"[Once upon a time there was a town called Brescello. ]" "[We are telling you this story again, always the same and yet different... ] [... because the priest Don Camillo and the mayor Peppone... ] [... are always different yet always the same... ] [... the proud leaders of the two opposing factions. ]" "[Brescello, seen from the Right, is Don Camillo's town. ]" "[Seen from the Left, it's Peppone's town. ]" "[Seen from above, it's a town where the adversaries fight hard... ] [... but never become enemies... ] [... and the voice of conscience always has the last word. ]" "[Do you remember the years after the war?" "]" "[Then Don Camillo was always on the attack... ] [... and Peppone a mayor who behaved like a bulldozer. ]" "Those slimy black reptiles in cassocks who, under the protection of the cross  try to poison..." " Jesus, did you hear that?" "Why don't you strike them with lightning?" "If you strike someone with lightning to make them realize their errors  why did I bother dying on the cross?" "Very well!" "Are we supposed to wait until they crucify us?" "Or rather, till they kill us with a nice burst of machine-gun fire?" "Here, in broad daylight  provided he's not too frightened." "Stop!" "It's none of your business." "You can only do what you want in here." " In here?" " Of course." "This is your home." "Unless the reverend priest  has his ears lined with dollars!" "And remember that those who are now trying to deceive the people  are the same ones who sold Jesus!" "[At the time in which this new story starts... ] [... the fight between the two sides was still going on. ]" "[But the style was very different. ]" " BUY AUTHENTIC, UNSOPHISTICATED PRODUCTS FROM THE U. S. S. R. " "[Peppone had won yet again. ]" "[However, once he had updated his wardrobe... ] [... and his vocabulary... ] [... he was trying to implement the proletarian revolution... ] [... by marching around wearing a double-breasted jacket and a Homburg. ]" "[Don Camillo was not able to disguise himself... ] [... but, despite still wearing the same old cassock... ] [... tried to adapt himself to the new rules of the game. ]" "Citizens of Brescello, I am not here to chant victory." "In fact, it is not the Communist Party that has won, but democracy." "Is it not perhaps the most stunning victory for democracy  when the workers' party obtains 97% of the vote, as it did here?" "Er, I said 79%..." "That is, to be precise seven-seventy... 78. 3% of the votes." "But we are not here to talk about boring figures  but to make two important announcements  which will infuriate the black crows who nest  in the bell..." "in the fields." "Now, citizens  thanks to efforts by the leader of the Soviet Union, Khrushchev  the inaugurators of a Russian kolkhoz  have offered the workers of our agricultural cooperative  a magnificent gift." "I'll tell you what it is in a minute." "The second announcement will be even more popular  but, before I announce it, let's finish the first piece of news  moving on from words to facts." "Bring it on boys!" "Long live the agricultural cooperative!" "Long live the people!" "There's no contact." "Is it making contact?" "There's no contact." "What do you mean there's no contact?" "Can't you see the dashboard's lit up?" "You try." "Press the accelerator!" "There." "That's fixed." "That tractor was built for a cold climate  it's too warm here." "Oh, don't talk nonsense, come off it!" "That's enough, let's take it away." "We can't work here, it's too chaotic." "Take it to my garage." "Off you go!" "[Peppone was a brilliant mechanic. ]" "[Never had an engine entrusted to his care... ] [... refused to collaborate. ]" "[But this time... ] [... despite having spent three nights dismantling and assembling it... ] [..." "Peppone had not succeeded in persuading the Russian tractor... ] [... to start. ]" "Damn..." " Is that who's dying?" " No, he's in better shape than we are." " Well who is dying here then?" " Nobody." "Pity." "Well who was the idiot who phoned me?" " Me." " You?" " Yes." "Because if this crate doesn't start..." "You're the mechanic, I'm a curate." "I know you are, so bless it!" " Bless this contraption?" " Yes." " Me?" " Yes." " Why?" "Because its engine must contain all the curses of creation." "I wouldn't bless a Soviet tractor  even if it were dying." "Now I'll try starting it again, but first, bless it, please." "Or bless the floor, the door  you can bless me if you like, may the ground open up and swallow me  but bless something, or I'll have a heart attack." "It's going boss!" "It's go..." "Come on, climb in!" "Off you go!" "Drive around the town, and wake them all up!" "Yes!" "They've been laughing for days because it won't start!" "Accelerate!" "[Don Camillo should have known that... ] [... once the favor had been granted, the saint would be neglected. ]" "[Once Peppone had restored public credibility in... ] [... in the splendid gift from the comrades of that Russian town... ] [... he made his second important announcement. ]" "Lord, this is too much!" "Wretch!" "Hypocrite!" "That's what he was plotting." "He wants to twin Brescello with a Russian town!" "What does he intend to do, Don Camillo?" "It would be a sort of..." "I'll explain later, Lord." "Now I must run." "They'll succeed over my dead body!" "This marvelous  throbbing, powerful work-tool  which is the tractor given to us workers of Brescello  by our friends the comrade workers of Bresk..." " Breskevesk." " Eh?" " Broskevi..." "Broskevosk." "Why, what did I say?" "Well, anyway, a Russian town on the Don." "And what better way to honor this marvelous gift  than by the moving idea of twinning our two towns and..." "But if this idea is not popular, the Opposition must tell us." "Tell us, Attorney Benelli." "I hand over to the Opposition." "Councilor Attorney Benelli  could object to the fact that you, Mr. Mayor  are taking matters into your hands on behalf of all the citizens  over something that does not concern the council  only morale and common sense." "Attorney Benelli could also put this dilemma to you:" "... if you were in his shoes  and Generalissimo Franco gave us  a bull trained for the corrida  or a batch of castanets  and we demanded to twin our town with Madrid  what would you do?" "In that case we would laugh our heads off." "But we are not laughing at all, we're wetting our pants!" "A political burst of laughter must have some sense  otherwise it's only a lot of silly noise about nothing!" "You may only propose this twinning agreement, but then we need  a democratic referendum  then the people may decide whether or not to be twinned  with a nest full of Red vipers!" "Silence!" "That's enough!" "The Opposition's proposal has been accepted!" "Those of you with a good memory know that we are not afraid of referenda!" "Signatures will be collected in compliance with the law." " We'll see who wins!" " Does the Opposition have anything else to say?" "Are you asking me?" "Ask the councilor!" "What have I got to do with politics?" "Well?" "I have finished." "The session is over." "Well done Benelli!" "Brilliant speech." "You look a little down in the dumps, Don Camillo." "How come?" "After all, your ideas won this evening." "I may have won a battle, but not the war." "With the majority they received at the elections  I don't see how or why they should lose the referendum." "If only something could overturn public opinion  and change people's ideas and consciences." "Lord, in this case, why don't you lend me a hand?" "I won't get mixed up in twinning." "I regard you all as brothers already." "I know, Lord, but I would be grateful for even one little suggestion." "Sir!" "Who goes there?" "Who are you?" "What do you want?" "We want to ask if it's possible to stay here tonight." "But this isn't a hotel!" "It's a church!" "If not possible here, other place." "Stable, barn." "We not possible go to hotel." " No have money." " That not reason." "I Sonia, he Sacha and ten other