"This is the skankiest gym in town." "Why did we join this place?" "This is so rank." "What is that guy doing?" "He's exfoliating." "He's grating his foot onto the floor like a block of cheese" "Oh, well, that's grim." "Shall I take it out, then?" "No, leave it in." "Cork it." "Lovely." "Gonna swallow it?" "Swallow it maybe." "Are you gonna swallow it?" "No!" "Spit it on the floor." "Much better." "You don't like people, do you?" "I just don't like their bodies." "That's kind of how they come." "Standard packaging, innit?" "There's a limit to how much my senses can take." "And that's my limit." "I think I'll hit the plunge pool before someone has a shit in my lap." "Excuse me, mate, are you dry?" "Oh, er..." "Are you dry, mate, or are you still a bit wet?" "No, I'm pretty dry." "Can I borrow your towel, please?" "Oh, right." "Do you not have a...?" "I've been a numpty." "I left mine at home." "I'll be as quick as a flash." "Yeah." "Cheers, mate." "You're a legend." "It's just that I'm supposed to be meeting this bird." "No, it's fine." "I'm fine with this." "Ta." "I'll be two ticks." "He didn't just pat himself down." "He got right in the cracks." "He was practically flossing with it." "That's gross." "I had to throw it away." "Why did you lend it to him?" "He put me on the spot." "He was naked." "What kind of sicko borrows a towel?" "What else was he supposed to do?" "He could have dripped dry." "Drip dry?" "I often drip dry." "Or shake dry." "Shake dry?" "Do you mean like a dog?" "It works, doesn't it?" "You never see a dog with a towel." "Oh, by Jove, it's him." "It's the towel guy." "Where?" "With the flowers." "Who?" "Cassius?" "You know the towel guy?" "Yeah." "Cynthia's started seeing him." "Seeing him?" "Out and about or, like, seeing him during sex?" "What do you reckon?" "Everyone, this is Cassius." "Cassius, these are my neighbours." "Stylax, Grumio and Marcus." "It's you!" "I hardly recognised you with clothes on." "Yeah, likewise." "You two know each other." "This hero lent me his towel." "I would have stood you up if it weren't for him, so thanks again." "Nice tatt, dude." "Thank you very much." "The mark of a gladiator." "You're a gladiator?" "Oh, God." "Middleweight net man, East End Division, just transferred from Syracuse." "You know your stuff, don't you?" "I collect the stickers." "I can sort you out with tickets for tomorrow." "Why don't you come and cheer me on?" "Wicked." "Nice one." "OK, yeah." "I can't compete with that." "Well, not fighting, no." "You've got other skills." "Such as?" "Spelling." "You were top of the class at school." "Shall I suggest a spell-off, then?" "You'd spell him a new arsehole." "Also there's something else I didn't mention before." "What?" "When I saw him naked in the changing room this morning, he was erm..." "Muscular?" "Yeah, there was one muscle in particular that stood out." "Are we talking long and slender?" "Sort of thick and fearsome like a boa constrictor." "A thick dick." "Whereas mine, I'd just come out the plunge pool." "Not so snaky?" "It was more like a dormouse." "His penis could have eaten my penis for breakfast." "Just dislocated its jaw and chowed down." "God knows what damage he's doing to Cynthia." "What if he tells her about my one?" "I'd just come out of the plunge pool." "He's not going to be talking to Cynthia about your penis." "Why not?" "I'm telling you about his." "The guy is a gladiator." "He fights in the arena." "Why would he go home after that and talk to Cynthia about your penis?" "Anyway, I've seen your penis, Marcus, and it's fine." "Really?" "Absolutely fine." "Thanks." "When have you seen my penis?" "Ahem." "Can we give it a rest?" "Give what a rest?" "All that penis talk." "It's very unprofessional." "Are we distracting you?" "Maybe focus on doing some work for a change... mouse cock." "Whoa!" "I call it a mouse cock, not you." "And to be clear his cock is the size of a mouse, not a mouse's cock." "That's right, isn't it?" "Without the tail." "I don't care." "I don't want to discuss it any more." "Oh, shit." "I've written "haughtily mouse cock" on the company's