"* From Mayfair to Park Lane" "* You will hear the same refrain" "* In every house again, again" "You rang m'lord?" "* Stepping out on the town" "* The social whirl goes round and round" "* The rich are up, the poor are down" "You rang, m'lord?" "* The bunny hug at the Shim-Sham Club" "* The Charleston at The Ritz" "* And at the Troc, do the turkey trot" "* They give Aunt Maud a thousand fits" "* Saucy flappers in cloche hats" "* Natty chappies in white spats" "* The upper set is going bats" "You rang, m'lord?" "(* Jazz on gramophone)" "I say, Cissy, your Uncle Teddy and Madge Cartwright are dancing closely." "Closely?" "She' got him in a jujitsu hold." "She's potty about him, isn't she?" "Yes." "It's a shame he isn't potty about her." "Daddy's given him an ultimatum - either he proposes to her or be sent to our rubber plantation in the jungle." "Oh, well, she's quite well set up and your Uncle Teddy is a bit of a ladies' man, isn't he?" "No, not ladies, actually, more of a housemaids' man." "Teddy, you're dancing absolutely divinely." "Thanks awfully." "Where did you learn all those slinky slidey movements?" "As a matter of fact, we used to have ballroom dancing lessons at Eton." "My partner was rather good." "He's a name at Lloyds now." "Come to think of it, he was quite a name at Eton." "Anyone ever tell you..." "you have a very sensual face." "Well, not actually." "There's an air of mystery about you." "I sometimes feel you have a fire burning inside you." "I've got a bit of a temperature." "I know a way to bring it down." " Oh, what's that?" " (Whispers)" "I say, steady on." "Why do you keep looking at the clock?" "Am I boring you?" "No, not at the moment." "The car will be here soon to take us to the Kit Kat Club." " Jerry, are you tiddly?" " Of course not." "You were staggering." "I never stagger when I drink vintage champagne." "I just pass out. (Laughs)" "Why are you such a silly arse?" "It isn't easy, I have to work damn hard at it." "Do you wish me to open the champagne, Miss Poppy?" " No, Jerry will do it, won't you Jerry?" " Oh, absolutely, ooja come spiff." "James, don't go away." "I've saved this dance for you." "Please, miss." "Don't be pompous." "Hold me properly." " Don't you like to do the quickstep?" " Yes, I do, miss." "Don't you just adore having a beautiful woman like me in your arms?" "Well, I'm not really beautiful." "Rather ordinary, actually." "You're not ordinary, miss, you are beautiful." "Thank you, James." "You're such a powerful...muscular man and I'm such a frail little thing in your arms... but I feel safe." "I know you'd protect me from anything." "(Jerry) I say, Poppy!" "Except him, of course." "I'd much rather spend the evening with you but I can't." "Cheerio." "Put those canapés in the lift, Henry." "Yes, Mrs Lipton." "They've got enough up there." "Put 'em back on the table, we'll have 'em." "Who's for champagne?" "Won't his lordship be cross if we drink his champagne?" "He's not 'ere is he?" "It's a dud bottle - there's no fizz - look, you can see through the glass." "Oh!" "Whoops-a-daisy!" "Never mind, we'll have to drink it now." "You're right to test it." "You can't risk serving his lordship flat champagne." "I can't remember last time I had a glass of champagne." "You're not having one now." "It doesn't mix with brown ale." "I haven't had any brown ale." "There's a drop in the bottle on the side, help yourself." "That'll be nice." "Can I have some?" "No, it'll make you drunk." "Plenty of water in the tap, Henry." "That'll be nice." "Oh, I don't want any - tastes sour to me." "I'd rather have me cup of cocoa." "All the more for us." " How's it going?" " They're enjoying themselves." "Fancy a glass of champagne?" " No, thank you." " Please yourself." "When I want to drink champagne, I shall pay for it myself." "Are they all having a lovely time up there, Mr Twelvetrees?" "Quite nice." " When the cat's away, the mice will play." " Where's his lordship gone?" " Least said, soonest mended." " He's out with his fancy woman." "Lady Agatha is not a fancy woman." "Well, his lordship fancies her." "It's a pity Mr Teddy doesn't fancy Miss Cartwright." " Has he proposed to her yet?" " That's no concern of ours, Mrs Lipton." "I think it is my concern, Mr Twelvetrees," "I've known Mr Teddy since he was a little boy." "I think it's very cruel of his lordship to make him marry someone he doesn't love." "Handsome is as handsome does." "What's that got to