"Ladies and gentlemen, your hosts, Jonah Ray and Kumail Nanjiani!" "Thanks for coming to The Meltdown." "It's so weird to me that we have our own Comedy Central show." "I kind of don't know what to expect." "Like, I don't know how this is gonna go..." "Yeah..." "I think I could give you guys a few pointers on it... if you wanted to know how to run a show." "Oh, my god!" "Oh!" "Anders Holm!" "Anders Holm from Workaholics!" "Hey, guys!" "Anders!" "Can we call you Ders?" "Is that okay?" "No." "I'm kidding." "Yeah, you can call me Ders." "You can call me The Ders, whatever." "Okay, so Ders-- Or, the Ders." "Okay." "The Ders." "That sounds good." "I like that." "So, The Ders, what can we expect from like, our show." "Do you have any tips for us?" "Any pointers?" "Of course, I do, first and foremost... when you get your first limo driver, fire them Day 1." "Uh, we didn't" "We didn't really get a limo driver." "We didn't get any kind of driver." "What do you mean?" "We have to commute together... so we save on gas..." "Yeah... that they don't reimburse us for." "They don't pay us back for that." "Uh, well then, uh, the gourmet meals that they drop off at your house... to keep you in shape and whatnot." "JONAH (O.S.):" "Again..." "We don't really get gourmet meals..." "Or any meals at all, really." "Ok-- oh, that's weird." "I brought some chips." "Oh, that was you." "That was me, yeah." "I wrote Comedy Central a "Thank You" note for those." "It fits you well, oddly." "How do you feel wearing a dress?" "Fantastic." "It's a good feeling, right?" "I love wearing dresses." "Yeah, it's very" "It's great until I sit down." "You never know what to do." "Then I-- yeah." "What I hate is when" "Oh, I know what to do, hide my genitals..." "You have to hide your genitals." "from the world, yeah." "You'll get to meet all the company men." "I" " I had a threesome with Key and Peele." "Wow." "Nuts." "You guys know what "suspension sex" is?" "It's where they like put the hooks in the skin." "They hang you from the ceiling." "Yeah, yeah." "And they kept being like, "Say the N-word!"" "I'm like, "I'm not into that yet." Whoa, that's awesome." "No." "Just not my thing." "No, you aren't" "It's bad!" "Yeah." "Yo, Ders!" "What up?" "Let's-- let's go." "Come on, that's enough." "It's a party, man, we're late." "What party?" "What party are you guys going to?" "It's the Comedy Central Network party." "This Comedy Central Network?" "Yeah, man, Broad City is going to be there." "The one." "Lah-lah-lah-lah!" "Okay, I'll see you guys around." "I'll see you at the party." "Should we have some fellowship?" "That's a hell of a fellowship." "Let's fellowship." "Let's pray before my set." "Dear Lord..." "Dear Satan..." "Dear Satan... eater of children." "Devourer of worlds." "He who takes and violates those who are innocent." "Shed the blood of my enemies tonight." "Amen." "Wait, what's Satanic "Amen"?" "KUMAIL (O.S.):" "Please welcome to the stage, Jared Logan!" "Yeah!" "Wow!" "Good to see you, guys." "Let me tell you about who I am." "I have a girlfriend." "She's real." "And uh, she's Jewish." "Is anybody here Jewish?" "Get out!" "No, I'm kidding." "But I was raised Pentecostal." "Do you know what Pentecostal is?" "Do you know what that is?" "They speak in tongues at church." "They speak in another language at church." "It's not a language you recognize." "It's not like, "yo, soy bien, Christo."" "It's not like that." "It's not a little Latin flavor, okay?" "What it is, is they do-- okay, the Holy Ghost, which is like a friendly ghost like Casper." "Enters their body and then they do this." "This is really what would happen at my church." "They would go." "( TALKING IN TONGUES )" "And they think that God likes that." "That God's like, "Yeah, make them noises I like!" ""Make God's dancing noises." ""I'm God and I love random collections of gibberish."" "So, you know, I wanted to know why my church thought that they had to do this." "So I looked it up in the Bible, and in the Bible... it's really one paragraph about the day of Pentecost, they call it... where all these disciples prayed, the Holy Ghost made them speak in tongues." "My church based their entire religion off of that one paragraph." "So to me, my church are like, you know, they're like ComiCon geeks of religion." "Like, if Jesus came back and needed a panel at the San Diego ComiCon... my church would be in the audience like" "Remember in Act, Chapter 2, Verse 1... when you used your powers to