"(Theme music)" "(Applause)" "Well...hello, hello, hello, hello, and welcome to QI, the show that knows what's what like I know the back of my onions." "So let's meet tonight's men amongst men." "We have Rich Hall..." "(Applause)" "..Arthur Smith... ..Dara O'Briain, and Alan Davies." "(Applause)" "Welcome one, welcome all." "Let's hear your manly sounds, please, gentlemen." "Rich goes... (Handsaw cuts through wood)" "..and Arthur..." "(Nail is hammered)" "..and Dara..." "(Fierce Maori war cry)" "..and Alan." "(Generic mobile phone ringtone)" "So let's begin, with question one, and that's for Rich." "What would you say if I said to you that the British Empire was built of diarrhoea?" "(Laughter)" "I'd say you were full of shit." "Any word that ends in '-rea' is just bad news, isn't it?" "Diarrhoea...pyorrhea..." "gonorrhoea..." " .." "North Korea." " North Korea. (Laughs)" " What about Chris Rea?" " Yeah." "To be fair, though, speaking as someone, obviously, whose antecedents were members of the British Empire themselves - uh, happily, of course - diarrhoea was very much the least of our problems." "while the English were in the country." "Really, we'd have been glad of a bit of diarrhoea." "I mean, there's very few recorded conversations between Irish peasants in the 1840s that went, 'Paddy, you're looking very thin.'" "'I know." "The food is just running through me at the moment.'" "'This spicy British food doesn't appeal to me at all.'" "Well, yeah." "Absolutely." "Well, of course, the question is oddly framed, because, actually, the British Empire came about because the British were the first imperial power to overcome the problem of diarrhoea." "Up until the 18th century, almost every invading army anywhere in the world was laid low by diarrhoea - particularly the French." "They kept having excrement so close to their food, if not on it, and it was not understood that this was a bad idea." " It's not a bad idea, Stephen." " Isn't it?" " No, no, no." " Someone's been leading me up." "I think you'll find more faeces with your food actually improves your health." " (Silence)" " I've overstated it a touch." "I think you might have done." "(Laughter)" "But I do think it's generally agreed that children don't eat enough... ..you know...bad things, in a way." "Everything's sanitised, and their bodies aren't used to it when they have to fight off infections." "I think it's absolutely right." "If everyone lives in a plastic bubble, the moment the bubble is removed, they die of something or other very fast." "Particularly if the bubble is underwater, for example." "Exactly!" "There's a very sudden pressure change that you just can't deal with in that situation." "So the notion of an army marching on its stomach is more that the army tends to march on the contents of a preceding soldier's stomach," " as they were walking along." " Absolutely." "There were two eminent British figures, one called Pringle, who did it for the army, another one called Lind, who did it for the navy..." "Presumably, Pringle had a small moustache, just like that." " Latrines." "We invented latrines." " Well, that's right." "But that's a French word." " I know!" " 'Latrine' must have been French for 'kitchen' then." "Well, you're almost right." "I mean, the French did extraordinary things." "I mean, instead of burying their bodies at sea, they buried them actually in the ship..." " In the ship?" " ..in the bilge part." " The bottom, the ballast part." " Brilliant idea." " Yeah." " Except imagine the stench!" " Probably improved matters, though." "I remember reading that on the approach to Moscow, that the French soldiers used to sleep inside the dead bodies of horses at night..." " Wow - ..'cause, obviously, it's warm." "So, I mean, that's not a comfortable night, is it?" "Even Travelodge is better than that, you know?" "Yes - for the wrong reasons, Lind and Pringle thought the right thing." "In other words, they believed that disease was all about smell, and if something smelt bad, you would be ill." "We had a maths teacher at school who smelt disgusting." "Pringle laid down rules for the army about how far faeces, and everything to do with it, should be from food." "And, as a result, we had far less diarrhoea, far less enteric fever than any other army around the world." "He also said, for the navy, that they should eat lemons, because of scurvy - vitamins weren't known about until 1912." "But, because almost every country that grew lemons hated Britain, the only countries we could get anything close to it was the Caribbean, where there were limes, which are actually half as effective." "And hence, British, of course, were called 'limeys', where we should, really, have been called 