"Sam, what are you doing?" "My folks specifically asked you didn't go to any trouble." "After all, you've only been home from the hospital a week." "Oh, sweetheart, I'm feeling fine, and I'm just making a few little appetizers." " I have to serve them something." " Well, you know how they are." "They don't want to feel like they're imposing." "Unlike some members of your family, who shall go nameless." "Samantha, my darling." "How are you?" "Just fine, Mother." "It's a pleasure to see you, Endora." "And it's a shame you can't stay." "And how is my adorable new grandson?" "Thriving." "And Darrin is talking to you." "Who?" "Oh, I'm sorry." "I didn't see you, Durwood." " Thanks." "And the name is Darrin." " That's your problem." "Now, stop it!" "Both of you." "It's all right, my dear." "I only came to see my grandson and warn you about something." "But if that's his attitude..." "Warn us about what?" "Your father." "He's coming to see his new grandson." " When?" " Today." "What?" "And now that I've delivered my message, I think I'll toddle along." "I don't want to be around when Maurice finds out." " Finds out what?" " That you didn't name the baby after him." "But we did." "Frank Maurice Stephens." "Oh, Samantha, you have a delicious sense of humour." "Do you think for one second your father will take second billing to anyone?" "Mother." "Dear." "You're the only one who can handle Daddy." " Won't you please stay?" " Are you kidding?" "My folks are gonna be here in less than an hour." " They are?" " Sam." "Oh, sweetheart." "Now don't worry." "Once Daddy arrives, no one will dare pay attention to anything else." " You sure know how to relax a guy." " Well..." "There's my little beauty." "Samantha, he looks exactly like you." "But he has Darrin's eyes." "Ah, yes, but that'll change, if we're lucky." "That's my folks." "Endora, wouldn't you just love to go upstairs and watch Tabitha while she's napping?" "No." "I wouldn't miss seeing your mother for the world." "That's what I was afraid of." " Hi, Mom." "Dad." " Hello, darling." " How are you?" "Good to see you." " How are you, dear?" "Samantha, how are you, dear?" " Sam, you look fabulous." " Why, thank you." "Oh, yes." "You'd never think to look at you that..." "You remember my mother?" " Of course." "How are you?" " How nice to see you again." "Oh, it's a pleasure to see you, too." "Samantha, do you think it's wise to have so many visitors when you've just come home from the hospital?" "Well, actually, Samantha's mother just dropped in unexpectedly." " Here, for the baby." " Oh, thank you." "Come on." "Come on in." "Oh, you brought the baby down here!" " You're the cutest-looking thing I ever saw." " Oh, hello, precious." "What a darling." "You know he's the exact replica of you, Darrin?" "He sure is." "This is adorable." "Thank you." "Just a little token." "Actually, I'm putting a nice block of stock in little Frank's name." "Who?" "Oh, Frank, the baby." "Well, that's very generous of you, but you really shouldn't." "Why not?" "After all, nothing is too good for my namesake." "Would you think it too inquisitive of me if I asked what you brought for the baby?" "Yes." "But I'll show it to you anyway." "A flower?" "Isn't that sweet." "Did you grow it yourself, or did you just throw caution to the winds and buy it?" "For your information, this is no ordinary flower." "Naturally." "The gift of beauty I give to thee." "Sweet as this flower shall you be." "Beauty is yours in mind and sight from baby's breath to the end of night." "Mother, that was lovely." "Thank you." "I don't understand." "Well, it's an old custom in our family." "Sort of symbolic." "My mother's gift is the hope that the baby will grow up to love beautiful things." "Well, isn't that curious?" " Sounds like a storm is coming up." " You can say that again." "Mom, Dad, come out on the patio." "Have I got something to show you!" "What is it?" "This." "I planted this the day the baby was born." "Well, it's very nice, but..." "Why all the urgency?" "Samantha, my darling, how are you?" "Daddy." "Daddy!" "I just want to warn you, Darrin's parents are here." "Well, why are you warning me?" "You should be