report." "Right, you see?" "Focus." "I'm so psyched for this." "Are you?" "I've always been into gladiating." "It's not called gladiating." "I meant gladiatoring." "Tickets!" "Buying and selling tickets!" "All right, landlord?" "Salve, Grumio, lads." "Taking a break from landlording?" "It's not called landlording." "I'm just helping a mate out who runs the fights." "We're here to see a mate, as it happens." "An acquaintance, to be fair." "Cassius the net man." "He's up against Orgetorix the Gaul." "Oh." "He any good?" "This Orgetorix?" "Nah, he's jiz." "One for the crowd." "They love to see a Gaul get slaughtered." "Good." "That is a relief." "Anyway, enjoy the bloodshed." "Tickets!" "Buying and selling." "Ooh!" "Ooh..." "Ahh!" "Ahh!" "Ooh!" "Ooh!" "Ooh!" "Yeah, sport!" "Here he comes." "Where's his helmet?" "Net men don't wear helmets." "No, yeah, I know that." "So, did Cassius tell you about when we met?" "Yeah, in the baths." "Small world." "Yeah, exactly." "I'd been in the plunge pool." "OK." "Just to give you the context." "I was extremely cold and my body had gone into survival mode." "So you get the whole picture." "Right." "We, who are about to die, salute you." "I love that bit." "Here we go." "Go on, Cassius!" "Not now." "You'll distract him." "That's it, my son." "Keep your distance." "No, don't get drawn." "Wait for it." "Wait for it, my son." "No, not there!" "Not there!" "Clearly not there." "That's it." "Wear him out." "Nice." "Ha ha ha!" "Net him." "Fucking net him." "Got the bastard!" "Ha ha!" "Job done." "May I?" "Go ahead." "Oh, that is so adorable." "How do you do this, then?" "What you wanna do is whip it over, and then you wanna reel it in." "That's how I pulled Cynth." "Really?" "Did you put a net on her head?" "I wouldn't let her go till she agreed on a date." "Isn't it right?" "It was very romantic." "It's the same move I used in the fight today." "Not so romantic." "Your bossed it out there, man." "You were magic." "It was too easy." "They keep putting me up against these Gallic mugs." "Gallic mugs." "Gallic mugs." "His name was Orgetorix." "Was it?" "Oh, if you say so." "O-R-G-E-T-R-I-X." "Orgetorix." "He's awesome at spelling." "I can see." "That is very impressive." "Thank you." "Well done, mate." "Fucking hell!" "Yeah, very good." "Very good." "Your face!" "You were really afraid!" "I was afraid I'd hurt Cassius." "You'd pulled his hand off?" "Yes." "I'm sorry, geeze." "I'm sorry." "Cheap joke." "Cheap joke." "That's a nice grip, man." "Have you done this before?" "I've dabbled." "I fancy a hot drink." "How about you?" "That'd be lovely." "Oh, have you got anything herbal?" "Salve, Marcus." "Enjoy the gladiators?" "Not really." "Just out of interest, what's their average lifespan?" "I don't know." "One or two years?" "That long?" "At least." "One fighter in his 70s has a sword in one hand, walking stick in the other." "Right." "This mate of yours who runs the bouts " "Darius." "I don't want to know his name." "Too late, it's Darius." "Could he, in theory, put Cassius against someone properly dangerous?" "Depends." "What's your budget?" "Budget?" "To knobble him, you must have a budget." "I didn't say I wanted to knobble anybody." "A gladiator is easy." "Untraceable, isn't it?" "Five dinarii." "For five denarii, you could put him up against a dog." "And for eight?" "I think there's an old hippo knocking about." "How much for an actual person?" "At least 20." "I can't go higher than 22...3..." "24...25." "I'll see what I can do." "Great." "See what you can do." "Now, hot drinks." "It's gone." "Relax." "Yes, but where has it gone?" "There it is." "Spider." "Got it." "What the hell did you do that for?" "Sorry." "What did you want me to do?" "Not kill it, you bloody psychopath." "It was only a spider." "A living creature." "You don't care for the sanctity of life." "The sanctity..." "What?" "You're the one going out with a gladiator?" "Yeah, so?" "Killing's kind of what he does for a living." "Except, he's less spiders, more people from France." "It's completely different." "He doesn't stamp on them?" "Because he doesn't actually