"(HUMMING)" "(GURGLING)" "I suppose we could just fire him." "(ALL clamouring)" "Of course, we'll have to give him three months' notice." "Stuff and nonsense." "Leave it to me." "I'll talk to the chairman and insist on Mr Bean's immediate dismissal." "Now, then, back to the agenda." "The Grierson Gallery of California has recently received a private donation of $50 million to spend on buying Whistler's portrait of his mother from the Musée d'Orsay in Paris." "It is quite simply the most historic purchase made by an American gallery this century." "It's as simple as this." "The greatest painting ever by an American artist is returning at last to America." "From now on, Whistler's Mother lives right here in Los Angeles, where she belongs." "When will we actually see her?" "The unveiling will be in about two weeks, and you're all invited." "(REPORTERS CLAMOURlNG)" "They've asked us to send a scholar of great weight and substance to preside over the ceremony and stay on for a couple of months of lectures and seminars." "Dr Rosenblum, Dr Cutler, you both hold high claim on this great honour." "(knocking ON DOOR)" " The chairman is here, sir." " Excellent." "Send him in." "Oh, and run and fetch Mr Bean, will you?" " We're about to fire him." " Marvellous." "CHARLES:" "Yes, Mr Bean is the worst employee in the gallery's history." "(SNORlNG)" "(mumbling)" "(THUDDlNG)" "(SNORlNG)" "Good afternoon, sir." "Sit down." "Sit down." "Now, before we move on to the major business of the day," "I should like to broach the question of Mr Bean." "Now, Mr Bean has worked for us for many years." "And will for many years to come." "I employed this splendid young man when I was doing your job, Charles, and you can have my resignation if you go anywhere near him." "(SNORTS)" "(TRUMPETlNG)" "(BLOWS RASPBERRY)" "He's a fine young fellow." "Absolutely." "Quite right." "Very well, moving on." "The Grierson Gallery of California needs a representative of our great gallery." "They're looking for a scholar of a very high standing." "I have therefore decided to recommend for the post, and the three-month sabbatical that goes with it, that splendid employee," "Mr Bean." "All those in favour?" "ALL:" "Yes!" "Excellent." "Carried." "Our loss is America's gain." "(CLEARS THROAT) David, got a letter from the Royal National Gallery." "They're recommending a guy called Bean to represent them." "Bean?" "I can't say I've heard of him." "Well, the letter's signed by Drs Rosenblum and Cutler." " Well, that's impressive." " They say," ""He's a man whose incontrovertible genius dwarfs our own meagre talents."" "david:" "Rosenblum and Cutler said that?" "Well, you asked for England's top man." "I do believe I delivered him." "He certainly sounds like it." "However, before we confirm, Bernice here still feels that we'd get more media attention if we had someone from, let's say, the entertainment industry." "I genuinely believe that we could get Jon Bon Jovi." "Jon Bon Jovi?" " To unveil Whistler's Mother?" " Yes." "I've nothing against Jon Bon Jovi." "The man has had two great hairstyles in the last 10 years, which is an achievement not to be sniffed at, but so far as I know," "Mr Jovi knows absolutely nothing about 19th-century Impressionism." "He certainly hasn't mentioned it in any of his recent songs." " No, but David..." " This is not a rock video." "This is a great and serious work of art, and Dr Bean will give the occasion depth and dignity." "(CAMERA SHUTTER clicks)" " You're right." "We go with Bean." " George..." "No, no, no, no, David's our curator." "This is David's call." "It's his decision, his responsibility, ultimately, his neck." " And where do you want him to stay?" " I have a rather interesting idea." "Here?" "In our house for two months?" "(MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)" "David, what, suddenly there's no hotels in Los Angeles?" "Okay, there's no need to get excited here." "I just thought, you know, this is the Royal National Gallery of England's top man." "I thought he'd be very exciting to have around, to learn from and talk to and..." "So do we know anything about our new best friend?" "No, but I think they might have