"Excuse me!" "The Frenchman's house?" "Fuckin'!" "Kike?" "Bonjour!" "?" "Kike?" "Motherfucker!" "You bastard!" "It's four o'clock in the morning," "I thought you arrived at six in the afternoon." "Yes, but yesterday." "I've been looking for this fucking house all day." "Ah, all day and all night." "How was the trip?" "Ok, ok." "But you could have come to pick me up, couldn't you?" "When you come to Barcelona I always pick u up." "I know." "But I don't have a car." "Then you should come to the harbor and we'd both get a taxi." "Yeah, right, and I pay for the taxi on the way there." "Very clever..." "Anyway I was quite clear:" "Santa Ines." "Yes, Santa Ines, but the name of the village is not enough to find your house." "But I told you to ask for the Frenchman's house." "Look, I must have been in every singles Frenchman's fucking house in this area, there must be about 200, so what?" "Have they colonized the island or what?" " What did you bring?" "Only this?" " Yes" "Look, I just come from a house where a guy came out with a sawn-off shotgun, and a Doberman." "I thought they were illegal." "Doberman?" "Ah, so you were in the Russian's house." "Whatever." "And do you think you can see anything through these shitty roads." "I don't know, they could put some signs, some lampposts or something." "I know, this is like the moors of "An American werewolf in London"." "Remember?" "Yes, I can remember your family, bastard!" "The Frenchman's house..." "At least you could have give me the name." "I didn't want them to know you were coming." "So how am I supposed to find the place?" "Well, as you did." "By elimination." "Listen, kid, you don't deserve it, but I bought you a present." "Look." "Well, thanks a lot, some sun glasses." "No, no, it's only the case." "But they are a good brand." "Ah, ok, I can keep my drawing pins... clips..." "Your little things." "Cool." "Anyway, this is your room..." "I can't believe your went to the Russian's house..." "I think that guy is a repented mobster, and he's here on a witness protection program, you know." "What surprises me is that he didn't shoot you and then feed you to the Doberman." "Well, this is your room." "Smells a bit, doesn't it?" "A friend of mine was here last month." "Here are your pillows, and if you're cold you can wear this sheep skin." "The kitchen is there... the bathroom..." "a fridge if you get hungry, are you hungry?" "No, no." "I'm stuffed..." "I've eating a whole bag of pork scratchings." "Pork scratchings!" "Aghh, they get stuck and you can't swallow them." "They're very nice." "Anyway, we'll speak tomorrow." "I'm knackered." "I'm going to sleep" "What?" "Are you serious?" "See you." "Don't switch the light off you bastard!" "Hi." "I'm Adria." "Kike's friend." "Jan." "Ah, well." "Thank you for letting me stay." "When Kike asked me I said no, but then he said you weren't here and you didn't mind," "but I can see you are here." "Anyway, I will only stay for a couple of days... you know... to get away from the city and the hustle and bustle and all that." "It's very calm here, isn't it?" "O maybe not." "Excuse me, do you speak Spanish?" "Yes, but I don't speak very much." "Ah!" "Oh, you're up!" "This is Jan, Pierre's cousin who is the owner of the house." "Pierre?" "Jan, Adria." "Adria, Jan." "Yes, we already know each other." "Good." "Listen." "We should go to buy milk There isn't much left." "Yes, I was going now." "Ok, wait, listen!" "Get me what is on this list as well." "Like that we are done for the week." "Peppers..." "Onion..." "Do you want some money?" "No." "Er... ok, wait." "Jan!" "Jan!" "Wait." "Here, don't say I don't contribute to the house." "Do you want anything in particular?" "Nuts, chewing-gum, sweets..." "Bring ass paper." "But don't bring the peach one." "Bring the normal one." "Every time he brings the peach one, I get a rash." "But, what do you mean?" "It itches?" "God!" "My asshole is like a strawberry donut." "Well, he told me he didn't speak much Spanish." "He did?" "No, he must have said he doesn't speak much, but in general." "He is very quiet." "Why didn't you tell me he was here?" "You know I hate imposing on people." "But he is also a guest." "He's been waiting for his cousin for three weeks, I don't think he has anywhere to go." "I like having him here though, he does the shopping, he fixed the cellar's light the toilet tank." "He's a handyman!" "And he pays for everything." "And when is the owner back?" "Ah, well..." "A month..." "Two months." "Do you want any breakfast?" "Ok" "There's fresh coffee." "Jan made it." "But." "Didn't you have a flat in San Antonio?" "Yes." "I'm renting it while I'm here." "I see, so you're a scrounging off a friend..." "And not paying a cent." "While you rent your flat." "And for loads of money." "What a bastard!" "And you are lucky I don't charge you anything, you know?" "Last month Marcelo stayed and I got 50 euros a day." "Marcelo?" "And the wanker paid you?" "Of course!" "A country house in Ibiza, in the middle of August for50 euros, is dirt cheap!" "And you stuck him in that shitty bedroom where I slept?" "Because..." "It's a country bedroom." "Country?" "A shitty room full of dust?" "There is more dust on my TV in San Antonio than in the whole of this house." "Yeah, that's true." "And with all the damp you can't feel the dust." "Don't exaggerate!" "Exaggerate?" "I thought the wall was covered with a green carpet!" "That's natural!" "Anyway in summer it really cools you down." "Yeah, but has the owner ever cleaned it?" "No, here in the country everything regenerates." "Look, when I arrived, there were some massive mushrooms under my bed." "I made some lovely omelettes." "Yeah, and I made some curtains with some cobwebs." "I know a guy who uses them to stuff cushions." "That's disgusting!" "Well, you haven't been in the bathroom." ""L'économique avant le social."" "So, what are you doing now?" "Well, I'm still at the newspaper." "Do you remember I was doing the gossip column?" "Well, I've been moved." "I wrote an article which spoke about the boyfriend of someone on TV..." "One of those wankers?" "A wanker." "Anyway, the newspaper got pissed off with me, so they moved me to the sports section." "As they know I don't like it." "So there you go, now I'm with Fernando Alonso, he is getting a lot of coverage, it's as if no other sport exists." "Yeah." "I don't understand how they can consider a sport, to jump in a car and bomb around a track, there is no physical effort." "By that equation, lorry drivers would be the best sportsmen, and they are fat and have these love handles." "Well, sumo wrestlers are also fat and it's a sport." "Yeah, but there's physical effort." "Well." "Maybe." "But it's a competition which I think is important." "Well, the "mus" card game is a competition, and they don't talk