"It is not acceptable, David!" "If you are not committed to this job, go now." " PHONE RINGS Children's services." " 'Yeah, my baby shit his nappy." "'There's shit everywhere, man!" "' OK." "'You wanna come over and sort it out?" "'" "'School says my son can't wear his hoodie, 'but their mothers get to wear their fucking hijabs!" "'It's bullshit!" "'" "I just wet myself a little bit there." "Thanks for the update." "Who's your new friend?" "Mum, this is Al." "Oh!" "Good morning." "What a nice young man." "Neither nice nor young." "It's my fucking body!" "I can starve it if I want!" "'" "Rose, why have you got an old woman with you?" "It's Family And Friends At Work Day." "Actually, my brother is supposed to be looking after her, but he's seriously ill." "With a mild cold." "Oh, Jesus Christ, why can't a bloke just be ill without women endlessly taking the piss out of him?" "Because real men bear their suffering with dignity." "Work?" "Remember that concept, anyone?" "Chop-chop!" "Rose... can I have a quick word?" "Shore." "In the meeting room." "OK." "Chop-chop." "No, sit." "Stay." "There." "So..." "Having a meeting?" "I'm just having a private chat with Al." "I might take some notes, then." "No, you're all right." "Bye." "So, er, what's it about, then?" "I had a call from Ashburn Children's Home." "OK." "Hang on a sec." "So, Ashburn Children's Home had a visit recently from that actor" "Cal Whitechurch, and an incident occurred." "What kind of incident?" "He made some kind of sexual overture to a 14-year-old girl." "Lee and I haven't had one of those since National Impotence Day." "Are we presuming that this Cal Whitechurch has a predilection for very young females?" "It could have been instigated by the child." "SHE SCOFFS Yeah, like it was with Rolf and Jimmy." "It might be what's happened here, I don't know." "She is 14." "There are some 14-year-olds that..." "I don't like the sound of myself saying this, but there are 14-year-olds that don't behave like kids any more, because they've been so either groomed or because that's how" "they've learned to get what they want from adults." "She doesn't know what she's doing, does she?" "She's a kid." "He's the grown-up." "Can I have a look at that pen for a sec?" "Nitin?" "You're a nerdy wanker, and if you report any of this to anyone, you are a dead man." "What's that all about?" "It's my pen." "Records conversations and plays them back." "How do you know about them?" "Cause I'm a nerdy wanker as well." "Come." "Don't skulk." "Sorry, Denise." "And don't apologise." "Well, how are you getting on?" "Yeah, good, thanks." "Although my sinusitis has really been playing up." "But I found a, finally, a really good nasal spray and it loosens the crusted mucus..." "How are you getting on with the project?" "Um..." "It's not easy with my current status, because I don't have access to the right level of documents, and when I stand close to people they just give me menial tasks to do and send me away." "Well, Ingrid is on sick leave for the next few weeks." "Would it help if I got you to act up for her?" "Yes." "OK." "So, what are your impressions of your colleagues and their work practices?" "Well, Al is just a loser." "I mean..." "Nitin, I am looking for empirical indices of good working practices, not adolescent value-laden judgements." "Now, go." "And use your new status wisely." "Sorry, Denise." "I mean, not sorry..." "Out." "'I only put up that revenge porn to piss her off and now she's 'saying I'm an unfit dad.'" ""Nitin is now acting up..."" "That's funny, like you're a naughty toddler." "".." "Acting up senior S/W..." ""for the duration of Ingrid Wil..." "Wilman's leave."" "Great." "That'll do." "Can we CC that's to everyone in the office, please?" "CC, senor!" "Just listen!" "I'm your responsible adult, OK?" "And I think we agreed, didn't we, that you'd only spend half your pocket money on weed?" "Shit!" "Sorry, hang on a sec, Tyler." "What?" "Nitin is covering Ingrid's leave!" "Oh, God." "Dictatorship of the twatatariat." "What is Denise thinking of?" "Maybe she's got a brain tumour." "Tyler?" "Tyler, are you there?" "'Go fuck yourself, OK?" "'" "Well, telling me to go fuck myself, that isn't going to happen with my level of fitness and flexibility." "No, you don't have to send an e-mail to Martin because technically he is on sick leave." "And either way, it's not spelt Martine." "I don't think he's a cross dresser." "I'm not, actually, Nat." "And, Nitin, probably best to avoid making comments on binary gender sartorial choices." "OK." "How many more of these, Nitin?" "Well, now you're my PA, Nat, so..." "What?" "!" "Yeah, I've been promoted, so I'm going to be generating more mail" " I need a PA." "I'm a receptionist!" "Um, barely." "Bless you!" "Try