"(engine revs)" "Jerry Seinfeld:" "Weird." "Wild." "Odd." "This is a 1964 Studebaker Avanti..." "Avanti." "in red, interior, black vinyl." "Studebaker was an American car company that lasted until about 1967." "The name tells you everything you need to know." "Studebaker." "They used to make cars like the Lark, the Hawk." "They like birds, these people." "And making sure their car can go through a puddle." "And hit some straw." "They didn't do well, so in a last ditch, hail Mary effort to save their business, they asked design genius, Raymond Loewy," "to make them a sports car, which he did in a 40-day crash program somewhere on the outskirts of Las Vegas." "He created the entire concept in eight days on one condition." "Studebaker was not allowed to change one aspect of his original design." "Of course not." "Look at this man." "He's got a mustache, two hankies, and a tie bar." "You gonna argue with him about how something should look?" "It is the Avanti." "People loved it." "They wanted to buy it." "But when they came in the showroom, it wasn't there." "Studebaker couldn't figure out how to build enough of them and they collapsed anyway." "Nice try." "(brakes screech)" "It is also the favorite car of my wonderfully funny guest today," "Mr. J. B. Smoove." "But he has never been in one, never owned one, never even had a ride in one." "But "Avanti" means "Let's go!"" "So, we are." "(phone ringing)" "J.B.:" "Hello?" "Jerry:" "J.B. J.S." "Oh, you won't believe what I got for you today." "I'm hoping you have what I think you have." "All your dreams come true today, J.B." "I can't wait!" "I'm tingly!" "I'm tingly!" "I'm Jerry Seinfeld, and this is..." "Oh, this is beautiful." "Comedy brother." "Comedy." "This comedy gold." "(chuckles)" "Whenever they say comedy gold" "Is there a silver and bronze also?" "That is-- might as well be garbage." "I've never even heard people use the term..." "We don't trade in that." "Always gold." "Always gold." "(gasps)" "This is probably the nicest Studebaker Avanti in the world." "Are you kidding me?" "You know what I love about this Avanti?" "It mixes European styling with American ingenuity." "And this 'S' also stands for "Smoove"!" "You can't beat this!" "(engine revs)" "Look at this steering wheel, these little grips." "Now here's one-- my favorite feature." "Are you ready?" "This is for your lady." "How much would your wife go nuts for that?" "Jerry, I'm telling you, this is like Christmas." "Your birthday." "That's how a car should feel." "Like Christmas." "Yeah." "I'mma tell you something." "A bloody nose can get you out of anything." "If you carry a handkerchief with red dye on it," "You go, "Oh!" You tap your nose a few times." "Like that." "You pull that handkerchief out your pocket, you don't let them see the red." "If you go like this, they will panic with you." "And you go like this." ""Excuse me, I have a bloody nose."" "Oh, that's so funny." "You are excused from anything." "Court, you get pulled over by-- the police pull you over." "Right." "Everybody respects a bloody nose, Jerry." "People who love J.B. love J.B." "Yeah." "Do you feel comfortable calling yourself by your name?" "I love putting myself in the third person." "Yeah." "I love it, man." "So, you're a fan also of your" "You gotta be a fan." "Yeah." "Gotta be a fan." "When you have a set that you don't like, what do you do to make yourself feel better?" "I'll stop by and get a pint of Haagen-Dazs." "Yeah, I've done that." "Mint Chip." "You're a Mint Chip guy." "Know what?" "You look like a Mint Chip guy." "Mine is Butter Pecan." "But I don't chew any of the pecans until I finish the ice cream." "But you know how" "Boy, people are so strange." "So, you save the pecan for last, even though there's no way a pecan can follow an ice cream." "If you were putting together a show, the ice cream is gonna close the show." "The pecan is gonna open." "I like how you think like a stand up." "That's my life." "The ice cream is my-- is the opener." "Ice cream always closes." "Nobody wants to follow ice cream." "Most and very important to me about a car is the actuation of all the knobs and levers." "I want you to feel putting this in reverse, how nice it is." "Hold that button." "Yeah, and then" "Ohh." "Isn't that nice?" "The sound too, I like." "Yeah." "Yeah." "A nice click sound." "Listen." "(clicking)" "You know when it clicks it's locked in." "Here's another thing, J.B., the door