"Mancation" "♪ sweat, baby, sweat, baby, sex is a Texas drought ♪" "♪ me and you do the kind of stuff ♪" "♪ that only prince would sing about ♪" "♪ so put your hands down my pants ♪" "♪ and I'll bet you'll feel nuts ♪" "♪ yes, I'm siskel, yes, I'm ebert ♪" "♪ and you're getting two thumbs up ♪" "♪ you've had enough of two-hand touch ♪" "♪ you want it rough, you're out of bounds ♪" "♪ I want you smothered, want you covered ♪" "♪ like my waffle house hash browns ♪" "♪ coming quicker than fed ex, never reaching apex ♪" "♪ just like Coca-Cola stock you are inclined ♪" "♪ to make me rise an hour early ♪" " ♪ just like daylight savings time ♪ - ♪ Do it now" "♪ you and me, baby, ain't nothin' but mammals ♪" "♪ so let's do it like they do on the discovery channel... ♪" "Oh, that's what I'm talking about!" " Shock dew!" " Yes!" "Keep 'em coming, sweetheart." "What's up?" "You wanna go, grimace?" "You feel strong?" "Let's do this." " I ain't scared of you." " Come on, sit down." "Relax." " All right." " Don't think I can take the big blue ox over there?" " Okay, let's go." "We've got shots to do here." " Fuck that guy." "All right." "Gentlemen, we have assembled here tonight to celebrate Vince, even though my wedding and marriage was pretty much not enjoyable and I try to forget it as much as I possibly can." "Adam over here obviously will probably never get married." "Is that right, Adam?" "I would much sooner cut my own dick off with a rusty pie tin." " Ah." "You're a poet." "All right." "Marriage is a lot of work and anytime that you need any help... and you know, I mean help with Cyndi..." "I am here to round out the train on her." "I'm just messing with you." "Really seriously, she's a beautiful woman, an amazing woman." "Now when we had the rehearsal dinner, she actually told me that nothing turns her on more than a good old-fashioned Cleveland steamer." " Oh, come on." " That's romantic." "That's..." " you're the worst!" " Oh, but no, seriously, really, you know what?" "You're a fine man" " with a very small penis." " Thank you." " To Vince!" " To Vince." "Yeah, bachelor fucking party!" "Oh, really?" "Lovely ladies and gentlemen, club risque would like to welcome a very special guest" " in our v. I.P. Section this evening." " That's not good." " I have nothing to do with that." " He's getting" " married in the morning." " Boo!" "Come on, come on." " I know." "He's a fucking moron." " Yeah!" "But his friends have decided to make sure that this is his last night of... and I quote..." ""being waist-deep in poon like he's fly-fishing for that shit. "." " That's me." " So, Mr. Vincent Reynolds, sit back and enjoy the lovely sienna." "Yeah yeah yeah!" "All right, yeah!" "Oh my." "Huh huh?" "Whoa." "Hi." "Oh, she's... hi." " Sienna, is it?" " Mm-hmm." " You're very fit." " Shut up." "Okay." "Thanks, guys." "Hey hey hey!" " Look at you?" "Big man on campus." " How are you?" " Good to see you." " You too." " Congratulations, big brother." " Dude, thank you." "You're cutting it kinda close." "You realize you're in a wedding in six hours, right?" "Yeah, but my train was late." "It wasn't my fault." " I'm kidding." " Oh hey, who gets married on a Friday, anyway?" "Huh?" " All right, get in." " Okay." "Oh oh, I can't believe you're actually getting married." "What's that supposed to mean?" "Oh, uh, nothing." "I just... you know," " with your career and your schedule." " Yeah well, you know, Cyndi's a very business-savvy woman." "She knows what it takes to be the best." " Her father did it." " Really?" "So I guess you could say I just got lucky." "Yeah, speaking of getting lucky," " hmm?" " What are you, 12?" " When's the honeymoon gonna be?" " You... you do realize we've had sex before, right?" "I mean, we've lived together for like a year." "Oh." "Yeah, I just... duh." "I know, I jus... where..." "where's it gonna be?" "Nowhere yet." "I've got a big merger on Monday, so we're gonna do a stay-at-home honeymoon kind of thing." "Mmm, nice." "Exotic." "Ooh." "Hey, that's the ex..." "why are we going this way?" "I've got to pick up the flowers at Stein's." "But... seriously, Rebecca is your florist?" "Yeah, why wouldn't she be?" "She's a great florist, awesome friend." "Yeah, but, come on, Vince." "I've always seen the way you've always looked at her." " Grow up." " Don't look at me like that." " You know what I'm saying." " Didn't." "Yes, it did." " Woman:" "It didn't." " Yes, it did." " No, that's not how it happened." "You're a liar." "You lied." "You said we'll all go to the party..." " No." " ..." "In a group costume, and you never showed." "So I looked like a fool, because voltron needs" " all the components to make sets." " But there would've only been two of us." "There would've been an arm and a torso." " Instead of just... you know, just you." " Instead of just me." "You ruined my Halloween." "It still haunts me." "Uh, so you wanna see the bouquet?" "The what?" "Oh, yeah, of course." " That's why I'm here." " You got something going on later today?" "Yeah." "Oh, wow." "That is beautiful." "Thank you." "Cyndi's gonna love it." "No problem." " Uh, so listen, I've gotta get going, but..." " Yeah." "...after the reception, a bunch of us were talking about going back to my house, keep the party going." "You should come." "No way." "I don't think I can make it happen." " Come on, why not?" " Well, if you must know," "I'm going to Atlantic city for the weekend." " When did you become a party girl?" " Not quite." "There's a big annual international flower show I always go to, and I love to jog on the beach and there's a really cute restaurant right by Lucy the elephant." "And the outlets are great and they have a candle store." " Right." " You know, exciting stuff." "Yeah, party girl indeed." " That's me." " Okay." "Well, umm..." "Yeah yeah, I'm gonna go home and get changed in a little bit." " Great." " I'm not gonna be wearing this." "Right." "Well, I'll..." "I'll see you there." "Okay." "Hey, uh, who are the Japanese guys?" "They're everything I've been working for." "Vanderplatt flew them out a few days before the merger." "In the Japanese culture, there are few higher honors than being invited to the wedding of an associate's daughter." "Those gentlemen hold controlling interest in the yakitori alginate concern." "I have no idea what you're talking about." "They're the pacific's leading purchaser and reseller of seaweed." "You know, few people realize that seaweed is actually" " a multi-billion... okay." " I really don't care." "She looks gorgeous, man." " Congratulations." " Thanks." "Crap." "Hey, I know it's typically a best-man thing, but Vanderplatt was kind of hoping to do the toast." "I mean, if it's a big deal, let me know." "I can talk to him." "No, it's... it's fine." "Seriously, I mean he's paying for the whole thing, right?" "I didn't plan on anything, anyway, so no sweat." "Thank you." "I owe you big time." " Didn't plan anything out, huh?" " Nice call on the bow." " Thank you." "Dad." "Call me that again and I'll kill you." "Okay." "That went well." " Hey, you look gorgeous." " Thank you." "When I first met Vince," "I was taking a casual visit to the 12th floor to make my very subtle, quiet presence known to my employees." "Those are the accountants laughing right now." "You know who you are." "Back to Vince." "This fresh-faced young man jumps out of a cubicle that I could only describe as the most organized cubicle you have ever seen in your life." "It should be in a museum." "And he thrust this clammy hand into mine and he says, "Mr. Vanderplatt,"" "I fully intend to be the man to spearhead the merger" ""between us and the Yakitori Alginate Concern. ."" "I look at him and I say," ""young man," "I would love to see that. "." "Then about a year ago this young man comes out to me and says," ""Mr. Vanderplatt, sir, I would like to ask for your daughter's hand in marriage. "." "Aww." " So what could I say to him?" "I simply reply," ""you touch my daughter again,"" "I will skin your ass alive" ""and burn your house down to the ground with you in it. "" "Well, I didn't keep my promise, did I?" "And here we are and I've never seen my little daughter so happy in her life." "So let's all raise a glass and toast to our newlyweds." "Thank you." "Are you ready?" "♪ I wanna rock your little body tonight, tonight ♪" "♪ I wanna stomp it till you're feeling it right, all right ♪" "♪ I wanna rock your little body tonight, tonight ♪" "♪ tonight" "♪ it's all right" "♪ give it up tonight..." "One, two, three!" "♪ Baby, yeah" "♪ this ain't the time for hesitation ♪" "♪ I ain't got time for contemplation ♪" "♪ this is the here and now ♪" "♪ oh oh, I know you want this, you need this ♪" "♪ you try to take yourself out of the way ♪" "♪ that you're feeling..." "You know what?" "Let's make this a little more interesting, huh?" "Shit yeah." "Let's get fucking dangerous up in here!" "Do you have