"(Man) Welcome back to the season premiere of Dancing With The Stars..." "The next contestants..." "Valentina Delgado and James Van Der Beek!" "(June) Sooner or later, we all have to face our own moment of truth." "After all the hard work, the countless hours of sweat, tears, and preparation," "James was about to face his." "It made me wonder, when I was faced with my moment of truth, when the spotlight was on me, how would I respond?" "I can't come in to work today." "I'm in the hospital." "I burned my fingertips off saving a bunch of Cubans from a bakery fire." "Turns out... not well." "Also, I have black lung." "(Imitates wheezing)" "Not well at all." "(Katie Hampton) * I'm not perfect, I'm no snitch *" "♪ but I can tell you ♪" "(whispers) * she's a... * (Buzzer)" "♪ ba-da-da-da-da-ba, ba-da-ba ♪" "♪ ba-da-da-da-da-ba, ba-da-ba ♪" "(cheers and applause) (Amplified voice) All right, everybody, thank you so much for coming to my going away party." "Let me make a promise right here and now." "Valentina and I are gonna win "Dancing With The Stars."" "(Both) Whoo!" "(Cheers and applause)" "(Microphone feedback whines)" "(Amplified voice) I would take a bullet for this man." "(Clenched teeth) Luther, tighten it up." "My agent's here." " Did you hear that, mom?" " (Connie) So exciting." "Yeah, James and Luther are leaving for L.A. tomorrow." "What's James doing now?" "Uh, right now James and Luther are... arm wrestling over a glass of white wine." "(Stammering) (Murmuring indistinctly)" "Oh, I'm so excited for you to come here!" "Me, too." "I've never been to New York." "It'll be so much fun watching the premiere with you." "Wait a minute." "Is that my favorite M.I.L.T.T.T.?" ""Mother I like to talk to"?" "Come here." "Connie, my dance guru." "I would not be here without you." "I feel so ready, and by the way, you were so right about the raisins." "They did the trick." "(Chuckles) L.A." "I actually know a lot about the business." "I was a famous baby actor." "I was in a movie... you've probably heard of it..." "Called, um, "Three Men and a Bby."" "Chloe, that is not true." "You can't just tell people anything you want." "What?" "I'm just having some fun." "Yeah, so there are several framed photographs of me curled up in Ted Danson's wig." "It's adorable." "Wait." "Danson had his real hair back then." "What do you think about Jimmy Fallon?" "I love how Fallon laughs at his own jokes." "You're watching and you're thinking," ""he's laughing, so it must be funny."" "Right. (Laughs)" "You are so lucky that everyone has an opinion on Jimmy Fallon." "Otherwise, you'd be totally busted." "Relax." "They're just silly little bar lies." "It doesn't hurt anybody, and we get attention and free drinks." "When my mother comes here, I'm gonna have her talk to you about the importance of being honest." "We are descendants of "Honest Abe" Lincoln himself." "We are known as the "Honest Colburns."" "Jocelyn?" "Jocelyn Holmes, is that you?" "It's James Van Der Beek!" "I'm just in town visiting my cousin, Katie Holmes." "(Laughs) I haven't seen you since our three-way." "Katie Holmes' cousin?" "Let me buy you a drink." "James is doing my favorite bar lie as a going-away present." "I'm gonna miss him so much." "So, yeah, Katie Holmes and I are only cousins, but we're as flirty as sisters." "That's weird." "(June) And then I'm gonna take my mom to Times Square, and then I'm gonna have an olive oil tasting." "(Squeals) (Laughs)" "I love olive oil!" "I hate mayonnaise." "I hate it. (Cell phone rings and beeps)" "June, I'm at the Jar Bar." "You have to get down here." "I told my bar lie about how I invented that superimposed yellow line for football games on TV, and I'm getting a thousand free drinks." "Thanks to you, my girlfriend loves and understands football." "Go, sports team." "As a Honest Colburn, it is my obligation to come bail you out." "In return, you are going to get my Sarah McLachlan cd from the crack between the counter and the oven." "(Door opens, bells jingle) It is my cooking music." "Get your ass down here... (Beep)" "Was that James Van Der Beek?" "No, Pepper." "Not everyone that calls me is James Van Der