"So here's what you missed on Glee." "Rachel got Kitty to rejoin the glee club and Spencer just joined up on his own, but anyway, the New Directions!" "were really good and they won Sue's weird invitational." "They were sitting on stools, singing in unison." "Something's definitely going on between Rachel and Sam, 'cause, like, they were hanging out and they kissed, but it could have something to do with Sue hypnotizing him." "Santana and Brittany are engaged and in love, but Santana's still super bummed about the time she came out and her grandma disowned her." "Boo." "And that's what you missed on Glee." "(à la Elvis Presley):" "Hey, there, baby." "Ambition is a dream with a V-8 engine." "Do you start every conversation with an impression?" "Uh, it's the world's greatest icebreaker, yes." "What's up?" "Um, I just remembered we talked about getting together this week." "Oh, yeah, is that still on?" "Uh, yeah." "I mean, unless you want to cancel or reschedule." "Do you want to cancel or...?" "I mean, I just..." "No, I..." "I just, you know..." "Later today, after school?" " Breadstix." "Um..." " Cool." "(Dionne Warwick's "I'll Never Fall in Love Again" begins)" "♪ What do you get when you fall in love?" "♪" "♪ A guy with a pin to burst your bubble ♪" "♪ That's what you get for all your trouble ♪" "♪ I'll... ♪" "♪ I'll never fall in love again ♪" "♪ I'll never fall in love again ♪" "♪ What do you do when you kiss a girl?" "♪" "♪ You get enough germs to catch pneumonia ♪" "♪ After you do, she'll never phone you ♪" "♪ I'll... ♪" "♪ Never fall in love again ♪" "♪ Don't you know that I'll never fall in love again ♪" "♪ Don't tell me what's it all about ♪" "♪ 'Cause I've been there and I'm glad I'm out ♪" "BOTH: ♪ Out of those chains, those chains that bind you ♪" "♪ That is why I'm here to remind you ♪" "♪ What do you get when you fall in love?" "♪" "♪ You only get lies and pain and sorrow ♪" "♪ So for at least until tomorrow ♪" "♪ I'll... ♪" "♪ I'll never fall in love again ♪" "♪ Don't you know that I'll ♪" "♪ I'll never fall in love again ♪" "♪ I'll... ♪" "♪ Never fall in love ♪" "♪ Again. ♪" "(knocking at door)" "MOTHER:" "Brittany?" "Sweetie?" "What is it, Mom?" "Your father and I would like to talk to you." "Sorry to bother you, sweetie." " It's okay." " MOTHER:" "Hey." "What are you working on?" "BRITTANY:" "Trying to find a Euler brick whose face diagonal is also an integer." "I'm sorry?" "Well, a Euler brick is a cuboid that possess integer edges A, which is greater than B, which is greater than C, and face diagonals." "DAB, DAC and DBC." "Ooh, the integer's giving me a headache." "Mmm." "Uh, honey..." "Uh, sweetie, um, I was just wondering, uh... have you ever wondered how you ended up a mathematical genius?" "You know, even though I'm of average intelligence and your father is of below average intelligence?" "(chuckles)" "I'm really not a smart man." "I mean, he's got an IQ of 60, so he should only be allowed to harvest vegetables or repair furniture." "See, I have an IQ of 60, so..." "Yeah, I just said that." "Anyway, honey, your father and I have talked it over, and we have decided that it's time for you to know the truth." "And you may find it a little bit shocking..." "What... what is it?" "What..." "what is it?" "Pierce is not your real father." "What?" "What?" "What are..." "We talked about this." "When?" "We talked... we talked every..." "every day for about 19 years." "Oh..." "I remember." "(sighs) Brittany," "I'm not your real father." "Who is my real father, then?" "Yeah, who's her real father?" "Your real father is Dr. Stephen Hawking." "(gasps)" "The robot." "What?" "He's not a robot." "Pierce and I, we went to England on our honeymoon, and that's when Pierce told me that he... and I'm quoting him..." "He said, "I am sterile", and I can't have kids."" "Oh, Mom." "What he really meant was," ""I am virile, and I can't wait to have kids."" "Mom!" "(laughing):" "That's classic." "That sounds like something I would say." " You did say that." " Copy that." " Oh, Mom..." " Anyway," "I cried and I ran, and I ended up going to a pub and getting drunk, and I looked over, and I saw two little wheels underneath the stall, and I ended up having sex with Stephen Hawking." "(exhales) And nine months later," "I