"Twenty biology quizzes and not one smiley face." "Their grades are plummeting even faster than I did when I fell out of that airplane." "Ah Peggy, remember the therapist said to go easy on your spine." "You may want to shorten your back swing on those check marks." "Hank, the best therapy for my back... will be lifting my third straight Substitute Teacher of the Year award... high above my head in triumph." "[Exclaims in pain]" "Falling from that plane may have broken my spine... but it could not break my teaching bone." "No, not even if one existed." "Mom, I think you're using the English key to mark the bio tests." "Oh.." "Well, yes." "oh I'm not used to teaching so much non-Spanish." "Come on, Peggy Hill." "Rookie mistake." "Get it together." "Uh oh I don't have the bio answer key." "Bobby, find me a frog." "I would suggest you bleed out the excess pressure in the bypass line..." "HANK: because if you don't have-- STRICKLAND: is that a business call?" "Not strictly, no." "Hank, when was the last time you took a day off?" "I took a day off when Bobby was born, but I wasn't really sick." "I meant to tell you, it just slipped my mind." "I did come in that Saturday." "Would you get the hell out of here, Hank?" "I'm getting squeezed by some insurance-company pencil stain... who claims working too long without a vacation can make you sloppy." "And when you're sloppy in the propane biz, people die... and then my premiums go up." "Sloppy?" "I challenge him to find one single mistake" "Just take some time off." "See you in two weeks." "Couldn't I just take my vacation at my desk?" "STRICKLAND:" "No!" "[Rock music playing on stereo]" "Teaching band today, are you?" "After you win Substitute of the Year this time... they might just rename it "The Hill Trophy."" "[Chuckles] I can't suggest that, Hank." "You'd have to suggest that." "I sure do have the time." "This whole not-working thing is gonna give me a heart attack, I tell you what." "God, that'd be embarrassing." ""Hank Hill found dead not working."" "I wish I could stay and help." "But until they invent a machine that can stand in front of a band... and keep the beat, I am needed." "[Slow instrumental music]" "[Sighs]" "[Exclaims quizzically]" "[Slow instrumental music continues]" "Yup." "Yup." "What did you guys do?" "Any shaves today, Bill, or just haircuts?" "How's that new belt working out, Boomhauer?" "Dale, you kill any bugs?" "Did I?" "No." "Yeah, I did." "It fell in the big jar of blue stuff where I keep my combs." "Was it small like an ant, or crafty like a fly?" "I'm not sure." "Fly." "I'd come by tomorrow to pick it up, but my plate's full." "Situation with a termite." "Possibly more than one." "Termites?" "Maybe you could use an extra set of hands." "Wingo!" "But you gotta chip in for gas and poison." "Here is the beauty of tenting." "Ground zero's officially hot for a week." "It takes two days to spray." "The rest of the time it's your own private playhouse." "Go on." "Take a spin on the bidet." "Or did you think it was a water fountain?" "[Laughing]" "I did." "I'm going home, Dale." "I shouldn't even have let myself sit on a stranger's toilet lid." "Man, this guy's got bad eyesight." "So, tell me about your day." "How was math?" "We were doing conversions on the overhead projector... and Mrs. Hosner erased her mistakes with spit." "Oh." "What'd you do before math?" "That's my new favorite class." "Shop." "Shop?" "Bobby, from now on when I ask, "How was your day?"" "I mean, "How was shop?"" "It's great." "Our regular teacher eloped with the lunch lady." "So, until the two of them get back from Branson..." "Principal Moss is having us use shop as a study hall." "We don't have to make anything." "What?" "Hold on, son." "[Bobby grunts]" "i want you to tell me again, slowly." "What happened to shop?" "[Sighing]" "You look so tired, Aunt Peggy." "it's not a pretty look." "There is no rest for a substitute teacher, Luanne." "Except for 10 minutes every hour and 45 minutes for lunch." "[Groans in pain] i'm a pre-education major." "Maybe I could be a substitute teacher." "[Laughing]" "Luanne, honey, I was not laughing at you." "I was laughing at the idea." "Sorry, the school board won't authorize funding for a substitute shop teacher." "We can't even afford to fix a dent in the gym floor... where Coach had his little fit." "You know, I remember a fellow in my eighth-grade shop class." "Pretty handy with a coping saw." "Nice guy." "His name was Carl Moss." "Whatever happened to him?" "Got married, had kids, responsibilities." "Things change, Hank." "One thing hasn't changed." "Kids need shop." "Who's gonna teach them?" "The only man handler with the coping saw than Carl Moss." "Jack Shermer?" "What?" "Jack was all flash." "I coped circles around...." "Me!" "i'll teach shop and i'll do it for free." "Okay, Hank." "With your wife already a substitute teacher here... just keep the bitterness and the "he said, she said" out of my school." "We have a very good marriage." "I don't wanna catch you two making out in the teachers' lounge." "You won't." "Should I have the students call me Mr. Hill or Hank?" "Oh, good Lord." "And I thought I dodged a bullet when Luanne wanted to teach." "Are you comparing me to