"What is Friendface ?" "Friendface is a great new site for meeting people." "How does it work?" "Friendface works along the same principle as a cold or a plague, but it's not disgusting germs that Friendface spreads, it's friendship." "Each Friendface page is like a petri dish filled with friendship germs." "When you stick your face into the dish, you may come away with millions of people attached to your face!" "That's right, it's basically a diseased face of friendship!" "Just sign up with Friendface, by giving us all of your personal information, and we'll provide a web page where you can meet new friends, catch up with old ones, and maybe find that special someone." "Don't think about germs now, that analogy's over." "Now it's just love and companionship, and everything's fine." "We own everything you put on Friendface, it says so in the terms and agreements, but don't worry, we won't use it to do anything bad, we promise." "Just think about love and companionship and everything's fine." "Friendface." "Friendface." "FriendFace." "THIS PROGRAMME CONTAINS STRONG LANGUAGE." "Can you two not use my email address any more please, I've got a new one." "Right." "Jennywenny@Friendface?" "Oh, no, you've not signed up with Friendface have you?" "Yes, I have, actually." "Why not, it's great." "I joined last night, and I've already got 30 friends." "Baaaaaaa!" "Yes, let's all join Friendface and become part of the herd." "Ha!" "I don't think so." "Why not?" "They're terrific!" "You can catch up on old friends, you can flirt with people." "I think I've got better things to do than to talk to friends and flirt with people, thank you." "You can play Scrabble online with it." "It's just another way of shoving advertising in your face, Jen." "Don't do it, you'll regret it." "It might be a great way to meet women." "All the girls on 7 are on it." "I'm in." "What?" "I've joined." "That was quick!" "It was what you said about Scrabble." "I'm in a game now." "I'm in!" "What?" "I've joined!" "What about the advertising?" "Oh, advertising doesn't have any effect on me, Jen." "I tune it out." "So, er, the girls on 7, Kimberley, she's on this?" "Uh huh." "Ah, cool, look!" "They've got this great game on their home page." "You have to throw a little can of cola into a giant mouth." "That's brilliant." "God, I'm so thirsty." "Listen, I've got to have a word with you, oh, hang on." "Jen, you can change your setting on Friendface so you don't have to have that annoying bleep every time you get a message." "Incoming message!" "Sorry, that's me." "Yeah, I just have to tell you about, oh, hang on." "Yep, Jen, just open a chat window and then we can all talk in it." "How do I do that?" "You just press the speech bubble in the left hand corner." "Oh, yeah." "(LAUGHS) Yes." "Oh, yeah, but don't forget if..." "What are you like?" "If I might interject." "Oh, Moss." "That's hilarious." "That was a classic Moss line." "Yeah." "I love this." "I feel so social." "All right Jen I'm going to go home now, it's nearly half seven." "I'm just answering all my Friendface messages, they sort of piled up." "So many people I don't care about getting in touch, it's brilliant." "Oh, there's another one, and I'm getting into online games, you know, real brain teasers." "And I'm filling out a form on how much I love Cuke, have you tried it?" "Cuke, yeah, I love Cuke, it's heaven in a can." "Anyway I'm going to head, all right." "Jen, don't get too obsessed by that." "No, I won't." "Bye, Moss." "Oh, someone's added me as their friend," "I went to school with her, I wonder how she's doing?" "Oh, not very well." "That's good." "Incoming message." "Jesus Christ!" "I mean, Jesus Christ." "Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God." "Excuse me, some of us are trying to sleep round here." "This woman that I went out with once wants to meet up again." "Oh, I thought I got rid of her, but oh, no, she found me on Friendface." "Now I'm going to have to spend all afternoon trying to make up lies of how to get rid of her again." "Oh, I think that is very mean, if it were me I would like to know the truth." "That you wear way too much makeup." "I do not!" "That's a horrible thing to say, how dare you." "Not you Jen, this girl." "Oh, does she?" "Big time." "Did you sleep with her?" "No." "It wasn't my fault, I got really drunk to try and make the evening pass quicker, and then by the end of it the makeup thing was actually starting to work for me a bit." "Oh, please." "I'm not proud of it Jen, it's not going on my CV, but every man has a story like this." "This is not the first story you've told me like this." "Every man has a few stories like this." "Oh, no!" "She used to slap it on with a trowel." "God, why don't women have the confidence to know that less is more." "Then, when she started crying it all ran down her face, it was like breaking up with The Joker." "Hang on, she was, she was that upset, she was crying?" "It sounds like you really hurt this girl's feelings." "The least you can do is tell the truth, be a man for God's