"CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "Good evening." "Welcome to Have I Got News For You." "I'm Jack Dee." "In the news this week, in his first assignment since leaving Newsnight," "Jeremy Paxman tries his hand at street interviews with members of the public." "Eh, stop being aggressive, you little shit." "In London, a couple of mums from Mumsnet decide to meet up for a friendly chat in person." "And coming home from the animal rescue centre," "Ozzy Osbourne begins to wonder if his new pet used to be a sniffer dog." "On Ian's team tonight is a comedian who has been accused of selling out by advertising a brand of cider but if you ask me, people that say that are just bitter." "John Smith's bitter." "Delicious." "Just saying I'm still here, guys." "Please welcome Mark Watson." "APPLAUSE" "And with Paul tonight is a broadcaster and, more importantly, a dame." "We're lucky to have her, it's a busy season for dames." "Please welcome Joan Bakewell." "APPLAUSE" "And we start with the bigger stories of the week." "Ian and Mark, take a look at this." "MARK:" "This is a cracking story so far." "Oh, they're putting a tunnel under Stonehenge." "Clegg is thinking of hiding in there after the election." "Yeah, he went to visit." "And quite a few politicians had the bottom halves of their tie stolen this week." "It's the Autumn Statement, is this what you're looking for?" "Yeah, it is." "So, how are we doing with our deficit reduction?" "Well, that was the one thing that he didn't really want to announce." "He said he would cut the deficit to nothing by the election and he didn't mention the debt which is 1.4 trillion." "It's just staggering." "No, we're the world's most fantastic economy according to the Chancellor, we're doing incredibly well, and we're bust, which is a depressing set of messages." "How have we got into 1.4 trillion of debt?" "Well, the Labour government is partly to blame, isn't it, Baroness?" "No, it was the American mortgage scandal." "OK, let's not go back and apportion blame for Labour's overspending." "Let's just say where we are now." "Yeah, the BBC reported that we are still massively in debt." "Do you think Osborne introduced the tax break on children's television shows for a particular reason?" "Yes." "I think he deliberately gave a tax break to children's programmes in order to put in a joke about Wallace and Gromit and Ed Miliband." "There it is." "Poor old Ed." "Helpfully, Andrew Marr made sure that Ed saw it as well in an interview." "There he is showing him." "It could have so easily been the other way around." "What else has changed?" "What's happened in the Statement?" "Well, they've given away some stuff." "Mm." "Labour said there'd be two billion for hospitals and so he said," ""Yeah, that's a good idea," ""we'll have two billion for hospitals as well."" "Flood defences." "Roads." "Flood defences came in, yes." "Roads everywhere, just lots of roads." "And the flood defences and the roads are the same idea, aren't they?" "They're tarmacing over all of our rivers and I only watched the highlights of the Statement but I think I got it." "I think you've got it, yeah." "And what's the story between the ã15 billion road-building programme?" "It's like a lot of things this time of year, it's a repeat." "Mm-hm." "He's announced them before." "If you're watching this on Dave, you're going to think," ""That's hypocritical."" "You think people watching Dave know the word "hypocritical"?" "There'll be some very angry people in the future." "And he's also trying to stop you looking at Stonehenge as you drive past it by putting a great, big tunnel underneath the Salisbury Plain." "But that plan has been going for hundreds and hundreds of years, probably thousands of years." "Well, it was a mistake of the people building the thing right next to the road anyway." "Ridiculous." "The trouble is the more you build roads, the more people use them so whenever you build a road, you build a traffic jam." "That's what happens." "JACK SIGHS" "People are bastards, aren't they?" "Joan, what's your favourite A-road, would you say?" "That's a real challenge." "Is this a new quiz?" "Well, it is actually." "I like the A12 but I don't suppose the A12 is getting any help." "I quite like the A1(M) cos it's an A-road but it sort of dreams of something bigger." "It doesn't count." "It doesn't count." "Aspirational, a real Tory road." "Shall we play a game that I've invented called Name That Road?" "Name That Road?" "OK, fair enough." "First question - it stretched 205 miles from Bath to Cleethorpes." "Name that road." "The Bath-to-Cleethorpes road." "BUZZER SOUNDS" "I was going to say that." "Ah, no." "They're all A-roads, I need the number." "This is a thrilling game." "It's the A46." "Oh." "It's one of those ones where you