"Are you swallowing them whole?" "You're eating them so fast, are they even touching your tongue?" "Yes." "Why aren't you having any, Angela?" "Oh, I ate so many already when no one was looking." "(LAUGHING) Yeah, right." "My baby's dieting." "She wants to fit into a special child-size wedding gown for our big day." "Why do those exist?" "It's from my pageant days." "I was Miss Tiny Mid-Atlantic Bride when I was 10." "Probably heard of it." "Brownies, is it?" "Pastry cubes made of sugar and fat?" "No, thank you." "I'll stick with my jerky." "So why'd you come in here?" "To socialize." "And inform." "Brownies!" "I'm taking two, so I can parcel them up and eat them at my leisure later on." "Much healthier." "You taking two?" "Yeah, but one of them is for Toby." "Yeah." "Why don't you send that to him in Costa Rica?" "I'm just gonna hand it to him right now." "Okay, weirdo." "Why's that?" "Why's that weird?" "She said she was going to give it to him right now." "She's probably going to because they sit next to each other." "Yeah, they used to." "Toby works here again." "Oh, can you imagine?" "Oh, no." "You don't know." "I don't know." "What?" "You should probably just meander back there, take a look, see if he's back." "Dare I?" "(LAUGHS)" "You know what?" "I'm going to, for old time's sake." "Great practical joke, Jim." "Got me to go to the annex." "Hi, Michael." "(SCREAMING) No!" "God!" "No, God, please, no!" "No!" "No!" "No!" "I blame the two of you." "This is your fault." "Michael, Dwight and I were talking about this, and we both don't understand how you didn't realize Toby was back." "I'm concerned you may have brain damage." "You cannot expect me to keep track of all of my personnel." "There are a lot of people here and a lot of different shapes and sizes." "And there is nothing that is even vaguely interesting about the way that he looks." "So, I'm off the hook." "Maybe you cleaned your ears too vigorously with Q-tips." "I know where this is going." "You hurt the temporal lobe..." "I'm not going to stop putting Q-tips in my ears." "I don't care how much it hurts!" "Maybe I just block Toby from my mind." "Oh, interesting." "Continue." "Like someone who's molested." "Doesrt remember it for years." "Toxic Shock Syndrome." "Maybe it's Stockholm Syndrome." "Maybe it's China syndrome." "Could be any one of them." "It's a messed up world." "It is a messed up world." "But it's our messed up world." "Oh, come on!" "Do you see this?" "Disgusting." "MICHAEL:" "Look at him." "With his stupid face." "Stupid tan." "Yeah." "He looks great." "Well-rested." "No." "He looks worse." "(PHONE RINGING)" "Yeah." "WOMAN:" "David Wallace is on the line for you." "Thank God." "David, hello." "We need your help." "DAVID:" "Michael, is everyone okay?" "Oh, well, I'm afraid not." "Toby Flenderson of HR has made a sudden reappearance." "I don't understand." "Is anyone hurt?" "Not on the surface, no." "But I can tell people are disturbed, David." "Michael, you texted me, "911, call me."" "Yes." "All in caps." "Do you know what "911" means?" "I learned a while back that if I don't text "911,"" "people will not return my calls." "But now people always return my calls, because they think that something horrible has happened." "DAVID:" "Toby was hired back because he knows the branch, he was available, and I like him." "Okay?" "And that's that." "With all due respect, David, this hardly seems like a dialog." "That's because it isn't, Michael." "Now, what I'm curious about is how you were able to go an entire week without knowing a member of your staff was there." "I did not want to go back to the annex because that is where Holly worked, whom I loved." "Also, it's icky back there." "That's true." "People say it's icky." "Okay." "I have to go." "David, wait." "No." "Is there no way we can get rid of him?" "Not without cause, Michael." "I have cause." "It is because I hate him." "You have to get along with Toby." "No." "Yep." "I don't." "Goodbye, Michael." "Don't do that." "So, Tunes, you still going to buy your old mars place?" "Yeah, I am." "Wait." "How do you know that?" "I didn't tell you that." "No, I