"[Scary instrumental music]" "[School bell rings]" "[Bart and Lisa cry out in pain]" "[Marge and Maggie beep horns]" "[Homer grunts in pain]" "I don't get it." "They should be here by now." "JASON:" "What are you gonna do?" "[Scary instrumental music continues]" "Good lines." "Nice balance." "Let's see how she handles." "Tame it, baby." "Yo." "Ring her up, dude." "You cannot smoke in here." "Please, the sign is clearly posted, sir." "[Coughing] Oh, God!" "You smokers disgust me." "Pu, you got a breakfast cereal for people with syphilis?" "Hands up, scuzzbag!" "No, not you." "The smoking scuzzbag." "Yo, chill out, dude." "I'll pay the fine." "Not this time you won't." "This is your third strike." "First you torched that orphanage, then you blew up that bus full of nuns." "That was self-defense!" "You'll be seeing lots of nuns where you're going, pal." "Hell!" "Because the penalty for strike three is death!" "You'll never make it stick, dude." "Will, too." "Because this place is full of witnesses." "Apu, that scuzzbag Moe." "I'm not going to forget this, dudes." "I'm going to totally kill both of you." "And don't forget Bart Simpson." "He's a witness, too." "Right, Barty?" "You are so dead, little dude." "Thanks a lot, Chief." "You kids crack me up." "Hi, I'm Ed McMahon." "Tonight, on Fox... from the producers of When Skirts Fall Off... and Secrets of National Security Revealed... it's World's Deadliest Executions." "Making his first appearance on our show... here's Snake!" "[Audience boos, angry chatter]" "Thank you, chickie pies." "The chair?" "How come they only do crucifixions during sweeps?" "ANNOUNCER:" "Snake played lacrosse at Ball State University." "So long, Snake." "You'll never harm another person with secondhand smoke." "[Buzzing and painful groans]" "[Coughing]" "Dude!" "[Audience cheers and applauds]" "All right!" "Now let's get this carcass over to the hospital, and carve it up for organs." "Dibs on the liver!" "[Telephone rings]" "[Whoops with joy]" "Marge, they found a donor." "I'm saved." "Boy, you're getting this transplant just in time, Homer." "This is genuine human hair." "This is legal, right?" "Yeah, sure." "Whatever." "These drugs will make the operation seem like a beautiful dream." "[Drunkenly] Hi, everybody." "[Doctor hums]" "[Suspenseful instrumental music]" "Who wants to see their sexy new daddy?" "[Gasping in surprise]" "LISA:" "Yes!" "Wow!" "If your fly weren't open, you'd look just like Roger Moore." "[Mumbling in sleep]" "[Eerie instrumental music]" "[Dramatic instrumental music] [ln Snake's voice] Later, chickie pie." "Oo-la-la, Simpson!" "What can I do for you and your new do?" "[ln Snake's voice] You sent me to the chair." "Snake?" "But you're dead." "[ln Snake's voice] I know you are but what am I?" "No!" "And the fluffy kitten played with that ball of string all through the night." "On a lighter note, a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered." "HOMER [Gasping]:" "Oh, my God!" "BART:" "I can't believe this." "That's horrible." "Who'll run the Kwik-E-Mart?" "[Slurping noisily]" "I'm afraid we have no leads." "But I can safely say Apu did not suffer." " Looks to me like he suffered a lot, Chief." " Jeez, Lou." "How long were you gonna let me keep drinking this thing?" "Who'd do such a thing?" "[Jazzy music plays]" "MOE: 'Morning, Homer." "You're looking unusually focused this morning." "[ln Snake's voice] Shut your squeal hole, booze jockey." "I'm gonna, like, totally waste you." "Somebody's a grumpy gus." "MOE:" "What?" " Yoink." " For crying out loud." "Another of Springfield's beloved citizens was murdered today." "Filthy old bartender Moe Szyslak has watered down his last highball." "Everyone Snake swore revenge on is being murdered!" "It's as if he's killing from beyond the grave!" "I told you capital punishment isn't a deterrent." "Don't you get it?" "He swore to kill me, too!" "I'm next!" "Don't worry." "I'll protect you... [ln Snake's voice] little dude." "There." "Now no murderers can get in..." "[Scary instrumental music] [ln Snake's voice] or out." " Dad?" " You are so dead." "No!" "Come here, you little..." "[Krusty doll laughs]" "KRUSTY DOLL:" "Stop it." "You're killing me." "[Bart yells]" "My school picture!" "Daddy would like a word with you, Barty." "Help!" "Dad's trying to kill me!" "It's hammer time, Snitchie." "That's Snake's voice." "Of course!" "The transplant!" "Somehow Snake's hair must be controlling..." "Please, Lisa!" "Everyone's already figured that out." "[Bart whimpers in terror]" "You've got to fight the hair, Dad." "[ln Homer's voice] But I look so youthful and hunky." "[ln Snake's voice] The kid's gotta die." "[ln Homer's voice] But I love my son!" "[ln Snake's voice] More than a lush head of hair?" "[ln Homer's voice] Don't make me choose!" "[Snake laughs evilly] [ln Homer's voice] No!" " I love you, Son." " I love you, too, Dad." "[Muffled screams]" "BART:" "Get it off!" "HOMER:" "I'll show you, hair!" "BART:" "That's my face, you idiot!" "HOMER:" "Idiot?" "Why you little..." "[Bart gasps for air]" "Don't you..." "I'll kill you!" "Homer Simpson, you're under arrest... for the murders of Moe Szyslak and Apu Nahasa... pasa..." "Just Moe." "It wasn't me!" "It was the hair!" "Freeze, hairball!" "Now that's what I call a bad hair day." "May I remind you that two people are dead?" "Wait, I just got it." "CHIEF WIGGUM:" "Bad hair day." "[Scary organ music]" "[Audience gasps after explosion]" "Tonight I'm going to suck... your blood!" "Okay, get ready for the violentest... disembowelingest, vomit-inducingest..." "Itchy  Scratchy Halloween special ever!" "What the..." "Sorry." "But if I let you watch one of these gruesome Halloween cartoons..." "I'd be a pretty lousy mother." "[Groans of disappointment]" "Why don't you come trick or treating with Maggie and me?" "Nah, it's too early." "I need to work under cover of darkness." "Homer, you're not going as a hobo again?" "[Chewing loudly] Going where?" "Well, we're leaving." "And remember, no itchy  Scratchy." "I better take these batteries just to be sure." "[Singing the blues] Momma took those batteries" "She took 'em away" "Momma took those batteries size double A!" "There's got to be some batteries in here somewhere." "Bart, that's plutonium!" "It's highly unstable." "Don't you ever get tired of being wrong?" "[TV buzzes and vibrates]" "Trick or treat?" " What's wrong with the TV?" " Color's screwed up." "[TV buzzes eerily]" " Cool!" " Bart, quit it!" "Lise, we're characters in a cartoon." " How humiliating." " Look." "Why are you laughing?" "They're laughing at your pain." " That's mean." " Let's teach them a lesson!" "A cartoon ax." "I love it." "[Both screaming]" "Help, police!" ""To protect and sever."" "How are Bart and Lisa gonna get out of this one?" " Sorry." " It happens." "Wiggedy-wiggedy!" "Poochie's in the