"[♪]" "Season's greetings!" "Hey." "Oh, God." "The reindeer sweater?" "That's right." "Look at it." "Don't look away." "I can't help it." "It frightens me." "Hey, come on." "I've had it since the 11th grade." "What's wrong with it?" "Have you looked in a mirror?" "It's okay." "I know the rules, all right?" "Don't wear it out of the house, don't wear it to any holiday parties, and if anybody comes over, I have to run upstairs." "What's that on the back of your arm?" "Hmm?" "Oh, what do you know?" "Candy cane." "A little gift from some Christmas past." "You're not actually gonna eat that, are you?" "Have I made a decision?" "No." "Am I intrigued?" "Certainly." "Give me that." "That's all right." "There might be others." "♪ My eyes are gettin' weary" "♪ My back is gettin' tight" "♪ I'm sittin' here in traffic" "♪ On the Queensboro Bridge Tonight ♪" "♪ But I don't care 'Cause all I want to do ♪" "♪ Is cash my check and drive Right home to you ♪" "♪ 'Cause, baby, all my life I will be drivin' home to you ♪" "[DOOR OPENS]" "I can't believe this." "Can't believe what?" "What happened?" "Those fancy-shmancy neighbors across the street are what happened!" "I'm so angry I could spit!" "Okay, mission accomplished." "Dad, now just calm down and tell me what happened." "I put a wreath on our front door last night, and now I come home to find one twice the size of ours hanging on the Rinaldis' door." "So?" "So?" "It's a snub!" "It's their way of saying, "look at us, world, we're richer than those schnooks across the street!"" "How dare they flaunt their wealth at us." "Ugh!" "Wealth?" "Dad, Mr. Rinaldi drives a cab, and his wife works for Easter Seals." "Yeah, and they're gonna make sure everyone in the neighborhood knows it." "Well, honey, the Rinaldis are about to look directly into the mouth of hell!" "Dad, dad, can't you just take a white pill and a blue pill and leave this alone?" "Oh, I will take those pills, but I will not leave this alone." "Hey." "Hey." "Want to help me wrap a little bit?" "Uh, sure." "But, uh..." "I think we need to have a little talk first." "What?" "What happened?" "Is everything okay?" "Oh, it's just that today, uh, at work, out of the blue," "I get called into supervisor O'Boyle's office and, uh..." "And-- and what?" "Uh, he just handed me this $3,000 Christmas bonus!" "$3,000!" "I can't believe it!" "See what I did there?" "I made you think it was bad, when actually it was good." "Yeah, you're a comedic genius." "Let me see this." "Ohh!" "Holy crap!" "3,000 bucks!" "And all I got was a donation made in my name to some disease charity." "Yeah, thank ya!" "So what do you want to do with it?" "Well, I'm thinking, and go with me here" " Ahem" "Double-D breast implants." "Why?" "The ones you have now are so cute and perky." "Way to turn it around on me." "No, I'm serious." "What do you want to do with it?" "I don't know." "I guess we should throw it in the bank quick before they realize what a mediocre employee I really am." "Really?" "Put it in the bank?" "Why, you got another idea?" "Hmm?" "Solid gold bathtub?" "Should we have our teeth drilled and little rubies put in?" "Hey, what's up?" "No." "I was thinking that all these lawyers at my firm have been investing in all these internet stocks, and they have been making some stupid money." "You wanna put the money in the stock market?" "Doug, these web stocks are exploding." "You remember that lawyer from my firm, Harry Sternin?" "No." "The one you said looks like a fat Phil Collins?" "Oh, yeah." "Anyway, he, he bought this stock called Shominy dot something, and he tripled his money in the last 4 days." ""Shominy"?" "What do they even do?" "I don't know." "They make shominies." "Who, who cares?" "The point is... the stock was at $2 on Monday and now it's at 6!" "What do you think?" "I don't know." "I kind of like my "put it in the bank" idea." "Come on, Dougie, the gravy train is pulling out." "Why can't we jump on the gravy train?" "Because sometimes gravy trains derail." "Then there's blood and gravy everywhere." "All