"A writer can no more stop writing than breathing, eating or drinking." "Asking himself why he writes is like asking himself why he lives." "Asking himself why he writes" "I write to discover who I am, and so others can see themselves in my words, and thus I can know them better." "I write to free myself by inner travel and to experience the outer world." "Or am I simply afraid to live?" "An easy cop-out of putting on paper that which I haven't the courage to do." "The more I write the more I ask myself why I write." "I get to the point where I even ask why I ask." "If it's for the restaurant, I'm not here." "It's from my mom." "She sent it by courier." "Philippe darling." "It's Grey here but it sure beats winter." "A new board of directors at the condo..." "I finally decided to leave your father." "I need all the money back that I invested in your cafe." "It's all the money I have." "I hope you can pay me back quickly." "How are you?" "Kisses, treasure." "Signed, Aline." "What'll you do?" "I don't know." "The restaurant's been closed for a month." "Jean-Marc hoped to re-open, but..." "Meanwhile, the debts keep piling up." "He hasn't paid the staff in six weeks." "It's a mess." "All he has to do is find a new partner or take a loan." "Who's the girl?" "A rich friend of Joe's." "We've already started our search." "I'm a mess too." "What's wrong?" "'I'm stressed out." "I can't sleep." "You party too much Christian." "Try slowing down." " Finally!" " Hello." "Sorry I'm so late." "Don't I get a kiss?" "Of course!" "Your mom didn't tell you in person?" "She'd take it out on me and then stay with him as usual." "Call her!" "We'll lose everything!" "Poor Philippe." "You're a saint with your mom." "Oh yes!" ", I sure could use one." "No, thanks." " Since when?" " Since now." "Comfy?" "I've got the invites for Marco's memorial party." "Show me." "Strange kind of party." "He's been dead over a month." "They do it in lots of cultures." "In Madagascar." "Madagascar?" "Yes, people celebrate one month after a death." "The body must stink!" "They party all night with food and drink." "The famadihana." "Fama, what?" "The Famous Diana?" "The Madagascans have a proverb:" "You're not dead if..." "Why not hold a seance?" "Jean-Marc listen.." "What's the proverb?" "You're not dead if someone remembers you." "We're back to the Middle Ages!" "Or the New Age, I should say." "It's what Marco wanted." "A party, as if he were home for the night." "I'm all for the Bible." "Jesus said:" "Let the dead bury their dead." "A toast to the living!" "There's electricity in the air!" "Didn't you fix the light?" "You're so negative, everyone says so." "Who?" "You're always judging people." "They're always ugly or too fat." "According to who?" "Anyone here?" "Who?" "I can't say." "Some friend." "So frank... it's admirable!" "You're just repeating anonymous accusations." "It's not right." "I'm saying it:" "Jean-Marc, you're always judging people!" "We don't all have the same taste." "Some like'em older, solid." "Others want 'em hairy or young." "Or in leather." "With pierced nipples." "Some want love to last a lifetime, others aren't able to commit." "What's eating her?" "Natalie, don't go!" "I didn't come to be Insulted." " What's with you?" " I'll handle this." "So later we'll kiss and make up?" "I don't have to put up with this!" "Are we really like that?" "No, not always." "Are we so judgmental?" "I don't get it!" ""18 years old, versatile." Sounds good." "I hope they're not into steroids." "Can we get him to come here?" "Get him to come?" "What's up?" "He's calling an escort." "An escort." "My card number is 350270320." "That's my card!" "That's my card!" "Party pooper!" "What a drag!" "Out of booze?" "Where's Charles?" "Look what I found!" " Hey that's Philippe's." " It's ok, I quit playing." "You play flamenco?" "Who is this?" "Natalie, what's wrong?" "Calm down, you're hyperventilating." "Take it easy I'll be right over." "What's up?" "Natalie had an attack." "Another one?" "I've never heard her like this." "She could suffocate." "Shes manipulating you." "I'll come with you." " Where's the escort?" " We canceled." "In that case let's go catch some dancing boys." "Who wants to come?" "Thanks a lot bye!" "Thanks it was a great party." "Talk to you soon." "Hey, wait up!" "Breathe into the bag." "I broke up with Mauricio." "I miss him so much, I'm a complete wreck." "When I turn 40, he'll be 29." "He'll want