"There I was, on a lonely deserted mountain road in the middle of the night when suddenly, my breaks failed on the downgrade." "Oh, Maxine, you must have been scared out of you wits." "Let's just say I was screaming my mantra at the top of my lungs." "I'll bet." "I kept going faster and faster when, suddenly, another power took control and pushed me into the passenger seat." "Usually, I don't let other people drive my car." "And that was the first time you met, uh--?" "What did you say your friend's name was?" "Vlad." "The warrior god." "Maxine, this is fascinating." "But where would a 6000-year-old Mayan warrior learn to down-shift a Toyota?" "I know you're skeptical but if it wasn't for Vlad I wouldn't be alive to be reunited with Neal." "Did you say "reunited"?" "Ours has been one of the great romances throughout history." "Didn't Neal tell you?" "Well, we haven't spoken in a couple of days." " Would you like some more tea?" " No, thank you." " Neal?" " No, thank you." " I think I'll get us some anyway." " I'll give you a hand." "Do you like them?" "How can I like them after what they did to my village?" "All right, who wants to go first?" "ALF, it's easy to criticize, but the world is made up of all kinds of different people." "As we've seen this evening Maxine herself is made of seven or eight of them." "Still, if she marries into the family, do I have to hide from Vlad?" "Well, we'll just have to meet Vlad and make that decision then." "Shh." "Hey, look at it this way:" "You haven't lost a brother you've gained a god." "[ALL LAUGHING]" "You will all be glad to see me burn but if I go through the fire I shall go through it to their hearts forever and ever." "And so, God be with me." "Not bad." "Now do it again, and this time, try to show a little leg." "ALF, I'm auditioning for Joan of Arc." "I don't think that would be appropriate." "Just tell me if I've got the lines right." "Okay, but I'm telling you it would be a lot funnier if you were holding a rubber chicken." "It's not a comedy." "Well, not the way you're doing it." "Hey, I've got a great idea." "When they strike the first torch grab your big toe and hop around yelling, "Hot foot!" "Hot foot!"" "I'm tied to a stake." "You're tied to a piece of meat and you don't see the humor in that?" "No." "Well, then you might wanna consider a couple of well-placed tassels." "Thanks." "You've been no help at all." "What's wrong?" "He wants me to hold a rubber chicken and wear tassels." "I guess he figures, because he got Brian to do it once...." "[KNOCKING ON DOOR]" "Oh, ALF." "It's Neal." "Oh, great." "God's gag gift to women." " Hey, Neal." " Willie the most amazing thing just happened." " Hi, Uncle Neal." " Hi, Neal." "It's incredible." "It caught me totally by surprise." " You won't ever guess what it is." " Your ex-wife's coming to town." "Brian, please." "Go on, Neal." "Actually, that's it." "How did you know?" "It's his standard guess." "Well, anyway, you'll never guess why she's coming to town." "She wants you back?" "Can you bend spoons too?" "Well, Neal, when did all this happen?" "[CAR HORN HONKING]" "That's my ride." "Gotta go." "We'll see you." "You know, Neal, that really is amazing." "I can't believe that Margaret, after all she's put you through that she would have the nerve to call you up and ask you to take her back." "It must have felt really good to finally tell her off, eh?" "Well, I suppose it would, had I taken that approach." "Don't tell me you're actually considering taking her back." "Willie, I don't understand what you find so wrong with my wanting to go back to someone I spent ten years of my life with." "Neal, get a clue." "They hate her!" "Willie, is that true?" "Willie, now, Margaret does have her sweet side." "Oh, you're not still buying into that "poor little helpless me" act of hers, are you?" "I mean, she walked out on you." "Neal, even if she weren't manipulative, domineering, selfish" "Honey, honey." "Shh." "Those are his words." "Still, Neal may not wanna hear them again right now." "I think what Kate is trying to say, and she speaks for all of us is you're in it so deep, we're all giving up." "So, what shall we watch on TV tonight?" "I've narrowed it down to Nova:" "Inside the Atom" " Ugh." "And" " And I'm not lobbying for this." "My Mother the Car." "Yeah!" "We're not watching a show where someone's mom comes back as a talking car." "What do you mean?" "You laugh at Mister Ed every night." "That's entirely different." "That's a talking horse." "What's the difference?" "First of all, Ed did not "come back."" "And second, there's no physical way that a car can talk." "Well, that's not necessarily true." "If, let's say, the car" "Honey, please, don't let him suck you into this conversation again." " I'm gonna win this time." " Mm-mm." "Listen." "A car is a machine" "Well, guess what happened." "You didn't