"You know, I'm gonna give myself the weekend off." "Not gonna grade any papers." "If I were in third grade, and you were my teacher," "I'd just be, like the happiest kid." " You would?" " Of course." " Why?" " 'Cause you're adorable." "Are you kidding me?" "I would freak out." "I'd be the weird kid, gets there early every day." "You'd be the only one I'd give a valentine..." " Yeah?" " Whoa." "Sorry." "Wow." "I have a knife." "Let's fuck on the floor." "What?" "Fuck me on the floor." " Right now?" " Yeah." "Sure." "Uh..." " I have onion hands, though." " Okay." "Just..." "I feel like a doctor." "Nurse, get me 50 CCs of liquid Dawn." "Let's not do a bit." "Sorry." "[moaning]" " Let me touch your asshole." " What?" " Yeah." " What?" "No." "Yeah, let me just touch it." "It'll be good." "No, it's not..." "It's not a good idea." "It's not a good area for me." " Do you wanna touch my asshole?" " What's gotten into you?" "I'm just..." "I'm trying to dissolve our boundaries and like, find something different" " and find something sexy." " Okay, I'll do this." " Peter." " There you go." " What?" " See me." "I'm looking right at you." "Don't look at me, see me." "I love you." "I love you so much." "Just bite my neck, like do something that feels crazy." "I don't want to bite your neck." "You're my best friend." "Just do something!" "Like..." "You wanna, like, 69 or something?" "I don't like doing two things at once." "It's like playing the banjo while you're riding a bicycle." "It's unnatural." "My knees are really chaffing." " Look at that." " Okay." "You see?" " You should get on top or something." " Okay." "I'm so Lithuanian. [laughing] [chuckling] [laughing]" " Let's stop." "Let's really..." " Oh, no." " I have to go anyway." " What?" "It's only four o'clock?" " Where are you going?" " Well, the show." "The show's at 7:00, but sign-up's at 6:00, so if I don't leave right now, I might not even get on, and then the whole night will be a wash." "I thought we were gonna watch stuff together?" "Sweetest, it would help me if we could, you know, normalize this a little bit." "Some people work during the day," "I work at night, like a cop." "It's not really work." "You go do shows that don't pay you." "And you have to buy two drinks in order to do 'em." "It's not really work." "Come on, this is in the West Village." "It's all the big guys." "Seinfeld, Romano, Chris Rock." " They perform there?" " They perform in the neighborhood." "In the '90s." "Come on, this is hard." "I'm up there alone." "I like to think you're... you know, up there with me rooting me on." " Okay." " This is a big one, I promise." "Okay." "All right." " Wish me luck." " Good luck." " Say break a leg." " Break a leg." "You don't say good luck." "It's like the theater." "You just told me to say good luck." "I'll be back soon." "When I come home, you can touch my asshole." "Don't make fun of me." "Okay." "♪ ♪" "I'm all right, man." "I'm a Brooklyn kid, you know?" "I'm from old-school Brooklyn, all right?" "Salt of the earth Brooklyn, yeah?" "Half the area's Caribbean, the other half is Orthodox Jewish." "That's why I look like Method Man and sound like Jerry Lewis." "Are you guys ready for our next comedian, yeah?" "[scattered applause]" "Give him your support, Pete Holmes, guys, yeah!" "Thanks." "Todd Montesi, everybody." "Todd Montesi." "I feel like I won an award, like you brought me up, like I won something." "I think it's weird when you win an award, you're supposed to point to God if you thank him." "You go "Thank God" and you point to the sky, 'cause that's where God is." "But we're on a planet." "The sky is that way as well, right?" "So I wanna win an award, like a Golden Globe, so I can go up and just be like," ""I wanna thank my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ..."" "[scattered chuckles]" ""In your face, Satan."" "[chuckling]" "What do you think the employee discount is at the Dollar Store?" "[chuckling]" "There