comrades come Italy." "Then we escape." "You help we." "We not want return Soviet Union." " To the Soviet Union?" " Yes." "So you belong to that team of technical experts  which is here for research?" " Yes." "That's who they are, Lord." "Did you see Thursday's newspaper?" "Oh, pardon me." " Very well, you can stay here." " Thank you, sir." "No, no." "The only one of any importance here is up there on the cross." " Are you hungry?" " Very hungry." "Well, that's no problem." "If anything the problem is where to let you sleep." "A small bed is fine." " Are you married?" " He yes." "Me no." "Well that's no good." "Here you both have to be married and to each other  to sleep together in a small bed." "He not speak Italian." "He say men and women all equal." "Equal up to a point." "In fact men usually marry women and women usually marry men." "Come on, this way." "In there." "Brilliant idea!" "Thank you, Jesus." "Don't thank me." "It wasn't my idea." "Well, are you enjoying that, my children?" "And that's just a little snack." "I promise you dinners worthy of the Arabian Nights." "Hey!" "Tuck in, yum yum yum!" "But we mustn't be so taciturn!" "Here, when we're at table, we speak, we discuss things, we tell stories." "[By now Don Camillo had formulated a plan. ]" "[He didn't waste any time. ]" "[Seizing the phone he woke up... ] [... the most stalwart members of his faction. ]" "[He summoned them that very night for a top-level conference. ]" "[Having informed them of his important discovery... ] [... he gave the orders that would set in motion... ] [... the plan to exploit his secret anti-twinning weapon... ] [... for the purposes of propaganda. ]" "So, officially  they must be welcomed on the farms as two French technical experts  who are visiting the region for research." "Is that clear?" "They could visit three farms a day." "A sharecropper for breakfast  a tenant for lunch and a land-owner for dinner." "[The action began on a sweet note... ] [... in Cavalier Benelli's famous biscuit factory. ]" "[Spiced Xmas cake, gingerbread, aniseed biscuits, millefeuilles... ] [... assorted sweets, chocolates... ]" "In Stalingrad I ate roast mice." "And bats." "A great luxury, bats." "They cost twenty rubles each." "[Then they began to have lunches at homes of farmer-laborers and tenants. ]" "[Ham from Langhirano, ravioli in broth, turkey, guinea-fowl... ] [... mixed boiled meats, Grana cheese, assorted cakes, Lambrusco wine... ] [... sour cherries in grappa... ] Terrible executions." "Nazis were amateurs compared to the Russians." "Look at him!" "They ripped his nails out!" "Because I danced the twist  they cut off two of my toes:" "Zap!" "[These working lunches began to have practical results. ]" "Is it true that two families live in one room?" "Where I live there we are 18." "Impossible all sleep." "We take turns every two hours." "Six sleep, others outside on stairs." "Poor people!" "We conquer space." "Yes, but what price do Russian mothers pay?" "They choose strongest kids and train them as astronauts." "When kids only eight years old they put on horses on merry-go-round." "Oh, that's nice!" "Yes, but it turns at 4, 000 kilometers an hour." "Many little hearts not survive." "Bang!" "Explode!" " Boss!" " Eh?" " Boss!" " Oh, the first round of signatures." " Yes, but they're not signing." " Why aren't they signing?" " They don't want to be twinned with Russia." "What do you mean they don't want to be twinned?" "What are you saying?" "Look here." "All morning we've only got 50 signatures out of 300  including my mother and my wife  otherwise I told them they'd get it from me." " What about Bigio?" " The same again." "But he hasn't even got his wife's signature." "She beat him up." " Look." " Why aren't they signing?" "For Pete's sake!" "What are they saying?" "Nothing." "They just slam the door in my face." "Boss, there's something mysterious about all this." "[But it remained mysterious because although the tales of the fugitives... ] [... had aroused horror and indignation... ] [... their human situation had moved everyone... ] [... and no-one had the heart to report them. ]" "[Peppone was despairing... ] [... and, in the end, someone took pity on him too. ]" "I know why they're not signing." "But first swear to me you won't lay a finger on anyone." "Swear it!" "Yes, I swear it!" "One moment!" "I'm coming." "Oh!" "Mr. Mayor!" "I'm sorry if I kept you waiting, but I was just going to bed." "I thought it was the man collecting signatures for the referendum." "Don't tell me you went to the trouble of coming personally." " Where are they?" " Who?" " Where are they?" " But who?" " The two Russians." " There are no Russians here." " There might be a French couple." " French indeed!" "I know everything!" "Where are you hiding them?" "In what capacity do you wish to know?" "As mayor, as a comrade  or as a comrade mayor who has been tricked?" "As a public official whose job it is to ensure that the law is respected." "You are harboring two foreigners without passports." "It's a crime!" "Hand them over, there's a good fellow or I'll create a scandal!" "I'll do no such thing." "But out of sheer curiosity  what do you intend to do with them?" "Take them to the Russian Embassy!" "Return them to their rightful owners!" "Each human being has only one owner:" "Himself!" "But..." "Sonia!" "Sacha!" "Come out!" "They will decide what they want to do." " This suspicious individual..." " We hear everything." "What did they say?" "Rather than go back to that hell in Russia, he... bang!" " Da!" " Me too." "You should be ashamed of yourselves." "Russia isn't hell!" "I mean, it's your great fatherland!" "You should feel proud to belong to that beacon  of civilization which lights the way, which guides the world, which..." "Eh?" "Nothing." "Mr. Mayor, here you are in a priest's house  and on land belonging to the Church political propaganda is not permitted!" "You have exploited these two for your own political propaganda!" "Oh, that's why you're so angry!" "And now you want to take it out on these poor innocent youngsters!" "You mean on these evil, turncoat traitors!" "Mission accomplished, Mr. Mayor." "That's the way out." "Excellent!" "Now I'm going to report you to the police  and farewell to everybody!" " Excellent idea!" " Congratulations, Mr. Mayor." " Thank you." "Now you must ask for asylum as political refugees  and we'll see who will benefit most from this scandal." "In fact, don't bother." "I'm going to report myself right now!" "No!" "No!" "Not that!" "Please, it's not possible!" "Why?" "It's the best thing to do." "You don't risk anything that way." "No!" "You say right before." "This way our escape cause too great scandal for Russia  and Russia seek revenge." "Our families hunger, deported, die!" "We not let them!" "Rubbish!" "The usual shameful slander!" "I don't believe it!" "You not know." "You not been in Russia, we yes." "Alright, we go back." "We dream these wonderful days  with many kind, dear people." "Our wonderful plans." "To go to Genoa to your important priest friend." "To work, to collect money for ticket..." "All gone." "Too wonderful." "Dream gone." "Never mind." "We go back there  to eat bats." "Better they take our nails than our family's." "We ask just one last favor, sir." "Tell me!" "Let us sleep last night free  in free country." "Swear on the Gospel that you will not let them escape." "I swear." "Just as well, because the house is surrounded by my men." "I've put pickets round the town." "They're everywhere." "So, now..." "I'll come..." "I'll come for them tomorrow morning at eight." "Dasvidanya." "Good-night  Comrade Berija!" "What did you tell him?" "That you swear tomorrow we taken back to the Russians." "Lord, after all, what is an oath?" "It's only a word." "And what is a word compared to the lives of two young creatures?" "I don't know if you know, but there's an underground tunnel  that starts under the crypt and comes out..." "Damnation, hurry