"(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)" "(GRUNTS)" "These sunbeds are never-ending." "You really shouldn't be doing this at your age." "Is there no one to help you, Dad?" "Not really, with all these cutbacks, we seem to be permanently short-staffed." "I know what you mean." "I'm the only one putting out these leaflets for Blow and Go." "Kenneth's been no help at all." "I know you're busy but what about a helping hand?" "Aw, thanks, Dad!" "That's very kind of ya." "I'll see you later." "No, I meant... (WIND BLOWS)" "Oh, bloody hell!" "(COME FLY WITH ME PLAYING)" "For crying out loud!" "(GROANS)" "(COUGHS)" "(GRUNTS)" "Oh, my God." "I ain't never drinking again." "(GROANS)" "(SIGHS)" "Zach?" "Zach, are you in the bog?" "What..." "Argh." "What's "tawt" mean?" "And this one's Terra Mitica." "It's like theme park." "You like exciting rides?" "Not really." "Excuse me." "I've got an emergency." "Okay." "Then maybe this one for you." "Aqualandia." "It's a water park." "You like to get wet?" "No." "And my friend's allergic to water." "How can this be?" "Is there anybody else here?" "I've been robbed!" "Can you please have some manners?" "For this one, I can arrange discount for the very prettiest girls." "Give me your number and I'll call you." "Why don't you go?" "Since they do a discount for pensioners as well." "What..." "Mate, please, can you help me?" "What is that written on your head?" "I don't know." "I woke up like this." "Can I use your phone to call the UK?" "Are you crazy?" "I am on pay when you go." "Oh, not your mobile." "I mean the hotel one." "I've been robbed." "Everything's been taken." "My phone, my wallet, all my money, my credit cards." "Is there any way I could use your phone, please?" "What's going on here?" "Mateo, apparently the pool is covered in leaflets." "Could you sort it, please?" "Joyce Temple Savage, Solana manageress." "Can I help you?" "MATEO:" "He wants to use the phone." "I did not realise we are now labelling all the guests individually." "It's a good idea." "Mateo, the pool." "I, I need to use your phone." "Please?" "(MOBILE PHONE BEEPS)" "(SNIFFS)" "We've overslept!" "There's only 15 minutes of breakfast left." "I'm going to have a shower later." "Do you want me to save you a sausage bap?" "GLYNN:" "Oh, no." "I'll be down in a minute." "I just..." "I just need to rinse my contacts." "Glynn, I'm over here." " Oh, right." "I'll see you in a bit." "(DOOR SHUTS)" "(MOBILE RINGS)" "Come on, come on." "(MOBILE RINGS)" "Clive's phone." "Who's that?" "Is that Auntie Terri?" "What have I told you about calling me "auntie"?" "You are my auntie." "I don't look old enough to be your auntie." "No, you look old enough to me my gran." "Where's my dad?" " Your father's gone to the offy for me." "I'm still bad on me legs." "But what's he doing at your house?" "He hates you." "I forgot me mobile." "It just rang." "I think it's Tiger." "Tiger?" " Dad!" "Can you send me some money?" "What's going on?" "I lost my wallet, all my cards, everything." "I just need a couple hundred euros." "Can't your mate lend you some?" "He's gone." "He's the one who took my wallet." "What's happened?" "What's he saying?" " Shut up." "Dad?" " I'll come out to ya." "What?" "No!" "I mean..." "I don't want you and me mum being dragged out here." "I just need some money." "I never said your mum, I said me." "They've had a row." " Shut up!" "She's chucked him out." " Go in the other room!" "No, I won't." "This is my house." "She found a pair of knickers in the glove compartment of the Land Rover and they weren't your dad's." "That's absolute drivel and you know it, Terri." "Well, she didn't throw you out for nothing." "I'm trying to talk to my son!" "What did she just say?" "What's going on?" "I'll get the next flight out there." "I should be with you by tonight." "If I can't get a flight today, I'll ring ya." "Dad, why are you at Terri's?" "What's going on?" "I'll explain later." "What am I gonna do for money until you get here?" "Two words, son." "All inclusive." "I'll speak to you later." "You really don't let the truth get in the way of a good story, do ya?" "Did you get my vodka?" " Get it yourself." "Where you going?" " Luton Airport." "Bastard!" "Three hours." "Three hours on the coach to get from Alicante to Benidorm." "Here we go again." "I'm sure they dropped that last couple off in Bridlington