"Previously on "United States of Tara"..." "Tara, is there any way..." "That I'd watch Wheels?" "Hells yeah." "Look, my brother says the sooner I start, the sooner I'll be back." "Just come back to us, okay?" "I liked you." "I liked you, too." "You're still in love with me." "Your son got into the film festival." "Will you take me?" "To New York?" "Max makes good." "Is that really what you think of our family, of me?" ""Max is a coward for hanging in there."" "Ow!" "Mont" "Timeout!" "Time-fucking-out!" "Why can't we live in the same city?" "Ah, because life, my dear, is not that neat." "I mean, my sister's a little loopy, you know, but she's better." "I mean, she says she's better, so I have to believe she's better." "And who are you?" "I'm Bryce Craine." "This is so good, mom." "I love the crab." "Extraordinarily allergic to crab." "I told you that." "Call an ambulance!" "It's your big brother." "Why did they pick such an early flight?" "Oh, free Skykans ticket." "One of the perks of squeezing a low-budget-airline hostess from my loins." "Speaking of loins, thank God Neil comes home tomorrow." "This is the longest I've gone without sex, unless you count, you know, ages zero to 11." "You lo your virginity at 11?" "Who with?" "Benn Bainer, of the Bainer brothers." "The brother with the harelip?" "How did I not know this?" "No idea." "You were in the room." "Hey." "Oh." "Did you ask her?" "I was waiting for you." "Ask me what?" "Did you tell Max about Bryce?" "No." "What?" "You didn't tell him?" "And ruin his big trip?" "No, ma'am." "Tara, you have a homicidal alter..." "Who tried to seafood your professor." "It was a prank." "He's 14 years old." "He didn't understand the consequences." "Uh, and are these, um, stab wounds for ventilation?" "Trust me." "I have it under control." "And you are saying this why?" "I thought he was barfing up your pills." "Ohhhh." "Mother, there are no words." "Oh, honey, it's temporary, just until your father gets home." "And then he and I will make a plan, and we will execute said plan." "And it will be staggeringly successful, I promise." "But until then..." "Three snorts a day keeps the psychos away." "Ugh." " Have a nice day." " Thank you." "So, did you find any treasures?" "I don't know." "Does a sucked-on jolly rancher stuck to a tray table count?" "Yes, it does." "Mm." "Mmm!" "What is that -- chocolate and coconut?" "Skykans' signature disinfectant." "Ooh." "How decadent." "I think that I'm tastier when I'm not chased with a shot of feral 8-year-old." "Uh, yeah, that is not ideal." "Sorry." "Corrine and I are still trying to figure out our schedules." "Don't worry about it." "I think that my domestic situation has yours beat by like a gazillion." "Intriguing." "Continue." "Okay." "Sunday dinner at the Gregson house." "My mom assumes the identity of her molesty stepbrother to nearly commit murder by shellfish." "The victim -- her Psych professor, who is deathly allergic to crab, which she knew about." "Um..." "My mom becomes different people to cope with the shit that other people do yoga for." "It's some childhood trauma dealing with her dad's son, who did something to her at a cornfield, or..." "Wait." "Is this -- i-i-is this too much?" "N-no." "Hmm?" "Uh, yeah." "Um, it's, uh, a little bit " "I mean, it's just a lot -- and quick." "But..." "Good..." "Ultimately." "Um, where -- where should we go?" "Uh, to Starbucks or Quiznos?" "The world seems so small now." "The entire world seems smaller?" "Compared to New York." "That sofa is 3 inches shorter than when I left." "Look at that." "In New York for five days, and Marshall's suddenly Mr. New York." "He's like a regular Woody Allen." "The only New Yorker that dad seems to know." "We saw him everywhere we went." "Apparently, Woody Allen works the register at Fao Schwarz on Fifth Ave." "A lot of people look alike in this world." "I've got to go to school." "You two all right?" "Yeah, yeah." "It's -- it's complicated." "I'm proud of him, but we, uh..." "We got a little -- we got a little raw." "I'll " " I'll tell you about it later." "I-I sort of need to talk now." "Bad stuff?" "Big stuff?" "Uh..." "Yes." "New alter." "Oh, but please don't make that face." "Uh, I have it under control." "I'm allowed to have any look I want." "You know I'd have come home earlier." "Okay." "All right." "Who is she?" "Good?" "Bad alter?" "Loves giving back massage and knows the stock market?" "No?" "No?" "We're never gonna have one of those, are we?" "He is 14 years old..." "And his name is..." "Bryce." "Are you " "Bryce?" "!" "As in Bryce Bryce?" "!" "I'm medicated -- heavily medicated." "I have it completely under control." "Dad, let's go!" "We're gonna be late!" "Okay." "We're