"Good morning." " Morning." "I'd like to introduce myself" "I'm your neighbour from the upstairs." "Laurence" "How do you do." " How do you do." "It's five-thirty in the morning." "And I have also lived here for" "Thirty years now." "Well, welcome." " Thank you." "Was there anything else?" " Cup of tea would be nice." "Cup of tea?" "How are we gonna do this?" "Are you gonna ask questions or do I just talk?" "Whichever you prefer." "That's the couch, right?" " The sofa, yes." "Do I sit or do I lie?" "What do most people do?" " Most people sit." "Right." "I want to talk about love, friendship and deceit." "I want to talk about the fact that up until three days ago there were three people, friends, best friends since our first day at school." "Frank, Daniel and me." "We just looked out for each other or at least I looked out for them." "That's the way it's always been." "Anyway, three people whose lives were okay." "Not perfect, but okay." "But that was three days ago." "Daniel was in the States finalising some record deal and was on his way home." "Mate, what can I say?" "You rock, mate." "I'm very excited." "Chuck, we'll speak." "Bye." "He's this hotshot executive in the music business, you know the type." "Re-invented the seventies single-handed." "Only flies first class." "Hits on every good-looking woman in sight." "Which always leads to problems with Frank." "Frank..." "What can I tell you about Frank?" "He's a penniless, out of work actor, consumed with envy for Daniel and I'm the one stuck in the middle." "There'd been some competition over a french actress." "And Frank wouldn't stop talking about it on the way to dinner that night." "Nicky the agent calls me up, right." "She's got this French actress coming over from Paris, so she's throwing this big dinner party in her honour." "She needs men." "So she wants me to bring Daniel cos she's read some article in some bloody magazine about how bloody eligible he is." "Right, so we get to this restaurant and this" "French actress is like this bombshell right?" "So, Nicky takes me!" "And places me next to bombshell woman, place of honour." "And conversation through the evening is really flowing like a river, you know." "And it turns out that she has got this break in her schedule coming up the following weekend and she wants me to give her a call." "So, next day, I give her a call." "No reply." "Day after that, give her a call, no reply." "Next day, Nicky phones me up to tell me that bombshell woman has gone to Venice with bloody Daniel!" "Now, answer me a question." "Is that the behaviour of a friend?" "Cos I tell you the only reason he was interested is cos I was interested." "Frank, don't be so paranoid." "What'll you have?" "So, I try and convince myself that the stuff you always go on about, how we're the closest friends we'll ever have'." "And you wanna know the truth?" "I hate him!" "I hate him, he hates me." "There's a pleasing kind of symmetry to it." "Both hate each other with the kind of commitment you only get from childhood friends." "Next time I see him I'm gonna break his nose." "Break his nose, then break his bloody jaw Jesus Christ!" "You know the true..." "He went on and on in the way that only Frank can." "The acting in him was getting him down." "He hadn't worked in years." "And he was in a bad way." "I needed to talk to Daniel, but Daniel was in Minneapolis." "and about to cause us even more trouble." "It all began with something as simple as a trolley." "Sorry, that's mine." " I beg your pardon?" " That's my cart." "No." "Because I saw it all the way back there and..." "No I just put a dollar fifty in the machine." " Really?" " Yes." "Well then it's yours." " Thank you." "Let me help you with that please." " Thank you." "I always heard you British guys were gentlemen." "You are British, aren't you?" "English, actually, yeah." " English, actually." "That's where I'm going." "London." "Thanks." "Like your bags." "You got the whole set, huh?" "Sharp." "I want you to upgrade her ticket and put her in the seat next to me." "I'm sorry, I can't do that." " Why not?" "She's on a different flight." " A different..." "But she said she was going to London." " Oh, she is but two hours later and, rather crucially in this case I think with a different airline." "Oh, come on, you people, you have deals with each other, you can fix something." "In this case you need to buy fresh ticket." "That's five thousand dollars." "One way." "Now, are you sure you don't want to think about this?" "You know, airports do funny things to people." " I've made up my mind." "In that case, you want to bring the lady over, sir, I need to see her passport." "No, you don't understand." "This has to be a coincidence, right." "She mustn't know I did this." " So what do you want me to do, sir?" "Well, make up some excuse." "About the flight being full, or there's a special offer or maybe this airline just picked her." "Just picked her?" "Here's your seat, madam." "Champagne?" "Here come the freebies." "It's just that word "complimentary"." "You know, it really gets me going." "It's like, if drinks are on the house my first thought isn't "oh, how fabulous, how wonderful"." "No, it's "how many?"" "not that I'm an alcoholic." "Now, my ex-husband Jerry..." "Would you excuse me one moment?" "Something had gone wrong." "Daniel needed to make a decision." "At the time it was about first class or economy." "Not something you'd think would change the rest of our lives." "But a lot can happen in three days." "And in three days it's all fallen apart." "#MARTHA" " MEET FRANK, DANIEL AND