" What are you doing?" " Go back to sleep." " It's 2:00 in the morning." " I know." "I was born at 2:01." "Yeah." "So?" "I'm watching myself turn 30." "Okay." "Let me ask you." "Does that look like lumps or on purpose?" "Yeah, like you people know from hollandaise." " Hi." " Hey, what are you doing here?" "I was just going to bring you breakfast." "Happy birthday." "Thank you." " What are you making?" " Your favorite." " French toast?" " No." " Waffles?" " No!" "I give up." " Eggs Benedict." " My favorite!" "Yeah." " Thank you." " You bet." " Happy birthday, you." " What is this?" "My mother." "Well, at least it's not ticking." " Why do you do that?" " Okay, fine." ""To my son's wife."" "It says that?" " Hello." " All right, but you know what?" "I think they come printed like that." "She didn't actually say that." "Hey!" " An answering machine." " Okay?" " What?" " You don't see it?" " I don't." " She calls here, you don't call back which means I never gave you the message because I'm flighty and self-involved, you never should have married me." " You got this from the box?" " Tell me I'm wrong." "You know what?" "It's your birthday, I will tell you tomorrow." "And that's not lumps." "That's on purpose." "What, like it's really going to be for you?" "Hey, you ready to go get the tickets?" " She doesn't know yet." " Know what?" "Nothing." "Let me get my wallet." "And here is a little something for the birthday girl." "Oh, thank you." " You like them?" " God, I love them." "Because if you don't, I got the salesgirl's phone number." "No, they're beautiful." "In fact, I'm gonna wear them to the party tonight." " What party?" " It's okay, Fran already told me." "Nice try." " Damn it." " What?" "What's damn it?" "She thinks you're having a surprise party." "I'm not." "I'm not having a party." " Good." " You didn't want a party." " I don't." " Because if you want to have a..." "What is...?" "You bought her shoes?" "Retail." " Listen, if you want to have a party..." " I don't." "The girls are going to give me this lunch, then you and I will do whatever." "Promise you won't make it a big deal." "Hey, fair enough." " You have a great morning." " I will." " Honey?" " Yeah?" "You can make it a little big deal." "Next." "You think I should have had the party?" " Yes." " Why?" "Because I'm freezing my ass off, that's why." "It's her birthday." "I want it to be perfect." "Pauly, a Broadway show, dinner at the Rainbow Room it sounds plenty perfect to me." " That's nice, right?" " Yes." " You told this guy best seats he's got?" " Don't worry, he owes me." " Yeah, how come?" " I stopped going out with his sister." "Then he owes you big." " Next, please." " Yo, yo, Ricky." "How's it going?" " Yeah, right." " Listen, this is my cousin Pauly." " You got those seats?" " A hundred-thirty bucks." " Ouch!" " Next." " What do you mean?" " You want them?" " Yes." "I was merely making a comment." " Don't." "Hey, nice guy." "Look at this." "H-1 and H-2." "Eighth row, right on the aisle." "H-1." "H-1 and two." "Did I do good or what?" " The second thing you said." " What?" "They're H-1 and H-2." "They're not together." " Sure, they are." " No." "Look at this." "H-1, 3, 5." "Here's 2, 4, 6." "Good." "So there's like 58 seats between us." " Look at that." " That's not good." "Give me the tickets." "Ricky?" "Rick?" "Ricky?" "There's sort of a problem." "I kind of sort of figured that maybe the seats would be next to each other." "You said the best I had, that's what I got." "Next." "No, no, no next." "Would you stop with the next?" "Look, what..." "Here's the thing, it's my wife's birthday." " You gonna look at her or the stage?" " The stage." "You planning on talking during the show?" " No." " So, what's the problem?" "Let me handle this." " Ricky, how's your sister doing?" " Why?" "I don't know, I was thinking of giving her a call." "All right." "Come back 20 minutes before curtain." "I'll see what I can do." "See real hard, Ricky, I got a waterbed." "Next." "Could you believe Donna?" "She was eating like a camel." "At least she does it in public." "Better than Wendy I'm-not-hungry slipping three sandwiches into her purse." "Her whole family is messed up." "I think her great-grandparents supposedly sold Anne Frank's parents the house they got caught in or something like that." "And to compensate, she's stealing finger sandwiches?" "What a psycho." " I'm gonna burst." " Just eat it." "Easy for you to say." "You're still