"Previously on Bunheads..." "I think I forgot to finish high school." "I'm a dropout." "Not even a dropout... dropping out implies action." "I just... didn't finish." "My dad and Faye Mendelson set the wedding location." " Fun." " It's the same place he married my mom." "No way." "The day I lost my husband was the worst day of my life." "Of course I lost him to the divorcee in the jeggings across the street." " So what's up with Charlie?" " What do you mean?" "What did he do to make her dump him?" "Nothing." "He was totally smitten." "Here's to being dumb." "I have a masters in oceanography." "So they let high school dropouts get PHDs?" "I didn't say I was a high school dropout." "I'm guessing that you and me tonight, we're not..." "No." "Not tonight." "What did you say to him?" "Maybe you can un-say it." " In a better outfit." " Did he say something bad to you?" "Saw your moves." "Bartender, the girl." "I think you might dig it." "Five, six, seven, eight." "Stop." "Everyone, just stop." "You just killed Baryshnikov." "Well, would you mind showing us the combination again, Jordan?" "Oh, sure." "What have I got but loads of time and sincere enthusiasm to show you the same freaking thing over and over again?" "Move." "Do that." "They kill Baryshnikov again?" "Yep." "I just need to do something on the computer here." "I'll be super quick." "Quiet as a mouse." "From now on, Jordan, sir." "Let's try it again, everyone." "Five, six, seven, eight." "Sharper, Ray-Ray." "Cleaner, Ginny." "Cleaner." "Be smaller, Boo." " Smaller?" " Don't talk back." "Matisse, stop." "Stop!" "Focus, okay." "Without focus, your life is gonna be jumping from alcoholic boyfriend to another." "Is that what you want?" "I don't think so." "Hey, Jordan, let's take five here." "They look like they need a break." "When don't they?" "Take five." "Jordan, your group is wilting here." "And the kids in the corner, what's up with them?" "They wanted to stretch before class." "I mean, come on." ""Be smaller."" "What a jerk." "I hate him so much." "Me too." "But I'm also in love with him." "Me too." " But not anymore." " Same here." "He's so insane today." "He hasn't even noticed" " that Melanie isn't here." " Why isn't she here?" "He's looking." " They're being babied around." " Absolutely not." "You're not challenging them enough." "You can see it in their dancing, their barre work, their legs," " their posture." " Jordan." "Everything they do, it's not correct." "We're talking a break." "We're not doing anything wrong." "Bastard's gotten into my head." "Sasha's AWOL too, by the way." "Well, I know where she is." "Apartment hunting, and she found one." " Really?" " In that building her aunt owns." " She moves in next week." " Who's she living with?" "No one." "It's just her." "Her own apartment?" "I used to dream about getting married to Jordan and living in our own apartment." "Kissing him on the cheek when he comes home, and making dinner for him every night." " But not anymore." " Same here." "He's been a jerk forever, Matisse." "Are you just catching up?" "Boo, that's your phone." " Let's not get into my background." " None of them are me." "They don't want to be you." "Who wouldn't want to be me?" "Mom, hey, I'm at class so make it quick." "The TV fell over?" "Did it fall on anyone?" "How can you not be sure?" "Better not let him see you." "I know you can do that." "I know you can do it." "I know you can do it." "I know you can do it." "Please stop doing that!" "So just Lonnie is missing?" "Well, do you see any parts of Lonnie sticking out from under the TV?" "Yeah, I'll wait." "Uh, Boo?" "So he's there." "Good." "Good." "This is good." "Boo." "Were you talking on your phone?" "No." "Wait, what is that?" "Is that screaming?" "It's Grant and Dominik." "They're locked in the dressing room." " Why?" " They know why." "I'll be right back." "Gather around." "Next step." "Do that." "Bunheads 1x14" " The Astronaut and the Ballerina Original air date January 28, 2013" "Go!" "Pick up your feet." "Go go go go." "Bend those knees." "It's not ballet class, come on!" "Let's go." "Keep the line in the middle." "I don't want us straggling in the front." "Keep it going." "Go go go!" "All right, pick up your feet." "Come on, low." "Derby stance." "Nice feet, Lolita." "Come on." "All right." "You've been watching for two days, you want to give it a shot?" "Sure." " You're late." " So is everyone else." "They called." "You didn't." "I was at ballet." "Michelle kept us over." "Then I'll complain to Michelle." "She didn't do anything wrong, so don't call her." "Here." "Something to entertain you until they come." " Dad..." " Don't say it's too early." "I totally is." "I'm barely into my junior year." "We know people who planned their kids' college" " at kindergarten." " That's a sickness." "You're supposed to leave your keys." "I parked my own car." "After running it through the valet area." "Is that why all those Chinese guys were staring at me?" " Hey, Claire." " Hi, guys." " Hey, Ginny." " Hi, Mr. Segal." "Where's