"I think it's the smallest cellular phone you can get that's on the market today..." " Shh, shh, dad, dad." "Turn it up, will you?" "They're showing our block." "Oh, yeah, you're right." "That is our block." "It certainly is." "We should be waving or something, you know?" "It doesn't look good on TV." "We should move." "Yeah, let me hear what he's saying." "Authorities are looking for the driver of a late- model four-door sedan that collided with and destroyed a U.S. mailbox, at the corner of North Sánchez and Jerome." "Eyewitnesses say the driver of the sedan was Caucasian, bald and in his late 40s." "Yeah, that could be almost anybody." "It is a mailbox," "I think they're overreacting a little bit." "Well, I mean, that's a federal offense." "Ben, why are you writing down that number?" "Dad, will you pass the phone?" "Why is that, Ben?" "Well, I'm gonna call them and report you." "What do you mean?" "Wait, do you..." "Ben, do you think that I have anything to do with this?" "If I go outside and check your car right now, will there be a mailbox on it?" "Come on, Ben, what do you think?" "Yes." "I didn't hit a mailbox with the car, and besides if I did," "I certainly wouldn't run away from it." "One thing your father is not afraid of..." "What are you hiding underneath that overcoat?" "A mailbox." "You know, shame on you, I..." "You know what?" "Shame on you." "Why "shame on me?" I didn't do anything." "Well, how could you hit a mailbox and then come right home?" "How would you think that..." "you're putting me in jeopardy." "Now I'm complicit, I know about it, I have to call." "I have a responsibility to the law." "You do what you gotta do, Ben, but I'm telling you something, if you pick up the phone, I'm gonna kill you." "I find it extremely hurtful that you would suggest that in a million years" "I would do something like that." "Do you find this hurtful?" "Ow, yeah!" "That's for what you did." "You should take responsibility for hitting it." "Ben, this is..." "The least you could do is compensate me." "You know what I'm saying?" "Wink, wink." "You don't want me to call?" "You're talking about some hush money?" "Well, I don't know what it's called, and I didn't hear you say that." "How about instead of some hush money," "I just put a pillow over your head?" " How about that?" " Suffocate me?" "I'd have fun." "So, what's going on with you, Jeff?" "You seem a little what?" "Take a look at me, what do you see?" "I'm a big guy, a big, big guy, but watch what I say." ""I'm a little girl." "I'm a pretty little girl."" "I just thought I'd come in and entertain you, that's always a good opening line, you know." "Jeff, it's your time." "What do you want to talk about?" "Um, I was just in Florida visiting my family." "I saw my grandparents." "My grandma, she's seen me perform a few times." "She actually... one time, she yelled out in the middle of my show..." "And I was bombing, I'll admit that... but she yelled out." ""You need a new act!" "This one's not good anymore, they don't like it!"" "And I told the audience, "That's my grandma!" Mm-hmm." "Whenever I go visit her with a friend of mine, because they have a beautiful pool where they live in Florida, and I'll bring a friend over, she'll introduce them as my boyfriend." ""And this is Jeffrey's boyfriend."" "And I'll say," ""Grandma, don't say 'boyfriend.' that implies that I'm in a relationship, you know, with this person."" "So then she would introduce them as," ""This is Jeffrey and his friend Warren." "They're just friends."" "I find myself lately calling up sex party lines." "I call up and they put me into a room the last time I call up." " Right." "And there's all these people getting to know each other, you know, "What do you look like?" "What color hair do you have?"" "That sort of thing, and then suddenly I'll yell out," ""I love potatoes!"" "And then they'll, "Get off, old man!"" ""Get off!"" "You know, and I get quiet again, and it builds and builds and builds, and they get to a point where," ""What if I did this to you?"" ""What if I did that to you?" That sort of thing." "And just as they're about to get there, I yell out," ""I love 'em fried, I love 'em mashed, I love potatoes!"" "Has anyone ever come to you and just wanted to sit and not say anything and just be?" "That hasn't happened yet, but I can..." "I can see that happening, you know?" "And I also wonder if I sit here, and I really..." "Let's say, I convey something really