"(FESTIVE HIP-HOP SONG PLAYING)" "(INDISTINCT CHATTER)" "(YAWNING)" "MAN:" "Are you kidding me?" "Josh!" "Sorry I'm late." "That's all right." "Office holiday breakfast." "You guys have parties at 10:30 in the morning?" "EZRA:" "Less liability." "people don't get drunk before noon." " Mmm." " It's boring as shit." "so..." "Sure." "your divorce is finalised." "These are the terms we agreed to." "the house." "Sorry." "Don't worry about it." "It's only money." "It is only all of the money." "right?" "I know how you feel." "yeah?" "I didn't know you were divorced." "no." "That'd be crushing." " Hmm." " But I get it." "I'm signing away a huge chunk of my life that I'm never getting back." "JOSH:" "Mmm-hmm." "That's it?" "No other level?" "initials." " Oh." "okay?" " Yeah." "Oh." " Come here." "buddy." " Merry Christmas." "what's this?" " My final bill's in there." "also my holiday card." "The wife had me and the kids dress up" "like members of One Direction." "Pretty fun." "Mmm." "Dynamite." "(INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENT ON PA)" "it is all done." "I am divorced." "you should tell Dad that she is not coming over for Christmas." "Mum!" "don't worry about that." "I'm still gonna be fun." "you know?" "without doing that." "you can leave the Santa suit in the attic." "Why?" "Because I'm an adult and dressing up as Santa Claus would be embarrassing." "you're doing it for charity." "um..." "Sorry." "Tell Dad that I love..." "Oh!" "That's lucky." "okay?" "Mum." "(INDISTINCT CHATTER)" "good morning." "You see something over there?" "What do you got?" "I think that Starbucks yeah." "Listen." "Give me the green light..." " Mmm-hmm." " ...and I'll shut it down." "I love that initiative." "It's awesome." "please?" "but they got us sending you through these machines now." "matter of time." "That's never gonna happen." "Carla." " Make that money!" " (MACHINE BEEPS)" "(ELEVATOR DINGS) we have a situation." "Mary!" "How do you always just appear?" "You're like a human pop-up ad." "Did you read my latest memo on appropriate work dress?" "almost done." "Don't ruin the end." "some people didn't." "And those people are Meghan." "(SIGHING) Nobody listens to H.R." "Meghan?" "I thought that I have been clear about the number of buttons that can be unbuttoned on a shirt." " You were serious about that?" " It's winter." "Can we put Dancer and Prancer back in their stable?" "Are you body-shaming her right now?" "Some people here might find your outfit offensive." "some people might find your outfit offensive." "And really confusing." "I thought it was clear." "This is a multi-denominational holiday sweater. and Boxing Day on it." "Everyone's included!" "JEREMY:" "Is everyone included?" "what about something for the Satanists? shall we?" "let's let it slide." "Thank you." "everybody." "(WHISPERS) You can't silence us all." "I know why you took a medical leave." "NATE:" "It's hard for me to bring her out in public because she's so beautiful." "guys." "but because I just treat her like a normal person." "are you gonna be inviting your fake girlfriend to the holiday party later?" "I just want to make sure you have time" " to inflate her." " (LAUGHS)" "Becca's real." "And we're not gonna mix business with pleasure." "dude." "did you not..." "I hope she's not imaginary pissed." "You won't get any more imaginary blow jobs." " Right?" " (LAUGHING)" "Tim." "Drew." "it's a couple days before Christmas." "okay?" "we're all about..." "Totally positive that he is full of shit." " (DREW LAUGHS)" " Hey..." "Nate." "I do have a girlfriend." "I know." "and we've done it." "Maybe just don't talk about her so much at work." "It's just gonna make those guys jealous." "but you also have a hot girlfriend." " (CHUCKLES)" " You know?" " It's too much." "I hate you." " (CHUCKLES) Yeah." "too!" "Can you believe corporate raised the price in the vending machine again?" "$2 for ginger ale?" "They're trying to crush us like ants!" "there's a lot of bad energy in this office." "(GRUNTS)" "(DOOR JARRING)" "(ROCK MUSIC BLASTING OVER HEADPHONES)" "(KEYBOARD CLACKING)" "(KNOCKING ON DOOR)" "(BEEPS) what the fuck?" "Tracey?" "You changed the security code without telling me?" "and I don't want prying eyes." "I'm prying eyes?" "I'm your supervisor." "lead systems engineer." "so suck my dick." "JOSH:" "Nice." "Okay." "What are you working on?" "it's too complicated to explain." "subroutine for duplex compression?" "Don't tell me that's what I think it is." "This is the future of Zenotek." "we should pitch this to Data City!" "(STAMMERING) That's a theory." "You want to peg the company to a theory?" "you used to get excited by big ideas." "and ask for the same thing over and over." "I swing for the fences." "And I'm going to change the fucking game." "please." "Already done." "Here." "Great." "That was fast." " Thank you." " You're welcome." "are you okay?" " Yeah." "Really?" "Because you seem a little off today." "You seem a little weird." "my gosh!" "right?" "Hey!" "you're free!" "You gonna get a back tattoo and some skinny jeans?" "but... (INHALES)" "It feels good to be free." "Yeah." "All right." "Thank you for this." "J." " Yeah?" "I got you for Secret Santa again." "too." "(DOOR CLOSES) that is so great!" "Mummy's so proud of you." "could you put your daddy back on the phone for a second?" "Allison." "Is he ready?" " You fucking motherfucker!" "If I hear you let your stripper girlfriend put my children on her motorcycle one more time" "I will Gone Girl you so hard!" " (SOFTLY) You can go in." " I'll just go in." "Thank you." "no." "Don't try and sell this as some win-win situation." "okay?" " Is that Data City?" " No." "(WHISPERS) No." "do you want this deal or not? you're gonna have to pay for him. not the second week of the regular season." "Perfect." "It's the right choice." "I am running a train on this league." "I..." "I don't think that that means what you want it to mean. for later on this afternoon?" "but first I want your opinion on something." "We've got kind of a crisis." "This is what corporate wants us to give everyone for Christmas." "Just this." "can't hand that out." "And I'm already feeling kind of a definitely not Christmas spirit." "I can't argue with you there." "Good." "I want to Secret Santa the shit out of the staff meeting." "Come on." "(SIGHS)" "Can we work and walk?" "You're not cold without a big coat on?" "I gain fifteen pounds every winter so I don't have to wear one." " Huh." "That's a healthy choice." " Not really." "are you bringing anybody to this wine and cheese thing?" "I'll be there solo." "right?" "Tracey and I work together." "What are you talking about?" "I'm just saying." "I can't be your work wife forever." "how fast do you think you'd have to go" " to make that jump?" " Uh..." "I don't know." "In a car?" " Yeah." "I just never thought about that." "your mind's like a drunk baby." "80 or 90?" "What would Vin do?" "Vin Diesel?" "Or Tyrese?" "right?" "It's suicide." "Unless you put a bunch of free weights then you just catch air." "Boosh!" "Dom Toretto!" "Then... (WHOOSHES)" "like a baby's buttocks." "I'd love to pick this up indoors. so I don't know if I'm much help to you in this conversation." "So..." "Are you serious?" "Why am I just hearing about this?" "We've worked together for eight years." "They only get more fast!" "More furious!" "I love this place." "what would people want?" "Would they like..." "Ooh!" "Is this UV?" "Is UV good or bad?" "I forget." "no." "CLAY:" "Does it do anything here?" "Probably." "Is this for" " teeth whitening?" " WOMAN:" "No." "right?" "Everybody gets stressed at work..." " (VIBRATING) - ...around this time of year." "JOSH:" "Huh." "That could get you a sexual harassment suit." "What?" "Why?" "Not everyone likes dildos for Christmas." "This isn't a dildo." "It's a body massager." "it's a circumcised purple penis." "It could be considered sexual." "Why is it like that?" "Everything here could be considered sexual." "what about this for Alan from legal?" "Alan's bald." "(SIGHS) It's so hard to shop for the bald." "Who are they?" "What do they want?" "Hair." "maybe we should just go get some gift cards." "That's exactly what we should do!" "Here's a gift card because I don't know you and I don't care and I won't get in trouble for it." "Christmas was actually a big deal. get everybody fucked up." "you could back then." "He would throw gifts into the crowd." "Derek Peterson shattered his femur for a rotisserie set." "a thing." " I've heard those stories." " He took care of them." "That's what I want for my people." "You know?" "And I