"Late for work!" "Late for work!" "Kisses." "Mwah!" "Man hug!" "All right!" " Kiss or man hug?" " Guess." "Ooh!" "Correct." "Coffee breath." "Oh!" "Phone, phone, phone." "Nice!" "We are a machine." "I love this stupid family!" "Weavers!" "Ignoring you only because you repeatedly asked me to." "Hey." "I need to talk to mom." " But..." " Now." "Sit down." "What did I do?" "I haven't talked to you about any bands and I don't tweet at you anymore or retweet." "I don't like you, even though I love you." " You're not in trouble." " Oh." "But you can't tell dad because he'd freak." "Something interesting has happened." "Nothing bad, but I feel the need to talk about it." "Sort of like..." "Girl talk." "Ooh!" "I love that!" "I'm a girl!" "Stop doing that." "Jackie!" "I have a secret!" "I have a secret!" "Did you just run over from next door?" "Mm-hmm." "Oh, you really need to do some more cardio." "Amber's dating a new boy." "His name is Zak." "He's a college boy." "I know I should be freaked out, he's a college boy and all..." "But you know if you just walked around the block once a day, it would really help with..." "But you know what?" "Amber's always been way beyond her years." " And screw it!" "She confided in me!" " Oh!" "No agenda, just some girl talk." "Did someone say girl talk?" "I could get me some of that." "Jackie, are you shooting a soap opera?" "Oh, of course!" "You two haven't met." "This is my brother-in-law, DJ Jazzy Jeff." "Oh." "DJ Jazzy Je..." "Jeff." "I thought you guys took the names of professional athletes, like Dick Butkus, Larry Bird..." "Yes, well, it's, uh..." "Totally embarrassing." "In my research, I came across a celebrity softball match on MTV." "DJ Jazzy Jeff hit a home run." "I was packing, half concentrating." "Anyway..." "Debbie..." "Weaver." "Oh." "That's me." "Jackie, you weren't kidding." "She's a peach." "I think I dropped my jaw somewhere." "Oh, my God." "Just..." "Isn't he wonderful?" "I have missed you, brother-in-law." "You, too, sister-in-law." "Oh, get a room." "It'll last longer." "Good morning, brother!" "Suck cheese." "Come on, we were just..." "Was it "suck" or "cheese"?" "Which part of "suck cheese" didn't you understand?" "I'm going out!" "We've got some unresolved issues." "Yeah." "Is he okay?" "Where does he go every day?" "My life is in chaos." "Chaos!" "That Weaver woman is constantly bursting in, chatting up my wife, who suddenly wants another child." "The two teenagers are in this ridiculous interspecies love quadrangle." "And I know my father has sent my brother to check up on me and to get my community to move back home." "You guys have a lot going on." "Oh, we're really going for it." "We're all in." "We're leaving nothing on the table." "As you all know, my good-for-nothing younger brother has arrived from Zabvron to check up on us under the guise of a family visitation." "But we all know why he's here." "We're not fooled by his act." "Are there any questions?" "Johnny Unitas." "Your brother seems cool." "That's not true, and it's not a question." "High pants." "I like the way he looks." "That's irrelevant, strange, and also not a question." "Mary Lou Retton." "Is he single?" "Okay, yes, that was a question." "But it was a moronic one." "I implore you, be on your best behavior." "Let's keep things high and tight so he has nothing to report back." "To who?" "To father?" "My fellow Zabvronians," "I have no desire to report anything back to my father." "I'm just here to see my family." "And, time permitting," ""Osage county."" "Jude Law called." "He wants his face back." "I mean, it's not like I'm over Reggie, but there's something about zak." "There's a maturity there." "It's like I don't have to explain everything to him, you know?" "That is great, hon." "Now, do you think that's because he's in college or he's actually a human being?" "It's possible..." "Hey, guys." "I took off work a little early." "Am I interrupting something?" " Not at all." " No." "Okay." "Thank you for the help with the homework, mom." "Uh, you're welcome." "Would you like me to help you with more homework upstairs?" " I think that would be helpful." " Yeah." "What?" "You don't have any books?" "Just studying..." "Gonna