"I was sitting with my friend Arthur Kornblum in a restaurant." "It was a Horn  Hardart cafeteria." "And this beautiful girl walked in, and I turned to Arthur and I said "Arthur, you see that girl?" "I'm going to marry her."" "And two weeks later we were married." "And it's over 50 years later, and we're still married." "Hi, Sally." "Sally, this is Harry Burns." " Harry, this is Sally Albright." " Nice to meet you." " Wanna drive the first shift?" " You're there already." "You start." "Back's open." " Call me." " I'll call you as soon as I get there." " Call me from the road." " I'll call you before that." " I love you." " I love you." "Sorry." " I miss you already." "I miss you already." " I miss you." " Bye." " Bye." "I have it all figured out." "It's an 18-hour trip, which becomes six shifts of three hours." "Or, alternatively, we could break it down by mileage." "There's a..." "There's a map on the visor that I've marked to show the locations where we can change shifts." "Grape?" "No." "I don't like to eat between meals." "I'll roll down the window." "Why don't you tell me the story of your life?" " The story of my life?" " We got 18 hours to kill before New York." "That won't even get us out of Chicago." "Nothing's happened to me yet." " So I'm going to New York." " So something'll happen?" " Yes." " Like what?" "Like I'm going to journalism school." "So you can write about things that happen to other people." " That's one way to look at it." " Suppose nothing happens." "Suppose you never meet anybody, you never become anything, then you die and nobody notices for two weeks until the smell drifts into the hall." " Amanda said you had a dark side." " That's what drew her to me." " Your dark side?" " Sure." "Why, don't you have a dark side?" "I know, you probably dot your "i"s with little hearts." "I have just as much of a dark side as the next person." "Oh, really?" "When I buy a new book, I always read the last page first." "That way, if I die before I finish I know how it ends." "That, my friend, is a dark side." "That doesn't mean you're deep." "I mean, yes, basically I'm a happy person." " So am I." " I don't see anything wrong with that." "No, you're too busy being happy." "Ever think about death?" " Yes." " Sure you do." "A fleeting thought that drifts in and out of the transom of your mind." "I spend days." "And this makes you a better person?" "Look, when the shit comes down, I'm gonna be prepared and you're not." "In the meantime, you're gonna ruin your whole life waiting for it." " You're wrong." " I'm not wrong." "He wants her to leave." " That's why he puts her on the plane." " She doesn't want to stay!" "Of course she wants to stay!" "Wouldn't you rather be with Bogart than the other guy?" "I don't wanna spend my life in Casablanca married to a man who runs a bar." "That probably sounds snobbish to you, but I don't." " You'd rather be in a loveless marriage..." " And First Lady of Czechoslovakia." "..than with the man you had the greatest sex of your life with, just because he owns a bar and that is all he does?" "Yes." "And so would any woman in her right mind." "Women are practical, even Ingrid Bergman, which is why she gets on the plane at the end of the movie." "I understand." " What?" "What?" " Nothing." " What?" " Forget about it." " Forget about what?" " It's not important." "No, just tell me." "Obviously you haven't had great sex yet." " Two, please." " Right over there." " Yes, I have." " No, you haven't." "It just so happens that I have had plenty of good sex." "With whom?" " What?" " With whom did you have this great sex?" "I'm not gonna tell you that!" "Fine." "Don't tell me." " Shel Gordon." " Shel." "Sheldon?" "No." "No, you did not have great sex with Sheldon." " I did, too." " No, you didn't." "A Sheldon can do your taxes." "If you need a root canal, Sheldon's your man." "But humping' is not Sheldon's strong suit." "It's the name." ""Do it to me, Sheldon." "You're an animal, Sheldon." "Ride me, big Sheldon."" " It doesn't work." " Hi." " What can I get you?" " I'll have a number three." "The chef's salad with the oil and vinegar on the side." "And the apple pie á la mode." "Chef and apple á la mode." "But I'd like the pie heated and I want the ice cream on the side." "I'd like strawberry, if you have it." "If not, then whipped cream, but only if it's real." "If it's out of a can, nothing." " Not even the pie?" " No, just the pie, but then not heated." " What?" " Nothin'." "Nothin'." " How come you broke up with Sheldon?" " How do you know we broke up?" "If you didn't, you wouldn't be with me." "You'd be with Shel the Wonder Schlong." "First of all, I am not with you." "And second of all, it is none of your business why we broke up." "You're right, you're right." "I don't wanna know." "Well, it was because he was jealous and I had these days-of-the-week underpants." "Sorry, I need a judge's ruling on this." " Days-of-the-week