someone younger." "Come off it!" "My biological clock is ticking away." "You're younger than me!" "It's time I grew up." "I can't spend my life with an assistant cook." "An ex-assistant cook." "That's even worse!" "Since the restaurant closed he just sits around, doesn't even look for work." "Plus he's an obsessive eater." "I can't live with someone who thinks of nothing but food!" "How'd you get in?" "The door was open." "We changed our mind, we canceled." "Isn't there a party?" "Everyone's gone, even the guy who called." "He didn't leave a message." "Sorry but it's not my problem." "Here..." "Want another one?" "It sure is hot." "If I add the drinks you cost a lot more than $150 an hour." "My name's Jean-Marc." "A pleasure." "I'm Steve." ""Steve" sounds professional." "Is that your boyfriend?" "Yeah." "Is he dead?" "No, why would he be dead?" "Jean-Marc's a good listener." "Stop putting him down." "You're not right for each other." "All you have going is the sex." "With Mauricio too." "It was like an addiction." "That's why I could never split up." "At least he used a condom." "Bloody condoms!" "Blow up in your face." "In a manner of speaking, I mean." "Poor guys, I hear they're awfully tight." "You're lucky, after this long you two don't need them." "These days we wouldn't need them anyway." "I don't want to!" "Don't worry, I'll pay you." " No." " Then get the hell out of here." "If it's ok I'd like to crash here on the living room sofa, of course." "Are you kidding me?" "I don't want to be alone." "Everything has it's price." "Pretty strange, with your job." "Wait." "How old are you?" "30 something." "Great shape for your age." "Do you always talk so much on the job?" " So, do you have a lover?" " Yes." "Have you been together long?" "8 years." "Do you make love as often as before?" "No." "Sex isn't the same thing as love." "Do you trust each other?" "At first we had affairs." "Well, it was mostly me..." "And now?" "Would you mind not talking so much?" "I've never been with anyone long." "Love's wonderful it's my ideal." "Love's wonderful it's my ideal." "But it's complicated." "You're always doing something wrong." "Jean-Marc someone hung himself!" "I just dreamed that I shot someone with an arrow." "Like St. Sebastian." "With each arrow that pierced his skin he writhed in pain, but I..." "I loved it." "I'm so jealous!" "Even if it didn't mean anything." "It's normal after 7 years of fidelity." "You want something new." "Even I sometimes want..." "Is that all it is?" "Yes, I told you." "It's totally devastating." "Next time if there is someone, I want to know..." "I don't like it." "I hope Steve didn't hear me." "He'll think I'm being hysterical." "But I agree he can stay here if you want." "Things must be pretty rough, if he tried to kill himself." "Being around stable people will do him good." "Just 'till he gets sorted out." "Were you safe?" "Or do we need to do a test?" "100% safe!" "Do you want every little detail?" "Don't bother!" "I can imagine everything that went on." "Anyway nothing's 100% safe." "But that's ok." "There's a risk involved, but I'm ready to take it." "It's you I love, you know that." "Tell me what happened." "I'll have to notify the police if you..." "Have you known Jean-Marc long?" "You can trust me, I'm a nursing student..." "Aren't you cold?" "Philippe won't say a thing, as usual." "He accepts everything, he's so nice." "He's not like Jean-Marc." "He'd never take advantage of you." "Sorry." "It might leave a scar." "Especially here, it might be visible." "Are you in love with Philippe?" "Revealing our wounds is a sign of strength." "You had sex him?" "None of your business!" "C'mon, I won't tell anyone." "Cigarette?" "I'm trying to quit." "It's hard to quit smoking." "Especially for a chain smoker." "I admire you." "And the first one after is so good!" "So how was that kid?" "None of your business!" "Was he well equipped?" "Are you interested in investing in the restaurant?" "You're avoiding the subject." "Was it that good?" "I can send him over to you." "Is he still at your place?" "He needs somewhere to rest for a few days, he's exhausted." "All that action, huh?" "What are you doing?" "With all the bugs around, I play it safe." "To come back to business..." "My camera has seen a lot." "Why are you giving it to me?" "You'll figure it out." "I need a breath of fresh air." "First I'll visit Mauritani and then Madagascar." "Up to Mongolia next, then