any desire to watch this at all?" "No." "None at all." "I don't even want to know what you saved me from." "I know." "How fitting..." "you caught your own bouquet." " Oh, that was the plan all along." " Oh." "These roses aren't cheap." "I can probably use them again." "So I distinctly remember inviting you plus one." "Nah." "No plus anyone for me." "Well, there are few better places to find someone." "A lot of great guys in there." "Fucking douche!" " All right, take this, motherfucker!" " Stop!" "I stand corrected." "Now, Vince, you know I've always been selective." "There's a particular kind of guy I'm holding out for." "Okay, all right." "Well, lay it out there." "Let me be your Chuck woolery." "Okay." "He's gotta be funny, smart, charming." "So far you've narrowed it down to not Adam." "All right, fine." "Funny, smart, charming, chivalrous, successful, a gentleman who's never too busy to catch up with an old friend." "The kind of guy who kept his dorm room slathered in Christmas decorations year-round because, like myself, he enjoys the comforting smell of plastic pine needles." "And the real hard-to-find quality and embarrassingly sketchy past of a shameful addiction to Japanese anime." "Now that is a little more specific, Rebecca-San." "Usagi-chan wa kawaii desu." " You're such a nerd." " Yeah." "Oh, I almost forgot..." "I have something for you." "Oh no, you... oh." "Not those." "You really didn't have to." "Open it." "You know, there's a whole birdcage-looking thing in there" " you're supposed to put these in." " Open it." "All right." "Look at that." "My goku costume is phoned in, but your sailor moon is on point." "Holy shit." ""The parties of Rebecca Nicole linden and Vincent Kennedy Reynolds"" "being of sound mind and body, do decree that if each party are not happily married at the age of 35, are to wed," ""ensuring that neither individual die a sad, lonely death. "" "I almost forgot about this." "You know, I can..." "I can notarize this now," " make it good and legal." " No." "Even if you did, it'd still be null and void by this point." "You've been keeping this for all these years, haven't you?" "Eh." "Seemed like a good backup plan." "Babe, you're missing the chicken dance." "Come on, you guys." "All right." "Well, duty calls." " Yeah." " Can I trouble you for a chicken dance?" "No no no no, I should really get on my way down to the flower show." "I like to beat the crowds." " Okay." "Well, um, we should do lunch sometime." " Yeah yeah yeah, definitely." "Find you on Facebook, right?" "I still do not have an account." "I think I've got friendster set up." "Do the kids use that nowadays?" " No." " Right." " Congratulations." " Thanks." " Vince?" " Afternoon, Mr. Vanderplatt." "What are you doing here?" "I was just taking a look at my initial plan for the merger, the numbers check out." "We don't have to move ahead as planned." "There are other options." " Don't waste your time." " But, sir, we actually stand to make more money rather than dissolving the company and liquidating the assets." "Just a few short years, a couple of key investments..." "I personally looked over that proposal two years ago." "No offense..." "it's fucking idiotic." "Think about it." "Why the hell would I put my own money from my own company, which I built myself... which does very well, by the way, thank you very much... into a failing company just to keep it alive" "when I can make a killing overnight by shutting it down?" "I understand that, sir, and I respect your decision." "But don't you think we should at least let the yakitoris know our plans for their company?" "I'm sure they'd be very dishonored if we pulled the rug out from under them." "They call it honor." "We call it ethics." "I call it bullshit." "This is business, and I am not hurting my bottom line because some Japanese don't want to merge 'cause they've had some sand kicked up their sideways vaginae." "Now I don't wanna talk about this again, all right?" "Go home to my daughter." "For Christ sakes, you haven't been married for, what, 20 hours." "Actually she asked me to step out for a little while." " Really?" " Yeah, she and Alyssa are taking care of some of the thank-yous for the wedding gifts and whatnot." "She understands how important Monday is for you, me, the company, her." "I admire your work ethic." "In fact, you remind me a lot of myself when I was your age." "Shit." "Did you know that I was on the floor of the exchange an hour after I married Cyndi's mom?" "Yeah, Vince, you and I... it looks like we're just cut from the same cloth." "I appreciate that, sir." "That means lot to me." "But you know the only difference is?" "I didn't marry the boss's daughter." "The very same boss who would be very very very upset if he thought his little princess was unhappy in the slightest way." "Yeah, well..." "Okay." "I think..." "I think I'm about done here for today, so..." " Yeah." " See you on Monday, Vince." "Sweetums, I'm home!" "Oh yeah." "Yeah yeah." "Oh, holy shit." " It's just you." " Who is it?" " It's just Vince." " Well, keep going." "Oh yes." "What the fuck?" "Look, I don't know what to tell you, Vince." "I'm not in love with you." "I don't even like men, in general." " Dicks are gross to me." " Oh yes." "There, I said it." " Can we not have this conversation while you're inside of someone?" "I can't believe this is happening." "Deal with it." "I needed a husband to keep the trust fund, and you?" "You needed to marry the boss's daughter to get ahead in the company." "Isn't that all you wanted, Vince?" "No." "That's news to me." "So... so what then?" "That's it." "I called you guys and came here." "I know." "I mean, but after you found them," " what'd you do?" " Nothing." "I got out of there." "What, seriously?" "You didn't even attempt to get in on that?" "What kind of hardware are we working with?" "Like jelly chocolate dream" " or fucking hammer of Thor?" " Adam!" "I'm the only one that thought of it?" "No way." " My wife's a lesbo." " No, she's not a I... welcome to the wonderful world of adultery." "It happens all the time." " I don't..." "I don't think it does." " You know what?" "Would you guys stop trying to cheer me up?" "You're all pretty terrible at it." " Best-laid plans, right?" " What?" ""Of mice and men. ."" ""The best laid plans of mice and men. ."" "What?" "What is that?" "Like, a Beatles song?" ""The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry. " You guys are..." "The worst." "I had it all planned out..." "grad school, work my way up the company, top floor, corner office." "Then the boss's fucking daughter throws her tits in my hands at a Christmas party." "She's cool with the sham marriage." "She's fucking hot." "You're the boss's son-in-law." "What... what's the problem?" "It's not like you love her or anything." "Yes, I do." "I married her, didn't I?" " Why don't you just get it annulled?" " No, I can't." "I can't get annulled or divorced or whatever." "I just can't." "If Vanderplatt finds out that his little princess isn't just completely perfect, he'll have me fired at the very least." " I mean, for all I know, that guy'll have me killed." " You... you blackmail her." " You tell Vanderplatt about the..." " Are you kidding?" "Did you not just listen to a single word I just said?" " Yeah, top-notch commiserating, Adam." " Oh, fuck you, junior." " Stupid." " Guys!" "I had it all planned out." " So..." " You guys, you know what?" "I'm sick of you, Vince, talking about your plans." "That's what got you in trouble in the first place." "Plans are for people who choose to limit their options." "You know what?" "We gotta do something spontaneous." "Something just out of the norm." "No plans." " Yes, hookers." " We gotta go somewhere." "Pick a place, anyplace, because you know what?" "In the next 48 hours, it's really really crucial that you get laid." "I know from experience, all right?" "You just gotta do it, so pick a place." "I can't." "I can't go anywhere, let alone somewhere." "I mean I have the biggest meeting of my life on Monday." "No, we're going somewhere in the next five minutes, okay?" "Or you know what?" "If you really want to, maybe you could just go home, lay on your couch, 'cause you're not gonna be laying in your bed." "'Cause you know why?" "'Cause your wife's gonna be there." "She's gonna be there with her maid of honor... licking a lot of puss, taking the tugboat to tuna town fishing for trout." "She's gonna be scissoring the maid of honor." "What's it gonna be?" "♪ Always on the wrong side" "♪ always on the wrong side" "♪ of the world..." "Atlantic city." "That's what I'm talking about!" "Keys." "Come on." "Good job." "♪ Your mind, my heart's desire ♪" "♪ are intertwined, my lover's eyes... ♪" "No." "Really?" "What'd you say?" "You told him... she told him she's not his property anyway." "That's right." "That's what you gotta tell him." "I know." "I understand." "It's