"synced and corrected by peritta" "♪♪" "[Cheers and applause]" "Hello, I'm Jake Tapper, if you google me, you'll see me in a T-shirt." "But first, another big endorsement for Donald Trump, as former rival Ben Carson has agreed to throw his support to the businessman." "We go now to Florida, where Trump has just taken the stage." "[Applause]" "Thank you." "My guest today is so tremendous." "Dr. Ben Carson is a very special man." "And for once, I don't mean that as an insult to the mentally challenged." "Why don't you come out here, Ben." "Come on." "[Applause]" "I am so thrilled to be here today." "I am positively turned." "Yes, Donald and I are very different." "We're like night and day, ebony and orangey." "Sure, we've had our -- you know, we've had our polite disagreements." "I question his knowledge on health care, and he called me a psycho and a child molester." "Hey in my defense, he's a pretty creepy dude." "I mean, look at this guy, he looks like he drives a hollowed out ice cream truck." "What my point is, I have learned there are two Donald Trumps." "There's the man you see every night on stage for eight months." "A guy who calls people losers and brags about his penis." "But there's also the friendly man I had breakfast with earlier today for ten minutes." "He gave me a muffin." "Okay, that's enough for now." "Let's get this guy a juice box and a nap." "Bye, America." "It's been weird." "[Laughter]" "[Applause]" "And there it is." "Turning out for the democrats," "Bernie Sanders pulled off a huge upset in Michigan this week." "Joining us via satellite from his hotel in Illinois, is senator Bernie Sanders." "[Applause]" "Yes yes, hello." "Hello." "Good for me." "Mr. Wonderful." "Mr. Presidential Candidate." "Congratulations on your big win in Michigan, senator." "Thank you, Tapper." "I want to thank everyone who voted for me, and apologize to everyone else for making your" "Facebook feeds so, so annoying." "I mean, I love my supporters, but they're too much, right?" "I'm great, but I'm not five posts a day great." "With all due respect to my supporters, get a life." "Now, how do you think you pulled out such an upset victory?" "Well Tapper, I spent a lot of time in Michigan." "I don't know if you're aware of this, but they give you ten cents for recycled cans." "I made a fortune." "Now, senator, you may have won Michigan, but Hillary still leads you in delegates and super delegates?" "Can I ask you something?" "What's a super delegate?" "Who calls themselves that, it's so cocky." "They walk around like they're such big shots." "I beg your pardon, Mr. super delegate." "Let me tell you something, I've met some of these super delegates, they're not so super, mediocre delegates is more like it." "Senator, many think you need these super delegates to win the nomination." "Not true, no." "Not true." "I have the voters, my message is resonating with a very diverse group of white people." "[Laughter]" "And I have supporters of all ages, 18-year-olds, 19-year-olds." "[Laughter]" "That's it." "The young people love me, Tapper, because I'm like them." "I have a lot of big plans, and absolutely no idea how to achieve them." "[Applause]" "You're still struggling with minorities, why do you think" "African-Americans aren't voting for you?" "Probably because I look like someone who at some point told them, get out of my store." "[Laughter]" "And finally, senator, Florida votes on Tuesday, you haven't spent much time there." "Can you blame me?" "Who wants to spend time in Florida?" "The only reason you go to Florida is if your sister calls and says, mom's dead, we got to go to Florida." "[Laughter]" "All right, thank you, senator." "[Cheers and applause]" "Breaking news right now, we're getting word now of yet another incident of violence at a Donald Trump rally." "Apparently the victim was this man, Dr. Ben Carson, who was attacked moments ago by an angry mob that mistook him for a protester." "We go there now." "It's okay, I'm fine." "Guys, what did I say?" "Not this one." "[Applause]" "This is one of the good ones." "[Laughter]" "I'm sorry, Ben." "Hey, they're just lucky I don't have my knife on me." "I've been known to cut a bitch." "Don't worry, we have a very classy Trump steak on his eye." "And to the media, please don't use this as an excuse to call me racist." "Donald actually got a lot of black friends, Omarosa, Dennis Rodman." "The list goes on." "Mike Tyson." "The list ends." "Quite a scene." "Now, let's check back in with senator Bernie Sanders." "What?" "No, no." "Get out of here." "Don't -- don't cut back to me." "Get, get away." "Senator, are you in your pajamas?" "Of course I'm in pajamas, it's bedtime, you idiot." "You said you were finished, so I got in pajamas." "How did you change so fast?" "I always wear them under my suit." "That's why my suits are so baggy." "Now, please, if you don't mind." "Live from New York, it's Saturday night!" "[Cheers and applause]" "It's "Saturday night live."" "♪♪" "With " "host and musical guest, Ariana Grande." "♪♪" "Ladies and gentlemen, Ariana Grande." "♪♪" "[Cheers and applause]" "Thank you." "Thank you guys so much, I'm Ariana Grande, I'm a singer, not a Starbucks drink." "I'm so honored and excited to be hosting and performing tonight." "It's been a dream of mine to be on this stage ever since I was a little girl, which was two months ago." "I've been singing and acting since I was eight." "I started my career on kids TV, doing nickelodeon." "Yes, indeed." "[Cheers and applause]" "What an amazing place to launch a career, am I right?" "That's right Kenan, we both started doing nickelodeon shows, but of course that's not the only thing people know us for any more." "Well speak for yourself, I've been on this show for 13 damn years and people still ask me twice a week, where's Kel." "I loved you guys, do you still stay in touch?" "A little bit!" "[Cheers and applause]" "Yeah, it can be tough going up in show business." "A lot of stars end up doing drugs, are in jail, pregnant or get caught licking a doughnut they didn't pay for." "Which yes was childish and stupid" "I've learned that it's really time to grow up, I think I'm in a place where I'm ready to be caught in a real adult scandal." "A real scandal, you know, something to take my career to the next level." "Something that says welcome to Hollywood kid." "Miley's had them, Bieber's had them." "Everyone's had them." "Each day I sit by my window and dream, when will my scandal be." "Thank you." "[Laughter]" "♪ They'll say she's a hot mess ♪" "♪ Or what a disgrace ♪" "♪ They'll say is that Botox in her butt or in her face ♪" "[Laughter]" "♪ That tweet about the Jews was in really poor taste ♪" "♪ Oh, what will my scandal be ♪" "♪ Maybe I'll throw a fit in an L.A. hotel ♪" "♪ And make life for the staff a true living hell ♪" "♪ I'll puke in the pool ♪" "♪ Or pimp slap Adele ♪" "♪ So what will my scandal be ♪" "Ariana, I was just in your dressing room smelling all your clothes, you just left your cell phone out, girl." "You have to be careful, someone could hack into it and post everything on the Internet." "Oh, my God, that would be amazing." "No, no, no." "When I was a little girl, my mama told me a would grow up and make millions of strangers mad at me." "And now it's finally happening, thank you." "♪ Maybe diet pills will scramble my brain ♪" "♪ I'll light up in first class and get kicked off a plane ♪" "♪ Maybe I'll have a love child with Drake or 2 Chainz ♪" "♪ Oh, what will my scandal be ♪" "Hey, Ariana, I overhead you wanna smoke some pot or something?" "Pot?" "Let's smoke some crack, man." "I'm good." "♪ Imagine what they'll say imagine what they'll write ♪" "♪ I could slip a nip at the super bowl and ruin my career ♪" "Over night ♪" "♪ Scandal ♪" "♪ My very own ♪" "♪ Scandal ♪" "♪ Oh, what will my scandal be ♪" "[Cheers and applause]" "We have a great show, so stick around, we'll be right back." "As millennials, your voice is important." "You're the ones who will decide this election, because there are so many of you." "So, so many." "And luckily, I, Hillary Clinton share all of your exact same beliefs, and I always have." "Since the beginning of my campaign I have constantly said we need a revolution in the streets." "Millions of people coming together because America should be for everyone, not just a handful of millionaires and billionaires." "I know you millennials, you're fired up, you're angry." "And I'm angry too." "Because the top 10% of the top 1% controls 90% of the wealth in this country." "[Laughter]" "And I've always said that." "Ever since I was a young boy growing up in Brooklyn." "Oh Brooklyn." "And when it comes to that darn wall street, I've always believed no bank can be too big to fail." "No executives too -- you know the rest." "It's that famous mobilizing sentence that works on you guys that I've been saying this whole time." "So thank you, millennials, for lending your support to the biggest outsider Jew in the race." "Hillary Rodham Clinton." "There's a lot of work to be done, and that is why I am sick and tired of hearing about my own damn e-mails." "This message was paid for by" "Hillary Clinton, feel the burn for her." "I'm whoever you want me to be, and I approve this message." " I'm trying here, guys." " Welcome back to the kids choice awards, orange carpet pre-show." "Only on Nick." "We're moments away from the coolest, the messiest, the most celeb packed awards show of the season, the kids choice awards." "Hi, I'm Reese better, and by my side, my BFF." "Jessie Kerk-Fatone thanks Reese." "Everyone has been dying to know, who will take home such coveted awards as favorite cartoon and coolest hairstyle, male." "Let's check in with are young lady with the scoop" "Brynlee Dobbs who's backstage where all the action is, Brynlee." "The vibe back here is literally electric." "I just saw dog with dog with a blog take a selfie with iCarly herself, Miranda cross grove who's receiving a lifetime