"Hello?" "I'm afraid our time is up." "Oh, okay." "I just wish I knew what to do." "I mean, maybe I should cut the cord completely." "Move out of the house and get a job." "Well, that's a possibility." "You could move out and support yourself." "Sure. maybe I could work in my father's store." "Look who's here, Bob- your mother." " Oh, hi, Mom." " Hello, Sonny, dear." "Dr. Hartley, is this really your mother?" "Yes, it is." "Mom, this is Michelle Nardo." "My psychologist's mother." "That's really heavy." " Nice to meet you too." " You raised a wonderful son." "Well, thank you, but it wasn't easy." "He was quite a little scamp." " Really?" " Oh, he was a frisky little dickens... especially when it was time for his bath." "Everybody in town knew when it was bath time at the Hartleys'." "Oh, the screen door would slam... and out would run Sonny into the street stark naked." "Really?" "It's hard to picture Dr. Hartley" "Michelle, do you want to catch your elevator?" "Oh, yeah." "Well, bye, Mrs. Hartley." "You're a wonderful mother." "I bet I'd be a different person today if my parents had let me run around naked." "Well, Mom, can I treat you to lunch?" "Oh, no, dear." "I really can't stay." "But there is something very important I'd like to tell you." "It'll only take just a minute." "Oh, sure." "Um, Carol, no calls, no interruptions." "Right, Bob." "You frisky little dickens, you." "very funny." "My, my, Sonny, that couch certainly looks worn." "Yeah, I know, Mom." "But in my business, it just means you're doing very well." "Oh." "Robert, as you know, there's a long-standing tradition in our family... where the mother makes all of the important announcements." "Yes, I know, Mom." "I remember in the summer of 1945... you called us in the living room and announced the war was over." "But this announcement is even more important than the war." "It's about your sister Ellen." "She's 32 years old now." "Mom, I don't think they're gonna stop the presses for that." "As you know, for the past five years... she and John Tobin have been, dating together." "Well, at long last, the date is over." "And now it gives me great pride... to announce the marriage of Ellen Marie Hartley to Mr. John Emil Tobin." "Uh-huh." "Uh-huh?" "You're not even surprised." "Well, Ellen called me last night and told me." "Oh." "Did you know John personally wanted you to be his best man?" " Yes." "Yes, I did." " Oh." "Did you know her silver pattern is called Rosalie?" "No." "No, I didn't." "Good." "Then that's my announcement." "Bob, if they can play football in this kind of weather... how come they can't play baseball?" " Emily, are you serious?" " Yeah." "Well, the pitching is different." "I mean, you know, to control the" "And, you know, it cuts your" "It cuts your visibility and" "Plus, you know, with the guys sliding into the bases... you know, they could" "I don't know why they do it, but they do it." "Well, cheer up, honey." "It's only a game." "Emily, do you think it'll let up?" "Well, maybe a little." "Oh, there's no hope." "We're rained out." "Well, you gotta admit, Bob, I picked a perfect day... to give your sister a shower." "Yeah, and I'm stuck here." "In a few minutes, a horde of women... led by my aunt Jessica are gonna come crashing- crashing through that door loaded with Tupperware." "Well, honey, why don't you go in the bedroom and watch a game on television?" "There aren't any games on television." "Why don't you go in the den and catch up on your reading?" "All all caught up." "Want me to give you a quarter so you can go to the movies?" "Wait a minute." "Now, this is my house." "It's my sister." "I mean, I can stay wherever I want." "Well, fine." "But, could wherever you wanna stay be over there?" "I mean, nobody's gonna mind, right?" "Of course not." "As a matter of fact, you can help." "Well, how can I help?" "Well, you could answer the door." "Well, that's a start." "Then I can build my way up to more important things." "Hi, Bob!" " Hello, Ellen." " Oh, wow!" " You look just terrific." " Oh, thanks." "So do you." " Oh, Emily!" " Hi, Ellen." "It's so good to see you." "It's nice you're all so glad to see each other." "Oh!" "Oh, I" "I didn't even know you were there, Mom." "We're glad to see you too." " Hi, Mom." " thank you, dear." "Wow." "You know, it's been almost a year, I think, since we've seen each other." "At