"WOMAN 1 ON RADIO:" "Are you sitting quite comfortably?" "Then I'll begin." "MAN 1 ON RADIO:" "And the Home Service will be on the air at 6:45, with a market report for farmers." "MAN 2 ON RADIO:" "No, no, I'm the treasurer of the Picnic Committee." "WOMAN 2:" "The treasurer?" "MAN 3 ON RADIO:" "Answers, please." "Not to me, but to our producer." "Cheerio!" "See you next week!" " Good night, Dad." " Good night, James." "Straight to bed." " Good night, Mum." " Good night, James." "Sleep tight!" "Off with the lights now, please." "It's 9:00 at night and the dull dudes on the planet are sitting in their slippers sipping their sherries, but the people who love to rock and to roll are ready to ride the rock 'n' roller-coaster once more." "You are listening to Radio Rock and I'm the Count, and I'm counting on you, as we count down to ecstasy and rock all day and all of the night." "(ALL DAY AND ALL OP THE NIGHT PLAYING)" " How much longer?" " No time at all." "There she is." "Where she is?" "There she is." " I'm here to see Quentin." " Come, come." "(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)" "QUENTIN:" "Enter." " Carl?" " Yes." "My favorite godson." " Have we met before?" " I don't think so." "No." "There was a lost decade, so I always have to check." " How's your mum?" " She's fine." "Not over-fond of me at the moment." "She's a very attractive woman." " (CHUCKLES) Well, I..." " No, seriously." "I mean, to you, she's your mum, but to people of my age, she's a sexual legend." "So..." "Expelled?" " That's right." " What for?" "I suppose smoking was the clincher." "Drugs or cigarettes?" "Well, both." "Well done." "Proud of you." "So your mum sent you here in the hope that a little bracing sea air would sort you out?" " Something like that." " Spectacular mistake." "But, if you don't drown, we can at least help you to give up smoking and drug-taking." "I just have and I feel so much better for it." "Cigarette?" "(LAUGHS)" "No, thank you." "Spliff?" "Excuse me, everyone." "Could I introduce Carl, my godson?" "Welcome aboard." "I'm the Count." "I must be obeyed." "It's an honor." "Hi, Carl." "Don't miss Simple Simon's Super Sunday Smashes." "I'm Simon." "That's why I just said that." "Hi, I'm Angus "The Nut" Nutsford." "Hello there." "I'm John, News and lnformation Gathering." "Hi, I'm Felicity." " I didn't think girls were..." " I'm a lesbian." "Who cooks." " Of course." " Have a piece of toast." " Could I have a Mars?" " Don't touch those, I've just arranged them." "Do you..." "Do you know what a lesbian is?" " I do." " Fun times, eh?" "FELICITY:" "Anyone, toast, toast?" "I'm Thick Kevin." " Your delightful roommate." " Great." "I'm Carl." " Cool name." " Why Thick Kevin?" " I don't..." " It's 'cause he's really, really thick." "This is, of course, Dave." "Wow." "Big, but very beautiful." "Welcome to the Boat of Love." "ANNOUNCER ON RADIO:" "You know, if God were a DJ, he'd be on this station." "Let's have a tune, I'm sick of this silence." "(SCREAMING)" "And that was the sound of someone who missed last Sunday's chart show." "ANNOUNCER ON RADIO:" "Don't go mad and shoot yourself in the head." "Listen to Simple Simon's show..." "Why am I queuing up my own records?" "While I was swimming, I passed by a squirrel." "I just broke the knob off the record player." "Let's do it right now." "I'm busting for a wee." "A small knob." "I like it." "I said, "Mr. Squirrel, why are you swimming on your back?"" "Voila!" ""Well, I swim on my back to keep my nuts dry."" "I'm on fire!" "All right, I'm out." "You're probably still at school, it's 20 to 3:00." "Or you might be bunking off, in which case, good on you." " Carl?" " Yes." " How you doing?" " Quite good, thank you." " Are you nervous?" " A little bit." " Come over here." "Yeah, come over here." " There?" "Come on." "Welcome." "Turn around." "Now get the fuck out." "(LAUGHING)" "SIMON:" "Okay, so the Tuesday night of fun starts here." "We're ready..." " We're ready." "Gather 'round." " Steam, steam, steam, steam." "Okay, so the teams are Dave and the Count versus Young Carl and Thick Kevin." "CARL:" "Okay?" "Don't worry, it's not because I'm actually thick that I'm called Thick Kevin, it's just a nickname." "That's right." "So, who wants to go first?" " Wanna guess?" " COUNT:" "I'll guess, fine." "SIMON:" "All right, who's going?" "Big Bad Dave." "SIMON:" "No looking." "30 seconds starting from now!" "Easy." "Your president." " What?" " Your president." " Lyndon Johnson." " Yes!" " He wrote Oliver Twist." " Charles Dickens." "Go, go, go, go, go, go!" "Lovely." "Lead singer of The Rolling Stones." " COUNT:" "Mick Jagger." " Yes." " Is a spy, 007, yes!" " Bond, James Bond!" "And the actor who plays." "(IMITATING SEAN CONNERY) "Hello, I'm James Bond."" " DAVE:" "The actor who plays 007..." "Yes!" " Sean Connery." " Quickly, quickly." "Time, time, time." " Hello, I'm a Beatle." " I'm one of the Beatles." " Time, time, time, no, no, no, no." " That one doesn't count." " That was gonna be good." "SIMON:" "That's 6 to 0." "COUNT:" "I feel good about this one." " COUNT:" "Forget it now." " Well, all right." "Ready to rock." "Okay, the thing about Kev is you gotta think outside the box." " Think outside the box." " He's ready to rock." "SIMON:" "Forget about the box." "JOHN:" "Thirty seconds from now!" "COUNT:" "Go!" "You can do it." "It's a type of bird, but it's wearing a hat." "COUNT:" "Fucking genius." "He's just nervous." "KEVIN:" "Not so much a hat." "Something that's at the top of a coat and attached to the coat and covers the head, but is not a hat." " A hood?" " Yes, and now first name, type of bird." " It's a something hood." " Robin Hood!" "(ALL EXCLAIMING)" "Why didn't you just say he lived in Sherwood Forest and has a bow and arrow?" "Yeah?" "What?" "Who are you talking about?" "Robin Hood." " I didn't know that." " JOHN:" "Counting down." "Right, hang on, no." "Tricky one." "SIMON:" "It's like he's having a stroke." "Nice guy." " Nice guy?" " KEVIN:" "Yes, very nice guy." " (LAUGHING) Really nice guy." " CARL:" "ls that it?" "No." "Has lots of friends." "Has long hair." "Ah!" " Jimi Hendrix?" " No, much older." " No shoes." " (LAUGHING) I know this." "Nice guy, has long hair, doesn't have any shoes." "KEVIN:" "Think about it." " Must be..." " It's like watching a baby drown." "Wore a dress." " Dress?" " Wore a dress!" "This had better not be Jesus." " Yes, Jesus!" " Obviously!" "Rock on!" "Why didn't you say he was the Son of God?" "Was he?" "Now, there is one final matter to discuss." " Pirate radio." " MAN:" "Goodness." " In whose department does this fall?" " That would be me, Prime Minister." "What's the plan, Sir Alistair?" "They're very popular." "And they're not actually breaking any law that we know of." "We're going to shut them down within the year." "They are a sewer of dirty and irresponsible commercialism and low morals." "PRIME MINISTER:" "Indeed." " Very well." "I leave it in your capable hands." " Thank you very much, Prime Minister." "Thank you all." "Full news again in one hour with me, John Mayford." "Till then, this man." "This was the deal." "I asked all of you to demand of me to do a very foolish thing, and you sent in ideas in their millions." "But one idea has defeated them all, so I'm proud to announce I will soon be the first person to say the "F" word on rock 'n' roll radio in the United Kingdom of Great Britain." "But my aim is not to offend, it is to entertain." "But also, perhaps, to educate a little." "Because if you shoot a bullet, someone dies." "When you drop a bomb, many die." "If you hit a woman, love dies." "But if you say the "F" word, nothing actually happens." "So here it comes." "Especially for you, the "F" word." "(MAKING "F" SOUND)" "First, though, this very fine piece of music." "(HANG ON SLOOPY PLAYING)" " You can't do this." " Why not?" "It's just a word!" "Charming thought, but here's the simple situation." "The authorities already dislike us." "If you do this they will hate us, and by hook or by crook, they'll find a way to close us down." "They can't close us down." "We're pirates." "That's why we're sitting out here in the middle of the freaking ocean." "Believe me, they will find a way." "Governments loathe people being free." "Okay." "(ALL BOOING)" "Okay, I'm thinking about it." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "My dear comrades, I have some sad news." "The powers that be have decreed that the "F" word is a word too far." "But at least for now, even though our dreams of freedom have died a tragic death, the Hollies are still alive." "Thank you." "I don't know why you did that." "I was just gonna say "fuck" once." "You know, one tiny little "fuck."" "There's no such thing as a tiny little "fuck."" "Yeah there is." "You should ask Angus' girlfriend." "(ALL EXCLAIM)" "Be that as it may, there's no "fuck" so small it won't fuck us up." "One day, in a world of dreams, you'll be able to say "wank"" "or "bollocks" or even "cock" on the radio." "But "fuck," never." " Excuse me, my Lordship." " Yes, Harold?" "HAROLD:" "You've left your mike up in the studio." "(ALL LAUGHING)" "So I have." "(LAUGHING)" "I do apologize to everyone out there" "for the four..." "Or was it five "F" words, Quentin?" "The Hollies will continue undisturbed." "I'm so sorry about that, Quentin, but you know," "I thought you sounded good." "You have a lovely voice for radio." "Fuck off." "That makes it six, Quentin." "It couldn't have turned out better, in my opinion." "Right." "Good morning, good morning, good morning, good morning." "Please sit down." "Pirate radio stations." "Good, good, good, good, good." "Now, I have told the Prime Minister that we will shut them down within 12 months." "As you will see, sir, they're not in fact outside of the law at the moment, sir." "Then they soon will be, won't they, Mr..." " Fredericks." " Fredericks." "You see, that's the whole point of being the government." "If you don't like something, you simply make up a new law that makes it illegal." " Speaking of which, Mr..." " Fredericks." " Fredericks." " Yes, sir?" "I think we might also start working on legislation to outlaw that haircut of yours." " You don't like it, sir?" " No one likes it." "Apart from blind people." "And I'm sure even they can sense its profound ugliness as it passes by." "I'll give you a day to deal with the hair, and a fortnight to deal with the pirates." "Goodbye." "Miss C, as I suspected, totally useless!" " Send me that clever new chap!" " Certainly, sir!" "I have a job for him." "We have some damage to do." "Good morning, everybody." "You're listening to Simple Simon's Breakfast Show on 203 meters in the medium waveband." "You're one of 23 million people listening to the Boat of Love this morning." "Looking forward to Saturday?" " What's Saturday?" " Saturday!" "Sensational Saturday!" "(EXCLAIMS)" "As you may have noticed, there are, unfortunubbly, no women on this boat," " apart from Felicity..." " FELICITY:" "Hiya!" "...who is of the lesbionic tendency." "But every second Saturday, each DJ is allowed to invite one girl onto the boat." "(ALL EXCLAIMING)" "So, any idea who'll you'll invite?" "God." "Presumably there's a sort of presumption that there'll be..." " Sex, of some sort." " Every time." "ANGUS:" "Yeah." "CARL:" "Then no." "I've spent my life at all-boys' schools." "The closest I've ever come to a snog is when I was once licked on the face by a horse." " Sounds good, actually." " ANGUS:" "A horse?" "I'm sorry to hear that, Carl, my son." "I would seriously like to help." "I will put my mind to it." " Miss Peacock." " How are you lined up, eh?" " Well, her name is Daphne." " And she likes the bearded man." " She does, indeed." " With a tiny knob." "Whatever." "I've got a tiny knob, actually." "But I rather like it." "It means I can wear smaller underpants." "Don't know what that means." "I didn't understand any of that." "What about other..." "Who's that guy up there?" "I haven't met him yet." "QUENTIN:" "That is Mark." "He's the sexiest man on the planet." "Hardly ever speaks." "Not even when he's broadcasting, which is interesting." "So that's Midnight Mark." "(TELL IT LIKE IT IS PLAYING)" "Thanks." "Wow." "Now... (UPBEAT SONG PLAYING)" " You not got anyone?" " No." "No, not today." "I guess I'm really..." "I'm looking for that "one true love" thing." " Really?" " Yeah." "Yeah." "Big time." " You dig the dream?" " I dig the dream." "Yeah, it's a good dream." " Here they come." " Here they come." "ANGUS:" "There they are!" "Wow." "Wowzer." "(ALL CHEERING)" "Oh, my God, it's like a boat of honey." "(ALL EXCLAIMING)" "I wanna sleep with them all!" " Hi." " Welcome aboard!" "ANGUS:" "Do a twirl!" "I need a big drink." "I agree." "Let's leave." "(GIRL LAUGHING)" "Right, hurry, up the steps." "Do you mind if I call you guys by the same name?" "Twins can be very confusing." "(GIRLS GIGGLING)" "This is actually a very interesting book." " Is it?" " Yes, it's..." "My father used to collect woodpeckers." " Really?" " Yeah!" "No." "No, my father was an architect." "How about you?" "What did your father do?" "Well, he had sex with my mum and then left without leaving his name or address." " No." " Yeah." " No!" " It's cool." "I..." "You don't miss what you've never had." "Nothing planned, you guys?" " No, no." " Well, yes." "Another very quiet afternoon for me and my sex life." "The sad room." "(IMITATING CRYING)" "(SIGHS)" "Come here." "I've come to get you out of your predicament." "What predicament?" "The whole sad act." "No girl, unused pencil-sized penis predicament." "That predicament." "Walk this way." "Don't walk that way." " No." "Walk woodpecker way." " Well, I'm just gonna..." "Okay." "Okay, it might work." "But one, it's morally wrong." " Well, I mean, is it?" " Yes." "And two, it might not work. ln which case I'm gonna be the biggest idiot in the world." "All this is true." "But on the other hand, it could be the best five minutes of your life." "(KNOCKING ON DOOR)" "You hear that?" "That's destiny knocking." "Get in there." "Sorry, girls." "Sorry, Mum." "Yeah." "The Doctor is hungry." "Come on in, baby." " What's this?" " Alcohol." " You're trying to get me drunk, are you?" " Of course I am." "How you been?" "Yeah, you're all right." "I need to pull the pin on the love grenade." "Please do." "(BOTH EXCLAIMING)" "Boom." "I think..." "I think we should turn the lights off." "Do we have to?" "I like to see you when I'm with you." "I can't make love in electric light, it's unnatural." "Trust me, though, yeah?" "I'm a doctor." "Okay." "Un, deux, trois." "Let's do this, yeah?" "Come on." "Keep your boots on." "DESIREE:" "Keeping the boots on." "DAVE:" "There we go." "Although, not quite good enough." "There." "Pitch black." "Hey!" " DESIREE:" "You are a very complex man." " Thank you." "Will you..." "Will you just excuse me for a second?" "DESIREE:" "Where are you going?" "DAVE:" "I think we should take some precautionary measures." "Don't worry, I'm on the pill." "DAVE:" "I still think I'd like to freshen up, though." " DESIREE:" "Okay." "Hurry back." " I will." "(DESIREE GIGGLING)" "What the hell are you doing?" "I just thought it'd be nice if I brush my teeth first, but I didn't have my toothbrush, so what I did was I borrowed..." "No, I mean, what the hell are you doing still dressed?" " Yes, do you think I should get undressed?" " Yeah." "I can't walk out of there stark-bollock naked and walk back in fully clothed, can l?" "Fine, okay, fine." " Think smart." " Right." " You sure it's dark enough out there?" " Yes, it's pitch black." "The pope could walk in and poke her, she would never know." " I just wish I was a bit bigger." " Why?" "'Cause you're beety, you know?" "(KNOCKING AT DOOR)" " DESIREE:" "Can I come in?" "I need to wee." " Yeah, hang on, hang on!" "One second." "In here!" "Down there." "Hurry!" "Just..." "Hurry up!" "Come in." "What are you doing in here?" " Private man things." " I could hear voices." "Disc jockeys are always practicing our patter." "Gosh, you're quite chunky, aren't you?" "Am I?" "I mean, yeah!" "Yeah, I suppose I am." "The girls seem to like it." "That's what I like about you." "You're a nice clean bird." "(LAUGHING) That's what you think." "No!" "No way." "Don't..." "Don't do that." "Don't dry your hands, I..." "I love a girl with..." "Wet hands." "You are strange." "(EXCLAIMS)" "Do you want to get down to it, then?" "Just give me a second, will you?" "I dunno if you can see, but I've got a bit of nougat lodged in a molar at the back." " Well, hurry up, lover boy." " I will, lover girl." "(BOTH LAUGHING)" "Casanova." "But what about