want that drone." "let me ask you a question." "You think that my management style is..." "Is too careful?" "do you think that I bunt instead of swing for the fences?" "Josh." "so I didn't hear your question." " I can repeat it." " I'd rather you didn't." "Because I can tell by your face that it's serious. it's almost Christmas." "Relax." " You want some of this?" " I think so." " I don't think you do." " You sure?" "I think you better get moving." "CLAY:" "Uh-oh." "Here he goes!" " (NERF GUN WHIRS)" " CLAY:" "Huh?" "Clay!" " (EXCLAIMS) careful!" "(DECORATIONS CLINKING)" " (EXHALES)" " We're good." "no!" " (OBJECTS CLATTERING) - (CROWD GASP)" "Oh... (CLATTERING CONTINUES)" " (CROWD MURMURING)" " Hey!" "somebody is getting fired." "Allison?" "Right?" " Yeah." " I'm Fred." "I just joined accounting." "Hi." "I saw that photo on your desk." "Are those your kids?" " Yep." "They're two and four." " Oh." "I'm a single mum." "Ugh." "That's great." " I was raised by a single mum." " Really?" "Tupac was right." "(MIMICS TUPAC) "Ain't a woman alive that could take my mama's place." " (BOTH CHUCKLE) - (ELEVATOR DINGS)" "ALLISON:" "I don't know that song." "shit." "Allison." " Where's Clay?" " He's unreachable." "He's participating in a conference..." "Summit... tech participation..." "Relay." "Let's try that again." "where's Clay?" " He's Christmas shopping." " Okay." "I would like all department heads in the conference room in five minutes." "Tell him to stop looking at me." "ALLISON:" "Look away." "he's cute." "Oh." "Actually..." "It's like the calling never stops." "MEGHAN:" "I know." "It's so annoying." "(KELSEY AND MEGHAN CONTINUE INDISTINCTLY)" "CAROL:" "Ugh!" "You have got to be shitting me. at $12 for a martini I can see why not." "You know a lot of gorilla jokes." " Yeah." " Excuse me." "What's going on?" "Something's off." "everyone's working." "shitster." "It's my sister." "There she is!" "My sister from another mister!" "our mother didn't start having affairs until the mid-90s." "What are you doing here?" "we were just going over your fourth quarter earnings." "And I wondered if I was missing something." "Probably." "why don't you have a seat?" "so I prefer to stand." "Fine." "would you please remove Clay's chair?" "sure." " Thank you." "Sorry." "Allison." "So we were all a little bit disappointed not to hit 7% growth in this last quarter." "But 6.5% is right on industry standard for the fall." "Mmm-mmm." "You need to hit 12%." " Twelve?" " Twelve is the new seven." " What?" " Since when?" " (ALL MURMUR)" " Since Dad died and the board made me CEO." "Oh." "You mean interim CEO." "this branch is failing." "6.5% is not failing." "it is." "We're doing better than Orlando." "right?" "(LAUGHING)" "I closed the Orlando branch." "This morning." "What?" "(FARTING)" "I am sorry." "and I..." "I farted." " Wow." " You are not selling enough servers." "You have no new ideas and there is no new revenue." " I have something new." " Really?" "I do." " (WHISPERS) It's not ready." " (WHISPERS) It is ready." " It's not ready." " It is ready." "sorry." "We can." "It's a completely silent room." " Go ahead." " (STAMMERS)" "What's the most annoying thing about the Internet?" " Pictures of people's kids." " Linkedln invites." "My girlfriend's always on it." "I have a girlfriend." "The lack of Asian male representation in porn." "Grumpy Cat." "It's like..." "It's Garfield." "you know that orange with the human dick?" "Shark Tank?" "please?" " It's getting on the Internet." " Mmm." "TRACEY:" "So we can already connect to the Internet through standard electrical lines and obviously we can do it through the air." "But what if we could combine those technologies? you can pull the Internet wirelessly from anything that's connected to a power grid." "Your appliances." "Street lights." "A light bulb." "and you're never low on signal." "It's AnywAir." "(PERSON CLAPPING)" "CLAY:" "We're in the future." "And you can deliver that?" "but yes." "how long have you been figuring?" " Four years." " Four years?" "that doesn't sound very real to me." "I wouldn't have to invent it. - what's your name again?" " Tracey Hughes. it's on all of the recent patents for Zenotek." "Mmm-hmm." "You know what?" "I'm gonna sit." "but because I prefer it." "So..." "CAROL:" "Mmm-hmm." "yes." "This is a sample cheeseboard for our holiday mixer tonight." "I know it's a little heavy on the Gouda..." "That was the MVP last year." "I do have a feisty Cheddar on the bench." "I think that pairs better with but what do I know?" "wait." "I'm sorry." "Excuse me." "You're having a Christmas party tonight?" "it's not a Christmas party!" "It's a non-denominational holiday mixer." "More inclusive." "it's not happening." "it's not "happening"' because it happens at 5:30 in the afternoon." "It's just a small thing but it's gonna suck." " (CHUCKLES) because it's cancelled." "What?" "All branch Christmas parties are cancelled." "It's a waste of money!" "Come on." "What are you guys not getting?" "it's cancelled." "(MOUTHS) It's not." "Clay!" "I mean it. the holiday mixer is cancelled." " (MOUTHING)" " CAROL:" "Yes." "Clay!" "The thing is not happening at all. (MOUTHING)" "CAROL:" "I'm not messing with you." "Hey!" "Stop doing that!" "I'm looking right at you." "I saw that!" "You whispered to the farty cheese lady." "Well..." "Clay." "It is cancelled." "(SIGHS) Fine!" "Then this meeting is cancelled!" "Huh?" "Damn it!" "(BREATHING HEAVILY)" "I was keeping it light in there." "huh?" "Josh." "She's hated parties ever since she started not getting invited to them." "Please." "That party's the least of your problems." "Is that Dad?" "I just have some random guy's ashes in my office." "Got it online." "at his branch." "I thought they were gonna divide him equally." "It's not my fault that he always liked hanging out with me more." "I don't care." "I got this company." "Moving on." "We have a lot of big cuts to make." "Okay?" "bonuses are cancelled." "there's a lot of people that are relying on those bonuses." "though." "I'm laying off 40% of your staff." "(EXCLAIMS) Forty?" "60..." " Some..." " That's 80." "It's 80." "80 employees." "you got to give us a little bit of time to turn this around." "then you have until the end of the quarter." "well." "This is unfair." "You wanna talk unfair?" "How about Dad skipping my Harvard graduation to go with you to the X Games?" "And you weren't even competing." "You just sponsored some guy's wakeboard." "He got the bronze." "Which is brown gold." "(CAROL SCOFFS) so I've made a list of my first round of layoffs." "So you might wanna get a pen" " and start writing these down." " No." "Let me see that." " No." "No." " Give me that." " No!" " These are my employees!" "are we sure about this?" "Say you won't make budget cuts." "Clay!" "Here comes the loogie express!" "Everybody's or else." " You motherfucker." "Suck that back in." "You suck that back in!" "You mother..." " JOSH:" "Clay." " (BOTH GRUNTING) my God!" " (GRUNTING)" "Why do you do this to yourself?" "You know I took nine years of Krav Maga." "he's turning blue." "you got to tap out." " Tap out." "Tap out." " (COUGHING)" " (PANTING)" " JOSH:" "Okay." " All right." "You okay?" " (COUGHING) and you're not getting one from me." "The only way you're gonna hit your targets this year is by cutting jobs." "what if we landed the Data City account?" "(SCOFFS)" " Data City?" "Walter Davis?" " That's right." "Cisco and Oracle." "but he hasn't heard our pitch." " No." " (PANTING)" "Josh and I have been drilling into it for weeks." "Yeah." "Months." "Whole team." "And we have a meeting" " with him this afternoon." " Yeah." "All right." "I'm on a flight to London tonight." "So if by some miracle you guys can close Walter Davis and his $14 million contract the jobs are safe." "Done!" "you're gonna look so stupid." "Then we'll finally have something in common." "Goddamn it!" "She's so mean!" "People are saying "cuts." What kind of cuts?" "nothing's official." "I can barely afford my rent." "I'm sleeping in a closet." "JOSH:" "Don't panic." "right? - more expensive?" " Don't overreact." "Josh." "I can't give it back." "man!" "I have six parrots with very expensive medical issues." "You know this." "I'm gonna have to put one down." " Nobody is losing their jobs!" " Yeah." "That is a Josh and Clay Christmas promise." "Your promises are dog shit!" "they sure did." "Jesus." "Incest and rape?" "that is dark." "That could be a different Clay." "And Carol." "We got to land this pitch." "everybody knows what we're doing?" "Sure." "We're just pitching to save our company." "No