"Dad." "Ben, I didn't realize you were here." "I mean, I knew you were here, but I didn't know you were up." "Well, you know, I'm a little mad, because it's so late, and where were you?" "You know where I was, I was out with, with Alice tonight." "You know that, Ben, I told you I was going out with her." "I just didn't think..." "What kind of woman would..." "Keep a man out 'til five past midnight?" "Well..." "It's a little late for a first date." "This is not our first date, this is our third date and we were having a good time, and..." "I was waiting up and... was nervous and anything could've happened." "You could have, I don't know, gone off and done something stupid, like eloped." "Could have gone to Vegas and lost all our money." "I don't know what you're gonna do..." "Ben, we were sharing cherry cheesecake." "Don't make me ashamed of that." "Well, did you go out, or did you..." "Yeah, we went out for dinner, we went to a bookstore." "She reads, huh?" "Not only does she read, she's written three best-selling books." "She's a doctor?" "Is she a medical doctor?" "Or is she one of those fake doctors?" "No, she's an actual medical doctor." "She's a gastroenterologist." "I'm a little confused how you are a gastroenterologist and you write best-sellers." "Does she write about gastroenterology?" "'Cause that's not a popular topic." "She's the author of "Up Your Ass"!" "Which has been on the top ten list for 20 years." "She wrote a book 15 years ago called" ""I'll Show You Binding", no, no, she wrote a book called "Bound for Glory" and I think..." "Any messages, Laura?" "Dr. Webber called." "Twice, already." "Oh, really?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "Hey, Laura, can I ask you something that's really none of my business?" "And..." "Oh... no!" "Let me re-phrase this question." "Can I tell you something that's none of your business?" "I'd rather you didn't." "Actually, I think I do need to ask you something." "Can I ask you something that's really..." "You know what?" "Just don't ask me if you can, just do it." "Okay, here's the thing:" "Have you ever been in a situation where you're going out with somebody a couple of times and all of a sudden, you realize that, there's no electricity there..." "This is someone who you prefer as a friend?" "Of course, Dr. Katz." "Well, how do you deal with that situation?" "Because I think..." "Well, you just..." "You don't go out with them anymore." "You tell them, you have to tell them." "'Cause see, this woman I'm going out with, Dr. Webber," "I think she really digs me and I think..." "Did she say that she "digs" you?" "No, no one used the word "dig" until now." "I mean, are you sure that you're not..." "Reading the signs wrong?" "No, in fact, this is not such an unusual situation for me to be in." "It just hasn't happened in maybe 20, 30 years." "Oh." "She's very charming." "And she's good company, we have many things in common, ahh." "We both love music, we share a passion for technology." "But there's something missing in the relationship..." "I think it's her chin." "Hmmm." "I've looked everywhere!" "Well, you know, she can't help that." "I mean, if you really like her and you get along with her..." "I know it's petty..." "It seems so petty to find a physical flaw in somebody who is even mildly interested in me." "Yeah." "Y'know, it's just you grow up with certain expectations in life..." "A chin!" "I just don't know what to do, Dr. Katz." "Well..." "I don't... every time I go up on stage and I do my act, my mother tells me that she doesn't like what I'm doing." "And why is that?" "Well, I'm talking about Larry Hagman and the new liver." "She doesn't like that!" ""I dream of liver..." "That's not even funny!"" "Well, it's not up to her." "I mean, that's..." "She's telling me I can't do it." ""No, you can't do that one." "Don't be talking about me." "Don't be talking about your father."" ""God, why don't you talk about yourself?" "Yes, you do have a weight problem."" "Aunt Rose, she likes what I'm doing." ""Yeah, that Kevin, he's got the best jokes." "He's so handsome on stage, too." "He looks beauuu-tiful." "Oh, I love him on that stage, sweating like a madman."" "Okay, let's talk about the young Kevin Meaney." "Let's talk about your childhood." "My parents would always have company come over, y'know?" "Mm-hmm." ""Mr. Richter's