"The British people need someone to look up to." "They think you're ridiculous." "If I'm so ridiculous, how come I've got these medals?" "Give the people of Britain a referendum... on the abolition of the monarchy." "They all want you to be the next king." "Skip a generation!" "Let's put the wealth back into the Commonwealth, and the gland back into Eng-gland." "Those two haven't seen the last of us." "I can't believe the general public don't want me to be king." "What do you expect?" "To them you're just a dithery bloke with big ears." "Mick Jagger and Rod Stewart think I'm great." "Only because you gave them knighthoods." "That's totally irrelevant." "They're anti-Establishment rebels who don't give a fig for convention." "Well, what do you think it's like for me?" "I was going to rule this land with an icy fist and plunge it into an eternal winter." "I've got my Christmas list to finish." "Out of the way, plebs!" "♪ Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer... ♪" "Now, you did remember - joke presents for the adults, proper presents for the kids?" "Oh, yes." "That's why I got Camilla this hat." "Oh, she'll love it." "And what have you got baby Charlotte?" "A 16-bedroom mansion in Berkshire." "Perfect." "Look, Wills - it's your people." "Hi, guys." "Merry Christmas." "You're so normal, despite being inherently better than us!" "Of course." "We're just like you." "Now, do you have a present for us?" "This is Westminster Abbey." "I made it entirely out of matchsticks." "Oh, it's wonderful." "Ooh!" "Sorry." "That's all right, Your Royal Highness." "I'll make you another." "No, I like this one." "Here we are" " Sandringham." "Never quite as Christmassy as I remember it." "Who is there, and state your business?" "It's us, Auntie Anne - Wills and Kate." "We've come for Christmas!" "Have you?" "Auntie Anne?" "♪ It's the most wonderful time of the year... ♪" "So good to be here." "I can't remember the last time we had a break." "I think it was six days ago in Mustique." "We've got everything we need to make this the best Christmas ever." "Except one thing, Eugenie" " Daddy." "Leave it out, Bea." "We've got no way of getting hold of him." "I sent him a letter." "Addressed to where?" "All the countries on Amnesty's abuse of human rights letters." "That's brilliant." "Mummy!" "Hello, girls." "Oh, girls, wasn't it nice of Charles to invite me this year?" "He's probably seen the quiet dignity you use to flog your juicers on the shopping channel." "Yes, and finally realised I'm not trading on my royal connections with my Duchess of York Right Royal Juicer." ""Make every breakfast fit for a queen."" "Oh, Mummy, if you hadn't married into the royal family, you'd probably be a top-flight businesswoman with your own international cooperation by now." "No, girls, YOU'LL be the ones to smash through the glass ceiling, for all women." "Oh, no!" "I forgot my hair straighteners!" "Anne!" "Got the tree up?" "Shall I put a few more baubles on?" "It's already fully decorated." "The Queen isn't here this year, Catherine, so..." "Anne, as I said before, please, call me Kate - it's friendlier." "Yes, I recall the conversation well, Catherine." "Now, the Queen isn't here this year so Camilla..." "Yes, I know about the Queen, which is why I thought I might run things this year." "What's all this?" "Yes, that's right." "You deserve a rest at your age." "Forgive me, Kate." "Do you really think your gypsy heritage equips you for a task of this size?" "Christmas lunch at Sandringham isn't the same as frying up a squirrel on a caravan stove." "I'll manage." "Don't forget, my family's business is party planning." "No, I'll never forget that." "Well, that's settled, then." "You know, you SHOULD be in charge." "And, as such, you should have the choicest room - the Queen Mother's suite." "But that room is..." "Anne, she wants to be mistress this year so she should have the mistress's room." "Well, maybe that does make sense, because I'm going to make this Christmas the jolliest one Sandringham has ever seen." "And with Anne to help you, I'm almost certain you'll succeed." "What are you doing here?" "You said I could come." "Not to the house!" "Do you really think I'd have YOU in the house?" "You?" "In the house?" "But I brought you a juicer." "If I'd wanted a juicer, don't you think I'd have bought it myself?" "Have you no idea how much money I've got?" "Where are the girls and I going to stay?" "In the stables." "This is a bit odd." "Oh, my God, Harry, this isn't a celebrity charity auction at all!" "This