"Ben?" "Ben, have you seen my keys?" "Keys, keys, keys, ke..." "Oh, for God's sake!" "Ben and Karen!" "No bin bag!" "Brilliant!" "(Children arguing)" "Ben and Karen, are you getting ready?" "We've missed the walking bus...again." "Gonna have to take the car." "Shoes, teeth and hair!" "Why can't people just leave..." "What are you doing with Daddy's computer?" "I'm taking it to show and tell." "No, you're not, show and tell's on Friday and today's Tuesday." "But they changed it." "No, they haven't..." "Have they?" " Yes." " When did they change it?" " Last Wednesday." " Who changed it?" "Problems on the District line." " Let go, we're gonna put it back." " I really wanna take it." " You can't take it." " People take pets!" "Come outside and put..." "Ben, look, you'll break it." " Can I take this for history week?" " No, you can't take it." " (Radio crackling)" " Turn it off." "Turn it off!" "Ben, you're just doing my head in now." "Go and get your shoes on." "Nothing between here and Tower Hill." "What is it this time - wrong sort of trains?" "Staff shortages?" "How can that be?" "Every kid wants to be a train driver." "Oh, hi, Viv, it's Sue." "Yeah, I was just wondering whether you knew if they've changed show and tell to Tuesday." "No, it's OK." "Don't panic, it's probably just Ben making things up again." "Could you check with Josh?" "Great, thank you." "Mum, it's ten past eight and I don't want to be late for my first day of big school." "Don't worry, matey, you'll be fine." "Ben and Karen, are you getting ready?" "Yeah?" "They haven't changed show and tell." "Thanks, OK, I'll see you later." " Bye." " Why does he lie like that?" "I dunno." "Some kids fib as an attention-seeking strategy." "He told his teacher I'd died in Iraq." "Yeah, but in a volcano, she was never gonna believe it." "But that is hardly the point, is it?" "What are you doing?" "Please don't do that, don't check your email." " This is from Veronica." " Especially not one from Veronica." "If you hadn't checked, you wouldn't know it was there." " I need to read this." " There's no time." "Three days a week you're meant to be working for that woman." "Oh, no, no, Veronica, I am not having that!" "Oh, don't reply, because that is fatal!" "If you reply, she'll reply to your reply and you'll be tempted to reply to her reply and you'll find yourself trapped in that..." "Pandora's circle." "Daddy." " Oh, hello." " Where's my other shoe?" "I don't know." "Where did you put it - can you remember?" "No." "What's a hypocrite?" "Well, er... if, for example, I'd said you mustn't eat all the cake, and then I ate all the cake myself, then I'd be a hypocrite." "What's a twat?" "Twat." "It's not a very nice word for children to use." "Where did you hear that - have you been watching Trisha?" "No, last night when you were arguing with Mum." "Well, Mummies and Daddies do argue sometimes, don't they?" "You shout sometimes, don't you?" "Did you..." "Did you hear any other words?" "There were some other words that I heard but I just can't remember them." " Good." " Something about midlife." "Something about...pillock, and...there's pillock and... another word." "I think it's ponk." "And there was one and it was tight-bum." "Right, well, probably best not to use those too often." "Why don't you go off and find your shoe?" "What was all that about?" "Look, I'm really..." "I'm really sorry about last night." "It's just..." "No, it was me." " No." " It was me." "No, because I hadn't thought it through properly." " That's true, but it was me." " No, it was me." "It was me." "It's usually me." " It was mostly me." " Well, yeah..." " Tight-bum." " Ponk." "(Whirring)" "Ben, put that down!" "It's for show and tell." "r It's not for..." "It is not for show and tell because A, you could hurt someone with that," "B, it's Daddy's, and C, show and tell is still on Fridays." "A, B, C, D... I, G, H, M..." " I've warned you about lying, haven't I, Ben?" " Ignore." " No one likes little boys who lie." " Ignore." " You know what happened to Pinocchio?" " He's a cartoon, he's not real!" " Q, R, T..." " You've got to stop lying." "You have to stop lying, Ben, because nobody likes little boys who lie, do they?" "Some people do." "Ross likes me, Nathan likes me, Deion likes me." "Well, we all like you, Ben, but the point of the story of Pinocchio was..." "The person who looks after me isn't called Gepetto, and I don't live in a little hut in the forest." "No, but..." "You