"ONE DAY IN THE VALLEY" "Why, Ari, why?" " I'm in bed, E. Talk dirty to me." " It's 5:00 in the morning." " What are you wearing?" " Fuck you." "I love it when you say "fuck." Say it again." "Come on, E. It's game day, buddy." "Wake up." "This is our tradition." "Only this time we're playing for keeps." "No Pixar squirrel is going to stop us." "It's number one or bust, kid." " You sound confident." " Not a worry in the world." "So what are we hoping for?" "$95 mil is what they're projecting." " And what's good?" " $95 mil, Eric." "That would be good." "Expectations: you beat 'em by a dollar-- life is great;" "Under by a dollar-- put a gun in your mouth and make sure I'm standing behind you." "Okay, keep in touch, Ari." "Game day, baby." "No go, no go." "You'll talk dirty to E..." "Come on." " It's been three weeks." " I know, I know." "Just after we open, baby." "Then we're all good." "And if we don't open?" ""If we don't open?" What-- no, no, no." ""If we don't open?" What do you mean by that?" "Would you say that to a fighter on the morning of a bout?" ""Maybe you'll get knocked out." ""See you after the fight if you're not in a coma"?" "Don't jinx this, baby." "Not today." "Three soft-boiled eggs, boiled chicken, wheat toast with jam." "It's not a signature Johnny Drama breakfast but there's nothing there to upset your stomach." "Thanks, Johnny, but I'm not stressed." "You're hiding it, bro." "This is a big one." "You may not know you're stressed but trust me, you are stressed." "Moviefone says there's at 2:30 in Northridge." "The Valley?" "What, are you crazy?" "It's gonna reach 100° in the city today." "Vince wants to go to an out-of-the-way place." "Vince, you know my policy-- except for work," "I only go to the Valley November through March." "And even then-- only the sushi row." "Come on, Johnny, go for me." "I'd better hydrate." "So what do you think we're gonna open at, vin?" " Oh, God." " Come on." "I don't play this game." "Come on, let's just fuck around a little." "Pick a number." " Stop freaking him out, Turtle." " I'm not freaking out." "I know we're gonna open." "It's a foregone conclusion." " I'm not worried about it." " So pick a number." "Okay." "$50 million." "Huh?" " Would that be good?" " That would be terrible, Vince." " Really?" " This movie opens at $50 million, we're all working at Del Taco come Monday." " So what do we need?" " The studio's projecting 95." "95?" "Nice." "Fuck 95." "I got a little projection of my own." "$114,844,117." " How is that?" " $1 more than "Spider-Man" made." "We do any less than that I'll personally consider the movie a flop." "You're an idiot, Turtle. "Spider-Man" is the biggest movie opening ever." "Plus Spider-Man had a much bigger fan base than Aquaman to begin with." "Can't happen." "We got James Cameron." "And those eyes." "It can happen." "You think we got a shot to topple Spidey, E?" "Let's just topple 95, huh, guys?" "I'll tell you what:" "if we do beat "Spider-Man"" "y'all are getting something sick." "Know that." " How sick?" " What do you mean by "sick"?" "It's not even 10:00 A.M. and it's burning up out there." "I know." "My widget says it's 96° already." "What the fuck's a widget?" "Why are you sitting like that?" "Seriously, what, are you wearing a butt plug?" "No." "I brought you this for luck on the opening today." "What is this, a little Tae Bo instructor?" "That is an authentic 12th century Yong Shi warrior, Ari." "He's the Mongolian symbol of strength." "If you carry him, you cannot be stopped." "This is Hollywood, Lloyd." "The only thing Mongolian is barbeque," " but thanks." "I'll take what I can get." " Oh, and..." "I got you in with Dr. Marcus at 4:30." "Dr. Marcus?" "Um, yeah." "Your wife called and said she needed an emergency session." "Fuck, Lloyd, why didn't you just tell her that I didn't have time?" " Because you do have time." " Why didn't you lie?" "Cause I'm scared of your wife, Ari." "Yeah, me too." "Maybe if I rub this little guy's balls she'll disappear." "We're going to the Valley, Drama, not the Sahara." "Hey, don't kid yourself, E. North of Ventura Boulevard is hell's waiting room." "Be prepared." "If you keep drinking we're gonna have to stop every 20' for you to take a leak." "That's what the empties are for." "Don't even think about pulling your dick out in my car, Drama." " Hey, Ari." " "Aquaman" is making waves, pal." "The first east coast numbers are in." "They're projecting $100 mil." "Oh, that is great news." "The movie gods are smiling on us today." "Well, it's still early." "We could do better, right?" "I thought I was greedy." "Listen, the over-and-under is 95." "We hit 100-- I got wood." "I'm just saying." "I mean, "Spider-Man" did what, 114?" " Is there any way we can beat that?" " "Spider-Man"?" "Who-- who's