" Hey." "Hi, Allison." " Hey." "I'm here for the kids." " What..." "What is that?" " Twenty-four thousand nickels." "What?" "I stopped at an Indian casino on the way home from work last night and I hit a jackpot." "Well, congratulations." "Now get them out of my sink, okay?" "Oh, no." "This is your alimony payment." " To the nickel, and it's early." " What?" "You're welcome." "Kids, Daddy's here." "Let's go." "Wait a minute." "You expect me to accept my spousal support in nickels?" "Yeah." "I mean, you can take it back to the casino and ask for bills." "Why wouldn't you do that when you were there?" "'Cause bills are light and they bend, and nickels are heavy and hilarious." " Hi, Dad." " Hi, sweetie." "Whoa, whoa, wide load." "I'm so glad you talked me out of playing the flute, Mom." "Louise, honey, you will thank me for introducing you to the cello." "Here you go." "Well, if I ever need to dispose of a body, I'll be ready." "Okay." "I'll be out in a minute, you guys." "Do you think maybe I can drive the car to school?" "Tommy, I've seen you play Grand Theft Auto, and until you can operate a vehicle without jumping the curb and killing a pimp," "I have to say no." "Hey, Gary, Gary." "Can I have the kids next Thursday?" "I need to know right now." "Twelve seconds." " Thursday the..." " Ten." "Ten seconds, Gary." "Tell me now." " I'll let you have them Wednesday." " Why, what's Wednesday?" " Five seconds, Gary." "Tell me now!" " You're freaking me out!" " I'm scared!" "What?" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Yes!" " Fine." "Wait, wait." "Okay." "Come on." " What happened?" " Come on." "Okay, Allison." "Steady, steady." "Okay, come on." "Okay." "I did it." "Yeah!" "I did it." "Wow." "No wonder I could never find your G-spot." "It's in the palm of your hand." "What was that all about?" "I was bidding online for concert tickets for me and the kids and I scored." "You're taking them to a concert?" " Yeah." "Michael Bolton." " Michael Bolton?" "I knew it." "I knew it." "You hate the kids." "It's 'cause they ruined your body, isn't it?" "I knew..." "I knew you were gonna have a problem with this." "Of course I have a problem with it." "Their first concert shouldn't be Michael Bolton." "I mean, I'm sure Michael Bolton's a nice guy and from outer space looks like a human being of sorts, but, come on." "I mean, if I knew that's why you wanted to switch days," "I wouldn't have agreed to it." "But, Gary, why shouldn't this be their first concert?" "I mean, I love Michael Bolton." "Remember?" "I played his CD in the delivery room when I gave birth to Louise." "Yeah, that's why they had to put a suction cup on her head and pull her out of you." "Well, Gary, it's too late." "Our divorce agreement states that once we agree to switch nights, it's final." "Okay?" "Yeah, isn't there also a stipulation in the divorce agreement that we can switch back in the event of a Michael Bolton concert?" "Look, Gary, I can't deal with this, okay?" "You told me I could have the kids." "That's it." "I'm taking them to the concert." "Discussion over." "Hello, Gary." "Look who it is." "It's Lance Armstrong's great-great-grandfather." "Allison, you ready for a bike ride?" "Yeah, as soon as I get Gary out of here." "Come on." "Shall I throw his favorite ball out the door and close it after he gives chase?" "You know what, Krandall?" "Here." "Have some nickels." "I bet nickels were popular when you were a lad." "You can go to a..." "Go to a picture show, get yourself some bread, maybe buy War Bonds for the boys overseas." "Over there, over there" " Those are way too tight, Krandall." " Okay." "Michael Bolton?" "I mean, hey, come on, Michael Bolton?" "It's gonna smell like a rock concert, it'll look like a rock concert, but to the people that are actually there, it's gonna be like they're all stuck in an elevator." "Gary, can you please stop griping about your concert issues long enough to make your own pizza?" "All right." "What am I supposed to do?" "Make your own pizza." "It's kind of self-explanatory." "So, what's the big deal with the Michael Bolton thing anyway?" "I'll tell you