" Bonjour!" " Bonjour!" "Alors, vous trouvez que ca me ressemble?" "Tout a fait." "J'ai I'air aussi bete que ca?" "J'en ai peur." "Voyons mademoiselle, regardez ce nez." "C'est le votre." "J'y peux rien." "Enfin, passons pour moi." "Mais selon lui." "Vous I'avez bien arrange." "Mais ce ne'est pas sa tete, ce n'est pas son crane." "Tout je suis, c'est tout a fait ca." "Son maquiaire superieur n'est pas aussi prominent." "Au contraire, c'est ce qui raille sur le plus." " Et le menton?" " Exactement le sien." " Il ne faut pas exagerer." " Je le vois comme ca." "Et puis, convenez monsieur que ceci est une caricature et il faut bien que le but d'un dessin ou d'une peinture n'est pas de reproduire une vulgaire fotographie." "Mais faire ressortir les characteristiques, donc rassier vous selon la personnalite d'un artiste." "Meme en les exagerant." "Oh nuts!" "Well bady, the name is Curtis." "May I present Thomas B. Chambers." "My name's Gilda Farrel." "Coming back to the subject of Art." "Are you a painter?" " Yes." " What did you say your name was?" "Curtis." "George Curtis?" "Yeah." "You exhibited a painting at the Shale Gallery?" "True." "Let me see..." "Oh Lady Godiva, wasn't it?" "Did you like it?" "I saw it with a friend of mine." "she loved it." "We haven't spoken since." "I wouldn't consider her one of your greatest admirers." "Are you a painter, too?" "Oh no not me." "I'm a playwright." "I write unproduced plays." "I'm very good at that kind." "Why didn't you like my picture?" "It's smart aleck." "You're wisecracking with paint." "It simply creaks with originality." "Lady Godiva riding a bicycle!" "I know what she means." "A bicycle seat is a little hard on Lady Godiva's historical background." "Shut up!" "I see." "Lady Godiva doesn't belong on a bicycle." "But it's ok to put Napoleon in a Kaplan and McGuire non-wrinkling 250 union suit." "Quite right, that's not history." "And if I may say so they do wrinkle." "I'm a commercial artist." "I'm being paid for telling the world that if Napoleon were alive today." "He would wear Kaplan and McGuire 250 non-wrinkling underwear." "Pure hooey." "You're wasting your time painting for art galleries." "You should get in contact with some bicycle manufacturer." "You'd clean up." "I'll give you a good slogan:" ""Join Lady Godiva on our tandem!"" "Don't say nuts." "Not to a lady." "Hurry up Gilda, shake a leg." "It's amazing how a few insults can bring people together in three hours." "It was certainly good to hear all the names you called me." "I haven't heard them since I left Father and Mother." "What we want to know is, do you like us better than Kaplan and McGuire?" "Let me tell you:" "Curtis and Chambers deliver the goods!" "I don't think it's Kaplan." "I doubt if it's McGuire." "And it's certainly not Napoleon." "Take a letter." "My dear Mr Thomas B. Chambers." "Cross that out." "Mr. Chambers." "Comma - paragraph." "I'm writing you in regard to your undesirable attentions to Miss Gilda Farrel." "No no no that won't do at all." "I want the copy to read exactly as I laid it out." "The real aristocrat surrenders to Murphy "hold 'em up" suspenders and put "hold 'em up" in a brighter colour." "And listen, put that French touch in the suspenders." "Where was I?" "Undesirable attentions to Miss Gilda Farrel." "I'm afraid, Bassington, that you are wrong." "I'm afraid, Bassington, that you are right but none the less boring." "Bassington curls his lips foolishly and crosses to left." "Bassington speaks:" "there's only one thing I have to say to you:" "what could he say?" "There's only one thing I have to say to you:" "ah Plunkett Incorporated." "Welcome to Bohemia, Sir." "How do you do?" "I'm getting on, Sir in my modest way." "And you?" "I'm well, thank you." "You're looking splendid." "That's a fetching tie, and these spats!" "Very exiting." "What an ensemble." "But personally, I don't like derbies." "They give a man that undertaker-look." "My dear Mr Chambers, I've come here to speak to you man-to-man." "My favourite type of conversation." "I whish to broach a rather delicate subject." "Oh now don't let's be delicate Mr Plunkett, let's be cruel and objectionable both of us." "One of the greatest handicaps to civilization and I may say, to progress is the fact that people speak with ribbons on their tongues." "Delicacy, as the philosophers point out, is the banana peel under the feet of truth." "And if you've come up here to raise a fuss about Gilda this derby is a thing of the past." "Mr Chambers, I don't wish you to misunderstand me." "I am not Miss Farrel's husband nor her fiance in any shape, form or manner." "I see, her devoted friend." "Yes. for five years." " Her guide, I take it, her counsel." " Yes." " Her protector." " Exactly." "In other words Mr Plunkett, you never got to first base." "I'll overlook that insult." "Thank you." "will you be seated?" "Mr Chambers, your attentions to Gilda are undesirable." " Has she been complaining?" " No." "Good." "I'm very busy Mr Plunkett." "I'm creating." "Mr Chambers, there's only one thing I have to say to you:" "you know what it is?" "Yes." "Immorality may be fun." "But it isn't fun enough to take the place of 100% virtue and three square meals a day." "Wait a minute:" "immorality may be fun but it isn't fun enough to take the place." " Of 100% virtue." " And three square meals a day." " Superb!" " Furthermore..." "Not another word!" "that's a curtain." "Three square meals a day and Bassington exits." "Listen to me Plunkett Incorporated." "I'm in love with Gilda." "I adore her." "I'm quite insane about her." "I love you