right, whatever." "I tried." "[DOOR OPENS]" "Put it back!" "[BELCHES]" "CARRIE:" "Doug!" "Doug, come here!" "What?" "Advanced digital business to business e-commerce networking solutions. so I looked it up." "Now you know." "Thanks." "I'll be in the shower." "Doug, come on!" "This is a great stock." "Four analysts made it their top pick." "Come on, Carrie." "All this stuff is just so risky." "So you take a risk once in a while." "Why do I have to take a risk?" "Look, honey, if we put the money in the bank, it'll grow in little dribs and drabs, but if we buy the stock, we-- we have a chance to finally make some real money." "We-- we can go someplace, like Europe." "What's in Europe?" "We don't have to go there." "We can go anywhere." "Busch Gardens?" "We can go to Busch Gardens anytime." "Want to go this weekend?" "Okay." "You are really missing the point." "Look, honey, I am happy with our life." "I really am." "We love each other, we have good friends, good jobs." "Now if we just had all that plus, you know... money... better yet, huh?" "You really want to do this, huh?" "Yes." "All right, I'm your guy." "I'm in." "Yay!" "Muah." "Oh, here you are." "Yes, here I am." "How you doing?" "Good." "What'd you do?" "What's the matter?" "Nothing, just feel like getting a little action." "Before dinner?" "Are you drinking?" "No, but maybe these stock reports I'm holding might have something to do with it." "No!" "Yes." "No!" "Yes." "No!" "Yes!" "Let me see!" "Let me see!" "Oh, sweet Shominy!" "Six grand!" "Six grand!" "I know." "I wish we had the cash right now." "We could throw it on the bed and have sex on it." "Wanna do it on the stock report?" "No." "I think it has to be money, don't you?" "Uh, don't go by me." "I'd have sex with you on an angry bear." "[IMITATING THURSTON HOWELL] Hello, lovey!" "Oh, hey." "What you-- what you doing'?" "Oh, nothing." "Just surfing the web." "Why is your voice so high?" "Psh, it's not!" "What's going on?" "The stock is down a little." "Little?" "What's a little?" "All right, before I tell you, you have to agree not to panic." "Okay, by saying that, you make me panic." "Now tell me quickly before I pass out from fear." "Okay, it's at four." "Carrie, no!" "We bought it at six!" "We bought it at six!" "I know." "But four is less than six." "I know!" "I went to first grade." "Now just calm down." "I can't calm down, Carrie." "It's at four!" "Look, Harry Sternin said that, that, that it's normal for the stock to dip a little." "Well, you know what?" "Then marry him!" "I got to think, I got to think, I got to think, I got to think!" "What do we do?" "We hold onto the stock." "It'll come back up." "You think so?" "It has to." "Now, look, get a grip!" "Remember, we are long-term investors." "We're in this for three to four weeks." "All right, now just calm down and we'll ride it out, okay?" "Okay." "[MUMBLING]" "[BIRDS CHIRPING]" "[BEEP]" "[BEEP]" "What are you doing?" "I want to see where the stock is at." "Here, help me get online." "No, no, sweetie." "You can't watch it every minute." "You'll drive yourself crazy." "I don't care." "I wanna know where it's at." "Fine." "Do it yourself." "No, I need your help." "I'm stuck in solitaire." "Okay, one look and that's it." "One's fine." "One, one's great." "Okay, you're signed on." "It'll just take a second." "Hi." "Hello." "Okay, we're in." "Now we just type in the symbol and..." "Oh!" "Oh?" "What, what's oh?" "Where you looking?" "It says, uh... it's at three." "Three?" "!" "Oh, my God!" "It's at three?" "!" "Come on, let's sell." "Let's sell" "No, no, no." "Look, look, look here." "It says the dip in the stock was because the FTC approval of their technology was delayed." "Of course it was delayed, because no one can figure out what the hell they make!" "They, they make advanced commerce...something!" "Whatever it is, it's good." "Oh, yeah?" "Can I buy one?" "Where do I go?" "Where?" "Waldbaum's, huh?" "Sam Goody?" "Has Goody got it?" "!" "Okay, Doug, could you just calm down, because you're starting