"Great day in the morning." "─ Have mercy on the cotton." "Halley's comet, Halley's comet." "What's the cause of the name?" "Halley?" "Who's she?" "Haley e omul ce-a descoperit-o...cred" "I done seen it first." "Judecatorule Clemens, de unde stim ca n-o sa aprinda pamantul?" "Stim ca ea e pentru ca se intoarce la fiecare 75 de ani." "." "Think of it as kind of a Jubilee in heaven." "Like a possum-hunt?" "─ Well, like a camp-meeting in Heaven." "Judge Clemens .. come quick." "They're watching at home." "It's done happened." "Jane, darling." "John .. it's a boy." "─ A boy .. oh .." "Well sir .. this is the night." "Can you see that other comet, son?" "I reckon that big comet must have come out the very minute this child was born." "Like as if it brung him from somewhere clean out of the world." "I suppose people all over the country are looking at that comet tonight." "And not one soul of them has ever heard of Samuel Langhorne Clemens." "Young man .. that's you .." ""Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted."" ""Persons attempting to find a moral, will be banished."" ""Persons attempting to find a plot, will be shot."" ""By order of .." "Mark Twain."" "That is me you just saw, a little bit ago." "I came a little ahead of schedule .." "maybe that was due to the comet." "When I arrived, I hadn't any hair, I hadn't any teeth, I hadn't any clothes." "But it was alright then, as I didn't know I should have been embarrassed." "I've learnt since, to my sorrow, that Man is the only animal that blushes." "Or needs to." "In fact .." "I blush a little now as I look back." "Some things a man doesn't like to tell about himself unless he gets .." "Beyond the grave, as they say." "Now I can tell the truth, the whole truth and .." "Well that is .. within limits." "You see, truth is a very valuable thing." "And I believe we should be a little .. economical with it." "Well .." "I was born under the comet, now that's the truth." "And I grew up in the village of Hannibal, Missouri .. that's the truth." "It was a village of a 100 people and I increased the population by one percent." ""That's more than some of the best men in history have done for a town."" ""Life unfolded gently there."" ""And the Mississippi was more important than the Seven Seas."" ""Right in the middle of it was Jackson's Island."" ""It was the lair of a bloodthirsty band of pirates as ever scuttled a ship."" ""There was Tom, the terror of the seas."" ""And Huckleberry the red-handed."" ""And our slave-boy Jim." "The avenger of the Picaroons."" ""And here were built the long, low luggers that ploughed the Spanish main."" ""The others supplied the labor, and I supplied the imagination."" "Hurry men, hurry!" "Those buccaneers will beat us to the treasure." "They ain't nothing but white-trash on a raft." "That's Captain Kid and his pirates in disguise. ─ What?" "That's the doggonest thing going on." "Where is my sabbath at?" ""We rescued many a beauteous maiden and made many a villain walk the plank."" ""And of course, we gave our spoils to the poor."" "It's a galleon men, get ready to board her!" "Master Sam, we can't get on a steamboat, and if we does, they'll fling us off." ""But pirating was only secondary .." "it was the river that held us."" ""The broad, majestic river with its lazy current and its soft, cool mud."" ""Its steamboats were our dreams of luxury and their pilots were our Gods."" "Gosh fellahs, "The Big Missouri"." "And look at the pilot up there." "Running the whole business." ""I clung to the river until the last, precious moment of the day."" ""And then I had to give up my life of crime and go home."" ""I used to shinny up the porch roof and in a window."" ""I got so I could do it in record time."" ""I suppose most boys try to fool their mothers." "I used to try to fool mine."" "[ snoring ]" "Sam." "Sam, you needn't play possum." "I heard you come in." "Time to get up, Ma?" "You know perfectly well, I ought to tan you Sam Clemens." "For four life-long hours I hadn't known whether you were alive or drowned." "Oh Ma, I'll never get drownded." "Well, I reckon it's as you were born to hang, like all the other river riffraff." "Nothing ever happens around this old town, excepting on the river." "The river." "I wish I'd never heard of that river." "Once that Mississippi mud gets into you Sam, it never gets out." "All that's left to me in this life is to to make you into a fine, cultured man." "Looked up to and respected, like your father was." "I reckon that river is too much for me." "─ Gosh Ma." "Why don't you try once more, to help Boyd in the print shop?" "Just during your vacations so that you'll stay out of trouble." "Won't you try, son?" "And maybe some day you'll learn to be a Printer." "Alright, Ma .." "I'll try." ""After 3 years in that print shop, I was ready to change places with a convict."" ""I was pretty well discouraged .. my brother Orion was more discouraged."" "Shush, quiet Rock. ─ Sam." "─ Now what have I done?" "My stars almighty, you think three years here would have taught you something." "Seth Peters paid his subscription today with 2 bushels of large, yellow "bears"." ""Pears" you dunce." "Not "bears"!" "Nobody knows the trouble I've seen." "Nobody knows .. but Jesus." "Come on!" "Steamboat is coming!" "Steamboat is coming, Sam." "I guess you're not in much of a hurry." "There's seven hours work on that floor." "If only somebody and better machinery would set type by itself." "He'd make ten million dollars and I'd pay half." "Clemens!" "I won't stand for this." "Well, I'm sure I don't understand Mr Higgins. ─ Look at that." ""Last Tuesday, Mr Higgins, editor of The Bugle, out-stood as a hero .."" ""When he single-handedly rescued his self from drowning his self."" "Why, I never saw .." ""his sweetheart left him high and dry."" ""So he waded out in the river to end his sorrows."" ""When his soundings showed he couldn't drown without getting in over his head."" ""He turned around and waded out, and is in our midst again."" "This is serious!" "Fighting serious." "Mr Higgins sir, I swear I never set eyes on that item before in my life," "You mean to say .." "Holy suffering Jehoshaphat." "Taking you by and large Sam Clemens." "You do seem to be more different kinds of an ass than I ever saw before." "Why I ever took you aboard beats me." "Where are you taking her now?" "─ I wished I was dead." "One thing you got to have Sam Clemens if you're going to be a river pilot .." "A memory!" "You can't think you know this river, you got to know you know it." "Yes sir." "That's Angel's Point over yonder." "There's shallow water by that the mill, and the Harris plantation on that bluff." "Stop that!" "─ Yes sir." "Water less twain." "Look out, look out .. don't hug that slick place." "There ain't six feet there." "She won't stand it, she begins this minute." "Look sharp I tell you!" "Seven feet." "Look out, look out." "Oh blazes .. there you go .. turn her down .. snatch her .. snatch her!" "Down on your starboard wheel, quick." "Get her back!" "Let go the whistle cord!" "What are you doing there?" "You remember what I told you about those bluff reefs?" "What did I say?" "─ I don't know sir." "You don't know?" "Now look here, why do you think I told you all that stuff?" "To be entertaining, I thought sir." "To be ..?" "Get out of this pilot house .. get off this boat!" "Dive overboard!" "Kill yourself!" "Anything!" "But get out before you sink us all." "Come back here." "I said I'd learn you the river." "When I tell a man I'll learn him the river, I'll learn him if it kills him." "Take the wheel." "Take it." "Hold her steady now, she'll pull through." "Mark Twain." "Safe water .. mark twain." "Well, there's one call you'll never forget, boy: "mark twain" .. safe water." "Plenty a night of storm and fog, when you're trying to go on through." "You'll be straining your ears to hear that call." "The welcome-est sound in all the world to a river-man." "Is those two words .. "mark twain"." ""I remembered Bixby all these years."" ""I don't see why he didn't drown."" ""He must have been a good teacher."" ""Because, after a while I was a pilot."" ""And I was beginning what I suppose a man must call his "real life"." "Sam .. uh .." "Mr Clemens .." "Now here's a thing, this rock sample." "I've been trying to tell you .." "For one hundred times." "─ No, this is a different kind of rock." "Clemens, if I didn't think so much of you I wouldn't try to argue into this." "Steve Gillis, why don't you try to do right." "It would please a lot of people." "And astonish the rest." "This rock's no good." "It's got a rotten streak in it." "Why that's silver you jug-head." "─ It is?" "Sure, the mountains is just busting with it." "So why should you go to see it on the river when you can go West and get rich?" "Steve, it's not I don't believe you, but why does a river-pilot need a million?" "I'm telling you a man wouldn't know this river lately." "Ed's rushing West." "I don't suppose a man lives who can stand prosperity." "Other people's I mean." "Fifty thousand longhorns by way of the Cross-Timbers." "All down and around she goes." "I tell you boys, the whole town is built on a mountain of silver." "If you don't come, you'll regret it your whole life." "I know you're going with me." "So, I'll get the assayer's report and that will prove it." "Alright gentlemen, keep your