"Leonard, what time does your mom get in?" " I don't know." "Tomorrow morning?" " Don't you want to know for sure?" "As soon as she flies into California airspace I'll feel a disturbance in the Force." "It's so nice both of your moms are coming in to see you guys get an award." "Well, my mother's been there for every honor I've won since I beat out my twin sister for the "Did It On The Potty" trophy." " How does this look?" " Aw, it's so nice." "She's gonna love it." "Sure, his mom gets roses." "When I want them they're a "bouquet of severed plant genitals."" "You act like I didn't get you that mushroom log on Valentine's Day." "He's right, roses die, but a moist, rotting log will pump out mushrooms for two or three magical years." "Your mom's never been thrilled with our relationship." "Maybe I should get her something so she warms up to me." "If you could run out and get a PhD, that might make her like you." "Really?" "It didn't work for you." "Mm-hm." " Think the moms will get along?" " They're pretty different." "Maybe they'll be best friends." "One of them is brilliant." "One is sweet and simple." "Sound familiar?" "Shelly, I'm so proud of you and Leonard for getting this award." " Thank you, Mother." " I tried to read your paper but it was very hard for me to understand." "It's quite straight-forward, actually." "It describes a new model of the universe that conceptualizes it as the surface of an n-dimensional superfluid." "Interesting." "You can believe that but God filling an Ark with animals two-by-two is nonsense." "What did they feed the lions, Mother?" "The floating bodies of drowned sinners, of course." "Listen, Leonard's mom is a renowned psychiatrist and woman of science." "Can you please keep the Bible babble to yourself while she's here?" " Are you ashamed of me?" " Of course not, I love you." "I'm just embarrassed by the things you believe, do and say." "Well, I love you too." "My little bowl of lion chow." "So have you and Penny set a wedding date?" "No, we're kind of taking it slow." "I see." "What does that mean?" "You've been on and off with this woman for seven years and engaged for one year." "One has to wonder if there's a problem." "Are you having satisfactory intercourse?" "Yes, Mother." "Only satisfactory, I see." "I change my answer." "It's amazing, it's hot." "We can barely keep our hands off each other." "Seems odd to try and impress your mother with your sexual prowess." "But then you always did have that unresolved Oedipal complex." "See, this right here, what you're doing can you please not do that around Sheldon's mom?" "Why, are you attracted to her too?" "Of course not." "She's just a very sweet and God-fearing lady and you have to be respectful of her beliefs." "Leonard, I'm an adult, I know how to conduct myself around people from different walks of life." " Thank you." " Where is she from again?" " East Texas." " Ugh." "Hey, look who's here." "Dr. Hofstadter, it's so good to see you again." "Likewise." "I read your paper, it was very impressive." " Thank you." " We just spent two hours in traffic." "Did you think to mention to me that you liked our paper?" "Of course I did." "But it's a mother's job to make sure her child's self-esteem is not dependent on anyone's approval." "That's so sweet, you think I have self-esteem." "Dr. Hofstadter, I want you to meet my mother, Mary." " So nice to meet you." " Nice to meet you too." " How was your flight?" " Very pleasant." "And yours?" "Lovely." "Almost as if someone..." "Not saying who." "...was watching over the plane." "You're kidding, right?" "Subtle, Mom." "Real subtle." " Stuart..." " Morning." "We talked about this." "I don't mind you living here, but we gotta have rules." "And rule number one is pants." "Hey." "You must be very proud of your son." "Oh, yes." "He recently argued a case before the Supreme Court." "He did?" "Oh, you mean this son." "Sure, he's terrific." "Beverly, would you like to see the math I worked out to support our hypothesis?" "You mean my hypothesis." "I hypothesized it all by myself." "Calm down, dear." "Mary, I'm curious, when did you first realize that your son had such a remarkable mind?" "Oh, good question." "Everyone loves stories about Sheldon Cooper, boy genius." "Well, I have to say when he was 13 and tried to build a nuclear reactor in the tool shed." "Oh, this is a good one." "First thing you have to know about Shelly is, since he was little he was always concerned with the well-being of others." "And he didn't think that it was fair for people to pay for electricity so he was gonna power the entire town for free." "Tell her about the uranium!" "Oh, well." "Oh, this is adorable." "When he arranged to get some yellow cake from Chad I thought he was talking about Twinkies from one of his friends." "But I wasn't because I didn't have any friends." "It turns out that this little scallywag was trying to use my Visa card to buy uranium from an African warlord in the country of Chad." "Sounds like Sheldon was a handful." "Oh, he was a handful." "I was a handful." "You still are." "Mom, tell Mary the story about how I made a Van de Graaff generator out of our vacuum cleaner." "All right." "He broke the vacuum cleaner." "For a while, everything was vampires now it's all zombies." "I wonder what the next monster fad will be." "We haven't had a good invisible man in a while." "Clearly you've never seen me try to talk to a woman." "Guys, in the time you've been sitting here playing video games I got the car washed, picked up supplies and went to the bank." "I put on pants." "Kiss ass." "Okay, I don't know when I became the mother to three lazy teenagers, but it stops today." "You guys are cleaning the kitchen, top to bottom." "Hey, I don't even live here." "Yes or no, do you have clothes in my laundry now?" "I do." "And some of it is wool, so dry flat if possible." "Here's a picture of me receiving my Bachelor of Science degree." "You don't look very happy." "Well, I had just begun puberty..." "It was figuratively and literally one of the hairiest moments of my life." "Shelly does not like change." "True, but all the clenching in the world will not keep testicles in your abdomen." "Hey, sorry, I got caught up at work." " Hi, Beverly." " Hello." "Oh, okay." "Sorry, I forgot." " You remember