warning them." "Oh, you, too, Endora." "My cup runneth over." "Excuse me." "Darrin!" "Hey, guess who's here?" "You've met my father." "You remember Mr and Mrs Stephens." " How do you do?" " Well, hello." "Hello." " How nice to see you again." " How are you?" "And you." "Samantha, you look just as radiant..." "As radiant as a daughter of mine should look." "Congratulations to you, and Dustbin." "You mean Darrin." "If you insist." "There he is." "Look at that tiny, flickering smile." "Oh, Daddy." "Babies don't smile when they're less than two weeks old." "They do if he says so." "Aren't you going to ask me what I brought as a gift?" "No." "I mean, it isn't polite to ask." "Oh, do tell us what it is." "Here we are." "Hear these words, O newborn child, on whom the universe has smiled." "With this flower, I do shed the gift of laughter on thy head." "Thank you, Daddy." "If it doesn't fit, you can exchange it." "Well, that was very nice, however, it seems that you and Endora are hoping that little Frank grows up to be a florist." "The acoustics must be faulty in here." "For a moment, I thought I heard you call the baby "Frank."" "The baby's name is Frank, after my father." "But his middle name is Maurice." "His middle name, eh?" "That is very flattering." "In fact, I'm positively thrilled." "Daddy, please." "We can't afford any more of your enthusiasm." "Excuse us." "What was that all about?" "About $150, the way I figure it." "Oh, actually, it was just some kind of an earth tremor." "Daddy, it's nothing personal." "It's just a mortal custom." "The first boy is usually named after the husband or the husband's father." "Foolish custom, my dear." "It's like a bad egg." "It's better to break it than keep it." "Oh, that's very good, Daddy." "I think this calls for an open discussion, without the presence of your in-laws." "But they just got here." "As far as I'm concerned, they've overstayed their welcome already." "Oh, Daddy, please." "Be reasonable." "This is their first visit since we brought the baby home, and, really, how can I get them to leave?" "I'm glad you asked that." "Frank." "Frank, I think it's time for us to go." " Are you getting one of your headaches?" " I'm getting something." "Darrin, tell Samantha we're leaving." "Oh, there you are." "We have to go, Samantha." "We have to." " Oh, what a shame." " Well, it's been very nice seeing all of you." " And I hope sometime we can..." " Please, Frank, let's not dawdle." "We'll see you to the car." "Endora, I don't think you'll find this very entertaining, so if you'd care to leave..." "Why, Maurice, are you telling me to get out?" "Certainly not, my dear." "I was merely suggesting if you have something better to do, perhaps you'd better." "And if I choose not to?" "Endora, how would you like a little trip to Mars?" "Oh, it's so dead up there this time of year." " Yes, but you'll liven it up." " Well, if you put it that way, I'm off." "Where's Mother?" "She's just remembered something she'd rather not do." "Well, now we've got rid of everybody, we can discuss this calmly, rationally." "Just a minute." "I'm beginning to get the picture." "Did you do something to my mother to make her act that way?" "Why your mother acts the way she does is strictly between her and her Maker." "You know what I mean." "You put a spell on her to get her to leave." " I did?" " Didn't you?" "I did." "I don't get it." "We waited all week to see the baby, and we weren't there 15 minutes and you wanted to leave." "What got into you?" "Frank, just be quiet and keep driving." " There's nothing more to be said." " Oh, yeah, well, I'll..." "Apparently, that isn't going to stop you from saying it." "Daddy." "Darrin is absolutely right." "It wasn't fair for you to do that to his mother." "Oh, stop this eternal bickering." "Where are we going?" "Where do you think?" "Home." "But this is ridiculous." "I waited all week to see the baby and all we did was say hello." "Frank, what's gotten into you?" "To tell you the truth, I had almost hoped for twins, so I wouldn't have to face this problem." "Twins, eh?" "Well, that could be arranged." "No, thanks." "Now look, it's as simple as this." "A baby can't