"Fine, thanks, and I see the Pavarotti tribute is coming along." "How far did you run?" "I don't know exactly." "I couldn't find my pedometer." "You haven't seen it, have you?" "No, but I have found this magic watch that makes sweaty women appear." "How do these things work?" "Every time it shakes, it registers a footstep." "How come it says 12 and a half miles?" "You really have to shake those ketchup bottles, don't you?" "♪ Yeah not going out" "♪ Not staying in" "♪ Hanging around with my head in a spin" "♪ But there is no need to scream and shout" "♪ We are not going out" "♪ We are not going out. ♪" "Sorry." "What you doing all this running for anyway?" "I'm just trying to get fit." "Not as young as I used to be." "All the best things improve with age." "Fine wines, cheese, dirty old women." "How old are you exactly?" "How old do you think?" "No chance." "It's a simple question." "What, like how heavy do you think I am?" "That was different, I wasn't expecting the answer in tonnage." "Come on, guess." "I'm never going to get it exactly right." "I'll let you get it within two years." "I'll get back to you then." "You're 31." "I'm 29." "Well, that's all right then." "I'm just two years out." "They were the wrong two years." "Always play safe, always go under what you think." "I did." "So, when are you 30?" "Next week." "You kept that quiet." "It may have been a milestone in the workhouse you grew up in, Lee, but life expectancy is a bit higher here." "So, what you doing to celebrate?" "I tell you what I'm not doing." "Staying here and being told that by 30, I should be married with kids." "I'm going to Venice." "On your own I assume?" "Oh, do you now?" "Well, you know what they say about assumptions... they make an ass out of you and...'umptions'..." "Well, you haven't got a boyfriend." "Not that I know of." "The world is full of things you don't know of... art, poetry, soap." "I watch Hollyoaks, that's all three." "Not to mention a damn good work-out on the pedometer." "Does Lucy tell you things?" "You know, personal stuff." "Of course, she's my sister, she tells me all sorts of private matters." "Like what?" "She showed me her electric bill recently." "That's fairly personal, I wouldn't want anyone looking at my utility bills." "Why, what have you been doing, gassing kittens?" "It's not personal to show someone your bills." "So you'd be happy for someone to see your telephone bill?" "That's different." "That's true, there's no-one at Powergen who promises to be wet and wild for £1.50 a minute." "It'd be quite dangerous for a start." "We've been through this, I thought soapy Jane was somebody who gave you updates on Eastenders." "You know its Lucy's 30th next week, don't you?" "Of course, I'm surprised you do." "Didn't think you kept track of people's birthdays." "I do actually." "So when's mine?" "14 of June." "Wow." "See, I do take an interest in other people, I like to think I've got some..." "It's 9 of March." "Thank God for that." "I thought I'd gone psychic." "Actually, muggins here has been lumbered with organising a big party for her." "You, organise a party?" "Yes, me, I'm not 12, you know." "Well, why have you been left to do it?" "Mum and Dad said I had to." "You couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery." "Is that what she's got her heart set on?" "I don't mind helping." "How is the invisible juggling going, Daisy?" "I don't like using the hand driers, they make my hands really..." "Dry?" "Yes!" "Do you get that too?" "They should warn you about that, shouldn't they?" "If you think about it, a piss-up in a brewery would be very hard to organise." "You'd probably be in an out-of-town location, so transport links would be a nightmare." "Then of course there's the health and safety issue." "I've always thought of you as Captain Pedantic." "You've just been promoted to colonel." "Actually, it would be major then lieutenant colonel, then colonel." "Anyway, you'll be pleased to hear that you're off the hook." "She's going to Venice for her birthday." "With who?" "That, Daisy, is the $64,000 question." "Oh, that's a good clue." "Erm..." "Is it Steve Austin?" "Well, that's brilliant, I don't have to organise a party." "Aren't