kick yourself when you know, isn't it?" "Absolutely." "Next one - it's the longest A-road in the country at 309 miles." "Name that road." "MARK LAUGHS" "London to Edinburgh?" "Not London to Edinburgh." "We could go through the numbers." "Yeah, that's probably the way to do it, yeah." "Is it the A2?" "Three?" "Four?" "Can we have a clue?" "Well, it's Bodmin to Mansfield." "That's not as big a clue as I was hoping." "Well, let me tell you it's the A38." "Ah." "Yes, it's a good road, that one." "This is making the Autumn Statement look interesting." "Finally, a bit of a twist on Name That Road." "Yep." "Yep." "What's so special about the A361?" "It doesn't exist?" "No." "It takes you to another planet?" "No." "If you go fast, you end up in the 17th century?" "Mm, you're getting there." "16th century?" "It's actually the longest three-digit A-road in Britain." "Uh, well, here's another game." "What's...?" "Hang on, you're not stopping that game there, surely?" "Yes." "We can come back to it if you liked it, Mark." "We're just getting into it." "What's wrong with this picture?" "It doesn't feature a road." "Nick Clegg isn't there." "Ah, yes, Paul, exactly that." "What's wrong with that?" "He didn't turn up for the Autumn Statement." "He should have been, yes." "Yes, he was in Cornwall." "He was sulking." "Do you think he was sulking?" "I think he was sulking, yes." "I don't think he agrees with it." "He doesn't want to take the blame." "He said that he chose to go to Cornwall to..." "Wrong place for that, Nick." "Despite being absent from Parliament when the Autumn Statement was made," "Nick Clegg said he was proud of it and insisted... ..in very much the same way that Andrew Ridgeley co-authored Wham's greatest hits." "All right, let's have another what's-wrong-with-this-picture?" "We shouldn't have seen that again." "Something else wrong." "Something else wrong?" "Who's there that shouldn't have been or said they weren't going to be there?" "MARK:" "Elvis?" "It's Liz Truss, the Environment and Food Minister." "I don't know if you remember why she shouldn't be there because she said that she was going to be somewhere else." "In December, I'll be in Beijing opening up new pork markets." "Well, she obviously fancies her chances, doesn't she?" "So, what's wrong with this picture?" "Now..." "AUDIENCE GROANS" "MARK:" "Where do we start?" "Mm." "JOAN:" "There's been a lot of tweeting about his expression." "Do you remember any in particular?" "Well, I think there was an implication that she was kind of molesting him with her other hand." "There's one particular tweet that went..." "And how do we know it's not true?" "Exactly." "It could be photoshopped, anyway." "It might have been someone else there, originally." "Mm." "Might have been Wendi Deng." "GROANS" "Happy Christmas." "It's actually quite a poignant picture, as Cherie has lovingly placed her hand where his heart used to be." "Which of the party leaders had a cartoon of himself for a Christmas card?" "Nigel Farage?" "Nigel Farage, yes." "Yep." "It's a cartoon of him murdering three other people." "Yes." "Typically red-faced Nigel reminding everyone to drink and drive at Christmas." "Although, curiously, only the left tyre has made a mark on their bodies." "He is driving straight into a brick wall." "Mm." "Which is..." "He's reversing, I think." "We probably shouldn't treat this as a forensic..." "LAUGHTER ..scene of crime, but nevertheless, there are points to be made about it." "What's Boris been up to?" "Er, he was on a flight." "Yes." "He got incredibly drunk and he had to be restrained by the other passengers." "That could be any week." "Yeah - woke the lawyer up, though, didn't it?" ""What's that, there?"" "It was another passenger who got incredibly drunk." "Really?" "I felt sure it was Boris." "No, he tried to calm this passenger down." "Yeah." "Boris..." "..according to his PR." "Here's a picture of him wading in." "There he is, at the back." "Quite a long way behind the police." "Yes." "But here's one - a bit more conspicuous in this photo, Boris." "He was in Malaysia on some trade junket." "It was either that or he was going to the Tory Christmas party... dressed as Jimmy Savile." "I don't know." "GROANS" "Who, um..." "It's not as popular a costume as it used to be, is it?" "How does David Cameron like to let off steam, we discovered this week?" "He likes to crack a good joke, apparently." "It was revealed this week that he told his wife before a visit to Italy in 2010..." "Reassuring." "That's not a joke, that's a policy statement." "Paul and Joan, do you want to take a look at this?" "Mm." "Right, there's people rushing into the cinema to see something marvellous." "The truth being told, it's a thriller set in North Korea, and making a mockery of Kim Jong-un..." "Mm." "..who