Gilda." "That's sweet to hear." "Gilda, sometimes I wonder what I see in you." "You don't appreciate me and you know nothing about Art." "Maybe you love me because I'm an imbecile." "Must be something like that." "I really love you." "I'm amazed at myself." "It's sincere, that's what gets my goat." "I'm very fond of you." "You're fond of me, huh?" "I don't like that." "I know what's the trouble." "I swear I'll break his neck." "Gilda you're mine." "Tell him to get out of your life and stay out or I'll cut him to bits." " Who?" " That fellow of yours, Max Plunkett." "Well, what's the verdict?" "Are you jealous?" "No, I'm not jealous." "The whole point is that I just don't want any competition, that it belittles me in my own eyes, it interferes with my work!" "I can't paint when I'm worried." "Alright, I'll tell Max." "See that you do, understand!" "Yes, sir." "Now please go." "I'll see you tomorrow." "Tomorrow my life begins." " Hello Mr Plunkett." " Hello." "Oh, Mr Curtis." "How are you?" "I'm well, thank you." "Good night, Mr Plunkett." "Just a minute." "What are you doing here?" "At the moment I'm leaving." "I mean, you've seen Miss Farrel?" "Yes, I have seen Gilda." "She's expecting you." "She has some news for you." "Mr Curtis, I wish to broach a rather delicate matter." "It concerns Gilda." "Sit down." "Shoot." "Mr Curtis, what is your annual income in round figures?" "In round figures... zero." "May I ask what you live on?" "Nothing." "I survive by miracles." "Mr Curtis, I must ask you man to man to discontinue your attentions to Gilda." "Now you're making very unbecoming faces, Mr Plunkett." " She doesn't need you." " Say that again." "Mr Curtis, there's only one thing I have to say to you:" "immorality may be fun, but it isn't fun enough to take the place of 100% virtue and three square meals a day." "So this is the way you talk to a man who wears Kaplan and McGuire union-suits." "Mr Plunkett, I shall report you to your client immediately." "Good night sir." " Yesterday it was Tom?" " Yes." " Today it's George." " Yes." "Ok, hoodlums." "Artistic bums." "Both of them put together aren't worth a dime." "Gilda, no one knows better than you how unselfish I've been in all matters pertaining to you." "You've been nice." " I've been marvelous." " No, just nice." "Gilda, I've been your friend for five years." "And I want you to remain my friend for the next fifty years." "So please shut up." "Max, have you ever been in love?" "This is no time to answer that." "Have you ever felt your brain catch fire and a curious dreadful thing go right through your body." "Down down to your very toes." "And leave you with the ears ringing?" "That's abnorm." "That's just how I felt before you came in." "How did you feel yesterday after your promenade with Tom?" "Just the opposite." "It started in my toes and came up up up very slowly until my brain got fire." "But the ringing in the ears was the same." "Did you go to the laundry?" "Hardly." "Why not?" "Two cans of sardines 5 francs." "Mme Poperino, black mail, 7.50 francs." "No laundry." "That's fine." "I haven't got a clean shirt to my name." "Clean shirt!" "what's up, a romance?" "I'm not talking about pyjamas." "I'm talking about a clean shirt." "I don't want to go around looking like a rag picker." "I'm talking about a white shirt a shirt without a spot, without any holes, that won't fall apart when you unbutton your coat." "How old is the laundress?" "About 45." "Young 45?" "I don't know." "She goes barefoot." "She's rather plumb." "A little soapy but a very interesting moustache." "Very charming but not my type." "Moustache or no moustache, I need a clean shirt for tomorrow." "End of act one - curtain." "Don't read it, I know it by heart." "You remember when Bassington has found out that Edgar was the man on the fire escape." "Alright, shoot." "Pause." "Edgar smiles maddeningly." "Bassington plays with his beard in order to cover his emotion." "Edgar speaks:" "I'm afraid Bassington that you are right, but nonetheless boring." "Bassington studies his fingernails like a man of the world, crosses to left." "Edgar continues strumming his mandolin." "Bassington resuming with his beard." "I have only one thing to say to you." "Immorality may be fun, but it's not fun enough to take the place of 100% virtue and three square meals a day." "What's the matter?" "So, double-crossing me, eh?" "What are you fuzzing about?" "You didn't write that speech alone, and I know where you got it." "Don't try to lie out of it!" "He was in here, Mr Plunkett." "And it isn't difficult to guess why he was here either." "So, you've been making love to Gilda." "I know, 100% virtue and three square meals a day." "Wait a minute." "So you've heard that speech before." "Where did you hear that speech before?" "I see." "Clean shirt, eh?" "So he caught you with Gilda." "That's a lie, he didn't catch me." "Very pretty work." "true blue George." "Look who's talking about true blue." "I ought to bust you right in that ugly pan of yours." "Let's behave like civilized people." "It's quite apparent beyond any question that your behaved in this matter as a rather common ordinary rat." "I'm leaving." "Where's my suitcase?" "Or have you sold it to somebody?" "This is a little silly." "11 years of friendship." "You should have considered that earlier." "Do you mind a personal question?" "Not at all." "Are you pretty hard hit?" "That's none of your business." "And you?" "Likewise." "What a pity we had to fall in love with the same girl." "Charming, isn't she?" "Rather." "Nice eyes." "Of a sort." "Well, I guess