is a soup kitchen." "No, I don't know." "Isn't that Bob Geldof?" "Your Highness, thanks so much for coming down." "It'll mean so much to the guys." "Let's get you a ladle." "They actually think we're going to serve soup!" "It's..." "Yeah, no, sorry, we've got to go, because... ..we've got to go." "Oh." "Well, we could stay for an hour." "So, who are you?" "I'm Ellie." "Ellie Goulding." "What ARE you doing?" "!" "No fires to be lit till after six o'clock." "Just thought I'd warm the place up a bit." "If you're cold, I suggest you wear these" " Prince Albert's long johns." "So, where are Gran and Grandad this year?" "There's a card from Grandpapa on the mantelpiece." ""Dear fuckers," ""It's too bastard cold." ""We've fucked off to that Polynesian island where I'm worshipped as a god." ""If anything comes up, say I've got another urinary tract infection." ""Fuck off." "Grandad."" "Look, Dad, I'm sorry they made me the next in line instead of you, but it was a referendum and we must respect the public's decision." "The public voted Angels by Robbie Williams as the best song of all time - what does that say about the public?" "They're cretins - that's what!" "They are not!" "Take the recent EU referendum." "The great British public considered the question from every angle - the loss in GDP, the decline in overseas investment, the collapse in sterling." "They didn't just say, "We don't like Polish people," and vote to leave." "Well, everyone in the village wants me to be king." "You own that village." "Technically you still have the medieval right to have sex with any woman there." "Yes...technically." "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't be king." "All right, you're arrogant, you're self-absorbed, and you never listen." "So you're saying I'm too handsome to be king?" "No, you never listen!" "The people didn't want you, they wanted me - someone modern and in touch." "I am in touch!" "I'm going to listen to The Goons." "George III!" "Yes!" "Do you like my wig?" "Um, yeah." "I don't think it's very convincing, but I am also the ghost of Christmas past and I'm here to show you that your father should be king." "I can't let Dad be king - he's too flawed." "Well, we all are, to a certain extent - even me." "Oh, yeah, you're the king who lost America, aren't you?" "That's right." "It's a very backward little country." "Nothing ever came of it, did it?" "No, no, not really." "Good." "Now... ..let us pay a visit to your father's Christmas past." "Stop it, both of you." "Dad?" "Dad!" "I'm afraid he can't hear you." "What on earth's this about?" "He said I'd never make it as a show-jumper!" "And she said I'd never make it as a semi-respectable businessman!" "You'll both make it in your respective fields." "That's why I've baked you these organic biscuits." "Anne, yours is in the shape of a pony." "Ooh!" "Andrew, yours is a surface-to-air missile system." "Now, shake hands." "So he wasn't arrogant or self-absorbed, and he did listen to people?" "What happened?" "You're about to find out." "Why are you still here, you jug-eared loser?" "Daddy!" "The bus to Gordonstoun is here." "Now, get on it!" "Goodbye, old friend." "You see, it was Gordonstoun that, er..." "What's the phrase?" "It's on the tip of my tongue..." "Fucked him up." "It's very sad, but it doesn't mean he's going to make a good king." "But all those excellent qualities are still there." "Then why did the people choose me?" "And are you really the best judge?" "You were mad for ten years." "Yes, but I'm not mad now, as my physician will no doubt tell you." "Um, there's no physician there." "If I had a shilling for every time someone said that to me..." "Good luck." "Come on, girls." "It's not that bad." "We can make Christmas decorations out of straw." "Any news from Dad?" "Girls, you know that Christmas is an international arms dealer's busiest time." "It'd take a miracle to get him here now." "There is one more thing we could do." "Release a song online called Daddy, Come Home For Christmas." "I've already written it." "This is good, Bea." "Really good." "# Christmas!" "And...upload." "Gosh, that was Christmassy." "Did you touch this?" "I was cold." "22 degrees?" "This is the master thermostat for the whole of Sandringham and it's never been set above nine degrees, ever." "But in the outside world, 22 degrees is just room temperature." "I've no interest in the outside world." "Now, I'll trouble you for your clothes." "What?" "For the incinerator." "It's all written down." "But why is it in German?" "Because we