"The sea, uncle, why is it salty?" "It all started with two brothers in a small hamlet." "One of them, Mark, had an estate, sheep, cows, oxen, fields, fishponds, geese, ducks, chickens, pigeons, pigs, vineyards, and woods." "He also had a wife and a child, but took them for granted, because he was a scrooge, a penny-pincher and a skinflint." "The other, Jake, had a wife and a bunch of children." "And nothing else." "But he loved that wife of his and those children, and since he had a pair of good hands, he worked to feed them all." "Only he didn't bring home much." "And when there was seven of those kids and still only two hands, as you can guess, there was not much on the table at dinner time." "Suddenly Christmas time arrived - and what was there to do?" "He says: "I'll go to see Mark, he will surely give me something."" ""Pardon, pardon."" "Mark was slaughtering a pig, but to give his brother a share - that he didn't feel like." "He twisted and turned and made excuses and where would it all end, and this and that," "but suddenly, in a fit of rage he grabs half the pig and says:" ""So be it." "Take it and go to hell!"" ""My humble thanks."" ""Oh my rashers!" "Oh my sausages!" "Oh my lovely pig's nose!"" ""Halt!"" "Standing there is an ordinary looking gamekeeper:" ""Where are you off to with that half a pig?"" "Jake, remembering what his brother had shouted, replied:" ""Well, actually, to hell."" ""One moment, please." "Look!" "Attention!" "This way, please." "Keep going till you meet Lucifer." "Give him the pork, he loves it." "He'll want to tip you, but accept nothing but an old grinder."" ""Yeah, yeah..." "Do not come back without it."" "RECEPTION" "HELL" " GET OFF" "THIS WAY" "GRILLING" "FRYING" "SMOKING" "THIS WAY" "LUCIFER" " KNOCK" ""Well, look who is here!" "Jake!" He didn't let Jake get a word in." ""Now come on in, hang it on that hook right by those receipts,"" "and he's opening his coffers:" ""Here is something for you" " do you want it in gold, in silver, or in hard currency?"" "But Jake remembered the rusty grinder." "Lucifer pushes towards Jake notes twisted by the infernal heat." ""I would settle for this rusty grinder."" ""Take this and say no more."" "Jake plays dumb, leaves the notes where they are, jumps, grabs the grinder and is out of the office." "And Lucifer after him." "Well, if somebody sits in an office all day, he won't be as quick as Jake, for example, who uses his muscles, is out in the fresh air, and eats sparingly." "WORLD" " THIS WAY" ""The grinder is gone!"" ""Do you actually know what you've got there?"" ""A rusty old grinder," Jake was cross with the gamekeeper." "Let me explain: this gamekeeper used to be a devil himself." "But somehow he had a row with Lucifer and stayed among people." "He went with them to the pub and to meetings, and it rubbed off on him." "He started helping rather than hindering people." "You see, he was glad when he could do something to spite Lucifer." "A typical renegade." "And so he revealed to Jake, that the grinder is actually magic, and that it will grind for its owner anything his heart desires." "Only it has to be stopped in time, otherwise it keeps grinding." "And it won't stop till you say:" ""Eniky beniky what's ground is ground, enough!"" ""Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..."" ""Cheerio."" ""My pleasure."" ""Eniky beniky what's ground is ground, enough!"" ""What will we do with all of this, run around to all the neighbours, tell them to drop everything and come for a feast."" "The innkeeper put a note at the door: "No service today", and the priest did the same at the church, and everyone went to Jake's place for the feast." "NO SERVICE TODAY" "Mark came too, to stuff oneself for free, that doesn't come up often!" ""Cheers!"" ""Hello!" "Hello!" "Hello!" "Hello!"" "Time passed and the area changed beyond recognition." "The cottages were spick and span, gardens neat and tidy, cowsheds, troughs and tractors clean." "And no wonder." "When anyone needed anything, he went straight to Jake." "The grinder ground bricks, lime, rooftiles, fertilizer, well, just about everything, even the money for the doctor." "And so the whole district lived well." "People weren't nasty to each other, there was nothing to envy." "They had what they liked and they liked what they