"Murder Most Horrid" "Mangez Merveillac" "From the first moment I arrived" "I knew I had stumbled upon the beating heart of France." "With the warm spring sunshine dappling on the old yellow stone," "Merveillac stretched out her arms to me and greeted me like a long lost friend." ""Bonjour!" ""Bonjour!" "The patron of the hotel welcomed me into his cafe where the ummistakable scent of garlic mingled with the heady heavenly aroma of roasting goose." "And he bad me sup." "Non." "Non." "Non." "It was never like that." "It was never like that." "I know." "I was there." "You speak English?" "English, German, a bit of Japanese." "Whichever languages that stupid book was translated into." "They all came here." "Yes, I can see why." "It's very peaceful." "It is now." "Go away, monsieur, we do not have tourists here any more." "What do you mean?" "She arrived on a Wednesday..." "Bonjour!" "Come on!" "Nous sommes fermer!" "No you're not." "Now come on, open up." "I've had a long drive." "I am tired, I am hungry, I am not in the mood for buggering about with any of this French half-day closing nonsense." "Now come on!" "Ah, so you are open." "Splendid." "Mes valises sont dans la voiture." "Ah, Madame, enchante de vous voir." "Je suis tres fatigue." "Dest tres loin de Boulogne et la peripherique." "Do you speak English?" "Yes, I do." "I do." "Once again my rather perfect classical French has been wasted on you lot." "Oh, be careful with that typewriter, monsieur." "That is the instrument of my genius." "Yes, monsieur, you are looking at Verity Hodge." "Auteur and von viveur." "Author of Tucking into Tuscany...?" "What is it that you want?" "That, monsieur, is exactly what I said to my publisher." "And she said "Verity, darling, Italy is finished." "The punters want France so get over there and use any bit of France that hasn't been written about." "I can't tell you how long it has taken me to find this place." "So, patron." "Seduce my senses." "Tickle my tastebuds." "What have you got?" "We have burger, pizza, hot dog." "Is that it?" "Nothing French?" "French Fries?" "Merde." "Well I see I've got my work cut out for me here." "She moved in upstairs and began to write about Merveillac." "The food, the wine, the Market of St. Michel..." "Oh." "Yeah." "The market." "I loved that bit." "I loved that. "...where the whole community gathers in a riotous cacophony of culinary colour..."" "A gorious celebration of a medieval agricultural heritage, where amongst the tripe and the trufles, the chacuterie and the cheeses, one could haggle wih the farmers' wives and flirt with the farmes." "Non, non, non." "The Market of St Michel it is an Hypermarche." "Like you Marks and Spencers, like your Asda, like your Iceland." "Les enfants aiment beaucoup les fishfingers." "Est-ce que dest Le Capitaine Birdseye?" "Non, dest le own-brand." "Mais pour nous ily a Le M and S Ready Meal." "Ah." "Le Coq au Vin." "Excellent!" "Ca suffit pour Ie soir avec un video de Basic Instinct." "Pas encore Ie Basic Instinct..." "This place is disgustingly spotless!" "What's the matter with you people!" "What am I supposed to write about?" "Where's your sloppy gallic charm?" "Your laissez-faire love ability?" "God, your filthy rural peasantyness?" "Poor misguided buggars." "Are you saying that Verity Hodge made parts of it up?" "No, I am saying she made all of it up." "And you let her get away with it?" "Monsieur, you have never met Verity Hodge." "She was a very difficult woman to say no to." "She demanded that I cooked in a way that I never cooked before." "French food..." "it's very difficult." "I'm writing the Final Chapter Patron." "It's called The Best Meal Ever." "So I sincerely hope it will be." "The Final Chapter..." "The Best Meal Ever." "I began slowly pacing myself with the tiniest of canapes presented as an individual pastry feuillete garnished with the wildest of mushrooms." "Then a slice of the lightest Roquefort and Fourme D'amberl Flan." "More!" "The patron insisted on taking me on a gourmet Tour de France with a table for my bicycle and a napkin for my yellow jersey." "We raced through soupes and tartes and confits and pates and magrets an souffles and cassoulet and a cornucopia of other stuff, truly it was a meal to remember." "It was a meal that somehow captured the essence of my sojourn..." "Patron, remind me what I've eaten?" "I need a list of the ingredients." "Right, now I just need to gratuitiously elbow in the title again in the last sentence" ""When I die, they shall find engraved on my head two simple words:" "Mangez Merveillac!"" "Hello, I'd like to speak to Phillip please..." "Yes, well it would seem that he's been at lunch since last Thursday... all right, all right, all right, all right, all right..." "I just wanted to know if he got my manuscript, it's Verity Hodge here..." "Phillip!" "Hello." "Back