"ANNOUNCER:" "From Miami Beach, the sun and fun capital of the world, it's the Jackie Gleason Show and his American Scene Magazine." "This portion brought to you by:" "Marlboro cigarettes." "You'll get a lotto like." "Soft pack..." "Or our famous flip-top box." "And here he is, Jackie Gleason." "[CROWD CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]" "Good day." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Thank you." "How sweet it is." "Well, ladies and gentlemen, tonight is a very special occasion." "I have with me two old and very dear friends." "An Carney and Audrey Meadows." "[CROWD CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]" "Also a very fine actress by the name of Anne Seymour." "She's here with us this evening." "We are going to do a musical comedy version of The Honeymooners." "It was written" " Ha-ha." "It was written by Marvin Marx and Walter Stone, and the music and lyrics were written by my very famous and favourite songwriters," "Lyn Buddy and Jerry Bresmr." "[CROWD APPLAUDING]" "It's..." "It's gonna be a very nostalgic evening for me, and I hope a very happy one for you." "A little traveling music, Sam." "[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]" "And away we go!" "CHORUS [SINGING]:" "If you wanna see what heaven is" "Come to Brooklyn, U.S.A." "Where the children laugh and play" "Dodging traffic every day" "There's a push cart vendor calling out To the people passing by" "There's a fella selling pickles" "A pickle for a nickel" "How we rush to buy" "You'll see a sailor there" "Tell his lady fair He's got to sail away" "And little lady fair Doesn't know it" "But he's only going sailing Over Sheepshead Bay" "So forget your cares And come away" "To a world that's bright and gay" "Come to Brooklyn" "Brooklyn, U.S.A." "Shirle meet Earl." "Earl meet Shirle." "And let me tell you, Earl, she's a pearl of a girl." "You'll meet the nicest people Here in Brooklyn town" "Say. he)'" "I thought he'd buy me dinner and some pink champagne." "But instead I got a hot dog and a two cents plain." "You'll meet the nicest people Here in Brooklyn town" "There's always happiness" "Like the gathering of one big family" "There's true togetherness" "Like whenever you go riding On the Coney Island BMT" "So forget your cares And come away" "To a world that's bright and gay" "Have a look in" "See what's cooking" "Come to Brooklyn" "Brooklyn, U.S.A." "[CROWD CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]" " Ah." "Hi, Ralph." " Hi, Darwin." "Say, Ralph, you better get dressed." "Remember, our team bowls first tonight." " I'm going up to get Norton right now." " I was just up there." "Norton ain't home yet." "Leave it to that nut to be late." "Well, just be sure that you get there on time." "Don't worry, I'll be there." "Norton, where are you?" "[CROWD LAUGHING THEN APPLAUDING]" "Looking for me, Ralph?" "I heard my name, oh, master, a magic genie has appeared." "Ha-ha." "I was just in the neighborhood, I thought I'd drop up." "Come on, let's eat fast." "We gotta get to the practice game." "What do you mean practice?" "I've already done my practice." "What do you mean you've done your practice?" "And where?" "In the sewer." "I was working under a fruit market today." "I've been practicing with rotten cantaloupes all day." "Ha-ha." "I got it so it goes straight down Kosciuszko Street, makes a sharp right turn into Flatbush Avenue." "Watch this technique." "[CROWD LAUGHING]" "Uh..." "Pardon me." "What is that stuff?" "Ever tried bowling with a rotten cantaloupe?" "No, but I bowl with a partner who has a few soft spots in his head." "Now, I suppose you're eating with us again tonight?" "Well, if you don't mind, Ralph," "Trixie's still over in New Jersey taking care of her sick mother." "I got a call from her this afternoon." "It looks pretty bad." "Gee, I'm sorry to hear that, Norton." "Her mother's getting worse, huh?" "No, she's getting better." "[CROWD LAUGHING]" "Looks like Trixie might be home any day now." "All right, come on, let's go." "Wait a minute, wait a minute." "I gotta close up the office." "Hey, Bruce, don't forget to lock up!" "[OBJECT THUDDING]" "[CROWD LAUGHING]" "Hi, Smitty." "Got anything for me?" "Yeah." "Here's one, Ralph." " There's one here for you too, Norton." " Oh, thank you, old courier." "Whoops." "Another bill from the Playboy Club." "[CROWD LAUGHING]" "Ah!" " What?" " Norton, it's a letter from the