"I can't believe they're playing these old matches." "Legendary." " Camel clutch!" " That's not a camel clutch." "That is a camel clutch." "Gentlemen, hi." " I'd just like a moment of your time." " Jess, you can't turn that off." " I have a word that's gonna change your life." " No." " Bathtub." "NICK:" "Bathtub's two words." "SCHMIDT:" "It's one word." "NICK: "Bathtub" is two words." " How come I'm James Brown?" " When you don't smile, you get replaced." "You come home after a long, hard day at work." "You wanna relax, but how?" "How about soaking in a glorious, bubbly pool for one, sipping the nectar of the gods?" " I don't get it, is this bath water?" " Might as well be." "It's rosé." "Burn notice, France." "JESS:" "Now that I'm working again..." " Don't do this." "...I'd love to come home and soak in a beautiful bathtub." " Bathtubs are medieval filth cauldrons." "Pass." " It's a waste of money, Jess." "I'm not interested in simmering in testicle tea for 20 minutes." "Loft vote." "No." " No." " Feel like I'm at a garden party." "Winston, what are you talking about?" "Loft vote." "What?" "Yeah, no, duh, of course." " Okay, you know what?" "Loft vote..." "NICK  SCHMIDT:" "Nay." " Loft vote..." "MEN:" "Nay." "NICK:" "Loft vote on turning wrestling back on." " Yeah." " Camel clutch." "Camel clutch." " No." "[SINGING] Who's that girl?" "CHORUS:" "Who's that girl?" " It's Jess" "Hey, Schmidt." "Do you wanna pitch on the new Double V campaign?" " I'm all about the Double V. What is that?" " A new vodka filled with vitamins." "Double V. What do you think?" "You know, I've never been considered to run an account before." "Wait." "Wait, is this just?" "Is this because we used to bingity-bangity?" "No, of course not." "Take a look at the specs and come into my office tomorrow in your best suit and, uh, blow me away with your take." " My best suit?" "I can put on my best suit." "Okay." "Wasted project, Nick, huh?" "Herringbone?" "How did you get in here?" "JESS:" "To Schmidt, sleeping his way to the top." "SCHMIDT:" "Cheers to me." "I hope you like it." "I poured that one for you." "Drink it up." "This is coming off weird." "It's creepy, right?" " Go get her." " I can't talk to Thirsty." " Thirsty?" " I don't know her name, so I call her Thirsty." " Thirsty Mendelson." " You made her Jewish?" " I didn't." " Mendelson, not Jewish?" " Well, Thirsty..." " Last name Mendelson, Jewish." " Tell you her first name too." "It's Rachel." " You're ruining my thing." "What I have with Thirsty is perfect." "She's surly like I'm surly, and she rolls her eyes at everybody like I roll my eyes at everybody." "She likes to drink in the afternoon, I like to drink in the afternoon." " Go talk to her." " No, I can't." "That breaks the first rule of bartending:" "Never cross the bar." "Because once you cross the bar, it gets messy." "Sky, Rudy just wants her $200 back." "Neither of you has the right bra for this." "Excuse me, have you seen Rhonda?" "Have you seen the ferret lady?" "Why am I doing this?" "[SCREAMS]" "Never cross the bar." "Your rules have gotten you so far." " Classic Nick Miller." " You got it." "Hey, Jess." " You wanna help me at the jukebox?" " Oh, my God, yes." "I've always wanted to." " I was gonna go "Raspberry Beret," but..." " if we're gonna go Prince, we should..." "I wanna talk to you about your bathtub pitch." "I love baths." "I do." "Back in Latvia, we had a great tub." "And I tell you what, there are parts of my butt only a tub can clean." "Ew, but okay." "Here's what we do so the guys don't know." "We're gonna split the 400 bucks for the tub, hide it on the roof install it in the middle of the night and pretend you did it without our permission." "Or we could just say that you wanted a tub too." "How about we just keep this a Jess and Winston thing?" "[SIGHS]" " Hey, Cece, you okay?" " Yeah, I'm good." "Just broke up with Robby." "I'll make you a drink." "What ha...?" "What happened?" "Um, I told him I had to start getting serious about having kids and he said, "Okay, that's cool."" "But then that's all he said for the next eight hours and he hasn't said anything to me since." "So terrible." "I just..." "I can't even..." " Mm-hm." "SCHMIDT:" "Wow." "I mean, that's..." "But I mean, there's..." "Cool." "It's cool." " Because you're single." "You're single." " Really subtle." " Technically you're single." "Are you not?" " I have to get serious about my future." "Otherwise my mom is gonna set me up with 100 sweet, gentle, painfully boring Indian guys." "SCHMIDT:" "Oh, my God, your mother." "[IN INDIAN ACCENT] "I want to control your life."" "That's how my parents met." "They had a beautiful, healthy marriage." "I