"Previously on "Cassandra French's Finishing School"..." "Stranger danger." "Stranger danger!" "Hey!" "What the fuck are you doing in my house?" "That's what your mom sounds like?" " She's from St. Louis, so..." " One big, happy family." "Even with all of this," "I don't even know who you are." "And I feel like you don't, either." "Give him a slap on the ass for me." "Are you hungry?" "Are you hungry?" "I got a tin full of carbs here that..." "Ow!" "Jesus!" "You bitch!" "What the fuck?" "!" "Who the fuck..." "Stop talking!" "Stop!" "Who the fuck bites people?" "Shut the fuck up!" "Let me out!" "Okay, okay!" "Really?" "No, I blurt things out when I'm under pressure." "It's something I'm working on." "Knock it off!" "Oh, yeah, you want me to go tie myself back up?" "Could you?" "♪ All the things that I've done" "♪ Oh, how you'd run if you knew a single one ♪" "♪ Of all of the things that I've done ♪" "Fuck!" "Fuck." "So we're doing this, huh?" "Looks that way." "I'm gonna need, like a-a rabies shot or something." "I'm not rabid, you idiot." "That's a matter of opinion." "So..." "How'd you get free?" "Use your imagination." "I'm done answering your fucking questions." "You don't have to jump down my throat." "Don't..." "Wow!" "You really are crazy, lady." "At least I'm not an asshole." "No, you're just a kidnapper." "Look, if you let me out right now," "I'll tell the judge to go easy on you." "No, I'm serious." "You're gonna fuck this up one way or another." " Just a matter of time." " I can't tell you... how much I appreciate your concern." " I got people looking for me." " You?" "You have people who were tweeting at you, and there's a world of a difference." "And they're not gonna buy your fake-picture bullshit." "Oh, yeah, 'cause your friends are some real crackerjack detectives." "Who do you think has got the inside track?" "Do you think it's your weed-dealer buddy from Modesto or Audrey, the cellphone case kiosk girl?" "Do they teach asshole location at G.E.D. night school?" "Wow." "This is the real Cassandra French, huh?" "You don't have a plan, so you just get nasty." "Oh." "I have a plan." "Oh, yeah?" "So, should I-I be nervous?" "You should be shaking in your boots." "Well, you took my boots." "Actually, we burned them." "What the fuck?" "!" "Who burns shoes?" "I thought it would be really cleansing." "And Claire just thought that they were ugly." "Sometime soon... there's gonna be nothing between us but empty space." "And this conversation is gonna be a whole lot different." "Okay, your number today will be 254." " Did you change your hair?" " You always notice." " It looks nice." " Thank you." "Do you find this amusing?" "I just want to know how you feel to be trapped." "Shut up." "I'm not trapped." "You're trapped." "If you move two feet away from this door," "I'm gonna bust right through." "That ain't trapped." "So go ahead, grab a drink of water." "I'm not thirsty." "Probably hungry, though, right?" "I found a cookie." "It was very filling." "Hey, when was the last time you took a leak?" "See, this house echoes." "And down in the basement, I hear everything." "Like, you and Claire coming up with your little schemes, your Beyoncé impression in the shower." "Which, by the way, it's a little pitchy." "I hear your squirrel noises that you make when your vibrator's revved up really high." "I also hear the toilet flush about two minutes after you get home every single time." "Except today, you decided to bring me cookies instead, which was very friendly of you." "But I think it's probably been, what, three hours since you last went?" "That pressure is just building up, and that Hoover Dam is about to crack." "And it's just getting harder and harder to hold." "Until it just blows." "Hey, Mrs. J." "No cheating tonight." "I'm watching you." "Cheating bitch." "Favorite song..." ""Waterfall" by TLC." "Favorite theme park whoo, good question." "I think it's Raging Waters." "Favorite '80s album..." ""Purple Rain."" "Actually, fuck it." "Do you know what?" "Oceans, rivers, streams." "What are those things that... what are those things that come out of streams?" "Uh... canals?" "No, no, no, they're smaller." "Uh, trib... tributaries." "What the fuck?" "Is that even a word?" "Brooks!" "Brooks, water crashing over rocks." "I'm not going anywhere." "All right." "Sit in pain, I don't give a shit." "Maybe it's time I teach you a lesson..." "How to be a better human." "Believe me, you could use this." "Lesson one... biting." "Don't do it." "Lesson two... felony abduction." "Don't do it." "Now, these are all pretty basic, but just stop me if you want me to slow down." "Lesson five." "You gotta get rid of some of that shit." "You gotta let it go." "No one gives a fuck what Gemma said about your hair." "What the fuck was that?" "I coughed." "That was a cough?" "Are you dying?" "No." "It was a totally normal cough." "You should get that checked out." "This is Claire." "Roll the dice." "Fuck." "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "So, you got your cellphone." "I've got my cellphone." "Go ahead, talk to Mom." "How did you know it was her?" "Call, text, text." "There's only two people you do that with... your boss or your mom." "But with your boss, you get that... high-pitched freak-out where you're like..." "Like you're some kind of asthmatic pug." "This one