you bothered she's going with someone you've never met?" "Don't stick your nose in where it's not welcome, that was good advice at Crufts and it's good advice now." "There's nothing wrong with protecting your friend's interests." "I'm going to find out who it is." "It's not like I'm going to start reading her diary or anything." "She has got a diary actually." "Has she?" "Yes, she keeps it by the bed." "I've read it." "Have you?" "Yeah." "Does it mention a boyfriend?" "Erm...it does actually, his name is Peter." "How does she know him?" "He is the son of the family that's hiding from the Nazis." "Right." "Has Lucy got a diary that's been written by her?" "Oh, I don't know." "Have you worked out who it is yet?" "Oh, let me think, trail of broken crockery, grating voice, faint smell of chewing tobacco..." "Is it Barbara the cleaner?" "I mean, Lucy's mystery man." "No." "When you find him, are you going to take him on, challenge him to a dual?" "I don't own a gun." "You could use a hammer." "I don't even know who he is." "Well, you're just not looking hard enough, are you?" "Lucy left her mobile behind today." "Have you just had a stroke?" "Does she know she left it?" "I phoned to tell her but it just rang out." "Go on, have a look." "Where do I start?" "Oh, I don't know, look under "B" for boyfriend." "Don't be stupid." "Does she keep me under "C" for client?" "Not for "client", no." "Go through recently dialled numbers." "Robin." "Dial it." "And say what?" "Say it's Batman, you've got a job for him." "Batman and Robin, that is..." "I should be on the stage." "It's only a matter of time before tag wrestling is back in vogue." "RINGING TONE" "'Hello?" "' Oh, hello, is that Robin?" "'Yeah, who is that?" "'" "Bruce." "'Bruce who?" "'" "Wayne." "'Bruce Wayne.'" "'I'm phoning about Lucy Adams." "You know Lucy, don't you?" "' Yeah." "'How do you know her?" "' Depends who's asking." "I'm asking." "'And who are you?" "'" "Depends who's asking." "'Come on, who is this?" "' I'm her... ..doctor." "'Her doctor?" "' Yeah, she's broken her leg." "She needs picking up and it needs to be someone quite close like a brother or her husband or her boyfriend." "Do any of these descriptions match you?" "Yeah, all three, that's in-breeding for you." "It's not a joke, sir." "There's a lady's life at stake here." "'I thought you said it was a broken leg.'" "Well, it's broken in two places... her knee and her...spine." "Look, how do you know her?" "'We're just colleagues.'" "So you're not going to Venice this weekend?" "No, I'm not, why?" "It's just that that's where she is now, Venice General Hospital." "She's slipped on a Cornetto." "Don't worry, we'll stick her in a gondola, bye." "Jesus, it would have been easier to say I was Batman!" "I just got a call from some weirdo claiming to be a doctor from Venice, but he phoned from your mobile." "My mobile?" "I left it in the flat." "This doctor...describe him." "Well, it's hard to say without seeing him." "Could you imagine yourself punching him in the face?" "That's him." "Look, who exactly are you?" "Don't start hiding behind all that client confidentiality thing, it just makes you sound shifty." "Right, no, she doesn't want to cancel her smear test." "Oh, here's one, "Dandmahom"." "Sounds like an Indian name." "Oh, lucky girl..." "I dated an Indian man once, Ravi." "Yeah, he knew the Kama Sutra off by heart... had me in a different position every night, the swan, golden goose..." "Coach and horses?" "Ravi had mastered the art of tantra, he could hold off an orgasm for hours." "I wonder how he managed that." "RINGING TONE 'Hello, Lucy.'" "It's not Lucy actually, Mr Lover Man." "I presume this is "Daandmahom"." "'No, it's Geoffrey, Lucy's father.'" "Oh, "Dad and Mum home", "Daandmahom."" "'Is that Lee?" "'" "No." "Well, I only know two people with Northern accents, so it's either you or George Formby." "(GEORGE FORMBY VOICE) It's turned out nice again, Mother." "Oh, and who are you phoning now?" "Someone gorgeous I hope, seeing as I'm going to be bonking his brains out in Venice." "'Lucy, is that you?" "'" "No, it's Barbara." "'Are you sure?" "'" "'Oh, sorry, hi, Barbara.'" "Hi." "11 calls in the last hour?" "Yeah." "I'm organising