"CBS presents this program in color." "( theme song playing )" "All right." "The lights go out in exactly 23 seconds." "Schultz, you woke me up to tell me that?" "Buzz off!" "18 seconds more." "Turn out the light, Schultz." "I need the extra sleep." "SCHULTZ:" "Impossible." "According to camp regulations, the lights have to be out in, uh... ten seconds, nine, eight..." "ALL ( whispering ):" "Seven, six, five... ( grunts ) ...four, three, two, one." "( laughs )" "ALL ( shouting ):" "Zero!" "( shouts )" "Get those lights out, come on!" "The Commandant can see all this from the window, you know, Schultz." "The Commandant!" "Commandant." "Where..." "Where is my rifle?" "!" "I don't know." "What do you mean you don't know?" "Where is my rifle?" "Trifle?" "No!" "Rifle!" "Rifle, where is my rifle?" "Who stole my ri...?" "Ah, here is my rifle." "Why do you have to have my rifle?" "I don't have a teddy bear." "Oh, that's sad, but give me back the rifle." "Shh!" "Shh!" "Quiet!" "Shh." "Shh." "( whispers ):" "Everybody, sound asleep." "Back to bed." "Everybody sound asleep." "Shh!" "Shh." "Schultz?" "Can I have a drink of water?" "No!" "Quiet!" "Everybody back to bed!" "All right, come on." "( 1940s instrumental music plays )" "Okay, Ferguson, let's go." "The underground's waiting for those maps, come on!" "Gosh, I hate to leave here." "The last four days have been the best" "I ever spent in the army." "Nothing too good for a guest who's going on a dangerous mission, Captain." "All right, now, look," "Carter will get you to the meeting place with the underground." "They'll see that you get back to England with the installation maps." "Okay, Colonel." "All clear, Kinch?" "Uh-huh, so far." "Uh-oh!" "What's the matter?" "KINCH:" "Our beloved Commandant is on the prowl." "HOGAN:" "Can't be, should be asleep by now." "Here, hold this." "Yeah, it is Klink!" "And he's heading right for the barracks." "Down periscope!" "Everybody back to bed!" "Let's go, come on!" "By the way, Ferguson, if you want anything, just ring for room service." "Thanks, Colonel." "Hey, what's going on here?" "HOGAN:" "All right, who turned on the lights?" "You guys know the rules." "We didn't do..." "Oh, Commandant, what a pleasure." "I couldn't sleep." "I want to talk to you, Hogan." "Oh, sure, uh, uh, uh, uh, I'll, uh..." "I'll drop by your office first thing in the morning, say, around 11:30ish." "I want to talk to you now alone." "Uh, why don't you step into my office?" "Light, sir." "Well, Colonel, what's up at this hour of the night?" "I mean, besides you?" "Do you mind if we have some light, Hogan?" "Oh, oh, I'm sorry." "Sit down." "Thank you." "Hogan, uh, this is a painful matter to discuss, but it's no secret, I know." "You do?" "What do you know?" "That I'm a failure." "Is that all?" "Is that all?" "Do you think it's easy for a man to face the fact that he's been a failure all his life?" "No, but you've had a long time to get used to it." "Why are you telling me about this?" "Because even though you're a prisoner, you're the only man of equal rank here at this camp." "Thank you." "And also, if you repeat this conversation, as a prisoner, I can have you shot." "Under those circumstances, you can depend on me, sir." "Thank you, Colonel Hogan." "Mm-hmm." "Uh, what makes you think you're a failure?" "Do you realize that I have been a colonel longer than any man in my graduating class?" "The rest are all generals, field marshals..." "To say nothing of Hitler, who was a corporal." "His next promotion was head of the army." "I am not complaining about that promotion." "General Burkhalter called today." "He is coming here to talk to me about my future, he said." "Do you realize what that means?" "It means a transfer to the Russian front." "Fine, get a chance to be a hero!" "I'd rather be a live failure than a dead hero." "Then you've got your wish." "You're a live failure." "Sorry." "How much longer you going to keep Captain Ferguson down in that tunnel, sir?" "We can't get him away while Klink prowls the grounds all night." "Yeah, and with Klink on the prowl, the guards are on the alert." "What I want to know is, how much longer is Klink going to prowl?" "As long as Klink is unhappy and can't sleep." "We got to figure a way to make him happy." "General Burkhalter, I cannot tell you what a pleasure it always is to have you drop in for a visit." "BURKHALTER:" "Sit down, Klink." "You are making me nervous." "Oh, I wouldn't do that for the world." "Not to you, General, never, never." "Stop talking." "That makes me nervous, too." "I've been giving a great deal of thought to you, Klink, and I must say, I strongly disapprove of you." "Do you know what I disapprove of?" "The way you are living." "A man like you shouldn't live alone." "It's not good to