about it in the sports pages." "Yeah." "And in some countries even chess is considered a sport, it must be the horses." "In the "mus" card game there are also horses." "Horse riding, horse riding is a sport." "And it's Olympic!" "Yeah." "Well." "The horse does all the effort." "Of course." "And the guy on top doesn't even sweat." "That's true." "So the horses should get the medals, as they are the ones who run and jump." "I'm sure they would jump more without the guy on top, anyway, they're trained they should jump on their own!" "Of course." "For example, a dog race." "A dog race is not a sport, but if there was a guy on top of the running dog then I'm sure it would be." "Well, if it was Saint Bernard racing." "I don't think a guy could ride a greyhound." "I saw a film in which two women were being ridden by a dog, and they came first!" "Shit, I downloaded "The sea inside" from the internet." "I think I made a mistake and typed "See inside", so I ended up watching a couple of chicks sucking a horse's dick!" "Isn't a horse's dick ugly!" "If you erase the horse and leave it on its own, you don't know if it's a dick or salami!" "I don't know." "I just think it's stupid to use a heart as a symbol of love, it's a bloody organ." "When you see a heart in the market it's disgusting." "Yes, but when you draw it, it looks better than a kidney or a liver." "I know, but a drawing has nothing to do with a real heart." "True, it looks more like the end of a horse's dick than a human heart." "Of course." "So why isn't a liver used as a symbol of hate?" "Just like at school you wrote:" "Pepito-heart-Vanessa, you would write:" "Pepito-liver-Perales, well, it would be Perales-liver-Pepito, because Perales was always beating everyone up." "Anyway, I don't know how to draw a liver, so..." "Who was Pepito?" "Well..." "Anyone." "It's a way of speaking." "But it's wrong." "Why?" "A Pepito could never go for a Vanessa." "I mean, if a father names his daughter Vanessa, automatically she's going to be sexy, definitely!" "So, Pepito and Vanessa doesn't work." "But my brother's name is Pepe." "And we've always called him Pepito." "Ok, and his wife?" "Pili." "You see?" "!" "I can remember Vanessa." "She was fit." "Shit, man, we were in first grade and she had massive tits." "I didn't even have pubes, and her bra was bigger than my mother's." "And how did you know yours mother's bra size?" "Fuck!" "Because they were hanging on the..." "Oh!" "You take everything literally." "No, but." "It's a way of speaking." "Do you know I met her a few months ago in Barcelona?" "Who?" "My mother?" "No, dummy!" "Vanessa." "And?" "Fuck me!" "Have her tits grown?" "Yes, but downwards." "That's normal." "You can't defy gravity forever." "The truth is she isn't that hot." "She's a bit fatter, but she's still OK!" "As she got pregnant in college..." "That's were I was heading, she was with her daughter." "Who's now 13... 14... 14." "She's 14." "Well, the daughter was hotter than the mother." " 14." "Yes, 14." " 14, yes, yes." "Well, I would have liked to do her you know?" "It was my dream." "Your dream was to do it with anyone." "And the dirty bitch got pregnant with a wanker who was doing the military service, and only because he wasn't from around here." "Typical, typical." "I'm sure in his village he was a common Pepito." "Pepito?" "Well, I'd say he was more like Perales." "He was a big guy." "Well, sometimes I jerk off thinking about Vanessa." "But now that I know she has a hot daughter, did you take any pictures?" "No, no." "But if you could ever do it with her daughter." "Careful." "Shit, you could end up in jail, she's a minor." "Those laws haven't been thought properly." "Most of these girls go out more when they're 15 than you and I at 30, they smoke, they drink, they take drugs tattoos, they pierce their tongue..." "And their clit." "So, if they can hold a cigarette in their hand, they can also hold a dick." "Oh, they can hold it." "Awhile later I was in a bar and I saw Vanessa's daughter with a..." "One of these guys, shaved head, skinny with a scooter with a big exhaust pipe." "A git." "Yeah, a git." "One of those gits." "He was kissing her, feeling her tits, and I thought: "You lucky bastard!"" "Bastard!" "I'm jealous." "I never thought I'd be jealous of a guy like that." "Seriously, I was very jealous." "And so you should be, have you seen the computer games they have?" "Playstation 1, Playstation 2, X-box, Dreamcast, Engage," "Ice-cube." "Game cube." "Ice cube is a rapper." "Well, I had a Spectrum 48K and I thought it was fucking advanced." "My father bought me the MSX in Andorra with the cartridges." "Remember?" "Cool." "Do you know the one I liked?" "Commodore 64." "That was wicked." "It wasn't bad, but you could see the pixels more." "No way, man." "It was cool." "Have you noticed that mobile phones now, have better games than the arcade ones of our time?" "Scary, isn't it?" "The other day my nephew had a CD on, with every single game, he downloaded them, all the arcade games, all of them." "No way." "All of them!" "Ghosts and goblins?" "Yeah." "Donkey kong?" "Yeah." "Pac-man?" "Pac-man?" "Which one was Pac-man?" "The yellow ball." "Oh Yeah!" "Out-Run?" "Olympic Games?" "Nemesis?" "Yeah, yeah, yeah!" "Shit!" "My first game was TV-tennis You know?" "Two sticks." "Really good!" "Do you remember the cassette you played to load a game?" "Yeah." "I still have it." "You spend two hours charging." "Ok, you don't have to charge it." "You might get an error and end up half stupid..." "True." "Towards the end you got an "error" and had to charge it again." " Not "cassette"." "CASSETTE" "Sorry, I remember it like that, it was a cassette like this." "CASSETTE" "Well, it was a cassette this size, but now I've grown it might be smaller." "There you go." "True." "Ok, well I didn't only use it to load games, it was also my stereo." "Sad!" "I remember I'd play Rocky III or Superman on the video," "I'd record with the cassette player and keep my family quiet to record my music." "Sad!" "Cool." "Do you know what pisses me off but I like it?" "DVD." "DVD?" "DVD." "I've been told it's cool." "Yeah, it's wicked, but," "I had more than 2000 films on video," "I had two videos so I..." "I'd copy." "For example "Superman"." "I'd go to the video shop rent it and tape it." "Pirate!" "No, that's the way it is." "Then after a while it was on TV widescreen format, so I taped it again." "Widescreen?" "Yeah, then it was on satellite also on widescreen and subtitled, so I taped it again!" "My father came from Andorra with a stereo video, so I recorded it in stereo." "And then when I think I have the final copy," "Bang!" "Fucking DVD appears!" "I have to buy fucking Superman again on DVD!" "Well, at least now you have the final copy." "Soon there will be the director's cut, with extra