to avoid intellectual snobbery, Martin." "Oh, and, Nitin, if I've got to be your PA, I want a pay rise and a new chair." "Yeah, OK, yeah, consider it done." "Dear..." "God!" "Oh, dear." "The kitchen fairy not turned up yet?" "Isn't the cleaner supposed to have done it?" "She refuses, said she'd rather get the sack." "EXASPERATED SIGH Denise, could you tell us why you've temporarily promoted Nitin?" "No." "Don't you think someone with more experience might have been more appropriate?" "Well, if you're alluding to you or Rose, Alasdair, forgive me if I cannot visualise either of you as promotion material." "Bummer." "Who is that woman, Rose?" "She's, um..." "Work experience." "Sorry?" "It's part of an inclusivity initiative for the elderly." "Make sure she doesn't affect general efficiency." "Christ, Rose, you'll be bringing in your own mother next." "But why isn't the e-mail sending?" "Um..." "You need an address at the top here, see?" "That's where the address goes." "Thanks." "Audrey, sit down, please." "Don't want to." "Oh, dear, you seem to be struggling a bit with Audrey, Nat." "She's very sweet, but she's eaten all my Bourbons and I've got all this extra admin from Nitin." "Come on." "I'm just going to go and make us all a nice cup of coffee." "I'll get Audrey to come and help me, OK?" "Good luck with that." "Come with me." "Can I enlist your assistance in a small project?" "Careful!" "You dropped your... your Bourbon." "There you go." "Come in." "Someone is coming down from Elderly Care so I can have a chat about Mum." "Don't you mean the work experience?" "Oh, yeah." "Best to keep up the pretence." "You don't know who's listening and who's on Denise's team." "Hello." "Caitlin!" "You can't just ring and then not speak." "Personal call?" "Al, who was it?" "Not telling you." "Yeah, very funny, Al." "I needn't remind you that Denise..." "Go and tell Denise, then, cos I couldn't care less." "Right." "Disciplinary in five." "You'd better go and see Baby Boss man before he suspends you." "At least I get a break." "Now, I'm just going to..." "pop for a quick tinkle." "And then when I come back... we'll brew up a whole mess of Java together." "I want this one." "Ah, no, chances are that's probably passed its sell-by date." "Yes, April... 2014!" "I'll have this, then." "No, no, no." "Do not touch." "No, no..." "That's..." "That's Denise's beef jerky you..." "you've got in your mouth." "Just..." "That belongs to boss lady." "So..." "Just, just wait here a sec." "I'll..." "I'll be back in a minute." "Don't touch any more food." "So just..." "Just stay..." "Stay..." "That didn't take you long, Brutus." "Brutus, yes." "Popeye's sworn enemy." "Right, Al, I want to discuss the children's home problem with you." "Yeah, spy pen's not so stupid now, eh?" "Look, I don't really need your advice." "I'll deal with it." "Besides, I'm not going to report every single little piddling development to you." "I'll just wait until I get a full picture of what's going on." "Al, it's important for us to establish that we are in control, so I suggest we set up an incident room here and start interviewing... the suspects." "There is only one suspect" " Cal Whitechurch." "Cal Whitechurch..." "Let's get him in." "Is it just cos you want to meet a celebrity?" "It's not OK Magazine Does Social Workers." "Lie detectors are quite..." "effective." "Any day now, the press are going to get hold of this and then we're in trouble, so we need to move fast." "We can't just bring Cal Whitechurch in here because you want a selfie." "Just let me get down to the children's home, have an informal chat with the staff before this descends into mob rule." "OK, well, I set up an emergency strat meeting, so some extra information would actually be useful." "Right, what time's that?" "15:00 hours." "So it's three o'clock, is it, in non-wanker time?" "I'll be back by then." "Al?" "Mess this up and you are toast." "Oh, I'm so scared." "You should be because your future is in my hands." "So, Audrey..." "Au..." "Audrey!" "Erm, where are you from again?" "Elderly care." "Elderly care." "Rose." "Oh, is this the elderly lady in question?" "Poor old dear." "Hello." "I've never even seen a Tena Lady." "Oh, sorry, I thought..." "This is Ja-niece Williams from elderly care." "It's Janice." "Take a seat." "Not you." "OK." "Not you." "OK." "Back to work." "Thank you." "Sorry about that." "I hope you don't mind me calling you." "No, it's fine." "We're just upstairs." "Oh, because my mother..." "She's been deteriorating quite a lot over the last few weeks and she's staying with me a couple of times." "But she's simply just not coping really." "Right, well, you've got a few options." "You've got live in care..." "Yeah." "...home care and, obviously, residential