"[Jet Engine Roaring ]" "Thanks, Lieutenant." "Keep him on the penicillin." "Same dosage." "Hey, I got good news foryou, Corporal." " You're going home." " Tell me the truth, Doc." "How's my leg?" "It's going home with you." "Listen up, folks." "I've got the best news possible short ofa truce." "The negotiators have finally reached an agreement." "There's gonna be potato salad and not coleslaw with their lunch." "Better some of our infanty boys just liberated a chicken farm on the Imjin." "Oh, I don't know." "Maybe those chickens enjoyed the communist way oflife." " Pierce, will you let the man talk?" " All right." "It's okay, Margaret." "Let him rant." "He'll just end up with egg on his face instead ofin his mouth..." "like the rest of us." "Eggs?" "In Korea?" "Impossible." " Korean chickens only lay powder." " Pierce, shut up already." " Talk, sir." " Thankyou, Major." "It seems the farmer is so grateful, he's donating... an entire day's egg production to all the g.I.'s in the area." " [ Cheering ]" " Does that include us?" "Yup." "Tomorrow, at a special Sunday brunch, officers, enlisted men and wounded... will get fresh eggs." " [Cheering]" " Eggs?" "Real eggs?" "Un-powdered, un-simulated, un-fabricated, unadulterated, un-army eggs?" " Unbelievable." " Factoy fresh." "Paint isn't dy on the shells yet." "The last fresh egg I had was over a year ago  and that was in a shampoo." " I'll take 50 over-easy." "Sory, Pierce." "Two's the limit." "Violators will be shot." "[ Stammering ]" "[ Chattering]" "You know how I like mine?" "Fried up... so theyoke is a glowing yellow jewel in the shimmering alabasterwhite." "You'd better haveyour eggs with a cold shower." "There is nothing to compare with eggs... delicately poached on toast, bronzed to perfection... side-by-side with precisely sautéed kippers." "The best eggs I remember was when I was an intern." "I'd been on duty all night with this fantastic nurse." "What a figure." "Extra Large. grade "A."" "She invited me up to her place for breakfast." "As soon as we got there, she put on two three-minute eggs." "Four hours later, we ate them." "Well, I have rounds to make." "I will leaveyou desperate gentlemen alone with your fantasies." "Charles, my fantasies are seldom alone." "[ Mutters ]" " [ Indistinct ] - [B.J.] You know, I was thinkin'... maybe, ifwe're lucky, this raid on the Imejin will start a trend." "Today, a poulty farm." "Tomorrow, a liquor store." "Can you pass me the sugar please?" " Excuse me." " Are you talkin' to me?" "Yeah." "Would you please pass the sugar?" "I know howyou feel." "The food's inedible, butyou need it to live." "It's an interesting dilemma." "Ifyou could stay around till tomorrow, you're in for a big treat." " Fresh eggs." " great." "I'm Pierce and he's Hunnicutt." "We're drinkers by trade." "We only got our MD.'s so we could operate on each other's livers." " What's your name?" " gillis." "Nick gillis." "Now would you just please leave me alone?" "Sometimes for dessert we go back to our tent and forget dinner." "With a good drink." "You wanna join us?" " Yeah." " Only ifyou don't hold us to the "good" part." "Come on." "[ Coughs ] Boy, I never tasted stuffthis strong before." "We forge our own prescriptions." "So, how long you guys been over here?" "Oh, let's see, 1 5th of next month, it'll be forever." " How 'bout you?" "Just a little over a year now." " You guys married?" " No, it's just that we've been through so much together..." " that we look that way." " [ Laughs ]" "I am." "I got a little girl back in California." "Some day I'm hoping to be introduced to her." "Areyou okay, Nick?" "[ Sighs ] I'm from Idaho... and there's this guy back in Boise" "I, uh,just got a letter from him the day beforeyesterday... uh" "[ Sobbing ] congratulating me... on the baby mywife just had." "I know what it's like to be away from home." "Evey time I get a letter from Peg telling me something Erin's doing..." " I'm ready to climb the walls." " Look!" "Aren'tyou listening to me?" "I just told ya, I been here over a year!" "The babywas born three weeks ago." "[ Sucks Teeth, Moans ]" "I'm..." " sory." " That's rough." "I mean, all this time she's been writing me, gloria's never mentioned a word