"THE PIRATE'S ME!" "CHAPTER I On September 6, 1795," "St. Genoveffa, a smiling little town by the sea, for two cannon shots from Veracruz, eagerly awaits the Viceroy's arrival." "In the governor's palace, preparations are in full swing." "Mackerels, capons, mullets!" "The golden ones.." "Lobsters to the right!" "Crabs to the left!" "What a cannonblast!" "Our captain is an ace!" "That's his shooting!" "Nice shot!" "After much time, at least they're firing better." "Hey, you!" "Listen." "By governor's order, the mustaches must all have the same length." "Don't worry, Captain." "They'll all be the same length, I swear!" " Good." "Not a hair more, not a hair less." "There and.. there." "There!" "A touch of the artist!" "And there!" "Another little touch!" "There!" "A touch of the artist!" "And there!" "Another little touch!" "# Welcome, our beloved Viceroy." "# By giving you our salutation, we're all happy because.." "# You don't know how much you cost us, you don't know how much you cost us," "# You don't know how much it costs, to watch you go, # to let you go." "# And accept our homage and accept our flowers, # which we'll throw in your path, elated in our hearts." "# Thank God, you won't stay, Thank God, you won't stay," "# Thank God, you won't stay only for one day." "# Only for one day..." " Doctor!" "How are you, Doctor?" "What brings you here?" " To see the governor." "Appendicitis?" "Appendicitis?" "Double pneumonia?" "Double bronchitis?" " No, no doubles." "No doubles?" "Then a single." "The usual attack of gout." "Excuse me, I must go." "He's out of it." "When is he coming back?" " No, out of it with pain." "Then go back.." "Guys, get ready.." "Silence!" "Why are you laughing?" "From the beginning!" "# Welcome..." "Who was it?" "Who was it?" "You know I won't I get mad with you but with your parents, who have raise you so." "Come on, who was it?" " Me, Sir." "Ah, you!" "Who is your father?" "Tell me, who is your father?" "No laughing, you know!" "Tell me whose son you are!" "I'm a son of the regiment, Sir." "Well, uh.." "this time you're forgiven." "But next time.." "Silence!" "Bravo, Don José!" "Some education you give your students!" "Olivia, aren't you scared?" "Throw it!" "Shame on you!" "A lot!" "Don José!" " What is it?" "His Excellency the Governor awaits you." " Me?" "I'm on my way." "Boys, be good while I'm away and try to make me proud and your paren.." "And your regiment!" "José makes love to Olivia, the governor's niece." "I wish!" "There!" "There!" "There!" "There!" "There!" "There!" "There!" "There!" "Perfect!" "You need another little snip." "There:" "A touch of the artist!" "Mr. José!" "Hey, did you give my note to Olivia?" "Of course." " What'd she say?" "What'd she say?" "Nothing, she ripped it up." " Nooo!" "But if you could've seen how she ripped it!" "Such grace!" "Such delicacy!" "The bits of paper flying through the air like butterflies!" "Here's more." " How many should I give?" "Two or three a day, before and after meals." "Bye!" " Very well." "This just had to happen today the day the Viceroy's coming!" "This attack of gout had to come!" "A moment, Excellency, I'm preparing medicine to take away the pain." "This gout, my God!" "I can't even lift my leg." "Help me, Captain." " Right away, Excellency." "Captain, raise it." "My poor leg is like lead!" "Come on, Captain, come on." "Slowly.." "Slowly." "At last!" "You kept us waiting!" "Here I am!" " Come here!" "Sit down." "Come on, grab a stool!" "Are you not feeling well?" " Couldn't you've chosen another?" "Are you in pain?" "Lots of pain?" " Lots and lots." "Why did you do that?" " "Two in distress, makes sorrows less."" "Come here!" "Remain standing!" "Listen to me!" "Are you able to keep a secret?" " Of course!" "All is ready for the Viceroy's arrival:" "banquets, fireworks, everything." "But these are only sides." "Lima beans!" "Lima beans!" " No, we lack the main dish." "Ah, lobster!" " We need the "piece de resistance"!" "Ice cream!" " You don't get it, we need thrills." "In addition to fireworks, I'd like us to show our courage." "Here at St. Genoveffa, we've never seen pirates." "That's why I'm here?" " Imagine that they arrived tonight and we managed to catch them under the enthusiastic Viceroy's eyes." "Excellency, the medicine is ready." " A moment!" "I'll give you instructions which you'll follow exactly." "Excellency.." " Silence!" "Don't