was just walking by your desk." "I saw some e-mails." "I got peepers of an eagle." "That's really not cool." "So, Jim, you're going to live in the same house that you used to pee the bed in?" "Yeah." "I guess, technically, Kev, you're right." "Today's a big day." "Today's the day that I show Pam the house that I bought for us." "Without telling her." "But it's my parents' house, the house I grew up in." "And, yeah, I bought it kind of impulsively." "I mean, the price was good, and I was helping out my mom." "It's got shag carpets." "I mean, you can't blame my parents." "It was the '70s." "And why would you want to buy ugly wood from trees when you can have paneling and a painting of some creepy clowns that is apparently crucial to the structural integrity of the building?" "She's gonna love it." "Right?" "Could you guys all do me a favor and just not talk about this until I tell Pam?" "That'd be great." "You haven't told the missus about the castle?" "You're in for a spanking, my friend." "Myself and my lady, no secrets." "PHYLLIS:" "Jim, don't listen to Andy." "I think it's so romantic." "JIM:" "Oh, thanks, Phyllis." "Bob bought our house without consulting me and I loved it." "Yeah?" "You didn't mind not choosing?" "Oh, no." "Not at all." "But Bob's so extravagant, I knew it would be spectacular." "There's a maze in the back like The Shining." "Where's your place?" "It's on Linden Ave., by the quarry." "Cool beans, man." "I live by the quarry." "We should hang out by the quarry and throw things down there." "Definitely, we should." "OSCAR: "To whoever made the microwave mess." ""The microwave is a shared kitchen appliance." ""By not cleaning it up, you are basically telling whoever follows" ""that their time is less valuable," ""as they will have to scrub out your disgusting splatter." ""Sincerely, Disappointed."" "That is just obnoxious." "OSCAR:" "No kidding." "Yeah." "Wait, what?" "The mess or the note?" "The note." "So "holier than thou."" "I liked it." "Don't you think the person who left the mess is the obnoxious one?" "No." "The note is way more obnoxious than the mess." ""Sincerely, Disappointed." Get off your high horse, richie." "Just because someone likes things clean doesn't mean they're rich." "Nah." "They're rich." "Yeah, I wrote the note." "Not ashamed of it." "I'm not proud of it." "It is what it is." "Everyone keeps asking me if I wrote the note on the microwave." "It was rude and condescending and a little snotty." "I wish I had written it." "(READING)" "The nerve!" "You want to see some real high-caliber acting?" "Well, Mr. Kurt Russell, you are about to be served." "Hey, Toby." "Great to have you back, man." "Seriously." "Just..." "Just a real pleasure to see you again." "Thanks, Michael." "You're welcome." "Missed you." "Missed you as part of our family." "Well, that's sweet." "I missed you guys, too." "So Costa Rica, that was..." "Did you have fun?" "That must have been fun." "Well, it was amazing, really was." "Thanks for asking." "Beaches were pristine." "Nice beaches, pristine beaches?" "Yeah." "The whole thing was incredibly cathartic." "Why'd you come back?" "Why didn't you stay?" "Well, it's actually kind of hard to meet people, I found." "I bet." "For you." "And, yeah..." "Plus, it was hot." "Hot." "Why didn't you get an air..." "Should've gotten an air conditioner for yourself." "Are you all right, Michael?" "Yeah, I am." "I am." "I tried." "I tried." "I tried to talk to Toby and be his friend, but that is like trying to be friends with an evil snail." "I feel like I'm dying inside." "I feel like Neve Campbell in Scream 2." "She thinks she can go off to college and be happy." "And then, the murderer comes back and starts killing off all of her friends." "Learned a lot of lessons from that movie." "This is just one of them." "Okay, just summarize." "Okay, fireable offenses include workplace violence and sexual harassment." "That's it." "That's it, perfect." "We will get him to hit on somebody, and then we'll catch him in the act." "I love catching people in the act." "That's why I always whip open doors." "Me, too." "Okay, let's get this