" How do you do, Mr Van Cleve?" " Good afternoon." "Kind of you to receive me." " Not at all." "Oh, please, sit down." " Thank you." "I hope you'll forgive me, but we're so busy here." "Really." "Sometimes it looks as if the whole world is coming to hell." "Frankly, I haven't had an opportunity to familiarise myself with your case." " When did it happen, Mr Van Cleve?" " Tuesday." "To be exact, I died at 9:36 in the evening." "I trust you didn't suffer much?" "Oh, no, no." "Not in the least." "I'd finished my dinner." " A good one, I hope." " Oh, excellent." "Excellent." "I ate everything the doctor forbade, and then, well, to make a long story short, shall we say I fell asleep without realising it?" "And when I awakened, there were all my relatives, speaking in low tones and saying nothing but the kindest things about me." "Then I knew I was dead." "I presume your funeral was satisfactory?" "Well, there was a lot of crying, so I believe everybody had a good time." "It would have been an ideal funeral if Mrs Cooper-Cooper, a friend of the family, hadn't volunteered to sing "The End of a Perfect Day"." "You see, all my life I had succeeded in avoiding Mrs Cooper-Cooper's coloratura," " and this, undoubtedly, was her revenge." " Mr Van Cleve, I can see that you have a sensitive, cultivated ear." " Thank you." " Then let me warn you." "The music down here is anything but pleasant." "Beethoven, Bach, Mozart, you hear them only... above." "Yes, I know." "It won't be easy not to hear the old masters again, and there are several people up there I would love to see." "Particularly one, a very dear one." " But I haven't a chance." " Have you tried?" "No, Your Excellency." "I have no illusions. I know the life I lived." "I know where l belong." "I'd like to get it over as quickly as possible." "Very well. lf you meet our requirements, we'll be only too glad to accommodate you." "Would you be good enough to mention some crime you've committed?" "Crime?" "Crime?" "I'm afraid I can't think of any." "But I can safely say my life was one continuous misdemeanour." "My dear Mr Van Cleve, a passport to hell is not issued on generalities." "No, you'll have to wait until I have time to study your record." "Now, look here, I have to see His Excellency, and no office boy is going to stop me." " l beg your pardon. I'm Edna Craig." " Just a moment." "I have your record." "You'll be taken care of in a moment." "Really, I don't think I belong here." " ln just a moment, Mrs..." " Don't misunderstand. lt's charming, isn't it?" "Henry Van Cleve." "You know Edna Craig?" "I'm sorry, madam. I seem to be at a loss." "Oh, Henry." "Think back." "Many, many years." "The brownstone house, around the corner from the old Waldorf." "Oh." "Marmaduke Harrison's party." "We were all dressed as children." "And you came as Little Lord Fauntleroy." "And they wheeled you in in a baby carriage." "Little Constantinople." "Oh, Henry." "No girl in New York walked on two more beautiful legs than you." "Little Constantinople." "Well, Henry, I still walk." "And on the same two legs." "And I'm sure they're still as beautiful." "Well, Henry, I'll let you be the judge of that." "(giggles)" "(screams)" "Those things are better left to memory." "But I must admit, you're beginning to interest me, Mr Van Cleve." "I think I can spare the time to listen to your story." " Thank you, Your Excellency." " Please, sit down." "Perhaps the best way to tell you the story of my life is to tell you about the women in my life." "Well, let's start with the first woman." "My mother." "A lovely lady, but prejudiced." "She thought I was wonderful." "She was the first woman I ever fooled." "Then there was my grandmother." "She was just as prejudiced as my mother." "How is the little darling?" "Let me hold him." " No, please." "Let the baby rest." " You're justjealous, Bertha." "I can't stand it any longer." "I'm going to speak to Randolph." "Yes, Randolph." "First you take my son away, and now you want to alienate my grandchild." "(Henry) My diapers needed changing, and already women were fighting for me." "What a way to start a man on the road of life." "I was not even two, and I already got involved in a triangle." "At home, in the presence of my family, I was the only man in my nurse's life." "I was her honeybunch, her oogi-woogi-woo." "But the minute we got to the park..." " Hello, Bedelia." " Well, if it isn't Patrick himself." "(baby cries)" "Oh, shut up, you nasty little brat." "No wonder I became a cynic." "My next lesson came from little Mary." "Hello, Mary." "Don't speak to me." "You're a bad boy and my mother says I shouldn't talk to bad boys." " l bet you don't know what's in this box." " And I'm not interested, Henry." " Then I won't tell you it's a beetle." " A beetle?" " Do you like it?" " Oh, who doesn't like beetles?" " lt's yours." " Thank you." "Oh, thank you, Henry." "I wonder if I should take it." " lf you don't want it..." " Oh, I didn't mean it. I was just wondering." " Don't worry. I've got another one." " Another beetle?" "Uh-huh." "Oh, it's beautiful. lt looks rather lonely, though." "You know what I think?" " l think it wants to be with mine." " You mean you want this one too?" "Henry, do you think I'm the kind of girl that would take a boy's last beetle?" "Oh, that's all right." "You can have it." "Thank you, Henry." "Now, if you want to, you can walk with me to the corner." "From that moment on, one thing was clear to me." "If you want to win a girl, you have to have lots of beetles." "I was growing rapidly, and so was New York." "Yes, New York was becoming cosmopolitan, and no household was considered fashionable without a French maid." "So, one day, a Fifth Avenue coach stopped in front of our house, and out of the coach and into my life came Mademoiselle." " Mrs Van Cleve will be here shortly." " Merci." " That's Mr Van Cleve." " Oh, monsieur." "Charmant, charmant." "This is Mr Van Cleve's father." "He lives here too." "Oh, grandpapa." "Sweet, very sweet." "And who is this darling little boy?" "That's the young master." "He's not so darling." " Bad boy?" " Not good." " Good morning." " Bonjour, madame." "How do you do, mademoiselle?" "Your name is..." " Yvette Blanchard." " Yvette Blanchard." "The agency tells me that you've just arrived, from France," " and are seeking employment." " Oui, madame." " You have references?" " Oui, madame." " May I see them please?" " Naturellement." "Voilà." "Thank you." "Oh, they're in French." "Oui, madame." "But, believe me, toutes les références, excellentes." "Here, my last employer, Baroness Lalotte, wishes me to be such grand success in America that I shall never desire to return to France." "Oh, the French have such a continental way of expressing their gratitude." "Et..." "And here, reference from the Duke de Polignac." "He considers the two years I spent in his house the two most happy years of his life." "Oh, it sounds just like a duke." "Uh, what about your wages?" "Maybe, in beginning, $20 a month would give satisfaction?" "$20 a month?" "You see, I've never gone higher than $14 a month for a personal maid." "If I could only justify the difference." "Let me see." "Oh, Mother?" "Come here, dear." " Mademoiselle, this is my boy." " Bonjour, mon petit." " Hello." " He studies French." "Mademoiselle, you must ask something in French." "But not too difficult." "Oui." "Avez-vous bien travaillé aujourd'hui, mon chéri?" "Huh?" "That's what I was afraid of." "Now be a nice boy and go." "I have an idea that I want to discuss with Mademoiselle." "A brilliant child, but a little backward in French, and itjust occurred to me that..." "Oh, madame. lt would be pleasure to talk only French to little fellow." "My whole vocabulaire, I make present to your baby." "With me in house, in one month, I assure madame will not recognise own son." "And only for $20." "Of course, that's six dollars more than I ever paid before, but let's try it." "Merci, madame." " Au revoir, madame." " Goodbye, Mademoiselle." "Psst." "Hey." " Oui?" " You're not gonna work here, I'll see to that." "What is the matter?" "Did I make little boy angry?" "Now, that's the last time anybody calls me little boy." "Oh, so sorry if I hurt feelings, but Maman..." "Yes, Mama." "That's the trouble." "Mama and Papa, and Grandpapa and Grandmamma." "It's a conspiracy to keep me in short pants." " They think they own me, body and soul." " Ah, je comprends." "My understanding for young men is perfect." "Your soul is bigger than your pants." "Oh, you need very warm friend with sympathy." "Moi. I will be, oui?" "I bet you couldn't guess what I have in my pocket." "No, I do not know, but I am sure it is something very bad, oui?" " There." " Oh, you smoke big black cigar?" "Sure I'm going to smoke it." "Any day now." "Now we have very bad secret together, oui?" "That's nothing. I can tell you things that would rock Fifth Avenue to its foundations." "Oh?" " l'm going to get married." " You?" "Married?" "Mm. I have to, darn it." "Oh, this is much worse than cigar." "When did disaster take place?" "Oh, it all happened pretty suddenly." "There's a girl around the corner." "Well, you know." "But I do not know." "Tell me." "Well, we were in the park and it started to rain." " Oui." " We climbed into a policeman's shed." " And the policeman?" " He wasn't there." "Well, anyhow, before I knew it, I lost my head." "I don't know what got into me." " l took her into my arms, and then..." " And then?" "I kissed her." "I may just as well face the consequences." "Excuse my asking question, as this might sound very childish to grown-up young man, but did you ever consider idea not marrying girl?" "Out of the question. lt'd destroy me." "I could never go to Harvard." "Why, when Father kissed Mother, she knew what he meant." "And he knew she knew it." "Écoute, mon chéri." "In your papa's time, Papa kissed Mama and then marry, but this is 1887, time of