had." "VOTE JAKE" "Only Mark was eating his heart out and envied his brother." "Before, he had most of all." "Nobody had as much as him." "And now?" "His wife has left him and taken the child." "The farmhands have run away, Mark is alone, damn and blast..." "That night there was no moon." "GRINDING TODAY" "GRINDING TODAY FOR THE LAST TIME" "THANK YOU, GRINDER WE WON 11:0" ""Wait!" "A thief stole our grinder, but what if he kills you?" "What about our children?" "What about me?" "Don't we already have enough?" "Aren't we doing just fine?"" "A woman can sometimes see further than a man." "There is no denying it." ""Good night."" "By then, Mark was far away from the hamlet and he didn't stop till he got to the sea, to a harbour." "He got himself hired on a ship and imagined that somewhere far beyond the sea the grinder will grind for him enormous riches." "They were not even a full day at sea and it was time for lunch." "Mark is rolling food round in his mouth." ""It needs salt - haven't you got any?"" ""Forget about salt," says the captain, "way too expensive."" ""Well, I'll sell you some, cheap!"" ""Grinder, grind salt!"" ""Damn it, that's enough, I say!"" "But the grinder didn't understand." "It ground on." "The grinder grinds and grinds." "The salt spills from the cabin to the hold and keeps rising..." "and it reaches the deck!" ""Mamma mia!"" "Mark might have stolen the grinder, but he didn't know how to stop it." ""Hey!" "You can't leave me here!"" ""Don't take him, one devil owes him to another."" "The captain did think it strange that a pipe could puff and speak, but when a ship is going down, it's a bit of a scramble." "So he obeyed the pipe and they left Mark behind." ""You villains, come back!"" "What became of Mark I do not know, but the grinder keeps grinding salt, it grinds and grinds and nobody can stop it." "Only Jake can, but he doesn't know about it and very rarely does he remember his bad brother." "And as long as that grinder keeps grinding, the sea will be salty." "Three Sisters and One Ring" "It was Easter." "A sweltering Easter." "Few people could remember such heat at Easter time." "The town was swarming with people, the market was buzzing, old grannies were selling the first mushrooms." "Before noon the three sisters had sold all their Easter eggs." ""How much did you make this year?" "Eight pieces."" ""Eight pieces?" "Me too!" "And you as well." "What a coincidence."" ""We are sisters, aren't we?" "Well, lets have another glass."" ""Tankard you mean," Mary laughed." "So they had themselves another three beers." ""So, how exactly does my man blow off the foam..." Bara mused." "And for a while they couldn't drink for all the laughing." "Bara was the first to down her drink and catch her breath." ""Those men of yours, they didn't even teach you how to drink beer."" ""Your man is as good as ours and that's not saying much."" ""They are brothers, aren't they?" Tilda headed straight for the bar." "The time was passing delightfully." "Well, why wouldn't it, since each had something juicy about her husband to tell her sisters, the beer was flowing nicely and the tap was so near." "Finally they stood up clumsily and the world spun around them." "As soon as they had finished helping one another with the empty baskets, they set out for home." ""What will you tell your husband?" "Well, there'll be hell to pay."" ""Girls, something has to happen." "Now." "My man helped paint those eggs, I meant to buy him a hat..."" ""Something will happen, it has to, I'm telling you, it must!"" ""And what do you think should happen?" "A miracle?"" ""And why not?"" ""Let me sit down here on the grass for a bit."" ""What's that I sat on?"" "A ring with a ruby the size of a plum circled by little pearls." "They looked, they studied it, they tried it on:" ""It is real gold!"" ""No doubt the powers above are replacing what we drank."" ""But how shall we divide it?" "How?" "I'd split it three ways."" ""How do you propose to split one ruby three ways?"" ""If we try to sell it, the cops will ask where we got it."" ""Tell them it's a miracle." "Cops believe in miracles?" "!"" ""They don't, but you know they are dumb."" "Laughing again, it occurred to them the ring should go to the one who will make the biggest fool of her husband." "And they ran home whooping with