"Mr. Potter?" "Come in, you're late." "I'm sorry." "The, erm, the train." "Punctuality is the politeness of princes, Mr. Potter always says." "Mr. Potter is just starting his beginning-of-term speech." "You'll have to wait." "...with which sentiment I'm sure you will agree." "You all know that in the beginning, there were Adam and Eve." "You'll remember that Adam bit into that apple, at which moment the first loser was born." "Yes, the pattern was set, and the world divided, not into male and female." "Oh, no, no, no." "That's just a mere superficial division of minor importance." "No, gentlemen, there is another division, another dichotomy, more basic, more profound." "At that fateful moment, the world was divided into winners... and losers." "Top men... and underdogs." "In a word, the one-up... and the one-down." "Ah, yes, yes, yes, yes," "I can see the question in your hungry eyes." "You want to know what is Lifemanship." "Well, gentlemen," "Lifemanship is the science of being one up on your opponents at all times." "It is the art of making him feel that somewhere somehow, he has become less than you, less desirable, less worthy... less blessed." "Who then, you ask, are your opponents?" "Everybody, in a word, who is not you." "And the purpose of your life must be to be one up on them, because, and mark this well, he who is not one up... is one down." "Come in!" "Potter?" "Yes." "They sometimes call me, Mr. Potter, but..." "I beg your pardon." "I'm Mr. Henry Palfrey." "Ah!" "Sit down, Palfrey." "Well?" "Tell me all about yourself, Palfrey." "Well, it's like this, Mr. Potter... have a cigarette, Palfrey." "Thank you, Potter." "You don't mind my cigar, do you, Mr. Palfrey?" "Not at all, Mr. Potter." "Thank you, Henry." "Ha ha!" "My round, I think." "What do you mean?" "Never mind, we'll talk about that later." "Now tell me, what first prompted you to enrol in the college?" "Well... frankly, Mr. Potter," "I'm a failure." "No." "You'll have some tea with me, won't you, Palfrey?" "Thank you very much." "So, you want to be a success." "Well, I think we can help you." "But first, I like to have a clear picture of the background of the student." "You're in love, of course." "How did you know?" "Thank you, Alice." "Have a muffin, Palfrey." "Thank you." "Blonde?" "Erm... no, with lemon." "The young lady..." "is she a blonde?" "Oh, I see!" "Er, well, not quite." "That could be serious." "Now, let's begin at the beginning." "How did you first meet this not quite blonde young lady?" "Well, it happened on Tuesday." "Or was it Wednesday?" "Yes, Wedn... no, it wasn't, it was Tuesday." "I was on my way to the office in the morning as usual." "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Of all the stupid, awkward..." "Clumsy?" "Clumsy idiots." "Ooh!" "I say, I'm most terribly sorry sorry?" "Is that all you've got to say when you knocked me down like a wild... uncivilised?" "Uncivilised." "Savage?" "Sava..." "No, not really." "Oh, but I am." "Yes, I am permanently uncivilised, I'm..." "Oh!" "What's the matter?" "My beautiful new stocking's ruined." "Oh!" "I'll probably sue you." "Oh, I do wish you would." "I'm fully insured, you know." "Personal, property, accident, medical, all that sort of thing." "Just take your pick." "No, thank you, but it's very nice of you to offer." "Look, give me those, I'm going to be late for work." "Under no circumstances." "You're probably shaken or bruised or something." "The least I can do is to carry them for you." "But then you'll be late for work." "Work?" "Oh, work!" "That old thing." "Ha ha ha." "Well, you do work, don't you?" "Well, of course, I do, but they can do without me for a while." "I'm a... well, I'm an executive." "Oh!" "So, the later the better, really." "Yes, yes, of course." "I say, are you sure you don't want to sue me?" "Absolutely positive." "Yes, well, erm... what about the stockings?" "I'll let you into a secret." "They weren't new, anyway." "Well, perhaps they had some sentimental value?" "Not really enough to sue for." "Pity, really." "Ha ha ha." "Do you always come this way to work?" "Yes, yes, I do." "Someone's coming." "The most handsome batting... ok, it's only the boss." "And the lead's now 126... good morning!" "Evan has caught him most gloriously!" "What's the score?" "Shhh, I can't hear." "Sorry." "And now all round the ground..." "Miss Stevens!" "Miss Wilson!" "Appleby!" "Yes, if times were normal, you'd all take a week's notice, but as times are regrettably abnormal," "I shall have to content myself with a severe reprimand on my return from Mr. Henry's office." "Meanwhile, back to your desks." "Good morning, sir." "Ah, the very man I wanted to see." "Would you book a table for me at the Camellia Room for tonight for two, for 9 o'clock?" "The Camellia Room, sir?" "I'm taking someone to dinner." "Taking or being taken, sir?" "Taking." "Your late uncle always used to say that the best place for taking was the Hampshire Buttery, sir." "A very satisfying meal for seven and sixpence." "Here is the morning's business sir, which I had ready on your desk at 9 o'clock, but removed to a place of safety pending your arrival." "Thank you, Gloatbridge." "Are there any decisions, or are they just signatures?" "I think we decided that it should be just signatures, sir, since you inadvertently... yes." "You will remember I feel sure, sir, just why we decided it should be just signatures and not decisions." "Of course." "Yes." "Perhaps these painful memories are best forgotten, sir." "Hello?" "Yes, speaking." "Douglas, old man." "What?" "Ha ha ha ha." "Tell me, what time is the match on Saturday?" "Hmm?" "I'm not playing?" "I must say I'm a little surprised, yes." "Well, who's in?" "Walter?" "But good gracious me, I can beat Walter any day of the week." "It was 6-2, 6-3 last time." "Hmm?" "Well, listen, Douglas, you know I've got absolutely nothing against Walter, in fact, he is, well, he is one of my best friends, but it's just that I've been looking forward to the game." "I've made all my arrangements." "Yes, Douglas." "Yes, I appreciate that, but... yes, Douglas." "Yes, of course." "Goodbye." "Oh, Douglas!" "My regards to Walter." "Your morning newspaper, sir." "Hmm?" "Oh, yes." "And just to start you off, sir, number 23 Across is "castles in Spain"." "Oh, erm... you won't forget that booking, Gloatbridge?" "The Hampshire Buttery, for two, at 9." "The Camellia Room, for two, at 9." "Very well, sir." "And number 13 Down is "Cleopatra's