adoption agency." "They're giving me the baby." "Looks like it's coming in a separate cover." "[CROWD LAUGHING]" "Get a load of this, Norton." "It says "you're application for adoption has been reviewed and passed on favorably by the board."" "Do you know what this means?" "Yeah, I'm gonna be an uncle." "Ha-ha-ha." "Boy, I'm gonna have a son." "I'm gonna have a son." "Somebody to carry on the Kramden tradition and the Kramden name." "Well, I know how you must feel, Ralph." "You know, it breaks my heart to think that I may be the last Norton to ever work in a sewer." "[CROWD LAUGHING]" "Do you realize...?" "[MUSIC STARTS PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]" "[SINGING] If you turn 20 page In any book of history" "The Kramden name is there For everyone to see" "Courageous men and patriots Who fought in every war" "And all of them a credit To the famous name they bore" "There were Kramdens in the jungle" "There were Kramdens at the pole" "There were Kramdens Who were expert" "At achieving every goal" "A Kramden was a hero In the winning of the West" "Till they caught him With an extra pair of aces in his vest" " There 'II always be a Kramden" " Kramden" " To glorify the name" " To glorify the name" "When Washington was freezing With his men at Valley Forge" "A Kramden, I am proud to say Was there with General George" "One awful night when all the men Were sleeping in the snow" "Private Kramden took their blankets And he sold them to the foe" " There 'II always be a Kramden" " Kramden" " To glorify the name" " To glorify the name" "When General Custer started out To capture Sitting Bull" "He loaded up supplies Until his wagon train was full" "But seats for all the soldiers Were impossible to find" "So a Kramden was the volunteer Who bravely stayed behind" " There 'II always be a Kramden" " Kramden" " To glorify the name" " To glorify the name" "On the broad Pacific Ocean When the war was at its height" "A Kramden joined the Navy And he fought with all his might" "You can't believe the sight When he returned from overseas" "On this chest he wore a medal From the grateful Japanese" " There 'II always be a Kramden" " Kramden" " To glorify the name" " To glorify the name" " There'll always be a Kramden" " There'll always be a Kramden" " To glorify the name" " To glorify the name" "[CROWD APPLAUDING]" "Alice." "Alice, come here, quick." "[CROWD APPLAUDING]" "Well, what, Ralph?" "Alice, what is the most important news I could possibly tell you in the whole world?" "I give up." "What?" "Hey, wait." "You're gonna flip" " when you hear what Ralph" " Shut up." "This is my news and I'll tell it." "Now, first you better sit down." "Not you, her." "[CROWD LAUGHING]" "All right, Ralph, what is it?" "I repeat, what's the most important news I could possibly tell you in the whole world?" "They condemned the building and we're moving out." "[CROWD LAUGHING]" "Hey, that's pretty good, Ralph." "That's even better than your news." "Ha-ha-ha." " Shut up!" " Ralph, will you hurry it up?" "I have a lot of things to do and I have a meatloaf in the oven." "This is more important than any meatloaf." "Hey, wait a minute, Ralph." "Maybe-- Maybe you could tell her after dinner." "How can you think of eating when I'm gonna have a baby?" "[CROWD LAUGHING]" "Ralph, we're gonna get the baby?" "You'll never guess this in a million years." "[CROWD LAUGHING]" "How did you know we're gonna have a baby?" "Oh, you big dope, you just told me." "I did?" "Well, how about that?" "I'm telling you, I just can't-- I can't believe it." "I can't believe it." "I'm so happy, Rah?"" "I'm gonna have a son." "Oh, boy, I tell you..." "I tell you, I know just how you feel, boy." "I wanna tell you something." "That kid's gonna have a name, a name with importance to it." "A name with power to it, a name with guts to it." " Hey, hey" " I got it." "Ralph Kramden." "[CROWD LAUGHING]" "Hey" " I think that's just perfect, Ralph." "Wait a minute, everybody." "Hold it down." "Ain't that gonna be a little confusing with two Ralph Kramdens in the same family?" "Why should it be confusing?" "My father's name was Ralph." "We never had any trouble in our family." "They just called us Little Ralph and Big Ralph." "Who was your father, Little Ralph?" "Ha-ha-ha." "[CROWD LAUGHING]" "One of these days..." "One of these days, pow, right in the kisser." "[CROWD LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]" "Did