"Ahh, pizza. [sniffs] what do we got?" "Oh, uh, we've got gluten-free with cashew cheese, nut-free with soy cheese, vegetarian meat lover, and crust-free." "Gross." "What ev... what ever happened to regular pizza?" "I want cheese ..." "just plain cheese." "Honey, don't you watch the news?" "Kids who eat plain cheese pizza die." "[doorbell rings] Oh." "I'll get it." " Whoo!" " Whoa, watch out, Dad!" "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." "Hi, ladies." "How you doing?" "Hillary's in her room." "You girls want some ice cream while you talk about boys?" "[chuckles] Hardly." "We're amending the student government constitution." "Oh, cool." "[thud]" "Oh." "Diane?" " What are you doing here?" " Oh, Warren asked me to come by." "I thought Warren was having a friend sleep over." " And here she is!" "[chuckles]" " Ah!" "My Mom and my friend are the same person so that I know my Mom approves and I know my friend thinks my Mom is cool." "Ohh." "Oh, that's a surprising choice for... yeah." " Let's go play twister in my room." " Come on." "Make sure you keep the bedroom door open. [chuckles] 1x20" " There's No Guy in Team" "Wow, Meg, you're up before 8:00." "I'm impressed." "Yeah, right." "I haven't gone to bed yet." "There was a D.U.I. check point right down the street from your house, so I just pulled into your driveway." "I wasn't drunk, but there's a slight chance I bought a stolen car." " That's more like it." " I'm worried about Warren." "You know, when I was a kid, I was hanging out with friends." "He's having sleepovers with his mom." "High school's supposed to be tough." "It's okay." "It builds character." "Believe it or not, I wasn't very popular in high school." " I turned out okay." " Really?" "'Cause Kate says you write legal porn in your free time." " Kate!" " Meg!" "It's not legal porn." "It's judicial erotica." " Mm." " Anyway, d-don't worry about Warren." "Just..." "let him do his thing." "Let me tell you about a guy who did his thing, all right?" "Arnie Plopper." " Mm-hmm." " That's his real name ... the Plopster." "Arnie worked at a wig shop, and then one day," "I saw him driving down the street and was like," ""oh, my god, he's got a girlfriend,"" "and then I realized that he was having a conversation with a pile of wigs." "If Warren starts working at a wig shop, I'll talk to him." "I just want him to have, like, a good group of friends, you know?" "His own little crew, gang." "Well, then, just put some beers in his lunch." "That'll get him to the cool table." "And if not, he'll have beers in his lunch." "Unh, unh." "Wow!" " Hey, bud." " Hey." " Hey, oatmeal me." " We're out of oatmeal." "Oh, yogurt me." "Oh, my god." "I was just dreaming about you, and now you're here." "Wow." "Kate, yogurt with two spoons, please." "See?" "Totally charming." "I'm going to work, where nobody's happy and nobody has friends." " Mwah." " Perfect." "Bye, dad." "See you in nine hours." "So, Kate, what's on tap for tonight?" "Listening to dogs bark and guessing what they're thinking?" "Actually, I was thinking it'd be the perfect opportunity for you to make some new friends." " Yep." "How?" " I don't know." "Maybe just join, like, a team or a club or something." "Yeah, I don't know, I mean... everybody in a club seems to be into the same things." "Or don't join a club and just play hacky sack in the parking lot with the burnouts." "Standing in a parking lot seems really dangerous." "You've both given me a lot to think about." " What's he doing?" " He's going to think." "Shh." "Shh." " [sighs] Mom!" " Diane:" "Hey." "Mr. Edison gave me a "C" on my art project." "My life is over!" "I mean, goodbye, Princeton." "Hello, Brown." " Oh." "Oh, he's crazy." "It's perfect." " Yeah." "House, hill." "Yes, yes." " What more does that hippie want?" " He says it's... [deep voice] "technically proficient, but lacks depth."" "What does he want?" "Like, a-a marijuana plant in the middle?" " [normal voice] Apparently." " I'm calling the school." "[speed-dialing] Mom, it's okay, really." "I did what you taught me, and I cornered