"Holy cow!" "gentleman Joe Cavanaugh, coming here!" "Oh, uh, excuse me, Colonel." "Please continue." "No problem, Padre." "Couldn't have said it any better myself." " Certainly not any louder." " What's so great about gentleman Joe Cavanaugh?" "Oh, where haveyou been living all your life?" "He was only the undefeated middleweight champion for nineyears." "He had a left hook that could have put the lights out on a water buffalo." "Doesn't he own a big restaurant in Hollywood now?" "Yeah." "I hear it's always crawling with celebrities." " Especially beneath the bar." " Where the elite fall offtheir feet." "Well, here to give us some background on gentleman Joe- ifthere's any left- [ Chuckles ] is Major Robert Hatch from Army Information." " Major?" " Thankyou, Colonel." "The champ is on a goodwill tour sponsored by the State Department." "He'll be here for about five hours." "That'll give him enough time to shake hands with yourwounded boys." " You do have wounded?" " Oh, sure." "We have them custom made in a factoy in North Korea." " We're their best customer." " Fine, fine." "And to showyour appreciation, you're gonna give the champ a banquet... which is good news foryou, because he only eats steak." "[ All Exclaiming ]" "Is that what it takes to get a steak dinner around here, a visit from someJoe Palooka." " I wonder ifhe eats it cooked." " Oh, cram it, will ya?" "Don't tie on the bibs justyet, folks." "Major, let's don't make promises you can't eat." "The only beefwe've got around here is a la shingle." "No problem." "No problem." "To get those steaks, just call Supply and mention that memo." " Which memo?" " About the champ's tour." "It came from general Wilberforce two weeks ago." "Instructs all units to give the champ anything he wants." "I hopeyou brought a copywith you." "Halfthe memos sent here get classified "missing in action."" "Oh, you don't need it." "Just mention it when you call." " Ifyou say so, but hearing is believing." " Fine." "Fine." " Now, Colonel, I'd like to check out the Mess Tent" " Sure." "so I can draw up a seating arrangement." "I want to order some steaks." " That's right." "Steaks." " [DoorCloses ] give me a break, will ya?" "They told me to mention some memo... from general Wilberforce's office, and" "Oh, I don't know." "T-bone, about an inch thick." "How manyyou got?" "Sixty'll be fine!" "Welcome, Champ!" " How was the trip?" " Oh, great." "One jeep, four guys and a tripod... potholes you could hide in, and all the dust I could swallow." "Sory, Champ." "We'll getyou that extra jeep." " [ Clears Throat ]" " Oh, uh, this is the CO here..." " Colonel Sherwood Potter." " Uh, a lot offolks call me Sherman." " Pleasure." " [ Clears Throat ]" "Oh, this is our clerk, Sergeant Klinger." "You wouldn't believe what a lot offolks call me. [ Chuckles ]" "How areyou?" "So, where are the wounded boys?" "They've got a ward right around the corner." "Sergeant, why don'tyou give the boys a hand and find..." " a parking meter for this heap?" " Yes, sir." "gentleman Joe." "It is you!" "I can't tell you what an honor and privilege this is." "You have no idea how long I've dreamt ofthis occasion." " Nice to meetyou too." " Well, now thatyou've met, why don't I introduceyou?" "Oh, thankyou, Colonel." "I'm the chaplain here." " Right." " Francis Mulcahy" " Father Francis." "Actually, we have met before." " We have?" " Yes, it was 20 years ago... after the galligan fight at Convention Hall in Philadelphia." "You were getting intoyour car... and I stuck my face in the window and waved atyou." "[ Laughs ] I-I was wondering ifyou might remember." " No, I'm afraid I don't." " Well, I understand." "It was a while ago." "Uh, Champ, this is one of our surgeons, Major Charles Winchester." "Mr. Cavanaugh, it's always a pleasure to meet someone who arrives..." " accompanied by a steak dinner." " Nice to meetyou too." " So, uh, where are the wounded?" " It's right this way." "Uh, sad to say, we've got a full house." "Well, gentlemen, I'll seeyou later." "Champ, now we'll go in there and you'll do the hand-pumping routine." "We'll have the cameras going." "Then we're gonna have a little banquet foryou..." " then we move on to the 6022 Artilley." " Move on?" "How many ofthese nickel-and-dime units are we going to?" "Champ, there are a lot of people out here who really loveyou." " Uh, I count myselfamong" " Is this your idea ofbooking a tour?" "You've got me hopping around like Bugs Bunny." " Champ, I'm