what the big deal is." "It's a big moment, your first concert." "Hey, Vanessa, tell me what your first concert was." "Don't even think about it." "Just say it." "Okay, 1995, Wiltern Theater." "I saw R.E.M., Radiohead and a very angry look on my mother's face when I snuck into the house at 4:00 in the morning." "See that?" "Yeah!" "Now that's a concert." "That's a big moment in her life." "What was your first concert, Dennis?" "Van Halen." "Roth or Hagar?" " David Lee, man." " Yeah." "Front row." "Diamond Dave jumped into the crowd and broke my right arm." "Look, it's still shorter than the other one." "See?" "That's what's important about a first concert." "It's gotta be a big, great memory, you know?" "Ask me what my first concert was." " Okay, what was your..." " Scott Baio." " Who?" " Scott Baio." " From Happy Days?" " Scott Baio from Happy Days." "Little-known fact, Fonzie's little cousin cut a couple albums back in 1982, and my cousin Gwen dragged me to his Boys Night Out concert." "And she bought me a tank top with Scott Baio's face on it, and my mother made me wear it to school the next day so I wouldn't hurt Gwen's feelings." " That is awful." " On picture day." "I can't believe I'm even friends with you, man." "Dude, I can't believe I slept with you." "Why does Allison get to take them to their first concert?" "Well, why don't you just find another concert to take them to first?" "Bruce Springsteen's playing at the Forum next week." "Really?" "That's a great idea that 30,000 other people had the minute they announced it." "Well, smarty pants, they always release a handful of tickets before the show." " Really?" " Yeah." "Comps that cancel or extra seats that open up." "It happens all the time." "You just gotta get in line early because every scalper in town will be there." "Oh, my gosh." "That's fantastic." "Can you imagine Tom and Louise's first concert being Springsteen?" "That'll be amazing." "I mean, it's not as cool as David Lee Roth smashing your arm, but it's still pretty good." "It's a good 4 inches." "You know, when I swim, I just go in circles." "Louise, sweetheart, come on." "I promised your mom that you would practice your cello tonight." "You have to practice." "But, Dad, it's embarrassing." "People think I'm a street performer." "They keep trying to hand me money." "That's good." "If we get enough money, we could probably park in someone's lawn outside the stadium." "Come on." "Hey, I'm doing long division." "How about a little love for me?" "Hey, Tommy, why don't you take your sister, go get a soda, okay?" " Good evening." " How do you do?" " Big Springsteen fan, huh?" " Yes, I am." "You know, I hope you're not standing in line for a ticket scalper, ma'am, because that is illegal." "No, I'm just a Springsteen fan like you." "Sure." "What's track five on side one of Born to Run?" "There is no track five." "That's an exceptional guess." "Excuse me." "Gary, Gary, what the hell?" "I just gave a street kid a dollar because he looked like Tom and then I realized he was Tom." "Why am I picking up my kids on Hollywood Boulevard?" "Well, it's kind of an emergency, Allison." "See, that ticket window's gonna open in two hours and I'm getting tickets to see Springsteen." "Bruce!" "So, what, you have them here at 8:00 on a school night, sitting on a filthy sidewalk like homeless bum children so you can get tickets?" "Yeah, they're gonna remember this night the rest of their lives." "This concert better not be on the same night as Michael Bolton." "No, it's the night before." "Gary, I can't believe you." "You just can't stand it that I am gonna take them to their first concert, so you have to jump in and take them to a concert the day before just to tick me off?" "No, I don't wanna tick you off, Allison." "I don't want their first concert to be a disaster, you know?" "I want it to be a good memory." "It's all about just giving the kids good memories." "Yeah, well, I wanted a good memory on our wedding night, but then I found out about your" ""if Die Hard is on, I have to watch it" policy." "How many times have we been through this?" "McClane wants to be