"Hey, guys." "My manager has a new greeting that he wants us to say, so..." ""Hello." "Welcome to Langford's." ""If anyone here is a health inspector, you are required by law to tell us."" "Anyone?" "No?" "Don't order the chili." "Oh, God, look who's here." "EISEN:" "Hey!" "Oscar Madison." "Rich Eisen." "Would you care to join us?" "We were just sitting here, enjoying our full heads of hair." "Nope." "I just came down to show you something outside." "Come on." "Take a look." "Hurry now." "TEDDY: "Rich Eisen, number one-rated satellite sports show."" "I also wanted it to say, "Oscar Madison is number two." "Suck it,"" "but there wasn't enough space." "Really?" "Looks like there's plenty of room on your forehead." "Just so you know, uh, that ad can also be seen on buses that drive by your apartment, your gym, and your mom's house." "How do you know where my mom lives?" "It's where we have sex." "(chuckles)" "Crossing a line, Eisen." "I should go." "This number one should take a pre-show shower to wash off the stench of all this number two." "Yeah, that didn't sound right." "All right, emergency staff meeting." " This just became a business lunch." " (groans)" "Seriously?" "Which means I'm paying." " Oh, that's fine by me." " Let's get down to business." "We need to do something to beat Eisen." "You know, shake things up." "Well, people do like funny characters." "We're not bringing back Señor Touchdown." "You sure?" "(Mexican accent):" ""It's a fumble."" "How about a remote broadcast?" "Like from a sports bar." "We could do it here." "That's not a bad idea." "Yeah, you're great at mixing it up with the callers." "Doing it face-to-face might even be better." "That's what I told Eisen's mom." "Which... would've been a better burn if he was here." "Well, let me set it up." "You'll be beating Eisen in no time." "Can you believe the nerve of that guy, coming down to Langford's to taunt me?" " I mean, Langford's is my house." " Right." "Hey." "Oh." "Oh, come on!" "♪ ♪" "CALLER:" "I'm just saying, you can never count the Red Sox out!" "Oh, please." "The Sox haven't had a player with anything between his legs since Bill Buckner." " CALLER:" "Geez, Madison..." " (laughter) why do you have such a problem with the..." "Now, that's enough out of you." "Strike three!" "You're outta here!" "(whooping)" "Coming up next, we'll talk baseball with former Met and good friend, Marcus Murphy." "But first... "Did you know" ""that one out of four men suffers from erectile dysfunction?"" "Emily, wonderful news." "My weekend photo shoot is canceled, which means you are cordially invited to 48 hours of sexy fun." "I hear that Felix the Great might be in town, using his magic wand to make your underpants disappear." "Cool." "Perhaps you'd prefer my other stage name," "David Cop-a-feel." "I'm sorry," "I'm distracted." "I just spent an hour pawing through the garbage, looking for a customer's dentures." "The pair I found?" "Not hers." "Look, Emily, I know that this is not your ideal job, but you're just doing this to support your jewelry making." "You're pursuing your dream, and I think that's glorious." "Thank you." "I needed that." "And I'm really looking forward to this weekend." "I just need to pop out on Saturday to have lunch with my mom." "Your mother's in town?" "Why didn't you tell me?" "You said that you were going to be busy." "And besides, isn't it too early for you to meet my mother?" "No, I would love to meet your mother." "And I'm sure she'll like me, too." "I bet she will be a real MILF." "Mother In Love with Felix." "(laughs)" "Okay, then." "I will tell her that she will be meeting my perfect boyfriend." "Oh, please, don't describe me as perfect." "Let her find out for herself." "(laughs)" "And we're back with The Oscar Madison Show, coming to you live from Langford's sports bar in New York City." "(cheering)" "Sports, sports, sports!" "Before I bring out my first guest, how about a question from the crowd?" "(Boston accent):" "Uh, yeah, uh, I didn't take too kindly to what you were saying about my Red Sox." "Oh, look, everybody:" "a Boston fan who's standing upright." "(laughter)" "That wasn't a question, pal." "Okay, here's one:" "which part of your face you want me to break, your nose or your nose?" "Oh, I see what we need here." "A translator." "Does anybody here speak Idiot?" "(laughter)" "It's a very specific dialect from the region of Duh." "(laughter)" "Screw you, Madison!" "Strike three, you're outta here!" "I said "strike three." Strike three!" "Strike three!" "Strike three!" "(audience exclaiming)" "WOMAN:" "Oh, my God." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, come on, pal, let's go, let's go, come on." "Yes, that's right, you get out of here!" "Before I introduce you to the violence that is Jivamukti Yoga." "Hey, buddy." "You all right?" "Let me help you up." "Ow, ow, my neck!" "How many people was that guy?" "All right, Dani, we can't have dead air." "Grab the mic and keep the show going." "What?" "Me?" "What do I say?" "Anything that gets us to the next boner pill commercial." "Just go." "Go!" "Okay, I'll try." "Uh, hello... hello." "I-I am Dani Duncan." "Um, for those of you listening, we just had a little scuffle." "That punk-ass Red Sox fan came at Oscar and shoved him to the ground." "Got the air knocked out of him like a Tom Brady football." "(laughter)" "Oh!" "Let's take a caller." "Hey, Maxine from Cleveland, what do you say, girl?" "♪ ♪" "(computer chimes)" "Ugh." "Hi, Mom." "Hello, Emily, it's your mother." "Can you see me?" "Yes." "Can you hear me?" "That's how I was able to answer your first question." "Oh, good." "Isn't this fun?" "It's like Star Wars." "Anyway, I'm just making sure that we're still on for lunch." "Yes, we are." "And actually, I will be bringing Felix... my new boyfriend." "A new boyfriend, how nice." "I just hope he doesn't turn out to be gay like your ex-husband." "(singsongy):" "Fingers crossed." "Have you heard from your sister?" "Yeah, she sent me a postcard." "I'm so glad you two are close." "It can't be easy having a sister who's a swimsuit model." "Hey, why don't I get that to show it to you?" "It's right next to my anti-anxiety meds." "Emily..." "Felix the Great has arrived!" "And he's here to magically remove your "abracada-bra."" "With the help of his trusty assistant Guillermo." "You must be the new boyfriend." "(screams)" "(screams)" " Was that your mother?" " Yes!" "Why didn't you tell me you were Skyping with her?" "You knew that Felix the Great was in town!" "He was going to magically transform one orgasm into two!" " JUDY:" "I can still hear you." " (both scream)" "Oh, she's going to be so upset!" "Oh, she's upset?" "Imagine how the rabbit feels!" "OSCAR:" "Dani..." "I just spilled and my neck won't let me wipe it up." "Fine." "But this better be the only thing you ask me to wipe today." "There he is!" "The man a focus group called" ""passionate," "informed"" "and "cowardly but in a funny way."" "What are you talking about?" "The satellite channel did some testing" " on your remote broadcast." " And?" "And people couldn't get enough of you." "And frankly, I'm not surprised." "I've always said that you are a once-in-a-lifetime talent." "Why are you buttering me up?" "Oh, come on." "I'm not buttering you up... you handsome bastard." "Okay, fine." "They really did love you." "But they also loved Dani." "Wow, you're not kidding." "Look what they said about her." ""Fun," "spunky," "a welcome addition to the show."" "Yeah, and that got me thinking... maybe you should make her an addition to your show." "What?" "I'm a solo act." "A lone wolf, if you will." "Okay, you can give her something small." "Like, let her do the scores at the top of the hour." "But I'm great at doing the scores!" ""Three to two." "Six to five." See?" "Okay, but Dani might give you that extra boost you need to beat Eisen." "Plus, she could free you up a few minutes so you could take a donut break." "Well, I do like donuts." "Ah..." "All right, sure, we'll give her a shot." " Great." "Should we tell her?" " No need." "Why not?" "Because I was eavesdropping!" "Oscar, thank you so much!" "I've always wanted to be on radio!" "I promise I will not let you down." "Don't mention it." "Did you get my coffee?" "I don't have time for that." "I got to practice." "Seven to one." "Eight to four." "Three to two." "Ooh, that was a close one." "Hey." "Hypothetical question." "You are a woman who has just seen your daughter's boyfriend naked." "Which suit best erases the image of said boyfriend's junk?" "Okay." "I'm going to tell you something, but before I do," "I want you to know that I care about you deeply." "Can we speed this up?" "'Cause I still have to do a salt scrub." "My mother does not want to have lunch with you." "Oh!" "No." "Wow." "She really is going to be so upset about such a little thing?" "Such a perfectly-proportioned thing?" "In fact, she thinks you're kind of a sex pervert." "Okay..." "I'm trying to think what other kind of pervert there is." "She said that you ruined magic for her." "And formal wear." "Mm-hmm." "And pigs in a blanket." "That's fine." "I just, I won't go." "No, sweetie, I..." "I want you there." "It's just that you don't know