" The old AC is going jolly well." " Yes darling, it seems to be." "The old trick worked, you see." "We changed the stroke ratio on the crankshaft." " You get less revs and more horsepower." "Do your parents live all on their own out here?" "No, they've got a couple of Davenport 257s, bought them cheap during the war." "Had both the engines re-bored, put in a dual piston screw converter." "Cleaned up an old Lucas 200 distributor and banged in four carburettors." " It goes like a rocket." " It's not any better, is it, darling?" " No." " I think you ought to give up driving." "I can't give up driving, Dora." "Who'd look after the Talbot?" "I mean, the adjustments on those pistons need oiling twice a week" " and the tappet clearances..." " Oh, stop it, Hugo." "Sorry." "Hugo, you must decide between the car or me." "All right, I'll take the car." " Oh!" " I love her, Dora." "I love the way I can get twice the speed at less revs by a simple adjustment to the timing ratio in the engine." "Or by putting the two coils in the alternator lead..." "Stop here, Hugo." "Emergency stop?" "Oh, jolly good." "Look at that, eh?" "No locking." "That's using the new friction liner pads we fitted." "Goodbye, Hugo." "Goodbye, love." " Hugo?" " Goodbye." "Hugo?" "Oh, Hugo." "Hello, Hugo darling." "Hello, Mumsy." "How about that?" "Darkstones Moor to here in 41.7 minutes." "That's an average of 56." " Jolly good old tub." " Where's Dora?" "You know, Ma, that's the first time we've used that re-bored cylinder and that new petrol injector feed I was telling you about." "Where's Dora?" "Uh, she got out on Darkstones Moor." "She got out on Darkstones Moor?" "Yes, I think that's what made all the difference to the average." "You know, I remember once taking the Morgan out on the Brooklands track with old Tiny Townsend." "Two of us could only squeeze 50, and that was with a twin exhaust." "Yes, dear, how interesting." "Clive, Dora's out on Darkstones Moor alone." " She what?" " Hello, Father." " I'll kill him." " Not now, Dada." "He's very bad today." "We'd better call a doctor." "Hey, come and see this new manifold now I've cleaned it all up." "Call a doctor?" " What he needs is a damn good thrashing." " Clive, please!" "He needs the skin taken off his back with a triple-thonged bamboo-backed leather strip!" "That's what he needs." "Remember what the doctors in London said." "Doctors?" "What doctors need is a damn good flogging." "You know what the Ottoman Turks used to do with loonies?" " He's not a loony, Dada!" " Used to tie 'em to trees." "Beat 'em senseless." "They didn't stand for any nonsense." "Hugo, come and lie down." "It's been a long journey." "But don't you want to see the remould on the cylinders?" "It's a super little job." "Let me just kick him!" "Dora was such a nice girl, dear." "She can't have much upstairs if she spends her time with a loony like Hugo." "I don't think we should just leave her there, Dada." "Damn good for her if you ask me." "You know what the Malays used to do to find out if a man was really a warrior or not?" " They used to tear out his..." "Who's that?" "That will be Charles and Ruth, dear." "That pair, come to ruin me weekend again, I suppose." "They've come all the way down from London for your birthday, Clive." "The least you can do is to be civil to them." "They only come down to see whether I'm dead or not!" "I'll be upstairs if they want me." "Mr Charles and Miss Ruth, my lady." " Charles!" " Hello, Mumsy." " Hello, Lady Chiddingfold." " Hello, my dear, I'm so glad you've come." "We've had an awful time with Hugo, you know." "He left Dora alone on Darkstones Moor." "Yes, yes." "We passed her in the car." " How was she?" " Oh, very distraught, not at all well." "Yeah, she only had her summer frock on, poor girl." " Where's Father?" " He's in his lair, dear." "Very well, I better go and say hello." "Would you like a cup of tea, Ruth dear?" "Well, perhaps something a little stronger, I feel, after that journey, Lady Chiddingfold." " Coffee?" " No, I meant something a little stronger." " In the sense of..." " Bovril with two spoonfuls or Marmite?" "No, I was thinking of something more in the line of a whisky." "Bovril and whisky?" "No, just the whisky." "Of course, Ruth my dear, I'm so sorry." "I'm in such a damn muddle at the moment." "Ah, Manners, a whisky please." "With Bovril, milady?" "No, no, no." "Just a whisky, Manners." "Hello, Father." "Hello, Charles." "Bloody Oscar Wilde." "What did you say, Father?" "Bloody Oscar Wilde!