ARE German." "Each outfit to be worn to one event only." "But why?" "Because the Queen Mother willed it." "I see." "Well, my minibus of clothes is arriving any minute." "I'll get changed, then." "This is the Queen Mother's room, exactly as she left it." "Nothing must be disturbed." "The cocktail shaker." "On quiet nights, I almost think I can hear her mixing a gin martini and then ten minutes later stumbling into something." "She sounds like a wonderful woman." "Oh, she was." "Just think what she could have achieved had she not been taken from us far too soon at just 101." "I'll take these to the incinerator." "Bad news, I'm afraid." "Your minibus of clothes seems to have crashed into a propane gas tanker." "Quite the inferno - there's nothing left." "Goodness!" "Is the driver all right?" "I didn't ask." "The point is, you've got nothing to wear for the lunch you're serving in less than an hour." "I should stop Anne from incinerating my last dress." "No." "Incinerating clothes is one of Anne's few pleasures." "Good luck." "I'm sure you'll cook up a storm." "I wonder what's taking Kate so long." "Yes, I hope it's not proving too much." "But she was so keen to cook." "If only it was something more in her skill set, like fortune-telling." "Not late, am I?" "That's a...different sort of dress." "I made it from the curtains." "Those are the Queen Mother's favourite curtains." "No-one has favourite curtains." "SHE did." "She had a lot of time on her hands." "Well, I, for one, think Kate looks wonderful." "Really?" "Yes." "Certainly not like someone who's about to break down more spectacularly than British Home Stores." "There's something burning." "The lunch!" "I will break her, break her using Christmas." "It's so satisfying, putting something back." "Yeah." "So I've decided to take time away from the music industry." "Just as well, really, cos your career's in the shitter." "Harry, we should go." "I'll stay." "Pippa's not as into charity as I am." "Yes, I am." "Why do you think I do all those triathlons?" "To keep your bum in shape and meet fit blokes." "My boyfriend's joking, of course." "I say boyfriend, I mean fiance." "Oh, now I recognise you, you're Pippa Middleton." "It must be great having a sister like Kate, so kind and pretty." "Oh, Pippa's sort of pretty." "What?" "!" "Well, you're more sexy, aren't you?" "And you look a bit dirty." "Do you want your Christmas bonus?" "Right, jobs " "Harry, let's have you serving the food." "Oh, awesome." "And Pippa, would you mind emptying the chemical toilets and giving them a bit of a scrub?" "You fucking what?" "Yes, it's just these guys can be a bit gung ho when it comes to using the toilet." "Bless them." "How are you getting on?" "Badly." "Where are all the servants?" "Oh, I thought you wanted to do it all on your own so I sent them home." "I could fetch them back but by now they'll be... very drunk." "Why isn't there even a dishwasher?" "Anne would never allow it." "She has electromagnetic hypersensitivity." "Sometimes I think you don't want me to make this the best Christmas ever." "Kate, you're sounding a little paranoid." "We're family." "Yes, I suppose." "That's better." "Now, what are you serving the carollers tonight?" "Carollers?" "!" "Yes, it's on the list." "The lumpen oafs from the village come a-carolling every Christmas Eve and we served them mince pies and pastries and samosas - anything beige, really." "But I just haven't got the time." "Why don't you look under there?" "There might be something that can help." "Oh, and of course you will need another outfit." "Good luck." "Ah!" "So, Harry, what are you up to tomorrow?" "Erm." "With the rellies." "You know, I used to love Christmas Day but I keep getting clothes now." "It used to be toys." "You?" "The council won't let us use this site tomorrow." "I've just got to find somewhere for these guys to eat." "Well, bring them to ours." "What?" "!" "Well, I wouldn't want to impose." "Yes, that's a terrible idea." "You wouldn't be imposing." "I insist." "Guys, how does Christmas lunch with the royal family sound?" "Hey-hey!" "God bless the house of Windsor." "That's settled, then." "Oh, and Pippa, I made you a nice cup of Rosie Lee." "I know what you're doing, Ellie, because I've done it before and twice as well, so you can take your cup of Rosie Lee and shove it up your arse." "12 words." "It's a book." "First word 'the'." "The Royal Society of British Architects' Guide" "To Traditional Neoclassical Architecture." "How did you get that?" "Wild stab in the dark." "Hello." "Uncle