"♪ Men. ♪" "Hey, Louis, check it out." "This app will help you learn how to speak Mandarin Chinese." "Are you sending me to China?" "No, I'd never do that." "He sent his kid to Japan." "Oh, no, no." "The-the Army sent him to Japan." "You're sending me to the Army?" "No, no, n-no." "We're not sending you anywhere." "We-we just want to help you learn." "So, check it out." "You can type in any phrase, and the app will say it for you." "(woman speaking Mandarin Chinese)" "Ooh, what'd she say?" "She sounds pretty." "She said, "Alan, your fly is open."" "Oh." "Oh!" "(chuckles) Uh, well, how do you tell her, "Thank you"?" "Uh, let's find out." "Xiexie." "That's gonna blow their minds down at the Panda Express." "Extra orange chicken, xiexie." "Walden, I-I'm Chinese Elvis." "Xiexie." "Xiexie, very much." "(chuckles)" "All right." "Let's put on these headphones, and we'll learn a little Chinese, huh?" "So, um, listen, g-going forward, um, how are we gonna do this whole co-parenting thing?" "What do you mean?" "Well, when you were gonna adopt a baby, we were gonna get a divorce right after." "But now, if we become Louis's foster parents, we're gonna have to be together for a minimum of six months." "Uh, not that I'm complaining." "This is the happiest and most loving of any of my three marriages." "I'm thinking it would just be the opposite of when Jake was here." "You were the dad, and I occasionally imparted wisdom, like... the skull and crossbones on a bottle underneath the sink doesn't mean that it's pirate juice." "Okay, well, uh, uh, then I will follow your lead with Louis." "I will be the second in command, the-the copilot, the, uh, the, uh, the lieutenant, if you will." "I won't." "This is hard." "Oh, all right, let me help you out here." "Type in a phrase." "Anything you want to say." "Okay." ""I... want to quit."" "Okay, uh... (speaks Mandarin Chinese)" "Uh, excuse me." "If you're trying to say, "I want to quit,"" "it's pronounced..." "(speaks Mandarin Chinese)" "What you asked for is a lap dance." "Oh, my God, I'm sorry." "It's okay, I wasn't offended." "Oh, well, in that case... (repeats mispronunciation)" "(laughs)" "I'm Jean." "I'm Walden." "Oh, and, uh, this is Louis and Alan." "Hi." "Nice to meet you." "So, you're teaching Louis Mandarin?" "Well, I bought him, uh, an app for 99 cents, so, yeah, I'm teaching him." "(laughs)" "Well, I speak fluent Mandarin, so if you need any help with anything... give me a call." "Ah, well, I could always use a helping hand." "(chuckles)" "(speaking Mandarin Chinese)" "Oh." "Oh!" "Nice meeting you." "What happened?" "What did you say?" "He said, "They're married."" "And if he hadn't, I was about to." "♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪" "♪ Ah. ♪ ♪ Men. ♪" "♪ Two and a Half Men 12x06 ♪ Alan Shot a Little Girl Original Air Date on December 4, 2014" "== sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man" "♪ Men. ♪" "How's it going out there?" "I don't know." "I'm trying to read their lips." "He either said, "I really like it here,"" "or "I'd really like a beer."" "I-I'm sure he's saying good things." "You know, how-how you're teaching him Chinese, how I'm teaching him environmental awareness." "You taught him to pee in the shower to save water." "And you know what our Mother Earth says to that?" "Xiexie." "I got to tell you, I've already grown attached to this kid." "And if she does try to take him away," "I know a guy who can get him back." "You're kidding, right?" "Right, kidding." "But if I find an envelope in my car with, say, two grand in it," "I have no way of knowing where it came from." "Can I talk to you guys for a second?" "Uh, yeah, sure." "Uh, Berta, could you watch Louis?" "Absolutely." "We'll be in the car with the engine running." "No reason." "So, I talked to Louis about his weekend here." "Uh, did he answer you in English or Mandarin?" "English." "Though I'm very impressed you're teaching him Chinese." "And to pee in the shower." "That's mine." "I'm also teaching him to dance like no one is watching." "Well, he seems to have settled in nicely." "He feels very happy and safe with you guys, so I see no reason why I shouldn't approve you to be Louis's foster parents." "Really?" "Are you serious?" "I rarely lie about these