with his family on Christmas, but he can't be with his family on Christmas because" " he has to save Nakatomi Plaza." " Okay!" "Okay!" "Gary, listen to me." "The kids and I are gonna have a great time at Michael Bolton and you're not gonna get them on Wednesday night just so you can concert-block me, okay." "Even if it is for Bruce." "Bruce!" "God, will you shut up?" "Jeez!" "All right, look, this is me and you here." "Listen." "You have to give me the kids because you agreed to switch nights, right?" "Our divorce stipulates that once you agree to switch nights, you can't switch back." "All right, fine, Gary." "But this isn't over, okay?" "Kids, come on." "Let's get your stuff." "Pack it up." "We're leaving." "I think this is a new low, even for you." "Bruce!" "I said "you"!" "I think I'm gonna be sick." "Sweetie, you saw what happened to the neighbor's cat?" "No, what happened?" "He's taking a nap in the road." "He's adorable." "He looks very peaceful, and he's got a look on his face like, "Mondays are a bummer."" "Why are you sick, sweetie?" "Because Mom let Tom drive the car in the church parking lot." "Wait." "Your mother let Tommy drive the car?" "Well, if you call it driving." "Stop, start." "Stop, start." "Stop, start." "Barf!" "Hey, Dad." "Mom let me drive the car." "Yeah, I heard." "That's fantastic, man." "Check it out." "I made a right turn so perfectly that the blinker turned off by itself." "You let Tommy drive the car?" "I'm his father." "That's a father's job." "Fathers have been teaching their sons to drive for thousands of years." "I'm sorry, Gary." "Tom asked if he could give it a shot, and I knew it was something you'd want to do, but then I remembered you stole the first concert from me, and then the next thing I know, we're driving through hedges" "and nuns are giving us the finger, so..." "Well, if you're sure you want to play it that way, Allison, be careful and buckle your seat belt, because I can play that way, too." "Yeah?" "That reminds me." "I took Louise on her first roller coaster ride yesterday." " You didn't." " Yeah." "She's finally this tall." "God!" " Tom, can I see you for a second?" " Yeah, sure." "Louise, I got you a present." "It's on your bed." "I got it at the store." " Thanks, Dad." " You got it." "What's going on?" "Well, Tommy, your dad's gonna teach you how to shave." "Okay." "There we are." " Shave what?" " Shave..." "Your beard, you big, hairy lumberjack." "Come on!" "What's with the first aid kit?" "Yeah, why don't we answer that question if and when we need it?" "Okay, Son, this is shaving cream." "Yeah, I know what shaving cream is, Dad." "Okay, good." "Here you go." "Lather some of that on there." " Okay." " All right." "There you go." "Go ahead." "Go on." "Use the mirror, Son." "Use the mirror." "It doesn't bother you that I don't have any hair on my face?" "No." "No, listen." "You're a Brooks." "You come from a long line of incredibly hairy people, all right?" "Remember your Aunt Rose?" "Who do you think taught me how to shave?" " Okay." " All right." "Now, Son, a man is only as good as his tools." "Make sure you use a razor made by a company that also makes ballpoint pens." "These are excellent because they're hollow inside and if you cut yourself and bleed to death, you can call for help." "Have at it." "Have at it." "Go ahead, go ahead." "There you go." "You having fun?" " Yeah." " Good." "That's good." "'Cause from here on out, it's a giant pain in the ass." "So why did we have to do this today?" "Well, it's all about milestones, Son." "Fathers and sons doing things for the first time." "My father didn't get to teach me." "He's still mad at my Aunt Rose." "You have gotta be kidding me." "It's your first brassiere, honey." "Congratulations." "Thanks, Dad, but I really don't need this kind of pressure." "Hey, Louise." "Hey, Scotty." "I have a surprise for you guys." "How would you like to go to Burgeroo's for dinner?" "I called your mom." "She said it was fine." "Okay?" " All right." " There you go." "Here you go." "Here we go." "Look at that." " What are you doing?" " I'm taking pictures of you guys." "Look." "You