live alone." "All right, Herr General, I'll get a dog." "I wasn't talking about a dog." "I was talking about a wife." "All right, I'll get a..." "Wife?" "Naturally, I cannot order you to do something about your personal life." "No, no, no, no, please, please, go ahead." "Order, order." "Marrying into the right kind of family can do a lot for a man's career." "You're absolutely right, Herr General." "It can do everything." "Do you remember Captain Haldman?" "Haldman?" "Oh, yes." "He was in my graduating class." "The class idiot, we used to call him." "The idiot has just been made general." "He married Field Marshal Keitel's niece." "Is that so?" "Oh, well, of course when I used the word idiot," "I was merely using a figure of speech." "What I meant to say was..." "He is an idiot!" "But it just shows you what making the right kind of marriage can do for someone." "That's all I have to say." "General Burkhalter, I want to thank you for bringing this to my attention." "Not at all." "Oh, by the way..." "Yes, sir?" "My sister and niece will be visiting with me." "I'd like you to meet them." "Naturally, Herr General." "I would be delighted to meet your sister and niece." "Delighted." "We got to get Ferguson off pretty soon." "The underground says they can only wait two or three more days." "Well, we can't do a thing while Klink roams around at night and the guards have to be on their toes." "See you later." "Oh, Ferguson wants some Worcestershire sauce for his cheeseburgers." "( pronouncing ):" "Woostershire." "Hi, Colonel." "General Burkhalter just left here." "Oh." "The Russian front?" "Worse, much worse." "He wants me to marry his niece." "That's bad?" "Did you hear what I said?" "Burkhalter's niece." "Did you ever stop to think she might be a beauty?" "Ha!" "It's more likely she looks like Burkhalter." "Oh." "And if she isn't something awful, why would Burkhalter practically blackmail me into marrying her?" "She's got to be a monster." "Uh, don't do anything hasty, sir." "Why don't you get a good night's sleep?" "Things will look differently in the morning." "Sleep?" "I won't close my eyes all night long." "I was afraid of that." "What did Captain Ferguson order for breakfast today?" "Waffles and sausages, and a cheese omelet, and potato pancakes with applesauce." "Oh, boy, that Ferguson is living the life of Riley." "That's right." "That bloke Riley must have some appetite." "Yeah, and the war's going to be over before we get Ferguson out of here." "There's nothing we can do." "Our unhappy Commandant was prowling the grounds again last night." "( brakes squeaking ) Uh-oh." "KINCH:" "Looks like we got company." "Good morning, General Burkhalter." "Good morning." "Colonel Klink, this is my niece Lottie." "How do you do?" "BURKHALTER:" "And this is my sister, Mrs. Linkmyer." "How do you do?" "How do you do?" "Your quarters are ready right next to the General in the VIP section." "That is very kind of you, Colonel." "I hope we don't put you to too much trouble." "No trouble at all." "May I show you around the camp?" "The ladies just arrived, Klink." "I'm sure they would like to freshen up." "You can show them around later." "Oh, I understand, sir." "Till we meet again." "Well, Colonel, I must say the niece doesn't look a bit like Burkhalter." "She is a goddess!" "Mm-hmm." "And don't use her name in the same breath with his!" "Oh, I'm sorry." "Get those men cleaned up." "It'll be the cooler for every man who doesn't sparkle and shine." "You know it's a funny thing about Klink." "He's nasty even when he's happy." "Yeah, but he'll sleep tonight, sir." "You bet he will." "Let's break the bad news to Ferguson." "Ja, and with dispatch!" "Ah." "Well... what do you think of our Colonel Klink?" "He looks like a dead fish." "I was not asking you, Lottie." "I was asking your mother." "Well, Gertrude?" "I don't know." "It seems to me I should be able to do better than a Colonel." "If I would consider marriage at all, why not a lieutenant general?" "I will tell you why, Gertrude." "In the first place, you are no spring chicken!" "Albert!" "In the second place, you are no great beauty." "Albert!" "There are very few unmarried men around and quite a few widows." "I am not a widow!" "My husband was reported missing in action." "On the Russian front," ""missing in action" makes you a widow beyond a shadow of a doubt." "I haven't made up my mind about Colonel Klink." "I have to know him better." "I still say he looks like a dead fish." "You'd better be nice to him." "That dead fish might be your father." "Ja." "And, Hogan, I suppose you know a good deal about, uh..." "I mean, you've had a lot of experience..." "What I mean to say is..." "You want to know if I'm a ladies' man." "That's it exactly." "Well, I can take 'em or leave 