"DOUG:" "Okay." "Two pieces left." "Two pieces left." "Oh, boy." "One piece left." "Okay, let's do the math." "I'm on my third." "He's had two, and this is her second." "Okay, she's out of the game." "She's a two-slicer." "It's between me..." "and the old man." "Technically, he is entitled to it, but I should be okay." "After all, I am the only one counting." "ARTHUR:" "Three slices, and he's eyeing his fourth." "No wonder he's huge." "Well, that one's got my name on it, big man." "DOUG:" "Oh, God." "He made eye contact with the slice." "I gotta throw this one down and grab it." "ARTHUR:" "Oh, so that's your game, is it?" "CARRIE:" "Oh, God." "They're racing for the last piece again." "I'm pretty full..." "But let's have some fun." "♪ My eyes are gettin' weary" "♪ My back is gettin' tight" "♪ I'm sitting here in traffic" "♪ On the Queensborough Bridge Tonight ♪" "♪ But I don't care 'Cause all I want to do ♪" "♪ Is cash my check and drive Right home to you ♪" "♪ 'Cause, baby, all my life" "♪ I will be drivin' home To you ♪" "God, that restaurant was good, wasn't it?" "Yeah, it was." "I hate when those waiters come around, they ask if you want fresh ground pepper." "I always choke, you know?" "It's like, "I can't decide with you standing over me."" "Yeah." "Why can't they just leave the pepper mill on the table?" "Exactly." "They carry it around like it's gold." "I know!" "It's pepper, you know?" "It's like dirt." "Carrie, your place is great." "Yeah." "You might recognize the furniture from a little shop called Ikea." "Ah, yes." "Here you go." "Here's that article you wanted." "Fabulous." "Thank you." "You're welcome." "And also there's a great review of a new steak house that just opened up on Northern Boulevard." "Apparently, they fly their steaks in from Chicago or something." "Yeah, any interest in going Saturday night?" "Hey, anytime meat is flown to me, you caught my attention." "Sounds good." "Abby?" "Uh, yeah, I'll check our book, but I'm 75% sure we can do it." "Okay, great, great." "This is great." "It's great seeing you." "We had a lot of fun." "All right, take it easy, now." "Okay." "Marc and Abby." "You see?" "I told you you'd like them." "You're right." "I'm sorry I fought you." "It's just that you met Abby at yoga class." "Sounded pretty weak." "Yeah, I know, but we were both mocking the instructor." "I had a good feeling." "It worked out great." "I mean, I like Marc, you like Abby." "I even like Abby, you like Marc." "There's crossover appeal." "That never happens." "What are you doing?" "We just had dinner." "Just a late-night once-over." "Oh, look at that." "New package of American cheese slices." "Not taking any." "Just good to know." "It's also good to know that I will be taking a pudding." "You know what I like about Marc and Abby?" "No kids." "Oh, it's a beautiful thing." "I mean Deacon and Kelly are great, but it's always like, oh, they can't get a sitter, this one has an earache, that one swallowed a marble, blah, blah, blah." "Very annoying." "But Marc and Abby?" "No strings." "You know what they are?" "They are our new go-to couple." "Yeah." "It's like we can call them up on a whim... and boom!" "We're on a Lear jet to Monte Carlo with the Shmenkmans." "Honey, their name is not Shmenkman." "It's Shropshire." "Shropshire?" "Shropshire." "Too hard." "I'm sticking with Shmenkman." "[TELEPHONE RINGS]" "Hello." "Oh, hey, Kel." "What's going on?" "Oh, all right." "Hold on a sec." "Deacon and Kelly wanna go out Saturday night." "They got a sitter." "We got the Shmenkmans on Saturday." "Is that definite?" "Well, they said 75%." "Hit the mute." "Okay." "Hit it." "I don't know where it is." "There." "Okay." "I'm gonna test it." "[MAKES FARTING SOUNDS]" "It works." "All right." "So what about Saturday night?" "What are we gonna do?" "Marc and Abby gave us 75%, but if that falls through and we say no to Deac and Kelly, then we got nothing." "All right, so what do we do?" "We gotta hold Deacon and Kelly until we know." "Tell them we're 75% sure we can do it." "Carrie, the Shmenkmans gave us 75%." "We only have 25% to give." "Well, we're not gonna hold Deac and Kelly with 25%." "Cheat it." "Bump it up to 50." "Kel?" "Yeah." "Sorry about that." "I...saw a bird." "Uh, anyway, about