"Wow..." "Looking good..." "Oh, yeah, nice to see you." "Hey..." "That dress needs dry-cleaning." " Here you go." " Thank you kindly, Monica." "Monica, Monica?" "Oh shit, Hillary!" "Okay..." " Hi, Bill." " Oh hey Snow white." "Where's 11B?" "Bingo!" "What did you say that thing was?" "It's time for a little action." "Monica..." "It's Bill." "I've got some dictation for you, Monica." "I've got a big secret for you, Baby." "How did you get up here so soon?" "Monica." "Oh my eyes!" "." "I can't see!" "Who let you in!" "?" "What happened..." "Where's Monica?" "What happened to Monica?" " How did you get in here?" " She told me where the key was." " I can't see." " Did she say it was ok to dry-hump her roommate?" "She said, you would be in the library cause you were a geek..." "I am not a geek!" "." "God!" "My God." "What was that, mace?" ""Eternity", by Calvin Klein." "I gotta be so careful who I get into bed with from now on." "It would be a big adjustment for you, wouldn't it?" "God!" "I do that every time." "I've invented a solution for that." "Seriously." "It is something that goes around the coffee cup, so you don't burn your hand." "I'm gonna call it "The Coffee Collar"." "Brilliant idea." "I know all about you." "I know you whole wrap." " You do?" " Yeah." "You're a senior... who prays on freshmen." "You've slept with half my floor." " Well, half your floor was female." " Whatever." "And you once met Bono, which I suspect is total bullshit." "No, it's true." "He signed my CD." "It's upstairs in my room with my..." ""Coffee Collar", if you wanna see it." " Are you hitting on me?" " No." "I'm going of your look." " My look..." " Yeah, doggy bull look." " Are you calling me a dog?" " No, it's a theory I have." " Oh, Casanova has a theory." " Yeah." "When a girl is attracted to a guy, she has a look." "It's her tell, like poker." "It's the same look a dog gets, right before you put down the bowl." " You're offensive." "And you're crazy." " No, I'm honest." "I believe honesty is the best policy." "Alright..." "You want me to be honest with you?" " Sure." " I'm majoring in fine art." " Right." " I'm studying the golden proportions of the human face." "And you're nose is bent and and it drips down at the bottom." "A feature that is accentuated by the thinness of your upper lip." "And your eyes, are too far apart, but they have to be to accommodate that bent nose." "And I feel sorry for you, that you have to validate yourself through insatiable-meaningless-ego-sport-sex, with insecure girls like my roommate." "I..." "Would never have sex with someone..." "Like you." "Hey come here!" "That was amazing." " What was?" " The honesty." "That was better than sex without the..." "The crying." " Actually it did feel pretty good." " Yeah, no one's ever been that honest with me before." " It's called a friend." "I'm Tom, by the way." " Hannah." " Hannah?" "That's a palindrome." "Well, good night." "Good night." " Your hands, Clammy..." " Well, I can see that you're knocked out." "Tom, is that you?" "Can I see your Bono-autograph?" "She's all yours, friend." "Monica, get some sleep." "MADE OF HONOR" "Subs by:" "Macco" "What time is it?" "I'm late." "What are you doing tonight?" "I don't do "back to backs"." " Isn't that what we were doing last night?" " No, that was something different." ""Back to Backs" is seeing each other two nights in a row." "You know I don't do that." " Couldn't you just break one of your stupid rules?" " No." " For me." " I'm sorry, but I don't break the rules." "I have a rule about that." "See you next week." "Thanks." " Excuse me." " Sorry." "Can I get a grandee drip, and a decaff, triple grandee, non-fat, extra hot, stirred milk Como Macchiato." "With whip cream, extra caramel." "Fill that 70% of the way." "Thank you." "Here, let me put a "Coffee- Collar" on that." " Thank you." " I hear that the guy that invented that gets a dime for each one used." " You're kidding." "I am not." "That could add up." "I think I picked up yours by accident." "Sorry about that." " That's alright." "Thank you." " Any time." "Bye-bye." "Gloria." "Morning." "Good morning, Hannah." "Coffee, the way you like it." "Perfect timing." "I just finished working on his balls." "That's eh..." "Yeah!" "So I made a reservation." " So what rule is this?" " No "back to backs"." "Isn't that the same as the "no more than once a week"-rule?" "No, the "no more than once a week"-rule works Monday to Fridays." "So theoretically you could have a Sunday night and Monday without breaking it." "Exactly, you got it." "Here we go." "Hey, good morning." "Can I get the steamed buns the scalloped steamed ducklings and the vegetarian and shrimp steamed..." " Thank you." " For what?" "You know how much I love the fried stuff." "You look after me." "Excellent." "So, what did you say?" " She was hurt, but you know..." " But you where honest, right?" "What?" "I was." "I am." "Always!" "I know you are, but it's just shocking to see how you use it as a shield." "Maybe I should lie." "Be more like Dennis Philips, and say whatever it takes to get a woman into bed." " No, do not be like Dennis Philips." " He's so gross." " He only hit on you once." "At my father's funeral!" "Okay, so he's not known for his sensitivity." "Oh, God." "Anyways..." " What?" " Nothing." "I know that "nothing"." "It's not nothing, it's something." " "Anyway"...?" " Anyway we both know, you don't need to lie to get a woman into bed." "Gloria." "I don't wanna lose that." "Can I keep that?" "Thank you." "See there's another rule too." "The 24 hour-rule." "I can't call her for another 24 hours." "Cause then it appears that I'm too desperate." "You know, Dan sent me another letter?" "Asking you to move to Canada and marry him again?" " A slice of apple-crumb pie?" " No, we did that last time." " You guys broke up like a year ago." " 19 months." " You're counting?" " No!" "He is..." "It was in the letter." "Lemon butter cream cup?" "Not feeling the cream cup today." " Cranberry orange muffin?" " Hannah, come on." "You're losing it." " I know, I know..." "Okay." " Think about it." " Come on." "You're disappointing." " I got it, I got it..." " Yeah!" " Wait, I so have it..." "Cream cheese sorrel brownie." "You're so good!" "What do you think of this?" "I think we should get this." "Tom, I am not going to another one of your fathers weddings." "Thank you." "Hannah?" "Please?" "Take one of the girls you've been rubbing up against." ""No weddings or family events"." "That's right." "I forgot that rule." " It gives the wrong impression." " It does." " Is this made with real alligator?" " Yes, baby-alligator." " You should be ashamed of yourself." " Look at you." "Hello there..." "And who would you be?" "I love you." "Yes I do." "I love you." "You're so pretty." "Yes you are." "You're beautiful." "Yes you are." "Your beautiful face..." "I love you, love you, love you." "You should try saying that to a human sometime." "What?" "A human?" "To say it to a human?" "." "You're sweet." "Love you." "Hannah, please." "Come to the wedding." "He gets married and I go." "I go because he's my father and I care deeply for the man." "And everybody knows he doesn't love them, and they don't love him." "It's pathetic, it breaks my heart." "I don't know what to say." "You know when someone's making a mistake and it's not your place to interfere," "You simply say:" ""I'm happy you're happy"." " I'm happy you're happy." " Yeah." "Okay." "I'll do that." "I promise you, this is the last time I'll ask you to come." "And then I'll find somebody else to come to the next funeral." "Hannah, please." "That's