biggie." "And we're proving that my sister doesn't fuck me." "I fuck her!" " All right." "but..." "We at Zenotek put the "client in client-server model service distribution." "And this is a leave-behind." "And we have some new innovation that we can talk to you about later." "Later." "You got to..." "You got to go with us." "Okay." "Thank you for the pitch." "and I'll let you know my decision." "you're talking about an hour or a day?" "A full day?" "right?" "I'll be honest." "Your servers are good." "Dell's servers are good." " So..." " You're gonna go with us." " I'm gonna go with Dell." " Fuck!" " Why?" " Don't." "I..." "I know your product." "My problem is with your culture." "Our culture is great." "WALTER:" "That's not what I hear." "Word is you're closing branches and making layoffs." "that's barely true." "A mixture of fabrication and rumour." "I get it." "You got to make money." "And every quarter you got to make more money." "And if you got to fire some people right?" "And as long as the board has gotten its bonus and the stock is ticking up?" "Come on." "that's not who we are." "you would see that." "You should come meet our people." "we're a family business." "TRACEY:" "Everyone loves everyone. they're so close it's almost inappropriate." "We would love the opportunity to prove you wrong. but I've done those tours before." "I'm gonna pass." "Um..." "Thank you so much." "we got that." "they've already put it on my room." "And in addition to the breakfast my company won't pay for anymore." "guys." "Great." "That was uplifting." "He's saying we suck." "Our big closer was a thumb drive." "but we don't suck." "We just need a way to show him that." "How are we gonna do that?" "We're gonna invite him to our cancelled wine and cheese night?" "we should take him out for real." "you heard him." "His company won't even buy him breakfast." "He's an old school guy who drinks scotch at lunch." "We should take him out and show him a great time. then go out and get a couple of steaks and an STD." "no." "You're both right." "We show him a great time at our office Christmas party tonight." "What?" "I didn't say that." " It's not the worst idea." " Right?" "Of course it is." "We don't even have an office Christmas party." "Carol said no to all discretionary spending." "She wants to lay off 40%." "You want to double that?" "My sister doesn't do anything at 40%." "She's just cutting off our legs so we can't run away when she wants to fucking curb-stomp our face." "This is the way we close Walter." "We throw the best Christmas party he's ever been to. he wants to work with us." "This is how we save everybody's job!" "Josh." "Say yes." "unless you have a better idea." "(SIGHS)" "That's your approval sigh." "Walter?" "We have one more pitch for you." "Do you party?" "I used to." "(INDISTINCT CHATTER)" "so we have to throw a massive party from scratch in five hours." "Yeah." "And we got an office full of pissed-off employees." "I got this." "I have a black belt in partying." "That's why I got kicked out of boarding school and two intensive care units." "B's." "Let's get mother-F-ing drunk." " "Attendance mandatory."" " Yeah." "Lawsuit!" "okay?" "would you do me a favour?" "Would you get Fred up to Clay's office?" "sure." " Thank you." " Wait!" " Yup." "I happen to have a friend who's a pretty good D.J." "Great." "Bring him." "we already got a D.J." " Yep." "so let me get this straight." "Now we're having this great party and we're getting our bonuses at it." "because you deserve it!" "Maybe you shouldn't have promised them bonuses." "first rule of business:" "Shoot for the moon and you'll land on the sun." "I'd love to know where you read that." "And let's just focus on closing Walter." "Carol burned this place to the ground." "We are planting the seeds of a new dawn." "Smitty?" "Clay Vanstone." "I'm not dead." "That was although well-founded." "How much alcohol can I legally buy from you?" "(TYRES SCREECH)" "Move out of my way." "I will drop this on your back." "Move!" "You know what?" "you sweet motherfucker." "Ah!" "Smitty?" " Yes." " Yes!" "Okay." "You want this?" " No." "All right." "I'm keeping this lamb. something that will make us look cool." "Does anybody know anybody who knows the Kanye West?" "TRACEY AND JOSH:" "No." "But my girlfriend does P.R. for the Bulls." "does your girlfriend have a friend who knows the man that makes us call him Yeezy?" "man?" "Did you see?" "Significant others are welcome at the party." "Look at that." "Looks like we're finally gonna meet Becca." "Yeah!" "shoot." "except she's working late tonight." "Modelling." "Is she shooting the cover" " of Full of Shit magazine?" " (LAUGHS)" "You know what?" "She's gonna be there." "You guys!" "Nate's girlfriend's coming!" "match." "Match!" "Come on." "what are we gonna do with these after the party?" "Raffle." "(INDISTINCT CHATTER) we're surprisingly productive." "I just wish Carol could see this." "that would be very bad." "you're right." "go put on your party suits." " Yeah." " Tonight's gonna be a great night." "(RAP MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)" "(KNOCKING ON DOOR) I don't need to do any pre-game for..." " Carol." " Pre-game for what?" "work session we got tonight." "(STAMMERING) And to complete... you know?" "really well." " Hmm. (CLEARS THROAT)" " Phase one's complete." "Why don't you come on in?" "I thought you were going to London. but I thought I would stop by and have a tour of your bachelor pad." "that didn't take long." "How did you know about my divorce?" "you changed your emergency contact to "self." "And nobody single by choice would live this close to the freeway." "Is that robe why your wife left you?" "Carol?" "I want you to work for me in New York." "You basically run this branch without the credit. and a boss who doesn't end every memo with a quote from Aerosmith." "and I'm very happy where I am." " Really?" " Yeah." "I don't see happy." "I see crappy." "And a rug that makes me sad." "um... what are you gonna have?" "Not much." " Merry Christmas!" " (DOOR CLOSES)" "(INDISTINCT CHATTER)" " Thank you." " You got it." "man." "Good to see you." "Hi." "Eight years" " I've been working here." " Turn around." "Carla?" "What's your dream contraband?" "I just like making you my bitch." " You can go." " (SCOFFS) Thank you." " CARLA:" "Josh." " Wow!" "You look like if she joined the TSA." "(CHUCKLES) please." "who's Mr December?" "he's a VIP." "I want you to do me a favour and let me know the second he comes in." "Can you do that?" "You will hear the sound of heavy flirting." "Or just a text." "That'd be great." "And are you gonna join us later? make sure no crazy stuff happens." "But if it does..." "(EXCLAIMS) I'm ready." "And you went with the yellow." "Smart." "Right?" "(CHUCKLES)" "JOSH:" "Hey." " How's everyone doing tonight?" " Great." " It's my birthday." " Ah." "Really committing." "That's nice." "(MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO) look at that!" "Susan." "right?" " How you doin'?" "Throw that in coat check for me please." "Thank you." "You look great." "Oh." "Dean." "huh?" "Yeah." "We couldn't get anyone to watch him." "he has an iPad." "We could axe murder each other and he wouldn't even notice." "He'll just sit there with that dumb look on his face." "that's the one." "can you stick him in my office for me?" "but..." " Have a good time." " Thank you. because these edibles are gonna kick in any second." " (MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING) - (INDISTINCT CHATTER)" "Rodney." " Want a Zeno Punch?" " No." "neither." "too." "though." "Yep." " Okay." "Jeremy?" "I feel like I'm still at the office." "Yeah." "Oh." "Thank you." "(MARY EXCLAIMING)" "(BLOWER WHIRRING)" "(CLAY SUCKING TEETH)" "(CLAY GURGLING)" "(SPITS)" "(EXHALES DEEPLY) I know I haven't asked You for much in this life." "I was born rich." "And white." "And male." "And straight." "Except for that one time." "But that's Las Vegas." "(INHALES DEEPLY)" "But tonight I need You to bless this party." "This party has to rock. she is losing it!" "And she has all my personal information." "And so that we can prove my sister wrong." "Show her that I am a good boss." "And will You say hi to our dad?" "And tell him we really miss him." "(SNIFFLES)" "And that I'm rocking his Santa suit." "and tell Prince and David Bowie how much they meant to everybody." "Purple Rain..." "They know." "(BREATHES DEEPLY) let's light this fucking candle." "(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)" "Zenotek!" "Santa Claus!" "I'ma comin' to town for an epic night." "Yay!" "Santa!" "(SCATTERED