scenes, commentary from the director..." "Do you know the scene when Lois Lane is flying over New York with Superman?" "Sure." "Well, they're going to remaster it without the Twin Towers." "That's ridiculous!" "Why?" "By that equation they should show all the scenes with Christopher Reeves, in a wheelchair." "Don't be stupid!" "They did it with Spiderman and took out the Twin Towers." "Yes, but Spiderman was a production made that year." "They aren't going to edit every single American film where you can see, the Twin Towers and erase them!" "These Yankees!" "Until you get the next blockbuster, and it's fashionable again." "As they did with "Titanic"." ""Titanic"." "Well, I'd like to watch a film about the Twin Towers." "Don't you have enough every anniversary?" "Well." "It's on all day." "The news at midday, bang!" "At night, bang!" "All the images that we saw on 9/11." "Yes, but I have a producer's mind." "I'm sure it would make loads of money." "I don't know." "I'm sure." "I don't know, people know the ending." "Yes, but they also know the ending of "The passion" and everyone's seen it." "What would the title be?" "It can't be "The two towers"" "Not even 11'09"01." "There was a film with that title the following year." "Really?" "It can't have made any money I've never heard of it." "11 short films from 11 directors 11 minutes long." "Everything is 11." "How stupid!" "What if it happened on the 30th?" "Thirty short films, thirty minutes long from thirty directors?" "Ridiculous!" "I'd call it something with a bit more impact, like "Ground Zero:" "Total disaster"." "Or "The park is mine"" "Oh, yeah, with Tommy Lee Jones." "A video shop classic!" "What's wrong with that actor?" "Has he ever been young?" "Film titles used to have more impact." "Yes, for example:" ""Kill them boss, I'll help you"" "Or "Shoot hard, harder, I don't understand"" ""Somebody blew over the cock's nest"." ""Ferris Bueller's jerk off"." "Yeah, they were in the local video shop next to the "Carry on" films." " And the Jaimito films" " Jaimito!" " Alvaro Vitali, shit, he was good!" ""Jaimito Dynamite"." ""Jaimito doesn't forgive", "Jaimito against everyone"." " Yeah, and "El super macho" was also very good." "Alvaro Vitali wasn't in "El supermacho"." "What do you mean he wasn't?" "He was on the cover!" "It wasn't Alvaro Vitali." "It was his face on the cover but he wasn't in it." "I had a good laugh with those films They were crap!" "What do you expect from a 40 year old man who pretends he's 10?" "Beer." "Great!" "I was working with Floren, didn't I tell you?" "Floren?" "!" "He's great!" "I haven't seen him in ages!" "What a voice!" "He sounds like Darth Vader, when he arrives:" "4,1 on the Richter scale." "He also had a problem breathing." "Yeah, he used Ventolin." "Darth Vader." "Yeah, the same as Darth Vader." "And you were working with him?" "Where?" "In his woodshop?" "No, in his house at weekends, recording cïs." "Then we would sell them in Mateo's bar, in Ducati, music, games, films..." "Everything before it came out in the shops." "We made a fortune." "Yeah, but the equipment was his?" "Yes." "And you recorded the cïs with this equipment of course, he bought the cïs, knowing you." "Yes." "So." "What did you do?" "Did you distribute them?" "No, I only checked the sound was perfect." "If you fool a client once he will never buy again." "True." "And as Floren was deaf." "What?" "Really?" "All of a sudden?" "Yes, all of a sudden." "He was in the bathroom cleaning his ear with a cotton bud, when his brother who was incontinent came in for a shit, hit the door hitting his elbow and, all the way in." "Shit, how painful!" "They removed it surgically." "Poor bastard!" "He was also half blind, because his glasses were really thick, and now he's deaf." "Well only from one ear?" "Yes, the right ear." "So he's only half deaf." "Half deaf." "So I don't understand, he could check the cïs himself, why the fuck did he needs you?" "Well, to check the sound was perfect, if we had recorded in mono you'd be right, but we were recording in stereo so I had to check them thoroughly." "Also the clients have two ears." "Are you pissed off I made some money or what?" "Me?" "No, no." "I also helped with the packaging and with the programme, he was also missing two or three fingers from the wood shop." "Oh, yeah, poor guy!" "At least he can walk, can't he?" "Yeah, that's the only sense he still has." "Sorry, walking isn't a sense Tact is a sense, although his wasn't very good because he was missing fingers." "Well, it should be." "If tact is a sense walking should be too." "So the only healthy sense he has left is smell." "He smells, doesn't he?" "Loads." "He got scared of the bathroom after the incident, and he didn't shower in three or four weeks." "He stunk!" "What a pig!" "Ok." "Let see." "If you can't see you're blind, if you can't hear you're deaf, and if you can't smell?" "If you don't smell you are?" "Clean?" "Blind, deaf, mute, armless, what about those who can't smell?" "Unsmelly?" "Yes, unsmelly." "And do you do pirate copies anymore?" "No, they caught Floren, and he's been in jail six months." "Cool." "And they didn't catch you?" "Me?" "Why?" "It was his equipment, his tapes he distributed them," "I only went to his house to listen to music." "Of course." "Look, here comes the Frenchman." "The owner?" "No." "Jan. Hey, Jan!" "Putain de moto de merde!" " So, Jan, what did you buy?" " Food." " Food?" "What's this?" " Muesli." " Muesli?" "!" " Cereal." "Cereal?" "What are we?" "Canaries?" "Jan, you must buy real food, this is for birds." "People eat ham, lentils, Paella." "Food." " You have paella for breakfast?" " No." "The French don't know how to eat." "French cuisine is the best in the world." "Yes, you only have to compare a French omelette with a Spanish omelette, in one, you have a simple scrambled egg, and in the other you have potatoes, onion, garlic, the best from the farm." "Which is better?" " That is an "eseption"." " "Eseption","eseption"." "There are many"eseptions":" "Cocido, paella, fabada, gazpacho, and in the other, posh food:" "Soufflé of this, canary pate." "You're really laying in to the French guy." "He doesn't even understand half of what I say." "Anyway, I don't like the French." "Well, you're living surrounded by them." "Since I worked in Andorra as a waiter, I can't look at them." "I'm always telling you:" "You don't adapt to places." "You don't adapt." "I do adapt." "I was in Pas de La Casa, on the French border to leam French." "But the bastards wouldn't let me." "Someone would come to pay and say:" ""Convian?" and I'd say: "doscentventcinc"" "They'd say: "eh?" "Doscentventicinc"." "It's clear, isn't it?" ""Doscentventcinc"." "They'd say: "no comprapá, no comprapá". "doscentventcinc!"" "In the end I'd write the amount, because it doesn't matter if you say it in Spanish or English, because they don't understand another language." "They'd say:" ""Aaah, doscentventcinc!"