in your 20s..." "That's right." "You're not anymore." "I hate your being 30." "You can't be 30." " Why not?" " Because that makes me 33." "Just think, like in 30 years, you'll be 60, and I'll be 66." " No, you'll be 63." " No." "Thirty and 30 is 60." "Thirty-three and 33 is 66." "You're right." "I'm thrilled to be 30." "I wouldn't do my 20s over again if you paid me." " You did your 20s great." " Yeah, you got it made." "Well, I'm unemployed and I have no idea what I want to do." " Neither do I." " Yeah, but you're used to it." " Thanks." "I'm keeping your present." " I'm sorry." "Okay." "What did Paul get you?" "I don't know." "I guess he'll give it to me at the party." " What party?" " It's okay, Ira already told me." " Nice try." " Damn it." " How come he didn't invite me?" " There's no party." "Nice try." "Man, this thing has 800 more features than our old machine." "Tell me my mother doesn't like you." " Too dressy?" " Maybe." "Depends what you would call dressy." "More than casual and less than formal." " What is casual?" " How do I dress without knowing where we're going?" " You wanted to be surprised." " My life's been a surprise." "I want a night off." " What does that mean?" " Nothing." "You want to make a message together?" "No, it's too cute." " How's this?" " Hey, wait." "Hi, we're not in." "Leave a..." "What the hell did I do?" "Honey?" "What?" "Okay." "You won't want to sit for so long in that." "Okay, so wherever we're going is someplace you sit." "Hey, anywhere in the world you go you have to sit." "Hey, try the other thing." " Which?" " The dress." "If you want to pick up your messages, let it ring once." "So if it answers, there's a message." "And if it rings two to four times, there's no message." "So that's good, right?" "Once, message." "Two to four, no message." "All right, then you hit seven to rewind." "Rewind, seven." "Three to save, and our code is 4-2-2." "Fine." "So it's easy to remember." "Just add a four to Dave DeBusschere's jersey." "Who?" "Hi, we're not..." "How did I get worse?" "Honey, let it go." " Hey, we gotta go." " How's my outfit?" "That's good." "That's perfect." "We gotta go." "Is it perfect, or perfect because we've got to go?" " Either way." " What about my hair?" "Bring it." "What if everybody else but me has dressy hair?" "Then they'll point and laugh." "Where is this train?" "We gonna be late." " Really?" " No, no." "Not late, late." "We're not gonna be late, late." "We're supposed to be there 20 minutes before we're supposed to be there." " I don't get it." " You're not supposed to." "Well, obviously, wherever we're going, it's someplace uptown." "Unless, I'm just taking you uptown to throw you off the scent." "I could do that." "Or, and this is not impossible, maybe we're going uptown to transfer to the downtown part." "Or..." "Then there's like the East Side, West Side issue." "You don't know what side..." "You know nothing." " I don't care what we're doing." " Okay." "No, I don't." "All I care is that we're doing it together." "Isn't that really very sweet, and still I tell you nothing." "Here we go." "Come on." " You okay, honey?" " I'm fine." " Honey?" " James?" "Sweetie?" " James!" " No, no!" "Wait!" "Honey!" "Hey!" " Hey!" " Hey!" " Hey, stop the train!" " It is stopped." "All right." "Don't start it!" "Honey!" " Honey?" " Okay, you wait there." "I ate where?" " You wait there." " Union Square?" "Yes!" "How do I get to Union Square?" "Okay, she's going to wait there." "Where you heading?" "Gotta go uptown, then I gotta go back downtown, pick up my wife." "It's her birthday." "You know, I was born in September." " Were you really?" " That's right." "The 23rd." "The 23rd." "Well, there you go." "That's a good day." "Hey." "Want to get a bite to eat?" "What...?" "You kidding me?" "Happy birthday." "Do you have change for a buck?" "Excuse me, do you have change for a dollar?" "It's for the phone." "I didn't change my mind or anything." "You guys are great." "You know, in fact, a whole buck." "Quarter out, buck in." "Okay?" "Okay." "Honey, it's me." "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." "We're going to the theater." "I'm taking you to see Tommy." "It's at the St. James Theater, 44th and 8th." "Meet me there." "What is that, soup?" "The code." "The code!" "What's the retrieval code?" "Four, and Dave the butcher's jersey?" "Excuse me." "Do you know Dave the butcher?" "Do you know Dave the butcher?" "I don't eat