you are." "You think it's "Just take it"?" "[laughter]" "Hey, that was good, right?" "Mmm." "I only caught the end." " But the end was good, right?" " Seemed like it was pretty good." "So I don't want to be pushy, but you said to talk to you maybe about the monthly shows." "There's..." "Don't you book the Holiday Inn in Connecticut?" "And the Firehouse?" " Do you have a car?" " Yeah, I have a car." "I have a car." "Does it do well on ice?" "Yeah it..." "Yeah, I mean, I don't stop..." "Ice is fine." "Yeah, maybe." "Okay, can I e-mail you?" "Um... no." "But you can give me your e-mail." "It's a little complicated." "It's Pete Pete Holmes 21, but 20 spelled with an I, not a Y, at gmail dot com." "Do you want me to write it down?" "I'll remember it." "There's a pen right here though." "This is for the sign-up." "So I got it up here." " I'll remember it." " I signed up, so if you just wrote Pete in front of Pete Holmes, you'd have most of it." "This is a historical record." "It's not for me to remember stuff." "Thanks, man." "Fun show." "Preacher [on radio]:" "Father, we love you, today." "We thank you that each one of us will fulfill the destiny that you've laid out." "Lord, I thank you that we have wisdom to make good choices in life." "♪ I don't want much ♪" "♪ I just wanna be a better man ♪" "♪ To my baby ♪" "♪ Mm-hmm ♪" "♪ Meet me off good luck ♪" "♪ I was singing with them Jezebels ♪" "♪ Under perfume sheets ♪" "♪ Mm-hmm ♪" "♪ Got a golden smile, heart overflow ♪" " Oh, my God, Peter!" " Sweetest." "Oh, my God..." "I thought you were gonna be writing jokes at the library, and then seeing that movie and the community center." "Wasn't feeling it." "Thought I'd come home." "Just wanted to grab some sweaty peas." "I didn't even know you were home." "What are you..." "What are you doing?" "This is embarrassing." "Um..." "I was masturbating." "So..." " I am so sorry." "Don't be embarrassed." " Yeah." "I just..." "I'm uncomfortable." "I didn't think you were home, I should've knocked." "You're sweating, though." "It was a good one." " Good sesh?" " Yeah." "Go big or go home, right?" "Yeah." "You're a minx." " I don't know what a minx is, but..." " It doesn't matter." "Just maybe give me a second to like, get dressed." "I will." "Let me, uh..." "I'll be downstairs." "Gonna get some Golden Grahams going." "Meet me when you're done." "Okay." "Milady." "That's pretty sexy." "Ha." "Thanks." " That was everywhere." " What are you doing?" "What?" "Who is this?" "Oh, shit." "Welcome." "Welcome?" "Why is my hand towel on your dick?" "!" "Dude, I'm so sorry, Pete." "I..." "I'm Leif, brother, and I know that this is a terrible situation, believe me." "I'm so sorry that you're..." "God!" "Stop moving..." "That's for hands!" "Totally, totally, totally." "Peter..." " Pete:" "Pick it up!" " Okay." " What are you doing?" " I'm so sorry!" "This is a nightmare, but it doesn't have to be, right?" "I'm talking to my wife!" "Okay?" "Keep your dick covered and shut up!" "I'm sorry." "I should've grabbed a bigger towel." "What is going on?" "I'm sorry." "I just came home one day, and I found, like, a bowl of cereal in the bathtub, and your socks were on the kitchen floor." "So?" "So you have an affair?" "No, I'm just saying, it's like you need a nanny." "I'm turning into your mom." "I don't want to be your mom." "What are you talking about?" "We're happy!" "Peter, you're happy." "I completely support you while you pursue your dream." "Yes!" "Like a wife supports a guy in medical school." " It's like I'm in medical school." " You're not in medical school!" "You tell jokes for free that cost us $40 in gas, okay?" "You've been doing this for so long." "Shouldn't your act be better by now?" " Fuck you!" " We never even have sex anymore!" "We had sex yesterday!" "My knees are still all burnt up!" "That didn't count." "It was once before that." "How do we even know that this vagrant doesn't have AIDS?" "He