do with it?" "I dunno." "Any more champagne in that bottle, Mr Stokes?" " (Car horn)" " Oh." "That'll be their motor." "I'll have to help them into the car." "They're going to the Kit Kat Club." "Bright young things stepping' out on the town." "What an exciting life they lead." "Mabel...put it back." "(Car horn)" "That's the car again." " Take the record off, Jerry." " Righto." "The car's here and Teddy hasn't proposed yet." "I'll talk to him." "Come on everybody, if we're going." "Teddy, you have got to do it now." " Can't I wait till we get to the club?" " No." "You know what Daddy said." "Either you propose to her tonight or it's the jungle tomorrow." "Madge, Teddy has something to say to you." "What is it, Teddy?" "Oh..." "Hello." "What did you want to say?" "Well...the fact is, old girl, we've known each other for donkeys' years..." "Don't say another word." "I know what you're feeling inside, I know what I'm feeling inside." "Let's drop all this foolish pretence." "Let's face it..." "I was made for you, you were made for me." "You're a man..." "I'm a woman..." "We both have a white-hot burning desire for each other." "That's what you wanted to say, wasn't it?" "Um...more or less." "Good, that's settled, then." "Let me take you in my arms and kiss you." "Oh, very well." "Oh!" "Ohh!" " Shall I take Miss Cartwright's coat in?" " They're having a private conversation." " Did you tell him?" " Yes." " Do you think he's done it?" " I doubt it." "We better go on." "Teddy and I have something to tell you." "Haven't we, Teddy bear?" "Yes, I suppose so." "You'll never guess, it was the biggest surprise of my life " "Teddy went down on his knees and asked me to marry him." " Aren't I a lucky girl?" " Oh, congratulations." "Well done." " Congratulations, sir." " Thank you." "Now we have got something to celebrate." "Come on, everybody, let's get to the Kit Kat Club and drown in champagne." "I say, Poppy, old thing." "I suppose...while we're at it you wouldn't like to marry me, would you?" "Don't be silly, Jerry, I'm not going to get married for ages." "I've bushels of wild oats to sow." "Oh." "All right, then." "Oh, James, help me into my cloak." "Would it be in order to open a bottle of his lordship's wine, sir, for the staff to celebrate this happy event?" "Oh, why not?" "Let's make it two, eh, Teddy?" "Yes, why not?" ""Would it be in order to open a bottle of his lordship's wine?"" "What about the bottles you open without a by your leave?" " You're not starting, are you?" " Yes, I am starting." "I'm not gonna stand by while you go on cheating his lordship." "Oh, please, don't tell him off." "Take no notice, Ivy, he's a bag o' wind." "You'll go too far, Alf Stokes." "You helped yourself to some of Lady Lavender's money." " Prove it." " You hid it in that vase." " Prove it." " I saw you trying to get the notes out with a stick with treacle on the end." "Then I saw you try to suck it out with a vacuum cleaner." "And I could tell by the look on your face when the bishop took the vase for his charity auction." "Dad, you didn't take it, did you?" "Supposing I did, they've got plenty." "Lady Lavender was giving it away right, left and centre - she was even chucking it out the window." "Why shouldn't I have my bit?" "Because it's stealing." "It is not stealing, it is the redistribution of wealth." "Dad, you promised." " I did not." " You did!" "You looked me in the eye and said "I give you my solemn word" ""that none of those notes will go into my pocket."" "They didn't, did they?" "According to him, they went into the vase." "Well, you've lost them." "The bishop took that vase for his charity and it serves you right." " (Ringing)" " There's the telephone." "That is correct, Ivy." "Who'd want to ring up at this time of night?" "Lord Meldrum's residence." "Ralph Shawcross here." "Who's that?" " Stokes, the butler." " You're a damn villain." " Where's my wife?" " I beg your pardon, sir." "She's there, with that fornicating employer of yours, isn't she?" "I can assure you that Lady Agatha is not here, sir." "You have my word for it." "We all know what that's worth." "I want to speak to him." "Put him on." "Very well, sir, hold the line." "Excuse me, my lord, Sir Ralph Shawcross is on the line." "(lmitates plummy voice)" "I shall convey your message to Sir Ralph forthwith." "His lordship says telephone him in the morning." "He is performing his evening prayers prior to retiring to bed." "Yes, he