mentioned it if he was a notorious serial killer." "Are you feeling lucky, punk?" "(SNARLS)" "David, you know, we have an expression in this country." " It says, "Over my dead body."" " Ali." "I'd like to put it on the table right here and now." "This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and it could be seriously great for the kids." " You're kidding." " Come on, it's gonna be great!" "Let's say there is a chart of the most intelligent people you've ever met in your life." "Well, at number one with a bullet is Dr Bean." "Kevin, you know how sometimes you ask me questions that I can't answer?" "Like, "What is an intrauterine device?"" "Well, I think more like, "What's the meaning of life?"" " I never asked you that." " That's fine." "It doesn't matter." "What I am saying here is that Dr Bean is a very remarkable man." "Hey, for all you know, he could be very cute." "Oh, come on, the guy is gonna be a creep." "All Englishmen are ugly." "I just look at Prince Charles and weep." "Okay, so he's gonna look like Meat Loaf's butt." "Yeah, and that's if we get lucky." "Jennifer, no one is asking you to marry him." "You know, I don't know why we have these family conferences if Dad's already made up his mind." " Perceptive child." " Hey, what's wrong with Meat Loaf's butt?" "Oh, come on, everybody, it's gonna be great!" "Dr Bean is a genius of the very highest order." "Good evening." "(GURGLES)" "No, sir, you're in fact in first class." "Good evening." "(PEOPLE chattering)" "Good evening, sir." "May I take your coat?" "Thank you." "(sighs)" "(giggles AND SNORTS)" "Good." "Simple poster, nice and big." "It's actual size." "A bargain at $9.99." " WALTER:" "Spencer?" " Yes, sir." "Bath towel." "Yeah, pushing your luck a little here, Walter." "It'll sell." " It's Whistler's Sister." " Oh, you are kidding." "No, sir, we have a range for every member of the family." "Whistler's Mother's Cookies, chocolate chip," "Whistler's Father's Beer Mug, and here's a really cute one for the younger-brother range," " Whistler's Whistle." " david:" "Yeah." " You just blow up her ass." "Here, try." " Yeah, yeah, yeah, I..." "Mummy, I don't feel well." "I think I'm gonna be sick." "(SQUlSHlNG)" " Just here, sir." " MAN ON PA:" "Your attention, please." "Welcome to Los Angeles International Airport." "Do not leave baggage or other items unattended." "Hey!" "Any second now." "I think we're looking for a Brad Pitt look-alike." "officer:" "Police!" "Get on him now!" "Move it!" "Police!" "Come on!" "Come on, watch it!" "Watch it!" "Everybody, out of the way!" "In pursuit of a 415." "Male with a gun heading into zone 10, terminal 2." "Get your people over here now!" "Get out of the way!" "Get out of the way!" "Move it!" "Move!" "Move!" "Move!" "Police!" "Coming through!" "Come on, lady!" "Watch it!" "Move!" "There he is!" "There he is!" "Move!" "Move!" "Move!" "Police!" "Everyone on the floor now!" "(WOMAN SCREAMS)" " Not you, sweetie." " Oh, right." "(GUNS COCKlNG)" "Carefully take out your weapon, holding the butt with two fingers only." "Slowly place it on the floor and take three steps back." " What is this?" " I don't know." "Weird." "Mr Bean, are you presently on any kind of medication?" "Not that I know of." "Well, you can certainly use some." " So, Doctor..." " Bean." "Yes, okay, Dr Bean." "Well, you made it." "Nice flight?" "Well, this is Kevin, and this is Jennifer." "She's been very excited about meeting you." "My wife, Alison." "David, could I just have the tiniest talk with you in the kitchen?" "All right, yeah." "We're just gonna..." "I appreciate that on first viewing he seems a little eccentric." "David, there are Martians who have been exiled from Mars for looking weird who look less weird than this guy." " He has an original quality, but every time..." " He goes today." "Wow!" "That was amazing!" "That's really cool." "Hey, can you do this?" "No, but I can do this." "Neat!" "Wow!" "How do you do that?" "Magic." " Okay, so you're gonna tell him?" " I'll do it." "Yes." " Today?" " Yes, today, today, today." " Today seems like a good day." " Good." "(CLANGlNG)" "Well, sir, an unorthodox start." "I guess I never expected things with