looks like he has AIDS." "He doesn't have AIDS." "Brother, looks are deceiving." "I do not have AIDS." "I can assure you of that." "I was..." "I was tested right before my wedding." " He's married?" " I know, it's bad." " You're married?" " I'm married, man." "And that's something that I have to deal with." "Good." "I'm sorry it's hard on you." "Sorry to fuck up your day." "Who is this guy?" "How did you even meet this guy?" "We work together." "He's the art teacher." "You've met him before." "He's not even a comedian." "Not everything is about being funny." "He's a really talented artist." "Oh, I'm sure he's great." "They give all the master artists third grade." "What's your fucking medium, hand turkeys?" "Paste noodles?" "Just give us a second." "Go in the sewing room!" "It's around the corner." "I know where it is." " Is that the Parthenon?" " He's Greek." "You're leaving me for a guy that has the fucking Parthenon on his back?" "I don't know if I'm leaving you." "I don't know what I'm doing." "Oh, I'll make it easy." "I'm fucking leaving." " Fuck you!" " Don't go." "Sorry, fuck you." "Preacher [on radio]:" "God's only limited by what we believe." "So I want you to believe that you can become all that God's created you to be." "You can overcome any addiction." "You can overcome any disappointment from the... ♪ There's been time in my life ♪" "♪ When the ground was so cold ♪" "♪ Can't find a friend ♪" "♪ Anywhere at all ♪" "Oh, there he is." " What's up?" " What's up, kid?" "What, is there an open mic in the neighborhood or something?" "Uh, no, I... just wanted to hang out." "Wanna check out the show?" "Got a pretty good crowd in there, but it's a little light on the ladies, so..." "I'm hanging out to see if any hot smush wanders through." " Can you sneak me in?" " Yeah, you want to check out the show?" " Yeah." " Come on." "Chief, this kid's good." "[audience laughing]" "My friend called me up all excited, he's like, "Dan, let's go to Colorado."" "I said, "what do you want to go to Colorado for?"" "He said, "Pot is legal there."" "I said, "You know what?" "I got a better idea."" ""Let's just smoke it right here in New York, how 'bout that?"" ""And we'll close the door."" " "And, uh..." - [laughing]" ""I think we just might get away with it."" ""I'll bet, if we close the door, and don't call the police"" ""and turn ourselves in..."" "She, uh, said she was gonna leave me if I didn't marry her, get her a ring." "What I did is I went to a jeweler, and I got a receipt for an engagement ring." "And I put the receipt in my wallet perfectly 'cause I know this girl, she's a little nosy, and she's gonna look." "And I hear her crying on the phone to her mom," ""He's gonna do it!" "Oh, my God."" "What kind of woman sees one receipt and then they just forget about all your stripper texts, that you come home smelling like whiskey and hooker every night?" "You're just like a woman." "You're missing the genius of my plan." "Oh, an I just like a woman?" "Explain more to me?" "Do you still talk to her?" "What?" "Are you serious?" "Who the fuck is this guy?" "I don't know." "Who is he?" "I was just here and you guys sat around me." " So, I thought..." " We sat around you?" " [laughs]" " No, you're hanging around." " You're stalking." " Guys, Natterman's been lit." "Greer's not here." "I need someone to go on." "No..." "I've been on already." "Sorry, I've been on already." "Where's Greer?" "Greer's not here." "I need someone." "Oh..." "Oh!" "Oh, yeah, Pete." "Let's put Pete on." " I don't know him." " Put him on, he's funny." "He can do it." " Really?" " Yeah, yeah, yeah." "Whatever." "Bring him up in two." "I don't know if I should do that." "You're getting stage time, buddy." "Yeah, no, I want to work here, but I'm going through a thing." "Let's do it another time." "No, no." "No, let's do it right now." "You could about that thing, that's what we do." "No, I..." "It's a breakup, it's fresh." "You have