"Good evening." "I'm Yakko Warner, and I welcome you to Disasterpiece Theater." "[WHIRRING]" "[ROARING]" "Well, that's all for today." "And now, an even bigger disaster, a show called Animaniacs." "* It's time for Animaniacs *" "* And we're zany to the max *" "* So just sit back and relax *" "* You'll laugh till you collapse *" "* We're Animaniacs *" "* Come join the Warner brothers *" "* And the Warner sister Dot *" "* Just for fun we run around the Warner movie lot *" "* They lock us in the tower *" "* Whenever we get caught" "* But we break loose and then vamoose *" "* And now you know the plot *" "* We're Animaniacs *" "* Dot is cute, and Yakko yaks *" "* Wakko packs away the snacks *" "* While Bill Clinton plays the sax *" "* We're Animaniacs *" "* Meet Pinky and the Brain * who want to rule the universe *" "* Good feathers flock together *" "* Slappy whacks 'em with her purse *" "* Buttons chases Mindy" "* While Rita sings a verse" "* The writers flipped, we have no script *" "* Why bother to rehearse?" "* We're Animaniacs *" "* We have play or pay contracts *" "* We're zany to the max *" "* There's bologna in our slacks *" "* We're animanie *" "* Totally insaney" "*Oh, urbaney *" "* Animaniacs!" "* Those are the facts" "CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS." "[YAWNS]" "WOMAN:" "Aah!" "My diamond!" "My diamond!" "Which one?" "The magnif-ick-icant Acme diamond that I was wearing." "I've been rob-bed." "[SOBBING]" "Don't worry, my little dewdrop." "We'll find your diamond." "For the thief must be on this very ship!" "Ohh!" "Not in first class, I hope!" "[KNOCKING]" "They have come back for matching earrings!" "Please, it is I, your porter." "I heard a scream, like this" "Aah!" "It was my wife." "A thief has stolen a diamond from my fragile Marita." "I have been rob-bed." "You're in luck mademoiselle madame, for onboard this very ship is the greatest detective of all time." "You mean..." "Uh, just one more question" "No, actually, I mean the great" "Hercule Yakko." "May I introduce my assistants?" "Dr. Wakko and Number One Sister." "* We'll investigate, collaborate *" "* Red herrings we'll eliminate *" "* We'll solve this mystery for you *" "* Although we haven't got a clue *" "Are you an inspector of the yard?" "Not if you have a dog." "[SOBBING] Oh!" "Can you help us, Monsieur Yakko?" "Can you?" "!" "Can you?" "!" "Dr. Wakko, give this woman something to calm her down." "Aah!" "Oof." "You can rest assured that I am this close to solving the crime." "But, monsieur, you don't know what the crime is." "Details, details." "Number One Sister, dust for prints." "Dr. Wakko, it could be a long night." "Better order some pizzas." "I'd like 42 pizzas, 6 with no crust." "Now, do you have any enemies?" "BOTH:" "No." "Do you have any creditors?" "BOTH:" "No." "Well then..." "Do you have any requests?" "Thank you so much." "* Way down, Jack" "* Upon the Nile River, Jack *" "I found Prince." "No, no, no." "Fingerprints." "I don't think so." "[SPLASH]" "Now, tell me exactly what happened." "My diamond was stolen!" "And I heard a scream, like this" "Aah!" "I see." "Did you get all that?" "Her diamond was stolen, and then there was a scream like this" "Aah!" "No, it was more like this" "Aah!" "I see." "Like this" "Aah!" "Yes." "That's when I realized that I had been rob-bed." "And which one are you, Rob or Ed?" "[KNOCK]" "[GASPS] [GASPS]" "Quick!" "Everyone give me your wallets, your money, your valuables." "Do you think it's the thief?" "No, I think it's the pizza." "[SQUAWKS]" "He was odd." "He was strange." "He was a chicken, I tell you." "A giant chicken!" "We must search