"Hey, can you help me?" "I need a doctor." "No, my friend, you need a lawyer." "Call me." "Hey!" "Good morning, boys." "Looks like you lost your patient again." "Do I have to separate you two?" "Stop it!" "Stop it!" "Stop it!" "Wait your turn." "Don't you know everybody is in here is waiting?" "Go take a seat." "Take a seat over there." "Do you have an insurance card?" "No." "Take a seat over there, and fill out these forms." "Where?" "Over there." "Sir." "Your eyeball." "Next." "Hey, that's you buddy." "Guess that's me." "I've got this incredibly painful paper cut." "Do you have an insurance card?" "Yes, I do." "Code Green!" "Code Green!" "Oh, my goodness!" "Nice booty!" "Thank you." "Thank you!" "Great, on top of everything else, the circus is in town." "Hey!" "Do I have to see all these patients by myself?" "Where are my doctors?" "They're at a meeting on electronic charting, Dr. Roskin." "Didn't you get the memo?" "No, there's nothing in my box." "I sent it to you by email." "Email, yes, damn computers." "Look, find the technology to page Dr. Callaby." "I need help down here." "Dr. Callaby, to the E.R., stat." "Dr. Callaby, to the E.R., stat." "Dr. Callaby, to the E.R., stat." "Dr. Callaby, to the E.R., stat." "Oh, too bad, so sad." "Just started this round, got 17 holes to go." "Hey, how nice of you all to join me." "Dr. Murphy, you take the clown in room 5." "Dr. Keefe, you take the headache in room 7." "He's got a headache?" "No, he is a headache." "Bonacasa, the mime in room 9 is all yours." " What's wrong with the mime?" " Didn't say." "Go, go, go!" "Nurse Nancy, if you'd be good enough to pry yourself away from that screen." "You should be paging Dr. Ramalama to the E.R., and I want Dr. Mills down here for the F.L.K. In room 6." "Can't pay your electric bill?" "Sue your doctor." "I'm Jake Gorman, Attorney at Law, and I care for you." "Rat bastard." "Mr. Jenkins?" "What seems to be the problem today?" "Now, wait a minute." "I don't want some snot-nosed punk who's not even able to shave yet telling me he's my doctor." "I want a real doctor." "I am a real doctor, okay?" "And I assure you I am most qualified..." "Is there a problem here?" "No, no problem." "You're damned right there's a problem." "I've been waiting for two hours to be seen be a real doctor." "One with hair on his pee-pee." "I know my rights." "I'm going to call my lawyer." "I'm Dr. Roskin, Chief of Staff." "I've been running this E.R. For some 25 years now." "On the pee-pee hair front," "I boast a rather generous thatch of botanical splendor, much of it a well-earned gray." "May I see the chart, please?" "I see that you've never been vaccinated against tetanus, rabies, distemper," "Dengue fever, malaria, rockin' pneumonia or the boogie-woogie flu." "No, that's okay, doc." "I don't need those shots." "Well, medically I'm sure you're right, but the lawyer you said you would be calling would call me negligent if I didn't give them to you, so, Nurse Helga, please, if you would assist the young Doctor Keefe." " Thank you." " Yes, doctor." " Dr. Murphy?" " Yeah." "There's a patient here who insists on being seen by you." "Okay, thanks." "Oh!" "Thank you very much." "Dr. Murphy?" " Yes?" " Damn glad to meet you." "Oh!" "This is from Jake Gorman's office." "You've been served." "Have a nice day, doc." "Damn." "That's the third malpractice suit today, you punk!" "I don't think that hip is broken at all." "Let's try standing." "There." "Yes, good, okay." " We'll walk a little..." " I quit!" "Dr. Murphy." "I try to help these upstanding citizens, how do they repay me?" "By suing me every chance they get." "I'm finished!" "Now Bradley, please, don't leave me now." "I'm begging you." "I've got wall-to-wall patients here." "They're going to have to get better on their own, Richard." "I'm finished." "I'm done." "Finito." "Gone." "Hasta la bye-bye." "Game over." "See this?" "Now if you'll excuse me," "I have a clown to kill." "That's it!" "I need an administrator!" "Get Buttkiss down here now!" "Mr. Abrams, I'm Gene Buttkiss." "I'm the Chief Administrator here at North Mercy." "Your health is very important to you, isn't it, sir?" "It sure is." "And what would you say it would be worth for my staff to nurse you back to health?" "Well, you can't put a price on health." " Try." " A million dollars." "Oh, a million dollars!" "I like that!" "And how much are you actually going to pay us?" "Well, I have no money." "I have no insurance." "Oh!" "No money?" "Oh, I see." "So, for a million dollars' worth of service, you're going to pay us the grand total of," "I don't know, for argument's sake let's just use a ball park figure of nothing!" "Zip!" "Nada!" "Goose egg!" "You are outta here!" "I don't know about you, but I feel better." " Buttkiss!" " Oh, Dr. Roskin." "What can I do for you?" "Murphy quit." "I need more doctors." "More doctors, right, sure, I'll just pull a few more out of my uh... ear." "I mean it, I don't care where they come from, I need more docs." "Alright Richard, I'll call corporate headquarters." "But until then, I've got some medical advice for you." "Don't hold your breath." "Thanks for calling RIP, sorry for keeping you on hold for so long." "How can I help you?" "Hello?" "Hello?" "Make it quick." "Uh, yeah." "Sorry to bother you sir," "Bothering me is your job," "Buttkiss, and you do it very well." "I see." "Well, you tell Dr. Roskin that he'll have his new doctor." " First thing tomorrow morning." " Thank you, sir." "I was, um, right, okay, good." "Thank you." "Board members, shareholders, and executives." "It is my honor to serve as president of RIP Healthcare." "As