"I'm the best, so do not test, the top of my profession." "The master of my chosen field, of that there is no question." "Serious." "Serious, profession." "Serious." "Serious, profession." "Do you know, I was thinking the other day, about how kitchens used to be in olden times." "Amazing things we used to do then that we are all forgotten about now" "Like, for instance, how we used to clean them from time to time." "Piers!" "Chef?" "See, that is my explanation of why the work tops in this kitchen is so low, it's the foot of crap we accumulated on the foot, making us seem that much taller." "Piers, dear heart, you found a brush, how wonderfull." "Haven't seen one of these since I was a small boy." "Where did you get it, the Science Museum?" "Chef!" "Go carefully Piers, there may be a Roman Mosaic underneath." "Yes, Chef." "NO!" "What is that?" "It is hollandaise sauce, chef." "What fore?" "To finish daube seau.**" "No, no, no, Everton." "A little herb butter." "What is the essence of cooking?" "Ingredients timing?" "Cleanliness." "The strenght..!" "This daube seau, needs that hollandaise sauce, like the ceiling of the sixteen chappel needs a coat of brilliant white emulsion." "Yes, Chef.." "It is quality not quantity that counts, Everton" "Yes Chef." "Lola..." "Chef?" "Lola, you're bloody fired." "Chef!" "I mean it, fired, sacked minus pay check" "You have a walk on part in an electron poster." "You see the only reason I'm he.." "This is it, Lola." "I'm serious this time you've gone to bloody far." "You see, the customer..." "You are about to take part, in Brittains fastest growing gameshow" ""waiting for the giro"" "You see, the only r.." "You're about to spend every thursdaymorning, standing in line at the post office, hoping knowing you know is about to walk in and recognise you." "Lola, you were the major B." "How even you can nick food of a plate destined for a customer, is beyond, even me." "Now, good bye." "It is not destined for a customer, it is destined for the bin." "What?" "I was so overcome with outrage that one of your finest creations was to concined to oblivion, I was unable to resist to taste any" "What are you talking about?" "The customer has finished with it." "The customer hasn't started with it, what's wrong with it?" "There is nothing wrong with it." "There is nothing wrong with this." "Nothing wrong with this." "What's wrong with this?" "Nothing!" "There's nothing wrong with this." "I'm sincerely hoping they are all carying some dread desease" "This customer who has found this dish not to his taste, does he exhibit any other recognisable signs of insanity?" "Is he perhapts an erect freemacon whose tongue has been torn out by the roots?" "I spoke to him." "What did he say?" "Is mr." "Blackstock cooking himself tonight?" "This wol tide** No, he would have if he was." "He knows that.. this is the kitchen.." "I want to have a word with the cook." "All right?" "The meal I had here a while ago, was a disgrace." "Let me tell you this, we used to keep pigs back home and I used to be at our pigs." "and I wouldn't give our pigs, the food I had here today." "Don't go thinking that I'm some strange kind of, wooly headed, piglover." "I would just give them the slops and I'm talking on grounds of humanity." "Now I'm going to talk about the portions" "I don't want to eat this food." "All little bits of nothing, that have been mocked about with." "And even if I eat don't want to meet this, numby pumby, hairy fairy, awfully food." "The portions are too small." "They are not portions, you cannot call what you give me a portion," "It's not even a mouthfull." "I shouldn't eating when I come forth to eat this food." "I should be given a microscope on a **" "Now I'm coming to the money you are charging for this food" "This isn't a restaurant, I'm thinking." "This must be a casual room." "This must be selling me a big posh car." "With leather seats." "And the best stereo system you have ever heard." "Only I don't see any cars." "How can you charge this much money, for the littlelest, smallest, teeny weeny portions, I've ever seen." "So little tiny bits of this and a few spats off dot on a big, big plate." "What pitty, I'm here to play a teetaatoo." "And there are a lot of French