notches." "Watch." "It goes up one and look at how wide it goes, even wider really easy." "Ohh!" "How do you like that?" "Know what I do with my car?" "I baby my car." "A lot of people use towels and rags to wash their car." "Uh-huh." "You know how I wash my car?" "What?" "Lingerie." "(exhales)" "Ladies' lingerie." "I soap it up, and I'll wash my car." "Ladies' lingerie." "Know why?" "'Cause it's very delicate." "The thing that makes me the most uncomfortable about this is that you have lowered your voice and you're whispering this to me." "I'm setting the mood." "I know." "That's making me uncomfortable too." "Ohh." "Man, that's good." "I lived in the projects in Mount Vernon." "Oh, in the projects?" "Yeah, man." "I lost a lot of friends." "I got friends who didn't make it past 16 years old, so, you know, it's a great city." "Hold a second." "That sentence does not flow." "I lost a lot of friends before the age of 16..." "Yeah." "...it's a great city." "You know what I love?" "When people laugh at the premise before you even get to the punchline." "Oh, it's the greatest." "And you say to yourself, "Oh, you wait."" "When the premise gets something, that's the greatest thing in comedy." "I had a bit about chopsticks." "The beginning of the premise was," ""I see the Chinese are hanging in there with the chopsticks."" "(muffled laughter)" "I haven't even started the bit." "Now let me tell you what lazy is." "The straw." "You're two inches away from what you want." "That much space between the glass and the straw." "Do you need that help?" "And sometimes you can't find it." "You're like..." "Yeah, nobody looks good trying to get a straw." "You try to talk to people like..." "Yeah." "What's it for?" "Is it people think the glass is dirty?" "You're drinking what's in the glass." "I think at some point, the zombie apocalypse is gonna happen." "Now just to refresh my memory, the zombies, they're dead and now they're back?" "They're undead." "And you like this." "Yeah." "Come back from the dead." "But I do-- (laughs)" "So what's your favorite zombie show?" ""Walking Dead," man." "Oh, I've never seen that." "Jerry." "I'm sorry." "If you don't jump on "Walking Dead"" "I'm sorry." "I'm almost disgusted right now that you have not yet" "I know, I know." "People have told you about that before, right?" "You're not the first person to be upset with me for not watching their show." "Their show." "This is another thing we need to stop doing to each other." "I cannot believe" "I can't believe" "you missed "The Grifters."" "What's wrong with you?" ""What's wrong with you?" That bothers me more than the zombies trying to eat my brain." "I worked at this perfume company, man, for a few years." "This guy taught me how to mix perfumes." "I knew everything." "I knew the ingredients." "Lavenders and rosemaries." "I could have been a perfumer." "You know?" "Very easily." "You look like a guy who started out in the perfume industry." "You look like you're still in it, frankly." "I used to be a waiter." "I was doing stand up" "Ohh." "for free at night." "And I would work as a waiter from 10:00 am to 2:00 pm." "I always did the lunch rush." "And a couple of times, J.B.," "I walked up to a table and they looked up at me and said," ""I saw you on stage last night." "I thought those were professional comedians."" "And I would just have to go, "Well, not yet."" "(both laugh)" "I love that." "But that prepares you though." "You were dealing with people directly." "I-- Who's not dealing with people directly?" "Is that a real bow tie?" "It's a real bow tie." "It's beautifully tied." "That knot is tight." "Have you ever heard of the Bow Tie Exchange Program?" "No." "Let me tell you about this world." "If I have my bow tie on, right?" "Suppose another guy was sitting over there." "He had a fancy bow tie." "If you like my bow tie and I like your bow tie, sometimes we'll meet, and I'll say," ""Hey, nice tie."" "Say, "Yeah, I like yours too."" "It's a certain energy and a look we give each other and what happens is you untie your tie, he unties his tie, and you exchange ties." "That sounds like the way homosexuality was conducted in the '50s." "Now, J.B., the 'J' stands for "Jerry."" "Jerry." "We are the Jerrys." "Okay?" "I think all Jerrys look a little bit alike." "Ooh." "And I would say further" "I think you and I look a little bit alike." "We do." "I agree." "Absolutely agree." "Really?" "Yeah!" "This fly is