"♪ Thank you for being a friend" "♪ Traveled down the road and back again" "♪ Your heart is true" "♪ You're a pal and a confidant" "♪ And if you threw a party" "♪ Invited everyone you knew" "♪ You would see" "♪ The biggest gift would be from me" "♪ And the card attached would say" "♪ Thank you for being a friend ♪" ""Miami's sordid sex scene." "Who's to blame?"" "That's her." "She's the one." "Oh, no." "This isn't about Blanche." "Now that I'm associate producer of Wake Up Miami," "I have to come up with topical show ideas for sweeps week." "I need something that'll give us really big ratings." "And I will have you know there is nothin' sordid about my sex life." "Nothin'." "Oh, great, now I'm depressed." "You know what I hate about sweeps week?" "The news." "It's sex, sex, sex." "Why can't they do serious stories?" "Stories with political relevance?" "Yes, like, "Sex in the new Russia." ""Is it worth standing in line for?"" "Well, I've been working on a whole list of ideas that have nothing to do with sex, but they keep turning me down." "Oh?" "Like what?" "Well, things I think people would be interested in." "Like, "Who's in charge of cheese?"" "Or, "Lincoln:" "Great statesman or gas-guzzler?"" ""Idiots in positions of power."" "Good one." "Pussycat, what's short, wrinkly, and sticks out of my shoes?" "You." "No, my toes." "It's that time of year." "Mama needs a new pair of shoes." "Well, you've crapped out." "I am not taking you." "Dorothy, please, the little piggy that goes, "Wee, wee, wee,"" "doesn't have a nail on it anymore." "No way." "Well, Dorothy Zbornak, now, shame on you." "She is your mother." "She's 85-years-old and she wants a new pair of shoes." "How many more chances do you think you're gonna have to buy her shoes?" "Oh, what I would give to be able to buy my mother shoes one more time." "You wanna take her?" "Screw that, she's your mother." "I'm sorry, Sophia." "I know how you go on about shoes." "Honey, we both know what's gonna happen." "I take you down to Shimshack's, we walk in the door, and all the salesmen disappear." "I have to go to the back of the store and bribe them to come out and help you." "Please." "Those people love me." "For $10, they love you." "Without a tip, you're just another old lady wearing men's socks and a bad attitude." "They love me." "They hate you." "The last time they gave me a balloon." "You ripped that out of a kid's hand." "You're just upset because I won't take the first thing they bring out." "You don't take anything they bring out." "I took you." "Look, Ma, you know what I'm talking about." "You complain." "You belittle." "You know, Dorothy, I think maybe you're being too hard on her." "I know how difficult buying' shoes can be." "Sometimes you get yourself a really good-looking salesman and you try to pretend you don't notice his hands caressing your calf as he tries to keep his mind on shoes, but all the time he's thinking," ""Dare I peek?" ""Dare I look more?" ""Dare I look where no eyes have looked before?"" "And then, as he kneels there before you, little beads of perspiration breaking' out on his forehead, his breath comin' shorter and quicker," "he ever so gently slips the supple leather on your quivering foot," "and you achieve a perfect fit." "Come on, old woman, we need shoes now!" "(DOORBELL RINGING)" "Hello, Angelo." "Hello, Rose." "Is Dorothy here?" "Oh, no." "She went with Sophia to get shoes." "She hates taking Sophia for shoes." "I know, but Dorothy decided to go when Sophia and Blanche started talking about whether or not Sophia should put on underwear." "They said it'd be fun to scare the hell out of the shoe salesman." "Well, I've got to find Dorothy." "I've got big, big trouble at the apartment." "What's wrong?" "When the people moved out of 3C, they left food all over." "We're infested with big bugs." "It's terrible." "I--I feel like I'm living in a slum." "Now I'll never get a woman to come over to my place." "Not with these bugs." "Okay, and this body." "But mainly the bugs." "Angelo, take me to your apartment." "Bugs make you hot?" "We got big ones and millions of them." "No." "But I think it'd make a great story." "Old people living under terrible conditions." "Come on, we'll stop at the station and see if