joy." "Tilda hopped into the cloister and burnt the churchwarden's ear till he gave her the abbot's best robe, the crozier and gloves." "At home Tilda sat William in a tub of hot water and, scrubbing his back, she spoke fast and clever." ""You know, I had to grease a few palms." "Cost me a whole 8 pieces." "But they all agreed that you will be the new archbishop!"" ""Well, who agreed?" "Prelates, provosts, deacons..."" ""It's money thrown away." "You know I'm antiq...arti...anticlerical!"" ""It doesn't matter, wait till you are archbishop and then resign." "That'll show them!"" ""Hahahaha, well, that would show them, you are right." "Damn, hold on!" "I don't have the Latin!"" ""It'll come." "Get dressed and wait in the pantry for the Holy Ghost." "He'll descend on you and you will read, write and speak Latin." "And close your eyes, you'll get soap in them."" "What man would not like to save the world, when all it takes is a robe and bad reading and writing." ""How will he, I mean, how will that ghost find me?"" ""You will shout 'Alas, sinners, alas!" "' That will alert him."" "Mary's home was the nearest." ""What's new?" she asked in a barely audible voice." ""Oh, nothing." "Flanders is threatening to invade the Flemish and the Flemish are threatening Flanders with invasion." "And that bey they thought had drowned, the one they said burnt down the minaret, well, he didn't drown but burnt alive." "Then they pulled a different bey from the Bosporus, drowned, but now they don't know who he could be, this one." "And at home everything is fine."" "Mary says nothing." "Her silence confuses Hubert." ""Something the matter with you?" "No, I'm fine."" "He knew immediately something was wrong." ""So what's wrong with you?"" "Hubert wondered whether he had, God forbid, screwed up somehow, did something he was not supposed to do, or vice versa, but he couldn't think of anything." ""You'd sit by the radio all day," began Mary slowly," ""what's going on in the world, that's what matters to you most."" "She shifted up a gear:" ""The eye is the heart to the soul, no, the window of the heart - do help me, you know what I want to say!"" "Hubert offered to run for some eye-drops, since it's her eye." "But it turns out he doesn't understand his wife, he doesn't sense, he can't even see that she is ill, that she barely made it home, and had to spend eight pieces, all her money, to get advice in the town" "from a pill peddler, on how to get rid of her complaint." ""Off to bed and sweat it out!" "Exactly the wrong thing to do!"" ""Well, what then?" "Tell me, honey, speak to me, darling!"" ""Don't call me darling, damn it!" "Come on, then, woman!"" "Well, she says, the pill peddler said if he - meaning her husband - would get a healthy tooth pulled out and she grinds it to powder" "and drinks it with milk, she'd be fit as a fiddle." "Without a word he turned and left the house." "Mary stood and listened." ""Mortar and pestle." "Start pounding."" ""Why are you so rash, couldn't you wait?" "I haven't finished." "It was supposed to be a front tooth." "Upper right."" "Again without a word he left." "There was a howl from outside, a longer and sadder howl." ""Don't say I never do anything for you!" "Bloody hell, it hurts!"" "She advised him to strip naked and run around the house, that should surely relieve any toothache." "And as she was grinding the tooth in the mortar it occurred to her that maybe she had overdone the whole thing just a little." "And she dumped the powdered tooth into a flowerpot." "When Bara got home, John was still harrowing in the field." "She changed into a black dress, her Sunday best." "She looked good." "The daylight was bowing out, following the sun, leaving candle light which so becomes women of ample proportions." "John was just coming back." "She heard him wash at the pump and then here he was." ""So how did we do?" "What's up?" "What's happening?" "Why just one plate on the table?" "Aren't you going to eat?"" ""Why shouldn't I eat?" "I will..." "I."" ""So why just one plate?" "How can I explain this, John." "I am having dinner - not you." "I am curious to find out why!"" ""Because the dead don't eat." "What are you saying, Bara dear, have you been to the cinema!" "John, have you forgotten?" "Last night you left us in tears." "You died."" ""Died?" "Me?" "You