change the language centers of the dis" "Isn't that the correct way to worship God?" "And Jesus would be looking at Joss Whedon like..." ""Can you believe these [BLEEP]ing assholes?" ""That I have to-- these are my fans that I have to deal with?" ""I didn't write that part?" "I didn't write--"" "Who wrote that part?" "Who wrote that?" "Luke?" "I think Luke wrote that?" "I" "You know, I feel like you're fixating on one part of the whole saga." "I'm here to promote the Second Coming." "Would you still go on if you cracked your two front teeth?" "Would you be like, "The show must go on?"" "Absolutely." "I'd be bleeding all over myself." "It'd be hilarious." "Al did this great bit where he put all this fake blood on his face." "I did this one show, it was somewhere in Florida, many years ago... where, you know, for one of my songs, I smash an acoustic guitar on stage." "and it shatters, and this night, a piece of the guitar ricocheted off the stage... and went straight up my nose." "Oh!" "And I started bleeding profusely, and the rest of the show..." "I've got like my face bandaged up and I'm still going through it... and people are like, oh, yeah, that's funny." "Jesus." "You're so funny with your face" "I have a Jesus issue, obviously." "My issue is, like, you know, he died on the cross to save you of your sins, right?" "Okay, so that's a story." "And that's very nice, but I think that conversation goes like this." "It's like, "Oh, Jesus, thank you for doing that." "That's very nice of you." "No one asked you to do it, but thank you, nonetheless for doing it."" ""Hey, no problem, Jared." "I did it because I love you, so, no problem, you're welcome."" "Well, if there's anything I can ever do to thank you for doing that, just let me know... because I'd really like to, you know, thank you." ""You don't have to thank me." "Like I said, I did it because I love you." ""I guess if I was gonna think of like maybe like one thing..." ""you could do to maybe like thank me, it would be like maybe you could like worship me." ""But other than that, I can't--"" "Wait, what?" ""You know, like worship me, just think about me all day all the time." ""And then in every situation, decide what I would do and then do that." ""And then build buildings dedicated to me, and spend a lot of time every week..." ""in those buildings." "But other than that, I can't think of anything." "JONAH (O.S.):" "Yeah, how was that?" "Good?" "Yeah." "All right." "This happened this weekend." "I met Bruce Campbell." "Bruce Campbell from Evil Dead?" "I was" "Army of Darkness Bruce Campbell?" "I was so excited, and I knew I was gonna meet him... so I was just like talking to my friends, and he just showed up." "I was just talking and then suddenly I look, and it was fucking Bruce Campbell." "And I sort of had a freak out." "And he's like, "Hey, I'm Bruce."" "And this is what I did." "I was so nervous, I was like..." ""Oh, hey, nice to meet you, Ruce."" "I said Ruce." "What" "And he had this look on his face like, "My name's not Ruce, also nobody's name..." "No one's named Ruce." ""is Ruce."" "This looks like something you don't want to eat right before you perform, though." "This-- this general-- anything greasy... you probably don't want to um-- I'm just trying to see..." "I'm sorry, I was-- how long I can get you to stand there hold" "I wasn't listening, because I was having diarrhea, why?" "What?" "Oh, god!" "Jesus!" "Do you have a thing, like, where if you stay up too late at night... that you start to transform werewolf-style... into the novelist and objectivist philosopher Ayn Rand?" "Huh?" "Yeah, right?" "Yeah!" "I know I don't need to tell this guy." "So I've been experimenting with marijuana a lot lately." "This is Ayn Rand speaking to you... from the year 1980." "When I was a child..." "in St. Petersburg..." "I saw the Bolsheviks come..." "and take my father's pharmacy... and so I became a dedicated capitalist... and I moved to America... and I became very wealthy!" "Writing novels about misunderstood geniuses... who are held back by mediocrities and the authorities... which is what every teenager wants to read." "I was the original young adult novelist." "I gotta go write real quick, but a lot of people have stand-ins..." "I have a comedic stand-in, when I'm leaving." "Can you get my stand-in?" "I have to go to the bathroom." "Hey, what do you know?" "It's me, Todd Glass, just in time for me to go on stage." "What if I thought I could really do this?" "What