LAURENCE#" "Hi!" " Hi!" "This is weird, huh?" " It's..." "I'm Martha, by the way." " Daniel." "Hello." " Daniel with the matching bags." "That's me." "Do you want to hear something incredible?" "Yeah, sure." "I'm standing in line, you know, waiting to checkin, when this man in uniform, he walks up to me and he's like" "Congratulations, madam, you are the one hundred thousandth passenger to fly on this airline, this route, this year." "Really?" " Yes, and to mark the occasion a completely different airline would like to fly you first class to London."" "Do you have any idea how much those seats cost?" " Remind me." "Five thousand dollars." "I mean, what kind of a jackass would waste money like that, you know." "So, I told him to give me the cash, you know, but he wouldn't so I sold the ticket to a woman who couldn't wait to give me two thousand dollars for it." "Two thousand dollars!" "Plus, you know, my seat's fine, I feel good." "I feel great." "How do you feel." " Great." "Would you like one of these?" "Sir?" " I'm fine, thank you." "Oh, just can't keep away from each other." " Yeah." "the captain just said we've got a tailwind." "Which means we'll be in London about half an hour early, which is great." "Is someone meeting you there?" "Do you know anyone in London?" " No." "Is it your first time out of the States?" " Maybe." "So why London?" "Paris was three hundred dollars." "LA was a hundred and eighty-eight." "Mexico City was three-fifty." "Seattle was one-thirty." "But London was ninety-nine." "What, you coming to London cos it was ninety-nine dollars?" " Yeah." "And it seemed like a good place to start." "Start what?" "The rest of my life." "You mean you're never going back?" "Nothing to go back for." "Except working like a mule, an apartment I can't afford and a man who used me to amuse his friends." "You think I'm crazy?" " No, of course I don't." "Well, actually, yes." "Yes, I do." "How much money did you bring?" "Do you mind me asking?" "Thirty-five dollars." " Thirty-five dollars!" "They'd have put you on the first plane back." " Yeah, right." "Even with nice British gentlemen like yourself around, Daniel." "The ticket, Daniel." " What ticket?" "What ticket?" "You didn't expect me to believe that story, did you?" "The one hundred..." " Please, I'm flattered, really" "No-one's ever done anything like that for me before." "Thank you." "Plus, now I have two thousand and thirty-five dollars." "Our conversation earlier." "I don't think you're crazy at all." "I work seventy hours a week and I earn a fortune." "And d'you know how big my flat is?" "Three thousand square feet." "And the day after I moved in I paid half a dozen people who I'd never met before to decorate it." "And one of the rooms they called the library." "And they filled it full of books." "Thousands of books on every subject." "And they're all second-hand." "You know why?" "It was cheaper?" " No." "It's so it looks like they've been read." "See, I have the home of a widely read widely travelled, deeply interesting man... with taste." "And that's not you." "No" "Not even the interesting bit?" "You know what you should do?" "You should just pack up and clear out." "Bring things back from your travels, you know putting the books up one by one after you've read them." "Just pack up and go, huh?" "To hell with the consequences, you know." "Yeah, one day I might just do that." "Look, I shouldn't be doing this, okay, but there's this hotel my company has an arrangement with and as a welcome to London and a token of goodwill" "I'd like you to stay there on your first night." "No, you know I can't accept it." " No, what, no strings." "Please" "And you have to join me for lunch tomorrow" "That's the catch..." "You think that's a catch?" "Many people would be delighted by that." "Passport, please, sir." " So that's the address of the hotel, okay, and here's my card." "Daniel with the matching bags." "Cute." "Does it say that on the card?" " No." "So you ring me tomorrow, yeah?" " Oh, yeah, I won't forget." "You won't forget?" " First thing." "Thank you very much." "Passport, please, sir?" "Thank You." "Hello, it's Daniel Alfrey." "Yeah, has she arrived?" " Oh, excellent." "Look I want you to get a bouquet and send it up to her room." "Would you do that?" "No, preferences." "I'm sure it'll be beautiful." "Thank you." "Bye" "What, does he think I'm blind?" "It's right there on page two of the contract." "So tell him to sign it and get it over here by lunchtime." "Right okay?" "Bye." "Martha Dowling." "She's not a client, is she?" "No, not exactly." "This hotel bill mysteriously found its way into company expenses." "I was about to authorise it and then realised you'd obviously made a mistake." "And were intending to settle it yourself." "Yeah." "I was." "Of course I was." "Champagne for two at midnight?" "For Two?" "It was unprecedented." "Daniel being given the runaround by a woman." "You can imagine what followed." "Phone calls, phone calls, more phone calls." "Suddenly, Daniel needed us after all." "I love my mother." "I love her." "I love my mother." " Frank come on, please!" "I can't believe I've got this audition in two hours." "Frank, he sounded desperate." " What the hell is that?" " Please, come on." "Christ, well I'm gonna break his nose, first his nose, then his flipping jaw!" "Get this: he even offered to pay for the meal." "Fuck!" "This has never happened to me before." "I can't concentrate on work, I can't eat." "Do I look pale?" " I can't believe we had to meet about this." "Frank, she was giving me the signals, okay?" "A man can tell." "Yeah, right." "Like