"[ Cheers and applause ]" "Last week, Mark Zuckerberg posted this picture of himself to his Facebook page." "[ Sighs ] This is proof that if you work hard enough, you too can be worth billions of dollars and still look like the cool teaching assistant." "[ Laughter ]" "This picture wasn't a big deal until a keen Twitter user noticed the camera on his computer was covered with tape." "Hey, Mark, a piece of tape over your laptop camera isn't cool." "You know what's cool?" "A billion pieces of tape over your laptop camera." "But seriously, who can blame the Zuck for wanting privacy?" "He's only the guy responsible for making all of our personal information available toeveryone." "[ Laughter ]" "I just love that Mark Zuckerberg is using the same security measures so hackers don't catch him jerking off that I use to ignore my Check Engine light." "[ Laughter ]" "Love it." "I don't masturbate in front of my computer, but I'm gonna start covering my camera just so I can continue eating cottage cheese in my bra while watching bird documentaries on Netflix." "I'mma do me!" "I'mma Nikki Glaser, and this is "Not Safe"!" "♪♪" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "[ Laughs ] Welcome to the show." "Let's meet the people I'll be perving out with tonight." "She successfully wooed her first crush by using tactics from the book" ""How to Win Friends and Influence People."" "It's Maria Bamford!" " Thank you, thank you!" "[ Cheers and applause ] Yes!" "And at 17, he lost his virginity to a hippy waitress who was 10 years older than him." "It's Marc Maron!" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Oh, Marc." " Yeah." " Wow." "Yeah." "A lot of hair, a lot of panic." "[ Laughter ]" "Well, in case you haven't heard, there's an election coming up, and I don't know about you, but I am so excited to vote with my vagina." "[ Laughter ]" "That's what we have to do." "On the one side, we have Hillary, the first woman to capture a major party nomination for president." "And on the other side, we have Donald, the most sexual president nominee ever." "He referred to my hands," ""If they're small, something else must be small." "I guarantee you there's no problem."" "What's the favorite thing you have in common with your father?" "Either real estate or golf." "Donald, with your daughter?" "Well, I was going to say sex." "Do I look like a president?" "How handsome am I, right?" "I've said that if Ivanka weren't my daughter, perhaps I'd be dating her." "Genital." "[ Laughter ]" "He's definitely gonna win the genital election." "Um..." "Do people know he's running for president?" "I know." "I mean, I love how he said, you know," ""I can guarantee there's no problem."" "Did not say it wasn't small, though." "He did not say." "[ Laughter ]" ""I have a lot of tools available to me."" ""I know how to work this little thing."" "[ Laughter ]" "You're so right." "He didn't say it was big." "No." "Do you think he's so popular because he's such, like, a bro when he says stuff like that?" "He reminds me of, like, I was in a terrible relationship." "And if your boyfriend says anything like," ""Hey, babe, I just want to let you know I would never hit you,"" "you're gonna be getting a beatdown." "[ Laughter, applause ]" "Brace for impact." "Papa's coming home." "We're in an abusive relationship with him." " Yeah, terrible, terrible." " Yeah." "I understand why people like him." "Yeah." "Like, and I don't, but I get it." "Totally." "'Cause if you've ever said this with your whole body..." ""[bleep] you!"..." "You kind of like him." "Yes. [ Laughter, applause ]" "And, also, like, if you have a little bit of bully in you, just a little bit, even..." "You know who you are..." "If you got a little bit in you..." "Yeah." "When Trump talks, part of you goes, "Yeah [bleep] them."" "Yeah, like, you know, it registers in that very hateful place that we all kind of have." "But that's when your brain's supposed to step in and go," ""No, no, no, no." "You know, that's what got us kicked out of high school." "Why don't you just make the right decision?"" "[ Laughter ]" "Yeah, and you don't..." "It's like, yeah, it is like high school." "Like, you don't want him to be the president of the student union." "You want Hillary." "Otherwise, there's gonna be no prom." "Right." "Like, he's not gonna get it done." "He's the one promising, like, vending machines." " Oh, yeah." " And all the kids are like," ""Ooh, there are gonna be vending..." "and