could if you carry on like..." "Look, we're going off at a tangent here." "Why don't you just go and get your school book, go on." "Can I take your staple gun?" "You are to go nowhere near my staple gun!" " (Phone)" " Mum, come on!" " Hello?" " Sue?" " Oh, hi, Dad, everything OK?" " I forgot to put the bins out." "No, you don't have to put the bins out today." "Bin day's Friday." "No, today's Tuesday, Dad." "No, no." "No, no, no, listen, don't worry, because I get the days of the week mixed up." "Look, don't get anxious, it's fine." "Dad, I found a letter for you." "Oh, thanks." "Right." "Aren't you gonna look at it?" "No, it's boring stuff." "I'll look at it later." "A postcard from Auntie Angela." " Mm-hm." " We're gonna be late, aren't we?" "No, we'll be fine." "Yeah, right!" "Can I get a note saying Jake was late cos his family's useless?" " Ben?" " (laughs)" "Come on, Ben, what are you doing?" "We've gotta get going." "I made these pictures for you at school." "Oh, lovely." "That's a lovely picture of..." "What is it of?" "A cow." "Killing some people cos it doesn't want to be made into food." "He's ripping their heads off and their arms and shooting them and..." "That one is of people getting hurt because... and the cow's killing them cos the cow doesn't want to be made into food, because I don't like burgers." "They're made out of cows and pigs and stuff like that, so that's why I drawed the pictures." "That makes sense." "I'm gonna keep hold of that one - a special one." "There's these." "Aren't they lovely." "D'you know what I'm gonna do..." "Ben, I told you to stay away from my staple gun, didn't I?" "Come on, darling, go and get your shoes." "I'm gonna really look at them all and have a good think about them, especially this one, and you're gonna go and find your shoe." "Off you go." "We need to get to school." "Off you go." "That's lovely." "That's weird!" "That kid is taking it right to the edge." "Ty not to have a go at him, he'll have a screamy fit and we don't have the time." "I wasn't planning..." "My ruler's not transparent and I need a transparent ruler." "Ben, I can't hear any movement." "Mum, the list says I need to have a transparent ruler." "Don't worry, I know exactly where to find one." "(Jake) For God's sakes!" "Pete, Pete...just...just easy, easy." " Easy what?" " It's his first day at seconday school, we don't want to make him any more nervous, so, just easy does it." "Don't do the over-cheerful thing, or the bouny walk or call him Jakester or squire or materoony, just easy does it." "Just try and be a bit more natural, a bit less self-conscious." "Have you seen my keys?" " No." " I left them here this morning." "I'm sorry, I can't help you." "I'm concentrating on not being self-conscious." "Ben, have you been hiding my keys again?" "Karen, have you seen my keys?" "No." "Jake?" "One, transparent...ruler." "There you go, squi..." " You got everything?" " I think so." "Mum, we need to get going." "Well, it would be a lot easier to get going if somebody hadn't moved the car keys, but, as somebody's very helpfully moved them." " (Keys rattle)" " OK, found them, let's go." " Where were they?" " Doesn't matter." "Ben!" "Sorry about all the chaos, Jake." " Are you excited?" " Excited?" "Well, first day at big school." "You're with the big boys now." "I'm not." "They'll all be bigger than me." " Of course they won't." " There's not gonna be many smaller than me." "Tim Green's staking, he's smaller than you." "But he's got dwarfism." "I know." "He's still smaller than you." "Why doesn't Jake go to the school that you teach?" "Why doesn't Jake go to the school that I teach in?" " It's so I don't get hurt." " Well, there is that, I suppose." "Some of the kids at Daddy's school tend to be a bit...silly, silly with weapons, especially if you're related to a teacher." "But, anyway, that is big school." "No one's gonna be silly with weapons at your school." "ls a fork a weapon?" "A fork." "How would you use a fork as a weapon?" "Mm, you could stab like that." "Come on, come on, get your wings off, time to get ready." "Oh, no, you're not doing it again?" "!" "Veronica's pushing her luck this time, because she knows Martin deal with compliance." "She knows that." "It will take ten seconds." "It will not take ten seconds!" "(Jake) OK, I'm gonna wait outside by the car now." "Pyow!" "Pyow!" "That's just a piece of the vacuum cleaner." "No, it isn't, it's my gun." "My