underpants?" " Yes." "They had days of the week on them and I thought they were funny." "Then one day Sheldon says to me "You never wear Sunday."" "He's all suspicious." "Where had I left Sunday?" "And I told him and he didn't believe me." " What?" " They don't make Sunday." " Why not?" " Because of God." "OK, so 15 % of my share is 90." "$6.90." "Let's leave seven." "What?" "Do I have something on my face?" "You're a very attractive person." "Thank you." "Amanda never said how attractive you were." "Maybe she doesn't think I'm attractive." "I don't think it's a matter of opinion." "Empirically, you are attractive." "Amanda is my friend." "So?" " So you're going with her." " So?" "So you're coming on to me!" "No, I wasn't." "What?" "Can't a man say a woman is attractive without it being a come-on?" "All right, all right." "Let's just say, just for the sake of argument, that it was a come-on." "What d'you want me to do about it?" "I take it back, OK?" "I take it back." "You can't take it back." " Why not?" " Because it's already out there." "What are we supposed to do?" "Call the cops, it's already out there!" "Just let it lie." " OK?" " Great! "Let it lie." That's my policy." "That's what I always say: "Let it lie."" "Wanna spend the night in a motel?" " See?" "I didn't let it lie." " Harry." "I said I would, then I didn't." " Harry!" " What?" "We are just going to be friends, OK?" "Great!" "Friends!" "It's the best thing." "You realise that we could never be friends." " Why not?" " What I'm saying is, and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form, is that men and women can't be friends, cos the sex part always gets in the way." "That's not true." "I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved." " You don't." " I do." " You don't." " I do!" "You only think you do." "I have sex with them without my knowledge?" "No, they all wanna have sex with you." " They do not." " Do, too." " They do not." " Do, too." "How do you know?" "No man can be friends with a woman he finds attractive." "He always wants to have sex with her." "So you're saying a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive." "No, you pretty much wanna nail them, too." "What if they don't wanna have sex?" "Doesn't matter." "The sex thing is already out there, so the friendship is doomed." " I guess we're not gonna be friends then." " Guess not." "That's too bad." "You were the only person that I knew in New York." " Thanks for the ride." " Yeah." "It was interesting." " It was nice knowing you." " Yeah." " Well, have a nice life." " You, too." " We fell in love in high school." " Yeah, we were high-school sweethearts." "But then after our junior year his parents moved away." " But I never forgot her." " He never forgot me." "No, her face was burned on my brain." "And it was 34 years later that I was walking down Broadway and I saw her come out of Toffenetti's." "We both looked at each other, and it was just as though not a single day had gone by." "She was just as beautiful as she was at sixteen." "He was just the same." "He looked exactly the same." "Joe!" "I thought it was you." "I thought it was you." " Harry Burns." " Harry." "How ya doin'?" " Good." "How you doin'?" " Fine." "I'm doin' fine." "I was just walking by and I thought it was you." "Yeah, it was." " You still with the DA's office?" " No, I switched to the other side." "You?" "I work with a small firm." "We do political consulting." "Yeah, it's great." "Harry, this is Sally Albright." "Harry Burns." "Harry and I, we used to..." "We lived in the same building." "Well, listen, I got a plane to catch." "It was good to see you, Joe." "Bye." "Thank God he couldn't place me." "I drove to New York with him five years ago and it was the longest night of my life." " What happened?" " He made a pass at me." "When I said no:" "he was going with a girlfriend of mine..." "Oh, God." "I can't remember her name." "Don't get involved with me." "I am 26 and can't remember the name of the girl" "I was such good friends with I wouldn't get involved with her boyfriend." " So what happened?" " When?" "When he made a pass, you said no..." "I said we could just be friends." "And this part I remember." "He said men and women could never really be friends." "Do you think that's true?" "No." "Do you have any women friends, just friends?" "No." "But I will get one if it's important to you." "Amanda Reese!" "That was her name." "Thank God." "I will miss you." "I love you." " You do?" " Yes." "I love you." " What would you like to drink?" " Nothing, thanks." " D'you have any Bloody Mary mix?" " Yes." "No, wait." "Here's what I want." "Regular tomato juice, fill it up three quarters, then add a splash of Bloody Mary mix - just a splash - and some lime on the side." "The University of Chicago, right?" " Yes." " Did you look this good at university?" " No." " Did we ever...?" "No." "No!" "We drove from Chicago to New York together