"Item 7." "What is item 7?" "Well, if I may just recapitulate..." " Ahem." " Sorry, Minister." "You can't actually recapitulate an item if you haven't started it yet." "Thank you." "Where would we be without you?" "May I continue?" "Recapitulating on our last meeting and the minutes, which you doubtless received..." "Doubtless, yes, yes." "Er... what minutes, Humphrey?" "Disciplinary action against the South Derbyshire local authority." "Ah, yes..." "Will you remind me, Bernard?" "They failed to complete their statutory returns and supply us with statistical information." " What'll we do?" " The action we can take?" "A rebuke from the minister, press statement about their incompetence, the withholding of grants or ultimately, as you are fully aware..." "Yes, of course." "Good." "I'm fully aware of what?" " What?" " What am I fully aware of?" " Um..." "I can't think of anything." "I mean..." " You said, ultimately, as I am fully..." "Ultimately, taking the local authority to court." "Sorry." "Is it that serious?" " Serious?" "It's catastrophic!" " Why?" "If local authorities don't send us statistics, government figures will be a nonsense." " They'll be incomplete." " Government figures are a nonsense, anyway." "I think Sir Humphrey wants to ensure they're a complete nonsense." "I mean... er..." "Why should we make an example of South Derbyshire?" "Do you object because the council's controlled by your party?" "Oh, no, no, no." "No, no, no." "But couldn't we just..." "pick on an opposition council?" " Oh, Minister!" " Is South Derbyshire all that bad?" "Terrible!" "They won't return their blue forms!" "They haven't completed last year's employment trends questionnaire!" "They replied to our ethnic personnel breakdown request in longhand on the back of a departmental circular!" "We haven't had their social worker revised analysis for the last two quarters or their data-processing appropriation tables!" "They're unbelievable!" "Really evil!" "What, because they won't return their forms in triplicate?" "I don't see how life can go on in Derbyshire!" "Exactly, Minister." "They really are in a class of their own for incompetence." " Have they no redeeming features?" " It is fascinating..." "If that's all right, we can take coercive action." " The minister might like to know..." " You approve?" " Yes, it's a difficult one." "They're friends." " They are no friends of good administration." "Well, give me 24 hours." "I'll have to square the party organisation." "Get the chairman invited to one of those drinky-do's at Number 10." " Soften the blow." "Right, anything else?" " No, I think that seems to be all." "Richard, I need your advice, if you can spare a moment." "Bernard, I'm not happy about..." " (DOOR CLOSES) ...disciplining South Derbyshire." " Why not, Minister?" " Instinct." "Dr Cartwright seemed to be trying to tell me something." "I think I'll drop in on him." " I wouldn't do that." " Why not?" "If ministers want to know anything, it will be brought to their notice." "If they go out looking for information, they might..." " Find it?" " Yes." "Sir Humphrey does not take kindly to ministers dropping in on people." " Going walkabout, he calls it." " The Queen does it." "She doesn't drop in on Under-Secretaries, not in Sir Humphrey's department." " What's his room number?" " I must advise you against this." " Advice noted." " Room 4017." "Down one flight, second corridor on the left." "If I'm not back in 48 hours, send out a search party!" "Hello, Graham, it's Bernard." "Tell Sir Humphrey that the Minister's just gone walkabout." "Yes, yes, AWOL." "Well, of course I told him, yes." "I know." "I think you'd better let him know right away." "One... two... three... four... five six... seven... eight... nine..." "TEN." "What's all this about?" "The minister's just left the office, that's all." "That's all?" "Do you mean he's loose in the building?" " Why didn't you warn me?" " I did advise him, but he is the minister." "There's no prohibition against ministers talking to their staff." " Who's he talking to?" " Perhaps he was just restless." "If the minister's restless, he can feed the ducks in St James's Park!" " Yes, Sir Humphrey." " Tell me who the minister's talking to." "Well, surely the minister can talk to anyone." "Bernard..." "I'm in the middle of writing your annual report." "Now, it is not a responsibility that either of us would wish me to discharge whilst I am in a bad temper." "Who's the minister talking to?" "Perhaps you could help me." "I can see that you should know if he calls on an outsider." "I fail to see why you should be informed if he just wants to, to take a hypothetical example, to... check a point with..." "Dr Cartwright..." "Thank you, Bernard." "Must fly." " Room 4017." " I know." "Are those things about South Derbyshire true?" " They may be." " What are you saying?" "I'm saying that South Derbyshire is the most efficient local authority in the UK." " I'm meant to tick them off for being the least." " Look at the figures." " I thought they didn't send us any." " No." "But they keep their own records perfectly well." "I'm going on those." "They've got the lowest truancy record in the Midlands." "The lowest admin