before we got here." "JANICE:" "Oof, don't exaggerate, Mother!" "Why did they drop us off last?" "The coach went past here about three times." "I'll tell you why." "'Cause Jonah Lomu here was elbowing people in the gob trying to get on the coach first." "Should be first in, first out." "How many times did I tell ya?" "If your bags go on the coach first, they're the last ones to come out." "It's blatant racism." " How's it racism?" "Everyone on the coach was British!" " The driver wasn't." "Oh, for God's sake!" "Mrs Harvey!" "Welcome back to paradise." "Is everything all right?" "Your coach should have been here first thing." "Don't set her off again." " Can I have your passports, please?" "Oh, now." "Been a fax for you, Mrs H." "A fax?" " Aye, some solicitors or something." "I didn't read it, of course, but, uh, it did sound important." "Especially the bit at the end where they say they've been trying to track you down for the last three years." "Three years?" "JANICE:" "What's this all about, Mum?" "Nothing, it's nothing." " Oh, Christ!" "What's she done now?" "I've not done anything." "Just mind your own business." "Can you hurry up with these rooms?" "Nana, if something's up, you should tell us." "Can you just leave me alone?" "Oh, I'll go." " I'll come with you." "MICK:" "Oh, no, don't worry about me." "I'm fine to sort everything out here." "Heh-heh-heh-heh." ""Dear Mrs Harvey, we are contacting you as the only surviving relative" ""of Mr Melvyn Churchill Harvey blah, blah, blah..." ""This case has been on for several years now," ""blah, blah, blah, blah, blah..."" "Here we go." ""There had been considerable expense in researching this case," ""but we're willing to come to an arrangement" ""by payment of a percentage of any monies recovered."" "It's just a scam letter." "What did you get so upset about?" "Because it's just not nice." "People using your dead husband's name to try and get money out of you." "No, it's not." "And fancy sending it here." "Let's have a look." " That's what's upset me." "I've had two letters at home, but I've just ignored them." "Well, getting something here, it's like they're following me." "It says you are the only surviving relative to the Collins family of Tucsan, Arizona, USA." "Well, that's just rubbish." "How can I be related to anyone American?" "There's no fat people with big guns in our family." ""Please contact me as a matter of great urgency." ""I'm available on my personal cell phone." ""24/7." ""Yours sincerely, Mr Buck A. Roo." ""Probate Attorney, Los Angeles, California."" "Let's have a look." ""Buck A. Roo." Are they taking the piss?" "What are his kids called?" "Twister and KerPlunk?" "It's all right for you to laugh, it's not you they're following." "JANICE:" "Mam, it's just a scam." "And not a very convincing one by the sound of it." "Just ignore it and it'll go away." "Yeah." "Yeah, you're right." ""24/7." (CHUCKLES)" "It's not even long enough for a mobile phone number." "Yeah, I think that means you can ring him at any time." "Well, it still upset me." "Well, I've got a way of resolving all this." "There you go." "All sorted." "Now, if anyone wants me, I'll be in my office." "Lesley, is Blow  Go opened yet?" "You've got to be joking, man, it's nowhere near midday." "I've been calling Kenneth all morning." "What are you looking for?" "Just a trim?" "Why don't you just give our Liam a call?" "No, no." "I need to speak to Kenneth." "It is more..." "How do you say... personal." "Oh, you're not to have one of them vajazzles, are you?" "What?" "Oh, no, it can't be that for men." "Eh, a peejazzle?" "I have no idea whatsoever what you are talking about." "Lesley." "Why are you behind this desk?" "It's where I work. (CHUCKLES) Well, some of the time." "I fired off a global this morning." "It'll be that prawn curry from last night." "I was fine but then I had the toad-in-the-hole." "I fired off a global email instructing all staff of the time of their appraisals." "Oh." "Sorry." "You are 10 minutes late." "My office, now." "Oi, Casanova." "You're on in 15 minutes." "On what in 15 minutes?" "Hola." "Kenneth." "Kenneth." "I need to speak to you." "Wait here." "Kenneth, I need your help." " Right, hang on." "I'm in a little bit of a hurry..." " Shh!" "Right, let's have a look." " I have something that..." "Shh!" "No." "Don't interrupt while my muse is upon