just ruining my life." "You-- This fly" "I once saw a short film that was-- somebody attempted to make the point of view of a fly." "That's a wild ride." "If you could get a camera small enough, and I bet you someday they will have a camera they can mount on a fly." "Now... you need permission from a fly to put it on." "You can hold him down." "Yeah, but he still has to-- he may" "You know what I mean?" "It may be uncomfortable." "I don't care." "(laughs)" "Thank you." "Oh, my god." "I'm running this thing, not the fly." "I love bees." "It's like human society, but they don't have the problems of human society." "The worker bee doesn't look at the drone and go," ""I should be doing that."" "You're right." "(both laugh)" "I used to sell fire extinguishers door-to-door, which is the most (sighs) terrible- (both laugh)" "Selling fire extinguishers door-to-door is a art." "Oh, for sure." "It's one of the highest arts." "What was your most effective fear tactic?" "I mean, it's creepy." "You open the door," "I lean slightly just to peek in a little bit." "Then I lean back up to see if I can see anything in the background or hear kids." "Good." "Hear kids, you're okay." "If you're a fire extinguisher salesman, the best thing to see on the floor is toys." "Is toys." "I imagine there's a lot of "God forbid"" "in that sales pitch." "Oh, my god." ""God forbid, but if that happens, Mr. Johnson..."" "Yeah." "So I gotta get in your house, number one." "Once I get in the house," "I'll start doing my demonstration." "So I get in the guy's house," "I said, "I'mma show you a demonstration."" "I took my pan out, tear the paper up, aah," "I'll light it up, wah, poom." "But Jerry, you gotta realize" "I must have done 100 demonstrations." "I didn't get a new sample fire extinguisher for testing." "Oh, no." "So" "Oh, no." "Jerry, Jerry," "I start a fire in the man's house." "Oh, no." "I went to use this fire extinguisher." "It did not work." "That's a great story." ""How did the house burn down?"" ""A fire extinguisher salesman."" "Hi." "Happy birthday!" "Happy birthday!" "85." "Jeannie." "Jeannie." "Happy birthday, Jeannie. 85." "Jeannie!" "85!" "God bless you." "(laughs)" "That's a good one." "You should put on some brighter colors on an 85th birthday." "No." "Are you in the Bow Tie Exchange Program?" "Do you want to exchange your bow tie for her death pendant?" "I would love to." "Oh, no, no, no." "No?" "Oh." "I love that both..." "Oh, really?" "Is that from the Titanic?" "Look at the sheep." "They're all looking at us like we're looking at them." "They're going, "Look at those two guys."" "This is where they got the idea of Jar Jar Binks." "That one good joke in seven "Star Wars" movies, when Jar Jar Binks says," ""Ex-squeeze me."" "(laughs)" "That was the best line." "Do you think this looks like you and me?" "It's very close, matter of fact." "(laughs)" "(both laugh)" "J.B.:" "Have you ever been to a bathroom with a trough?" "Yes." "That's something that I don't like." "I don't like it either." "Even though you don't really care what happens to your pee once it leaves you" "You don't care." "But still," "I don't want it joining everybody else's pee right here right now." "I'm happy to be talking to you today as a fellow automobile person." "What is it about driving a car?" "I mean, I just love turning this wheel and then the car turns!" "People like going places, man." "Right." "But a classic car enhances that even more" "Yes, it does, because there's a little time traveling." "Little time traveling." "Right now it's 1964." "Right." "So, I can't drink out of every water fountain right now, but it's 1964!" "A certain thing I don't trust, getting from people a delivery of milk from the milk company to my house, to my porch." "Yeah." "I don't trust" "But they refrigerate it." "If the person delivering the milk to me was a cow..." "Ah." "I'd rather have the cow himself pull up and milk himself into the glass and give it to me." "I'll tell ya, a cow milking himself might not be the first thing you want to see in the morning." "(laughs)" "Jerry: "Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee" will be right back after this brief word from our sponsor." "Let's take the sound pack out of your pocket." "It's out of my pocket because the last thing" "I want to do is go on a drug deal and they ask me if I'm wired and I say, "No, I'm not wired."" "Say, "What's that?" "Oh?" "Ooh!"" "(both laugh)"