"Damn." "I can't believe it." "The school's like three miles away." "It took us 45 minutes to get home." "I know, sweetheart." "Those traffic jams can be so frustrating." "Wasn't no traffic." "It was carlton's driving." "It was old people in walkers passing us." "Look, the fact that I'm safety conscious does not mean I drive like a little old man." "carlton, please, George Burns flipped you the bird." "He was waving." "The man has arthritis." "Hey, look, don't feel bad, Aunt Viv." "At least you have two normal daughters." "I have been stabbed in the back." "Is nothing sacred?" "Is there, Iike, no honor?" "Baby, what's the matter?" "Francesca asked me to be a bridesmaid at her wedding." "There is, Iike, no God, okay." "And?" "well, what do you mean, "And"?" "She expects me to take care of the rice they throw when they leave the church." "Like I'm gonna learn how to cook just for her wedding." "Aunt Viv, don't feel bad." "At least you have one normal daughter." "Aunt Viv, I'd say it's about time you started feeling bad." "Is Linda blair down there?" "ashley, baby, are you all right?" "I'm sorry if I disturbed you." "I guess the pain was just too much to bear." "I'm not surprised, 180 degrees." "Yo, take 1,000 aspirin, drink 50 gallons of water... and stay in bed until carlton's voice changes." "ashley, baby, now you've been acting strange all day." "What's going on?" "There's this science test tomorrow on the plant kingdom." "It's really hard." "Honey, all we've ever asked is that you try to do your best." "I know." "And how are you gonna know what your best is unless you try?" "Now you go upstairs and study until bedtime." "Okay." "Kids, man, kids." "I mean, it's like you love them and you love them and you love them... but sometimes, you know, they make you just wanna pull out your... tongue." "Come in." "ashley, what is wrong with you?" "Look, playing sick by putting a thermometer... over a 100-watt light bulb... is not the way to solve your problems." "The key is a 60-watt light bulb." "Thanks, will." "But what I really need to know is how to kick someone's butt." "Word up." "carlton getting on your nerves, too?" "It's not carlton." "It's this girl paula Hoover." "If I don't give her my lunch, she hits me." "And tomorrow at 3:00, she's gonna beat me up... whether I feed her or not." "well, I happen to know she ain't gonna be beating you up." "Why?" "Did she die?" "No." "I'm gonna teach you how to defend yourself." "Get up, girl." "Come on." "AII right, look." "Step one:" "You gotta learn how to take somebody's heart, right?" "In the old days, they used to call it selling woof tickets." "She won't buy anything from me, will." "No." "See, a woof ticket is like a threat." "See, right?" "It's all in your attitude." "It's like:" "Say, man!" "Hey!" "You don't get out of my face, man, I'm gonna hit you so hard... your grandpa's gonna get a lump." "I will hit you so hard, it will bruise your great-grandfather badly." "That would be great if you were rumbling Princess Di." "But, no... try it like this:" "Say, man!" "I'm gonna hit you so hard you're gonna land in another zip code!" "I'm going to hit you so hard you're going to land in another zip code!" "Moving on." "Look, the next step is fuII-scaIe psychological warfare, right?" "So you gotta act like you got this tick, right?" "Like the army did this experiment on you, right, that just went terribly wrong." "Like:" "Back up!" "Back up!" "Mind your business, that's all." "Mind your business." "Okay." "Back up!" "Back up!" "Mind your business, that's all." "Just mind your business." "What the heck is going on here?" "Hey, sorry, man." "HomegirI says she was a vanilla Ice fan." "I kind of lost my head." "You expect me to believe that?" "Everybody likes vanilla Ice." "Now what's really going on?" "paula Hoover's been beating me up... so will's gonna show me how to fight her after school tomorrow." "You should be ashamed of yourself, will." "violence only begets violence." "Now that is not the way you deal with a bully." "Now I have found that as long as you pay them promptly... they pretty much leave you alone." "I have been, and she still wants to beat me up." "Yeah, that's why she has to defend herself." "Put your hands up" "Not so." "You and paula must find a common ground." "Remember, "We must never negotiate out of fear..." ""but we must never fear to negotiate."" "John F. Kennedy." "But never forget, Mama Said Knock You Out." "LL cool J." "ashley, do you believe that violence is wrong?" "ashley, do you believe it's wrong to be this pathetic little wimp?" "Yes." "well, no." "I don't know." "Can I be alone now?" "well, ashley, no matter whatever happens tomorrow... just know that I believe in you." "And, ashley, whatever happens tomorrow... know that I believe carlton is adopted." "Why don't you mind your business