"Robert set me up." "I mean, you don't give your girlfriend of two years a little velvet box for her birthday and not have it be an engagement ring!" "Oh, Amy, I don't have any chocolate, but bite the heads off these animal crackers." "Thanks." "So, what was in the box?" "Oh, one of those beautiful pearl" " we're-never-getting-married necklaces." " Oh." "You just gotta give it time." "You and Robert will get married eventually." "No." "We talked about it." "You know... when he asked me why I threw the velvet box at his head." "He told me, "I still don't know what I want." " It's not you, it's me."" " Oh, God." ""It's not you, it's me."" "That's on the "Guys' Greatest Hits" album." "So I broke up with him." "Again?" "On your birthday?" "Why not?" "I came into this world alone." "Oh, Amy." "Oh, sweetie." "No, it's my fault." "I keep falling for the wrong guys." "This is my pattern." "Your pattern used to be falling for guys who were gay." "They didn't start out gay." "They became gay after going out with me." "Well, at least it wasn't that this time." "As far as we know." "Yeah right!" "Maybe Robert is gay." "No." "Are you serious?" "Think about it." "He color-coordinates his clothes, he can dance, he's certainly very attached to his mother." "And he didn't pressure me to sleep with him when I wasn't ready that whole first year." "Yeah, but then you did sleep with... oh, this is ridiculous." "Robert likes women, he was married once." "Yeah, I know, he started out straight, but I turn them." "I'm the spatula." "I should never have fixed Amy and Robert up." "Hey, they had a good run." "Sometimes these things don't work out, you know?" "And sometimes they do." "21/2 child-bearing years" " off of Amy's life." " Yeah." "You know what I don't understand?" "That when I kiss your neck I'm not checking for ticks." "Robert is always saying that he wants what you have... a house, a wife, kids." "He's gonna end up spending the rest of his life going on date after date looking for love with strangers!" "Yeah." "I'm serious." "I think Robert needs to get some help." "He's got this big fear of commitment." "Is that what Amy thinks?" "No, Amy thinks he's gay." "Yeah, I'll bet she does." "What's that supposed to mean?" "Nothing, I just..." "I think it's funny how a woman always says, if a guy rejects her," ""Oh, he must be gay."" "You always reject me, and I don't call you a lesbian... every single time." "Is there a chance?" "That you're a lesbian?" "That your brother is gay." "No!" "Why, just 'cause he's not married?" "Why are we talking about this?" "You will do anything to avoid sex with me!" "I'm just saying, maybe he is, and maybe he doesn't know that he is." "He's definitely not, all right?" "He's my brother." "Oh, okay." "You know, can I tell you something?" "There are some men that won't even consider the possibility because it would be too devastating to their homophobic families." "Ooh, look at my big words!" "I'm just saying that even if Robert suspected that he might be that way, you could see how he would think it would be easier not even to deal with it, even if it meant ending up old and alone." "Wouldn't that be sad?" "You wanna see old and alone?" "What are you reading?" "The obituaries." "I beat all these guys." "Hey, I need to borrow your vacuum." "Hello, dear." "You're just in time for pancakes." "Hey, those are my pancakes." "Why can't he wait for the next batch?" "I love him." "Oh, boy, these are good!" "I've been sitting here a half an hour." "Tomorrow you're gonna read my obit:" ""Local Man Dies Waiting for Flapjacks."" ""Marie Barone Dances in Street."" ""Disaster Declared." "President to Visit Street."" "All right, where's the vacuum?" "Why, what's wrong with yours?" "Ehh, it's hanging on a curtain." "You were vacuuming?" "Yeah." "What?" "I help out around the house sometimes." "That's nice." "Do you dust too, with a little feather duster," "Nancy?" "You know, Dad, sometimes when you talk like that people could get offended." "Offended by what?" "Nothing nothing." "Forget about it." "What?" "Nothing, it's just... when you say Nancy, what are you implying exactly?" "That your name should be Nancy." "And when you say Nancy, that's your word for gay?" "Very well." "And you mean that as an insult?" "Yes, I believe I do." "Well, that's not nice." "That's why it's a good insult." "No, I mean, that's