they tell you when we're gonna get the baby?" "I was so nervous, I didn't finish reading." " You read it." " Let me see it." "Norton, I wanna tell you something." "That kid's gonna have everything I never had." "But that doesn't mean he's gonna be spoiled." "Oh, you're so right, Ralph." "You know, boy, there's an old expression that I like that sums it up perfectly:" "Spare the rod and spoil the child." "You're absolutely correct." "There's another old saying that I've loved through the years:" "There's a broken heart for every light on Broadway." "[CROWD LAUGHING]" "Now, what has that got to do with it?" "Well, Alice?" "What's the matter?" "Ralph, this just says that our references have been approved, and that everything else has been okayed." "So, what's wrong with that?" "They are sending somebody over here tomorrow from the adoption agency." "They wanna see our home." "They wanna see the kind of environment that the child is gonna be raised in." "So let them send somebody over." "Let them see the environment." "Let them look around." "Let them look around." "Let them look around." "[CROWD LAUGHING]" "We won't get the baby, Ralph." "Now, wait a minute, Alice." "Ralph, I don't know what to say." "I feel almost as bad as you do about losing the baby." "Wait a minute." "I got an idea." "Alice, come here." " We're getting that kid." " But how, Ralph?" "Now, look, they're not getting here till tomorrow." "By that time, we can fix this place up to look like Buckingham Palace." "We'll work all night." " Do you think it will work?" " Certainly it will work." "Now, look, the first thing I want you to do is go next door to Mrs. Manicotti's, and see if she'll lend you those curtains she got from her cousin in Sicily." " Oh, that's a good idea, Ralph." " And another thing, tell the Steinharts we want those dishes." "This is gonna work, Norton." "Of course, it will work, Ralphy boy." "I'll loan you some of my furniture too." "I'll even give you the loan of that antique Chinese highboy I got." "To dress up the place, I'll give you the black leopard with a clock in its stomach." "How about that for a touch, huh?" "[LAUGHS]" "Norton, you're one of the real ones." "[MUSIC STARTS PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]" "[SINGING] Oh, like a can of beer Depends on the brewer" "Like chewing gum Depends on the chewer" "Like everybody counts On the sewer" "YOU can COLIN' OH me" "Like a Chinese dinner Needs fortune cookies" "Like the Yankees and the Mets Need the rookies" "Like the candy store Depends on the bookies" "YOU can COLIN' OH me" "Like if you're up the creek" "And your motorboat springs a leak" "And immediate help you seek" "I'll get there if it takes a week" "Like if you're out to dine" "And the pizzas are extra fine" "Suppose your appetite is failing" "I will lend you mine" "Oh, that's a good note." "Like Miami-o Depends on the weather" "Like togetherness Depends on together" "While a fan dancer Counts on her feathers" "You'll see" "Consequently You can always count on me" "[CROWD LAUGHING]" "We'll be traveling side by side Like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" "Just like Damon and Pythias A wonderful friendship this is" "You're my pal" "You're a tonic for my morale" "As we paddle up life's canal" "It's guys like you who make it swell" "I think you're really great" "And with Norton you'll always rate" "Besides, I know you're influential" "You carry lots of weight" "Lots of weight, lots of weight Lots of weight" "All right with that "lots of weight."" "[CROWD LAUGHING]" "Like a fellow in a jam Needs a brother" "Like a baby in a crib Needs a mother" "Everybody seems to need One another" "Sometime" "Another gem." "You can have my hat, my friend" "Yes, sir." "Hello!" "My coat, my chum My back, my pal" "My boat, my gum" "Anytime you find you're up a tree" "I tell you" " You can always count on me" " You can always count on me" "Amen!" "[CROWD CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]" "[CROWD LAUGHING THEN APPLAUDING]" "Ralph, will you please hurry it up?" "Will you stop telling me to hurry up?" "I'm going as fast as I can." "[CROWD LAUGHING]" "The lady from the adoption agency is gonna be here any minute," " you're not gonna be ready." " I know that just as well as you do." "You got the sandwiches out?" "They're in the refrigerator, Ralph." "Well, she can't eat them in there, put them on the table." "That's exactly what I'm