house!" "We're done for, Bart!" "Not if I know cartoons." " That was close." " Bart?" "Not now, Lise." "I'm trying to relax." "[Bart and Lisa scream]" "Boring." "I'm telling you this cilantro really gives it a zing!" "Reg, there's no cilantro in it." "Man alive!" "This soup is out of control!" "My eyes!" "My beautiful eyes!" "That's it!" "I'm going home!" "Dom DeLuise can interview himself!" " Itchy's house." "This is where we came in." " Look." "Dad, you got to get us out of here!" "Use the remote!" "Okay." "Let's see." "Pause..." "Three..." "No..." "[Both] Ten!" "Hurry, Homer!" " That is gonna hurt tomorrow." " Dad, push "Exit"!" "Lisa, look out!" "A skeleton!" "[Giggles] Look how cute they are." "[ltchy squeaks]" "HOMER [Laughing]:" "Look at him go." "[Romantic instrumental music]" "You're beautiful." "Somebody's in love." "That means you'll have to be neutered." "SCRATCHY:" "No!" "[Eerie instrumental music]" "Here comes the flying saucer." "[Maggie walls]" " What's wrong with Stinky?" " She's teething." "Look, her very first baby tooth." "BART:" "Disgusting." " I just lost my appetite." " Me, too." "Wait." "Mine came back." "I know how to cheer you up." "This little piggy went to Kwik-E-Mart." "This little piggy went nuts." "This little piggy went surfing." "And this little piggy went..." "Look, Marge!" "Maggie lost her baby legs!" "Oh, my God!" "[Gasping in fright]" "Homer, do something." "The ceiling's not a safe place for a young baby." "[Sighing] All right, I got it." "Come on." "Get off the..." "[Homer yells in pain]" "HOMER:" "Bad baby!" "She's entering the terrible two's all right." "It's probably nothing." "But we just wanted to be sure." "Is there anything you can prescribe, Doctor?" "Fire." "And lots of it." "That's your cure for everything." "[Birds chirping]" "Poor Maggie." "If only you could tell us what's happening to you." "[High-pitched eerie music]" "Commander Kang, receiving transmission from Infant Pod 13." "Holy flirking shnit!" "What's the message?" "Larval stage completed." "Standing by for orders." "Experiencing terrible rash." "Over." "Treehouse of Horror set coordinates for the obscure T-shirt-producing planet... known as Earth." "It's time I paid a visit... to my daughter!" "ANNOUNCER:" "We'll return with How Dracula Got His Groove Back." "Hello." "Oh, great." "Mormons." "Actually, we're Quantum Presbyterians." "And we've come to see my daughter!" "[Dramatic instrumental music]" "Oh, Lord!" " I was hoping this day would never come." " What are you talking about?" "You mean you never told him?" "I guess I've been in denial." "Kang is Maggie's father." "You intergalactic hussy!" "How could you?" "Was he better than me?" "It all happened about two years ago." "There I was, having a great time in the backyard... when, without warning, I was abducted by aliens." "KODOS:" "Warning!" "Prepare to be abducted!" "[Eerie instrumental music]" "Congratulations." "You have been selected for our crossbreeding program." "To put you at ease, we have recreated... the most common spawning locations of your species." "You may choose either the backseat of a Camaro... an airplane bathroom, a friend's wedding... or the alley behind a porno theater." "I absolutely refuse to go along with this." "But since I have no choice, I'll take the alley." "[Seductive instrumental music]" "Initiate fertilization procedure." "[Big yawn]" "You look lovely this evening." "Have you decreased in mass?" "MARGE [Voiceover]:" "I tried to resist... but they applied powerful mind confusion techniques." "Look behind you!" "Insemination complete." "Really?" "That seemed awfully quick." " What are you implying?" " Nothing." "Look at the time." "I'd love to stay, but I have an early meeting tomorrow." "You're a super girl, though." "I'll call you sometime." "Nine months later, I gave birth to Maggie." "And now she must return home to Rigel Seven... where she will be guaranteed a lucrative civil service job for life." " We can't compete with that, but..." " But nothing!" "Get your slimeless hands off her." "People, space monsters!" "This is going nowhere." "There's only one man who can settle an argument this bizarre." "AUDIENCE [Chanting]:" "Jerry!" "Jerry!" "Okay, we're back." "How'd it feel to learn your baby was fathered... by a drooling space octopus?" "It made me angry, Jerry." "Angry and tired." "You're about to get a lot angrier... because we have the extramarital extraterrestrial backstage... in a soundproof booth where he can't hear us." "I hear all." "Ladies and gentlemen, meet Kang." "[Audience cheers and applauds]" "[Audience boos]" "Why you two-timing...!" "I'm gonna...!" "Well... hyperbolic paraboloid... on your mama!" "I got a question for that gross thing, whatever it is." " Homer." " No, the green dude." "If you're that baby's daddy, where've you been at?" "You know, somebody needs to learn your green ass some responsibility." "Now hold on, Kang." "You can't bully my audience with your fancy ray gun." "[Audience screams]" "And now for my final thought:" "Nobody wins when parents put their petty squabbles... above the welfare of a child." "Let's hope they put their differences aside and do what's best for Maggie." "What the...!" "Get the... baby off!" "Son of a...!" "[Talk show theme music plays]" "I'm so... embarrassed." "I can't believe it." "Jerry Springer didn't solve our conflict." "And now he's dead." "Anyhoo, this is your last chance." "Turn over the baby now." "Or we will destroy all your leaders in Washington." "You couldn't destroy every politician." "Just watch us." "[Aliens laugh]" "HOMER:" "Don't forget Ken Starr!" "Suckers!" "Come on, Maggie." "Let's go home." "[ln deep alien voice] Very well." "I'll drive." "[Laughs evilly]" "MAGGIE [ln deep voice]:" "I need blood." "[Eerie version of The Simpsons theme song plays]" "REGIS:" "My eyes!" "My beautiful eyes!" "English SDH" "[School bell rings]" "[Whistle blows]" "[The Simpsons theme song continues]" "[Playing theme song off-key]" "[Lisa plays jazzy sax solo]" "HOMER:" "D'oh!" "[All sigh with relief]" "Open wide for some soccer!" "[Lively music precedes explosion]" "ANNOUNCER:" "The Continental Soccer Association is coming to Springfield!" "It's all here: fast kicking, low scoring." "And ties?" "You bet!" "Dad, how come you've never taken us to see a soccer game?" "I don't know." "ANNOUNCER:" "You'll see all your favorite soccer stars... like Ariaga..." "Ariaga II..." "Bariaga, Aruglia... and Pizzoza!" "I've never heard of them." "ANNOUNCER:" "And they'll all be signing autographs." "This match will determine which nation is the greatest on earth:" "Mexico or Portugal!" "[Explosion]" "Can we go, Dad?" "Please?" "Yes!" "Oh, God, yes!" "[Stirring instrumental music]" "I'll kill myself if Portugal doesn't win." "It's hard to believe this used to be an internment camp." "Paella Man!" "Wing one up