needs to say his prayers - licentious lounge lizard." "Would you like me to convey a message, sir?" "Yes, tell him if he doesn't stop doing what he's doing with who he's doing it with, I'll make sure he can't do it any more." "That's assuming he's capable of doing it in the first place." "Good night." "Good night, sir." "What did he say?" "I think if his lordship doesn't watch out, Sir Ralph will do him a mischief." "I don't understand you, Alf Stokes." "One minute you steal from his lordship, and the next you cover up for him." "When you are experienced enough to understand the duties of a butler, James Twelvetrees, you will realise that I am being a devoted servant, protecting my master at all times." "If in an absent-minded way he fails to pay me enough money to compensate for this devotion, it is up to me to make the necessary adjustments." " By stealing." " I shall ignore that remark." "I am going to bed." "You wait up for his lordship and clear up in 'ere." "What are we going to do about him, Mr Twelvetrees?" "I love him but he doesn't know the difference between right and wrong." "I don't know, Ivy, it's a problem." "If it wasn't for you, I'd have denounced him to his lordship long ago." "But his lordship's just as bad." "Carrying on with Lady Agatha and lying to her husband." "My dad's no worse than his lordship." "We have to make allowances for the aristocracy." "Why?" "Well, they live in a different world to the likes of you and me, Ivy." "Their attitude towards marriage and that sort of thing is a little more flexible." "His lordship steals as well." "Ivy, what are you saying?" "He does!" "He made us get that money off Lady Lav and give it to him." "She didn't give permission - that's stealing." "He wanted to put it in the safe." "She was throwing it out of the window." "Why shouldn't she, it's her money?" "Oh, I don't know, Ivy." "Sometimes it seems there's one law for the rich, another for the poor." "You're not turning into a socialist, are you?" "You may go to bed, Ivy." "Yes, Mr Twelvetrees." "I've confused you, haven't I?" "Good night, Ivy." "(Gasps)" "Where have you been, my girl?" " I've been with Barbara." " Until two in the morning?" "She's ill." "Do you usually visit sick girlfriends in an evening gown cut halfway down your back?" "She wasn't ill when I went to see her." "We were going to the opera." "Then she got ill, before we went." "Come here, my girl." "Come here." "Come on." "You smell of cigar smoke." "The doctor was smoking a cigar." "What doctor?" "The doctor I called after I put her to bed." "The doctor came into the sick room smoking a cigar?" "He'd just come from his club." "Your friend, Meldrum, smokes those cheap cigars." " They go to the same club." " Liar." "Ralph..." "don't you trust your little Aggie?" "No one's going to have you but me." "I want you every day and night - all day and night." "I'll kill anyone who looks at you." "Oh!" " Good morning, Teddy." " Is it?" "I hear you proposed to Madge last night." "Yes, I did." "Then we went to the Kit Kat Club to celebrate." " We had a spiffing time, didn't we?" " No, we did not." "Madge is a goer." "I thought she'd have her way with you on the dance floor." "Cissy, please, not at the breakfast table." "She's like an octopus." "Her hands were all over me." "Good, you need a strong woman." "Strong woman?" "She's like a bally weightlifter." "I think she's rather fun." "She really livens things up." "She leapt onto the bandstand, grabbed the megaphone and sang." "Yes, she's got a great loud voice." "She looked straight at me and sang I Love My Baby, My Baby Loves Me." "I pretended I didn't know her." "And then, she crossed over, kissed me full on the lips and shouted "This man is mine!"" "I could've died." "Did you have a nice evening with Lady Agatha, Daddy?" "I wasn't with Lady Agatha." "What gave you that idea?" "I haven't seen her for ages." "No, I went to visit a sick friend." "In top hat and tails?" "Well, we went to the opera and he was taken ill halfway through." "Butterfly At The Garden?" " That's right." " They were doing Carmen." "I wondered why they were all wearing Spanish costumes." "You're blushing, Daddy." "You're telling a fib." "We don't mind you having a fling, so long as Sir Ralph doesn't cut up rough." " (Telephone)" " All right, I admit it, we were quite friendly in the past, but now it's all over." "Sir Ralph Shawcross is on the telephone, sir." " Tell him I've gone to the