sometimes, man?" "Every time I turn my head...." "I knew she wouldn't show." "I don't blame her." "I'd whip her bootie." "I'd wax her tail." "I'd kick her heinie." "Hi, paula." "Nice shoes." "Are you ready?" "Okay, but it's only fair I warn you." "I'm gonna hit you so hard... your grandpa's gonna be great in another area code... or something." "Back up!" "Back up!" "Mind your business, that's all." "Just mind your business." "Hey, if it isn't my cousin ashley." "What a nice surprise." "I should have known you'd call in reinforcements, Banks." "And you must be the spawn of Satan." "It's just a coincidence, paula." "Honest." "ashley, isn't this a nice surprise?" "What are you doing here, man?" "I'm her brother." "What do you want?" "To humiliate the girl?" "Do you guys mind?" "I'm beating someone else up at 4:00." "Listen, paula... the great Martin Luther King taught us that violence is never the way." "We must rise above hate and mend our differences... to perseverance and love." "Thank you for helping me prove my point." "Look, I will turn the other cheek." "Running a little low on cheeks there, bro?" "You cannot make me angry, paula." "Because if I surrender to anger I have surrendered my very independence." "You know, paula, even the great Martin Luther King... probably drew the line somewhere." "And it was probably somewhere around that region you were just aiming." "girlfriend, we need to talk." "I just got a little bit of a beef with you, you know?" "You've been messing with my cousin ashley, right?" "I gotta be honest with you, it's kind of ticking me off." "I'm quaking in my tube socks." "She's funny." "Hey, look, you know what?" "This goes against everything that I believe... but you're giving me no choice." "Give you $5, you leave her alone." "$50." "$50?" "How are you playing me?" "$50?" "Come on, $20." "$50." "$50?" "How are you...." "Come on, baby, I ain't.... $30." "$50." "AII right, deal." "It's kind of a rough neighborhood." "You want to walk me to my car?" "I just don't see what's wrong with the dress." "Francesca, remember the first day of junior high... when you showed up in a reversible poncho?" "Who hid you under the bleachers?" "You did, hilary." "That's right, because I care about you." "Remember freshman year?" "Do I need to bring up the culotte incident?" "Then I think it's time we stopped the madness." "Francesca, this dress, it's an abomination." "What if we add a dickey?" "Why don't we just wear Wax Lips?" "hilary, you haven't agreed with one thing I've picked for my wedding." "well, I agreed that you should wear white, and I think we all know that's a stretch." "I guess you're right." "So could you help me, please?" "well, I guess I couId come up with a few tips." "Geoffrey, hit the lights." "well, there must be some mistake." "Are you certain?" "Thank you." "I appreciate the call." "I cannot believe this." "Is everything all right, Mom?" "Yeah, what's up?" "well, that was ashley's principal." "He said ashley hasn't been to school for the Iast three days." "Now I don't understand this." "Now ashley has been going to school... every day and coming home at 3:30 like she always does." "Do you boys know anything about this?" "Hi, Mommy." "Hi, sweetheart." "How was school today?" "It was great." "We had to write an essay in english." "I think I aced it." "well, what did you write about?" "My neck?" "You wrote an entire essay on your neck." "That is quite impressive, sweetheart... since your principal called and said that you have not been at school today... yesterday, or the day before." "philip, I'm glad you're home." "ashley, go for the sympathy." "Cry like your life depended on it... then try to throw up." "Fine, but if I go down, I am taking both of you with me." "You have a Iot of explaining to do, young lady." "It was paula Hoover." "She was beating me up." "will and carlton tried to get her to leave me alone... but then she started again after carlton's check bounced." "That little extortionist." "She promised she wouldn't cash my check until the weekend." "A bully is no reason to cut school, ashley." "uncle phil, you haven't exactly seen paula Hoover." "Like, picture Mike Tyson in a training bra." "philip, I do not Iike the sound of this." "I think we should talk to the principal." "No." "I'II be a total outcast." "I'II have to eat lunch with the janitor." "Honey, we've got to do something." "Maybe we should invite paula's parents over and get to the bottom of this." "Yo, word up." "I've got some boxing gloves, uncle phil." "You gotta get your own headgear, though." ""Let's get ready to rumble! "" "paula's parents get here yet?" "No, not yet." "Good." "We got a little while for a few Iast-minute tips." "AII right." "Check it out." "Act like you got this tick, right?" "Like the army did this experiment on you that just went terribly