personal that maybe you've heard, like, 400 other times, even though it's..." "It's... it's something that's new to me, if you're thinking about pottery, or something along those lines." "Well, that's the... that's the risk you run." "You're gonna have to trust that I'm a professional and that I'm interested in helping you." "But what did you ask me?" "Note to myself..." "I wonder why Ben refuses to believe me." "I think you're overreacting." "I mean, he's just playing with you." "Yeah, you know I would appreciate it, Laura, if you would respect my privacy." " Well, I had to tell you something." " What's that?" "Ben is on line one." "Hey, Ben." "Dad, destroying government property is a federal offense." "You know what should be a federal offense is your attitude towards your father." "That should be against the law." "I don't like your tone right now." "Well, my tone is gonna kick your attitude's ass in a minute... that's all I'm saying." "I don't know you dad." "Ben, you heard the report." "It said he was in his late 40s and he was bald, so that..." "How old are you?" "I'm in my late 40s, but I got myself a full head of hair." "I guess, I just never noticed it." "This is..." "I'm "bald-ing" if anything." "Right." "Now, Ben, come on." "Just accept the fact that it's a coincidence that this character..." "But dad, I, you know..." "He fits my description." "Even though you're my father," "I think I still have a responsibility to..." "Listen to me." "I did not collide with a mailbox." "Listen to me:" "I don't believe you." "Okay, now listen to me." "Believe me." "Dad, listen to me clearly." "I am gonna take you down." "And I'll tell you something else." "You ruined a mailbox in my neighborhood." "I live here, and that's plain wrong." "Tony V. To see Dr. Katz..." "Unless he's busy, or he's got something better to do, you know, laundry, or..." "I..." "I could leave." "You want a sandwich?" "Oh, boy." "Maybe I'll go get you some cheese or something." "I..." "I could just go do..." "Just sit down." "I'm getting a little bit short-tempered with the traffic situation." "You ever get in that traffic we got now where you're driving, and then you're not?" "You're just going 60, and then all of a sudden, you're going nothing." "You don't even go, like, 50, 40, 30, 20, ten, just nothing." "And then you go a half mile, and you're going again." "And there was nothing in the way." "I don't mind getting stuck in traffic as long as when I get to where the problem is, there's a problem." "Yeah, you want some kind of explanation." " Did you ever get in that stop-and-go kind of traffic?" " Yeah." "You go a foot and you wait, then you go another inch and you wait, you go to... the kind where you let the guy in front of you go an extra 60 feet so you have the illusion of driving fast for a minute?" "Right." "You're all proud of yourself, you go, "Whoo!"" "I get to where the problem was, and you know what was causing the traffic?" " What's that?" "Cardboard." "Not even a cardboard box where you could potentially go," ""Ooh, be careful, there might be kitties in there!"" "Which, for some bizarre reason, has become my wife's biggest fear on the planet." "Anytime we see anything on the highway, she snaps." ""Oh, watch out for the paint can." "There might be kitties in the paint can."" ""There are no kitties in the paint can!"" ""Oh, watch out for the doughnut box, there could be kitties..." - "Kitties in the... in the doughnut box."" "There's no kitties!" "But it wasn't even that, just flat corrugated cardboard." "The only thing that would have happened if you went over the cardboard at full speed is this:" "You would have been driving, you would have heard..." "And you'd have been on your way." "Dr. Katz' office." "Listen close and listen hard." " I'm only gonna say this once." " What?" "I said, listen close and listen hard." "I'm only gonna say this once." "Can you speak up, please?" "I said listen close and listen hard," "I'm only gonna say this once." "Okay?" "How are you?" "What's up, Ben?" "Has my dad made any, you know, weird phone calls this morning?" "No." "Is he lurking around as opposed to just walking around?" " Uh, no more than usual." " Right." "Has his posture changed?" "Um, no." "You'd lie for him, right?" "You'd lie for the man, wouldn't you?" "You know what?" "You lie for the man, you go down, too." "Ben, what are you talking about?" "All right, look." "My father is in deep shinola here, all