if I could really get away with this?" "I go on stage and I pretend to be me... but you know it's not me, but the guy who gets it, he knows it's fucking me." "But what if I really thought that and I kept doing it?" "Nobody cares." "They're not even watching anymore." "But what if I really literally kept doing it?" "All right, thanks." "That's good." "Can you just do Todd's set?" "Yeah." "He's just my stand-in." "Hey, we got a younger Todd." "Younger?" "He's not that much younger." "But I have to tell you now, in the year 1980, as I approach the end of my life!" "My favorite work is writing my column for Parade Magazine... and with your permission, I will share some of my columns now." "I find it to be a terrible irony... that I should share with Lyndon Baines Johnson... the architect of the so-called Great Society." "That I should share with this president, the same love of the same soft drink Fresca." "They say that it has a grapefruit flavor, but I think it has a different flavor." "What do you think?" "Write in and tell me, readers!" "My moral philosophy is founded on the principle... that there is a reality and that man can perceive this reality... accurately with his senses, and that this faculty... his reason, is paramount above all other virtues." "And so, I can say to you, definitively, objectively... the best movie of this year 1980 is Caddyshack." "Rodney Dangerfield is a self-made man." "He does not apologize for his success." "Rather he revels in the reality that we are all going to get laid." "If we devote ourselves to productive selfishness... and stop coddling the weak." "Ayn Rand out!" "I have so many funny ideas." "This is why Comedy Central is in love with me." "Because I'm very off-the-cuff." "You know, they could use this, what I'm doing right now." "They'll use this." "They'll come out of commercial, they're playing it." "Now people at home are going, "They actually did do that."" "I know what they want." "Look into the barrel of the camera." "People at home are like, "Oh, yeah, look at, he's talking to us." "Sure, of course they're gonna use this." "You think they're gonna edit this out?" "No, because the editor fucking gets it." "Put my name underneath and blink it." "Throw me a fucking bone." "And don't bleep out [BLEEP], it's so immature." "Todd Glass!" "Shut the fuck-- why the fuck was that there?" "Hold on, stop!" "Stop, stop, stop, stop!" "I'm doing a TV appearance and there's a mic there!" "You think I-- yeah, I'll make it work, but that's fucked up!" "I'm a star, you motherfucker!" "I should punch you in your dumb, fucking face!" "I'm a celebrity!" "And they don't fucking have that!" "You think if Barbara Walters was here?" "Okay, go." "( MUSIC CONTINUES )" "( AUDIENCE CHEERS )" "Thank you very much." "Thank you." ""Are you tired" campaigns are never anything anybody's tired over." "It's always like, "Are you tired?" Never." "It's like, "Are you tired of old-fashioned mops?" "Nobody really gives a shit about mops." "Nobody's walking around, "I can't take these mops anymore." ""It's bullshit!" "They're not advancing!"" "They say are you tired of old-fashioned mops?" "That's how it gets you, because no one wants to think that they're old." "Are you tired of old-fashioned mops?" "Because people want to think they're hip." "You know what I mean?" "You know?" "So-- oh, by the way, that's a good way to get people" "You ever meet someone?" "You're at a Thanksgiving dinner... somebody says something, it's racist or it's sexist or it's homophobic." "We don't want to stop the dinner and give them a 20-minute dissertation." "How can I say in three seconds I don't approve of what's coming out of your dumb mouth?" "So what you do is you ask how old they are." "You go, "How old are you?"" "They're like, "Why, are you the Word Police?"" "You go, "No, no, no," and then you sell it like a fuck, right?" "You go, "No, no, not the Word Police, I hate people like that." ""Say whatever you want."" "I'm just saying, you say shit old people say, that's all." "But anyway" "Hey, could you pass the gravy?" "And they're like, "Oh, he's not even mad at me, he just says that I'm old." ""I hate it." And that's passive progressive, is what I like to call it." "Little" "I am gonna really exercise my right to just not be very interesting." "Nah." "Nothing." "There's another thing they do." "Are you tired?" "And it's this thing you plug into the wall that keeps bugs out of the house." "But then the voiceover person comes