"Mom?" "Hey, I need your help." "I'm at dad's." "Because I need to borrow money." "I got laid off." "I'm broke." "You were married to the guy." "What's the best way to get money from him?" "Yeah." "I can't divorce him." "I'm overthinking this." "I haven't seen him in two years." "Maybe he's a different guy." "Maybe he's mellowed." "You know what?" "I bet he's changed." "Guts or nuts." "Your choice." "He hasn't changed." "♪ Don't you think you wanna be ♪" "♪ just a little more like me ♪" "Why didn't you call first?" "Almost decorated my buick with your balls!" "Come on, dad." "You wouldn't do that to your buick." "I thought you were one of those jackasses who show up on my front door lookin' for a handout." "Right." "The elections are coming up." "I'm talking about the girl scouts." "They're nothing but beggars with merit badges." "There's nothing worse than someone coming to your home, trying to get money out of you." "What brings you to town, Henry?" "Um..." "You know, I just..." "I thought you and I could talk face-to-face." "Here's my face." "Talk." "Okay." "This isn't easy for me to say." "Dad, there comes a time in a young man's life... son, are you coming out to me?" "Because you wouldn't last a minute in that world." "Your skin's too pasty." "You can't dance." "I'm not gay, dad." "But thanks for letting me know I'd suck at it." "Then what do you want?" "I just..." "W..." "Mom says hi." "She's in Italy." "What's that got to do with anything?" "She was on the phone with me." "Uh, she's doing the eat pray love tour." "Although I told her if she wants to get to the love part, she'd better do a lot more praying and a lot less eating." "What's that, a joke?" "You think it's funny to insult the woman who pushed a giant moron through a tiny opening?" "I did..." "And then your visual kind of killed it for me." "Are we done here?" "'Cause I'm going back to bed." "It's the middle of the night!" "It's 9:00." "There's still kids playing outside." "Then play with them." "I'm going to bed!" "Okay." "Well, if it's all right with you," "I'll just crash on the couch?" "There's a cot in the attic." " The couch is fine." " I know the couch is fine." "That's why I don't want you to sleep in it." "What are we doing here, playing let's make a deal?" "There's no choice!" "The cot is in the attic." "Take it or leave." "I'm going to bed." "Wait." "I just want to talk to you for a minute." "You got ten seconds." "Okay." "Here it goes." "Dad, there comes a time in a young man's life..." "Good night." "Blitzer, you smug son of a bitch." "That's not news." "An old guy died." "So what?" "Now, if he does something tomorrow, that's news." "Morning, dad." "Why are you walking around like you're in your third trimester?" "I'm about to push a giant complaint through a tiny opening." "That cot is really uncomfortable." "You're too good for that cot now?" "A Navy buddy of mine died on that cot." "That would explain the big dark stain at the neck." "It's not at the neck." "I turned the bed around." "Quite a guest room you got there, dad." "Did you hear that noise coming from the garden at 5:00 in the morning?" "Sounded like two animals fighting." "It was." "Me and a raccoon." "I caught him trying to eat one of my cucumbers." "I grabbed him by the tail and I windmilled him into the shed." "Let him think about what he's done." "Anything else you wanna complain about?" "I'm not complaining." "That's not what I'm doing." "Garden looks great." "Cucumbers are huge." "It's like the land of the lost out there." "You should see my zucchini." "I think I did last night when you answered the door in your jammies." "Your brother and Bonnie are stopping by to drop off some groceries and say hi." "Great." "Um..." "Do you know how long they're gonna be staying?" "I was hoping you and I can get some one-on-one time." "Why?" "Wanna braid each other's hair and talk about boys?" "No, it's..." "Not that, dad." "I just..." "I..." "It doesn't matter." "What's with the driver's manual?" "Oh..." "My license expires when I turn 72 next week, and they're making me take the whole damn test again." "If I don't pass, I lose my license for five years." "Well, look, worse comes to worst, we get you a bike." "It'll keep you in shape." "A bike?" "Take a look out that window." "Does that look like Bangkok?" "I'm not getting on any bike!" "Knock, knock." " Shut the