"Oh, oh, whoa-ho-ho." "Whoa, whoa." "Six of the finest cows in Italy died for this leather." "I will not let a child's car seat make a mockery of their sacrifice." "Ravi, put her in the front seat." "What are you doing?" "Babies can't ride in the front." "Yeah, get a clue, Grandpa." "I told you, I don't go by "Grandpa."" "Well, you told us what the other options are, and "Uncle Happy" and "The Candyman" sound worse." "RAVI:" "You're Grandpa now, and that's forever." "All right... come on, Edie, let's ditch these buzzkills." "Put her in shotgun." "I refuse to live in a world where laws protect human life over fine Italian leather." "Ready, kid?" "(catchy instrumental rock music playing)" "♪ ♪" "(engine revving)" "Sir, I can't emphasize enough how little I care about the six Italian cows that died for your car's interior." "Could you at least put a note on the ticket that said we looked really cool when you pulled us over?" "Did you bring a car seat with you?" "JIMMY:" "Hey, we're home!" "Oh, only a half hour late." "Did you cut your Pilates short?" "No." "Like Dario would ever let me leave early." "Oh, what the...?" "Ugh." "You know you need to change her diapers sometimes, right?" "She still wears diapers?" " She didn't mention it to me." " (phone ringing)" "Oh." "Oh." "Hey, champ." "Hey, Candyman." "I need your help." "What's up?" "We're parked in." "Move the frickin' car, bro!" "It's not my car." "I'm just walking by." "I didn't say it's your car." "Figure it out." "Dad, I need you to take Edie to the Van Amburg Academy Preschool open house." "Uh, technically, my Edie shift is over." "I was just ready to clock out." "By the way, what kind of preschool has an open house, anyway?" "An awesome one." "Look, Van Amburg Academy has a robotics program, a ballet program, a-a meteorology center." "Oh, no, that place is so elitist." "I think Edie would be better off at Gerald's old preschool." "Is that my mom?" "Mom," "I don't want her going to a preschool in a Russian lady's backyard." "You loved the Russian lady." "She sent you home every day with a cup of soup." "Okroshka!" "All there was to eat was okroshka." "Van Amburg Academy is, like, the number one preschool in L.A." "Yeah, according to some awful book that profits off of yuppie parents who view everything as a competition." "There's a book that says it's number one?" "Where is it?" " It's..." " Hmm." "Well, you know, as a guy who owns the number one restaurant in L.A., certainly I want my granddaughter going to the number one preschool in L.A." "I thought you were number 24." "Oh, you can't trust those lists." "All right, Gerald," " I'll take Edie." " You will?" "Ah, thank you!" "Um, um, we'll try to meet you there." "I think Vanessa's handling the car problem." "A little help?" "(quiet grunt)" "Suck it in, pork chop, suck it in." "You got to lay off those breakfast burritos." "(grunting)" "(laughs) Here, allow me." "(click)" "Ah." "Oh, thank you, attractive stranger." "Congratulations... you win a baby!" "Oh, I hope was hoping to win of those today." "No, I'm just kidding." "You know, for a second there," "I thought you were the same guy I saw earlier driving with a little kid in the front seat." "I would never do that." "That's, like, a... $265 ticket." "No, I know, I know." "I tried to stop him, but he was blasting Taylor Swift and couldn't hear me." "Oh, I'm sure he was probably just blasting it for the child's sake." "Oh, no, no." "She was crying." "He was..." "loving' it." "Oh. (chuckles) Not everyone can be a law-abiding father like you are." "Oh." "I'm not her father." "Actually, I'm her... father." "Isn't that what I just said?" "No." "No, you didn't say that." "Hi." "I'm Jimmy." " Hi." " This is Edie." " Aw." " Say hi." "Hi, Edie." "I'm Sloan." "Are you guys visiting the school?" " Uh-huh." " I work in the admissions office." " Oh." "Yeah." " Come on." "Here." "Follow me." "'Kay." " E-Edie." " Edie!" "My daughter." "Hey, come to Daddy." "Mm, our campus is wonderful." "But