a breakup, you go up there and talk about it, man." " Yeah." " Remember when Tig got cancer?" "She talked about it that night." "Now, is your situation worse than that?" "Probably, yes." "But this is the art, man." "This is what you do." "Yeah, come on." "Sack up, man." "Get in there." " You think so?" " Yes, I'm not thinking, I know." "Pete:" "I'll record it, just in case." "Yeah, record..." "Record your set." "Why didn't you say give us..." "Give it one for the Gipper?" "Never seen his act, not one second of it." "One way or another, this is going to be fucking hilarious." "You're so evil." "You know what I'm talking about, bro." "That's your Asian girlfriend, that's awesome." " And you have a hot chick too." " Absolutely." " She is not Asian." " [laughter]" "And that is a pain that you have to live with every day, dude." "And your dickhead friend's rubbing it right in your face." "You remember that, sweetie, when you want to give this guy some shit, one day." "He could have been with an Asian chick," " but he settled for you." " [laughter]" "All right, guys, you ready to keep this show moving?" "What do you say?" " [cheers, applause]" " This next act coming to the stage, you probably don't know him, but who gives a shit, because he's funny as fuck." "So what do you say we make some noise right now for Pete Holmes, everybody." " Pete Holmes!" " [cheering]" "Big Jay, everybody." "Big Jay!" "[cheers]" "Good to see you." "Uh, so this is, uh, this is real." "This is, like, a raw thing." "I want to talk about my wife." "Man [à la Borat]:" "My wife!" "[chuckles] [à la Borat] Yeah, my wife... [normal voice] uh, slept with somebody else today, today." "I caught her today, yeah." "Which is weird, like, a naked woman is normally my favorite thing, but if you walk in and there's a naked man there, suddenly your favorite thing is like your least favorite thing." " You know what I mean?" " [mutters] Oh, God." "It's like, I love steak, but if you delivered a steak to me, and there was eight bites out of the steak," "I'd be like, "Why did we come here?"" "You know what I mean?" "This isn't good." "Woman [with accent]:" "Oh, boy." "Yeah, oh boy." " Go write some jokes." " [audience chuckles]" "Thanks." "Uh..." "Where are you from?" "Syria?" "I thought we didn't let you in." " [scattered jeers]" " Woman:" "That's the best you can do?" "This is painful." "Can't you feel it?" "[laughter] [playing over sound system] ♪ So let's leave it alone ♪" "♪ 'Cause we can't see eye-to-eye ♪" " Hey, man, you bumped me." " What?" "Yeah, you bumped me." "Took my spot." "See, I'm supposed to do Colbert tomorrow night." "If I have a bad set on Colbert tomorrow, you're gonna be halfway to an ass whooping." "I'm sorry, man." "They said I had to go on." "Somebody had to go on 'cause you were late." "No." "I wasn't late." "I was on time." "The show was running early." " I'm sorry." " Yeah, look at you." "You got that same stupid look in your eyes I had 20 years ago." "What'd you want to do before stand-up?" "I went to school to be a youth pastor." "[laughing] Youth pastor?" "I can see that." "That's you." "That's good." "Hey, man, look, you could help a lot of people." "Because you definitely ain't helping nobody here with that horse shit you just did." "I'm s..." "I just really had a hard day." "I've seen a lot of people crash and burn, and I want to save you from a crash and a burn." "Quit." "While you're ahead." "Greer, give the guy a break." "He's not gonna fuck you, okay?" "I think he likes women." "Hang in there, buddy." "Fair." "Stand-up comic." "Welcome to the war, boy." "Stay low, keep firing." "♪ There's only you and me ♪" "♪ And we just disagree ♪" " [distant siren chirps] - [horns honk]" "Hey, you got a light?" "Uh, sorry, no." "Wait." "I got it, I got it." "I just keep it right here now." "Hey, Artie Lange." "Yeah." "I know." " I'm Pete." " Nice to meet you." "I..." "I'm a big fan." "Oh, thanks." "I appreciate