about it." "You know?" "Just a lot ofstuffabout theweather and who's doin' what." "Who's doin' what- Boy, isn't that a laugh, huh?" "Uh, does your unit know whereyou are?" "I thoughtyou said this was supposed to be a friendly drink." " No.Just between us." " Yeah, butyou guys are officers." "Doctors not soldiers." "All right." "[ Sighs ]" "[ Sighing ] I've been AWOL sinceyesterday." "Haveyou talked to anybody about this?" "Well, I was gonna talk to the chaplain... but I just decided I wanna get the hell out ofthere and go home." "Okay, well, now thatyou're out, maybeyou ought to talk to our chaplain." " Father Mulcahy." " Ifanybody can find a way to getyou home..." " it's him." " Yeah." "I guess that wouldn't be such a bad idea." "I'm sure he'd be glad to seeyou right now." "No." "Yeah, well- Tomorrow would be soon enough." "Come on." "[DoorCloses ]" " gently. gently." " [ Chattering ]" "To accompany my poached eggs, Pernelli, I want these kippers delicately sautéed." "I never learned that." "At army cook school... sautéed was for guys on scholarship." " [ Overlapping Chatter]" " Hold it." "Hold it." " You're making me nervous!" " Remember..." "I want these eggs boiled exactly three minutes and 1 5 seconds." "I'll throw a stopwatch in the pot." "Hey, Sal!" "Sal!" "Can you make me a cheese omelet?" "Sure thing." "I'll sauté it for three minutes and 1 5 seconds." " Oh, great." "Here's the cheese." " [ groans ]" "What is that odoriferous fungal mass?" " Lebanese goat cheese." " It's worse than I thought." " I've been ripening it in a damp, dark place." " Your boots?" " [ Overlapping Chatter]" " That does it!" "I'm not standing around here cooking eggs from now till V.K. Day." "Oh, come on, Sal." "Ifl don't eat this cheese before tomorrow..." " I'll be killing a living thing." " Eveybody gets scrambled..." " no special orders." " Scrambled?" " [ All Yelling ]" " Scrambled!" "Scrambled!" "I'll just take three eggs, ifthat's all right." " I'll just take" " Here's the added fixing's for myWestern omelet." "Mildred clipped this recipe right out ofArgosy." " Well, sure." " Sure?" " [ Yelling ]" "Hold it!" "What can I say?" " I've been outranked by bologna." " [ Woman groans ]" "Beej!" "They're here!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "They're here!" " Tell them to go away." "I'm sleeping." " No, the eggs." " The eggs!" "I saw them." " Hmm?" "They're in the kitchen lined up as far as the mouth can water." " I touched them." " I'm happy for both ofyou." "Wait a minute." "What areyou doin'?" "get up." "It's brunch day." "I know." "I know." ""Brunch" means later." "Today is gonna be my Sunday back home." "I get to sleep late, lie around for an hour or so... then have a delicious real egg meal, then take a nap." " Boy, some fun you are." " [ groans ]" "You sleep." "I'm gonna go to the kitchen and see ifl can lick the shells." " You lick." "I'll sleep." " [ groans ]" "Boy, those drinks really put my lights out." "We use nothing but the finest embalming ingredients available." "Listen, we talked to the chaplain last night." " Hewants to seeya afterthis morning's services." " Oh, you have services here?" "Evey Sunday and before Salisbuy steak." " Oh, when?" " In about 1 0 minutes." "great." "I'd like to go." "Well, it shouldn't be any problem." "There are always seats available." "good." "Maybe me and the priest can work this thing out." "If not, then I'll be on myway." "Hey, hey." "Uh, you guys will be goin' to the services too, won'tya?" "Oh!" "Wouldn't miss it." "Yeah." "Wouldn't miss it." " Wait." "Hey, Beej!" " Hmm?" " good thing I wokeyou." " Wh-Why?" "You almost slept through the services." "So, I thinkwe can draw the conclusion... from our allegorical stoy ofthe one-legged man... and the wheelbarrow... that no matterhow diff.icult it might be... to manage life's uphill struggles... no matter how steep the climb... the rewards for which we are all destined... will make the arduous journey... worthwhi le." " Amen." " Amen." " Now, then, I haveejust a few announcements." " Don't wory." " He's much better in person." " The missing middle reel... from last week's Samson and Delilah has just arrived... with the second and fourth reels ofthis week's