'lemonies'." "Yeah." "Because the navy did realise that lemons were twice as effective." "Vitamin C tablets, obviously, seem very effective." "Multi-vitamins." "MultiVits." "If they'd had a few of them..." "I mean, if you'd just gone to Boots, really, at the start of the trip..." "You know, they say that the wheel is the greatest invention ever." "But I think it's probably the second wheel, because... (Laughter)" "(Applause) Very good." "Have you ever seen a guy on a unicycle?" "What an asshole." "In the Battle of El Alamein, there's a strong historical argument that it was won because more than 50% of the German Army in North Africa at the time had diarrhoea, and Rommel himself was in hospital" "on the first day of the Battle of El Alamein, with the squits." "My father, actually, was genuinely at El Alamein, and he was the only soldier, according to him, who didn't have the runs." "And he was actually constipated." " That's what he said." " Just bloody-minded, is he?" "This was one of his great lines " "'I had to dig it out with a stick.'" "(Laughter)" "And it is to such great men that we owe our freedom, and we thank them." "There you are." "That's really put me off going to war." "I was alright with the killing, and the mayhem," " but the shits..." " Exactly." "You don't see it in war films, and yet it is something that absolutely drives humans everywhere." "I mean, it is...it's a thing we do all the time." "Do you know, I feel, though, that in many ways," " we've pretty well done diarrhoea." " I think we have." "We're ready to move on, in fact." "We'll move on to a question for Dara." "Now, what begins with B..." "I thought we were done with diarrhoea." "You...(Chuckles)." "Alright." "It is nearly an anagram, your name, isn't it?" "Well, it's quite possibly an anagram," " but what anagram...?" " For diarrhoea." "No, it's not." "There's only four letters in my name." "(Laughter)" "It's an anagram of the great drama school, RADA." "That's what it's an anagram of." "No, no." "With all the rest of it, there's an O, isn't there?" "There's an O, yeah." "There's a B, there's an N." "As if my name is, roughly, 'NB Diarrhoea.'" " Yes. 'Da-ra'." " Da-ra!" " Da-ra!" "So, Dara, what begins with a B, and is illegal in Turkmenistan?" "Begins with a B, and is illegal in Turkmenistan?" " Um..." " Begins with a B, yes." "Well, presumably a plague of bees would be..." "Would begin with one bee." "There is a town in Turkmenistan called Mary." " Mary's an odd name for a town." " Is there a Mary there?" " There is a Mary, yeah." " Yeah." "Oh, my God." "You're absolutely right." "There's also a large region called Mary, as well," " in Turkmenistan." " Mary, Mary." "And there's a little town called Quite Contrary." " Buggery?" "Is it buggery?" " It's not." "Well, actually, as far as I know, it may be illegal, buggery, in..." " Bestiality?" " No." "It's something weird." "I mean..." " Bear-baiting?" "Ballet?" " Ballet is the right answer." " Is it?" "!" " Ballet is illegal." " Illegal?" "!" " In a country that used to be part of the Soviet Union." " 'Arrest that man." "That man...'" " Exactly, exactly." " Is that a man?" " It could be a man." "There is a very, very odd man indeed, called Saparmurat Niyazov, who is the head of this country, Turkmenistan." " And there he is." " Is he from Mary?" " He doesn't look like he is." " No, he's not." "He's actually from Ashgabat, which is the capital." "(Guttural) Ashgabad!" "And he is one of the oddest world leaders there is." " 'You!" "Ballerina!" "'" " Yeah, exactly." " In 2001..." " 'No, no!" "'" "Not only that, he's named January after himself, so..." "His face appears on millions of yoghurt pots." "If you buy yoghurt pots in Turkmenistan, his face will be on it." " What's the point of that?" " Well, exactly." "I mean, power has gone to his head." "He looks like a face that would curdle milk." "He does!" "That's probably right." "Is it on the inside of the yoghurt pot, his face?" " At the bottom..." " Scoop, scoop." "What happens if you are caught performing ballet?" "You're arrested?" "Presumably, you would be arrested." "Even for a small pile?" "Are there signs, like, with tutus, and big Xs through them?" "(Laughs) 'No ballet here.'" "There must be some kind of underground ballet-dancing clubs." " Absolutely." " Yeah" " Ballet Club, with Brad Pitt." "Yeah. (Laughs)" "Well, he also fired 15,000 nurses in Turkmenistan, Niyazov, and replaced them with army conscripts." "There's something odd about him." "This sounds like a place where Bush needs to go in, and kick some more arse." "(Laughter)" "Now it's time for a question for Arthur." "What's quite interesting about digestive biscuits?" "Well, it's a hardworking biscuit, the