"So when's Freddie coming in?" "He's arriving in a few hours." "I'm picking him up at the airport." "Gosh, you know, I'm so excited to see him." "And it was Lilith's turn this year to have him for his birthday, but apparently there was an accident at the lab." "One of her monkeys bit her on the tongue." "What exactly was she doing with the monkey?" "She's was teaching them sign language." "I guess one of them made a disparaging remark about her new haircut." "She stuck her tongue out." "Wow, how bad does a haircut have to be for a monkey to hate it?" "Well, I guess I'm just gonna have to get myself a cup of coffee." "Oh, somebody dropped a wallet." "Is he cute?" "It's hard to tell from a driver's license photo, but he is 5-foot-6, weighs 200 pounds, and has corrective lenses." "Leave it on the floor." "Well, thank God I don't share your good-deeds-for-hunks-only policy." "Excuse me," " I found this on the floor..." " Is that my wallet you got there?" "Is it?" "Well, I found it on the floor over there." "I was about to drop it off at the counter." "Please, no reward." " What happened to my cash?" " Well, I don't know." "It was empty when I found it." "Yeah, right." "I had seven bucks in here." "Well, I'm sure some lucky thief is off enjoying a matinee and a small soda." "At least you left my credit card." "Jerk." "Would you please bring me my usual?" "Can you believe that guy?" "I do him a favour, he accuses me of stealing." "Oh, please." "The world is full of creeps like that." "Haven't you figured that out yet?" "I'm sorry, Roz, but I still believe that people are basically good." "Hey, guys, I'm glad you're here." " I need to talk to you about something." " What can I do for you, Bulldog?" "My mom's having bypass surgery tomorrow morning, and I'd like to sit up with her tonight at the hospital." "But I gotta work the 11 -to-1 spot." "I don't suppose you'd think..." "Oh, right." "Like we don't know there's a big fight in Vegas tonight." "Look, I know I've jerked you guys around before, but this is serious." "Bulldog, I'm sorry." "Frederick's coming in tonight." "It's his birthday." "Okay, doc." "Never mind." "I understand." "Hello, Bernice Brisco's room, please." "I hope my mom's around to celebrate her next birthday." "Hi, Mom, it's Bobby." "Look, I'm gonna have to work tonight after all." "Bulldog, wait a minute." "You know what?" "Frederick will be asleep by 11:00." "I guess we could take your slot." "Are you insane?" "How can you be so gullible?" "He is not talking to his mother." "Does somebody have a boo-boo on her heart?" "Is someone gonna have to open you up with those big old rib spreaders?" "Oh, Mrs. Brisco, I'm so sorry." "Listen, I just wanted you to know that we'll fill in for Bobby tonight." "Thanks a million, you guys." " I'd better get back to the hospital." " God bless, Bulldog." "Oh, I can't believe I said that." "That poor woman." " We're outta here." " Our flight doesn't leave" " for another two hours." " I gotta stop by my mom's first." "I owe her 50 bucks and case of Schlitz." "Should I even ask?" "These balloons come in an unsealed package, covered with some mysterious dust, straight from some Southeast Asian sweatshop." " Doesn't that worry you?" " Oh, you bet it does." "I remember back in Korea we'd crouch in our foxholes scared to death those bastards were gonna drop balloons on us." "The doorman called." "They're on their way." "Don't know how much of a surprise it's gonna be anyway." " You did the same thing last year." " That's the point." "He'd never suspect I'd do it two years in a row." "I must say I feel a bit bad for Freddie." "None of his mates are here, just the three of us old fogies yelling "Surprise."" "Any party that he's at with you is gonna be a treat for him." "He's got a little crush on you." "If you really want Frederick to enjoy himself, he especially likes you in that little blue cocktail dress." "I'm not sure that dress is appropriate for a child's birthday party." "Well, it's hardly a party." "It's just us fogies." "You know, Frederick, your granddad really wanted to be here, but he had an important Rotary Club meeting." " What?" " Not another surprise party." " What are you talking about?" " Just like last year." "Oh, Lord, all right, all right, I'll tell you what, just don't let