keep going, huh?" "Okay." "All right." "I didn't like that." "Oh, it's crazy, I know." "But suddenly it's all I can think about." "Another baby." "How exciting!" "What would you want..." "A boy or a girl?" " Both!" " You can get that here?" "Yes." "I think it's called a David Bowie." "Ohh." "Well, I've got to run." "I promised Reggie I'd pick him up after debate." "Ohh." "Ooh!" "I think I'd want..." "A girl!" "You want a girl." "Yes." "Jackie Joyner Jr." "Oy-vey." "Oy-vey." "Hello, nephew." "Nice to see after so many years on this planet you've held onto your yiddish." "Fourth grade is killing me, Uncle, just killing me." "I'm so bored." "Hmm." "School wasn't my favorite, either." "I'm kind of like a mini you, aren't I?" "Very much so." "But you've also got to be better than me, Dick." "If it's too easy for you, challenge yourself, okay?" "My God!" "It's like looking in a mirror." "Come on, people!" "Back to work!" " Look lively." " Brother." "I'm gonna go pick up my nephew from school." "You want shotgun?" "Yes, I want a shotgun..." "And a crossbow and a polo mallet." "Right." "Well, you know what they say." "If you can't beat them, look great in a scarf." " Hey, bro!" " Hey, jazzy!" "Looking good, DJ he seems real cool." "He's not cool!" "Don't fall for it." "♪ Yeah, stack money" "♪ watch me, watch me get busy, busy ♪" "♪ yo, travel 'round the world looking busy, busy ♪" "♪ stacking' money, stacking' chips all around the globe ♪" "♪ boy, you're filthy" "♪ I got what you want" "♪ boy, you're filthy maybe he's a little cool." "Thanks again for stopping by." "What can I say?" "I had an Amber craving." "Well, that sounded kind of creepy and weird." "Mm-hmm." "Wow!" "I must be the weirdest guy you've ever dated." "Thanks for the ride, Uncle DJ Jazzy Jeff." "Actually..." "Hey, Reggie!" "Hey, Jane." "This is my..." "Zak." "Please, call me Zak." "Only my grandmother calls me "my Zak."" "I was just going!" "I stopped by because I had an Amber craving." "Oh, well, I should probably get going, too." "Okay!" "Well, I'm going to exit uncomfortably and replay that weird moment in my head just a few thousand times." "Oh, I'm an expert at that." "I can give you some tips." "I see Jane is developing some sarcasm." "She's been taking night classes, yes." "So, zak's much Tom Cruise-ier than I imagined be." "Shut up." "No!" "Congrats." "He's very pretty." "I'm going right out to buy his action figure." "You're an ass." "Okay, I should probably go." "Okay." "Okay." "Okay." "Romeo." "What was that?" "That's..." "That is..." "I..." "I don't know." "Jane is your Zabvronian soul mate, yes?" "The one with whom the cosmos paired you?" "Yes, we've been linked since birth." "Our hearts beat as o..." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "I know the drill." "And Amber is your..." "Amber." "Much as I'd like to try and convince myself otherwise, she's my Amber." "Ah." "We're from different worlds, though." "I mean, if she was Zabvronian or if I was human..." "I know what you're gonna say, that I should throw caution to the wind." "Oh, nephew, I've spent my entire life throwing caution to that damned wind." "And that's what makes you so cool." "I'm a failure." "I'm the laughingstock, pretty boy of the family." "Jane is your soul mate." "You made a commitment to her before you were born." "Don't mess it up." "Or you'll end up like me." "And trust me, it's not half as cool as it looks." "I found a pen." "Don't let this undermine what I was just saying." "Hey, babe." " Want a little wine?" " No, thanks." " You want a lot of wine?" " No, thanks." "I'm good." "So, I've been trying to get you alone all day." "What's going on with Amber?" "Ohh." "Marty, I promised." "What?" "You had to promise her not to tell me?" "I did." "Well, it'd be a lot easier for you to tell me your secrets with a little bit of wine in you." "Come on." "Marty, she's confiding in me for the first time." "Just let me have one more day." "Then we'll all sit down and talk about it." "It's sit-down bad?" "No, no!" "In the grand scheme of things, it is not that bad." "If it was bad, I would tell you." "Just give me another day." "Drink the wine." "Here." "Just smell... smell it." "You love this." "It's