city." " It is Saturday, sir." "Oh, yes, so it is." "Tell him I've gone to the, erm..." "Where do people go on a Saturday?" "I don't know and I don't care." "It's all right for you to play fast and loose, isn't it?" "I've got to marry a bally octopus with a voice like a foghorn, instead of a nice little lady's maid with a shiny scrubbed face, white apron and black stockings and..." "Oh, my God!" "Sir Ralph is still on the telephone, sir." "Shall I tell him you'll see him at the bishop's auction?" " Yes, good idea." " Very good, m'lord." "I thought you weren't going to the auction." "I'm not." "Daddy doesn't want to go in case nobody buys those awful vases we gave." "Sir Ralph might biff him on the conk for trifling with his wife's affections." "Cissy, leave the room." "(Parrot) Come in." "(Lady Lavender) Oh, shut up." "Come in." "(Parrot) Oh, shut up." "Come in." "I brought your breakfast, Lady Lavender." "It's devilled kidneys, but please don't throw them at me cos I'm down to me last apron." "You're quite safe." "I like devilled kidneys but you might have to dodge the porridge." "Now, Ethel, is that Constable Wilson still downstairs?" " Yes, m'lady." " Good." "Send him up to me." "Why?" "Is anything wrong?" "I think I'm being systematically robbed by my son-in-law." "What, Lord Meldrum?" "He's been short of money ever since the bottom dropped out of the slave market." "Oh, I see." " I'll ask the Constable to come up." " Good." "Dodge!" "Hit it, Henry." "Hit it proper, you're doing it all wishy-washy." "I'll show you." "Oh, you are strong, ain't ya?" "Not really." "I just imagine I'm hitting 'er face." " Whose face?" " Don't let on." "Mrs Lipton's." "You've been a long time, Constable Wilson." "I'm just pouring a cup of tea." "Henry, Mabel, tea." "I don't like it, I don't like it at all." "What's going on, then?" "I'm sorry, but I shall have to question the whole staff." "You do sound serious." "It is serious, Mrs Lipton, very serious." "Have a cup of tea." "I cannot have tea while I'm on duty." "Oh, so you're on duty, are you?" "Mr Stokes, I've been coming here for years as a friend, but for the next half-hour," "I shall have to be wearing my official policeman's hat." "It's a hypothetical hat, Henry." "Lady Lavender has made a statement in which she alleges that a large sum of money in a brown suitcase has been stolen by a person or persons unknown, under her bed." "What was persons unknown doing under her bed?" "You saw what happened - she was chucking all her money out the window." "She couldn't keep it." "She's not right in the head." "You may think she's off her rocker, Mr Stokes, but until a qualified person signs an official certificate to the effect that she's doolally-tap, that money belongs to her, and the person or persons who knocked it off is a thief." "His lordship ordered me to take it." "Even if that's true, Ivy, that makes you an accessory before, during and after the fact." "Ivy was carrying out his lordship's instructions." "Thank you, Mr Twelvetrees." "It would be better, Constable Wilson, if we all told you exactly what happened." "Right, who's going first?" "Before you write anything down, I want to make it quite clear that I never saw nor handled the money." "I had no part in its purloining." "I didn't do no purloining neither." "I don't even know what it means." "Hold your tongue, Henry." "You start, Ivy." "Statement by Ivy Teasdale." "Well, I went into her room and told her the organ grinder wanted to talk to her." " Did he?" " No, I made it up." "You lied?" "Well, I had to make her look out of the window." "So there was no organ grinder." "No." "Right, no organ grinder." "Go on." "Then I shut the window down on her so she couldn't turn round." "You shut the window down on a poor old, frail lady?" " Well, I had to." " You shouldn't have done that, Ivy." "I'm seeing a different side of your character, Ivy." "I must say I'm surprised." "Well, what else could I do?" "Needs must when the devil drives, that's what I always say." "Trapped frail old lady in window." "It wasn't like that." "I only squeezed her gently." "Did she cry out?" "Well, she went, "Ohh!"" "She went, "Oh-oh-oh."" "You're making it sound awful." "I have to write it down, it's the law." "What happened next?" " I grabbed the case with the money in it." " Well, that's it, then." "Need we go any further?" "I didn't keep it." "I handed it to Mr Stokes on the landing and shut the door." "Is that