respect your parents." "I do." "I respect everything they..." "Look what they've created." "Look at that." "Look at your beauty, with your hair." "I'd eat it out of a bowl, your hair." "I'd put it in a bowl and I'd eat your hair." "CECE:" "Oh, my God." "Hey, Cece." "I know it's unexpected that I'm here." "It's because I wanted to tell you something." "You my boo." "You my boo and I..." "And I..." "I've been missing you." " I've been missing you oh, so long." " You know what's weird?" " I don't find this weird anymore." " How long you been standing there?" "How much of that did you hear?" "I'm in love, man." " I'm in love with Cece." " Everyone knows that." "You always have been." " I gotta tell her, man." " You should." "That sounds great." " Do I have your blessing?" " My blessing?" "I don't think you need my blessing." "Do your thing." " You're my best friend." "I want your blessing." " Fine, you got my blessing, okay?" " What is this?" " Give me a hug." "Give me a hug." "Give me a hug." "Nick, give me a hug." "Give me..." "Ow!" "Good stuff." " Thank you." " Come on." "All right, looks good." "No leaks." " We did it." "Ha, ha." " Yeah, we did." " Oh, my God." "Oh, my God." " Mm!" "Mm!" " It's flooding." "Do something!" " Are you ser...?" "No, no!" "JESS:" "I've never wished I was dead more." "Schmidt's gonna freak out." "He once told me he spent $300 on a pocket square." "No!" " Am I overreacting?" " No, that's about right." "There you go." "Good as new." "Ah." "So I've, uh, handled this one-man job." "Any two-man jobs you want us to tackle?" " I think we're good." "Thanks, Remy." " You sure there's not something else?" "Maybe in the lady's bedroom?" "Uh, yeah, I think we're done." "Thank you, Remy." "I will return your ladder when I feel like it." "Thank you, bye." "He is so weird." "Um, okay, so phase two." "Didn't Schmidt make us get renter's insurance when he tore down that rafter with the sex swing?" "Jess, we fake a robbery." "We fake a robbery for the insurance." " That's a great idea." "Yeah." " We're a couple of meth-heads." "Boom." "[IN RASPY VOICE] Got any meth?" "Got any rings on your fingers?" "I need them for meth." "Get it all, get it all, get it all." "Whoa!" "Do we have to steal my mustache trimmer?" "[IN RASPY VOICE] This is worth three bowls of sweet meth." "[RASPS]" " This?" "This?" " [IN NORMAL VOICE] No." "No." "This?" "I just don't think the meth-heads would want anything in this room." " What about this?" " Our land line?" "[IN RASPY VOICE] To me it looks like a meth sandwich." "Don't hog all the meth, Daddy." " [IN NORMAL VOICE] Did you hit this already?" " No, did you?" "No." "THIRSTY:" "What are you doing?" " You're smothering me." "I'm done." "THIRSTY:" "Sit back down." " Leave me your wallet." "Ugh." " Enjoy yourself." "I'm out of here." "[THE BABIES' "ON MY TEAM" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]" "Would you like a whiskey?" " What?" " I said that because I know you like whiskey." "You're a whiskey girl like me." "You're a whiskey girl?" " I'm Nick." " I'm Angie." "Heh." "Angie." "Angie, Angie." "What are you standing there for?" "Grab a bottle and get me drunk, idiot." "I couldn't drink with you, I work here." "Heh." "Just kidding, I get drunk, like, all the time." "I got a drinking thing." "You got it." "I also have all the access to pistachios if you want, like, a full..." "I'll make my own mind up on that." "SCHMIDT:" "Took my doctor's-appointment suit." "He took El Capitan!" "Damn it." "The only thing he left was my summer suit with the lightning on the back." "I keep that in my summer bin along with my summer condoms." "Citrus flavored for a more refreshing summer experience." " That's ajar." " Jar for sure, yeah." "Look at this." "Took my suits." "Left the..." "Left the douche-bag jar." " Typical meth-head." " Typical meth-head." "Good thing that I have a security camera in there." "I'm gonna download the footage and ID this SOB." "He's going down." "NICK:" "I respect the amount you drink." " Oh, FYI, these drinks aren't free." " Well, joke's on you." "Mike left with my money." "Oh, really?" "Then how you gonna pay for the drinks?" "Oh." "Probably with sex." "[LAUGHS]" " Sorry." " Ha, ha." "That is not pretty." " I was gonna let you have sex with Mike." " Oh..." " What?" "It's good." " That was an old switcheroo." "I just wanna say, you two, uh..." " What?" " No, I don't wanna say." " Come on, what?" " I don't wanna say." "It's not my place." "I'm not afraid of it but..." "He's kind of an ass." "Damn it." " That's..." " You think I should break up with Mike?" " No." "No, that is not my place to..." " Well, you did." "It is your place." "I've