Luanne?" "Hank, sit down." "i'm gonna do for you what, at the beginning of my career, I did for me." "Create a unified theory of education." "Teaching can be divided into seven spectras." "The salutatory, the attendatory, pedagoguory...." "Wait." "Let's see, how's it go?" "Surf, Arnold, Perverse, Dinah. "D." Oh, disciplinaria." "...which brings us to sanitaria." "Everybody looks pretty clean, I guess we could empty the trash." "[Bobby whistles]" "[Stool squeaks]" "Son, could you stand up a minute?" "Cool." "Is that a switchblade?" "No, it's a multi-tool." "But it does have a saw." "What else does it have?" "HANK:" "Well, it has a file... a serrated Sheep's foot blade, a lanyard ring... you know, the usual." "And for our purposes now, a Phillips head." "Do that thing again." "HANK:" "What?" "This?" "[Students exclaim in wonder]" "What were you kids working on before they made this a study hall?" "JOSEPH:" "Birdhouses." "HANK:" "Let's see them." "[Hank murmurs approvingly]" "[Hank grunts thoughtfully]" "Okay, Joseph." "I don't see any reason your father needs to find out about this." "You know, birds can build their own houses." "They're called nests." "But i've never seen a bird build a boomerang or a dartboard." "[Students exclaiming in agreement]" "Okay, everyone, put on your goggles." "Now remember, everybody, goggles might make you look cool... but they're also part of proper safety attire." "i have this one student, kind of a troublemaker." "He likes to leave his rabbet plane lying blade down." "But a project like this mini-foosball set might just turn him around." "So, can I assume that my lesson plan got an A... or is your highest grade an A-plus?" "Actually, I was having a little trouble with the file cards... so, well, I kind of winged it." "Winged it?" "You professional teachers probably have a special term for it... but I just fell back on natural instinct." "It might not have been a pretty win, but I'll take it." "That's strange." "We don't seem to have a bevel gauge." "I'll bet you've got more tools than the school does." "And I bet the cost-benefit yahoo who decided this shop could... do without a bevel gauge has never even tried to test a bevel." "Much less a chamfer." "Yeah." "The big yahoo." "That's looking good, Bobby." "Just remember to clamp your butt joint." "[Snickering]" "l get it." "l'm sorry, Dad. I just" "No, it's okay." "You're right." "The joke's on me." "You should use a miter joint here." "That will look better." "Than a...." "Butt joint." "Right." "Okay, son." "Now you're just rubbing it in." "[Hissing]" "When we take the rose out of the liquid nitrogen... it becomes as brittle as the most delicate crystal wine goblet." "[Students murmuring]" "[Chuckles sheepishly]" "The exciting thing about the laws of nature... is that, well, you never know... what to expect." "[Glass shattering]" "Nice sanding, Joseph." "This napkin holder is smooth enough to hold even the finest napkins." "Your mom's gonna love it." "You see, this is why we do shop." "Not to be more popular or to get into college... but to sand and drill and chisel things for our moms." "Hey, there, Peggy, Welcome to my classroom," "Hank, it's Mrs. Peggy Hill in front of the voters." "Or two-time Substitute of the Year, Mrs. Hill." "Yes, that sounds more natural." "Didn't you hear the bell ring?" "In two minutes, these students will be tardy somewhere." "Did anyone show you how to fill out a hall pass?" "No, but I made my own rubber hall pass stamp." "Hank, what is gonna happen when that falls into the wrong hands?" "I guess you don't have a stamp to answer that, do you?" "Carl, I hope you don't mind." "I jotted down some basic supplies we need in shop." "We don't have money for all these fancy teaching aids." "Like wood." "You know, the Carl Moss l knew wouldn't" "Give it a rest, Hank." "All parents care about these days is zero-tolerance drug policies, and literacy." ""Why can't Johnny read?"" "God, that gets old." "But, Carl, shop is the foundation of all learning." "A youngster with a tool in both hands... has no hands left to do drugs." "They'll just put the tools down if they want to do the drugs bad enough." "Joseph must have used the last piece of maple for his napkin holder." "I wonder if it was like this teaching shop during World War ll." "I don't know." "You know what helped us win that war?" "People here at home made do with what they had." "Like when Clark's chair was squeaking, we all pitched in and fixed it." "And that's exactly what we're gonna do now." "This school is one big project waiting to be fixed." "Anyone notice that broken window in the chemistry class?" "We could all bring some tools from home to fix that window." "Or re-hang the letters that blew off the school last winter." "And no one's gonna make fun of us... for going to Om Landy Middle School no more!" "[Hammer tapping]" "[Upbeat instrumental music]" "HANK: "Here I sit brokenhearted." "Came to...."" "No!" "Who brought a cordless power sander?" "BOBBY:" "I'm on it." "[Power sander buzzing]" "I'll see you tomorrow back in class, Mr. Hill." "Remember, I called the drill press," "Okay, then, Susie." "I think they might like me." "More important, though, I think they might like shop." "That's just