"Hey, you guys, thank you very much for having me and for paying for my flight to come over." "Hello, boys." "Hey, I heard Alan needs an auctioneer." "I'm here." "I'm assuming that not all the guests have to actually stay in the basement." "Nice to be here, pretending it's five people having a gentle chat with an audience." "Sharing a dressing room!" "Evening." "APPLAUSE" "Hello." "I'm Alan Davies and this is As Yet Untitled." "This is the show where me and four funny people sit down and have a conversation and during the course of the conversation, we will come up with the title for the show." "We have limited ambition, but so far, we've always achieved our goals." "Please will you welcome my guests." "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "Hello." "OK, I'm going to introduce them all, one at a time." "Please will you welcome Grace Dent." "Grace Dent hasn't been to Yoga in 18 months." "Grace Dent." "David O'Doherty is here." "David O'Doherty is an almost professional athlete and has had a top 30 hit." "Johnny Vegas." "Welcome, Johnny." "Johnny became an inadvertent subscriber to the Catholic newsletter." "Johnny Vegas." "And Sean Kelly." "Sean Kelly shouldn't go camping with co-workers and will never again live in a van." "That's right." "Only once." "I shall explain." "Now, in what field were you almost a professional athlete?" "Well, you could say in numerous fields, in that I wanted to be." "It's looking increasingly unlikely that it's going to happen by the year...now, but the closest I ever got was, in the year 2000, I'd just started doing stand-up comedy and I was house-sitting for Ardal O'Hanlon, a very funny comedian," "and he played golf and he had been booked to play in the Pro-Am of the Irish Open, which is the day before the pro tournament starts." "The players, to get used to the course, play with probably businessmen and then also some people like Ardal." "And he got stuck in London and they were just searching for someone at the last minute." "Could somebody please fill in?" "So I said I would play." "And it was with the defending champion, a Swedish guy who went on to be quite successful, called Patrick Sjoland - won it the year before." "And so I was drawn to play with him and when I arrive there," "I didn't have any golf clubs or any golf gear." "So the first thing the sponsors did was give me full pro gear and clubs and a caddie, and so I looked like the defending champion." "And on the first tee, there are about 1,500 people and all people are saying is, "The defending champion" ""is about to hit his first shot of the tournament"." "And I get up and..." "I hit the single greatest golf shot I've ever hit." "I absolutely tonked it down the middle of the hole." "And he hit his shot - fine - but in the five minutes it takes to get to the ball," "I've actually convinced myself, "Holy shit!" "I could do this!"" "If you just imagine you're a pro, it turns out that's all you have to do." "And then when I get to the ball, I'd say 150 people have formed quite a tight horseshoe around it and that's when the nerves really start to set in, because at least on the tee, they're all in the grandstand," "whereas I could kill upwards of 30 people here with this wayward shot, and so I do that." "I hit it about two yards, and then I hit it about four yards and there follows four hours of me hitting the ball, you know," "10 to 15 yards each time." "But for that glorious five-minute spell..." "I mean, I think it was so embarrassing the rest of it, because every single time, there's a new lot of people in each hole going, "Oh, the defending champion is here." "Let's see what he's like"." "And then, cos I guess it's one of my dreams, kids would run up with programmes and they'd be like," ""Can you sign this, defending champ?"" "And I would just jot down..." "Ardal O'Hanlon." "Yeah!" "And I gained a real appreciation for how hard it must be to be..." "Imagine you're in a boy band." "The two kind of bouncer dudes on either side, the talentless ones - that's effectively what I was." "It seemed like I could do it, but deep down in my heart," "I knew I'm an absolute phoney here." "And that is the closest I ever got to..." "You went to school with the lead singer." "And yeah, probably once took a punch for him or something." "But that's the closest my pro golf career ever got." "That's what Take That's like now, though, isn't it?" "There's only three of them left now." "Yeah, but it's the worst ones, isn't it?" "The worst ones are left." "I've a lot of respect for people who just leave