many of you know, I was the owner of the Bionics and Medical Devices division for years, what many of you don't know, however, is that I was born without a heart." "There's no heartbeat." "This baby has no heart." "I was rushed to the neo-natal intensive care unit, and there received the first ever fully-automated internal combustion artificial heart ever produced by the Medical Devices division of RIP healthcare." "This baby saved my life." "And since the company saved my life," "I thought it was only my duty to save the company." "And I have." "RIP Healthcare will enjoy a profit of no less than $3 billion this fiscal quarter alone." "But we do have a problem" "You see, each year we lose literally hundreds of millions of dollars in medical malpractice lawsuits brought against our doctors by sleazy, slimy, low-life, blood-sucking, leaching lawyers." "But what can we do?" "We're a hospital." "We need doctors, and doctors make mistakes." "After all, they're only human, right?" "Not any more." "What if I were to tell you that we can have a doctor that works 24 hours a day, seven days a week?" "A doctor that knows everything, a doctor that can do anything, a doctor that makes no mistakes?" "You'd say I was crazy." "You'd say I was a raving lunatic, wouldn't you?" "Well, ladies and gentlemen," "I give you the future of medicine." "I give you medical device MD-63." "Made with the latest space-age composite materials and microprocessors, packing 350 gigabytes of RAM and a 2.4 liter air-cooled engine," "MD-63 can effectively, efficiently and inexpensively, do the work of a dozen human doctors." "MD-63 will now demonstrate his ability to perform the world's fastest physical examination." "Ah, John from the mail room was kind enough to volunteer to be the first patient." "Okay." "MD-63 begin." "Oh, my gosh!" "He's totally crushing that guy's nuts." "Shut him down!" " I'm trying!" " Shut him down!" "We give you $3 billion of research money, and you give us a defective, ball-busting bucket of bolts." "Frank, how nice of you to stand up and volunteer to be the next patient." "Meeting adjourned." "Let's go, hurry up." "You." "Get that high-tech, groin-grabbing, crotch-crunching nutcracker fixed!" "Now." "MD-63 starts tomorrow morning at North Mercy hospital." "Did you say North Mercy?" "Did you say tomorrow?" "Yes, have you got a problem with that?" "No, no." "No problem." "Good." "Because he will be in that hospital tomorrow as a doctor, or the two of you will be in the hospital as patients." "Pasqual, stay with them, make sure they get it done." "Look at my client!" "Look at the hideous scar you left across his forehead, Doctor... um..." "Sosumi!" "Doctor, I am suing you!" "No, no, my name is Dr. Sosumi." "Okay, then, Doctor." "What possible justification can you have for leaving that horrible scar?" "I had to operate to save his life." "To save his life!" "What kind of life do you think my client's going to have now, now that you've butchered his skull?" "My client may look like a monster, but you, you doctor, are the monster." "Doctor, did you warn my client," "Mr. Martin, that he was going to have a horrible scar before you ruthlessly and maliciously hacked open his skull?" "No, he fall off bar stool." "He was unconscious." "He was in coma." "Oh, I see." "Hey!" "He was unconscious, he was in a coma, so you figured, what the hell?" "I can do whatever I wanted." "What if you wanted to have sex with him?" "Did you, doctor?" "Did you have sex with Mr. Martin?" " Did you?" " What?" "You're crazy!" "Did you flip him over and do the horizontal hula?" "Order!" "Order in the court!" "No more questions, Your Honor." "The sight of this doctor makes me sick." "Yeah, $2 million dollars for a scar on a drunk whose life isn't worth a nickel." "Don't worry, you'll get your usual finders fee." "Hey, I gotta go, I got some business I gotta chase down." "Thanks, buddy." "You're welcome, Jake." "Very welcome." "Thank you for coming, Dr. Mills." "Looks like you've found another patient for your clinic." "I'm a afraid your son is cross-eyed." "Has Dr. Callaby come down yet?" "What are you doing?" "Charting vital signs." "And who is taking these vital signs?" "The machine over there." "So you're telling this machine what that machine is doing?" "Yeah, that's my job." "Oh, we're the people whose job it is to take care of the patients." "See, that's what they look like." "They're over there, those living actual human things over there." "We have too many of those, not enough nurses, not enough doctors, not enough time, and too many computers." "Are you listening to me?" "No, because you're talking to a computer." "Let me guess." "You're the mime." "I'll take that as a yes." "What seems to be the problem?" "Your nose is running." "You have a runny nose." "Anything else?" "Your throat... sounds like... saw... sore!" "Your throat is sore." "That's really funny, a mime with a sore throat." "Here, why don't you have a lozenge, and I'll write you a prescription." "Don't be afraid, I'm a doctor." "Go ahead." "You know, it's kind of funny, when I was a kid, I really wanted to be a mime." "I used to do that box thing for hours, I'd be like..." "You know?" "What?" "It's not that bad." "You don't have to be insulting, buddy." "Oh, my God!" "Come here." "Oh, excuse me." " Out of the way!" " Got a live one here!" " Watch out." " Come on." "Dr. Callaby, we need you right now!" "We got a multiple trauma." "He's got an open head injury, a ruptured spleen, and chopped liver." "His BP is 25 over 5." "This guy's a mess." "I don't have time for this today." "I have to be on the