"Beat you, Pus-face." "Got here first!" "No, I promise I won't tell them." "Jonny's hungover." "Run over?" "Hungover." "Oh, your mum'll love that!" "Just T-shirt and knickers today, Dad?" "Yes." "Merry Christmas, bambino." "And that's your Christmas outfit?" "My bottom was hot." "Right." "Yeah, it was really over-heating." "Hi, Bobble." "Happy Crimbo!" "Hi, Mum." "House looks nice." "Oh, thanks, they're gorgeous." "Martin, has your bottom cooled down yet?" "Not yet." "Well, why don't you stick it in the freezer?" "!" "Vase." "Where's Jonny?" "Yeah, you'd have thought he'd get here first, since he's technically drink driving." "What?" "He's hungover." "Hungover?" "!" "Apparently, Jonny's hungover." "Is there an echo in here?" "Why's he always hungover on Christmas Day?" "He knows the family are coming." "So selfish." "Happy Christmas." "Here he is." "Happy Christmas, Pissface!" "I'm really not happy." "Jackie?" "What?" "It's almost room temperature." "Great." "Hi." "Merry Christmas, bambino." "Feeling fresh?" "Get off!" "So you got drunk last night, did you?" "You said you wouldn't tell." "I make all this effort for Christmas and you're just going to be moping around like Mr Misery face, feeling crap." "I don't feel crap." "Immediately proved wrong." "Excuse me, can I get a drink of water?" "All right, I'll get it." "I'm not going to do anything." "What?" "Yeah." "Hot bum." "Here." "Thanks." "Argh!" "You bastard." "Hair of the dog." "Adam!" "This is vodka." "How did you...?" "A skill Magill!" "The drains smell of faeces again." "Lovely, Martin." "It's Christmas Day!" "Here we are." "Oi." "So who's coming today?" "You know who's coming" " Grandma." "Cool." "And Horrible Grandma." "Oh, Horrible Grandma." "I thought she was ill." "Hm, she got better." "Who's better?" "Your mother." "Yeah, I know." "Horrible Grandma." "Horrible Grandma's coming?" "Yes." "Oh, when will she die?" "Jonny, that's a terrible thing to say." "Is it?" "No, not really." "Martin, when will your mother die?" "In about an hour, hopefully." "She's not bringing her dead dog, is she?" "Unfortunately, yes." "How is that thing still alive?" "It must be like 900 by now." "It's got cobwebs in its arse." "Nearly done." "And your mother better not go on about my horrible dry turkey again." "What?" "No, I'm sure she won't." "Well, she does it every Christmas." "What's wrong with my turkey?" "It's lovely." "I know, Jackie." "It's delicious." "Boys, my turkey's not horrible and dry, is it?" "No, not at all." "Not one bit." "Good." "Well, she better keep her mouth shut, then." "It is dry though, isn't it?" "Oh, my God, it's dry." "So dry!" "Oh, and er, bring the jug through, will you?" "I'll be right through, love." "Oh, boys, could you help me a moment?" "What is it?" "Garage, surprise." "What?" "You've got Rudolph in there?" "Yes." "Rudolf Hess!" "No need to wear any trousers." "Adam, can you come here?" "OK." "Da-da!" "Wow, it's lovely, Mum." "Ah, do you think so?" "And there's holly and glitter." "Yeah, yeah, it's great..." "What?" "Nothing." "Come on, what?" "Well, I know I say it every year, but don't you think it's a bit weird that we do all this Christmassy stuff?" "No." "Why's it weird?" "Er, maybe because we're Jewish." "Don't be silly." "It's a tradition." "A Christian tradition." "It's not a Christian tradition, it's a tradition-tradition." "A tradition-tradition that celebrates the birth of Christ." "No, it doesn't." "Er, it does." "Well, yes, OK, it does, but Christmas is just, you know, fun." "Fun?" "Yeah, family." "Fun or family?" "They're quite different." "Oh, just put the crackers out." " The Jewish crackers or the Christian crackers?" " Shut up!" "Surprise!" "I'm sorry, you're not bringing that thing into my house?" "What?" "Why not?" "Martin, we've never had a tree