Edward!" "And you've come dressed as Father Christmas for the children." "Oh, no, no, I've come straight from work." "I'm Santa at Debenhams, King's Lynn." "Good for you." "God, I'm really looking forward to Christmas." "I haven't eaten for two days." "What?" "I mean, since breakfast." "Edward, we're playing charades." "Yes, please!" "So it's true." "You are playing charades." "I'm the only one in this family who ever does any work." "Well, perhaps if you had a bit of fun occasionally, you wouldn't turn up to all your engagements with a face like a slapped arse." "As you well know, my face looks like a slapped arse as a result of a miserable personality." "Besides, being a royal isn't supposed to be fun." "But weren't you on A Question Of Sport?" "Well, look where that led." "Emlyn Hughes touched me inappropriately." "Imagine, a common defensive midfielder touching me, the Princess Royal." "But even now, I can't stop thinking about him." "No charades." "Not to worry." "Let's go for a walk." "I'll tell you about the time Roger Federer said I was the best tennis player in the world." "Wow." "Not in so many words, but it's what he was thinking." "George III." "That's right." "You named your little boy George, didn't you?" "Was that after me?" "Actually we named him after George Clooney." "We both really liked Ocean's Twelve." "Oh." "But I'm glad you're here." "I still don't think Dad would make a better king than me." "Well, you're not looking hard enough." "He just said he was the best tennis player in the world." "Right, I think it's time you took a look at your father's Christmas future, young man." "Where are we?" "The Big Brother Diary Room." "See how the years have ravaged him." "It's like a ploughman has taken a team of oxen and a harrow to his face." "I feel like Brian Harvey's trying to exclude me from the group because he thinks I fancy Kimberley Walsh." "But we're just friends." "And how does that make you feel, Prince Charles?" "Pretty gloomy, actually." "We're living in each other's pockets." "Why's he in here?" "It's the only way he can make a living." "In the future, he's just a minor royal." "Prince Charles, your nominations, please." "I hate to do this." "Duffy... and Martin Amis." "Even if his future is horrible, it doesn't mean he has the first idea about people's needs and aspirations." "Really?" "So why, when you were young, do you think that he baked you this?" "The helicopter-shaped Cornish biscuit!" "I remember." "George III?" "Girls, which dress do you think I should wear for Christmas Eve supper?" "It doesn't matter, does it, Mummy?" "We're not invited." "We're eating assorted grains out of a bucket." "Daddy would never have stood for this." "Do you think it's possible our song was shit?" "Ahead of its time, maybe, but shit?" "No." "Getting a bit cold, isn't it, girls?" "What's that?" "It's a helicopter." "Bea..." "look." "It's Pa!" "Happy Christmas, everyone." "You're number one in Azerbaijan, by the way." "Amazeballs!" "And this is for you." "Well, open it, you silly moo." "All right." "It's a joke." "Oh, yeah, it's really funny, Andy." "It's all right now, girls, Mummy's eyesight's coming back." "Who's coming out with me to the big house, then?" "Yeah!" "It's a Christmas miracle." "Dad, I've got you a present." "Is this a joke?" "No." "It's your Prince of Wales crown." "Papa, I want you to be the next in line again." "So it's me first and then you?" "Just like it should be." "Oh, my boy." "This is the best present a chap could have." "I love you, Dad." "So what made you change your mind?" "Pity." "Oh." "And this biscuit." "Oh." "But mainly pity." "Oh." "Still." "My precious." "My precious!" "Oh." "It's you." "Kate, the carollers are here." "God, I haven't been here in years." "Charles won't mind me being here, will he?" "Fergie." "Now look here, Charlie boy..." "Merry Christmas, one and all!" "Way-hay!" "# Deck the halls with boughs of holly" "# Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la la-la" "♪ 'Tis the season to be jolly... ♪" "Who says Christmas at Sandringham can't be fun?" "And we're number one in Azerbaijan!" "Hey-hey!" "Happy Christmas!" "Is that a shower curtain?" "I've made a selection of beige nibbles." "Partridge satay, crunchy crab parcels and hedgehog vol-au-vents." "Take a serviette." "I mean, napkin." "Don't just stand there, dive in!" "Three per person." "And don't forget, if you're having the satay, use the peanut dipping sauce." "I'm allergic to peanuts." "Just eat it!" "There's a fire in the kitchen!" "Someone's plugged