"d This wheel's on fire d Rolling down the road d Best notify my next of kin d This wheel shall explode d" "Horrible, unfashionable clothes that I simply would not wear, because they are not in fashion." "I put them in a pile to throw out." "I thought you put them on, dear." " What's that doing here?" "I thought I'd make the most of the house while you can still afford it." "Thank you." "How is it when I look at you all I see is wear and tear?" "I say, I remember those trousers." " No, you don't." "Still hung on to those." "I'm surprised you can still get into them." "It was rather like trying to get toothpaste back into the tube even then." "These are new." "Tell her, Saffy, the Seventies are back." "Does that mean you'll be voting Labour again, dear?" "I always voted Labour, sweetie." "I'm only talking about fashion." "Thank God." "I wouldn't want to go through that childhood again." "Darling, make Mummy a cup of coffee." "Darling, sweetie." "From the machine." "Oh, chapaccino." " Ca-pu-cci-no, all right?" "Oh, go on, darling." "Make the most of Mummy, before you run away to be a student." "Oh, you told her, dear." "Well done." "Why anybody wants to be a student nowadays is a mystery to me." "No fun, darling." "No demos, no experimental drug taking." "You're just industry fodder, darling." "At least in my day people used to go to university to close them down." "What will your protest be?" "Stripy tights and Liquorice Allsort earrings?" "Call out the National Guard." " She's just jealous, dear." "I could've been a student." " "Thick as two short planks", her report said." "It did not say that!" "It did not say that." "Ask Patsy." "She wrote most of them." "There's no milk." " Haven't Harrods been yet?" "They're normally here by now." " I'll pop out and get some." "That'd be a complete waste of money." " How would you know?" "When was the last time you bought a carton of milk?" "A carton...?" "Stop it, let's not get all hung up about money, darling." "It's all pounds, shillings and pence to me." "Probably was, the last time you had anything to do with it." "The Queen carries more cash." "Your whole life is on account." "I'll have it black, all right?" " I'll have a black chapuccino, Saffy." "Espresso." " Yes, I am in rather a hurry." "As a matter of fact, I'd better be off." "I want to catch the post." "Oh, dear." "What a strange archaic little world you live in." "Bye, Gran." " Just leave." "Oh, that reminds me." "Just leave, and go straight out that front door." "Do not go upstairs to my bedroom and steal things." "I don't know what she's talking about." "She's deranged." "I passed that sad little excuse for a charity shop yesterday." "I saw your little piece of handiwork in the window." "Must be the only genuine Lacroix, Versace, quilted bedspread in existence." "Gran!" " It was in a bin liner." "It was my dry-cleaning!" "Get out." "Bye, Gran." " Goodbye, dear." "By the way, if you do hit hard times and if there's anything you need to sell, my friend Hermione has this little shop." ""Bric 'n' Brac 'n' Knick 'n' Knacks-any old things." ""Any old junk taken"." "Why don't you trade yourself in?" "Get out, go." "She'd give you a very good price." " Just leave." "I'm only trying to help." "Arriva derky." " Bye, Gran." "Gran." "Gran?" "Mum and Gran?" "Mum and Gran, Mum and Gran." "Depressing." "It's like something out of EastEnders." "Like Moomy or Nanu or Old Kaka." "Light, light, light, light!" "Light!" "Light!" "Light!" "Light!" "Oh, dear, Pats." "Honestly." " Bloody hell!" "Not another no-smoking cab, Pats?" "They must see you coming these days." "Bloody bastard asthmatic cab driver." "I hope you refused to pay him this time." "It was one of your account cabs, Eds." "You should get him fired." "Not only do you want the man to die of passive smoking, you also want to deny him a living." "I suppose we're shortening your life, are we?" " If only." "For your information, you'd have to take big lung bucketfuls to make any difference." "Not little wasp breaths." "And excuse me if I sue when I die prematurely of passive boredom." "Of dull as dishwater daughter-induced stress, all right." "Whole hour it took." "I nearly didn't make it." "Why didn't you use those nicotine patches?" " I did." "They're all dead now." "Can you take the ones off my