bicycle." "The typewriter has arrivé." "Soon everybody speak over the telephone." "And people have new idea of value of kiss." "What was bad yesterday is lot of fun today." "There is a wonderful saying in France:" "Les baisers sont comme des bonbons, qu'on mange parce qu'ils sont bons." "This mean, "Kiss is like candy." "You eat candy only for the beautiful taste, and this is enough reason to eat candy."" " You mean, I can kiss a girl once and..." " 10 times, 20 times." "And no obligation." "Listen, are you just trying to keep yourjob?" "I swear, by the extra six dollar I get from madame." "Gosh, this is a wonderful age I'm living in." "Oui." "You do not have to worry about little girl." "Oh, I've forgotten about her already." "I guess I'm pretty blasé." " Listen, Frenchy." " What, my friend?" "If that's the way things are in 1887, what do you think's gonna happen in 1888?" "Aha, we make that the subject of our first French lesson." "Au revoir, monsieur." " Mother?" " Yes, my baby." "That girl is worth the extra six dollars." "The pride of all the Van Cleves was my cousin Albert." "He was the fulfilment of a parent's dream." "Always the highest in his class, never had he thrown a stone into a window, nor did he ever put a mouse in his teacher's bustle." "His ears were always clean." "This, I think, will give you a rough idea of Albert." "And I'll never forget the morning of my 15th birthday." "Presents were waiting in the living room, but suddenly Father came down the stairs, excited and breathless." " Flogdell." "Flogdell!" " Yes, Mr Van Cleve?" "Tell Robinson to go and get Dr Macintosh." "Tell him our Henry is ill." " Yes, sir." " Oh, my poor baby." "The boy's acting so strangely, Randolph." "Randolph!" "Now, Bertha, Bertha?" "We must keep a stiff upper lip." "Randolph, he's talking all the time as if he were in a delirium." " Well, what does the boy seem to be saying?" " lf l only knew." "He's talking French." " French?" " Oh, Randolph." "Our boy, delirious in a foreign language." "This is an emergency." "We must do everything step by step." "The next move is to find out what the boy is saying." " Flogdell." " Yes, sir." " Tell Mademoiselle to come to Henry's room." " Very good, sir." "If only Grandpa would let me rub just a bit of garlic on his little chest." "Stay away with your garlic." "The boy's sick enough." "(hiccups)" "Randolph, did you hear that?" "Did you hear, Grandpa?" " l'm not deaf." " The child's poisoned, that's what it is." "Randolph, what shall we do?" "What shall we do?" "There's only one thing to do." "Keep a stiff upper lip." "But that won't help that poor poisoned boy." "If I had my way, I know what I'd do." "A big glass of cold water in that boy's face and I think he'd start talking English." " You barbarian." "You mustn't." " Please." "You'll give him pneumonia." " You mustn't." " He might..." " (both) Mademoiselle." " Madame sent for me?" " Yes, Mademoiselle." "Our little Henry." " He's sick?" " Yes, Mademoiselle." " Oh, excuse, madame. I'll be right back." "(hiccups)" "Oui, madame?" "He's asking for something in French." "You must help find out what he wants." "Oui, madame." " Look, he's smiling." " He's far, far away." " Why, he seems to be in another world." " He's looking at her." " l wonder what he sees." " Yes, I wonder." "Oh, je suis si malade." "Mon estomac me fait si mal." " ls he clear?" " Does it make any sense?" "Well, his French is absolutely perfect." " Such beautiful grammar." " Mademoiselle." "We're not concerned with his accomplishments." " Randolph, don't be harsh." " l'm sorry, but the occasion's a trying one." "If you can tell us what he's saying, it might help us." "(hiccups)" "(hiccups)" "Must be contagious disease." "Son, step out with me a moment." " Good morning." "What's going on?" " (women) Hush." "Sh." "Sh." "Now, you still don't know what's the matter with that boy?" "I wouldn't presume to make a diagnosis." "I'm not a man of medicine." " Randolph, how old are you?" " What an odd question, Father. I'm 43." "You're definitely old enough to be told the facts of life." " What are you driving at, Father?" " Don't look at me with big wondering eyes." "It breaks my heart, but I have to shatter your illusions." "Randolph, my son, there is no Santa Claus." "And that child..." "Don't you really know what's the matter with him?" " You get out of here." " What is it?" " Call the police at once." " Yes, call the police." " Quiet!" "We don't need police." " Bertha, I wish someone would explain what this is about." " Believe me, the excitement is exaggerated." " How dare you speak?" " Have you no shame?" " Oh, Grandpapa." " Don't you call him Grandpapa." " How dare you?" "Shut up." " Go ahead, call me Grandpapa." " Merci beaucoup." "You are very kind." "I'm very kind, but you'd better go and pack your things." "And if you're not out in a very little while, I'll come and help you." " l wish you would, Grandpapa." " Oh, shame." "The shame." "Leave this house." "Go!" "There is old French saying, "lf you are thrown out of house, you'd better resign." Au revoir." "(hiccups) I would appreciate it if someone told me what this has to do with Henry." "Fortunately, French being one of my favourite subjects, I understood the conversation between Henry and Mademoiselle." " l don't know how to begin..." " All right." " Henry had a glass of wine." "We all know that." " Henry?" "Intoxicated?" "From what I overheard, at, or about, ten o'clock last night," "Henry and this foreign young woman slipped out of the house." "Before doing this, Henry took possession of his father's dress clothes, including $20 which Uncle was negligent enough to leave in his pocket." " They went to Delmonico's." " Did they have a good time?" " They drank champagne." " Our little baby drank champagne." " Thank you, Albert." " But that's not all." "It seems, from what I could gather, that Mrs Asterbrook, who was at an adjoining table, resented the idea of Henry dropping a nickel in her décolletage and complaining to the management because no chocolate bar dropped out of her." "Mrs Asterbrook." "How can I ever face her?" " What a disgrace." " l'm going to teach that boy a lesson." "That's what he deserves, throwing nickels around like that." "Knowing the Asterbrooks, I can tell you, we'll never see that nickel again." "I have reached my decision." "That boy is to be spanked." " Randolph, don't hurt him." "Please, don't." " Oh, no, no." "No, Randolph." "He's such a baby." " l assume there'll be no further celebrations." " l'm afraid not." "I can utilise this time very beneficially so I'll say goodbye." "Goodbye, Albert." "You're a real credit to the family." "Thank you, Grandfather." "(♪ "Happy Birthday")" "It was a Sunday morning, the day of my 26th birthday." "Oh, that boy." "At least poor Grandmother, may her soul rest in peace, was spared seeing a day like this." "Oh, Randolph." "Randolph, where can he be?" "Where can he be?" "Now, now. I'd like to give you some consolation, but all I can say is, chins up." "Oh, Randolph, where does he get it from?" "I give up, Bertha." "I never gambled in all my life." " l never got entangled with a girl until you." " You call it entangled?" " l mean, you entangled my heart." " We entangled each other's hearts." "Believe me, I never knew what a musical comedy girl looked like." " What can he derive from their company?" " To me they were from another planet." "Where does he get it?" "Nobody in our family was musical." "I wouldn't know how to find the stage entrance to a theatre." "It's always around in the back, up an alleyway." "There's a sign over the door, "Stage entrance"." "You can't miss it." " l'm not interested, Father. I never was." " But where does the boy get it from?" "Father built the importing company." "When he stopped, I carried on." "From the day I left Harvard I earned every dollar I ever spent." "Then why do you give him money?" "I have to save the family name." "What about you?" "Handing him hundreds." " Would you have given it to me?" " No." " But you give it to him." "Why?" "Why?" "Why?" " Because I like him." "Does that mean that you don't like me?" "Son, I love you." "Now shut up and leave me alone." "Good morning." " Good morning." " Morning, Albert." " Good morning." " Morning." " Good morning, Uncle." " Good morning." "I just came in to bring a little birthday remembrance for Henry." "Anything wrong?" "Isn't he home?" "11 o'clock, Sunday morning. lf l know my cousin Henry, he's probably still in church." " l mean that humorously." " l'm struggling successfully against the gout, I'm waging a terrific battle with my liver, and I'm holding my own against asthma, but I doubt if I have strength enough to survive yourjokes." "You're a successful lawyer." "Let it go at that. I love you, Albert." "It was sweet of you." "I hope he'll be here tonight to thank you." "I hope so too, or I'd be in an embarrassing position with my future in-laws." "We're eager to meet your fiancée." " How does she like New York?" " ls she enjoying herself?" "She's only been here two days, so it's overwhelming. I took her to the aquarium, we rode the elevator in the Flatiron Building, and, naturally, we ended up in Grant's Tomb." " Naturally." " Uh, and her parents?" " How does the big butcher like New York?" " Now, Father, please." "You're referring to my father-in-law, who is one of the great meat packers of our time." "Yes, Father Van Cleve." "Don't you realise every piece of beef we eat comes from one of Mr Strable's many plants?" "Does that include the steak I fought with last night?" "You don't have any idea of the importance of Mr Strable." "He created the most famous character in advertising, Mabel." " You've seen her on billboards." " That big happy cow, smiling over the fence and saying, in big letters..." "How does it go?" ""To the world my name is Mabel, which you find on every label."" ""l am packed by EF Strable for the pleasure