champagne at midnight with somebody else!" "You're a musk magnet, Daniel." "If you'd met her, you'd understand." "I've been trying to understand since we got here." "So, you meet some girl at an airport, you get a big rush of blood to your head it costs you a fortune, and because she treats you like a jerk, you immediately fall in love with her." "If humiliation is what you desire I'll arrange it, gladly, any time, would be my pleasure, but don't let this..." "Martha." " Martha ruin your life." "What's the big attraction anyway?" "You screw her?" " Oh, I can't believe he said that." "She's obviously screwing everyone else." " She's different, Frank." "She's different from anybody I've ever met." "Laurence, help me out here, you understand these things." "Describe for Frank the perfect woman." "Please." " Now you're just being sad." "The perfect woman." "Well she'd have a light in her eyes." " Yes." "And an infectious, wonderful smile." " Yes." "Talking to her you found you'd told her things you've never told anyone." "I did, I did that." " Began to see things in a way you've never seen them before." " Yes." "Leaving her, you knew somehow that things had irreversibly changed would never be the same again." " Yes!" "Exactly, thank you!" "So he didn't screw her?" " Of course I didn't sleep with her!" "Apart from the fact that I don't sleep with anybody on a first date, okay we were on an aeroplane together." "Everyone has sex on aeroplanes, Daniel." " What are you talking about?" "Where?" "In the cockpit, in the toilet, in the..." "I did it between London and Amsterdam." "London Amsterdam's forty minutes." "They don't even let you out of your seats." "I didn't say it was great sex." "It was a rushed job, but..." "And how d'you do it?" "Standing up or sitting down?" "What do you want, the flipping video?" "What's the matter with you?" "Hey, look at Florence." "Are you okay?" " Yeah, I'm fine." "Yeah, are you all right, Flo?" "You look a bit pale." " It's nothing." "What's your opinion on all this, mate?" "My opinion?" "I was just thinking, the fact that she hasn't called you doesn't necessarily mean she's not interested." " You don't think?" " No." "Plus: we should consider the fact that most women that meet you do find you very attractive." "Not all of them." " I see no reason why this one should be any different." "She may have just lost your card." " She may have lost my card." "and may be walking round London right now, wishing she knew where to find you." "You see, that is friendship!" " That's the way I see it." "I hadn't even thought of the card." "Thank you, Laurence." "Thank you." "I feel much better now." "Split this three ways?" "Will we bollocks!" "It's over a hundred quid." "So?" " So I can't afford that." "You suggested this yupped-up overpriced dump." "You can flipping pay!" "Frank, please." "If you can't afford it then stay at home." "Honestly, because this happens every time, it's embarrassing." "Thank you." "Keep the change." "Maybe if you didn't piss away what little money you have on cheap wine and space invaders or..." " No, maybe if I didn't piss away what little money I have on yuppie uptight posing parlours like this dump." " I swear to God" "I'm gonna punch his lights out." " Yeah, dream on sad boy." "Touch me with one finger, you die!" "Oh, shut up, both of you!" "You really want to hit each other, hit each other." "Just get it over and done with!" "Anything but talking about it all the time." "It gives me a headache." "It was your fault." "Let's go." "Come on, get up." "Laurence, bye-bye, mate." "Sorry." " I'll see you when I see you." "Bye." " Taxi." "Actually, look, I've been meaning to speak to you about the actress." "Yeah, just don't." " Well, it's just Nicky mentioned how upset you were, so I thought" "I was not upset." "You know Laurence was concerned enough about your condition to drive all the way out to the airport to speak to me about you." "Because your behaviour recently has been a little crazy, okay?" "You want my opinion?" "You should go out there, you should do this audition, you should get a life." "And maybe then you wouldn't be such a pain in the arse." "Taxi." "City, please." "I love my mother deeply, but then she smokes she drinks, she quite openly lives with that novelist, she... but then she smokes, she drinks she quite openly lives with that novelist" "I love my mother." "I love my mother deeply." "And then she smokes, she drinks, she quite openly lives with that novelist." "Shit!" "Papa's got a head like a pingpong ball, Papa's got a head like a ping-pong ball..." "Okay, and next." "Uncle, what could be sillier or more hopeless than the position I found myself in often enough?" "Solid rows of celebrities sitting in her drawing room" "Good." "Okay, let's go the next one." "What is it, Frank, Frank McEwan?" "What do you mean he's gone?" "Did you know, if you walk through this park you get a unique of history England?" "Oh, yeah." "It says, if you go north you see the Houses of Parliament, right telling us that this is a democracy." "If you go west you see the Queen's Guards reminding us that this is a monarchy." "If you look east you see the flags of the Commonwealth reminding us that this was once an empire." "And if you look south you get water reminding us that this is an island." "Did you know that the City of London is built on ancient Roman burial grounds?" "No." "Didn't know that." " Oh, yeah." "There's over a hundred and fifty different languages spoken in London." "And that the residential population is eight million, rising to ten million in the summer time." "Ten million