doesn't like it." "So, somebody has hacked into Sony Pictures..." "Mm." "I start talking about computers, I lose it a bit here." "But they jacked into their website and they've managed to get hold of these feature films that haven't been released yet, and North Korea, when asked if they were responsible, said, "Wait and see."" "Yes, it was pretty much like that." "And Sony staff suffered a major inconvenience as a result of the hack." "The e-mail system crashed, which was a disaster, as nobody knew when the sandwich man was arriving, and several people missed Gemma from accounts' leaving do." "So, a Sony spokesman said..." "You wouldn't even notice a cyber attack at Private Eye, would you, Ian?" ""Somebody's stolen the quills!"" "So, the reason for pointing their finger at North Korea is the Sony film The Interview." "Various myths about Kim Jong-un are included in the film, which the North Korean people are supposed to believe." "Do you know what any of those myths are?" "He's quite overweight?" "Er, that's just..." "That's true." "I mean, that's just..." "He doesn't need to eat." "Well, you're quite close, actually, on that one." "Yeah.." "He..." "MARK:" "We can all do that, it's just they won't understand you." "It really becomes a skill if it actually is a two-way conversation, though." "And the other myth about him is that he doesn't pee or poo." "That explains the weight, then." "Also this week we discovered what Kim Jong-un did immediately after he came to power." "Do you know what that was?" "Didn't he eliminate his rivals?" "Well, he murdered his uncle, didn't he?" "Yeah." "He did, yeah." "The thing he actually did was, he banned people from being called Kim Jong-un." "Ah, yes." "He issued a decree saying..." "JACK CHUCKLES" "It's going to be a list with "Kim Jong-un" written on it a lot of times, isn't it?" "Still with the Far East." "Where were a group of MPs refused entry this week?" "Hong Kong." "Oh, yes, Hong Kong." "Yep." "They wanted to go and look at the democracy movement, and how it was progressing." "Yes." "How did the Foreign Office react to this snub?" "Oh, we sent a warship." "Yes!" "No, we haven't got any warships." "No." "They made a statement saying it was..." "LAUGHTER" "This is the North Korean cyber attack, which has given a Hollywood film the kind of publicity most producers would die for." "A North Korean spokesman said the movie was..." "Two stars." "And so to Round Two, and it's a welcome return for the Have I Got News For You Wheel Of News." "Buzz in when you know the story." "Here's the first spin." "Stephen Hawking." "Stephen Hawking has got a new machine which is helping him to speak much quicker." "And he also suggested he might make a very good James Bond villain." "Do we agree with that?" "Yeah, absolutely." "MIMICS STEPHEN HAWKING:" ""I've been expecting you, Mr Bond."" "Stephen Hawking thinks he would..." "Professor Hawking operates his computer by changing his facial expressions - so, already ahead of Roger Moore." "What was Stephen Hawking warning us about this week, though?" "Robots." "Yes." "Artificial intelligence." "Yes." "He thinks that they might overpower us eventually." "Indeed." "Well, it was based on his experience - because this machine predicts what he's going to say, on previous patterns, it's sort of forcing him, in some ways, into saying certain things." "Mm." "And he's got worried by the idea of artificial intelligence, and robots taking over the entire world." "So he just gave a warning." "He said, "If we're not careful, humans will be wiped out." Yes." "Which is the same message that Professor Arnold Schwarzenegger was trying to give us in Terminator." "Yeah." "Stephen Hawking benefits from the technology, as we know." "What sort of thing is he warning about?" "I've got a bit of footage to show you." "Yes." "LOUD WHIRRING" "It looks like two pissed blokes trying to carry a Volkswagen home." "Is that artificial intelligence?" "We've got nothing to worry about, have we?" "Yes, Stephen Hawking has warned that artificial intelligence could replace the human race." "According to the Guardian, Hawking's computer software has recently had a life-changing upgrade, which means he can speak twice as fast, but on the downside, he's lost all his old photos." "Here's the next spin." "Yes, Ian and Mark?" "It's Christmas!" "No-one is doing nativity plays any more." "Yes." "There's a survey showing that only one in three schools still holds a traditional nativity play." "Very sad news." "Oh, that's a shame." "Do you know what they are doing instead, the schools?" "Something worthwhile?" "Ooh!" "I'm just a bit annoyed because I was the donkey." "I was Joseph, I was Joseph." "And I had to, you know, me and the virg were going along and..." "I said, "Look, there's a place here..." And