correct, Mr Stokes?" "Of course it is." "So, you took the money, while you were alone standing on the landing?" " Yes." " What did you do with it?" "That's a good question, Mr Stokes." "What did you do with it?" "Pausing briefly outside the door to ensure that her ladyship was unharmed," "I immediately obeyed his lordship's instructions to take the money downstairs without delay, so it could be counted and put in the safe." "You did not open the case" " to ensure the money was there?" " Certainly not!" " You took it straight down?" " I took it straight down to his lordship." "lsn't that right, James?" "I was at the bottom of the stairs with his lordship and we took the money into the dining room and counted it." " What happened then?" " His lordship put it in the safe." " So, his lordship finished up with it?" " Yes." "I'm sure his lordship acted in Lady Lavender's best interests." " That's settled then." " Not quite." "The complaint has been made, money's been taken and I am a police officer." "I think the best thing to do is see his lordship to decide whether I make out a report or hush the whole thing up." "Take me up, please, Mr Stokes." "Come on." "I didn't want to take the money in the first place." "You know that, Mr Twelvetrees." "You were doing as you were told, Ivy." "It's obvious no crime's been committed." "His lordship was acting in Lady Lavender's best interests." "The only reason that copper's gone up to his lordship is to get a few quid to keep his mouth shut." "You're not paid thruppence an hour to stand around gossiping." "Get back to your carpet and beat it...hard." "Be a pleasure, Mrs Lipton." "Thank you, m'lord." "I think I can promise you'll hear no more about it." "Everything settled, Constable?" "Just a storm in a teacup, Mr Stokes." "Yes, of course." "I shan't be staying to lunch." "I'm having it at No.24 - they have salmon on Saturdays." "Excuse me, my lord, would it be in order for me to have time off this afternoon?" "I'd like to attend the bishop's auction." " Yes, if you wish." " Will you be going, sir?" "No, I don't think so." "Just let me know how much those vases fetch." "I'm glad to get them out of the house." "Are they worth very much, sir?" "No." "Seeing as it's charity, they might fetch a fiver a piece." "I tell you what, here's half a crown, buy something on my behalf." "Very generous of you, my lord." "Who's doing all the fetching and carrying ?" "I expect Sir Ralph's staff will attend to it, sir." "Take young Henry along." "He's a good strong lad - he can help." "We've got to support the bishop." "Will he be carrying out the wedding ceremony for Mr Teddy, sir?" "Probably." "Poor Teddy." "I'm more concerned about who's gonna carry him in." "Yes, sir." "(Knocks on door)" " Who is it?" " It's me, Blanche, Alf." "Just a minute." "Come in." "You don't usually visit me in the afternoon." " I was going to have 40 winks." " I had to see you." " Well, sit yourself down." " It's about you and me." "Oh, has your divorce come through?" "No, Blanche, there's a problem." "Won't your wife agree?" "No, it's not 'er, it's the solicitors." "He doesn't want more money, does he?" "I've loaned you L60 already." "Oh, yes, thanks for reminding me, Blanche." "Here's a pound." "Now I only owe you 59." "You see, the trouble is, it's not the solicitors, it's the government." "A degree Nassau has to have three copies - one for the wife, one for me and one for the records and each one has to have a stamp on it - a five-pound stamp." "Oh, isn't that wicked?" "It's daylight robbery, if you ask me." "That's governments for you." "Well, never you mind, Alf," "I'll be round at the post office first thing Monday morning for a postal order." " You can get it off right away." " Oh, no, that won't do at all, Blanche." "I've got to take it round this afternoon, personal." "But, but it's Saturday." "Solicitor's offices don't open on Saturday afternoons." "Well, not as a rule but I was in the army with this one." "Oh, did you save his life as well?" "Er, no, but he's a good friend and he was so upset about the delay that he phoned me to tell me he'd go to the office this afternoon just for me." "Oh, Alf, you could charm the birds off the trees." "Well, up you get." "Now, Alf... before I give you this L15..." "I want you to give me something." "I'm supposed to be there by three o'clock, Blanche." "No, no, no, I just want a little token of your intentions." "Oh, you mean you want me to sign