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Yes, yes." "Yes." "And how is the Foreign Office?" "Uh, not bad really, we finished painting the Whitehall side, and we start on the west front next week." "Still no chance of a job inside?" "No, far too dim." "Yes, I suppose so." "Oh!" "No, Manners, whisky in a whisky glass." "Yes, milady." "The garden's looking delightful, Lady Chiddingfold." "Oh, yes, they're all over 60, you know." "Knowles is 97." "Took him 13 hours to pull up a weed the other day." "Of course, Clive wants to have them neutered." "No, I said the gardens." "Ah, your whisky at last." "Shall we join the men upstairs?" " Much better." " Mmm." "I was saying to Lady Chiddingfold how fine the grounds were looking." "She certainly has the green fingers in this family." "The only man with green fingers I ever knew was Tooler Moran of the KOLI." "He was beating some chappie in Burma for breathing too regularly." "Not now, Clive." "You know, he was one of the few men I know who was squeezed to death by an anaconda." "All his innards." "Dear, listen to that wind." "Going to be a hell of a night if you ask me!" "Ever fought the Turks?" "They were vicious johnnies!" "There was this fella, he was obviously some sort of commander wallah." "Big chap, boils all over his forehead." "He orders a whole platoon to get out their bayonets." "Then he gets them to pull back their own fingernails one by one!" " And put quicklime..." " Oh!" "What's the matter with her?" "Oh, it's nothing, Father." "She's just a touch squeamish, that's all." "Squeamish?" "It wouldn't have done me any good to be squeamish." "We didn't have any time for that squeamish nonsense." "When you're fighting next to a fellow with both his knees hanging off, you can't afford to start getting squeamish." "Hello, all." "No one told me I was missing supper." "Hugo... darling." "My God, here comes the family loony." "Hello, Charles." "Hello, Ruthy." "Farther, you know you used to have one of those barracuda eight cylinders with an overhead camshaft?" "Hugo, don't bother your father now." "Go back to bed and have a nice rest." "Well, the other day I was trying to realign the cylinders on the old AC." "You know, soup it up a bit." "And apparently, the easiest way to do it with an overhead camshaft like the one you've got..." " Oh, go away!" " Hugo, to bed, please." " ...is to realign the throttle control." " Hugo, please, you're not well." "I'm all right, Mumsy." "Don't worry about me." "Of course you're not all right, you idiot!" "Manners, help me take Master Hugo back upstairs, please." "Yes, milady." "Give him a damn good throttling." "Ah, that's what I mean." "It's all in the throttle." "An extra half yard of cable attached directly to the carburettor feed, aligned to the angle of the distributor head, increase the compression ratio." "And if you readjust the connecting wire..." "What a disaster!" "I'd rather have a box of fish than a son like that." "Looking forward to your birthday tomorrow, Pater?" "No." "The trouble is, Mumsy, that on the specification there's a black lead to the distributor..." "Yes, just rest, dear." "Do you think I'll ever get over it, Mother?" " I hope so, dear." "Just keep eating lots of fruit." " Oh, no!" "That'll be your father being murdered." " What happened?" " Uh, Dada has been murdered." "Oh dear, but how?" "I don't know." "I didn't see who did it." "I was over at the wall in the end seeing if there was a secret door in it." "And suddenly I heard a shot and I came over here and found that he was dead." " Oh, perhaps he shot himself." " Yes, yes, that's probably it." "Well, I can't see a gun anywhere." "Perhaps he shot himself and then threw the gun out of the window to lay suspicion on the gardeners or something." "He's been shot in the back." "Mumsy, who would have wanted to kill him?" " We all would, dear, you know that." " Yes, yes, I suppose so." " Milady." " Yes, Manners?" "It's Miss Ruth." "She is dead as well, milady." "Oh, not now, Manners, please." "Milady, I just thought you would like to know." "Yes, I do appreciate it, Manners, but with my husband just being murdered and having Hugo in bed and everything..." " Can we read the will now, Mumsy?" " No, dear." "Look, darling, we must get it sorted out in here first." "How