not done." "Okay." "Look what I got -- Charmaine's famous hot cocoa with rum shots and lucky charms." "With just the horseshoes!" "Take off your jacket." "You're home." "Mwah." "I don't want to put her down." "My arms have been itching these last few weeks." "Just been aching for her -- aching for her." "What's she doing?" "Is she -- she laughing, she drooling, she -- she rolling joints?" "She's got three new facial expressions." "Oh." "This one when she's pooping." ""Constipated geriatric." Nice." "Um, this one." ""Elevator fart sniffer."" "And..." "Oh!" ""Roller-coaster douche bag"!" "Oh, you're so talented!" "Being born in New York does not make you any more special." "It's luck." "Their movies were just okay." "They're not magic geniuses because they live on the Upper West Side and drink egg creams." "Eggs and cream?" "That's a thing?" "That sounds like vomit juice." "Well, how do you all feel about souvenirs?" "Pro or con?" "Pro, definitely." "We lost one of our students last night." "Really?" "Which one?" "FYI " " I won't be able to fit a T-shirt over my head for the next two months." "I assume they didn't have any "I heart New York" button-ups?" "I think you should tell them, Albert." "Emotional children make me very uncomfortable." "So..." "All right, class." "Uh, eyes here, ears open." "I have some news." "It's not the kind of news anybody likes to get." "You know, when I was 16, uh, there were a lot of tractor accidents, and, uh, Donny Champlain was the quarterback." "Now, we all called him "Peaches"" "'cause, uh, he had a-a peach tree " "Lionel Trane's dead." "It was a car accident -- last night." "He didn't say a word the entire ride." "Oh, my poor boy." "This is what you meant by "medicated"?" "If you had a mustache, you'd look just like Stalin." "Now what?" "Uh, she'll be fine." "She had to up her meds." "You get it." "Of course." "Wouldn't be her if it wasn't something, right?" "There's always something, Mooshoo, like a Chinese pancake." "It doesn't matter." "It really doesn't." "I get her or I get Alice and a peach cobbler." "What's the difference?" "I cannot believe I got here so fast." "Plane to car." "Speeding like a blur." "I just " " I heard what happened to Marshall, and I just had to be here, you know?" "What do you need?" "He locked the door." "I just want to see if he's okay." "Come on, Marsh." "Oh, well, do you want to know what to say, or do you want to break in there?" "Because I don't know what to say, but I can break into any locked door in this house." "Took you long enough." "Well, buddy, you could have opened the door and saved us some time." "That's not why people lock doors." "I don't have to go to work..." "If you want me to hang around." "Please go to work." "Don't do anything different for me." "I'm really sorry about Lionel, Moosh." "You'll always be my second-best gay." "Because you're my first-best gay." "No?" "You really want me to go?" "Okay." "I'll be over there or next door -- close." "♪ Oh, we're gonna change your little diap-diap ♪" "Hey." "Hi!" "What's with the mask?" "Found I lost the ability to stand the stench." "I don't want to puke on the baby." "Scalpel." "Oh, yeah." "So, what's with the new dude inside of Tara?" "Oh..." "Any other time, we'd be scrambling around like rabid gerbils around her, but we're focusing on Marshall right now 'cause he's not doing too good." "We make these tiny, perfect creatures, promise them nothing's gonna hurt them, promise ourselves." "Yeah." "And then the world just unloads a shitstorm in their faces." "Hm." "And you realize... nothing's in your control." "Yeah, well, you can't fix it, man, you know?" "You just got to be there for him, hope you're capable." "Forceps." "Aaaah!" "Oh, God." "Aah." "Okay." "Dude..." "I-I know." "I know, I know." "Uh, just a second." "Hey, honey, should I wear my charcoal suit or the black one tomorrow?" "Too bad you don't have fuchsia." "Yeah." "Hey, honey, if you're feeling any better, maybe you can go check on Marshall, too, okay?" "Is it okay if I come in?" "It's your house." "The doors are merely suggestions." "I, uh..." "I found this picture of you guys this summer." "Remember, they were showing movies on the wall at the library?" "We got into a fight right after that." "Yeah." "But then it was over, and we got ice cream." "And I watched him watching you." "That's the kind of thing a mother rarely gets to do -- watch someone watch your kid and see the same thing you do." "We were terrible together." "You know that." "We weren't in love." "Well, you weren't soul mates, but..." "I think he still wanted to watch you, see what you were gonna do next." "Tomorrow, it won't be like this." "I'm " " I'm here, however