a bit of paper?" "No, no, no." "I want a ring." "But Blanche, it's Saturday, all the jewellers are shut." "No, you don't have to go to a jewellers and buy me anything..." "Oh, that won't come off." "Let me try." "Ahh!" "Wait a minute." "I know what we'll use." "It's only a cheap bit of brass, Blanche, but it comes straight from my heart." "Oh, Alf!" "Oh, you're so romantic." "This is all I need." "This means more to me than the crown jewels." "That's what I like about you, Blanche, it doesn't take much to keep you happy." "No, I'm a simple woman with simple needs." "I don't ask for nothing." "Mind you, if anyone crosses me, they'll see another side to my nature." "I'll remember that, Blanche." "(Sighs)" "It's no good, Cissy, I can't wear trousers." "You haven't got the right-shaped behind." "There's nothing wrong with my B-T-M." "At least I have one, which is more than can be said for some people." "(Knock on door)" " Are you decent?" " Yes, come in, Teddy." "We're just trying on some clothes and Poppy's being her usual bitchy self." "I must speak to somebody." "My whole life has become a sham." "A hollow charade." "How can I marry someone I don't love?" "You can't get out of it now." "Daddy'd pack you off to Malaya." "But it's so unfair." "Why shouldn't I marry a servant girl?" "Think of the advantages - she'd cost nothing to dress and she'd keep the house clean." "Do be sensible, Uncle Teddy, you'd be a social outcast." "Well, who cares?" "Am I to spend the rest of my life miserable with a love that is not love, or happy, with a love that dare not speak its name?" " That's what Oscar Wilde said." " Did he want to marry a servant girl?" "Not exactly." "I know how you feel, Teddy." "Most of the chaps I go out with are absolute wets." "Poppy's mad about James." "James who?" " The footman." " But he's a servant." " Well?" " Oh, I see what you mean." "Do you think it's in the blood?" "Do you think it runs in the family?" "One of our relations ran off with a gamekeeper." " Which one?" " Lord Cedric." "Oh, you're no help at all." "* Next Monday morning is my wedding day" "* Next Monday morning, the band begins to play" "* Dear little Alfie, he will be mine" "* We're going to blow the candle out at half past nine" "* Next Monday... *" "Oh, there'll be a cup of tea in a minute, I'm just hotting the pot." "His lordship didn't want any tea." "Do you think the rest of the family'll be back?" "No, they've all gone to the pictures." "They're going to see Anna May Wong in The Chinese Parrot." "Good, that'll just be us, then." "Have you seen Henry?" "He's gone with Mr Stokes to the bishop's auction." "The bishop's auction - what for?" "His lordship sent them to help with carrying things and things like that." "Oh, I see, he's just gone to help?" "Yes." "Oh, and he said his lordship gave him half a crown to buy something on his behalf." "I expect he'll put some of his own money in - he's like that, isn't he, for charity?" "Oh, dear, the caddy's empty." "I must get some more." "They've gone to the auction." "I bet he's gone to try and get those vases back." "He hasn't got any money." "He tried to borrow off me." " He's got half a crown." " Will that be enough?" "I heard Miss Poppy say they'd fetch about L10, seeing as it's for charity." " He won't be able to get them, will he?" " No, he won't." "I'd love to be there to see his face when they're sold and he can't buy them." "Does he know which one's which?" "No, before the bishop took them away, he was shaking them and looking into them but he couldn't tell the difference." "I know he's me dad, but it serves him right." "It's a strange turn of fate, Ivy." "If we are right and the money is in one of them, it'll never be found." "Oh, doesn't it smell lovely when it's fresh?" " Get the cups, Ivy." " Yes, Mrs Lipton." "What's that other ring on your finger, Mrs Lipton?" "Oh, er..." "Oh, it's only an old brass curtain ring." "Mr Stokes gave it me." "Why did he do that?" "I expect it was just a joke." "Ah, yes, yes, he's always larking about, isn't he?" "Oh, well, I'll just tell you two but it must go no further." "It's a...symbol of a..." "little...understanding that we have." "What sort of understanding?" "Well, when certain arrangements have been made, you may see this replaced..." "with a gold one." "You mean you might get married?" "Oh, I'll say no more." "But he's married already." "Oh, yes, I know that, Ivy." "But he hasn't seen his wife for