"Come on, Grandma." "Ooh, thanks, Dolly." "Three hours later." "Three days later." "Oh, don't forget my yoghurts are in the boot." "Oh, yes, the yoghurts." "Grandma, you do know none of us eat yoghurts?" "I know." "So why did you buy so many?" "They were half price." "What are we going to do with 36 of them?" "Oh, God, why won't it open?" "Crazytits?" "Do you have to call her that?" "It's Liz, actually." "Yeah, Crazytits Liz." "Stop texting me!" "Have you worked out what to do?" "No." "I've told you should do dump her." "I can't just dump her." "Body in the Thames." "Please open!" "I can't dump her, it's her birthday tomorrow." "Whose birthday is it?" "Jonny's incredibly old girlfriend, who's also his boss." "Oh, Crazytits?" "Excellent." "The boot's stuck, Grandma, Dad'll have to do it." "Oh, OK, Dolly." "She's not old." "What?" "Liz, she's not incredibly old." "She's 83." "43." "Why don't you take her out dancing?" "What?" "For her birthday." "Women love dancing." "Yeah, old women love dancing." "Ow!" "When I was younger, before I met Sidney, if a man asked me to dance, somehow I always ended up in bed with them." "Ha-ha!" "Hi, Mum!" "Hello, Dolly." "Ah, come in!" "Hi, boys." "What?" "Nothing." "Do you like my new style?" "Oh, it's lovely, Mum." "Thank you, Jackie." "They're very good there." "You should go." "I'm OK, thanks." "But they specialise in problem hair." "Right, go through, Mum." "Are you all right?" "Hmm?" "Crazytits." "Oh, Crazytits." "Will you please stop calling her Crazytits?" "!" "God!" "What is that smell?" "Jesus!" "Oh, it's that cupboard." "Your dad's been using it to..." "Don't open it!" "Oh!" "Oh, Christ!" "Oh, I told you!" "Is that fish hanging up in there?" "What?" "!" "Oh, my God!" "Your dad's been drying fish." "Drying fish?" "What's he drying fish for?" "Because he wants my house to smell like a sewer." "Hello, bambinos." "A sewer!" "Ow!" "What are you doing in there?" "I'm not in there." "Why are you drying fish in a cupboard?" "Because that's what you do." "If you want to get sectioned." "Bloody thing, screaming in my ear." "No, my father used to do this years ago." "Cor, it's delicious." "Is it?" "And of course the Portuguese..." "been doing it for centuries." "Of course, the Portuguese!" "The Portuguese." "You never had dried fish before?" "Not from a cupboard." "Not another text!" "Who's that?" "Crazytits?" "Dad!" "Is that the old woman he's seeing?" "She's not an old woman." "How old is she again?" "53?" "Er, no, 63." "43!" "She's 43." "43." "Imagine living through two World Wars." "She's almost as old as you, Jackie." "Oh, thank you, Martin!" "It's her birthday tomorrow." "We're going out for dinner." "What are you going to do about her?" "Where's my sherry?" "All right, Mum!" "Blimey!" "Adam, get Grandma her sherry." "Ugh, always me!" "What am I going to do about her, Mum?" "She definitely knows something's up." "How can I finish with her on her birthday?" "You can't finish with her on her birthday." "Can't I?" "Can't he?" "No!" "Great, so I have to get her a nice present and then she'll be happy, then I'll have to act happy, and then I'm stuck with her again." "You could get her a horrible present." "But then she'll be upset and I'll have to be nice, and then she'll be happy, then I'm stuck with her again." "Again!" "I can't bloody win!" "You could just kill her." "I'll do that then." "It's not too hard to kill an old lady." "Just creep up behind them and go, "BOO!"" "Argh!" "Oh, sorry, Grandma." "I told him he should just take her out dancing." "Did you, Mum?" "It's not quite as easy as that." "Yes, it is." "I'll show you." "What?" "How to dance." "Come on!" "Grandma, you're not going to show me..." "Just a little dance." "What a wonderful idea!" "Ah, go on Jonny, have a little dance with your grandma." "Go on!" "It'll make her happy." "Where's the music?" "Er, there's a radio machine in the kitchen." "Radio machine!" "Come on then." "How is this happening?" "Ooh, stop it!" "It'll cheer you up." "Really won't." "Now then, here we go." "Hold on to my waist." "Really?" "Is it loud enough?" "Yes!" "Oh, lovely music." "Lovely!" "One, two, three, one, two, three." "Um, I think that's the music for the news." "Keep going, Pissface." "Shut