a man of your calibre to be normal." "I gotta confess." "I've never actually read anything you've written." "Tell me, Doctor, what exactly is your position at the gallery?" "I sit in the corner and look at the paintings." "That is brilliant!" "If only more scholars would do that, you know, just sit and look." "You know, not lecture and write and argue, just sit and look at the paintings themselves." "Now, that is brilliant." "Yeah." "Yes." " Morning, Elmer." " Good morning, sir." "Dr Bean?" "ELMER:" "If you'd like to sign in, sir?" "Thank you." "Welcome to the Grierson, Dr Bean." "Welcome to my world." "We're expected in Grierson's office at 9:00 a.m." "Now, this is a man who does not like to be kept waiting, so if you..." " Do you mind if I..." " Yeah, okay, absolutely." "You bet." "All right." "(humming)" "(GASPS)" "(MOANS CONTENTEDLY)" "Hi." "(humming)" "(GROANS)" "Doctor, we should make a move." "We're very late." "(GRUNTS)" "Oh." "We..." "Doctor, we..." "If..." "When you're ready." "Okay." "GEORGE:" "David, finally." "And this must be our professor from across the sea." "Yes, George Grierson, this is Dr Bean." "I'm delighted, Doctor." " Actually, I'm not..." " PHOTOGRAPHER:" "Dr Bean?" " Dr Bean?" " Can we get a photo, please, sir?" " Right here." " We've heard a great deal about you, Doctor." " PHOTOGRAPHER:" "Thank you, gentlemen." " We expect a great deal of you." " And this is Bernice, in charge of PR." " An absolute honour, Doctor." "All right, thank you." "And Walter Huntley, our merchandise manager." " Nice to meet you." " Moving along." "Take a seat, Doctor." "Thank you." "Here, let me take that old thing." "This is very out-of-date." "Thank you." "Before we settle in, you might want to feast your eyes on these." "Well, I'll be honest with you, Bean." "I like this." "It's beautiful, sir." "I think it is, yeah." " Over here." " Okay." "Yeah." "That's a lovely green there." " Good." "Good." "Down to business." " Okay." "I've asked Bernice to run through the order of events for the opening." "Dr Bean, would you like to join us?" "No." "No, I'll just..." "Very well." "Bernice?" "Now, you will note that anything pertaining to special media requirements is prefixed with an asterisk, i.e. glossy stills requested by some of the favoured weeklies, that sort of thing." "Right." "So the big day unfolds as follows." "Our generous benefactor, General Newton, will be arriving at 10:00 a.m. to meet the members of the staff." "Then, at 10:30, we'll have the unveiling of the picture." "Now, this will be in front of all press and media." "Walter, I'm assuming all this merchandising is gonna be made available?" "Oh, absolutely." "From fridge magnets to Frisbees, we'll be ready." "So it will probably be at about 11:00 a.m., when the stage is set for Dr Bean." "(BEAN humming)" "Yes, all right, we really..." "We really should bring in the doctor here." "Dr Bean?" "Doctor, we've just been inspecting the schedule, and..." "If you would just like to take a look at yours right over there at your convenience?" "The general should be arriving at 10:00 a.m., and he'll unveil the picture at 10:30., so at about 1 1:00, we should be ready for your speech." "Yes, and I think 20 minutes should be long enough." " Don't you, Bernice?" " Absolutely." "I know you could fill hours, Doctor, but for the press, it would be best if you could keep it quite light." "Maybe throw in some anecdotes about the actual painting of the picture and explain why it is considered to be America's greatest painting." "Is that going to be enough, Doctor, 20 minutes?" "Well, dear friends, if you'll excuse me, I have a lunch with the Mayor." "Not the kind of thing I like, but duty calls." "Well, Doctor, it's good to meet you." "It's a complex experience." "Enjoy your stay with David." "They're simple people but warm." " David, if I may have just a private word?" " Okay." "I tell you, why don't you wait for me back at the new acquisitions?" "I'll join you shortly." "Yeah." "Yes, sir?" " He's a genius, right?" " Yeah, he's eccentric, but..." " Yes." " Yeah." "The unveiling of Whistler's Mother is the most important thing to ever happen to this gallery, and Dr Bean was