the size thing?" "She said you were chunky." "Relax." "Just find the right position and it will all be over before she realizes." " Just be quick." " I think you can be pretty sure" "I'm gonna be quick." "I could see a lot of myself in you." "Come here." "It's a very special time." "Trousers." "I can do this." "I just don't know where..." "Hey, look at me." "Enjoy it." "Enjoy it." "(EXHALES DEEPLY)" " I'm not a virgin." " Okay." " I'm having second thoughts." " Carl." "This is your destiny." "DESIREE:" "Hello, big boy." "(BOTH SCREAMING)" "No, wrong room!" "Sorry." "(KNOCK AT DOOR)" "Come in." " Sir?" " Yes." " Very impressive references here." " Thank you, sir." "Very unusual name." "Twatt?" "And that's with two T's?" "Have you heard of pirate radio, Twatt?" " Like Radio Rock, sir?" " Indeed, exactly like Radio Rock." " Ever listened to it?" " Not often." "I'm not really a pop person." "I prefer classical music." " Well, who doesn't?" " The listeners of Radio Rock, sir?" "Precisely." "The drug-takers and the law breakers and the bottom-bashing fornicators of our recently great country." "Well, here's your little task." "I want Rock off the air in 12 months, and I want you to be my private assassin." "Someone's gone!" "No, don't want it!" "FELICITY:" "All right." "KEVIN:...but she did this wonderful thing, where she put a tiny bit of ketchup..." "Hi." "Sorry, man, but who are you?" "Bob." "Smooth Bob." "Bob Silver, the Dawn Treader." "I do the early, early, early morning show." "You're Bob." " Yeah." " Good old Bob." "How long have you been on the boat, Bob?" "Seven months." "Every morning, 3:00 a.m. to 6:00 a.m." "Well, then how come we've never met you?" "Well, you know, I keep myself to myself." "A lot of sleep." "Fair amount of drugs." "A total immersion in the vinyl, you know?" "Gotta listen to the music if you're gonna give the people what they need." "In their heart and their soul." "Yeah?" "Better be getting back to the sounds, 'cause it's a bit hectic in here." "ANGUS:" "So that's Bob?" "FELICITY:" "Good old Bob." " COUNT:" "That's Bob." " Wry Sir Bob." "What was his name again?" "Really?" "So, young man, how's it going?" "Well, sir, I think I may have had a little breakthrough." "The pirate stations only exist because they sell advertising." "Yes, you can listen to our pop music, but only if you also buy Findus Frozen Fish Fingers." "Exactly." "So what we can do immediately is make advertising on the stations illegal for British companies." "We would cut off the boats' cash with one fell swoop." "Brilliant." "I like you, Twatt." "(WHISTLE SOUNDING)" "Stop blowing the whistle, man, we were chatting." "I have a very important announcement." "As you may know there has been a serious squeeze put on our advertisers by Her Majesty's Government." "This chart, thank you, John, displays what's been happening to our advertising revenue in the last few weeks." " Ouch." " So, I've had to stir myself from my traditional languor and do something to make the station more attractive to new commercial partners." "Two years ago, something terrible happened, and we lost the greatest DJ pirate radio has ever known to America, ambition, and alcoholic poisoning." "And then something wonderful happened and we got, in return, from America, a man who proved more than capable of filling those enormous shoes." " Love our Count." " I do my humble best." "And now, my friends, I have good news." " Bad news, sir." " Very good news." "Have you ever heard of Gavin Kavanagh?" "No, I have not." "He's possibly the most famous popular music broadcaster ever." " Indeed, a strange and mysterious legend." " And what about him?" " Well, sir, he's decided..." " To return." " SIMON:" "No!" " Stop it!" "Oh, my..." "Three weeks today, Gavin Kavanagh returns to rock on Radio Rock." "(ALL CHEERING)" "So?" "So, it is more important than ever to actually close the stations down." "Otherwise the advertisers will simply flock back and pay their bills from abroad." "Well, what are we going to do, then?" "We go, sir, for the jugular." "And this next song is dedicated to the coolest man in the whole of the world, and he's about to step onto this boat." "It is gorgeous Gavin Kavanagh, and this week he's definitely number one!" "(JUMPING JACK PLASH PLAYING)" "Quentin." "Like the beard." "And you must be the Count." "I am he." "I wonder what that makes me, the king?" " Or the clown?" " Nice to meet you, sweetheart." " All right, and you are?" " Felicity." " Rules changed?" " I'm a lesbian." " Groovy!" "Always or mostly?" " Absolutely always." " (WHISPERING) So you say." " No!" "Stop that." "Now, take me to my microphone." "I need to broadcast." "Let's go!" "(ALL WHOOPING)" "GAVIN:" "Are you doing something dirty?" "Are you doing something your parents don't know about?" "Are you breaking the law?" "(CHUCKLES)" "Are you breaking the rules?" "Open your knees and feel the breeze, because Gavin's back to stay." "(MUSIC PLAYING)" "Now it's just you and me, and I'm looking right up your skirt." "That feels so good." "That feels wonderful!" "Listen to this." "This will make you moist." "Watch and learn, kids, watch and learn." "(FOR YOUR LOVE PLAYING)" "Buddy Holly." "This is Gavin, tweaking the nation's nipples!" "(GIVE ME A TICKET FOR AN AIRPLANE PLAYING)" "So, join me tomorrow, when I'll be playing definitive rock 'n' roll here on Radio Rock." "Think of me when you come." "And now it's over to Jolly John." "For some more murders, rapes and abductions, it's the news." "The news at midday." "In London..." " Twatt, Miss C. How is the jugular going?" " Slowly, sir." "Yes, I hear the arrival of Mr. Kavanagh has been followed by the finding of a rash of new stations, for God's sake." " Yes, sir." " Sort it out in a fortnight." "Find me a loophole in the law so that I can make them all illegal or you are both fired." "And when I say fired, I do not only mean that you will lose your jobs." "I mean that you will never work again." "You disastrous, pathetic" "ugly nobodies." "Jugular, my arse!" "(A WORLD OF OUR OWN PLAYING)" "How about a little bit more Seekers?" "(GEORGY GIRL PLAYING)" "Harold, I've just put another one straight on." "Double Seekers!" "Two!" "You wanted to see me?" "Yes, Carl!" "Your birthday is coming and I haven't got you a present yet." "It's difficult." "What do you give the man who has nothing?" "Yeah, it's tricky." "So, after deep thought, what I've decided is to give you a nice time." "Tomorrow evening, I've invited my niece, Marianne, to dinner." "She is the sweetest and prettiest girl in the world." "It's Midnight Mark here." "Hi." "QUENTIN:" "Hello?" "GIRL:" "Midnight Mark." "Carl." "Good evening." "This is Marianne." "(THESE ARMS OF MINE PLAYING)" "Hi." "You already said that." "Yeah." "Could you excuse me for one second?" " Dave." "Hi." " Hi." "Could I borrow a... (CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY)" "A condom?" "Sure." "Well, well, well, Young Carl." "Do you know how it works?" "Of course I bloody know how it works." "QUENTIN:" "Carl." "They made me steer the thing myself." "Alone." " And you did?" " Yeah." "I must be" " the most inexperienced person..." " Is Quentin around?" "No, actually, you just missed him." "Oh, my God." "A woman." "(CHUCKLES)" "And not just a woman." "The most beautiful and succulent woman in the history of mankind." "Dave, this is Marianne." "Dave, hello!" "I'm a real fan!" "Who isn't?" "Well, it's lovely to meet you, Miraculous Marianne." "Parlez-vous francais?" " No." " No, me neither." " I can see why you wanted that condom." " What?" "Well, well, night-night." "What did he just say?" " "Night-night"?" " No, before that." "(STUTTERING) I didn't quite catch it." "Did he say, "l can see why you wanted the condom"?" "(CHUCKLING)" "I did not hear him say that." "I did." "And the only conclusion I can draw from that is that you thought I was going to be so easy that you borrowed a condom." "No." "Then what other conclusion can I then draw?" "Okay." "It's true." "And I'm sorry." "It's just that the first moment I saw you," "I fell in love with you, instantly, and I thought that, if I got luckier than any man has ever got, it would be a tragedy if I didn't have..." "A condom." "I can see how that was just sick and very wrong, and so I'm gonna take the condom out of my pocket and