"(CHAIRS RATTLING)" "(PEOPLE CHATTERING)" "(APPLAUSE)" "Now, ladies and gentlemen," "Mr. Severn Darden will do a spot improvisation for you." "SAM:" "Okay, a little bit of history." "In 1955, a group of actors in Chicago invented the idea that improvisational theater could be an art form unto itself." "Not just a warm-up for other theater." "This is what we're going to be playing with." "There it is, the all-American football." "Well, that's an odd shape, isn't it?" "It's not actually round." "MILES:" "Now, everyone has their own take on what's most important in improv, but even 60 years later, they still boil down to three basic rules." "LINDSAY:" "Sly and the Family Stone." "Jody and Buffy." "Buffy the Vampire Slayer." "Um, vampires..." "Weekend." "ALLISON:" "Number one." "Say yes." "Duck season." "ALLISON:" "Duck Hunt." "(MIMICS SHOOTING) Nintendo." "ALLISON:" "Which really means just agreeing with the reality your partner creates and then building on that." "Pong." "ALLISON:" "And then building on that." "(MIMICKING BALL STRIKING PADDLES)" "JACK:" "And then building on that, and then building on that." "(ALL MAKING SOUND EFFECTS)" "JACK:" "Defender." "LINDSAY:" "Frogger." "(JACK MIMICS LASER GUN FIRING)" "Oh, my God, that is amazing." "Jack, you have worked on that." "Yeah, yeah, that's a good..." "That's a prepared bit, that's not improvised." "What?" "I don't accept that as improv." "(ALL LAUGH)" "SAM:" "Number two." "It's all about the group." "LINDSAY:" "Yes." "SAM:" "It's not about you looking good." "LINDSAY:" "And it's also not about looking funny." "SAM:" "No." "JACK:" "Or showboating." "ALLISON:" "It's about a group working together in the moment to create something that never happened before." "You know, or will never happen again." "Five minutes, guys." "ALL: "Five minutes, guys."" "JACK: "Five minutes, guys." Why am I Japanese?" "Remember when you said, "Please tell me when I'm racist?"" "Yeah." "Thanks, thank you, Lindsay." "It's one of those times." "MILES:" "And finally, and this is the most important one." "Don't think." "It's all about getting out of your head, it's about impulse." "LINDSAY:" "It's about living in the moment." "It's about now." "Hey, guys, sorry I'm late." "No!" "(ALL EXCLAIMING)" "We all said we would wear the same outfit." "Everybody agreed." "Let's start wearing matching outfits." "I felt like this was the only thing all of us owned." "Say, "Yes, and!" Nobody's "yes, anding" me right now!" "You've gotta go." "You've gotta go." "I'm being a professional." "BILL:" "In improv, there are no mistakes." "Like, Del Close once said," ""Fall and then figure out what to do on the way down."" "SARAH:" "Welcome to the Improv For America Theater." "Please turn off your cell phones." "There's no talking." "ALL:" "Got your back." "Got your back." "Got your back." "Got your back." "Got your back." "SAM:" "Guys, I'm sorry I'm late." "ALL:" "Aw!" "Sorry." "ALL: "Guys, I'm sorry I'm late."" "Sorry." "Guess what?" "What?" "(SINGING) Don't care that you're late, I don't care that you're late" "SARAH:" "Please welcome The Commune!" "MILES:" "All right, you guys, let's go!" "(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)" "(APPLAUSE CONTINUES)" "Hi, I'm Sam." "Uh, Miles." "I'm Bill." "Allison." "Lindsay." "Jack." "And we are The Commune." "(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)" "So everything you see tonight is gonna be improvised." "And this show is really all about you guys." "So we want to know, has anybody out here had a particularly hard day?" "And something actually hard, like, not like your roommate ate your yogurt." "LINDSAY:" "It was still shitty when you ate my yogurt, Miles." "(ALL LAUGH)" "MILES:" "Uh, go ahead." "Uh, I'm looking for an apartment and it sucks." "(STAMMERS) Like, why specifically does it suck?" "The only one I can afford has the bathroom in the kitchen." "Hmm." "(ALL CHUCKLE)" "Hi." "Great." "SAM:" "Hi." "Okay, so as you can see, we have, uh..." "There's two bedrooms." "Lovely." "Here is the kitchen." "Nice." "There's a beautiful bathroom." "Uh, is that a toilet?" "Yes, that is." "The toilet is in the kitchen." "Mmm-mmm-mmm." "Mmm-hmm, yes." "Yes." "And who are they?" "They are... (ALL LAUGH)" "They are orphans." "They are orphans." "Hi." "SAM:" "Did you say "orphans"?" "Yes, the apartment comes with orphans." "Yes, yes, yes." "Um, does the landlord mind if I paint?" "Well, you can't paint the orphans, no." "But you can paint the walls." "This is the place I was telling you about, babe." "It has a lot of character." "Oh, yeah." "This is my husband." "Stanley, a pleasure to meet you." "I love it." "Oh, it's great." "Hey, well, guys, this is it." "It's gonna sell today." "You gotta go for it, it's gonna sell today." "I'll take it." "SAM:" "Oh, no, I'm going to take it." "We'll pay 30% over asking." "Well, I'll pay 50% over asking." "(STUTTERING) We'll pay 100% over asking." "Well, I'll pay $2 million for this apartment." "Really?" "Yes." "Okay, yeah." "What makes you want this apartment so badly?" "It's the orphans." "(ALL LAUGH)" "I wanna raise them." "(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)" "This was my first group, The Awakening, 1997." "That had me, Bill, Brad Burke." "Yeah." "He's on..." "He's on Stuck in the Middle." "Yeah, yeah." "He's done really well." "And..." "Oh, yeah." "And this guy's on Weekend Live, right?" "Hugh Finn, yeah." "Wow!" "He's..." "I auditioned that year, too." "I was inches..." "And you're very talented." "I mean, you're upper third of your class, but you know, most of these guys, they're just not gonna make it." "I mean, 3%..." "Excuse me just a second." "No, Bonnie, we could move the theater!" "We could find a space in Brooklyn." "We could move to Long Island City, Astoria." "You know, all the music venues, they're heading to Bushwick." "Or Gowanus." "I know." "The business model for selling $5 tickets to a show is not exactly sound." "The theater's closing." "We've gotta be out of there in four weeks." "They're selling." "Another Trump building, I think." "New York City is over." "(MIMICS TRUMP) New York City, you're fired." "(MIMICS TRUMP) Improv For America, you're fired." "(ALL LAUGH)" "(MIMICS JFK) All of America, you're fired." "What the hell was that?" "That was Trump." "JFK." "JACK:" "That's JFK." "(MIMICS TRUMP) Your impersonation is so bad, you're fired." "(ALL LAUGH)" "We're not leaving." "We could start a protest." "Right?" "We could do like an online campaign." "Yeah, yeah." "Occupy!" "(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)" "Protest!" "(GLASS SHATTERS) (ALL EXCLAIM)" "It was a bit." "LINDSAY:" "A bit gone bad." "(MIMICS TRUMP) Samantha Byrne, you took that bit too far." "You're fired." "(MIMICS JFK) I concur, you're fired." "JFK." "MILES:" "So most of us live here." "AMY:" "Oh, really?" "MILES:" "Jack and Sam moved out last year, so they have their own place, and Lindsay lives with her parents." "LINDSAY:" "Uh, my parents live with me." "MILES:" "Yeah, whatever." "This is my room." "It's, uh..." "Watch your head on the pipe." "It's not huge... (GRUNTS)" "But neither am I, so." "SAM:" "What if I threw up in your mouth right now?" "(GRUNTS) That's it." "You throw up?" "I'd go, "Thanks, baby bird."" "(BOTH GRUNTING)" "(CHUCKLES)" "You're so weird, you're so..." "You're so weird, I love... (MIMICS RETCHING AND CHUCKLES)" "It's too gross, even for me." "It's too gross." "It's too gross." "I like that you went with it." "I did." "Yes... (SPEAKING GIBBERISH)" "I need to work on my Irish." "No." "No, see, that's just a speech impediment." "I thought it was a good show." "Oh, yeah." "Let me show you something." "Look at this." "Hmm?" "I don't know what you're showing me." "MR. COUGHLIN:" "It's called Bucky's." "BILL:" "It looks like a porn house." "It is." "I bought it for practically nothing." "I'll wipe the splooge off the walls and I'll flip it into a Sephora." "Dad, I've told you, I'm not interested in real estate." "All right." "You still givin' out hummus samples?" "(ENGINE STARTS) No." "I got a new job." "Great." "Hummus and chips?" "No, thank you." "Hummus and chips?" "Okay." "Follow me." "Like, I'm the most talented copy editor at my agency and they fired me." "(SCOFFS)" "What's crazy is, I don't even need the job." "It's hard to have wealthy parents, Lindsay." "MILES:" "Can we have another suggestion, Josh?" "JOSH:" "Uh, pen." "Hey, man." "I got you this new pen." "It's actually not a pen." "That's, um, a fish." "And you dumb." "(CHUCKLES)" "Pause there." "So, good