people." "That's a lot of people." " Yeah." "Especially when you're just looking for one." "One in ten million." "Sir?" "Can I have a sip of your drink?" "I'm out." "Thank you." "I'm Marha, by the way." "I know." "You can't know, it's impossible." "No, you can't." "You're American and you're looking for someone that you think that you know that you're in love with because you feel it right here don't you?" "Actually it was here." "It was like a thunderbolt." " A thunderbolt?" "Right what does that feel like?" "Just for my education." "What does that feel like, to be struck by a thunderbolt?" "Happened in the airport." "I was carrying my bags, you know crowds everywhere, confusion, you know and then all of a sudden there was no more noise." "There was just him and there was me." "And I felt sick, you know?" "And it makes me so angry." "Because that was not the plan." "The plan was a future of irresponsible liaisons and roads paved in gold." "The plan was not waking up alone in a hotel room, lonely and in love, booking the first flight home." "What, you're going home?" "Yeah there's a flight that leaves tomorrow night." "Isn't it pathetic?" "Twenty-four hours in a brand new life and I completely choke." "And now my only hope is that when go home no-one will have even noticed that I'd left." "You know, that way I can get my job back and my apartment." "Oh my god!" "That whisky really hit me." "Yeah, me too." "They really should know by now." "Listen, I don't suppose you'd consider taking a coffee... with a certain pathetic, spineless drunk?" "They say 'like attracts like' right?" "They do, don't they." "Right, coffee or tea?" " Yeah, I'll have tea." "Here." "Two teas, please, mate." " Right you are, son." "Hello?" " Yeah, it's me!" "I've got her." " Who?" "What do you mean who?" "Her!" "Daniel's American!" "what do you mean, got her?" "Well eating out of my hand." "You know, pupils dilating, kind of 'got her'." "Frank, tell me, where are you now?" "In the cafe in the park." "I can't wait to tell Daniel." "I am really gonna enjoy this." "Frank, listen to me." " Look, I haven't got time for a moral discussion Florence." "I just wanted to tell someone the good news." "It was the worst thing that could have happened." "And with the destructive mood Frank was in... left alone to seduce her." "Well, you can imagine how I felt." "You know your face is so familiar to me." "You look like somebody." " My face is probably familiar because as a child I was a successful working actor." "Yeah." "Then it all fell apart." "It's not such a bad life." "You know, I occasionally get "whatever happened to" column written about me in the newspapers." "Every couple of Christmasses they re-run some of my old films." "I get a whole new batch of love letters from six year old girls." "Very big with six year old girls." "That's it?" "You don't get love letters from anyone else?" "Why?" " Why?" "You know, you're funny." "You know, you have a nice smile." "Someone might be missing out." "Where's Mr one in ten million now then?" "Forgotten all about him, ain't you?" " That's not true." " Yes it is." "You were sitting there and you were thinking "gosh, yes, this man is okay." "He's better than I thought"." "What, you think when a man and a woman meet each other that's the only thing that goes through their minds?" "Of course." "Yeah, when they're attracted to one another." "In fact, most people are attracted to just about everybody." "This... perfect partner bollocks is just a hoax, a physical, chemical impossibility." "Do you know why?" "My perfect partner is me." "You?" " Me with breasts." "Okay, that is it, I've heard enough now." "...we like the same food, we like the same music." "The sex would be great." "What is the point of all this?" "The point is, there is no "one in ten million"." "You don't think so?" " No, absolutely not." " Then we'll agree to differ." "Right, whatever you say." " Nice meeting you." " Yeah." "Excuse me, sir, you haven't paid your bill." "Didn't she... right." "Oh, no, I will be back in about half an hour." "Just leave me the coffee." " No!" "I'll be back for the change later." "just think, look on the bright side." "You see, you've still got twentyfour hours to be as irresponsible as you like." "Look, Frank, we had a cup of tea, all right." "I think we should just go our separate ways." " Yeah, look." "We could always swap, you see." "You stay here I go to Minneapolis or wherever." "Have you got hot running water?" "If you have, it's a damn sight more than I've got." "I appreciate the effort, really, but, you know..." "Look whatever the circumstances of your life, they could not be as depressing as mine!" "I wouldn't bet on it!" "Okay, try me." "I live in this damp, single storey kennel." "My windows need repairing the gas leaks" "I live on the sixteenth floor of a housing project okay." "Sleep to the sound of police helicopters and gunfire." "Okay, parents, I don't have any." "Well, not that talk to me." "Oh, okay." "My father died when I was three and my mother left me to become a Seventh Day Adventist." "Okay." "In the last few hours I have blown the biggest job opportunity I'll probably ever have in years." "Oh, this past year alone I applied for thirteen jobs." "None called back and my wage was cut to a dollar eighty an hour." "In the last month I have been arrested and spent three nights in jail after police found me unconscious in the streets!" "What?" "You know, I mean it's..." "No, you roll your eyes and everything, you pretend you disapprove but the fact is you like me more than you did an hour ago, don't