gun can kill anything, especially fairies." " Put it back!" " It can destroy a planet." "Yes, but look, all it is is a tube." "Just a tube going round and round." "That's where you put the bullet in." "This gun is more powemul than anything." "That could definitely kill a fairy." "No, it can't, cos fairies are magical and they'd kill you before you kill them." "How?" "Do they have a gun?" "Do they have anything that can kill me?" "Yes, they fly down your throat and turn your heart into a pumpkin, and then your blood stops running and then you die." "That's not possible." "Yes, and also they go inside with their mini big axes then they chop your bones in half until you can't move and just collapse." "You're just being silly now." "I'm not!" "Look, we really don't have time for this, I'm sorry." "Come on, guys!" "We're definitely gonna be late." "And you see, it isn't fair on your son." "It's done." "Out the door time, everybody." "Come on, wagons roll." "Wrong shoes." "Wrong shoes on wrong feet." "(Jake) Come on, guys, we're going to be late!" "Oh, no, you're not itching your head again." "It's not nits again, is it?" "Let's have a look." "(Quietly) Oh, God!" "No, you're fine, off you go." "Come on, guys!" "(Karen) Are you sure I haven't got nits?" "Rah!" "Oh, give me the drill." " No." " Give me..." "Give me the drill." "Give me my drill!" "Drop it." "Give me the drill." "Don't scream." "Don't scream." "Can you just sit down properly." "Put your bottom in the seat and sit down." "(Jake) It's now 8:13." "All right, look, you can take the drill in the car, as long as you promise to leave it there when we get to school, OK?" "Um..." "No." " Gimme the drill." " No." "Come on, give me the..." "I need the drill." "Give me the drill!" "Right, drop it and come now, or we'll just leave you here on your own." "Right, you can stay here on your own..." "all day, with nothing to do." "let's see how you like that." "I'll have lots to do." "Bye, Ben." "Bye." "(Sighs)" "(Sighs)" "Where's..." "Oh, no, you haven't tried the we're leaving you behind ploy - we're on a deadline!" "Don't worry, he'll be here in a sec, trust me." "OK." "(Ringtone)" "Hello." "Oh, hi, lou." "Bring your granny to school day?" "No, I don't think so." "Oh, Ben told Brittney, did he?" "Look, Ben, this is Jake's first day at big school." "So, it's a big day for him, so we don't want any shouting or screaming, so give me the drill." "Give me the drill." "Give me the drill." "Give me the drill." "I'll give you a fiver if you give me the drill." "Yes, yes, yes!" "No, that's the school caretaker, sweetheart." "George Bush is the president of the United States." "ln you go." "How did you do that?" "You know." "Help him with the seat belt, will you, Jake." "You're gonna like this school, Jake." "D'you know, it is a really good school." "For every seven kids that try to get in, only one is accepted." "Not that that means you're under any pressure." "No, you've just got to relax and be yourself." "The most important this is that you enjoy." "And if anybody asks you where you live, you give them Grandad's address." "(Sirens)" "I'm really sorry, Veronica, it's my fault." "I should never have shown Ben how to reply to an email." "He keeps..." "Yeah, yeah, he does know words like that." "And that." "No, I don't think he has ever met you, so I don't know why he mentioned your..." " Yo, dude." " Don't do that." " (Sue) ..been a lucky guess." " How was your first day at school?" " All right." " (Sue) Bye." "Who's your form teacher?" "All right." "Good, glad we sorted all that out." "Hiya, everything OK?" "Yep, Jake has been talking my ears off about his first day at school." " Yak, yak, yak, yak, yak." " Right." "I popped in on your dad on the way home." "Oh, did you?" "Thanks." "Had he remembered to eat?" "Yeah, and I've put a sign, a big sign on his fridge saying "Don't forget to eat"." "That's a good idea." "Although maybe I should've stuck it on the TV." "He only goes to the fridge when he's remembered to eat anyway." "Or in the toilet." "He has to go to the toilet." "No, he's OK." "He's doing fine." "Good." "Trousers on the right way round?" "Trousers on the right way round." "(Karen) Mum?" "So, Ben sent an email pretending to be you?" "Well, it... (Karen) Mum!" "She's got nits." " I'm halfway through." " Oh, bloody hell!" "It's these parents, they know their kids have got them and they just merrily pack them off to school." "I know, I