"Transcript by Mastermonger Sync by Mastermonger" "Live from Chicago, Illinois, is Decision 2008." "Good evening and welcome to the political debate between..." "Hillary Rodham Clinton and Barack Obama." "First question:" "How do you see yourself as different from your opponent?" "Agh, dad, can we please not watch this?" "This is important, Stanley." "You boys should care about this stuff." "Yeah, but we totally don't." "Well, you boys are gonna sit and watch this." "This is what really matters!" "So Mr. Obama, why don't you tell us your stands on military spending." "Well, my opinion is that..." "We interrupt this debate for an emergency news bulletin!" "It's Britney Watch!" "Keeping you up to date with all your Britney Spears news." "Ooh boy, what's she done now?" "Britney Spears has been spotted camping in the Colorado mountains." "And one report claims that she has taken a piss in the forrest." "Robert Pooner has more." "Ron, I'm standing in South Mark, Colorado... where Britney Spears has apparently been trying to get away from it all." "Oh dude, that's our town!" "Mrs. Spears was spotted at a mountain campground... and you won't believe what she did, Ron." "The troubled diva took a piss right on a lady bug." "We blurred out parts of the photo so that it doesn't offend." "She's such a train-wreck." "When the photo is enhanced, Ron... you can see the poor little lady bug getting douced." "This must be very embarassing for Britney that this photo... got out, Bob." "And-and she looks like she's gained weight." "That's right, Ron." "She really chubbed up." "And if you zoom in on her face you can see that she's got some zits." "Wha-a, poor girl." " Hey Sharon, Britney peed on a lady bug." "The photograph was taken by Brian Willis of Bailey, Colorado... who sold it to 31 News for a 100.000$." "A 100.000$?" " That's enough to buy slaves!" "Britney is said to be now hiding out in a South Park motel." "And now back to the stupid Democratic debates." "...and speer-chuckers." "Did you guys hear that?" "A 100.000$ for a picture of Britney." "And she's at a hotel in our town." "It's got to be the Komfort Inn." "That's the nicest hotel in South Park." "Cartman, go get your camera!" " Swee-eet!" "He-hey, hang on fellas." "Don't you think Britney's been through enough." "I mean..." "Maybe it's finally time for us all to just leave her alone." "Butters... don't be such a pussy." "Okay." "A 100.00$ for a picture of Britney peeing on a lady bug." "Imagine what a photo of her crapping on a squirrel is worth!" "This costume was supposed to be for the Eastern musical, fellas." "Not for you trying to make an easy buck." "Oh no!" "Excuse us, we're trying to get a picture of Britney Spears." "Join the club." "Yeah, all you amateur photographers are making this tougher on the professionals." "We're professionals too, you fucking butthole." "Ah-ah, nobody goes upstairs." "We-uh-we have special permission." "Yeah, don't you recognize us?" "We're Britney Spears's kids." "You are?" " Not me, I'm a squirrel." "But now everybody thinks I hate lady bugs." "I didn't even know it was there." "I can't take it anymore." "I'm just so..." "Excuse me Mrs. Spears, but your kids are here." "They've brought you a squirrel." "My boys?" "Really?" "Send them in." "It's okay!" "My kids are here." "I feel better now." "We did it, guys!" " I told you that would work!" "Yeah" " Alright!" "You mean..." "it was just a joke?" "My kids ain't here?" "All right Butters, go get next to her." "I ain't doin' it." "We tricked her and it wasn't nice." "Butters, d'you want your share of the 100.000$ or not?" "You're never gonna leave me alone, are you?" "It ain't right to take advantage of somebody, no matter who they are!" "All right, fine!" "We don't need you, Butters." "Yeah, we just get a picture of her doing something else." "All right lady, just flash us your crotch or something." "I've got a better idea." " You do?" "Yeah." "No!" "You killed her." "Hey everything all right..." "Oh." "We should have just left her alone." "But we just had to push her." " How could we know she would..." "Oh, we suck so hard." "She's alive." "Oh, thank god." " But we almost lost her." "Why couldn't you boys just leave her alone?" "Doctor, could we talk to her for a minute?" "I don't want you making her upset." "We don't wanna upset her." "We just wanna tell her that we're sorry." "Allright." "Miss Spears, these boys wanted to say something." "Oh my god!" " Oh no!" "The boys are just shocked at how good you look, Britney." "Right, boys?" "Oh, yeah." "Yeah, it's not even noticeable." "Well, I'll