coming over."" "So I'd always hear that one." ""Mr. Richter's coming over and he just got back from Sweden and he had a sex-change operation." "I don't want any of you kids to say anything about him being a woman!" "You've got something to say, you just tell him how pretty he looks!"" "The peterkins were always coming over, too." "Ugh, I hated the Peterkins." "They didn't have any kids so they'd come over to look at us." "My mother was always telling us, too, that Mrs. Peterkin was sick." ""She's sick, are you happy?" "She's sick!"" ""What's wrong with her?"" ""She's got thyroid."" "So don't be mentioning the GD thyroid when she gets here."" "We didn't know what thyroid was." "Next thing ya know, Peterkin shows up and she's got these big eyes from outer space!" "Yeah." "Sittin' around the dinner table." "She's looking at us, we're looking at her." "Nobody's blinkin'." "Right." "Aunt Rose, she wouldn't make it any easier on us, either." ""I hear ol' bug-eyed Peterkin's coming over tonight." "Hey, kids, look what I got!" "Bug-eyed Peterkin's eyes!" "Last night, they finally blew!"" "Hey, Ben." "Dad, let me cut to the chase, right now." "Okay, that'll be good." "Where's this thing going?" "I mean, what do we see for the future here?" "I-I-I..." "I don't know, I guess we'll just talk for a couple of minutes, then I'll talk to someone else." "No, I'm not talking about me, dad." "I'm talking about you and what's-her-name." "Alice." "Yeah, I don't mention her name in the house." "No, Ben, listen..." "I just don't want this to get out of hand, dad, without you discussing it first with your family." "Which is me and that uncle we have." "Ben, I don't understand what it is that makes you uncomfortable about..." "I'm not mad about it, I'm just saying..." "You seem to be deliberately leaving me out." "Like last night, you ended the conversation very abruptly." "I know it was late, but umm..." "What was that thing "Good night" all about?" "I didn't know how to respond to the line that "Women will eat you alive."" "Well, maybe I was being a little too..." "Well, I don't know, Ben." "But it seems to me that this thing is moving at its own..." "It has its own rhythm and its own pace." "Oh my god, you slept with her." "No, no, in fact, we haven't consummated the, uhh..." "We haven't had any consommé yet." "Well,." "Dad, don't get me laughing when I'm very upset right now." "Why is that?" "Why wouldn't you want your father to experience happiness?" "Well, dad, y'know, I was just a little concerned." "Maybe I don't want to see you get hurt again." "You mean romantically." "Yeah." "Y'know, in every relationship, somebody has the upper hand romantically and I feel like in this one, it's me." "You got you got hurt by mom, didn't you?" "Well, we both got hurt, that was..." "It sounds like it's getting serious." "Well..." "You shared cheesecake and..." "Y'know, Ben, I'm just taking this one day at a time." "Y'know, seeing how this thing evolves." "It's only been three dates." "We had lunch, right." "We had dinner." "And now..." "You had dinner again." "I think I'm putting on weight." "Oh my god!" "She's fattening me up for the kill." "Is that how they do it?" "You know how some people want to grow old together?" "Mm-hmm." "She just wants to explode with me." "Laura!" "Ohhh, here comes trouble." "Clever." "Let me tell you something, Laura." "There's love in the air and it stinks to high heaven." "You know what I'm talking about, right?" "No." "Well, my dad is practically getting married and then we'll..." "He is?" "Well, you know my dad is going out with a woman now," " right?" " Yeah." "Have you noticed lately that my dad has been, you know, very into this relationship?" "Like a little too much?" "No, not really." "It's happening..." "It's happening." "Ben, I mean, that would be a good thing." "No, that's not a good thing, Laura." "It's not good to get involved with a woman when you're over 40." "I mean, there's a point when you gotta stop." "Well, I think you're overreacting." "I-I... in my mind I think he's getting ready to hook up to the old "ball and chain"." "Well, what makes her the ball and chain?" "Laura, let me explain something to you about the marriage tradition, alright?" "Okay." "In the olden days, Laura, women would stay at home." "Yeah." "Raise kids..." "They would milk the