my mom." "It's so much easier if we just let this whole thing blow over." "It's, it's just frustrating." "I mean, how is she ever going to appreciate the breadth and scope of who I am if she's only seen a tiny part of me?" "Damn it, I did it again!" "Then I decided to take matters into my own hands." "So I grabbed my wood and jerked one into the seats." "If you're just joining us, that story was about baseball." "And now, let's welcome Dani Duncan with the latest scores." "Okay." "Uh, thank you, Oscar." "Only one day game today:" "the Mets beat the Marlins four to zero behind Matt Harvey, who said he enjoyed his RBI double almost as much as his complete game shutout." "OSCAR:" "Thank you, Dani." "And, Matt, just in case you're listening... since you like doubles so much, why don't you swing by my place?" "You can get to second base as soon as you walk in the door." "Okay, thank you, Dani." "(laughing)" ""Second base"..." "I get it." "That's a good one, Dani." "Thank you, Murph." "And we got the Cubbies going up against the Giants..." "Hey, Dani, did you ever play any sports?" "Actually, I played football in eighth grade." " No way." " Yeah, the pants made my butt look great, and I realized" "I really liked hitting people." "What's happening?" "Can someone tell me what's happening?" "Whoa, Dani." "Remind me not to get on your bad side." "Oh, Murph, I'd never play rough with you." "But if you scored a touchdown on me, you'd want to go for two." "You know I would." "I know you would!" "So, yeah, if it was up to me," "I'd scrap the whole Winter Olympics." "What is a luge anyway?" "Sounds like something you cough up into a tissue." "Thank you for your question, Steve." "Hey, thank you, Dani." "You know, I'm a long-time listener, but you are truly a breath of fresh..." "And that's our show." "I guess we'll never know what she's a fresh breath of." "Thanks for listening." "I'm Oscar Madison..." "And I'm Dani D. on the Threes." "And this has been The Oscar Madison Show." "Air... she's a breath of fresh air." "(chuckling)" "Is everything laminated?" "!" "Okay, she pushed it a little hard." "But she's gonna be great." "Oh, we are never doing that again." "Oh, come on, Oscar." "She's very entertaining." "And I'm sure we can get her to tone it down a little." "♪ Finally it has happened to me ♪" "♪ Right in front of my face ♪" "♪ My feelings can't describe it ♪" "♪ Finally. ♪" "(claps hands)" "Oh, oh!" "Oscar, look at her." "You should have her dance on your show." "It's radio, Murph." "I'll get some drinks to celebrate." "Oh, Oscar, that was so amazing!" "Thank you!" "Come on, this isn't a strip club." "You can touch." "Is everything all right?" "Well..." "Oh, my gosh." "Did I go too far in there?" "Did I talk too much?" "Did I ramble?" "I do tend to ramble." "Did I ramble?" "Yeah, you kind of did." "Oh." "I am so sorry." "It's-it's your show." "And if you ever, for one moment, feel like it's not working out, all you got to do is say, "Dani," "I'm not feeling it, and I want you off my show."" "Okay, Dani, I'm not feeling it, and I want you..." "You son of a bitch!" "You weren't supposed to say that!" "You literally just told me to!" "What you were supposed to say is "Great job, Dani." ""You finally got your big break, and you were good." ""This is one of the greatest days of your life," "I would never think of yanking this away from you!"" "In Oscar's defense, that is a mouthful." "I'm sorry, Dani." "But there's a reason it's called" "The Oscar Madison Show..." "Sponsored by Erectia." "You know what, you do what you got to do and I'm gonna do what I got to do." "Dani..." "Good-bye, Oscar." "This is Dani D., signing off for good!" "I didn't mean to... (door slams)" "♪ Finally it has happened to me ♪" "♪ Right in... ♪" "Where's Dani?" "She in the can?" "Sorry, one of the waitresses didn't show and my manager asked if I could do a quick under-the-table gum scrape." "Good news... found the dentures." "No." "I love watching my waitress daughter in action." "But I think it's a good time to discuss your life plan." "Yay, life plan talk." "Now, you know I love you, but is this really where you want to be?" "I admit it's not the most glamorous job in the world, but it's paying the bills while I pursue my dream." "Your jewelry thing?" "It's not a "thing."" "It's a business." "With a Web site." "And a name." "Blemily." "Bling by Emily." "Darling, anyone can make a Web site and smush two words together." "But do you really know any jewelry designers who are making a living?" "Especially those who are late-bloomers?" "Can we get a bottle of wine over here?" "Any