"Kojak, originally scheduled at this time... will not be seen tonight in order to bring you the following... paid political program entitled..." "Meet Milt Hubatka." "Milt Hubatka has a plan." "Vote for him to be a fan." "Milt Hubatka-you know he can." "Vote him into office, he's our man." "His opponent must've paid for that." "Good evening, Chicago." "This is Milt Hubatka... candidate for the state senate." "I'm here on television tonight to be examined... under the brutal microscope of public scrutiny." "Sorry, Milt." "And so we urge you to vote yes on Referendum "B"... and provide free parking for the National Guard." "This announcement paid for by Citizens For Cement." "Oh, hi, Bob." "You remember Rita Montez." " She teaches the fifth grade." " Hi." "Oh." "Hi." "Guess I should slip into something a little less comfortable." "Don't bother." "I like spindly legs." "Thank you." "I" "I wasn't, wasn't expecting you this early." "Well, there was no point in staying at a school board meeting... without the school board chairman." " Oh, Dr. Dalton didn't show up again, huh?" " That's the fourth time in a row." "Where I come from, when a public ofiicial misses that many meetings... he disappears in the middle of the night, and no one ever sees him again." "Well, here in Chicago, we have a slightly different system." "Don't give me that." "I've seen The Untouchables." "We've been trying to raise money for a science lab in our school district for six months..." " and Dalton never shows up." " He ought to have his thumbs pulled off." "Bob, I want you to look at this." "This is Stevie Boardman's science project." "He did the whole thing at home." ""Your Friend the Nose."" "I mean, with a science lab, he could've made that nose talk." "Look at this." "Nostrils." "Bones." "Nifty little nasal passages." "I had a project like that when I was in third grade." " You made a nose?" " No, no." "A hinge." "You know, the thing that sticks the door to the wall." "It may sound simple, but it wasn't that easy in those days." "I mean, we didn't have a lot of- power tools they have now and" "Oh, honey." "This is serious." "Sure." "Everybody takes the hinge for granted." "But we've gotta do something about Dr. Dalton." "Rip his toes off." "You- Well," "He's an elected official." "I mean, work for his opponent." " Vote him out of office." " He's running unopposed" " Unless you wanna run against him." " Me?" " Who, Bob?" " Yeah." "Why not?" "Come on!" "I mean... what does Bob know about running for office." "What's wrong with Bob?" "He'd be a perfect candidate." "He's a psychologist." "He's intelligent." "All we have to do is cover his spindly legs." "Why don't you run?" "Oh, I couldn't." "I'm really much too busy." " You're not doing anything now." " Well, that's- that's only because, Kojak was preempted." "Think about it." "Emily, could I leave Stevie's nose here till Wednesday morning?" " Oh, sure." "Fine." " What's Wednesday morning?" "The next board meeting." "That's when we get another shot at Dr. Dalton." "Did you see the way her eyes lit up when she said "shot"?" "She didn't mean it." "She just wants to pull his thumbs off." "I don't know, Dr. Harley." "I just can't seem to make decisions." "Like the other day, I was at the AP buying cottage cheese." "I couldn't decide between the large and the small curd." "What did you finally buy?" "I bought a new car." "That's an interesting compromise." "What color is it?" "I couldn't decide." "I'll have it painted when it gets here." "Well, I'm afraid our time is up." "Yeah, well, I'll either see you next week... or I won't." "In the meantime, why don't you try to recall... some of the good decisions you've made." "The last one I ever made was 15 years ago." "I bought Xerox at three dollars a share." "Well, that was a good decision." "Yeah, but I sold it at three and a quarter." " Bob." " Oh, hi, Emily." "Hi, Rita." " Hi, Mrs. Harley." " Oh, hello, Mr. Carlin." " This is my friend, Rita Montez." " Hi." "Bob, do you know what day today is?" "Yeah." "Today is, Wednesday." "Boy, I wish I could decide that fast." "But what is it besides Wednesday?" "Thursday?" "Today was the day of the school board meeting, and Dr. Dalton didn't show up." "Your name's on this petition to run against him in the election." "Emily, you should check with me before you put my name on a petition." " She didn't do it." "I did it." " Oh.Well" "That's a very nice compliment, but" "I really don't know." "Why?" "it's a simple decision." "Either run, or you don't run." "It's not like you have to decide between large and small curd." "Listen, this could be the start of a whole new career." "Right?" "Well, I