mean I died, yeah?" "Come on, take off that fancy dress and what's underneath and I'll show you how I died!" "You never saw a dead man more alive!"" ""Brr, brr, you are cold, terribly cold!" "My dear John, what bothers you so much you can't rest in peace?" "Lie down on the board, dear, do not torment your widow."" ""Enough of this nonsense!" "Watch this!"" ""Damn it, I can do all this, so am I dead or am I not?"" ""Ask the neighbours if you don't believe me." "But be careful not to scare them to death!" "Right, I will."" ""You were right." "I went to see my brother." "He was in the pantry with a book shouting: 'Alas, sinners, alas!" "'" "I didn't even know he was that fond of me - good old fellow!"" ""Damn it, Bara, you'd better change in the other room."" ""Lie down, John, don't be naughty."" ""Hmm, pity; we could have had some fun." "Anyhow." "What time is the funeral?" "I don't want to oversleep."" ""That's none of your concern, dear, you are sleeping forever now!"" ""Amen!"" "Next day Bara scrubbed the cart, loaded John wrapped in a curtain, and headed to the cemetery next to St. Charles' church." "Everyone who could, picked stones to stop the cart sliding." "At first the dead man watched from the cart, then he sat up and started pointing at stones." "In all that furore nobody noticed at first." "But when he got off, an old granny spoke to him and suddenly noticed she was talking to the corpse." "The children immediately spread the story around." ""Alas, sinners, alas!"" "And so they met: one dead man, one naked and one fake abbot." "Three brothers at the foot of a hill next to an overturned cart." "Further up their three wives:" "Tilda, Mary and Bara." "Then one of the brothers laughed..." "and then one of the sisters... and after that all of them." "They roared with laughter till their insides shook, till they were worn out and had to rest for a while." "So all in all it ended on a happy note, only it's not known which of the three sisters made the biggest fool of her husband." "I myself wouldn't dare to decide." "You try!" "The Hunchbacks of Damascus" "Under the rule of the noble and wise Khalif Wattik-Bilah, grandson of the most illustrious and wise Khalif Arun el Rasheed," "Allah saw fit to send down a black pestilence on Damascus." "There was not a family that was not in mourning for someone." "Worst affected was the sword-maker Behemrillah." "Of his thirteen sons ten died within a single month." "Where until recently could be heard youthful laughter, deadly silence reigned." "Only the blows of hammers on steel blades were heard as the 3 remaining brothers worked on in silence." "And they were strange brothers." "Hunchbacks, all three of them." "The oldest was Inad." "The youngest Babekan." "The middle one was named Syahook." "All were skilled sword-makers." "The children taunted them." "A boy called Murad, the only child of a rich merchant, surpassed all the riff-raff in malice and filthy language." "That day Murad was bursting with spite. "Hey, you weedy monsters!" "Even death despised you so much that it refused to touch you?" "Anyway, it was you who infected the whole city with your breath." "Don't dribble on your hammer, you crook-back, you pumpkin on chicken legs, you donkey dressed in a burnous, you blood sausage without a skewer..." "I wonder what you are hiding in that hump, you limping dromedary!"" "And that was the straw that broke the camel's back." ""Come on!" "So tell me, which one of you did it?" "Hurry up, the heat in here is suffocating." "Which one of you?"" "They called in the eyewitnesses." ""Yeah, yeah, he did stab him, but which one of them?" "It must have been one of them, but was it this one or that one?"" "So the Khalif ordered them to be expelled from Damascus for ever." ""Can you see what I see?" "Well, what do you see?"" ""I see a limping, ugly hunchback with one eye." "A sight to arouse pity." "Now you two lean over." "Now you can see the pitiful creature three times!" "That is not a sight for sympathy any longer, but ridicule." "We have to separate."" "So they each went their own way." "Babekan wandered around Syria, but fortune was not on his side." "Till he got to Baghdad." "There lived Nahoud, a knife-maker, an intensely jealous man." "Moreover, he was a drunkard." "Babekan was looking for work and Nahoud