got you, in a Indiana barn." "(sniffs) And I want you to know that I'm still your dad, even though I'm not your dad, and I will always be your dad." "Okay." "Yeah, and this is just like... it's just a little shocking." "Oh, I know." "And you know what?" "I'm sorry that you had to wait so long to hear this." "Okay, well, Mom and Dad?" "Um..." "I have some news, so..." " Uh-oh." " No, no, it's great." "Santana and I are getting married." " Oh!" " Oh..." "You see?" "These girls!" " Santana?" " Oh, my gosh!" "That's fantastic!" "(school bell ringing)" " Sam, I'm sorry." " Rachel, I'm sorry." "What are you sorry for?" "Um, for blowing off our date." "Well, I blew off our date." "Me, too!" "I..." "Well, look, I know we talked about just going as friends, but then..." "Look, I'll admit it, Rachel." "I have a..." "a little thing for you, and with a nudge or two, it could probably go into a big thing." "But there's, like, a huge part of me that has a bigger thing for Mercedes, so I..." "Look, I'd be lying if I didn't say that I have feelings for you, too." "It's just that I have more important things to focus on, like teaching these young kids." "Oh, my God." "I am supposed to be teaching health class right now." "Okay?" "I am so sorry." "I gotta go." "Uh, I love you, Rachel." "Bye." "Okay." "Love you." "(school bell ringing)" "Hello, winners!" "I don't know about you guys, but I'm still basking in the glow of our first of many championship trophies." "KURT:" "Well, Rachel and I want our champions to celebrate another champion." "Katniss Everdeen!" "Close." "Burt Bacharach." "This is a good time to go to the bathroom or get a snack." "KURT:" "Burt Bacharach has written 73..." "Count 'em, 73..." "Top 40 hits." "He's also won three Oscars, two Golden Globes, a boatload of Grammys, and his music has been featured on everything from The Simpsons to Goodfellas." "And you can't help but grin when you listen to his music." "His songs are uplifting and theatrical and optimistic." "KURT:" "We need to soak up all his uplifting energy as we get ready for Sectionals." "Which are five weeks away, but I guarantee you," "Vocal Adrenaline and the Warblers are doing everything in their power to regain their former glory." "But fear not, because we have a secret weapon." "Is that my cue?" "(cheering) Diva!" "Yes, I am here to mentor you, and yes, these are my beautiful diamonds, and yes, my single "Shakin' My Head"" "is number 89 on iTunes." "Ooh..." "So, which one of you wants me to mentor you?" " Somebody?" " Me, me, me." " Me." " Oh, my God!" "(school bell ringing)" "So, let's get to it." "What's going on between you and Sam?" "We..." "Nothing." "I mean, why?" "What did... what did you hear?" "If the Olympics had a gossip event," "Kurt Hummel would be Mark Spitz." "We were supposed to go out on a date, but both of us bailed because neither of us wanted to hurt you." "Mercedes Jones has seen Paris, okay?" "(laughs)" "No, I-I-I love Sam, but we're just friends." "Plus, we already talked about this." "It's time for you to get back out there." "I'll think about it." "You know, it feels super weird being in here." "Mmm." "I know." "I used to feel that way, but then I got used to it." "Yeah, well, I'm all for what you're doing here, as long as it's a part of the Rachel Berry Rebuilding Project." "Because we both know that soon enough, you're gonna have to go back to where you belong." "New York." "Broadway." "Why are you getting so worked up about it?" "I'm gonna go back." "I know you are, because at my lunch yesterday with Russell Simmons, he told me about a new Broadway show his friend is producing." "It's a new, original musical." "They're holding auditions on Friday, and you're going." "There is absolutely no way" "I'm going to get an audition." "Really?" "Because I had Russell call and get you one, so what are you gonna sing?" "No, I'm not..." "I'm not ready to go back there." "(sighs)" "You want to know what the best thing is about having our gift?" "It's always there, like a good friend." "You know, when you open your mouth, there it is." "But these kids..." "You're doing God's work here, okay?" "Nobody's trying to stop that." "But they're not going to Sectionals for another five weeks." "And I can tell you that nothing feels right