"So, who are you bringing to this engagement party?" "Nice little side piece?" "Pretty sure I know what "side piece" means, and no, I will be flying solo." "Oh." "Are you in a rut?" "My two cents?" "Put the ladies in the game, Coach." "The.. the ladies and I are doing just fine." "And why is it that everyone always assumes that if a 46-year-old woman shows up somewhere alone, she's miserable?" "I lead a very fulfilling life." "Sounds lovely." "But, just FYI, there is a very reputable service that caters to women like yourself." "They're very discreet and you're only paying for their company." "I'm not gonna take an escort to my friend's engagement party." "Besides, if I wanted to have a date, I could." "My phone is, like, all men's names." "Look!" "Adam." "Man." "First one." "Boom." "I just know if I were showing up to an engagement party full of my judgey married friends," "I'd either bring a date or a Vicodin." "Yeah, I ran out." "Maybe you're right, I should just bring a date to this thing." "Oh, yeah?" "Well, your prayers have been answered." "What's the occasion?" "Wedding?" "Bar mitzvah?" "Oh, please say it's a bar mitzvah." "I love those little hats and I dance a mean Hora." "Oh, no." "Never gonna happen." "Sara, some people are put on this earth to play baseball, others to explore the infinite mystery of our oceans' depths." "Me?" "I was born to be a plus one." "It's what I love to do and nobody does it better." "Oh, come on, can you honestly tell me" " that you don't want to walk..." " Ow!" "Into that party with this on your arm?" "Hand me a gavel, 'cause this case is closed." "Oh, I like that one." "Check to see if anyone said that before." " I'd prefer not to." " All right, I'm just gonna swivel back around and grab my purse." "All right, fine." "It's your funeral." "Oh, is it a funeral?" "I kill at funerals." "Ooh, accidental joke." " What?" " Jimmy." " Yes?" " Admit it... you like Sara." "Oh..." "Come on." "Like her." "I mean, I like her." "I mean, we have a kid together and a grandkid and she introduced me to turkey bacon." "I like her, sure." "Since when does Jimmy Martino agree to go to anything before he knows where it is, who's on the guest list, and what else is going on at that time?" "Jon Hamm's game night four years ago." "The invitation said Jonny's place was being renovated, location TBD." "Boom, hand me a gavel, 'cause this case is..." "Hold on, I'm gonna put a twist on it this time." "There..." "You know what, there's only one way the joke works... case closed." ""The autumn of 1938." "Frank was tossed in the joint." "The charge?" "Seduction." "His alleged victim was a proper woman until she met a wicked temptation by the name of Sinatra."" "All right." "To be continued." "All right, kiddo?" "Night, night." "Oh, did she go down already?" "Yeah." "Vanessa and I have been killing ourselves to get the beta version of our app ready for the investor." "I haven't seen Edie in, like, two days." "Or you." "Or the inside of a shower." "I'm just trying to make a better life for us, you know?" "Move out my Mom's guesthouse, send Edie to college, maybe buy myself a replica of the Terminator arm." "She's up." "What the?" "Edie, no, no, no." "Don't do that." "Very bad, Edie." " Edie bad." " No!" "No, no, no!" "No, no." "Wait a minute, is that my..." "Hold on." "Oh, no, I got it." "Okay." "My shift's over." "What..." "Thanks, Dad." "Chris, hey." "Yeah, it has been a while." "Anyway, would you like to come with me to a party tomorrow?" "Right, I was transferred to Boise, but they transferred me back." "You know, don't get into therapy for the stability." "You got married." "Eli, mazel." "No, I don't think Laura would be cool with you coming." "Yeah, I-I think it could hurt to ask." "I was asking you to a party, not if you want party." "I haven't done that since the '80s." "No, no, no, Laura, I swear, I told Eli not to ask you." "Yes, I'm familiar with that marriage arrangement, and-and while I am flattered," "I haven't done that since the '80s." "So, uh, do I just pay him in cash when he picks me up or..." "Oh, no, I can't do it." "What?" "That does not sound like a woman who has a date to a party." "No, actually, I have several options." "If you'd like the Novak Djokovic of plus ones," " I'm still totes avail." " Good-bye, Jimmy." "You know, I don't..." "I-I don't think she knew who" "Novak Djokovic is." "You think I should have said Michael Jordan?" "No, I refuse to dumb down my comedy." "I can't believe our kid's a flusher." "At least now we know where the TV, stereo, and fan remotes went." "And my necklace." "Maybe we didn't have to fire the babysitter after all." " Why would she do this?" " The necklace was a knock-off." "Kim did not deserve to get fired." "That TV remote was