years and years and besides, the divorce will be through any minute." "Divorce?" "Yes, I've just given him L15 for the stamp duty on the degree Nassau." "You mean to say he's got L15 in cash in his pocket?" "Yes, he's going to take it to his solicitor this very day on the way to the auction." "Oh!" "What's the matter with her?" "I expect a biscuit went down the wrong way." "You've got to get to that auction." "He's got L15 in his pocket." "I don't care about the auction." "It's Mum." "How could he do it?" "It'll be the death of her." "Don't be silly, Ivy." "Don't you see?" "He just said that to Mrs Lipton to get the money off her." " D'you think so?" " Of course." "If he was really divorcing her, she'd have to know and sign papers." "Oh, what a relief." "Oh, I knew me dad wouldn't do a bad thing like that." "Ivy, to my certain knowledge, your father has lied, cheated, stolen, got money under false pretence - he's the biggest villain unhung." "Don't you dare talk about my dad like that!" "Come on, we're going to that auction." "Henry...put it down." "Come here." "Now, Henry, each lot has a number." "When the lord bishop calls out the number, you hold the article up and say "Lot showing here, m'lord." Can you do that?" "I think so." "Show me lot six." "I got a lot showing here, m'lord." "Was that right?" "No, Henry." "Just "Lot showing here, my lord."" "Lot showing here, my lord." "Here it is, lot four, three vases." "I've been asked by his lordship to buy these back." " What are you looking inside 'em for?" " I'm just testing, Henry." "These are known as black vases." "When you look inside, you're not supposed to be able to see anything." "Why?" "It's too technical, Henry, you wouldn't understand." "Listen, Robin, as soon as anyone buys a lot, they'll bring it to you and you take the money." "Do I give them a receipt?" "No, no, I don't think so." "Then they won't know which article they've purchased." "Well, it's all rubbish anyway." "Robin, there's a lot of moneyed people here this afternoon," "I'm going to do my best to bump them up." "I think I detect a steely tone in your voice, my lord." "You do, Robin, you do." "When the fate of my distressed gentlewomen is at stake," "I stop at nothing." "Look at the mess everyone's making." "Why can't people wipe their feet?" "Do you mind wiping your feet?" "What sort of homes do they come from, for God's sake?" "Don't get excited, Ralph." "You knew what would happen." "You shouldn't have let the bishop use the house." "I wasn't letting Meldrum get his picture all over the Tatler." "Agatha, camera." "I'm ready to start if that's all right." "Don't ask me, it's your function." "Do you mind taking your hat off in my house?" "Thank you very much." "Camera, Agatha, Agatha." " Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen." " (All) Good afternoon." "We've got lots and lots of, er, lots and they've all been donated to the cause by most generous people." "And I hope that you're going to dig deep into your pockets, except for the ladies, of course, who haven't got pockets." "Oh, before we proceed, may I take this opportunity to thank Sir Ralph and Lady Agatha for lending us their beautiful home." "Shall we show our appreciation?" "Camera, Agatha." "Now, the proceeds go to my home for distressed gentlewomen and one or two people have indicated that they'd like to visit my home for distressed gentlewomen, but it won't be possible to arrange that, because it would obviously cause more distr..." "Well, it would upset them too much." "Lot one." "I'm showing a lot, my lord." "One, stuffed birds in case." "They're owls." "They are indeed...owls." "Now, who'll get me going for ten shillings?" "They've started." "Here's the catalogue." "Here it is, three matching vases, the property of Lord Meldrum, lot four." "Let's go in and see if we can find Dad." "One pound ten, two pounds..." "There's Henry." "There's your dad at the back." "I'm going over there to give him a piece of my mind." " Lot three." " I can't find it." "It says here, gentleman's inflatable waistcoat for the use of sea travellers." "Oh, 'ere it is." "Ah." "Now, who'll say a pound?" "What are you doing here?" " You're after those vases, aren't you?" " I'm helping the bishop with his charity." "Dad, what's going on between you and Mrs Lipton?" "Will you be quiet?" "You're interrupting the proceedings." "Going, going...gone." "Lot, er..." "Lot four." " Showing here." " Three matching