"Oh, dear." "Oh, dear." " Hello?" " What a shame." " Manuel?" " Operator, what is going on?" "Oh, I know." "I've been trying to get through to the speaking clock." "Oh, dear." "Well, it's engaged." "How awful." "It's been engaged for ten minutes." "How is this possible?" "My wife isn't talking to it." "Hold your head back." "That usually stops it." "The speaking clock has taken the phone off the hook." "Or there's been a light shower within 20 miles." "Well, you'd better not go on if it's getting on the bedspread." "Unobtainable." "The clock's been cut off." "Obviously didn't pay its bill." "Call me back when you've staunched it." "I don't know why she stays with him." "Oh, that's pretty." "Hello, you got the guide." "Good evening, Mr Johnson." "Evening, any messages?" "Three, I think." "Three?" "Everybody wants you, don't they?" "I wouldn't say that." "Ah, well." "You're only single once." "Twice can be arranged." " What, Basil?" " Nothing, my dear." "We got enough bananas this week, dear?" "So Harry says, "You don't like me any more." "Why not?"" "And he says, "'Cause you got so terribly pretentious."" "And Harry says, "Pretentious, moi?"" "I'll just try that number." "Oh, that's awfully good, isn't it?" ""Moi," ha ha!" "Did you hear it, Basil?" " What, dear?" " The joke." "Oh, a joke." "No, I heard you laugh." "I thought perhaps he was having a tea party." "Tea party?" "Oh, now I understand the banana reference, you mean you think he looks like a monkey." "Only from some angles." "Well, from my angle, he's very attractive." "Attractive?" "You know, easy and amusing and charming." "Charming, eh?" "Well, he's certainly covered in charms." "I've never seen so many medals 'round one neck in my life." "He must be the bravest orang utan in Britain." "What is the point of decorating yourself like that?" "They're not just for decoration, they have symbolic meaning." "Sybil, that type would wear a dog turd round its neck if it was made of gold." "Basil, you're so ignorant sometimes." "One of them happens to be a rhino's tooth." "One's an ancient Egyptian fertility symbol..." "Well, that must come in handy." "It's not supposed to be handy, Basil." "It goes back to the dawn of civilisation." "By the look of his forehead, so does he." "Tell me, Basil, what is it about the Mediterranean type that antagonises you so?" "Is it because women find them attractive?" " Sybil..." " You seem to think that we girls should be aroused by people like Gladstone and Earl Haig and Baden-Powell, don't you?" "Well, at least they had a certain dignity." "It's hard to imagine Earl Haig wandering round with his shirt open at the waist, covered with identity bracelets, isn't it?" "Well, he didn't mind the medals, did he?" "The military decorations?" "That's not the point." "I suppose the reason you confuse them with monkeys is that monkeys have fun." "They know how to enjoy themselves." "That's what makes them sexy, I suppose." "I never thought of that." " Good evening." " Good evening." "I telephoned earlier." "The name is Abbott." "Oh, yes." "There hasn't been a cancellation, I'm afraid, so it is still a room without bath." " That's fine." " Oh, good." "Will you just fill that in for me, please?" "Yes, we're terribly busy at the moment." "Just enjoying myself." "Good evening." "Good evening." " Good evening." " Good evening." "That felt better." "Thank you, Mr Abbott." "Oh, Dr Abbott, sorry." " Doctor?" " Yes?" "I'm terribly sorry, we hadn't been told." " We hadn't been told you were a doctor." " Oh." "How do you do, doctor?" "Very nice to have you with us, doctor." "Thank you." "You're in room five, doctor." "And Mrs Abbott, how do you do?" "Dr Abbott, actually." " I'm sorry?" " Dr Abbott." "Two doctors." " You're two doctors?" " Yes." "How did you become two doctors?" "Most unusual." "I mean, did you take the exam twice, or..." "No." "My wife's a doctor." "I'm a doctor." "You're a doctor, too." "So you're three doctors!" "No, I'm just one doctor." "My wife is another doctor." "Manuel." "Your room is at the top of the