get the part." "Will you stop that?" "Tell us, honey." "I didn't get the part." " There'll be other roles." " I know." "I got one." "It's one line." "I share it with six other students." "I'm a knight." "I don't even get to play my own gender." "I told you you should have shown a little leg." "[KNOCKING ON DOOR]" "NEAL:" "It's me, Neal." " Hi." " Hi." "Willie, I wanna thank you for forcing me to see what a fool I've been." "What are you talking about?" "I was up all night thinking about Margaret." "And you were right." "I mean, we had an empty marriage." "She used me as her cook, her masseur until just the right credit dentist came along." "I mean, I don't know why I didn't see through her." "You could barely see around her." "So I acted on my feelings and I did the only thing I could." "You threw her body in the trunk of your car?" "It's always the quiet ones." "No." "Margaret's at the airport and I told her to take a cab here, because I didn't wanna see her alone." " What?" " Well I didn't think Willie should reject her for me on the phone." "It's so impersonal." "Neal, I hope you understand, for your sake, why Willie can't do this for you." " Oh, please, just this once, Willie?" " Ha, ha." "Forget it." "Fine, I'll do it myself." "But this is the last favor I do for you." "Spoken like a true invertebrate." "What could be taking her so long?" "Maybe she met another dentist on her way here and is being worked on as we speak." "What?" "[DOORBELL RINGS]" "Willie, at least tell me what to do." "Just be honest, Neal." "Tell her that you appreciate her feelings, you just don't happen to share them." "Yeah." "And don't let the door hit her big butt on the way out." "KATE:" "ALF." " I've seen pictures." "I'm allowed an opinion." "Hello, Neal." "Margaret." "You look wonderful." "What did you do to yourself?" "Oh, gosh." "Well, let's see, uh...." "It was a combination of joining a gym, running three miles a day eating only healthy foods, but mostly it was the extensive surgery." "Most women wouldn't be so honest about that." "I think I've paid the price for lying, don't you?" " You look well." " So do you." "NEAL:" "Uh...." "So how much did you lose, 60, 80 pounds?" "You always did know the right thing to say." "I know I've hurt you." "And I have no right to ask you to give me another chance." "But I'm asking." "Get your popcorn." "Get your Flicks." "Get your Sugar Daddies." "Get away from the pass-through." "Give them a little privacy." "She's got him on the ropes, Willie." "She's pounding his midsection." "What's keeping him up?" "Uh-oh." "Uh-oh, uh-oh!" "What?" "What?" "Not since Tyson and Givens has a man been so outmatched in the ring." "We should invite Margaret and Neal to the movies with us." "Ha!" "Only if you take them to see Throw Margaret from the Train." "ALF, Margaret and Neal have rekindled something in each other and no matter how much that repels us it looks like she's gonna be around for a while." " Willie." " I'm sorry, Kate." "I don't like her." "I didn't like her then and I don't trust her now." "Oh, what the heck?" "Let's go to the movies." "Anyway, it's not for us to judge what mutually destructive qualities two people need to make them happy." "I think we should just stay out of it." "It's too late, anyway." "The guy's so whipped, he's butter." "Stay out of trouble." "MAN [ON TV]:" "This is Joey del Rubio and I can show you how to make a million dollars in your spare time." "I did it and so can you." "Oh, do us all a favor." "Take 20 bucks out and get your teeth cleaned." "[PHONE RINGS]" "Hello." "Oh, hi, Neal." "What's up, dude?" "Yeah, is Willie there?" "Anybody?" "Darn, we're so excited about our news and there's nobody to tell." "Oh, then let me find someone." "[IN LOW VOICE] Hello." "You're the guy with the news, huh?" "Sorry, ALF." "Margaret and I are getting married." " What?" " Yeah." " We're driving to Vegas to tie the knot." " But Neal." "MARGARET:" "Honey!" "Uh, listen, I gotta go." "Tell everybody the good news for me, okay?" "Bye." "But Neal, wait!" "Don't..." "[DIALTONE] ...hang up." "Ugh." "This had to happen on my watch." "Do I sit by and do nothing or risk all and save the poor schlub?" "Well, it is Vegas." "And there is that sock of quarters Brian's been saving." "Just think." "In less than an hour, we're going to be husband and wife." "Again." "And my sister and her four sons could move back in with us." "She's down to 280 now and she's practically back on her feet." "You like Cissy, don't you, Neal?" "[CAR HORN HONKS]" "Look out!" "Where were you going?" "I, uh, guess I was having one too many happy thoughts." "Ha, ha." "Uh, ahem." "You know, Margaret, I was thinking, um it wouldn't be so bad if we lived in Los Angeles, would it?" "Do you have to make an issue out of where we're gonna live?" "Well, it's just that I like Los Angeles and I" "Honey, let's not