eye on the ace of spades." "There you are gentlemen, who wants to try?" "I'll take this one." "Sorry, now watch closely, it's all very simple." "Naive people allowing themselves to be robbed like that." "Sorry." "We give the chance and you take it." "If at first you don't succeed .." "I don't know what you're talking about." "─ Come on, quick." "Now the rest of it." "Can I help Mr Clemens?" "Too bad we haven't got a cure for this man's manners." "Maybe drowning will help." "Alright, cast off." "Are these yours?" "─ What?" "Why yes, I believe they are." "Oh, there is something else." "Thank you." "I think that is mine also." "─ Yeah .. yeah." "I suppose she's your .." "─ My sister." "Good .." "I mean of course, of course." "Glad to have met you, sir." "─ Thank you, sir .." "Oh Mr Clemens." "Try again?" "Mr Clemens." "─ Yes, sir?" "Well, I'm indebted to you." "My name is Charles Langdon." ""Langdon"." "Have you ever been to Pilot House?" "Well come up later." "I'm .. going to give the boys a little surprise. ─ A surprise?" "The shell-backs on here would jump this boat if they knew what was coming later." "Can I .. can I see that again?" "─ I beg your pardon." "Nothing, nothing .." "let it go." ""Change your luck with the other diners." "Step right up and round she goes."" "A passenger in the Pilot House is kind of special." "Those are pilots back there." "Not on duty." "They're just studying the river." "This fog is getting thicker and thicker." "─ Should have tied up an hour ago." "Oh you know it yourself." "If he's dead set to wreck her, I want to see it from here." "Because of the view." "You think your sister would be interested in .." "Do pilots have to study?" "We never do anything else." "This river takes up all our time." "And how old did you say your sister was?" "Look here." "The Captain tells me you're going to tie up short of Hat Island." "You bet he's going to tie up." "You think he wants to knock the boat's brains out?" "I've got to pick up 80 tons of buffalo hide in St Joe. ─ No deal." "No pilot ever ran into Hat Island in the fog and no pilot ever will." "Now you get out of here." "Pretty bad Mr Clemens." "I think we'd better tie up" "I'll tell you when I want to tie up." "Put out those torch-baskets." "Put out those torch-baskets!" "─ Kill them fires." "Get those lights out!" "I suppose in the case of a girl like your sister .." "It's getting pretty hard to see the river, isn't it." "The trick is to guess which is the wet part." "It seems wide enough." "─ Of course, a mile wide on the surface." "But underneath it's one long mass of shoals, barbs and snags." "For 1200 miles of river." "You got to know each one within two feet." "And they change position over night." "You can't think you know this river, you've got to know you know it." "Really?" "Learn 1200 miles of river .." "The first time in seven years that Sam Clemens has told the plain truth." "And that young fellow doesn't believe a word he says." "You've never heard of these things?" "You'll have to forgive my ignorance Mr Clemens but .." "I'm afraid there are millions of people who know even less about it than I do." "I never took no stock in the notion that people wasn't the same everywhere." "We all speak the same language." "Shut up you blasted fool!" "Steer out." "You dunder-headed, flea-brained, river-hog!" "Why, you ornery, numb-skull, rapscallion, mud-cat, rascal!" "Serves you right!" "Put a light on the worm-eaten brush-pile." "So a man can see you of a night." "What was I saying about language?" "I notice you keep looking back." "─ Oh that." "That's on account of the alligators." "─ Alligators?" "Oh, you run into them?" "─ No, they grab the stern of the boat." "If there's one thing an alligator loves better than another, it's a free ride." "A free ride?" "Of course, a few alligators hanging on aren't so bad." "Boat can stand some drag." "But the next alligator grabs the first one's tail and another grabs on to him." "Until you're pulling a whole chain of alligators." "You've really seen this thing?" "─ Nearly every trip." "Why, I've struggled up this river with a mass of alligators .." "A mile long and ten alligators wide." "─ Really?" "The biggest crock of overgrown lies ever heard." "And that young fellow believes .." "Thank heaven, there's the foot of Hat Island." "I couldn't have stood no more." "Sam, see you below in the Texas." "Aye-aye Captain." "Mark three on the starboard." "Mark three on the starboard." "Wade, ain't he gone past his landing?" "Do you suppose any man alive is fool enough to run that island in this soup?" "Standby below." "Half twain, starboard." "Half twain starboard." "Call Bixby and the rest." "They've seen nothing like this and never will again." "Down below, pile up a head of steam down there." "I want everything you got." "I'm tying the safety-valve down now sir." "─ What?" "If this gauge goes any higher, I don't want to be looking at it." "Well, hang your hat on the gauge." "When it blows upon the railroad, there you is." "When it blows upon a steamboat where is you?" "He'll never make it." "You're the man who taught him." "─ I didn't teach him this." "Sam, you'll never get her through." "─ Then I'll get her half through twice." "Quarter less twain .. starboard." "Quarter less twain .. starboard." "Stand by .." "Get ready now." "I hope he knows what he's doing." "I've run this river twenty years, Captain." "I never saw a man try this." "Half twain on larboard." "Half twain on the starboard." "By Jove .. the stern is coming down just exactly right." "He's over the first reef." "Seven feet starboard." "Seven feet starboard." "Six feet larboard." "She's groaning." "Going to six feet." "She's feeling it now." "─ We'll never make it." "Nine feet starboard." "Nine feet starboard." "Eight and half feet larboard." "Eight and half feet larboard." "Seven feet starboard." "Seven feet starboard." "Six feet larboard." "Six feet larboard." "The sounding is off .. grounding!" "Now let her have it." "Every ounce you got!" "Grounding .. grounding larboard." "Grounding larboard." "Pull her hard down!" "Slash it." "Mark twain .. safe water." "Mark twain .." "Beautiful job, Sam." "─ I never expected to see that." "Sam Clemens never did anything like he was expected to in his life." "The old Mississippi done found her boss." "The pilot is a mighty man!" ""The pilot is a mighty man." "The pilot is a mighty man."" ""The boat was stuck in the river mud .. the pilot made his plea."" ""Let me drive this boat like I know I did, when the ark moved on the sea."" ""When the ark moved on the sea."" ""High water or low water."" ""The pilot is a mighty man." "Yeah, the pilot is a mighty man."" "I never saw such thick weather in my life." "The other Pilots are saying it was the most .. what you say?" "Oh, "Lightening" bit of piloting ever seen on the river." "I'm glad it suited them .. because that was my last run." "It was your what?" "─ I'm leaving the river." "You're joking." "Well yes it is a joke, in a way." "All my life everybody told me this river is just a wet street in the dirt." "A wet street?" "─ Yes .. my parents .. my brother." "Everybody." "They broke their hearts trying to tell me." "But oh no, I wouldn't listen." "Sam, if ever I saw a man fitted for his job and happy in his job, you were he." "Why, there's nothing in the world happier than a frog in the mud." "But you know, a frog can only see about eight feet." "I wonder what would happen if a frog saw a star?" "It would kill him, probably." "─ He'd need a drink, probably." "I didn't realize there was anything a river man could never have." "It will take time .." "I'll need money." "I'll head west first." "They're building a new country there Langdon." "I'm going to have a crack at it." "Of all the .." "I can't imagine what's come over you." "I could tell you but you won't believe me." "Not possible for you to believe me." "You see that picture of your sister there, Langdon?" "Yes." "That's the girl I'm going to marry." "We're almost there." "Come on Beulah." "Beulah, come on, do as I ask .. come on Beulah." "Oyster on the larboard Steve." "She's hard-grounded." "Beulah." "I'm going to learn you." "─ That reef's got her midships." "Beulah .." "Beulah, now don't aggravate me." "It's no use Steve .." "She's took root worse than a Jeff Davis democrat." "Yeah, we might as well locate here." "─ Yeah." "That looks like a creek bottom there, so you just as well start hauling water." "What for?" "We got to wash the gold out of this gravel you lunkhead." "Too bad Beulah didn't balk where we could have flumed the water." "We need about a million gallons." "─ A million?" "Why you rapscallion, flea-brained, numb skulled, dunder-headed, gully hopping .." "Mississippi methods." "They work too." "─ Yeah." "For a minute." "I sure think we've come into something Sam." "Sam!" "Hey Steve." "Steve .." "I can't find it." "What on earth are you doing down there?" "─ I'm getting rich out West." "Here, take this." "Well, I've found out what a mine is, anyway." "It's hole in the ground with a darned fool at the end of it." "Some old tunnel runs right under here." "─ Well, maybe we can dig around it." "What's an abandoned tunnel doing there if there's any gold in it?" "They missed the seam, that's all." "─ Well I'm finished, that's all." "Oh no, Sam." "Let's pan just one more." "That last pan showed awful good