stairs and on to the left." "Oh, I see!" "I thought when you said two doctors..." "Manuel, would you take the doctors' cases up to number five, please?" "Yes, this way please, doctors." "When you said that you were two doctors, I thought perhaps you were a doctor of medicine and perhaps a doctor of..." "Did you get through all right?" "One was busy." "I'll try again in a minute." "I forgot to ask, any news on a room for my mother?" "Oh, yes." "Number 16 has decided to stay, I'm afraid." "I tried a couple of other places for you but everywhere's full at the moment." "Oh, well, no hassle." "She won't mind sharing with me." "Lucky mum!" "I'll just go and try that number again." "Here, use this one." "Oh." "Thank you." "May I ask..." "The sign on the chain by the Egyptian fertility symbol, what is that?" "It's, um..." "Greek astrological sign." "Oh, it's beautiful." "Where did you get it?" "Um, Colchester, I think." " Colchester!" " Hello." "Can I speak to John Lawson, please?" "All right, I'll hold on." "So, your mother will be arriving tomorrow?" "Yes, first thing." "She's getting the overnight train down from Newcastle." "Newcastle?" "Yeah, visiting grandchildren." "She's 77." "77." "Isn't that amazing?" "Old people are wonderful when they have so much life, aren't they?" "Gives us all hope, doesn't it?" "My mother, on the other hand, is a little bit of a trial, really." "You know, it's all right when they have the life force, but mother, well, she's got more of the death force, really." "She's a worrier..." "No, it's all right." "I'll hold." "She has these, well, morbid fears they are, really." "Vans is one." "Rats..." "Doorknobs..." "Birds, heights, open spaces..." "Confined spaces..." "It's very difficult getting the space right for her, really." "You know..." "Footballs, bicycles, cows..." "And she's always on about men following her." "I don't know what she thinks they're going to do to her." "Vomit on her, Basil says." "Can I leave my number?" "He can call me back." " And death." " I see." "Right." "She's frightened of death." "I've told her there's nothing she can do about it." "On about it the whole time, she is." "I mean, nature can only take its course." "The only thing you can hope for is that it won't be long drawn out and painful." "But she can't accept that." "Oh, excuse me." "Hello, John?" "How are you?" "Oh, fine." "Just down for the weekend." " Charming people." " Hmm?" "The Abbotts." "Charming couple." "Yes, all three of them." "No, I'm all right for tonight." "You know dear, that, um, that outfit Mrs Abbott was wearing, you should get yourself something like that." "What, for the gardening, you mean?" "No, I can't tomorrow night." "How about lunch?" "Yes, attractive woman." "How old would you say she was, Sybil?" " 48, 50?" " Oh, now, Sybil!" "I really don't know, Basil, perhaps she's 12." "Favourite." "Magic." "It's nice to have that kind of person staying, isn't it?" "Professional class, educated, civilised." "We've both ends of the evolutionary scale this week, haven't we?" "Good evening." "We're just going out for a stroll." "What time do you serve dinner?" "7:30 till 9:00." "See you tomorrow then." "Ciao." "Do you have a guide to Torquay?" "A guide..." "Um, oh dear." "I think we're out of them again." "Do you want to look at this one?" "I got it in town." "Oh, thanks." ""What's on in Torquay."" "One of the world's shortest books." "What?" "One of the world's shortest books." "Like The Wit of Margaret Thatcher or Great English Lovers." "He's very funny, isn't he, Basil?" "Thank you." " Are you taking dinner here tonight?" " Sorry?" "Are you dining here tonight, here in this unfashionable dump?" "I wasn't planning to." "No, not really your scene, is it?" "Thought I'd try somewhere in town." "Anywhere you'd recommend?" "What sort of food were you thinking of?" "Fruit, or..." " Anywhere they do French food?" " Yes, France, I believe." "They seem to like it there, and the swim would certainly sharpen your appetite." "You'd better hurry." "The tide leaves in six minutes." "Excuse