here!" "Look, it's Pelé!" "[Crowd cheers and trumpets blow]" "Pelé is king of the soccer field." "To be king of your kitchen, use Crestfield Wax Paper." "[Crowd cheering and yelling]" "HOMER:" "Boring!" "Come on, you snorers!" "Do something!" "Halfback passes to the center." "Back to the wing." "Back to the center." "Center holds it." "Holds it." "Holds it." "Halfback passes to center!" "Back to wing!" "Back to center!" "Center holds it, holds it!" "I can't bear this any longer." "I'm leaving." "Yeah, not before me, you ain't." "Now, there's plenty of exits for everyone." "That's it." "You're dead, pal!" "That's uncalled for." "Shut your hole, Skinner!" "[Crowd gasps in shock]" "You call this a soccer riot?" "Come on, boys." "Let's take 'em to school!" "[Chanting and noisy fighting]" "Homer, we've gotta get out of here." "But I want to do some rioting." " Jobbers cobknots, ya mucker!" " All done." "[Crowd screaming]" "[Sirens heard in distance]" "What began as a traditional soccer riot... has escalated into a citywide orgy of destruction." "Reacting swiftly, Mayor Quimby has declared mob rule." "So, for the next several years, it's every family for itself." "Excuse me, sir." "I think you've got my TV." "Sir?" " Somebody's gotta stop them!" " Let's wait till they burn the school down!" "Oh, my God!" "Homer, they're right next door." "Relax, Marge." "If someone tries to get in here, my burglar alarm will let us know." "[Doorknob rattles]" "Watch the fish, Marge." "[Marge grumbles]" "Looks like you called me just in time." " This home isn't secure at all." " What did I tell you, Marge?" "Intruders could come in down the chimney... through the mail slot, even hidden in your groceries." "[Dramatic instrumental music]" "Did you change the locks when you moved in?" "I thought not." "All the previous owners could still be in here somewhere." "What do you recommend?" "A lot of companies would put in a pretty system that looks good..." " but doesn't provide any protection." " Let's get that!" "If you want to sleep easy..." "I recommend sealing every door and window with bulletproof Lucite." "Wouldn't we all suffocate?" "Well, I should hope not." "Let's get that, the suffocation thing." "And you can have it all for just $500." "$500?" "Forget it!" "Surely you can't put a price on your family's lives." "I wouldn't have thought so either, but here we are." "Homer, we need something to protect this family." "I couldn't agree more, Marjorie." "You deserve peace of mind." "And peace of mind is what you shall have." "I'd like to buy your deadliest gun." "Aisle 6, next to the sympathy cards." "[Fires empty gun]" "Careful there, Annie Oakley." "I don't have to be careful." "I got a gun." "You'll probably want the accessory kit." "CLERK:" "Holster." "HOMER:" "Yeah." "CLERK:" "Bandoleer." "HOMER:" "Baby!" "CLERK:" "Silencer." "CLERK:" "Loudener." "CLERK:" "Speed cocker." "HOMER:" "I like the sound of that." "And this is for shooting down police helicopters." "I don't need anything like that... yet." "Just give me my gun." "Sorry, the law requires a five-day waiting period." "We've got to run a background check." "Five days?" "But I'm mad now!" " I'd kill you if I had my gun!" " Well, you don't." "[Muttering] Lousy big shot." "Thinks he's so big because he's got a lot of guns." "But if he didn't have any guns, I'd show him a thing or two." "Let's see him walk into my store." "Then we'll see who's worried about waiting periods..." "Dad, it's 3:00 a.m." "Can't you mutter in your room?" "Marge kicked me out." "All right." "Go ahead." "Pushy kids!" "Think they can tell me what to do in my house." "I tell you, parents these days, they don't know how to rear children..." "[Birds chirping]" "[Moaning] How am I supposed to last five days without shooting something?" "[Upbeat song about waiting plays]" "[Homer whimpers] [lmpatiently] Come on, open up!" "That's the stuff!" "[Toilet flushes]" "Now, I believe you have some sort of firearm for me." "Let's see here, according to your background check... you've been in a mental institution." "Frequent problems with alcohol." " You beat up President Bush." " Former president." ""Potentially dangerous"?" "Relax, that just limits you to three handguns or less." "Close your eyes, Marge." "I've got a surprise for you." "Okay, open your eyes." "[Marge screams]" "It's a handgun!" "Isn't it great?" "This is the trigger." "This is what you point at whatever you want to die." "I don't want guns in my house!" "Don't you remember when Maggie shot Mr. Burns?" " I thought Smithers did it." " That would've made more sense." "Can I borrow the gun tomorrow?" "I wanna scare the security guard at the bank." "Only if you clean your room." "No!" "No one's using this gun!" "The TV said you're 58 percent more likely... to shoot a family member than an intruder." "TV said that?" "But I have to have a gun." "It's in the Constitution." "The Second Amendment is just a remnant from Revolutionary days." "It has no meaning today." "You couldn't be more wrong, Lisa." "If I didn't have this gun... the king of England could just walk in here anytime he wants... and start shoving you around!" "Do you want that?" "Do you?" " No." " All right, then." "I'm sorry, Homer." "No weapons." "A gun is not a weapon, Marge!" "It's a tool, like a butcher knife, or a harpoon... or an alligator." "You just need more education on the subject." "Tell you what, you come with me to an NRA meeting... and if you still don't think guns are great... we'll argue some more." "[Metal detector beeps as each go through]" "Assault weapons have gotten a lot of bad press lately." "But they're manufactured for a reason." "To take out today's modern super-animals... such as the flying squirrel and the electric eel." "Learning something, Marge?" "[Marge grumbles]" "Hi, I'm Moe S." "Hi, Moe!" "Last night I was closing up the bar when some young punk comes in... and tries to stick me up." "[Audience gasps]" "Whatever did you do, Moe?" "It could've been a real ugly situation." "But I managed to shoot him in the spine." "[Audience cheers]" "I guess the next place he robs had better have a ramp!" "[Audience laughs]" "Hi, I'm Homer S." "AUDIENCE:" "Hi, Homer." "It seems if a gun can protect something as important as a bar... it's good enough to protect my family." "So, if you'll have me..." "I would like to become a lifetime member of your wonderful organization." "[Audience cheers for Homer]" "Homer, you can't join up with these gun nuts." "Come on." "Be fair, Marge." "For once in your life, be fair." " Sorry." " My fault." "[Homer whistles gaily]" "Don't shoot!" "Just take the money and get out!" "What?" "Apu, I would never..." "Or would I?" "I've already gone this far." "I wonder what my life would be like if I robbed the Kwik-E-Mart?" "[Light-hearted instrumental music]" "I'll do it." "I'll rob the Kwik-E-Mart." "All