are so adorable." "Look at that." "Scotty, move closer." "Don't be shy." "Your dad, he should be seeing this, huh?" "Do you guys always do this before you go to Burgeroo's?" " We're going to Burgeroo's?" " Not you, Tom." "Louise and Scotty are going on their first date." " What?" " What?" " Mom!" " Okay, no, no, it's not really a date." "But you guys go wait in the car, okay?" "I will be out in a minute." "I have to talk to Tommy about something." "What's going on here?" "Why can't I go to Burgeroo's?" "Well, your sister is going on a date." "Which brings me to something very important that I'd like to discuss with you." "But I don't have a lot of time, so listen carefully." " Okay?" "Here we go." " Okay." "Tommy, when a man and a woman love each other very much..." "Mom, Mom, Mom, I've already had this talk with Dad." "Oh." "Okay." "Drugs." "Someone offers you drugs, Tommy..." "No, I've..." "I've had this one, too." "Fine." "Okay, now the game is called blackjack." "Okay?" "Cured." "Cured." "Sorry to interrupt, Dr. Krandall, but there's a Lewis and Tom here to see you." "Lewis and Tom?" "Louise." "My name is Louise." "Do I look like a Lewis?" "Yeah, that's fine." "Let them in, Ellen." " Tom, Louise, this is a surprise." " Hey, Dr. K." " Is everything all right?" " Not really." "We need to talk to you." "Please, sit down." "How did you get here?" "We took public transportation." "And if the rest of the world did, too, maybe we..." "Louise, Louise, one problem at a time, okay?" "Things are getting a little out of hand with Mom and Dad." "Why don't you tell me what's going on?" "Well, Dad took us to Mexico the other day." "That sounds nice." "For dinner." "It was six hours in the car and ten minutes at a taco stand." "Why would he do that?" "So he could be with us our first time out of the country." "Okay, that sounds a bit extreme." "No, extreme was Mom taking me on a college tour to Cal State." "Okay, that's crazy." "Of course it is." "Me at a state school?" "Please." " Allison, what are you doing here?" " What?" "The kids called and they told me to come over right away." "Well, they called me, too, but why are you on the front porch?" "The door's locked." "It's, like, bolted from the inside." "Really?" "That's what you think, scientist?" "From the inside?" "As opposed to the outside?" "I used to have a deadbolt on the outside, but I got tired of my neighbors locking me in my house." " Is this important?" " Hey, all right." "Let's go." "Tommy?" "Louise?" "Let's go." "What's going on in there, you guys?" " Hello." " Oh, God!" "Walter, what are you doing here?" "Tom and Louise came by my office today and told me about the little competition you two have been engaged in." "Hey, what are they doing over there?" "Is that a paper shredder?" " Are those my tickets?" " That's right, Gary." "Three Springsteen tickets, three Michael Bolton tickets." "Louise, honey, I love you so much, sweetie." "Don't let the Bolton tickets touch the Springsteen tickets, okay?" " No..." " You have bigger issues, Gary." "Your children are very unhappy with you." "Walter, would you please let us in?" "No, no..." "Okay, that was just the receipt." "But now do I have your undivided attention?" "Yeah, yeah." "Yes, you do." "If I let you in, will you listen to what your kids have to say and not make a grab for the remaining tickets?" " Yes, we will, yeah." " I promise." "Yes, yes." "Okay." "All right." "All right." "All right." "Okay, we're good." "It's cool." "It's okay." "Okay." "Why are your hands in the air?" "It's not a stickup." " Okay, sorry." "I don't know." " No, no, no." "Keep them up." " Keep them up." "Keep them up." " Okay, sorry, Tommy, sorry." " You got it." "You got it." " What?" "What?" " You got it, Tommy." "You're the man." " Okay." " You're the man." " Is that okay?" "All right, guys, let's not do anything crazy." "Okay?" " Tom, Louise?" "Nothing crazy." " Crazy?" "Like buying your 11 -year-old a giant cafeteria lady bra?" " Seriously?" "You did that?" " I figured she'd grow into it." "Well, but what makes you think Louise is..." " Okay, no!" "Hang