right?" "Has anyone been around asking questions or anything?" "No, no, not really." "All right, I can't really talk about it now, but the point I'm trying to make, Laura, is that last night I'm watching the news with my dad, mm-hmm." "They report a guy, bald, late 40s, hits a mailbox, and then drives away." "It's, like, a hit-and-run." " That's a federal offense." " It's a federal offense." "So I'm thinking now, I'm a little nervous." "I'm sitting next to a guy who probably just hit a mailbox," "I don't know what to do." "So I just pretend like everything's all right, and everything's cool." "I don't make a move." "Well, you know, it probably wasn't him." "If my father goes up for this, which is an expression that you probably don't know, but I do." "But if he goes up to the hoosegow, you know, I just want to tell you right here right now, that your job is secure." "I'll probably take over and still schedule people." " Great, right." " You know?" "Can you believe my father hit a mailbox?" "Mmm..." "Can you believe they reported that on the news?" "I make a lot of phony phone calls lately, but not to strangers." "I don't think that's very challenging, making them to strangers, you know?" "Calling up somebody and they answer," ""Hello?"" ""Hi, I'm..." "I'm old!"" ""And what can I do for you, sir?"" ""I've got a big, long beard and I'm old!"" "See, there's no challenge in that." "See, for me, the challenge is calling up my friends, if I can fool my friends, then there's talent in that." "My favorite person to fool is my mother." "I called up my mom, recently, and she answered the phone." ""Helloo?"" "That's the way she answers, no matter what." ""Helloo, it's 70 and sunny where I am, helloo?"" ""Yeah, listen, we got your soap for you."" ""Excuse me?"" ""Yeah, you ordered some soap?"" ""I'm sorry, I..." "I didn't order any soap," "I..." "I don't recall..."" ""Ma'am, please, no attitude." "I'm a working man, no attitude." "You've got a window of opportunity between noon and three, noon and three we will deliver your soap."" ""I didn't order any so..."" ""Ma'am!"" ""Well, what kind of soap is it?"" ""It's like butter, it's delicious." "Delicious, smooth and creamy."" ""Well, it sounds wonderful, but I didn't order any s..."" ""Noon and three, that is your window of opportunity."" ""Well, I'm not gonna be home between noon and three to..." "Could you leave the door slightly ajar?" "Just leave it ajar and leave out a sandwich, roast beef, preferably, on white bread, no mustard or ketchup, just plain, that's the way I like it."" ""I'm sorry, I did not order any soap, I'm posit..."" "You know what?" "It is, my mistake, I apologize." "Your friend, miss Shelley Lipnack, she ordered you your soap."" "I know that Shelley Lipnack's a friend of my mother's, and I know my mother will be calling her, you know." "And I'll say," ""Listen, why don't you call her up right now?" "Get it straightened up, I'll call you back in ten minutes."" "So she's calling up her friend," ""Did you buy me soap?" "Did you order soap for me?"" "Or even better, her friend's not home 'cause she's still confused with the answering machines." " Right." ""They've got the delivery and my window is between noon and three, and I don't want to have an attitude, but they're hungry." "They're so hungry, call me."" "So I wait like ten minutes and she answers the phone," ""Helloo?"" ""Yeah, I'm right outside your door with your soap." "I'm right outside your door."" ""Right outside my door?" "You must be on a cordless... thing." "There's no one there!"" ""That's 'cause I'm hiding in a tree, I'm up in a tree, come find me, it's a game we play." "No tip needed, just come on and find me with your soap," "I'm up here in the tree."" ""In a tree, I... what..."" ""Mom?"" "Jeffrey, oh, soap!" "Oh, god, I'm your mother, I'm not a Guinea pig." "Why would you do... soap!" "Wait 'til your father..." "Soap, oh, god, why... you play these games with me..." "I've nev..." "How's the baby?"" " Hi, dad." " Ben." "Nervous?" "No, no, I'm not, as a matter of fact." "Really?" "I just called to tell you that you did it." "Hey, are you confessing for me, is this a new..." "You know what?" "I thought about it this morning, and I'm gonna back you up, I mean, if you want me to..." "If you want me to lie for you, I will." "I actually would appreciate it if you didn't lie for me, and you could stop lying to yourself." "Lying is fun." "Okay, look, lie for me, but