back?" "Ready?" " Yeah, yeah." "Ready?" " OK." "They're actually leeching something out of your skin rather than the other way around." "She's probably recharging them." " Careful." "Don't rip so hard." "Be careful." "At her age the flesh slides off the bone like a well-cooked chicken." "There are some people who'd pay a lot of money for Patsy's body." "Morticians." "How much do you think you'd get for a ready-embalmed carcass?" "No wonder she's always been refused a donor card." "Go on, get her, get her." "A little sniff around Gucci, sidle up to Ralph Lauren, pass through Browns and then on to Quags for a light lunch." "Tell her." "I've just got to pop into..." " Mum!" "I've got to meet my accountant." " Why?" "Because her bastard father and Marshall are trying to cut off my alimony payments." "She's been bleeding them dry for years." " Do you want us to be poor?" "You'll be poor...?" "!" " That's got you worried." "Eddie, we simply cannot allow them to cut us off like this." "Listen, sweetie, it is not alimony, it is compensation." "For what?" "It's damages for those long crippling hours of labour I went through on your behalf." "You had a Caesarean." " Yes, I know I had a Caesarean but... how do you think it feels to see your stomach still smiling back up at you?" "Let's go." " Let's go, darling." "Little meeting, big lunch." "Do you think Quags or Daphne's?" "Don't panic, everything's under control." " Mum, relax, we are a bit early." "He's not here." "Let's make a quick getaway before the bastard arrives." "No, we can't, darling." "Where's Bubble?" " Is this it?" "Oh, gosh." "Bubble, wake up!" "Wake up, darling!" "Like a tea-break on a Thunderbird set." "Somebody operate her, please!" "Creepers..." "Blimey, you're 'ere!" "Was I asleep?" "Hard to tell." " I must've been here for hours." "I'll be really annoyed if I missed lunch." " It's eleven o'clock." "I'm just really tired." " Do we have to listen to all this?" "We have time on our hands, thanks to Saff." " I turned on the... what-do-you-call-it this morning." " Radio?" "I want to say telephone." "No, it's not right." "It's not right..." "You look at it." "Television." " That's it." "Good Morning Television." "Hello!" "Which I don't normally do because I find myself falling back to sleep like that." "Good Morning Television, my God." "If they could market that in pill form, Switzerland would plunge into a recession." "So they said, "Leave home now, there's a strike on the buses." It was really urgent." "So I did, and I got here hours ago." " On the Tube?" "No, I only live down the road." "I walk here." "So they must be bonkers." "I wonder what they tell everyone else." "Have you seen my accountant?" "She's talking to you." " Oh..." "What does he look like?" "He looks like an accountant, doesn't he?" "A paper-pusher, always dealing with salaries larger than his own, and resenting every second." "Mum, come on!" "How many times can you go to the toilet?" "I had to get rid of Bubble." "I don't want her knowing my business." "Chance would be a fine thing." "Sorry, Malcolm." "You make my money look like less so my husband can't cut me off, all right." "First of all we should look at the fiscal..." " Oh, God, I'm bored!" "Don't be intimidated, Eddie." "Look at him!" "There's nothing macho about having "O" level Maths, a floppy disc and a personality bypass." "Mum, this meeting is for you!" "Malcolm has come to help you." "Now, sit down and shut up!" "I'm sorry, Malcolm." "OK, go on." " First, the question of alimony is settled." "There we are." "Come on, Pats." " You're no longer receiving payments." "What?" "!" " You bastard!" "They can't do that." " They have." "You knew about this, didn't you, sweetie?" "Malcolm..." "Am I... poor?" " Just yes or no." "Let me explain..." "If you expend the 38%, then all liabilities with the necessary adjustments can be done in respect of your company, which I find rather exciting." "With the accumulation of overpayments on outstanding tax liability, a lesser amount is due." "So, let's move on to the..." " I just want to know how much money I've got!" "Why will you never tell me?" "I've got two businesses, haven't I?" "Oh, yes, your "businesses"." "Why did you do that?" "What's that?" "What's that?" "This is... this is a top PR company." "There must be money in it, isn't there?" "There