color." "No!" "Now don't get so previous Sam." "We might strike it any minute." "No!" "Why are you so stubborn?" "What did we come here for anyway?" "I'd have never showed up here if I didn't think there was something here." "Do you realize we're broke?" "─ Yup." "No grub and no place to sleep." "─ Yup." "All I'm trying to do is herd together enough money to go East in decent style." "This girl isn't going to wait forever you know, without seeing me at least." "You sure that would help?" "Hurry up or I'll miss my stage." "─ That's 240 dollars." "I hear they got a big strike at Horseshoe Bend." "Steve, it beats me how anybody can avoid getting rich in this country." "People who came here 3 weeks ago are rich now." "We get worse off by the minute." "Can't we go back and give the mine another try?" "─ No." "Well, just one more pail of water." "─ No." "[ gunshots ]" "Things sure go fast here." "Poor fellow worked for the newspaper." "Take your opinions with you." "We don't want them." "He had a right to print the facts." "─ You want to step into his shoes?" "I didn't see nothing Mr Lake." "─ Then stand back." "Where is that newspaper office?" "─ In there." "We've set it in bold type." "Just under "The Enterprise"." "And Billings .. that headline .." "Who are you?" "Sam Clemens is my name." "I'm your new reporter." "Joe Goodman is my name, and I've got a reporter." "Didn't you hear that gunfire just now?" "You had a reporter." "Was that Davy?" "They've got him too?" "What are you doing now?" "If there's one man in this town who's so low down that he can't speak his mind .." "And print it if he wants to, then this country is done." "I'm writing an account of how that man died, and it will curl somebody's hair." "Good!" "That better Sam?" "Yeah, yeah that's fine Billings." "Now, set her up." "Sam!" "Sam, where we going to get a frog?" "─ A frog?" "Billings, you got a frog?" "What do you want a frog for?" "─ Bret at Angel's Canyon has a frog." "Well go borrow his frog." "Let me work." "He'll bet every cent he's got, his frog can out-jump any frog in this country." "Don't you see what a chance it is?" "Now, you're a Mississippi frog expert." "We go to Angel's Canyon and you pick a frog that will lay it all over his frog." "And we get odds of the ten-to-one and bet every cent we've got." ""We" got?" "─ Sure." "Now look here Steve, I've worked and slaved and scraped." "I've got almost enough money to go East." "I'll be out of here in another 2 weeks." "Supposing that girl's family turns out to be dead rich?" "Suppose they take you for a tramp, and won't even let you through the door?" "All because you wouldn't listen to me." "─ I tell you, I'm not .." "Bret Harte's got a satchel full of money he's begging us to take." "Trying to force it on us." "Steve, it's no use .." "I'm not going to catch you any frog." "Come on over this way, come on." "Right over here Sam." "Now, I'll get him if he'll just sit still for a minute." "Did you miss him?" "─ Yeah, I missed him." "Keep after him now, Sam." "─ Yeah." "She's a good frog." "I'll get it .." "Catch him, Sam?" "─ No, I missed him." "Come on." "A little further forward." "─ I see him, I see him." "Ah .. that one didn't have any legs." "All I got was a mouthful of cat-tail." "─ Now don't get to giving up." "There's a hundred good frogs in here." "Here's one!" "He's a real champion." "I'll get him Steve." "Right .. now Steve." "No!" "No Sam." "Go to your left." "Go to your left Sam." "You quit telling me what to do Steve." "Tell these frogs what to do." "I never saw such slippery frogs." "They must have eel blood in them." "I give up Steve." "You come in and try it yourself." "It ain't no use." "Can't stay here all day." "Where's the frog?" "─ I didn't catch any." "Yes I did." "Oh we're sure set to collect now." "Here .. you take this money." "And bet every cent of it on our frog." "You just bet the whole town." "Wait a minute." "Where on earth did this money come from?" "Well uh .. some of it I took from your mattress." "The rest of it I .. well I gave the landlady a note." "Of course, I had to sign your name." "Steve, for heaven's sake, I'll be four years paying this off." "Sam .. did I ever let you down?" "─ Yes." "Now Sam, don't talk like a ninny." "I know what I'm talking about." "It's impossible for us to lose." "I tell you we are in .." "Goddamn Sam." "Free drinks!" "Free drinks everybody." "Friends!" "Thank you for making me Chairman of the "Jumping Jubilee"." "We all know why we're gathered here." "─ Darn tooting we are!" "Please, please .. men of California .." "And Nevada .." "We're here today to decide a serious thing, a mighty serious challenge." "Daniel Webster, the longest jumping frog in the golden West .." "Owned by Bret Harte of Angel's Canyon." "Has stood undefeated against all-comers." "Raise the odds." "And now comes an unknown frog from Virginia City." "Named after one of our leading citizens, that fine laundry man and cook:" "One Long Hop!" "Owned by Steve Gillis and Sam Clemens." "Gentlemen, the honor of our two great cities is in the balance." "I ask for fair play and we're here to see that everybody gets it." "Remember, each frog gets three jumps, the sum total counts." "The visiting frog gets the first jump." "─ Bring on your frog, Steve Gillis." "You get the money down?" "─ Every cent." "Here's a hundred." "He'll out-jump him." "─ I'll embrace that bet." "You want to put fifty dollars on Daniel Webster?" "Very sorry." "Me "one long hop"." "No inching .. remember, one tickle on the first jump only." "Why gentlemen, it's virtually an insult to this magnificent specimen." "I repeat, an insult to pit him against the puny entry of my belittler." "Twenty to one." "─ Twenty to one." "Gentlemen, we're taking all bets. 20-1." "A loose hold, and let her fire." "Now, flex them muscles and heave." "─ Jump one." "Jump, can't you!" "And two." "It's the third and last jump." "Come on now One Long Hop .. hop!" "Hop .. hop!" "Doesn't mean a thing." "Three .. six .. nine .. twelve .." "Shush .." "What she measure?" "Twelve foot six, and two sixteenths." "It ain't too previous to tell you, but we're going to be rich." "That was a great jump Steve." "Now bring forth Daniel Webster." "Gentlemen .. you are on the threshold of history." "A little more room, gentlemen." "That's it." "Wouldn't like to have anybody injured." "Further back, further back." "Give this amphibious marvel some room." "Release your frog, sir." "Straight down the line, Daniel." "Aim frog .. and jump it well!" "Mind now, only one tickle of the first jump." "That's all." "Thank you judge." "Daniel doesn't need it." "Get your knees into it now Daniel." "Get ready Daniel." "Flies .. flies!" "That's the first jump." "Pull yourself together Daniel." "Get your mind on this, give it everything." "Flies .. flies!" "That's the second." "I asked you to get further back." "He's afraid to let go." "Get back folks." "Get back, get back." "Now he can jump." "Stranger, would you be so kind as to remove that face?" "Give it everything .. flies .. flies .." "You've never thrown off on me yet, Daniel." "If you love me .. if you love me .. give me the beans." "Flies .. flies!" "If he ain't budged in twenty seconds he's out." "Flies .. flies!" "That's the third jump." "That's official." "I'll pay off every legal bet." "It's unusual weather." "I demand a re-jump under more auspicious conditions." "Steve, don't know how you got a pound of buckshot into Daniel." "It was very wrong." "Yeah, but we sure won, didn't we." "What's that?" "Ain't you happy?" "I didn't think so much of our frog Steve, he looked kind of puny to me." "So I bet everything we had on the champ .." "On Daniel." "You mean that you?" "Here, hold on!" "No!" "Come on .." "You going to keep on writing forever?" "Goodnight Sam, see you in the morning." "Billings .. mind if I sign your name to this?" "─ What for?" "Well, I want to send it to New York and it isn't much good." "If you sign my name to a lot of silly drivel and I'll sue you." "I aim to do a little writing myself one of these days." "Quick .. it's been discovered." "─ What?" "The body?" "No this .." "look, it's worth ten thousand dollars a ton." "Oh come on Sam, you'll never get rich writing and reading." "And this is the richest tract since the Comstock lode." "Now look, everybody will be there ahead of us." "We've got to hurry." "Buck just rode in with the word." "All the town is on the move." "We need horses." "You get the horses, I get the rigging." "This is what I've been waiting for." "Pardon me, I'm a stranger." "─ That's alright mister." "Who ain't?" "Where can I find Mark Twain?" "─ See Sam Clemens." "He knows everybody." "Come on, hurry up with that extra shoe." "─ Hold your horses fellah, hold on." "We got to get going or everything will be took." "I beg your pardon." "Do you know a man named Mark Twain?" "I never heard of him." "Try the jail." "─ I did, but you see .." "I beg your pardon." "Oh do you know .. ?" "Hey, this looks kind of familiar." "That's the best I can do." "Sorry boys, we got rid of everything." "You're too late." "Tim, Tim!" "Check that load up at the top shaft." "Hey mister, where can we stake our claim?" "If you boys had been earlier, I could have sold you fifty or sixty feet of it." "At only a thousand dollars a foot." "There ain't any left, even at that?" "─ No, I'm sorry." "Tim, Tim!" "You'll