needle"." "Good evening, madam." "Good evening, sir." "Good evening, sir." "Good evening." "Madam." "Good evening." "May I take your coat?" "Thank you." "Good evening." "There we are." "Shall we go in?" "Oh, yes." "Yes?" "Palfrey." "Yes?" "Table for two." "I'm sorry, no table is free." "Good evening, my lady." "Good evening." "Number 27." "I thought you said you'd booked." "Yes, I did." "Erm, excuse me, I booked." "Oh?" "Erm, Palfrey." "Henry Palfrey." "Well, there's no one here of that name." "Palfrey." "P-a-l-f-r-e-y." "My chief clerk booked it for me." "May I see that list?" "If you please, sir." "He must've have booked at another restaurant." "Maybe if you gave him something." "Yes, of course." "Erm... do you think, perhaps, you... might have another look?" "And what did you say the name was, sir?" "Palfrey." "We have a Mr. Poultry, here, sir, table for two at 9 o'clock." "That's me, Mr. Poultry." "Ha ha!" "9 o'clock, Henry Poultry." "Unfortunately, sir, it's now 9:15, and tables aren't held beyond the booked time." "You can wait." "I'll see what I can do for you of course." "But look!" "There's a table over there." "How discerning you are, madam." "But you see, it's that gentleman's table." "Hail, good innkeeper!" "Hello, Sam." "Thank you, sir." "Rose." "Good evening, Mr. Delauney." "Evening, Skinner." "Hello, Ray!" "Oh, hello, er..." "Palfrey." "Hello, hello, hello." "Where did you find this lovely creature?" "Oh, we met quite by accident, as a matter of fact." "I was trying to catch a bus and April was... well, do the decent thing, old chap." "Fellow club members and that sort of thing." "Yes, of course." "Mr. Raymond Delauney, Miss April Smith." "What a romantic name." ""Oh, to be in England now that April's here."" "How do you do?" "How do you do?" "You two chaps finished dinner already?" "We haven't even started." "We can't get a table." "Oh, fiddle-dl-diddle." "Skinner, my guests." "Certainly, sir." "Now, tell me, you lovely creature... oh, Palfrey, look after skinner, this chap." "Thank you, Mr. Delauney." "N. Oh!" "I'm so sorry, I beg your pardo" "sir." "Oh, later, later." "We'll order the wine first." "I always feel that the food should be chosen to suit the wine rather than the other way, don't you?" "Here you are." "Thank you very much." "Erm... number 93 looks... that little vineyard in the Loire Valley, across the river from Pouilly." "Carcajanette?" "That's it." "The '49, of course only if all the 47's gone." "Very good, sir." "Merci." "Number 93 looked pretty good to me." "Really?" "Carcajanette isn't expensive, it's an honest little wine, especially if it's allowed to breathe for a while, unless, of course, the grapes have had too much of the" "Dordogne wind in which case they have a tendency to sulk." "I think you'll like it" "I'm sure I will." "And now for the fodder." "Monsieur." "Monsieur." "Ah, splendid." "Shall I order for all of us?" "Oh, yes, please do." "Thank you, but I'd like to see what there is." "Waiter!" "What is "tortue nicoise"?" "Fried turtle." "The brain of the calf." "The liver of the chicken." "The legs of the frog." "The hoof of the mountain goat in jelly." "Tomatoes." "Perhaps you had better order for all of us." "Thank you." "Waiter." "Tell the chef Mr. Delauney would like to see him." "Oui, monsieur." "I simply gritted my teeth to hide the excruciating pain and played the next three sets on strategy, determination, and one leg." "How wonderful." "Isn't that wonderful, Henry?" "Mm, wonderful." "I play a fair game of tennis myself, you know." "Oh, do you...?" "Oh, yes, I remember once... yes, he does." "Very fair game." "As a matter of fact, you can see it for yourself." "Palfrey, why don't you invite our little lady to see you play for the club on Saturday?" "Could I?" "Erm... well, the fact is they seem to have decided..." "Oh, yes, I did hear something about that." "Hard cheese, old boy." "They say Walter has improved enormously." "Still, there's no reason why our little lady shouldn't see you play." "Why don't you and I have a go?" "I'm not playing for the club either... the old leg, you know." "Well, if your leg's still troubling you... oh, no, it's really quite all right for a friendly game." "We mustn't let a minor thing like that deprive April the pleasure of seeing you play, must we?" "Just don't tell Sir Humphrey." "My doctor." "Three o'clock?" "And you must both consider yourselves to be my guests afterwards." "Your guests?" "Oh, I insist." "It's only fair seeing that I've been your guest this evening." "We'll wait for you in the lobby." "Sorry." "My gloves, please." "Thank you." "Yes, erm... yes, well, er..." "thank you very much." "Good night." "Taxi, sir?" "Erm, no, no, erm... no, thanks." "I thought you might like to take a little stroll." "Ha ha." "So nice out tonight." "Yes, of course." "I'd like to offer you both a lift, but I've only got a two-seater." "That's the most wonderful car I ever saw." "The new Bellini 3.6." "I could offer one of you a lift." "No, thanks." "We'll walk." "Pity, nice night for a drive, wind through the hair, all that sort of thing." "Yes, well, good night, Delauney." "Good night, Mr. Delauney." "It's been so nice meeting you." "The earth shook tonight." "You know, I've often thought of buying a car, but... well, then I think, silly, really." "Buses and undergrounds and... taxis, erm... buses, and things." "Yes, I suppose it would be a bit silly, really." "I say!" "I just had a brilliant idea." "Why don't I pick up our young lady and drive her to the club tomorrow?" "Save her the bus fare." "That won't be necessary." "you're in the book?" "Uh-huh." "2:30?" "Delauney!" "Don't mention it old chap, anytime." "Splendid!" "She takes to the eye, doesn't she?" "She certainly does." "May I try the horn?" "Certainly." "Dudley, gentleman would like to try the horn." "The horn?" "Oh, yes, certainly, sir." "Yeah, it should give them a fair warning." "Ha ha ha!" "Beautiful tone, mellow, more mellow than anything." "I've got a temporary flex in there." "It's not really wired for excessive use." "Oh, yes, one of the old-type exhaustible horn, runs on the helical friction principle." "Oh, what's that?" "Too complicated to explain." "I mean either you know, or you don't." "Is she fast?" "Is she fast?" "Timed around Silverstone, 112.73 miles per hour, and yours truly at the wheel." "And I drove her from Doncaster to Newport, Monmouthshire, in 2 hours 17 minutes." "That's an average of over 70 per." "Oh, but that's