"Ooh." "Now I've got Park Place and Boardwalk." "This game's just like life." "I am the richest ofall." "Jackie, I've got $970 here." "It's all yours ifyou'll just go away!" "Relax, Forman." "It's better than having Laurie down here." "[ Scoffs ] She's like a big, cancerous tumor." "And Jackie, you know, she's like a tiny, benign cyst." "Thankyou, Hyde." "Here." "Buyyourself a hotel." "Why areyou giving him money?" "." "I'm the one in jail." "Plus, Hyde punched me in the arm." "Why can't we start over?" "." " Because" " Ay!" "And don't try tipping over the board again either." "Next time we go hiking, make sureyou bring a blanket." "I think I have a twig in my shorts." "What a coincidence." "So does Kelso." "Burn!" "Okay." "Okay." "Nice burn." "Hi,Jackie." "Oh, look." "It's Michael and his community chest." "Nice." "So, Michael, when you come over for dinner tonight..." " don't wear that stupid unicorn tie." " [ Gasps ]" "Oh, I'm sorry,Jackie." "Was that a gift?" "." "Oh, yeah?" "." "Well, were those shoes a gift?" "." "'Cause they're ugly." "What areyou even doing here anyways?" "." "[ Mocking ] Shouldn'tyou be off playing with ribbons and ponies?" "." "Well, shouldn'tyou be off..." "being a bitch?" "." "Ooh, I made the little girl say a bad word." "Seeyou tonight." "Whoops." "Hangin'out" "Downthestreet" "Thesameoldthing" "Wedidlastweek" "Nota thingto do" "Buttalktoyou" "We'reallallright" "Hello, Wisconsin!" "Laurie makes me so mad." "I just wanna rip out her hair, show it to her and hope it doesn't grow back." "I hate her." "Jackie, that's what she wants." "She feeds on your anger, man." "It only makes her stronger." "Well, then what am I supposed to do?" "." "Ifyou reallywant to get under her skin, you have to be Zen." "Zen?" "." "Okay, you can't just make up words, Hyde." "No, man." "Zen." "At peace." "Aloof." "Zen." "Oh." "Okay, then." "Hyde, will you teach me how to be Zen?" "." "You can't just teach someone to be Zen,Jackie." "You can only learn to be Zen." "Okay." "I don't understand." "Exactly." "And that's your first lesson." "Huh?" "." "Jackie, ifyou wanna be my student, you need to follow my instructions without question." "Okay." "Okay." "See?" "." "I can do that." "Okay." "First thing... finish polishing my boots." " Okay, Hyde, how's that gonna help me" " What?" "." "Okay." "You'll make a fine student." "Shine, grasshopper, shine." "Kelso, man, you're not seriously coming to dinner tonight, areyou?" "." "Why shouldn't I?" "." "You know,Jackie broke up with me, and I needed a girlfriend... and Laurie's it." "Plus, I need to eat, so I'm coming to dinner." "God, Kelso." "You're lame and you're sad." "But ifyou go to dinnerwith Red, you're gonna getyourjust deserts." "I don't really carewhat they serve." "I just wanna be there for Laurie, you know?" "." "Hope it's pie." "Oh, Kelso." "It's gonna be so bad." " Can I come to dinner tonight?" "." " No." "Look, Red loves Laurie, right?" "." "And Laurie likes me." "Therefore, Red has to like me." "I mean, what fatherwouldn't like the guy who's nailing his daughter?" "." "Oh, Laurie, you can't bring Michael to dinner." "Areyou out ofyour mind?" "." "Mom, I'm an adult, and this is my choice." "No, ifyou were really an adult, you'd try to meet someone with a future... instead of Michael, who, bless his heart... is probably gonna end up ripping tickets at the Tilt-A-Whirl." "Well, he could invent something." " Yeah, I guess I'm lazy." " Uh-huh." "And, Laurie, haveyou given any thought as to whatyou're gonna say toyour father... when he finds out?" "." ""He's my boyfriend, Daddy, and we love each other... and you can't stop us from being together!"" "What do you think?" "." "Laurie, I absolutely forbid you to bring that boy to dinner." "[ Cries Out ] Sometimes I hate you!" "Well, that is just too bad because I loveyou." "Because I have to." " Whatever!" " No." "More aloofness." "Whatever." "I'm not believing you." "Hyde, when are we going to move on?" "." "I have been saying "whatever" for half an hour." "You can sayvery much by saying very little, small grasshopper." "Pretend you're Laurie and insult me." "[ Clears Throat ]" " Okay." " [ Clears Throat ]" "Hey, hi." "You're