"# There,s been 9irLs that have stolen our hearts" "# They,LL never Let us in and say" "# Boys will be boys" "# till the end #" "That,s how I Wanted the story to start." "Oh!" "Let me tell you, god moves in mysterious Ways." " I,m glad you Came." " I Can,t do this." "relax." "I Like you, Nathan." "I dO." "YOu know how much I dO, but..." "I,m sorry, I Can,t, Nathan." "Right." "YOu know how long I,ve been With Jase." " Yeah, you,re the Perfect couple." " We are." " That,s What I said." " I,m not gonna... jack him in because We got drunk, you know?" "It Was just a shag." "I,m sorry but it has to stop." "Of course." "well...that,s Why I asked you here." " you OK?" " There Was a queue." "Er..." "I better get back." "I said I,d be home." "OK." " I,LL see you." " Yeah." "It,s finished." "It,s Over." "One Of my big rules in Life is you never shag your best mate,s girlfriend." "twice." "This is just a sideline." "Earns me an extra ton a Week." "NOt that I,d call any Of ,em." "They,re right mingers." " Hard at it, Nathan?" " Ah, Pressed the wrong button." "always disappointing in a man." "YOu,re not ready." "I am." "I,ve just got to Put my clothes On." "OK." " I,m just in the final spin." " you are joking?" " I need my lucky underpants." " Why?" " I,ve never pulled in these." " We,re Late." " I thought We,re going to a Party?" " We are." " SO how Can We be Late?" "What?" "He said he Was in the area." "I know What you,re thinking but I,m not gonna mOraLise about What Jase is up tO." "SO how come you Waited this long?" " you think I,d call?" "." " The next day." "Yeah, well..." "kept thinking about it." "SO did I." "I,m all right, Cheers." "Trust me, I,m a doctor." " bollocks." " What?" " work." " you really are a doctor?" "What did you think I Was?" "A drug dealer?" " come With me." " I dunno." "I Can tell that you Want to." "come On." " It WOn,t take more than an hour." " well..." "I,LL grab me coat." " I,m just gonna POP Out for a bit." " Hey!" " What if Fi calls?" " I,ve gone back tO the office?" "Say the alarm,s gone Off." "PLease?" "Make sure you get home by 12." "sorry to ruin your Party but she WOuLdn,t Let any Of us treat her." " Thank yOu." "evelyn." " What are yOu doing, here?" "I,m here to tell him to take that bloody hat Off." "I,m not going, into hospital!" "It,s OK, come On." "YOu,re my special Patient, you know that." " I,m not going back." " It,s all right." "come On." "come On now." "Nurse?" "Let,s go in here." "Sit you down here." "And then..." "We,LL get you something nice to eat." "I WiLL get you a king-size hawaiian." "HOW does that sound?" "sorry, um..." "Oh, god, I,LL get some tissues." "NO, it,s OK, it,s OK." "It,s OK." "Here." " nice guy." " Yeah." "good bedside manner." "spent so long in that cubicle With her I wondered What you Were up tO." "I,d have never guessed you Were a doctor." "Oh, I LOve it." "That and, er...boxing." " NO Way?" " Oh, yeah." "ALL those ripped guys in shorts." " I used to box." " NO Way!" "Yeah?" "well, come On then." " NO..." " come On, Let,s go." "Oh, whoa, whoa, a southpaw." "What,s that?" "YOu damned coward!" "I play racquet sports With my Left, I hold a Pen in my right." "which hand do you Wank With?" "both." "come here, you Cheeky bitch!" " Right..." " Right." "come On." " Hi, Fi." " Is Jase With you?" "Jase?" "NO." " He had to go back tO the office." " Why?" " There,s been a break-in." " A break-in?" "Yeah." "well, Why do they Want him to go in?" "Er, they needed a manager." " He should,ve rung me." " Yeah, well... er, there,s a lot to sort Out." " does he need a hand?" " NO." "Erm...it,s nearly sorted." " Why,s he got his bloody mobile Off?" " cos...he,s With