right, put your..." "D'oh!" "Oh, well." "I'll rob it next time." "Can you help me get my ball down from the roof?" "Sure thing, honey." " Want me to get the cat down?" " No, thanks." "HOMER:" "Pull!" "Missed one, Dad." "See you in hell, dinner plate." "[Gun fires]" "[Eating noisily]" "Does anyone know where all my dinner plates went?" "You probably left them at work." "On another topic... guess who was picked to host the next NRA get-together?" "Homer, I told you this morning:" "No guns at the dinner table." " You said the breakfast table." " It's the same table!" "Listen, if it'll make you feel any better..." "I'll put the safety on." "[Gun fires]" "I guess it was already on." "I had better just put it down." "[Gun fires]" "No offense, Mom." "But that was pretty cool." "Homer, I think you'd agree... that I've put up with a lot in this marriage." "But this is the first time since we've been married... that I've actually feared for our lives." "So I'm asking you... if you really care about me and the children... please, please get rid of the gun." "[Somber instrumental music]" "All right, Marge." "I'll do it for you." "I'm a lucky woman." "And I'm a wonderful man." "[Bart grunts]" " I don't feel them." " You said there'd be Fudgicles, Bart." "Where's the Fudgicles?" "First, it's Fudgesicle." "And I know they're up here." "I just need a better foothold." "Hello!" "And the next marksman is..." "William Tell, Junior!" "Jinx!" "Bart!" "I see Bart gets to have a gun." "You lied to me!" "You promised to get rid of this gun." "I put it in a safe place, Marge." "What are the odds the boy would look in the vegetable crisper?" "How could you?" "Of all the terrible things you've ever done in your life... this is the worst, the most despicable!" "But, Marge, I swear to you, I never thought you'd find out." "[Marge grumbles]" "Until you decide what's more important... your gun or your family, we can't live in the same house." "Come on, kids." "So this is the thanks I get for protecting my family?" "Then, go." "I'll be just fine." " Do you know how to cook dinner?" " Do I?" " I've left Homer." " Thank God!" "So we need a place to spend the night." "Try the "Sleep-Eazy Motel."" "I woke up there once." "Seemed nice." "Why can't we stay here?" "We have a gentleman caller." "Hey, this TV's not broken." "It's just unplugged." "What the..." "The gun club's gonna be here any minute." "[Doorbell rings]" "They're here!" "Hi, Homer." "I brung you a big bag of irregular Oreos." "I don't see what's wrong with this one." "Looking for a good time, sailor?" " I certainly am." " No, you're not." "He's really not." "And that's how, with a few minor adjustments... you can turn a regular gun into five guns." "Here's some more chocolate curls, gun buddies." "Anyone else want a beer?" "You use your gun as a can opener?" "I use it for everything." "Watch me turn on the TV." "I've never seen such recklessness!" " You might have hurt someone!" " Are you some kind of moron?" " Yeah, but..." " Hey, yutz." "Guns aren't toys." "They're for family protection, hunting dangerous or delicious animals... and keeping the king of England out of your face." "Your membership card please, Homer." "I'll also need to remove your tattoo." " I didn't get one yet." " Rats!" "Now, since you're no longer a member... please go outside until the meeting is over." "[Dance music plays]" " Hey, we got a pool!" " Can we go swimming, Mom?" "Not right now, dear." " The TV's coin-operated!" " And so is the Bible." "I'd like to order a wake-up call, please." "3:00 a.m." "For every room except this one." "That's right." "Goodnight." "Always love trying out new material on the road." "HOMER:" "No way are you gonna beat me this time, Lise." "Yes, I am." "Come on, Spotty." "BART:" "Come on, Smelly." "[Melancholy instrumental music]" "[Gunshots and glass breaking]" "This gun cost me everything." "My wife, my kids." "Everything but my precious gun." "HOMER:" "This stinks." "I want my family back." "Hey, is that a camera in the ceiling?" "VOICE:" "No." "Go back to sleep." "[ln vibrating voice] This bed is making me nauseous." "Why won't it stop?" "Honey, it'll be morning soon." "Try to get some sleep." "[Door opens]" "I'm sorry." "Are you planning to stay the whole night?" " Yes." " All right." "Vote Quimby." "HOMER:" "Marge?" "Sorry." "QUIMBY:" "Vote Quimby." "HOMER:" "Sorry." "MARGE:" "Down here, Homer!" "There's so many things I want to yell to you!" "Come down here!" "HOMER [Yelling]:" "Okay!" "Honey, please come home." "I need you." "It's dark in the house." "I'm hungry and lonesome." "And there's no one there to hear my various witty remarks." " What about the gun?" " It's gone for good, Marge." "I finally realized, what's the point of having a gun for protection... if you've got no one to protect?" "Oh, Homie." "Come on, kids." "We're going home." "BART AND LISA:" "Yay!" "CLERK:" "Okey-doke." "Here's your bill... and your continental breakfast." "[Coughs loudly]" "All right, everybody, hands up!" "You, give me the cash drawer." "Do what he says." "I'm too rich to die." "Freeze, bad guy!" "QUIMBY:" "Vote Quimby!" "Okay, man." "Don't shoot." "Chill." "Homer, you said you got rid of the gun." "You lied to me!" "Again!" "I know I said that." "But what I secretly meant was..." "SNAKE:" "Yoink!" "[Laughs]" "The joke's on you, buddy." "There's no bullets in that thing." "[Homer laughs]" "Yo." "Give me the bullets." "Okay, don't shoot!" "[Guns cocking] [ln unison] Drop it!" "SNAKE: 'Bye." "How did you know we were being robbed?" "The clerk pressed a silent alarm, we picked it up on our scanner." "Did anyone stop that robber?" "No, I don't think so." "I'm sorry I lied to you, Marge." "But this gun had a hold on me." "I felt this incredible surge of power... like God must feel when he's holding a gun." "So, please get rid of it... because I know I'll just lie to you again and again." "[Somber instrumental music]" "[Heroic instrumental music]" "[The Simpsons theme song]" "English SDH" "[School bell rings]" "[Factory whistle]" "[The Simpsons theme music plays]" "HOMER:" "D'oh!" "Look, honey." "I clipped on my tie all by myself." "You look as handsome as the day we were married." "Happy anniversary, Marge." "Hey, look what was in here." "A program from that guy's funeral." "You mean Frank Grimes?" "Yeah, him." "Whatever happened to that guy?" " What are you doing?" " Playing Hot Wheels." " That had a guide pin in it." " What happened to Grampa?" "He was supposed to baby-sit." "Now you got her, Bart." "Jump Lisa's king." "I'm not Bart. I'm Rod Flanders." "There you go with that smart mouth." "Lisa, run outside and cut me a switch." "Yes, sir!" "I guess we'll have to take the kids with us to dinner." "[Kids yell excitedly]" "But, Marge, The Gilded Truffle is an intimate, elegant place." "Boring!" "I'll take you to a place that's