"Previously on Two and a Half Men:" "I'm determined to find someone who wants to be with me for who I am, not what I have." " You can be whoever you wanna be." " Hmm." " I can help you out with that." " Sam Wilson." "Maybe you could crash here." "I think it is great that you're working on your computer stuff, but we need help now." "I get it." "Say no more." "I'll start looking for a job." "Your job's a way to get by till you get your big break as a designer." "What if it never happens?" " I want to invest in your line of clothing." " Really?" "Pack your bags for New York, because I am gonna write you a check for $50,000." "The stress of living a lie is causing you to fall apart." "You're binge eating." " I'll miss you." " I love you, Sam." "Hello?" "Walden?" " Why is it so dark in here?" " Alan, no." "Walden, what's happened to you?" "What do you mean?" "Okay." "I don't know how to say this, um but you're either wearing a child's shirt or carrying a child." "Both options raise concerns." "Hey, I will not apologize for enjoying the art of fine cuisine." "Says the guy who has barbecue sauce all over his back." "Oh." "Like I'm the first guy to fall asleep on a McRib." "What are you doing here?" "I'm worried about you." "I haven't seen you in three weeks." "Kate's still in New York." "Why are you still in her apartment?" "I like it here." "It's comfortable." "Besides, the beach house smells like you." "This place smells like Kate." "I'll take "Things a Serial Killer Would Say" for 200." "You wanna be my next victim?" "Come on, Walden, look at you." "You're a disgusting blob." "Can you even see your penis past that gut?" "My penis is like Santa Claus:" "I don't need to see it, I just need to believe in it." "You know what I believe?" "Living a double life is killing you." "You don't know what you're talking about." "So why don't you just go away?" " You don't think you need any help?" " I know I don't need any help." "Fine, then I'll leave." "Alan?" "Yeah?" "I need help." "Oh, buddy, it's gonna be okay." "No, it's not gonna be okay." "I'm out of control." "I'm lying to the woman I love." "And the only thing I do more than lie is eat raw cookie dough." "And I think I have salmonella." "Don't worry, Alan's here now." "We're gonna get you hosed down back in shape and feeling like your old self." " You think so?" " Absolutely." "And after we do, you're gonna call up Kate and tell her the truth." " No, I can't." " You have to." " Why?" " The truth will set you free, and you know it." "Okay." "Maybe you're right." "There you go." "Plus, it would be nice to lose the gut and see my penis again." "And I'm sure he'd like to see you too." "Getting you back in shape is not gonna be easy." "It's gonna be a long haul." "It'll take exercise, diet and discipline." "Don't make such a big deal about this." "I look fine." "Aw." "Look who's got a little belly." "Let's do this thing." "Whew." "That was easy." " Hey, you." " Hi, babe." "How's the prep for the show going?" "Oh, my God, everybody here is pretentious, bitchy and high." "I love New York." "You're not Skyping from heaven?" "Because you appear to be surrounded by half-naked angels." "Oh." "Yeah, that's Britte and Inga." "I guess they're done throwing up their lunch." "Well, I've got great news." "I'll be there tomorrow." "You do realize they'll be dressed by then." "No, I'm coming to see you." "If the models are still there and we wind up in a pillow fight in our hotel bed, so be it." "Ha, ha." "Are you really coming?" "Yeah, and I got a big surprise for you." "Oh." "Wait, hang on a sec, how can you afford a plane ticket?" "Alan is flying me on his jet." "Oh, Alan's coming too." "Yay." "Don't worry about him." "I'll see you tomorrow." "Okay?" "Oh, do me a favor." "Before I get there, make sure those models have clothes on." "How do you feel about naughty-schoolgirl outfits?" "I find them degrading." "And perfect." " I love you, Sam." " I love you." "So did you tell her?" "No, I wanna tell her in person." "So pack your bags." "We're going to New York." "Me?" "Why am I going?" "This is really scary for me, Alan." "I need the support of my friend." " You got it." " Thank you." " Uh, Walden?" " Yes, I'll cover your expenses." " Great." "Um, and..." " Yes, I'll give you per diem." "If he ever gets a real friend, I'm screwed." "Ooh, you know what we should do in New York?" "Go see a musical." "Yeah, maybe." "If I put my life back together." "Of course." "So, what are you thinking, Jersey Boys?" "Walk like a man" "Talk like a man" "I don't really have a preference." "You can't go wrong with Wicked." "Sure." "Then again, Mamma Mia." "Oh, I can never see that show enough." "I own the movie on Blu-ray." "Delightful romp." "You realize the point of this trip is to tell the woman I love I'm actually someone else." "Oh, I get it." "If that story was on Broadway, I'd see it in a heartbeat." "Walden Schmidt in Les