in a microwave oven." "The house can't take it." "It's only wired to take two amps, in total." "I thought it would be quicker." "Did you?" "Oh, Kate..." "We've all been avoiding the truth because we love her so much." "We have to face the fact that..." "Kate is ruining Christmas." "She's losing her mind." "Darling, you're wearing normal clothes again." "That's great." "Yeah." "I had to drive all the way to Harrods to get some." "How nice of them to open up specially for you?" "They didn't." "I had to put a brick through the window." "Oh, no!" "You put yourself under too much strain." "It's just lunch." "Just lunch?" "Just lunch?" "!" "Have you the faintest idea what goes into making a Christmas lunch?" "!" "Ya - isn't it just putting a big chicken in the oven?" "No." "There's the bread sauce, the cranberry sauce, the special gypsy sauce, two different types of stuffing, and that's before you even get to the parsnips!" "My mistake." "Can you just put the knife down?" "What?" "!" "Oh!" "I'm sorry!" "I've got to go." "But just, you know, try and calm down a bit." "The sprouts!" "Nothing beats a Christmas morning swim in an icy lake." "Ha-ha-ha-ha!" "Well, maybe a Margarita." "So, future king again, eh?" "Yes." "Before long I'll be having those weekly PM-monarch meetings with Theresa May." "I do hope she doesn't try anything on." "You know I'm catnip to the ladies." "Yes." "How will she control herself" "Dad - the BBC accidentally taped Strictly Come Dancing over the Queen's Christmas speech, and she's not here to do it again." "What are you saying?" "Well, you're going to have to do the speech." "Live." "Excellent." "I've always wanted to deliver the Christmas message." "You've always wanted to set fire to the Tate Modern - doesn't mean it's a good idea." "And you've got nothing prepared." "I'll just wing it." "After all, everyone I meet thinks everything I say is wonderful." "That's face-to-face." "These people will be in their own homes, taking the mickey, making sarcastic remarks, doing impressions of you." "Oh, don't be absurd." "What could they possibly find to do an impression of?" "Fe fe, fe fe, yeugh." "Come back to bed, Andy." "In a minute." "Oh, get up, Bates!" "It's a joke!" "Merry Christmas!" "Merry Christmas, girls!" "We made breakfast." "Oh, yum." "But before you tuck in, let me give you your present." "Fucking hell, Bea, he's going to pop the question!" "I've been with many women, Fergs, and caught many unpleasant diseases, some of which are still in their dormant stage, but penicillin can't cure the disease I caught off you." "Love." "Oh!" "Fergie - will you marry me?" "Don't know." "What?" "!" "You've broken so many promises in the past, not just to the Board of Trade regarding your conduct abroad, but to me." "I've changed, Fergie!" "The Board of Trade have given me a second chance!" "Won't you?" "Oh, Andy, of course I will!" "Oh!" "Agh!" "Oh, Andy!" "Ellie." "And I brought my guitar." "Oh, lucky us!" "I could teach you how to make a chord with your fingers." "Oh, Harry doesn't need any help with his fingering." "And hasn't your fret been fingered already by everyone from Ed Sheeran to Dougie from McFly?" "That's true, but when a fret's been fingered as many times as mine has, it gets looser and easier to play." "Oh, no-one doubts it's loose." "I made you a CD of some of my favourite Christian rock songs." "Oh, right, I'll definitely listen to that." "I'll just go and find a... ..a bin." "And I thought we might have got off on the wrong foot yesterday." "So, this is for you." "It's some poems I wrote about flowers." "Oh, thank you, Ellie, that is so sweet of you." "I've got you all wrong." "What are you doing?" "I've got a poem for you." "Stay away from my fiance or I'll fuck you up so bad, even your own mother won't recognise you." "Er, who are this lot, then?" "You invited them yesterday at the soup kitchen." "Oh." "Could have done." "I was very drunk." "Now, let's get you a cup of something warm." "Harry?" "Yeah." "Could you give me a hand?" "Erm, yeah." "Oh, it's like that, is it?" "Well, I invented pretending to be nice to get men." "Oh, hello, you, what's your name?" "I don't know, I lost my memory." "Really?" "Come on, let me show you the way to the bathroom, get you nice and disinfected." "What the hell's going on?" "Harry invited them." "They're homeless." "She's not, though, in case the hair and clothes confuse you." "Seven extra mouths to feed?" "Well, I'm sure Kate can cope." "Can't wait to tell her." "I should like to talk to you today about 15th century