on!" " No!" "No!" " Back, back, back." "Sit, sit." " Okay, sorry." "No!" "Sorry." "My mistake." "Was that Springsteen or Bolton?" "What part of tickets and shredder don't you understand?" " Oh, my God." " Okay." "I'm sorry, Louise." "We're sitting down." "We're listening to you now." "Okay?" "Go ahead." "Tommy, why don't you begin?" "Okay, well, we want you to stop forcing us to do stuff that we're not ready to do yet." " Like shaving and dating." " And driving." "Actually, the driving I liked." "I'd like to see more of that." "But everything else has to stop." "Gary, Allison, I think your children deserve an explanation for your behavior." "Look, when your dad and I were married, you know, we were together and we saw all those first things, you know, together, the walking and then, like, the talking." "Riding your bike, losing a tooth, getting a ride in an ambulance." "And, Tommy, that all happened for you in one afternoon." "I guess, you know, we're just afraid that we're gonna, you know, miss out on those things, you know?" "But they are going to happen." "And we need to know how you plan to handle them now that you're divorced." "Pop quiz." "My first homecoming dance." "What are you going to do?" "Hey, that's mine." "Okay, I'm gonna..." "I'm gonna..." "Whoa!" "Wait, wait, wait!" "No!" "I'm gonna call your father, invite him over and include him, and then we'll show him the dress." " Yeah, yeah." " Good?" " And I'll take pictures and I'II..." " Yeah." "I'll give your mom doubles of those pictures, and I'll take your date in the backyard and I'll show him how quickly I can dig a shallow grave." "Good answer." "But of course, I'll never participate in such an outdated sexist ritual." "Though, if I do, I want to look really pretty." "Louise, Tommy, look, we want to do things together with you guys." "We do." "And we're gonna try." "And whoever isn't there, we'll make sure that person's there in spirit, okay?" " What?" " What was that?" "I don't know." "I'm drunk with power." "Give me some of these." "You're hogging them all." " Let me do some." " Hey, no, I wanna do the rest." "Hey!" "Tommy, look, stop!" "Enough." "I'm your father." "I'm saying this has to end." "Give me the tickets." "What the heck are these?" "The Freudian Pips?" "They're left over from a little gig I had with three of my psychotherapist friends." "We were sort of an Up With People for the clinically depressed." "You're a strange man, Krandall." " Give me my tickets." " All right." "Sorry we had to put you through that, but it certainly was effective." "Yeah." "Okay, here." "Hi, Bruce Springsteen tickets!" "Bruce." "This is fantastic." "This is really great." "You guys are gonna have the greatest time of your life when you go to this concert with your mom." "What?" "I thought you were taking us." "I was gonna, but she's right, Tommy." "It was her idea to take you guys to your first concert, and I just wanted to steal it from her, and that's not right." "So your mom should take you." "That is, if you do wanna go see Bruce." "What, are you kidding me?" "Bruce!" "Come on, guys." "We're gonna rock, huh?" "Bruce." "Hey, kids, do you think maybe we could, I don't know, buy your dad a Springsteen ticket?" " Whoa, time-out." "That's..." " What?" "It's pretty expensive, Allison." "I don't know if we can afford it." "You know what we could do?" "We could sell those Michael Bolton tickets, and with the money we make, we could buy a cup of coffee, and then we could drink it while we're thinking of a way to buy a Bruce Springsteen ticket." "You know, Gary, I think I have enough nickels in my kitchen to buy you a ticket." "All right." "All right." "And then, with the money left over, we can get you a Michael Bolton ticket." " Can you see anything?" " No." "And how many times is this guy gonna ask us if we're ready to rock?" "Everyone has clearly said that they're ready to rock." "What more does he want?" "I can't believe we have to go to another one of these tomorrow!" "Are we even facing the right way?" "I wish we could go home." "Well, don't ruin it for them." "These memories will last them the rest of their lives." "Oh, my God!"