Misrepresentation of Who He Is." "Thanks for the support." "Oh, come on, lighten up." "Everything's gonna be fine." "I just hope she doesn't like Sam more than Walden." "Why would she?" "A lot of reasons." " One, Sam's better in bed." " What?" "He tries harder." "He has to compensate for all the other things he doesn't have." "He's banging scared." "If that's true, I'd be the best lay on the planet." " I just don't wanna lose her." " Oh, you won't." "But it's fun to lose yourself in the magic of Broadway." " Alan." " Fine." "It's too bad you're in a relationship." "Kate's show will be packed with half-naked supermodels." " Supermodels?" " Yeah." "Wow." "Excuse me a second." "I'm gonna make a call, heh, to my girl." " Hey, Lyndsey." " Hey, what's up?" "I am on Walden's jet." " I'm flying to New York City." " For what?" "A fashion show, maybe take in a musical." "Ah, guy's weekend." "Yes, exactly." "Um, so anyhow, I just wanted to make sure you still love me." "Of course I do." "Why would you even ask?" "You know, I'm on a plane, you know, anything can happen at any time." "Don't worry, Alan." "I love you." "And we're gonna be together forever." "Okay, sweetie." "I love you too, bye-bye." "Son of a bitch." "Oh, my." "Oh, my." "Oh." "Oh, gee." "So tall." "So very tall." "Oh." "Oh, that's an 11." "And now we've got a 12." "Oh, God, can you believe this?" "All these women, and I'm off the market." "Yeah, because that's what models are looking for:" "Middle-aged, twice-divorced, broke-ass guy who lives in a guest room with a dehumidifier and my old tax returns." "Ooh. "I make enough money to pay taxes." Rub my nose in it." "I'm sorry." "I'm just nervous." "I don't know if I can do this." " I feel like I'm gonna puke." " Well, this is the place for it." "Grab a feather and get in line." "Sam." "Hi, Kate." "Hi." "Alan, it's so good to see..." "Alan." "I'm very, very happy for you." "I hope this show brings you all the success." " Thank you." " Why don't I leave the two of you alone while I fill my head with images to think of when I have sex with the woman I love?" " I am so happy you're here." " Kate, I wouldn't miss it for the world." "What's this big surprise you had to fly to New York to talk to me about?" "Yeah." "The surprise." "Okay." "Uh..." " Close your eyes." " All right." "Kate, I'd like you to meet Walden Schmidt." "I don't understand." "My name's not Sam Wilson." "It's Walden Schmidt." "What?" "Walk like a man" "Talk like a man" "Walk like a man, my son" "No woman's word" "Wait a sec, your name's not Sam Wilson?" "No." "And I'm not broke either." "I have a lot of money." "In fact, I have more than a lot." "Like, think about a lot of money and then multiply it by 10 thousand." "But how is this possible?" "You worked at a Christmas-tree lot." "You didn't chip in on the rent." "I saw you use toilet paper as a coffee filter." "That's only because the day before, I used the last coffee filter as toilet paper." "Okay, why are you doing this, Sam?" "It's not Sam, it's Walden." "Okay, whatever your name is, why would you lie about who you are?" "Because I wanted to meet someone like you." "Someone who's kind and genuine and sweet and not after my money." "Someone that I felt like I had a real connection with." "So to make sure you could trust me, you lied to me?" "I'm really sorry." "I got caught up in it, and then I couldn't figure out how to get out." "Trust me, you are the most amazing person I've ever met." "I love you whether I'm Sam Wilson or Walden Schmidt." "Well, good for you." "Unfortunately, I have no idea who Walden Schmidt is." " Kate, wait..." " You know what?" "This whole time I thought he was the douche." "Turns out you're the douche." "Unbelievable." "She likes me." "How you doing?" " I been better." " I'm sorry, buddy." "You know what might cheer you up?" "There are still tickets for tonight's performance of Jersey Boys." "We're not going to Jersey Boys." "I totally get it." "Lion King it is." "We're not going to any musical at all." "Fine." "I don't understand why we both have to be depressed." "I don't think she's gonna forgive me." "Why would she?" "I mean, I lied to her about everything." "I don't wanna give anything away in case you change your mind and we go but when Simba lies to his friends by not telling them that he's the Lion King they forgive him after a few short but snappy dance numbers." "Life is not a musical, Alan." "So knock it off." "See, that wouldn't have hurt so much if you had sung it." "I'm sorry, I'm just upset." "I mean, I did what I did for love." "Am I really that bad of a guy?" "You're a douche, you're a douche You're a big fizzy douche" "You broke that poor girl's heart" "You're a douche, you're a douche You're a big fizzy douche" "You should have told the truth Right from the start" "But my intentions were good I was no slave to my wood" "I wanted her to love me for me" "He does have lots of riches Which