meat." "Hello?" " Ira, it's me." " Hey!" " How's the shoes?" " Fabulous." "Listen to me." "Paul and I got separated on the subway." "He told me to meet him at Union Square and he's not there." "So I guess he didn't tell me to meet him at Union Square." "He must have gone to where we're going, but I don't know where." "Nice try." " Ira, I'm not kidding!" " Yeah, yeah." "Where is he?" "In the bathroom?" "You are such a minx." " Would you just let..." " Happy birthday." " No, no!" "Don't hang up!" " Okay, bye!" "No, Ira!" " Ricky, hi." " Can I help you?" " Yes." " Paul, Ira's cousin." "Did you find two seats together?" "Matter of fact I had a cancellation." "Fifth row, center." " Great!" " I sold them ten minutes ago." "Why would you do that?" " You were tardy." " I was what?" "I told you to be here 20 minutes before." "Next!" "Come here!" "Security!" "It's my wife's birthday, okay?" "So..." "Security!" "Found it." "Thank you." "Honey, it's me." "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." "We're going to the theater." "I'm taking you to see..." "What?" "You're taking me to see what?" "Oh, God, I hate his mother!" "Paul!" "Paul!" "James!" " Paul, where are you?" " Where are you?" " Where are you?" " I'm at Tommy!" "Jamie, can you hear me?" "Honey, I've been running up and down the theater district for the last 15 minutes." " Didn't you get my message?" " Half of it." " Can we discuss your mother?" " We can discuss it, but not now, okay?" "We already missed the first 20 minutes." "You know the story?" " Yeah, sort of." " Tommy, he's a pinball wizard." "He's deaf, blind." "He doesn't hear, he doesn't see, but he doesn't tell." " We're missing it." " I'll see you at intermission." " Wait." "Where are you going?" " Didn't...?" "The seats aren't so much together." "Why did you do that?" "I didn't do that." "Ira's friend did." "Can we discuss Ira?" "Yes, we'll discuss my whole family, all the way back to Romania." " I don't want to sit not with you." " Neither do I. What should I do?" "Yell at somebody." " For what?" " Screwing up my birthday." " It's not screwed up." " It is." "How is it screwed up?" " It's not." " Okay." "Okay, let's just go in." "Okay." "That's what you went with?" "The black dress and Nikes?" "What is that, a problem?" "I don't know if that's dressy enough for later." "What's later?" "Dinner at separate restaurants?" "Is that nice?" "Why are you snapping at me?" "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." "Can we just go home?" " Why?" " Because this thing is too much trouble." "You know how much I went through to plan this?" " I'm sure you did." " I don't think you do." "You wanted me to surprise you." "I was going to give you this party, then you didn't want one." "So there's a week of my life." "Then I figured the Berkshires." "Then I figured not the Berkshires." "Then I figured we're in the city." "We can eat something, we can watch something." "So I decided theater, then I decided Tommy." "I narrowed it down to Tommy." "Then reservations at the Rainbow Room, and now what?" " You don't want to participate?" " Don't yell!" "I said I want to sit with you." "You going to watch me or the show?" " Paul!" " You going to talk during the show?" " No." " Why are you making me crazy?" "You know what?" "I'm going home." "We got dinner reservations." "Great." "Wonderful." "Let's go eat." "Not for three hours." " I'm going home." " Wait." "It's your birthday." "Well, tough on me." " Hey, you want to see a show?" " Thanks." "Yeah, don't mention it." "Hey, these aren't together!" "I'm really hoping that's your hand on my ass." "It is." "I'm not losing you again." " I'm sorry about tonight." " It's all right." "No." "I should have planned it better." "Two seats not together?" "Come on, who does that?" "Okay." " Okay what?" " Nothing." " Nothing what?" " No, never mind." " Fine." " Fine what?" " Are we talking here?" " Don't worry, I will act surprised." "Oh, there's no party." "Listen to me really carefully." "There is no party." "Well, that's good." "I didn't want one." "You don't want to do anything?" "You got a few hours left to your day." "Let's just go home." "I can break my new answering machine." "How did we get from a Broadway show and dinner to this?" "What?" "Wait a second." "Wait here, all right?" " I mean, literally, wait here." " All right." "Union Square." " Sure." " All right." "What are you doing?" "Come." "I got us two seats together." "Why do I know this?"