"(barking orders)" "No, no, no, Corporal, a little higher." "A little higher." "Higher?" "No, no, no." "Didn't the Special Service officer before me give you men any classes in art composition?" "Art what?" "Never mind." "I'll finish it." "Corporal, when are your modern dance classes?" "Modern dance?" "No modern dance." "I've been transferred to a desert-- an intellectual desert." "But what an opportunity." "Ah, Lieutenant Parker." "Colonel Hall." "Welcome to Fort Baxter." "We haven't had a Special Service officer here since Lieutenant Zimmer left." "I was wondering if you ever had one here, sir." "I noticed by the records that you've virtually no outside organized activity for the men." "No drama workshop, no art classes." "Lieutenant, this is a service installation with a permanent party of regular old Army men." "I'm afraid they're not interested in..." "I know what the men are interested in." "It can be boiled down to one word-- poker." "Well, there might be a little, uh..." "Yeah, usually under the leadership of one sharpster who organizes the game and takes his cut." "Oh, then you've met Sergeant Bilko." "Bilko." "(piano playing boogie-woogie)" "I see you, Sowici." "What do you got?" "Aces." "I got kings-- three of them." "(laughter)" "You know, I don't know," "I-I don't know why I even bother to pick up my pay." "Why don't you do it for me, Bilko, and cut out the middle man?" "All right, all right, Sowici, stop beefing." "You're just running into an unlucky streak." "It's in its 24th year." "BILKO:" "You in or out?" "SOWICI:" "All right, I'm in." "There's nothing else to do around here." "There'll be a great deal to do around here from now on." "Attention!" "As you were." "I'm Lieutenant Parker, your new Special Service officer." "How do you do, sir?" "Sergeant Bilko." "Get a chair for the lieutenant." "It's a quarter limit." "You want to sit in, Lieutenant?" "Sergeant Bilko, I understand you're my assistant." "Yes, sir." "I meant to drop over and give you your orders... tell you about the activities of the day, but this has been a very busy night for me, so-- what with the football pool, the pool contest," "the bed making rules." "I only got two hands, sir." "Sergeant, Sergeant, did you realize that there is supposed to be no poker playing on the post?" "No poker?" "Why, are we at war?" "That depends on you men." "Now, uh, I hope to see you all at the modern art class tomorrow night." "Modern art class?" "Yes." "May I have the cards?" "Yes, sir." "Thank you." "Good evening." "Nice fella." "We're gonna miss him around here." "(all laughing)" "Oh, did you get that?" "Modern art class." "He's gonna need volunteers, huh?" "I give him two weeks before he asks for a transfer." "I give him ten days." "Lieutenant Zimmer lasted a month." "Lieutenant Zimmer had nerves of steel." "I bet he lasts two weeks." "Five days." "Five days?" "Five days." "Wait, wait, wait." "Let's do it right-- we'll make a pool." "A buck a throw." "What day do you pick?" "12 days." "12 days." "Take-take those." "Five days." "Five days." "How many days you want?" "BARBELLA:" "Attention!" "Sergeant Bilko, I forgot to mention that Mrs. Grimby of the Roseville High School art department will be here tomorrow night to start the art classes." "Yes, sir." "I want you to take down the names of all the men who wish to enroll." "Very good, sir." "Oh, and, uh, Sergeant, here is one dollar." "A dollar?" "I want to enter your pool on how long I'm going to stay here." "Oh, sir, we were only kidding about that." "Just joking..." "Well, I don't know when I'm going to leave, but when I do, you men will be painting, dancing, acting and singing." "And I'll be a captain." "As you were." "He's gonna be rough, Sarge." "What are you gonna do?" "All right, you heard what the lieutenant said." "As you were." "Now where were we?" "Who's in?" "Art class meets tonight." "(all laughing)" "Hey, Sarge, look at me-- I'm a painter." "All right, all right, all right, come on, fellas." "It's five minutes to 8:00." "We've got to make this official." "After all, I am