have two first names, so we had to make a choice." "My dear chap, you're not labouring under the misapprehension that I want the baby named after me?" " You don't?" " Nothing could be further from my mind." " I don't get it." " You will." "It's just that Frank is a dubious name at best, and quite unsuitable for a warlock." "Well, maybe we'll be lucky this time, and the baby will turn out to be 100% mortal." "For the sake of my daughter's happiness, I'll pretend I didn't hear that." "If you will excuse me," "I think I will take the baby out of the line of fire." "See you later, Maurice." " There, doesn't that sound better?" " The baby's name is Frank." "Darrin, will you please calm down?" " Samantha, stay out of this." " Sweetheart, you're being very foolish." "I don't care what he does to me." "It's my son, and I'll decide what his name is going to be." "And furthermore, not meaning any disrespect, Maurice, but it's none of your business!" "Daddy, will you please control yourself?" "You know why you and Darrin clash, don't you?" "Because you're both so much alike." "You're both men who refuse to compromise." "How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless child." "You dare to compare your father with this papier-mâché mortal?" "This..." "This reflection of a man?" "I'll put him where he belongs." "You..." "What did you do with him?" "Sam?" "Get me out of here!" "Oh, my stars!" "Don't you worry, sweetheart." "I'll have you out of there in five seconds." "Daddy, I am going to count to three, and by that time, I want Darrin out of there." "One, two, three." "Four?" "Be patient, Darrin." " Now I know where I get my stubborn streak." " I am not stubborn." " How about obstinate?" " Well, that's better." "Thank you." "Oh, Daddy, it just isn't fair." "Now I want you to get him out of there immediately." "Only if he agrees to change the baby's name." "I refuse!" "Suit yourself." "Boy, are you a bum sport." "Sam, it's freezing in here." " Why is it cold?" " Just luck." "I'll get rid of whoever it is." "Don't move, sweetheart." "Hello, Samantha." "We're back." "Phyllis wants to apologise for leaving so abruptly." "Please, Frank." "I can do my own apologising." "Well, aren't you going to let us in?" "Of course." "I didn't realise that that was why you..." "Is your wife gone?" "Gone, but the memory lingers on." "Where's Darrin?" "Well, something came up unexpectedly, and he had to leave." " What's that?" " Do you like it?" "Yeah, well, Darrin had it done just recently." "It's something new." "Yes." "It projects your image into a mirror." "Why, that's sensational." "I never saw anything so lifelike." "You know, it's the strangest thing." "The eyes seem to be following you." "Yeah, well, that's part of the effect." "One of my father's inventions." "Why, that's terrific." "I didn't know you were interested in photography." "I'm a jack of all trades." " Frank." " Yes?" "I just saw him move." "Oh, Phyllis, take a pill." "I think you and I should have a little talk." "Do you know I had just the same idea?" "I'm always on the lookout for a good investment." "Let me ask you some questions." "Now, when did you take out the patent for this process?" "Oh, many, many years ago." "I tell you, this is just what I've been looking for." "Tell me something, Frank..." "By the way, is that short for Franklin?" "No, no." "Just plain Frank." "Yeah." "An appellation you have to share with the lowly hot dog." "Still, it's a good, simple, unadorned name." "Yeah, well, it suits me." "Down to the ground." "Of course, there is one drawback about having a namesake." "What is that?" "Well, in order to distinguish between the two, people inevitably refer to one as "big" and the other as "little."" "You know, that's true." "I was named after my grandfather, and I've been "Little Frank" to my family ever since." "And you don't find that amusing?" "It's a pain in the neck, if you want to know the truth." "You don't say?" "What does your father do for a living?" "Well, he's sort of retired, like Mr Stephens." "I hope he enjoys it more." "Look at that." "What?" "Darrin's picture." "What about it?" "Frank?" " Yes?" " I want to go home." "Excuse