to panic me." "Yeah, because you know I'm right." "Oh, my God!" "We're gonna lose the whole three grand!" "It's going to go down to zero!" "Oh, God!" "Dry heaves." "Carrie, look, I am begging you." "Please, let's just sell, okay?" "Let's sell while we still have enough to go to Busch Gardens." "Doug, I don't know." "I mean, Harry's not selling." "Harry's a millionaire, all right?" "He buys and sells people for sport." "He'd kill you as soon as look at you." "Look..." "Carrie, I'm not wired for this kind of stuff." "You know, I'm jittery, I'm nervous." "Look, my eye is twitching." "Look, you see it?" "No." "Well, it's not now, but it was." "We got to sell." "Come on!" "I don't care if it goes up to 100 tomorrow." "Let's just get out of it and be done with it." "Fine!" "If it's gonna make you this crazy, then we'll sell it." "Good." "Thank you." "Can't tell you how good it feels to be done with this madness." "It's back up." "Hmm?" "Oh, darling, just in time." "What are you, having a party?" "No, no." "I'm getting into the Christmas spirit and putting together an outdoor display that will make the Rinaldis feel poor and ashamed." "So what do you think?" "What is it?" "It's a nativity scene." "Not so much." "Sure, it is." "You got your wise men here." "There's Joseph, Mary, and the baby Jesus." "He's huge!" "So?" "So he looks like he could crush all the wise men to death." "But he wouldn't do that." "He's gentle." "He's baby Jesus." "And what about the, uh, wooden Indian?" "Who's he supposed to be?" "No one." "I just like it." "And who's to say he wasn't there?" "Dad, I love you so much." "But there's no way in hell this is going in front of our house." "TV ANCHORWOMAN:" "And it was the fourth record day in a row for the Nasdaqas tech stocks continue to fire the market. up over 200% on news that it received FTC approval of its highly anticipated advanced digital business to business e-commerce" "networking solution technology." "Approval." "They got approval." "Good for them." "Yes... good for them." "You're hating me right now, aren't you?" "Nooo!" "Yes, you are." "Come on, you can say it, huh?" ""Chunky made us sell." "Chunky cost us money."" "That's what you're thinking." "That is not what I'm thinking." "You have to be thinking that, Carrie." "If it wasn't for me, we'd be up like, like $4,000 bucks." "Closer to five." "But it is not your fault." "I'm the one who let your non-stop bitching and whimpering wear me down." "And for that, I am very, very sorry." "So we're cool?" "Oy." "I'm sorry, all right?" "I feel guilty." "You know, I acted like a little... sissy investor girl." "Here, make this part of my body." "Just make it part of my body." "Doug, would you just forget it?" "Come on!" "We sold the stock." "It's over with." "Could we just get on with our lives?" "Okay?" "Okay." "Okay." "Let's buy back in." "What?" "Come on." "It's on its way back up." "Okay." "That settles it." "You need lithium." "No." "Think about it." "We only sold because we" "We didn't have any approval, you know?" "Now we have something to sink our teeth into." "We got the grr-grr, the approval." "God, Doug, you are driving me crazy!" "But the stock is so high now!" "High and only going higher." "I know it, Carrie." "I feel it, I swear." "It's a gut feeling." "This does not lie." "All right, we buy back in." "B-b-but this time, we buy the stock and we leave it alone for one full week, okay?" "We do not obsess, we do not panic." "We just go on with our lives and let the stock do whatever it's gonna do." "Hey!" "What stock?" "It's all right there." "Take your time crossing." "And have a nice day." "Yeah, there's a new invention." "It's called a turn signal." "Why don't you use it, you moron?" "Hey, got enough dogs there, guy?" "That's crazy walking all those dogs." "♪ Go on, now go" "♪ Walk out the door" "♪ Just turn around now" "Those wheels are on your chair for a reason... use them!" "[CAR HORNS HONKING]" "BOB CRATCHETT:" "We've never had any quarrel that I've ever been party to." "I ask nothing of