from lunch so quickly, that's marvellous." "How are you?" "Everybody loves it?" "Oh, that is good." "That's very good." "Especially the part with the tap-dancing goat." "I know, that's hilarious." "Yes, well you should see it here, Philip." "It's an extraordinary place." "Pardon, you want to what?" "Right, no, no, that's super." "Bye bye." "Apparently, it's a phenomenal success." "Sunday Times want to serialise it." "Sainsbury's want to do a tie-in." "And bloody Radio Four have got it as their Morning Story." "And guess what baggage they want to read it?" "Guess." "Felicity Kendall?" "Yes." "Success indeed, Madame." "It's wonderful." "No it's not." "It's terrible." "Everybody loves Merveillac and they're queuing up to come over here and see it for themselves." "Thousands of them." "So what is the problem?" "The problem is, Patron, that Merveillac is a buggering dump, so I've had to help it along a little bit in my book." "You know, give it a little bit of spin, little bit of gloss." "And now they're all going to come over here and find me out." "I'm finished." "I think perhaps it is time we went to bed." "How can you think of a thing like that at a time like this!" "What?" "God, you're just like all the other bloody men in my life who find themselves falling hopelessly in love with me." "Do you know who you remind me patron?" "The young Phillip Larkin." "Totally obsessed with me, dear boy." "Venes, vanes." "Did I ever tell you about A.J.P. Taylor?" "Yes, madam." "He was a horny little bugger that one." "Dear, dear, dear, dear Shakin' Stevens..." "Johnny, I think this is the end of Verity Hodge." "No, no, not no, no." "What the hell am I going to do?" "But by the next afternoon, Madame Hodge was in a very different mood." "Merveillac was going to have to change." "What exactly do we think we are doing here?" "It's Euros port Gazza!" "Lazio!" "I'm sorry, but I have just written a rather fabulous book celebrating rural French life and you are sitting here watching satellite television" "It's not exactly helpful is it?" "Now I want all of you out in that square now playing boules." "Now come on, everybody, out." "What are you doing, Madame?" "These are very important people!" "And they are my customers." "Before long you are going to have more customers than you'll know what to do with." "And they are coming here to see Merveillac." "My Merveillac." "Ever heard the expression money talks, Francois?" "My name is Johnny." "Not any more it isn't." "Play the game my way and this village will be very, very rich." "More boules!" "Yes, that's very good, yes." "Right, now." "Sit on there could you?" "Paquet pour Madame!" "Merci." "I do like the rusty old bicycle." "Much better than your modern van isn't it?" "Yes, this place might just pass." "Francois!" "Look." "It's my book..." "Shhh!" "Vite, vite, dest soir..." "Oh, Mummy, Rollo's sick and I need the toilet." "Now look you two, this is Mummy and Daddy's bit of the holiday." "You've had your fun..." "Will you two stop fighting!" "Hello." "Hello!" "Is this Merveillac!" "You know, Verity Hodge!" "Marvellous piece in the Sunday Times." "Oui." "I can't wait to try the creamy brondade of cod topped with the quails eggs..." "Hello, Welcome, Bien venue!" "Can I help?" "Darling!" "It's Verity Hodge!" "It's her, she's here." "Verity!" "You're a genius." "Am I?" "No, yes, alright." "Brilliant place!" "Pity about the bloody tourists." "Look!" "Is that the goat that does the tap dance?" "It will start the lessons tomorrow." "We've had another wonderful week Verity." "Have you?" "Do you know from the moment I set eyes on Merveillac" "I knew I'd come across a little bit of paradise." "Something so..." "Merci... something so rare, something so perfect, something so very fragile." "And I knew I had to share it with many others." "Do you know, Merveillads rather Chartres." "Chartres was amazing." "That was where there was that magnificent sausage." "Oh, much better than the sausage at Rheims." "That was very disappointing." "Or was that Notredame?" "No, Notredame was where we had to rush the sausage to get into that cathedral before it closed." "OW!" "Look I'm in the communications business and I thought, heck, somebody's got to bloody well stand up and say something here." "On behalf of everybody, I'd like to thank someone who doesn't get a lot of credit but certainly without whom none of this would be possible." "I'd like us to raise our glasses and express our thanks to..." "Verity Hodge." "Of course I humbly accept your thanks because everything you say is true but let us not forget that a little sliver of your appreciation really does belong to the people of France, because O.K." "they may not wash, O.K. they may not bother to learn our language, but oh boy, can they stuff a mushroom, eh?" "Bloody journalists." "They've made some of these