up, Pusface." "Where's the digital camera?" "Oh, yes, the camera." "One, two, three, one, two, three." "'The headlines...' It is the news." "One, two, three, one, two, three." "Mum!" "What?" "We are dancing to the news." "Smile!" "It's not music." "It's not." "Ah!" "Well done, Grandma!" "Oh, thank you." "So, that's what you should do." "You should take your girlfriend out dancing." "Agreed." "OK, Grandma, I'll do that." "And then you bring her back home and make passionate love to her all night." "Just let that seep in a bit, should be OK." "Thanks, Dad." "Yeah, it's just basic fluid mechanics really, simple coefficients of viscosity." "Right, I'll remember that." "See you later." "Oh, Adam?" "Any, er...?" "Females?" "Please!" "Your brother's got a female." "Correction, old woman." "You can learn a lot from an older lady." "What, like how to dance to the news?" "Look, all I'm saying is maybe you should consider other options." "Other options?" "Like, I don't know." "Divorcees?" "Sorry?" "Or widows." "Widows?" "!" "OK, I'm going to go inside now and set myself on fire." "Dinner's read..." "Why are you doing that now?" "What?" "Oh!" "Come on, Mum." "What's he doing out there?" "Ah, fixing the stupid boot." "Why he couldn't wait." "Oh." "My yoghurts." "All done." "Ah, bleeding thing!" "There they are." "Oooh!" "Ooh." "Agh." "Right." "HELP!" "Oh!" "Help!" "We have no idea, Val." "She was here a minute ago." "She's definitely not on the roof." "Done the bedrooms." "And the loos." "I'll call you back." "So, what are we going to do?" "Oh, that must be her." "Coming, Mummy!" "Mummy?" "Oh, sorry, Jim, it's a terrible time." "I've lost my mother." "We're very sorry to hear that, Jackie, aren't we Wilson?" "No, she's not dead." "We've lost her." "We can't find her anywhere." "Have you looked on the roof?" "She's not on the roof, Jim." "Well, just wanted to let you know, your car appears to be making a terrible moaning noise." "OK, well, thanks, Jim." "It's almost as if it could talk." "Argh!" "Help!" "It's OK, Mum." "You are such an idiot, Martin!" "OK, I can just drill into it." "And drill right into my mother's skull?" "No, you don't!" "What's that noise?" "Nothing, Mum!" "I can survive, I think." "I've got 36 yoghurts." "OK, Grandma!" "But I might need a spoon." "Have you called the police?" "I'm not calling the police." "They'll think we're murderers!" "No need, Jackie." "I can smash her out." "You're not smashing up my car!" "Do you want to kill my mother?" "Jonny, call the locksmith." "Oh, yeah, the locksmith that I know!" "Just Google it, you div." "Crazytits?" "I could always call Mike." "Jim, please, it's an emergency." "Mike Sullivan." "He's a locksmith." "What?" "He's a friend of mine." "Mike Sullivan will get your mother out in no time." "Really?" "Well, call him, quick!" "It's all right, Mum!" "Unfortunately I don't have his number because Wilson did something to my phone with his bottom." "Oh, great." "He doesn't live far, I know the way." "Right, come on." "How about this?" "This way, everybody!" "Mike Sullivan will save her!" "Mummy, we're at the locksmith's now." "He's going to get you out in one minute!" "It's so dark." "Just try to keep breathing!" "Argh!" "Don't worry, Jackie." "Mike Sullivan's the man!" "Oh, here he comes." "Locks." "Hello, Mike." "Hello, Jim." "Everything all right?" "Yes." "No, it isn't." "My mother's trapped in our boot, so..." "Sorry?" "Could you get her out?" "She's in the boot." "Um..." "Adam, go and stay with Grandma, will you?" "Sure." "Well, are you going to let her out then?" "Well, how am I going to do that?" "With your tools." "Come on!" "My tools?" "Your tools, your locksmith tools." "Locksmith tools?" "I'm not a locksmith." "What?" "!" "I'm a town planner." "Are you?" "Yes." "I thought you were a locksmith." "Why?" "The locks." "Why aren't you a shitting locksmith?" "!" "OK, I'm slamming the door now." "Um, something's happened!" "I tried to stop them." "She's got yoghurts." "220 bloody pounds!" "I knew I should have used that hammer." "You all right now, Mum?" "Yes." "This is a very fashionable restaurant." "Ummm..." "Oh, not now!" "Yes, not now!" "She's cut her own hair." "Why would she do that?" "Because you ruined her