my husband's sledgehammer wit, Mr Johnson." "There is a very nice place, La Pomme D'Amour." "La Pomme D'Amour." "The apple of love." "Yes, in Orchard Street." "Or that ancient Egyptian place, the Golden Dog something..." "Do enjoy yourself." "We'll see you later." "Thank you." " I have had it up to here with you." " What, dear?" "You never get it right, do you?" "You're either crawling all over them, licking their boots, or spitting poison at them like some Benzedrine puff adder." "Just trying to enjoy myself." " Did you enjoy your beef?" " Oh, yes, thank you." "Good." "Would you care for dessert?" " No, just coffee, thank you." " Just coffee for me." "Two coffees, Sybil." "Two coffees." "Here." "Please." "Dear." "Would you care for a little something with us?" "A little aperitif, cognac, brandy?" "On us... with us... which we'll pay for, on the house, as it were?" "Well, thank you." "I'd like a cognac, if I may?" " Dr Abbott?" " A port, thank you." "Mon plaisir." " Coffee for you, doctor." " Thank you." " And for you, doctor." " Thank you." "Have you been to Torquay before?" "Not for a few years, no." "We had a free weekend, and we suddenly thought we'd like to get out of London." " Lovely." "White or black?" " Black, thank you." " And black for you, doctor?" " Thank you." "Cognac for you, doctor." "It's rather fascinating, your both being doctors." "Port for you, doctor." "At one stage, I was contemplating becoming a surgeon." "A tree surgeon!" "Thank you, Sybil." "Had to give it up." "Couldn't stand the sight of sap." "Ha!" "It's a bit old, isn't it, dear?" "My great-grandfather on my mother's side was a doctor, so it was always felt I might..." "Run a hotel." "Are you both in general practice?" "No, I'm a paediatrician." " Feet!" " Children." "Oh, Basil!" "Children have feet, don't they?" "That's how they move around." "You must take a look next time." "It's most interesting." "And you, doctor, are you a..." "I'm a psychiatrist." "Very nice too, cheers." "I'll get you another one." "Sorry." "A psychiatrist." "How fascinating." "We never had a psychiatrist staying here before." "We had a faith healer the first month we were open." "Really?" "It's a relatively new profession, psychiatry, isn't it?" "Well, Freud started about 1880." "Yes, but it's only now we're seeing them on the television." "Here we are." "I must..." "Excuse me." " How long have you had this hotel?" " My husband and I..." "Keep back, keep back." " What is it?" " Abbott." " What the matter with him?" " Psychiatrist." "Look at him." "Look." "Look at the way he's listening, see?" "He's taking it all in." "She doesn't realise." "Look at the way she's talking." "They've got photographic memories." "Uh, Sybil!" " Sybil?" " Yes, Basil?" "Could I just bother you, dear?" " What is it?" " Just a little problem." "Nothing personal, nothing of a private nature." "Just in here..." "Excuse me, would you?" "What is it, Basil?" "Just take it easy, okay?" "Just keep your distance." " Remember who you are, all right?" " Remember what?" "Just don't tell him too much about yourself, all right?" "Basil, I'm perfectly capa..." "All right." "All right." "What have you told him?" "Nothing, we were talking about Scotland." "Scotland?" "What's he want to know about Scotland?" "Oh, Basil Fawl..." " Don't do that!" " Why are you so nervous?" "I'm not nervous!" "I'm just saying take it easy, all right?" "All of us, just take it easy, all right?" "What's got into you?" "Nothing's got into..." "I'm just saying take..." "Can't I say "take it easy" without starting a panic?" "I mean, what is going on here?" "Mr Fawlty, take it easy." "Now look..." "Get one thing clear, all right?" "You don't tell me to take it easy." "I don't pay you to tell me to take it easy." "I pay you to take it..." "No, I pay you to tell you to take it easy, so take it easy, all right?" "Listen, why are you getting so upset?" " I'm not." " You liked him when he arrived." "Look, look..." "And just because you find out he's a psychiatrist..." "I'm not bothered by that." "If he wants