cost per council house." "The lowest ratio of council workers to rate income." "The lowest number of environmental health officers." " What are environmental health officers?" " Rat-catchers." "Virtually all children can read and write, even though they've had a progressive education." "They've got the smallest establishment of social workers in the UK." " Is that supposed to be a good thing?" " Oh, yes." "Sign of efficiency." "Parkinson's Law of Social Work, you see." "Social problems increase to occupy the number of social workers available to deal with them." " And all these figures are OK?" " Yes, I assure you." "Richard, I wonder if I..." "Good heavens, Minister." " Humphrey, what a coincidence." " Yes, indeed, what a surprise!" " Yes." " Yes." "I was just... passing." " Passing?" " Yes, passing." " Oh, passing." "And where were you going?" " I was just going... past." "Past the door." "Cartwright's..." "Richard's door." "And I thought..."Hello..."" "Did you think anything further?" "Yes, I thought, "Why should I pass the door?" "Why not open it?"" " Good thinking, that's what doors are for." " Right." " There were some points I wanted to clear up." " Oh, good, good." "What points?" " Just a couple of odd points." " Couple of odd points." " How odd?" " Oh... not all that odd." " We just had a meeting." " Could I have a word with you?" " Yes, of course, as soon as..." " No, I mean now." " All right, carry on." " No, upstairs in your office." " I'm sure Richard doesn't mind." " No, upstairs." "I'm sure that Dr Cartwright can spare you for a few moments." "Thank you, Richard." "Minister." "(LIFT PINGS)" "You may go, Bernard." " Minister, what was all that in aid of?" " I have learnt some interesting facts." " I hope it does not happen again." " I beg your pardon?" " You cannot speak to people in the department." " Why not?" "How can I advise you if I don't know what's said?" "I must know what is going on." "You cannot have private conversations!" " You may be told things that are not true!" " You can put me right." "But they may be true!" "Not entirely false, but misleading, open to misinterpretation." " You're trying to keep things from me." " Absolutely not, Minister." "Minutes must be taken, records must be kept." "You won't be here for ever, nor will we." "In years to come..." "If Cartwright were moved tomorrow, how could we check information?" " Cartwright won't be moved tomorrow." " Oh, really?" " Alex Andrews from the Mail to see you." " Ah, hang on." "I'd like you to minute this." "Everything must be minuted, you know." "Sit down, won't you, Humphrey?" " Now..." "South Derbyshire Council..." " Just a minute." "Yes, that's what I said." "South Derbyshire." "Dr Cartwright said it is the most efficient council in Britain." " Inefficient, I think he means." " Efficient, Humphrey." "Economical, effective." "Just not interested in sending bits of blue paper to Whitehall." " But they have to send them." " Why?" " It is a statutory requirement." " And if they don't, Britain carries on." " South Derbyshire carries on." " But if they don't send us the information, the plans and the requests for permission, well, what are we here for?" "Good question." "What ARE we here for?" "To collate information, inspects plans, and withhold or grant permission." " And if we didn't?" " I'm sorry, Minister, I don't understand." "If we weren't here and we didn't do it, what then?" " I'm sorry, you've lost me." " You're concerned more with means than ends." "There are no ends in administration, Minister, except loose ends." "Administration is eternal!" " For ever and ever." " (HUMPHREY AND BERNARD) Amen!" "Because there are no ends, they talk about government circles." "Exactly, Bernard, which is what we're going round in!" "I won't discipline South Derbyshire." "I'd look a complete idiot." "I'm sorry, Minister, but it's your job." "To discipline South Derbyshire." "You have no alternative." " The Treasury and the Cabinet Office insist." " I cannot agree to this." "Not today, anyhow." " Tomorrow, then." " No!" "I'm sorry, you don't seem to understand." "It is not up to you or to me." "It is the law." " Minister, I think you ought to talk to the Mail." " Very well." " Thank you, Humphrey." " Thank you, Minister." " Bernard." "Bernard." " Yes, Minister?" "How did Sir Humphrey know I was with Dr Cartwright?" "God moves in a mysterious way." "Let me make one thing perfectly clear." "Humphrey is not God, OK?" "Will you tell him or shall I?" "Now, tell me how he knew where I was." "Confidentially, everything you tell me is in complete confidence so equally, and I'm sure you appreciate this, and, by appreciate, I don't mean appreciate," "I mean understand, that everything Sir Humphrey tells me is also in confidence, as indeed everything I tell you and everything I tell Sir Humphrey is in complete confidence." "So?" "So, in confidence, I am confident you understand that for me to keep Sir Humphrey's confidence, conversations between him and me must be confidential, as confidential as conversations between you and me are completely confidential." " Mr Andrews, Minister." " Thank you, Bernard." " Ah, Alex." " Hello, Jim." " Sit down." " Thank you." " What can