me." " What is it now?" " I finally got that headache I was expecting." "Daddy, I want you to get Darrin out of there this minute, or I'll..." "I..." "I don't know what." "All you have to do is to ask." " See?" " Thanks, for nothing." "You're welcome, for nothing." "Daddy, wait a minute." "What suddenly made you decide to give in?" "I had a nice little talk with your father-in-law, and he volunteered he'd rather not have the baby named after him." "Sure." "You had a nice little talk and put him under a nice little spell." "On my word of honour, I swear I did nothing of the sort." " Your word of what?" " Darrin." "Why doesn't he want the baby named after him?" "Because he doesn't want the baby called "Little Frank" all his life." "Yeah, that always did bug Dad." "Well, it seems we're a united family once more, so to speak." "Well, before I take off," "I'll just go up and kiss little Maurice goodbye." "Daddy, wait a minute." "I hope you won't take offence, but..." "Do you really think "Maurice" is such a hot name?" ""Hot"?" "Perhaps not." "But resounding, yes." "Maurice!" " How does "Maury" strike you?" " Maury?" "Yes." "That's what all the kids will be calling him." "Before you know it, we'll all be calling him Maury." "Nobody ever dared call me Maury." "Actually, as long as we don't have to name the baby Frank, there is a name I'm very fond of..." "Adam." "That was my great-grandfather's name." "Adam was your great-grandfather?" "Not that Adam." "Adam, huh?" "Adam." "Adam Stephens." "No." "No, I don't like it." " Why not?" " I don't know." "I just don't like it." "Fine." "You've expressed your opinion and now you can keep out of it, or I'll put you back in that mirror, permanently." "Well, I guess I'm outvoted." "First sensible thing you've said today, Dolphin." "Now, I'll just pop up and say good night to little Adam." "That was very clever of you, sweetheart." "I knew if I said I liked the name, he'd hate it, just to be disagreeable." "You see, you worry too much." "Everything turned out just fine, didn't it?" "Oh, sure." "My mother's home with a nervous breakdown," "I almost freeze to death in a mirror, and my father thinks he's going to make a million dollars with a non-existent invention." "But for your family everything turned out fine." "Sweetheart, the important thing is everything turned out all right for our family." "Well, when you put it that way, who can argue?" " Here you go." " Thanks." "What a day." "I tell you, I'm exhausted." "Yes, I know." "Daddy can be pretty tiring." "Cheers." "I suppose it could have been worse." "I don't know how." "Mommy, the baby's up." "Oh, maybe I better change him." "Don't change him." "I like him the way he is." " You don't think that's funny?" " Hilarious." "Why don't we send it in to the "Adorable Sayings of Children"" "in the Witch's Digest?" " Oh, hi, Sam." "Hi, Darrin." " Hi, Dad." "How's Mom?" "Oh, she's fine." "I gave her an ice bag for her head, and she's happy." "Well, if it isn't my big little girl." "Hello, sweetie!" " How do you like your new baby brother?" " Fine." "We're not gonna change him." "She means we're going to keep him." "Isn't that cute?" "Hilarious." "Tabitha, why don't you run upstairs and keep the baby company?" " I'll be up in a minute." " Yes." "Good idea." "See you later." "I just talked to this fella that I know." "He is the head of the number one photo outfit of the country." "And I was telling him about this new process that Sam's father has invented." " Yeah, well, I..." " You know, he wouldn't believe me." "So I want to borrow the picture and bring it over to..." " What happened to it?" " Well, that's what I was trying to tell you." "Tell him, Sam." "Well, actually, that's one of the problems with my father's invention." " It fades." " Yeah, fades." "He never mentioned that to me." "Oh, he's very sensitive about that." "Yeah, sensitive." "Well, this is very embarrassing." "What am I going to say to this fella?" "He's the head of the number one photo outfit of the country." "Well, why don't you just tell him you decided to deal with number two because they try harder." "Hey, that's not a bad idea." "No." "I'll think of something."