"APPLAUSE" "CHEERING AND WHISTLING" "Well!" "there!" "hello hucksters and hogwash a veritable horde of hornswogglers." "it's Sean Lock." "APPLAUSE Thank you." "Danny Baker." "APPLAUSE David Mitchell." "APPLAUSE" "Alan Davies." "APPLAUSE so see if you can tell me which one of these buzzing calls is not the mating call of a deer." "Sean goes..." "DEEP ROARING NOISE" "Danny goes..." "ROARING" "David goes..." "AGONISED ROARING" "And Alan goes... dear!"" "we've actually hidden... well done." "right up to... there will be one question which is a hoax." "You play your hoax card and you get extra points. but don't have your hoax cards unspent at the end of the game." "I'm not going to tell you." "Can we play them more than once?" "possibly..." "No." "Oh." "I don't think this format has been worked out in enough detail." "that's crucial." "it was foolish. that's OK." "hang on." "How many lives do we get?" "Can you just do it or do you have to say something?" "that would count." "you just didn't see it." No." "I had no idea this whole thing would be so complicated." "then none of us lose out." "we all lose points and then it's just done." "LAUGHTER guys?" "You in for that?" "but we're all going to not really do it." "it might be a hoax." "no!" "I can see I've made a terrible rod for my own back here." "let's see what happens." "shifty looking characters." "What were they up to last night?" "This isn't a hoax." "They were all definitely up to something last night." "Thank God we didn't do that plan." "LAUGHTER" "Were they cottaging?" "They were cottaging." "LAUGHTER Sean Lock! We need a pint after that." "They were brewing." "They were up all night making a picnic table." "LAUGHTER they're in the studio tonight." "I just thought I'd warn you." "DANNY:" "They were winning the Mr Handsome contest." "That's more like it." "Were they harming horses?" "slash horses?" "like slashing horses." "Goats." "They were slashing goats." "No." "Let's..." "Let's assume we wouldn't invite into the studio people who maim animals." "Were they pretending to be gas men and thereby stealing the property of aged people?" "LAUGHTER would that help?" "Cathedral stealing." "LAUGHTER" "Grave robbing." "Grave robbing's always..." "They drew something rude on Stonehenge." "well done." "Crop circles." "Absolutely right." "APPLAUSE" "There they are. but what was the crop circle we commissioned them?" "A QI symbol." "A QI crop circle and they did it for us and it's rather impressive." "QI is run by aliens." "Would you like to see it?" "I certainly would." "let's have it." "We went to the expense of having a travelling aerial shot." "Oh!" "MUSIC: "The Ride of the Valkyries" by Wagner." "What do you think of that?" "Hoax!" "We did!" "That's real?" "It looks like the Led Zeppelin cover." "it was real. we were contacted by people..." ""Is it real or is it man-made?" "both." "I ask that about sandwiches all the time." "But it's a rather marvellous example of a breed of phenomenon that has been going since when?" "Is the farmer here tonight?" "We recompensed the farmer." "It doesn't actually do much damage." "How many mice were frightened in the making of that?" "We can't tell." "I bet this is older than we suspect." "yeah." "'70s it began and it got more and more refined." "There was a man called..." "Like Pizza Express." "There were a couple called..." "Yeah." "Doug Bower and Dave Chorley admitted that they'd been responsible for almost all of the crop circles." "They used to be on the news every summer." "There would be aerial shots and people called cereologists believed these were the work of people from outer space all kinds of nonsense. from where the engine blasts off back into space." "Where are our three here?" "Is that John Lundberg?" "There you are." "There's John." "Can you tell me how you did yours?" "What's the most technological item you need?" "which is a plank of wood and a loop of rope that you put under your foot to flatten the crop so they're very simple techniques and very simple tools." "What about your spaceship?" "What spaceship do you use?" "it's going to take a while." "So how many do you do a year in the season? but we've made hundreds over the years." "And are there still those who refuse to believe that it's all hoaxers like you?" "They've been ringing your production office." "That's right." "Are there people who've ever thought that graffiti on train lines was done by aliens?" "It's as logical." "Yeah." "which are..." "Very good." "which is not true." "There they go." "we can see them from here." "LAUGHTER he said they were runways for ancient space crafts. are they in B-52s?" "What do they need runways for? people came from far and wide on motor bikes and they churned the place up. and centuries in some parts in that part of South