." "They'd say it the same as I did but with a French accent!" "Assholes!" "And they paid you as if you were stupid." "Really bad." "Ok, but don't generalize." "Italians are the same." "I've been to Italy a few times and they speak to me in Italian:" "Pasta, pizza, gorgonzola..." "I understand most of it, but when I speak to them in Spanish, they don't understand." ""No capito", and I end up looking like and idiot." "No, but the French are worse." "Once I was waiting on some tables when two couples came and I said:" ""Ah, bon nuit, bon nuit." "Quesque ti vulé?"" "And one of the girls said:" ""Ah, you are Spanish?"" ""Don't worry, I speak Spanish"." "So I think: "Fucking great!" We start to speak, and a great conversation..." "You see?" "The French are not that bad." "Anyway, the girl is talking and when she finishes, I say:" ""Your Spanish is very good." "Have you had lessons?"" ""No, no lessons, but thanks."" ""You see, in France all the maids, you say so, maids?"" ""All the maids are Spanish."" ""And I've had a few maids"" "What a bitch!" "So I say: "Wait, let me tell you the menu in French"" "So I tell her the whole menu:" ""Guanxiflon, isigoganese." Everything's cool." "When I finish she says:" ""Oh, la, la, you speak very good French!" "Have you had lessons?"" "So I say:" "Thanks, no I haven't, but in my village all the whores were French so I learnt." "That's a joke, you bastard!" "I know, but it woulïve been cool if it had happened." "What are we eating?" "I don't know." "The French guy will make something." "He's a very good cook." "He's a chef." "Since I've been here I've put on five kilos." "Shit, yeah, look at those love handles, you bastard!" "What are you talking about?" "It's relaxed muscle." "Relaxed muscle." "I think the supermarket plastic bags are a marketing tactic." "Why?" "Do you know anyone that still buys those black and blue plastic bags?" " Those that you pay for." " But those were shit." "By the time you could tie them up the sides would split, and the rubbish would fall everywhere." "That's why they made the light blue ones, the ones with the string." "You'd tie them up, the only problem was they dripped." "Yeah, a river of slime from your house to the lift, all down the stairs and to the rubbish container." "Disgusting!" "And then you'd go in the lift..." "And a puddle of shit inside, someone would walk in:" "Splash, splash." "Then he'd go home open the door, Splash, splash, and your shit was all over the building, in every house." "I know." "That's why supermarkets brought out these bags, which had super resistant handles and you could tie them super-tight." " Sure, they were from the supermarket." " Yeah, it must be that." "Then you'd go to the rubbish container, see all the brands on the supermarket bags, and think:" ""Advertising." "Advertising"." "Within the shit, but advertising." "But it's their shit." "Because you go to those supermarkets, buy their products, stick them in their bags, take them home, consume them, stick their shit in their bags again, to throw them in the rubbish container." " Their shit." " What shitty advertising!" " This is great!" " Thanks." " I told you the frog was a good cook." " What is it?" "Crème Rappeneau aux fines herbes et petits escargots." "Doesn't mean anything to me." "It's a mixture of earthly products." "Yesterday he made a salad of earth molluscs." "I love snails." "But they were snails without a shell:" "Slug salad." "That's disgusting!" "Slugs and snails are the same thing:" "Gastropod molluscs." "Some have a shell, some don't." "Yeah, but it's really important!" "It's not the same if a chicken lays an egg with a shell or one without a shell." "What do you care?" "You then remove it to eat it." "The flavor's the same." "Lf he hadn't told me they were slugs, I never would have known." "But did you see them?" "No, they were sliced." "But slugs are slimy!" "So are snails." "I prefer to call it discharge." "Look, call it what you want, but slime is slime." "Well, they were really nice with salt and oil." "Ok." "Stop!" "You're making me sick!" "The discharge keeps them clean." "Slugs are more hygienic than pigs for example, and you eat their tongue and their penis without a problem." "A pig's penis?" "!" "I've never eaten a pig's penis in my life!" "But you've seen some girls eating a horse's." "It's also a delicacy in Cantonese cuisine." "Look, Frenchman, I thought you didn't speak much." "So, shut up!" "Weren't you going out with a girl?" "No, not anymore." "We broke up a few months ago." "Who broke up?" "You or her?" "I did." "She still thinks we're together." "Didn't I say we broke up?" "Both of us." "It sounds like it was her." "Well, never mind." "She was hysterical and very bossy." "Bossy?" "!" "How old are you?" "12?" "I didn't think that word was used anymore." "We always had to do what she said." "Probably because she was a woman." "No." "I've been with girls half as complicated as this one." "But you know, I don't care." "Now when I go out with another girl, I tell her I've been dumped, and she becomes really affectionate." "You know, more understanding." "But if it's the other way round they think you're a bastard." "I must be a saint." "I've never dumped a woman." "Fuckin' flies!" "What is this?" "Fuckin' Vietnam?" "So, why did she dump you?" "I don't know." "She said she needed time to think, time to be with herself, time for..." "Women are obsessed with time." "First they want all your time and then they want it back to think!" "Think!" "What a stupid excuse!" "To be honest, I thought she was the one." " No shit!" " Yeah, yeah, yeah." " Really?" " Yeah." "We were together two years." "We were even looking for a flat." "A flat?" "Shit, man." "It's so nice to be free and single." "It's just that I like women." "Fuck me!" "And I like horses!" "I mean to have relationships with them." "To be close to them." "I know." "I also like to have my clothes ironed, my meals cooked, but for that I have my mum, and now I have Jan." "You are sexist." "No, not sexist." "I don't mind if it's my mother, another woman or Jan." "Weren't you seeing Monica?" " "Fresh mouth"?" " "Fresh mouth"?" "Yes, I call her "Fresh mouth" because she had a big hooter, so her mouth was always in the shade at room temperature." "No, she was a pain in the ass." "She only wanted to travel." ""Why don't we go to Portugal?" Portugal?" "!" "What the fuck is there in Portugal?" "I'm not going to spend a fortune just to see Portuguese people." "I prefer to buy a Playstation 2, which is more useful." " Of course." "And it doesn't end after two weeks." "That's the pain about traveling, when you return, you're back to square one and with