me." "I see an '80s wedge..." " But..." "No, wait, number four crop, hint of a centre parting, bit like a soot-covered bog brush." "Otherwise known as a "Simon Cowell"." "Kenneth, I don't need a..." " No, I know, a Mohican." "You've got a whiff of Daniel Day-Lewis about you already." "Mind you, not so much Last of the Mohicans, more My Left Foot." "Kenneth, will you please listen to me?" "I have a big problem." "(DOOR OPENS)" " Right." "That's Edith done up the campsite." "We've gone mobile." " Turn round, show him." ""Blow and Go Mobile." "We bring the mountain to Mohammed." ""All religions catered for."" "Kenneth, I need to speak with you." "Actually, I wanted to talk to you about this." "Don't you think it's a bit racist?" "Racist?" "Are you joking?" "It's the opposite." "It means we do everybody." "Have you never seen me with a pair of pinking shears and an Afro?" "How about, "Blow and Go Mobile." "You do the dialling, we do the styling."" "No, no, that's too boring." "I did have one other." ""Blow and Go Mobile." ""Don't leave the house, we'll blow you right there."" "That's disgusting!" " No, it's not." "It's eye-catching." "Kenneth!" " What do you want?" "MAN OUTSIDE:" "Hello." "We're still waiting." "Now I have to go." " Go on then, we're not stopping ya." "MAN OUTSIDE:" "Is anybody there?" "Argh!" "Honestly." ""Dial-a-Do."" " No." ""Cut to the Chase."" " Shut up." "JOYCE:" "So you see, Lesley, with recent year-end cutbacks and the ongoing financial crisis in Spain," "Solana CEO Crystal Hennessey-Vass breathing down my neck like a bull mastiff with halitosis, my hands are tied." "I still don't understand." "You want me to help you with the staff cutbacks?" "That's exactly right." "Well, I mean, apart from your core team, which you'll obviously want to keep," "I can only think of Jesus in Maintenance." "Or that girl in the kitchen with the dry skin and the onion chaser." "Onion chaser?" "Yeah, she's got no gnashers, apart from a single tooth at the front of her mouth." "I think her name's Juanita." "One-eater!" "Heh-heh-heh." "Sorry." "The staff cutbacks to which I refer include you." "Oh, for a moment I thought..." "What?" " I know what you're going to say." "Witch hunt." " What about Juanita?" "She looks much more like a witch than me." "No, I mean, you are one of several members of staff whom we sadly have to let go." "I don't know what to say." "I love it here." "It's not just a job." "It's me life." "But, when one door closes, another swings gently ajar." "We do have another positon available." "It's less money, but..." "Less money?" "How can it be less?" "I'm trying to help you here, Lesley!" "I know you are." "As long as it's not cleaning." "I cannae stand the thought of me being on me hands and knees all day." "Not at my age." "(SIGHS)" "MATEO:" "Lesley." "There you are." "You will not believe what just happened to me." "Why you dressed like a cleaner?" "Because I am a bloody cleaner." "Temple Savage sacked me and then reinstated me as a cleaner." "She sacked me, too." "Then offered me a job as a junior barman." "Junior!" "I am forty-f..." "Almost 40." "How can they make me a junior?" "That woman has got more front than Blackpool." "What does this mean?" " I just mean she's got some brass neck to think that she can get away with this whole setup being a sham." "Sham?" "Basically, she's now saving hundreds of euros a week." "And I'll be a monkey's uncle if it's not going straight into her coffers." "Wait a minute." "I don't understand." "She's a crook." "A swindler." "A snake in the grass." "We've all been hoodwinked." "And people say they have a problem to understand me." "(SPEAKING SPANISH)" "I'm sorry for you to wait." "I have been demolished to junior barman." "So it's very difficult for me." "You are okay?" " Yeah, I'm fine." "Beer?" " No, I'm good." "We do a very good breakfast lager." "I'll have an orange juice." " Okay, no problem." "Is your phone ever switched on?" " Hey, Mikey!" "Is everything all right?" " Not really." "I Facebooked you from the airport." "Sent you a couple of texts and I tried ringing you as well." "Drink for you?" " Coke, please." "Where's your mate?" "Zach?" "He's gone." "Left last night." "What?" "Gone home?" " I don't know." "He took my money, credit cards, everything." "What sort of a mate's that?" "I only met him a week before we came to Benidorm." "I don't know