what really sets us apart is our founder," "Dr. Charles Van Amburg, and his revolutionary" " Pathways of the Mind curriculum." " Hm." " That's what makes us the best." " Ah, well, as someone who only wants the best, I like what I'm hearing." "Congratulations." "We're in." "Oh." "Uh... (chuckles)" "I'm sorry, that's not really how it works, so..." "We get over a thousand applicants every year for 20 spots." "I didn't even know there were a thousand two-year-olds." "Yuck." "Yeah." "I don't mean to sound discouraging, but your chances of getting in are very slim." "Eh." " But enjoy the campus." " (chuckles)" "Come on, Edie, let's check out a school you'll never get into, and then after, I'll take you to a store and burn a doll in front of you." " I could fit." " I'll meet you inside." "All right, go." "Go, go." "(low, indistinct chatter)" "Hi." "Hi." "Uh, I'm Gerald Kingsley, Edie's dad." "Sorry I'm late." "Edie's dad?" "I thought Jimmy was Edi..." "Oh." "Duh." "(both laugh)" "Uh, come on, follow me." " I'll show you where she is." " Okay." "Oh." "Edie, look what I made." "Ooh." "Ooh." "Oh, yours is good, too." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Let me see what you made." "Oh, that's nice!" "You know, you can't be the cutest girl in the world and the smartest... you got to spread it around a little bit." "You don't want haters, right?" "(shouts indistinctly) (sputters)" "Edie?" "Your other dad is here." "GERALD:" "Oh, my goodness!" "(laughs) Oh-ho!" "What?" ""Other dad"?" "(singsongy):" "Hey..." "Ah." "You guys are such an adorable couple." "I'll be right back." "Bye, now!" "What's going on?" "Don't know." "Also don't care." "Should we go?" "Uh, let me just..." "let me just guess." "Yeah." "You couldn't admit that you're a grandpa, so you told her that you're Edie's dad, and so that when I told her I was also Edie's dad, instead of assuming you were lying... 'cause that would be a crazy lie... she thinks that we're Edie's two gay dads?" "(scoffs) Yes." "How did you mess this up so quickly, so badly and so creepily?" "News flash: it's 2015... being gay is not creepy, it's cool." "Being... gay with your dad is creepy." "Hi, kids." "Well, look, if it makes you feel any better," "Sloan said that Edie has no chance" " of getting in here." " What?" "Hi..." "Sloan." "Listen," "I should've been honest with you..." "Ah-ah, don't be silly." "Van Amburg Academy is very progressive." "And we value diversity." "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but we are always looking for families like yours." "We think you guys are fabulous!" "(laughs)" "Oh, we-we love the word "fabulous."" " Don't we?" " Y-Yeah." "Fabulous." "Oh!" "I'm gonna go ahead and I'm gonna set up an in-home interview, and I will have Dr. Van Amburg do it himself." "He's gonna love you guys!" "(exhales)" "This campus rules!" "I changed my mind..." "I want to be buried here instead of at Staples Center." "Jimmy, what did you do?" "You're not really doing this, are you?" "Trying to benefit from the gay struggle without the struggle?" " Or the gay?" " Ah, I didn't want any of this." "I was living my life, quietly dating Anna Kournikova's cousin, and all of a sudden, my son shows up, and we're supposed to be lovers." "GERALD:" "Man, this is crazy." "Let's just cancel the interview." " Yeah?" " What?" "!" "No way, dummies." "We are not canceling!" "A good preschool is the difference between Edie becoming president, or becoming a spring break shot girl in Lake Havasu." "And I've seen Edie dance." "She's got some Havasu in her." "It's terrifying." "Uh, we'd have to do the home interview with the headmaster." "He's never gonna believe we're a couple." "I have no idea what it's like to be in a homosexual relationship." "It's like being in any other relationship." "I have no idea what that's like, either." "GERALD:" "And even if Edie gets in, what, are we supposed to keep up this lie forever?" "You can get through one interview." "After she's accepted, just say