"This is weird." "What?" "Us making out on my mom's roof." "Whatever." "Our parents are probably making out downstairs." "Hey, she isn't here, right?" " Who?" " Your friend Antoinette." "Well, she's not my friend and she's not here." "Why, what's up?" "Oh, fuck." "Uh, okay." "Uh, that coffee yesterday wasn't just a coffee." "She was on a tear." "She said you were using." "She was gonna go to Akalitus." "So I took her out to dinner." "And you slept with my sponsor?" "I'm an asshole." "It was wrong." "A total mistake." "And it's never happening again, which is exactly what I told her." "And that did not go over very well." "Hey, if it's not my pal from Miami." "I think Jackie is using again." "What are you talking about?" " She just got clean." " Come on, Frank." "Wake up." "She's already dumped me." "She kicked you out of the house." "It's like she's having a fire sale getting rid of all of us." "I'm not gonna let this happen." "She's the type of woman that doesn't tolerate being pushed away." "Nine calls from her since midnight." "See?" "She's not backing down." "Guess who I just got off the phone with." "Oh, no." "She called you, too?" "Hey, Frank." "Listen, maybe I should go." "No, Eddie, you're all right." "Jack, Antoinette claims you're using again." "Oh, does she really?" "I'm also the Queen of England." "She's pissed off at Eddie 'cause he kicked her out of bed." " Hey." " What the fuck is wrong with you?" "Okay, I'm done trying to help." "I'm leaving." "I'll see you at work." "All right." "So this Antoinette thing, this is just crazy time, right?" "What do you think?" "Hey." "Everybody sleep okay?" " Yeah." " Yeah, I was up all night studying." " All right, let's go." " Tommy, stop." "Bus is leaving." "Had a good time last night." "Either I have low blood sugar, or that jacket is making me sweat." "Question." "Should I go back to school and get a master's degree?" "Yes?" "Sorry, what?" "Every year I write down the deadline for the Nurse Practitioner programs." "And then at 4:00 this morning, I was like," ""Zoey Barkow, go for it."" "Thoughts?" "Jackie." "I think it's a great idea, Zoey." " When's the deadline?" " Tonight." "Wow." "Okay." "Other problem, there's an essay." "You love writing." "You have a blog." " This is different." " No, it's not." "We'll find you a patient." "You'll write it up just like your blog." "Well, I am still thinking about our helicopter sex." "What do you have planned for us today?" "Happy birthday, Dr. Cooper." " My birthday." " Yeah, I know." "Happy birthday." "People!" "Our friend the DEA agent is back with us again investigating Nancy Wood." "He will be conducting interviews." "I am installing him in my office so that together we can all figure out who the hell stole Dr. Roman's prescriber number." "Everyone must comply." "Female, 40s." "Fell down a flight of stairs." "Her name is Joan." "She has MS." " Hi, Joan." " Here's a list of her medications." "Her last relapse was three months ago." "Call radiology and let's get some blood tests." "On three." "One, two, three." " Mark." " I'm here, hon." "I'm here." " It's my fault." " Oh, come on." "You were clumsy before MS, remember?" "You have a very dedicated husband." "How's the foot?" "Do you need a pill?" "Uh, yeah." "Just one." " Thank you." " Next topic." "Your friend Antoinette." "She called wanting to meet." "What's this about?" "You have got to be kidding me." "She knows that you've been winning at poker." "She wants to sell you a condo." "Why would I want a condo?" "That's what I told her." "This woman has no boundaries." "You got your hands full with the DEA." "I will handle this, okay?" "Oh, God." "Jackie?" "Do not call me." "Do not call my friends." "Do not show up at my work." "I fucking mean it." " Don't hang up." " Do you understand?" "Look, I shouldn't even be talking about this." "I should be talking to my sponsor, who will not pick up her fucking phone." "I..." "I'm sorry." "I need a drink." "Oh, Jesus Christ." "Hold on a second." "All right, I'm here." "Talk to me." "No." "God, I am such a shitty sponsor." "Let's just focus on you for a minute." "No, we should focus on you." "I haven't even gotten you clean yet." "Let's just forget about sponsors, forget about programs, just tell me what's going on." "I'm just such a fucking mess." "I haven't been dumped in years." "I haven't even slept with anyone in God knows how long." "Do you have any idea how hard this is to deal with sober?" "Look, take a breath." "Can you make it eight hours without drinking, do you think?" "Maybe." "All right." "I'm gonna get off work," "I'm gonna take you to dinner, and I will talk you through this." " You got it?" " Yeah." "In the meantime, go shopping." "Okay?" "Go to Saks." "Call me when you have spent 500 bucks." "Great, I'll call you in 15 minutes." "Oh, no." "Running in heels." "It's Coop's birthday?" "I totally forgot." "How?" "He save-the-dated us all weeks ago." "I don't read group e-mails." "Look, full disclosure." "We slept together last night and twice this morning." "And that's not gift enough?" "I think I have real feelings for him." "That said, I totally