achievement award." "I would love to chat, I have to take my seat, I hope it's not too close to the slime zone." "[Laughter]" "I have a poncho just in case." "I heard a rumor fifth harmony might need one too." "The carpet's winding down, inside, things are just heating up." "Blake Shelton is about to take the stage." "We're signing off, because the kids choice awards start right now." "[Laughter]" "Okay, it looks like maybe we got a little excited there." "But who wouldn't be excited." "So many surprises in store." "They won't be surprises for much longer." "Giddy up." "Cause the 29th annual the kids choice awards starts right now." "[Laughter]" "And all the stars, all the slime, and it's heating up." "Speaking of heating up, let's throw to our chica with all the access." "Brynlee Dobbs." "Yes." "Guys, I'm backstage where things are really heating up, I think I might be busting a move." "So you know what slime it is, the kids choice awards, only on Nick are starting right now." "[Laughter]" "Yeah, boy, off camera -- off camera, my producers are making a lot of frantic hand motions I do not understand." "On camera, I'm having a blast." "Let's go back to Reese and Jesse." "Love you guys." "Loves you too Brynlee." "A couple hiccups, but now we can see we're 10 seconds out." "Good things are worth waiting for." "And the wait is finally over." "The kids choice awards starts right now." "[Laughter]" "It looks like the clock's counting upwards now." "Don't know what that means." "We have a technical issue." "But you know what they say, time flies when you're waiting for the kids choice awards to start." "Brynlee what's cracking backstage." "All of it, dog with a blog, iCarly, and all the stars." "And this man, Frankie Goodman is part of the stage crew." "What do you do?" " Do you make the slime?" " I wish." "No, I'm here to hand Blake Shelton this hat." "Yeah, boy." "We have rad gold hats back here." "Do you want me to try it on?" "Are you Blake Shelton?" "I don't think you are." "Don't touch the hat." "Geez, just trying to fill the time here." "I'm told the clock is fixed, yay it's official the kids choice awards start right now." "Oh, my God, the clock is just flashing 12, and none of my producers are making eye contact with me." "Reese and Jesse, I can't even, guys." "Neither can we." "But the kids choice awards have got to be starting right now." "Right now." "Right now!" "?" "Right now!" "Please, right now." "Okay, clearly the awards are not starting any time soon -- welcome to the 29th annual kids choice awards." "[Cheers and applause]" "♪ The world needs an anthem for all of woman kind." "A song to fight a song to right ♪" "♪ The wrongs of all of time so we put pen to paper and wrote all through the night a gorgeous ode ♪" "♪ To feminism well within our sights but this is pretty nuanced stuff and putting it all ♪" "♪ In one song was tough and that's why this is not a feminist song we tried real hard but ♪" "♪ It took too long this is not a feminist song cuz we were scared we would do it wrong ♪" "♪ We know women need an anthem a song to call their own but we didn't write that anthem ♪" "♪ We went home every woman has a struggle and every struggle's real but just try and write ♪" "♪ A song that captures every woman's deal so instead of writing lyrics here's us running ♪" "♪ In the sand and here's a bunch of lens flares and an old woman's hands ♪" "♪ Not to call a woman old or judge a woman's hands we know old women shouldn't be reduced to just her hands ♪" "We stepped right into that trap it's so hard to ♪" "♪ Navigate this crap and that's why this is not a feminist song so technically it can't ♪" "♪ Be wrong this is not a feminist song" "I feel like we've been singing so long ♪" "♪ Our ancestors they fought for us so they deserve a song but this is not that song ♪" "♪ So move along now here's some powerful footage for a song we did not write ♪" "♪ It's Malala, Maya Angelou and Madeline Albright and RBG, she taught me that women can be strong ♪" "♪ And that women have the right to choose to bail on this whole song oh ♪" "♪ And that's why this is not a feminist song we're just women singing a song but doesn't that ♪" "♪ Make it a feminist song?" "I guess this was feminist all along this is a feminist song ♪" "♪ Tweet it, hashtag feminist song where are the men in this feminist song?" "♪" "♪ An excellent point now move along cuz now its time for you at home ♪" "♪ To weigh in on this song and tell us if we handled it all wrong ♪" "♪ This tough and tricky land-mine of a song ♪" "[Cheers and applause]" "♪♪" "True tales from the sea." "From fishing boat captain, Deacon Pritchard, 1906." "Caught in a storm, my crew and I were thrown overboard, sent to a watery grave." "But the next morning we awoke on our boat deck." "The circumstances of our rescue, not to be believed." "I'm alive." "Who plucked me from the sea." " I did." " My God." " And I saved you." " It can't be." "Who is my enchanting rescuer?" "Me." "Oh, my