went straight to voicemail, so it's a mom decline." "See?" "I hear things." "I don't want to talk to her right now." "I talk to her enough." "She always calls you, but you never call her." "That's an interesting relationship." "So... so, what?" "You're gonna psychoanalyze me?" "I just think it's strange." "You always go there, she never comes here." "Why are you laughing?" "Oh, man, I am so not talking to you about this." "Oh, do you have other plans?" "Deeper." "Oh, my God." "Fuck, that hurts." "Ow!" "Fuck!" "No, wait." "Don't stop, don't stop." "Go deeper, deeper." "Good." "Oh, my God!" "Fuck you!" "I fucking hate you!" "Fu..." "No, I don't hate you." "I'm sorry." "Ow!" "Fuck you!" "Hey, did you ever see "Silence of the Lambs"?" "When I was a kid." "You saw it when you were a kid?" "Jesus, that explains a lot." "It was..." "I was at a slumber party, and..." "Robin Kessler's mother was very permissive." "And drunk." "I think she was just mostly drunk." "I kind of feel like we have a... a Hannibal Lecter, Clarice vibe going on." "Quid pro quo." "Hey, I don't think you're quite as bad as Hannibal Lecter." "Wait, are you saying I'm Hannibal Lecter?" "You're comparing me to a serial killer?" "If the Louboutin fits." "So that makes you Clarice, the FBI agent, played by Jodie Foster." "You?" "Which one of us is more likely to end up behind bars?" "Okay, you know what?" "We're done talking." "I don't give a fuck what you do." "You can stare into space, you can pick your nose..." "I don't give a shit." "Just don't talk to me any more." "I'm just making sure you heard me... no more talking." "Okay, if you don't say anything," "I don't know if we're in agreement." "Okay, good." "Finally listening for once." "Oh, so what, we're passing notes now?" "_" "Oh, my God." "My binder." "Quid pro quo, Cassandra." "Ow, ow, ow." "Ow, ow, ow." "Ow, ow." "You fucking monster!" "Give it back!" "Actually, I have some questions for you." "You have no idea what you're messing with." "I worked hard on that." "Oh, I can tell." "You have a table of contents, you have dividers." "This is adorable." "Wait." "Holy shit." "Is that a works cited section?" "In case I publish!" "Yes!" "Hey, listen." "Just give it back." "It's really, really important to me." "Answer my questions." "Why doesn't your mom come around?" "Why do you care?" "You son of a bitch." "Unit five... hygiene." "You know what?" "I'm actually gonna practice some good hygiene right now." "You can't see this, but I am literally rubbing your work on my ass." "Hours of hard labor soaking in the moisture from my swampy, sweaty crack." "Actually, to be honest, compared to that one-ply you have me using down here, this feels like a fucking rabbit!" "Section six compassion." "Mmm!" "Compassion tastes kind of like napkins." " Section seven..." " She can't." "My mom doesn't come over because she can't." "She can't walk?" "No, she can walk just fine." "Oh, shit." "Is she, like, 600 pounds?" "Do you have to, like, take the doors off for her to get out?" "She's on... house arrest." "For white-collar fraud." "My stepdad owned a bunch of medical facilities, and he charged insurance companies for a bunch of procedures they never really did." "How much did she steal?" "Ted stole a few million." "And he... signed my mom's name on all the paperwork, and then he skipped bail and disappeared." "And my mom got played." "Damn." "That's some next-level shit." "Yeah." "So now she's trapped in her condo for three years." "And so any time she needs something, she calls me to bring it over like I'm fucking Postmates." "Maybe she just wants to see you." " Maybe." " My dad's like that." "Used to sign me out of school and call it a surprise day." "And he'd take me to Chuck E. Cheese or the park or whatever." "What a horrible person he must be." "Yeah, it was fucking great, right?" "Other kids are studying math and I'm at the batting cage." "But when I got older, like, in high school... he just kept doing it." "And I realized he wasn't doing it for me." "He just wanted someone to talk to." "Can I please have my notebook back now?" "Is this all I get?" "I have some more questions." "Oh, we're starting now?" "What about boyfriends?" "What about them?" "One must have done something to you." "You clearly hate men." "Do you have any idea how much easier this would all be if I actually hated men?" "Yeah, but they must have done something." "Yeah, think of every shitty thing that you've ever done to a girl and pick one from column "A" and two from column "B."" "It's exhausting." "Like, every guy I meet and every relationship I'm in," "I feel like I'm just spending all of this time and energy trying to dig through 20 layers of emotional Kevlar, and then at the end of the day, when it all falls apart," "I'm left with nothing." "And I just have..." "I have to build myself back up again." "I just want somebody to stand next to me and face down the day," "who wants to stand in the same direction." "And I-I don't know why that has to be so hard." "Oh!" "Ah!" "Ah-ah-ah-ah!" "Ah-ah-ah-ah." "You're right, you know, about me." "But you're also wrong, too." "I think on some level, I can be pretty careless." "But I do think about it." "I've hurt someone with something I've said or the way I did it... or the way I didn't end it." "The ghosting... what is that?" "No fighting, no