"Hello." "I'm sorry." "I had to go, okay?" "Because I have to introduce the ten stories." "I told you this before." "We'll talk about this when you get home, all right?" "I'm late enough as it is." "Ten commandments, ten stories, all right?" "You knew what you were getting into" "When you married me." "This is what I do." "Hello?" "Unbelievable." "Hi, I'm Jeff Reigert." "Okay, good." "So I've got the ten commandments over there," "And I'm gonna give you ten stories." "Each one of them correlates to one of the commandments." "So let's get right into it." "Sorry I was late, by the way." "Long story short, my wife" "You know, I'm not gonna go into this." "All right, long story short," "My wife and I were at Bed Bath and Beyond." "We'd agreed to go in beforehand" "Because she wanted to buy a hand blender and leave." "I mean, we weren't gonna make a big day shopping, because" "You know what?" "I'm not gonna get into this." "This is just gonna get me really upset." "And besides, you didn't- you didn't come here" "To listen to my shit, all right?" "I came here to give you these ten stories," "And we're already running a little bit late," "So why don't we just do it to it, right?" "Let's get this party started." "Story number one." "Okay, is it on?" "Hey, everybody, it's me, Stephen," "Logging my first-ever solo jump!" "are you nervous?" "Nah, are you joking, Kelly?" "I'm more nervous about us getting married." "Bring it on!" "aw, you're nervous!" "Wow!" "Look at how high up we are!" "It's like that line from the movie titanic." ""I want you to draw me like one of your French girls," ""wearing this," "Wearing only this. "" "Okay, let's do it to it." "Let's get this party started." "Whoo!" "Uh, excuse me." "Forgot his chute." "please tell me you're goofing." "No, I don't goof." "Oh, god!" "Stephen!" "Stephen!" "Stephen, oh, my god!" "Are you okay?" "Oh, god!" "Are you okay?" "No, not really." "his vitals are all okay." "But his body is so deeply embedded into the ground" "That any movement at all" "Would kill him." "Well, what am I supposed to do?" "I mean, just" "Just leave my fiance here in the ground?" "Yes." "But other than that, I suggest that you both try" "To go about your normal routine." "Okay?" "We good?" "Stay out of the sun." "Ooh, you know what would be fun for us, hon?" "There's a jazz show coming to town tomorrow," "And we could" "Never mind." "Sorry, what'd you say?" "Nothing." "I said, "how's it going, babe?"" "Awful," "Fucking awful." "Okay, we're live in 30 seconds, Louis." "How are the wedding plans coming, by the way?" "Good." "Yeah, we were gonna get married" "At my parents' beach house in-in Bar Harbor" "Oh, god, I love Bar Harbor." "I know." "It's so nice." "But now it looks like it's gonna be happening here." "Uh-huh." "Yeah, he'll be, you know, there," "And I'll be" "I promised myself I wouldn't cry." "Shh, shh, shh." "No, no, no." "It's okay." "It's okay." "God, you smell good." "Is that coffee breath?" "Okay, in five, four..." "Tell me later." "Three, two" "Thanks, Jim." "I'm here in a field outside of Holmesdale," "Where Stephen Montgomery has been stuck here" "In the ground for the past two months." "I'm sure you're aware" "That you've become quite a sensation," "A hero of sorts." "You have any words of wisdom" "For your growing group of fans?" "No, not really." "He's a man of few words but many followers," "Whether it be the kids that line up day and night" "To catch a glimpse of him" "Or 12-year-old Dorothy Sheen," "Whose Halloween costume this year" "Is just a little bit underground." "I'm Stephen Montgomery." "If you move me, I'll die." "Even Governor Hutchins was catching Montgomery fever." "We're gonna do to unemployment" "What Stephen Montgomery did to his body." "We're gonna bury it in the ground" "And make sure it doesn't move." "I'm gonna give it to you straight, kid," "Because that's my style." "You're not funny." "Your act is stale." "You will never make it in this town." "Now, get out of my office." "How do people like that get in here?" "She said she had an appointment." "It won't happen again." "Better not." "Sir, Stephen Montgomery on line one." "Stephen," "Fielding Barnes." "I want to make you a TV star." "What do you say?" "Don't you knock, Fred?" "I would, but if I knock like everybody else," "How would you know it's me?" "Where's Stephen?" "Right here where he always is." "hey, Stephen." "I got two tickets to the world series." "You want to go?" "No, not really." "Why not?" "Because I can't move, Fred." "And if I did, I'd most likely die." "we're all dying to know, does your character ever get it on with Carol?" "Look, I don't want to give too much away here." "But I will say this:" "Probably not, for obvious reasons." "Two years ago, I didn't have a chance in this industry." "When the Montgomery show hit," "Every agent in town called me." "The world just kind of takes you on a ride." "You just sit back." "I mean, I have to." "Can't really move." "I just started to use this instrument right here." "I'm a trailblazer, biatch." "I don't even want to think what my torso could do." "I think it's pretty safe to say I'm the Marlon Brando of heads." "America loves my shit, dog." "Stephen Montgomery:" "Hero, superstar," "God." "This just in:" "Tragedy strikes in Texas as a group of teens" "Intentionally jumps out of a plane without parachutes." "Obviously a copycat incident," "They were imitating the man they worshipped as a god," "Stephen Montgomery." "Details and reaction at 11:00." "turn that shit off!" "Stephen, what is going on here?" "Who are all these people?" "Kelly, it's not what you think." "How's it going, baby?" "Kelly, wait a second." "Kelly, wait!" "Wait!" "Ah!" "I can't move!" "Damn it, I can't move!" "Oh!" "Ahh!" "I think I'm allergic to shrimp." "Louis!" "Louis." "Kelly?" "I have no one to turn to." "Shh." "Look, it's okay." "Listen to me." "I'm gonna take care of you now." "Really?" "Sure." "Come on." "okay, going up in five..." "Look out." "Four, three..." "What does a monkey at the zoo" "Have in common with a fig newton?" "Nothing, right?" "Think again." "They're both sometimes brown." "Stephen, I have bad news." "The show's cancelled." "The ratings have been slipping," "And your