we had to say..." "The innkeeper had to come out and I say, "Innkeeper."" "I was about nine." ""Innkeeper, do you have any rooms for the night?"" "And he was meant to say, "No, but I've got a stable round the back."" "And he just said, "No" and walked off stage." "LAUGHTER" "And I said..."Maybe he's got some stables around the back."" "It was improv even then." "Improv - it was, actually." "I was nine." "I saw one where one of the kings brought the gift, it was gold, and he was handing it over and he just turned to the audience and said, "It's not real."" "Yeah, they're having winter celebrations and incorporating new characters to make them more modern." "According to The Times, they include..." "So, for two points, can anybody come up with a nativity story about all those?" "Not for two points, I'll do it for 500 quid." "Who do you think I am?" "It was reported that one school had a retelling of the nativity story modelled on which TV programme?" "Was it the X Factor?" "The X-MAS Factor?" "It wasn't that, no." "No, it was The Apprentice, with Alan Sugar playing the role of one of the three wise men." "Well, that's a bit of miscasting." "Yes." "His gift was a disappointing day at Brands Hatch." "Now, what other Christmas mayhem ensued last week?" "Oh, the Black Friday thing that we've imported from America." "A tradition that's been going on for now two years in this country." "MARK:" "As old as Christmas itself." "Yeah." "Traditionally, it's the day after Thanksgiving in America." "And we don't have Thanksgiving." "No." "It was ridiculous, I stabbed someone over a washing machine," "I couldn't believe I was doing it." "As I was doing it, I thought, "This isn't a real tradition."" "Shall we have a look at the mayhem when the doors opened?" "'In seconds, shoppers at this Asda store in north-west London 'were fighting for a bargain.'" "SHOUTING" "Stop it!" "Stop!" "This is a survey which shows that only one in three schools still holds a traditional nativity play." "It's ironic in this modern age to be moving away from a traditional nativity play when so many 15-year-old schoolgirls can actually bring in their own baby to play Jesus." "Time now for the Odd One Out round." "There's just one between you this week." "Fingers on buzzers." "John Lewis boss Andy Street." "A needle in a haystack." "A French tiger." "And Nicolas Sarkozy's dogs." "The only one I'm sure about in terms of what it's doing there is the French tiger." "There's been a tiger loose in the French countryside, so they're probably looking for that." "Needle in a haystack - if somebody hasn't found a needle in a haystack, it wouldn't be a story." "So somebody must have found a needle in a haystack." "So that's the finding of a needle." "Did they find the tiger?" "Not that I'm aware of yet." "Andy Street from John Lewis has bought a hat for the tiger for Christmas." "Which he's making out of a paper bag." "I know what the link is." "It's French." "Because the tiger is on the loose near Disneyland." "Yes." "But they haven't found it, you're right, it could be a bloke dressed up as Tigger." "That is an exhibition in a French art gallery." "Andy Street made some rude remarks about the French." "And Sarkozy IS French." "So "they're all French" is your odd one out?" "They're all the French except Andy Street, who was rude about the French." "Are we allowed to steal this or are we just doing it anyway?" "Very nearly..." "What?" "No, no, if they can't do it, we can jump in." "Yeah." "Don't worry about the rules, Mark." "You were quite close, Ian." "They've all cost the French money except Andy Street, the MD of John Lewis, who cost his company money in France." "He upset France recently by calling it... ..just as John Lewis was about to launch a French language version of its website." "A tiger was alleged to be on the loose near Disneyland Paris." "How do you know it's a French tiger?" "He's got an air of superiority about him." "But that doesn't mean anything." "It's shrugging its shoulders." "They always turn out to be rather large cats, don't they?" "They're always on Dartmoor." "What, do you think it's a bloke inside there?" "No, I mean about..." "Oh, I see, you're right." "A pussycat." "You're right, Joan, it turned out to be a big, overweight domestic cat." "With stripes." "Recently revealed that Nicolas Sarkozy got into trouble after dogs belonging to him and his wife Carla were responsible for damaging furniture at the Elysee Palace." "When they left, all the sofas and stuff were chewed and eaten." "And he claimed it was the dog." "LAUGHTER" "An Italian performance artist searched for a needle in a haystack in Paris last week, in the name of art, eventually finding it after 18 hours." "Here he is at work." "And he said of his art..." "Explains why he's talking out of