at the..." "Like John Deacon was the bass player in Queen and I think after Freddie died, he went, "Right, I'm out." ""I'm done." "We had a great band."" "And that's it, whereas the others keep appearing at the top of Buckingham Palace." "I love him, though." "Brian." "Do you love Brian?" "I love him because..." "I just love him." "I love how passionate he is about badgers." "He's really good at the guitar, isn't he?" "No, I don't care about that." "It's the badgers and the foxes and stuff." "I'm a big animal lover." "Is he into badgers?" "Do you have badgers in America?" "I'm sure we do." "We're killing the badgers over here." "We're killing them off because they're - what is it?" "Apparently, they've got TB." "They've got TB and they're passing it on, so we're culling them." "People are against it." "Grace is against it." "They've had a very bad PR campaign in this country, badgers." "Me and Brian agree on this." "You very rarely hear a good news story about badgers." "You never hear how you're hit by a truck in the middle of nowhere and next of all, five badgers took me to AE." "With their little paws." "You know Clint Eastwood in Honkytonk Man?" "You know the film Honkytonk Man?" "I feel a non sequitur coming on." "Did he ever at any point in that movie bump into a badger?" "What happens in that one?" "He's made up a film that doesn't exist." "Honkytonk Man is a genuine film about a singer who gets TB and at no point in that movie is there a black and white flash in the background and then, "I feel a cough coming on."" "You know about culture and stuff." "Is that a real thing?" "No." "Honkytonk Man's a genuine film!" "Was my sole purpose here...?" "Is this an intervention?" "Yeah." "Honkytonk Man's a really..." "When he makes something up, pin him down on it!" "Don't just laugh and let him go." "Please keep this in." "Has anybody heard of it?" "It was a dream!" "It was a dream!" "Has anyone heard of Honkytonk Man?" "Why would Clint do tuberculosis, for goodness sake?" "You know what?" "Jesus Christ, this is how the Nazis started - just an idea round the table." "It's a really good film!" "This is not how the Nazis started!" "Exactly like this." "Honkytonk Man!" "It's..." "Don't keep saying it - we heard you the first time." "It's a genuine film." "I expect a text from you tomorrow, from all of you, in fact, just going," ""I'm sorry." "I got home, I looked it up." "It's a really good film" ""and it was very sad at the end." "He coughs up blood."" "I don't think it was probably released here." "It was!" "I don't want to start a beef with Brian May, and that's a sentence I've never said before, but the badger is Ireland's most dangerous wild animal in terms of attacks." "I am listening." "I'm just looking up Honkytonk Man." "Oh, come off it!" "You'd have to go out of your way to find the badger and then poke it with something." "OK, this is what I've heard." "There's a time of year when the badger mates and during that time, if you walk onto their turf, then they will come..." "Turf?" "Yeah, they will..." "Literally." "Badgers in Harlem." "That was a good film." "Now, that one I saw." "Clint was brilliant in that." "So the badger has a locked jaw." "If you're walking through the woods and...so the badger, "Oi oi!" "This could be a mate rival!"" "So the badger comes and attacks you because it thinks you're going to shag the other badger?" "Here's what happens, right?" "It's a sexually aggressive badger?" "Locks on your leg." "I'm sure other people have heard this, that you have to carry..." "Never heard about it before in my life, mate." "Should have backed me up on the fucking film." "Did you find it?" "Did you find it?" "I've seen badgers." "They never locked on me." "I never smelt like a..." "They never smelt me like a competitor." "The badger will only release when it hears the crack of bone, so you have to carry a stick and if the..." "Is that a real thing?" "Yes." "Only when your bone cracks will it let you go?" "Look..." "They're only about that big." "They can't do that." "No, they're huge." "You either heard this somewhere..." "Or dreamt it." "Or dreamt it." "Would you like me to put you out of your misery?" "The director has come into my ear and said Honkytonk Man was released in 1982, starring Clint Eastwood." "APPLAUSE" "I'm sorry, Johnny." "He told me that about five minutes ago, but it was much more fun..." "The period of time where you were going," ""Is there nobody here?" "!" was more fun." "Carrying a stick." "Carry on about the badger." "So, badger..." "See, now I'm