CHEERS) we'll get there." "Greg." "(GRUNTING)" "Dean!" "Clear." "I'm coming around." "shit." " (CROWD GASPS) - (LAUGHING)" "God." "CLAY:" "It's okay!" "It's okay!" "That was part of it." "what an entrance!" "folks!" "bitches!" "Santa can't be hurt." "You doing okay?" "You all right?" "yeah..." " Are you sure?" "I had this for padding." "Holy shit." "What the fuck is that?" "Tell me that's not for something illegal." "this is all mine." "I rented one of those Money Tornados." "I'm gonna make it rain like a hurricane." "Are you sure you're not getting carried away?" "This seems like a lot of money you're spending." "okay?" "it's me." "All right?" "And speaking of." "There you go." "Hi." " Cool." " Little Jesus." "for the nativity scene." "okay?" "Is it?" " (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS) - (MAN SHOUTS) shit!" "DJ Calvis in the house tonight!" "no." "(JOEL CONTINUES YELLING)" "Add my Snapchat:" "DJ Calvis." "Joel's friend looks just like Joel." "Ooh!" "Looks like some babies getting made tonight!" "I'm not looking to get pregnant tonight." "Excuse me." "Sorry." "Sorry." "that's a red card for you. not here on company property. please go beyond the flood lamps at the perimeter of the plaza and into the Rite Aid parking lot." "That's right." "'Cause we fucking tonight!" " Joel." "Language." " (INDISTINCT) and the rules don't turn off." "but your inhibitions can!" "I'm talking about take your pee-pees out and put 'em in some booties!" "(SCATS)" "And remember that tonight the decisions you make will have consequences that will haunt you for the rest of your professional lives." "um..." "And so have fun." "way to psyche everybody up! do it in the parking lot." " Turn it up!" " (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)" "(INDISTINCT CHATTER)" "(CHUCKLES)" " (CHUCKLES) Hey." " Hey!" "Someone cleans up nice." "Oh... from earlier." "yeah." "I was just making a party joke." "I didn't want to go all the way home so I just sat in my car and worked." "also I was waiting for my phone to charge." "Oh." "So you're all charged up!" "(CHUCKLES)" "(LAUGHS HUMOURLESSLY)" "What?" "I said you're all charged up." "my phone." "the music is really loud." "Do you want to go somewhere and talk?" "yeah." " Okay." "(INDISTINCT CHATTER)" "This is Zenotek." "shit!" "That's Jimmy Butler right there!" "Who's Jimmy Butler?" "Two-time All-Star." "Best player on my fantasy team." "Butler!" "(GASPS) fuck." "These are great." "You know what?" "Why don't you give me your number and I'll text these to you." "Excuse me." "Hey." "Hi." "this is Josh." " Hey." "How you doing?" "huh?" "no." "I'm feeling small right now." "Look at this." "Good for you." "Here's the big man!" "Jimmy Buckets." "Clay Vanstone." "man." "Of course." "I've been trying to expand the Jimmy Butler empire into the tech space." "I'm thinking Jimmy Butler dating app." " Maybe Butlerbook?" " I like it." " Jimmyface?" " These are all good ideas." "Do you want to see the first processor that we ever made?" "It's as big as a mini-fridge and it used to set fires." "It's upstairs with the good tequila." " Of course." " Casamigos." "(WHISPERS) I'll save some for you." "Geek yourself out!" "He's really into technology." "how do you know" "Jimmy Butler again?" "I told you my friend does P.R. for the Bulls?" " Yes!" "Yeah." " Right." "I thought that bringing a famous basketball player would help with Walter." "right?" "Why wouldn't I be cool?" "It's the greatest idea in the world." "Of course I'm cool." " Very cool." "Please." " Okay." "Yeah." "Mr Cool." "I graduated valedictorian from Cool University!" "Good old C.U." "Mmm-hmm." "Okay." "C.U." later!" "Josh." "(TYRES SQUEALING IN DISTANCE)" "(CHIMES)" "(TYRES SCREECHING)" "(CAR DOOR CLOSES)" "Savannah?" "right?" "(CHUCKLES) Uh..." "I've never done this before." "Although my mum and I have watched a million times." "I love that movie!" "It's why I'm doing this." "wow." " Yeah." "It feels kind of dirty." "(CHUCKLES)" "You feel dirty?" "You're my third client tonight." "It's only 9:00 PM." "really? good." "um..." "Got it right here." "Hi." "Nate." "(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)" " Nate?" " Yeah." "I'm Trina. (CHUCKLES)" "I do hugs." "Get in here!" "(BOTH LAUGHING) you guys are gonna have so much fun tonight." "I can feel it." " You're already a couple." " Hope so." " (CHUCKLES)" " Already." "ma'am." "my gosh." "Look at him." "Prepared." "I love that." "I'm not even gonna count it." " You know why?" " Mmm-mmm." "right?" " Yeah." "we're not fucking friends." "my God. don't." "Because I'm hella stressed out right now." "This week has been a scheduling nightmare! and now all my appointments are set in 2019." "And in Hebrew." "It's a flawed program." "I've been saying this for years." " Shut up." " (WHIMPERS) if one more person pisses me off..." "One more..." "I don't know what's gonna happen." "(NATE WHIMPERS)" "I don't know what I'm gonna do." " We're clear?" " (SNIFFLES) just have a good time." "okay?" "we do not want to go through Thanksgiving again." "I'll be at Whole Foods." "Okay." "open my fucking door!" "Come on." "Let's go meet your friends." "I can close it myself!" "I'm a woman in 2016." "Jesus." "(CHEERY MUSIC PLAYING) incoming." "I just got a text from Carla." "Walter's on his way up." "This is it." "okay." "So we need an employee to sit on my lap right when he comes up." "A cheerful one." "Definitely not Jeremy." "great plan." "good." "Here." "You try and get this on." "Walter!" " Welcome to Zenotek." " How are you?" "I'm so glad you came." "Good to see you." "Can I take your coat?" "actually." " You sure?" "Okay." "what would you like to get started with?" "we got a photo booth." "It's like getting your picture taken in a tiny house." "We love it." "Jimmy Butler is here!" "Jimmy Butler from the Bulls is here." "What?" "Come on!" "Where is he?" "Do you want to take a selfie with him?" "Everyone's doin' it." "actually." " Oh." " There's a good team." " This was a mistake." " Hang on." "Hang on." "no." "Come on." "a mistake would be to miss the salmon station." "Do you like salmon?" "Huh?" "You want to swim upstream with me and go try some salmon?" "What does that even mean?" "You know what?" "Let's start with a drink." "Come on." "you want a drink with Walter?" "please." " Okay." "Here you go." " (EXCLAIMS) it's a vibrator." "Josh! our customer service manager." "nice to meet you." "Mary just fucking cited me!" "Okay?" "I thought this was a party." "I'm gonna dick tap Alan." "That's a timeless gag!" "off you go. just seeping into everybody's good time." "Every word she says makes my fucking haemorrhoids throb!" " I want that on the record." " It is." "He's in customer service?" "he's much better on the phone." "That's really where he shines." "Here we go." "right?" "dude." "It's the eggnog luge." "Oh." "Just the eggnog." "Okay." "Great." "Well... looks like fun." "Ladies first." "I'm not much on eggnog." "TRACEY:" "Don't listen to this guy." "He's Mr Fun." "come on!" "everybody!" "Josh is gonna do the luge!" "no." "I don't think so." "It's not for me." "ALL: (CHANTING) Josh!" "Josh!" "Josh!" "Josh!" "It looks like they want you to do it." "Should I do it?" "I'll do it." "let's do it." "This the luge right here?" "Here we go." "Here we go..." "Here we go... (ALL CHEERING)" "JOSH:" "Mmm-hmm." "Mmm." "God." "(LAUGHING) your turn." "Where'd Walter go?" "I totally got you deep throating him." "look at that." "That's beautiful." "did you see Walter?" "I don't know about that whole throne thing. everybody was complaining and the lap-sitting got weird." "no." "CLAY:" "What's happening?" "it's just not working." "If you took away everybody's drinks it just looks like we're at work." "You know what I mean?" "We need to get amped up." "We need to get them interacting." "You guys should do what you did at the party last year." "No." "Not doing that." "Come on." "that was lame." "it was fucking awesome!" "People loved it!" "It wasn't." "And they didn't." "Do it for the company." "All right?" "I'm gonna go give Walter party mouth-to-mouth." "Is he crying?" "I wanted to give you this pamphlet which has a lot of good information about the signs and symptoms of sadness." "I like to remember something my grandma used to sing." "(SINGING IN GERMAN)" "It's about ducklings." "(CONTINUES SINGING IN GERMAN) right?" "that's it. but I saw Meghan rifling through all the pockets." "no." "My Bath  Body Works coupons!" "remember?" " Hey." " How are you?" " I want to show you Zenotek." " Ah." "Yes." "(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)" "You're