we're through." "Looks like it." "Curious to have a little bit of feminine fluff breaking up our friendship." "Sad." "Quite a dilemma." "I wonder if she's worth it?" "I wonder." "In fact I doubt it." "There's only one thing we know about her:" "she's full of deceit." "She's trying to hang it on both of us." "We shouldn't let her get away with it." "She's a trouble-maker." " We ought to put our foot down." " You're right." "We oughtn't to let her break it up." "I've been listening to these half-witted dramas of yours for 11 years." "and I've grown cock-eyed looking at those humpty-dumpty pictures of yours." "Should we give up all this because of some girl we met on a train?" " Third class." " No woman's worth it." " Absolutely not." "No more clean shirts?" " We ignore her, fifty fifty." " Fine." " Sacrifice helps an artist." " Exactly." "Sorrows of life are the joys of Art." " I don't think we ought to discuss her anymore." " Right." "If occasion arises which requires our mentioning her at all." "We refer to her as Miss Farell." " Make the whole thing more impersonal." " Exactly." "George, did you really sell my suitcase?" " Yeah." " OK." "M. Chambers, M. Curtis, au telephone." "Answer it if you wish." "Go ahead, I trust you." "Thanks." "Just a second." "It's Miss Farell." "What do you want, Gilda?" "I beg your pardon." "I see... just a second, please." "She wants to come up tomorrow." " Tell her absolutely no!" " OK." "Miss Farell is a little late." "Hardly matters." "I think we ought to be polite." "I'm going to assume a very nonchalant attitude." "Don't forget: nonchalant!" " Vous etes bien M. Curtis et M. Chambers?" " Oui." "Je les ai trouves, ils habitent ici." " Au cinquieme." " Merci bien." " How do you do?" " How do you do?" "Tommy, you're such a child." "I'm so nervous." "Couldn't we all be a little bit more nonchalant?" "I came here to make a confession." "A confession hard to make at 11 o'clock in the morning." " George?" " Yes please." "Sit down here." "Shall I leave the room?" "No please!" "George, dear George, when I let you make love to me yesterday, I didn't tell you something." "I didn't tell you that the day before Tom and I had..." "Did he tell you?" " No." " Thank you Tommy." "Very welcome." "George, promise me you won't start smashing furniture." "I'm more than fond of Tommy." " I'm sorry old man." " Quite alright." " Thank you." " OK." "But." "Tom, when we were in the park, do you remember?" " Very well." " I didn't tell you." "That morning I made a date with George for the next evening in my house and I didn't call it off." " And I want to be truthful I..." " I see." "In other words, you're very fond of George." "More than fond." "A thing happened to me that usually happens to men." "You see a man can meet 2, 3 or even 4 women and fall in love with all of them and then by a process of interesting elimination he's able to decide which one he prefers." "But a woman must decide purely on instinct, guesswork, if she wants to be considered nice." "It's quite alright for her to try on 100 hats before she picks one out." "Very fine." "But which chapeau do you want, Madame?" "Both." "You see George, you're sort of like a ragged straw hat with a very soft lining." "A little bit out of shape, very dashing to look at and very comfortable to wear." "And you Tom, chic, piquant, perched over one eye and has to be watched on windy days" "and both so becoming." "Oh I'm the most unhappy woman in the world." "Poor girl, she's in rather a tough spot." "George, dear George, there's no use pretending you could make me forget Tom." " I'd miss him." " You would not." "But for the sake of argument:" "OK." "And Tom, if I went with you up hill and down dale he would haunt me like a bogey-man." "It's a pitiful situation." "Well if it will make you happy, I'm gonna step out." "Never mind that grand-stand gesture." "I know how you'll step out:" "with a club!" "On the other hand, if you feel that you can't get along without her it wouldn't be the first sacrifice I've made for you." " What sacrifice?" "what have you ever done for me?" "Look who's talking!" "Little Rollo!" "Why, you're the most self-centred egotistical double crosser I ever know." " Now listen." "If I said..." "There you have it." "you hate him, he hates you and you both'll end up by hating me." "Boys, let's sit down." "Now let's talk it over from any angle, without any excitement, like a disarmament conference." "Bonsoir messieurs. c'est assez pour quatre a diner?" "Le pain de veaux est delicieux, les brouettes de mouton sont fraichement cuites et les pieds de cochons sont merveilleux." "Merveilleux!" "Tres piquant." " Trois frankfurters." " Ah bon tres bien monsieur, toute suite." " Well." " What do you think?" "I think it can be worked out." " Providing..." " Yes you're right." "Providing..." "OK boys, it's the only thing we can do:" "let's forget sex." " OK." " Agreed." "Maybe a bit difficult the beginning." " But it can be worked out." " Oh it'll be grand." " Saves a lot of time - and confusion." "We're gonna concentrate on work." "your work, my work doesn't count." "I think both you boys have a great deal of talent, but too much ego." "You spend one day working and a whole month bragging." "Gentlemen, there are going to be a few changes." "I'm going to jump up and down on your ego." "I'm going to criticize your work with a baseball bat." "I'm going to tell you every day how bad your stuff is until you get something good, and if it's good I'm gonna tell you it's rotten until you get something better." "I'm going to be a Mother of the Arts." "No