door." " How 'bout hi?" "Hi." "Shut the door." "Look at this." "San Diego's king and queen of condos." "Aw, come on, it's not like we have three townhouses in escrow." "Because we have four." "Including one that had a murder in it." "Whassup?" "And don't get up for your daughter-in-law." "I'm just holding 20 pounds of your groceries." " Did you get my fiber bars?" " Yes." " Did you get my fiber bread?" " Of course." "Did you get my high fiber pasta?" "Yes, you'll be very happy, ed." "It'll feel like you're pulling a shipyard rope through your intestines." "Henry." "Come here." "Come on." "Come hug your brother from another mother." "What's up, Vince?" "So how are things at the magazine?" "I got laid off and..." "Dad doesn't know." "Dad doesn't know what?" "How..." "Hungry I am." "Dad doesn't care." "I see the manual's out." "I'm glad you've been studying." "Yeah, I've been studying." "But, you know, it's hard to retain." "You get older, the stuff you wanna keep in you flows outta you, stuff you want to flow outta you stays in you." "Lovely sentiment." "I'm sure you're gonna pass it." "Well, I have to pass, because if I don't," "I won't be able to drive, and I'll be stranded out here all by myself." "Pop." "You can always live with us..." "Right, Bonnie?" " I'm sorry, he-can-always-what-now?" "Well, that's something to think about." " Where ya going?" " Where I do all my thinking." "Are you crazy?" "You just asked him to move in with us?" "Sweetheart, come on, relax." "That's just something you say." "He's never gonna take us up on the offer." "Well, what if he does?" "Can you imagine him living in our condo?" "Think about it." "Think about our sex life!" "All the high-pitched squealing, all the weeping." "You wouldn't be able to do that anymore!" "So what happened with the job?" "The magazine went under." "I got laid off." "I'm broke." "Went through all my savings, and now I have to borrow money from dad, and I don't know how the hell I'm gonna do it." "What's the big deal?" "Just ask him." "I keep trying, but every time I'm about to ask him," "I..." "I just feel like I'm gonna disappoint him." "Henry, he's your father." "Of course you're gonna disappoint him." "Mother Teresa would disappoint him." "She did." "Remember when he met her, vin?" "He said it was like talking to a fig wrapped in a napkin." "I don't see what the big deal is." "So you disappoint him, so what?" "I disappoint him every minute of every day." "It's different for you, Vince." "You grew up with dad." "I don't have a relationship with the guy." "Is that what you want?" "I didn't think so, but..." "Then I see him and, yeah, I guess I do." "Just wish he gave a crap." "Henry, what exactly are you looking for?" "Anything." "Just something that shows that he wants a relationship with me." "Like what, you want him to play Peter Gabriel on a boom box outside your window?" "I don't... just a gesture." "Any kind of gesture." "Okay, I have news for you, Henry." "The only gesture your father makes is when someone cuts him off on the freeway." "The gesture you're looking for ain't happening'." "So you just gotta be nice to him, ask him for the money, restart your life." "♪ ♪" "♪ they're writing songs ♪" "♪ of love ♪" "♪ but not for me ♪ Okay, dishes are done." "I swept the floors, wiped down the counters, so they look nice." "Nice, nice, nice." "I need to disinfect." "Son, sit down." "The house is clean enough." "We didn't accidentally kill a hooker." "We had brunch." "You know what?" "You're right." "Hey." "How 'bout we study for your driver's test?" "Good." "All right." "Okay." "You're involved in a minor traffic collision with a parked car, and you are unable to locate the owner." "You must, "a"..." "What part of town am I in?" "I don't know." "Downtown." "It's not that important." "I don't like downtown." "It smells of motor oil and hummus." "Fine." "Then..." "You're at the store down the street." "Which store?" "The one with the slow kid who works in produce?" "No." "The other one." "You know, I like the one with the slow kid." "He knows his vegetables." "Dad, you were a Navy doctor." "You performed surgeries in war zones." "Why can't you focus?" "♪ It had to be you ♪" "Go on." "I'm focused." "No." "It's the song." "What do you know about it?" " I know." " You don't know." "That's the song you and mom used to dance to." "How do you know that?" "You