your favorite." "I don't want any wine!" "Hey, hey, J.J.K, what do you say?" "Oh, your brother and I stayed up last night looking through the boys' baby albums." "Look!" "Look!" "It's dick's first handprint." "Oh, God." "We've talked about this." "My brother can provoke chaos all he wants, but we're in no position to have another..." "I know, DJ Jazzy Jeff helped me realize that this family is in no position to have another baby." "Well, that's just because he's not the one to raise it or de-bone it or..." "Wait." "I'm sorry." "What?" "Butkus." "Bird." "What are you doing?" "Oh, just powering through yet another mind-numbing essay." "I know it's rough, but it's important." "I know." "Uncle spoke to me." "He did?" "Forget everything he told you." "He told me that if the work isn't challenging enough, then it's my job to find the challenge." "Like when I de-boned myself!" "Oh." "Where are you going?" "Just delivering a little gift for the love of my life." "My baby teeth." "Enough with Amber!" "You have a soul mate!" "I know." "Uncle said the same thing." "This is for Jane, father." "What the hell is my brother up to?" "Getting everyone to do exactly as I wish." "Huh." "That's it." "I'm gonna have to bring in the big guns." "Jazzy Jeff," "Larry has been having a lot of feelings since you arrived, and it might be helpful for him to express them in a safe adult setting." " Okay." " Larry?" "Pbhhhhhhht!" "And, so, that was Larry." "He's always had a way with words." "What color are your eyes?" "Focus." "Focus!" "Brother, I don't know why you hate me so much." "I know father sent you." "I know you're here to convince our community to come home with you." "Your whole act is a lie." ""Everyone love me." "Everyone fall in love with me."" "You're completely full of a word that I would never be allowed to say on national television." "People have always like me." "It's true." "And I won't lie..." "I've always had a way with the ladies." "You really do!" "Pull yourself together, Dr. Hartley, please." "But the only person I've ever wanted to like me never has." "Brother." "All right." "I'll admit it." "I've done some things in the past that maybe would make you not want to trust me." "But I've come all this way to make amends." "I've grown up!" "But what else can I say?" "Except I love you." "And I only hope that one day you'll say the same." "W-wait." "Um..." "I'm not apologizing or anything, but it has to be said that I have been under a tremendous amount of pressure lately." "I know." "And you wouldn't believe how much this witch is charging me to sit there staring in judgment." "I know." "Sorry." "If..." "And this is only an "if"..." "I have been behaving like a neurotic fool, do you think you could ever forgive me?" " Don't you know, brother?" " I already have." "Oh, there, there." "Wonderful." " Just wonderful." " Dr. Hartley." "Please." "Oh." "I apologize." "It's all right." "Good night, brother." "I'm so glad we did that today." "I love you, brother." "I love you." "I love you." "I love you." "So?" "We have them just where we want them, father." "I read machiavelli the whole way here." "And I ordered something on Skymall, which reminds me..." "If my package arrives, it's my solar-powered swing hammock." "The Weaver family is the key." "If our community is to return home, you must destroy the bond between the two families." "I know, dad." "I'm telling you, everything is going according to plan." "And if you're wrong?" "If, in that unlikely first-time event," "I have just the thing to make sure the Bird, Kersee, and Weaver friendship ends for good." "Wait." "What are you sitting in?" "Did you snake my hammock?" "What?" "No!" "Dad!" "Someone's here." "Got to go." "Whoop." "Gah." "You must be Marty." "I'm Larry bird's brother." "Oh, right!" "DJ Jazzy Jeff." "Really nice meeting you." "I should get to work." "Nice to meet you, too, Marty." "And may I say, you're holding up very well considering the circumstances." "From what Jackie tells me about Amber," "I'm shocked you let her out of your sight." "Right?" "What?" "What?" "DJ Jazzy?" "Mr. Jazzy." "What did you s..." "What?" "Ooh, I know." "Phone!" "Oh." "Amber's dating a college boy?" "That doesn't