offscreen antics in the tabloids" "Haven't been helping." "I thought she was 18." "Doesn't matter, Stephen." "She was your niece." "I thought she was once removed." "Doesn't matter, Stephen." "You had sex with her." "I thought I was fingering her." "It feels the same to her." "Don't you get it, Stephen?" "Well, then, shit, fielding." "Get me another jo-what have you got lined up for me?" "I've got nothing, Stephen." "Let's face it." "The majority of jobs are for actors" "Who can get off the floor without dying." "I" " Stephen, I don't make the rules." "That's the climate of the marketplace these days." "I" " I-I got to get this." "I got-hello!" "Johnny Frankel," "My favorite client, who's stuck in an elevator." "What's up, man?" "But listen, you got to decide quickly," "Because at the end of the day," "Let's not jerk each other off here." "You're not going to be stuck on that elevator forever." "You know that." "What happened to Stephen Montgomery?" "For the past three years," "Stephen has stayed out of the limelight," "Choosing a quiet life" "Stuck in the ground- always." "I used to like him," "And now I hate him." "Wow." "Thank you so much, Louis." "And that's all the news for tonight." "I'm Bream Benson." "And I'm Jim Stansel." "Good night." "See how that works?" "That was the first one, and now we have nine more," "The total being ten." "And you know what ten is." "Ten is." "Tennis?" "Tennis, anyone?" "It's like I can't even reserve a court" "Unless it's a holiday weekend." "Anyway, let's do the second story, shall we?" "No, no, don't help me or anything." "Oh, I-I didn't know you were here." "Of course you didn't." "God forbid you notice anybody but yourself." "Gretchen" "Jeff, don't test me today, okay?" "You will lose." "Did you see that?" "Am I crazy?" "I didn't know she was here." "God, she's getting to the point where, literally," "There isn't a thing that I can do that's" "We used to talk about how we'd never fight like that." "We used to laugh at those people." "I would break a blood vessel, I would laugh so hard." "You know how they say laughter's the best medicine?" "No, I would need medicine" "To put on my broken blood vessel." "That's how hard I was laughing." "It was a topical ointment." "I don't remember what it was called." "It's been so many years" "Since I laughed so hard and broke a blood vessel" "That I would even need the ointment." "I'm sorry." "I don't mean to burden you with this" "Oxydine Three." "Oxydine Three, that's what- that was what" "The name of the ointment." "Anyway, let's get back to our ten stories." "Here we go with number two," "The duck, the deuce," "Number two." "Poop." "Hola." "Como esta?" "Estoy bien." "Hola." "Como esta?" "Estoy bien." "Te quiero, mi amor." "Brushing up on your spanish?" "Yes." "Wait a minute." "Si." "Ooh, that was very good." "Sounds just like my nanny." "Gracias." "Mm-mm, that wasn't as good." "You had me at "si,"" "But then you lost me at "gracias. "" "Anyway, I want you to meet Tony." "He's gonna be filling in for you" "While you're in Mejico all summer." "Very good, Oliver." "You used the native pronunciation," "Which includes the "x" having an "h" sound." "Mejico." "See how much fun we have together, Gloria?" "When are you gonna get over yourself" "And go out with me already?" "I wish I felt that way, but I don't." "Well, you can't blame a gal for trying every day" "For five years." "At any rate, I want you to meet Tony," "Your temporary replacement." "Hey, how's it going?" "Oh, didn't see you there." "Oh." "Hello." "Sorry, is that better?" "Much." "Yeah." "Well, the filing system is over here." "I've written down the instructions" "For the voice mail here." "And if you need anything, you can call me" "Gloria, relax." "Take your vacation." "Go wild." "Have fun." "Tony can handle things." "Right, Tony?" "Yup." "Maybe you're right." "Gracias." "I" "Yes?" "I want to" "Yes?" "I want to..." "Fuck your tits." "Yes?" "No, no." "I don't think that's what you're trying to say." "One moment." "One-one moment." "guerita, guerita," "Try these." "Very juicy." "Gracias." "Hey, senorita!" "Tres pesos for the mango!" "Gloria." "Gracias, Alfonzo, but..." "Yo estoy tired" "From el air-o plane-o." "Mm." "Gloria," "This is Jesus." "Nice to meet you." "Encantado." "Oh, Jesus." "No, no, no." "Gloria..." "Yeah, si, Pero..." "Okay." "Wow." "Hey, hey!" "and this we pray to you, our Lord and Savior," "Jesus Christ." "Oh, Oliver." "Yes, Oliver." "Oh, yeah." "Oh, Jesus." "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "Who the hell is this Jesus guy?" "Nobody, Oliver." "Don't overreact." "I'm not overreacting." "I mean, how would you like it" "If I yelled out Patricia's name" "In the middle of sex?" "Nine..." "Ten." "Sorry about that." "I'm a bit of a health fiend." "Since when do you exercise?" "What are you talking about?" "I found this downstairs." "I thought I'd give my pecs a little juice." "Give your pecs a little juice?" "What?" "Juicing my pecs." "I don't know." "Something you're not telling me about the pec juice." "W- w-what do you think, Gretchen?" "I'm screwing around on you?" "Oh, wait, no." "Let me guess." "I met some girl at a coffee shop," "And we made jokes about the little cardboard things" "You put over a cup so you don't burn your hands," "And then we went out to my car, and I screwed her twice?" "I wasn't saying that at all." "Well, then can I" "Oh, please, do your thing." "Jeez, you hear that, guys?" "Questioning my pec juice." "My pec juice." "Sorry, I didn't mean to get off track." "Where" "Oh, yeah, that's right." "Here's the third story." "Scalpel." "Scalpel." "forceps." "Forceps." "Gesundheit." "Thank you." "Grover Shepherd scissors." "Okay, sew her up." "Good work, Dr. Richie." "Thanks, Nancy." "Ooh!" "Oh, it hurts!" "Oh!" "Every time I move!" "You're gonna be okay." "Hey, hey, hey, sounds like there's a cougar in here." "How we doing today?" "Thank god you're here, Dr. Richie." "She's been in horrible pain like this since the operation." "yeah." "Yeah, yeah." "Oh, yeah, I'm sure she has been." "Here, come take a look." "Okay." "See this?" "This is Sheila one hour post-op." "And it's my educated guess" "That the sharp cutting blades" "Of the Grover Shepherd medical