"All right, Mrs. Freemantle, we will see you next week." "Oh, thank you, Dr. Harper." "And remember, no more rough sex." "Ha, ha." "Dr. Harper, you're terrible." "[BOTH LAUGHING]" "Okay, bye-bye." "[CHUCKLING]" "I wish I was kidding." "The woman's a freak." "You are so good with the patients, Dr. Harper." "Well, thank you." "You're warm and personable and funny, ha, ha." "Oh, I'm all right, ha, ha." "But you, the patients love you." " Heh." "No." " Ah, don't give me "no."" " I'm giving you "no."" " Well, I'm not taking "no."" "[LAUGHS]" " Don't make me blush." " I'm making you blush." "Well, I'm blushing." "[LAUGHS]" " So we all done for the day?" " Yeppers." "Mrs. Freemantle was our last patient." "Okay, then, uh, I will see your smiling face tomorrow." "Ha, ha." "Well, it's only smiling because it's looking at you." "[BOTH LAUGHING]" " Don't make me blush." " I'm making you blush." "Well, I'm blushing." "Ha, ha." "[BOTH LAUGHING]" "I'm so sorry." " L..." "I should apologize." " I'm the one who stepped over the line." " No, I stepped too." " No, I stepped first." " No, no..." " Don't give me "no, no."" "I'm giving you "no, no."" " We can't do this." " I'm sorry, I can't help it." "I ache for you." "Yeah, well, I'm not all that comfortable right now either." " It's..." "It's just that I..." " No, you don't have to explain." "I understand." "Okay." "Okay, well, then, uh, I guess I will see you tomorrow." "I'll be here at, uh, 7:30." "In case you wanna get in early." "Oh, okay." "Uh, I might actually wanna get in early." "You're the boss." "You can get in anytime you want." "Oh, God." " Hi." " Hey." "Mind if I watch the game?" "Uh, actually, I came in here for a little quiet time." "Huh." "[TV PLAYING INDISTINCTLY]" "Still quieter than sleeping under the Santa Monica Pier." " I'm conflicted, Charlie." " Shh, quiet time." "Do you think you can choose who you love?" "Oh, boy." "[SWITCHES OFF TV]" "What's his name?" "What...?" "No." "All right." "Come out when you're ready." "[TV PLAYING INDISTINCTLY]" "[TV SWITCHES OFF]" "Do you remember my receptionist?" "The itsy-bitsy spider who climbed up my waterspout?" "Yeah, whatever happened to her?" "You dumped her after one depraved weekend." "And I had to give her a raise, health insurance and a paid vacation to keep her from quitting." "Oh, good, thanks for smoothing that over for me." "Hey, you think she has plans for this weekend?" "What is wrong with you?" "Uh, I am trying to tell you that I am starting to have feelings for her." "For who?" " For Melissa." " Who's Melissa?" "My receptionist." "Oh..." "So I should forget about this weekend?" "Yes, you should forget about this weekend!" "I was just asking, you don't have to bite my head off." "So you and her are, uh...?" "Oh, no, no, no, nothing's happened yet." "Just a little kissing, and she could feel my enthusiasm." "What are you, Noel Coward?" "Just say "boner."" "Why do I bother talking to you?" "Beats the hell out of me." "The thing is, uh, Melissa and I have this chemistry and it's really hard not to act on it." "Yeah." "It's tough when you work together." "Right." " You don't crap where you eat." " I know." "You don't dip your pen in company ink." "And you never bang a woman who owns a snake or a bird." " What?" " They're usually nuts." "So, what you're faced with here is a moral dilemma." "Ah, I'll say." "Whether or not to have a relationship with your employee." "Exactly." " I got it, I got it." " Oh, you do?" "Fire her, then boink her." "I don't got it?" "You don't got it." "[TV PLAYING INDISTINCTLY]" "I'm right about the snakes and birds though." "Really?" "The one who works for him?" " Yep." " Tinker Bell with the knockers?" "The same." "Well, everybody makes that mistake once." "I crossed that line in the '70s when I was cleaning house for Mr. Telly Savalas." " No kidding, TV's Kojak?" " One and the same." " What happened?" " What do you think happened?" "He's Greek, a man of passion." "You can't tie your shoes around those guys." " That's rough." " Bet your ass, it's rough." " Morning." "CHARLIE:" "Morning." "So, Zippy, I hear you've been sinking your putts on the company golf course." "Thanks for telling her." "Thanks for telling me." "Word of