no money." " You never took heron holiday?" " Oh, yes." "Precisely the last month we were together, I took heron holiday." "And the following month, the bitch dumped me." "Where did you go?" "Seville and Barcelona." "Seville?" "To the April fair?" "No, in February, you see, my uncle died, we went to the funeral." "And Barcelona?" "The connection." "There wasn't a direct flight from Seville to Ibiza, so we stopped off in Barcelona." "I'm worried about getting old and being alone." " Midlife crisis." " No, I went through that ages ago." "I was even seeing a psychologist." "A psychologist?" "!" "I always thought they were charlatans." "No, the other way round." "They don't say a word and let you speak." "Then they're conmen." "The only thing they do is listen to your problems, make you remember traumas and blame other people for them, normally your family." "Do you know what I'm shit scared of?" "Look, this." "Look at those chunks of dandruff!" "No, the hairline." "Look, you can see my scalp." "And I've so many grey hairs soon I'll look like my dad." "Well, use Grecian 2000." "Yeah, and be like one of those guys with colored hair, who looks like they're wearing a wig." "No way." "Then when your hair grows, and mine grows a lot, you can see the grey bits again, so then your hair is half white and half black, two-tone." "You look like a domino." "George Clooney is a sex symbol and he has a lot of grey hair." "Yes, and a lot of money." "Anyway, the grey hair doesn't bother me that much." "What really worries me is losing my hair." "And while I loose it here, it's appearing in my hears, on my back." "That must be gravity." "Hair cells don't have the strength to hold on to the hair and fall downwards." "They try to grow as near as possible from their point of origin." "At least they stick to their role." "Yeah, but I loved having my ear licked, and now if girls stick their tongue in my ear, it ends up covered in hair." "I don't like that." "Let them get used to it." "When you're playing with your tongue down there, you get the occasional hair in your mouth!" "What's a mystery for me is bellybutton fluff." "I'm sure I have some." "See?" "It's like a spider." "Black fluff." "And I showered this morning." "The t-shirt is white and it's black." "Look, I have some too." "But mine is thicker." "Of course, as I'm losing my hair." "I know a guy who keeps all of it in a chocolate jar, and when it's full, he makes a little cushion, to use on the Easter walks, for his shoulder." "Yes, like the guy with the cobwebs." "Yesterday Kike Torres called me, and I told him I was here, and we should meet up." "No way, man." "You meet him if you want." "But, why?" "He's cool and always buys rounds." "No, I don't like going out with people who have the same name as I do." "If we're in a bar and someone says:" "Kike, we both turn around." "And they're always calling him." "I end up looking like an idiot." " Also his hands sweat a hell of a lot." " So do my feet, so what?" "Because he's forever slapping you on the back and touching your arm." "What are you doing, you bastard?" "!" "You've just pissed!" "He does it to dry his hands." "If he didn't sweat so much." "He never finishes his cigarettes because they get wet." "Well, he said he got married." " Yes, with sponge woman." " Is she fit?" "Not bad." "Ok." "Long curly hair." "Pube hair." "And Kike." "Shit!" "You see?" "I don't like it." "I don't like using my name for another person." "Anyway, he's forever touching her hair and saying: "My wife has beautiful hair..."" "By the end of the night, her hair is so wet, it looks like she just got out of the shower." " I'm beginning to not want to meet him." " It's the right thing." "I'm sure he wants to sell you an insurance policy." "Fuck me!" "He's now one of those insurance people?" " Yeah!" " Then I'm definitely not meeting him." "He left Amway and now he sells insurance." "He's already chewed my head:" ""It's very precise, man."" ""And a big responsibility if there is a fire or anything"." "He shit me up." ""You must get insurance." "You must get insurance"." "You know, I don't have anything at home:" "A TV, a fridge..." "And he kept insisting." "He said: "Look, if a car crashes into your house you're covered by the insurance"." " But you live on a sixth floor." " That's what I said." " He said: "Well, it could be a plane"." " Oh, of course, a plane." "As if a plane crashed in my house I'd worry about the fucking fridge!" "Well, if the insurance pays for it." "But then they'd say: "No, the pilot was drunk so you're not covered", or "It was a twin propeller engine and it can only be jet planes"." "Fuck off!" "But, in the end, did you get the insurance?" "Yeah." "But after a couple of weeks my boiler broke." " So I called the "tecnician"." " Technician." " Technician." "Technician" " Anyway." "The "tecnician"." "Whatever, the guy arrives and says:" ""This isn't included because the water is hard"." ""The boiler has broken because the water is hard"." " Fuck, that's why I insured it!" " So, did you call Kike?" "Yes, but he said: "I'm on holiday and it's not a good time."" ""But anyway the boiler isn't included"." "Fucking bastards!" " But did they pay or not?" " No, they didn't pay." "But soon after there was a storm, and all the appliances in the neighborhood got fucked." "As I had disconnected the electricity I was OK." "I acquired a burnt TV, a burnt video, a burnt DVD, a microwave also burnt, put it all in my house and called the "tecnician"." " Technician, technician." " Well." "The "tecnician"." "He arrives, fills in the form and I got shit loads of money." " Very good!" " Then I cancelled my policy." "Fuck them!" "Do you know what you are?" "Do you know what you are?" "You are the fucking man." "The fucking man!" "Look, there's Jan." "Hey, Jan, look at him." "Where are you going, man?" "To the village." "Need anything?" "Now you mention it, bring some beers." "The screw top ones." "Going for dinner?" " To a pub, France plays today." " Oh, yeah, the European Cup!" " Why don't you have a TV at home?" " Yeah, that's what I say!" "Jan, buy a TV!" "One of those big flat screen ones!" "With "life" colors!" ""Life"?" ""Life"." "Cut." "The other day a Japanese guy broke a record:" "23 hours going round a football pitch with a carton of milk on his head." "What was the record for?" "The longest time being an asshole?" "The longest time running around a football pitch with a milk carton on his head." "I think the previous record was held by a Chinese: 18 hours." "I think the Guinness Book of Records is bollocks." "But the world days..." "The world days?" "Yeah." "Like Children's day or Working women's day." "But that's to inform people about social problems." "I'm not saying that I don't agree with AIDS day or cancer day, but Ecological farming day or