Alice?" "She's down for the count." "She's got this awful cold." "Mom has a cold?" "Can I get you something to drink, Claire?" "I'd love a drink." "Can you do a gay marine?" "You just muddle some mint leaves and some lime with cane sugar and orange liqueur and then you add some ice and some rum and you top it all with apple juice." "It's a Chinese restaurant, mom." "They don't do gay marines." "White wine is okay, I guess." "I'll have whatever you have on tap." "White wine is actually great." "You're in a chipper mood, Claire." "I am." "Because..." "I am not gonna let it get me down." "Let what get you down?" "Here we go." "Hello, Ginny's father is marrying Faye Mendelson in less than a week." "Yeah, we're going." "You are?" "If that's okay?" "Oh, of course it is." "I want you to go, Dougie, really I do." "So how's the real-estate business treating you these days, Claire?" " I hear it's, you know..." " Have you seen..." "That insane wedding blog that they have?" " No, not me." " Yes, I have." "Many times." "Faye Mendelson is chronicling their whole stupid life on this blog with photographs and diary entries." "Gil is surfing now and the man is 45." "He's starting to surf." "He likes it, mom." "And all those photos of Faye cuddling her dog like that, it's just bestial." "Call the SPCA." "What's so funny?" "Nothing." "I guess." "Mom." "You're being busted by the valet police." "Bring 'em on." "Come on, Claire." "Let's go give them your keys before this becomes an international incident." "All right." "You're really going to the wedding, Dougie?" "I mean, I know you knew him first, but he's changed so much." " Wow." " She's on that blog night and day commenting anonymously." "The website blocks dirty words, or there would be some saucy things written about those dogs." "Believe me." "Oh, check this out." "What is that?" "A box?" "That's my bridesmaid dress." " This has got to be a mistake." " It's not." "It's a giant rectangle, why?" "Because every time I go to my dad and Faye's place," "Faye stares at my boobs." "She told my dad that they remind her of my mom's boobs and she doesn't want to be reminded of my mom's boobs at the wedding." "So she's forcing me to wear a dress shaped like a shower curtain." "Cruel and unusual." "I don't want to look at it anymore." "So where have you been?" "What do you mean?" "I mean where have you been?" "I never see you anymore." "I see you every day at school." "You're skipping ballet." "You don't answer my texts." "Dad's got me touring colleges." " Really?" " We just got back from driving around" "U.C. Santa Barbara." " Really?" " Yeah." "Okay, well at least answer my texts." "Some of them are even important." "I will." "I promise." "Here." "While you have a shot." "Good thinking." "Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she has to walk into mine." ""Casablanca."" "I know "Casablanca"." " Okay." " I've seen "Casablanca."" "I can spell Casablanca." "I've been to Casablanca." "I was just trying to be cute." "I thought "hey there" would be boring so I thought I'd throw in a... never mind." "Starting again." " Hey there." " Hey." " For me?" " Yep." " Guilt gift?" " Yep." "I like the wrapping paper." "It's my 2004 tax return." "Nice." ""Finding Nemo."" "See?" "It's the perfect thing for us 'cause you're an expert on the ocean, and I like talking fish." "Very nice." "Thank you." "Sorry for what I said." "No worries." "I talk, therefore I am." "Not always a bad thing." "Can I buy you a drink?" "Yes, you can." "Something with bourbon and an umbrella." "What are they celebrating?" "Tuesday." "My favorite holiday." " So guess what I did?" " Safer not to." "I went online and read your thesis." " You're kidding." " No." "I'm impressed." "Well, don't be." "I only understood about 1/10 of it." "Plankton." "I got that." "And your name." "And I think you mentioned orca and I did see that movie." "That's probably less than 1/10, right?" "Did I mention I didn't finish high school?" "Points for trying." "Guess that alcohol buzz is starting to wear off." "Yep." "Now they all get tired." "And the one on the diet eats every cold French fry she can find." "They'll probably leave soon." "And then you'll be all alone." "Might as well just close." "With the whole night ahead of you?" "How will you fill the time?" "And then I got into this whole thing with the lady I was understudying 'cause I started dating her husband." "They were separated... well, he said they were separated, but I should have known something was weird when he never let me come over to his house." "I had to go to the corner of Sixth and 53rd and get in line at this halal cart and I wasn't supposed to move till he showed up and dropped a note in my purse telling me which hotel to meet him at." "And since I didn't have a phone number for him, if he was late, I just ordered, and if he still didn't show I had to eat 'cause otherwise I'm weird." "Whatever." "The point is she finally found out, got mad and then never