"( audience cheering )" "( bell dings )" "( grunts )" " Come on, 107." " 86, what are you doing here?" "Gee, that's a terrible welt you have on your forehead." "Does it hurt?" "Yeah." "My wife gave it to me last night when I came home late." "Oh, Max, this boxing is a terrible cover." "What is it, Max?" "Is there an emergency?" "No, this is personal." "Do you have a minute?" " I have about three seconds." " ( bell dings )" "( garbled ) I'm sorry." " One, two..." " Listen, Schlermer, 99 and I are gonna be married." " Congratulations." " Yes." "We were wondering if you would like to be our best man?" "How about it?" "I'll be right back." "( grunts )" "Have you had a chance to think it over?" "Yeah." "And I'm flattered you picked me, Max." " I'll be happy to do it." " Oh, that's great." "You're a swell guy, Schlermer." "8, 9, 10." "You're out." "The winner!" "Radio host:" "And now for a look at the sports page." "Last night at Davis Arena, in the main event, Tiger Schlermer lost a decision to Pete "the Kid" Melnick and the Department of Sanitation." "After leaving the arena, he walked into an open manhole and suffered a concussion." "For those who say boxing is a dangerous sport, they should try walking in dark alleys." "His wife, when notified of the accident, rushed to the hospital and immediately" "( radio off )" "( calliope music playing )" " 86, what's up?" " Well, as you know, 99 and I are getting married pretty soon and I thought it might be nice if you were our best man." " Do you wanna do it?" " I'd like to, Max." "I" " Oh, come on, give me a break, Novak." " All right." " I'll be your best man." " Good." "Hey, a man has just been hit between the eyes with a baseball." "Uh, pardon me." "Could I speak to you for a minute?" "I'm sorry to bother you, 38, but I need your help." "I want you to be best man at my wedding." "( low male voice ) Me, Max?" "Don't say no, Harry." "I need you." "I don't know if I'll be finished with this cover assignment by then." "Besides, I thought that Simpson or Aldrich was gonna be your best man." "( falters ) Yes, well, they couldn't make it." "Oh, then, I'm really third choice." "Oh, no." "No no, not at all." "Actually, you're my first choice." "It's just hard to explain you to 99." " Oh, I don't know, Max." " Oh, come on, Harry." "You remember all the great times we've had together." "We're being watched." "Pinch me." " Pinch you?" " Otherwise, it'll look suspicious." " Why did you do that?" " You pinched me." "If I didn't react, it would've looked suspicious." " Will you do it?" " What time is the wedding, Max?" "I've got a show to do here Saturday night." " I'm featured." " It's Saturday afternoon." "Okay, Max." "I'm your man." " Oh, wait a minute, Karvelas." " Yeah?" "Tell me what you look like so I'll recognize you Saturday." "During the performance at the Follies Theater today," "Kitty Karvelas was kidnapped in full view of the audience by a group of men." "It is believed that pretty Kitty caught the eye of Abdul Lububdul Amir, Arab potentate, and is now en route to his harem." "Boy, is he in for a surprise." "( theme music plays )" "( sighs )" "Five of our top agents put out of commission in the last three days" "That's more than we've lost in three months!" "There has to be some reason behind it!" "The only thing we know for sure is that KAOS is responsible." " Why don't we use the X-22 computer?" " I've thought of that, 99, but somebody fed a deck of cards into it." "Now all it'll do is play poker with the CIA computer." "Can't you reprogram it?" "No, we can't do that, it's $32 behind." " I've sent for Hymie to help us." " Chief, Hymie's a robot." "I know that, 99, but he's equipped with a calculator bank to handle advanced computations." " You sent for me, Chief?" " Yes, Hymie." "We'd like you to give us a hand." "Uh, "give us a hand" is a figure of speech, Hymie." " We'd like you to help us." " These are the cards of the five agents who have been incapacitated within the space of three days." "I want you to tell us if there's any connection." "You feed these into your calculator bank." " ( rapid beeps )" " Ready?" "( mechanical register clicking )" " Sorry, it does not compute." " ( telephone buzzes )" "Hello, this is the Chief." "Oh, no, not Novak." "All right, thank you." " They got Novak." " Oh, no." " What's happening, 99?" " They got Novak." "Yes, I know." "I was with him." "That reminds me..." " Chief:" "What are you doing?" " I'm crossing Novak's name off my list." "What list?" "The list of men I asked to be my best man." "Max, this list is identical with that list!" "Chief, what are you doing with the list of my best men?" "Max, did you invite all these men to be your best man?" " That's it!" " That's what?" "That's it!" "That's the common denominator we've been looking for." "You asked six men to be your best man and all have met with foul play." "Mm, that