I do for you?" " I need your help." "I've come across a fascinating story." "Do you realise that your government is about to hand over £40 million-worth of housing, building, harbour installations and an airstrip to a private developer for nothing?" " £40 million?" "!" "You're having me on!" " No, Scout's honour." " Why tell me?" "I didn't do it, did I?" " No." "It goes back a long way." "30 years ago, the Ministry of Defence took out a lease on a Scottish island." "They put up billets, married quarters, HQ block, the harbour, the airstrip." "And now the lease has expired, it reverts to the original owner." "He's opening up a holiday camp." "Yachting marinas, chalets, staff quarters." "It's all there." "He'll make a fortune." " He can't do that." "The law..." " No, you're talking about English law." "This contract was made under Scottish law." "Some idiot didn't realise the difference." " We're in the clear." " Ah, yes." "Even the Mail can't blame you for a cock-up in the early '50s." "Makes a change." "What do you want from me?" "You've got your story." "30 years late." "As quick with the news as ever!" "Still, not bad for Fleet Street!" "We're running it tomorrow, but my editor wants me to do a feature, find out how it happened, go through the files." " Why?" " There could be lessons for today." "We might find out who is responsible." "Does it matter?" "It would've been handled by quite a junior official." "30 years ago." "Today he could be in an important position." "He could be a Permanent Secretary running a great department, responsible for spending billions of pounds of public money." " Pretty unlikely." " Yes." "But can I see the papers?" "Of course, I can't just hand files over." "Didn't you say it was a 30-year lease?" "You can get them from the Public Records Office under the 30-year rule." "Yes, I thought you'd say that, but I want a guarantee that I will get ALL of them." " Well, Defence papers..." " Come on, this is not top security." "You made a manifesto commitment saying you'd tell voters the facts." "This is a test case." "I want your guarantee that no papers will be removed from the file before it's opened." "I don't see why not." "No skin off my nose." "Is that a promise?" "A REAL promise, not the sort you put in your manifesto!" "You know, the problem with you, Alex, is you won't take yes for an answer!" "Otherwise we do the feature about ministers ratting on manifestos." "Is that the lot, Humphrey?" "Oh, I'm sorry." "That seems to be all, Minister, thank you." "Incidentally, Humphrey, did you see that story in the Mail this morning?" " About the Scottish island scandal." " I'm not sure." "About some cock-up somebody made 30 years ago about the terms of the lease." "I believe I did glance at it." "£40 million down the tube!" "Somebody really boobed there!" " It didn't happen in your department?" " Absolutely not." " I wonder who it was." " That is something we shall never know." "It'll be on the files." "Everything must be put in writing, as you're always telling me." "Well... somewhere, no doubt, but it would take ages to search." "Not worth anyone's time." "You may be wrong." "The Mail want to do a big feature." "As soon as the papers are released under the 30-year rule in a few weeks," "I promised them a free run of all the files." " Minister!" " It's all right, isn't it?" "All right?" "It most certainly is NOT all right!" " Why on earth not?" " It's impossible, it's unthinkable!" " Why?" " It's top security!" " A few barracks?" " Secret naval installations!" "Anti-submarine systems!" "Low-level radar towers!" " You don't know that." " That's the sort of thing those bases have." " But they'd have been dismantled." " The papers will have references!" " Ancient history." " We need to get clearances." "Who from?" "Security implications!" "Ml5!" "Ml6!" "Foreign powers!" "National interests!" "Consult our allies!" "Top brass!" "CIA, NATO, SEATO, Moscow!" " Moscow?" "Are you all right, Humphrey?" " Er, no, not Moscow." "I didn't mean Moscow." "But this information could seriously damage people still alive." "The people who drew up this contract ought to be damaged!" "Oh, absolutely!" "No question of protecting officials!" "Of course not!" "But... responsible ministers..." "It's 30 years ago." "In any case, weren't the other lot in office then?" " Well, yes..." " Why are you so concerned?" "Oh, I'm not, no, no." "Not me, personally, but it's the principle, the precedent, the policy..." "The policy is up to me, Humphrey, and I've said yes, so it's done." "OK?" "What's the matter with Humphrey?" "I haven't done anything wrong, have I?" "There aren't any security implications, are there?" "What's the problem?" " Am I talking to myself?" " No, I'm listening." " Why don't you answer?" " I thought your questions were purely rhetorical." " I see no reason for him to be so anxious." " Unless..." " Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" " I don't think so, Minister." "I'm not thinking anything, really." " I begin to smell a rat." " Shall I get an environmental health officer?" "How long has Sir Humphrey been here at Administrative Affairs?" " Since it was founded." " When was that?" "1964." "The same time they