cute." " Last time." " Thank you." "Thank you." "She gets the apartment in the city, and 30 grand a month." "Right." "Right, okay." "You get the house in the Hamptons, she's asking for the apartment in the city, and 30 grand a month." " Thirty?" "But..." "Are you still negotiating a pre-nup?" "Now the party starts..." "My son is here!" "Dad, you're getting married in 10 minutes." "Dad, please, I can't breathe." " Did you bring the lovely Hannah?" " Yes, I did." "You know, if you don't act on that pretty soon, you know what I'm gonna do?" " No." " I'm gonna make her my number 6!" "Seven..." "This is number 6." " Yeah." " My God, you are pretty." "Dad!" " I used to be that pretty once." " Dennis, look how pretty my boy is." "Yeah, he's beautiful." "They won't accept a minimum of 5 times a week." " She promised 5, I want 5." " What did she promise you, 5 times a week?" " 4 times?" " Two!" "No, no..." "We're not done yet." " She says 3, with a bi-monthly BJ." " This is disturbing." "4 and make it weekly." "Wait, no..." "Driver go around the block." "We are not even close..." "What was that?" "Come on." "Come on, tell me." " Say what you gotta say." " I'm happy, If you're happy." "No, no... "You're too old for her dad"." ""She doesn't love you, this is embarrassing"." ""You're gonna rack up your fifth divorce"." " Sixth." " Sixth." " I'm happy, if you're happy." " Bullshit!" "Go for 4 if you exercise more." "She says you can't gain any more weight." " Take it." "Deal!" " Deal." "I told her I weigh 10 pounds more than I do." " Ain't love grand?" " Sign the both please." "What's he signing now?" "His current pre-nup and his last divorce-papers." "That's just great..." "Your good." "Thank you." " Cheers." " Cheers." " Did you tell your dad you love him?" " I told him I cared for him." "You can't even tell your father." " I don't get that." " It's a "Guy thing"." "No, it's a "Tom thing"." " You're an "I love you-slut"." " Are you kidding me?" "You say it all the time." "To everybody." " Oh, this looks so good." " Yeah, it looks good doesn't it?" "I should have ordered this. this look good." "You always order better than I do." "It's lemon, right?" "It's good." "I'm ordering that from now on." " No, you won't." " Why?" "I need you to order the chocolate cake so I can have some." " There's my "son"!" " There you go..." "Oh, you're bad boy I'm gonna spank you." "You know what I would like to say to you?" "Is that..." " I want you to listen to me, Tom." " Yeah." "If you need any advice..." " or you need any advice..." " Right." "Or you got girl problems, I don't know..." "I need you to think of me how you would a real mother." " Yeah that's exactly what I..." " Look at this beauty, will you?" "Hello, Sweety" "Drunk as the night I first met her." " You are a bad influence on her." " Me?" " Last shot?" " Thanks." " I'm stealing you away..." " Last one..." " He does know that he can just date, right?" " No, I don't think he does." " To mothers." " To mothers." "Cheers." "Careful." "Nice..." "Oh God..." "Hide me!" " What?" " It's my dad's patient coordinator." "Yeah, don't look, don't look..." "There..." "Don't look!" "She's obsessed with me." "She's created a website called "allthingstom.org"." " A Psycho blogger?" " Yes." "Okay." "Come on..." "Dance with me." " Watch yourself." " She's kind of cute." " Oh stop it." " I'm serious..." "Keep going." "Here." "Right here." "Hide me." "back side, side." "Go, go..." "The last blog was a 2 page description of my face." "See, she doesn't think my nose is too bent or my lips are too thin." " Who said that?" " You did." "When we met." " Well, I lied." " What?" " I thought you were hot." " Really?" "Well, you told me I looked like a dog." "That was just cause I was trying to sleep with you." "Why haven't you since?" "Well..." "I like having you in my life." " ..." " Hi, Tom!" " Oh, hi!" " Did you see the new blog?" "No, we haven't." " Who's this?" " This?" "This is my girlfriend." "Why didn't you tell me you we're seeing someone?" "Because I don't know you." "But we have a really, really open relationship..." " Really?" " You know?" "I wanted to talk to you about that," " princess." " Princess?" "I..." "I don't wanna be with anybody but you." "I don't know if I'm really quite ready to make that commitment..." " Are you?" " You know my rules..." " I'm bit of an emotional retard." " Yeah..." "I think I need to start a new blog now." " That is so scary." " She's psychotic on top of P.." "Oh, this is not good." " Saia da minha frente." " Ei!" "Okay, good..." "She's gone." "Perfect." "Let's go." "Good, come on." "What?" "Do you remember that ancestral home in Scotland, with those amazing paintings I told you about?" " It's all I think about." " Stop it, Tom." "I finally got the board to sign of on making editions to a permanent collection." "Really?" "But they want me to go to Scotland for an aquisitionship." " When are you going?" " A couple of days." " Couple of days?" "For how long?" " Six weeks." "That's a long time." " That's great." " You think?" "Yes, it's a great opportunity for you." "You're like the "museum maiden of the Met"." "It's got a good ring to it..." " Thank you." " Congratulations." "Six Sundays." " That is six Sundays." " What am I gonna do without you?" "I can just imagine." " Yeah..." " What are you doing?" " I'm gonna jump!" " No, no." " I'm gonna jump." " Jesus!" "Six Sundays, how can I live without you?" "Can you not take anything seriously?" " Yeah, I can." " Get down." " Let's get you another drink." " I think I've had too many already." " Thanks for coming to the wedding." " It was a ball," " I can't wait for number seven." " It's coming up soon, I have a feeling." "We also ask at this time that you turn off all your electronic devices." "Please leave your cell phones turned off for the duration of the flight." " I'm not gonna be able to play today, man." "If we don't have a fourth, we are gonna end up playing with "Tiny-Shorts Guy"." " So?" " Hey, how's it going?" " Need another?" " No, our friend Paul," " with longer shorts, is coming." " Right." "No, Jenny signed him up for some art walk thing..." "Art walk?" "Are you serious?" "Tell me something," "What do you think Jenny did with his balls when she cut them off?" "Come on, guys, marriage isn't that bad." "I agree." "Without marriage there would be no divorce, and without divorce I wouldn't have my condo in Aspen." "Bingo." " Good one." " What is he?" "I'm serious, man." "Your missing out on the best parts of life." " The most important part of life." " This coming from the guy who's wife won't let him own porn." "He's gotta wank off to the underwear section of the Sears catalogue." "I thought we weren't gonna talk about that?" "What's the matter with you?" "You are single and you've been single, ever since..." "What was her name?" " Sophomore year." " Plim..." "Pimpkin, Pimpkin, that's it." "Pimpkin dumped you for him." "Sophomore year, you've never been the same you haven't been able to sleep." " Scarred..." " Yeah." "You have no idea, how nice it is to have someone who is gonna be there, no matter what, whatever." " Snaps to that." " And you don't know how nice it is to sleep with a different girl every night." " That's true." " Nice recital." "You got the best of both worlds, Tom." "No, it's true." "I can sleep with whoever I want," "But I still get to hang out with Hannah afterwards." " Perfect setup." " Yeah, well maybe not for Hannah..." " What's that supposed to mean?" " Come on, Tom." "She's a woman." "Yeah, I got that." " You sure?" " Yeah." "Tom, she's pushing 30." "You think her