a pool!"" "No." "He's gonna have a kegger at Paul Pederson's house when his parents are out of town, and then that's it, and only some people get to go to that." "[ Laughter ]" "How is it possible that we're living in America, and a man who's running for president just said," ""You know, I'd have sex with my daughter,"" "and no one is saying like, "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "Wait a minute"?" "Right." ""You want to be president, right?"" "What the hell happened to where there's, like, any morons in this country like, "That's the guy I want." "He's speaking my mind."" "[ Laughter ]" ""He's an everyman." "What guy doesn't want to have sex with his daughter?" "I love that guy." - "He's just being honest!"" " Yeah, right. "Just be honest!" - "Being honest!"" ""I'd let him [bleep] mydaughter."" "[ Laughter ]" "Well, I wanted to find out what Trump supporters saw in him, besides those teensy, perfect-for-fisting fingers, so I put on my riot gear and I headed down to my first and last Trump rally." "You look like me if I was a Trump supporter." "Do you love America?" "Sure." "Look at my hat." "I..." "I don't know what I was thinking." "Who are you voting for?" "T-r-u-m-p, Trump." "Great." "Thank you for spelling it." "Go, Trump." "His name's not Hillary." "Neither is Bernie's." "Yeah, but he's a socialist." "Okay." "What does that mean?" "He just..." "His..." "It's just not..." "Like, he's just not good." "Like, I don't like him at all." "Okay." "♪ Trumpa, Trumpa, Trump, Donald, Donald Trump now ♪" "So, we're taking about the role of sex in politics, and I want to know, do you think Trump is attractive?" "Yes." "Good-looking guy." "Cleans up well." "Do you think that matters in a candidate?" "No." "Do you think Hillary is attractive?" "No." "Do you think it matters for her?" "Maybe." "What about Hillary?" "If she were a man, perhaps a 5." "A woman, we'll give her a 3." "If she was a man, she'd be hotter?" "Do you think Trump is an attractive man?" "You know what?" "I have never even thought about it." "Well, do you think Hillary is an attractive woman?" "I do not." "You have considered that?" "I have considered that." "♪ Trump's hot!" "What kind of sex do you think Trump has?" "Can you imagine somebody come and ask you what kind of sex you like?" "I like, uh..." "No!" "Don't answer me!" "Anal, doggy." "Don't answer me." "Don't answer me!" "Do you think he has sex or makes love?" "Probably number two." "He probably does number two?" "Probably number two." "He's doing number two all over Melania." "She's so beautiful, it could be number one, as well." "Okay, yeah." "You're right, you're right." "Who will you be voting for in November?" "Donald Trump." "I've already endorsed him." "What are you?" "I'm running for the United States Senate in California." "Would you perform a sex act on Trump if it meant he would for sure win?" "I wouldn't." "I wouldn't even answer the question." "Would you just kiss it?" "No." "I don't think this is appropriate." "Right, right." "Would you kiss Donald Trump on the penis if it meant ISIS would disappear?" "Easily, yeah." "Oh, to get rid of ISIS, of course." "Would you go down on Hillary?" " Oh, no." " Oh, God, no." "I am not a Hillary supporter, so..." "Okay." "♪ Tr-Tr-Tr-Trump, Trump, Trump, Trump!" "♪" "He's had four wives..." "Three wives, four wives?" "I can't..." "Uh..." "Four bankruptcies, three wives." "Sorry." "Okay, but you're still into him, even though he's gonna build that wall and he thinks Mexicans are rapists." "He might change his mind." "He does that a lot." "That's true." "So, do you want to make America horny again?" "Why not?" "Are you ready to make America horny again?" "I'm always horny." "Make America horny again." "Make America horny again." "Make America horny again." "Who wants to make America horny again?" "!" "[ Crowd cheering ]" "Yeah, yeah, yeah!" "Yeah!" "Make America horny again!" "Trump would hate you." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Yeah." "Guys were quick to blow Trump, huh?" "Yes!" "Almost like they were waiting to say it." ""Oh, thank God she asked!" "Oh, thank God!" "Yes, we would, we would." "It doesn't even matter about ISIS." "We'd do it now anyway."" " No." "Yeah." "The thing I learned from talking to Trump supporters was that they really love hats." "They were awful." " None of us are made of stone." "And especially a free hat." "Come on." "I know." "Oh, my God." "People will do anything for a free hat." "And they were so willing just to be like, "Yeah!"" "Like, you could have changed the campaign slogan to "Let's make America horny again."" " They were onboard." " They were like, "This is good." "This is gonna work."" " Yes." "Aah!" "Okay, we'll be right back, guys." "Yeah!" "[ Applause ]" "What is cheating?" "You know, for some people, it's flirting with a co-worker." "For others, it's eating a big, old butt." "[ Laughter ]" "Most people are pretty cool." "I just snotted." "Everyone has their own idea of what cheating is, so I went to Las Vegas, the capital of monogamy, and asked people, "Is it cheating?"" "Yeah, honey." "What's your definition of cheating?" "Anything." "What I don't know does not hurt me." "Any touching, any looking." "Anything physical is cheating." "Anything mental, not so much." "Any intimacy, like, that's the word." "Like, I'd be psycho, crazy." "We're married, she'd [bleep] another dude..." "I mean, that's cheating to me." "We separated." "[ Speaks indistinctly ]" "If she text-messages anybody besides me that has a penis, she's cheating." "Do it." "Do something." "I will go off." "He was messing with someone else." "So what am I supposed to do?" "Just stand on the sideline and be a cheerleader?" "No." "Oh, if he untagged photos, it's done." "Not happening." " It's over." "Getting a massage with a happy ending..." "that's cheating." "Yes." "Getting a massage with a happy ending is cheating." "Sticking your tongue in somebody's ear..." "not cheating." "If the penis touches the vagina, then it's cheating." "Watching porn's not cheating." "It's keeping it interesting." "Kissing a girlfriend is cheating." "No, kissing another girl is not cheating." "That's allowed." " What?" "!" "[ Laughter, applause ]" "How do you define cheating?" "Me, I think that, you know [bleep] another guy is cheating." "Okay. [ Laughs ]" "I got the feeling that guy might have watched, you know?" "[ Laughter, applause ]" "[ Southern accent ] "I watched her do it." "It was kind of bad."" "[ Laughter ]" ""But I knew him." "He was my friend, so we had to be cool about it."" "[ Laughter ]" "Oh, my God." "Yeah, they're gonna make it." "I don't think it's cheating as long as everybody knows what it... you know, that you both have a mutual understanding." "And it's not like..." "I mean, 'cause there's tons of people" "I understand in Portland who are having... multiple people using their bikes, as well as..." "[ Laughter ]" "No." "Just to send out a general vibe all the time." "Sure." "'Cause some people, especially entertainers, are vibing." "A lot of vibing." " So much vibing." "And it's fun, and it seems like it's fun." "Look at this vibing." "Holy shit!" "And, uh..." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Yeah." "Exactly." "That was pretty good, Marc." "[ Laughs ]" "I know what you mean." " 'Cause I know I did it." " Yes." "And it can just be confusing to other people, and then, all of a sudden, the person's like," ""Oh, I thought you were into me or you were available."" "And then they're like [ Chuckles ]" ""No." "Why would you think that?"" " Yes." " "Why?"" ""What's your problem?" "God!"" "Blue balls of relationship." "[ Laughter, applause ] Exactly." ""My pussy."" "You know when you're doing something bad." " Yes." " Isn't, like, flirting..." "Aren't people just sort of people?" "You know what I mean?" "Like, is my slope too slippery?" "I mean, like, if you get a little juice, you know, from sort of like..." ""Oh, really?" "Hey, how you doing?" - You need it sometimes." " Huh?" " Yeah." " What?" " Yeah." "It is bad or good?" "Yeah." "No, I feel like you need it, yeah." "Yeah, right?" "Like, it's for your self-esteem!" "Okay, what about this, though?" "Okay, I had an boyfriend..." "Ex-boyfriend now..." "But we are long-distance, and he got caught making out with someone else." "But then he was like, "I was drunk." "I was so drunk." "I thought it was you."" "Do you think that..." " What?" "I mean, of course it was bullshit, but at the time, I was like, "Oh, my God."" "Like, I was flattered by it." "I was like, "Was she pretty?"" "Oh!" "That's the most romantic thing." "Oh, God." "I just wanted to be loved." "I would have accepted anything." " Yeah, I know." "Yeah." "It was a bad point in my life." " That was a bold defense." " Yeah." "You know, that was like..." "You got to sell that shit." "How is that the thing he came up with?" "And she was black, and it was