up!" "Tell them to collect their belongings, let's go!" "Now?" "But weren't you supposed to come at 8 o'clock, comrade?" "Yes, the comrade was supposed to come at 8, but I'm here now." "And may I ask why?" "Because you have sworn not to let them escape but I haven't!" "I don't know if you know this but under the crypt  there's a tunnel that leads to the embankment." "Well, I'll be there waiting with the car!" "Thank you, Lord." "Wait!" " And where might you be taking them?" " To the train for Genoa, dammit!" "Isn't that where those two unfortunate souls wanted to go?" "And how will you explain things to your men tomorrow morning?" "I'll give them a lecture they won't forget." "I'll teach them to let people escape right under their noses  and to trust priests." " Tovarisc!" " Thank you, sir, thank you!" "Thank you for what!" "Don't thank me!" "And, in particular, don't you dare tell me  any more of your damned lies about Russia!" "I want to continue to believe in it!" "[Don Camillo thanked the good Lord... ] [... for having given him such an understanding adversary. ]" "[The next day, using a pretext he drove into town. ]" "[He certainly did not want... ] [... to be in town when Peppone announced... ] [... the result of the referendum and his downfall. ]" "[He got back in the afternoon, when he assumed everything would be over. ]" "My respects, Reverend." "Your signature's the only one missing, if you'd like to sign our petition." "If you can find anywhere to put your signature." " Because, as you can see..." " Eh?" "Attorney Benelli?" "And Rosa Carbone?" "Feel free to peruse, Reverend!" "Here's your verger's signature." "It's not possible, they must be fake." "The signatures are authentic, Reverend." "We only deal with the real McCoy, you know." "You?" "What do you mean?" "But perhaps the reverend hasn't heard the news!" "Perhaps you haven't seen today's newspaper yet?" " Here, look at this." " No, no!" "That's a party newspaper." "The reverend might not believe it." "Let's show him an independent newspaper, here we are." "As you can see, it would appear that you distort the truth." "Your Russian fugitives prove to be one Coretti Adolfo from Busto Arsizio  and Andreini Giuliana from Carate Brianza." "... disappointed and embittered." "But disappointed in your stupidity." "What?" "Just because those two Russians prove to be fakes  you want to leap into the arms of that dreadful country, Russia?" "Betrayed by my best friends  who have signed like a bunch of stupid blockheads." "And I would like to know who started the rumor that I briefed the couple." "If that person has the courage to say so to my face, they may do so!" "I give you my word, I'll smash his teeth in!" "Sorry, Lord." "That is why, my dear parishioners  your humble pastor has lost his appetite." "For three days he hasn't even eaten a piece of bread  and he's decided to go on fasting." "Because the only way left for him to protest against  the shameful sacrilege for which you are all responsible  is a hunger strike." "He must be joking!" "He could never go on hunger strike!" " Who's going to take him seriously?" " No-one, with that paunch!" "In the morning, do you know what?" "Instead of coffee, he devours a pan of minestrone for breakfast!" "If he keeps it up for four hours, it means he must be cheating!" "[On the contrary, Don Camillo was taking it very seriously. ]" "[He had called a notary to place official seals... ] [... on the doors of the larder, the wine-cellar and the fridge. ]" "Do you want to check, Mr. Mayor?" "No, I have more serious things to attend to." " Can I shut it?" " One moment." "Now you can shut it." "[He would not listen to anyone, not even his most trusted friends. ]" "[He was determined to fast for as long as it took... ] [... to prevent the ill-omened twinning plan from being realized. ]" "[He had placed his armchair in the middle of the dining-room... ] [... and took up permanent residence in it. ]" "[The town could check up on him through the open window... ] [... as if he were on permanent display in a shop-window 24 hours a day. ]" "[A living and dying reminder for the conscience of his parishioners. ]" "Hey!" "Shall we go and have a peek at fakir Burma?" "No don't, it'll give him too much pleasure!" " No, that's enough!" " Don't give him the satisfaction!" "Keep it up, Gandhi!" "Keep it up, you're on your own!" "[And Don Camillo did keep it up according to the rules. ]" "He was under medical supervision, like many of his famous predecessors... ] [... who had resorted to this kind of gut-oriented protest. ]" "[Every day, at noon... ] [... the verger pinned up the medical bulletin. ]" "Now then, blood pressure: 85-110." "It's gone down again." " His pulse is slower, too." " And what's his temperature today?" "35. 7." "Almost the same as yesterday." "Weight: 89. 2 kg." "Lord, I hear the noise of forks, twittering away like little birds!" "It's tough, Jesus." "But why am I telling you?" "You know better than I do  you've been through it." "You fasted for forty days in the desert." "But how did you do it?" "I..." "I'm only  on day four and already..." "Lord, did you also suffer from hallucinations?" "For example, did you see  yes, that door handle!" "It looks like a cannellone!" "A huge cannellone, a stuffed cannellone." "Why don't you answer?" "Why don't you talk to me any more?" "Perhaps it's me who can't hear you any more." "That must be it." "I'm too weak." "Don Camillo!" "Don Camillo!" "Don Camillo, can you hear me or are you already in hell?" "Not yet." "The doctor says that, with my constitution, I can  keep this up for another week." "So, if you were hoping to participate in a vigil prior to the funeral  come back in a week's time." " No." "I'm not moving from here  until I've persuaded you to stop all this tomfoolery!" "Don't you realize the whole town's laughing at you?" "But I do realize that even you have stopped  laughing." "Don Camillo, how long have we known each other?" " Oh!" "Far too long." " No, that's not true." "You can't ignore a friend  an old friend who, to tempt you back to life  is going to remind you of all the good times we had together." "The years of our youth!" "Do you remember how, during the war, we fought as partisans side by side  in the mountains, for freedom?" "And those ravioli we ate from Battiglia  soft, delicate, dripping with melted parmesan cheese?" "Do you remember them, eh?" "You ended up with grease all over your chin." "Wretch!" "And that chicken of Bergassi's cooked in a clay pot  according to poor departed Desolina's recipe!" "Get thee hence, Satan!" "Do you remember that wonderful smell when we smashed the clay pot open?" "Just thinking about it makes your mouth water!" "Doesn't it?" "No, it doesn't!" "Not even slightly!" "It does me." "In fact, while we're on the subject..." "You don't mind if I indulge, do you?" "I wonder what my wife's put in them?" "Let's see." "Oh good, two lovely roast sausages!" "And they're still warm!" "Yum, what a pity you..." " Just smell that!" " Murderer!" "Come now, let's not exaggerate!" "You're allowed to smell food." "Here!" "My wife rubs them with bay leaves..." " Get thee hence!" "... and, at the last mom..." "Get thee hence!" "And take your damned sausages with you!" "My blood pressure may be 55, my pulse may be only 32  but I've still got enough strength to kick you out  even if I die in the attempt!" "Thank God that you can't stand up  and die in whatever way you wish, you crazy old priest!" "Lord  what's happening to me?" "Am I about to die?" "I'm not afraid of dying, but..." "No, you're not about to die, Don Camillo." "You just feel a bit faint." "That's right, Lord." "In fact now I can hear You again I feel better already." "But before, why didn't you answer  Your poor Don Camillo when he beseeched You to?" "Because I didn't hear Don Camillo's voice  only the voice of his pride." "My pride?" "So You think I should let my parish  become associated with a Godless land?" "There isn't a speck of dust in the whole universe  where God is not present." "Lord, forgive me if I have offended You  and say a few words of comfort to Your humble servant  who is dying of hunger." "I'll say three words of comfort, Don Camillo... enjoy your meal!" "What?" "Enjoy your meal?" "Do You really mean it, Lord?" "Do You think I could eat a piece of sausage?" "Thank you, Lord." "[Don Camillo had enough food in his house to last a week. ]" "[He devoured it all in three hours. ]" "[He began at 9: 15 p. m." "And finished at 12: 10 a. m. ]" "[At 12: 45 a. m." "The gentlewomen of charity arrived. ]" "Hold him down!" "The starter!" "That's enough." "Now the pasta." "Now for a drink." "Pour some Lambrusco into a funnel, that's it!" "Now, blood pressure: 200-240." "Pulse 101." "Temperature 42. 