really sory, but" " Let me tell you something." "Ifyou're gonna drag me all over Korea, you better get me a second jeep... or I'm gonna get me a new boy." "Hey, what's eveybody doing in bed?" "Is it nap time?" "Hey, it's gentleman Joe Cavanaugh!" "I was in the neighborhood." "I thought I'd drop in." " How's Hollywood treating you, Champ?" " Oh, I love it there." "You walk down the street, and you see nothing but blondes... with perfect bodies and tans that won't quit." " And that's just the guys." " [ Staff, Patients Laughing ]" " Hey, how's your pal Truman?" " Ah, he's fine." " I just wish his kitchen wasn't so hot." " [ Mulcahy Laughing ]" " What happened toyou, slugger?" " grenade landed in my foxhole." " geez, you look like me after I went 1 5 with Billy Soose." " [ Chuckling ]" "Hang in there, son." "We're proud ofyou." "Oh, and by the way, we're proud of you folks too." "You're doing a bang-up job." " They keep getting banged up, we'll keep doing ourjob." " Thankyou." "Hey, Champ." "What's the toughest fightyou ever had?" "Uh, probably the Zale fight." "Nah, tougher than that..." " the fight to keep myweight." " [ Laughs ]" "Hey, Champ, wouldyousign mycast?" "Sure, but you gotta remember, I'm a boxer." " You're gonna have to help me with the spelling." " [Laughter]" " Nice guy." " Oh, a true gentleman." "That same gentleman you now see flashing teeth..." " was not two seconds ago using them to devour an associate." " Now just a minute." "I'd be a little testy myselfifI'd just finished a long, uncomfortable jeep ride." "Is there any such thing as a comfortable jeep ride?" "Father, why areyou defending that pug?" "His only claim to fame is that he used to beat people to a pulp." "Oh, yeah?" "Well I heard that Florence Nightingale messed around." "[ Chattering ]" "[Soldier's Voice ] Doyousee that guy?" "[ Chattering Continues ]" "Darn good steak." "You folks always eat like this?" "You know, Mister C... one time when Mildred and I were on vacation in, uh, tinseltown" "[ Chuckles ] we had the pleasure ofvisiting your establishment." "We tried a couple ofthose drinks you call "The Knockout Punch."" " Yeah, they sure pack a wallop." " Ho-ho, don't I know it." "Afterwards, we wobbled up the street to that Chinese Theatre." "Who'd have thought Theda Bara's feet..." " are smaller than Mildred's face?" " [ All Laugh ]" "Say, dollface... how about a couple of shots ofyou posing with the champ?" "Mmm, no thankyou, sweetie." "Excuse me,Joe?" "I know how a great boxer likeyourself... must get sick and tired of people asking questions aboutyour fights." "There's only one question I tire of." "Why did I keep dropping my left in that fight with garcia?" "Oh." "Oh, well, uh, never mind." "Say, Colonel, how about a shot ofyou toasting the champ?" "Oh, gee." "I don't know." "[ Chuckles ]" " I'm not whatyou call a-a georgeJessel." " Come on, Colonel." " go ahead" " Oh, what the hey." " [ Laughs ] - [ Cheering ]" "I'd like to, uh- [ Clears Throat ] uh, propose a toast to the champion fighter" "[ Clears Throat ] uh, restaurateur" " Well, I'm just winging this." " [Laughter]" "But, uh, I guess what I'm tying to say is... thanks for popping in on us." " Hear!" "Hear!" " gentleman Joe!" " [ Hatch ] What's the matter?" " [ Clamoring ]" "What is it?" "What's happened to him?" "Somebody get a litter." "get him into post-op." "Keep him on 1 0 percent "D" and "W."" "Catheterize him, take his vital signs..." " evey 1 5 minutes till he's stable." " Right." " How is he?" "Is he all right?" " No." " What is it?" " He's had a stroke- a massive one." "Is he gonna pull through?" "I wouldn't get your hopes up, Father." "Let me get this straight." "Areyou saying the champ is dying?" " Yeah, I guess I am." " Dear god." " Damn." "How long doyou give him?" " A few hours." " He's got blood in his spinal fluid." " Well you can't give upyet." "There must be a specialistwe could call." "Major, all your specialist could do is pull up a chair and waitwith the rest ofus." "He seemed so strong, sovital." "Aw, I got to call the Press Train at Munsan, get some guys down here." " Now wait a minute, Major." " Colonel, ifhe... is really dying, this is big news." "Well, whateveryou do, all I ask is..." " thatyou keep those boys on a leash." " No problem." "No problem." " [ Chattering ]" " Boy, what a dump!" " Anybody seen my typewriter?" " [ Reporter] You got anything left in that flask?" "[ Reporter #2 ] PoorJoe." "Sure wouldn't wanna drop dead in