color." "Just grab one." "I'm your mother." "I worry." "You're constantly broke." "You're scraping chewing gum for a living." "You're dating a sex maniac..." "Okay, you know what?" "I do want you to meet Felix." "So that you can see what it looks like when someone supports you and thinks that you're doing pretty darn great." "Can I borrow your phone?" "Because I haven't paid my bill, and my service has been temporarily suspended." "Good morning." "It's 3:00 p.m., but okay." "Make coffee." "That's not how it works." "Make coffee." "Why are you making coffee?" "Where's Dani?" "I don't know." "I haven't heard from her since she stormed off yesterday." "Well, have you reached out to her?" "Why should I reach out to her?" "She's the one who quit." "Mm, Oscar, Oscar..." "Oh, don't give me the triple." "Oscar!" "Oh, you gave me the triple!" "Let me tell you a little story." "A story that I like to call "Oscar, the Lone Wolf."" "Oh, I think I left a half a cup of coffee in the studio from last week." "Once upon a time," "Oscar was married to a beautiful she-wolf, and he was happy." "Leave me alone!" "Then she divorced him, and he cried and he cried, and he drank and he drank so much." "Oh, Oscar tried to convince himself that he was a lone wolf, but then his friend Dani the Dingo left and he was sad again." "Oh, that's not coffee anymore!" "But with the help of a wise fox named Felix, he realized he wasn't a lone wolf." "He was a lonely wolf." "(howls)" "Okay, we're done here." "You can't run from the truth." "Oscar, I think you're making a huge mistake." "You should reach out to Dani." "If the options are a show with her or a life without her, well, I think the choice is clear." "(phone buzzing)" "(gasps) Emily changed her mind." "I know what you're doing, Felix." "You're waiting me out." "Well, I can stay in here all night if I have to." "Hey, look, there's a ham sandwich in this jacket pocket." "(groans) That's not ham anymore." "Ah, good day." "I am moments away from meeting my sweetheart's mother, so I'm going to need a country bouquet, uh, with a base of daffodils, perhaps some white roses and maybe a whisper of Belgian baby's breath." "This is all we got." "(buzzing)" "Sold." "Oh!" "Is that a bee?" "I'm actually, I'm actually allergic to bees..." "Aah, I'm hit!" "Hey." "Aren't you Oscar Madison's little friend?" "Hello again." "Here I am, tough guy." "What are you gonna do?" "I'll tell you exactly what I'm going to do." "Well, where is he?" "You'd think he could at least be a punctual pervert." "Will you stop saying that?" "It's not like he's some monster." "(grunting)" "Oh, my God!" "Are you okay?" "(lisping):" "Yeah, yeah." "Just a, just a bee sting." "Sorry I'm late." "You must be Judith." "Nice to meet you." "These are for you." "So, this is Felix?" "Yes, Mother." "This is Felix Unger." "My boyfriend." "And I don't care what you think." "I think he's perfect." "Ah, you're drooling on my shoulder." "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." "And the best thing is, he thinks that I'm perfect, too." "That's right." "So he's gonna be around for a while." "Get used to this face." "So, are you seeing any shows while you're in the city?" "(knocking)" "Oscar." "So this is where you live." "I had a hard time finding the place." "The cop gave me directions." "And wished me luck." "(dog barking viciously)" "So can I come in, quickly?" "So, let me guess." "You couldn't find the button for the coffee machine?" "There's a button." "Look, I spoke to Felix today and... man, I am really not good at this." "What I'm trying to say is... (indistinct shouting)" "Shut up, Mr. Hamaji!" "(air horn blares)" "Please continue." "As I said, I'm not great with the emotional stuff, but what I just wanted to tell you was... (rumbling)" "What the hell is that?" "!" "It's the F-train!" "You get used to it!" "You'd better hustle." "The next train's in two minutes." "Okay, okay." "I'm a guy who has a hard time letting people in." "But the truth is, when you left..." "I felt sad." "Me, too." "Everybody says you make my show better, and you probably do." "And you definitely make my life better, so please come back and be part of both." "Oh, Oscar." "You make my life better, too." "Thank you." "Okay." "Now, you'll still need to be my assistant." "Absolutely." "And when you're on the air, you only read the scores." "What about my playful quips?" "People love my playful quips." "Okay, five per show." "(air horn blares)" "Ten per show, ten per show!" "Thank you, Oscar." "I'll see you tomorrow?" "See you tomorrow." "(siren wailing)" "Can I stay here till daybreak?"