of your table."" "No cow in its right mind could've said anything like that." "Sounds like Mr Strable." "I beg of you." "The family understands your humour, but it's a typical New York humour." " ln other words, it's not for yokels." " (door opens) I beg your pardon, sir." "Mr Henry just came home." "He went directly upstairs." "(door slams)" "Aunt, when you see Henry will you tell him I have the right to demand he keep the shadow of scandal off our name?" "You see, my future in-laws are pioneer people and... (Grandfather) "Packed by EF Strable for the pleasure of our table." Holy smoke." " Goodbye, Aunt Bertha." " Goodbye, Albert." " This time I was firm." " What happened?" "He asked for $100, but I told him I'd let him have only $50." " Randolph." " Not right away." "For the first time in 27 years, I feel like criticising you." "What do you want me to do?" "Spank a 26 year old?" "No, but at least I expected a verbal lashing." " Are you all right, my boy?" " Yes, Mother." "Many happy returns of the day." "Mother, I'm sorry if I made you unhappy." "Grandfather, Father and I are worried to death about you." "You don't give family a thought." "All you think about is having what you call a good time." " l went out last night to raise Cain." " You mustn't talk like that." "Don't worry, I didn't. I couldn't." "I couldn't get her out of my mind." "Son, you worry me." "Are you well?" "Mother, when you saw Father the first time, did you feel that unmistakeable something?" "Did you feel a spark that swept over you like a hurricane and threw you to the ground, but you bounced and floated over treetops?" "Spark?" "Hurricane?" "Heaven forbid. I never had such a feeling." "Where do you get it from?" "Not from me, and certainly your father never had any spark." "Mother, all I'm trying to say is I met a girl yesterday." "Oh. I hope she comes from a good family." "I don't know, and, frankly, I don't care." "Mother, when one sees a lovely rose..." "One can be certain she comes from a fine rosebush." "Even if this girl's father turned out to be a buttercup, I wouldn't care." "What's her name?" "Where does she live?" " l wish I knew." " She isn't one of the musical comedy girls?" "Oh, no, Mother." "It's an entirely different kind of music." "It's not the hootchy-kootchy, it's not the cancan." "It's like a waltz by Strauss, like a minuet by Mozart." "Henry, where do you get it from?" "From you, Mother." "Now, you must be just." "When I was a boy, you wanted me to believe in fairy tales." "And now one has happened..." "You remember that story?" "I think he was a shepherd, walking in the woods..." " Oh, you've been in the country." " No, Mother. lt happened right on Broadway." "Suddenly the young man saw a big castle and leaning out was the beautiful princess." "Nothing could stop him." " He climbed up the parapet of the castle..." " You haven't broken into the Waldorf again?" "Mother, darling, let's forget the fairy tale." "Well, it's about time you grew up. I came here to scold you and I'm going to do it." "Look at your cousin." "Not much older than you are, and already a corporation lawyer, engaged to a lovely girl of a well-known family." "Now, this may sound severe, but you've got to pull yourself together and settle down." "I don't think I'll ever find this girl, but if I did, your troubles would be over." "If she didn't want me to gamble, I wouldn't look at another card. I'd stay home." "Mother, I might even go to work." "Henry, that's wonderful." "I don't know about the girl, but the fact you have the desire to settle makes me so happy." "For the first time you're beginning to sound like your father." "I don't know where this girl is, so don't expect too much." "Oh, now, listen to your mother." "Don't worry about that girl." "Another girl'll come along." " l'll look for one myself, how's that?" " Fine." "When I find a girl, she'll be Miss Right." "And do you know where we'll find her?" "In the home of Mr and Mrs Right." "Oh, Henry, you're making me so happy." "Mother, I was riding around for hours and hours, trying to forget this girl." " Oh, child, don't worry." " Well, it was very expensive." "The cab is still waiting out front, and the driver was so nice that I promised him... I know." "Your heart's always bigger than your father's pocketbook." "Look under your pillow." "I put something there last night." "Oh, Mother." "Sometimes I wonder if you're not spoiling me." " Here." " Thank you." " This is a great occasion." "You must be proud." " l think we have a pretty good son." " And the Strable family are..." " We couldn't ask anything better." "Wonderful." "Mr and Mrs Strable and Miss Strable." "Good evening, Grandfather, Aunt Bertha, Uncle Randolph." "Dear, dear family, it is my privilege and honour to present Mr and Mrs EF Strable." "And last, but not least, well... here she is." "(all murmur approval)" " How do you do, madam?" " How do you do?" "I can't tell you how much I've been looking forward to meeting you." "All my life, I've wanted to see the wide open spaces." "If Mohammed can't go to the mountain, the mountain must come to Mohammed." "You're welcome." " Yes, we're pretty proud of Kansas." " Naturally." "And you, Mr Strable." "Welcome to our family." "Mr Van Cleve." "We people from the West don't talk much, but when we say something we mean it." "Thank you." "Thank you for the chance to meet the man who feeds the nation." "I hope this will be the beginning of a long friendship." "May you lie as solidly anchored in our hearts as you do in our stomachs." "And, Grandfather, this is Martha." "So this is Martha, huh?" " Well, Martha." " Yes, Mr Van Cleve?" " Grandpa." " Yes, Grandpa." "If I were about 50 years younger, I'd take you away from that splendid young man you're going to marry and who's going to make you a wonderful husband." "Kiss your grandpa." " Well, I see the mob's assembled." " Yes, sir." " Flogdell, is that..." " That's Mr Strable." "And that spreading chestnut tree?" " That's Mrs Strable." " And where's the lucky girl?" "Standing beside your Aunt Minetta, with her back to us." "She's just turning around." "Charming young lady, if I may say so." "I don't think I can stand this party." "Get my hat and coat." " But, sir..." " My hat and coat." " There you are." "Many happy returns." " Thank you." "Now it's about time for you to meet the Strables." "Where are you going?" " Out." " l beg you to stay and behave, just once." "The Strables want to congratulate you." " Oh, Martha." "Martha?" " Yes, Albert?" "I want you to meet Henry." "This is the cousin whose birthday we're celebrating today." "Many happy returns, Mr Van Cleve." " Cousin Henry." " Cousin Henry." " Thank you, Cousin Martha." " Well, here she is, Henry." "I've done my duty, bringing new blood in." "It'll be your turn next." " That's most unlikely." " All you need to do is to meet the right girl." " lt's difficult. I'll never have your luck." " Yes, no question about it. I'm lucky." "Well, shall we go in?" "Father Strable." "Father Strable." " Don't be afraid." " l should have told him." " lt shall remain our secret. I promise." " Thank you." "Yes, we had a secret." "The most innocent secret I ever had." "It happened Saturday morning in Wanamaker's department store." "(Martha) Hello, Mother?" "I'm at the hairdresser's." "They're still doing my hair." "Yes?" "Oh, yes." "Just a moment and I'll ask them how long it'll be." "Here was a girl lying to her mother." "Naturally, that girl interested me at once." "They say it'll take about 15 more minutes." "I'll be home at the most in half an hour." "Don't worry, Mother." "Goodbye." "Why was this angel lying to her mother?" "I had to find out, so I followed her." "But even if she hadn't lied to her mother, I would've followed her anyway." " May I help you, miss?" " Thank you." "I would like to see a..." "Are there no women clerks?" "Unfortunately not, but it might make you feel easier if I tell you that I'm usually chosen by the management to handle the more delicate situations." "As a matter of fact, they call me the bookworms' little mother." "Well, it's..." "Maybe I'd better come back some other time." "Please, miss." "My employer is watching and if he sees me losing a customer it might cost me my job." "I'm sorry." "Naturally I wouldn't like to deprive you of your livelihood." "Oh, thank you, thank you." " Thank you again and again." " Well, the title of the book is..." "Yes?" "I saw it in the corner of the window, between To Have and to Hold and When Knighthood Was in Flower." "There you are." "I probably should apologise." "I imagine I should have called you madam." " No, it's still miss." " But not for long, I presume." "That's quite right." "How much is the book?" "We'll charge it if you'll give me your name and address." "Thank you, but I'd rather pay." "How much?" " lt's very expensive." " That's all right." "This is against the interests of Mr Brentano, but since I am, so to speak, your literary confessor, I must be honest with you." "Don't buy this." "You don't need it. I'll tell you something much more appropriate." " Leave your nest and fly away with me." " l might buy that book too." "We don't have it in stock right now, but I'd love to discuss the idea, and if you like it... I'm afraid I haven't much time, so, please, will you tell me" "how much is How to make your Husband Happy?" "Look at her" " Dr Blossom Franklin." "Where could she have found out how to make her husband happy?" "You don't want to learn anything from her." " You're charming, young and beautiful." " Pardon?" "You shouldn't say such things." "When selling literature one gets poetic, and you must forgive me if I take poetic licence." "I'd rather not discuss it." "If you don't mind, I'd like to buy this book." "I do mind." "Now, imagine I'm the man you're going to marry." " l couldn't imagine any such thing." " What's the matter?" "I'm that terrible?" "Please, I just came in