least." " How are your antiques?" " Oh, John's fine." " Oh, Ellen!" " John's not that old." " He's as old as Bob." "Well, so you finally decided to go ahead with it, huh?" " Oh, yeah." "Emily, it was so romantic." " Yeah?" "Yeah, I was in the back of the antique store, stripping a Welsh hutch... and John came in, and he took my hands, and he looked in my eyes and said..." ""Do you wanna go ahead with it or not?"" "Oh, I mean, it's really hard to say no when you're bowled over like that, you know?" "I remember when your father proposed to me." "He wasn't even there." "Yeah, but he left a note." ""Dear Martha, Let's get hitched next Sunday." "Be back Saturday." "Gone fishing." "Yours very truly, Herb Hartley."" "Oh, I just turn to mush every time I tell that story." "Yeah, we all do." "Well, that's the girls." " Yeah." " Sonny, don't you have someplace to go..." " something to do?" " No." "Mom, Bob can stay." "He'll probably enjoy it." " Well, here we go." " Okay." " Hi." " Hello, hello!" "Let me see now." "Emily, darling, put the packages on that table right there." "All right." " That'll be just fine." "And, Robert, you may hang up all the coats, all the hats, and take these wet umbrellas." "Please." "You wanna give me my quarter for the movies now?" " Bye-bye." " Bye." "Thanks." " Bye." " Bye." "I'm sorry." "Howard, you look like a salmon trying to get upstream." " What is this, a rummage sale?" " No, it's a shower." "A shower?" "Bob, what are you doing at a shower?" "What does anybody do at a shower?" "You swap recipes, you gossip about the people that aren't here... and you compare your wedding nights." "Sounds like fun." "I, Oh, I'm sorry." "I didn't know you had company." "Oh, Howard, this is my sister, Ellen." " Hi, Howard." " Hi." "Ellen." "Gee, that's a pretty name." "I heard Bob had a sister, but I didn't know how much." "I mean, there are sisters, and there are sisters." "Bob, can I talk to you a minute?" "Sure, Howard." "Excuse me." "Excuse me." " Bob?" " What?" "I love her." "Howard, you don't know what you're saying." " No, I really love her!" " Howard, shh." "Don't say that." "I've never felt this way before." "Not even with Lois." "I mean, with Eileen, the way she looked at me" " Howard, Ellen." " Right." "The way Ellen looked at me, the way she- the way she laughed... the way she kind of tilted her head." "Howard, you can't fall in love with someone you just met 30 seconds ago." "Why not?" "Well, you don't know anything about each other." "You don't know if you have anything in common." "I mean, you don't know if she's attracted to you." "And the main thing you don't know is she's getting married next Sunday." " Sunday?" " That's right, Howard." "Boy, I better work fast." "Didn't Ellen and Howard look cute together last night?" "You know, Emily, I think you've sunk to a new low." "I mean, you've been matchmaker to a lot of people... but never to somebody who's six days away from the altar." "You know, Bob, whenever I look at a snapshot of John and Ellen together... it's like that test I give my third-graders you know," ""What's wrong with this picture?"" "Well, I think it's John." "Emily, I don't think it's really your problem." "It's just that John doesn't sound right for Ellen." "I mean, she's so full of life and energy, you know?" "She's just so full of" " I was gonna say pep." " Morning." "Hi, dear." "You want me to make you some breakfast?" "Bacon, eggs, toast, jam?" "Emily, no." "Emily, please." "Just some coffee- black coffee in a plain black mug." "Okay." "I'll see what I can do." "You always were a slow starter, weren't you?" "Mm, I know." "Every morning when I wake up, it takes my face a half an hour to fall back into place." "Look closely, and you can see the muscles kind of shifting and settling." "Do I have to?" " Well, here you are." " Oh, thanks, Emily." "Thanks." "Thanks again for the terrific shower." "Oh, don't be silly." "It was fun for all of us." "Yeah, I'm glad I was there." "Otherwise, I would've been one of the hundreds who was raked over the coals last night." "Don't worry." "I told all about you five years ago when Emily had her shower." "Yeah, that's right." "But I married you anyhow." "Because I love you so much." "Just the way Ellen loves John, right?" "Emily." "Huh?" "You wanna know if I'm in love with John." "Well," "Emily, I am." "He's good to me, and, and we're