idea of" ""Happily ever after" is coming home to you and hanging out after you got laid?" " Makes you think, right?" " Yeah." " Hallo?" " Hey." " Hi." " How's the weather in England?" "It's great." "Only I'm in Scotland." "Right, right." "So it's sunny?" "It's 3 in the morning." " Oh, right." "Sorry." " So it's dark." " Yeah." "Have you seen the Loch Ness Monster?" " I know, terrible joke..." " Was there something important?" "Yeah." "You'll never guess what happened." " What?" " They filled in the pot hole." " The pot hole?" " On 83rd." " Terrific..." "Hey, Tom?" "." " Yeah?" " I'm gonna go back to sleep now." " Ok." "Sure." "Love you." "Good night..." "Call me tomorrow." " This stuff's all old..." " Yeah, that's the point." " Let's go to Fendi..." " Fendi?" "No." "We're here, let's just stay here." "I'm not into old stuff." "Why do you talk like a six-year-old?" "I'm not." "The line is too long..." " Can't we just go somewhere else?" " No." "This is the best bakery in the world." "That's why it's worth waiting in line." "Come on." "We'll play a game." " Wanna play a game?" " Yeah, I can play a game." "Okay." "Good." " Tell me what to order." " Why?" "You'll see." "It will be fun." "Make a suggestion." " A cookie." " No, you have to be specific, like what type of cookie..." "A really big cookie." "Tom, your phone's ringing..." "Hallo." "Hallo?" "Hallo..." " What's wrong?" " Just an important call." "That's because you are an important person." "Wait!" "Hey..." "We will have... 2 fried dumplings, 2 of the wantons and 6 of the fried "pork-thingies"." " Yeah." "But that's fried." "It's not healthy." " Oh, come on." "Have some of the fried..." "It won't hurt you." "Thank you." "Move, please!" "." "God." "This is unbelievable." " Hallo?" " Hey, hallo?" " Hallo?" " Hannah?" " Hallo?" " Hey." "Tom?" "Tom is that you?" " Tom?" " Hallo?" "Hallo?" "You're cutting out, I can't hear anything you're saying." "Tom?" "I'm stuck in a thunderstorm." "I'm surrounded by a world of cows." " I'll call you when I get to the hotel..." " I can't hear you." "Tom?" "Hallo." "Hallo!" "Hallo?" "Hallo?" "I hate Scotland." " Having a hard time?" " We're having a hard time..." " Oh yeah?" "Want a hand?" " Thank you, sir." " Yeah." " We would love it." " You'd better sit down, sir." " ..." " Sit down." " Sit, sit, sit." "Here we go." " Thank you." " No, no, thank you." " Thank you." " Have a good afternoon." "You were wonderful." " Desista enquanto pode." " Here we go." " Come on, Scott." " Let's go." "What you got, Gar?" "What you got, Gar?" "What do you got?" " Come on." " What do you got, Gary?" "Foul!" "Foul, Tom!" "What the matter with you today?" "Ahh..." "I think I might have feelings for Hannah." "Come on, come on..." "Let's just play." "It's just..." "Without her, something's off, and it's got me thinking that maybe there's more to life than just sleeping around." " I don't understand..." " I'm not following..." "Come on, let's just play." "Come on." " I'll take it out." " I know exactly what you mean, Tom." "Thanks." "Here you go." "I'm gonna tell Hannah." "When she gets home," "I'm gonna tell her that i wanna be with her, not marriage, just be together." "Yeah, that's romantic..." "You have one unheard message" "Hey, Tom." "I'm back." "God, I cannot wait to see you." "I don't care what you're doing tonight, cancel it." "We're going to dinner." "Meet me at that new trendy place, next to the small Greek place we hated, that used to be the Thai-fusion place we loved." "Meet me there 8 o'clock, I have so much to tell you." " Hey, what have you got?" " Hey Buddy." "I'll find you something." "Alright..." "Here's something." "How many do you want?" " I'll take the yellow ones." " Good choice." "Ten bucks." " Here you go." " Thanks." " Have a good night." " I will." " Sorry, is she already here?" " Over there." "Yeah, thanks." "Oh, God!" " Tom, are you okay?" " I'm alright." "Are you alright?" "I think I have a broken rib." " Your flowers, sir." " They're not mine!" "I'm fine, I'm okay!" "." " I'm okay." " Are you okay?" " I'm so sorry." " You alright?" " Here are your flowers." " What, what..." " You had flowers?" " They're not my flowers." " They're your flowers." " I didn't have flowers." " Hi!" "It's so good to see you!" " I've missed you." " Great." " Come here, there's someone I want you to meet." "Oh good." "It started pouring and suddenly it was just me in a field of cows." "And, of course we're in Europe so there's no street signs anywhere" " and it's getting dark..." " And then she thought she was in some bad werewolf movie." ""Stay off the moors, Lassie"." "Anyway... all of the sudden, out of nowhere, Colin comes riding up on horseback." " Can you believe it?" "A horse." " Oh..." "He asked me if I needed any help." "You were a "Lady in distress", what was I supposed to do?" "It was right out of a Bronte-novel." "So anyway..." "He shows me to this charming little Inn," "Were he proceeds to buy me the most awful dinner I've ever had." "It was pretty bad, even by Scottish standards." "Then we just spend the next month travelling around the country, getting to know each other, visiting museums..." "It was.." " Perfect!" " Perfect!" "So..." "When it was time for Hannah to leave, I just..." "I don't know, I just..." "Couldn't let her go." " So I got down on one knee..." " And he proposed." "And I accepted!" " Wow!" "That's just..." "Huge, it's..." " So the wedding's coming together very quickly." " Sounds like it." " We're gonna be married in Scotland," " At Colin's parents summer home." " It's gonna be a pretty small thing." "We can't expect too many people making the trip over sea, just for a night." " The Fourth?" " Right." " That's two weeks!" " It's crazy, isn't it?" " Have you ever been to Scotland, Tom?" " You know, I haven't." " You should see the wee church we're gonna have." " It's the same one Colin's parent's were married in." "It's pretty spectacular, just a walk from my distillery." " Distillery?" " Colin's family owns the largest whiskey distillery in Scotland." "Tom.." "Look, If you're getting married I expect to be your "Best Man"." "Tom..." "Will you be my "Maid of Honor"?" "Your "Maid of Honor"?" "Sorry." "What is it with you, man?" "I didn't..." "Excuse me..." "Excuse me!" "Did you see that?" ""Made of Honor"?" "That's fun stuff!" "But you're a guy!" "Go ahead..." "Just get it out." "So, what did you say?" " Did you say yes?" " No!" " No?" " I didn't know what to say." "I told her I'd think about it." "You need to think about whether your dress is gonna make your ass look big!" " Give me a break, come on!" " Okay." "Alright, let me think." " Is she really in to this guy?" " You should have seen them." "Staring at him all moony like he shits unicorns." "That's not good, man." "I'm thinking you're gonna have to do this." "You're gonna have to be the Maid of Honor." " What?" " Yeah, I'm serious." "Think about it, this will give you an excuse to be around Hannah all the time." "Helping her out, being "the man behind the curtain"..." "You'll be her confident." "And you can use that time to point out to Hannah that this is really crazy." " And that she doesn't even know this guy at all!" " No, I'm not gonna do that." "No way." " What?" " No." "Look, I don't know what your other options are." "You got a better chance of stopping this wedding, from "inside" than from another continent." "And they say that you can shorten this and wear it again, if you like." "Come on man." "If you're serious and you really want Hanna back from this guy," "You're gonna have to do whatever it takes." "Whatever." " The dress