you dumped Jimmy." " Or Jimmy dumped him." " Yeah, it makes more sense." " Right." "I mean..." " VANESSA:" "Whatever." "It's really not that crazy." "Yes, it is." "Lying like this is crazy." "Everyone lies on applications." "You know, maybe you two are just homophobic." "Uh..." "What?" "!" "Vanessa, that makes me angry to hear you say that." "Annelise, tell her how happy I was when-when same sex marriage got legalized." "Tell her, tell her." "Oh, it's true, like many straight people these days, you made a very big show of how excited you were." "Full-on tears of joy." "Okay, then." "Great." "Let's do what's best for Edie, and let's have the interview." "(Gerald sighs heavily)" "I always said I'd do anything for Edie." "But from now on, maybe I'll stop saying that." "Look at all these fun projects from your old preschool." "Yeah." "Here." "Oh, this is a snowman or a house." "Oh!" "Edie would love it there." "And bonus: you don't have to pretend you sleep with your dad." "Mom, you know, you always say how great my preschool was, but I do live in your guest house." "You know, if I'd gone to Van Amburg Academy, who knows?" "Maybe I'd be living in Elon Musk's guest house." "Oh, poor Gerald." "You had it so rough." "I'm not saying you made a mistake sending me there." "I'm not saying that, either." "Is that what you're saying?" " What are you saying?" " Well, I'm saying..." "I got to go." "We're setting up for the interview at Dad's place." "My boyfriend's place, my..." "You two deserve each other." "(door closes)" "Do you think I was a bad mom?" "Ball." "No." "That was a "no." I heard that." "(gasps) Ah." "Oh." "Okay, for the interview tomorrow, we need to make your condo look more convincing." "Gerald, gay people can live in all kinds of places." "I saw this thing where a gay guy was living on a boat." "I'm actually more worried about them believing that a family lives here." "Which is why" "I had Annelise make up some fake old photos of us." "Here." "Wow." "Annelise, you're an artist!" "This looks so real." "Check it out." "We're at the Capitol Building." "We're dog-sledding in Alaska." "We're celebrating the launch of the Hubble Telescope." "We work at NASA?" "Oh, that's what's ridiculous about this situation?" "All right, so, we have pictures of us." "We are... done." "One more thing." "We need to make it look like a baby actually lives here." "♪ Don't take no rhythm ♪" "♪ Don't take no style ♪" "♪ Got a thirst for killin' ♪" "♪ Grab your vial and ♪" "♪ Whoo!" "♪" "♪ Stroke me, stroke me ♪" "♪ Say you're a winner, but, man, you're just a sinner now. ♪" "How about, uh... (clears throat) gay club?" "That's where you want to say we went on our first date?" " Mm-hmm." " A gay club?" "Yeah." "What's wrong with a gay club?" "What's wrong with having a place to feel safe and have fun?" "It's just a little on the nose, don't you think?" "I mean, I mean, you know, we could go anywhere you normally go." "If I were a girl, where would you take me on a first date?" "If you were a girl, I wouldn't take you on a date, because we're gay, see?" "Yeah, I got to get to work." "Oh, yeah, of course, right?" "We can't have one nice night together." "It's just work, work, work, work with you." "Maybe if someone had a little discipline with the credit cards." "(laughter) This is weird." "Weird, right?" "Oh, there he goes." " Kids leaving stuff everywhere." " It's okay." "Edie hated that." "I can't wait for this interview to be over so I can get" " my apartment back to normal." " You know," "I mean, it might make sense for you to leave this stuff up." "Edie's gonna be over here a lot, and got a family now." "You should have a family house." "Face it, Grandpa, you're gonna be a grandpa forever." "Ladies." "Did anyone check their IDs before they served them alcohol?" "They look a little underage." "(laughter)" "Hey." "Mm." "There's a, uh, woman over there asking about you." "But don't worry." "I already told her you're in a monogamous relationship with your