there's nothing to lie about." "I was in the bar until..." "I don't know, a little bit before 11:00, I think." " Right." " I drove home, hit a mailbox and came upstairs and watched the news with you." "Now, will you back off, please?" "Oh, you're talking like a criminal." "You're all screwed up in the head now." "You don't know what to do." "You're scared, I understand." "If I'm guilty of anything, it's guilty of watching the news with my son." "I just don't want to see you go to prison." "I don't think you'd mind that much." "I think what you would resent is having to come there and visit me." "I'm just worried that if you go to prison, you're going to come back all, like, muscular." " Yeah." "Those guys, they're all in great shape, I'll tell you." "You'll have all the... you know, those prison tattoos, you know?" "Can I ask you a question?" "When you get your first prison tattoo, can it be my name?" "You better believe it." " Thank you." " "Benny-boy."" "Just put "Ben" on the wrist, yeah." "You know those things hurt." "I think they play basketball, and softball." "I don't know if they play softball." "I don't think that's the number-one prison sport." "All of the sudden, it seems like camp." " What, prison?" " Yeah." "It's a lot of fun." "I'll tell you one thing, Ben." "You know, prison is not all it's cracked up to be." "You know, I've treated some ex-inmates, and they found it confining, I'll tell you." "But, you know what?" "This game is getting a little tiresome for your dad." "You ain't kidding, but I'm gonna still play it." "Are you in the mob?" "There's a long black hair in the bowl of peanuts." "Just pretend like it's nothing." "What is it?" "There's a long black hair in the bowl of peanuts." "In the bowl of peanuts..." "Want me to get it?" "No." "Want me to braid it?" "I'm just gonna slide over to my left one stool, and I want you to follow me in a couple of minutes." "Okay." "Ix-nay with the air-hay." " What are you guys doing?" " Nothing." "What are you doing?" " Nothing." " Nothing." "Why are you moving away like that?" "What, like what?" "Why'd you just move down there?" "Huh?" "We didn't move anywhere hair net." "Stretching." "Let's play "Who can find the long black hair in the peanuts?"" "You go first." "Is there a long..." "are you serious?" "Close your eyes." "Oh, my god!" "Oh, jeez, you won already?" "Ugh!" "You're so good at this." "Well, dad, apparently you're off the hook." "I read in the paper that the man who hit the mailbox turned himself in and received the swift hand of the law... right." "You know, a fine for what he did." "I'm taking this as an apology, because I know this is as good as it's gonna get." "You know, I'm kind of disapp..." "just say the words," ""I'm sorry, dad."" "No, not yet." "Let's wait on that." "Why is hitting a mailbox a federal offense?" "I mean, that's a little severe, isn't it?" "I mean, you know how many people go up the river every year because they hit a mailbox?" "Uh, give me a hint." "Just that guy." "I'm kind of disappointed, actually." "We need some excitement in this family once in awhile and I figured..." "I mean, that was an exciting 24 hours." "I thought my dad was a criminal." "I could have written one of those books." ""A memoir of a father who walked on the dark side,"" "by Ben Katz." "Then I'd be, like, in parentheses," ""Yeah, the guy who hit the mailbox."" "I'd like to read that." "I'm just saying, it's not as exciting to live with a guy who doesn't do anything wrong." "Hey, I never... never said I didn't do anything wrong." "Have you ever broken the law?" "Broken the law many times in my life, in the '60s, mm-hmm." "You couldn't really call yourself a "man"" "and not break the law." "What did you do?" "Didn't call myself a "man."" "No, you know, i..." "I marched on Washington." "Wow." "I was in a lot of peace demonstrations." "You know, where else where you gonna meet women in 1965, you know?" "You know that famous prison riot?" " Attica." " Yeah." " You know that whole thing was a misunderstanding?" "Really?" "That the prisoners were actually quite content with the facilities, and they were chanting," ""Adequate, adequate!"" "I kid you not." "The media distorts everything." "They blew the whole thing out of proportion." "But who else owes who else an apology?" "And I'll give you a hint." "Come on, Ben, just spit it out." "All right." "I apologize for... for maybe jumping to conclusions." "Thank you." "Don't applaud