things." "I did it once, and it did not go well." "This-this is great!" "I-I know." "I-I've never been approved for anything, ever." "Bite me, Discover Card." "Congratulations!" "Thank you!" "This is my favorite part of the job." "Well, that and doughnut Friday." "Oh, God, my life is empty." "Oh, wait, d-does Louis know?" "No, he thinks I'm happy." "Oh, you mean about him here." "Uh, no, you should tell him." "But before you do, just remember, kids who've been in the foster system as long as he has can be a little withdrawn or manipulative, so don't be surprised if he acts out." "It's okay." "I was a rebel when I was a kid." "One night, I took my mom's car for a joyride." "(chuckles) The cops would have never caught me if the library hadn't been closed." "Well, call me if you need anything." "I got to run." "I got to hit the craft store." "I am making each one of my cats a Christmas stocking." "I should have stopped at "I got to run."" "Anyway, congratulations." "Oh, hey, uh, Louis, could you come in here?" "Oh, my God, we should tell him he can't stay." "How funny would that be?" "I'll follow your lead." "Hey, Louis, um, so Ms. McMartin said that you like it here and you want to stay." "I do." "Well, we told her that we want you to stay, and she said... okay!" "Really?" "Cool!" "Yeah." "We should celebrate." "Can we get pizza, Zippy?" "(Berta laughs)" "That turned out funnier than I thought it would." "♪ Men. ♪" "You know, when my son was your age, we used to play video games just like this." "Really?" "Yes, and I used to let him win, just like I'm letting you win... (cars crashing over TV) Hey!" "How'd you blow up my car?" "!" "All right, Louis, time to get ready for bed." "Five more minutes?" "No." "You know the deal." "One hour of video games a night." "Now it's bedtime." "Aw, no fair." "Well, life isn't fair." "Look at my face, look at his." "All right, I'm gonna go run you a bath." "Put your dishes in the sink and put away the controllers." "And, Louis, you help him." "Oh, I know you're upset, but rules are important." "It's just, we never got to play video games in the group home." "Oh, of course." "The group home." "Okay, what if we just snuck in a few more minutes?" "Really?" "Yeah, yeah, yeah, but, uh... but you can't tell Walden, and we have to play it really quietly." "(quietly):" "You're the coolest." "(gasps) I'm the cool dad." "(whispers):" "I'm the cool dad." "♪ Men. ♪" "Oh, hey there, kiddo." "How'd you sleep?" "With my eyes closed." "Ah, kicking it old school." "I respect that." "Can I have breakfast?" "Sure." "How about some oatmeal?" "Cookies!" "Well, do you like oatmeal cookies?" "Yes." "Well, this is a sugarless oatmeal cookie in wet, pasty form." "Why can't I have cookies?" "Well, because cookies aren't breakfast food." "And remember what Walden said about eating healthy." "Yeah, I know." "My last foster family wouldn't give me cookies either." "Oh." "I suppose one wouldn't hurt." "Thanks." "(chuckles)" "WALDEN:" "Hey, Louis, are you up yet?" "Oh." "Uh, in here!" "(quietly):" "Eat it." "Wipe your mouth." "Chocolate lips sink ships." "(singsongy):" "Morning." "Morning." "Just making Louis some oatmeal." "That's good, 'cause we got a big day for you, big guy." "I got a bunch of errands to run, but Alan is gonna take you to the store and buy you a new backpack." "I saw one that looks just like Yoda." "(imitates Yoda):" "To school you will wear it." "Okay." "Hmm." "What are you eating?" "Show it to me." "Is that a cookie?" "Where did you get a cookie?" "Louis, where did you get a cookie?" "Hey, uh, Louis, why don't you go get dressed and-and I'll make you some oatmeal, and then you can get going." "Okay." "Oh, and-and don't forget to brush your teeth." "And-and wash your hands." "Oh, and put on clean underwear." "Clean underwear?" "We're going to Target, not the White House." "Why would you give him a cookie for breakfast?" "I couldn't help it." "He gave me orphan face." "(Cockney accent):" "Please, sir, can I have a cookie?" "Me tum-tum is all empty and growly." "When it comes to Louis, we have to be a team." "If I make a rule, you got to have my back." "You're right, you're right, and-and from now on," "I will ignore him like I ignore all those calls from the collection