"[Jacuzzi Boys' "Vizcaya" playing] â™ªâ™ª" " â™ª Gonna have a smoke â™ª 'Cause the train's gonna be a slow oh â™ª â™ª Here I go â™ª Livin' so far away â™ª Viva, Vizcaya today" "â™ª Ay â™ªAy ay â™ª" " Ladies and gentlemen, your hosts for tonight," "Jonah Ray and Kumail Nanjiani!" " Wow!" "Whoa!" "Wow!" " Yeah." "So sorry." " Oh, my God." " I thought we were doing a dance." " Do it." " I need a beat." "Beatbox." " Ba-dum-dum-tish." "Go, I'll do it." " Beatbox." " I'll do my best." " Okay." "Two, three, four." " [beatboxing]" "Wow." "Boom, boom, yeah!" " They're good." "Just to give you a little scoop, we're all comedians." "We all get it, we've all done festivals." "I did Montreal a few times." "So they're good." "The energy's good." "You're gonna have a great time." "I have nothing to add, other than I know you're gonna rock it tonight." " All right." " And you know what?" "A lot of the--I'm free to go." "I can go home right now." " No, stay!" " I'm staying right here!" " Stay!" " No, wait, wait, wait." "Can we" " Oh, you wanna do a thing?" " Yeah, yeah, let's do a thing." "Come on, yeah, yeah, yeah." " Let's get it in." "Maria, why don't you-- all:" "One, two, three, Meltdown!" " Yes!" " If that doesn't make the final cut, fuck this show." "Fuck it." " You've been getting, like, more acting jobs and stuff." " I've been trying." " Yeah, no, you've been getting them." "And you asked me to, like, teach some stuff about acting to you." " Uh, yeah, sure, yeah." " Yeah, okay, so I actually wrote up some scripts for us to do." " Oh, cool." " Yeah, and I'll teach you, so hold on one second." " Oh, sweet." " Yeah" " You don't want to do, like, normal scenes from other movies or" " The problem with other scenes from normal movies is that you've seen the movie." "Now you're trying to recreate what Dustin Hoffman did, and we're not quite there yet." " Yeah, yeah, yeah." "Yeah." " Here you go." "Scene one, it's, uh, interior, fancy restaurant." "Samantha." "I don't blame you for our marriage falling apart." "I don't blame you for the death of our child." "I blame--I blame myself." "I blame myself for every time" "I turned a blind eye to your selfish ways." "And now, 30 goddamn years of marriage," "I'm strong enough to say no." "No, Jason, I will not ever love you ever again." "The waiter enters." " Here's your check." " Okay, um..." "That was not that good." " Well, I thought I was gonna be playing Jason." "What am I gonna do?" ""Oh, here's your check."" "That's all-what-- like, I don't understand" " There was no inner life to the character." " To the waiter?" " Yeah!" "He's a waiter today." "What was he yesterday?" "What does he want to be tomorrow?" "What color are his shoes?" "What does he like?" "What does he not like?" "It's all on the page." " Yeah, today he's a waiter." "Tomorrow he'd rather not be a waiter." " Well, I didn't hear that." " Fi--I don't" " There's something about this show where it's, like you said, these kids." "I consider you all to be in the kids range, and it's like they're just shot out of a cannon to be here, and it's the most fun-- it's so fun." " Okay, I appreciate you saying that." " Having said that, this material might not work, and if I bomb, don't feel bad if you have to cut me out of the show." "I didn't mean to" "I just want to apologize up front." "Some of these jokes might not be very good, uh, and 'cause they're newer, and I just don't want you to feel bad if you ruin my set by not laughing." "'Cause it's as much my fault as yours." "So, uh, I'm not confident about this outfit." "I'm kind of changing from my old style, was "mom who got fed up and left the family camping trip early."" "And, uh--and then the new style that I'm trying for is "newly divorced mom pretending to be a good sport about getting back into the swing of things."" "And, uh..." " Why did we not coordinate this shit, dude?" "I knew I should have asked." " â™ª Just a couple of friends â™ª One's into stripes â™ª One likes a pocket, and the other is white â™ª" " Yeah!" " Um, I don't like to get political, but I feel like both sides of the spectrum right now, it's really popular to say that America's going down the toilet, and I feel like we still have a lot of reasons to be proud." "We still have freedom of the press, and, like, every week, journalists stick their neck out to bring us pictures of celebrities without their makeup on, and that's just one for you to catch your breath." "Uh..." "[chuckles]" "Last summer they came out with a movie about those guys that were trapped in a mine in Chile for 2 1/2 months." "And when they