where he lives." "I even lent him the money to pay for his holiday." "Oh, my God, nightmare." "I know." "I know." "Come and sit with us." " Cheers, I might do later." "I just got to sort some stuff out before me dad gets here." "Your dad's coming?" "It's a long story." "Listen, I'll see you later." "Tiger, you do know you've got "twat" written on your forehead, don't ya?" "Twat?" "You're joking!" "I looked in the mirror and I thought it said "tawt"." "Why would it say tawt?" "I've no idea." "I don't know." "I'll see you later." "KENNETH:" "She shouldn't get away with this." "It's outrageous." "LES:" "It is." "It's illegal." " Probably." "And that tabard's doing nothing for your schoolgirl figure." "Exactly." "I mean, I could customise it, but it's not the point." "What about a demonstration?" "Well, I thought I'd pinch the waist in a bit like that and then maybe pull the neckline down a bit further." "I didn't mean the tabard, I meant positive action." "Picket lines." "Posters." "Local news coverage." "Oh, we've tried all that before." "What we need is ammunition." "We can't shoot her." "No, we can't." "We haven't got a gun." "I mean a different sort of ammunition." "Evidence." "Well, where we gonna get that?" "Ah, I think that's where I come in." "Heh-heh." "Hiya." "Didn't know you were here." "Oh, hola!" "Oh, yeah, we arrived last night." "I hope you don't need the loo." "It's closed down here and the lifts are out of order." "Oh, I know." "Six flights of stairs I had to walk down." "I'm not used to working so hard for me sausage in the morning." "Sorry it took me so long." "You know the lift's not working?" "Yeah, we were just saying." "It's Janice, isn't it?" " Yeah." "This is Glynn." "Hello." " Hello." "Glynn's from Wales." " Oh, lovely!" "It's his first time in Benidorm." "Are you enjoying it?" "Well, it's early days yet." "Glynn's wife, Riannon, is on holiday in France with my husband, Donald." "I see." "Right." "Well, good luck with that." "See you later." " See ya." "Jacqueline, I was wondering if we would go somewhere quiet for a coffee." "Well, there's Rag Time's." "But it seems such a shame to go inside when the sun's shining." "I mean somewhere away from the hotel." "Oh, but it's all-inclusive here." " That's okay, I'll pay." "Oh, right!" "Lovely!" "Let me just have a quick wee." "(WATER SPLASHES)" "Whoo-hoo-hoo." "That's fresh!" "Won't be a minute." "Mmm." "JANICE:" "You all right?" " Not really." "Tiger's just been robbed." "I'm not surprised." "The lad's a menace to society." "No, he's not." "Last year, when you hung about with him, you ended up drunk with a tattoo." "It'll only be a matter of hours before you've got a bone through your nose." "What does that even mean?" " It means he's an animal." "Poor lad." "Who's robbed him?" " Someone he came on holiday with." "Exactly." "You lay down with dogs, you pick up fleas." "Oh, give it up, will ya?" "Right, young man, two beers for me and your mam and a saucer of milk for your nana." "Brandy." " I've just sat down." "Yeah, well, now you're just getting up." "Come on, stretch your arms around." "Move it." "I'm supposed to be on holiday as well, you know." "Good day, Joyce Temple Savage, Solana manageress." "Is one of you Mrs Harvey?" " Who wants to know?" "She's just told you, Joyce Temple Savage." "JOYCE:" "I'll take that as a yes." "Um, a Mr Roo has left a message for you." "Apparently, he's lost his wallet at the airport and he's asking you if you can leave 100 euros in an envelope for him at reception." "100 euros?" "That's right." "Most people here didn't pay that for their holiday." "Yes, anyway..." "To whom it may concern." "Airport?" "Well, what's he doing, coming here?" "Oh, my God!" "I told you they were following me." "Well, there you go." "It all makes sense now." "What do you mean, it all makes sense?" "Come on." "You don't have to be Cagney and Lacey to crack this one." "It's someone who works here." " I don't understand." "MICK:" "You don't have to." "'Cause I am gonna put an envelope at reception and me and lazy-arse here are gonna wait and see who picks it up." "What, like a stake-out?" "After you get the drinks in." "Do you not think we should call the police?" "What for?" "No crime's been committed yet." "Until whoever we grab gets his head smacked in." "What?" "By you?" "You couldn't smack your lips." "I'm off to get some