agency." "Great." "Okay, now, please, today, just take him to the store, get him a backpack, and then bring him home." "I want to do something fun later." "A hint: has to do with miniature golf and it rhymes with "what-what."" "That sounds great." "I'll, uh, take him out right after breakfast." "And while you're out, get some more of these cookies." "(Cockney accent):" "They make me tum-tum all smiley, governor." "See, I can do accents." "♪ Men. ♪" "Okay." "Okay, here's the fun part." "Wait." "Wait." "♪ Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto ♪" "♪ Domo ♪ ♪ Domo ♪" "♪ Domo ♪ ♪ Domo ♪" "♪ Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto ♪" "♪ Domo ♪ ♪ Domo ♪" "♪ Domo. ♪ ♪ Domo. ♪" "(music continues)" "I like that song." "It's about robots." "Yup." "If you have to have one cassette stuck in your dash, make it Styx." "Look, laser tag!" "Can we go?" "Oh, no, no, no, no, no." "No, no." "We're just gonna go buy a backpack and go straight home." "Please?" "Oh, no, do not give me that face." "It is not gonna work." "I thought you were cool." "Well..." "I suppose one game of laser tag couldn't hurt." "Awesome!" "But it has to be a... (turns up music)" "♪ Secret, secret ♪" "BOTH:" "♪ I got a secret... ♪" "♪ Men. ♪" "(kids laughing, lasers firing)" "(laughs)" "Go tell your mommies you got shot by CoolDad47." "Hey, hey, who hit me?" "I got you." "Oh." "I'm gonna get you." "I'm gonna get you." "Yeah, yeah, you better run." "Better run faster." "(thump) LOUIS:" "Ow, my head!" "Louis?" "Louis, are you okay?" "Hey, whoa, whoa!" "Wait, wait, don't shoot!" "Uh, my kid is hurt." "Ha, ha." "Sucker." "♪ Men. ♪" "♪  Men. ♪" "Hey." "I got here as quick as I could." "Are you okay, buddy?" "What happened?" "He's fine." "It's typical kid stuff, you know?" "He was running a little too fast, and he tripped and bumped his head." "And then Alan shot a little girl." "What?" "We played laser tag." "♪ Secret, secret ♪" "♪ It was a secret. ♪" "Alan, can I talk to you in the hallway?" "Ooh, you're in trouble." "I really hope you have a good explanation for taking him to laser tag." "Uh, okay, j-just out of curiosity, um, uh, what, in your opinion, would qualify as a good explanation?" "I don't know." "Y-Your car broke down outside of the place." "And then the tornado was coming, so you took shelter inside." "And then once you got in there, you contracted a rare disease that could only be cured by playing laser tag." "Wow, it's like you were there." "What the hell, man?" "You said you had my back." "Why do you keep doing this?" "He thinks I'm cool." "I mean, when Jake was a kid, he thought Charlie was the cool one." "When you moved in, Jake thought you were the cool one." "Now it's my turn." "Louis thinks I'm Al-Al Cool Dad." "No, he doesn't." "He's using this to manipulate you just like Ms. McMartin said he would." "Oh, so the-the only possible reason that someone would like me is because they're trying to manipulate me?" "Yes, that's right!" "You're not Al-Al Cool Dad, you're just Weird Al." "Okay, first of all, that's a compliment to a lover of puns." "Secondly, you're overreacting." "Overreacting?" "(quietly):" "I asked you to get Louis a backpack." "Instead you got him stitches!" "Uh, actually, it's a liquid band." "Shut up!" "Louis is fine." "Kids get hurt all the time, especially boys." "Jake was constantly banging his head." "Okay," "I really don't think you should be using Jake as an example." "Oh, so what are you saying?" "That I did a bad job raising my son?" "Jake is great, but he did just send you a photo from Tokyo and said-- and I quote-- "Look at what a great job they did rebuilding the city after Godzilla."" "Okay, I may not be the best parent in the world, but at least I found a woman willing to have a kid with me." "Okay, you know what, we should drop this." "Like you did Jake, on his head, repeatedly." "Yeah." "I don't have to take this." "So I am just gonna walk away." "Like every woman you've ever dated." "Oh, no, you're gonna walk away?" "Well, when am I gonna see you again?" "Oh, I know." "In 20 minutes, at my house, where you live rent-free." "Proctology is on the eighth floor, Walden!" "In case you'd like to get that stick removed." "Al-Al Cool Dad, out." "♪ Men. ♪" "Morning." "Morning." "I want