scissors" "Is what's causing most of the pain." "You left a pair of scissors inside of my wife?" "Yes, that's correct." "How can you make a mistake like that?" "Oh, no, no, no, no, no." "No, it wasn't a mistake." "I did it as a goof." "You goofed?" "No, no, no." "Relax." "As a goof." "I did it as a goof." "I" " I-I don't get it." "Well, clearly, you just don't know me." "I goof a lot." "My friends know" "That at least half the time," "I am goofing." "The thing is," "You need to understand my sense of humor." "I think that's it." "Nancy, you were here" "When I was operating on this woman." "I dropped the scissors in her belly." "Why did I do that?" "If I remember correctly, you did it as a goof." "Satisfied?" "Is there anything else" "Listen, you son of a bitch." "I want you to get that thing out of my wife's stomach now!" "Sheila?" "Baby?" "Oh, she's dead." "What?" "Wait, is this a goof?" "Is this" "No, she's dead." "Do you still want me" "To take the scissors out- mm, probably not." "You murdered my wife!" "Hey, guy, as a goof," "Guy, as a goof." "You know what?" "You're bad vibes." "I got to blow." "Man, it's not rocket science." "So let me get this straight." "You're saying you dropped a surgical instrument" "Into Mrs. Contiella's body knowingly and deliberately." "I have been an exemplary surgeon" "For the last 20 years, a good citizen," "A father, a family man," "A husband." "Did you deliberately put the scissors into Mrs. Contiella's body?" "I would never, under any circumstances," "Do anything to harm a patient unless I was doing it as a goof." "Did you put the scissors in?" "I am a practicing physician, sir." "Did you put the scissors in?" "For the last 20 years" "Did you put the scissors in?" "I am not gonna entertain" "Did you put the scissors in?" "As a goddamn goof!" "Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury," "I like a goof as much as the next guy." "Hell, in college, me and my polack roommate" "Once duct-taped this oriental guy" "To the inside of the trunk of my Corvette." "So I get a goof." "But there is a goof," "And then there is murder." "Objection." "Sustained." "Overruled." "Goofing." "It's just" "It's one of the many examples of" "I have heard enough." "I hereby sentence you to life in prison" "For the murder of Sheila Contiella." "Uh, Your Honor." "Don't we get a say in this?" "Sure." "You want to go through the whole rigmarole?" "Be my guest." "court is back in session." "Please rise for the Honorable Sophia R. Jackson." "Have you reached a verdict?" "We have, Your Honor." "We, The Jury," "Find the defendant" "Guilty" "Of murder in the first degree." "Uh, not to be a dick about this," "But didn't I say that about three hours ago?" "But you insisted on going in there and" "But, your honor, that's how the judicial system works." "Oh, is that how the judicial system works?" "Please, please, tell her honor more" "About how it all works." "I would really like to know." "So the verdict is, as I said before," "Life in prison for Dr. Richie." "Is this a goof?" "I don't think so." "If I could, I'd sentence all 12 of you" "To death by my foot up your ass." "Fucking assholes." "Thank you, your honor." "Uh," "You," "You're disbarred." "Me?" "Why?" "What am I gonna do?" "I hear they're hiring tour guides" "At the nuclear power plant." "That could work, I suppose." "The hours have got to be better than this." "You've been very sweet during all this." "Thank you." "From now on, you Big Buster's wife." "Oh, no, no, no, no, no." "I'm- I'm already taken," "So you're probably gonna have to find somebody else." "You'd better shut the fuck up and start sucking my dick." "I'm goofing." "Oh." "Yeah, okay." "Very good." "Okay." "No, I'm not." "Do it." "Mm!" "Are you sure your wife is gonna be gone all day?" "Oh, yeah." "Yeah, she's disassembling the basketball court" "And putting in an ice rink." "Plus, half her crew didn't show up," "So she won't be home for hours; trust me." "Oh, I don't know." "I mean" "Well, what's the alternative?" "We go to your place?" "Your roommate's a modern-day Gloria Steinem." "I'll be making love with you," "And she'll be in the room next door" "Having a bra-burning session." "What's so terrible about women's lib?" "You know, I think they make some really good points." "Don't get me wrong." "I'm all for equal pay." "But there are some differences beyond just the plumbing." "Do I want you on the front lines?" "I don't think so." "The Russians will come in with their guns a-blazin'," "And you guys will be out powdering your boobs." "You know I get so hot when you talk politics." "So when you gonna break up with Gretchen?" "Soon." "Soon." "But you've made promises to me!" "I" " I know." "Liz, it's complicated." "You have to be patient." "I know." "I" "I'll tell Gretchen this week." "Here's the next story." "Mm." "I'm getting excited." "Can you feel me?" "There you go." "Ahh!" "There you go." "There you go." "Oh, you did it." "Is it a boy or a girl?" "Let me put it this way:" "the first one's a boy." "And here comes boy number two." "oh, My God!" "Oh!" "Are there any more in there, vagina?" "I love it!" "Oh." "They're my little guys." "Oh, I am gonna love you till the day I die." "Now that Dad's gone and we're grown up," "We think it's time for you to tell us the truth." "About what?" "About the fact that you and Dad are white" "And we're black." "Ah, right." "Yeah, I had a feeling this day would come." "The year before you were born," "I was the entertainment reporter for the local newspaper." "And I had an opportunity to interview all the big stars:" "Denzel Washington, Morgan Freeman," "Sidney Poitier, everybody." "And even though I was married to your father" "And very, very much in love with him," "From time to time, after the interviews," "These stars would..." "Fuck me." "Mom, cut to the chase." "Did you have sex with these guys or not?" "Well, as I said" "Who's our biological father?" "So one night after an interview," "I took the opportunity" "To fuck Arnold Schwarzenegger." "And?" "Do you need me to spell it out for you?" "Yes." "Yes." "I..." "F- u-c-k-e-d..." "A- r-n-o-I-d" "S- c-h" "Mom- let her finish." "W- a-r-e-n..." "E- g-g..." "E- r." "So you're saying Arnold Schwarzenegger's" "Our