"For the human animal, of course, sex isn't simply for reproduction, but it's also an important form of recreation and release." "That's true." "For the adult male deprived of sex, the build-up of testosterone can have potentially dangerous behavioral side effects." "That's also true." "For the maintenance of societal norms, regular sexual release... can be viewed as a necessity for men." "Very, very true, actually." "Indeed, such is the level of this primal compulsion, many - in fact, most men - continue with regular masturbation, even while in a stable sexual relationship." " No!" " Disaster!" "I know." " Perfect." " Brilliant!" " I know." " Charlie Dimmock." " What?" " Oh, nothing." "I can't believe they put stuff like that on television." "It's irresponsible." "It's like all those sex scenes when you were a kid... they were always timed for maximum embarrassment." "BBC bastards!" "You thought the BBC were trying to embarrass you with sex scenes?" "I swear." "I thought the TV was plotting against me." "I'd be in my bedroom watching a film, and it's just a couple having dinner, or.. or a detective solving a crime." "It's all perfectly innocent, and as soon as my dad comes up the stairs, suddenly it's all baby oil and nipples." "Every time!" "I thought every actress in the country, was programmed to expose her breasts, the moment my father reached a certain altitude." " So did you ask?" " If he still... you know." "Goes solo." "I didn't want to ask." "I had no interest in asking." "But all I could hear was me sitting there not asking." "It was so obvious." " He does, though, doesn't he?" " He's a man." "It's not just a right hand, it's a whole relationship." " Michael Aspel." " Where?" "Oh, no, he's not here." " Then why did you just say his name?" " It doesn't matter." "Anthea Turner." "Jane, please." "What are you doing?" " I've developed a new talent." " A new talent?" "Last Wednesady - it just arrived." "Amazing, isn't it?" "What is this new talent?" "Just by looking at someone, I can determine their ideal celebrity friend." "Point is, men can't be allowed solo access to their erections." "They're not like us." "They've only got so many goes in them per day." "I know." "But Steve needs his Mariella moment." " Fern Britten." " Sorry?" "That's yours." "Fern Britten." "Why Fern?" "Assertive, intelligent, successful woman, but with a larger bottom than you!" " You're good." " I know!" "Mariella moment?" "Did she ask?" "You know..." " ask?" " If you still..." "You know, Frostrup..." "Frostrup?" "Yeah." "Steve's whole fantasy life revolves around Mariella Frostrup." "Jeff, please." "If he ever meets Mariella Frostrup in person, his right hand will shout, "Mother!"" "It'd be like, you know, the end of E.T. when he saw the spaceship." " There'll be organ music." " Thank you for clearing that up, Jeff." "Hey... "organ" music!" "Yes, Jeff." "So, did she ask about your..." "Frostruping?" "She didn't have to ask the actual question, did she?" "It was just there." "Of course it was." "It's out there, it's circling." "We're sitting there in silence and there it is, just throbbing in the air between us." "Wasn't that a bit tactless?" "The "question" was throbbing, Patrick." " Like an accusation." " Exactly." " You're choking the chicken." " You're strangling the python." "You're shaking the caravan, Jeffrey." "Sorry, I, uh..." "drifted off a bit there." "Family holidays, eh?" "God, they went on a bit, didn't they?" "It's not a big deal." "I don't mind." "But the silence is just getting longer and longer." " So what happened?" " Valerie Singleton." "I'm sorry?" "Your celebrity match." "Valerie Singleton." "You can be all sensible and organized together, and make lots of lists." " I can see that." " It's uncanny, isn't it?" " I'm thinking of writing a book..." " A book?" ""How to target and befriend the right celebrity."" " Really?" " You've got to use the right techniques." " Slipping the mobile, for instance." "That's a good one." " What's that, then?" "You accidentally on purpose slip your mobile phone into a celebrity's pocket." "Then you ring them up, saying you've lost your phone... and you meet up for a lovely chat." " That's clever, actually." " Yeah." "Except..." "I've had to give up owning a mobile." "I had my last three blown up by Prince William's security." "So you want to write a book about how to stalk celebrities?" "It's not stalking in my case." "I'm a celebrity myself." "Jane, you report traffic congestion on local radio." "Anyway, I don't recommend "actual" stalking." "That's best left as a threat." "You know, with your real unapproachables, like Loraine Kelly and Salman Rushdie." "Salman Rushdie?" "I had a real thing for him." "But he's such a tricky one to track down." " I had to use my "full" range of techniques." " There was a fatwa on him." "He was sentenced to death by the Ayatollah." "I know." "It got "so" out of hand." "Speaking of getting out of hand... what happened with Steve?" "Have you ever been so self-conscious you've forgotten how to breathe regularly?" "Oh, yeah." "Sure." "It's like when you're sitting on a bus and there's this woman..." "That's the worst." "I can't move!" "I'm totally clenched!" "If I'd have stood up, I'd have taken the sofa." "I could feel him getting tenser and tenser, which would've been fine - it would've been ok, except..." "What?" "Have you ever seen Steve trying to seem relaxed?" "I was just trying to seem relaxed." " I had a moment of madness." " What did you do?" "What are you doing?" " What?" " Why are you whistling?" "I just... felt like some music?" " So you whistled?" " It's an option." "Why don't you go put on a CD or something?" "I'm not in the mood for a whole CD." "Sometimes you want a full orchestra and sometimes you just want a..." "Quick whistle?" "Apparently." " What are you so annoyed about?" " Who said I was annoyed?" "You only say "apparently" when you're really annoyed about something." "Look..." "I don't mind you whistling, ok?" "Everybody "whistles"... now and again." "Particularly men." "It's perfectly natural." "Right." "As long as you don't get "whistled" out." " Subtle." " Very." " Blunt!" " Evil!" "By the way, I've invited my parents for a late supper on Wednesday night," "Here, if that's ok." "Don't worry, I'll cook." "Your parents." "Great." "That'll be..." "great." "What's so bad about her parents?" " Wednesday - that's tonight." " I'm just getting up the courage, mate." "Why?" "What do her parents do?" " They talk about "sex"." " No!" "They're incredibly open about everything." "The whole family is." "Susan too." "They talk about sex like it's a completely normal thing." "Are they insane?" "Parents have no business talking about sex." "It's not their area." "It's disgusting." "It's like when you find your dad's magazines." "Exactly!" " Or you hear your parents doing it." " Oh, yeah, I've been there." "Or your mother starts making enormous sculptures of erections, and filling the house with them." "That's what I hate!" " I'm sorry?" " Tons of the bastards, all over the place!" "Some of them were huge!" "We had to keep one of them in the garden shed." "You grew up in a house full of erections?" "My mum said it was a celebration of love." "Of love?" "That's a bit of a leap." "She used to keep the ones that had gone wrong in a box... under my bed." "Trust me, you don't want to know about my nightmares." "I went out with a girl once who made a sculpture of... you know..." "Junior Patrick." " Junior Patrick?" " You call it Junior Patrick?" "Yeah." "She said it was her best-ever model." "She said she'd never had to use so much material." "Yeah, ok." "We know." "There's big, there's balance problem... and there's "Bazooka Man"!" "Well, not one to boast, boys, but she said that in all her years of sculpting... she'd never had so much room for the battery compartment." "Battery compartment?" "In a sculpture?" "Yeah." "I always meant to ask her about that." "As soon as she finished, I never saw her again." "Right." "Last I heard she started up some kind of mail-order company." "You know what, though?" "She'd misspelled "mail"." "I think you may have been had, mate." "And a lot more often than you realize." "I think my time is up." "Hey." "Just passing." "Thought I'd check you hadn't forgotten." "Of course, I haven't forgotten." "How can anyone forget your parents?" "What'd you mean by that?" "Nothing." "Your parents are great." "They're really... great." " Good." " Great." " Well, we should be going." " Fantastic." " I'm just gonna pop to the loo." " I hope there's a lock on the door." "You know, you wouldn't want to have to "whistle" or anything." "Yes, you're looking very nice today, Sally." "But I'm sure I'll manage to contain my excitement." "Good." " Is something wrong?" " It's just my stockings." "Oh, are you wearing stockings, too?" "Come on!" "I'm just going to the loo, for God's sake." "Sally isn't wearing stockings." "I happen to know she's wearing tights and thermal pants." "Okay." "That's just one step too far!" "All right." "Here's the deal." "I'm going to the loo, ok?" "Nothing's gonna happen here that's gonna cause me to lose control." "I'm so sorry." "Are you ok?" "I've got my drink all down you." "I really am sorry." "You're soaking." " It's her, isn't it?" " E.T. phone home!" "I'm fine, really." "I've completely soaked your trousers." "Don't worry about it." "I was about to go to the toilet anyway." "Not that I was intending to wet my trousers, obviously." "Although I am pleased to meet you." "Right." " I'm Steve, by the way." " Hello, Steve." "Oh!" "And this is my girlfriend..." "Susan!" "Who?" "Oh, yes!" " Uh, this is Susan." " Hi, Susan." "My girlfriend." "Right." "Well, uh... good to meet you." "Sorry again." "Uh..." "look, I..." " We'll talk