started." "Okay." "What are you doing?" "I am the bait." "For what?" "Men find me desirable." "No, no, no." "It's a good day, too." "I'm wearing my mustard shirt." "You're the bait for Toby?" "No." "For one thing, he's not gay." "And if somebody were to be bait, it would be Jim or Ryan or me." "Men find me desirable." "Yes." "Sure they do, Dwight." "When it comes down to it, it's a health issue." "I should've written that." "Yeah." "Why aren't you as mad or interested in this as me?" "Oh, totally." "Sorry, are we talking about the microwave still?" "Are you inching away from me?" "No." "Reach your arms out." "I'm always this close." "(SINGING) Pamtown ladies sing this song doo-dah doo-dah" "Hello, Pam." "Jim, may I have a moment with Pam, please?" "(CELL PHONE RINGS)" "Yes." "I just have to take this call anyway, so..." "His mistress!" "No, I'm kidding." "No one would ever cheat on you." "You are the complete package, Pam." "What do you need, Michael?" "Okay, what I would like you to do is take this folded note and deliver it to Toby Flenderson." "I want you to just react to whatever this note elicits." "Do not read it beforehand." "Can you do that for me?" "Sure." "Good." "No, no, no, no, don't..." ""Please hug and kiss me, no matter how hard I struggle." ""I am too shy to tell you that I love you."" "Damn it, Pam." "You gave me your word." "You have a good day?" "Hey." "Hey, guys, that's really inappropriate." "What's up?" "I got some photos from Costa Rica if you want to see them." "Yeah, yeah, I'll see them." "Cool." "Toby, can I see those?" "What's the matter?" "What's the matter?" "You scared?" "Okay, those are fighting words." "You mad?" "You mad at me?" "I hope he doesn't haul off and just hit you." "Do you want to do that?" "Do you want to hit me?" "You want to punch me?" "MICHAEL:" "He might do it." "I dare you to." "Punch him, Toby." "Come on." "Come on..." "What's the matter?" "Hit him." "Hit him, chicken!" "Yeah, punch him." "Hey, hey." "Come on, Ryan." "Whose side are you on?" "DWIGHT:" "Ryan, come on, man." "No, do it." "Do it." "I dare you." "Punch him as hard as you possibly can in the face." "I dare you, Flenderson." "Not..." "Not as hard as you can." "Just a good, solid punch." "Come on, come on." "I'm not going to punch you, Michael." "Are you really not going to punch him?" "No, why would I punch you?" "Son of a bitch." "Should have hit him, man." "The guy was asking for it." "Once in a lifetime, man." ""Hey, whoever was bashing the first note, grow up." ""The microwave is filthy and no one here is a maid."" "See?" "Someone around here is sane." ""You are all a bunch of idiots and privileged ass-wipes who werert raised right." ""If I find you, I'm gonna knock your teeth out."" "Yikes." "That's a little over the top." "Their heart's in the right place." "I thought you were going to parcel those out through the day." "Would you stop it?" "You haven't done anything helpful all day." "There's still one thing we can do to get Toby fired." "What's that?" "Frame him for using drugs." "Frame him?" "Yeah." "It's illegal, but everything they do on The Shield is illegal." "I've never framed a man before." "Have you?" "No, I've framed animals before." "I framed a raccoon for opening a Christmas present." "And I framed a bear for eating out of the garbage." "It just seems awfully mean." "But sometimes, the ends justify the mean." "Punch you, Michael." "Hello." "I've seen you guys around." "I'm Michael Scott, Dunder Mifflin." "How you doing?" "So I guess you know why I'm here." "I need to purchase something." "Like a fridge?" "No." "I wanted..." "I wanted to buy some weed from someone." "What?" "Grass, weed." "What makes you think we'd have weed?" "I heard you were drug..." "I heard you dealt." "Hey, just hold on one second." "I'm not wearing a wire, so..." "Why would you even say that?" "Hey, it's going to be $500." "How much?" "$500." "It's a good price." "It's a steal." "How many pounds is that?" "LEO:" "It's two pounds." "I'm losing money on this, man, just give me the money." "Okay." "All right." "Walk away, walk away, walk away." "Hey, Pam?" "I just wanted to let