"It's a movie." "2 words." ""The jerk."" ""The birds."" "You got it !" "No fair !" "You were giving him hand signals." "That's how you play charades." "Oh." "Well, let me try !" "All right, uh " "It's a movie." "It's about you." ""The brother from another planet" ?" ""Hair."" "No, you're all wrong." "It's "the man who would be king."" "Groan." "Groan." "**" "[ Doorbell ]" "Alf, hide in the kitchen." "If you weren't always sending me to the kitchen," "I might not eat so much." "Alf, please." "No wonder willie's pants don't fit me any more." "Hi, willie, hi, kate," "And other residents of the tanner manor." "Hi, trevor, raquel." "And who might this be ?" "This is jake, my brother cyril's kid." "These are the tanners." "Hello." "Hi, jake." "Hi." "Hi, jake." "Yeah." "Jake's from new york." "He's staying with us while his father's away." "How long will that be ?" "5 years," "Unless he gets time off for good behavior." "Everybody sit down." "I'll get some iced tea." "Oh, please, let me help." "After all, i am a mother now." "That's okay." "I can handle it." "Fine !" "Hog the limelight." "All right, raquel." "Give me just a minute." "There's a big bug in there ..." "I don't want you to see." "Alf, you've got to get out of here." "I know.There's a big bug in here." "There's no bug." "I said that to fool raquel." "You expect her to fall for that ?" "You did." "Well, i'm naive." "Please, you have to leave." "I just got here." "Isn't that a rattlesnake under the sink ?" "[ Gasp ]" "I'm gone." "You can come in, raquel." "[ Coughing ]" "That bug never stood a chance." "What do you think of jake ?" "Well, i just met him." "He seems ..." "quiet." "Well, brian doesn't say much," "And you don't see me making a stink." "Raquel." "I'm sorry.I'm just so excited." "I have always wanted a child," "But trevor wanted to get his masters in art history." "Now, that i have a child," "I'm so nervous." "Don't worry." "Children can be difficult," "But at least they don't shed in the milk." "I guess we'll be going to the same school." "Until i drop out." "You're dropping out ?" "When i'm 16 -- In 1 year, 3 months,  18 days." "Aah, geez." "Boy, you're lucky." "I've got 8 years, 2 months,  4 days." "Is jake helping brian with his math ?" "Not exactly." "Can we talk in private ?" "Sure, we can go ..." "Into the laundry room ?" "No, uh " "There's laundry in there." "Well, no one can hear us in the bedroom." "Raquel can." "Hold still, lucky." "I'll be off your back in a minute." "Oh !" "The only good cat is a stir-Fried cat." "Ow !" "Right in the navel !" "I'm sorry, trevor." "You can't come in yet." "Alf, hide." "Get out." "I'm not in, yet." "Trevor's outside." "Promise you'll build me a room of my own." "Hide.Now." "Or else." "Wasn't that a chuck norris film ?" "Gang way." "[ Cat screeches ]" "[ Alf ] sorry." "Why did you slam the door ?" "Well, i, uh " "Don't tell me." "Someone didn't make his bed this morning ?" "Caught in the act." "What did you want to talk about ?" "Jake." "I don't know what to do with that kid." "He talks back, disobeys," "And i think he stole some peat moss from our living room." "Why put peat moss in your living room ?" "To keep people from stealing it." "Obviously." "Have a talk with jake." "Look, willie," "I've got to be honest." "I'm no good with kids." "All i ever raised was tomatoes." "Without peat moss, i can't even do that." "Do you want me to talk to him ?" "Would you ?" "Maybe you can get a handle on him." "He's a smart kid." "He's an ochmonek." "Say no more." "I just want jake to turn out okay." "He will," "As long as he gets the love and guidance he needs." "Aw, that's pretty." "I just don't want jake in jail like his father," "Or his brother," "Or his cousin victor." "I see you've made a little friend." "Littlefriend?" "She's a beanpole." "You should see me in heels, shrimpo." "Are you guys having fun ?" "Your daughter's gonna put on heels for me." "I think we should be going." "We've about exhausted the idle chit chat." "Jake, come back tonight after supper." "You can have some cake with us." "Just have stretch bring it over." "Want to pop out of it for me ?" "Want to live long enough to drop out of school ?" "Let's go." "Good bye, everybody." "So long, jake." "Sure, peewee." "Who are you calling peewee ?" "You." "Just asking." "Come on." "Peewee." "Brian, don't ever change." "That jake really grows on you, doesn't he ?" "Not on me." "Don't you think he's a little rude ?" "[ Burp ]" "Not particularly." "[ Alf ] cake.Cake.Cake." "Cake.Cake.Cake." "Cake !" "Cake !" "Cake !" "Cake " "We're saving it for jake." "Okay." "He's not coming." "Let's eat." "He'll be here, alf." "The kid's probably going up the river ..." "As we speak." "They'll put him in solitary," "Feed him bread and water," "Topped by a delicious piece of chocolate ..." "Cake." "Jake may have some problems," "But he's not going to be sent to prison." "Tell that to my cousin ..." ""Pretty boy" shumway." "He grew up on the south side of melmac;" "The baddest part of the planet." "If he didn't like your shoes " "Ack ack ack ack ack." "He'd shoot a person because of his shoes ?" "No, he'd just point ..." "And go ack ack ack ack ack." "Mr. Ochmonek called and said jake won't come over." "I didn't hear the phone." "He just hollered through my window." "All right !" "Let's eat." "Would