"Season 3" " Episode 11 Burn Victim" "Earl, you just crossed off June and July of next year." "Are those months not happening anymore?" "I don't mind, it's just I need to move some stuff around." "I'm just figuring out how much time the warden is taking off my sentence." "For a few months now, every time I solved a problem for the warden, he gave me a certificate worth a week or two off my time in prison." "I helped the leaders of violent gangs learn to get along... really well." "I captured an escaped prisoner... with a little help from Randy and a high-ranking canine officer." "I even cleaned all the hair out from the prison showers." "Pretty soon I'd gotten all but six months taken off my sentence, and lucky for me, the warden was one of those people who never seemed to run out of problems." "Thank God, you're here." "I'm totally screwed." "You could just open the safe again." "What?" "No, not this." "I do this all the time." "No, I was at this press conference, and this really tricky reporter tricked me with his tricky trickiness." "... continues my commitment to statewide education reform." "Yes, Andy?" "Governor, I actually have a question for your husband." "Thank you." "Wait, Warden Hazelwood." "Many of your programs have failed." "What do you plan to do to turn around this dismal record?" "Well, I have what I call the "Super Duper Super Program."" "I don't want to go into all the details now, but I gotta tell you, it's pretty great." "At Quinland penitentiary, the warden has instituted a reconciliation program, where criminals and their victims meet face-to-face." "To fight..." "Two man enter, one man leaves." "Yes, we're doing it." "Not to fight, Jerry, to reconcile." "Yes, we have that, too." "They have a choice, naturally." "We try to steer them towards making up." "So, any more questions?" "I have no idea how to do this." "Earl, you got six months and ten days left in here." "Now, you make this program work, and I will give you a certificate for six months off your sentence." "Six months?" "I'll do it!" "Then I'll only need a certificate worth ten days, which maybe I can get by... making you my world-famous cheese omelet." "It does sound good." "We'll talk." "I liked the idea of helping a prisoner make up for something bad he did, since that's what I do with my list." "All I had to do now was find the right guy." "Sure are a lot of people in here for aggravated assault." "Isn't everybody who commits assault kind of aggravated?" "Not necessarily." "Remember when I hugged that baby duck to death?" "That was fun until it was sad." "When you get free, we're gonna go back to that lake and just do the fun part." "This guy could work." "John Clevenger." "I'd heard about John." "He was the sensitive, artistic type, and a first-time offender." "He was in prison for burning down his parents' house when his meth lab caught fire." " Are you John the artist?" " Cool," "I'm glad that name caught on." "I started that a couple weeks ago." "Oh, good for you." "I've been pushing for Duke of Earl, but it won't stick." "Even with the song?" "There's a song?" "Hey, that's mine!" "You're not supposed to have pudding in your cell." "You got anything else you're not supposed to have?" "Maybe something salty?" "Listen, I'm here to talk about what happened with your parents." "That fire was an accident." "Clearly." "No one makes meth with anything but the best intentions." "How would you feel about a program where you could sit down with your parents and talk?" "Really hash things out." "And, hopefully, it would lead to an apology and a big hug." "I can't imagine they want to do that, but if they're up for it, I'm in." "Great." "Since I couldn't go myself," "I asked Joy to meet with John's parents and convince them to come see their son." "Look, I understand you're feeling weird about meeting with your son." "I mean, everybody hates meth heads." "That's like a 100 percenter." "On the other hand, he is your son." "I just don't think meeting with John is such a good idea." "He was a very sweet boy... but he changed." "Hell, everybody changes." "Changed how?" "Well John was little, he didn't burn down the house and destroy everything we own." "So, that was different." "Mr. and Mrs. Clevenger, I think I know what you're going through." "Last year," "Mr. Turtle knocked over a candle in our trailer and started a fire." "To this day," "I don't know if it was an accident or the result of pent-up turtle hostilities of some kind." "Our relationship was very strained the next few months." "We couldn't even be in the same room." "Usually, I'd leave because it was quicker." "I thought this... was over." "I think we both did." "But, eventually, we sat down and faced our problems head-on." "That's right." "I'm not going to lie to you." "It wasn't easy." "But we got through it." "And now, our relationship is stronger than ever." "And he seems more careful, too." "I'm sorry." "I have something in my eye." "Thank you." "We'll do it." "We'll go meet with John." "Nice work, Darnell." "Thanks." "I hope that wasn't too awkward for you." "It was a big day." "John was going to make up with his parents, and I was going to get my