Stuffed Aubergine Day, fuck off!" "Not so long ago I read it was Herpes Day." "Well, if there's a day for that illness there should be a day for all illnesses." "Gonorrhea day." "Or does one ill person deserve more than another?" "Tartar day." "So, if you have tartar, you go to the dentist and that day you get a discount?" " Runny Diarrhea Day." " Because there must be an advantage?" "What do I know?" "You're telling me like it's my fault!" " No, no, but." " Play and shut up." "What are we playing?" "I don't know." "What do you want to play?" "What games do you know?" "Chase the Ace?" "Pontoon?" "Bridge?" "Pairs?" "Which ones do you know?" "Me?" "World families." "Simon says." "I don't want to play anymore." "You fucked up." "This is wicked." "I know." "It's a shame we aren't gay." "Now we could fool around with each other, and it would be a special moment." "Who says if I were gay I would fool around with you?" "Why not?" "I don't know." "Maybe you're not my type." "Well, if I were gay, you wouldn't be my type." "Who would be your type then?" "No one." "Come on, say someone." "Give me an example." "Who could be your type?" " Chinarro?" " No." " Perales?" " No." " Floren?" " No." "No?" "Say someone!" "The Frenchman." "Yes, the Frenchman." "Jan?" "!" "What does Jan have that I don't?" "I don't know, he's more..." " More what?" "More gay?" " No." "Taller?" "Shorter?" "More handsome?" "He can't be more handsome." "No, no..." "More mature." "You know, he makes you feel safe." "Safe?" "What safety can a guy give you when he's ten years older than you?" "He'll die sooner and you get all his stuff?" "Too bad, because I think Jan is skint." "No, I just think if you're with someone older he protects you." "But Jan is a wimp." "I could protect you better than him!" "You?" "You're a chicken!" " Anyway, Jan is more..." " More what?" "More French?" "Just because he's French doesn't mean he'll French kiss you better." "I could probably do it better than him." " What's up?" "Are you gay or what?" " No." "Shit." "I like women, you know?" "Not you, not the Frenchman, no one." "Women!" "I like women too." "I just said if it so happened we were gay..." ""If it so happened"?" "Do you think someone just so happens to be gay?" "All I'm saying is that deep down we're all a bit gay." "Hey, speak for yourself!" "Look, when you're jerking off is it not a guy holding a dick?" "Yes, but it's my dick." "Yes, but there's no woman involved." "Only a guy, therefore masculine sex." "Really you're jerking a guy off, even though it's you." "But when I jerk off, my dick gets the pleasure, not my hand." "In a wank my dick has a preference over my hand." "Then you shouldn't care if it was the hand of another guy who was jerking you off." "According to your theory, you'd feel the same pleasure, even more, because there would be nothing in your head to say that you had a dick in your hands." "No, seriously." "Do you want to jerk me off or what?" "No way!" "I mean, the way you speak if I didn't know you," "I'd say you were queer." "The only one who wants to get off with the French guy is you." " You're an asshole!" " Ok, ok." " I'm going inside in case you try to rape me." " Bitch!" " Bitch, bitch." "Faggot!" "In your dreams!" "Come and have a beer." "I'm thinking of writing a script." "What?" "For a film?" "I did think about writing a novel, but no." "No, that wouldn't work." "What's it about?" "I don't know." "I've a few ideas but, about life, characters." "One of those films where nothing happens?" "Exactly." "That type of film." "People talking." "Easy." "It could easily be shit." "Well, most films that win awards are about that:" "People talking." "And they win awards." "Because they speak in French or Russian." "I've seen lots of shitty Spanish films like those, but they don't win any prizes." "Fuck, the other day I went to see an Iranian film." " One of those that win loads of prizes." " Great!" "You see the horizon and a small figure, very, very small and it start to walk towards the camera." "Walking very slowly, very very slooooowly." "I started to count the steps:" "One, two, three..." "I timed five minutes!" "Five minutes!" "And then it stops and you can see his face." "It's a little boy with worn clothes, scrawny..." " Scrawny?" " Well, thin." "Shit!" "How can you use the words scrawny and bossy in one day?" "Anyway, so the kid turns around and walks away slowly towards the horizon, but..." "I'm bored." "...sloooowly, but really fucking slowly." "And I'm thinking:" "Fuck off!" "Is this kid going to walk all the way back to the horizon?" "Exactly." "So I looked at the people around me to see the look on their faces, and their eyes were transfixed, as if they were watching Scarface." "Maybe they were wearing glasses with eyes painted on them, and they were asleep," "Drooling." "I looked at my watch: 15 minutes!" "15 minutes watching the kid going up and down!" "So I thought:" "If this guy can do a film so can I." "Why did you go to watch it?" "I was meeting a girl who thought she was an intellectual and I wanted to show off." "Show off or fuck her?" "Yes, but due to the stupid Iranian film I couldn't fuck." "I fell asleep in the middle of the film." "And on top of that when we left I told her it was crap, so she got pissed off." "Even though you took her." "She said I didn't understand the meaning, the child walking symbolized an escape from childhood relating to oppression," "It was a pain in the ass." "I don't know what was worse, the film or the meaning." "It's like the short Chinarro did." "Remember Chinarro?" "Oh, yeah, he went to the U.S." "No, in the end he stayed here and opened up a shop for enlightened people, with quartz pyramids, incenses, candles, aloe vera, all that stuff." " For the enlightened." " For the enlightened." "Anyway, he did a short and presented it in the auditorium, of course, his cousin was a town hall representative." "What a load of bollocks!" "Compared to it, the Iranian film was Matrix." " But what was it?" "An experimental short?" " That's what he called it." "Using that word gives you the freedom to do whatever the fuck you want." "What was it about?" "No fucking idea." "Twenty minutes of weird images, weirder sounds, you know?" "As if someone had swallowed a camera and was filming his intestines." "What a pain in the ass!" "The worst thing was at the end when everyone was giving their opinion." "All the enlightened people saying:" ""I particularly liked this bit because..."" "I'm watching them and thinking:" "I must be thick because I didn't understand anything." "I'm sure they were his clients." "Have you noticed since I arrived we have only spoken bollocks?" "If girls are this, if the French that, about gays..." "We talk about what we are interested in." "No, I think we talk about what doesn't interest us." "I