"What the hell is going on out here?" "Oh, I'm sorry." "Did I wake you?" "I was trying so hard to be quiet." "I can't sleep, Sofia." "I'm so upset about Josh." "You said time would heal all wounds, but it's not working." "It's been two hours." "Yes, but two hours feels like forever when... and all you want are answers, Sofia." "Answers!" "Hey, maybe the answers will come to you in a dream." " Let's find out." " No!" "How am I supposed to go to work on Monday and act like nothing happened?" "I mean, what am I supposed to say to him?" "How can I even look at him?" "Call in sick." "But then I can't see him." "Gabi, we're gonna have to pace out your angst, okay?" "It's Sunday morning." "Early, early Sunday morning." "We're gonna have so much time to talk about this." "Yeah, but... but what about on Wednesday when you and Jake go to Florida for your cousin's quinceañera and I'm alone?" "Who am I going to talk to then?" "Huh?" "What am I gonna do then?" "I'll just be a FaceTime away." "Any minute, any hour you need me, you're my girl." "You know you always come first with me." "Oh, what would I do without you?" " Sofia." " Right here!" " Hey, Martina." " Hey." "You girls were just in here last week." "What's the problem, broken nail or broken heart?" " Heart." " Nail." "Do you think you can squeeze us in for a day of beauty?" "Mija, if I could squeeze my tatas into this dress," "I can squeeze in anything." " What do you need?" " To be happy again." "Which starts with you helping me pick out a nail color for the quinceañera." "Yay." "What's wrong, chica?" "What kind of problems can a young, skinny, gorgeous white girl like you have?" " It's Josh." " Oh, here we go." "I mean, we finally get together and he can't even kiss me." "After a year of waiting?" "Nah, I don't get it." "Maybe you need a new look." "You know, some highlights, a blowout, gel manicure with some pinky bling." "We happen to be having a special." "No, Martina." "All the bling in the world isn't gonna get Josh over" " his commitment issues." " Aye, than I say forget him." "You know, there are plenty of other fish in the sea, and you know how to catch one?" "With some highlights, a blowout, gel manicure with some pinky bling." "Did I mention we're having a special?" "Okay, what's going on in there?" "Everybody keeps coming out giggling." "Oh." "I'll tell you why." "We just put in a spray tanning booth, and the vent connects to the therapist office above us, so now whoever gets a spray tan can hear every word of the entire session." "That is a total invasion of privacy." " Well..." " I want to hear the details." "So last week I heard a man who wanted to know what it feels like to be a woman." "So, after the session, I intercepted him in the stairwell, and do you know what I offered him?" "Some highlights, a blowout, a gel manicure with some..." " We get it, Martina." " Aye." "No, no, no, no." "I got it." "Therapy." "That's the answer." "Josh should go to that therapist upstairs to deal with his commitment issues." "Well, I think therapy's a great idea, but why would you want him to go to that one?" "Then every woman in here would know about his problems." "Not every woman." "Just this one." "Can someone measure me?" "I will!" "I will!" "No, it's my turn!" "So what do you need, baby?" "Ah, need to rent a tux for Sofia's niece's quinceañera." "Oh!" "I said it!" "Quin-cetar..." "Nope." "Lost it." "I gotta get this right." "I'm meeting her whole family." "I've been practicing though with Rosetta Stone all morning." " Check this out." " Mm-hmm." "Bonsoir, Madame Rodriguez." " How's that sound?" " Like French." "So I bought Gabi and I this deluxe couples massage for tomorrow night, but after everything that's" " happened..." " Oh, I'll take it!" "Just because you're as big as two people doesn't make you a couple." "Fine." "You want it?" "Come and get it." "Fine, we'll split it." "I'll leave the tip, you hand in the coupon." "If you can find it in there." "Hey, is that Gabi?" "Do I hear Gabi?" "Aye, there she is!" "Um, I've been waiting