will always be talented, creative people in need of publicity." "If they were talented and creative, they wouldn't need me." "We're talking "Planet Hollywood"." " Exactly." "There's not much profit at the moment." " What about my shop?" "We were wondering about that in the office." "Stock goes and comes, but isn't paid for." "Most of it is in our sitting room." " Darling, you didn't have to tell him that!" "I'd like to think of my home as a showroom." " Tell Mum what she can do." "Listen, Mum!" "You could sell off your... businesses and live quite happily on the proceeds." "Are you mad?" "Do you mean make myself unemployed?" "Have you any idea what the government do to unemployed people, darling?" "They are forced to do community service!" "Putting loft insulation into urine-stinking old people's homes for the incontinent!" "Not me, darling!" "You two conspirators can think again." "Well, we'll have to go through your monthly bills and see where a cut could be made." "Business, business!" "That's my flowers-business." "Pedicure and nose plugging?" " Busin..." "Don't look at me like that!" "It is very important for business for me to look good, and that costs money!" "I'm not like Saffy." "I can't walk around looking like..." "A stale old piece of toast." " Exactly." "It takes more than a cold flannel and some Body Shop oatmeal scrub for me, you know." "I can't meet clients smelling like an old bowl of porridge." "These are valid business expenses." "Jit Sag?" " My shiatsu." "Jeffrey Weinbaum?" " Decorator." "This one comes up again and again." "Don Alphonso de Colombo." "It's... wicker baskets." " Parasite!" "Stop getting at Patsy!" "It's not her fault, you know." "We have to do all this, and he's doing nothing about this huge amount of tax I pay!" "I'm doing everything I can within the law." "What is the point of having an accountant if he's within the law?" "I might as well do it myself." "In fact, I will." "Write him off." "She's gone to choose a smaller car." "I told her to get rid of that driver and the limo." "You didn't tell her I was paying for you to go to university?" "I had to." " Oh, no." "It is all right money-wise?" " Dad, she's not poor!" "She's got more money in little investments than is safe for her to know about." "We just frightened her into slimming everything down a bit." "She's not a great slimmer." "She could eat air and put on weight." "I intend to keep her thinking she's poor for a while." "It may cut the worst of her excesses." "They say all daughters turn into their mothers." " Dad!" "Oh, Jesus Christ!" "= Saff?" "Dad's here." "Don't forget what you agreed." "I am civilised to my platform toes, darling." "Hello, Justin." " Edwina." "Can I get you a little coffee or something from my new machine?" "I'm not sure whether we have coffee left, since Harrods no longer visit me daily." "The only delivery we get nowadays is from the Red Cross." "I could just go through the motions." "It'd be a little bit  like our marriage!" "Isn't it rather lovely for you to see Mummy and Daddy sharing a joke like that, sweetie?" "I'm really glad you're taking this so well." "I just can't believe that you'll send that to further education!" "What kind of father are you?" "All right, darling." "Patsy and I are off shopping." "Pats?" "Just." " Pats." "Did you get a smaller car?" " Miniscule, darling." "Practically a bicycle." " It's this big, this big..." "Here's the list." "Shopping list..." "Shopping list for Mum." "Thank you, darling." "Milk." "Milk?" "Where am I supposed to go for milk?" "Food Halls." "On the left, past Facial." " Might as well get the lot there." "You can't get the food shopping from Harrods." "You can't expect people who live in Knightsbridge to eat out all the time." "Go to the supermarket." "The what, darling?" "Supermarket shopping." "Eggs, cod steaks, apples for Saffy." "That's not the car." " Smallest one I could find." "Barely room for the basket." "No room for you, darling, unless Patsy wants you on her knee." "She doesn't want you." "Safety first." "Bye, sweetie!" "Ow, ow, pull over, pull over." "My hair!" "Hang on..." "That's better." "Go for it, Eddie!" "Road!" "This is a road!" "Watch your language!" "Watch your foul language!" "Stupid cow!" "Come on, Eds, let's go." "Hello?" "Take a trolley, Pats." "Take a trolley." "Here