doing, Ralph." "Will you hurry up and get dressed so that you'll have time to come out" " and calm down before she gets here?" " Keep it up, you're going to the moon." "Oh, m)'" "[CROWD LAUGHING]" "Okay, Alice." "I still can't believe it." "I'm gonna have a son." "I know." "It's wonderful, Ralph." "But there's just one thing that bothers me." "Are you sure we're doing the right thing?" "I mean, after all, not one bit of these furniture is ours." "I told you not to worry about that." "Soon as we get the kid, we'll fix the place up for real." "Now, forget about it." "And, incidentally, how do I look?" "Oh." "Oh, you look fine, Ralph." " Just fine." " Thank you." " How do I look?" " Nice." "[CROWD LAUGHING]" "[HUMS]" "Ralph." "Ralph, will you please calm down?" "Let's just sit down here at the table and relax until she gets here." "Oh, if you wanna sit down and relax, we'll relax." "I don't need any relaxing." "Where is that woman?" "[CROWD LAUGHING]" "We've been sitting here for an hour." "And another thing." "As soon as that woman arrives, you're to keep your mouth shut." "You are to close your mouth like that." "I'll do all the talking, you are too nervous." " But, Ralph" " You're too upset." "Don't "Ralph" me." "Now, we don't wanna blow this thing, so you keep your mouth shut," "I'll do all the talking." "[KNOCK ON DOOR]" "Mr. Kramden." "You talk to her, I'm going in the bedroom." "[CROWD LAUGHING]" "Ralph Kramden, you come right out." "[KNOCK ON DOOR]" " Mrs. Kramden?" " Yes." "I'm Miss Lawrence from the adoption agency." "Oh, how do you do?" "[CROWD APPLAUDING]" "Miss Lawrence, I'd like you to meet my husband, Mr. Kramden." "LAWRENCE:" "How do you do, Mr. Kramden'?" "[SPEAKS GIBBERISH]" "[CROWD LAUGHING]" " Won't you sit down, Miss Lawrence?" " Thank you." "How do you like the furniture?" "It's very nice." "Now can we have the baby?" "I'm afraid we don't work quite that fast, Mr. Kramden." "Would you care for a sandwich, Miss Lawrence?" "No, thank you." "Oh, uh..." "Miss Lawrence, how do you like our Frigidaire here?" " It's very nice." "Yeah, we've had it a long time." "Ten years or so." "Ha-ha-ha." "Door opens." "Hey, get a load of that, Alice, when you open the door, the light goes on." "[CROWD LAUGHING]" "Uh..." "Uh..." "Well, are you sure you wouldn't care for a sandwich?" "No, thank you." "Well, I'm afraid you're gonna have to just excuse us, Miss Lawrence, because we're both a little nervous." " Yeah." " Oh, I understand." "Yeah." "[CROWD LAUGHING]" "Now, there are few questions I'd like to ask you." " Yes." " ls there a recreation area nearby?" "Oh, yeah, there's a big pool hall down on the corner." "[CROWD LAUGHING]" "Ralph, I don't think that's what's Miss Lawrence meant." "There's a very nice playground just two blocks away." "It has swings and everything and" "Well, I'm planning to take the baby there every day." " Oh, that will be fine." " Yeah." "Uh..." "So you like the furniture, huh, Miss Lawrence?" "That's the most important thing, ain't it?" "Well, it is important" "[KNOCK ON DOOR]" "Come in." "[CROWD LAUGHING]" "Put a 10-cent piece in." "Hey, hey, he)'" "[GRUNTING]" "Hey" "What happened to the old icebox?" "[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]" "Gee, you fixed the whole place up." "Huh?" "What, are you some kind of a nut?" "You're in the wrong apartment." "Hey, wait a minute, Kramden." "I don't know what's going on here, but if you don't want no more ice no more, pay your bill, $4.80." "Look, Miss Lawrence, this must be boring you." "Why don't you go in the other room and wash up?" "Ha-ha." "Never mind." "I ain't going till I get my money." "Here's your money, Charlie." "Thanks, Miss Kramden." "What did you give him money for?" "We never got the ice, how do we owe him anything?" "It's no use, Ralph." "Oh, I know what you're thinking." "Don't think that I don't know what you're thinking." "I know what you're thinking." "You think we did have an icebox, didn't you?" "You think that none of these furniture is ours." "That I just borrowed it to make an impression on you, huh?" "Just to get the kid." "Huh-uh." "Huh-uh." "Huh-uh." "[CROWD LAUGHING]" "Well, I did." "I suppose you think that's pretty low and pretty cheap to do to get a kid, huh?" "To borrow furniture and lie about everything." "Well, it might be cheap and low, but you don't know how much I want a kid." "You don't know how much I want a baby." "That's why you think