golf course in ten minutes." "Everyone on my count, one, two, three!" "Dr. Callaby, that man is going to die unless you get him into surgery right now." "That man is going to die no matter what I do right now." "So, if it's all the same to you, I'd rather be playing golf." "You walk out, I report you to the state medical board." "Oh, and while you're at it, why don't you inform them that I am the only doctor on staff that has never been sued for malpractice." "If you'll excuse me, the green is calling." "Get back here, Callaby." "I'm going to count to three." "One, two, three..." "Fore!" "It's getting late." "You guys finished with this tin can yet?" "Well, I adjusted his tactile sensors so he doesn't crush anymore... right." "And right now, I'm scanning this month's medical journals to update his database." "We're almost done, okay?" "He'll be ready by morning." "He better be." "Damn it." "If this doesn't work, we're both dead." "Speaking of dead, I better have a talk with Lauren Mills before we bring him up on the floor tomorrow." "Whaddya say we just get a last meal?" "How about pizza?" "Sounds good, let's go." "Hey!" "Rise and shine." "That includes you, Mr. Mime Molester." "What?" "What did I do?" "Nothing, other than the mime." "Come on." "I didn't do the mime." "In my country, it is strictly forbidden to have sexual relations with mimes." "Bearded ladies, yes, but mimes, never." "What country are you from?" "I'm from Akmannycaca, we are listed first in the U.N. Phone book." "Did you hear me?" "Come on, we've got a backlog from last night." "Look at this." "We have 38 37 patients to see." "He was in my parking spot." "We've been through this Jason." "I know we talked about this." "I just wanna be sure you understand." "I just, I want you to be prepared." "I know you were in love with my brother, but this isn't him." "It's created in his image." "But it's a machine, it isn't human." "He isn't..." "It isn't Robert." "It was a long time ago." "I'm over it." "Then why do you still wear the watch he gave you?" "I need to know the time." "Richard, I've got some great news for you!" "I found you another doctor." "Oh, thank goodness." "Welcome aboard, Doctor..." "Uh, I'm not the doctor." "This is your doctor." "Hello, Dr. Roskin." "I'm Medical Device model number MD-63." "I'm a new mechanized, computerized, physician replacement." "This is a..." "This is a good joke." "What?" "A hidden camera around here somewhere?" "I'll just let you two get acquainted." "That's funny, it is." "It's no joke, doctor." "I'm Jason Dockery, M.D. 63's chief technician." "I'm here to get you acquainted with his features." "Features?" "I asked Buttkiss for a doctor with a pulse," "I don't need an overgrown coffee maker." "Coffee?" "Would you like it black?" "Or with cream and sugar?" "Buttkiss!" "Maybe he wanted tea?" "Buttkiss!" "You promised me a doctor!" "You've given me a vending machine with a stethoscope." "So you've met M.D. 63." "I hear he's a very expensive, highly-specialized device." "I don't need a device." "I need a living, breathing doctor." "Well, forget it!" "Look around, Richard." "Lawsuits, malpractice rates, decreasing reimbursements." "All the breathing doctors are quitting." "Just give it a chance." "Maybe you'll learn something from this robot doctor." "And I need another nurse!" "One made of flesh would be nice." "Half-caf, triple grande, three sugars, soy." "No whipped mocha." "Me, too." "Come on, Doctor Coffee, we're late for rounds." "Back straight, stomach out a tiny bit, put your feet down, right in the middle..." "Gentlemen!" "Let us begin." "Allow me to introduce the newest addition to our staff." "This is what corporate now refers to as a physician." "Wait a minute, you have got to be kidding." "Is he a..." "Yes, right down to his CPU." "Dr. Keefe, your presentation." "Speaking of P.U.," "Mrs. Flaherty is a morbidly obese, flatulent, malodorous..." "Alright, okay, we get the point, she's fat and smelly." "Mrs. Flaherty is a 52-year-old woman who is suffering from abdominal pain." "Let me take a look." "Mrs. Flaherty, does it hurt when I do this?" "Does it hurt when I do this?" "Mrs. Flaherty, when was the last time you ate?" "About ten minutes ago." "Ah." "And what did you eat?" "I had a rack of lamb, a side of beef, four fried chickens, and some Chinese." "Ah, some Chinese food?" "Or some Chinese people?" "Doctors, it appears that Mrs. Flaherty has... an old-fashioned stomach-ache." "If we're all in agreement, let's get her some antacid and get her out of here." "I disagree." "Oh, the toaster speaks." "This woman has acute appendicitis." "I've seen her naked." "Trust me, she doesn't have a cute anything." "She needs surgery now." "Okay, I am not going to stand here and justify myself to some motorized mannequin." "I am Chief of Surgery, and I say she's out of here." "She's outta here!" "If you do not open her up, I will." "You couldn't open a can of beans, tin man." "Well, actually..." "Fine!" "Go right ahead." "But who's going to help you, huh?" "MD-63 doesn't need any help." "He shifts automatically between anesthesiologist, surgeon and scrub nurse mode." "One red hot appendix, doctor." "What is he doing now?" "Since MD-63 is programmed to perform the duties of 58 medical sub specialists, he can diagnose and treat any patient all on his own." "Mama!" "What the hell did you do to her?" "An appendectomy." "I also took the liberty of performing liposuction, tummy tuck, face lift and breast augmentation." "Thank you, doctor." "Beginner's luck." "Ma'am, we're going to have to repeat that exam." "Yeah, right buddy." "He was my