kill anyone." "Sorry, what?" "It's theatre." "Well, it's in the theatre." "It's not the kind of acting that I want to do." "Fight scenes that realistic are a very skilled theatrical form." "Do you want to tell her or should I?" "It's real, Cynth." "That's his job." "Piss off." "Are you serious?" "Afraid so." "That guy he killed yesterday wasn't an actor?" "Or if he was it was his last performance." "He's dead." "Your boyfriend shoved a trident into his body and his guts fell out." "That's why he didn't come for a drink after the show." "Not a show." "Why didn't you say anything?" "I suppose because we'd already seen him kill four people," "I assumed that you were aware that he... kills people." "What about blood?" "She thought it was fake." "Scars?" "Also fake." "Maybe she thought his penis was fake, too." "I hope so." "That is the only explanation for its bloody girth." "And we're back on penises." "Sorry, we should focus." "Well, it might be an idea, mightn't it?" "Focussing on work, rather than penises." "Do you know what would help me focus?" "A nice cool glass of water." "Yes, it would, actually." "Scientists say that it increases your productivity by 20%." "Really?" "I did not know that, Aurelius." "Thank you." "This is so much more civilised." "Holy shit!" "Is that a fucking hand?" "Flavia!" "There's a filthy hand in the jug." "It was an innocent prank." "I just wanted to noodle him a bit." "He's a gibbering wreck." "I had to send him home for the day." "Whose hand is it?" "A dead man." "He won't be asking for it back, then?" "Did you know him?" "Not personally." "I'm sure he wouldn't have minded." "He was very outgoing." "And French." "Right." "Here's what you do." "First, buy a new jug." "Not a problem." "Then you will apologise to water boy." "That's pushing it." "Do it." "Now, get out." "Where's the hand now?" "I'm taking it home." "What for?" "I just want to keep it." "Oh, that is disgusting." "No." "God, no, that's not what I meant." "Why would you even...?" "Although I suppose if you shut your eyes..." "Throw it away!" "Throw it away." "Go on." "I've got to get him a jug." "So, buy him one." "That's ours." "We never use it." "I do, actually." "If I need a wee at night, then, it's well handy." "OK, yeah, take it." "Can you hear that?" "Cynthia?" "Cynthia." "Cass!" "What's up, man?" "She's dumped me." "Cynthia dumped me." "I've never been dumped before." "She said I was a savage." "That's horrible." "I mean, you can see where she's coming from." "Fine." "You know, what I do is a bit savage, but..." "I'm not a savage." "No, you're not." "You're a highly trained, professional killer." "It's not like you enjoy it." "No, I do a bit." "I don't know." "There must be hordes of women out there desperate to jump a gladiator." "Get out there and shag yourself happy." "I'll come with you and mop up your cast-offs." "Thanks, but I don't think I could sleep with anyone else." "More for me, then." "What would I do?" "Well, you could wait." "Or watch, I suppose." "You think it'd cheer me up to watch you shagging?" "Well... worth a try." "Put her out your mind and focus on your next fight." "When is it?" "This weekend." "And who is it against?" "I don't know." "Don't care." "How about I get you a nice hot drink?" "A herbal tea would be lovely." "I'm gonna do that right now." "Thanks, Marcus." "You're a real good mate." "Well... yeah." "I don't need to knobble him any more." "Cancel the nobbling." "Too late." "He's nobbled." "What?" "How?" "I sorted it." "You said you'd see what you could do." "Yeah." "I saw what I could do, and then I did it." "Doing it is not part of "seeing what I can do"." "Sure, it is." "I'll see what I can do." "Leave it with me." ""Leave it with me," you can do it." ""See what I can do," you report back." "Well, I did it." "So, undo it." "I can't." "I'm already selling tickets." "Ugh!" "Who's he fighting?" "The Beast of Germania." "Is that a man or an actual beast?" "I'd say he was of mixed heritage." "So, what are Cassius's chances?" "Very slim." "I reckon The Beast is gonna chew him up and shit him out." "Not literally." "Has been