" Oh my Lord." " It's not what you think." "I don't think anything, I just change the beds" "It's hair dye, see, it's hair dye." "Look, look I'm sorry about the mess... but you have to understand I'm not TRAINED for this kind of thing." " Are they still out there?" " Who?" "Who?" "SLOW" " Last chance." " What?" "Oh." "I just can't, Murphy." "Sure you can." "You get in my car, we drive to your place, pick up your clubs and some clothes... and we're in Palm Springs by 8:30" " Ha, if only it were that simple." " It *is* that simple." "You see, you got it all backwards." "It's the *men* who are supposed to work too hard and die young." "It's the weekend, Laura." "You know, if a guy hadn't known you so long and didn't like you so much.... and wasn't so sure you'd never lie to him... he could convince himself you didn't want to go, taxes or no taxes" "But you *do* know me, and you *do* like me." "and you know I wouldn't lie to you." "Right." "See you Monday, Laura." " Murphy?" " Have fun." "No crowds of troubled clients clamoring for my services?" "It's Friday." "People'd rather bowl." "See you on Monday." "Oh, and don't get lost on the freeway." "Miss Wolfe!" "Hey, give a girl a break, will ya?" "May I ask what it is you are doing in my bathroom?" "Forget it, it's dry enough." " Is it 6 o'clock yet?" " Why?" "What happens at 6 o'clock?" "Come 6 o'clock, all these offices are gonna open up and empty out... and all the bars and restaurants on the ground floors of all these high-rises..." "They're going to fill up with people hungry to bury themselves... in anything but what they do for a living" "They'll buy each other drinks... tell each other pretty lies, and hope the spell doesn't break before dinner." " Is that a fact?" " Yeah." "If you get lucky, it lasts until Monday." "Oh, that's wonderful, if you're satisfied with managing one's love life.... like a game of chance." "I prefer the tried-and-true method one makes a date and casts a spell of one own." " Which reminds me." "Gayle called." " Excellent case in point." "Been planning this evening for weeks." "Front-row center for the Bolshoi, dinner at Andre's, a leisurely drive back to my place..." "She said she was sorry she had to cancel." "Something about the croup." " Look at you." " What?" "Tell me that briefcase is just for show, a little prop to intimidate the hired help." "You don't really plan on spending your weekend cuddled up with all that paperwork, do you?" "Now it's not that I don't think your concern is *genuine*.... or your motives *pure*... but would you mind skipping ahead and telling me where we're going with this." " You look exhausted." " *Really*." "Thank you." " You know what my suggestion would be?" " I shudder to think." "A night on the town away from the pressures from work." "You and me on, on, on a date?" "Boggles the mind, doesn't it?" "Sounds *wonderful*." "It will be wonderful." "And just when can I expect all this wonderfulness to happen?" " Actually, I was thinking about tonight." " Tonight." " I don't think there is a moment to lose." " It's 5:45." "You wait until 5:45 on a *Friday* night to ask ME out?" "Let me guess, Sheila has the mumps." "*Susan* got hit by a car." "Mary, measles." "Doris, diphtheria." "Gayle, croup." "What difference does it make so long as you're free." "Oh, what in the world makes you think that I'm free?" "It's *Friday* night, FRIDAY NIGHT." " Big plans, have we?" " Yes." "As a matter of fact I do." "Look." "You can think what you want." "but this briefcase is a *very* small part... of what I expect to be a VERY full weekend." "Am I correct in assuming tonight's off?" "Lock up when you leave." "Marie?" "Ah, you're back." "It's hard to believe that two such beautiful women...... could work together on one small jumbo jet." "Tell me, is Deidra there?" "..." "Thank you." "Deidra?" "Just got off the 'phone with Misha and you'll never guess who fell into two front row centre seats for the..." "Bolshoi." "Deidra?" "There's a man standing in my office holding a hat rack." "Hmm." "Let me get back to you." "I'd ask you to take a seat but you've already helped yourself to some furniture." "Are you Remington Steele?" "That all depends on how you feel towards Mr.." "Steele." " Who is it?" " Steele." "I thought I made it very *plain* I have *plans* for tonight." "I'm going OUT." "YES, you made it very plain but I have someone here who *urgently* needs *our* help and I promise if.... you've ever encountered a more *desperate* creature in your life..." "I shall LEAVE in an instant" "Hello Miss Holt." "My name is Sheldon Quarry." "H-h-hold on, just one minute." "Come in, come in." "What happened to him?" " It seems people are trying to kill him." " People?" " What people?" " CIA." "It's hair dye" "The CIA?" "Why?" "A whim perhaps?" "The point is he wants *us* to stop them." "But why us?" "Apparently we have the background for the job." "Perhaps we should caucus in the other room." "If you'll excuse us." " "What background?"