creation, you know." "I created him." "Just because they've installed in you all of the finest, latest medical technology, that doesn't make you a real doctor." "Bonacasa, will you show "it" around?" "Yes, sir." "Don't worry about him." "He's still trying to figure out how to use his cell phone." "I hit it, I hit it!" "There you are, sweetie." "You need to stay in the clinic, okay?" "I hope he didn't hurt... you." "Dr. Mills, this is MD-63" "Have you met before?" "No, it's just he reminds me of someone I used to know." "Perhaps it's one of my prototypes." "I've been told I bear a striking resemblance to MD models 48, 57, and 59 through 61." "The nurses are all talking about you." "They call you RoboDoc." "You can call me Lauren." "I run the children's clinic." "You're a pediatrician?" "With a sub-specialization in cross-eyed children." "We hope to cure them one day." "Dr. Von Schmekel in Germany is doing some wonderful research." "But until they find a cure, I teach them to function in a straight-eyed world." "Yeah." "Well, it looks like you're doing a bang-up job." "Cute kid." "If you'll excuse us, I've got to show RoboDoc around the hospital." "It was nice meeting you." "I hit the ball!" "I hit the ball!" "Yes, you did, Joey." "Yes, you did." "I think I see the problem." "Is RoboCrock qualified to handle psychiatric patients?" "Psychiatry isn't in his automated menu, however," "I can put him in that mode, manually." "With this psychiatry memory stick." "Did they follow you here?" "They who?" "They!" "The CIA.," "F.B.I., K.G.B.," "N.R.A., A.A.R.P.," "N.A.A.C.P.!" "No." "Listen, Doc, you gotta help me." "The space aliens can read my mind." "They put a chip in my head, doc." "Sir, there's nothing wrong with having a chip in your head." "Doc!" "Oh, no!" "They got you, too." "That certainly did not produce the intended therapeutic effect." "Doctor, come quick we have a patient crashing." "Let's see how you handle this one." "He just stopped breathing." "Perhaps he's angry at his mother." "What?" "Tell me, what was your childhood like?" "Oh, he's still in psychiatrist mode." "He's absolutely useless." "Get him out of here." "We've lost his pulse." "Go ahead, call a code, get the crash cart." "No time for that." "Clear." "Thanks, Doc." "I feel great." "Did you say something about my mother?" "Hi." "I'm new Nurse Fonda, Fonda Johnsons." "Guys?" "Hello?" "Hello?" "Not to be offensive in any way, but you seem to be so well... put together..." "You're not a robot?" "Excuse me?" "Are you real?" "Well, most of me is." "Mr. Buttkiss said I can't start working until I get my employment physical." "So, which one of your strong and handsome young doctors wants to do it?" "I think I just did it in my pants." "RoboCrock, how about you performing the employment exam on Nurse Johnsons?" "Certainly, chief." "Right this way, miss." "If you need any help, my teeth make a great panty retractor." "Charming." "Now, all we have left is a pelvic exam." "Hop into the stirrups." "Well, it's not like you'll be the first mechanical device in there." "But I'm warning you," "I've always found these exams rather unpleasant." "Don't worry, I will do everything possible to make this a pleasurable experience." "I think I just did it again." "Everything is fine except for those unusual pelvic spasms." "No smoking!" "Good morning." "I took the liberty of drawing blood, reviewing charts, performing surgery, and discharging most of our patients." "I also made coffee for you." "In the doctor's lounge." "Wow." "What time did you get in this morning?" "I never left." "I do not need to sleep." "If you did all of the work on our patients last night, what are we going to do?" "We are going to go on rounds." "How about a round of golf?" "That's your Mulligan." "Let's tee it up, boys." "Golf?" "What is golf?" "Well, you hit a ball into a cup 18 times." "What is the point?" "I don't know." "Do you like whacking balls?" "Callaby, we're on medical rounds." "We don't need a surgeon." "See, Dick?" "I'm just here for the entertainment." "I might even learn something from Dr. Scissorhands, huh?" "Doctor Bonacasa, present your patient." "Mr. Malaka is a 45-year-old white male with a five-day history of high fever and rash." "All the classic symptoms of Lyme Disease." "But he's not yet responded to the appropriate antibiotic medication." "Well, perhaps we should switch to a more broad spectrum coverage." "Well, I don't know." "Maybe he has appendicitis, too." "Has anybody asked the walking can opener what he thinks?" "I need to analyze a urine sample." " By all means." " Thank you." "I'd hate to be here when he analyzes a stool sample." "Mr. Malaka has tricinyphlis." "Yeah, what's that?" "That's an incredibly rare disease." "You can only get it by having sex with pigs." "That's crazy." "Absolutely crazy." "I mean, this mechanical moron must have blown a circuit board." "Tricinyphlis." "There's only been ever five confirmed cases." "Six." "How disgusting." "Not even in my country do we have sex with pigs." "Sheeps, yes, goats, yes." "Pigs?" "Never." "See, to you, this may look like an inflamed gall bladder, but to me, this is payment on my country club membership." "Oh!" "Three-pointer." "Doctor Callaby, there's a very important call for you." "Well, it better be very important." "This man's aneurysm's about to burst." "Don't move a muscle." "I'll be right back." "Hello?" "Jake!" "Jake, where have you been?" "Where have I been?" "Where have I been?" "I was in court." "Defending the rights of the downtrodden, hard-working little people." "Damn, this coffee's hot!" "I almost burned my tongue." "What