a very expressive dancer." "thanks." "Let me know if you want me you know?" "we're good." " Okay." "there's actually some guys I want you to meet." "great." "yeah?" "I already gave Trina $200." "that's just for the first hour. 000." " Two grand?" "No." "No way." " Yeah." "(STAMMERING) The website clearly said it was $200 for the whole night." "Do I look like I'm $200 a night?" "okay?" "Okay." "Give me your watch as collateral." "It's my grandmother's." "I don't care." "Shit." "Holy shit." "(EXHALES) That was just how daddy likes it." "Mmm-hmm." "Check it out." " You're a fireman." " (BOTH LAUGH)" "Must be really nice to have a day care centre at work." "yeah." "Clay set this up when I was pregnant." "I think he just wanted an excuse to have Play-Doh in the office." " Shall we?" " Oh. (CHUCKLES)" " You are such a good mum." " Aw." "Thanks." "bet you'd make me finish all my homework before I could go outside and play." "especially if you were being naughty." "Do I need to be punished?" "I guess that depends on your homework." "I bet you'd make me brush my teeth so I don't get any cavities." "we're still doing this." "Okay. (CHUCKLES)" "Mummy." "do you have some kind of weird fetish?" "What?" "No!" "I didn't mean to give you that impression." " I just got carried away." " Oh." "I just really like you." "too." "(BOTH MOANING)" "Something's happening in my diaper." " Okay." "Fuck this." "I got to go." " Huh?" " This is my nightmare." " What?" "uh..." " So I'm gonna go." " Mummy!" "Allison." "Don't leave." "Save that shit for the fourth date like a normal person!" "Sorry." "(MUTTERING) this is what you've been saving for." "Who designed this?" " Come on!" " (CASH MACHINE BEEPING)" "Shit!" "Fuck me!" "(MUTTERING)" "Yes." " (TYRES SCREECH) - (NATE YELLS)" "(HORN BLARES)" "(NATE PANTING)" "I'm okay!" "Merry Christmas!" "(SIGHS) Okay." "You ready?" "you look ridiculous." "Is it the hat?" "(CLUB MUSIC PLAYING) everybody!" "Who's happy about the holidays?" "Okay." "Okay. (LAUGHS)" "(CROWD CHEERING)" "you dickheads want to buy some cocaine?" "(STAMMERS) Yeah!" "We'll do that." "One cocaine." "Want to do it with us?" "(CHEERING)" "(COUGHING)" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "(BOTH SCATTING)" "Walter." "believes in taking risks." "You know what we should do tonight?" "We should do something that scares us." "Makes us feel alive!" "Do you think you could swing across the dance floor with those lights?" "What's that? do you think that you could swing make it all the way to my office?" "Merry fucking Christmas." "You know what? - it's time to hit the road." " (GLASSES CLINK) 'cause we're just getting started!" "(SNOW MACHINE HISSING)" "Hey!" "You got snow machined." "That's meant to be lucky." "It tastes bitter." "It's just paper products." "Let's get you cleaned up." "great." "So I guess we'll just take two then?" "don't call me." "TIM:" "You on Snapchat?" "DREW:" "We'll be up here if you want to come back up here." "(PANTING) I need some air." "also I have your Secret Santa." "Oh." "Okay." "What are you doing?" "Pissing off Mary." "# GreatestPartyEver. #OpenBar." "How do you spell "Hanukkah"?" "who are you sending that to?" "everyone in Chicago." "(GIGGLES)" "TRACEY:" "You've never been up here?" "JOSH:" "No." "TRACEY:" "This is where I usually am during the sexual harassment seminars." "it's beautiful." "it's colder up here for sure." "uh... it's higher." "Maybe let's go..." "Let's go lower." "And warmer." "Come on." "it never locks." "no." "It never locks!" "I bet you're also never up here right?" " No." "I came prepared." "So did I." "Your Secret Santa." "That's a lot better than where I'm keeping mine." "(LAUGHS)" "Excuse me." "Mr Vanstone?" " Have you seen this?" " Hi." "I'm Rodney." "(STAMMERING) We haven't met yet." "I'm an intern here." "I just wanted to say Merry Christmas." "you can have a job." " Are you serious?" "party hire." "Junior associate." "Congrats." "thank you!" " Thank you." " Thank you so much." "Rodney!" "We're gonna get you a new name." "Done!" "I'll call my parents." "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Hey." "You okay?" "Ha!" "I was down." "I was having a bad day." "But now I'm lifting." "I'm seeing things." "My mind." "The ideas are flying through my mind!" "good." " High five." "Ha!" " Sure." "Ha-ha!" "baby!" "(BOTH CHEERING)" "(BOTH LAUGH)" "Let's go get fucked up." "but not too much." "a lot of bad things happen." "my sister's horse goes missing." "My car is covered in horse hair and blood." "Fingers get pointed." "Smoke PCP as a favour." "Beach burns down." "That ain't never been my problem." "Come on!" "Let's go get a drink!" "Yeah!" "shit!" "(YELLING)" "(WALTER YELLING)" "(YELLING)" "(ALL CHEERING)" "WEATHERMAN:" "We're expecting blizzard conditions for 12 to 24 hours..." "Just get me on a plane." "all right?" "I have enough miles to orbit the sun." "ma'am." "All flights are grounded until the snow clears." "There's nothing more I can do." "refer me to someone who can do something." "ma'am." "Her." "Have a great holiday." "Shit." "Did you eat my Cinnabon?" "No." "Where's your mother?" "Bathroom." "sweetie?" " Darcy." "Oh." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "Santa." "Carol Vanstone." "I'm here with Darcy." "I know." "Terrible name." "And she's being a little shit here in the first class lounge." "So I think we should cancel all of her Christmas presents this year. too." "Great." "Bye." "please." "all flights have been cancelled." "Shit!" " (PASSENGERS MUTTERING) - (CAROL GROANS)" "(WHISPERS) Fuck you!" "(CROWD CHEERING) you having a good time now?" "huh?" "(ALL CHEERING)" "Calvis!" "Old school." "(MUSIC PLAYS)" "Make some noise!" "Yeah!" " (UPBEAT HIP-HOP PLAYING) - (ALL CHEERING)" "(VOCALIZING)" "(RAPPING) # Here we go now!" "Is this not the best fucking party y'all been to?" "Come on down!" "# Here we go now!" "Here we go now!" "here we go!" "Let me clear my throat get on up here." "Walter!" "(MIMICS CLEARING THROAT)" "ALL:" "Goddamn!" "Mary!" "no." "Give me the mike." "no." "yeah!" " (CHEERING)" "You got to stop." "you say R" " # H.R.!" "H.R.!" " (CROWD RESPONDING) you say R" " # H.R.!" "H.R.!" " (CROWD RESPONDING) you say R" " # H.R.!" "H.R.!" " (CROWD RESPONDING)" "Yeah!" "(EXCLAIMS)" "(CLAY MIMICS CLEARING THROAT)" "(RAPPING) # lf y'all want to party like we do # lf y'all want to party like us ah!"" "(CROWD RESPONDING) # lf y'all want to party like we do # lf y'all want to party like us ah!"" "(VOCALIZING) that's part of it." "Yeah! just like every motherfucker in here!" "(ALL CHEERING) y'all freeze one time" "# Freeze!" "# Now let me clear my throat" "# Special dedication going out to all the ladies" "# And all the brothers in here!" "ALL: (CHANTING) Go!" "Go!" "Go!" "Go!" "Go!" "(CHANTING CONTINUES)" "(ALL CHEERING) right?" "JOSH:" "This has turned from charming into life-threatening." "I cannot believe that they are still not responding." "At least my death will give my parents something to talk about at the meal I'm gonna miss." " Going to your parents' place?" " Every year." "This is where not having any family actually pays off." "I get the whole city to myself." "It's like some kind of awesome plague came in and spared only me and the Chinese restaurants." "This is useless." "huh?" " (CHUCKLES)" "There's not gonna be a stocking on your mantel for Jimmy Butler at your place?" " What are you doing?" " Nothing?" "Just asking." "You know?" "Josh." "But you freaked out and ran away." "so... (SCOFFS)" "You'd been separated for a year." " I fucked up." " Yeah." "Because you're an idiot." "I'm sorry." "I have been feeling shitty about it." "We should've done this a long time ago." " Yeah." " Right?" "(JEREMY LAUGHING)" "(GRUNTING)" "Jeremy." " Huh?" "Hey!" "guys?" "huh?" "Yeah." "Leave you to it." " This is my territory!" " JOSH:" "Got it." "That's clear." "(BARKING)" "CLAY:" "They can't shut us down!" "We're never gonna get shut down!" "you say Tek" " # Zeno-Tek!" "Zeno-Tek!" " (CROWD RESPONDING) you say Tek" " # Zeno-Tek!" "Zeno-Tek!" " (CROWD RESPONDING)" "(CLAY CONTINUES RAPPING)" "It's a Christmas miracle." "you say Tek" " # Zeno-Tek!" "Zeno-Tek!" " (CROWD RESPONDING) you say Tek" " # Zeno-Tek!" "Zeno-Tek!" "# - (CROWD RESPONDING)" "I love this party!" "I love this company!" "And I want to work with you people!" "(ALL CHEERING)" "What did he just say?" "Did Clay just close Walter?" "he really is Santa Claus." " Yeah!" " (CROWD CHEERING) - that's my grandmother's name." " Mmm." "I did not know that." " Yeah." "Oh." "It's kind of an old-timey name." "Don't really hear" "Carol much anymore." "I'm