." " Seems Sheldon works for the CIA." "Several days ago men started following him and people started *shooting* at him so he ran and who did he run to?" "To none other than that famous ex-CIA agent..." "Remington Steele." "Oh my." "He must have read about you in the papers, all that, vague reference to secret missions.... all that *gop* about government service" "Yes, all that gop." "Now what are we going to do about it?" "Mr. Quarry?" " Sheldon." " Sheldon." "*What* would you say... if I told you that Mr. Steele *never* had anything to do with the CIA?" "Miss Holt." "Uhm." "Let me explain something to you." "Down at the CIA, I worked in IR:" "That's information retrieval." "At, at the company I'm known as the answer man." "Wanna know how much wheat was harvested in the Ukraine in 1963?" "I, I know that." "Wanna know how many MiGs can land on the Island of Baba off Cuba?" "I know that too." "Wanna know who was Miss Reingold of 1957?" "I'm the guy, the answer man, that's me." "So, *don't* try and tell me... that things are not as I already know them to be." "I ran a thorough check on you..." "And you have no birth certificate.... no fingerprints on record, no records of *any* kind" "And you want me to believe that he wasn't with the company?" "Well, I guess you have us there Mr. Quarry." "Sheldon." "Can we caucus?" "What the *hell* are you doing?" "WHAT did you want me to say?" ""I'm sorry Mr. Quarry, you're *wrong*." "Remington Steele *can't* help you because there *is* no Remington Steele"." "Obviously there's been some kind of mistake, he needs some help." "Someone to *contact*, whoever it is that you contact in a situation like this and..." "And, and, and, and, and what?" "These are secret agents we're talking about." "*Bombs* Poison darts." "Big fat guys with deadly hats they throw at your neck." "Uhm, I'm not interrupting am I?" "I just wanted to say... well uhm... that being here with you people... well it's the first time I've felt really safe in a long time." "What I mean to say is, ah..." "I haven't had a sound night's... sleep or a hot meal since Wednesday." "I..." "Sit." "Oh no, no, I didn't mean for you..." "No please don't do this on my account," "I, I don't want to be any trouble." "You eat this." "Thank you." "I'm supposed to get married tomorrow...." "To Lucille." "As a matter of fact..." "A decir verdad..." "I was on my way to my wedding rehearsal" "I was walking out of the agency... and I see one of my ushers:" "Lenny Palmieri." "and he's s...standing across the courtyard, right." "And he waves to me, ... , ... and he gives me a little nod like he like he needs a ride home and I say yeah." "and he beats me over to the car." "And he must have seen the tuxedo boxes on the... passenger seat because he walks around ... and grabs a hold of... the driver's door..." "First thing I see is... his body flying up in the air like... ah, like he was let out some jack-in-the-box or something." "And he was almost funny." "And then I hear the bang and..." "I see the fire" "and then the smell hits me." "Oh my God." "Oh Lucille." "She, she probably thinks I'm dead by now, or, or wishes I was." "You haven't called her?" "No." "I, I don't dare." "They, they'd have a trace on her in a second." "Well... there's not much we can do with regard to the CIA tonight." "But at least, let me put Lucille's mind at ease." "Ohh, gee Miss, Miss Holt..." "I'm really sorry that you have to break your date on my account." "Date?" "Oh, yes, my date." "Completely forgot about it in all the excitement." "Well...if you'll both excuse me" " private." " Yeah." "personal, you understand." "Ah yes, yes ah, this is Laura Holt." "I ordered a medium pizza to go about fifteen minutes ago." "Yes." "Yes, well cancel it." "Thank you." "Yes, what is it?" "I'm awfully sorry to bother you." "I'm looking for Lucille Seward." "Who is looking for Lucille Seward?" "I'm, my name is Laura Holt." "I'm a friend of Sheldon Quarry's." "Come in, please." "Alright." "Where is he?" " P-pardon me?" " Oh you, you're pardoned." "It's Sheldon that going to get the chair." "Do you know how many times I've cancelled the wedding rehearsal?" "Where the hell is he?" "Hasn't he ever heard of a 'phone?" "I even made room for him in my publishing business and how does he repay me?" "For four