know." "This the remains of the spag bol, Jake?" "Oh, never mind." "Ah, the old what I did in the holidays composition, eh?" "I don't think our English department do that." "I don't think Year 7 can spell car-jacking." "Actually, d'you think your teachers really wanna know about our wing mirror... ..well, eventual lack of wing mirror incident?" "Why not?" "I mean, that's what we did in the holidays, isn't it?" "Yeah, but it's not exactly..."road rage," is it?" "Well, there was a road and there was rage, wasn't there?" "Yeah, but I don't think I want people to know about that, Jake." "You wouldn't want me to put stories about you up on YouTube, would you?" "You wouldn't know how to do that." "Do you think I could keep a nit for a pet, because it's not very big?" "No, you can't have a nit for a pet." "Just one." "It wouldn't be much good for a pet, would they?" "You can't really play with a nit, can you?" "You could play..." "like l-spy." " l-spy?" " Yeah." "But they can't talk, can they?" "They can, in nit language." "ln nit language, and what do they say?" "They say small things." "Small things?" "Ooh, disgusting creatures!" "You can't have one as a pet." "Right, well, first off, road rage is two words, it's not one." "You don't spell psychopathic like that, and I can't remember your mother saying that." "That, yep." "And that, but not that." " And actually, while we're about it..." " (Phone)" "Why isn't the phone in the cradle?" "Why doesn't anybody put the phone in the cradle?" "It's easy enough, isn't it?" "It's where it lives." "Aargh!" "Ah!" "Hello." "Yep, that's me." "Er, no, london Electricity provide my gas." "Or is it london Gas who provide my electricity?" "D'you know, I'm sorry, I can't really remember." "Oh, and he's picked up the phone to a cold caller." "Classic schoolboy error." " Shh!" " Classic mistake, Dad." "I would like to pay less for my energy." "Don't get involved, Dad, it's just stupid." "They call at six o'clock at night..." " Get on, I know what I'm doing." " No, you don't." "Shh, get on with that." "Sorry, could you say that again, I missed a bit about units." "What can I get as a pet then?" "Oh, we can't really have pets at the moment, darling." "Why can't we get like a giraffe?" "A giraffe?" "We could keep it outside." "Well, no, because giraffes are a bit big, aren't they, darling?" "What about then a..." "lion?" "A lion?" "Yeah." "Well...they might be a bit on the dangerous side, my lovely." "What about a, erm...puffin?" "A puffin?" "Well, you're well lucky, you don't have to wear a uniform." "It's weird." "(Whistles)" "I'm sorry, I gotta go, my dad's making stupid faces at me." " Get on with your homework." " I am." "No, your not, you're listening to your Ipod, you're MSNing, and you're watching television." "Well, I can do stuff cos I'm a kid, I can muIt'itask." "No, you can't, actually, because I read an article in the New Scientist, that said even though they do it all the time, teenagers' brains are not suited to multitasking." "Whereas, men in their mid forties, like me, actually are surprisingly..." "Surprisingly, what?" "Sorry, there was something...on the TV." "I tell you what, you do your homework, I'll do mine, how's that?" "Why can't I keep like a nit in my hair?" "Then it will lay babies and then it'll be like a little town in my hair." "You can't...have a..." "Town in your hair." "No, you can't have a nit town in your hair." "Oh, that is unbelievable." "Un...believable!" "Melanie Watts has confused Queen Elizabeth I and Queen Elizabeth II." "She must've typed the wrong queen number into Google." "Your first day at school OK then?" "Yeah." "The Virgin Queen has got four children now." "Ooh, one of them's a helicopter pilot." " Dad, Dad..." " Mm?" "Would bullets kill a fairy?" "Yeah, you could kill a fairy with bullets." "Would a machine gun kill a fairy?" "Yeah, you kill pretty well everything with a machine gun." "Would...a bazooka kill a fairy?" "Yeah, big bazooka, that'll get 'em." "(Clatter)" " What are you..." " Sorry!" "Ben, just pick it up and put it on the shelf." "You're lucky your mum didn't see that." "(Ben) What about an atom bomb?" "(Pete) An atom bomb would kill everything pretty well - fairies, elves..." " Can I watch little Britain?" " No." " Prison Break?" " No." "The Sopranos?" "Where's the dinosaur book?" "It's here but you can't have it." " Why?" " Because it's one of my days." "I wrote it all down at the back." "When are my