'em alone." "To be honest with you," "I've taken more than I've left alone." "That's what I thought." "Hogan, I want to ask some advice from you." "All right." "The most important thing to remember when you're romancing a girl, especially in the early stages, is the billing and cooing, the tender things you whisper in her ear." "What things?" "Lies." "The bigger, the better." "Colonel Hogan!" "Every girl likes to look up to the man that she loves." "To respect, admire, idolize him." "Let's face it." "No man on his own record can live up to that." "So, he's got to make up another record, to appear ten feet tall to the girl he loves." "It's the name of the game." "Out of the question." "Colonel Hogan, you Americans may make love that way, but we Germans, well, we have a code of honor, especially with women." "I will not lie." "Colonel, any man that won't lie to the woman he loves doesn't deserve to have her." "( knocking )" "Come in." "Mrs. Linkmyer!" "Where's the rest of you?" "I mean, your daughter?" "The general is showing her around the camp." "I wanted to talk to you by myself." "Oh, yes, of course, by all means." "Well, I'll be going." "Uh, no, no, Hogan, wait." "You haven't finished your filing." "Filing?" "You know how I feel about filing." "Oh, filing." "Filing." "Oh, Mrs. Linkmyer, please, sit down." "I believe that the general talked to you about a little matter." "Yes, he did." "He certainly did." "With his very own mouth." "So, naturally, there are certain questions" "I must ask you, do you understand?" "Oh, yes." "If I were in your place," "I would do exactly the same thing." "Please feel free to ask me anything." "Do you drink or gamble?" "Never!" "Isn't that right, Hogan?" "Oh, right, right, never." "Good." "Now, who do you think should handle the money in the family, the husband or the wife?" "Who?" "Who?" "Uh, the Commandant, as a soldier, feels that the wife should handle the money." "He'll handle the war." "I've heard him say that hundreds of times." "That's right." "That is what I said." "Very well expressed." "I thought so myself." "Excuse me, Herr Kommandant." "You told me to tell you as soon as they got here." "They are here!" "The daughter and... the mother." "I know." "Is there anything else..." "Schultz?" "No, Herr Kommandant." "That's all." "Colonel Klink, we will talk more later." "Meanwhile," "I think it's fair to tell you that my daughter does not like you." "She doesn't like me?" "I'm sure she will come around, but naturally, there can be no question of a marriage without her approval." "Naturally." "Now, shall we join the others?" "By all means." "She doesn't like me!" "Lottie does not like me." "Commandant, just put yourself in my hands." "I'll have you goose-stepping to "Here Comes the Bride"" "before you know it." "Hmm." "Herr Kommandant." "Colonel Hogan, this is hopeless." "Why should a beautiful girl like Lottie love someone like me?" "It won't be someone like you she'll love." "It'll be the image we create." "I don't want her to fall in love with an image." "I want her to fall in love with me, Colonel Klink." "Well, that's doing it the hard way." "Now, first thing," "I've prepared a list of sure-fire pitches, romantic pitches that work every time." "Every time you get her alone, you just throw one of these pitches at her." ""I am only a simple soldier, Lottie," ""and all I can offer you is the simple heart of a simple soldier."" "You think she'll like that?" "It's beautiful!" "Here's another one." "Never misses." "You'll love it." ""Until I met you, Lottie," ""I never really saw a sunset or heard a bird sing." ""You're my first thought in the morning," ""and my last thought at night." ""If a sniper's bullet should take me, you would be my last thought in life."" "( sobbing )" "Oh." "These really work?" "You see what it's doing to Schultz." "You should see how it works on girls." "Let me see." "( knock at door )" "Come in." "Colonel Hogan." "Colonel, how's the romance going with the fair Lottie?" "It's not going anyplace." "Why not?" "Aren't you using those sure-fire lines I gave you?" "How can I use them?" "I'm never alone with Lottie." "The mother is always there." "Oh, I'm alone with the mother a lot, but never with Lottie without the mother." "You got a problem." "Yeah, this calls for higher-echelon thinking." "Soft lights, romantic music and a French dinner." "And where are you going to get all this?" "Leave that to me." "We've got to write a dinner invitation to Lottie." "I'll dictate it." "All right, all right." ""My darling girl," ""I want very much to see you." ""Please come to my place for dinner." ""My lips tremble" ""with the question I must ask you" ""and ask you alone." "Please say you will come."" "Sign that, "Your devoted slave."" "Colonel Hogan, do