it's low and cheap." "Well, I'm sorry if I offended you." "Now, would you mind leaving, my wife and me wanna be alone." "Mr. Kramden," "I don't know what you think we're like down at the adoption agency, but" "Well, certainly, we wanna have our children put in nice homes, but that doesn't mean just furniture." "The important things are love and affection." "And that the parents really want a child." "And, Mr. Kramden, I don't think I've ever been in any home where I've seen a greater desire for a child." "Oh, Miss Lawrence, do you mean that we're going to get our baby?" "Yes, Mrs. Kramden, you'll get your child." "You mean we're really gonna get it?" "Thanks, Miss Lawrence." "You'll be hearing from us soon." " Thank you very much." " Thank you so much." "Miss Lawrence, would you like a sandwich to eat on the subway?" " No, thanks, Mr" " Kramden." " Oh, thank you." "Gee, gee, gee, gee, gee." " Oh, Ralph, we're gonna get our baby." " We're gonna get the kid." "I wonder what he'll look like." "[MUSIC STARTS PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]" "[SINGING] Wouldn't it be something great" "If he were anything at all like you" "Maybe he would do the funny things You do" "The two of you Could be a combination" "Something that could hardly miss" "I don't know what he'll be like" "But I can promise this" "If he has half of your looks" "And some of your smile" "A bit of your wit And a dash of your style" "A gram of your grace" "Your tender embrace" "And possibly a trace Of your fabulous face" "With just a wisp of your ways" "Your way with a phrase" "He'll constantly fill us with joy" "If he has just a touch Of everything I love so much" "He'll be a wonderful boy" "If he has half of your spell" "A spark of your charms" "A tenth of the strength Of your masculine arms" "A touch of your flair" "The curl of your hair" "And possibly a share Of your elegant air" "If he is partly as wise" "And blessed with your eyes" "With maybe a pinch of your poise" "If he is 1 percent" "Of everything you represent" "He'll bring us nothing but joy" "We'll have the happiest" "Handsomest, luckiest boy In the world" "[CROWD CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]" "ANNOUNCER:" "The first half of Jackie Gleason's American Scene Magazine was brought to you by..." "Parliament, a cigarette made a different way." "With a filter that's in, recessed in for flavor." "Parliament." "ANNOUNCER:" "Stay tuned now for the second act of our musical comedy version of The Honeymooners with Jackie Gleason, Art Carney and Audrey Meadows." "ANNOUNCER:" "This portion of Jackie Gleason's American Scene Magazine is brought to you by..." "Chicken of the Sea Tuna." "All prime fillet." "Pressure baked to stay moist and delectable." "Another fine product of Checkerboard Square." "Just wait in here and make yourselves comfortable." "Thank you." "[CROWD LAUGHING]" "Well..." " This is it, Alice." " Oh." "Ralph, I hope I'll be a good mother." "Oh, what's the matter with you?" "You'll be the best mother in the world." "Hey, Ralph, don't forget what you promised me." "Shut up about that." " What did you promise him?" " I didn't promise anything." "What do you mean you didn't promise me anything?" "It'll just be about the biggest day of my life." " Well, what is it?" " He promised me that when the baby is elected president," "I could be at the inauguration." "Just for that, you're not going to the inauguration." "Mr. and Mrs. Kramden, this is your baby." "Oh..." "Oh..." "The doctor will be with you in a moment." "I can't see nothing but blanket." "Oh, Ralph, isn't he a darling?" "Ralph." "Aren't you gonna come look at your baby?" "Uh..." "Alice, he's bald." "[CROWD LAUGHING]" "Ralph, all babies are bald." " They're all bald?" " Yes." "But look at him." "Isn't he a darling?" "Hello there." " Hey, look, he's got your blue eyes." " Uh-huh." "Hey there." "Coochi-coochi--coo." "Will you stop that?" "I'm his father." "If (herds any coochie-coochie-cooing to do, I'll do it." "Coochie-coochie-coo." "[CROWD LAUGHING]" "Oh, Alice, I still can't believe it." "I don't think I'll ever believe I got a son." "Don't worry, Ralph, I think about 3:00 tomorrow morning, you'll get a hint." "Ha-ha-ha." "Hey there, baby." " Now, don't frighten him." " Mr. and Mrs. Kramden." " Oh, hi, doc." " How do you do?" "I see that you're getting acquainted." " Oh, we're so happy, doctor." " Well, when I saw this baby," " I just knew