1." "Boss, what if he drops dead now with indigestion?" "Let him." "The important thing for public opinion  is that he doesn't die of hunger." "[But Don Camillo, the Lord's sheep... ] [... had the stomach of a rhinoceros and lived to tell the tale. ]" "[His convalescence was anything but soothing... ] [... because the bad luck that had followed him... ] [... was followed by more bad luck... ] [... of a completely different kind... ] [... but no less infuriating for all that. ]" "[Don Camillo was convinced... ] [... that the rifle range parked right behind the priest's house... ] [... was just the latest move on the part of the mayor... ] [... in his ongoing attempts to drive him nuts. ]" "Peppone's delegation will leave in 10 days." "Apparently the Russian town is making great preparations to welcome them." "How many are going?" "The usual Red supporters:" "Brusco, Bigio and Smilzo." "And all with tax-payers' money!" "And you of the Opposition, you sit there saying nothing." "They told us to keep our mouths shut." "The Party's going to pay for it!" "What could I say?" "The Town Council doesn't have to fork out a single lira." "I can just imagine the whoppers they'll tell when they get back  and no-one will be able to contradict them!" "Oh, let them go." "It'll put an end to this infernal din!" "[But, when he looked at the matter more carefully... ] [... he had to admit that, for once, he had misjudged the mayor. ]" "[Peppone had another objective. ]" "[A female objective, to be precise. ]" "[Don Camillo's volcanic brain hurtled into action. ]" "[From then on, Peppone... ] [... was kept under strict surveillance around the clock. ]" "[Don Camillo was planning a vendetta... ] [... which would pay him back handsomely for the defeat he had suffered. ]" "[The moment to strike arrived at two o'clock on a night with no moon. ]" "[Everyone in Brescello was asleep, except for three people. ]" "[Unfortunately for Peppone, one of the three was Don Camillo. ]" "What a long life-line you have!" "And what do you read, in my love-line?" "Oh, look!" "An interesting journey!" " Thank you." " No!" "Drink here where I left lipstick on the glass." "All in one." "Have a wish!" "Mayor Peppone to the telephone!" "To the telephone?" "Will Mr. Mayor please come to the telephone?" "It's no use trying to get out!" "The doors and windows are barred!" "A serpent!" "Yes!" "The serpent of the Original Sin!" "Peppone, if you want to communicate with me you must speak down the tube!" "Don Camillo, what the hell you want?" "I've hitched my van to the caravan." "Now I'm going to tow you home  park you in the courtyard and have your wife let you out." " No!" "They'll take my license away!" " No he won't, he's joking!" "Don Camillo, I am prepared to negotiate." "What do you want?" "Not much, just a little thing." "I want you to take me with you to Russia." "Peppone, are you dead?" "To Russia?" "But have you gone stark staring mad?" "Let's be off then." "End of transmission." "Help!" "Stop!" "What have you got in that brain?" "How can I take a priest to Russia?" "I'll wear civilian clothes." "Don't worry, no-one will recognize me." "But Brusco and the other comrades will be there." "Ah, objection over-ruled." "If they believe Karl Marx, they'll believe anything." "What about documents?" "I'll have fakes made." "Really good ones:" "A passport, a visa." "Even a Communist Party card." "I shall be comrade Camillo Tarocci." " Where are we?" " A hundred meters from your house!" "Stop!" "Stop!" "I accept." "Alright, I give in!" "Stop!" "Coward!" "Alright, let's make an official contract." "You must sign this declaration  in which you acknowledge and confirm  that you took part in a clandestine meeting at night  with a certain lady called Irma." "The document will arrive by express post." "Please sign it and send it back." "But what are you doing?" "You'll get me into trouble!" "Give me back the pen, idiot!" "I'll let you out!" "If you ask me, if Karl Marx said so, I still believe it." "It's one of the great political maxims." " Two points." " Stick his nose in it, like you do with cats." "But just imagine, we could take him to Russia  get his back against the wall and then say:" "... "Reverend, now we have shown you our hell... "" ""... why don't you show us your heaven?"" "Of course, we'll deprive him of his most powerful weapon:" "Lies." "But who's going to issue a visa to a priest?" "Not to a priest, no, but..." "You, Brusco, do you agree?" "Well, it's a good idea, but he's so clever he won't accept." "You don't really think he'll agree to come to Russia with us, do you?" "Of course he won't!" "How will you persuade him?" "Of course, it won't be easy..." "Lord, the last hurdle has been crossed." "The Bishop has sent me a convalescence certificate." "I'm leaving tomorrow." "Have you nothing to say to me, Lord?" "What do you expect me to say?" "Have a good trip, comrade Don Camillo." " Excuse me, where are the toilets?" " Back there." " Thank you." "A Cinzano, please." "Sir, this isn't yours." "The reverend ordered it." "I'll drink his health then  and my own." "I don't think he's coming." "Perhaps he's changed his mind." "That's what I said." " Here he comes." " Oh yes!" " Never mind." "Did you think I'd miss the train, boss?" " No, but I hoped you might." " Well, I didn't." "What are you wearing?" "You still look like a priest." "I'm supposed to be dressed like a comrade, comrade." "Stop playing the clown." "We're not traveling alone." "Calm down, boss." "Calm down!" " Now look, I warn you, best behavior." " Come on, in you get." "We're not going alone, there's a guy from Rome coming." "And who is he?" "A guy called Scamoggia, sent by the Party to accompany us." "Oh, I see." "Someone who speaks Russian, eh?" " No, he doesn't speak Russian." " Oh, of course not." "I wasn't thinking." "He doesn't have to understand what the Russians say, only what we say." "Exactly!" "He's a journalist." "He's got  to compile a complete report on the trip and the twinning agreement." " There he is!" " Where?" "There he is!" "Scamoggia!" "Bye, darling." "Bye." "Come on!" "You worse than an anteater!" "What on earth do women see in you?" "Look at the lipstick!" "Wipe it off!" "Scamoggia, may I introduce Don..." "Donizetti." "Comrade Gaetano Donizetti." "Donizetti?" "Yes, it was the name of a horse!" "My name's Tarocci." " I'm afraid I'm no good at names..." " Pleased to meet you, comrade." " The pleasure's mine." " Sorry, eh!" "Listen, but last night you didn't tell us your wife would be here too!" "Why didn't you introduce us?" "Because last night I didn't even know her myself!" "Good for you, comrade, good for you." "As they say, serve the Party joyfully!" "Absolutely!" "Hey, comrade Tarocci, can I have a word with you?" " Who me?" " Yes, you!" "Come here a moment." "Excuse me!" "There are two German girls in there, mother and daughter." "Let's go!" "No." "Why are you asking me?" "Ask someone else!" " The others are all sitting there like dead fish." " So am I!" "Well, you're no Adonis, but, compared with the others..." "At least you're good-looking, you've got a lecherous eye." "You