took him on." "No need to be jealous of an ugly hunchback, he thought." "And then, when he saw all the things Babekan could do, he started taking advice from him:" "the knife-maker became a sword- maker and the business flourished." "And Nahood drank like there was no tomorrow." "Babekan then married Nahoud's widow." "The widow confided in him what she had kept from her husband, that she knows how to distil spirits from fermented dates." "Weapons and spirits are the most lucrative trades in the world." "It's no wonder Babekan became one of the richest men in Baghdad." "His brother Syahuk and his brother Inad heard about it and they nearly bumped into one another, right there in Baghdad in front of Babekan's workshop and distillery." ""Didn't we agree never to meet again?" "Wasn't it enough what befell us in Damascus?"" "He paid each of them 50 gold pieces and the very same evening escorted them by the shortest route out of Baghdad." ""50 gold pieces is a lot of money, but compared with the wealth that Allah has showered on Babekan, it is not much."" ""Not much you say?" "I say it's very little."" ""And I say it's almost nothing." "It's a pittance!"" ""An insult!" "Miserly bastard!"" ""Let's go back and refuse to leave until he gives us more."" ""He'll be only too glad to give us mooooore..."" "Next day just after midday they were in front of Babekan's shop, looking forward to Babekan rushing out of the house," "pulling them inside and gladly raising their extortion money." "But he didn't rush out, he'd gone away." "He was due back in 12 days." "His wife told them this after she kindly invited them in." ""Open up!" "Open up!"" ""It's Babekan!" "He'll kill us!" "To the cellar, quickly!"" ""You are lucky that you didn't have a man here." "I missed the caravan, you didn't count on that, I bet!"" "His wife knew all about those missed caravans." "He sometimes liked to return suddenly out of jealousy." "Almost all the next day Babekan spent sleeping and lying around." "Towards evening he got dressed to go out with a friend." ""What's going to happen..." "what's going to happen..."" "She got Hassan, the strongest and stupidest porter in Baghdad." "She told him a beggar had come and had had a stroke." ""Put him in a sack and throw him into the Tigris."" ""Will you give me four gold pieces?"" ""Here's two and when it's done you will get the other two."" ""You blunderbus!" "Look, he came back." "You didn't do it right."" ""I did do it right, ma'am, but he must be some slippery eel." "I'll fling him far from the bank."" ""You" " I'll show you, you undrownable wretch!"" ""You won't be seeing him again," laughed Hassan when he came back." ""Murderer, murderer!" "That was my husband!"" ""What else will you come up with so you don't have to pay me?" "!"" ""I'll call the officer, I'll have you quartered, you murderer!"" ""She won't pay and now she threatens me, that's a bit rich!" "So come on, you'll swim as well, you toad!"" ""Drop that woman!"" "The man ordered Hassan to follow him." "They went to the fishermen and bought the first catch." ""Is the third one ready?"" ""Mmm... yes."" "He ordered Hassan to carry the sacks." "The tall dark man was the noble and wise Khalif Wattik-Billah, grandson of Arun el Rasheed." "He wanted to check the catches and see whether the prices matched the fishermen's efforts." ""Your sabre, I'll chop their heads off or they'll keep breeding!"" "Hassan fell asleep for a while." "When he came round, he told them the whole story and the Khalif was highly entertained." "Then they called the doctor." ""These two are completely drunk, this one not quite as much." "They'll pull through." "That will be 50 gold pieces."" "The doctor realised his blunder and took 5 gold pieces." "While the hunchbacks slept, the Khalif had robes made for them the same in every detail." "They lined up in front of him." "Khalif thought whoever saw one didn't need to see the other two." "Whoever saw the other two didn't need to see the third." "Or, whoever met one three times, would think he had met them all, one after another, or the first twice and then the third..." "The Khalif sent for Babekan's wife." ""Pick out your husband!"" ""Right, we'll try it this way:" "Babekan, hug your wife!"" "Babekan obeys, but his brothers out of revenge do as he does." ""Enough, enough, I