I'm throwing the condom into the North Sea." "You see, I already adore you." "I hope one day we'll get married and have children." "Thank you." "Come here." "I think we're going to need that condom." "Dave, you don't have another condom?" "Sorry, mate, it was my last." "What happened to the one I gave you?" "Long story." "Try Gavin." "Thank you." "Okay." "Just one minute." "This is my room." "You should stay here, and I'll be back," " and Kevin, I can see you." " All right." " Evening." " Good evening." "You don't have any..." "No, probably not." "Carry on." " Thank you, Gavin, I really appreciate it." " Don't mention it, youngster." "Remember, be gentle, but be firm." "Very firm, indeed." "And when you're done with it, run it under the tap, rinse it out, use it again." "Where is she?" "Marianne?" "DAVE:" "Baby." "(MARIANNE LAUGHING)" "Oh, no." "Oh, no!" "Hey, kid." "Hey, how you doing?" "I can see you, Marianne." "(SO LONG, MARIANNE PLAYING)" "(KNOCK AT DOOR)" "Enter." "Sir." "The two weeks are over, and I'm afraid I haven't really been able to find you a loophole." "What a shame." "Time for you to move on, then, like your sad little father." "But what I have done is find you a noose." "I have a report here that says that last week the distress call of a fishing boat wasn't heard because its radio waveband was blocked by Radio Rock." "Men were dying, and they couldn't be saved because of this rock 'n' roll pornography." "I think, sir, we have our smoking gun." "Very good, indeed." " Did the fishermen die in the end?" " No, sir." "That's a pity." "I think I may have also discovered a way of actually getting on the boat to do some more "intimate" research." " Well done, Twatt." " Thank you, sir." "We have their testicles in our hands." "And it feels good." "ANNOUNCER ON RADIO:" "It's magnificent Monday and 200 gorgeous competition winners are heading straight for Radio Rock." "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to our Boat of Bliss." " KEVIN:" "Hello." " Morning." " We're not lost." " Morning." " KEVIN:" "Just quite a big boat..." " Morning." "(GIRLS SCREAMING)" "And this is the kitchen." "And this is the food we eat if the weather's bad and we can't get it fresh from shore." "Tinned food!" " And this is our cook, Felicity." " ALL:" "Hi!" " She's a lesbian." " Yes, I am." "(GIRLS EXCLAIMING)" "(SCREAMS)" "Hello." "Can I help you?" "Yes, hello." "Got a bit lost." "More than a bit." "In order to get here, you have to open a really quite heavy door with the words "No Entry" on it." "Well, I didn't see that, so it must have been left open." "You look suspiciously square to be a fan of this boat's output." " No, no, no, I'm a real fan." " I hope so." "Because if word gets out that you're here to spy on us," "I think you may have trouble hanging on to your testicles." "Are you threatening me?" "Do you know what, I think I am." "Because I've got pretty good instincts and you look like a twat to me." "Get out of here." "Everyone leaves in 15 minutes!" "Welcome back." "I hope you've all had a tremendous time." "(ALL CHEERING)" "The only slightly odd thing is there seem to be about half as many of you as there were earlier." "If you give us a moment, we will sort out this strange and mysterious situation." " Ladies." " Hi, Quentin." "Busy day." "So I see." "But I rather fear now is the time to move on." "(ALL GRUMBLING)" "You can all come back to my room, if you like." " Girl at the back?" " No." "Give it up, Nutsford." "So, what did you find out?" "The boat itself is in very bad condition." "Good!" "Which means if they ever try to get away or even move, they won't get far." "Bravo, mission accomplished." "So tell me, Twatt, what's the plan?" "I think we should work to get public opinion on our side." "Then, January the 1 st, we make pirate radio totally illegal on the grounds that they are endangering the lives of the brave men and women of the nation's shipping community, upon whom the economy and fish and chip shops of the country depend." "And if they try to dety the law, we take them out." "Splendid." "I think we can call it the Marine Offenses Act." "The Marine Offenses Act." "I like it." "And I think the Queen will like it, too." " We have them on the ropes." " God, I love ropes." "You must come over to dinner sometime." "Meet the family." "And that was for Erica from Wolverhampton." "Yes, it's mail time." "(KNOCK AT DOOR)" "(RHYTHMICALLY) Hey, guys." "Hey, Simon, what can we do for you?" "Well, Carl, my mate, my best mate, I've got some news." "I don't know why I'm singing." "I can't even..." "My words are just coming out in tune." "I'm so happy. lf I were the Count right now," "I would definitely be using the "F" word to describe the level of this good news." " Hold me!" "Hold me!" " For what?" "I'm getting married!" "To a woman!" "(ALL EXCLAIMING)" " You're fucking doing fucking what?" " I'm marrying." " And give her one for the Nutster!" " I won't." "GAVIN:" "What's the lovely lady's name?" " Elenore." " Elenore." "Yeah, she's an American." "QUENTIN:" "Well, I hope you all appreciate what this means?" "From next Saturday, there will, for the first time, be a woman living on the boat." "No offence meant." "None taken." "I'm actually quite excited about it." "Hands off, you lesbian." "Watch out!" "Eye on you." "But Elenore will, of course, be totally exclusive to her lucky husband." "Here, I hope you gentlemen can take it." "For my eyes only." "May I just say, now that Quentin has departed, one word which I believe is the only word in the world that now matters?" "And that word is..." "Matrimony." "Stag!" " Yeah!" " Yeah!" " Stag, stag, stag!" " Stag, stag, stag!" "JOHN:" "Fantastic!" "(LOWING)" "It's a stag." "I thought you were having a seizure." "He's okay." "He's fine." "So how long have you guys known each other?" "Two weeks." "Yeah, it's the old proverbial thunderbolt." "There I was, just minding my own business, having a quiet drink." "Over trots this blonde bombshell." "Before I knew it, there was quite a lot of..." "ALL:" "Yeah!" "Lot of kissing." " And then?" " No," "I'm afraid we're both big believers in the whole" ""not before the big night" thing." " That is sick." " It's not sick." " Why?" " I just hope that the boat is solid." "The sexual energy that will be unleashed that night will blow a hole in her blooming side." "I know how you feel." "It's gonna be like Niagara Falls under my sheets." " Yeah, my sheets, too." " What?" " Where are we going, Count?" " We are going exactly where we should be going." "Pub!" "Club!" "No, no, no, no!" "Stop, stop, stop." "Don't do it." "Stop, stop, stop" "I love you." "I'm getting married!" "CARL:" "I think I might have had a bit too much to drink last night." " What about you?" " KEVIN:" "No, I'm in good shape." "In fact, I find alcohol rather sharpens my mind." " Really?" " Yes." " And I've been thinking." " Dangerous." "It's a bit queer that your mum sent you here to get on the straight and narrow, when this is obviously the worst possible place in the world to do that." "There's sex and drugs and alcohol." " Without the sex." " My theory is that you're here because it's exactly the right time for a young man like you to get to know his dad." "And?" "I therefore think that your dad is on this boat." "And since he's definitely not me," "I think he's probably Quentin." "Sometimes, just sometimes," "I think I should be called Clever Kevin." "What do you say to that?" "And top news of the day." "At 2:45 precisely this afternoon," "Sir Simon Swafford, king of the charts, marries the prettiest girl who ever lived." "I just want you to know, I want to assure listeners that this doesn't mean that I have any less love for you." "I'll still be here every morning." "The only difference will be, I'll be happy." "(ELENORE PLAYING)" "Oh, my God." "Here she comes." " Big day." " Big day!" "I shouldn't look." "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here in the sight of God, apparently, which is scary, to witness the wedding of this man and this" "total goddess." "(ALL WHISTLING AND CHEERING)" "Jesus Christ alone knows why she's marrying him." "(CHUCKLES)" " Good one." " But love is, as the Everly Brothers so wisely observed, strange." "And the bride is blushing now as the groom is gazing into her eyes." "You can almost see