here to buy a book." "That's all." "I understand, but for the sake of discussion let's say we are getting married." "I don't want anybody to tell you how to make me happy." "The greatest gift you could bring is to be just as you are - adorable." " All I want is a book." " Stubborn, eh?" " What?" " Pardon my poetic licence." "If you don't change your attitude, I'll have to complain." "I'm not employed here." "I'm not a book salesman." "I took one look and followed you in." "If you walked into a restaurant I'd be a waiter." "A burning building, a fireman." "If you'd walked into an elevator I would've stopped it and spent our lives there." "Please, you can't walk out of my life like that." "Your behaviour's outrageous. lt's mad." " l must insist you leave." " Never." "is this man annoying you?" "If he is, just say so. I'll take care of him." "Am I annoying you?" "Tell the officer." "No, the gentleman was just saying goodbye." " Well, goodbye." " Goodbye." "This was our terrible secret." "(woman sings opera)" " l'm terribly sorry, Albert." " You don't seem to realise who's singing." " l know, young Mrs Cooper-Cooper." " lt wouldn't be half so embarrassing..." "But Mr Cooper-Cooper is your client." "I haven't forgotten." " But what could I do?" "I had to sneeze." " But in the middle of her aria." "Five times." "Because I had to sneeze five times." "Suppose some day in the future I had to sneeze." "Then you sneeze, naturally." "Don't you worry." "After all, I'm taking you for better or for worse." " Do you think you may have to sneeze again?" " l can't guarantee it." "Let's not take chances." "Why don't you go in the library and rest?" "See how things develop." "Make yourself comfortable." "Read a book." "I'd better go back for the encore." "Yes, dear." "(operatic singing continues)" " Cousin Henry." " Yes, Cousin Martha." " Never do anything like that again." " ls that what you came to tell me?" "I think it's outrageous. I hardly know you." "Why, even my own fiancée never dared to..." " Kiss you?" " Of course he kissed me." "Why not?" "After all, we're engaged." "But he never kissed me like that." "Like what?" "Oh, I hate you. I hate you." "I don't even know why I stay in the same room with you." "Please forgive me." "Can't we be friends?" "Just friends?" "Never." "Now, look, we're going to be related, aren't we?" " We'll see each other." "How can we help it?" " We can't." "If we meet, we don't have to talk about personal things, about you and me." " Let's talk about something neutral." "Albert." " Why not?" " By the way, do you love Albert?" " l'm marrying him, am I not?" " Are you?" " Yes, I am." "No, you're not." "You can't." "You haven't got the book." " What book?" " How to make your Husband Happy." "It might interest you to know I went and bought it." "How do you make a man happy whom you don't love?" "Now, look here, Cousin Henry." "Albert's a fine man." "Yes, he is." "He's good and he has integrity." " And he's full of high ideals." " Do you love him?" "I'm going to make him a very fine wife." "At least, I'm going to try my best." "There'll never be a moment he'll regret having married me." "If you ask one more question I'm going to leave this room and never come back again." "Never." "I still can't understand it." "An angel like you, and Albert." "It doesn't make sense." "Why do you want to marry him?" "Well, you see, I always wanted to live in New York." "I don't want to say anything against Kansas, but life on my father's estate..." "Don't misunderstand me, we have the modern luxuries, but you don't know Father and Mother." " l've only just met them." " Don't you think they're sweet?" " Yes." "Very sweet." " Yes, they are." "But it's not very easy to live with them." "Most of the time they don't talk to one another, and whenever a young man   and there were some very nice ones..." " Oh, I'm sure of it." "If one of them asked for my hand and my mother said yes, my father said no." "And when my father said yes, my mother said no." "Albert came at one of those rare moments when they were both on speaking terms, and if I hadn't said yes, who knows when my parents might have been talking to each other again?" "I might have spent the rest of my life in Kansas." "Don't misunderstand me, I love Kansas." "It's just that I don't feel like living there." "Besides that, I didn't want to be an old maid." "Not in Kansas." "You'll live here." "You don't have to marry Albert." " What are you talking about?" " You'll get married, but not to Albert." "You won't have to change your initials." "You're going to marry me." "Oh, we can't do that." "How can I marry you?" " l'm not engaged to you." " Do you love me?" " l hardly know you." " You don't need to." "You love or you don't." " You're mad." "You must be out of your mind." " Do you love me?" "Trying to take the fiancée of your cousin, causing a scandal." " Do you love me?" " Yes." "Oh, why did you ever come into my life?" "To make you happy." "To hold you in my arms forever." "I'll never be able to look my father in the face, or go to Kansas." "Isn't that wonderful?" "Oh, I wish I were dead." " Look, let's get away, get married tonight." " You mean elope?" " That's what I mean." " Where?" "I never did such a thing." "I feel so helpless. I haven't got a thing with me. I wish I were dead." "Romeo and Juliet didn't stop to say goodbye." "When Leander swam the Hellespont he didn't take a case." "When Tristan falls in love they sing for hours, and all I'm asking is to drive to the justice of the peace." "What are we waiting for?" "(operatic singing continues)" "(sneezes)" "(all speak at once)" " What happened?" " They left in a cab to get married." " Married?" " (all gasp)" " Oh, Randolph, where does he get it from?" " Now, now, Bertha." "Keep a stiff upper lip." "Sir, I am still too dazed to express myself clearly, but the sentiments of our family are with you." "If this happened at home, my husband would jump on a horse and lasso them." "Don't you tell me what I would do." "But there's one thing I am going to do - disinherit her." "She'll never see a nickel of mine." " We came here from Kansas a happy family." " Well, a family." " We loved our Martha." " Don't mention her name again." "If she comes back on her knees, she'll find the door closed." "And don't you open it." "Please, dear family, thank you for your efforts to comfort me in my bereavement, but I feel there are others who need even more consolation than I do." "Uncle Randolph and Aunt Bertha, you'll forget as the years pass by that you are the parents of the guilty party." "And you, Mr and Mrs Strable, well, there's very little I can say to sustain you." "And to you, Mrs Cooper-Cooper, I offer our deepest apology for the unfortunate interruption of your beautiful aria." "I would like to go on, but the strain is too much." "Flogdell." " Do you know where they are?" " No." "We've been together 30 years." "You've never lied." " Now, do you know where they were going?" " Yes." " Get your coat, a cab, and go like lightning." " Very well, sir." " l think they should have a honeymoon." " l think so." "Hurry, hurry, hurry." "She was packed by EF Strable to be served at Albert's table, but that Henry changed the label." "That's poetry." "In the next ten years, old houses were torn down." "New houses rose taller and taller." "New York was changing all over, but our marriage had lasted just like our two-storey grey stone house." "(coughs)" " Good morning, Flogdell." " Sir." " You're new." " Yes." " How long have you been here?" " A year." "Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes." "(coughs)" "(whistles "Yankee Doodle")" " Sh." "Jackie." " Good morning, Daddy." "You're not to bounce that until your mother is up." " Sorry." " l've told you many times." "I'm always sorry. I bet you'd like to know what I'm going to give you for your birthday." " l'm dying to know." " Something to wear." " Let's see now. ls it a tie?" " l'm not telling. I'll give you a hint." "It has 22 colours in it." " No tie can have that many, so it can't be." " lt can't be, huh?" "Now, I'm not saying it is a tie, but there wouldn't be another one like it in the world." " l can believe that, Jackie." " How old are you going to be?" " 36." " That's pretty old, isn't it?" "Well, I never thought about it, but I guess it is." "Daddy, when you were as old as me, what kind of a kid were you?" "I was very obedient." "When my parents told me to go to bed, I went without arguing." " l did my schoolwork, brushed my teeth." " Gee, I guess you were a wonderful boy." " Well, I suppose I was." " Then old Grandpa must be a terrible liar." "Well, goodbye, Daddy." "Where does he get it from?" " Good morning." "How are you feeling?" " (coughs)" " That's fine." "Morning, Mother." " Good morning, Henry." "Mother, I want you to look at this." " Do you think Martha will like it?" " Oh, it's beautiful." " After ten years of me, she's entitled to it." " Yes, ten years next Tuesday and you'll be 36." "If your father could be here and share this happiness with us." "I always thank heaven he lived to see you settle down, become a fine husband, good father and a wonderful son." "Well, it's all Martha, and only Martha." "You know, I'm the luckiest man in the world." "She's a fine wife and she has a good influence." "And she's pretty lucky herself." "(coughs)" "Yes." "Don't be a mother-in-law." "By the way, isn't she coming to breakfast?" "I didn't go into her room." "The opera lasted until after midnight so she's tired." "Thank you." " Anything serious?" " No." "No, nothing." "Excuse me. I'll be right back." "(Grandfather coughs)" "Where is she?" " Let me see that telegram." " lt's personal." "There's nothing..." "So, you don't trust me any more, hm?" "I'm getting too old." "Henry, you mean we've lost Martha?" "It's impossible. lt's incredible." "Itjust doesn't make sense, Martha leaving me." "What did you do?" "What happened?" "I