is beautiful." " Thank you!" " I am so happy you're gonna do this!" " My pleasure." "For this wedding, I am willing to do whatever it takes." " I'm so excited!" " Yeah, me too!" "So let me tell you who the other bridesmaids are gonna be." " Okay!" " Okay." "Stephanie..." " Stephanie, great." " And she loves you!" " Good!" " And my friend Hillary, from camp." "Hillary, I don't know Hillary." " She's the best" " Okay." " And Melissa." " Oh, no!" " I had to, Tom, she's my cousin." " No, she hates me!" " Well, you broke her heart." " She broke my nose." " It was an accident." " She hit me with her fist!" "I was completely honest with her." "I said: "Look, nothing serious"." "And she agreed." "So sometimes our hearts don't match our mouths." "That's good, you should put that in your vows." "And, she's been wanting to be my maid of honor since we were 5 years old, so now she's really gonna hate you." "Here they are now." "Okay." "Well as your Maid of Honor, I promise to keep the peace." "Oh, hi!" "Yes!" "The bride to be!" " Hello, you must be Tom." " And you must be Hillary." "You look gorgeous." "Stephanie, how are you doing?" "So good to see you." " Are you kidding!" " It's you, Melissa." "Look at that..." " This was great." " This isn't awkward..." "Go on." "I'm gonna be fine." " Tom, have you met Colin yet?" " Yes." " Isn't he dreamy?" " Absolutely." "Could someone please pass me the Splendor?" "Could someone who's not a misogynist, please pass the Splenda?" " Hallo?" " Thank you, Stephanie." "It's Colin, you guys." "Hi, babe!" "Just a sec..." "Hi!" "So cute!" "We only have 9 days before we leave for Scotland," " so we have to act quickly." " Exactly." "I've been a "MOH" 6 times, so I'll organize everything that needs to be done, even though I'm not officially the "MOH" here." " What is a "MOH"?" " M-O-H." "Maid Of Honor." " Yes!" " Oh, yes." "That's clever." "No, it's going great." "Very smoothly." "So we got the bridal shower bachelorette, dress fittings," " The "kilt"..." " I'll do the "kilt"." " Okay... perfect." " Okay." "Shopping for Hannah's true self..." " That's gonna be great." " So, what is Hannah's true self?" "It's lingerie." "For her wedding night." "How do you expect to be a good "MOH" if you don't even know that." " She's talking to me." " No, I didn't!" "." " You just did." " Oh, I'm sorry, Tom." "Did I break a rule?" "How about we focus on the wedding part?" " Good idea." " Just for now..." "Okay, I need, dress sizes." " I'm a four." " Okay." " Eight." " Sorry?" "." "You know, Hillary..." "Do you think that maybe you'd just be more" " comfortable in like a, twelve?" " No, it will be fine." " I'm doing the Dr. Riverbed fast." " Oh, yeah!" " Yeah." " What is that?" "Water, peach raising/apple pectin /shark extract," "And Lowry's Seasoning Salt." " What about food?" " Look," "I'm going to look amazing in that dress, I am going to meet a Scottish man, and..." "I'm gonna be happy!" "Write down an eight!" "Got it." "What's your dress size, Made Of Honor?" "I don't know." "What's your jock size, Melissa?" "That's enough!" "Enough!" "Sorry." "But will you guys look at Hannah, please." "She's happy, finally." "So please, for Hannah, let's all just get along, put a smile on our faces and pretend everything's perfect!" " Here she comes." " Okay." "Fine." " What did he say?" " He's so sweet!" "Isn't that great?" "How's it going?" " Good, really good." " Fantastic." " And it's pretty much done." " Perfect, really?" " Tom." " Yes?" " Here." " What is this?" "She does bridal shower entertainment." "And I hired her for Stephanie's sisters shower, and Hannah loved it." "She reads Tarot cards and stuff." "That's great." "Thank you, Melissa." "I'm not doing it for you, I'm doing it for Hannah." "Okay." "Thank you, for Hannah." "It should have been me..." " I'll talk with you tomorrow." " Okay." " Bye, Tom." " Goodbye." " Bye, Hillary." " Nice meeting you." "You too, bye." "I just had a very nice bonding moment with Melissa." " Can I ask you a favor?" " Sure." "My mother and grandmother are coming in to town tomorrow," "And I have so much to plan..." "I was wondering if you and the boys could entertain Colin for the day." " Entertain him?" " Yeah, just kind of get to know him and stuff." " Sure." " Cool." "So are you more proud of "Scotch Tape" or McDonald's?" "I think they're both American." " So wait, you invited this guy to play ball with us?" " Yeah, he's the competition." "I need to get to know his strengths and weaknesses." "I like his green shirts." "Is that like a poly blend kind of thing?" "Yeah, it's my shirt" " It's your shirt?" " Yeah." " Looks good on him, huh?" " Yeah, real good." "Why don't you play with him?" "Thanks." "Colin, have you ever played basketball before?" "We would call this "netball", back in Scotland, it's more of a woman's game, so, no I don't have much experience." " Hi, I do." "Need one more?" " We're good." "Alright." " Alright, "girls", you ready?" " Yeah, I am." "Oh." "Use your hands." " You alright there?" " Yeah, I'm fine." " I'm open." "I'm open." " Here we go." "You gotta hold on to the ball, man!" "Hold on to the ball." "Homos!" "Homos!" "Homos." "Let's get the Scottish girl out if the tree." "You wanna start a game cause you didn't get that." "There you go." "Open." "Open." "Here you go." "That was good." "Good." "Good." "Amiga." "Shoot it." "Guys." " I like it!" " I'm sorry." " Come on!" " Get on the path." "You ok?" "Ok, basket." "Put it in the basket!" "Put it in the basket!" " You know what I'm learning?" "The guy's a chump." "Yeah." " Wow, "Fault"." " There it is." "That's it." "That's it!" "That's it!" "We got it now." "Hey, I look good now, don't I?" "Here we go." "Put it in the basket!" " In the basket!" " Take a shot, chief!" " Sorry, guys." " Did you see that?" "Probably not allowed to just stuff it in like that." " He dunks the ball." " Sorry." "Sorry." "He dunks the ball..." "That was awesome!" "You can dunk!" "He can dunk!" "That is awesome." "If that's allowed, why don't you guys all do it?" "If we could, we would." "Right?" " Play?" " Guys." " No." " Yeah!" " Score!" " Yeah." " Yes!" " Good game, yeah, good game." "My brother!" " Looks like you're getting more competition.." " I know, I know..." "I love this guy!" "Shit." " You alright?" " Yeah." "What happening?" "My boy's got mad cow disease." "We have got to get some dirt on this guy." "I got a guy I use when a spouse suspect infidelity." "Everybody's got skeletons in the closet." "Nobody is squeaky-clean," " and my guy's the best." " I don't know, it just seems so cheap." "Don't worry, I'll charge you double because you're rich." "I mean, it's a cheap thing to do." " He play's cheap, you gotta match that." " How does Colin play cheep?" "That whole thing with Hannah, being Scottish." "Making her fall in love with him in Scotland." "That "monster thing" of his." "Fine." "Get the dirt." "That's cool." "Van Wyck Expressway Kennedy Airport 1.5 mile" "What's he gonna do, eat her?" "Come on, come on." "Take a breath." "Take a..." "Thanks, Tom." " Yeah, have a great flight." " Right." "Thanks, mate." "Come on..." " I love you, Colin." " Bye." "Bye." " Yeah..." " My God." " Need some chap stick?" " Yeah..." "So..." "What church should we go to?" "Grace's Church." "Thank you so much for coming with me to meet the reverend." " No problem." " He is the sweetest man..." " Yeah?" " Yeah." "He married my parents and insisted on coming to Scotland to do my wedding." "Why didn't Colin stay and do this with you?" "It was more important for him to go back to Scotland to partition" "The Grand Council so Colin