Lieutenant Parker's assistant." "True." "All you men who want to volunteer for the art class, please raise your hands." "A little higher, please." "Good boys." "I'm proud of you." "It's the Bilko boycott." "Look, all you guys who got him in the pool to quit under three days, looks like you got a winner." "Attention!" "Sir." "Well..." "Well, Bilko?" "Sir." "I want you men to volunteer for these art classes." "Come on, fellas, cooperate." "Maybe there's a Picasso among you." "Please, fellas..." "Not one volunteer, sir." "You'd think they'd want a little culture..." "What's wrong, sir?" "Well, I'm counting the men." "I want to..." "I'm not sure there'll be enough room in the art class." "Enough room?" "Sir, you don't understand." "There hasn't been one volunteer." "Didn't I make it..." "He thought..." "There's not a volunteer in the entire battalion." "There's not one man who..." "ooh, ooh." "Are you Lieutenant Parker?" "Oh, Miss Doozer." "You shouldn't have come in here." "The art class is in the recreation hall." "Miss Doozer is the model we're using." "(men sighing)" "The model?" "I just wanted to know if there was someplace where I could leave my clothes." "Clothes?" "Well, we've, uh, we've made-- we've made accommodations for you in the rec hall." "The rec hall?" "Yes, the recreation hall." "Will-will one of you fellas who are in the course show Miss Doozer the way?" "(excited shouting)" "I got a shortcut." "Wait for me." "Just as I thought-- there may not be enough room." "Where, where, where, where, where, where you going?" "Sarge-Sarge, if it was anything else." "You saw her, Sarge." "Don't you see what he did." "He arranged the whole thing." "Sarge, there might not be enough room!" "Listen to me, that's all a plan." "Will you come..." "It's all arranged, where she says, "Where can I leave my cloth..."" "Wait for me!" "While Miss Doozer is changing, I would like to say a few words." "While the human body in art, as in life, seems very uniform-- we all have two arms and two legs and so forth-- there are many variations." "Men." "Just as no two faces are alike, or we would all look the same..." "Men." "MAN:" "Eyes right." "...no two bodies are alike." "Men." "In painting the human body, proportion is everything." "Keep that always in your mind-- proportion." "Men." "I like to start my classes with the human body." "Ready, Miss Doozer?" "DOOZER:" "Just one second." "(giggling)" "GRIMBY:" "I know, it's exciting." "Your first art class at Fort Baxter, and that's why..." "Ah, here she is." "(men groaning)" "This is Miss Doozer." "BILKO:" "Are they kidding?" "For our first picture, I have selected a winter scene." "Why you...!" "Sit down." "Now, now, now." "This is murder." "Sarge, think of something fast." "He's killing us, Sarge." "I know, I'm thinking, I'm thinking all the time, fellas." "Gosh, three weeks of painting, dancing, singing." "Are we ever gonna have fun again just playing cards?" "We will, men." "I have made my decision." "What is it?" "We're gonna have a centennial." "Fort Baxter is suddenly 100 years old." "But you did that once already, Ernie." "That's when Lieutenant Zimmer had himself transferred." "I know, we still have that unpublished history-- you know, the one we found in the old storage shed." "The only history ever attempted about Fort Baxter." "Yeah, but I thought you promised the colonel you was gonna burn it." "I did, but "I better save it," I said to myself," ""in case something important comes up,"" "and, gentlemen, this is it." "A centennial." "What-what did you say, sir?" "A centennial!" "Heavens, sir, how do you ever think of all these things?" "A centennial-- parades..." "Parades!" "...drills..." "Wonderful." "...marches..." "Visiting generals." "...senators..." "Newsreels." "Movie stars." "Why we could have a pageant, sir." "A pageant!" "You've thought of it again, sir." "Those long lost heroes at Fort Baxter." "Bilko, this is it!" "Sir, I've done some research on that subject." "Bilko, it's in your hands." "You stage that pageant." "I'll get the publicity rolling." "A centennial-- why