"How could ketchup get this hard?" "You just hold it in your hand like this and say:" ""You're the biggest ketchup I've ever had."" "Hey, everybody." "I got it, I got it." "Don't panic." "At least you caught it in the early stages." "No, I got the paper so we could see if our ticket won the lottery, $120 million." "Fun." "If we win, I'll get an eighth of my trust fund back." " Come on, now, who's got our ticket?" " I've got the ticket." "I put it in here." "I figured it's where everybody else gets lucky." "By the way, if we win, I'm gonna buy a condo right next to Great Adventure and go there every day drunk." "Also put a soda fridge in my garage for sure." "What will you do with your share if we win?" "I'm getting out of this clap-trap as fast as I can and set me up some kind of a Hugh Hefner situation." "Here we go, for the big money." "Ooh, if I win, hello, Netflix subscription." "We need a six, a ten, a five, a 12, and a nine." "And the first number is six." "[ALL CHEER]" "And the second number is 47." "[ALL GROAN]" "Good thing I didn't pay my share of the ticket yet, suckers." "I printed up more of our cupcake business cards." "We can hand them out tomorrow at the Williamsburg crafts fair." "Ooh, can't wait." "Me and you handing out free cupcakes stuck in between hipsters selling crocheted iPad sleeves and Salt-N-Pepa salt and pepper shakers." "We're not just giving them away for free." "It's marketing." "One person eats it..." "...and spreads it around to their friends." " So we're herpes." "Hello, Sophie." "If you looked any sweeter, you'd fire up my diabetes." "Oh, Earl, you wouldn't be the first man to lose a limb over me." "HAN:" "Sophie, I am surprised to see you in here." "Scuttlebutt says you and Oleg are no longer together." "Wow, this little girl likes to gossip, yes?" "Why don't you scuttle your butt over there and get me a menu, the way you're supposed to?" "Hey, Max, Caroline, come see me in my booth." "Are we over here so Oleg can't see you through the kitchen window?" "What is this, diner or back issue of Cosmopolitan magazine?" "I grew up reading Cosmo." "What 6-year-old doesn't need to know the hidden male erogenous zones?" "It's the nipples." "The end." "I came in to give you girls cleaning job for tomorrow." "We can't tomorrow." "We're doing the crafts fair." "We're turning down a real paying job to go to the crap fair?" "Yes, it's important that we focus on the cupcake business." "And you can't spell "focus" without "us."" "Or F-U." " Hello, Sophie." " Hello, Oleg." "So do you miss the sex?" " Oh, you know what?" "We should go." " No, we are having conversation here." "And besides, the sex was not that good." "Oh, it was that good." "It wasn't that good." "Please, I beg you, let us go." "Heh." "You can go." "I'm kind of into it." "It's like a dirty Downton Abbey." "So why are you still standing there giving me those sad cow eyes in that brown velour?" "Because it's a good look on me." "And because I'm waiting for you to admit that you came here because you miss the sex." "I miss summers in Minsk." "I miss smoking in hospitals." "But I don't miss the sex." "Fine, then." "What would you like to eat?" "I'll have my usual sausage." "Okay." "Ding, it's ready." "Max's Homemade Cupcakes." "Max's Delicious Homemade Cupcakes." "Let's move this along." "Max's Homemade Cupcakes." "Max, come on." "Could you at least try and have a better attitude at the crafts fair?" "I was doing fine until my hair got gang-feathered by that girl from the Church of Good Vibes." "Hi." "I'm from the funnel-cake booth back there and your little table is sadder than watching The Notebook at a funeral." "Hey, Dutch girl why don't you go stick your finger in a dyke?" "I'm sure you can find one over near the plus-sized denim." "Max, please, we're all businesswomen here." "And some of us are wearing tablecloths on our heads." "The makeshift table is because we're just starting out." " We've been in business eight months." " Heidi, how long have we been funneling?" "Every day, 24/7, for the past three months." " And we already have a booth." " Yeah, we do." "I have to say, you girls really take the "fun" out of funnel." "Actually, we put the "fun" in