if Rachel Berry isn't in front of an audience somewhere, killing it six nights a week and twice on Sunday." "I'm just scared." "I know you are, girl." "And that's why I set up a little old-school inspiration for you in the auditorium." "(laughs)" "♪ Sha la la la la ♪" "♪ Sha la la la la ♪" "♪ Sha-la-la-la-la ♪" "♪ It's not the way you smile ♪" "♪ That touched my heart ♪" "♪ Sha-la-la-la-la ♪" "♪ It's not the way you kiss ♪" "♪ That tears me apart ♪" "♪ Whoa-ho-ho ♪" "♪ Ooh... ♪ ♪ Many, many nights roll by ♪" "♪ I sit alone at home and cry ♪" "♪ Over you ♪" "♪ What can I do?" "♪" "♪ Ah... ♪" "♪ Can't help myself ♪" "♪ 'Cause, baby, it's you ♪" "♪ Sha la la la la ♪" "♪ Baby, it's you ♪" "♪ Sha la la la la ♪" "♪ Sha-la-la-la-la ♪" "♪ You should hear what they say ♪" "♪ About you ♪" "♪ Cheat, cheat ♪" "♪ They say you've never, never, never ♪" "♪ Been true ♪ ♪ Cheat, cheat ♪" "♪ Whoa-oa-oa ♪" "♪ It doesn't matter ♪" "♪ What they say ♪ ♪ Ah... ♪" "♪ I know I'm gonna love you any old way ♪" "♪ What can I do ♪" "♪ When it's true?" "♪" "♪ I don't want nobody ♪" "♪ Nobody ♪" "♪ 'Cause, baby, it's you ♪" "♪ Sha la la la la ♪" "♪ Baby, baby, it's you ♪" "♪ Sha la la la la ♪" "♪ Don't leave me alone ♪" "♪ Sha la la la la ♪" "♪ Come on home ♪" "♪ Sha la la la la ♪" "♪ Baby, baby, it's you ♪" "♪ Sha la la la la ♪" "♪ Baby, it's you. ♪" "Thank you, Mercedes." "Hey, even mentors need mentors." "I appreciate it." "And you're right, I do miss New York." "I think about being in my dressing room and listening to the crowd settling in." "But I just..." "I can't." "I can't do it." "Welcome to my bedroom." "I've been in here before." " We dated for, like, three months." " Uh, I think" "I would have remembered if I dated a guy with glasses, okay?" "(Meows)" "I have a question." "I would like to hire you to be Santana's and my wedding planner." "For free." "Wow." " I'm honored." " Great." " But why me?" " Partially because it felt like you've had nothing to do all year." "And also because you're a director." "And I thought you could really help me bring my vision to life." " Okay, pitch it to me." " Okay." "I made a list of all the things that remind me of Santana because I thought one of them could be a great theme." "Okay, what are they?" "(sighs)" " Scissors." " Uh-uh." " Sweet lady-kisses?" " No." "Tuna." "(meows)" "Lord Tubbington snuck that one in." " Okay." "Heaven." " Wait." " Elaborate." " (Sighs) Well, uh..." "When I'm with Santana, it just feels like I'm in Heaven, and... (Dusty Springfield's "Wishin' and Hopin'" begins) ...angel wings remind me of her." "Okay, let's explore Heaven." "♪ Wishin' and hopin' ♪" "♪ And thinkin' and prayin' ♪" "♪ Plannin' and dreamin' ♪" "♪ Each night of her charms ♪" "♪ That won't get you into her arms ♪" "♪ So if you're lookin' to find love ♪" "♪ You can share... ♪" "♪ All you got to do is hold her ♪" "♪ And kiss her and love her ♪" "♪ And show her that you care ♪" "♪ Show her that you care ♪" "♪ Just for her ♪" "♪ Do the things ♪" "♪ She likes to do ♪" "♪ Wear your hair ♪" "♪ Just for her ♪" "♪ 'Cause... ♪" "♪ You won't get her ♪" "♪ Thinkin' and a-prayin' ♪" "♪ Wishin' and a-hopin' ♪" "♪ 'Cause wishing' and hopin' ♪" "♪ And thinkin' and prayin' ♪" "♪ Plannin' and dreamin' ♪" "♪ The kisses will start ♪" "♪ That won't get you ♪" "♪ Into her heart ♪ ♪ Ah-ooh ♪" "♪ So if you're thinkin' about how great ♪" "♪ True love is... ♪" "♪ All you gotta do is ♪" "♪ Hold her and kiss her ♪" "♪ And squeeze her and love her ♪" "♪ Yeah, just do it, and after you do ♪" "♪ You will be hers ♪" "♪ You will be hers ♪" "♪ You will be hers... ♪" "I think Heaven may be the perfect theme for this wedding." "Yeah, or not." "Let's keep it on the list." "I still think the underworld could be cool." "Let's think about that." "(school bell ringing)" "Sorry to break up your boy time, boys." "But we have a crisis, and I need to recruit you guys." "It's Rachel." "Now, we all know that she needed to come back here and lick her wounds, and I think it's great that she got the glee club up and running again... (clears throat) And you're doing a great job, too, Kurt," "with, you know, whatever your thesis is." "But what I do know is..." "Rachel's destiny is bigger than this place." "And it's not just that she's scared to try again, it's