impossible." "Not with the four-litre Swiftmobile, twin ohc, you know." "The pioneers of hemispherical combustion chambers, these people." "Well, name me one manufacturer what brought it out previous." "Oh, well, I don't really know." "What year is she?" "With this sort of car, age is really of no account." "Between you and me, she's a little late for my taste." "If I didn't know the car, I'd have my doubts." "1922 was a really big year." "Erm, how about spares?" "Ha ha ha." "Spares?" "You never need them, my man." "Well, is the company still in existence?" "They went out of business because they were too good." "You'd never find this kind of quality in a company that survived the depression." "Never." "Never!" "Never!" "Well, I was toying with the idea of buying a new Bellini." "Can't get them into the country, old boy." "The Bellini's a good motor if you have Bellini mechanics around, but is it worth the hard cash you have to lay out?" "No!" "Now, with the old Swiftmobile, she may lose a few inches in sheer getaway, but open her up on the great west road and you have that lovely soothing roar that will... how can I call it, that swish of wind," "that beautiful gentle yell of the old type of high-point bevel transmission." "When you drive her, you know she's there." "I mean, take that gearbox." "You get the coarse rasp as you change down, and then the familiar deep-throated grind as you move away." "And a real wonder, the brake snatch adjusted really hard... not hard, Dunstan, solid." "A really solid drive." "What are you asking for her?" "Dirt cheap, a sacrifice, sir." "Can't be repeated." "The property of a maharaja." "The, er, Maharaja of..." "Fawzigadore, nephew of the cricketer." "Erm, what are you asking for her?" "We had new wheels made to fit all the tyres." "Look at the stuff that's gone into that, sheer metal." "Yes, but what are you asking for her?" "Well, we're just getting down to that." "Actually, we're selling it at a loss." "We spent 750 nicker on her." "Pounds, Dudley." "Pounds." "Oh, but that means... not necessarily." "We like our cars going to good homes, like dogs." "So we're prepared to sell at the ridiculous figure of... 725 pounds." "Oh, I couldn't possibly." "715, making 715 pounds." "I'm sorry." "Ah, you're weakening, you've fallen in love with her, like we did at the start, remember?" "Remember?" "Oh ho ho ho." "700." "Well... 695 guineas and that's the rock bottom." "All right." "Done." "Start the car up for the gentleman, Dunstan." "Yep." "Make the check out to bearer if you don't mind." "And please don't cross it, sir it confuses our books." "May the 21st." "Hmm?" "Oh, yes." "There we are." "Thank you very much." "Thank you, sir." "Well, she's all yours." "Here's the logbook hop in." "Oh, thank you." "Now, there's one point to remember." "Don't hang on to the gear lever after you've changed." "She is liable to kick back." "Don't worry about your exhaust fumes, it's quite normal." "And when you apply the foot brake, it is advisable to apply the handbrake as well." "And the floorboards work on the pivot principle." "It's liable to give you a star when you're not used to it." "Oh!" "Ha ha." "Well, thank you both very much indeed." "Bon voyage!" "See you again!" "I say, I'm frightfully sorry I'm late, April." "Oh, that's all right." "It's very pleasant sitting out here in the sun." "That's all settled." "Shall we play?" "Erm, yes, of course." "Could I drive you home after the game, April?" "Drive?" "I have a surprise for you." "You haven't bought a car?" "Mm." "Get a move on." "Er, yes, of course." "Erm, would you care to come down with us?" "Mm-hm." "Thank you." "Call." "Rough." "Smooth." "I'll take this end." "No need to change, is there?" "All right." "My serve, then." "I'm afraid I am a bit out of practice." "So am I." "Would you like 15 start or shall we play level?" "Level!" "Good luck." "No partisanship, little lady." "Wish Palfrey good luck too." "Aren't you standing rather close to the net?" "No, it's my game." "I move back for the second." "All right." "Hard cheese!" "Aren't you going to move back a bit?" "No, I've changed my mind." "Hard cheese!" "Love-15." "Hard cheese!" "Out, but I'll take it." "Hard cheese!" "Good shot." "What is it?" "Love-30." "Didn't deserve it." "Rotten stroke." "Hard cheese!" "Oh." "Hard cheese!" "Love-40." "Service." "Ready." "Out!" "Hard cheese!" "Oh!" "So sorry." "Oh, I say, smashing cricket stroke." "Well, that's... one-love." "Sure you wouldn't like that handicap?" "No!" "Were you ready?" "Not really." "Ready now?" "Right." "Good shot, Henry." "Thank you, April." "Oh!" "Oh!" "Hard cheese!" "15-love." "Ready?" "Right!" "Were you ready?" "Did you say yes?" "Yes!" "30-love." "Pretty spin you put on them." "No, not really." "Court's a bit uneven." "Oh!" "My game." "And set." "Sorry to keep you waiting, dear girl, but we had to get our friend Palfrey here patched up a bit." "Ready to go?" "Yes, erm, shall we go?" "Of course, your new car." "I didn't think you'd get one so soon, Henry." "Ha ha ha!" "What on earth's that?" "Looks like a Polish stomach pump." "Let's go and look at it." "What sort of an idiot would drive a thing like this?" "Yes, what sort of an idiot..." "Henry, is this...?" "Oh, no, no, of course not." "I wouldn't be fool enough to buy a car like that." "Well, where is yours?" "Er, well, it doesn't appear to have arrived yet." "I... well, you can't expect Miss Smith to hang around all day, can you?" "Oh, I don't mind waiting." "No, no, no, it doesn't matter." "Delauney is quite right." "You mustn't wait." "But, I..." "no, no, no, I insist, really." "Splendid!" "I know a little place down in the river where we might have a swim." "Do you like swimming?" "Mmm." "Splendid!" "I know a charming little pub where we might have some dinner afterwards." "And that's how it happened." "In fact, that's how everything always happens, and then I saw your advertisement." "Well, what you've just told me amounts to this, that you find yourself constantly in a one-down position to the world in general, and to this young female in particular." "Oh, well, before we go any further," "I think I ought to mention the little matter of fees." "Oh, yes, yes, of course." "Yes, well, these vary, of course, according to the needs of the individual, rates of progress and so on, but in all cases, we ask for a registration fee of 250 pounds, paid in advance, of course." "This fairly substantial sum is the first psychological process