"For the past few years ricky gervais," "Stephen merchant, and karl pilkingn" "Have been meeting regularly" "For a series of pointless conversations." "This is one of them." " Testing." " Is that all right?" "Um, I got a text from karl yesterday, steve." "A text from karl, yeah." " Yeah." "I'll just read it to you." "Okay. "see you tomoz for a face rub at 6:30 then." "No bum tubes though."" "So I was intrigued." "I called karl and said," ""I think you just sent me a text by mistake."" "What's the explanati of that?" "Me mate, right, russell," "He just said, you know, "there's things that go on in life" "That you need to experience." "" - ricky:" "Yeah?" "He said, "just pop along."" " I didn't say yes strai." " What's a face rub?" "You mean a facial?" "Where you lay down" " You just clean your face with a- - - yeah, so you're gonna go" "Lie down with another man and have your face fiddled with." "Well, no, this is what I was saying to him." "There was a couple of questions- I didn't just say yes straightaway." "I questioned it." "I said, "I'm not that happy with this." "There's nothing weird going on here, is there?" "It's not a house." "It's a proper clinic and that?"" "He said, "yeah, it's proper." "You wear a dressing gown" "I said, "I'm not that"-- - so he's already got you in the dressing gown?" "Yeah, well, I haven't agreed to that." "Today I've worn a little," "Round polo-neck jumper so I don't have to take it off." "It's not gonna get in the way of me face." "I made sure I didn't wear a shirt with a collar." "I'm not taking this off." "They can put the dressing gown on top of this." "Right." " I don't know if there's a woman" "Who rubs me head." "I don't know if it's a bloke." "Well, the thing is you get extra for your face rub 'cause your face goes all the way back over" "The top of your head to the back of your neck." "You've got a big face, haven't you?" "All I was saying to him is "I'll have the face rub,"" "But I don't know if once you're in there" "They try to sell you the old" " The old...?" " --The bum tube thing." "What's the bum tube?" "Is that a euphemism?" " What are you talking about?" " The thing where they pop a tube in," "Put coffee in your belly and it cleans you out and that." "An enema?" "Why would you have that?" "I don't" " I'm not" " I don't want it." "I don't think" "Why no" " I think I've said to you before about" "You know, you don't need to be that clean inside." "I don't mind washing me face." "What occasion do you need where you're cleaned out?" "Do you know what I mean?" "It's always a clear tube and that" "And you see all this stuff whizzing past." "I don't understand why it's clear." "I don't know why you've got to see what's coming out of you." "I guess like "the generation game, " making notes of what's whizzing past." "Forget it." "I was watching some different tv," "Saw an amazing documentary- it was called "tribes."" "This guy, he goes and lives with different tribes around the world" "These small, little indigenous people." "There was one- heen wt to papua, new guinea" "In indonesia right, karl?" "He lived wit the kombai tribe, all right?" "Now this papua, new guinea, is an extraordinary place," "Because it is one of the only places left on earth" "That hasn't been fully explored." "There are parts of it- it's just blank on the map, 'cause they've never explored that." "They don't know what's there." "They don't know what's going on." "So fstirly, that must already fakre you out." "Image inthat. 21st century" "They have no idea what's going on down there." "But do they edne to know if there'sot nhing going on?" "well, they" "They don't kw nowhat's going on." "There could be stuff going on" "No, but there's no chance that they'll go, "we haven't been over there,"" "Someone goes and there's an arndale centre." "Nothing's going to be there, is it?" "Well, I'll tell you atwh is there." "There's these various small tribes" "Some of these tribes are still cannibals," "Eating people from other tribes." "Do they know they could move on?" "Have they got a telly?" "Or have th seyeen a telly and gone, "I'm not up for that"?" "Or are they just- are they saying" " It's not the amish." " They haven't chosen this." "But what is the difference between the amish and these people?" "Well, the