let you boys have your say." "Miss Spears, uh..." "We're really sorry for making you want to kill yourself." "Oh, god!" "What have we done?" "It's Britney Watch!" "Keeping you up to date with all your Britney Spears news." "You won't believe what Britney's done now." "The troubled pop star has just been spotted... with a crazy no-top-part-of-my-head-look." "This video was taken just hours ago... as Britney was wheeled into the hospital for some reason." "And if we zoom in on the footage..." "Right-right." "Right here." "You can also definitely see a boobjob-scar." "No doubt now that she's had plastic surgery in the past." "Oh-oh-oh." "Ooh, how's that's gotta be embarassing." "Chris, any word on why Miss Spears went for... this radical no-top-of-the-head look?" "No word yet, Tom, but it could be over the embarassment... of the boobjob-scar video we showed just-just now." "Even though the timing doesn't quite work out." "Over here Miss Spears." "Dude!" "Damn it." "She can't handle any stress right now." "Excuse me, I'm Britney Spears' manager." "Oh jees, Britney!" "Britney, what were you thinking?" "First you shave your head, and now this." "Well, it's a balzy new look." "I'll give you that." "Brit over here." "Brit, one for Star Weekly." "Damn it." "You have to take her out of here." "She can't be around all this right now." "Right, we need to take her home." "Boys, can you give me a hand with her?" "Yeah, of course." "Okay, come on." "My car's right here." "Hey look!" " There she is.!" "Jesus Christ." " Yeah, yeah." "It's like this all the time." "Thank you." "Yes, thanks." "Look, uh, we feel really bad." "And-and we want to help Britney however we can." "That's great boys!" "Britney seems to have really taken a liking to you." "And don't worry..." "Britney is a queen at reinventing herself." "We just need to get her into the recording studio right away!" "What?" "All right, Britney Let's take it from the top." "Remember to bring that sexyness to it." "Excuse me." "Is this really what you think she should be doing right now?" "All right, Brit." "Let's try it from the top." "God, what a train wreck." " She must be stoned again." "Would you put a stop to this, please?" "This is only gonna make things worse." "What d'you mean?" "She sounds great." "Uh, Britney, that last lyric is supposed to be..." ""Love illation"." "It sounds more like you're saying "Love creation"." "Illation, really enunciate the L." "God, she's so stupid." "What d'you expect?" "Look at her." "She doesn't have most of her brain." "I know." "She's really dumb, huh." "No, I mean literally she doesn't have most of her brain." "Her head is gone." "Yeah, and she's all fat too." "Live from Las Vegas." "It's the MTV Video Music Awards." "What's up y'all." "It's the MTV Awards and we are kickin' it off right." "Here to perform her new song." "It's the one and only..." "Britney Spears!" "Aah, come on now, people." "Oh my god." "She's really gotten chubby." "Oh man, she's totally lip-syncing." "She doesn't have any lips." "Disaster at the MTV Awards." "People are ridiculing Britney Spears." "Her performance was awful, Tom." "She looked tired, she looked fat, she didn't have a head." "It was just completely phoned in." "No doubt, Tom." "That girl has major issues." "Don't listen to her Brit." "They're all just jealous." "And we can put you on Slim Fast tomorrow." "Hang on, hang on." "She'll be out in a minute." "We have to get her away from all this, dude." "People just aren't going to let up." "We have to take her somewhere to just be at peace." "Dude, where in the world can Britney Spears go... where nobody will bother her." "I know where." "We want three tickets to the North Pole." "The North Pole?" "Who the hell goes to the North Pole?" "We do." "Me, my friend and his aunt." "It's Britney Wa-autch." "A distraught Britney Spears has apparently disappeared... and abandoned all those close to her." "A local house wife caught a photo of Britney running away in this disguise." "Britney is obviously very upset about her MTV performance, Ron." "And so she's become desperate." "Most troubling for her is the fact that her disguise has total camel toe." "Ooh." "Ouch." " Oh boy." "Now, Leslie, this seems like a really bad camel toe offense." "Absolutely major camel toe, Tracey." "Britney just seems oblivious." "She was bound to get noticed." "You walk around with that kind of cam toe... and you're gonna turn heads." "D" " David, any ideas to how big the camel toe actually was?" "She was sporting toe like never before, Brian." "I don't know what's wrong with that