you?" "I love this place, it's so full of hypocrites." "Look at that bloke pretending he's interested in the paintings." "Look at him, look!" "Oh, look, there's one." "What does that prat care about art?" "He's read in some magazine this is the best pick-up joint in London." "That's why he's doing it." "That is such a cynical attitude." "It's realistic." "People come to art galleries for the sex." "It's true." "Right, see that couple over there?" "They're here to look at the paintings." "There's nothing more boring than looking at paintings." "Only reason anyone ever comes to an art gallery is to get laid." "I say they're interested in art." "All right, we'll do an experiment." "No." "Come on." "I'll walk that way." "You walk that way." " Okay." "By the time we meet I guarantee you some single man with an interest in "art", right, will have come up to you and gone" ""Oh yes, I see you like this piece?" "Perhaps we can talk about it over a coffee?"." "Okay." " Back here, two minutes." "That way?" " That's right." " All right." "And that was it, she just disappeared." "You have two self-obsessed friends locked into a fruitless rivalry." "They don't give a care in the world about you or your wellbeing." "So what's the problem?" "We need to go back to the airport in London." "Do we have time?" "Half an hour." "When I found out Daniel had been in Minneapolis, I decided to meet his flight." "I felt we needed to talk about Frank." "And I knew if I didn't get him alone." "So I went to the airport." "You remember I mentioned the plane had a tailwind?" "Well, it arrived half an hour early." "Are you all right?" "I'm fine." "I'm okay." "Thank you." "Sir, where are the taxis?" " Far doors, follow the signs." "Thank you very much." "Jesus!" " I'm really sorry I did not see you standing there." " God, what the hell is happening to me?" "Oh, no, don't worry about it." "I don't know what it is happening to me." "Are you sure?" "I'm just tired and I've been travelling a long way." "Are you okay?" "I'm okay." " I'm sorry." " I'm okay." "Don't worry." "Don't worry, it's just not my lucky" "Day." "I'm okay." " Are you sure you're okay?" " Yeah." "Sorry." " Fine." "Next, please." " Excuse me." "Pardon me." "Sorry." "Hi I'd like you to page someone for me, please." "I don't know his name." "All's I know is I'm supposed to meet him." "Right." "Well I'll need his flight details, ma'am." "No, I'm sorry." "I'm saying I'm supposed to meet him, by that it's just you know..." "You watch a lot of sports on TV?" "Yes." " You know, like gladiator rough wrestling kind of thing?" "Right, I think I need to speak to your colleague." "This is kind of a woman's thing." "You know, I'm not sure a man that watches a lot of sports would understand what I'm saying." " Gillian, would you like to deal with this customer, please?" "How can I help?" " Hi." "Have you ever seen a man, you know, a complete stranger." "That's the one!" "It's him." " Madam..." "It just hits you right here and you know it." " Madam, this is an airport information desk." " I know." "We deal with lost property, flight arrival times." " I know." "You don't understand what this would mean to me." "Please." "Madam, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to..." " Give me that microphone." "I do this in the name of sports watching, romantically-minded men." "A much maligned, misunderstood minority." "Ladies and gentlemen, this is airport information." "Would a gentleman wearing a..." "A brown coat and white T-shirt and khaki pants pair of trousers report to the information desk now, please." "Okay, ready, come on, back it up." "No!" "What's going on?" "Oi, stop, that's my car!" "Sorry, I lost someone." "Gentleman over there." " No." "Can you try one more time?" "Just really quick, you know." "Well I could, but..." " I know, but he didn't hear." "Please, give me two seconds." "Haven't you got any compassion?" "I've only been two seconds!" "Would a gentleman wearing a white T-shirt or shirt khaki pants and definitely brown shoes or boots please report to the information desk now, please." " Never mind" "Right, away you go." "What the bloody hell do you think you're doing?" " Shit, are you all right?" "Hi." "Look, you're in absolutely no condition to drive and I need the ride to London, so why don't you get in?" "You want me to." " Yes, go around the back." "Pop in, go on." "I can't believe I'm doing this." "Okay, here's the deal." "I'm gonna drive you into" "London and I'm gonna take you for an expensive dinner at the Blacks Hotel." "Do you know it?" "Yeah, it's a very famous hotel." "Oh, good." "So we'll eat famous lamb with mint sauce." " Okay." "I'm Martha, by the way." " Laurence." "You can drive, yeah?" " Yeah." "Whoops, sorry." "There you go, easy." "Are you all right?" "No, you're not." "Look at you." "You're not okay at all, are you?" "Of course I wasn't allright, I've just been knocked unconcious." "And now, an American who's never driven a stick shift before is driving my car on the wrong side of the road." "I got you some ice." "No." "I'm fine." " Is that better?" " I'm fine, thank you." "Nice to meet you anyway." "It was quite an impression you made." "Oh, really?" " The blood." "You know, falling into my arms." "So, what do you do for a living?" " I teach bridge." "It's a card game." "So you're a gambler?" "No." "Actually, I mainly teach old ladies." "Old ladies?" "So I get it." "You're like a gigolo and a gambler." "No." "Not quite." "To be a teacher you must be pretty good though, huh?" "So, when was the last time you played?" "Not for a while, huh?" " No." "What's the