and I could get married." "I don't know." "Grand?" "What does that mean?" "I'm not Scottish and his family is kind of..." "What?" "Royalty." "Royalty?" " Royalty?" "Is he like a King?" " No!" "." "No, he's a Duke." "A Duke?" " Hannah, darling." " Reverend Foote." "And this must be the lucky young man who is marrying our beautiful Hannah." "Oh, no." " I'm not marrying him" " No..." "This is Tom, my "Maid Of Honor"." " Maid of Honor?" " Yes." "How about that..." "We have many gay and lesbian members of the congregation." "Welcome." " Thank you." " Thank you, Reverend." "So..." " Let's talk about the wedding." " Okay." "I need to get some details about you and..." " Colin." " Colin, yes." "I want to work it in to the ceremony." "Okay." "It was such a whirl wind." "Really..." "Yes, enlighten me." "Tell me about it." "Hannah, darling." "Hannah, I think it's important to dig deep her for the vows and tell the Reverend all you know about Colin." " All that you love about him." " Okay." "And not just the obvious stuff, but those unique characteristics that are Colin." "Those things that make you laugh and say..." ""That's so Colin"." "Right..." "And then, maybe you could get some information from Colin... and emphasize their unique bond, their shared history." "Off course." "We could talk about love at first sight." "Well, that's always a crowd pleaser, but..." "Hannah..." "Elaborate..." "Tell me more about him." "How you feel about him." "Where did you meet?" " In Scotland..." " Modigliani!" "Your first summer in New York City, you were dating a guy who worked on Wall Street... and he asked you to move in with him and you weren't quite sure..." "And it was right around that time that you "discovered" Modigliani..." "And became obsessed with this painting... of this woman who had this blue scarf on, holding a baby." "And Hannah said: "That painting captured the essence of that woman better than any photograph"." "I can't believe you can remember that." "I also remembered that she freaked, because she said she felt more passionate about that painting than she did but "Mr. Wall Street"..." "And she wondered if she could ever meet somebody that could make her feel this passionate as that work of art." "That's good." "That's good." "Modigliani." "Now I know why you picked him to be "Maid of Honor"." "Yes..." "Come on!" "Who's ready to lose some money tonight!" "Because I'm feeling lucky!" "You guys are late." "How you doing?" " How you holding up, champ?" " Stressed." "What the hell is this?" " Hannah's shower's in the morning ." " Well where are we gonna play?" "We're not gonna play until these baskets get done, and everything else gets done." " What about this party mix?" " That's "pot-pourri"." "This is perfect..." " Come on Felix, take that off..." " Have you ever had one of these?" " That's funny..." " You can't even see." "You'll have to, to sleep with you..." " Take this." " You could be like blinded." "No, I'm not playing with baskets." "It's poker night." "You put "Bayberry" with "Serenity"." " You don't like?" " No, it's interesting." "Just thought it was obvious that "Bayberry" worked best with "Harmony"." "Really?" "I've been putting "Bayberry" with "Tahitian Sunrise"." " That I like." "That's Zen." " Yeah." "You know what I like?" "I like how you put the bat ball right in the center." "I like that so much that I'm gonna see you ball and raise you another ball." "That's a good idea." "We should definitely have 2 balls..." " Yeah." "Do another ball." " Hey, Dennis..." "Come and curl some ribbon." "I can feel my sperm dying inside of me, one at a time." "Shut up and grab a basket." "Come on, it's fun." "I'm going to a strip club to eat some meat." "Then I'm gonna get into a fight." "Call me when you find your balls, Tom." "Alright, tuff guy." "Or maybe they're in the basket, next to the "Tahitian Sunrise"." "Someone's afraid of his feminine side..." "Look at that..." "Nice job with the fluffing." "Look at that." " Perfect." "Perfect." " What is that, my friends." " Look at us." " Come on." " Can't lose." " Good work, huh?" "Hello ladies." "You look lovely today." " Tom!" " Oh, Hillary." "How are you?" "Good." "Everything looks wonderful." "This is the best shower I've ever been to." "Really?" "You think so?" "You know what, Hillary?" "You should really eat something." "No, Tom." "I'm fine." "Fine." "I'm okay." "What you ladies would go through to fit in to a dress..." "This pretty much blows your rule out of the water about no women allowed at your place." "What good is a rule if you don't break it every now and then?" "I'm very, very impressed Thank you." "Listen to that." "Gay Gordon's party remix, just for you." "Hear the horn." " It's good isn't it?" " No." "Let me turn it up there..." "It's..." " It's a little loud..." " What?" " It's a little loud!" " Okay." "There you go." "Look at this." "Try this." "Haggis pink." "It's pepper, cheese, chopped up baby lamb lung, and cow pituitary gland." " How are you?" " ..." "It's a Scottish delicacy." "Colin recommended it." "Ladies, ladies." "Look..." "What just came, for Hannah." "It's from Colin, everyone." "Oh wait." "There's a card." "There's a card, a card..." "For: "Hannah"." ""Hannah, my love, this is the extremely rare Scottish floral bud thistle"." "Thistle?" ""They only bloom for 4 hours before they die"." "He must have timed this out perfectly..." "Oh my gosh, when we first met, Colin promised that he would roam at the countryside to find me one, and he did." "Sweetheart, that's the most romantic thing I ever heard." "Thanks mom." "Joan, good to see you." "It's been too long." "Easter, wasn't it?" "Yes." "You slept with our maid." "She told you?" "I didn't know she spoke English." "Yes..." "This is grandma Pearl." "You remember Tom?" " How are you?" " Oh, yes, the fornicator." "That's right." " Okay..." " Tom, this is awesome." " It's great." " Good." "Thank you." "This is even better than my sister's shower." " Oh, really?" " Ahem..." "Everything seems to be doing well." "Yes?" "Sharon would like to know where to set up." " Who?" " The entertainment..." "Ah, yes..." "I mean good." "She should set up over there." "Hello everybody." "Hi, I'm Sharon." "Good to see you all." "Yeah, come on, right down the front." "This was my idea, you know?" "I know how much you loved her from Stephanie's sister's shower..." "Before we start, I would like for us all to take in a deep breath..." "She wasn't at the shower..." " She wasn't?" " No." " And now exhale slowly..." " Really?" "Good job." "It's very important to reset our third eye." "And connect to the primal inside of ourselves," "Before I present the pleasure aids." "Pleasure aids?" "Now..." "These pleasures are best used when in tantric meditative state." "And today, I'm going to show you ladies how to reach your optimal sacred Chakra." "All of these aids are for sale, ladies." "And look what we have here..." "Edible panties." "You look hungry." "Try to snack on these." "There you go." "Now ladies, what pleasure party would be complete without..." "Glow-in-the-dark thunder beads?" "These are terrific." "And for you ladies, today..." "Two for one." "Okay?" "There you go." "Wanna try this out, princess?" "Where do these go?" "From casual writing to evening wear." "Gorgeous!" "Why don't you keep those?" "And they match your ear rings." "Hannah, are you okay?" "You know that I've dreamt of my wedding shower, ever since I was 10 years old?" "No..." "Strangely enough, the image of my grand mom, pearl drape and glow-in-the-dark thunder beads wasn't part of it." "It's not funny, Tom." "Do you have any idea