life?" "Come on, Grandma." "Let's take you home." "Am I going in the boot again?" "Only if you ask nicely." "One minute." "What?" "I did turn the oven off?" "Ooh!" "Adam, open the back door." "Jonny, take Grandma upstairs!" "All right!" "Ooh, Martin, get the chicken out." "What?" "The chicken!" "Shit on the bloody thing!" "Yes, shit on the bloody thing." "Looking forward to dinner." "Mm." "Crazytits?" "She wants to "pop round"." "Oh, I'll switch the stairlift on." "Thanks-but-we're-very-busy." "Shame!" "How's Grandma?" "Still lying down." "She's a little confused." "Oh, poor Grandma." "She just asked if I could get her something from duty-free." "There, who says we can't still have a delicious Friday night dinner, eh?" "Um, me." "And me." "Some lovely dried fish." "They probably needed a couple more days under the stairs, but..." "Dried fish from under the stairs." "Aw!" "At least you tried." "Thank you." "Aw." "And failed." "Raw carrots and some crisps." "They might be a bit stale, though." "They are." "Look, a lovely bit of squirrelfish!" "Can definitely taste the cupboard." "Yup, cupboard." "So, have you decided, then?" "Hmm?" "What you're going to do about Liz?" "Mm." "Yeah, I have, actually." "Put her in a home?" "I'm going to give it another go." "Really?" "!" "Really?" "!" "And you were conscious when you made that decision, were you?" "AYeah, give it another go." "OK." "He's staying with Crazytits?" "Thank you, Dad." "Yeah." "No, it's her birthday and I'm going to be nice and get her a nice present and then just... see how it goes." "Cool." "I'm sticking with Liz." "Oh, my God - she's so annoying!" "She goes on about the '70s the whole time, as if she was there, which she was." "She's got a thing called a breadmaker so she can make her own bread." "I didn't even know you could make your own bread." "And her best friend - who's an utter cock, by the way... he drives a black cab, but he's not a taxi driver - it's his own car!" "It's OK, Jonny." "Calm down." "That guy does sound like a cock." "TNo, I can't do it any more." "I've got to go round to her now." "I've got to see her." "I've got to talk to her." "Oh, my God." "What?" "She's outside." "What?" "!" "She's outside?" "!" "She's outside, she's outside!" "Oh, please don't say it's true." "It's true!" "Shit!" "What am I going to do?" "She's locking her car." "Don't worry, Jonny." "Just talk to her like a man." "Yeah, like a really old man - she'll understand you then." "Shut up!" "Yes, shut up!" "She's coming up the drive!" "Just tell her how you feel." "Suicidal." "But you were going to go round and talk to her a second ago." "Getting closer..." "That was before." "This is now." "I can't just talk to her." "About to press the doorbell." "Please!" "Doorbell pressed." "Oh, God!" "And let the agony begin!" "Oh, my God!" "Oh, my God!" "It's OK, Jonny, it's OK." "Don't worry!" "Calm down." "It'll be fine." "It won't be fine." "Shit, shit, shit!" "Martin, go and put your shirt on." "Oh, bleeding hell!" "Well, go on, just open the door!" "Just go on, Jonny." "OK, I can do it." "I can do it." "No, I can't do it." "I've got to hide!" "Hide?" "!" "Yes, hide!" "Coming!" "Move, you bloody..." "Oh, I'm so sorry, I appear to be in your way!" "Adam!" "Mum, open the door!" "Open the door!" "Out the way" " I want to hide!" "Don't be so stupid." "I'm opening it now." "I'm hiding in here." "Ah, Christ - it stinks!" "Enjoy!" "Tell her I had to go away!" "Jonathan!" "What are you doing in there?" "Let go!" "Come here!" "Sorry, Dad." "Hello." "Hi, I'm Liz." "Of course, Liz." "Sorry to come round like this, but is Jonny in?" "Um, wha..." "Well, he was, but..." "Argh!" "Shitting fish!" "Hello, babe." "Yes, and since 1945 they've closed over 90% of the British shipyards." "90%." "Terrible." "Ah, here he is." "Hello." "Hi, Pissface." "Got rid of that fishy smell?" "Yes, thank you." "It's a medical problem." "Thank you again." "Sorry, Jonny." "Oh." "Thanks, Dad." "You all right?" "Yeah." "It's really nice to properly meet your mum and dad." "And future brother-in-law!" "Well...!" "What happened to your hand, by the way?" "I was bitten." "Bitten?" "Jonny bit him." "Yes, he bit me." "Ooh, happy birthday for tomorrow." "Oh yes, happy