your choice." "Yes, I understand that." "Thank you, sir." "(STUCK IN THE MIDDLE WITH YOU playing)" "Dr Bean, when we get home, I wonder..." "When we get home, I wonder if you would mind giving me a private moment with my wife." "There's a little something we need to work out." "No problem." "Yeah, I think..." "Just wait in here would be good." "Oh, just ignore that." "Her mother gave it to us." "Huge sentimental value, you know, so..." "Just make yourself at home." "I'll be just a couple of minutes with Alison." "Oh, Doctor." "I would actually not do that." "That's a limited edition." "It's that it's delicate, so if you... (stammering) Or, yeah, if..." "Put it there would be good." "Yeah." "Okay, that's..." "All right." "(EGGBEATER WHlRRlNG)" " Hi." " Hi." "No Dr Bean?" "Well, actually, no, he is still here, but let me..." " Jennifer!" "Kevin!" " I just want us..." "I just want us..." "Plan B!" "You have luggage packed?" "What is Plan B?" "Plan B is, if you haven't gotten rid of Dr Bean, we go straight to Grandma's." " I can't believe you..." " Screwed up again, huh, Dad?" "Oh, come on, there was no time to raise the subject!" " Kevin, start the car, would you, sweetie?" " Oh, Ali, wait a second and look." "No, you look, David, my darling, I have asked very little from you, but I did ask you to get rid of Dr Bean, and you have made your choice, so you two can stay here" "and really come to grips with postmodernism, but I am taking our children to my mother's." "Just give him one last chance." " Oh, David..." " Just one." "Please?" "Okay." "Okay." " Thank you." " All right." "Thanks." "Once you get to know him," " I think you're gonna..." " David, don't." "(MUSIC PLAYING)" " Hello, Doctor." " Hello." "No, no, no, no, Doctor, that is not for the TV." "That's for the..." "Yeah, well, there they go." "Well, Doctor, we've got the whole weekend together." "Yeah, get to know each other and..." "I was thinking tomorrow we might really do LA." "There's the Gallery of American Indian Art." "There's the California State Gallery." "There's actually this new place, the Rabowitz, which is kind of the place for abstract expressionism." "Does that sound good to you?" "Maybe you have something else in mind?" "(I GET AROUND playing)" "(SNORlNG)" "(ALL screaming)" "Incredible." "You set?" "MAN ON PA:" "Thank you for taking the Ride of Doom." "Why don't you get another ticket?" "Could be more fun second time round." "Okay." "Brace yourself." "(ALL screaming)" "(screaming)" "(sighs)" "(humming)" " He's a genius, huh?" " That's what they tell me." "Well, he looks like a fruitcake to me." "Are you willing to take responsibility for his actions?" "(GROWLS)" "Well, you're a braver man than me, and I single-handedly take on gangs armed with AK-47s." "Get him out of here." "Tell him his is a butt I would dearly love to kick, and the next time, I will." "Doctor, there is something we have to talk about, and I don't quite know how to put this." "(BEAN humming)" "What I am concerned about is... (DOORBELL ringing)" "Whoever that is, I am getting rid of them." "There he is." "David, sorry we're late." " The traffic!" "Oh, terrible." " sylvia:" "Oh, that's beautiful!" "You couldn't believe." "Every day, it gets worse and worse." " It's just the way she..." "It's the green." " And why?" "Because nobody's in control." "No, it's the yellow." "It's just..." "It's the yellow." "She is a..." "Well, where is Alison?" "Well, I've got some bad news and some good news." "The bad news is that Alison has had to go visit her mum," " Who, well, is not well." " That's too bad." " Gee, the poor thing." " Sorry to hear that, David." "The good news is that Dr Bean and I will be cooking." " You sure that's good news?" " Well, of course it is." "All the greatest chefs in the world are men." "So what's on the menu, maestro?" "(whispers) How could I forget?" "What the hell are we going to give them?" "Yes, I think they may be expecting something slightly more formal." "An onion?" "Just on its own?" "No, no, don't be ridiculous." "That's for Thanksgiving." "Alison would kill me." "No, no, there must be something else." " Have you ever cooked one of these before?" " Oh, yes." "But