for the thief." "Bring out the hounds." "[BARKING]" "[BARKING]" "[BARKING]" "Follow this scent." "[SNIFFS]" "[DOGS BARKING]" "Mush!" "Mush!" "[SNIFFS]" "That was pointless." "It is time to question the other passengers." "I'd like you all to wait for me in the stateroom" "Dr. Wakko, I want you to search the room and put all the clues in this bag." "What?" "I am Hercule Yakko, a sleuth." "Yeah?" "Well, I'm Slappy Squirrel, asleep." "There's been a robbery onboard." "Have you seen anything strange?" "I saw Wally Gators slam dance with a smurf." "That strange enough for you?" "Did you hear a scream?" "Like this?" "Aah!" "Yes." "No." "WOMAN:" "Who is it?" "Good evening." "I'm...in love." "I'll handle this." "There's been a--Gah!" "BOTH:" "Hello, nurse." "Boys." "No control." "Anyway, have you seen this diamond?" "Ooga!" "Ooga!" "It's hard being the strong one." "Hi, babe." "Hello, nurse!" "Yes?" "Did you steal a big diamond?" "No." "We are Swiss hikers on holiday." "Look at me, Brain, I'm Heidi." "Yodel-lay-ee-narf!" "Monsieur Yakko." "Any luck?" "There's only one person onboard this ship who could've taken that diamond." "Unfortunately, I have no idea who that is." "[SOBBING]" "I know the location of the diamond." "Assemble all the passengers in the stateroom." "Oof." "Heh Heh." "I see, it's that night at the opera bit." "Funny bit." "Heh Heh Heh." "Uh." "You're probably all wondering why I called you here." "ALL:" "To reveal the thief?" "No, it's because you can't play charades with 3 people." "That's it." "I'm going back to bed." "So am I." "I didn't take the diamond." "I also am innocent." "Oh, I may have done it." "I walk in my sleep, you know." "In fact, none of you stole the diamond." "That is outrageous!" "You fraud!" "You sham!" "Calling us liars!" "[SOBBING]" "You said you'd get to the bottom of this." "My friends, the diamond is here, and we're gonna turn this room upside down to prove it." "Siblings." "Aha!" "I found it!" "Madame, you were sitting on the diamond the whole time!" "I told you I'd get to the bottom of this." "* Like Abbott and Costello" "* Like Sonny and Cher" "* Like Martin and Lewis" "* They're a perfect pair *" "* Like Laurel and Hardy" "* Like Fontanne and Lunt" "* They're perfectly mismatched *" "* They're Rita and Runt *" "[NECK CRUNCHING]" "Welcome to Palm Springs." "Are you sure?" "Course it's Palm Springs." "And if my calculations are correct," "Sonny Bono's house is right over that sand dune." "How come we're visiting Sonny Bono, Rita?" "Huh?" "How come?" "How come?" "Because he's rich, and he likes strays." "Yep, that's you and me." "Definitely a couple of old stray dogs." "If you don't tell him, I won't." "Whoa!" "RITA:" "I guess those royalties from I Got You, Babe paid off." "Charge!" "Charge!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Sonny, is this really necessary?" "[GROWLING]" "[ALL GASP]" "ALL:" "We're not worthy." "We're not worthy." "Not bad behavior for humans." "What about this kitty, my queen?" "No!" "None of these cats are good enough to accompany us to the harvest festival, feast, and luau." "Mark Antony, do something." "I should spank you all." "[SIGHS]" "How about this one, my darling Cleopatra?" "What a cluck you are!" "That's the worst cat of all!" "[CAT HISSES]" "Ohh." "My flower of the desert, my reason for continuing to breathe, there is not a single pussycat in all of Egypt that you liked." "What can I do?" "Sing me a wittle songy, hmm?" "Sing!" "* Who's afraid of Cleopatra, Cleopatra, Cleopatra?" "*" "* Who's afraid of Cleopatra?" "*" "* Tra la la la la la" "Everybody!" "Ha ha ha!" "Your royal highness, this cat was