say that's enough!"" "The Khalif wipes away the tears, gasps a little, is a bit ashamed of losing control in a manner unworthy of a Khalif." ""So... take Babekan and give him a thousand tasty lashes!"" ""Why?" "What have I done?"" ""You drove your brothers away." "You denied your common blood!"" ""Not common blood, sir, common ugliness, common misery!"" ""All is the will of Allah." "He made you as he meant you to be."" ""He didn't mean it, sir, Allah was just joking." "He wanted to create something to bring a smile to his face." "But when he stood us side by side, he saw that the laughter we evoke by our hideousness does not serve people well." "For it is the fools and the wicked that laugh the most."" ""That's a bold speech, sword-maker, but not unwise."" ""We'll try to solve it ourselves, under the watchful eye of Allah..." "I'll marry your brothers off to good and rich wives." "Then you'll take them on as your partners." "When you are the richest and the finest weapon-makers in my realm, people will forget you were once the most wretched of all mortals." "Perhaps... perhaps another of Allah's little jokes."" "Tom Thumb" "It was known throughout the region that the cobbler and his wife from that little cottage near the two alders had no children." "Experienced people gave them advice, many an old granny brewed them all sorts of teas, the priest prayed for them," "the road-mender's brother in law who had gone off to sea, sent an amulet all the way from Shangri-la - but to no effect." "But then one day a gypsy woman advised the cobbler's wife to buy a mug for four pennies, and to breathe in it three times." "The cobbler's wife did not put much faith in that, so she was greatly surprised when a baby boy was born." "I say boy, but he was a teensy fellow, no bigger than a thumb." "And so he became known as Tom Thumb." "He was as lively as he was small." "Once he told his mother he would take lunch to his daddy out in the fields." ""You couldn't even carry it!"" ""I didn't say I'd carry it, I said I'd take it."" "Father was puzzled to see the basket bumping over the field and even more puzzled when he spotted who was behind it." ""Lunch!"" "Before eating he lifted Tom up so the plough wouldn't go idle." "Tom Thumb whispered orders and the mare ploughed like the wind." "This was noticed by a nicely and expensively dressed gentleman who happened to be passing along the road." "He said he would buy that horse, for he had never seen a horse plough like that and turn and back up all by itself." "The cobbler laughed and told him how things actually were." "Now he was really astonished." "So he says he'll buy that little fellow, how much does he want?" "The cobbler says no, and the gentleman says he must have him, that he'll pay 2000 gold Swiss franks." "Two thousand franks!" ""No, no, blood is blood, a son is a son, you don't sell that."" "No, no, no, no." "The cobbler won't sell, no way." "Tom Thumb climbed up on the old man's shoulder and said:" ""Just sell me, I'll come back to you, don't you worry."" "For a while it looked like that was the end of the story." "It wasn't." "The path that the gentleman and Tom Thumb took led through the territory of Frank Scarface and his gang." "They ambushed the gentleman and demand everything he has." "The gentleman explains that he has nothing." ""A well dressed man never starts out without money," says Frank." ""I didn't start out without money," the gentleman retorts," ""only I ended up without any, because I spent it all."" ""Pull the other one!" "This isn't a game!" "We are robbers!" "There isn't a place in the region where you could spend a crumb." "How much did you have?" "How much did you spend?"" ""I had 2000 gold Swiss franks." "I spent them all." "I do not regret it, though," answered the gentleman." ""Can I have my clothes back?" "We'll kill you naked." "We won't tarnish your nice clothes, they'll come in handy."" ""What did you spend the money on?" "That I will never tell you."" ""I have killed many a liar, sir, but none as big as you."" ""Me!" "He bought me!" "He is not a liar!"" "For a moment the robbers froze." "But then Scarface laughed, then the men, one louder than the next, heads thrown back, they laughed and roared and hollered." "In that ruckus the gentleman picked up his hat and tiptoed into