don't know how I can go on living without her." "Grandpa, I love Martha more than anything in the world." "I didn't ask you that, I asked you what happened." "I don't know." "I always thought she was very happy with me." "I don't know what she's heard." "You know how people talk about anybody." "No man is perfect." "But running away like this, believe me, I can't see any reason for it." "If a woman like Martha runs away from her husband, there must be a reason." "Now, look here, Henry." "You were the only Van Cleve I ever really cared about. I loved you." "You were like me - at least, I thought so." "All the things I wanted to be." "You did the things I wanted to do and didn't." "Now you've let me down." "Grandpa, I can't live without her." "What am I going to do?" "That's up to you, but let me tell you one thing." "I'm an old man." "I might have to go any day now." "And if you can't make Martha forgive you, I'll be waiting up there, right in the entrance." "And if you ever dare to climb up that ladder, I'll hit you on the head with a baseball bat." "(coughs)" "Jasper!" " Jasper!" " Jasper!" "Jasper!" "Jasper!" " Yes, sir?" " Where are the funny papers?" " Boss, now, you see, it was..." " Get 'em, and get 'em right now!" "Yes, sir." " Good morning, Mrs Strable." " Morning, Jasper." "It's terrible bad weather we're having today." "You know, when I see it pouring like this, I often wonder where does it all come from." "You tell Mr Strable he'll get the funny papers when I'm through, not one second sooner." "Yes, ma'am. I certainly will." "Excuse me, ma'am." "Boss, I just had a very fine conversation with the missus, and she says if you'll just be good enough now to give the matter a little patience, as soon as she finishes The Katzenjammer Kids, I ... I came down especially early this morning to find out if the captain got out of the barrel." "This goes on every Sunday, and I'm not going to stand it any more." " Jasper!" " Excuse me, Mr Strable." " Yes, ma'am?" " You can tell Mr Strable the captain got out." "Boss, boss!" "Got good news for you." "The captain is out." "Ain't that fine?" "Now you can have a few more cakes." "Oh, just a couple." "I can't see how he could get out of that barrel." "Why, that barrel had wooden slats nailed down on the top and the bottom, and steel bands all around it, and they left it in the middle of the desert." " How could he ever get out of it?" " Eat your cakes while they're nice and hot." "In the meantime, I'll see what I can find out." " Another lamb chop, Mrs Strable?" " l don't mind." "About that barrel, the way he got out of it was a friendly snake came crawling..." "Don't tell me!" "You know it's no fun unless I read it myself." "What are you trying to do?" "Ruin my Sunday?" "Will you tell Mr Strable I was talking to you?" "Jasper, the snake came crawling along in the desert, wound itself around the barrel, and then, crunch!" "I can't live in this house any longer." " Mr Strable." " What do you want?" "There's a gentleman to see you, say he's from New York." "His name is Van Cleve." " Van Cleve?" " That's the gentleman's name, sir." "The nerve, trying to walk into this house." "Tell him to go back where he came from." " Yes, ma'am." " Wait." "Maybe I want to see Mr Van Cleve." "And if I want to see him, he'll come in." "And if I want him to stay here, he'll stay right here." " Daisy?" " Yes." "You tell him if he's not off these premises in ten seconds, I'll wring his neck." " l'll most certainly tell him." " Get me fresh hot cakes." "Yes, sir." "Excuse me, sir, but maybe something done happened to Miss Martha." " You talk too much." " Yes, sir." " Jasper." " Yes, ma'am." " Tell that man to come in." " Yes, ma'am." " Hurry up." " Yes, sir." "Van Cleve, if you please." "How do you do?" " Oh, it's the other one." " lt's Albert." "Hello, Albert." " How do you do, Mrs Strable?" " How do you do?" " How do you do?" " Well, we haven't seen each other since..." "Not since that ill-fated occasion ten years ago tomorrow." " Hm." "Had breakfast?" " Yes." " Sit down, anyway." " Thank you." " Got business in Kansas?" " l was on my way to California, but I said to myself, "Why shouldn't I pay my respects to those charming Strables?"" " Well, what do you want?" " Nothing." "Nothing in particular." " Good." " Oh, yes." "There is one bit of news." "I'll bet you can't guess whom I met on the train." "Probably not." "How's business in New York?" "Very good." "Well, I don't want to keep you in suspense any longer." "I met your own daughter, Martha." " Don't mention her in this house." " We don't want to hear anything about her." "My dear friends, speaking as ajurist, may I say that even in our penal code we have provided a system of parole." "And I have reason to believe that the party - whose name I will not mention in this house   has amply paid for her mistake." " Good." "I am sure there is nothing she'd like better than to come back to the nest." "So she wants to leave him and now she remembers us." "Not a chance, Albert." "That's final." "Well, she's waiting in a carriage in front of this very house." "Who?" " Martha?" " Martha?" "Here?" "Yes, Mr and Mrs Strable." "Shall I bring her in?" "I don't know what Mrs Strable thinks." "And I don't care." "I don't care what you think." "She might as well stay till the rain's over." "All right." "(Albert) Oh, Martha." "Martha!" "Hello." " Hello, Father." " Hello." " Hello, Mother." " Hello, Martha." " Welcome home, Miss." "We all missed you." " Thank you, Jasper." " Get outta here." "You talk too much." " Yes, sir." "I assume things between daughter and parents are better left to the daughter and to the parents. lf you'll excuse me." "Well, I suppose it was a pretty muddy ride from the station in all that rain." "Yes, I suppose it was." " Do you want breakfast?" " Sunday morning - we got wheat cakes." "Thank you, Father, but I'm not hungry." "Well, the place hasn't changed much, has it?" " No, it looks exactly the same." " Maybe now you'll appreciate your home." "It took you ten years to find we were right." "If you'd listened to your mother..." " .." "And your father, it might've been different." " l'd better be going." "You're getting touchy, huh?" "If anyone has a right to be angry, it's us." "But we're willing to let bygones be bygones." "We're not made of stone." "If a daughter comes home and is sorry..." " l'm not sorry and I don't want forgiveness." " Then what did you come home for?" "I came because I wanted to see you." "If you expect me to get down on my knees..." "Now, now, forget it." "After all, you were young and it probably was all the fault of that..." "Please. I don't want to hear an unpleasant word about the last ten years, or I have to go." "Martha." "You look so tired, dear." " Well, no wonder." "After all..." " Can't you keep still?" "It's all dead and buried, and let's forget it." "Come on, let's go upstairs." "You're going to have a nice hot bath, then you're going to lie down." "Now, how's that, huh?" "So he really got out of that barrel." "Well, what do you think of that?" "(muted)" "(muted)" "(dog barks)" "(barking continues)" "Jasper!" "Jasper, what's all that noise about?" "I had a talk with Chuck." "He says somebody says they saw prowlers on the grounds." "Maybe them horse thieves." " Tell Chuck to keep after 'em." " Yes, sir." " lf necessary, shoot 'em." " Yes, sir." "Excuse me, but if you don't mind, I think I'll go upstairs. I'm getting tired." "Good night." " Good night." " Good night." " Good night." "Remember, breakfast at 7:30." " Yes, Mother." " Good night, Albert." " Good night, Martha." "Martha." "Well, Martha, I want you to have a restful night." " Why not?" "Your troubles are actually over." " l suppose you're right." "I know I am." "You paid for your mistakes, and paid dearly." "Now, I don't want anybody to get the impression I'm the victim of years of misery." "Nothing of the kind." "On the contrary, there were moments which few women have been lucky enough to experience." " Times when you were lifted up to the sky." " Yes, way up." "Only to be dropped afterward." "That's not the purpose of marriage." "Marriage isn't a series of thrills." "Marriage is a peaceful, balanced adjustment of right-thinking people." "I'm afraid that's only too true." "Well, good night, Albert." "Martha, there's one other thought I want you to sleep with." "My feelings for you have remained unchanged." "That's very kind of you, Albert, and I'm touched." "I'm not the flashy type like some people." "I'd say I was rather on the conservative side." "If I were, for instance, a suit, you wouldn't call me a stylish cut." "And I prefer it that way." "But I can safely say I'm made of solid material." "I'm sewed together carefully and my lining is good, Martha." "Frankly, I believe I wear well." "I'm not too hot in the summer, and I give protection in the winter." "Need I say more?" "No, Albert." "You've given a complete and accurate description of yourself." " Good night." " Thank you, Martha." " Miss Martha." "Excuse me." " Yes." " That thief..." " Did you catch him?" "Yes, ma'am." "He's in your room, waiting for you." "In my room?" " You mean?" " Yes, miss." "That's him." "Martha, darling, sweetheart." "How could you do this?" "Don't you realise what I went through?" " Henry." " Running away like that." "Can't you imagine how I suffered?" "How could you do this to me?" "Oh, Martha." "Martha." " Henry, it won't work any more." " What's Albert doing here?" " l met him by accident." "He was nice to me." " You expect me to believe that?" "Here I am, looking all over the world for my wife, and where do I find her?" "2,000 miles away in a lonely place with a man." "I don't see how I can stand any more." "Henry, it won't work." "Very well. lf it comes to a point where a woman doubts her husband's sincerity, there's nothing more to do." "Everything is over." " Goodbye, Martha." " Goodbye, Henry." "Martha, I