"You wanna see me?" "Sorry there was rock on me." "You were getting a hot-oil massage." "My imagination will not be held prisoner to my lazy body." "Bryan, what if I told you the gardener found your puppy in the bottom of the pool?" "That he sank like a Fluffy stone?" "Oh, my God, no!" "Just kidding." "The puppy's fine." "Perspective, baby." "I wanted you to see to see how bad it could be when you saw this." "This is a rare wormley sofa I bought at auction." "I outbid James Franco just so" "I could see his neck vein throbbing in sexy frustration!" "Who would do something like this?" "I bet it was that damn surrogate's kid." "See, this is why my people spank." "Is this what having children means?" "That I have to give up all the beautiful things in my life?" "I have OCD, you know." "Obsessive Chic Disorder." "Bryan, maybe it's a good thing Goldie's pee test was negative." "If you and David have a baby, this is gonna be your lives for 18 years." "Maybe you're not ready for such a brutal change." "Also, I need a raise." "Hey, rocky." "Bryan, come on." "We're going to be late to meet Goldie." "David, look at this." "Look at this!" "Look what that miniature Sally Jesse Raphael did!" "Is that you?" "He does make that face." "(Gasps) David:" "Come on." "Shania's a kid." "Kids do stuff like this." "Obviously, if we're going to have a baby, our lives are going to change a lot." "Wait!" "I thought rent-a-belly turned out not to be in the gay family way." "Now, is she, or isn't she?" "Why are you both looking at me like that?" "'Cause you're a doctor." "The negative we got could just be 'cause it was too early for a urine test." "But this blood test detects the HCG hormone, which is the one that we want, a week after conception." "(Buzzer sounding)" "Bryan, are you mad at me 'cause my pee test was negative?" "No, honey." "Your daughter colored on my fancy couch, and frankly, I'm having a moment." "She did what?" "!" "I'm so sorry." "I'll pay to have it cleaned." "My couch was an exquisite leather antique." "Now we'll just think of it as judi dench with a tramp-stamp." "I'll knit you an Afghan to cover it up." "Please don't." "Now, look, we love watching Shania while you get settled into your new place." "She is very well behaved." "I'm sure there's an explanation." "Yeah." "I'll talk to her when I get home." "No." "You know what?" "Why don't we have Bryan talk to her?" "Ooh." "It'll be good practice for when he's a dad." "I feel so bad about this." "Oh, please don't." "Don't." "I'm used to living with imperfection." "Do you see how this side of my face is degrees more handsome than this side?" "This side?" "This side?" "I don't see it." "I'm so sorry." "I know!" "Identically handsome!" "(Laughter)" "Do you think Shania's acting out by drawing on your couch?" "Am I a terrible mom?" "No." "No." "No!" "You are a terrific mom." "Yeah." "Okay?" "You're doing all this for her." "Don't play with the buzzer." "My God, miss pepper, you look stunning today." "Can you please get the results of these samples as soon as possible?" "(Laughs)" "I wouldn't rush it if I were you." "Thing comes back positive, jig's up." "Your life won't belong to you anymore." "No, no, no." "See, that is the thing that people do not understand about parenting." "It is all about setting limits." "You are in charge." "Your life will only change as much as you let it." "(Women laughing hysterically)" "Yeah, that's good." "You are hilarious." "Goldie:" "That made me feel better." "I'm sorry to bother you, sir, but when you're done, could you please check the toilet?" "It's stopped up." "But not, um, from me." "I bet the hombre that lived here before you tried to flush his stash." "Oh, not you, amigo." "There's a bad bean in every burrito." "Nana..." "I drove 2,200 miles to get away from your opinions." "Please, just go." "You are my granddaughter, and I am not going anywhere without you and the kid." "I'll just stay in the best Western." "It's the cleanest place in the whole filthy city." "The entire state should be wrapped in a condom." "(With accent):" "Grey gardens has fallen into absolute disrepair." "Don't be embarrassed, mother darling." "Living in squalor absolutely becomes you." "What's with the lunatic?" "Oh." "She watched a documentary called grey gardens about a-a crazy mother and daughter living in a crumbling house." "And now she's pretending to be one of them." "Goldie, you have got to get goggles home." "This is home now." "No, don't say that anymore." "Your daughter has no business spending time with those candy packers in that sodom and gomorrah fudge factory!" "Do you know that when I went to pick her up earlier... because I am the only one in this family that owns a car..." "I was blinded by gay." "Those fruits are like cannibals." "All they eat is fruit." "And you will never guess what I found in the powder room." "You mind?" "Are you sure you're even supposed to be using this