Tuscan architecture." "You're a bit stiff." "You've got to connect with people." "Let me show you." "Oh..." "Hi." "Do you know the most important thing a person can be?" "No, not king." "A parent." "I remember when we had baby Charlotte - we could have gone somewhere fancy, but chose to have her in a normal hospital that only cost ?" "5,000." "A night." "See?" "Keep it relatable." "Right, and then go on to Tuscan architecture." "No." "Maybe work-life balance?" "Since I rejoined the air ambulance," "I've found it very hard squaring being a dad... with my 20 hours a week flying helicopters, plus doing up to one royal duty a month, and finding time to watch Homes Under The Hammer." "God, you sound like a bloody social worker." "Hi." "Just thought I'd pop in to say, "Have fun out there"." "Energy, energy, energy." "Edward, are you directing the speech this year?" "Well, I did use to run my own TV company, which would still be solvent if I hadn't made a series of catastrophic creative decisions." "So, you're in safe hands." "What's this for?" "It goes with the turkey." "I'm doing Jamie's Well Pukka Right Banging Eat-It-You-Slag" "Christmas dinner." "Turkey?" "!" "At Sandringham, we always have carp." "Carp?" "It's part of our German heritage." "Carp schnitzel mit crispy spaetzler - and all the trimmings." "All this will have to be incinerated." "It was all written down." "I see." "But where am I going to find a carp on Christmas Day?" "You'd better take this as well - the ice on the lake can be quite thick in places." "Oh, and you know how big-hearted Harry is." "There'll be seven extra for lunch." "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Can't wait!" "The wedding's set for Feb, and then the fun really begins!" "He's talking about the honeymoon." "That's when I begin funnelling my earnings into Switzerland via Fergs, ready for the new financial year!" "Yeah!" "Daddy's only marrying Mummy for tax reasons!" "We've got to tell her." "No!" "She'll be gutted." "And anyway, what's so wrong in getting married to avoid tax?" "Eugenie, when I get married, I want it to be for the right reasons" " for love and sexual gratification!" "# Kumbaya, my lord, kumbaya," "# Oh, lord, kumbaya. #" "OK, everyone, there's orange and lemon squash on the table, and for those of you who don't have alcohol issues, there's a big bottle of Scotch in the corner." "I've got it!" "I've got it!" "You know, Ellie, you were wonderful." "So were you." "Let's have a Christian hug." "OK." "What the fuck are you doing?" "Oh, Pippa, it's not what it looks like." "I've told you enough times to keep your mitts to yourself, but you couldn't, could you, you little slut?" "!" "If you keep insulting me like this, I'll..." "What?" "Bake me a cake?" "No." "Ooh!" "# I don't want a lot for Christmas, there is just one thing I need," "# I don't care about no presents underneath the Christmas tree" "# I just want you for my own, more than you could ever know" "# Make my wish come true" "♪ All I want for Christmas is you. ♪" "You can fight." "When your act's as bad as mine, you have to." "You know, the first time your daddy and I got married, we were too young." "And now I just think we're ready for it, and, erm, that's why I've decided to put him in charge of all my financial affairs." "Mummy, I have to tell you something." "So, Mummy - what was your first wedding like?" "It was an amazing feeling, you know, being on the balcony with 100,000 people chanting, "Kiss!"" "Although there was one man shouting, "Show us your tits."" "And that man was your father, and that's why I love him." "I'm sorry, lunch seems to be a little late." "I did fear it would be too much for Kate." "Everyone, please enjoy my traditional German Christmas lunch!" "Oh, there you are!" "Darling, that looks amazing!" "Well done." "But I can't stay." "What?" "!" "I've just spent all day cooking it!" "I know, but it's just food, and I've got to work on dad's speech." "I'll grab some toast later." "Toast?" "!" "Mmm." "Good beef rouladen." "And a superb schweinebraten mit gemuse." "Sehr gut." "Just a minute." "That's not carp schnitzel mit crispy spaetzle." "No, I couldn't catch a carp, so it's pike schnitzel mit crispy spaetzle." "The menu was quite clear, and she knew that when she took this on." "But surely, pike schnitzel mit crispy spaetzle will do?" "!" "DO?" "!" "No, it won't do!" "The Queen Mother will be spinning in her vast mausoleum!" "It's carp or nothing!" "But I can't go back in that lake." "I can't!" "It was so cold!" "All this will have to