you to know I spent a lot of time thinking about everything last night." "And?" "And I think an apology is sufficient." "I don't need a gift." "Although I certainly wouldn't refuse a new panini press." "That's a great idea." "You know, if I bought you a panini press, would you smash your balls between the hot metal grates?" "Oh, okay." "I see I'm the only one capable of being a mature adult, so to you I say... (blows raspberry)" "You spit on me." "Oh, did I?" "(blows raspberry)" "Okay." "Let's go." "(blows raspberry)" "(blows raspberry)" "(both blowing raspberries)" "Can I play, too?" "(blows raspberry)" "Hey, buddy, uh, you're already finished with your chores?" "Yup, I made my bed." "What a responsible young man." "I asked you to do something and you did it." "And he's six." "Hey, uh, buddy, now that you're finished with your chores, what do you say we go bowling, huh?" "Doesn't that sound fun?" "We get to wear other people's shoes." "Can Alan come?" "Oh..." "Alan already wears other people's shoes." "I actually have to go to the grocery store, anyway." "Do you know what else would be fun?" "Hey, anything you want to do." "Let's go to the grocery store with Alan." "(blows raspberry)" "♪ Men. ♪" "Can I get Pop Tarts?" "(French accent):" "Ah, Pop Tarts." "This is a wonderful choice." "Might I suggest the classic strawberry?" "Is best by 2016." "This is an excellent year." "Anything for the lady?" "Perhaps a glass of kiss my shir-ass." "Oh, oh." "What do you got there, buddy?" "I want Froot Loops." "You know, we only get one special treat." "So if you want those, we got to put the Pop Tarts back." "But I want both." "Well, here's the thing:" "we can't have both." "So... that's the rule." "Ooh, this should be good." "Okay, Louis... you heard what I said." "You can't have these." "Oh, Snap..." "Crackle and Pop." "What are you doing?" "I want Froot Loops." "Okay, I'm gonna count to three, and if you don't get up, you're gonna be in big trouble." "Ooh, counting." "This is some groundbreaking stuff." "One two three." "One..." "One and a half..." "Well, you clearly have this under control." "I'm gonna go check out the cuties in the produce section." "And I may or may not be talking about the tangerines." "You hear that, Louis?" "He's leaving." "And I, now, I guess, now I'm leaving, so... unless you want to live here in the cereal aisle," "I suggest you get up." "All right, okay." "Here we go, then." "Have fun." "(chuckles)" "I hope Captain Crunch can put you through college." "Next stop is the checkout aisle." "That's it." "I am not kidding, I mean it." "I am leaving." "ALAN (imitating P.A.):" "Attention shoppers, we are having a two-for-one sale on meaningless threats in aisle five." "Can you help me out here?" "Help?" "Oh, oh." "You want me to help?" "Well, I suppose I could drop him on his head repeatedly." "Okay, you know what, I deserve that." "Yesterday I said some things that I regret." "Mm." "Like what?" "God, do we have to do this now?" "Why not?" "I'm not going anywhere." "Clearly, he's not going anywhere." "Okay, fine, I said that-that you're not a very good father." "And that is simply not true." "Thank you." "That must have been hard for you to say." "And Jake is a very bright and capable young man." "And that must have been damn near impossible to say." "But... very sweet." "Um, I shouldn't have gone behind your back with Louis." "But it just, it felt so good that he wanted to be with me." "And I've never been anybody's first pick before." "You were my first pick to help me raise a kid." "Clean up on aisle five." "The floor's about to be covered in tears." "Okay." "Can-Can you give me a hand here?" "Okay, I've seen this a million times before." "There is one surefire parental technique that always works." "He wanted Froot Loops." "We're good parents." "We really are." "♪ Men. ♪" "♪ Men. ♪ Louis is all tucked in." "Oh, yeah?" "No extra bedtime story?" "No secret dessert?" "No dancing like no one's watching?" "No jazz hands were raised, no heels were kicked." "I appreciate that." "I got your back." "And to say thank you," "I got you a special surprise." "(gasps) Froot Loops!" "Shh." "♪ Secret, secret ♪" "BOTH:" "♪ We got a secret. ♪" "== sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man"