attracts a lot of bitches" "Thank you, Alan, but you'll never be on Glee" "Oh, crap." "If I may throw in my two cents Your love was based on a pretense" "Your relationship with mother is to blame" "You didn't suckle on her boobie" "You self-medicate with doobies" " Explains why you used a made-up name" " Cue the refrain" "You're a douche, you're a douche You're a big fizzy douche" "Everything you said was a lie" "You're a douche, you're a douche You're a big fizzy douche" "But you still a really, really handsome guy" "Thank you." "Then what am I to do So I don't always live with you?" "Wow, that hurts my feelings" "But since I live there beneath your ceilings I'll bite the pillow like the prison bitches do" "Ooh" "If she gives me one more chance We can have a real romance" "If she doesn't, we can party in my pants" "Excuse me, no disrespect But I have to interject" "What makes you think You can steal the show?" "'Cause I'm gay" " Oh, you're so clearly from L.A." " Yes, I'm gay" " And he will always be that way" " I'm gay" "Or as his Jersey friends would say:" "Hey, yo, bada-bing, he's a big old 'mo" "Excuse me, but we seem to be digressing" "And I find it to be quite distressing" "Can we sing about the problem That's at hand?" "Can Kate get over Sam and love who I am?" "You confuse me for someone Who gives a damn" "So bottom line..." "You're a douche, you're a douche You're a big fizzy douche" "And I'll die sad and alone" "You're a douche, you're a douche You're a big fizzy douche" "Hold it, everybody, that's my phone." "Hello?" "Kate?" "You're a douche." "Douche, douche, douche, douche" "Douche-y, douche, douche, douche" "Douche, you're a douche Oh, what a douche" "You couldn't say it meaner I'm a big vagina cleaner" "Didn't do what I oughta I'm vinegar and water" " On this we all agree On this we all agree" "Oh, good, you finally see To shining sea" "Give me a D-O-U-C-H-E, douche" "Give me a D-O-U-C-H-E, douche" "Give me a D-O-U-C-H-E, douche" "Drum roll!" " You're a douche, you're a douche" " I'm a douche" "Just a big fizzy douche" "And that's all I'll ever be" " You're a douche, you're a douche" " Just a douche" "You're a big fizzy douche" "And that's all you'll ever be" "Douche!" "Walden?" "Walden?" "Your phone's ringing." "Oh." "It's Kate." "Hey, Kate." "Yeah, I can meet." "Yeah, I'll be right there." "Okay." "She wants to see me." " Here, take care of the check for me." " Will do." "Douche." "Hey." "Hey." "How'd the show go?" "It was pretty amazing actually." "The buyer from Neiman Marcus is interested in my stuff." "That's great." "About halfway through the show I realized Alan probably didn't pay for this, did he?" "No." "But if the models ask, throw him a bone." "Thank you." "I'm really sorry." "Do you think that there's a way that we can make this work?" "I don't know." "I mean, I trusted you, and you didn't trust me." "Now I don't even know who you are." "Well, if you think about it, I'm really the same guy." "I just have a better watch and a better car." "Better house." "Better jet." "So nothing about you is real." "What's real is that I love you." "Okay, well..." "I'm gonna need some time to process all of this." "So you think maybe when we get back to L. A..." " I'm not going back to L.A." " What?" "Yeah, thanks to you, I might have a life here now." "Wow." "I didn't think any of this through, did I?" "Apparently not, Walden Smith." "It's actually Schmidt." "You know what?" "It's not important." "So I guess I'll just wait to hear from you." "I guess so." "Goodbye, Sam." "It's Walden." "Hey, look who needs a ride back to L.A." "Ja, Alan the billionaire's got a big jet." "It slipped out while they were running from me." "Oh, too much champagne." "They are awfully pretty." "Yeah." "You, uh..." "You gonna?" "No, I'm not interested." "Oh." "Me neither." "You know, I have a girlfriend." "But, you know, if we could, which one would you choose?" " Probably the brunette." " Really?" "The brunette?" " You want the brunette?" " Me?" "No, I..." "The aforementioned girlfriend." "Although Lyndsey is a blond." "The brunette would make a very nice palate cleanser." "You know, uh, hypothetically." "Fine, you can have the brunette." "Hypothetically." "If we're talking hypothetically, it's my plane, you're not here, and I'm taking them both." "Right." "Are we done with this?" "Hypothetically." "So I assume you're moving back into the beach house." " Yeah." " Good." "The place felt empty without you." "Oh, please, you loved every minute of it." "I did." "I really did." "I gotta tell you, your bed ruined me." "And I ruined it." "Ugh." "I'm sorry, buddy, you were gone a long time." "I'm gonna miss waking up next to Kate every morning." "Mm." "I'm gonna miss driving your fancy sports car." "I'm gonna miss the way she held my hand when we watched a movie." "I'm gonna miss the way your underwear felt fresh from the dryer." "I'm taking the brunette."