"These wedding announcements have become so confusing since they started letting same-sex couples in." "Like, look at that." "Is that two gay men or two lesbians?" "I think it's just an unattractive straight couple." "Well, it's just wrong." "I firmly believe marriage should be a contract between two cute people." "Good luck gettin' that through." "Hey!" "How was your date last night?" "Aww, bobsled brownie." "No second date." "Yes, second scoop." "What?" "It was fine." "Will." "You're eating a bobsled brownie." "Clearly your date ran from you." "And now you're drowning your sorrows in well-priced ice cream." "Will, how many times do I have to tell you that a bobsled brownie is not gonna fill the hole where a boyfriend should be?" "Oh, wait." "It was a nightmare." "He met someone else... during the movie!" "Well, I'm glad you're a mess." "I need to ask you a favor." "Remember Leo?" "You mean the man you tricked into marrying you?" "And then he fled the country?" "Yeah, my husband." "Well, he's got this cabin up in Vermont, and the stupid pipes froze." "One of his neighbors called." "And it's like they expect me to go up there and take care of it." "Why would I do that?" "Sometimes married people do things for each other, even when they don't want to." "Why am I hearing about this for the first time now?" "Will you come with me?" "I'm afraid I'm going to have to pass." "Why?" "What have you got going on, Bobsled Brownie?" "I have to meet with a new client." "The only reason the firm assigned him to me is 'cause he's gay." "Like I'm the only one who can speak his language." "How insulting." " So he wasn't that cute?" " Not to me." "And I was hoping." "Jack, will you come up with me?" "Oh, I'm sorry, Grace." "I can't." "I'm gonna go see The Boy From Oz." "Yeah, I can't wait to see Hugh Jackman... and his huge ackman." "Pun:" "Copyright, Jack McFarland." "Great." "So what am I supposed to do?" "Go up there by myself like an animal?" "You could always drug someone and take them up there with you." "Hey, why don't you take Karen?" "That--that way you just have to... take her up there with you." "Will, hi." "Your 11:00 a.m. is here." "And I'm here too if you need me." "Not just work." "Anything, I'm flexible and limber." "Good to know." "Even on a weekend or Christmas." "Do you have plans next Christmas?" " Of course you do." "Look at you." " All right, come on." "Mr. LaMarak, hi." " Hi." " Nice to see you again." "I know you're a busy man, so" " Will, have you seen The Lord of the Rings?" " Uh, yeah." "I'm talking, like, all three pictures." "I don't want to screw around with some guy who just showed up for the last one." "No, I was there the first day they came out." "Then again, I'll go to see any movie where boys named Merry and Pippin risk their lives for a good piece of jewelry." "Thank God." "The last firm I was with, they hadn't seen any of them." "I mean, I had nothing to talk to them about." "I had to leave." "Is that weird?" "Not at all." "No, I once changed dry-cleaners because they put a plant in front of the autographed picture of Patrick Swayze." "Well, I've had this opportunity to go through your history." "It's really quite inspiring." "The guy who invented stuff in his garage to the CEO of Stuff I Invented in my Garage Industries." "And through it all, you never sold out." "So what is it you want to do now?" " Sell out." " Pardon?" "Yeah, I want to sell it." "I want to sell it all." "Don't want to invent stuff no mo'." "Just wanna sit back and count my monies." "My precious." "See, you got that 'cause you saw it." "Please, saw it?" "When Théoden's daughter, Éowyn, took off her helmet, I screamed like an Uruk-hai." "Look, I like the movie, but I'm not a freak, okay?" " Will, clear your desk, 'cause I got a case for you." "It's gonna be the trial of the century." "Hi." " Hi." "I went to go see the matinee of The Boy from Oz." "And halfway through the second act, I saw a Hugh Jackman do this..." "That's my move." "We're gonna sue!" "It's Jack v. Jackman." "I like it." "Good title." "I'm gonna wear a veil and be my own surprise witness." "Well, you certainly have a lot of veils." " Here's our strategy." "You leave right now, and I'll slam the door." " Slam it all the way to the bank!" "Sorry about that." "He's a little hard to control." "He's product of a broken disco." "Who is he?" "Oh, he's my, um..." "What's the best way to describe Jack?" "Foxy, vivacious, heaven in blue jeans, and please don't leave out single?" " You're kidding." " No, I want you to set us up." "I want him to be the lord of my ring." "Whew." "Something about this fresh air." "It's so relaxing." "I think I may have