is quite a coincidence, isn't it?" "It's more than a coincidence, Max." "It's a deadly plot!" "If you ask somebody to be your best man, it's a guarantee something will happen to him." "How come you never asked me?" "I always thought I was your best friend." "Yes, well, you are my best friend, Hymie, but you're a robot." "I need a best man, not a best thing." "I'm sorry about that, Hymie, but, well, you see, it wouldn't be legal the other way." "I need someone who can sign the marriage certificate and be a witness." "I can sign it, Max." "I can also make copies." "Max, I noticed you have the names of three agents on this list" " that I don't have on mine." " Those three I haven't asked yet." "He hasn't asked me yet, either." "Now why would KAOS want to do with every man you asked to be your best man?" "Why don't you ask Hymie, Max?" "That's a good idea, 99." "Hymie" " I accept, Max." " No, Hymie," "I wasn't going to ask you to be my best man." "I was gonna ask you why KAOS is after every man that I ask to be my best man." "Just a minute, Max." "( rapid beeps )" "( mechanical register clicking )" "KAOS wants you to ask someone you haven't asked yet." "Then that must be one of the three men on that list." "Holloway, Prewitt or Finch." "And you think one of them is a double agent?" "As much as I hate to think that, we have to consider the possibility." "But, Chief, why would KAOS want one of their men to be Max's best man?" "I don't know." "Max, what are the duties of your best man?" "I can tell you." "Responsibilities of the best man are to rent the tuxedos for the wedding, engage the limousine" " Tie the cans in back of the car." " He's also responsible for making the arrangements for the groom's bachelor party." "Of course, Chief-- the bachelor party!" "That's it, the bachelor party." "Of course, the bachelor party." "Why didn't I think of that before?" "The bachelor" "What else could it be but the bachelor party?" "99, what about the bachelor party?" "Don't you see, Max?" "If a double agent is your best man, then he's gonna make sure everyone at the bachelor party is a CONTROL agent, and if everyone at the bachelor party is a CONTROL agent, think of the opportunity to wipe out the whole Washington staff." "We've gotta find the double agent so we can see who's behind all this." "Sure, that's easy for you to say." "It's got to be one of the three men on this list." "I'll have counterintelligence commence a top-four security check on those three men immediately." " But that'll take days!" " We've got no choice!" "Wait a minute." "I know how to find out who the double agent is." " How, Max?" " I'll ask all three men on the list, and the one that nothing happens to, that will be the guilty party." "Max, two innocent men might get hurt that way." "Not if I ask the guilty one first." "( telephone ringing )" " Yeah?" " Hello, Holloway." "Maxwell Smart here." " Are you asleep?" " Yeah." "Sorry about that, Holloway." "Ordinarily, I'd come over to your place to ask you this, but I have my reasons for asking you on the phone." "What is it, Max?" "How would you like to be best man at my wedding?" "I thought Simpson was gonna be your best man." "Yes." "Well, he was, but he couldn't make it." "Oh, then, in that case, I'd be delighted." " Good night, Max." " You don't sound too delighted." "I find it hard to be delighted at 4:00 in the morning." "Yes." "Well, now that you've accepted, Holloway," "I think there are a few things that you should know." " ( doorbell dings )" " Oh, just a second, Max." "Somebody's at the door." "Humph, the nerve of some people-- disturbing him at 4:00 in the morning." "( gunfire )" "Max's voice:" ""Dear Prewitt," "Ordinarily I'd come over to your place and ask you this in person, but I have my reasons for handling this by letter." "How would you like to be best man at my wedding?"" "I thought Simpson was going to be his best man." ""Simpson was going to be my best man, but he can't make it now." "Therefore, since you are one of my closest friends, it would please me greatly to have you accept." "Please let me know your answer by return mail, as this is most urgent."" "Prewitt's voice:" ""Dear Max," "I am flattered by your invitation and I'm pleased to accept." "Yours truly..."" "Max's voice:" "Testing-- one, two, three, four." ""Dear Finch, ordinarily I'd come over to your place and ask you this in person, or I'd call you on the phone, or even send you a letter, but I have my reasons for doing things this way." "How would you like to be best man at my wedding?"" "I thought Simpson was going to be best man." ""No, Simpson couldn't make it." "If you decide to accept, please go to the window and wave your arm three times." "If you do not appear, I will have to conclude that you don't wish to be my best man, or that you don't have a tape recorder." " You wanted to see me, Chief?" " Yes, I