known." "Oh, God." "Can I just ask, what did this Cassius do to piss you off in the first place?" "He borrowed my towel." "Oh, heavy." "This Beast guy won't definitely win." "First he'll have to kill Cassius, and then his enormous penis." "Hi, Aurelius." "Good morning." "Sorry for putting that thing in your jug yesterday." "That thing?" "That thing was the hand of a dead man." "Of a fucking dead man." "I apologise." "It was meant in the spirit of fun." "It wasn't funny." "But on the other hand..." "There is no other hand." "I see you've bought me a new jug." "It's a bit gaudy, but it will do." "Can I give you a hand with it?" "I'm fine." "Thank you." "I'd like to lodge a formal complaint." "Don't you think this has got a bit out of hand?" "He's still doing it." "Stop it, shredder." "That one was by accident." "Of course it wasn't." "It was off the cuff." "Another one!" "I said cuff." "That's not the same as hand." "It's the same ballpark." "OK, OK." "Can we all just calm down, please?" "Not until I lodge a formal complaint." "How do I do that?" "You... sit up straight and you say it in a formal manner." "What, really?" "OK." "Ahem." "Since they've arrived, they've basically turned the copy room into a boys' club." "They re obsessed with their penises." "We're not obsessed." "Yes, you are." "They create a puerile and unfocussed atmosphere and it hacks me right off." "Is that it?" "Thank you." "Thank you for bringing this to my attention, water boy." "May I have a word alone with shredder?" "Thank you for your time." "Water man." "Water man." "Fire him." "Shut up." "You make this nuisance go away or I will fire your both." "How?" "Buy him a brooch, take him out dancing, cook him a fucking flan." "I don't care!" "Just deal with it." "This is actually my first time here." "Have you been much?" "Oh, yeah, loads." "Love it." "I'm an old hand." "Sorry, it was just a joke." "That was fine." "It was funny." "It's funny now." "Ooh!" "Ahh!" "Huh huh!" "Ooh!" "What the fuck was that one?" "That's for The Beast." "He has his own chant." "Oh, the men are coming" "Shit." "Is your mate The Beast or - ?" "The other one." "Where's his helmet?" "Net men don't wear helmets." "Do they have nets." "Probably should do." "Grumio, where's his net?" "Bugger." "He's forgot it." "He needs to get focussed." "Yes, well, focus is critical." "It's what I've been saying." "We, who are about to die, salute you." "What's he doing?" "He appears to be sitting down." "Stand up!" "Fight!" "Is he crying?" "Come on, you, be a man." "Come on, Cass." "What's wrong with him?" "He's lovesick." "Oh, that's bad timing." "Cassius." "Cassius." "Cassius." "Cassius." "Cassius." "Cassius!" "Cassius!" "Cassius!" "Cassius!" "Cassius!" "Cassius!" "Come on, my son, get your game face on." "Cassius!" "Yes, Cassius!" "That's it." "Back in the game, my son." "Go on, Cassius." "Have him, Cassius!" "Hey." "Hey." "What have you got there?" "Just some stuff he left at my place." "You should have it." "He liked you guys." "Cool." "Thanks." "So, who was it who killed him?" "A guy called The Beast of Germania." "A monster." "He had no chance." "Especially cos some twat shouted out." "I was trying to encourage him." "What did you shout?" "Get him, Cassius." "Have him, Cassius." "It doesn't matter now, does it?" "Well, Marcus..." "If we're playing the blame game." "Which we are not." "Oh, what did you do, Marcus?" "Oh, not much." "He fixed it for him to fight that giant fucker." "What?" "How would you even - ?" "Landlord... had him nobbled." "He said he wanted a challenge." "Death is quite a challenge." "I wasn't the one who dumped him and left him with a broken heart." "Oh, so it was my fault." "You paid to have him nobbled, but it's my fault?" "He was a wreck." "He forgot his bloody net." "I thought he'd get over it." "Maybe he will." "Given that it's all an elaborate stunt." "He probably had a trap door." "Or a trap head." "He did actually have quite a good innings for a gladiator." "Bound to happen sooner or later." "There we go." "So, how about we agree we all killed him and just move on?" "Now, who wants a hot drink?"