Carol." "I gotta get home before I miss my stories." "I'm Carol." "I heard about Pearl Harbor on the radio." "I'm Carol." "I died in the beginning of Up."" "(CHUCKLES) That movie?" "I'm just nervous." "My first night on the job." "On the ol' J.O.B." " It's your first night?" " Yeah." "Driving?" "First night driving the ol' Ubes." "(CAROL SIGHS) though." "Make my own hours." "I could hook you up if you want to be an Uber driver." "I'm good." "I already have a job." "Thank you very much." "but you could be CEO of your own car!" "I am a CEO." "Of Uber?" "my God." "Is this Undercover Boss?" "Is that a camera?" "Am I on ca..." "Are you wearing a disguise?" "No." "This is not Undercover Boss." "I am not the CEO of Uber." "I am the CEO of Zenotek." "Please just drive. four people at that party tonight." "I'm sorry?" "They gave me three stars like a bunch of bitches." "Excuse me." "What did you just say?" "no." "What party?" "Oooh." "bunch of bitches!" "(STAMMERS) Can you just..." " Can you move?" "Move!" " (HORNS HONKING)" "(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)" "the Optic Monkeys? because you couldn't get a babysitter?" "Did you hack into my emails?" "Get the fuck out of here." "And never use that British accent again." "are you okay?" "No!" "I'm not okay. and Fred from accounting is like a human fucking AMBER Alert." "Don't I deserve to date someone who is nice?" "Of course you do." "you're an amazing person." "You basically take care of this whole office. even though most people don't seem to notice. you deserve someone nice." "I missed you." "let's dance." "Just hang in there." "Rodney!" "(ALL CHEERING)" "(YELLING)" "Nate!" "man." "Larry from shipping here actually has a really great story that he wants to tell you." "I'll give you a handy for $40. my penis was in her hand and then she starts..." "I know how a hand job works." "I had no idea you guys were together." "what are you talking about?" "So Becca gave Larry a hand job in the men's room." "Goddamn it!" "ooh!" "I'm going next." "I'm inspired!" "I'm going next." "wait." "shit." "I was about to do my balls!" "Hey!" "What about the 3D printer?" " Yes." "Yes!" " Yeah?" "I'm going first!" "(WOMEN SHRIEKING)" "(WOMEN CHEERING)" "(CAROL GASPS)" "(MUFFLED MUSIC PLAYING)" "(INDISTINCT CHATTER)" "Excuse me." "Excuse me!" "Excuse me." "(BELL RINGING)" "CLAY:" "Raise your hands if you're keeping your jobs!" "Raise your hands if you're gonna get a bonus!" "CAROL:" "Excuse me." "Clay?" "Clay!" "fuck." "sis." "hey." "listen to what I did." "I said no party! and you couldn't even do that!" "Couldn't even do that!" "Carol!" "okay?" "This is all for a reason." "(CLAMOURING) he wants to give us his business." " We did it." " CLAY:" "See?" "I'm not a failure." "I'm a good boss." "The party worked!" " Walter Davis?" " Yeah." " Is at this party?" " JOSH:" "That's right." "Where is he?" "I don't know." "Where was he?" "He was just on the stage." "Oh..." "Guys?" "Guys!" "That's not good." "(WALTER GROANING)" "Here we go!" "CROWD: (CHANTING) Do it!" "Do it!" "Do it!" "no." "Shh!" "that was my idea." "buddy!" "Why don't you come down using the stairs?" "it's like you said!" "I want to do something that scares me." "To feel alive!" "Maybe not right now." "What did you guys do to him?" "buddy!" "I'm the king of I.T. buyers!" "Whoo!" "(CROWD GASPS)" " Oh!" " CAROL:" "Shit!" "Oh!" "God." "(CLICKS TONGUE) So close." "(GROANING)" "Walter." "You were like an eagle up there." "You were free." "You did it." "Did we win?" "we won." "WALTER: (MUFFLED) Zenotek!" "Zenotek!" "That poor guy." "What a day he's had." "First he gets fired and now this." "what?" " Did you say fired?" "yeah." "he got fired at the close of business today." "two hours ago." "They shipped his whole branch overseas." "What?" "I confirmed it with my H.R. Facebook group." "And they know everything." "because I'm detail-oriented." "So you didn't get a contract with Walter Davis because he didn't have a contract to give." "here's the thing..." "He wanted to work with us." " So..." " Clay." "Clay!" "Yeah?" "I'm not mad." "You're not?" "I was mad when Dad gave you this branch just as a reward for taking six years to graduate with a degree in..." "What is it?" "Canadian television theory with concentration in Drake." "CAROL:" "But this doesn't make me mad." " I feel relieved." " All right." " Because it's over." " (CHUCKLES) because it's late." "Allison got a clean-up crew" " for tomorrow." " CAROL:" "Uh-huh." "Clay." "I'm terminating this branch. and then I get fucked." "I get fucked!" "let's take one beat." "Carol." "Carol." "so blame me." "But these are good people." "You can't close this branch." "This is Dad's branch." "you know what?" "He shouldn't have given it to you to fuck up." "good luck trying to be Mr Fun Guy when you have to fire all these people." "WOMAN:" "Whoo!" "I'll see you in New York." "what?" "Did your little friend not tell you?" "He's coming to work for me." "right." "I never said yes to that job." "I don't recall you ever saying no." "Clay." "I never sa..." "Hey." "Clay." "Clay..." "You told me you had a two-drink limit." "Yeah." "You're right." "y'all didn't forget about DJ Calvis!" " (CLUB MUSIC PLAYING)" " Whoo!" "(ALL CHEERING)" "WALTER: (MUFFLED) I want to go back to the party!" "Whoo!" "Hey!" "What the hell? then you go and give all my co-workers hand jobs? and he was pretty impressed." "I want my money back." " Well... what was that?" "I couldn't hear you over my gun." "I want my money back." " Oh. but perhaps I can address your grievance." "everything's fine. or like positive three?" "Five." "Five?" "Alexei!" "NATE:" "Uh..." "This is so funny." "Do that thing where you pull his asshole through his face." "Don't please." "Shit!" "Santa's gonna get fucked up tonight!" "(YELLS) Who wants to party with Santa?" "Who the fuck is that?" "that guy is really rich." "And he's really stupid." "then what are we doing with Spelling Bee here?" "Get outta here." "Go!" "Santa!" "Wanna party?" "Yeah." "Tracey!" "Tracey!" "Hey." "Tracey!" "WOMAN:" "Hey!" "Tracey?" "are you in here?" "pardon me." "Hello?" "Oh." "it's happening." "(EXCLAIMS)" "Good for you." "which one are you in?" "but in no way did I say..." "Josh." "I get it." "too." " What?" "She offered you a job?" " Yeah." "Triple the salary." "An apartment overlooking Central Park." "I got double and moving costs." "(SCOFFS) The real difference is I said no." "I'm not fighting with you about this." "It's silly." "I didn't take the job." "either." "that's who you are." "I'm happy for you." "You should go to New York." "Is that what you want?" "You want me to go to New York?" "There's a real human centipede situation happening in the men's room." "please." "Don't go." "this is almost the whole marketing department in here." "Josh." "where's Clay?" "Asswipe loses everybody their jobs and runs." "How much did he spend on this party?" "He could have just given that money to us." "Clay sucks." "like on that podcast." "Put the Red Bull down." "fuck you guys!" "but..." "Clay cares more about people than anyone I've ever met." "He was gonna pay your bonuses tonight with the last of his money." "What?" "he's broke." "Clay is broke." "Who do you think paid for that bouncy house in accounting?" "Training that dog to deliver the mail?" "The zip-Iine?" "Doughnut Fridays?" "It was all Clay!" "He spent all of his money trying to keep this branch afloat." "Treat your employees like they're your family and they'll do great things for you." "Clay just left to get drugs with Becca and her pimp." "Wait..." "Who's Becca?" "that's his girlfriend!" "she's right." "Becca's a prostitute." "nice." "Oh." "Nope." "Clay left to go get drugs with a pimp?" "Yes." "She has a gun and a serious mood imbalance." "Fuck." "Carol!" "We have a problem." "you have lots of problems." "Good luck." "excuse me." "Carol!" "Listen. 