need two teams on that." "You remember this place, Sam?" "How we located our mine because the mule wouldn't go no further." "We owned the whole mountain." "Do you realize where you're standing?" "─ Of course I realize where I stand." "We're standing exactly in the place where that other jackass stood." "But I traced Mark Twain to this office." "─ What's that again?" "Now look, please." "If you think a moment, you must know a man named Mark Twain." "Just one more pail of water, I kept begging you, but would you?" "No." "Stop it will you, Steve .. you want to drive me crazy?" "So your mind is set, huh?" "─ Our here, I'm just a public risk." "Well, I'm going to miss you Sam." "You and your tall tales." "A man won't know where to go for a real overpowering line with you away." "I'm through playing a fool." "Only place I belong is at the wheel of a steamboat." "And the quicker I get back to it the better." "I'm sorry Mr Pond, but I've never heard the name." "Here Sam." "Quick, grab some paper." "We got to get an extra on the street." "Look here .." "I'd like to ask you this." "─ Fort Sumter has been fired on." "Fort Sumter?" "─ By who?" "─ The North and the South are at war." "The Mississippi river is closed." "The Federal Army is marching on Virginia." "The Mississippi river is what?" "Blockaded." "Steamboat sunk at St Louis, trying to ram the shore batteries." "No steamboats .." "No river trade .." "And maybe no country." "Here Billings, put this in column one." "Hey, where are you going?" "I'm going to push the Northern Armies into the sea." "If I can get transport." "Wait a minute .. what's your name?" "─ Sam Clemens .. river pilot." "Oh .. well there must be a Mark Twain somewhere." "Joe .. put this Mark Twain frog story on the front page of the War News." "On the front page, boss?" "If the country ever needed one flicker of a smile, it needs it now." ""And he held Daniel upside down."" ""And that frog belched up a double handful of bird-shot."" "One man has kept laughter alive .. and I can't find him." "Say, if want he fellah who wrote The Jumping Frog, his name's "Sam Clemens"." "He used to be pilot of the "Queen Of Dixie"." "You'll likely find him somewhere along the river." "Proper run down, isn't she." "Oh I don't know .. she looks proper good there on the boiler deck." "I'd give something to find the pilot of that steamboat." "I'd give something to find a steamboat." "Several years ago, I went to California looking for the pilot of that boat." "Could have made him a fortune too, if I'd known his name was not "Mark Twain"." "Isn't that a pretty slim clue?" "Must be dozens of people not named "Mark Twain"." "His name was Sam Clemens." "He used to pilot this very boat .. say, aren't you?" "Yes, I remember." "I met you in the office of The Enterprise." "You're "Sam Clemens"." "You wrote "The Jumping Frog"!" "This is magnificent .." "I'll have you lecturing in New York within weeks." "Oh no you don't." "─ I'll make you famous." "Not me." "I tried making a speech once." "─ Think of the opportunity." "Oh no .." "I'm not going to make you any speeches." "Something must have happened, that's sure." "We can't wait any longer Sam, the senator must have missed his train." "Look, somebody must introduce me." "Not a soul in the audience knows me from Adam." "You need no introduction." "They came to hear the man who wrote The Jumping Frog." "Nobody remembers that." "Pond, I'm sorry I let you lure me into this." "I'm not cut out for it, that's all." "I wish to heaven I never had any relations with that frog." "Just relax, you'll be alright." "Just go on." "─ Don't push me out there .." "I tell you, I'd commit suicide this minute if I had the pluck and the outfit." "Ladies and gentlemen." "I know that man .. his name is Sam Clemens." "It is my distinguished pleasure to introduce your main speaker tonight." "Mark Twain is too well known to require a formal introduction at my hands." "So I'm out here to do a useless thing." "And that's right in my line." "Halley's comet .." "Halley's comet comes back to this earth every 75 years .. which is wonderful." "Science .. cannot explain why it wants to come back, after a good look at us." "Mark Twain .." "Mark Twain rode into this world on the tail of that comet." "And after tonight many people will be unhappy if it don't take him away again." "I give you:" "Mark Twain." "I give you:" "Mark Twain." "I thank the previous speaker." "I have seldom in my lifetime listen to compliments so felicitously phrased .." "Or so well deserved." "When I think of what the newspapers are going to do to me tomorrow." "I wish I could count on as good an epitaph as .." "We gave a colored woman I used to know who fell on a hot stove and was roasted." "After a great deal of thought, we just put on her tombstone:" ""Well done." "Good and faithful servant"." "On one of my recent Southern-most trips .." "I overheard Satan himself complaining to a newcomer." "He said "the trouble with you New York people is .. "" ""You think you are the best people down here"." ""Whereas, you are merely the most numerous."" "I thought I'd only speak five minutes, and I've talked an hour and a half." "I wonder if you'd let me say one serious thing that I feel .. very much." "I just want to say." "Man will always vary: in nature, race, creed and desires." "There will always be the .. the belligerent and the oppressed." "But in our country, we can .. and must .." "Hold fast to our ideal of democracy because we've made it a shining reality." "Let's cherish our proud traditions of freedom and tolerance." "Let's vow that our tolerance will never become indifference." "And our freedom never become license." "Let's respect each other's rights." "And defend .. with the pen if possible, or the sword if need be." "Our inalienable privilege to be a free and united people." "This is indeed a very great pleasure." "Mr Howells, if you wait here, I'll get Mr Twain." "He's very anxious to meet you." "Certainly." "Will you excuse me please." "William Dean Howells is here." "I just got hold of him." "Who?" "Of The Atlantic Monthly, the foremost literary critic in the country." "And he looks perfectly bland." "Please play up to him, it's terribly important." "Were all those stories true Mr Twain?" "I wanted to tell you, my aunt had the most amusing experience with a mule." "Mark, I'm very happy to .." "─ Just a moment .." "Good evening." "How did you enjoy the lecture?" "─ He sure has a fine sense of humor." "I'm so glad to see you." "Livy, I'd like to present Mr Clemens, or Mr Twain." "My sister." "I knew you in a second Mr Clemens." "I'm afraid I've been talking to your sister all evening .. did you notice?" "Why .." "I .." "We hope you'll come to Elmira." "─ Well, thank you." "That's mighty kind." "Well .. we'll have to hurry to catch our train." "Well, what are we waiting for?" "Come on." "Mark .." "Yes, yes I know .. but how does he become a house guest?" "Honestly father, I don't quite know." "─ This is rather preposterous you know." "I am afraid it is more so than you realize sir." "When I met Mr Twain on the river, Livy's picture caught his eye and .." "He announced he was going to marry her." "─ Marry her?" "He's got to get out." "The presumption of these Westerners is beyond endurance." "So just as he grabs for the cat Miss Langdon, he slips on the icy road." "And he goes avalanching down through the trellis." "Right in the middle of my sister's party .. in his night shirt." "Really?" "I tell you, if you ever knew Jim Wolf." "I'm sorry to interrupt you Mr Twain but you barely have time to make the 9:25." "Why Jervis .." "─ I'm sorry." "Oh .." "I've got no real call to .." "─ I can drive you to the depot." "Don't put yourself to the trouble." "─ Don't mention it." "The carriage is ready, father." "─ Thank you." "Mr Twain, we'll just be able to make it." "Well .. goodbye. ─ Goodbye." "─ Goodbye Mr Twain." "I want you to know .. whatever happens next .." "I wouldn't have missed this." "Not for all the steamboats that ever rode the Mississippi." "Goodbye Mr Clemens, I hope we'll see you again soon." "Step right in Mr Twain, we must hurry." "Now, how did he manage to do that?" "Mr Clemens, did you hurt yourself?" "What a stupid thing to have happened." "Careful Charles, careful." "Let's take him inside." "Quick." "Get the doctor." "What part of the anatomy did you say he fell on?" "─ I haven't faintest idea." "Well .. just to be safe, we'd better not move him for the present." "He's certainly tame isn't he." "─ Of course he is Livy." "You know as well as I do there are no wild animals until man makes them so" "I sometimes wonder who is better off." "You do have a very weak opinion of yourself, don't you." "I guess so .." "I just don't belong in your world." "There is something wrong with my world?" "─ No there isn't Livy." "It's a wonderful world because it's got you in it." "I'm an outsider .. a tramp pilot." "A mud-cat with the river dried up." "There's an example of our temperamental New England weather." "That's the trouble with you folks here in the East." "Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it." "I guess you knew all the time I've been here. ─ Yes, I .." "I did." "Now that you've found me out, you going to tell on me?" "I always knew that sometime I'd have to come and find you." "See if you were real." "But now .." "─ Are you