missed a show so I never got to go on." "Plus I smelled like garlic sauce the entire run." "That is not a true story." "Okay, fine, you're right." "It was a Mr. Softee truck." "Scotty?" "You have flower pots?" "Who gave you flower pots?" "What are you doing here?" "You kill flower pots." "The flowers and the pots." "You walk by and they fling themselves off windowsills." "I can't believe this." "Are you a lounge singer now?" "Long stories to have beer by." "Wow, I just..." "Oh, sorry." "This is my brother Scotty." "Scotty, this is Godot." "Well, hello, young man." "I'm so glad to see you." "Come in, come in." "Oh boy, I..." "It's okay." "Another night." "It's good to meet you." "You too." "Seriously?" "Even Mrs. Robinson's giving you a weird look right now." "I thought you were in Madison." "Well, a funny thing happened on the way to Madison." "So..." "Madison." "Right." "So I was on my way to Madison and I stopped at this diner and there was a hostess." "Not even a waitress?" "A hostess is a step up from a waitress." "No." "You're a waitress first and then a hostess." " It's a promotion." " Not at all." "Well, she was a redhead so one thing led to another." "Oh no." "You got married again?" " Never made it out of Tupelo." " Scotty!" " I know, I know." "How many marriages does this make?" " Four?" " You're asking me?" "No, four." "This makes four." "Oh my God." "But you know, she was different." " How?" " She spoke very little English." "Perfect." "But she had these eyes that were epic." "I felt if I could just stare in this woman's eyes for the rest of my life," "I would be a very happy man." "So what happened?" "Ooh, cake." "Well, the first month was great." "And then we started fighting, and then we got engaged, then we fought some more, and then I found out she wore colored contact lenses." "That's when I realized, big mistake." "What else was there to think?" "Next thing I know, it's the day of the wedding" "I'm standing at the altar in my rented tux and she's hurtling down the aisle like a giant crinoline comet, and I'm thinking to myself," ""I have got to get out of this."" " So you bolted." " Yeah." " When?" " Right after "YMCA."" "Well, you don't want to miss that." "So I wrote her a note, I grabbed you some cake, and I exited stage left." "Can I give you a piece of advice?" "Sure." "If you keep getting engaged to perfect strangers and then bailing on the wedding night, you have to buy a tux." "I keep marrying the wrong girl." "You keep marrying mom." "Well, that's not too disturbing of a statement." "Well, if the creepy psychological profile fits." "You mind if I crash here for a few days?" "Couch is all yours." "Thanks." "Well, so, this is the new pad." "It's not what I pictured at all." "No?" "What'd you picture?" "Something less decorated and without a roof." "You're hilarious." "How long do you plan to be here?" "Why, you gonna have your mail forwarded?" "Just asking." "How attached are you to your toothbrush?" "There's an extra one under the sink." "I don't know what problem you had with this girl, but boy, could she pick a cake." "I know." "I can't imagine what that must have felt like." "Hey, I grew up with him." "No one knows how flaky he is better than me." "Hey, what'd you do to the coffee guy?" "He hates your guts." "Yes, absolutely." "Send it all C.O.D." "Toss it in a box, tape it up and ship it off." "Throw some bricks in 'cause they charge by weight." "What are you doing?" "Getting your stuff." "Oh good." "Oh, I'd rip that letter up." "I mean, seriously, it's not even remotely heartfelt or poetic." "And it just makes him seem way smarter than he is, trust me." "Hey, get my purple sweater back." "Hold on a second, Mandy." " You have a purple sweater?" " It's a very nice purple." "Does Mandy know you're gay?" " Michelle." " It might make her feel better." "Just get the sweater." "Mandy, there's a purple sweater?" "Oh really?" "She says it's hers." "It is not hers." " I believe her." " Great." "Oh no no." "I'm here." "I'm here." "I'm not going anywhere, Mandy." "I'm not my brother." "I'm gonna check out the rest of the town." "What stores have you not alienated yet?" "No, how bad was the sex, Mandy?" " Oh, come on." " She hung up a minute ago." "Oh, thank God." " A purple sweater?" " It's more like lavender." "So not better." "All right, everyone." "Places at the barre." "Port de bras." "One." "Open, two." "And demi plie." "And stretch." "And demi plie." "I'm here." "Keep moving, boys." "Keep moving." "I'm so sorry." "So so sorry." "I am just gonna set them up here." "Over here, guys." "Oh, what's this?" "Beaver." "Beaver." "Beaver." "Beaver." "Beaver." "His name's Beaver?" "Beaver." "What did I say about ignoring me?" "You're not my mom." "Okay, but right now I am your mom." "Okay?" "Now come on." " His name's Beaver?" " Sorry, guys." "Hugely embarrassed." "So so sorry." "Where are the Legos?" " They're in the bag." " This isn't all of them." " I want to make a castle." " Well, make a condo." "That's fun too." "His