days, we're all worried sick." "I have a daughter who's hysterical." "I have 90 pounds of roast beef in the freezer." "Thirty pounds of shrimp..." "Oh no, excuse me, not shrimp, they're prawns." "They hit you for a dollar more a pound when they call them prawns makes them sound they all went to college." "I have all this food." "I have ice sculptures, centre-pieces ....." "Daddy." "Forgive him, he's an ass." " Lucille, I will not tolerate that..." " DADDY!" "It's the only way with him." "Is Sheldon really alright, where is he?" "Well, I'm afraid I can't tell you *that* but he's fine." "He's fine" "Lucille, you're supposed to be resting." "Isn't he a wonderful father?" "He loves us *best* when we're sedated." "I want to hear everything." "Well, I'm afraid, there's not a lot *tell* you." "Feels good to be clean again." "I ah, I found these clothes in Miss Holt's closest." "Lucky break huh?" "Men's clothing?" "Laura's closet?" "Lucky break indeed." "It must be great being Remington Steele." " It has its' moments." " Are you serious?" "I've wanted to be like you all my *life*." "Relax Sheldon." "Remember, you're only wearing a towel." "Huh." "All through school, you dream of being a hero." "Everybody laughs at you." "But, you keep telling yourself:" ""just wait until you grow up." "They'll be throwing tickertape at your parade."." "And then, finally, you do grow up." "Only there's no parade..." "No tickertape... and you finally realise that you're just not cut from... that particular bolt of cloth." "So you find a nice girl." "On Sundays you look at... sensible cars together." "Find yourself talking marriage and going into the family business and, oh well... you wouldn't understand about that." "That's what happens to the rest of us." "Excuse me." "Sheldon." "It occurs to me you have that backwards." "I mean..." "I know you think I lead an exciting life... and, yes, I suppose I do." "But don't you think it's rather like the tree falling in the forest?" "If there's no one there to hear it, it doesn't really make much noise" "now does it?" "Huh, an exciting life without someone to share it with..." "What I'm trying to say is, any time you'd like, I'd trade places with you." "What do you say?" "Sheldon?" "Do we have a deal?" "If I'm nice enough to say all this sugary slop... the least you can do is stay awake." "Well, are we going to have a wedding Saturday or not?" "We're certainly going to try" "Ah, that's most encouraging news I've had all week." " Mr. Seward?" " Yes?" "It's almost time for me to go." "Perhaps Lucille will take her medication now?" " Honey, let her give you your shot, will you?" " You won't forget." "You'll tell him what I told you?" "With any luck, the next time I see you... you'll be wearing your wedding dress." "Well... anything I can do for Sheldon..." "Huh." "She's my daughter." "She loves him." "Doesn't matter much what I think. does it?" "Excuse me." "Steak?" "Wine." "Hearts of Palm." "Certainly seem to appreciate the finer things." "Of course, what's the point of *buying* it if you have no one to share it with?" "They're onto us." "We've *got* to get out of here." "There are men's clothes in your bedroom closest." "Sheldon, time to get *up*." " Men's toiletries in your bathroom." " What are you talking about?" "I'm talking about men's bikini underwear" "I'm talking about a T-shirt, a T-shirt that says: "Bankers *do* it with interest"." "I can't believe it." "I'm chased through the canyons by Mario Andretti...." "I have to fight off the galloping gourmet to get a ride home...." "You can't believe it, how do you think I feel." "All this time not even knowing that you *live* with a man." "Mr. Steele, what is going on?" "They're onto us." "Our only chance is to keep going." " We'll rent a car." " Where's yours?" " Sitting at the supermarket." " The supermarket?" "Don't ask" "I'm ready." "You lived with a man who wears white belts?" "I am disappointed." "Finally..." "We're sleeping together." "Must make it a point to tell Murphy." " You would too." " Damn right." "He still doesn't trust me, does he?" "It's not you." "It's me." "He worries about me." "Worries..." "I'll get in too *deep*..." "And you'll be gone..." "And I'll be left..." "In too deep." "Murphy thinks that?" "He isn't the only one." "Ahh, I'll think I'll stretch my legs." "*Damn* it." "Wow, is he a man of action or what?" "I'm not sure I have an answer for that question." "TELEPHONE" " What are you doing?" " I'll tell you what I'm *not* doing." "I'm not driving in circles trying to elude people I don't know... who want to kill a nice little nebbish for reasons I don't even understand." "I'm also not about to sit in that car while Sheldon looks at me like..." "I'm Babe Ruth and George Washington all rolled ..." "Yes, information?" "I'd like the number of the Central Intelligence Agency." "*No*, that's not a residence." "It's nine o'clock." "Seven more hours and Lucille was supposed to become *Mrs.