funnel." "See?" "You can't spell "funnel" without "fun."" "Or F-U." "Three months and they already have a booth?" "We're behind." "Max's Homemade Cupcakes." "Take this!" "See?" "Success." "Scaring people into participating isn't success, it's Scientology." "I'm calling Sophie." "We are taking that job." "You better have a good reason you're late." "I managed to get here on time despite removing the diseased pigeon feathers from my hair." "I do." "So today, when we were cleaning that apartment and I had my hands in a total stranger's toilet I realized if we're gonna be successful, we've gotta think outside the bowl." "So after I thoroughly washed my hands" "It never really comes off, though, right?" "Off your soul, I mean." "I made a call to a connection I know and got us a real cupcake job." "And it's in Manhattan." "It's the 1st birthday party for the son of a socialite." "Sixty cupcakes with buttercream frosting." "Up top." "Buttercream?" "Not the response I expect from my business partner." "I was expecting, "Oh, awesome job!" "Thumbs up, buddy!"" "Why?" "ls your business partner on a show on Nickelodeon?" "Look, I don't do buttercream." "Buttercream is a bitch." "If it doesn't stay refrigerated, it falls apart as fast as a two-celebrity marriage." "Max, we have to take this job." "It's the next step for us." "All we do these days is clean apartments and work at the diner." "That's not all I'm doing." "I also babysit for Peach." " Oh, Peach is fine with it." " Why would Peach be fine with it?" "I was gonna tell you this after the Nickelodeon high five that didn't happen, I got thrown." "Peach is the connection I used to get the party." "You called Peach without asking me and begged her for a job?" "I didn't beg." "I asked if she knew anybody who'd use us." "She was happy to recommend us to her friend Constance." "No way." "I'm not comfortable with this." "You have to do things that make you uncomfortable." "It's how you grow." "No, it's the way you get a ride home from a kegger in the woods." "Max, I'm sorry, but we can't turn into those people who work and work just to pay their bills and don't have any time to pursue their dreams." "You mean Americans?" "I'm telling Peach tomorrow we're not doing it." "Now, go get some milk." "No problem, because that's what waitresses do and apparently, that's all we'll ever be." "[CAROLINE SCREAMS]" "[CAROLINE SIGHS]" "What?" "I had to prove the sex was not that good." "Oleg, on the food?" "Don't say it like that." "That ham was already glazed before we got there." "So I'm guessing you're back together?" "Oh, no, no." "The sex was not that good." "Oh, it was that good." "I went to get mayo and it all happened so fast." "[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]" "Okay, babies, give me fashion, give me face." "Yeah." "Peach, I don't know what's going on in your apartment but I would like it on the record, I am not a willing accomplice." "So, What is going on here?" "Well, Brad is giving us seduction, like his namesake and Angelina is giving us nothing, like her namesake." "This is a pretty fancy setup." "Were the kids nominated for an Oscar?" "Best performance by twins in a ridiculous situation?" "It's a photo spread for my new mommy blog." "I'm calling it "Mommy and Me." Isn't that clever?" "And original." "I've had a blog since my friend Constance started her blog." "We both have blogs and we both have babies." "Only her baby is adopted from Africa." "She'd be winning if I didn't have two from a poor white hillbilly surrogate." "Um, about your friend Constance, I think I was supposed to do a party for her" "Mm-hm." "Don't screw this up, because I hate her and I need her to love me." "Yeah, here's the thing." "Thank you, but Caroline should never have called you and asked for a favor." "I'm not comfortable asking you to do that." "Well, I did it for you." "And now you'll do that for me." "And, Max, this has to go swimmingly, which is a new word I just learned." " You're saying I can't get out of it?" " I'm saying, Max, you can't get out of it." "Max, still not talking to me because of the Peach thing?" "Fine." "Those are some pretty bad-ass buttercream cupcakes." "Ain't no drama