before." "Never." "Yeah, well, now we have." "Please, I will be sick." "But it was half price." "The man with the van was practically giving them away." "I don't care about the man with the van." "It, it's not right." "Not right?" "But we do the turkey, we do the crackers." "Stop it, Adam." "That's different." "This is just... wrong." "Because?" "Because we're..." "Jewish." "Heave." " Jesus!" " Heave." "Argh." "Heave." " Please stop saying that word." " Heave." "Heave!" "Done." "Done?" "Done." "That's it, then, is it?" "What do you mean?" "That's our Christmas tree?" "What do you think it is?" "A cement mixer?" "Aren't you meant to decorate it?" "What?" "No, it's fine." "It's fine." "Yes, it's fine, if you just want a tree inside your house!" "Well, what are we meant to decorate it with, dummkopf?" "Er, how about some baubles?" "Where am I going to get bleeding baubles from, you pillock?" "All right." "You're the one that bought a Christmas tree." "Correction, "a tree"." "Yeah, "a tree"." "I hate it." "You haven't even looked at it." "I'm looking at it right now and I hate it." "How can you hate a tree?" "That's like saying, "I hate air"." "Martin, it's horrible." "Get rid of it." "Are you mad?" "I just hate it, and you know who'll hate it the most." " Who?" " Your mother." "Horrible grandma." "Oh, yeah, she'll hate it." " Yeah, well, my mother hates everything." " True." " She hates the boys." " Also true." "You'll have to say it's a Hanukkah bush." "I'm not saying it's a Hanukkah bush." "I'm not." "What's wrong with it?" "You all right, Grandma?" "Oh, yes, dolly." "Careful of Boadicea." "Careful." "Er, it's wearing a nappy?" "It bit me." "She doesn't like you." "Take my bag." "Torture equipment." "And you, take that." "Body parts." "But don't drop it." "Hello, Cynthia." "Give her some air, give her some air." "Nice drive?" "She said my hair was slutty." "Dirty mirror." "Where's my boy?" "Hello, Mum." "Well, don't you give your mother a kiss?" "Er, sorry." "You're fatter." "Yes, well, er, I've been eating the furniture!" "Martin, no-one likes a smart arse." "OK." "Right, shall we?" "Doesn't the house look nice?" "All this fuss for a Christian holiday." "We're supposed to be Jewish." "Um, what shall I do with this?" "Give it to her." "Um." "What is it?" "Are you still doing your turkey this year?" "Um, yes." "Well, I shall be eating that, then." "Martin." "Surely, she wouldn't." "Martin, in there is turkey, all right?" "She's brought her own turkey." "Wow." "Yes, wow." "You don't want me to say anything, do you?" "Why?" "You're not scared of your own mother, are you?" "Yes." "Excellent!" "No, it's OK, don't do anything." "I just..." "I just can't believe her." "Is my turkey really that horrible and dry?" "Oh, not on Christmas Day." "Your poor mum." "Ah, so moist." "So moist." "Lovely moist turkey." "♪ Away in a manger No crib for a bed" "♪ The little Lord Jesus... ♪" "Yes, Jim, er, sorry, er, we don't really do carols." "Carols, no." "Because we're, you know, Jewish." "Carols." "Just about to have your Christmas lunch, are you?" "Oh, yes." "With anyone in particular?" "Some friends." "Some friends?" "Yes, um..." "Nigel..." "Nigelson and..." "Hello, Jim." "Oh, someone's been having an early tipple." "That, that'll be Wilson." "Just a couple of brandies." "No, I wanted to give you all er... a little something for the festivities." "Oh, thank you, Jim, you didn't need to." "Aw!" ""From Jim and Wilson, your best friends"." ""Best friends"." "And..." "What is it?" "It's er, £30." "£30?" "Yes, £30." "Jim, really, that was..." "Strange." "Unnecessary." "Well, you see, Wilson has sort of been doing his business in one of your drains recently." " Has he?" " Faeces." "And the man said it would probably cost about £30 to unblock it all, so..." "Right." "£30." "£30." "♪ Deck