digestive, you know." "You put cheese on it, and, as it goes, chocolate on it." "It's a base for cheesecake." "It really is a sort of Renaissance biscuit." " It is!" " It's a great dunker." " Yeah." " It's a very, very hardworking biscuit." "But have you ever noticed that there is a slightly fishy taste about a digestive?" "Is there?" "What have you been dunking them in?" " Good heavens." " Or who have you been dunking them in?" "Good Lord!" "We're in the world of misnomers - things that are wrongly called." "Do they give you wind?" "They were called 'digestives' because they were supposed to be an anti-flatulent biscuit, when they were designed in the 19th century." " You're joking!" " No!" "That's right." "'You'd better have one of these.' 'Sorry.'" "Maybe you stuffed it up, I don't know." "I'd like to see an advert for this flatulence biscuit." "(Mimics fart) 'Hey, try a digestive!" "'" "We're heading right back down the diarrhoea highway here." "Welcome to the United Kingdom, Mr Hall." "The fact is, they are not aids to digestion." "In America, it is illegal to call them 'digestives'." "Of course, in America...do you know what we're talking about?" " Cookies." " Yeah, yeah." " Yes." "That's quite right...which is from the Dutch - 'koek', meaning a cake," " which is why you call them 'cookies'." " Right." "'Cause what you call a biscuit, it's more like what we would call a scone-y thing." "You have biscuits and gravy." "Explain to the ladies and gentlemen what that is." "Oh, traveller from an arcane land." "(Laughter) Yes!" "What...do...your people...eat?" "!" "(Laughter, applause)" "Everything!" "No, biscuits...biscuits are made from self-rising flour, and then they just slop gravy over it, and it just takes up room on the plate." "Right." "And it's a breakfast-y thing, or a lunch-y thing, or...?" "Uh, depends on what trailer park you live in." "Sometimes it's three meals a day." "Fair enough, fair enough." "Well, 450 digestive biscuits are baked every second" " in the United Kingdom." " Really?" " They are truly the mule of biscuits." " They certainly are." " And, Alan, it brings me onto a question for you." " For me?" "What is the difference between a cake and a biscuit?" " Oh, that's easy!" " Tell." "Well, a cake is soft, and a biscuit's hard." "Cakes are soft, and squidgy, and spongy, and biscuits, you can snap them." "ARTHUR:" "What's a Jaffa cake, then?" "Very interesting you should say that." "Well...quite interesting, I think." "Well, quite interesting." "Exactly, exactly." "Let's stick to our brief." "Jaffa cake is the exception that proves the rule." "Well, no, it isn't an exception." "See, what happens on this show, Dara, is that he thinks I'm an idiot." "Well, you think my name is an anagram of 'diarrhoea', so..." "Yes, exactly." "(Laughter)" "I'm really on their side at the moment." "Well, actually, I mean, you use the right words." "Technically, the difference is that when they go stale, a cake goes hard and a biscuit goes soft." "And a biscuit goes soft." "Does it?" "In 1991, the British government, and Customs and Excise, decided they wanted to reclassify the Jaffa cake as a biscuit." "The weird thing is, there is 0 VAT on cake and biscuit, but there is VAT on chocolate biscuits, as a luxury item." "So McVitie's went out of their way to try and prove that Jaffa cakes are not chocolate biscuits, they are cakes." "And they did so by demonstrating, in front of the VAT review board, that they went hard when they were stale." "And they also cooked a great, big 12-inch one to show that it really was a cake that they had baked." "I always think, King Alfred..." "you know, he was a great man, who..." "Is that a cock-ring?" " (Laughter)" " No, that's a really early cock-ring." "Made of stone." "Oh, they had big knobs, they did." "Yeah." "But King Alfred, who, I believe, invented..." " (Laughs) - (Laughs)" " I'm determined to carry on." " Yes." "No, please do." "Absolutely." "Carry on." "I've got a big, stone cock-ring in my head." "He invented the navy." "He made all sorts of differences." "He was an important political figure." "But all we remember him for is some business involving cakes." "Yeah." "You, for example, may yet, Stephen, be remembered for something pathetically insignificant." "Absolutely." "I once dropped a pack of Abbey Crunch." " You're so posh." " They're not posh!" "You really...they are posh biscuits!" "Oh, stop it." "Posh biscuits are ones that are cooked for you by your pastry chef." "Actually, there's a true story about..." "I think it was the Duke of Devonshire, but it may not have been." "Oh..." "I can't believe you." "In the Second World War, they would have people from the Ministry of Labour going round, checking on