"Welcome to the season finale of Strangers in a Penthouse." "Once there were ten, but now only Lexi and Tyler are left." "Who will win the penthouse?" "The competition is fierce." "It's not about the competition," "Tyler and I are in love!" "Therearen'tanylosers in the game of love." "Lexi and I are gonna be together forever." "We're going to live together in the penthouse and make babies." "We're live right now with America's favorite strangers," "Tyler, and Lexi." "You must feel like a king because you are a queen." "I'm gonna tell you, you know, you got the" "Okay, so, there's only gonna be one stranger that's gonna get this beautiful penthouse." "You dig?" "Are you ready?" "Lexi and Tyler, I will tell you now who the winner is of this great penthouse..." "You gotta be fucking kidding me, man." "Congratulations, Tyler." "How does it feel to win the penthouse?" "I don't know what to say." "I'd like to thank my fans and Lexi." "Hey, baby!" "Congratulations." "Sorry, I can't make it to the party tonight. I'm feeling a little, uh, a tickle in my throat." "But I love you and I can't wait to start my life with you tomorrow." "Youshouldget an agent now." "Actually, I have an agent." "That guy's a dick." "You need to come with us." "(Tyler) Your fly's open." "Are you that reporter from Channel 5?" "Yes, I am." "Hi!" "It'sme again!" "Calling to tell you that I love you and I was thinking about you." "Call me when you get this." "Bye." "Kieran!" "Are you coming over?" "No, no. I'm at that, that thing for Tyler." "It's, it's a pretty great party, if you" "Uh, uh" "No?" "No, I'm brushing my cat." "Okay." "Yeah, no, I , I totally understand." "That's, that's important, too." "I love you." "I love you so much." "I love you like a motherfucker." "I love you so much like a motherfucker." "Who are you talking to?" "My agent." "Comeon!" "We 'rejustgonna go to my room." "Come on." "You're fucking lrish, dammit." "You don't fucking pass out." "Heath, did you hear that this means sex and this means lesbian sex?" "No, I didn't." "What are you doing?" "Darling with a situation!" "She's just resting!" "She overdosed on me." "Let's go see Kieran." "I don't fucking care." "She's sleeping." "She's sleeping." "Thing's caught in her hair." "You'll wake her up now." "I've been trying to wake her up for a fucking hour." "Ijustdon'tget it." "Why  is Bambi only a stripper's name?" "I mean, originally, Bambi was a badass boy deer's name." "I want a name like fucking kid Bambi, I can't see why I can't." "How is Bambi a badass?" "Bambi was a badass, dude." "How have you been, man?" "I've been great." "Wow!" "Yeah?" "Huh?" "What did I tell ya?" "It's amazing." "Uh, are you still with, uh..." "Erica." "Erica!" "Yeah." "Dude." "Wegotthischick,fuckinghot, with big tits, tanned, smooth, smooth." "Andshe'lllickyourballs,man." "First date." "First date." "I'm, I , Erica and I are still together." "You sure?" "Yes." "But she'll lick your balls." "Yousaidyou'dbreakup with her, didn't he?" "Yeah." "I tried." "Bullshit." "Bullshit." "You know what?" "Tonight, forget it." "Forget it." "Look at this." "Huh?" "WhatdidItellyou guys in high school?" "I'm gonna be famous, I'm gonna make it." "Did I not?" "You did." "Guess who has a surprise for the boys?" "Can we, uh, can we slow down, you think?" "Moving into that penthouse is just a way of avoiding your potential." "There's no way you can excel in your life if you live with Heath and Tyler." "I'll be able to focus on my writing." "I won't be sweating a rent every month." "How are you hiking in those boots?" "I'm sure there won't be any coarse slutty drunken chick parties either." "You make it sound like I'm moving in with Hugh Hefner." "I make it sound like you're moving in with Tyler." "You're being-- l want my boyfriend to focus on his future, not recapturing his past." "You'll be in a condescential lost cause." "That is not a word." "Yes it is!" "You can't make up" " English" "Can you please slow down?" "If you can't keep up with me now, how will you keep up with me in 50 years?" "50 years?" "What?" "You just said" "No." "You said l" "Are you-- l'm thinking-- What I'm trying to say" "That we should get out of here before the coyotes come?" "No, I'm not" " There are no coyotes here." "That's crazy." "I'm trying to" " Listen." "Maybe we should take a couple of steps back." "What the fuck does that mean?" "Okay." "It means I'm" "I'm just thinking maybe we-- l'm trying" "Fuck." "Okay." "Oh." "Oh." "So?" "How was our time apart?" "Hey, Lexi!" "Kieran, hey!" "God there was something I wanted to tell you." "What was it?" "Oh, yeah!" "Go fuck yourself!" "Hey, I , uh, ran into Lexi in the hall." "Yeah, she seems to be having trouble revising our moving situation." "Bros before hoes." "She'll come around." "What?" "Wait." "You didn't tell her that we were moving in?" "Ugh!" "This place is pretty sweet, right?" "It's perfect." "Honest, Tyler." "I don't know what to say." "Fuck you, man." "Don't say nothing." "What kind of schmuck doesn't take care of his boys?" "This is gonna be like old times!" "This DJ fucking sucks." "Come on." "Hang in there." "There's two on yours and I'm getting his shit." "I'll be back." "Dude!" "Bro!" "What the shit, man!" "Long time no see, bro!" "This place is awesome!" "Oh..." "Who's that?" "That's uh, Tyler's sister." "Oh." "That's tough to look at, bro." "So anyway, I heard you made it, man." "I heard you had that story published about that gopher." "Yeah." "Well, it really wasn't about a gopher." "That's crazy, man." "It's more like adventure" "That's crazy." "Yeah." "Writing music reviews for Rolling Stone?" "That is cool, man." "Yo man, see that guy over there?" "I fucking pissed in his Seven Up." "I pissed in his fucking Seven Up." "Anyway, dude. I gotta go, man." "Alright." "Go for it." "Oh!" "I got it." "You okay?" "You got it." "Call me, alright?" "You got it." "Hey..." "Yeah." "No,they're, uh, having a party." "Hold on." "I mean, a doctor." "Wow." "So you must be like really smart." "Big brain." "Hey...sorry,Erica." "It 's,uh-- lt's a pretty crazy party." "What's going on?" "Ithinkit 'stimewemoved in together." "Listen, uh, I got to go make a quick diagnosis." " l'll