it was for you." " Oh." "Well, doc, we certainly appreciate it." "And I'm gonna take good care of this kid." "He really means that, doc." "Oh, I'd like you to meet my friend, Mr. Norton." " How do you do?" "How do you do?" "Oh, say, doctor, while I got you here, do you mind if I ask you a very important question" " pertaining to the medical profession?" " No, not at all." "Have they discovered any scientific methods for removing tattoos?" "[CROWD LAUGHING]" "Norton, would you mind leaving the room?" "All right, Ralph, but now my mother will have to go through life with an anchor on her arm." "Will you get out?" " The other door." " She was in the Navy." "I don't care if she was in the Navy!" "[CROWD LAUGHING THEN APPLAUDING]" "Don't worry, doc." "That guy is never gonna get near this child." "Well, I suppose you're anxious" " to take your baby home." " Oh, we certainly are." "Say, you know what I'm gonna call him?" " Ralph." " Ralph?" "Yeah, after me." "Well, I hardly think that's an appropriate name for this baby." " This is a girl." " Ah." "Then we'll call him" "[CROWD LAUGHING]" " A girl?" " Yes." "ALICE:" "But, doctor, we thought we were getting a boy." "I don't want any girl, I want a boy." "But, Mr. Kramden, you said in your application that you were so anxious to have a baby, you'd take either sex." "I don't care what I said in the application." "I thought you'd know that I wanted a boy." "I don't want any girl, I want a boy." "Who wants a girl?" "But what difference does it make as long as it's our own?" "It makes a lot of difference." "I want a boy." "Oh, but, Ralph, just look at her." "She's so cute." "I don't wanna look at her." "Well, now, listen." "I don't wanna make you unhappy." "Let me go inside, I'll check my files," " see what I can do." "That's better." "Check your files." "Mrs. Kramden, would you mind staying with the baby until I can send a nurse in?" "Well, if you don't mind, doctor, I..." "I'd really rather not." "[VOICE BREAKING] I mean, as long as we're not gonna take this baby." "[DOOR OPENS]" " Mr. Kramden, would you mind?" " I don't care." "Just get us a boy." "I'll do the best I can." "Thank you." "[BABY CRYING]" "Shh." "Stop your yapping." "Stop your yapping." "Boy, just like all women, always yapping." "[CROWD LAUGHING]" "What are you looking at me like that for?" "I didn't mean anything personal." "You see..." "It's not you." "It would be any girl." "Ahem." "I just happen to want a boy, that's all." "You know?" "I want somebody I can go out and play football with, stickball with in the street." "You couldn't do that, you're a girl." "You'd get hurt." "Heh-heh." "Stop kicking." "You're kicking all the covers off." "You'll catch a cold." "It's another thing about women, you're always catching colds." "[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]" "Heh-heh." "Look at that." "My fingers are almost as big as your wrist." "Hey" "Let go." "Let go." "Heh-heh." "You've got a pretty good grip for a girl." "[BABY COOING]" "[CROWD LAUGHING]" "You think that's funny, huh?" "Ha-ha-ha." "Think that's funny, look at this." "[CROWD LAUGHING]" "You know, you're some kid." "I wanna tell you something, if..." "If I was gonna take a girl" "Mind you, I'm gonna take a boy." "But, ahem, well, if I was gonna take a girl, I'd certainly take you." "[MUSIC STARTS PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]" "[SINGING] Little girl" "Little girl" "What do you look at me Like that for?" "What do you smile at me Like that for?" "What are you trying to start?" "Little girl" "Little girl" "What are you holding out Your hands for?" "Maybe you're making Lots of plans for" "My heart" "Don't think Because you're little fingertips" "Are tender to touch" "They'll ever make me Change my mind about you" "Well, not very much" "Little girl" "Little girl" "I got a funny kind of feeling" "Somebody's gonna think You're stealing" "My heart" "You know..." "You know what's gonna happen to you?" "Someday some rich guy from Park Avenue is gonna come down here." "And he's gonna pick you up." "Oh, he'll look at all the other kids." "But you're the one he's gonna pick up." "And he'll take you home, in a taxi." "Maybe in his own car." "And you'll go to a real great school." "And you'll have nice clothes, nice dresses and hats, shoes and gloves." "And you'll go to nice parties and everything, and have real good and fine friends." "That's what's gonna happen to