advice:" "It may seem like fun and games at the beginning but mark my words, sooner or later you're gonna wake up with a broken heart and a lollipop stuck to your keister." "You wanna explain that to me?" "I'd rather forget I ever heard it." "So decided what you're gonna do about Melissa?" "Oh, there's nothing to do." "Just have to take the physical feelings I have for her and channel them into something creative, productive something that'll last." "You're gonna have sex with the vacuum cleaner again, aren't you?" "That wasn't sex, that was an accident." "Once is an accident." "[SIGHS]" " Morning, Melissa." " Good morning, Dr. Harper." "How's my schedule look today?" "It's packed pretty tight." "Oh, okay." "Uh, tight's good." "You know, better tight than, uh..." "You know..." "Thank God for scoliosis, ha, ha." "Um..." "Listen, Melissa, um, about what happened yesterday..." "Please, you don't have to say anything." "Yes, yes I do." "We obviously have feelings for each other." "[CHUCKLES]" "There's nothing wrong with that." "It's a beautiful thing." "It's..." "It's natural." "But for us to maintain a working relationship and, I hope, friendship I think it would be unwise to succumb to those feelings." "I agree." "Oh, good." "Good." "I'm glad, ha, ha." "Oh, well..." "Now we got that out of the way." "[BOTH LAUGH]" "Uh, what time does my packed schedule begin?" "Uh, not for a half-hour." "Half-hour?" "Yeppers." "Nothing for a half-hour?" "Wide open." "Everything work out at the office?" "Uh-huh." "Managed to keep your hands off Really Little Annie Fanny?" "Well, not exactly." "But, uh, we did keep it above the waist." "Her waist or yours?" "Both." "And it wasn't easy." "I haven't checked, but I'm pretty sure my balls look like two-thirds of the Blue Man Group." "Berta, hide the vacuum cleaner!" "For the last time, I use it to get lint off my trousers." "Then why do you call it Brenda?" "MAN [ON TV]:" "So when the mood strikes and she's ready  you'll be ready too." "Ready today, ready tonight, ready tomorrow." "I'm ready now." "What's he ready for?" "If I were to guess, I'd say he's ready to screw up his life a little more." "Is that even possible?" "We'll see." "I'm hungry." " So eat something." " There's nothing here I like." "Welcome to my world." "Why are we eating here?" "If I have to watch you stuff your face, I'm gonna need a drink." " Am I even allowed to be in a bar?" " Probably not." "So if anybody asks, you're a homely lesbian." "Why do I have to be homely?" "Just sit down." "What's that smell?" "Stale beer, vomit, urine." "You hungry?" " Hey, Charlie." " Oh, hey, Janine." " This is my nephew, Jake." " Hey, Jake." "How old are you, sweetheart?" "Keep your hands off him, Janine." "He's married." "I thought I was a lesbian." "We're just gonna have a couple of hamburgers, a basket of fries." "He'll have soda, I'll have a draft." "That's not a very healthy dinner for a growing boy." "Oh, don't worry, he can process anything." "The other day he ate a handful of packing peanuts." "You bet me 10 bucks I wouldn't." "Oh, Charlie, shame on you." "Yeah, shame on you." "Tell you what, Jake." "I get out of here in 10 minutes." "Get your uncle to bring you to my place." "I'll cook you a nice, healthy dinner." "Thanks, but I'm already healthy." "I'll have a hamburger." "No, you won't." "We'll be there." " I don't get a vote?" " You're lucky you're getting dinner." " Thanks, Janine." " You're welcome." "What is wrong with you?" "Turning that down?" "Excuse me, but we have no idea what kind of cook she is." "Oh, God." "For all we know, she's a vegetarian." "[GRO ANS]" " Dr. Harper, what are you doing here?" " What do you think I'm doing here?" "Please don't make me guess." "I'm making you guess." "Correct." "SHELLY:" "Melissa, honey, who's here?" "Uh, Mom, this is my boss, Dr. Harper." "Dr. Harper, this is my mother." "Hello." "Hello, yourself." "I understand there's been some inappropriate behavior in the workplace." "Oh." "Yeah, well, uh, about that." "I just want you to know that I have nothing but respect your daughter." " And I would never do anything to..." " I'm just yanking your chain." "Ain't nothing wrong with bedding the boss." "That's how I wound up with the