not small." "What kid is so determined to flush something that she breaks it into smaller, flushable pieces?" "Clearly she's acting out, right?" "Do you think she's mad at us?" "She can't be mad at me." "I buy her presents all the time." "Have we become those parents who mess up their kids 'cause all they do is work?" "Since we started this app, we barely see her." " You're right." " Well, at least we got the child lock on the toilet for now, right?" "Yeah, it really makes you appreciate the freedom to pee we once had." "My purse!" "Edie, stop." "You got through the lock?" "I had to pee in the sink earlier." "I..." "I was two stamps away from a free Mondo Smoothie." "I'm sorry we had to work so much lately." "Look, tomorrow we're gonna spend so much frigging time with you you're gonna be sick of us." "You can sort of make out the stamps." "I'm just gonna try to use it." "Get 'em the best table in the house." "Um, please don't make this into a whole thing, but if you still want, you can come to the party with me." "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "I knew you'd walk away annoyed, too." "Even made a card for that one." "See?" "What?" "This is an engagement party?" "That guy's wearing shorts." "Look at all these people." "Showing off their unhappy marriages." " I'm gonna grab us drinks." " Yeah, get me an Old Fashioned." "Rye, no fruit, huh?" "You're getting a beer." " Thank you." " Mm-hmm." "Are you seeing this?" "There are just dogs walking around." "What is that?" "One of my subtly brilliant moves that separates me from your typical date." "You see, with me, you get more than just a handsome prop on your arm, you get the full boyfriend experience." "Okay, I'm feeling a lot of emotions..." " regret..." " Mm-hmm." "That's about it." "Eh, it's probably just nerves." "Come on, let's go turn some heads." "Hi, hippie." " Hipsters." " Hipsters." "That's cute." "We were introduced by our friends Barack and Michelle." "The Obamas." "What's that?" "Right here at the party?" "Excuse us." "We have to go to the bathroom." "Yeah." "Of course." "What?" "What?" "What the hell?" "You can't make up a bunch of lies." "These people know me." "All I wanted you to do was stand next to me so people wouldn't think I came here alone." "You got it?" "All right, that said, we don't want to break the reality of the scene, so pretend we had sex in the bathroom." "Mess your hair up." " Look satisfied." " Forget it." "You're fired." "What?" "What am I supposed to do now?" "I don't care." "Go join the ukulele circle." "Which one?" "All right, baby, listen, if you got to use the toilet, you got to ask Mommy and Daddy, okay?" " 'Cause we have the key." " Oh, no." " Yeah." " Uh-huh." "And if you're thinking of throwing things down a different toilet, just remember, they're filled with monsters" " that eat little girls." " That's not true." "Yes." "So if you have to take a tinkle, let us know." "Say, "Good night, Gorilla."" "Good girl." "What story do you want to hear, baby?" " What story?" " I'll be right back for story time." "I got to go to the bathroom." "I'll just go outside." "You see, this is good." "This-this is life." "Just all of us hanging out." "It doesn't matter what color we are... black, white, white, white, white." "Psst!" "Growler?" "Growler?" "Growler?" "Okay." "Three growlers." "Hey, what's a growler?" "Everyone keeps using that word." "I want the boyfriend experience." "Oh." "Well, I'm not sure I'm ready to give you the boyfriend experience." " Oh, fine." " Okay, I'll give," "I'll give, I'll give." "Okay." "You see that guy" " over there in the beanie?" " Where?" "Don't look." "Okay, a couple of years ago, we went on a date, and it turned into this crazy," " passionate weekend." " Ugh." "He was artistic and free-spirited, confident, and we even made plans to go out the following weekend." "And then I did that stupid thing where you start to think," ""Oh, this could be something real."" "And it would have been the first real thing that I'd had in a long time." "Plus, we were extremely compatible sexually." "You are a grandmother." "The next weekend never happened." "He just disappeared." "And the jerk didn't even text me." "And now he's here with a pretty girl, and I'm alone." "All right." "Come on." "Let's go make this clown regret ever letting you go, huh?" " Okay." " Do I have permission to go full Martino?" " Okay." "Okay." " All right." "Come on." "What's sexier, do you think, Australian or Spanish accent?" "Neither, please." "Why don't I go for both?" "So, to solve the problem, we have locked down the toilet and installed nanny cams everywhere." "The bedroom, office, bathroom." "Yeah, that's why you put a camera in the bathroom Vanessa uses." "I know." "What a perv, right?" "Huh." "Edie's