a darts match between the Famous Five and the Seven Dwarfs." "That's 12." "I'm not inviting Grumpy, you know what he's like." "What's going on?" "OK." "You want the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth." "Tim's organising a surprise party for you." "So help you God." "I was trying to invite people without you finding out." "Why didn't you tell Tim about Venice?" "He's put so much effort into it." "I didn't want to break his little heart." "You know how fragile Tim's been since...birth." "Oh, great(!" ") So, I'm going to have to cancel my trip now." "I don't want a surprise party, especially one Tim's organising." "He took me bowling on my tenth birthday." "Oh, come on, all kids like bowling." "Not Crown Green." "It'll be great but you can't invite Venice Man." "Why not?" "Because it's supposed to be a surprise." "Tim would know that you knew if you invited him and besides, security won't let him in." "Maybe he's big and strong and will be able to sort the bouncers out." "Who is security?" "Ok, fair point." "Nice work." "Yeah, well that sorts out Venice but she's still got a boyfriend." "For now, until you do something about it." "I've told you, I'm not beating him to death with a hammer." "There is another alternative." "What?" "Use a brick." "Oh, you'd miss me if I didn't work here." "Oh, do you work here?" "Look, what I mean is, this may be your last chance to make sure Lucy has the best party ever, get her in a great mood and you're in." "You've just got to use your natural God-given charms." "Actually might do better just to get her pissed." "You did what?" "I had to think on my feet." "What have I told you about thinking and walking at the same time?" "I'm telling her the truth." "You can't." "She was really excited about a surprise do." "She said she hoped it was as good as the bowling party." "She still remembers the bowling party after all these years?" "Vividly." "Come on, Tim, you're great at organising things." "What about that whist drive?" "That was good." "Brilliant." "I mean, it wasn't the wildest stag do I've ever been on, but Dave was happy." "OK, I'll do it." "Great." "We've just got to work out what we're going to do." "We?" "I'll be fine on my own thanks." "I know your idea of a good party." "Two crates of a brown ale, a KFC bargain bucket and a bunch of strippers." "Hey, my mum's 60th was a riot." "This has to be a night that Lucy will never forget." "Don't worry, I know you think of me as a stick-in-the-mud, but when it comes to people letting their hair down, I can groove on down with the rest of the kids." "A charades tournament?" "What do you reckon?" "I'll tell you what I reckon." "Two words, second word, sounds like..." "Cough." "I'm doing my best, it's short notice, what about a pinata?" "A what?" "A brightly coloured donkey you hit with a stick." "Perfect, go on, then." "What?" "Get your donkey costume on." "Tim, all we need is music, some food and a little bit of..." "Yahtzee?" "Forget games." "People like games, especially the people I'm inviting." "Who are you inviting?" "Mum, Dad, Nana, Uncle St. John, Aunt Flossie." "Great, tonight we're going to party like it's 1899." "They're a very lively bunch I'll have you know." "Yeah, for now." "There's still a week to go, half of them might have died." "Not Uncle St. John, he's been declared dead four times already, he's always proved them wrong." "Anyway can't stay and chat, compilation cassettes don't make themselves." "Well, so much for getting Lucy in the party mood, this is like the passenger list for The Titanic." "I'll have to borrow her phone and invite some younger people." "Good idea but only married men, you've got enough competition for Lucy at the moment." "Make sure they're young but not free and single." "Oh, in fact, Indian would be good too..." "And will you be bringing your wife?" "Oh, you're not married, girlfriend?" "Oh, no girlfriend." "Boyfriend?" "Oh, you're not gay." "OK, then, well, looking forward to seeing you." "The address?" "I can't give you that, otherwise it wouldn't be a surprise party, would it?" "Another one bites the dust." "Oh, you know, what's his name from Queen?" "Have we got enough young couples now?" "Oh, don't