going on in that box!" "Okay, I just went gangster, and not even a smile?" "What?" "Are you planning to never talk to me again?" "You nodded." "If you were deaf, that would be talking." "That's true." "My brother's deaf." "Not from birth, from firecrackers." "Relax, we still have time." "Ten more minutes on the train, then a 15-minute walk." "The buttercream's not gonna melt." "Some people just like to create nonverbal drama." "Mm-hm." "[WHEELS SCREECH]" "MAN [OVER PA]:" "Attention, passengers, there is an obstruction on the track ahead." "MAN:" "Oh, no." "I bet someone jumped in front of the train." "Oh, my God, what a tragedy." "The buttercream!" "MAN [OVER PA]:" "Attention, passengers, we apologize for this delay." "There's still an obstruction on the tracks ahead." "It's totally, like, a body." "They can't get it off and whatnot." "MAN:" "We should be moving shortly." "What's with this guy?" "He said that 20 minutes ago." "How are your cupcakes?" "Mine are getting a little loose." "Still?" "Still not talking?" "Fine, Max, now I'm not talking either." "What's with her?" "She said that 20 minutes ago too." "But she just keeps talking." "I know, right?" "We probably hit the body, so it's all up in the wheel and whatnot." "Well, if there is whatnot under our wheels and I don't get these cupcakes there, I lose my babysitting job." "Are we babysitters or bakers?" " I was talking to him." " Stay out of this." "[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]" "If you two are bakers, break out some of those cupcakes..." "...so we all don't starve." " No one is touching these cupcakes." "Our entire future is riding on these mothers." "I think I'm smelling, like, a dead-body smell." "You are making things so much worse in here." "You don't smell that?" "It's like when my sister burned herself throwing firecrackers at my brother's ear." "This train is out of service." "We are approximately two blocks from the next station." "We have to take you on foot." "Please form a single line and we will escort you to safety." "They expect me to walk through a subway tunnel in heels?" "Hey, everybody, I think we know who we're gonna eat first." "Oh, my God, it's so hot up in here." "It's like 200 degrees." "If I faint and fall down there, the rats will, like, eat me and whatnot." "Rats?" "Max, are there rats?" "It's a subway." "The floor is made of rats." "What you really have to worry about are the Ninja Turtles." "Thank you for responding." " Hold up." " I am telling you right now." "If I lose my babysitting job over this, the rats will be the better option for you." "We're only two blocks from the station." "We can make it." "How are your cupcakes?" " They're still holding together." " Like us." "We're still holding together." "Jeez, come on." "Oprah and Gayle, less talk, more walk." "Folks, there's a bit of a gap here." "A gap?" "There can't be a gap." "Why is there a gap?" "Because people need reasonably priced basics." "I'm gonna hop across and help the rest of you over." " Oh." "MAN:" "Whoa." "Okay, miss, you're next." "I put the light on it, just grab it." "You know how many times I've heard that from a guy in a tunnel?" "Here, just take these." "Careful, sir, it's buttercream!" "I'm throwing you my purse." "Here it comes." "Thank you." "Why, thank you." " Okay, miss, you're next." " Hand me over the cupcakes and jump." "I can't, I'm terrified." "What if I fall'?" "The rats will eat me." "I can never come back from that." "Bankruptcy, yes." "Rats, no." ""Caroline, where are your toes?" "Well, it's a long story."" "If you fall, that third rail will fry you up way before the rats get there." "Listen, Maria." "You are freaking me out." "If we're lucky, the rats will eat your mouth." "Caroline, it's okay." "It's just a step." "Take the step." "Hold these." "Come on, I'm right here." "I took the step, now you have to take the step." "That's right, you did." "I do." "Here we go." " Back up, everybody, yeah." " Back off" "Go, Caroline, go, Caroline, go." "Go, Caroline, go, Caroline, go." "Go, Caroline, go, Caroline" "[CAROLINE SCREAMS]" "I saw a rat." "We made eye contact." "It'll probably be easier if you took those heels off." "Sir, that is