him, and I talked for so long that he said" "I could redo it if I would just stop talking. [beep]" "Ha ha!" "Filibuster." "Good girl." "[sighs] Can you help me with it?" "Oh, well, of course I can." "I mean, if it were museum-level art..." " but it's high-school-level art." " Yes." "We need to start thinking like an average high-school student who never went to college." "Hmm." "Who arted?" "You did. [chuckles]" "Well, I..." "You see, Jackie has an understanding of creative expression." "Look around this place." "It looks as if it was decorated by a parrot." "Yes!" "Actually, I was going for a toucan Sam meets Arabian nights meets under $200!" "I really need your help, okay?" " I suck at art." " No!" "Hillary, you cannot suck at art." " I do." " No, you can't." " Yes." " No, it's like math." "There's no wrong answers." "And on that incorrect fact, I will leave you two to it." "Remember, Hillary ... don't eat anything she made herself." " Wouldn't dare." "Bye, Mom." " Thanks, D-bag!" "Um... oh!" "I made a snack." " Oh." " Fresh trout pudding." "Pete:" "Bert." " Bert!" " Oh!" "Hey, Dad." "How's it going?" "I thought we said no scooter till Christmas." "I thought we were talking about for you." "W-where did all this stuff come from?" "I bought it." " With what?" " My credit card." "Take a look for yourself." ""Bert Lancaster Harrison." This is your credit card." "It's platinum, so I get air miles." "You may like flying coach, but I do not." "Good god." "[tribal music plays] Okay." "Ooh!" "Oh, I'm so excited." "I'm so happy to see you." " Oh, I never see you anymore." " I know." "I'm sorry." "I have just been so busy, you know, with school and theater and musical theater." "Have you seen cat theater?" "It's terrible." " All right, take off your blazer." " Why?" "Because you can't write a poem on a computer, and you can't create art in a suit." "[exhales sharply] That is the bumper sticker that's gonna make me a millionaire." "Okay." "Hey, dude." "How was school?" "Oh, great ... we had chicken patties today at lunch, and I got two because they were accidentally frozen together." "Yeah." "So, uh, any news on the friend front?" "Ah, news." "Yes." "Uh, I took your advice, and I joined a sports team." "Whoa, really?" "In one day you tried out and got on a team?" " You must be a natural." " Not at all!" "Well, what team are you on?" "Oh." "Field hockey." "Eh?" "Ha, w-whoa." "Isn't that a girls' team?" "Oh, it was, but now it's co-ed." "Oh, you want to hear the cheer?" "We're chicks!" "We're chicks with sticks!" "If you knock us on the grass, we'll kick you in the..." " A-a-a-a-a-a...." " A-a-a-a..." " We're chicks!" " Oh." "I'm kind of the Jackie Robinson figure of the group," "Only I think she was black." "Thank you, Kate." "You made this happen." "Yes!" "[door opens]" "God." "Warren has the ball!" "He shoots!" "No, it's actually ... it's actually a pass to himself." "And he gets past Karen..." "and Samantha and Bailey." "[gasps] Warren gets it, kicks it... in for the... goal!" " Wow, great goal!" " Oh, thanks." "Man, I'm really loving this field hockey." "Uh, don't you think this might make it harder" " for you to make friends at school?" " Oh, for sure." "Coach Dawson said that it's a brave and unusual choice and that my life will never be the same." "Look out, world." "Whoa, whoa, Warren!" "Warren, you got to wear underwear, dude." "Jackie:" "I don't want you to paint the image of the house." "I want you to paint the essence of the house." "Well, how does it look?" "That's the wrong question." "How does it feel?" "It feels like a waste of time." "Well, that's because you're painting from here and not from here." "Jackie, I can't see where you're pointing." "Keep talking." "I'm gonna point on you, so I got to find you." "God, this is so stupid." "That's because you're using this, instead of ..." " This is a lampshade." " This is awful." " Maybe I do belong at Brown." " That's the dream, sister." "Isn't that right, lampshade?" "Who sends an 8-year-old a credit card?" "It just came in the mail." "It said, "congratulations, Bert."" "So, I