many people are dead?" " Well, there's Daddy." " Yes, that's one." " And poor old Ruthy." " Yes, that's right, two." "And what about Hugo?" " Hugo's not dead." " Well, he's not very well, is he, Mumsy?" "But I only want to know who's actually dead, dear." "Perhaps I'd better pop upstairs and check on Hugo." " He's awfully quiet." " All right." "Don't give him a shock, dear." "Don't tell him what's happened." "Oh, no, no, no." "I'll be ever so careful." " Manners?" " Yes, milady?" "Go and check the gun case immediately." "Yes, milady." " Oh, and Manners?" " Yes, milady?" "Tell Edith we'll only be three for lunch tomorrow." "Yes, milady." "The telephone, milady." "Yes, thank you, Manners." " Hello?" "Hello?" "Oh, hello, Madge." "Yes." "Yes." "Yes." "Oh!" "Oh, dear, what a shame." "I'm so sorry." "And he's got to have the whole lot out, has he?" "Yes." "Well, I'm sure he'll be better for it." "They say that, yes." "Oh, yes!" "Madge, can I ring you back?" "No, no." "It's just that a couple of people have died and I..." "What?" "No, one shot." "One drowned, I think." "Yes, it is a shame." "Yes." "Yes, Clive was one of them." "Shot in the back." "I'm afraid so." "Oh, yes, it is." "Oh, yes." "Well, he was 87!" "Look, Madge, I really must..." "What?" "No, I'm sure it's better Frank had it out." "Yes, at least he'll be able to sit down properly again." "Yes, yes." "At the cottage hospital?" "Oh, yes they are very nice." "Yes, I'm sure." "Look, Madge, I must dash, I've heard another..." "In a ward of his own?" "Oh, yes, that's so much nicer." "Oh, yes, quite." "Look, I must dash, really." "Madge, I think someone else has been..." "What?" "Yes." "Yes, of course I can." "I can give you a lift." "Right, yeah." "Yes, yes, 3:00 outside Lewis's." "Bye." "Mumsy, it's just as well I looked, Hugo is dead." "Hugo is dead?" "Yes, I didn't see who did it again." "I was talking to him one minute and suddenly I looked under the bed to see if there was a trap door leading to a secret passage underneath the house, and I heard a shot." "And I looked up and there he was, Hugo," "Dada's eldest son who stood to inherit everything, dead." "Definitely dead." "Shall I call the police, milady?" "It may not be necessary, Manners." "No, I don't think there's anything the police can do." " Waste of the rate-payers money, really." " Will you leave us for a moment, Manners?" "Yes, milady." " Charles?" " Yes, Mumsy-pie?" "I'd rather keep this in the family, if you don't mind." "Oh, yes, I quite agree." "You don't want any..." "So be completely honest with me." "Did you kill them, Charles?" "No, of course I didn't, Mumsy!" "You killed Aunt Mabel, dear." " That was ages ago." "What was that?" "Oh, dear, who on earth can that be?" "It's half-past twelve." "Jehovah's Witnesses?" " Oh!" " Dora!" "Charles?" "Charles, dear, have you been murdered?" "Uh, no, Mumsy." "Just cleaning one of Pater's old 12 bores and it went off." "Oh dear, it gave me quite a shock." "Thank God it didn't hit anyone." "Uh..." "Well, it did hit someone, Mumsy." " Who, dear?" " Uh, Hugo." "But Hugo is dead already, dear." "Yes, yes." "That was the lucky thing." "Oh, well, do take care, dear." "If I were you, I should put them away!" "Who, Manners and Dora?" "No, the guns, dear." "Oh!" "Frightened of the police, eh, Mumsy?" "No, of course not, dear, I just don't want anyone else to be murdered, that's all." "Who, uh..." "Who were you ringing up this morning, Mumsy?" "If you must know, I was phoning up Dr Farson." "Who is Dr Farson?" "Dr Farson is a very clever doctor from Inverness." "And he happens to be an old friend of your father." "He's agreed to see Dora and perhaps help find out who killed your father and poor Hugo." "Oh, Mumsy, it doesn't matter who did it." "The fact is they're both dead, Hugo definitely." "I think we ought to open the will and see how much money and land we're all getting, so I can go back to London on Monday." "I know how busy you are, Charles, darling." "But I can't actually let all these murders go by without doing something." "Dr Farson is very clever man and, what's more, he'll be discreet about it." "Now please go and put some things on, dear." "Well, he'll only say they've been murdered, and you know what that means." "Well, let's see, dear." "We may find it isn't murder." "They might have fallen on the bullets or something." "No, I know." "They'll all look at me as though