you like some cake ?" "[ Crash, cat screeches ]" "Come in, scotland." "Come in, scotland." "Is this scotland ?" "Aye, it is." "Hey, scotty, beam me up !" "Ha-Ha-Ha." "I kill me !" "Well, i'm hungry." "Maybe i'll call turkey." "Hey !" "Stay !" "Drop that telescope !" "On second thought " " Don't." "Get away from me !" "Just stay away !" "Wait !" "You can't leave." "They'll think i broke the telescope." "Okay, i'll fix it." "Just don't bite me." "Bite you ?" "That's a good idea." "I'll bite you, if you don't fix this." "[ Snaps jaws ]" "All right !" "Just don't tell my aunt and uncle i was taking it." "On one condition." "You fix it, and don't tell anyone about me." "That's 2 conditions." "Hsssss !" "All right !" "You've got a deal." "What are you, anyway ?" "I'm an alien from the planet melmac." "I have powers you can only dream of." "Like what ?" "I could watch 10 hours of tv," "Without ever getting up to go to the bathroom." "You're the weirdest thing i've ever seen." "You should see me with my hair wet." "Do the tanners know about you ?" "Yeah,they know all about me." "Well, they don't know that i've had liposuction." "Where'd you learn to fix telescopes -- Cal tech ?" "No, my dad taught me." "We used to find things in the trash and fix them." "My dad could fix anything;" "Especially horse races." "Wild guess " "That's why he's in jail ?" "Yeah." "Well, uh -- I'm done." "Wow !" "You're good !" "And fast !" "It's no big deal." "No big deal ?" "On melmac, we only had one guy ..." "Who knew how to fix things." "They put him on display in a zoo," "But the cage door was broken," "So he walked away." "Good story." "Can i go now ?" "Yeah, but remember our deal " "You can't tell anyone about me." "Don't worry -- I live by the ochmonek code." "We don't squeal or tip." "The name's alf." "Jake." "Bye." "Bye." "Hsssss !" "I've still got it." "And magic runs down." "Oh, man." "Takes one " "3, 2, 1 " "What are you doing here ?" "I brought over a few things for you to fix." "This has fur stuck in it." "I don't know how that happened." "What happened to this ?" "I tried to puree a rock." "It didn't work." "[ Raquel ] jake ?" "Are you talking to someone ?" "No, it's just the tv." "Welcome to "monday night football."" "It's saturday !" "Live, from new york, it's "saturday --"" "I'm shutting it off." "Click !" "Can you fix all this stuff ?" "My motto is "if i can't fix it, it ain't broken."" "My motto is "i broke it."" "My dad's motto is "i broke into it."" "Ha-Ha.You're pretty funny for a delinquent." "I love this male bonding." "Let's go out back and throw a cat on the barbie." "Just a thought." "Hi, lynn." "Willie, is this your tape recorder ?" "Gee, i'm not sure." "[ Alf ] my sister is so fat ..." "She gets her legs waxed at the car wash." "Ha-Ha." "Yes, that's ours." "Who's the comedian ?" "Ever heard of jay leno ?" "No." "It's jay leno." "Oh." "I found this in jake's room." "The kid's a crook." "I was fixing it !" "He's a liar, too." "Your father would be so ashamed." "It's a good thing he's in jail." "Pssst." "I don't know what to say." "Pssst !" "What made you do it ?" "Could you excuse me, just for a moment ?" "I invented a new sport " "Biscuit ball." "What do you want ?" "You're wrong about jake." "He's a good kid." "He stole that tape recorder." "He was fixing it." "He could fix anything." "How do you know that ?" "Has he seen you ?" "Yeah." "But he won't tell anyone." "Besides, he's a hoodlum." "Who'd believe him ?" "Trevor, for one." "Jake won't tell trevor." "I physically intimidated him." "You ?" "Hsssss !" "Don't do that." "Hsssss !" "Don't !" "Hsssss !" "Oh, stop it." "What do you mean, he can fix anything ?" "Look at the coffee maker." "Hsssss !" "What happened to the jello ?" "Jake cleaned it all out !" "So much for my "mr." "Jello" machine." "Stay here." "Hsssss !" "Jake, i owe you an apology." "Apology ?" "That biscuit caused brain damage ?" "He really was fixing the tape recorder." "I just found out from ..." "Mom." "Right." "Bet you feel like a real jerk." "Yeah." "Listen, kid, i'm real sorry." "Am i still going to bed without supper ?" "Of course not." "Rats !" "You know, trevor," "It seems this young man is a little "mr." "Fix-It."" ""Little mr." "Fix-It."" "How cute." "You want me, don't you ?" "You should get him some tools of his own." "He could fix things at your house." "Yeah." "Could you fix our christmas lights ?" "They stopped blinking in june." "Sure.I could even fix your outdoor p.A. System." "Oh, please don't." "Willie, can we borrow some of your tools ?" "Sure, they're in your garage." "Oh, yeah." "Come on, jake." "Good bye." "Bye." "Tell jay leno i said "hi."" "Everybody knows this jay leno, except me." "What a strange family." "Heh !" "Now, what do you want ?" "Nothing.I was just doing the heimlich maneuver on myself." "Heh." "Heh." "Heh." "Heh." "Where is that ?" "Ah !" "That piece doesn't fit there." "Yes, it does." "Voil?" "Mickey's eye is in his nose." "Now he can see what he smells." "Mr. Ochmonek found his peat moss." "It was in his dining room behind the rock salt." "Did jake fix your hair dryer ?" "Yeah, he's busy fixing everything." "[ Trevor ] testing, testing." "Is this thing on ?" "Captions performed by captions, inc.Los angeles, ca" "Captions copyrighted by alien productions." "All rights reserved."