kind of like my old career." "Well, honey, you can have both." "Yeah." "This is our chance to grind Dalton into dust." "Rita, I'd like to talk to you sometime about your choice of words." "I'm signing this petition right now." " Petition?" "What, petition?" " Oh, Bob's." "He's running for public office." " Hey, terrific." "Let me have it." "I'll sign it." " Ah." "Jerry, you don't even know what office I'm running for." "It doesn't matter what it's for, Bob." "Whatever it is, you're right for it." " It's the, for the school board." " Well, you're wrong for that." "But it doesn't matter, Bob." "You'd be the perfect candidate for anything." "I mean, you've always kept a low profile." "Make a note, Carol." "We'll get him some lifts." "I mean it, Bob." "You're perfect." "You're low-keyed yet forceful." "Unobtrusive yet dynamic." "Short yet tall." "You hear that, Bob." "That is the voice of the people." "Right, Bob." "And I'll help you with your campaign." "We'll capitalize on all your strong points." "Your youthful exuberance coupled with your fatherly wisdom." "Right." "Young yet old." "This nose is really amazing Bob." "I remember when we were in the eighth grade." "A bunch of us kids got together... and built a heat-seeking missile and" "Everyone thought it was great except my mom." "It attacked her stove." "After that, I didn't like, aeronautics anymore." "I got into flying instead." "Howard, aren't they similar?" "Flying has stewardesses." " What's that?" " Oh, it's my old high school yearbook." "Ah." "I was just" "I was reminiscing about, when I was president of the junior class." "You know?" "There was a lot of satisfaction there." "You know, we- we accomplished quite a bit." "It was during my administration... that we painted all the up stairwells green... and all the down stairwells red." "I really admire your running for public office, Bob." "Why don't you run on the same platform you ran on in high school?" "My platform in high school was trying to get Benny Goodman for homecoming." " Did you get him?" " Yeah, but, he couldn't get up to the gym- the stairwells were still wet." "Bob, are you now or have you ever been... a member of a subversive organization?" "Well, my fraternity was kind of wild." "Have you ever knowingly committed a crime?" "Wow." "You live with someone a long time... and you really never know them." "No, no, Howard." "I'm just trying to anticipate... any embarrassing questions Bob might be asked." "You know, at a coffee klatch or something." "Yeah I just, I hope they don't ask about your friends." "I've got a lot of skeletons in my closet, and, some of them were pretty stacked." "You know, Bob, for your own good, I think you should just pretend you don't know me." "That, could be the F.B.l." "Hey, Howard, maybe you'd better hide in the closet." " Oh, hello, Mr. Pottinger." " Hi, Emily." " I'm sorry to barge in." " Oh, no, no." "Come right in." "Honey, this is Rex Pottinger." "I'm the vice-principal of Emily's school." "Did he say "vice"?" "This is my husband, Bob, and this is" "Nobody, nobody." "I" "I don't know why I'm here or... who I am." "I'm just a face in the crowd." "I was in the neighborhood, and I wanted to tell you about the debate." "What debate?" "Oh." "At the teachers' meeting tomorrow night." "Dr. Dalton will be there, and he has agreed to debate the issues." "Oh, that's wonderful, Bob." "Now you can show Dr. Dalton up for what he really is." "That is, if you're willing to participate." "Well, let's see." "Tomorrow night is," "Little House on the Prairie." "I guess I could miss that." "Darn!" "I forgot that was on." "Well, we all have to make sacrifices." "Yes, that's what vice-principaling is all about." "Making sacrifices, thinking of ideas... policing the lavatories." "It's an awesome responsibility." "Well, it's no small chore." "I'm just a heartbeat away from the principal's office." "Well" "Oh, we'll start at 7:30." "Oh, and try to be there on time." "Because if you're late, it'll be my rear end." "Well, I guess my hat is really in the ring now." "This is really getting exciting, Bob." "You know what your going to say tomorrow night?" "No, but I'll just say whatever comes into my head." "I was born... two score and five years ago" "In a little log cabin, Bob?" "No, Emily." " A little log apartment building." " Mm." "Many of you may be wondering why a psychologist is running for the school board." "No, forget that, Carol." "I don't want them to wonder." "My name is Dr. Robert Harley." "It's dull, Bob." "Well, I'm not gonna change my name." "Oh, no, no, Bob." "It's a dull beginning." "But you are the boss." "I am a mere secretary." "Not