Saturday night, um, we're 35% sure we can make it." "Hmm?" "Okay." "Would it help if I said 40?" "Okay, then we'll do it some other time, then." "Would you please give them 50?" "Huh?" "Oh." "Okay, hold on a second." "How about Sunday brunch?" "Oh, yeah, there you go." "We'll do it here." "Yeah, that sounds great, and we'll do it over here." "Hmm?" "Oh, yeah, no." "No, bring them along." "That's fine." "Yeah, okay, mm-hmm." "Okay, bye." "They're bringing the kids." "What was I gonna say?" "Hang on to your hats, people." "I got news." "I was over at that newsstand that has papers from all around the country, and I grabbed myself an Akron Beacon." "Take a gander at this." "What am I supposed to be reacting to?" "It's a coupon for Sergeant Salty's Deep-sea Corn Loops." "And should I be happy or...sad?" "Happy." "It's the greatest breakfast cereal known to man." "When I was a boy, I'd pour myself a big bowl every morning and listen to The Sergeant Salty Radio Hour, where I'd be regaled with the adventures of Sergeant Salty and his trusty sidekick Bugle Dog." "Well, I'm glad you found it, Dad." "Yeah." "I thought they'd stopped making it when it came out that Sergeant Salty kept a small Chinese woman locked in his basement." "[TELEPHONE RINGS]" "Hello." "Oh, hey, Abby." "Oh, you can't make Saturday?" "That's too bad." "What's that?" "Uh, just hang on one second." "Yeah." "Now they want Sunday brunch." "Well, this is a fine mess." "We gotta call Deac and Kelly and try to get Saturday night back." "And say what?" "Our better offer canceled?" "That's like a slap in the face." "You know what?" "Let's just all have Sunday brunch." "Good." "Do that." "Okay." "Abby?" "Yeah, Sunday is great." "We'll do it here at my house." "Some other friends of ours are gonna join us." "Is that cool?" "Okay, great." "We'll see you Sunday at 11:00." "All right." "Bye, sweetie." "Well, that worked out." "Man, people are really into us." "He's one of those guys who leaves incredibly long messages on the machine." "I come home, I gotta go to the bathroom," "I hit the button, it's like," ""Heeeeey..." ""guy..." ""It's Bob!" ""How you doing?" ""Gimme a call back." "I'm at..." "[SPEAKING QUICKLY]" "[BABY CRIES]" "Oh." "Oh, your baby is so adorable." "Both your kids." "Thank you." "Actually, Marc and I have been talking about whether it's time to have one of these little guys ourselves." "KELLY:" "Oh, really?" "Wow." "You should do it." "We think we might." "Really?" "So soon?" "You guys have only been married 2 years." "Haven't had time to enjoy each other yet." "It's true." "Kids really do take over." "We haven't seen a movie in a theater in probably six months." "We have no life." "We're at the movies literally every night." "Yeah." "On the other hand, there's just something about it." "It's like all my priorities changed the day we found out we were having Kirby." "And when they smile at you and call you Daddy," "I'll tell you what, it's the best." "Oh, Marc!" "I know." "Maybe it's time." "You know, having a baby really does ruin your body, though, Abby." "It... it--it never comes back." "Except for you." "Thanks." "Can I hold him?" "Oh, sure." "Watch out, Abby." "That one's a drooler." "Hey there." "Oh, look, Marc." "Hey there." "Hello." "I have very small feet." "Hey, Marc, what's the deal with capers, huh?" "I don't know." "Okay, here's our home phone, my work phone," "Marc's work phone, our e-mail, which is always the best way to reach us, and cell phone." "Oh, great." "Thanks." "All right, guys." "Thanks a lot." "Sure." "You're welcome." "See you tomorrow." "All right." "Bye-bye." "Bye." "Wow." "Work phone, home phone, cell phone, e-mail." "Yeah, they really don't wanna lose touch, do they?" "It's good, though." "You know, now our friends are friends with each other." "It's nice when you can make that happen." "Yeah, absolutely." "Son of a bitch." "They stole the Shmenkmans." "Arthur, got a package for you!" "It's my Deep-sea Corn Loops." "Sweet diggity!" "[RIPPING CARDBOARD]" "Whoa!" "You gotta sign here first." "Oh, I see." "So, that's how you're gonna play it, huh?" "I'm not playing anything." "You gotta sign it." "That's our policy." "Well, you must think I'm a damn fool." "I sign your fancy