really mean this. I'm going." "I know you mean it, Henry." "All right." "Just five minutes to pull myself together and you'll never see me again." "Oh, Henry, I know your every move." "I know your outraged indignation." "I know the poor, weeping little boy." "I know the misunderstood, strong, silent man." "The wounded lion who's too proud to explain what happened in the jungle last night." " So I'm a fake. I'm false. I'm cheap." " Oh, Henry, please." " l brought you unhappiness." " That's not true." " So we had good times." " Wonderful times." "What do you want?" "What did I do?" " You can't hang a man without evidence." " l know." "If I only knew what is in your mind." "Have you seen Minetta recently?" " Yes, of course." " Oh, now everything is clear." "This is something so unimportant." "When she saw me, yes, I was at The Plaza, having tea, at the table was a woman, but there was nothing to it." " l would've explained..." " You didn't want to make me uncomfortable." " That's right." "That's exactly right." " lt won't work." "And Aunt Minetta didn't say one word about you." " As for the lady at The Plaza..." " l can explain." "Oh, I know you can." "You're a master at that." "All right. I'm fighting a losing battle." "I don't love you." " l love everybody more than you." " There you go again." "(clock chimes)" "It's 25 October." "Many happy returns." "Thank you, Martha, but it's something much more important than my birthday." "It's our anniversary." "Ten years ago today, I was almost as much in love with you as I am right now." "It's very difficult for a woman to send her husband away on their tenth anniversary, especially when he speaks as beautifully as you do." " But I must do it." " All right, darling." "I know it's all over." "I'm sure you'll find someone else who will be really worthy of you." "But let's pretend, just for a minute." "Happy anniversary." " Do you like it?" " l'd say it cost at least $10,000." "For that money, it's a very good purchase." " Martha, how can you talk like that?" " lf you'd forgotten to give me this bracelet, I probably would have been foolish enough to be in your arms right now." "You've no idea what a mistake you made." "The magician played one trick too many." "The other day I was having a new photograph made of Jackie and me." "I wanted to have it the right size to fit into your wallet, so I slipped into your room." "This fell out of your wallet." "I don't ever remember having received any bracelet from you on or about May 2." "So that's what it's all about." "And to think that you went through all this just because the jeweller made a mistake!" "Naturally, I didn't buy a bracelet for $500." "Has Cartier ever made a mistake in our bills before?" "I love you. I think you're the most beautiful thing in all the world." "Do you really believe there's any woman good enough to take me away from you?" " Henry..." " lf Cartier doesn't admit this is a mistake..." " You won't buy there any more." " lt won't work." " Grandpa!" " Martha, my darling." " Let's get started." "Let's pack." " Grandpa, what do you mean?" "You're going back with us to New York." "What are you standing there for?" "You're making a bad job of it." "Sweep her off her feet, or we'll miss the train." "If I can't make her happy, I don't want her back. I mean this." "That's good." " Martha, let's face it." "You want a divorce." " l see no other way." " What about Jackie?" " l want him." " He should get away from me." " Oh, I didn't mean it that way." "I did. I adore the boy, and therefore I think he shouldn't be with me." "A child shouldn't be deprived of his father." "Do you want him to grow up to be another me and make his wife as unhappy as I've made you?" " Are the rest of your things in the closet?" " Yes." " Do you know what Jackie did the other day?" " What?" " He bought some ice cream for a little girl." " What's wrong about that?" "That girl was not the girl he should have bought it for." "It wasn't?" "The little devil." "And when the one girl found out that the other girl..." " That boy got himself into such a mess." " Oh, if I only could have been there." "You should have seen him getting himself out of that." " Did he?" " The little girl likes him better than before." "Good." "What a child." " Believe me, he is a problem." " l suppose so." "When he makes up little stories, you know they're just stories, but he wants you to believe them so badly you wish you could." "What can you do but...?" " Happy anniversary." " l'm too confused." " l must collect myself." " Let her make up her mind." " She can do that on the train." " And my parents?" " Send a telegram." " Sneak out in the night?" " Exactly." " Like burglars?" "We did it once before." "How many people have the thrill of eloping twice in one marriage?" "How many women love their husbands enough to forgive them?" "How many men love their wives enough to pretend they're guilty?" " Careful." " Nothing that amounts to much." "I wouldn't go any further into that." "We'd better get started. I'll see if the coast is clear." " (whispers) Jasper." "Everything ready?" " Yes, sir." "Out in front." "Jasper, all my life I've wanted to run away with a woman, and, Jasper, it's happening!" "Thank you, sir." "All right, come on." "(Jasper) Goodbye, Miss Martha." "Goodbye." "(snores)" "(grunts)" "Albert!" "Come!" "And so farewell, dear EF Strable." "We'll take Martha." "You keep Mabel." "Yippee!" "Then one birthday began following another." "Faster and faster." "Each year there were more and more candles, and less and less... (blows)" "Yes, I became 45." "Then came 46, 47, and I stopped counting." "On one of these birthdays, Martha and I, just the two of us, went to the follies." "♪ I'm the sheikh of Araby" "♪ Yes, indeed, he's the sheikh of Araby" "♪ Your love belongs to me" "♪ We're in love, we're in love as you can see" "♪ At night when you're asleep" "♪ Every night when the moon is shining bright" "♪ into your tent I'll creep" "♪ You'll be creeping when we're asleep" "♪ The stars that shine above" "♪ Way up high in the sky up above" "♪ Will light our way to love" "♪ Will light our way to love" "♪ You'll rule this land with me" "♪ How happy we will always be" "♪ The sheikh of Araby" "Suddenly, I noticed a very attractive girl coming down the staircase." "To me she was just another attractive girl, but, I must admit, attractive." "Anyway, a few weeks later, I happened to find out that her name was Peggy Nash, and I happened to hear things about her which made me very eager to meet Miss Nash." " (woman) Yes?" " A Mr Jones to see you." "I'll be out in a minute." " Will you come in, please, Mr Jones?" " Thank you." " Miss Nash will be with you in just a minute." " Thank you." " How do you do, Mr Jones?" " How do you do, Miss Nash?" " Won't you sit down?" " Thank you." "Thank you so much for those beautiful, beautiful roses." "When I saw you at the follies coming down that stairway, I said to myself..." " "That's the girl of my dreams"?" " Uh... that's right." "You see, Miss Nash..." " Call me Peggy." " Well, this is delightful." "Hello, Peggy." "Hello, Jonesy." "Let me tell you, that note that came with your flowers..." " You liked it?" " Who wouldn't?" "It was so full of charm." "It had all the quaintness of bygone days." " Really?" " Yes." "Men don't write that way any more." "Oh, why are there so few of you left?" "To tell you the truth, I didn't exactly come up here to be admired as a museum piece." " Now, don't be touchy." " Yeah." "Anyway, Miss Nash..." "Peggy." "Anyway, Peggy, I'm sure it's a waste of time to talk of the past when the present can be so lovely that one anticipates a delightful future." "Oh, thank you, Jonesy." "What a difference." "You know, the moment you meet somebody of today, he says, "How about it, babe?"" "Then he pulls out a diamond bracelet, and before you know it, there it is on your wrist." "How crude." "How crude." "Yes, very crude." "And let me tell you, a bracelet hastily presented is usually selected hastily, whereas a bracelet chosen with care..." " Has better stones?" " The very best." "Oh, Jonesy, Jonesy, you make it all sound so wonderful." " But how could I explain such a gift to...?" " To whom?" " Oh." "Friend of yours?" " Very much so." " Serious?" " l'm afraid it is." "What could I do to make you forget this young man?" "Jonesy, you're asking a lot." "Just look at him." " He seems very young." " Not too young." "Would it be indiscreet of me to ask who this young man is?" "Come on, Mr Van Cleve." "Don't you know your own son?" "No, I didn't fall into your trap." "You know, girls are awfully smart these days." "It must be sad for the great cavalier of the gay '90s to find his technique is getting rusty." "Yes, I've heard all about the daring Henry." "I understand in my mother's day you were, and I'm sure you had, a very dashing figure." "And now you're a kind of... retired Casanova." "It's always the same with men when they retire." "Some grow flowers, and... some grow a tummy." "Miss Nash, my son means very much to me." " He means very much to me, too." " How much?" "Oh, yes, that's right." "Of course. ln your day, girls used to wait for the old-fashioned father to come with a big chequebook to pay off." " l'm sure that happened." " Well, that's one thing that hasn't changed." " Shall we say 5,000?" " 5,000?" "Oh, Jonesy, you underestimate me." "I'm much worse than that." "To get rid of somebody as terrible as me is worth..." "Well, I'll make you a bargain. $25,000." " All right. I'll send you the money." " Before lunch?" "Before lunch." "Goodbye, Miss Nash." " You've been perfectly charming." " So have you." " And you hope never to see me again." " l wouldn't say that." "Now that our problem has been solved, I would like to ask one slight question." "Not that it matters, but I'm just curious, and I would appreciate an honest answer." " l give you my word." " Suppose you didn't