that, secretaries don't sometimes... have better ideas than your regular people." "But-Oh, please, go ahead." "I'm waiting." "As you know, the need for an effective school board... is a need... that has long been... needed." "What's your idea, Carol?" "I'd go for the joke, Bob." "You know, catch them by surprise." "They'd never expect a joke from you." " What kind of joke?" " A shrink joke." "You know, let them know you can laugh at yourself." " I don't think so." " Mm-mmm?" "Besides, the only, "shrink joke" that I know... is" "The one about the" "Guy walks into this psychologist's office, you know, and- he has this banana in his ear." "Use it, Bob." "Use it!" "At least it'll make you seem more human." "You know, not like you're running for something." "Oh, I'll get that." "Think smartly, vote Harley." "Oh, yes, Mr. Carlin." "Uh-huh." "Your appointment is Wednesday at 11:00." "Right." "Yes, he did decide to run." "Be sure and tell all your friends." "Well, you know, if you make any in the next couple of weeks... tell them." "Bob," "Next Thursday night- what's on the agenda?" "Emily and I are having dinner with my mother." "Oh, forget that, Bob." "You've already got your mother's vote." "I've got you scheduled for a Bavarian beer fest... and a bratwurst tug-of-war." " Are you serious, Jerry?" " Of course I'm serious, Bob." "It'll show them you're a man of the people." "Boost the image." " Give you a little charisma." " Jerry, I don't want any charisma." "I don't want my phone being answered by slogans." "I mean, you're trying to make me into a totally different person." "Can't hurt." "The only reason I'm running for the school board is I think I can do some good there." "I am not running for the United States Senate." "That's way in the future." " If at all." " Well" "Jer, of course." "He's right." "I mean, one thing at a time." "Sure." "If he doesn't wanna have a personality, that's his business." "The only thing I want is to get through the debate tonight without making a fool of myself." "Fine." "I'll go start typing up the banana joke." "Okay, Bob, we'll forget all about tugging the bratwurst and all that crazy stuff." "How would you feel about wrestling a greased pig?" "It depends." "Is he undefeated?" "Well, it's getting late." " I'm afraid Dr. Dalton isn't gonna make it." " Wow, what a surprise." "Maybe we should start without him." "Well, I think we could give him a couple more minutes." " Nervous, Bob?" " Well, you know, I want to be a little nervous." "You know, like a boxer, on my toes." "Oh." "Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee." "All right, everybody." "Take your seats, please." "Just fill in anywhere." "That's fine." "As you all know, I'm Rex Pottinger... vice-principal of Tracy Grammar School." "Thank you." "We're all here tonight for the debate... between Dr. Collie Dalton and Dr. Robert Harley." "So, without further delay we'll begin with the 30-second opening statements." "Proceeding alphabetically, we'll begin with Dr. Dalton." "Well, Dr. Harley, you have 30 seconds to respond." "Thank" "Thank" "Testing." "Testing." "I guess, that's an appropriate phrase to say in a classroom." "My opponent has made a habit of missing school board meetings." "As you can see, he's not even here tonight." "Because of this, I think the students in our school are" " Thank you, Dr. Harley" " Attaboy." "That's telling him." " Was that really 30 seconds?" " According to Mickey." "And now it's time for questions from the floor." "I have a question for Dr. Harley." " What is it, Mr. Carlin?" " I wanna play the devil's advocate for a minute." "Go ahead." "What the devil are you doing?" "What's a guy with no kids running for the school board for?" "I mean, what'd you do, invest in a blackboard company?" "No," "No, I didn't." "As a matter of fact, my, my slate is clean." " Any other questions?" "Mrs. Harley." " Yes." "Dr. Harley, are you aware that Dr. Dalton..." " has missed five consecutive meetings?" " Yes." " And, do you consider that appropriate?" " No." "And if you were elected..." " would you attend all of the meetings?" " Yes." "I rest your case." "All right." "Way to tell them." "Great!" "Is that your style, Dr. Harley, attacking a guy who's not even here to defend himself?" "Well, I wasn't attacking anybody." "Maybe I should sit in for Dr. Dalton for a while." "You can't sit in for anybody." "You're the moderator." "Well, I'm sure there are some good things to be said for Dr. Dalton." "Not by you!" "You can't stick up for a guy who's afraid to come to his own debate." "Miss Montez, I'm not sticking up for anybody." "Yes, you are." "You're Dalton's puppet." "Puppet?" "You're a