"ANNOUNCER (O.S.):" "Ladies and gentlemen, your hosts, Jonah Ray and Kumail Nanjiani!" "So we were talking, and we figured out that the thing that... does best on Comedy Central right now is the roasts." "Everyone loves a roast." "Jonah and I decided we're gonna roast each other." "Which I wasn't too stoked on... because my life is basically a roast." "No, but it's fun." "It comes from a place of love." "Feels like a bad idea for my self-esteem, but I'm game, because it's TV." "Yeah, all right, Jonah." "Jonah Ray is here tonight." "Jonah is the only example of a moustache making someone looklessmanly." "Oh-ho." "Okay." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "You got it." "You got it." "Right?" "Funny, okay." "Okay, okay, yeah, yeah." "Okay, okay." "Hey, Jonah, you dress like a kid that got struck by lightning... that turned him into an adult suddenly." "Jonah started his own comedy record label." "An admirable feat for someone 50 years ago." "Good luck!" "I hope you sign George Carlin." "It's fun, right?" "It's not fun." "All right, roast me, roast me." "It'll be fun, just roast me." "Okay." "Kumail is here, everybody, Kumail Nanjiani." "A lot of people say he's a huge, arrogant asshole who thinks it's okay to hurt his friends." "They're right!" "Kumail is so vain..." "How vain is he?" "He's so vain, that he doesn't think of others ever." "That's not really a roast" "Let me tell you, he's so cheap, but he's also hurtful... and owes me an apology." "While we all know Kumail goes to the gym to work on his body a lot... but he should work on his heart and his acceptance towards other people." "These aren't roast jokes." "Can I" " I'll show you how it's done." "Jonah is here, everybody." "Jonah Ray is here." "Jonah is such a hipster, he can't jerk off unless it's into a Mason jar." "See to-- Kumail's here, everybody!" "Kumail Nanjiani." "Give it up for Kumail." "Okay, all right." "Kumail loves his wife Emily so much, but apparently everyone else is garbage!" "Kumail Nanjiani's here, everybody." "I would say, Jonah" "Let's hear it for Kumail!" "Kumail's here!" "Everybody, Kumail, give it up for Kumail!" "Kumail Nanjiani is here, and it's like I don't even matter." "I would say you gotta keep your feelings out of it." "I'm just doing roast jokes." "Sometimes the truth is funny." "Don't be nervous, dude." "It's just TV." "Not everyone's gonna see it." "Like, no-- the people back home who are like putting all their hopes on you." "Yeah, everyone's ridin'-- the whole city of Seattle... is riding on me." "Hey, since we're all like friends and stuff, I want to, uh" "Y'all really think Bill Cosby did that shit?" "Listen, I don't care either way, I would go over Uncle Phil." "I'm just trying to figure out where you guys are at with this whole thing." "My whole problem with the Bill Cosby case is..." "I remember when there were like 27 alleg-- other than the rape, of course, but" "I remember when there was like 27 allegations against him." "A bunch of misogynistic dudes were like..." ""He probably didn't rape all 27 of them."" "He probably only got like six." "You know how bitches be lyin', tryin' to get money" "Blah-blah-blah" "Okay, with that logic, maybe he didn't rape 27 women." "But with that logic, that means he still raped six women, brah." "Six for 27 ain't good numbers, but they're still Kobe numbers, you know what I'm saying?" "Numbers are on the board is the problem." "This is great, man." "I didn't like Black History Month." "I've been thinking, we should just be a part of the culture." "You shouldn't just subsection us off to this little part where we get the" "And I didn't get shit in the mail." "Right?" "I didn't even get anything." "What?" "At best, in Black History Month, everyone in school has to read Langston Hughes poems." "Google's homepage uses black people as the letters." "You know what I'm talking about?" "Where it's the "G" and the "O" and the "E"s... always a niggah on a trumpet." "Bah-bah-bah-bah... bah-bah, bah-bah, unh-unh, unh-unh, unh..." "It's not my reparations, dawg." "Herpes ain't that bad." "It doesn't kill you, which is very nice of herpes." "Good lookin' out." "Herpes is just physical regret." "It's just regret you can feel." "Herpes is-- herpes is like..." ""Remember that time you fucked up?" "Well, you will forever."" "That's exactly what herpes-- just reminds you of the negat-- or that positive moment." "You can get herpes from something positive." "Like, is herpes that bad, if you get it from Beyonce?" "You know what I'm saying?" "You're with your