sex." "It's a gentlemen's agreement." "Rotten, eh?" "Listen my dear girl, when it comes to playwriting you don't know your..." "Your dear little ellbow from a barrel of flour." "The third act is marvellous." "I've never written anything better." "It's rotten." "Fortunately I know that intellectually you're still in rompers." "You should have realized by now, my dear, that I hate stupidity masquerading as criticizm." "Rotten." "So I've had enough of that." "You're ruining me, you're ruining my work." "You're just being cheap and malicious." "Rotten." "Very well, it's the last time you're going to tell me that." "Good bye my dear." "I beg your pardon." "Forgive me for entering unannounced." " Mr. Douglas is very busy." " So they were kind enough to tell me downstairs." "Mr Douglas, I consider you the greatest theatrical producer in London." "In fact, in the world." "My dear lady, what precisely do you want?" " Well I've read your list of productions for the next London season." " Yes?" "They're very bad." "But believe me, there's no need for you to despair." "The situation isn't entirely black, Mr Douglas." " Have you ever heard of a playwright called Thomas Chambers?" " No." " You've never read a play called "Goodnight Bassington"?" " Heavens, no!" "Never!" "Well here it is." "Read it." "I'm sure you'll adore it." "It's a woman's play." "Those faking art dealers." "Peanut brains, parasites!" " Maybe he's right." "Maybe they are..." " No they are not!" " I don't know Gilda." " Well I know." "Those paintings are great." "And don't let anybody tell you they aren't." " Three of them have." " Well they're all fools." "They'll be breaking their necks to get hold of your work." " Maybe when I'm dead." " Stop it." " If you can't believe in yourself, believe in me." " I'm no good." "It's getting obvious." "George, you're a fine painter you're an artist, you're going to be one of the great ones and if you lie down in the middle of the road I'll hate you." "Well friends." "The gentleman addressing you is none other than the illustrious Mr Thomas B. Chambers." "The new dramatic thunderbolt of the London theatre." ""Good Night Bassington" has been accepted." " You don't mean it?" " Did you sign the contract?" "In letters of fire." "100 pounds advance." "It's colossal." "Bank of England." " That's a good bank, eh?" " The best!" "By the way Gilda, I neglected to mention." "I'm supposed to go to London." " Tonight?" " Tonight." "Mr. Douglas seems to thing that I might be a great help during rehearsals." " You know, half the play depends on some..." " On bringing out its brittle quality." "Oh yes." "What do you think?" "Shall I go?" "Well you could do a lot in London, there's no doubt about that." "It'll help the publicity of course." "But on the other hand if you stay here you can finish your new play and yet you might make some valuable connections in London." "But I'm just wondering if you could do as good work in the midst of all that hullabaloo as you could if you stayed here." "Oh well Tom, I..." "Gilda, I couldn't do good work anywhere without you and you know it." "And if there should be any curtain call after that third act." "How could I take the bows alone." "You're nice Tom." "I'm not going." "Step a little more forward Mr Chambers." "smile please." "Take off your hat Mr. Douglas." "Hold it." "Well in five weeks you'll be taking the same train and the three of us will sit in the royal box at the opening." "En voiture." " Good bye boy." " Good bye pal." "Good bye Gilda." "Keep that old typewriter of mine booted and spurred." "I will." "You've had enough today please." "OK teacher." "I'll have to sew a button on there." "Gilda I'm a pretty gloomy guy tonight." "I've an idea I'm gonna be rather bad company." "Why don't you go out to a movie or something." ""Tarzan" is playing at the Adelphi theatre." "Go on, like a good girl." "Everything seems different, doesn't it?" "You'd better go Gilda, to Tarzan." "I fancy this... what you might call... tension would keep up for some weeks." "Wouldn't it be wise if I moved to a hotel?" "Yes, Mam." "I love you Gilda, why lie about it?" "You can't change love by shaking hands with somebody." "We're unreal, the three of us, trying to play jokes on nature." "This is real." "A million times more honest than all the art in the world." "I love you." "It's true we have a gentlemen's agreement." "but unfortunately I am no gentleman." "My dearest Gilda and dear George." "This is the first letter I've ever dictated." "So kindly overlook its correct spelling and perfect punctuation." "An honest thought still beats beneath." "Exclamation point - dash - paragraph." "Well pals, you'll be interested to know that all London is agog with my wit and charm." "Underline "charm"." "Period." "Lady Upterdyke, weight 203 ringside has smuggled me into her cage of trained social lions." "Here I am on exhibition nightly up to my neck in duchesses." "Period." "The play by the way is in its second week of rehearsals and looks hotsy-totsy." "I beg your pardon, sir:" ""hotsy-totsy"?" "Yes, hotsy totsy." "And yet, dear friends, these triumphs leave me sad." "In the midst of all this pomp and glitter I always remember that our play was written on that old Remington No 2 typewriter." "And on a never to be forgotten diet of Frankfurters." "My heart is in the highlands of Montmartre and the night finds me pale and thoughtful waiting for the end of my exile, when the three of us" "Athos, Portos and Mlle d'Artangnan will sit in the royal box at the opening of..." "Start the letter over." "Dear George and Gilda." "Good