how important this is to me?" "The Gay Gordon, pink Haggis, Dildo-sales woman?" "Just understand something, Melissa set me up." "Oh please!" "There's always an excuse with you." "I never even should have asked you to do this in the first place." "You don't even believe in marriage for Christ sake..." "You know, I might." "I gotta get back." "Melissa's pretty good." "Look, the whole goal here was to convince Hannah that I've grown up, and that she doesn't know anything about Colin..." "That I'm the right man for her." "That did not happen." "Stella." "No, baby." "Don't eat buttons, okay?" "Yeah, but your still the Maid of Honor, right Tom?" "I don't know." "I think she might have fired me." "How does somebody get fired from being Maid of Honor?" "Tell me about it." " You know what?" "I got an idea." " Okay." "To prove to Hannah that you're the only man for her, we have to make you the best Made of Honor, ever." "Right." " I'm out of loss." "Completely stunned." " Great." "My guy couldn't find any dirt on Colin." "This has never happened." "This guy's clean." "Glad that happened to me." "You know, he's got 3 Guinness world records?" " Cool!" " We don't need to know that..." "He's actually got a Medal of Honor." "That's funny, because we got the Made of Honor!" "Let's stay focused." "Look, the point is, we're not gonna get her off this guy." "Yeah, so we need to make this not about Colin." "Yeah, we need to make it about you." " Good..." " You gotta show her" "That you're growing up..." " Finally..." "I am changing." "I am growing up." " Good!" "." "Then this should be easy for you." " Great..." "These are bridal magazines from 18 different countries... each with a feature article on the duties of being the Maid of Honor." "Perfect! "Über Bride"..." "I got these guys in Bangalore that we're outsource to, they translated them over night." " Great." " Nice "appetizers" there, Gary..." " Here's the "Main course"" " What have you got for me?" "My wife Deb is a A-type personality, she has to do everything perfect." " Sure..." " Love her..." " Hate that about her." " Right." "Anyway, she rented this when she was gonna be the Maid Of Honor for her yoga teacher." "This is "the goods"." "You're gonna be wow-ed." "12 Steps Down The Aisle" "Hi, I'm Elisabeth Hasselbeck and I'm just so thrilled you've purchased this program." "And I'm proud of you..." "Because it shows that you're not happy being just an ordinary friend and loved one." "No." "You and I are gonna work together to make you the perfect Maid of Honor." "When we're through, you'll know everything there is to know about dresses," "Crockery, nuptial etiquette and pleasing your bride." "What's the length..." "of the bridesmaid dress?" "No longer than the brides." "What if you know someone won't be able to attend the wedding?" "You got to send an invitation anyway." "Receiving line?" "Receiving line?" "If there's a receiving line, it means I've failed, because Hannah's married." "Right." "It was a trick question." "Who was the runner up MVP in 1974?" "No, these questions all have to do with Tom being the best Maid Of Honor he can be." "Alright." "I thought we were just asking like..." "Questions." "Go sit down." "Basic duties of the Maid of Honor?" "Manage the bridesmaids, carry the ring, and support the bride." "Basic duties as You as the Maid of Honor?" "Show Hannah that I've matured, that I can take care of my responsibilities fully... and that I need to destroy the wedding from within." " What happens if you fail at that task?" " Colin gets her." " What are we gonna do?" " Steal the bride!" " What are we gonna do?" " Steal the bride!" " What are we gonna do?" " Steal the bride!" "Steal the bride!" "And remember..." "Weather it is helping with the seating chart or giving your opinion on the cake, the perfect Maid Of Honor is with her bride every step of the way." "You didn't have to clear your whole day to do all this." "Are you kidding?" "Off course I did." "The perfect Maid of Honor is with his bride every step of the way." "A changed man..." "I am indeed." "I don't even know where to begin." "When choosing a china pattern, you need to think about what type of entertaining you're open to, foods you wanna cook..." "Look." "Now don't be afraid to mix and mash." "It's important, even with different styles and textures." "What you wanna do, is stir up the table." "Make it come alive with color and tenacity." "That's the goal." "Also, at the end of the day..." "You will find Connections." "Thank you very much." "Let's go." "If you think I'm good with plates, wait till you see what I do with linens." " Lingerie, perfect." " What about the linens?" "You'll be able to pick out something for the wedding night." " No!" " Are you crazy?" "You're the perfect person for this job." "Who's taken off more lingerie than you?" "let's put your "whore-ing" to good use." "Good point." "So how did it go with the Scottish Grand Council?" "Great." "Colin got them to approve everything." "Great." "So, I gotta tell you..." "This is gonna sound funny, but..." " I have to thank you." " For what?" "For asking me to be your Maid of Honor." "I know this is gonna sound crazy, but..." "You've really opened my eyes, to the whole idea of marriage." " Yeah, right..." " No, seriously..." " Have you met someone, Tom?" " No." "Then how can you be serious?" "I don't know, I just..." "I don't know." "What do you think?" "Think Colin will like it?" "No... no." " What?" " It's just..." "It's cute." ""Cute"?" "I do not wanna look "cute" on my wedding night." "Just put this on." "Cover yourself up." "That's my coat." " Thank you." " Thank you." "Yeah." "Here let me get you in a cab." "Come on." "I can't believe this is my last day in New York." "What are you talking about?" "I've been meaning to tell you, Tom." "When I leave tomorrow, I'm not coming back." "I've decided to move to Scotland, to be with Colin." " You're leaving New York?" " I am." "It's exciting, you know?" "It makes sense." "He's next in line to take over the family business..." "It's a whole new chapter." " You were amazing today, you know that?" " Oh, yeah?" "Yeah." "I had no idea you could juggle like that." " Yeah, well..." " I mean, women yes, china no." " Yeah, I know." " You're always amazing." "Come here." " See you in Scotland soon, okay?" " Yeah, see you over there." "I'll miss you." "Scotland..." "Come, baby." "He likes you." " Hi." " Hey." " Nice dogs." " This is Hamish and this is Callum." " Callum?" " Yeah." "What kind of dog is that?" " He's a Scottie." " A Scottie?" "That's perfect." "Fuckin Scottie..." "I've never felt like this before." "So hopeless." "So, tell me again, why you agreed to be the Maid of Honor?" "To be with her, make her happy." "Figure out some way to get her off of him." "Maybe that was all wrong." "Maybe he's better for her than me." "He's Scottish, he can dunk, he's perfect." "Nobody's perfect." "But I tell you, this whiskey comes damn close..." "It was a gift from Colin." "He made it." "Swell." "I can't go." "I can't watch Hannah marry this guy." "She's moving to Scotland, I've lost her already." " Crap." " "..." "Love something, set it free"." "Said by a pussy and used by pussies ever since." " Casablanca. "Bogie" put's her on a plane." " Pussy." " "Bogie's a pussy?" " Big pussy." "You know, I've only truly been in love once." "Most amazing woman in the world." "She was my best friend." "But I was young, stupid, and I messed it up." "In my great list of mistakes, that was the greatest." " Who was this?" " Your mother." "When I finally found out how stupid I was and I decided to fight