it." "You all right?" "Yeah, I just..." "Uh, you know." "I..." "Look, I saw your set." "You gotta..." "You can't let that get to you, man." "I know you're younger, but we all go through it." " Yeah." " Really, it was a terrible set." "It was really one of the worst sets." "Extraordinarily bad." " Yeah, I..." " Like top five worst I've ever seen." "Matter of fact, my cousin was giving a best man speech at a wedding, once, and during the speech he accidentally admitted that he molested a kid when he was a teenager." "That was less awkward than your set was there." "[laughs]" " I'm fucking around, it's a joke." " I know." " Cheer up." " I know." "Cheer up, man." "You'll be all right." "It's not..." "It's not just that." "What?" "You heard what I said, right?" " About what?" " My wife is having an affair." " Wait." "That was real?" " Yes!" "The shit you said on stage was real, just now?" " Yes." " Oh, dude." "What are you doing?" " I thought I could come here..." " Yeah." " ...and feel better, I don't know." " Apparently you were wrong." "Well, then Greer came over and told me" "I should quit showbiz." "Greer?" "Come on, you're listening to Greer?" "Kevin Hart used to open for Greer, what happened?" "Life happened, okay?" "Don't listen to Greer." "He looks like someone power-washed Don Cheadle." "I don't know what I'm gonna do." "Just take care of yourself." "I wish I could help you, man." "Is there anyway I..." "Could I stay with you just for..." "Dude, fuck no!" "Stay with me?" " Sorry." " What, do you want the couch?" "I let you sleep on the couch, people are gonna see." "Every fucking comedian will want to sleep on my couch." " Okay, sorry." " Let me buy you a slice of pizza." "Wanna get a slice of pizza?" "I'll buy you a slice of pizza." "Come on, I'll do that." " I like pizza." " Me too." "I mean, hey, listen," "I didn't get this body running ten miles a day." " And then we went to a Christian college." " Of course." "Everybody pairs off when you graduate." " Really?" " It's just what you do." "I've literally never done anything without her." "She found our apartment, she supports me." "Wait." "She supports you, you mean emotionally?" "No, money." "She supports you financially, your wife?" "Yeah." "That's the stupidest fucking thing I've ever heard." "No, it's like a wife supporting a guy in medical school." " How is it like that?" " It's like..." "At the end of medical school you're a doctor." "You start at about 900 grand a year." "At the end of this, I'll be a comedian." "[laughs]" " Right?" "I'm in training." " Maybe!" "There's no guarantee." "What do you mean?" "You did it." "That's the dream." "You think of something..." " I'm your dream?" " You're my dream." " Are you kidding me?" " You're dreaming of this?" " You're Artie Lange." " Right, exactly." "What do you mean?" "You said that like I was Jessica Lange." "You're like, a legend, man." "Yeah, but for fucked up shit." "Not for having a good life." "I mean, you know, I'm a legend for, you know, shitting my pants on coke on a United flight." "Were you in coach?" "I only shit in first-class." "You don't want to shit in coach, that's... that's rude." " [both laughing]" " See?" "See, we're having fun now." "All I'm saying is, it's not all it's cut out to be." "It's not all the good shit you think it is." "It's not about being on stage all the time." "It's about killing the time." "It's about times like this." "My story's crazy." "I..." "I got lucky." "I got on a TV show." "I'm a regular on a TV show, making like eight grand a week." "Oh, my God." "I would cash it, send my mother four grand." "I wouldn't send my agent any money, so that piled up." "I would take the other four thousand bucks," "I would put it in my pocket and I'd roll around LA like I was Kevin Federloin or something." "I was like, the connections, broads, it was fun." "That's when it was fun, it was great." "But then I hit a mountain." "You live like that, you