we bring to bear on the student to encourage him, to associate himself with..." "with the effort." "It is in fact... well, it's part of the treatment." "I see." "Oh, well, erm..." "I'd better write you a cheque." "I'm sorry I haven't a pen." "It's all right." "That's a very handsome one of yours." "May I see it?" "No, no, no, when you're finished." "Now, I hope you notice that I do not stand hovering over you with a pen ready whenever I want you to sign a document in my favour." "On the contrary, I get you to use your own." "Erm, excuse me." "Could I?" "What?" "The pen." "Well?" "Could I have it back, please?" "Of course." "Sorry." "Ah, you're sorry." "That was lesson number two." "I managed to make you feel apologetic and somehow mean by forcing you into a choice between losing a valued possession or indirectly accusing me of trying to steal it." "You see?" "I see." "Yes." "Good, good." "Well, Mr. Palfrey, I think you're about ready to start the course in earnest." "Let me see now." "Yes, you are just in time for the Partymanship class." "Good afternoon, Palfrey." "Good afternoon." "Oh, erm, thank you for the tea." "Now, one of the basic areas in which a Lifeman must put his Lifemanship into play is the social gathering, or, as it's sometimes called, the party." "Sooner or later during the party, one person begins to dominate." "That person must be you." "Does anybody know an amusing story?" "I do, sir." "Good." "Well, suppose this were a party, and suppose that dingle here has been having rather a success with his font of amusing stories." "What would the Lifeman do?" "Leave and go to another party." "No, Fleetsnod." "The true Lifeman would rather die first." "He stops the flow." "To demonstrate..." "Dingle, tell us your amusing story." "Well, there was this chap, had a bit too much to drink, if you know what I mean." "Well, sir, he finds himself walking home with one foot on the curb and one foot on the road." "Looks down and says," ""My word, that's funny." "When I left home this morning," ""they were both the same length!"" "Very good, Dingle." "Most amusing." "Where did I leave my pipe?" "Sir!" "I'm most terribly sorry." "I'd no idea." "It's quite all right, Dingle." "You couldn't have known about this old war wound of mine, could you?" "No, sir." "Feeling bad, Dingle?" "Feel like telling another story, Dingle?" "You see, gentlemen, the flow has been stopped." "Out!" "Now, what's your move?" "Did you say in or out, sir?" "Well, I thought it was out." "But would you care to have it again?" "No, just in future, would you kindly state in a loud and clear voice whether the ball is in or out?" "Hmm, you're getting it, Palfrey." "Now, suppose you are completely outclassed, and your one chance is in taking your opponent's eye off the ball, and keeping it off." "Go on." "Let's see what you do." "Hmm?" "Right." "I'm so sorry." "Ha ha." "Sweaty hands." "Is it bleeding much?" "Let us assume that Proudfoot here has made a break of 8 and looks as if he is going on to make 8 more." "Erm, would you mind?" "Just a minute." "That's better." "Are they bothering you at all?" "Who?" "Dingle and Brazier?" "I'm sorry." "Go ahead." "Shhh." "Bad luck, Proudfoot." "Four to me." "You mean you do your own cooking?" "Oh, yes, and washing-up and all that." "Well, it's quite fun, really." "Henry?" "Mm-hm?" "You have a hole in your sock." "Oh, I'm afraid I'm not very good at darning yet, but I'm learning, you know." "Oh, poor Henry!" "It's not right for you to do your own washing and cooking." "I wish I could come and do it for you." "Oh, I do wish you would." "How would tomorrow evening suit?" "That's fine, Mr. Palfrey, fine you're ready to move on to the next class." "Thank you, Mrs. Grimmet." "Well, Palfrey, having used various ploys with which you are now familiar, let us imagine that here she is alone with you in your flat." "Her little heart a-flutter and a-tremble." "What then is your next move?" "Well, we have a little gadget here, which we developed in our early days at Yeovil." "Ah, there it is." "What your follow-through might be is no concern of mine." "However, it has two serious disadvantages." "First, it smacks a little of impatience, hmm?" "And secondly, it is by no means inexpensive." "So, except for our wealthier and less patient students, we recommend a subtler and more economic ploy." "Well, now, I'll try to give you an example of what might happen if luck is on your side." "You offer her a drink, which we'll assume she accepts." "A reasonable assumption." "So, let's imagine that this glass is filled to the brim with some refreshing liquid, having made sure that the part she is going to hold it by has been treated so that it is very, very slippery indeed." "Why?" "Because, Palfrey, we are hoping for the best of all possible accidents." "Barbara." "Ooh!" "Ha ha ha!" "Palfrey, your luck is in, look, it has worked." "The glass has slipped out of her hand and she spilt the stuff all down her dress." "You, of course, are frightfully upset, but the main point is that you cannot let her stand around with a wet dress on now, can you, hmm?" "No, of course you can't, so being a gentleman, you offer her your dressing gown while her dress is drying, and that I think places you quite definitely one up, if not more." "According to just how much of a gentleman you are." "Well, Palfrey, the dressing gown!" "Palfrey, the dressing..." "Palfrey!" "Hmm?" "Oh, er, yes, dressing gown." "Well, gentlemen, having delivered myself of these qualified congratulations, I think you are now ready to move on to the second phase of our work." "From the theory to the practice of Lifemanship, or, as we say here at Yeovil, to the field trials." "Each of you in turn will now proceed to the archives room where you will find photographic records of all known anti-Lifemen, and from these you will select your opponents, and, under the guidance of an instructor," "proceed into the outside world there to cross swords with them." "Come along, Palfrey, you first." "It's him, that bloke we sold the Swiftmobile to." "What?" "Is he alone?" "He's got the car with him." "I say, sir." "Yours?" "Yes, yes." "Do you mind if I look inside?" "Thanks." "There we are." "How about that for an engine, eh?" "Marvellous job." "He's waving to us." "No, he isn't." "He's shaking his fist." "the, erm... when you get round the other side, look as if you're making me an offer, will you?" "Anything you say." "come and have a look at the altimeter." "I