everybody, and particularly on the big estates, to see if some all these people...some could be released" "for essential war work." "And they went to Chatsworth, one of the Duke of Devonshire's estates." "They had a stopwatch, and clipboard, and they checked everybody." "And, eventually, they had an interview with the Duke." "And they said, 'Well, Your Grace, we can understand that you need 47 gardeners, and 13 other gardeners." "And you need grooms, and you need chauffeurs, and you need upstairs maids, and downstairs maids, and in between maids, and laundry room maids, and stillroom maids, and kitchen maids, and nurse maids, and house maids." "And we can understand that you need the boy to scrape the knives and boots, and you need the butler, and the four footmen, and the under-butler." "But we wonder if a man economy might be made." "Does Your Grace necessarily need two pastry cooks?" "'" "To which he apparently replied, 'Oh, damn it." "Can't a man have a biscuit?" "'" "(Laughter) Which is..." "I mean, you know, we're all prepared to make sacrifices to beat the Hun, but, I mean, really!" "That's going a bit far, isn't it?" "Peter Ustinov had rather a good story about... ..he said he was at school, it was so posh that on school sports day, they had a chauffeurs' race." "Of course, we call posh cake 'gateur', don't we?" "And the French call posh cake 'le cake'." "Yes, that's true." "Do you know what 'biscuit' means?" "What its derivation is?" " 'Bis-' meaning..." " Chew, Eat." "Bit." " ..twice..." " Sweet, hard, coffee cup." "'Sweet, hard coffee cup'?" "!" "Sweet, hard coffee cup accompaniment." "No, it is 'twice-cooked'." "'Biscotti', in Italian..." "Oh, biscotti's a biscuit." "They're horrible, though." " They're like bits of shrapnel." " Yes." "But it's fun to do that game with the wrapper, that it flies up in the air." "Here's a quite interesting fact." "(Laughter)" "As we know, at the end of a marvellous performance, when we see a live show, when you think it's fabulous, and you want more, you shout, 'Encore!" "'" " Yes." " But do you know what the French shout?" " 'Bis'?" " Oh, yeah." "You do know." " Yes, yes." "(Laughter) Sorry." "It means 'twice'." "Yeah." "So they're asking to see the whole damn thing again?" "Well, on from biscuits." "Fingers on buzzers now, for our next question." "Who invented straight roads?" "(Generic mobile phone ringtone)" " Alan." " The Romans." "(Siren sounds, alarm bells ring) Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear." " I knew it!" " Yeah, I'm afraid not." "You haven't caught me, or anything, 'cause I knew that was gonna happen." "Did you, did you?" "Yes." "And I'll have you know that they did." "No, they didn't." "They did!" "They rebuilt a lot of straight roads that were already there." "The Romans would make a road that would go 50, 100 miles." " Yes." " Stane Street, that goes from Chichester to London is 60 or 70 miles long." "No-one thought to go that far in a straight line until they did." "I think, in terms of distance, you may well be right - that they probably built the longest straight roads..." "People would come across a Roman road, and go, 'Blimey!" "This must be a Roman road." "They invented going really, really far in a straight line." "Yes." "Which wasn't the question, sadly." "(Laughter)" "Oh, would that it had been." "But the Romans, presumably, never, in the end, really got anywhere." "because all roads lead to Rome." " Indeed." " (Mock laughs)" "No." "There was a dense network of roads in the pre-Roman Iron Age, of very straight roads." "But you're quite right - they weren't as vast." "Do you know that in America, some of the roads in the Midwest are so straight, and go on straight for so long that then, they have to make a right turn," " and then go straight again." " Really?" "Because people go loopy, is it?" "No, no - to account for the curvature of the earth, so that it conforms to the map." "Good God." "That's fantastic." "Well, there you are." "And do you know that in Montana, a policeman will pull you over because he's lonely?" "(Laughter) Oh!" "It's happened to me all the time." "Why do the Americans drive on the right?" "Well, I guess because we invented the (BLEEP) car." "(Laughter)" "I'm awfully sorry to put you right on that, but you didn't even come close to inventing the car." "We invented the first..." "There were at least two Germans who got there way before you!" "Another proof, of course, is that in Ireland, there were many, many straight roads, and the Irish were never invaded by the Romans, were you?" "No." "They never got as far as us." "Absolutely not." "Which we actually do regret to this day, 'cause we have no great architecture that dates back to then." "We