see you guys in a little bit." " Okay." "Have a drink but don't drink too much." "You have nothing to say to that." "Nothing at all?" "No." "No." "No. I do." "I'm just" "Oh, my God." "Tyler, he just took the fire extinguisher and he's like spraying everything." "Let me call you right back, okay?" "What's up?" "Erica not taking the break up so well?" "No." "She's loving it, Heath." "Thanks." "Ah, there you are." "I knew you were gonna be a pussy and not drink with us today, so I need a big favor from you." "Okay?" "My sister is at this bar across the street from LAX." "Your sister?" "What's she doing here?" "She came to visit her famous brother." "You're sitting here worrying about that bitch." "You're depressing everybody." "Just go, get my sister, grab a drink and come back." "Okay?" "Go Go Go." "Iknow,I'msorry,Erica." "I just wanted a beer." "Um." "No, I was caught by surprise, you know?" "Yeah. I'm ready to move forward, too." "No, I can't come over right now." "I'm gonna pick up Tyler's little sister." "Relax." "She's like, she's totally awkward and boyish." "Yeah. l" "Oh, shit." "You know what?" "I gotta go." "Yeah." "Bye." "Hey!" "Trista!" "That'llbe13 dollars,sir ." "13-- l didn't even" " Okay." "Just" " Can you run that quickly?" "Debit of credit?" "Credit." ""Awkward and boyish." Not a very nice way to talk about someone." "Uh, I didn't really mean it." "She's-- lt's my best friend's kid sister and l-- l just haven't seen her in a long time." "Maybe she's changed, huh?" "Huh?" "Didn't really look like it." "Thank you very much." "Okay." "Thank you, too." "Well, gotta run." "Make the peace." "Do you?" "Maybe you could have your friend pick up the kid and you and I can get out of here?" "You don't know my friend." "Wait." "Wait." "What did you say?" "At the Downtown Standard." "Maybe, uh, order room service." "Are you" " What" "That's, uh" " That's interesting." "A bath could be involved." "You want to take a bath?" "You want to join me?" "You don't even know me." "Are you" "Hi, Kieran." "That, that sucked." "That was mean, that was just downright mean." ""Awkward and boyish?" Jeez, thanks a lot." "I'm sorry." "But you look great, by the way." "Thanks." "So do you." "Wow." "You've changed." "What's it like living with my brother?" "It's, uh, it's an adventure." "Hey, Heath." "Seen my brother?" "Uh, no." "He should be here somewhere." "Tyler." "Oh, I know that voice." "Ah, how's my little sister, my best friend." "How's my little sister?" "Sorry, I spilled some Champagne and shit from some girl." "Lovely, roses seem to agree with you." "Looking good, huh?" "What do you think of the place?" "Pretty nice, huh?" "Yeah." "Strangely familiar." "So is there a room for me?" "Of course there's room for you, my little sister." "I've got room for my sister." "Oh,hi." "Oh ,you'repretty." "She's pretty." "You want to play with me?" "Please, stop." "Oh, no, no, no." "You like it?" "It's slutty, right?" "We gotta go." "We parked in a construction zone." "Don't worry about it, I'll take care of it." "How?" "I'm a doctor." "So how's Mom and Dad?" "In a state of shock." "They caught a few episodes." "Like most of that didn't even happen, because they, like, edited and stuff." "So, they" " That's my friend, Glen." "Okay, uh-- l think your room's this way." "Let's make sure it's okay." "Wait here, okay?" "I'm gonna fix everything." "Alright?" "I'll be right back." "Hold on." "Fuck." "Fucking head's gonna explode." "What's another word for suicide inducingly boring?" "Erica?" "Hey, so, uh, you still reviewing Muzak?" "Yeah." "Unless you can pay me for my novel." "What's it about?" "Uh, that's, uh, that's always such a tough question." "It's a tough question because he hasn't fucking started it yet." "You're gonna wear out that finger, buddy." "Speaking of" " Did you hook up last night?" "I hooked up last night." "Yeah, I hooked up." "What about you?" "Or did they pass out on you again?" "No,I exhaustedmyselfmovingthe construction equipment upstairs." "I think they had fun with themselves." "Yeah?" "Aren't you sweet?" "What did I tell you?" "Pace, pace, pace." "Howaboutyou,Firstnight, single man, get a little--?" "He probably fucked your sister." "That's not funny." "Dude. l" " You know, l" "When you start a sentence with "dude" you say something stupid." "I tried." "To fuck his sister?" "Dude!" "That's not funny." "Yes, it is." "Seriously." "Whatever." "We should focus on Kieran, poor guy." "How are you feeling, buddy?" "Are things okay?" "You did break up with her, right?" "Well, yeah, I mean, I said that we should take a couple of steps back." "Yeah." "What the hell does that mean?" "It means he's stuck in a Paula Abdul song." "No. lt means that I'm just trying to let her down easy." "You cannot let a girl down easy." "Man, she doesn't care." "She's gonna dominate you, bro." "She doesn't give a shit about you, they only want to be better than other girls." "You got an exit strategy, pal?" "What is your exit strategy?" "Come on." "Well, I , I think we're going to move in together." "Jesus." "Let me get this straight." "She'll let you break up with her as long as you move in together?" "Yeah, if you put it like that, it sounds pretty stupid." "It sounds stupid either way." "No, it doesn't" "Yeah, it does." "It makes sense when she explains it." "Of course it does." "She doesn't hear the same rules of engagement as you, she's a fucking woman!" "I'm just going to punch you." "Are you kidding me?" "I'll punch you in the face." "Dude" "No." "Don't dude me." "Look, I just think I want to take a shot at this thing." "You moved in one day ago, bro!" "I know, but I feel this is a step forward for us." "So you're moving in together." "That's how you're breaking up with each other?" "What are you?" "Fucking retarded?" "I know we had this whole plan of moving in together and being single and that sounds really great in theory but I'm not gonna get any writing done." "If I don't buckle down with Erica, what's gonna happen?" "I might end up being alone and I want a life." "Yeah?" "You are one brainwashed son of a bitch!" "Look!" "This is a life!" "Thisisabeautiful, as seen on TV, life." "Just because you're 28 