the police." "Oh." "That,s gonna take all night." "I Wanted him to walk me home." " I,ve got a fish chowder to Carry." " I Can do that." " NO." " honestly!" "I-I-I,m just round the corner." "look Out the window and you,LL see me." "I,m literally there." "Hi, Can I get a Cab, please?" " you Liar." " What?" "YOu Were at home." "Yeah." "I,LL do anything for a fish chowder." "HOW are yOu gonna Carry it?" "SO Where did you go tonight?" " some shit Party." " NO tOtty?" " I,m tOttied Out." " really?" "Yeah." "It,s all right When you,re young." "That,s profound." " you think I,m stupid." " you dOn,t look it at the moment!" " Whee!" " whoa!" "Ohh!" "Oh, me soup!" "sorry!" " Oh!" " sorry." "sorry." "He must still be With the police." "Yeah." "Thanks." "Listen, about the Other night..." " NO, it,s OK." " I dOn,t do affairs." "well, it isn,t." "It Wasn,t." "It Was just a shag." "Nathan..." "look, there are..." "loads Of fantastic women" "who,d...go mad for a bloke Like you." " Yeah, I know that." " you,re gonna make somebody very happy." " But it ain,t gonna happen between us." " Right." "OK, then." "Night." "YOu Can see how upset she is." "I,ve got to Put an end to it." "FOr her sake." "I gotta move On." "YOu,re wondering how We met." "well, Like I said, god moves in mysterious Ways." " hola." " hola." "today I Was getting so..." "I dOn,t know." "And then it Was Like, there you Were, it Was..." " well, a strange day." " It,s not Over yet." "And already for me it,s Like We,ve known each Other forever, yes?" " Maybe We have." " I think so too." " DO you know something?" " Hm?" " you have a beautiful mouth." "Yeah?" "ALL the better for...talking With." " Am I talking too much?" " NO, I Like it." " you dO?" "SO which Mass do you go to?" "Um..." " I dOn,t have One I go to religiously." " Oh." " well, I believe anywhere Can be my shrine." " Oh, I feel the same." "god is With me everywhere." "ALL the time." "He,s my closest friend." " He guides my Life." "But I still go to Mass." " ALL Of them?" " I have tO." " Why?" "SO I Can ask forgiveness for my sins." "DO yOu...sin Often?" " Mm..." " Ah!" "Ah-ha-ha..." "Oh, catholic girls - dOn,t you just love ,em?" "Ah!" "good bedside manner." " Wait for me." " I,ve been doing that all night." " This ain,t my fault." " I didn,t punch the wall." " because you make me so fucking angry." " I cannot speak to anyone." "YOu did it again - you Can,t even sit in a hospital." " fuck!" " Why Were you talking to that guy?" " He split coffee On me." " What did he say?" " It,s the Way you dress." " you bought this for me." " It,s the Way you Wear it." " you tell me how I should be!" "I,ve told you, stop drinking!" "And texting." "YOu are always texting." "I Can never get you On the phone." "Oh, whoa, whoa, a southpaw." "And speak in bloody english, Otherwise how do I know who you,re talking to?" "rosa, are yOu Listening to me?" " What you doing?" " It,s Over." "rosa!" "I didn,t Want to hurt him but What else could I dO, Father?" "ALL the time, I..." "I keep thinking about What I did." "I feel so bad." "I dOn,t know..." "something happened." "I just... realised." "SO this time do you think it,s Over?" "I Want to meet someone who,s right." "well, you must be Patient." "YOu keep your faith and god will Lead you to the man Of your dreams." "But how will I know?" "because..." "I Can,t tell." "ALL I get is losers." "god will give you a sign, rosa." " Give me a ring, eh?" " Yeah." " Hasta pronto." " Hasta pronto." "Hi, Fi." "HOW,s it going?" "Mm." "Fine." "good." "What shall I have?" "The tart looks nice." " Hiya." " Hi." "Did you get to the bottom Of that break-in?" "I told you, it Was just a false