my mother." " Oh, yes." "Hi, Mary." "Good to see you again, dear." "That's what I'm talking about." "So, Mom, you haven't seen Penny since we got engaged." " Here, let me show you the ring." " Oh." "Lovely." "Must've been very expensive." "Oh, no." "Not at all." "We found a place online that repurposes diamond drill bits." "We did not, that's not true." "Can I speak to you alone for a second?" "Oh, sure." "It came from Tiffany's." " You mean the box, right?" " Keep walking." "It really doesn't matter to me how much he spent on the ring." "I think." "Did I misspeak about the ring?" "Yes, and we'll get back to that." "Even with your mother here you're deliberately hogging all the attention from my mom." "You're like those elephant seal pups that steals the milk from two mothers." "Do you mean what marine biologists refer to as super weaning?" "Yes, you are a super weaner!" "Well, now I have to correct you." "As a bit of an elephant seal buff the more accurate comparison would be when two mother seals actively seek to nourish the same pup." "So I believe the term you're looking for is a "double mother suckler."" "You're right." "That is the term I'm looking for." "You are a dirty double mother suckler." "Okay." "Now that we have the terminology straightened out how dare you?" "Not in a rush." "We'll set a date when the time's right." "It doesn't matter, sweetie." "The moment a man lays with a woman, they are married in the eyes of the Lord." "Ugh." ""Ugh"?" "The Bible is "ugh" to you?" "No, I'm sorry, that was inappropriate." "As a psychiatrist, I know how important people's superstitions can be to them." "You wanna talk about superstitions?" "Sheldon sent me the books you wrote." "All that nonsense about super-egos and ids." "What bull dropped that on the barn floor?" "His name is Sigmund Freud." "Hey, look at that." "You both believe in Jewish bearded guys." "Stay out of this." "Mm-hm." "At least the bearded man that I believe in preaches love and compassion." "All yours talks about is why you hold in your poop and wanna crawl back inside your mama." "It's fascinating." "How can someone as enlightened as Sheldon..." "I know the answer, you're not gonna like it." " Try me." " When I was pregnant with Shelly I was driving to church, and I was praying to the Lord to give me a son smarter than his dumb-ass daddy." "And I looked over and I saw a Jesus bobblehead in the Subaru next to me nodding "Yes."" "What is that supposed to mean?" "It means I can't believe we're having this conversation." "Well, do it some more." "Maybe you can knock some sense into yourself." "How about we all stop hitting ourselves and talk about something safe like shoes or how cute little Chinese babies are." "It's not my fault your mother likes me better than she likes you!" "Don't flatter yourself!" "She likes everybody better than she likes me!" "How old is this Jell-O?" "Well, it's carrots, so I'm gonna say very." "Sorry we have to do this." "Bernadette's not wrong." "She does work hard around here." "Yeah, maybe it's a good thing if she stops babying you so much." "She doesn't baby me." "I saw her pull you home in a wagon." "For your information, I twisted my ankle chasing the ice cream truck." "Face it, dude, Bernadette treats you the same way your mother used to and that was not a healthy relationship." "You're right, it's time for me to act like an adult in this marriage." "Starting with my husbandly duty of taking out the trash." "Bernie, I made a mess!" "I'm terribly sorry that I upset your mother." "It's all right, she'll forgive you." "She has to or she goes to hell." "I can't help but notice how her unconditional love for you is diametrically opposed to my own parenting strategies." "Well, you doled out affection as a reward for achievement a proven way to raise a child or train a rat." "But look how well you turned out." "I'd feign modesty at this point, but who would believe me?" "Still, you need to consider how successful Leonard's brother and sister are." "I suppose." "While my brother and sister are mouth-breathing idiots." "Do you suppose you would've flourished more in a reward-based environment?" "Perhaps." "But my mom made me spaghetti with chopped-up hot dogs whenever I wanted, so who cares?" "Not once did my mother ever give me any love or affection for just being myself." "I always had to earn it." "Oh, Leonard, I'm sure she loves you very much." "In her own cold, godless way." "Yeah, and you certainly don't have to earn my love." " Thank you." " Of course, you already knew that when you bought me this princess-cut drill bit." " That's not what it is." " I know, I know." "When your mom gets back, I need to apologize for the way I spoke to her." "Come on, she did kind of start it." "A good Christian would've turned the other cheek." "On the other hand, a good Texan would've shot her, so..." "I kind of split the difference." "Hey, who's in the mood for spaghetti and hot dogs?" " Oh, me!" " Yeah, me too!" "Coming up." "I don't really feel I deserve it." "That was a big sticky mess..." " ...but I think I got it." " Looks good." "Look at that, you cleaned it up all by yourself." "Yes, I cleaned it up all by myself." "Honestly, I don't know why you complain..." "Okay, maybe I missed one spot." "Just leave." "I'm so glad you and I were able to bury the hatchet." "Me too." "And I respect your right to your beliefs." "And I will pray for you." "Okay." "Mom, let's get you back to your hotel before anyone says anything else." "One moment, there's something I need to say to you." "Oh, really?" "That's too bad." "Leonard, I always made you earn my affection but today I realized that there's more than one way to raise a child." "I taught her that." "Therefore I would like to initiate a new protocol wherein I shower you with unconditional love." "Wow." "When does that start?" "So needy." "Come to Mommy." "It's okay." "Go ahead." "Oh, my son." "Oh, my mother." "Oh, my God." "It's the hard-knock life" "ALL It's the hard-knock life for us" "It's the hard-knock life for us" "Instead of treated, we get tricked" "Instead of kisses, we get kicked" "It's the hard-knock life" "Got no folks to speak of, so" "It's the hard-knock row we hoe" "Cotton blanket 'stead of wool" "Empty bellies 'stead of full" "It's the hard-knock life"