matter?" "Aren't you good enough?" "Yeah, that's exactly the problem." "I'm not good enough." "I'm sorry." "No, don't worry about it." " That was really stupid." "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that." "Just, sometimes when I get nervous, you know, I just say the dumbest things." "When I get nervous I never say anything." "I just sit there and get uptight." "Great." "She had known me just ten minutes and already had me down as a failed card player stuck in a dead-end job for the rest of my life." "I could have told her about the dreams I had." "The plans I was making to pack up and leave." "The map on my wall covered in places I'd go as soon as I'd saved the money" "But that was something I told no one." "That was my own secret." "So this is London, huh?" " Yeah." "You lived here all your life?" " Yeah." "What's your favourite part?" "Well, it's a little corner of my local park." "Playing chess in the rain." "There's a tiny bandstand surrounded by trees." "See, now that is a local's tip." "In Minneapolis all the visitors head straight for the the Mall of America or the Viking's Stadium." "But the locals, there's this perfect little spot at the top of Linden Hills." "The Linden Hills?" " The Linden Hills." "If I ever go I'll remember." "Can I ask you a question?" "If, you met a complete stranger on an aeroplane, and he offered you an expensive hotel room would you take it?" "Probably not." "Me neither." "Good evening, madam." " Thank you." "Here's your bag." " Thanks" "It was nice meeting you." " And you." "And good luck." " You too." "Wait." " What?" "We made a deal remember?" "You drive me into" "London and I take you for an expensive dinner." "I mean, I still owe you, right?" " Right." "Oh, hi!" "I'd like to order some food." "Delivery." "I'd like to order a steak medium and a lamb with that spicy mint sauce on the side." "And some Dom Perignon." "The champagne." "Yes" "Thank you." "Bye" "I sometimes catch myself thinking the most awful things, you know?" "Yeah." "I know what you mean." "So, what about you?" "Do you, you know, ever think terrible things?" "Yeah." "Sometimes I think I should just pack up and clear out." "Just go." " Go where?" " Don't know." "First flight anywhere." "To hell with them all." "You said "to hell with them all"." "Who's them?" "My friend's for example who aren't really your friends at all, right?" "Forget your birthdays, take you for granted, talk about themselves." " Exactly" "Who else?" "The person who burgled my flat three times in the last year." " He burgled mine, too." "The people I work for." " What about them?" "They're so powdered." "And middle-aged - and perfumed - and lecherous." "And so spectacularly flipping untalented!" "All I want to do is take a mirror and hold it up to their grotesque sagging surgically adjusted faces and say" ""Forget it!" "Get back to your wife."" " Exactly..." "Jesus." " Oh my god." "What is that?" "London Bridge?" " Albert bridge." "Hold on." "At your service." " Very good thinking." " Yeah." "Thank you." " Cheers." "You know, all of my life I was told if I worked hard." "stayed out of trouble my life'd be a fairy tale." "In 1988 my high school gave me this plaque." "You know," ""most likely to be successful"." "You know where it hangs?" "It's hanging by my desk in a rental car company." "Where you work for sixty hours a week." "Yeah for a neanderthal boss who sticks his ass on the copying machine." "So, what, it all became clear in here?" "Exactly." "Except it was here." "It was like my eyes just completely opened up, kind of like like St Paul on the road to De..." "wherever." " Damascus." " Yes, exactly." "Then one night I realised if I wanted to I could just take off." "Who'd miss me?" " No-one." "So the next morning I picked up my cheque which was a couple of hundred dollars packed my bags, and the first flight I could afford was London." "So, voila, here I am!" "First flight anywhere?" "Just take someone with you." "Trust me, it's less scary that way." "But finding the right person, you'd need someone with all the right similarities yet all the right differences." "Someone to read your mind instinctively." "Thanks." "Yet cover your weaknesses." "Can I ask you a question?" "Do you believe that things happen for a reson?" "I don't understand." "Well, I'm starting to believe that nothing happens without a reason." "You know, these random things that happen aren't random at all." "I think things happen because well, they're meant to happen." "Like I think I was meant to come to London, you know?" "Just, something pulling me here." "Because some way or somehow there were better things in store for me." "Like what?" "Like..." "Room service." "What was that?" "The food." " The food?" " We ordered food, remember?" "Mint sauce." "I'll go to the, the bathroom and you can get the door." "Oh my god!" "Room service." "Yes!" "For the lady." " Thank you." "With the compliments of Mr Alfrey." " Thank you." "Wait." "What was that name again?" "Alfrey, sir." "Daniel Alfrey." "There's a card in the flowers." "Oh, and dinner will be right with you." "If they think there's gonna be anything left of this place when get through they got another thing coming." "Laurence?" "No!" "Laurence!" "It was typical" "It was the most perfect night of your life." " And I froze." "Put Daniel first when I should have thrown away his flowers and taken her in my arms." "Yeah, but don't you see, that's what makes you so special You... you were loyal to a friend." "You put principles first." "You took the moral high ground." "Then how do you explain this?" " What?" "Right now she's asleep in my bed." "In your bed?" "Well, unless I'm very much mistaken, I think I missed something." "You remember the following day Daniel invited us to lunch?" " Yeah." "Well it all happened then." " Laurence, help me out here, you understand these things." "Describe to Frank the perfect woman." "You are sad." " Please." "The perfect woman." "Well, she'd have a light in her eyes." "An infectious, wonderful smile." "Yes." " Talking to her you found you told her things you've never told anyone." "I did, I did that." "Began to see things in a way you've never seen them before." " Yes." "Leaving her, you knew somehow things had irreversibly changed." " Yes." "would never be the same again." " Exactly!" "Thank you!" "So he didn't screw her?" " Of course I didn't sleep with her!" "Oh, shut up both of you!" "You really want to hit each other, hit each other." "Just get it over and done with!" "Anything but talking about it all the time." "It gives me a headache." "He was angry." "I was." " Furious." "You saw Daniel was involved and loyalty to friends always comes first, remember?" "What happened next?" "...and adding them to the number of your two longest suits." "Sorry." "Hello?" "Yeah, it's me I've got her." "Who?" " What do you mean, who?" "Her!" "Daniel's American!" "What do you mean, got her?" " Eating out of my hand." "You know pupils dilating, kind of "got her"." "Listen, where are you now?" " In the cafe in the park." "I can't wait to tell Daniel." "I am really gonna enjoy this." "Frank, listen to me." " Look, I haven't got time for a moral discussion, Florence." "I just wanted to tell someone the good news." "Ladies, I can't explain, there's something I have to do." "Something very important." "And if I don't do it now" "I may never forgive myself." "Looking for a man in a dark coat." "Oh, there's another one, look." "What does he care about art?" "...this is the best pick-up joint in London." "That's why he's doing it." "All right." "We'll do an experiment." "Come on." "I'll go that way." "You go that way." "Oh my God." " Oh my god!" "What are you doing here?" "I was just..." "Do you have any idea how weird this is?" "Us meeting like this?" "Aren't you pleased to see me?" "No." "Yes." "Yes I am." " Yes you are." "No you're not." "What's wrong?" " Nothing." "I was just leaving." " Me too." "Would you help me with my bags?" "You know, I could take this silence personally but after what you told me yesterday, I'll assume that you're just nervous and I'll take that as a compliment." "And whatever it is you're so angry about just stop it.I realise I owe you an apology." "I should have never accepted that hotel, it was irresponsible the business with the flowers and everything." "What happened to your hand?" "I made an omelette this morning." "You know that they say that clumsiness is linked to your emotions." "Oh, is that right?" "You'll allow me to take that as a second compliment." "In the absence of any conversation that is." "This is great." "At my apartment I'd have to walk up sixteen storeys." "The elevator works okay but it's strictly for drug deals and contract fellatio." "Oh, it's all right." "I'll get the door." "If you want to make yourself comfy" "I'll make us some tea." " Yum." "I'll be right back." " Okay." "Hello?" " It's me." " Daniel." "this isn't a good time." "You're right." "It's a terrible time." "I'm thirty-three years old and I feel like a jilted teenager." "I've bunkered up on a diet of chocolate and afternoon television and books." "Books that I don't even understand." "Daniel this really isn't" "Laurence, I hurt in places I didn't know existed." "Daniel, I said this isn't a good time!" "Laurence?" "These for your card playing?" " Yeah." "Thought you said you had no talent?" " I don't" "Then why does it have your name on it?" " Oh, my partner did all the work." "Your partner?" "He really could read people." "Oh, come on, you can do that." " I'm sorry?" "Well, if someone's telling the truth, or if they're lying you know, you can learn how to read the signs." "Like right now you're still upset about something." "Oh, really?" "Are these yours?" "They're good." "I just paid you a compliment." "You could smile a little." "Thank you." "Whatever it is that's so important just say it, okay." "I mean, you've been like this ever since we ran into one another." "No I haven't." " Then why are you looking at me like that?" "Because I..." "You..." "Because what?" "Because..." "Will you excuse me?" " Sure." "Yes?" " I give up, you know." "I no longer understand women." "Frank, this isn't a good time." "Yeah." "It's a bloody terrible time." "Well, we were at the gallery, you know, she was eating out of my hand." "All of a sudden she just like that, she just disappears on the way back to Daniel." "To Daniel?" " Yeah." "she had her heart set on him all along, didn't she?" "And I mean, I gave her my best shot, but credit to him, he's got her well and truly." "Daniel." " Well, she told me herself you know." "She met him at the airport, didn't she?" "The moment she saw him she knew." "Something about his little brown jacket and khaki trousers" "I didn't know he wore khaki trousers." "Florence?" "Laurence?" "Oh don't get..." "Everything okay?" "Everything's fine." "You just relax." "Mummy, mummy!" "Mummy, Martha!" "Laurence!" "Good morning." " Morning" "Tea time" "Are you gonna ask questions or do I just talk?" "I want to talk about love, friendship and deceit." "I want to talk about the fact that up until three days ago there were three friends..." "Do you know anyone in London?" "I'm Martha, by the way." " I