you need me." "I'll stay here for the funeral, or..." "I'll be there with you." "It's -- it's your call." "Hey, um..." "Please come." "Yeah." "Hey, um, look, I-I feel like I should just apologize, um, for shoving my hyperactive spawn down your throat." "He's just...you know, um..." "part of the package." "A-a-and I don't mean that I'm, like, a package." "It's not like I wasn't hemorrhaging my own family bullshit." "I don't want to bog you down." "Yeah, because, I mean, we both have, like, a ton of stuff going on right now." "Yeah." "We should just keep it super-casual." "I am so glad that you said that." "Mm." "And does "super-casual" -- that means that we're like khakis or...jean shorts?" "Well, like -- like, those weird calf-length shorts that Kevin Smith wears?" ""Jorts."" "Yeah." "We're jorts." "Mm." "But..." "So -- so just, more casual than we are now?" "Mm-hmm." "So, do you want to..." "date other people?" "No way." "Whoa." "Wait." "Did you?" "No." "No." "Okay." "No." "But if we're jorts, that means that we're, like, not pants." "Mm." "And if we're not pants and we're not shorts, then we're..." "Not anything." "Right." "Well, I'm glad that we figured this out." "Me too." "Okay." "Life is so fucking fragile." "You know what I keep thinking?" "Hmm?" "It could have been him in the car." "Oh, baby..." "I know." "Don't -- don't go there." "I can't help it." "We got to...not take shit for granted, appreciate everything we got, which is a boatload." "I feel like my whole life is boiling down to this one fucking blip in time." "If I can't mother that boy right now, when he needs me the most..." "What am I?" "Says here the funeral's at noon and we all arrive over to the cemetery." "Is Moosh gonna speak?" "I don't know, honey." "This fucking sucks." "I hate funerals." "Really?" "Most people love mourning violent death." "Is this an open-casket funeral, or what?" "Well, judging from the accident report," "I doubt he's in any shape for that." "Hey, Mooshy." "How you doing, kiddo?" "I understand." "When I lost my dear mother," "I didn't speak to anyone for months." "Of course, we were closer than most." "I-I brushed her hair every day, and we slept in the same bed " "Uh, hey, Ted..." "Tara!" "We, uh, we want to get there early." "You about ready?" "Mom?" "Morning, folks." "And hello again, Charmaine." "Katherine." "My apologies for my poor table manners the other night." "Awfully impolite of me." "Tara's miffed she can't be here today, though she sends her best from Cabo." "Have a great day, Tara's family." "Go put the "fun" back in "funeral."" "Let's go." "♪ It feels good to say what I want ♪" "♪ it feels good to knock things down ♪" "♪ it feels good to see the disgust in their eyes ♪" "♪ it feels good, I'm gonna go wild ♪" "♪ spray paint the walls ♪" "♪ I don't want to see the plan succeed ♪" "♪ there won't be room for people like me ♪" "♪ my life is their disease ♪" "♪ it feels good, I'm gonna go wild ♪" "♪ spray paint the walls ♪" "♪ it feels good to say what I want ♪" "♪ it feels good to knock things down ♪" "♪ it feels good to see the disgust in their eyes ♪" "♪ it feels good, I'm gonna go wild ♪" "♪ spray paint the walls ♪" "♪ spray paint the walls ♪" "♪ it feels good, I'm gonna go wild ♪" "I thought it was nice." "I guess it's weird to call a funeral "nice,"" "but it was different." "What's the word?" "Flamboyant." "It was tasteful." "It was flamboyant." "When I go, I hope that my parents could see me as gay and at peace in a roomful of friends." "Lionel Trane always said exactly what was on his mind, and I respect that." "You know what he said to me once?" "He said, "Kate, leggings are not pants."" "And he was right." "Did you see the newspaper?" "What's that, buddy?" "Well, um, look at the headline." "It says "Local Student Trane Killed in Crash."" "If you didn't read the article, you'd think that a local train full of students were killed in a crash." "Like, if he died slightly differently, they'd have a better headline." "Yeah, it's kind of like the writer was thinking," ""I just wish he would have died a little bit funnier."" ""Trane trains train, tragically."" ""Dies." ♪ wah-wah ♪" "Okay, um..." "He...crashed into a train at his own family reunion." ""Trane smash into train crash at trane bash."" "Wait." "I want to do one." ""Lionel..."" "Fuck!" "I'm so bad at word games!" "Guys, please." "I can hear your soppy bullshit from upstairs." "How does a guy whack off in peace in this house?" "Fucking, really." "Kidding, of course." "I always find a way to whack it." "Kate, FYI -- your pink Teddy Bear and I shared a wonderful moment in time." "Oh, and I found this letter in Marsh's room." ""Marshall, we are stars." ""We will