stop me now, I'm having such a good time, I'm having a ball." "I'm on fire today!" "If only." "This my guest list?" "Some surprise party this is turning out to be." "At least the chocolate fountain will still be a surprise, oops." "These people are all married with kids." "This is the exact reason why I wanted to go away in the first place." "I'll be the only person there without a partner." "You've still got a boyfriend, he's just not coming." "Look, I haven't got a boyfriend, all right?" "I never actually said that I did." "Yes, you did." "No, I didn't, you said that." "I just...didn't deny it." "That's the same thing." "Is that right?" "A teenager was beaten up this morning outside the flats and had his phone stolen." "Oh, you didn't deny it, it must have been you." "Actually that was me." "He tried to happy slap me so I punched him in the stomach and confiscated his phone." "Anyway...you won't be the only single person at this party." "Yes, I will." "No, you won't." "I'm a single man." "Well, that's not completely true, is it?" "I haven't got a girlfriend." "I meant the "man" bit." "It wasn't that funny." "Oh, I don't know, I thought it was kind of magic." "Oh, this takes me back." "For my 30th, I had a little baby." "Let me know if you're planning to do that again." "I'll rinse out the salad tongs." "Obviously, I'll just be doing gas and air, I won't be down the business end." "Remember, Geoffrey, Lucy crawling about the place, stark naked with a bottle in her hand." "Well, if Lee had his way..." "Just do the buffet." "Who fancies a punch?" "It's gin, vodka, rum, brandy, Campari and whiskey and I've added a bit of orange juice as well for those that don't drink." "Where's Lucy?" "Well, not here obviously, it's a surprise party." "That's what I thought and then Tim said..." "Daisy, can you give me a hand?" "With what?" "The dimmer switch, something tells me you're an expert." "Listen, you're right, Lucy does know about the party, but her mum and dad don't know that she knows about it." "Likewise Tim knows that Lucy knows about it, but Lucy doesn't know that Tim knows she knows about it." "I lost you on "listen", didn't I?" "As far as everyone is concerned, it's a surprise party, just go along with it." "What's happening here then?" "Oh, nothing, nothing." "It's all right, Daisy, I already know about the party." "Oh, what gave it away?" "I organised all the food and decorations and this chocolate fountain." "Is then when you guessed?" "Well, the plan is, Lee, you meet Lucy at the pub, keep her chatting for half an hour and then bring her round." "He'll be fine, Dad, he's often had to bring a woman round after chatting to her for half an hour." "Oh, I get it, is it Rohypnol?" "Hello, saucy." "It's not too revealing, is it?" "No, I mean you smell of gravy." "I wouldn't expect a man like you to recognise the faint aroma of Chanel No. 5." "Ah, Bisto." "All right, how about this for a chat up line... are you an electrician?" "Oh, perfect, take me now, Mr Darcy." "When I saw you across the room you gave off a certain spark that sent a current racing through my body." "Nice, are you a fishmonger?" "Why?" "Because you stink." "Look on the bright side." "With your Aunt Flossie and Uncle St. John going, we still won't be the smelliest couple at the party." "Couple?" "Well, not couple obviously." "I just thought seeing as how we're going to be the only single people, we could just sort of hang out together." "We'll be like the two unpopular kids at school." "We still stay in touch." "Actually I'm not going on my own, I'm taking someone I know through work." "What do you mean?" "It's something people do to earn money." "He's a gigolo?" "He's a business colleague." "Well, I had to do something!" "It' your fault for inviting all the married ones." "I don't want to look like the spinster on the shelf." "I've asked this person to pretend to be my boyfriend for the night." "In fact he's here now so try and be polite." "Lucy, hi, why you look fantastic." "Oh, thanks, Robin, sorry, this is Lee." "Oh, of course, the lodger, of should I call you the doctor?" "Why don't you combine both and call me David Tennant?" "Here they come." "EVERYBODY:" "Surprise!" "Oh, my gosh, I