"Well, here we are, my dear." ""Casa de Bundy."" "Otherwise known as "Home of the Whopper."" "I don't know, Bud." "What if your parents come in?" "Relax, babe." "They're in Milwaukee." "It's the first stop on Oprah's "Fatapalooza Tour."" "They're displaying the weight she lost in giant glass jars." "Many giant glass jars." "They've taken the Dodge." "Actually, it's "Dodgenstein."" "Made from the parts of other dead Dodges." "Now..." "Now, what say me and you slip out of these dry clothes and into a wet me and you." "But what if your sister comes in?" "I wouldn't worry about her." "I've given her a little task." "Waldo?" "Okay, he's not in the garage." "That much we know." "And you just keep looking, Kel." "You're doing a great job." "I know." "Maybe he's upstairs." "Maybe so." "Maybe no." "That's what makes finding Waldo such a great game." "Yeah, well, he can run but he can't hide." "Because no one can outsmart me once I start using the old grey mattress." "That's my sister, Kelly." "She's very special." "Now, where were we?" "I'm scared, Bud." "I mean, you don't know how strict my dad is." "Last time I got caught like this, I was grounded for six months and the team couldn't go to the Rose Bowl." "We can't get caught." "Come here." "Listen, why don't we put those pretty little lips to something more useful, like me." "Lisa Pruner." "I am telling your father." "Can't get caught, huh?" "Women." "Can't live with them the end." "What happened to the tour?" "Well, your father hit a speed bump and the Dodge couldn't make it to the top." "It was awful, Bud." "We rolled backwards, uncontrollably." "Sometimes reaching speeds upwards of two miles an hour." "Fortunately we were jolted to a halt by an anthill which survived the impact." "You know, Peg, I'm starting to sense you're not too fond of the Dodge." "No, Al." "I'm not too fond of war and injustice." "I freaking hate the Dodge." "Now, look, I know I've said this before but this time I'm serious." "I want you to sell that car." "Sell the Dodge?" "My Dodge?" "I will never sell the Dodge, Peg." "That car's tied with some of the great memories of my life." "Who can forget the tailgate party before the Bears' championship game?" "Oh, the game we missed because the engine caught on fire?" "Okay, well, how about Christmas at the lake?" "You mean Christmas in the lake." "When the brakes failed." "Fine." "Well, how did you get to the hospital when Bud was born?" "Taxi." "And why?" "Because I drove to the pool hall in the Dodge." "Daddy, I need your help." "Listen, I'm hot on the trail of this weird guy named Waldo." "Have you seen him?" "She's gonna be with us until we die, you know." "She's not important right now, Al." "Now, look, what is wrong with getting a slightly newer car?" "I hear they're coming with all these new, fancy options these days." "You know, like dashboards and paint." "Just more things to go wrong." "Listen to me, Peg." "You can nag, you can cry, you can whinny, bleat and moo but I will never sell the Dodge." "Finally selling the Dodge, huh?" "Yeah, it's like giving up one of your children but none of the joy." "Well, for my money you still can't beat a European sports car." "I mean, Marcie and I are nuts about ours:" "Rack and pinion steering, four-wheel independent suspension and 310 of the sexiest Euro-ponies that ever hurtled a Yankee from 0 to 60 in under five seconds." "Oh, man, what a car." " Where is it?" " It's in the shop." "Still?" "Jefferson, you've had the car five months." "It hasn't been off the rack yet." "What's wrong with it?" "They don't know, but it's something very sophisticated, very expensive and very, very Euro." "I'm telling you, I'm on top of the world with that car." "You can ask anybody on the bus how happy I am." "So how's your ad coming?" "Done." "Here." ""Used car of indeterminate year." "Forced to sell by used wife." "Also of indeterminate year." "Four thousand dollars"?" "What?" "You don't think I can get $4000?" "I don't think you could get dollars." "Jefferson, let me tell you something." "Waldo?" "Waldo?" "Let me tell you something." "I'm a salesman." "Consequently, I know sales." "Now, when this ad hits the papers, baby they'll be lined up around the block." "Trust me." "Hi." "We're a couple of winos." "We don't wanna drink and drive." "So we wanna buy a Dodge." "Here's your 40 bucks." "Forty?" "It was supposed to say 4000." "Hey, we're not that drunk." "Does your trunk leak?" "We have no time to haggle." "We want car and directions to Sears Tower." "Here's $40." "Hi, I'm looking for a guy named..." "Daddy." "Oh, boy, I thought this house looked familiar." "Dodge." "American motorcar." "This is going well." " You know what the problem is?" " Sure." "The blind don't drive." "Too bad the mute don't marry." "Mr. Bundy, I'm Bill Ellis from the Dodge Corporation." "We just need to verify a couple of things about your ad." "I know what you're gonna say, but it wasn't my fault." "I clearly told them, "Seat," comma, then "belts."" " Oh, that's not important." " I didn't think so either." "Come on in." "Hello, ma'am." "Is it true she's gone over 999,000 miles?" "He means the car, you wildebeest." "I'll get right to the point, Mr. Bundy." "Congratulations." "It's not every day that a Dodge reaches a million miles." "This is something very special to us." "You, Mr. Bundy, are very special to us and we want to be there on that momentous occasion when your odometer reads all zeros." "You mean, you want us to be in a commercial?" "Yes." "Oh, fine." "A lot of free publicity for you guys but what's in it for us?" "A 1994 Dodge Viper." "Now, let me get this straight." "When my Dodge goes over a million miles you give me that car?" "Well, first we want to film your car crossing the one-million-mile mark