God, what is that?" "I'm a mermaid, man." "I'm Okira." "And I'm Correlle." "My name is Shud." "It's just like in the storybooks, half woman, half fish." "Blue fish to be exact." "I am part marlin." "Me, I'm working with 35% woman, 65% blob fish." "What are blob fish?" "We live on the sea floor deep in Mariana trench made only of gelatin." "Hence my slick sheen." "Here's a picture of my mom for reference." "[Laughter]" "That was her on her wedding day." "I have her looks, thanks God." "My mermaid blows." "I believe in love at first sight, for you are the most beautiful creature I've laid my eyes upon, Correlle." "You've captured my heart with a mere flutter of your eyelash." "I'm waiting." "You're so beige." "Oh, thanks man." "Excuse me, I need to take a breath." "Nailed it, thank you." "Sweet ocean maidens, I would do anything for you to walk with us upon the land." "There is a way." "All it takes is a kiss." "Yes, yes, of course." "It would be an honor." "Can I just give her cash?" "Now my sisters, let's recite the enchanted spell." "If a mermaid kisses a human male, a pair of legs shall replace her tale." "And when she walks on land, she will find her one true love." "A glob fish has two mouths." "One for breathing and one for food absorption." "The human male should kiss the food mouth which consists of the whole face and front ass." "Can I give a hug or a high five?" "This chick takes dumps out of her mouth." "We are all sea sisters." "We all must receive a kiss in order for it to work." "You kiss her Smith, that's an order." "Yeah just kiss your blob fish, Smith." "♪♪" "Open wider, man." "Come on." "♪♪" "(Harmonizing lion king)" "That was hot." "When we reach shore, our transformation will be complete." "We are yours forever." "Blob fish live about 175 years FYI." "We shall marry this evening." "Set a course for sure." "Race you there." "Oh hey, man, mating wise, usually a male attaches to my body and I absorb his gonads." "And then his body fuses to my sheen." "But, we'll figure something out." "Wow it's so nice of you to work out a way so my nuts don't melt off." "I'll see you soon baby." "(Loud defecating)" " Hey, are you looking down my shirt?" " Ew, no." "[Cheers and applause]" "Ladies and gentlemen, ariana-- [cheers and applause]" "♪♪" "♪ don't need permission made my decision to test my limits cause it's my business ♪" "♪ God as my witness start what I finished" "Don't need no hold up taking control of ♪" "♪ This kind of moment" "I'm locked and loaded completely focused my mind is open ♪" "♪ All that you got, skin to skin, oh my God" "Don't ya stop, boy ♪" "♪ Somethin bout you makes me feel like a dangerous woman ♪" "♪ Somethin bout somethin bout somethin bout you ♪" "♪ Makes me wanna do things that I shouldn't somethin bout ♪" "♪ Somethin bout somethin bout ♪" "♪ Nothing to prove and" "I'm bulletproof and know what I'm doing the way we're movin' ♪" "♪ Like introducing us to a new thing" "I wanna savor, save it for later ♪" "♪ The taste of flavor cause I'm a taker cause I'm a giver ♪" "♪ It's only nature I live for danger ♪" "♪ All that you got, skin to skin, oh my God don't ya stop, boy ♪" "♪ Somethin bout you makes me feel like a dangerous woman somethin bout ♪" "♪ Somethin bout somethin bout you makes me wanna do ♪" "♪ Things that I shouldn't somethin bout somethin bout somethin bout you ♪" "♪ All girls wanna be like that bad girls underneath like that you know ♪" "♪ How I'm feeling inside somethin bout somethin bout all girls wanna ♪" "♪ Be like that bad girls underneath like that you know ♪" "♪ How I'm feeling inside somethin bout somethin bout ♪" "♪♪" "♪ Somethin bout you makes me feel like a dangerous woman somethin bout ♪" "♪ Somethin bout somethin bout you makes me wanna do things that I shouldn't ♪" "♪ Somethin bout somethin bout somethin bout you ♪" "You know how I'm feeling inside ♪" "♪♪" "♪ Something bout something bout something bout you ♪" "♪♪" "Something bout you ♪" "It's weekend update with Colin Jost and Michael Che." "[Cheers and applause]" " Hello everyone." " Welcome to weekend update." " I'm Colin Jost." " I'm Micheal Che, and here are tonight's top stories." "Donald Trump had to cancel a rally in Chicago last night over security concerns." "Believe it or not, the most racially divisive candidate showed up to the most violent city in the country and things did not go smoothly." "[Laughter]" "Who would have thought?" "That when these people tried to have a reasonable and productive conversation with this lady, somehow they couldn't find common ground." "[Laughter]" "What did they think was going to happen?" "She was going to lower her Nazi salute to say, "Hey, you make a good point, Kareem."" "[Laughter]" "Also, can we just talk about how adorable this little old racist lady is?" "[Laughter]" "She shouldn't be at a rally, she should be at home teaching her parrot the n-word." "[Laughter]" "And where have I seen this lady before?" "Oh, there she is." "[Laughter]" "And then after that