disappointed?" "Now I know you, you're so much finer and dearer than anything I can dream of .." "I know you can't ever marry me, I know now that isn't possible." "But anyway, I'll always be sure the best thing I ever did was to fall in love." "Well, reckon I must give back something that doesn't rightfully belong to me." "Why .. where on earth did you get this?" "First time I saw it, I knew I'd never seen anyone so beautiful or so sweet." "So .." "I stole it." "It's been in the bottom of mines, up mountains, over plains, everywhere." "For a long time." "Why Mark." "Pretty silly of me, I see now." "I couldn't even support you." "Your father's made that clear to me in a hundred different ways." "And he's right." "Mark .. why did you come East?" "─ To look for you." "That's what brought Sam Clemens here .. but Mark, answer me this." "Why did Mark Twain come East?" "You've forgotten about him, haven't you?" "─ Yeah, I guess I have." "I'm not going to let you forget him again." "Because I'm going to be with you." "I don't care if we ever have anything or not .." "I just want to be with you." "You can say that in spite of your family and everybody .. and everything?" "I knew it the night of the lecture." "The first time I looked at you." "Livy, I'd split the world wide open for you, to prove you're right." "So this is yours now .. and you can stop all this lying and stealing." "Livy, I give you my word." "I'll never tell another lie." "He must have heard me." "Come in." "Sit down Mr Twain .. or Mr Clemens." "Rhymes with "lemons"." "─ Oh, I see." "I have finally heard from your friends whom you yourself requested write to me." "I guess I felt I needed a few words in my favor." "The "Reverend Gillis" of Jackass Hill expects you to fill a drunkard's grave." "Oh would you look at that!" "I suppose I've lied for that man 500 times." "Don't you think he could do as much for me, just this once?" "Clemens, what kind of people are these?" "Haven't you a single real friend in the world?" "Surely doesn't seem so, does it." "I admire you for one thing Mr Clemens." "Your cool courage makes Washington of Valley Forge look timid." "Well, I .." "I'm told that you are a writer." "─ Perhaps." "Perhaps we here have a little different conception as to what a writer is." "Emerson, Longfellow, Whittier, Oliver Wendell Holmes." "Men born of these rocks and hills." "Great shadowy names like Gods on Olympus." "We think of these as writers." "I would not have thought that some comic bits tossed off in catch-penny papers." "Would have entitled anyone to class himself among them." "Now Mr Langdon, I don't claim to be .." "I have talked to Livy." "I cannot hope to change her purpose." "You think it's as bad as .. ?" "─ Livy is a delicate, sensitive girl." "You've elected to take her away from everything she's lived for." "Mr Langdon I swear to you, I'd give my life .." "Father!" "mother just gave me this." "Mark, look at it!" "What is it?" "Some kind of summons?" "No, it's the deed to a house in Buffalo." "Father's wedding gift to us." "Why did you have to scare me so, when you meant to do this wonderful thing?" "Livy, your happiness means everything to me." "Mr Langdon sir, I just want you to know if .." "You are ever up in our vicinity you can come and stay with us." "Stay overnight if you want to, and it won't cost you a cent." "Good evening." "Mr Twain, good evening." "It's good to see you again." "I don't know how I'd stay in business without you." "You got a contract with an orphanage, or something?" "Oh no, I like to play with these myself." "It's for a little boy, a tiny little boy." "I know." "I can tell by the things you always pick." "How old is he?" "Well in some ways, by actual counting, he's only about a year." "But him and you are just the same age." "Isn't that right?" "I can run a month on a compliment like that." "I know .." "I know." "You couldn't write like you do if you was any different." "Mr Twain." "Mr Twain." "Could you do me the honor to write your name in "Innocents Abroad"?" "I've read it four times." "─ Good." "Good .. good." "No, it's you that's good to ask me." "Will you write your name in "Roughing It" too?" "I read this one seven times." "By George, I'm going to refund you my royalties." "Will you bring your little boy in to see me?" "I'd like to meet him." "The very minute he gets over his cold." "─ Good, good." "Oh .. how about this nice Noah's Ark?" "─ Oh no .." "I'm opposed to Noah." "This world would be a lot better off if Noah had .. missed the boat." "Here .. this is more like it .. just what I wanted .." "I'm sure he'll like this." "He doesn't see it." "He doesn't see it." "Get doctor Quintard .. quick." "Have some tea." "Is it going any better, Mark?" "─ I can't write anything Livy." "I don't reckon I'll ever write anything again." "I wanted to take our little boy to Mississippi." "I wanted to take his hand and wade with him in the Mississippi mud." "I can feel that mud between my own toes yet." "I can hear the steamboat whistles far off down the bend." "He'll never see the river now." "No Mark .. our little son will never see it." "But Mark, you must save those things you loved." "You must save them for whole generations of little boys .. of all ages." "Forever." "You mustn't let those precious things be lost." "You're the only man who's lived who can do it, Mark." "Because you're the only man in the world who still is that little barefoot boy." "Wading in the Mississippi mud, playing out on the raft." "Watching the steamboats .. the way you've told me so many times." "It all seems so long ago." "But you'll remember." "You'll remember it all as nobody else ever can." "You do remember." "You've got to remember." "Come on Huck." "Hurry Jim." "What that say?" ""What does pirates have to do?"" ""Tom said:" ─ "Tom said?" Hey, that's me." "Hey, what did I say?" "I wasn't asleep." "Just .. resting my eyes." "Have you nearly finished?" "Oh Mark." "Mark, it's so great, so human, so real." "Do you think anyone will ever read it?" "─ Read it?" "Why the whole world is going to read it, in every language, in every country." "This year, and next and in a thousand years they'll still be reading it." "Do you know what you've done?" "You've captured youth." "You've given eternal youth to every living mortal who can read." "Livy, if you like it, that's all I care about." "Youth .. that's what you are." "I'll never be able to think of you as anything else." "Mr Howells .." "Mr Howells." "Would you sign this, please." "─ Why yes, of course." "That's Mark Twain's latest work, isn't it sir." "This book should cure every torpid liver and chronic grouch in America." "May I read it later, sir?" "I've read everything he's written. ─ You have?" "Nearly everyone I know has read "Roughing It" sir." "And "Tom Sawyer", that was a great one." "All Mark Twain's books have been great, Hardy." "I'll tell you how I know." "I try to read a book solely from the standpoint of a critic." "In spite of it all, I read Twain's books from the standpoint of a human being." "The public must agree with you, sir." "Our subscriptions jump every time Mark Twain's name appears on the cover." "That reminds me." "I want to send him an invitation." "Is he at Quarry Farm or at Hartford?" "─ Hartford, sir." "Good .. take a letter "My dear Mark Twain .."" "It beats me." "It beats me." "How can they want me to speak?" "At Whittier's birthday of all places." "Mark, I knew it would come." "And William Dean Howells of all people to ask you." "Remember when you swept by him after that lecture?" "Do I remember .." "What are you looking for, dear?" "─ Collar buttons. ─ In your shirt." "They're having people with names that we used to start meals with in Missouri." "Ralph Waldo Emerson .." "Henry Waldo Longfellow .." "John Greenleaf Whittier." "Oliver "Waldo" Holmes." "Do you think I'd better speak as Mark "Waldo" Twain?" "Don't tell me you're going to wear that." "─ I threw my necktie out the window." "Oh Mark, when will you stop doing those things?" "I'll find you another one." "Do you suppose they've actually read my things?" "Oh they couldn't have." "It's just like unloading an ordinary mud-cat on a parcel of Gods." "Now, it isn't that at all." "It's just that all we've worked, waited and hoped for, is now coming true." "I .." "I can't wait to write to father." "I hooked the tie alright .. now she's fouled." "I'm William Dean Howells." "Well, come on in if you feel alright." "Rest yourself, sir." "I suppose I'm the happiest person in the world tonight." "For you to be recognized and appreciated by people who know what's fine." "Livy, if one literary gentleman yells "snag" I'll probably jump overboard." "Come in." "Excuse me .. there is Mr Howells .. he's standing quiet .. now." "He's standing by the umbrella stand." "─ I had better go down." "Do give them your best tonight Mark." "I'll bust a boiler for them Livy." "Don't forget, I stay in town overnight." "─ I know dear." "Mr Howells wants you fetch it and hurry." "─ I'll be there." "I don't know which one these shoes .." "Oh, Oh hello Pond!" "Hey, have you got a pair of suspenders?" "─ Suspenders?" "Sure." "Well, let me have them, will you." "Come on up the trellis." "Here, here let me give you a hand." "It was the biggest battle between me and my kit since the Grand Turk blew up." "Is Howells here yet?" "─ Yes, he's downstairs." "Mark, this