not in her bed." "Where is she?" "You got to be kidding me." "How did she get all of our stuff?" "Where the hell is Vanessa?" "I don't know, man." "Maybe she's in the bathroom?" "You should check the bathroom." "Yo." "Yo." "Where are you?" "I'm in your tub." "What's wrong?" "Oh, good." "You're in the bath." "Uh, Edie's about to come into the bathroom." "Uh-oh." "I lied." "I'm in your mom's tub next door." " It has the jets." " Well, get to the guesthouse." "Edie's about to flush all our stuff." "Bro, I don't mean to alarm you, but homegirl is going all Houdini on that lock." "Okay, that's kind of impressive." "Greg, is that you?" "Oh." "Uh, Sara." "It's Craig, actually." "No biggie." "It's really good to see you." " This is my boyfriend." " Hi." "James Martino." "Pleasure." "Cheers." "This is Juliet." "Where's Romeo?" "Let me guess, first date?" " Actually, second." " Yeah." "Second date." "What was our second date?" "It was so long ago." "It was, like, what, two years ago, right?" "Feels like it was just yesterday." "You can't beat new love." "But the real trick is finding a way to keep that excitement alive year two." "We can't tell you how we did it." "Wouldn't be appropriate around mixed company." "Oh, James." "Stop." "Uh, we're gonna take off." "It was great running into you again, Sara." "James." "Hey, Craig." "You know, I own a restaurant nearby." "If you're interested in... continuing the night, I'd love to buy you guys a nightcap." " Thanks, but we're pretty beat..." " Sure," " why not?" " Okay, good." "Follow us, huh?" "He's jealin' so hard." "Are they looking over here right now?" "Yep." "Whoa." "Okay, no cupping." "Does that girl he was with look familiar to you?" "I swear I've seen her somewhere before." "Is she a Price Is Right Girl?" "You're not gonna believe this, but that James guy, we slept together." "Like, a year ago." "What?" " Which means he cheated on her." " Seriously?" " Yeah." " What a jackass." "I know who she is." "I think she's my dental hygienist." "No, it's not her." "Vanessa is out of the tub." "We don't know if it's a robe or a towel situation." "What we do know is right now she's headed over to Gerald's bathroom to stop Edie from flushing everything they hold dear down the toilet." "Uh, my class ring." "My Arctic explorer's compass." "My second place science fair ribbon." "I have cool stuff, too." "Oh, come on." "Edie, stop!" "Remember the toilet monster!" "Last item in the cart, folks." "Could be anything." "I know I'm hoping for a family heirloom." " Mm-hmm." " Why are you all rooting for this?" "Oh." "That's my hard drive, with-with all my photos and my videos and my memes and my ideas for new memes." "No!" "Guys, whatever happens next, it's been one heck of a ride." "Ooh, and here comes Vanessa in a" " robe that covers everything." " Get it." "That's what I'm talking about!" "Huh?" "!" "All right, well, we should probably get back to work." "Orders are piling up." "Yeah." "And here we are." "Here's my little, uh... my little food joint." "Humble brag." " Yeah." " Come on in." "Got the table all set up for you guys." " Here we are." " Nice." " Allow me." " Thank you." "I'm sorry, Craig, I didn't even ask." "What, uh... what is it that you do?" " I'm a musician." " Ah." "Right now, I'm in a jazz quintet, The Quintangibles." "I made up the name, but I hate it." "How's the money in that?" "Well, if you get into music for the money, you've already failed, right?" "So it's not good, huh?" "Sounds like money's pretty important to you." "Where does being faithful fall on your list?" "Huh?" "Is this "Don't Dream It's Over"?" " Jimmy, was this you?" " What?" "No." "It was me." "Only way I can get her out on the dance floor." "Order anything you want on the house, even the market price stuff." "Hey, good call coming here." "This is super fun for me." "I can't believe you remember this." "Mm-hmm." "How could I forget it?" "The manager at Bistro Nova played it every night at closing." "It always comes to me when I'm mopping or taking out the trash." "Yeah?" "Do you remember the dance we made up?" "Nope." "a heads up before I dip you, so..." " Oh, Jimmy, don't you dare." " Ah." "Oh." "All right, that was fun." "Now let me up." "I warned you." "Is it just me, or are those two totally digging each other?" "They are." "They're just too emotionally stunted to admit it." "If I'm that stupid at 50, kill me." "I'm gonna kill you way before you're 50." "Hey, for our third date, can we help one of your friends move?" "Yeah." "That was so... so fun." "Sorry about that." "Yeah." "Got a little carried away out there." "No, no, no, not at all." "You two make a really nice couple." " Thank you." " How'd you meet?" "Oh, it's an incredible, story, actually." "Oh, not the Obamas." "We