slowly back down to Malaysia." "From Asia I'll go to Mexico..." "All the "M" countries?" "Don't laugh!" "I'll finally ready to do it." "I'll be gone for 8 months." "We were living together back then." "You used to paint." "But you stopped doing that too." "You used to write." "I still do." "No one ever bought my paintings." "That's not true, we did!" "We still have them at the restaurant." "The comics we wrote, do you want them?" "It's you!" "And Natalie." "And that's you." "Three fashion victims." "We were happy then." "Sure we were only 20!" "Everything seemed possible." "We were totally open with each other." "You were just feeling down." "It happens at your age." "'Cause of the life you lead." "You need to get back in the saddle." "I'll come to the point." "I have a client." "Are we making a film?" "A kind of portfolio for your job." "We all need money, we can't be choosey." "Use what nature gave you." "Even I'm doing things I don't normally do." "Take off your shirt." " Take it off?" " Yes." "Stop it, this is serious." "I'm not doing this just for fun." "Cut it out, or you'll be back on the streets." "All right, take off your T-shirt." "I don't want this on tape." "I won't be an escort all my life." "Only one person will see it." "And you'll be paid." "Just solo masturbation, this can't be your first time on camera." "Sit back down." "Ok, that's cool." "Would you rather I leave the room?" "I wasn't trying to kill myself." "Even if I was totally out of it..." "I'll tell you why." "It's 'cause I had a lover." "He was my first real lover." "HIV+." "Otherwise he was like me." "Not physically, like in a mirror, but in a different kind of way." "We liked the same kind of music." "He had dark hair too." "And teeth that knocked together whenever we kissed." "We thought that it would last forever." "You said you never had a long-term lover." "It's relative." "A few weeks can sometimes feel like years." "But he got sick real fast, and he died." "It happens to a lot of us, and there's even more to come." "Welcome to the year 2000." "You'll see, you'll toughen up." "Especially in your line of work, otherwise you won't last." "Christian's a lot like me." "Completely different, but at the same time, just the same." "He's my double, a mirror image, more than a brother." "At 20, we'd tour the bars, dancing non-stop." "Sometimes we had the same lovers, as we later learned." "We'd hang out, have fun, fall asleep on the sofa, lying face to face talking all night 'till our eyelids dropped, 'till all that remained was the image of myself, reflected on his pupil, his iris," "traveling along the optic nerve to the cerebral lobe, printed in light.." "He is me, or not." "Loving enough, loveable, beloved, not enough to love, to understand the stranger, the stranger in me." "Why is he unknown?" "Why this dream?" "So many years, and still doesn't know who I am." "I don't either." "Did you burn them?" "How can you burn eggs?" "You've burned soup." " You've burned soup." " Get lost!" "I'm a great chef!" "Eggs Benedict are my specialty." "Yeah, they're good." "You haven't made them for ages." "You introduced me to them the first time we met." "Can't be." "Eduardo showed me how." "No, I'm sure!" "I remember." " First time anyone made me breakfast." " Where?" "You were living on Fort Street." "Did I know you already back then?" "Of course!" "Wasn't I on Panet Street?" "That was later." "We met in March, and you moved to Panet in July." "Funny." "I don't remember." "Dad you're back." "No, I'm fine." "I'm really fine." "Jean-Marc too." "We're all fine." "Yes, I heard from Mom." "No, she was fine." "That was my dad." "He's met a woman in her 50's, and says he's never been so happy." "She's really spunky, she makes him laugh." "She's spunky, and makes him laugh." "He's finally learning to express his feelings." "It's the first time he's told me something about himself." "You should be glad!" "Before, even if we hadn't spoken in 3 months, he'd call up and ask me for a screwdriver, that's all." "Well to ask you for one!" "It's normal to feel upset, especially now." "It's normal you're upset, especially now." "You've tried to keep them together since you were 12..." "What's this?" "A project I had with a friend." "He did the drawings, and I wrote the captions." "Did you ever try to get it published?" "No, it wasn't professional enough." "It's really great." "Yeah." "But he gave up drawing." "Christian's