stuff, you guys." "Um, I think what we wanna do is think in positives." "So Natasha says, "Here's a pen," you might add to that." "You know, "Oh, thanks." "It's got an inscription." "It says 'Happy Anniversary.""" "Okay, cool." "Yeah, that's tight if you wanna be doing improv forever, but I wanna do Weekend Live." "Like, how do you do that?" "You wait in line, Gary." "You looked good." "ANNOUNCER:" "It's Weekend Live!" "LINDSAY:" "I'm glad you're keeping score." "You know what I mean?" "It's the sports of comedy." "It's the only live sporting event of comedy." "But comedy isn't a sport." ""Sports of comedy"?" "It shouldn't have winners and losers, and there shouldn't be points." "JACK:" "They don't have..." "I mean, they got Gary Cho and then it's like, who else?" "You know what I mean?" "Everybody else is..." "LINDSAY:" "White." "Even if it wasn't me, there should be somebody else on this show that represents another..." "Different shades of white, certainly." "Right." "Yes, definitely." "They've got eggshell..." "Ecru." "Ecru to off-white to almost ochre." "BILL:" "Ochre?" "MILES:" "I enjoy ochre performers." "(ALL LAUGH)" "ALLISON:" "It was good when I was little." "Right." "You know, you never know if it was good when you were little or you were just little, so you didn't know." "It's the great paradox of Weekend Live, is was it good ever?" "And can I..." "Or did we just think so because we were 12?" "You really should not have said that in your audition." "I think that..." "I brought that up at my interview." "(ALL LAUGH)" "(INDISTINCT CHATTER)" "(PLAYING PIANO)" "Sarah, we're gonna hold 10." "LINDSAY:" "Wait, why?" "SAM:" "Why are we holding 10?" "I called Hugh Finn." "He's bringing over some producers from Weekend Live." "Hey, Jack, don't pull some showboat shit out there." "What are you talking about?" "When do I do that?" "You know you always do that." "Anyone from the industry shows up, you turn into a one-man audition tape." "You did it when the guy from Conan came." "You did it when Law and Order came." "LINDSAY:" "Um, you guys, where's Bill?" "Where is Bill?" "MILES:" "Bill?" "He doesn't wanna miss this." "He doesn't wanna miss this." "Where's he at?" ""Where are you?" Bill." "JACK AND MILES:" "Where's Bill?" "Where's Bill?" "BOTH:" "Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill." "LINDSAY:" "Bill's not gonna be happy about missing Weekend Live." "And I love Bill, but we gotta do the show." "All right." "Here we go, guys." "SARAH:" "Please welcome The Commune!" "(AUDIENCE CHEERING)" "Hi, I'm Sam." "Miles." "Allison." "Lindsay." "Jack." "And we are The Commune." "(AUDIENCE CHEERS)" "In fact, everything you see tonight is going to be improvised and it's all about you guys." "So did anybody out there have a particularly hard day?" "Mmm?" "Yes?" "Yeah, I saw my dad for the first time in 10 years today." "SAM:" "What?" "Really?" "Where?" "Where?" "He drives a taxi, and I just randomly got into his cab." "MILES:" "Wait." "No, no, no." "SAM:" "Wow!" "Fact checking." "Um..." "You got into a taxi, you did not know it was your dad, and then you said, "Hi, Dad"?" "WOMAN:" "Yes, I said, "Hi, Dad." Well, okay." "SAMANTHA AND MILES:" "Wow!" "Hop in." "SAM:" "Oh." "Thanks." "I didn't think anyone was gonna pick me up." "It's raining so hard." "Well, yeah." "Where you headed?" "I'm going to a restaurant on West Fourth and Broadway." "What do you got goin' on there?" "Uh, a blind date with a man I'll probably engage in sexual congress with." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "That seems a little fast." "Well..." "Thank you." "SAM:" "I consider myself quite fast." "In fact..." "I have abandonment issues." "My father left me, so I basically only relate to men through sex." "That's challenging for me to hear." "(ALL LAUGH)" "Um..." "In that case, I think I'll get out here." "Okay." "(MIMICS BRAKES SCREECHING)" "(IN ITALIAN ACCENT) Oh, welcome to La Traviata." "How many?" "Two." "I'm meeting someone." "I'll be right back." "Thank you." "(EXCLAIMS) Ugh!" "Dad?" "I'm just trying to be part of your life." "And you drove the cab?" "(MIMICS OBAMA) Now look, as the President of the United States of America," "I believe that it's not only my duty to find your father but also have him pick you up in a cab and take you to your destination." "This is a new program we're working on right now called, uh, Cabs for Dads." "But my critics like to call it ObamaCabs." "As if that would bother me." "(ALL LAUGH)" "I was justifying why a man would be picking up his daughter in a cab." "You also justified why you should be doing your best impression." "When Weekend Live is there." "MILES:" "When Weekend Live is there." "I thought it was very strong." "Thank you." "No, you know, they're right." "You guys are right." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that." "I went out there by my..." "I shouldn't have done that." "JACK:" "That's Alicia Bonham and Hugh Finn." "Should I go over there?" "LINDSAY:" "Why would you go over there and not us?" "I don't..." "I don't care." "It doesn't matter." "I could go over there, you could go over there." "We just can't all go over there." "Hi, I'm Jack." "Alicia." "That show was so good." "Thank you." "Oh, my God." "I'm so flattered." "Yeah." "We are so flattered." "Such an honor." "We're all so flattered, you know." "I started the group 11 years ago." "Hi, I'm Lindsay!" "I love these guys." "We were in the trenches together." "Miles and I are like stage brothers for life." "Oh, so I'll see you at Hugh's wedding then." "Oh, um..." "You're getting married?" "It's actually just a really small thing, so..." "I don't care." "I don't wanna go to a wedding." "I hate weddings." "And babies." "If you ever have a baby, don't invite me to it." "Uh, I follow you on Twitter." "Ugh!" "I fucking hate Twitter." "My publicist made me join." "But I mean, it's part of it, though, you know, right?" "I mean, just, right?" "Right?" "Yeah." "Um, well, if you ever wanna hate it together," "I'm Jack-underscore-Mercer, so..." "Underscore is my middle name." "(ALL CHUCKLE)" "LINDSAY:" "I have an Instagram for my neighbor's dog, actually." "So if you wanna check that out, really fun stuff." "You don't have to be an animal lover." "Uh, it's just like really human moments, but also dog moments." "It's TulipBone." "'Cause the dog's name is Tulip, she likes bones, easy to remember." "Thank you." "Thank you, guys." "Nice to meet you." "Okay." "MILES:" "It is weird that he didn't invite me to his wedding." "LINDSAY:" "Is it, though?" "ALLISON:" "I wasn't invited, either." "Smug son of a bitch." "I'm not invited to his wedding?" "I introduced him to his wife!" "LINDSAY:" "I just tagged Alicia on some @TulipBone pictures." "ALLISON:" "Oh, nice." "You mispronounced Alicia." "LINDSAY:" "Alicia." "JACK:" "No, it's not a pronunciation..." "Guys, this is Natasha." "She's one of my students." "She's staying with us this week." "Hey." "I got evicted." "My roommate sells crack." "ALLISON:" "Oh, man." "How was your show?" "It was good." "Weekend Live showed up." "LINDSAY:" "Yeah." "Oh, God, seriously?" "Are they casting?" "'Cause I've been working on my characters." "Yeah?" "Like, "Y'all want some crack?" ""Y'all want some crack in your eggs?"" "I'm not sure they're casting." "Anyway..." "Oh, my God, you guys." "Bonnie just texted me." "They loved Sam." "Sam?" "You hear that?" "MILES:" "Oh, yeah?" "They didn't mention me?" "You know, I auditioned for the show in 2003." "I was..." "ALLISON:" "We know." "Inches..." "Inches." "I was like inches." "I was like inches." "Do not break my phone." "Do not break my..." "Boom!" "Yes." "So who wins Jenga?" "LINDSAY:" "The person who does not knock it over." "Yeah, like everybody who doesn't lose Jenga wins." "MILES:" "That's a weird game." "Oh, well done." "Yes, I can." "Mmm-hmm, I'm there." "What's going on?" "JACK: (WHISPERS) Sam." "Sam!" "You know that Americans eat one trillion eggs a year?" "We do not." "MILES:" "Is that even true, Data?" "Why do you call her Data?" "MILES:" "You don't know Data from Star Trek?" "LINDSAY:" "How old are you?" "Okay." "We will be there." "So, are you okay?" "(SOFTLY) Yeah." "That was Bonnie." "Okay." "And we have an audition on Thursday for Weekend Live." "Who?" "You and me?" "You and me." "MILES:" "She's losing right now!" "Bill!" "Bill, where were you?" "Sorry I missed the show." "ALL:" "Sorry." "Sorry I missed the show, guys." "ALL:" "Sorry." "Sorry I missed the show." "You don't wanna do that." "(MILES LAUGHS)" "Just stop." "It's real, okay?" "Just stop." "(EXHALING) Okay." "You did it!" "(WHISPERING) You did it!" "We did it!" "My dad, he rode his motorcycle home and" "on the highway this 18-wheeler kinda edged him off the highway and he hit the guardrail, so..." "He's in the hospital." "I gotta take the train to see him tomorrow." "Dude, dude, dude, we're sorry." "LINDSAY:" "I'll get my dad's car." "Yeah, yeah." "LINDSAY:" "I'll drive you down there to the hospital." "MILES:" "We'll all come, yeah." "LINDSAY:" "I'm so sorry." "Yeah, I'm sorry." "What's going on?" "Bill's dad had a motorcycle accident." "Some truck hit it." "He got hit." "We're gonna go down to Philadelphia tomorrow." "I'll get my dad's car." "JACK:" "We actually have some news, too." "We have, um..." "We're auditioning on Thursday for Weekend Live." "Congrats, man." "Thanks, man." "(SCOFFS)" "So, wait, Weekend Live, they came to tonight's show?" "Yeah." "It was like, like Alicia and Hugh..." "Motherfucker." "Yeah." "Sorry." "LINDSAY:" "Sorry, buddy." "They're not gonna come again, right?" "That's it." "JACK:" "They might." "The theater's closing." "Maybe they'll wanna take another shot." "Maybe they'll come again, you know?" "Probably not." "I'm sorry." "Do you know which bits you're gonna do?" "We just heard like 10 minutes ago, so..." "You gotta do Alex Rodriguez at the cell phone store." "I forgot all about that one." "Oh, my gosh." "BILL:" "You gotta do The Rock when The Rock loses all the weight." "(GASPS) SlimFast Rock." "What did we call it?" "The Pebble." "The Pebble." "Right." "SAM:" "Jack." ""Can you smell what The Pebble's cookin'?"" ""Not much." "And that's why I lost the weight."" "It's weird that they didn't want me to audition." "I mean, in some ways, it makes sense." "It's like they don't want more generals, they want infantry." "Yeah." "Yeah." "MILES:" "So when I did it, it was three characters, three impersonations." "What I did..." "LINDSAY:" "Nobody cares, Miles." "What are you doing, Sam?" "SAM:" "I don't know yet." "LINDSAY:" "Jack, what are you gonna do?" "Oh, you should do Uncle John!" "ALLISON:" "What's that one?" "JACK:" "Okay, look." "Kids down there makin' noise, come down to the basement half in the bag, talkin' 'bout..." "All you kids in the basement!" "I ain't gonna have it with none of y'all kids, man." "Y'all down here, you break anything, you make any noise, then there's the door." "Okay." "Then what?" "The premise of the character is just that he, like, points to the door?" "That's always the way he exclamation points the end of the sentence." "You kids in here making noise." "I don't want you in here, breaking my antiques." "There's the door." "There's the door." "There's the door." "There's the door." "Wait, Uncle John, Uncle John." "What?" "What?" "Um, I'm Bambi and I don't know where my mom is." "You know what?" "There's the door." "ALL:" "There's the door!" "(ALL EXCLAIMING)" "Uncle John, Uncle John." "Yeah." "What's goin' on?" "I make pizza and I can find my sauce and my cheese, but I can't find the other part." "It's right here, dude." "There's the door." "There's the door!" "There's the door." "He's kneading the dough!" "LINDSAY:" "Miles, it's weird when you do it." "(ALL LAUGHING)" "We had to do an emergency craniotomy to remove blood." "Your dad understands what happened and where he is, but he can't vocalize more than a word or two." "MAN: (ON TV) Okay, we are so far past this point now trying to remember when the turning point was, but there actually was a turning point." "(CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY)" "(SOFTLY) We should head out." "We should head out." "I'll come visit again soon, Dad." "(SOFTLY) Thank you." "You're welcome, Dad." "Bye, Mr. COUGHLIN." "See you later, Mr. COUGHLIN." "Yeah, feel better, Mr. COUGHLIN." "ALLISON:" "See you soon." "LINDSAY:" "Bye, Mr. COUGHLIN." "We'll be back." "All right." "I know it's not about me, but I don't want my dad to die thinking I'm a failure." "You're not a failure, Bill." "You're in The Commune." "You know, Bill." "I know it seems, like, grim right now, but..." "Boy, he's really a fighter." "Yeah." "And there was that one moment where he was like, "Thank you."" "And that was actually pretty good." "Yeah." "Yeah, yeah." "He was really present." "Yeah, he was like, "Thank you."" "Miles, that's wrong." "Are you doing an impersonation?" "It was more like, "Thank you."" "(ALL LAUGHING)" "JACK:" "Oh, Lindsay with the sneak attack." "LINDSAY: "Thank you."" "ALL: "Thank you." "Thank you."" "JACK:" "No, that's Bob Dylan." "I'm pretty sure I'm the only one that should impersonate my dad when he's basically in a coma." "Mine was good, though." "Oh, God, Miles!" "It was, it was pretty good, but it was really inappropriate." "(ALL LAUGHING)" ""Thank you." There we go!" "JACK: (MIMICKING LIAM NEESON) Hello." "Hello." "My name is Liam NEESON." "If it's money that you're looking for, I've got none." "I've used all of it the last six times my daughter was taken." "I mean, didn't you find it very easy to kidnap her?" "No, you and I should sit..." "You go over there." "God, are we glued here?" "We're glued here." "Can't we have a stationary table?" "Can't we get a table that doesn't move?" "Nobody answers!" "This business." "MAN:" "...that doesn't wobble here?" "What?" "What?" "What?" "I wanna put my feet on it." "Feet on it." "Can't we get a stationary table?" "Can't we get a stationary..." "Nobody listens in this..." "Nobody!" "If one hair on her head is harmed..." "What, she's dead?" "Okay, well, to be quite honest, there's a bit of relief there." "SAM:" "So I was thinking about doing Gena Rowlands..." "JACK:" "Yeah?" "From A Woman Under the Influence as an umpire." "Okay, well, that was obscure in 1974, but okay." "Yeah." "Nick, you're out." "What do you mean I'm out?" "How could I be out?" "Nick, you missed the base." "You're out." "(BLOWS RASPBERRIES)" "Missed the base?" "I didn't even swing!" "Rain delay!" "I'm telling you, I didn't swing at the ball!" "But you have to do the porches thing, too." "P-O-R-C-H-E-S." "We have aluminum porches." "Enclosed... (CHUCKLES) (LAUGHS)" "Listen, Anne Prima Donna." "(IMITATING A CHILD) Yes, Papa?" "You're the prettiest girl in all of Brooklyn and if anyone tells you different, they're outta their minds." "Oh, Papa." "Look at these lips." "Those are kissable lips!" "What could you do for my lips, Papa?" "Oh, I could do just about anything." "I could..." "Let me check the lips first and we'll see what we're doing here." "Boy, my daughter's good at everything." "Just kidding." "You trained her well." "All right, we gotta get moving." "Ooh, but an elf has confused my legs for trees and sawed them off for firewood." "I'm serious." "Here we go." "Come on, Sam." "Can't we just lie here in the meadow?" "Come on, Sam." "Yes, magical tree." "We can lie here in the meadow." "As long as that meadow is the train." "(SAM GROANING) Oh." "Here we are, magical tree." "No, no, Jack, put me down." "We're going to our..." "Put me down." "Sorry." "I need time." "Well, we don't have much time, hon." "But yours is at 4:00 and mine's at 4:15, so I'll just meet you there." "I can wait." "If you want me to wait and stay with you?" "(IN CHILDLIKE VOICE) Just go, Jack." "I'll meet you there." "Don't worry about me." "It's better if I meet you there?" "(NORMAL VOICE) Honey, I got it." "I'm good." "(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)" "PETE:" "Ray Romano singing Happy Birthday." "Happy birthday to..." "Hi." "Sam Byrne, Weekend Live." "(SIGHS) (ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)" "PETE:" "Rath, it was unbelievable!" "I killed it, man!" "I absolutely crushed it!" "I can't believe it." "I did Ray Romano sings." "They had to stop because everyone was laughing so hard." "No!" "You shut up!" "JACK:" "A character called the ticket taker." "He's an old timey ticket taker but he works in a modern cineplex." "And he doesn't understand, he's like delusional." "He thinks that we've lost the classic kind of feel of the cinema, and so he just..." "He's stuck in this world." "So..." "LINDSAY:" "Hi." "Hello. (CHUCKLES)" "Hi." "I'm here to quit show business." "Well, hello!" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)" "Hi, I'm here to quit show business as well." "BILL:" "What?" "Jugglers almost never quit." "What else do they have to do?" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "So then he says, "That's how it goes."" "And then I was like, "Okay."" "And so then I walk out back into the lobby out of his office and Gary Cho was sitting there." "He looks at me, Gary Cho says," ""We're all really excited."" "And then I'm going, "Uh-oh." "What?"" "And at that moment, Timothy's assistant comes out of the office and made it official." "Oh, my God!" "(CHUCKLES)" "(EXCLAIMS)" "Yeah!" "That is amazing." "Oh, my God." "That is amazing." "Congratulations." "I know, I know." "I'm fucking spinning." "Dude!" "Yes!" "Dude!" "JACK:" "Thank you, man." "My man!" "NATASHA:" "I mean, that's so, I can't believe I know someone on Weekend Live." "So that's it?" "You just got it?" "For years, I was like, it's either Jack or Miles, but probably Jack." "(ALL LAUGHING)" "No, but that's what you get." "That's what you get." "Yeah." "Right?" "Yeah." "Where's Sam?" "Um, you know what?" "We showed up separately, and she hasn't texted me back yet, so I don't know what's going on." "Can you still do our shows?" "I mean, we only have three weeks left, so..." "MILES:" "Yeah, you can still do our shows." "LINDSAY:" "Oh, yeah." "I don't know." "I don't, you know..." "I mean, it's late night, it's just on the week days." "I don't know 'cause you're writing all the time." "It's our first week." "I wanna put my best foot forward and..." "There she is." "There she is." "Oh, my God." "Hi, I'm so sorry I missed the show." "How was it?" "BILL:" "It doesn't matter." "JACK:" "How'd it go?" "What happened?" "How'd it go?" "Um..." "(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)" "I was late and they wouldn't let me in." "JACK:" "What?" "Why?" "Why?" "I don't know." "JACK:" "Well, how late were you?" "I was like 20 minutes late, so..." "You were 20 minutes late?" "Wait, you were 20 minutes late and they wouldn't let you in?" "All right, maybe I was like 30 minutes late." "But, oh, my, how was it for you?" "No, listen, I told you that I would wait for you." "I told you that I would go..." "SAM:" "I know, I know." "How was it for you, though?" "Honey, yeah, I got the show." "I got it." "(CHUCKLES)" "That's great." "Yeah, yeah." "That's..." "Honey, but I..." "Thank you." "I just wanted us both to get it, you know?" "I really wanted us both to get it." "I know." "(SIGHS)" "Look, guys, this is, um... (STAMMERS) This is a victory for the whole group." "Okay?" "'Cause I'm gonna..." "You mean you'll talk to Timothy about us?" "Uh..." "When you talk to him my name's Bill." "Just to remind you." "I'm Bill." "We've known each other many years." "MILES:" "A lot of guys who get on that show can hire their own writers, or, you know, suggest it." "Seriously." "JACK:" "Yeah." "I mean, I'm..." "MILES:" "To Jack, everybody!" "To Jack!" "Cheers!" "All right!" "This is huge." "(MUSIC PLAYING)" "Bill." "I was Jack's first teacher, actually." "Oh..." "You're my first teacher." "Exactly." "(CHUCKLES)" "That's cool." "Crazy." "Yeah." "Yeah, it's just like, anything could happen." "I was just so in it, and I felt, if I don't get this," "I'm gonna kill myself." "I literally thought that." "And I believe that to be true." "You mean like, if you had to live our lives?" "Like if you had to continue living like us, you'd kill yourself?" "No, no." "I mean, I don't have OCD." "I used to when I was a kid." "I had it kinda like, basically I had this thing with picture frames." "Like, if I saw a picture frame," "I would have to touch the four corners of it, but it would, like, it would have to feel right." "If you wanna talk to anybody, I have a great therapist." "(CLICKS TONGUE) That's so sweet of you, but I'm fine." "Okay." "I know." "I'm fine." "She's always struggled with this." "It's like, um..." "She ran away from home when she was 16 and, yeah, to become a ballerina." "Like an actual, like pointe toes..." "Yeah." "Pirouettes and all that?" "Nutcracker, yeah." "Had a Black Swan kinda thing and like, it didn't work out." "She's great, but it didn't work out, and then she started coming to Commune shows, and she became kind of obsessed with our group, and then I asked her to join the group." "Wow." "Sam, honey." "Honey, what happened?" "Okay, I mean, you can't just have been 20 minutes late." "Doesn't matter." "(KEYBOARD CLACKING)" "(SIGHS)" "LINDSAY:" "Cool." "Thanks a lot, ma'am." "(SIGHS) Fuck you." "(KEYBOARD CLACKING)" "Where you going?" "Uh... (SIGHS)" "I kinda feel like a whore." "What do you mean?" "We had a great time." "Ugh!" "You're, like, 40." "I just turned 36." "I need you to teach my classes." "Why?" "I can't take it anymore." "Another one of my students gets my dream job and I'm still teaching 101?" "I gotta focus on me." "Writing for me." "(STAMMERS) I'm gonna get the job at Weekend Live." "That's good for you, Miles, but I can't teach." "Why?" "I'm good in a group." "I'm no good on my own." "SARAH:" "Welcome to the Improv For America Theater." "Please turn off your cell phones and..." "BILL:" "What's that phrase?" "Uh..." ""A house is made of brick and stone, but a home is made of love alone"?" "You ever hear that one?" "No, Greg, I haven't." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "I read it..." "Uh..." "It was like, hanging up in a doctor's office one time." "(CLICKS TONGUE)" "You guys ever heard a phrase that's like, "A bird in the hand is like two in a bush"?" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "I heard that one." "Yeah?" "Yeah." "You guys ever heard that phrase," ""There's nothing that feels better" ""than feeling someone's last breath come out of their mouth"?" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "Yeah." "Yeah, yeah, yeah, I heard that one." "I heard that one." "What about, like, that one where it's like," ""The final drop of blood in a man's body" ""is the sweetest nectar you'll ever drink"?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "So, I met this guy." "He owns this space up in Midtown." "It's kind of fancy for us." "It's mostly like jazz and classical music and stuff, but he said we could rent it on one of the off-nights." "We might even be able to make some money." "Really?" "Yeah." "Wow, is it expensive, or..." "That's the thing." "We would have to front like $4,000." "But once we match it in ticket sales, we split up any profits." "MILES:" "That sounds good." "Can we see the space?" "Hey." "Come on, guys, look." "Is this a lovely room, huh?" "It's nice." "ALLISON:" "Is that a Steinway?" "Biggest one in this city." "It's got a good vibe." "You know?" "BILL:" "He seems like he really likes our show, but he also seems like, if I'm being honest, like he's slimy enough to get it done." "ALLISON:" "Yeah." "Good slimy." "You know?" "I've actually got to get going, but, um, I'll see you at 9:00?" "Can we make it 9:30?" "What are you guys working on?" "Writing packet for Weekend Live." "Cool." "I would get in on that." "What do you mean?" "Like I'd submit with you guys as a team." "Writing teams are two people." "And we already kinda..." "Oh, yeah, yeah, no." "No, I'll do one, I'll do my own." "JACK:" "They should all, like, you want the scenes, guys, to run about three minutes to four minutes, tops." "BILL:" "Gotcha." "The whole packet should have like three parody pieces, a commercial piece, a political piece." "That's good." "ALLISON:" "Do you think they would want, like, a cartoon form?" "Like, 'cause I was thinking about, like, drawing them out a little bit so like, they read it almost like a comic." "JACK:" "Maybe draw a couple little cartoons next to the script." "ALLISON:" "So there's this girl and she's on a dating show, and she doesn't know that she's fighting to win the love of an alien and Sasquatch and Abe Lincoln's ghost." "All right." "And then she wins Abe Lincoln and then he's like, "I can't 'cause I'm married."" "And she's like, "Well, then, why did you even join this game show?"" "And then he's like, ""Cause I had a gun to my head."" "And then it's actually..." "It's John Wilkes Booth and he's gonna shoot him." "And then John Wilkes Booth is, like, a handsome ghost, and he's like, "Well, I'm single."" "And she's into it 'cause she likes ghosts." "That's out there." "That's awesome." "Gary Cho could play that Sasquatch, no problem." "No problem." "It's too plot heavy." "I don't like it." "(LAUGHTER)" "MAN:" "Or they have to order for him 'cause they're like..." "Hey, I've got a few friends that want to submit some writing." "Um, when would be, like, a good time to talk to Timothy about that?" "Is this like a bit?" "No, no." "No, I'm just asking." "Oh, this is like a real thing?" "Oh, never." "Don't ever talk to Timothy about your funny friends." "First year, just don't get fired." "Right, right." "So don't ever..." "So just don't ever do it during the first year?" "I'm sorry." "Was I..." "Was my, like, tone not sarcastic enough?" "Never do it." "Ever." "Um..." "Um..." "So I'm filling in for Miles today." "I have to confess, this is my first-ever time teaching so it's new for me, it's new for you, but I think it's gonna be great." "I really think you guys..." "I see bright shiny eyes and you're making me happy." "Um..." "What did I wanna talk to you about?" "I wanted to talk to you about group mind." "We're on the verge." "I feel it, right?" "So I want..." "Even when you're just coming in and doing warm-ups, zip zap zop," "I want you guys to really be connecting with each other." "Um..." "Does anybody have any questions?" "Yes." "I'm sorry." "I'm just finding this really confusing." "Good note." "Good note." "(APPLAUSE) Uh, has anybody had a particularly hard day?" "WOMAN:" "I had to come back from France early." "(IN A NASAL VOICE) Oh!" "(ALL LAUGHING)" "Oh!" "I went to Europe..." "Oh, the poor girl." "And I had to come home early!" "The poor girl had to go to Europe." "You guys..." "I had to go to France." "Oh, honey." "She had to go to Europe." "ALLISON:" "So is there anything we can do?" "I..." "This is really depressing." "I don't..." "I'm sorry..." "I donate, uh, at the office for kids who have to come back..." "Oh, yeah." "Back from Europe." "I was gonna go to Belgium." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)" "Is there anything you can do?" "I don't know." "I mean, I'm kind of dealing with my own stuff right now." "Um..." "What kind of stuff?" "I have no bone marrow." "(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)" "(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)" "Hey, guys." "Uh, this is Liz." "Hey." "Liz was at the show tonight." "We went to Naperville High School together." "Hi." "ALLISON:" "Oh, wow." "Hi." "LIZ:" "We used to do high school theater together." "We did high school theater." "We did A Midsummer Night's Dream." "That's right." "Yeah." "I used to watch her change." "What?" "(LAUGHTER)" "Yeah, that's right." "True story." "Weird." "LIZ:" "That's terrible." "This was such a nice surprise." "Oh." "Well, you know, I'm on my world tour." "And I've been following your posts on Facebook about The Commune for years, so I had to check it out." "That's so cool." "I remember in high school, you were like the star of every play, and I was always like the milkman or the messenger." "Narrator." "Narrator." "I was like a clown or the stage manager." "Watch your head on the pipe." "This is it." "You know, not huge, but neither am I." "Wow." "This is moving pretty fast." "No, no, gosh." "No, I..." "I wasn't gonna suggest that we..." "I'm not staying here." "No, no, no, I didn't think that you would." "I'm a 36-year-old woman." "I'm not gonna stay in, like, your college dorm." "No, no, of course." "Here, no, sorry." "You're misunderstanding." "I'm 36 as well." "LIZ:" "So I'm here for a few weeks." "Oh, I'd love to see you as much as, you know..." "As much as my schedule allows?" "Yeah." "Hey!" "I had a great time." "Oh." "You should come by tomorrow." "We're gonna watch Jack on TV." "Oh, yeah, yeah." "I'll do that." "Yeah." "Bye." "Oh." ""Thank you forever."" "Just be careful with those." "SAM: "Art which is most exciting today is impermanent" ""and not meant to last except as an act of love." ""It just comes out between people." ""It doesn't want to be written down." ""It passes in the moment and disappears."" "So for tomorrow, do you wanna..." "Do you want me to get you seats or do you wanna just hang out in my dressing room?" "I don't know if I can go back in that building." "Okay." "I could meet you at the party." "Yeah." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "That's good." "Yeah." "MALE TV ANNOUNCER:" "It's Weekend Live!" "We're gonna watch the show here, but Jack is gonna get us into the party." "MALE TV ANNOUNCER:" "And Jack Mercer!" "Ugh." "(SOFTLY) Fuck." "He did it." "That's our guy." "(MUSIC PLAYING) (INDISTINCT CHATTER)" "FEMALE STAGE MANAGER:" "Five, four, three, two, one." "Go!" "JACK:" "Step right up!" "I can get your tickets for you right here!" "Step right up!" "Tickets!" "Yeah." "Uh..." "I was gonna get two tickets, but I was gonna use a kiosk or whatever." "Look no further than me, friend." "I can get you tickets right here and I can get 'em for you at a G-R-E-A-T price!" "Not funny." "Skillful, but not funny." "It's like when something sounds funny, but it isn't funny." "Please welcome ELEL." "(AUDIENCE CHEERING)" "(MUSIC PLAYING)" "ROBBIE:" "We gotta go!" "Dude, I'm coming!" "I'm coming!" "Just give me one second." "Do not leave without me!" "ROBBIE:" "No room for your funny friends, Jack!" "Robbie, do not leave without me!" "We'll go, we'll hang outside the Time Warner..." "LINDSAY:" "Jack said meet him at the stage door." "MILES:" "Stage door?" "We're not waiting outside a building." "Why not?" "He's probably there looking for us right now." "That's not even where the party is!" "Let's go." "Fine." "Liz and I are not doing that." "We are 36-year-old adults." "(CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING) CROWD:" "Lena!" "Lena!" "Lena!" "Lena!" "Excuse me." "Sorry." "Sorry." "Sorry." "Hey." "Hey, uh, you think any more of 'em will come out?" "That's probably it." "Hey, my man, you know where the party's at?" "I don't know." "Where'd you get that picture?" "Oh, that's our friend Jack." "I don't know who he is." "I just found it on a message board." "That's my boyfriend." "Okay." "That's my arm around him in that picture." "Yeah, that's her." "Yeah." "Can you guys, like, give me a little space or something?" "Yeah." "I'm taking off, you guys." "I think Liz and I are done." "Yeah, I'm outta here." "Really?" "(MUSIC PLAYING)" "Excuse me." "Hey." "Have a seat." "JACK:" "Thank you." "You were very good." "Thank you so much." "It's just been so surreal." "Don't thank me now." "It's weak." "Right." "Thank me if I don't fire you after the first season." "(NERVOUS CHUCKLE) Right." "Yeah." "I'm kidding." "Oh." "But I got you something." "I'm gonna give you a hint." "It's Swedish." "It's wooden." "It's a bicycle." "Oh." "Yeah, when Bjork did the show, she brought her designer, Artipelag, and he made that by hand." "Really?" "Thank you so much." "I..." "Um..." "Uh, should I take it back over to my table, or..." "Oh, we'll store that for you." "Gotcha." "Gotcha." "Or you could ride." "Oh." "(THUD)" "Hey." "Mmm." "Oh, boy, there she is." "Mmm." "(SOFTLY) Hi." "No, buddy." "Hello." "Ain't happening'." "(VOMITS)" "That was like a baby bird." "You know what?" "I'm gonna sleep on the couch." "You sleep in here." "(GROANS)" "(MUMBLING)" "(BLENDER WHIRRING)" "(BLENDER STOPS)" "Hello." "Mmm-mmm." "SAM:" "Oh, hello." "Yeah, Timothy recommended these." "Um..." "They were imported from Holland." "God." "He gave them to Dorothy Goodwin when she went into rehab." "(CHUCKLES) Oh!" "Not these particular flowers." "I'm just saying, you know, it's from that place." "Rehab flowers." "Yeah." "Hey." "Sweetie." "I am so sorry about last night." "I'm so sorry and we're gonna get through this, okay?" "I know." "All right?" "Thank you." "All right." "Love you." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "Where you going?" "I, uh..." "I gotta go to work." "He had a seizure last week, actually, which is not a good sign." "Really?" "Yeah." "We're all really on edge." "God, that sucks, Bill." "I'm sorry." "Yeah." "It's been pretty grim." "It's been pretty grim, you know?" "So, here's our writing packet." "Yes." "All right." "Yeah." "We worked really hard on it." "Yeah, it's good." "It's good." "Got it." "No, no, okay, guys, absolutely." "Um..." "Thanks." "You're welcome." "Yeah." "Remember, don't thank me yet, all I can do is try to get it toward Timothy's desk." "You know what I mean?" "Yeah." "Much appreciated." "Yeah." "Absolutely." "But I want you to also know that I am recommending everybody." "You know, I'm recommending you guys and Miles, and you know..." "Yeah." "Miles, yeah." "Just remember, we're the two that have never talked shit about you, you know?" "So..." "(LAUGHS)" "(INDISTINCT CHATTER)" "You know, Miles, I'm gonna put in a good word for you, but it's not my job to give." "Right." "But they'll want me, right?" "(SIGHS)" "I..." "I taught you." "I know." "I taught you everything." "Just tell them that." "They have Jack Mercer, now they can get his teacher." "(SIGHS)" "I'm gonna..." "I'm gonna recommend all you guys." "'Cause I think that's only fair." "This is very unattractive." "Your little hat..." "And your attitude." "This whole, like, "I'm bigger than everybody."" "It's like, you're just like us." "Your head is so big right now." "Your whole egocentric world..." "You're completely unaware." "You are..." "You are striking out at me right now and I don't understand why because I already told you all I can do is submit your packet and let the chips fall where they may." "MILES:" "You know, I just don't feel like he believes in me." "LINDSAY:" "My dad always told me, "The thing with an easy sell" ""is that the thing has to actually be easy to sell."" "MILES:" "What does that even mean?" "LINDSAY:" "Like, you have to have the goods." "MILES:" "Are you saying I don't have the goods?" "LINDSAY:" "I'm saying you can work on the goods instead of working on Jack." "Do the work." "MILES:" "Oh, I've been working on the goods." "What are you doing?" "Like, are you working right now?" "Are you applying for anything?" "Uh, unemployment." "Unemployment?" "Your parents own a brownstone on the Upper West Side." "Yeah, they do." "I'm separate from them." "You go to therapy twice a week." "Who pays for that?" "LINDSAY:" "I'm not having this conversation." "MILES:" "I just think it's weird that you're the richest one among us and you get checks from the government that we in some way pay for." "Don't you think that's true, Mr. COUGHLIN?" "Miles, you gotta let this one go." "Dog, dog!" "Hey, look what I got for you!" "(DOG BARKING)" "My dad bought two tickets to the Marshfield High School production of Peter Pan." "(LAUGHTER) MILES:" "Aw!" "You look like Peter Pan." "BILL:" "Oh, I think he's just nostalgic for back when I was the star of every play." "You know?" "When I was in high school," "I won the Eisner Award for most promising cartoonist, and I've never had one book published." "(CHUCKLES)" "Data's working on this graphic novel." "It's amazing." "Mmm." "Oh, I don't know." "What's it about?" "Okay." "So it's about this girl and she lives in this small town and then, well, she's a sculptor and then the whole town saves up money and sends her to the sculpture academy and then when she gets there, she never sculpts again." "Why not?" "Because she's intimidated." "Can we read it?" "Well, it's not done yet." "(KEYBOARD CLACKING)" "SAM:" "Got your back." "LINDSAY:" "Got your back." "ALLISON:" "Got your back." "GROUP:" "Got your back." "Got your back." "ALL:" "Got your back." "Got your back." "Got your back." "SARAH:" "Please welcome The Commune!" "(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)" "MILES:" "We never even really left." "ALLISON:" "No." "BILL:" "Wow." "LINDSAY:" "You just had to wish for us." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "Here I am, 58 years old and twice divorced and finally my imaginary friends return." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "MILES:" "Even if we're imaginary, we love you." "SAM:" "It's the only love you've ever felt." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) You guys..." "You feel more real than you did even when I was a kid." "MILES:" "You're such a great guy." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)" "Sorry none of your wives ever said that." "SAM:" "And the most important thing is, don't think." "Del Close was the first one who said that." "It's everything." "You don't think, you don't memorize, you don't..." "You don't get paid." "Oh!" "Gary, so true." "But isn't that kinda fun, too?" "Right?" "LINDSAY:" "Aw." "ALLISON:" "I remember that one." "What am I doing?" "LINDSAY:" "Oh, my God." "Remember that?" "ALLISON:" "Oh, yeah!" "I totally remember that one." "LINDSAY:" "Yeah." "Let's use this box for storage." "So we'll just put stuff in here." "ALLISON:" "Okay." "We could wear them for pajamas." "Nighttime with this." "Do I wanna dream in these Improv For America shirts?" "LINDSAY:" "They were supposed to go..." "Guys." "You're not gonna believe what I just found." "Do you remember this?" "These tuxedos my dad gave us after he bought out that dry cleaner?" "We used to actually wear these in shows." "All right, what are we thinking?" "Storage or garbage?" "Oh, no, storage." "People loved these." "Why'd we stop wearing them?" "It's so small." "I'm so small." "They were fun to wear." "Not a bad idea." "I was seriously worried that other teams were gonna rip off the idea." "Do you guys feel like this whole process is kinda like life telling us to just maybe move on?" "Your writing packet is really good, you guys." "You know, like, Weekend Live would be lucky to have you." "ALLISON:" "Oh, my old..." "You don't want it?" "LINDSAY:" "No." "BILL:" "I feel like your 20s are all about, like, hope, and then your 30s are all about realizing how dumb it was to hope." "Oh, my God." "Look at you." "You look like a little claymation seven-year-old." "ALLISON:" "Wait, let me see." "BILL:" "That's me, that's a boy." "(ALL LAUGHING)" "LINDSAY:" "Who is the one who looks like he's made of flour and water?" "BILL:" "I was 21 years old." "Like, without The Commune, who am I?" "You know, it's like when I go to the grocery store and people treat me like I don't exist." "I'm in my head, I'm like, "Well, I got a secret." ""I go onstage, I kill." "I crush, I'm a superhero."" "But without improv..." "I'm kinda just a loser." "MILES:" "So it was like a silent meditation retreat?" "Yeah." "In Brazil." "And everyone was quiet." "Okay." "For days." "(LAUGHS) Okay." "It was incredible." "It was like I could hear myself think for the first time," "I think, in my whole life." "I bet you got in trouble for humming." "What do you mean?" "'Cause you hum." "I remember that from algebra class." "What?" "Mrs. Green always used to get mad because you would hum while you were doing equations." "You'd get this faraway look in your eye and you'd just start humming." "I could never figure out what the song was." "Okay, you know way too much about me." "Oh, that's the tip of the iceberg." "No, you're freaking me out." "I'm onto you!" "Now will you sleep in my college dorm?" "No!" "I like you." "I like me, too." "(CHUCKLES)" "(SOFTLY) You just said, "I like me, too."" "No, I didn't." "No." "Yes, you did." "You totally did." "The point is, I like you, too." "Mmm." "Oh, hey." "MILES:" "Hey." "What's going on?" "(CLICKS TONGUE)" "I snuck out early to go to a pharmacy." "I'm pregnant." "Oh!" "Um..." "Great." "(CHUCKLES)" "That was fast." "Usually it takes at least four to six visits." "No, it's this guy I met in Brazil." "I'm pretty sure." "The silent retreat guy?" "Yeah." "The silent guy?" "You guys just got straight to it, no talking?" "Yeah." "No words required." "Um..." "Is he gonna be the dad, or..." "No." "He's young." "Young?" "15?" "Illegal?" "What kinda thing?" "I can keep a secret." "The first thing I thought when I found out was, I can't keep it." "But then it hit me." "I'm not 19." "(EXHALES)" "I gotta tell you something." "Yeah?" "I didn't... (SNIFFLES)" "(STUTTERS) What is it?" "I didn't go to my Weekend Live audition." "I just didn't go." "Why?" "I mean, why?" "Why wouldn't you go?" "I don't know." "I freaked out." "I..." "Life is so short and I feel like you have to do things that you believe in or what is the point of all of this?" "All right, yeah." "And I watch that show and it's not for me." "I like my life how it is right now." "I like The Commune." "I know, Sam." "I know." "The day you guys asked me to join The Commune was the greatest day of my life." "It was the greatest day of my life." "But honey, you can't do improv forever, okay?" "It ends, all right?" "And I don't want it to end either, but it will." "It just will." "We've gotta jump to the next lily pad." "But I like this lily pad." "(SIGHS) Honestly, you should be on this show." "You'd be better than me." "Okay?" "(SNIFFLES)" "(SIGHS)" "JACK:" "Think if, uh, I invited the producers to come to my improv show they would come?" "'Cause I just want 'em to see Sam again." "(SCOFFS)" "Okay." "I don't even wanna go to your improv show." "(LAUGHS)" "The only universe I see that happening in is if you got the host to go, then maybe they would tag along." "Zip!" "Zap!" "Zop!" "Zip!" "Zap!" "Zop!" "Zip!" "Zap!" "Wait, where's Miles?" "He's in Naperville with Liz." "(MACHINE WHIRRING) What are they doing?" "LINDSAY:" "The new guy is sanding the walls." "Who's the new tenant?" "BILL:" "Urban Outfitters." "...placards." "Anyway, but it's a really beautiful neighborhood with great restaurants." "You know..." "Zop!" "Zap!" "Zip!" "Zop!" "Zap!" "Zip!" "Sorry." "(LINDSAY GROANS)" "You know what?" "We should get onstage." "All right." "You sure?" "ALL:" "Got your back." "Got your back." "Got your back." "Got your back." "SAM:" "And we are The Commune!" "(AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING)" "Uh, has anyone had a particularly hard day?" "JIM:" "Do the ticket taker guy!" "(LAUGHTER)" "(APPLAUSE)" "That's a character that Jack played on TV, yeah." "Uh, could we get a different suggestion?" "WOMAN 1:" "Weekend Live!" "(LAUGHTER)" "That is the name of a television show." "You nailed that." "Um..." "Anything..." "Anything else?" "WOMAN 2:" "Ben Stiller?" "SAM:" "Ben Stiller." "Ben Stiller is a member of tonight's audience, correct." "Yeah, I'm not..." "Yeah." "SAM:" "Uh..." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)" "Anything about a personal hard day?" "Something that happened to you?" "Uh... (CLEARS THROAT)" "Here, here!" "I got a bushel of tickets!" "(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)" "I mean, there's no show, but I got tickets!" "(LAUGHTER)" "I got tickets!" "Holy mackerel, look at you!" "Is that Gena Rowlands, the actress?" "(APPLAUSE) (COMICAL LAUGH)" "It's not." "I'm just a regular ticket-loving lady." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)" "You're telling me you're not Gena Rowlands, huh?" "I'm telling you I'm not Gena Rowlands." "This is my improv group." "This is Ben, guys." "Hi, I'm Ben." "How's it going?" "Hi." "Great show." "Great show, you guys were great." "Really, really funny." "Uh, thanks, but you don't have to say that." "No, I know I don't have to say it." "Right." "Right." "BEN:" "You guys were great." "Okay, I'm sorry, I have to ask, I've always wondered." "Like, when you wake up in the morning, are you just like," ""Oh, my God, I'm Ben Stiller"?" "BEN:" "Um... (CLICKS TONGUE)" "Yeah." "Probably in the same way you wake up in the morning and go," ""I'm Allison." (GROUP CHUCKLES)" "In Heavyweights and Dodgeball and Reality Bites, you've never shied away from playing an unlikable character." "Like, what gives you that courage?" "BEN: (CLICKS TONGUE) Um..." "Wow." "You know, I never really thought of myself as unlikable, but..." "Oh..." "I didn't..." "You're not." "BEN:" "No, no, no, I'm just saying as the character, obviously..." "You know." "Did you think that the Reality Bites guy was unlikable?" "My question is who wrote the Eddie Munster sketch?" "Did you write it?" "Uh, yeah, yeah." "With my buddy, Jeff Kahn." "That's the best sketch." "That's such a..." "It was the best." "Long time ago." "LINDSAY:" "I didn't think you were unlikable in that." "BEN:" "Oh, no, no, no." "I know." "I mean, I'm just..." "Is the bathroom right over here?" "Yeah, right over there." "All right, be right back." "Yeah?" "Just go to the right there." "Guys." "This is awesome." "It's great." "(JACK SHUSHING)" "Please don't ask so many questions, okay?" "This isn't 60 Minutes." "Wow." "My students just arrived." "I see Gary and some of the other guys, so I'm gonna go hang out with them." "Why?" "Why?" "Why?" "'Cause I don't wanna get scolded tonight." "I'm not gonna scold you." "Why, was I..." "Am I scolding?" "I don't understand, I was..." "Was I scolding you guys?" "Wait, don't sit here." "Ben'll sit here." "No, no." "There are two types of bad shows." "There's the type of bad show where you all sell each other out onstage and nobody hangs out afterwards and then there's the type of bad show where you all go down together and then you come to the bar afterwards and you laugh about it." "And that is the type of bad show that I want you guys to have." "Yeah, no, yeah, we do that all the time." "SAM:" "You gotta love each other, okay?" "You gotta be willing to be broke." "You gotta be willing to hit rock bottom." "Together!" "Oh, we're definitely broke." "I mean, we all share a one bedroom in Bushwick." "It's terrible, so I mean, we..." "Way to own it, guys!" "This is a game called Blurt." "You pick one person, you say the first thing about them that comes to your mind." "Connor." "Go!" "You're fat." "You're dangerous." "You're a little slow." "Uh, this game hurts my feelings." "20 years from now, oceans are gonna rise and wipe out the Eastern Seaboard and no one's gonna care who made what album whereas the Beach Boys has already had a 50-year run." "I mean, we're still talking about Pet Sounds now and that came out, what, in '67?" "No, nobody's talking about Pet Sounds." "CONNOR:" "But in 2050, are people gonna know who Drake is?" "JOSH:" "Once the Eastern Seaboard's flooded are you gonna care about the Beach Boys?" "I would argue that..." "SAM:" "Yeah, more!" "More!" "Surfing songs will be more relevant." "Because there'd be more water surface area." "Yeah." "(MUSIC PLAYING)" "(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)" "(SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE)" "(MACHINE WHIRRING)" "Uh, these are some writing samples from some of the improvisers in my group and they're really a talented bunch of guys." "I just wondered if you wanted to look at 'em." "Jack, you should worry about yourself." "Oh, okay." "TIMOTHY:" "I'm cutting you from Jugglers with Vertigo." "Oh, okay." "You know, you're not what we call a pure talent." "You're not a virtuoso." "You're the kind of player who should write for himself." "And if I don't get it, then I'll move to Naperville with you guys." "Miles." "No." "You don't..." "This isn't for you." "This is..." "No, this is for me." "I'm just..." "Maybe give me a chance?" "Come on." "If it's a boy we name him Rodrigo." "To respect his Brazilian roots." "(LAUGHS)" "Rodrigo." "Have an open mind." "I know when you look at me," "I get what you're seeing, but I'm also..." "I want to think that I can be better than that." "(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)" "MILES:" "Tickets are now on sale for our show this weekend at the 45th Street Lounge." "(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CONTINUES)" "HECKLER:" "Will Jack be there?" "Uh, no, he has a show that night, but this is kind of like a test run for a longer run." "And if it goes well, we'll have more shows, and then Jack will definitely be at those." "AUDIENCE:" "Oh!" "Oh!" "You wouldn't "aww" if you knew him better." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)" "How much are tickets?" "They're $45, but down the road there may be discounts." "Uh, but don't wait for down the road, okay, 'cause, uh, we don't know that there's gonna be a road to go down." "So please come." "And we know that's more expensive than you're used to paying for our shows, but, um, you know, we promise that it'll be of a high quality and we're just trying to keep the thing alive, so..." "Uh, thanks." "Okay." "Anybody had a particularly hard day?" "HECKLER:" "Yeah, we're sad Jack's not here." "He was a very good man." "(SIGHS)" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)" "Loved him." "I loved him so much." "He died so young." "Um..." "But not as young as you think he is." "(LAUGHTER) And he also had bad skin." "ALLISON:" "Mmm." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)" "I miss him." "When you talked to him, he would "uh-huh" and really be there and you could almost forget that he was just waiting for you to stop talking so he could talk." "ALLISON:" "Yeah." "Friends, I have terrible news." "Worse than Jack being dead?" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)" "Um, it turns out Jack is really popular in heaven." "And, uh, his new friends are having a funeral for him there." "In heaven?" "Uh, yeah, in Brooklyn." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)" "And, uh, they have his body." "BILL:" "What?" "MILES:" "Yeah." "What's in this casket?" "Uh, it's just his headshot." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "(MACHINE WHIRRING)" "(DOOR OPENS)" "Let me help you with that there." "You got a memento from the theater there, huh?" "Maybe I'll keep the theater going somewhere." "(CHILDREN YELLING INDISTINCTLY)" "Okay." "I gotta go to work." "(DOOR CLOSES)" "JACK:" "We've got "Scooby-Doo gets put down."" ""Kim Jong-un on The Bachelorette."" "(BLOWS RASPBERRY) They're not getting on." "ROBBIE:" "Is there anything from your live shows?" "Any, like, go-to characters you do?" "(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)" "LOU:" "All right, so we're in the red." "Live and learn." "You can keep that." "BONNIE:" "I heard from my guy at Weekend Live about your writing sample." "It's not gonna happen for you there, Miles." "Did you talk to Bonnie?" "Yeah." "We didn't get it." "(TV PLAYING)" "So all of us got rejected?" "Fuck." "JACK:" "It's got two bedrooms, new kitchen, beautiful bathroom." "BEN:" "Is that a toilet?" "Well, obviously the bathroom is in the kitchen." "Oh." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "And then who are they?" "Oh!" "Those are two small orphans." "Hi." "Hi." "BEN:" "Orphans?" "JACK:" "The apartment comes with these two orphans." "But you can put a piece of furniture in front of 'em if you want to." "Maybe put 'em in a hamper." "He can't do that." "BEN:" "And does the landlord mind if I paint?" "We've been replaced by Ben Stiller." "Fuck that!" "I'm goin' to the party." "(INDISTINCT CHATTER)" "MILES:" "Hey, Jack!" "Oh, excuse me." "One second." "Miles, what's goin' on?" "What are you guys doing here?" "We saw the show tonight." "One of those sketches looked pretty familiar, actually." "JACK:" "We can talk about this, but not right here." "No, right now!" "Why don't you just grab a drink, hang out." "Everything okay, Jack?" "We're fine." "We're good." "You're a fucking thief!" "Miles, you know what?" "You don't understand how hard this job is, okay?" "I have tried to sell you." "It is not easy." "Ow!" "Oh, my God!" "Are you okay?" "I'm fine, I'm fine." "Okay, you're goin' outside." "Hey!" "Hey!" "I don't respond to that." "BILL:" "What?" "Hold on, what's going on?" "MILES:" "Wow!" "Jesus!" "Miles, that wasn't the fuckin' plan." "That's just how I felt." "I'm sorry." "What the fuck, Miles?" "What happened?" "I stuck up for all of us." "And I'm goin' back in there!" "BILL:" "You fucking psycho!" "Miles, just relax." "Where were you?" "LINDSAY:" "I was out here." "Doing what?" "I didn't wanna embarrass myself in front of my co-workers." "What does that mean?" "I got the writing job on Weekend Live." "Motherfucker!" "(GRUNTS)" "BILL:" "They gave it to you?" "ALLISON:" "You didn't even tell us you were submitting." "That is so weird." "We showed you our packet." "We showed you our shit and you didn't even say a thing?" "LINDSAY:" "I didn't think I was gonna get it, and I was embarrassed." "BILL:" "That is so shady." "And you're not even gonna last five minutes there." "'Cause you have no work ethic." "Bill's right." "You've taken nine years and you still haven't finished your doodle book." "I think what kills me is that you don't even know what it's like to work." "You've had everything in your life handed to you on a silver platter." "I didn't get handed this!" "I turned in a writing submission and it was good!" "No one wants to say this, Miles, but you don't have it." "You were never inches away from anything." "Fuck you, Lindsay." "You won't, 'cause I'm not 22 and I'm not your student." "(SIGHS)" "You gotta let go, Miles." "All this Weekend Live shit is meaningless." "You've got The Commune." "We only got one more show." "I don't wanna do it alone." "SARAH:" "Please welcome The Commune!" "(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)" "Has anybody had a particularly hard day?" "TONY:" "Yeah, you have." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)" "You're right." "You're right." "I have had a hard..." "Month." "And I just feel like I'm..." "I feel like I'm in a..." "Guys!" "I'm down here!" "I'm in a well!" "(GASPS) (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)" "(MIMICS LINDSAY) Sam is in a well?" "Oh, my God, this is a disaster!" "(MIMICS ALLISON) Oh, no, she's in a well!" "Oh, what will we do?" "She's in a well, oh, my God!" "It's so bad, it's so bad!" "(NORMAL VOICE) Guys, stop worrying about me." "I'm fine." "I..." "I actually kinda like it down here." "It's quiet and it's cool." "There's water." "Oh!" "Ow." "Ow." "Is somebody throwing pennies?" "(CHANGES VOICE) Um, sorry, milady." "I was making a wish for my dying Aunt Fiona." "(NORMAL VOICE) Oh!" "That's an unplaceable accent you've got there." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)" "But if it's for your sick Aunt Fiona, please." "Is that my boyfriend Jack?" "(MIMICS JACK) Yeah." "What do you need?" "I'll get it for you, I got it." "(NORMAL VOICE) No, I..." "I'm fine." "That's what I want you to know, is that I'm fine." "You don't have to worry about me." "JACK:" "I'm not worried about you, honey." "I'm not worried at all." "I'm just here to support you." "(APPLAUSE)" "Uh..." "Hey." "What's goin' on?" "(LAUGHTER)" "Did you, uh, fall in a well?" "I did." "Ah!" "Yes, because that's..." "Yes." "Uh, but you don't have to worry about me, because I like it down here." "No, I will not leave you, okay?" "I'm lowering down the bucket." "Oh, you could never pull me up, though." "I have very heavy bones." "I'm fully aware of that, and I took precautions." "Those magical beans that were sitting on the counter this morning?" "I ate those and they gave me super strength." "Honey, I'm so sorry to tell you, but those were just black beans from Chipotle." "Right." "But the good thing is that" "I hired a wizard, who was surprisingly affordable and he cast a spell over those beans and now I have super strength." "I'm just saying, you know, I am not gonna leave you." "Sam." "SAM:" "Honey." "(SOFTLY) Maybe I belong in the well." "I think we both know it's over." "It's okay." "SAM:" "Del Close once said," ""Watching great improv is like watching" ""people put the plane together when they're already in the sky."" "It's not meant to last, except as an act of love." "It passes in a moment and disappears." "(BABY CRYING)" "(MILES CHUCKLES)" "Hello, hello!" "Oh, my God." "Hi." "Oh, my gosh!" "You're great!" "(BABY CRYING)" "Oh!" "He's sad!" "Oh!" "Don't cry!" "Don't be sad!" "You're in America." "SAM:" "Before Weekend Live and Second City and ImprovOlympic and all the TV shows that came out of these theater movements," "Viola Spolin and Paul Sills and Del Close and a bunch of people in Chicago and San Francisco in the 1950s and '60s created this art form." "My dad lived one kind of lifestyle," "I live a very different lifestyle." "He didn't always understand me, but he always respected me." "(BABY COOING) BILL:" "I loved that about my dad." "The last six months, I got to know my dad better than the rest of our lives combined." "Listen, I'll be on the next train home, all right?" "It's not even gonna make dress, so don't worry about it." "Bye." "Hey, great service." "Thank you so much, Father." "That was great." "I missed just a tiny bit." "Thanks, buddy." "MILES:" "Wait, so who wins Jenga?" "BILL:" "Hey, guys." "Hey." "Thanks for making it down." "I know it's not very convenient, so... (INDISTINCT TALKING) Yeah, buddy, absolutely, man." "Thanks for letting me and Liz and Rodrigo crash in the guest room." "Yeah, no sweat, man." "He has your eyes, you know?" "(LAUGHS)" "Not my biological son." "(LAUGHTER)" "LINDSAY:" "I don't know." "You look pretty Brazilian." "BILL:" "Yeah, and the consistency of the hair is uncanny." "(LAUGHTER)" "(MIMICKING MR. COUGHLIN) "Thank you."" "BILL:" "Aw, man!" "That is entirely unacceptable." "He's dead." "That's a dead man you're mocking." "ALLISON, LINDSAY AND SAM:" "(MIMICKING MR. COUGHLIN) "Thank you."" "Um, I just called a car to come get Jack, bring him to the train station, so maybe we'll wait outside for that, and then after that," "I can show you guys the theater." "Oh, yeah?" "What's the theater?" "BILL:" "Well, my dad actually bought this old porn theater and we're gonna fix it up, turn it into an improv space." "ALLISON:" "Yeah, we're gonna teach and have shows." "We're actually doing a show for Data's graphic novel." "SAM:" "Oh!" "LINDSAY:" "You finished it." "Yeah." "JACK:" "Thatta girl." "(DOG BARKING)" "MILES:" "Well, that's you, Jack." "JACK:" "Yeah." "Well, here we go, guys." "Bye, Jack." "Have a good one." "See ya." "See ya, see ya." "Bye-bye." "You know, I think maybe I'll go to the theater with you guys." "How 'bout that?" "No." "It's the last train to New York." "You gotta get on it." "Yeah, but..." "You know you're cutting it close." "We love you, pal." "LINDSAY:" "All right, I'll see you Monday at work." "Billy." "ALLISON:" "Got your back." "Bye." "(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)" "(CAR ENGINE STARTS)" "SAM: (GASPS) Wow." "Come on!" "Well, it needs a lot of work, but it's ours." "We get to program the whole thing and we're just gonna try to find some, like, local kids who are hungry, try to build a scene here in town, you know?" "Has anyone had a particularly hard day?" "You." "I buried my dad." "SAM:" "Oh!" "(INAUDIBLE)"