Beek." "I mean, do I ask you if every male customer is your old swim coach that tried to grab your boob?" "(Espresso machine frothing)" "(Horn blares in distance)" "So I was dating the guy from fox sports, and I was like, "you should really see where the ball's supposed to be," you know?" "ESPN was the first network to use that technology." "What do you think of Jimmy Fallon?" "(Scoffs) Love him!" "I heard he married" "Drew Barrymore's business partner." " Mm." " (Giggles) Oh, wow." "God." "One day you are gonna fall so deep down your lie hole, you're not gonna be able to get out." "Unless I fall down your pie hole first, because you keep yapping'." "(Cell phone rings)" "(Beep) Hi, mom!" "Oh, my gosh." "I was just gonna call you." "I wanted to talk to you about our olive oil tasting." "Honey, I'm not gonna be able to visit you in New York." "Oh, no." "Why?" "Your father's not feeling well, and, oh, I'm so sorry." "It's okay." "It's okay." "I..." "I understand." "I gotta get back to your father." "He's on cold medicine, and I'm afraid he's gonna use the stove." "Donald!" "And this little guy played the dog in "Annie" on Broadway for eight years." "Chloe, where did you get that?" "I found him outside when you were on the phone." "Hilarious, right?" "(Whimpers)" "(Luther, singsongy) Los Angeles." "Look at us." "We're like Lucy and Desi." "(Woman) I'm gonna go to the commissary!" "Whoo!" "All right." "Oh!" "Okay, so we're supposed to get a tour of the stage and the green room." "Final dress is tomorrow at 4:00." "Live show, the day after." "Wait a minute." "Luther, I just remembered something." "Did we leave a check for Yolanda?" "Well, no, you're not gonna be at your place." "Why would the maid come?" "Why do you hate Yolanda?" "(Scoffs) I do not hate Yolanda." "It's just... if you're El Salvadorian, don't pretend to be Guatemalan, you know?" "(Cell phone beeps)" "(Cell phone rings)" "(Door bells jingle, cell phone beeps)" "Hi, James..." "Van Der Beek. (Door closes)" "Listen, can you do me a huge favor?" "I think I forgot to leave a check for my maid." "Can you go to my place and write one for her?" "Oh, of course." "No problem." "Ohh." "Thank you." "The doorman's name is..." "Martin." "He has a key." "Alarm code is 74, the number of times James has cried on film." "Checkbook and signature stamp are in the top desk drawer." "Make the check out to Yolanda Martinez." "Oh, and in the memo section, write "for boob job."" "It's a private joke." "She'll know what it means." "I am on it, James." "Don't you worry." "My mother raised me to be an Honest Colburn." "I will not let you down." "Thank you, June." "I knew I could count on you." "Obviously, I can't trust Chloe to do it, so... (Honks horn)" "Well, that's not true." "I mean, she tells bar lies to get free drinks, but deep down, she is a good person." "Is that John Goodman?" "Go." "Go, go, go, go, go, go, go." "(Whirring)" "(Beep) He had to go." "He saw John Goodman." "(Gasps) "Norm!"" "(Door bells jingle)" "As you can see, great lights, city views." "Wait till you see the master bath." "Chloe, what are you doing?" "Oh, hi." "I'm being a realtor." "I'm renting out James' place while he's gone." "Any questions, don't hesitate to call." "I'm all about putting someone in James' home." "(Door slams)" "You're pretending to be a realtor?" "Chloe, this is way worse than harmless bar lies." "You can't do this." "Yes, I can." "I always rent James' apartment when he goes on location for chunks of time." "(Siren wailing in distance)" "I make extra income, some lucky family has an awesome place to stay, and no one's the wiser." "You have fallen down your lie hole." "You are taking advantage of James." "I have to tell him." "Oh, don't tell him." "Hi." "See that view?" "Iconic Manhattan." "You don't have to lie." "Just don't say anything." "You can't be dishonest with your mouth shut." "Oh, you know what I mean." "Omission is not the same as lying." "Now James needs to focus on one thing, and that's dancing." "Don't you think it's a little selfish and unfair to spring this on him now?" "I guess this isn't the best time." "Not if you want him to win." "So you won't tell