it's the best idea I ever had." "Wonderful, sir." "What was that he said?" "Oh, sir, I got to get to clay modeling." "They've all got sticky fingers." "I'll be..." "Bilko, come back." "Yes, sir?" "Come back here." "Did he say centennial?" "I didn't hear what he said, sir." "I was so busy..." "Did he say centennial?" "Well, sir, I think he did." "I thought you burned that book." "Sir, it's a real true history of the post, sir." "It's history that has been forgotten." "Let's leave it that way." "Bilko, shame on you." "I know the lieutenant has been a little hard on you fellas with this culture drive of his, but I thought you could take it, without resorting to something like this." "Why you start on that centennial routine, he won't last a week." "Oh, Sergeant, I want to see you just about one thing right away." "Lieutenant Parker, now about that centennial..." "Really, Bilko, it was supposed to be a surprise." "It's no surprise." "If you'll step into the privacy of my office," "I'd like to discuss with you something about the history of Fort Baxter." "Oh, well, Colonel, Sergeant Bilko is handling all the research, and I'm doing the producing." "So there really isn't very much open for you." "Open for me?" "Why, I..." "You won't have any time, anyway." "Tonight, the officer's square dance meeting is being held at your home." "Square dancing?" "!" "This is my bridge night." "And tomorrow night, the poetry club meets." "Well, then I'm having people over for canasta." "I've discussed it with your wife, and she agrees with me that Friday night is the best night for the mandolin club to meet." "Friday night, that's my pinochle night." "Colonel Hall, I'm afraid there'll be little time for card playing as long as I'm on the post." "As long as he's on the post, sir." "As long as he's on the post." "Uh, excuse me, sir." "You were saying something about the centennial?" "Nothing, nothing." "Go right ahead." "Good, good." "Sergeant, you get on that pageant." "Order costumes, scenery, everything." "I'll get on the publicity." "Right, sir." "Bilko..." "Sir?" "You're an conniver, a sharpster and an operator." "And sometimes you're almost a blessing." "Thank you, sir." "I got to get ready with the pageant." ""A Hundred Years of Valor."" "Oh." "Sorry." "Mm-hmm." "That's the general idea, Fleischman." "But may I ask why you're trying to hide my name?" "Uh, but, sir..." "This poster's going up all over the countryside." "I'm sending copies of it to Washington." "I don't want them to use a magnifying glass to find out who it was that was responsible for all of this." "Now use your head, Fleischman, and do it over." "Yes, sir." "Oh, Harrison, I want you to make arrangements for Senator McTige and his party." "Yes, sir." "Oh, uh..." "Lieutenant, Sergeant Bilko says the first act is ready." "Oh, good, good, good." "I'll be right there." "Yes, sir." "(playing dramatic passage)" "Hold it, Private Hankel." "That's all right." "But play "a cappello," you understand?" "Like I rehearsed you." "Now, look, in the battle scenes, I want a lot of excitement." "But play with the fingers, not with the fists, you understand?" "Fleischman, on those spotlights, this is a pageant-- it isn't the opening of a supermarket." "Keep 'em in one spot, you understand?" "Hey, Sarge, Sarge." "What now?" "How come Kadowski is an Indian chief and he's only a private." "It don't make sense." "Don't make sense." "Just do as you're told." "Back, come on, come on, come on." "And you stagehands, listen, move the scenery, don't throw it at each other, will ya?" "Sarge!" "Hey, Sarge!" "What now?" "Oh..." "What?" "What?" "Sarge, Paparelli says that he's Dolly Madison." "Now, look, Fender, you are Dolly Madison." "I told him that." "All right." "Now, listen, we're moving..." "Horowitz, Horowitz, let me hear those tom-toms." "Horowitz, let me hear the tom-toms!" "(tom-toms playing)" "All right, cut it." "(tom-toms continue)" "All right, cut it!" "(tom-toms stop)" "Now, watch your cues, all right?" "Lieutenant, we're just about ready to start, sir." "Splendid, splendid." "Bilko, this