on, okay?" "You know how he loves this stuff." "Just act surprised, all right?" "The hardest thing is pretending to be fooled" " by the trick candles." " Oh, gosh." "You think it's hard now, wait until you're my age." "Surprise!" " Oh, wow!" "I'm so surprised." " You see?" "I told you." " Hey, Freddie." " How are you doing?" "Happy birthday." " Hi." " Hi!" "Happy birthday, sweetheart." "Just let me get the phone." "Hello?" "Yes, who's calling, please?" "Wewef?" "Anyone here know a Wewef?" "Oh, Lilith." "Yes, hello, Lilith." "What's that?" "Oh, right, yes, of course he's here." "It's your mom." "Why don't you take it into your granddad's room?" " Okay." "Hi, Mom." " Let's get the cake ready." "Oh, yes, yes." "Oh, Frasier," "I think you're going to be pleasantly surprised." " Voila!" " What the hell is that?" "It's Louis Pasteur, Freddie's favorite scientist." "What child wouldn't be thrilled with a coconut death mask on his birthday?" "Frasier, what happened to your jacket?" "Oh, at the airport, I helped this woman get her dog into her car." " Oh, I hope at least it was in a crate." " Yes, very heavy crate." "I had to hold it at arm's length so that what I chose to believe was drool wouldn't run out onto my shoes." "Eight blocks later I finally load little Fido into her backseat, woman drives off without so much as a thank-you or an offer to give me a ride to the airport." "I responded with the time-honored gesture of disapproval, but on the upswing I caught my finger on the jacket and..." "Oh, thank you." "I must say my belief in people's basic decency has taken a beating today." "Earlier, I returned a man's wallet." "He accused me of stealing." "Well, it just proves what I always say, a good Samaritan is nothing but a good target." "I'm sorry, Dad, I'm not ready to be quite that cynical yet." " He's off the phone." " Oh, good." "All right." "You can believe what you want, but I think people are born rotten and every year they get worse." "Happy birthday to you" "Welcome back to the night-owl edition of The Dr. Frasier Crane Show." "We have Stephen on line two." "Go ahead, caller, you're on the air." "I think I'm losing my mind, Dr. Crane." "People are talking to me through my radio." " Why do you think that?" " There it is again." " Turn your radio down." " Now it's giving me orders." "Stephen, turn your radio down." "It knows my name." "Stephen, listen to me, this is your radio talking." "I'm a very smart radio, and I care about you, and I want you to turn me off." "Go to bed and seek counselling in the morning." "Okay." "Sorry, doc, can't talk anymore." "Well, I'd like to end tonight on a philosophical note." "You see, earlier today, I helped some people." "I returned a man's wallet, and I aided a woman at the airport." "And in return," "I was accused of being a thief, and my favourite jacket was ruined." "I was so disappointed by the events of the day that, on my way to work here tonight," "I almost passed an elderly man with a flat tire without stopping to help him." "What the hell are you doing?" "I asked myself." "How would I feel if I were in this man's position and no one stopped to help me?" "Well, I did pull over, I helped the man, and frankly, it felt great." "So without sounding preachy, I would like to advise you all to do a good deed once in a while, if not for the sake of others, but then, well, for your own sake." "Thank you." "Now, let's go to station ID." "Roz, do you mind?" "What is your problem?" "I'm getting ready for bed." "Alice gets me up at the crack of dawn." "If I get all this taken care of, I get an extra half hour of sleep." "Well, at least you spared me the spectacle of flossing." "Thanks for reminding me." "I had corn." "And we're back." "It seems that we've got time for one more call." "Don't bother, Roz, I'll get it." "Go ahead, caller." "This is Dr. Frasier Crane." "I'm listening." "Hi, Dr. Crane, this is Ralph." "The guy whose tire you changed tonight." "Ralph!" "Well, what a wonderful surprise." "Let me first say to our listeners, this call was not solicited in any way." "You go ahead, Ralph." "Dr. Crane, I was just wondering, do you wear cuff links?" "Well, yes, as a matter of fact, I do, but there's no need to buy me a gift." "A gift?" "You scratched the hell out of my paint job with those things." "You