to be a psychiatrist that's his own funeral." "They're all as mad as bloody March hares anyway." "That's not the point." "How does he earn his money?" "He gets..." "He gets paid for sticking his nose..." " Oh, Basil." " No, I'm going to have my say." "Into people's private, um..." "Details." "Just speaking for myself, I don't want some total stranger nosing around in my private parts..." "Details!" "That's all I'm saying." "They're here on holiday." "They're just here to enjoy themselves." " He can't!" " Can't what?" "He can't tell me anything about myself that I don't know already." "All this psychiatry, it's a load of tommyrot." "Here." "You know what they're all obsessed with, don't you?" "You know what they say it's all about, don't you?" "Hmm?" "Sex." "Everything's connected with sex." "Huh!" "What a load of cobblers." "Yes, you see, if they wanted to do that, well, they'd have to close the hotel, wouldn't they?" "Yes, if you would, just sign that." "Thank you so much." "Yes." "We were just speculating how people in your profession arrange their holidays." "How often you can get away." "How often do you manage it?" "Pardon?" "How often can you and your wife manage it?" "You don't mind my asking?" "Not at all." "Not at all." "About average, since you asked." " Average?" " Mmm-hmm." "What would be average?" "Well, you tell me." "Well, uh..." "Couple of times a year?" "What?" "Once a year?" "Well, we knew it must be difficult." "My wife didn't see how you could manage it at all." "Well, as you've asked, two or three times a week, actually." " A week?" " Yes." "Pretty normal, isn't it?" "We're quite normal down here in Torquay, you know?" "And he says, "Pretentious?" "Moi?"" "I always like a man who can make me laugh." " Are you all right, Mr Fawlty?" " Mmm-hmm, yes, yes." "Fine." " What's the matter, Basil?" " Nothing, dear." "Just talking to Dr Abbott." "If I had the money to go to a psychiatrist, he's just the sort I'd choose." "I can't think of anything nicer than having a good old heart-to-heart." "I'm sure they understand women." " Sybil?" " What, darling?" "Do you kn..." "Do you know what he asked me, just now, out there?" "What?" "What?" "He asked me..." "Oh, don't be ridiculous, Basil." "I'm telling you the truth." "Honest as God's witness!" "What's got into you today?" "He turned round and asked me, just like that." " What did he say?" " He said..." "His wife said..." "They're talking about holidays, Basil." "I was just saying to them about how difficult it is to get any." "Twice a year!" "Oh, my..." "What did I say?" " It doesn't matter." " How was I to know?" "Hello!" "We were at cross purposes just now." "There you were talking about sex, I thought you were talking about walks." "Not sex!" "Holidays, holidays!" "Ha, sex." "Ha, ha, ha." "No, my wife and I have one about twice a year." "I mean a holiday, a holiday." "Whereas so far as a good walk goes, we have a jolly good walk about two or three times a week, average." "Well, we're just taking ours now." "Thank you." "Well, enjoy it." "Uh, the walk!" "I'm so sorry." "My name is Raylene Miles." "I have a reservation." "Ahh, yes." "That's right." "Would you be so kind as to fill this in?" " Mmm-hmm." " Thank you." "Very nice." "Oh, ah..." "Thank you." "Your thing." "I mean your charms!" "Your charm, in the middle." "Yes, I know." " May I ask what it is?" " It's a Saint Christopher's medal." " Saint..." " Saint Christopher." "Patron saint of travellers." "Hello, dear." "Saint Christopher's medal, protects travellers." "Very pretty." "Yes, isn't she?" "Where did you put the order forms?" " Down there, dear." " Where?" "Down here, dear." "Um..." "Hello!" "Can I have the key for number six, please?" "You're back early this evening, Mr Johnson." "Yes, well, got to be up early for mother." "Thank you." "We put you in number seven." " Manuel!" " It's all right, dear." "I'll take them up." "We have a Spanish porter we're training at the moment." "It'd be quicker to train an ape!" "Never mind, Manuel." "Oh!" "I was just wondering, are you in