certificate for six months off my sentence." "Earl, if I wanted uncomfortable silence," "I would have made a lunch date with my wife." "A little awkwardness is completely normal." "So far, this is a classic reconciliation." "Just say whatever's in your heart." "Me?" "If they're here to apologize, shouldn't they go first?" "What?" "What are you doing?" "You said we're here for an apology." "Yeah, from you." "You're the one who's supposed to be sorry." "But it was their fault." "Our fault?" "You burned down our house." "You left your mother smoldering and hairless." "That fire was the only time there was any warmth in that house, you cold-hearted bastards." "You should thank me." "Earl, on three, we both fake heart attacks." "John, these are your parents." "They wouldn't have come here if they didn't love you." "You are a monster!" "And whose fault do you think that is, huh?" "I'm a monster because you ignored me my whole life." "The most time we ever spent together was the six weeks of my trial, and you wouldn't even look at me!" "My eyes were bandaged!" "Like you couldn't pull up a little corner and give me a peek?" "Cow!" "How could you?" "!" "Don't talk to me while i'm waiting for the door!" "Earl, this is a disaster." "You got a week to fix this." "This couldn't have gone better." "They're really doing the work, as my marriage counselor likes to say." "You and the governor are in marriage counseling?" "Don't tell anybody." "She's pretty sensitive about it, partly because of her sex addiction." "The governor has a sex addiction?" "How do you know all this stuff?" "The only way I was gonna get the last 6 months taken off my sentence was if I could get John to make up with his parents, but John was having trouble getting with the program." "Hey, buddy." " Crazy stuff in there, huh?" " I know." "Can you believe my parents expected me to apologize to them?" "See, here's the thing, everybody expected you to apologize to them." "Hey, it's not my fault." "It's my parents for being such monsters my whole life." "They wouldn't let me have a color tv in my room." "They never got me cargo pants." "They wouldn't even let me go to my prom, because they said I was too stoned to drive." "As if that's possible." "John, this is my freedom we are talking about." "I don't need you to be sorry, I just need you to say you're sorry." "It's two totally different things." "If you want me to do something big like that," "I want something big in return." "How about an aircraft carrier?" "They're big." "I want a prom." "I want to go to a prom, I always think about missing mine, and I know I would have had a date, because we lost the entire football team in a bus accident that year." "We can do a prom in prison, where are you going to get the girls?" "We only have five trannies to dance with, and they're all spoken for." "Fine!" "Then I want to drive an aircraft carrier." "Done!" "I don't even know who to call to get an aircraft carrier." " Isn't your wife the governor?" " The state doesn't have a navy, Earl." "If we can't get him an aircraft carrier, we've got to throw him a prom." "Prom?" "A prison prom?" "I know, it's crazy, isn't it?" "Yeah, it's crazy." "But I just looked like a jackass in front of the press." "And it's time to show them that Jerry Hazelwood is no fool." "So, let's get some women behind these bars and have ourselves a prom." "Normally getting 50 women into a men's prison would have been tricky." "But luckily, the warden had stolen some of his wife's governor stationery." "Attention." "By order of the governor, this coming saturday, you will all be traveling to the men's prison to attend a prom." "I needed help if I was going to throw a successful prom." "So I got someone who started going to them when she was 12." "I think my favorite prom was my fourth one." "Six of us piled up in the back of that limo." "That was one hell of a basketball team." "They went to state that year." "The first thing I think we need is a theme, right?" "Oh, yeah, a theme unifies all your elements." "How about that one?" "Underwater wonderland, that's awesome." "Plus, my hair looks really good when it's wet." "It looks kind of expensive." "Is that a whale with a chocolate fountain blowhole?" " You got money." " He's got money?" "Yeah, he won the lottery." "Didn't he tell you?" "He's got $24,612.17 left, minus $400." "The kids' school was selling candy and you went a little crazy." "We could throw a pretty awesome prom for $24,000." " Wait, wait, wait a second." " Oh, snap." "A nine-foot-tall purple seaweed arch trimmed in platinum coral." "It's the gateway to a magical universe." "Things were adding up fast." "But then I thought about how much I'd enjoy being out of prison." "It was the little things about life on the outside I missed the most." "Like sleeping in my warm bed next to my warm brother." "Having the freedom to wear something different every day." "Feeling the wind in my hair... grass... and just enjoying time with my friends." "So there it was." "Giving john what he wanted was going to cost me every dime I had." "But I wasn't just buying a prison prom, I was buying six months of my life back." "Okay, fine." "Let's