don't suppose you'd part with her, eh?" "Ah ha ha, no, no, no, no." "I've had so many offers for this car, I can't tell you." "But I'm not selling." "Do you mind if I, er...?" "No, no, no, help yourself, by all means, have a good look around." "Good morning, chaps." "Thought I'd bring the old girl back to show you." "We never guaranteed anything." "No, you can't touch us." "We're insured." "What did you say you got out of her?" "112?" "I never said anything." "Dunstan let her out." "He's not good at figures." "I had her up to 115." "What?" "On Western Avenue." "Easy." "Raced a brand-new Jag all the way from Northolt to Ealing." "You know, I honestly believe you chaps don't know what that car really is." "She's a Swiftmobile 1924." "You really believe that?" "Yeah." "I mean you had no idea what it was you were selling me?" "Always collects a crowd, she does." "She's not a Swiftmobile 1924." "She's one of the Swiftmobiles, 1925, a supercharged Ravalli model." "Oh, superficially, like a run-of-the-mill '24," "I grant you, but, ha ha, one look at the valve seats... didn't tell you, Dunstan?" "I don't get it." "Will you talk English?" "Of course, I had a bit of trouble with her at first." "You chaps have been trying to run her on ordinary petrol." "She takes a petrol-meths mixture like the old Borottis." "And then the multi-hydro nuts on the brakes were all oiled up and the special two-way camshaft was bent." "Ha!" "No wonder the steering was all to pieces, ha!" "So, I've had her stripped right down and... well, now I reckon that car is practically priceless." "In fact, I've already been offered almost three times what I gave for her by brassy digger." "The racing driver?" "He had her on the track at Silverstone, lapped at 121.7." "I said to Dunstan." "Didn't I, Dunstan?" "I said, "I'd like Mr. Palfrey to have that car, because he'll know how to handle her, he'll appreciate her." "Yes, that's right, that's why we let you have her cheap." "We like our motorcars to go to good homes, like dogs." "Brassy is coming around here, as a matter of fact, to see if you can try and get him one." "Oh, I told him it was absolutely useless." "Only 6 of them ever made." "Well, you know him, when he's set his heart on a thing, he is prepared to pay... oh, anything." "Mind you, once you've driven a car like that," "Well, you have driven it." "There's no getting away from it." "and what an experience it is." "Well, I must be getting along." "Wait a minute, Mr. Palfrey, don't be in a rush." "I've been thinking about that car." "It is a shade big for town work." "Oh, I don't know." "Yes, that's right, sir that'll be more for a racing driver, like Mr. Digger." "I was saying to Dunstan, wasn't I, Dunstan?" "You were, Dudley?" "I was saying I'm worried about Mr. Palfrey having that car." "I'm worried about him parking it in town." "I'm worried about him being stopped for speeding." "I mean, have you tried driving her under 40, that's all I am asking, have you tried?" "Yes, you want something smaller." "Well, I mean, something like this for instance." "More your type of thing altogether." "We can do a straight swap, nothing in the books." "You're not seriously suggesting" "I should trade a Swiftmobile for one of those." "New one, mind you." "Ex-works." "No, no, Dunstan, complete with engine." "Oh, come, gentlemen." "Why, I could sell it to Brassy myself." "Ah, a new car and 10 pounds." "Guineas." "A new car and a 100 guineas would be nearer the mark." "It's a deal." "Do you want it in cash?" "Now, don't rush me." "I shall probably finish up by doing something I regret." "Maybe she is a bit large for town." "Cash, did you say?" "Cash." "It's a deal." "Done!" "Dunstan, open the door for the gentleman." "Thank you." "There we are." "And believe me, sir, you've made a very shrewd move." "Excellent!" "The ignition key." "Thank you." "Log book's in the pocket." "Thank you, gentlemen." "Give my regards to Brassy when you see him, and don't forget!" "One of petrol, two of meths." "It's all theirs now, sir." "Make them an offer." "I'm sorry, sir, this car is not for sale." "Oh, lucky I'm not interested." "Make yourself comfortable." "Mr. Gloatbridge, could you come in here for a moment, please." "Unusually early this morning, Mr. Henry." "You know very well the mail isn't sorted until..." "I'm not interested in the mail." "Would you kindly come in here and bring the cash ledger with you?" "Yes, Mr. Henry." "You just talk a lot of high finance and figures." "Come!" "Some figures, you know." "Thank you." "...of capitalisation..." "just one moment." "12 and a half?" "12 and a half is very reasonable, I should say." "About 2.7, very well done." "Right." "Ha ha." "Ah!" "Er, cigarette, Mr. Gloatbridge?" "I haven't smoked for 10 and a half years." "No?" "I've practically given it up myself, but I still find it helps me at, erm... difficult moments." "You sure you won't change your mind?" "No, thank you, Mr. Henry." "Gloatbridge." "What would you think about a merger with ACI?" "A merger, sir?" "With the biggest firm in the city?" "Mr. Henry, you can't be serious." "Probably nothing will come of it." "I haven't decided yet." "But I've been having some discussions on a very high level" "These few weeks I've been away" "Sir John Carruthers, the chairman of ACI seems very keen." "I can only say, Mr. Henry, that I don't think your uncle would've been very keen." "My uncle, Gloatbridge, being dead, is hardly in a position to express an opinion, nor is he in full possession of the facts." "May I see that ledger?" "Really, Mr. Henry, I always understood that no major policy decisions would be taken without consulting me." "I've been with this firm for 32 years now, and that's a very long time." "32 years." "Have you really?" "That is indeed as you say a very long time, Gloatbridge, perhaps almost..." "Oh, well, may I see the ledger?" "Thank you." "Just get me last year's as well, would you?" "Yes, Mr. Henry." "Not bad, not bad at all." "I liked the merger idea, and I also enjoyed the suggestion that I was" "Sir John Carruthers." "Though the Chairman's name happens to be Abe Spoonforth." "I see you can't use kid gloves with a man like Gloatbridge." "I suppose, you know, there's an obvious move now." "I know." "A slight addition... here?" "Well, of course." "Thanks to your interpolated accountancy class." "Ah." "Erm, Gloatbridge," "I may be wrong, but... just check that total for me, would you, please?" "Yes, of course." "Don't hurry." "Take