about it later." " Right." " At length." " Yes." "He forgot her name." " He forgot to go to the loo." " I know." "You'd think he'd want a last look at them." "Jane?" "Mariella Frostrup is "so" me." "You got a plan to meet her, then?" "There's always a way, Sally." "Always." "Right." "Here we go, then." "Susan's just in the kitchen doing all that..." "Well, you know, whatever it is she does in the kitchen." "Great." "Well, I can see Susan's been making her mark here." "Well, you know how it is." "She spends rather a lot of time here these days, doesn't she?" "Most of the time, really." " Well, you know..." " Oh, we know." "Naughty, naughty." "Oh, yes, we're... naughty." "We're ever so naughty." "Well, I mean, fairly naughty." "Uh, actually, probably about medium naughty." "Well, medium to fairly, I'd say." "It's great how we can talk about these things, isn't it?" "I mean, being so open." "It's really great." "Well, there's no point in being all prissy, is there?" "No." "Absolutely not." "Prissy" " I hate that." "So, Susan tells us you've started doing solos." "Her dad's just the same, aren't you dear?" "Well, no harm in it, is there Steve?" " Well, no... no, no, of course not." " Exactly." " It's perfectly natural." " Of course it is." "Well, I've always said to Susan, if you're going to live with a man, you've got to get used to "all" his funny little habits." "Oh, right." "Good." " You ok, Steve?" " Yes, yes." " It's just you look a little unrelaxed." " No, no." "Not at all." "Not me." "I mean, you know what they say." "If music be the food of love, then masturbation is just a snack between meals." "I mean, we all do it, don't we?" "I do." "That's for sure." "I mean, I get turned on if I see my right hand "naked"." " How are we all doing in here?" " We're just getting relaxed." "Just having a good ol' relaxed chat." "I was just telling mom and dad about how you've started whistling to yourself." "Dad's just the same, aren't you dad?" "Yes, I am." "I... "whistle"." "Yes, he "whistles"... tunes..." "Solo." "Back in a moment." " Susan probably needs a hand." " Not as much as you do." "Apparently." "Oh, I know her." "And her." "Over here." "They're not really lesbians." "Trust me." "Ok." "What do you think?" "What am I supposed to be looking for?" "That's me." "The one at the back, that's mine." "I don't believe it." "I've been sold." "She sold me as a sex aid." "You sure that's you?" "I mean... all of it?" "Excuse me." "Could we have a closer look at one of these, please?" " Which one?" " Right at the back, there." "The scary one." "Oh, the Junior Patrick." "You're Mariella Frostrup." "Yes, I know." "What a coincidence." "I'm sorry?" "I'm in the business, too." " Really?" " So that's a coincidence, isn't it?" "What do you do?" "I deal mostly with traffic issues." "Oh, you're more show biz though, aren't you?" " Well, and Panorama." " Well, yes, Panorama." "I'm really pleased to see you tackling more serious journalism these days." "Thank you." "I quite often have to handle the north circular myself." "When you say "traffic" issues...?" "Well, I mean I report... on traffic." "From a helicopter." " Quite a big one." " Really?" "I see it very much as a stepping stone." "But in the meantime it's a real chance to influence..." " traffic." " Traffic?" "It's great, actually." "I tell a few little fibs, and, suddenly, I've got a very easy drive home." "And once a month, I get to really take it out on the A-40." "I always say what other job... outside of a nuclear submarine, allows you to work off your PMT on a whole city?" "Maybe it's just the name, maybe she just named it after you." "I don't know." "It's very similar." " Even that bit?" " Definitely that bit." "So you guys gonna buy this or what?" ""We're" not buying it." " We're not buying it "together" or anything." " No, it's a gift." "It's a gift for someone else who is not us." " A "completely" different person." " A woman person." " We know lots of those." " In fact, I want it gift-wrapped." "It's a gift." "I'd like it wrapped like a gift." "Okay?" "Ok." "Do you want to start an acount with us?" "No, thank you." "We can give you a code name." "It's very discreet." "No, really, it's not necessary." "Yeah." "We don't need accounts." "We don't need code names." "So just wrap that, will you?" "This lot's to be sent off to "Caravan Shaker"." "Out the back." "Oh, for God's sake!" " I'm sorry, but you're gonna have to go!" " I don't understand." " What did I say?" " You know perfectly well what you said!" "It was completely out of line!" "There is openness, and then there is "openness"." "You overstepped the line!" "I really don't understand!" "I think it's just better if we bring the evening to an end." "Thank you!" "Good night!" " This is ridiculous!" " The boy's gone mad!" "I'm sorry... but "that" was completely out of line." " Did you hear what he just said?" " Yes, I heard