biological father?" "Yes." "It's why you're both so tall." "I always told everyone" "It was because you got too much sun." "But how can you be sure it's" "I'm positive." "He was the only man I was with during that time." "And I took the blood test to prove it." "How does that explain the dark color of our skin?" "I know." "I know." "Believe me, I know." "Boys, since our conversation," "I've been thinking about it a lot." "And I've decided it's best" "For you to meet your real father." "Really?" "Yes." "So without further ado," "You knew "he'd be back,"" "And here is" "The man, the machine, your dad," "The incomparable Arnold Schwarzenegger." "hello, my sons." "I'm Arnold." "So thrilled to finally meet my two boys." "It will be fantastic." "Do you want to go around throw outside the ball," "Something like this?" "Mom, that's not Arnold Schwarzenegger." "Arnold, could you wait in the living room" "For just a second?" "Of course." "I'll be back." "Look, I tried to get in touch with Arnold," "But he's a major politician now," "And I couldn't even get past the receptionist." "That guy" "Does corporate events as Arnold," "So I thought at least it would give you an idea" "Of what it'd be like to have him around." "Okay, mom." "Thanks." "We'll try to make it work." "That's my beautiful boys." "I'm back." "Oh, hey..." "Dad." "Son." "Oh, here we go." "Get him!" "Get him!" "I'm gonna get you!" "Oh, good one." "Okay." "You split right." "Split left." "Fantastic!" "Okay, here we go." "Oh, dear." "I know this time for you two" "Must have been very difficult" "On so many levels." "One, your father passing away" "Not more than a week ago" "At the young age of 42," "Finally succumbing," "After a courageous battle with liver cancer." "Two, the revelation" "That your real biological father" "Is none other than international-movie-megastar" "Turned-California-Governor." "You know who he is, Arnold Schwarzenegger." "And three," "Having me, Marc Jacobson," "Second-rate stand-up comedian" "Doing 24-hour-day impression of Arnold" "In the effort to make you comfor-tay-ble-comfortable." "Com-for-table?" "And four, the ongoing confusion over the fact" "That you have two white biological parents" "And yet you yourselves" "Are quite obviously dark-skinned African-American boys." "Must be hard." "That really sums it up." "You know, you don't always have to do the Arnold voice" "If you don't want to." "Listen, to be honest with you," "Sometimes it's easier for me to express my true feelings" "While doing this impersonation." "There are things" "That Arnold Schwarzenegger can say" "That Marc Jacobson can't." "Or won't." "Come on, race you back to the house!" "I let you win on purpose." "You know I let you win." "Oh, look at my boys all sweaty." "Mom, was the real Arnold Schwarzenegger" "As nice as this one?" "Well, I haven't thought about that night in years." "But if I remember..." "Oh, my god." "You're gonna hate me for this." "I made a little boo-boo." "It wasn't Arnold Schwarzenegger." "It was Arsenio Hall." "well, that explains a lot." "So good to finally know the real truth." "What about the blood test you were talking about?" "They were for Arsenio Hall." "Oh." "So where does that leave me?" "Well, can you do Arsenio?" "No." "I can do Eddie Murphy." "A while back, I used to do" "A pretty good Eddie Murphy." "That's fine." "Same difference." "Yeah?" "Okay." "Oh, yeah." "I got some ice cream." "You cannot have none, 'cause you on welfare." "I'm Gumby, damn it." "Psych!" "Psych!" "Remember?" "Yeah." "I got the ice cream." "Yeah." "You may think our family's a little different," "But you know what?" "It's our family, and that's what counts." "Who's to say who your father is?" "Is it the person who raised you?" "Is it the person who gave you your DNA?" "Or maybe it's the guy who hangs out in your house" "Doing an imitation of a famous comedian" "Who is the same race as another famous comedian" "Who is your biological father." "If you ask us, it's the last one:" "The guy who hangs out at your house" "Doing an imitation of a famous comedian" "Who's the same race as another famous comedian" "Who is your biological father." "I'm Greg Jaffe." "And I'm Taye Jaffe." "and we are the Jaffe brothers." "Good night, folks." "Gretchen is a terrific wife," "But Liz- she makes me feel young" "And vital and vibrant, visceral." "And the sex- Abe, the sex." "Yeah, but is it worth it, Jeff?" "I mean, is it worth throwing away 12 years of marriage" "For a momentary thrill?" "Monogamy is a myth." "It's a myth." "No, monogamy is what keeps society from crumbling." "That's absolutely not true." "We are biochemically engineered to spread our seed." "And the moment you embrace that truth," "The happier you will be." "I'm happy with Betsy." "He's not." "You're not." "You convinced yourself you are," "But you're not." "I really am." "I mean, is it great 24 hours a day?" "No, but I, you know, sleep a lot" "To shield out the pain." "If I can get my milk" "For free," "You can be damn sure" "I'm gonna start fucking cows." "That's easy for you to say." "Literally, I'm literally" "You've never been married." "I have kids." "I'm so serious, it's not even funny." "They're the ones that keep me from slitting my wrists" "When I wake up in the morning." "You are living in a fantasy world." "Okay, maybe so," "But I take a pill, and I feel better." "Oh, I don't know who to believe." "Abe or Scotty?" "Scotty or Abe?" "I do know this:" "we've got ten stories." "And I'm not gonna let you down." "I promise you that." "son of a bitch." "Paul went and bought himself a CAT Scan Machine." "a CAT Scan Machine?" "Like a hospital CAT Scan Machine?" "Why would he do that?" "That seems ridiculous." "Probably wants to be a hero." "You know what?" "We're gonna get a CAT Scan Machine." "Honey, you wouldn't know the first thing" "About what to do with a CAT scan." "We'll figure it out." "If I can set up the VCR," "I can set up a CAT Scan Machine." "I set up the VCR." "Ray!" "I didn't mean it." "I'm sorry, Jakey." "You know Daddy loves you, right?" "I did set up the VCR, though." "Ray!" "I didn't mean it." "I'm sorry, Jakey." "You know Daddy loves you, right?" "I love you too, Daddy." "Ray!" "What?" "Unbelievable." "He