words on the menu no one can understand anyway." "And why French!" "I ask myself." "Well, this is England." "I come back here to explain you my point of view." "and let you know I'm not paying one red cent, for this abomination of treve ** meal you have the nerve to serve me." "Okay?" "Hello Dad." "Long time no see." "Well, why is he coming then?" "Well.." "You hate him." "No.." "No I don't hate him." "Yes you do." "Well whatever gave you that idea?" "What?" "I said..." "For years you told me, you hated him." "Well.." "That started me off thinking you hated him." "Ehm..." "He abandoned you when you were ten." "I know.' You've only seen him six times since." "Yes, that's right, seven I think." "He always runs you down, you said, he ran you down tonight in the restaurant." "Yes, he did, actually." "But over the years you have often said that he is a selfish, arrogant, predictive, spiteful, selfish..." "selfindulgent, ** greedy, selfish, scheming underachieving, adulterous selfish, biggity" "Yes..." "Irresponsible, smallminded, selfish, sexist, pig." "You said it so often I could quote you." "But it's not just that." "Though I put two and two together and form the opinion, you don't like it much." "Yes, I could see how you do that." "I do hate him, actually." "Of course." "He never even came to our wedding." "No fair due, Janet as he couldn't really, I mean my mother would have made sure, that is was our wedding but his funeral." "And those things he said, when he came top at school, you were nine!" "Yes, have to move the boy to a better school." "The other children must be as thick as pink shit." "Then, when I won the sprint." "Where they get so much practice, running away from a hardest days work." "Yes, I do hate him, actually." "And he is a bit selfish." "Still, he is my dad." "Mr. Blackstock.." "Hè hè hè, call me that my dear." "Mr. Blackstock, why did you make that scene in Gareths kitchen?" "Oh, he that was a cynical joke." "Oh, I see.." "It wasn't to try and run him down in front of his employees?" "Oh, ** I would never run Gareth down." "That meal wasn't so bad." "You're so kind." "What was that?" "Boeuf Bourguignon." "Leaves two." "That's exactly, what it was." "That wasn't so bad." "You've said that." "Why are you into some real down home cooking in a restaurant?" "Down home?" "Join me a can food?" "Hè hè." "Our restaurant, is a French restaurant." "It is one of the finest in England." "Is is very highly thought of." "We do not do the Caribbean food there." "No.." "Well, maybe just once." "For a change." "There is no way, ever, under any circumstances, we will serve Caribbean food at Le Chateau Anglais." "Of course not." "Because, you couldn't do it." "That's why." "Hè, hè hè.." "Friday, the eighteenth, lunch and dinner, will consist entirely of Caribbean food." "Caribbean food?" "Caribbean food?" "No problems with the hearing then." "Jolly good..." "Yes." "Caribbean food." "It is one of Chefs specialities, apparently." "Yeh, it's one of mine I know." "Really?" "Oh, that's good now you will have a chance to shine." "He, he, nonono you see it is not a matter of a shining," "I'm just well wicked at it." "You see, my dumplings are famous all along the high road." "In just a spot I have to own me now, because I have to show him lots of things." "You've only been here a matter of weeks and in a gentle way you have been to show us quite a lot of things.." "Hmm..." "You once made an impressive range of soups and sauces, with the washing up water." "Yeah, well..." "And there was the time you served a very important customer a used elastoplast souflée." "Now, that was a mistake." "Yes, I must say, I thought it wasn't a recipy." "I'm not going to mention the occasion you tried to return a conc** of live crayfish back to the wild." "I don't mean to be unkind or hurtfull, Everton, but we are in a running, before we can walk, situation here." "Yeah, but..." "Please, Everton don't loose your grip on reality." "Chefs knowledge of cuisines worldwide is encyclopedic." "I know bu..." "He spend twenty years in the best kitchens in Europe." "He is one of the finest cooks in England." "I know." "And you started to months ago." "At bottom." "Yes, chef." "And as far as I can see, you've been working your way down, eversince." "God, this food sounds disgusting." "You really never had it before." "No." "Never." "What about you?" "No, of course not." "Seven years in a single-sex boarding school with semi leaders and saco.