* Sheldon Quarry." "Oh Sheldon, seven hours is a long time." "Besides, Mr. Steele is on the 'phone with.... the agency now." "Really?" "Boy, would I *love* to see their faces... when they pick up the 'phone and hear:" ""This is Remington Steele"." "You and me both." "He'll fix everything." "He and my future father-in-law." "The two of them, they're just amazing." "You know he built that business of his up from scratch?" " It's publishing, right?" " No." "Foreign editions of American classics." "I mean it's such a great idea." "The whole world is in love with everything American." "You know, China opens up for western culture and *pow*." "He's right in there in front of everyone else." "Know what he's working on now?" "'Gone with the wind'." "Think about that." "In a year from now, you'll be able to go to China... and sit in park and turn to the Chinese fellow sitting next to you and say:" ""How about that Rhett Butler?"." "Yep." "They can't wait to see me again." "Just like old times." "Ah." "Central Intelligence Agency." "Hmph." "They're *listed* in the 'phone book." "Why shouldn't they have their name in a lobby?" "So tell me about this fellow you lived with." "Here we are." "Eugene Price Operations Director" "Steele?" "It's Saturday, the help's off." "Come on in." "Steele." "Lord, look at you" "How long's it been?" "Da-Nang, during the rainy season ..." " Look at you." " Good to see you too." "Sit, sit." " Ah, you and ahh..." " Laura." "Laura." "So this is Laura." "You're secretary?" " Assistant." " Associate." "Whatever." "Sit down." "Been reading about you." "Scoring all those big bucks in the private sector." " It's an... adequate living." " Remington, don't bull the bull artist." "Is he paying you enough?" "'Cause if he gives you any trouble you tell me." "I'll have him audited." " So." " So." "What brings you here Steele?" "Me?" "Here?" "Mmm, nothing in particular, just thinking about the good old days." "Da-Nang, the rainy season..." "Oh, uhm, you know who I ran into the other day, uhm ..." " Who?" " Shelley Quarry." "Remember Shelly Quarry?" "Information retrieval." " No." " Of course you do." " The answer man." " Never heard of him." " Do you know what time it is?" " Ah, it's a little after one." "I gotta run, folks." "I promised my kid I'd take him go-cart racing." "Great seeing you again, Steele." "Nice meeting you too, Laurie." " Laura." " Whatever." "Well, ahh ..." "Well, ahh ..." "Who's kidding who?" "Well?" "Did you straighten it out?" " It's all very confusing, Sheldon." " Confusing?" "What are you talking about?" "It's very simple, they're trying to kill me." "Here, wait a minute, wait a minute." "What happened up there?" "There's a man bent over our car." "That's Charlie Webb." "Shelly?" " Charlie?" " Shelly, NO!" "Don't you bull the bull artist." "*You* don't know me and *I* don't know you." "So before you go go-carting with your kid why don't you tell me why your people" " are trying to kill Sheldon Quarry?" "They're not" " Tell that to Charlie Webb." "He just got splashed all over the carpark trying to bomb our car." "He wasn't trying to *bomb* it." "He was probably trying to defuse one." " What?" " You heard me." "Is Webb dead?" " Sheldon?" " He's fine." "He's in the stairwell." "Look, I don't know where you people get your information.... but get it straight:" "No one here wants to kill Sheldon Quarry." "We were following him, that's all, trying to find out what the hell is going on." "Lenny Palmary dies getting into a car." "Now Webb." "How do you think that looks?" "I'll tell you how it looks." "It looks rotten." "It looks like little Sheldon had something going." "A *covert* operation." "Something I don't even know about...." "And I'm the Operations Director." "People are dying and I want to find out why." "You really *don't* know?" "We've been following him since Wednesday and the only thing we're sure about is the blonde." " Blonde?" "What blonde?" " The one that shot at him yesterday." "You don't *know* about the blonde?" "She was at Lucille's last night." "She was working there as a nurse." "At the house?" " Perhaps I should bring Sheldon in here." " Perhaps you should." "I want to ask you something." "I ran a small check on you after you called this morning." "Mister, who the hell are you?" "Don't you remember?" "Da-Nang, the rainy