stupid." " Whatever." " Wow." "That was great." "Yeah." "Now, another part ofthis is ambiguity." "Say it with me." "[ Together] Ambiguity." "Very good." "See, you don't want people to know exactlywhatyou mean." "Here." "Ask me ifl want to go to a movie tonight." "Okay." "Hi, would you like to go to a movie tonight?" "." "That's cool." "See, you don't know ifl mean, "That's cool." "I'll go." or "That's cool." "No, thanks."" " And that's cool?" "." " Whatever." "Oh, my God!" "I am so sorry I got impatient." "That's cool." "Hey, guys." "So,Jackie, Eric won't invite me to dinner tonight... so doyou wanna, like, go to the mall or something?" "." "That's cool." "Wait." "What doyou mean?" "." "Oh, my God!" "Itworked!" "I mean, whatever." " Hey, guys." "Sorry I'm late." " [ Red, Kitty] What?" "." "You guys started eating without me?" "." "That is so rude." "I'm just kidding." " [ Laughing ] - [ Forced Laugh ]" "Well, Eric, you must've forgotten to mention you invited Michael to dinner tonight." "Oh, right." "Yeah, I guess I did." "Oh, and there are my chocolates." "The chocolates that I asked you to bring over to me." "Ooh, Fanny Farmer." "[ Whispering ] My favorite." "No." "No." "See, those are for Laurie." "Kelso, what the hell areyou doing here?" "Dad!" "Uh, nougat?" "." "Don't worry, Red." "I got something foryou too." "Huh?" "." " Five beers?" "." " Uh, yeah." "They were all out of six-packs." "Weird, huh?" "." "Let me helpyou out with that there, Red." " Areyou taking a beer?" "." " Hey, focus, man." "He's dating your daughter." "Laurie, what's going on?" "." "He's my boyfriend, Daddy." "And he loves me." "And... he's good to me." "And we're... happy together." "Kelso, you have five seconds... to get as far away from me as possible." "But, Red, what about our unspoken bond?" "." "One." "Two." "I'll call you." "[DoorSlams Shut]" "[ Can Pops Open ]" "Beer, Red?" "." "  [Soft Rock] - [ Laughing ] And the rest of dinner... was eaten in complete silence." "The only sound was the dull throbbing ofthat vein in Red's giant, shiny head." "Boy, I'm glad I'm not Kelso." "Sure he's had sex a lot and I am still a virgin... but" " I wish I was Kelso." "No, you don't, Fez." "Being Kelso is like knowing the truth behind all the deception in society... but not being able to convince any ofyour fellow suburban clones anything's wrong, man." "No, wait." "That's me." "[ Laughing ]" "Man, I just totally forgot why I was laughing." "Isn't that funny?" "." "Okay." "No more for the cheerleader, okay?" "." "Jackie, you seem different." "I don't know ifit's your hair, your outfit, oryour red, puffy eyes." "She's Zen, man." "I've taken her under mywing." "I'm running a dojo of coolness." "Jackie, demonstrate." "[ Muffled ] Oogly-googly." "Oogly." "Yeah." "It's her first day." "Kitty, I don't want our daughter dating that kettlehead." "Well, maybe it's just a phase." "No." "He's been a kettlehead since" "No, no." "I meant Laurie." "This is how it starts, you know." "First they're dating and having fun... and then the next thing you know, they're prying the money to pay for a wedding... from my cold, dead hands." "Oh, honey." "They're not gonna get married." "He'll leave herwhen she gets pregnant." "[ Laughing ]" "Oh." "Okay." "I see Mr. Smiley isn't in town today." "I expected more from her." "What the hell is she doing with some high school kid?" "." "She went to college." " Well, she did flunk out." " [ Sighs ] Oh, Kitty." "I can see how their future is gonna turn out, and it's not good." "[ Computerized Voice ] More mashed potatoes, Red?" "." "Why, thankyou, Servitron 2000." "Well, it's cold." "Damn foreign robots." "Oh, it's so nice to have dinner with the family like this." "Yeah, it's a good thing we found a babysitting droid forthe quintuplets." "So, Michael, how's the job hunt going?" "." "Great." "They had a real short line at the unemployment office... so I got home in time to catch the end of The Space Price Is Right." "You know, times are tough for me and Kelso right now." "You'll help us, won't you, Daddy?" "." "I'll always be there foryou, honey." "I think she means financially, Red." "I know what she means..." "annoying