cigs." "You're welcome!" "MADGE:" "Get out the way!" "GLYNN:" "Four sugars." "JACQUELINE:" "Lovely!" "Well, this is a treat." "Jacqueline, I'm afraid I've had a change of heart." "Oh, you want me to pay for the coffees?" "Oh, no, no, no, no." "I mean, about the um, wife swap." "Oh, right." "I don't suppose that's such a huge surprise." "Well, when you got up to the room last night, barricaded your door with the wardrobe and shouted, "Come anywhere near me and I'll call the police,"" "I did have me suspicions." "I'm sorry." "Those two lager shandies hit me hard." "See, it's not that you're unattractive, that's got nothing to do with it." "It's just that, well," "Riannon and I had been going through a bit of a bad patch, and being very open-minded people, as you know, we're both naturists, we just thought..." "So you're not swingers?" "No, not at all." "Oh, dear." "And that's not all." "I got a message from Riannon this morning." ""Having a fabulous time." "Donald is amazing." ""See you in a few days, Riray."" "Well, just ring her and say you don't feel the same." "No, don't you see?" "This is what she wants." "She doesn't want me." "She'd rather have some huge, overweight, red-faced buffoon bearing down on her." "None taken." "(VOICE BREAKING) What have I done?" "What have I done to her?" "(WHIMPERING)" "What have I done?" "What have I done?" "KENNETH:" "Now remember, Betty, don't stand up till I turn this off and remove the hood." "When your hair caught fire last time, it was a waste of a perfectly good pint of lager." "You all right, love?" "Kenneth?" "I need to speak to you." "Glad that you've turned up." "I've just send Liam off to find Lesley." "Apparently, she's dug up some dirt on Temple Savage." "Oh, but I need to speak to you in private." "What do you mean, in private?" "We're all in the same boat." "No, you don't understand." "I have a prob... (DOOR OPENS)" "Shall we go somewhere a bit more private?" "Oh, don't worry about Betty." "She can't hear a thing under that dryer." "What about Temple Savage?" "She's just across the hall." "Ooh." "I know." "MAN OUTSIDE:" "Hello." "Shop!" "I think you might be needed." " Argh!" "MAN OUTSIDE:" "Is there anybody about?" "Yes?" "Hello, yeah." "Can you tell me what room my son Tiger Dyke is in?" "Tiger what?" " Tiger." "Tiger Dyke." "Do you not remember us from last year?" " No." "Ah, yes." "Now I remember you." "Your eyes, they look much more piggy without your, er... (CLICKS TONGUE)" "I forgot how to say gafas." "Okay, let me check." " Did you just say, "piggy"?" "What is your son's name?" " Tiger Dyke!" "Okay, okay, don't shout." "And I booked a room online as well." "And your surname?" " Dyke!" "You are Tiger Dyke?" "I thought that was your son's name." " My son is Tiger Dyke," "I am Clive Dyke." "Good afternoon, Joyce Temple Savage, Solana manageress." "How can I..." "Oh, it's you." "That's just the sort of welcome I expected from this place." "Well, you came back." "Your all-inclusive wristband and your room key." "JOYCE:" "Thank you, Mateo." "I'll deal with this now." "I have just dealed with it." " Pool bar." "I am serving the Dyke." " Pool bar!" "Welcome back to the Solana, Mr, um, Dyke." "I trust you'll have another enjoyable stay with us." "I only came here to look after my boy." "He got robbed while he was here." "Probably something to do with the company he keeps." "Yeah, or the crappy hotel he's staying in." "No pleasing some people." "Hello, Kenneth?" "Hello, can you hear me?" "Oh, typical!" "LIAM:" "I think she's gone." "Sorry about that, Betty, love." "I'll turn you back on now." "Right, as I was saying." "Not only has she reduced all staff wages," "I found an internal memo from Joyce to Hennessey-Vass." "Says she's going to start sacking people, too." "It's outrageous." "I'm not surprised." "That woman's pure evil." "How have you had access to internal emails?" "Well, sometimes being the lowly cleaner has its perks." "Heh-heh-heh-heh." "So, come on, you haven't mentioned a word about me mum yet." "I texted her but she said, "Everything fine."" "Yeah, well, she would." "It's all a case of what the neighbours might think." "I'm not her neighbour." "I'm her son." "Tiger, your mother and I have been going through a bit of a rough patch." "For how long?" " About 23 years." "You've only been married for 22." "Yeah, well, no one can say I wasn't