him?" "(Sighs) Maybe it is better that he doesn't know right now." "(Man over P.A.) Final dress rehearsal." "Dean Cain and Karina Smirnoff." "(Tango music playing)" "Okay, look, this is just rehearsal, papi, okay?" "Let's see if they can do this tomorrow when this place is packed with screaming fans and broadcasting to millions of people around the world." "I let Dean borrow some of your bronzer." "You what?" "!" " Relax." "Focus." " Ah-ah." "Ah-ah." "Focus." "(Song ends)" "(Amplified voice) Great." "Okay." "Dean and Karina will exit..." "All right, look, it doesn't matter." "James and Valentina are next." "(Woman) 5, 6, 7, 8... (Joss Stone's "Put your hands on me" playing)" "(Man) * one, two, three, four *" "(Joss Stone) * I guess I'm picky with love * * well, baby, I give up, it's you I choose * * and don't keep me waiting * * this girl's got things she needs to do *" "* oh * * if I was blind, you'd help me see *" " * I lost my mind..." " Well, we can always go for second place." "Second is just the first loser." "* because all I need * * is for you to love me, baby * * put your hands on me, baby *" "(horn honk" "(sighs) Tell Rosie that filthy scrubba, her fish 'n' chips were the best." "I murdered..." "James, can't think of you right now." "Dawson is the moon!" "(Remote control clicks) We let liars die on the table in my I.C.U." "(Click) If there's one thing grams taught me, it's never to tell a lie." "So, yeah, I might have cheated on that test." "But I'd never not tell a good friend who trusted me that strangers were staying in my kick-ass soho loft." "Aah!" "No!" "(Clatters)" "Accidentally flipped to a c-section on TLC?" "I do that all the time." "It's James." "He's on every channel." "I think it's just my guilt." "Maybe he's just on your mind." "It's like when you wanna make love to a bowling pin, right?" "And then suddenly, everybody looks like a bowling pin." "(Cell phone alert chimes) Text from Chloe." "Oh. "I thought about what you said." "Come over to James' place." "I think you'll be happy."" "I bet she decided not to rent out his place!" "If you're looking for a good c-section show," ""Slice of Life" is the best one!" "(Door opens and closes)" "(Horn honks in distance)" "Chloe!" "I know why I'm here." "You wanna tell me that you decided not to rent out James' place because you realized that lies eat your heart!" "Or surprise olive oil tasting!" "Look, I know you were disappointed that you couldn't do this with your mom, so I threw you one here!" "This is way nicer than our place, and I even invited your sister." "Pepper's not my sister." "She's my co-worker." "(Mouth full) Mmm." "June, get this in your mouth now!" "(Gags)" "Mmm!" "Damn!" "You taste that damn rosemary?" " No." " Mmm!" "All I taste are the lies!" "Ooh!" "So serious." "June, I just wanted to thank you for not telling James about this nice family from Minnesota subletting his place." "I'm sorry, but is it normal for the realtor to just come in with friends?" "I am this close to charging you for utilities, Bob." "Chloe, this is not how Honest Colburn's behave." "June, relax." "If you didn't wanna be part of this secret, then maybe you shouldn't have had your olive oil tasting party here." "You're ruining this for your sister." "(Mouth full) You really are, June." "I need guidance, Pastor Jin." "I don't wanna burden James with this right now, but I feel like I'm falling down her lie hole with her." "That's because you are." "An omission is the same as a lie." "(Bell dings)" "Oh." "Are you..." "living in... your office?" "I am." "Mr. Pastor Jin and I have had a parting of the ways." "I am so sorry." "I am, too." "The marriage ended because of me, because of omission." "Every time my husband asked me where I'd been, and I simply said "out"" "instead of "out with Rick Wilkins, the man that make me feel alive again,"" "I was lying." "I see that now." "Tell the truth to the people you love, or you will lose them." "So... should I tell James the truth now, or should I wait?" "'Cause it's kind of like when you borrow someone's car and you accidentally spill coffee down the gearshift and you don't really wanna tell them because they