that." "No, I've been waiting for a long time." "I know it's not easy for you to say those words." "Well, you know I didn't actually say them." "Don't ruin a good thing, Ben." "All right." "I still think you hit the mailbox." "She sounds like a loving wife." "There's somebody for everybody, apparently." "She has me doing home projects all the time." "I always got to go to those big warehouse..." "Those big, like, Home depot, and..." "The kind where they'll give you anything." "I love those places because you can go in and buy anything, you don't even have to know how to use it, what to call it..." "You could go into Home depot and buy the side of a house, no one would question you." ""I need the side of a house."" ""Left side or right side, sir?"" ""I don't have a clue," "I suppose, I should have taken measurements."" " Hey, Laura." " Hi." "Yeah, you know, I gotta be honest with you." "This whole crime thing has got me all fired up, baby." " I'm all juiced, you know what I say?" " What?" "You and me, we go on a spree." " Just get in a car..." " Yeah?" "We steal one, or we rent." "And then we just go, baby." "You know, like those two criminals, the ones who traveled together, Romeo and Juliet." "Bonnie and Clyde?" "Oh, Bonnie and Clyde, right." "See but we would do it without all the violence." " No guns." " Right." "Maybe we could just make it a shopping spree." "Yeah, that would be fun." "We could go to that place that sells cinnamon buns, you know, with all the glaze on them?" "I love those." " You know what I'm talking about?" " Yes, I do." "Yeah, I could eat, like, eight of them." "Mmm." "A little pricey, though." "Okay, you know what?" "Hey, but I'll tell you something..." "I'll tell you something about crime, Laura." "Um, there's gotta be a good expression, there, somewhere." " Crime." " Doesn't pay?" "No, that's not good." "Oh, okay." "Anyway, is Da-da in?" "I was up in the woods, I was up in New Hampshire." "I was riding around on my mountain bike, 'cause I'm still on my health kick." "And I get this thing in my head that I wanna go see a moose." "So I'm riding around on my bike," "I turn a corner, and there's a moose, like, right there, right in my face, and I'm going," ""Ahh, moose!"" "I turned into, like, an eight-year-old girl." ""Ooh, moose, moose!"" "And the moose is looking at me, like, "Yeah, I'm a moose."" "What's the problem?" "We'll get through this, buddy, relax."" "And you always remember this, they go," ""If you're out in the woods and you see a moose, don't panic, because they are more afraid of you than you are of them."" "All right, I've got two things to say about that." "(A), you don't know how afraid I am." " And (2)..." " (B)..." "How do I know I don't run into the moose that has snapped?" "That he has just lost it, not a minute and a half before I come dopety-doping along, he's going to his buddies," ""All right, that's it." "If I see one more human, I'm eating him."" "You know, I just try..." "I used to answer the phone at my house when I was a kid," ""Hello?" "Hello?"" "And my father would say to me," ""Don't answer the phone that way." "Don't, it could be the office calling."" "And I thought," ""What does it matter if the office is calling?"" "Well... "It's not good," my father would say to me." "And so I'd say to him," ""What are they going to fire you?"" "Next day he goes in, "Gene, we're letting you go."" "Anyone who lets their son answer the phone as goofy as your son does, they shouldn't be working here."" "So, Jeff, what do you think the problem is?" "No matter how much weight I lose," " I'm still gonna have a huge head." " True." "You should see how people react when I go to the movies." "I go to the movies and the guy behind me will go," ""What's this?" "Oh, god."" "And I think, "What, should I deflate it, sir?"" ""Should I deflate my head, would you..." "My wife brought a pump with us."" "You know what the music means, Jeff?" "It means that you're a very unsettling therapist." "I am?" "Yeah, to have parting music playing." "Well, that's... you know..." "All right, play that music again." "See, now I was expecting it," "I'm enjoying it and I'm leaving." " Bye, you've been..." "you've been good." " Yeah." "I really appreciated you." "Thank you." "You're welcome." " Bye." " Bye." "So I'm going out this door right here." "That's right." "That's..." "I'm heading out." "'Cause you told me you were looking forward to next time." "All right, bye." "Bye."