"(♪ "African Culture" by Black Uhuru)" "All right?" "Hydroponic sensimilla, yeah?" "Colossally concentrated amounts of TCP." "So, I'm Nathan Barley." "You're watching Trashbat." "So what's new?" "For my latest monkey animation, click on "0ther SHIT"." "(♪ "Einstein A Go-Go" by Landscape)" "Click on "Diaree" to see my new phone." "It's also a camera." "It's also MP3 decks." "Been out for three weeks in Japan." "Where's yours?" "Click on "Pranks" to watch me evil Pingu's head with a lorry battery." "(♪ "Fight the Power" by Public Enemy)" "His trousers fall down." "There's, like, a piss stain on his pants." "Check it out, yeah?" "It is well bum." "Um..." "Well, this is Nathan Barley." "This is Trashbat." "Keep feeling fascination, yeah?" "Looking, learning." "Moving on." "Peace and fucking." "Believe." "All right, fucksticks." "Bum." "Keep it livid." "Keep it dense, yeah?" "Going dark." "Hold that, yeah?" "Check it out, yeah?" "Trashbat dot cock." "My website." "Never too late, yeah?" "Trashbat dot cock." "Check out the website, yeah?" "It's well fucking futile." "Nice one, my nigger." "Keep it chopped out, yeah?" "Textile Street, yeah?" "(Nathan) "The Rise of the Idiots" by Dan Ashcroft." ""0nce, the idiots were just the fools gawping in through the windows."" ""Now they've entered the building."" ""You can hear them everywhere."" ""They use the word 'cool'." "It is their favourite word."" ""The idiot doesn't think about what it is saying."" ""Thinking is rubbish." "And rubbish isn't cool."" ""Stuff and shit is cool."" "0h, Ashcroft." "Ashcroft." "(Dan) The idiots are self-regarding consumer slaves, oblivious to the paradox of their uniform individuality." "They sculpt their hair to casual perfection." "They wear their waistbands below their balls." "They babble into handheld twit machines about that cool email of the woman being bummed by a wolf." "Their cool friend made it." "He's an idiot, too." "(horns blare)" "Welcome to the age of stupidity." "Hail the rise of the idiot." "Dan Ashcroft." ""Rise of the Idiots"." "Awesome fucking opinions, dude." " Yeah." "Well plastic." " Yeah." "Laters." "Keep it foolish." "(mobile phone rings)" " Hey, sis." " What do you think of my proposal?" " Yeah." "Very good." " Which bit shall I start with?" " Uh... the best bit." " Which bit's that?" " 0h... the guy." " The guy?" " Yeah, him." " You didn't read it, did you?" "I did." "Well, what should I start my pitch with?" "The, um, guy." "(buzzer)" "Check it out, yeah?" "Trashbat dot cock." "Thanks." "My website." "Dot cock, yeah?" "Registered in the Cook Islands." " Hi." " Hi." "Hey, you're Dan Ashcroft, yeah?" "Yeah." "That piece on the rise of the idiots - awesome:" " Yeah?" "Thanks." " Totally sums up my credos, yeah." "All right, my nigger?" "Put these here." "Check it out." "There's some colossal bhangra shit going down, yeah?" " So, Dan Ashcroft." "Fuck." " Mm-hm." "Hang on." "Can I just?" "Give us your hands a sec." "It's for my website." "It's gonna be awesome." " Just do an ident." "That's it." " 0h, dear." "Don't." "0K." "Hold 'em up." "Hold out your hands." "0K." "This is Nathan Barley for Trashbat, with Dan Ashcroft." "Peace and fucking." "Believe." "0h, scratch ending." "Cool." "I do those all the time." "Have you seen these?" "Wasp T12." "It's got a massive number five cos it's the most common number." " What are you getting?" " Matches." "Nice one." "Futures, yeah." "Trashbat." "Hey, Dan." "Keep fucking the idiots, yeah?" " Yeah." " Hey-hey!" "Laters." " So what's your film about, exactly?" " The rejects of society." "The people we see every day, but ignore cos we're too busy listening to our iPods and thinking about kitchens." "Some of them are helping themselves." "I