interrupt me!" "Leave it there!" "And I'll sign here to be responsible for any liability, alright?" "It's done." " But, Excellency.." "Enough of that!" "I'll drink when I please!" "My poor leg!" "Yes, you're right." "I'll take it now." " The bullets!" "Murderers!" "What have you given me?" "Nurse!" " Here I am, pretty." "I had a strange dream." " What was it?" "I dreamt of José." " Olivia, that's not right." "He was so handsome!" "Dressed all in white, sitting on a pink cloud, pulled by twelve golden pigeons." "I've always said that young man is an idiot!" " Why?" "Golden pigeons don't exist." "And it's cruel to use little animals to pull you." "It's just a dream." "Don't you dream?" "Oh, yes!" "But I dream of he-men with beards and mustaches!" "Not drawn by pigeons." "Virile men of the sea that fight at sword's length for a woman's love!" "Oh, nurse, how long have you been having this dream?" " Five years." "Not so long then." " Since I was five years old!" "The Viceroy'll come through here and you'll come the other way." "You'll wait here in Tormientos." " But will I find Tormientos?" "Of course." "Make sure to get a nice ship that'll make a good effect." "Bring it here and hide." "During the banquet I'll give you the signal." " A signal?" "A little cough like this." " No, please." "I won't be sure." "Fine, when I offer a flower to the Vicereine, you appear." "But please, it's top secret!" "Only you may know about it." "OK!" "Coming through!" "Hey, groom!" "All ready!" "All ready!" " All ready." "The horseshoes and the.. water?" " All in order." "I'll take care of the provisions." "Help me, come on!" "Hurry, I'm in a rush!" " Five kilos?" "No, better fill it up." "IDEAL FEED FOR THE GRAN TURISMO" "Is this first rate fodder?" "Because my horse is a little scrawny." "It's not coming!" " Here we go.." "Oh, he got fat!" "Don José." "Don José!" "Olivia!" "Hold this." "Damsel!" "Are you departing, Don José?" " Yes, to Tormientos." "To do what?" " It's a secret but I'll tell you." "To be a pirate!" " A pirate?" "Yes, I'll command a band of cutthroats and in the middle of the feast we'll storm St. Genoveffa." "It was as a "scattergem" your uncle dreamed up." "to look ugly in front of the Viceroy." " Don't you mean to look "good"?" "Who?" "Your uncle?" "With that face?" "He wishes!" "Hey, you there!" "Get a move on, eh?" "Quick!" "Hurry!" "Damsel.." "Up!" "Come on, Pippo!" "A few hours later, the cannons greeted joyously the Viceroy's arrival." "Damn!" "The Viceroy is here and José's not here!" "Who are you waving to?" " The crowd." "Do you know them?" " No." "Then don't wave to anybody you don't know!" "Look at me, I wave to nobody." "There!" "A touch of the artist!" "Your most serene Highness, on this happy day, which will be remembered for centuries, date of your arrival to Santa.." "I don't give a damn!" " What, Your Highness?" "I said I don't give a damn!" "And take off your hat!" "OK?" "Now then, one: speech.. forget it." "Two:" "Delivery of the keys." "Highness, here are the keys to the city." "And with these?" "Like I want this crap!" "Keys.. crap.." "What have you got there?" " The gout, Your Highness." "Is it part of the festivities?" " The truth is no, but if you like.." "Go on!" "Move!" " Yes, Your Highness.. move on." "At last!" "Did you find the ship?" "The ship and the pirates, all set!" " Very good." "And now the children will sing, Highness." "A chorus of joy." "# Welcome, welcome, our beloved Viceroy." "# By giving you our salutation, we're all happy because.." "# You don't know how much you cost us, you don't know how much you cost us," "What the devil did they say?" " Ah.." "you don't know how much you cost us!" "Who?" "Me?" " No, to "let you go"." "# to let you go." "Second stanza!" "# And accept our homage and accept our flowers, # which we'll throw in your path, elated in our hearts." "# Thank God, you won't stay, Thank God, you won't stay," "What?" "What?" "What?" "Thank God, you won't stay only for one day." "# Only for one day." "# And when are you going?" "And when are you going?" "This too much!" ""When am I going?"" "I'll go when I please!" "I'm the Viceroy!" "Highness, we know, but there's another verse:" ""When are you going to stay and live with us?"" "You'd have to chain me!" " Yes, Your Highness." "What are you looking at?" " Nothing, Highness." "You look to me for no reason?" " Yes, Highness." "Then