electric doodad, and you got me." "I'm in your computer," "I'm on your list, and pretty soon, you know what videos I rent, and I'm considered a pervert." "I'm begging you." "All right." "Thanks." ""Schmarther Schmooner."" "Okay." "You beat the system." "Douglas, get some milk and prepare to be delighted." "Oh, okay." "Gotta use your hands, huh?" "You know, you can tilt the box." "That's the way most people go." "Well, I'm not most people." "Mmm." "Mmm." "Oh!" "This is taking me back." "Give it a try." "All right." "They're salty." "And what part of "Sergeant Salty" didn't you understand?" "I understand what "salty" means." "It's just not a great quality in a cereal." "These were beloved by millions." "I don't care." "Cereal shouldn't taste like a Slim Jim." "Sweet diggity." "Are you ignorant." "Hey, hon." "Hey." "Mmm." "What's in the box?" "A life supply of Stinky Loops." "Good, good." "So, listen, I just got off the phone with Kelly, and it's official:" "She and Deacon are going out with the Shmenkmans." "Really?" "Yup." "Dinner this Saturday night." "Ain't that a kick in the chops?" "I knew we shouldn't have let them leave together after the brunch." "We should've kept one couple here." "You're so right." "We had them." "We had them right here." "What happened?" "I'm sure your burping in the middle of brunch didn't help matters." "Whoa." "What just happened here?" "Are you blaming this on me?" "No." "I'm just saying it might be possible that not everyone enjoys a sausagey burp as much as I do, which, p.s., is not that much." "Okay, yeah, yeah." "And you telling them about your deviated septum surgery for 40 minutes, that's really what won them over." "They asked." "Yes, but you know what?" "Here's a nice little phrase you might wanna learn in the future:" "it's called, "long story short."" "Okay." "And here's one for you:" ""No, thanks." "I'm full."" "Wow." "Honey, I'm sorry." "We shouldn't be turning on each other." "This is just such a rough one." "I mean, now we've lost the Shmenkmans and Deacon and Kelly." "Deacon and Kelly, they were solid, you know?" "They weren't flashy, but they got the job done." "Hang on." "We haven't really lost anyone." "I mean, they're just going out to dinner." "That's where it starts." "First they're going to dinner together, then they're going to the movies, then they're going on vacation together, and the next thing you know, we're watching their slides from Disney World and dying inside." "Well, you know what?" "The Shmenkmans, they're fine." "But you know, they're not that great." "I guess not." "And there are plenty of other couples we can go out with." "That's true." "That is so true." "Couples are a dime a dozen." "You can't spit without hitting a couple in this town." "Absolutely right." "So...who you got?" "Okay, let me think, let me think." "What about-- Oh, no." "They're dead." "I know!" "That is so true." "Is Japanese okay?" "Oh, yeah." "There's a great place over on 58th." "Maybe I'll get udon." "Kim, right?" "Kim..." "Milner?" "Right." "Accounting." "You just started?" "Yeah." "And you're, uh..." "Carrie Heffernan." "I'm Grossman's secretary." "Oh, I thought I recognized you, and I was right, I did." "Hi!" "Hi." "Gary Milner." "How are you?" "Hi, Gary." "Would you guys like to go out tonight?" "I can't wait to see this." "I hear Kevin Spacey is amazing." "He's always great." "The man's a national treasure." "Red hot, anyone?" "Oh, yeah, all right." "Oh, great." "Here you go." "Whoa!" "Spicy." "Speaking of spices, how about pepper, huh?" "You know when you go to a restaurant and the waiter comes around and asks if you want fresh ground pepper?" "I could never decide." "Oh, yeah." "That's kind of true." "And they do that with the parmesan cheese too." "Yes, yes, they do." "He's good." "I can work with him." "So, you guys thinking about having kids?" "What?" "You know, babies..." "Offspring?" "We're brother and sister." "Hello, darlings." "It's Saturday night." "Aren't you going out?" "No." "We don't have any plans." "Deacon and Kelly couldn't get a sitter?" "Actually, they did." "They're just out with someone else." "What about that other lovely couple you had over for brunch?" "They seemed like a lot of fun." "Back it down, okay?" "The