owe me money." "You can't be serious." "How much damage could cuff links do to a car whose side window consists of duct tape and a Hefty bag?" "Well, you'll find out when my lawyer sends you the bill." "Let me remind you again, listeners, that call was not solicited." "Oh, great." "Somebody else in need of a good Samaritan." "Maybe if I ignore her, she'll stop waving." "But what am I gonna do?" "Just leave her standing in the rain?" "Then again, every one of my good deeds today has ended up biting me in the butt." "Such nasty weather." "May I offer you a ride?" "Oh, thank you." "I didn't think anyone was gonna stop tonight." "Well, chivalry may be on life support, but it's not dead." " Oh, seat warmers." " Yes, they're standard." "There's a little control on the side if you want more leg room." " Now where can I take you?" " It's up to you." "We can get a room or we can do it here in the car." "Oh, dear God." " You are a prostitute." " How far do these go back?" "Look, I'm sorry." "There's been a mistake." " Oh, don't be nervous, baby." " I'm not nervous." " Would you please put your seat up?" " I'll put it any way you like it, honey." "Stop talking to me that way." "For God's sake!" "All right, now please," "I'm sorry about this misunderstanding, but get out of my car." " Why the hell did you pick me up?" " I was trying to be a gentleman." "Now get out." "I'm not walking all the way back to my corner." " Give me some money for a cab." " All right, fine." "Oh, Lord, I guess I must have left my wallet at the station." "How in the hell were you going to pay for me?" "I wasn't going to pay for you!" "Oh, here's a $20 bill." "Now get out." "God." "Get out." "Get out." "Hurry, get out now." "It's too late." "They've seen us." "I don't believe this is happening to me." "Hello, officer." "Just how fast was I going?" "Hey, don't I know you?" " No, no, I don't believe so." " I'm not talking to you." "Didn't I bust you last week?" "Give me a break, buddy." "I'm trying to earn a living here." "Was it really necessary to take my belt and tie?" "Standard procedure." "It's for your own protection." "For God's sake, you had me in the drunk tank." "If I wanted to kill myself, I would've taken a deep breath." " Frasier!" " Niles." "You certainly took your sweet time." "I've been waiting here two hours." "Well, I'm sorry, Niles." "I guess what with the pillow fight in the holding tank and the pre-mug shot makeover, time just got away from me." "Will you stop it!" "Just bail me out of here." "I can't stand another minute in this place." "All right." "Excuse me." "If you could get our bill together, we're ready to settle up here." "It's 500 bucks." "Five hundred..." "Frasier, I don't have that kind of cash on me." "Put it on your credit card." "And have "bail" appear on my statement?" "Do you know the kind of junk mail I would get...?" "Just do it." "Okay." "There you are." "So, what happened?" "A prostitute?" "Please, I told you on the phone, I didn't know she was a prostitute." "I saw a woman stranded in the rain." "Naturally, I offered her a ride." "Before I knew it," "I was handcuffed to this bench, surrounded by this motley assortment of other wrongfully accused gentlemen." " Sir, your card didn't go through." " What?" "That's right, Maris' lawyers had my credit limit reduced." "Oh, no." "Been so bad this week when I went to the cheese shop for their Around the World platter, they cut me off at Luxembourg." "Would you please call Dad and get him down here?" "All right." "All right." "Yeah, Dad, hi." "My credit card was declined." "Well, we need yours." "Yeah." "Well, right, yeah, I'll see you soon." "This is intolerable." "It'll take him 20 minutes to get here." " No, no, he's waiting in the car." " What?" "Why didn't he come in?" "Frasier, this was his old precinct." "When we pulled up outside, I saw a look on his face I haven't seen since he drove us home from our first and only Little League game." " Oh, Dad." " Hey, hold it down, will you?" "Dad, I'm so sorry." "What happened was..." "No, I don't need to know." "I didn't come down here to judge." " You're my son, and I love you." " Yes, for God's sakes, Dad, I didn't..." "Why don't we pay up, and get out of here, okay?" " Hey, Marty." " Hey, Fred." "Listen, I wouldn't take this too hard, Marty." "You