you're a fool." " Yes, Highness." "Or are you looking at my wife?" " No, Highness." "Why?" "Don't you like her?" " Very much, Highness." "So you like my wife, eh!" " No!" "Do you like her or not?" " I don't know." "You're really retarded!" " Yes, Highness." "This soup is.." " This soup is.." "is disgusting!" "You're right.." "It's disgusting." "Don José, the governor begs you to go to the kitchen and fix this." "Yes, I run, I run." "Olivia, until later." "How come you put "Viva the Viceroy" on one and another "Down the Viceroy"?" "Because that's one for us to eat." "Hey!" "Hey!" "The banquet is in danger!" " How?" "Don't worry, go back to your place." "Leave it to me." "You there, what are you bringing?" " Crabs." "Crabs!" "Don't you know how crabs walk?" "Turn around!" "March!" "Is it hot?" "Wait.." "let's check the temperature." "Wait.." "What've you got there?" " Oysters." "Any pearls?" "Any pearls?" " No." "Wait, let's put at least 5 lire each so as to not look bad." "Got it?" "You may go." "49.3!" "On the table, fast!" "Have you prepared the fruit?" " No." " Come, run!" "You two, wait!" "Ah, boar!" "Wait." "Boar, boar, boar.." ""Boar must be served with half a lemon in the mouth"" "and some 'farsely' on the head."" "Half a lemon in the mouth.." "Bing!" "Bong!" "And a little "farsely" on the head." "Go on out!" "What could you do with these bananas?" "Why?" " They're all crooked." "Look." "Take one like this and slowly, slowly straighten it." "Look.." "There!" "You try." " Yes." "Oh, no!" "It's very easy." "Look, you take it like so and.. there!" "I'm so afraid, José." " Of what?" "The pirate's me!" "You sure the others are fake?" " Of course!" "Before recruiting them, I beat them all against the marble." "And instead of doing.. "Dong!" They went, "Ow!" "Damn it!"" "Fake!" "All fake!" "Counterfeit!" "Imitation!" "Junk!" "Pirates sure are dumb!" "Ahem!" "This flower.." " This flower..?" "This flower..!" "I'll take it myself." "No, I won't take it." "What would I do with a flower?" "No, no, I'll offer it!" "No, no, I won't." "Yes, yes, I'll offer it." "No, no, I won't!" "Really, will you offer it or not?" " No.." "No?" " Yes, Highness." "I meant yes." "Then, yes or no?" " I don't know." "I was right then." "You are a retard!" "Yes, Highness." "The flower!" "Excuse me, Olivia, I'll go play the pirate for a bit and be right back." "And while the cook went nuts with the bananas, the populace reserved their port to attend the secret landing of the fake pirates." "Come one, come all!" "The best seats to see the arrival of the pirates!" "An arena!" "Come, gentlemen!" "Candy!" "Peanuts!" "Almonds!" "Ah, it's you, eh?" " Yes, it's me." "All ready, all ready?" " Ready." "Pirate costumes?" " Ready." " The skull flag?" " Ready." "And you are?" " Pedro." " I'm José." "Ready?" "No, I mean.." "are we ready to sail?" "Impossible, no men." " Where are they?" "Drinking in the tavern, the "Lame Mullet"." "Come on, quick!" "Balloons!" "Postcards with the arrival of the pirates!" "Don't cry, the pirates are coming." "Balloons!" "Postcards with the arrival of the pirates!" "Pirates!" "Tavern of the Lame Mullet" "Here they are." "I know now that they're drinking, who could drag them away?" "Hey, guys!" "Let's go!" "Come on!" "We gotta go!" "Aren't you ashamed to still be here?" "We must leave!" "Right?" "Now what?" " What a mess!" "If the landing is delayed, we'll spoil the whole festival." "Can't do a damn thing." " We can't?" "I have an idea!" "And while José attempted to get out of the mess, the unaware inhabitants of St. Genoveffa applauded enthusiastically" "the arrival of a real pirate ship under the command of the terrible Grim Reaper." "St. Genoveffa's in sight!" "Hey, One Eye!" " Look, they're clapping." "What idiots!" "Let us do our work!" "We have to shoot!" "Fire!" "Where are these shots coming from?" " Pirates, Highness." "And you say that so calmly!" " Ah, that's right!" "Ah!" "the pirates have arrived!" ""People of St. Genoveffa, the time has come to cover yourselves with glory"" ""before the eyes of our Viceroy."" "Pirates?" "Are they too part of the celebration?" "Yes, High.." "No!" "I mean no!" "Yes or no?" " I don't know." "No doubt, you are a real idiot!" " Yes." "Shots?" "Is that how you receive the Grim Reaper?" "Send them some lead!" " Fire the cannons!" "Nobody fled." "Maybe they misunderstood us?" "Send them another six balls