cows." "They would take that milk, make butter with it." "Yeah." "They would also make milk with it." "They would make heavy cream." "They would make ice cream." "Then they would make the hot fudge." "Okay, so your point?" "My point is that women make dairy products." "How is your social life?" "Things are not good, my social life is not very good." "Umm, how should I put it?" "Well, let's say Anne Frank got out more than I do." "Mm-hmm." "Y'know, I always had this fantasy when you get together with someone..." "Y'know, you have a relationship, you say these really cute, sweet things to each other." "Right." "Every time I'm in a relationship," "I always wind up saying things like," ""What are you picking?"" "So, Carol, do you find that when you're in a relationship, you tend to sabotage yourself?" "I don't know." "I have very high standards, y'know?" "A lot of women like the strong, silent type." "Not me." "What do you like?" "I like 'em weak and chatty." "Well, you were married not so long ago." "Can we talk about that?" "Well, I was married." "I was married for four years." "Y'know, at least I got divorced." "You know what cracks me up are those people who have their marriages annulled?" "That's supposed to mean the marriage never existed?" "Boy, talk about denial." "What do you say to people when they see your wedding album?" ""Oh, that was just some play I was in."" "Check me out, Todd." "You got two copies of the same movie there, Ben." "Right..." ""Kramer vs. Kramer."" "I got two because I'm going to watch it twice." "It's a mistake, right?" "You don't want both these, right?" "No, I said I'm gonna watch 'em twice, so that's why I got two." "What's the problem?" "Why are you getting such sad movies?" "Two sad movies?" "I think sometimes people are in the mood to watch a film about family falling apart." "Don't make me do this dance with you." "What specifically is bothering you?" "Well, y'know, my dad..." "You don't want to hear." "I sure do!" "Well, it's depressing and I assume you don't want to hear it." "No, I want to hear it more than ever." "Well, y'know, my dad's been on like..." "Now he's seeing someone." "Uh-huh." "Well, you know that my mom left my family a long time ago." "Yeah, right, whatever." "Yeah, thanks for the support..." "And then recently over the last couple of weeks, my dad's been seeing this woman pretty seriously, and I..." "Uh-huh." "I'm starting to get the signals that it's gonna end in something awful, like marriage." "You think they're getting married?" "Well, I mean..." "Oh my god, that's great!" "No, that's not great." "Y'know, if he marries another woman, then she's, you know, like it's a whole new family." "I gotta get to know her..." "Nah, you don't have to get to know her." "I have to do the obligatory, one year of hating her." "I think you gotta think of your dad's point of view." "Y'know..." "He's getting a little older, he probably, y'know, he wants to rush things a little bit, and so..." "Yeah, that's my point..." "He's making a mistake." "Don't you want him to be happy, though?" "Don't you want your father to be happy?" "No, I like him like he is." "What about you?" "You must know what I'm talking about." "You're obviously from a broken home." "I'm not, actually." "My parents have been married 25 years..." "Happily married 25 years." "You're kidding!" "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "You see your parents a lot?" "Yeah!" "Like, how often?" "Saw 'em..." "Four years ago." "Well, I would assume that if you loved your family that much, you'd see them more than every four years." "It's because I love them that I only see them every four years." "Well, it sounds like there's a problem there." "Hey, I'm not the one renting "Kramer vs. Kramer" twice." "Well, you know, I need help now, not hurt, Todd, so..." "Put one copy of this back, then." "Ahhh-choo, oh god, I'm sorry, I sneezed on you." "Jesus, will you wipe it up?" "'Cause I had a peanut, I had just eaten peanuts." "You gotta learn how to eat your food, man." "Oh my god." "Todd, I'm sorry." "I've never done that to another man." "So anyway, what was I saying?" "Maybe I just better go." "Hello, Mr. Meaney." "Hello, Laura, back again for a check-up." "Great, well, it's nice to see you." "Is it really?" "Hmmm..." "Well, you should say that it is good to see