one?" "If I could get up now," "I would knock you on your pterodactyl ass." "But those bugle blowers saved the real kicker for their bedroom." "(Screaming echoing)" "When I was a girl, we studied presidents who owned people like this president." "There are plenty of lovely people in the world." "I just don't happen to be related to any of them." "She's a freakin' nut job!" "She can hear you!" "Please, just go!" "Fine." "Just let me know if you're pregnant." "I'd like to send a congratulations card..." "To Satan." "(Phone plays tune)" "It's been more than an hour, so my pizza's free." "It's me." "Oh, Nana, thank God." "Did you make Goldie love me again?" "Stop whining!" "Grow a pair, put on pants, get on a plane, and stop your lady from screwing up her life." "Yeah, what do I do about my pizza?" "What is up?" "Your sucky suck game sucks more than you usually suck." "Yeah?" "I'm a little distracted." "Debating on whether to share a little piece of life news." "Oh, so you do know how to share, just not the ball." "Pass it, man!" "Aah!" "Can you bend it?" "Could be a ligament." "Could be a scaphoid fracture along the carpus here." "Let's go to my office and get an X-ray." "Guys!" "Ryan and I may be having a baby." "Oh." "No!" "Homosexuality is the ultimate form of birth control!" "How could you do this to us, David?" "What?" "Do what?" "What are you talking about?" "Don't you know?" "!" "We live through you!" "When you watch hockey without multitasking a game of candyland... every single time, all of us..." "we pretend to be you, just without the guy-on-guy sex." "That's funny." "I thought you guys would be happy for us." "Hearing about your life without kids... that's what makes us happy!" "And now you've screwed it all up!" "You're gay!" "You could've avoided this whole parenting mess!" "You could have gotten out alive, man." "I have a three-year-old son and six-month-old twin girls." "Do you know the last time I made love to my wife?" "Seriously." "I'm asking you." "Do you know?" "Because I don't!" "They say you don't know real love till you have children." "Yes, you do." "It's called spare cash, free time and daylight masturbation." "I don't know anything about the guy who invented sleep deprivation as a torture technique." "The one thing I do know..." "that dude's got kids." "You guys are scaring me." "Couldn't have told me all this before I went into that little room with the cup and the Kevin bacon DVD?" "Breathe deep, man." "These are your last moments of freedom." "I'm letting the couch thing go." "I mean, it's just stuff." "Right?" "It's not like stuff can love you, or stuff can take care of you in your old age." "Then again, I don't really intend to age." "It's just so expected, you know?" "What's wrong with you?" "Looks like you just learned the green lantern is gay all over again." "The guys are right." "If Goldie's test is positive, our lives are over." "Yes, David, it's just like the schoolyard song." "(Reciting rhythmically):" "Bryan and David, sittin' in a tree k-I-s-s-I-n-g." "First comes love, then comes the inability to marry, then comes a stranger and an invasive medical procedure, then comes the baby in the baby carriage." "It's just, I went from med school to my practice, always so responsible." "I mean, when was the last time we went to a bar and cut loose?" "I don't know." "The night we met?" "Excuse me?" "Uh, is this seat taken?" "It's for my date." "But I don't think he's coming." "I got stood up." "You dodged a bullet." "Anyone who'd stand you up must be crazy." "Oh, my God, I thought that, too, but I thought I was the only one." "You want to sit?" "Oh." "I was supposed to meet Lance bass." "Oh, I don't know him." "Closeted singer?" "From n*sync?" "Got nothing?" "Are you sure you're in the right type of bar, sir?" "Oh, uh, you see those guys over there in the corner?" "Yeah." "Those are my boys." "Well, aren't you the piggy eater." "Oh, no, they're not like me." "Us." "Uh, we just graduated med school today." "That's a lot of reading." "Well, I was out all day celebrating with their girlfriends, so they wanted to support me with my thing." "Oh." "Actually, I've never been to one of these places before." "Real smoky." "Good God, no wonder you keep those things sheathed." "They're the color of Picasso's most overrated period, or... or a box from Tiffany." "Can I...?" "(Clears throat)" "May I buy you another drink?" "I'll leave right after, I promise." "It's just, my-my friends are really rooting for me, and I don't want to let them down." "Come on." "Let's dance." "Huh?" "I don't really do that." "You've never danced with a boy before, have you?" "One that, you know, leads?" "It's bananarama, sweetie." "We all do." "Okay, so it's a plan." "This week we are going out just like we used to." "Or like we never did." "Yes." "Before we fully morph into an old lesbian couple." "Mm." "Minus the frowns and the gingerbread men bodies." "My