lady said we had no plans." "Okay!" "Okay!" "Cool your jets, Eddie!" "You know, Dad, if you don't like those salty corn loops, you don't have to eat all hundred boxes." "Has he been talking to you?" "Have you been bad-mouthing my cereal?" "Yes." "It's all I talk about." "Well, I love this cereal." "I love it." "You may not because you're an angry man, but I love it." "Okay." "God bless." "Enjoy." "Oh, who am I kidding?" "It's disgusting." "Besides which..." "I'm so very thirsty." "You know what?" "Maybe we would feel better if we just got out of the house." "All right, yeah." "What do you wanna do?" "I don't know." "You wanna try out that new steak house?" "Do I wanna?" "You plus beef equals fun." "Whoa." "This place is nice." "You're right." "The sweats wouldn't have worked." "Table for 2?" "Yeah." "This way." "Thanks." "Oh, no." "What?" "They're here." "They took my recommendation, and they used it behind our backs." "Can you believe that?" "What do we do?" "Let's get out of here." "Hey!" "Hey, man!" "Hey!" "Hi, you guys!" "Ohh!" "What's going on, you guys?" "We just came by for some steak." "And possibly a blooming onion." "We stole your little tip on this place." "Sorry." "Hey, where's a cop, right?" "You want to join us?" "We could squeeze in." "No, no." "You guys already have your food." "No, don't be silly!" "You know, what?" "We're having a little romantic celebration, anyway." "It's Doug's..." "half-birthday." "So you guys enjoy, okay?" "Okay." "All right, man." "Uncomfortable." "I know..." "Maybe we should sit down with them." "No." "Carrie, they asked us to sit down." "Yeah, it was a pity-ask, okay?" "They don't really wanna sit with us." "[LAUGHING]" "Do you hear that?" "Every laugh is another inside joke we're not a part of." "I think we should go back in there." "You think so?" "Yes!" "Let's go over to the table, kick it up a notch, and show them we're the fun, great couple we know we are." "And we are, damn it." "We're the Heffernans!" "We've got..." "Heffer-vescence." "Let's go." "Hey, changed our minds." "Decided to join you." "And we come bearing bread." "We'll scooch over." "Okay, great, thank you." "So, wassup, meat-eaters?" "Oh!" "This is like a Sunday brunch reunion, right?" "Ha, ha!" "Yeah, right." "Ready to order?" "Yeah, I believe we are." "We'll start off with a bottle of wine for the table" "On us." "Thanks, guys." "Thank you." "Red, white?" "I don't care if our wine is red, white, or purple." "As long as it gets us loopy." "Whoa!" "Sorry, guy." "Ma'am?" "I'm gonna have the salmon." "Whoa!" "Fish in a steak house." "What is she, a witch?" "Get her!" "I think she is." "Witchy!" "Hey, the porterhouse is really good, man." "Is it, really?" "Okay, then porterhouse it is." "Actually, porterhouse sounds like a lot." "How about a porter-hut?" "Ha, ha, ha!" "Ha, ha, ha!" "Thank you very much." "All right." "Okay." "So, what is going on over here, huh?" "Heard a lot of laughing." "Abby?" "Actually, I was just telling these guys that Marc and I have definitely decided to have a baby." "Oh!" "That's great." "Yeah!" "Way to go, you two!" "You wanna hear something weird?" "Uh, Carrie and I have decided to have one too." "ABBY:" "Really?" "Yup!" "Yup!" "Race you!" "Ha, ha, ha!" "Ha, ha, ha!" "You know they're gonna start expecting me to grow a big belly." "Unless I happen to have a very low sperm count." "Yes, yes." "There you go." "Of course, once we don't have a baby, and they do, we're back to square one, friend-wise." "Who cares?" "Friends just keep you away from TV." "Oh, look." "Someone's car broke down." "Should we pull over and help them out?" "Yeah." "They look nice." "Actually, they look very nice." "Young couple..." "About our age..." "Well-dressed..." "Miata, 2-seater, means no kids." "Let's make some friends." "So what do you guys like?" "Rock, jazz?" "Hey, we just went to this great steak house tonight." "We should all go sometime." "Yeah." "Yeah, uh, there's a gas station right up there." "That one?" "You don't want their gas." "It makes your engine knock." "I'll take you to my place." "Hey, when we go to that steak house, you gotta watch out for the guy with the big pepper mill." "Hey, what's the deal with those anyway?" "What's up with that?" "[♪]"