go for the mother And I'll have the daughter." "Come on." "Damned priests!" "The only good thing about this trip is that, for a few days at least  we won't see a single priest!" " You never know." "In the Soviet Union there's freedom of worship." "What do you mean?" "Are there priests there too?" "Then it must be impossible to eliminate this nasty species, eh?" "Eh, unfortunately, if there are still priests there  it means that they have access to occult powers which  have not yet been identified and neutralized." "That's true." "Priests always get you in the end and they always will." "The priest who'll catch me has yet to be born!" " And the one who baptized you?" " Oh, thanks a bunch, I was a day old!" " And the priest who married you?" " Eh?" "!" "Forget it." "Tarocci is right." "There's not much we can do about it." "Tarocci, I like you because you hate priests like me." "Good for you." "Hey!" "Hey!" "Look!" "What?" " What is it?" " The bible!" " What are you reading, comrade?" " My bible." "Why, do you want to become a priest?" " THOUGHTS OF LENIN " "Oh, I thought!" "Eh?" "Da, da." "Eh?" " What's she saying?" " We don't..." "we don't understand Russian." " Thank you, thank you." " Moscow!" " Tarocci, what did she say?" " I believe we're flying over Moscow." "Where is it?" "Let me see!" "Moscow, the greatest city in the world  as big as New York, Paris and London put together!" "[Moscow lay 7, 000 meters below... ] [... and was obscured by the clouds. ]" "[But it was still very exciting. ]" "[Two hours later, they landed at last on sacred Russian soil... ] [... at a small airport near the River Don. ]" "Welcome, Italian comrades." "I am Nadia Petrovna, from the Rostov Interpreting School." "How do you do!" "And this is comrade Jeng Ariegov, from Inturist." "We shall be with you throughout your stay in the Soviet Union." "While welcoming you, our comrade will give you  the schedule for your stay." "Point A:" "Arrival at airport." "We've done that bit." "And now let's move on to Point B:" "... transfer to destination by bus." "Comrade, aren't you going to kneel down and kiss the sacred soil?" "I'd like to stuff a handful of it in your mouth!" "Comrades!" "Tovarisc!" "Tovarisc Bottazzi!" " No, Not me." "Him!" " I'm Bottazzi." "Comrade chairman of kolchoz." "Stop!" "Smile!" " What's with all this kissing?" " It's an old Russian custom." "Then I'd better get some practice!" "[Implementation of Point C:" "Night in hotel. ]" "[Because of all the excitement Peppone didn't doze off until nearly dawn. ]" "[Lt was a restless sleep, plagued with nightmares and hallucinations. ]" "Dominus vobiscum." " Good morning, comrades!" " One moment, we're not dressed!" "The morning program starts in twenty minutes." " Be at the front door." " Deo gratias." "You're welcome." "Keep your blessings to yourself, you reckless imbecile!" "Put all that stuff away!" "Lord, forgive him:" "His fear  is even greater than his ignorance!" "Shh!" "Be quiet!" "Don't you know there are microphones everywhere?" "Rubbish, comrade!" "Those vulgar lies are put about by Church propaganda!" "And forgive me if I bend your arms  and put you in this little box  but you are my inspiration and there was no other way  I could bring you with me close to my heart." "Nadia!" "Thank you, comrade!" "Now, for the twinning ceremony, we're going to the new kolchoz headquarters." " WELCOME TO OUR ITALIAN COMRADES!" "" "And now, comrade chairman  allow me to present you with a modest gift  from the comrades of Brescello." "Open it." "Now, to seal the twinning relationship between Bres-Bresk..." " Brescia." "... your town and Brescello  in the name of Rome, mother of peoples and civilization." "If you will permit me, comrade chairman  I would also like to give you some typical Italian products." "Open this!" "Here now." "This is the famous Parma ham which you will no doubt have heard of." "This is Lambrusco wine." "This wine is typical of our region." "A sparkling wine, yes." "It's a digestif and a diuretic." "It's red too." "Comrade chairman asks what's in the hat box." "No, it's not a hat box, not at all." "This is a special cheese." "It's real Parmesan cheese." "Ivan!" "Nadia!" "Owing to circumstances beyond our control  the ceremony is suspended and we must await new orders." "Will you collect your gifts and follow me to the hotel, please." "May we ask why?" "What's happened?" "Eh?" "Ah!" "Comrade, may we know the reason for this..." "Comrade Ariegov has asked me to inform you that  since Point D:" "The official twinning ceremony has been suspended  we are moving straight on to Point F:" "Rest in hotel." "But what about Point E:" "Banquet in honor of the guests?" "Well really it was part of Point D  the ceremony." "If it had gone on till late afternoon  it would also have incorporated Point E:" "... banquet." " Nadia!" "Is that clear?" "Absolutely!" "We don't incorporate anything!" "Listen, you'll tell me what's going on, won't you?" "What's happening?" "Good luck, comrade." "But... why good luck?" "What do you mean?" "Nadia!" "What, can't we leave the hotel?" "Why not?" "Hey!" "We're prisoners here!" " Tovarisc Scamoggia!" " That's him!" "But I haven't done anything." "What do you want?" "I'm a journalist!" "A journalist of the Left!" "Yes, but just go along." "Don't make a fuss, off you go!" "Why me?" "I've got nothing to do with them!" "I'm a journalist." "I'm just following them!" "What's he doing, arresting him?" "No, they'll interrogate him, like they do everyone, one at a time." "Luckily they've begun with him." "He knows nothing." " About what?" " I'll tell you upstairs in the room." "Get moving!" "But don't you understand?" "They've discovered he's a priest!" "How, by looking at my face?" "In that case he looks much more like a priest than I do!" "You said mass in this room heaving with microphones!" "But if it's full of microphones, then why are you shouting like that?" " Oh, yes." " Hey!" " Shh, quiet." " Comrade." "And now what do we do?" "Shut up!" "Be quiet, otherwise everyone will hear us!" "Please, let's be quiet." "What did you say?" "I don't understand!" "That we'll tie him up and hand him over  then they can do what they like with him!" " Oh!" " What did you say?" "Nothing." "Sorry." " Oh, no." " Don't let's start saying silly things!" "Let's keep calm, shall we?" "And just remember that it was you who persuaded me to come here  to your paradise." "And if they torture me  I might just confess." " We must deny everything  at any price, even the truth." "And we must destroy all the evidence before they search him." "What evidence?" "Prayer cards, holy wafers, Lenin's bible  all the stuff this madman brought with him!" "Come on lads, it must be in his hat!" "Stop!" "Stand back!" "Criminals!" "It's not a hat  it's a tabernacle!" "And it contains holy oil, too!" "What are you doing there?" "Oh, it's you, is it?" "Because they're not going to get me alive." " How are you, comrade?" " Shhh!" "What did they ask you?" "Questions about us?" " But why are you speaking so quietly?" " Because there are microphones  hidden in all the rooms." "Well, what did they ask you?" "Nothing at all!" "They just confiscated my cameras!" " Why are your cameras so important?" " I've no idea!" " Shhh!" " Now, hunt for the mikes, rip them out, do something  because if I don't let off steam, I'm going to go pop!" " Shhh!" " Usually, they hide them behind pictures." " That's true." "I wouldn't mind betting it's behind Khrushchev's portrait!" " Who's taken it away?" " It wasn't me." " Nor me." "I'm going to look in my room." "There was one here before." " Is it there?" " No, it isn't there, but they've removed it from here, too." " In my room too!" " And in mine!" "Where you put Khrushchev?" "It's not there, they've taken them all away." " They've removed them all." " I wonder why?" "I'm going to demand an explanation!" "[Peppone made them calm down, confident of his undoubted authority. ]" "[The