you really talk to girls like this?" "Sure." "And you get results?" "Every time." "I just don't understand it." "Miss Linkmyer, I have a letter from Colonel Klink." "I will take it." "Yeah, uh, Baron von Klink wanted me to deliver it to you." "Baron von Klink?" "Klink is a baron?" "Son of a gun, I wasn't supposed to mention it." "The Colonel is a baron?" "Well, yeah, but during wartime he doesn't want to be known as an aristocrat, just a soldier." "What a wonderful attitude." "Yeah, well, that's the kind of man he is." "I mean, he never even mentions his decorations, like the, uh, uh, the Iron Cross, or the Imperial Legion of Merit, or the Victoria Cross." "The Victoria Cross?" "Mm-hmm." "But is not that a British decoration?" "Well, yeah, but even the British admire a brave man." "And to think that I said he looked like a dead fish." "Yeah, well, I wouldn't mention it to him or anyone else." "Oh, no, I won't." "But can I tell my mother?" "No, especially your mother, no." "I understand." "If she is going to marry him, it should be for what he is, not what he was." "She's gonna marry him?" "Your mama?" "Well, it is not definite yet, but, uh, my uncle, General Burkhalter, says that the Colonel is anxious to marry Mama, and now, I approve, too." "Oh, boy." "Miss Linkmyer, I think" "I've made a mistake." "Can I have that note back?" "Oh, no mistake." "The Colonel has invited Mama for dinner." "What a nice surprise for Mama." "What a nice surprise for Colonel Klink." "( humming )" "Schultz, have another bottle of champagne ready." "Jawohl, Herr Baron." "I mean, Herr Kommandant." "Hogan, you have done a very good job." "Everything looks absolutely splendid." "Thanks, sir." "The only thing is, it isn't really necessary." "( laughs )" "General Burkhalter has assured me that the lady returns my affection, and you have gone through a lot of trouble for nothing." "Not that I don't appreciate it, mind you." "( Klink laughs )" "( whispering ):" "Colonel, why don't you tell him the truth?" "I can't." "It would be too painful." "Besides, he's going to find out anyway." "Yeah, I never thought I'd feel sorry for Klink." "( door buzzer sounds )" "Never mind, never mind, I'll get it." "It's Lottie, my darling Lottie." "HOGAN:" "Don't get your hopes too high." "It might be someone else." "Who else could it be?" "( buzzer sounds )" "Who else, indeed." "Come in, my darling, come in..." "Mrs. Linkmyer!" "Come, come, Wilhelm." "You must call me Gertrude." "I must?" "Of course." "A husband and wife can't be so formal." "Even though you have not asked me the question that is trembling on your lips." "Husband?" "Wife?" "I must say, I was very angry at first, when the General told me about his matchmaking, but once I got to know you, Wilhelm..." "Hogan?" "I'm helping Schultz chill the champagne." "Me, too." "What a lovely place you have here, Wilhelm." "I think I will make only a few changes." "The drapes will go first, and then-then we could get new furniture." "Oh, just think, Wilhelm-- our own little love nest." "Oh, I know you two want to be alone." "Come on, fellows." "KLINK:" "Hogan!" "Schultz, set another place." "You would have liked my husband Otto very much." "Mind you, not that he didn't have some very bad habits, but I shouldn't say anything against him." "He was lost in the Russian Front, you know." "Maybe you knew him." "Was he the one they called Lucky Otto?" "I don't remember anyone ever calling him that." "Maybe it was some other Lucky Otto." "GERTRUDE:" "Wilhelm, what do you think of a spring wedding?" "Not much." "If you don't mind me saying so," "I think you should get married right away, like tomorrow." "( clears throat )" "Hogan, I'm going to have you shot, and no court-martial in the world would convict me." "Tomorrow?" "Why so soon?" "Well, I figure it'd give you a chance to get to know each other, enjoy a few golden moments before..." "Before what?" "Colonel, do you think it's fair to keep it secret?" "Why don't you tell her?" "Tell her what?" "You naughty boy!" "Are you keeping secrets from me already?" "Now, what is it?" "I'm going to tell her if you don't." "The Colonel has volunteered for service at the Russian Front, leaves next week." "What?" "Why does everybody I know volunteer for the Russian front?" "What is the big attraction there?" "I don't know." "I'm sure there's something." "Well, I will tell you one thing, Colonel Klink." "I am not going to be a widow again." "The engagement is off, and that is final!" "That's it." "I would not do it." "It's ridiculous!" "My God, it's crazy." "( door slams )" "Hogan, you have just done me a great favor." "I would like to do something for you." "All I can ask is, you get a good night's sleep." "I am going to sleep like a baby." "That's all I wanted to hear."