"ANNOUNCER (O.S.):" "Ladies and gentlemen, your hosts, Jonah Ray and Kumail Nanjiani!" "Hello!" "Do I have to shake these ones' hands?" "These ones'?" "These are our fans!" "Yeah, these ones." "These are dressed exactly the same!" "Has that been pointed out?" "Yes." "Look at this." "Could you guys stand up so th" "No, no, no!" "Just stay sit" "This guy was like, "Yes!"" "I'd like people to see it." "What, it?" "This-- It's a person!" "No,itis a situation, they're both people." "There's two of them, Kumail, you don't recognize women?" "All right." "Oh, my god!" "Hey, I don't see gender." "Yes, only race" "And economic status." "Yeah, yeah, that's right." "Who comes to this show regularly?" "Thank you." "That's good." "Uh, so, then you guys know, every week we sort of pick a topic and we talk about it." "We'll ask you guys about it." "And today, we're gonna talk about school shenanigans." "School shenanigans." "Yeah, whatever." "What do you have?" "I did some weird stuff." "Like me and my friends were kind of off to the side." "We never really do-- and we liked this one friend... because he was the only other person in school that liked Seinfeld as much as me." "Oh, you found someone else that liked the most popular television show?" "And so these guys, they're like, "Why do you want to hang out with Ian so much?"" ""What are you gay?"" "Which is, like, you know, in middle school, it's like a weird thing to say." "Something you don't know how to react" "And so, my response was to go" "But I had real bad allergies as a kid... just massive amounts of snot poured out of my nose." "And then I kind of am shocked by the amount of snot that came out of my nose... that I go" "And then I suck in all of the snot... and it slides down my throat." "And then I start to dry heave in front of them, on my knees." "That's a great comeback, if you'd planned it." "Oh, they'll know" "They'll never talk to me again!" "Thank you so much for coming to the first" "Thanks for coming to the Meltdown!" "Of Season Two... of Meltdown" "We're getting fancy." "I've got a new plaid." "We're going" " Kumail's got the fanciest piece of clothing I've ever seen him wear." "Two fabrics!" "Look at that!" "You got this one, then watch out!" "Just-- Sorry." "Am I gonna smudge it?" "Everybody has different things they do when they stress." "Jonah starts like weirdly insulting people." "Yeah." "Do you notice that?" "But then, like" "If you question him about it, he's like, "What?"" "And Kumail just gets mad." "Yeah." "And I stay cool." "This is my favorite part." "Backstage, I was like, "That's a nice jacket."" "And he immediately got self-conscious about it... 'cause it is not a T-shirt with a video game reference on it." "Who doesn't like this jacket?" "Do you not" "That's a weird spot to put somebody in." "It's like, "I'm a good person, right?"" "Like, you don't ask people that." "Because you're not." "No, I just" "If you have to ask, you're not a good person." "So, you like this jacket?" "That's what that means?" "It's my favorite jacket..." "It is-- based off of a jacket from Back to the Future Part 2." "Auto-dry on." "I wonder if you can say "shite" on American TV." "Can they beep?" "Can we get approval for "shite"?" "Andrew, do you know if we can say "shite" instead of shit?" "Like we say" ""Shit" you can say anyway." "It's at 12:30, so you can say a lot." "I'm gonna say a lot then." "I'm gonna do a Chattanooga to that one." "Please, everybody, welcome Sean Patton." "Get the fuck off my stage!" "That was far too aggressive." "By a round of applause, how many people here have never been tested for an STD?" "Caught themselves, before they realized-- oh, Jesus!" "That's" "Yeah, get tested, you monster." "I hope you were slap-- I hope you were going" "I hope that's what you were doing." "How many minutes of green room stuff do you think makes it into an actual episode?" "Two." "About half the show is... this." "How-- give me the equation from the black tone of your sleeve... versus the rest of your jacket." "All right, thank you." "I was waiting foryou specifically to say something." "Would the sleeve-- would the sleeve shine be the green room part?" "And then the other shine be the amount of save shine?" "Does it feel like I look like secure in this jacket?" "No, it does not." "Does it feel like I'm really wearing it?" "No, you're the most insecure I've ever seen." "Then why the fuck bring it up?" "That's why I don't make fun of you." "Why the fuck