just had surgery..." "Okay, I don't have time for metaphors, June." "I cheated on my husband, okay?" "Ahh!" "(Sighs) Okay, tell the truth." "Better to start small." "(Chimes)" "June." "Mom, I have a confession to make." "I had the olive oil tasting without you." "It was sprung on me." "I'm so sorry." "Okay." "Wow." "That wasn't so bad." "The next call I have to make is much harder." "See, I had the olive oil tasting at James Van Der Beek's place." "Chloe is subletting it out to strangers while James is in Los Angeles, and..." "June, what... what the hell?" "My place is being sublet?" "James?" "Wh... what are you doing in Indiana?" "Indiana?" "I'm not in Indiana." "Your mom's in Los Angeles." "What?" "!" "(Door slams)" "I'm so sorry, honey." "James asked me to come be in the live studio audience, and you know how hard we worked on this..." "But you lied to me!" "Parents lie to their children all the time." "So that stuff about being descendants of Honest Abe?" "You had to write a school paper." "I wanted to make it sound interesting." "What else was a lie?" "Ruff Ruff went to go live on a farm." "Grandma would have wanted me to have her rings if she were lucid." "Mommy and daddy were in the same sleeping bag because it was cold." "Mommy's head was by daddy's feet because he had a splinter." " Ew." " Mrs. Colburn, I'm so relieved to hear you're a normal person instead of some weird honesty freak." "James, I know you're probably mad that I sublet your place." " "Probably"?" " But I was going to use the money to fly out there and see you perform." "And?" "What happened with that?" "What did happen with that?" "Take that anger and channel it towards your dance." "Come on." "Let's get you into your costume. (Exhales)" "June, honey, I am so sorry." "I'm gonna have to go help James with this bomb you dropped." "All the lies all this time?" "I'll call you later, and we will talk this all out." "Wait." "What ever happened to Ruff Ruff?" "We left the garage door open, and your father backed over him." "(Gasps) He's buried under the arbor." "We'll talk it all out later!" "(Singsongy) Bye!" "(June) Mom was lying to me." "My dad ran over my dog." "So much for the Honest Colburns." "(Salsa music playing)" "God, I mean, I'm nervous enough as it is, and now Chloe has strangers staying in my place." "I need to get home." "(Stammers) Those are just things, James." "Right now you are here with people who love you and millions of Americans who are rooting for you to kill the cha-cha tonight." "That is what matters, James." "Things don't matter." "People matter." "No, things matter." "I..." "I... why did I take my people and leave my things?" "I should've taken my things!" "I need to be with my things!" "Okay, what you need to do is calm down!" "I can't calm down!" "All I can think about are loose midwestern hairs..." "(Whispers) in my shower." "James!" "Sit down." "I made you a nice cup of tea." "And just get your head right." "(Slurps)" "Moms always know what to do." "It's something I picked up in Chinatown." "Warm tea is like a hug for your insides." "(Dish clatters)" "How about a hug for my outsides?" "(Laughs)" "You're doing it wrong." "Arms go under his like that." "There you go, baby." "(Siren wailing in distance)" "I had it with honesty." "I'm gonna start lying like everyone else." "I appreciate the fact that you need a donation, and I would love to give to save the children, but I have seven children of my own, and I'm morbidly obese and unable to work." "Tyler!" "Stop hitting your sister and go get me a snack pie!" "Hi, Nancy." "I can't come to our sixth grade reunion because I'm living in France." "I broke up Johnny Depp's relationship." "It's okay." "I just can't be in the charcuterie at the same time as his ex, Vanessa, but it's cool." "Tyler!" "That pie!" "As an N.Y.C. Whiskey Inspector," "I will need to try all of your whiskeys free of charge." "If you could just start from your finest and work your way back, that'd be great." "Thank you." " What are you doing?" " I'm lying, like everybody else." "I told that booth over there that I was the chef here, and then I can't remember who it was, but I told