said anything about "Spider-Man"?" "Eric... tell me that Vinnie doesn't think that we're gonna beat the biggest opening in movie history." "I'll tell you what:" "manage your client's expectations." "Do your job." "Thank you for ruining my day." "Ari?" "We all good?" "I thought you're not worried about that stuff." "I'm not." "In fact, I don't wanna know anything till it's official." " Can't we know?" " Let's roll." "103..." " My God." " 104!" " Unbelievable." " Shit." " 105." " Eat that, Drama." " This is inhuman." " Yeah, I guess it's true what they say." "The heat really does affect the elderly." "Yeah, seriously, Drama, 'cause I haven't seen somebody sweat like that since Patrick Ewing retired." "Great mother of God." "Fuck." "Dude, we got a monster, Vince." "It's one theater." "Don't get crazy." "How are we gonna get seats?" "Who are you talking to?" "There's four taped off for us in the back as we speak." "And all it cost us... was a signed copy of the new Aquaman game." "Nice job, Turtle." "I'm making a run for cooler pastures." "What do you think?" "Oh, they're loving it." "Wait till they get a load of the end of this scene." "Jesus Christ, where's this jerkoff going?" "Hey, pal-- you wanna sit down?" "You're about to miss the best part of the whole movie." "I have to use the bathroom." "Sit down." "I dropped my monkey!" "No, come back!" "Here it comes!" "What the fuck?" "Shit, the projector must have gone out." "It's not just the projector." "We lost the central air." "...waiting for this movie two hours!" "Ahem, sorry, folks." "It's a blackout." "Um, please calmly file into the lobby and we'll refund your money." "Whoa, whoa." "Refund their money?" "They already saw half the movie." "Fuck that." "Shut the fuck up!" "Give them some free popcorn or something." "Holy crap!" "Aquaman!" "Dude, what are you doing here?" "Just checking out the movie like you guys." "Oh, but who's guarding the throne of Poseidonis?" "It's about to be a madhouse in here." " I'm gonna go get the car, all right?" " Fire up the AC." "The movie is great, Vince." "We caught the 10:00 A.M. showing too." "That harpoon fight was badass." "Did you hear that, E?" "They thought I was badass." " I heard." " Hey, so Vince, let me ask you-- was that seahorse you rode animatronic or computer generated?" " E?" " Animatronic." " Animatronic." " Yes!" "You owe me $20." "That is him!" " Oh my God!" " Can I have your autograph, Vince?" "Whoo!" "We made it." "Now let's get back to civilization." "Please." "I begged you to take the 101, but you had to take the canyon." " It's more scenic." " Just get me home, please." "All the lights are out, Drama." "What would you like me to do?" "You know, it looks like the whole area is blacked out." "I'm gonna call Ari." "Hey, I was just dialing you." "Hey." "That must mean that we're destined to be in love." "Yeah." "You're having a blackout over there too?" "I haven't had a blackout since I took four quaaludes" "And forgot I fucked Chantal Lautenberg." "Why?" "Cause we're in Northridge." "The whole area is blacked out." " Is this gonna affect the numbers?" " I didn't even know that Northridge survived the '94 quake, E." "Don't worry about that." "Listen, you with Vinnie?" "Yeah." "Okay, be very cool." "Do not get him excited, but the first west coast numbers are in," " and they're big." " Go on." " Eight-legs big, bitch." " Get the fuck out of here." "The webcrawler is in our sights, Eric, and I want to squash that fucker!" "So do I, Ari." "All right, thanks." "What?" "Nothing." "Fuck you, "nothing." What is it?" "Nothing until it's official, right, Vince?" "Fuck official." "I don't want you to know anything I don't." " Is it "Spider-Man"?" " Spidey, E?" " Say something, dick." " E, speak now or I'm throwing you out of the car." ""Spider-Man" is in our sights." "Yes!" "Whoo-hoo-hoo!" " Yes!" " I knew it!" "Fuck you, Tobey!" " It's not definite though, Vince." " Yeah, no, I know." "That's cool." "Let's go buy some toys anyway to celebrate." " Yes." " I know a place." "But not in the Valley, right?" "They got toys in the city, Vince." "How do you know this area, Turtle?" "Best rub-and-tug in California used to be next door." "Yeah, they probably moved to Santa Monica where it's cool." "There she is." "Ducatis." "Sweet." "This is the one for me, Vince, the fastest production bike on the road." "It's yours." "E?" "I appreciate it, Vince, but I'm not a motorcycle guy, and I'm not gonna take a gift just to take one." "You neither, Johnny?" "You know I hate rice rockets, Vince." "Ducati's Italian, Drama." "Yeah, well, regardless it's still a foreign job." "I'm a Harley man." "Yeah, didn't you have one when you first came out here?" "Yeah, I had to hock it to Michael Madsen after a couple of bleak pilot seasons." "God, I