years old-- 30." "I'm 29." "I'm 29 years old." "Hey,guys." "What did I miss?" "It sounds deep." "Wewerejustdiscussing the appropriate conduct of a 21st century relationship." "Igotworktodo." "Pretty interesting." "I'm 29." "You know I'm 29." "Am I not 29?" "There was a mistake on my birth certificate." "Ask mom!" "Wow, So, uh" "Bloody Mary?" "I make them really spicy." "So, how's the writing?" "Great!" "Good." "Wow." "Yeah, no, it, it-- lt couldn't be, uh," "How are things with you?" "My wife just left me." "Oh..." "She took my dogs." "I'm sorry." "She took my dog's life." "Wow." "I got home and there was blood everywhere." "She decorated the den with Poochie's intestines." "Like a garland around a Christmrs tree." "Hi." "I took care of her." "Kieran, you're so gullible!" "l" " Well" "Why would you say those things?" "Because you just lied to me!" "You told me everything's "Wow," I haven't seen dick from you in months." "Okay." "Put your fiction on a page." "Don't spit it at my face and expect me to lick it up." "Okay. I see your point." "You really see my point?" "Yes. I do." "Do you?" "Yeah." "Do you want to see my point closer?" "I , I , I got it." "Okay, okay." "Yeah." "No." "See?" "That's what I love about you." "You're so gullible." "Go on." "Get out of here." "Go write me something brilliant." "You got it." "Look at that mouse." "You're an idiot." "That Lexi was fucking hot." "Shut up, man." "This is a reality show." "She hasn't called me one time since I let you guys moved in here." "It's reality." "It shows what her real motives were." "Whatever." "She's fucking hot." "What about this girl?" "You think she's hot?" "Yeah. I do." "No, that's a tranny." "I'm not good at this." "Some people like trannies, my friend, apparently you're one of them." "Whatever." "So what are we gonna do about Kieran?" "We can't let him move in with that bitch." "You gotta use that doctor's brain of yours and help me figure something out." "I have one idea." "What is it?" "We arrange for him to get laid." "And then we throw it up on You Tube and then call her up and tell her." "I like that one." "We can get some girls." "We can throw a party, get him all fucked up, tell them that Kieran has this huge cock, well, no one would believe that." "We'll say he's a billionaire." "Bitches love money." "I like it." "I'm getting some ideas here." "I'm gonna go round up some sluts and go see my agent." "And uh, you may be sporting some wood there, tranny lover." "CAA...can I help you?" "Hey, it's That Tyler. ls Doug there?" "One second please, I have That Tyler on line 2." "Oh, put him through, please." "BigT !" "Hey, uh, I'm not feeling so well." "I'm not gonna make it in today." "I feel like this tickle in my throat." "You want an ambulance?" "Lucy, get an ambulance." "No, I'm just kidding," "No, but I've got very big words for you today, Buzz McManus!" "Buzz McManus, ladies and gentlemen!" "Okay." "Who's that?" "Oh, my God. ls 2 plus 2 not equal to 22 in your beautiful brain?" "I'm kidding, you're smart." "Seriously," "Buzz McManus is the gatekeeper to your celebrity, dumb babe." "He'll make it happen for you." "Isn't he the dickhead on MTV?" "No, no, but he's similar." "In fact, he's better." "Okay?" "And he's going to give you a private show at the penthouse to announce the autobiography, the book signing, and season one DVD of Strangers." "What else you got for me?" "How about a few swanky appearances?" "You ever heard of Putas Locas before?" "Pu, pu, puro what?" "I don't speak Spanish either." "But they've heard of you." "They want you to come down, grab a camcorder, maybe get girls to take their blouses off, sign autographs, maybe sign tits, if I could only have your life for one minute." "I'd pound it to myself in the mirror everyday." "I mean, not that I don't do that anyway." "Okay." "Can you find something good for me, like maybe a pilot?" "I mean, I have talent." "Uh, maybe something on MTV, maybe a VH 1 reality show,  a celebrity rehab 101, something classy." "Right, right, I mean, I see where you're driving." "I do, but it's pitch black and you got a busted headlight." "Uh, can you just talk normal?" "You have to crawl before you walk, Tyler." "I can't wait until you meet my mom tonight." "It's gonna be so much fun." "Tonight?" "Yeah!" "Remember?" "We have reservations." "Hey!" "is this Mandy or is this Sandy?" "No, it's Tyler." "Are you serious?" "Yeah, no, it's ball party." "No, no, I'm just on the phone" "Uh." "No, no." "That'll be-- That's my cousin." "You're so rude!" "Doctor Bellotti's office?" "Boss's daughter is pretty hot." "Actually, that's the boss." "Hi, Doctor Bellotti." "Have a seat." "Glad to meet you." "Uh, you, you can just call me Heath." "I've never had a male nurse before." "I've never been a male nurse before." "Just so you know, I tried to have you reassigned elsewhere based on your lack of experience but the Administration said it was you or no one and I need the nurse power so here you are." "Thanks for the vote of confidence." "Do you know anything about children?" "I never wrap it up." "Joke." "I'm gonna tell you now because I don't want to get sued." "I always take my new nurses out to lunch to get to know them on a personal level." "So I will extend the invitation to you and if you choose not to accept, I won't be particularly crushed if you catch my meaning." "As long as we go somewhere that serves lobster, I'm there." "That's the look that says "You must be joking."" "I am joking." "Good." "But anywhere is fine with me, you know?" "I'll go anywhere with you, I don't care." "What guy would be crazy enough to turn down a date with a beautiful-- lt's not a date." "Okay." "I like it here, it's nice." "Interesting Feng Shui." "Yeah." "I think your decorator may be morally wanting." "I think you're right." "But it is convenient when you want to have a good time." "You looking for a good time?" "Considering my brother flaked on me for lunch, yeah, kinda." "Why?" "Are you offering?" "I've, I've got work to do but, uh" "Diarja is available." "If you want to have a good time, call me, Diarja." "I will make your wildest dreams, a..." "Be-ality." "I think that's a typo." "Still, it's pretty