your time." "That's very odd, I..." "I seem to make it... 283?" "I-I-I can't understand it." "But the total entered here is... 273." "In your handwriting, I believe." "Correct me if I'm wrong." "But there must be some mistake." "I've never made an error like this in all the years that I have been with..." "Never mind, Gloatbridge, we're all of us human after all." "I'm not going to suggest that should check the figures daily." "I still have confidence in you." "I want you to understand that." "But I think perhaps that I should keep a firmer grip on the financial side of the business in future." "Would you agree?" "Oh, yes, of course, Mr. Henry." "But I feel I ought to apologise I don't quite know what to say." "Don't worry, Gloatbridge." "Cigarette?" "Oh, thank you, sir." "Now, about this projected merger, erm, don't mention it to the rest of the staff." "If it happens, it might mean, erm... changes." "I quite understand, Mr. Henry." "Ah, yes." "Now, I must phone ACI." "Give me a line, would you, please?" "Thank you." "Hello, ACI?" "Boardroom, please." "Hmm?" "Oh, it's you, Delauney." "Oh, I'm so sorry." "Henry Palfrey here." "Oh, that stupid girl on the switchboard told me it was the ACI call." "No, no, just a moment." "There was something I wanted to talk to you about." "Ah, yes, are you free for a return match on Saturday?" "Gloatbridge." "Right, thank you, thank you." "Hmm?" "Yes, I suppose I am a glutton for punishment." "Yes, yes, do." "That's very kind of you." "I've never ridden in a Bellini." "No, don't worry." "I'll be ready." "Quarter to 3." "Goodbye." "What's up with the boss this morning, Mr. Gloatbridge?" "Mr. Henry and I have been discussing important policy matters at a very high level." "I am not at liberty to say any more." "Oh, Gloatbridge!" "Mr. Henry." "We'll go into that little matter in greater detail tomorrow." "Yes, of course, Mr. Henry, certainly." "Anything you wish... good morning, sir." "Miss." "Stevens, fetch me all the ledgers for the past five years." "Miss." "Wilson, bring me up the adding machine and..." "Appleby, get me a cup of tea." "Hello!" "What're you doing here?" "What am I doing here?" "We said quarter to 3, didn't we?" "Quarter to... oh, my dear fellow." "I'm so sorry." "I forgot all about it." "I'll be down in a flash." "Don't be long, we're picking April up on the way." "April?" "April who?" "Miss April Smith!" "All right, down in a minute." "Coming!" "On guard!" "So sorry, old man." "At last." "Come on." "I say, what a beautiful day." "For pete's sake, hurry up." "We're late for April already." "Oh, don't worry, she won't be ready." "You know women." "Ha ha!" "Ooh!" "I've forgotten something." "What?" "Er, my shoes." "I won't be a moment, won't be a moment!" "Here we are." "All present and correct." "Get in." "Oh, just a moment." "What is it now?" "My racquet." "Er, hang on." "Um." "Did I leave it at the club or is it upstairs under the bed?" "Under the bed?" "!" "I better go and look just to make sure." "Look, get in, you can borrow mine." "But what are you going to do?" "I've got two." "But I can only play with a 16-ounce, and I know your old one is... well, you can use my new one." "Get in!" "Well, that's very decent of you old boy." "Thank you very much." "I say, you did see that light, didn't you?" "I saw the light perfectly." "You did say April Smith, didn't you?" "Yes, I did." "Has she moved?" "Why?" "Well, if she's still in Oakshades Avenue, you've taken the wrong turning." "The quickest way was to take the last turning on left, then first right over the railway bridge." "Are you sure?" "Yes, honestly." "It takes minutes off it." "I should turn around if I were you." "Here." "No, wait a moment." "Better still, go left then left again." "There?" "Wait a moment." "Hang on." "The second... no, no, no, no, the third on the right, here." "That's it." "I think." "Turn right." "Mind that tree!" "A tree in the middle of the road." "Are you sure you know the way?" "Positive." "Turn right, then bear left at the waterworks." "That's it, yeah." "I say, I'm terribly sorry." "I... sorry?" "Trouble is I'm only used to this shortcut after dark." "After dark!" "?" "By the way, did I say turn left at the waterworks?" "Yes, you did." "Oh, I'm a fool" "I meant right." "Why couldn't you keep your ruddy mouth shut and let me go my way?" "But this way is a lot quicker, old chap." "Oh, I say, bad luck." "New paintwork too." "She didn't wait." "Women." "They're all the same." "All that rush for nothing." "I must say I'm looking forward to trying that new racquet." "What on earth was that?" "Can I help, old man?" "It's the exhaust." "Oh, bad luck." "You know, it must've happened when you bashed into that brick wall." "Have you got a piece of string?" "Well, we made it." "No thanks to you." "Whose is that car?" "I haven't seen it here before." "Er, oh, it's mine actually." "Yours?" "Yeah." "What's it doing here?" "Er, oh, I had the racing heads taken off." "I knew you were picking me up anyway, so I asked the garage to deliver it here." "Shall we go?" "Ah!" "We've got court 2, I see." "All right, I'll get some balls you get the racquets." "Aren't you going to change?" "Mmm?" "Oh, only my shoes." "I always think it's a bit pompous to dress up in whites for a friendly game, don't you?" "Oh, I say." "You're putting it on a bit, old man, aren't you?" "Oh, Mr. Delauney." "I was just going to give your court to the General." "It's 3:30, you know." "Sorry, Carpenter." "3:30, sir, see that?" "Sorry, sir." "But Palfrey wasn't quite ready when I made the call for him." "Don't try to put the blame on someone else, sir." "The court was booked in your name and you're 30 minutes late." "That's all I want to know." "Carpenter, Complaints Book." "Thank you very much." "Right, call." "Rough." "Rough it is." "Oh!" "Lucky!" "Side or service?" "Oh, I'll serve." "All right, well, I'll take this side." "You'll have the sun in your eyes." "Well, we're changing, aren't we?" "Huh." "I say!" "Hmm?" "Shut the gate, old man, would you?" "Shut..?" "Is the net all right?" "Mm?" "Er, would you like it a little lower?" "I'm ready." "I say!" "I've just seen the General over there talking to the Secretary." "Do you think I ought to tell him it was my fault we were late?" "No!" "Right." "No!" "Bad luck." "Love-15." "Ha, ha, ha, ha." "Oh, bad luck!" "Love-30." "Have it again." "It was out!" "Well, I honestly couldn't see." "The sun was in my eyes." "Could quite easily have been