not." "Okay." "All right." "Okay." "Bye-bye." "Uh, so it looks like everything's all booked up... every hotel, every motel." "Nothing's vacant." "Evidently there's a flower show in town all weekend and everything's booked." "Fucking flowers." "Hang on." "I got this." "Dan." "Yo, what's up?" "It's Adam." "Fuck you." "What?" "No." "No no, you left with that girl, not me." " Fuck that." " What's that?" "Oh yeah yeah, she was..." " Oh, nothing." "Just putting together some stuff." "Oh yeah, I still did, but I actually..." " for work?" " Uh, yeah." "For work." "What was that?" "You guys are... we're gonna make it back by Monday morning, right?" " You have my word." " What are you doing this weekend, man?" " Just relax." "And why Atlantic city?" " Are you at your place?" "I thought you wanted to go someplace where it's kinda quiet..." " Yeah yeah." " ..." "Kinda clear your head or something." "Um, something spontaneous, right?" "All right, cool." "Done deal, bitches." "My boy Dan is not gonna be at his timeshare all weekend and is totally cool with us crashing there." "Yes." "It is on like donkey Kong, bitches!" "Hey, here it is." "Atlantic city, baby." "About fucking time!" " Pull in there." "I gotta stock up." " Right." "Hurry up." "Hey, you..." "you sure you wanna do this?" "Yeah." "I mean, 'cause if you don't, we can go back home." "It's cool." "No no, I'm..." "I'm ready for this." "Let's..." "let's have some fun." " Are you sure?" " Absolutely." "'Cause if not, I would've called you a pussy and I would've drove into town anyway." " Thanks, you're a... you're a good friend." " That's what I'm here for." " What the fuck are you doing?" " Stocking up." "Atlantic city is not a frisbee-throwing, sunscreen-wearing douching party." "I don't know how you bitches do it up in brown, but you're in the big leagues of partying down here." " You should start acting like it." "There." " "The society page"?" " Yes." " Really?" " Study it, know it, only map you need." "Adam, this is nothing but photos of drunk girls in random bars posing with the previous week's "society page,"" "whose cover is a drunk girl posing with the previous week's "society page. "." "It's like an escher painting." "All the news that's fit to print." "Uh..." "Boom." "Two boxes." "Come on, who are you kidding?" "Don't get a twist." "I'm not a manwhore." "I just prefer to double-bag it in these short towns." " Stop." " These bitches be skanks..." "And they also like the added girth." "Well, me too." "Oh crap." "It's Vanderplatt." "What do I do?" "Don't answer it." "Don't... don't..." " hello, Mr. Vanderplatt." " Or do." "Vince, I'm not interrupting anything, am I?" " No, I just stepped out to get some..." " Divorce papers." " ...milk." " How's my little girl?" " Cyndi?" "Oh yeah, no, she's..." " A lesbian." " ...uh, great." " Listen." "I got a little bit of a problem here." "I'm with the yakitoris and they wanted the real Philadelphia experience, so of course I bring them out to Tony Luke's." " Yeah." " However, I can't seem to communicate to them what a cheesesteak is." "That is a tough one." "You know, these bastards will eat pickled poison," " but I can't get them to eat a fricking cheesesteak." " Stay right there." " What?" " How do I... what's the translation for cheesesteak?" "Uh yeah, well, that's a tough one." "I guess the closest translation would be which loosely translates to "American cow grease. "." "You better not be fucking with me, Reynolds." "No no, I'm not, sir." "Trust me." " Wait wait wait wait, let me get a pen." "I got some..." "I'm gonna write this down." "I can't remember this shit." "Yo, look at that ass, man." "God damn!" "That white bitch got dumps like a trucker ho." " Ooh!" " Excuse me?" "What?" "No no no no, excuse you!" "I wasn't talking to you." " I was talking to my boy." " You trying to get fucked up." "I think he's trying to get fucked up in here, man." "What's up, man?" "You trying to get fucked up, motherfucker?" "Yeah-ha!" "You trying to get fucked up?" "The fuck you say?" "I think they're in a gang." "Don't be a fucking asshole." "They're not in a gang." "They're color-coordinated." "This shit is fresh." "They're probably a band." "I mean, boyz ii men." " You didn't think of that?" " They're not boyz ii men." "Are you trying to start some shit?" "Yeah, I think he's trying to start some shit up in here." "No no no no, you're just trying to pay this asshole's finely-built girlfriend a compliment and he clearly doesn't value your opinion." "That's right." "That's exactly what I was doing." "And who can blame you?" "Look at that thing just sticking out like a luscious apartment air conditioner." "You just wanna... pow!" "You know?" "Yeah, apartment air conditioner." "That's exactly what I was thinking." "Right?" "Mmm." "Yeah, I kinda like this guy." " This guy's not that bad." " Yeah, he's all right." " He's all right." " Yeah?" " Yeah, he cool." " I like you guys too." " Guys!" " All right, all right." "Admittedly, I didn't see that coming." " What the hell happened?" " They got jumped." " You didn't do anything?" " I figured they had it coming." "Obviously, people don't just get jumped for no reason." "Adam yes, but Leo?" "Come on." "Adam's a bad influence." "What am I supposed to think?" " Leo, what the hell happened?" " They just... they just jumped us for no reason." "No, it's true." "Everything was great." "They was my dawgs and then they just threw us through the fucking window." "But the joke's on them, though, 'cause they just dropped their handkerchiefs." "My God." "Fucking simpleton." "These aren't handkerchiefs." "The... these are colors." "You didn't get jumped into a gang, you fucking moron." "Get your head out of your ass." "No no no no, not a full member." "I didn't put any work in." "But probationary, honorary at the very least." "You're an idiot." "No, like... you're an idiot." "Whatever, son." "I'm coloring up." "Flying and proud." "You're gonna get us killed." " Ah." " He's gonna get us... soldier till I die, kid." "That's not even gang lingo." "♪ Yo, I crack the whip, you play the game ♪" "♪ every encounter that's obstructionary comes in my name ♪" "♪ so that you came to become obsessed with my location ♪" "♪ clues to my identity denied to the impatient ♪" "♪ step up, I sense..." " It's up here somewhere." " You said that on the last seven streets." "Do you even know where the fuck it is?" "Christ, slam on the brakes." "No, that's not it." "Wait!" "Yeah, that is it." "Shit." "Dan said there's a key under the mat." "Wait here." "Sounds like he found a key." " Gentlemen." " All right." "Thanks, Moses." "Not bad." "Not bad at all." "Bust-ass bitches." "Whose place is this again?" "It's my boy Dan." "I worked with him at best buy." "Bought this place on a best buy salary, huh?" "No no, found a finger in his omelet at Denny's" " and sued for a shit-ton of money." " American dream." "Hey, where's the bathroom?" "I need to get cleaned up." "It's a bathroom, not a woman to love and respect you." "I think you'll find it." "Really?" "Oh." "Why does your friend have a cabinet full of bonerall?" "Yeah, not to mention this place reeks of icy hot and old pennies." "And the only bottles of alcohol they have here is the lovely creme de menthe." "Dude found a thumb in his rascal flatts breakfast." "All right?" "That kind of thing fucks you up for life." "Stop going through his shit, all right?" "We're not even gonna be here anyway." "Just fucking pour the shots, let's hit the town like a house afire and get this sad bastard laid." "Hey, enough said." "I heard you there." "Cheers." "Bottoms up." "It smells like coleslaw." "Sky hook!" "You're starting to kinda like it, right?" "♪ This is, this is" "♪ this is an American anthem ♪" "♪ this is, this is" "♪ this is an American anthem ♪" "♪ this is, this is" "♪ this is an American anthem... ♪" "Good evening, ladies." "How are you doing?" "I'm the manager of this fine establishment." "I'd like to see your I.D.S again." "But we wanna make sure there is no underage drinking so I would..." "thank you very much." "That would be very nice." "Thank you." "And thank you." "Hey, thanks again, Leo, for coming down here." " It means a lot to me." " No no, of course." "Vince, I'm here for you, okay?" "So did you wanna talk about it?" "I mean, how could I let this happen to me?" "Hey, look, you can't... don't... don't go blaming yourself for this." "I just..." "I wish Cyndi could've let me know about her little secret before the merger." "I can't fucking think straight." "Wait a minute." "Merger?" "Are you still going through with this?" "Organ donor?" "Hmm." "Okay, there you go." "This one's for you." "Thank you, ladies." "Thank you very much." "Appreciate it." "Okay." "Meredith jamison." "Status says "it's complicated. "" "It's not that complicated when you're gagging on it." "Oh yeah." "Speaking of gagging." "Hey." "I don't have a