bought a CAT scan." "What's the big deal, dad?" "Paul!" "Oh, my god, Kalen." "I'm so sorry." "Daddy didn't mean it." "Nice and easy." "Watch the curb." "Right up there." "Right upstairs." "Son of a bitch!" "I got to get another one." "Jesus Christ, that sneaky son of a bitch." "Come on, Ray." "Don't be ridic-oh!" "I'm sorry, honey." "I didn't see you there." "don't look at him." "Don't talk to him." "Get in the car." "wh-why?" "What is this about?" "this is why." "I don't want to talk to you anymore." "I'm done with you." "Oh!" "Son of a bitch!" "Hey." "You look like shit." "So do you." "Yeah, I" "Right." "Let me ask you something." "Do you give the guys that deliver your CAT scan a tip?" "I usually throw them five bucks" "So they can grab some lunch." "Five bucks?" "Where do you get lunch for five bucks?" "McDownald's." "Boorger king." "Woondy's." "I love it." "Little changes to the names" "Of the most famous fast-food chains." "That's right." "I really do love it, ray." "Thanks." "This is the radioactive core" "Where the nuclear power comes from" "So you can all plug in your pac-man machines." "Doesn't it look like it's getting too hot in there?" "No, no, no." "Don't you worry." "We have a perfect safety record here." "We know what we're doing." "attention." "This is not a drill." "It's happening." "It's happening!" "No, no, no, no, no, no!" "There are 75 kids out there" "Who may have been exposed" "To dangerous levels of radiation!" "What the hell are we gonna do?" "They're at risk unless we can get" "All of them tested within the next hour." "Impossible." "Where are we gonna find CAT Scan Machines" "For every kid within a ten-mile radius?" "I have an idea!" "What is it, son?" "We don't have much time!" "Okay, it's a reality show." "We get ten homeless people," "And America votes on which one gets a penthouse apartment." "What's the hook?" "What's the hook?" "Is there a host, a celebrity panel?" "I don't know!" "It's just a seed of an idea." "I haven't really thought it out yet." "All right, there's something to that," "But we're gonna have to talk about it later" "When I can really focus." "Wait a second!" "Doesn't your dad" "Have a whole bunch of CAT Scan Machines?" "Oh, come on!" "Come on!" "Come on!" "There's nobody here!" "What about your house?" "No, there's no one here either!" "I don't have my key!" "It's nice to take a break from that CAT Scan mishigas," "Get out of the house." "You said it, neighbor." "Salut." "Clink!" "open the door." "Open the door." "The kids are just" "They're just throwing up and" "another beer, gentlemen?" "Yeah, I'll take one." "I'll take two." "You son of a bitch." "This guy." "Come on!" "Don't you die on me," "Not now, not like this." "We have a breaking news story." "75 children either dead or dying" "Of radiation poisoning" "As a result of an accident at a nuclear power plant." "Their lives would have been spared" "If they'd been able to get access" "To either of two houses on Grover Avenue," "Each of which reportedly contains" "Dozens of lifesaving CAT Scan Machines" "Collected for unknown reasons" "By their homeowners, adjacent neighbors" "Who are inexplicably nowhere to be found." "Among the many casualties" "Was nuclear power plant tour guide" "And former criminal prosecutor Barge Michaelson." "The details are sketchy right now," "But we'll keep you updated live as the story develops." "I'm gonna probably head home." "It's late." "Check." "you've been screwing her for a year?" "It's over." "Get out." "Gretchen." "Get the fuck out of here!" "I'm done with your- your lies and your apologies" "And your fucking stone tablets." "Well, where am i supposed to go?" "You can go to hell for all I care." "Go move in with your little home wrecker." "She's not a home wrecker." "She's an avid film buff." "You know that." "She also considers herself a bit of a shutterbug" "And a prestidigitator." "You know what, Gretchen?" "You know what you can do?" "Don't say something you're gonna regret." "Go..." "I'm warning you, Jeff." "Fly..." "Don't you say it!" "Go fly a kite, Gretchen." "Go fly a kite." "You didn't." "You did not." "You motherfucker!" "okay, okay, something to talk about." "Speaking of something to talk about, today's weather:" "Sunny, mild, warm, a little cooler tonight." "Ladies might want to put on a shawl." "Let's get back to continuous music." "What's up, brother?" "Hey." "I don't think we've met." "I'm Duane." "Just transferred from Leavenworth." "Oh, hi." "Pleasure." "Glenn Richie." "Oh, yeah." "You're the doctor that killed one of his patients, right?" "Well, it was a goof." "yeah." "Sure, it was a goof." "I get it." "Oh, well, I'm glad somebody finally does." "Oy." "Hey, Glenn," "I haven't been on the outside in such a long time." "Any new good sushi joints open up, or" "Oh, well" "Oh, were you around when Noshi Sushi opened up?" "No, is it good?" "Oh, are you kidding me?" "These guys got a softshell crab roll." "It is better than a tuna roll." "Come on." "No, I'm telling you." "They got a softshell crab roll better than a tuna roll." "Wow." "So if you ever get out" "Well, I'm in for life without parole, so..." "Well, if, for whatever reason, you do get out" "There won't be a reason." "But we don't get sushi in here, huh?" "Oh, I wish we did." "I'm a sushi fiend." "Are you kidding?" "I'm addicted to it." "I'm addicted to it." "hey, Paco." "I'm open." "Whatever." "Sorry." "So?" "Hey, um, Glenn," "Would you mind sitting and spotting me" "While I do some reps?" "Oh, wow, Duane, that sounds really nice," "But I don't think it's such a great idea." "I'm kind of with Big Buster." "He-he rapes me every night." "Right, right." "He ass-rapes you, huh?" "Yep." "Wow, just my luck." "Should have known you'd be taken." "But we can just do one set, huh?" "You know what?" "What the hell, right?" "It's just two people enjoying each other's company," "Juicing their pecs." "Yeah, come on." "No harm in that." "Right?" "I could always use a spotter." "Who can't?" "I mean, I think safety first, even in here." "there you go." "Three more, Duane?" "Feel the burn." "Feel the burn." "Feel the burn, Duane." "Oh, oh." "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "Break it up." "That was