whole incident in Chicago last night," "Donald Trump went to Ohio this morning and did this." "The liberals hate the conservatives, we have got to change our thinking." "Yeah, and if there's a group out there, just throw them the hell out." "That's okay." "[Cheers and applause]" "He said get the hell out and then did a twirl." "[Laughter]" "Like Maury Povich just told him he wasn't the father." "[Laughter]" "And then later Trump bragged people have been protesting him his entire life, like that's a normal good thing." "Like saying, this rash?" "It's always been there." "Trump is like that guy who says every single one of his ex-girlfriends has been crazy." "I don't know, man, I think it might be you." "By the way, if you're going to a Trump rally to protest, God bless you, because I am not." "[Laughter]" "You will not see me at that weird Nazi-prom getting punched in the face by some strong 80-year-old racist." "[Laughter]" "Look at this guy, he's been dreaming of punching a black dude since the first time he heard jazz on the radio." "[Laughter]" "During Thursdays republican debate" "John Kasich stressed the importance of legal immigration, saying without it, he would be running for president of Croatia." "Where incidentally, he's also trailing by 30 points." "On Friday, Ben Carson endorsed" "Donald Trump saying he has the vision and energy to win." "No one knows more about vision and energy than the guy who looks like he just got hit by a tranquilizer dart." "An analysis of this past weekend's victory shows that" "Bernie Sanders spent 48 cents per vote." "It would have been a dollar, but he had a coupon." "[Laughter]" "This Monday is the season finale of The Bachelor." "Here to comment is one woman who made quite an impression early on in the season." "Please welcome the drunkest contestant on The Bachelor." "[Cheers and applause]" "It's very nice to meet you." "Now, close your eyes." "Okay." "I wanted to be the only person to kiss you on update." "You want to know why?" "Why." "Because I felt a connection with you, Colin, ever since I saw an opportunity to be on TV." "I'm getting emotional." "You think I'm crazy, you do." "No, no." "Not at all." "No, no, I just want to hear about the finale of The Bachelor." "You're such a good guy." "And I knew you were worth it, and I left something really good because I thought maybe it would be something really great." "And what did you leave?" "Software sales in the state of Colorado." "You think I'm crazy and I'm not." "Look at me, you haven't made eye contact with me since we kissed." "You've been looking at Che glancing at cue cards the whole time." "[Laughter]" "I'm still here, I need to see that you respect that." "I promise you, I respect that." "I'm so glad that you just said that." "Because I know that I am great TV." "I mean, a great woman." "[Laughter]" "So let's start over." "Can I get a second chance kiss?" "No." "And if Leslie Jones hears about this, we're both dead." "I'm not here to talk about other women." "I'm here so other women can talk about me." "And I'm not crazy." "I don't think that you're crazy." "I never would say that." "I'm not crazy." "Okay no one here is -- [laughter]" "You have such a beautiful smile." "[Laughter]" " Look, I'm very " " I'm not " "I'm very sorry that you did not win The Bachelor this season, okay?" "Don't be sorry, this isn't my last reality show." "I'll be on TV again, because I'm a wide awake nightmare." "The drunkest contestant on "The Bachelor" everyone." "[Cheers and applause]" "A seafood wholesaler in Maine has acquired a rare four clawed lobster and in other news, a woman's dog has been missing since Halloween." "Peyton Manning announced his retirement from football this week, explained Manning, I'd rather not get brain damage." "New York's MTA has unveiled new high-tech city buses that feature USB ports." "As in, "hey, on the bus today I saw a guy put his penis in the USB port."" "[Laughter]" "The makers of the beer dos equis announced, that they are retiring their famous "most interesting man in the world"" "ad campaign." "He will go back to his original name, Greg the lying alcoholic." "[Laughter]" "March is women's history month." "So ladies, that cake is not going to bake itself." "[Audience ohs]" "[Laughter]" "Before you ladies get angry and send a bunch of messages about how sexist that joke is, let me just remind you, finish baking that cake." "Colin." "Don't throw it to me!" "Happy Birthday to mitt Romney who today turns 69, which for Mormons is a sin." "[Laughter and applause]" "A new study suggests that heavier women get paid less than thinner women." "That is, unless Che's at the strip club." "[Laughter]" "[Laughter and applause]" "And they say black guys don't tip." "A man in Brazil says that a penguin he rescued five years ago, swims more than 5,000 Miles every year just to visit him." "That's how good the sex is." "[Laughter]" "A gang of drug dealers in" "Amsterdam were reportedly storing -- - hey, yo, Che." "Hey, yo, Che." "Reportedly storing 300,000 Euros -- - come on, man." "I got a copy of Batman hates superman." "Come on, man." "I think they got a wonder woman in there!" "You're in the shot." "You're ruining this." "Are we live right now?" "Are we live at 5:00?" "Yo introduce me then." "I'm sorry, it's my friend from high school Riblet." "[Cheers and applause]" "What's up!" "It's Riblet, baby!" "Living clean in 2016, yeah!" "[Laughter]" "I'm in the middle of a live show here, man." "I don't have time to go to the movies with you." "What, yo, you never got time for Riblet no more." " Come on, now." " I got a job, dude." "You a punk man, get someone to cover your shift man, that's what I did at friendly's." "And they're the home of the fribble." "Riblet, this isn't exactly friendly's." "You can't just do this job." "Please." "This job ain't that hard." "Yo, check it, watch this?" "Yo, give me a key on three, baby boy." "How do you know Don?" "A massive sinkhole opened up in the parking lot of a" "Mississippi IHOP, swallowing more than a dozen cars." "If there's one thing you don't expect when you're eating at a" "Mississippi IHOP, it's to sink lower." "Oooh!" "[Laughter and applause]" "Oh maybe I got you Jorb!" "Hurry up, Che, table four needs a fribble." "You don't know where table four is?" "Well, trick question, table four is a booth!" "[Laughter]" "That wasn't a question or a trick, can you just please go, man?" "I'm serious." " I'm serious about watching this movie, man." "Lex Luthor got hairs now, I'm fixin' to find out why." "Let's keep this train rolling, my dude!" "Yo, Don, break me off something topical man." "Why are you helping him?" "[Laughter]" "Some native American groups are upset with a new" "J.K. Rowling story that they say is disrespectful to their culture." "You can tell from the title," ""Harry Potter and the cursed blankets."" "Oooh!" "[Laughter]" "That ain't even a real book, I photoshopped it!" "It ain't even there, look." "It's ghost news!" "You know, there's a lot more to this job than just reading jokes." " Oh, really." " Yeah, it is." " Really?" "Okay, man, I stand corrected." "I guess I hadn't thought of that, okay?" "I guess " " I did not." "I'm apologizing." "I guess you would have to surprising moves every week." "I guess you would." "I'm getting something in my ear from the booth." "We have a special report." "Let's go live to our man on the street, Riblet." "Riblet?" "Riblet St. James here reporting from the lower east side." "The line started forming days ago and it has been a revolving door of random men, in and out of this building all weekend long." "Whatever they are lining up for, they can't seem to get enough, Riblet." "And where did you say you were again, Riblet?" "I am currently outside Che's mama's house!" "Damn!" "Yo, sign it off, Riblet." " Do your thing." " This is Riblet St. James, good night and have a pleasant tomorrow." "Back to you, Riblet." "[Cheers and applause]" "My friend from high school, Riblet, everybody." "For weekend update, I'm Michael Che." "I'm Colin Jost, good night." "All right, control, it's time for the 3:00 P.M. Tidal systems check." "Drake stream." "Running smooth, sir." "Coldplay?" "No lag time." " Full bit rate." " Billy Joel?" "No fire started over here." "Swing and a miss." "Here's your coffee, sir." " Thank you, Chloe." " It's another incident free day here at Tidal music streaming." "What the hell was that?" "Looks like the power's out, sir." "Back up generator is up and running." "Let's do a systems check." " One direction?" " All good sir." " Kendrick Lamar?" " Coming through loud and clear." "Britney Spears?" "Looks like we're going to lose Britney Spears stream in 30 seconds." "We already biffed the Kanye and Rihanna album releases." "We can't afford another glitch what do you do!" "?" "Sir, I heard Chloe the intern singing some Britney Spears hallway." "Is that true, Chloe, can you sing like Britney Spears?" "Kind of." "Bradley open the channel." "The future of Tidal is in your hands." "But I'm shy." "Well try damn it!" "People need their Britney Spears." "♪ Oh, baby baby how was I suppose to know that something wasn't right ♪" "♪ Oh, baby baby I shouldn't have let you go." "And now you're out of sight, yeah ♪" "Back on." "Britney Spears is up and running." "[Cheers and applause]" "That was close." "Well done Chloe." "Oh, no, sir, we're about to lose the Shakira stream." "Perfect." "Chloe's Hispanic." "That's a common mistake, I'm actually just very, very Italian." "Can you do Shakira?" "I can try." "♪♪" "Le do, lo Le, lo Le can't you see I'm at your feet" "♪ whenever whenever we're meant to be together ♪" "♪ I'll be there and you'll be here ♪" "And that's the deal my dear." "Back on." "Shakira is online and streaming." "Job well done." " You need some water?" " No time, sir." "The Ariana Grande channel is down, sir." "Chloe?" "Can you do Ariana Grande?" "Eh sorry, not a big fan." "Forget it, we just lost a big one, Rihanna's