movie, Mr. Belvedere Goes To College... starring the always fastidious, and equally amusing, Clifton Webb." "These reels wi I I be shown i n as coherent an order as possi ble..." " tomorrow at 2 000 hours." " [ Door Opens ]" "Thus creating the movie hit Samson and Mr. Belvedere Go To Delilah." "Also, forfuture R  R's in Tokyo..." "I've prepared a list ofchurches off.ering round-the-clock... confessional facilities- most, I'm told, are bathhouse close." "Amen." "After you, gi I I is." " Those ofyou wishing to learn more about the Bible" " How'd you know where to fi nd me?" " Did they call you?" " You're not the first man to go AWOL." "I drew a straight line between our sector and Seoul... and followed it right into this mess tent." "Now, you and I are gonna follow it back." " No." " Shh!" "Tut-tut." "Now, we will conclude this morning's service... with the usual singing ofthe doxology." "Ifyou'll all please rise." " [Clears Throat] - [ All Singing ] # Praise god #" "# From whom all blessings flow #" " # Praise- #" " Now, gillis." " Hey, hey, hey!" " Hey!" "Is there a problem?" " # Below #" "It's nothing I can't handle." "This man's not where he's supposed to be." " Well, who of us is?" "Just a minute here!" "Lieutenant, would you be so kind as to explain whyyou have disrupted my service?" "Father, this man is AWOL from my platoon, and my C.O. wants him returned immediately." " Is that right, son?" " I've got to get home, sir." " He's got a pretty good reason, Colonel." " Maybe so, Pierce... but that's none of our business." "Private, you'd better go back and run the iron over this with your C.O...." " before you get in any more trouble." " No, I won't." "You move your butt, or the M.P '. s will drag it out ofhere." " Take it easy." " The kid's just a little mixed-up." "Just a minute." "This is a place ofworship." " Tell him, Father." "I'm tying to make this peaceful." " You better go along, son." " I'm not goin' anywhere and you can't touch me." " The hell I can't." " Didn'tya hear the chaplain?" "This is a church." "Church?" "It's a chow hall!" " Sergeant!" " Hey, w-w-wait a minute." "I got a right to, uh- to, uh" " I got a right to something, Father." "Wha" " Sanctuay?" "Yeah!" "That's it!" "Sanctuay!" "That's it." "Sanctuay." "I've got a right to Sanctuay." "Don't hand me that." "Sergeant!" "Just a minute, Sergeant." "Colonel, they-they can't do this." "I'm sory, Padre, but I think the lieutenant's right." "Colonel, I realize I have no militay authority... nevertheless, as a man ofgod, I believe there's... a religious principle here which takes precedence." "This is a place ofworship- be it a cathedral or a mess hall." "Ifthe boy chooses to take refuge here, then I must grant it to him." "[ Sighs ]" "Priest orno priest, you can't let him get awaywith this." "Can't say I agree." "Sanctuay is the padre's bailiwick." "Well, that concludes our services this morning." "See you next Sunday." " Father, what's going on?" " Eveything will be straightened out." " Nothing to wory about." " Love the wheelbarrow stoy, Father." " How'd he do it?" " Perseverance, my son." "Perseverance." "That private is mine, Colonel... and unless you've got a manual that says this mess tent isn't a mess tent..." " I'm taking him with me." " Lieutenant... there's a legal hair to be split here." "I don't thinkyou or I are qualified to make any decisions." " Then who is?" " I'm gonna call theJudge Advocate general's office... and see iftheir legal beagles can't give us an answer." "In the meanwhile, eveybodyjust sits tight." "You want a phone call, you're the colonel." "We'll be right outside." "It's good we got lawyers and judges that keep this war on the up-and-up." "You boys knew gillis was AWOL last night." "I don't like getting bad news late." "Now, Colonel, that's not exactly the way" "Save it for the roses, Hunnicutt." "Admit it." "You assumed that ifyours truly knew about that boy's situation..." "I'd do something foolish- like what's supposed to be done." "Well, I guess we did figure whatyou didn't know wouldn't hurt him." "How am I gonna teach you two vigilantes to take those captains bars seriously?" "Ifl busted ya to privates, you'd think ofit as a promotion." "I'm sory, Colonel, and