tempting." "It's a fine looking he-she." "Enjoy yourself." "I usually do." "Hey, man." "Hey." "Look, I've had a few drinks but this is not why I'm gonna say this." "I just want to let you know I'm sorry about this morning." "I want you to have fun, uh" "Fuck you, don't say nothing." "I can be a real dick sometimes." "No." "No." "More than one person has told me this." "That I don't mean to be, I just get on," "I just want you to enjoy yourself" "No, it's, it's, don't worry about it, just forget it." "I'll make it up to you." "Let's go downstairs, have a little fun, there's people" "No, Tyler, I just started like writing and it's going really well, so I'd rather just stay in the zone." "Okay." "Listen to me." "I'll be good." "I promise I will be good." "Okay?" "Just 5 minutes, 10 minutes, 30 minutes." "Like an hour, tops I swear to God." "If it's going well, who knows." "Let's go." "Alright." "That's my boy." "See?" "You need some shorts." "Hey, he's coming, he's coming." "He'sawesome." "Thereheis, now look at the big boy!" "Look at him!" "Ready for the spa." "Hey, Kieran, this is Andy and Sandy." "Hi." "This is Kieran, guys." "The man of the legend." "Are you gonna get in?" "Do I have a choice?" "You either go in on your own or we throw you." "Oh, my" "Did you really have to do that?" "Make some room-- Oh." "Okay." "Crazy." "Mandy's working in the tanning salon across the street from Tyler's gym." "And Kieran here is an editor at Rolling Stone." "Wow, that's cool." "You know Bon Jovi?" "No, I don't." "Why don't you introduce me to Denise Richards?" "What about Jay-Z?" "No, I don't really, it's not like that." "Come on, man." "He produced his last album." "Isn't that right, Mr. DJ Krush?" "You're DJ Krush?" "I thought he was Japanese." "He'sactuallynativeJapanese but it's all above the waist." "But, but, his grandpa was actually half black, he's got those genes in his genes, if you can smell what I'm cooking." "Bullshit." "Don't you have like that huge butterfly collection?" "Everybody, it's time to go play strip tag!" "You're it, Tyler!" "Out of the way." "Okay." "Hey." "Hey." "Who's it?" "Should I go" "No. no." "Stay. I'll be right back." "Yeah." "You" "Okay, alright." "Okay." "Where did Kieran go?" "I don't know." "He's running around, playing tag or whatever." "Are you guys" "Stop it!" "Okay." "Oh." "Hey, Glen!" "Morning, man." "We were, uh, strip tagging here." "That's" "There's a pool." "And a room." "He's a really good guy, man." "He seems like a nice guy, he's really cute." "You think so?" "Yeah." "He's got really nice eyes." "Is he single?" "No, no." "He's married." "Kieran, go, go." "Come on, buddy." "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh !" "It's kind of cold." "I wish there was more!" "Somebody pee in the pool." "Hey, bro, I missed you at lunch." "Oh, yeah, I was at my agent's, and uh, his building's cement so there's like, I couldn't get a signal." "Maybe tomorrow?" "Yeah." "You're it." "Go, go, go." "Oh." "Are you trying to get me drunk?" "Yeah." "Hey." "Oh." "Where are you going, man?" "Why are you leaving?" "It's cool, I'll see you later." "I'll check you later." "Are you smoking?" "Does Tyler know you smoke?" "Do I care?" "So you leave the festivity so soon?" "Yeah, it's not really my thing." "Yeah, it looked like you were having a terrible time." "So why don't you offer me a drink?" "'Cause you're a baby." "I mean, aren't you still a minor?" "Jeez." "You and Tyler used to fill up the thermoses out of Mom's box of wine." "You knew about that?" "Wow." "I'll just, uh, go change." "Don't do it on my account." "Beer." "Gotta be kidding me." "Can't even jerk off." "So I read that short story you wrote about running away from home." "The one that got published." "You mean the one about the gopher." "Yeah. lt wasn't really about a gopher, though." "It's really good." "Thanks." "You still want to be a writer?" "Definitely, yeah, it's, uh" "Sometimes it just-- lt seems so far away, you know, like, like impossibly far away." "Like those buildings out there." "They're right there, but they're not." "They're pretty far away, you know?" "They are pretty far away." "No more for you." "Yeah. I deserve that." "So, what are you writing now?" "Uh, just reviewing music." "That sounds really cool." "Uh, hm." "No, it's definitely not cool." "It's, uh, you know what Muzak is?" "I know what Muzak is." "I'm a huge fan of Muzak." "No you're not." "I'm the biggest fan of Muzak." "No, you're not." "Muzak sucks." "It's the worst." "It's like the soundtrack for all the places you don't want to be." "Shit." "So what are you doing here?" "I don't know. I'm probably gonna move out, but-- lt's a great life, isn't it?" "Come on, it's a penthouse, right?" "Right." "It is a penthouse." "I don't know I mean, it kinds seems like a waste, you know?" "Well." "I ought to get out of here." "We wouldn't want that sauce to cause us to do something crazy, now would we?" "Good night, Kieran." "Yeah, good night." "Design Features of style." "Very inexpensive to heat." "Energy efficient." "Well?" "l" "Are we standing in the closet right now?" "I got you covered." "There is room for all your craft and storage unit." "Only 3 blocks away." "I hate my life." "Give me a hug." "Ah!" "Jesus!" "Who the fuck are you?" "I'm sorry." "Great, uh, Roy, you wanna tell us a little bit about yourself?" "It's pronounced "Rwa."" "Okay, Raw." "We just knock it out then?" "Huh?" "Okay. I , uh, like the outdoors," "I have two sisters, my dad's a bastard, fashion's my life, I think that goes without saying," "I just don't want to screw this up because" "I want you guys to like me so much, please like me!" "Anyway, can I touch you to see if you're real?" "No touching, okay?" "Alright, Raw?" "It's pronounced "Rwa."" ""Wa?"" ""Rwa."" "" Rwa!"" ""Raw?"" ""Wa," "Wa."" ""Wa," okay, "Wa."" "Well, we'll give you a ring." "Hey." "Wha" "Yes!" "I have no idea." "Everybody, let's give a warm round of applause for Kieran whose early departure from the penthouse is giving you the opportunity of a lifetime to live with me, Tyler." "And, uh, that's my sister." "Seriously, you do have the opportunity of a lifetime," "Lunch?" "You're just gonna blow