son." "(laughter) All right, all right, all right, hey, hey, hey." "(laughter) Perfect." "Hi." "Sloan." "Uh, what are you doing here?" "Well, I was just having dinner down the road, and" "I remembered that you said you had a restaurant around here." "Stopped by to make sure you weren't lying. (laughs)" " (laughing) - (sighs)" "(laughing) How about a drink?" "You want a...?" "I'm gonna have a drink." " You want a drink?" " Sure." "Thanks." "Seriously, why are all the hottest guys gay?" "!" "We're not all gay." "No." "Yes, you are, and you know it." "Gerald's not so bad, either." "Yeah, no, he's-he's definitely the second hottest guy in our relationship." "Okay, I don't know about that." "He is the younger one, you dog, you." "You might be old enough to be his father." "Yeah, but I'm-I'm not his father, though." "Yeah, I know." "(laughter)" "Okay, so tell me how you guys met." "Oh, you'll never guess." "Playing sports." " And then came Edie." " Mm." "And life has never been the same, I bet." "Nope, nope, my old life was gone." "Just poof." "But you're the happiest you've ever been." "My bachelor pad is baby-proofed." "There's crumbs and stickers everywhere." "Basically clocked in all the time now." "I mean, every day is family day." "It's just... oh." "It is so refreshing to see how committed you are." "I mean, seriously, most guys I know would be just terrified to get rid of their old life." "You know, they're just desperately holding on to their so-called manhood in some way." "It's just..." "I'm a terrible boyfriend." "All right, Edie, I really hope you don't understand what's happening, but it's all for you." "You okay?" "You look a little nervous." "Ha." "No." "The only thing I'm nervous about is what..." "Ivy League college Edie's gonna get into." "I see her as a, uh... as a Cromwell girl." "Yeah." "No, I see her going to more of a real university that you didn't just make up." " (buzzer sounding)" " Okay, they're here." "Vanessa, you want" " to get the door?" " Okay, guys, guys, don't you dare screw this up, okay?" "Be cool." "We got this." "(whispering):" "The baby." "Get the baby." " Hello!" " Hello." "I'm Barbara." "I have a black belt in karate and..." "Uh, Barbara's our babysitter." "Uh, that'll be all for now, Barbara." "Yes, thank you, Barbara." "I'm Charles Van Amburg." "You must be Jimmy and Gerald." "Yes." "Which would make you..." " Edie." " VANESSA:" "Yes!" "Which would make me Barbara." "And that's Annelise, our-our... wacky neighbor, who comes over uninvited and eats all our food." "I'm their Kramer." "Uh, come on in." "Um, I'm sorry the place is such a mess." "Someone over here is a real slob." "(chuckles)" "Uh, let me give you the tour, yes?" "Thank you." "SLOAN:" "Oh, ooh, ooh, ooh." "Hi." "Sorry." "I'm late." "Sloan." "I didn't know you were coming." "Well, here I am." "You know, you ran out of the restaurant so fast, we didn't get a chance to talk about what happened." "Oh, you mean that silly little kiss?" "That was nothing." "I kiss everyone." "I'm ridiculous." "Are you two even gay?" "That was not the kiss of a gay man." "Uh, Ger?" "Ger." " (quietly):" "Kiss me." " What?" " Kiss me." "Kiss me." " No." "No." "What?" "What's going on?" "Dr. Van Amburg, would you like to see a picture of Ger and I when we were... working at NASA?" "(children laughing)" "SARA:" "And now my son wants Edie to go to this pretentious private school, and I just remember how this was such a special place for Gerald." "(gasps)" "♪ ♪" "(bubbling)" "(clucking)" "(creaking)" "(sizzling)" "Tsiliana, you've..." "made quite a few changes." "No." "School exactly the same." "Same toys, same playground, same stove." "Nyet." "We even have same magic box." "Oh, my God, that's an abandoned refrigerator." "Not according to child imagination." "It can be jail, time machine, other kind of jail." "No." "No, that definitely was not here before." "There's no way I would have left Gerald in a playground with an abandoned refrigerator." "You were single