have a lack of..." "You've got Cromlix." "Well, we have our own little, you know, mounds, and stuff, that we're quite happy with, that I had to drag my sorry arse around at school trips" " for a few years. - 'Boys, we're off to see a mound today.'" "Yeah." "And our imagination ran riot - but it was never what we expected." "And do you know why the grass is greener in Ireland than over here?" "Is it because of limestone in the ground?" "No - it's 'cause you're all over here, walking on ours." "(Laughter, applause)" "Which brings us, neatly, to the point where fools rush in, and Alans fear to tread, which is our dose of General Ignorance round, now." "So fingers on buzzers again, if you would, please." "What is the collective noun for a group of baboons?" "(Saw cuts through wood)" " Yay." " The Pentagon." "Fantastic!" "(Laughs)" "Funnily enough, American politics has a lot to do with it." "And not only is the Pentagon an organ of American power," " but so is their house..." " Capitol Hill." "The White House." " The House of Representatives." " The House of Baboons?" " It's the Congress." " The Congress." " It's 'a congress of baboons'?" " Yeah." "But the reason we ask the question..." "(Mobile phone ringtone)" " Congress of baboons." " Very good." "But there is a quite interesting fact about a new word that is beginning to replace 'congress'." "And it has a very odd history, this word." "It comes from a comedy sketch on BBC Television, in a series called Not the Nine O'Clock News." "There was a sketch called Gerald the Gorilla..." " Oh, yeah." " ..in which Rowan Atkinson played..." " 'Wild?" "'" " He makes mention..." "that's right." "'Wild?" "I was furious.' Exactly." "'The production on that album...'" "But there's a point where he talks about a group, 'or "flange", as we call them, of gorillas'." "And this was just made up by Richard Curtis, or whoever wrote the sketch, for that particular sketch." "But it's now on the Net." "And there is..." "I can quote you here, from a book called Sex and Friendship in Baboons, by Barbara B Smuts." "This is a review..." "(Laughter)" " He's read every book in the world." " Yeah. (Laughs)" "And it says, 'In this marvellous book," "Smuts draws from years of painstaking field research, in which she followed around a flange of Chacma baboons in the Matetsi Game Reserve, in Zimbabwe." "And there, a word has migrated from a comedy sketch into the internet is now being used by academics as the official word." "And, while on the subject of animals, who can tell me which mammals have the most bones in their noses?" "(Mobile phone ringtone) Yep, Alan." " Crocodiles." " It isn't crocodiles, as it happens." "I was gonna say elephants, but I think that's really stupid." "(Siren sounds, alarm bells ring, laughter)" " Thank you." "Oh, bless you." "Most obliged." " Anteaters." "Yes, I did it to please the researcher." " Did you say 'anteaters'?" " Yes." "Well, the answer is an anteater, so you should have some points." "A particular kind." "Probably the most famous kind of anteater," " in some ways." " Aardvark." "Aardvark is the right answer." "It has nine or ten." "Do you know, I can say, in Danish," "'I have spilt coffee on the anteater'?" "(Laughter)" "I would like you to do that for us now." "Jeg har spildt kaffe pa Myresluger!" "(Applause)" "Elephants, of course, have no bones in their noses whatsoever." "So our next question is, according to the inventor of Centigrade," " what's the boiling point of water?" " I'm not gonna fall for that." " (Hammer strikes nail) Yes?" " Oh, dear, no." "I'm gonna say something stupid, aren't I?" "100 degrees." " (Siren sounds, alarm bells ring) Oh, dear. - (Cheers)" "Yeah...it's so obvious." "It's obvious, and you'd think it's a reasonable thing to say." "The inventor Centigrade was a man called Anders..." " Celcius." " Celcius is quite right." "From 1701 to 1744, he lived." "A short but fruitful life." "He spent all that time going, 'Ooh, that's hot.'" "'That's hot, that's cold, and that's hot.'" "'But that's quite chilly.'" "'I should call that "one"'." "He decided that water should boil at zero degrees, and that ice would melt at 100." "Of course, nought is actually, now - of course, it's the other way round." "Nought is not the point at which water freezes, in Centigrade." "It's the point at which ice melts." "Yeah." "Zero is actually more than that." "And I'm giving you a scientific fact, because I don't wish to be associated with diarrhoea for the rest of the show." "Zero's actually the triple point of water." "It's the first temperature at which water can exist in all three states, because you can actually get water vapour, which is at zero, as well." "Oh, very good." "You must have some