were five when we split up." "Guess, uh..." "You just remember some things." " What do you need, Henry?" " What do you mean?" "Well, you..." "Been around all day." "You..." "Cleaned the house, helped me study." "What do you need?" "Money?" "Wow." "You..." "Really..." "Ha ha." "I'm just..." "Being nice to my dad, that's all." "Son..." "If it looks like manure and smells like manure, it's either wolf blitzer or manure." "Would you stop looking for reasons to be disappointed in me?" "Stop giving me reasons for being disappointed." "What reasons?" "I did everything right." "I did well in college." "I got a good job at a magazine." "The thing went under, and yes, I got laid off." "I got college loans to pay." "So what?" "I need a little help." "Newsflash, dad." "So does half the country." "You know, son, I'd have had a lot more respect for you if you'd come right out and told me what you needed like a man." "If I wanted somebody to be nice to me for money," "I'd have rented out the back room at the winking oyster." "That is so typically you." "You love to be needed, dad, but when someone actually needs you, you lose respect for them." "Which brings me to my original question... what do you need?" "What do I need?" "I need a dad who would for once, just once, let me walk out of his home without feeling worse than when I walked in." " You're being dramatic." " Dramatic?" "I haven't seen you in two years." "You don't even give me a bed to sleep on!" "You put me in the attic on a tiny cot that has a bloodstain..." "that is a bloodstain, right?" "I need to hear you tell me it's a bloodstain." "It is a bloods..." "don't tell me." "I treat you no differently than anybody else." "Exactly!" "I'm not anyone else!" "I'm your son." "You're supposed to build me up, not tear me down." " I build you up." " Really?" "Did you build me up that time I got a haircut and you told me I looked like a lesbian in the Navy?" "A lesbian in the Navy saved my life!" "Did you build me up when you told me that my one and only father's day poem to you was an affront to the English language?" " It was!" " I was eight!" " Even an eight-year-old knows you don't rhyme dad with bat!" "Okay, if you ever wonder why you don't have a relationship with your kids, this is why." "I have a perfectly fine relationship with Vince." "Just today, he asked me to come and live with him and his wife." "I guarantee if you actually took him up on the offer, they'd freak." "You're wrong." "They wouldn't know what to say!" "It would just be gibberish coming out of their mouths." "You don't know what you're talking about." "And let me give you a piece of advice... if you're gonna kiss my ass for money, at least put on a nice shade of lipstick." "I don't even know what that means!" "And is that really the only reason you think I'm here..." "for money?" "Am I wrong?" "No, dad." "You're not wrong." "You're right." "You're always right." "You know what your reward is for being right?" "Being alone." "And I'd keep an eye on your cucumbers." "I let the raccoon out." "He's on the front porch and looks pissed, so I'm gonna go out the back door." "♪ It had to be you ♪" "You know, Henry said something that set me thinking." "I'm all alone out here, rattling around in this old house, so I thought maybe I'd sell the place, take you up on your offer, and come live with you." "What do you say?" "I could take the guest room in the back of the house." "You wouldn't even know I was there." " Hmm..." " Blll... uh...." "I would help with the mortgage payments and my share of the household expenses." " Uh, mortgage..." " I..." "I..." "Although..." "I can't leave this house." "My things are here and..." "The garden's here." "So thanks for the offer, but I'm not gonna come and live with you." "Oh, are you sure, Ed." "'Cause we have that extra room." "Can you tell me what the topmost image is?" "Two squirrels fornicating." "What the hell does it look like?" "It's a gigantic "e."" "And the line below that?" "Why do I have to keep identifying letters?" "I've been driving for 60 years, and I've never been rear-ended by a gigantic "e"!" "Clearly, you've never driven down sesame street." "Mm, mm, mm." "Sss!" "Ooh!