choice, okay?" "I can't start at a new company from scratch." "I just can't." "I... to get where I am today?" "I'd be old enough to retire." "That woman... she can ruin my personal life, but I'm not gonna let her take my career away from me too." "I'll just go through with the merger and take care of my fake marriage after that." "I guess that's why they say not to dip your pen in company ink, huh?" "You like my glasses?" "Do I look like a Dallas cowboy?" "You like the Dallas cowboys?" "Do I look like one?" "Like a Roy Rogers?" "Watch it, dickhole." "Did you say you wanted to watch my dick grow?" "Oh!" "How controversial." "My name is Igor." "He's my boots." "What's your name, bandana man?" "What the fuck did you just call me?" "Oh." "Oh, I think me calling him "bandana man"" "was too controversial for him." "You want to get controversial, I will get real controversial." "You don't want controversy." "Don't pretend like you know controversy." "You wouldn't know controversy if it pulled up to a middle school, showed you its penis and make you take a blood job." "You mean a blow job, you stupid limey." "Do I?" "Oh, he doesn't know what a blood job is." "How cute." "How cute." "What if I was more in love with the idea of being in love with the boss's daughter, rather than actually being in love?" "All right, Vince." "Let's do this, okay?" "Oh, come on, Brady, please." "Let me just drink myself into oblivion." "I don't think I can be rejected by another woman tonight." "No no no, it's not gonna happen, because I've done some top-notch recon." "According to their Facebook profiles," "I've narrowed it down to three lucky ladies, okay?" "Meredith..." "she is first up." "Her relationship status says "it's complicated,"" "which means that you can definitely have sex with her." "You just gotta get her drunk, get a little your knee." "Okay." "Also, we have Jane, who's in the corner over there." "She actually just broke up with a guy named Eric." "And now Eric was a real nice guy." "Too nice." "You gotta call her an idiot, a schmuck, maybe tell her that her thighs are really fat." "Also we have Chelsea." "She was actually dating an asshole, so you gotta be on the flipside of that one." "Be really nice with her, but be very careful, because she's on her period, so you might wanna be trolling for colon." "Okay, get in there." "I got three other ladies that are fucking whack jobs" " and they love to get bl..." " Brady." "Brady, listen," "I'm not interested, okay?" "I'm not interested in anyone in here." "None of these girls are even my type." "I'm..." "I don't want to talk to a girl tonight, let alone a girl who's gonna..." "Okay, I'll be right back." "Okay?" "I'll be right back." "Why do you gotta start shit, biatch?" "Fight!" "There's gonna be a fight!" "Boots, take my pelt." " Fight fight fight fight!" " Rebecca!" "Fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight!" "Dude, seriously." "Come on, relax." "We can all talk about this." "Let's be rational, all right?" "Ladies, is it just me or is this one's pants bulge unimpressive?" "You're fucking dead!" "I'll kill you!" "Hey hey." "Whoa whoa whoa!" " Yo, guys!" " The big one is all mine!" " Divide and conquer!" "Bring him down!" " Come on!" " What are you doing?" " Come on." "Look, you're all acting like children." "Violence is not the answer, okay?" "Violence is not funny." " Oh God!" " Douche." "I say we get some tec-9s, roll out looking to pop hollows in that kraut bastard." "Look, guys, I don't think he's a German." "He's actually Russian, dude." "I don't care if he's the president of fucking England." "He's a dead man." "Guys, uh, shut up." " Hello?" "Hello?" " Vince!" "Vince!" "This big American cow grease... it's a huge hit with the Japanese." "Huge!" "You've done it again, Vince!" "♪ I like girl that wear Abercrombie  Fitch ♪" "♪ I'd take her if I had one wish... ♪" "Great." "I take it the yakitoris are having a good time?" "Oh God, yeah!" "They're a great bunch of guys!" "Excellent." "So have you given anymore thought" " to what we talked about this morning?" " You know, actually, Vince," " I really have." " And?" "I'm still gonna bankrupt the bastards, but it's not gonna be as much fun, I don't think." "♪ Think it's fly when girls stop by ♪" "♪ For the summer, for the summer... ♪" "Uh, sir, I'm sorry." "Can you hang on one second?" "I have another call." "Actually, is there anything else you need from me?" "How do you say "hooker"?" " I'm sorry?" " Ah, forget it." "We'll figure it out." "♪ New kids on the block had a bunch of hits ♪" "♪ Chinese food makes me sick... ♪" "Okay." " Hello." " Hi, it's me." " Hi." "Your dad says hi." " Where are you?" " Like you even care." " Of course I care." "Don't be silly." "You're my husband and I love you." "You... you mean that?" "No." "I'm just really good at lying." "You are a monster." " Put a cap in her too." " No." "No caps, okay?" "No tec-9s." "No rough riding and gang banging." "All right?" "We're down here for one more day." "Just forget about her." "Forget about the Russian." "I'm going to bed early." "I suggest you all do the same." "Hey, man." "I don't do bright or early." "Well, this isn't about you." "Listen, there's a lot of hotspots I wanna hit, so I got us on kind of a rigid schedule, but it's nothing we can't handle." " Please stop yelling." " After this, we'll hit the outlets, and then I've got us doing a quick nine-hole of miniature golf before we go have lunch by Lucy the elephant." "I made reservations." " You're welcome." " How are you this fucking chipper?" "It's seven of morning o'clock." "What do you mean, rigid schedule?" "I thought the whole purpose of this outing was to inject something unexpected, throw a little fun in your life." "Okay, you guys know me." "I like knowing what I'm gonna do, okay?" "And I can't be happy unless I do." "It's really not that big a deal." "It is, but it isn't." "I mean you can't just plan everything." "Have a little spontaneity in your life, all right?" " It can't hurt." " If I'm not mistaken," "Vince didn't actually plan to turn his wife into a box-chomping carpet muncher and that happened on its own, didn't it?" "That looked like it hurt." "Yeah, you've got a point." "But you know what?" "I thought the whole point of coming here to Atlantic City was to go out, have a great time, be with your buds... just to have a great time." "I don't understand what you're doing." "You wanna go fricking shopping." "You wanna go to outlets." "What if I like the outlets?" "I do." "I do." "I like the outlets." "I like bargains." "I like shopping." "I like not wasting each minute of the day" " and I especially like the handmade candle store." "My God, that is the lamest thing I've ever heard!" "Can we just get our dicks wet?" "Would you keep it down?" "We're in public." "What, her?" "Like she's little miss proper?" "Would it kill you to have a little decency?" "Trust me, that chick's a skank." "There's no father." " Keep it down." " That kid was probably the byproduct of every single member of def leppard." " He's... ma'am, I'm so sor..." "Why do you always have to be the loudest a..." "Sshole in the place?" " And it gets old real fast." " Leo, relax, okay?" " That's just the way he is." " Just because that's the way he's always been doesn't mean he gets a free pass for being a piece of crap." "Adam, you may have gotten away with that in college, but you're a full-grown man now, so start acting like it." "What?" "How?" "Like you?" "Like a little bitch all the time?" " No no, I'll pass." " I'm not a little bitch." " I'm not." " It's okay." "One in 12 men was born with a vagina." " It's perfectly natural." "Vince, I don't know how you can stand this guy." "I've forgotten how much of a child he is." " What, you think you're better then me or something?" " Yes, I do." "And maybe if you'd act like a respectable human being for a day, you would understand why." "And maybe if you pulled that pinecone out of your asshole for one day and let loose, you'd see the world needs people like me to keep it interesting." "So the world needs an obnoxious jerk with a false sense of entitlement?" "Yes!" "I am the yin to your pompous, fart-sniffing Yang." "Whatever." "Fine." "I will flip you for it." "I win, you keep your big mouth shut for the rest of the day and behave like a gentleman," " so we can actually enjoy ourselves." " Leo, not a good idea." "You win, I will go the rest of the day under your wing." "I'll do whatever you do." "I'll live the way you live." "I'll be the yin to my own Yang." "How's that sound, confucius?" "This sounds like a bad idea." " Call it, princess." " Tails." " You're in for a treat." " No." "Whatever." "I'm not doing it, 'cause it's stupid." "Nuh-uh, pussy." "A deal's a deal." "Vince, you can't really expect me to..." "I mean, a deal's a deal." "Whatever." "Whatever." "Fine." "Is this, uh... you weren't drinking this, were you?" "Oh