"After years Of expensive education" "A car full of books And anticipation" "I am an expert on Shakespeare And that's a hell of a lot" "But the world don't need scholars As much as I thought" "Maybe I'll go traveling For a year" "Finding myself" "Or start a career" "I could work with the poor Though I am hungry for fame" "We all seem so different But we're just the same" "Maybe I'll go to the gym So I don't get fat" "Find things more easy With a tight six-pack" "Who knows the answers?" "Who do you trust?" "I can't even separate Love from lust" "Maybe I'll move back home And pay off my loans" "Working nine to five Answering phones" "Don't make me live For my Friday nights" "Drinking eight pints And getting in fights" "Love ain't the answer Nor is work" "The truth eludes me So much it hurts" "But I'm still having fun And I guess that's the key" "I'm a twenty-something And I'll keep being me" "Oh, Master Jim." "Good Morning, sir." "Yes, well, never mind that, Bayliss." "It's a Code Red, isn't it?" "It is, Sir." "What, what was it?" "Another birthday party?" "It appears so, sir." "Who's this time?" "I believe it was the cat's." "Oh, Jim!" "Wake him up." "Tell him to put as much distance between... where he is and where he is going as he possibly can." "I'll get back into bed and try and stall Mrs. Crocker." "Though God knows how." "Oh, my God." "I hope that's not my head." "It is my head." "And it hates me." "Bayliss, is that you?" "It is indeed, sir." "I remind you that the Duchess of Axminster is coming for breakfast." "The Duchess?" "Breakfast?" "This morning?" "Girls, you gotta go." "Connie?" "You gotta go." "No, I'm Connie." "So am I." "That's a coincidence." "Very pleased to meet you." "It's been fun." "Now go, quickly." "To assist you in your exit, ladies, here is a map of Belgravia." "And a local bus timetable." "Thank you." "I've still got mine from last time." "Thank you." "Late nights parties." "What's it all about, Bayliss?" "In the immediate future, sir... it's all about getting out and clearing up." "Before Mrs. Crocker wakes up." "Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes." "It's this way?" "No, sir." "That way." "That way." "Yes, okay." "Good, good, good." "Mister Bayliss?" "Yes, Master Jim has gone for the record again." "Ladies and gentlemen." "Our very important guests arrive in fifteen minutes." "Observe the room." "You all know your roles in a Code Red." "So assign yourself the job then be upon it." "Like skin upon a chicken." "Good Luck." "Are you sure you wouldn't rather have a lie-in, Eugenia darling?" "A lie-in?" "When the Duchess of Axminister and her son..." "Lord Percy are coming for an interview?" "." "This is the most important day since we came to England." "Don't you remember, silly?" "Oh, Bingley, do calm down." "Your son is miles away." "It's not as if he could have thrown one of his parties." "Even Jim is not that thoughtless." "Go away!" "Come along Bingley, they'll be here in five minutes." "Eugenia, I wouldn't go into the drawing room if I were you." "Things I do for pop." "Why precisely is the Duchess and her son...." "coming to breakfast?" "Yes." "Because we are moving up in the world, darling." "At last my contributions to the Duchess's benevolent fund... for inebriated Cabmen have paid off." "If things go well this morning... we may find ourselves elevated to the peerage." "So you can stick it up your sister's nose?" "That's an extremely vulgar way of putting it." "But yes exactly." "Look at her." "Look at those mean little eyes." "I've got you this time, Nesta." "Really, Bingley, what's the matter with you today?" "I don't want any of your odd actor type behavior... in front of the Duchess." "Remember... if six hundred members of the Royal Family died, she'd be queen." "What are we waiting for, driver?" "Run him over." "Mother, stop living in the past." "You can't kill them anymore." "Just wing him, driver." "Hey, Dad." "Oh, God, please deliver me from this place." "Come on, we've got to get you out of here." "Jim, you know your stepmother hates you having parties." "Come on Dad." "It's just a little innocent fun." "They're all gone now." "Hurry up!" "Hurry up!" "There's a map, this'll have to show you the way out." "Hurry!" "Go." "It's all clear." "Good luck with Eugenia." "I wish you could call me, Mother." "I wish I could, too." "There was a party, wasn't there?" "A party?" "Why would you say that?" "There's a cow wearing a hat in the guest bedroom." "Oh, it wasn't a dream." "We brought you to London, James... with the hope that you might make a new start." "When they fired you from that newspaper in New York...." "No, they didn't fire him." "They just thought he might like it better somewhere else." "They gave him fifteen minutes to leave the building." "Twenty." "Though actually you know..." "they still use my name for the..." "Look, James... I have gained a reputation in London society... and I will not have it jeopardized by your talent for trouble." "Now we're shortly expecting company of the highest quality... so why don't you take a hike, Buster?" "What happened to your hand, Jim?" "Oh, not another fight." "I was at the Embassy club and a guy insulted the virtue of the ladies." "So I had to give him one in the peeper." "Let's hope he's not looking for a re-match." "Don't worry." "The pop I gave this guy, we won't be seeing him again, anytime soon." "You!" "You little oik." "What's that?" "Jim!" "That's the guy." "Very sorry." "I'm really sorry." "Mother!" "That is it!" "This thing has gone too far." "We're going to have to pay my sister a visit." "She's lost control of that boy." "Oh, him." "Piccadilly Jim." "Well, you know how I feel about him." "Oh, phooey." "That was all years ago." "Don't tell me you're still upset... by what he wrote about your silly love poetry?" "Apparently not." "Never ever, talk about my poetry." "I'm a crime writer now." "I got awards." "America's most brutal crime scene." "That's me." "Right." "Anyways, we're all going to have to go over there before lunch." "Oh, no." "Not me." "Uncle Peter and Ogden can tag along." "I'm taking a walk." "Ann." "I've never met Piccadilly Jim and I don't want to start now." "Ogden!" "Peter!" "is Mrs. Crocker at home?" "Tell her, that her sister, Mrs. Pett..." "is over from New York..." "Thanks." "And has come to see her." "To talk about that loathsome Piccadilly Jim." "What about that husband of hers?" "The failed actor?" "Is he here?" "I'm afraid not, madam." "Perhaps Madam would like to wait in the drawing room?" "I say this for the British... they can still train a decent servant." "Mrs. Crocker will be with you in a few