little princess here." "And half of Black Angus franchise." "Well, come on in, I'm watching Hellboy." " Okay." "Thanks." "SHELLY:" "Hmm..." "You smoke dope?" " This is, like, the best dinner ever." " I'm glad you liked it, Jake." " You are a great cook." " And you are a cutie pie." "Oh, I could just eat you up." " You want another root beer?" " Sure." "Coming right up." "Listen, buddy, you're gonna have to make yourself scarce." "Maybe take a cab home." "You take a cab home." "I'm doing great." " How do you figure?" " You blind?" "First base on the top of my head, second base in my ear." "Listen, knucklehead." "That woman's gotta be 10 years older than you." "So?" "You're like, 15 years older than her." "Step aside, grandpa." "Okay, fun time's over." " Go wait in the car." " You go wait in the car." " No, you go." " No, you go." "How about I put ice cream in that root beer and make it a float?" "Thank you, that'd be great." "It's like she can read my mind." "Go get in the car." "Fine, I'll just go tell Janine you want me to wait in the car by myself so you can try and have sex with her." "Sit down, you little bastard." "Now, this picture here is toward the end of my labor." "That's my vagina and that's Melissa's little head poking out of me like a groundhog." "Mm." "Hey, I guess if she'd seen her shadow, I would've had six more weeks of labor." "[BOTH LAUGH]" " It's funny." " Ha, ha." "You know, of all my kids, she was the easiest." "Just like popping out a Ping-Pong ball." "Ha, ha." " That's quite an image." " Yeah." "Oh, and it was a natural childbirth too." "No drugs, just a couple peyote buttons and biting down on a rope." "[MELISSA CLEARS THRO AT]" "Mom, would you mind if Dr. Harper and I have a little time alone?" "I'm sorry, honey." "You kids must be as horny as a couple of drunken rabbits." "Enjoy." "Oh, and, uh, Kama Sutra's on the bookshelf in case you feel like pushing the envelope." "I'm sorry about that." "Mom never really made it home from Woodstock." "Don't be silly." "She's delightful." "I'm just gonna close this up now." "Don't mind me." "I'm just gonna roll a fatty in the backyard and zone out in the hammock." "[SLURPING]" " Ah, that hit the spot." " I'm glad you liked it." "The best part of a root beer float:" "Your burps taste good." "[LAUGHS]" "Listen, Janine, thanks for everything but I should probably get this little guy home and come back." "It's way past his bedtime." "What are you talking about?" "It's not past my bedtime." "What do you wanna bet he falls asleep in the car and I have to carry him in?" "What do you wanna bet he has to take a laxative because he's too old to poop normal?" " All right, that's it." " Not in the face!" "Not in the face!" "What?" "Stop that." "He's kidding." "I never hit him." "Tell her you're kidding." "I'm kidding about that, but he can be verbally abusive." " Not funny, Jake." " The liquor makes him mean." "Okay, I didn't wanna have to do this, but I am calling your father." "Let him deal with you." "I'm gonna go straighten up in the kitchen." "You don't know who you're messing with." "Are you kidding?" "I think she's gorgeous!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "You don't know who you're messing with." "[CELL PHONE PLAYING "UP, UP AND AWAY"]" "Oh, I'm sorry." "Uh, hang on." "Charlie, now is not a good time." "All right, put him on." "I can't talk now, Dad." "I'm about to get lucky with an older woman." "What?" "Where are you?" "Jake?" "Jake?" "Alan would you be totally weirded out by a little mother-daughter tag team?" "Hope you're happy." "I hope you're happy." "Could have been happy." "Are you gonna tell me what happened tonight?" "You don't wanna know." "Where you going?" "I'm a 14-year-old boy who recently got ear-boob." "Where do you think I'm going?" "Ear-boob?" "You don't wanna know." " So how'd it go with Melissa?" " You don't wanna know." "Oh, come on." "All right." "I met her mom, saw a photo of mom's vagina and chose to leave before being introduced to the real thing." "You're right, I didn't wanna know." " Where are you going?" " I'm a 40-year-old guy who recently..." "Ah, screw it." "I'm gonna go play with myself." "Hey, that I didn't wanna know." "Still, not a bad idea."