name's Beaver?" "Yes, the kid's name is Beaver." " Deal." " Boo." "I'm sorry." "Carl was supposed to take them off my hands, but then he got held up at work and it was either skip ballet" " or bring them here." " Okay, this is a one time thing, right?" "A one time thing." "I promise." "And Carl will be here any minute to take them." "Alright, everyone." "Let's continue." "Demi pile." "And stretch." "And demi plie." "Chris, nose!" " What?" "What happened?" " I want that out of your nose right now, young man." "You do not know whose nose that's been in." "I'm sorry." "And demi plie." "And stretch." "And demi plie" "Ooh, purple." "Beaver your hand is down your pants again." "Nobody wants to see that." "Sorry." "I am so sorry if you guys saw that." "I am so, so sorry." "And demi plie." "And stretch." "I got them." "I got them, Michelle." "Okay, guys?" "Get in the car." "We're going back to the house." " Aw, I like it here." " So do I, but we're in the way." "So we're going to the car now." " No!" " Okay, guys." "Listen, if you get in my car," "I'll give you candy." "Stranger danger!" "He's not a stranger, Beaver." "He's your uncle Carl." "Now get in the car." "Come on." "Don't touch me." "Okay, people, let's get this class moving again." "Come on." "You heard the woman." "And demi plie." "And stretch." "And demi plie." "And stretch." "And grand pile." "And stretch." " Eat, mommy." " But I'm off Vicky." "I wanted Asian food." "Everything's getting cold." " And sticky." " Chris, stop playing with your spoon." "I'm still sticky." "What is this and how did it get all over me?" "It's what our lives are now, Carl." "We're sticky and we're tired." "Adjust." "Those two have kids?" "There's nothing else to do in this town." "Come on." "Greetings, señorita." " He's talking to me." " I guessed as much." "Hi there." "Nice T-shirt." "It's my Sunday best." "It's good to see you again, man." "You too." "Man." "We'll have... what do you think?" "Tequila shots?" "It's Christmas morning all over again." "He gets younger every time I see him." "He gets hotter every time I see him." "You disgust me with your carnal ways." "Okay, help me find wife number four." " Five." " Whatever." "How about blonde pixie-cut behind me?" " No." " Why?" " She's my manicurist." " So?" "So if something goes wrong, I'll have to find another manicurist." "Or a town with more than one manicurist." "Okay, back table, brunette with the bangs." " Nyet." " Why?" " She's with a guy." " I don't care." "She's the mother of one of my students." "Fine." "Red beret and leggings?" " Bible study teacher." " Moving on." "Ponytail by the planter?" "Bagel chip girl at the farmers' market." "Fat broad by the window?" "She works with Truly, and you can't sleep with Truly either." " Why not?" " 'Cause she's just weird." "Look, if you're gonna block all my action tonight," "I say you can't sleep with Junior over there." "He's the only bartender I know in town." "If something happens, I won't be able to get a drink." "Well, I'm not sleeping with him now," " so ha." " Good." "Why good?" "Well, he's not your type." "He seems kind of dumb." "He's not dumb." "I'll have you know he's an oceanographer." "You're kidding." "That's a thing?" "It's a thing." "Wow, okay." "To oceanography then." "Hear hear." "Ahh." "Mm." "You are now and will always be my favorite drinking buddy." "It's good to see you too." "Keep them coming, son." "Tonight, we settle all family business." "And we get to get really really drunk." "Hey, did we pay?" " Mmm." " I don't remember if we paid." "You can pay him tomorrow." "In kisses." "Sweet, gentle, little oceanography kisses." "I hate running out on a check when I didn't intend to." "What?" "My ukulele." "You found it." "Mm." "Oh." "It sounds the same." " Terrible." " Yeah." "The same." "Oh man." "This is the only good gift mom ever got me." "The only one I ever wanted." "Do you remember that ancient console record player we had when we were growing up?" "The needle was big and sharp like a nail." "And the speaker grills smelled like wood and cigarettes." "I remember you playing" "Judy Garland's "Life Is Just A Bowl Of Cherries"" "over and over and over..." " I love that song." " And over and over and over and over and over and over." "I wonder where that is." "Mom still has it." "She still has everything." "My ukulele." "Thank you for finding it." "You're welcome." "Now maybe you can help me find my life." "Mm, I'm gonna need a super big compass for that one." "Ah, what am I gonna do?" "Brush your teeth." "You haven't brushed your teeth." "I always thought when I grew up," "I'd be some kind of big shot." "A fat cat with a big cigar." "Yeah." "Bossing people around." "Do something where you wear a uniform." "You'd look really good in a uniform." "I would look good in a uniform." "It's not too late to be an astronaut." "Or a fireman." "Or a ballerina." "You were supposed to be a ballerina." "Mmm." "Astronaut, yeah." "I'll be an astronaut." "Nice." "And tomorrow we'll figure out