worked together in a bistro." "It was, what, 1989?" "That is true." "She was the pastry chef, I was the host, and, oh, God, the moment I saw her, I was into her." "And I-I kid you not, first words out of my mouth were..." "Want to get out of here?" "Right." "She avoided me, and then," "I eventually wore her down, and we dated for a while, and then..." "But I was young and dumb, and I..." "I didn't realize what I had, and so I let her go." "I'm sure you guys want me to get to the end of the story." "I-I got a second chance, and this time around, I know what I have, and I'm not gonna blow it." "Oh, God, I can't take it any longer." "Sara, he cheated on you with me!" "What?" "!" "That-that's not..." "Polo House." "Cinco De Mayo." "Right." "I knew I knew you." "Did you used to wear glasses?" "You seriously don't remember someone you had sex with?" "Sara, I can explain." "She wore glasses back then." "This is so classic you." "I don't even know why I'm surprised here." "Hey, at least now you won't waste another two years with this slimeball." "Two years?" "!" "I'm sorry." "That's just funny, the thought of anyone dating him for two years." "It's not that funny." "We're not a couple, Craig." "This was just a silly trick that clearly went on too long." " Sorry." "What?" " You and I spent an amazing weekend together, and then you just disappeared." "And, believe me, I get the no-text fade-away." "I just did it last week with my podiatrist." "Dr. Greenbaum?" "But we both know that weekend was different." "Ask any piece of furniture in that cabin, and they'll tell you the same thing." "On that note," "I'm going home to drink." "Ah." "This is fuller." "You know, I'm a big fan of Edie's, but no one tells you that parenting is mostly waking up, working, and then fishing all your stuff out of the toilet." "Tyra never said that working all the time could mess up your kid like this." "What are we gonna do, G?" "We've tried everything." "Well, not everything." "So, what's going on, bubba?" "Why do you keep flushing Mommy and Daddy's things down the toilet?" "Yeah, what's got you so upset?" "Toilet hungry." "Toilet hungry?" "Oh, God." "That's what it was?" "I guess we're not inflicting lifelong damage on our daughter after all." "Are we the most awesome parents ever?" "Yeah, I don't think there's any other way to interpret it." "But to be honest, I'm barely paying attention" " because your robe's half-open." " Uh!" " Uh." "Oh." "Oh!" " You!" "Okay." "You go high, I'll go low." "You get Mama." "Get Mama." "Get her." " Get her!" "Get her!" " Uh-uh." "No!" "Is it just me, or do those two belong together?" "They do." "They're just too emotionally stunted to do anything about it." "If I'm that stupid at 25, kill me." "Wait." "How old are you?" "19." "Oh, Victor, you need to moisturize." "Whoa!" "Hey." "All right, what's wrong?" " No, nothing's wrong." " Jimmy, you're editing yourself into photos with Kate Middleton, but your heart's not in it." "You didn't even get rid of William." "You think most people would remember what a person with glasses looks like if that person suddenly stopped wearing glasses?" "You forgot someone you slept with," " and it reminded Sara you're a cad?" " No." "Maybe." "How did you know that?" "None of that's a deal breaker for her." "I've seen the way she looks at you." "Nah, she doesn't look at me." "She looks at me?" "Listen, I know you're never gonna admit to me that you like her, but if you ever decide to admit it to yourself," "I wouldn't wait around to do something about it." "You know what a cad wouldn't do?" "Let Sara know tonight wasn't just fun and games to you." "Hey." "Hey, Craig." "Uh, I've got couch hair and cake on my shirt." "Ignore that." "Look, we didn't really get a chance to talk tonight, and I thought you deserved to know why I disappeared on you" " back then." " Okay." "I must have written and deleted 20 different texts to you since that weekend." "I guess I just thought if I saw you again, it would lead to something serious, and I didn't know if I was ready to take that journey." "Look, I could come up with a bunch of excuses about the tortured life of an artist, or my bone marrow situation..." "What?" "Are you okay?" "Yeah." "No, no, that's just an example of an excuse." "Look, the point is," "I know I don't deserve another chance, but I'm still gonna ask for one." "Hey, Jimmy." "Hey." "Uh, I know it's late." "I-I just wanted to call you and tell you that I had a really good time tonight." "And, listen, next time we do that dance," "I think..." "I'm sorry." "You know, now is not the best time." "No, that's okay, darlin'." "Is that Craig over there?" "You guys are crazy." "Have a good time tonight." "Bye." "Looks like it's just you and me tonight, Princess Kate."