is going to put a feather in our caps." "Go right ahead." "All right, sir." "All right, men, this is it-- dress rehearsal." "Everybody in their places." "Watch it now." "Lights, music." "(dramatic piano intro)" "I am the voice of Fort Baxter." "(laughter)" "Today, I am 100 years old." "MAN:" "You're sure good-lookin', buddy." "Come with me as we leap through the pages of the history of our glorious post." "Let truth prevail." "(piano plays accompaniment)" "I am Truth." "Too long have my lips been sealed... about Fort Baxter." "Let us meet our first hero..." "General "Indian Bill" Baxter and pull aside the curtain of time." "(laughter)" "And pull aside the curtain of time." "(gunshots, Indians whooping)" "General Baxter, we haven't a chance!" "BARBELLA:" "General, we're hopelessly outnumbered!" "We'll have to surrender." "Surrender never!" "We ain't gonna surrender till we find out who's been selling them Injuns that whiskey!" "General, it's hopeless." "Let me think." "Oh, the sound of those tom-toms are driving me mad." "The sound of those tom-toms are driving me mad!" "(drums beating)" "Day in, day out they haunt my brain, those tom-toms." "Always those tom-toms." "Thank heavens they've stopped." "Now you men go... (drums continue)" "Thank heavens they've stopped." "You men go..." "They stopped, thank heavens!" "They've stopped, the tom-toms!" "Now, men, you all go out there and find out and capture me that Indian chief..." "But, General, but, General, it's suicide to leave the post!" "We'll be cut down." "General, look at us." "We are in no condition to fight." "Just a minute." "Fi-de-lee-di." "Are these my brave Indian fighters talking?" "Are you gonna let a broken arm and some poison arrow wounds stop you from bringing in that Injun chief Tall Feather who's probably been..." "Go, men, go like the brave heroes you are!" "(men cheer)" "And how my heart aches to think that I can't go with y'all." "General, you ain't coming along?" "My sinuses..." "Sinus giving you a lot of trouble, huh, General?" "(soldier shrieking)" "General..." "What is this?" "!" "It's Corporal Jonathan." "They got him!" "A brave man, Corporal." "General, pull out the arrow." "This is a brave man." "I'm gonna give this man some medals before this day is over." "General, just pull out the arrow." "Hold on." "Your brave..." "Corporal, don't drip the blood all over the table, please." "Hold on!" "Here's a message." "General, pull out the arrow." "Hang on, Corporal, hang on." "The message says, "Indian Bill," ""if you want us, you come get us." "Chief Tall Feather."" "Men, you gonna let that filthy redskin talk this way to your commanding officer?" "!" "MEN:" "No!" "General, pull out the arrow." "Go bring me back, and go!" "(men cheering)" "Now I'll find out, once and for all, who's been selling those Injuns that, that whiskey." "General, pull out the arrow." "Oh, yes, I almost forgot." "Ooh!" "Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh!" "I got a sliver in my finger!" "Go run to the infirmary, get me a bandage." "General, I'll never make it." "See how far you can get." "Stop, stop, stop!" "Bilko, is this one of our heroes with a sliver?" "Sir, you don't understand." "This was one of his tricks." "General Baxter was very crafty." "He let the Indians think he was wounded." "They got careless, got drunk, and they were all captured." "Oh, it's a very good touch." "Go on." "There's more to this, sir." "Ah, here come the men now!" "General, we lost most of the men, but... (groans)" "We got 'em, Chief!" "General, pull out the..." "Brave men, brave men, but they shall not die in vain." "Now I will find out who's been selling you Indians that whiskey." "Tell me!" "(Indians grunt)" "You'll talk, you filthy redskins!" "Who's been selling you that whiskey?" "!" "(Indians grunting)" "It doesn't matter, 'cause from now on, you're buying the whiskey from me." "I got some new bourbon in from..." "Stop, stop, stop!" "What's wrong, sir?" "Bilko, are you crazy?" "Showing the first commanding officer at Fort Baxter selling liquor