don't have a real gift." " Okay, any gift." " Is there a point here?" "You know Coop." "Is there anything that I can get him within, like, a two-block radius?" "Come with me." " Say it's from you." " What is it?" "Do you really care?" "It's wrapped." "Should I write a card?" "Were you raised by wolves?" "Patient stories from today." "Kidney stone." "Appendicitis." "MS lady." "Chest pain guy." "You should write about something nonemergent." "The essay is about primary care, right?" "It's Grace." "Hi." "Yeah." "Yeah, I can talk." "Mm-hmm." "Mm-hmm." "Oh, I think you need to speak to your mother about this." "Um, do you want me to see if I can find her, wherever she is?" "'Cause she's not near me." "Hello?" "Did she hang up?" "What's up?" "Grace wants me to help her get birth control." "Are you fucking kidding me?" "She's 15." "Yeah, she is." "But does she have a boyfriend or a guy that she likes?" "Oh, shit." "Frank's son stayed over last night." "I put him in Fiona's room, but the two of them were looking a little chummy this morning." "Oh, that fucker." "Yeah, that's tricky." "It's not tricky if it's not happening." "I go, "Hey, Jesus is in your subway." "Now it's your problem."" "Hey." "Your boys cannot be at my house." "I need the room." "You need to control your fucking son." "Grace just asked for birth control." "All right, first of all, calm yourself." "Tommy's a gentleman and he just met her last night." "So you can't hang this on him." "Did you ever consider for a second she's asking for some other guy?" "Wow, we're done." "This isn't working." "Oh, hold on." "We're done?" "Yeah, I need to protect Grace right now." "Bullshit." "Whatever this is, it ain't about Grace." "You know what?" "You're right." "It isn't." "This is about me not wanting to be with you." "Wow." "Okay." "That's exactly what Antoinette said was gonna happen." "Yeah, fucking Antoinette." "Of course she did." "Yeah." "She said you were gonna choose the drugs over us." "I mean, that's what you're doing, aren't you?" "And you're blaming it on our children." "You want to know what I'm doing?" "I'm taking care of myself." "And what am I doing?" "I just went through five days of hell with you." "Yeah, and then afterwards you said you'd never do it again." "Because I don't want you to be a fucking drug addict." "Take all the time you need to pack." "I want you out of my house." "Fuck!" "Excuse me." "Where can I get some water, please?" " Right down the hall." " Uh, wait, I..." "What happened?" "You fainted." "Great." "Sympathetic falling." "Joan goes down, I go down." " How's she doing?" " She's fine." "However, your BP is high." "Are you on any medications?" "No." "Look, I'd really like to go see if Joan is okay." "When's the last time you saw a doctor?" "I don't know." "Right." "This is Zoey Barkow, nurse-practitioner." "She will be your primary care provider for today." "She's gonna give you a full physical on the house." "Sir, I am going to start by examining your eyes." "Please look straight ahead." "This will not hurt." "Worst birthday ever." "Just got interrogated by a DEA agent and the only person who got me a gift was Zoey." "Birthday brioche." "Aw." "Well, not the only person." "Ta-da." "Oh!" "I thought you forgot seeing how you didn't say anything this morning." "Yeah, 'cause we were sort of busy." "Also, I wanted to surprise you with this awesome present." "Oh, what is it?" "Wait, don't tell me." "Okay." ""Kevin Costner Explores America's Indian Heritage."" "It's amazing." "I love it." "Oh, my God." "How did you know?" "That you love Kevin Costner?" "That I'm obsessed with early American history." "Did I tell you?" "No." "Well, you didn't have to." "I just know you." "It's perfect." " You're perfect." " Oh." "Oh, hey, check out what Carrie got me." "History of Native Americans." "Oh, right, because didn't you live in a teepee for all of third grade?" "Mm, fourth, but, yes." "Oh, this isn't as good as Carrie's gift," " but here." " Oh." "A neck pillow." "Oh, and... a wind chimes CD." "Awesome." " Love me some chimes." " That's so thoughtful, Thor." "Happy birthday, Coop." "Wind chimes." "So lame." "You can't be here." "I am absolutely mortified." "I'm so ashamed that I got you involved in this." "I mean, I've broken every rule of being a good sponsor." "I just wanted to tell you I can handle this myself." "All right." "It's not like I can't relate." "Yeah." "I'm a big girl." "I'm gonna get my shit together really soon." "And then you and I are gonna sit down and we're gonna start all over again and get you clean." " Jackie Peyton?" " Yes." "Can we get dinner anyway for both of us?" "I already made the reservation." " Sure." " I'll talk to you later." "Hi." "Have a seat." "Look, I'm gonna be straight with you." "I am a former drug addict." "I was in treatment two years ago." "I've been sober ever since." "I go to meetings a couple times a week." "I have a sponsor." "But I understand why my name might come up during something like this, so I am happy to answer any and all questions you might have." "I was using on the job for years." "Do you know how many evidence