did." "You had absolutely no right to ask Prewitt, Holloway and Finch to be your best man without first asking my permission." " Let's look at the bright side, Chief." " What bright side?" "!" "Now we know that none of those men were double agents." " Hi, Max." " Hi, 99." "Here we go, Chief." "It's the top-four security report on Holloway," "Prewitt and Finch-- none of them were double agents." " We know that, 99." " Oh." " That looks good." " It is." "There's an ice-cream truck downstairs that's giving away free samples." " You want a bite?" " No, thank you." "How about you, Chief?" "Would you like a bite?" "Take that away from my face and don't drip any on the rug!" "Max:" "I already did, Chief-- both flavors." "Oleg, how's it going?" "Excellent." "They're coming in loud and clear." "Now close the door." "Oleg, when I close door, does the light go out?" "There are no more names on the best man's list and we still don't know who the double agent is!" "Well, maybe there are some names on my other list, Chief." " What other list?" "!" " My list of ushers." "I'll go ask." " Forget it!" " That's what I say, Chief, forget it." "I'm not gonna lose any more men." "Hymie is gonna be your best man." " He's a robot, he can't be harmed." " But, Chief" "No buts about it!" "Hymie is going to be your best man!" "But." "Stanislaus, success." "They finally chose who we want to be best man." "Excellent." "Now we can move the truck to another street." " What for?" " Business stinks on this corner." "( screams )" "Here he comes." "( hums )" "Excuse, please." " Perhaps you could help us?" " I'd be very happy to help you." "You see, this man here wants a fudgicle." "However, the fudgicle's in the far corner from freezer." "You have long arms." "Maybe you could reach it?" "I will try." "I've got it!" "And we've got you!" " Quick, let's go." " What about my fudgicle?" " Morning, Chief." " Morning, Max." " Is Hymie here yet?" " No." "Well, that's funny." "He was supposed to drop by the hotel this morning and go over the final arrangements for the bachelor party and then meet me here." "You're not having your party at the hotel, Max." "I can't allow that many top agents together in one hotel." " It's too risky." " But I told the manager that we'd pay for anything that they break." "That's not what I'm talking about, Max." "It's a security risk!" "You're having your party at the CONTROL Banquet Room." "Aw, gee, Chief." "That doesn't sound like any fun at all." "Why not?" "I'll match our facilities against any hotel in town." "And we have very competitive prices." " How much is the hotel charging you?" " $2.50 a head." " How many people are coming?" " 40." "( mumbles ) I can get you in here for $3 a head." "That's 50¢ more than the hotel is charging me!" "But I'm providing the music-- the CONTROL Rhythmaires!" "But, Chief, what do we want with an orchestra?" "I mean, this is a stag party-- we're not gonna dance!" "All right, I'll throw in the cake, the one that" "Agent 38 comes out of the cake." " I don't think I would like that." " Why not?" "It's just not the same when a guy pops out of a cake." "Have you seen 38 in a bikini?" " Here's your Fudgecicle." " Thank you very much." " Where am I?" " Whoo!" "What am I doing here?" "Now we get down to nitty-gritty." "We have proposition to make you." "What kind of a proposition?" "Well, tomorrow night at the bachelor party for Smart, we want you to blow up all the CONTROL agents." "I cannot do that." "I am no longer a KAOS robot." "I now work for CONTROL." "What got into you, robot?" "When you worked for KAOS, you used to kill and "Hello Dolly."" " "Hello Dolly?"" " Oh, yeah, I got the wrong show." "( hums ) "Mame"!" "You used to kill and maim!" "That was before CONTROL programmed me for goodness and niceness." "I will not do anything evil." "Listen, all we want you to do is to blow up a nice little bachelor party." "I'm sorry, but now I am programmed for goodness and niceness." " I will not do anything evil." " Both: "Do anything evil."" "We know, we know." "Stanislaus, come here!" "Look, we already have asked him to destroy 40 agents, and he has flatly refused." "Enough being nice." "( humming )" "( crackling )" "You have killed him!" "No, I have not killed him." " I have merely short-circuited him." " Oh." "Now we can plant the bomb inside him and set it to go off at the party at exactly 10:00." "But will he not know the bomb is inside him?" "He will not remember anything!" "I will adjust his memory banks and erase this entire incident from his mind." "Now, where is the bomb?" "I've hidden it in one of the ice-cream cartons so no one will find it." " Which carton?" " The one marked "bomb."" "(slow music playing )" " ( music stops ) - ( only the Chief claps)" "Thank you, thank you." "Now the band will take a five-minute break." "( cheering and applause )" "Every CONTROL agent in Washington