importance of the discovery... ] [... justified an official stand. ]" "[And a request for an immediate explanation. ]" "So, at this point, I am making a formal request  in the name of the Italian delegation, to know why the portraits of  Nikita Sergeyevich Khrushchev have been removed." "Translate." " Because they needed dusting." " What?" "Thank you." "[The next day, they received a more satisfactory answer. ]" "[And it unleashed a torrent of comments. ]" "That's strange." " How peculiar!" " I wonder why." " What do you mean?" "That's enough of discussing politics without anything to base it on." "We don't know anything about him or his ideas." "That's right." "We're trying to understand." "But if the eye reflects the soul  that guy..." " He certainly has a pretty cool expression, doesn't he?" " He's a block of ice." " If you want my unbiased opinion  compared to this guy, Stalin was a real sweetie." "Oh, I know all about your unbiased opinions, comrade Tarocci." "Not only mine." "Why did they call off a peaceful event like  the twinning ceremony?" "Eh?" " Eh!" "Because it was too peaceful for that guy!" "Anyway, if Khrushchev is out, this guy will join forces with the Chinese." "And down will come the Iron Curtain again, just like in the good old days!" "Except that now we're in it up to our necks." " But, boss, we're trapped." " That's enough!" "If I let you speak, we'll be deported to Siberia!" "I don't know!" "But, I say, we're Italian citizens." "There are consulates, embassies..." "Boss, that guy doesn't care two hoots about embassies." "Look at him!" "But I don't want to look at him!" "I don't want him to give me ideas!" "Oh, for Pete's sake!" "Who do you think he is?" "Dracula?" "Possibly!" "Now look, let's be serious about this." "And, in particular, we mustn't panic." "[In fact they all behaved in an orderly, disciplined way. ]" "[Each one of them took their own share of responsibility for the Parmesan... ] [... the Lambrusco and the ham. ]" "[Then they tried to escape." "Objective:" "The nearest Italian Consulate. ]" "[When in danger, each man for himself and God for all. ]" "Keep quiet, tread softly  open that door." " It's locked." " Damn..." " Keep calm..." " Let's try over there." " There where?" " Through the kitchen." "I told you we should have tied our sheets together..." "Where are you going, Italian comrades?" "Now we've had it." "[The man at the wheel had changed... ] [... but, luckily, the train was still traveling in the same direction. ]" "The she-wolf!" "Go and fetch the she-wolf!" "Oh!" "And here everyone's kissing each other!" "Excuse me please!" " Bottazzi!" " Hold the she-wolf." " Here you are, hold this." " Give it to me." "Comrade... in evening uniform, let's start a twinning relationship!" "Oh, look who's here." "Thank you!" "Nadia!" "But what have you handed me, idiot?" "This is empty!" " Now you've broken a full one!" " Oh never mind, what a lovely party!" " Nadiuska, listen." " Yes?" "Have you by any chance seen that American film called "Ninoska"?" " No, why?" " Because in it Greta Garbo is a functionary like you." " Oh yes?" " But she's sent to Paris, where she discovers silk stockings  champagne..." " Yes?" " She meets a nice guy, like me  she falls madly in love with him and decides to stay." " Oh yes?" "She chooses freedom!" "Really?" "It sounds like a shameful film of capitalist reactionary propaganda." "Oh, yes, just terrible." "My dear comrade, once again, allow me to offer you these modest gifts  from proletarian socialist Italy." "These are for you!" " And then how does it end?" " What?" " That film." " The couple, do they get married?" " No, of course not!" "Up to this point she doesn't let herself get carried away!" "They have an affair and then they go their separate ways." " So it has a sad ending." " On the contrary, a happy ending!" "Because they write to each other, they send postcards, and telegrams..." "No, I didn't give up." "I just decided not to go on  that's different." " However the result is the same:" "Ivan of the U. S. S. R. Beat  Peppone of Italy at the sixth glass of the second bottle." "No, no, no, I cannot accept their rules:" "They just glug it down  in one gulp, one after the other but like this, no, it's so uncivilized." "Let him come to Italy!" "There we drink grappa in tiny sips, we don't gulp it." "Babies all over the world cry in the same way as they do in Italy." "Listen!" "There." "Just like we do at home." "It's comforting." "I must say that, when I experience some things, I begin to understand  even your twinning idea!" " Good, comrade, you're progressing!" " No, it's just that I realize  that, even here, the landlord is the same everywhere." " Yes, but here he's been evicted." "So..." " Maybe from the ground floor  but they haven't managed to boot him out of the rest of the house." " Well..." "Pity, eh?" "It's a sweet little church." "Vandals!" "They've made it into a barn." "Murderers!" " What did you say?" " Vandals!" "Murderers!" " Shhh!" " For Pete's sake, we're in Russia!" " I know." "I don't understand." "The church in Porski is open." "Here it's not." "Freedom of worship." "That means, from here, anyone who wants to go to mass must walk 18 km!" " Freedom of worship with a little compulsory sport." " Honestly..." " Well, what's the matter?" " Nothing." " You're dying to have a look at the barn, aren't you!" " Who me?" "What if they catch me?" "If they catch you, you've had it." "When you get back, don't make a din  or I'll throw something at you, alright?" "Jesus!" "Lord, I understand that You speak Russian here  but I haven't been here long." "Sorry, what were You saying?" "We've met up again, Don Camillo." "But what a pitiful state You're in, Lord." "I've known worse in the last 2, 000 years." "And Your house, Your poor house..." "It's full of grain, and grain is the bread of man  and I am that bread." " Yes, Lord." "When they come to collect the grain they are forced to think of me  even those who have never set foot inside before  and they talk to me, albeit silently, because this is the church of silence." "I understand, Lord." "Forgive me." "Hey, hey!" "[Those eyes would search for Don Camillo again. ]" "[Even at the height of the festivities organized by comrade Ivan. ]" "Tovarisc!" "[Point R:" "Thursday, 2: 00 p. m., sturgeon fishing contest... ] [... between the champions of the Don and those of the far-off Po. ]" "Tovarisc!" "[The Italian team was doing well... ] [... but it was competing at a disadvantage... ] [... because one of its members wasn't concentrating. ]" "But have the Russians bribed you to fish badly so that we'll lose?" "Listen, Don Camillo, I need to talk to you!" "Whom do you wish to talk to?" "The comrade or the priest?" "It involves my old folks back home." "I think you know them?" "Yes, and I feel sorry for them that they have such a delinquent son." "Reverend  you know I had a brother who was killed in Russia?" " I do." "He died here, on the Don, fighting in the battle on Christmas Day  in 1941." " Yes, go on, I knew him." " Wait a moment." "The military chaplain sent it to my mother." "And look at that  in the first row, my brother's grave." "And my mother made me swear I'd find it and light a candle to him." "I've even got a map." "It's nearby, but I'll never be able to find it on my own  I can't make understand those names written in Ostrogothic." " North, South..." " Why don't you ask the boss to help?" "Perhaps  he might know about the points of the compass." " I don't." "Look at the back." "A fascist!" "But you've always said he was in the Alpine regiment!" "Exactly." "Alright, let's go!" "Just try to look unconcerned, O. K?" "We're in the right place." "There's the lake and there's the oak tree." " But is it the right one?" " We'll soon find out, there's  an inscription on the trunk..." " Whoops." " What's wrong?" " I tripped." "Here it is, look." "There, comrade, that's where your brother was buried." "Requiem aeternam