we can get a camera crew." "I want the whole city to see what you've been going through." "You mean I'm gonna be on TV?" "You bet." "Do I get to put on makeup?" "Well, sure." "Oh, boy!" "I mean, makeup, that's sissy stuff." "Thank God we're finished." "I never want to go through that again." "At least we got the shoes." "And the balloon." "And you didn't have to pay extra." "I just had to swear that I would never take you back again." "Shimshack makes you swear that every year." "In blood?" "Sophia, there's somethin' I don't understand." "Now, you're always a bit ornery, unpleasant, impolite, even downright mean." "That's part of your charm." "Thank you, you bed-hopping relic." "The point I'm trying to make is, your behavior in this shoe thing is extreme even for you." "What is goin' on?" "Well, Dorothy always makes me buy the same old lady shoes." "I never get anything new and exciting." "It's just another reminder of what old age takes away from you." "First husbands, then cute shoes." "What's old age gonna take away from me next?" "Hey, where's my balloon?" "Ma, you wear those shoes because they're the only shoes you say you can wear." "Whenever we get you other shoes, you say they're uncomfortable." "I'm cursed with these square feet." "When I was a girl in Sicily, we were too poor for shoes, so I wore olive oil cans." "Look, Ma, I don't wanna be the one to keep you from being happy." "If you really want new shoes, I'll take you." "Turn on the news." "What's going on, Rose?" "Oh, today is my lucky day." "While you were gone," "Angelo came over to tell you about these big bugs at his place." "Well, he didn't want to make a big deal of it." "He said he could try to pass them off as shellfish and sell them out of the back of his trunk," "but I thought it was a great story and so did my boss." "In fact, he's putting it on tonight's news." "Rose, please tell me you're kidding." "My boss said he wanted to expose Angelo's landlord for making him live under those terrible conditions." "But Angelo wouldn't give us his name." "A Sicilian never squeals." "Never." "Did you offer him money?" "No." "Never." "He wouldn't." "Well, it doesn't matter." "I mean, our research department will find that heartless Shylock." "And if they don't, I will." "I'm not gonna rest, I'm not gonna sleep," "I'm not gonna eat until I track that scum down." "Rose, I'm the scum." "Stan and I inherited that building." "I am Uncle Angelo's landlord." "Oh, Dorothy, I forgot." "(EXCLAIMS) I feel awful." "Just awful." "How could I have been so stupid?" "No, it's okay." "I missed the family angle." "He's your uncle." ""Niece makes uncle live in roach motel."" "Look, there's Angelo!" "Turn the sound up." "Quick." "ANGELO ON TV:" "As you can see, the bugs are really big and when I spray them, they appear to be laughing at us." "REPORTER:" "The question all Miami is asking is, who would make people live under these conditions?" "We have learned this vermin-infested squalor is owned by baked-potato-opener king, Stanley Zbornak, and his ex-wife, Dorothy Zbornak." "Dorothy, that's your picture!" "Oh, no." "Oh, look." "They put those little wiggly antennas on our heads." "(DOORBELL RINGING)" "What am I gonna do?" "How am I gonna face people?" "I told Stan I didn't want that building." "I didn't care about it." "I don't care about it now." "He's supposed to take care of all the maintenance." "You better get this straightened out, Rose." "Dorothy Zbornak?" "I'm Dorothy Zbornak." "I have a warrant for your arrest." "I'll have to ask you to come with me." "What for?" "Violation of the city's housing codes." "Lady, you're a slum lord." "Dorothy, don't worry." "We'll have you out of jail in no time." "I'll get the best attorney social security can buy." "My God, Dorothy, did you see all the reporters out there?" "I know." "This is becoming a media circus." "And they really hate you." ""The Big Bug Lady," they call you." "You deserve a better nickname." "I don't know, something like," ""Big Mean Landlady," or "Big Mean Dorothy."" "Something with "big mean."" "Dorothy, I am so excited." "I just got interviewed." "They asked me if you were clean at home." "I said, "Well, you won't find any crumbs in her bed." ""You won't find anything in her