"IJON TICHY" " SPACE PILOT The Star Diaries" "Freely produced by themes from the novel "Star diaries" by Stanislaw Lem" "Flying my rocket on Saturday, September 23rd... near the Milky Way..." "I was finally leading... the life a cosmic hero deserved." "Look at the floor, it's a mess." "I could concentrate on important things... 'cause I'd finally gotten my holographic invention to work perfectly." "Well, almost..." "Hey, what're you doing?" "Keep your eyes on the road!" "I have a growling belly." "Time for a yummy omelet!" "Holy Crap!" "I told you to tidy up!" "You said to navigate and pay attention!" " That's the problem:" "I always have to tell you what to do." "I invented you to clean up this rocket." "So start cleaning!" "How dare you!" "Mr. Tichy, I'd appreciate more respect." "I'm only human, after all." "Human?" "You're joking." "I'm the human." "And the hero." "You're just a holograph, got that?" "So clean up this mess, or I'll blow up your fuses!" "Hey, all our provisions are gone!" "So what?" "Why didn't you take care of this?" "What are we gonna eat?" "Mr. Tichy, that's not my problem." "I'm just the hologram." "You're the human here." " What?" "Yuck, a little out-of-date..." "I had a brochure for the Egg Planet somewhere..." "Every thing has its proper place." "This holograph is useless." "Remember that?" "I have to do it all." "There's only one person in the cosmos..." "I can count on:" "Myself:" "Ijon Tichy!" "HERO OF THE COSMOS" "After a long flight, when I finally reached the address of the Egg Planet... there was nothing there!" "A big fat planet couldn't just disappear like that?" "Maybe I took a wrong turn?" "This place was a bit scary." "I was worried:" "Where was I supposed to get fresh-omelet eggs?" "My growled-up belly." "I need to eat." "Oh well, on the outside, nice and fresh!" "What's this?" "An unsolved problem." "Let's look it up in the Cosmic Encyclopedia." "The Cosmic Encyclopedia had the answer to every problem." "What are you doing?" "I'm the boss, it's my book collection." "I'll look it up." "Didn't you just say I should be more independent?" "But not like this!" "That's not the plan." "It said this munching hole was a cosmic emergency." "And to immediately go to Professor Tarantoga for help." "My chair!" "Find the address!" "This crap hole is dangerous!" "It ate my chair!" "I did that while you were loafing around." "It's a cosmic emergency after all." "There's no time to lose." "Ok, then... fly faster!" "I said - fly faster, you!" "We're there!" " What?" "It's just around the corner." "It was the address... of the Institute of the Cosmic Encyclopedia... where they stored all the info on the cosmos." "Welcome to the Institute of the Cosmic Encyclopedia." "Please fill out form 44F yellow to 77Y purple." "Then you will be covered for cosmic development... and your data entered into the primeval soup." "Silly crap!" "I'm Ijon Tichy." "This is an emergency!" "Upon entry we require your data on the primeval soup!" "Oh, too pretty hologram." "Paper jam!" "To fill out forms and boring paperwork... use her." "Welcome to the Institute of the Cosmic Encyclopedia." "We need your personal data... and wishes for the new cosmic development through the primeval soup." "Primeval soup?" "What's that?" "It was hard to find my way around this place." "I was going in circles." "But suddenly there I was." "At the professor's door!" "Hello?" "I've often heard of stuck-up space pilots, but your guy seems even worse." "I'm sure we can help you out with the big bang." "Hello?" "I just found a munching hole in the universe." "Is this the right address?" "Yes, it's right." " Is that the guy?" "The cosmos is being destroyed!" "That's just my holographic servant appliance." "Analogue Hallucinette." "I made her all by myself." "I know, she told me about you..." " I'm Ijon Tichy." "The clumsy crash pilot!" " Cosmic Hero." "Cosmic Hero?" "But the cosmos is being destroyed!" "What?" "The cosmos is being wiped out?" "The universe is being destroyed." "But I'm working on a solution!" "No." "Professor!" "I have a clue." "A clue to my heritage, my home planet." "I told you to stay away till I'm done here." "I give my assistant Mel simple research tasks..." "Mel!" "The void has re-emerged!" "What now?" "Is it dangerous?" "You can say that again, we're all gonna die." "The universe is being destroyed." "What?" "The universe..." "It began with a big bang." "That created everything!" "But the question is:" "What came before the big bang?" "Nothingness!" "And now the void is dissolving our universe!" "Because it doesn't like it anymore..." "or it saw something ugly out there." "All we can do now is:" "Die." "Or come up with our own big bang." "That's why we need the primeval soup... and a cosmo-gigantic cannon!" "We'll place this target in front of the void... and fire the cosmo-gigantic cannon..." "...with the new primeval soup... into the void." "Creating a new big bang and a new evolution." "And the universe is ours again." "That's how we conquer the void." "Simple, isn't it!" "I've prepared the new primeval soup." "Looks like a stew my granny made." "Nonsense!" "I've been cooking this soup for years in case the void returned." "I season it every now and then." "Are you crazy, you fool!" "Just one taste is enough to extinguish entire future civilizations!" "Or even entire planets!" " But it smells so good!" "Only when the