minutes." "And if you are ever in New York and you need ajob, look us up." "After this place, it might be fun to see a house that's run properly." "I'll bear it in mind, Madam." "I thought I heard the bell, sir?" "So you did, Bayliss." "So you did." "Will you tell Mrs. Crocker that her sister... is waiting for her in the drawing room?" "It's the disgrace I find amusing." "I'm not used to it." "Disgrace?" "Are you quite well?" "When you talk like this I'm afraid your mind is wandering." "Come, Eugenia... consider your choice of husband and the character of his son." "If only Piccadilly Jim had been raised... in a house like ours in New York." "Like my own darling little Ogden." "Exposed to a constant diet of culture and art." "James' greatest enemy is boredom." "How could anyone in conscience place him under your roof?" "He's used to circles that would make you dizzy." "Oh, dear." "And there was I thinking how much he might like Lord Wisbeach." "Lord Reginald Wisbeach?" "Who is to visit us in America." "He and James could be such friends." "After the young Earl of Chance... I would say that Lord Wizzie Wisbeach was James's best friend." "Then you'll be pleased to hear he is marrying my husband's niece." "He is?" "He is?" "She'll get used to the idea." "And what date is the wedding?" "Oh, not settled?" "What a shame." "If Ogden really wants to break a vase... let me ring for the butler to bring him a hammer." "Careful, mate." "The museum..." "Sorry." "Take care there, man!" "What an insolence!" "Jeez, look out!" "Phew lady, that was close." "What do you say we have a little... drink?" "Maybe you and I could..." "Thanks." "Yeah, you're welcome, sweetheart." "Ann, good." "There you are." "This afternoon we start packing." "We are heading home on the Atlantic tomorrow." "What?" "Wejust got here?" "The perfect time to go." "I've had more then enough of the cooking, the plumbing and Eugenia." "So, did you get to meet the infamous Piccadilly Jim?" "Monsieur Crocker." "Forgive me, there will be no trouble." "We have only just taken delivery of the replacement glass." "No trouble, Jacques." "Mon ami." "No, I am a reformed character." "There hasn't been any trouble for at least a couple of days." "I'll have a soda, if you want." "And could I get a martini?" "She's an angel." "As far as I'm concerned Jim Crocker is a complete and utter louse." "Shejust, shejust said 'Jim Crocker is a louse'." "What's going on?" "How does she know me?" "I've never met her before in my life." "You're hurting my arm." "Sorry." "Jimmy?" "Jim." "It's me, Reggie Wisbeach." "Hello, Jimbo." "Somebody else!" "I'm not Jimbo." "Go over to the bar!" "The bar!" "So mad at that boy I could bite his head of at the neck." "Now Nesta, your quarrel is with Eugenia, not with Jim." "How do you know you'd dislike him?" "You've never even met him." "I've never been to Africa but I knowthat it's hot." "Nesta." "Eugenia." "Aunt." "Aunt Nesta." "No, No." "Please." "No, no!" "I'm not in the mood." "No, no..." "Here we go again." "Hey, they got some guys pants." "How much for your trousers?" "I beg your pardon?" "I want to buy your trousers." "What is so difficult to understand about that?" "Well... what happened to yours?" "Hello, there." "I never thanked you for saving my life." "Does anyone have a light?" "Didn't think you noticed me." "Notice you?" "Are you kidding?" "You know if it wasn't for him I might be a new road mark." "Mister...?" "Bayliss." "I'm Algernon Bayliss." "Hello." "This is Bill." "An old friend, yeah." "Hello, hello, hello!" "Well, very nice to meet you." "You too." "Goodbye." "He forgot his trousers." "What guy hasn't forgotten his trousers one time or another?" "Yeah." "Well, thank you." "Oh, yeah." "If you're around later..." "I'm visiting the Embassy club with some friends." "Do you know it?" "I've heard of it, yeah." "You should come along." "It could be fun." "What is she this time, another blonde?" "Another fireball red-head?" "No, no, no, hear me out." "Dad she's different." "Well, they are always different, Jim." "They always end up the same way, sneaking out the back door." "How is this one different?" "Well, she seems to hate me." "Well that's a good start, anyway." "But the thing is, it's not me." "She hates Jimmy Crocker." "You are Jimmy Crocker." "No, not to her I'm not." "I told her I was Algernon Bayliss." "What?" "Like the butler?" "Yeah, like the butler." "You remember a few minutes ago before you told me this?" "I actually feel nostalgic for that time." "It seems to me like some kind of golden age." "Anyway, I'm meeting her at the Embassy tonight." "Jimmy boy, not the Embassy Club again." "It's not compulsory." "You don't have to go out every night." "Well, maybe not." "But I have to go out this night." "I suppose I can't skip dinner?" "You suppose right." "If you want the girl to like you... you'd better make Bayliss the opposite of Jim." "By the way, have you seen the column this week?" "Listen dad, they still use the name." "They throw a few bucks my way." "But they fired me so quick... I never even read it." "Never mind, even wrote it." "What's the harm?" "What's the harm?" "One, it's printed on both sides of the Atlantic." "Two, they have you out every night ... sleeping with every girl you see and getting into fights." "And there's lots of inaccuracies, too." "Ready to go in there?" "Ready as I'll ever be." "Thank you." "You'll never guess who turned up while you were out." "Can we get the main course?" "My sister." "Nesta?" "Really, my sweet." "Yes, really." "What's the matter with you?" "Have you got a date with a stopwatch?" "No." "But I think I'll cut right to the cheese." "I just hope for her sake, she's got a good plastic surgeon." "Does she need one?" "She will." "Any day now her nose will be completely out ofjoint." "Why?" "Eugenia, what have you done?" "I've bought you a Barony." "We're going to be Lord and Lady Crocker." "When will you understand?" "I don't enjoy football, or cricket or gardening or rain." "I don't care who wins the Grand National... or the Derby." "I am not a monarchist." "And I don't see the point of Boxing Day." "I don't even like the Lake District much." "As soon as the papers come through, we're heading back to New York." "We don't have to stay here?" "Certainly not." "When I'm a Lady, I want to be where l am a novelty." "Awide choice opens before you." "Nesta's belittled me since we were girls." "But now she is going to eat crow... until she chokes on the feathers and spits out the beak." "As for you James... you don't know what you've cost me already to keep this thing on track." "Sorry, would you excuse me?" "It's getting