this place." " Hey, boys, how was the trip?" " Bus needs new shocks." "What in the name of Beelzebub is going on?" "Boys, this is Colonel Sherwood Potter." " These are the reporters from the Press Train." " Press Train?" "Looks likeyou've got the whole damn railroad here." "geez, Louise!" "You could at least let a fella get some clothes on." "Colonel, I'm gonna set up a press conference right away." " Could I borrowyour clerk?" " Why not?" "After all, the boy did sleep last night." " Perfect." "Thankyou, Klinger." " No problem." "No problem." " I never planned on having kids anyway." " Uh, put it over there." " Then can I go back to bed?" " Notyet." "You've got to make these guys some more coffee." "They're running low." " Wonderful." " Oh, and, uh, sharpen some pencils for me, will ya?" " Why not?" "How doyou thinkwe make the coffee?" " Ah." "Oh" "Look at this zoo." "There are probably more people here... than there are covering the truce talks." "Well, nobody at the truce talks ever squired Jean Harlow." " Couldn't this have waited until morning?" " That's what I said." "But look on the bright side." "We'll answer all their questions at once and get it overwith." "Oh, I hope so." "I left a bookmark in my pillow." "Oh, Pierce." "Come with me." " guys, guys." " Careful." "I'm saving that elbow to rub with celebrities." "guys, this is Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce, MD." "All my close reporters call me Hawkeye." "This is the doctorwho is treating gentleman Joe." "He'll answer all your questions." " [ All Talking At Once ]" " Dr. Pierce, what happened to the champ?" "Well, he suffered a massive intracranial hemorrhage." "It's a severe type ofstroke." " How severe?" " Well, he's completely paralyzed on one side..." " Uh, it's an electroencephalogram." " How doyou spell that?" " I personally spell it E-E-g." " [ Reporters Chuckle ]" " What's the prognosis?" " Well, he's dying." "It's just a matter oftime." "Uh, please, the only thing I like to be blinded by is alcohol." "gosh, that was clever." "Ourfair-haired boy seems to have taken quite a shine to the spotlight." " Dr. Pierce, tell us something aboutyourself." " Oh, me?" "Oh, well, uh" " Uh, I was born in a log hospital." " [Reporters Laughing] [ groans, Clears Throat ]" "Oh, no!" "What's next?" " [ Reporter] Read 'em and weep!" " [ Cardplayers Laughing ]" "Hey, quiet down, you guys." "I think I'm getting through." " Sergeant, you're out of paper." " There goes my honorable discharge." " What?" " Uh, there's a few sheets in the bottom drawer." "You know, speaking of drawers and sheets, I was hoping..." " to strip down to one and slip between the other." " Not now." "We need this room." "That phone is the only way these guys can get their stories out." "Aw, come on." "You may not believe it, but that card table there..." " converts into a bed." " Tonight it doesn't." "You've got to open the O-Club." "These poor guys are gonna be working all night." "Oh, my heart snores for them." "By the time these hollow legs stagger out ofhere, there won't be anything left for us." "No problem." "No problem." "You need to restock, just use Wilberforce's memo." "Ah, yes, the general's memo." "Certainly does open a lot of doors, doesn't it?" "Hey, you want to open some doors?" "Start at the Officers Club." " [ Chattering ] - [Typing]" "Excuse me, may I get by?" "Thankyou." " Uh, Major Houlihan, right?" " Right." " Any news on the champ?" " He's about the same." "How does he look?" "Is he awake?" "Does he have any idea what happened to him?" "I just told you." "He's the same." "He was in coma yesterday, and he's in coma today." " May I have my breakfast now?" " Is there somebodywith him now?" "Of course, there's somebodywith him." "There's somebodywith him round the clock." "He's getting the best care in the whole damn world." "Areyou saying he shouldn't be getting the best care?" "No!" "All I'm saying is that there's a ward full ofboys with their guts blown out... and their conditions are not gonna be printed up on the front page." " Did something happen between you and the champ?" " No" "I don't think the majorwas speaking for the record, gentlemen." " No, I was- not for the record." " Now wait a minute, Major." " Ah, Dr. Pierce!" " You can't have it both ways." "You say there's a chance" "Thanks for getting me off the hook, Father." " Well I didn't do it foryou." " [Reporter] Excuse me, Doctor." "Oh, goodness, I left my spontaneous quips in my