don't believe it." "I had no idea." "Sorry, I was just covering all bases." "Happy birthday!" "Happy birthday!" "Oh, wow!" "What a surprise!" "Blimey, what a night!" "First, my new boyfriend Robin takes me out for a really romantic meal at an expensive restaurant, because he's doing very well for himself thank you very much and now all of this." "I am speechless." "Clearly." "Boyfriend, eh?" "You kept that very quiet." "Yes, where have you been hiding this one?" "In the cupboard with all the other dishes?" "No, in the shed with all the other planks." "Sorry, this is my mum and dad." "No-one told me it was a James Bond theme party." "I'm sorry?" "Sean Connery, a young Honor Blackman." "I'm Pussy Galore." "You didn't tell us about Roger Moore." "And you are?" "Odd Job." "LAUGHTER" "It's ironic, isn't it?" "You spend days making sure Lucy couldn't spend her birthday with her boyfriend and as a direct result, you set her up with an absolute...phwoar!" "He's not her real boyfriend." "Well, you might want to tell Lucy that." "SHE LAUGHS LOUDLY" "Yeah, she's certainly relishing her part." "I wouldn't mind relishing his parts." "Thanks, this is giving me a lot of relief." "I wouldn't mind giving him a lot of relief." "Robin seems like a nice chap." "Successful, good looking, suitable candidate for a long term boyfriend." "I'll put a word in for you." "Maybe Lucy has finally found Mr Right." "Yeah, Mr Right Dickhead." "Hey, what's up doc?" "So, what's the diagnosis?" "Funnily enough we've just had your test results in and it's not good news I'm afraid." "Oh, no, what's wrong with me?" "You've got cancer." "Crikey, Robin's certainly knocking them back." "I hope he's not too drunk." "I was just talking to him for, like, 20 minutes and he understood every word I said." "Wasted then." "Oh, I do love all this role play, you know, maybe next time we should play headmaster and school girl." "Oh, OK, sir, but you lay a hand on me and I'll tell my parents." "I know my rights, you nonce." "So, how's it going with the boy wonder?" "With his wandering hands he's more like Dr Octopus." "Why doesn't she tell him to get lost?" "Or has she got a fetish for eight tentacles?" "Oh, that reminds me, I had a dream last night." "I was in bed with four men..." "Ravi..." "Imran..." "Samir..." "Daandmahom." "She's pretending he's her boyfriend." "She can't suddenly cause a scene at a family occasion." "Right, that's it." "Its time for Dr Who to sort out the Pervy Squid." "Odd Job, you and Captain Pedantic might want to stand back, because I'm evicting Batman's rent boy." "Actually, I'm not really in the mood for dancing." "Come on, who doesn't like a bit of Hot Chocolate?" "Speaking of which, is that a Flake in my pocket or am I just glad to see you?" "Are you sure it's not a Smartie?" "Oh, my...!" "Oh, my God, I'm so sorry." "You bloody clumsy idiot." "Don't be like that, who doesn't like a bit of hot chocolate?" "I'm going to have to go home and change now, you cretin." "Oh, don't go yet." "We're having such a...fondue." "Maybe we should tidy up a bit." "Oh, don't worry, Barbara's doing a couple of hours tomorrow." "We'll tidy up after she's gone." "Thanks." "What for?" "For pouring warm chocolate down my fake boyfriend's trousers." "Not the first time and won't be the last." "He certainly left in a bit of a hurry." "Yeah, I think he wanted to get home before he set." "All things considered, this hasn't been the worst night of my entire life." "I'm glad I didn't go to Venice." "Yeah, all those Italians with their roaming hands and black, letchy moustaches." "The blokes are just as bad as well." "Here's to Tim." "His surprise party was a pretty good idea." "Actually...it wasn't Tim's idea, it was mine." "What do you mean?" "You're going to laugh at this." "When I was on your phone, I was trying to find out who this mysterious boyfriend was." "When you caught me I panicked and made the whole thing up." "Actually some of that's not true." "Which bit?" "The bit about you laughing." "So you made my brother do all of that just to save your own skin?" "Just when you think somebody has changed." "God, you're annoying!" "I'm guessing now is not the time to mention the broken pedometer."