America." "So every line you can see around there is some hippy who's gone." "but they're splendid. they were just pissing around and would be rather embarrassed." "you write the word "dick". you'd be mortified." "People were sort of worshipping it." "LAUGHTER" "That's absolutely right." "thank you very much indeed." "Thank you." "There you are. but the second biggest crop in the States is marijuana after corn." "Really?" "in America." "there are huge areas of it." "It's very difficult to know how to get rid of it." "Sorry?" "The cauliflower is in decline." "Is it?" "I like cauliflower. make me a cauliflower cheese and I'd be a happy person." "Very well." "Thank you." "000 acres in Britain." "Really?" "Very good!" "Has there been a decline in demand for cauliflower?" "Yeah." "aren't they?" "They are stupid." "they think it doesn't taste of anything because they boil it and it doesn't." "if you break off a bit of cauliflower and look at it." "it looks like a tiny albino tree." "It does!" "I so agree." "you can mash it and it's a good substitute for mash." "I like to do it." "I like to do it in a bin with loads of other rubbish all round it." "And it all piles up round there and then you leave it out and the magical men take it away in a van." "there's a cauliflower in there!" "we have to cook it." "There's always the bin." "DAVID:" "That's how I react to a rat." "we're going to have to cook it." "isn't it?" "is it the centre of a plant?" "cauliflower?" "Yeah." "rather than three?" "LAUGHTER You have to cook it twice?" "You have to cook it twice!" "Cauliflower?" "You have to... then put it in another dish and cook it again with the sauce." "It's a nightmare." "LAUGHTER It's such a demanding vegetable." "it's all about time." "It wants to spend time with you before you eat it." "Nigella." "LAUGHTER a couple of coat hangers." "would you believe that they put a man on the moon?" "Who?" "NASA." "I believe so." "yes." "really." "But you probably know that a lot of people don't believe it." "I sort of believe one thing." "Uh-oh!" "Yeah?" "I kind of believe that they might have done some mocked-up fake photographs." "Really?" "Why?" "Because someone convinced me of it..." "Yeah?" "..by talking about the angle of light and the shadows. did they land on the moon?" and he looked so annoyed." "He explained how he had helped map the moon for NASA and the landing site was partly his idea he was going to be sick in my eyes." "It..." "They are rather tired of..." "Buzz Aldrin might have punched you." "Buzz Aldrin punched someone..." "Did he?" "..because he got so tired of these conspiracy arses." "I think it was a television documentary about..." "There have been several." "This photo couldn't possibly have been taken on the moon." "It was obviously taken in a studio." "You've got me started now but there are a lot of conspiracies." "6% of Americans believe that man didn't land on the moon a quarter of our nation." "apparently." "That's so depressing." "The flag." "It's one of the things I read... yes." "There it is." "they've starched the flag so they could get a good photograph of it." "They haven't stiffened it." "It's rumpled. which is a vacuum." "it doesn't stop for a long time." "There's no resistance against it." "So they unfurled it and it moved back and forth." "Ah!" "Breeze!" "A - they would be stupid enough to fake it and allow the take that had the breeze in it to go out. the least you'd expect is a flag moving a bit strangely." "You know what I mean?" "he's not there." "The flag moves a bit strangely..." "I can go with that." "Why isn't one of them holding up a camera?" "The one taking the picture is reflected in the visor of the other and he's not holding a camera." "you see." "Ah." "That's because they didn't put the camera up in front of their visor." "They were mounted." "You couldn't imagine them getting a camera out." "winding it on with gloves... the track record of the American government in terms of deceiving its population..." "Yes! but a worse record on getting found out." "The president can't keep a secret of where his penis is!" "Do you seriously think that they would...?" "you know." "If they can't even keep a secret of banging an intern in the White House... she would have just disappeared." "LAUGHTER it's just..." "I think NASA killed Michael Jackson." "That's a fact." "Right." "yeah?" "He died in about July last year. right?" "it comes up with him sliding backwards with a hat on." "And not the billions they spent going up to do a moon walk." "They hated that and they killed him." "LAUGHTER" "And I believe that's a fact. but I think it might have been Buzz." "Cos he's clearly a very angry man." "it was pointless." "People don't believe he went there." "It was pointless." "Of course he's going to