intrigued." "So, badger... ..badger only releases upon hearing the crack of bone, so you carry the stick and then if the badger grabs you, you get the stick and you crack it over your other knee." "Why don't you crack it over the badger's head?" "The badger hears, thinks it's broken your leg and returns to its bed." "So it's satisfied?" "Once it's broken your leg, it will just walk away from you?" "I'm imagining the badger would think," ""I've killed my competitor" not, 'Good, his leg's broke."" "I'm going to go into the forest with an erection, wait for a badger to attack me, I'm going to let it break my leg." "And then I'm going to pick it up and shake it and go," ""You didn't think this through!"" "And I'm going to shake it, looking at my penis and go," ""And I'm going to go into your home" ""and I'm going to make love to your wife" ""and I'm going to befriend your kids" ""and I'm going to do loads of work for nature." ""Whereas YOU are going on the train line, my friend."" "We are through the looking glass now and I'm going to have to tell you this." "How long were you in a van for?" "A year and a half." "What?" "OK, van..." "This was an RV." "This was a 45-foot bus, two leather couches, five flatscreen TVs." "That's a Winnebago." "It had a dry sauna, it had a stackable washer-dryer, it had a full shower, so "van"..." "It's a recreational vehicle." "Recreational vehicle." "Where they made crystal meth in Breaking Bad." "That's right." "That's what inspired me to get it." "Really?" "No, I'm making that up." "No matter how you dress that up, you're still pooing in a little cupboard, aren't you?" "The poo in the RV is what motivated me to sell the RV." "True story." "First day of filming Storage Hunters, right, very first day, back in the States, I'm all excited, wake up early, my wife and I..." "We were living in the RV at the time." "We drive the RV to our TV show." "Rare that you're living in a van and you have a TV show, and getting out of the parking lot, it gets wedged between two poles, stuck." "I had to go find someone to cut the pole down." "That took a while." "Then we get to the set and they decide it would be great to film inside." "One of the cameramen bumped the stove." "We left." "We didn't realise he'd bumped the stove and turned the gas on." "The RV filled up with gas." "I come back to change my clothes, I smell the gas." "Luckily the heater hadn't kicked on." "Opened all the doors, shut the stove off, right?" "Thank God" " I saved it from blowing up." "I extend the bedroom out, cos you do with these extensions, where you hit a button and it goes out, right?" "Go in, get my clothes out of the closet." "It's cool, right?" "I change my clothes, I go back, we do some more filming." "That afternoon, after about 10 hours of filming, we get in our car, three-hour ride home." "On the freeway everyone is honking at me." "I'm just giving them, "It's big, it's slow" " I get it." "Go round!"" "That's not why they were honking." "They were honking because I forgot to bring the bedroom back in." "So I'm going down the freeway with the bedroom over the other lane, people are honking." "The way I discovered this is when the highway patrolman was," ""Do you know why I'm writing you this ticket?"" "So I get down to the RV park that day." "All I wanted to do was just get in the shower." "So you go to hook up the sewer for the poo and the pipe burst and poo went everywhere." "No!" "So then they call the fire department, Hazmat gear, they come in, they clean up all the poo, which is spectacular." "That wouldn't happen in this country, by the way." "It'd be, "Get on with it yourself."" "I've come to England three times and you're right - they'd tell me to eff off." "But in America, they have to put on the Hazmat suits, they clean your poo up for you." "How nice." "What a wonderful country." "And then afterwards, I do what any good American does " "I go to Walmart to buy another sewer hose and I hook it back up." "I go to take another shower and I hear bang, bang, bang on the door." "I'm just like, "Leave me alone!" Bang, bang, bang!" "I throw a towel on and go out and go," ""What's wrong?" "What's going on?"" "He goes, "Your RV, man, it's flooding."" "And there's, like, water." "The pipes had burst underneath the RV, flooded all of our clothes, all of our belongings, and I saw red and I just said, "I will burn this mother-effer to the ground!"" "And it was that day I decided to sell it." "It was poo-inspired." "Surely it should not drive with the bedroom out." "Right!" "You would think so." "If