warned." "You're splitting up, then?" " No, we're not splitting up!" "We ain't staying together." "But we're not splitting up." "What is that supposed to mean?" "Well, all I can say is that this little break for us, me being here, will probably do us the world of good." "I don't want you to split up." "But I want you both to be happy." "Happy?" "Happy, yeah, oh, I remember that." "Meanwhile, I've got a great idea for tonight." "Oh, yeah, what's that?" "We both get absolutely hammered." "You know something, son." "You're not as stupid as you look." "Like father, like son." "(CHUCKLES HOARSELY)" "Hey, give 'em back." "I can't see nuffink without 'em." "Oi." "Oi, come back." "Tiger!" "Tiger, come back here!" "Do you want one more for the roads?" "What?" "Another shandy?" "Oh, how many have I had?" "I've lost count." "Two." "Ooh, I'd better not." "My head's spinning as it is." "Oh, you're there!" "I've been looking everywhere for you." "Oh, I'm sorry." "I've been licking my wounds." "Have you spoken to your wife?" "No, but we've been texting each other." "I tried to suggest that maybe we'd made a mistake." "But she was too busy telling me what a great time she was having." "She also told me your Donald had organised the wife swap for your anniversary." "JACQUELINE:" "Well, he's a very romantic man." "Yes, but for your 25th wedding anniversary." "I'm sorry, I, I just don't understand." "Donald and I love each other dearly." "But we also love trying new things." "I'm sorry, are you waiting to close?" " No, no, it's fine." "Where was I?" "You and your husband love trying new things." "Thank you." "We love trying new things." "And what makes it all even better, is we know we'll always have each other." "Yes, but, where's the romance?" "What can I say?" "Some days are romantic and some days we're going at it like hammer and tongs with complete strangers." "Variety is the spice of life." "Do you want me to call your wife for you?" "No, no, no, no." "Let's just leave it for now." "Right." "Have a little siesta and then we'll have some tea in Neptune's." "And work out what to do next." "Oh, they do a smashing toad-in-the-hole here." "Only in Benidorm." "Dad, we've been here ages." "He's not coming, is he?" "Slowly, slowly, catchy monkey." "What does that mean?" "It means shut up moaning and go and get me a beer." "(SIGHS)" "Hey up, here we go." "Here we go." "What are you doing?" " I'm going undercover." "Why are you hiding your face?" "He doesn't know what you look like anyway." "Shut up!" "Shut up!" "Here we go." "MAN:" "Hola." "LES:" "Hola." "(SPEAKING SPANISH)" "Oh, no, no, no, no." "This is the Solana." "The hotel..." "MAN:" "No, no, which way?" "Up there, turn left." "About 200 yards on the right-hand side." "All right, thank you." " Adiós, amigo." "Bollocks!" "Thought we had our man then." "I'm bored, I'm off to find Tiger." " No, you're not." "You got no idea how important your role in all this is." "Oh, yeah." "What is my role?" "Head of refreshments." "Off you pop." "If you're a good lad, you can have a shandy." "JANICE:" "Don't know what I'd do if I came into a lot of money." "Well, you can do something with your hair for a start." "What's that mean?" "You've always had split ends." "And dry skin." "It's not your fault." "It runs in the family." "Thanks." "My mother was practically bald." "Nana Vera?" "No, she wasn't." " Bald, with a big, dry square head." "She looked like a Greggs Steak Bake." "Woman down our street won 100,000 last year." "£100,000." "I wouldn't know what to do with it." "You don't know what to do with it?" "Give it to me." "I'd give you 10,000." "20,000 to our Michael for a deposit on a house." "I'd give our Chantelle..." " 10,000?" "Eh?" " You'd only give me 10,000?" "Hey, 10,000 is a lot of money." "I've sacrificed my whole life for you, wrecked my bodily functions to bring you into this world, and you'd keep 90,000 for yourself?" "No, I just said I'd give our Michael 20,000..." "Oh, I see, so he gets twice as much as me?" "Hang on, I haven't finished..." "Oh, no, frig the lot of you, if that's how you're gonna treat me." "It's hypothetic." " It is pathetic." "10,000 quid for the gift of life!" "For God's sake!" "I'm gonna get another cup of tea." "Do you want one?" "No." "You'll probably keep 90% of that for yourself as well." "(SOFTLY) Hang on, here we go." "We're on." "Go