"♪ Thank you for being a friend" "♪ Traveled down the road and back again" "♪ Your heart is true" "♪ You're a pal and a confidante" "♪ And if you threw a party" "♪ Invited everyone you knew" "♪ You would see the biggest gift would be from me" "♪ And the card attached would say" "♪ "Thank you for being a friend"" "Girls, I am so excited." "I just got a big bonus at work." "Ah!" "And guess what I've decided to do with it." "(both) What?" "I'm gonna have my breasts enlarged." "You're not serious, Blanche?" "Oh, sure I am." "Breasts are back in fashion." "And what God didn't give me, Dr. Myron Rosensweig will." "Oh, that man is the Picasso of plastic surgeons." "Just be sure he doesn't attach one of them to your forehead." "Yes." "Hello." "What's shaking?" "Blanche's breasts." "That's why she's gonna have 'em..." "Shut up, Rose." "Ma, I haven't seen you all morning." "Where have you been?" "I went to see my friend Lillian." "Lillian, at Shady Pines?" "Oh, you remember Shady Pines?" "That retirement home you stuck me in that resembled Sing Sing." "My mistake, Sing Sing has a movie night." "Sophia, how is Lillian?" "I don't know." "She wasn't there." "There was someone else in her bed." "It was weird." "Lillian?" "Oh, did you say Lillian?" "My God, you got a call about her this morning." "I was so caught up in my breasts, I totally forgot." "It happens to all of us, Blanche." "That's why my rent check was late." "It's from your friend Gladys at Shady Pines." "She says Lillian was sent to Sunny Pastures." "You see, Ma, your friend is fine." "Fine?" "Are you kidding?" "Sunny Pastures is the worst nursing home in the city." "It's every old person's nightmare." "That, and a childproof cap on the Kaopectate bottle." "Ma, if it's licensed by the state, your friend will be just fine there." "You don't understand." "It's where people wind up when they can't afford a place like Shady Pines." "It's the bottom of the barrel." "I have to see if Lillian is OK." "What?" "Ma, wait." "If it'll make you feel better, I'll take you." "Oh, good." "Now while we're there, will you promise you'll hold my hand the entire time?" "Oh, Ma, are you really that scared?" "No." "I just wanna make sure you're not grabbing at brochures behind my back." "Oh, Rose, hi." "Listen, I just picked up these pamphlets at a cosmetic surgeon, and I want you to help me decide which alterations I'll get." "Blanche, none of these women have any tops on." "Well, I know, honey." "These are the "after" pictures of satisfied customers." "I was thinking about having my breasts done like hers." "All right, Blanche, but do you think black really suits you?" "I was talking about the shape." "See, these are regal and dignified and upscale." "And 50 percent off." "Dr. Rosensweig over-ordered on the Vixen 3 model." "Blanche, are you sure you're not being a bit silly?" "Why?" "Let me tell you something." "When I was a schoolgirl, I developed early, and all the boys noticed and hit on me." "Not one boy was ever interested in my mind." "Get outta here." "It's true." "But you, Blanche, I mean, men are drawn to you because of your charm and your wit and your zest for life." "I mean, you can have the operation or not." "Men won't care one bit about your breasts." "Really, Rose?" "Not with me around." "(Blanche) Oh, hi, girls." "Did you all find Lillian?" "You bet we did." "And that Sunny Pastures was everything that Ma said it would be." "And how." "There was crud on the floor, rats in the hallway, and 60 people to every blanket." "It wasn't fit for human life." "Although, in my village in Sicily, it would have been a two-star motel." "Ma, you're exaggerating." "But not by much." "It was pretty bad." "Boy, when you hear horrible stories like that, it brings up so many questions." "It sure does." "Why do we let things like this happen?" "Why can't we care for our elderly the way they do in Japan?" "Why are there 17 sets of hooters on the coffee table?" "Those are mine, Sophia." "Oh, well, let me put on my big surprised face." "Oh, I just wish there was something we could do for the poor thing." "There is." "I wanna sort of adopt Lillian, visit