the bushes." "Again you could say that was the end of the story, but it wasn't." "When Scarface had laughed enough at that tiny person, he realised how useful such a wee fellow could be." "That very same night they set out with Tom Thumb to the Red Bucket, which was a tavern and a brothel infamous far and wide." "It was late night when they pushed Tom Thumb through a cellar window to pour them some wine and liquor and neatly pass it out to them." "In this world a lot of stupid people pretend to be clever." "Of the clever ones, of whom there is a shortage, only the most clever pretend to be stupid, and Tom Thumb, although very young, knew this and used it." "As soon as he was in the cellar, he was willingness personified:" ""Riesling or Bulls Blood?" he shouted in a piercing voice." ""Be quiet!" "Mosel?" "Damn it!" "Shush!"" ""They have Burgundy, Mavrud, Monte Castigliano and this one I can't read." "Red?" "Or white?"" ""Whatever." "Shush, pass the wine!"" ""Southern Moravian green?" "Damn and blast, you little twerp!" "You runt, you nit, you measly midget, you whipper-snapper!" "Just you wait till you get back!"" "Then a mighty bang in the cellar, and shattering glass, that all caused the tavern owner, a hulk of a guy, to wake up." ""Hmm, rats," thought the hulk." ""Hmmm, must buy some traps."" "He banged shut the cellar door and went off to bed." "Tom Thumb crept under the door and out!" "It started to rain." "When it stops, he'll go on." "But!" "There is always a 'but' that changes the course of events." "The 'but' was Scarface, hiding and waiting for the rain to stop." "He grabbed Tom Thumb like a dog grabs a bone." "Scarface made holes in a tin and plopped it over Tom Thumb." "Then he called his men for a meeting." "They try to decide how to punish Tom Thumb for his treachery." "One wants to dip him in honey, hang him by his foot from the ceiling, and catch flies with him." "Another to press him like a leaf and make him into a bookmark." "One suggests tying him to a cat's tail and setting a dog on him." ""We should have crushed him!"" ""You always only crush things, you fool!" "Stop blabbering!"" "Suddenly Scarface speaks up:" ""This is what I propose:" "we'll put him in a box and send it to... three guesses to the Snow Glutton!" "The Snow Glutton!"" ""Yes, to the Snow Glutton!" "He'll sort him out!" says Scarface." "They all agreed, rolled out a barrel of rum and started drinking to celebrate their cleverness and revenge." "Tom Thumb was sitting under the tin and heard it all." "Tom Thumb felt like crying, but he didn't." "The Snow Glutton lived high up shrouded by clouds." "There he lived, covered in thick fur, ginger from head to toe, with his wife and daughters, hairy and ginger just like him." "He was far bigger than the biggest of men." "He had seven league boots, that Snow Glutton, that took him high and low searching for lichen and moss." "Rarely did he venture down to the valley and when he did, it was only to scare the shepherds." "When he took a fancy to someone, then it was bad news." "He'd hurl him against a tree, bite off his fingers and eat his eyes." "It was not from hunger, rather that Snow Gluttons believe it will improve their sense of touch and sight." "A terrible beast!" "On a table in front of that terrible beast lay a tiny box." ""It was in front of the house," says the Snow Gluttoness." ""Who put it there?" "The one with the razor!"" ""You didn't bite off his fingers?" "He had a razor!"" ""He wouldn't have got away from me," he muttered and opened the box." ""Aren't you an itsy bitsy thingy!" "I've been ill for a long time!"" "In fright, the whole family ducked under the table." ""Don't you gawp at me or I'll kick you in the eye!"" "The small often fear the big, but it's well worth considering, that the big are almost always afraid of the tiny." "So it took a while before the giants regained their courage." "But what to do with Tom Thumb?" ""It's hardly a decent mouthful,"" "thinks the Snow Glutton." ""Teensy fingers?" "Weensy eyes?" "I'd have to swallow a magnifying glass first!"" ""What about..." says the wife, "...those little thingies?"" ""Dwarfs?" "No, not dwarfs!"" ""Ah, you mean dimi... dimi..." "Not dimi dimi!" "Mini... mini..." "Who were you talking about who collects those, ah, miniatures?" "That he would give