nodded off for a few minutes on the drive up." "Nodded off?" "You took a fistful of downers with a bottle of Pino Grigio, and you're out cold for three hours." "I had to stop every 30 miles to pull your tongue out of the back of your throat." "Yeah, well, I used to read in the car, but it made me nauseous." "I don't know about Vermont." "It makes me a bit uncomfortable in a state where you drive by 20 churches and not one temple." "Okay, grab the key." "Leo said it would be under the mat." "Why me?" "'Cause you're closer to the floor, Shorty." "Oh, here it is." "Okay, all right, let's get inside." "This place gives me the creeps." "It's like something out of a horror movie." "Promise me, whatever we do, we're not gonna lose our virginity or go skinny-dipping at midnight." "I can't make that promise." "Honey, look." "What an adorable little cabin." "You know, my ex-boyfriend used to have a place like this." "Huh, I wonder whatever happened to Teddy Kaczynski." "We lost touch." "Which is funny 'cause he was such a good letter writer." "Oh, look at this place." "It's so Leo." "Look, canoe paddles." "The mounted fish." "A picture of me." "Oh, God I'm pretty." "Oh, look." "Commemorative inaugural plates." "Eww, who would want to eat off of Nancy Reagan?" "I think a lot of people." "She's a very clean lady." "Now, that Lady Bird Johnson." "Ho, stranger to the bathtub." " God, it's freezing in here." " I know." "I can see my breath." "So can I, and it says Smirnoff on it." "All right, the plumber can't be here till the morning, so what do you wanna do about dinner?" "Well, you may not know this about me, but I do have a bit of a flair for the outdoors." "If you'd like, I could rustle us up some grub." "Karen, you know I'm against hunting." "Oh, Honey, me too." "But I saw a rib joint a few miles back, and there's only one guy covering the register." "Karen, wait!" "See if they have cornbread." "Hey." "I just got your message." "You needed to see my ass and pee?" "I needed to see you A.S.A.P." "Look, um..." "I'm a little uncomfortable asking you this, but you remember the guy that was in my office today?" "He really wants to go out with you." "Hmm, your office." "Guy in your office." "Interesting." "You mean you." "No, Jack, not me." "All right, well..." "Okay, I see." "Let's just call him Will Fruman, okay?" "I think Will Fruman is darling and kind with a permanent frown and anger lines that go on for days." "But please tell Mr. Fruman I'm gonna have to decline." "I'll pass it on through his idiot friend Hack McGarland." "I'm talking about my client, Stuart." "Remember?" "You said hi." "He said hi back." "You two really seemed to get each other." "No, thanks." "I'm done with men." "2004 is all about women... who walk like men." "Men are hot." "I miss men." "I'm back on men." " So you'll go out with him." " No." "Come on, Jack." "This is a really big client." "And I need to score points with the firm." "I've been still trying to make up for mismanaging the office potluck." "Like I don't hate myself enough for having two ambrosia salads." "Come on, please do this." "Willicent Truman!" "Are you trying to pimp me?" "Like some common tramp trolling the docks?" "Well, I'm here to tell you, there ain't enough money in the world that would make me your ho." "I'll give you this old ChapStick and all the coins in my pocket." "Buy a lady a drink, sailor?" "Okay, I'll set something up for Saturday." "That way you'll have enough time to get off sugar and get on Ritalin." "Wait, Saturday." "Um, then who's gonnaover the pre-theater dier rush over at Café Jacques'?" "You mean your one tiny table in the hallway?" "I'll do it." "All right, I'll go out with him." "But I'm gonna need that ChapStick up front." "Well, I chopped a cord of firewood and tapped a couple of trees, so we've got syrup for the morning." "Brrr, cold winter." "Good thing summer fell on the weekend." "This would've disturbed me more, if I hadn't just seen you whittle a martini glass out of a pine cone." "Oh, Honey, look at you." "I never thought I'd see you in your wedding dress again." "Karen, it's Leo's nightshirt." "I found it in the hamper." "The weird thing is it fits." "I think I've gained a little weight." "Hey, I'm still 50 pounds lighter than every other woman we drove past." "Honey, you got that out of the hamper?" "Do you know what that shirt's been through?" "A man wearing a flannel nightshirt doesn't have a chance in hell of getting touched by anyone but himself." "What?" "I like it." "It even smells like him." "All woodsy and other hamper smells." "It makes me feel safe, like he's here with me." "Yeah, well, keep that thing away from me." "I