argue on our wedding night." "Let's pop for the swankiest room in town." "Maybe in that hotel with the cowboy with the arm that goes like this:" "Oh!" "Honestly, honey, your happy thoughts are gonna kill us." "Do you mind if I go in first?" "I'd like to freshen up for you." "I'm still not happy with this face." "[CHUCKLES]" "You really stepped in it this time, Neal." "You are crazy." "What are you doing here?" "I came to see Rickles." "I came to stop you from making the biggest mistake of your life." "Again." "Do Willie and Kate know you're here?" "Yeah, yeah." "I had a hall pass." "My dog ate it." "Look, ALF, I appreciate your concern, but this is none of your business." "I wanna do this." "Well, if I were a strict Freudian I'd say your forays into oncoming traffic belie a deep underlying scarediness." "You picked up on that, huh?" "What are you thinking about, man?" "Well, we were in the throes of, well, reuniting and" "Oh, stop, stop, stop." "Why am I doubting myself?" "Could it be because your blood's on its way back to your brain?" "What am I doing?" "I'm just gonna go in there and put this happiest day of my life behind me." "Will you forget Margaret?" "We're in the most exciting city in Nevada." "Donny Osmond's opening for Morey Amsterdam." "We could go to the Liberace Museum." "Or look for a free breakfast." "There's so much to do, and me without clothes." "It's not Lady Di's wedding but then again, she didn't get a free pull on the slots." "I now pronounce you man and wife." "Congratulations." "Now, here's your setup." "The paper plates are on the table, so go hit the buffet." "Number 41." "Forty-one." " Right here." " Right here." "[CLEARS THROAT]" ""It always warms my heart to see two people so madly in love."" "Now, the basic wedding is $45." "The videotape, the flowers and the rice, that's an extra 75." "We offer an Elvis witness for $50, or the fat Elvis for 35." "So?" "Uh, just the basic wedding." "Were those guys ever a bad investment." "[SIGHS]" "We are gathered here to join Neal Tanner and Margaret Tanner." "Wha--?" "Are you two first cousins?" "Because you're gonna have to go to Texas for that." "No." "It's a long story." "With a happy ending, right, Neal?" "Uh, I know this is inappropriate, but, uh, I'll be right back." " Is something wrong, honey?" " No, I'm, uh" " I'm fine." "I just need to run to the restroom and throw myself a quick bachelor party." "Number 43." "Forty-three." "ALF." "Neal, you're in luck." "I found a girl for you that has all the qualities Margaret lacks." "Plus, she takes Visa." "Why do you suppose that is?" " Put that down." " Okay." " So are you married?" " No." "We got as far as the vows and I realized that I don't love her anymore." "Yes!" "Yes!" "Start the car!" "Hop in the back seat." "I'll drive." "This way, we won't attract attention to ourselves." "What am I gonna do?" "What if Margaret's the only one who'll want me?" "Then take this sock of quarters and buy a gun." "That's it." "I gotta tell her." "I just don't know how to break it to her." "Take a deep breath." "Try to imagine life in ten years." "Your survival instincts should kick in after that." "Okay." "What you babes are missing." "How was the party?" "Nobody came." "Pretty flimsy." "Yeah." "I know." "What's the matter?" "You can tell me anything." "You know that." " Margaret, I" " Wait, wait." "Let's get married first." "We can talk later." "Believe me, I never wanted to hurt you." "Margaret, don't do this to yourself." " Get your own plate." " Margaret, please." " You have never forgiven me, have you?" " No, it's not that." "It's just that I don't love you anymore, Margaret." "I don't understand." "Just three hours ago, in short quick breaths, you made it quite clear that" "I know, but I think that came more out of who we used to be than who we are now." "I never should have left you." "Maybe." "But we're different people now." "And hopefully we'll come out of this stronger and better." "Well, I guess that's that." "Still friends?" "Oh, of course." " Can I give you a lift back?" " No." "I've got a thumb and a pretty nice leg now, thanks to Dr. Markus." "[LAUGHS]" "I'll be fine." "Take care of yourself, Neal." "You too." "[SLOT MACHINE DINGING]" "ALF:" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Two cherries and a watermelon!" "Well, on behalf of all of us, I really feel you made the right decision." "I'll tell you, it was a pretty painful, lonely drive back." "Quit complaining." "You slept most of the way." "I still say you did the right thing." "I just expressed that, honey." "Oh, good." "The only thing I question is the wisdom of taking ALF to see a Las Vegas show." "Well, Margaret did leave her parka in the back seat." "And fortunately ALF looks way over 21." "Still." "Willie, we were at Nudes on Ice." "Trust me, nobody was looking at the audience." "[ENGLISH" " US" " SDH]"