"[Cheersandapplause]" "Every so often, the Internet graces us with an animal so good-looking it makes human women wet." "Last year, CNN brought us Shabani, the world's sexiest gorilla." "[ Laughter ] Ah!" "Look at those eyes." "I'd let him rip my clothes andface off." "I'm just... [ Laughter ]" "We shot this one, but..." "[ Laughter ]" "No." "I don't think we did." "But this week, there's a new stud in town." "Meet Frederick." "Oh!" "The world's most bangable stallion." "Check it out." "Oh, yeah." "Oh, you get it, Frederick." "Oh, God!" "He's on his way to stop a wedding, actually." "[ Laughter ]" "Because you know what they say." "Once you go Black Beauty, you never go back, beauty." "I bet this horse is hung like himself." "I'm Nikki Glaser, and this is "Not Safe."" "♪ Ready" "♪♪" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Welcome to the show." "First things first, let's meet the people" "I'll be perving out with tonight." "Her first time having sex was with a guy whose dick was both giant and disappointing." "It's Mary Lynn Rajskub." "Hey, oh!" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "What happened?" "What?" "Bigger is not always better." "Am I right, Adam Pally?" "You are." "For me, yeah." "I have a huge dick, but it's super gross." "[ Laughter ]" "[ Laughs ]" "They all are." "Yeah." "But yours is, like, extra gross." "Yeah." "Mine has four holes." "[ Laughter ]" "I cum like a sprinkler." "Our next guest has four holes in his penis, and his first time touching a boob, he just grabbed it and held on to it for the entire movie." "It's Adam Pally." "Yeah. [ Cheers and applause ]" "Thank you. [ Laughs ]" "I, like, didn't know what to do with it yet." "Yeah." "So, I was 12 and went to see the animated version of "Rasputin."" "[ Laughs ]" "Ooh, sexual." "'Cause I was just trying to get her in the mood." "[ Laughter ]" "And I just grabbed on to this big Jewish tit and..." "And just..." "And just held it for the whole movie." "And then, when I let go," "I had this, like, big, sweaty handprint." "Oh, my God!" "And her mom picked us up." "[ Laughter and applause ]" "Is that how you fingered your first time, too?" "You just left it in?" "Yeah." "And I was like," ""This is easier than I thought it was gonna be."" "If only it were that easy." "Well, she was in a wheelchair, so she could go back and forth." "[ Laughter and applause ]" "Okay, guys, let's get started." "Everyone has a thing, you know." "Some people are into feet." "Some people are into panty sniffing." "Statistically, someone in here has fucked a car once." "They don't call it a Honda Fit for nothing, guys." "And it does get weirder than that." "Some guys are into cuddling." "And I meanjustcuddling." "How do you feel about cuddling?" "I think it's overrated." "[ Laughter ]" "It's not necessary." "Yeah." "Mm-hmm." "Ever?" "Well, at this point in my life, maybe." "I married a real hot guy." "He's 10 years younger than me." "But now it's like, if he makes the tri..." "I'm sorry." "That had nothing to do with what you were saying." "[ Laughter ]" "If anyone feels too strongly on one side or the other, you're like, "Oh, you're fucking crazy."" "Right." "Like the all-night cuddle." "Yeah." "If someone's like, "I love to be cuddled,"" "you're like, "Okay, so, something happened to you."" "[ Laughter ]" "And then, if, at the same time, if they're like, "I hate cuddling,"" "you're like, "Okay, something happened to you." Yeah." "I feel like I'm being a little defensive in my answer for cuddling." "Let's..." "Let's..." "Tell me what you really feel." "Yes, I want cuddling, but my husband's like, "Get away from me." "Don't touch me." Yes!" "And he's way on the other side of our Cal king bed, and if he makes that journey..." "I'm sorry, that had nothing to do..." "[ Laughter ] It has everything to do with it." "We need cuddling pre-sex as a litmus test of, like," ""Is this gonna go down?"" "Yes." "You know, like, if we cuddle in the beginning, it's usually like, "Well, let me see if" "I can rub my dick on your ass and then, like, that will lead to something."" "Yes." "But if it's after sex, it's like," ""Well, I'll deal with this for as long as it takes before you