really romantic." "[Kids yelling hyperactively]" "Happy anniversary, Mom and Dad." "D'oh!" "[Homer screams]" "PILOT: [Over radio] Okay, folks." "This is your pilot speaking." "If you'll look to the left side of the aircraft, you'll see..." "Homer and Marge "Sampson," who are celebrating with us today... their eleventh "air-niversary."" "PILOT:" "Hang on while we dip our wings... to this happy couple." "[Screaming]" "Hey, Jose!" "Ease up." "Sorry." "We were only hired to park cars." "This is the best anniversary ever!" "[Marge sighs]" "[Romantic instrumental music]" "Well, maybe our next anniversary will be more romantic." "Look, Homie." "Our wedding cake." "There's been cake in our freezer for 11 years?" "Why was I not informed?" "MARGE:" "Look at this little plastic couple." "So full of hopes, potential... dreams for the future..." "Wouldn't it be weird if they had little parties at night?" "Wee little parties?" "I'm going to bed." "Gotcha!" "Another super year with a super lady." " Goodnight, honey." " Goodnight, Homie." " It is a special occasion." " Yeah." "We probably should, you know... rock the Casbah." "Yeah." "Seems like the thing to do." "So, you gonna..." " Did you want me to..." " No, I'm the guy." "I'm supposed to..." "MARGE:" "No, I have my part in this, too." "HOMER:" "But let me get you started first." "HOMER:" "All right." "How's that?" " Homie, you got your elbow in..." " Oh, sorry." "[Homer yells in pain]" "MARGE:" "Sorry." "MARGE:" "You want me to..." "HOMER:" "Don't do that." "MARGE:" "We used to do..." "HOMER:" "But I don't like it." "[Dog barks]" "Look who's here!" "Who's a good boy?" " He's the best boy!" " Yes, he is!" "[Marge and Homer sigh]" "Wasn't that great when the dog came in here?" "Oh, yeah!" "He's really special." " I love that dog." " I love him, too." "Goodnight." "[Homer whistling cheerfully]" "[Homer groans]" "That's queer!" " Homer, don't look!" " What?" "The food!" "Why did this happen?" "Someone left the freezer open, the motor burned out." " We can get a new one." " Okay." "It was the shock of seeing all that food on the floor." "Plus, I'd just fallen on my back which hurt more than I let on." "MARGE:" "When we got married... is this how you thought we'd be spending our Saturdays?" "Driving out to the boondocks to trade in a refrigerator motor?" "I never thought I'd live this long." "ANNOUNCER:" "Folks, is your marriage stuck in a rut?" "Can you even remember the last time you felt the thrill of romance?" "Well, maybe you need... a divorce!" "[Gong clangs]" "Call the Divorce Specialists now for a consultation and free tote bag." "There's the turn!" "Easy!" "I'll get us out of this, honey." "It's just gonna take a whole lot of flooring." "[Engine roaring and tires spinning]" "Homer!" "And that's why today... bananas are called yellow fatty beans." " Questions?" " When are Mom and Dad coming back?" "Bored, are ya?" "Lisa, go cut me a switch." "There's gotta be something to do around here." " Are they pulling the plug on anybody?" " No." "Everybody's paid up." "What a weird looking vacuum cleaner!" "What are you, simple?" "That's my old mine detector from the war." "It was my job to clear the roads of enemy explosives." "[Machine beeping]" "And that's how I earned the Iron Cross." " Can we borrow this, Grampa?" " Sure." "She still works." "That's my brass knee." "Steel hip." "That one is news to me." "When you think about it, mud is nothing but wet dirt." "Hope that farmhouse has a phone." "[Thunder rumbling]" "Quick, the barn!" "[Dramatic instrumental music]" "Safe at last." "We're trespassing." "Some of these farmers have pitchforks!" "Hey, Theresa!" "Steve!" "Now, who let you out?" "It looks like we got us some intruders." "FARMER:" "Who's in there?" "If somebody's in here, you're in for some serious ass-forking!" "[Suspenseful instrumental music]" "Maybe they're in the media room." " That was close." " Very close." "[Suspenseful instrumental music]" "[Mooing]" " My hero!" " At your service, milady." "Cara mia!" "[Marge giggling]" "Hey, public display!" "Yeah." "What's with the love thang?" "Let's just say the country air did us good." "[Audience whooping and whistling]" "Bart, I told you not to leave that TV on." "["Oh-oh" from TV audience]" " What are we looking for anyway?" " Pirate booty." "What else?" "Now we bury the treasure!" "Captain, I know we usually bury the treasure... but what if this time we use it to buy things?" "You know, things we like." "We'll dig up the treasure in seven yar." "I've drawn a map on this cracker... which Polly will hold for safekeeping." "So, you see?" "There's treasure everywhere." "[Beeping]" "Okay, here's the deal." "Crowns and doubloons are mine." "Snuff boxes and cameos are yours." "As for wands and scepters..." " It's a bottle cap." " Jewel-encrusted?" "Homer." "See you at Moe's?" "He put new electrical tape on the cushions." "Sorry, guys." "Marge and I are spending the weekend at a bed and breakfast." "Trying to jump-start the old marriage?" " Can I come?" " Nah, it'd just be awkward... what with the sex and all." "I always figured Marge would be a dynamo in the sack." "Boy!" "She's got legs from here to ya-ya." " How do you do, ma'am?" " Hope this evening finds you well." "Knock it off, you perverts!" "HOMER:" "Now, they did say bed "and" breakfast, right?" "Isn't it romantic?" "Doilies and cozies as far as the eye can see." "If there's anything more exquisite than Queen Anne's lace..." "I haven't found it." "Big enough for two." "Are you ready to rock?" "Because here we go!" "Shouldn't we get started?" "No time like the present." "Something's not right." "Does this bed feel lumpy to you?" "Yeah, kind of." "Did that butter churn just move?" "'Cause if it did..." "What's wrong with us, Homer?" " Have we lost the spark already?" " No, honey!" "Maybe this will help!" "Look at that!" "Oh, good Lord!" "[Marge and Homer gasp]" "I'm so sorry." "I saw everything." "Oh, my heart's beating like crazy." "Mine, too." "Just like back in that hayloft." "You know, the fear of getting caught is kind of a turn-on." "There's that dirty girl I married." "Come on!" "I have a disgusting idea." "[Clock ticking]" "WOMAN:" "It's a donkey!" "MARGE:" "They'll hear us!" "HOMER:" "They didn't in the sewing room." "[Marge giggles]" "Excellent haul!" " But it's all trash." " Exactly." "Now there's nothing left out there but treasure." "Hello, everybody." "You're back." "Did you rock the Casbah?" "Bart!" "Yeah." "Do you know you have your hands in each other's pockets?" "It's okay when you're in love... and married... to the sweetest guy in the world!" "Eskimo kiss!" "You guys are sick." "Do you think there is anything wrong with what we're doing?" "I don't think anything I've ever done is wrong." "This is it, Lise!" "The mother lode!" "[Lisa gasps in amazement]" "LISA:" "Wow, an alternate