been drinking with you and I feel like you're luring me in." "Dump his ass!" "Damn it." "Ha, ha." "I can't believe you'd say that to me." "You should mind your own business." "So many years of footage." "This is from last May." " I was trying to add an extra ab muscle." " I can't take it." "This is when I was experimenting with faux-hawks." " I can't take it, Jess." " What are you doing?" " You're gonna blow this." " My face is numb." " This is when I was lowering my bar sexually." " Why is my face numb?" " Tighten up." " Okay." "Yeah." "I can't believe this is happening." "It's such an important day." " What's happening today?" " I just have to look good, okay?" "Not like some Ukrainian dentist." "Oh, my God." "[WINSTON PANTING]" " Jess, I'm dying." "I'm dying, Jess." " What's wrong with you?" "WINSTON:" "Jess, pretend you're not seeing this." "Schmidt, this isn't a good time." "Cece, please, just..." "Just open the box." "[COOING]" " You brought a pigeon into my house?" " I couldn't find a dove." "Come on, Petey." "[SCHMIDT COOS]" "It was supposed to fly out when you opened the lid." " What are you doing?" " I love you, Cece." "And I have been in love with you for so long." "I used to think it was just a heavy like, but it's love." "There it goes." "Is this real for you?" "Yes." "Cece, I'm ready for a serious commitment." "I'm up for a huge promotion at work." "I'm ready to have kids with you if that's what you want." " You wanna have kids?" " Let's go right now." "Let's make a kid." "Take your top off." "Schmidt, my mother, she's gonna hate you." "Okay?" "You're Jewish." "She hates Jews." "I mean, she really hates them." "Everybody hates the Jews." "Your mom's in the majority." "I'll convert to Indianism." "Hinda..." "Hindi?" "To Indiani..." "Indiani..." "Indi..." "Buddhism?" "Budd...?" "In...?" "Schmidt, we have so much going against us." "Let's have dinner." "Tonight." " Okay." " Cool." "No, yeah, cool." "Just give me a second." "[SIGHS]" "Yes." "I'm sorry." " Winston, are you out of your head?" "WINSTON:" "Security camera." " What are you doing?" "WINSTON:" "Schmidt has a security camera." " Why would I think he didn't?" " Oh, you're a briefs man." " I was hoping I'd never find out." " Jess, we should not have gone for that tub." "I just like bubbles so much." " Winston, I think you're having a panic attack." " Hmm?" "Hey, Jess." "No." "I'm, uh..." "This is just the willies." "The what?" "The willies?" "The same thing that happened when I took my driver's test." "Go ahead and start the car." "[PANTING AND SCREAMING]" "No!" "No!" "No!" " A lot of people get panic attacks." " The willies." "My dad used to get them every time he had to make a left turn." "It'd take two and a half hours to drive to school." " We'd drive around Portland making right turns." " Ha, ha." " Okay." " It's okay." " Okay." " It's really okay." "Are you gonna tell anybody about my underwear?" "I really want to." "But I won't." " Where is he?" "Where's Nick?" "ANGIE:" "It's over, Mike." "Stop it." "Hey." "You Nick?" "Whoa, I'm not Nick." "Nick has pinkeye." "I'm Ricardo." " Let it go." " This is Nick, isn't it?" "You're a dead man." "I'm gonna..." "Unh!" " I had it handled." " He was gonna kill you." "I've seen him do it." " I know someone who can stitch him up." " Okay, this is disgusting." "I'm out there every night balling to the max and you expect me to do what just stop and chew up some cherry-flavored multi-V?" "No, thanks." "I'll take my vitamins on the rocks." "Double V." "Heart, spirit, body, party." "You gotta get specific about this vodka." "Have you tried Double V?" " No." " Let's open up this bitch." "Let's open up..." "Okay." "Um, I kind of..." "We're gonna do every vitamin in alphabetical order." "Each shot that you do makes me know you're going that extra mile." " Emma, I really..." " Is there something more important than work?" " What?" " Okay." "No, I..." "No, no, no." "All right, we'll do it." "Don't feel weird, Winston." "Everybody has their weird thing." "Even me." "Look, I'm gonna tell you something about myself." "I am really claustrophobic." " Jess, I don't believe you." " No, seriously, watch." " You seem fine to me." " I seem fine, but if I close the door it's gonna feel like I'm dying." "Even more than a real death." "It just feels like death plus more death." " Okay, this is silly." " I'm gonna be okay." "I know you're out there." " Mm-hm." " And you can help me." "Oh, my God." "Okay." "[JESS PANTING]" " Jess, this is not funny, Jess." " Let me out." " Can you open up the door?" "It's closed." " Jess?" "Oh, my God, the door is stuck." " Jess, the door is stuck!" " Oh!" "It's so hot." "Jess, come