"This programme contains some strong language." "As Theresa May makes her debut speech to the European Parliament," "In London, one disgruntled traveller decided to put his dispute with the rail company behind him and move on." "Following viewers complaints Eastenders is too bleak, script writers come up with a new hobby for Phil Mitchell." "LAUGHTER" "On Ian's team tonight is the leader of the Lib Dems," "Appearing on the show two weeks after Nick Clegg." "Which means the" "Lib Dems have almost as many seats in this studio as they do in" "Parliament!" "Please welcome Tim Farron." "And with Paul tonight is a presenter and football pundit who's famous for not knowing what's going on, on the pitch ?" "which makes him the favourite to be next England manager." "Are you likely to be the next England manager?" "I'm not likely to be the next England manager." "I've got too many skeletons in my closet!" "LAUGHTER How about President of the United States of America?" "LAUGHTER" "That's a possibility." "I can't believe that want to replace a black president with an orange one!" "LAUGHTER" "And we start with the bigger stories of the week." "Prime Minister, do you know what's going on?" "Slippery animal there." "With a fish." "The Chancellor takes on allcomers." "Fox hunting may be." "This is Brexit and there is civil war breaking out in the Tory party." "It's going to be messy." "It's going to be a party that falls apart, how can anyone do that?" "We have none of that, it's marvellous!" "Well there is only 11 of you." "It's not quite that yet." "Is it not?" "After Whitney we'll have three MPs." "This is the news that Brexit still means Brexit and we have to keep talking about it for ever." "What secret document from" "Boris's past was revealed this week?" "He had a column in the Telegraph and he couldn't make his mind up so he wrote two." "One saying we should definitely leave and one saying we should definitely remain." "People say this is an indication he's a bit 2-faced." "People are very rude about Boris, I think he's just on the make, really!" "APPLAUSE Have you had a chance to reconsider your public call for him to be arrested?" "No." "I stick by every word." "Except I've got another column where I said I thought you should be let off." "Let's have a look at what his secret one said. "" "Also he gave warnings about the downsides of Brexit, arguing it could lead to economic shock, Russian aggression and a new" "Scottish referendum." "The only thing he didn't see coming was Will Young dropping out of Strictly." "What did the chairman of the EU Foreign" "Affairs Committee have to say about our Brexit ministers?" "He said one of them was extremely good-looking." "LAUGHTER This is a very thin disguise, what is Boris up to?" "Which one of those glasses and moustache comes off in one go?" "He did say they have no idea of their plan..." "Oh dear." "What does Jacob Rees-Mogg think of Elmar Brok?" "I wake up every morning wondering what Jacob Rees-Mogg is going to say." "I have a special tea towel embroidered" what would Jacob do?" Jacob who?" "The finest backline West Ham ever had!" "I remember him well!" "If you don't know who he is you'll have quite an experience." "Elmar Brok is clueless, he's a know nothing blowhard." "LAUGHTER Migrant children with family already living here have been arriving from the Calle Jungle." "Why has this been controversial?" " some are concerned some of the refugees we've been letting in might not be desperate enough." "David Davis tweeted a picture of some of the children saying "I hope British hospitality is not being abused"." "People don't like the idea there are lots of young men, they are the people who come because it is young men who get shipped this way." "They are going to be young men, that's what they look like." "The Daily Mail are keen on checking the ages of these people." "They have aged this man using a computer programme as aged 38." "According to Microsoft the app they used is a fun app that guesses how old you are using machine learning." "So we've done it to you, Ian and Paul." "Ian 26 and Paul 28." "Don't get too pleased with yourselves." "This is what happened with Norman Tebbit. 23!" "To Reza's in" "Brussels now as we record the programme, hoping for a smooth" "Brexit. " " Theresa May is in Brussels." "We must say hard or soft any more." "I had a smooth Brexit for breakfast this morning which I made in my Nutribullet." "I can vouch for that, I was sat in an extreme!" "You as well?" "!" " in the next room." "She gets to tell what the other leaders what her plans are but Donald Tusk has said there will be no pre-negotiations until Article 50 is triggered." "You go way back." "Once upon a time we both had Rick Astley's haircut." "We stood the North" "West Durham in a very safe Labour seat in 1992." "Let's have a look at you in happier times." "Here you are in a synthpop duo in the 1980s." "LAUGHTER Actually you were in a band, when shoe?" "Tell us what's going on here." "That is Robert on the right and David on the left." "We were utterly, utterly dreadful." "Was that