for it..." "I was too late." "She wouldn't take me back." "She was right." "And then it really was too late." "By the way..." "I'm getting another divorce." "Dad..." "Hey..." "Go and get her, you pussy." " What about the dresses?" " UPS are delivering them tomorrow morning." " I gave you the tracking address..." " I got it." "So, Colin and Hannah are gonna meet everyone at the house..." " Okay." " Great." " Thomas." " Yeah?" "Go get 'em, Maid of Honor." " Yeah." " Make this the perfect wedding." " And steal the bride." " Thanks, guys." "Thanks." "Thanks for everything, man." "Thank you so much, alright?" " Alright, baby." " Alright." "Alright, alright." "Get out of here." "I'll see you later." " This is like a fairy tale." " Hannah is SO lucky." " I know." " I wish I was her." " How has she ever found such a great guy?" " We'll come visit her." " I know..." " Look at the time." "What's your name?" "You're a pretty dog." "I love you." " That's his house?" " No, isn't this the summer house?" "The McMurray's have homes for each season." "This summer home, is their smallest." "They also have an Autumn home, a Winter home, a Spring..." "I know the seasons, thanks, buddy." "Somebody's richer thank you, Tom." "I guess you are gonna have to invent something even stupider." "Oh, my God!" "The entire castle was actually build in 1220..." " This is incredible, isn't it?" " Yes..." "Wow..." "Grandma Pearl, Joan, this is my mother, Diedre and my father, Mungo." " How do you do?" " How do you do?" " How do you do?" " Nice to meet you, Joan." "Pleasure." " Thank you." " Nice to meet you." "Everyone, I want you to meet someone who is so special to my Hannah and who has been her life-long friend, and now her Maid of Honor, Tom." " Hi, how is..." " Did he just say he's the Maid of Honor..." "He's a bloke?" "!" " How do you do?" " Very good, thank you." " Mungo." " Mungo, pleasure." "Thank you." "Definitely gay." "And these are the bridesmaids." "Hillary, Stephanie and Melissa." " How do you do?" " Hello." " Hi." " Nice that you could come." "How do you do?" "How do you do?" " So... what do you think?" " I think, they think I'm gay." "Look can we get together, talk, catch up?" " Tom, do wanna see your chamber?" " Love to." " Okay, follow me" " Thank you." "Thank you." "Thank you!" "Now then..." "I think just a few more sprigs of jipsoffle at the front there..." "Lovely." " What do you guys think?" " Oh!" "." "It is gorgeous..." " It is so pretty..." "With the veil..." " So shiny, and the volume..." "Tom..." "What do you think?" "Of...?" "The hair!" "Yeah, it..." "This sash will go on the dress." " Really?" " Tradition!" "What's up with that?" "Well..." "I'm not.. entirely sure..." "Oh no, you see..." "It's attached up here..." "Tom, you're the Maid of Honor, it's good to just be supportive..." " I'm supportive." " I don't think you are." " No, I am." " Listen to me..." "You're doing good, you're good..." "Hannah..." "Actually, your hair..." "Looks amazing." " Really?" " Yes." "The games will be starting soon." "Here are your costumes." " Games?" " Costumes!" " Our costumes?" " What do you mean, games?" "The Highland games." "It's a tradition, in honor of the wedding." "It goes right back to the time when the groom had to prove that he was man enough to deserve the bride." "If he didn't win, he didn't get the bride." "No problem for my Colin..." "Welcome, one and all to the Highland Games." "Men have travelled from all four corners of this great country to compete in feats of strength and agility." "But only one warrior will be man enough to claim the bride." "One warrior that needs no introduction is our very own Colin McMurray." " Isn't Colin handsome?" " And coming up, here, all the way from America, Hannah's Maid of Honor, Tom." "Who I think you can all agree, is wearing a rather fetching mini-kilt." " Who was in charge of that?" " I have no idea." "They're really giving their all." "And we're running neck and neck..." "A Scottish man against a Yank." "Ladies and gentlemen, the result of today's Highland Games rests upon the "Cable Toss"." "The competition is down to 2 competitors." "A tree..." "We're tossing a tree?" "What a toss!" "Way to go, Colin!" "Okay, Tom." "Let's see what you're made of!" "The whole competition rests on this throw." "Look at that Yankee!" "." "Alright." "Okay.." "Come on, Tom!" "Oh gosh..." "Okay." "I can do this." "I can do this." "Okay." "Here we go." "Great." "Okay." "Okay." "Here we go." "Here we go." "Here we go, Oh..." "Watch out, watch out." "That's gonna cost the Yank the gold medal." " What an ass!" " And the winner of the Highland Games is, our very own Colin McMurray!" "That's great." "*For my love is like a melody*" "*That sweetly played in June*" "*As fair art thou, my bonny lass* *say deep in love am I*" "*And I will love thee still, my dear* *till all the seas gang dry*" "*And I will love thee still, My dear*" "*Though t'were 10 thousand miles*." "Well done, My boy." "Well done!" "That was so...!" "Well done, my boy." "Robert Burns, who wrote that song, is Scotland's most famous poet." "No, no, Auntie." "We haven't had any "bairns" yet, so we haven't got any names yet." ""Bairns" means children." "I'm so sorry, I'm having a hard time understanding your accent." " "Ethel"." " Excuse me?" "It's a name, for the children." " "Ethel"." " "Ethel"..." "Little Ethel." "Yeah." "We won't be naming our child Ethel." "Maybe if he was a teenager..." "My mother's third cousin was the Duke of Ethel." "We're a long line of "Ethel's"." "Maybe..." "Maybe we'll keep it in the mix, maybe as a middle name..." " So, Hannah, do you like the venison?" " It's delicious." "Colin shot it." "He's a wonderful Shot." " Stop, mum." "You'll make me blush." " And this is the moment." "I've just remembered." " What moment is that?" " When Colin killed the deer." "I filmed it." "Right between the eyes." "In fact, everything we are eating this evening, Colin has killed." " To Colin!" " To Colin." "In your honor, Hannah." "That is so thoughtful..." "I'm so sorry, I didn't kill anything for you..." "Gosh..." "What did you get?" " Uhm..." " I love chocolate!" "Don't..." "Don't do that." "You want some..." "Here." "I'll give you some." "Excuse me." "Reverend..." "Excuse me, sir." "There you go." "Wonderful dinner, by the way." " Delighted, Tom." " And your wife is beautiful." "Thank you very much." " Thanks." " Cheers." "A little birdie tells me that Colin personally slayed each one of these reindeer heads..." " Tom..." " Alright." "I say "a little birdie told me", He would have told me, but Colin shot it." "Listen, seriously..." "Can we go somewhere private and talk?" "It's important." " Yeah." " Should we go?" "Bagpipes..." "Oh, My God..." "He's been playing the bag pipes ever since he was 3 years old." "Practices every night." " Every night?" " Never misses!" " What kind of necklace is that?" " They're glow-in-the-dark thunder beets." " Hi, mom." " I have something for you." " Some evening, huh?" " Yes..." "This is so you can have a little piece of home with you." "Thank you." "Look at you..." "There's you and Melissa." "You were about 5 there." "Do you remember this?" "It was taken at the lake, when you father broke his arm, because of that silly motorcycle of his." " I miss dad so much" " Me too, Sweetheart." "I just wish that he could have been here." "He was always so worried, I was never gonna meet anyone." " No, he wasn't." " That's Paris." "He could be so "off days" sometimes..." "What?" "Well, it's just..." "He was always convinced that you were gonna marry Tom." "Really?" " I'll see you in the