it?" "He's gonna blow it." "Your attitude stinks, light my grundle, okay?" "Out of 10, I give him a big bad zero." "Zero, zero, zero." "Zero." "That's great." "Where are you going?" "Lunch with Erica's parents." "Erica." "Who's that?" "My girlfriend." "Oh, right." "The one you're moving in with." "How are they?" "Hm." "Can I make a suggestion?" "Yeah." "Lose the sweater." "This sweater?" "It's kind of cool out." "But that sweater isn't." "You should burn it." "Wow." "Listen to you." "I don't remember you being this caustic when we were younger." "I think I prefer you forget just about everything you remember about me." "I actually have fond memories of you." "Some things I probably would have done differently." "Such as?" "Try harder." "At what?" "You're really enjoying this, aren't you?" "No." "Go on." "I think I probably would have, just, you know, maybe stood up for" "What?" "Huh?" "What?" "Okay." "Uh" "I think I should have probably stood up for you when kids were being mean." "Maybe sometimes the way Tyler and I acted we enabled this whole" "Okay, you can stop." "It's good." "I was just getting started." "I'll stop you before you say something that'll make me cry." "A tough girl like you?" "Okay." "Try this." "On top of this?" "On top of it." "I'm not even gonna ask." "Disaster." "I don't get it." "You posted that on Craigslist?" "Of course." "Did you post it under housing section?" "What housing section?" "The" " Housing section." "There isn't a housing section." ""Are you a guy?" "Do you like Tyler from Strangers?" ""He's looking for a new roommate so here's your chance," ""open auditions will be held this Thursday at the Strangers penthouse, only fun people need apply."" "Are you fucking kidding me?" "I'm a doctor, not a writer." "You posted that in the "Men Seeking Men" section." "Well, aren't we men seeking a male roommate?" "We're not men seeking men, like-- l didn't realize Craigslist was full of a bunch of perverts." "You didn't notice "Erotic services Men Seeking Men."" "You see all these guys here?" "What?" "Are they-- l didn't see that." "That's why I had to be 18 to get in?" "I thought it was because to rent something, you'd be 18." "I mean to" "Stop." "Hi, guys." "Hi." "You look so cute." "Yeah, you'd look cuter if you're on time." "Totally kidding with you." "Look at you." "I don't mean to put you on the spot right away, buddy, but we're running a bit late, let me ask you something direct, clear and personal." "You think I might have some grandchildren in this lifetime?" "I gotta ask him." "Your body won't stay like that forever." "Look." "They're already" "Mom!" "Seriously." "They're already squishy." "Look." "No, they're not-- l mean, kids are one thing, but don't you think we should think about marriage first?" "Yes, you should." "The only way he's gettin' in here is picking the fucking lock." "Just go away!" "Oh, I just" "Hey, I'm, uh, Barry." "Just a trick I learned from Chuck Bronson." "Are you gay?" "No." "You?" "No." "Sit down." "Thanks." "Wow." "This place is great." "That, that brick almost looks real." "Why don't you just tell us a little bit about yourself?" "So I understand you've been trying a little writing there, Kieran." "Yeah." "And I'm still trying." "Great." "You think you might have some more success if the word "commitment" was in your lexicon?" "As in committed to an asylum?" "Very good." "He's got a good sense of humor. I told you." "He sure does." "He's a scream." "If not you think you might do the decent thing and set her free?" "Set me free?" "What am I a wild caged animal, trying to break free?" "Nicholas, I don't think we should talk" " No caged animals in my house." "When my hand's up like this, I'm talking." "If you're not financially viable to support a family, you should think about another line of work, to have some room for advancement as your family grows." "Daddy, Kieran wants to write." "He's a great writer." "That's been discussed." "In the meantime, maybe you could come work at my box factory, Boxes." "Oh." "Oh." "Hm." "Well, that's tempting, but you know, I just" "Boxes aren't really my thing." "You know, I used to be a socialist, you know, Kieran?" "And I realized there was no money in it." "Call me crazy but I thought my life would be better with a few dollars, with financial security, so I did a statistical analysis of different businesses and investments, boxes weren't my thing, but financial stability for my family, that was my thing." "Hi, you'all doing?" "I'm Kelly, I'll be your server." "Hi, Kelly." "Can I get you a martini?" "Two more." "Honey, the hand's up." "We're starting with a 7 layer bean dip, she'll have the shrimp tacos, no shrimp, no tortillas, she'll have a prime rib-- l haven't had meat in almost seven years" "You will tonight." "He'll have the pasta without any sauce." "I haven't looked at the menu yet." "You don't need to." "Put it in." "We're fine." "I definitely want sauce." "If I'm having pasta, sauce-- Can I get a drink?" "Mom, please don't cry." "I'm also the kind of guy that likes to travel around a lot, just can't stay in one place for any amount of time." "I studied Buddhism in Tibet but I got bored with that so I took up some cooking lessons in Paris." "I met this girl, we traveled around northern Africa, where she fell in love with a Moroccan prince so I was just" "Off to Australia, took up some surfing, but a buddy of mine got his leg chopped off by a great white so not wanting to tempt fate any further, I headed out and worked on an Alaska oil rig for about six months," "which was just as dangerous but the pay was a lot better so with the cash I went to New York, dabbled on some on line trading, made a gold mine on some Tech stock hedge funds which I spent on a yacht which sank off the coast of Indonesia." "So, here I am." "Yeah, well." "I was on reality TV." "And I won." "Maybe I'm not ready to get married either, Mom." "I got married before I was drunk-- before I started to drink." "You've been drinking ever since." "You are a condescential bitch!" "That's not a word." "Is too." "So, does anybody ever really get full from tapas?" "Why is he here?" "I was trying to be nice." "You know what?" "I'm