season?" " He's gone." " You sure?" "Do you think somebody took him?" " What time is it?" " 1:45." " I think he just left." " Left?" "Left us to go where?" "How much longer do I have to wait in here?" "I called the minister's house and they said he was on his way." "Honey, you know it's not easy trying to put a wedding back together in three hours." "Stay put, don't scream." "It's probably him right know." "I'll get it." " Reverend." " Mr. Seward." "Simon." "Simon Courtney." "Sheldon's best man." "I'm not too late, am I?" " I, I didn't know that Sheldon had a best man." " Well he does and here I am." "Now don't worry about a thing." "Just point me to wherever he is hiding and I'll take care of him myself." "He's behind the trellis in the far corner of the yard." "Trellis, yard, got it." "Nice to see you ... nice to see you ... excuse me, isn't it a lovely day for the wedding... absolutely splendid... oh you all look wonderful, wonderful ..." "hello, how are you Rachel?" ".. good to see you too ..." "hello George, hello, hello." "Naughty, naughty." "I've spent a day and a night trying to keep you alive and you sneak away without telling me." " What are you doing here?" " What do you mean what am I doing here?" "Why, I'm your best man and the name is Simon Courtney" "What are they doing here?" "This is Mr. Price from the CIA, which is not trying to kill you  and of course you know Laura." " Did you see her out here yet?" " No, but I haven't checked the house." "See who out here?" "This is *my* wedding you're messing up." "Sheldon." "Did a blonde woman try to take some shots at you yesterday?" "Well, yeah." "Well, she isn't employed by the CIA." " Well then *why* is she trying to kill me?" " I don't know." "but what I do know is she is going to try it again given the chance." "So, I'm afraid I can't allow you out there until she's found." "Patience." "Patience." "What the hell is the hang-up?" "The groom has to come out from behind the trellis before you start down the aisle." "Well get back out there and find out what the problem is." " Daddy took care of it." " Hah, that's a crock." "Hey, you're supposed to be out front." "Can't you hear the music?" "Mr. Price?" "Oh, I'm terribly sorry." " That's her" " John, the book." " Daddy, what are you doing, where are you going?" "what about my wedding?" "Shut up, Lucille." "Any heroes around here I don't know anything about?" "Very well then, enjoy yourselves." "Nobody tells my Lucille to shut up." "Let's get married." "So, Seward wasn't just exporting American fiction to China?" "Not really." "In every shipment of books there is a specially prepared *single* volume filled... with American computer technological sequence." "See?" "Price found this volume right before the blonde knocked him on the head." "Which brings us to the motive..." "Which would be obvious to a child of three." "Well, he didn't do it for the money" "He honestly believed that no one country should know more than any other." " Equality equals security." " Exactly." "You see, if everybody knows as much as everybody else.... then no one country can get the upper hand." " Knowledge is power." " Of course." "I just happened to be at the right place at the wrong time" "You see, when John found out that Lucille was going to marry a guy who worked for the CIA... well, he just naturally assumed that they were onto him." " Which of course they weren't." " Of course." "Uhm, so how does it feel to get married and become a hero in one fell swoop?" "Do you really think I'm a hero?" "I mean, do you *really* mean that?" "Oops, I've gotta go." "Isn't married life great?" "You know of course that he thinks you're the greatest thing since sliced bread." "How does that make you feel?" "It makes me feel... like dancing." " *What*?" " I mean it." "Now, tell me about this chap you lived with." "I don't believe it." "Oh boy." "*Ask* me how my weekend was." "Go on, no." "I tell you it was wonderful." "Laura, I'm worried about you." "I'm mean here you are, in exactly the same position I left you in Friday night." "Haven't you ever heard the expression 'all work and no play', huh?" "Laura, I'm serious." "I'm very concerned." "You gotta get out from behind that desk, you know." "Get out and take some chances, live a life for crying out loud." " I mean, you can't hide behind a desk forever." " Gotcha." "Good." "Oh, I didn't mean to come down on you quite so strong." "but it's for your own good." "Thanks, Murph." "You're welcome." "He's right, you know." "A little excitement... would do an awful lot of good." "You think so, huh?" "So, how was your weekend?" "Ooh, do you really want to know?"