amish are a group of people that choose to live in that way." "These people are essentially untouched by civilization." "I mean, they do have interaction with civilization" "D people do come there, but they still live" "In this very- almost prehistoricay w." "They did buy a telly, but there was nothing on" "Because there wasn't any broadcasters." " Stephen:" "They couldn't plug it in." " Ricky:" "Yeah." "stephen:" "It would've been an absolute nightmare." "There was one guy, he said his brother was dying." "This was a couple of years ago- his brother was dying." "He said to his dying brother, "what happened?" "Why are you dying?"" "This guy said, "it was a bloke in anotheril vlage."" "He goes over to the other village." "He kills this other bloke." "He eats him-- or eats bits of him." "The other village gets annoyed." "They go, "what's going on?" "Why'd you kill this bloke they were- "sorry about that."" "They said, "you ne to make it up to us." "" he gave them a pig." "they said, "a pig's not enough."" "Then he gave them five pig so five pigs apparently" "Made up for the fact that he killed one of them." "They said "hang on what are you gonna do about this bloke's wife?"" "Why were they bartering?" "Why didn't they get" "The police in and say, "what's going on?"" "The police?" " Yeah." "Why didn't they call in kojak?" "'cause he would've sorted it out, wouldn't he?" "What I mean is they're miles away from anything," "But it doesn't sound like a great place to live." "Could they not mov could one of them go" ""you know what?" "I'm sick of this." "I'm moving or whatever and going to a proper city"?" "How far away are these papua people To the next" "To the next-- - they're like the smurfs." "They' vreery like the smurfs." "How many miles away from a place" "With a normal life going on?" "Think about this, karl." "Firstly, they don't speak the language," "So they don't have any practical skills." "They've got no experienc of civilization." "Even if they chose to go and live in on of these cities," "What can they do how can they function?" "I think there's some bacteria that has better lives than that." "That's got to be offensive." "Why?" "Okay, butht is is one of the weirdest things" "This is one of the weirdesthi tngs, right?" "Sorry." "An entire people- an entire race of people" " He said" " I'm not" " I'm not having a go." "I'm just saying I wouldn't fancy it, is what I mean." "But they don't know of another world." "Hocow uid they imagine that they could- "I'll tell you what." "This is boring." "I'm tired of hunting for food" "And eating fish from the river." "I'd like a world where the'ers ipods" "And room service." "I'm gonna go and move to new york."" "But they're not thinking like that, are they, karl?" "'cause they don't know about this other world." "But people go to these places on holiday now," "They like a little bit of danger." "They like to see how the others live." "All I'm saying is we know they exist- the papua people." "Maybe people aren't going there." "It doesn't sound like the best place." "You know, I can't imagine having a tourist board" "Or anything, right?" "But would they accept me if I popped over there" "With shoes on in papua?" "Well, this is one of the things they do," "Which is a traditi you may have to do." "These kombai, right, they invert their penises." "So they push their penises back up inside their bodies." " Like a sock." " What for?" " Well-- - keeps it out of the way." "Of what?" " Stephen:" "If you're running through the undergrowth," "Chasing a hog, you don't want it flapping away." "But-- - but it's also become a ceremonial thing," "So if you were over there, you may have to try it yourself." "But-- you will have to become try it yourself." "If you went there, you'd have to try it yourself." "But even caveman had little pants on." " Why haven't they-- - both:" "Whoa!" " Slow down." " Rewind." "What do you mean?" " Okay, you've been watching "the flintstones."" " No no no, it's just- - is it a leopard skin pair of pants?" "That's actually quite-- go on." "But it's a well-known fact that they wore" "Bear pants or whatever." "Bear pants?" "What do you mean?" "No no no no no, listen." "You are a qualified anthropologist," " So what" " I mean," "Whenever you see 