alarm." " That,s not What Nathan said." " Didn,t I?" "NO, you said the place Was a mess." "But I didn,t say it Was a break-in." "NO." " It Was a fire alarm, Wasn,t it?" " Yeah, the sprinkler Came On, damaged a lot Of computers." "A real mess." "really." "Then Why Were you talking to the police?" "well, because they always come Out When there,s a false alarm." " check it Was false." " which it Was." "I,ve got to get to work." " police?" "!" " What Was I meant to tell her?" "DOesn,t matter, COs Whatever I say, you go and Change it." "PLease, help me Out." "YOu,ve had more experience Of Lying to her." "She phoned When you Were With your toy boy." " He,s not my toy boy." " Oh, Whatever!" "Fi loves you." " That,s What she says?" " She dOesn,t need to." "DOn,t you know?" "!" " I mean, you,re a lucky bastard!" " I know!" " DO you?" " I,m gonna screw everything." " you already are." " I dOn,t Care about Mani." "And you dO about Fi?" "Have you seen What you,re doing to her?" " I Care about her even if yOu dOn,t." " I dO!" " I Wanna punch your head in." " Nath...!" "YOu go On Like this, you,re gonna do us all in." "Just...sort yourself Out, yeah?" "nothing happened anyway!" "After you." " Beer?" " Yeah." "Listen..." "I,m Pretty tired, if yOu...if yOu Wanna Crash..." "NO." "That,s not What I meant." "It,s OK, I know you,re in a relationship." "YOu know, if yOu just Wanna be mates...fine." "NO." "Yeah, it,s..." "COOL." "Just say." "NO." "I,ve got to work tomorrow." "Ring me, yeah?" " I WiLL." " OK." "We Can have a bout." " If yOu Want to get your arse whipped." " definitely." "Ring me." "Yeah." "What you doing?" " A very interesting feature." " Great!" "SO What is it?" "Er..." "well, it,s a review Of the City,s prostitutes." "OOh!" "YOu gonna sample and rate them?" " not exactly." " Men and women?" "got to interest Our female subscribers." "I Want to know about gigOLOs." "I Want to know What they do, how much they cost and Where Can I get One?" "god, is that all women ever think about?" "Whatever happened to romance?" "It,s just sex, sex, sex." "And it,s not just her." "The Other night..." "I,m worried." "YOu didn,t think it Was too fast?" "I didn,t Want you to think I Was just a flirt." "Hey, I Like this." " DO you Like Leather?" " Yeah." " Rubber?" " who dOesn,t?" " rope?" " Of course." " What else do you Like?" " you name it." "NO." "YOu name it." "Everything." "TeLL me, What are your fantasies?" "YOu first." "well, sometimes..." "I imagine I,m this beautiful princess kidnapped by an evil knight On horseback." "YOu see?" "I,m always telling Peggy, women Like that romantic fairy-taLe stuff." "The knight, he throws me down from the horse, he,s very rough With me." "Then he Pushes me down onto all fours he Lifts up my dress and then... he positions the horse Over me..." "I have tO stop things here." "That,s actually illegal." "In colombia I had a donkey called ACerO." "In english What would he be called?" "lucky?" "OK, it,s your turn." "I dunno." "I Can,t think." "Oh, come On." "TeLL me." "DO yOu Like..." "BD?" "Er, dolce and Gabbana?" " DO you Like it?" " well, you know, On special occasions." "I have a big Lingerie fetish." "Ah, yes?" "I Often imagine a woman turning up On my doorstep" "Wearing just, Like, an overcoat and Lingerie." "Very sexy Lingerie." "Oh, you are a lovely man, Nathan." " Want a hand?" " Ah!" "They,re freezing!" " you should feel my feet." " NO, thanks." " Want some Warm socks?" " Ugh, no!" "That,s disgusting!" "OK, We,re even." "Why dOn,t you get into bed and Warm up?" " Why did you Lie to me?" " When?" "YOu mean the alarm?" "I told you What happened." " What,s going On?" " I dOn,t know What Nathan