wonderful, Hank." "But remember, just because they are liking it... does not mean they are learning it." "Hey, Mr. Hill." "And p.s., watch out for the brown-nosers." "If history teaches us anything, it is that an informal pre-election vote... or "straw poll" favors the proven winner, or the "incumbent."" "For our Substitute Teacher of the Year straw poll... the incumbent would be me." "Mrs. Peggy with a "y" Hill." "Why should a straw poll favor the incumbent?" "Good question." "My theory is:" "voting for a winner is a way for you to feel more popular, too." "Now, please pass your ballots forward so Shawn can count them." "[Electric crackling]" "STUDENTS:" "Cool." "Well, if possibly burning our retinas is cool, then yes, cool." "Okay." "Thank you, Shawn." "Now I will announce the results." "Three votes for Lara Croft, whoever the heck that is." "Four votes undecided." "Okay." "Four votes for Mrs. Peggy Hill." "I thank you." "And seven votes for Mr. Hank Hill." "[Tense instrumental music]" "I don't have any math homework, honest." "Walk with me, Bobby." "I don't understand." "Most of the students who wanna vote for him don't even take shop." "Dad has very good buzz." "And what is the word on me?" "I think you're seen as more of an insider." "One of them." "A suit." "You know, they play, you dance-- -l got it." "[Sniffing]" "Okay. lf the locker room's all re-grouted... why don't you go to the cafeteria and work on those dimmer switches?" "Mr. Hill, come quick." "[Panting]" "Something's happened to Bobby." "[Tense instrumental music]" "CLARK:" "See?" "I caught your boy carrying these chisels and screwdrivers... and this toothy, pointy" "Keyhole saw." "They're tools." "Carl, you used to know that." "Well, maybe." "But according to the school board's zero-tolerance policy... anything that can be used as a weapon is a weapon." "That's just asinine." "My hands are tied." "If I showed even a little bit of tolerance, we couldn't call it zero-tolerance." "I'm sorry, Hank." "I'm gonna have to suspend your boy." "He didn't do anything wrong." "I told all my students to bring tools in." "Well, that cuts down on the paperwork." "I'm gonna have to suspend you." "Emily!" "Escort Mr. Hill off school grounds." "Don't you touch me." "[Solemn instrumental music]" "[Sighs]" "Kicked out of work, kicked out of school." "This is the worst vacation ever." "Bubbles." "Got you." "[Water bubbling]" "Damn zero-tolerance." "Using a saw for a weapon makes about as much sense... as using a gun to cut a two-by-four." "That's how my Dad built my tree house." "How he cleaned it, too." "Bureaucrats like Moss don't respond to reason, Hank." "Let's toilet paper his yard." "It's not just Moss, it's the whole dang school board." "That's gonna take a lot more TP." "I think they keep it under the sink." "[Slow instrumental music]" "[Sighs]" "BOBBY:" "Dad." "Dad, can we borrow your tools?" "I wanted to finish this cutting board for my mom's birthday." "And we've got no place to put our napkins." "Well, okay." "But you'll have to take turns." "I only have three circular saws." "What about sanders?" "I have enough sanders for everyone." "By now you have probably all heard about the suspension... of popular shop teacher, Mr. Hill." "And his disqualification for Substitute Teacher of the Year." "That's so unfair." "He lost his job." "I could not agree more." "And in protest, I, Peggy Hill... have decided to take my name off the ballot." "Instead, I will run as "Mrs. Hank Hill."" "[Hammer tapping]" "[Drill buzzing]" "You might wanna use a router instead of that power drill... for your grease moat there." "Can we do a whole unit on routers next week in class?" "Good idea, Susie, but it's not my class anymore." "I could fight for reinstatement... but I gotta get back to the propane game on Monday." "[Students exclaim disappointedly]" "But that shouldn't stop you from pursuing your own dreams of wood... plywood, pressed fiberboard, and if you've got the talent, metal." "You see, shop doesn't have to happen in any special place... as long as it's well-lit and the outlets are grounded." "Because shop is bigger than any classroom or garage... or stupid policy that makes tools illegal." "It's in our hearts." "[Sniffling]" "[Sentimental instrumental music]" "Okay, let's sweep up." "Honey, I called the school." "They will let you back on school grounds just for the award ceremony." "HANK:" "That's terrific" "Which I take as a very good indication of my chances." "Let's go." "Before we meet our new assistant swim coach, I'd like to announce the winner of this year's," "Substitute Teacher of the Year award," "Mrs, Hank Hill," "What?" "[Audience applauding]" "Oh, gosh, thank you." "Who would have thought that I would win three years in a row?" "Honey, my speech." "Look, it's Mr. Hill." "[Students cheering]" "You hear that, honey?" "I fell out of a plane, and just two months later... I have landed on my feet." "STUDENT:" "All right, shop!" "[Students cheering]" "Gracias, I accept this on behalf of everyone, who has ever fallen out of a plane, and lived to win her third straight Substitute Teacher of the Year award, I am king of the school!" "[Peggy whooping]" "[Microphone screeching]" "[Theme music]" "BOBBY,:" "Yeah, The big yahoo,"