files got lost up my nose?" "Wow." "Okay." "That's not what I was expecting, but it's inspiring to see somebody else making it work." "Yeah." "I did some pretty low shit." "Once I checked into rehab just to get out of going to my own mother's funeral." "But recovery stuck." "I've been clean ever since." "Congratulations." "That's great." "So..." "Did you steal Dr. Roman's prescriber number?" "No, I did not." "Thank you, Nurse Peyton." "We're done here." " How'd it go?" " Fine." "I just told him the truth." "So... this is what it feels like on the other side." "Mrs. Akalitus, says here you got a prescription yesterday from Dr. Cooper." "Vicodin." "Yes." "Arthritis." "I was having a flare-up with my feet, so I asked Dr. Cooper for a prescription." "Hmm." "Well, then it seems a little surprising that your urine analysis came back clean." "Zero traces of Vicodin." "Care to explain?" "You have left ventricular strain due to your high blood pressure." "This could lead to a fatal heart attack." "The kind we call a widow-maker." "Jesus." "No." "It's all great." "Because all of this can be prevented." "I'm going to prescribe you HCTZ for your hypertension." "Actually, I'm not allowed to do that yet." "Dr. Cooper will." "And..." "Is this your personal phone number?" "Think of it like a bat phone for your health." "If you have a question about a medication, call me." "If you have a question about a recipe, call me." "Don't be a hero." "If you want to be there for your wife, you've got to take care of yourself." "Capiche?" "Capiche." "Bat phone." "Nice touch." "I figured that's what you would do." "I'm not a nurse-practitioner." "No, but kind of you are, just without the piece of paper." "And the extra $20,000 a year." "I'm proud of you, Zoey, you know, for going after all this." "Good, because I wanted to ask if you'd write me a recommendation." "Yeah." "Of course." "I would love to." "Soon as you finish your essay." "Ugh, I hate you." "I love you." "Grace." "Honey, you need to tell me." " Are you having sex?" " What?" "No, and it's none of your business." "You need to come to me for this, not Zoey." "I am your mother." "Do you understand?" "First of all, just because you are on birth control does not mean that you have to have sex." "Second of all, if you do decide to have sex, you will need this." "Okay?" "Without this, there is still an 8% chance that you will get pregnant." "You may also get HPV, HIV, herpes, chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis, lice, crabs, whole host of other diseases" "I would happily go into greater detail about." "Would you like me to explain spermicide?" " No, please stop." " Okay." "I've made an appointment for you to see a gynecologist next week." "I will be taking you." "Do you understand?" "A sidecar." "It's cognac, Grand Marnier, lemon juice, sugar on the rim." "Ice tea." "Tea, ice." "I should never have slept with Eddie." "God, that's what triggered all this." "Look, relationships are tricky under the best of circumstances." "Sometimes you just got to move on." "You know, you can just answer that." "No, it's Frank." "How is Frank?" "Moving on." "Are you okay?" "Just got a lot of shit going on at work." "I could take 20 Oxy right now, no problem." "Man, we are in really sorry shape." "I think we should just move in together and pull some "Laverne  Shirley" shit." "Yeah." "I don't know." "Maybe you were right about rehab." "Seriously?" "It would keep me from facing a whole lot of people" "I don't want to deal with right now." "Wow, the last time I brought up rehab, you totally flipped a switch." "I don't know." "Maybe I'm coming around." "Maybe we could go in together." "It might be nice to go in with someone." "You know, less lonely." "I'm gonna change my fantasy drink." "I don't want that Grand Marnier." "I want Cointreau." "Oh, my God, Cointreau." "My drink." "If I'm going to rehab, I'm going there high." " Waiter." " Yes, ma'am." "Can I have a sidecar with Cointreau, sugar rim?" "Yeah, fuck "Laverne  Shirley."" "Let's go all "Thelma  Louise."" "Didn't they drive off a cliff?" "Oh, my God." "I totally forgot that part." "What?" "I just remembered all the fun bits." "You forgot the ending?" "Who forgets the ending?" " Alcoholics." " Oh, right." "Oh, boy." "Been waiting 10 years for this." "If you're going off a cliff, I'm going with you." " Oh." " You okay?" "Could I have another one right away?" " Yes, ma'am." " Thanks, brother." "Here we go." "Ah!" "What the fuck?" "Watch your head, lady." "Oh!" "Here we go." "Come on, Louise." "Wait, are you Thelma?" "Which are you?" "Antoinette Mills." "I called to reserve a bed." "Oh." "A bed?" "We..." "You're not going with me?" "Miss Mills, please come this way." "Oh, wow." "I've seen a lot of addicts" " pull a lot of shit." " Miss Mills." "But this is fucked up." "She's had a rough night." "She's probably dehydrated." "Oh, fuck you, Jackie." "You're fucking toxic." "I feel sorry for anyone who has anything to do with you." "You know what?" "I'm done." "Oh, wow." "And I never want to see you again." "Fucking cunt." "Let's go." "Sometimes it's hard getting them in."