sake." "Whoa, don't, hey, I am a man." "I will tell her, I will email her." "No, you have to tell her face to face." "The hell I do." "This is a fragile young woman, what if she reacts badly?" "That's exactly why I'm doing it on email." "No, you have to tell her the truth and you have to do it face to face." "Do I?" "My mum's on Friendface, my mum!" "It's opened up another channel of communication with my mum." "Isn't that good?" "No, it is not good." "She's put down her current mood as sensual." "Ooh." "Why didn't you just not accept her as a friend?" "Are you an animal?" "I can't turn down a friend request from my mum." "Message for me." "Oh." "I am eating my apple, mum." "She packed me an apple this morning and it's the issue of the day." "I have to go, I'm meeting an old school friend for lunch." "Isn't it great the way Friendface brings people together?" "Nanny's chasing the dog around, all the kids are screaming, absolute bedlam, and here's me going to a meeting with the major shareholders." "My life is an absolute nightmare." "Yes, yes, mine too." "So what about the other girls, what are they doing?" "Elaine is head of marketing at Dennis Publishing." "OK." "She's married to the editor of Esquire." "Is she?" "Veronica is in AR with Arista, her big embarrassing story is she passed on Arctic Monkeys." "Idiot." "Jilly is an architect, designing a new wing on The Tate." "Jilly, Jilly Spencer?" "She used to eat the wood on her desk." "I always thought she was slow." "She's a genius." "Wow, everybody's doing great." "Yeah." "So what about you, Jen?" "What are you up to?" "What am I up to?" "Yeah." "Oh, god, I hope that's not a rude question." "No, no, no, no." "It would be awful if I just listed all our successful friends and you were stuck in some terrible, dead end job you hated." "Oh, god, that would be an absolute fucker." "No, no, I'm Head of IT at Reynholm Industries." "Oh, I didn't know you were interested in computers." "Interested is not the word." "MOBILE RINGS" "Sorry." "Hi, babe." "You didn't have to call just to tell me that, no I can't," "I'm in public." "Stop it." "Yeah, of course I'm wearing it." "Can I have another one, please?" "Hi, Roy." "Hi." "Roy, do you have any attractive, successful-looking friends?" "No." "What, none at all?" "No." "Oh, god, well maybe you could help me then." "Wow, that's flattering." "Are you pissed?" "A little bit." "Could you come to a school reunion with me and pretend you're my husband?" "Do you really think that you can quiz me for a better option and think I'll still say yes?" "I'll give you £50." "When is it?" "Tomorrow night." "I sort of bigged myself up to this girl, she never had much time for me at school and I wanted to impress her so, I need a husband." "Yeah, I can't because tomorrow night I'm spending the evening with The Joker." "Yeah, I'm going to do what you said," "I'm gonna tell her the truth, tell her I'm just not interested in her." "Ooh, you're not actually going to do that face to face?" "You told me to." "Well, aren't you worried she'll go mad?" "I'm very worried about that." "Oh, you are a...oh!" "I'm going to cancel." "No, no you can't cancel, not now." "Who am I going to ask then?" "Who are you going to ask what?" "Nothing." "The queen of honesty here needs someone to pretend to be her husband at her school reunion." "When is it?" "So, you remember what to do." "Big you up to the max." "By?" "Listing your fictional achievements." "Uh huh, and?" "Saying how lucky I am to have met you and talking about our sweet sex life." "Maybe not the last one, we don't want to sound too smug." "If I'm pretending to be married," "I'm pretending to be sexually active." "Don't worry Jen, I plan on earning this £10." "Five now, five later." "Thank you." "So...how are you?" "I'm fine." "It was great seeing your profile pop up on Friendface." "Gave me a great excuse to get back in touch." "Yeah, that's the brilliant thing about that bloody website." "And how are you?" "I'm great, I am great, yeah." "I'm glad that we got together, Alison, because... it's only fair that I be completely honest with you." "The truth is..." "Do you mind if I say something first?" "Er..." "OK." "I've never been very good with words, so..." "I wrote it down and it turned into a poem." "I'm sorry..." "Are you going to read a poem now?" "Is that what's actually going to happen?" "Yeah, is that all right?" "Wouldn't you prefer to text it to me?" "It's a bit long for that." "Okey dokey." ""Oh, gentle Irish eyes..."" "Oh!" ""tussled brown hair," ""smile as big as my favourite teddy bear."" "That's a bit corny, I might take it out or I might leave it in." ""Without you, I am just a husk."" "I, er..." "A husk?" "Yeah." "Uh-huh!" ""Without you, I am just a husk, a dead thing," ""my new best friend is a razor, a rope, a noose to swing...in." Oh!" ""Without you, the sweet release of death" ""would be all that could give me hope!" ""When I see your face on my computer," ""I don't just see you." ""I see our future."" "Oh, it's..." "Oh-oh!" "Oh...mmm!" "Which is how my sexy wife became the first