always giving up." "His lovers too?" "Especially his lovers." "I've known him since grade school." "He's like a brother." "At 20, we all lived together, him, me, and Natalie." "The three musketeers!" "We'd hang out at the "Beat", raise hell together." "We were young." "But then I met Jean-Marc." "Natalie's had tons of boyfriends, tons!" "And Christian?" "He's had tons of lovers too!" "But he never gets too involved." "He won't talk to me about it." "But it's just as well." "There's nothing I can do to help him." "I wonder what he's so afraid of." "I'm no better." "Almost 30, and my life's gone nowhere." "Although I do have a degree in literature!" "At least you've got a job!" "I don't have a job." "What do you call it then, a past time?" "A fantasy." "I brought you a present." "For me?" "Why?" "I cleared out my place, except for a mattress and a chair." "I planned to leave, but now I don't know." "As usual, Philippe's got me to change my mind." "Did you tell Philippe?" "Why would I tell him?" "Because you're lying to your best friend." "I'm not lying." "I'm not lying." "I don't have to tell everyone." "It's not like I'm sick or anything." "Why should I?" "For pity?" "So I won't be the only one to know..." "Keep it anyway." "As a souvenir." "You still hot for that guy?" "Anyway, he was too young." "Too young to know how to love." "I stole this from your book shelf:" ""Healing through Positive Visualization"" "I spent the night repeating, "I'm getting better."" "The net result:" "A headache and another 'bout of insomnia." "Got anymore sleeping pills?" "You're not serious, Christian." "You need therapy to help you face it." "Therapy?" "No thanks." "I've made my peace." "It's never been so clear to me." "If I don't leave, I want to take singing lessons... and send my CV around to modeling and casting agencies." "I'll start painting again." "I never should have quit." "Robert left me the key to his studio." "You could use it." "I know that you're hurting, Christian." "We're all hurting." "Revealing our wounds is a sign of strength." "Where'd you come up with that one?" "From one of your books?" "The taste of his hair... of his teeth, knocking against mine clear laughter in his throat." "It's a dream." "Why is he me?" "Walk in your hard shoes, talk, dance, music, rock 'n roll." "All night long, in a trance, sweaty, glued to the boys, Ecstasy." "Burns humid in my arms." "Thirty pairs of lost eyes." "Entering your dreams for the night, penetrating your skin, your cerebral lobes on acid, reflective... repeating my image twenty times." "You are me like a mirror, reflected, between your nerves tense with amnesia." "Why do you forget me?" "Fibers straight to the heart straight to the nerve that hurts interior." "Your eye looks at me." "I think." "What are you doing?" "Improvising poetry." "I'm too old for that kind of trip." "I'm going to bed." "Why are you so exhausted?" "Not one bank is willing to refinance us." "I went to the restaurant and emptied every bottle." "Tomorrow, I'm putting it up for sale." "Jean-Marc's not here with you?" " - " " No, he's tired." "This kind of party always makes him nervous." "This kind of party always makes him nervous." "Is Christian coming?" "I want him to meet someone." "No, maybe he was afraid of seeing ghosts too." "Come say "hi" to Marco's parents." "These are Mr. and Mrs. Blais, Marco's parents." "You know Jeannot." "What's that?" "Here's just what you need." "I know you'd like to hear words of comfort..." "Marco's happy now, up above, he's no longer suffering..." "But I'm not interested in the hereafter, I'm a realist." "What counts is the reality we're all living." "And the reality is:" "Marco's no longer with us." "He was a friend, a brother, a son, a lover." "He gave us all he had to give and seeing you all here is a testimony to his generosity." "But now he's gone." "And we must accept the difficult reality that a loved one has left us." "We must celebrate the life that was his." "In his honor, and also for us to remember him and keep him present in our lives." "Bravo, I see your wounds heal quickly." "Philippe's great." "I'm learning so much, I see why you like him." "You're great too!" "Look, you have to tell him who you are." "Otherwise, I will." "He's cute isn't he?" "Good thing we saved his life." "Natalie..." "I love you." "I love you too, Philippe." "I don't usually express my feelings, huh?" "Natalie!" "Would this many people come to