ending to Casablanca!" "Bart, this could be priceless!" "Priceless like a mother's love?" "Or the good kind of priceless?" "Not yet!" "Wait." "Now!" "This is so naughty!" "Coming back to our old love nest." "It hasn't changed since that magical evening... when I knocked you up." "We drank so much that night." "Yeah, I thought Bart would be born a dimwit!" "[Marge laughs half-heartedly]" "This time I'm drunk on love... and beer." "Here comes two." "Louie, I think this could be the start of a beautiful friendship." "Look out, Rick!" "He's packing heat!" "Good work, Sam." "Come on, I'll buy you a falafel." "Not so fast, schmartenheimer." "Hope you don't mind my dropping in." "Not at all, sweetcakes." "You know what to do, Sam." "[Simple piano melody replaces 1930s romantic ballad]" "[Church bells and wedding music]" " Unbelievable!" " I'll say!" "Wasn't it great?" "The question mark leaves the door open for a sequel." "I've seen that movie 10 times, and I never get tired of that ending." "Where did you get this, you shrunken old hag?" "I'm just a little girl." "My studio produced Casablanca, all right." "We tried to tack that happy ending on the picture because back then... well, studio execs, we were just dopes in suits." "Not like today." "What are you talking about?" "I loved it." "You're a sweet old gent to say that." "This should be in a museum." "I'll tell you what, I'll give you $20 to bury this thing again." "This one, too." " The secret to the windmill hole is to..." " Not hit the blades?" "Bingo!" "[Homer yells]" "That's odd." " It didn't come out the rear end." " Rod, you've got small, girlish hands." "Reach in and fish it out." "A hand!" "[Rod yells in pain]" "Daddy, something attacked me!" "Now, Rod, it's just a stuck ball." "I'll get it." "Truant ball?" "I'll help you." "Quit showing off, Seymour." "I'll get it." "NED:" "There is something in there." "EDNA:" "It feels like a bag full of meat." "We're trapped!" "Why can't they just play through?" "RALPH:" "Daddy, you stick your hand in there and see what it is." "Something's in there, all right." " Maybe it's presents for all of us." " Well, could be anything." "Smells like a bear." "Who cares what it is?" "Let's monoxide it." " Why are people always trying to kill me?" " We have to get out of here." "[Crowd screams]" "[Crowd gasps and coughs]" "It was people!" "People soiled our green!" "And now they're out there somewhere, naked as the day God made them." "Boy, I'll tell you." "They only come out at night." "Or in this case, the daytime." "You've got to catch them!" "Think of the children!" "Won't somebody please think of the children!" "All right!" "Here you go, boy." "Get the scent." "[Dog whimpers]" "That's a shame." "He had one day left till retirement." "[Furtive instrumental music]" "HOMER:" "Come on." "Marge, can we trade?" "I don't trust these guys." "We've gotta get home before someone sees us." "You know, all this danger is kind of a turn..." "HOMER:" "Come, let's go." "Gil, thank God it's you!" "You gotta help us." "Well, that's what I'm here for." "You're young, successful." "You're naked." "You want a car with a radio, right?" "You kids like music, right?" "[Gil hums old-fashioned dance music]" "[Police siren wails]" "Wait, don't go!" "No, not today!" "Not to Gil." "I could taste that sale." "I was in the zone." "All right, men." "Those nudies are here somewhere." "Fan out." "[Suspenseful instrumental music]" "We're surrounded, Marge." "Maybe we should give ourselves up." "But think of the scandal!" "The British tabloids will have a field day." "There's only one thing left to do." "Grab on to the handles, Marge." "Got them!" "[Triumphant instrumental music]" "They stole the balloon!" "I've been living in there." "You know, just till things pick up." "Oh, Lord, my hot plate." "I only had two payments left." "HOMER:" "I think I figured this thing out." "You go up and down." "But not side to side or back in time." "MARGE:" "Clothes!" "We're saved!" " These have pleats." " Just grab them." "I'm okay, honey." "Now, listen very carefully." "I want you to pull on the thing..." "HOMER: that's near the other thing." "MARGE:" "You mean this thing?" "No." "That was not the thing." "Now let us thank the Lord for this magnificent Crystal Cathedral... which allows us to look out... upon his wondrous creation." "[Homer's body screeches across the glass]" "[Congregation gasps]" "Now, quickly!" "Gaze down at God's fabulous parquet floor." "REV:" "Eyes on the floor." "Still on the floor." "HOMER:" "Oh, my ass!" "Always on God's floor." "Hang on, Homie!" "I'm gonna try to set her down!" "HOMER:" "Thank you." "MARGE:" "Wow!" "A lot of people have pools." " Honey, my shoulders are separating!" " Okay!" "Here we go!" "[Crowd cheering]" "[Adventurous instrumental music]" "Dear Lord!" "Look at that blimp!" "He's hanging from a balloon!" "Marge, can we not land here?" "Honey?" "Baby doll?" "ANNOUNCER:" "No good!" "[Crowd boos]" "Don't blame me!" "[Crowd gasps]" "FAN:" "It's hideous!" "Why don't you take a picture?" "It lasts longer." "D'oh!" "It would have to be Camera Day." "[Crowd whistles and cheers]" " Wow!" " Hey!" "I don't want you reading those awful scandal sheets." "I was just trying to find Dave Barry's column." "He's great!" "He pokes fun at life's little foibles." "Kids, I want to explain about the stadium." "You see, sometimes moms and dads get a little..." " accustomed to each other." " Dads especially." "So they need to explore new ways to express their love." "Scary ways." "But we never intended it to end like that." "With thousands of people staring at our naked bodies." "All those eyes just leering and leering at us." " Who's in the mood for miniature golf?" " I am!" "[Bart and Lisa cheer happily]" "KIDS:" "Let's go right now!" "They're gonna feel so silly when they realize they forgot us." "[Upbeat 80s rock music]" "English" " SDH" "[School bell rings]" "[The Simpsons theme song plays]" "HOMER:" "D'oh!" "ANNOUNCER:" "We now return to the 1971 film..." "Goodtime Slim, Uncle Doobie, and the Great Frisco Freak-Out... starring Troy McClure." "[Groovy '70s instrumental music]" "Slim, if we've got the bag with the stolen diamonds... what happened to the bag with our stash?" "There's more than one way to get high, baby." "[Slim and Doobie yell]" "HOMER:" "Oh." "Please, Marge." "How often can I see a movie..." " of this caliber on late-night TV?" " Is there something wrong?" "It's just that I've only seen this movie twice before... and I've seen you every night for the last 11..." "What I meant to say is, we'll snuggle tomorrow, sweetie." "I promise." "Enchiladas." "[Soft and romantic instrumental music]" " Mom!" "Dad!" " Don't turn on the light!" "There's a UFO outside my window!" "Seriously!" "Bart, it's just an old golf umbrella stuck in a tree." "[Bart screams]" " Can I sleep with you guys