000 strapped to his chest." "that really does sound like a big problem..." "For Clay." "You already lost your dad." "you'll have no one." "that's not a place you want to be." "(ELEVATOR DINGS)" " I don't care." " TRACEY:" "What?" "boy." "This woman..." " What is wrong with her?" "Really?" "Guys!" "I don't know what to do." "Clay's not picking up his phone." "I think I can locate him." "guys." "you know." "Yeah." "Yeah." "There we go." " Amazing." " Absolutely." "okay?" "They're not your soulmates." "They just hacked your Facebook." " That's horseshit!" " Unbelievable." "So uncool." "girls!" "WENDY:" "I knew you didn't like the Gilmore Girls." "I'm gonna need both of you assclowns to hack into Clay's phone so we can find him." "seriously?" "why would we help you?" "and I'm telling you to." " He can't touch him!" " I'll allow it." "there's a car on fire." "Did the Bears win?" "What are you looking at?" "(CHEERS AND LAUGHTER)" "Jesus. baby!" "(ALL CHEERING) what department are you in?" "I don't work here." "baby!" "Who's with me?" " Fuck." " (GLASS SHATTERS)" "(INDISTINCT CHATTERING) it's gonna be a problem." "I'm not playing with y'all!" "Carla!" "Carla!" "I need you to go upstairs and lock this shit down." "We gotta go help Clay." "fuck that!" "The security guard was the first one to go in Die Hard." "this is the one you knew would come." "Be our John McClane." "I'm on it." "Hey." "In case it gets dark." "Who wants to get tased?" "where's your car?" "I took a cab." "I thought we were gonna take your car." "I took the EI." "(TYRES SCREECH)" "Let's go get our Santa." " Great!" " Oh." "don't." "It's a lift and pull." "let me do it." " I'm pulling out." " Oh!" "it's..." "It's locked." "Thanks." " Get in." "Come on." " (JOSH GRUNTING)" "What'd you get all over your seats?" "it's from the parrots." "it's not poop." "It's some..." "It's genital secretions." "It's mating season." " Oh." " Should be dry." "Okay." "Nate says Clay's on the South Side." "(CAR DOOR OPENS)" "He is not gonna fuck this up for me." "The board will vote me CEO." "okay?" "please." "It's a Kia." "It's what God would drive." "(TYRES SCREECHING)" "(HORNS HONKING)" "(SNORTING)" "Oh!" "I told everybody but then they weren't." "which..." "Is basically the worst thing you can do." "it is so stressful being the boss." "Nobody ever talks about that." "not at all. rich Santa." "no one gives a shit! Oh!" "I'm having a bad pimp day." "you understand." "3:00 AM:" "brring!" "like yesterday." "the same with me!" "it's data storage." "chairing a PTA meeting." "Can you have someone blow me in the gymnasium?" "absolutely." "It never ends." "your girl just stabbed me in the leg and now I'm bleeding out in the alleyway." "I don't relate to that as much." "right?" "How much people lean on you? so she's not gonna let that go." "though." " Yeah." " You can never escape them." "You can never escape them." "man." "You know why?" "honey." "actually." "I spent it all trying to keep the branch open." "000 cash." "You have 300 grand." "Kill me." "so where is the money?" " It's on my person." "It's safe." " It's in your personal safe?" "this is it!" "This is..." "There's a spot!" "Right there." "You passed it!" "(TYRES SCREECH)" "Careful." "Easy." "Oh!" "That's how you park a minivan." " CAROL:" "Jeez!" " Very impressive." "are you sure about this address here?" "Yes. 92765 Union Street." "Red Square Club." "I can see you fucking on my desk!" "(CROWD CHEERING)" "(SIGHS) Uh..." " I'll go see what's going on." " Okay." "This is it." "my God." "maybe he deserved it." "Who knows?" "guys." "Come on." "Quickly?" "Because I don't know what's gonna happen in there." "Last year I filed a sexual harassment complaint against myself." " Against yourself." " Mmm-hmm." "he was changing the toner." "And I pretended to drop something on the ground so that I could bend over and graze his butt with my nose." "And I did." "(SIGHS) I will ruin you." "Hmm." "That's harassment." "That's why he quit." "You seem like you feel better." "Here we go. we can't go in there looking like this." "Carol?" "Why don't you give me your coat?" " How we doing tonight?" " Private party." "Members only." "I'm a businessman." "These are my business ladies of the night." "You hear what I'm saying to you?" "They only come out at night." " Okay." "Okay." " Mostly for parties." "(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)" "MARY:" "It's a beautiful language." "(DOOR OPENS)" "Carol." " (SPEAKS RUSSIAN)" " (INDISTINCT CHATTERING) - (HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)" "Seems like an appropriate setting for an emotional rock bottom." "there's a back room." "Hi." "How you doing?" "Have you seen a guy in a Santa suit?" "Fuck you." "I don't tell you anything." "now listen here." " Nuh-uh-uh." " (MAN GRUNTS) - (TRACEY GASPS)" " (BONE CRACKS) - (GRUNTING)" "Hi." "Me again." "Where's Santa?" "Fuck you. (GRUNTS)" "You do not want to die at the hands of Lululemon here. and she's made of nothing but salad and Smartwater." "no tap outs." "(GRUNTING)" "Back door?" "Thank you." " Bitch." " What?" "(GRUNTS)" "Was that too much?" " Just a little." " I loved it." "JOSH:" "Let's go." "God." "go." " Okay." "Enjoy." " (EXHALES) let's party." "CLAY:" "Vin Diesel ain't got shit on me!" "JOSH:" "Clay!" "What did he say?" "I think I know where they're going." "Let's get the car." "Come on!" "(BOTH GRUNTING)" "Let's go!" "Excuse me." "Excuse me." "get in the car!" "Damn it." "(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)" "# God rest ye merry gentlemen" "# Let nothing you dismay" "# Remember Christ the Saviour" "# Was born on Christmas Day" "# To save us all from Satan's power" "# When we were gone astray" "# Tidings of comfort and joy" "# Comfort and joy tidings of comfort" "# Comfort and joy!" "#" "(TYRES SCREECH)" "I fucked up." "I did." "I lost a lot of people's jobs." "I hurt a lot of good people tonight." "totally." "Cool story." "Are we coming up to your apartment building or..." "We're not going to my apartment." "we are." "We are going to your apartment to go to the safe." "There's nothing safe about what we're gonna do." "you know." "so that's what we're gonna do." " Red light." " TRINA:" "What the fuck are you talking about?" "There's a red light!" "That's a red light!" "(TYRES SCREECHING) yeah!" "(LAUGHS) - (GASPS)" "We go right through 'em." "They're just suggestions." "the fucking windshield." "Are you kidding?" "Not now!" "Josh." "We don't need that right now." "What about that?" "that's the recirculating mode." "How am I gonna run Zenotek without this Genius Bar?" "You can get up here and help if you'd like." "my seat's getting hotter." "why do you even have a minivan?" " You don't have kids." " I buy in bulk!" " TRACEY:" "Oh!" "It's them!" " Yeah." "good eyes." "God!" "What's that smell? I have been farting this entire time." "(TYRES SCREECHING) my gosh. take me to your personal safe right now." "We don't need money where we're going." " Where are we going?" " For glory." "The Clark Street Bridge." "This time of night it'll be up." "We're gonna jump the bridge and never look back." "(BELL DINGING)" "new game." "Pull over." "Just pull over or I'll tuck and roll." "Trina." " Just slow down." "I've been thinking about this for a while." "We can make this jump. but I'm not gonna let you guys down." "We're gonna escape our families and become anew!" "Pull over right now." "Or I shoot you in the fucking brain. because then he's gonna crash the car." "Savannah?" "Really?" "Why don't you put it in an email all right?" "Make double sure everyone got it. called "Savannah Says Fucking Stupid Things Out Loud." "(HORN HONKING)" "CAROL:" "Clay!" "I'm sorry!" "I was never gonna take that job." "Not good enough!" "Do not jump that bridge." "I'm a fuckup!" "(HORN HONKING)" "Shit!" "you fucking idiot!" "the nice supportive version?" "fucking idiot!" "No." "lady!" "Look." "Pull over!" "Pull over!" "Pull over!" "It doesn't work!" " It's not working." " None of it works! I'm going with you." "What?" "No!" "I am." " (BOTH PROTESTING)" "Vin Diesel?" " Put it into sport." " Here we go." "I'm sorry that I said you were safe." "I do." "man?" "we all go!" "Fuck." "I love America!" "I am not gonna die in a minivan." "hey!" "Get off the wheel!" "(CHRISTMAS SONG PLAYS)" "(ALL SCREAMING)" "(SCREAMING)" "(LAUGHING)" "(ALL GROANING)" "panty hose." "Where's Clay?" "It was on your person." "(YELLS)" "What did we hit? and cellular communications citywide." "you may not be able to order them at all." "by the way!" "Savannah?" "What'd you quit?" "Just a couple of normal girls here." "move it!" "Clear!" "MAN:" "The Internet's down." "My brother needs a doctor!" "you're gonna need to wait your turn." "Will you find someone that will help my brother?" "just back up!" "Back up." "Make a single file line against that wall and she will be with you when she has a fucking minute!" " (LAUGHTER AND CHATTER) - (CHRISTMAS SONG PLAYING)" "you trying to jump that bridge was really..." "Brave?" "That what you were going for?" "No." "Stupid." "I was gonna say stupid." "No." "I..." "I would say brave." " A little brave." " Yeah." "Hi." "how is he?" " Oh." "He's fine." "the doctor said that the crash actually fixed a previous fracture." "He's got..." "He's got this gift." "I don't..." "I don't get it." "well... maybe