for you all morning." "Not that I'm complaining." "I mean, why would I complain in any way?" "You're the most awesome, understanding woman, nay, person, I've ever met." "How was your weekend?" "Well, after the you-couldn't-kiss-me incident, it was sad, but then it got un-sad because I figured out a way to solve our problem, nay, your problem." "So did I." "So, yesterday I had the whole day to think about my commitment issues, and how I could fix said commitment issues." "So, I did a search for commitment issues." "Here's what I got." "Shwa!" "Wow." "Impressive." "Thank you." "Thank you so much for that." "That was chapter three:" "Acknowledgment." "Wow, uh, you know what this shows me?" "That you really want to help yourself." " I do." " And I want to help you help you." "And I have a way to do that without all of this pesky reading." "How about a real, live person?" "Someone who will listen to you, and who will guide you, and..." "♪ Ba Ba Na Na ♪" "This is a punch card for buy 10 manicures," " get one free." " Ooh." ""Dr. Kenneth Stonehouse, Clinical Psychologist"." "I hear he's great and he has a reputation of getting to the problem and fixing it lickety-split." " Lickety-split, huh?" " Yeah, yeah." "It says so on the back of the card." ""Problems solved lickety-split"." "Mmm." "Uh, look Gabi, I really appreciate it, but I'm not a huge fan of therapy." "My mom's been going to therapy for 20 years, and, well, you've met her." "Wait, wait, wait." "But... but she didn't go to Dr. Kenneth Stonehouse." " Gabi, I hear ya." " And I wanna hear you!" "Say that you'll go." "Tomorrow at 1:00." "You already made me an appointment?" "I'm sorry, do you feel like I overstepped my bounds?" "That's great." "You'll have more to talk about." "And talk loud!" "Uh, hello, why aren't your clothes off?" "Um, so, do you remember when I told you I wanted to treat us both to some" " spray tans?" " Yeah." "Well, what if instead I treat us to some light espionage?" " Gabi, you didn't." " I did." "Josh is about to walk in for his appointment any second." "Gabi, not only is this totally wrong, but it's bordering on illegal." "What?" "I did it for you!" "Me?" "What are you talking about?" "Well, if I came here by myself, I would hear all of this horrible information and then I would come home, possibly in tears, and you would be like, "What's wrong, Gabi?"" "and I would tell you, and you would be like," ""Well, are you sure you heard him correctly?"" "and then I'd be like, "Well, I'm pretty sure."" "Now you can be totally sure." "See?" "Gabi, I don't want any part in this." " Come in, Mr. Kaminski." " It's happening!" "So, what brings you here today?" "Well, I keep having this recurring dream where my girlfriend is smothering me with a pillow." "Oh, he thinks I'm smothering him?" " That's ridiculous." " Do you believe I have to stand here" " and listen to this?" " Shh!" "Shh!" "Sounds like a classic anxiety dream, and it may signify deeper intimacy issues." "So how do I fix it?" "Yeah, and how long is it gonna take?" "Well, these issues usually start in childhood." "Sometimes it takes people years to resolve." ""Years"?" "Are you kidding me?" " That's not lickety-split!" " Shh!" "Hey, are you two listening to a new patient?" "Do you want some popcorn and soda?" "I'm having a special." "Oh, my God." "That was 90 minutes of pure bliss." "Elliot, Yolanda." "It's important to hydrate." "Oh, honey, I just got a peek under Elliot's robe." "You can keep the water." "I need whiskey." "But I thought you two were a couple." "A couple of employees using our boss's appointment." "Plus, I like guys." "She likes fries." "Well... in that case, here's my card." "Call me anytime." "To book another massage?" "Yeah, that too." "Okay." "Oh well, we've got to get back to work." "Thank you for comin'." " Bye!" " Yeah." "What the hell was that?" "What the hell was what?" "That man was clearly flirting with you, and instead of telling him you were married, you started giggling like a white girl that just got a free pumpkin spice