on now, this is not funny." "Jess, this is not..." "Oh, my goodness, is it hot." "NICK:" "So you're not a nurse?" "ANGIE:" "Who said I was a nurse?" "You said somebody at work can do stitches." "Who does stitches at a strip club?" "Someone need stitches?" "Let me get my needle and my bifocals." " Be right back." " Okay, let's get you down." " Right next to that dirty pole." " Okay, good." "Really nice place." "Uh, this is where you work?" "Are you the ticket taker?" " No, I'm a stripper." " Yeah." "But what is it that you do?" " Stripper." " Because college is so expensive..." " I'm a stripper." " But only topless." " Completely naked." " Mike, where's my taco...?" "What happened?" "He remembered he was married to you, so he tried to beat the memory out of his brain." " Oh!" " You stupid bitch." "[ALL SHOUTING]" "Ladies." "Stop fighting." "Hey, hey." "Stop this now." "Don't stop this." "I'm super aroused." "I think I just became a dirt bag." "Why did I cross the bar?" "Aah!" "I did it." "I'm here for dinner." "I made it." " It's really late." " We got the account." "I was with my boss." "We did it." " You were with your boss?" " What?" "The woman who made you sign a contract so she could have sex with you?" "No." "No." " Uh, yeah." "No." " Yeah." "But nothing happened." "She just wanted me to taste the V." "That came out wrong." "I thought about her." "I thought about the boss's boobs once." "They're still real nice, but I have no connection to them emotionally whatsoever." "Nothing." "Cece, I can pay for our baby's college now." "Literally anywhere they wanna go." "UCLA, UMass, any of the U schools." " I love you so much." " You should probably..." "Oh, not..." "It's okay." "Cece, I'm gonna pee in my swimsuit..." "Hey, Mom, it's me." "I think I'm ready to have you set me up." "This is not a prank." "Call me back." "[GRUNTS]" "WINSTON:" "Oh, my goodness." "Thank you, man." "REMY:" "Oh, I see." "If you guys have been playing hard to get, you don't have to." "I am totally ready to get mixed up in this choco-vanilla shake." "No." "Yeah, you know what I'm talking about here." " I'm talking about doing it with both of you." " I know." "We got it, Remy." "We got it." "This never happened." "WINSTON:" "Jess, I just wanna say thank you." "I thought I was the only crazy one, but you're nuts as well." "Oh, I'm straight-up bananas, Winston." "Next time that happens to you, just come to me and I'll help you keep your pants on." "So, what are we gonna do about Schmidt's suits?" "I feel like there's a very obvious solution." "[JESS  WINSTON GRUNTING]" "SCHMIDT:" "Oh, come on." "Again?" "[BOTH PANTING]" "Thank God." " The meth-heads came back." " They brought your suits back." "They don't fit." "They did the right thing because they're drug addicts." "They're not monsters." "They actually got them dry-cleaned, deluxe package, very pricey." "Why did they tie you up?" "They kept saying, "Argh, I'm so hungry for more meth." You know?" ""Let's get rid of these suits." "These clean suits."" "Jess and I want a tub." "We want candles and bubbles." "Oh, damn it, Schmidt, we want bubbles, man." "I wanna cover everything on my body with bubbles." "You know, then just blow them off like this:" "Whew, whew." "And laugh." "Ha, ha." "Get a tub, man." "Let's get a tub." "I don't care." " Hey." " You okay?" "What's wrong?" "I told Cece that I loved her." "Then I got drunk and she called her mom..." "[SIGHS] ...and she's going brown." "She wants to marry a brown man." " Oh." "Schmidt." " Schmidt." "WINSTON:" "Hey, man." "Hey, hey, hey." " Hey." " Hold it right there." " Let it go, man." "Let it go." "Okay." "How'd you guys get out of your ties?" "[DR. DOG'S "WHAT A FOOL" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]" "Hey." " Hey." " What can I get you to drink, Angie?" "Oh, no, I don't..." "I just wanna hang out." "I've got this rule:" "Never cross the bar." "And I broke that rule, and..." "Look, these 18 inches of oak are the only thing that separates me from guys like Sid over there." "No disrespect." "I got your next round." "I don't have any rules." "Don't do..." "Don't..." "No customers behind the bar." "[OVER SPEAKERS] In time" "That a broken heart is fine" "Oh, Sid." "You gotta..." "You're killing me." "Sit down and drink your beer." "I'm a man with feelings." "Feelings that are bubbling up inside of me and they're about to explode." "I'd like for those feelings to explode on you." "You got this, dawg." "Look at you, dawg." "Look at you." "Look at your face, dawg." "Look at your face." "You got this, son." "[SINGING] Well, I love you" "And I've never said those words" "Well, I love you From the bo..." "[CLEARS THROAT]"