tonight?" " No." "Can I sit on the roof with a baseball bat..." " in case a UFO does come?" " Yes." "That's fine." "Good." "I hope you kept the Homie-fires burning." "[Homer snores]" "Homer." " Homer, wake up." " What?" "We need to talk about the marital difficulties we've been having lately." "Marge, there's just too much pressure." "With my job, the kids, traffic snarls, political strife at home and abroad!" "But I promise you, the second all those things go away... we'll have sex." "I simply can't wait that long." "Maybe we should get some help." " How about a book?" " Okay!" " A tasteful book." " All right." "[Baseball bat rolls down roof]" "[Bart rolls down roof]" "[Bart screams]" "[Doorbell rings]" "Marge, this guy looks like Apu!" "I don't want people to see us looking at these books." "BART:" "Hi, guys." "What you looking at?" " I'm just reading up on artillery." " And I'm pursuing my interest in..." "This one's a good choice." "And it's not too smutty." "It's a book on tape by Paul Harvey." "That Midwestern man on the radio who is a pleasant version of Grampa." "HOMER: "Mr. and Mrs. Erotic American."" "Mom!" "Dad!" "Look!" "This biography of Peter Ueberroth is only $0.99!" "And I found the new Al Gore book." ""Sane Planning, Sensible Tomorrow."" "I hope it's as exciting as his other book, Rational Thinking, Reasonable Future." "I'm getting this book on UFOs." "Did you know they're real?" "That there's a huge government conspiracy to cover it up?" "That's just a paranoid fantasy." "[Eerie instrumental music]" "[Beeping]" "Mr. Vice President, someone finally bought a copy of your book!" "This calls for a celebration." "[Funky '80s celebratory song]" "I will." "HARVEY:" "Hello, Americans." "Paul Harvey here." "Did you know every good American is at heart an erotic American?" "It's true." "A famous couple..." "I don't need to tell you it was Dwight and Mamie Eisenhower... offered this advice:" ""Double your pleasure with a bath together!"" "Homie, I can't quite fit." "The faucet's jammed into my back!" " I'm stuck!" " So am I!" "HOMER:" "D'oh!" "HOMER AND MARGE:" "Kids!" "Kids!" "HARVEY:" "A romantic vacation can provide titillation." "Sensual, sanitary seclusion... awaits you at any of America's fine, AAA-approved motor lodges." "The Arabian Nights Room looks nice." "HOMER:" "The Pharaoh's Chamber has a vibrating sarcophagus." "Sorry there, Fred and Ethel." "You should've made a reservation." "We only got one room left." "Hey, the toilet is overflowing in the Caveman Room!" "Here we are." "The "Utility Room."" "This isn't very erotic." "I think it's an actual utility room." "No, honey." "It's a romantic fantasy." "I imagine I'm the janitor... and you're the janitor's wife... who has to live with me in the utility room." "Don't mind me, folks." "Just need to get the old wet/dry vac." "HARVEY:" "By now, your new love life... should have you flinging woo like nobody's business." "So, to you, Mr. and Mrs. Erotic American..." "I bid good day." "Welcome home." "I broke two lamps and lost all your mail." " What's wrong with your wife?" " You wouldn't understand." " Flu?" "Protein deficiency?" " No." "Pneumono-ultramicroscopic-silico volcanoconiosis?" " Unsatisfying sex life?" " Yes!" "But, please, don't you say that word!" "What?" "Sex?" "What's so unappealing about hearing your elderly father talk about sex?" "I had sex." "You're home safe." "See you the next time we need your signature." "You never want to spend any time with me." "But I can help you with your loving problem." "I got a home remedy that'll put the dowsers back in your trousers." "Legend has it my great grandpappy stumbled upon this recipe... when he was trying to invent a cheap substitute for holy water." "Here you..." "Here you go, you ingrate!" "Think of me when you're having the best sex of your life!" "Drink it!" "[Magical instrumental music]" "Here's $50." "Why not go to the movies... then take a cab to your aunt's house." "Stay there." "I'll call you later." " Whoa!" "Homie, what's..." " I'll explain to you afterwards." "What do you think Mom and Dad are doing right now?" "I don't know." "[Whistling happily]" "There he is." "Rex Harrison and Paul Anka rolled into one." "That tonic really works." "You and Grampa should bottle it... and go into business together." "You want me to spend more time with Dad?" " What about my New Year's resolution?" " You can make a lot of money." " Yeah!" "Where are my pants?" " You threw them out the window... in a fit of passion." "You said you'd never need them again." " Hurry, Neddie." "They're awful." " You just be ready with that garbage bag." "Oh, Mama!" "This is finally really happening!" "After years of disappointment with get-rich-quick schemes..." "I know I'm gonna get rich with this scheme." "And quick." "Sir?" "Hello, sir." "Yes, you look like a man who needs help satisfying his wife." "So..." "I guess people have some sort of moral objection to our sex drug." "Let me sell it, you idiot!" "Step right up, folks, and witness the magnificent medicinal miracle... of Simpson and Son's patented Revitalizing Tonic!" "Put some ardor in your larder with our energizing, moisturizing... tantalizing, romanticizing, surprising... her-prizing, revitalizing tonic!" "I doubt very highly that one elixir can boast so many fantastic properties." "What say we amscray out of here and have a wild wingding... at the cyclotron, Doctor?" "Anything you say, Professor." "Tonight, we'll push the twin beds together." "And I found something for Milhouse down at the mall, too." "A pup tent." "Oh, boy!" "Now I can sleep out in the yard!" "Yeah!" "Every single night." "I've discovered that the rejuvenating effect people feel... is actually a mild form of poisoning." "No doubt a result of the unsanitary conditions in Grampa Simpson's bathtub." "Nonetheless..." "[Laughs]" "What's going on?" "Where are all the grownups?" "Who cares?" "With no adults around, I run this city!" "Carry on." "Listen to this: "Unexplainable behavior." ""Individuals acting in a secretive fashion are often involved..." ""with UFOs or other paranormal phenomena..." ""e.g. telephone explosions."" " And if it's in a book, it's got to be true!" " Scary, no?" "And this guy's head of the Spaceology Department... at the Correspondence College of Tampa!" "Will you cook my dinner for me?" "My parents aren't around... and I'm not allowed to turn on the stove." "Hurry up." "We got a lot of tonic to sell, and a lot of towns to visit." " Frigid Falls, Mount Seldom, Lake Flaccid." " Great." "I'm gonna be stuck in a car all weekend with that wheezy windbag." "And that's what's wrong with Bart's generation." "Now, as for your generation..." "And for the minimal outlay of $1... you can take home a bottle of liquid Lothario... distilled Don Juan, catalytically carbonated Casanova." "Lock old Rover in the shed because