late." "And I'm... lf you are off to a night club, I don't want any more trouble..." "with you and your floozies." "Eugenia, the one guy..." "I'm not going to be tonight is Piccadilly Jim." "And if this girl's a floozie, then I'm Rin-Tin-Tin." "Bingley, I'm serious." "Keep him steady for a few more weeks... and we could be in New York for Christmas." "Well, it's Monday night." "I'm sure it won't be too crazy at the Embassy." "Sometimes I feel I've got to" "Run away I've got to" "Get away from all the pain that You drive into the heart of me" "The love we share seems To go nowhere" "Hey, thanks Tony." "But, no, thanks." "You are going to see a whole new me tonight." "For I toss and turn And I can't sleep at night" "Not tonight, ladies." "God evening, Wizzie Thanks a lot." "And you're not getting Piccadilly Jim, you parasites." "Take my tears and that's not Nearly all, tainted love" "Are you sure he's coming?" "No, hejust said he might." "Let's check out the bar." "Nice clientele, this place." "You knowthis is Piccadilly Jim's favorite club?" "Now you tell me." "Do you think he's here?" "Yeah, it would bejust my luck to run into him." "Mister Bayliss, hi!" "Hi!" "Dance with me, please." "I'm with Percy Whipple who's so drunk... he can't stand and the rest of the group are deadly." "I'm sorry." "I'm already dancing." "Who was that?" "You really don't knowthat girl?" "Do I look like one of these drunken playboys?" "So you don't drink?" "God no, I never touch the stuff." "I hate what drinking does to a man." "You forgot your three martinis." "Three martinis?" "I asked for three glasses of water." "Take my tears and that's not Nearly all" "Tainted love Tainted love" "We're dancing awfully close." "I don't think it's so awful." "What's that perfume?" "Cigarette smoke." "Well, it's certainly habit forming." "Should your hand be there?" "Not that hand." "On what planet is that a better place to move your hand?" "I'm sorry, I... I just can't help myself." "I found myself wanting to... to..." "What, what are you doing?" "I'm just..." "I'm looking for someone who hangs out here." "Yeah?" "Yeah." "Well, what's he look like?" "I don't know, I've never seen him." "But I'll know it when I do." "I mean this guy... he's like a cockroach." "He's like a..." "a womanizer, and a brawler..." "Yeah." "a gambler and a drunk." "What's his name?" "Piccadilly Jim." "Excuse me, can I have this dance?" "Sorry, she's already dancing." "With me." "Yeah, but she's an American, isn't she?" "And they've got this rather good thing... they just say 'Excuse me' and the other fellow has to bugger off." "Well, we're in England now so why don't you bugger off?" "You're thatjumped up little..." "Percy!" "This is Percy Whipple, one of my oldest chums." "Hi!" "Ann!" "All right." "I'm sorry I have to go." "You, rascal you...." "When am I going to see you again?" "You won't." "I'm leaving tomorrow, for New York." "Bye!" "Thanks, Percy." "I happened to like that girl and you just ruined it." "I saw her first." "Anyway, she's just a silly American tart." "What did you say?" "Take my tears And that's not nearly" "Take my tears And that's not nearly" "Take my tears And that's not nearly all" "That really hurt." "Read it." "Dad." "Read it, please." "'Jim floors off in tip-top tussle'." "Oh, Dad." "I couldn't help it." "Don't tell me you never gave anyone a pop for insulting a lady..." "backstage?" "There were no ladies backstage." "If they were ladies, they were in the auditorium." "Well, what difference does it make?" "You don't want a title." "You have more than that, you have your dignity." "That's all right then." "At least I shall have my dignity." "I'm sorry Dad I didn't mean to..." "I'll fix, I'll fix it." "Somehow, I'm..." "I'll fix it..." "I will." "Bayliss." "Good man, good man." "I think I've remembered everything, MasterJim." "But I'm not happy about it." "I'm not happy at all." "Bayliss, you're a life saver." "Now listen." "I want you to look after my father." "Cheer him up if you can." "Maybe you could discuss baseball once in a while." "Baseball?" "You mean rounders, the game children play." "I cannot promise to talk of it with much enthusiasm." "But listen, Bayliss, it's very important that you tell him that..." "Good day, Mister Bayliss." "Good day, Miss." "It's your father." "Of course, how stupid of me." "Ann Chester." "It's nice to meet you." "Hello." "Yes, she's just saying... good-bye, dad." "I just wanted to say before I left... we've been through a lot together, dad." "And I'm sorry to be leaving this way." "But if I don't leave now..." "I'lljust end up ruining things for you again." "You'll remember that." "Won't you?" "When you go home." "And remember this, most of all... I love you, dad." "I love you a whole lot." "I love you too." "Son." "I better go." "Well..." "Maybe see you in the departure lounge, Mister Bayliss?" "Good-bye." "Good-bye." "Hey, watch this pop." "Hey!" "Don't ask, Bayliss." "Don't ask." "Just... wish me luck." "I know. I know." "Tarzan, get off the luggage?" "What are you going to do about it?" "You are on the Atlantic." "Yeah." "I'm on the Atlantic too." "Really?" "Yeah." "Well..." "She's a fabulous boat." "We came over on her." "Yeah." "When you get settled, you should... come up to my cabin." "Yes." "It's too bad you don't have any bad habits." "We could have had us a good time on that old boat." "Hello." "I thought it was you." "Beautiful night." "You don't mind the rain?" "No, don't feel it." "You're really close to your father, aren't you?" "I could tell. I could see the pride in his eyes." "Yeah, well..." "You want to make him proud, don't you?" "So..." "You have to be a paragon of discipline and control." "So you can live the life that he never could." "That's it." "That's it exactly." "Is that it?" "That's it, right." "You got it right there, actually." "I wonder what the future holds in store for you in America?" "I thought I..." "might get ajob." "Oh, yeah." "Working with the poor." "Do some work with the orphans..." "That's very noble." "Or something, I don't know yet" "God, I love that about America." "Don't you love that?" "You can have any kind of adventure that you want." "You like adventure." "Sure." "Adventure." "Excitement... escapades." "What else is there, right?" "Yeah, well, there's love." "Love?" "What's so great about love?" "What's so great about love?" "What, are you kidding?" "Love is everything." "Love blows everything to bits and makes it new again." "It's like a bomb in your heart." "Boom." "Listen, pal, don't get me started about love." "Love is bunk." "It's just an agreement between two people who don't want to eat