don't know, we could talk about art, culture, economics, politics..." "Politics!" "Let's talk about politics!" " Ok." " Ok." " Ok." "Let's talk about politics." " Ok, politics." "You start." "Shit!" "Why do I have to start?" "You start!" " I came up with the idea." " That's why you have to start." "Ok, I start." "What would you change about current politics?" "Fuck!" "Why do I have to start?" "You start!" "But I asked you a question." "I started." "That's very easy." "I don't have a problem." "I'll start." "Let's see." "I'd change political meetings." "For example, I'd put Zapatero in a rightwing meeting to give his speech." "You mean leftwing." "No, rightwing." "With their little flags, his music..." "And then I'd take Aznar and put him in a leftwing meeting." "But Aznar has been kicked out." " Yeah, it's just an example." " Ok, ok, ok." "What's the merit of convincing people in your own party?" "It makes no sense." "If it was the other way around it would be a challenge." " What do you think?" " Good." " And they can pay for the catering." " There you go." "They wouldn't have those banquets with all that lovely food." " They'd have pate sandwiches." " Or salami." " They'd pay for it." "Good." " Good." " What else?" " Very good." " What else?" " What else what?" "I don't know, another proposal." "Because that's very small." "It's nothing." "I'd make it so all politicians..." "I mean representatives, ministers, mayors." "Politicians." "That all politicians would have to be unemployed people." " Ole!" " Only unemployed people." "You're good." "You're very good." "Of course, because I think they have a nerve to have a really cool job." "Like lawyers or economists." "And they have real estate." "Real estate too." "To become ministers and get two salaries." "...because these people have business." "...you want to end unemployment?" "...the contracts to do the motorways." " So use unemployed people!" "...if a train goes through here then I can build supermarkets." " Unemployed people to the government!" "...other businesses and get commissions." " Only unemployed people!" " I'm fucking sick of it!" " They make a motorway and make shit loads of money!" " Sons of bitches!" " Sons of bitches!" "Sons of bitches!" "Who did you vote for?" "I don't vote." "Neither do I. They're all the same." "The same dog but with different collars." "Sons of bitches." "You're going to end up with the runs." "Stop eating that shit!" "They're very nice." "Jan bought them." "Jan bought them." " They're from Seville." " Ole!" "So when does the owner come back?" "In a month, two months." "A year, two years." "Where is he?" "Australia." "Business?" "Surf." "He's living there?" "Not exactly." "So when he gets tired, he'll come back." "I don't think he'll get tired." "When his money runs out he'll have to come back." "He won't mind." "Ok, stop." "You and your mysteries." "What the fuck is going on?" " Don't tell Jan." " What?" " Pierre." " Yes." " The Frenchman." " Yes." "The owner of the house." "Jan's cousin." "Yes." "Pierre." "The Frenchman." "The owner of the house." "Jan's cousin." "What?" "!" "I don't think he's coming back." "He's dead." "You bastard!" "I bet you killed him, chopped him up and buried him under the olive tree." "No, I made sausages with him, idiot!" "He died in Australia." "Seriously?" "Yes, a shark swallowed him while he was surfing." " Shit!" " Tell me about it." "How do you know?" "Because the other day I was watching "Impact TV" and they showed, some amateur footage of a group of people being attacked, by a shark in the south of Australia while they were surfing." "You see a group of people, and suddenly a shark comes out of the water, and swallows a guy:" "Pierre." "Pierre?" "But." "Did it say his name?" "Pierre or something?" "No." "It said an anonymous surfer." "But that guy was Pierre." "Shit." "So how?" "Have they identified the body?" "Or found any pieces, any remains?" "If not, I don't understand." "No, I knew it was him, because I helped him paint his "wirfinsun" board, in a fuchsia color that was really tacky." "And he was wearing some shorts that my mother gave me, they were really shit so I gave them to him." "They had a pocket in the back to keep documentation, it was waterproof." "Anyway, he was swallowed whole, man:" "It swallowed Pierre, my mother's shorts, the "wirfinsun" board and the documentation." "Everything." "Shit!" "What are you going to do?" " Me?" " Yes." "What do you mean what am I going to do?" "I don't know." "You should tell his family or something." "Me?" "I don't know his family." "Oh, and Jan?" "Pierre's cousin, the owner of the house?" "Hey, hey." "He says he's Pierre's cousin." "Pierre never introduced me to him." "Who says that Jan didn't also watch the programme about the shark eating the guy?" "No." "You said he couldn't be recognized." "There was a group of surfers and..." "Here we're surrounded by French people." "Who says that Jan doesn't own a house round here, and saw us painting the "wirfinsun" board?" "And saw when I gave Pierre the shorts." "Why?" "And now he wants everything." " What?" "The house?" " Yes." "Do you think someone can be such a bastard to want to keep the house of a dead man?" " Ah!" "Ah!" " Eh?" "Eh?" "I don't know him very well." "So I said I'm here to watch the house, so no one breaks in." "That he'd be a few months." "I just don't know him very well." "So, no one else knows he's dead?" "You, and me, and the mother fucking shark." "And is the house paid for?" "It must be." "If not there's a direct debit." "The water and electricity bills are paid automatically." "I'm thinking of getting satellite TV." "Do you think they can bill the same account?" "Don't be stupid!" "How we gonna get satellite TV if we don't have a TV?" "I'm trying to convince Jan to buy one." "One of those flat screens, with "life" colors." " Really "life"." " You know?" " Ok." " With eight speakers." " "Surroun"." " What?" " "Surroun"." " "Surroun" what?" " "Surroun"." "Surround." " Ah, "surroun"." "This cigar's disgusting!" "You didn't tape the shark attack, did you?" "No, I didn't know it was on." "It's funny when they say:" ""Amateur tape"." "If you have a camera and you happen to see an accident and tape it, you become an "amateur film maker"." "I was also an amateur film maker in the 80's, when my father bought the Hitachi video in Andorra, the one that opened upwards." "There was also Betamax, the 2000." "Loads." "Do you know why?" "Do you know why?" "TV people get pissed off if they can't film it." "When something happens and one of their people isn't there to film it, and you do, they call you an "amateur film maker"." ""Yes, an amateur film maker, he was lucky"" ""because he's an amateur film maker"." "Wanker!" "If you're the professional why weren't you there to film it?" "Don't