accommodation." "I can run you through the specifics." "Maybe I should just have a quick word with your mum." "Yeah, I'll just go and get her, OK?" "Lost something?" "Yeah, my mother." "Where is she?" "She went off somewhere with Martin." "Well, I wish you'd told me because that's why the elderly care social worker's here." "Sorry." "I've got quite a lot..." "The phones have been going lots." "Yes, OK." "Hello, social services, can I help?" "This is quite urgent." "I'm in a restaurant." "There's a woman with a baby." "OK, I'm listening." "She's breast-feeding." "It's disgusting and you shouldn't allow it." "Hello." "Oh, hi, again, yourself." "What's this?" "Fucking Undateables." "Watch your language, lad." "Fuck off." "This is Jordan." "His foster mother says he hit her this morning." "He's not denying it." "Just thought I'd pop by on my way to the station, check out his background circumstances." "Did you take a code 7?" "Yeah. 10-4." "Would you mean?" "I was in the Met." "Right." "Well, let's sort matey out first, yeah." "Then you and I can have a chat about your incompetent use of police terminology." "Rose, Rose." "Listen." "I was desperate for the loo and I left your mum in the kitchen for literally two minutes and when I came back, she'd gone." "Oh, God, what am I going to do?" "I've got to go to a meeting." "All right." "You go to the meeting but don't worry," "I'll find her." "I'll find her." "Right, Al." "Where are we at with this children's home situation?" "All right, Night-in." "Alistair, where are we with this children's home situation?" "I'm concerned the press are getting wind." "There is no press there yet but..." "I did say to Nitin that this story would get through to them in no time." "And I've had so many calls already today." "I've just said no comment to all of them." "Well, how has Mr Whitechurch responded?" "Well, he naturally maintains his innocence." "He says he was never on his own with her and he made no approach whatsoever." "Why would he?" "He's a successful man." "He can have anyone he wanted." "Or just go to a prozzy." "Thanks for your contribution, Germaine Greer." "I don't think we should bring Germaine Greer into it." "She's been no platformed." "Why, what's wrong with wearing platforms?" "Audrey." "There you are." "Please, I am a married woman." "No, Audrey." "We can't have you leaving." "Police." "Police!" "No, really, Audrey, please." "Police!" "Please, please, come with me." "Everything is all right." "Several members of staff concurred that it is possible the child in question made a sexual approach to Mr Whitechurch." "What is the psychologist's view on this situation?" "Well, I would suggest that she..." "Child A has probably sustained some previous emotional trauma." "No shit." "So, perhaps the best way forward would be for someone from here with experience of Child A to interview her and get to the truth." "Does anyone know Child A?" "I know Chantal reasonably well." "Do you want me to have a word?" "Please, Alistair, if you would." "Report back to me." "No, don't report back to Night-in." "Now let's move on." "What else is on the agenda?" "Item two." "My new chair." "(Jesus Christ.)" "Now, here we are, Audrey." "You have a nice little seat down here." "Make yourself at home." "And I'll just go and get Rose." "Who the fuck's Rose?" "Step up your game." "Stop drawing cocks." "It's not a cock." "It's a tree." "Good news." "I found your mum." "We went through this 20 minutes ago, OK?" "Green happens every week." "You're going to clean the kitchen every week." "I had so much work." "We've all had work." "We're all working very hard." "And I'm just trying to help you cos charts are very important." "Just here." "Oh, Jesus Christ." "She's collapsed." "Call an ambulance." "Oh, God." "I'm such a terrible daughter." "Mum, are you all right?" "Shh." "I think I saw a mouse." "Hi." "Hi." "Do you mind if we come in and ask you a few quick questions?" "Sorry, what was your name?" "Nat." "Nat." "I'm from Social Sector Today." "We're doing a totally non-partisan piece on the incident at the" "Ashburn children's home." "Oh, let me come out cos this is a... confidential restricted bit." "Now, Rose is supposed to be dealing with the press but she's not here." "Right, so perhaps you could make a comment." "No." "I'm not allowed to comment I've been told not to speak to any journalists." "Oh, I'm not really a journalist because we only write true, good things in our paper." "Can you at least confirm there's been an incident." "Oh, so you already know about it?" "Oh, yeah." "Well, it would be stupid to deny it." "You're too clever for that." "Thanks." "But I can't talk about the specifics involving an actor who may or may not be Cal Whitechurch." "Cal Whitechurch." "Yeah." "Cal