alone." "What?" "Evening, miss." "Hey, what did you say?" "It's a grift." "What?" "You want to know why we are going back to New York?" "Why?" "Because my aunt wants to marry me off to some rich palooka... in order to rub her sister's face in the mud." "That's your love, buddy." "Boom." "Medieval social engineering." "But you're not going to go through with it?" "No, but who am I waiting for?" "Mister Right?" "Not me, Jack." "Why are you talking like Sam Spade?" "Hey, can I se you in New York?" "I think I'm a little too modern... for your tastes, mister Bayliss." "But don't worry." "There's plenty of nice girls there for you to play with." "But I want to play with you." "We could have some dinner." "I don't do dinner." "What about lunch then?" "I never eat lunch." "Well, we'll go for a walk." "You can walk can't you?" "Or are you too weak from malnutrition?" "I can walk." "Good." "I'll meet you next week, Tuesday... ten o'clock, in Central Park by the zoo." "I'll wait for you there." "You'll be waiting a long time." "Hey, what happened to you?" "Why are you like this?" "It's not what happened to me, mister Bayliss, it's who." "It's a man named Jimmy Crocker, happened to me." "Jimmy, Goddamn, Crocker." "But why?" "What exactly is so wrong with Jimmy Crocker?" "Isn't hejust a guy who's made some mistakes?" "So was Rasputin." "Wow." "She's amazing." "Let's say hello." "Ann, Ann." "This is Lord Wiesbeach, our guest of honor." "Hello." "Good evening." "Will you marry me?" "Wow, he's fast." "He's eager." "That's all." "I told you Lord Wisbeach, softly, softly, catchee monkey." "Ann, your uncle has got the wrong face on." "If I want him to look miserable, I'll tell him." "Thank you." "I don't think Ann wants to marry me." "What's wrong with her?" "Don't worry, there'll be a room in this house until she says yes." "Excellent." "Aunt Nesta says will you please, look as if you are at a party." "All I want to do is sit somewhere and be very, very quiet." "Why isn't that allowed?" "Why do I have to speak to all these people?" "Don't be so grumpy." "There's plenty of nice people in the world." "Well, Pollyanna, sounds to me like you met someone." "What?" "Here in this fruit bowl?" "Give me a break." "No." "Yes." "You never told me you knew James Crocker, Lord Wisbeach." "Didn't I?" "It must have slipped my mind." "Who's talking about Jim Crocker?" "Don't say you know him too, mister Partridge?" "Certainly I do." "We went to school together." "He was a hero when the chemistry lab exploded." "Good heavens." "Why did the chemistry lab explode?" "I don't know, I wasn't even close to the place." "God, all these questions." "I'm getting a drink." "Well, for pity's sake, don't tell Ann, you know." "She thinks Jimmy Crocker is the devil incarnate." "Why?" "Well, one or two years ago... I met someone very... nice, I guess." "Doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, doesn't gamble." "I mean this guy, if he liked funny hats... he could probably be the next Pope." "But... there's something about him." "He wants me to meet him tomorrow." "Well, you know how I'd hate to see you end up with a nice guy." "Go hide." "I'll take care of Nesta." "That man, is he a scientist?" "Yes." "Yes, he is." "He's working in our lab upstairs... on a new substance called Partroglycerine." "Apparently one teaspoon full can blow up a battleship." "And you're not concerned?" "About what?" "An awful lot of people are going to want to get their hands on it." "And they could be anywhere." "I mean, are you sure you know everyone in this room?" "All I'm saying is... anyone of these people could be a beastly foreign spy." "Hey, pops." "Shouldn't you be in your bed?" "Shouldn't you be in your tomb?" "Ogden, I've had just about enough of you tonight." "After a week in London and two Atlantic crossings... do you think I haven't had enough of you?" "There she is." "Where have you been, you naughty girl?" "Come to mama." "There's a good girl." "Don't be silly, this is mommy's friend, Lord Wisbeach." "An English aristocrat." "Stroke her." "She likes you, really." "What the hell are you doing?" "What's it look like?" "Shelling peas." "Are those my slippers?" "Oh, blow it out your ass." "What in heaven's name?" "Ogden, you monster!" "Will you give me my slippers back right now." "And the other one." "No." "Please." "Don't hit me again." "No, no, no, I didn't." "I wasn't." "I didn't. I wasn't." "You bastard!" "You murderer!" "No!" "No!" "Nesta, Nesta!" "My baby!" "My poor baby!" "Did he hurt you?" "I did not. I wouldn't do that" "You brute!" "I knew you'd come." "Did you?" "I didn't." "Thank you." "Have you found any work yet?" "With the orphans?" "No, not yet." "Not yet." "But I'm trying." "Watch out." "Watch out." "What?" "For the puddle." "Watch out." "The puddle?" "You don't want to get dirty." "Don't you ever get sick of being so nice?" "So nicey nice?" "Don't sometimes, you just want to go crazy?" "Come on in, jump." "No, no, no." "No, no, no." "Crazy!" "There are some people who think I'm pretty wild, sister." "Yeah?" "Just ask anyone around here what they think of Picca..." "Piccalee, Piccalay, it's a beautiful day." "Remember when we used to sing that when we were kids?" "Remember that?" "I can't figure you out." "Who are you?" "Jimmy Crocker." "I don't believe it." "What on earth are you doing over here in New York?" "I'm sorry?" "Jimmy, it's me Banjie Singh." "You haven't forgotten the mad Maharajah?" "What's the matter with you?" "You must remember Zizi?" "And Susie?" "Or is she new?" "." "Are you new, darling?" "I'm new, but I still knowJimmy!" "I think there must be some mistake." "My name is Bayliss." "Algernon Bayliss." "Really?" "But you..." "It's extraordinary." "I mean, the likeness it's incredible..." "Well, anyway, I do apologize." "Susie." "Zizi." "What was all that about?" "Crazy guy." "What did he call me?" "Jimmy Crocker." "Jimmy Crocker." "Jimmy Crocker, that sounds familiar." "Yes, it's the man I was talking about." "That night on the boat." "The guy you broke the umbrella over." "Yes." "I don't believe it." "Am I truly like him?" "I don't know." "I've never God damn seen him." "Right, right, right." "But if you did see him..." "What?" "Well, if he was... if he was here." "If he was standing right here." "There?" "Yeah." "What would you do?" "What would I do?" "Hypothetically?" "Hypothetically..." "Yeah, if you did see him." "Well, I guess I would..." "First my hands would be here." "I would be wringing... and wringing and wringing and a twist." "And then its like it's a screwdriver, it's very hot." "And then poking." "I'd poke." "I'd poke and then I get like a hacksaw." "I've