the name of the band?" "LAUGHTER We had a great time." "We were terrible." "Which sums up my life, really!" "Tim, you've been fighting hard to put the Lib Dems back on the map." "Let's have a look at some footage from the Lib Dem party conference a few weeks back just to see how well it is going." "You know which political party having a conference here this week?" "No." "Couldn't tell you." "The" "TUC?" "Do you know which political party has its conference going on here at the moment?" "What do you think of them?" "What do I think of them?" "Who are they?" "It's going well!" "Who's been using the referendum result of further her own aims this week?" "Nicola Sturgeon, what has she been saying?" "Another Scottish referendum." "We are going to be joined by Scottish First Minister Nicola" "Sturgeon who will be talking about a second referendum on independence." "I'm sorry, we've clearly run the wrong picture." "My apologies there." "LAUGHTER To be fair none of us are at our best but early in the morning." "She looked all right to me!" "This is the bleating of bitter" "Remoaners who refuse to accept the vote of the British people." "The" "Sunday Times revealed at one point Boris Johnson wanted to punch" "Michael Gove." "The only reason he didn't is that he hates queueing." "LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Meanwhile the Independent reported that the first unaccompanied children from the jungle vulnerable" "Jungle in Calais arrived in Croydon." "You can't make the transition from squalor and deprivation too abrupt!" "Paul and Chris, take a look at this." "Here we are, the magnificent idiot Trump." "With his wandering hands." "That's probably her e-mails." "This is Julian Loro Piana." "Donald Trump is losing lots of votes..." "The US election as it struggles to an unedifying climax..." "I've experienced a few of those..." "LAUGHTER The final debate was on Wednesday and the whole electoral process was summed up by one American commentator." "This is a very sad night for the country." "You can't polish this turd." "Technically you can't polish any turd." "LAUGHTER How did the debate kick-off?" "With a right hook." "No handshake." "You don't want him touching you, do you?" "!" "Trump said he's not going to accept the verdict, unless he wins." "He said" ""I would like to promise and pledge to all my voters and supporters that" "I will totally accept the results of this great and historic presidential election" ..." "If I win." "LAUGHTER What else has Trump whinged about according to Hillary?" "The Grammys." "They are rigged, too, apparently." "There was even a time when he didn't get an Emmy for his TV programme three years in a row and he started tweeting that the Emmys were rigged." "Should have gotten it." "LAUGHTER Who did Trump invite to sit in the front row and make Hillary feel weird?" "Was it Vladimir Putin?" "Barack Obama's half brother." "Yes." "He doesn't like him, do you know why?" "Sibling rivalry." "Malik Obama told ITV..." "And says to me, what have you done?" "!" "To be fair, he is the President!" "What role did Trump try and impose on last night's debate?" "No sense, no facts." "He thought Hillary was on performance enhancing drugs." "A drugs test!" "He tried to insist they both be drug tested." "Period have tested positive for spray mount. -- he would have tested positive for spray mount." "It is a pity Hillary is such a terrible candidate." "Anyone else would have won by now!" "If Michelle" "Obama was Stanley, it would be all over." "You have got the wrong" "President's Y. APPLAUSE" "One of the latest allegations of misogyny came from a Swedish supermodel who said:" "Unfortunately for her, she ended up next Clinton." "The security team for Hillary Clinton call her:" "Whereas, for" "Trump, it is never mind." "Comparing the work of their respective charities, Hillary Clinton declared that the Trump foundation took money from other people and bought a 6-foot portrait of Donald." "Apparently, it's very realistic." "The hands seem to follow you around the room." "And so to round two:" "the one-armed bandit of news." "Fingers on buzzers team, here's the first one:" "This is the reconstruction of the" "Battle of facing." "You can see the battlefield has changed somewhat. -- the Battle of Hastings." "The drinks cabinet represents where William the" "Conqueror made his victory speech." "As near as dammit, Paul." "This is the 950-year-old news that there's been a battle in Hastings." "And if you don't want to know the result, look away now:" "Who won?" "Who won the Battle of Hastings?" "It was West Ham, wasn't it?" "One Battle of Hastings fan built this wonderful And the words of and the are under suspicion." "They thought if they called it the Battle of Battle, people would think they were silly." "You will find there is a northern town called Skirmish." "This has been travelling for years with someone else's card." "Nearly, it's a duck on an aeroplane." "The duck has an official title." "Does anyone know it?" "Stewart ducky" "McDuck." "He is called an emotional support duck." "Someone has