but after that, Mr. Bundy, the Viper is yours." "Oh, Peg, I'm so happy, I could shake your hand." "Al, it only has two seats." "What about the kids?" "It's got a trunk." "Bill, speaking of family who's gonna play my young blond wife in the commercial?" "Hey, what about me?" "Well, you don't play my wife in real life." "And besides, you hated the Dodge." " I did not." " Weren't you the one that got me the license-plate holder that said:" ""I'd rather be driving"?" "Well, that just shows you how close I am to the Dodge." " We kid like that all the time." " Oh, no, Peg." "You laughed at the Dodge." "You mocked the Dodge." "She shot the Dodge, but she didn't shoot the deputy." " What does that mean?" " I don't know, Peg." "I'm just babbling like this because I'm staring at her cleavage." "Peggy, what's going on?" "Al has been driving up and down the street for 12 hours." "Well, the Dodge people told him that when his odometer hit all nines to call them and they'd send out a camera crew." "So much like in bed Al wants to get it over with as quickly as possible." "Well, I still say a foreign car is the way to go." "You've gotta see the new pictures they sent of ours." "Here's the diagnostic crew waving at us in front of the big box they're gonna send it back to Stuttgart in." "I did it, Peg." "Nine hundred, ninety-nine thousand nine hundred and ninety-nine and nine tenths." "The Dodge is ready for the commercial now." "I even backed it into the garage." "Think of it, Peg." "Tomorrow I will drive out, Al Bundy, old-Dodge owner and drive back in, Al Bundy, Viper Man." "Yeah, but the bottom line is you'll still be Al Bundy." " Tragic, isn't it?" " Marcie, I didn't see you come in." "Pull up an egg, I'll be with you in a few minutes." "Al Bundy here." "The mighty Dodge is at all nines." "Great." "See you in the morning." "And now to bask in the joys of anticipation sweeter, some say, than the actual catch." "You're so calm." "I mean, if it were my Dodge I'd be worried lightning was gonna strike it or a tree was gonna fall on it even before the camera crew could get here." "I wouldn't be able to sleep a wink." "And here you've got 12 hours to go and you're not even nervous." "That's the difference between you and me, Marcie." "I'm not the worrying kind." "That, and if I do this, it appears that I have breasts." "You don't need to do that." "Al..." " What are you doing?" " That damn Marcie." "She's got me so worried something's gonna happen to the car, I can't sleep." "Well, I know what would help you sleep." "Thanks, Peg, now I can't eat." "This is going well." "I'm surprised you haven't called the police." "Someone call the police?" "We got a call about a shooting." "Yes, I did, but I lied." "See, I need someone to guard the Dodge and a cop is cheaper than a Doberman." "Excuse me, I may need both hands to pound this guy into hash." "But if you ever take a shot at my partner again, you're going in." "Gotcha." "But you don't understand." "I got a terrible feeling something's gonna happen to my Dodge." "Al, how long have I known you?" "What?" "Seven, eight years?" "I've arrested you, what, 11, 12 times?" "You're a load in my pants, you know that, Al?" "No one wants your crummy car." "No one even believes this house is occupied." "Now, either go to bed, or let me blow you away so I can go to bed." "On second thought, I gotta go." "I might have left something at the doughnut shop." "Hold it." "Never mind." "Dad, it's 2:00 in the morning." "I gotta take some tests tomorrow." "Yeah, Dad, I gotta go to the doctor's too." "Kids, or should I say, lackeys of the red devil I need your help." "The Dodge is in trouble." "So who hasn't been?" "Come, my children..." "And Kelly." "...to the garage." "We'll guard the Dodge." "We proud Bundys three will guard against those who will pillage and plunder and joyride in the Dodge." " Do we get to drive the Viper?" " No." "Why should we help guard the Dodge?" "Because we're family, damn it." "So are the Jacksons." "Good night." "Fine." "I'll guard the Dodge myself." "Four hours." "I can do that." "First I'll open the garage door." "Let a little fresh air in." "Or out." "There's nothing like a little music to help pass the time." "Who was the genius that let West Virginia become a state?" "Okay, no problem." "I'll just entertain myself with one of my many challenging hobbies." "Marlon Brando." "Alfred Hitchcock." "Elvis." ""Refrigerator" Perry." "Elizabeth Taylor." "Six a.m. I did it!" "I beat the night." "They'll be here pretty soon." "I'll never have to work again." "I'll just drive my Viper." "I'll drive it here and there, to and fro out and about." "And to my millions of fans, I'll be known as Le Grande Vipe." "I'll be famous." "I'll fight crime if it doesn't scratch the paint." "Oh, and he was so close." "What happened?" "Well, he fell asleep and then the Dodge rolled out of the driveway." "So now the odometer reads "000,000 and nine tenths" which means no commercial and no new car." "Well, how did he finally stop?" "Well, luckily there was a brand-new foreign car parked outside which had finally been fixed, but never driven." "Well, it's good to get that first broadside out of the way." "We still made it over a million miles." "Aren't they gonna give him anything?" "Well, yeah." "They gave him a car phone as a consolation prize." "And you know, there's one thing you have to say about Al." "He is determined not to let this little setback beat him." "Hello, Al?" "Is that you?" "Hello, Peg." "I'm here in Burnt Scrotum, New Mexico." "And guess what." "I'm over a thousand miles, babe." "I'm gonna drive until I hit another million." "And then you'll be home, Al?" "Then I'll be home, and the Viper will be mine." "Do you hear me?" "Mine, I tell you." "Mine!" "Mine!"