loved that bike." "Why don't we go over there tomorrow" " and make him an offer he can't refuse?" " You serious?" "God, you're a fucking prince, bro." "You know, he's also got a watch of mine." "Mr. Chase, have you decided yet?" "Yes, we have." "We'll take four of these." "Maybe you guys will grow to love 'em." "Not again." "So when is the last time you had sex?" "With each other or...?" "If you're not gonna take this seriously, Ari" "I'm taking it seriously." "It's just for the money we're spending here I could get you a pro to service your even most bizarre fetishes." "Okay, you see?" "This is what I'm dealing with." " Come on." " Don't." " It's Vince." " Ari don't you feel that a lacking sexual relationship is a big problem in a marriage?" "Oh, I do, doc, but we fuck more than any other married couple you know." "And I know this because whenever we go out with another married couple and the subject comes up they always say, "I can't believe how often you guys fuck."" " It's Vince, baby." " I don't give a fuck." "Okay-- you know, uh, after the year that I've had and on the most important day of my life you'd think that she would ask me what I wanted, you know?" "A nice blowjob, perhaps, where I could just sit back for the first time in nine months and do nothing but admire the top of her head and pray that this fucking movie opens so I can stop selling off assets" "like we're fucking Michael Jackson." "Now I have to answer the fucking batphone when it rings three fucking times and it's fucking Vince, okay?" "So..." " Eric, speak." " Ari-- there's been another blackout in a different part of the Valley." "You need a fucking night-light or something?" "Get back over the hill, okay?" "And don't call me back unless" "Fuck me." " What's going on, Ari?" " I'm gonna call you back." "Can we prorate this session, please?" " He's gonna call us back." " Anything to worry about?" " Hey, Aquaman." " Oh, great." "We're being stalked by devo." " This isn't a coincidence, is it?" " No, we followed you." " Replenish." " We, uh, wanted to know if you guys wanted to come to a party." "It's our big graduation bash." "High school party?" "Sorry, kid, we don't go to the parties where the girls ain't legal." "Although we do like 'em barely legal." "Come on, Vince, come with us." "It'll be like "Almost Famous."" " Hey, I like that movie." " Vince, I'm burning up out here." "Another hour and my kidneys may shut down." "They've got a pool." " Really?" " Yeah, it'll be great." "And it'll be a lot easier to get in with you there, Vince." "So that's it?" "You guys need Vince to get you into the party." "What are you laughing at, Turtle?" "You still can't get into teddy's without Vince." "Do you wanna go?" "Fuck it." "It's gonna take hours to get home anyway, right?" "So you'll come?" " Yeah, we'll come." " All right!" "Aquaman to the rescue!" " Hey, girl." " Hey!" "Did kids look this young when we went to high school?" " In Drama's eighth year they did, yes." " Six years, assholes." "Ad just like I did for these maggots I'm gonna do for you guys." "Someone gives you guys a hard time about being here" "Johnny Drama's got your back." "Thanks." "There are some really tough kids at this school." "Come on, I'm from New York." "Who the fuck let nerds in my house?" " Here we go." " Jesus..." "Drama's gonna get his ass kicked by a 16-year-old." " Hey, Kessler." " Who let you losers in?" " These guys are with us." " Yeah?" "Who the fuck are you?" "Uh, he's my brother." "Sorry, we were just passing by, we saw the party, we figured we'd drop in." "Whoa, whoa, holy shit." "You're Vince Chase." "You're with these two?" "Jay and Reggie?" "Yeah, they're my cousins." "But hey, it's cool." "We'll find another party." "Oh, no, no, no, no." "No, you stay." "Reggie and Jay, stay." "This old guy, he can stay too." "Uh, you need a beer, Vince?" "That'd be good." "Thanks." "Holy shit, Vince Chase." "Hey everyone, fuckin' Aquaman is at my house!" "Give me something good, Ari." "There's nothing good at all, E. Nothing good." " Why?" "What's happening?" " There are massive rolling blackouts from the heat." "They're hitting the whole fucking coast from San Francisco down to San Diego." "Shit." "Well, I guess we can kiss "Spider-Man" goodbye." "Forget "Spider-Man." I just named two of the most populated cities in the whole fucking country." " So what does that mean, Ari?" " It means that we are fucked." "We took a massive hit on the midday numbers and now they are projecting 85." "Jesus Christ." "What am I gonna tell Vince?" "Same thing you've been telling him all day-- nothing!" "Keep your mouth shut until it's official." "Yeah, when's that gonna be?" "It's gonna be in a few hours, all right?" "I want you to email me your address and I will come and tell him with you, all