dona ei, Domine." "Lux perpetua luceat ei  requiescat in pace." " Amen." "Take this to your mother." "But why did they do this?" "They have 18, 000, 000 square km of land." "Did they really need  this little bit for sowing wheat?" "Comrade, a nation that lost 20 million in the war couldn't afford to worry  about the 50 or 100, 000 dead left behind by the enemy." "But I can't say that to my mother." "Then don't." "Let her think about the wooden cross  in the photograph." "Tell her you lit a candle  on your brother's grave." "And maybe if she sows these ears of wheat  it will be like keeping him alive." " Those helicopters looking for us!" "Get down!" " What organization!" "What did I tell you?" "They've sprayed us with poisoned gas!" "What rubbish!" "They've fertilized us!" "Come on!" " Hey!" "Hey!" " Hey mister!" " Tovarisc!" " Wait a moment!" "He saw you giving blessing, he knows you're a priest!" "Now he'll report you!" "[Circumstances suggested that Brusco was right, but, somehow... ] [..." "Don Camillo didn't seem to think the situation was so serious. ]" "[In the hotel that evening, all was quiet. ]" "[The Italians and the Russians were preparing for the festivities. ]" "And what might that be?" "Tovarisc Tarocci..." "Let's see who sent it." "I don't understand." "'Evening..." " May I ask where you've been until now?" " No, you can't." "It's a little secret, and it's not even my secret." "This is yours, though." "I see someone's posting you letters under the door!" " What are you up to, flirting?" " You ought to know  after all, you were the one who so kindly opened it for me!" "Anyway, it's anonymous and it's written in Russian." "That's not Russian, ignoramus, it's Latin." " In your capacity as a priest..." " Go on, translate it!" "[The missive said:" "Someone needs a priest. ]" "[Go secretly to the house of the chairman of the kolchoz. ]" "[His old mother doesn't want to die without God. ]" "I'll go then." "But have you gone completely mad?" "Do you want us all to go to Siberia?" " They've already realized that you're a damned priest!" " Shhh!" "That letter is bait to lead you into a trap." "What if it isn't and I don't go?" "I'd never forgive myself." "Good, very good!" ""Di Provenza", but they've skipped about 20 minutes of the performance!" "Thank goodness:" "Verdi would turn in his grave..." "No he wouldn't!" "Do you realize it'll be over in half-an-hour  and Don Camillo..." "My dear  no, no, no, don't be afraid." "I friend." "I not thief." "Do you understand?" "Me priest." "Jesus." "I bring Jesus." " Hooray!" " Bravo!" " Encore!" " Encore!" " Bravo!" "Oh, no." "First I must hear your confession." "Do you understand?" "Confess your sins." "Confiteor..." "Is it a long time since you confessed..." "But I don't understand you." "But I don't understand you." "I don't understand you." "Maybe she speaks English!" "You speak English?" "No, I can't do it." "I must understand." " Pope!" "Pope!" " Pope?" "Da, da, pope." "So you're a priest, are you?" "A priest!" "Yes, a cowardly priest with no guts!" "It's easy to write anonymous letters though, isn't it?" "I tried  to replace you, but I can't." "Now go and see your parishioner!" "Or I'll kick you there myself!" "Go on, do your duty!" "And be careful, I'm out here, keeping watch." " Come down!" "Quick, let's go!" " Not so fast, how far have they got?" " The second act?" " No, the tenth glass." " What?" "The Russian "Traviata" is super-fast and to prevent Ivan from going home  Peppone has taken them to the hotel for a vodka-drinking competition." " Good for him!" "Tell him to keep drinking!" " But how much longer  will you be with the old lady?" " Well, frankly, you can blame  that anti-clerical son of hers." "He hadn't let her confess for 20 years!" " Come on, up with Italy!" " Come on, boss, don't give up!" " Come on!" " Come on Italy!" " Come on!" " Another glass!" "[But unfortunately Ivan had not only a mother who wanted to confess... ] [... but also 4 kids who were rather behind with taking the Sacraments. ]" " SHALL I OPEN IT?" "" " SHALL I OPEN IT?" "" "Drink up, boss!" "Think of the fatherland!" "Think of Siberia!" "Come on!" "Drink up!" " SHALL I OPEN IT?" "" "Drink up!" " SHALL I OPEN IT?" "" "Higher with your left fist!" "Look up!" "Watch out for the uppercut!" "You see?" "What did I tell you?" " Non sum dignus, non sum dignus." " Lord, he says he's not worthy..." "With these muscles isn't he worthy?" "List up your hearts!" "And especially  faith, eh!" "Faith, my son, and footwork!" "[Returning to his hotel after the mission, Don Camillo realized... ] [... he wasn't the only who had stayed up... ] [... to accomplish a mission of love. ]" "Nadia?" "Let me in, please." "It's our last night." "We're leaving in the morning!" "Just for a moment to say good-bye." "Just to say good-bye." "Come on, there's no-one about." "They're all in bed." "Hey, comrade, have you got a match?" "Shhh!" " Go away, off with you." " What manners!" "Why must I go away?" "I only asked for a match." "If you don't have one  you only have to say so." " Shhh!" "I'll set you on fire!" " She was just about to let me in!" " Who?" "Oh the pretty functionary!" " Nadiuska, open the door." " Ah!" "I understand now!" "Instead of twinning, comrade, you would rather make twins!" "I apologize." "Perhaps I hurt your feelings." "It wasn't my intention." " No, it doesn't matter." "Shall we go?" " I'm sorry, Scamoggia." "It doesn't matter." "Let's go to bed." "Bye, good night, Tarocci." "I know, after all, what do you care?" "A girl is neither here nor there..." "And she seems like a good girl." "If you think about it, it's good to show you respect her, isn't it?" "In other words, I should thank you?" " Well, thanks then, Tarocci." "Bye, good night." " Good night." " Good night." " Bye!" " Night, Nadiuska." "See you tomorrow." " Good night." " Good night." " Good night." " But what is it?" " Shhh!" " He won the vodka competition." " Oh, I'd forgotten all about it!" "Oh, he wants him turned over!" "Come on, give me a hand." "That's it, wait, come on!" "Turn him over!" "Careful!" "Slowly!" "Peppone, look at me, speak to me." "It's me!" "Don..." "Donizetti!" " Drop dead!" " There!" "He recognized me." "Good sign!" "No, no, no, not him, tell me." "Cetirie." " Yes, I see, four every hour." " Hour!" " Four every hour, cetirie!" " Da." " Da, da." " And what's this?" " A prescription?" " No, it's a printed form." " It must be a health service form that needs signing." " Niet, niet." " Him." " Him?" " Him!" " You want him to sign?" "Do you also need the signature of the patient for a death certificate?" " Yes, yes, come on, comrades, pull him up." " Come on, pull!" "Peppone, up you come!" "Oh, that's fine." "Peppone, here." "Sign this form." "Here!" "But it's not a thermometer, it's a pen, come on, hold it." "It's a pen." "You must sign the form, sign here." "That's it  Giuseppe Bottazzi." "Bot-taz-zi." "That's it, like that!" "How much for your trouble?" "Kopeks?" " Ah, niet!" " Ah, niet yourself!" " Dasvidanya!" "Dasvidanya." "Dasvidanya to you too!" "Right now, everybody out." "Good night!" "You'd better pray to your God that he recovers, otherwise..." " Don Camillo." " What's up?" "Give me your hand, hold it tight." "Don Camillo, I'm afraid." "I don't want to stay here all alone." "I don't want to die on my own, far away from home  in this foreign land." " Calm down." "And anyway, what do you mean  this foreign land, your great Mother Russia!" "No, give me your word that, whatever happens tomorrow  and whatever state I'm in, even if I'm dying, you'll let me leave." "You'll leave here when you're fit." "Meanwhile..." " No." " You must take your pills now." "How many did he?" "Four every hour." " Then give me eight!" " What?" "No, you mustn't!" "No!" "Comrade Ivan says that your visit has been  like a ray of your beautiful Italian sunshine." "His only regret is that your stay was too short." "Will we ever be able to visit