are you trying to do to me?" "So, you got another malpractice case for me?" "No!" "That's the problem." "We got this new robotic doctor thingy here at the hospital." "It never makes a mistake." "Robo..." "Doctor?" "Keep an eye on that tin can." "Study it." "It's our next meal ticket." "It must have a weakness." "But it knows everything." "You figure out a way for me to sue that robot or my next malpractice case will be against you." "Jake, you don't mean that." "Jake?" "Jakey?" "Jake?" "I'm afraid her breasts were so small we had to put them on life support." " Do you mean..." " Yes." "We had to put her on a "breast-perator."" "What are her chances?" "Not very good." "Unless we can find her a pair of donor breasts." "I know, I know." "I lost my college girlfriend the same way." "Doctor!" "Doctor!" "Great news!" "A busload of strippers just went over a cliff, we have a cooler full of donor breasts." "That's incredible!" "How do you suppose something like that could have happened?" "Oh, if I keep eating this food, I'm going to need a doctor." "There's a hair in my sandwich." "This is disgusting." "I think the food is good, very good." "Really?" "In my country, we don't eat three meals a day." "We only eat on very special occasions." "Like when?" "Like when we have food." "Hey guys, here comes dessert." "Hey." "Whaddya say you and me get together some time?" "Oh, I don't think I'm right for you." "If I remember correctly, you like the strong, silent type." "I didn't do the mime." "Yeah." "Hey, Kim." "Hey, I just want to let you know, I think you're an excellent nurse." "Aw, thanks." "But complimenting me on my professionalism is not going to get you into my pants." "Oh, then what will?" "Come on, Doc, give it to me straight, I can take it." "You are going to die." "Oh my God, how long have I got?" "According to my calculations, you have two months, three weeks, six days, 18 hours," "47 minutes and nine seconds." "Eight, seven, six, five..." "Is there any hope?" "No." "Will there be much pain?" "Oh yes, very much so." "Unbearable." "Oh!" "What should I do, Doc?" "Write a will." "Buy a nice suit." "Roboshock." "Can I speak to you for a moment?" "Certainly, chief." "Have a nice day." "Look, I don't mean to be overly critical, but we've got to work on your bedside manner." "What do you mean, chief?" "I mean, you can't be that direct and blunt with a patient." "Why not?" "Because, it's just not..." "Can you add anything here?" "Well, I can't program in compassion, Doctor, but I know he can learn from others." "Now there's a beautiful doll." "What's her name, sweetheart?" "This is Donna, the "Stranger Danger" doll." "You're not a friend of mine, guy." "You're a pervert." "Get away from me!" "Get away!" "Charming." "Well," "I didn't know kids were still playing cowboys and Indians anymore." "They're not." "They're playing cow persons and Native Americans." "Cute." "Look, the real reason I'm here is" "RoboCrock, he needs a lesson in compassion." "Evidently." "Would you be willing to teach him?" "Well, someone has to." "I'll see what I can do." "Good." "Then I'll leave him... it... in your hands this afternoon." "Okay." "Let's go." "How can I explain compassion?" "Compassion." "It is a sympathetic consciousness of another's distress, together with the desire to alleviate it." "Very good." "For a moment there, I forgot I was talking to a walking encyclopedia." "Simply stated, it's the giving of aid and comfort." "For instance, look over there." "All of God's creatures need to eat." "Feeding them is an act of compassion." "And for that, I believe that nice woman will be rewarded." "How do you know so much about compassion?" "I really don't know." "I guess I'd rather feel sorry for someone else than feel sorry for myself." "I lost someone." "Someone really close to me." "He was killed in a car accident." "He was killed by a..." "He was killed by a..." "Drunk driver." "No, a cross-eyed driver." "So this is why you decided to dedicate yourself to curing cross-eyed kids." "It's the way I've chosen to care about people." "I have over 500 trillion gigabytes of memory full of how to care for people." "I'm an expert in caring for people." "That may be true, but you need to care about them as well." "If I'm not human, how can I care about people?" "You don't have to be human to care about people." "Dolphins care about people, dogs care about people, cats... well, the point is that people are insecure, frightened fearful creatures." "They're not machines." "They need to be reassured that everything's going to be okay." "Even if it isn't." "Everything is going to be okay." "Not convincing." "It wouldn't hurt if you smile or something." " Smile?" " Yeah, smile." "Like this." "It's a start." "You know, as a doctor, you may be perfect, but as a human, you've got a long way to go." "You have a deep laceration on your leg, which has become secondarily infected." "Huh?" "You are infected with a flesh-eating bacteria, and will require more extensive treatment." "Flesh-eating bacteria?" "That sounds horrible." "It is not so bad." "All of God's creatures need to eat." "Yeah?" "The bacteria need to eat somebody's flesh." "And I admire your compassion in letting them eat yours." "Of course, there is a chance you may lose your leg." "A chance?" "Like, a 10% chance?" "No, like a 99% chance." "But, when you wake up, you'll have a brand new leg." "It is not so bad having an artificial leg." "I've got two." "That's incredible." "Will I get one like that?" "Not exactly." "My legs cost over $10 million each." "With your health plan, your new leg will look more like