vases." "They're black vases." "They look coloured to me." "They're black inside." "You can't see nothing when you look inside 'em." "I don't suppose that's any real disadvantage." "You know what, I think I'll sell these separately." "Is that a good idea?" "Good." "We'll probably make more money for them that way." "I shall call them A, B and C." " Now, lot 4A." " Lot showing, m'lord." "We can see that, Henry." "Now, a pound anyone?" "A pound." "30 shillings." "Two pound." "Two pound ten." "Three pound." "Three pound ten." "Four pound." "Any advance on four pound?" "No?" "Four pound then, going, going, gone." "Sold to the gentleman at the back." " Look, Dad..." " Mind your own business, I'm busy." "Here's your four quid." "It's not in here." "It's the wrong one." "Oh, he's got that look of greed on his face." "I'm really enjoying this." " A similar vase." " Showing here." "A pound?" "The vase is the property of Lord Meldrum." "Why is he sending his butler to buy them?" " Why doesn't he come himself?" " I've no idea, Ralph." "I know, he's hoping to get them back cheaply." "Well, he won't get away with it." "Four pounds." "Four pound." "Five pound?" "Five pound." " Seven pounds." " Seven from Sir Ralph." "Eight pound, anyone?" "Why does Sir Ralph want them?" "Does he know Dad's hidden money inside them?" "Any minute now, your father won't have enough money and I'm very glad." "L15." "The bid is with Mr Stokes." "Now, do I hear L16?" "No?" "At L15 then, going, going, gone." " You haven't got L15." " Mind your own business." "Here, that's all there is." "I'll give you the rest in a minute." "It should be in here." "But it's not and you've got no more money." "Why are you buying them if you don't want them?" "I'm making a path." "He's really in trouble now." "Oh, poor Dad." "I don't know whether to be glad or sorry." " Vase C." " Showing here." " Five pounds." " Five pounds." "He's up to something." "Ten pounds." " Fifteen pounds." " Twenty pounds." " Twenty-one pounds." " He's gone mad." "He can't pay for it." " (Sir Ralph) Twenty-two pounds." " Twenty-three." " Dad, stop it." " (Sir Ralph) Twenty-five pounds." " You haven't got the money." " I'll get it, I'll get it." "Thirty." " Thirty-five pounds." " Forty pounds." "He can have it for forty pounds." "Oh, isn't this exciting?" "Forty pounds." "Forty pounds, going, going, gone." "Sold to Mr Stokes." "Now, lot five - a stuffed pike." "It's in there." "I know it's in there." "It's got to be in there!" "I knew it was, I knew it, I knew it." "Forty pounds you paid for that." "And you owe three pounds for the last one." "Right." "One, two, three, four..." "Mr Stokes, are you interested in the stuffed pike?" "He's not there." "What about you, sir Ralph?" "Half a crown." "It's a start, I suppose." "..38, 39, 40, 41 , 42..." "You need one more." "That's the lot." "You owe L43." "There is no more." "Then I'll lend you one." "It's me, Ivy." "It's been quite a day, hasn't it?" "I expect the bishop's been onto you already cos I know he says his prayers all the time, doesn't he?" "Thanks for not letting me dad get his hands on that money." "They say you work in mysterious ways, your wonders to perform." "You certainly do cos I didn't understand what was going on half the time." "Still, I'm glad the distressed gentlewomen got all the money, not that I know what they're distressed about." "I don't suppose it's anything naughty or the bishop wouldn't give it to them." "What else did I want to say?" "Oh, yes." "I hope Mr Teddy and Madge Cartwright make a go of it cos it'll stop him creeping upstairs and bothering me." "Oh, and one more thing." "If you could make Mr Twelvetrees like me just a little bit," "I'd be ever so grateful." "I don't expect him to kiss me or anything soppy like that." "Well, not yet, anyway." "A little smile would be a nice start." "That's all for now." "Good night." "Good night, Dorothy." "Ripped by malgabo Sync by sutyiboy" "* From Mayfair to Park Lane" "* You will hear the same refrain" "* In every house again, again" "You rang, m'lord?" "* Stepping out on the town" "* The social whirl goes round and round" "* The rich are up, the poor are down" "You rang, m'lord?" "* The bunny hug at the Shim-Sham Club" "* The Charleston at The Ritz" "* And at the Troc, do the turkey trot" "* They give Aunt Maud a thousand fits" "* Talking flicks are here today" "* And Lindbergh's from the USA" "* Poor Valentino's passed away..." "How sad, m'lord."