primeval soup is done correctly... can the universe re-emerge exactly as it was." "We have to shoot the primeval soup into the void... setting off a big bang to recreate our universe." "Due to all the information in the primeval soup... it should be an exact copy of this universe." "I'm going to load the primeval soup into the cosmo-gigantic cannon and fire it." "Your job is to place the target right in front of the void." "Cannon, huh?" "A bit teensy-weensy for the great professor." "Fiddlesticks!" "This is my apple peeler!" "That is the cosmo-gigantic cannon!" "He had a long one!" "Well, if that's what it took to save my world, then ok." "Here are the latest calculations for the primeval soup, Professor." "She did them." "Too pretty hologram, self destruction initiated!" "Like I said:" "Place the target directly over the void... so that I can get a good shot from here." "We can only do this once, and can't afford to miss." "That's your role in saving the universe!" "I know every corner of the universe, I'm the hero!" "I'll save the universe, got that?" "Ok, wise guy." "Mel!" "Stop pestering him." " You really know every corner?" "I mean, every corner of the universe?" "If you want to play the hero, Mr..." "Tichy." " Whatever." "Ijon Tichy!" "You should hurry up!" "Way to go!" "My order... to speed it up." "What a goofball!" ""COSMIC ENCYCLOPEDIA"" "What was I thinking, I forgot to put myself into the soup." "I'm in!" "I'm in!" "I'm fed up with you showing off." "In my universe I lay down the law:" "I'm the hero, you're the holograph." "Got that?" "But I'm sick of living in your narrow-minded world." "And your so-called "unbendable" rules are a joke you won't be laughing at soon." "I'm going to load the cannon, so don't mess around with the target!" "What did Professor Tarantoga say?" "The void is dissolving the cosmos 'cause it doesn't like it any more?" "Well Mr. Tichy, if I were the void and saw your underwear out there..." "I'd want to end the world too." "What?" "Silly crap!" "The void must have gotten into your empty head!" "Careful!" "Oh great!" "GRANNY'S PEA SOUP" "Tarantoga's... primeval soup." "I'd better take over now." "This involves the creation of my... the universe." " What?" "Stop it!" "Give me that!" " No!" "Hurry up..." "Mel?" "Mel?" "Let go!" "Enough now!" "Hand it over!" "Ok, then you do it." "But be very careful!" "Nah, I won't do it." "You can't tell me what I have to do." "My cosmic cannon is ready." "Where's that damn target?" "I'll save the universe when I feel like it!" "You were so eager a moment ago." " But not now." "Maybe later." "What?" "Look at that?" "The whole primeval soup-mess is in our kitchen!" "Now I know what to do." "You're gonna clean it up." "Mr. Tichy?" "Inside the weird bubble..." "I saw a parallel universe!" "An exact copy of the universe... the way it should come out of the primeval soup!" "A yummy omelet..." "I told you to stay in your closet at meals, huh?" "What's going on here?" "I'm fed up with you showing off." "Get back in that closet now!" "In my universe I lay down the law:" "I'm the hero and you're the holograph!" "Got that?" "This parallel universe was made up of the information from the colorful forms... and was full of mistakes!" "Just you wait..." "Mama!" "Make that ugly holograph go away!" "I can't eat with that thing in the kitchen!" "Now it's gone." "Let's eat the yummy food!" "You'll pay for this, you manipulative machine!" "I saw through your plan." "It didn't work on me." "Did I aim right?" "Where did the shot go?" "You old couch-potato fart!" "You missed!" "Thanks only to me, Ijon Tichy... the void-hole and that awful parallel universe were destroyed." "I saved the world!" "But the Egg Planet still wasn't in its place." "A new universe?" "Very nice!" "It worked." "I've saved the universe!" "What did you just say?" "You saved the universe?" "You're joking!" "I did all the work, but the Egg Planet is still missing." "Egg Planet?" "You're flying in the wrong direction, you fool." "It's at the other end of the galaxy!" "So, the void and the parallel universe destroyed each other." "This created a mixture of the two universes." "The old and the new." "This here... is the mixture!" "What did you say?" "A mish-mashed cosmos?" "Yes, mixed up, you twit!" "You have no idea about anything." "Now I was starting to panic!" "The new universe was meshed with the universe manipulated by the Hallucinette." "I feared the worst." "Mr. Tichy, would you mind getting our little one out of the closet?" "Our little one goes better with the curtains, don't you think?" "Yeah, that's great!" "And now we're going to have a little equal rights, ok?" "Go and have a nap... while I take care of everything." "That's so nice of you." "Equal rights." "More respect!" "Thank you, I'll go take that nap." "When I saw the brochure of the Egg Planet..." "I realized the professor was right." "I was completely off course." "The Egg Planet was at a totally different address." "So I had to bear and grin it!" "Because of fresh omelet eggs..." "I now had to fly to the other end of the universe." "People later said that I made the whole thing up." "Nasty people said that I secretly drank too much alcohol on earth..." "But lost all inhibitions on long space voyages." "God knows how this rumor got started." "People are like that." "They'd rather believe a bunch of silly crap than perfectly good facts."