never going to happen." "We are in Manhattan." "I may be under it, but I am still in it." "When they pull out my half-eaten body, I will be wearing my heels." "[MAX GRUNTS]" "[ALL CHEER]" " Maria!" " What?" "I only had one." "What are you gonna do?" "Jump back over and do something and whatnot?" "Constance, we're sorry we're late." "I don't wait." "I don't wait for anything." "I already have the iPhone 8." "Sorry, we couldn't help it." "We were trapped on the subway." "Well, just some cupcakes on a plate." "I got a room full of women out there who need to cut something in half and then eat the other half and they need to do it now!" "Welcome back to Manhattan." "How do they look?" "Like they all had unprotected sex with each other." "Oh, hi, you two." "I'm looking for the babies." "I'm about ten seconds from just giving up." "There's a problem with the cupcakes." "There can't be." "Constance will kill me, literally." "Her last two best friends went missing." "That is not attractive at all." "Is that what food looks like?" "Why are there no cupcakes out?" "If you two worked for me, I'd deport you." "There's a bit of a cupcake situation." "The buttercream sort of broke down on the way up." "It's not a problem." "We can fix it." "I'll run to a deli, get what we need to touch them up." " No one's the wiser." " And I take full responsibility." "My partner warned me that buttercream was a bitch." "I'm not being rude." "That's a technical baking term." "You expect me to pay $300 for this?" "Caroline, I have to say that you are a bigger con artist than your father." "Then I have to say, you're a bigger bitch than the buttercream." "I'm not your boss, so I can't hit you but I'm sure that Peach won't be your boss much longer either." " Right, Peach?" " But I love Max." "She's been with me since I bought the twins." " I can't live without her." " You're never coming..." "...to another one of my parties." " Max, you're fired." "It's my fault you lost your babysitting job, and I feel awful." "Hey, I'm the one who called that bitch a bitch." "And I'm gonna ride those awesome fumes right up till we get evicted." "Why can't you just admit the sex was that good?" "You know it, I know it the ham with the bite marks in the freezer knows it." "Okay, fine." "The sex was that good." "As was the ham." "It was that good because it was more than just sex." "It was love." "Oh, it is not love." "Oh, it is love." "Oh, it is not love." "It was dirty, disgusting sex." "Yes, it was." "Oleg, do you really love Sophie?" "Yes, I do." "And one day, I will kiss her." "Her lips will be mine." "Wait, you've never kissed her?" "Not on the lips of her face." "But that day will come." "Man, I can't believe I'm actually saying this but that is pretty freaking romantic." "I'm looking for Max." "I think her last name is Black." "Oh, sorry, maybe it's African-American." "You think her name is Max African-American?" "Peach, what are you doing here?" "Who's with the twins?" "They're in the car." "Don't worry, I rolled up the windows and locked the doors, so they're safe." "Max, I'm sorry for pretending to fire you in front of Constance." " Pretended?" "That felt pretty real." " Yeah, I'm good." "My fake orgasms are so real, even I believe them." "Peach, this is all my fault." "Please give Max her job back." "That's why I'm here." "Max, come back." "I need you to watch them tomorrow." "And then every day." "Peach, I don't think I can work for you tomorrow or any other day." "We have to focus on our business." "Are you sure you're comfortable with this?" "No, I'm not comfortable, but that's the point, right?" "You gotta take a step." "Well, then how about just for another year?" "By then, the twins will be old enough to take care of themselves." "No." "But I promise I'll come by and say hi to the twins whenever I can." "Oh, Max." "I'll never find someone as wonderful as you who speaks English." "Bye, Max." "Wow, good for you." "Good for us." "Hope so." "That's the first job I ever quit without a job to take its place." "You have another job." "You work for yourself." "You're your own boss." "My own boss'?" "I can't wait to sleep with myself to get a promotion." "[English" " US" " SDH]"