what your life's supposed to be." "Ballerina." "Watch the pivot." "Stripy helmet girl?" "She's like your quarterback." "She calls the plays." " Are your pads scratchy?" " Very." "They'll loosen up the more you fall." " If I fall." " You're gonna fall." " Right." " So have fun." "Don't be mean." "No pushing, no elbows... this is a sport with rules." " Remember it." " Got it." "Remember the rules." "You're not wearing that necklace are you?" " Why?" " You like your head?" "Losing the necklace." "A couple of pointers," "Bam-Bam McGee." "Look at her wrong, you're going down." "I thought we weren't supposed to be mean." "Groan of Arc." "She'll give you some slack for a while, then she gets rough, aggressive." "Be ready." "Oh, a lot of names to remember." "And the twins out there, Scary Skate and Crashley Olsen, do not get between them." "They will squeeze you like a watermelon seed." "This is the time half the girls who sign up quit, FYI." "I'm not quitting." "I'm ready." "Good." "Are my skates on right?" "Only one way to find out." "Hold her." "She's right behind us." "Hold her." "Hold her." "Right here." "You okay, Mel?" "I'm fantastic." "Well, get back out there." "Where the hell have you been?" " Just out." "Why?" " Why?" "!" "This is not a time to go John Gotti on me, Melanie." "This is a time of emergency." " What's this?" " Guess." "The bridesmaid's dress." "It's a tank with wings and a rumpus room." "What's it doing here?" "It's the only place it's safe." "If my mother found it, she might Chablis-up and take a knife to it." "Then you wouldn't have to wear it." " Don't joke." " I wasn't joking." " I have to wear it." " I know." "Now listen." "Why aren't you answering your phone?" " Must be off?" " Flake City," " I won't have it!" " Okay, sorry." "You cannot have your phone off from now until the wedding." " It's crisis time, get it?" " Got it." "Faye Mendelson has gone into a total defensive posture." "She moved the photo shoot up a week to keep my mother off the scent." "Aren't you supposed to do the photo shoot the day of the wedding?" "When everyone's already there, yes." "But Faye's not taking chances." "Oh, she is going to great expense to make sure my mother doesn't show up." "And she's bringing a trampoline." "Why?" "I don't know." "You'll come with me to the photo shoot?" "Help with the dress, the makeup, maybe suicide assistance?" "Absolutely." "Hi, everyone." "Hey." " Hey." " Hey." "Hello?" "Mom?" "Okay, how do you know" "Faye Mendelson is getting a massage and left her dog in the car?" "Are you following her?" "What does "kind of following her" mean?" "You're either following her or you're not." "No, mom." "Hey." " Hi, Cozette." " Oh, we're talking." " Yeah, sorry." " No worries." "No, she will know who it is if something happens to her dog." "She will know." "I get what's going on." "What's going on?" "Group dynamics are naturally resistant to alteration." "What is that, like physics?" "Madonna." "So why don't you skate for the team?" "I thought that's why you gave me the flyer." "My brother and I do the music." "When you saw me the other day, we were getting our set list together." "The dog is innocent." "He's an innocent party." "Do not touch the dog!" "You need a name, you know." "For what?" "A skater name." "Everyone's got a name." "Oh, yeah." "I haven't really thought about it." "We'll think about it." "My brother and me named half the team." "Leave it to us." "So you're walking down the street away from Faye Mendelson's car and the dog is fine." "Okay." "Go home." "Chablis-up." "I'll see you later." "We should get downstairs." "Right behind you." "I don't think you understand what it's like." "Your parents are normal." "They do normal things and eat normal food." "And even though your mother counts the peas on everyone's plate to make sure everyone has the same amount," "I think that's thoughtful." "More thoughtful than wandering the house at night like Lady MacBeth." "Oh shoot, I forgot my shoes." "You did not forget your shoes." "I drove you off." "I drove her off just like my mother drives everyone off." ""We mock the things we are to be."" "You know who said that?" "Mel Brooks." "2,000-year-old man." "He was talking about how we make fun of our parents and then we grow up and turn into our parents." "And that line popped into my head yesterday so I started looking through old photo albums of my mother trying to figure out exactly when her crazy set in so I can be prepared." "I think it started around college." "That's the first time I saw her do that really wild-eyed thing she does." "So I guess I've got about three to four years before I go barking mad which is good." "Now I'm ready for it." "I can plan ahead." "You know, have a lot of rounded corners in my house." "Wear soft, bouncy clothing." "Stock up on tissue, ice cream," " voodoo dolls." " Are you Dutch?" " What?" " Dutch." "Are you Dutch?" " I..." " Your face reminds me of a Vermeer." "It does?" ""The Milkmaid."" "I drink milk." "All right, everyone." "Butts