no." " How's that?" " Not bad." "You'll get better." " Why are we here?" " What do you mean?" "We're here for a spontaneous, testosterone-fueled weekend, right?" "Yeah, real spontaneous." "I mean, you've scheduled everything." "You even scheduled the bathroom breaks." "You just can't keep planning every ounce of your life." " Says who?" " Says life." "Sooner or later you have to deviate from the plan, 'cause right now your life is in the shitter." "I think now's a good time to start." "Okay." "I get it, all right?" "As best man, you feel the need to dole out the advice." "And I appreciate that..." "I do... but right now," "I'm kind of in a difficult place to be giving advice to." "I understand that you went through the same thing with your ex, but let's try to remember that you got married in a shotgun wedding at the courthouse on a whim." "You didn't exactly plan that out and that still went to shit, so... you're still in love with her, for Christ's sake." "I mean, you've been wearing the wedding ring for two years now." "Forgive me for saying, but your advice... it's kinda worthless." "Do you know why I still wear this ring?" "No." "Please, enlighten me." "So I don't forget how much it hurt." "It is a constant reminder that I know that I will never ever let any other woman get close to me." "'Cause it would be my own damn fault." "Well, that's a pretty pessimistic way" " to go looking..." " And then Cyndi comes along, and she was perfect." "I just started thinking that maybe I should just throw the ring in the trash, because I was wrong." "When I gave you that ring and I saw the look in her eye when she was giving her vows," "I saw the love." "I saw how honest and pure she was." "I started thinking maybe that there's somebody out there for me, somebody who I can love, somebody that's gonna love me back." "Then she turned out to be the worst one yet." "Come on, let's go have some fun, all right?" "But we're still gonna stick to the schedule." "Sure, we can stick to the schedule, but can you please jot down that we're getting our dicks wet?" "Speaking of dicks, have you seen Leo or Adam?" "No." " Body shots!" " Body shots!" "Leo, would you be so kind as to top Veronica off?" " Yeah." " Please, Leo." " Veronica." " Hello." "You remind me of a girl I used to have a crush on." " Oh really?" " Sorry." "Sorry." " Is that okay?" " Yes." "Yup, I think it's in there." " Should I fill her up?" " It's fine like that." " Thank you." " I love it." "Leo, yeah." " Leo's turn!" " Yeah, Leo's turn." " No no." " It is most definitely Leo's turn." " No no no no." " Yes, come on." " Don't be shy." " It's too early for whiskey." " I can't." " Leo, it is never too early for whiskey." " Mm-hmm." " Ladies, who would like to mama-bird" " a shot to young Leo?" " I don't know what it is, but I'll do it." " What's a mama bird?" " I like you." " No, what's... what's a mama bird?" " Well, Leo, it's simple." "First things first..." "down on your knees" " in front the very sexy Jessica here." " Thank you." " Now you're gonna take a shot." " Okay." "You're not gonna swallow it." "You're just gonna keep it in your mouth..." "And gracefully squeeze a stream of the refreshing Kentucky bourbon" " into young Leo's mouth here." " All right." " Okay, are you ready, Leo?" " Oh." " Are you ready?" " Ah." "Here we go." " Open wide." " Ahh..." "Ready?" " Oh, what fun." " Igor!" "Hello, ladies." "I forget your name." "Your name starts with an f, I think." "Look alive, soldier." "This shit's about to jump off." "Hello, bandana man." "I see you've found my favorite tiki bar." "I hope it's treating you well." "No no no!" "All right, not this, not again." "If you think you're ganking my half-drunk bitches from me," " you got another think coming." " Oh, these girls?" "Eh." "I don't want these girls." "They are too old for Igor." " I'm 28." " Well, if you say so." "But I can tell you have the saggy places of a 40, and seeing you both naked would make me sick to my stomach." "It's not the age, it's the Miles, honey, so go ahead and get out." "I don't care." "Don't worry, ladies." "I got this." "Let's roll up, bitch." "Oh, all right." "Okay, you want to dance, big guy?" " Yeah." " Boots, hold my coat." "Holy fuck!" "All right, no." "No no, whatever, forget it." " No, we're done." "We're square." " What, you want to go, cupcake?" " You want to go, cupcake?" "!" " No, it's... it's all right." "No, just take... take 'em." " Take the... take the girls." " Come on, "Rocky III." Come on, come on." ""I train alone!" "I train alone!" "I ain't getting on no plane!"" "We didn't really get off on the right foot." "It's cool." ""When you're a jet, you're always a jet. ."" "Come on." "Put 'em up." "What's the problem?" "Put 'em up." "All right, no, we're done." "We're done, we're done." "I'm not fighting a naked dude." "That's gay." "Oh." "Oh oh oh!" "Okay, I see." "Boots." "I think my bathing trunks may be a bit too controversial for bandana man." " Oh, controversial." " No, it's not controversial." "It's just... it's..." "I can see your veins in your dick." "It's... all right?" "It's gross!" "Well, if you don't want to fight, then perhaps we should just be best friends." "How about you come in for a big bear hug?" "Come here." " Come here, big boy." " No, fucking hell no." " Come on." "Don't be shy." " Seriously." " Don't fucking touch me..." " Okay, all right, all right." "Listen." "Here." "There you go, buddy." "Okay?" "You got your hug." "We were just leaving." "Well, now that we are big-bear-hug friends," " I guess I should know your name." " It's Vince." "Hello, Vince." "My name is Igor." "He's my boots." " How's your back?" " It's fine." "Thank you, boots." "Vince, can we... can we please get the fuck away" " from this naked guy?" " Yes, please go." "I like your friends, Vince." "They have moxie." "That's..." "that's good to know." "So, listen, you seem to know your way around here." "Have you, um..." "have you seen this girl?" "Nyet." "Boots, has you seen this girl?" "Nyet." " Oh." " I am so sorry." "Neither me nor my boots has seen her, but I wish you the best of luck in your searchings." "Thanks." "You gentlemen have a nice day, huh?" "You have a nice day as well, Vince." "I'm not saggy." "I'll take my top off right now and prove it to you." "Well, that is very polite of you, golden girl, but that's a gamble that I'm not willing to take." "But boots has much worse taste in women than I, and I am sure he would love to put himself in you" " and then break his dick off in you." " I would love to do that!" " He would love to break his dick." "He would love to break his dick off." "Please go, boots." "Go and break your dick off." "Yes, break your dick off, boots." "Break it off." " What the hell happened to you?" " Shut up." "That's a gay shirt." " ♪ When we met that summer... ♪" " It's not gay." "♪ New kids on the block had a bunch of hits ♪" "♪ Chinese food makes me sick ♪" "♪ and I think it's fly when girls stop by ♪" "♪ for the summer, for the summer ♪" "♪ I like girls that wear Abercrombie  Fitch ♪" "♪ I'd take her if I had one wish ♪" "♪ but she's been gone since that summer ♪" "♪ since that summer" "♪ hip-hop marmalade, spic and span ♪" "♪ met you one summer and it all began ♪" "♪ you're the best girl that I ever did see ♪" "♪ the great Larry bird, Jersey 33 ♪" "♪ when you take a sip, you buzz like a hornet ♪" "♪ Billy Shakespeare wrote a whole bunch of sonnets ♪" "♪ call me Willy whistle, 'cause I can't speak, baby ♪" "♪ something in your eyes really drove me crazy ♪" "♪ now I can't forget you and it makes me mad ♪" "♪ left one day and never came back ♪" "♪ stayed all summer then went back home ♪" "♪ macaulay culkin wasn't home alone ♪" "♪ fell deep in love, but now we ain't speaking ♪" "♪ Michael j." "Fox was Alex p." "Keaton ♪" "♪ when I met you, I said my name was rich ♪" "♪ you look like a girl from Abercrombie  Fitch ♪" "♪ new kids on the block had a bunch of hits ♪" "♪ Chinese food makes me sick ♪" "♪ and I think it's fly when girls stop by ♪" "♪ for the summer, for the summer ♪" "♪ I like girls that wear Abercrombie  Fitch ♪" "♪ I'd take her if I had one wish ♪" "♪ but she's been gone since that summer ♪" "♪ since that summer" "♪ cherry pez, cold crush, rockstar boogie ♪" "♪ used to hate school, so I had to play hooky ♪" "♪ always been hip to the b-boy style ♪" "♪ known to act wild and make a girl smile ♪" "♪ love new edition and the "candy girl" ♪" "♪ remind me of you because you rock my world ♪" "♪ you come from Georgia where the peaches grow ♪" "♪ they drink lemonade and speak real slow ♪" "♪ you love hip-hop and rock 'n' roll ♪" "♪ dad took off when you were four years old ♪" "♪ there was a good man named Paul revere ♪" " ♪ I feel much better..." " That is me!" "I know!" "This is me!" "I need her!" "♪ I like the way you laugh when I tell a joke ♪" "♪ when I met you, I said my name was rich ♪" "♪ you look