is the most important event since I met you on the levy." "After tonight, you'll have those bigwigs right in your pocket." "I tell you one thing Pond, I'll give the bigwigs the biggest surprise ever." "It just came to me while I was dismissing that shirt." "Yes sir, I hope those fellows have a sense of humor." "And so, I give you Mark Twain." "Mr Toastmaster .." "Mr Whittier." "Gentlemen." "Standing here beside the Atlantic and contemplating certain literary billows." "I'm reminded of a thing that happened to me once." "When I had just succeeded in stirring up a little .." "Western literary puddle myself." "I'm sure you're going to enjoy Mark Twain Mr Whittier. ─ Yes." "I started an inspection tramp through the mines of California." "I was callow and conceited." "And resolved to try the virtue of my pen-name .." "I soon had an opportunity." "I knocked at a miner's lonely cabin in the Sierra Snows." "A melancholy, bare-footed man opened the door." "And when I told him I was Mark Twain .. he looked more dejected than before." "He let me in pretty reluctantly I thought." "Then he said, in the voice of one who is secretly suffering." ""You're the 4th literary man who's been here in 48 hours." "I'm going to move."" "Here .. you don't tell me, said I. Who are the others?" "He said:" "Mr Longfellow, Mr Emerson, Mr Oliver Wendell Holmes." "Consound such a rough bunch." "You can easily believe I was interested." "I supplicated." "Three hot whiskeys did the rest." "Finally, the melancholy miner began." "Says he:" "Mr Holmes was as fat as a balloon .." "he weighed as much as three hundred." "Mr Emerson was a seedy little bit of a chaff, red-headed." "Mr Longfellow was built like a prizefighter." "His head was cropped and bristly like a wig made of hairbrushes." "And they'd been drinking, I could see that." "However .." "However, as I get out my bacon and beans, Mr Holmes gets his eye on a jug." "Says he:" ""Flash out a stream of blood-red wine, for I would drink to other days"." "By George, I was getting kind of worked up." "Did you sponsor this?" "─ It never occurred to me." "So now Mr Emerson, he points to me and he says .." ""Is yonder squalid peasant all that this proud nursery could breed?"" "He was a whetting of his Bowie knife on his boot at the time so I let that pass." "I stopped the miner .. said uh .." "Why these were not the gracious singers to whom the world pays loving reverence." "These were imposters." "The miner investigated me for a while and then said .." ""Ah, imposters were they?" "Are you?"" "I did not pursue the subject." "Emerson, Longfellow, Whittier, Oliver Wendell Holmes." "We think of these as writers .. and you compare yourself to these men?" "Mr Chairman, in my enthusiasm I may have exaggerated the details a little." "But I .. hope you'll forgive me." "Since I believe this is the first time I have deflected from perpendicular fact." "On an occasion like this." "Livy .. please." "Please." "I ought to be shot." "I guess anybody would be glad to furnish the powder and lead." "I don't see how any one man can be so many kinds of a fool." "Mark." "Livy." "What on earth ever persuaded you to marry such an insufferable idiot?" "Mark .." "I'm only crying because .." "Because I've been reading your new story, your Huckleberry Finn." "It's the greatest thing you've ever done." "It's greater than Tom Sawyer." "Don't you know .. haven't you heard?" "You must tell me what's coming next in this wonderful story." "And tell me by writing it .. so it won't be lost." "Finishing this is more important than anything else could be in the world." "Believe me .. believe me Mark .. this is what matters." "It hardly seems possible that I could ever .." "But if this is half as good as Livy seems to think .." "I'm sorry Mark." "I came for the papers, but Livy's cut the reports, hoping you wouldn't see them." "Don't let it beat you, Mark." "That girl believed in me when not one voice not a word was raised on my behalf." "I promised my immortal soul that I would prove she was right." "I didn't know then that I'd have to change myself, clear down to the roots." "The way I think, the way I breathe, the words I know .. but I can do that too." "I'll start again .." "I'll change the name I write with." ""Mark Twain"?" "The Mississippi river did this to Livy." "The mud of that river is in my blood." "And Pond, I'm going to get it out!" "I'm going to get it out if it's the last thing do!" "Mark, why won't you tell me where we're going?" "Because I want to astound you." "You'll see in a few minutes." "Can't you even say .." "─ All I can say is .." "You're going to see something that will revolutionize the civilized world." "Is that all?" "─ It will change our lives too." "Change our lives?" "─ I have plans, Livy." "Plans for getting myself out of the mud." "It's a plunge, I know." "Before it's done we may have to put in every cent we got." "But what an opportunity." "This is the best thing that's happened to me since Joe Twitchell married us." "Isn't it wonderful Livy?" "Nothing like it has ever been seen in the world before." "When I was a boy, I never dreamed it was possible. ─ What is it?" "It's a Typesetter." "It sets type all by itself when you press these keys." "I know it looks ridiculous now Livy, but the principle is amazing." "It picks up the type here, and it sets it altogether in the proper place here." "Think of it." "A machine sets hundreds of words a minute, a thousand pages a day." "That's right Mrs Clemens." "Of course this machine just gives you a crude idea." "Just the principle of the thing." "I'll show you." "First, you wind the helical spring .. then .." "You release these .. and the line's catch .." "Engage the clutch .. then you sit down and play it like an organ." "See." "What did I tell you?" "It needs a little adjustment." "Ouch!" ".. it's .. it's uncanny." "Can you see it, Livy?" "Mark, is this what we're putting all our money into?" "I don't mean this thing the way it is now." "I'm seeing a great, smooth-running engine the way it's going to be someday." "It will reduce the cost of printing fifty percent." "If we can get it perfected in time to start our publishing house with this." "What publishing house?" "─ Livy .." "Huck Finn is the last funny book I'm ever going to write." "I hope." "It's royalties will have to last us a long time, so .." "I'll publish it myself." "Have you gone out of your mind?" "I got 50 ideas to make publishing into a real thing." "A new kind of publishing." "But no writer has ever before done it." "─ That's right, but we'll do it now." "We'll sell a hundred thousand copies, a million copies." "Cover the whole country." "Own our own paper-mill." "Then my hands will be free to write something serious .. and good." "But Mark, everybody reads your stories and loves them." "But it isn't good enough Livy." "There's people in the world whose proper place is with the stars of the heavens." "You are one of them .." "I mean to get the stars for you, Livy." "You know .. a little change here .. a little change there .." "And $5,000 more, and we'll perfect it." "─ Fine .. fine." "I'll give you a check." ""I tell you, we'll astound the world with that typesetter."" ""Yes, sir!" "This is certainly the age of progress."" ""Why, it beats me how anyone can keep from getting rich in this country."" ""Telegraph lines race out and tie the hemisphere together."" ""Railroads done roll across thousands of miles."" ""The whole nation is .. coming of age."" ""Great new leaders rise up."" ""A Missouri tanner who fought the battle of the wilderness."" ""Leads his country in new victories and peace."" "The typesetter has developed too, Mark." "$10,000 more will perfect it." ""Our publishing house is growing, Mark." "It's grossing over tens of thousands."" "Yeah, but why don't we make some profits?" ""Another funny book, Mark." "You must have money."" ""Another, and then another." "One more funny book, for the publishing house."" "One more for the typesetter." ""Whole cities spring up." "Great industries are born."" ""My part is to think up a giggle." "─ Another book, another."" ""$5,000 more will perfect it." "─ The publishing house needs money."" ""Another book, another!" "Perfect it."" ""$5,000, $10,000 .. money, money, money!" "─ Money, money!" "Is there any end to it?"" ""Can't I even free my hands for one year, for one week?"" ""To do the single, fine, serious work I owe to Livy."" ""One more funny book, one more." "For the typesetter, for the publishing house."" ""More, Mark." "More." "For the typesetter, the typesetter."" ""$10,000 more Mr Twain."" "Can't I even get five minutes to swim?" ""As I scribble and scribble year after year, the world is going away from me."" ""Would you stop now after ten years of struggle and lose all you've invested?"" ""Yes!"" "I've got into the worst mess ever seen." "You're the best financier in New York, Rogers." "All you got to do is get me out." "When you asked me to straighten out your affairs Mark." "I had no idea they were so involved." "─ I want to get shot of everything." "The typesetter, the publishing house." "─ I'm glad to hear you say that, Mark." "I believe I can get you out of this now, and still avoid bankruptcy." "Good, and just as soon as I publish this last book, we close the whole shebang." "Mark, if you invest one more cent in anything, I can't get you out." "This