to the barre." "Well, I should get this over there." "Hey." "Genius is often touched with madness." "That's what makes it fun." " Tick, tock." " I guess so." "Ow." "Come on, let's go." "Move move move." "Up up up." "Come on." "There's no one in here you can date." "I just thought I'd come watch my sister shape young lives." "I'm just teaching a class." "You are just teaching a class." " Stop." " What?" "You're being a little bit douchey." "I'm not being a little bit douchey." "I've never seen you in a position of authority before." "Except that year you dressed up like Angie Dickinson for Halloween." "Ha ha." "Go away." "I'm not gonna disrupt anything." " Scotty." " I'm just gonna sit right here and watch you teach." "I think it'll be interesting." "And possibly hilarious." "All right, everyone." "First position." "De mi, straight." "De mi, straight." "Grand pile." "Nice." "Beautiful." "Next group." "All right, four turns are not better than three if you fall, dude." "Cozette, so good, but I need that hold before you float through." "I'm sorry?" "You have to hit that arabesque strong." "And then square everything off." "Then leading with the chin, arm up and then float through, okay?" "Ahh." "Like this." "Yes." "Great." "Perfect." "Nice." "Pointe shoes on, everyone." "Wow, that Cozette, she's very..." " Intense?" " And weird." "I mean weird in a good way," " but who the hell is she?" " Beats me." "And why does she bring that sketch artist with her" " everywhere she goes?" " That's her brother." "Oh, okay." "Yeah, not any less weird." "Who brings their brother with them everywhere they go?" "Oh, hey, Scotty." "This is my brother Scotty." "Nice hoofing." "Making Michelle look good out there." "Thank you from the president of "I have no coordination"" "Incorporated."" "So seriously, how is she as a teacher?" " She's good." " Really?" "Accept the answer and go sit down." "I'm sorry, I have to say it is so weird to see you as a teacher." "I know, right?" "Thanks, Matisse." "You guys have to understand, when Michelle was a kid, she hated her ballet teacher." "Okay, we're in the middle of a class here." "No, it was like a deep deep hatred." "An obsessive hatred." "And then one night she saw this movie." "And it had..." "Margaret O'Brien," " remember?" " No." "So, Margaret O'Brien was this ballet student and she idolized this old ballerina." "She wasn't old." "She was older than Margaret O'Brien." "And then one day, this other ballerina comes to town and steals the lead in "Swan Lake"" "from Margaret O'Brien's ballerina." "So she decides to sabotage the new ballerina by turning off the stage lights, but she opens a trapdoor in the floor by mistake, and the ballerina falls into it." "Oh my God, what happened?" "Paralyzed, wheelchair." "That's terrible." "To you." "To Michelle, it was inspiration." "Okay, Scotty." "So Michelle decides to cut a hole in the floor of her ballet class so that old Lady Vinshtick would fall in and paralyze herself." "I did not." "She breaks in in the middle of the night and tries to cut a hole in the floor with... with safety scissors and a grapefruit spoon." "It didn't go very well." "Wow." "Okay, shoes back on?" "Great." "Back to the center." "Go." " Nice kids." " They sure are." "So how much longer you got here?" "I'm thinking dinner." "Don't know." "Class, some bookkeeping." "You might be on your own tonight." "Oh." "Okay." "Echappe, echappe, echappe, pas de chat." "Five, six, seven, eight." "Sonic Youth segueing into Little Richard totally worked last night." "As predicted." "Lil' Wayne segueing into Brad Paisley did not." "Did you know he was country?" "The Paisley thing threw me off." "You blending in?" " Me?" " Yeah you." "Trying to." "The name will help." "Just gotta think of one." " We already did that." " You're gonna like it." "But you don't even know me." "Yo!" "Cleo-smacktra, get in here." "Cleo-smacktra?" "Cool." "That Beaver." "He's evil." "There's evilness in that kid." "At least I'm not late to class today." "Good." "The hand of Lucifer has touched that child." "No time for the dressing room though." "He played us against each other." "How did we let him do that?" "He caught us at a bad time." "I didn't call you doo-doo head." "I would never call you doo-doo head." "I can't believe that for a second you thought I would call you doo-doo head." "I didn't know what he was saying, okay?" "I didn't know what to think." "He's bad." "I mean, he's just a bad one." "And we fell for it." "Why did we fall for it?" " We're tired." " I'm exhausted." "Class is an hour." "You and the kids stay in the vicinity, okay?" "But I thought you were going to bring them all in with you." "Carl, I can't." "I have class." "Well, I've got something too." "Something?" "What something?" "You don't have work today." "I'm going to the gym." "The gym." "Yeah, it's been, like, forever." "You're not going to the gym." "I am going to the gym." " No." " Yes." "Okay, fine." "But I won't be here when you get back." "I haven't