started the Department for Economic..." " Now I think I'm thinking what you're thinking." " And what are you thinking?" "You're thinking, where was he before 1964?" "It'll be in "Who's Who"." "He must've been in another department and trawled for the DAA." " What?" " Trawled." "You know, fished, caught in the net." " Ah, here we are." "Oh, my God!" " What?" "From 1950 to 1956, he was Assistant Principal at the Scottish Office." "On secondment from the War Office." "Ah." "Regional Contracts Officer." "30 years ago." "So the official who chucked away £40 million of taxpayers' money was..." "How frightful!" " It's awful, Minister." " Dreadful." "And all the papers due for release in a few weeks' time." " Get Humphrey to come back here at once." " Yes, Minister." "The Minister wonders if Sir Humphrey could spare time for a meeting sometime in the next few days." " At once." " In fact, sometime today is really..." " At once!" " Sometime during the next 60 seconds." " He's coming round now." " Why?" "Did he faint?" " No, he's just, you know..." " This is serious, Bernard." "Yes, I know." " This is no laughing matter." " No, certainly not." "The question is how am I going to deal with it?" " In my opinion..." " The question was rhetorical." " You wanted a word, Minister?" " Humphrey, come in, come in." "Sorry, Bernard." "(BERNARD CHUCKLES)" "I've been thinking about this Scottish island scandal." " Very worrying." " Well, I don't know..." "You probably don't realise this, but that official could still be in the Civil Service." " Very unlikely." " But why?" "He could've been in his mid-20s then, he'd be in his mid-50s now." "Might even be a Permanent Secretary!" " I hardly think..." " No, of course, you're right." "Nobody who made a blunder like that could become a Permanent Secretary." " Anyway, I want a full investigation." " We can't find out that sort of thing." "But surely we can." "I mean, you said yourself that minutes are always made, records kept in the Civil Service." "And legal documents concerning a current contract wouldn't have been thrown away." "Minister... aren't we making a little too much of this?" "Possibly blighting a brilliant career because of a... tiny slip 30 years ago?" " After all, it's not such a lot of money wasted." " £40 million?" "Well, not compared with Blue Streak," "TSR.2, Trident, Concorde, high-rise council flats," "British Rail," "British Leyland, British Steel," "Upper Clyde Shipbuilders, the atomic power station programme, comprehensive schools, the University of Essex." "I take your point, but it's still more, a hundred times more, than this official could ever have earned in his entire career." "So I want you to look into it and find out who it was." "OK?" " Yes, Humphrey?" " There is something you ought to know." "Yes, Humphrey?" "The identity of the official whose alleged responsibility for this hypothetical oversight, as being the subject of recent discussion, is not shrouded in quite such impenetrable obscurity as previous disclosures led you to assume." "But not to put too fine a point on it the individual in question is, it may surprise you to learn, one whom your present interlocutor is in the habit of defining by means of the perpendicular pronoun." "I beg your pardon?" "It was..." "I." "Humphrey!" " No?" " I was under pressure!" "We were overworked, there was panic!" "Parliamentary questions tabled." "Obviously I'm not a trained lawyer or I wouldn't have been in charge of the Legal Unit!" " 30 years ago!" "Everybody makes mistakes!" " Well, Humphrey..." "I forgive you." "Oh, thank you, Minister." "Why didn't you tell me about this before?" "We have no secrets from each other, have we?" " That is for you to say, Minister." " Well, not entirely." "Anyhow, what are we going to do?" "I'm going to be roasted if I don't release all those papers to the Mail." "I might be able to do something about it..." "if I hadn't got this other worry on my plate." "What other worry?" "Being roasted by the press for disciplining the most efficient council in Great Britain." "I've been thinking about South Derbyshire." " Oh, good." " Obviously we can't change the law." "Perhaps we might show them leniency - a private word with the Chief Executive." " Give them a chance to mend their ways." " That might help considerably." "How will I explain the missing documents to the Mail?" "Well, this is what we normally do in circumstances like these." ""This file contains the complete set of papers, except for a number of secret documents," ""a few others which are part of still-active files," ""some correspondence lost in the floods of 1967..."" "Was 1967 a particularly bad winter?" "No, a marvellous winter." "We lost no end of embarrassing files." ""...records lost in the move to London, or when the War Office joined the Ministry of Defence," ""and the withdrawal of papers that could give grounds for an action" ""for libel or breach of confidence or cause embarrassment to friendly governments."" "Well, that's pretty comprehensive." "How many does that normally leave for them to look at?" "How many does it actually leave?" "About a hundred?" "Fifty?" "Ten?" "Five?" "Four?" "Three?" "Two?" "One?" "Zero?" "Yes, Minister."