me." "Y'know, when you come into this office for two, three, four, five years." "I don't know how long I've been coming here." "Nine years." "Really?" "Mm-hmm." "Could you take a seat, please." "No, I'll stand, thank you." "And I'll pace." "I'll stand and pace, pace and stand." "Stand and pace, pace and stand 'til Dr. Katz calls my name..." " Kevin?" " Arrrhhhh!" "How is married life, Kevin?" "It's good..." "Marriage is good." "Marianne really makes me feel good." "So your wife is in what trimester?" "I don't know..." "She doesn't tell me anything." "Well, how did you find out she was pregnant?" "Y'know, it's just instinct, I guess." "Y'know, I come home and cook dinner for her and the next thing you know she comes in and..." "She's eating everything in the house." "That's why I think she, y'know, might be with child." "Did you ask her?" "No!" "Well, it strikes me as odd, Kevin, that you just wouldn't ask her outright if she's pregnant." "Maybe I should call her on the phone and..." "But why didn't she tell me if she was?" "Isn't that her responsibility?" "To tell me?" "Maybe she's afraid that you would have..." "That you would react badly." "Why would I react badly?" "!" "That's, that's what I mean." "I'd be excited!" "Here's what I'd like you to do..." "Before next week." "Talk to her about her pregnancy." "Just ask her outright." "Say what?" "Is it Anna?" "No, it's Marianne." "Okay, I'm sorry, don't say "Anna" then." "Say "Marianne, are you in fact pregnant?"" ""Marianne, are you in fact pregnant?"" "No, but use your own words." "Right." "Marianne, are you in fact pregnant?" "And try to let her know that this is not... that this is good news for you." "Yes!" "Okay, I'll be, is it "Anna"?" "Marianne!" "I'll be Marianne and you ask me the question." "Marianne, am I supposed to be Marianne?" "No, no..." "Marianne, I'm Marianne!" "No, no, I'm Marianne." "I am Marianne." "No, I'm..." "I am, I..." "Stop it, stop it!" "You're snoring, stop it!" "Now I'm Marianne!" "Okay." "Ask me now!" "Um, Marianne..." "Yes!" "That's great, honey!" "Dr. Katz's office." "Oh, Laura, what a day." "Mm-hmm." "Y'know I was making up the list for the wedding and of course, you're on it... plus one." "Of course, when he gets married" "I just want to make sure that everything is set and there's no one else to plan it." "I mean, the only other person who enjoyed planning weddings was my mom, and obviously she wouldn't want to plan it." "Hmmm." "Anyway, I was just hoping to get married before my father got married," "I guess I'm old-fashioned that way." "But, so what do you think, are you ever gonna get married?" "I mean, you're getting to the point where maybe..." "I don't know, maybe, if the right guy comes along." "Laura, you gotta get out of your dream world and stop believing in this fantasy that some white knight is going to ride up on his white horse and tap you with his white hand with a white glove on it" "and take you to white, to Whiteville." "I mean, you're not getting any younger, Laura, and it's getting to the point where..." "Alright!" "You better take what you can get." "So will you marry me?" "No!" "Double wedding!" "Me, you, my dad, the doctor, makes sense!" "Laura?" "So what did I miss?" "Where were you?" "I had to bring some..." "Glasses up." "You missed all the lower intestine talk." "Oh, I'm really glad about that." "No, I was telling Stanley that" "I've gone out with this woman three times now and we've sort of reached an impasse." "A blockage, as 'twer." "No, no..." "No, an impasse." "About what, an emotional impasse?" "Emotional impasse, but she, y'know, she writes extensively about, about... she's a gastroenterologist." "There's no pretty way to say that." "Y'know, I'm not even really sure what kind of doctor that is?" "I'll give you a hint." "Nnnnooo." "She deals with any kind of digestive issue." "Uh-huh." "Y'know, she's very charming and attractive and..." "Well, sounds good." "Well, here's the thing..." "I'm not sure that it's a relationship that I'm excited about pursuing." "Hmm." "It's awkward for a man to be..." "She's coming on very strong to me." "She is." "Like what?" "Like how?" "Like, like, like..." "Well, I think she is." "I have to say, I'm not a hundred percent sure that I'm the expert on how to read these signals." "Y'know, I think she was putting the moves on me last