bed."" "Dorothy, Dorothy, how'd this happen?" "I feel so terrible." "Oh, it's not your fault." "Oh, thank you." "I'm proud of you, Angelo." "You didn't squeal." "Hey, I'm a Sicilian." "Nobody made an offer, huh?" "Not a dime." "Dorothy, isn't this something?" "You've become what we in the news business call a "hot story."" "And you've become what we call in the revenge business "next."" "Boy, no wonder they call you, "The Big Mean Bug Lady."" "Do you believe the mob out there?" "Where's Marvin?" "Who?" "Your lawyer, Marvin Mitchelson." "Where is he?" "No, I'm not using Marvin on this case." "He's a brilliant lawyer." "Listen, Stanley, we need help here." "You know, last night after Marvin got us bailed out," "I went to a bar up the street, and while I was there, it dawned on me." "If we use Mitchelson, we're gonna look like the rich slum lords we're not." "Well, then, who are we using?" "Well, as luck would have it," "I met somebody at the bar who doesn't have that much experience, but I was very impressed." "Boy, Stan, it's jumping out there." "Is this what impressed you?" "Believe me, Dorothy, she's very bright." "Really?" "I'm telling you, we were the only two in the bar who got the jokes on the cocktail napkins." "Dorothy, I want you to meet our attorney, Tracy." "Tracy, this is Dorothy." "Hi-dee-ho!" "Hi-dee-ho." "Stanley, forgive me, but I don't think I'm willing to trust my future to this girl knowing her only qualification is that you were able to pick her up in a bar." "I did not pick her up." "Struck out?" "Boy, do you know me, or what?" "Look, this kind of thinking is really quite sexist." "Just because a woman is attractive and is not uncomfortable about her sexuality, does not mean she can't be bright, well informed, and a hell of a lawyer." "Uh, where did you go to law school?" "A whole bunch of places." "TRACY:" "Uh-oh." "STAN:" "What?" "The assistant D.A., Peterson." "He's a killer." "It's amazing what he does to the witnesses." "You think he's getting nowhere and then suddenly he gives the witness a really dumb compliment and for some reason it works." "They let down their guard and he nails them." "Well, you must have some way of combating that." "Well, we'll find out." "What do you mean?" "I've never really done this before." "Uh-huh." "And so you're saying that you never really complained about the bugs to the Zbornaks." "Is that right?" "Yes." "You're very bright." "She's very bright." "Your witness." "Angelo, isn't it true that the Zbornaks make you live under deplorable conditions?" "No." "And isn't it true that from time to time they shut off the power to the entire building just for funsies?" "No." "And isn't it true that..." "Well, excuse me, but that's the nicest tie I've ever seen." "Thanks." "Didn't you tell Rose Nylund you were living in a slum?" "Sure, but..." "No further questions." "Isn't it true, Mrs. Devereaux, that Mrs. Zbornak is the kind of person who likes to see people suffer?" "No." "And isn't it true that from time to time she bullies the women she lives with?" "No." "For the record, Your Honor, this witness has the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen." "Blanche, what did Dorothy really feel about Angelo's building?" "She said she didn't care about it, that she'd never cared about it." "Thank you." "Thank you." "In your own words, Mrs. Petrillo, the words of a beautiful, dignified person who's got a wild bod for a chick her age," "what kind of person is your daughter?" "She put me in a home." "(PEOPLE MURMURING)" "All right, quiet down." "Order in the courtroom." "Do you have any more witnesses, Mr. Peterson?" "No, Your Honor." "New robe?" "No." "Why?" "Looks great." "Thank you, Counselor." "Well, if there are no more witnesses..." "Uh, I..." "Your Honor, may I say something?" "You may speak." "Uh, Your Honor, this is all a very simple mistake." "Stan and I are ready to get an exterminator to take care of those bugs." "I don't know how this thing got so far." "But believe me, we are not criminals." "I want you both to get an idea of what it's like for all the people that you collect rent from." "So I'm going to sentence both of you to live in apartment 3C in this building until such time as it is brought up to code." "(GAVEL