conversation, just... easy." "My mom left when I was 9." "And it was just my dad, my kid brother, and me." "I can't help thinking it... if she hadn't left, that... that things would be better." "You know, like, I'd have been able to form some sort of lasting... anything." "Our holidays, we would drive up the coast and visit her, but it just wasn't the same." "Every time." "_" "_" "_" "What?" "Shit." "I get it." "What you're trying to do." "Help me learn the things that I-I haven't learned." "That's the idea." "I'm sorry for fighting it." "I guess that's just my first reaction." "I'm ready to go back... to school." " You are?" " Yeah." "I don't want to be like this." "I want to be better... for you, but, more importantly, for me." "I can just go sit on the bed and you can tie me up or... do whatever you want." "I-I just want you to feel comfortable." "M-maybe just go sit on the couch." "Yeah." "I'll go sit on the couch, and you'll come on in." "Hey, it's okay." "You can just come in." "It's okay." "You can open it." " Claire." " Don't let him into your head." "No, no." "No, I... it's not like that." "Remember who you're dealing with." "He is not your friend." "I've got an idea." "Is Lexi still fuck-buddies with that dentist?" "I think so, but I don't really..." "I don't really want to bring Lexi into this at all." "I'll be there, stat." "And don't believe his lies." "Cassandra?" "Cassie?" "St. Louis." "What?" "That night at the bar, you said your mom was from St. Louis." "Right, yeah, yes." "St. Louis." "Yeah, but just now, you said that you drove up the coast to see her." "Yeah, you're talking to the captain of her eighth grade geography bowl, and Latitude with Attitude didn't come in first for nothing." "There is no coastline in St. Louis." "God damn it!" "You actually made me give a shit." "Because you want to." "You want to believe that all guys are shit and that you can fix all of us." "But it doesn't work that way." "No matter how many lesson plans or fucking torture devices you use." "So what?" "So what were you gonna do?" "You gonna overpower me and just walk out of here?" "Go back to being the same guy that you were when I first met you?" "That is the worst kind of torture I can think of." "Yeah, you forget that I've been inside your apartment and that I've read all your e-mails and I know what your life looked like." "I mean, I didn't even tell Claire half the shit that I saw 'cause I actually felt bad when she started to make fun of you." "I let you leave here, you're gonna end up like my mom or your dad or half the other people on this shitty fucking planet, screwing or getting screwed, or either way ending up alone." "You don't think that your dad wanted to find someone to be with?" "That's where you're headed, Owen." "And if we don't do something about it soon, you're gonna spend the rest of your fucking life wandering around batting cages just hoping that someone invites you out for a surprise day that is never gonna come." "Owen?" "I'm sorry." "Owen." "You know, gas is a lot heavier than you'd imagine." "Shh!" "What?" "Kevin already knows I'm borrowing it." "Well, I thought you were just gonna grab his keys." "I did." "And then I told him straight up why we needed them, because lying is another form of addiction." "And then he told me it would be illegal to give me the gas, and then I brought up Thomas Hobbes and the 19 Natural Laws and how we weren't actually breaking any of them." "And then he asked to suck on my toes for a little bit, and then I finished up with the defense of "Summa Theologica,"" "and then he gave me the keys." "So it was the toe thing." "Yeah, it was probably the toe thing." "So, this guy's into nitrous?" "Yeah, apparently, it's all about the timing, yeah." "Interesting." "Well, just promise me you'll be safe, because 24% of all sexual injuries occur from pharmaceutical abuse." "Why do you know that?" "I think everyone knows that." "No?" "I guess, yeah." "Okay." "Help me get this into the van." "Okay." "Holy shit balls." "Are you all right?" "Yeah, yeah, I'm fine." "I'm fine." "Oh, okay." "Did someone piss in here?" " Whatever." "Is he still..." " Yeah." "All right." "Let's get this over with." "What is it?" "Nitrous." "Okay." "Okay, I thought there'd be, like, instructions or something, but whatever." "All right." "And, uh, there we go." "All righty." "I'd say, like, 10 minutes rough estimate for him to, like, loosen up so he doesn't overpower." "All right, well, math was never really my thing." "Do you think that's enough?" "Yeah." "I think that's good enough." "We'll make a Home Depot run in the morning." "He's still out." "Do you think that's normal?" "Okay, well, you have a nice night... or a day... whatever the fuck it is." "Cassandra French." "Yeah?" "You are... a bad person." "Boop." "Knock, knock." "Girls, I just wanted to warn you, that was halothane, not laughing gas... a very dangerous mistake." "Also, I brought muffins." "On the next episode of "Cassandra French's Finishing School"..." "She's not at home, she's not in the studio." "I mean, I've checked very juice bar and bullshit raw food place in town." "Lexi, that guy you saw, he was not dead." "The death that I refer to is the death of our friendship." "God damn it." "Yeah, baby." "God damn it all." "Sorry." "Sweating all over you." "It's a bit tight in here."