to the Indians!" "Sir, it's all here in the history." "I don't..." "It all happened." "You see, he was dishonorably discharged, and they sentenced him to 30 years in federal prison." "I don't care, Bilko, I don't care!" "Is this the centennial?" "100 years of valor?" "I'll be the laughingstock of the Pentagon!" "Sir, it just builds up the next episode about the Civil War." "You know, it involved Honest Colonel John Otis, the hero of the Civil War?" "Honest John." "Oh, he did one of the most tremendous feats of all time." "This man let friendship nor love stand in his way of duty!" "Oh, that's more like it now, Bilko." "Much more like it." "You better start the pageant from there." "All right, sir, I'll make a few changes and start it from there." "Lucky I caught it in time." "It was a close shave." "Well, looks like he's weakening, huh?" "(Indians grunt)" "General, pull out the arrow." "Oh, shut up." "Listen, get out of these costumes." "New rehearsal start." "Get everybody..." "Yes, yes, I know, sir." "It's, it's very bad." "Very, very, bad, but the centennial is still on, sir." "It's just that we needed a slight postponement." "A little rewriting." "(fanfare plays, piano plays accompaniment)" "I am Truth." "Too long have my lips been sealed." "Let us meet Fort Baxter's great hero," "Colonel "Honest John" Otis in that great moment during the Civil War that made him famous." "(deep voice):" "Gentlemen... the court-martial has reached its decision." "General Otis, Major Barton is your best friend!" "You were at West Point together." "And yet you're condemning him..." "To death, yes!" "Bring in the prisoner." "Gentlemen, you think this was an easy decision for me to reach?" "Henry!" "John!" "Major Barton, you have been found guilty of treason!" "But I'm innocent!" "I never saw that piece of paper!" "Have pity!" "(sobbing)" "Then how do you account for your name being on this document signed by Jefferson Davis, Confederate president!" "WOMAN:" "Stop!" "Stop!" "My husband is innocent!" "(sobbing):" "He's innocent!" "Madam, I'm sorry, but he has been found guilty." "You think this was an easy decision for me to make, sending my best friend to be hanged?" "John!" "You have been found guilty!" "The court-martial is over!" "Please, have mercy!" "You've known him all your life!" "Take the prisoner away." "John!" "John, please, please?" "!" "Not that!" "Please!" "Sometimes the call of duty is more important than anything that love or friendship..." "John, he's your best friend!" "They've gone." "Darling!" "At last, we've gotten rid of him!" "Rid of him at last!" "Your idea of planting that paper on him was perfect!" "Now, wait, we have a more important decision." "You got to rush this letter to General Robert E. Lee." "Robert E. Lee?" "!" "In there, in there is the information that I'm gonna sell him every gun on this entire fort." "We'll make a fortune!" "And then it's off, off to South America!" "Alone at last, darling!" "I love you." "The moment I saw you, I loved you." "Stop this!" "Stop this!" "Stop this!" "There's more to this, sir." "The best part is coming." "Are you out of your mind?" "!" "What's wrong, sir?" "75 years of valor?" "Sir, it's all in here in the history." "It was all right." "You see, they recaptured Colonel Otis in Nicaragua." "He was brought back and hanged." "It's all in the book." "It does, huh?" "But I've got generals and senators coming!" "This-this-this is no centennial!" "Why, why, why, it's a parade of corruption!" "Sir, if you'll excuse me, don't mention the word corruption in the same breath that you mention Major "Iron Mike" Grundy." "Major who?" "The great hero of the Spanish-American War." "The man who single-handedly broke up the Spanish espionage ring." ""Iron Mike" Grundy." "HALL:" ""Iron Mike" Grundy?" "Major Grundy, sir..." "Oh who broke the Spanish espionage system." "He did, didn't he?" "Yes, yes, he certainly did." "I am Truth." "(piano plays accompaniment)" "Too long have my lips been sealed." "It is the Spanish-American War." "We are in the headquarters of Major "Iron