interesting." "I'd say." "Yikes." "Hey, listen," "I know your ass belongs to Big Buster," "And I totally- totally respect that," "But you and I, we think so much alike." "You know, like that time that guy got stabbed." "And I said, "that was interesting,"" "And you said, "I'd say. "" "Then you said, "yikes. " yikes." "Those are the kind of moment I'm talking about." "Sometimes I wonder" "What it would be like if I were the one" "Who were ass-raping you every night." "You know, I think you're feeling" "The energy of our friendship," "And you're projecting it" "Into something else that isn't there." "No, Glenn, I'm not" "I'm not projecting." "I can't look at you" "Without fantasizing" "About shoving you up against a wall" "In the laundry room" "And punching you in the mouth" "And then raping you" "Without your consent, of course." "Hey, that's what makes it rape, right?" "That's what makes it rape." "Look, Duane." "I hear you." "But?" "But I-I can't just shift gears." "It's not that simple." "I think I'm done working out." "Duane, don't be that guy" "No." "Glenn, I can't." "I got nothing left." "See you around." "Duane." "what the fuck do you think you're doing?" "Ahh!" "okay, Doctor." "It's that time of the night." "Buster, we need to talk." "Oh, no." "No, don't tell me." "Duane-wow." "I thought this would be easier." "Duane Rosenblum wants me to be his bitch," "And I'm not sure I don't want to not" "Not be his bitch." "Tell me this is a goof." "No, not this time." "You and I have been going through the motions lately." "We both know that." "At this point, we're more cell mates than anything else." "I knew this day would come." "Glenn, listen to me." "You have to do what you have to do." "As long as you're getting ass-raped" "Against your will by someone, anyone," "Every night," "Then that's all that matters." "Really?" "Nothing." "Go on." "Get out of here." "Go on!" "Hey, you busy?" "No." "I was gonna fold this piece of paper for a while," "But I can do that later." "What's up?" "Well, I just talked to big buster, and..." "Looks like I'm back on the market." "Glenn." "This is wonderful!" "You know what this means, don't you?" "Yes." "I do." "ow, ow, ow, ow." "What's the matter, you baby?" "The King's a beggar." "Now the play is done." "All is well ended if this suit be won." "That you express content, which we will pay" "With strife to please you, day exceeding day." "Ours be your patience then" "And yours our parts." "Your gentle hands lend us and take our hearts." "All's well that ends well." "fucking baby." "Lights out!" "Hi, honey bunny, boozie, boozie," "Boozie pumpkin butt!" "Mwah!" "Have you been drinking?" "No, just a little tequila." "Oh, I know this bouncer at Club Stingo," "And I think we should really go tonight." "I had an idea." "How about you and I, we stay in." "We can read from that book of Kierkegaard" "That I bought you." "No." "Don't be such a pooper." "I want to go out." "I want to party 24-7, baby." "Whoo!" "You still love me, don't you, Daddy?" "I mean, you don't regret" "Leaving Gretchen for me, do you?" "Of-of course not." "Yay!" "Will you buy me a pony?" "Oh, man." "I don't know." "I" "Hey!" "Table for two?" "yes, please." "Right here." "Have fun, you guys." "Thanks." "Thank you." "Hey!" "Table for two?" "Louis, you may be the host" "Of the La Fonda list on channel three..." "And you may be Kelly," "The former girlfriend of Stephen Montgomery," "That guy who's still stuck in the ground..." "But tonight, we are the two happiest newlyweds" "In the entire world," "And I couldn't love you more." "ladies and gentlemen," "Please welcome Harlan Swallow" "And his better half, Gary." "well, thank you." "Howdy, folks." "I'm Harlan Swallow." "And I'm Gary, and I quit." "Gary - hang on tight." "I have your hand up my ass." "Oh, somebody's a cheap date." "Gary, leave the nice lady alone." "Fuck you." "What's your name there, honey?" "Me?" "Of course I'm talking to you." "I'm not talking to your boyfriend." "My name's Kelly." "Kelly, ooh." "Gary." "Shh." "Hey, Kelly, why don't you meet me after the show," "And I'll show you my hard wooden dick." "Oh, my god!" "This guy is so offensive." "He's not funny at all." "Shh!" "I want to hear what Gary's gonna say next." "Hey, asshole, when do I get paid" "So I can blow this juke joint?" "He said "juke joint. "" "Oh, my god." "I think he was kidding about you coming backstage." "I think it was just part of the act." "Louis, can you shut up for one second?" "Honey, I just think it's our honeymoon." "I would love to get some champagne" "And go back to the room." "Ew, Louis." "Please." "I just ate a turkey burger." "Oh, hey, folks." "Hi." "We loved the show." "Oh, thanks." "Can I talk to Gary?" "Um..." "Sure." "Okay." "God damn it." "Hey, there, baby cakes." "Glad you liked the show." "Why don't you get rid of the deadweight" "So we can really talk, huh?" "Are you gonna show me your hard wooden dick" "Like you said you would?" "Yeah, I-I got to go home now." "Well, wait." "What about you, Gary?" "You want to come out with us?" "Honey, I think" "I will smack you in the face." "What do you say, Gary?" "Want to throw back a few?" "He's a little tired." "We're gonna say good night now." "Oh, are you two homo?" "Okay, no, I'm not gay." "I date women." "And Gary isn't gay, because he's a wooden puppet" "That I ordered from a company" "In Chicago, okay?" "Good night." "Kelly, let's" "Come on." "Sweetie, it's over." "Let's just" "You know, I was really hoping to lose my virginity tonight." "Yeah, well, I got to go for a walk." "Oh, really?" "Because I could come..." "With you." "Just come with you." "Hi, there." "Oh, god," "I've been thinking about you all night." "I even rubbed one out in the bathroom" "When my husband was buying condoms." "I wouldn't make you wear one, though." "Come on, Gary." "Let's blow this juke joint." "You're being coy, aren't you?" "Hi." "room, please?" "So you say the last time you saw this guy" "Was about 11:00 p." "M.?" "That's right." "Got it." "All right." "I think you should call the cops." "Oh, come on." "stop it!" "Stop it!" "Stop it!" "Stop it!" "We should probably call the cops." "Wait." "I don't love you anymore, Louis." "I'm sorry." "I thought I did, but I don't." "I