gonna take this." "A call." "That is rude, young man." "Hello?" "That's, that's crazy." "Yeah, don't panic, uh, just stay there." "and I'll come get you." "What the hell are you doing?" "I'm sorry, I have to leave." "What?" "Yes, uh, it's uh, Trista, Tyler's awkward, boyish little sister and, uh, she got lost downtown," "Who goes downtown anymore?" "Hookers." "How do you know?" "No." "She's just" "She's lost and she's panicking, so I'm just gonna go." "Why can't she just" "Loved the meal." "I love that kid." "Hey, baby." "You come here often?" "What's going on?" "Are you okay?" "I'm fine." "No, not really." "What's up?" "No, it's stupid." "Come on, lay it on me." "I promise I'll try not to laugh." "It's just-- lt's just fucking Tyler!" "I've come here to see him before going to Europe for l don't even know how long and he can't find the time to even have a crappy lunch with me." "Same shit all my life, Tyler, Tyler, Tyler, and I'm sick of it." "And I hate the fact that I even care when he so obviously doesn't." "Wow. I need whiskey." "He'd go out and I'd sneak into his closet and I would steal his cowboy boots." "Remember those ones he used to love so much?" "Of course." "How could I forget them, the red and blue ones?" "Red and teal." "Right?" "Oh, excuse me." "So you remember how anal he was about them, right?" "So I would sneak in there, take them out, put them on, and I would run around the house in these giant oversized boots." "And I'd be so happy just to be wearing something of his." "Then of course I always had to sneak them back into his closet before he got home because he'd flip out if he ever knew." "I guess it's just kind of been our deal, you know?" "Me always trying to get his attention." "You know, I actually thought this trip would be different." "I thought maybe he'd finally notice me." "But, same old invisible girl." "Thanks." "No, thanks." "You totally saved me from a miserable meal." "How'd you know to do that?" "Gut feeling." "Oh. lt's quite a gut." "Oh, my" " Oh, my God." "It's unsightly, isn't it?" "It really is. lt's disgusting, you should put it away, and maybe think about doing some crunches or something." "Hit me." "What?" "Go on, punch me." "No, I'm not gonna-- l want you to hit me as hard as you can." "Nice." "That was nice. lt took me a minute but I got it." "Oh!" "Oh, Jesus." "Sh." "I'll just leave that here." "I don't even know if Tyler's been in this room, so." "So I said to the guy, I thought I told you to duck?" "And he goes, "Oh, I though you meant the one in the pond."" "Stinker." "Hey, who's the, uh, cute couple?" "Oh, no, we're just friends." "Don't worry about them, Barry." "That's just my ex friend and my little sister but this is a fantastic martini." "Really?" "Alright." "I , I honestly, wasn't" "Trista." "So, uh, Bar, to new roommates." "Yeah, new roommates." "Cheers." "Are you moving in tonight?" "Tonight?" "Yeah." "I mean, I could." "Man, this is good." "No, Lisa." "The girl's here for Heath." "She thought that his room was my room." "Would I lie to you?" "No way." "Not" " Convince you that-- Hang on." "Hey, you want to spend a little QT with your brother today?" "I'll get my purse." "Hey, what's in the envelope?" "Nothing." "That's my sister." "See?" "If we get in now, we can sell and make a profit in less than two yeras." "We'll make money off the bank's money, which will enable us to move up to a bigger place." "You made a pie chart." "Yeah." "Listen, thank you so much for lunch, I really appreciate it." "You're welcome." "So you live here?" "Uh, yeah, for the time being." "I mean, it's, you know, sort of a crash pad." "It does the trick." "And how exactly do you afford this on a nurse's salary?" "This wasn't as bad as I thought." "No?" "Definitely not as bad as I thought." "I mean, lunch, was a little, hm, spotty." "And you're kind of cute, you know that?" "I did not know that, no." "Charming, I knew, but cute?" "I don't know." "I'll take it." "You're not so bad yourself, you know?" "Except for the fact that you're a heartless workaholic." "Yeah." "You know underneath this hard exterior, yours is a pretty big heart." "Well, I've noticed that you're a good nurse." "Thank you." "And you're smart, work well with children." "I mean, I get a lot of practice being around here." "What was that for?" "So now you're an idiot." "Not really am I?" "Yeah, a little bit." "Okay, I'll be here early in the morning to help you pack." "Alright?" "I love you" " Daddy, hi!" "You'll never believe this." "We found the most adorable place, we're moving in together." "Oh, hey, Bar." "Yeah, last night was... the most fun I've ever had in my life." "Yeah, no, I can't wait until you move in here." "Yeah, that's fantastic." "Tonight?" "Let me call you back." "What?" "It's not working." "What?" "The whole Barry thing is not making me jealous." "Not everything is about you, Kieran." "Buzz McManus is coming here right now, to interview me, in my penthouse." "You know the one you're living in for free?" "Figure it out!" "Welcome to another edition of Living Large with me, Buzz McManus, where we see the beautiful and the blessed." "And today we will be doing the penthouse of That Tyler." "Is life better as a celebrity without any actual talents?" "Well, yeah." "Well, fantastic!" "So here is your foyer." "And over there the TV set of the Strangers." "Yeah, actually, we love to throw this around." "Does it ever bother you to be an integral part of the downfall of America?" "What do we have here?" "Thank you." "God!" "What the fuck are you doing here?" "We all remember Lexi, That's girlfriend from Strangers." "How are doing?" "Great, Buzz." "Ever since Tyler's moved his school buddies in instead of me" "That's called loyalty." "That's called immaturity and fear." "My therapist has you pegged." "Has he pegged you yet?" "That's none of your business." "None of this is your business anymore." "Oh, that's your book?" "How's your 15 minutes of fame going?" "How's your five?" "He calls his unit, Gizmo." "She has lbs." "Tyler shaves his asshole!" "No." "Brrr." "No." "Stop." "Can we move on?" "We move on." "Shaving his asshole." "Fucking loser!" "That was for your birthday." "So are we