this was a Volkswagen or a Volvo, something would have kicked in with a beep-beep!" "My car, which is German, beeps at me as soon as I look at it, like I've done something dangerous." "But that's like the German thinking." "A German would be like," ""That's right." "You cannot drive it when the bedroom is out." ""There must be a button or else you can't drive."" "But Americans are like," ""Yeah, man, whatever." It's America." ""Do what you want - it's America!"" "Did you not look in your wing mirror and notice..." "There's a house!" "Oh, it's me." "..that your vehicle was so much bigger?" "It was my first day of filming, 10, 12 hours." "I was exhausted." "All I could think about was I've got to..." "Look ahead, look ahead." "I was like, "I gotta drive my house home."" "Did you hit anything?" "Did you wipe anyone out, like a motorcyclist?" "No, but you know what?" ""What happened to you?" "I got hit by a house on the freeway."" "Here's the craziest thing in America." "You do..." "That's a big sentence." "Yeah, that is a big sentence." "OK, here's one of the many crazy things in America." "Because they want to sell these things to senior citizens and senior citizens tend to be not the best drivers, you don't have to have a special licence to buy an RV." "Oh, really?" "Yeah, no special licence." "Two pooping-based questions." "Yes?" "One, when you send down a, you know, a Bismarck..." "You know, an unsinkable ship." "Sorry, did you say unthinkable ship or an unsinkable ship?" "I used to live in a share house and mine just wouldn't flush." "Mine would do the thing where they would go down the pipe and you'd be like, "Well, that's good"" "and then just peep up and then fully reinflate again." "Sorry." "What always freaks me out in a shared house is what has the person went and got from the kitchen to break it up with." "Yeah, and that's it." "We are through the looking glass now and I'm going to have to tell you this." "So, I got..." "So I was working in Australia and some sort of bacterial infection swept through the hotel, but I got it worse than everyone and I was on the loo for about three days, but then about every six hours, I would vomit as well" "and then only once did we have the perfect storm." "In that moment, you have to make this decision which..." "Cos the sink and the bathroom are too far away." "You have to decide which of these would I like to clean up less and obviously hedged my bets and tried to send it down the proverbial gap." "there is a small gap that exists there and..." "So we're sitting there, having failed with that, and it's quite a posh hotel and there's a phone beside the loo and my mother likes to ring me and just tell me how lucky I am" "and how well everything's going and she rings and tells me how lucky I am as I'm looking down at my own barf-covered unit." "I'm out." "Sorry." "That was awesome." "Feep!" "Feep!" "You got married in Vegas?" "Yeah, it was a long time ago." "Was there anyone there that you knew?" "No." "There was people there, but I didn't know any of them." "I saw their signatures at the end on the form." "And it's legal?" "Totally legal." "Oh, my goodness." "I know." "They should stop that, by the way." "How long had you been in a relationship with the man?" "I did know him." ""I did know him" - that's awesome!" "Had you gone to Vegas with him?" "Yeah." "If you want a divorce, do you have to do it through the States or can you come back and stand in a court in England and go," ""I was dressed as Elvis and he was dressed as..."" "The first thing I did when I filed for divorce was I made my lawyers check that I was married." "That really fucked him off." "Because I didn't believe that you could get married so quickly." "It took about three minutes." "Oh, yeah - it's Vegas, baby!" "I perform in Vegas only once a year and I got to know the lady that owns the Little White Wedding Chapel and she's owned it for 50 years and she is a nut." "I love her and it's crazy." "It's 24 hours a day they're open." "They never close." "They always have at least two Elvises on duty ready to marry you." "Right?" "Classic Vegas bit." "Did you get married by an Elvis?" "No, I was married by a man called the Reverend Wayne Splendid." "Of course you were!" "Reverend Splendid." "You knew it was true love right there." "It sounds really bad when you say it." "Have you met Father Extraordinary?" "I actually don't think it matters whether you got married in three minutes or whether you got married in..." "You did the whole thing where you got engaged and announced it and then