get brighter, and we will shine forever and ever."" "It's funny 'cause it's retarded and he's dead." "Leave him alone, mom." "She's not in there." "But she let this happen, because no one can have bigger problems than her, right?" "Oh, Tara's the fucking worst, huh?" "All right, it's been fun, Bryce, but this thing has a clock on it." "I'm calling Hattaras." "You're out of here." "Dad " ""Got it under control" my fucking ass." "Well, tell the good doctor, "Hello, cheerio, pip-pip, and take the lift."" "Max, Hattaras isn't seeing Tara anymore." "Bryce tried to poison him with crab." "Poison him?" "Yeah, and he lived." "Fucker couldn't take a joke." "Well, who's looking out for Tara?" "No one?" "T-there's no fucking net?" "!" "W-what am I supposed to do now?" "What were you going to do?" "I should go." "Yeah." "Uh, us too." "You can't leave." "It's a party." "Don't you want to party?" "Or you got to get back to the baby, huh?" "Yes." "Adorable little girl you've got there." "Just an angel." "Yeah, we had a hell of a time while you were away." "You know, no one takes the bus anymore but fat people and old folks..." "And your sweet, little baby girl." "♪ The wheels on the bus with Wheels and Bryce ♪" "♪ Wheels and Bryce ♪" "♪ all through the town ♪" "You knew about that, right?" "What the fuck is she talking about, Charmaine?" "I don't know what she's talking about." "If I find out -- if I find out..." "Hey." "Whoa, buddy." "Who are you defending, dad?" "!" "Who are you protecting?" "!" "Yeah, who am I protecting?" "Stay away." "Leave our family alone." "I wish we were the sort of people who could just get upset about one thing." "When something happens, everything else should go away." "One terrible, horrible thing a day." "Yeah." "I don't expect anything else." "She can't cope." "How can she help me cope?" "Well, I don't know if it makes you feel any better, but if mom knew what she was doing, it would absolutely destroy her." "Does it matter what she thinks if she does what she does?" "I don't know." "You've got to get out of this house." "Please, promise me." "I absolutely will." "I promise." "No." "You won't." "Because I always say I'm gonna get out of here tomorrow, and I even get on a plane every day." "I'm still here." "What do you expect me to do?" "Nothing." "Nothing." "No contact." "No phone calls, no...multilayered pasta dishes." "But she's my sister." "Aren't you the one who's Mr. "It's Always About Family"?" "We're your family." "We're your family, number one and only, all right?" "Indivisible, with liberty and justice for all." "But how will I know Tara's okay?" "You don't have to." "She's not, all right?" "She's not okay." "I wish she was." "But my girls have got to be okay first." "All right?" "That... person took our baby." "No one is ever going to hurt you." "Ohh." "Sorry." "Hey." "It's my day off, and my brother's " "Hey, hey, what are you doing here?" "It's hard." "It's really hard." "And, uh -- hang on." "Okay, here's the thing." "I'm tired of using my mom as an excuse for all of the crap that I can't deal with, and I am sick of acting like her problems are my problems." "I want to make my own problems." "That's my right as a human fucking being." "And so I choose you." "Be my problem." "Please?" "Okay." "Does this mean we're no longer jorts?" "No." "We're culottes." "It's on standby, I promise." "I know your tricks, Gregson." "We just need a moment." "Pretend it was just before." "Future Lionel." "Fine." "In 10 years, I'm going to live in a mansion in New York -- marble floors, pool boys, famous for being famous." "Pool boys in New York?" "You'll go to Manhattan, I'll go to Manhattan." "Your Manhattan will be in New York, and mine will be at Kansas State in Manhattan, Kansas." "Maybe if I want the marble floors enough," "I'll end up someplace in the middle." "You don't dream about any real things?" "Reality star cum movie star " "There is a flood of shit coming down the mountain." "I need some men with buckets." "My bucket's almost full." "I think I-it's best for everyone that I not hang around." "Then I...hereby withdraw your bucket." "I'll " " I'll hold 'em for both of us." "When you go, I want you to do something for me." "When you ran around New York, you acted like you'd never seen a fucking building or a bagel before." "Don't ever lose that." "Don't give that up for him." "Or her." "Is she gonna be okay?" "That's not your problem anymore." "Are you gonna be okay?" "You even..." "You even know where you're going?" "Yeah." "Come here." "You call me when you get there." "You want me to stop?" "Yeah." "Fuck you, old man." "Don't tell me what to do." "When's Tara coming back?" "Don't you get it?" "She's not."