kill someone." "LAUGHTER" "I'd like to go to the moon." "Would you?" "I'd love to do that." "You haven't mentioned the clincher." "One was the idea that below the lunar module that landed there was no crater or sense of disturbed dust." "the engines cut off and it hovered down and it very quickly landed. it doesn't send out spears of flame as it descends." "That just didn't happen." "And because it was designed by geniuses and not people tapping away at the internet who've got to go to work in the morning." "Who do you trust?" "We are in trouble as a species if people refuse to believe in things they couldn't actually do themselves." "So true!" "That's so true." "The other one was the footprints. only caked mud could do that." "But you can do that with flour." "It's very fine ground it coheres. which are now used for bouncing lasers off how far the moon is away from us." "You can make incredibly accurate measurements because of mirrors on the surface of the moon. was the Soviet Union and not once did they suggest that America hadn't done it." "we know this was hoax." Yeah." "for every ill-conceived argument there's an explanation to put our minds at rest." "Now for something closer to home." "How would you make your house the most famous house in Britain?" "That's easy." "Yeah?" "dismember them and bury them in the garden." "That..." "Marry the Queen." "You marry the Queen..." "Yes?" "you're not living in those palaces any more." "Carlisle." "OK." "Those would work." "Those would work." "Some sort of spectacular suicide?" "Mmm..." "I suppose the murdering people would work better which I think is sad." "you tie loads of balloons and your house goes... that would be sweet." "This was a bet that took place in 1810 that Hook could make any house he chose the most famous residence in London in one week." "He had a week in which to do it. but it all happened in one day." "I've heard of this." "Yeah?" "all kinds of different goods." "000 different tradesmen and services in all the commercial directories all over London." "He ordered chimney sweeps." "there were 12 chimney sweeps arriving." "And then more and more and more and more arrived." "It became absolutely gigantic. haven't we? a dozen pianos arrived." "The governor of the Bank of England turned up to see what the fuss was about. and er..." "There it is." "That sign doesn't fit that bit of wall." "It doesn't really. you'd have to read it in portrait..." "It's back to the drawing board." "They've got that all wrong." "Or just chill out about the whole thing." "that'd be nice." "HE CHUCKLES" "So it's like going on the internet and ordering the lot?" "Yes." "I'll have everything." "Exactly." "was besieged." "So he didn't live there?" "No!" "He chose..." "He just chose this house." "That was the point of the bet. the most famous house in London." "They used to have great bets." "People don't make bets like that any more." "Brooks's and White's in St James's - staggering bets. on which raindrop would get to the bottom of the... 000 in those days was..." "It's almost impossible to imagine." "You could have a servant for £10 a year." "it's a country house with thousands of acres." "This is how bored people were before television." "Basically." "Theodore Hook bet a man called Beasley that he could make 54 Berners Street the most famous house in London." "What conclusion did the great biologist Stephen Jay Gould draw from a lifetime's study of fish?" "Oh." "Yeah?" "They haven't got any legs." "Is that his lifetime's study?" "No." "It wasn't a study of a fish." "they smell." ""They haven't got any legs." "Starfish don't have brains." "It's the Louis Walsh of the aquatic world." "they're starfish." "to be honest." "I think." "Is a starfish a fish?" "Is a jellyfish a fish?" "Is a cuttlefish a fish?" "Is a seahorse a horse?" "But the starfish... in the world whether it should be down to experts in biology whether things are fish or whether it should be down to menus?" "a crayfish comes under fish on a menu..." "He looks like he's reading the sell-by date on that fish." "he's dead now." "he was a palaeontologist and a biologist that they..." "That there is no such thing as a fish." "Fish has no biological meaning." "There is just..." "So I'm absolutely right." "Go with menus." "is it?" "It often comes in the same bit and separate from puddings." "Things that live in the sea." "Fish and pudding are different." "How can something not be something?" "Something can't be not be not something." "then something has to be that something so it has to be a fish if there is the idea of fish in the first place." "I swear there's a philosophy lecturer somewhere who said... we use the word fish." "a camel than it is to a hagfish." "there are lots of things that fly." "a vulture flies and there