eight inches thick!" "Fire!" "What are you doing?" "Move it!" "Where can we shelter the ladies?" "Why do you want to send them away, Highness?" "Let them see the show." "The cannon shots?" " They'll never come here!" "And what do you call this?" " Cream pie." "Don't be an idiot!" "Take the ladies to safety!" "Nice, eh?" " It's well done, but I think José's starting to overdo it." "# I am your brunette, A siren, you bet!" "# I'm like a chain, and insane, you'll go." "# From the fiery freebooter, to the hot six-shooter," "# With my looks of fire, I fill them with desire, from head to toe." "# Olé!" "Olé!" "Olé!" "Olé!" "Olé!" "# Olé!" " Olé!" "# Piripín pin pin, hey, cutie, you're a dark beauty." "# If you kiss me there, with your nose in the air, what I won't dare!" "# Tralala pom pom, hey, macho, I'll kiss you so!" "# The worse you treat me, the more ugly, the more you send me!" "# The more I see you, the more I lose it!" "# I want to crush you, want to kiss you with a pipe lit!" "# Poropón pom pom, my privateer, want to get near?" "# Don't resist my charm, or I'll do you harm, with my arm!" "# Poropón pom pom, you red heads, really knock me dead!" "# I'm all ablaze, like the rays in the dog days!" "What idiots!" "They're applauding our arrival!" "Better for us!" "Highness, you may go with the ladies upstairs." "We'll defend ourselves to the last man." "Let's go!" "Eh.." "If all goes well, I'll know how to show my benevolence." "Thank you, Your Highness." "He believed it, he believed it!" "But if anything happens to me or my wife, I'll have you hanged!" "Sure, Highness." "We shoot at them and they salute us." "We land and they cover us with flowers." "I don't understand a thing." "Hey!" "Let's go, forward!" "That's 15!" " And how will we wake them up?" "Pick that up." "Olé!" "Olé!" "Olé!" "Olé!" "# I am your brunette, A siren, you bet!" "# I'm like a chain, and insane, you'll go." "Wake up!" "Now, get dressed like a pirate!" "Hurry up!" "Long live the pirates!" "My tall dark stranger!" "I'm the Grim Reaper." "Surrender!" "Surrender, second chance!" "Surrender?" "Us?" "Never!" "Surrender, third chance!" "No, no and no!" "Why won't you sons of bitches surrender to me?" "Excellent!" "Well done!" "Where's José?" "I'll eat your liver!" " Great idea!" "Bravo!" "Pile it on thick!" " That's enough!" "We will never surrender!" "A fork, quick!" "The life of our Viceroy and the honor of our Vicereine are too dear to us!" "You'll have to get through our dead bodies!" "Get them!" "How do I look?" "How do I look?" " Very fine!" "I'm almost scared." "Shouldn't I write here "for external use only"?" " No!" "Or "Don't touch, on danger of death"?" " Oh, no." "Then I'll leave it." "What's this ship's name?" " "Lady Camilla"" "I'm assuming command!" "Little Tigers of Mompracem, to your posts!" "And you?" " What did you say?" "Little Tigers of Mompracem.." " I'm not from Mompracem." "Where are you from?" " Frosinone!" "Let's not start with "sefrantics"!" "Little Tigers of Mompracem and Little Tigers of Frosinone, to your posts!" "Aren't we going?" " And the sails?" ""Privateerdrops"of the"Lady Camilla" Full speed ahead!" "Sail close to the wind!" "Hoist the gaff!" "Hoist the jibs and jabs!" "Roll up the foresail!" "And that's the dumbest of all!" "Hey!" "You take care of the silver!" "Leave the women to me." "Women!" "Back, scum!" "Or I'll teach you what a man can do!" "I'm over here!" "Hey!" "There!" "A touch of the artist." "There!" "A touch of the pirate!" "Master, you like?" "No!" "I like this one!" "Why do you laugh?" "I was thinking of the joke we're going to play at St. Genoveffa." "This way!" "Let's go!" ""Hook", "OneEye", hurry!" "Get them in line!" "I'm going to the kitchen!" " Come, boys, on board!" "All aboard!" "Hey, please, in a little while we'll spot St. Genoveffa." "Make sure you look your worst!" "Take heart!" "Try your best!" "How rude!" " Why?" "So many said hello and nobody says goodbye." "Who gives a damn, hey, master?" "Quick, aboard!" "Reaper, let's start divvying up the loot." "I'll take this one." "Hey, paws off!" "We'll divvy up on the island!" "That's what you always say, but when we get there you take all!" "Shut up!" "What's in there?" "You have a cat?" "The fat one!" "Throw her in the sea!" "Just a moment!" "Let's wait till there are more sharks." "Pirate ship starboard!" "Who are they?" " There, who's that?" "Eh, brothers