almost like she's forgotten that." " Yeah, but how are we..." " How are..." " How are we supposed to remind her?" " Yeah." "Well, we have to make her homesick." "But isn't she home now?" "We need to make her homesick for New York." "It's where she belongs." "Artie is already in, and I put in a call to Blaine." "I'm sorry if that's awkward for you, Kurt." "But if you guys will follow me." " Okay." " Yeah." "Okay..." "(school bell ringing)" "SANTANA:" "Britt, I think that we can invite them, but I don't really think that Johnny Weir and Joan Baez are gonna come." "Hmm." "Between you and me, though, that lady was the best "sexter" I've ever had." "Uh, why are you inviting my abuela?" "Because you won't, and she should be there." "You know, when I was little, we used to play wedding all the time." "She would give me her veil, and I would wrap her shawl around me like a dress," "I would march down the aisle, and she would hum the wedding march." "And then she would ask me what guy I was gonna marry that day." "My whole life, I've dreamt of my wedding with her sitting in the front row, bawling." "And-and believe me, if I could get in her head and bring her into this century," "I would, and I would forgive her and have her here." "She's my abuela, you know, like the lady with the big plates of rice and beans." "(chuckles) Of course." "But last I heard, she was on Facebook, posting about her diverticulitis, trolling for sympathy." "See, it's even more important... she's sick." "No, Britt, she can't poop." "And I don't think that's gonna kill her." "Tell that to fat Elvis." "(meows)" "But, um..." "Having her at my wedding means not marrying you." "And I'd choose you over everyone." "I choose you, too." "(doorbell rings)" "Yes?" "Hi, um, Abuela Lopez?" "I'm Brittany." "The agency sent me." "I'm your new nurse." "Uh, what agency?" "Uh, you know, is it okay if I just, like, go ahead and set up inside?" "Uh..." "Yeah." "You look great, by the way." "You could be Peter Pan, except in, like, a retirement home production sort of way." "I know a guy." "I'll pick up a new dosage in an hour." "Thanks Dr. ***." "Now, should we talk about your stool?" " I am sorry that Brittany..." " Mmhmm..." "I don't feel comfortable with having a stranger in my home" "Or talking about my stool." "__" "__" "But I'm afraid I..." "Oh, but I'm so sorry to interrupt, but, um, I never miss my telenovelas." "You-you don't mind, do you?" "(sighs)" "That guy is a bastard." "Mmm." "Ugh." "He's still not wearing a shirt." "Mmm, I see, yeah." "(chuckles)" "Oh." "Is your husband a good man?" "Well, I'm only engaged." "(gasps) Brittany." "Oh, young love is a treasure." "Is there a fire and passion?" "I popped a hip once." "Oh!" "That makes a difference." "(both laughing)" "You must tell me all about it." "How you met, will you have any children, how soon will you have them, and how many?" "I'm going to make us a huge pile of rice and beans." "Actually, I thought maybe, um... we could go out for some fresh air, maybe some... fondue?" "♪ Queso por dos ♪ Hey!" "♪ Queso por dos ♪ (backup singers singing in Spanish)" "♪ Queso por dos. ♪" "Hola." "Welcome to Queso por Dos, which I just sold to Univision." "Tonight's special invitado, Señora Abuela Lopez." "Thank you for leaving your musty hoarder home and taking three buses to get here." "Ah." "My mouth is burning." "Oh, gracias." "It's got a mean kick." "Just like you." "Lord and Lady Tubbington, that piñata's for our guests." "(meows)" "As America knows," "I'm getting married soon." "So the only thing that's on my mind is weddings." "Oh, and learning that Stephen Hawking is my dad." "So tonight's show is all about weddings." "And, if there's time, Stephen Hawking." "Question... how did you meet your dead husband, Señor Lopez?" "Ah, Hector Lopez and I, Alma Lopez, were childhood sweethearts." "And then he went to Vietnam and died." "Which was sad but wonderful because then I met Pedro Lopez, who ended up being the true love of my life." "Oh, that is exactly like me and my fiancée, except for the Vietnam part." "(gasps) Speaking of American history, fun fact..." "First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt had a best friend Lorena Hickok." "They vacationed together, wrote over 3,000 letters to