said." "I told him the alarm had gone Off, there Was a fire alert." "That,s it." " That,s it?" " Yeah." "YOu,re being silly." "most Of the time...it,s Like you,re not here." "We,ve been together five years." "Five years next month." "I know." "SO...how are We gonna celebrate Our anniversary?" "YOu could just shag me silly." "Yeah." "I could book us into a hotel somewhere." "I,LL book it tomorrow - look up some restaurants, how,s that?" " That sounds good." " sorted." "Maybe I could do it at lunch time." "I,ve got to get up early tomorrow." "YOu set the clock?" "Yeah." " shall I turn the Light Off?" " Yeah." "Are you tired?" "I dOn,t know." " I,m sorry." " It dOesn,t matter." "It,s me." "I,m sorry, I know I shOuLdn,t be phoning you Like this." "But..." "I dOn,t know, I just need to speak to you." "Are you there?" "It,s all too, too much." " Yeah, er..." " Nathan..." "Why?" "Why does it have tO be Like this?" " What,s happened?" " I know I shOuLdn,t be telling you this." "It Was One Of those silly conversations." "I dOn,t know, er..." "I dOn,t know anything." "I just thought maybe, erm..." "I dOn,t know, maybe We could get a coffee." "Erm..." "W-WeLL..." " Why are yOu whispering?" " I,ve lost my voice." "Is someone there?" " NO." " I,m so confused." "YOu know?" "What will it do to Jase?" "YOu,re his best mate, I..." "Can,t think about it." "It,s all..." "It,s so evil." "look, maybe...maybe it,s not all your fault." "What I,m saying is, you Can,t just blame yourself." "Mm..." "who are yOu speaking to?" "Um..." "Oh, a friend." "She,s had some kind Of bust-uP With her boyfriend." "GO back tO bed." "I WOn,t be long." "I miss yOu." " What happened there?" " look, it might be easier..." " Do you want to meet me in alphabet?" " Is that a good idea?" " Let me think." " come On, you,re up now." "well, I,m still sort Of..." "Erm...getting my head together." "OK, night." "Er..." "Ahh..." "What Was I meant to do?" "One moment she says find someone else, the next she,s calling me in the middle Of the night." " Hiya!" " Hi." "We,re just Out for a sLaP-uP brekkie." " That,s nice." " Tried this place?" " Er..." " It,s meant to be very romantic." "Oh, well, I WOuLdn,t know." " SO What Were you up tO Last night?" " Erm, nothing." " nothing much." " really?" " That,s a lot Of CrOissants, mate." " Er, yeah." "Yeah, I Like CrOissants." " What is she, french?" "NO, it,s for me." "I always have the full continental." "Sets you up for the day." " particularly after a hard night." " And fruit." "YOu must really Like her." " And What,s this for, mate?" " Maybe she,s swiss." "I tell you, I need a big breakfast myself, mate." "Oh, well, bon aPPètit then." "DO yOu believe in fate?" "Yeah." "Yeah, it,s One Of those things." "A little bit Like luck." "well, I feel lucky I met you." "And you?" "DO yOu feel the same Way?" "Yeah, it,s been brilliant." "Have you ever..." "loved someone?" "I thought I Was in love... but suddenly..." "YOu know, something happens." "I realised..." "I saw this couple" " I dOn,t know, they had something." "And I looked at this couple - they Were having fun." "And I looked at me, and Zak, and the love We had..." "It wasn,t Love and I knew it was God showin9 me a si9n." "SO...have you ever loved someone?" "well, obviously my mum." "NO, no..." "I,ve been hurt a few times." "Oh, I WOn,t hurt you." "I Want to make you so happy!" "I Can,t believe you haven,t met the right woman before." "But that is fate." "Right." "SO you believe in fate?" "Yeah." "YOu dOn,t think...things just happen because... something you didn,t even know about happened...?" "NO!" "Right." "SO it,s all fate?" "YOu have tO understand that GOd is in