are flying lizards." "They're not all birds but we call things that swim in the sea fish they have absolutely nothing to do with each other at all." "They are more closely related to us than to each other." "A friend of mine claims to be allergic to all seafood and fish." "Right." "Is that possible?" "Freshwater as well as seawater? and I think he's just fussy!" "AUDIENCE LAUGHS then order scallops cos they don't know it's shellfish." "They eat it and they're fine." "do they?" "What do elasmobranchs taste like?" "It's basically sharks and things like that...and rays." "Manta rays and things like that." "Rays can be very tasty." "lovely." "Skates with black butter and capers - wow!" "Stop it at once! biologist Stephen Jay Gould concluded there was no such thing as a fish." "how many fish are there in this photograph?" "That's got to be a trick question by the way you set that up." "yes... given that there's no such thing as fish..." "CLAXON SOUNDS" "APPLAUSE" "That's so unfair!" "where are you when I need you?" "Deeply unfair." "you see that shell on the right..." "Yes." "fish-like thing with an eye... that's actually part of the shell." "This mussel actually makes a thing that looks like a fish so that another fish comes along and its own parasitic larvae explode into the fish and live in its gills and are dispersed and grow." "We've got some film of it." "This is it." "The two eyes of this thing that looks like a fish... but it's just bits of flesh that have grown up on the top of the..." "That's clever." "It's very clever." "the other example was of animal mimicry deployed by the broken-rays mussel." "So from one skilled hoaxer to another..." "What did Nostradamus get right?" "The hat." "The hat." "He got the hat right." "The hat's good." "big mistake - the green coat with the brown hat." "It's crazy." "The hat looks cool." "Who is he?" "Have you not heard of Nostradamus?" "I've heard of him." "I've no idea where he lived." "His name was Michel de Nostredame." "He lived from 1503 to 1566." "He was a Provencal apothecary these four-line verses." "Were they deliberately obtuse? but why were they so obscure?" "He was a mystic and I suppose he..." "Who knows?" "He got drugged up and he just wrote down a four-line verse of whatever he saw." "He was a chemist." "An apothecary." "He had access to all kinds of crazy hooch." "Exactly." "gibberish." "Yes." "And a lot of idiots..." "Because even the people now that's not good value for money because all the things it's predicting won't happen for ages is nonsense." "it's only ever any use to predict something just after it's happened." "Wow. is he did a fantastic recipe for cherry jam." "He read other books and one of the books he read was about jams. is still as good as it ever was." "Really?" "demonstrably and repeatedly true." "He also made aphrodisiac jams made of sparrows' brains and all that sort of thing." "But generally speaking his cherry jam..." "Was a triumph." "It's something he got right." "I might make some jam..." "Yeah." "Why not?" "Know what you need?" "Fruit." "Sugar." "And sugar." "Pectin." "I'm not going to make nice jam." "Fair enough." "What sort of jam are you going to make?" "Horrible jam." "There could be a market in that." "Cinnamon sticks..." "Sean's horrible jam." "You don't know what I've put in this stuff." "I call it." "Sean's Bingo Jam!" "One jar in every hundred is AMAZING!" "it's instant vomit as soon as you open it. he was busy compiling a rather excellent collection of jam recipes." "Now?" "Who's the most famous person to have been beaten..." "Hello?" "Do you think that's a massive hoax?" "Yeah." "Hoax." "JINGLE PLAYS Oh!" "You're wrong." "Oh." "you idiot!" "you've... well." "Anyway." "the question had finished." "no." "It was too late." "You stopped me." "So who was the most famous person to be beaten by a machine at chess?" "You get double points if you can name the machine." "Me." "I got beaten by a Hoover." "Is that right?" "Yes." "Somebody left it on and it moved the pieces around and it still beat me." "That's how bad I am at chess." "The key thing in the question is not most famous chess grand master." "It could be Marilyn Monroe or..." "It's not a famous chess player?" "No." "Very well worked out." "There is..." "The Queen." "the great grand master..." "He lost to..." "Deep Blue." "But that wasn't..." "The Queen is the most famous person in the world." "Did she lose to a ZX80?" "This was someone who was more famous than the Queen in his day as it were!" "Had a higher rank than queen." "Jesus." "Jesus...?" "Jesus isn't really a rank." "Jesus." "It's a rank. "I am Jesus."" "though." "that's true." "You can't handle the truth." "Jesus Plays Chess sounds like an indie band or it will be." "Napoleon." "Napoleon is the right answer." "Do