right?" "Lloyd!" "What happened to the music?" "It's a blackout, baby!" "Into the pool!" "Yeah, our moms say Reggie looked exactly like I did when I was his age." "You don't see it?" " A little, I guess." " And you're related to Jay too?" "Oh, we're practically like brothers." "You girls should take care of these two." "I'm gonna get a drink." "You want anything?" "All good, Vince." " Good to hear it, Reggie." " Jay." "Ha-ha!" "Life is good, huh?" "Any word?" " No, nothing official." " What does that mean?" "How is this possible?" "An hour ago we're the biggest opening ever" " and now we're a disaster?" " Yeah, well, fucking blackouts." "Fucking blackouts." "See, this is why I don't like to get caught up in this shit." "You shouldn't let me get caught up in it, E." " Vince, come on." " I know, I know." "I asked." "I'm sorry, buddy." "Yeah." "Look at these kids." "This used to be us." "Remember how we used to talk about coming out to Hollywood?" " It wasn't about money." " No, it wasn't." "Fuck it." "We're not gonna let this town make it about money now." " Let's get hammered." " With 17-year-olds?" " We'll make their night." " All right." "Blackouts?" "Fucking blackouts?" "Thank you very much!" "The town will understand, Ari." "It's not the movie's fault." "Baby, it wasn't the Cubs' fault when that douche bag grabbed the foul ball either, but they still don't get a World Series ring." "There are no asterisks in this life, only scoreboards, and ours is currently reading "fucked."" "Well, there's nothing you can do about it now, so why don't you sit down and relax?" "Baby, I can't relax until I tell Vinnie." "I gotta go to the Valley." "After the call." "And who knows when that will be?" "Baby, isn't it a little convenient that the kids are at your mother's?" "Ari, I've been patient, but now whatever happens is totally out of your control." "So let's go upstairs." "Fine, but I'm not gonna like it." "Oh really?" "All right, I may like it just a little bit." "Baby, I don't want you to hear this." "I could cry." "I have to go to the Valley." "I promise you when I get back, no matter what, we're gonna dent that headboard." "No bullshit." "I guarantee you you will not walk right tomorrow." "Tell me something good." "Vince, Vince, Vince, Vince!" " So you work with Vince?" " Yep." " Is it fun?" " Yep." "You don't talk much, huh?" "Not to high school girls, sweetheart." "No offense." "I'm not in high school." "This is my little brother's party." "I'm just chaperoning." "Ew." "That was a real creepy turn." "You may have a couple pounds on me but nothing outweighs experience." "You ready?" "Are you ready?" "Hey, everybody!" "Do you know how good your lives are right now?" "Yeah!" "My boys are here from high school and we wish we could be back living like this!" "Yeah!" "What the fuck is he doing?" "He wanted his "Almost Famous" moment." "I told you not to tell him anything until it was official." "Aw, what the fuck is the difference, Ari?" "Hey, Vinnie!" "Ari is in the Valley?" "Holy shit, we really must be fucked, huh?" "What are they projecting now?" "45, Ari?" " 116, actually." " What?" " 116, kid!" " How's that possible?" "You guys ever hear of a hanging chad?" "Where the fuck am I?" "Listen, the biggest thing the blackouts affected were the actual reporting of the numbers." " We beat "Spider-Man"?" " Well, it's only Friday, but if there isn't a tornado in the Midwest" "I think we've got a good goddamn shot, my friend." "Hey, everybody, you've got the biggest movie star on the planet on your roof right now." "It's all you, baby!" " Number one, baby." " Yeah!" "Do it!" "So whose dad is this?" "I don't know." "Why don't you throw him in the pool?" "Fuck you, "throw me in the pool."" "Hey, Kong, go get us some beers." " Put him in!" "Put him in!" " Go, go!" "Hey, you little fuck, these are $900 shoes!" "Okay, you guys are not gonna believe this!" "Those two girls you introduced us to?" "The most untouchable girls in school." "But guess what" "They like you." "They wanna hang in my basement." "Basement!" "Nice!" "The only problem is, we can't all fit on the Vespa." "You can't roll chicks in a Vespa, bro." "Well, we were hoping maybe you could give us a lift." " A lift?" " Yeah, right." "I can't do that." "But what I can do is this:" "Turtle, give our new best friends" " the keys to the Mas'." " There you go." "Oh, that is so cool!" "You're lending us your car?" " My car." " How do we get it back to you?" "You don't." "You return it to the Beverly Hills Maserati dealership." "Your lease ends at the end of August." " No way." " Holy shit." "That was actually refreshing, but I have to go home to hammer the wife." "Give us a lift." "Anything to keep me away from my house." "Come on, bro." "We out." "Yeah, the Valley ain't so bad."