"I WAS DOING A PLAY IN LOS ANGELES," "AND I GET A CALL FROM THE FABULOUS PEOPLE AT CARSEY-WARNER." "THEY ASKED ME TO COME DOWN, AND DO I KNOW WHO ROSEANNE BARR IS." "SO I SAID, "YEAH, SURE, UH," "SHE'S THE HOT, YOUNG STAND-UP THAT'S BEEN TEARING UP THE TOWN."" "JUNE?" "I'M HOME." "YOU'LL NEVER KNOW HOW I'VE COUNTED THE HOURS." "SO I WENT DOWN AND, UH, READ WITH HER," "UH, AND AUDITIONED, AND IT WAS FUNNY" "'CAUSE I KIND OF KNEW THAT I HAD IT, JUST AFTER THAT ONE READING." "IT'S WEIRD HOW THAT WORKED OUT." "WHAT IS IT?" " I REALLY DON'T WANNA PICK." " WHAT?" "I CAN'T STAND IT WHEN PEOPLE LEAVE TOAST CRUMBS ON THE BUTTER." "WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE?" "YOU'RE JUST GONNA SMEAR IT ON YOUR TOAST." "IT AIN'T RIGHT." "YOU DON'T LIKE IT WHEN PEOPLE LEAVE JELLY IN THE PEANUT BUTTER JAR." "WELL, THAT'S SICKENING." "I DIDN'T KNOW WHETHER THEY'D BUY US OR NOT," "UH, 'CAUSE WE WERE KIND OF DIFFERENT FROM ANYTHING THAT WAS ON AT THE TIME." "THERE WAS, UH," "A LOT OF RITZY, GLITZY, LIKE," "NIGHTTIME SOAP OPERA WITH A LOT OF RICH, GOOD-LOOKING PEOPLE," "AND HERE WE ARE, LIKE A SMACK IN THE FACE WITH A WET FISH." "OH, NOT NOW, DAN." "OKAY, BUT HURRY UP." "SWITCH SIDES WITH ME, ROSEANNE." "NO!" "COME ON, I GOTTA GET SOME SLEEP." "WELL, I CAN'T SLEEP WITH YOUR HOT NOSTRIL AIR BLOWING ALL OVER ME!" "YOU THINK THIS IS A MAGIC KINGDOM WHERE YOU JUST SIT UP HERE ON YOUR THRONE." " OH, YEAH?" " YEAH!" "AND YOU THINK EVERYTHING GETS DONE BY SOME WONDERFUL WIZARD." "OH, POOF, THE LAUNDRY'S FOLDED." "POOF, DINNER'S ON THE TABLE." "YOU WANT ME TO FIX DINNER?" "I'LL FIX DINNER." "I'M FIXING DINNER!" "OH, BUT, HONEY, YOU JUST FIXED DINNER THREE YEARS AGO." "THINK I CAN'T COOK?" "I CAN COOK." "I'M COOKING." "AND I'LL SPEND THE REST OF THE NIGHT WASHING UP THE DISHES." " HEY, I DO THE DISHES." " WHEN?" "THURSDAY, 6:45 P.M." "NINETEEN SEVENTY WHAT?" "A COUPLE OF TIMES WE WENT NUTS." "OUR TEAM!" "THEY'RE NOT THINKING THAT I'M A SHREW," "THEY'RE THINKING THAT YOU'RE AN IDIOT." "THEY THINK I'M AN IDIOT FOR MARRYING A SHREW." "WE WERE A FAMILY THAT HAD A LOT OF MONEY TROUBLES." "WE DIDN'T HAVE ALL THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE," "BUT I THINK WHAT PEOPLE REALLY LIKED US," "THE FACT THAT THEY GENUINELY LOVED EACH OTHER." "HAPPY BIRTHDAY." "DON'T GO IN THERE." " WHY NOT?" " UM, BECAUSE, UH" "ALIEN LIFE FORMS HAVE INVADED, AND THEY'RE TAKING OVER." "GOOD LORD, THEY'RE AFTER THE CORN." " THOSE FIENDS." " ( Dan sniffs )" "WAIT A MINUTE." "THERE'S SOMETHING GOING ON IN THERE FOR MY BIRTHDAY, ISN'T THERE?" "Both:" "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DAD!" "Dan:" "OH, YOU GUYS!" "LOOK AT THIS!" "YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE!" "MAKE A WISH." "WHAT'D YOU WISH FOR?" "HE WISHED HE WAS STILL IN HIS 20s." "YOU ONLY MARRIED ME FOR MY COOKIN'." "HUH-UH." "I MARRIED YOU 'CAUSE YOU NEEDED A DATE FOR YOUR WEDDING." "THE RELATIONSHIP THAT THEY HAD