fact Australian at all, by any chance, may I ask?" "Oh, dear." "Is my accent that strong?" "Oh no, no." "It's just that you're quite tall, so I thought, perhaps, you know." "Here we are, this is your room." "I hope it's to your liking." "A view of the English Riviera, down there, behind the trees." "This is your bathroom, here we are..." "Oh, light's not working." "I'll just fix it." "Have you had a tiring journey?" "Seven hours in the coach, is the..." "Is the dining room still open?" "The chef leaves at 9:00, I'm afraid." "We could always do you sandwiches." "I'd like a hot meal, really." "Is there a restaurant near here?" "There's an awfully good little Welsh place, Leek House, about five minutes' walk." "You'd have to go straight away." "That'll do fine." "Just turn left out at the gate and straight on and it's on your right." "You left this downstairs." "Sorry!" "I was trying the switch!" "Sybil!" "Sybil!" "Sybil!" "Sybil!" "I'm sorry." "I didn't know she was there!" " I was trying the switch." " It's pathetic, Basil." "No, look, Sybil, I was reaching round for the switch." "Don't bother." "The lights weren't working in the bathroom, right?" "Okay?" "So I went in, checked the fitting, which was loose..." "I've read about it, Basil." "The male menopause it's called." "Oh, and one word, if you're going to grope a girl, have the gallantry to stay in the room with her while you're doing it, hmm?" "I'm sorry." "I do apologise for just now." "I was sort of feeling for the switch..." "Oh, I realise." "That's perfectly all right." " I hope your wife didn't..." " Oh, no, no." "My wife, she's been on about that." "Uh, where was that restaurant again?" "Out of the gate, turn left, five minutes on your right." "Leek House." " Thank you." " Not at all." ""Pretentious, moi?"" "Yes?" "Can I help you?" "Um..." "I was just wondering if I could get, um..." "A drink now?" "A drink?" "Well, a bottle of champagne." " Champagne?" " Yes." "I see." "You are aware of our rule about visitors, are you?" "Hmm?" "No visitors in guests' rooms after 10:00." " Oh." " Of the opposite... sex." " No, I wasn't." " Ah." "But I am now." "So you'll send up the champagne, will you?" " What?" " The champagne." " You're drinking it on your own, are you?" " Guess I'll have to." "Very well." "One bottle of champagne, for one." " Thank you." " And one glass." "That's all I'll need, unless you'd care to join me?" "No, thank you." "Not while I'm on the job." "That's when I enjoy it the most." "Manuel, Manuel, Manuel." "Bottle of champagne, one glass, quick!" "Mr Fawlty?" "Did you know there's a psychiatrist staying?" "Yes, yes I did." "Has he come for the Major?" " What?" " Has he come for the Major?" " No." " Oh, good." "We were rather worried." "I'm sure they have them in Birmingham too." "Good night, ladies!" "Just coming." "Won't be a moment." "This wall..." "We had some complaints from downstairs so I'm just giving it a check." "Yes, I think that's fine." "No, hang on." "Nope, we're all right." "Fine." "Well, sorry to disturb you." " Good night." " Good night." " Can I help you?" " The bathroom?" "Yes, second on the left." "Thank you." " Yes?" " It's just coming." "Stupidisimo!" "You continental cretin!" "I'm sorry, I'll get you another one." "Un otro." "Pronto!" "Pronto!" "Pronto!" "Yes, fine, thank you." "I'm afraid that Spanish ape..." "Sorry, person... bungled it again." "Dago birdbrain." "God knows how they ever got an Armada together." "Still, I'll clear all this up." "If you..." "If you'd like to, uh..." "Go back to your rooms..." "Thank you." "Fawlty." " Yes?" " Here, here." "I..." "I thought you ought to know." " What?" " There's..." "There's a psychiatrist in the hotel." "Yes, I know." " Oh, you know." " Yes." "Oh." "Well, apparently, he's dressed up as a guest." "He is a guest, Major." "Oh, well, your guess is as good as mine." "Perhaps he has come to get you." "Come." "Oh, thank you." "On the table, please." "Thank you." "Yes?" "Whew!" "Filthy habit." " The bathroom?" " Second on the left." "Aaah!" "Who is it?" " It's