qualify as really bad?" "Are you kidding me?" "!" " Told him?" " What?" "No!" "I forbid this, Amber." "I forbid you from seeing him!" "First of all, please stop talking to me like it's 1840." "She's only 17, Debbie." "And Zak is only 18, which makes this really not a big deal." "Mom, I hope that you enjoyed our girl talk because it's going to have to hold you for the next 50 years." "Oh, no, no, no, no." "I didn't find out from your mother." "I had to find out from DJ Jazzy Jeff." " The rapper?" " The neighbor!" "Wait a second!" "You told?" "What?" "I told you Amber's secret in confidence." "Amber made me promise not to tell Marty." "I didn't tell Marty." "I didn't tell Marty." "What's with the emphasis on "Marty"?" "No, you didn't tell Marty." "You told DJ Jazzy Jeff!" "Hmm." "You always do this, Jackie." "I can trust you just about as far as I can kick you." "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" "Easy, shia lebeouf, that's my line." "Do me a favor and stay out of this, okay, Larry?" "Oh, did Marty find out about Amber's college boyfriend?" "Shut..." "You told him?" "!" "What?" "Why the emphasis on "him"" "like I'm Marty?" "Jackie, trust..." " Oh." " Hi, Uncle DJ Jazzy Jeff." "What's going on down there?" "Oh, chaos ensuing." "You know, the usual." "Nephew, I fear I gave you some bad advice yesterday regarding Amber." "No, you gave me sound advice." "We're a different species, Amber and I." "Love can't conquer all, much as I'd like it to." "What if I told you it could?" "You're gonna keep saying that?" "You're gonna keep saying that?" "No, you heard me." "So there!" "Say it again." "Say it one more time, Larry, and I will knock your block off." " Farty Marty!" " Oh, my God." "Oh!" "Everyone, stop yelling." "Have news." "Per my Uncle's advice," "I've decided to challenge myself academically." "I applied for Harvard." "I'll most likely be moving to Boston in the fall." "Reggie, now's not a good time." "I just got into it with my parents." "Do you love me?" "What?" "We've been over this a million times." "I know." "And I know that we can't be together because of..." "What I am." "But the thing is, what if I told you that inside this box is something that could make me human?" "If I told you that, would that be enough?" "What are you talking about?" "I love you, Amber." "I've loved you since the very first moment I saw you." "I could leave tomorrow and you would remain the great love of my life until the day I died." "Just... pretend I'm just another kid from New Jersey." "If I could be that, could you..." "Yes." "♪ I'm still in love with you yes." "I think I'm gonna have to hear you say it." "♪ The way my beats when you walk into the room ♪" "You're gonna make me say it, huh?" "I'm about to completely alter my genetic makeup." "I'd like to hear the words." "Reggie Jackson, you are a gigantic pain in my ass and, I fear, the great love of my life." "♪ I'm still in love with you" "I love you, Reggie." "I've always loved you." "♪ The way my heart beats when you walk into the room ♪" "Everyone, I have an announcement." "I'm going to become human." "Where did you get that?" "Son, you can't be..." "I am." "This is the only way for Ramber..." "Don't call us Ramber." " Amgie." " No." "This is the only way for Amber and I to be together." "I don't care what you say, father." "I'm going to do this." "Reggie Jackson, have you really thought about what you're saying?" "You'd give up everything you are to be with Amber." "What is with the emphasis on "Amber"?" "He could do a lot worse than Amber, Jackie." "Enough!" "Dick." "You are not moving to Boston." "Reggie, you are not turning human." "Pack up the house." "We leave tomorrow." "But..." "I am the supreme leader and that is an order, Reggie." "All of you, our mission to earth is over." "This has gone too far." "We're going home." "Congratulations, brother." "You win." "Well, I suppose I should say something." "How did you put it so eloquently?" "Pbhhhhhhhht." "Keep secrets from me, right?" "We're the weavers, right?" "We're supposed to keep secrets." "It's a secret-free house!" "Secret-free!" "What the..." "I told you we were going for it." "Yes." "Wait till you see what happens next week."