like a girl from Abercrombie  Fitch ♪" "♪ new kids on the block had a bunch... ♪" " Where are we going next?" " Uh, flower show." "Sorry, it sounded like you just said "flower show. "." "Yeah." "There's gonna be tons of ladies there." "Yeah, I'm not going to a flower show." "Adam, Vince is right." "The place will be filled with women." "It can't be that bad." "Come on." "No, Leo, it can be awful." "I would rather have my balls caught in a food processor." "Now you." "Point out a place you'd rather have my balls caught in lieu of attending a flower show." " Car door." " Ooh." "Head of the class." "Now if you two ladies are insistent on attending the dried-up hausfrau convention, then by all means, have at it." "Vince wants to go where he wants to go, so let's just go." "No, Brady." "Vince, I love you." "I'm afraid this is where we part ways, all right?" "The sun is setting!" "We're in a." "C.!" "The sluts are about to start roaming the street and Leo and I are going to be there to calm their nerves after a long, hard day of arguing with the financial-aid office of their community college, fighting with their step-dad or whatever the fuck it is they're gonna talk about" "that we're gonna pretend to listen to so they can justify to themselves that "these guys are different"" "from the ones I let slip it in me last week." "They're not gonna talk me into an angry blumpkin." "They're not gonna trick me with the hairy Houdini." "And text it to all my contacts." "No no no, these guys are different." "They're special." "I think they'll call back." ""I have a good feeling about these guys. "." "What the hell are you talking about?" "Let's go, Leo." "Enjoy the flower show, bitches." " Hi." " Hello." "I'm looking for this girl." "Have you seen her?" "This is so easy." "This is obviously you in the picture." " Yeah yeah, that's me." " There you are..." "I found you!" "♪ Yeah" "♪ oh yeah." "Okay, I get the idea that you do whatever the hell you feel like without regard to anyone else, but ditching my brother like that just makes you a terrible friend." "All right, look look, he needs his friends right now." " He'll be fine." " How do you know, Adam?" "Because he's got thick skin." "I should know." "I've ridiculed and belittled him for years to toughen him up." " Mm-hmm." " You Reynolds boys have been coddled way too much" " and you're soft." " I'm not soft." "You're a pushover, all right?" "You're gonna be forced to marry a fatty because no attractive girl is gonna find this lack of a backbone appealing." "Oh my God!" "See?" "Before he was forced to toughen up from having friends who are bastards." "You can't just justify the idea that you're allowed to act like a fool and..." "I don't know... call it... what is it, tough love or some bullsugar?" "No no, you're missing the whole point." "It's not just about being an asshole." "It's about being able to walk into a room... any room... and knowing that you're not afraid to be an asshole, piss people off, do something shocking, say something fucked up." "That's what makes great men great." " Uh-huh." " It's like when George Washington once famously punched a man in the dick just 'cause he made fun of his wooden teeth." "That never happened." "I think I know a thing or two about colonel Washington." "Nothing you are ever going to say is ever going to make me believe you." "Huh?" "Ever." "Yeah, you're right." " Yeah." " What?" "Talk is cheap." "Come with me." "What, a... a tattoo?" "Okay, big deal." "What are you thinking?" "A little butterfly on your ankle?" "Or maybe a scary skull?" "How about that?" "He's cute." "Dude, what are you doing?" "There's, like, tuna for sale over there and you're just smelling cactuses and tulips." "Look, would you just relax with the getting-me-laid thing?" "No no, I'm not gonna relax about you getting laid." "It's very crucial that you do this, because that whole sham marriage... you need to just get your mind off of it, get you laid and you'll have a great time." "Dude, what is your problem?" "All trip you've been holding stuff back, okay?" "Help me help you." "Talk to me." "Okay." "Rebecca." "I don't know what her name is." " She's probably... hopefully deep throat." " No no." " Rebecca." " From high school?" "Yes, my friend Rebecca." " The florist?" " Yes, Rebecca." "Go ahead." "Tell me she's a soul-sucking harpy like the rest of the girls in the world whose sole purpose is to rip out my heart with her razor-sharp talons or whatever." "Dude, what?" "No." "Actually, she's a sweetheart, and I think you guys were kinda meant for each other." "Hey, does she have Facebook?" "Um, uh, yeah, I... how about a dragon fighting a tiger on top of a Mountain?" "That'd be fun." "Or we could even do like the unicorn running on a rainbow." "Or how about a pentagram, like on your shoulder or something?" " Just so everyone knows..." " Just so you know daddy doesn't care." "So what are you getting, anyway?" "A prince Albert." "Like a portrait or...?" "Sure you're ready for this, dude?" "Let's get dangerous." "Her and I have always had this sort of unspoken thing, you know?" "But neither one of us wanted to put ourselves out there because we're such good friends." "And that went on for years, even through college." "I'd be seeing someone and she'd be single, or she'd be seeing someone and I was single." "And then Cyndi came along and it just seemed like such a perfect arrangement." "I would still think about Rebecca and wonder what it would be like, you know, if we ended up together." "And then I hadn't really given it much thought until recently." "Then I walk in on Cyndi cheating on me and all at once I felt nothing." "I..." "I honestly felt nothing." "Complete indifference." "I mean, yeah, I was shocked or surprised or whatever, 'cause I didn't see it coming, but..." "I don't know." "I think..." "Maybe I was more in love with the idea of marrying into the Vanderplatts." "But then I found out Rebecca is gonna be down here in Atlantic City, and I had to come down here and tell her how I felt, you know?" "We have turned this town upside down to try to find her and this is the last place I know she'd be, so I know she's gotta be somewhere nearby." " How do you know that?" " If you actually stepped into the 21st century, you would know that Facebook is fantastic for stalking exes." "If you see right here, on foursquare she said that she was here at the convention center at 4:00." "Do you know where we were at 4:00 today?" " Yeah." " Fudge kitchen." "Yeah, okay." "Damn it." "Okay, do you know where she is now?" "I have a pretty good idea." "Great." "Let's..." "let's go find her." "You sure you wanna do that?" "Are you out of your mind?" "Pay attention, junior, you might learn something." "What am I supposed to learn from watching thinking about it too much." "It's all about going big or going home." "All right, you're gonna feel a slight pinch..." " I can handle that." " ..." "Followed by a very excruciatingly painful tearing as I stick this Barb through your urethra." "Look, okay, you don't have to do this." "All right?" "No, I get it." "I get it." "It's all about going big or going home, right?" "Going big or going home." "Do it." "All right, here we go." "Oh." "That wa..." "that wasn't so bad." "All right, now we're disinfected." "Now... it's time to actually do the piercing." " Hold my hand." " What?" "Hold my fucking hand!" "Look, I don't know what the problem is." " I know she feels the same way." " But that's not the issue." "That's because there is no issue, okay?" "It's real simple..." "first we find her, then I bring her in real close and I remind her about that time in statistics class when we almost accidentally kissed and how I thought about that for years after about how I wish it had actually happened." "And then she'll know." "She'll know exactly what I'm talking about." "And then I just lay it out there, you know?" "I let her know that I'm in love with her and that I always have been." "And if that doesn't work, I have an ace up my sleeve." "Okay, I think I found a loophole." "No!" "I'm not gonna watch you get your heart broken in two again, okay?" "You know, I knew you would say something like that." "I knew it." "That's why I didn't tell you why we came down here." "Rebecca's not some drunk skank on the cover of "society page," okay?" "She's not Cyndi." "She's not your ex." " She's... she's different." " I know she is." "The please explain to me what the fucking problem is." "You." "You're the fucking problem." " What is that supposed to mean?" " You're setting yourself up for failure again." "You refuse to understand that you can't control everything." "Shit, you bullet-point in your own head how you're gonna convince Rebecca to give you a second chance." "I've seen you do this before." "You did it with fricking Cyndi, for crying out loud." " Life does not work that way." " So you've got this figured out