remember Captain Petchesky's son turned out to be the Colman Park pervert." " Yeah, thanks." " And Sergeant O'Brien's daughter" " does all them cable movies." " Yeah, I heard." "You can pick her out." "She's got his chin." "Yeah, could we just get on with it here?" "Dad, will you let me explain?" "Frasier, look, I understand." "I was in the Army." "We all have our urges." " But you don't understand." " Just sign here." "All that happened was..." "Bye, Dr. Crane." "Sorry I got you arrested." "Oh, that's all right, Crystal." "These things happen." "He had a wig on." " You're my son and I love you." " Oh, would you stop saying that!" "I still don't know what you were thinking." "The middle of the night, deserted street, picking up a strange woman." "A very strange woman." "Well, obviously I wasn't thinking." "Thank God now it's all over." "I can just spend a quiet weekend here with Frederick." "Oh, dear God!" ""Doc's Pal is a Mock Gal."" "Will this nightmare never end?" "Now listen, Dad, we're bound to get a lot of calls about this thing." "Please do not answer the phone." "Don't talk to anybody." "Let the machine get it." "Don't give them anything they can turn tawdry." "Yeah, I live with Dr. Crane." "Yeah, there's quite a bit of massage involved." "Daphne!" "Mostly around the hips, thighs, and buttocks." "No." "Give me that." "No comment!" "Oh, no, Daphne, please, don't answer the phone." "Let the machine pick up." "Well, the machine's filled up." "Everyone's been calling." " Oh, God." "Where's Frederick?" " He's still asleep." "Look, Dr. Crane, I just want to say you're the victim here." "Thank you." "American society's so close-minded when it comes to sexual experimentation." " In Europe..." " Daphne, I didn't do anything wrong!" "Well, exactly." "That's what I'm trying to say." "Oh, God, I guess I deserve all this." "I certainly had enough warning to stop being such a Boy Scout." "But did I listen?" "No." "Well, from now on, Dr. Crane, or as Seattle now knows him, "Dr. Strangelove" is out of the Samaritan business." "Thank you, Niles." "Frasier, have you given much thought to what you're going to tell Frederick?" "Oh, God." "How can I possibly explain it to him?" "Well, I guess the key is not to be evasive." "He's gonna hear about it sooner or later." "I guess it should be from me." "After all, I am a trained professional." "I'll be able to do it in a way that won't traumatize the child." "Freddie, don't touch that!" "You know, I could use a glass of orange juice." "I think I'm gonna go in the kitchen and get a glass." "Oh, orange juice." "Yum." "I'm going to come with you for that." " Am I having another surprise party?" " No." "No, Frederick, here, sit down for a second, son." "I've got something I've got to talk to you about." "For the next couple of days, you're gonna hear some rather nasty stories and some snide jokes about your old man." "Mom's coming?" "No." "No, no, she's not." "It's..." "It's very hard for me to tell you this, but I just spent the night in jail." "Wow, like Brad Johnson's dad." "Well, that was different." "Insider trading is wrong." " What did you do?" " Well," "I saw a woman standing in the rain, and I gave her a ride." "You can go to jail for that?" "Well, it depends on the sort of woman." "You see, this particular woman, this person was a prostitute." "But I didn't know that until it was too late." "A prostitute?" "Oh, God, how can I explain this?" "A prostitute is someone who engages in sexual relations with other people for money." "Dad, I'm 11." "I know what a prostitute is." "But why did you pick one up?" "Well, you see, I didn't know that it was a prostitute at the time." "I was only trying to do a good deed." "And I guess in hindsight, it was all a big mistake." "I just should have minded my own business." "So, what are you saying, Dad?" "You shouldn't try to help people?" "Well..." " May I offer you a ride?" " Oh, thank you." "I waved at you a couple of times, but I didn't think you saw me." "Yes, well, I noticed you." "I was just having sort of a bad daydream." "So where can I take you?" "Same place you're going." " Oh, dear God, you're..." " Laura Hilton." " I live in your building." " Of course." "Laura." "Hi." "I'm so glad you stopped when you did." "Oh, I'm certainly glad I stopped too."