do it." "I haven't written a check in a while." "What do I put in this memo section?" "You're supposed to put something to remind you what it was for." "But I usually just write "Suck it, gas company."" "I'd never forget what this check was for, but I wanted to write it down anyway." "I can't believe this." "I made a prom in prison happen." "I bet this is what it feels like to be Oprah." "Finally, the big night had come." "Even though no one actually got to choose their date, everyone seemed happy to have some new company." "Including me." "Depending on who you asked, my date, Tanani, was either in prison for protesting the oppressive treatment of native americans,  or for stabbing her boss at the company picnic." "It may have taken all my money, but it really was turning out to be a magical night." "And splurging on the food really paid off." "This food is awesome, Earl, thanks." "People seem to be enjoying it." "How come there's no white chocolate fountain?" "Good man." "Everybody was having a blast, especially me." "Because it wasn't just a prom, it was my getting out of jail party." "And then something happened that made a sweet night even sweeter." "We crown Earl Hickey as prom king because he is responsible for this entire evening, including getting me this awesome outfit." "I never thought being prom king would mean so much, mostly because I didn't know proms had kings." "Well, now that I knew it, it felt great." "Thank you, fellow creatures of the sea." "Then I realized this crown would mean even more to someone else." "But you know who we should really be thanking for all of this?" "Jesus?" "Well, okay, but I was thinking of someone a little more on our level." "The pope?" "Okay, church guy, stop answering." "I'm just going to tell you." " It's John." " John the baptist?" "No, John the artist." "He's the real prom king." "Without him, none of this would har happened." "Sure, john was prickly andemanding, but underneath that he was a sad kid who had missed out on a lot in life." "And I was glad to give some of it back." "Especially since I was getting six months of my own life back, too." "Thank you..." "for giving this another chance." "Things are going to be a little different this time." "Oh, there they are, Mr. and Mrs. Hitler." "Go back to communist Russia." "You're a terrible son and you know nothing about history." "I got elected prom king." "I'm the king, everybody loves me except for you, because you're both fat failures who don't know how to love." "How dare you!" "What the hell was that?" "You promised me you were going to make up with your parents." "What do you want from me?" "I saw them again and I went off." "We had a deal." "I spent every dime I had on you." "And all I have for it are pictures of me and a short chick who didn't even put out at the prom." "My parents treated me like crap, so now I treat other people like crap." "It's out of my control, Earl." "You still make your own decisions." "Anything bad I do isn't my fault." "It's theirs for being losy parents." "My middle name is Lou..." "John Lou." "There's two toilets in my name, Earl." "I never had a chance!" "Right then, something inside me just snapped." "I don't know if it was cause I'd been in prison for too many months, or the fact that this punk was keeping me in for six more," "but all I wanted to do was make him suffer." "I wanted to take everything from him like he took everything from me and his parents." "What are you doing?" "!" "Hey, you treated me like crap, so now I treat other people like crap." "It's out of my control." "My prom picture, my painting... you son of a bitch!" "Oh, I'm sorry, did I hit you?" "Well, don't blame me, because anything bad I do isn't my fault, it's your fault." "Including this." "This isn't over, hickey." "I wasn't proud of what I did and doing it didn't actually make me feel any better." "Plus, John promised there'd be payback." "And there was." "Just wasn't the payback I expected." "Turned out the more John blamed me for burning down his cell, the more he admit he should blame himself for what he had done to his parents." "And he knew he needed to make it right." "Turns out all the time john spent stoned staring at the wall had a benefit." "He memorized every family photo in that wall." "Photos that john's parents assumed were lost forever." "Which was reasonable, since they'd all been destroyed in the house fire." "And john had found a way to give them back something they thought they'd never see again." "It was the best reconciliation John's parents could have hoped for." "And most importantly for me, the warden was going to look good in front of his wife." "Earl, that was amazing." "You really understand the psychology of the criminal mind." "You're like the scumbag whisperer." "I'm just glad everything turned out so well, sir." "And for somebody, it's only going to get better." "Here's 6 more months off your sentence." "Thank you, sir." "Thank you so much." "No, earl, thank you for bailing me out one more time." "Honestly, I don't know what I would do here without you to cover my ass." "Well, I guess you're going to find out tomorrow." "Thanks again, sir."