friend, like..." ""Ow, my herpes is enflamed." He's like, "Ew, you got herpes?"" ""Yeah, from that time I fucked Beyonce."" "You broke even, dawg, I'll tell you that." "Here, sit down." "Ah, sh" "What?" "I got goosed!" "Can you believe I did that?" "Can you believe I did that?" "I got goosed!" "You can goose me at anytime." "Goose me anytime you want." "I've had too much wine." "I didn't drink for a whole week, because I've been like" "I had the flu and strep throat." "So you decided to just hop right into a full bottle right before TV?" "Is it out?" "Are you" "I like" " I like females." "They're cool, good job, you guys got pussies and shit." "You ever hear a black dude say "females"?" "He gets all deep and philosophical about that shit?" ""Hey, listen, brother, a female is like a wishing well, right?" ""And we the wisherers, my niggah, and the coin's the trust..." ""and the water inside her well is her beauty." ""So the only way to obtain her beauty is by giving her our trust."" "I'm like, "What are you talking about?"" ""She had a fat ass."" "Well, just say that shit then!" "Damn, Maya Angelou!" "Hey!" "Eyes not on her eyes!" "He's been doing this bit all night." "Now this is-- Eyes off her eyes!" "Guys, this is-- She's up here!" "This is from the" "This is from the Illumi-naughty selection." "Now you kiss Jonah." "I don't want to put a label on it, but what is this?" "What are we doing?" "We're just having fun." "I'm in it for, like, whatever, it's okay." "Let's just have fun." "What's funny about you?" "Race." "Height." "What's funny about me?" "Right." "White, tall..." "Hair color." "Oh, Jesus, none of this-- Very powerful." "Oh, wow." "Very powerful man." "Everything handed to you." "Everything handed to me." "Silver platter." "Most of this is all set up for me to succeed." "Oh, my god." "People believe me when I lie." "Okay, your parents were" "Totally together, really happy marriage." "You're alone, oh, you're alone." "Then never alone, never really given a chance to think about my own mortality." "Really just cruise through life." "But you're terrible at relationships." "Ah, god, you know, I've had like, you know, a 13-year relationship... a four-year relationship, and now I'm married, you know, so, no." "But you're struggling to make ends meet and like just really" "I'm doing really well now." "I know what you guys are thinking, obviously..." ""Look at this big man on campus."" "What a fucking narcissist and egotist." "Come up here and just take all your applause and eat it up... like it feeds my soul." "But, guys, I'm just like you." "Every night, I go home... and I think about the fact that we're all gonna die." "And then I'll have a real, sad snack." "And I'll just read tweets that I wrote that nobody liked." "Got a sad snack here with me tonight." "This is the saddest snack in the world." "And it's warm from being in my pocket for 25 minutes." "These are tweets that nobody favorited." "Nobody responded to them and no one, no one retweeted them." "My new children's book, IBM, You BM, We All BM... about a pooping computer... was deemed too dumb to exist by the New York Times." "Don't clap for that!" "Tangerines!" "For when an orange is just too much." "Benjamin Franklin invented BBQ." "But back then, it stood for..." "Ben's Been Quookin'." "Was the inventor of lip balm just like..." "I love ChapStick, but how can I get my dirty fingers involved?" "[JONAH] But what if you just need to say 100?" "[KUMAIL] Okay, all right." "Okay, one hundo." "So you never say hundred?" "You only say hundo?" "Yeah." "How many people did the terrorists kill in Kenya yesterday?" "A couple hundo." "[JONAH] Goddamn it!" "A couple hundo were killed in a terrorist bombing." "My name's Nigel Cheesesteak, BBC News, Sierra Leone." "I've had a dream since I was 12-years-old." "When I first saw the movie Police Academy... and I saw that man who does the sounds effects and I said..." ""That is what I want to do with my life."" "But I let that dream die." "But I've been training with a vocal coach for the past six months... and I'm now very excited to premiere a piece..." "I like to call Well That Sounds Like My Day." "First I wake up, and I brush my teeth." "Now it's time to go to work!" "Meow-meow-meow-meow-meow." "Meow-meow, meow-meow-meow-meow-meow." "What's wrong?" "Better check the oil!" "The oil's fine!" "Meow-meow-meow-meow." "There we go." "Ah, now I'm at work." "Time to turn my computer on." "Ooh, looks like I've got mail." "You've got mail." "Telephone's ringing." "Hello?" "Bah-rah-bah-rah-rah." "Mom!" "I gotta go." "I