luck." "As ever, Tom." " Good evening Mr Chambers." " How's the house tonight?" " Completely sold out." " Advance sales?" " Colossal." " How's the program selling tonight?" " Enormous." " Busy?" " Tremendous." " And what were you doing on the fire-escape?" " Cooling off." " And what was your mandolin doing in my bed?" " I must ask you to leave my mandolin out of this." "Edgar, I have only one thing to say to you:" "immorality may be fun but not fun enough to take the place of 100% virtue and three square meals a day." " How do you do, Plunkett." " How do you do." "Oh Mr Chambers!" "That's a very funny play you've got in there, in spots." "Thank you." " How is Paris?" " Great, fine." "Advertising going bigger than ever, the French are getting billboard-crazy." "How is Paris otherwise?" " Oh you don't know what happened!" " No, what?" "Well it's quite a story." "The French government objected to showing Napoleon in union suits." "I was up against it for a while, but I changed it to Julius Cesar." "I'll tell you something:" "outsold Napoleon two to one." "Just goes to show." "Anything else going on in Paris?" "No, no." "Well, I'm glad I ran into you." "Pretty good play for the money." "Oh Mr Chambers, I almost forgot, best regards from George and Gilda." "Oh thanks." "How is George?" "We are friends." "As you know, at first I was inclined to withhold my approval of the whole thing, but you know how much I like Gilda." "It's true I didn't get to first base, but..." "lots of other people didn't either." "George is getting along nicely?" "Oh great, great." "He painted me a portrait, from here up." "That put him over in the art world." "Yes sir!" " How is Gilda?" " Fine." "When they first broached the project of painting me I put my foot down," " But Gilda." " How is she?" " Fine." "It turned out to be a great painting." "It's a masterpiece." "Looks exactly like me." "It's called "Man with Derby"." "Yes sir!" "The French museum bought it." "Snapped it right up!" "I'm hanging on exhibition on the south wall." "Attracts lots of people." "Yes sir!" "Is Gilda happy, is she...?" "Oh, she's just crazy about that painting." "Well I'm glad I run into you, I've got a lot of business on my stay." "My things please." "Terrific tonight, isn't it?" "Rather." "Excusez moi, c'est bien chez M. Curtis?" "Non, M. Curtis a demenage." "Il démeure 115 Rue de la Faisanderie." "Pourrais-je parler a M. Curtis?" " You want to talk to Mr Curtis, don't you?" " Yes." "Well I'm sorry, but Mr Curtis is not at home." "What time do you expect him back?" "Mr Curtis is out of town." " That's too bad." " Something important?" " Rather." "Well, I'll let you talk to his secretary." " To his secretary?" " Yes, to his secretary." " Mr Curtis' secretary?" " The same." "My card." "Thomas B. Chambers London's leading playwright and foremost wit." " Come on, it doesn't say that!" " It should." " Hello you old vampire." " You hooligan." " You Benedict Arnold." " You..." "Shall we be seated?" "Like your suit." "Thanks very much." "I'm sorry George isn't here." "He's in Nice." "He's painting a Mrs. Butterfield." " Really?" " A rotund but noble creature from Des Moines." " Des Moines, Iowa." " Yes." "Oh it's so good to see you." "Is it?" " I've so much to..." " To tell me." "Yes." "I can imagine." "Oh Tommy, if you've forgiven George, why not me?" " We did the same thing." " Not at all!" "George betrayed me for you." "Without wishing to flatter you I understood that." "I can still understand it." "But you betrayed me for George." "An incredible choice." "You didn't keep it oiled." "I did for a while." "The keys are rusty." "The shift is broken." "But it still rings!" "It still rings." "Does it?" "Oh." "Mr Plunkett." "Hello Gilda, I must get in touch with George immediately." "I just got back from London, dropped into the Luxemburg museum with some friends." "And big results for George!" "Commission for two portraits, Mrs Olsen from Buffalo, you know the Buffalo Olsens?" "And Ernie Maxwell, the "tomato juice man"." "Both of them willing to pay as high as..." "What was the matter?" "Is George back?" "Why didn't you tell me?" " He came unexpectedly this morning." " He did?" "He's asleep. he only arrived a couple of hours ago, he had a dreadful night on the train." "You know, his old neuralgia is back." "Well you tell him to get in touch with me, just as soon as he wakes up." "I almost forgot to tell you." "Guess who I saw in London?" " The King?" " No, Tom Chambers." "How is he?" "Well I wouldn't want George to hear this, but if you ask me." "No good!" "You made the right choice alright, in a way." "That guy in there ten times as good." "Max, do me a favour, go away!" "I know, you've always had a soft spot for this fellow Chambers." "Please Max, I've a terrible headache." " What's the matter, anything wrong?" " No, just one of my blue days." " Can I do anything for you?" " No Max, please!" " Don't tell George, don't even mention Tom." "I wouldn't be wanna be mixed up, you know how it is, it's a rather delicate matter." " And you don't wanna broach it?" " No." " Then don't!" " Goodbye Max." " Goodbye." "Why don't you find some aspirin?" "You're sweet Max, but aspirin won't help this time." " Nothing serious, I hope?" " I hope not." " Well if anything should happen..." " I'll come to you and ask for your advice." " Will you?" " Always, Max." " Thank you Gilda." " Thank you." "Goodbye." "Breakfast is ready." "No orange juice?" "We never have any." "Darling, will you remember after this:" "orange juice every morning!" "Large glass." "Every morning?" "Except Sundays." "Baked