was like, "thanks, letter."" "It's great." "You can use it to get whatever you want." "Well, all of this is going back." "We're gonna cut up the credit card." "You can't just use a credit card to buy anything you want, Bert." "Things cost money." "That's why dad goes to work every day." "But you hate your job." "You should just get a credit card instead." "Okay, no more credit cards for you." "Time to teach you some fiscal responsibility." "I will pay you for every chore you do." "How's that for a plan, Stan?" " What's the pay, Ray?" " Depends on the chore." "Why don't you start by wacuuming the living room ..." "How's that sound?" "[imitates vacuum whirring]" " Now you do the microwave sound." " Oh, my god." "Oh!" "Great block!" "Hey!" "Great block!" "Whoo!" "Nice!" "Nice!" " Ooh!" "Nice pass!" "Nice pass!" " Excuse me." "I'm looking for coach Dawson." "You got him." "Jack Dawson." "Nice to meet you." "Jack Dawson, like "Titanic"?" "Oh, my god." "One of my favorite movies." "I mean, Leonardo Dicaprio." "[chuckles] Had a poster of him on my wall in my bedroom ... 2,000 people died in that horrific tragedy." " How can I help you?" " Uh..." "I'm..." " Warren's stepmom." " Uh-huh." "Well, I'm here 'cause I'm concerned... about Warren participating on the team." "You know?" "[chuckles]" "No, I don't know." "Why don't you tell me why." "Warren is a sweet kid, and a lot of high-school kids are the worst, you know, so I'm worried that he's gonna get eaten alive for being on an all-girls team." "Well, it's gonna be pretty hard for him to get eaten alive when he's putting his field-hockey stick down their throats and out their rear ends." " Whoa!" " I'm sorry." "I get a little... carried away and a little protective of my players, but, uh... my ladies can take care of themselves, right, ladies?" "!" "[girls cheering] And Warren will, too." "Yeah." "That's sweet." "I'm just more concerned" " about it being social suicide, you know?" " Mm-hmm." "I mean, even you said it's a brave and unusual choice." "Ho-ho!" "That's right." "The same brave and unusual choice I made 16 years ago." " Field hockey changed my life." " So there's no way" " you're gonna cut Warren from the team." " No." " Is he good, at least?" " No, he's terrible." "I mean, these girls start at age 9." "But there's a no-cut policy." "And, uh, quite frankly, he's great for morale." "That's my teammate!" "You guys see her?" "!" "Use her as an example!" "Nice goal!" " Can I come in?" " It's your house." "[sniffles]" "Hey." "Okay, here." "Have some creativi-tea." "You're pretty blocked up, and this is actually the tea I drink when I'm constipated." "I just..." "don't think I have it in me." "[sighs] Honey." "[sighs] Does this look like the work of a girl that doesn't have it in her?" "Or this?" "Look at that." "Or this?" "[sighs]" "Oh, I love this." "It's supposed to be your dad." "But it looks like a cow." "This one you made entirely out of loose beans" " you found in the bottom of my purse." " I remember." "This is ... aah!" "That's my..." "tax return." "Dang it." "Bert was supposed to mail that." " I can't believe you kept all these." " Hillary." "These were made by a very creative little girl." "You see, you don't have to try and turn yourself into an artist because, sweet pea, you already art one." " Already art one." " That was pretty punny." "Ah!" "[chuckles] [chuckles] [sighs]" "You know, I think I'm ready to go back out there." "Yeah?" "!" "Good!" "G-go pick out a smock out of that smock closet." "Go, go." "[vacuum whirring]" "Pete:" "Bert?" "[whirring stops] Oh, hey, dad." " What's going on?" " Not much." "How was work?" "Now, Bert, uh... w-what's going on with these guys?" "Scott, Scott's friend." "They're doing my chores." " Uh, Bert, you can't do that." " Why not?" "I'm paying them." "I was gonna pay Bert to do this, so I'm just ..." "I'm gonna give you each $5." "Uh, why don't you go home?" "T-tell your parents you found it on the street." "[laughs] It's hilarious." " [clears throat] Hey." " I didn't want other kids to do the chores." "I