mean," "I've already filmed a choir of junkies." "They've beaten their addiction and written songs about it." " They've recorded this CD in Bootle." " That's good." "It's not really meant to be funny." "0h." "(♪ "Colour Me In" by Broadcast)" "Pingu." "Coffee!" "Top action." "Well slow." "It was empty." " What are you working on?" " It's the brain loading page." " It's good, yeah?" " Thanks." "Though my idea." "So, thanks." "Well-facilitated, but under the total guidance of..." "So, thanks again." " But I did..." " Coffee?" "Extra milk, double shot?" "Yes, please." "Don't think you should." "You're a bit jumpy." "So, how's the film going?" "I just told you." "He turned me down." "You couldn't even be arsed to read my proposal." " I did." " Yeah, right." " I'll get this." " Thanks." "Can I borrow a tenner?" "Did you read my piece about the idiots?" "Yeah." "Very good." "All right, spunkflake." "0h, God." "All right, you bum pilot." "Keep it dusty." " Don't look." " What?" " There's one over there." " (Nathan) Usual, please." "Dan." "Dan." "Twice in one day." "Well coincimental." "Yeah." " All right." " All right." " She's fit." " She is my sister." "Fit sisters are cool." " Claire Ashcroft." " Nathan Barley." "AKA as Trashbat." " Trashbat?" " Dot cock." "It's an online urban culture dispatch." " So, what does Claire Ashcroft do?" " I'm a filmmaker." "So am I. What kind of shit?" " Documentaries." " Not bad." "What music do you cut to?" " I'm sort of more looking at the story." " Yeah." "Stories are often part of it." " What edit gear have you got?" " Can't afford any." "You can use mine." "HQ's just round the corner." " What, have you got a facilities house?" " I'm a self-facilitating media node." "Fucking hell." " I'm really hard up at the moment." " Prob's neg." "Mine's free." "Wanna look round?" " Really?" " Yeah." "I just got to zap a chino." " Latte, no sugar." " Yeah, thanks." " No." " Bum." " When are you gonna fuck him?" " I'm looking round his office, Dan." " Yeah." "You're gonna fuck an idiot." " What is wrong with you?" "Coming, sister Claire?" " Futures, my nigger." " What are you doing?" "It's this old video - this comedian, Freddie Starr." "Sort of like the original Bill Hicks." "0h, dear." "(mobile phone rings)" "Who's this?" "Come on, chap." "It's Max Herbert." "You should log my number." "Weekend on Sunday magazine have just made me features editor." " Sellout." " "Rise of the Idiots", mate." "Genius." "Problem is your magazine's full of them." "Sellout." "Weekend on Sunday is totally where you should be, dude." " So what are you working on?" " What's on Michael Portillo's iPod." " Go away." " Look, the line's open." "No, it isn't." "(man) Sugar Ape!" "Dan Ashcroft." "(man) Dan Ashcroft!" "(buzzer)" " Morning, Dan." " Hm?" " Morning." " 0h, yeah." "Mr Gibbard called about the video club debt." "That's nice." "That's Max Herbert from Weekend on Sunday magazine." "He called again." "Twice." " That's not the new logo, is it?" " Mm-hm." " "Rape"?" " No, it's still Sugar Ape." "But the S-u-g-a is inside the r." " Very clever." " His choice." "You know he had the question mark added by deed poll?" "Max Herbert doesn't have a punctuated surname." "No, but he is a bit of a colon." "Ha ha." "Trash Industries." "Believe." "Wow." "Claire, this is Pingu, our animator." "Pingu, shake hands but don't touch." "Shake the woman's hand, mate." "Touched her." " How... how could I?" " So, what we got here?" "Renegade production node." "My desk." "AKA as main hub." "Chill-out zone." "Kitchen." " Do you need a laptop?" " Yeah." "This one suit you?" " Really?" " Yep." " God." "Thanks." " Desk." "Desk." "Do you desk?" "Sorry?" " Edit station seems to be available." " I can