girl, but... it's a slap in the face to camels all over the planet." "Those close to Britney say they're very worried and want to bring her home safe." "And now back to the local news." "The giant squirrel which was picked up last week by Animal Control... apparently now thinks it's a person." "Colorado officials have taken the squirrel to Johns Hopkins... for psychiatric evaluation." "That squirrel is obviously nuts." "Platform 4F." "It must be on the other side of the station." "There she is!" "It's Britney!" " Britney!" "Oh no!" "Dude, they're never gonna let us through." "Yes, they are." "I have an idea." "Britney." "Where did you go?" "There she is!" "It's okay." "You'll be in the Northpole soon." "There she is." "Hey Britney, it's me!" "Britney, it's over." "What were you running for anyway?" "Hey, wait a minute." "Where's her camel toe?" "I'm not Britney Spears, all right?" "Oh, psyche!" "She must be back at the train station." "Come on!" "Now, wait a minute!" "Everyone, just stop for one minute!" "Look, you guys are gonna end up killing her." "Can't you see that Britney isn't in any condition to handle this crap anymore?" "I know watching celebrities go down can be fun." "Me and my friends were just as guilty as all of you, but..." "Maybe, well just maybe, it's time to let this one go." "Just this one time." "Let's-let's all stop before it's too late, huh." "Son, you don't seem to understand." "Britney Spears has to die." "Huh?" "What do you think all this effort has been for?" "It cannot be stopped." "The purpose is too great." "She must die." "Little Stanley was tired and hungry." "But he knew that for Britney Spears to be safe... he had to get her to the Northpole." "You doin' okay, Mrs. Spears?" "It's her." "No, I'm sure it's Britney Spears." "It looks just like the picture." "You want me to-to what?" "Yes, I understand." "Hello, I'm Bob Sommer." "So happy you picked our little town." "What is going on?" "Why do you want Britneys Spears to die?" "Oh, nobody wants her to die, little boy." "We all simply..." "need her to." "Do you understand?" "No!" "Look, kid." "Throughout history people have found it necessary to... engage in..." "human sacrifice." "In ancient times humans would commonly pick one lovely girl adorn her with jewels, treat her like a goddess, and then... watch her die." "We like to think we're more civilized now." "But the truth is our lust for torture and death... is no different than it was in gladiator times." "Only difference is that now... we like to watch people put to death through magazines and photographs." "It's a damn shame too." "Old ways were better." "Used to be we just pick someone by lottery and then stone them to death." "Stonin' to death was too violent." "Rather have the sacrifice kill itsself." "You mean everyone has been wanting Britney Spears to kill herself?" "Britney was chosen a long time ago." "To be built up and adored." "And then sacrificed." "For harvest." "All right." "Everyone's about here." "Who's "everyone"?" "Who all is in on this?" "Hey, where are we?" "This isn't right." "Oh no!" "Come on, Britney!" "Come on, come on!" "Mom, dad!" "They're gonna kill her!" "They're going to..." "Wait, what are you doing here?" "It's okay, Kyle." "Just... be a good boy." "Be a good boy?" "You know all about this?" "Kyle, what the fuck is going on now?" "She's been built up to be sacrificed, Stan!" "Sacrificed?" "For what?" "For harvest, Stanley." "Same reason we've always done it." "Sacrifice in march, corn have plenty starch." "Corn harvest." "We hadn't told you about it Stanley, because we..." "We like to wait until kids are a little older to... talk to them about things like condoms and ritualistic human sacrifice for harvest." "All right, enough already!" "This has all gone on long enough!" "The kid is right." "This has gone on too long." "Yeah, she was supposed to've killed herself a long time ago." "And harvest is coming soon." "All right folks, let's finish this quickly." "No, wait." "Come on, hurry up!" "I can't run." "You go ahead, I'll catch up with you." "Here Davey." "Hold on!" "She's dead." "Well..." "I think it's time for us to leave the poor girl alone." "Morning, Bill" " Morning, Joe." "Nice looking corn." "Hey Sharon, Randy." "Great harvest, huh?" "An incredible harvest." "Some of the best corn I've seen in years." "Hey, check it out!" "...and the young girl has really taken the country by store." "Hannah Montana's Miley Cirus." "Though only fifteen years old, is all ready on her way to being a major superstar." "Looks like next harvest will be even better."