kettlehead." "You're giving us more money, right, dude?" "." " Yes, damn it!" " All right." "All right." "Hey, Laurie, I think it's time for our "nap."" "All right." "That's it!" "I've got to go to Saturn on business for a week." "And when I get back, you better have a job, or it's offto the asteroid mines foryou." "Don't forget your briefcase, Red." "Thankyou, Servitron 2000." "Now-- [ Clears Throat ] Roll back the roof, 'cause I gotta go." "Jet pack, blast off." "Red." "Red." "[ Clears Throat ] That's it." "I'm just gonna tell her that she can't see him anymore." "No, no." "You can't do that, Red." "In fact, the more we fight it, the more she's gonna wanna be with... kettlehead." "[ Clucks Tongue ] At this rate..." "I'm gonna have a heart attack before I even get myjet pack." "You know, I missed you guys." "Yeah, this place just isn't the same when I'm not around." "Oh, hey." "You guys wanna hear a really funny story?" "." "I was just upstairs, and Red was yelling at me aboutyou." "And, uh, then I said, "What areyou doing yelling at me?" "." "Kelso's right downstairs." "In fact, I'll go get him foryou," I said." "Say, that is a funny story." "I don't care." "I'll go talk to Red." "He was really mean to me, and here I'd brought him a five-pack." "So I hope he's ready to apologize." "[ Laughing ] Oh, yeah." "Yeah, that's it." "Ifthere's one thing Red's about, it's forgiveness." "No, he's not." "He's the opposite ofthat." "Oh, wait." "I getyou." "Funny." "Wait, uh-- [ Nervous Chuckle ] Red, can't we leave that open?" "." "Have a seat, Kelso." "You know, I've been thinking a lot aboutyour relationship... with my only daughter." "She's a gem." "Shut up." "Kitty says ifthe two ofyou wanna see each other, there's nothing I can do about it." "But she's wrong, 'cause I could kill ya." "That's a joke, Kelso." "You should laugh when I make a joke." "[ Short Chuckle ] Hey, good one, Red." "See, you're making me think that I should take a personal interest in you... and you don't want that." "Take Eric, for example." "I have a personal interest in him." " Oh, God." " Thereyou go." "Whatyou wanna do here is fly in under my radar... so that ifl never see you and Laurie together... or hearyour name mentioned in the same breath, I might just forget thatyou even exist." " Got it?" "." " Yeah." "Okay, soyou mean if-if me and Laurie" "Oh, now, see?" "." "You just mentioned my daughter's name." "I'm sorry." "Okay." "Uh, if Kelso and your daughter" "No, no, no." "See" " No, that's, uh-- that's not gonna work either." "Well, this is hard, Red." "Yeah, well, you're gonna be here till you get it right, Kelso." "Well, okay, Red, but eventually, my parents are gonna come looking for me." "Yeah, but they're not gonna find you." "Oh, that's anotherjoke." "Come on." "Laugh, Kelso." "[ Crying ]" "Oh, you again." "What happened, did they let out kindergarten early today?" "." "Whatever." "Jackie, don'tyou have a lame comeback saved forjust this very occasion?" "." "That's cool." "Oh, so nowyou're little Miss Cool, huh?" "." "Whatever." "Well, ifyou're really as cool as you thinkyou are... you would've been able to hold on toyour one, true love." "Butyou couldn't could you?" "." "Loser." "Oh, well." "[ Growls ]" " Catfight!" "[ Girls Screaming]" "You guys, stop it!" "Ow!" "You bit me." "Jackie, hit her in the eye!" " [ All ] Oh!" "[Laurie ] Ow, myeye!" "Oh, I know." "We can pourwater on them, and then we can see through their shirts." "Bitch!" "You kicked her ass, man." "Yeah." "Yeah. [ Panting ] Whatever." "Oh, my gosh." "I am so turned on." "I can't believe Laurie bit me." "I hope she didn't give me, like, slut rabies." "Jackie, you're my hero." "You hit her in the eye." "Yeah, but I guess it wasn't veryZen of me, was it, Hyde?" "." "Well, where Zen ends, ass-kicking begins." "That's your final lesson, grasshopper." "Hey, man." "Let's do that thing where we all sit in the circle again." "Oh." "One step ahead ofyou." "The fact thatyou actuallywent into the garage with Red, that's so brave." "Yeah." "I guess we both had to fight for our love, baby." "[Red] I'm coming in the living room now." "[ Exclaims ]" "Well, hi there, kitten." "Hi, Daddy."