use?" "Sure." "If you pass the test." " What is the test?" " I don't know." "Daniel." ""Rise of the Idiots"." "0h, yeah." "I rate that easily the best thing I ever read." "What's the second-best thing you've ever read?" "Like, books and shit." " What books?" " Like, Heidi." " Is that a book?" " Yeah, I reckon." "The new logo." "Good reactions, et cetera?" " I rate it." " Yeah, cos it'll piss people off, yeah?" "They'll think they're getting pissed off by "rape"." "Except it's not even rape." "It's still "ape"." "So, yeah, so they're getting pissed off by "ape"." "(laughter)" "Ashcroft, you've been checking out Barley's website?" " No." " 0h, yeah, yeah." "He invented this game - Cock, Muff, Bumhole." "Nathan invented it on his website, yeah?" " Yeah, have you played it yet?" " No." "Watch this." "It's brilliant." "Watch this." "0h." "Muff smothers cock." "0h, your bumhole just farted up my muff." "It's Cock, Muff, Bumhole." "Genius." " I've seen idiots playing this, yeah." " That is funny, mate." "They don't realise it's not good cos it's rude, yeah?" "Yeah." "It's good cos it looks like it's good because it's rude." "Trashbat dot cock." "Everything made here spurts out through this pipe." "Hey, shall we show Claire what I did to you yesterday?" " I do these jokes on him." " 0h, right." "Latest one's online." "His trousers fall down and there's a piss stain on his pants." "Please don't." "Come on, it's hilarious." "He's a genius." "It makes me look stupid." "Agh!" "Agh!" "Agh!" "Your pants." "Ha, there's a piss stain on your pants." "Turn it off!" "That is well Jackson." "This is Pingu and Nathan Barley for Trashbat." "Peace and fucking." "Believe." "And he is going to get me back so badly one day." "Aren't you, mate?" "Yeah." "(pinball machines clanging)" "Hey, Dan." "Dan, yeah?" "You seen this one?" "Have you seen this on Barley's website?" "The car battery one?" "There's a piss stain on your pants." "There's a piss stain on your pants." "(Pingu) Turn it off!" "This is Pingu and Nathan Barley for Trashbat." "Peace and fucking." "Believe." "This is Nathan Barley for Trashbat with Dan Ashcroft." "Hey, he's got you on his site." "Yeah, well, I always rated Barley as the online Ashcroft." "Dan, quick round of Cock, Muff, Bumhole." "Come on, yeah?" "(phone rings)" "Ashcroft." "Max Herbert?" "Um..." "Yeah." " Really?" " Yeah." " Hi." " Are we talking now?" "Yep." "I just showed the editor your "Idiots" rant." "He's loving it." "Reckon he's gonna sack someone to give you a job." " You've got to come in." " Why not?" "Yeah." " Are you serious?" " Yeah." " About two o'clock?" " Great." " You are rocking the main stage, dude." " I'll see you then." "0h, mate." "Eight times in a row he just farted up my muff." "Quick round, yeah?" " Double-handed muff." "No way, man." " That's not allowed." " I'm going." " See you later, man." "No, I'm going going." "To The Weekend on Sunday." "Fuck off." "I'll take you out on my expense account." "That's a dip for the dark, isn't it?" "Bye, idiots." "Textile Street, Bottle Row." "Prime pissing posts of the Trashbat." " And why "Trashbat"?" " 0K, here's the credos." "Trash, as in what's all around us." "And bat." "Place." "Most highly creative node in Britain." "Pretty much an extension of Trash Industries." "Eight screening rooms, five recording studios, and a weekly juice market." " All right, Toe-job." " All right." "This is Claire Ashcroft." "My flatmate Toby." "Chief hubster at Place." " Hi, Toby." " 0h, hi." " Is that Doug Rocket?" " Mr Doug Rocket to me, yeah." " He set up Place." " Yeah." "You know his stuff?" " The Veryphonics." " Ruddy genius." "0nly band to knock themselves off the top of the charts with the same record." " How?" " I don't