live fast, I hit a mountain." " And I ended up in LA County Jail." " You went to jail?" "I went to LA County Jail for two months for possession of coke, and I took a swing at a Los Angeles cop." "Not a good idea, man." "LA County is bad." "You wanna talk about self-esteem, try showering in between a Blood and a Crip who are mad at each other." "I was never so happy to be fat and ugly in my fucking life." "You turn this around, is my point." "And you need the woman, man." "I know you're mad at her, she fucked a guy, that's a bad thing." "But one guy?" "If she's your rock?" "She slept with another person." "That's a big... that's a big thing." "Big fucking deal." "One guy is nothing." "I had a chick cheat on me once." "Actually she blew a guy to get us coke, so I initiated that." "Bad example." "You're gonna go home, right?" "You're gonna get your wife back." "You're gonna go back to her, you're gonna say, "Listen"," ""I apologize." "Maybe this was partially my fault."" "You're gonna be real mature about the fucking thing." "You're gonna say "I forgive you for Leif."" "You're gonna have a good time." "You'll be like a regular..." "a couple again." "And eventually, down the road, of course, you're gonna have to ask that guy to leave your apartment." "[laughs] It's just got to happen, right?" "Hey, man, thanks for the slice." "Look, any time, buddy." "Any time, man." "And, uh..." " Look, you got my number, right?" " Yeah." "And, you know, keep in touch." "I hope you get your lady back, you know, honestly." "And, uh, keep me in the loop." "I'm invested now, right?" " I will." " Honestly, I'm emotional about it." "You're a good guy." "Oh-ho-ho, somebody's fucked." "Hey!" "Hey!" "That's you?" "Wait." "This is me." "Sir, this is my..." "This is my car." "I can move it." "Sir, this is my car." " You see the sign?" " Yeah, I saw the sign." " I didn't understand the sign." " It says "No parking."" " I'm here..." " Pete, Pete, come here." "Artie, they're taking my car." "That's what they do, they take your car." "Give me the keys." "Just give me your keys, okay?" "Talk to him." "Just talk to him." "All right, talk to him." "Um, excuse me, sir." "Man-to-man, I know you have a job to do, and I'm sympathetic to that, but I really need my car." "I need to go home right now." " Sir, please, I really need to get home." " [winch whirring]" "This is really, really important." "Can you please just cut me a break?" "[engine starting]" " I need to go home!" " [engine revs]" "Artie, it's attached!" " Oh!" " Oh, fuck." "Uh, I didn't..." "He asked for my keys, and I thought he wanted to hold on to my keys to make sure that I didn't do something stupid." "I didn't know what he was gonna do." "You seem very... [whimpers]" "Pete, you all right?" "No!" "Can I stay at your place now?" "No!" "[keys clatter on ground]" "♪ ♪ [cheering]" "[exclaiming]" " Whoo!" "Oh!" " Oh!" "Oh, my God, you're so right." "Let's take a picture." "Okay." "One, two, three." "[shutter sounds]" " That's cute." " Oh, my God." "It's so good." "You look like a Kardashian." "Let's go, come on." "Quick, quick, quick." "Quickly, quickly." "People trying to get on behind you, come on." "Let's go." "Good, well done." "Man [over PA]:" "Next stop 42nd Street, Times Square." "You guys going to school?" " Don't talk to me!" "I don't know you!" " Sorry." "What's your favorite Inside Out character?" "Oh, Joy is my favorite, by far." "How about you?" " I love Joy." " I like Joy, too." "It's a lie, though." "It's a lie you're gonna chase your entire lives." "I got married when I was young." "How old are you?" " 11." " 11?" "All right, well, I met my wife in four years from now." "That's when I met my wife at camp." "Then we got married." "She's the only girl I've ever slept... over." "And then the other day I came home, because I was gonna see a movie at the community center, but I didn't..." "I didn't know that would change my life." "I caught her with a