**" "What are these ingredients, chocho, dashi," "This isn't cooking it's a crime against humanity." "Truly your father cooked it for you." "No, he never cooked and my mother couldn't." "Did you take the day off, to help me pack?" "Yeah." "It's really nice of you." "Welcome, really." "Gareth?" "We are moving out of this house in ten days time." "I could use some help here." "Janice, I have to get on top of this cuisine." "If you can call it cuisine." "But Everton knows all about Caribbean food." "That is why I have to get on top of it." "Think I'm gonna try a couple of things out, you know." "Here, on my own, quietly." "What?" "I'll just nip down the shops." "What?" "Shan't be a tick." "Gareth?" "I've just done some washing up, Everton." "Oh, shall I save the water for you?" "What?" "So you can make some soup?" "Don't be rude to our Everton, I mean he's a celebrity chef." "And as for his elastoplast surprise, I gather it's fast becoming a clichee, at the tables at the of the **" "There's no need to be sarcastic, I mean we have all made mistakes, right?" "Oh, it's okay Everton, I'm sure Chef can't wait to consult you on the preperation of" "Akkie and Saltfish." "Curry-go." "Jungla Soup." "It's Janga Soup, stupid." "Otto.." "Chef?" "Do you think you could clean your section?" "I'm very glad Chef isn't here to see the filth you are prepared to work in." "Can you imagine his reaction if he were?" "Yes, Chef." "I'm terribly sorry." "The outside of this cottage, in which I see a particularly fierce and distressing civil war is currently being waged, is exactly the same as the clean and civilized dwelling in which I live and which I left, only moments ago to purchase some wine." "Obviously, I have made an entirely understandable mistake." "I'll clear up afterwards, Janice, all right?" "Ooooh..." "I packed all those pans!" "Yeah, I know, it took me ages to find them." "I packed them all, carefully with scrunched up papers and plastic cheesy quavers and everything." "With always on each box, and where to put it writen on the outside, in marker pen." "AAAHHH!" "Ooohhh nooohhh.." "All that work." "Janice, I'll repack." "Yes, you will." "Darling, I'm creating us a nice diner." "This won't take a minute, to clear up afterwards." "I have to rehearse this cuisine." "Well why can't you rehearse in your professional kitchen, with your full time staff to clear up, after you." "Because they mustn't know that I cannot cook this food." "Fish Tea, Calverton Beans, Corn Mill Pone, for pudding." "The trouble is, I don't know, how it is supposed to taste." "It's not supposed to taste like this." "No." "No, I will not ask Everton to help me." "Gareth.." "No way, he is the lowest form of life in my kitchen." "In order of seniority, he is several stages below the bacteria." "Which ** abundantly on my kitchen floor." "And he has a inftated opinion of himself, which will be fatal to encourage." "Well, I'm sure if you.." "Janice, no way, period." "It is not possible for me to be seen solliciting advise from my most inexperienced commis." "It would damage me permanently." "Just this once.." "I'm more or less decided, to sack him anyway." "You haven't." "Janice, he makes soup with the water they wash the ladels** in" "He has a panchan** for a lasterplast puddings." "He works hard and he is very keen but he ceaselessly makes gargantuam mistakes," "He just hasn't made any progress." "And he thinks he is god's gift to gastronomy, it's not a good combination." "But he is only have been there a couple of months." "Everton is simply no good at cooking." "He is history." "The subject is closed." "Now let us try the Calverton Beans." "Right." "Hmm..." "You know how "toad in the hall" doesn't have any toads in it?" "I do, yes." "So, what's in Calverton Beans?" "Calverton Beans." "I'll ask Everton to help me tomorrow." "Apparantly he knows a lot of Caribbean cooking" "Does he?" "Oh, yes." "Do you fancy going to the Taj Mahal in Oxford for a curry?" "Good morning Chef." "Hmm..." "Could I have a word." "Could