you go through, like, two years of pissing everyone off with your John Lewis list." "I don't think it matters." "You would say that." "I spent a fucking fortune on mine." "Did you?" "I mean..." "Have you been married once?" "Twice." "Was that on the first one?" "No, I spent nothing on the first one." "I'm so relieved." "And I actually hope she's watching." "It should have been Vegas." "It would be actually easier to kill them." "Than get a divorce?" "I like you." "I'm just saying that." "I'm not advocating killing anyone." "Sure you're not!" "I'm not saying that, but when you've been on the phone to British Gas for six hours," ""Just take his name off the fucking gas bill!"" "You just go..." ""I fucking killed him." "I fucking shot him."" "That's what you want to say." "Do you know what I mean?" "Can you tell us about your Top 30 hit?" "About seven years ago, I decided I wanted to try and have a hit in Ireland, but you don't want to be..." "You don't have a Top 10 hit, because people will remember, cos I do music as part of my comedy." "It might be one of the things like the Chicken Song, where people shout it at you for years to come." "For the rest of your life." "Yeah." "So I decided number 27 would be the correct number to aim for and February is the month where no-one buys singles." "It used to be the month, anyway." "This is pre-downloads." "This is 2007." "And I have a friend who worked for the Irish chart-compiling company." "He said, 200 copies, if you buy them in the correct stores that are chart-tracking that month." "It will get you to 27?" "That's all you need for 27, yeah." "So I recorded a song in two hours." "It was called Orange, about ladies who wear too much tan and we burned it." "Rude." "It's rude." "Oh, really?" "But you know..." "I love a tan." "You know the one that stops there on the jawline, where it's just complete whiteness." "What, you mean me about twice a month?" "Hey, really?" "Yeah, there's no shame in it." "Sometimes you put it on when you're a bit drunk." "You end up with one big orange hand." "Yeah." "My first husband had..." "An orange cock." "LAUGHTER" "My first husband had no true idea of my actual ethnicity until well after we got married." "He just thought I was kind of a Mediterranean dusky beauty until about six months." "He just pulled back the duvet one day and went, "Fuck!"" "And I was kind of like a pale blue colour, like a pale, white, porridgy colour." ""Hello, I'm from Cumbria." That's exactly it." "Sorry, I get..." "So we recorded this song, we burnt 200 copies on my laptop and made a cover." "You just need a barcode." "It isn't very hard to get." "And registered me as a label." "The rule is..." "So we stocked it in the two shops we definitely knew were chart-tracking on that particular month." "And you can't buy them within 15 minutes of each other, because in the '80s, bands used to buy hundreds of their own singles." "They'd go in and buy 20s." "So now you have to buy individual copies." "They have to be 15 minutes apart and the walk from one record shop to the other was an eight-minute walk, so myself and my friend Brian spent two days walking backwards and they'd go, "Oh, you again"" "and we'd be like," ""Can I have another copy of Orange by David O'Doherty?"" "Did you not at least try to disguise yourself with a variety of hats and sun visors?" "Dresses and things." "A nun." ""I'll have one of those!"" "Did it work, then?" "Yeah, we bought 196 copies and..." "You idiot!" "It didn't get to 27." "It got to 30." "It got to number 30." "30 is better, though." "Yeah, 30's perfectly good." "So I have had a hit single that - brackets - that I bought all the copies of myself." "What's the chorus?" "Well, Grace..." "Sing me the chorus." "# She was orange Like a truck made by Tonka" "# Orange Like an employee of Willy Wonka" "# Orange, like a sport and leisure question from Trivial Pursuit" "# Orange, like Garfield... #" "You just think of orange things." "Is it on iTunes?" "There's a video for it." "Could we make it a Number 1 hit so you'll never be forgotten?" "Well, my favourite part about it was that I made a video for it, a really horrible sort of slow-mo throwing stones into the sea video on camcorder with my friend John." "And John at the time was making a movie called Once that won the Oscar for best song - a really amazing movie, and there was a mix-up on IMDB of..." "Cos he'd only directed two videos - one was the one for the song that won the Oscar, and the other was the worst song of all time." "And for a while, the YouTube comments