man has a new best friend..." " in Simpson and Son's Revitalizing Tonic." " I'm not convinced." "I've had bad luck with aphrodisiacs." "All questions will be answered, all fears will be allayed... with one incontrovertible demonstration." "May I have a volunteer from the audience?" "Yes, you, sir." "Sir, you've never seen me before, is that correct?" " That is correct." " Then how come his face is on the bottle?" " Umm..." " Umm..." "[Frantic bluegrass music]" "[Mob yells]" "You're the worst shill I've seen!" "A disgrace to the medicine show business!" "They didn't start chasing us until you turned on the getaway music." "[Music stops]" "[Eerie instrumental music]" "Okay." "It's now painfully clear." "The adults are definitely paving the way for an invasion by the saucer people." "You fool!" "Can't you see it's a massive government conspiracy?" "Or have they gotten to you, too?" "[Adventurous instrumental music]" "LISA:" "Hey!" "Stop it!" "Why are you jumping to such ridiculous conclusions?" "Haven't you heard of Occam's razor:" ""The simplest explanation is probably the correct one."" " So what's the simplest explanation?" " I don't know." "Maybe they're all reverse vampires, and they have to get home before dark." "Reverse vampires!" "[Groans]" "Hey, wait a minute." "That's Amos Pearson's moose farm." "Make a right here." "HOMER:" "Why are we stopping at this dump?" "That's the house you grew up in, son." "Wow." "Let's go find that hot dog tree I planted." "Yeah, we lived here until the bank foreclosed in '63." "Farm went bust after the cows started giving sour milk." "Something must of spooked them good." "Stupid cows!" "[Making silly noises]" "Memories." "If this old place could talk... it'd say..." "[Laughs]" "There she is, the old Radiation King." "You'd park yourself right there and watch for hours on end." "If I may, Helen, I'd like to respond to that question with yet another flip remark." "[Audience laughs]" "Wow." "Look at me, Mom." "I am President Kennedy." "MOTHER:" "Maybe our Homer could grow up to be president someday." "You, president?" "This is the greatest country in the world!" "We've got a whole system set up to keep people like you... from ever becoming president!" "Quit your daydreaming, melonhead!" "Quit your daydreaming, melonhead!" "Dad, how come you never gave me any encouragement?" "Maybe I could've been something more than I am... like a travel agent to a great scientist... or the inventor of a hilarious refrigerator alarm." "Who are you to complain?" "You locked me up in a home... and give me the same damn shower safety seat every Christmas." "In your whole life, you never said one nice thing to me." " That's 'cause you're a screw-up!" " You're the screw-up!" " Why, you little..." " All right!" "All right!" "That's it!" "We're going home!" "I'm sick of you and your stupid tonic!" "If I hadn't taken that stupid tonic 38 years ago... you wouldn't be born, and I'd have been happy!" "You were an accident!" "Get out." " I'm sorry I said that." " Out." "I'm gonna get out of the car... and I hope you'll find it in your heart not to drive away." "Well, I'll be all right as long as I can remember my Army training." "Dang." "[Wolf howls]" "[Doorbell rings]" "I'm sorry." "GRAMPA:" "Hi." "Are you really going to ignore Grampa for the rest of your life?" "Of course not." "Just for the rest of his life." "He said I was an accident." "He didn't want to have me." " You didn't want to have Bart." " You're not supposed to tell the child!" "You tell Bart all the time." "You told him this morning." "But when I do it, it's cute." "So, finally, we're all in agreement about what's going on with the adults." " Milhouse." " Okay, here's what we've got." "The Rand Corporation in conjunction with the saucer people..." "Thank you." "...under the supervision of the reverse vampires... are forcing our parents to go to bed early... in a fiendish plot to eliminate the meal of dinner!" "We're "through the looking glass" here, people." "Kids, your daddy and his daddy are involved in a very sticky... nutty, chewy, chocolaty..." "Put it away, boy!" "Situation." "Your daddy has realized something very important:" "A father should always make his kids feel wanted." "Starting right now, I promise to spend more time with you... and give you the attention you deserve." "BART:" "I can't breathe." "And just feast your ears on this tantalizing testimonial... from my own flesh and blood." "The son who puts the fun... in Simpson and Son." "My son, Barney!" "I used to be a fat, disgusting slob." "[Burps]" "That medicine seems to be giving your son a lot of gas." "I assure you his belching is the result of an unrelated alcohol problem." "[Groans]" "[Groans]" "It just ain't the same without Homer." "He knew how to drive a car." "Son." "My dear son." "From now on, I'm gonna be a good and attentive father." "For starters, your old man is gonna teach you... how to ride your very first bike." "Number one:" "I know how to ride a bike." "Number two:" "I already own a bike." "And number three:" "That is a girl's bike." "You're no girl." "You're a boy." "A good boy." "You can be president." "Scratch that." "You will be president!" "LISA:" "Dad!" "I think Lisa needs another push on her new tire swing." "No, Dad, I want to get down." "This tire is filthy and the steel belts are poking me!" "HOMER:" "Whee!" "LISA:" "No!" "No offense, Homer, but your half-assed underparenting... was more fun than your half-assed overparenting." "But I'm using my whole ass." "Dad, it's just that too much of your love... can really be... scary." "[Sighs]" "Someday you'll thank me for all this scary love." "But, now, I've got to go somewhere and do some serious thinking." "I'm sure he meant to say "serious drinking."" "That's what I assumed." "Here's where it all started to go wrong." "How am I supposed to be a good dad when I never had one myself?" "Dad wasn't even around on Christmas morning... when I actually got to meet Santa Claus." "Some father." "Wait a minute." "Dad!" "This photo is a blessing." "It eases my pain." "[Screaming]" "This tonic's caused me nothing but trouble." "You've done all the damage you're gonna do!" "Oh, no!" "[Screaming]" "HOMER:" "Dad!" "GRAMPA:" "Son!" "I'm a screw-up." "I burned down our house." "No, I'm a screw-up." "I burned down our house." " You know what?" " What?" " We're both screw-ups." " It doesn't matter." "What matters is you were right when you told me..." "I never said anything nice about you." "So are you gonna say something nice now?" "I hadn't thought that far ahead." "Okay, here it goes." "I'm not sorry I had you, son." "And I was always proud..." " that you weren't a short man." " Dad!" "[Sentimental instrumental music]" " What do you say we roll on the grass?" " I'm with you, Dad." "[Howling in pain]" "[The Simpsons theme song plays]" "ENGLISH SDH"