down." "Chloe, please, Tidal needs Rihanna." "♪ (Harmonizing Rihanna) ♪" "We're back on." "The Rihanna stream is rebuffered and good to go." "Was that okay?" "I truly don't know what she's saying." "Hey, nobody does." "Uh-oh, I got bad news, boss." "The '90s diva play list is glitching." "Can you handle it?" "That's a lot of woman." "There's only one way to find out." "We just lost Celine Dion." "♪ There were nights when the wind was so cold ♪" "♪ My body laid in bed and I listened to it right outside the window ♪" "Shall we go for it?" "Back on." "Celine Dion is 100%." "but now we're losing Whitney Houston." "Oh, come on." "Take us home." "♪ And I wish you joy and happiness ♪" "♪ But above all else I wish you love ♪" "♪ And I will always love you ♪" "♪ I will forever love you ♪" "[Cheers and applause]" "Back on." "The power's fully restored." "All streams are up and running." "You did it, Chloe." "Jay Z would be proud." "Yeah, you bet I am." "Mickelson, you was Jay Z this whole time?" "Yeah." "I wanted to see how my company was doing, undercover boss style, you know?" "Yo, Chloe, you single-handedly just saved Tidal." " You said you was just an intern?" " Yes." "That's great , can you give me a venti cappuccino?" "I'll take a Grande coffee." "Right away!" "♪♪" "It's time to play family feud, celebrity addition." "Here's your host, Steve Harvey." "Okay." "Okay now." "Welcome to celebrity family feud." "It's one of about four different daytime shows that I host." "Every one of them playing right now on that little TV that you can watch while you pumping your gas." "Today we have great actors versus great directors." "And on the actors side, talks like a man, but PH balanced like a woman." "It's Jennifer Lawrence." "They told me into the to do a game show, but I was like screw it, I'm a regular person." "You know, you say you're a regular person more than any regular person I know." "All right, next, she's one of the top actresses in all of outer space, Tilda Swinton." "I won a MAFTA." "That's a BAFTA they give on the moon." "Whatever you say, David bowie." "Next, from no country for old mens." "Say hello to Javier Bardem." "It is a wonderful this to play this game." "I am very aroused by competition." "Oh, you a spicy little pot of payaya aren't you." "And finally, I don't know if I've every heard of this person." "But he was in a movie called "beasts of no nation"" "let me try and pronounce this right." "Mellis Dellis - well actually the names Idris Elba mate." "I've been around, you know." "It's all clicks and buzzers, player." "Let's go to the director side." "He's a maniac who's made some of my favorite movies, Quentin Tarantino." "Hey, Steve." "This is good, it's kind of like a spaghetti Western, but there's prizes at the end." "Take it down, player." "For us it's 10:00 in the morning, but for you it's day three." "Next, we got the director of" "Raging Bull and Goodfellas, Martin Scorsese." "Great to be here Steve really really great, love the suit." "Classic styling I love it." "I'm a big fan of your work, I loved you as the grandfather in up." "Next you know him from Andy hall, Hannah and her sisters and that whole thing where he went ahead and married his daughter, Woody Allen." "Thank you, Steve, while I appreciate the comprehensive introduction, what's past is past." "Both parties are at peace." "Let's move on." "Whatever you say, big love." "And finally, from Jay and silent" "Bob strike back, it's Kevin Smith." "Hello, folks, it's the fat man on Batman." "Thanks having me on the podcast Steve." "Podcast?" "Are you high right now?" "Oh hell yeah!" "Well okay then player, I'll meet you in the parking lot after the show." "Let's play the feud." " How are you feeling?" " Good." "Great." "Really great." "Great, man." "You two look like you should switch voices." "100 people surveyed." "Top five answers on the board." "Name a bad habit you just can't quit?" "I'm a snack-aholic I love Pringles, when no one's looking I'll eat the whole can." "Like every day is my cheat day, you know what I mean?" "How annoyingly relatable." "Show me another pretty girl that says she likes to eat." "Number one, it's up there." "Let's go to the actors side." "Now, Tilda Swinton, what's a bad habit you just can't quit?" "Feasting on the blood of innocence." "I'm kidding." "Cookies." "Oh you a curious little woodpecker." "Show me a vampire's got to feed." "Not there, Javier Bardem." "A bad habit you just can't quit." "This one is very obvious, you know, beautiful women." "Oh, you're a hopeless romantic?" "Yeah." "Show me gotta get that ass!" "[Buzzer]" "I'm sorry, player." "Let's go over the black Jason Statham." "A bad habit you just can't quit." "You have to stop running around the pubs, you know, cut down a bit." "That's it blood, that's it." "Might as well be under water." "Show me something that might be English." "[Buzzer]" "Yeah, I didn't think so." "The directors with a chance to steal." "A bad habit you can't quit." "All