"I always insist on wearing my hat from my cracker, don't I?" "I hate wearing my hat from me Christmas cracker." "It really annoys me." "Yeah, but I make you wear it." "You don't." "But, I want you to wear it this year, please." "I'm not wearing it." "Well..." "It just annoys me." "It gets me hot, flustered, and as I eat I can hear it rustle in me ears." "Russell?" "Yeah, I can, I can hear it..." "We don't have a Russell in our family." "The paper on the hat." "Oh, dear." "Well, what if I made, like, a woolen Christmas hat" "that doesn't rustle, would you wear that?" "No, thank you." "Would you not?" "There are..." "There are things about Christmas, about midnight mass on Christmas eve that I find unbearably emotional." "There are..." "There are Christmas carols or things that one hears traditionally at Christmas." "And, I..." "I tend not..." "I tend not to hear these anymore, try to avoid hearing them, because they..." "I find them painful." "I'm too easily touched." "But now The Twelve Days of Christmas..." "Twelve birds a-calling..." "How does the first line go?" "The first day of Christmas my true love sent to me" "And a partridge in a pear tree" "No, I can't remember that song." "On the 12th day of Christmas" "Oh, no." "First." "On the first day" "That's a good start, isn't it?" "Straight into the end." "Hang on, no." "It does start with the 1 2." "Countdown, isn't it?" "The first day of Christmas my true love sent to me" "A partridge in a pear tree" "A partridge in a pear tree." "What do you think that's symbolic of?" "Oh, I don't know, do I?" "Well, what..." "What..." "A partridge is in a pear tree?" "No idea." "I mean, look at the state of it." "Five gold rings..." "No, just a minute." "Ladies dancing, lords leaping." "No, no." "A partridge in a pear tree, I've no idea." "You're leaping..." "You're leaping ahead." "I don't know." "A partridge in a pear tree makes me think about good target practice, as you're trying to knock the partridge out of the pear tree." "That's what it conjures up." "Why would somebody want a partridge in a pear tree?" "A partridge in a pear tree, that's where partridges live, isn't it?" "ln a pear tree?" "Do you know where partridges..." "How many partridges..." "Do you know where partridges live?" "No." "Shut up then." "You have to take the man's word for it." "Whatever." "On the day of Christmas my true love gave to me" "A part of" "Oh, God." "Christmas, it's good 'cause it's a long holiday." "I don't have to worry about things for a few days." "Or rather I can worry about something different," "like meeting my family." "Well, in my family the habits are probably much the same as most families at Christmas." "And they involve" "the large belly habit followed by the large tumbler of alcoholic beverage habit, followed by the huge argument habit, followed by the early bed habit, and the indigestion habit, and then the, "Oh, God we've got to be here" ""for another four days" habit, and "Why did you buy me all this crap?" habit." "On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me" "Two turtle doves" "And a partridge in a pear tree" "The doves..." "I don't know what that's got to do with it." "Doves, doves, doves." "There are supposed to be two doves." "You take one and that is supposed to bring you good luck when the two doves come together and all that..." "I mean, you've seen stories on the telly about it." "I don't know." "Yeah, it's supposed to be true, if you..." "A dove is supposed to be good luck." "That's what they reckon." "Yeah." "On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me" "Oh, sorry, I had to cut it." "Two turtle doves." "Some type of weird genetic experiment..." "Gone wrong." "I don't know, a dove and a turtle mixed together in some laboratory." "I don't know." "See, the two doves makes me think of target practice..." "I hadn't realized I was so psychopathic, really." "Two doves conjures an image of peace, of Christmas." "Two white doves sitting in a tree, that's lovely, isn't it?" "On the third day of Christmas my true love said to me" "Three" "French hens, two turtle doves" "And a partridge in a pear tree" "Three French hens." "Well, they're just hens that are French, aren't they really?" "Right, but I don't see the relevance." "That wouldn't be so good." "Three elephants, would it?" "I said "relevance" not "elephants."" "Oh, right." "And what do you think French hens are?" "Do you have any idea at all?" "Whatever." "Three French hens?" "Are they in the tree?" "Yes." "Well, they've flown from France a long way." "And they're not The Three Wise Men?" "No." "Or they might be." "I don't know." "Sorry?" "You know, it's difficult to know though, isn't it?" "I know." "How did The Three Wise Men know that the North Star was gonna lead them to something special?" "Well, the North Star is there, isn't it?" "It's there." "It's there." "But go find it." "Go find it." "Go follow it." "Find it." "Where is it gonna take you?" "The Three Kings brought gifts to the baby Jesus." "Yeah, frankincense, gold and myrrh." "Yeah." "Not PlayStation, iPod and..." "I don't know." "I can't think of a third one." "What are The Three Kings?" "I don't know." "On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me" "Four calling birds, three French