you." "Little girl" "Little girl" "I got a funny kind of feeling" "Maybe it's just because You're stealing" "My heart" "[CROWD APPLAUDING]" "Well, Mr. Kramden, I have some very good news." "If you're willing to wait for several weeks," " we can find you a boy." " Huh?" "I said I think we can find you a boy." "Who wants a boy?" "I want her." " Mr. Kramden, you said you" " I don't care what I said." "I want her." "Alice." " Alice." " Yes, Ralph?" "Come take a look at our daughter." " Our daughter." " Yeah." "Oh, sweetheart, I thought you wanted a son so you could name him Ralph after you." "Yeah, well, meet our daughter," " Ralphina." " Oh..." "[CROWD LAUGHING]" "Hey, doc, when can we take her home?" "Right now." "She's all yours." " Right now?" "Okay." " Oh, come on." " Alice, do you mind if I carry her?" " Not at all." "Okay." "You carry the box she come in." "Uh-huh." "[CROWD LAUGHING]" " Gee whiz, doc, thank you." " Thank you, doctor." "Thank you very much, doc." "And listen, someday, there's gonna be a bowling champion, and her name's gonna be Ralphina Kramden." "So long, doc." "[CROWD APPLAUDING]" "[MUSIC STARTS PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]" "[SINGING] I'm up on a silver cloud" "I never was quite so proud" "Because of my beautiful girl" "I'm up on a trampoline And suddenly 17" "Because of my beautiful girl" "I listen to angels sing" "I laugh about everything" "My head's in a wonderful whirl" "I've got a brand-new Shiny lease on life" "Being a mother and being a wife" "I guess you know Who brought this change in my life" "My beautiful, beautiful girl" "I never thought I could be So full of vitality" "Because of my beautiful girl" "I wink at the stars above" "I never was so in love" "Because of my beautiful girl" "I feel like a valentine" "Because everything nice is mine" "My head's in a wonderful whirl" "I got a brand-new Shiny lease on life" "Being a mother and being a wife" "I guess you know Who brought this change in my life" "My bundle of fun My wonderful one" "My beautiful, beautiful girl" "[CROWD APPLAUDING]" "Alice, wait till you see what I got the kid." "Oh, Ralph, not another doll." "She already has a doll that walks, a doll that talks, a doll that cries, goes to sleep, curly hair..." " Now, Ralph, what can this doll do?" " It happens that do the Watusi." " Now, wait till you see this." " Ralph, I don't have time now." "I have to run down to Freitag's and get some more baby powder." "While I'm gone, would you just take down the rest of the diapers for me?" " Thank you." " Hello, Ralphina." "[CROWD LAUGHING]" " Oh, say, Ralphy boy." " Oh, hi, Norton." "[BABY CRYING]" "Now, look what you did." "You got the kid crying." "Why don't you sing her a lullaby, Ralph?" "Hey, that's a good idea." "I don't know a lullaby." " Do you know one?" " Yeah." "I know one." "All right, go ahead and sing it to her." "[SINGING] Come on along and listen to" "The lullaby of Broadway" "That's it!" "[BABY CRYING]" "Shh." " Quiet, quiet, quiet." " Maybe she's hungry." "Hey, that's it." "Look in the icebox, see if there's anything to eat." "Yeah." "You got some nice hamburger here." "Are you a nut or something?" "Hamburger?" "She eats steak." "[CROWD LAUGHING]" "Well, there's no steak in here." "How about a nice kumquat?" "[CROWD LAUGHING]" "There's nothing in here but milk." "Well, that's the good for babies." "Bring it out." "Look in the sink, see if there's any nipples." "Nipples." "There's no nipples here, Ralph." "How about this?" "[CROWD LAUGHING]" "Now, what are you gonna do with a rubber glove?" "Well, it's easy, Ralph." "You just pour the milk in the center of the glove here, and then when you get it filled up, then you cut a tiny hole in the middle finger, the same as a nickel." " That's not a bad idea." " Certainly." "Now, pour right in there." "Hey, you know what?" "We could patent this." "It'd be great for mothers with quintuplets." "[CROWD LAUGHING]" "Five at once." "All right, not too much." "There you go." "All right." "Wait a minute." "Now, take it." " Squeeze it now." " I got it squeezed." "Turn it around and squeeze it, so no" " Where's the scissors?" " In the bureau." "In the bureau." " Hold it steady." " I got it steady." "That's it." "[CROWD LAUGHING]" "I'm sorry, Ralph." "I..." "I guess maybe it wasn't such a good idea, huh?" "Oh, no." "On the contrary." "On the contrary, it was an excellent idea." " What?" " As a matter of fact, it