'em on footage or in a museum" "Foote?" "Ag - yeah, whenever you see that early documentary footage" "It's black and white, isn't it?" "Caveman footage." "You always see 'em wearing a little bit of fur" "Furry little pants and tt." "Ha so what I'm saying is" "Even though-- what year is it to these people in the woods?" "I don't know what this conversation is anymore." "He's just clutching at straws." "His mind" "It's like a fly, his mind, isn't it?" "" "It's just buzzing around, trying to find a window." "It's hitting against pieces of information" " But they're just bouncing off." " yeah." " Stephen:" "Dazed and perplexed." " Oh, forget it then." "I was shopping with karl before christmas" "And we went around piccadilly and st." "James's" "Those really beautiful shops around there." "I went in one shop." "We had to ring a bell to enter." "ricky:" "It's an iconoclastic shop." "They found things from churches" "Nearly all russian 16th-century pieces onwards." "These beautiful carvings, paintings and statues." "I went, "oh, it's beautiful." "" as I was looking around," "I heard karl sidle up to the bloke and go," ""what's the newest thing you've got here?"" "yeah." "Sur that's his first thought." "I mean, that I the wrong question to ask of a man" "Who's clearl in antiques..." " Yes." "...Proud of the fact he's got 16th-century iconoclastic russian stuff," "To ask "what's the newest thing you've got here?"" "What sort of question is that?" ""oh, I don't know." "Probably the doorbell." "I don't know." "What-- what-- my shirt."" " What were you thinking?" " What were you looking for?" "I think it's an all right question, 'cause he was saying there's loads of old stuff in there" "And he kept going on about the old stuff." "So I was just saying "what'the newest thing you've got?"" "What was the newest thing?" " Do you know the other question he asked him?" "He said, "how often do you get new stuff in?"" "I said to him, "why did you ask that?" he said, "I was thinking" "If you've got antiques and you sell it all, what's left?"" "I've never see anything like it" "At any point in me life." "I don't think I'll ever go" ""I need some old russian wood." "" - it was brilliant!" " No." " Steve, it was beautiful." "It was amazing stuff." "It's-- there's these things from the 16th century" "Of saints and monks, and they're carved" "But there's loads of it." "It's just all piled up." "No one's interested." "If I was him, I'd go, "do you know what?" "I am into this, but no one else is close shop." "Seriously, it's just piled up." "Piles upon piles" "Of old bits of wood with pictures on it and that." "But just think of a man 400 years ago" "That carved this- that carved this" "No, but nobody wants I do they?" "I've never heard of anyone say," ""look, it's me birthday coming up." "I'll tell you what I'd love."" ""what?" "a bit of old russian wood."" " - it doesn't- - it doesn't happen." "That's what I'm saying." "I've never heard anyone say" "I've never overheard someone say, "you don't know where" "The russian shop I do you?"" "And this is in london where the rates are high." "There was this thing, steve, with them old drawings on" "It was a panel from a church that someone had pateind." "Yeah, right." " I think was from 1590 or somethg." "And it was a picture of this saint, wasn't it?" "He said 1590." "It could bfre any time, really." "So there's this one there, leaning up against the wall" "Most of them in there was that stalin bloke, right?" "But there as this-- - right, can I stop you there lenin." "Right." "All right." "St- ephen:" "Okay, ahye." "Hsoe was on all these bsit of wood and stuff." "But I sathw is other little face, right?" "A little fella with a beard." "So I said, "who's this bloke here?"" "He said, "oh, the story there" "It's this little fella and he got mugged back in russia."" "this is right, isn't it?" "This is what he said." "He said he got mugged." "Yeah, it's just that term." "I love that term in a 16th-century russian wood" ""oh no, I'm being mugged."" " Karl:" "So he got mugge - he got happy-slapped." "And he said, " I've had enough of this."" "And he went to live in the woods, right?" "" "Made a little shed, stayed there." "People went to visit him." "If you've got a problem, you knock on his door... -  ...You go "I'm sick of it," he'll say, "yeah, I know what you mean." "I've moved out of the city, " and what have you." "He'd make 'em feel better and then they'd go again." "Now why has that man got a plaque?" "a plaque." "If he was around now, there's no way he would have" "A bit of wood with his face on it, is what I'm saying." "If someone got fed up with living in london, new york or whatever," "And they go, "I'm gonna go live in the woods,"" "People wouldn't visit him and he wouldn't get" "A piece of wood with his facone it is what I'm saying." "but this man was selling it for about" "I think it was about 750 quid for this bloke's head." "But the chances are that this is" "Either a well-know russian folktale" "Or it may even b a piece of classic russian literature." "He's a saint." "He was a saint." "He was canonized." "Yeah, but everybody wa a saint years ago." "That seems to be thrown about, doesn't it?" "Who is a saint now?" "Name me one now." "You have this fella who lived in the woods in a hut." "Oh, yeah, that's saint john or whatever." "he's not a saint." "He's done nothing." "If anything, he's said "I can't be bothered" "With living in the city with everyone else." "I can't put up with it." "I'm gonna live in the woods."" "Well, if you can't put up with it, you're not good enough, are you?" "You've got no stamina." "And yet he gets a plague, is what I'm saying." " It's annoying." " Who would you like to see" "Get a plag in the modern world?" "Who deserves a plague in your opinion?" "Probably nurses and that, who do a lot of bad things" "That I think I couldn't do, like carrying lungs about and all that." "No, but I couldn't do- do you know what I mean?" "That's one job that" "Me mum wanted me to be a doctor." "wow." " What was she thinking?" " Wow." "Oh, what's her expectations like now?" "Oh, this apple didn't fa far from the tree." "Oh, when did she sta giving up that dream?" "At what age did she start going" ""karl, you don't need to study your books anymore." "Go and play with the worms in the garden."" "When did she let you off of that dream?" "Was that the day she caught you with a spoon up your nose?" "Anyway, talking about emails and that, right?" "Nick, who's emailed from australia-- melbourne" "He's been going on" "About dolphins and that- problems with dolphins." " What problems?" " He's just saying" "That when that wind happened" "It was a bad wind thing going on." "Hold on, wait a minute." "What bad wind?" " Um, in america." "They had that- - - hurricane katrina?" "Yeah, and there was a little bay with dolphins in it" "With guns on them and stuff." " Whoa whoa whoa whoa." " They use dolphins, don't they?" "They say they're intelligent animals and stuff." " Yeah." " They've t them all" "They've all had the training." "They're all adrey for battle." " Ricky:" "Righ t." " They've got rifles on 'em." " What do you mean, rifles?" " Karl:" "They've got weapons." " How can they hold the rifle?" " No, it's sort of on a strap" " What do you mean it's aon strap?" " I don't know what" "They kit 'em out with, but they're just ready for war." "wh aatre you talki about?" "!" "That isn't the point." "Don't worry about it." "Oh, we'll leave that one." " That's not the point." " Karl:" "So they're swimming about" "Rick yeah, with rifles and berets." "Whatever they've got on- ready for battle and stuff." " Ricky:" "Ready for battle." " Karl:" "The ndwi comes in..." " Ricky:" "Hurricane katrina." " ..." "Makes a wave and that." " They get out of the little bay..." " Ricky:" "Yeah." "...Still all kitted out with all the weapons." "You're talking bollocks." " Steve, do you want to look at the email?" " Well, there is no way" "There's loads of dolphins now swimming around" "Kitted out with guns and that with a strap." "How could a dolphin hold a" "Again, youe 'vbeen watching " planet of the apes."" ""oh, he's trying to talk to us." "" " ""what's he saying?" "he's saying, 'go ahead, punk." "Make my day.'" " You're talking shit." " It's just news to say" "If you see a dolphin, don't go" ""oh, it's friendly," 'cause there's some with weapons now." "I'm just reading out an email." "That's-- that'll cover it and that, so-- - bollocks." "Karl, can we have some monkey news before I die?" " All right." " Oh, chimpanzee