of the coast!" "If you're going to St. Genoveffa, you won't find much." "Anyway, good luck!" "Bon Voyage!" "That's nice of you!" "Thank you!" "This is all your fault!" "You swore to conquer or die!" "Did you win?" " No." "Are you dead?" " Yes." "What "yes"?" " No, that is, no." "I don't understand anything!" "It wasn't me who stole the marmalade!" "I don't know if you have a saint you're dedicated to, but if my wife doesn't return, I'll have you hanged!" " No!" "A new ship in sight!" "A pirate ship!" "Quick, to the guns!" " Gunners, aim!" "Aim!" " Highness, don't fire!" "They're our friends!" "Friends!" "Are you in league with pirates?" "Yes, Highness, I am." " What?" "No!" "I didn't mean that!" " I'll have you hanged!" "Hey, they're firing!" " Fear not, they're just greeting us." "No!" "Fear not!" "They're just greeting us." "Greeting us my foot!" "They're shooting at us!" "They're fleeing!" "They're escaping!" " Poor me!" "Why do you sigh?" "We're in the middle of the ocean, no water, no food!" "If we approach the coast, they shoot cannonballs and you ask me why I sigh!" "A barrel in the sea!" "Hey, men of the sea!" "Damn, it's a hogshead!" "What are you doing in the barrel?" "Real pirates came to St. Genoveffa!" "They looted the town and kidnapped all the women!" "All the women?" "Even Olivia?" "Olivia, the Vicereine, all of them!" "They took them to their island!" "Get moving!" " Carry everything to my cabin!" "Even the women to your cabin?" " Don't hiss like a cat!" "You know I only want you, the most beautiful on the coast!" "What kind of pirates are they?" " They were the Grim Reaper's men!" "Quick, to the island!" " The island!" "They'll destroy us." "No!" "No!" "Let's not start!" "Let's not start!" "Hey, we all have families!" "Bashful!" "Fearful!" "Scoundrels!" "Lowlifes!" "Cowards!" "English!" "I will fight alone!" "Hey, don't leave me!" "You jerks!" "The island!" "The pirate..!" "Help, I'm falling!" "Thank you." "No, no, no!" "The pirate, that's me!" "END OF PART ONE" "PART TWO" "I don't know why, but I don't care for this gallows!" "You don't?" " No!" "But it's made per regulations." " I still don't like it!" "Why?" " Because, I have to use it." "Have you done something?" " Highness, what do you want me to do?" "Fine then, here's the gallows!" "Remember, if my wife doesn't return safe and sound you'll be hanged the day after tomorrow at dawn!" "Highness, if you don't mind, I'd prefer at sunset." "Why?" " Because it's much more poetic." "The sky turns red, the birds return to nest.." "You're right, better at twilight!" "The twilight of the day after tomorrow?" " No, tomorrow!" "HOUSE FOR SALE TODAY AT FOUR GREAT PUBLIC AUCTION" "WOMEN OLD AND YOUNG COMING FROM THE LUXURIOUS APARTMENT OF THE GOVERNOR OF ST." "GENOVEFFA" "IT WILL FOLLOW THE TRADITIONAL COMPETITION OF THE THREE RAFTERS LAUGH!" "LAUGH!" "LAUGH!" "100 piasters!" " 120!" " 130!" "140!" " 150 piasters!" "Sold!" "Three beautiful women for 150 piasters!" "Hi!" " Hello!" "Hi!" " How is it going?" "You're late, Morgan!" " Hey, Morgan!" "Hurry, the auction has started." " Pass!" "Who's that?" " Morgan, the Tiger of the Caribbean." "Courage!" "One washes, the other irons.." "And this one can cook them with mushrooms!" "150 piasters for the whole lot!" "150 piasters!" " 180!" "180?" "Reaper, are you interested?" "No, I'm not interested!" "What you're interested in is the Governor's niece, eh?" "But remember that in the veins of Lupita flows Andalusian blood!" "Leave me in peace!" "180.." "Going once.. twice.." "and three!" "Sold!" "Good day!" "And who are you?" "Don't you recognize me, trash?" "I'm Manuel, the Panther of the Antilles." "Ah, yes!" "I recognize you." "Excuse me, but rules are rules." "And who are you?" "Don't you recognize me, stinky, filthy garbage?" "Watch what you say!" "Who are you?" "I'm.." "I'm.." "I'm.." "I'm.." "I'm.." "José Brambilla, the Guinea Pig of the Caraba Sea." "Where is that sea?" " You know the Sargasso Sea?" "The Sargasso?" "Of course." " You cross the Sargasso Sea.." "and go through the Gulf Stream, when you get to the Red Sea.." "you wait until it turns green and then you can cross it.." "Let me pass!" "Let me pass!" " Pass then!" "Bravo!" "I like you." "You're brave." " I was scared!" "Of what?" " That they would notice I was afraid." "Are you capable of facing the Grim Reaper?" " Me?" "That's why we're here!" "This bag