had time to myself in a week!" "You knew that kids were a commitment." "These aren't our kids." "You know what I mean." "Carl, please." "Fine." "I'll skip the gym." "But if I lose definition in my glutes, you're to blame, okay?" "Carl, please don't be mad." "Let's start class, losers." "Just need to stretch a little first," " okay, Jordan?" " Absolutely not." "You three, you're my first group." "We're starting with pirouettes." "And tendu." "Fourth, spot spot spot." "Two?" "Two and then you stop." "Margaret, how old are you?" " 10." " 10?" "I thought, with that attitude of yours, you were six." "You want to know how many I could do when I was 10?" "Like a thousand." "Do not look weak, Margaret." "Baryshnikov never looked weak." "Even in "Sex and the City,"" "the man never looked weak!" "Jordan!" "I have had it with this attitude of yours." "Your rudeness." "And your Baryshnikov this and Baryshnikov that." " Hey, this is not your class." " No!" "You are getting a time-out, mister." " What?" " Shh." "Quiet." "No no no." "Look at me." "Look at me." "Okay, we are here to learn and to have a good time." "That's what ballet is all about." "Now, I'm going to have to answer that." "Okay?" "Because I've got school." "And a job." "And three kids." "And that could be news that one of them just shoved a dump truck up his nose, okay?" "So I'm going to take five minutes." "We're all going to take five minutes here." "And when I get back, I expect to see a brand-new Jordan." " Yeah?" " Boo, I'm looking for Melanie." "Is she there?" " No." " No?" "Are you kidding?" "Look again." "She's gotta be there." "I need her here." " She promised." " Honey, honey, take off the frowny face and put on the smiley face." "What?" "Boo, listen... do you have a juice box?" " Do you want juice?" " Boo." "Listen." " You've got to lose those kids." " I know." "Okay, what am I gonna do?" "Look, call Charlie." "He probably knows where she is." "I will." "All right, everyone." "Let's start." "Big smiles now." "Jordan?" "Okay, can everyone come out to the center, please?" "And tendu." "Fourth." "Very nice." "All right, let's try it again, please?" "And tendu." "Pick up your feet." "Damn it, McGee, I'll get you for that." "Oh my God." "I forgot to go to the photo shoot." "Yeah?" "It went bad, didn't it?" "Oh yes, yes." "Very bad." " Very bad indeed." " What's on the dress?" " Punch." " Punch?" "From what?" "Punch from when my mother came" " and threw it all over us." " Oh my God." "Where did your mother get punch?" "Oh, there are a variety of places to get punch, Melanie." "Ralphs has punch, and Vons, and Albertsons, your local pharmacy stocks many punch products to throw on people." "Punch is very easy to obtain." "Ginny, I am so sorry." "I should have told you why I haven't been around." "But I got caught up in all this stuff, and I'm sucking at school and my dad is putting college pamphlets on my pillow, and under my breakfast plate, and in my sock drawer." "And he keeps going on and on about the S.A.T.s and what I'm gonna major in and what I'm gonna do for a living and what retirement home I'm gonna end up in." "And I found this, this... skating thing, and it made some kind of stupid sense." "And I'm just so... so sorry." "Say something." "You should have been there." "Where are we?" "What is this?" "It's Roller Derby." "Roller Derby?" "You're in Roller Derby?" "I'm Cleo-smacktra." "How did this enter your world?" "That night at the Oyster Bar, when I pulled the chair out from underneath Godot." "Godot got you into this?" "Not Godot." "She gave me a flyer." "She?" "You!" "Hi?" "Should you run?" "You stay out of this." "You're ruining everything!" "I don't know who you are or where you're from, or why you know French, or why you're so close with Mitch Alvarado, but Melanie is my friend!" "And it's the four of us." "And you need to stay the hell away!" "And I'm Norwegian!" "Does she skate?" " Is everyone decent?" " Yep." "I was yelling your name for 20 minutes." " Didn't you hear me?" " What do you want, Scotty?" "I just need a key to get in your place." "What happened to the key I gave you yesterday?" "I don't know." "Misplaced it." "Is there like a Paradise Lost And Found somewhere?" "Oh." "Is something wrong?" "You're suddenly acting like every other woman in my life." "Michelle?" "You told me the ukulele was lost." " What?" " When I asked you where it was, you told me to my face that it was lost." "It wasn't lost." "You had it the whole time." " Who cares?" " I do." "I wanted my ukulele." " That was like 20 years ago." " Is that your excuse?" "Oh jeez, I'm sorry." "You know, if you missed it that much maybe you should have just bought a new one." "They're very hot now." "Eddie Vedder just did a whole ukulele album." "That's how out of ideas he is." " I'll get it for you for Christmas." " You're undermining me." "What?" "How?" "Your cracks, your jokes in front of the girls." "I'm being funny." "It's humor." "It's what sets us apart from the apes." "That whole Margaret