this." "The best part is the bacteria will no longer be able to eat your new leg." "Of course, you'll have to worry about woodpeckers and termites." "But don't worry." "Everything will be okay." "I think we still have some work to do in the compassion department." "Yeah." "Scalpel." "Scalpel." "Dr. Callaby, a Dr. Gorman on the phone for you." "Uh, yes." "He's coming now." "Hello?" "Callaby, where the hell are my malpractice cases?" "I'm doing the best I can, but this boy's infallible and he's only getting better." "He's only a machine." "He has to have a weakness." "Find it!" "RoboDoc is a huge success." "I've never seen such glowing evaluations." ""RoboDoc saved my life."" ""RoboDoc made my labor and delivery so easy," "I wished I was having his baby."" "Not me, the person..." "No one cares, Buttkiss." "Delivering babies..." "We need him to do something really big." "If we can get that freaky, waxy face of his splattered on the cover of every newspaper in the country, then then, Buttkiss, our stock would go through the roof." "Excuse me sir, the newest Public Service Announcement for the Cross-Eyed Children's Clinic is ready for your review." "I wanna be a pilot." "I wanna be a doctor." "Don't touch me." "I'm calling the police!" "Please donate generously to the Cross-eyed Children's Clinic of North Mercy Hospital." "There." "The cross-eyed kids." "Yeah, I know." "It's horrible." "No, Buttkiss." "If RoboDoc could cure them, then..." "I'd be a billionaire." "What am I saying?" "I am a billionaire." "I'd be a..." "Gazillionaire." "Gazillionaire." "Nice work, Buttkiss." "The cafeteria's gotta get rid of this 10W-40." "He's only supposed to have synthetic." "When you finish with him, do you think you could rotate my tires?" "Oh, quite a setup you have here." "Yes." "Very impressive." "It'sjust been amazing how you've been able to put RoboDoc together." "It was nothing, really." "Anybody with a Master's degree from MIT, a Ph. D from Harvard, and a certificate from the ACS Automotive Technical Institute could've done it." "Well, I've been very impressed with RoboDoc's job performance." "It seems he never makes a mistake." "He doesn't." "His programming won't allow it." "Really?" "Tell me more." "You ever hear the term "Garbage in, garbage out"?" "Any computer system is only as good as the information you put into it." "While I'm changing his oil and brake fluid," "Kevin here is scanning the latest medical journals into his database." "And, um, how does all of this information, uh, get into his head?" "It doesn't." "His head... is empty." "The only thing in his head is this communications module." "Any information he needs, he retrieves from this database." "For example, we just finished scanning an article on how to surgically repair cross-eyed kids." "There's no such cure." "Can I see that?" "Sure, but I don't think you'll understand it." "I am a highly experienced doctor." "I assure you..." "I don't understand this." "This is written in German." "It's a new procedure written by Dr. Von Schmekel from the University of Dusseldorf." "It hasn't been translated yet," "But that's okay, because RoboDoc knows 78 human languages, 55 computer languages, and 15 animal languages." "Impressive." "And right now, we're getting him ready to perform the new surgery to cure all the kids in the Cross-eyed Clinic." "You don't say." "Well, thank you so much for the tour." "It's been enlightening, and I hope you seal him up tight." "Wouldn't want RoboDoc to blow a gasket at the medical staff dinner tonight, would we?" "The medical staff dinner?" "Damn!" "I forgot." "Kevin, run out, rent RoboDoc a tuxedo." "I'll pick up some chrome polish." "We gotta make him shine tonight." "I'm on it." "And she has the most beautiful hair." "It's so silky, so smooth." "Enough already." "I've heard this from you a million times." "Just this once, why don't you tell her." "Nurse Kim." "I don't know what to say to you, I think you're so beautiful." "Thanks." "I've got work to do." "Wait." "Wait." "I..." "I know we'll have beautiful babies together." "You wanna have a baby." "Well, why didn't you say so?" "Uh, easy." "I just hit the switch." "You sure did, baby." "All right, quiet on the set, everybody." "Ready on camera three." "Have still store two buffered and ready." "Jake, ready." "And, uh, three, two..." "Is your baby ugly?" "Sue your doctor." "Not feeling springtime fresh?" "Sue your doctor." "Have you lost a testicle, an eyeball, or some other small but pricey piece of your body?" "Sue your doctor." "Because of some greedy doctor's negligence, this sweet 98-year old woman won't live to see her great-great- great-great-grandchildren." "With my help, she's gonna sue her doctor." "I'm Jake Gorman, attorney-at-law, and I care for you." "And cut." "Jeez!" "Would somebody change the old bat's diaper?" "She's carrying the grandmother lode in there." "I just can't get that taste out of my mouth." "What do they feed these people?" "Phone call for Mr. Gorman." "Hello?" "Jakey, baby!" "Great news." "It's Dr. C." "I not only found out a way to take RoboDoc down, but also make us very, very, very rich." "Wait." "Wait, let me get this straight." "Blind kids?" "Oh, this is fantastic." "Hang on a second, let me add this up." "Loss of sight in one eye is worth $1 million." "Times two eyes per blind kid, plus $50 million in punitive damages against RIP Healthcare, minus 60% for those stinking blind kids, that leaves us with a grand total of..." "Garbage in." "Good, Joey." "Swing it harder." "Don't you wanna play with the other children, sweetie?" "No." "I can't get it to work right." "What, honey, what