done here, shall we go?" "No, actually, we got my boy Heath." "Oh, I don't know what the fuck this shit is." "It's all good." "Stop, buddy." "Oh, shit!" "Oh, my God, bro!" "Get the fuck out!" "Will you get the fuck outta here, man?" "It looks like the doctor is in." "I'm so sorry." "How was I supposed to know?" "I got the fucking barricade, you fucking idiot!" "I'm sorry." "It's huge!" "This has happened to me and Tyler many times." "Get the fuck outta here!" "I'm sorry, man." "How was I supposed to know you'd be diddling your nurse?" "Actually, I'm the doctor." "He's the nurse." "Shit." "She's" " You're not a doctor?" "Fuck!" "Get the fuck out!" "Why did you write this?" "Uh, I don't know." "'Cause I wanted to." "Sorry, is that" "So you're leaving?" "Yeah, I need to." "This place-- This place just isn't me." "Moving in with Erica?" "I don't think so." "So where are you going?" "Uh, I don't know." "Just" " What about you?" "What are you" " Are you?" "You didn't like the story?" "I just don't get it, Barry." "You know?" "I mean, how did everything get so effing fucked?" "You know, I was on an excavation on the Sahara and I spent some time with a Bedouin." "Anyhow, they, uh, had a saying." "The hardest tool was the softly spoken phrase." "I'm sorry." "Dude, you have the ability to unfuck that which has been fucked." "Idiot." "The semester starts in February." "and it runs into mid June so I'll be in Paris until then." "Then I'm going to go to Barcelona," "Rome" "Don't even know where you're going." "Prague." "You're going to Europe by yourself." "Maybe but I have a roommate there already." "We're gonna travel together." "Yeah." "Of course, there's always room for one more." "Wow." "I don't know. I don't think so." "Come on." "We could do all kinds of crazy stuff together." "You could write about it." "A bath could be involved." "Oh." "You want to take a bath?" "You want to join me?" "l-- l-- uh" "Erica." "Thanks a lot , man I mean, you don't have to apologize to me, bro." "No, I do. I do have to apologize because I was in the wrong." "I'm sorry you had to see me in that position." "Cheers." "Erica, wait a minute." "Stop it!" "Go away!" "Don't walk away, please." "Get the fuck off of me!" "How could you, you lying cheating piece of shit!" "How could you?" "It's not what you think." "Oh, thank God it's not what I think because I just walked in on you, naked in bed with some slut!" "He finally got laid!" "Please, let's go somewhere" "Jesus, he actually does have a pretty big cock." "I think it was inside your sister, bro." "My sister?" "My" "My sister!" "You fucking touched my sister?" "I'll kill you!" "Whoa, whoa, wait." "Oh." "Right there." "Tyler's sister?" "I'm good, I'm good." "You fucked with" "The awkward, boyish sister?" "Let me explain." "Ugh!" "That's just cutting the circulation off the brain." "Fucking crazy." "Heath, just help a little." "I know it's kind of a short notice, I just decided that I was going" "Hey." "Waiting like I was normally" "Can I talk to you?" "I'm on the phone, Kieran." "Okay, uh, this is important." "Can I call you back?" "What do you want?" "I just wanted to say that" "What do you want to say, Kieran?" "I just wanted to tell you I'm" "Are you leaving?" "No big shocker, huh?" "I can't imagine why I'd want to leave this place." "Right?" "You know, I , I couldn't figure out why you wanted to live here." "And I didn't think you had it in you." "You know, I was wrong." "Because you know what?" "You and my brother, you deserve each other." "Trista." "Come on." "I'm fine, though." "Okay, Barry?" "Okay." "You ready?" "Yeah, I'm good." "Ah!" "Fuck!" "Jesus!" "It relieves the pressure points." "Get off. I told you I'm okay." "I'm gonna fucking kill you, sister fucker." "Oh, I can't even look at you right now." "Oh, is it that terrible, Tyler?" "Yeah, it is that terrible, Trista." "It's not like I never had sex before." "You didn't have sex before." "A guy penetrated me." "Don't." "No" " Nobody's penetrated you." "I gave blow jobs, yeah, lots of them, good ones, swallowing, big, fat, oh!" "You're not doing that." "I won an award in college." "They don't give awards for that." "As a matter of fact" "There's something you don't know about me but I love having my brains fucked out!" "Threesomes, foursomes, orgies, gang bangs-- l told you not to hang out with Betty, that slut!" "Missionary, a lot of doggie" "Cow girl." "The gun?" "What are you doing" "Daisy chains." "There's no fucking" "Yeah, there's lots of them." "You ever heard of a hot Carl?" "What the fuck is that?" "You didn't" " You didn't really do all that, did you?" "No, Heath." "Yeah." "How about some Couscous?" "Alright, man." "Yeah." "Couscous." "What the fuck is that?" "Come out of your room." "Remember when I burned your Barbies?" "You forgave me for that." "Come on." "I'll take you to one of those shitty romantic comedies you like." "Please, come out." "What are you doing in there?" "You're by yourself, right?" "I'm sorry." "I need a ride to the airport tonight." "Are you taking me or should I call a cab?" "What time?" "There's traffic" " Okay, okay, I'll take you." "Jesus Christ." "Hey, Mitra. lt's, uh, it's Heath." "Heath the nurse." "Ha." "Uh, uh, I'm just calling, I guess to apologize." "I don't know, I wrote down this list about things that suck about Heath." "Sorry." "Sorry for being fucking stupid." "Sorry for embarrassing you, I'm just being honest." "I'm still trying to be funny, I'll still be nice to you." "I'll cuddle you if you could forgive me or something." "Sucks!" "I was in there." "Just call me back, I don't know." "I'll try not to fuck up again." "Wow." "Of all the places I never thought I'd see you." "Surprised?" "In more ways than one, Kieran." "You've every right to hate me." "No, I don't hate you." "Truth is 30 years from now I don't want to end up like my mother and father either." "I should have had out of this a long time ago." "I know that you wanted to it's just, I really thought that" "Just, uh, watch out for the coyotes." "Whoa, look." "No, you look!" "I've had a massive crush on him since I was 14!" "What?" "Shut up." "He wasn't the self-centered prick of an older brother who never