O'Brien thing." " That was funny?" " I can't... you basically told them to cut a hole in the floor so I'll fall through and paralyze myself." "I didn't tell them to do it." "I told them that you wanted to do it to your teacher." "I thought it was a cute story." " You were planting ideas." " I told them the plot of a movie." "I did not write the movie." "How the hell am I the bad guy in this?" "This is my life now, Scotty." "This is my home." "This is my job." "Those are my students." "Oh boy." "You have snapped many many caps, my friend." "I'm an authority figure now." "Authority figure?" "Come on." " They look up to me." " They're isolated kids." "You're this strange exotic creature." "You're a mermaid." "You're Tinker Bell." "So that's why you're here?" "To crap all over my new life?" "I worked hard for this life." "You got drunk and married a guy." " Hard work." " Hey!" "What?" "I've done it too." "No judgments." "Well, he was a great guy." "And his mother has been really really good to me." " You're living in a guest house." " What does that mean?" "It means, it's a one room guest house." " For a guest." " Oh, so square footage is the measure of stability now?" "What's your square footage, Scotty, huh?" "Enjoying your six feet of my couch?" " Matt Johnson." " What?" "Matt Johnson." "He was my best friend in school, you dated him, and as soon as you guys broke up he wouldn't talk to me anymore." "What are you yammering about?" "You said you never took anything from me?" "You took Matt Johnson." "I have no memory of Matt Johnson." "Oh, come on, Michelle." "Matt Johnson?" "He was my best friend." "The two amigos?" "Do you mean Eric Johnson?" "Yes." "Eric Johnson." " Wow." " Doesn't change what happened." "He was so important to you you couldn't remember his name." "Perhaps I blacked it out." "Too much trauma." "Just own up to it, Scotty." " Take some responsibility." " What does that have to do with..." "You never take responsibility for anything." "Oh, says the girl who set every float on fire at the Fourth of July parade with a cigarette and blamed it on rap music." "Why didn't you make me graduate high school?" " You did graduate." " No." " I was there." " That was the ceremony." "I didn't have the credits to get the diploma." "Oh, bummer." "You should have made me graduate." "It was your responsibility to make sure I was prepared for life." " Why me?" " You're my big brother." "By a year!" "All I was supposed to do was make sure you had beer." "Why is this funny?" "Why are you making this funny?" "Because all I wanted was a key." "That's all." "And suddenly you're freaking out and you said ukulele like 60 times and I don't even know why we're having this argument." "Don't do that." "That is so mom." "She starts stuff, and then while you're standing there yelling and screaming and pulling your hair out, she says "I don't even know why we're having this argument"" "when she knows damn well why you're having the argument." "She's the one who started this argument in the first place." "How did we suddenly get to mom?" " You brought her up." " I did not bring her up." "Well, by being like her, you brought her up." "You don't even deal with mom." "I deal with mom." "Mom needs money, I deal with it." "Mom needs to move, I deal with it." "Mom needs help hiding out from the Jehovah's Witnesses," "I deal with it!" "Why was mom hiding out from the Jehovah's Witnesses?" "It's a long story and they're a very non-violent organization so it takes a lot to get them to the point where they are someone you have to hide out from." "Well, that's your choice." "I washed my hands of all that a long time ago." "Yes, I know." "How long's it been" " since you talked to mom?" " 12 glorious fun-filled years." "Oh, very mature, by the way." "Not much has changed." "Your address, you go to a job every day," " but not much else." " You don't know what you're talking about." "Yeah, it took me way longer to figure things out than it should have, but look at the road map I had to follow." "The birds ate all those breadcrumbs, Hansel." "And boy, do I not want to hear about all the stuff you have to put up with with that crazy woman." "Because I've dealt with more than a lifetime's worth of crap from her." "Her obsession with her face and her looks, and my face and my looks." "And her completely fictional take on what our family was." "And if you choose to continue having negative influences in your life, then you have to prepare yourself for the consequences." "You know who told me that?" "Fanny, my mother-in-law." "She told me that you make your own family." "You make your own destiny." "And there is nothing you cannot change if you are completely committed to it." "And I am." "I am completely committed to it." "And it doesn't matter if you believe it or not, the address has changed and my life has changed." " Fine." " I can do this." "No!" "Do it again, Jordan!" "No." "Again." "You're better than this, Jordan." "Come on." "Yes." "I'll be better after a banana."