all right!" " Who is it?" " It's only me!" "Please!" " What do you want?" "What's going on?" "Nothing!" "I didn't know she was in here." "I just came in to check the walls." "Do you mind?" "Sorry." "I thought you'd gone to the restaurant." "I was just so tired." "That's fine." "Sorry to disturb you." "Bloody walls." "You all right now?" " What was that?" " Hmm?" "Nothing, dear." "Why was she screaming?" "What were you doing?" "What's going on?" "Nothing." "She thought there was someone in her room." " Someone in her room?" " Yes." "Have to charge her double then." "What were you doing in there?" " Is she all right?" " She is all right." "What were you doing in there?" "Oh, I'm sorry, Mr Fawlty." "I didn't realise it was you." "That's all right." "I'll tell you in a moment." "Silly of me." "I didn't know it was him." "He came in to check the walls." "To check the walls?" "Manuel." "Manuel, quick." "Come on!" "Quick!" "Oh... 'elp..." "Socorro!" "Socorro!" "'Elp!" "'elp!" "Basil." "Basil?" "Mrs Fawlty, Mrs Fawlty!" "Mrs Fawlty, Mr Fawlty..." " What?" " He hurt." "He fall off ladder!" " Off a ladder?" " Si, si, Come, come, come." " What was he doing up a ladder?" " He try to see girl." " What?" " He try to see in room to see girl." "She make him crazy." "Come, come, come." "I see." "I tell him careful, but he go to see girl." "Right." "Hello, dear." "I was just going to, uh..." "What the..." "What in God's name do you think you're doing?" "What did you hit me for?" "How dare you!" "How dare you!" "Have you gone mad?" "What's got into you?" " You really don't know?" " No, I don't." "What were you doing up that ladder?" "Come on!" "I was trying to see the girl." "Is that so strange?" "Stop hitting me!" "Get away from this door and don't you dare try and come in here tonight." "Mad." "She's gone completely mad." "Crazy, she go crazy." " I mean what..." " Crazy." "I say to her, you try and see in girl's room, and she go crazy." "What?" "I tell her you go to see girl in room." "You crazy about this girl, okay?" "Okay, so..." "You go up to try to look at her and Mrs Fawlty, she go crazy." "You crazy little dago!" "Now, that's how an Englishman would do it, you see?" "Now, a German, a German would go..." "No, that's enough for tonight." "All right, we'll go on with your training in the morning." "We're just training him in the art of hotel management." "It's rather interesting actually." "He's from Barcelona, and one of the more..." "Sorry, I missed the door." " Oh." " Everything all right?" "Everything, uh, normal?" " Yes, thank you." " Fine, well..." "I'll leave you to it, then." "I mean to go to bed." "To sleep!" "To sleep, that is." "Perchance to dream, ha, ha." "Have a good night..." "Good night's sleep." " Sleep well." " Good night." "And you." "Thank you, yes, I will." "God knows where." "I'll get you, you pilked-down ponce." "Are you all right?" " Hmm?" " Are you all right?" "Yes, fine." "Give me one of those." "Right, go on." "Go on." " Sybil, dear?" " What do you want?" " Got your tea for you, dear." " Just leave it outside the room." "Yes, all right, dear." "Um..." "Sybil?" "I'm not speaking to you, Basil." "Could I just have my electric razor, dear?" "Just for the guests?" "Thank you, dear." "Look, look..." " Basil, will you..." " Just let me explain." "Get your foot out of the door." " Let me explain." " I'm not interested." "When I said, "That girl,"" "I wasn't talking about that ray..." "Something, the Australian girl." "I was talking about the girl in the room next to hers, in Johnson's room!" "Johnson smuggled a girl into his room last night." "That is the one I was trying to get a look at, not that Australian hayseed." "Basil, you've had eight hours to think of something." "Is that really the best you can come up with?" "You don't believe it." " Oh, go away." " Right, I'll get her." "I'll get her and show her to you." " Yes, you do that." " I will." "Right." "All right." "Go." "Come." "Mr Johnson, did you want your guide back?" "Oh, thank you, yes." "See you later." "Thank