Mike" Grundy," "Chief of Intelligence." "I'm telling you, Major Grundy, every top secret in the Army somehow leaks out." "We gotta do something, sir." "The enemy knows every plan as soon as we do." "You've got the best brain in the Army, Major Grundy." "You're the only man can do anything about it." "And I have!" "What is it?" "Well, men, it's no secret that our best plans have been divulged by young officers, full of emotion, who have been unfortunate enough to fall under the lure of Spain's top spy, Mata Lopez." "What are you gonna do?" "Do?" "Nothing." "Nothing?" "!" "Nothing?" "!" "Yes, nothing, men." "I have arranged for every plan, every regimental move, every gun replacement has to come directly through me." "This, gentleman, is the bait that will lure Mata Lopez to me." "And when she comes to me, she is finished!" "Major, that's, that's brilliant!" "If I may say so, sir, when they call you "Iron Mike" Grundy, it was not an understatement." "(chuckles) You are a jovial one, Lieutenant." "You are that, you know." "I beg your pardon, Major Grundy." "Yes, miss?" "Uh, the Red Cross." "Coffee and doughnuts?" "That's very nice of you, miss." "Now, you men get me the new photographs of the new replacements on the double." "There's a good chap." "Yes, sir!" "Yes, sir!" "Here, here!" "One lump or two?" "What did you say, my dear?" "One lump or two?" "Black." "Black?" "Yes, black." "Black as the heart that's in you, Mata Lopez!" "(Lopez gasps)" "I told them in Madrid it was too much to ask to try to fool "Iron Mike" Grundy." "Yes, you wench." "Up till now, you've been trading kisses for secrets, but now, Mata Lopez, you are finished!" "But I'm too young to die, Major." "(chuckles)" "Please, your wiles may work on other men, but my lips are sealed!" "And such pretty lips." "Oh, this poppyronk will get you nowhere because I..." "Three ships are leaving Charleston on the 24th." "There's a lot of men on them." "Here's the gun replacements." "The regiment!" "The regiment!" "There are 18 regiments." "I'll give you the code for them later." "And I love you, too!" "Oh, please, Major!" "No, no, I have more photographs." "Please, Major!" "Where the carrier pigeons are stowed." "Oh, I love you." "Let me go!" "Let me go, please!" "No, I want you!" "I got photographs!" "Help!" "Help!" "Help!" "I want you!" "Stop!" "Stop!" "Let me go!" "I want to go back to Madrid!" "I'll go to Madrid with you!" "I have so much to see!" "Pictures..." "Stop!" "Stop it!" "Stop it!" "Please, sir, the best part." "Don't ever interrupt, sir." "I want you." "Stop this!" "Stop it, please!" "Stop this scene!" "What's wrong, sir?" "You can't finish this scene." "It will be the finish of me!" "Why?" "It worked out fine, sir." "(piano playing boogie-woogie)" "HENSHAW:" "Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!" "Go!" "Yeah, man, be cool, cool!" "Yeah!" "One more time!" "(laughing)" "All right, all right, Sowici, are you in or not?" "All right, I'm in." "Okay." "Attention!" "Sergeant Bilko?" "Yes, sir?" "I'm Lieutenant Kissel, your new Special Service officer." "How do you do, sir?" "I was on my way to report to your office, but I've been very busy, sir." "Well, you're gonna be busier." "Give me those cards." "Yes, sir." "Now I want you to get these men together for my new clay modeling class, dramatic group, poetry circle, modern ballet..." "Please, sir, do you mind if I interrupt?" "Why don't we just get to the centennial, sir?" "Centennial?" "Yes-- sir, did you know that Fort Baxter is a hundred years old this month?" "Well, Centennial?" "Wonderful." "Tell me more about it." "Oh, sir, we can do-- I have all the data." "We can have a pageant." "You do!" "A pageant!" "Won't you think that'd be swell?" "I think it would be." "I'll bring all the information to your office." "Well, fine, Sergeant Bilko." "Thank you for dropping in, Lieutenant." "Two days." "A buck on five days." "What do you want?" "Two each." "Two each!" "ANNOUNCER:" "Lieutenant Parker was played by Al Checco." "Paparelli by Billy Sands." "Kadowski was played by Karl Lukas."