got two hacksaws." "And I'm cutting in on this guy." "I'm all over him." "And then I'm like, I look down, I'm like..." "That's a beautiful tree, isn't it?" "Wait a minute." "Wait a minute." "Wait a minute." "Wait a minute." "This can't all be about Jimmy Crocker, can it?" "No." "It's about..." "Uncle Peter, and it's about Ogden and..." "It's just about everything." "Well, won't you tell me?" "I'm a pretty good listener and I'm pretty hard to shock." "He ate it?" "Yeah." "Oh, my god." "Ogden?" "Yeah." "Oh, my God." "And then last night there was Uncle Peter's slippers..." "No, no, no more." "That's enough." "That's enough." "You know what you've got there that's a problem child." "You should send him to one of those summer camps... where they make him break rocks for no reason." "Yeah." "Or send him to the Foreign Legion." "You should kidnap him." "Yeah." "What?" "Nothing. I was kidding." "But you meant that we should kidnap him?" "That's great." "That's great." "Yeah, we kidnap him." "And we send him like to a boot camp." "Okay, not a boot camp but like a reform school." "And you'll help me." "Hold it right there." "I'm not helping anybody kidnap anybody." "Yeah, I forgot." "Mister Responsible doesn't like adventure." "Hey, this isn't adventure, toots." "This is ten to fifteen... with a chain around your ankle and don't bend over in the shower." "Okay." "Fine." "You should be responsible." "It's obviously working for you." "Wait, wait a minute." "Hold on now." "Wait." "How would we do it?" "It would have to be an insidejob." "Right?" "Right." "But how?" "." "How would..." "Just..." "What if Piccadilly Jim was in New York?" "He'd want to visit his family, wouldn't he?" "Okay, okay." "Here's what you do." "Tell Uncle Peter you just got into town... and you get him to ask you home." "Remember... they've never met the real Jimmy Crocker, right?" "And... apparently, the resemblance is uncanny." "Thank heavens for that." "Okay." "Good luck." "Okay." "Try to sound drunk." "And when you walk, stumble a little." "As if you weren't to steady on your feet." "Like this." "Hey, will you get out of the road?" "Like that." "And be rude." "You can't be too rude." "lgnorant and just be a complete scumbag." "Good." "Okay." "Eighty-second floor." "Hello." "Hello." "Where have you been?" "Out." "Yes, thanks for narrowing it down." "Really, Ann, what is the matter with you?" "Anyone would think you were expecting a love letter." "Or a visit from the police." "Nesta?" "Yes, you child beater?" "I have news and I think you'll be pleased with me." "I doubt it." "Guess whojust arrived in New York?" "I have no idea." "Go on guess." "Einstein." "The Marx Brothers." "The corpse of Emile Zola." "Jimmy Crocker." "And he's asking to visit us." "He said Eugenia would be furious when she found out where he was." "And so I've told him to come right up." "What?" "Yeah." "No, no, no." "No, no, no." "Come back, madam." "I entreat you." "I'm sorry, Marcel." "I just don't feel Cubist any longer." "Hey there, cutie pie." "You must be Nesta." "I think I must be Mrs. Pett." "I want you to feel at home here, James." "But things are going to have to change." "I'm afraid Eugenia has been soft with you. I won't be." "She may be all heart, but I am all brain." "Well, with her heart and your brain, what could I be missing?" "A healthy liver." "My niece, Ann Chester." "Of course, you've had dealings with her in the past." "Well, we've never actually met." "You hound!" "Really glad I got that out of my system." "Mister Crocker, have you seen our lovely view?" "." "What are you doing?" "What am I doing?" "You are over-playing it." "Take it down." "Take it down?" "Okay." "Right down." "Small thing, only nothing to worry about. I forgot about Skinner." "Skinner?" "He's your butler." "He's Crocker's butler." "Skinner?" "Skinner." "What do you... I bet you weren't expecting that." "I poached him from right under Eugenia's nose." "You poached him?" "She'll be livid." "You have no idea." "I almost forgot." "You'll be glad to hear Lord Wisbeach is staying with us." "Lord Wisbeach knows Mister Crocker?" "He knows you." "You two know each other." "Know him?" "They're old friends." "Nice rug." "Yeah, isn't it gorgeous." "Yes." "Feel it, it's just so creamy." "What are we going to do?" "I might have to take up drinking." "No. I won't have you go against everything that you believe in." "What about Wisbeach?" "Don't worry about Reggie Wisbeach." "He's as thick as a plank." "What?" "How do you know?" "." "All these guys with the titles the in-breeding goes back centuries." "I wouldn't be surprised if he thinks he knows me." "Here's Lord Wisbeach now." "I believe you know my nephew, James Crocker?" "Don't worry." "Hello, Wizzy." "Jimmy, old man." "You're looking well." "Thank you." "This is a nightmare." "Nobody talk to me." "Ann, are you taking something?" "No, no." "Not yet." "I've only had two hours sleep." "Now we are complete." "Here is little Ogden." "This is Jimmy Crocker, Oggie." "Hello." "I said, nobody talk to me." "Wow." "He's spectacular." "Isn't he?" "And it's so nice to see him in a good mood for a change." "Luncheon is served." "Shall we?" "What are you doing here?" "What am I doing here?" "What are you..." "You're not supposed be..." "Don't, don't tell them who I really am." "I won't if you won't." "Won't what?" "Tell them who I really am." "They know who you are." "That's right, they do." "Don't they?" "She's got me doing it now." "Jim." "Jim, what's going on?" "I'm, I'm ..." "there's two..." "I'm pretending to..." "Wisbeach isn't..." "I don't know." "Mister Crocker." "Hi, I'll be right there." "Just checking..." "That will be half past one, sir." "Thank you." "Little fast." "Remember Al's Bar?" "Just around the corner?" "Oh, yes." "Meet you there at three o'clock." "Mister Crocker doesn't drink." "Excuse me." "I don't think I've ever heard a butler laugh before." "And I don't blame him." "Piccadilly Jim goes on the wagon?" "We must cable The Times at once... to see if we can make the funny pages." "No, no, no, no, that is, I thought... it might be an idea to give it up." "But it was a bad idea." "Fill it up, Skinner." "Cheers!" "Skinner, must remind you of London?" "Oh, yes well, for many years, you know..." "Skinner has been like a father to me, really." "Tell us about the White House, Mister Partridge." "It must be hard to convince them of your claim for the explosive." "Not really. I usually take some along to showthem." "It seems to concentrate their minds." "I have enough in this test tube... to blow half the city to bits." "Wow!" "This is great." "How dare you bring that stuff into this