hens" "Two turtle doves" "And a partridge in a pear tree" "With lots of roast potatoes" "Now, if you opened the door and there was four birds calling, you'd say, "Who sent you?"" "Yeah, I mean..." "Yeah." "Yeah." "I couldn't..." "I couldn't say..." "I haven't got a clue really what that's all about, that song." "And they'd say, "Well, your true love sent us round." ""We're just calling, to see if you're okay." ""lf everything's all right at Christmas, do you need anything?"" "I mean, we never took the time out to look at it." "I mean, that's the trouble with life, isn't it?" "You..." "There's so much to do and there's so much to know." ""Do you want anything?"" "So..." "That's what that's about." "Four birds calling..." "And, the thing is..." "I mean, even these people that know everything, there's so much more they don't know about..." "When they get higher up in the song it's, like, sort of, you know, so many drummers drumming and things like that." "I mean what's that all about?" "I mean, it could be anything, couldn't it?" "On the fifth day of Christmas my true love sent to me" "Five golden rings" "Four calling birds" "Three French hens" "Two turtle doves" "And a partridge in a" "Pear tree" "And, it's also..." "I think Christmas is for children." "My fishing..." "Children." "Oh." "We go to sleep before Father Christmas brings some presents." "And he gets hungry, and we leave a snack for him." "Tea and some biscuits and some milk." "That's all." "So..." "I'm tired." "Did you not sleep very much last night?" "No." "I love everything about Christmas." "I love all the Christmas decorations." "It's just so sparkly and twinkly and lovely." "It's really relaxing." "lt is." "It's lovely actually." "Like the reindeer with its legs going and everything." "Oh, I love them." "Kids love it, man." "It's lovely." "Why do we have a Christmas tree?" "Why are you talking about Christmas trees?" "Yes." "Well, Norway were the first to start it, weren't they?" "Norway, that's where the Christmas trees come from originally." "Have you just made that up?" "No." "Yes." "I've not just made that up, no." "Yes, he has, the little devil." "It's nothing to do with that." "It'll have some religious meaning or something." "Well, it was St. Nicholas." "Of course it will, and we ought to be ashamed of ourselves because we don't know." "St." "Nicholas." "Yeah, well, that's Santa." "Well, Santa as well." "Oh, dear, who's Santa?" "No, it's Nicholas." "Santa Claus." "So, you want me to sing?" "All right." "Okay, are you recording?" "Five gold rings" "Four calling birds" "Three French hens" "Two turtle doves" "And a partridge in a pear tree" "What about The Twelve Days of Christmas?" "Oh, yes." "Do you know that?" "Yes." "Do you want me to sing it all?" "It'll take me forever." "Sorry, I get a little sniffly near pets." "You come to interview me and you're allergic to dogs." "No wonder you're feeling a bit sniffly." "Oh, dear." "So funny." "The Twelve days of Christmas." "I know it, but I don't know the words." "No." "On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me" "Five golden rings" "Calling birds, three French hens" "Two turtle doves" "No, no, no." "No?" "We're on French hens now, aren't we?" "Two French hens." "Three French hens." "Three, is it?" "Three French hens" "Three French hens" "And a..." "Two turtle doves." "And a partridge in a pear tree" "On the sixth day of Christmas my true love sent to me" "Six geese a-laying" "So, what about..." "Well, what they do because they're not mammals, they lay eggs." "Five gold rings" "Four calling birds, three French hens" "I don't remember any more." "Six." "Six maids a-singing." "Never mind." "I made that one up." "Six..." "I know there are "lords a-leaping" somewhere..." "Seven lords a-leaping" "Six geese a-laying" "We're just laying." "We're geese and we're laying." "Yeah, man, just hanging, isn't it?" "We are geese and we are just laying." "We're just laying." "You dig?" "Yeah." "On the fifth day of Christmas" "Four calling birds" "Two French hens, three" "Oh, God, I've missed it again." "I thought I was getting a bit better as I was going down." "'Cause we always sing out of tune if you're a foreigner listening to our songs." "It sounds out of tune but it's not really." "They are quarter pitch." "Are you sure?" "Yeah." "On the ten days of Christmas" "Geese are laughing" "One braise of rabbits" "Four calling birds, three French hens Two turtle doves" "And a partridge in a pear tree" "On the seventh day of Christmas my true love sent to me" "Seven swans a-swimming" "Swimming, swimming" "Milking" "Milking" "Seven swans a-swimming, as swans do." "Yeah, swimming as they do, unless it's ice." "That must refer back to the, sort of, gamey type of thing, bearing in mind it's only royalty that are officially allowed to eat swans." "Poor old swans." "I don't know if I've ever listened to the queen give the Christmas message, but I presume she speaks in a silly voice, and says a load of old guff." "This Christmas was awful, but next one will be better." "I don't know, I'm doing German accents." "I'm so bad at doing an impression of Her Holiness." "That..." "Is it legal?" "Because I might get deported doing this, you know." "Enjoy your friends and all that food and your boring