" "You could disappear and no one would notice." "A friend"?" "So you can sleep with me in private, but you can't talk to me in public?" " The reason that I keep bringing up our kiss is because..." " Oh, blood on the boobs." " I like like you." " And for the first time," "I got the attention I was looking for." " * walked along, I walked along *" "* I sang your song and I tried to read your mind *" " got some fresh-squeezed lemonade for you girls." " For 15 years, my mother's form of parenting was to peerent." "She was all about crossing inappropriate boundaries." "So the fact that she was acting appropriate felt..." "Suspicious." "Something was definitely up." " Oh, I forgot the cupcakes." "Both:" "Cupcakes?" " What the hell is going on with your mom?" "[Gasps] Think she has cancer?" " Maybe." "It was 95 degrees in November, and there was a funk in the air." "Maybe an earthquake was about to hit." "Unfortunately, it was another natural disaster-- my mom's bff ally." " What's up, lil' bitch?" " [Shrieks and laughs]" "Oh..." "[Both laughing and shrieking]" " I would have preferred the earthquake." "[Laughter]" " When were you going to tell me ally was coming to visit?" " Oh, I didn't tell you?" " My suspicions were correct." "My mom was buttering me up to cushion the blow." " [Makes squeaky sound] Man, did ally blow..." "Hard." " You gonna say hi or what?" " What." " Hi, ally." "What have you been doing lately?" " I don't know, a little "e," special "k."" "[Laughter]" "Basically whatever I can get my hands on." "Ooh!" "Or whatever can get its hands on me." " Hi." "[Giggles]" " Ah..." "So talk to me, ladies." "Now that buzzkill's out of town, what's the plan for this weekend in suburban hell?" " Is buzzkill your dad?" " I desperately need an ally injection." " And your kid needs a makeover." "I'd try to kill myself too if I looked like that." " Kid gloves, Al." "[Whispering] It's still a sensitive subject." " Gotcha." "Gotcha." "I am the queen of treading lightly." " This was coming from a woman who had simply referred to me as "lil' bitch" since the day I was born." " Don't worry, lil' bitch," "I know how we can fix your pity party." "We're gonna throw a kickass kegger and shake things up around here!" " Yes!" " No way!" "There is no way we are having a party." " Think about the red cup photo ops!" " You don't understand." "Ally is like a hurricane of trouble." "Every time she comes to town, I end up at child services." " You like ponies, lil' bitch?" "Cool." "We're gonna bet on some." "Want to see something cool?" "I just turned this apple into a pipe." "Oh!" "Robert and I were just on the couch playing sit  spin." " Okay, no party, but what about a simple kickback?" "10, maybe 12 peeps?" " With ally, there is no such thing as simple." "[Ringtone plays]" "Hey." " Why am I always the last to know?" " Know what?" " That you're having a party." " Where did you hear that?" " It's on your status update, and I can read." " I'll call you back." "Mom!" "Mom, are you logged in to my home page?" " Mm-hmm." " Log out." "Now!" " As your mother, it is my responsibility to monitor your Internet activity..." "And make sure she's not chatting up any barneys." "[Laughter]" " Wait, what's a Barney?" " I don't know and I don't care." "We are not having a party." " Jenna, stop being so ungrateful!" "Your aunt ally is being very generous and open with you." " The only think open about ally were her legs." "Ally is not my aunt, and while I appreciate the gesture of her gift, I don't want it." "[Ringtone playing] So I will not be attending or participating." "I don't want anything to do with this party." "Hey." " J-town!" "Hey, I got the invite for your party." "What time should I be there?" " His name is Ricky Schwartz." " He's a Barney." " He's just not photogenic." " 9:00-ish." " Do you guys have any good beer, or should I bring some?" " Nah, we got that covered." "But what's your fave?" " Uh..." "German." " Me too." "See you at 9:00." "Okay, fine." "I guess I'll help out with this party, under one condition-- we have to get German beer." " Finally one of my friends throws a party, and I'm on house arrest." " We'll give you the play by play tomorrow." " If you leave your ichat on," "I can be your virtual party police and monitor any nastiness that might occur in your bedroom." " Yes!" "You can totally heat off any sexcretions that might hit Jenna's bed." "God forbid we have to crash on that shiznet." "[Ringtone playing]" "Ricky Schwartz." "Ricky Schwartz!" "Hello?" " Hello, beautiful." " Don't "beautiful" me." " I can't help it." "You're beautiful." "So, hey, is it cool if I bring my crew to your bestie's party?" " Are they cute?" " They're in the band." " Oh." "Okay, well, no kiki." " Is my muffin jealous?" " No." "We just want this to be a clean party." "And she's a dirty girl." "I know you digitized