house." "You built me a laboratory." "What did you think I was doing in there?" "How should I know?" "." "Making things bubble?" "At any rate you can take it out of this house right now." "But you always say how you like to be at the center of things." "The center, yes." "Not blown into outer space." "There's no danger." "It can't explode." "Without concussion" "Very well." "Much against my betterjudgment... you may put it in the library safe." "But it goes just as soon as you can make alternative arrangements." "Okay, so what about the kidnap plan?" "The plan?" "I can't even think straight." "Everybody in this house knows Jimmy Crocker." "Yeah, except you." "What?" "Will you marry me?" "Oh, please" "Ann." "Do you mind if I ask you something?" "Shoot." "What's your game?" "My game?" "Come on, spit it out." "You with Ostrovsky?" "Or Helmut Blott?" "Helmut Blott?" "That's it, isn't it?" "You're working for Blott's lot." "I'm not working at all, right now." "Thank God." "Do not take me for a fool, Herr Crocker." "If you mean I know you're not Lord Wisbeach... and all of a sudden you have a German accent... then of course, you are quite correct." "And you are not Jimmy Crocker... or you wouldn't have said you recognized me." "I see your point." "But there is an important difference between us." "Which is?" "I really am Jimmy Crocker." "I am pretending to be someone else who is pretending to be me." "Gott in Himmel." "You seem nervous." "I don't like that butler." "You think he's one of Blott's lot?" "Perhaps." "And who are you by the way?" "Among my people I am known as the Aristocrat." "Why?" "Even if you are the real Crocker... you are here to steal the formula, yeah?" "Will you work with me or not?" "Not." "I am in fact going right now to tell Mrs. Pett... that there is a snake in her Eden, namely you." "And how will you explain to her why you greeted me before lunch... if I am a spy and an imposter now?" "." "So because you are not Lord Wisbeach then I'm not Jimmy Crocker..." "even though I am." "That's it." "That's ridiculous." "Ann?" "Ann?" "I'm in the shower." "Take a seat, I won't be long." "Two, five, right, seven." "Not prime." "is it all straightened out now?" "." "Safe in the safe, so to speak?" "Oh, yes." "There's something I've been meaning to ask you." "When did you last see Jimmy Crocker?" "At lunch." "Can't you see he's changed?" "Not especially." "What about his eyes?" "Don't they seem a little bluer than they were?" "Now you that you mention it, no." "And the mouth. lsn't it a little curlier at the edges?" "What are you saying?" "Only that I am not convinced this Jimmy Crocker is ourJimmy Crocker." "And if he isn't..." "You think he's after.... my invention?" "Oh no." "Oh, no, no, no." ""What's wrong with this girl?" "Doesn't she realize that love is..." "an agreement between 2 people..." -"Who don't want to eat alone."" "Oh, God." "I'm sorry I didn't mean to..." "I'm so sorry." "How could anybody write something so vicious?" "So cruel." "I was young." "I was silly enough to send a copy off to The Clarion for a review." "And my reward was Jimmy Crocker." "Now you know why I hate him so much." "Well, I mean it can't be that bad." "Can I read one?" "Sure." "The girl who wrote those is long gone." ""Little Birdies."" "Little birdies flying around" "Why is it you make that sound?" "Is it because you are Going home for tea?" "Or is it because" "You are so lovely?" "It's terrible, isn't it?" "I think it's beautiful." "I think it's really beautiful." "I don't know." "You, you liar." "Nobody likes my stupid poetry." "Get out." "What?" "It's over." "You're worse then Piccadilly Jim." "What?" "What's the matter with you?" "Did someone mention your poetry?" "Then love" "Love will tear us apart" "What's the matter you?" "I don't think I've ever seen you like this before." "Don't tell me you're smitten?" "I'm as smitten as anyone who has ever been smitten." "But it's hopeless, she hates me." "No, she doesn't hate you, she hates Jimmy Crocker." "I am Jimmy Crocker." "I thought you're Algernon Bayliss." "I am." "She hates him too." "She hates all of us." "Why does she hate Algernon?" "I have no idea." "All I said was I liked her poetry." "The same poetry you savaged?" "I didn't savage it." "Piccadilly Jim did." "Well, her poetry is obviously something she'd like to forget." "There are things in your past I bet you wish you could bury." "Why am I such an idiot about love?" "I mean here's this guy, he's clean and decent and good." "He even likes my stupid poetry." "No one ever said that to me before." "Not even my publisher." "Well, what more do you want?" "I don't know." "I want a guy who's tough and trouble and dangerous to know." "I mean, all that goodness, itjust gets me a little crazy... and then I say the wrong thing and... 'boom'." "Oh, Boom, Shmoom." "He is extremely rich." "He is?" "He may be a touch formal but he does own most of Hertfordshire." "You mean Lord Wisbeach." "Of course." "Who did you mean?" "Oh, no one." "Why, why, why" "Sometimes I wonder if Eugenia didn't marry me..." "to take revenge on her sister." "There's gotta be more to it." "Back in London, amongst all those fancy people... I thought I was just acting a part." "Aren't you acting a part right now?" "." "Lord knows I've played butlers often enough." "Pop, isn't it strange taking orders from your own sister-in-law?" "." "I've taken orders from Eugenia for the past three years... and at least her sister pays me." "I know love is idiotic." "Why bother your head with Mister Nice versus Mister Nasty... when you can have Mister Practical Solution to All Your Problems?" "Yeah, maybe you've got something there." "I mean, who am I waiting for?" "Mister Right?" "So what are you going to do about Ann?" "I'm going to show her how much I love her." "I'm going to kidnap Ogden, single-handed." "Okay." "Just make sure you don't get into any trouble." "Hello." "Banjie, is that you?" "It's Jimmy Crocker." "Ah, Jimmy." "Now, perhaps you can explain to me about all that silly nonsense?" "Hah, I will, Banjie, old boy. I will." "But not right now." "I need a favor." "Well, what is it?" "Money?" "A Woman?" "Or the car?" "It's the car." "And I need it tonight." "Well, you know I haven't had the clutch fixed." "It works, you just have to tap dance a little." "Well, nobody taps like Jimmy." "I knew it." "There's something about that easy smile." "Well, what about Skinner?" "He recognized him at lunch." "There we are. I was right." "Skinner must be in on it, too." "No." "Hi, what's your name?" "Clarice." "Clarice, I'm Jim." "Nice duster." "Would you find Miss Ann and ask her if I could have a