Cupid fluttering his wings above their heads." "(IMITATING WINGS FLAPPING)" "(CAWING)" "No, that was a seagull." "Shut up, Nutsford." "Best man, have you got the rings?" "CARL:" "I have." "Thanks, mate." "There you are." "How lovely." "I now declare you man and stunning wife." "(ALL EXCLAIMING)" "So sweet." "(GIGGLES)" "(HORN HONKING)" "You may now kiss the bride, poor girl." "Yes, the full sweep over." "(ALL CHEERING)" "No, take it." "God." "You have it." "(ALL SINGING ELENORE)" "Where's those bridesmaids?" "It's Nutty Nutsford here, the morning after the night before." " Hey." " Hey!" "So how did it go?" "It..." "I think it will get better." "You know, it was..." "She was tired." "I was a little overexcited, it was..." "If I'm honest, it was a bit quick sticks." "But we don't need to blow it all on one night, do we?" "Do we?" "No." "We've all the time in the world." "Round two." " Good luck." " Thanks." " Hey!" " Hey, babe." "You look like a unicorn." "In a negligee." "(ELENORE CHUCKLING)" " How is Mrs. Swafford this morning?" " Good." "Good, very good." "I've brought you some tea." " No?" " I don't like tea." "I'll drink it myself." "Simon, I've got some news." "No." "Don't tell me..." "You're pregnant already, aren't you?" "I knew this was gonna happen." "The Swaffords have always had strong stuff." "No, it's not that." "(SIGHS)" "(EXCLAIMS IN RELIEF)" "Not that I don't want babies." "I do." "I want a dozen." "You'll be in bits by the time I'm done, but, you know, I thought that we could have a few more years of reckless shagging before we settle into Baby Boulevard." "Simon, I'm so in love." "Of course you are." "Gavin is so fantastic." "Isn't he?" "Isn't he just the greatest, the coolest guy?" "Yes, he is." "I guess that's why I'm in love with him." "Koala bear, when you said that you were in love with him, there might be..." "Translation." "What do you mean by that?" "Well, I... (BOTH CHUCKLING)" "I met him about a week before I met you and I fell in love with him." "But he said the only way that I could be on the boat was if we got married." "And he wouldn't do that, for obvious reasons." "So I suggested that I could just marry another DJ, and that way I could still be on the boat." "He said that was a mad idea." "But then I met you." "You know, I saw you sitting all alone in that pub and I just leapt at the opportunity and..." "Well, now, here I am." "And if it's okay with you, I'll be moving in with Gavin tonight." "Thanks for being so understanding." "But I don't understand." "But I just explained." "See, I met Gavin and we fell in love and..." "No, I get that." "I understood all..." "I get the ins and outs of it." "What I don't understand is how you could be so cruel." "I mean, we're just married, if you read the..." "Yesterday." "And we're supposed to spend the rest of our lives together." "(STUTTERING)" "We will, in a way." "We will, we will. lt's just..." "I'll be having sex with Gavin instead of you every night, and..." "But we'll still be friends." "If you need me, I'll be right next door." "Okay?" "Having sex?" "Hopefully, yes." "You might hear us." "That would be nice." "Official sources were today sad to announce the separation of Simon Swafford and his wife, Elenore, after 17 hours of marriage." "It is understood the split is due to musical differences." "(STAY WITH ME, BABY PLAYING)" "No, no, I can't believe" "You're leaving me" "Stay with me, baby" "Please, stay with me, baby" "Stay with me, baby" "ANNOUNCER ON RADIO:" "Here's the guy who plays all the hits." "It's, it's, it's Simple Simon Swaftord." "And the time is now 7:09 in the a.m., and you're listening to Simple Simon Swaftord Show on Radio Rock, 203 meters on the medium waveband." "And remember, folks, it ain't simple being cool, but it's cool being simple." "ANNOUNCER ON RADIO:" "Radio Rock." " Well, what do you have to say, bastard?" " Come on, be fair." "I didn't ask her to do it." "I said to her, it's absolutely not on and now she's left, she's gone, she's left the boat, she's not coming back." "I honestly can't see what I've done wrong." "What can I say?" "It's the dark side of rock 'n' roll." "Can you tell me one thing?" "Before she left this morning, did you..." "You didn't..." "You know?" "Just one little pop." "I thought it was the least I could do after all the trouble the lovely girl had gone to." "CARL:" "Simon, wait." " Can't really blame him, can we?" " Yeah, you can." "Mister, you ever heard of the Vietnam War?" " I have." " Well, that holocaust is simply a playground skirmish next to what you're about to experience." "I'm declaring war." "W" " A-R." "Gonna tear you apart." "DAVE:" "My dear listeners, you may have noticed a certain cooling of the relationship between His Royal Highness, the Count of Cool, and a guy called Gavin." "Well, I'm eager to show the world that he is a coward." "So I'm suggesting something that's pretty big where I come from, and it's a game called "Chicken."" "(IMITATING CHICKEN CLUCKING)" "The man who climbs furthest is the victor." "May the best man win." "And the biggest chicken lose." "Are we ready?" "Then let the ascent commence." "ANGUS:" "Come on, Count." "Come on." "Up you go." "(ALL CHEERING)" "Climb for America, sir." " Hope she's worth it." " She definitely was." "Fuck." " Come on, Count." " Come on, Count." " QUENTIN:" "For God's sake." " Help him!" "(PANTING)" "Okay." "It's..." "It's getting pretty high now." "(COUNT PANTING)" "I suppose there might be an argument that it's time for a..." "A moment of reflection." "Spoken like a five-star chicken." " What are they doing?" " Just trying to help you out." "Come on, guys, don't be stupid." "Enough is enough, you've proved your point." "We should do something!" "For God's sakes, stop!" "All he did was have sex with someone's wife." "Sorry, Simon, don't take it personal." "DAVE:" "If you fall, you will die." "Oh, my God." "Well, changed your mind, then?" " About what?" " About me being a chicken." "Why do you ask?" "Well, we've reached the top." "And..." "It's the top." "But it's not the end." "Isn't it?" "No, sir." " Christ." " Fuck." "Step away from the edge, you silly bastards." "This is madness." "ANGUS:" "You're nuts!" "You're nuts!" "I think, at the end of the day, mast climbing is the winner." "Why am I so fucking fat?" " What do you say now?" " I say," "I know a chicken when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now." "Adios, amigo." "(ALL SCREAMING)" "ANGUS:" "Man overboard!" "(ALL CLAMORING)" "Fuck!" "I don't even like Simon!" "Cry-baby." "Cry-baby!" "Bollocks." "SIMON:" "What are you doing?" "Wop-bop-a-loom-a-blop-bam-boom." "Tutti-frutti!" "Ladies and gentlemen of Great Britain." "Abraham Lincoln once said, "lt is the measure of a man" ""that he can admit when he's wrong."" "And I have been catastrophically wrong." "I'd also like to take this opportunity to apologize to a dear friend of mine," "Simon." "Finally, everything onboard is gonna be just fine." "Everyone, this is our last ball, so please be careful." " Kevin, it's your kick-off." " ANGUS:" "Kevin, come on, Kevin." "CARL:" "ldiot!" "QUENTIN:" "ldiot!" "ANGUS:" "Get them trousers off." "Get him!" "(SUNNY AFTERNOON PLAYING)" "QUENTIN:" "I can see your nuts, Nutsford." "For the first time in the history of basketball, the United Kingdom of Great Britain will take on the United States of America." "Come on, come on." "DAVE:" "Cheat!" "Sure throwing him in is the best way to get him to learn how to swim?" " Absolutely." " Okay." "(SCREAMING)" "On second thought, it might just be for kids." " I can't touch the bottom." " Yeah, that's right." "Throw a baby in, it floats." "Instinctively, naturally. lt's a beautiful thing." " ANGUS:" "Come on." " I think if you throw in an adult," " doesn't work that way." " Goodbye." "Deprivation." " FELICITY:" "Yes." " Yeah." "DAVE:" "Let's do it." "Your highness, s'il vous plait" "COUNT:" "Yes." "Okay." "I've got you limeys beat." "I have never had a sexual dream featuring a member of the Royal Family." "Raise your hand if you have been as equally deprived." " Princess Margaret." " Princess Margaret." "Yes!" "The full six puntos." " Good." "Full house." " Felicity." "I have never had sex with a man." " DAVE:" "Risky one." " I didn't think that was the road to go down." "Damn it." "Okay, it was at