then?" "You know what's best for me." "Is that right?" "I've got news for you:" "Fuck you, Brady." "Okay?" "You don't know shit about me." "You don't know what's going on." "Yeah, some fucking best man you turned out to be." "Yeah, and a best man would give a fricking speech, asshole." "Oh yeah?" "Well, I'd like to think that a best man would take 20 fucking minutes out of his day to plan something for someone he calls his best friend." "You know, I should've had Leo be my best man." "At least I know he would have the decency not to go on about gang bangs and Cleveland steamers in front of my grandmother." ""Ladies and gentlemen, family and friends,"" "can you gather round please?" "Family and friends." "Vince." "I've had the privilege to know him now for almost 25 years." "And honestly, I gotta say he's been one of the best friends I could ever have." "In seventh grade, we were in gym." "Do you remember this, Vince?" "We were running track." "I tripped and I fell into a huge puddle... completely drenched, head to toe... with a white t-shirt no less." "Now, mind you," "I was not the..." "Slimmest kid in the school." "But you know what?" "I held my head high." "But when I fell in that puddle, all the kids started pointing at me, laughing at me, making fun of me." "But without hesitation," "Vince ran up to me and literally took his shirt off his back and gave it to me." "And that's what makes you so wonderful." "And to see you here with Cyndi..." "who, by the way, without a doubt is the most breathtaking bride I have seen... and to see the way" "that you make her smile reminds me of all the times you've made me smile throughout the years." ""To Vince. "" "This is the one thing I planned." "Head over to baltic." "Right by the boardwalk, there's a house party there." "That's where you'll find her." "Luck." "One, two, three." "Stop!" "Oh God!" "Oh God." "God!" "Stop!" "I wish I was at the flower show!" "That was the most amazing thing I've ever seen." " I've done worse." " I get it now." "I totally get it, right." "'Cause being an asshole isn't about proving something to someone else." "No no no no, it's about proving something to yourself." "To this guy right here, right?" "Just like the time..." "like George Washington, when he punched his dentist in the dick." "Right?" "Exactly." "Your eyes are opening, little Reynolds." "I feel alive, you know?" "I feel, like, born again." "I just wanna rattle some cages." "The consequences be damned." "Fuck yeah." "Hey!" "Motherfuckers!" "Oh boy." "Hey hey hey, what are you guys doing out here on the boards?" "Shouldn't you be, like..." "I don't know... building a rail road or opening up a dry-cleaning business?" " Wait wait." " All right, you got 'em." "Wait wait wait wait wait, hold on." "Oh no!" "Godzirra!" "Here godzirra come!" "Destroy buildings." "I need more buildings." " Okay." " Radiation!" " Okay, you're good, you're good." "Got 'em." " Wait wait wait." "I'm not done yet." "Hold on." "Oh." "Hello." "I'm really good at algebra, but I'm really bad at winning wars." "What the fuck are you doing?" "Okay, you're ju..." "you're just being... you're being racist now." "I never..." "I never taught you to be racist, all right?" "I'm not being racist." "Will you calm down please?" " Whoa!" " Whoa." "What do we do?" "Uh..." " Run." " Okay." " Oh." " Hurry up!" " I'm not used to running with a fishing lure in my dick!" " Scooby doo." "Scooby doo!" " What?" "I can't believe that worked." " What?" " What the hell was that?" " Wh..." " You started off great, then you just fucking tanked it." "What the hell was that?" "You know the asians are extremely proud and prosperous people." " I know." " Good food, interesting culture, outstanding movies and cinema." "I don't wanna look at you right now." "Just..." " Hey." " Hey, Vince." "Those guys looked pretty pissed." "That you, Adam?" "Leo started a turf war." "Where are you going in such a hurry?" "I'm going to tell the woman I love that she's the woman that I love." " Rebecca?" " Yeah." " What, the florist?" " Yes, the florist." "Oh." "Oh, she's a sweetheart." "You should've married that girl." "Everybody?" "It's your ride-or-die chick." "Dan?" "Dan." "Mmm." "I'm not Dan." "There's no Dan here." "Oh." "Hey, I know you." " You're the minister." " Oh yes." "The minister of pleasure." "I also do bar mitzvahs." "That bearded blond bastard." "He doesn't stand a chance." "We have God on our side." "Peachey?" "Bring the bonerall." "This has got to be it." " Yeah." " How do I look?" "Um, well, you kinda look like a hasidic pimp." "Yeah, you should probably lose the shirt." " Okay." " Unbelievable." "Icelandic hairdresser." "What happened to you?" "Really?" "Really?" "It's a mansion." "There's bound to be a hanger." "Like animals, both of ya." "All right, I want you guys on your best behavior." "Talk to your brother." "You know he's a huge racist?" " I'm not a racist." " Oh my God, I'm serious." " What?" "♪ In spit of the melody..." "Okay." "Wait here." "♪ The better part of me is caving ♪" "♪ and we don't need those broken bones ♪" "♪ awkward lighting in broken homes ♪" "♪ no no no, we don't need those empty tones... ♪" " Hey." " Vince." "What in the world are you doing here?" " Is Cyndi with you?" " Remember that time in statistics class when we almost kissed?" "No." "Oh." "Okay." "That's not important then." " Listen to me." " Hello, Rebecky." "Here's the another kamikaze you wanted." " Number four." " Number four already?" " Oh my Atlanta." " How do you say "four" in Russian?" "It's..." "Use your teeth and your tongue." "Oh, I'm sorry." "Vince, this is Igor." "Igor, Vince." "Hello, Vince." "Would you like a red cup" " full of party drink?" " What the hell are you doing here?" "I'm working on kamikaze number..." "I'm a big girl, Vince." "I'm allowed to drink." "Yeah, I know, but not with this asshole." "Oh!" "Why would you say that?" "This is the first time we've met ever." " What is your problem?" " My problem?" "This guy's a piece of shit" " and his boots broke a chair over my back yesterday." " Oh, it's lies!" " My boots would never break a chair." " No no no." " He loves carpentry." " I love my maple." "Yesterday?" "Why aren't you with your wife?" "She's a lesbian, evidently always has been." "I caught her cheating on me with her maid of honor." " How controversial." " That's not important." "Listen to me." "I'm in love with you." "I always have been." "Okay." ""Okay"?" "That's it?" ""Okay. " "Okay"?" "I guess." "I don't really know what you want me to say." "Oh, this is painfully awkward, okay?" "So let's no more of it." "Rebecky, would you like to see my bed?" "It's a tempur-pedic." "Uh, maybe later." "I see." "Well, the night is still young." "What?" "To your health." " No, hold on." " Oh!" "What did you do that for, asshole?" "!" "His boots just tried to drug you." " My boots would never do that!" " I just say no to drug." "Rebecky, you are soaking wet." "Please, go to the top floor." "It's the penthouse." "It's my room." "Go into my closet, take whatever you like." "Thank you, Igor." "You're quite the gentleman." "I'll see you soon." "Hey." "What the hell are you doing?" "I'm going to make bangs with the woman you love." "How controversial." "I'm fat." "I can't run." "I'm fat." "I need to go to the gym." "They are walking really fast." "This does not seem normal." "My God, he's slow." "Oh God!" "Oh, I've got a cramp!" "Okay, can you just..." "Make bangs with someone else?" " I'm trying to talk to her." " Mmm." "She's a little older than I like, but I'm going to make an exception for her, because she is in tip-top shape." "Uh-oh uh-oh uh-oh, boots." "I think that she is the woman he loves and he has yet to round her baseball bases." " Oh." " Is that right?" "I'll do you a favor." "I'll let you know how she likes it." "Or better yet, I'll have boots v. C.R. It and you can watch it yourself later." "How controversial." "Oh yeah." "Now if you'll excuse me," "I'd like to be inside of her." "Where do you think you're going, you haggis-eating bastard?" "Oh, if it isn't Bret Michaels from the poisons." "We have unfinished business." "You will have to wait until I finish my nailings." "No fucking way." "I demand satisfaction now, and I challenge you to a controversial-off." "Yeah, we take turns." "First one who can't stand to watch, loses." "I know how it works." "Do you accept?" " Nyet." " Are you afraid, Mr. controversial?" "Are you pussying out on me?" "No." "I have more important things to do and you are not worth my time." "You are not controversial in the least." "Your controversy is a fake controversy." "You do it only to hide your insecurities." "But you're not actually controversial." "You pretend to love things like..." "Pickup trucks and cheeseburgers and titties." "But you don't love cheeseburgers and pickup trucks and titties." "You only pretend to love those things because it's what you