under my song were just very respectful kind of," ""Really surprised that the Oscar went to this."" "I want to know why you haven't been to yoga for 18 months." "Oh!" "How long have you done yoga for?" "Well, I took it up a few years ago." "You're quite bendy, then, you're quite flexible?" "Give over." "No." "Well, I'd like to say it's because I can't improve on this, but the reason why..." "Farts - was it too many farts?" "That's exactly it." "No!" "I took it up because I wanted to be elegant, and then I realised you're with all these women and they are all really elegant and then somebody always goes..." ""Phhhhrrrt!" And you're not allowed to laugh." "Why - is that a rule?" "It's a rule." "Who writes these rules?" "That's a horrible rule!" "I see a woman fart, I'm gonna laugh." "I would use a lighter." "Of course you would." "Right, and I never actually let rip in one of these classes, but after 10 or 11 woman had done it, I thought, well, it's got to be me next and I would actually probably just have to move countries." "But there came a point 18 months ago where you thought," "I'm not going to be able to go - my farts are getting more and more hard to contain." "Are they farts?" "You've got to be strategic about what you eat before you go." "You can't just have a really big nut and bean salad at 12 o'clock and go out and do a few downwards dogs." "You can't bloody do that." "Are they farts or are they queefs?" "Do you know what I mean?" "This is the problem." "A front bottom one." "I often think it's easier to say it's queef than a fart, because..." "I've never heard queef." "I'm enjoying queef." "I know." "A fanny fart." "Yeah, but queef, what's that mean?" "I don't know where that came from." "It's an American word." "Yeah, it is." "It's a pussy fart." "Well, thanks for clearing that up." "When your cat farts." "Exactly!" "I don't think a man's as put off by a pussy fart, because they just think it's funny and it's often the result of something good happening." "Whereas if you just let rip, a man's not going to go," ""I'm going to marry you for that revolting smell you just made."" "Queef I think could be onomatopoeic, as in it's the sound it makes." "Queef!" "If you did willy farts, men would never stop doing willy farts." "Oh, my God, it would be..." "Can you imagine it?" "Especially if it made a whistling sound." "The joy that spread over your faces just thinking about that!" "If we could do willy farts, I would do one right here on this show." "It should be like old Victorian policemen, you know." "Feep!" "Feep!" "It's like a call - "I need help'!" Feep!" "Were you in any kind of position where you could pretend that you weren't having sex?" "Let's see." "You tell me." "I want to know why Sean doesn't go camping any more." "Now we're in the woods and you've got an erection and you and Brian May are freeing the badgers, here's a man who should not go camping with his co-workers." "Those are good enough reasons right there not to go camping, but the reason why I've learned never go camping with a co-worker..." "I was managing a magazine and this woman who was a graphic artist, cutest girl...." "She's like 5 foot 2, black woman with dreadlocks." "She was married to a 6 foot 5, red headed, bearded gentleman and these guys say, "Hey, do you want to come camping with us?"" "I'm like, "All right, that sounds like fun."" "So I go home and ask my wife and she's like, "Sure, I'm up for that."" "So we go camping." "It's a five-hour drive from Tucson, up into the mountains." "We go to this lake." "We get there late at night, we camp, we have a good time, but at the end of the camping trip, because we'd driven in at night, we didn't see what was out there," "so on the way back, we're towing this trailer." "It gets a flat tyre." "So they unhook the trailer and say to my wife and I, "Will you stay here and watch all our stuff?" ""We're going to take the tyre, try to find the next closest town," ""try to get a new tyre and come back." ""We may not be back for about three hours." So they leave." "We'd been camping all weekend." "So I get this great idea, cos I'm an ideas guy, right?" ""Honey, let's take all of our clothes off except for our shoes" ""and I'll pour the water over you and you shower" ""and then you pour it for me and I'll take a shower." ""We'll be nice and clean."" "My wife's a germophobe, so she's like, "This is fantastic."" "Then afterwards, we were completely clean and I think," ""Hey, you know what?" ""We're in the middle of nowhere - let's have sex." "This is great." ""We'll