is full of gold." "Come and I'll explain everything." "35 once!" "35 twice..!" "Reaper, are you interested?" " I'm not interested!" "35 thrice!" "Sold!" "This one is the most beautiful!" "Here is the most interesting part of the auction today!" "Noble, niece of the governor, beautiful mien, untouched." "Starting price: 100 gold piasters." "99!" " 120!" "I said 99!" " Understood, Master." "Just a gesture." "Of course, there aren't any other offers, right?" "No!" "Courage!" " Courage, me?" "What a laugh!" "130!" "Louder!" " Louder?" "140, 150, 160!" "2 lire!" "Who's that?" " A certain José." "How many brothers do you have?" "Only son of widowed mother!" "A pity!" " Why?" "If you had some, it wouldn't be enough to fight with me." "Oh, really?" "And how many brothers do you have?" " 18." "Lovely family.." " Sure. - .. of boors!" "Enough!" "One of us is too much." " Are you leaving?" "Me?" "I'm here at your disposal." " Really?" "Then go buy me some cigarettes." "I like unfiltered." "I'll wash this insult with blood." " And iron it with butter." "Enough!" "Now let's see what your guts look like!" "I'll explain." "I have them all rolled around through here, looks like appendicitis." "You take advantage because you're bigger!" "It's not right." "It's not right." "Oh, yeah?" " Yeah." " Wait!" "Take off my boots!" "Surrender!" "Surrender?" "Why?" "That's why!" "En garde!" "You're dead!" "Dead!" "Die!" "Die!" "Die!" "Die!" "Die!" "Die!" "Die!" "Die!" "Die!" "Die!" "Occupied!" "Surrender!" " Me?" "Why?" "You're dead!" "You're dead!" "You're dead!" "Here they are!" "Where are we now?" " We're in the 15th minute of the match." "The fate is uncertain." "José escapes." "Look!" "Reaper comes in." "José is disarmed." "The two champions ran three laps on the track." "Magnificent!" "What strength!" "José, I'll be yours if you win!" "Courage!" "Good hit!" "It's the first kick from that corner of the match." "Bravo!" " Don't worry, Olivia." "I win for you." "We're in the final minutes." "José is in top form, the Grim Reaper is strangely hesitant." "When will you finish him?" "If you don't kill him quick, you won't be master but him!" "I'll kill you!" "I'll kill you!" "Mama!" "Bang, bang!" "Die!" "Die!" "Die!" "Die!" "Magnificent!" "With a secret strike, at the most critical moment," "José has defeated his opponent, the crowd carries him on their shoulders!" "He receives kisses left and right!" "Turtle Island has a new champion:" "José Brambilla of the Carabe Sea!" "Remember this!" "End of the transmission." "Quick, hoist the mainsail!" "All my men aboard!" "Who likes me, follow me!" "Are you with me or with Reaper?" "If you're with me, on board!" "Traitors!" "It's no good, José!" " You be quiet and don't speak!" "Why?" " Because you're a vulgar braggart," ""iconoplastic" and "distemporaneous"." "And besides.." "Besides?" " And besides you're "impenetrashy", unfriendly and "supercalifragilistic expiallidocious" impure." "This time you won, José!" "And you leave with my ship and booty!" "But we're sailors and we'll meet on the sea again!" "And that day will be hot!" "Oh, really?" "Well, that day I'll take off my shirt." "On board!" "You are invited to attend the execution of the Governor at the Castle steps." "Funeral dress." "May I?" " Come in." "Excellency, I received the invitation and thank you for your exquisite attention." "Don't mention it." " I only want to ask you if you could excuse my absence?" "I've lots of things to do." "Don't be funny." "You know perfectly well it can't take place without you." "Can't you put it off for another day?" " No!" "It can be better planned.." " No!" "We could invite people from neighboring countries, have fireworks.." "No!" "Tomorrow at sunset!" "Courage!" "Loosen it a bit!" "Let's smash these traitors!" "Quick!" " Hook, we must sail in an hour." "Prepare enough tar, so I can roast these traitors alive!" "Meanwhile, José sailed peacefully." "Olivia, how beautiful you are today!" "Every day that passes, you're more beautiful!" "Today you're lovelier than yesterday, tomorrow you'll be more than today.." "Who knows how you'll look by 60!" "José, explain this mystery to me." " Which?" "Are you a pirate or an honest man?" " Well.." "Please, tell me." "Are you a pirate or an honest man?" "I'm an honest pirate." "What will you do with me?" "Where do you carry us?" "It's a secret:" "St. Genoveffa." " I don't believe