her often." "I'm gonna need rides." "Oh, you can count on us, sweetheart." "You sure can." "Absolutely." "Now, come on, it's getting late." "Let's get dinner, hmm?" "Notice how they seem to follow you wherever you go?" "This is it, Sophia?" "Well, this doesn't seem so bad." "Believe me, you have to get into it more before you realize how bad it really is." "Just like War and Remembrance." "Excuse me, ladies, but visiting hours are over." "Oh, then I guess we'll just come back..." "No, we don't." "We're not here to visit." "We're not?" "No, we're here to see about checking in Mom." "You two are sisters?" "Uh..." "It's a long, involved, and somewhat sordid story." "If you want to get a clearer picture," "I suggest you rent the cassette of Chinatown." "Sophia, what's going on?" "It's a little surprise." "We're not visiting Lillian as much as we're breaking her out." "What?" "We can't do that." "I mean, that's wrong." "What if we get caught?" "Lillian is a great friend." "Will you do it, please?" "Well, OK." "Good." "I'll keep the staff busy, you get Lillian." "She's down the hall, last door on the right." "Go." "Hello." "I'm John Porter." "I'm in charge of admissions." "Oh, yeah." "Hi." "I wanted to talk to you about my mother." "About checking her in?" "No, about her collection of commemorative plates." "Of course about checking her in." "She's 125." "You can't pry the yogurt out of her hands." "Uh, I'll get the papers from my office." "OK, Sophia." "Let's go." "Go where?" "That's not Lillian." "You said you were Lillian." "You think I'm in here because I'm good with names?" "Rose, try again." "She's in bed 68." "Now hurry." "Come on, honey." "OK, let's fill this out." "Uh, please." "Um..." "And you are?" "Sophia." "Sophia Pe..." "Hawkins." "OK, Mrs. Pehawkins, um..." "Maybe you can tell me about your mother's history?" "Picture it." "Sicily, 1900." "An olive-skinned woman sets sail for the new world." "I was talking about her medical history." "So was I. You think that was a pleasure cruise?" "There was smallpox, scurvy, typhoid." "And that was business class." "What I need to know is, does your mother require any special medical care?" "She does." "Uh..." "An old war injury." "Remember the Maine?" "She didn't." "She was a frogman and swam right into the bulkhead." "They put a metal plate in her head, and now she gets HBO through her eyeballs." "Don't look at me like that." "If Tyson has another fight, you may wanna set her up in the rec hall." "This is all hard to believe." "If it's not true, my name isn't Sophia Pehawkins." "(phone rings)" "Excuse me." "Rose, what the hell is going on?" "I ask for Lillian, you bring me Eubie Blake's parents." "What's wrong?" "They were the only other people back there." "There is no way Lillian is in this ward." "Hi, Sophia." "What are you doing here?" "Oh, Lillian." "Thank God I found you." "I'm taking you away from here." "You are?" "How are we gonna get out?" "What about them?" "Leave it to a pro." "Runaway wheelchair!" "Runaway wheelchair!" "Wait a minute!" "Come back here." "Oh, hi, Blanche." "How was your appointment with Dr. Rosensweig?" "Well, I was so nervous that I just rushed right in there and pulled off my top, and said, "Well, what do you think?"" "What did he say?" "He said, "I think you're probably looking for Dr. Rosensweig."" ""But if you ever want a discount on life insurance, call me."" "Oh, boy, do I need a cup of coffee." "What's the matter?" "Oh, this whole Lillian thing." "The woman was up all night." "Ma is exhausted." "Oh, this is all my fault." "Ah, well." "Don't worry about it." "At least I called the home and checked her out for a week's visit." "So we're not kidnappers anymore." "Ma, sit down." "Ma, we need to talk about Lillian." "I said I'll take care of her." "Ma!" "I already take care of you three, so I'll do a little more cleaning, a little more cooking, and make up one more bed in the morning." "Sophia, you don't make my bed." "I know." "It's impossible to put a fitted sheet around a big, hairy guy named Ed." "Hello, everyone." "Isn't it a lovely morning?" "It sure is, sweetheart." "How about some