won't work right?" "This game." "When I try to swing the axe to chop off their heads, the screen freezes." "So sorry, sweetie." "Let me give it a try." "Let me take a look at it." "I know a little something about computers." "Okay, that would be great." "Thank you." "It's not Robert." "It's just a machine." "Hi, RoboDoc." "Are you going to the dinner tonight?" "Yes, I will be there." "Well, good, 'cause I'm gonna wear something special just for you." "Excuse me." "I don't care if he is a robot," "I'm gonna make him a man tonight." "Fill your pockets, fill your cheeks, this is the best free food you'll see for weeks." "Come on, scoop and move, buddy." "I am wanting you to meet my fiancÈe Pontangpu." "Damn." "Glad to meet you." "She doesn't speak English." "It was, uh, nice to meet you." "I'm gonna have a baby." "Oh, yeah!" "Oh, no." "The, uh, proctologist's wife says" ""I guess we're just both in love with assholes."" "Oh, my God." "I'm in dire need of medical attention." "If you're catching a cold from being in that outfit, maybe I can help you." "I don't need a pediatrician." "I'm a grown woman." "I need a real doctor." "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?" "Well, what do you have to say now?" "I'm not feeling so good." "Oh, my God." "How revolting, you bastard!" "Oh, I see how you are." "You gave me the best pelvic exam of my life, and then you just walk away like it means nothing." "God." "I hope there's a junkyard in hell." "I am proud to announce that the newest member of our..." "Of our medical staff, MD-63," "Of our medical staff, MD-63, also known as RoboDoc, has performed his duties flawlessly in the trial period." "So, tomorrow, we will turn his considerable talents to those most in need." "Our children." "Tomorrow..." "Please." "Tomorrow morning, RoboDoc is scheduled to perform the most ambitious surgical feat in the history of medicine." "He will operate on and cure all of the cross-eyed children." "The..." "Ah, MD-63." "Would you care to share a few words?" "Thank you all for coming." "Coming." "It's all right, everybody." "Everything's fine." "Just, uh, stage fright." "This hunk ofjunk had better be ready to perform delicate eye surgery tomorrow morning." "Or I'll be arranging a special surgical procedure for you." "And it won't be delicate." "Ha." "Thank you for joining us." "We look forward to seeing you tomorrow morning." "How is he?" "Well, he's still touch and go." "The synchronization chip is fried." "I need to find a donor." "Donor?" "What is it?" "Somebody who lends something to somebody." "But that's not important right now." "I need a chip, you know, from a cell phone, or a pager or a digital watch." "Here." "Here." "Take my beeper I don't want it anyway." "Thanks, but I know I'm gonna need more chips." "I need to find a match." "It's his only chance." "Let's give him everything we got." "Come on." "I'm going back in." " Good luck." " Thanks." "Wake up, everyone." " Hey." " You made it!" "Look at that." "Everything working?" "Yes, and guess what." "I didn't need any of the cell phones or pagers." "The matching chip came from Dr. Mills' watch." "Thank you, Lauren." "You're welcome." "Now let's go straighten some crossed eyes." " Yes." " All right." "Uh, sorry." "Didn't realize you were still on the charger." "Big Jake, the sardine can is on his way to surgery, and we are on our way to being filthy, disgustingly stinky, outrageously rich." "Uh, give me a nice, clean sterile surgery here, okay?" "You hear the bell, you start cutting." "What the hell is this?" ""Cut the optic nerve?"" "Oh, God." "Oh, my G..." "I gotta stop him." "I am done." "It's dark in here." "Just a minute." "I'm taking the bandage off now." "They're straight." "You did it!" "Are you gonna take the bandages off?" "Everyone back!" "Look, he's blind!" "Oh, look!" "All the children are blind!" "They're all blind!" "I'm calling a lawyer." "Jake Gorman." "Attorney-at-law." "You called?" "This guy's like a toilet, always around when shit goes down." "I'm calling Risk Management." "I'm calling the police." "But the blindness is just temporary." "Tell it to the judge." "Marcus, we're gonna have more money than you know what to do with." "Oh, ha ha, I know what to do with it." "I'm going to see the world." "Yeah." "It's just a shame that the poor little blind children won't be able to see the world." "Ha!" "Just kidding!" "Please state your name." "MD-63." "But most people call me RoboDoc." "Does the MD mean that you're a medical doctor?" "No." "It stands for medical device." "You're not just any medical device." "In fact, you're a highly advanced robot whose database contains all of mankind's medical and surgical knowledge." "So when you performed surgery on these children, you've simply followed your programming, and performed the procedure exactly as specified." "No." "No?" "I have no more questions, Your Honor." "MD-63." "Why do people call you RoboDoc?" "Because I perform the functions of a doctor." "You perform the functions of a doctor." "What other functions do you perform?" "I do not understand your question." "For instance, do you make coffee?" "Yes." " Do you toast bread?" " Yes." " Open cans." " Yes." "So you're a coffee maker, toaster, and can opener, that also happens to be a doctor and an eye surgeon?" "Yes." "Where did you go to medical school?" "I did not." " High school?" " No." "The fact is that you perform the work of a doctor, and you didn't even graduate from kindergarten." "Is that correct?" "You are not qualified to operate on the eyes of a child." "I wouldn't even let you touch the eyes of a