I have a word." "With you in private." "With you in private." "You, see.." "You see.." "What I wanted to say..." "What I wanted to say..." "I need your help." "I decided to leave the kitchen." "What!" "?" "What!" "?" "I can't hack it." "What do you mean you can't hack it?" "Well I suddently realised..., I mean." "I wanted to advise you in the Caribbean." "Me." "Well..." "I mean this sort of all hit me sort of thing." "I mean, one minute I'm in the Harrow road, cooking rice and peas and famous dumplings, two months in a proper kitchen and I'm thinking of advising you." "The greatest Chef in the world." "Well, in Europe certainly, I wouldn't want to say," "Me, yes me." "The one who put elastoplast in the soufflé." "Makes soups with washing up water." "And let the crayfish out." "Everton..." "I'm not good at this." "I wouldn't say that, Everton." "Wouldn't you?" "We all make mistakes." "But you..." "You have made progress." "And then there's the others, you know," "They,ve all been a bit sarci." "And I suddenly saw things in their true light, sort of thing." "Being sarci..." "Yeah, about all the mistakes I made and that." "And because I was showing up because I knew about Jamaican food." "I was fair enough." "Everton, this is my kitchen." "If there is any sarcing to be done," "I do it." "I mean you don't underst.." "Follow me." "Ladies and gentlemen, as you know, we are shortly to have a Carribian evening here." "Yes, Chef." "And, we are most fortunate, that Everton is an expert in this particular cuisine." "Over the next few days he shall be assisting me on developing some Jamaican classics." "I know I can rely on you to give him all the help and assistance he may need." "Yes, Chef." "He'll be very busy over the next few days Piers, so I'd like you to keep a section clean for him." "What!" "?" "And also perhaps you prep for him." "Prep, for Everton!" "Keep a section clean for him..." "Thank you, gentlemen I knew I can rely on you." "Carry on." "Pardon?" "Yes, Chef..." "Pardon?" "Yes, Chef!" "What's this?" "Oh, that's Guiness punch, it's traditional in Jamaica." "It's lovely." "Everton, I'm not sure that this is the kind of thing, Chef had in mind," "I mean, some of these ingredients..." "Don't worry, trust me, honestly this is lovely." "What's this, twenty liters of condensed milk?" "Oh, that's for the Guinnes Punch, Chef." "What?" "The Guiness Punch, it's a Jamaican Speciality." "I know that." "Guiness.." "Punch.." "You need lots of condensed milk." "Everton, I would normally only say this once but I know in your case," "I shall have to say it ten times, but that will be the limit." "Chef?" "This is a serious restaurant." "We achieve the pinnacle of gastronomy here, and we shall not be using condensed milk, ever." "But Chef, you need..." "..under any circumstances." "Nor shall we be making extensive use of banana flavoured Nesquick." "Wrappen wheels or bunny shaped blomonge moulds." "Chef..." "Shut it, Everton." "Allow this portion of your life go unremarked." "Believe me, it is the safest course of action." "The man who suggests condensed milk for the restaurant Le Chateau Anglais, runs the risk of instantanious unemployment at best, and a good savage and fatal kicking at worst." "Am I achieving clarity?" "You don't want no condensed?" "Contact!" "Lucinda?" "Yes, Chef?" "Could you make out, an order for twenty liters of condensed milk." "I'm making my dumplings, tomorrow." "Wait, till you taste them." "You see, that's for boil dumplings, this is for fry dumplings." "See, my dumplings are famous." "I 's make them in the Harrow Road of my aunties take away." "Everton, a cannot be, a dumpling is merely flour and water." "Not the way I make them." "So, I see." "I'm gonna mix them all together now." "Jolly good." "Ehmm.." "I'll have to ask you, to..." "look away now, sort of thing," "Pardon?" "There is a secret ingredient." "Everton." "It's not me, I mean, I don't mind but it's just my uncle Ive told it to me." "Did he whisper it to you on his dead bed?" "You don't need to be sarcy." "He just made me promise not to tell anyone." "He just put a tiny bit in." "But it makes all the difference." "It's restraint sort of thing, it's more quality not quantity." "You know..." "Everton, let's