her." " Whoa, whoa." "Slow down, little lady." "These hands do not roam." "I've got mine reserved for you." "See you soon?" " Or later." "I'm co-hosting." "Ciao." "Everyone who's everyone is coming!" "Okay, are you ready to make an entrance?" "'Cause you're crossing over a new boundary." "You're not just a party-goer, you are now a party giver!" " If my party is epically awesome, maybe Matty will finally see me as girlfriend material." "Maybe it's not too late to tell Matty not to come." " Yeah, it finally cooled off." "Have a drink and get ready to be the hostesses with the mostesses." "Oh, no, kev, we're not doing much." "We're about to go to bed." "Oh, is it that early?" " What's up with the long faces?" "Looks like a Sarah Jessica Parker convention in here." " To have a party, we sort of need people." " God, you guys are so new." " [Chuckles] This is a good sign." "This means that the people that are coming are cool, and they know the protocol." " No one worth toking with shows up before 10:00." "Ever." "Ugh, lil' bitch, you can't host a rager looking like that." "Do-over." "Now." "All right..." "We're gonna tape your girls up." " And give the boys something to talk about." "All right, pull, pull, pull..." "And then bite." "Bite it!" "Bite it hard." "Bite it." "You got it?" "Okay." "[Tape ripping]" "And up!" "Boom." " Wow!" "Totally gives the illusion she's got a bod!" " And now that you have cleavage," "I have a dress you can wear." "[Giggles]" " I'm nervous." " Pop this." " But I've already had two drinks." " Don't be a wuss." "It's a beta blocker." "It'll just calm you down." " Got any tips for me?" " We don't have enough time." " * come on and get it * come on and get it * put it in your face and you won't regret it * * you know you love it * you know you're not above it *" "* * come on and get it" "*" "* I'm too excited * come on and get it [doorbell rings] * put it in your face and you won't regret it * * you know you love it * you know you're not above it *" "*" " [raspy snort]" " Was it possible that my mother let a guy sleep in my bed?" "Dumb question." "Of course it was." " Fun party, lil' bitch." "Get a little drink in you and the girl goes wild." " What do you mean by wild?" " When you took that kid out with your tongue..." "I didn't know you had it in you." " Funny thing about getting drunk?" "Nothing." "For six hours, I was walking and talking, and the memory was nonexistent in my brain." "I was spiral city in every sense." "Tamara wasn't answering her phone, so I needed a cyber-forensic asap." "Because according to ally, I'd gotten some action." "And apparently, so did my home page." " Leave a message." "T, it's me..." "Again." "I really need to download." "Call me back." " Get off your computer now." "We have got five hours until your dad gets home." " Ugh." " So, um..." "This guy I made out with, was his name Matty?" " I don't remember his name." " Anything you do remember?" "Mm..." "He had on green sneaks." " It was possible that Matty had green shoes, but green seemed more Jake's color." " Hey, no more smoking in my house." " Why is mom so pissed?" " She's never been one to handle a hangover." "And I think we sort of had a fight last night." " What'd you do?" " It was just a misunderstanding." "Don't worry about it." " I couldn't worry." "I was already maxed out on that emotion." "What does that look like to you?" " Boobs." "They're the dork's." "[Hip-hop music plays]" " Come on, show me your boobs." " I can't do that." " But you want to." " How do I know you're gonna keep your hands to yourself?" " Where's the fun in that?" " Ricky..." " Whoo." "Just put your tits behind the glass and be done with it." " Oh, yeah, put 'em on the glass." "Put 'em on the glass." "All:" "Put 'em on the glass." "Put 'em on the glass." "Put 'em on the glass." "[Cheers and applause]" " Oh, t, you are officially cut off." "[All booing]" " Is something wrong with my boobs?" " No." " Then why did Ricky walk away?" " He's probably trying to hide his boner." " He looked upset." "Boners don't make you upset." "Go talk to him." "Tell him I'm wasted." " [Chuckles] No kidding." " Tell him I'm wasted  wasted." "But keep your eyes above the belt 'cause if he's sporting wood, I wanna be the first to see." " I got your back." "Hey." " Hey." "[Chuckles]" "Okay..." "What's going on out here?" " Oh, just watching the show." "Yeah." " What show?" " You." "Guess what I am doing." "Wiping your boob smudge off the glass." "And I think I pdaed with Matty." "Did you see it?" "Call me." "[Laughs]" " Whoa, whoa." "Party foul 101-- just flip over the cushion." " Or..." "I could sit on it to cover it up." " But see, now there's a problem." "You can never leave the couch." " Jake..." "You are one of the nicest people I've ever known." "How come you're so nice?" "You're like a puppy." " I don't think that's a compliment." " It