other pants." "Uh, Dan Blevik, Ohio Newsday." "Hawkeye Pierce, Korea evey day." "We need to know about the doctorwho's going... to be in the champ's corner for his biggest fight of all." "I'm just a spectator here." "The champ is fighting this one by himself." "But tell us aboutyou- the man behind the doctor." " Look, I'd really rather have my breakfast, okay?" " It'll only take a minute." " Now where did you go to med school?" " AbsorbineJunior College." " That's a good one." "You're a pretty funny guy." " Doc, wait a minute, please" "Just think, for a moment there, we were nearly the men..." " behind the man behind the doctor." " Oh, forget it, Charles." " We don't want to be late for our "Surgeons Anonymous" meeting." " Oh." " Areyou washing orjust hiding?" " A little of each." " Those guys never give up." " [ Chuckles ]" " It's amazing." " Yeah." "So, uh, how's the champ?" "Well, to tell you the truth, I'm surprised he's made it this far." "Ah!" "Doctor Pierce." "I've been looking all over foryou." "Bill Stitzel, World News International." "Can you give me a few minutes?" " What, now, in here?" " Price offame." " I can wait outside." " No, it's all right." "My" " My nickel's up anyway." " Would you hand me my robe there?" " The purple one..." " to go with the prose." " [ Chuckles ] Thanks." "Actually, I-I'm doing a sidebar stoy on what exactly a stroke is." " I want to review my facts, make sure I've got 'em right." " Yeah, all right." "I've got a couple of questions I'm not too sure about, uh" " Excuse me, I'm from" " Didn'tyou see him?" "He just left." "Oh, no." "[ Chuckles ]" "Actually, Dr. Hunnicutt..." " I wanted to ask you a couple of questions." " Oh, yeah?" "Okay, shoot." "Tell me, what kind of a guy is Dr. Pierce?" "I don't believe those guys." ""Just give me two minutes ofyour time, Dr. Pierce."" " Ifthat was two minutes, Rome reallywas built in a day." " [ Scoffs ]" "Poor boo-boo, having the world treat your evey utterance as ifit were ofvalue." " Howyou must suffer." " Oh, what" " Come on, will you?" "Doyou" "You think having uninvited guests in the shower is fun?" "I" " I wouldn't really know." "I'm justyour eveydayJoe... poorworking slobwho takes his lunch pail to O.R. and toils in anonymity." "[ Chuckles ] You'rejealous." "Your patient is beyond help, yetyou are receiving worldwide acclaim for doing nothing." "Why on earth should I be jealous ofthat?" "Oh, good, and I thoughtyou were jealous." "Pierce, how blind can even you be?" "Eveyone in this camp is sick to death... ofwatching you throwyourself at those vultures." ""Eveyone in this camp"?" "I don't even buy eveyone in this tent." "Tell him, will you, Beej?" "Well, ifyou reallywant to know, I'm on his side." "What?" " I didn't ask forthis press party." " Maybe not." "But from where I sit, you look like you're having one hell ofa good time." " They sent me for a doctor." "Cavanaugh's slipping fast." " Dr. Pierce, you're on." " [ Chattering ]" " Shut that door,JoAnn!" "[ Sighs ] ghouls." " How much time?" " Not much." " Oh." " It's just about over." "I'm sory, Father." " Oh." " Where's his chart?" " On the desk." " Excuse me." "I'm sory I never got much of a chance to talk toyou." "There were so many things I wanted to say." "I'm sure people tell you this all the time... butyou've always been quite a hero to me." "Actually, when I was growing up..." "I had two heroes." "No offense." "You and Plato." "I knowthatsounds strange." "I loved Plato's notion of an ideal plane." "I could even picture it- rambling fields and trees- sort oflike the suburbs, but in the sky." "I wished I could live there myself." "I suppose that's because my real life was less than ideal." "I was small and wore thick glasses... probably from reading too much Plato." "And I was an easy target for the neighborhood kids." "I didn't even ty to fight back." "I didn't think fisticuffs were vey, oh, Platonic." "Well, when I was 1 2, my father dragged me to see my first fight." "It was you versus Tony giovanetti." "By the ninth round, you were punching him at will." "The crowd was yelling, "Put him away." "Put him away."" "My fatherwas one ofthe loudest." "All ofa sudden, you stopped punching." "You stepped back, and you told the refto stop the fight... because the man had been hurt enough." "And I realized for the first time... that it was possible to defend myself... and still maintain my principles." "If Plato had been a boxer..." "I suspect he'd have fought