showed up, Max." " It's a great party." " Yes, thanks to you, Hymie." "If it hadn't been for you, this could have been a bomb." "Don't I get any credit?" "After all, I'm responsible for the music," " and the decor and the cuisine." " The food is great, Chief." " What is that stuff on a shingle?" " Creamed chipped beef." "As a matter of fact, I'm gonna get some more before it's all gone." "It's 9:55, Max." "I think we should show the movies now." " Movies?" " Yes, Max" "I understand that's what they usually do at bachelor parties-  show films." " Oh... what, what have you got, Hymie?" "It took a little doing, Max, but I managed to get these." ""'Down the Colorado River by Kayak."'" ""'The Wonderful World of Zinc,' and 'Holland, Land of Dikes and Tulips."'" "Don't you think these are a little bawdy for this crowd?" "If you'll make the announcement, Max," " I think we should get started." " Hmm." "Here, Max, let me try." "( bomb ticking )" " What was that?" " What was what?" "Lower the microphone." "( loud ticking resumes )" "It's coming from your gearbox." "Your mechanism never made that sound before." "Open it up." "Let me take a look." "Mm, just as I thought-- it's a bomb." "A bomb?" "!" " Max, what's happened?" " There's a bomb planted in Hymie." " It's set to go off in five minutes." " You'd better get the men" " out of here quickly." " Right, Hymie." "Chief, start the movies." "Max, any sudden movement might set the bomb off." "You're right, Chief." "I'd better tell everybody to stand still and not make any sudden movement." "( loud clanking )" "Uh, gentlemen?" "Gentlemen, can I have your attention, please, for a moment?" "Having a good time?" "( laughs )" " Max!" " Chief, you just can't come right out and tell them." "You've gotta ease into it." "Max, they're CONTROL agents." "They're used to danger." "They won't panic!" "Chief, I think I should open with a joke." "Max, tell them." "Uh, gentlemen, I don't exactly know how to tell you this, but there's a bomb planted in Hymie." "( all screaming )" "I told you I should've opened with a joke." "Everybody stay right where you are-- that's an order!" "I'm ashamed of this display of panic and lack of loyalty to a fellow agent." "You're ready to desert this agent who time and time again has risked your life for yours." "You, Bannister, if it weren't for Hymie, you wouldn't be alive today." "And you, Carmichael, you also owe your life to Hymie." "And that goes for half of you men in this room." "Now I'm gonna forget what I just saw." "That's all I have to say." "( screaming )" "Max, what happened?" "The Chief wouldn't let me open with a joke." "KAOS planted a bomb in Hymie." "We've got less than two minutes to dismantle it." "There's no need for you to endanger your lives." "I'll just go out in back to the parking lot and blow up." "Wait a minute, Hymie." "I can't let you do that." "My car is out there." "You can't sacrifice yourself, Hymie." "You're too good an agent and too dear a friend." "If I could see the bomb, I could dismantle it." "You show us how, and we'll do it!" "Chief, this'll only take two of us." "There's no point risking another life, especially when that life is responsible for the entire CONTROL organization." "Isn't that right, Max?" "It certainly is, 99, but I think I should stay around anyway and help." "Now let's get started." "99, you get some silverware." "Hymie, tell us what to do." "We've only got a minute left." "They must've connected the bomb to my sensor mechanism." "Is that your sensor button?" "No, that's my bellybutton." "My sensor button's up a little higher." "Is that it?" " That's it, Chief." " Unscrew it and remove the wire." " Butter knife." " Butter knife." " Shrimp cocktail fork." " ( whimpers )" " Shrimp cocktail fork." " 99?" " Yes, Max." " Shrimp off." " Shrimp off." " Hurry, there's half a minute left." "Now that you've loosened the wire, place something between it and the bomb to act as insulation." "I'll need something soft for that." " 99?" " Max!" " Give me a piece of rye bread." " ( sighs ) There's only pumpernickel." "Hymie, I'm sorry, there's no more rye bread left, just some nice fresh pumpernickel." "Pumpernickel will be just fine." "Max, there's only 10 seconds left." "Now if you can loosen the clamp underneath," " you should be able to remove the bomb." " Spoon." " Dessert or soup?" " Table." "Tablespoon." " Ice tongs." " Ice tongs." "Five seconds, Max!" "Four seconds." " I've got it, Chief." " Okay, get rid of it." "( whimpers )" " Close the door!" " Right, Chief." "( explosion )" "Max, are you all right?" " Missed me by that much, Chief." " ( groans )" "What are all these papers?" "Oh, Max, that was-- those were secret papers of CONTROL." "Well, why didn't you tell me, Chief?" "I couldn't, Max." "It was a secret!" "99, you don't happen to have a bottle of glue on you, do you?" "( theme music playing )"