mother, da?" "Yes." "What does that have to do with anything?" "Single mothers tough." "They do the best they can." "They don't worry about abandoned fridge in playground." "But now you older, you have more money, more time." "Now you worry." " Now you soft." " (grunts)" " (grunts) - (creaking)" "(gasps)" "Oh, my God." "I want Edie to go to Van Amburg Academy." "Ooh, Van Amburg Academy." "That's where my kids go." "So, Dr. Van Amburg, as Edie's babysitter, Barbara," "I would love to hear more about the school's curriculum." "Do you have karate?" "We tailor each child's curriculum to meet their individual cognitive and emotional needs." "But what really makes our school special are the families, which is why we're so thorough in our selection process." "So, how long have you two been together?" "BOTH:" "Four years." "What's your anniversary?" "BOTH:" "September 29." "Where was your first date?" "BOTH:" "The train museum at Griffith Park." "Sloan," " why all the questions?" " I'm sorry." "I just, uh... (chuckles) I think it's important that we know as much as we can about our families." "Well, as you can see, we're very open." "Yes." "Clearly." "Hi!" "(door shuts)" "I'm Sara." "I'm Gerald's mom and Edie's grandmother." " Hello, Sara." " Hi." "We can't tell you how excited we are about Edie attending Van Amburg Academy." "It's always been a dream of mine." "SLOAN:" "Well, it is lovely to meet another member of the family." "Where was Gerald and Jimmy's first date?" "(chugging, toot sounds) (quietly):" "Gr-Griffith Park." "It was so nice to meet you." "I..." "What?" "Yes!" "(chuckles) I... (chuckles) have to go there." "(chuckles) She's a little... mmm." "We take care of her." "That's sweet." "Well, it's been a pleasure chatting with you all." "You seem like a lovely family." "I can see how you would be wonderful additions to our school community." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Jimmy kissed me!" "What?" " What?" "What?" "(quietly):" "This is the best." "You kissed her?" "It was just a kiss." "Y-You know how us gay guys are." "We're either playing sports or kissing girls." " How could you do that, Dad?" " SLOAN: "Dad"?" "Are you two father and son?" " No." " No." "That would be weird." "Right?" "(chuckles) Yeah." "I don't know what's going on here, but it doesn't seem good." "I think this interview is over." "Wait." "Wait." "Would the..." "Should..." "Look at... us." "I mean, we're... mmm." "See?" "What is wrong with you?" "Pretending to be a couple so that your daughter gets preferential treatment is..." "Exactly the kind of moxie Van Amburg Academy is looking for?" "Vile and offensive." "I knew it was either "moxie" or "vile and offensive."" "You two royally screwed that up, right?" "Right?" "I'm sorry, guys." "I guess I really screwed up." "Looks like I'll be sleeping on the stained couch tonight." "It's okay." "You know, we tried something really stupid, and it didn't work out, but... now we have a story we can tell for the rest of our lives." " Yeah, I'll say." " It's better than making up fake stories like these." "And, Mom, look, if the Russian lady's preschool was good enough" " for me, I'm sure..." " Not an option." "She died." "Oh." "Well, then we bow our heads and say... (speaking Russian)" "So, what's the next preschool we should try?" "Oh, well, see... (clears throat) now, that depends on what kind." "I marked up this whole book." "We have, uh, play-based, Montessori, of course, Jewish Temple..." "What?" "What are you guys looking at?" "My glasses?" "Oh." "I lost my good ones." "You must really care about this." "You're reading a book." "Oh, you can leave that one." "Really?" "Like, for other people to see?" "Yeah." "You know, an ex-boyfriend once told me that I should get used to being a grandpa." "The truth is, I'm actually starting to... adapt to this whole situation." "That's sweet." "You called your family a situation." "Did you hear that, Edie?" "We've been upgraded." "We used to be an accident."