word with her?" "It's very important." "Tell her I'll be in the library." "Yes, mister Crocker." "Thank you, Clarice." "Willie, I wonder, would you mind leaving me alone here?" "I'm trying to talk to Ann." "I see." "What's the matter?" "Why don't you tell me?" "Actually, there is something." "This Wisbeach is not the real Lord Wisbeach." "How do you know?" "." "Well, he's just a completely different guy." "Then why did you greet him before lunch?" "Well, that's a good question." "And I can understand why." "What are you doing?" "Trying to see how blue your eyes are." "Okay, listen Willie..." "What are you doing now?" "." "Looking at your mouth's corners." "Well, I'm flattered, buddy." "I am but... you know, it's Ann I want." "All I want is Ann." "So why don't you scram?" "Well." "Secret fire escape door." "All right." "You are sure?" "This is about the Partroglycerine?" "They may in fact want Ogden." "Do people want Ogden?" "Certainly they do." "And it wouldn't be the first kidnap attempt." "I'm told that in the underworld he has acquired a special nickname." "They call him 'the little nugget'." "Indeed." "Perhaps I should hire my usual detective?" "To be safe." "Oh, no." "He won't get in your way." "He could help." "But how will you explain it to the President when Manhattan is missing?" "is that the Sturgess Detective Agency?" "This is Mrs. Pett." "I want someone to keep an eye on things." "No." "Not my usual man, nobody must know he's here." "Not even the servants." "Isn't there someone Oh, God." "Oh, God." "Wow." "Do brains actually explode like that when they're shot at?" "No." "They sort of leak out." "Like dying love." "Hey, how can you write this stuff?" "You've got real talent." "Tell that to Jimmy Crocker." "He drove me to a life of crime." "Listen, Ann." "Mister Bayliss, I think you ought to leave." "You can make your excuses after dinner and go." "How about the plan?" "The plan?" "Kidnapping Ogden?" "Oh, the plan, yeah." "I thought of a different solution." "Uncle Peter is going to come and live with me, after I..." "marry Lord Wisbeach." "What?" "That's not a solution." "That's even worse than Ogden." "Don't you realize he's a fake?" "Just because he isn't like you." "No, I mean he's a real fake." "He isn't Lord Wisbeach at all." "He's here to steal Willie's invention." "How would you know if he's a fake or not?" "You've never even met him before today." "The point is you can't marry him." "Why not?" "Because you've got to marry me." "Mr. Bayliss, if you are not out of this house by tomorrow morning... I will inform the police that you are an imposter." "It's going to have to be tonight, isn't it?" "There's no need." "My mind is made up." "Your mind's made up." "Well, then you unmake it." "Now you listen to me." "If I kidnap Ogden and I put him in a Boot Camp... and I bring him home transformed... and Mister Pett is happy." "And this house is a heaven on earth." "If I do all this, will you marry me?" "I..." "Hey, wait a minute." "Ann." "Ann." "Come here." "Wait a second." "Ann, come here." "Jimmy Crocker." "Some Crocker you are." "I was there when Wisbeach was talking to my mother." "Do you know where boys go who listen to private conversations?" "I don't know." "The witness stand?" "So, who are you with?" "With?" "My guess is Buck McGuinness." "Am I right?" "Or am I right?" "Buck McGuinness!" "Right." "I don't mind Buck, he's a decent guy." "He took me once before... and he would have got away with it, except for a flat tire." "But this time I want my cut." "Fifty-fifty. I ain't greedy." "But fifty-fifty I got to have." "What a commercial age we live in." "Okay, Lady." "Right." "I got an exploding liquid, a suspicious lord... a false nephew, a spying butler and a mad scientist." "That's right." "Anything else you want me to check out?" "Not as far as I know." "What I don't understand is how come you rich folks can't see... that if you gave up your money, they wouldn't take your damn kids." "That's a novel approach to the war on crime." "Mister Bayliss." "What on earth are you doing here?" "The car's ready." "I've got a map, a flashlight and a picnic for Ogden." "And you are telling me this because?" "Because I want you to know that I adore you." "I want you to call the whole thing off and leave immediately." "Alright, I will." "I'll abandon the entire plan... if you tell me you love me." "How could I say that..." "and then marry Lord Wisbeach?" "Exactly." "Go downstairs!" "I thought you wanted me to leave the house?" "I do, but I'll accept the downstairs as a consolation prize." "Mister Bayliss!" "I... I think you should know that you'll be guilty... of criminal abduction in the first degree." "You're crazy." "I'm crazy?" "That is what I said." "I'm crazy, huh?" "You're marrying a Saxon con-man." "With a lisp and a monocle." "We're talking crazy lady, you take the prize." "I don't want the prize." "I want you." "By the way, Mister Partridge..." "I've arranged for your liquid to be lodged... in the safe of a government building tomorrow." "What kind of government building?" "You know, one of those government buildings where they govern." "Well, that's nice of you, Mrs. Pett but...." "You may take it in the morning." "It's been a long day." "Good-night everyone." "Wait for me." "I'lljoin you." "If you must." "What are you doing out here?" "What do you want?" "How do I know you are really working with McGuinness?" "If Buck put this together... he'd have sent someone who is tougher than you." "Of course he has." "He sent a driver." "And is he tough." "Oh, really." "Yeah." "Really." "What do you want?" "I have to talk to you." "Well, can't it wait?" "I have still got the cellar lists to check." "I think we might be running short of Chablis." "Dad." "Dad." "Snap out of it." "Let me remind you, you are only pretending to be a butler." "Oh, yes." "You're right, Skinnner." "Real muscle." "We should all be pouring wine instead of pumping iron." "Well, I'll say good-night." "Just going upstairs." "To my room." "All right, pop, okay." "Hat, coat, car keys." "And don't forget to tap dance the clutch." "You don't mean for me to take him there as well?" "You're McGuiness' driver." "Ogden may be a little suspicious if you don't drive." "I can't do it." "You can't do it?" "Now, dad, as long as I can remember... you've complained that you were always cast as a butler." "Yeah." "Well, here's your chance." "You're going to play the dirtiest." "The meanest heavy you can imagine." "You're Scarface, your Little Caesar." "You're public enemy number one." "It's a challenge." "Rise to it." "What will Eugenia think?" "What's that matter?" "Have you forgot you're