was a such a good idea," " we're gonna do it again." " All right." "Hey" "But this time you're holding the glove." "Wait a minute, Ralph." "Please" "Wait a minute." " I don't think that was a" " Hold that glove." "Yeah." " Ralph, don't" " Open it up!" "Yeah." "Here." "Yeah." "Oh, that's a lot." "Yeah." "All right, turn it around." " And hold it nice and tight." " Yeah, but wait a minute, will you?" "[CROWD LAUGHING THEN APPLAUDING" "Hey, Ralph..." "Don't get excited, will you please?" "Remember." "Remember all fat man are jolly." "Get out!" "Get out!" "[BABY CRYING]" "You got a nut for an uncle." "Ralph." "What is it?" "Oh, hi, doc." "Well, I guess you" "I had a little accident here a minute ago." "I guess you came over to see how the little baby's doing." "I think she's getting a tooth." "Ralph, I ran in to the doctor on my way downstairs and he has something that he wants to tell you." "What do you wanna tell me?" "Well, Mr. Kramden, a very unhappy situation has developed." " What do you mean?" " Well, as I told Mrs. Kramden" "Now, this child is legally yours." "And the adoption agency will stand behind you on this matter." "What are you talking about?" "On what matter?" "Mr. Kramden, we've never done this before, but this afternoon, the mother of this child came to my office." "She's heartbroken, and she feels she's made a terrible mistake by giving up her child." "What are you getting at?" "Ralph, the mother wants her baby back." "What are you trying to pull?" "Please, Mr. Kramden, we're not trying to pull anything." "As I've told you before, the baby is legally yours." "I merely came here at the request of the mother." "Oh, yeah?" "Well, you go right back there and tell the mother she should have thought of that when she put the baby up for the adoption." "I love this kid and I'm not giving her up." "I understand." "I can't blame you for your decision." "I merely came here because the mother was so insistent." "Well, just go back and tell her." "Tell her it's my kid." "I understand." "I'm sorry that this matter came up." " Goodbye." " Goodbye." "How do you like that?" "How do you like that?" "How do you like the nerve of that mother?" "The gall of that woman." "She puts the baby up for adoption and now she wants it back." "What does she think the child is, a stack of furniture or something?" "An old overcoat?" "Boy, what gall." "What nerve to put a child up like that and then ask for it back?" "What does she think the kid is?" "BOY" "Phew." "Oh, Ralph, I feel the same way you do." "You feel the same way I do?" "You don't understand how I feel." "This baby is only been here a week, Alice." "And you don't know how much I love her." "I know that, Ralph." "But if you and I love the baby this much and she's only been here one week, then how do you think the mother must feel?" "[CROWD LAUGHING]" "Alice." "Do you think if--?" "If we gave her back that we could get see her now and then?" "You know, her mother doesn't have to tell us" "Tell the kid who we are, you know, that" "Just that we're friends." "And..." "You know, I just wanna see how she's gonna grow up." "Believe me, Alice, this kid's gonna know there's a Santa Claus." "When Christmas comes," "I'm gonna send her toys and gifts and everything." "And I'm not gonna forget her birthday either." "Little Ralphina doesn't know it, but she's got two fathers and two mothers." "I guess I better go and call the agency." "Oh, keep an eye on her, will you, Alice?" "She kicks her covers off, you know, she could catch a cold." "Alice," "I know you feel bad about this." "But remember, the doctor said he'd get us another baby." "And, you know, Alice, who can tell" "if we'll ever get lucky and have one of our own." "Ha-ha-ha." "[CROWD LAUGHING THEN APPLAUDING]" "[CROWD APPLAUDING]" "Thank you." "Thank you." "Ladies and gentlemen." "Ladies and gentlemen," "An Carney and Audrey Meadows." "[CROWD APPLAUDING]" "Anne Seymour, Phil Bruns and Sid Fields." "Good night, everybody." "[CROWD APPLAUDING]" "ANNOUNCER:" "The second half of Jackie Gleason's American Scene Magazine was brought to you by Ralston Purina Company of Checkerboard Square." "Makers of new Purina Cat Chow, with a tantalizing blend of meat, fish and milk flavors cats crave." "This is Johnny Olson speaking for The Jackie Gleason Show." "Original music and lyrics by Lyn Duddy and Jerry Bresler." "Gowns by Cameo Evening Fashions." "Tonight's program was pre-recorded."