man." "You know what that feels like?" " No." " Anger?" "Anger is right." " Disgust?" " Disgust is right." " Fear?" " Fear, yeah." "It was there." "You know," " we all make mistakes, right?" " Yeah." " Yeah." " We're friends, she's my wife, so I'm gonna go back and tell her that I'm sorry I left, and she'll take me back, right?" "Why do you want her back?" "Because I love her." "Gonna make me cry." "She gets it." "♪ ♪" "♪ Baby, baby, baby ♪" "♪ I'm coming home to your tender, sweet loving ♪" "♪ You're my one and only woman ♪" "♪ The world leaves a bitter taste in my mouth ♪" "♪ Girl, you're the only one that I want ♪" "♪ I wanna be around ♪" " Leif:" "Energy's going up your spine." " Jessica:" "Uh-huh." "Leif:" "Is it blue light or is it red light?" " Jessica:" "It's blue. [moaning]" " Leif:" "Very good." "Leif:" "Now let your chakra re-absorb some of that energy, and then..." "Okay!" " [moans]" " That's the dragon." " Ahh..." " That's the chakra of the dragon." "Leif:" "Okay, now you can release, and the sun shines again." "Now just imagine there's a snake coiled up at the base of your spine." "Pete!" "Peter!" "Oh, shit, I locked that." " Hey, man." " What?" "Leif, brother." "Yeah, I know that." "How could I not know that?" "You came back for her, huh?" "Yes." "But the light of our love is just too much." "Fuck." "I get that, man." "I feel that." "Thanks." "I admire you so much." "Your strength is unmeasurable." ""Immeasurable."" "You're upset." "Yes, I'm upset." "You stole my wife." "How can you not get that?" "This is the grist for the mill, Pete." "I'm setting you free." "I'm shaking your cage." "You don't belong here anymore, man." "You don't want to be here." "You know what you're supposed to do, so do it." "Everything is now working together to take you from where you are, in this moment, to where you're most afraid of going." "I am you, man, I'm not your enemy." "I am you, and you are me." "And we are making love to your wife." "And she is us, and we, we're making love, you and me." "Okay." "I'm gonna go." "Okay." "Hey, man." "Jess and I are moving to Tampa." "Well, have fun in Tampa." "You can't have fun in Tampa, but, you know, my aunt passed, and so we get a condo and stuff." "Shit, you got the keys?" "Because I'm pretty sure that I, uh, locked myself out." "The back screen door doesn't lock." "Great." "Everybody knows." "♪ ♪ [phone ringing]" "Hello?" " Pete!" " Artie?" "Hey, man, what happened?" "You win her back or what?" "Uh, it didn't..." "Oh, jeez." "All right, you know what?" "Let's just meet up." "It was sweaty, they were breathing, and counting, it was horrible." "Once a chick gets fucked like Sting, she ain't coming back from that, man." "It was bad advice." "Go back?" "Oh, sorry, what are you asking me advice for anyway?" "I'm not used to that." "Who am I, Dr. Phil?" "People don't come up to me all the time and say," ""Hey, Art, how do I get your great life?"" "And he's talking about love..." "Back up!" "Back up!" "Give me your phone, fat man." "Oh, we gotta get personal, now, huh?" " You, too!" " No fat joke for him?" " Shut up." " You want the phone, huh?" "Mr. Fat-Joke?" "You want the phone, Rodney Dangerfield, huh?" "You want me to check Grindr for you, see if anybody's close by?" "Look who's mugging us, Gandalf the Grey." " Oh!" " Whoa!" "Run!" " What, are you fucking stupid?" " Okay." " Give me your shit!" " I'm sorry." " Okay, okay." " Give me your wallet!" "Give me your phone." "Come on." "What else you got?" " It's my joke notebook." " Huh?" "You don't need my jokes, I need my jokes." " Huh?" "!" " You don't need my jokes!" "Stop!" "You're fucking dead, man!" "[groans]" "Don't mug people!" "Fuck you!" "Artie!" "Artie, where the hell are you?" "What are you doing?" "Oh!" "What?" "What happened?" "What happened?" "You ran." "I protected you and you ran." "What are you doing?" "What do you mean, I said "Let's run!"" "You know, what are you trying to fight the