school, obviously." "Who hasn't?" " Me." " DAVE:" "All of us." "Besides you guys, okay. lt was just once." "And his name was Jackman." " Course his name was Jackman." " ANGUS:" "Yeah." "You can laugh." "But actually, he was something of a god." " You know, I bet he was." " ANGUS:" "ln the Upper Fifth." " In the Upper Fifth?" " Yes." " He was a bit of a god in the Upper Fifth?" " Yes." "FELICITY:" "Okay." "COUNT:" "Jackman." " I was curious." " Sadly, it means you only get one point." " One point." " DAVE:" "One point for Felicity." " ALL:" "Well done." " Well done." "DAVE:" "Look at his doe-eyedness." "Okay." "Mr. Gavin Kavanagh." "Right, bit of a strange one this." "I've never been on a date with a girl..." "Wait, wait." "And, after sex, thought she wouldn't notice if I let go a little bit of wind." "Did so, and realized it wasn't wind..." "It was diarrhea." "So I've never been in bed with a girl of my dreams with poo all over the sheets behind me." " No." " Raise your hands" " anyone who has not done that." " No way." "David!" "You bastard, man!" " I didn't tell anyone." " You did that?" " Yeah." " What did you do?" "Well, I told her that my wife would be home in five minutes, so she left." "So you got away with it." "It's a gray area, really." "Tell them." "The problem being that my wife then came home and..." "I got into quite a lot of trouble for pooing in the bed." "At 4:00 in the afternoon." "(ALL LAUGHING)" "DAVE:" "Pooper!" "ANNOUNCER ON RADIO:" "Gorgeous Gavin." "Yes." "That was beautiful." "We're back on "pubic" air." "Radio Rock, 203 meters on the medium waveband." "And whatever you do, don't tell Dr. Dave I told you the infamous poo story." "ANNOUNCER ON RADIO:" "Radio Rock!" "It's Gavin here, and what a year it's been." "Government plans to undermine us have failed spectacularly." "In fact, a recent poll says that at an election, 93% of British people would vote for the pirates rather than the government." "This is why." "(MY GENERATION PLAYING)" "I'm very sorry, sir." "Don't worry, Twatt." "We may lose the public relations battle, but we will win the war." "We shall proceed, but just not tell anyone." "Executions are best done behind closed doors." "Now shut that filth off!" "(LITTLE SAINT NICK PLAYING)" "You're with me, Angus "The Nut" Nutsford." "It's Christmas time." "Carl." "I just got a message from shore, and your mother is dropping by to pay us a visit for Christmas." "You're kidding?" "When does she arrive?" "Tomorrow." "She was always very impromptu." " Was she?" " Yeah." "Anyway, I thought you might like to know, in case you want to brush your hair or hide the large stack of pornography you keep on that shelf." "ANNOUNCER ON RADIO:" "Merry Christmas from Radio Rock." " I hear your mum's coming onboard?" " Yeah." "Yeah, send her my best." " Tell her Muddy Waters rocks." " Okay." "(IMITATING ROCK MUSIC)" " She'll know what I mean." " Yep." " Okay." " Okay." "(ALL CHEERING)" "Ahoy!" "Christ, what a dump." " I hoped you'd like it." " I love it." "Hey, right on, brother." "That's some hot mummy you got there." "You got one for me?" " Good luck, my friend." " Thanks." "Mum," "I hate to be abrupt." "Can I ask you a very serious question?" "It's moving." "Yes, no, I'm listening." "Is Quentin" "my father?" "I beg your pardon?" "You heard me." "Is Quentin my dad?" "(LAUGHS)" "No." "No." "He isn't." " No?" " No." "Cool." "It was just..." "I was just thinking how great it would be to have a father." "I'd really like one of those." "How long are you here for?" "Only Boxing Day." "Leaving in the morning." "Now this is very good cognac." "Yeah, it is 10: 15." "Perfect." "(ALL EXCLAIMING)" "ANGUS:" "Turkey time." "ALL:" "Hey!" "Ho, ho, ho!" "Fucking Ho!" " Who's been naughty?" " ALL:" "Me!" " Here we go." " I'd like to raise a glass" " to carl's mother." " Yeah." "Wonderful Charlotte, it was..." "A shag well shagged" " the night you made this little fella." " FELICITY:" "Definitely, definitely." "I couldn't have put it better myself." "Now, when he came aboard, I'm sure it's all agreed that we thought he was a bit of a posh tosser." "COUNT:" "I didn't like him." "KEVIN:" "He seemed unpleasant." " ANGUS:" "Me neither." " You know what?" "He is now one of us." "ANGUS:" "Yes, he is!" "We would like him to stay forever." "And just to finish off, Kev." "Bless you, rabbits are Easter, not Christmas." "That's why they call it the Easter Bunny." "Right." " I am seriously thick, aren't I?" " ALL:" "You are." " Thick Kevin!" " FELICITY:" "To Thick Kevin!" "DAVE:" "You're the thickest!" " JOHN:" "All right, jokes." " Jokes, jokes, jokes!" "What is the largest living mammal on Earth?" " I don't know." " What is the largest living mammal on Earth?" "The blue whale!" "Weighing over 150 tons." "These are facts." "These are the fact ones." "They're not jokes." "Darling," "I think you might have a joke." "Yes, yes, yes, yes." "Yes, it's funny." "Would you like a mince pie?" "Yes, I would." "Thank you." "Shall we have another go at the thing?" " Cracker, sir?" " Yes, the cracker thing." "Right." "(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)" "Well, that's quite enough excitement for one day." "Well, goodbye, Mum." "By the way, our late-night DJ Bob sent you a message, which is" ""Muddy Waters rocks."" " Oh, my God." "He didn't tell you, did he?" " What?" " What?" " What do you mean, "What"?" "What do you mean, "Oh, my God, he didn't tell you."" " Nothing, darling." " No, Mum, it's not nothing." "Mum." " Really?" " What?" " Please tell me you didn't sleep with him?" " Of course I slept with him." "Everybody slept with him." "He was absolutely gorgeous in those days." "Hold on a second." "Are we talking about the same Bob?" "This is the late-night DJ here?" "The beast with the beard?" "Well, he was indeed a beast." "But at that time," " as far as I can recall, he was clean-shaven." " When?" " When did you sleep with Bob?" " For heaven's sake, will you stop badgering me?" "I don't know when." "How old are you?" "Eighteen-and-a-half." "Well, then it must have been 19-and-a-quarter years ago, then." "Give or take." "Anyway, I better go." "That poor man's been waiting forever." "I'm so glad we got that off our chest and out of the way, aren't you?" "Bye-bye, darling." "And tell Mark, you know, that it was a lovely, lovely night." "No!" "(YOU DON'T HAVE TO SAY YOU LOVE ME PLAYING)" "Bob." " Dude?" " Great show." "I think I've got some pretty big news for you." "Cool." "I'm in a pretty loose mood, think I can handle it." "I think..." "I think..." "I'm pretty sure that you are, as it were, technically speaking," "my dad." "You're the man I've been missing and waiting for and..." "Searching for all my life." "(CHUCKLING)" "Cool." "(CHUCKLES)" "That's it?" "That's your reaction?" "Just give me a minute." "Dusty Springfield there on the Dawn Treader, with quite possibly the finest white soul voice in the world." "And this is a young man who's really quite good at playing the guitar." "(THE WIND CRIES MARY PLAYING)" "Jimi." "So..." "Morning, hepcats." "Hey." "Hi." "What's new?" "Nothing." "Yes." "Yes." "Yes, yes, yes." "And yes." " Good evening, sir." " Hello." "Just sign it, sir." "And in three days, our heroic disc jockeys become dangerous criminals." "Well done, Twatt." "That is my kind of Christmas present." "Thank you, sir." "Right." "Pirate radio abolished." "A show of hands." "Good, moving on." "Now, we have to make up our minds on..." "JOHN ON RADIO:" "In the House of Commons today, the new Marine Oftenses Act was passed unanimously." "Prom midnight on New Year's Eve, all pirate radio stations, including, of course, Radio Rock, will be breaking the law." "Everyone who works on them, and indeed everyone who listens to them, will be in contravention of the new law and risk prison sentences, both short and long." "Carl." "You okay?" "Yeah, just..." "You know, a few months ago, I made a terrible mistake." " Really?" " Yeah." "But I realized something." "And instead of crushing the thought the moment it came I..." "I let it hang on and..." "Now I know it to be true." "And I'm afraid it's stuck in my head forever." "What was the thought?" "That these are the best days of our lives." "It's a terrible thing to know, but I know it." "I don't know about that." "(CHUCKLES) Well, yeah." "Yeah." "Maybe you'll be lucky." "Maybe you'll have better days, but I doubt it." "We stood on top of the mountain, compadre." "It's a long way do-be-do-be down." "QUENTIN:" "The day has come." "Tonight, pirate radio dies." "From midnight, we are a ghost ship floating without hope on cold and dark waters." "You have done almighty work here." "Thank you." "But your work is done." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "Not mine, sir." "I'm an American citizen, and I don't give a hootenanny God damn about your nitpicking limey laws." "I intend to broadcast from this ship 24 hours a day until the day I die." "And then for a couple days after that." "Not wanting to sound rude or anything, but don't you think that might be an ever so slightly monotonous experience for the listener?" "What do you say to 12 hours each, noble sir?" "The way I look at it, the world couldn't survive without my comedy, and who's going to have the moral backbone to play the Seekers when the mood is right?" "They've split up." "I intend to celebrate the back catalog." "I intend to stop you doing so." "As some of you know, my wife left me after 17 hours of marriage, but I survived that because I live for music." "And now, with nothing else to live for, I'm willing to die for it as well." "I've always lived for news and weather." "Happy to die for them, too." "Especially the weather." "I've got nowhere else to go." "I have somewhere else to go, but it's Peckham." "(ALL LAUGHING)" "So I think I'll stick around." "Can't let everyone starve." "And I'm slightly worried where my increasingly powerful sexuality will take me when I return to normal life." "I've got a very strong suspicion that Felicity fancies me." "Not about to go anywhere, just when I'm in with a chance." "Obviously, I'm in." "You're the only people in the world who like me." "Thank you, gentlemen, lady." "Strange bearded thing." "But make no mistake, they will come after us." "Let them try." "COUNT:" "So, faithful followers, the end is nigh." "We bid you farewell with dignity and pride." "We thought we'd never die." "But, well, we can't fight city hall." "And so, take care, be good." "Listen to the music." "It's a good thing to do." "It's the Count, counting down and out for the count at last." "Three, two, one..." "And the rest is silence." " Thank you, darling." "Thank you, darling." " Sure." " Well done, Twatt." " Thank you, sir." " The Queen." " Her Majesty's government." "The Queen." "Only kidding, dudes." "Let's rock!" "(ALL CHEERING)" "(LET'S SPEND THE NIGHT TOGETHER PLAYING)" "Arse!" "Arse!" "What arse!" "Give me that." "(ALL SINGING)" " It's a boat." " What the fuck are you doing here?" "CAPTAIN:" "She asked to see someone called Carl." "Who asked?" "She did." "(LAUGHS)" "It's her." "And her!" "You want to come onboard?" "You know, you're risking going to prison by being here." "Yes, for fun!" "This is my friend Margaret." "She came to keep me company." " Hi." " Hey." "This is my friend, the Count." "Well, hello, Margaret." "Do you think you could ever love a man with a funky Fu Manchu?" "No, I don't." " I could shave it." " Still no." "I haven't had sex in three months." "Oh, my God!" "I'm so sorry." "Actually it's only been a month." "The last time was by myself." "MARGARET:" "Tough." "COUNT:" "By the hammock." "I'm very sorry about what I did that night." "No, no, it's fine." "I mean, obviously, who would wanna sleep with me?" "Well, let's see, shall we?" "Well, we could, you know, play Scrabble," " if you fancy it." " I hate Scrabble." "Me, too." "Absolutely loathe it." "Hate it." "Cluedo, on the other hand, is... (BED CREAKING)" "Kevin, out." "Lovely to see you again, Marianne." "MARIANNE:" "I guess if I just..." "CARL:" "Sorry." "MARIANNE:" "No, it's fine." "Maybe if we just lie like this." "Would you like a cup of tea?" "Yes, now that would be..." "Lovely." "Cool." "Lovely." "Would you like a cup of tea?" "A cup of tea would be lovely." "(ALL CHEERING)" "COUNT:" "And yes, ladies and gentlemen of Great Britain," "Carl has emerged from the Chamber of Love." "Carl, say hello to the 20 million people who have been waiting with bated breath to hear the news, whether or not you have indeed misplaced your crucial cherry tonight." "You guys..." "I think that's a yes!" "ls that a yes?" "Remember, the reply, "l don't wanna answer that question" means yes." "I'm certainly not gonna answer that question..." "Houston, we have lift-off." "Bravo!" "Yes, newsflash." "A nice young man has lost his virginity in the North Sea." "More soon on that breaking story." " Morning, madam." " Morning." " Good morning." " Good morning, madam." "COUNT:" "Ladies and gentlemen, if you could see what I see now." "There'll be dancing in the street all over the United Kingdom tonight." "(DANCING IN THE STREET PLAYING)" "Rock 'n' roll!" "Carl, well done!" "ALL:" "Bye." "KEVIN:" "You'll be missed." "(DOOR OPENING)" "Here he is." "All right, we had a good night." "But that thing you see shining through the window is the cold light of dawn." "And I don't want you all to imagine that they won't be coming after us with the full force of the law to crush our testicles like grapes." "But don't despair completely, because I'm glad to tell you," "I've come up with quite a clever little plan." " Legend." " QUENTIN:" "All hands on deck." " COUNT:" "Our leader." " I just hope it works." "SIMON:" "Of course it'll work." " Good night, Miss C." " Good night, sir." "D" " Day for Radio Rock at last." "Indeed, sir." "That's D for deaf." "Since they're not ready to go willingly," "I'm afraid "very nasty" is our only option." "MAN:" "Get out!" "(ALL CLAMORING)" "MAN 1:" "Move!" "Get at them!" "Deck's clear!" " Found anything?" " Yes, sir." "What?" "What have you found?" " Well, fish, sir." " I beg your pardon?" "Mainly fish." "Can I help you, Officer?" "You certainly can, yes." " What the hell are you doing here?" " Fishing, sir." "I mean, what are you doing here?" "Here, where the Radio Rock ship always is and always has been anchored." "Can't say it rings a bell, sir." "What kind of boat is she?" "Lobster, cod, tuna?" "Shut the fuck up!" "This is obviously a trick and she's scarpered." "Now don't you get cocky, Captain Bird's Eye." "We are going to find these bastards, and when we do, we are going to smash them!" "Everybody out!" "We've got the wrong damn boat!" "We should have set sail years ago." "You're a very clever man." "This is a very good plan." "(CRASHING)" "What the fuck was that?" "Pardon my French, ladies and gentlemen." "We've got a small hiccup onboard Radio Rock." "I now return you to The Small Faces." "(ALARM BLARING)" "(ALL CLAMORING)" "KEVIN:" "It did look a bit unusual, but I'm sure that..." "Gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news." "Which would you prefer?" " The good news." " Let's have a bit of good news." "Good news." " Good news." " Okay." "The good news is the engine has exploded and we're all going to die." " FELICITY:" "Right." " Perfect." " Is he joking?" " DAVE:" "Hello." "Dr. Dave, Radio Rock." "How is that good news?" "I haven't yet told you how we're going to die." "That's the bad news." "How are we gonna die?" "We're going to drown in the freezing waters of the North Sea." " Shit." " Dearie me." "There is a huge hole in the side of the boat and in an unfortunate development, it transpires that the lifeboats are useless." "Actually, that's quite good for you, isn't it?" "'Cause you can't swim, so you'll die quicker." " Sorry." " FELICITY:" "Dear." "(CRASHING)" "(ALL SCREAMING)" "All right." "All right." "All right." "All right." "I'm going to the studio." "Harold, John, up here now." " HAROLD:" "Yeah, we're coming." " This isn't going to happen." "ANNOUNCER ON RADIO:" "A Radio Rock newsflash with John Mayford." "JOHN:" "News coming in that the famous Radio Rock has a large hole in its side and is therefore sinking into the North Sea." "Really quite fast." "So, a tiny crisis here." "(CRASHING)" "So, if any of you out there knows anyone in Suffolk with a boat of any shape or form, give them a ring." "Our coordinates are 53-70 north..." "Sorry." "250 east." "Here's a rather long record." "(A WHITER SHADE OF PALE PLAYING)" "I hope I'm here at the end of it." "Don't worry." "The government won't actually let us die." "They'll have to send out boats." "They've heard