finally rescued them, they all at first told reporters that they had sweared to never talk about what had happened down there, and the reason they did that is 'cause they were poor, and they thought that if they banded together," "they could force the networks to pay them to tell their story, and they really needed the money, especially 'cause they had just taken" "2 1/2 months off from work, and so" "But that's the reason that-- that's why they said that, but some journalists speculated that the secrecy was because they had had sex with each other down there." "And I thought that was really crazy." "But then I thought about it for a while and I was like, you know what, we could all picture ourselves going up to one of our coworkers and being like," ""Hey, Carlos, I know that it's been over a month" ""since any of us have seen a shower or a toilet," ""and we're probably not gonna get out of here alive, but I was just wondering are you horny at all?"" "[thunder rumbling]" "Hi, I'm God." "I'd like to introduce you to my tightest creations," "The Five Footprints." "[thunder rumbling]" " Thank you, God." " [harmonizing] â™ª God - â™ª God" " â™ª God" " Hi, I'm Brother Drennon, and I make the beats." "And God wants me to..." "P." " Hi, I'm Brother Ron, and I make the raps, 'cause I'm black." "And God wants us to R." " Hi, I'm Brother Rory, and I'm the hype man." "And God wants us to A." " Hi, I'm Brother Joseph, and God wants us to, you know, uh" " Joe, what's going on?" " It's a Y." "It would be a Y." " You don't have a shirt on." " We worked this out before we got here." " Listen, so anyway, we're called The Five Footprints, and the fifth footprint is God's, so just" " No, no, no, no, no." " You're changing the subject." " What happened?" "You didn't even, like, try." "You didn't even, like, write a Y on you or anything." " You have so many shirts with a Y on them." " Can--can I be honest with you guys?" " Yes, it's national television." " Sure, yeah." " I--I've stopped wearing a shirt." " What?" " Yeah, I've stopped wearing shirts, because too many women try to have sex with me." "Okay?" "And that is a dirty, dirty sin." " Okay, that makes sense." " You guys heard what Joe just said just then." "He said he doesn't wear a shirt because women are evil." "And they try to have sex with him all the time, when they think his body is cool and delicious." "But when they see the truth, they stay away." "I think we all know something called the Devil, the snake that's out there." "All of us guys, we got a little snake right here, don't we?" " You know what he's talking about." " Yeah, you know." " Let's just do the song." " [hissing]" " [beatboxing] â™ª" " Tell 'em what it's about." " Ron... â™ª This song's about sex â™ª And how it's dirty and how it's a sin â™ª â™ª So why don't you fill these motherfucking people in â™ª" " â™ª I'm feeling blessed and I'm feeling cool â™ª â™ª I just got home from Sunday school â™ª â™ª Just trying to get back to my apartment â™ª" "â™ª So I kick back, smoke some sacrament â™ª â™ª But what, something catches me out my eyes â™ª â™ª I see a church dress wrapped around some fat-ass thighs â™ª" "â™ª How am I supposed to stay pure â™ª â™ª Get into that sacred place â™ª When girl you know you making me want to fuck your face â™ª" " â™ª And that's a no-no" " Rory, hit 'em with that snake solo!" " [hissing rhythmically] [laughter] â™ª" " Ooh!" " Yeah." " [hissing]" " Yeah." "You know..." "Guys, I've been thinking." " Yeah?" " There's so many better things you could do with your time than have sex." " Yeah." " That's true, that's true." " You know what I'm saying?" " Yeah." " When you feel that temptation, there's better stuff you can do." " Yeah." " Lay it on us, Brother Joe." " I will." " Examples." " You could read a book." "all:" "You could read a book!" " You could go to school." " You can go to school." " Education." " You can play Nintendo." " Do some Nintendo." " You could eat some waffles." " Eat some waffles." " Have some food." " You can get real drunk." " Get what?" " You can do some coke." " No" " You can take that hard dick out of your pants and jerk it all on a motherfuckers's face just like this." " Okay, okay, okay!" " Spread his shit." "[laughter]" " That's a little much, man." " Oh, nice." " What?" " What is that?" " That's where my jizz belongs, on the face of a man and not inside a woman's womb, where it's sinful, okay?" " Okay." "Okay." " Good point." " There's not one person in this room that would disagree with that." " Yeah, we're all on board." " Everybody knows what a sin is, and you