get a couple of things straight." "I'm the chef de cuisine." "Oh, yeah." "This is my kitchen." "Of course." "You have learned all my recipes." "Well..." "Recipes that have won this place, two Michelin Stars." "Yes." "Recipes that will remain your favourite stand byes, all your cooking career." "I know.." "And I am not allowed to learn uncle Ive's secret to his dumpling?" "But I promised to my honour sort of thing." "Everton, I'm not going to turn my back in my own kitchen!" "Okay." "Then I can't make the dumplings." "And your dear old daddy won't get to taste the best jolly cakes ever made." "Jolly cakes?" "Yeah, that's just another word for dumplings." "I know that!" "Jolly cakes." "Still I suppose it is not that important that your dear old dad has them." "I mean..." "I'm sure that you can do something much better." "I expect." "On reflection, Everton I can quite see how you must respect the oath that you gave your dear old uncle Ivy." "Yes." "So, would you be so kind us, to inform us to any valy to the secret ingredient?" "Of course, Chef, yeah." "Ladies and gentlemen, would you all care to turn away, please." "I'm gonna sponge you out for this you spotty little git." "Go keep it." "Okay, that's it." "You see now, you just add all to this, then it look like this, and then... and then in your palms... like, this." "Oh..." "You can have a go if you like, Chef." "Thank you so much." "So, how is it going?" "Everton is making some wonderfull things." "Good." "His dumplings were dream, his Guiness punch is to die for," "It's hell..." "Hell." "It such an insufferable cocky little smarty bunch a wanna smack him in the gum!" "I hate him!" "I want that I never heard of Caribbean food." "Then don't do it." "I must." "My father is bringing his latest floozy dorethy, on this special night." "She loves West Indian food." "We will serve the finest the world has ever known." "He won't be able to slag it off." "Figures, she will be in ecstacies with every mouthfull." "He will have to admit, it's the best he's ever had." "Teheehh..." "Stubborn little git." "I'll get him." "Chef would value your opinion over these dishes, Lola." "If you could force yourself." "Oohh.." "How delightfull." "Don't they look wonderfull." "These refined and enhanced and embellished traditional Jamaican cuisine." "Whoo..." "Hmmm..." "That's very nice." "Oh, delicious." "Quite, quite delicious." "Ah!" "Oh my god." "Hmm, hehmm!" "They are simply sensational!" "I mean, they are quite wonderfull." "I have never had a liquid as good as that in my life." "I mean, that is..." "Yes, yes thank you Lola, we just wanted to have an idea." "Yes, Chef." "Thank you very much." "Not at all..." "I mean that.." "Thank you, Lola!" "Yes, Chef." "We are actually a bit down on bookings tonight." "I don't know this Carabbean caper goes down a bomb with the clientele." "Never mind, Lola it is what I th..." "Ça marche, one akian salt fish," "Yes, Chef." "one janga soup," "Yes, Chef." "one mackerel rundown," "Yes, Chef." "Two escabiche fish." "Yes, Chef." "What are these names, what am I doing in my own restaurant?" "Janga soup, mackerel rundown, escabiche fish," "I must have taken a leave at my senses." "Ça marche, two mouton stew and johny cakes." "Yes, Chef." "Yes, Chef." "Hehehehehe..." "Gareth my boy..." "Hello dad." "Where's Dorothy?" "Oh, she is still in the car." "Your pie fressor ** are doing really a con cooking." "Seems sound, it is good, isn't it." "Hnn..." "What are you gonna have?" "Hèh?" "What dish are you going to order?" "Oooh, whe are going to the Taj Mahal in Oxford, didn't I tell you?" "What?" "I don't know much for this smut on stew and dumplings stuff." "It ain't above rewithny**" "It am not never cook that all, remember?" "Quite cushy you are giving it a try." "You do well flown** flying." "Well, I was just passing." "I'll be seeing you." "Of course, he was going to do that, what a clutch I am." "I'm really a shit one, isn't it?" "What a dayroad daddy, he is a bit of a character, really." "I'm in a strange mood, Everton." "Yeah?" "I need a bit of a lift." "If you don't tell me what Uncle Ivy secret ingredient is, you're gonna end up in one of your rigid johny cakes!" "I swear I won't tell him." "On your life, Everton."