wanted you to do the chores." "Well, I started them, but I didn't like it, so I hired them." "I paid them each a dollar." "I keep $3." "Everybody wins." "Well, no, you lose because now you're not getting anything." "What?" "Why?" "The living room's clean." " Because other people cleaned it." " So?" "You pay Luisa to clean it." "[sighs]" "Go to your room." "[sighs]" "Oh, by the way, Luisa broke that garbage disposal." "Did you know?" "No, you didn't." "[footsteps depart]" "Good god." "[dance music plays]" " Aah!" "That's right!" " Jackie:" "It's a canvas, not your grandma!" " Get in there!" " Yes!" "You know what we need is more yellow. [gasps]" "Yeah!" "Yellow." "Whoa!" " Oh, my god." " Oh, my god." "The couch looks so much better!" "You're a genius, man!" "Come on!" " More arting!" "Let's do this." " Yeah!" "New track, new track." "I got to warn you ..." "this next one is just a recording of a lot of people screaming." "[people screaming]" "So, how was practice today?" "[clears throat]" "You know, I think I finally found something that I can do for the rest of my life." "Oh." "Well... th..." "that's great." "Great." "You know, it's good to have a passion and ... and now that ... now that you've mastered field hockey, maybe you want to look into a bunch of other passions to see which one is your most passion-y." "You know, like [inhales sharply] maybe drama tech." "I don't like actors." "They're always singing." " Magic club?" " "Magician" is just another word for liar." "Computer club." "When I'm on my computer, I prefer to be alone." " You know what I mean?" " Yeah, I think I do." " How about, uh ..." " Kate, what's the big deal?" "You told me to pick a team, and I did." "Yeah, I just... you know, I just feel like your choice is gonna make it even harder for you to make friends." "Why are you so obsessed with me making friends?" "Because... you're not supposed to only hang out with your parents when you're in high school, Warren." " Oh, so, you think I'm a loser?" " No, I don't think you're a loser, but I don't want everyone else to think that. [sighs]" "I can't be in this car with you for another second." "[groans] Stupid." "[sighs]" "Undo the child lock please, Kate." "It's just regular lock, Warren." "[sighs]" "[up-tempo music plays]" "Yo, it's 7:30 in the morning." "Don't you think it's a little early to be doing laundry?" "Uh, I've been sexting with a japanese businessman, so my internal clock is all off." "Hey, do you guys have any stamps?" "Yoshi says he'll pay top Yen for my socks." " Oh, good morning, Warren." " Kate, I'm giving you the silent treatment, so no talking." " That's not how it works." " I said silence." "But you I can't not talk to." "Oh, and, Kate, I think you'll be happy to know that I'm quitting the team so I'm not such a loser anymore." "Have a bad day!" "[door slams]" "Whoa, little dude's really pissed." "I just didn't want him to become an Arnie Plopper, you know?" "Then you should tell him about the Plopster." " Scare him straight." " Yeah." "Yeah, maybe I will." " God, I wonder what ever happened to that dude." " Let's look him up!" "Oh, yeah, I also want to show you this video of this lizard who's high on mushrooms." "Whoa!" "Check this out." ""Toronto venture capitalist Arnold Plopper breaks ground on Plopper plaza with his wife, swimsuit model Playa Plimpkin-Plopper."" "He's a millionaire." "Meg, do you know what this means?" "Yeah, I should have banged him when I had the chance." "God knows I banged way worse." "Warren's not an Arnie Plopper." "Arnie's not even an Arnie Plopper." "He turned out just fine." "I'm the Arnie Plopper in this." " You do not smell like farts." " What am I gonna do?" "I don't know what you're gonna do, but I'm gonna get back in touch with Arnie Plopster soon as I mail my socks to Japan." "Do you think these or, like, dirty ones?" "Dirty ones." "I just got off the phone with Josh's dad." "He told me you sold Josh a soda." " Yeah." " His parents don't allow sodas." "Right." "That's why he came to me." "Bert, you can't just take [chuckles] our sodas