control." "I Put the brakes On." "She,s doing my head in." "Besides, I,m not sure I Like the idea Of GOd knowing What I,m uP tO." "hello?" "YOu What?" "!" "DO I sound Like a PE mistress?" "Yeah, wrong number, mate!" " hello, Ladies." " ALL right?" "Any queries, just give me a call." "nice One, love." "well, I dO always wonder if it would be easier to Pay for it." "although, obviously, you know, I WOuLdn,t." "M-MOst Of them are mingers." "And the rest I Can,t afford." " Hi." " Hi!" "Here y,are." "Thank yOu, Nathan." "god bless you." "And all who sail in you." "hello?" "Caviar and What?" "That,s disgusting!" "It,s not the Caviar I,m talking about, mate!" "NO, you Can stick it uP your own..." "Where the bloody hell do these people keep getting my number from?" "What you doing?" "What,s Nathan,s mobile number?" "hello." "Er, wallpaper and What?" "Listen, mate, you Can provide your own Paste!" "Jase, I need your help, mate." " Hey!" " This is becky,s idea Of a joke." ",hot fireman needs hOsing." "call..., That,s your number!" "Yeah." "She switched ,em On every Card I Printed." " In every box from here to oldham." " NO?" " I hope you Can run in those heels." " Cheers." " If yOu need some extra money..." " I Was doing this to Pay you back." " DOn,t be stupid." " Want a beer?" " NO, I,m meeting Mani." "gonna dump him." "Right." "well..." "well, it,s all for the best." " you dOn,t seem so sure." " DOn,t ask me." " Why not?" " I,ve never really had... yOu know, a relationship Like you and Fi." " because you dOn,t Want that." " I dOn,t know..." "DO yOu think I,LL end up Living alone?" "unless you get schizophrenia." "SO, you gonna...tell Fi?" "I Want to but..." " confession,s good for the soul." " But crap for your relationship." "I dOn,t Wanna lose her." "I,ve booked a table at La maison tonight." "I Wanna go back tO the Way it Was." "come On." "Hey." "Listen, I,m sorry, I,m gonna be about another half an hour." "But I could meet you at MePhistO,s." "Or do you Like art?" " you know the gallery at..." "I Can,t really hang around." "I dOn,t know if I said, but I Live With someone." " Yeah, I know." " I,m not...gay." "come here." "NOW, you give me 2O minutes." "It,LL be worth it, I promise." "Hi, you,ve reached Fi and Jase." "Leave a messa9e after the beep." "Listen, babe, I called you On your mobile." "I dOn,t know What to do, I,m stuck at work." "neil,s called me in for a bloody meeting." "I,LL call you Later." "Listen, babe, I called you on your mobile." "I don,t know what to do, I,m stuck at work." "neil,s called me in for a bloody meetin9." "I,m really pissed off." "I,m 9onna 9et there, yeah?" "I just don,t know when." "I,m really sorry." "Love you, yeah?" "GO away." "I,ve been asked to do things that even rosa hasn,t heard Of." "PLease god, Let that be JehOvah,s Witnesses." "Praise the lord." "I Like His style." " Is this a bad time?" " NO, not at aLL." "come in." " shall I take your coat?" " Er, no, it,s all right." " What,s uP?" " What Was going On the Other night?" "When?" "And dOn,t give me all that crap about the fire alarm." " you know What he Was doing." " I dOn,t." "YOu,re a shit Liar, Nathan." "both Of yOu." "At first I thought it Was another woman but..." "I dOn,t think it,s a woman." "FOr once in yOur Life tell the truth, Nathan." "It isn,t a woman." "I thought so." "If he Wants to...shag around that,d be bad enough but... bot With bloody..." "prostitutes." " What?" " DOn,t Pretend!" "look!" "It Was in his pocket." " That,s mine." " DOn,t try and cover for him." " It is." " Oh." "SO you,re both into it?" "NO." "It,s sick." "ALL right, Our sex Life isn,t great, and maybe now I know Why." "Fi, Listen." "I