first instinct was to never address the couch issue." "Just to use my energy to wish you nothing but the worst." "No friends at recess, female pattern baldness and a shampoo without a single botanical." "But David said, "no, be direct."" "So I decided to fire you." "Except you don't work for me in any official capacity." "(With accent):" "Do you know of any libra men?" "I find them so reasonable." "In an attempt to practice my parental skills," "I've decided to use words instead." "You colored on my expensive couch, and I am very upset." "What do you have to say for yourself?" "I would never." "I have too much regard for antiquities of all kinds." "Are you doing little Edie from grey gardens?" "Oh, what a clever judge of character!" "Obsessed with that documentary!" "I wanted to be little Edie for Halloween, but my mother said I couldn't." "She said I could go as one of the feral cats." "But joke's on my mom, though, 'cause boots was a lady cat." "Wait." "Are you trying to distract me?" "'Cause you're still in a lot of trouble, miss." "If you can't get a man to propose, then you might as well be dead." "Oh, I got another one." "Do it again." "If you can't get a man to propose, then you might as well be dead." "You just stay on the 405, and you get off at sepulveda." "Oh, okay." "Oh, looks like you two worked it out." "Well." "Come on, baby." "Nana said I could only use the car until bill O'Reilly's done." "Time to go home." "No, I want to stay here." "I like it here too, Shania." "They don't use old mail as coasters, but it's not our home." "Let's go." "You can come back and swim tomorrow." "Ryan and I are going dancing." "Which is why David is dressed like one of Madonna's boyfriends." "What?" "What's the matter with this?" "This is my young outfit." "Hmm." "See ya." "Oh, mother darling, must we go back to grey gardens?" "I can't bear the stench of dying dreams." "Why is she dressed like a hasidic grandma?" "(Dance music playing)" "(Sighs)" "How funny is Shania's little Edie impression?" "Yeah, who is little Edie?" "I hate it when you pretend not to know gay stuff so you seem less gay." "But I don't know who that is." "See?" "That's exactly what I'm talking about." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Feels late." "Ooh, 9:45." "Did we tape say yes to the dress?" "Season pass." "Love you." "Bry..." "We're here to recapture our youth, but no matter how fast we chase after it..." "We're never gonna catch it." "So why don't we stop chasing and admit defeat." "Okay." "We're getting older." "You are." "And I've agreed to be your youthful companion until you wither and die." "You know what?" "I don't care if my life changes." "I want it to." "I want this baby." "I want this family." "I want it all." "And you know what?" "I want it with you." "Man:" "Mmm." "Hey... you guys?" "Young man, we are old enough to be your fathers." "Are we cougars?" "There's something else I want, too." "The good news is..." "Once we're tired of using these as curtains, we can take naps in them." "I know we've been going through a lot of changes lately." "You, uh..." "You want to talk about what's going on?" "Oh, no, mother darling." "All that oxygen to the teeth promotes decay." "Shania..." "Do you keep pretending to be this "evie" person because you think it's not okay to be you?" "I don't know." "(Knocking on door)" "(Splutters)" "Oh, hey." "Oh, hi." "Did you guys get blood test results?" "Is that why you're here?" "David:" "No, no, no." "Not yet." "Sorry to just drop in." "We'd say we were in the neighborhood, but you'd know we were lying." "Hey, Shania, who's your little friend?" "This is my pet raccoon Buster." "He thrives on pâté." "Bryan:" "Well, this place is like..." "Shabby chic, without all that pesky chic." "Mother's trying hard to find a style." "It's truly astonishing and abominable." "That's little Edie." "That's little Edie." "I thought you guys were going out dancing." "Oh, no, we actually cut out early because we would like to give you a little bit of a housewarming gift." "You guys didn't have to." "You've already been so good to us." "Your housewarming gift is..." "A new house!" "They're in shock." "I think they're in shock." "It's our guest house." "It's got two bedrooms." "Full laundry." "With a cotton candy maker." "Well, yeah, what are we animals?" "Well, Nana says yes, but I don't think so." "Okay." "David:" "Someone is always home so there's built-in day care for Shania." "Plus..." "It is rent-free." "So all of your money will go to your dream of law school." "It's the perfect solution." "Rust-free fixtures." "With divine gay bric-a-brac." "No, I... don't get it." "What do you guys get out of it?" "We don't want you to feel like you're out here all on your own." "Can we stay, mom?" "Please, can we?" "my two lead characters so I can start a Twitter riot." "You think your mom will let you stay?" "(Normal voice):" "Hope so." "Done." "Millions