don't want to itch from anything but my own medications." "Okay, I guess since there's no TV, I'll just go to bed." "Or maybe I'll take advantage of this time and curl up with a good book." "Eh, good night." "One bed, huh?" "I must say, you've orchestrated this perfectly, Grace." "This is kind of fun." "You know what I love about the woods?" "How you can just go to bed without brushing your teeth." "You like that about Manhattan too, don't you?" " Well, good night." " Good night." "This bed is awful." "God, it's so lumpy." "Yeah." "It is, Honey, but it's not the mattress." "No, there's money under here." " What?" " Yeah. 10, 20, 30." "There's at least $42,500... and one roll of quarters." " What?" "I can't believe this." " I know, right?" "Whoo." " What is Leo doing with all this money, and why is he hiding it from me?" " I don't know, Honey." "This is" " Okay, no--no reason to get all crazy." "This is Leo." "I'm sure there's a perfectly good explanation." "Of course there is." "It's Leo." "Like what?" " Well, there has to be a thousand possible reasons." " Thousands!" "Pick your favorite." "Well, I'm sure that he just" "He's--he's probably" "Okay, fine." "I can't think of any." "My husband doesn't trust me." "That's what this is about." "Nice." "Well, I'll tell you something." "This is my money as much as it is his." "And I'm gonna go out, and I'm gonna spend my half." "Yeah." "That'll teach him not to trust you." " That's right." "First thing in the morning, we're hitting the outlets." "Good night." " Good night." " Honey, no kiss?" " Oh, sorry." " Hey, how was the date?" " First things first." "How's was the dinner rush at Jacques'?" "Slow for most of the night, and then a party of unicorns came in." "So...what was the date like?" "Oh, it was great." "Good conversation." "A freewheeling exchange of ideas." "Really?" "And where were you during all of this?" "Thank you, you really helped me." " Oh, Jack." "Hi, did you get the flowers ?" " I did." "And they were beautiful." "I sent them back for the cash." "I hope that's okay." " That's more than okay." "That's adorable." " Oh, you are." " You are." " You are!" " You!" "This must be an example of the sparkling conversation you were making." "Uh, Jack, nice to see you." "But, uh, Stuart and I have a meeting." "Oh, Will, I was thinking maybe Jack could stay." "You see, he makes me feel good about a man I like to call me." "Fine, sit down." "Let's get started." " And, Jack..." " Don't worry about me." "I'll be quiet as a mouse." "Hmm, cheddar." "Heh-heh." " Okay, on the sale of your company, I've had proposals from several interested parties." " Pss-pss-psst." "Excuse me." " Yes?" " I'm sorry." "Um, could you bring me up to speed?" "What exactly are we talking about here?" "I just heard the word "sale" and "company."" "Stuart is selling his company." "Yeah, I would not have gotten that." " Sad." " What, Kitten Fish?" "You don't think I should sell?" "Well, you love that company." "You worked your whole life for that company." "As a matter a fact, I think that's where you were working when we met." "I can't believe you still remember that." "Will, can you believe this?" "Yes, I can." "Because it was yesterday." "Okay, I think the clear frontrunner is this office products company out of Dallas." "They're making a cash for stock offer." "And they'll retain you as a consultant." "All right, well, this looks good." "What?" "It's just" " I don't like Dallas." "Isn't there a company in, say" " I don't know, Knots Landing -- that would be willing to buy." "You heard him." "Dallas is out of the question." "What else you got?" "Seriously?" "I guess I'll have to cancel our proposed acquisition of Falcon Crest Vineyards." "Okay, smells like we're done here." "All right, hey, let's go to Outback Steakhouse." "Jack!" "We are trying to do business here." "Now, why don't you go down the hall to the coffee room and run around in a circle?" "Like it or not, Jack is a part of this decision-making process." "Why?" "Uh, because he's my boyfriend." "Boyfriend?" "!" "You went out on one date." "Look, you may not approve of our lifestyle." " But Jack and I are a team." "And if you've got a problem with that, then maybe we should find other representation." " Oh, please!" "He only when out with you 'cause I paid him to!" " What?" " Yes!" "I gave him ChapStick and a handful of change." "Jack." "How much change?" "74 cents." "I have to go." "Wait, I'll" " I'll go to Dallas." "I'll go to any nighttime soap you want." "Oh-ho." "I always wondered what it would be like to spend $3,000 on apple butter." "Thank you, Leo." "45 pairs of Ralph Lauren irregular jeans will teach him to hide