you know," "I'm totally on your side with the whole microwave situation." "Thank you." "I was just back there to make some Cup-a-Soup, the thing is still a huge mess." "I know." "Can you believe it?" "Yeah, it's crazy." "But I guess the thing is, at some point, notes or no notes, someone's going to have to just get in there and clean it up." "I guess that's why we have a temp, huh?" "Oh, no, trust me, I would just make it worse." "How would wiping it with a paper towel make it worse?" "I would find a way." "You've seen things clean before though, right?" "I..." "Pam, I am hopeless at that stuff." "Hi, Michael." "Hey, hey, hey, hey." "I forgot..." "I forgot..." "DWIGHT: (WHISPERING) Yes." "I repeat, a drug dealer is on the premises of Dunder Mifflin." "His name is Toby Flenderson." "And he recently returned from a mysterious vacation in Central America." "I have risked a great deal to tell you this information." "My name is Andy Bernard." "Andrew Bernard, that's my name." "See you soon." "Pervert!" "Angela, I didn't do that." "So is this what they taught you at your fancy art school?" "Why would I draw a penis on my own note?" "Why do you wear bright colors?" "For attention, Pam." "Everyone, I have an announcement to make." "I'm the person who put the first note on the microwave." "But I did it because it needed to be said." "Why did you hide behind anonymity?" "Because I was scared." "But if that's my only crime, is it a worse crime than leaving a filthy microwave?" "Amen." "Don't." "This is for real." "Just clean it up yourself if it bothers you so much." "It's not my mess." "It would've taken less time to clean it up than to write all those notes." "That's not the point." "Listen, New York, that might fly..." "Why?" "Because I went to New York for three months?" "That and the black sweater, Manattan." "Okay, yes." "I went to New York, everybody." "I'm not gonna apologize for it." "I experienced more there in one week than I experience here in three months." "I love New York." "You know, I especially love that people there cleaned up after themselves." "Well, I work too hard all day to be maid here, too." "I got a mess to clean up at home, plus I'm a part-time maid." "And what about the penises?" "I thought those were funny." "I didn't do them, Phyllis." "OSCAR:" "It's the anonymity that I find so cowardly, Pam." "Really?" "Can you just get over that part?" "Why should I?" "You couldn't get over the messy microwave." "What?" "I can't do this." "Can't do what?" "It's not fair to you and it's really not fair to me." "Wait, what are you saying?" "I broke up with Darryl so I could be with you." "That was your choice." "Don't put that on me." "I'm just going on a little trip." "Can I come?" "It's not that kind of trip." "I'm going to Thailand with some friends from high school." "Well, a high school." "And if I don't do it now, I'll never get to go." "And I'll always resent you for it." "You don't want me to resent you, do you?" "So you're dumping me?" "Let's be adults about this." "Let's have sex one more time, and if you have any extra cash, that would be amazing." "Okay." "Hi." "We received a call." "I don't know anything about that." "We were tipped off about a possible narcotics situation." "Here?" "Hey, Pam, hey, I got this, okay?" "Hello, officers." "Dwight Schrute, former volunteer sheriff's deputy." "Listen, I may have inside information that someone is hiding drugs in this very office." "Just pretend like we're talking until the cops leave." "Those are real cops." "Real guns." "Wonder what's going on." "Officers, I reveal to you the perpetrator." "Hey, what is this?" "Search his things." "Sir, could you step away from your desk, please?" "Why?" "Sir, please step away from your desk." "Hey, what's going on?" "You don't have my permission to do this." "They don't need your permission, Flenderson." "They've got the company's permission." "Hey, hey, what are you..." "Why are you doing this?" "You know what?" "I think this..." "This is probably a misunderstanding." "Don't search my stuff." "POLICEMAN:" "Sir." "I have a reasonable right to privacy." "Save your whining for the