haven't been happy in a long time." "We're still doing the same old jokes." "I don't even know what's funny anymore." "Yes, you were there for me" "When my fiance was embedded in the ground" "Still is." "And still is." "You say you want a girlfriend." "When was the last time you had a date?" "Rebecca, the hostess," "She is dying to go out with you." "How many signals do you need?" "So our marriage is over?" "It's okay." "Maybe you're right." "I know I'm right, buddy." "I think I should get in touch with my sister." "I'm sure she'd love to hear from you." "God, this so crazy." "I've never felt so alive." "Jeff, wha-what are you doing here?" "Gretchen." "Hey, I-I was in the neighborhood." "I thought I'd come by and take a shit." "You know, it's not really a good time." "Why don't you come by tomorrow?" "Can I come in just for five minutes?" "Tomorrow, I might not need to shit." "Gretchen, who's at the door?" "Oh, Jeff," "You know newsman Jim Stansel." "So are you and Jim" "Yeah, yeah." "Yeah." "How's-how's Liz?" "Good, good." "We're looking for a new pony, actually." "Oh, a pony can be delightful." "Listen, Jeff." "Like I said, this is really not a good time" "For you to take a shit." "No worries." "It's good to see you, Gretchen." "You look great." "You always look great." "You look tired." "Are you taking your fish oil?" "Gretchen, god damn it." "Could I talk to you for five seconds" "Without you hammering me about my goddamn fish oil?" "Fine!" "Ruin your fucking skin." "I'm getting my Omega 3 fatty acids, okay?" "I'm just not taking it in the form of fish oil." "This is why." "Yeah, this is why." "Have a good life, Jeff." "You too, Gretchen." "You too." "Here's the, uh" "Hey, new guy's awake." "What a night." "My head is throbbing." "I'm definitely gonna need some more heroin." "I know what you need, kid." "You need a lying Rhino." "Looks just like the regular shit." "Why do you call it "lying Rhino?"" "That's a good question." "And there is a story, my friend." "The lying Rhino truly existed- and he was a liar." "hold on a second." "Before he was a liar, he was living" "On the lower east side of New York City." "no, no." "The story starts way before he moved to New York." "are you gonna tell the story, or am I?" "tell the story." "Who's stopping you?" "the first lying Rhino story" "Was how he dropped out of high school." "Now he's working as a locksmith in Washington, D.C." "Suffice it to say, he wasn't the greatest locksmith." "he was terrible." "primarily because he didn't have any fingers." "You want your fucking door open?" "Here." "You'll pay for that, Rhino!" "so that's why they call this the lying Rhino?" "oh, no, no, there's more to the story." "A few years later," "The Rhino was working as a street hustler." "Give me a second, huh?" "I don't have all night." "Does that thing work or what?" "Stop talking to me and let me concentrate." "You know what?" "Forget it." "Forget it." "Forget this." "God, what is with people?" "this guy couldn't keep a job." "Then one night, he gets a gig" "Playing piano in a poolside jazz band." "Take it, Rhino." "And two, three, four." "You're fired!" "What?" "'cause I feel passion for this?" "oh!" "you see that bee over there?" "Yeah." "You know what I heard?" "He's a card-carrying member" "Of the organization for white racial purity." "Yeah, he's a white supremist." "Yeah?" "I shit you not." "Hey, guess what I hear about the bee." "I hear he's a white supremist." "I heard what you been saying." "Oh, my wing!" "Hey!" "Ow." "the Rhino finally found something he was good at:" "Spreading lies." "Hey, I hear she sucked some guy's balls" "At her bachelorette party." "Oh!" "Did you hear about mama owl?" "She's on meds for her busted cervix." "I'd stay away" "From saint Geraldine's nursery school." "Word is the principal there likes to fuck all the kids." "Rhino was on top of the world." "Hey, Rhino, baby, give me some dirt." "Yo, Rhino, what's up?" "I heard you got some new moves." "Uh, I was wondering if you had anything" "You'd like to tell me." "but it wasn't long" "Before everyone caught on to his lies." "Get out of here, Rhino." "Hey, talk to somebody who cares." "Liar, liar." "Get the fuck out of here!" "Hey, Darrell, my man." "Did you hear what happened to the lizard?" "Did you hear what happened to your face?" "Ow!" "Oh!" "Oof!" "Splat!" "so one day, he's out collecting VHS tapes," "And he hears something:" "Weiner dogs, evil weiner dogs." "And they're all secretly infecting themselves" "With a deadly sexually transmitted disease." "And they're planning to start an orgy" "And infect the whole town." "so the Rhino wants to warn everybody." "Wait a minute." "Why don't these weiner dogs die from the deadly disease?" "They're immune to it." "Everybody, do not have sex with the weiner dogs." "They're planning a deadly weiner dog sex orgy." "Come on." "You never tell the truth." "You always lie." "Why should we believe you?" "Hey, hey, hey, everybody." "Let's have sex with each other." "Hmm, I don't know." "Who you gonna believe, Rhino or weiner dog?" "so what happened to him?" "he moved back to Portland, lost a lot of weight," "Started wearing these terrible short shorts," "And eventually started dealing heroin." "Thanks, man." "so why do you call the stuff "lying Rhino?"" "Because he delivers it here" "Every day." "Gentlemen." "Rhino!" "Later on, my friends." "That's the Rhino?" "this is the place." "Not much to look at." "What you see is what you get." "Well, what do you expect for $850 a month," "The inner" "What you see is what you get." "Well, what do you expect for $850 a month," "The International Space Station Mir out there" "Over there in outer space?" "I'll take it, Mr. " "Dalton, Timothy Dalton." "Like 007, right?" "That's right." "Here's the keys." "Hey." "No." "Come on." "Sorry." "how have you been?" "We talked at the same time." "How's Liz doing?" "Oh, we broke up." "She was too young." "How's Jim Stansel?" "No, it didn't work out." "His penis was too big." "I mean, it was great for a while." "I mean, god, it was so great." "Sometimes I just think about him" "And I-I have a little orgasm." "Oh." "Let me see." "No." "Oh, wait." "Yup, there we go." "But, you know, it didn't work