Whitechurch." "About whom there have been accusations I cannot go into." "Right." "Personally, I don't think he did it." "You don't?" "No." "He's not the type to interfere with kids." "It's just something in his eyes, I don't know, I just..." "So he's been accused of sexual assault of a minor?" "Sorry, is he with you?" "Yes, yes." "OK." "What is that?" "It's just a little tape recorder." "It looks like lighter, doesn't it?" "It does, doesn't it?" "Yeah." "Where is it from?" "Yeah, I got it online." "Boys, boys, quiet down." "Pack it in, pack it in now." "Pack it in." "Right, young lady." "Little bastard's knocked the tip off my helmet." "OK, Chantal." "You said something happened to you which you reported to the staff here." "Could you just repeat it for us?" "That actor that was here yesterday... he felt me up." "I'm telling you he felt me up." "Could you be more specific?" "He touched my bum really." "OK, Chantal." "That's quite a serious accusation." "We'll have to follow that up so if you want to change your mind, no-one is going to judge you or think badly." "I would." "It's a false accusation." "Not helping." "He touched my bum." "OK, Chantal, thanks." "That must have been very difficult for you." "Why don't we just leave it overnight, hey?" "If you want to come and see us, talk things through, you know where I am, OK?" "Usual place." "These looked-after kids." "Can't trust them." "That's the kind of non-judgmental compassion these looked-after kids can always rely on." "I better report straight to Denise." "No getting around it, Ally, you got to tell me." "Get used to it, fella." "OK, well, I spoke to Child A and she maintains it was all the actor and she did nothing, nothing at all, so I don't really know where we go from here, OK?" "If she's determined to stick to that story, we have to get the police involved." "PC Roy's in attendance." "I mean a real policeman, plainclothes, not PC Plumb." "Nitin, this is going to be hugely traumatic for Chantal." "So can we wait, please?" "Get some more support around her before we expose her to the full glare of the press?" "You got till sundown tonight, boy." "What can't you watch Game Of Thrones like everyone else?" "'Hello.'" "Shh." "She's gone off." "Chantal." "What's the matter?" "Are you OK?" "I need to talk to you." "OK, come here." "Do you want anybody else to be in the room with us?" "No." "I just want to talk to you." "I'm sorry you've had to go through all this." "I know it must have been awful." "I'm not a horrible person." "I know that." "I needed the money." "Sorry?" "What money?" "Well, it always says at the bottom of a newspaper," ""Do you know something about a celebrity?"" "So I made something up." "Thought I could sell the story." "So, wait, are you saying none of this happened?" "Well, some of it happened." "Which bit?" "I met him." "I can see you're not going to get much for that." "I can see why you made something up." "What do you need the money for?" "My brother, Cody, he got debts he can't pay and they'll hurt him." "What sort of debts?" "Well, he was taking some drugs to someone and the drugs got nicked so they want him to pay the money." "Or they'll hurt him." "Where does he live?" "Same place as me." "How old is he?" "Nine." "What are you doing?" "New chair and a pay rise, remember?" "Yeah, obviously, I can't do that." "Oh, well, don't worry." "I took the emergency tenner from your Chewbacca pencil case and this will do for now." "OK, Nat, that is my orthopaedic lumbar support chair, OK?" "It cost me a fortune." "Oh, good." "I'll stick it on eBay and get something a bit more fun." "Martin's recovering." "He's having a nice lie down." "Presumably without Audrey on top of him." "Did you get the Chantal thing sorted out?" "I mean, God, after we both defended her." "At least she told the truth in the end." "Quite rare for one of those Ashburn kids to come up trumps." "Well, let's hope it comes in under the press radar." "Well, on that note, our Natalie had rather a good chat with a "not really a journalist" and spilt the beans." "The whole can." "Oh, God, no." "Don't worry." "Because I managed to track down the journalist and I thoroughly enjoyed telling her she didn't have a story any more." "And I also pointed out that she's working in a dying media because print journalism is finally fucked." "Well done, Lord Leveson." "So what's happening with Audrey now?" "Elderly care sorting her somewhere residential?" "Are you kidding?" "She didn't even come up to their needs threshold." "Running amok with no tights on?" "Well, quite." "But I've given her some felt tips." "I've let her loose on Nitin's chart and there should be a result any second now." "No, no, no." "Why would you do this?" "Why would you do anything like this?" "Bingo."