latte." "Oh, stop it." "He's just looking for repeat business." "You really think he's into me?" "Yes, and trust me, this is a slippery slope to infidelity." "First you're giggling, then you're flirting, then bam!" "You're screwing the dog walker on my grandma's futon!" "Yolanda, I'm not your ex-husband." " I'd never cheat on Alan." " Hm... then you won't mind if I do this." "You ever hear of the Internet, bitch?" "Sofia, you don't have to check up on me, okay?" "I haven't said one single thing to Josh." " You haven't seen him yet, have you?" " No." "Well, I'm not here to check up on you anyway." "Jake and I are leaving for Florida tomorrow, so I just want to make sure that everything's good with his tu..." "Oh, my God." "Isn't it crazy how different our lives are right now?" "I love this tux." "I'mma start renting all my clothes." "Oh, I love it too." "You look like my prom date, except you're tall, gorgeous, and not my cousin." "Morning, everybody." "Ugh, there he is." "Keep it together." "Sofia, I'm not stupid, okay?" "I'm not gonna bring it up." "Hi, Josh." "How was therapy?" " Okay, so here's the thing..." " I know the thing!" "Okay?" "I know everything!" "I know about your smother dreams and your intimacy issues, and all the years it's gonna take for you to heal your stupid inner child!" "Well, guess what, buddy?" "I'm not waiting years for you to figure out your crap." "I have no idea what you're talking about." "Oh, save it, Josh." "The therapist I sent you to is right above my nail salon." "I heard everything." "All your sick little issues." "Well, you definitely heard someone's issues, but they weren't mine." "Oh, please." "I heard him say "Mr. Kaminski"." "How do you explain that?" "It... it was me." " What?" " Oh, my God." "Josh gave me his appointment." "Wow." "I am so happy you're not my boyfriend." "I don't understand." "You're the Kaminski who feels smothered?" "Yeah, I..." "I didn't even know I had that problem until yesterday." "You think I'm smothering you?" "No, not you." "Life." "And you." "It's so weird." "I was having all these crazy dreams, which I mentioned to Josh, so he gave me the therapy appointment that Gabi gave him, which helped me work everything out, and I feel so much better." "Last night, I finally had my normal dream... just flying around." "So, what you're saying is that you have Gabi to thank for all of this." "Yeah!" "Thanks, Gabs!" "Yeah, thanks, Gabs." "Sofia, I'm..." "I'm sorry." "You're an amazing girl, but I..." "I'm just not ready to settle down." "I gotta move." "I gotta travel the world." "So, start after the quinceañera." " Sofia..." " No, seriously!" "You... you have to go." "I already told my whole family about you." "I even sent them pictures, which they thought were just photos from a magazine like last time." "I promise I'm not gonna smother you!" "Please, please, please, please, please, please, please!" "Sofia, I was always gonna go to the quiche-etera." "I wasn't going to break up with you till after." "Oh." "That's so sweet." "Pre-breakup sex?" "Oh, oui, oui." "So, um... pancakes or waffles for breakfast today?" "You get to pick 'cause you're m'boss." " Gabi?" " Yes, m'boss?" "You listened in on a private therapy session?" "Yes, but it wasn't just me, okay?" "Sofia was there and Martina!" " You manipulated me!" " I know I did, and I'm so sorry." "But the good news is you don't think I'm smothering you." "I... can't understand how you don't see the error of your ways." "I don't understand how you cannot see that I was just trying to help us." "I..." "I can't..." "I..." "I can't even talk to you right now." "You kno... you need therapy." "Okay." "Maybe I do." " Maybe we both should go." " Maybe we should." "Maybe we should just go to couples therapy." "Oh!" "So, we're still a couple?" "You want me to hold the elevator for you?" " Go on without me." " Okay." " See you tomorrow." " 'Kay, bye." " Hi, Nikolai." " Hey, you." "Why are you still dressed?" "Silly." "Why don't you set up your table while I go change in the bathroom?" "You got