bring it up?" "All these fucking people are making fun of my jacket." "It looks good." "I think it looks good." "Thanks!" "Be louder!" "You're welcome." "It's not that it doesn't look good." "It's just that" "To answer your question, this is backstage, this is onstage." "There was an answer." "I mean, it was a legit question." "I was tested a year ago, okay?" "I did something stupid." "I wasn't nervous until I got there, because I'm not a sexually deviant person." "Like, I get laid more..." "or less than you think." "But hey, I'll paint the picture for you." "If there were a bar, and every woman I had ever slept with were in that bar... and you walked in there, your reaction would be..." ""Oh, there's people here."" "The nurse, she's just lacing into me right away and she said..." ""Why you come in here?" "You look wholesome to me."" "And maybe that's what she meant... but I still read too far into it and was like..." ""You think I can't get an STD?"" ""You think I'm not sexually irresponsible enough, woman?"" ""I'm a Scorpio, you don't know me."" "I didn't say any of that, I just told her the truth, I said..." ""Ma'am, I'm here because I've had unprotected sex twice."" "And without missing a beat, she goes," ""Twice?" "Who you think you is, Robocop?"" "You could argue that maybe she was trying to imply that I thought I was invincible... and using Robocop as an example." "Maybe, but that'd be too easy." "I think that they made a fourth Robocop in Jamaica." "And we haven't seen it yet, where Robocop becomes aware that he still has a human penis." "And is now all about-- "Me, Robocop, me come to smash all the puss."" ""Robocop horny all the damn time!"" ""Oh, bend over, pretty lady, me so horny, me sort of sound Irish."" "B-b-b-b-b-b-b..." ""Simmer down, lord have mercy!"" ""Oh, thank you for that, me must rub on it."" "And just for the record, by the way, my results... clean." "Clean as Detroit City after Robocop cleaned up all the scum." "Kumail, backstage... can't stop asking people if they like his jacket." "I'm not" "I'm not asking them!" "People are just making fun of me for it." "No one's making fun of you." "I don't-- okay, I don't want to talk about the jacket." "I would take it off, but for continuity, I have to leave this fucking jacket on." "I would love to just not-- and then" "Ooh!" "Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow." "Et tu,Claire?" "Can I see that?" "What are you gonna do?" "Take it." "D-- whoa, that's good material." "It's real heavy." "Are you guys" "Are you guys ready for more show?" "Of course, you are!" "Emily, thank you." "You said, "You're my husband, you can pull off this jacket."" "It's been brought up 35 times." "[EMILY] That's 'cause people are jealous." "They don't look jealous!" "Those aren't jealous expressions!" "Kumail-- They're laughing..." "They seem happy to notice it." "They're like, "Well, now we have something to mock."" "I love it, Kumail is the most confidant guy I know... and this is the least confidant I've ever seen him." "Adam Pally said this is a jacket he would wear... if he was gonna drive straight off a cliff." "I would get like so horrifyingly angry at my sister... having any kind of boy attention whatsoever" "Was she older or younger?" "Older, three years older." "And so I really wanted it, but wasn't getting it... and so I used to like sabotage her dates." "When she met a guy at the beach once, I pushed her in the water." "Oh, my god." "And sometimes I'd be like, "I'm just worried about you."" "You were like a horny nightmare.." "the horniest nightmare." "Hi, everyone, I'm Claudia O'Doherty." "I like chilling out, relaxing, and taking a load off." "Nothing makes me happier than having a good, old sit down." "And nothing makes me sadder than an enthusiastic, new... small business that's using all the wrong fonts... and you know is doomed to fail." "But that's by the by." "I'm a stand-up comedienne, technically." "But recently, I've diversified my horizons and I'm thrilled... to tell you about a really exciting, new partnership I've just made." "Don't worry, ladies, I'm not talking about your husbands." "Um... no, tonight, I'm in bed with... the National Chair Association." "They're paying me $100 to talk about chairs." "Eh, I've lost them, cut the lights, please." "Please turn off the lights, turn off the lights." "Oh, my god!" "Did somebody cut the power?" "Yes!" "I have, because I'm mad and I have a gun!" "Get on the floor!" "Empty your