know." "It was in France." "Anytime you wanna use any of the facilidados here," " I can fix that." " Wow." " Future's, cum flannel." " Yeah, you pair of towels." "Dan Ashcroft." "Mate." "At last." "I mean, I've been calling you for what, four years?" "What took you so long?" "Dunno." " Ah, here's Geoff." " Geoff?" "Moss." "Editor." "Man who's gonna give you the job." " Hey." " Geoff, this is the man, the Danster." " Dan Ashcroft." "Geoff Moss." " He's been singing your praises." " That's just a soft sell." " So..." "Sugar Ape?" "0bviously our readers are a bit older." "They're 30-something, aspirational." "It's, you know, Sunday supplement kind of stuff, but..." "That's what we are." "Maybe you could help us get a bit cooler." "0K." "Yeah." "So, hit me." " Hm?" " Couple of features ideas." " Um..." "Ideas?" " Yep." " Go on, whack us some Ashcroft." " I didn't... bring any today." "I didn't know we were going to have to do that." "He's just come straight off the last job." "Up all night." "Real focus, eh, mate?" "Yeah." "Right." "Motoring." "We're revamping that." "Got any new ideas for that?" "Do you drive?" "Yeah, I don't drive, but I like cars." "I like 'em." "I think they're great." "I like their wheels." "Some of those wheels they've got now." "Taxi man." "Modern." "Urban living." "Uh-huh." "You go out a lot?" "Yeah." "This is Mr Nightlife." "Mr Never-Not-0ut." "Right." "0K." "0K." "Fantastic." " Do you eat out much?" " Yes." " Where was the last place you went?" " Um..." "Just, um, to..." " Regime." " You're kidding?" " Do you eat there?" " Yeah. (laughs)" " What did you think?" " Yeah." "It's all right." "Wasn't as good as I thought it could have been, but it was all right." "It was 0K." "Yeah." "The wine was good." "Liked that." " It's got an excellent cellar." " Yeah." "Yeah, that was good." " Do you know about wine?" " Yes." "Fantastic." "We've got a gap there, haven't we?" "Almost exactly Ashcroft-shaped." "So you could write us a wine column." "All right." "0K." "Fantastic." " Mezzobrow." " 0K." "Sounds good." "Let's say your top five supermarket wines." " 0K." "Top five?" " Mm-hm." "Seven quid a bottle?" "All right." "Yeah." " Top five." " Yeah." " Top five." " French." "Italian." "Spanish." "Dutch." "And..." "French..." "Southern French." "Um..." " French and... and Southern French?" " Yeah." "Um..." " Yeah, just the labels." " Danish." " The château." " Yeah." "The côte." "Eau de Côte..." "Châteauneuf..." "Any of the Papes." "'97 through... to '81." "(Dan) Yeah." "Cos, um..." "Is that all right?" "Um..." "I... don't..." "I don't wanna go back." "Um..." "Cos they're idiots." "So..." "And they ride around on little plastic tractors, so..." "Please." "(man) "Sugar Ape"." "Who's that?" " Dan Ashcroft." " Dan Ashcroft?" "Whoo-oop!" "(buzzer)" "(sighs)" "Hey, it's Ashcroft." "I thought you'd gone." " To The Weekend on Sunday?" " Did you go?" " Yep." " Not for a job?" "No." "What?" "You mean, like, you went for a joke?" " Yep." " To take the piss?" "Mmhm." "Are you gonna write an article about it?" " They're gonna be well livid." " Hey!" "Ashcroft's gonna call The Weekend on Sunday a bunch of fuckzips." "0h, yeah." "Trojan measure, mate." "Trojan measure." "Powerful scam, yeah." "Pub, et cetera?" "A nice glass of Dutch wine?" "Hey, Dan." "Quick round of Cock, Muff, Bumhole." "Come on, yeah?" "I'll be well proud to guff on Ashcroft!" "First to seven, yeah?" "0ne from the Ashcroft." "What are you doing, Ashcroft?" "You're going down." " 0h!" " Best guff of the muff." " 0h." "Four-two." " That's a muff." "Yeah." "Whoo!" "Yes!" "Die!" "What are you doing?" "Playing, uh, Cock, Muff, Bumhole." " Don't the idiots play that?" " Yep." "Visiontext Subtitles:" "Simon Campbell"