be incinerated!" "No!" "Kate, you're becoming hysterical." "No, I'm not!" "You lot sit around eating this crispy spaetzle shit!" "Well, what's wrong with a massive tin of Quality Street and a bottle of Diet fucking Coke?" "!" "Enough!" "Oh, dear." "I'm sure she didn't mean what she was saying when she insulted everything you hold dear." "Perhaps you should take her for a lie-down." "Yes." "A lie-down." "Yes, a lie-down would be nice." "That'll teach you to waltz into our family with your common touch and your Zara tops." "All set." "Ready when you are." "Ya - should the camera be pointing at Dad?" "OK, let's go with that." "OK, Dad, it's all up on the teleprompter." "Any last-minute advice?" "Just don't declare war on the EU." "Ha!" "Action!" "People of Earth..." "I mean, people of Great Britain and the Commonwealth - what a year it's been." "Smile for emphasis." "The time has come for us to unite and make Brexit a success." "We British have left Europe behind, as we Windsors once left behind the name Saxe-Coburg und Gotha." "Oh, no - he's going off script!" "But leaving the EU doesn't mean we stop being European, any more than we Windsors stop being German." "I trust you've all seen the footage of grandmama teaching mama and Auntie Margaret how to do the Nazi salute." "And I'm sure you're aware that Princess Michael of Kent's father was an SS major who escaped to Mozambique." "But that doesn't stop us being British - of course it doesn't." "We face a bright future outside Europe, especially with us Saxe-Coburg und Gothas..." "I mean, Windsors." "Sorry, I've got it in my head now." "..as your leaders." "So, with that message, that message of hope," "I bid you farewell and frohe Weinacht." "In English, you fool!" "I mean, "Merry Christmas"." "There's another ten seconds to fill." "Say something!" "Oh..." "I declare war on the EU!" "And we're out!" "That went rather well, didn't it?" "I'm sure we got away with it." "We can't have done." "You declared war on the EU, Dad!" "The EU!" "I should think the sofa-dwelling scum snored all the way through it." "I'm sure they just took it for the little intentional joke it was." "Now, who's for a glass of shampoo?" "Oh, yes, please!" "Oh, my God!" "I was thinking we could get married at the ski lodge in Switzerland." "How is the old place?" "Oh, I don't know." "Uh, I haven't been there since August." "What?" "!" "Yeah, I've been, er, following the '80s Revival Tour round Britain." "What?" "Well, you know I like Nik Kershaw!" "So, it's been more than three months?" "Er, well, yes." "Don't you realise that if you spend more than three months in the UK, you're liable to pay UK taxes?" "!" "Oh, so what are you saying, that this whole marriage is based on tax evasion?" "No, Fergie, no." "Tax avoidance." "It's a totally different ball game." "Oh, my God!" "It's all starting to make sense now." "You...you really don't love me, do you?" "All this time, you've just been using me." "Oh, sure, yeah, the sex was good." "Particularly early on, when our marathon sessions could last over 36 hours and we'd explore each other's bodies with our tongues..." "But that was a long time ago." "You have robbed me of the chance to stand on my own two feet." "Well, I'm standing on them now!" "Yeah, Daddy, she's got a range of juicers now!" "Well, one juicer, but in a range of colours!" "Ooh, Fergie, I've never seen you like this before." "Well, get used to it, because you have exploited my childlike naivety for the last time." "What are you doing, Anne?" "!" "You cut up the Queen Mother's curtains, set fire to my kitchen, served pike!" "Camilla was right, you are unbalanced." "I'm lobotomising you!" "Lobotomising?" "!" "Oh, I'm fully licensed." "We were doing so many in the royal family, it just worked out cheaper." "But I'm not unbalanced." "How can I be, when I love horses as much as you do?" "You're lying." "You don't love horses at all!" "I do, I grew up with them." "Ask me anything." "All right, then." "What breed of horse is Black Beauty?" "In the TV series, or the book, or film?" "ALL OF THEM!" "Agh!" "In the book...a thoroughbred." "Er...in the film... ..an American Quarter Horse." "And in the TV series?" "Oh..." "And in the TV series, oh... ..a Welsh Cob!" "Hum the theme tune." "You DO love horses!" "Can you turn the drill off, please?" "Oh, yes, of course." "Oh." "Oh." "Oh, Anne, I've never seen you smile before." "Well, that's because..." "I never have." "Have I missed lunch?" "It got in...cinerated." "Who are you?" "I'm the homeless man you had disinfected." "You