quotes up." "In that picture I look like I've got a bloody double chin." "Yes, of course." "Thank you, marvellous." "Well done, super, super, super..." "Marvellous, there we go..." "It's a marvellous book," "Hang on a minute, this isn't my book." "Oh yes it is." "What are you talking about?" "I'm talking about plagiarism." "My name is Dorothy Templecombe and you have stolen my best recipes." "You're nothing but a common thief." "I'm terribly sorry everybody." "This woman is clearly completely mad." "It's one of the burdens of celebrity I'm afraid." "Mad people bothering you." "Listen, Granny." "I don't know what your game is but I've got The South Bank" "Show coming here next week and if you haven't disappeared by then you're dead." "The South Bank Show!" "Yes, it's like The Late Show only with viewers." "You're a wicked, wicked woman." "I'm warning you, you senile old fruitcake." "No wrinkly crackpot is going stop Melvyn puffing my Sequel." "Sequel?" "Un sequel!" "Un sequel!" "Un sequel!" "Un sequel!" "Un sequel!" "The village was in uproar." "By the next morning we had made our decision." "And so, for the first time since 1789, the village had decided to throw a grande fete in my honour to mark the end of the solstice." "Une lettre?" "Pour moi?" "Merci." "So where are you then?" "I'm here... and you've got to listen to me." "Look, there's clearly been some kind of misunderstanding and somehow there appears to be a minor overlap between your book and my book, but let's face it dear, that's tough." "But I..." "I am not having any geriatric nobody standing between me and my hard-earned success." "I'm not some tuppeny halfpenny housewife who's had a little bit in Woman's Realm you know." "I am Verity Hodge." "I'm selling more books than Dickens." "And I am here to warn you." "No, no, no, no." "I'm warning you." "You are going to die." "Don't you threaten me, you illiterate prune." "You are going to die." "Get back..." "I tell you, you're going to die..." "Get back..." "You are going to die..." "Madame Hodge." "I must ask you to come with me at once." "I can explain everything really." "The feast!" "We were looking for you everywhere." "Please." "Right." "Oooh, whatever." "Where's my...?" "Oh, look, it's the main course." "This is so good, it's completely taken my mind off work." "Really, Mike?" "Yeah, I haven't thought of Peter Barnett," "Chris Appleby or the whole O  M deal once." "Where is everybody?" "I wonder what this herb is." "Verity would know." "Where is Verity?" "This was billed as Verity's Dinner." "We haven't even seen her since she arrived." "Bit of a bloody rip if you ask me." "Like that goat." "That wasn't a tap-dance." "More a son of shuffle." "The man poking it with a stick can't have helped." "Yes." "Oi!" "Garcon!" "We want Verity." "Ah, Monsieur Bogleby." "I hope you have enjoyed your meal." "Listen Monsieur Matey, no of fence but we didn't come all this bloody way to watch some bloody frogs done up in fancy dress." "We came here for Verity and we want Verity." "We want Verity!" "We want Verity!" "Verity?" "But you have just had her." "Is this some son of a joke?" "Because if it is, it's in pretty bloody poor taste?" "No joke." "We know how seriously you take your food." "All right, what have you done with her?" "We have created the ultimate Verity Hodge recipe." "So now you can get in your Ford Mondeos and your Vauxhall Senators and go back to your Crawley, and your Croydon." "Go and tell them what a marvellous time you had here in Merveillac with all the amusing peasants." "Oh, and tell them how well you ate there." "All thanks to verity Hodge... with a little onion, a little garlic and plenty of red wine." "They're all mad!" "Bloody mad!" "Let's get out of here before they eat the rest of us!" "Regardez." "We've eaten her." "We've eaten Verity Hodge." "I tried to warn her." "I knew what they were planning." "Onions, garlic, plenty of red wine, salt to taste." "It was one of my recipes." "The next day the tourists left and they never came back." "Verity Hodge was never found." "Is that what really happened?" "That is what they say happened and the tranquility of the village has been preserved for ever." "But is it true?" "I need to know." "Look around you." "Good enough for me." "I'll buy it." "I represent Warner Brothers." "We're taking up the option on a screenplay called CANNIBALS, based on your story, start shooting here starting as soon as possible." "Un film?" "Yeah." "You're going to be famous." "We got Danny de Vito to play the Mayor, we got Meryl Streep playing Verity, and this is going to blow your socks off, playing you, we got Joe Pesci." "This place is going to be buzzing." "O.K. Brad!" "Let's make movies!" "Come on!" "No, no, no," "[Theme tune]" "He swallowed it." "Hook line and sinker." "Now we will be SERIOUSLY rich." "Here's to Hollywood!"