gotta go eat lunch, Mom." "Needles, needles, needles, needles." "Needles, needles, needles, needles." "Time to print something." "I hate this stupid printer!" "Crunch and munch!" "Crunch and munch!" "Crunch and munch!" "The printer always screws up!" "Oh, no, here comes my boss." "I hate talking to my boss." "He's always like" "Oh, shut up, boss!" "Now it's time to go home." "Meow-meow-meow-meow-meow." "Time to roll down the window." "Malibu!" "Malibu!" "Ah!" "Now I'm home and time to rest my head." "( SHRIEKING )" "And that's my day, ladies and gentlemen." "We just had a special guest drop in." "Yeah." "Please welcome to the stage, my friend from the HBO show Silicon Valley." "Please welcome Thomas Middleditch!" "Thomas Middleditch, everybody." "Hey!" "Hey." "I get the middle?" "Thomas, I've known him many years." "But your parents are like full-on British." "They are, they are." "They talk full British." "No apologies." "Do an impression of your dad." "Okay, he would say, from time to time, "Ah, hands off your penis, Thom."" "'Cause you know, as a little boy, not everybody does it, but I was one of them... that just, you know, held it." "You know, just sort of pinched it and grabbed it... and just sort of like walked around like, "What are you guys doing?"" "You do other characters, too, Thomas, not just your dad." "What about uh, like the-- the Asian guy who owns the store?" "I will not do Asian guy who owns the store." "There's a-- there's a-- we're-- there's a" "I found out that-- here is a way that you can do" "For me, who loves doing voices and accents and stuff." "He just does voices the way" "I goof around, no offense." "But if there's a baby in China, nothing's offensive... up until this point." "And nothing will be, because the baby happens to be white." "He gets taken in by traditional Chinese parents." "Yeah." "He is raised as a Chinese citizen." "But he's white, like you." "But he happens to be white!" "So he looks like me..." "ESL, English as a Second Language." "Because he's raised in China." "He's raised in China." "And now he talk like this." "So there's no point in getting offended, because" "You're white." "I-- because I'm white." "And I talk like this, so don't worry." "Now you don't have to be offended." "Ev-- even though you should be offended, because..." "You're the one that is so stupid, and" "Now-- now egg all over your face, because you thought I was being rude... but no, no, no, you are the rude one." "Okay, all right." "Egg?" "Yeah." "What are your favorite foods?" "Rice." "It's a staple!" "I love everything on rice." "Everything on noodle." "What's wrong with you?" "Can you sing your favorite Chinese song?" "I love to." "Okay, okay, this is a Szechuan classic, old, traditional Chinese song." "Of course, yeah, thank you." "I am so nervous right now." "Okay, okay, listen up." "Don't disrespect, fat boy." "Because honestly, you tried to be in entertainment... you come up, you're so fat, it's embarrassing." "All your parent, they look at you, they say, "Why?"" "Don't make the face." "Make no face." "What face am I making?" "Some sort of face." "Oh, you embarrass yourself, all day." "You can't go asleep without embarrassing yourself." "Even in your dream, you embarrass your show-- yourself." "You're like a fat, lazy dog." "Who-- he smelled a nice smell in his sleep, but he don't get up." "Ugh, fat dog." "Okay, okay, okay." "Oh, shit." "Shirt done-- All right!" "Ho-- hold on!" "Wait, wait, wait!" "Hold on, real quick!" "I just" "Oh, my god, so insensitive." "What is" "Why?" "I know." "Here's" "Why?" "I'm born-- I'm born there!" "He sound like he from Pakistan." "Yeah, he is... he is, yeah." "Yeah, but he want to eat a big, American burger." "Yeah, so do I. What's wrong withthis?" "I can name 100 things." "Is it too much to just go out and ask people what kind of pussy they got?" "No, it's not too much and you should start off with that." "Open with that." "That's right, turn this motherfucker up, because I wrote this song for you, bitch." "Hold this." "You ever seen a pussy before?" "Bullshit!" "I said-- Who needs Tinder? Ssh." "What-- what I gotta do?" "Where's Jonah?" "Where's Jonah? Brody! That's right! Ssh." "Meltdown!" "Thank you, to my friend Kumail." "Thank you, to my co-worker Jonah." "Thank you, to my best friend, Kumail!" "Thank you, to my comedy partner for right now, Jonah Ray." "I want to thank the light of my life, Kumail Nanjiani, everybody!" "[KUMAIL] Thank you, Jonah, the guy who's my ride home." "This is a song for Jon Snow and..." "Egret?" "Egret." "Egret."