"Look at this mess." "I know." "Can you believe this ?" "The quints didn't put the groceries away again." "And look at the board." "They're barely doing any of their chores." "They've been getting away with murder, and it's all my fault." "I have been too nice." "I am too nice !" "I didn't want to say anything." "Hey, what's in the box ?" "Oh, I won a sales contest at work." "Let's see what I got." " Hey, look, a cell phone." " Wow." "You know who'd love this ?" "The quints." "Oh, it would make them so happy." "We gotta get rid of it." "Yeah, those kids can't share anything." "Remember the "tickle me Elmo" incident of '95 ?" "I'll never forget the image of Elmo's writhing decapitated body,still laughing." " What are you laughing at ?" " Nothing." " You hiding something ?" " No." " What are you hiding ?" " Nothing." "I can tell you're hiding something." "I have nothing to hide." "Oh, my god." "A nomia 3650 with a 16-Mb memory and camera phone !" "Mom and dad got us all cell phones !" "Before you get all excited, no one's getting a phone." "Your dad only won one." "So, just pick one of us to give the phone to." "Yeah, if you pick me I could send it to yaba, my mongolian pen pal." "Forget it." "You know the rule." "If there's not enough for all of you, none of you get it." "All that rule does is make sure that none of us ever gets anything." "Well, I'm sorry you feel so deprived, but we do make exceptions." "Patton gets growth hormones." "Yeah, but you buy them over the internet." "I think I might be growing boobs." "All right,let's just not make such a big deal about this." "We're talking about a phone." "It's not just about a phone." "It's about us always losing out on stuff just because we're quints." "I mean, for once in your lives, just pick one of us." "Hey, knock it off." "We're not just going to pick one of you." "That wouldn't be fair." "Your mother's right." "And that's why we're gonna have a contest." "What ?" "At the end of one week's time, whoever does the most chores will win this phone." "I'll be using a very complicated system of points based on skill, speed and... well, other things that are too difficult to explain right now." "You gotta be kidding." "You think we're a bunch of monkeys who'll just jump if you wave a banana in our face ?" "Bob, a contest ?" "What kind of parenting is that ?" "We don't reward our kids for doing stuff they're supposed to do." "We control them through fear and punishment." "Trust me, this is going to be better than when we used to keep them on leashes at the mall." "I didn't tell you about that ?" "Patton, what are you doing ?" "Changing the lightbulbs." "Dad's giving me ten points per watt." "Man, look at yourself." "You are letting dad totally control you." "I mean, don't you see how degrading this is ?" "No, but I'd love to hear all about it sometime." "Why don't you give me a call on my cell phone ?" "You know, you might get better reception down here." "Oh, god !" "Ow, my shoulders." "Patton, listen to me." "If we want mom and dad to recognize us as individuals, we have to take a stand." "Dude, I'm not tall enough to take a stand." "Girls love you, but I need every edge I can get." "That's why I need this cell phone." "Well, whatever happened to,"I'm a little boy lost." "Can you take me home ?"" "This is even better." "I've befriended six girls in rocky relationships and when one of them crumbles, guess who they'll call ?" "Rebound guy." " Mm, can't they call you at home ?" " What if the line's busy ?" "Response time's the name of the game." "I've gotta get in there while their self-esteem is still low." "Patton, man, we have a chance to break a vicious cycle." "To show mom and dad things have changed." "We're not babies anymore." "Of course we're not." "Right, mr." "Snuggles ?" "Hey, give me that !" "Dear yaba..." "I love the music you sent me, but I have to listen to it on my headphones or my brothers punch me." "Right now they are punching each other." "Punching is a big part of american culture." "Oh !" "I also really enjoyed the hat." "I'm wearing it right now." "Oh, good news" "I'm in the process of winning you a cell phone, which is like smoke or drums." "I have to go now to clean the toilet, which is like a hole in the ground." "Hello, boys." "Let's see." "Desks tidy, beds made, floor visible." "Very nice, ten points each." "That's very generous of you, dad." "Shamelessly sucking up." "That's another ten points." "I arranged the books in order of height." "And then rearranged them in order of width." "Efficiency, five points." "Pointlessness, ten points." "Good work, guys." "So, parker, you know, it's still not too late to get in on the contest." "Don't you want a cell phone ?" "Look, just because you have the others jumping through hoops like trained seals does not mean that I'm going to balance your ass on my nose." "That's too bad, 'cause that would have been worth 1,000 points." "I guess this door is broken." "Thank you." "But no points." "You should have never put me in that position." "Hey, dad, I cleaned under the sink and found a bunch of dead roaches, see ?" "Very disgusting. 