anyway, it would take like five hours, right?" "Not necessarily." "(BOTH grunting)" "What do you think?" "Twenty minutes?" "I don't know." "You're sure this is gonna work?" "Okay, you're the chef." "Just put on some vegetables and come and say hello." "(exclaims)" "sylvia:" "Maestro!" "My taste buds are positively tingling with anticipation." "No." "No, thanks." "I think we'll pass on the appetiser." "So, Bean, big day Tuesday, your big day, my big day." "I have a question for you." "(microwave BLEEPlNG)" "He's very attentive to detail." "Everything must be just so." "(explosion)" "Bean, I think we need to be honest with each other." "I cannot deny that, over the last days, some suspicions have begun to gather in my mind, and I would just like to ask you some direct questions," "Okay?" "Number one, are you a doctor?" "No." "Number two, do you know anything about art?" "Well..." "Just for instance here, was Leonardo da Vinci an American basketball player?" "Yes." " Hi, Dad." " Hi, Dad." "Hello, Doctor." " Bye, Dad." " Bye, Dad." "(DOOR closing)" "(YESTERDAY playing)" "Yep." "(david screaming)" "david:" "Oh, my God!" "For God's sake, Bean, what are you doing?" "(PHONE ringing)" "Hello?" "Mr Grierson, yes." "He's just here in the shower with me." "Would you give me..." "Yes, hello, Mr Grierson." "No, no, you must have misunderstood him." "What can I..." "She is?" "Oh, thank you for calling me." " Yes, okay." "Goodbye." " Bye!" "I can't believe it." "Whistler's Mother has actually arrived in America." "Now, listen, I am begging you as a man whose entire professional career depends on you, behave rationally today." "There is no God." "What do you think?" "Nice frame." "She's magnificent." "David, well done." "Worth every bright green buck!" "She's something else, isn't she?" "All right, folks, enjoy her while you can." "After this morning, we lock her away until the guy who paid $50 million for her turns up." "And, Elmer, I believe we have a security meeting." "That's right, sir." "And this is your key to the encasement system." "There are only two." "I have the other one, so if the painting turns up missing, I'll know where to come." "And if you could all join me at the security console?" "Doctor, why don't you just stay here?" "Maybe a look at the real thing will inspire you for your speech." "Just stay here." "Don't leave this room till I get back, okay?" "(sighs)" "This chart maps all the security elements for the big day, and as usual in these circumstances, I've given the operation a code name, which is Operation Whistler's Mother." "It's not a snazzy title, but I think it works." "(TUT-TUTS)" "(SNEEZES)" "Fear not, gentlemen." "With the system we put in here, nothing will touch that painting short of an earthquake that brings down the whole gallery." "(GRUNTS)" "(HAWKlNG)" "(spitting)" "(lMlTATES SQUEAKY WHEELS)" "(CART SQUEAKlNG)" "Once we've gotten the general safely inside, the key figure, security-wise, will be Dr Bean." "We gotta protect the painting without getting in the good doctor's way." "(banging)" "There seems to be a problem" "with the door." "Where's the picture gone?" "What?" "What?" "What?" "What?" "Oh, Jesus!" "Oh, God!" "Oh, Jesus!" "God!" "Oh, Mary, mother of Jesus!" "Jesus of Nazareth!" "Wait a minute." "Why am I worrying about this?" "You did it!" "All I have to do is go out and tell them what happened." "Perfect!" "Then they'll say, "Well, who left him alone with the picture?"" "And I say, "Me."" "Then they say, "Well, you're fired!" I say, "Fine."" "No, no, no, no, no!" "Then they say, "Firing is not enough." "Let's prosecute you for negligence!"" "Then I go to jail." "My wife leaves me." "My daughter becomes a prostitute." "I wind up on death row sharing a cell with Butch mcdick!" "All right, calm down." "I just gotta calm down." "Okay." "Okay." "Give me one more look at the painting." "Oh, God!" "Oh, God!" "Oh, God!" "Oh, God!" "...which renders the underground ventilation ducts completely secure." " Yes, well, that's good to know." " Thank you, sir." "Hey, do you drink, Bean?" " No." " Good, neither do I." "MAN ON TV:" "The Yankees grab the bat." "Yeah, this one has extra innings written