morning." " Good night, My Angel." "It's pulling off a band aid." "You just have to close your eyes and do it." " I just haven't found the right time." " What are you talking about, "right time"?" "Anytime is the right time to say "I love you, marry me"." " Right." " Come on, what are you there for, man?" "Take the shot, win the game and bring her home!" "And stop running up my long-distance phone bill with these crazy calls!" "." "Right, right okay." "Thanks, Felix." "God, come on." "You can do this, Tom." "What's wrong with me?" "You can do this." " Hey." " Hey!" "I thought we could go for a walk and work on the vows." " Good idea." "I need some help." " Good." "Okay." " What do you think?" " I think a lot of things." "I've been working on them all week and I actually think they're getting worse." "At first I went for the "emotion", I thought: "What if Colin does it"?" "Then I tried to be funny..." "I don't know if Scots have the same sense of humor as Americans." "So now I am back to something basic and I totally think I've geared off into something boring..." "I'm crazy about you." "I think of you all the time and I wanna spend the rest of my life with you." "Really?" "Really." " That's so "generic"." " Generic?" " Yeah!" " Generic?" " It totally is!" " How can that be generic?" "It sounds like something you're supposed to say instead of what your really feeling." "Alright." "How about..." "Nobody in the world makes me laugh the way you do." "You're my best friend." "I just wanna be with you." "Look, look!" "There she is!" "Let's go, let's go!" " Hannah, let's go!" " What is this?" " It's her "taking out"." " Her..." "What?" "We dress her up and then we parade around one of the pubs in town." " That's weird..." " It's tradition!" " Really?" " Then we fill a toilet with salt and we sell your kisses for change." " Sell your kisses?" " Yep." "Come on, it's like a Scottish Bachelorette-party." "Okay, Okay..." " Okay, come on!" "Change for kisses!" "Right there..." "Instead of Whiskeys." "It's her "taking-out"!" "She's got the breath of an angel." "One more, alright, alright." " Another!" " Another!" "Thank you." "This is all I have." " Oh, my God!" "My God, you guys!" " Let's go!" "We have to get more kisses." "Kisses!" " I can't take it anymore!" " What are you doing?" " Let's do it again." " No!" " For old time's sake..." " Don't take that off." " I need to make this up to you..." " Don't... take... this." "No, I'm really unhappy." " That's fine." " Tom..." " It's okay." "It's okay..." " I'm not happy at all." " Get up..." " And I am in a really... confusing place in my life right now..." " Confusing?" " Listen..." " I have had some whiskey..." " I can tell." "And I need you to "service" me." " "Service" you?" "I not gonna "service you"..." " "Service me", bitch!" " Oh, my..." ""Service me"!" " Be quiet!" " You be quiet." "Everyone's sleeping..." " Get down." " You can't get down." "You can't..." " Be quiet!" " You be quiet." "No." "No!" "Get off!" "Wait..." "Wait..." " Hannah..." " Bring me more whiskey." "Hannah." "It's Tom, let me in." "Let me in." "Go away, Tom." "No." "Let me explain." "It's not what you think." " It doesn't matter now." " Yes it does." "Why did you..." " Just..." "Go!" " I'll go." "Just tell me, why did you come to my room?" "Hannah..." "Why did you come to the room?" "To talk about that kiss." "Please, don't..." "Don't marry him." " All these years, Tom..." " Don't marry him..." "All this time..." " You're doing this now?" " I know..." " How can you do this?" " I'm sorry..." "Just let me in." " No." "I can't." " Let me in." "You're only doing this now because you are afraid of losing me." "I need someone who's gonna be there for me, no matter what happens." "Someone who truly..." "Loves me." "Someone I can trust." "I'm marrying Colin tomorrow..." "Tom." "I can't be your Maid of Honor." "I can't give you away." "I'm sorry, Hannah." "I'm sorry, you and Tom had a fight." "I'm his best friend." "He's just afraid of loosing me." " He'll get over it." " Ay." " Suck it!" "Suck it." " I am!" " Okay." "Suck it in." "Breath in..." " Hold it..." " I'm trying, my God.." " I'll hold it in." " Okay." "Alright, alright." " Give it to me.." " 1, 2, 3..." " Is it?" "..." " Oh, My God!" " It fits, it fits!" " It fits!" " Well done." " Oh no." "No, no..." " My God... no..." " Why are we stopping?" " An early flock." "A..." "What?" "Hi, Sweetheart." "I remember you." "Hey." "Hi." "I love you too." "Thank you." "Turn around, I have to go back." "Oh, no." "Oh no." "Shit..." "Shit!" " Hey, I need another ferry-boat." " We only got the one ferry." " What?" " And it's waiting over there for the ceremony to finish." " Is there another way to get there?" " You can drive." " Drive..." "How long?" " It will take about an hour and a half..." " That's too long." " You can swim." " Swim?" ".." " Or you can go on trip around the shore." " That will take a wee while." " Shore, right..." "A horse!" "A horse." "Hey, I need your horse." " My horse?" " Yes." " Come down from there." " I need to get to the church." "What do think you're planning, you great fool?" "You'll hurt yourself." "I'll give you 3 cents for every coffee collar used worldwide." " What?" " Do you have any idea how much money that is?" "Good luck to you, then." "Her name's Nancy." " I'll see you over there" " Thanks." "Nancy, let's go!" "Stick to the shore..." "Pass the monument, the church is on the left." "What, in the name of the wee man, is a "Coffee collar"?" "Go, Nancy!" "This is just what this nice dress needs... and it goes across the dress." "It looks really beautiful." "Please, be seated." "We are gathered here together, in the sight of God..." " Give me your pin..." " to witness this congregation..." "To join together this man..." "This is a celebration of love." "For Colin, it's through the memories of seeing his parent's love." " ..." "As a child." " It looks very nice." "And for Hannah, it's through the paintings of Modigliani." "Therefore, if any man can show just cause why these two may not be joined together..." "Let him now speak, or forever hold his peace." "Tom?" "Tom?" "Tom!" "Tom!" "Tom?" "Tom!" "Tom..." "Tom!" " Are you okay?" " Yeah, I think so." " Tom, what are you doing here?" " I have to tell you something..." "Hannah..." "Your hair looks awful." " It does?" " Yeah." " What?" " And the sash..." "It sucks." "But that hair..." " It's like a co-op for parakeets." " What?" "Look..." "Hannah..." "I pride myself with being honest with everybody." "But there's somebody I've been lying to for a very long time." "Myself." "Because the truth it's..." "It's scary." "And 10 years ago I got in bed with the wrong girl." "She turned out to be the right one." "I love you, Hannah." "I always have..." "And I always will." "Thomas Bailey..." "You are the worst Maid of Honor of all time." "Oh, no." "I'm..." "So..." "Very, truly, sorry." "I don't expect you to ever forgive me." "Just so you know..." "You are the perfect guy." "Just not the perfect guy for me." "Goodbye, Hannah." "Colin..." " What did she say?" " She said I should dick you." "Oh yeah, that makes sense..." "Arsehole!" " I do." " And Tom, do you take Hannah" " to be your lawfully wedded wife?" " I do." "Now, this is the moment." "I now pronounce you husband and wife." "At last..." "You may kiss your bride." "Oh my God." " Number six?" " Seven." "You're absolutely glowing tonight, grandma Pearl." "Thank you." "It's very nice of you to say so." "What are you doing?" "I'm just making sure I got the right girl this time." "You do." "Definitely." " Oh, Monica..." " Oh, Bill..."