know." "Would you take it?" " Probably not." "When I found out Daniel had been in Minneapolis I decided to meet his flight." "It was a disaster that night, I didn't sleep at all." "Surprise, surprise." " No, I think it was hot." "Hot?" "You was angry." "I was." "Which brings us up to date." "You have a decision to make." "Yes." " Lifelong friends on one side a woman on the other." "Perhaps the closest friends you'll ever have." "Buddies through thick and thin." "What's the problem?" "Bearing in mind there's no such thing as a difficult decision." "Sorry?" " Well, every day we make hundreds of thousands of decisions." "In a year they run into tens of millions." "People get themselves into knots." "The truth is decisions are easy." "You know why?" "Because every time we already know the answers." "You think?" " Absolutely." "Trade secret." "I always tell my boys." "You see, you didn't come to see me to make a decision." "You came to me because you didn't like the decision you'd already made." "Sorry, Laurence, time's up." "Thank you very much." " I feel so good" " So do I." "Well, I'm, I'm always here." " Brilliant." "I'm sorry for waking you." "You know, it's funny: there's a psychiatrist living next door to me and you chose to talk to me." "And I'm flattered." "It's been a pleasure meeting you, Laurence." "you're not..." "What line of work are you in?" "Just out of interest." "Construction." " Construction?" "You take care." " Thank you." "Martha?" "Breakfast." "Flower market cafe in square." "Excuse me." " Oh my God." "Funny!" "Florence!" " Oh, what the hell is going on?" "Would you please..." "We've been set up!" " Go away, both of you." "What are you doing here?" "...both piss of." "Frank, what are you on?" "I'd really like some." "It's obviously completely hilarious." "Please go now." "This is pretty funny?" "Hilarious." "Listen, before I take off, I just need to know, does this happen all the time?" "No." " No, these male clubs where where guys pick up a girl and they set her up and they make her fall in love, and then they rip the rug out from underneath their feet." "Does this happen all the time?" "Or have I just been really unlucky?" "Oh, no, I can explain." "Frank, shut up!" "What could you possibly explain to me?" "See, I'm a little bit older than six, and the only people interested in you are six year old girls." "Sorry." "Martha, listen to me." " Daniel." "Please, you're a sweet little man." "But a hundred bucks says that you took down those books and you put 'em right back up without reading a single one of 'em." "Am I right?" " My books?" " Yeah." "Actually I did do that, yes." "See, maybe it's me, I mean," "I thought that this would be different, you know?" "But if you think that this is gonna get me down, you're wrong." "Because I'm tough." "You know?" "I've made a decision." "I've changed my life, something none of you have the courage to do, none of you." "Just gonna stand there?" "Do you have anything to say to me?" "Yeah, well, I think I can explain, if you just give me the time." "No, ignore him." " Please." "I don't know who he is." "Don't freeze on me." "Don't freeze on now, please." "Please don't." "Frank, shut up!" " Don't tell me to shut up!" "You are so arrogant!" " What the hell are you so uptight about?" "Wait!" "Martha!" "Laurence, I'm sorry, mate." "I wasn't with it." "Don't push me!" "You see?" " Don't push me?" "Like it?" "See, it hurts yeah." "Stop!" "My eye!" " Sorry." "Hey, like that, do you?" "Sir?" " The first flight anywhere for ninety-nine pounds." "I beg your pardon?" " You heard what I said." "You have a date in mind for your return?" "No return." "I beg your pardon?" " I'm not coming back." "One way." "Thank you." "Because there comes a point when you find the one person the one thing that ever mattered." "Damn it!" "Instead of holding it tight and recognising it for the priceless, most beautiful, precious gift it is." "Instead of having the courage you do what you've done all your life." "All your life!" "You freeze." "Freeze!" "So the truth is whatever name you pull out of that hat things'll be a whole lot better there than they are here." "Reykjavik." " I'm sorry?" "Capital of Iceland, sir." "Some attractive features, I'm told." "Four hundred miles of iceberg, long haired sheep, and twenty hours of darkness a day." "Your flight leaves at twenty-two hundred hours." "Reykjavik?" " First flight, anywhere." "Ninety-nine pounds." "Thank you." "Have you made a decision yet madam?" "Deny to me," "Deny that it felt good." "It felt good." " It felt bloody magnificent." "I feel like I've become a member of some historic male club, you know?" "This is how women feel when they give birth." "Yeah, except for the hands probably." "Yeah, why don't they tell you it hurts your hands like that?" "I never knew that." "Come on." "I still can't work out what he was doing there." "Who?" "Laurence?" " Yeah." "Standing there with those flowers." "What were they?" "Peonies?" "He probably got them for his flat." "Yeah, he's probably got them to stick in his bridge trophies." "Can you imagine if he was there to meet her?" "Excuse me, excuse me a, a moment, sir." "You are the one hundred thousandth passenger to fly on this airline this year." "Right." " And to mark the occasion the airline would like to fly you first class." "First class?" "Here we go, sir, first class." "Here's your seat, down here." "Are you sure this is..." " Yes." "Iceland, huh?" "London and Amsterdam that's like not even..." "Forty minutes, I know." "He didn't recommend it." "Well, we have all the time in the world." "#THE END#"