all over it, doesn't it?" "Ozzie hangs over the plate." "He's got the long-ball threat from the left side." "Smith corks one to right field down the line." " There it goes." " Bean." "It's going." "Going crazy, folks!" "Going crazy!" "It's a home run!" "And the Cardinals have won the... (BLEATING)" "Carry on." "You wanna know what the reality of the situation is?" "Okay, this is it." "Because you moved into my house, my wife has moved out." "Yes, she did." "She might have moved out anyway, but that is one, point one." "Point two," "I've given my life to art, and from here on in, the only art I will get anywhere near are the pictures I draw on the pavement, hoping passers-by will throw nickels in my hat." "I guess the long and the short of it," "I wish I'd never been born." "(singing) Yesterday" "All my troubles seemed so far away" "Now it looks as though they're here to stay" "I believe in yesterday" "Suddenly" "I'm not half the man I used to be" "MAN:" "Oh, no!" "There's a shadow hanging over me" "I believe in yesterday" "Suddenly" "(humming)" "(BOTH singing) Row, row, row, your boat" "Gently down the stream" "If you see a crocodile" "Don't forget to scream" "(SCREAMS)" "(david singing) Splish, splash, splish, splash" "Row, row, row your boat" "Gently down the stream" "If you see a crocodile" "Don't forget to scream" "(BOTH screaming)" "I can explain everything." "alison:" "Okay, explain everything." " It's inexplicable." "Ali, listen..." " David, no." "David, the reason that I came home was because I missed you and also because I live here, and they live here, but, David, we have been waiting for five hours, and what do we get?" "A drunk and his friend from the planet Zog." "I know, and it seems like this horrible situation, but if you could..." "If you could just hear my full horrific tale..." "David, I think I'm gonna have to leave you." "You are?" "Well, then things really have gotten bad." "Yeah." "(slurping)" "kevin:" "Hi, Beanie." "Can't sleep, huh?" "No." "Me, neither." "Can't stop thinking about naked women." " What about you?" " Whistler's Mother." "Well, whatever turns you on." "Catch you around, moon-man." "Oh, if you still can't sleep, come to my room." "I got some great posters of Cindy Crawford on my wall." "(GRUNTlNG)" "Oh, dear." "BEAN:" "Help!" "Help!" "(GROANS)" "Come on!" "(GRUNTlNG)" "(GROANS)" "(GUARD screaming)" "(gasping)" "Hooray!" "(GROANS)" "(GROANS)" "Oh, my God!" "Oh, my God!" "Jennifer?" "No, no, no, no, don't think for one minute you're getting on that bike, Jen." "Morning, everyone." "Total family rule here." "No one is allowed on one of those death traps." "You promised me, Jen." "And you promised Mum you'd get rid of Dr Freako." "Don't talk to me." "I am trying to think what I'm going to do." " Well..." " Quiet!" "This way." "Yes, ma'am." "(REPORTERS CLAMOURlNG)" "What a pleasure, sir." "Welcome to our humble abode." "Not too humble, I hope." "I'm expecting lunch." " Of course." "General, right this way." " After you, sir." "After you." "Glad you could make it." " Where the hell have you been?" " I am sorry." "Trouble at home." " Never mind." "Come along." "(stammering) Sir, there is something..." "General, I'd like you to meet our curator, David Langley." " I'm delighted to meet you, sir." " Of course you are." "Right through here, sir." "Ladies and gentlemen, this is a great moment for America and for one very special lady, Whistler's Mother." "(ALL applauding)" "And she's here today, thanks to our great and good benefactor." "Will you join me in saluting a soldier, philanthropist, loving father..." "MAN:" "Hear, hear." "...and an extremely generous patron of the arts, General Newton?" "Thank you, ladies and gentlemen." "I am not a traditional art lover." "I don't know the difference between a Picasso and a car crash, but I love my country." "I can't stand the idea of a bunch of Frenchies owning America's greatest painting." "Let's get on with it." "Welcome home, Ma." "Whatever you did, you're a genius, and I love you!" "It's a poster." "It's a what?" " David?" "It's time." " (stammering) Time for what?" " The speech." " What?" "Wait." "What speech?" " Congratulations, David." " Dr