that." "Monkey news, you..." "This monkey thatas w knocking about called ollie," "It was in this zoo And it was the only monke in there, right?" "It was getting a bit lonely, 'cause it was sharing its ti" "With an elephant and a giraffe." " No, that's doesn't happen." " They didn't really get on" "No no, whoa whoa whoa." "No, wait wait wait wait." " They do not-- - let me just tell you" " They do not put chimpanzees in with- - - but let me tell you" "But it's not true." "Gervais,it was some kind of flat shar" "They put out for I in the student union" "You know, "we've got two rooms to let."" ""african mammal wanted, non-specific."" " A mammoth and a-- - what I'm saying is" "There were other elephants for elephants to knock about with," "And not the monkey." "It was the only one there." "So what happened is the zookeeper..." "Right. -..." "Felt a bit sorry for him." "He started to get pally with him." "So at lunchtime when the zookeeper sat on the wall," "Having his ham butty or whatever," "He started going, "are you all right?" "Yeah?"" "And it used to come over closer and closer." " Ricky:" "Yeah." " Karl:" "Anyway, within a month" "He was sitting on the wa having his lunch with him." "Untrue." "Go on." " So he sat there and as time goes on," "He sort of sat with hi most of the y." "The monkey's walking around with him, helping him feed the other animals." " Ricky:" "No." " Karl:" "But then the zookeeper," "At the end of the night when he's locking up and stuff," "He'd feel bad because he'd be leaving the zoo" "And ollie sat ther he's like, "I'll see you tomorrow."" "The monkey's like, "yeah, all right." "See you later."" "He's looking all fed up, because he got a home to go to" "And he's still stuck in his ways, working every day." "He's never going home, right?" "No, he's sleeping at work, the monkey." " So anyway," "The zookeeper goes home and says to his wife," ""look." "Ollie's having a bit of a time at the moment."" "She said, "oh yeah?" "What's going on?"" ""well, he's looking a bit fed up." "He's sick of it. " she said, "bring him home."" "It didn't happen." "This is in your head." "So she said, "yeah, bring him home tonight."" "So he's looking forward to going into work." "He sees ollie, he doesn't tell him straightaway." "( laughs like it's a surprise!" " It's a surprise for him later. - ( laughs like it's a surprise!" " It's a surprise for him later." " Karl:" "He gets to the end of the day..." " Ricky:" "Yeah." "...And he's like, "get your coat." "" he's like, "what?"" "Coat?" "What do you mean, "get your coat"?" "No no, whatever the equivalent is, all right?" "Whatever you say to a monkey." "It was kind of like" "A you're-coming-with-me sort of thing." "Right." " Karl:" "So he's going, "oh, brilliant."" "No he's not!" "What do you mean, "he's going 'brilliant'"?" "He takes it home - stephen:" "So he gets his hat and coat" "He goes back to the zookeeper's house." "Everything's going well for about a week and a half, ght?" "Treating him really well." "He sat there." "He's having a brandy at night" "Before he goes to bed." "So he said to his wife, "you're at home all day."" "Oh, jesus. - "I'll go to work." "I'll leave it with you."" "All right?" "So ollie stays at home." " Ricky:" "Yeah." " Anyway, as time goes on," "A little bit of trouble while the fella's busy... -  ...At work, he starts getting a little bit cheeky." " He tries it on with the missus." " Whoa!" "Right." " How does the monkey try it on with the missus?" " You're talking shit." " This is classic monkey news." "How does he try it on with the missus?" "So he's a bit drunk." "He stinks of smoke." "The monkey did play." "Did the zookeeper's wife reciprocate these affections?" "She probably went along with it at first." "She's cooking at home, getting the tea ready" "And he walks past, pinching her ass or whatever." "do you know what I mean?" "Just like with humans, it starts off as a bit of fun." "Before you know it, split up in the end," "The zookeeper and the what's-it," "And the monkey stayed with the woman." "It's all there." " Honestly, the fa-- your imagination." " Well, look it up." " You should write stories." " You should write." " Get people to look it up." "Just put in "monkey chimp ollie."" "And it's all there."