his arse." "So yes, they've all cost the French money except Andy Street, the MD of John Lewis." "A tiger was spotted in Montevrain..." "Sorry, I'll get that again..." "A tiger was spotted in Montevrain near Disney..." "Oh, bollocks!" "Sorry, I'm not dyslexic, I've had tests." "And, um, and what they discovered is I'm actually quite thick." "When you...?" "No, you can move on once you've got a name for it." "A tiger was spotted in Montevrain, near Disneyland Paris, and to be fair, they do need a big cat there." "They've got a massive mouse." "It was recently revealed that whilst in the Elysee Palace, Nicolas Sarkozy's dog has caused thousands of pounds worth of damage to furniture." "Mr Sarkozy's Chihuahua is called... ..one of a pair that he bought from the Chuckle Brothers." ""To You" sadly died in a freak ladder accident." "It is time now for the Missing Words Round which, this week, features as its guest publication," "Match Label News, the Journal of the British Matchbox Label and Bookmatch Society." "For obvious reasons, this magazine is not available on Kindle." "And we start with..." "Gregory Parsehole." "JOAN:" "Michael Buerk." "Michael Buerk." "North Korea." "You're quite close." "South Korea." "China." "Kim Jong-un." "It's China." "Media watchdog in China." "They're fed up with dental appointments being at "2:30"." "The anti-pun law will be implemented early next year." "In other words, it will be a Chinese spring rule." "Get them out while you can." "Next..." "MARK:" "Game of "Name That Road"." "Is it Joan?" "!" "Yes." "Thank you!" "They're full of gallantry tonight." "I do know the answer and it isn't me!" "Go on, what is it?" "Y-fronts." "It is Y-fronts." "Congratulations, yes." "Is this the same pair?" "We have all got a pair like that, haven't we?" "Next..." "MARK:" "That's the last time I go drunk onto eBay." "The answer is..." "How somebody loses a false leg is always a bit of a..." "You'd think they would notice." "You'd think their limp would become more pronounced." "Another item of lost property left on a National Express coach was this Native American headdress." "It is believed the owner was travelling with five colleagues, including a policeman, a biker, a sailor, a cowboy and a construction worker." "The bus company tried to track them down but they had no idea where they might be staying that night." "Next..." "This is fragrance." "MARK:" "Of course it is!" "Women are instructed by ISIS to support their cause at home with feminine manual labour." "Although, frankly, if the men of ISIS were getting a bit more feminine manual labour at home, they may not be quite so angry all the time." "So next..." "Nobody knows my real name." "Nick Clegg, is it?" "As well as apologies for absence, the magazine also announces the sad death of one of their members." "In a moving service, his coffin was carried into the crematorium, struck against the wall and dropped onto the conveyor belt." "Finally..." "To join herd of cows in milk project." "One Direction?" "One Direction are here tonight." "They were in the dressing room next to me and they were warming up." "It is true." "I have heard one of One Direction singing scales." "It was terrible." "I was so annoyed by the noise coming through" "I started doing my own warm up." ""This is the Autumn Statement."" "How did you know it was One Direction?" "Cos there were quite a lot of girls outside and they said," ""It's One Direction in there."" "You initially thought the girls were for us but...no." "No, I didn't!" ""Tell us about the Corn Laws."" "Oh, yes!" "Well, we will start with Peel." "The company behind the mission is looking for..." "That's all you need on a voyage to Mars, stuck behind a bloody tractor." "So the final scores are..." "Ian and Mark have six and Paul and Joan have nine." "APPLAUSE" "No idea." "It is a mystery." "But before we go, there is just time for the caption competition." "There's a good joke here if I can think of it." ""I wanted coffee, you bitch."" "That's terrible!" "That's the one." "That's the one." "Put that one in, if you dare." "Next..." "This is the very popular Christmas present, My Little Schoolgirl." "Aimed at the pony market." ""I woke up this morning feeling a little hoarse."" "Would that be any good to you?" ""I asked for coffee, you bitch."" "On which note we say thank you to our panellists" " Ian Hislop and Mark Watson, Paul Merton and Joan Bakewell." "I leave you with the news that, in the box at the Royal Variety Performance, the Queen starts phase one of her plan to slip away unnoticed." "Heading home on his motorbike," "Bernie Ecclestone can't find his helmet and has to borrow someone else's." "And outside Tony Blair's house, the silence of a peaceful" "Sunday morning is shattered by a man with nothing else to do." "Good night."