comfortable together." "You know, I figured as long as I'm planning on having children, I might as well be married." "Gee, and Mom always thought you were weird." "Yeah, but the best thing about John is that... all he ever wants for breakfast is black coffee." "Oh, well, those are some good reasons, but" "Emily, I have to catch a train." "What are your plans?" " Oh, I've gotta go too." " Good." "Now listen, if you want breakfast later, I left some cold cereal." " We'll see you after work." "Bye, darling." " All right." "Thanks." "Bye-bye." "And just don't wander around the building until your face settles." "Yeah." "Bye." "Who is it?" " It's me." " Oh." "Hi, Howard." "Hi." "Where's Bob and Emily?" "Howard, you just missed them." "They just went to work." " Didn't you see them go?" " No." "I usually hear them." "I must have been taking a shower or something." "Gee, can I do anything for you?" "Well, I was going to take down the garbage." "I thought it would be nice if I took down their garbage too." "You know, the energy crisis." "Howard, do you always dress like that to take the garbage down?" "Well, you never know who you're gonna run into." "Yeah." "Oh, Howard, forgive the way I look." "Forgive?" "I mean, you look beautiful." "I mean, you really gotta look beautiful to look that natural." "I mean, you're naturally beautiful." "I mean, you're beautifully natural." "I mean, you're really beautiful." "Well, would you- would you like a little breakfast?" "No, no breakfast." "I'll have some black coffee." "Oh, really?" "Yeah, I just had a big stack of pancakes just swimming in syrup." "Pancakes swimming in syrup." "That makes me sick." "Yeah, me too." "All I can ever choke down in the morning is cold cereal." "Oh, that'd be fine." "I like that." "Oh, okay." "Howard, tell me, do you always make yourself such a big breakfast- you know, pancakes swimming in syrup?" "Well, when you're alone, you've gotta be resourceful and self-sufficient." "Here." "Here, let me help you with that." "There you go." " That was really nice." " It was nothing." "You know, you know what I hate doing alone?" "I hate ironing alone." "Ironing is so lonely." "You're right." "Ironing is lonely." "You know, Ellen, I, I like you a lot." "Howard, please." "I like you a lot too, but" "I mean, you're really a nice guy, but" " What are you doing tonight?" " I'm having a wedding rehearsal." " What time do you get off?" " About nine" "Howard, this is crazy." "I'm getting married on Sunday, and John's coming into town tomorrow night." " Want me to pick him up at the airport?" " No." "What are you doing this morning?" "I mean, after breakfast?" " I"m picking up my wedding dress." " Can I drive you?" " No." "No, I thought I'd take a cab." " No, no." "No cabs." "Howard, you must have something to do today." "No, no." "I'm as free as the breeze." "All I have to do is make a call to Mom and Dad and cancel." "Oh, is it anything important?" "No, no." "It's their golden wedding anniversary." "I'll get 'em next time." "Carol, you've been working at your desk all day." "Why don't you go out for lunch?" "Because I love my job, Bob." "And because I'm loyal and dedicated, and I find my work inspirational." "And because I have a date, and I'm taking the afternoon off." "Oh." "Hey, Bob!" "Dodgers are in town." "The weather's perfect." "What do you say we take the afternoon off and use our rain checks?" "I'd love to, Jerry, but I'm gonna have to take a rain check on the rain check." " I have a patient this afternoon." " Mm, no you don't, Bob." " Mr. Gianelli called and canceled." " That's great." " Well, I'm ready." "I've got a raincoat and a rain check." " Okay." " Oh, hi, Jer." "Hi, Bob." " Hi, Howard." "Howard, what are you doing?" "Excuse me." "Bob, can I speak to you a minute?" " Just a second, Jerry." "Wait for me." " Right." "What is it, Howard?" "Well, it's personal." " Jerry, just two minutes." " Sure." "Wait for me." "I'll be right with you." "What is it, Howard?" "It's about your sister." "Jerry, why don't you go on without me." "I'm sorry." "That's okay, Bob." "I don't mind going to the game alone." "I'm not doing anything." "Carol, no calls, no interruptions." " Oh, what if your sister calls?" " I'll take it!" "Howard, you look awful." "You look like you've been up half the night." " All night." "Thinking of a way." " A way to what?" "To put what