my funeral?" "You never know before." "We must be careful with our friends... the time we're with them." "Jean-Marc never understood that." "My lover died, and I never told him that I loved him." "It kills me." "Never?" "No, not even once." "Is this safe?" "Maniac!" "Is that all you think about?" "It's safe to take off your shirt." "With you, even that is dangerous!" "You bastard!" "Get out!" "Relax." "You yourself said not to confuse sex with love!" "What's your game?" "I'd be mad too." "Life's tough..." "Go peddle your ass somewhere else!" "That's unfair!" "Take it easy!" "Go hang yourself somewhere else, you clown!" "What's your problem?" "Couples are meant to stay together." "What?" "You just left Dad!" "You don't break up because of a little spat." "You have to talk things over." "Who's the guy?" "An escort from an escort agency." "An escort?" "You know what that is don't you?" "How will you live?" "Well, you'll have to wait for your money." "Ask Dad for a loan, it's the only way." "I cannot after what I said to him." "He's found a replacement." "He'll be glad to help you." "Why are you being so mean?" "I've had it with being nice." "We'll write poetry together or do performances!" "With my words and your talent we can't go wrong!" "I don't like myself on video." "It makes you look as empty as the people on TV..." "Aren't you the virtual generation?" "No, that's you." "My generation doesn't have a label yet." "All night long, in a trance sweaty glued to the boys, Ecstasy." "Burns humid in my arms." "Thirty pairs of lost eyes." "I told you so." "It's my poems, I always knew they were lousy." "Are you always so hard on yourself?" "I'm a perfectionist, have been since I was a kid." "What are you doing?" "Maybe a better text will inspire you." "Nathalie's book on zen meditation and archery." "Ah, listen..." "After a year of practicing my breathing." "May my ego open up and detach itself the subject become one with the object." "I die to myself." "And Reality appears in all it's Truth." "Why'd you try to kill yourself?" "It was an accident changing a light bulb." "An accident?" "Didn't Jean-Marc explain it to you?" "Tell me about yourself." "We hardly know each other." " I'm no good at that." " I want to know you." "Tell me a story about yourself." "I'd need a joint and I'm all out." "No, sober." "Stoned doesn't count." "Once upon a time, a 2-year-old was hitchhiking with his mom." "My mom." "She was nervous." "She'd kidnapped me after the divorce." "But the man-who-steals-eyes came." "He was wearing a helmet and a blue uniform." "His eyes were blind and black as his boots." "Mom fought and screamed." "But he shoved her into his car." "Then he came for me." "I was crying." "He put his blind black eyes on me, I couldn't see." "I'd gone blind." "And I never saw my mother again." "How can you remember that?" "You were only two!" "Ok, I'll start over." "Once upon a time, a boy was hitchhiking." "Me." "I was nervous, 'cause I'd just run away." "I was 14." "A motorcycle cop drove up." "He was wearing a helmet and a black leather uniform." "He took me into a barn where it was very dark." "He was very muscular." "He took off his sunglasses." "He undid his belt, and..." "Did that really happen?" "You wanted a story, So I'm telling you a story." "How'd you become an escort?" "I was working in a bar." "The owner invited me to a private party." "He had a customer for me." "So I said "yes"." "What kind of a bar was it?" "A bar with go-go boys." "You were a nude dancer too?" "Well, yeah." "This doesn't work." "It sounds too phoney." "You've changed since you moved out." "I guess you just act up when you break up with your lover." "Getting aggressive..." "When I was six some bullies tied me to a tree." "I let them, to help my friend Christian." "They ran off and left me there tied to the tree for hours." "Finally, my dad rescued me." "But he said nothing to comfort me, as usual." "Now I've told you a true story." "You'll tell me one too." "Fucking maniac!" "Did Natalie teach you that?" "No, it's the first time I've ever done it." "You hang around, never ask a cent for your services." "Some escort!" "Who paid you to fuck around with our lives?" "Nobody!" "Nothing but bad news since you came." "Know what used to happen to bearers of bad news?" " No." " They were killed!" "Shutting your eyes won't make me go away." "I'm not about to leave." "I'm a student." "I work in a bar part-time." "It's