avoid them." " Well, what's the problem?" "I don't know how to avoid it unless we break dicks off of our bodies." " That's what the solution is." "Now every guy in here has a dick." "And I want 'em out, and I want them ripped off of your body." "If you truly want to go to heaven, rip your dick off right now, put 'em in a pile... over on this side of the room." " I see zero dicks." "We need more dicks." " More dicks." " Do you want to go to heaven?" "This is not a question." "It's just in the form of one." "It's more of a statement." "I want dicks ripped" "Everyone, get your dick out." "If you see somebody who doesn't have their dick out, look at 'em and say, "Why is mine out?"" " 'Cause we need more dick." "all chanting:" "More dick!" "More dick!" "More dick!" "More dick!" "More dick!" " Here we go!" " Come on." "Come on, here we go." " Come on." " Yeah!" " Don't touch his dick, you guys." " Now everybody put your hands up like this." " Wild--this is a wild crowd tonight." " Put 'em up there." " Wild crowd tonight." " Put 'em up there." " It's a wild, wild" " Put 'em up there." "Now side to side." "Now open wide." " Like you wanna be crucified." " All right, let's go to the next--next one, okay?" " Jesus." " All right." "We open on the bustling streets of San Francisco of the '70s." "It's a beautiful city with rich culture and one of the biggest gay communities in the area." " Uh..." " We see our hero, Kumail, walking down the street." "He's on his way to help feed the homeless when, bam, he is knocked down by a tall, schlubby, bespectacled man." " Get out of San Francisco, [bleep]." " You know what I liked about that is that you brought yourself to the role." " No, I didn't!" "I did not, Kumail." " Well, that's what I liked." "It really felt like you used how you actually felt." " But I don't say that word!" " Well, okay." "What word?" " These kids, they don't want shtick." "They want real emotions." "Put your set list in a pile." " Everyone put your set list-- we're gonna light 'em on fire." " But don't they like it when you acknowledge the inside structure of the shtick?" " Ooh." " And then somehow the shtick is acceptable because you've gone in and explained it from an outside" " What's, like, a good example?" " [imitating flatulence]" " Oh, no, you ruined it!" " [imitating flatulence]" " So philosophical." "Then she shat herself." " You guys, I was recently married about a year ago." "And I was an older bride." "What is that, a specter from the attic?" "And..." "I just want to share with you," "I think the reason my relationship has been so dreamy is because I had an "epiphanoo."" "I was so sick of myself asking that question to people in relationships," ""How did you guys meet?" "Did your hands come together by accident in a garden?"" "And what do people in relationships always say?" ""Oh, we--we met," ""and we just-- we really liked each" ""we really liked each other and we" ""you know, there's ups and downs," ""but we still really like each other, and so we-- we stayed together."" "Oh." "Oh, I'm sorry if you're bored with your miracle!" " Answer" " We don't" " Answer this question." " It doesn't hurt us." " If presented with the opportunity, would you hire him for something?" " Absolutely." " Absolutely." "Without--without question." " Absolutely." "O.J.?" " I wouldn't even think about it." " O.J. on the show?" "If you can--as O.J." " As O.J." " O.J. as O.J." "Just oh, my God." "Like, yeah, O.J.'s coming to dinner." "Watch Loretta Devine" " Yeah, that's amazing." " They're joking about" "You guys are joking about the O.J. thing, right?" " No." "No, we're finally being honest." "Join us." " Okay." " The odds of falling in love with the perfect person at the perfect time are about the odds of, I don't know, being discovered in Hollywood." "Wait a minute." "I asked a similarly desperate question for many years, which was, "How do you make it in show business?" "Do you move to San Diego and disguise yourself as a bush?"" "And what do famous people always say?" "They always say, "Well, do you-- Do you enjoy doing it?" ""Great, great." ""Just keep doing it and pretty soon you think," ""'Wow, this is what I do.'" "Just...best of luck."" "Which turns out is profoundly true." "Is that what a relationship is?" "Is it just showing up?" "I can do that." "I didn't realize that there'd be ambiguity, doubt or confusion, or at least the amount that there is in a job." "'Cause people always say once you've been doing something a long time," ""Oh, but you always wanted to be, you know, a comedian."" "I did not want to do this show