pancakes?" "Again?" "We had pancakes yesterday." "Lillian, you weren't here yesterday." "Here you are, honey." "A nice cup of tea." "Lillian, Sophia tells me that you were in the Ziegfeld Follies." "Oh, yes." "Those were the days." "You must have been something." "I was quite a looker." "Almost as pretty as you." "Why, thank you." "Of course, I had bigger breasts." "Sophia, do you think I could take a bath before breakfast?" "It's been a while." "Let me help." "She's my friend." "I wanna help her." "Oh, it's just wonderful to think about, isn't it, the two of 'em together?" "And they're so cute." "Thinking about your breasts again, aren't you, Blanche?" "(glass breaks)" "I don't know this place." "Lillian, it's OK." "And I don't know you." "Lillian, I'm Dorothy." "And this is Sophia." "We're your friends." "We brought you here from the home last night." "Oh, OK, right." "I'm sorry." "Now, why don't you go and take that nice, hot bath?" "Come on, sweetheart." "Ma, maybe you need a break." "Why don't you sit this out?" "What?" "Like I can't handle it?" "Like it's too much for poor old Sophia." "Like I'm so ancient, I don't have the energy." "Get the lights on your way out." "Well, I guess it's my shift." "It's OK, Dorothy." "I think she's finally asleep." "Oh, thank God." "I am exhausted." "I haven't been this tired since my wedding night." "Well, a night of unbridled passion should take it out of you." "Who said anything about passion?" "I was tired from picking up beer cans from Stan's poker buddies." "I just cannot believe" "Lillian's only been here 24 hours." "I cannot believe that Ma thought she could handle her alone." "It's almost too much for the four of us." "This just makes me so mad." "I mean, people like this really need help." "Then there are places like Sunny Pastures." "Well, there weren't any Sunny Pastures in the South." "At least, not when I was growing up." "I remember this one old man." "His name was Ben." "All he did all day long was sit out there on his family's front porch in that old hickory rocking chair and whittle." "Just whittle." "I used to pass by there on my way home from school, and I'd say, "Hi, Ben."" "And he'd yell back, "Hi, Blanche." "Stay away from my grandsons."" "Anyway, I realized that Ben could spend all his days happy, whittling away, because his family was there for him." "I will never forget that look on his face." "He was happier than a Kentucky yearling frolicking in blue grass as high as a hoot owl's perch on the top of a spring..." "In English, Jethro!" "In English!" "He was happy." "Anyway, Ben got older, and I guess a little bit frail, and..." "This is the hard part of my story." "One autumn day, I walked by that porch and old Ben was gone." "I bet he died in the bed he was born in." "No, he was sent up the river on a morals charge." "Are you OK, Sophia?" "You're awfully quiet." "What?" "Oh, it's just that talking about Lillian makes me think about the future." "Oh, Ma." "Honey, you have nothing to worry about." "Who said I was talking about my future?" "You three aren't exactly spring chickens, you know." "She's right." "One way or another, we're all in the same boat." "I know, but right now, our big problem is Lillian." "We obviously can't take care of her, and Sunny Pastures is not doing its job." "What are we gonna do?" "I know what I'm gonna do - make Sunny Pastures do its job." "I'm gonna see the man who runs that place and give him a good what for." "I can be pretty mean and pretty tough when I want to be." "There's only one thing I'll need." "What, Dorothy?" "My mother to come with me." "No, no, no, no." "I have the purchase order right here in front of me." "This was your mistake, and we're not paying for it." "Problems, problems, problems." "The world is bringing me problems." "And you are?" "We are the world." "I'm Dorothy Zbornak." "This is my mother Sophia." "We're here to talk to you..." "(phone rings)" "Hello." "No." "No, I did not order 40 fry-pans." "It was 40 bedpans." "I'm sorry." "You were telling me?" "What we wanted to talk to you..." "(phone rings)" "Sorry." "Hello." "Oh, good." "Tell 'em to drop it off