out." "Anyway, where are you living?" "Uh, I got this new place." "It's an empty black void with the stone tablets." "Right." "Right." "Good to see you haven't changed." "Gretchen, I never got the chance to apologize" "About the whole "go fly a kite" thing." "It was way out-of-bounds." "No one should ever say that to you," "Not after what happened with you" "And the kite and your brother." "Thank you." "Would you maybe want to grab a cup of coffee?" "Oh, I'd love to, but after Liz and I broke up," "I got married," "And I don't want to make the same mistake twice." "You know, adultery." "Oh, who are you married to?" "Dianne Wiest." "It's great." "Wow." "I loved her in bullets over Broadway." "Oh, yeah, she's really proud of that one." "And the Oscar didn't hurt either." "Plus, the residual checks come in handy." "It's like, "thanks, Woody," you know?" "Right." "It was good to see you." "You too." "Yeah." "Oh, Gretchen, I love you so much." "I want you back." "Yes-oh, no." "What about Dianne Wiest?" "Oh, fuck me." "I'm gonna call her and tell her it's over." "Dianne." "Hey, how are you?" "What's that?" "160 bucks?" "Wow." "It's more like Hannah and her dollars." "I know." "Terrible joke." "Look, I've got some bad news." "I ran into my ex-wife, Gretchen, and" "Well, how do I put this?" "Oh, Dianne." "I'm so sorry." "Really?" "Oh, I- Dianne, you're great." "We gave it a good run." "So I'll have my lawyer send over the papers, okay?" "Uh-huh." "All right." "I will." "All right." "Got to go." "Yeah, okay." "All right." "Okay." "Yeah, got to go." "Dianne, I have to go." "Okay." "All right." "Bye." "We're good." "Oh!" ""if not now, when?" ""if not me, who?" "If not here, where?"" "let's go, Oliver." "We're gonna be late for church." "The kids are already in the car." "Oh, god, Gloria." "I'm really sick." "I think I might have a touch of food poisoning." "You should just go ahead without me." "Okay." "Get some rest." "Okay." "You deserve an MTV Moon Man Award" "For that performance." "Three hours to do anything I want." "Huh." "Well, I guess I could if I wanted." "Completely naked?" "Totally nude, my friend." "The whole time they were at church?" "All morning." "Most intriguing, Oliver." "So why don't you come by this Sunday?" "We can be naked together." "What am I supposed to tell Jeanie?" "Make up an excuse." "Already got mine lined up for this week." "What is it?" "Bulimia." "Nice." "So is this a gay thing?" "No." "No, man." "I'm straight as an arrow." "I mean, sure, I blew a few sailors in the '80s," "But that was the '80s." "I mean, I still can't for the life of me" "Figure out how to solve that Rubik's cube." "No, this is just a couple straight guys" "Skipping church to hang out naked." "I don't know, Oliver." "It's not really my cup of tea." "Cut to "ding-dong!"" "I mean, actually, it would be" "Hey, man." "Whoa." "Glad you changed your mind." "You are really naked." "I mean, you weren't kidding." "Yeah." "And there's your penis," "And I guess those are your balls," "And I'm gonna guess your ass is around the back there." "That's exactly right." "Why don't you come on in, take off your clothes?" "Okay." "Musky smell." "Those are my natural pheromes." "Hey, man, I got to tell you," "I thought this was gonna be pretty good." "But this is pretty good." "It's pretty good, right?" "You know, I got all these CDs over here." "You want to listen to something?" "You got any Roberta Flack?" "Are you kidding me?" "I'm a Flack freak." "What do you want to listen to?" "Killing me softly?" "That's a little Flack 101." "Why don't we go a little deeper?" "How about this?" "Greatest hits, track two." "I dig her silky vocals." "Yeah, and the jazzy rhythm guitar" "And light percussion that wafts throughout." "Oof." "Fluid sounds." "Urbane." "Mm, contemporary flavor." "Holds a degree from Howard University." "That was just" "That was great." "Yeah." "Yeah, had a great time." "Well, why don't you come back next Sunday?" "I don't know." "I mean, I might feel a little guilty" "If I keep missing church." "Marty, god doesn't necessarily want us" "To go to church every Sunday." "Keeping the sabbath might just mean" "Taking a weekly break from our normal life" "And celebrating his great creation." "And what greater manifestation of his creation is there" "Than the body human?" "For my money, it's just as holy for us to come over here" "And swing our balls around" "And pump up the Roberta Flack." "You know what?" "You make a great point." "I do have one question, though." "How many other guys should I invite?" "hey, I just took a dump" "And didn't have to pull my pants down." "Or up, right?" "Correctamundo." "Hey, who invited Henry Winkler?" "eh." "Oh, great." "A room full of Fonzie's." "That's the last thing I need." "I like the Roberta Flack." "How long has that been going on?" "As far as I know, Flack's been de rigueur" "Since day one." "Wait a minute." "Hold the phone." "I knew it was popular, but de rigueur?" "and then you get to side three, comfortably numb," "And then he doesn't even have his anger anymore." "Then he's completely within his own mind," "Behind his own wall." "Yeah?" "Oliver, governor Hutchins here." "Church ended early today," "And your wife is on her way home." "Let's go!" "Jesus shit." "Fuck!" "They're here." "They're here!" "What do we do?" "Hi, dad." "How's your gangrene?" "Much better." "Oliver, is something going on here?" "No." "Why?" "You're acting strange," "And I want to know what's going on." "Honey, we made an oath in front of god." "And you deserve to hear the truth." "Fellas." "Every Sunday morning," "Dozens of men come over here and get naked." "I see." "And we never want to go to church again." "What do you think about that?" "I'll tell you what I think." "If you ever" "Have a naked party in my home again" "On a Sunday," "You can kiss my black ass good-bye." "Wait a minute, Gloria." "Hear me out." "That's the lord's way." "Touche." "I got a trunk butt ass!" "So what does it all mean?" "tell us!" "Put your arms around each other!" "Everybody kissing" "And everybody hugging, now, come on!" "that's the Lord's way." "how does he defecate?" "I don't know." "What a bunch of fucking assholes." "Damn." "Subtitles Extracted By LeapinLar"