night." "So...?" "Which moves?" "We had a couple of drinks..." " Yeah?" " Uh-huh." "I was feeling particularly vulnerable." "Yah, yah..." "She asked me to come back up to her place..." " Yeah?" " Yeah?" "And then she said..." "These are the words that I was dreading..." "She said, "Let me put on something slinky."" "And?" "She put on a slinky!" "Stop!" "And 45 minutes later I'm sitting in there, waiting for her to come back." "No, no, she came back." "This is, this is where I think it went wrong." "She said to me, "I want you."" " Mm-hmm." " Wow." "And I said, "Finish your thought."" "Dr. Katz, this box came for you." "It's from Dr. Webber." "Wow, that's..." "Oh, look, it's her latest book!" ""Dear Jonathan, thank you for a lovely evening." "I hope you enjoy this read." "Some people think it's bathroom reading." "Fondly, Alice Webber."" "Hey, this is really sweet." "Y'know, I think this is..." "She's very attractive." "Y'know, being an attractive person is much more than what you look like." "Right." "Hey, can you do me a favor?" "Can you call Dr. Webber and tell her that tonight's not gonna work out for me, that we'll do it again real soon?" "You want me to call her?" "Would you?" "..." "Because otherwise she'll talk me into it and I really don't want to..." "I don't think I could sit through another meal with this woman." "Dr. Katz, are you asking me to break up with her for you?" "Wouldja?" "Yeah!" "I just think movies today are just, too violent." "It's scary, I mean, I took an 8-year-old to see Godzilla and he cried through the whole thing!" "Although it could have been because he didn't know who I was." "Do you still want to have kids, Carol?" "I would like to have a baby, but I am afraid of the pain of childbirth." "Mm-hmm." "And other women who've been through labor, they're like a bizarre cult." "They can never really tell you what the pain is like." "Yeah." "Y'know, I'll ask them, "So is it like, really, really, really bad cramps?"" "And they just go..." ""Oh no, grasshopper."" "I feel good about myself." "I've been working out, y'know, that's good." "Mm-hmm." "I lost... 40 pounds." "You look, you look great." "I gained it all back, but I did lose the 40 pounds." "Well, you know, you go through these cycles, Kevin." "I'm not miserable, I'm just, just a lot of anxiety!" "Mm-hmm." "It's good to let it out..." "Sometimes!" "Ahhhhhh!" "Whoops!" "You know what the music means, Kevin." "Ah... oh god." "Our time is up." "Well, dad, I'm shocked to hear that it didn't work out with you." "Well, you know, what happened?" "How did it..." "Y'know, there is something very exciting about, about a new relationship with someone." "The prospect of being intimate with somebody for the first time is exciting." "That's the illness." "But y'know, it played itself out very quickly." "That's a surprise..." "Who do you blame for the, for the..." "I gotta blame this one on you." "No, no." "I certainly didn't provide you the support." "Maybe I overreacted." "Well, I think that you were afraid that maybe I was going to re-marry, which is something that I don't even consider." "Do you think someday you'll get married, Ben?" "Hmmm." "Because I actually think you are the marrying type." "I think you'd make a great husband, a great dad." "Yeah, I just don't think I would be well-suited." "I mean, think about it, the same person, day in day out, sitting across the table from you." "Every stupid thing he says, every boring story he tells." "How come you keep saying "He, he, he"?" "You're talking about me..." "Oh my god, I'm sick of the way you talk." "And the way you eat." "Like you eat out of the corner of your mouth." "And here's another thing that bothers me..." "Why do you throw away the cream when it's half-done?" "Because if you don't throw it away it'll turn, it'll go sour." "It doesn't get bad after one day." "We should get counseling, Ben, this is so petty." "That's typical of you to say that..." ""We should get counseling"." "So smug." "I'm not being smug." "I'm trying to salvage what's left of this marriage." "Why don't you just go to work and I'll clean up?" "Okay, Ben, I'll see you later, then." "What time you gonna be home?" "I'll be home the usual time." "Well, don't be late, and..." "Do I get a kiss on the cheek or what?" "Yes, you do, come here!" "Ow, that tickled." "Why do you do that?"