at the south end loading dock." "Right." "I'm so sorry." "It's always like this." "You were saying?" "Mrs. Zbornak?" "Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." "I just figured if I opened my mouth that the phone would start ringing." "Anyway, what I..." "(phone rings)" "That's OK." "I'll just let it ring." "(ringing continues)" "We're here because we have a very dear friend who is a patient here, and we have some concerns." "She's a lovely old woman, very sweet and very kind, and we would really hope that in some way, you know, you could..." "Dammit!" "Will you answer the phone?" "Uh-huh." "Bill the insurance company first." "The state takes care of the rest." "So, you have some concerns about Sunny Pastures?" "Actually, they're more like complaints." "Oh, complaints?" "Oh, well..." "What you need to do is fill out these forms and mail them back to me." "Yes, and then what happens?" "Then it goes right here into my inbox." "This is outrageous." "Lillian's problems cannot wait that long." "She is old, she is sick, and she needs better care right now." "I agree." "What?" "Look, ladies," "Sunny Pastures doesn't operate at a profit." "Our patients' social security and Medicare pay most of our bills." "The government subsidies pick up the slack so we can meet minimum standards." "Then maybe minimum standards aren't enough." "Right again." "And this year, the government's made cutbacks." "We're operating in the red and doing the best we can." "Are you telling me that nothing can be done?" "Look, I'd love to help your friend." "I'd love to help all our patients." "And if you have any ideas on how to make it better, I'm all ears." "(phone rings)" "(sighs)" "(ringing continues)" "Hello." "Well, girls, how did it go?" "Terrible." "I can't believe you live 80, 90 years and wind up in a place like Sunny Pastures." "I guess money makes the world go round." "Hey, you live 80, 90 years, just getting up too fast makes the world go round." "Hi, everyone." "Where's Lillian?" "I have some really good news." "She's napping." "What news?" "Well, I spent the day going around town, and I think I found the perfect place for her." "Really?" "Well, it's not as nice as Shady Pines, but the staff really seems to care, and the patients are happy." "Rose, that is fantastic." "And it won't cost any more than Sunny Pastures?" "Well, that's the one little problem." "Lillian's benefits won't quite cover the costs." "She'll need another $150 a month." "Little problem?" "Rose, how could you get our hopes up like that?" "I mean, who has an extra $150 a month?" "I do." "What?" "I do!" "We'll use that bonus check I got at work." "But, Blanche..." "Don't try and talk me out of it, now." "My mind is made up." "Blanche, are you sure?" "Sure, I'm sure." "Lillian ought to be covered for two years with that money in my bosom account." "Blanche, I'm proud of you." "But why the sudden change of heart?" "Oh, well." "I guess this cosmetic surgery business is pretty trivial, really." "I'll do fine with what God gave me." "Having Lillian here made me realize that my problems are pretty trite." "I suppose something like this does make your breasts seem rather small." "Well, sort of." "Well, then." "That's that." "Lillian's problems are solved." "Isn't this terrific?" "Terrific?" "Ma, this is wonderful." "I mean, this is a real happy ending." "So, how come I don't feel all that happy?" "I don't know." "Is it because we know that Lillian's just plain lucky?" "That a lot of old people do slip through the cracks and are forgotten?" "And maybe it may not be too long until we're elderly ourselves?" "I know, girls." "Let's make a pact that we'll always take care of each other." "That we'll never desert each other, no matter what." "You can count on me, honey." "Do you think it's gonna be that easy getting rid of me, Rose?" "That was rhetorical, Rose." "Ah, but what a comforting thought, knowing you'll never be alone." "And listen, what the hell?" "If we do have to go to a nursing home, let's all go together." "(all laugh)" "But what happens when there's only one of us left?" "Don't worry." "I can take care of myself."