know I was Jack's father, and you happened to see me on the street or in a restaurant." "This is just an academic question." "How old would you say I am?" "Well, I'd say about 50." " That old?" " l'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you." "No, that's perfectly all right." "Thanks very much." "Excuse me, but how old are you?" "50." "No wonder you get those headaches." "Thank you, honey." "This is going to be a bit unpleasant." "I've tried to keep it from you, but now I think I'd better tell you." "I know." "You don't love me any more." "Now, darling, don't try to be funny." "It's about Jack." "Now, will you please stop worrying about Jack?" "If he wants to stay out late, what of it?" "If he's ever to have any fun, now's the time." "Don't spoil it." "Martha, this is serious." "Very, very serious." "I happened to learn the boy got into the clutches of a certain girl." "I went to a great deal of trouble." "Believe me, it wasn't easy." "I managed to find out who the girl was." " You mean Peggy Nash?" " Eh?" "Where did...?" "How did you know?" "Oh, I forget." "Someone told me." "You go to lunch and you hear things." "Well, why didn't you tell me?" "How can you be so placid about a thing like this?" "Darling, why should I excite you?" "I know you so well." "Certain things get you all worked up, and then you don't sleep." "Then you have to take a pill, and then you don't want to." "Believe me." "The less attention you pay to them, these things work themselves out." "Oh, Martha, Martha." "That is one of your greatest charms." "After 25 years in New York, you're still the innocent girl from Kansas." "But fortunately, I have had experience with showgirls." "A father's function is to save his son from the mistakes he made." "If we ignore matters like this, how do you think our boy will end up?" "Just like you, with a girl like me." "No, darling." "Never." "Where would he find anybody like you?" "He won't be that lucky." " Aren't you sweet?" " l have no illusions about myself." "If I hadn't met you I hate to think where l'd be right now." "Probably outside some stage door, or even inside the dressing room," " and having a wonderful time." " Oh, now, darling." "Come on." "Give me a kiss, and don't let's worry about it any more." "Martha, I just want to get your viewpoint." "Do you think it would be a bad idea, just to be safe, if I looked up this girl and, uh..." " And what?" " Well, maybe, just to avoid complications, ask her to leave the boy alone, and if necessary, buy her off." "Don't even consider anything as foolish as that." "All right, all right. lt was just a thought." "If you want me to, I'll drop it." "Good." "How much did you pay the girl?" "Why, what do you mean?" "Don't I know my Henry and his innocent eyes?" "Sir, you told me to let you know when Mr Jack arrived." " He's just come in, sir." " Thank you." "He's home early for the first time in weeks." "He went to the theatre." "She gave him his walking papers." " And the poor boy is probably all upset." " l hope he is." "Martha, don't you baby him." "Don't you spoil what I've done." " Hello." " (Martha) Hello, Jack." "Hello, Mother." " Hello." " How are you?" " Fine." " You look a little depressed." "Who, me?" "I never felt better in all my life." " Besides that I could use $100." " $100?" "What for?" "Well, I want to throw a little party tonight." " Take someone out." " Oh, I see." "Whom are you going around with these days?" "That's Jack's personal life." "We shouldn't pry into it." " Here you are, Jack." "There's your $100." " Thanks, Father." "Have a good time. I'm not interested in whom you're taking out. i'm sure she's all right." "Anyway, it's none of our business whether you're taking out Mary Jones, Mitzi Glutz, or Peggy Nash." "Peggy Nash?" "Father, what is this?" "Are you trailing me?" "Where'd you hear that name?" "I... don't know." "Martha, where did we hear that name?" "I don't know, and don't ask me." "Well, uh... one has friends, and, uh... yes, and one goes to lunch." "Isn't she a follies girl famous for coming down a staircase?" " We're all grown-up, aren't we?" " Why, certainly." " Well, I had a crush on her." " Ah, and why not?" "Why shouldn't he?" "I don't know, and don't ask me." "I..." "I understand she's a very attractive girl." " Oh, she is, and I took her pretty seriously." " Oh, you did, eh?" " Yes, very." "And then after a little time..." " Yes?" "..I got tired of her." "Oh." "Oh, you did, eh?" "Then I faced the problem of how to get rid of her." "Things like that aren't easy." " l should say not." " Don't ask me." "I didn't ask you." "I merely made a statement." "Go on, Jack." "What could she do to me?" "I hadn't promised her anything." " You hadn't?" " l should say not." "I wasn't the first romance in her life." "You know, I'm no baby." "Nevertheless, you went there expecting trouble." "Yes." "But to my surprise, she was so big about the whole thing and let me off easily." "Oh, she did, eh?" " Well, isn't that fortunate?" " Yes." "She was so wonderful about the whole thing that I almost fell in love with her again." "Oh." " Oh, but it's all over now, and I'm glad of it." " And so am I." "And so am I." "As a matter of fact, I never was happier in my life." "While we're on the subject, I think you're getting to the age where you should look around for a nice girl." " l don't have to look. I've met her already." " Oh, you have?" "A wonderful girl." "The most wonderful girl I ever met in my life." "Really?" "Well, isn't that nice?" "Tell me, who is the young lady?" "is she someone I might know?" " A New York girl, perhaps?" " Oh, no." "She comes from Philadelphia." "Oh, from Philadelphia." "Somehow Philadelphia always sounds right." " Yes, it does." "Tell us who she is." " Yes, tell us." "Well, have you been to Earl Carroll's Vanities?" " This girl comes down a staircase too?" " Oh, I should say not." "Not this girl." "This one slides down the banister and lands - bang!" " right on the big drum." "Oh, you'll be crazy about her." "Well, see you tomorrow. I have to run along." " What's the matter with that boy?" " He's young, Henry." "That's all." "Come on, dear. lt's time to go to bed." "I want to ask you something, and don't spare my feelings." " Be absolutely frank." " l always am." "If you didn't know me and you saw me for the first time on the street or in a restaurant..." "Martha, do you think I'm getting a little heavy?" "Don't let that worry you." "As a matter of fact, I like it." "Let me tell you something." "Nearly 15 years ago when you and Grandfather brought me back from Kansas, I still didn't feel that you really belonged to me, and only to me." "I can't put my finger on anything definite, but whenever I wasn't with you I was always a little uncertain and nervous about my little Casanova." "(clears throat)" "And then one day I noticed that you began to have a little... well, just a little tummy." "Then I knew I was safe." "From that moment on, I knew that you were really mine, that you'd settle down." "Now go to bed, darling." "You've had a hard day." " Good night." " Good night, dear." "Yes, we were married 25 years." "We were celebrating our silver wedding anniversary." " Have you seen Mrs Van Cleve?" " No, sir. I've been in the kitchen." " Jack, is your mother upstairs?" " No. I haven't seen her." "Darling, what are you doing in here all alone?" "Nothing. I just wanted to take a little rest." "It's been such an exciting evening." " Nothing wrong, is there?" "Are you sure?" " No, nothing." "Yes, dear." " You feel all right?" " Of course. I'm just..." " Just what?" " To tell the truth, I was being sentimental." "So I came in here for a few minutes." "Oh." "Yes." "This is where it all started." "25 years ago." "I was..." " Yes, I was standing over there by that desk." " No, you were sitting in a chair." "Yes, you're right." "And then you came in and you stood by the desk." "Then suddenly you started walking toward me." "Very slowly, very slowly." "I could count every step." "You were frightened." "The closer I came, the more frightened you were." "Darling, I want to make a confession." " We have been married 25 years." " What is it?" " l wasn't frightened at all." " You weren't?" "Not at all." "When you walked toward me so slowly, do you know what was in my mind?" "I thought, "What's the matter with him?" "Can't he walk faster?"" " Then I ran out into the hall." " You came back." "Only because I had to sneeze." "Pardon, madam." "You are wanted on the telephone." "Oh." "Hello?" "Yes, I called you." "Well, it's really not important." "Yes, everything is all right now." "I'll call you soon." "All right, tomorrow." " Who was it?" " Nothing special." "Let's go back to our guests." " Who was that?" " l'll tell you all about it later." " Why not now?" " Our guests will wonder where we are." " Now, Martha, who was that?" " All right, I'll tell you." "It's another confession." "My lover." " That's not funny." " Are you jealous?" "Oh, don't be silly." "But why can't you tell your husband whom you talked to?" "I wouldn't have brought it up right now, but for the past few weeks you've gone out in the afternoons and you've always avoided telling me where you were." "You are jealous!" "Henry, at last, after 25 years." " Thank you, darling." " Whom did you talk to?" "Don't be a baby." "What dashing young cavalier would be pursuing me?" "Plenty." "You're still very attractive, and... and you know it." "Henry." "I don't think you realise how sweet you're being at this moment." "No husband could have said anything lovelier to his wife on their 25th anniversary." "Imagine, if 25 years ago I hadn't sneezed, I wouldn't be the happiest woman in the world right now." " Are you?" " Yes, Henry." " Now, who was it?" " l'll tell you tomorrow." "I am not going to leave this room until you tell me." "Knowing my obstinate boy..." "You promise to not make a mountain out of a molehill?" " l