tonight." "[ding]" " Oh, shit." "Oh, look at this, yo." " Is that the third show?" " This is awesome." " I've stopped" " It is really dope, though." " Yeah, it's a great poster." " Who did the, uh" " Dave." "[rock music]" " Sold 'em all." " He does a set, too." " Beautiful." " I'm taking this like it's mine." "Can I" " It is, yeah." " Oh, okay." " Can I have one, too?" " Of course." "Only one per twin." " Only one per twin." " That's what we wrote in the budget." " And that's not how we do things." " Yeah, we used to watch a lot of NBA, but we stopped because of the advanced stats." " Oh, yeah, advanced stats ruining the game." "I think it's just too convoluted, man." "I miss the old days when you didn't have to worry about math." " That's right, yeah." " You know?" " I'm tired now." "The stats are too scary." " That's right." " They're terrifying." " Like, we saw this one stat." "Y'all probably saw it, too." "They said every time Steph Curry shoots 40% from the three-point line, a black man gets shot in the hood." " That's right." "It blew our minds, man." " Oh, it was terrifying." "It was horrifying." " Terrifying, man." "We did some more research." "We read in "The Atlantic" that one out of three" "Africa-American dudes get arrested before they turn 31." " That's true." " Yeah, that's true." " We just turned 30." " That's right." "It's getting close, man." " Mm-hmm, mm-hmm." "Mm-hmm." "Fortunately enough, we got a younger brother that's 18." " That's right." "So for the last year, we've been trying to get that dude arrested." " Oh, yeah." " Right?" " I mean, it's either him or us." " That's right, man." " I ain't trying to go to prison." " I like massages." "It's been engrained in me though." " To give massages?" " Yeah, I mean, my mom really fucked me up, 'cause that's, like, what she would do." "She'd be like, she'd come home from work and be like," ""Massage my shoulders."" " Have you had your son massage you yet?" " No, he's not--he's--he's-- he's not into it." "He has shaved my back." "I was" "He likes that." " Too much negative black shit happening, man." " That's true, man." " We got so overwhelmed that we, uh, joined the Black Panther Party." " Mm-hmm." "Mm-hmm, mm-hmm." "It's a shell of its former self." " Yeah." " It's not as powerful as it was in the '60s." "There's only, like, 17 of us." " Yeah." " But, you know, it's cool." " Small but mighty." " Mighty." " Yeah." " Mighty." " And we do cool stuff, like we have movie nights." " Oh, yeah." " Which is cool." " Yeah, yeah, yeah." "We had one last week, and they asked us to bring the movie, man, and we were like, "Yeah, this is gonna be dope."" "We had to think about a movie we wanted to bring, and we brought a hood classic, we brought "Scream 2."" " Yeah, that's right." " And that goes hard in the hood." " It's powerful, man." " It's powerful, man." "So we brought "Scream 2," rushed to the meeting." "We're stoked." "Put it in the DVD player, hit play, and in the first five minutes of the movie," "Jada Pinkett Smith and Omar Epps, they get murdered." " Yeah." " And unfortunately, they're the only black people in the movie." " Yeah." "And we were cool with it, but the rest of the Panthers, they lost their minds." " Oh, yeah." " They didn't like it." "Mustafa stood up." " Yep, he stood up and he was like," ""Look, we can't be watching these movies." ""This is the systematic oppression" ""that I'm talking about." ""See, the black people got killed first." "It's not how I roll." "Let's put another movie in."" " Yeah, and we were like, "Take it easy, Mustafa."" " Oh, yeah." "'Cause, look, after the killer kills the only two black people, he's gonna kill at least 20 white people." " That's right." " You know?" " That's a ten-to-one ratio if you're doing the math." " Yeah, yeah, yeah." "I think that, uh, the Panthers agree with our logic, 'cause this week we're watching the last 15 minutes of the "Titanic."" " That's right." "That's 3,000 to 0." " Oh, yeah." "It's the perfect movie for us." " Thank you, guys." " Thank you." "[cheers and applause]" " The Lucas Brothers." " Yeah, the Lucas Brothers!" " It's over, it's over." " Thank you so much for coming to the show." "Have a good night." " Good night, [indistinct]." " We need." "all:" "More dick!" " We need." "all:" "More dick!" " We need." "all:" "More dick!" " We need." "all:" "More dick!" " We need." "all:" "More dick!" " We need." "all:" "More dick!" " We need." "all:" "More dick!" " Everybody!" "all:" "More dick!" " We need." "all:" "More dick!" " We need." "all:" "More dick!" " We need." "all:" "More dick!"