good answers." "Quentin it's up to you." "There are so many possibilities here, Steve." "You can't look at the possibilities, you have to look at your own unique reality." "For me, it's like trying for perfection every time, man." "You get that, Steve." "You get what I'm saying?" "Oh, I hear you, player." "I know exactly what you're trying to say." "Show me cocaine." "[Laughter and applause]" "The directors win like always, we going to take a break, when we come back, I'll give you a sneak preview of my new show, that I'm hosting where kids fight each other on the stage." "We'll see you all in a minute." "Okay, once again, Ariana Grande." "♪♪" "♪ Midnight shadows we're finding love it's the battle ♪" "♪ But the daylight is so close ♪" "♪ So don't you worry about a thing babe we'll be alright ♪" "♪ Hey babe we'll be alright ♪" "♪ Yeah yeah ♪" "♪ Baby don't you know all of them tears gon' come and go ♪" "♪ Baby you just gotta make up your mind that every little things gonna be alright ♪" "♪ Baby don't you know all of them tears gon' come and go ♪" "♪ Baby you just gotta make up your mind we decided baby be all right ♪" "♪♪" "♪ Hey babe we'll be alright ♪" "♪ Yeah yeah ♪" "♪ Oh baby babe we'll be alright ♪" "♪ Oh nothing can seem to get us where were going ♪" "♪ But the high tides are flowing ♪" "♪ Cause they all lead to better days ♪" "♪ When I'll be all right hey hey when I'll be all right ♪" "♪ Oh yeah oh baby ♪" "♪ We're gonna be alright ♪" "♪ All those cares gonna up and go I don't mind all right ♪" "♪ All those tears gonna up and go ♪" "♪ I don't mind woooh know that we gonna be all right ♪" "♪ You know that we gonna be all right ♪" "Know that we gonna be all right ♪" "♪ We gonna be all right ♪" "♪ Hey wooooh oh yeah ♪" "♪ We gonna be all right baby ♪" "♪♪" "♪ We're gonna be all right yeah ♪" "♪♪" "[Cheers and applause]" "We now return to a special presentation of "the sound of music."" "Where is sister Maria, she's late for chore time." "And she missed her morning prayers." "Oh, what are we going to do about that girl?" "♪♪" "♪ She climbs a tree and scrapes her knee ♪" "♪ Her dress has got a tear ♪" "She waltzes on her way to mass she whistles on the stair ♪" "♪ And underneath her wimple she has curlers in her hair ♪" "♪ I've even heard her singing in the abbey ♪" "♪ How do you solve a problem like Maria how do you catch a cloud and pin it down ♪" "♪ How do you find the word that means Maria ♪" "♪ A flibbertijibbit, a will-o'-the-wisp, a clown ♪" "♪ Oh, how do you solve a problem like Maria ♪" "♪ How do you hold a moon beam in your hand ♪" "Wow!" "Good too hear this, a bunch of nuns singing smack about me." "Maria, we didn't see you there." "Yeah, I know you didn't." "But I heard everything." "And you thought Maria was a problem before?" "Well, buckle up." "Goodness, you're being a bit sensitive Maria." "We weren't saying anything negative about you." "Oh, yeah, then what's the song called?" "It doesn't really have a name." "Do not front with me right now." "Fine, it's called how do you solve a problem like Maria." "Wow." "What wow!" "?" "It's not about you." "It's about a different Maria." "Maria Gertzenschwartzenwarz." "Nun, please." "I know you all sing shade about me all the time." "This is the first and only time we've ever sung it." "So you guys just made up that four part harmony with light choreography on the spot?" "Okay." "But weren't we merrily discussing how to best guide our youngest sister on her path." "Nunti, why are you coming for me so." "What is this thing you're doing with your hands?" "It's a thing I made up so people know when I've had it." "And y'all nuns are about to get read." "Well, I think you're being a very rude girl." "It's your fault for calling me a will-o'-the-wisp." "And I know what that word means." "I didn't mean it like that." "It's like, you you know when you call a friend a will-o'-the-wisp but it's more like oh you my will-o'-the-wisp girl!" "We say it to each other, it's empowering." "Right my will-o'-the-wisp?" "Oh see, that's all we were saying, Maria." "Um-hum." "I guess I'll just have to take your word for it." "Now, if you'll excuse me I have to get to my chores." "♪ Unpredictable as weather ♪" "♪ As flighty as a feather ♪" "♪ She's a darling she's a demon ♪" "She's a, oh she's back!" "Wow!" "I was literally gone for two seconds." "Okay fine, Maria, we confess we talk about you." "You give us no choice." "♪♪" " ♪ You climb a tree ♪" " Wow!" "Stop starting the song!" "You know what, I don't need this." "I got hooked up with a gig baby-sitting seven children, which literally sounds like a vacation compared to you virgins." "♪ Which would bring us back to -- bye-bye bye-bye bye Maria out ♪" "[Cheers and applause]" "I have a feeling none of us will miss her." "None?" " You guys get it?" " Oh, you are so bad." "Thank you Larry David!" "[Cheers and applause]" "Thank you Lorne, thank you SNL." "This has been the best!" "Thank you bye!" "synced and corrected by peritta"