ginger woman on the cover of Newsweek." "That is wow." "Just when I think I've heard every story that puts Jen in a good light, you come up with another one." "Yes, and they're beginning to sound a little bit unbelievable." "Oh, I can't help it!" "I love this well-travelled high earner." "A woman in the living room, a chef in the kitchen, a prostitute in the bedroom." "Ow!" "Jen, why don't you tell them all about your bionic arm?" "Yeah, yeah, yeah, I could do." "Or, or we could talk about something else." "Yeah, we've heard enough stories about Jen." "Yeah!" "We want to hear about the guy that tamed her heart." "Yeah, what do you do, Moss?" "I'm a professional tennis player." "Yeah, he doesn't like talking about it, though, so..." "I do." "Where do you play?" "Where don't I play." "Wimbledon?" "I don't play there." "Are you seeded, Moss?" "Bit of a personal question, Terry." "But... yes, I'm highly seeded, we have two lovely children, Zenith and Quasar." "I, I love, I love this song." "Let's all stop talking and dance to this song!" "POP MUSIC PLAYS" "Come on, let's dance." "Her name is Jen, er, she's a work colleague." "We've been seeing each other for some time." "I love her, I love that woman." "Do you have a picture of her?" "A picture of her?" "No." "What, not even on your phone?" "No, it never occurred to me to take a picture of her, because I see her all the time." "You just don't want me!" "Oh, I do, I do, it's, it's..." "Why wouldn't I want you?" "No, it's just, it's this girl." "There is no girl." "There is!" "It's a real girl." "Look, could you...?" "Could you just stop crying?" "No, I'm never gonna stop crying!" "Do you want to meet her?" "We can meet her." "What, really?" "Yeah, let's go and meet Jen." "Will that make you a little less mad?" "Tough, though, the whole marriage thing." "Terry, it's as tough as a cow's back." "You know what takes the edge off for me?" "What?" "Regular, uninhibited, exploratory sex with a partner who's even wilder than I am." "That's Jen." "She may look like a ginger angel, but get her behind closed doors and she turns into Peter Stringfellow." "God, I envy you." "These days, Delina hardly ever lets me, you know, do it." "Ah, I'm on Jen at least four times a day." "As I've already said, I am fully seeded." "You've got it really sorted, haven't you?" "Yeah, it's very surprising, isn't it?" "No offence, Jen, but I've got to admit I always thought you'd be the one whose life just went completely off the rails." "You always seemed to attract such chaos at school, but look at you now." "Delina, can we be best friends?" "Tell you the truth, I think Delina might be sleeping with someone else." "No, she's just over there." "I mean, this is just between ourselves." "Of course." "Little clues here and there, things only a husband would pick up." "Like, someone wrote a message on her Friendface wall read," ""Can't wait to shag your arse off again soon."" "I don't know, maybe I'm reading too much into it." "Still, if I ever found out who that person was, "Ooh...god."" "Agh, it's a pickle, Terry." "Women!" "Oh..." "If I had a pound for every bloody woman..." "Argh...oh!" "I hear ya." "Hi there, Jen!" "What are you doing here?" "I saw on your profile that you were having a party." "That's the great thing about Friendface, I get to see what all my employees are doing, all the time." "Come on, be game." "Ah, there she is!" "There's Jen!" "OK, Jen, I am gonna help you out, but need you to play along!" "This is Alison!" "(SCREAMS)" "She's the friend I told you about, remember?" "And this..." "This is Jen, the woman I love!" "What's going on here?" "What are you doing?" "I'm enjoying an evening out with my woman." "What?" "!" "Jen, who is this joker?" "!" "No offence!" "OK...what the hell is going on here?" "Moss is my husband, Roy." "But you said you wanted me." "..She really did!" "It's true, I did want you, at one point." "You were the one that I wanted, but then you left, you left, Roy, and so I turned to Moss, and Moss was there for me, Roy." "Moss was there for me in a way that you were not, and now we're together, and that's all that matters." "I don't know." "What?" "I don't know, Jen." "I love you, God knows I do." "Your sweet abandon in bed, your humanitarian work, you've given me two wonderful children in Zenith and Quasar." "But it sounds to me like you still have feelings for this young man, and I'm not sure I can handle that." "I'm not sure at all!" "I don't." "I don't." "I don't have feelings for this man." "Yes, you do." "Admit it, Jen!" "Admit that you have feelings for me, loudly, here, in front of Alison." "No, I don't." "He means nothing to me, Delina." "Well, you moved on quickly, you bitch!" "How dare you call my sexy wife a bitch!" "Do you want to take this outside?" "With pleasure, sir." "I will just get some of my coats." "Excuse me, Alison." "What now?" "Hadn't really thought this far." "I'll just go and see how they are." "Oh, those bloody bastards!" "Oh, lovely to see Jen!" "See her?" "I'm shagging her." "Grr!" "Well, hello there, beautiful."