you know what the machine might have been?" "Famous in its day." "Was it some sort of clever wind-up automaton?" "It was an automaton and it was unbelievably clever." "It was called the Mechanical Turk and the Turk was made of machinery there would be a man inside who was a chess master." "He would manipulate the machinery to make the Turk pick up and move the pieces." "So it was a genuinely astonishing piece of machinery that unfortunately burned in a fire in 1854." "Napoleon rather fancied himself at chess so he was extremely annoyed to be beaten in 19 moves by this machine." "you might like to know." "who was in Paris at the time as ambassador for the newly formed United States." "What was the deal with it?" "They were unaware that there was a grand master inside?" "Yeah." "OK." "They thought it was a machine." "Charles Babbage was beaten by it." "He's the father of computing." "He invented the difference engine. he would never have invented the difference engine." "Exactly." "a remarkable thing." "000 to build a version that worked." "The name of the man who invented it was Wolfgang Von Kempelen and he did it to impress the Empress Maria Theresa." "And it sure did." "It impressed everybody." "It's rather wonderful." "The Mechanical Turk." "amongst other people." "what's the best way to give a squad of American soldiers the screaming heebie-jeebies in a plane?" "Snakes." "Snakes might do it!" "That's a pretty good way." "you want to research people panicking." "Is this a cash prize?" "Is that it?" "It could be..." "When they were trying to test - how can we test the evacuation procedure?" " so they get people in a plane and turn some lights off and so some fake smoke but it's obviously not crashing and so now everyone evacuates in an orderly way. it's a massive fight and loads of people die." "So in order to properly fake the conditions of jeopardy... 000." "And then suddenly everyone's panicking and screaming and it's like there's a real... you don't have to do that." "Basically you can just do what you like with them." "you hoax them." "You put them up in a plane cos what you're interested in is how humans perform under extreme stress. and you might be surprised to learn that people are crap under these conditions." "They just write drivel and they're no use at all." "What was the point of doing this?" "I don't see that anyone's learned anything from that experiment." "Just seems unnecessarily cruel." "You learn how people respond under genuine stress." "You may say..." "They panic and they shit themselves." "yeah..." "I think I'm going to play my Joker about that..." "JOKER CACKLES" "So sorry..." "But I just..." "Nostradamus' jam was..." "I don't know why experiments remind me of..." "You know elbow-licking?" "Yeah." "Can a human lick their own elbow?" "No." "It can't be done." "CLAXON SOUNDS" "Oh!" "Hello." "That's interesting." "OK." "Because you got some points a few times ago when you were here..." "On the very first show!" "actually." "Did you know that it's impossible for a human being to lick their elbow?" "who can lick their elbow." "Put your hand up if you can lick your elbow." "Higher!" "There you are." "What's your name?" "Selena." "Selena. by licking her elbow." "not some kind of freak!" "she's a charming human being!" "Let's have a look." "ladies and gentlemen?" "APPLAUSE" "That's brilliantly done!" "Is there a..." "Is there a reason for this?" "Can you do both together like that?" "Is there a reason...?" "Have you always been able to do it or you were dropped as a child?" "You can just do it?" "Yeah." "it's not right." "Shall I do the other one?" "It does mean we will have to deduct some points from you." "I'll look forward to that on Dave." "The following programme has an erroneous score." "we like to get these things right." "the US army devised a series of experiments to put the fear of God into soldiers to test their form-filling skills under stress." "But enough hoaxes." "It's time for some general ignorance." "if you please." "Are there hoaxes...?" "How can you tell...?" "..in the general ignorance?" "No." "The Joker's gone?" "haven't we?" "We missed it." "You will find out." "How can you tell if someone is lying?" "dear! their sphincter..." "If they clench up their sphincter..." "Let's suppose you haven't got a finger on their sphincter..." "DEER BELLOWING" "..and you aren't holding their hand." "Yeah?" "What they've said turns out not to be true." "Yeah." "APPLAUSE" "Yay!" "That's how you can tell they HAVE lied." "and they were just idiots." "it doesn't tell you they ARE lying." "How about if they begin the sentence with..." "The Liberal Democrats have a lot in common with us." "Very good." "dear!"" "They work for an estate agent's." "APPLAUSE" "Oh!" "Is there a bitterness behind