like, "What?"" "[ Laughter, applause ]" "Like, I found, like, the person who was the most paranoid about me cheating on them, I had a boyfriend who would say," ""We've got to leave right now, because I can tell you're looking at that guy."" "I'm like, "What?"" "Like, they are the one who's actually cheating." "Yes." "Like, he was cheating all the time, like, hooking it up with, you know, waitresses at comedy clubs." "And I was like, "Oh!" "Oh!"" "Yes." "But he was so pissed off at me all the time, thinking..." "And I was like, "No." "I don't know." "I can barely make eye contact with people."" "[ Laughter ]" " Guilty man." " Yeah, yeah." "Yeah, hating himself, but he's gonna make you pay for it." "Exactly, yeah." ""How could you dare do that?" "'Cause I'm doing it secretly."" ""Right now." Yeah." "Marc, do you have any cheating experiences to share?" "I do." "I've been cheated on." "I met my second wife through a cheating situation." "Mm-hmm." "Well, I think that sometimes you..." "I've cheated on someone just because I'm, like," "I want to get out of that relationship." "You just want to burn it to the ground, and you're too chickenshit to, like, say it to them." " Right." " So you cheated on them, and then you're like, "Oh, I'm [bleep] outside of this,"" "and then you can move on." "Like, you're like, "Oh, my pussy is good for everyone."" "Or my failing, I was like..." "I did it once in high school." " Yeah." " And I felt like," ""Oh, I tell him what a horrible person I am, and then he'll leave." And he did." "Yes." "It's sad when they don't, when they're like, "I forgive you!"" "You're like, "What?" "!"" ""I murdered your dog."" "Yeah, the big sales pitch that you're shitty." "Like, "You don't want to be with me."" ""You deserve better." -"I mean, I'm an asshole, right?"" "What happens is I think that there's a lot of people that meet other people while they're with people, and it ends up okay." " Yeah." " You know, it happens." "There's only a few ways humans [bleep] up, you know?" "So when I was with my first wife, I wasn't happy." "I was not in a good place." "And I met this person who helped me..." "helpful." " And..." " She cradled the balls..." "Yeah." "[ Laughter and applause ]" "while working the shaft." "Exactly." "[ Laughter ]" "And that's the kind of help I needed at that time." "A difficult time for me." " We'll be right back." " Whoo!" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Tonight, I want to talk about the world's oldest profession, dog walkers." "[ Laughter ] Just kidding." "Prostitution." "Prostitution is only legal and regulated in one state here in the U.S...." "Nevada..." "But it's actually fairly common and a legal practice in so many places around the world, including the United Kingdom," "France, Canada, Australia," "India, Spain, most of Central America," "South America, and Charlie Sheen's house." "Like any issue, there are pros and cons to the legalization debate, so I went to Nevada to talk with a pro." "Harlow." "Yes." "So, you are an escort." "Yes." "What do you like to be called?" "I think most people like to be called an escort." "Okay." "But my brother calls me on the phone and says, "Hey, hooker." "How you doing?"" "What advice would you give to someone wanting to get into the business... me?" "You?" "[ Laughs ]" "I didn't say that." "I would say think about your safety always." "'Cause you're having to do everything undercover." "Mm-hmm." "You have no protection a lot of times." "Right." "You can't call the cops, 'cause the cops will bust you." "Will arrest you, yeah." "What's something you can see about a guy that you're like, "Unh-unh"?" "I usually go off of how they talk to me in a text message or e-mail." "Text message?" "You can tell?" "Yeah." "They ask, "Are you GFE?" "Are you full-service?"" "What's GFE?" "GFE is..." "Girlfriend experience." "Yep." "And then there's PSE, which is porn-star experience." "If they use those kinds of abbreviations, you know what?" "That's something that, like, police do." "But it would be nice to have a heads up about the girlfriend experience so that you can show up with no makeup on and just be like, "Are we doing this?" "Ugh!"" "Do you ever have orgasms?" "Absolutely." "Do you fake orgasms?" "Absolutely." "[ Laughter ]" "You need security everywhere you go, girl." "If I was, like, could snap my fingers and make your life as easy as possible and as safe as possible, what could I do?" "Independent girls don't have