and sell them to your classmates." "Oh." "I didn't know." "I'm sorry." "Do you know what you did wrong?" " Yes." " What did you do wrong?" "I don't know." " Go to your room." " I'm in my room." "How many sodas did you sell?" "Three six packs." "Okay." "You know what?" "Get your tush on this scooter." "Go back to each of the friends you cheated." " Give them their money back." " Okay." "[sighs]" "[Asian accent] No, I..." "No." "Miss Jackie no here." "Okay." "No, I don't know where she go." "She die." "Goodbye." "[normal voice] Sorry." "That was my Mom." "I got a "B."" "Of course." "A "B"!" "Oh, oh, that's wonderful." " That's like..." " I know." "the best grade you can get." "Uh, close." "That would be an "A."" " "A." - "A."" " 'Ey, 'ey." " No. "A."" " 'Ey, 'ey, 'ey." " Okay, so, uh... what are you doing?" "Uh... nothing." " [clears throat] Come in." " Okay." "Don't mind the smell." "I'm just deseeding some oregano." " Hey, dad." " Hey." "You were right." "It felt good to give everybody their money back." "Oh, good." "Good." "I'm glad you learned your lesson." "But you know what ..." "I'm gonna make you pay the $7 return shipping fee." " $7, you said?" " Yeah, 7... $7." "There you go." "Where ... where did you get all this money?" " Hey, hey, hey, hey!" " Give it." "Where did you get this?" "Oh, kids were so happy to get their money back, they didn't mind paying $2 for a scooter ride." "Okay, Bert, uh, I'm concerned that you're developing some unethical business habits, okay?" "J-just because there's money involved doesn't mean you throw away all your morals just to get it." " I'm sorry, Dad." " You know what?" "Come here." "Give your dad a hug." " Give me a dollar first." " Go to your room." "This seat taken?" "Mm." "Ah, the silent treatment." "Finally figured it out, huh?" "I was doing it all wrong." "Warren, I want to apologize." "Listen, you're a good kid, and..." "You're a good kid, and ..." "and ... and you should..." " Hi, can I help you?" " Who are you?" " I'm Warren's stepmom." " The one who made you quit?" "She is not as hot as you said she was." "Okay, that's weird." " Um, do you mind just giving us a second?" " No, no, Kate." "Anything you want to say to me, you can say in front of my friends." "Okay. [clears throat]" "Listen, dude, I was just putting my high-school experience onto yours because I was always so worried about being cool." "And, in reality, you're way cooler than I ever was because you're super confident in just being you." "So, don't quit the team, Warren, okay?" "'Cause if playing girls' field hockey makes you happy, then that is exactly what you should do, and I will totally support it." "Look, I even brought your equipment." "So, are we cool?" "♪ What doesn't kill you makes you stronger ♪" "♪ stand a little taller ♪" "♪ doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone ♪" "♪ what doesn't kill you makes a fighter ♪" "♪ footsteps even lighter ♪" "♪ doesn't mean I'm over 'cause you're gone ♪" "♪ you think you got the best of me ♪" "♪ think you've had the last laugh ♪" "♪ bet you think that everything good is gone ♪" "♪ think you left me broken-down ♪" "♪ think that I'll come running back ♪" "♪ baby, you don't know me, 'cause you're dead wrong ♪ [music stops] [cheers and applause]" "♪ stronger, stronger ♪" "♪ just me, myself, and I ♪" "♪ what doesn't kill you makes you stronger ♪" "♪ stand a little taller ♪" "♪ doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone ♪" "♪ I'm not alone ♪" "Looking great!" "Sweet posture!" "[indistinct shouting] Oh, oh, oh." "Ryan Reynolds." "Okay, Ryan Gosling." "Ryan, okay." "Uh, uh, Ryan ..." "Ryan Phillippe!" " Ryan Lochte." " Oh, okay." " No, he is such a meathead." " No, he's not." "He's hot." "[all squeal] [laughter]" "Tell me ... what other teenage guy has 15 girls sleeping at his house right now?" "Warren:" "Whoa, girls." "Think he's having a good time?" "[girls giggling] Guys, come on." "Don't fight." "Stop." "Judging by how long he's had that pizza box on his lap," "I'd say he's having a great time." "Wow, this is ... this is great."