Bean's speech about the painting." "Yes, of course, the speech." "Now, Doctor, try to keep it below an hour, and if there could be one joke in it, that would be nice." "Good Morning America couldn't give a flying monkey about "isms" and..." " Oh, you know what I mean." " Yeah." " It doesn't have to go on for long." "Just..." " BERNlCE:" "Dr Bean?" " Just..." "Just..." " We're ready for you." "Right this way." "Just..." "Just..." "Just..." "And now, for the second highlight of our day." "Dr Bean, a great English art scholar, is here to speak for a few minutes, not too long, Doctor, on the subject of our new purchase." "Ladies and gentlemen, Dr Bean of the National Gallery of England." " Okay." " Yeah!" " Okay." " Okay!" " Thank you." " Bravo." "Bravo." "(giggles NERVOUSLY)" "Well, hello, I'm Dr Bean, apparently," "and my job is to sit and look at paintings." "So what have I learnt that I can say about this painting?" "Well..." "Well, firstly, it's quite big, which is excellent because if it was really small, you know, microscopic, then hardly anybody would be able to see it, which would be a tremendous shame." "Secondly, and I'm getting quite near the end now of this analysis of this painting..." "Secondly," "why was it worth this man here spending 50 million of your American dollars on this portrait?" "And the answer is, well, this picture is worth such a lot of money because  it's a picture of Whistler's mother," "and as I've learnt by staying with my best friend," "David Langley, and his family, families are very important, and even though Mr Whistler was perfectly aware that his mother was a hideous old bat who looked like she had a cactus lodged up her backside," "he stuck with her and even took the time to paint this amazing picture of her." "It's not just a painting." "It's a picture of a mad old cow who he thought the world of," "and that's marvellous." "Well, that's what I think, anyway." " Bravo!" " Bravo!" " Home and dry." " Where did you put the original?" "Mr Langley, may I have a word?" "Stay here." "Shut up." " Mr Langley..." " Okay, I can explain everything." " What can you explain?" " About the painting." " Which painting?" " Whistler's Mother." "I'm afraid, Mr Langley, I'm here in my capacity as a police officer, not as an art lover." "It's about your daughter." "She's been in a motorcycle accident." "(siren blaring)" "Damn!" "Request emergency clearance for 809-Adam." "Shut up!" "(WOMAN shrieking) 211 in progress." "Suspect male, possibly armed." "Request immediate backup." "Keep speeding." " If you get a ticket, I'll tear it up." " Thanks." "Hold it!" "Okay, easy, fellow, easy." "Hold it, there." "Right there." "Hey!" "Easy." "Put it down." "Put the gun down." "(GUN firing)" "Hi, I need Jennifer Langley's room." "She came in at about 11:00, motorcycle accident." "Out of the way, sir." "(groaning)" "She's on the fifth floor, east wing." "Just take the elevator up." "(GROANS)" "Just..." "All right." "I'm so..." "Just..." "Please, just stay here and do nothing." "If you do nothing, nothing can go wrong." "I've got to take care of my family now." "The nurse says that it's not a coma, that she's just..." "She's just sort of taking time out, but we haven't seen a doctor yet, so I don't..." " Dr Jacobson?" " Yes?" "We need you urgently in OR 3." " No can do." "I'm due in number 4 at 1 :00." " Sir, it's urgent." "We have a ruptured kidney and massive bleeding." "Okay." "Yes, it's urgent!" " What's happening?" " Surgeon's on his way up." "At last, Dr Bean." "NURSE:" "Hello, Doctor." "We've got a 45-year-old male, blood type B negative, brought in by paramedics 10 minutes ago." "He's got a penetrating injury to the left chest." " The..." " Yes, yes, yes, yes." "The stethoscope's fallen." " Gotta get him in there right now." " No, no, no!" "Come in, Doctor." "It looks like a bullet in the lower thorax." "It seems to have ruptured the lung, and there's severe inner bleeding along the abdomen." "Doctor, he's coming to." " All right, give him a T-70." " NURSE:" "Got it." "Shall I extend the incision, sir?" "We've taken it from the breastbone to the diaphragm." "We may have to extend further to get to the