that?" "it's just an observation." "Is it something physical?" "It is but not tactile." "You can't touch them. they look up left instead of up right or up right instead of up left or something like...?" "CLAXONS HOWL" "I was." "I think I know what it is." "Embrace the claxon." "I'm trying to. er... l-l-l-l..." "Let me..." "T-t-t-t-t-t-t..." "I reckon." "I mean... you are more right than David by a long way." "The point is it's very hard to see if someone's lying. the things that people think are to do with it." "It's all to do with how they're speaking." "Is this why it's easier to tell if someone's lying on the phone than face to face?" "Exactly so. showing them videos of people telling the truth and lying." "They found that people performed no better than chance." "so-called experts - returned the same result." "people are much more accurate." "About 73% accuracy listening to lies." "So the thing to do is shut your eyes." "Is that man going to shoot him?" "It's a very early polygraph." "doesn't it?" "Right. "Name?" "John."" "Wrong." Boom." "Presumably that means it's easier to dupe the deaf than the blind." "it isn't." "That's true." "claims 000 people do have a natural ability to detect lies by actually looking at expressions." "very few people." "He named them the truth wizards and they're able to read micro-expressions that last milliseconds in ways that others aren't." "there you are. but they'll have a better chance if they focus on your speech." "What's the one thing you know for sure about oranges?" "They're orange." "They're orange?" "CLAXONS GO OFF Oh!" "That's the problem." "in fact." "I know." "Supermarkets have to make them orange a lot of the time." "oranges are actually green." "And there you can see how green they are." "but supermarkets tend to use a gas to take the chlorophyll out cos we shoppers prefer to see an orange skin." "I'm a sucker for when they have variations... but most punters would like their oranges to be..." "I've worked in orange groves and they were orange." "got the sack..." "LAUGHTER" "..fell asleep when I was meant to be mending irrigation pipes." "That's not a good story." "And they were orange." "Yes?" "The little blighters were orange." "All of them." "There wasn't one little green bugger amongst them. and in deserts and in places made-up like the kibbutz." "Tell you something about oranges." "What's that?" "They're not the only fruit." "that." "Do you know where the word comes from or what the original word was?" "It's naranja." "Naranja." "That's the Spanish for orange." "The original naranja is Sanskrit it loses the N. like a nadder was a snake." "don't they?" "It should be called a nanorange." "Just a norange would do." "A norange?" "yeah." "That'll do it." "Well done." "Should an apple be called a nappie?" "it doesn't work with apple." "for example." "that's just silly." "But er..." "It works with a nadder." "That's now become an adder but is was originally "a nadre." "An adder." "Right." "And an ick name." "it became a nickname but it was originally an ick name." "What's an ick...?" "It became a nickname." "Right." "Sean." "What was it called before?" "Ick name." "an ick name?" "Where does that come from?" "That's not a fruit." "No!" "Arrgh!" "APPLAUSE man." "Heaven help us all." "Oranges are not necessarily orange and there's a good case for saying that they started as greens." "What do swimming pools smell of?" "Hmm." "Children." "Probably true." "dear!" "..is chlorine." "CLAXON SOUNDS Ow!" "They will do if you put chlorine in them." "You don't smell the chlorine. the way to get rid of it is to add chlorine." "Chlorine reacting with the child's urine." "Yeah." "Chloramines are formed by sweat and urine and faecal matter and lots of other horrible things in swimming pools added to chlorine." "add chlorine." "I should tell you that not one of you managed to identify the hoax because the idea of the hoax was itself a hoax." "There was no hoax." "GROANING" "APPLAUSE" "This..." "This is an outrage." "This is like the end of Lost." "It's endearing how much it matters to them." "So everything you heard was as true as trousers." "So the winner tonight..." "Wow!" "A-ha!" "The winner tonight with an impressive minus one is Sean Lock." "I won?" "You won." "And..." "You won this discredited show." "is David Mitchell." "APPLAUSE" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Danny Baker." "APPLAUSE" "You grassed me up!" "Grassed up by the elbow-licker!" "Alan Davies." "Thank you very much." "APPLAUSE AND CHEERING" "Sean and Alan." "I leave you with an observation from Will Rogers." "The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected." "Thank you and goodnight." "APPLAUSE" "Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd" "Email subtitling@bbc.co.uk"