I murdered them." "Just like they did with Aunt Mabel." "Well, you did murder Aunt Mabel, dear." "There you go, Mumsy." "Even you're holding it against me." "I'm not holding it against you, dear." "Now please go and get ready." "I'm coming in as soon as I finish this dreadful weeding." "I think we ought to bury them in the garden and get on and read the will." "We can't just do that sort of thing, dear." "You need coroners and funerals and things." " Why?" "Why do you need funerals?" " People like funerals, dear." " We didn't have a funeral for Aunt Mabel." " We all know why that was, dear." "Why?" "Why did we not have a funeral for Aunt Mabel?" " We couldn't find her, dear." " We found most of her." "Now, Charles, please, I'm not going to have to speak to you again, please, really." " I'm going to open the will." " You can't do that, Charles, dear." " Why not?" " It's in London at the solicitor's." " All right, I'll give them a ring." " Oh, you..." "You're worse than your father." "Charles, dear, when I write to the Telegraph, do you think I should say" ""passed peacefully away" or just "passed away"?" ""Shot away"?" ""Suddenly", perhaps that's better." "Yes." ""Chiddingfold, Sir Clive, suddenly at Moorstones Manor," ""on February the 19th, aged 87."" "That's rather beautiful, isn't it?" "Nice and simple." ""Suddenly shot clean through the head at Moorstones Manor"?" "Charles dear, it's four pounds a line now, you know." "I rang the solicitors this morning, Mumsy." "Did you know Hugo has left all his money to Dora?" "How about "suddenly in the night"?" "He left her £14,000 and 17 cars, Mumsy." "Poor Dora." "Yes, perhaps I better pop up and see her." "Charles, dear, you will be careful, she is in shock." "Yes, I'm only going to pop up and see if she's any worse, that's all." " Charles?" " Yes, Mumsy?" "What's that?" "Oh!" "Um, just cleaning it, Mumsy." "I thought I'd finish cleaning it while I was chatting to Dora." "Well, don't point it at her, darling." "Oh, no, Mumsy." "I know not to do that." ""Very suddenly in the night."" " All right, Manners?" " Yes, milady." "Dr Farson." "I'm Lady Chiddingfold." "Welcome to Moorstones Manor." "Your husband told me so much about you." "It really is most kind of you, Dr Farson, to come all this way from Inverness." "Madam, had I realised how beautiful my hostess was to be," "I would have crossed the seven seas themselves to get here." "I'd have fought wild beasts and flown through time itself..." " Charles!" "Sorry!" "That's Charles, I'm afraid." "He has a thing about doctors." "Oh, yes." "Hello, Charles." "Your father and I were in the army together." "Sorry, just cleaning it." "Fragment of bullet got stuck at the end of the barrel." "Dear, is your shoulder all right?" "Don't worry about me." "It is as nothing compared to the pain I feel in my heart." "Can we go upstairs to an empty bedroom?" "I love you." "I can't wait." "I've got everything." "Oh, this is my son Charles." "He's the one who's not dead." "I was saying what a very beautiful, beautiful woman your mother is." "Uh, Charles, will you take Dr Farson up to Dora's room, please?" " Dora?" " Yes, my son's fiancée." "She was lost on the moor." "She arrived in a hysterical state last night." "I don't think there is much the doctor can do, Mumsy." "She's slipping away fast." "In fact, she's probably dead by now." " I think she's got pneumonia or cholera." " Off you go." "I will be back." "Yes, when you finish, there are some other people to see." "How was she?" "She is in a state of severe shock, Lady Chiddingfold." "But I think she'll recover." "She had some traumatic experience last night which she still finds difficult to describe." "Is there anything you can do?" "Well, I rubbed some Vick on her chest." " Did that help?" " Yes." "Yes, it did." "Thank you." "Now, if we just go in here..." "This is my eldest son, Hugo." "Oh..." "Oh, I see he's been shot quite recently." "He was shot last night and then again this morning." " Oh, I see." " By mistake." "Now, he's dead, isn't he, Doctor?" " I mean, he's not going to recover, is he?" " Oh, Charles." "No, no, no." "He's quite severely dead." "I think I'll go and sit with Dora." "Why don't you stay with us, Charles dear?" "No, I think someone ought to be with her, Mumsy." "During her last hours." "And over here is my husband." " He's dead." " Yes." " Shot." " But can you, for instance, say where