pockets!" "Your left pocket is full of what you thought you knew about chairs!" "Your right pocket is full of all of the hang-ups... you've accumulated over your entire life." "I'm putting all that stuff in the furnace." "Agh!" "Agh!" "Agh!" "That's what a furnace sounds like!" "You can turn the lights on again now." "Hey." "This jacket's tearing the show apart." "Uh-oh, someone's looking pretty cool right now." "It's me, because I'm sitting on this chair this way." "Get this, everyone..." "I'm not actually wearing sunglasses at the moment." "It's just that I look so cool sitting on this chair this way." "Watch as I raise my torso from the chair, they will disappear." "Chairs... ooh!" "Yeah, yeah, yeah... yeah." "Chairs are great." "Ooh!" "Now I can feel you guys coming round to my way of thinking." "Oh, my god, it feels good." "Feels like I'm being spooned by..." "Victor Reilly, President of the National Chair Association." "But don't you know, not everyone has always loved a chair." "No, John Wayne..." "Gacy." "The killer, not the cowboy." "OJ Simpson, and all of the Nazis, from classical through to neo." "They all preferred to stand, and hey, I don't want to ruffle any feathers here tonight... but personally, I think all of those guys... can fuck right off." "Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry." "They love the jacket!" "Tweet out your favorite pictures of Kumail's jacket using #kumailsdumbjacket." "No, it's just-- Please, America, we have to get- we're gonna-- we're gonna-- No, seriously... #kumailsjacket." "#kumailsdumbjacket." "It's gonna be-- we're gonna go viral!" "We're not gonna-- we can't" "We have to pick one hashtag, it's gonna be #kumailsjacket." "#kumailsdumbjacket!" "And we're gonna trend." "We're gonna go up into the stratosphere with this thing... and we thank you so much." "Every time you use the #kumailsdumbjacket..." "Kumail's gonna give one of these jackets to some other idiot." "Claudia, let's get loose." "Everyone get loose." "Oh, yeah-- I'm sorry, you guys..." "I should have gone somewhere for this." "No, no, this is good." "This is real comedy." "This is what happens backstage." "I threw myself a 40th birthday party in Palm Springs." "That's where you go when you're old and still like to get drunk as shit." "It's all silver-haired foxes, men and women that get fucked up... and gays of all stripes, so it's great for partying." "And one day, I decided to dance out towards the pool... like that feeling of, "Nothing bad will ever happen to me or anyone I love."" "And I slipped and went parallel with the ground... and just pow, like a whale that stood up and was like, "Oh, fuck, I'm a whale."" "Pow, right?" "Full on Sea World-ed... just Shamu-ed, just Free Willy meets Randle Macho Man Savage." "Pow!" "And thank god I didn't hurt myself, because I landed on my side." "And all my friends are comedians." "Everybody there was a comedian." "I would never live it down... if I broke my fucking hip on my 40th birthday." "Are you kidding me?" "It's intrusive, you know." "I don't like being intrusive, I feel like the most intrusive thing I could think of... is the pilot's voice on a plane." "Like, headphones on or off, his voice will just barge in on whatever you're doing." "And it's always the same." ""As your pilot, just want to check in with everybody." ""See how everyone's doing." ""I just want to say-- so, uh-- (INDISTINCT)"" "Like it's always the same!" "Always the same!" "Like you sound like a moustache that can somehow talk by itself." "You sound like an old cup of coffee that's part hungover dad, half old cup of coffee." "Like you've never heard a pilot like, "Hey, guys, it's me, your pilot, Randy." ""It's gonna be a great flight, you guys." "Whoo!" ""Yeah, I'm so excited!"" "Uh, anybody else, on Sundays, go to Costco hungover just for the free samples?" "Just me?" "That is the best ever." "But Costco, because they pay a membership... it is shameless how people just stand like four deep... staring at the guy, like as he's cooking a ravioli, just sta" "Like, no shame, just staring the whole time." "And this poor guy's like, "You guys live around here or somethin'?"" "Everyone's just like, "Shut the fuck up and cook the ravioli!"" ""Shut up!" "Don't look at me!" "You're not a real person."" "Just constantly, people have just been bringing up this jacket." "Yeah, it's a piece-- it's a" "Are we finally talking about the jacket?" "Thank you." "No, it's cool." "When do you start