remember this forever." So my wife and I are having sex." "What I didn't realise was that right over the ridge, when they took off to leave to go to town three hours away, there was a ranch, and on the ranch, luckily enough, this guy had a spare tyre, the same exact size." "They were back about 20 minutes later, mid-sex." "They come over the hill." "I'm like this." "My wife and I look, we make eye contact with them and they just drove by us as if nothing was happening." "Tactful." "That's tactful." "We get dressed as quickly as possible, we get in the van, five-hour drive home." "Nobody brings it up." "Five hours of silence." "Five hours?" "Really?" "And in the six years that I worked with that woman, her and her husband invited us to do one other thing, and that was to go to a concert." "We go to the concert, and I'm with her husband and I see this woman who's just dressed slutty and I turn to him and go," ""Oh, my God!" "Look at this slut!"" "And he goes, "Dude, that's my sister."" "I go, "Bullshit that's your sister!"" "And he calls her over and it was his sister." "You deserved that one." "And you go off and you find a bucket of water and you go," ""Does she want a shower?"" "Good one." "Really?" "Five hours all the way home and no-one could say," ""Well, that was awkward." "We thought you were going to be gone longer" ""and, you know, we got caught up in nature and everything."" "I had to see her at work every day." "Every day I had to go back to work." "Do you think they might have been watching you for a while?" "Oh!" "That's kind of devious." "They might have, who knows?" "Were you in any kind of position where you could pretend that you weren't having sex?" "Let's see." "You tell me." "Johnny, tell me about the Catholic newsletter than you inadvertently subscribed to." "You don't have to." "We were having such a fun time." "You don't have to if you don't want to." "Very religious household." "Three brothers." "My dad, the only man who never actually had any porn in the house." "We went into other people's houses and their dad had a stash." "It was almost like being a dad meant having a stash." "In the '70s, definitely." "Inside the bath, the bath's plastic panels." "There you go." "Mayfair, that sort of thing." "In the shed." "I could literally give you a tour of Carlisle of where all the porn was." "I was a little girl, you know." "Cos there's nothing else to do." "It would be in a hedge." "I used to walk dogs for the neighbours and walk round, because blokes who got rid of it hastily would throw it across the field." "Why is it always in a hedge?" "Always in a hedge." "Porn would find you." "I feel sad now walking my dog." "There's no porn anywhere." "You always think, "Oh, God!"" "A badger attacks you." "No badgers." "You know what?" "I had this debate and I'm going to get skinned alive for this..." "I would almost..." "My son's at a certain age now." "..would rather go out and buy a mucky book to pretend to hide than him go on the internet." "That horror." "Just like a copy of Razzle." "Yeah." "You know what I mean?" "Just something really normal and go, "This doesn't represent women."" "And a nice letters page, where people having sex with each other..." "As a kid, I'm going..." "Bathtime, overfill the bath." "And my dad kept saying to me, "I'm going to drill the bath", like they do in the boarding houses so that you keep flooding the bathroom." "I just liked being totally submerged and hiding my shame." "One day I flooded the bathroom and I took the panel off and I'm going to soak it up with towel and I found one of my brother's magazines." "A bath panel - that's what YOU said." "In the bath." "Well, the magazine..." "It was beautiful." "It was so well-hidden and it was..." "Cherished." "It was a cherished item." "There was a woman in there dressed as a policewoman and..." "I kind of knew she wasn't a policewoman." "There wasn't the full uniform." "And I was always kind of..." "I wasn't always visual." "I needed a back-story and I developed this thing over time." "I had this special relationship with her where she'd arrested me." "For what?" "For stealing a pornographic book and I'd confessed to her that I'd never been with anyone and she said, "You've got two options."" "And I don't know why, it was an American voice, she went," ""You can either go before a judge or this."" "How many years did that serve you for?" "We had a good eight-month relationship." "Right, so one night, I'm in a bit of a rush and I'd kind of got myself geared up and I'd already put myself through the