scrub up well." "You all right?" "Oh, my God!" "It's all coming back to me!" "What is?" "I'm Johnny Mathers, I run a hedge fund, live in Belgravia, and I'm worth ?" "2 billion." "That's right, but you forgot the most important bit - that we're engaged." "Really?" "!" "Oh, Johnny, you're back!" "And now you can get that ring you were talking about." "A ring?" "Yes, I wanted something really basic and you were like, "No, let's push the boat out" ""and get something really special."" "Really?" "!" "Your exact words were," ""It must cost at least a quarter of a million pounds."" "Ah, yes..." "Bonjour." "Je m'appelle His Royal Highness Prince William." "Oh, you speak English, thanks." "Look, I need to speak to the President of the EU - right now!" "He hanged up!" "What are you worried about?" "None of the greasy-gob continentals watched it." "Someone did!" "Or something." "The EU have deployed a fully-automated defence system and they're about to launch a nuclear attack!" "What?" "!" "If only we hadn't voted to leave the EU we'd be privy to their discussions about a nuclear attack." "Oh, shut up!" "There must be something we can do!" "I know it's bad, but with my debts personally, this couldn't have come at a better time." "Oh, if only I had the password to get in, I might be able to do something." "Everyone, get to the nuclear bunker!" "We haven't got one any more." "After the Cold War, it was converted into a health club and spa." "There's been a spa here the whole time?" "Do you think we've got time for a hot-stone rub?" "Oh, yes, please!" "But I only get one shot at it." "Here goes..." "I've got a suggestion." "Kate!" "It's the EU, try " "Farage is a wanker." "Don't listen to her, she's unbalanced!" "Trust me, Wills, you know it makes sense." "Oh, you did it!" "Well done, Kate." "Well, I knew you weren't unbalanced really." "Of course she's not." "She can hum the theme tune to Black Beauty." "'I am Gargantuan, the EU's automatic defence system." "'One minute until missile launch.'" "You didn't mind missing Doctor Who to do this, did you?" "It's just nice to think of everyone else having a great time." "Yeah, that's the main thing." "Um, do you fancy a drink?" "Oh, I don't drink." "Cheeky spliff?" "Oh, I don't smoke." "And I'm a virgin." "A virgin?" "!" "And I intend to stay one until I'm married." "And possibly afterwards, as well." "Harry?" "NO!" "Only the Prime Minister can declare war, it was just Dad!" "'No, the Head of State declares war, 'and Prince Charles is your acting Head of State.'" "Look, the title is Head of State, but Monarch is just a ceremonial position." "'Does not compute." "What would be the point?" "'" "I don't know." "We're just a weird hangover from the past, like the Channel Islands or televised snooker." "We can advise." "We're the ones who open Parliament." "Oh, they could do that without us." "We've got the keys!" "'But the Monarch has to ratify all your legislation.'" "It's just a rubber stamp, the royal veto hasn't been used since the 1700s." "'Interesting, but I need to hear this from Prince Charles.'" "Father, sit there and tell them we are completely irrelevant." "It's the only way to stop a nuclear war!" "But I'm the Evening Standard Londoner of the Decade." "Do it!" "If not for me, if not for the country... for Christmas." "All right." "I'm utterly irrelevant." "'I'm going to need that again to match the voice.'" "I'm totally pointless." "'Three...'" "I'm completely useless!" "'Two...'" "My whole life is a waste of time!" "'One..." "'Launch protocols." "'Halted.'" "Oh!" "Oh, it worked!" "I did it, I saved the day again." "Pips, where are you going?" "Look, if this is about Ellie..." "I'm not interested, Harry." "But there's nothing going on." "She's too much of a goody two-shoes." "So that's not an act?" "No, she really is that dull." "Well, it's too late, too much has happened." "What?" "It's only been four hours." "I met someone." "One of the tramps." "The one who lost his memory." "But I forget things all the time." "Your birthday." "My name." "That's not the point." "He's handsome." "He likes triathlons." "And - not that it matters - has ?" "2 billion." "It's over, Harry." "Pippa..." "..I love you." "Oh, Kate, I'm sorry about trying to have you lobotomised, it was wrong of me." "And it was wrong of me to try and cook Christmas lunch." "Friends?" "Friends." "Phoof." "This has been the worst Christmas since Windsor Castle burnt down." "And do you know what?" "It's been my favourite." "Hey, let's sing a traditional Windsors' Christmas song."