is the memoirs of Ulysses S. Grant." "This is living history." "Sorry Mark, but if you want to get out with a whole skin, you have to stop now." "You can't publish this or any other book." "─ This book .." "Well, alright .." "I'll see Grant and explain." "I guess he'll understand." "Oh Mr Twain. ─ Is the General in?" "─ Yes, sir." "He's in the study." "Mr Twain .. come in, come in." "This is an honor." "─ General." "I regret that illness prevents me from rising .. pull up a chair." "Sit down my friend." "─ Thank you." "I regret that circumstances stop me from seeing you with more pomp and ceremony." "Sit down." "─ Oh General, I .." "I had no idea." "You hadn't Mr Twain." "Times are moving." "Humanity is busy with its own affairs." "I believe you once said to yourself .." ""Poverty is no disgrace, but it is a damnable inconvenience."" "I presume you've come to talk about my book." "Oh yes .. yes .." "I've come about the book." "I was delighted to get your letters and that you thought so highly of my work." "General .. you've had offers from other publishers." "Yes, yes." "Can't you see them." "This is ridiculous." "This is outrageous." "At every point they've sensed the fair thing to do and scrupulously avoided it." "Only ten percent royalty." "General, if you ever permit yourself to sign such a contract as this, well .." "Isn't that all I have a right to expect?" "─ A "right to expect"?" "General Grant .. who has a right to expect more than you?" "In his own times perhaps General, no man is truly great." "But believe me, millions of children yet unborn, will know about your greatness." "Mr Twain .. that's the sincerest tribute that has ever been paid to any man." "Mark, you are insane .." "I warn you, this will bring about your absolute ruin." "I saw Grant ride in to Washington at the head of 50,000 men." "Strong, victorious." "He rode straight into the White House then, and I saw him yesterday." "It was unbelievable." "He sat there broken, sick." "Literally dying." "But still courageous!" "─ Well, we'll put on campaign." "That's exactly what we can't do." "But Mark, there are other publishers." "─ I've seen their offers." "They're taking miserable advantage of his poverty and humiliation." "A cash advance, and seventy percent of the gross?" "Have you committed to these terms?" "I tell you there are things here bigger than you or me Roger." "Sir General Grant." "If we turn our back on that man, we turn ourselves into folks cowardly and mean." "It takes all dignity out of humanity." "It leaves us ashamed of what we are" "All that isn't on your shoulders Mark." "You know I could publish this book of his." "Overnight his beggary would end." "Do you honestly believe that Grant's book would prove such a tremendous success?" "I'm not interested in making one penny on the rescue of General Grant." "Then that settles it .." "I tell you again Mark, if you do this one thing more, I can never get you out." "You'll be writing for the rest of your life, just to pay off your debts." "With bankruptcy staring you in the face." "─ Might be worth it. ─ Mark." "General Grant would be the last person to permit a risk to anyone but himself." "I beg of you .. please consider it carefully and calmly." "Katie .." "Katie Leary!" "Where in blazes are my pipe-cleaners now?" "What kind of ornery dunder-headed trifling do I have to put up with here?" "Katie Leary, you wild Irish Fenian, what do you mean by this?" "How many thousand times have I told .." "─ Why you be hollering your top off?" "Let me tell you, there's nothing lower on this earth than a pipe-cleaner stealer!" "Be ashamed!" "With the little ones so close and in bed." "So upset they'll be with your hollering that they won't get a wink of sleep." "That pipe-cleaner was worth upwards of 5,000 dollars." "If you'd stop your infernal raids on my desk, and quit making a wreck of this." "Things wouldn't be so calamitous around here." "Now, watch this." "There .. you see that line?" "If you dare cross that line again, you will instantly die 7 different deaths!" "All of them new." "You get it?" "There is your pipe-cleaner." "Foul plague that it be." "Who put it there?" "The idea of a grown man behaving like you." "He's worse than a lot of children." "Mark, I know it's a hard decision to make, but don't take it out on Kate." "I'm not angry at Katie." "She's just excitable." "I wish I could help you." "But whatever you decide to do about General Grant .." "I know will be right." "I'm not at all sure I want to be right." "When I think of all the disagreeable folk I know who've gone to a better world." "I move to lead the worst life I can." "Come on Papa. ─ Papa." "─ We wait for you to tell us a story." "Jean!" "Susy!" "─ I'm coming." "I'll put them to bed." "─ I can still do that, can't I?" "If it were anyone in the world but .." "General Grant." "Come on darlings." "Where we going?" "─ I'll show you." "Who was General Grant Papa?" "Was he a Mississippi pilot?" "Well he's .. he's more like a woolly bear." "Come on Clara, Papa's going to tell us a story." "About a woolly bear?" "─ Yes, dear." "Once .. there was a woolly bear." "And he lived in a wonderful woods, full of lollipop bushes and little animals." "And one day the woods caught fire." "─ And what did the bear do?" "Well, he saw all the other animals running away, so he started to run too." "But he looked around and suddenly he turned and ran right at the fire." "Youth!" "If you're trying to give those babies nightmares again." "It's alright Mama, we never believe Papa's stories. ─ Go on Papa." "Well, he ran right straight into the fire, and he began to spank it." "And he just flew around that woods battering that old fire right to pieces." "What happened?" "He saved the whole thing." "Did you see him, Papa?" "─ Oh yes." "Yes, I saw him." "And then after a while it was winter, all cold and snow." "And it in all the woods, there wasn't one warm home for that old woolly bear." "So he went away because woolly bears don't know how to beg from anyone." "And he walked far off, very slowly, on his old hurt paws." "And he lied down in the snow .. all alone .. a dying old bear." "Nobody remembering or caring about him anymore." "Poor old woolly bear." "Did he die Papa?" "Not yet darling .. and we can't let him." ""Mark, you're insane." "I warn you, this will bring about your absolute ruin."" ""I saw Grant ride in to Washington at the head of 50,000 men."" ""But all that isn't on your shoulders, Mark."" ""There are other publishers."" ""We turn our back on that man, we turn ourselves into folks cowardly and mean."" ""It takes all dignity out of humanity." "It leaves us ashamed of what we are."" ""Millions of children yet unborn, will know and realize your greatness."" ""That's the sincerest tribute that has ever been paid to any man."" ""I tell you again Mark, if you do this one thing more, I can never get you out."" ""You'll be writing for the rest of your life, just to pay off your debts."" ""With bankruptcy staring you in the face."" "Mark, it's inconceivable how a man of your abilities has ended up in like this." "Maybe because I've a genius for getting into worse fixes than any man who lived." "You made a fortune for General Grant's widow." "What did you get out of it?" "Satisfaction." "Mrs Grant, hundreds of your friends in the country have offered their help." "Why won't you let us help you?" "Once, down on the Mississippi there was a big flood." "And old Darkie standing on the shore saw a cat floating by in a chicken coop." "And that cat was a friend of his." "So he got himself a pole, and tried to pull it ashore." "You know what happened to the Darkie?" "─ What?" "─ He fell in himself." "After a while, that cat just jumped ashore." "Mark, you think you can ever jump ashore from this chicken-coop?" "Gentlemen .." "I've just come from the creditors meeting. ─ Yes?" "We reached an agreement." "I convinced them that they couldn't get more than fifty cents on the dollar." "Fifty cents on the dollar?" "I won't accept it." "Go back and tell them I won't accept it." "Go back and say it's not good enough." "I'll pay them every penny I owe." "That's you'd like, but do you realize your debt is a quarter million dollars?" "It's utterly impossible." "Gentlemen, once when I wanted a frog, I went where frogs were, and I got one." "A lot of foolish people in the world are willing to pay money to hear me speak." "So I am going on a lecture tour." "First across the United States to the West Coast." "Then across the Pacific to Hawaii." "Australia, New Zealand, China, India, Africa." "I'll speak in every principal city in this infernal globe." "I'll talk around the world, as long as anybody will listen." "Around the world?" "Do you realize what a plan like this means at your age?" "Night after night, month after month, travelling, talking." "Why, it's beyond anyone's physical endurance." "You know of an easier way to earn a quarter million dollars?" "But Africa?" "─ Well, I can stand it if Africa can." "What's the matter, don't you think I'd be funny in Hottentot?" "Why the common flea has been to these places." "You want me beaten by a flea?" "I'll talk wherever six people will gather together at a crossroads." "Then I'm going to flabbergast those creditors." "Heavens, if you can do this Mark, you'll be the most famous man in the world." "And me the richest." "Can't we