"They're called The Spectrum." "A savage stampede of cannibal women." "One person's dead, another's missing." "Come back!" "I like your dressing gowns." " I'm Ash." " You're pleased!" "You love that she likes you!" "ASH:" "You call us Spectrum." " Agh!" " Laura!" " Tom!" " Surrender or die!" "You've got a week to decide." "(Thunder crashes)" "(Yells)" "(Voices arguing, yelling)" "If we don't go after Spectrum, Tom and Laura will die." "If we split up, if we attack them, all of us will die." "But they took my feeble, helpless baby!" "And Laura, but she can handle herself." "It's too risky." "We're safe here." "No, we're not." "Spectrum are coming back." " (Felix grunts)" " Felix!" "That's kind of my stuff." "(Bellows)" "Calmly, la!" "Here, here." " Pet this sausage dog." " I'm going after my family." "We are not throwing everything away on a suicide mission." " Here you go." " This is the safest place in..." "Agh!" "(Screams)" "Jennifer!" "It's OK." "Lightning never strikes twice..." "(Chuckles)" "Ripped by mstoll" "Agh!" " Get off!" " Ow!" "Daddy!" "Laura!" "Laura!" "Let go!" " Daddy!" " Laura!" "(Men chanting) Food!" "Food!" "What about them, eh?" "There's no normal people any more." "Noticed that?" "No solid, three-star guys." "Blokes who owned a biggish watch and occasionally drank Guinness." "Now everyone's making jewellery out of someone else's teeth." "I hate you!" "You fell in love with Ash." "What about Mummy?" "All right!" "What about your mum and Oscar?" "I just had a few bad thoughts." "You can't punish me for that - you're not God." "Who even is God?" "Can I check with your mum before I answer that question?" "Is this like Father Christmas-gate, when you said he was dead?" "The North Pole melted." "He's got nowhere to go." "He can fly away on his sleigh." "How?" "To survive the radiation, right, he's been in his toy factory for six years, minimum." "He's eaten his flying reindeer..." "and his elves and his pointless wife." "But I was wrong cos Father Christmas is magic." " And magic makes anything possible." " That's right." "Settling in?" "Why are you doing this?" "Is this some kind of feminist thing?" " Does that intimidate you?" " I don't know." "Maybe you want to tame an alpha male." " And that alpha male is... you?" " Yeah." "I'm relatively tonk." "I'm sexually magnetic, as we've seen." "(Clicks tongue)" "I don't care who's downwind of a fart." "I'm 100 per cent prime rib." "So if you're thinking of humiliating me, think again." "Bacon sandwich?" "Oh, God, yes!" "Please, pretty please!" "Ohh!" "Mmm!" "Go on, Dad." "Hit her!" " Your dad wouldn't hit a woman." " Yes, he would." " I wouldn't." " He hits me and Mummy all the time." "Er..." "I really, really don't." "You're such a coward." "Urgh." " Is that a nipple?" " Eat it." "I wanna fatten you up just like these little piggies." "Right, I feel like you want me to acknowledge how creepy you sound." "I'm a jowl girl, but I've heard great things about this cut, the gunt." "Or is it the gock?" "Urgh!" "Urgh." "Did you just take my cannibal cherry?" "Put something on the end of it, yeah?" "Yeah, mate!" "TOM:" "Oscar!" "I am JK, King of the Gypsies!" " (Fanfare)" " Is that meant to be Jeremy Kyle?" "Four kids of my own." "Keep the livestock entertained and the meat just falls of the bone." "Happy pigs, Happy Meals." "Welcome to the show." "Put something on the end of it, bruv!" "(Chanting) Put something on the end of it!" "Put something on the end of it!" "Put something on the end of it!" "Put something on the end of it!" " (Shouts out)" " Put something on the end of it!" "Their tracks could go on for miles." "Really we need transport." " The car?" " I crashed it." " The quadbikes?" " I threw them in the quarry, one by one." "It's been a bad week." "So where can we find a fast, agile 4x4 to slip under the radar?" "Well, there is one option." "Oh, Susan, it's perfect." "I found some petrol in the boot." "I'll fill the old queen up." "Hen nights. (Groans)" "You always get stuck with the drunk girl who goes out of her way to tell you why she never gives blow jobs, the one who's hit 30 like a brick wall." "Hen nights can't be that bad?" "You've never had a naked butler dip his balls in your pudding." "Ooh, pinch me!" "I've found the mother lode." "Upmarket perry and a boxful of knickers." "(Sniffs)" " Randal!" "Come on!" " They're edible." "I knew that." "Yeah, I'm a gastronome, that's why I was smelling them." ""Ooh, what a bouquet!" is what I was implying." "Next stop:" "Revenge, ladies." "Put your foot down." "Laura's out there somewhere." "Let's put some meat on the bone of this story." "Come on!" "You said that she said that you said that she said that you said that she said that you said that she had read a text message on your phone from Stephanie." "Don't Look at me!" "Look at me!" " Why didn't you eat him?" " Oscar's useful." "He's charismatic." "The lie-detector tests are in." "Plus, we did a taste test, and he is