each other, and, legend has it, Eleanor kissed Lorena's picture every night before bed." "Your cats are reading." "(purring)" "BRITTANY:" "Oh, abuela, planning a wedding can be so much work." "Maybe my fiancée and I should just elope." "Ah!" "If you do that, I'll skin you alive." "When two souls unite as one, it is a day of celebration." "You should be surrounded by your loved ones, especially Tu familia." "Friends come and go, but family is your blood." "And they need to share in your joy." "BRITTANY:" "Beautifully said." "ALMA:" "Thank you." "RACHEL:" "Mercedes." "I told you I came here to mentor and to guide." "(sighs)" "New York is endgame for you, Rachel." "It just is." "You know, sometimes you need a little bit of inspiration to remind you and light the way." "(Christopher Cross's "Arthur's Theme" begins)" "♪ Once in your life you'll find her ♪" "♪ Someone who turns your heart around ♪" "♪ And next thing you know ♪" "♪ You're closing down the town ♪" "♪ Wake up and it's still with you ♪" "♪ Even though you left her way across town ♪" "♪ You're wondering to yourself ♪" "♪ "Hey, what have I found?" ♪" "♪ When you get caught ♪" "♪ Between the moon and New York City ♪" "♪ I know it's crazy ♪" "♪ But it's true ♪" "♪ If you get caught ♪" "♪ Between the moon and New York City ♪" "♪ The best that you can do ♪" "♪ The best that you can do ♪" "♪ Is fall in love ♪" "♪ Arthur, he does as he pleases ♪" "♪ All of his life, his master's toys ♪" "♪ And deep in his heart ♪" "♪ He's just ♪" "♪ He's just a boy ♪" "♪ Living his life one day at a time ♪" "♪ He's showing himself a really good time ♪" "♪ He's laughing about the way ♪" "♪ They want him to be ♪" "♪ When you get caught between the moon and New York City ♪" "♪ I know it's crazy ♪" "♪ But it's true ♪" "♪ Ah... ah... ♪" "♪ If you get caught ♪" "♪ Between the moon and New York City ♪" "♪ The best that you can do ♪ ♪ The best that you can do ♪" "♪ The best that you can do ♪" "♪ Is fall in love. ♪" "(song ends, applause)" "(clears throat)" "So, what did you think?" "Look, you guys, uh, despite your valiant effort," "I just, I'm not ready to go back." "MERCEDES:" "Well," "I am not leaving until you are." "(students chattering)" "Excuse me, excuse me." "What are you doing?" "I'm meeting my Latino fans." "__" "Okay, you know what, we need to talk." "Right now." "Afuera." " Go on." " Thanks, guys." "Don't be mad at me." "Why do you think that it's okay to go behind my back and be friends with someone who would rather see me dead than in love with another woman?" "You came out to abuela ten years ago, okay?" "Times have changed." "It was three years ago, and nothing has changed for her, and it never will." "And believe me, it's not just the homos that she has a problem with, because it took that bitch" "50 years to talk to a black person, and it was her mailman, and then she accused him of stealing her Christmas cards." "Well, did he?" "No." "Look, either Mr. Shue or Rosie O'Donnell once said, "People are afraid"" "of what they don't know."" "Okay, I used to be afraid of Greek yogurt, and then once I added a box of sugar, it kind of grew on me." "Maybe it's our job as young, hot progressives to educate older, scary farts." "I mean, if abuela gets to know us and sees that we're somewhat normal, like how I sometimes dance in my sleep and how you sometimes dye your hair blonde for no reason, then she'll see us for who we really are, okay?" "And then maybe she'll understand that, um, aside from the awesome lesbian sex part, that we're-we're just like everybody else." "We at least have to try, right?" "Okay." "Do you want a signed picture?" "Please?" "I'm sure you do." "We should, um, print up our wedding menus on the back of that." "Yay!" "Queso por Dos." "(laughter)" "(sighs)" "Did I ever tell you that I love you?" "Tell me again." "I love you." "I love you." "(Carpenters' "(They Long to Be) Close to You" begins)" "♪ Why do birds ♪" "♪ Suddenly appear ♪" "♪ Every time ♪" "♪ You are near?" "♪" "♪ Just like me ♪" "♪ They long to be ♪" "♪ Close to you ♪" "♪ Why do stars ♪" "♪ Fall down from the sky ♪" "♪ Every time ♪" "♪ You walk by?" "♪" "♪ Just like me ♪" "♪ They long to be ♪" "♪ Close to you ♪" "♪ On the day that you were born ♪" "♪ The angels got together ♪" "♪ And decided to