bodyguards, 'cause that bodyguard will go to jail for trafficking and prostitution." "So they are risking a lot, too." "They are risking a felony." "So if it was legal, you could have a bodyguard and pay him out of your company." "Exactly." "There's so much money in this, and it could be just like opening up the dispensaries." "It could really benefit if you tax it." "It could be like a legitimate business." "You literally..." "We're sitting on a gold mine." "Why can't sex all around be legalized?" "We're doing it anyway." "Yeah." "Girls are going out and having sex with everybody for free and without protection, and they're catching diseases and stuff like that, and why not legalize something like this?" "Don't yell at me like that." "[ Laughs ]" "Thanks for talking to me today." "Let's jump off these gold mines and head out." " I can show you the ropes." "You have them with you?" "I do." "Great." "Okay, let's go check them out." "Let's do this." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "That was the best $600 I ever spent." "I think she was in to me." "I really do." " Aww!" "What's a... what's a porn-star experience?" " That's what I was wondering." " You didn't even ask?" "I mean, like, I just figured it was just..." "[ Exaggerated moaning ]" "It's just like choking a lot, just like squealing." "It could be like three minutes." "[ Laughing ] It would be..." "You fold up like a laptop during it." "He slides you away." "[ Laughter, applause ]" "I do think it should be legal, though." "I think two consenting adults should be able to do whatever the hell they want." "I mean, prostitution has just brought so much happiness to so many of my male comedian friends." "[ Laughter ] A lot of guys." "If you want to tell me that sex work is gross, that's fine." "Avoid it." "But why should your personal hang-ups impact everyone else?" "No one [bleep] less than the people who care about who you [bleep]" "Those other countries where prostitution is legal have shown that a legitimate sex industry helps keep workers safe." "It encourages condom use and STI testing." "And wouldn't it be a breath of fresh air to not have to go get blown under a bridge?" "You know..." "[ Laughter, applause ]" "Here's the thing..." "Whether it's a woman selling her body or Matthew McConaughey selling a Lincoln, there will always be whores." "[ Laughter, applause ]" "You're sitting on a gold mine, Matthew." "[ Laughs ]" "Keep driving." "I'm pro-whore, because we've all done stuff other people find demeaning to make a buck." "Remember the time you laughed heartily at your boss' Borat impression?" "You did that for money." "You're disgusting!" "At the end of the day, we're all getting screwed for money." "The biggest difference between sex workers and the rest of us is that they have an easier time admitting it." "We'll be right back after a word from our amazing, good-looking, hilarious, well-hung sponsors." "I'm a whore!" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Thank you for watching tonight." "I want to thank my friends Maria Bamford and Marc Maron." "All episodes of Maria's brand-new series," ""Lady Dynamite," are available right now on Netflix." "Marc will be at the Spokane Comedy Club" "July 7 through the 9th, and you can see his show "Maron" Wednesday nights on IFC." "You can follow me on Twitter @NikkiGlaser." "Jim Jefferies is gonna be here next week." "Be sure to tune in." "Here's your happy ending." "Good night, pervs." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Do you believe in traditional marriage?" "Um, yeah, I guess so." "Yeah?" "So, would you rank for me your favorite of Trump's wives, from 1 to 4?" "Your favorite is up here, and then you can just move them." "Oh, I can move them?" "Yeah, yeah." "Let's go like that." "So she's your favorite wife?" "Yeah." "Okay." "Why?" "She's hot." "Okay." "She has an accent." "What kind of accent?" "I don't know. [ Laughs ]" "You just know she has an accent." "I just know she has an accent." "Great." "He's got a lot of hot wives." "He really has." "That's money." "Yeah." "How hot do you think the next one's gonna be?" "[ Laughs ] I think she'll be pretty damn hot if he's president, right?" "Yeah." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Trump said that Heidi Klum is no longer a 10." "What would Trump give me?" "Well, if Ivanka Trump is next to you, it's not good." "What would I be if Ivanka was next to me?" "You... you'd be 3, 4." "Okay."