50 points." "I'm impressed, paige." "Dad, you have no idea how badly I need this phone." "I'm the only one of my friends who doesn't have one." "It's so embarrassing." "I've actually started carrying this." " What's that ?" " It's a fake phone." "A cell-phony." "Paige, that is a heartbreaking story." "So I'm going to give you a very special gift." "You can clean all the crap out of the garage." "Thank you." "Come in." "Penny, this is the hardest I've ever seen you work for anything." "You must really want that phone." "What, are you kidding ?" "I just don't want that blonde bim getting it." "She'll be talking on it day and night." "How can someone who doesn't have a thought in her head have so much to say ?" "You know, it pains me to see my kids not getting along." "By the way, she's 40 points up on you." "Chop, chop !" "He said that, Brenda ?" "It sounds to me like he's just emotionally unavailable." "I just want you to know, you're not alone." "I'm here for you 24/7, baby." "Yes, I am sensitive." "You likey ?" "I am so up her shirt." "So you going to use a stepladder or just make a running jump ?" "Here you go, dad." "Nice and cold." "Ten points, honey." "Oh, boy, you put a lot of ice in there." "You know what, it's fine." "Actually, one less cube would be perfect." " Hi, honey." " Hi, Carol." "Where you been ?" "Well and don't take this as an endorsement of your little contest but since all the chores are getting done, I actually had time to go to the gym." "And it was great." "I took this really crazy aerobics class." "Ready for this ? "Erotic pole-dancing."" "Oh, you just earned a million points." "Here you go, dad." "Just like you like it." "Ah, thanks." "That is way to sweet." "I'm so going to pee in this." "Bob, I thought this contest was about getting the kids to do their chores." "Honey, you're right." "Using Penny like that was bad parenting." " Hey, dad, here's your ham and..." " Not now !" "This pedicure is so disgusting." "Yeah, well, don't wait so long next time to give me one." "Next channel." "Next." "Oh, wait; go back." "Oh, forget it, it was a guy." "Next." "Pearce, this head massage is amazing." "It's a mongolian cranial rub." "Yaba does it to his yak before he eats it." "Thank god you had a big breakfast." "Wow." "You know, maybe this should be our christmas photo." "Dad and his little elf slaves." "Parker, either start rubbing something or get the hell out of here." "Oh, that tickles." "No, no, I like it; keep going." "What is going on here ?" "Pearce, clap your hands twice." "Take five, everybody." "Now, carol, before you say anything, just follow me." "Bob, you are out of control." "You're turning our kids into your personal servants." "I resent that." "I'm doing this for the kids." "Over the course of this week, they've built character, they built a work ethic, but best of all... ..they built this." "You had our children install a stripper pole in our bedroom ?" "Well, actually, it was just Patton." "Man, that little guy can swing a hammer." "Don't worry, I told him it was extra structural support for the ceiling." "I think he very much wanted to believe that." "All right, bob, this disturbing little contest of yours ends now." "Well, actually, it ends in 15 minutes." "So, if you'll excuse me, I got to go tally some points." "By the way, there's some rosin in the bathroom." "Dad's coming down the stairs." "I am so nervous." "Penny, would you hold my hand when he makes the announcement ?" "You really don't get me, do you ?" "Okay, let me start by saying that you kids made me really proud." "There are no losers today." "And there are also no winners." "It was it was a four-way tie." "So, I'm extending the contest another week." "Good luck." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." "What is going on ?" "Dad just extended the contest another week." "Wow, that's even more evil than when he put us on leashes." "I can't believe what I was willing to do for that stupid phone." "I made dad breakfast every day." "I hope that extra side of bacon kills him." "I let him convince me to install an extra support beam in their room." " Actually, that's..." " It's a support beam, please." "I can't believe I ran into that thing in the dark." "Well, it serves you right." "Yeah, I got to get patton to install a light that shines on the pole." "Bob, I can't believe you extended that contest." "Oh, now I'm never going to get a light on the pole." "The first museum o oto be in here any minute." " Just let me do the talking." " But, I..." "We tried it your way." "And now it's time for damage control." "Yes, okay." "We got your little message." "And I think we're all in agreement your dad went a little crazy with this whole contest thing." "Well, I... so now it's over." "And from now on, you'll only be required to do your normal, basic chores." "You don't get it, do you ?" "We're not doing any of our chores until our demands are met." " Your demands ?" " We want five cell phones." "And a yak saddle." "Wait a minute." "Last I checked, you weren't even in this contest." "So why are you the spokesman ?" "Because these guys were tired of being jerked around by you and came to me for help." "Oh, really ?" "Well, that's minus 100 points for each of you." "Yeah." "We looked in your little notebook last night." "It's just filled with a bunch of drawings of cap'n crunch." "I liked page 17." "You really captured the