I don't know what for them?"" ""You mean our ruler, the Great Snowman." "You are brilliant!"" "And he gave the Gluttoness a great big smacker." "It smacked so loud that in the valley people shut their windows assuming that a blizzard was coming down their way." "He pulled on his boots, grasped his wife, daughters and Tom." "The first stride - seven leagues, the second stride - 10 leagues, the third 40, and strides turned into leaps and leaps into flight." "And here they are." "On the roof of the world, in the palace of the Great Snowman." "The Snowman threw a feast of rare moss, lichen and edelweiss, he took Tom Thumb to his museum, where he would live from now on." "He had there a great collection of miniatures, the whole Koran written on a wild cherry stone, a cannon fuelled by one grain of gunpowder, and other wonders." ""Amongst all these treasures you will be my greatest treasure." "My only living miniature," with that he concluded the tour." ""And when I die?" "!"" "The giant grew sad. "I'll erect the tiniest tombstone ever."" ""Hm, hm, that won't make me a living miniature." "I'll tell you what." "If I marry and have children, they will survive me, and they'll be even smaller than me!" "Can you imagine a baby by me?"" ""I wish I could pat you on the back." "But I'd squash you." "By the way, would you like to be my advisor?"" ""With pleasure," says Tom Thumb, "but first I must find a bride."" ""Alas, we can't possibly find such a tiny lady-giant here."" ""Ha ha, at home we have no end of them," says Tom Thumb." "He reminded the Great Snowman of the seven league boots." ""Those magic boots, you know, they shrink to fit any foot, make him lend them to me." "I'll be back with a bride in a jiffy."" "The Snow Glutton squirmed a bit and made excuses, and offered to take Tom Thumb in his fist." ""As your advisor I must declare that I don't recommend this!"" "Each time the Great Snowman was about to agree to something," "Tom Thumb looked at him and cried: "I do not recommend that."" ""I do not recommend that."" "And thus only what Tom Thumb recommended actually happened." "They put the boots on his feet, Tom Thumb took off and in no time at all the giants all looked like dwarfs to him." "I guess it depends from what height one looks at things." "At home - bedlam." "Mother was tearful, father held his head unable to deal with the thoughts going round in his head." "Till today they thought Tom is somewhere with that gentleman, and that he's doing well." "And that's why he hasn't written." "Until today that blow." "Two messengers from the king saying they'd caught the robbers who had confessed everything, to where and to whom they had dispatched Tom Thumb." "At once the king sent an army to overcome the Snow Glutton." "But he was gone and Tom was nowhere to be found." "He must have come to a sticky end." "And into all this out of the blue Tom Thumb arrives." "Father's head emptied of worry and filled with joy." "Mum stopped weeping from misery and wept with happiness." "Before Tom Thumb had told them everything, dusk was falling." "It occurred to father that by this time the messengers must have reached the king with news that was now out of date." ""Oh well, it doesn't matter," says Tom, "I'll sort it out."" "The king was startled." "But Tom Thumb even more so." "For it was the gentleman who had set him on his hat, and whom Scarface had stripped naked." "When they got over the shock, Tom had to recount his adventures." "Before he had finished, the birds were welcoming in the dawn." ""Well, we better be off to bed." "You go home, Tom Thumb, and I'll visit you tomorrow."" "And the king came." "He brought gifts and even ordered two new pairs of high boots." "He put Tom on his shoulder and spoke to him at great length." "Then Tom Thumb whispered in his ear, they shook hands on it, and since that moment Tom Thumb became the royal emissary." "Whenever the king needed news, e.g. about the war in Hispania, he sent Tom Thumb who brought back a quick and truthful report." "And he kept doing it until his boots wore out." "Tom Thumb would hardly earn his living today." "Not that telephone and television supersede his teleboots, but that Tom Thumb would be too small for these great times." "He was just the right size." "For his times and for this fairy tale." "THE END"