apples." "It's going to make a big revolution in my menu." "The eggs are just right." "You can have mine, too." " No eggs for Gilda?" " No." " Conscience bothering you?" " No." "Confused?" "Very much so." "Gilda, is George still given to smashing things?" "We have to tell him the truth, regardless of what happens to the furniture." "I wonder if he'll hit me?" "He was never very civilized." "You're right." "He is kind of... barbaric." "You know Gilda, we did a marvellous job on that third act." "I've a feeling if we got together, collaborated on a note to leave behind and really worked on it, it will not only be a very fine piece of literature, but it might save me a black eye." "No no I can't run away." "I don't know how I'm gonna tell him, I don't dare think." "I don't even know what I'm going to tell him." "It's very simple." "You love me." "That's the only thing I'm sure of right now." "Let's forget the rest, let's not talk about it." "We've two more days, let's enjoy them." "Tommy, I never forgot you." "In fact, you never left me." "You haunted me like a nasty ghost." "On rainy nights, I could hear you moaning down the chimney." "What do we do after lunch?" " We'll take a long walk," " Oh yes, let's walk and walk until we are dead tired." "Gilda, I've got a better idea." "Let's stay home instead." "Well, London-Louis, the old rat himself!" " Phony playwright, how are you?" " Fine." " When did you arrive?" " Last night." "Boy I can't tell you how..." " How are you darling?" " Fine." "I forgot to kiss you, you can blame him!" " Well how are you, pal?" " Fine." "Lucky I walked out on the Butterfields." "What happened?" "A very involved argument about la Butterfield's double-chin." "I said to her:" "Madame, I am an artist, not a masseur!" "Up speaks Mr Butterfield and..." "What are you doing in that suit?" "Tuxedo for breakfast, eh?" "Is that a new London custom?" " George..." " I didn't ask you." "Well Tom, you know what I'm thinking." "It's true." " George." " Shut up!" "That's one way of meeting the situation:" "shipping clerk comes home, finds missus with boarder." "He breaks dishes." "Pure burlesque." "Then there's another way:" "intelligent artist returns unexpectedly finds treacherous friends." "Both discuss the pros and cons of the situation in grown-up dialogue." "High-class comedy enjoyed by everybody." "And there's a third way:" "I'll kick your teeth out, tear your hair off and beat some decency into you." "Cheap melodrama." "Very dull." "George, stop it!" "Still very dull." "I suppose you feel sorry for him." "I feel sorry for you." "I'm sorry I hurt you but it was inevitable." "Go on, get out of here, both of you." "It's hard to believe I loved you both." "I don't want any part of either of you go on, go with him and his top-hat and fancy pants and silly name in lights and good luck to both of you." "The London train leaves a 4 o'clock." "You'll be very happy, I promise." "Thank you Tom, I'll pack." "Goodbye George." "You did the right thing about the Butterfields, and George." "After I've gone, don't change." "Don't ever bow to double-chins, stay an artist." "That's important." "In fact, the most important thing." "I didn't want to praise you in front of Gilda but you certainly packed a wicked right." "A real wallop." "There are a number of things here which belong to her." " That's alright, never mind." " No, I don't want them, where shall I send them?" "C/o my name, the Carlton Theatre, London." "And the mail?" "Same place, I'll see that she gets it." "Anything else?" "Not that I can think of." "If anything should come up, you'll be at this address?" "That's immaterial, I don't want to enter into any correspondence." "As you wish." "You'd better tell her to hurry up, it's getting to be a strain." " Give her a chance to pack." " Well, tell her to pack." "Alright, hurry up, Gilda!" "Hurry up, darling." "Here, you rattle snake." " So that's how you feel?" " Yes, that's how I feel." "Understand?" "Perfectly." "I felt that way once." "Gilda, you got room in your trunk?" "Here, for you." " What's that?" " A note from Gilda." "Tommy dear." "I am running away because I am afraid your house in London has a chimney, too." "And I fancy, on rainy nights I will hear." "And I fancy, on rainy nights I will hear that old devil George moaning." "So be nice and let me be nice, maybe I'll like it, Gilda." "You think she'll come back?" "No." "Shall we try to find her?" "What's the use?" "The Mother of the Arts wants to be a nice girl." "Tragic." "No, it's comic." "Two slightly used artists in the ash-can." "You'll get drunk." "It's the only sensible thing to do." " To Gilda." " To Gilda." "Would you care to hit me?" "Please help yourself." "I'm too high class." " A gentleman, eh?" " To my fingertips." "May I refer you to a letter, sent to you from London, in a similar crisis?" "A very high class document." "I could have enclosed some small-pox germs easily" "But you didn't." "Very considerate." "Let's drink to that." "To small-pox germs." "In Latin: veriola cocci." "I think we're being very sensible." "Extremely." " Good for our livers." " Good for our immortal souls." "Bad for our stomachs." "That's loose thinking." "What's better for your stomach may be highly entertaining for my stomach." "I'm glad the conversation is taking a scientific turn." "It's better than discussing Gilda." " We must forget Gilda!" " Utterly!" " Let's change the subject." " Right." "Let's talk about something entirely new:" "let's talk about ourselves." "Very interesting." " To ourselves." " No!" "It's bad taste." "Well we can't