"I can see myself." "Can i go now ?" "Not until you see yourself in the silverware." "Who's coming to dinner ?" "The smudge police ?" "They're my college roommates." "I know." "Rent a sense of humor, will ya ?" "They only come once every 4 years." "I don't like you ridiculing my efforts." "Fine.From now on i'll be a "yes" alien." "[ Knocking ]" "Coming !" "Hurry up, we've got groceries." "You can't come in." "We just polished the doorknob." "Alf !" "Wow !" "Look at that sign !" "What sign ?" "Aaaah !" "Alf ?" "What ?" "**" "When, how, why did you do this ?" "Half an hour ago; crayon;" "Seemed like a good idea." "Well, it's not coming off." "Maybe they won't notice." "They won't notice, because they won't be coming here." "If i were paranoid," "I'd think this had something to do with me." "Hello betty, it's kate." "We can't get together here tonight." "My decorator got a little carried away." "No, i still want to get together." "How about if we meet on campus..." "At the summa cum lately ?" "Yeah, it's still there." "It's cajun now." "The same time would be great." "You call maura." "I'll call sylvia." "Okay, see you then." "Bye-Bye." "The best we can do is paint over it." "You're going to cover that up ?" "That's like covering up a rembrandt," "Or a winchell's billboard." "We're painting over it." "I have some beige in the garage." "Beige ?" "Now there's a commitment to color." "It will be beige, alf." "If you interfere in any way," "You may hear the buzz of a lady remington." "Waiter, a margarita." "Make that a pitcher." "Coming right up !" "Tell me what you've been up to !" "We haven't been trying cases before the supreme court, like some people." "Congratulations." "Next, you'll be chief justice." "No chance.I smoked marijuana once in the sixties." "What have you been up to ?" "Same old thing, selling houses on the west side." "What about you, sylvia ?" "Sold the card shop, bought a stationary store," "Sold that, bought a paper mill, sold that, bought a forest." "That's fantastic !" "What are you up to, kate ?" "Nothing." "Well, not nothing." "I'm still a wife and mother." "I have to stay home and watch the children." "I thought brian was in school now." "He is.She means stay home and watch "all my children."" "A family of 5 -- Uh, 4," "Or any number," "Is quite a responsibility." "Sometimes i wish i'd gone that way." "The whole thing seems so alien to me." "Yeah, that's another thing." "We have to get to the airport." "What are the chances of you flying up next year ?" "Slim.None." "Never mind." "I'll come down.Bye." "Bye." "See you later." "See you next year." "Maura, i've got to go in a minute, too." "I just want to tell you," "How proud we are of you," "How much i respect what you've accomplished." "Ohhhh." "I meant that as a compliment." "Oh, kate." "I can't go home." "Why, what's happened ?" "John and i had a terrible fight." "Can i stay with you tonight ?" "Ah ... no." "Uh, no." "I mean, of course." "Thank you." "Let me make a quick phone call." "[ Telephone rings ]" "Hello ?" "Dad, it's for you." "It's mom." "I'll hold the brush." "Okay, but don't paint." "I won't." "Don't eat it." "He didn't say not to lick it." "It's implied." "Rats !" "Hello ?" "Hi, it's me." "What's the matter ?" "Nothing really." "I'm with maura and she wants to spend the night." "Here ?" "Yes, she had a fight with john." "She's upset." "Can we manage it ?" "The sign's almost covered." "We just have to hide the artist." "We'll be home in 30 minutes." "She can sleep on the couch." "That's no problem." "Whoaaaa !" "Alf !" "Can she sleep on the floor ?" "Hi !" "Hi, maura." "Welcome to our humble abode." "Thanks for taking me in." "I hope this isn't inconvenient." "I hope you don't mind sleeping on a bed." "Normally, there's a couch," "But we're having it cleaned." "And burned !" "I'm just glad to be here." "I'll get a blanket." "Would you like to let john know you're all right ?" "What, and ruin his evening ?" "I'll make some tea." "Lynn, you know mrs." "Norris." "How are you ?" "I don't believe it." "Is this the little girl that drooled on my law books ?" "I've developed a greater respect for the law." "I read people vs fusco." "You read those arguments ?" "Sure !" "What do you take in your tea ?" "Usually bourbon." "Ha ha." "Hi !" "Uh-Oh !" "Nice try, though." "Huh ?" "Come on, sammy." "Did you think that disguise would fool me ?" "Sammy ?" "Sammy who ?" "What do you mean ?" "Sammy you !" "You know me ?" "Of course." "Quit fooling around." "Sit down and have a drink." "Well, maybe a short one." "You realize i'm a figment of your imagination," "Not an alien from another planet ?" "Of course." "Just checking." "Gotta run !" "I've got other dreams to appear in." "Knock it off, sammy." "You're not going." "I'm not ?" "No, we've been through all this before." "That is the strangest i've ever seen you look." "You should see me in a tank top." "This beats the time you showed up ..." "As the dog in the cowboy suit." "How often do i show up ?" "You arrive during the 3rd margarita," "And leave during the blackout." "At least i'm consistent." "Here, salud !" "[ Sniffing ]" "Holy owned and operated !" "What is this stuff ?" "What do you mean ?" "We've been drinking tequila for 7 years." "Did i ever ask what's in it ?" "You just said it tastes better than it smells." "Let's hope so." "At least there's a worm in it." "[ Gasp ]" "I was wrong." "About what ?" "This tastes worse that it smells." "[ Gasping ]" "[ Alf ] ohhh." "Ohhh !" "Ohhh !" "What's that ?" "I don't know." "It sounds like an alien groaning," "And groping along the hall." "That's what i thought." "Ohhh !" "What are you doing ?" "Groaning and groping," "And looking for a place to do the technicolor yawn." "Ohhh." "What's the matter ?" "I've been poisoned." "Earth germs." "I saw it in "war of the worlds."" "Before aliens can destroy the planet," "The earth germs get them." "What are you talking about ?" "My tongue feels hairy." "Your tongue is hairy." "What did you eat ?" "Just the usual, everything." "It's what i drank." "What did you drink ?" "I think they call it tequila." "You have a hangover." "You shouldn't be drinking." "Hey, i'm over 21." "I'm over 221." "You got into the liquor cabinet ?" "No, maura did." "You saw her ?" "She saw you ?" "Yeah, now we're seeing each other." "I don't think it's going to work out.She's a booze hag." "That is not true !" "I won't have you insulting my friends !" "Do you hear me ?" "Oh boy, do i !" "This isn't a criticism," "But your wife's voice seems unusually grating." "Drinking is not good." "Tell me about it." "I'm off the sauce forever." "It's that hooch-Monger you have to worry about." "Stop insulting kate's friend." "What would you call her ?" "Her name is maura." "It's always been maura." "Except in college, we called her ..." "Boilermaker." "She played ball for purdue ?" "She drank 14 boilermakers in one night." "I guess we thought it was funny, at the time." "I would like to apologize for losing my temper," "If you will apologize for what you said." "Apology accepted and given." "If you'll excuse me, i have to drive the porcelain bus." "Is he really that hung over ?" "[ Retching sounds ]" "Apparently." "Maybe we ought to see how boilermaker is." "I mean maura." "Boilermaker ?" "Did you say boilermaker ?" "That's what we called her in college." "[ Retching sounds ]" "Why did you call her that ?" "Because she drank too much." "Let's face it, she still does." "You think that she's an alcoholic ?" "I don't know.I think you should talk to her." "But she's so successful, motivated and ..." "Miserable." "Ohhh." "Hi, guys." "Morning." "Dad, could you drop me at school ?" "Julie's car broke." "Broke ?" "She had a flat ?" "No, the flange gasket is leaking gas onto the manifold." "I stand corrected." "We'll go as soon as i finish my screwdriv" "I mean my orange juice." "Would you like breakfast ?" "Thanks, i'm having it." "How about some tomato juice ?" "Plain ?" "Yeah." "Pass." "We've got to go." "Great to see you !" "Thanks." "I hope things work out." "Good-Bye mrs." "Norris." "It was great seeing you." "Same here." "I have so much respect for you." "I'd like to be like you someday." "[ Crying ]" "What'd i say ?" "It's okay." "Rough night, huh ?" "No rougher than usual." "I don't know how to say this." "Are you aware of how much you drink ?" "I drink no more than anybody else.I can handle it." "I'm not so sure." "I think you might have a problem." "Oh, kate." "I had a huge fight with my husband." "I'm under a lot of pressure." "It helps me relax." "I don't have a drinking problem." "I had a few drinks because i was happy to see everybody." "I had 1 or 2 more before i went to bed, but that was it !" "Wrong !" "Sammy !" "Kate, do you see " "She can't see or hear me." "Only you can." "I'm your drinking pal, remember ?" "See what ?" "I don't see anything." "There's a little guy ..." "right there ?" "Go ahead, describe me." "And tell her about the dog in the cowboy suit." "There's this little man that i see sometimes when i dream," "But i've never seen him in the morning." "I usually sleep in." "Is this someone you see after you've been drinking ?" "Yes, sometimes, but it doesn't happen often." "I'll bet kate asks how long you've been seeing me." "Uh ... how long has this been going on ?" "Oh, a couple of weeks." "How long ?" "A year." "1 year ?" "2 or 3 years." "Uh-Uh." "All right, 7 years." "That's a long time." "I know." "Have you discussed this with john ?" "We talk about it." "That's what we fight about." "He thinks i'm an " "Booze hag ?" "Sorry." "An alcoholic ?" "Yes, but he's wrong." "Maura, look who's here." "Your imaginary drinking buddy," "At 7:30 in the morning !" "Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah." "You want to be stuck with that the rest of your life ?" "No." "Why don't we call the betty white clinic ?" "Betty ford." "What ?" "I was thinking that now would be a good time to get help." "There are places you can call that know how to handle this." "Honey, i just hate to see you so unhappy." "Yeah." "Maybe i ought to think about it." "Good.I hope you never see me again." "Maybe it was the betty boop clinic." "Huh ?" "Nah." "Alf, there's another food catalog." "The cheese log issue !" "Listen, it's from maura." ""Since my visit, i've started to rebuild my life." ""It's difficult, but i've found an extremely supportive group," ""So at least i'm not alone." "I'm even starting to like plain tomato juice, ha ha."" "I hate it when people write in laughs like that." "At least she didn't write, "i kill me."" ""I'm anxious to have you over to dinner soon." "B.Y.O. Soft drinks."" "Did she invite me ?" "She didn't mention you, sammy." "After all i did for her, she pretends i don't exist." "I'm sure she's grateful." "But, you know," "We're the only ones who know what you did." "We owe you one." "A big one ?" "A big one !" "Great !" "Cheese log #37." "Muenster madness, 50 lb." "Size -- $99.95." "Ha !" "She walked right into that, didn't she ?" "She certainly did." "Ha ha !" "$99.95 ?" "It's a lot of cheese." "Be thankful i didn't get the nell carter ball." "Captions performed by captions, inc.Los angeles, ca" "Captions copyrighted by alien productions." "All rights reserved."