you." "You don't?" "Come." "Tell her where we're going." " Frosinone!" "What Frosinone?" "St. Genoveffa!" "Fine!" "We'll go to St. Genoveffa then.." "Are you happy now?" " What does Lupita mean to you?" "Nothing!" "Nothing at all!" "Time for the daily mutiny at 3:30!" "Go in, it's not a sight for you." "Let's see, this is the third mutiny today!" "This morning, you "mutinized" because you wanted eggs and ham." "At noon you "mutinized" because you wanted straw hats." "What do you want now?" " A war anthem!" "Yes!" "We can't fight a war without an anthem!" "A war anthem?" " Yes, to fight!" "Grim Reaper had made us a nice one!" "Lovely!" "Then s..s..s sing it!" "How clever!" "And he has the copyright!" "Oh, right!" "Wait a moment, I'll be right back." "See if you like this.." "# Pim piripipimpí, pimpi, piripipí pin!" "# Let us go on board, pirates of death," "# We are the terrible retinue of terror!" "Is it good?" " Yes!" "Let's change a few words.." "# Pem, peperepepem, peperepepem, pepem pepe.." "# Pom, poporopopom, poporopopom, popom popo!" "# Let us go on board, pirates of death," "# We are the terrible retinue of terror!" "# But if at night, in the middle of the fray, # somebody plays dumb, death to that rascal!" "# Our battle cry is:" " Dindín, don della!" "# Down with the bad!" " Dindirín, dondán!" "# Let us go on board, pirates of death," "# Open the door and let us in!" "# Dindirín dondera, dindirindín Donda!" "# Dindiridín dondera, dindiridín Donda!" "#" "With this song, we'll win all the battles!" "But you got to get that bell to ring, José." "If you don't play it, these ones will never sing." "What's that?" "The typical mermaid, eh?" "Gentlemen, I'm here!" "Bring me up!" "Look who's here!" "It's the fatty." " The fatty?" "What should I do?" " Bring her on!" "# A pirate I may be, little fairy, but I know how to love." "# The ship sails silently, kissed by a moonbeam." "# Twinkles, a star in the sky and the hearts feel themselves stir." "# It's the hour that all the laments come to us again." "# And we stare dreamily into the distance because.." "# Far away, we all have a home, # we all have a wife # hoping, waiting.." "# While a lighthouse illuminates the sea, # we dream that from afar # a pale mother keeps the flame warm for us.." "What time is it?" "This is the time you want to soften the hearts the sailors." "Then it's soon." "# we all have a wife" "# How sad.." "the waiting" "Soften them up all you can." "Put in a house, an expecting mama, a llama, the Dalai Lama.." "And a hot mama never hurts." "# From the near and distant shores, such sweet languor, # arrives the echo from fountains murmuring to the heart," "# a voice that you know invites us to pray, # seems to say one who expects nothing, "Come back.."" "# Far away, we all have a home, # we all have a wife" "What a beautiful song, eh!" "Olivia, why do you treat me so coldly?" "The other day when I beat the Grim Reaper," "I thought I saw in your eyes a little love." "Love?" "Go talk love to her!" "Di.. di.. did you hear that?" "You don't know treat women, listen to Lupita." "How is it done, how is it done?" "Can I have a "lessen"?" "Willingly." "Shall we start right away?" " Yes!" "No, one moment!" "Pirates are here." "# we all have a wife" "# How sad.." "# the waiting." "Come, let's all go to bed!" "And don't play the nonsense with the knife throwing!" "Come, to bed!" "Begin, begin!" "We start with the most important part:" "the kiss." "Put your right hand on the left hip and the left on the neck." "On the neck?" "Like this?" " No, my neck." "No.. no.." "José!" " What is it?" " Come here!" "No, no, no!" "Not now!" "I'm studying!" "OK, but the pirates won't go to sleep unless you wish them good night." "These pirates are such nice guys, but so high maintenance!" "Will you wait a moment?" "Shame!" "Get in your beds!" "Hurry!" "Good night." " Hush!" "Stick out your tongue!" "Castor oil, castor oil!" "Ting!" "Tong!" "Why don't you sleep?" " "He who sleeps catches no fish."" "Here." " Thanks." "Eh, eh, eh, drunkard!" "Give it here!" "Six." "Four." " How much are you playing for?" "5 piasters." " I'm in." "Three!" "How many times must I say no gambling!" "Go on!" "Off to bed!" "Sweet dreams!" " Thanks." "You!" "You!" "Damn fatty!" "Take her to the women's quarters." "I'm ready!" "One: right hand on the hip and two: on the neck.." "Three: rotate the torso and four: the