promise." "Now." " Well, you know how women are." "We have too much time on our hands and imagine things are wrong with us." "And I'm no exception, so I've been going to a doctor, that's all." "Darling, I feel like a fool." "Now I have a confession I must make to you." "I really was jealous." "Martha, what did you go to the doctor for?" " What's wrong?" " Nothing." "So that's why you came in this room." "is it serious?" " lt's nothing at all." "Just a dizzy spell." " Darling..." "Now, you promised to be sensible." "Come on, let's dance." "Martha." " What did the doctor say?" " Listen, dear." "If I take five drops three times a day, and if you don't worry about me too much, we'll both live to celebrate our golden anniversary." "Now, come on." "Let's dance." "I didn't know it then, but this was our last anniversary." "It was the last time we danced together." "There were only a few more months left for Martha, and she made them the happiest of our lives together." "60." "Yes, I was 60." "Jack insisted on celebrating, and here are my relatives who came to make this birthday an occasion of riotous gaiety." "Cousin William, 73." "Aunt Minnie, who admitted to 81." "The total age of this scintillating assemblage was over 1400 years." "I believe Jack gave this party on purpose to remind me that I was contributing 60 years to that 1400." " Good morning." " Good morning." " ls Mr Van Cleve down yet?" " He's having his breakfast." " Good morning." " Good morning." "I want these two letters to leave on the 9:30 plane." " Yes, Mr Van Cleve." " And when you get back, see that I get a complete domestic report before noon, because I may go to Chicago." "Very well." "Now, there's just one little thing." "It's..." "Well, a letter came in from your father addressed to the board of directors and..." " ls he trying to go over my head again?" " l'm sure he didn't mean it that way." "We live in the same house, and he writes letters to the board of directors." "What's he trying to put over this time?" " He wants the board to vote him a bonus." " A bonus?" "He talked to me yesterday." "In case that bonus doesn't go through, he wanted you to give him an advance on his monthly cheque." "He shouldn't go to you." "Well, I'm going to give him a lesson." "If my father talks to you again, tell him he ought to be ashamed of himself and you're in no position to deliver messages." "Yes, Mr Van Cleve." " Why, Mr Van Cleve!" " Shh. ls he in a bad mood?" " Terrible." " Would you do me a very great favour?" " (Jack) Father?" " Oh." "Good morning, Jack." "Good morning. I'd like to talk to you." "Father." "I heard a very funny story." "You'll love it." "It'll start your day off with a laugh." "You ought to be ashamed, coming home at all hours." "How long can you keep this up?" " Don't scold me." " Some day you'll collapse." " Do I look that bad?" " You look like a ghost." "I know you're right." "I know I should change my way of living, but, boy, put yourself in my position." "I'm lonesome." "You're always away somewhere on business." "Being alone night after night - you don't know what it's like." "Neither do you." "You're never at home." "But I can imagine what it's like, and Jack, it's horrible." "Now, my boy, I want to talk to you." "I'm not fooling myself." "I'm not getting any younger." "I think the time has come for me to change my way of living." "You know, Jack, when a man gets to be... gets to be 60, the blood doesn't flow as fast any more." "Instead of a wild mountain stream, it becomes a quiet little brook." "The other day when I was sitting here all alone," " you know what I felt like doing?" " What?" "I felt like I wanted to sit in a nice, comfortable chair and read, and read, and read." "Why didn't you?" "The library's full of books and you haven't read one of them." "Jack, the eyes can't take it any more." "Why don't you go to an oculist?" "Uh..." "Yes." "That might do, yes." "That might do." "But, uh... on the other hand, what do you think of the idea of having, well, some kind of reader?" "Someone with a pleasant voice, nice diction... I know what you want." "You mean one of those quiet fellows from Yale or Harvard." "Oh, they're easy to get." "Now, who is she?" " Jack, you have the most suspicious mind." " Come on." "How old is she?" "Well, she's an unusually adult young woman." "I met her at old Wilson Weatherby's." " She was his reader." " The whole thing sounds a little fishy to me." "Now, why do you want to deprive your old father of a little cultural pleasure?" "I can think of nothing more dignified and homelike than sitting in front of a fireplace and having someone read a fine book to me." "Something worthwhile." "Something..." "Father, her last thought was that you should be happy, and I promised her I'd see to it." "So if you want this young lady to read to you, go ahead with my blessing." "No, I couldn't do it." "When a man gets to be 60, his life... lsn't over, Father. lt doesn't have to be over." "If a man is lonely and he feels that he needs, well..." " You mean the feminine touch?" " That's natural." "But I think he should find someone closer to his own age." " Maybe." " Not a girl of, uh...?" "24." " Well, that is a little out of proportion." " l'm afraid so." " But if you should meet a cultured woman..." " Right." "Someone with real dignity?" " Oh, a woman of about 50 or 51." " Or 52 or 53, or even 55." " That's more like it." " Jack, my future looks pretty depressing." "Mr Van Cleve, you're wanted on the telephone, sir." "Hello." "What?" "Oh, just a moment." "It's for you, "Poochie"." "As a man grows older, his medicine cabinet grows bigger." "This is me at 70." "There's nothing to worry about, but please... lt was his 70th birthday yesterday. I didn't have the heart to keep him from celebrating." "I hate to go to that banquet and leave him alone." " l'd just as soon stay home." " lt's all right for you to go." "In fact, the fewer people around him, the better off he'll be." "Now, Mr Van Cleve, I'm sorry to wake you up, but it has to be done." "(mumbles)" "Oh." " Now, open your mouth, please." " Oh, go away, go away." "And leave me alone." "What was that dream all about?" "Oh, I was having such a good time." " Just open your mouth." " What was that all about?" "Oh, yes." "The door opened and a man stepped out of a rowboat." "He said, "Henry, I've come to take you on a trip from which you'll never come back."" "Now, please, don't get excited." "And I said, "My good fellow, if I ever take a trip like that it'll be in a deluxe cabin, and not in a dinky rowboat that doesn't even have a bar."" " So I threw him out, rowboat and all." " Good, good." "And what do you think he did?" "He came back with a big luxury liner floating on an ocean of whiskey and soda." "And instead of funnels, there were big, black cigars, and on top of the bar sitting in a lifeboat was the most beautiful blonde wearing a merry widow costume." "She dived into the whiskey and swam right over to my bedside." ""Henry," she said, "how about a little dance?"" "And the man from the boat took an accordion out of his pocket and he played "The Merry Widow Waltz"." "The girl held her arms out to me and she started to dance." "Well, with him playing, and her dancing, and me up to my neck in whiskey anyhow..." "Well, I put my arms around that beautiful girl and was just about to dance with her when, of all people, you cut in." " You." "Yes, you." " Just open your mouth." "Oh, go away, and take that thermometer with you." "Oh... (knock at door)" " The night nurse has just arrived." " All right." " Good evening." "First door to the right." " (woman) Hello." "Thank you." "(♪ "The Merry Widow Waltz" by Franz Lehár)" "I'd fallen asleep, and suddenly I was awakened by a caressing touch on my forehead." "I opened my eyes and there she was, sitting right on the edge of the bed." "Nellie Brown, registered nurse." "Your Excellency, one look at her and it didn't matter whether she was registered or not." "Then she took out a thermometer, and she said, "Open your mouth."" "Who wouldn't for Nellie?" "And then she put the thermometer in, and my temperature went up to 110." "Who could ask for a more beautiful death?" "Your Excellency, that's the story of my life, and I'd be grateful if you'd push the button and have it over with." "No." "Definitely no." "I hope you will not consider me inhospitable if I say sorry, Mr Van Cleve." "We don't cater to your class of people here." "Make your reservations somewhere else." "Somewhere else?" "But, Your Excellency, if I walk into the lobby of the other place..." "You mean above?" "Yes." "I know what will happen." "They might not even let me register." " The doormen might not even let me in." " Well, you never can tell." "It's worth trying." "Sometimes they have a small room vacant in the annexe." "Not exactly on the sunny side, and not so very comfortable." "The bed may be hard and you might have to wait a few hundred years until they move you into the main building." "Well, it doesn't hurt to try." "They may enquire about you among the residents in the main building." "You'll find a lot of people will give you a good reference." "For instance, there were several young ladies." " What about them?" " Well, some of them might be there, and so far as I can see, you've made them all very happy." "I'm sure they'd like to see you happy too." "And your grandfather." "Oh, yes." " Grandfather." " Don't you think he'll be waiting for you?" " He might." " He will." "And not with a baseball bat." "And if they all should fail, there's still someone else." "Yes." " She's up there." " And she will plead for you." "Do you think so?" "You know she will." "Yes, Mr Van Cleve, I would say you have a chance." "A very good chance." "Anyway, it's worth trying." " Goodbye." " Goodbye, Your Excellency, and thank you." "Good luck." "I'll need it." "Down?" "No." "Up." "Visiontext Subtitles:" "Joanna Clarke" "english SDH"