true that my mom didn't stick around long." "I made up everything else..." "You seemed to like my being an escort." "So I just played along." "My real name's Stephane." "But I wasn't lying." "Everyone calls me Steve." "How'd you end up at our place?" "I heard about your party." "Who told you about it?" "I can't tell, it's a secret." "When we made love, were you also just faking it?" "I wanted to stay with you two, to learn how to love." "To love, you have to be there." "Have you gone completely crazy?" "!" "I bet you haven't even told him yet." "Told me what?" "Come with me." "That little liar!" "He's been lying from day one." "And you knew?" "He's going through a hard time." "His lover died of AIDS?" "That's probably a lie too." "You're right, he's not dead." "He's just HIV positive." "When Steve found out he freaked out." " He's not dead?" " No." "Do I know him?" "Wait I'll be right back." "Not you too!" "What do you mean?" "I'm so sick of sado-masochism!" "It represents an old story of Philippe and myself." "It's my right to remember." "Start by telling him the truth." "He's waiting downstairs in the car." "He always claims that I'm unstable." "Easy when you have all your life to become someone." "You don't have to worry about anything." "When we were six," "I was the one who'd get beaten up." "A gang of psycho-social deviants wanted to tie me to a tree." "Only Philippe defended me." "They grabbed him and tied him up instead." "He saved my life." "I'm supposed to be grateful forever." "He's a saint, not a friend!" "Anybody home?" "I'm leaving you this tape... 'cause it can help you with the restaurant." "I hope this isn't how you'll remember me." "And I hope it's not the only thing you wanted from me." "'Cause I love you both." "I truly love you." " Is Philippe there?" " No." "Get in." "He just ran out the door, completely upset." "What's wrong this time?" "It's about Christian." "What?" "What are you doing?" "From now on, I'll run the restaurant." "We'll get the insurance money for Christian's paintings." "They were insured for a large amount of money." "I forced the door open so it looked like a burglary." "The paintings will never be found." "Are you crazy?" "He's your best friend!" "Drop the "best friend" bit." "So many people are dying." "Are we going on a trip?" "What'll we call the croque-monsieur?" "I can't decide between Jean, Julien or Jules." "Just names of people?" "Well yes, that's the whole idea!" " And the croque-madame?" " Sylvie or Solange." "What about Julie or Valerie?" "Valerie?" "Really!" "You have no taste." "It's the title of Quebec's first porn film." "Didn't you learn anything in school?" "Jean-Marc?" " How's the new waiter?" " Not great." "But he's at least good looking." "Philippe..." "We're going to have to buy bread during the weekend." "They'll charge double again." "And I'm not running a charity!" "Philippe, your mother..." "Philippe, I've missed you so much!" "I didn't call very often..." "Calling long distance is so expensive." "And I have to keep an eye on my spending." "Isn't Dad helping you?" "He does what he can given his modest pension." "I'm glad you re-opened." "You repainted too, didn't you?" "It looks fresher." "We haven't changed a thing, mother." "I was sure..." "You'll never guess who I ran into on a remote island." "I almost didn't go ashore." "One island after the other..." "and another..." "I preferred to stay on board." "Christian." "He looked good." "And he gave me a letter for you." "We had a very long talk." "I always liked Christian." "And he wanted me to make sure you read it." "Maybe later..." "Philippe... you used to say, that at 20, everything is possible." "That's no longer true for me, or at least not in the same way." "Time has become 'feather-light' now." "It's become infinite." "In the past... life was a burden of choices and finalities." "But now, life is only 'now' and I have to explore all that that means..." "In leaving you" "I left the mirror." "Finally, I can see the full panorama... our fallen hopes the petty hates we all nurture and above all, our love, so much more important..." "Our stories mixed together, like the pages of the book... the unique book I hope that you'll one day write." "p.s." "Curious about Steve?" "After a few weeks he fell in love with some tourists and took off with them." "I'm not angry with him." "He loved me more than enough..." "Take care of yourself." "Your friend, for eternity."