on." "Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!" "Yah!" "MATEO:" "Hey, hey!" "(WOMAN SCREAMS)" "Get the envelope!" "Get it!" "I've got it." " What are you doing?" "(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)" " Dad... (MAN GRUNTS)" " Stop struggling, you're going nowhere!" "This old toro thinks it's clever to con..." "Dad!" " Hang on a minute, son." "...to con pensioners out of..." "Dad!" " What?" "This isn't our envelope." "MAN:" "Que pasa?" "MATEO:" "This is Mario." "He has just collected a list for the bullfight trip tomorrow." "What?" " He's a holiday rep." "(PANTING)" "Oh, right." "Get up." " Sorry, about that, pal." "So, our envelope's still behind here, is it?" "What is your envelope?" " Ah, never mind." "Come on, better go and check on your nana." "What about our 100 euros?" "I didn't put any money in the envelope behind the desk." "I'm not a complete idiot." "(SINGING EVERLASTING LOVE)" "See, son, the thing about your mother and me is, it's all about compatibility." "But, you've been together for 20 years." "You must be compatible." "Well, that's where another word comes in." "Tolerance." "She's tolerated you for this long?" "What's different now?" "Not me!" "I've tolerated her!" "Then she chucked me out." "But you must still have feelings for her." "I do." "I do have feelings for her." "It's difficult to describe." "So I'm gonna do it in a song." "No, Dad." "Dad, please don't." "Dad!" "Dad!" "(GRUNTS)" "Not gonna leave that, are you?" "I don't seem to have much of an appetite." "(MOBILE VIBRATES)" "Oh, it's Donald." "Hiya." "Aw, happy anniversary to you, too." "Glynn?" "Uh, well..." "No, he's fine." "Okay, love." "Yeah, you get off." "This must be costing a fortune." "Night-night." "Love you." "Happy anniversary!" "I'm sorry." "I just can't get my head around this whole situation." "And I've nobody to blame but myself." "Thank you very much." "Enjoy the rest of your evening!" "Good night." "Thank you there, to Mick and Janice Gravy." "Now, a round of applause for Clive." "I'd like to dedicate this song to my wife of 20 years." "And I mean every, every single word." "♪ Ohh" "♪ No, no, no" "♪ See, I don't know why" "♪ I liked you so much" "♪ I gave you all of my trust" "♪ I told you I loved you" "♪ Now that is all down the drain, you put me through pain" "♪ I want to let you know how I feel" "♪ Fuck what I said, it don't mean shit now" "♪ Fuck the presents, you might as well throw 'em out" "♪ Fuck all the kisses, they don't mean jack" "♪ Fuck you, you ho, I don't want you back!" "Dad, Dad, what are you doing?" " # You thought you" "Just sit down!" "Sit down!" " # You could" " Oh, for God's sake!" "♪ Keep this shit from me, yeah" "♪ You bad bitch, I heard the story" "♪ You played me, you even gave... (SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)" " Give it back!" "Give it, give it, give it!" " # You're just another... #" "Hey!" "Give me the..." " Give it to me!" "(PANTING) Oh, Clive there with a very personal message to his wife." "(COUGHS)" "Apologies to any children listening." "We do have some unscheduled entertainment later on." "But while we wait for that, play some music, Darren." "(CONGRATULATIONS PLAYING)" "(BELCHING)" "What kind of a song was that for a man to sing for his wife?" "Well, I've always said, honesty is the best policy." "Yes, but where's all the romance in the world?" "That's what I'd like to know." "I mean, here you're sitting with a complete stranger on your 25th wedding anniversary!" "The world's gone mad." "Oh, I don't know." "People don't have to live in each other's pockets." "Sometimes, absence makes the heart grow fonder." "Er, a word, please, Mrs Temple Savage?" "Yes, can I help?" "Er, well, there's no nice way of putting this but, er, you've been caught with your pants down." "What a charming turn of phrase." "Could you elaborate?" "Well, with the situation with demoting most of the staff." "What about it?" " We have received intelligence..." "It's been a long time coming, but I can only see that as a good thing." "No, hang on, let me finish." "We have received intelligence regarding your not-so-little wages fiddle." "Fiddle?" "I'm sorry." "What are you talking about?" " KENNETH:" "It's disgusting!" "As soon as all this comes out, your head will be on a pole." "When all what comes out?" "I did not want to believe it, Mrs Temple Savage, but it