you." "Okay, darling." "Right, the game's up." "Up there." "Bit of game pie, got stuck up there." "Right, everything back to normal." "Enjoy your walk." "There's enough material there for an entire conference." "Ah!" "Okay, all clear." "Right, that's it." "Aah!" "What are you doing?" "Oh, jeez, what going on?" " I'm sorry." "I thought you were somebody else." " You scared the hell out of me!" "I'm awfully sorry." "There's a girl in there." "The bloke smuggled her in..." "Oh, hello, dear." "Just explaining to Miss Miles about our little problem, with the extra guest, Mr Johnson's friend, in six, last night." "What's that on your hand, Basil?" "What..." "Oh, that's some stuff in the cupboard, dear." "Something I knocked over." "Sorry!" "I got confused." "Sorry, I got confused." "Sybil!" "Sybil!" "Sybil!" "Sybil!" "Sybil!" "Sybil!" "Look, I'll tell her to go." "I'm gonna get the other girl just to prove it to you, but I'll tell Miss Miles to..." "To leave." "Out." "Out!" "Excuse me." "I do apologise, but I'm afraid I shall have to ask you to..." "Come in." "Sorry to bother you, I thought I'd better apologise for my husband's behaviour." "No, please, really, Mrs Fawlty." "He's going through rather a disturbed time at the moment." "No, please look, I don't quite understand, he does seem a bit worked up about something, but I'm sure there's some quite innocent explanation." "Basil." "Hi, dear." "Just checking the doors." "All right, what's going on?" "I was in the bathroom." "Yes, she was, dear, so I just popped in to have a look at these hinges." "You know, the ones we've..." "Do you really imagine, even in your wildest dreams, that a girl like this could possibly be interested in an ageing, brilliantined stick insect like you?" " A girl like who, dear?" " This one, Basil." "The one you've been chasing ever since she arrived." "Dear woman, are you out of your mind?" "What are you doing in there?" "You know the trouble we've been having with these hinges." "Why would I..." "All right, if you really want to know," "I came to apologise for the incident just now, when I thought she was that girl in Johnson's room, you know, when I put my hand on the..." "Sybil, Sybil." "Look..." "If you think I've got time to listen to any more of your hopeless lily-livered jellyfish lies..." "They are not lies." "I am trying to..." "Why can't you be a man?" "If you want to grope the guests, why can't you at least be honest about it without making up some pathetic song and dance..." "Shut up!" " Oh, you've done it now." " No, I haven't." "I'm just going to." "I'm fed up with you, you rancorous, coiffeured old sow!" "Why don't you syringe the doughnuts out of your ear and get some sense into the dormant organ you keep hidden in that rat's maze of yours?" " Basil, Bas..." " There is a woman in that room, that Johnson smuggled in last night." "That's the woman I've been trying to get hold of." "Right, right!" "Stand there." "Stand there and watch." " Champagne?" " What?" "Another bottle of champagne, perhaps?" "I thought you said you rather enjoyed it when you were on the job?" "Have you got a screw loose?" "A screw?" "No, no." "It's just that I thought that I'd rather formed the impression that there was someone in the room, there, with you." "A female person." "Perhaps a lady." "An opposite person of the contradictory gender, that sort of thing." "Mrs Johnson is in here, yes." "Oh, of course." "I should have guessed." "Oh, yes." "Of course, the little woman, eh?" "The only thing is," "I thought you told my wife that you were single?" "I am." "I see." "So who's this Mrs Johnson then?" "The late President's wife, or..." "She's my mother." "Your mother?" "Oh, I see." "This bit of crumpet's your old mummy, is she?" "Oh, this is rich." "Old mother Johnson popped up for a quickie, did she?" "May I meet her?" "Certainly." "Mother Johnson, mother Johnson?" "Come out, come out, wherever you are." "How do you do?" "Are you enjoying your stay?" "Yes, thank you." "Well, I'll get the champagne." "This calls for a celebration." "I'm on holiday."