is, because..." "I love puppies." "Everyone loves puppies." "T, I'm wigging out." "I just had partial recall." "I'm not sure I got down with Matty because I think it might have been Jake." "Please confirm or deny." "I'm losing it." " What's your deal?" "[Chuckles]" "I'm getting frostbite from your cold shoulder." "You really crossed a line." "I cannot believe that you gave my daughter drugs!" " Relax, they're prescription." "It's not like I passed her a crack pipe." " She's 15!" " Oh, don't go all martyr on me." "We were doing way worse at her age." " Yeah, and look where that got me." "Ever think that I didn't want my daughter to make my mistakes?" " She's fine." "Stop overreacting." " You know-- [Doorbell rings]" "Jenna!" "Door!" "You need to grow up." "And put on some clothes." "[Cans clattering]" " Welcome." "[Chuckles]" " Hi." " Bad timing?" " Not at all." "I was just about to put my head in the oven." " I just wanted to give this back to you." " Why do you have my dad's shirt?" " You loaned it to me..." "After you puked on mine?" " I what?" " You don't remember?" "Do you remember what you did before you puked?" " Did I--give you a kiss?" " No." "No, you gave me a lecture." " Good God, I'm sorry." " No, no, don't be." "Look, you were right." "I never should have kissed you after detention." "It was a crappy thing to do considering I have a girlfriend." "Think you can forget about it?" " Forgetting things was not my problem." "Already forgotten." " Good." "Good." "So you're good." "And I'm good and we're good and, uh..." "Just friends." "Oh, have you seen a Stanford hat laying around?" "I guess Matty forgot it." "Asked me to pick it up for him." " No, I haven't, but I will keep an eye out for it." " Thanks." " See ya." " Weird." "If Matty wanted his hat back, why wouldn't he call me?" "[Door shuts]" "Where did you get that hat?" " I found it in the hall." " [Chuckles] All right." "You're pretty messed up, Hamilton." " You're one to talk." " Yeah, what's that supposed to mean?" " You think you're so great." ""I'm Matty mckibben..."" " Okay..." " "I play soccer." "I'm hot." "Everyone loves me."" "[Laughs drunkenly]" " Come on, that's not cool." " Why?" "It's true." "You never want to be seen with me." "Because I'm not cool?" "Because you think you're better than me?" " That's not it." "Why would I be here if I didn't like you?" "Because you like to party." " Whatever." "Can I--can I please have my hat back?" " You have to earn it." " Fine." "Then keep it." " In my attempt to remember the night," "I discovered why some things were convenient to forget." "[Ringtone plays]" "Hello?" " [Whispering] Are you alive?" " Barely." "Why are you whispering?" " I'm supposed to be learning Portuguese, but I had to call when I saw those crazy party pics that were posted." " What crazy pics?" " Ming!" " [Loudly] I have to go, grandma." "Yes, I'm studying hard." "[Whispers] Check your page." " * I called just to say [Ringtone chimes]" "* I know where you've been" " my head was throbbing, but it wasn't just from lack of hydration." "It was also from excessive humiliation." "And the question still remained-- had I attacked Matty with my tongue..." "In more ways than one?" "And did I ruin his shoes?" "[Computer chimes]" " * you fell over me" "* I fell for the line" "* no..." "Effing..." "Way!" " So I guess I'm gonna go." " bye." " Where are you going?" " I don't know." "My parents', I guess." "I [Bleep] Up." " Can I tell you a secret?" " You're a lesbian." "I already knew that." " No." "What I was gonna say is my mom's pretty easy." "Just apologize to her and mean it, then give her a compliment." " You know, lil' bitch, you aren't as annoying as you were a year ago." " Thanks?" " And I'm sorry I drugged you." "And that I peed in your closet." "Lace." " What?" " I am sorry." "I screwed up, and it won't happen again." "Mm..." "You gotta put on some weight." "I can feel your bones." " I'm not that skinny." " Yes, you are." "In fact, I think you need to go take your kid out for a doughnut." " I love you." " I love you too." "[Laughter]" " Kid?" " Can we make a detour on the way home?" " A dozen doughnuts?" "Don't you think it's a bit overkill?" " Not given the situation." " Aw, honey, it's gonna be okay." "You get to a point where your friends, they aren't just your friends anymore." "They're family." "Tamara's family, and she's-- she's gonna forgive you." "[Doorbell rings]" " I'm sorry." "T!" "[Doorbell rings]" "[Glass shatters]" "T!" "Ally drugged me." "I would never willingly make out with Ricky Schwartz." "Ever!" " Why, cause you're too good for him?" "'Cause you're too good for me now that Matty mckibben likes you?" "Jenna, wake up!" "He's just using you for sex." "And you know what else?" "I'm so glad I wrote you that letter." "You're dead to me, Jenna Hamilton." " and for the first time..." "I felt dead to me too."