you'll reconsider firing everyone? my ass is fired." "No one has a job." " So..." " Carol?" "Is now a good time to exchange insurance information for the car stuff?" "by the way." " At the speed you were going?" " Comfortably. you would have had to at least been going..." " 110." " 95." "95." "okay. bird cages... and so do the birds." "you have to adjust your numbers to account for real world conditions." "Simple." "Or did they not teach you that in hacker college?" "You're right." "Thank you." "not about that." "Although hacker college does sound awesome." "It's AnywAir." "I've been doing it wrong." "(EXHALES)" "I..." "I've been treating the power grid as if it was a seamless source of Internet." "it's messy." "It..." "But if there was an opportunity where the conditions were just right." "If we were inside of a vacuum." "If it was still." "my God." " An Internet blackout." " An Internet blackout!" "Let's get you back to the office." " Yes!" " Come on." "yeah?" "(STAMMERS)" "Mary." " MARY:" "Go save the company!" "Mum?" "(TELEPHONE RINGING)" "Dad?" "(ELEVATOR DINGS)" "(WATER TRICKLING)" "(WOMEN LAUGHING)" "my... (DOOR OPENS)" "Oh." "Hey." "Hey." "Carla!" " Wassup?" " Morning." "but... so..." "Uh-uh!" "I see you!" "right?" "of course." " What..." "What's happening?" " Did you guys find Clay?" " Sorry." "Old habit." " Sure." "what..." "You're writing an algorithm that can respond to the grid in real time?" " That's gonna take..." " Done." "Forever." "Nate!" "How's that server bank?" "Still covered in beer!" "Five minutes!" "I hope it's beer." "Hey." "about what happened..." "All good." "Everyone has their thing." "but I just crave discipline." "My family had no set meal times." "it's cool." "I don't need your origin story." "Promise me you won't tell anyone?" " I'll do your taxes!" " Deal." "Great." "I got doughnuts! that's a bastard pastry." "(SIGHS)" "I still hate your rules." "But your dancing is wild and free." "Like an unmanned fire hose." "(SNICKERS)" "Put your pants on." "For now." "we can't fix the Internet if we can't get on the Internet." "Everything is down." "all the phones are working." "What about a dial-up modem?" "Great." "Now all you need is a RadioShack and a time machine." "right?" " There's one in Clay's office." "I got the desk." "Get the desk." "give me the wires." "Plug it in here." "Give me that." "I could use some of that giddy-up in H.R." "if you two ponies are looking for a new stable." "Mary." "Thank you so much." "We'll talk later." "you're showing a lot of neck." "Breaking your own rules." "isn't it?" " Plug it in." " NATE:" "Plugged in. if you want to use that for something." "but thank you." "guys." "What now?" "and then..." "And then everybody gets back on the Internet." "Hopefully." "Or I blow up the power grid." " So be ready for that." " Okay?" "Don't worry about that." "Just hit "Enter." "guys." "Here we go." "Power's still on." "I'm honestly shocked by that." "though." "It could take a few seconds." "you'll have a connection alert." "nothing." " Nothing yet." " (SIGHS)" " No?" "Anybody?" " No." "nothing." "Josh?" "No." "Just give it a little more time." "Maybe it wasn't ready." "hey." "It's ready." "MARY:" "Still dead." "Waiting for it." "Still dead." "(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)" "(MOBILE PHONE CHIMING)" " Is that you?" " Got it." "my God." "my God!" " Was that you?" " I got it!" "too!" " (NATE LAUGHS) there's mine." "Holy shit!" " Tracey!" " You did it!" "(CHIMING)" "(MOBILE PHONE CHIMING)" "(ALL EXCLAIM HAPPILY)" "(JEREMY TAUNTING)" "Work never stops." "You see that?" "Excuse me." "Excuse me." "but I do need you to sign a personal relationship disclosure form before this rounds first." "I don't think so." "sign this. or something?" "Yeah!" "Totally." ""Sign this." " You know what?" "Forget it." " Okay." "(ALL CHEERING)" "CLAY:" "Glass of wine in a family photo?" "Look at him in that suit." "What a stud." "He wore that better than you." "he did a lot of things better than me." "You're right to be pissed at me." "I always got to do whatever I wanted and you always ended up with the shit end of the stick." "It wasn't fair." "sis." "Thank you for that." "huh?" "I could have." "Right?" " Yeah." " Sure." " I have..." "I have a fun side." "I've seen it many a time." "I mean..." "I..." "Remember that Thanksgiving that you taught everybody the real rules of Monopoly?" "With the bidding wars and the strict time limit and... that wasn't fun." " I know." "Hi!" "My pain is at a 9 or a 10 or 11." "the..." "That face?" "So can I get some Dilaudid in another one of those little gelatine cups?" "You can't buy those." "I looked it up." "(MOBILE PHONE CHIMING)" "Huh." "The Internet's back up." "What the hell is a Zenotek?" " What?" " CAROL:" "What?" "my God!" "She did it." "She did it!" " Shut the fuck door!" " Oh. words and some numbers." But she did it." "my God." "this means everybody gets to keep their jobs?" "Everybody gets to keep their jobs." "Yes!" "I am gonna be CEO." "Because you deserve it." "And you throw a great fucking party." "didn't I?" " Oh!" "Walter." " Walter." "hello." " Hi." "nice to meet you." "There's my eagle." "Hey." "I just want to thank you for the best night of my life!" " Yeah?" "Yeah?" " (LAUGHS)" "I'll see you on Monday." "it looks like we just hired Walter Davis." "he'll fit right in." "Wow." " Did you see that?" " (CHUCKLES)" "CAROL:" "Oh." " What are you doing?" " Winner!" "(CHUCKLES) you weren't." "Why do you think they always make you leave a hospital in a wheelchair?" "(ALL EXCLAIM HAPPILY)" "What are you guys doing here?" "we can't go to breakfast without you." "let's go." "I'm in." "Breakfast is the most important meal" " of the morning." " Whoa!" "whoa!" "Whoa." "We good?" "Yeah." "We're good." " I'll go back down." " Your ankle is broken." " Excuse me." "Excuse me." " CAROL:" "Yes." " Oh." " You left this in your room." "I did." "Thank you." "I'm sorry." "And also this." "Doctor." "Here." "No." " Wanna get out of here?" " Let's go." "no." "I'm not getting in that." "I ordered us an Uber." "MARY:" "Carol?" "but get in the van." "we got to keep this train rolling." " No." " WOMEN:" "Yes." "No!" "You cannot have alcohol on your medication." "fuck that." "Drinking is medication." "this is a..." "This is a work breakfast." "There will be no alcohol at all." "(MOUTHS) Okay?" " Yeah." " (JOSH CHUCKLES)" "I saw that." "I assure you." "I am in charge." "There will be no more partying." "(MOUTHS)" "I'm literally standing right in front of you." "I'm literally right here." "I just don't know what it is you think that I'm not seeing." "I would never disobey medical advice. (MOUTHING) just go." "JOSH:" "It's an office thing." "Here we go." " Merry Christmas." " Let's go." "JOSH:" "Let's roll it to the car." "Happy Holidays." "Doctor." "Okay. (GRUNTS)" "Okay." "You need any help working your way out of here?" "Josh." "I was born in a U-Haul." "(TYRES SCREECH)" "Carol!" "no." "Are you sure?" "You look like a Carol." "Can you not hear me?" "Carol!" "Carol!" "Ugh." "(MOBILE PHONE CHIMES)" "Cancelled?" " Bunch of bitches!" " (MARY WHOOPS)" "MARY:" "You know red lights are just suggestions." "KELSEY:" "Are you smoking a marijuana cigarette right now?" " (ALL EXCLAIMING) - (HORN HONKING) we made it through." "Let's do another." "(FARTING)" "(LAUGHS)" "(LAUGHTER) not again." "(LAUGHTER)" "Let me do it again." "Let me just do it again." "I can do it." "damn it. (LAUGHS)" "(LAUGHTER) shit! learn to lie better." "Your mother's never coming back." "Merry Christmas!" "I'm gonna suck my dick." "guys." "can we go back to one for sucking my dick?" "I like it 'cause it looks like he's trying just a little too hard." "The artist?" "I hadn't thought about the artist." "Was this not where you had the key to the city of Margaritaville?" " (LAUGHTER)" " I did it." "I got rid of it." "Canadian cinema with a concentration in French-Canadian cinema." "Canadian music with a concentration in Rush." "Canadian linguistics." "Eh?" "(LAUGHTER)" "He used all of his inheritance..." "He used all of his inher..." "He used all of his inheritance." "It's a hard word to say." "To keep this branch afloat with his in-her-i-tance." "(LAUGHTER)" "I'm Carol." "I have the shingles again." "I'm Carol." "Has anyone seen my TV Guide?"" "I'm Carol." "Change frightens me." "We have to put Carol down." "She's old." "(LAUGHS)" "Andrew from the copy room told me that he had mono." "I said I wanted to get mono because I wanted to take a month off from work." "And I kissed him deeply." "And I didn't get mono!" "(LAUGHS)" "(LAUGHING) let's reset."