spleen." "(TUT-TUTTlNG)" "Sorry, sir, it's only my first week." "No, you're right, Doctor." "We should wait for the x-rays." "Help!" "We are losing this guy out here!" " For Jesus' sake, we need help!" " DOCTOR:" "Go!" "Go!" "Go!" "Get in here!" "Watch he doesn't go into haemodynamic shock." "We'll be right back." " NURSE:" "Defibrillating!" " All right, charge the paddles to 200 watts." "Got it." "Clear!" "(sighs)" "What's that?" "(CHUCKLES)" "Jolly good." "Clean it up." "Sorry to keep you waiting, sir." "Nice work in there, people." "Now back to the bleeding." "Where's this blood coming from?" "We got to clamp it off." " Where the hell's that J-17?" " What happened?" " We need that J-17 in OR 4 right now." " He's got major trauma." "There's too much blood." "I can't see a thing." " More suction." " Somebody check that line." " Blood pressure's bottoming out." " Hook me up with 12, will you?" "His heart rate is dropping." "We're gonna lose him." " How's the TMS?" " Come on, people!" "He's crashing on us." "DOCTOR:" "Damn!" " I'm not getting a reading." " Where is this bullet?" " Hang in there, fellow." " Come on, hold on to him." " If we don't find it, he's a dead man." " I am not gonna lose this guy." "NURSE:" "He's slipping." "Sir, we're losing him." "I've got to get in there now." "(SCOFFS)" "Doctor, you can't just..." "It's too dangerous!" "(monitor BLEEPS)" "My God!" "(CLANKlNG)" " Incredible." " NURSE:" "Heart rate is stabilising." "Blood pressure's climbing back." "(sighs ADMlRlNGLY)" "You saved him!" "(RAZZlNG)" "Oh, Doctor, thank God." "My daughter was in an accident." "No one's even taken a look at her yet." "We're desperate for some medical attention in here." "Would you mind?" "(CLEARS THROAT)" "Don't worry, honey." "The doctor will check her out." "Oh, thank God." "Mr and Mrs Langley, any kind of damage to the brain is a very sensitive thing to observe, so maybe we should just step outside and give the doctor a little room to work." "alison:" "The first nurse said we shouldn't think of it as a coma but more like a deep sleep." " Yes, that's sort of true." " Could I ask you a question?" "(whispers) Jennifer?" "Wakey, wakey, breakfast's ready." "Jennifer?" "What time is it?" "It's almost 2:00." "Can you turn the clock back about 12 hours for me?" "Sure." "(GROWLS)" "Wake up!" "Wake up!" "Wake up!" "I don't know what to say about Bean." "He's clearly a force-10 disaster area, but, God help me, I like him." "Now, having said that, there is no reason in the world why any of you should ever have anything to do with him again." "(GRUNTlNG)" "(BUZZlNG)" "(screaming)" "Mom?" "Dad?" "Anyone?" "Oh, my God, Jennifer." " Oh, honey." "Sweetie." " Honey!" "Oh, look at you." " Mum, what happened?" " You had an accident, honey, but everything is gonna be okay." " But what happened to Stingo?" " Just bruises, collar bone." "He'll be fine, until I get my hands on him." " Hey, Doctor, where are you going?" " Where do you think you're going?" "How can we ever say thank you?" "No, you've made us so happy." " Tell us, what can we do?" "We'll do anything." " Anything." "Well, I suppose you could let me stay another week." "(I LOVE L.A. playing)" "Sunset Boulevard." "(TYRES screeching)" " Presents!" "Presents!" " Hey!" "What's this all about?" " This is heavy." " Thank you." " Next present for Jen." " Thanks." "david:" "Let's see what we got here." "Oh, look, laxatives." "Yeah, a whole box of them." "Oh, hey, there they are." "Eggs, six of them." "Barbie!" " Thanks." " david:" "What did you get there?" "Ta-da!" "Smile." "david:" "Give us a smile." " Bye-bye!" " Bye!" "Bye, Beanie!" "kevin:" "See you!" "BEAN:" "Farewell!" "MAN ANNOUNCING ON PA:" "Do not leave your car unattended." " Unattended vehicles..." " Well, Beanie, it's been surreal." "I want you to know you can come back and visit anytime." " Yes." " In the fairly distant future." "(CHUCKLES)" "(STUTTERS) I know it sounds insane, but I'm really gonna miss you." "Okay." "Okay." "Okay." "Goodbye again." "(SNORTS)" "(PICTURE OF YOU playing)" "(THAT KINDA GUY playing)" "(HE'S A REBEL playing)" "Yes, I normally stay till the end as well." "Bye." "You can go now if you wish." "Dear me." "Bye."