you." "I came here in the spirit of bright good will and I won't let you dampen it." "So a merry Christmas to you anyway, uncle." "Good evening." "SCROOGE:" "Humbug!" "Okay, why are you doing that?" "What?" "Mouthing." "What are you talking about?" "You're mouthing along to the movie." "So?" "I've seen the movie 100 times." "I know all the words." "I understand that." "But it's annoying." "So then don't watch me." "I wasn't watching you, okay?" "But I can see it in my periphinal vision and it's distracting." "It's peripheral." "What did I say?" "You said, "periphinal."" "No, I didn't." "Okay, fine, you didn't." "Can I watch the movie now?" "Oh, go ahead." "SCROOGE: ...a poor excuse for picking a man's pocket every 25th of December." "I said "peripheral."" "CRATCHETT:" "It's the family more than me." "See, they put their hearts into it." "For God sakes, wash your feet." "They stink!" "Okay, it's not my feet." "It's my socks." "Well, burn them." "Funny, you didn't have a problem with my feet when the stock was at 12." "Okay, here we go." "Look, stinky, you're the one who begged me to buy back in just in time to ride the plummet." "They got the approval!" "Right." "The approval." "I could sink my teeth into the approval." "You know what?" "Why don't you sink your teeth into my ass?" "That's nice." "That's nice." "That's very ladylike." "What a delicate little flower I married, hm?" "Well, Doug, at least I know not to buy high and sell low, okay?" "So here's a tip." "Why don't you buy yourself some instinct?" "You know what?" "That's a real good idea." "I'll go down to the bank and I'll take out a little bit of my Christmas bonus" "Oops, it never made it there!" "You know what?" "You could pin this on me if you want to, Doug, but remember, you're the one who sold, you're the one who panicked." "Oh, here it comes." "Okay, go ahead, say it, say it." ""Chunky cost us money." Come on." "Come on, say it." "It doesn't matter." "Well, Chunky did cost us money." "I can't believe you just called me Chunky." "Hey, kids, come here." "I want to show you something." "Okay." "Come on, double-time." "Come on, let's go." "Quick." "Quick, quick." "I, uh, scrapped all the other junk and I went out and I got this." "ARTHUR:" "So what do you think?" "["SILENT NIGHT" PLAYING]" "You know, I shouldn't have told you about my Christmas bonus in the first place." "That's it." "Oh, sure, why don't we just sell the stock, hmm?" "It's just about low enough." "Fine, sell!" "Good." "Then when it goes back up on Monday, you'll be all, "Ooh, Chunky sorry."" "Again?" "Again with the Chunky?" "Yes, yes." "You back it down." "Both of you stop it!" "How sad this is." "It's Christmas eve and all you two can do is argue about a couple of nickels and dimes?" "Let me tell you something." "The best Christmas I ever had was with your mother in our first house, the one in Flatbush." "We were broke." "We had no heat, no hot water, and a leaky roof." "But we loved it!" "You know why?" "Because you had each other." "Because we had vodka!" "So now come in and let's have some shots." "[DOOR CLOSES]" "Um..." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry too." "Let's just sell the stock." "Yes." "I mean, who cares how much we lose?" "At least we'll be done with it, right?" "Let's just dump it and be happy with the life we have." "Yeah." "Hmm, yes." "Okay." "Merry Christmas, baby." "Hmm, merry Christmas." "Mmm." "Although it really can't go any lower, can it?" "I was just thinking the same thing." "Maybe we should keep it." "Maybe we should buy more." "You know, Harry bought more." "DOUG:" "Harry knows." "He's a very, very smart man." "CARRIE:" "So we'll buy some more?" "DOUG:" "Well, how we gonna get the money?" "CARRIE:" "I don't know." "Uh... second mortgage?" "DOUG:" "Better yet." "Cash advance on our credit cards." "CARRIE:" "Yeah, because we get the miles." "DOUG:" "Hee-hee!" "["SILENT NIGHT" ENDS]" "TV ANCHORWOMAN:" "And in financial news, plummeted on news that its CEO has 11 prior convictions for stock fraud." "[♪]"