what he said." "First of all, he spent all evening winding me up about "whistling", about how I'll tire out my lips if I whistle too much." "He just meant whistling." "Actual whistling." "He was embarrassed." "He was trying to make jokes." " But you heard what he said just then." " Yes, I did." ""All that whistling, by the time Susan gets home you'll be too tired to..." "Well, actually, I don't want to use the word he used." ""Pucker"." "By the time Susan gets home you'll be too tired to "pucker"." "Pucker?" "Pucker." " Not..?" " No." "I see." "Well, I suppose you think this is all my fault." "Steve!" "It's at least partly the television's fault, if they hadn't put that programme on!" "It is not the television's fault!" "It is your fault!" "Now go and find them!" "Yes, yes." "All right." "Anyway, I've really got to go now, you know?" "I've got this "live" broadcast thing, mustn't be late." "But it's really good we met each other, isn't it?" "'Cause it's a tough old business, and we need all the help you can get." "Well, I suppose." "If there's ever any help we can be to each other, please don't hesitate to offer." "Look, I'll see you around, ok?" "Oh!" "She's "mine"." " How did it go?" " I think I came across well." "Although I did mention nuclear weaponry in the context of PMT." "I must stop doing that." " I want in." " On Mariella?" "Yeah." "Sorry." "There's no passengers." "You don't have the skills." "No." "But I've got this." "The Mariella mobile." "The hot line to Frostrup." "I want to be a Mariella mate, too." " What about Susan?" " Susan's not part of the deal." ""We're" gonna be Mariella's friends now." "There isn't room for everybody." " We?" " Just you and me." " Susan's out." " She's my oldest friend." "Okay." "Do you know what this is?" "Do you know what this simple phone is, Sally?" "It's a golden ladder to celebrityland." "With just this phone, we can ascend to a whole new plane of existence." "We can leave the drab, ordinary world behind, and go to all those parties in the colour supplements." "We'll have famous people for friends." "And go to their houses and see their toilets!" "Nothing, nothing, Sally..." "is ever gonna be dull again." "Ok, here goes." "And it's all down to "your" phone." "Ok." "How long do you think we should wait before we ring that "Mariella mobile"?" "Jane..." "I realized what I just said... so "pucker", I thought, sounds like..." " You see?" "So he must have thought I said..." "That's exactly what he thought." "So we thought we'd better come back and sort it all out." "So he's still out looking for us?" "Probably buying you flowers or a bottle of something." "Those are his normal guilt reflexes." "Better try and get hold of him." " Steve, I need to speak to Susan." " What's so urgent?" "She's the only ex I can trust." "I need a second opinion." " What is it?" " A sculpture." "This isn't a good moment, ok?" "I'll see you tomorrow." " It's important." "Just show it to her." " Some other time!" " Look, they've got satellite." " Oh, Robert." "By the nationwide poster campaign..." "Oh, please, not her." "Steve's completely obsessed with Mariella Frostrup." "Don't be ridiculous." "Of course I'm not." " That's my mobile." " No, it's me." "I was just trying to get hold of you." "Where is my phone?" "Actually" " I'm sorry." "Is that, is that a phone ringing?" "Sounds like you forgot to turn your mobile phone off, Mariella." "This isn't mine." "I've never seen this phone before in my life." "Come on, who did it?" "Answer it." "Give 'em a fright." "Hello, this is Mariella Frostrup." "You are live on television." "Hello?" "This is Steve Taylor's phone." "He's not gonna be "live" anywhere!" "Bloody television!" "Every single time!" "Obviously, she must have picked up my mobile." " Uh... accidentally." " Apparently." "Good night, mother." "Good night, father." " Where are you going?" " To my room!" "You mean "my" room?" " "That's" your room!" " On the sofa?" " Good night, Steve." " Oh, come on Susan..." "And Steve, if you want anyting tonight, anything at all... just whistle." "You know how to whistle, don't you Steve?" "As I recall, you just put your lips together..." "Not tonight, lover..." " Perhaps we'd better go." " I'm sorry." "I think..." "I've probably run out of ways to make the evening worse." " I don't know how to apologize." " No, I imagine you don't." "But I suppose we have to give you credit for trying." "Good night." "Good night." "Actually..." "Well, thanks for phoning, Sally." "I should have known you two had something to do with it." "Mind you, it was worth it just to see the look on his face when Mariella answered the phone." "No." "I'm still at Steve's." "I'm gonna go later." "Apparently, the traffic in town is really hellish." "The A-40's at a standstill." "Yeah." "Ok, then." "See you." "Bye." "Steve?" "What's all this?" "Apparently your mother really liked her present."