from?" " I know what you're thinking." " What?" "You're thinking I have a false lip." " No, I wasn't." " What's wrong with a false lip?" "People have false arms, false legs." "Absolutely nothing, I'm sure." "All right, I do have a false lip." "It's obvious, isn't it?" " That's what you're thinking." " It isn't obvious, Dr Farson." "Of course it's obvious!" "Juts out when the mouth's closed." "It doesn't fit cleanly under the other one." "And it can't withstand hot soup." "Oh!" "Oh, I was a fool." "I thought I'd take the cheap one." "For an extra £200 I could have had a new lip." "Honestly, Dr Farson, I really don't know which lip it is that's false." "To think that our love should end like this." "I think you're rather over-dramatising the situation, Dr Farson." "I haven't seen you for 12 years." "Ah, but I have seen you, Lady Chiddingfold." "I have passed this house many times before." "I have seen you at the window and in the garden." "My heart has been bewitched by you." " Oh, Lady Chiddingfold." " Oh, my husband." " Forget your husband." " You're supposed to be examining him." "There's no point." "I know he's dead." "He died with a bullet lodged in between the sternum and the cryovascular nerve, fired from this gun." "Dr Farson, you?" "How do you think I got here so quickly from Inverness?" "Because I've been watching this house for weeks." "Waiting, waiting!" "Just so as to make you mine by destroying all around you." "Mine and mine alone." "Just you and me." "And then..." "And then this... bloody cheap lip lets me down." "I love you." "I've always loved you." "Since that black day you married him instead of me." "Dr Farson, I can't bear being touched!" "Lady Chiddingfold, if you reject me, no one else shall have you." "All right, you, drop that gun." " Oh, Manners, thank God you..." " Stay where you are, milady." "Or you'll get what I gave your husband." " Manners?" " Yes." "Manners, milady." "Your polite, humble, obsequious little lap dog, Manners." "Manners, who opens doors and tells his master and his mistress when the telephone rings." "Well, that's why I decided it was time someone waited on me, someone listened to me for a change." "And that's why I killed him." "And that's why I killed Master Hugo." "Because I'd had about as much as I could take!" "Don't believe him." "I killed them." " No, I killed them!" " I killed them!" "I killed them and I'll prove it to you." "Oh, my God!" "Charles!" "Charles is upstairs with Dora!" "He was supposed to be looking after her." "Charles!" "Charles, what have you..." "Dora?" "It's all right, Lady Chiddingfold." "I can look after myself." "I looked after Hugo after all." "Oh, not you, Dora." "Does it surprise you that your idiot son's fiancée wasn't the demure little girl you wanted her to be?" "She's lying." " I killed them." " I killed them!" "I'm up to here with cars and carburettors and camshafts." "I've borne it for six years." "I walked back here 40 miles, Lady Chiddingfold, took a gun from the gun case while you were all stuffing your fat faces, listening to that pig of a husband of yours." "And I got rid of them!" "I got rid of them both!" " Forever." " No, you didn't." "I did." "I did." "Don't believe them, my little rosebud." "It was me." "Honestly." "It was me." "It was not, you bastard, it was me." "It was me!" "You couldn't have done it." "You're all talk." "I killed Aunt Mabel." "Remember that." " I killed Aunt Mabel." " Oh, come off it." "Everyone knows I killed Aunt Mabel." "Oh, yes, he did kill Aunt Mabel." "They're all lying." "I killed them because I wanted to have you all to myself." "I stood to gain much more than you!" "The entire estate, money, wealth, fortune!" "But I had the classic motive - brooding resentment." "Festering over a prolonged period, suddenly erupting in a holocaust of violence." "You couldn't hate a flea, servant." "Don't say that." "You can answer the door, you can serve the dinner, but you couldn't kill a garden worm." "Oh, no?" "Oh!" "Well, anyone can do that." " The telephone." " Oh, yes, thank you, Manners." "Oh..." "Hello?" "Oh, hello, Madge." "Oh, has he?" "Oh, good." "Look, Madge, I really haven't got a moment." "Can I ring you back?" "No." "No, I didn't know you were in love with him." "You what?" "Oh, no, Madge, you can't have done." "No, Madge, really, four people have already confessed." " There isn't a..." "Madge!" "Madge!" "Oh dear."