have to go to the bathroom so you don't get a UTI."" "[ Laughs ] That always breaks it up." "Yeah." "Well, there is actually a whole community of cuddlers out there." "Like, these people just get together, and they just cuddle, and it's not about sex." "This story from The Atlantic even says they have cuddle parties where strangers just... they get together and just hold each other." "Is this something you guys would ever consider doing?" "It sounds humiliating." "It sounds embarrassing." "It sounds like a bad business idea." "[ Laughter ]" "And secretly it's all I've ever wanted." "[ Laughter ]" "'Cause can you separate cuddling from sex?" "No." "I think that this is a gateway to prostitution." "I agree with you." "Like, I think it's just, like... it's sexual to me, cuddling." "Of course." "The only other reason I could see is, like, if my grandmother were on her deathbed and I was, like, holding her, and that would still be sexual for me." "[ Laughter ]" "But I actually decided to see for myself, so I went to a place called Cuddle Sanctuary, or as I call it, the gathering of the Snuggalos." "Check it out." "♪♪" "So, tell me about Cuddle Sanctuary." "Cuddle Sanctuary is a social experience that welcomes healthy human touch." "I associate cuddling with sex." "Like, I don't know how you separate it." "If you feel some arousal coming on, just shift your position." "What if when I shift, I go like..." "[ Laughs ]" "[ Grunts ]" "This is how I shift." "[ Grunts ]" "So, I'm gonna try a class." "Okay." "Let's do it." "Let's do it." "Let's cuddle." "♪♪" "Franzblau:" "So, let's talk about the many different options of things you can try." "The first one would be spooning." "Does anybody feel like demoing the spoon?" "You're in?" "You're in." "Coming in for a landing." "Is this missionary of cuddling?" "The only problem I'm really having is that I'm concerned where my phone is." "Do you mind if I check my e-mail, bro?" "Um, yes." "But now that I can't check my e-mail, I just..." "I want to let you know that the rest of the time" "I'm gonna be thinking about checking my e-mail." "[ Laughter ]" "The next option that you have for paired practice is called companioning." "I guess I'm just gonna go ahead and sit next to you." "Cool." "[ Chuckling ] That's it." "Um, this is it?" "[ Laughs ] Yeah." "In seventh grade, this would've blown my mind." "We could do back to back." "I could just spin around and then sort of..." "Let's do it." "And this is kind of it." "All right." "It's just sort of like a way for people to chill out and talk." "It's very, uh, "Fault in Our Stars."" "♪♪" "So, I'm going away this summer." "Do you think we'll keep in touch?" "Yeah." "I don't want to go." "What if you meet some other girl?" "Then it's over." "[ Laughter ]" "You're crazy." "Is that good?" "Is that what we would talk about, things like that?" "Mm-hmm." "Yeah." "Cool." "Cool." "I'm still thinking about my phone." "You're like the teddy bear I always wanted." "You wanted a biracial, polyamorous teddy bear?" "That's weird." "Is that your belt?" "I'm not wearing a belt." "Is that, like, a button?" "No, they're... they're just pajamas." "Okay." "[ Laughter ]" "Oh, my God, I love this." "But I do want to fuck you." "[ Laughter ]" "How often do you..." "fall in love?" "This isn't really the place for that." "Your pajamas tell me otherwise." "[ Laughs ]" "Will you read me my e-mails?" "Woman: "Dear beloved friend, permit me my desire to go into business relationship with you." "I am daughter of late Al Bedarri of Libya, whom was murdered during the recent civil war in Libya." "Before his death, my late father was a strong supporting member..."" "Would you like to hold hands with me and eye-gaze?" "What are your intentions with me?" "Uh, I don't know." "I'm just, like, lost in your eyes." "They're just like..." "I-I feel like I'm, like, staring at the universe." "The universe?" "Yeah." "That's a little much." "Yeah." "You should follow me on Instagram." "Okay." "Sounds good." "That means a lot that you said that." "Yeah." "Yeah, you're welcome." "♪♪" "Uh..." "Thanks for gazing." "It was really nice." "I love you." "Love you too." "Thank you for having me, you guys." "I seriously get what you're saying now." "This isn't about sex at all." "I don't want to have sex with any of you." "Like, when are we gonna fuck?" "Seriously?" "When does this get freaky?" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "That's basically what would happen if an Enya song became a business." "[ Laughter ]" "But when we get back here, we're playing "Tinder Tapout," so get ready, guys." "Kayla's back." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "We all know that guys will put up with just about anything for sex..." "Snapchat filters, dressing on the side, lackluster handjobs." "It's time for "Tinder Tapout."" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Yeah, yeah." "So, I went on Tinder, and I created Kayla, the worst woman imaginable." "She calls herself White Beyoncé and, sorry, but "no more dudes who don't have boats."" "[ Laughter ]" "She's a mess." "But that never stops guys from swiping right on this ghost, including this guy Anthony." "This is him on his way to not getting his eyebrow waxed." "He looks sweet enough, but how long can he tolerate the human house fire that is Kayla?" "We're gonna find out." "We're gonna read their actual Tinder conversation." "Adam, I'd love for you to read for Anthony." "I will read for Kayla." "All right, let's start." "You're first." ""Hey." "What's up?"" ""Hey." "Getting high."" ""L-O-L." "What you getting high on?"" ""This crazy-ass weed called oxycontin haha."" ""Isn't that heroin?"" ""Ugh." "You're judgy."" ""L-O-L." "I didn't mean it like that."" ""Whatcha doing?"" ""Been crying a lot." "Nun who molested me won Powerball." "Brought up a buncha shit." "You go to college?"" "Okay, guys." "What about..." "Do you think he's still in after this?" "Yeah." "Really?" "Uh-huh." "Well, you're on oxycontin, so he's almost there." "[ Laughter ]" "Yeah." "He's confused by this." "He's excited by it." "I'm thinking she might think he could sue the nun and get some of that money." "I don't know ifthat's goingthroughthishead." "Or she might be able to, like..." "I don't know if, like, the Powerball money is going through his head, but the nun who molested her is definitely in the forefront." "It's almost, like, hotter 'cause it's a nun and a not a priest." "Yeah." "It's hotter than regular molestation." "[ Laughter ]" "Let's see if he's still in." "Yep." "Still in." ""I go to College of the Canyons, and I do electrical wiring." "Where you from?" "What city you live in?"" "[ Chuckles ]" ""I'm in L.A. right now." "I have a lot of enemies, so I bounce around."" ""Oh, I see." "Bad one, huh?" "L-O-L."" ""The guy who made Seal's face all fucked up is after me."" "[ Laughing ] Kiss emoji, rose emoji." "Okay, what about now?" "Oh, yeah, he's still 100% in." "He's done a lot worse?" "Yeah." "I think he doesn't know who Seal is." "Yes." "And he just likes the animal, seals." "He likes seals, and he wants to help." "He just loves animals." "And he wants to help." "He's like, "Someone fucked up a seal's face?" "Let's get him."" "All right, let's see if he's still in." "Yeah. [ Laughter ]" "He doesn't know." "He didn't know!" ""Seal's face?" "L-O-L."" "Well, that made him laugh out loud..." "Yeah." "...That he didn't know." "I love it." "Can you imagine sitting at your computer and get a word that you don't know and have that make you laugh out loud?" "[ Laughter ]" "You're like, "Ah. [ Laughs ]"" ""So what are you doing now?"" ""My nana is dying, so I'm with her."" ""Oh, I see." "Poor her." Wow." ""Yeah, she's like," "'Please kill me, please kill me.'" "She's diabetic, so I sneak her Rolos, but can't get caught 'cause I got priors."" ""Oh, don't do that." "You can get in serious trouble."" ""Once she eats it, my fingerprints are off it."" "Nail emoji." "Okay." "She's in the process of killing her nana." "Yeah." "What... now?" "I'm so mad at him." "Yeah." "First, he's, like, trying to get her to be as earnest as he is, and now he's like," ""Come on, you can get into trouble for that."" "He's trying to save her." "He's trying to save her." "Yes." "Let's see." "He's still in?" "Yeah." ""Haha, smarty-pants."" "So, he's like, "sike,"" "that you knew how to get away with murder." "Yes!" "Yeah, 