had time for me." "He was a sweet guy." "You know what, he actually acted like I existed." "He's dead to me." "I am not self-centered." "Look, we're hanging out right now, aren't we?" "Yeah, feel the love." "Why are we slowing down?" "I just gotta go inside for a bit." "I'll get them to comp you a drink." "What?" "If you go in there, I'm won't be here when you get back." "Come on, Trish, you know I have to do this kind of stuff." "I'm not coming back." "Ever." "Two minutes." "Sure, Tyler." "Five minutes." "Just turn this and lock your door." "I called his agent an hour ago." "An hour ago!" "He's still not here!" "I don't believe it!" "Hey, Tyler!" "Who are you?" "Mike Profit, from Profit Promotions." "How're you doing?" "I got you set up in VIP, bottle on the house" "We got you scheduled for two hours, 30 minutes of photos, hanging out, make it seem as natural as you can." "Then Alejandra, the Putas Locas producer she's gonna get you geared off with the camera and set you loose on the audience," "He'll brief you, but you've seen the videos, ask them their name, free T shits for titties out, 50 bucks for dyking in the bathroom and bla bla bla and all that funny stuff, okay?" "There you go." "Enjoy." "Is there a problem?" "Yeah, I can't really do this." "Man, this isn't my shit anymore." "Seat taken?" "Barry, how did you find me?" "Bro, I spent eight months tracking cheetahs in the Serengeti." "I think I can find a 150 pound white dude on the top of a mountain." "So how are you holding up?" "Well, let's see, uh," "My friends hate me, the girl that I never loved but was gonna move in with left me, understandably." "And the girl that I do love wants to leave me." "Actually, she already left." "There you have it." "But, hey, I'm still writing." "Right?" "Pumping out my terrible reviews of mind numbing, suicide inducing Muzak I'll tell you what." "I have a buddy of mine." "He runs... a pop culture mag in Hollywood." "I'm sure he can always use a smart reviewer." "Yeah, music, books, movies, stuff like that." "You interested?" "Yeah, I totally am." "You can hook that up?" "Yeah. I can hook that up." "That's awesome!" "But I won't." "Yo, I need to go rub one out real quick." "Okay?" "Will you be alright?" "Yeah." "Why are you telling me this?" "See you." "So, uh, lovely ladies." "Hey." "I read your story about the girl." "You did?" "It's good, man." "You're very talented." "Believe me, if I thought it was shit, I would tell you." "The question is, do you want to be a writer or just someone who writes?" "Because if you want to be a writer then you have to get out and experience things worth writing about." "Get the fuck out of here and entangle yourself in some drama." "Okay." "Well, you know, I think I've had enough drama" "What?" "Come on!" "No, you haven't!" "It's time for you to reach under the bull and just grab him by the nuts." "I mean, metaphorically." "Do you understand?" "Who are you?" "Rwa." "Rwa." "Best friend, BFF always, uh-- l knew it." "That Tyler." "There you go." "You can go, thank you." "Uh" " No." "Oh, fuck." "Next." "Oh, my God. ls it really That Tyler?" "Misogynistic pig, please sign my book." "I don't know what to say." "I'm an idiot." "I have to lie to get laid." "I don't know what that look means." "Does that mean that we're all good, or is that a look like you're gonna castrate or something?" "Come on, Lexi, I don't want you to be upset anymore." "Upset?" "Tyler, I'm not upset anymore." "I don't care." "I have to care to be upset." "You put your big fat stupid head in the garbage disposal and I gladly pulled the switch." "Seriously." "Okay, look." "Here, how about this?" "Dear Lexi," "I'm very, very, very, truly, truly sorry for ever ever taking for granted what we had." "Love," "Tyler." "Just give me a few minutes with these people." "We can talk after, Okay?" "Ugh." "That was, uh-- That was really nice." "I'm actually here to apologize to you." "Just like a hemorrhoid, the sister fucker returns." "Where's your copy of the book?" "Tyler, I'm really sorry." "Oh, I'm sorry, too, sir." "You see the rules?" "No book, you can't be there." "Yeah, but I'm" "No book." "Tyler, this is important, I'm trying to" "Next!" "Apologize." "Okay, fine, here." "You can take this book. lt's special for you." "I don't give two shits about your fucking book." "I care about you, you know-- l , I care about us." "Take the book." "I care about Trista." "Take the fucking book." "No." "Take the book!" "I'm not taking the book." "I'm not!" "Take the fucking book!" "Fine!" "I have the book, now what?" "Oh, you're welcome!" "You know what?" "End of the line for you!" "And no head shot." "Go!" "Go." "Ugh." "I missed you." "Hm. I know." "Why did you tell that Buzz guy I shaved my ass hole?" "Because you did." "Yeah, I did it for you." "Sweet." "That's" " That's oddly romrntic." "Alright, I guess I gotta catch a cab." "Ugh." "Where's Heath?" "I think maybe you should wait for a few minutes." "Why?" "It's called courtesy, Kieran." "Alright." "Anybody want to say goodbye, or, wish me luck?" "Tyler?" "Good talk!" "Alright, I'll see you, uh" "This is for my sister." "She'll understand." "What's in the box?" "Come on, what's in the box?" "What's in the box?" "What are you doing?" "How's the doctor?" "Was she licking your balls?" "I would never ask her to do something like that." "If she wants to do it, I'll let her do it, but, I can be a dick, like, "Hey, bitch, lick my balls."" "I'll just let her do it on her own." "Classy." "Yeah." "Alright so, is this goodbye?" "Are we hugging, or--?" "No?" "Awkward to stand around and nod at each other." "Yeah." "I hope your plane doesn't crash." "Thanks, that's nice." "At least admit one thing." "You had fun." "You had some fun in the penthouse." "It was definitely an experience, let's leave it at that." "You had the best part, fucking your sister!" "Ah!" "Oh, God, I wish I was you." "She's fucking hot!" "Alright." "But you did have fun, right?" "Fucking your sister?" "Hell, yeah!" "I'll see you." "Alright." "What?" "Out, too." "I'm staying!" "Leave me alone!" "I'm not gonna leave!" "No!" "Alright, you can stay, but you have to pay rent." "You got the fucking place for free!"