made this up." "A greater source of pride than his brother, Toilet." "Does anyone know what an emotional support duck actually wears?" "It's not even a real thing." "According to the Telegraph, Daniel the duck was wearing little red booties." "If someone is having a panic attack on a plane, the site of a little duck in red boots wouldn't calm you at all." "And he had a sign saying, my first flight." "And a Captain America diaper to make sure he didn't go to the toilet on the floor." "Why does Captain America need to wear red diaper?" "Maybe he has IBS or something." "Who knows, Paul?" "It's not good use of superpowers, is it?" "How did he pass the time mid-flight, for example?" "How did he pass the time?" "He looked out of the window." "Having a gander!" "Thank you!" "Daniel also had a snack before boarding." "I hesitate to ask you what you think he might have eaten, but go on." "Quackers?" "According to one passenger:" "Finally come of what record has a Peterborough hen set this week?" "Most eggs?" "The biggest ever egg." "Here it is." "Do we have a picture of the chicken that Lady egg?" "No, it's in intensive care." "Now the odd one out Brown." "Just one between you." "Your four are:" "Ken Clarke was caught calling" "Theresa May that bloody difficult woman." "Sam Allardyce was caught." "And the ghost wasn't." "You're in the right area, but you got the question on." "Liam Fox." "Anthony Donleavy claimed to have filmed a ghost in his trousers." "Anthony Dunleavy claimed to film a ghost Anthony had got home and had taken off his trousers, thrown them over the edge of the sofa when the trouser leg Who wants to see Anthony's haunted trousers?" "Is that it?" "I wish I hadn't insulted the dock with the red boots." "That is the worst bit of film we've ever been asked to comment on, ever." "What's making your washing move in the garden?" "Is it Oliver Cromwell?" "!" "LAUGHTER" "According to the Sun one person who's lost a lot of work because of" "Sam Allardyce's departure is Steve Walsh bank, his lookalike." "Surely anyone can do a Sam Allardyce impression with their hands over their face." "He looks like Ed Balls." "You know him, he's a dancer." "Chris, you've been caught unaware on camera a few times, haven't you?" "Second half is just about underweight..." "Who started the better, Chris?" "LAUGHTER Well the second half is under way at Upton Park." "Who started the better, Chris?" "LAUGHTER Second half is well underway at Upton Park now." "Who started the better, Chris?" ", He has not got a Scooby Doo." "I really should watch Sky." "You should similarly only 40 quid a month." "We could have the fit is round tomorrow." "Would you actually come round and fix it yourself?" "I would." "I am fitting two tomorrow, so I can fit Ian in as well." "They've all been filmed without their knowledge, apart from Liam Fox, who didn't know he was being recorded when he called" "Ricky is businessmen fat and lazy." "According to the Mirror, a man has claimed to have footage of a ghost when his trousers started to move of their own accord." "When asked..." "Time now for the" "Missing Words round..." "Which this week features, as its guest publication Scaffmag, It's a great magazine ?" "they do set the bar very high." "Ian and Tim, you get the first five, and we start with..." "Using an impact wrench." "This article details advice from the National access and scaffolding confederation, highlighting a considered list of arguments about which is the more efficient impact wrench." "One of the entries puts the counterargument:" "One of the entries puts the counterargument: unless shoppers have actually bought something." "Cigarettes, mobile top-ups and scratchcards." "Hang on, that's three of my five-a-day." "Next:" "Accidentally signal to an enemy U-boat in the harbour." "Entire plot of last of the summer Wine." "Pose no threat to the scaffolding industry." "The highly credible Lib Dem result in Witney." "About mustard." "The first time I had one of those, I assumed it was a niche adult website." "Of course we mainly brought up wrapping to share this!" "APPLAUSE And that is why we won the referendum!" "He's doing his Sam Allardyce impression, look!" "It's a terrible moment for me, because I've just changed my opinion about" "Brexit." "So, the final scores are, Ian and Tim at two, and Paul and" "Chris have eight." "APPLAUSE" "On which note, we say thank you to our panellists." "I leave you with news that is, are arriving in Brussels for a mini break, one woman gets a nasty surprise as she tries to change her pounds into Euros." "At London Zoo, after the recent unsuccessful escape attempt by a gorilla, bets are being laid as to who will try next." "As the Foreign Secretary arrives to brief the Queen on important matters, he finds it strange that there is no answer, no matter how often he rings the doorbell." "Good night!" "I'm investigating a worldwide illegal ivory trade that continues despite a ban imposed over 25 years ago." "This scene's being played out all over Africa." "Who's doing the killing, and who's doing the buying and selling?"