WAS REALLY, UH, ROOTED IN LOVE." "I MEAN, VERY STRONGLY AND A GOOD, HEALTHY SEX DRIVE." "HEY, IS THAT A TOOTHBRUSH IN YOUR POCKET," "OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME?" " I GOT A PAIR." " SO DO I." "YEAH, BUT ROSEANNE'S ARE SHOWING." "YOU GUYS THINK WE DON'T GET YOUR CORNY LITTLE SEX JOKES." "HEY, YOU KIDS ARE OUR CORNY LITTLE SEX JOKES." "WELL, BABY..." "WE'RE ALL ALONE." "OOH, NO KIDS." "WHAT SHOULD WE DO?" "OH, YOU MUSTN'T GO BACK TO THE SEWERS" "FROM WHENCE YOU CAME." "I THINK PEOPLE COULD IDENTIFY WITH US." "A LOT OF PEOPLE DID." "A LOT OF PEOPLE STILL STOP ME ON THE STREET AND, UH," "SAY, "OH, YOU REMINDED ME OF MY DAD OR MY AUNT."" " THE ADVANCE." " GIVE ME THAT!" " DAD, HOW MUCH IS THAT?" " 500 SMACKEROONIES." "FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS?" "OH, YOU DESERVE A KISS." "BECKY, KISS YOUR DAD." "PEOPLE ASK ME IF I HAVE A FAVORITE EPISODE." "I GUESS" " THERE WAS A SHOW THAT I GOT TO DO WITH LAURIE METCALF." "IT WAS ABOUT SOMETHING WE REALLY NEVER TALKED ABOUT." "THERE WAS ALMOST AN ATTRACTION THERE," "AND THAT WAS PRETTY NEAT, THAT WAS KIND OF A SPECIAL SHOW." "LAURIE'S AN AMAZING ACTRESS, AND IT WAS NICE TO GET TO PLAY OFF OF HER." "I'M COMING RIGHT BACK, SO DON'T GET TOO EXCITED." "( blows lips )" "ROSEANNE, YOU NEED ANYTHING BESIDES BREAD CRUMBS?" "YEAH, PICK ME UP A COUPLE OF THOSE TABLOIDS SO I CAN KEEP TABS ON ELVIS." "FORK OVER THE BREAD, FRED." "HMM." "DON'T HURRY BACK, JACK." "THANKS FOR THE CASH, STUPID." "WE'D READ IT ON A MONDAY, THEN WE'D START REHEARSING IT." "AND DURING THE WEEK, IF LAURIE OR I OR ROSE" "OR ANYBODY HAD ANY IMPROV OR..." "THINGS TO CHANGE, THEY'D USUALLY PUT IT IN." "THEY WERE REALLY GOOD ABOUT IT." "WHAT'S THIS IN MY POCKET?" "IT COULD BE, IT MIGHT BE, IT IS" "HOLY COW, IT'S A HONEYMOON!" "( gasps ) WHY, YES, IT'S PARADISE." "OH, ANOTHER GUY WHO THINKS HE'S GOT PARADISE IN HIS JEANS." "( laughs )" "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" "I'VE GOT A DATE." "ANY OF THE HALLOWEEN SHOWS, THOSE WERE ALWAYS SPECIAL." "GET OUTTA HERE, GET OUTTA HERE, GET OUTTA HERE, GO!" "'CAUSE ROSEANNE WAS ALWAYS COOKING UP SOMETHING GOOFY." "HAVE YOU SEEN MY CAR KEYS?" "OH, MY GOD!" "OH NO!" "NO, NO, NO!" "HAND ME A RAG." "I NEED A RAG." " WHAT DID YOU DO?" " WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE?" " I CUT MYSELF." " YOU WANT THE FIRST-AID KIT?" " YEAH, YOU'D BETTER GET IT." " OH, THAT'S A LOT OF BLOOD." " WHAT HAPPENED?" " I DON'T KNOW." "I WAS CUTTING SOMETHING ON THE JIGSAW, AND IT WAS KIND OF DULL." "OH, LET ME LOOK AT-- YOU NEED STITCHES." "AAH!" "THEY WERE ALWAYS A LOT OF FUN." "OH!" "THAT IS THE GEEKIEST COSTUME I'VE EVER SEEN." "WHERE DID YOU GET THE HIDEOUS MASK?" "DROP DEAD." "IT WAS ROSEANNE THAT KEPT EVERYBODY FRESH AND ALIVE," "AND KEPT THE WRITING FUNNY AND REAL." "AND REAL, I THINK, IS THE OPTIMUM WORD THERE." "Dan: * ALL I REALLY WANT TO DO *" " ( toilet flushes )" " OHH!" "OHH!"