'cause "I get 10k when she dies." "Gonna Tinder on a nicer phone soon."" ""Oh, nice."" "He's way in now." ""What kind of phone do you have?"" ""IPhone 4, so ghetto." "But once I get that cash, new phone, new car, and gonna finally go see a doctor." "How many kids you got?"" "Okay." "This is..." "This is, uh..." "She's never seen a doctor before." "She's finally gonna see a doctor." "Is this alarming?" "Yeah, the word "kids," like, throws him off." "Like, I don't even know if he reads all that." "He's just like, "Kids, nope."" "Really?" "You think this is it?" "This might be it." "But she's asking how many kids he has." "It doesn't matter." "It's, like, that means that she has kids, too." "But don't you think he wants a part of that 10k?" "No." "[ Laughing ] 10k?" "[ Laughter ]" "No." "I think..." "I think the mention of kids, this guy's gone." "You might be right, but I'm gonna take the opposite." "Okay." "All right, let's see." "Yep." "This is where we lost Anthony." "[ Applause ] You are right, Adam." "Look at that." "Just the mention of kids." "You really nailed it." "He stopped responding at the mere mention of children." "Drugs and murdering his grandma were fine." "Totally." "Totally cool." "But kids?" "Not cool. [ Laughs ]" "Way to have standards, Anthony." "That's it for "Tinder Tapout," guys." "Kayla is out there, okay?" "Follow her on Twitter right now... @partybitchkayla." "She's tweeting a lot." "You can get tips, valuable information like this." ""Robbing the homeless is so easy 'cause they mad sleepy." "Thanks for the Skechers." "Bye!"" "[ Laughter ]" "Don't ghost us." "We'll be right back." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Hi, guys." "So, a lot of losers on YouTube complain that all female comics talk about are their vaginas." "So that's what I'm gonna do tonight." "[ Laughter ] I have to." "Seriously, guys, to put a long vulva short," "I have labia that just don't quit, all right?" "I know." "I thought all vaginas looked like mine until I was 20 years old, and I heard Dane Cook tell this joke." "One thing, a turn-off..." "I don't like a girl with a lot of lips." "I don't like that." "Yeah." "I don't like it when it looks like a box of cow tongues." "I don't like it when it looks like a high-school-play curtain, right?" "[ Laughter ]" "Yeah, it's funny." "That's what pissed me off, because that is my vagina." "There's actually a production of "Brigadoon"" "happening down there right now." "[ Laughter ]" "Look." "Those whacky..." "characters." "[ Laughs ]" "But after hearing that joke..." "I'm serious..." "I did some research on vaginas, and..." "Okay, I watched some porn." "And I was shocked because every porn vagina I saw was so perfect... just trim and tiny." "Their pussies were like Ariana Grande while mine is like nachos grande." "You feel bad about yourself when you eat it." "I jack up the price to $11 at ballparks." "A lot of similarities." "[ Laughter ]" "But I wanted what these porn stars had." "So I considered the ultimate solution." "[ Dramatic music plays ] Genocide." "[ Laughter ]" "Just kidding." "Labiaplasty." "Have you heard of it?" "It is a surgery where a doctor basically Benihanas your pussy till it's small enough to flip into your aunt's mouth." "[ Laughing ] I considered it." "I considered it, but I couldn't do it after getting my butthole refinished." "[ Laughter ] It was very expensive." "So when I read inthe New York Times that labiaplasties are becoming increasingly popular, especially among teens, I was not surprised." "I had so many questions about labiaplasty, so I sat down with Dr. Jennifer Berman to learn all about designer vaginers." "Dr. Berman, why would a woman get labiaplasty?" "Labiaplasty means removal of excess skin in the labia." "Okay." "And if there is a redundancy, meaning length..." "increased length..." "Redundancy..." "I like that, where you're just like," ""Okay, I get it, vagina."" "On and on and on and on." "And if it interferes with sexual relations or it's irritating when they exercise, you know, those would be..." "Right." "Have you noticed a trend in more women getting labiaplasties?" "I've noticed a trend in more people talking about