kiss." "Got it." "One, two, three.. four." "Let's do it again." "One, two, three, four." "One, two, three, four." "Three, four." "One, two, three and four." "I'm taking notes.." "One, two, three, four." "Thanks for the lesson." "Goodnight." " Goodnight." "Good night." ".. but at dawn the Grim Reaper sighted his uncompromising adversary." "Have they spotted us?" " Apparently not." "Let's give them a wake up call!" "Fire!" "Why don't they respond?" "Shoot them broadside!" "A ball!" "Cannonballs!" "Cannonballs!" "A-a-a-rtillery, gunners!" "To your posts!" "Fire!" "You're not moving?" " We want our song." "Of course, that's how the Grim Reaper did it!" " A song.." "Sing it and we will follow you!" " Wait! "Pippo.."" "Just a moment!" "Olivia, go down below." "Here we fight and I'm ready to die for you!" "You're already dead to me!" " What?" "I hope you never come back to say one thing!" "Traitors!" "Sing!" "Sing!" " Sing, José, sing!" "I don't feel like singing!" "If you don't start our war anthem, they won't move!" "We'll all get killed!" "Why should I care about life when my love is dead?" "Look, Jose!" "Sing, José!" "Sing!" "Sing!" "Give us a tune!" "Only thus can we be saved!" "Countess.." "what is life after all?" "The shadow of a fleeting dream." "He's crazy!" "He called me Countess." "Look, they're here!" "They're getting ready to board!" "Sing, José!" "What do I care?" "What do I care?" "Olivia doesn't love me!" "Olivia, save us!" "Save us!" "Save us, Olivia!" " Why doesn't she go?" "What did you say?" "You think I didn't see you kiss last night?" " No!" "Jose!" "Jose, I know all!" "Forgive me!" "Win!" "I love you!" "You love me?" "She loves me!" "Olivia loves me!" " Now, it's too late." "It's too late?" "# Pimpi, piripipimpí, piripipimpí, pimpi pin!" "# Pimpi, piripipimpí, piripipimpí, pimpi pin!" "# Let us go on board, pirates of death," "# Open the door and let us in!" "# Let us go on board, pirates of death," "# Open the door and let us in!" "# Pin, piripiri, piripín, pin pin!" "# Let us go on board, pirates of death," "# Open the door and let us in!" "Do you have any last requests?" " Yes." "I'd like to make a will." " Granted." "Today, September 10, 1795, still sound of mind and body," "I, the aforementioned Don Juan Ramirez and Silos and Fontana and Condominio Mendoza and Martigara and Brambillacca and Catilina and Marquis de Zaragoza.." "Hurry, men of the sea, the governor's niece is watching!" "Damn!" "This is getting serious!" "I'll need to see clearly." "..and Filinas and Aguilar de San Polar and of the Grandee of Spain, bequeath all my possessions to my niece Olivia Ramirez de Silos and Fontana and Condominio Mendoza and Martigara and Brambillacca and Catilina and the Marquise de Zaragoza and Gabella and Frascais.." "You've offended me!" " And you, me!" "So then.." "let's go!" " Let's go!" "..and Cartonera and Fillidas and Espartolera and the Marquis di Santalar and the Grandee of Spain." "I hope you're finished!" " A moment, Your Highness!" "There's just my collection of 750 snuff boxes." "and with your permission, I bequeath.." "Enough of those long names, eh?" " Yes, Your Highness." "The first one, of the 750, I bequeath to Don Pedro Luis..." "The second, Conchita the third, Pablo Ribot, the fourth to that son of a bitch, Don José.." "Gentlemen, please show the most knightly manners." "Attention!" "One.." "Two.." "Three.." "Go!" "The torches." "You're dead!" "You're dead!" "Fire!" "You're dead!" "You're dead!" "He disappeared!" " Where is he?" "The Reaper!" "And you.. where are you going?" "The truth is.." "I'd like to enter.. heaven.." "You in heaven?" "Get out!" "..and the 750th I bequeath to.." "who will I bequeath it to?" "Who will I bequeath it too?" " Make up your mind!" "I bequeath it to nobody!" " What?" "I've never even had a snuffbox in the first place!" "So, you were fooling me?" " Yes, and didn't you realize it?" "No!" "Say no more:" "You're a true retard!" "Hangman!" " Frig the hangman!" "Now that I've said my say, I'll hang myself!" "Hey, what are you doing there?" "We're in love and are getting married." " That remains to be seen, young man!" "Won't you give me permission?" " No." "Yes!" "Yes!" " You.. you.. you give it willingly?" "No!" " Yes!" "Yes!" "Are you really sure?" "Yes!" "Yes!" "I'm quite moved!" "I'm so moved that I feel a lump in my throat!" "The End" "English subtitles by sineintegral@KG."