on." "Are you tired of exterminators coming into your house... spraying poison on your children and food?" "I get you want to move merchandise, so it behooves you to lie about exterminators... because you want people to buy your thing." "But can you just make up stuff?" "Are people that, you know, driven to buy stuff?" "Even if there's no fa" "Are you tired of exterminators coming into your house... putting on your wife's clothes and taking a shit in your yard?" "People are like, "I am actually-- if they do that, then I am tired of that."" "First of all, exterminators never spray poison... into anybody's baby or anybody's face." "They never come in, "Is that your baby?" "Yes, it is."" "Hey, you just sprayed poison in my baby's face." ""Yeah, I'm an exterminator."" "By the way, every so often, this happens... and we're not talking about whether this is sad or not." "It's always sad if somebody loses their life." "We'll hear a situation in Sea World, where, you know, the killer whale kills somebody." "And again, it's sad, it's always sad." "The thing is, why are they shocked?" "If Sea World didn't exist, and you told someone that story... just on it's own." "It seems like you're fucking crazy." "If you went up to someone..." "You're not gonna believe what happened." "Don't even guess." "Don't even try to guess it." "This is crazy." "You're never gonna see this coming." "And we're smart, and we didn't see it coming." "And we're not dumb, and we're not dumb, seriously." "We're not dumb, and we didn't see this coming." "So you're not going to." "But we took a killer whale out of the ocean with a crane, right?" "And then we put it in a baby pool." "And we had a guy swim around it." "Well, it was sort of scared, and tried to teach it tricks and shit." "And you're not gonna believe what it did." "The guy's like, "It killed him?"" "You're like, "Shut the fuck up!" "Who told you?"" "You would have never guessed that on your own." "Good night, thank you very much." "That was amazing..." "you did great!" "Thank you, that was fun." "Oh... yeah." "God, that was so much fun." "To do, like a show, in front of those crowds, it's fucking nuts." "Please welcome to the stage, Weird Al Yankovic!" "Oh, shit, Weird Al's playing with a quartet." "I gotta watch that." "So he is a nerd, right?" "Right?" "It's official." "Whatever just happens." "Put down that chainsaw and listen to me." "It's time for us to join in the fight." "It's time to let your babies grow up to be cowboys." "It's time to let the bedbugs bite." "You better put all your eggs in one basket." "You better count your chickens before they hatch." "You better sell some wine, before its time." "You better find yourself an itch to scratch." "You better squeeze all the Charmin you can." "When Mr. Winkle's not around." "Stick your head in the microwave and get yourself a tan." "Talk... with your mouth full." "Bite... the hand feeds you." "Bite... off more than you can chew." "What can you do?" "Dare to be stupid." "Take... some wooden nickels." "Look... for Mr. Goodbar." "Get... your mojo working now." "I'll show you how." "You can dare to be stupid." "You can turn the other cheek." "You can just give up the ship." "You can eat a bunch of sushi then forget to leave a tip." "Dare to be stupid." "Come on and dare to be stupid." "It's so easy to do." "We're all waiting for you." "Let's go." "It's time to make a mountain out of a molehill." "So can I have a volunteer?" "We have no more time for crying over spilt milk." "Now is time for crying in your beer." "Settle down, raise a family, join the PTA." "Buy some sensible shoes and a Chevrolet." "Then party 'til you're broke and they drag you away." "It's okay." "You can dare to be stupid." "It's like spitting on a fish." "It's like barking up a tree." "It's like they say, you gotta buy one if you want to get one free." "Dare to be stupid." "Yes!" "Why don't you dare to be stupid?" "Dare to be stupid." "Dare... to be stupid." "Thank you so much!" "That's our show this week!" "Hey!" "Come on!" "Wave!" "There you go." "There's a premium ice cream bar." "Thanks a lot, you fucking asshole!" "Fuck you, you fucking piece of-- Fuck you, Todd!" "What?" "What?" "Hey, come here!" "Todd, if you want to do this right now!" "Fucking-- give me your-- here you go!" "You thought this was a joke." "Go get another ice cream, you pile of shit." "I'll take all the fucking ice cream." "Yeah, go fuck yourself." "Your mom's a whore!" "Aw, fuck you!" "Fuck you!"