someone in here that I'm a surgeon." "And then those hot guys over there..." "I told them that I was a journalist doing a story on sexy." "That'll pay off later." "This bar is a teat, and I'm milking it." "Okay, here's our first whisky." "It's a single barrel from Scotland." " Let's see." " (Sniffs) Okay." "There's definitely a hint of smoke." "It's iced tea." "You're a terrible liar." "That'll be $16." "(Glass clatters) For iced tea?" "I am not a terrible liar!" "I inherited it from my mother, and she's actually really good at it!" "Stop." "What your mother was doing had nothing to do with bar lies." "Bar lies are supposed to be fun and flirty." "What your mom was doing was a total betrayal of trust." "You know what?" "You're just making excuses." "It's all one big sweaty ball of lies." "No, it's not." "It's different when you lie to strangers than when you lie to somebody who trusts you." "Oh, you mean like how you lie to your friend James and rent out his apartment every time he goes out of town?" "Well... he did ask you to pay Yolanda." "By not asking me, he's saying that I can't be trusted, which is practically giving me permission to rent it out." "He begged me to do it." "Crap!" "I forgot to pay Yolanda." "So we both screwed James." "Aha!" "So you do admit that you screwed him." "You have a conscience, Chloe." "Damn it!" "Ugh." "Blech!" " Iced tea." " Oh, yeah, I got that." "Ugh." "I feel terrible, June." "Okay, so to recap... you lie to no one." "I lie only to strangers in bars but not to friends." "No, no." "No lies ever again." "(Chuckles)" "Thanks, June." "Thanks for making me laugh." "Well, you should at least pay back James for all the money that you made renting out his place." "(Laughs)" "Oh, thanks for making me laugh again." "Oh, right." "No." "(Man) Welcome back to DWTS..." "Earlier, Superman, Dean Cain, flew past the competition, and now welcome James Van Der Beek and Valentina Delgado!" "(Joss Stone) * I guess I'm picky with love *" "(audience gasps) * well, baby, I give up, it's you I choose *" "(under breath) James!" "What are you doing?" "(Knock on door) Oh, my God, James." "What the hell?" "(Knock)" "Is this my house?" " Is this part of the show?" " No, that's not a part of the show." "James, James, get it together." "There are 20 million people watching." "There's too many." "Stop looking at me!" "(Audience gasping)" "Stop looking at me!" "This is a disaster of belvederian proportions." "Do you think it has anything to do with that Chinese tea I gave him?" "I didn't have my reading glasses when I bought it." "Bitch!" "You dosed him!" "Ohh!" "Are my hands made out of pound cake?" "(Music stops)" "I think my hands are made out of pound cake." " People in my bedroom!" " Cut!" "Cut!" "Stop looking at me!" "Look, Van Der Beek's breaking down." "Pull Fred Savage out of makeup now." "*" "(rewinding)" "People." "There's too many." "Stop looking at me!" "Stop looking at me!" "Why are they..." "Oh, my God." "Why are there people in my bedroom?" "!" "This is unbelievable. (Turns off TV)" "(Auto-dials, beep)" "(Phone rings)" "(Groans)" "James, what happened?" "June's mom gave me tea." "With messed-up radish people on the box." "I didn't have my reading glasses!" "How bad was it?" "Be honest with me." "You know, it's actually not that bad." "It is terrible!" "Your whole career is over!" "(Moaning and whimpering)" "(Whispering) Honesty." "Honesty." "(Clenches teeth) Yeah." "I have to be honest." "Yeah. (Door slams)" "Hello." "Hope you've enjoyed this episode of "Apartment 23,"" "because I didn't." "You have any idea how hard I had to work to learn that dance routine?" "And the producers cut it down to, what, like, 20 seconds?" "Unh-unh." "No way." "Not on my watch." "You're welcome, America." "(Woman speaks indistinctly) (Beep)" "(Woman) 5, 6, 5, 6, 7, 8." "(Joss Stone) * I guess I'm picky with love * * well, baby, I give up, it's you I choose * * and don't keep me waiting * * this girl's got things she needs to do *" "* oh, if I was blind, you'd help me see * * if I lost my mind, you'd find it for me * * speak on it, babe, tell me what do you need?" "* * need is for you to love me, baby *"