every swearword we've ever spoken." "They'll have to pick up a Mayday." "Nevertheless, we should move." "Come on." "I'm not sure we're in the right place at the right time." "(YELLS)" "You all right?" "You're going the wrong way, mate." "I'm really scared." "Isn't anyone else really scared?" "A bit." "Up you go." "(ANGUS WHIMPERS)" "Foreigners." "No backbone." "(PHONE RINGING)" "Yes?" "TWATT:" "I'm sorry to have to disturb you this late, sir." "What's your want, for heaven's sake?" "It really is getting quite serious now, sir." "I'm asking permission to send our boats back to pick them up." "Absolutely not." "I absolutely could not justity the extra expenditure when there are so many other problems we need money for as a government both home and abroad." "They might die, sir." "Happens to the best of us, Twatt." "Happens to the very best of us." "Nighty-night." " Whoa, there, are you okay?" " QUENTIN:" "Simon, have you got a..." " Okay." " Mark, well done." "Come in." "And in those trousers." "Not bad." "Thank you, John." "So, we'll be safe here for a while." "The captain thinks we've got till dawn before we go the full Titanic." "We've sent out an official distress call." "And I'm sure someone will rescue us soon." "(ALL SCREAMING)" "Really?" "Really?" "Yeah?" " GAVIN:" "We're all right." " Really." "GAVIN:" "We're all right." "ANGUS:" "Can I just say something, then?" "I know I'm not the most popular guy on the boat." "On the radio I'm fine." "In the flesh it's something that people just don't warm to." "I know." "But I just wanna say, the three years here," "I've been closer to finding friendship than I've ever been in my life." "And I'd rather have had that and die than not have had it and lived." "I think." "Maybe not." "No, actually." " Come on." " I just..." "You're being ridiculous." " Well, I'm not popular." " Look, this isn't..." "No, that's..." "Every group needs a fall guy, and yeah, sure, you've been it." "But it's not..." "It's just been a joke." "You know?" "I mean, lookit, everybody who actually loves this nut, huh?" "And is proud as can be to count him in the number of their friends, just raise their hands." "ANGUS:" "See?" "Okay?" "SIMON:" "There we go." "David?" "Be honest." "ANGUS:" "What?" "Okay." "(LAUGHING)" "CARL:" "Where's Bob?" " Get the..." " SIMON:" "I'm lying." "Wait a minute." "Where's Bob?" " He fell on ice." " Guys, Bob!" "Where's my dad?" "We'll wait another minute." "So who's broadcasting?" "JOHN:" "No one." "203 meters on the medium waveband is silent for the first time." "Well, excuse my language, but fuck that sideways, sir." "Harold, after you." "Bob!" " Dad?" " BOB:" "Easy." "Easy." "Just listening to a new track by the Grateful Dead." "I'm gonna have to stop it." "Hey, don't do that." "Don't do that." "That's a bit of a space invasion, man." "Well, the thing is, Bob, the boat is actually sinking, and if you listen to the end of this track, you will die." "Let's go." "CARL:" "Mind the hole." "Oh, no." " Thanks, man." " You're welcome." " DAVE:" "Here." "Come to me." " What are you doing?" "I'm feeling guilty about sleeping with your girlfriend twice in a night." " Three times if you count a..." "Hey, Bob." " Hey." " Dear." "That is not a good record." " What?" "I think it's time we got the fuck out of here." "Come on." "To all our listeners, this is what I have to say." "God bless you all." "And as for you bastards in charge, don't dream it's over." "Years will come, years will go, and politicians will do fuck all to make the world a better place." "But all over the world, young men and young women will always dream dreams and put those dreams into song." "Nothing important dies tonight." "Just a few ugly guys on a crappy ship." "The only sadness tonight is that, in future years, there'll be so many fantastic songs that it will not be our privilege to play." "But, believe you me, they will still be written." "They will still be sung and they will be the wonder of the world." "Hit it!" "(WOULDN'T IT BE NICE PLAYING)" "I think we better go." "Okay." "Do what you gotta do." "Chicken." "(LAUGHING)" "Go ahead, Harold." " QUENTIN:" "Come on up, Bob." "Well done." " Hello, Bob." "(RADIO GOES SILENT)" "(WHIMPERS)" "(WAVES CRASHING)" "Shit!" "I think we're actually going to die." "Why?" "I'll explain later." "So..." "Tell us, Mark, now at the very end." "What was your secret?" " How did you get all them girls?" " MARK:" "Simple." "Don't say anything at all." " Nothing?" " Nothing." "Then, when the tension becomes too much to bear, you finally, finally, you just say..." ""How about it, then?"" " "How about it, then?" - "How about it, then?"" ""How about it, then?" Works every time." "Fuck!" "ANGUS:" "How about it?" "Well, how about this?" "How about this situation here?" "Try and fuck your way out of this one, Mark!" "We're gonna die!" "GAVIN:" "Come on, Harold!" "We are gonna live forever!" " So this is where the party is." " FELICITY:" "Gavin!" " Dude, come on up." "Relax, enjoy yourself." " Good to see you, mate." " KEVIN:" "Come on." " Hold on." "And the Count." "Any sign of the Count?" "No." "It's not..." "It's not getting better." "(ALL SCREAMING)" "GAVIN:" "This is it!" "We are gonna die!" "Wait!" " What?" " A boat!" "ANGUS:" "How big?" "How big a bloody boat?" "It's not actually just one boat." " QUENTIN:" "Two boats." " Three boats." "SIMON:" "It's ever so slightly more than three boats." "FELICITY:" "How many boats?" "I think the technical term is a fuckload of boats." "(ALL CHEERING)" "MAN:" "There's more!" "(HORN BLOWING)" "SIMON:" "They're everywhere!" "Mark!" "Get in the boat!" " Hang on." " FELICITY:" "Gavin!" "Let's go!" "Let's go!" "FELICITY:" "Gavin!" "One, two, three..." "ANGUS:" "All right, there must be another way!" "One, two, three..." " MARK:" "Angus..." " I don't want to go!" " Follow me." " It's water, I can't..." " You just jump!" " No!" "WOMAN 1:" "Angus!" "Mark!" "There he is!" "There he is!" "WOMAN 1:" "Angus!" "ANGUS:" "Help me!" "Over here!" "Grab it!" "(ALL CHEERING)" "MAN:" "Bob!" "Bob, over here!" "Come here!" "WOMAN 2:" "Keep swimming!" " Bob!" " Bob!" " Give me your hand." " Thank you." "Thanks very much, very good of you." "(ALL CHEERING)" "Give me your hand." " We've got him!" " Thank you." "Let me look at you." "You're gorgeous." " Angus!" " Yes!" "I'm alive!" "WOMAN 3:" "Simon!" "Come over and we'll have a warm bath!" "Margaret!" "Keep swimming, you're doing really well!" " MARIANNE:" "Carl!" " Marianne!" "Carl!" "It's lovely to meet you." "Thank you." "I don't know what I would have done if anything would've happened to you!" "I listen to your show every single morning." " Who are you?" " I love you." "My name is on your boobies." "Oh, my God!" "Calm down." "There's plenty of Dr. Dave to go around." "Yeah!" "My man!" "(ALL EXCLAIMING)" "MAN:" "Yeah, man!" "Rock 'n' roll!" "That's rock 'n' roll, baby!" "Rock 'n' roll!" "(LET'S DANCE PLAYING)" "8:00 till 11:00, Gavin Kavanagh, and it says here, "Coolest man on the planet."" "And that is, strangely, in his own handwriting." "Some people say that they don't bother listening to it." " JOHN:" "Who says that?" " Well, Dave said that he didn't really like it." "And he did that." " Yeah." " Actually, from out there they glint and make you look sort of satanic." " See you later, John." " Okay." "So, Dr. Arthur Sea Measure." "That's an interesting name." "Do you mind if I just call you Doctor For Short?" "(IN CHARACTER'S VOICE) Yes, that's fine." "Good." "So, Doctor For Short, tell us, oceanographer..." "Dr. Dave." "Not quite so nutty, but good for your medical requirements." "(EXCLAIMS)" "It does not surprise me that you are single." "Yesterday's anti-war demonstrations in Bolton..." " Today will be mainly wet." "Hey..." " I'm trying not to..." " I didn't mean what I said." " You didn't?" "No, I think you're a good guy and you're a good egg, you know?" "Thanks." "What a prick." "It's a shame you're a lezzer." "I would be nuts deep." "I'm gonna talk into the microphone of love." "And that was Spirit from their first album entitled, not surprisingly, Spirit." "He's doing it." "He's doing it!" "You can't see this, but he has just clicked on this record with the right boot of his Cuban heel." "Very nice." "That's how you do it, isn't it?" "(BLOWING WHISTLE)" "Cheers, H. What's next?"