pain of a life at sea." "Look, there's no way we're getting you guys five cell phones." "Fine." "No phones, no chores." "Well, fine." "No chores, you're all grounded for a month." "Go ahead, ground us." "We can hang with each other." "Okay." "Then you're each grounded on a different night of the week." "So we can go out on the other nights ?" "No, you're all grounded every night, and no allowance." "We don't need money if we're grounded." "Oh, do you kids really think you can take us on ?" "Do you ?" "Do you ?" "We are so screwed." "They're not scared of us anymore." "You happy, bob ?" "You broke punishment." "Oops." "Now they know the secret we've been trying to keep from them all these years they outnumber us." "We're powerless, and it's your fault !" "Look, we cannot let them know that they are getting to us." "We have got to put a united front." "Act like everything's fine." " So, maybe you should just..." " Bob, I am not getting on the pole !" "I admit I went a little too far with this contest thing, but I've got a way out." "Now, Parker has banded the kids together." "They're closer than ever." "So all we need to do is make them fear, loathe and mistrust each other." "Finally, you're making sense." "Yeah, I am, aren't I ?" "Enough with the pole, Bob." "Patton, could I talk to you in the hallway for a second ?" "Okay." "So, what do you want, dad ?" "Do you know what time it is ?" "9:30." "Great." "Thanks." "So, what was that all about ?" "Dad just wanted to know what time it was." "Yeah, right." "You little weasel you're making a secret deal with dad to get the phone." "No, I'm not." "I should have made a secret deal with dad." "I can tell time." "Everybody calm down." "Patton didn't make any kind of a deal with dad." "Hey, Patton, I enjoyed our little talk." "Call me." "Oh, Pearce, honey, could you hold this for a sec ?" " Sure." " Thanks." "Oh my god, he's doing chores behind our back so his friend yoda will get the phone." "It's Yaba." "Yoda doesn't need a phone." "He freakin' floats." "And I'm not doing chores." "I'm just holding this basket of laundry for mom." "Oh, Pearce, you did the laundry." "That is so sweet." " You lying sack..." " I am not !" "Whoa, whoa...guys, guys !" "Guys, come on." "Can't you see what they're trying to do ?" "They want us to fight." "They know that if they can break us apart, they win." "That just shows how desperate they're getting." "So, all we have to do is keep doing nothing." " And we're good at that." " I'm great at doing nothing." "I can do it in my sleep." "Dear Yaba !" "It's been seven hoots of the sacred owl since the strike started." "Our plight still continues, but our goal is worthy." "Under my wise brother's leadership, we've turned this place into a real hole." "Oh, god, Bob, I can't take it anymore." "This place reeks." "Oh, it's got to be getting to the kids as much as us." "Are you kidding ?" "They're like pigs." "They frolic in their own filth." "Oh, look at you two." "You know, I enjoy watching my parents suffer as much as the next kid, but guys, this is starting to get sad." "Give up while you still got some dignity." "Hey, we have plenty of dignity." "Bob, you've got a banana peel stuck to your ass." "I know." "You know, none of this would have happened if you'd have just given one of us the phone." "I mean, give us some credit." "We could have handled it." "You know, you're right." "We haven't been giving you kids enough credit." "Parker, you decide who gets it." "Really ?" "May it bring you as much joy as it's brought us." "Parker, I really need this phone." "You know I need every edge I can get." "Parker, this phone could change Yaba's life." "Seriously, man." "Parker, I really, really, really need that phone." "I really, really, really need for paige not to get that phone." " Well ?" " Well ?" " Well ?" "Seriously, don't give her the phone." "I'll be right back." "Well, dad... it's done." "So, who did you pick ?" "Who's the lucky winner ?" "Guess." "Who would, uh, you have picked ?" " You couldn't do it, could you ?" " God, it's hard !" " Oh, it is." "See ?" " Man, what do I do ?" "Well, I'm gonna give you a piece of advice that my father gave me." "He said : son,whenever you're confronted with a difficult decision in life, there's always a weaselly way out." "Thanks, dad." "Maybe you can pass that on to your son some day." "And now appearing on the main stage..." "Wait, what's my stripper name again ?" " You better go." " Yeah, I better..." "Guys, this has been a tough decision." "You all have really good reasons why you should get the phone, but one person definitely stood out as the most deserving." "Me." "So, I'm keeping it." "See you." " You little weasel." " Stop !" "Stop it !" "Look at yourselves." "How greedy can you be ?" "You have everything, but you still want more." "There's only one person who really deserves this phone." "Yaba." "For us, this phone's a luxury, but for Yaba's village, this phone could be a lifeline to the world." " He's right." " Yeah." " We're being selfish." "Hey, thanks, Pearce." "You're a better person than we are." "Dear Yaba," "Parker has finally decided who should get the phone." "I'm afraid I have some bad news." "It was washed away in a terrible, terrible storm." "Synchro :" "Van'"