points for that." " and this round of applause." " Thank you very much." "(Applause) You'll like that." "That was a consolation point." "And, in particular, because it's for the private moment I had there, where I remembered when I was told that, in school, at 16, and went, 'When the (BLEEP) am I ever gonna use that piece of information?" "'" "Oh!" "Hooray!" "It happened." "You see?" "But here's one - which is colder, minus 40 Centigrade, or minus 40 Fahrenheit?" "Minus 40 Centigrade." " No, they're both actually exactly the same." " They're both the same." "The one point at which they're the same." "It's where they meet." "So which came first, Celcius, or Fahrenheit?" "Fahrenheit came first." "The interesting thing about the British is, what we do is, we use Centigrade when it's cold," " and we use Fahrenheit when it's hot." " Yes." "So we go, 'Ooh!" "' when it's hot in summer, and goes to the 90s, it's '92'." "But when it's really cold, we go, 'God, it's minus three!" "Minus five!" "'" "You don't say, 'It's 28,' which is what it would be in Fahrenheit." "We do." "We're very consistent, aren't we?" "Well, from that, to, what did Mussolini do?" "(Generic mobile phone ringtone)" " Made the trains run on time." " (Siren sounds, alarm bells ring)" "(Laughter)" "No, he didn't." "You could argue he made one particular train run on time." "In 1922, there was a general strike in Italy, much to the annoyance of many Italian people, and certainly to the annoyance of the king, Umberto." "And the Fascists, who were led by Mussolini, were gathered in Naples, and Mussolini made this ferocious speech, saying, 'We shall march on Rome, and we shall sort this out." "We shall seize power if we are not offered it, and we shall end this strike.'" "And 'Roma, Roma, Roma, we shouted.' And the famous march on Rome began." "Mussolini himself went to Milan." "(Chuckles)" "Didn't go on the march, 'cause he was rather scared." "He was quaking in his jackboots." "But it turned out to be a great success." "And the king offered him power, and said he must get on the train from Milan, where he was, to Rome." "and I will offer you the prime ministership." "So he rang up the stationmaster at Milan, and said, 'This train has to run on time.'" "And it was the one train he definitely made run on time." "But all the other improvements in the Italian transport system were actually made before he came to power." "Garibaldi - that's a type of biscuit." "It certainly is a type of biscuit." "And it cracks." "That's the difference." " You can't crack a cake." " (Laughs) No." "Good." "Well, that's all very exciting." "That's Mussolini for you." "No evidence that he made the Italian trains run on time at all." "Let's have another question." "Which eye did Nelson wear his eye-patch on?" "Anybody have a thought?" "(Generic mobile phone ringtone)" " Yes?" " The right eye." "(Siren sounds, alarm bells ring)" " It was a little unfair..." " He didn't wear one." " He didn't wear one, ever." " Oh." "He never wore an eye-patch." "Never wore an eye-patch - he just went like that." "Yes." "Only in Ladybird books did he wear an eye-patch." "He was a very strange man, Nelson." "He bought, for about 25 shillings, these silver stars." "He was given all kinds of titles by the King of Naples, and he bought them all, and put them on a sash, and stood on the quarterdeck of the Victory like this, covered in shining stars." "And, from 50 feet away, the French shot him, not surprisingly." "(Laughter)" "He never actually lost an eye." "He just lost the sight of his eye." "Did you know that Lady Hamilton was vastly overweight, and had a Lancashire accent?" "I thought you were gonna say 'overrated' then." "I'll give her a six, or, you know..." "It seems a bit unfair on anyone watching from Lancashire that you seem to yoke together fat with 'and a Lancashire accent'." "I'm only trying to make the point that it's surprising." "It's not what you think." "If you watch Vivian Leigh play her opposite Laurence Olivier, in the film..." "She doesn't talk like Liam Gallagher." "She doesn't say," "'Ooh, I wouldn't 'ave him if he came in a nest of tables.'" "(Laughter)" "You know, it's not that kind of thing." "So that's all from us." "Let's look at the scores." "In last place, we have Alan, with minus 20, I'm sorry to say." "(Applause)" "Just ahead is Arthur Smith, with minus 18." "(Applause)" "On plus two points, it's Rich Hall, on 2, and our runaway winner, on 4 points, is Dara O'Briain." "(Cheers, applause)" "Well, there you are." "So that's all from Rich, Arthur, Dara, Alan and me." "As they say in Ireland, may you get to heaven a half-hour before the devil knows you're dead." "Goodnight." "(Applause)" "Closed Captions by CSI"