in." "Have two more." "It was out!" "All right." "Oh!" "Oh, bad luck!" "Awfully good serve, though." "Love-40." "Hard cheese!" "One-love." "I say, this is a wonderful racquet." "Your service." "Fault!" "Sorry." "But yours was in." "Was it?" "I thought it was a fault." "It was well in." "Well, I couldn't see." "I'd have thought you'd have shouted if it was in." "Oh, have it again." "Oh, no, no, no." "I couldn't have got your return anyway." "Love-15." "Have it again." "No, no, no, honestly." "I insist that you have it again!" "Oh, all right." "Oh, bad luck!" "I feel really bad about that one." "15-love." "I say, old chap, I feel I've got rather an unfair advantage." "I do wish you'd swap racquets." "I'm perfectly happy with the one I've got." "No, no, no, I insist." "After all, this one is yours." "Let me have a shot with that old one." "Ha ha ha." "Gently, now." "Don't know your own strength with that racquet." "15-love." "Hello, April!" "30-love." "April, I can explain everything." "We lost our way and... there's nothing to explain." "You were late and that's that." "Oh, do get on with your game." "Lovely day, Henry!" "Beautiful!" "But, April..." "30-love." "Good shot, Henry!" "40-love." "April, you must listen to me." "I called for Palfrey..." "young man!" "You, sir!" "Are you or are you not using this court for the purpose of playing tennis?" "I booked this court for 4 o'clock, it's one minute to." "40-love." "Oh, nuts!" "And we don't tolerate filthy language in this club, sir." "Match point!" "Ha ha ha!" "Well played, sir!" "Well played!" "Well, shake hands, sir." "Shake?" "Not me, you fool!" "One thing I can't tolerate, a bad loser, unsportsmanlike." "Well played, young man." "Thank you, general." "Best man won." "Thank you, sir." "April, April, let's get this straight, I... you're playing much better today, Henry." "What was the score?" "Oh, just one set to me." "Didn't have time for any more." "I mean the score in games." "Oh, it's not important really." "After all, it was only a friendly game." "It was 6-love." "Now, April..." "Well, thank you, Raymond." "I enjoyed that." "And many thanks for the loan of your racquet." "You mean to say you beat him playing with a borrowed racquet?" "Oh..." "no!" "I mean yes." "Well, not exactly." "But April, I can explain the whole thing." "Raymond, I've already told you there is nothing to explain." "But there is, damn it!" "Language, old man, language." "Ha ha." "Oh, just forgotten the balls." "Erm..." "look, go on, will you?" "Join you in a couple of seconds." "Ha ha." "How well do you know Palfrey, anyhow?" "I beg your pardon." "Well, why is it he only knows the short cut to your house in the dark?" "I haven't the faintest idea what you're talking about." "Congratulations, my boy." "You rather excelled yourself." "In fact you have passed with honours." "Thank you, sir." "It was that changing of the racquets that did it just as he was getting used to the feel of the old one." "Well, I take it you're eager to get after the young girl?" "That's right, sir." "Well, what I am about to do is usually done in more formal circumstances, you understand." "But, fortunately, provisions have been made for it to be done in the field where emergency so dictates." "So, just stand where you are, Palfrey." "Take you hands out of your pockets." "Now then, Henry Palfrey." "By virtue of the power vested in me as founder and principal of the College of Lifemanship at Yeovil, it gives me great pleasure to award you this Certificate of Lifemanship." "Now, bend your head." "Umm?" "Bend your head, Palfrey." "There, that's all, my boy." "Congratulations." "Thank you very much indeed, sir." "Nonsense, my boy." "You deserve it." "As a matter of fact, I've never said this to a student before, but I was wondering if you'd consider giving up this girl, and instead joining me at Yeovil." "Oh, that's terribly flattering, sir, and don't think I don't appreciate it but..." "I'm afraid not, sir." "No, I didn't think so." "Well, up and at her, Palfrey." "Yes, sir." "One last piece of advice, Palfrey." "I take it it's your intention to go out there and lock horns with this other fellow about driving the girl home." "Well, I was going to go... umm." "Once you've got your opponent on the ropes, surely you're in the perfect position for calling into play the calculated indifference ploy." "Best summed up by a paraphrase of the old nursery rhyme," ""leave her alone and she'll come home," ""wagging her tail behind her."" "You really think the neglected gambit is the one to use?" "Old, tried and true." "I've just had a thought, sir." "What if she doesn't like me?" "Well, that's a detail." "Some of the most successful marriages are made up of people who scarcely talk to each other." "Well, good luck, Palfrey." "Thank you very much, sir." "Three guineas, please." "Three guineas?" "Well, we use only the best parchment." "Oh, yes." "Really, my dear, it isn't necessary for you to try to make me jealous." "I'm quite your devoted slave as it is." "Raymond, I've already told you." "I was not trying to make you jealous." "You're a dear little storyteller." "I absolutely adore you." "What have you done to your car?" "I had a bit of an accident, actually." "Were you hurt?" "No, it shook me up a bit." "It put me off my game, I'm afraid." "Raymond, I'm so sorry." "I... ah, there you are." "I've asked Carpenter to phone the garage, Raymond." "I said you'd had an accident." "I thought it sounded better." "Better than what?" "Well, it's a bit embarrassing to admit you backed into a wall in broad daylight, isn't it?" "Cheers." "Aren't you coming with us?" "Oh, ho, ho, no." "Two's company, you know." "Dear sweet girl, do you realise how close you came to suffering the consequences of your little game?" "Mm?" "He might have accepted and we should have been stuck with him." "What are you...?" "Now, don't worry, little kitten" "I would've saved you and got rid of him." "Saved me?" "And let that be a lesson to you, my sweet." "You mean...?" "Now, just a minute." "In the first place," "I am not your sweet." "Oh!" "In the second place, despite what you might think," "I genuinely meant that invitation and I'd have been delighted had he accepted." "In the third place, I have never met such a smug, self-centred, conceited... and in the fourth place, good-bye." "Oh, Mr. Delauney, the garage people will be here shortly." "Who is that man?" "He's not a member, is he?" "Oh, no, sir." "He came in today as a guest