drink to nothing." "It's better than drinking to ourselves." " To nothing." " No!" " I refuse to be silly." " That's right." "Well there must be a reason for drinking." " To..." " No!" "I bed your pardon." "To Kaplan and McGuire." "Don't be hasty." "To Kaplan." "And now to McGuire." "A letter to my mother." "Mrs. Oscar F. Plunkett, Utica, New York." "Dear Mama," "I will arrive on the 25th of this month on the US liner SS Manhattan." "I will be accompanied by Miss Gilda Farrel." "Miss Gilda Farrel is the daughter of Mr. and Mrs. Anthony G. Farrel, of Fargo, North Dakota." " Got the ring?" " Yes." " Feeling nervous, Max?" " No." "Had a fine nap." "Feel a 100%." "How does it feel to be Mrs. Plunkett?" "Any different?" "Well it feels like standing with your feet on the ground." "Peaceful Max, and so secure." "You bet." "It's going to be nice to be a law-abiding citizen." " Gilda." " What lovely flowers." "Strump  Eaglebauer." "Very fine people, Strump  Eaglebauer." "biggest cement people in town." "You'll like them." "They sound adorable." " Gilda?" " Yes Max?" "Now that it's all over, the exitement, etc." "I'd like to know, what's your attitude?" "My attitude?" "What about?" "I mean, do you love me?" "Oh Max, people should never ask that question on their wedding night." "It's either too late or too early." "I'm your wife, Max." "That's well put." " Gilda, it's 9.30." " Oh that late?" "I have an appointment in the morning, 10.15 sharp." "Kaplan and McGuire." "Your friends from now on, as well as mine." "What did they do that for?" "Why they want to remember us, I think it's very nice of them." "This is no time for remembering." "It would have been much more tactful of them to forget." "I think it's offensive." "Oh well, now that's a closed chapter in your life." "Anyhow, you've nothing to worry about on that score." "I've forgiven you." "Forgiven me?" "For what?" "Oh that's alright." "Well I don't want to be forgiven." "Well I forgive you just the same." "It will make you feel better." "It's their idea of a joke." "I can just see them, sitting in China, laughing their heads off." "About what?" "It's a rotten trick." "It's cheap." "Well it shouldn't surprise you." "They never fooled me for a minute." "Hooligans!" "Max, I don't care to discuss them at all." "but if you ever feel it necessary to mention them." "Don't call them hooligans!" "Oh well of course they have some fine points." "Please stop talking about them!" "It's my wedding night." "Leave those two boys where they are, in China!" "I've an appointment tomorrow morning." "10.15 sharp." "It's important." " Hello darling." " Hello." "Well, Gilda, great news for you." " Our party's in the bag." " Really?" " Yes sir." "Guess what?" " I give up." " Mr. Eaglebauer has accepted." " Is that good?" "Say, listen, I'll guarantee you one thing." "That this party be a success and inside of two weeks we'll be invited to the Eaglebauers." "I see, an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth." "Oh don't talk like that!" "Strump and Eaglebauer are figuring on the greatest publicity campaign in the history of cement." "What about the Strumps?" "Don't we have to invite them, too?" "Mr Strump comes first." "Strump and Eaglebauer." "No no we can't have them at the same time." "They're not on speaking terms." "That's right." "I forgot about Mr Stump and Mrs Eaglebauer." " Oh don't mention that!" "Don't even breathe it!" " I won't." " You promise?" " Promise." "Word of honour?" "Cross my heart." "And please don't worry about the Strumps." "A week from Tuesday we'll have the Strumps, that's diplomacy." "And if the Strump party is a big social success, is there any chance we'll be invited to the Strumps?" "It's a cinch." "What a season." "Everybody, please everybody who wants to play "20 questions", all in the living room." "Everybody who wants to play "20 questions", all in the living room." "Gilda, what are you doing here?" "Just resting between rounds." "They're going to play "20 questions" in the living room." "Mr Eaglebauer has requested it." "It's gonna be great fun." "but I've had so much fun all evening it's almost too much for me." ""Post office" with Kaplan and McGuire." ""Drop the handkerchief" with the Linoleum Group." " But Mr Eaglebauer!" " I've just played "Going to Jerusalem" with Mr. Eaglebauer." "But now he wants to play "20 questions"." " You've got to come, there's no way of getting out of it." " Alright." "We'll start right away." "Alright Gilda." "Is it animal, vegetable or mineral?" "Are you expected?" "No, not exactly expected." "Anticipated, hoped for and dreamed about." "You wish to see Mr Plunkett?" " No." " Positively no." "Mrs Plunkett, if you please." "Mrs Plunkett is engaged in playing "20 questions"." "She can't be disturbed." " Oh I see." " 20 questions." "Makes it rather difficult." "Well, what do you say Inspector?" "I beg your pardon, this is Inspector Knox." "Well Sergeant, excuse me, Sergeant O'Toole." "Headquarters." "Shall I notify them?" "No don't bother, please we'll wait." "Any trouble?" "No, not at all, we're only here on behalf of the Policemen's Benefit Ball." " About some tickets?" " Righto." "Alright. wait if you want to." "Inspector, how did the butler strike you?" "A dual personality." "Shall we look over the premises?" "Righto Sergeant." "We may run into some valuable clues." "Shall we start with the kitchen?" "No, let's begin with the boudoir." " Animal, vegetable or mineral?" " Animal." "I won't do it." "I've asked Mr Eaglebauer 10 questions and that's enough." "I'm worn out." " Gilda, I insist!" " I won't do