stuff from me." "Honey, you really cleaned up that Japanese silverware store." "What are you gonna do with all those spoons?" "Eat the $15,000 worth of Ben  Jerry's we bought at the factory." "It's a good thing we don't need a freezer." "The whole state is a freezer." "So, Honey, are you feeling any better?" "Well, I don't know, Karen." "I think this may be one of those weird problems that spending money can't fix." "What you talkin' about, Willis?" "You just need to spend more." "Come on, let's go buy that historic church and turn it into a gay bar." "Come on." "Karen, no matter how much money I spend, I'm still gonna be left with the same problem." "My husband keeps secrets from me." "He has this whole other life." "It's like I don't even know the person who lives here." "What are you doing in our house?" "Honey, look, Leo's here." "And he brought a date." "No." "No, this is Leo Marcus' cabin." "Why else would he have my picture on the mantel?" "That's Rita Hayworth." " Well, a lot of people make that mistake." " Leo lives next-door." "Who are you?" "Oh." "I'm his wife." "Oh, my God, so, so that was your money under the mattress." "How do you know about that?" "That's our life savings!" "Yes, it was." "And now it's defrosting on the front lawn." " What?" " Okay." "Silver-lining time, folks." "Yes, yes, I broke into your cabin and spent all your money." "But the good news is, is my husband isn't keeping secrets from me." "Our marriage is secure." "Isn't that wonderful news ?" "John, get the gun." "Hey, hey, hey, hey." "Come on, come on." "Calm down." "Use mine." "Hey." "Hey." "Just cleaning." "Yeah." "Heard from Stuart?" "He won't take my calls." "I'm sorry, Jack." "I didn't mean to blurt that out." "I know, and I didn't mean to be a jerk in the meeting." "I get carried away when I'm included." " But you're gonna be okay, right?" "It really was just one date." " Yeah, I'll be fine." "It's no big deal." " I was just going out with him for you." " That's right." "A bobsled brownie." "Oh, my God." "You really do like him." "How much do I have to eat before the pain goes away?" "A lot." "Honey, that was fun." "What misadventures are we going to get into next?" "One thing's for sure." "Whenever we're together, wackiness ensues." "Yeah, maybe." "What's up, Honey?" "You seem a little blue." "I'm worried." "But there's nothing to worry about." "That wasn't Leo's cabin." "It wasn't his money." "It wasn't his nightshirt." "Eww, that wasn't his nightshirt." "I just hate that I went to such a crazy place." "It's just that if Leo were here, I could've talked to him about it." "And I wouldn't have spun out of control." "But he's not here." "Yeah, but I am, Honey." "And I know what it feels like to have your man be far away." "Ever since Stan died, I barely see him anymore." "And sometimes, Honey" " Can you keep a secret?" "You're sweet to me, Karen." " Thanks for coming up here with me." " Come on." "This is the least I can do." " Karen?" " Sorry, something about Vermont." "I don't know." "Congratulations." "You have just sold your company." "I'm sure you and all that money are going to be very happy together." "Yeah." "Well, you can't cuddle money, Will." "Well, you can." "It just doesn't cuddle back." "That's the spirit." "Could you sign again?" "There's a tear on the second T." "Now that you've done this, um, there's another acquisition I think you should have a look at." "It's about 30 years old." "It's not without it's problems." "It's expensive." "Very high-maintenance." "But I think it's gonna pay dividends for many years to come." "What are you talking about?" "I don't know." "Come on, Stuart." "Yes, Will made me go out with you." "Yes, I did it for all the wrong reasons." "Yes, I had no feelings whatsoever when I went into this." "Let's get past the yes section." "But during the four hours we spent together, something happened." "I fell for you, Stuart." "Stuart Little." " I think what Jack is trying to say" " Keep out of this, Miss Match!" "Anyway, I understand if you don't want to forgive me." "I-I just wanted to let you know how much I care about you." "Now..." "I'll leave you alone... forever." "Out of my way!" "Will, stop him!" "He's getting so far away!" "Jack, stop!" "Jack, no one has ever done anything that romantic for me before." "And in front of all these people." "So you'll forgive me?" "Yes." "I've always dreamed of two men holding each other tenderly in my office." "I just always hoped one of them would be me." "If you need me, I'll be at Baskin-Robbins." "Honey, is it okay if I nod off for a little while?" "Yeah, sure." "Go ahead." "Thanks, good night." " What, no kiss?" " Oh, sorry."