the halls with boughs of holly... ♪" "Thanks, Jim." "♪ .." "Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la... ♪" "Wilson." "It's clever, isn't it?" "It works off a standard nine-volt alkaline battery." "Yeah, thanks, Mum and Dad." "I might turn it off just for now." " Really?" " Oh!" "Oh, really?" "Battery." "But um, great presents, everyone." "Yeah, thanks." "Apart from Horrible Grandma, who gave us nothing." "As usual." "Can you pass me that bag?" "Here you go, Horrible Grandma." "Oh, presents?" "Oh, not presents." "Mum, I didn't know your asthma had got that bad?" "Here, my darling." "Um, why is she putting..." "Lungs." "Rotted away, they have." "That's why her breath always smells of egg." "You want to do your business, don't you?" "I'll put her in the garden for a bit." "OK." "Let's get your panties off." "Here." "Go on." "Go on." "It's only a pee pee." "Martin, bring her." "Make sure the crows don't get to her." "Who?" "The dog or your mother?" "!" "Here, put this on." "Argh!" "Look, dog pissface." "Stop it." "You're revolting." "Oh, nearly forgot." "Jonnyboo, one more." "More?" "Um." "Well, try it on." "Well?" "It's really fashionable." "Ignore him." "Go and look in the mirror." "Crisp?" "Prannies!" "Horrible jumper." "Thank you." "Oh, you look so handsome in that." "What is it?" "A cow?" "It's not a cow." "It's a dragon." "A dragon?" "Yes." "You always said you liked dragons." "Really?" "When?" "Always." "You've always loved dragons." "Have I?" "Maybe when I was four." "Oh, what?" "So you don't like dragons any more?" "Well, I don't like them and I don't not like them." "They're dragons." "Does he like it?" "It's fine, Martin." "What is it?" "A cow?" " A dragon." " A dragon." "Fantastic." "Well, obviously, you hate your presents." "Jackie..." "Why did you have to..." "What?" "All I said was, "I don't like dragons"." "Yeah, well, maybe it was the way you said it." "In what way am I supposed to say "I don't like dragons"?" "No, Jonathan." "You used to love dragons." "Jesus." "It's Christmas." "It's your Christmas jumper." "Take it." "Sorry, Mum." "I do still love dragons." "See." "Oh, good boy." "Yes, good boy." "Get off." "Now, can we all just have a nice Christmas?" "Hanukkah." "Hanukkah." "Right, liquid refreshment, anyone?" "Oh, yes, please, sherry." "Mum, drink?" "I'll have a sherry too, but from my bottle." "Of course." "Oh, I nearly forgot." "What?" "What?" "Pus-face." "What is it?" "It's from me." "I thought we weren't getting each other presents this year." "Yeah, I know but I just thought you'd really like it." "Oh, thanks, Jonny." "Isn't that nice, Mum?" "Lovely." "By the way, I made it myself." "You made it?" "You made it?" "Ah, Martin, he made it." "What is it?" "Well, open it." "Argh!" "You tit!" "Yeah, I made it last night." "I must give you the recipe." "Jonny!" "Jacqueline, you gave birth to pigs." "Thank you." "Look at the mess you've made." "It's not funny." "It is very funny!" "What am I going to do with all this shit all over me?" "Yeah, wait..." "What is it?" " Spaghetti." " Bolognese?" "Yup." "Ay Carumba." "Dad!" "Oh." "What?" "!" "What's that noise?" "Is that Boadicea?" "No, it's just Wilson." "Wilson?" "Oh, yeah, there's Boadicea." "Well, is she all right?" "Yeah." "Don't worry." "Wilson's looking after her... from behind." "It's OK, Boadicea, it's OK." "I really am so sorry, Jackie." "You should be ashamed of yourself." "Yes, well..." "I didn't know Wilson had it in him." "Boadicea did." "Also, he had been drinking, so..." "Martin, show Jim out, would you?" "Come on, Jim." "Well..." "Bye, all." "Bye." "Thanks for raping Grandma's dog." "On Christmas Day." "Sweet man." "Awful man." "Nice?" "Yeah, lovely bit of squirrel." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Very nice, Jackie." "Oh, Jon-Jon, could I have some more water, please?" "Me too." "And me." "Here." "Thanks." "You really won't try any of my turkey, Cynthia?" "No, thank you, I'm happy with mine." "It's nice and moist." "Well, Jackie, we love your turkey." "Don't we?" "Yeah." "I can't breathe." "I can't breathe!" "Oh, my god!" "Turkey's stuck." "Turkey!" "Do something, Martin!" "It's OK, Adam." "So dry!" "Right!" "Come here!" "Bloody hell!" "Martin!" "That's it!" "That's it!" "Careful!" "It's OK, Bobble!" "Oh, my God!" "I know what to do." "Here, breathe!" "Christ!" "Keep breathing, Bobble." "Give it back!" "Do you want to kill her?" "Yes, please!" "Never mind the stupid dog!" "What?" "Breathe in." "Breathe in all that lovely dog slobber!" "Argh!" "Classic, classic!" "Oh, God!" "Oh, and, er... here's your mother's extra-moist turkey." "Boys." "Mmm!" "Mmm!" "Oh, so good!" "Boys, I think you'd better..." "Right, lovely!" "Thank you." "Thanks a lot." "But Jackie, we were only, um... testing it." "Yeah." "Just testing it." "You'd better go inside." "What?" "Why?" "I think there's going to be a fight." "And if you'd spent a bit more time worrying about your grandchildren rather than that crappy old fleabag of yours..." "All you care about is that prostitute hairdo of yours." "Prostitute?" "Prostitute?" "You heard me!" " Mum." " Mummy!" " Let go!" " I will not." " Right!" " Whoa!" "Let go!" "Martin, do something!" "Ladies!" "R-r-right." "Ah!" "Ah!" "Ah!" "Ah!" "Argh!" "There." "Here." "You all right now?" "I'm OK, Jackie." "Sorry, Nellie." "It's OK, Martin." "Here, Cynthia." "Are you OK?" "Cynthia?" "Round two." "Come on, Cynthia, it's Christmas." "You all right, Grandma?" "Yeah, Grandma?" "Mum, I've said I'm sorry." "It's all right, Martin." "Leave her." "Mum, cheer up, please." "Maybe just leave her." "Wait." "I know what to do." "What?" "What?" "Mum!" "No!" "Martin!" "Tickle time!" "No-o-o-o!" "Wu-hu-hu-hu-hu-hey-hey!" "Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Bloody tree!" "Hanukkah bush." "Um..." "Grandma?" "I think your dog's just died." "Oh!" "Good Christmas?" "Wonderful." "Oh, well." "She did have a good life, I suppose." "Not really." "Her lungs were riddled with holes, and she had an ulcerated colon." "Still..." "Ow!" "Shit on it!" "Shit on it!" "What happened?" "The bleeding thing's still alive!" "It's all right, my darling!" "It's all right!" "Jackie, can I have another sherry?" "In a minute, Mum!" "Hello, all!" "Who's that?" "It's just... the back door was open." "You're dressed as..." "Jesus!" "No, Father Christmas." "Is that the same man from before?" " Different." " Different." "Yes, I'm a... different man." "Good." "Do you do that every year?" "No, it's more a..." "It's a disguise." "No, I just thought I'd bring you all a little peace offering because of the whole, you know, dog incident." "Right." "Orange squash." "You just add water." "So, are you, um..." "Are you all on your own today?" "Oh!" "Oh... got Wilson back at the house, so..." "It's Christmas Day." "Christmas Day..." "Do you fancy a mince pie?" "Oh, Jackie..." "A mince pie with you... and... and the others!" "How exciting!" "Here." "Thank you." "I'm still a different man." "Mmm." "Mmm." "Um, Jim... you know I said we don't really do carols?" "Because you're all of the Jewish persuasion?" "Er, that's right." "Well, I was wondering how you feel about... maybe singing us one?" "Singing you a carol?" "A Christmas carol?" "Well, I suppose I could perhaps try this one." "♪ Silent night" "♪ Holy night" "♪ All is calm" "♪ All is bright" "♪ Round yon virgin mother and child" "♪ Holy infant so tender and mild" "♪ Sleep in heavenly peace" "♪ Sleep in heavenly peace. ♪" "Beautiful." "Beautiful." "Really beautiful." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Thanks, Jim." "Grandma?" "Yes?" "Your dog's died again."