we are, Ed." " No, darling, I can't push any more." "But, sweetie..." " I haven't got the strength." "Come on." "It's all three." "All three here, all right?" " Eddie..." "Eddie, please, please, please." " Oh, darling, champagne..." "Put it underneath." "Just a big shop for me, this." "Working mum." "Where could we park?" "We've been around four times." "I'm just going to put it in here." "Just go here." "That's OK." "They know me here." "I haven't got all day." "Fifth floor, we might start there." "EDIN Darling, my shoes..." "Thank you." "Slow down when I have these shoes." "Eddie, what's this?" "What is this?" "Has that been there all the time?" "How do you get it off?" "What is it?" "Why does it have to be in some underground shame-hole like this?" "Is this the car clamp club?" "I've got this on my car." "It's a clamp, all right?" "I left it there for ten minutes, understand?" "Ten minutes!" "Until I get the car insured-it's a very expensive car" " I have to park it where I can see it." "Come by, come by!" "What?" "What?" "What?" "What?" " Step out of the car, please." "Are you not gonna help?" "Pig!" "What do you want?" "What are you doing to her?" "I was just taking my friend to a hospital." "She's sick." "Eddie, I..." "Help!" "You pig!" "Driving without a licence or insurance, not wearing a seatbelt, having no tax disc displayed, driving over the legal speed limit, driving under the influence of alcohol, allowing another person to drive your vehicle under the influence of alcohol," "in the region of L5.000 of parking fees owing," "L6.000 of damage to property, charges of assault and abuse." "The charges of attempted murder and robbery have been dropped." "Shoplifting." "My name is Patsy Stone, I'm an alcoholic." "What she did was an act of humanitarian mercy." "That is hardly a reason to steal champagne." " Have you any idea what it costs these days?" "I was forced to steal." "My daughter wouldn't let me buy it." "I must ask you to sit down and stop wasting the court's time." "The sum of L50.000 to be paid by you in damages, and a further fine of L2.000." "You will also be liable for all costs incurred." "Getting rid of the driver was a little bit of false economy, wasn't it?" "...a lifetime ban on driving, and finally, Mrs Mon..." "Can I just say one word in my defence?" "I don't think that's a good idea." "Your mouth is working for the prosecution." "This is what I do well, sweetie." "You might get some tips for the Debating Society." "Without notes, Saff." "Thank you, thank you." "I, the proposed accused, think that..." "I mean, the day in question was not a good day for me, all right." "But I don't see how any day could've been the way this bloody country is run." "I was just trying to do my best." "Trying to get from A to B, do a little shopping." "I was trying to take control of my life." "Only to find that actually it is controlled for me by petty bureaucracy and bits of bloody paper and ignorant bloody petty rules and laws that just obstruct every tiny action, until you find you've committed a crime without even knowing it." "I mean, you know!" "Why can't life be made a little easier for everybody?" "Why can't it be more like the Continent?" "Where a man can park his car on the pavement, run down the street in front of charging bulls whilst letting fireworks off out of his nostrils without anyone blinking an eye." "It's probably a local holiday and they all want to have just a little bit of fun, and they are not intimidated by some outdated work ethic!" "There has to be more to life than being safe!" " Is there a point to all this?" "Yes, yes." "Why, oh, why do we pay taxes?" "Just to have bloody parking restrictions and buggery ugly traffic wardens and bollocky pedestrian bloody crossings." "And those bastard railings outside shops so you can't even get in them!" "I know they stop stupid people running into the street and killing themselves, but we are not all stupid and we don't all need nurse-maiding!" "I mean, why not just have a stupidity tax." "Just tax the stupid people!" "Let them die!" " Yes!" "Any more of this ridiculous rant and I'll put you both away!" "Hear, hear!" "Edwina Margaret Rose Monsoon, I hereby sentence you..." "Community Service." " Oh, you've come to do the loft." "Come in." "It's all your bloody fault, this."