it!" " You're ruining everything." " I don't care." "I won't ask Mr Eaglebauer to sing." " Alright, then I will have to ask him myself." " Fine." " And you'll have to come downstairs and listen." " Nothing doing." "But he brought his music." "I'm not going to listen to that Eaglebauer sing." "I won't I won't I won't." "Oh please Max, let me rest." "Alright, get your rest." "Take two minutes and come down." "Well dear me." "Look who's here." "How did you get in?" "Shall we tell her?" "I would." "we have nothing to conceal." "The stork brought us." "I thought you were in China." "We moved." "Shall we sit down?" "Yes please." "That's Tom." "That's George." "And this is Gilda." "Oh no that's not Gilda, it's Mrs Plunkett." "No that's Gilda." "Let's see." "There's a certain resemblance." "You're right, it's Mrs Plunkett." "but from here, she looks a teeny weeny bit like Max." "Maybe it's Mr Plunkett." "Oh I doubt it." "And he really fell in the river?" "Feet first." "What's this?" "What's going on here?" "We have callers from China." "What are you doing here?" "We're hiding from Mr Eaglebauer." "Listen, this is no time for jokes." "I haven't invited you, I don't want you here and neither does Gilda." "Gilda, you must come down, Eaglebauer is on his second song." "What am I gonna say, what am I gonna do?" "One moment Mr Plunkett." "Question: who is this Mr Eaglebauer?" "You see, Mr Eaglebauer is not only a first-rate singer, but he is also the head of Strump and Eagleb..." "I want you two to leave these premises at once!" "Well Inspector, what do you think?" "Animal, vegetable or mineral?" "Vegetable." "You arranged all this." "You were expecting them." "Don't be silly, I arranged nothing, I knew nothing about it." " How did they get here then?" " The stork brought them." "Oh I see what you mean." "Hooligans, that's what they are and that's what they always will be." "Maybe they are." "Maybe I'm a hooligan, too." "Maybe I want to be a hooligan." "No Gilda no no you don't." "Now we've got to calm down." " You want a glass of water?" " No thank you." "Now I'm going to drop the whole matter, I forgive you." "Are you starting to forgive me again?" "Now just relax and be a good girl, I'll handle this." "You let me go down first." "And I'll sell them the idea that you've had an attack of hickups." "And then two minutes later you come down and you tell Mr. Eaglebauer." " I'll tell him." " Yes, you tell Mr. Eaglebauer." "That you are extremely sorry, make a simple little apology but sincere." "Say that you heard his singing all the way upstairs, and even at that distance it was wonderful." "Now listen, Plunkett incorporated." "You go down to those customers of yours and give them the sales talk." "Sell them anything you want, but not me." "I'm fed up with underwear, cement, linoleum." "I'm sick of being a trade mark married to a slogan." " Gilda?" " Don't you tell them I've hickups." "Tell them I've got the advertising blues, the billboard collywobbles." "Slogans and sales talk, morning, noon and night and not one human sound out of you in your whole flock of Eaglebauers." "That's just a lot of words." "There's only one issue here:" "if this Strump and Eaglebauer deal is spoilt I'll know just who to blame." "Where is everybody?" "I think they've all gone home." "Gone home?" "What for?" "Why?" " You should never have socked McGuire." " Socked McGuire?" "I admit I was a bit careless but how should I know that Kaplan would creep up in the back?" "That's partnership!" "But the real surprise of the evening was Eaglebauer." " He starts slow." " Yes but warms up." " Wonderful footwork." "What happened?" "Was there a fight?" " A marvellous fight!" " Quite a demonstration." " Gilda." " I know all about it." "I'm awfully sorry, but it all can be remedied very easily." "You've got to do something about it at once." "Quite right." "But let me do it." "After all it was my friends who caused the trouble and I'm to blame." "Max, I'm going to make a great sacrifice for your business." "I'm going to leave you." "Leave me?" "You're crazy!" " That won't help." " Oh yes it will, tremendously." "Now tomorrow you put on your nicest derby and you go and call on your customers." "and tell them you separated from your wife because of her connections with those two terrible wretches." "I'll guarantee you'll be considered the biggest marvel in the history of cement." "So, I see, that's the way you feel about the matter." "Good old Max, cheer up, you really haven't any complaints." "I more than doubled your business since our bridal night and after I leave you it's liable to triple." "It's all you really wanted anyway." "Now Gilda, be sensible." "Oh that's Mr Eaglebauer." "Oh how are you, Mr Eaglebauer?" "And poor Mrs Eaglebauer, how is she?" "Well Mr Eaglebauer, you must realize that I had nothing to do with it whatsoever." "Oh I can explain everything to your fullest satisfaction." "I guarantee it." "Thank you Mr. Eaglebauer." "Oh that's big of you." "Tomorrow morning 9 o'clock, sharp." "You've made me a very happy man, Mr. Eaglebauer." "Now we'll have some fun." "Back to Paris." " To the same old studio?" " The same old dump." "And work!" " Right." " But you can't paint in that suit." " I'll burn it." " And you can't write in that top hat." " In the ash can with it." "Let's hear Gilda: can you still say "rotten"?" "Gilda, you're gonna criticize us with that baseball bat of yours?" "Till you say uncle." "Dear critic." "Boys, this is very important, there's one thing that has to be understood:" " I know." " Yes we know." "It's a gentlemen's agreement."