revolutionary!" "Now, wait a minute." "She is not a revolutionary." "She's just trying to do something for the school system." "Bob, what are you doing?" "Well, I'm trying to get some order." "You'd gavel your own wife?" "I wasn't gaveling you." "I was gaveling everybody." "Attaboy, Bob." "You'll gavel your way right to victory." "Well, look, It's kind of" "It's kind of silly to stand here and debate a ghost." "I just wanna say that if I'm elected..." "I'll go to the meetings and do my best." "And it's a beginning and" "Well, I guess that's the gist of what I'm trying to say." "So, thank you very much." "Oh." "Bob, you were just wonderful." "Congratulations, Mr. Board Member." "Dr. Dalton!" "Pottinger, I'm sorry." " Excuse me." " Sure." "I want to apologize to everyone here for being late... but my plane was delayed leaving Washington." "While I was there, I was able to manage certain arrangements." "Our school system has just received a special grant of $750,000." "To be used any way we see fit... which should buy a new school bus or two... a new science lab and maybe even have enough left over for some chalk and erasers." "But... that's no excuse for being late." "That's all right." "You don't, You don't wanna" "You don't wanna get too close to that." "Thank you." "Well, I certainly would like to stay longer... but, well, the mayor's waiting up special just to sign this darned thing." "And you can't keep the mayor waiting, so on with the debate." "And... thank God we still have the right to debate." "Well, Dr. Harley, I guess this means you're entitled to time for a rebuttal." "Uh" "This guy walks into a- a psychologist's office and, and he has a banana in his ear and," "The psychologist says..." "" How come you have the, banana in your ear?"" "And the guy says," ""Well, they were all out of grapes."" "Uh" "And in the state senate race..." "Milt Hubatka is suffering an overwhelming defeat... which was expected after his indictment last week for extortion." "Well, why don't I," "Why don't I turn this off, unless you want to watch it?" "My race was over about three hours ago." "Oh, honey, Why'd you do that?" "I mean, the race isn't over till the last vote is counted." "Emily's right." "95% is no indication." "Well, I'll be calling it a night here." "I'll see you tomorrow, Bob, at work." "Remember, you still have a job." "Oh, listen." "You remember those leftover bumper stickers that you ordered?" "What would you like me to do with those?" "Right." "Right." "You know, Bob, I hate to say this, but" "In a way, I'm kind of glad you got creamed, you know?" "I mean, now we can go back to being friends again." "Of course, on the other hand, who wants to be friends with a loser?" "Well, we could always have lunch in a deserted warehouse, Howard." "I was only kidding, Bob." "I mean, we've weathered worse things than this." "Of course, I can't think of any of them right now." "But you know if you ever need me, I mean," "I'll be there." "I'll call you in a couple of months." "Well, I'm glad that's over." "Bob-You know, you shouldn't let this get you down." "Emily, it's not getting me down." "I mean, it's nothing to be ashamed of." "Emily, I feel fine." "As a matter of fact, I feel terrific." "No, you don't, Bob." " Yes." "Yes, I do." " Bob, you lost an election!" " Well, it was an experience." " Well, you must feel awful." " No, I don't." " Bob, you can't kid me." "Okay, I feel awful." "See?" "There, now don't you feel better now that you just let it all out?" " Much better." " Yeah." "In fact, I feel so good, I'm gonna call Dr. Dalton and congratulate him." "Well-You mean, you're gonna concede already?" "Emily, a 3,000-vote lead in a 4,000-vote district... doesn't exactly call for a recount." "All right, Bob." "If you wanna quit." "Emily, he's a good man, and he does get things done." "I mean, it's a gentlemanly thing to do." "I mean, if it were me, he'd do the same thing" "Hello?" "This is Dr. Robert Harley." "I'd like to congratulate Dr. Dalton on his victory." "Well, would you tell him I called... when he gets back from the movies?" "Just tell your dad that I ran against him in the election." "H" " H-A-R-T" "Well, how many votes did you end up with, Dr. Harley?" " Approximately 154." " Yeah?" "Well, one of them was mine." "Well, thank you very much, Mr. Carlin." "I appreciate your voting for me." "Well, I made two decisions." "One for you, and one for gray." "What office did Gray run for?" "That's my new car." "It came yesterday." "I'm having it painted gray." "I think the important thing is you're making decisions." "And I'm very proud of you." "Yeah?" "I guess you're right." "I am making progress."