guy for?" "You don't do that, you run." "No, that's what you do." "You were in danger." "What you do is you just give him your phone." "Who gives a shit about your phone?" "You weren't gonna give him your phone." "You were taunting him." "I gave the guy a little shit." "I can't give the guy shit?" "He's gonna take my phone, I can't bust his chops a little?" "And then I ran." "You bust his balls, you run." "They're fine with that." "It's like almost a play you do." "He cut me!" "He slashed at me." "Oh, my God!" " Yeah!" " That looks serious." "It really hurts." "Oh, sure, you hurt?" "That's the first time I ran since the eighth grade." "You know what?" "It's gonna build more character." "Now you're a good man." "You got cut for the first time." "I was trying to save you." "Save me." "What do you want to save me for?" "You could have got killed trying to save me." "I knew God would protect me." " Oh, really?" " Yes." "You knew he'd protect me, too?" "Yes." "You're here." "Why would God protect me?" "What do I do?" "You make people laugh." "People love you." " He loves you!" " Not a bad point." "But usually..." "I mean, listen, I do that for pussy." "That's god-like." "You should try one more of those." "Just one more." "I'm bleeding, Artie." "All right, man." "You know what?" "Fuck it." "Let's get you patched up." "That's what we gotta do right now." "Let's go wait in the emergency room at the hospital for eight hours so you can get two stitches." "Jesus." "Toughen up a little bit, man." "How is it that I'm stabbed and I still walk faster than you?" "Hey, man, got you set up here, all right?" "You'll be all right." "No, no." "Don't sleep on that pillow." "Don't put your face in this pillow." "Bad shit happened to this pillow." "Over there." "Use this, here." "Right?" "Okay?" " Thanks, man." " Yeah, yeah, yeah." "Oh, my God." "Got your blanket." "Here, take that." "Oh, thank you." "All right, comfortable?" "Oh, I'm perfect." "Yeah, thank you so much, Artie." "Listen, man." "One night of this, man, one night." " Don't get used to this." " Yeah." "You know, you gotta get your car." "Yeah, I looked it up." "It's like 150 bucks, so..." " No, it's 150 bucks a day!" "A day!" " What?" "You gotta stay on top of that, this is New York." "Yeah, it adds up, man." "Everything costs money, it's expensive." "Shit." "Babe in the woods, man." "You gotta... gotta toughen up here." "Listen, I keep the door open when I go to the bathroom." "It's not anything hostile, I'm just claustrophobic." "All right?" "Don't take it the wrong way." "I'm not a weirdo or nothing." "Yeah, right." "There's a Postmates down there." "They deliver food, anything you want, toothpaste, all night." "But the guys who deliver it, they're psychopaths." "One guy's got a lazy eye." "I tipped him like 20 bucks." "It's like feeding the cat." "You know, just be careful." "They're hard to..." "You'll be all right." "Call me if you need 'em." "You know, I got ear plugs." "You want ear plugs?" "You're gonna want it." "The garbage..." "It's completely nuts." "I tried complaining, but I couldn't get through." "Also I got a face mask, too, that might help." "Because, you know, sun, it comes through that window right there, it's nuts." "It's like waking up in Cancún or something." "You wanna talk, I'm here." "I'm up all night, just like you." "I know, you can never sleep, right?" "This stupid business." "It'll be all right, man." "We'll work through this." "♪ Keep movin' on, keep movin' on ♪" "♪ Life is this way ♪" "♪ Keep movin' on, keep movin' on ♪" "♪ Every day ♪" "♪ Keep movin' on ♪" "♪ Keep movin' on ♪" "♪ Life is this way, yeah ♪" "♪ Keep movin' on, keep movin' on ♪" "♪ Every day ♪" "♪ When I go to sleep at night ♪" "♪ I add up my day ♪" "♪ Trying to recall ♪" "♪ The things I've done ♪" "♪ And debts I have to pay ♪" "♪ For that is one thing ♪" "♪ That I know ♪" "♪ What you reap ♪" "♪ Is what you sow ♪" "♪ Keep movin' on, keep movin' on ♪"