of Mr. Palfrey's." "What?" "Are you sure?" "Oh, yes, sir." "As a matter of fact," "I saw them behaving in the most peculiar manner on the croquet lawn just now, sir." "Really?" "Thanks." "Where to?" "Anywhere." "I should think you could use a drink, couldn't you?" "Yes, I could." "Thank you." "Oh, that smug, conceited... boor?" "Yes, boor." "Follow that bus!" "I should change before we go out for that drink, shouldn't I?" "Do you mind if we stop off at my place for a moment?" "Of course not." "There we are!" "Look, this may sound a bit Victorian, but... if you'd prefer to stay here, I'd quite understand." "You are sweet, Henry." "Look, why don't we have that drink in your flat?" "Fine!" "There we are." "Oh, Henry!" "How nice and cosy." "Thank you." "Erm, sit down?" "Thank you." "Now, then." "What's it to be?" "Whiskey?" "Fine." "Good." "Soda?" "Please." "Cheers!" "Thank you." "Oops!" "Ooh!" "Oh, I am sorry." "Oh, look at the sofa." "Never mind my sofa, what about your dress?" "It's terrible." "I'm awfully clumsy you can't very well sit around like that, can you?" "Erm..." "I know." "Just a minute." "There." "Now, why don't you pop into that and I'll dry your dress in front of the fire?" "Oh, I really don't think I ought... then, you can tell your uncle Henry all about it." "Uncle Henry?" "Yes, well, I suppose I better had." "Good." "Give me a shout when you're ready." "You are kind and thoughtful, Henry." "Mrs. Stringer?" "Henry Palfrey here." "When you have a free moment, could you pop up here, please?" "Thank you, Mrs. Stringer." "You can come in now!" "Splendid!" "Now, then." "We'll just pop these things on the chair in front of the fire." "They should be dry in no time at all." "That's it." "How do you feel?" "Fine, thanks, uncle Henry." "Good." "Let's get you another drink, shall we?" "First to Yeovil, please." "Ah!" "There we are!" "Now, then." "How do you feel?" "Much more comfortable." "This was a very good idea, uncle Henry." "Cheers." "Cheers." "Ah!" "Oh, that's much better." "Mm?" "Henry, your socks." "So... oh!" "Oh, dear!" "Oh, oh, actually, I usually manage pretty well, but..." "Look, I must come in one day and mend it." "Who's that hmm?" "Oh, I haven't the faintest idea." "Ah, I say, this is a bit awkward now I come to think of it." "Yes." "You being here alone in a man's flat, wearing his dressing gown, guzzling whiskey." "Yes, it is." "You've got your shoes off too." "Better hide." "Um... quickly." "In here." "Won't be a moment." "Ah, Mrs. Stringer." "I come up as quick as I could, Mr. Palfrey." "What is it?" "Well, I'm afraid it was a mistake, Mrs. Stringer." "Mistake?" "But only just now you telephoned down and asked me to come up." "Yes, well, I thought I was going to need you but I've been able to manage myself." "Telephoning down and then changing your mind." "I suppose you think that's fun for me, to run up five flight of stairs." "You know I wouldn't dare opera the lift in my state of nerves." "I'm very sorry, Mrs. Stringer." "Yes, and I'm sorry too there... ah!" "Come on, Queenie." "Just the porter's wife" "I managed to get rid of her as quickly as I could." "Good." "What is it?" "It's amazing how sexless a woman looks in a man's dressing gown." "Sexless?" "Umm, well..." "shapeless." "Shapeless?" "Mmm." "A little girlish." "I don't know what it is, it makes a man feel protective." "Just protective?" "Well, paternal." "Paternal?" "Well, no." "Perhaps more like a friend." "How good a friend?" "Oh, a good friend." "A very good friend." "A very... very good friend indeed." "No." "What is it?" "Put your dress on." "I'll take you home." "But why?" "What happened?" "Get dressed, please." "Open up!" "I know you're in there." "Let me in." "Let me in, you cad, or I'll call the police." "Open this door, you cad!" "I'll have to let him i n." "You go in there." "I'll get rid of him as quickly as I can and I'll take you home." "Now, come on." "Open the door!" "Open up, I say." "Come on, you bounder." "I know you're in there, you stinker." "Where is she?" "Come on." "I know she is here." "Where is she?" "Will you keep your voice down?" "The neighbours will hear you." "So they should, you spoiler." "Come on." "Where is she?" "She is not here." "Oh?" "These, I suppose, are yours." "April smith, you can come out now." "This is Raymond." "If this means I'm too late, you rotter..." "Am I, kitten?" "No." "You're not too late." "Oh, thank goodness." "Well, now do you see where your little jealousies lead?" "If it hadn't been for my quick thinking, this man... this man?" "This rat." "Let me tell you something about your fine-feathered friend." "Do you know what he did?" "He went to Yeovil, he went to the college of Lifemanship and he learnt all the tricks." "All his dirty rotten tricks." "No, no, no, not tricks, my good man." "Arts, science, philosophy if you like, but... no, no, no, not tricks." "Well, you can call them what you like." "But all they are are dastardly, low down devices designed to pull the wool over the eyes of innocent young things." "Look!" ""Potter's Woo-manship." ""Woo-manship... the art of being one up on women" ""without actually marrying them." ""The uncle ploy for trust and confidence," ""from living room to bedroom in 3 easy moves." ""After the bedroom, what?"" "What indeed?" "Henry, is it true?" "What on earth is the matter with you, man?" "Ploy 64..." "throw yourself on her mercy." "No, Mr. Potter." "It's true, April." "They were tricks." "All tricks." "Ploys, boy, ploys." "Tricks, ploys, what difference does it make?" "That's why I... that's why you stopped, isn't it?" "That's right." "Come, April." "Let me take you away from all this." "I love you, April." "Oh, Henry." "I love you too." "Shhh." "We're witnessing the birth of a new ploy." "No, Mr. Potter." "I love April and I want April to love me." "I do." "I do." "No... not, not sincerity, Palfrey." "Just a minute." "Something's gone wrong." "Stop that I say!" "You can't do this to me." "Kissing." "Well, don't just stand there, Mr. Potter, do something." "Pull yourself together, Palfrey." "We're not alone!" "I do apologise, ladies and gentlemen." "Events seem to have taken a most unfortunate turn." "This sort of calamity we cannot always guard against, even amongst our best students." "You see, once... once sincerity rears its ugly head, well, Lifemanship is powerless." "Stop that music." "Orchestra!" "Orchestra, stop that infernal din!" "Oh, please!" "No." "Forgive me, I must get back to Yeovil."