wrong, right?" "You be like:" "Back up!" "Back up!" "Mind your business, that's all." "Mind your business." "will, we're going to settle things in a civilized manner." "That's how adults handle things." "Yeah, well, not in my neighborhood." "Hey, yo, I got your back, uncle phil, man." "You'd better get out of here before I get your butt." "Doctor and Mrs. Norbert Hoover." "welcome." "I'm philip and this is my wife, Vivian." "Dr." "Hoover." "Mrs." "Hoover." "And you must be paula." "Geoffrey, why don't you take paula into the kitchen?" "I bet she would love some of your famous cookies." "certainly." "follow me, Miss paula." "So, Doctor, what kind of a doctor are you?" "I'm a child psychiatrist." "Now, young ladies, I have some wine to serve." "will you two be able to refrain from battering each other in my absence?" "No sweat, Lurch." "still got it." "paula is wonderful." "She's really, really adorable." "But we are very concerned that she and ashley do not seem to be getting along." "We know." "Dr. Hoover and I had a Iong talk with paula after you called." "apparently, ashley has been quite ruthless with her." "well, you can't seriously think it's ashley's fault." "It's understandable." "She's probably just seIf-conscious about that tick." "I'd be happy to prescribe something." "But you don't beat up everybody." "Why do you just pick on me?" "Larry wells." "You cut in when I was dancing with him after the game." "No." "I didn't want to cut in." "Hey, I was dancing with Brad nelson, but he wanted to dance with you... so I was stuck with that guy." "I never even knew his name." "really?" "Brad likes me?" "Yeah." "Wow." "If I'd known, I never would have beat up his sister." "So you wanna be friends?" "As long as you're not after Larry wells." "Larry who?" "Okay." "We're friends." "No!" "will!" "Don't!" "We're friends now." "Sure you don't want to get a couple sucker punches in there?" "Your daughter suffers from displaced aggression syndrome." "well, Dr. Hoover, I'm afraid I would have to get a second opinion... before I couId believe that." "It's definitely displaced aggression syndrome." "Let me put it in simpler terms." "This is where a child acts out the repressed hostility... of an unhappy home." "And what is that supposed to mean?" "Too many big words?" "No, Miss Thing, but I got a couple of small words for you." "Vivian...." "Hey, good news, people." "The girls are" "obviously, your wife is upset." "It's common with women in mid-Iife." "I'd be happy to prescribe something." "Dr. Hoover, the school where you got your degree... did you find it on the back of a matchbook?" "please, my humble brothers, pIease" "Penn State, my brother." "really?" "Good school." "I was thinking of going there if my scholarship... to Princeton, yale, Wharton, and TaIIadega Tech had fallen through." "Impressive." "You must have been quite an athlete in your thinner days." "Okay." "Time out." "Time out." "Hey, Iet's stick to the topic, okay?" "Fine." "Speaking as a doctor..." "I think your daughter ought to be heavily sedated... and immediately institutionalized." "well, speaking as a lawyer..." "I can only say that your daughter suits the criminal profile... to a tee, right down to the Iow-sIoping forehead... and the wide jaw suitable for grains and small rodents." "I think you must have her confused with your mama." "That's it, uncle phil!" "You're grounded!" "You know, I'd be happy to prescribe something for that." "Here you go, sweetheart." "Thank you." "I don't believe it." "I have never witnessed anything more humiliating in my Iife." "JiIted at the altar." "Other than crow's feet... that is the worst thing that can happen to a woman." "Francesca was jilted?" "No, I was talking about me." "AII that hard work redesigning this dress, and that ingrate eIoped." "And to think I was gracious enough to let her invite her hayseed grandmother." "Dad, I hope you don't mind me saying this, but it's got to be said." "What you did tonight was wrong." "Word, I gotta agree with carlton." "Who said that?" "I thought you said that's how you settled disputes... in your old neighborhood." "No." "See, in my neighborhood we got this sacred code." "It's like:" "My broski!" "Whatever you want to do... broham, on the Ieft or the right we can do that all night." "But all that old yackety-yak, jawbone, you kicking in the middle, man... you can stop that, 'cause I ain't down with that." "You see what I'm saying?" "No." "Me, neither." "That's why it's so sacred." "The point is, I was wrong." "I lost control." "ashley, baby... in the future, I hope you'II do what I say and not what I did." "Even though it felt good hitting that jerk tonight... really, really good..." "I was wrong." "Sometimes, what feels good is wrong." "Yeah." "Everything that feels good is wrong." "Everything." "Do you understand me?" "Yes." "Okay."