you?" "No." "We'd like to, but we have no plans  to visit you." "So we may never meet again." "We assure you that we shall never forget this happy time  in your company." "Nor shall we forget your faces or your voices  and we hope it is the same for you." "Good-bye, comrades." "Turn round!" "Can't you see she's crying?" "Come on, boss, get in, up you go." "Look, what's happening?" " Who's he?" "What's he doing?" " Establishing freedom of worship!" " But what's happening?" " Nothing, just a little tiff  like the ones you and I indulge in all the time." "Eh?" " COMRADE IVAN IS INDISPOSED AND WILL NOT BE ABLE TO ACCOMPANY YOU " " Now we're really twinned!" " Yes, yes, let's go." " Hey, guys, we haven't said good-bye to Nadia!" " Here I am!" "Bye!" " See you in Italy soon!" "Bye!" " Bye!" "Bye." "Bye." "Well don't just stand there." "Come on, get in." "Yes, it's mine, yes." "That's a good idea, that way I can learn some Russian." "It'll be useful!" " Niet!" " Come on guys, give me your left-over rubles." " Give me your rubles." "I'm staying!" " What?" " Oh!" "I've got 50." " What, are you really staying?" " Come on, hurry, dammit!" "Thanks." "But I'll get even with you one day!" "It's all your fault!" "You  told me to respect her!" "I did, and now I've got a noose around my neck!" "Well, good-bye guys." "Safe trip home and I hope we meet again." "Look!" "But it's true that Russian women are twice as attractive." " Three times, ignoramus!" " Maybe a functionary  only one and a half times." "However, it's a good test of love." " What is?" " Staying here for goodness knows how long  lost in this country of savages." " As usual, unworthy words  the filthy words of a reactionary who'd even deny that sunlight exists." "They are your own solemn words pronounced  on the point of death." "Hold my hand, swear that you'll let me leave..." "Oh, I was drunk." "You can't take the words of a drunk man seriously  those words have nothing to do with my true sentiments." " Oh, my dear friend..." " Tovarisc Bottazzi Giuseppe?" "Yes, that's me." " What's she saying?" " Follow her, go on, don't make such a fuss, go!" "I'm sorry, I don't understand, no, I not understand..." "Comrade Bottazzi, the Party very worried about your health." "It offer you perfect facilities in clinic It not want responsibility." "No, thanks, I'm fine, believe me, really..." " Not according to this." " What?" " No, this your signature." " No." " Yes, yes, yes." " Yes." " I requested to be admitted  follow me, please." " No, but..." "I'm fine now." "You can't refuse an honor bestowed on you by the great Soviet motherland  or don't you trust them, eh?" " Don..." "Donizetti, go and..." "Of course I'll come, I'm going with the doctor right now." " But where are they taking him?" " No idea." "Don't worry, comrade." "After all, sooner or later  all the Communist bosses come here to be cured." " Soviet clinics are famous!" " Yes, I know... but  if it takes a long time, inform the Red Cross." " Yes." " The United Nations, the Vatican." " Yes!" " Anyone you can!" " Don't worry!" " Remember!" " We will!" " Don Cam..." " Yes!" "Try to do something for him." "Oh, of course, you won't understand!" "I do, Reverend." "Our information service is the best in the world." "We knew who you were before you left Italy." "But we have no secrets, from anybody." "Tell the pope." "Tell him it's not so bad here." "Tell him to come and visit us." "Have a good trip back!" "[Don Camillo didn't visit the Pope... ] [... but he had at least to go and see his bishop... ] [... to salve his conscience about his little trip to Russia... ] [... in disguise." "He kept putting it off... ] [... and in the end it took two months for him to pluck up enough courage. ]" " So, what news?" " This came today." "He's almost finished:" "They've removed his tonsils and adenoids, too." "So, he's been treated for a hernia, appendicitis, a kidney complaint  old age, he's got false teeth and no tonsils." " Now they'll find his cist!" "Let's hope they brainwash him while they're at it!" "[Don Camillo had made up his mind. ]" "[He would confess everything, even if he were demoted to verger. ]" " Excellency." " Don Camillo, how did your convalescence go?" "Er... very well..." " Do you know you look in really splendid shape?" " Oh..." "Where have you been to convalesce?" "Tell me so that I can go there too." "It would be rather complicated..." "It's a rather... strange place." " You see, Excellency, I came to..." " Well, do you know, it's almost  a case of telepathy?" "You requested an audience  when I was just about to send for you." "So  do you want to speak first or shall I?" " No, no  you first, Excellency." "I'm in no hurry, on the contrary..." "Well, the Curia has decided to organize a cultural trip  for a group of priests who have really never been anywhere." "And I need someone to accompany them, someone energetic and  practical, who knows how to sort things out." "Like you, Don Camillo." " Me, Excellency?" " Exactly." " And this trip... where is it going?" " How silly of me, I forgot to say!" " America, the United States." " No, no, no, I don't feel worthy  of such an honor or such great trust." "No, no, no..." "I accept!" "I kiss your ring, Excellency." " But Don Camillo, where are you going?" "It's your turn to speak now." " My turn?" " Didn't you ask for an audience?" " Oh!" "Yes, I did request an audience  because I wanted to wish you a very happy Christmas." " But it's only October!" " Yes, I know, it's a bit early  but since I'm leaving for America and don't know how long I'm staying  you understand that it's better if I say it now!" "My respects, Excellency." "[The bishop knew Don Camillo's funny ways... ] [... and decided not to delve too deeply. ]" " COME BACK LOADED WITH DOLLARS!" "" "[That day, the whole town turned out to say good-bye to its priest. ]" "[A bus that had picked up the priests from the various seminaries... ] [... had come to pick up the guide. ]" "[Only the mayor was not present... ] [... because Peppone, contrary to all expectations... ] [... had not yet returned from Russia. ]" "[Not even his friends knew where he was... ] [... and even the supply of postcards from the clinic had dried up. ]" "[That was the only slight flaw for Don Camillo on that triumphant day: ]" "[... that Peppone wasn't there to explode with rage... ] [... at seeing him leave for America. ]" "Reverend Bianchi Alfonso, Reverend Nicotera Giovanni  Monsignor Valdino Evaristo, Reverend Facchetti Anselmo  Monsignor Carloni Benedetto." "Join the others please." " Peppone?" " No, Monsignor Carloni Benedetto." "I knew they were giving you the works, but I didn't expect this!" "I'm sorry I couldn't come and see you when I arrived two weeks ago  but I've had lots to do, it wasn't easy." "Do you want to see my documents?" "Passport, "propaganda fide" card  a permit from the Pope and the consent from the Curia." "All authentic and absolutely valid, as were yours, after all." "Oh yes, I forgot this..." "It's my bible." " MANIFESTO OF THE COMMUNIST PARTY" "Yes, but you don't have the vital thing, a way of blackmailing me  because I don't have a wife, ho ho!" "No, but you do have a bishop!" "I wonder what the bishop would say if he saw this photograph?" "What?" "What... photogr..." "Oh, tear it up if you like." "I have five more copies in my pocket  and 30, 000 at home, ready for an advertising drop  from the air, so..." "And so, are you happy to be going to America?" "Is this the first time you've traveled by plane?" "Lord, look!" "Without a moustache, Peppone looks just like a priest!" "It's true men are not always what they seem." "But who knows?" "Who knows indeed?" "... if it be God's will." " Come on, let's go, shall we, boys?" "Yes, yes, let's go, because otherwise..." " Oh!" " Well, Monsignore, shall we go?" "Or do you want to miss the plane?" "No!" "The passengers arriving from Moscow  on Alitalia flight 842..." "Look at those two!" "But..." "Yes."