it." "I should have known that little troll wouldn't work late if Josh wasn't here to see him." "What's up, Abercrombie?" "Hey, Yolanda." "Ooh!" "He remembered my name!" "Ooh, focus, girl." "Focus." "Look here." "Here's 100 bucks." "Make yourself scarce." "I gotta lead a miniature horse to water and pray that he doesn't drink." "Ready!" "Nikolai, I'm ready!" "Oh, Nikolai, my back is so tight." "I want you to undo my knots like a boy scout." "Ooh!" "Sauce me up and work me like a rib." "Oh, Nikolai." "This is even better than last time." "You have the strong, masculine grip of a linebacker." "Oh, don't stop, Nikolai." "This feels so good." "Oh..." "Can I just say..." "Oh." "Can you do my ears?" "Nikolai... you're moving into some dangerous territory." "Stop!" "Nikolai..." "I have to say something." "Remember that huge, horrible woman you met the other day?" "Well, she told me not to call you, and it turns out she was right." "I'm married." "And I love my husband very much." "Now I need you to leave the room 'cause I'm embarrassed to say you gave me a huge bon..." " Aah!" " Aah!" "Oh, my God!" "Aah!" "So over the phone, Josh told me a little bit about your relationship." "Oh, so he, uh, told you what started this whole thing is the fact that we've been trying to get together for, like, a whole year, and when we finally did and tried to kiss, he backed away," "suddenly sickened by me." "I'm sorry, I talk a lot when I'm nervous, but you probably figured that out already because you're a therapist." "And our time's up." "Is that what brought you here today?" "You'd think, but no." "Go ahead, Gabi." "Tell her what you did." " Well, I was..." " She spied on my brother in a therapy session, thinking it was me." "Go ahead, Gabi." " What happened was..." " And then she has the nerve to turn it around on me like it's my fault." " It is your fault." " Okay." "Sometimes when couples are having difficulty seeing the other person's point of view, it helps to do a little role-playing." "Ooh, like I'm a sassy waitress at a bowling alley?" "What I meant was Gabi, you pretend to be Josh, and Josh, you pretend to be Gabi." "Oh, so you want us to do a Freaky Friday?" " Gabi, professionals don't call it..." " Yes, a Freaky Friday." "Okay." "I'll start." "Hi, I'm Gabi." "I am a chef who works for a brilliant tech millionaire named Josh, who's working very hard on fixing his commitment issues." "Okay, well, I'm Josh, and that beautiful, talented chef I was just talking about, well I can't believe you couldn't kiss me." "Her." "Okay." "So, Gabi..." "Yes?" "Josh-Gabi, why do you think you spied on Josh's therapy session?" "Well... because I'm childish, immature, and too impatient to wait for Josh to get better." "My turn, my turn, my turn." "Josh?" "I won't kiss her, I won't date her, and I don't know when I'm gonna be better." "In short, I suck." "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "Don't be so hard on yourself, Josh." "Maybe the reason why you can't commit is 'cause sometimes I act very immature." "Well, Gabi, you're just a 23-year-old girl." "I'm 30." "What's my excuse?" "You know what?" "Maybe we're both too immature to be together right now." "Maybe what's best for the two of us is to stop trying to be together until we both grow up!" "Wait, did I just break up with myself?" "I can't believe we both got dumped by Kaminskis." "Well, technically, I broke up with myself, but, you know, he agreed." "I went to Disney World and I still feel sad." "Don't." "We're better off without them." " Or are we worse off?" " No, we're better." "Josh and his stupid commitment issues." "Yeah." "Jake and his stupid hands all over my body late at night." " Sofia." " Sorry." "Did I tell you that my Abuelita fell in love with Jake, so I told her we're engaged?" "I only told her that 'cause she's 98." " Did you tell everybody else?" " Yes." " Wanna watch a movie?" " No." " You wanna get a pizza?" " No." "You wanna get spray tans and listen in on people who have it way worse than us?" "I would like that very much."