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Would you look at that?" "You failed by one teeny, tiny point." "That is such a shame." "Guess we won't be seeing your pleasant face for another five years." "What do you mean, I failed?" "Yeah." "Maybe you can get one of those motorized scooters that my morbidly obese aunt uses." "Next!" "You can't fail me." "I've got to be able to drive." "No, no, no." "I can." "It's kinda my job." "But I'm sure you're surrounded by people that love you and are dying to drive you wherever you wanna go, given that you are such a delight." "Next." "I don't have any people." "Oh, come on." "No, I have no one." "Boy, I've really screwed up." "Look, it's just a driving test." "I'm not talking about the driving test." "I'm sorry I was rude to you." "You didn't deserve it." "You were just doing your job." "You seem like a perfectly nice homosexual." "I'd like to think that I am." "I'll let you get on with your job." "Wait." "Don't you have any family that can drive you where you need to go?" "Any kids?" "Yeah, but I've..." "Screwed that up too." "I'll let you carry on." "Wait!" "I can't believe I'm doing this." "Oops." "There." "71." "You passed!" "Thank you." "You know, my dad screwed up with me." "Then you know what happened?" "He fixed it." "That's the thing... no matter how old your kids get, it's never too late to be a dad." "Here, you know, I..." "I'd like you to have this." "What is it?" "Means a great deal to me." "They gave it to me in 'nam..." "For sewing a guy's sack back on." "Henry!" "Hi, dad." "You wanna come and sit down, have a bowl of grape nuts?" "Got a little gift for ya." "Honestly, I don't want anything." "I just came by to get my stuff." "I'm leaving." "Um..." "My buddy's gonna let me crash on his couch." " Where?" " L.A." " When?" " Now." " Why?" " Because." "I see..." "So..." "I'm gonna get my stuff now." "Okay." "Okay." "You sure you don't want to stick around, have a bowl of grape nuts?" " I can't." " Why not?" " I'm going." " Where?" " L.A." " When?" " Now!" " Why?" "Because!" "I see..." "You know..." "You might wanna stick around." "You might like what I got you." "You're not getting it." "This isn't happening." "It was a bad idea for me to come here." "I was looking for something that doesn't exist." "So now..." "I'm leaving." "I don't want anything from you." "Enjoy your life." "Fine." "You're gonna go, go!" "For the record, I never got ya a gift." "I never asked for one." "Well, I didn't get one." "Fine." "You gonna get that?" "Get what?" " There's someone at the door." " I didn't hear anything." "I didn't hear that either." "Good luck, Henry." "Dad, why aren't you answering the door?" " Which door?" " Oh, my God." "I'll get the door." " I got a mattress delivery." " Wrong house!" "An Ed Goodson doesn't live here?" "Very common name." ""Edison Milford Goodson III"?" "A somewhat common name." "Dad?" "Is this the gift?" "No." "They've obviously made a mistake." "Card says, "to Henry." "Enjoy this gift." "Dad."" "This is getting very eerie." "Dad..." "Why did you get me a bed?" "You were complaining about the bed, so I got you a bed." " For what?" " To sleep." " Where?" " Upstairs." " When?" " Tonight." " Why?" " Because!" "I see..." "Dad..." "Is this your way of asking me to live here?" "Why would I want you to live here?" "You're a pain in the ass who only wants my money." "You're like a girl scout without the cookies!" "I'm gonna get my stuff." "Just a..." "Gesture." "Excuse me?" "It was a gesture, the bed." "It was just..." "A gesture." "Why does everything have to be said?" "We'll take the bed." "Thank you." "I'd wait to thank me until you see where I put the raccoon." "What the hell are you doing?" "Come on, dad." "If I'm gonna be living here," "I gotta be able to use your record player." "Well, gentle, damn it." "It's not a pair of boobs on one of your sweaty dates." "♪ It had to be you ♪ remember this?" "♪ It had to be...♪" "Spin, sway." "Come on, Barb, stay with me!" "Why can't someone do a good impression of me?" "If you're gonna do it, do it right." "♪ It had to be you ♪" "Spin, spin." "♪ It had to be you ♪ sway, sway." "I told you Vince wasn't gonna let you live with him." "He's so full of it." "Don't criticize your brother." "He does the best he can." "Yeah." "I guess we all just do the best we can." "Not you." "You can do better." "There's still hope for you." "Thanks, dad." "You know, you can be a really nice guy when you wanna be." "Who is it?" "Girl scouts." "Would you like some cookies?" "It's shotgun time!"