I'm sure future Private Pierce feels the same." "I'm gonna go to my office and call theJA.g.... and you boys are going somewhere too- anywhere but here." "Oh, thankyou, Derek." "I'll seeyou next Sunday." "goldman, what areyou doing?" "We're getting this place ready for the brunch." "Real eggs, Father." "Leave eveything exactly the way it is." " But, Father, real eggs." " goldman." "Well, Private, as long as we're going to be spending some time together... why don't we get acquainted?" "I'm Father Mulcahy." "Aha!" "Margaret, come here." "Allow the delicate fragrance offying kippers..." " to embraceyour olfactoy organ." " Leave my organs out ofthis." "And do something about that awful stench!" "The tragedy of a palate that's had only an elementay education." "How am I supposed to soft-boil eggs ifthe waterwon't boil?" "I'm a surgeon, I'm not a Hindu philosopher." " What gives?" " MajorWinchester tells me... you won't prepare our eggs to order, so we're stepping in." "Whatyou're stepping in is my kitchen." "Step out!" "Listen, you crowned prince of Ptomainia." "I outrankyou by five promotions and at least 80 I.Q points." "Smart people don't scare me." "Now, will you kindly takeyour I.Q" "[ Sniffs ] What stinks?" "A question you should never ask when in the vicinity ofyourself." " Hey, that's burnin'!" " Ooh!" "No!" "Oh, no!" "No, no." "Don't!" "[ Screams ] Imbecile!" "How dareyou pourwater on imported Norwegian kippers!" " It won't hurt 'em." "They're fish, ain't they?" " [ Whimpers ]" "Now, you can see why I have to get home, can'tya, Father?" "Huh?" "I can see why you're upset- but going AWOL?" "Why doyou keep tellin' me what I'm doin' is wrong?" "What about what she did?" "Nick, there's no doubt that what gloria did was wrong." " Sometimes when people are lonely, they" " Lonely?" "She'd better have a better answer than that." "I'm lonely." "I know." "Perhaps, I could arrange an emergency leave foryou." " Perhaps?" " Nick!" "There are certain realities here." "Now, being AWOL is bad enough, but in 30 days, AWOL becomes desertion." "Don't ty to scare me." "Ifyou wanna help me, you'll get me home." "[DoorSlams Closed]" "Come with me." "You boys stay right there." "You're not gonna let them come in here, areya, Father?" "No, not in here." "Bad news, Padre." "The JA.g. says "no" to sanctuay." " Sory, son." " Well, Private, I guess services are over." " I'm not going back!" " You don't have to." "I'm afraid I can't accept theJudge Advocate general's decision." "I don't see where you have any choice, Padre." "The fella I talked to is a crackerejack militarylawyer." "Colonel, I don't feel bound by militay law in this matter... but, rather, by sacred principles." "The only person I'd answer to is the command chaplain at "I" Corps." "Until I hear from him to the contray..." "Private gillis will remain in sanctuay here." "Colonel, this is a crock." "Areyou gonna let this mess-tent monk run your camp?" "Watch your mouth, Lieutenant." "I've known this man long enough to give him... the benefit ofa couple hundred doubts." "He's not about to take a stand unless he feels it pretty deep." "So, let's make a call to the command chaplain." "You're makin' it tough for me, gillis, but nothin' like I'm gonna make it foryou." " Anything newwith gillis, Colonel?" " Notyet." " Hey, Colonel, when's the brunch?" " We want our eggs!" "[ Man ] What's goin' on here?" "What's happening?" "That kid's in bad enough shape already." "The last thing we need is a bunch ofangy rubberneckers... closing in on an angy kid, so I'm putting you two in charge of crowd control." " [ Overlapping Shouting ]" " Hey, hey, hey!" " Take it easy on me." "I'm a veteran." " Folks, Father Mulcahy... needs the Mess Tent for a little while." " When he's done, they'll start cookin' the eggs." " If nobody's cooking eggs..." " then what's that I smell?" " [ All Shouting ]" " It does smell like eggs." " As far as we know, that is an unauthorized smell." " [ All groaning ] - [Man ] Ridiculous." "Now, look, look." "There's an infantyman in there who's had a rough time." "Father Mulcahy's tying' to talk him through it." "Things are tough all over, Doc." " We got promised eggs, we're gonna get 'em." " [ All ] Yeah!" "[ Shouting Continues ]" "I'll go check this out." "I'm leaving you Captain Hunnicutt as a hostage." "I'm sure there's a vey simple explanation to all ofthis." " Stall 'em, big guy." " What's thestory?" "Come on!" "Okay, so... how many ofyou are from out oftown?" " [ Chattering ]" " Ridiculous." " Pernelli, what areyou cooking?" " Venison." "We're not ready for the eggs yet." "Not ready?" "What doyou want, hors d'oeuvres?" " [All Chanting] We want eggs!" " I don't make dips." " Who told you to cook the eggs now?" " Correct me if I'm wrong... brunch comes between breakfast and lunch" "Hence, the name." "Hey!" "Hury up, will ya?" "These people eitherwant eggs or answers." " Do I serve them or do I not?" " No, notyet." "[Man ] What areyou doin', hogging'them foryourself?" "[All] Yeah!" "Come on!" "Don't go anywhere." "J ust sit on those eggs for awhile." "What am I, a chicken?" " What's goin' on?" " [ Loud Chatter]" "I've been thinkin', it isn't often we all get a chance to get together... so, we ought to take advantage ofit." " Anybody got any gripes?" " [ All Shouting ]" "Now we'll get some answers." "Hawk, I thinkyou ought to know, we're going to die." "Never say "die." and, certainly, never say "we."" "Uh, hey, eveybody, I got great news foryou." "[ Loud Chattering ]" " What's he talking about?" " What's going on here, Pierce?" "I'm glad you asked, because I was just about to announce... we're not going to have an ordinay eggs brunch." "Fresh eggs call for fresh air." "We're gonna have a picnic!" "A picnic!" "Areyou crazy?" "In this dust bowl?" " We can't get an ant to show up." " You tell 'em." "Hey-ho, eveybody!" "go getyour mess kits and report right back here on the double." "We're dining in the great Outdoors!" "I must say, that sounds rather appealing." " Eggs al fresco." " A picnic sounds sexywhen you say it in French." " That's Italian." " That's even better." "Excusing your pardons, Captains." " You two want a picnic?" "Fine." " Yeah." " You serve it." " What?" " I don't deliver." " Oh." "Surely,you must realize, Nick, that even ifthe command chaplain supports us... you can't stay here forever." "Stop pushing' me, Father." "I 'm not goin' back." "The consequences ofyour actions will affect the rest ofyour life." "What do I care about the rest of my life?" "It's not worth anything now." "No human life is worthless- especially a young man likeyourself... with so much ofit left to live!" "The person I planned to live it with has stuck a knife in me." "Don'tyou understand that?" "He says that since this is not a permanent structure... the Mess Tent cannot be considered a church." "I'm afraid it this case, two strikes is out." "But this is as permanent a structure as we have." " god doesn't issue building permits." " Sory, Padre." "So am I. I'm not going to let them take this boy." "Father, you're tyin' to play one too many cards." "Take him out ofthere." " [ gunshot ] - [ Screaming ]" " [Man ] Everybodyget down!" " Move away, Father." " I'm getting out ofhere." " How dare you?" "You seek refuge in this house, the Lord, when it serves your purpose." "Then, when it's no longer convenient... you desecrate it by pointing a deadly weapon at another human being." "Private, a faith of convenience is a hollow faith." "I'm warning you, Father." "I'm goin'." " give me the gun." " No!" "Stay away from me." "Just stay away." " I wantyou to hand me that rifle." " No!" " [ Breathing Rapidly]" "[ Sobs ] Oh, I'm sory, Father." "I'm sory." " [ Sobbing ] I'm sory." " I know." "I know." "[ Sobbing ]" "I gotta hand it toyou, Father." "You've got ice water in yourveins." "I may have appeared calm on the outside, Captain... but I can assureyou, my stomach was quaking in its boots." "great news, boys. gillis isn't goin' right back to his unit." "TheJA.g. has approved a stop-offat the evac hospital." " Sidney Freedman's gonna give him a look-see." " good." "He's got the best couch in Korea." "It's comforting to know he's going to be treated... as a casualty rather than a criminal." " You said it." " You know, this omelet isn't bad." "Though with all the bologna and onion and cheese, it's difficult to taste the eggs." "It's better that way, Father." "They're powdered."