it, extremely self-conscious about their genital areas." "I'm one of those women who have definitely started talking about it more because I would look at porn, which, of course, they're all, like, these tiny, little God's little whisper of a vagina," "and I would see that, and I'd say," ""Oh, I guess that's what everyone wants."" "You hear guys... "Oh, roast beef sandwich." "You look like... " You just go," ""[ Laughs ] That must be gross."" "And then you're like, "I'm disgusting."" "What's driving women's insecurity is that we think men think it's beautiful." "Like, I feel like this, it's like, they stick out, like, that much." "Well, that's..." "I could pull them out like to here probably." "That's normal." "That is?" "Yeah." "It's like a little, like..." "You know like a little dog's soft little tongue peeking out?" "It's almost like..." "All right, I get it." "All right, so, there's a little bit of what we call "labial show,"" "which is what you're describing." "Ooh!" "I..." "That's gonna be my Broadway play." "Labial Show." "You did it." "You named it for me." "So, there's sexual sensations that are in that area." "It also adds a little bit of length to the vagina, so it kind of grabs along the outside, so there's a functional purpose to the labia." ""Don't let go, dick." [ Laughs ]" "It's almost like they're..." "a cliffhanger." "Yeah." "So, what are some of the drawbacks of getting labiaplasty?" "I've seen some majorly botched labiaplasties." "Really?" "Yes." "Changing it, mutilating it, even, to some degree." "So you shouldn't just get it willy-nilly." "You certainly shouldn't do it just for cosmetic reasons." "I'm leaving this conversation feeling, like," "I love it, and I just want to spread the love." "Can I get a hug?" "[ Laughs ] Come here." "I'm so glad you're so comfortable." "I love you." "Thank you." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "So, look." "If you're labes are causing you actual physical pain, do what you need to do, absolutely." "But if they're not, let sleeping lips lie." "Unless you're posing for some vagina of the month calendar, I guess, which even then, like, wouldn't you want yours to stand out?" "Like, let's make this a September to remember." "[ Laughter ]" "And why risk losing sexual sensation just to look "acceptable" for a guy whose dick can barely tell the difference beautiful a pussy and a thermos of warm SpaghettiOs?" "[ Laughter ]" "And if someone is shitty enough to make fun of your labia, surgery is not gonna help because the problem is not with your pussy." "It's with the pussy you're letting inside your pussy, so try cutting that off first." "In the meantime, let's all embrace who we are, all right?" "I have big naturals, and I'm proud." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Thanks, guys." "We'll be right back." "Anyone else?" "Anyone else got big..." "You do?" "Oh, yeah." "Welcome back, guys." "We've all had a wide range of sexual experiences, moments we're proud of, boners we've grown from." "It's time to thank the people who made us the sexual beings we are today by giving them some sexual shoutouts." "Let's do it!" "[ Cheers and applause ] Mary Lynn." "Shoutout to my OB/GYN who delivered my emergency C-section." "The baby came out there because my pussy was too tight." "Yeah!" "Tight puss!" "Whoo!" "Adam!" "Shoutout to my 4-year-old son, though he doesn't know it yet." "When my wife took him to school the other day," "I jerked off into one of his socks." "[ Laughter ] Yes!" "And shout-out to Mary Lynn Rajskub and Adam Pally for being here tonight." "Mary Lynn will be performing her one-woman show," ""24 Hours with Mary Lynn Rajskub"" "at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival this August, and Adam's new movie, "Joshy,"" "will be in theaters and on demand this summer." "Get it." "Good night, pervs." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "And then the next thing you know, the people at these cuddle parties are just paying for... for sex." "Nikki:" "Yeah." "I think this is, like..." "No chick is into this, and if it is, it's like, again, something happened, and for dudes, it's like," ""Let me dip my toe in whore water."" "Yes."