repulsive." "He gave someone salmonella." " (Drum roll)" " Well, well, well, well." "It turns out, you were lying!" " (Men gasp)" " Ohh, never!" "Never!" "You're just a boy, Tony!" " Kill him!" " Kill him!" "(Yells)" "Put something on the end of it!" "This is my show!" "My name in the title, bitches!" "My show!" "The JK Kyle Show!" "Don't look at me, Tony!" "Look at me!" "Are you not entertained?" "Yeah!" "Where are you going?" "Just for a jog." "Bit of cardio." "Eating all that human man has gone straight to my hips." "?" "Grab it hard" "(Techno music)" "God, I'm a terrible mother." "No, I am." "But it's just so hard, Stevie." "I really admire you, babe." " I found another bottle!" " Whooo!" "Yes, we get it!" "Brap brap, Dorothy." "Welcome to Oz." "Stay back, Laura." " Afraid of my trident?" " It's a glorified hoe." "Yeah, well." "Speaking of hoes... where's yours at, fanny?" " You ain't nothing without Suze." " Oh, yeah?" "What's to stop me winning the trust of your prisoners and leading a revolution to shake this society to its very foundations?" "Magic mushrooms." "They call me The Fun Guy." " How are they magic?" " Believe, ya." "See this?" "This is called Insania." "One of these, you'll be totally hamstered." "Turned mandem into Mickey Mouse." "The rainbows, the shows... that's how you keep those men under control." " They're..." " Baked." "Mashed." "Hashtag spangled." "Shit, I envy them." "But Spectrum live by the candy-man's code." "Page one of the rulebook." "Know it?" "Yes, obviously." "I'm a pimp." "A watched pot never boils." "Never get high on your own supply." "Dad, you're falling apart." "Hell, I'd keep you alive, just to have someone to rinse." "But that way, I'd be letting you off the meat hook." "I'd rather be in that rank cage with those mouth-breathing mushroom-junkies than safe, warm, well-fed and working for Spectrum." "I wouldn't." "I'm your dad." "You can't leave me alone with the fat men." "You shouldn't negatively stereotype body shapes, you lanky git." "Sha-boi!" "You just got served a plate of your own ass!" "How'd it taste?" "I want to join Spectrum." "Then you better speak to the boss." "Hello!" "Jackpot!" "I surrender." "Ohh!" "(Whistles) Liberty caps." "Took one of these in Truro, ended up crawling seven miles just to giggle at a village called Cocks." "I found this bleach in the limo." "Bleach?" "What were those women planning in there?" "Believe me, you don't want to know." "I'll combine it with acetone in these cosmetics to make chloroform." "To knock the guards unconscious." "And I'll use the rest of the bleach to fill these water pistols." "Let's blind the bastards!" "Water-pistol willies." "Those hens and their risqué sense of humour." "It's so silly." "I love it!" "We're relying on the element of surprise." "Yamato, get these chocolate handcuffs melting." "Let's hit them with a little bit of theatre." "Whoo!" "Aren't you still angry with me?" "I thought you wanted to beat me up?" "Mum says getting angry is easy." "It's a bad habit." "How do I know you won't stab me in the back to try and save your dad?" "I don't mix business with family." "We'll see." "Let the games begin." "The throne-room." "How d'you like it?" "Yeah." "Very er... very snazzy." "I'm trying to drag cannibalism into the 21 st century." " Thank you very much." " Listen..." "I get it." "You hate men." "And a pack of shaggers like me and the lads, we're heartbreakers." "You ladies want revenge." "This isn't about gender." "I'd offer you a job but you crammed your tongue down my throat, and I'm not having this office party getting lungey." "(Whooping and cheering)" "Five boxes." "Five contestants." "One game that could change a life!" "Welcome to the Dream Factory!" "(Whooping and cheering)" "(Birdlike screech)" "Hello!" "(Randal hisses, guard screams)" "Well, that was... elaborate." "Gentlemen, show me your boxes." "(Whooping and cheering)" "Now, Ash, tell me, are you nervous?" "Do you have a strategy, a tactical game plan?" "Tactics?" "It's blind luck." "I think me and Number 3 formed a real bond when I force-fed him the guys from his life-drawing class." "You have selected Box Number 3." "Oh, my days!" "What a roller coaster ride!" "Number 3, you're back to the cage." "Hush now, the phone is ringing." "Ring-a-ding-ding." "Ring-a-ding-ding." " Wassup, bruv?" " The phone isn't even plugged in." "(Laughs) Yeah." "He is a dick." "Mm, yeah." "Mm." "All right." "Bye." "Can we get this bullshit over with, so I can get back to my sty?" "You know the prize, what you win, right?" "If you get the golden ticket, we unlock your chains and set you free." "OSCAR:" "Yeah." " Ooh!" "Hello, Tracy." "(Muffled cry)" "Good night, sweetheart." "Now for the main room." "We gotta take them out armed only with some bows and arrows, a French maid's cossie and a pair of nipple tassels." " How do we do that?" " Never fear, Susan." "One of us - mentioning no names - can grab their attention - voilà." "Ripped by mstoll"