jury there, Flenderson." "Yeah, let's just cancel this, okay?" "TOBY:" "Michael?" "Sir, did you recently return from a trip to Central America?" "Oh, my God." "I went to Costa Rica for a few months." "MICHAEL:" "No, no, no." "That was legitimate." "What is going on?" "MICHAEL:" "That was totally legitimate." "Hey, check this out." "MICHAEL:" "Oh, God!" "That is not mine." "Turn around please." "I have never seen this before." "No, no, no, no, God!" "What is going on here?" "No, that's..." "I don't know what that is." "Do you have any weapons?" "Of course not!" "I bet he has nothing to do with that." "That's mine." "No, Michael, no!" "Yes, it's mine." "Some basil." "And salad dressing, I think." "Salad dressing?" "Yeah, it's a Caprese salad." "There's a little bit of mozzarella right there." "Are you kidding me?" "That's my salad." "So wait a minute." "There's no drugs?" "POLICEMAN:" "No." "Oh, damn it." "Come on!" "We got a fake tip." "Wait, officers, are you sure you don't want to interrogate him?" "POLICEMAN:" "No." "You have laws that protect you in any kind of interrogation." "Why don't you use them?" "You must feel pretty good about yourself right now." "I didn't put Caprese salad in my drawer, Michael." "Did you?" "Since when is it illegal to put Caprese salad anywhere?" "You know, the police could have been out there, catching real criminals, instead of here, searching my stuff." "Are you kidding me?" "Are you kidding me?" "That's what you're worried about?" "You're worried about the cops' time." "You think I framed you and you're worried about the taxpayer?" "God!" "Welcome back, jerky jerk-face." "You said you were leaving, and you made liars out of all of us." "I did leave." "Yes, you did." "And then you came back." "Which makes you the biggest liar of history." "I don't see it that way." "Do you want to hear a lie?" "What?" "I think you're great." "You're my best friend." "Hey, do you mind if we make a stop on the way home?" "Sure." "Cool." "What are we doing at your parents' house?" "I have a surprise for you." "All right." "Ready?" "Close your eyes." "And now, open your eyes." "Ta-da!" "I don't get it." "I bought it." "It's ours." "Let's go inside." "I'll show you inside." "So if you can believe it, I did it without a realtor." "Saving on closing costs is good." "And we can put all the money to de-shag the carpet." "Which I think will help the color situation." "Yeah, I am really sorry about this." "I tried to move it, but he is really nailed in there." "Worried about art theft, I guess." "A lot of art thieves in this neighborhood." "This is the master bedroom, but I'm actually not allowed in here." "So, I'm still in the process of converting the garage." "It's got great light in here." "And I was thinking it could be perfect for an art studio." "Look, I know." "I bought this without asking you." "And it doesn't look great." "I know that." "And if you really hate it, I totally understand." "It's just..." "I love it." "You do?" "Yeah, I love it." "Really?" "I mean, you bought me a house." "Oh, my God." "You bought me a house!" "Yeah, I did." "Do we have to sleep in your parents' bedroom?" "No." "No, we'll just board that up." "It'll be that weird spare room that people ask us about." "And the clown?" "Yeah, I really can't move him." "What is my perfect crime?" "I break into Tiffany's at midnight." "Do I go for the vault?" "No, I go for the chandelier." "It's priceless." "As I'm taking it down, a woman catches me." "She tells me to stop." "It's her father's business." "She's Tiffany." "I say no." "We make love all night." "In the morning, the cops come and I escape in one of their uniforms." "I tell her to meet me in Mexico, but I go to Canada." "I don't trust her." "Besides, I like the cold." "30 years later, I get a postcard." "I have a son and he's the chief of police." "This is where the story gets interesting." "I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris by the Trocadero." "She's been waiting for me all these years." "She's never taken another lover." "I don't care." "I don't show up." "I go to Berlin." "That's where I stashed the chandelier."