is about to be joined together asunder." "I've only got 38 hours." "You're certainly taking it right down to the wire, Howard." "I've gotta do something, or it's gonna be too late." "It's gonna be all over." "Howard, how can something that never happened be all over?" "What do you mean it never happened?" "I was with her all day yesterday." "I helped her pick out her wedding dress." "Picked up the bridesmaids' outfits." "I picked up the tuxedos." "Yours looked great." "She showed me her silver pattern, and it was called Rosemary." " Rosalie." " Right." "And then today" " Wow, we had breakfast together and had lunch together." "We picked up the rings." "Then when I took her home, I had this tremendous urge to kiss her good afternoon." "Bob, that's just not the end of it." " I have this tremendous feeling toward her" " Howard." "Howard." "Let's not forget that, you know, we're talking about my sister." "I'm sorry." "Bob." "Sorry, Bob." "Howard, maybe it's just a physical thing." "You know, maybe you think you're in love... but what you really love is, you know... her, her body." "Her body?" "Her body?" "I love her mind." "I love her soul." "I love her guts." "Howard, I really know how you feel." "Good." "Now all we have to do is get rid of John." "We?" "Yeah, we gotta get rid of John so I can talk sense into her." "Howard, let me talk some sense into you." "Ellen and John Tobin have been going together for five years." "They love each other." "I mean, all the plans are made." "There's nothing I can do about it." "There's nothing you can do about it." "I mean, even if I wanted to, I couldn't do anything about it, and I don't." " Okay, here's my plan." " Howard." "It's over." "You mean, that's it?" "It's over?" "That's it, Howard." "You're just- just gonna have to face it." "Well, I guess I'lI just have to face it like a man then." "Come in." " Hi." " Hi, Emily." "Everything, okay?" "Yeah, everything's okay." "I didn't have anything else to do... so I thought I might as well catch up on my ironing." "Oh, well, I thought you might like some company." " Thanks." "Can I get you a drink?" " No." " Instant tea?" " Mm-mmm." " Instant coffee?" " No." "A quart of bourbon?" "No, thank you, Howard." "Howard." "Is there anything you want to, talk about?" "No, there's nothing on my mind." "Nothing at all." "So tonight's John's big stag party, huh?" "Yeah, that's where Bob is." "What's the bride doing while the groom is cavorting in drunken revelry?" "She's at her mother's house, Howard." "Think I should give her a call?" "No, I don't think so." "She's packing for her honeymoon." "Oh, right, the honeymoon." "Think tomorrow night at this time they'll be" "How can she do this to me?" "Oh, Howard, a week ago she didn't even know you." "I know." "I know." "But I just can't get over her." "She was so wonderful." "Howard, you will get over her, and you will find another girl just as wonderful." "Yeah." "That's easy for you to say." "You've already got somebody wonderful." "You've got Ellen's brother." "But I'm all alone, and it's rough being alone." "Oh, I know, Howard." " Emily?" " Yeah." "Would you mind?" "I want to be alone." "Oh, sure." "Of course, Howard." "Now listen, you know..." " If you need anything, you know" " Thanks." "I'll be right there, just" " Good night." " Bye, Howard." "Come in." " Hi, Howard." " Ellen!" " Oh" " Oh, hi, Howard." " Hi." "Well, I, I called it off." " What?" " I'm not getting married." " Really?" " Really." " Was it because of me?" " Oh, yes." "It was all because of you." " Really?" " Really." " More tea, Mom?" " Oh, not right now. thank you." "I, I have an important announcement to make." "As you know, the marriage between Ellen Marie and John Emil Tobin... has been, postponed indefinitely... and John has gone back to Cleveland to devote his full time to his corporation." "We know that, Mom." "What you didn't know is that there will be a wedding anyway." "To avoid the embarrassment... caused by canceling the church and the guests and all.." "your father and I are going to renew our vows at the scheduled time." " We knew that too, Mom." " You did?" "Yeah, Dad called us last night from the lake..." " and he told us." " He did?" "Yeah, he also said he might be a few minutes late because the bass are biting." "Well, you knew that, didn't you, Mom?" "Oh, yes, I knew that." "Of course I knew that."