not nice to gay people." "You're right." "I'm sorry," "Mary." "Oh, forget it, Raymond." "Forget it, it's no use." "I've seen how your father acts in front of people who happen to be homosexual." "He's the same ass he is in front of us." "You know some homosexual people?" "Of course we do!" "My second cousin Frieda." " What?" " You knew that." "I most certainly did not." "Why do you think she never got married?" "Because she looks like a pit bull." "She even brought her girlfriend to our anniversary party." "That blue hair who ate all the meatballs?" "They've been together for years." "Midge." "And you have no problem with this?" "It would have been nice if she left some meatballs for the other guests, but I have no problems with the gay people." "What did you bring this up for?" "I didn't." "Last night Debra was saying that if someone in our family was gay..." "Was it Geoffrey?" " I told you about him." " Would you stop, Dad?" "Look at him." "He runs funny." "Oh." "We were talking about Robert." " Robert?" "!" " Robert's not gay, he's a policeman." "One of those Village People was a policeman." " Robert's not gay!" " Then why did you say he was?" " I didn't!" " Hey, you taught him all those songs." "What?" "We sang songs together." "# Somewhere over the rainbow... #" "Knock it off!" " What?" " That's how it starts!" "Oh, please!" "He's not gay!" "He's dating Amy." " Yeah, well..." " What?" " They broke up?" " Yes, but..." "They broke up?" "Why did they break up?" "I don't know, Ma." "This is the third time." " Oh my God." " Oh, come on, it's not because he's..." "I told you, it was too much mothering." "You're always hugging him!" "Did you ever hug him once?" "What the hell is happening here?" "!" "Nothing!" "Nothing is happening, Frank!" "Could you try to be mature for a second?" "He's still our son." "We need to understand..." "Could you both stop, please?" "Hello, everybody." "Robert." "It's fine with me if you're gay, dear." "Who told you I was gay?" " Raymond." " Ma!" "I didn't say that." "I didn't say anything." "He told us that you broke up with Amy again." "That means I'm not ready to get married." " It doesn't mean I'm gay!" " All right, sweetheart, have some pancakes." "I'm not gay!" "Tell them, Raymond." " He's not!" " Sit down, dear." "No, it's just..." "this thing with Amy was," "I couldn't commit right now." "I don't know what it is." "Maybe she's not the one for me." "Is it because she's a woman?" "Oh my God!" "Is there a gas leak in here?" "I just want to tell you that your father and I love you and we'll support you no matter what." "Right, Frank?" "I'll support you." "Thanks, Ma." "Even if you are gay." "Believe me, Robert, I did not say that you were gay." "Could we talk about something else, please?" "You of all people should understand, Frank." "What about that man in Korea?" "I told you never to mention that." "What?" "What happened in Korea?" "Nothing happened!" "We were in a foxhole." "It was cold and snowing." "We had to keep warm." "We huddled!" "You gotta survive, don't you?" "It lasted half a second!" "You see, dear?" "Your father understands." "Our coats were insufficient!" " It was huddle or die!" " Oh, shut up, Frank." "We're talking about Robert, and we're telling him that we will respect his choice." "It's not my choice!" "I know, dear." "Frieda says it's something you're born with." "Robert, just ignore 'em, that's all." "Ignore them?" "My parents think I'm gay." "So what?" "If they tell everyone they know, that's four people." "Thanks a lot, Raymond." "I didn't say you were, all right?" "It was a "what if."" "Like, "What if we were adopted?"" "It didn't really happen, but it's fun to think about." "Yeah, well, have your fun." "He has always been very sensitive." "He outranked me, I couldn't say no!" "# It's so nice #" "# To be back home #" "# Where I belong #" "# You're looking... #" "Robert." "I know you're in there." "I parked right behind you." "Then move your car." "I don't want to be late for my parade in the village." "Come on!" "I just wanna talk." "Go away." "Listen, I know you're not gay!" "Get in here!" "You don't think I'm gay?" "Then why was I outed at breakfast?" "Come on, you know Mom and Dad." "You say one thing, and they're off and running." "And what was that one thing?" "Robert's man-crazy?" "I wouldn't say that." "I'd say something