fix it to make you the most famous and .. me the richest?" "There's Mark Twain." "Hi Mark, you got Huck Finn with you?" "─ Good luck Mark." "Hey Mark, you're the Prince." "And I'm the pauper." "I'll be carrying this one." "─ Yes sir." "Now what are you all sniffling about?" "Can't a man go away once in his life without being cried over?" "You're crying yourself, Papa." "─ I am not. ─ Papa, please take care." "Now look here, Clara." "Am I raising a daughter or are you raising me?" "Why I'm raising you." "Somebody has to." "Well, don't worry about me." "I arrived with Halley's comet and I'm staying until it comes back for me." "That won't be for a long time, I hope." ""All aboard!"" "Oh Mark, I want to go with you." "Don't start." "It's only because you're here with the girls that I can go." "Mark!" "Come on." "─ Alright, alright." "Oh Youth!" "I want so to go with you." "Now Livy, it will do you good being shot of me for a while after all these years." "Don't forget, you're coming over just as soon as the girls are off to school." ""All aboard!" ─ Goodbye Jean. ─ Goodbye Papa." "Susy." "Goodbye Papa." "─ Clara." "Please .. please take care of yourself." ""All aboard!"" "Take care of yourself." "That's more important." "Goodbye Papa." "─ Goodbye." "Goodbye Papa." "─ Goodbye Papa." "Goodbye Youth .. goodbye." "Mother, you were wonderful." "Papa didn't have the least idea you weren't feeling well." "You know, there has been a great to-do over Adam as the inventor of sin." "Why, it was nothing at all." "I could have done it myself." "Ladies and gentlemen." "In the United States." "We refer to Australia as the other side of the world." "But I must say, now that I'm here." "It feels just as right-side-up as the other side." "I have a cable here from Rogers." "─ Uhuh." ""Mark .. you have a long way to go."" "Mark Twain .. ha ha." ""In my travels around the world."" ""I have been impressed by one fact more than any other."" ""The universal brotherhood of man."" ""He is our most precious possession."" ""What there is of it."" ""The trouble with the human race is .."" "The "human race"." ""Concerning the difference between man and the jackass."" ""Some observers hold .." "that there isn't any."" ""But this .. wrongs the jackass."" ""In fact .. speaking of animals."" "I have often thought .. that God .." ""Probably created the monkey .."" ""Because he was disappointed in man."" "I say, I have a cablegram from America." "It says "Mark Twain is dead"." "Oh I say, this is rotten luck." "─ What's the matter young man?" "It's rather awkward sir." "You see Mr Twain, I get paid by the word." "And they don't want an item unless you're dead." "And I had counted on at least 500 words." "Well, I tell you what you do." "You cable them a 1000 words saying .." "Oh .. just say the report of my death .." "Has been greatly exaggerated." "Greatly exaggerated." "Well, it is isn't it?" "Oh yes ..of course!" "Ladies and gentlemen." "William Shakespeare .. probably the greatest man of English letters." "Is dead." "John Keats .. one of our finest poets." "Is dead." "And I feel .. far from well myself." "Sometimes, I don't see how I can cook up one more silly remark." "I am thought-dry." "And I've still got to disillusion Paris and Brussels, Amsterdam and Munich." "Mark, what would be the best news I could give you?" "That I'd never have to face another audience as long as I live." "Well, two more lectures and you won't have to." "You'll have paid every cent you owe." "I won't have to be comical in Dutch?" "─ No." "And I can join Livy in Florence?" "I'm glad I had her wait for me there." "She never could have stood it." "Mark .. you've done it." "─ Of course I've done it." "Pond .. for every moment, I held the unwavering belief that this thing was .." "Utterly impossible!" "Buongiorno .. una lettera da Londra." "─ Grazie." "Mrs Clemens .. it is a letter from Mr Clemens .. from London." "Oh, he's coming .." "I know he's coming very soon." ""And now I want to do nothing in this lopsided world but see you in Florence."" ""No boat is fast enough nor train speedy enough to bring me to you."" ""Goodnight dear heart."" ""Sweet dreams .." "Mark."" "You take this now." "It will make you rest." "It seemed impossible .. but he had so much courage." "We will go in now .. you will sleep a little maybe, huh?" "I thought maybe she'd see it when she woke .. maybe make her smile." "She'll love it .. you know Mark, I think .." "Mark .." "Mark." "─ Yes dear?" "Mark .. come quickly." "Livy .. what?" "Are you alright?" "Livy, what happened?" "Why, you look like you've seen an angel." "Mark .. what would it take to make you think you are a pretty good writer?" "Well, I did kind of set out to be .. only the paper gave out." "You see .." "I've known it for a long time." "I've known it all our life together." "─ Livy, dearest." "You make me feel I can count on one vote, even if I ran on the Republican ticket." "Of course, the people always knew it." "They loved you from the very first." "You know, that's like our babies, always liked me best when I stood on my head." "You struggled so hard to be something else." "To get away from the wonderful thing you are." "But darling, that very struggle you made .." "Wrote your name in the everlasting stars." "This is from Oxford University, Mark." "They've sent for you." "You are to be given the same honorary degree .." "As was given Wordsworth and Macaulay, and Robert Browning." "The name "Mark Twain" is with them now." "There isn't any higher honor, Mark." "Livy .. do you really think that ..?" "─ With all my heart." "And now dear .. promise me one thing." "You must go to Oxford .." "even if I can't be there." "And stand where those other greats have stood." "Yes I promise, Livy." "I don't think any woman has ever been as happy .. as I am tonight." "Now Mark, will you sing to me a little while .. while I go to sleep." ""Swing low sweet chariot."" ""Coming for to carry me home."" ""Swing low sweet chariot."" ""Coming for to carry me home."" ""I looked over Jordan, and what did I see?"" ""Coming for to carry me home."" ""A band of angels, coming after me."" ""Coming for to carry me home."" ""Swing low sweet chariot."" ""Coming for to carry .. "" "You can stop now Mark .." "I think." "It's so beautiful I .." "I can't believe she doesn't see it." "I can't go back to America right away." "There's something I promised her to do." "I'll see that everything is taken care of, Mark." "I want you to have this carved on the stone for her resting place in Elmira." "I couldn't write anything myself." "Warm summer sun .. shine kindly here." "Warm Southern wind .. blow softly here." "Green sod above .." "lie light, lie light." "Goodnight dear heart." "Goodnight .. goodnight." "Bravo .." "Connecticut Yankee." "I say, did you bring your chopping fork?" "This is much better than "roughing it" isn't it?" "I say, how's Huckleberry Finn?" "And so Rudyard Kipling, I confer on you the degree Doctoris Literarum." "Samuel Langhorne Clemens .." "Mark Twain." "Most amiable and charming Sir." "You shake the sides of the whole world with your merriment." "In the heart of the American continent, a great river, the glorious Mississippi." "Gave its lifeblood to a young nation throughout its early days." "The part played by that river in world history .. is now done." "But .. through the writings of this single man, the river flows on .." "A part of our own lives .. forever." "And yet he has done more than bring a river to our hearts." "Through humble, human scenes." "Through glimpses of bare-footed men and bewildered boys." "He has preserved to us our finest record of a great nation as it came of age." "A record that stands, imperishable and irreplaceable." "Like the pyramids of Egypt, immortalizing a stirring age." "He has given us even more." "He has made it impossible for any man ever again." "To mistrust the soil in which his own life found root." "Or to doubt that he himself may draw from it all greatness." "Wherever that soil may be." "He has taught us that it is through the laughter and tears .. of humble folk." "That a nation's story may be most truly told." "All this we, the people of England, nay, the peoples of all nations." "Owe to Mark Twain." "You know Quintard, it beats me." "I suppose Man is the only living animal who never knows where he's at." "You take the cat that sat on a hot stove." "She didn't have any perspective or time to think." "But she knew instinctively that cat, what she had done." "She got off at once!" "I have to run now, Mark." "Oh, can't you sit and smoke just one more Manila?" "─ No." "This is better than I usually offer you." "─ And neither can you." "I'll look at the reports now, Clara." "─ They're in the study, doctor." "You don't need to do that now, father." "Just force-of-habit I suppose." "Where's my cat?" "Well, she's busy." "She'll explain later." "Seems only a few minutes ago that that cat was a kitten." "Now she's fifteen cats." "─ Twenty, that's what she's busy with." "Sometimes I feel like a stalk of corn." "Left standing all alone .. in a field." "Nobody left for me to .." "Play with anymore." "Doctor Quintard .." "Doctor Quintard!" ""Sam .." "Sam .. here we are."" ""Come on .. come on."" "Oh my darling, if you could only know." "What you look upon as my death, has been greatly exaggerated." ""Sam .." "Sam .. come on .. come on ..""