seems the evidence against you is incongestible." "None of you are making any sense, which I realise is hardly headline news, but I would like to know what I'm being accused of." "We know that the cuts you've made to our pay packets are going in your pocket." "I'm sorry, we've made a decision." "We're not calling the police, but I will be calling Hennessey-Vass first thing in the morning." "I wouldn't do that if I were you, because she thinks you've been sacked." "Oh, we all know that as well..." "Been sacked?" "I had instructions from Crystal Hennessey-Vass to make cutbacks, namely, to let two of the highest earning members of staff go." "But I couldn't do it." "So, I made small cuts to wages across the board instead, including my own." "I know it's going to be a tough few months, but I'll slowly increase your money with the odd bonus and small pay rises." "That's the best I can do." "Oops." "Right." "I'd better go and introduce this group." "Hmm." "Well done, Jessica Fletcher, another case solved." "Now, in a slight change to our advertised evening of karaoke, may I present to you, Benidorm's own tribute to The Stylistics!" "(CHEERING)" "Happy anniversary, Jacqueline." "From your devoted husband, Donald." "From Donald, for you." "That's nice." " Yes!" "(SINGING I'M STONE IN LOVE WITH YOU)" "MATEO:" "There she is." "Go and talk to her." "Mrs Temple Savage." "I just want to apologise about the er, slight confusion we've just had." "Don't worry about it, Lesley." "These are desperate times we're living in." "I totally understand." "I never believed in the vicious rumours anyway." "What, even though you started them?" "(THUMP) Ow!" "Although, the next time you think you've caught me with my pants down, let's talk, rather than you trying to pull them up for me." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "I need a drink." " Come on, I'll help you." "Kenneth." "You know, I've been trying to talk to you all day." "Have you?" " Yes!" "I need to ask you to do something for me." "Well, go on, then." " No, it is... personal." "Oh, yeah?" " I don't want anyone else to hear." "Well, then whisper it." "Oh, my God!" "Please, Kenneth." "It is a secret." "Well, we've all got them, love." "Lola, a woman in the old town, she used to do it for me." "(SPLUTTERS) I bet she did." "Please, Kenneth, you will do it for me?" "(SIGHS)" "Meet me in the salon." "I'll be there in two minutes." "Slippery Nipple?" " Yeah, two." "(BURPS)" "Everything's gonna be all right, son." "Have you spoke to me mum?" "Not since we had the row, no." "Maybe you just need a bit of time apart." "Yeah, maybe that's all we need." "Bit of time apart." "The next 20 years should just about do it." "Okay, Neptune's." "Let's get you on your feet." "You all know this next one." "(LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING)" "(SINGING CAN'T GIVE YOU ANYTHING BUTMYLOVE)" "I am just going to have a drink with Tiger." "Oh, that's it." "Next time we see him, he'll be drugged up to the eyeballs floating face-down in the pool." "Right, no alcohol and stay where we can see you." "Yeah, all right." "Come on, are we having a dance?" " Oh, yeah." "Oh, that's it, leave me here on me own." "Come and have a dance." " Oh, no, I don't want to be a burden." "Well, go on, just leave me here." "You'd think I'd be used to your selfishness by now." "What?" "My mother got annoyed this afternoon because I wouldn't share me winnings with her." "What winnings?" " It's a long story." "Hey, it's a shame Buck A. Roo didn't turn up." "You could have shared your winnings with us." "Ha-ha-ha." "(DOOR OPENS)" "(DOOR SHUTS)" "Well, fancy seeing you here." "Please, Kenneth, don't make fun of me." "Don't worry, Mateo." "We all have needs." "So, the woman who usually does you, when did she leave town?" "Uh, three weeks ago." "I can sort out getting touched up myself, but it gets to a point where I need the full head." "Well, lie back and think of España." "(CHAIR CREAKS)" "I think we should go for Midnight Dream." "I think dyeing your hair double jet black might make people think you're sponsored by Magic Marker." "So, going anywhere nice for your holidays?" "MAN:" "Mrs Madge Harvey?" "Yeah." "Yeah, I'm Madge." "My name is Buck." "Buck A. Roo." "You're a very difficult lady to get a hold of." "I can't quite believe I've finally found you." "(INAUDIBLE)" "Ripped By mstoll"