create a dream come true ♪" "♪ So they sprinkled moondust in your hair of gold ♪" "♪ And starlight in your eyes ♪" "♪ Of blue ♪ Everybody together." "♪ That is why ♪" "♪ All the boys ♪" "♪ In town ♪" "♪ Follow you ♪" "♪ All around ♪" "♪ Just like me ♪" "♪ They long to be ♪" "♪ Close to you ♪" "♪ Just like me ♪" "♪ They long to be ♪" "♪ Close to you. ♪" "That was beautiful, Sam, but isn't that song a little romantic to be singing to your friend?" "Oh, come on, we're not just friends." "Um, yeah, we are." " We broke up months ago." " Okay, well, it's kind of a hard transition to just being friends." "You know, like, two minutes ago, it was cool if I touched your boobs, but then we break up, and then it's not, and then..." "But you've been dating people, right?" "I mean, you're going out with girls," "I assumed, and you just weren't telling me." "No, no, I-I wouldn't lie to you about that." "Actually, I thought that if I did, it would hurt you and we wouldn't be friends anymore." "Sam." "You're sweet." "Okay, but you have to trust that our friendship is stronger than that." "You have to believe that we really love each other." "Here, I'll show you." "So, I've been seeing someone." "No, I've been seeing a couple of people, but this guy seems to be really cool." "Uh, we met at the BET Awards." "He's a Christian rock singer, and he's saving himself until marriage, too." "Hmm." "So... how does that make you feel?" "Uh..." "A little jealous, but I guess mostly happy for you." "See, that proves that we've moved into the friend zone." "And it also proves that you need to get out into the dating world, and yes, I am talking about Rachel Berry." "So you're not, like, bummed out about me and her giving it a go?" "I need you to help heal her heart." "And yes, if it makes you feel any better," "I am a little bit jealous." "There we go, that's why I want." "I just wanted to hear that you were jealous." "(chuckles) So, um, is this, uh, this Christian rock guy, is he" ""bigger than me"?" "Well, yeah, they call him Tank, so what do you think?" "(groans) I'm sorry, Sam, but your little white boy booty was just an outlier." "Mercedes Jones is all about that bass." "I'm not ready for that." "I am not ready for, uh, to be one-upped by a Tank." "(laughs)" "(school bell ringing)" "(muttering)" "Mercedes, you're here!" "Uh, yeah, you texted me, like, ten times." "What's going on?" "I need you to take over the glee club for me." "You're not going anytime soon, are you?" "No, but isn't that what Kurt is for?" "Kurt, yes, uh, Kurt, he's great." "He's my rock;" "he's my best friend." "It's just that, you know," "I think that he works better when he collaborates." "I don't want all the kids singing "Into the Woods"" "and Paula Cole this week, so you'll just keep them in check?" "And I'll be back soon, okay?" "Is everything okay?" "You're doing it?" "You're doing it?" "Oh, my God!" "Rachel, I knew that you would." "You are going to kill this audition." "I just want to say thank you for what you said and for what you sang." "You were right," "(choking up):" "and I know that... this is all really just a huge long shot, and I-I probably won't even get it, and I could totally mess up and forget my words." "I just..." "I'm sorry." "Rachel, what is going on?" "I'm just scared." "I haven't been this scared in my whole life." "You know, when I was in high school, and I had all these big Broadway dreams," "I just got used to everyone laughing at me." "And I figured one day I would make it, and I would show them that I'm not a joke anymore." "(sniffles) And then I did, and it all fell apart, and I realized that there is a whole different kind of laughing that is way worse, so..." "I can't." "I can't fail again." "(sniffles)" "Rachel, we're all going to fail again and again." "You think I haven't had bad nights on tour?" "The hardest part is just getting up, shaking it off and getting on with it." "But let me tell you this." "When you sing, nobody's laughing." "Thank you." "All right, now, stand up." "And take a deep breath." "Whew." "And there's only two things that you need to remember." "What's your name?" "Rachel Berry." "And?" "My name is Rachel Berry, and I'll be singing." ""Promises, Promises" by Burt Bacharach." "("Promises, Promises" begins)" "♪ Promises, promises ♪" "♪ I'm all through with promises ♪" "♪ Promises now ♪" "♪ I don't know how ♪" "♪ I got the nerve ♪" "♪ To walk out ♪" "♪ If I shout ♪" "♪ Remember ♪" "♪ I feel free ♪" "♪ Now I can look at myself ♪" "♪ And be proud ♪" "♪ I'm laughing out loud ♪" "♪ Oh, promises, promises ♪" "♪ This is where those promises, promises end ♪" "♪ I don't pretend ♪" "♪ That what was wrong ♪" "♪ Can be right ♪" "♪ Every night ♪" "♪ I sleep now ♪" "♪ No more lies ♪" "♪ Things that I promised myself ♪" "♪ Fell apart ♪" "♪ But I found my heart ♪" "♪ Oh, promises, their kind of promises ♪" "♪ Can just destroy a life ♪" "♪ Oh, promises, those kind of promises ♪" "♪ Take all the joy from life ♪" "♪ Oh, promises, promises ♪" "♪ My kind of promises ♪" "♪ Can lead to joy ♪" "♪ And hope ♪" "♪ And love ♪" "♪ Yes ♪" "♪ Love ♪" "♪ Love... ♪" "(applause)" "What are we doing here?" "Uh, does your fiancée work here?" "No." "Am I going to get to meet him?" "No, this is a surprise, okay?" "Trust me, it's..." "You're gonna love it." "♪ What's it all about?" "♪" "♪ Alfie ♪" "♪ Is it just for the moment ♪" "♪ We live?" "♪" "♪ What's it all about ♪" "♪ When you sort it out, Alfie?" "♪" "♪ Are we meant to take more ♪" "♪ Than we give ♪" "♪ Or are we meant to be kind?" "♪" "♪ And if ♪" "♪ Only fools are kind ♪" "♪ Alfie ♪" "♪ Then I guess it is wise ♪" "♪ To be cruel ♪" "♪ And if life belongs ♪" "♪ Only to the strong, Alfie ♪" "♪ What will you lend ♪" "♪ On an old golden rule?" "♪" "♪ As sure as I believe ♪" "♪ There's a Heaven above ♪" "♪ Alfie ♪" "♪ Ah... ♪" "♪ I know there's something much more ♪" "♪ Something even unbelievers ♪" "♪ Can believe in ♪" "♪ Alfie ♪" "♪ Alfie ♪" "♪ Alfie... ♪" "Hi, abuela." "Hi." "You look really good." "Did you lose some weight?" "Diverticulitis." "So you two know each other?" "Um, yeah." "Well, uh... remember when I was talking about my wedding?" " Uh..." " Mm-hmm." "So Santana's my fiancée." "So you come into my home, treat me with kindness, lure me here and trick me into seeing my granddaughter and hear her sing?" "Yes, because..." "I love Santana with everything, and I would do anything for Santana, okay?" "Even tricking a sick old woman." "You taught me to be a strong Latina woman." "To be bigger than the world was ever gonna give me permission to be." "And I have." "You-you taught me not just to exist, because I'm worth so much more than that." "And without Britt, I just... exist." "She's the love of my life, and I'm going to marry her, and-and I want to share that with you, because... without your love, I-I think I just exist, too." "Please, please, just come to the wedding." "No." "Right is right." "I love you, Santana." "But I don't love your sin." "Girls marry boys, not other girls." "So you're really not coming?" "No." "I'm sorry to disappoint you, but you disappointed me first." "Good." "I'm glad you're not coming." "You know, the New York Times said, um, half the increase in support of gay marriage is due to generational turnover." "That's what smart people call "crazy uptight bitches dying."" "You guys lost, okay?" "And honestly, the rest of us are just... going about our business, being normal and waiting for you not to be around..." "And not because you can stop us from getting married, but just because you're kind of annoying." "You let her talk to me like this?" "Take a look." "Because this... this is what real love looks like." "And I love you so much." "But Britt is my family now, and if having her in my family means not having you, then... that's a trade I'll take any day." "It's like walking into your own bedroom after being away." "Like, the comfort and the smell and the lights hitting your face..." "It was incredible." "And once I started to sing, it was like everything stopped, time froze..." "My mind hasn't been that clear in a really long time." "And I think I sounded pretty good." "Yeah, well, Broadway Berry's back at it." "So what happened then?" "Did they just give you the part on the spot?" "Ow!" "What?" "I'm excited." "I don't know." "MERCEDES:" "You know what?" "It doesn't matter." "All that matters is you did what you set out to do and you got back on that horse, girl." "I... honestly, I cannot thank you enough," "Mercedes." "I've never felt so at peace after an audition." "All