likeyou." "That was when I made up my mind to- to keep one foot in the ideal plane... and the other foot in the real world." "I thoughtyou might like to know that." "And I just wanted to thankyou." "[Man On P.A.]Attention, allpersonnel." "Choppers are on the way... which means it's time foryoursewing circle." "Afraid you're gonna lose your private room, Champ." " Keep a nurse on him, okay?" " Right." "JoAnn." " Right, Major." " I'll be along in a minute." " I know." "What I don't understand, Pierce..." "And in the movie version, the part ofCharles Emerson Winchester... will be played by Francis, the Talking Mule." " Oh-oh." "More retraction." "Fast." " got it." " What's going on?" " His heart's fibrillating." " It's wriggling like a bucket ofworms." " Ty hand pumping." "I'm already in there." "[ Charles ] getting a beat?" "No." " Come on, kid!" " Hunnicutt, we got more waiting." "Ifyou don't get a regular beat soon, then you better let him go." "Klinger!" "go to the Swamp." "Uh, there's a magazine, a journal, under my sweatshirt." " Bring it in here." " [ Pierce ] Wait a minute." "Wa-Wait." "Hold it." "You mean that article on electroshock?" "You want to ty that?" " It'll stop fibrillation." " Itwill?" "Why haven't I heard about it?" " [ Charles ] Or I?" " Because it's just experimental." " It's only been tried on dogs." " Hold it right there!" "Command takes a vey dim view of our using these boys as lab rats." "I figure he's got a lot more to lose than we do." "I let go ofthis kid's heart, he's got a life expectancy of about a minute." "Maybe we better give it a ty." "What do you think, Colonel?" " Do it." " Klinger, go!" "And hury up." "We've got to build a defibrillator." " How is he, Father?" " How is he, Father?" " He's, uh" " He's gone." " [ Reporter] Is he all right?" " Wh-When did he die?" " Did they cause his death, Father?" " [ Overlapping Questions ]" " Will you excuse me, please?" " [ Questioning Continues ]" " Wereyou with him when he died?" "[ Klinger] Captain, isn't this thing going to electrocute him?" "[ B.J. ] That's the idea." "Just enough to save his life I hope." "Okay, take that big electrode plate and put it underneath him." " How far does this go?" " Right under his left shoulder blade." " Okay." " Okay?" "All right, now plug it in." "This table's metal, so we'll have to stand away from it." " All plugged in." " Okay. give me the other electrode." "Now when I say to give me the juice... turn it off and on, real fast." "Goodluck, pal." "To me too." " Ready?" " Uh-huh." "Now." " Again." " [ Patient grunts ]" "It stopped fibrillating." "[ Charles ] But is it beating?" "One beat" " Come on, I know you got another one in you." "Two beats" " Let's go, you almost had a run there." " Steady beat, and it's not fibrillating!" " [ Hawkeye ] Hey, you did it!" " Congratulations, sir." " Attaboy, Hunnicutt!" " good one!" " All right, let's close." "Well, well, well." "Not a bad day's inventing, Dr. Edison." "Oh, it's nothing any creative genius couldn't have done." "Now ifl can just get my own heart started again." "Dr. Hunnicutt, one thing's bothering me." "Does Peg like crowds?" " What?" "Why?" " We got a lot of reporters in the Mess Tent." "When I tell them aboutyour invention, you're gonna be the man in the news." "Soyou actually sort ofhad to kill the guy to save his life?" " Sorta, yeah." " Interesting." ""Interesting"?" "Wait." "Excuse me." "This guy has just invented a whole new system for saving lives." "Listen, I think that's terrific." "Uh, you really should be proud ofyourself." "But, ifl call that in to my editor, he's gonna say..." ""Okay, fine, but what else haveyou got?"" " What areyou, out ofyour mind?" "I'm talking" " Hawk-Hawk, forget it." " Peg doesn't like crowds anyway." " Sory." "Oh, one more thing." "That, uh, town thatyou're from, uh, Crabapple Cave?" " Cove." " Uh, right." "good thing I ran intoyou." "Well, so long." "Klinger, I've signed the morning- great logs of Limburger!" " Is this a desk or a deli counter?" " Both, sir." "Look at all the great things I got thanks to general Wilberforce." "I just rubbed his memo, and they all appeared." "Don'tyou think you've gone overboard a little?" "Well, maybe I overreacted a little." "But I knew the memo would expire right after the champ did." "You just made one little mistake, son." " This food'll be spoiled beforeyou can eat it all." " [DoorOpening]" "Excuse me." "Areyou folks expecting a delivey from general Wilberforce?"