production of Wild Hogs 2?" "One time my dad got me this jacket from Uzbekistan." "He's a photographer." "He went to Uzbekistan." "Is this like a jacket from Uzbekistan?" "No, no, no, no." "He got this jacket, it was all fur." "I go into UCB the first with it, I was like so happy with this jacket." "Zach Woods goes, "Hey, Carmela Soprano!"" "Everyone laughed at me, I couldn't wear it ever again." "Guys, good luck." "Thank you very much." "It was nice meeting you." "Adam, appreciate it." "Let's do it!" "Yes!" "We thought we'd just do something nice for you guys." "Yes, and so we took a little tip from our favorite guy..." "Mr. Oprah Winfrey." "Yeah." "And we are going to give each and every single one of you... a free hamburger!" "Let's bring 'em out!" "Everybody take a burger." "Take a burger." "When we say ham, you say burgers!" "Ham!" "Ham!" "Burgers!" "Burgers!" "Okay, we only need to do it twice!" "Let's keep passing it around." "Everybody gets a burger!" "I don't want to see any nods like no, nods like yes!" "Gil, I don't know if you're feeling this, but this feels a little weird... 'cause like some people are eating the burgers... then I'm getting a lot of people who are like not eating the burger." "Now a lot of people are like, "I uh-- eh-- eh-- do?"" "It's so disrespectful..." "It is!" "for you not to eat a burger I have given you." "You are not walking out of here without eating a fucking burger today." "I feel like" " I feel like a lot of you right now are like..." ""Well, this can't be it, there's a bit that's gonna happen."" "There is nothing else!" "This is it, guys!" "You are eating-- a fucking burger today!" "You better eat that burger." "Goddamn it, I want one of them burgers so bad." "You know what?" "I will say, "Good for fucking you."" "Everyone give a round of applause for this guy." "Come here!" "Come here!" "Stand up!" "Stand up!" "No, stand up!" "What's your name?" "Evan." "Okay, Evan-- Now are you an original member of Incubus?" "We have to say something to you, because you have been eating your burger." "Anybody that ate their burger, we want you to know this message." "You're a fucking pig." "Disgusting." "You're a fucking pig." "You're fucking gross." "You're sick." "You fucking think you're better than everyone that didn't take a burger?" "You're fucking sick!" "You fucking grab loose meat from two strangers?" "You're eating" "You're fucking eating loose meat on television!" "Sit the fuck down!" "What the fuck!" "Jesus Christ!" "Jesus Christ!" "If you're eating a burger, you're disgusting." "And then, if you're not eating a burger, you're also fucking disgusting." "You know what, Pally?" "You know what?" "Do me a favor, spit in my face." "Now I didn't want to do that." "He didn'twantto do that!" "I didn't want to do that." "I didn't want to do that." "But we needed a way to show you... what you guys are being like right now." "I know it seemed like I did it without hesitation... but I was like, "I don't want to do--"" "Can I have that burger, sir?" "Show everybody how to eat." "I think-- yeah." "This is how you eat a burger." "We are going to show you how to properly not eat and eat a fucking burger..." "It's not that hard." "at the same time." "Go." "Dude, stop it!" "No, you're gonna eat the fucking burger!" "I can't eat a burger." "No, you're gonna eat the fucking burger." "I can't eat the burger." "Eat the goddamn burger!" "I don't want-- dude, get away from me!" "I don't want to eat the fucking burger, man!" "Eat the fucking burger!" "You eat this fucking burger!" "Huh?" "Come on, you little fucking Israeli!" "I'll fucking kill you right here!" "What you have just witnessed is a live viral presentation." "We are employees of the restaurant Wal-burgers." "Which airs every 7:30 AM, for a six-hour block on A amp;" "E." "Please watch it, goodnight, everybody." "Goodnight." "You know how sometimes you are at a comedy show... and then that happens..." "You guys are fucking psychopaths." "I love it." "Season Two." "Thank you, everybody!" "Get home safe, goodnight!" "Goodnight!" "Thanks for coming to the Meltdown!" "Also, buy stuff from the store on your way out, please!" "[JONAH] Support Meltdown Comics." "I feel a little self-conscious in it." "Don't even-- don't even-- what?" "Self-concious of what, you mean your flesh?" "It looks pretty goddamn good." "Like, you look official." "Like, I've never thought you were successful until you put this on." "That's a cool jacket." "Oh, thanks."