Christmas television." "And think of us sharing little tales of Christmas cheer." "I hope you all have a lovely year and..." "The end." "On the eighth day of Christmas my true love sent to me" "Eight maids a-milking" "Eight maids milking out in the meadow." "Large..." "Large, buxom women in white tops, and hay, hay, lots of hay and cows and more cows," "and maids and..." "Udders." "Udders, udders." "Udders." "Get my guns." "Nurse." "Where's my tablet?" "The eight maids or the six maids milking, I think, that's milking cows, like to feed..." "It's got to be, ain't it?" "What else do you milk?" "Goats, I suppose." "Babies." "Milking their babies." "Milking..." "Yeah, but you won't be milking the baby, would you?" "No, but, milking themselves?" "Milking mummy." "That's a long song." "Seven swans a-singing" "Near a lake" "Five golden rings" "Four calling birds, three French hens" "Two turtle doves and" "Nine swans that are leaping." "On the ninth day of Christmas, my turtle" "My true love gave to me" "Nine ladies dancing" "Two geese a-laying, five golden rings" "On a partridge in a pear tree" "On the tenth day of Christmas my true love sent to me" "Ten lords a-leaping, nine ladies dancing" "Eight maids a-milking Seven swans a-swimming" "Six geese a-laying" "Five gold rings" "Four calling birds, three French hens" "Two turtle doves" "And a partridge in a pear tree" "On the 1 1th day of Christmas my true love sent to me" "Eleven pipers piping" "That would annoy you, wouldn't it?" "Eleven maids a-dancing, five pipe" "Ten drum are..." "Eight maids a-milking" "Seven swans a-swimming Six geese a-laying" "Five golden rings" "Four calling birds, three French hens" "Two turtle doves" "And a partridge in a pear tree" "I don't know the words 'cause that was one of the posh songs when I was a kid." "Geordies didn't sing them sort of songs." "It's a nice song and it always takes you right into Christmas, doesn't it, really?" "Do you like it or..." "Yeah." "Maybe, there is something magic about it that I'll rediscover when I get older" "or when I'm slightly different." "I always complain about Christmas, but I guess maybe I like it a bit." "And a partridge in a pear tree" "Yeah, tree" "On the 12th day of Christmas my true love sent to me" "Twelve lords a-leaping" "Eleven pipers piping" "Ten drummers drumming" "Nine ladies dancing" "Eight maids a-milking" "Two French hens" "Six geese a-laying" "Five golden rings" "Four calling birds, three French hens" "And a partridge in a pear tree" "Oh, I'm a partridge." "Let's sing." "We know it now, but we can't sing it." "I know bits of it." "I just can't..." "Can't put the words together." "I couldn't put the whole song together." "Twelve days is it, like the Twelfth Night?" "Is that what it means?" "What's all that?" "It's like..." "I don't want to go through all that analyzing it." "I know it's late but I think we need to bottom this one." "You can bug off." "I'm not doing it." "We need to analyze it to the nth degree." "Change the subject, please." "Four calling birds, oh, hold on." "Where do we go now, from the top?" "Hey?" "Four calling birds, three French hens" "Two turtle doves" "And a partridge in a pear tree" "In a pear tree" "That's a wrap." "Brilliant." "It's in the can." "Happy Christmas, everyone." "Have a very, very nice Christmas." "You're very beautiful." "And from Buckingham Palace, I'd like to wish you all a Merry Christmas." "Gosh, he sounds like an old queen." "Oh, dear, I do, don't I?" "Get you a pair of glasses and a white bouffant." "You made me feel old." "Oh, yeah." "Bless you, ma'am." "The spirit of Christmas is something really beautiful when you believe in it." "If not, well, enjoy Christmas as you can." "Happy Christmas, Muriel." "And just carry on drinking the water." "Yes." "It's good for you." "I wish I could drink, but..." "Can't drink." "I think, a nice peaceful Christmas for everybody." "Nice peaceful Christmas." "Yes." "Yes." "I think we'll do a nice peaceful Christmas." "Yes, I think so." "My Christmas message to the world is love your family," "Iove your friends, love your animals and love life to the full, because life is so exciting and so enjoyable." "And the more you put into it, the more you get out of it." "Life's just so fantastic." "My Christmas message would be, "Stop shopping."" "My Christmas message to the world is, "Speak to each other," ""talk, communicate." It's good to talk, it's great to have a conversation." "If you talk more, I think there wouldn't be so many problems." "And let's share the wealth." "We all live on the same planet." "We're all the same people." "Love each other." "Bling." "Don't worry." "It's only gonna be for a week or so." "And then you can forget all about it till next year." "The song that told the 12 days of Christmas, found it really irritating." "The words are daft." "Five gold rings and all that." "Happy Christmas, everybody." "Happy Christmas." "That didn't sound very sincere, did it?" "Well, it was." "Happy Christmas and enjoy yourselves, and don't forget the true meaning of Christmas." "No." "I'm just thinking about partridges." "Well, stop thinking about partridges." "Is it in danger as a species?" "Can you just be quiet now, please?" "Is it edible?" "No." "On..." "On the first day of..."