Print and distribute these." "It,s just for a bit Of extra money." "Paying for sex." "god, it,s so LOW." "I felt guilty about What We did but..." "Here, look!" "I,ve got loads." "Just believe me." "They,re mine." "I swear." "Then tell me What the problem is." "YOu are the most beautiful, wonderful, funny... sexy..." "lovely, gorgeous woman in Greater manchester." "Jase knows that." "I Can tell you..." "he dOesn,t Want any Other woman." "He just Wants you." "Just in Greater manchester?" "well, I,m only telling you Jase,s view." " That,s not yours?" " Me?" "NO." "I,d, er..." "I,d go for this girl." ",horny shaven tart needs Cream., really?" "Just as a penpal." " Sure it,s not a bloke?" " I,ve met her." "nipples you could hang a tractor On." "She sounds lovely." " you all right?" " I,m fine." " Yeah?" " Yeah." "We had to...end it, Nathan." "I,m...just pleased you found someone else." "Like I said, she,d just be a penpal." "NO, I meant the woman I saw you On the street With." " who?" " Outside alphabet." "Her." "rosa." " She Was all Over you." " NO." "NO, nice girl but..." "I,d rather have a kebab." "I,m glad." "I mean, I Wasn,t... jealous." "I Can,t help it." "I feel the same." "I know." "In any Other circumstance this might be a very appealing option." "I,ve been worrying myself sick about you, feeling guilty about Jase, and all the time you,ve been merrily shagging some hooker." " That Wasn,t the best start." " Hey!" "YOu calling me a hooker?" "!" " you,re dressed Like One." " SO are yOu." "Get Out." " who do you think you are, love?" " I,m his girlfriend." "I,ve had enough Of this." "I,ve tried to be honest and all you dO is Lie to me." "She,s exaggerating." "She,s not my girlfriend." "She,s just a friend." "Why is she dressed Like that then?" " Any ideas?" "I,ve had a nightmare day, mate." "Mani WOuLdn,t..." " Hi." " Hi." " Hi!" " Hi." " you,re the guy I saw On Tuesday night!" " Tuesday?" "What a busy night." "The alarm, the police, now rosa." " Is someone going to explain What,s going On?" "YOu Nathan coleman?" "We believe this flat,s being used for prostitution." "DOn,t mind if We come in, do you, sir?" "That is absolute bloody slander!" "Where did you get that idea from?" "Oh, all right." "look, this isn,t What it looks Like." "This isn,t a prostitute." "She,s my girlfriend." "Whatever you,ve done, Nathan, it,s OK." " Jesus loves you." " Yeah." "It,s just the rest Of us think you,re an arsehole." "Hang On!" "Wait!" "I Can explain!" " What the fuck are yOu doing?" " you cost us business." "Why did you Change the number On Our Cards?" "YOu Were going to explain, sir?" "They Let me Off With a caution." "mostly because they hadn,t had a Laugh Like that for ages." "Thanks for Waiting." "YOu,ve been really good." " I am still trying to understand..." " Let,s just move On." "I made a few mistakes." "Maybe it Was fate after all." "SO..." "Jase, he,s your friend?" " Yes." " But not your boyfriend?" " NO." " He has a boyfriend at the hospital." " does he?" " And Fi, she,s his girlfriend?" " Er, yes." " But also your girlfriend?" "NO." "YOu and your friends are seriously messed up, eh?" "I..." "I think it,s best We stop seeing each Other." "your Life is maybe a little bit more complicated than you told me." "But I told you, I,m gonna Change." "My Life isn,t normally Like this." "YOu used me." "And What about Fi?" "I think you know, Nathan, she has very strong feelings for you, yes?" " We,re good mates." "Maybe...yOu need to be more honest With each Other." "It,s not that simple." "It is." "These things...are always simple." "It,s people that complicate them." "Hasta luego, Nathan." "Oh!" "Get Off me, you poof!" "Oi!"