insult me!" "To take credit away from you." "You know?" "Sons of bitches." "I was thinking." "It's shit to die." "It'll piss me off to miss all the advances to come." "That's why we have to make the most of the ones we have now." "I'm sure in 50 years time they will invent a mobile phone implanted in the brain." "I read they'd put a microphone in your tooth and a speaker in your ear, and only by thinking you can connect yourself." " What a load of bollocks!" " Bollocks?" "You're saying the same thing as they did 50 years ago:" ""Yeah, there'll be a screen with a keyboard connected to the phone, so you can speak to everyone, and download films like Matrix or The sea inside"." "Or See inside." "15 years ago mobile phones were science-fiction, and nowadays they even take pictures." "I remember my dad bought some walkie-talkies in Andorra." " "Walkie-talkie"." " Walki." "Ok, whatever." "They were massive and I thought they were amazing." "Anyway." "It'll piss me off to miss all the modem stuff." "Have you read "Death is a bastard" by Professor Julius Nolther?" "Is that a book?" "No." "Is about death being shit." "Because we don't know what comes after death, we create religions, sects, Opus Dei, Scientology." "Things like that." "What religions have to offer doesn't convince me." "Well, I like reincarnation, but only if you could choose what you come back as." "If they change the laws of religion I'd sign up." "Sign up?" "What?" "You think it's like a gym?" "If it's just luck what you'll be for the rest of your life." "I mean your second life." "It's a risk, isn't?" "If I were to come back as a cockroach, I couldn't stand it." "I'd kill myself." "I'd squash you myself with my sandal." "We'd have to choose before dying, if not we'd spend all eternity thinking." ""Shall I be this or shall I be that?"." "Yeah." "I'd like to be a shark." "Yeah, to eat me and end up with my house." "We sharks don't eat cockroaches." "A shark's really cool." "In the ocean, peaceful, respected by everyone, no enemies." "Yeah, but sharks are hunted." "There are loads of Chinese bastards with harpoons, waiting to hunt you and make shark soup." "Shit!" "Well..." "A lion!" "There in the savannah, in the sun and you're in the shade under one of those dry trees in the shade." "Living on what the females kill." "But you already do that in this life." "Anyway they hunt lions." " Well, a tiger." " They hunt them." " A gorilla?" " They hunt them." "A rhino?" "An elephant?" "A leopard?" "They hunt them." "They hunt them." "They hunt them." "Shit." "Well a virus!" "So I'd kill the hunters." "They'd vaccinate themselves." "Sons of bitches!" "I just don't know why you want to come back as an animal." "Come back as a person!" "I'd come back as myself, but with loads of money." "Yes." "I'd create a religion that promised me riches and eternal life." "Without having to do anything in return." "Yes." "No celibacy, no fasting, no Holy Bread, nothing." "Yeah, yeah." "You know what?" "I wish they'd grant me my last wish." "What is it?" "I'd like to be stuffed, and placed in the front row of the best striptease joint in the world." "Done." "I'll do it for you." "And yours?" "Mine?" "To not die." "Not bad." "But it's not allowed." "Ok." "So incinerate me." "Incinerate me and plant me in a flower pot with some cool marihuana seeds." "So I can get off with them." "You know?" "Make love to the seeds." "So green shoots grow, with big, big leaves, big, big leaves." "And then they can cut me, and my loved ones can smoke me." "My mother, my father, my uncle Alberto, my uncle Jose Luis." "Well, my uncle Jose Luis doesn't smoke." "But it doesn't matter, he can have a few drags." "And Floren." "As he's missing fingers it would be a bit difficult to hold." "But for them to smoke me and all the smoke goes up." "Really ethereal, in the clouds, everything really big, super spatial, and all the space, the stars, the birds going by, and they get stoned from the smoke, you know?" "Kike!" "I think the weather will be good tomorrow." "We could go to the beach." "Ok." "We'll get the 4x4 from the garage and go." "There's a 4x4 in the garage?" "Yes, sir." "A brand new Toyota Land Cruiser." "No way!" "Pierre liked to enjoy life." "Did he leave the keys?" "Of course, to take him to the airport and pick him up." "And to watch the house from time to time." "As I don't have a car." "I'm beginning to like this Pierre more and more." "You mean you liked." "You bastard!" "Why didn't you pick me up in the 4x4?" "Because I haven't used it while Jan was here." "But you know what?" "From now on, we go everywhere in the 4x4!" "He'd better get used to it!" "Cool!" "I thought maybe I could stay a few more days." "If you don't mind." "What you have to do is quit that fucking job of yours, and come to live here with me." "I get really bored with Jan." " I won't say no." " Of course." "Between the rent and my expenses, I can barely get by." "Anyway, fuck Formula 1!" "And my girlfriend has dumped me." "You see?" "I knew she had dumped you." "What rent do you pay in Barcelona?" "About 400 euros." "Why?" "That's expensive, isn't it?" "No, speculation." "It's normal." "What you could do is re-rent it for800 euros." "With your400 euros, and what I'm getting from my flat in San Antonio, we could live like kings, doing fuck all." " It's not a bad idea." " Of course." "And I'll tell Jan if he wants to stay here to live, he must pay rent." "Yeah, he has to pay." "Yeah, he can't live for free forever." "And he can clean that shitty little room, and we can rent it in a rural tourism way." "Why don't we set up a restaurant?" "Jan cooks really well and slugs are free." "No way, man, too much work." "Orders, reservations." ""Doscentvencinc"." "No way." "Well, what about a route across the mountains and that?" "For tourists." "We can be the guides." "No way!" "You have to walk and that's really tiring." "Anyway, you're a bit greedy, aren't you?" "...you want to earn easy cash." "And what about you?" "Yeah." "All that remains, is the value of an old coin." "Each one on a side, each one on a sphere, that turns." "Through a forest of memories, the undergrowth of the mind doesn't let me see what I want." "Through a forest of memories, the undergrowth of the mind doesn't let me see what there is to see." "And a gentlemen's club?" "A gentlemen's club?" "!" "Yeah, a whore house." "I know what it is, but, why do you call it that?" ""The French house"." "Imagine." "It would be good. "The French house"" "But it's too much work." "Anyway, that field is very competitive." "This beach isn't bad." "Well, there are better ones." "But because it's close to home." "Jan!" "See if you can fish something for dinner!" "The other day he made a jellyfish jelly that was to die for." "Jellyfish?" "!" "English subtitles:" "Ricardo Boned Tyler"