judicial system." "I'd already met my lawyer." "I was really thorough." "I really like to flesh the story out, so I'd met my lawyer." "They told me that she was going to give evidence." "She'd come in the cell, she'd talk to me." "It would happen." "On this one, you're going, right, just get ready for the..." "So I'm...trousers down and I'm ready to sort of go," ""I'm a bad person." "I deserve everything I get."" "I put my hand in and pull it out..." "The magazine." "Yeah." "What would I be...?" "No, hey!" "When I pull out, in the meantime, what I didn't know was that my dad had caught on to me running the taps slow and taking a long time to have a bath." "So I'm lying there on the bathroom floor with my penis in my hand and I pull out a Catholic newsletter." "He'd swapped it." "Just as I'm at the point of no return," "I pull out a picture of Our Lady." "You can imagine the kind of "Argh!"" "What scenario did you have to invent for this?" "She's a super lawyer from the DS." "You could tell it wasn't really Our Lady." "It was..." "Everybody comes into that age, you know what I mean?" "Sexually aware, but you just don't know it." "But when I read it..." "You know what I mean?" "You're in denial of the fact that your parents had sex and everything and the second you pull that out, it was like," ""You bastard!" "You know."" "You know that he knows, because he swapped it for that." "And you're lying there, in a foetal position." "My dick went backwards - I had a vagina." "I'm lying on the bathroom floor, a new woman." "I'd already undressed so I'm like, "Oh, God, I've gone the whole hog!"" "I went through the whole, like, opera of having a bath." "You know, like..." "# Just in the bath, la la la!" "#" "Singing too loud and kind of," "# No wanking here Just enjoying the soap" "# Nowhere near my testicles!" "#" "And went downstairs and you know that thing of going, "You know what?" ""Maybe they played a trick." "Maybe your brother..."" "I walked into the living room and I was just like..." "I felt so dirty but you're going," ""Just don't..." "Play it cool, play it cool."" "Sat down." "And people think that..." "This is genuine - Juliet Bravo was on." "I like Juliet Bravo." "I like Juliet Bravo." "Not in that way." "But at that moment, I'd never looked at her that way." "She's a policewoman, of course!" "Oh, my God!" "I sit down." "And I sit down on the couch." "My dad goes, "Finished with your bath?"" "And you know that poker kind of..." "And you go, "Yeah, yeah."" ""Good, cos you know what they say, don't you?"" ""No."" ""Cleanliness is next to godliness."" "And you know when you're going," ""You fucking bastard." "You absolute...!"" "And it was just that..." "I'm dead now." "I'm no longer the son that he raised, the son that was gonna be anything." "It was an horrendous..." "And I went back next month just to check." "Yeah, it's still the newsletter." "Did you never see that policewoman again?" "The policewoman?" "No, well, the thing is, she moved on, didn't she?" "You'd have to invent a scenario where you didn't see her any more." "No, I didn't, but you know what I did after that?" "I made a pact with God, because I had this thing." "I had so much guilt over it that the next fucking book I looked at," "I realised that certain woman had crucifixes on, so I actually said a thing of going," ""I know it's wrong, but I'm just attracted to it."" ""I won't masturbate over anyone that has a crucifix on," ""as long as they've got jewellery on that doesn't refer to" ""Christ our Lord being hung on the cross." ""Is it OK by you?"" "Oh!" "I know, it should have ended on a big laugh." "But listen, we have a responsibility on As Yet Untitled to think of the title for the show." "Every time I look at you now, I imagine you having sex in the woods." "Yeah!" "I would say we go one better than that and we just say Queefing In The Woods." "Queefing In The Woods is an option." "Can you remember any of our conversation?" "Bits and bobs." "I like..." "What was your line for the judge?" "Where you go, "Do you want to speak to the judge or do you want this?"" "Oh..." "As a title?" "For this show." "It kind of gives the end game away, though, doesn't it?" ""You can either sit with the judge or you can face this."" ""You can face time or face this."" "You Can Face Time Or Face This." "What about Colour Me Orange?" "I'd like to thank my guests " "Grace Dent, David O'Doherty, Johnny Vegas, Sean Kelly." "You have been watching You Can Face Time Or You Can Face This." "Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd"