"to a dreadful dynasty of vicious vampire ducks." "The Counts of Duckula!" "Legend has it that these fowl beings can be destroyed... by a stake through the heart or exposure to sunlight." "This does not suffice, however... for they may be brought back to life... by means of a sacred rite... that can be performed once a century... when the moon is in the eighth house of Aquarius!" " Batswing blood." " I'll get it!" "The latest reincarnation did not run according to plan." "Ooh!" "In the heart of Transylvania" "In the Vampire Hall of Fame, yeah" "There's not a vampire zanier than" "Duckula" "He won't bite beast or man" "'Cause he's a vegetarian" "And things never run to plan for" "Duckula" "If you're lookin' for some fun" "You can always count upon" "The far-out, wacky one they call" "Duckula" "Heh heh!" "Count Duckula!" "Heh heh heh!" "On a jagged finger of rock stands Castle Duckula... known only in the nearby village as..." "Castle Duckula." "It is the grim and fearful home... of the last in a long line of vampire barons..." "Count Duckula!" "It's Nanny, Master Duckula... with your hot cocoa and chocky bickies." "Oh, good." "Come in, Nanny." "Nanny, why can't you come through the door like everyone else?" "Oh, the door!" "Oh!" "I'd forgotten all about it." "Hang on." "I'm very sorry, milord." " I might've been killed!" " I know, sir." "And I haven't paid the electricity bill... from the last time you brought me back to life." "Yes, sir, l" "Ah, got it right this time." "Heh!" "Come in!" "Nanny, now look what you've done." "Oh, Duckypoos, you said to come through the door." "I give up." "I just give up." "Cocoa and chocky bickies." "Huh!" "Chocky bickies." "There!" "I do wish you wouldn't do that, Nanny." "Not half as much as I do." "Last time you killed three chambermaids and a footman." "Oh, they was only part time, sir." "And the little blonde one never dusted the picture rails." "That is it!" "I am not standing any more of this." "I am giving up my title!" "I am going to run away to South America!" "Oh, sir!" "Think of the family name." "Huh!" "Who wants to think "Duckula"?" "Sir, come with me into the picture gallery." "Let me remind you of your proud inheritance." "Uh-uh!" "I am not coming!" "Nanny will have to stay here while she rebuilds the dining room." "So, what's one more time?" "Oh, sir!" "Here!" "Hang on, you lot." "What's up, guv?" "I like the look of that there castle." "What's the guidebook say?" "Um, hang about." "Castle Duckula, ancestral home of the Duckula family... traditional vampire barons of Transylvania." "'Ere, guv, vampires!" "Oh, don't be stupid." "It just says that to get the tourists in." "Get on with it." "All right." "High quality dungeons... good assortment, antique prisoners... most family silver already nicked by butler... but big collection, family portraits." "Beware of the werewolf." "Werewolf, eh?" "Ooh." "Uh, when's full moon?" "Next week, chief." "Oh, well, that's all right, then." "So, they got a lot of valualable paintings, have they?" "It'll be our best job since we done the Tower of London." "Get the gear out." "And this, milord, is Count Duckula the Third." "A delightful portrait of His Grace at an early age... biting the neck of his teddy bear." "Igor, I really don't want to hear about these old fogies." "Old fogies, sir?" "They were ancestors to be proud of." "Oh, yeah." "Why, I remember, milord, when your great-great-grandfather..." "Come on, lads." "Another fifty foot... and we'll have reached the picture gallery." "Have you got the" "Oh, chief, what's that?" "Makes your flesh creep, don't it?" "Must be the werewolf." "Come on." "Now, give it a tickle with me feather duster... and it'll be as right as rain." "She's tickling' it with a feather duster." "No wonder it's howlin'." "Hang on a mo', lads." " There!" " Oof!" "Ah..." "What's up, chief?" "Ah..." "Ah..." "A what, chief?" "Ah-choo!" " Hey!" " Whoa!" " Hey, what was that?" " Sir?" "That series of thuds, like falling bodies hitting the deck." "That'll be Nanny making pastry, milord." " Oh." " Shall I continue?" " Yes, please don't." " Thank you, sir." "Then we come, sir, to your great-uncle's great-uncle... the Archduck Merganser." "Look, Igor, I don't want to know about my boring old ancestors." "Boring, milord?" "The Archduck was far from boring." "He was a famous Egyptologist." "He spent a lifetime searching the Great Pyramid." "Pyramid?" "Where they buried the pharaohs?" "Exactly, sir." "Isn't my family interested in anything but tombs?" "A pyramid, sir, is much more than a tomb." "It is a storehouse of priceless treasures." "In his memoirs, the Archduck wrote of strange discoveries... within that massive monument." "Strange discoveries?" " A 3-wheeled deckchair." " That's strange." "A simulated snakeskin extendable canary lead." " And that's strange!" " Mmm!" "Not only that!" "But one day, as he penetrated the secret depths... of the Pharaoh Upshi's tomb... he stumbled upon a great stone altar." "Ow!" "Ha ha!" "What great stupid idiot left that there?" "Then, as he mused on this marvelous discovery..." "Marvelous?" "I nearly broke me blessed foot!" "...there entered two strange figures with weird hair..." "looking like the walking dead." "I know, I know!" "Sylvester and Stallone, huh?" " Not so, milord." " Of course they weren't!" "No, milord, they were..." "Hoomite, High Priest of the Sun God Ra... and my assistant Yubi." "Pleased to meet you, I'm sure." "Then everything went black... and the Archduck knew no more." "Knew no more what?" "Knew no more than I do where the mystic saxophone lay hidden." "The mystic saxophone?" "What the Archduck was searching for, milord." "Well, you never mentioned that!" " I'm sure I did, milord." " No, you did not!" "Here, did he mention a mystic saxophone?" "Uh, I don't know." "Did he mention a mystic saxophone?" "I don't know." "Uh, did he mention the mystic saxophone?" " Uh...no." " No." " Uh, no." " He never mentioned it." "You see?" "You never mentioned it." "Oh, I do apologize, sir." "Milord, it's rather stuffy in here." "Excuse me while I open a window." " Aah!" " Aah!" " Nanny's pastry?" " Nanny's pastry, sir." "Yes, the mystic saxophone." "Yeah, now, that does sound interesting." "Tell me more." "It was the mystic saxophone of the Pharoah Zooten Simoun the xvii." "And the legend tells that anyone who plays it... has the power over life and death... of all the forces of the universe." "Wow." "Wowee." "Wow." "I could be famous." "I could fill the Hollywood Bowl..." "Madison Square Gardens... the Transylvania Roxy." "Oh!" "Oh, no, what have I done?" "No matter." "Think what he will... the dark powers of the mystic saxophone... shall lead him not to stardom... but to a life of evil." "Yes, yes." "That's it, that's it." "We'll find the mystic saxophone." "Igor, Igor, you're the greatest." "We're off!" "We're off to Egypt!" "Ha ha!" "Come on, come on!" "Please, sir." "What will the neighbors say?" "Nah, forget the portraits." "No one's going to want to buy them anyway." "What we're going for is this here mystic saxophone." "It'll fetch millions." "Great, chief." "Yeah, where is it?" "Ah, that's the tricky bit--Egypt." " Egypt?" " Egypt?" "Egypt--that's about three thousand miles." "What, as the crow flies?" "Oh, shut up." "Now, how are we going to get there?" "Now, Egypt--valley of the kings." "Oh!" "W-What's happening?" "Oh, oh, I don't like this, chief." "We're here." "Come on, everybody." "Oh, oh!" "Isn't this thick pile carpet lovely?" "That, Nanny, is the Sahara." "Well, I knew it wasn't broadloom." "Oh, that's the best mirage I've seen all week." "Oh, that's not a mirage." "I'll bet you fifty piasters it is." " You're on." " Right, watch this." "Ooh!" "Ah, there you are." "I told you so." "They're funny looking mountains, ain't they, chief?" "Mountains?" "Stone the crows, they're pyramids." "Oh, Transylvanian pyramids." "Egyptian pyramids." "We're in Egypt." "Oh, oh." "That daft duck's given us a free trip to Egypt." "Come on, lads." "We'll get the mystic saxophone before they do." "Must be a window somewhere." "Isn't it lovely wallpaper?" "Oh, sir, let me give her a pasting." " Look, sir." " Huh?" "What?" "A statue." "Of course it's not me." "I don't look anything like that." "I mean, sir, that it is a statue to guard the dead-- a statue of the god Anubis." " Master Duckula, close your eyes." " Close my eyes?" "I won't have you looking at people with no clothes on." "What are you talking about?" "Not a nudist, Nanny, Anubis." "It's a statue of Anubis." "Oh, what's the use?" "Where are we now, Igor?" "We are in the lower chamber, sir." "You can tell by the hieroglyphics." "Ha ha, and don't tell me-- you know when you're in the upper chamber... from the lower-oglyphics." "Ha ha ha!" "Ha ha ha!" "I would rather not, if I may say so, milord, know that." "Thank you." "Ahem." "Well, come on, then." "While we're at it, we'll see if we can find out... where they buried your sense of humor." "Sense of humor." "Ugh." "Hey, Sviatoslav." "Yes, Dmitri." "What are they calling a pyramid with windows in it?" "How should I know what they are calling a pyramid with windows in it?" "A tomb with a view." "Ha ha ha!" "A tomb with a view." "So, where is this pyramid with windows?" "Oh, flap off, you silly old bat." " Oh!" " Ow!" "Whoa!" "Ow, ow, ow, ow!" "Ooh!" "Well, there's only one thing for it, lads." " What's that, chief?" " We'll have to use the door." "Come on." "Oh, look at the mess in here." "I wish I'd brought my feather duster." "Or even your feather brain." "Yes, that'd be nice." "We must be getting close to the sacred burial place of Zooten Simoun." "How do you mean, feather brain?" "What is that, sir?" "According to the guidebook, it's a ritual chest." "This is where the mummified entrails of the dead are stored." "Oh, sir, it's home from home." "And look at this-- a statue of the goddess Serket, guardian of the dead." " Serket?" " Serket." "It's very small." "That's because she was a short Serket." "Ha ha ha!" "A short Serket." "Transylvanian Roxy, here I come." "Ba da da da da da!" "Now, you lot, we're going to set a trap for Count Duckula." "Stay with me, and" " Whoa!" " Whoa!" " Aah!" " Aah!" "Waah!" "What was that?" "Well, it couldn't be Nanny's pastry this time, sir." "So, when Count Duckula and his lot... comes through the door..." " Here, pay attention." " Yeah, I am paying attention." "That, you idiot, is a mummy." "I'm over here." "Hey?" "Oh, yeah, sorry, guv." "Ha ha." "Here, guv?" " Oh, what now?" " Why are you talking to that mummy?" "Because..." "Eh?" "Oh, Gordon Bennett." " Listen." " Yes, guv?" "What happens is this." " They comes in through the door." " Through the door." "Trips over the rope." " Over the rope." " Down comes the slab." " The slab." " Wallop." " Wallop." " And the mystic saxophone is mine." " And the mystic saxophone is yours." "Ha ha!" "That's clever, that is." "Which door?" "It doesn't make any difference, because" "Shh!" "Listen." "They're coming." "Against the wall, quick." "No, no, Nanny, this is the door." "Are you sure, Duckypoos?" " Ha ha." "Duckypoos." " Yeah, yeah." "He's going to be squashypoos." "Ha ha!" "Squashypoos." "I think this is the door." "Oh, all right, have it your own way." "There you are." "I told you this was the way." "Well, Nanny, no one can say you haven't had a lot of openings in life." "Come on, Igor." "Yes, sir." "That's very good, sir-- openings in life." "I don't believe it." "I just don't believe it." "I think it was meant to be a joke, guv." "Not that, you brainless." "Oh, I'm just going back-- something I saw." "Oh, now we'll nab him." "Ah, here it is--a used piece of rope." "Oh, no." "OK." "Elastic bands in place, are they?" "Yes, guv." "Now, listen, you lot." "We pushes this here rock along the corridor, OK?" " OK." " OK." "When we reach full stretch... the peg goes in the hole, OK?" " OK." " OK." "Then when Count flippin' Duckula and his family restrainers comes along... we pulls the peg out and wallop, OK?" " OK." " OK." "All together, then." "Push!" " Uhh!" " Uhh!" "Push!" "Push!" " Ooh!" " Uhh!" "Right." "Drop the peg in." " Peg?" " Drop the peg in the hole." "I thought you had the peg." "Oh, I give it to you." "Oh." "Oh, here it is." "I got it, guv." " Whoa!" " Whoa!" "From what it said in the Archduck Merganser's memoirs..." "I think we must be nearing the ancient relic." "No, no, we've never got away from her." "No, not Nanny, master-- the mystic saxophone." "Yeah, the m-- you see, that was a joke there." "Um, you see, Igor, l--oh, forget it." "From now on, we should look out for traps." " Traps?" " lngenious traps... meant to prevent anyone reaching the saxophone." "I likes a bit of relish." "Relic, Nanny, relic." "Listen, don't talk such romantic rubbish, Igor." "I mean, there aren't any--aah!" "Oh!" "He's coming round." "Uhh." "Oh, where am I?" "You are in the secret temple of the great god Ra... you who have trespassed in Upshi's sacred tomb." "Oh." "Oh, no." "Who are you?" "I am Hoomite, High Priest of the Great God Ra... and this is my assistant Yubi." " Delighted, I'm sure." " Ah, hello." " Who might you be?" " Yes, I got that." "No, who might you be?" "I know, I know." "You said that already." "So, you will not tell me?" "Well, I hardly need to, do I?" "We shall see about that." "Yubi, you try." "Oh, very well, master." "Listen." "Ahem." "I am Yubi, right?" "No, wrong." "I am, you are." "Oh." "There, master." "He is Yewar." " So, you are Yewar." " I am not, I am not." "Ah, you are Nott." "He is not Yewar." "He is Nott." "You are Yewar." "I am not Yewar." "Oh, call me not Yewar." "I am not Yewar." "I am not Nott." "I am Yubi." "Ahem." "Look, let us get this sorted out, OK?" " I am not Nott, OK?" " OK." " I am not Yewar, OK?" " OK." "But you are Hoomite, and you are Yubi, OK?" " OK." " OK." " Whew." " But" " Yes?" " Who might you be?" "Aah!" "I can't--I can't stand anymore." "No, of course you can't stand anymore." "We've tied you to the sacrificial altar-- and serve you right." "Yes, all who trespass in the great Pharoah Upshi's sacred tomb shall die." "Hmm." "All?" "You are but the latest of many." "Our legends say that when the great god Ra... has had his fill of human sacrifice... then Upshi shall rise from the dead." "Ah, human sacrifice." "Well, more or less human sacrifice." "I mean, give or take a feather." "Now, wait a minute." "You can't do this to me." "Oh, you just hang around and see." "Ha ha!" "We must, in order that our great Pharoah Upshi may rule again." "Yes, he shall have his fill." " Who, Ra?" " And Upshi rises." "Hoorah and up she rises" "Hoorah and up she rises" "Hoorah and up she rises" "Early in the morning" "Excuse me." "Put him in the longboat till he's sober" "No, no, excuse me." "Put him in the longboat till he's sober" "Oh, please, stop." "Hey, wait a minute." "Huh?" "I think I'm going to be seasick." "Well, not in here." "Oh, excuse me." "Oh, now, then." "It is Upshi!" "He has cast off his wrappings!" "Here, you watch it, saucy." " Upshi?" " Oh!" "Oh, yes, look at that." "Look." "I don't believe it." " Upshi rises!" "Upshi rises!" " Upshi rises!" "Upshi rises!" "Nothing of the sort." "Don't be so silly." "Here, who might you be?" "He knows us!" "He knows us!" "I see Henosus, but who might you be?" "No!" "No, no, not again!" "I'm not going through all that again." "Come on, Nanny, quick!" "Follow them!" "Oh, look at that." "The poor soul." "I expect he fell off his camel." "No, Nanny, that's a mummy." "Oh, of course." "Oh, how silly of me." "I expect she fell off her camel." "Oh, sir... wouldn't that look lovely in the lobby?" "Nanny, please, don't!" "You'll drop it." "I'll what, sir?" "For goodness sake, drop it." "Oh, very good, milord." "Now, look at that." "Look at it-- the priceless converted to the worthless." "By the brainless." "Hmm." "Wait a minute." "Look, that's it!" "That's the mystic saxophone." "Did you hear that?" "I hope you washed that before you put it in your mouth." "Silence, Nanny." "A single blow, and we shall be the servants of the emperor of evil." "Oh, what a noise." "It's enough to waken the dead." "The dead." "Oh!" "Oh, no!" "What's happening?" " Oh!" " Gordon Bennett." "No!" "No, no, let go!" "Put me down!" "No, Nanny!" "Oh, milord, make her stop!" "Heh heh!" "Not likely." "This is great!" "Upshi rises, Upshi rises." "Nanny, these gentlemen are requesting the next dance." "I don't want to spoil the party, milord... but it is nearly time to return to Transylvania." "Oh, don't be a drag, Igor." "See, I told you it was a mirage." "But in the ancient desert sands... evil is once more making its foul way.... towards civilization." "I did tell you it was time, milord." "All right, all right." "Nobody likes a know-all." "Oh, oh, look at them." "Now, that's a mirage." "Good night out there... whatever you are."