hiding from her... in a foreign country under a false name?" "Yeah well, every marriage has good days and bad days." "I love you too." "Good-night, sadist." "With two hacksaws and I'm cutting on this guy." "I'm all over him and then I'm like, I look down on him..." "You've certainly grown since the last time we've grabbed youse." "Too bad about the flat tire." "We could've been in Palm Springs already." "Don't do that, it might go off." "So what?" "I'm at the right end." "Come on, pop." "Where are you?" "Come on, come on, come on." "Now." "Which one are you?" "I'm Chicago Ed." "Take the mask off." "Listen, kid, I'm getting a little tired of this." "So come with me now or go find your own fifty thousand bucks." "Thank God, you made it." "Come here, come here." "Ready?" "I don't know." "I'm getting a bad feeling about this." "Yeah?" "What's the matter, Oggie, got a little guilty conscious?" "What?" "Why don't you fade?" "What?" "Get out of here." "You look great, pop." "Break a leg." "I shall speak to you later." "I love you." "Hey, wait a minute." "Never mind." "It is done my love." "Now we get married or what?" "Well, well..." "Who's that?" "Throw that gun away." "Who are you?" "You got five seconds." "After that I shoot." "I don't think so." "Not when I'm holding this." "Four." "Come, come." "Do you really want to destroy the entire city?" "Three." "Alright." "Alright now, put your hands up." "I said put your hands up." "Well, well, Herr Crocker." "This is your lucky night." "Well, I hope so." "Of course it is not yet over." "It is for you, pal." "Help!" "Help!" "Somebody help!" "Help!" "Shut up!" "I knew something like this would happen." "I was just waiting for it." "Willie..." "Willie, no!" "Willie, let go!" "Get down!" "Over for who, was that?" "That's really loud." "That was the loudest thing I ever heard." "I hope my ear drum isn't perforated." "Oggie!" "Huh!" "What is all this?" "If it comes to that, who are you?" "I hope you won't be offended, Lord Wisbeach." "I engaged a detective to help you." "Thank heavens I did." "Indeed." "To help him?" "Mercifully I was in time." "That's absurd. I can tell you why Mister Crocker was down here." "Ann, you better knowthe truth." "This is not James Crocker." "He's an imposter." "I know." "His name is Algernon Bayliss." "I don't know what he's told you." "But believe me the real reason he is here was to steal the explosive." "Lord Wisbeach suspected all along." "Look, if I took the stuff, why is it in his pocket?" "Go on, search him." "That's ridiculous." "Of course." "Fetch the police... while I check outside to see if he has an accomplice." "Stay right where you are and empty your pockets." "What on earth?" "Why don't you, Mac?" "If there is nothing to hide." "Very well." "Fools." "There is a submarine waiting for me in the East River." "Move!" "If anybody tries to stop me, it'll be their last act in this world." "Yes!" "It's almost there." "Somebody call the police." "What for?" "I don't think he's a tap dancer." "They were trying to kidnap me, mom. I was so scared." "They were trying to take me to Buck McGuiness." "So scared!" "He asked for fifty percent of the profits." "You were kidnapping my son?" "Yes!" "I have no doubt that they were, before he drove us crazy!" "So now do you see where you've brought us?" "Where we are ready to break the lawto control this monster." "I don't believe what I'm hearing." "Then find your faith and listen up." "Before you ruin this boy's future... he's going to go to a good school where he will learn good manners." "You are the real Peter, aren't you?" "The real Peter, your husband and master of this house." "Well, school then, Peter dear." "But let it be a kind and gentle place." "Let there be art and music." "I'll be dammed, let there be daily floggings!" "And no whiskey!" "Hold it, hold it!" "It seems to me you still got some explaining to do." "No wait, wait, wait." "No, his name is Jimmy Crocker." "Oh dear, tell him Algernon." "Tell me that you're not..." "Jimmy Crocker." "It can't be." "Oh yes, yes it can." "You can take it from me." "Why Skinner, why should we take anything from you?" "You come into my house under false pretences to steal my son." "Lord Wisbeach said you weren't a real butler." "I know he wasn't the real Lord Wisbeach... but apart from being a German spy, he made some good points" "No he's right, I'm not a butler." "Then who are you?" "I'm Bingley Crocker." "The husband of..." "Eugenia!" "What's going on?" "When did you arrive?" "The ship was late docking." "I've still only half my luggage." "You can fetch it in the morning, Bingley." "Bingley?" "What are you doing here?" "I thought you were in your study." "Yes." "Do you mind terribly... that I'm the Jimmy Crocker?" "I didn't write the column, you know?" "." "They just use my name." "You're not going to poke me in the eye with a hot screwdriver, are you?" "Jimmy Crocker, the drunk." "Jimmy Crocker, the gambler." "Jimmy Crocker the liar." "I'm afraid I'm not quite the responsible guy you thought I was." "What about that other guy?" "Which guy?" "The guy who cried like a big baby over my stupid love poetry." "Actually that was me." "I meant that." "You haven't got a hacksaw down there, have you?" "That's romance." "Let's get a fewthings straight." "To begin with, we are moving back to New York City." "Well, of course we are." "Next you are going to... what?" "I told you, as soon as you were granted a peerage we'd come home." "I've taken a house three doors down... and I've chosen a title." "I thought Crocker's a little dull." "What?" "What did you just say?" "He's been granted a what?" "A peerage Nesta." "That's right." "You're looking at Lord and Lady Riverside of Riverside Drive." "Peter!" "And now I've been asked to recite a poem." "Composed by the bride herself." "Strife and woe is soon forgot" "And now that we have Tied the knot" "Our thoughts of love We no longer hide" "So husband new You may kiss the bride" "And I'm going to go to baseball regularly." "What would it take to get you made an ambassador?" "I'll get a costing on it tomorrow." "And I'm going to act." "And that's not all." "You are going to come backstage every night and tell me I was..." "Simply marvelous, m'lord." "Yes, thank you Bayliss." "So Jim, if your father's a lord, what does that make you?" "Well, I suppose the honorable Jimmy Crocker." "Hey, mister!" "Jimmy." "Hey, Jimmy!" "Anything to say for this week's Piccadilly Jim column?" "Do you write it?" "Yeah." "That's me." "I'm you." "Is that right?" "Why don't you print this?" "That was nice." "Nice, eh?" "Yeah, I liked that." "You liked that?" "You like this?" "Yeah."