found outside the palace wall." "Oh!" "It is surely a gift from the gods." "[PURRING]" "[BARKING]" "Mark Antony, take this filthy dog away." "He's bothering my wonderful goddess." "Come on, boy." "You want to work in the hot blistering sun and help build a huge, stone temple to Cleopatra and her new kitty?" "[BARKING]" "Smelt." "My fav." "Uhh." "Ohh!" "Uhh!" "Gee, I hope Rita's having this much fun." "[PURRING]" "Being a goddess ain't half bad." "* Oh, you kid" "* You got it made 'neath the great pyramid *" "* Gotta say I like this lifestyle *" "* Talkin' 'bout my home on the muddy Nile *" "* Call me greedy" "* But give me more, treat me like Queen Nefertiti *" "* Build me a palace fit for Ramses II *" "* I bet you'd rather be me than you *" "* Oh, I can't fuss *" "* No longer on a lonely exodus *" "* Gotta tell ya that I'm satisfied *" "* All wrapped up in love like I was mummified *" "* All wrapped up in love" "* Bra doot da doot da doot doo dah *" "* Like I was mummified" "Did you sing a song?" "I like it when you sing songs." "Why me?" "Living with Sonny Bono sure is good, Rita." "You're smart, definitely smart." "Uh-huh." "So today I had a bunch of these boulders strapped to my back." "It was good." "Really, really good." "Hey!" "What do you say we relax and go to sleep?" "[SNORES]" "[SNORES]" "What are you going to do?" "I love pretty pictures." "Yeah, I do, I--I do." "When you're a member of the royal family, you make public appearances." "It keeps the rabble in line." "Oh, gods of harvest, we offer you a sacrifice to the eternal flame!" "[CROWD CHEERING]" "Rita sure is a pretty dog." "[CROWD CHEERING]" "Uh-oh." "[BARKING]" "Whew." "I heard Palm Springs was hot, but, ugh, this is ridiculous." "[BARKS]" "Excuse me, Runt, what are you doing?" "[CROWD GRUMBLING]" "[GASPS]" "Saving your life." "Yeah." "Defi--definitely saving your life." "Uh-huh." "Runt, could we get the lead out?" "Ok, so Sonny Bono and his crowd turned out to be a little, well, crackers, but Vegas is around here someplace." "We'll make a fortune at the casinos!" "Hey, after today, I'm feeling mighty lucky." "Don't worry, she's a good little dog deep down inside." "NARRATOR:" "And now, the Warner Brothers in a scene from William Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream, translated for those viewers who, like Yakko, have no idea what he's saying." "Hmm!" "Heh heh heh." "If we shadows have offended, think but this and all is mended." "If the actors in our show made you mad, it'll be OK if you look at it this way..." "That you have but slumbered here while these visions did appear." "You feel asleep on your butt and dreamed the whole thing." "And this weak and idle theme, no more yielding but a dream." "There is a hole in the plot you could drive a truck through." "Gentles, do not reprehend." "Honeys, don't blame us, you could be watching Oprah." "If you pardon, we will mend." "But we're sorry, and we promise our next show will be full of funny skits." "Hello, Pixie." "And, as I am an honest Puck..." "I'm not touching that one." "If we have unearned luck, now to escape the serpent's tongue." "What he said." "We will make amends 'ere long." "We'll buy you foot long hot dogs!" "Else the Puck a liar call, so good night unto you all." "Mwah!" "Good night everybody!" "Give me your hands if we be friends." "Applaud if you like us." "And Robin shall restore amends." "And the Boy Wonder will save us." "Oh, what fools these Warners be!" "CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS." "Set 3 extra places." "ALL:" "We're coming over for dinner." "Except I'm allergic to anything with lactose in it."