think is controversial." "But you cannot play my game of controversy." "In the game of controversy, you are the Washington generals." "Challenge." "You think you know controversy?" "Just like I know that the holocaust never happened." " Controversial!" " Racist." "What do you think, boots?" "I thinks you has yourself a controversial-off!" "What do you think you're doing?" "Buying you some time." "Go talk to her." "Just go." "It'll be fine." "What the fuck is wrong with you?" "You can't take this guy." " These Europeans are the real asshole deal!" " I can do this." "Don't try to win." "Just buy Vince a couple of minutes." "Fuck that." "I can win this." "Snap out of it." "You're not even close to ready for this." "I have 22 years of repressed asshole that has been boiling up inside of me, waiting for this very moment." "I am the only one who can win this." "If you don't think I can do it, then get the fuck out of my way, pick up your slaphappy dick and beat your down-syndrome sister with it." "Give him hell." "Hey." "I'm sorry about that." "Vince, please just leave." "Did you hear what I said down there?" "I'm..." "I'm in love with you." "I was sure you felt the same way." "Of course I do, Vince." "I always have." "But why now?" "You're married." "Technically, yes." "But I think I found a loophole." "What?" "Ladies first." "Whoa!" "All right!" "Yeah!" "All right!" "All right." "Oh my God, are you kidding?" "Your move, cupcake." "Hey, guys." "Listen, I didn't say anything." "That was my little friend." "I love Asian people." "Good... good food." "Great food." "Fuck." "Whoa!" "All right, we're..." "we're all gentlemen here." "I think we can act accordingly." "Those are badass." "Not necessary." " Uh, guys..." " Hey, yo!" "What the fuck are you bitches doing, huh?" "That delightful white boy belongs with us." " What's up?" " Yeah, I guess they didn't see our hanky chiefs." " Seriously?" " Now it's official." "No, it's not." "No, you're married." " This thing was stupid, anyway." " No no." "Look, stupid, maybe;" "Married, yes." "But if you look closely... page one, paragraph one, article one... it says "happily married. "." "Okay?" "And..." "I don't think" "I could ever be happy without you in my life." "He does know what a blood job is." "Boots." "Hand me your feces." "Motherfucker!" "Not gonna fizzle me!" "Do you have any idea how hard it is to watch you be engaged and make the flowers for your wedding and your bride-to-be?" "I didn't just decide one day to be cool with us never happening." "That doesn't happen overnight." "It's really hard to do." "You have to work up to it." "And now you show up two days after I watched you get married and I said my final goodbye." "And you just expect me to undo years of coming to terms with something like this?" "Fuck you, Vince." "No, wait." "Hold on." "This isn't easy for me either, okay?" "Oh God, no!" "Oh!" "Oh, looks like soft-serve!" "Very good." "Relax." "Ohno!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh oh, no!" "Oh, man, come on!" "Fuck!" "Fuck." "Get out of here, Brady." "You're too pretty." "You break into that lady's house?" "Ow!" "Yes!" "Ow!" "Of course I did!" "I did a pretty shitty job hiding it," " so you're just as guilty as I am!" " Where the fuck is Vince?" " Igor's penthouse." " You all right?" " Yeah, I'll be all right." " Good." "I thought I had everything going exactly the way I planned." "And then I found out I was dead wrong about all of it." "But I get it now." "I get it." "I... nobody can just say that everything is gonna be a certain way from this point on just because that's the way they want it to be." "What?" "Life throws you curves all the time, and they can suck." "But sometimes life gives you a second chance." " This one just happened to come at a really really inconvenient time." "This should never have been a backup plan." "Oh." "Oh, look, how cute." "He looks like the bellagio." "Let's see how you like the mama bird, motherfucker." "Boots," "I'll need more feces." "Much more." "Now what?" "!" "Whoo!" "I got him!" "I got him!" "Go to sleep!" "Go to sleep!" "Just go to sleep." "Shh!" "Shh!" "Look, I lost everything in the last two days... everything that I thought that I wanted." "And honestly," "I'm absolutely fine with that if it means that you and I get a second chance to do what we should've done a long time ago." "I thought about that near-kiss in statistics for... for years after that." " Oh no!" " Mmm!" "Yes, boots." "You've done it again." "Ooh!" "Would you have me?" "I'd have me." "Nobody wins!" " Nobody wins!" " I'd have me hard." "Look at me." "I'm a millionaire!" "I'm a monopoly man!" "I'm a monopoly man with a boot." "Don't pass "go. " Don't collect drachmas." "Look at me!" "Look at me!" "I'm wearing kulats!" "I am fashion..." "fashion and fun!" "Shh!" "Shh!" "Just go to sleep." "Go to sleep." "I got him!" "I got him!" "Oh fuck." "Oh shit." "Come here." "♪ Hello, my baby, hello, my honey... ♪" "Hmm hmm, can you dig it?" "Oh no!" "Getthefuckoff me!" "Dog style!" "Controversial, motherfucker." "It is old ass, but it is good ass!" "Who's next?" "Who's next?" "!" "Whoo!" "You are the Washington genitals." " No, don't listen to him." " No!" "What?" "My boots." "Let's get the fuck out of here." "Top-notch gang banging." "That... oh my God." "You guys... that... that's badass." "Look it." " You're my guys." " Yeah, well, we take care of our own, son." " Remember that." " That's what I'm talking about." "Oh my God." "All right." "I gotta clear the air here." "Boyz II Men?" "Yeah, demolition was in boyz ii men." "I knew it!" "I knew it!" "Oh, I am such a fan." " Thank you." "Appreciate it." " Oh, timeless." "Timeless." "Sorry." "One... one..." "one second." " Okay." " Okay." "Hello, Mr. Vanderplatt." "Hey hey, Vince." "Just calling to remind you that tomorrow is the biggest day in the history of my... scratch that..." "our company." "Oh." "No sir." "I wouldn't miss that for the world." " I'm very excited." " Now you're talking." "That's just what I wanna hear." "I'll see you tomorrow morning." "Yes sir." " 9:00 A.M. sharp." " Oh, and, Vince?" "Do me a favor... call me dad." "What?" "What's wrong?" "You don't wanna give all that up." "And I would never ask you to." "So please don't try to squeeze me into your 10-year plan... where I don't fit anymore and where you never really wanted me in the first place." "Hey." "I gave you my word I'd have you home by the morning." "Let's go home." "♪ I left on a Friday" "♪ with my clothes and my books ♪" "♪ I walked for a second" "♪ gave your house one last look ♪" "♪ the thought of you in there ♪" "♪ as I stepped in the cab" "♪ it's gonna be a long while, girl ♪" "♪ before I see you again" "♪ and I left a postcard" "♪ beneath the..." "Brady, what are you still doing here?" "Facebook-stalked you." ""Awful trip." "Last day in Atlantic city." "Going for one last run. "." "What do you want?" "Look, you break his heart, I'll kill you." " Figuratively, of course." " No, really." "I'll take a tire iron and break your knees." "I'll keep that in mind." " Hey." " Vince, let's please not do this again." "Wait." "Don't you have a meeting to be at?" "Yeah, I..." "I might've been a bit overstated with my words." "Right on time." "Hello, Mr. Vanderplatt." "Vince, I'm here with the yakitoris and..." "Well, you've never been late." "And I'm just wondering if you're well and on your way here right now." "I'm..." "I'm quite well, sir, but I don't think I'll be making it in today." "Vince." "I'm sure you understand that it's in your best interest to be here at all costs and that the yakitoris would be very honored with your presence and very dishonored with your absence." "Well, then allow me to impart to them, in their native tongue, my deepest apologies." "Well, yeah, that's the least you could do." "You're such a nerd." "Well... so, what did he say?" "How dishonorable!" "So what did end up happening last night?" "Oh!" "What a little bitch." "That controversial bastard." "So what comes next?" "I have no idea." "♪ Mancation, mancation" "♪ dudes are partying all across the nation ♪" "♪ no wives or girlfriends to put the brakes on ♪" "♪ drinking beer and partying, it's a mancation ♪" "♪ whoa whoa" "♪ mancation" "♪ whoa whoa" "♪ mancation" "♪ mancation, mancation" " ♪ party party." " ♪ Yeah!" "Yeah!" "♪ Mancation, mancation, mancation ♪" " ♪ party party." " ♪ Yeah!" "Yeah!" "♪ Mancation, whoa whoa" "♪ mancation" "♪ whoa whoa" "♪ mancation" "♪ mancation, mancation" " ♪ party party." " ♪ Yeah!" "Yeah!" " ♪ Mancation." " ♪ Yeah!" "♪ Mancation, mancation" " ♪ party party." " ♪ Yeah!" "Yeah!" "♪ Mancation, whoa whoa" "♪ mancation" "♪ whoa whoa" "♪ mancation" "♪ yeah!" "♪ I left on a Friday" "♪ with my clothes and my books ♪" "♪ I walked for a second" "♪ gave your house one last look ♪" "♪ the thought of you in there" "♪ as I stepped in the cab" "♪ it's gonna be a long while... ♪"