I needed was that one second between stepping on the stage and hitting that first note." "(phone buzzes)" "Oh." "Damn." "Okay, we have to head to the auditorium." "I'll meet you guys there." "Don't be late." "You know you don't need a mentor to get back to Broadway or New York." "You're going to get back there no matter what." "Nothing can stop Rachel Berry." "Thanks." "You're very sweet." "And I'm also happy you're going to be sticking around for a while, because we have so much fun working together, and... all the fun." "Well, what do you say we enjoy every last minute of it, then?" "Want to get that Breadstix dinner back on the books?" "Uh, yeah." "Yeah, that'd be great." "Um, next Thursday?" "Yeah." "(school bell ringing)" "What are you thinking about?" "Abuela." "And how I should be mad at her, but I just feel sad for her." "What are you thinking about?" "Debra Messing and hypercubes, but also abuela." "God, I shouldn't have said all those nasty things to her." "It was..." "Wait." "(sighs)" "Listen, I'm really, really proud of how you stood up for me." "You're my lady knight in shining armor." "And I, um, I just wanted to believe that people could really change." "And I wanted her to say that she accepts me." "But I have a lot of love in my life already." "A lot." "A lot, a lot." "Me." "(laughing):" "Yeah." "You." "Now, let's go humor a bunch of tone-deaf losers by acting surprised when we walk in this auditorium." "Deal." "(fake surprised gasps)" "(school bell ringing)" "May I escort you to your seats?" "Mmm, you may." "Hello." "Hi." "RODERICK:" "Good evening." "So fancy." "I know." "Hi." "MADISON:" "Hi." "These are your seats, ladies." "Oh, thank you." "Thanks." "(laughs)" "Yay." "Welcome, guests of honor." "Now, as your wedding planner," "I need to warn you about a major crisis regarding the wedding reception." "Since Santana's grandmother is no longer attending..." "Such a shame..." "There is now an empty seat at the Lopez family table." "And I don't know what to do about it." "The problem isn't removing a chair;" "the problem is adding chairs, because several other members of Santana's family want that spot." "KURT:" "Family are the people who embrace you with open arms no matter what." "They can see the pain in your eyes even when you're fooling everyone else." "Family's about laughing louder, smiling bigger and living better." "Family's like fudge." "It's mostly sweet, with a couple of nuts." "MERCEDES:" "And although we're not related by blood, we are bonded by something much stronger:" "love." "And it might be a little presumptuous, but we would like to be in your wedding party." "And the new kids and I would be honored to cater, pass out programs and release the doves." "There had better be doves." "Oh, there will be." "Santana and Brittany, this is for you." "We love you." "(Burt Bacharach's "What the World Needs Now" begins)" "♪ What the world needs now ♪" "♪ Is love, sweet love ♪" "♪ It's the only thing ♪" "♪ That there's just ♪" "♪ Too little of ♪" "♪ What the world needs now ♪" "♪ Is love, sweet love ♪" "♪ No, not just for some ♪" "♪ But for everyone ♪" "♪ Lord, we don't need another mountain ♪" "♪ There are mountains ♪" "♪ And hillsides enough to climb ♪" "♪ There are oceans ♪" "♪ And rivers ♪" "♪ Enough to cross ♪" "♪ Enough to last ♪" "♪ Till the end of time ♪" "♪ Till the end of time ♪" "♪ What the world needs now ♪" "♪ Is love, sweet love ♪" "♪ No, not just for some ♪" "♪ But for everyone... ♪" "Hello!" "Oh, my gosh!" "Happy Hanukkah." "♪ Oh, we don't need ♪" "Good to see you guys." "♪ Another meadow ♪" "Look how big he is!" "♪ There are cornfields ♪" "(cheering) ♪ And wheat fields ♪" "♪ Enough to grow ♪" "♪ There are sunbeams and moonbeams ♪" "♪ Enough to shine ♪" "♪ Oh, listen, Lord ♪" "♪ If you want to know ♪" "♪ What the world needs now ♪ ♪ What the world needs now ♪" "♪ Is love, sweet love ♪ ♪ Love, sweet love ♪" "♪ It's the only thing that there's just ♪" "♪ There's just ♪ ♪ Too little of ♪" "♪ Too little of ♪ (doorbell rings)" "♪ What the world needs now ♪" "♪ What the world needs now ♪ ♪ Is love ♪" "♪ Sweet love ♪ ♪ Is sweet love ♪" "Hi." "♪ No, not just for some ♪" "♪ Oh, but just ♪" "♪ For every ♪ ♪ Every ♪" "♪ Everyone. ♪" "(cheering, applauding)" "You guys are the best!"