potato." "State your name." "Dr. William Von Schmekel." "Dr. Von Schmekel, you developed the surgical technique used by the defendant?" "Ja, and I heard it worked perfectly." "Doctor, these children are blind." "Ja, but their eyes are straight." "But does your procedure usually cause blindness?" "How should I know?" "I only did the procedure on rats and mice." "You see this little fellow?" "He used to be cross-eyed." "Yes, doctor, we can all see that his eyes are straight." "But has this rodent been blinded by your procedure?" "How should I know?" "I speak German, and I speak English, but I don't speak rat." "Perhaps you should ask him." "You shut your filthy, stinking little lying rat hole!" "Mr. Gorman!" "I mean, sorry." "He is a menace." "When I think of the tears being shed by those... poor defenseless, innocent... prepubescent... beautiful little children..." "He forced me into the supply closet, and he touched me like no other battery-operated device has ever touched me before." "Look what he did to me!" "He took out my appendix, and left this ugly, hideous scar." "I didn't do the mime." "Hey, shut up!" "Quiet!" "You're not the one on trial here." "Yet." "Members of the jury, have you reached a verdict?" "We have, your honor." "We, the jury, find the defendant" "MD-63 guilty." "And we recommend that he be disassembled and recycled for parts." "We further order that RIP Healthcare pay the plaintiffs $3,577 trillion and 37 cents." "And how did you arrive at that figure?" "It's all the money in the world, judge." "Don't worry, everything's gonna be okay." "RoboDoc, rise." "MD-63, you are hereby sentenced to incarceration at Big Bernie's Auto Wreckers and Salvage yard until the day of your demolition, when you will be crushed down to the size of a soda can, and may God have mercy on your mainframe." "We lost how much?" "That's imposs..." "So many patients, no doctors." "Thank you for coming in to help." "No problem, it's good to be back." "You, you, you, you..." "Sorry." "I cannot believe they're going to recycle me." "I'm going to miss you guys." "Well, you can see me twice a week, if they turn you into a set of golf clubs." "Come on, guys." "You know, we can't let them do this." "We can break him out of here." "You know, how big can Big Barnie be?" "You know, I'm not afraid of him." "Listen, Robo..." "Doc." "I know you and I got started on the wrong foot, but it was nothing personal." "It's just that over the years," "I've seen so many computers and machines brought into the hospital." "It was like they were becoming more important than the patients." "So I'm the last one you would ever think would support the idea of a robot doctor, but..." "Wait." "Wait." "Wait." "You big..." "You big..." "You've changed my mind, you've opened my eyes." "You've shown a level of expertise and efficiency that most doctors can only dream about." "You've treated your patients with kindness, with dignity." "You've been an inspiration to all of us to become better doctors, better people." "You've become a friend." "You've got the heart of a man, you've got the soul of a man." "And you're taking this like a man." "My oil plug." "It must've popped out." "It's time." "What's this word?" "Blind." ""Three blind mice." "See how they run."" "You can see?" "You can all see." "Let's go save RoboDoc!" "Excuse me!" "We need to get to the junkyard fast!" "Let's get a move on, RoboCrock." "The only thing that's gonna save your oily ass now is a phone call from the governor." "Oh, hold on a second." "Let me take this call." "Hello, Big Bernie's Auto..." "It's the governor!" "Yes, sir, Mr. Governor." "Big Bernie here." "No, sir, you're right on time." "We hadn't even started yet." "Yes, sir, I'll take care of it personally." "You bet, sir." "Thanks for calling." "Hey, Mike, don't crush that car yet." "The governor wants the hood off of it." "Come on!" "Let's get a move on." "Stop!" "The kids can see!" "They can see!" "That's ridiculous." "These kids can't see." "Their optic nerves were cut." " Hey, how'd you know..." " I didn't." " You did it." " No, I didn't." " You altered the article." " Never!" "I did not cut their optic nerves." "I may be a robot, but I am not stupid." "The blindness was temporary from normal swelling after the operation." "You're all lying!" "This is just a desperate last-minute stunt." "These kids can't see." "It'll cost me too much money." "Sweet, unfortunate, blind little boy, if you can see my face, what do I look like?" "A rat bastard." "Doctor, you're under arrest for falsifying a medical journal..." "I did not." "...endangering the eyesight of little children, and product tampering." "Product tampering?" "Take him away." "RoboDoc, in light of this new evidence," "I hereby exonerate you of any wrongdoing." "You're a free man... er, robot." "Whatever you are, you're free." "Release the prisoner." "Oh, RoboDoc, I knew you were innocent all along." "I'm so happy to have you back." "So what do you think now?" "I think I need to make an emergency phone call to the Centers for Disease Control." "Excuse me." "Your cat scan looks perfectly normal, Mr. Gorman, but we don't like to take any chances, so we will be removing the top of your head." "Just to go in and take a look around, to be sure." "No!" "No!" "No!" "Yes, yes, yes." "Fortunately, we do have the finest brain surgeon in town to do the operation." "I believe you've meet Dr. Sosumi." "Mr. Gorman not going to be able to sue any more doctors." "He going to have to find new line of work." "Now say ah." "Special Thanks to Screen Actors Guild." "Subtitled By J.R. Media Services, Inc." "Burbank, CA"