BANGING)" "Wait a minute." "You want me to live with him in the same apartment?" "That's right." "But there are bugs there and they'll think Stan is their leader." "All right." "In you go." "Oh, isn't this lovely?" "Look, they put in a bunk bed." "And a chair." "Look, Dorothy, a chair." "This isn't gonna be so bad." "This isn't gonna be bad at all." "Yeah, well, I suppose." "Blanche, can we get out of here?" "It's starting to get dark." "You know, Dorothy, in some ways we're lucky." "How many people get locked up with someone they're attracted to?" "I don't know." "The name Marion Barry comes to mind." "Good luck, Dorothy." "I'll miss you." "I love you." "Someday, sweetheart, I'm gonna get out of this hellhole and I'm going to come looking for you." "Don't spend all your time in prison hating me, Dorothy." "Learn a trade." "Dorothy, tonight I'm gonna be out front in a laundry truck." "Gotcha." "So..." "If you hear screaming', don't call the cops." "Okay, let's go, ladies." "Don't worry, pussycat." "We won't rest till we get you out of here." "Thanks, Ma." "Who wants Chinese?" "I got her credit card!" "I got her credit card!" "(PLAYING HARMONICA)" "I asked you not to do that." "I know, but I'm going stir crazy." "There's no way out." "No way out." "Stanley, they let you keep your belt and shoe laces." "Think about that." "You know, in a way, this apartment reminds me of our first place." "Do you remember the first night we spent there?" "Yes." "And as I recall, I was trying to read then, too." "You're still mad at me, aren't you?" "Yes, I'm mad at you." "Every time you come into my life something bad happens." "Oh, you're right." "You're right." "You know, I wish we could go back to the beginning and try again." "Go back to that first apartment." "We didn't have much, but we were happy to have our own place." "Those were good times." "You had gotten your first job." "Yeah." "Back then, you could give blood every week." "Remember the time your mother took care of the baby?" "It was our first time alone in a year." "You bought me wine and flowers." "I remember." "Remember how much fun we had in that apartment that night?" "I remember." "You know, Dorothy, the two of us could get into that bottom bunk and have some fun again." "What do you say?" "For old time's sake?" "I--I don't know." "Oh, okay." "But let's do it right." "What say you run down and buy some good wine and some flowers?" "(MOANS) You bet!" "Hi, Ma." "My God, did you bust out?" "Don't worry, I know what to do." "We'll get you a phony license and birth certificate." "I know a good plastic surgeon." "By tomorrow morning, you can be Raul Julia." "Nah, I didn't bust out." "The exterminator came this morning and the building inspector said we could leave." "So, it's over." "You don't sound very happy." "Well, to tell you the truth, I'm a little confused." "About what?" "About Stan." "Oh, geez, you didn't shack up with him again?" "I didn't shack up with him." "He asked and I said no." "But, I'll tell you, for a few minutes there," "I was thinking of going to bed with him." "You know who I think about going to bed with..." "I don't want to know." "No, really..." "Believe me, I don't want to know." "Okay, fine." "But I am confused." "I mean, just when I think I'm over the man, something happens." "Am I ever gonna stop having feelings for him?" "Luther Vandross." "Ooh, baby." "Fine." "You're not interested." "Of course I'm interested." "See what I have on my feet?" "Your regular old shoes." "And do you know why?" "Because old lady shoes are me." "Like it or not, they're a part of my life." "It's like it is with you and Stan." "Do you understand what I'm saying?" "You're saying that in some ways Stan belongs in my life." "And, like your shoes, he may not be stylish, but he's familiar." "He's comfortable." "And shiny on top." "Don't forget shiny on top." "And I guess that's not so bad." "There you go." "Ah, you know, Ma, you pick your spots, but in some ways you're very wise." "You're not just my mother, you're my best friend." "Good night, Ma." "Good night, pussycat." "I said no." "Please?" "For the last time, I am not getting you an electric golf cart and that's that." "Hello, Wake Up Miami?" ""The Big Mean Bug Lady"?" "She's at it again."