of teen tears." "But what would little Edie say?" "Wouldn't she say... (With hepburn voice):" "I hope the head on her shoulders is attached to the rest of her body." "She's not Kate Hepburn." "What's wrong with you?" "Did something happen?" "I started my new school this week." "What's with the scarf?" "Going through chemo?" "Or just Muslim?" "There's nothing worse than dealing with a dogmatic female," "I'm sure." "Those kids don't get me at all." "I know." "When I was a kid, nobody got me, either." "Guys, guys!" "I've painstakingly recreated the entire carrington mansion from dynasty out of creamsicle sticks." "Check out the tiny reflection pool, it's perfect for vicious cat fights." "This might be hard to believe, Shania, but I didn't always fit in like I do now." "I always felt different." "Just like you." "My Nana thinks I'm nuts, and my mom thinks I'm acting crazy 'cause of all the changes going on, but this has always just been me." "Bryan, I'm a weirdo and I don't want to be." "I just want to be normal." "What a stupid, shortsighted wish." "You don't know this yet, but the most unique parts of you are also the ones that will lead you to greatness." "And to a chalet in deer valley with direct slope access." "How come you get me but my own mom doesn't?" "Your mom may not totally get you, but she lets you be who you are and she loves you for it." "Don't be afraid to be who you are, Shania." "'Cause you're spectacular." "Except when you lie." "Now, I need you to finally cop to your act of vandalism and apologize." "(With accent):" "I didn't want to be a tattletale, but us special people got to stick together." "Oh, she's back." "I wasn't the one who colored on your couch, but I know who did." "Damn, she's good." "She wanted to turn me against kids, so I'd get skittish about this baby and forget about the whole thing." "Well, like it or not, your Nana is special, too." "I mean, what the hell else is she capable of?" "(With accent):" "I mean, really." "That was close." "No." "Clay, what are you doing here?" "We need to talk." "Goldie, you... you look hot." "Oh..." "But not hot-sweaty." "Come on, you got it, right?" "Yeah." "No, don't." "Don't come any closer." "Babe, please..." "Come on, I miss you." "I want us to be a family again." "It's all I want." "It's all I think about." "Say, "I want us to be a family again."" "Say, "it's all I want."" "Say, "it's all I think about."" "The "I" is me, right?" "Say, "that being without you has made me change."" "Say, "it's made me want to grow up." Say..." "Look, I know I messed up real bad, but..." "I'll do anything." "Everything to make it right." "When you left, you took a piece of my heart with you." "See, when you left, you..." "You took a piece of my heart with you, and..." "I just, I can't live without it." "But, um..." "All the lying and the other girls..." "How am I ever supposed to trust you again?" "Jane:" "She's going to ask you about trust." "Here's what you're gonna say." "Say: "I'll do anything to make you trust me." ""I'm not myself." "I'm a shell of a man..."" "♪" "You are the stupidest person alive." "I don't know." "I can't remember that one." "(Gasps)" "I want a divorce." "You want..." "You want to dump me?" "That's cool." "You know, I'm not ditching Shania here." "A girl needs a real man in her life." "Yeah, well, now she has two." "Yeah, yeah." "Bryan:" "Shania, we have to get you white heels." "I cannot believe this." "I can't believe I haven't seen us before." "Bryan:" "This is the best part." "Hey, you guys." "David:" "Oh, hey, come, come, come, come." "Uh, Shania," "I talked to your dad." "He's gonna spend some time with you tomorrow." "My dad's coming to L.A.?" "Yeah." "Uh, but not here." "To our place." "So let's grab our stuff." "Let's go home." "This is home." "This is Bryan and David's home." "This is the life they earned." "Not us." "Yeah, but it would really mean a lot to us for you both to stay." "Um, I..." "We can't." "I'm scared of getting too comfortable." "But isn't that a good thing?" "It's the worst." "The boy I married was four inches shorter than the husband I left." "I mean, we both weren't done growing yet." "We lived with my Nana, and we raised this incredible daughter." "And that life felt safe, even though it wasn't." "Maybe if I'd felt less comfortable," "I wouldn't have wasted so much time." "What about me?" "What about what I need?" "Come here, baby." "You..." "You are an old soul, Shania, but you're still just my baby girl." "It's important you see me as an independent woman, so that, someday, you can become one." "You're so lucky, Shania." "Your mom's one of the special ones." "Like you and me." "And me." "Yes, like you." "Of course, like you." "Yeah." "(Phone rings)" "Hello." "David:" "Uh-huh." "Are you sure?" "You're sure." "Okay." "Thank you." "We are officially pregnant." "You know what that means..." "Group hug!" "Come on." "Come here." "Oh!"