birthday!" "Thanks." "How did you know?" "Jonny hasn't stopped talking about it all night." "Have you, Jonny?" "No." "Well, do you like my hair?" "Um, it's very short." "Don't you like it?" "Yeah, no, it's..." "Oh, God, do you think it makes me look like a man?" "Of course not." "Don't be silly, love." "I knew I shouldn't have cut it myself." "It's too short, isn't it?" "It is a bit short." "Martin!" "No, it's lovely." "No!" "Really... different." "Um, Mum, can I just get something from the..." "What?" "Oh!" "One second, Liz." "One second, babe." "One second." "Actually, your hair is particularly short." "What am I going to do?" "!" "She definitely looks like a man." "Shut up, Adam!" "Mum, I don't want to see her any more." "Well, you'll just have to act like a grown-up and speak to her." "But speak loudly, cos of her terribly old ears." "Adam!" "Can't you just speak to her for me?" "No!" "Go back in there!" "Please!" "Both of you!" "Can I just say, this might be the greatest night of my entire life!" "Is everything OK?" "Yeah." "Oh yes, it's fantastic!" "I don't think I've ever met anyone who's cut their own hair." "Martin, why don't you go and finish the washing-up?" "Yes, my little Reichsfuhrer!" "Jonny, shall we...?" "Hello, all." "Oh, hi, Grandma." "Um, this is..." "Got a visitor!" "This is my mother." "Feeling better now, Mum?" "Yes." "It's a beautiful morning." "Um..." "Grandma, this is..." "Who's this nice young man?" "Sorry?" "What?" "What?" "Who is this nice young man?" "This is Liz, Grandma, my..." "girlfriend." "What?" "It's Liz, Mum." "No, this man." "Who is this man?" "She's not a man." "I'm Liz." "I'm Jonny's girlfriend." "She's a girl." "She's a girl, Mum." "I'm a girl." "It's a girl?" "Yes!" "Yes!" "I'm a girl." "I'm a woman!" "Ignore her, love - she's not been well." "Yes!" "It's a girl!" "Yes!" "You're... you're a girl." "Yes." "You're a girl." "OK, Mum." "Lovely girl!" "OK..." "And what is your name, young lady?" "Liz." "Lips." "Liz." "What a lovely girl." "Hello, Grandma." "Have you met Jonny's girlfriend?" "Yes!" "Yes." "She's a girl!" "Well, she was the last time I checked!" "Aah!" "Maybe you two would like to have a quiet chat somewhere." "Um..." "Yes!" "Good idea." "Jonny?" "OK." "They locked me in the boot." "Jonny." "Have you got something you want to tell me?" "What?" "!" "Is everything OK?" "Yeah, course it is." "Yeah, yeah, everything's..." "I'm sorry." "It's not you - it's me." "Well, it is me, but it's also... you." "Wh-what I mean is I like you." "I really like you." "And I work with you." "Well, for you, and that's not awkward - that's great." "It's really... great." "And... you're older than me." "Quite a bit older, actually, but you're not too old." "No, but you are... older, and... you've got a breadmaker and stuff." "That doesn't mean anything." "Cos, you know, I like bread." "I really like bread, and I like toast." "I love toast, really!" "Don't I, Mum?" "Don't I?" "Mummy?" "Um..." "Jonny... what are you trying to say?" "I'm sorry, but I don't want to go out with you any more." "Ohhh." "It's OK, dear." "Come on, love." "I'm sorry." "Leaving so soon?" "What?" "Yeah, I'm going." "Stop it!" "Stop what?" "Open the door." "What door?" "Just open the door!" "Seriously, Adam!" "I'll bite you!" "I will!" "I bit Dad and I will bite you!" "Give me my keys!" "Pardon me?" "My keys!" "I want to go home!" "Give me my keys!" "Do you mean these?" "Bastard!" "Ow!" "Just give them to me, you bloody piece of bloody shit!" "They won't reach." "You'll have to come in and get them." "Open the door!" "I can't at the moment." "You'll have to come in through the side." "That's through the kitchen!" "Is it?" "Liz is in the kitchen!" "Is she?" "!" "I hate you so bloody much!" "Aw!" "Aw, you'll find someone else." "Really?" "Yeah." "What do you think, Adam?" "Of course you will, but I've got a feeling Jonny will come right back for you." "Do you think?" "Jonny!" "Um..." "Excuse me." "Sorry, I just, um..." "left my keys in the..." "Give me my fucking keys!" "Get off me!" "Let me go, you sod!" "Aw..." "Oh, boys!" "Oh!" "Adam!" "Jonny!" "Jon!" "Jonny!" "Martin?" "!" "What?" "Oh, you stupid prannies!" "Get up!" "Stop it!" "Stop it!" "Young man, would you like a yoghurt?"