like..." ""Robert has lovely little knick-knacks on his mantel."" "They are lovely." "Okay." "So what?" "I got them at an antique fair." "All right, whatever!" "Look, I was kidding." "I'm sorry that I talked to Mom and Dad." "I always am." "Well, no, listen, I never considered it, but look at me." "I'm divorced, breakups left and right." "I don't know, Raymond." "If the whole family thinks I am..." "Will you stop it?" "They don't think you're gay!" "They're just confused." "Maybe you shouldn't have worn that shirt today." "Oh, hey, I didn't buy this shirt." "Ma bought it for me." "Oh, look, this whole thing is Debra's fault." "She put the idea in my head that if you were gay..." "Debra thinks I'm gay too?" "!" "No!" "No one thinks you're gay!" "Except for maybe Amy." "Oh, only the woman I was sleeping with?" "Look, Amy's got nothing to compare it with." "She was a virgin when you met her." "Come on, you've got nothing to worry about." "Jeez." "Hey, Ray, let me ask you something." "Do you ever notice guys?" "What do you mean?" "Well, like if a guy is really cut, you know, when you're at the gym, you ever notice him?" "No." "Oh." "Do you?" "A little bit, yeah." "So what?" "So you notice him a little, so what?" " That's normal." " Then why don't you?" "All right..." "I notice a little!" "Like I noticed your knick-knacks." "It's something in the room, that's all." "It doesn't mean I got a thing for knick-knacks." "So you never wondered if you were?" "Every guy wonders if he is at some point." " You sure?" " Yeah yeah." "You wonder and then you see some breasts, you walk into a wall, and there you go." "So... when did you think about it?" " I don't know." "I don't remember." " You don't remember" " 'cause you never thought about it." " I thought about it." " When?" " 10th grade." "Go ahead." "Nothing, it's..." "Patrick Lopez wrote "You're a gay"" "in my yearbook, and I thought maybe I was." "Just because he wrote that?" "No, because Patrick Lopez was gay, and I thought he would know." "What if I don't know?" "You're not!" "Even if you were, it wouldn't be the end of the world." "You'd still be my brother." "My big homosexual brother." "That means a lot to me, Raymond." "Yeah yeah yeah." "I'm glad we had this talk." "This is nice." "I should be gay more often." "Hey, did you hear what Ma said?" " When?" " This morning." "She said that she would love and support me no matter what." "It's the nicest thing she ever said to me." "The runner-up was "You've got spinach in your teeth."" "I'll tell you one thing," "I would have made an excellent gay man." " What?" " Yeah, hear me out." "I always have problems with women, right?" "But you hang with a guy... there's no hassles." "You play some golf, you tell a joke..." "nobody's offended or you don't even have to talk at all, nobody cares." "We could sit and watch TV as long as we want, and nobody asks, "What are you thinking?"" "Maybe I'm gay." "Don't laugh so fast." "There was a sergeant on our force, a regular guy, just like you and me, who had no idea he was that way until his trip to Hawaii." "What do you mean?" "What happened?" "A guy rented him a boogie board, and a bell went off." "Today, they run a gift shop on Maui." "So what..." "what are you saying?" "We just haven't met Mr. Right?" "I don't know." "Debra and I were talking about going to Hawaii." "I wouldn't." "Robert, hey... you got someone in there?" "Yes, I do." "Never mind, I'll come back." "Oh, hey, Ray." "Yeah, hi there, Dad." "What are you doing here?" "I gotta get your mother off my back." "She's killing me over this." ""He's your son." "Why can't you be a person?"" "So I'm here." "I'm talking to you." " Okay?" " Okay." "But there are certain things" "I don't want to talk about." "Okay." "So, you wanna... watch a game or something?" "Yes!" "Yes, the game." "The game is good." "How about you, Ray, you wanna watch?" "Yeah yeah, put the game on." "So... this is all right." "Just the guys hanging out." "Dad, let me ask you something." "You ever been to Hawaii?" "Oh, yeah, I love Hawaii." "It's beautiful there." "Me and a few of the guys from my unit had to stop over there on the way back from Korea." "Boy, did we see some action!" "I got it." "Hey, how's it going?" "I just need you to sign for this." "I'm gonna need that back." " Thanks a lot." "See ya." " Mmm-hmm." "What did you get?" "There you go."