days?" "They're your days, and today's not any of your days." "The wíldebeest seem líttle concerned." " What's this?" " Attenborough." "The wildebeest is such an idiot." "He's just seen his mate being torn to pieces by a crocodile, and he's drinking from exactly the same place." "It's amazing what some animals will do to get on the telly." " So, today went well then?" " Yeah, fine." "How did Tim Green get on?" "Anybody mention the dwarfism thing?" "Not really, but some boy started singing "hi-ho, hi-ho, it's off to work we go"." "That's not very nice." "I know, but it's a school, Dad, that's what happens." " What else is on?" " Nothing." "Come on, we've got 47 channels, there must be something half decent." "(Man3 Day 65," "(Crowd cheeríng)" "(Woman) More celebríty gossíp..." "This is one of my days, so you can't have it." "I've got it." "Give it back." "Give it back!" "(Woman) ..wín a dream home... (Man) I'm your host... (Woman) ..the death of Princess Diana." "No, you're right." "Let's stick with Attenborough." "..seven metres ín a síngle bound." "My money is on the cheetah." "Oh, no, Dad, you know the impala's going to escape." "The cheetah's the fastest land mammal." " It's not getting away." " It can move quicker." "The impala would have to be on a motorbike." "Come on." " No, the impala's more agile." " (Phone)" "Come on, my spotty friend." "He's gonna escape." "Come on, you impala." "All the way, all the way, round the tree." " Hello?" " Dad, he escaped!" "Yes, hello." "Yes, I did get it." "Yeah, I know it needs sorting out, but I'm seeing you tomorrow, so..." "No, look, this really isn't a very good time to call, so..." "Yes, yes, I will see you tomorrow." " Who was that?" " Cold caller." "An email from Angela." "The impala won, Dad." " (Thud overhead)" " Give it now!" "Oh, bloody hellfire!" "(Ben) Go back to my room." "(Karen) Give it back!" " I told you the impala would win." " You said the cheetah." " No, I said the impala." " What is going on?" "What's happening?" "Karen, what's happening?" "He's got my dinosaur book!" " But that's your sharing dinosaur book." " Look, Karen!" "Upstairs, upstairs." " He said..." " Ignore him, he's just being silly." " I wanted my dinosaur..." " Ignore him, Karen." " That's my one." " Let's go." "OK, Benny, don't get too comfortable, it's bed time." "How do you know we're not a character from somebody's dream or from a story book?" "How do we know we're not a character from somebody's dream?" "I can't imagine anyone having a dream this dull, can you?" "I remember the time when I had a dream that Karen was walking to the kitchen and then I woke up." "That's almost more dull than this, isn't it, in fact?" " Yes." " Yeah." "What was going on with you and Karen?" "What was all that about?" "She started it - she hit me with a baseball bat." "Ben, d'you know, we..." "We have got to have a chat about you making things up." "You're always making things up." "like what?" "like you telling your friend Sammy that I was a trained assassin." "And now, you've been sending emails pretending to be Mummy." "No, I haven't." "You've been sending emails to Mummy's friend Veronica." " I haven't!" " Yes, you have." "Don't lie." "Listen, this is the last time I'm going to say this - you have got to stop making things up." " Pete?" " I have not." "Don't make me cross." "You've been sending emails to Mummy's friend, Veronica." " I haven't." " Yes, you have." "Pete!" "..and Veronica is particularly cross because she didn't want..." "Peter!" "Ben, I just need to borrow Daddy for a minute." "(Ben) Stupid." "It wasn't him." "Then it was Jake?" "No, it was me who sent the email, because Veronica sent me an email that was just full of the most unreasonable demands, so I fired something pretty explosive back, and then she rang me up in a total funk," "and I was worried that she might sack me." "How can we stop him behaving like some sort of junior Jeffrey Archer, if you cannot even set an example?" "Well, he doesn't need to know." "I'm sorry, I just lost it." " Like you did in the road rage." " Oh, here we go." "You are so pompous!" "If you...could just make a bit more of an effort, if you could exercise just a modicum of self-control, then you wouldn't end up having to lie your way out of trouble." "When am I going to have that five-pound note you promised me for getting out of the house this morning?" "Now, what have I just told you about not lying?" "He's getting worse."