after graduation." " Would you two like to sit together?" " Great!" "Thank you." "You were a good friend of..." "Amanda's." "I can't believe you can't remember her name." "What do you mean?" "I can remember." "Amanda Rice." " Reese." " Reese, right." "What happened to her?" " I have no idea." " You have no idea?" "!" "You were friends." "We didn't make it because you were such good friends." " You went with her!" " Was it worth it?" "The sacrifice, for a friend you no longer see?" "Harry, you might not believe this, but I never considered not sleeping with you a sacrifice." "Fair enough." "Fair enough." " You wanted to be a gymnast." " Journalist." " That's what I said." "And?" " I am a journalist." "I work at The News." "Great." "And you're with Joe." "Well, that's great." "Great." "You're together, what, three weeks?" " A month." "How did you know?" " You take someone to the airport, it's the beginning of a relationship." "That is why I never do that at the beginning." " Why?" " Because eventually things move on and you don't take someone." "I never wanted anyone to say" ""How come you never take me to the airport any more?"" "It's amazing." "You look normal, but actually you are the Angel of Death." "Are you gonna marry him?" "We have known each other a month and neither of us wants to marry right now." "I'm getting married." "You are?" " You are?" " Yeah." " Who is she?" " Helen Hillson." "She's keeping her name." " You're getting married." " Yeah." "What's so funny about that?" "It's just..." "It's just so optimistic of you, Harry." "You'd be amazed what falling madly in love can do for you." "Well, it's wonderful." "It's nice to see you embracing life." "Yeah." "Plus, you get to a certain point where you get tired of the whole thing." " What whole thing?" " The whole "life of a single guy" thing." "You meet someone, you have the safe lunch, you decide to move on to dinner." "You go dancing, you do the white man's overbite, go back to her place, have sex, and then you know what goes through your mind?" ""How long do I have to lie here and hold her before I can go home?"" ""Is 30 seconds enough?"" "That's what you're thinking?" "Is that true?" "Sure." "All men think that." "How long do you like to be held afterwards?" "All night, right?" "That's the problem." "Somewhere between 30 seconds and all night is your problem." " I don't have a problem." " Yeah, you do." " Staying over?" " Yes." "Would you like to have dinner?" "Just friends." "You don't believe men and women can be friends." " When did I say that?" " On the ride to New York." "No, no, no, no, I never said that." "Yes, that's right." "They can't be friends." "Unless both are involved with someone." "Then they can." "I amend the earlier rule." "If two people are in relationships, the pressure of possible involvement is lifted." "That doesn't work either." "The person you're with can't see why you need to be friends with the person, like it means something is missing from the relationship." "Then when you say "No, nothing is missing", the person you're with accuses you of being attracted to the person you're just friends with, which you probably are." "I mean, let's face it." "So we're back to the rule before the amendment:" "men and women can't be friends." "Where's it leave us?" " Harry." " What?" "Goodbye." "OK." "I'll just stop walking." "I'll let you go ahead." "We were married 40 years ago." "We were married three years, we got a divorce." "Then I married Marjorie." " First you lived with Barbara." " Right, Barbara." "But I didn't marry Barbara." "I married Marjorie." " Then you got a divorce." " Right." "Then I married Katie." "Another divorce." "Then a couple of years later at Eddie Collecio's funeral, I ran into her." "I was with some girl I don't even remember." " Roberta." " Right." "Roberta." "But I couldn't take my eyes off you." "I remember I snuck over to her and I said..." " What did I say?" " You said "What are you doin' after?"" "Right." "So I ditch Roberta, we go for coffee, a month later we're married." "35 years to the day after our first marriage." " I went through his pockets." " Marie, why?" "FIVE YEARS LATER" " You know what I found?" " No, what?" "They just bought a dining-room table." "His wife just spent $1 ,600 on a table." " Where?" " The point isn't where, Alice." "The point is he's never gonna leave her." "What else is new?" "You've known this for two years." "You're right." "I know you're right." "Can't you find someone single?" "When I was single I knew lots of nice single men." "There must be someone." "Sally found someone." "Sally got the last good one." " Joe and I broke up." " What?" " When?" " Monday." " You waited three days?" " Joe's available?" "For God's sake, Marie, don't you have feelings?" "She's obviously upset." "I'm not that upset." "We'd been growing apart for a while." "But you were a couple." "You had someone to go places with." "You had a date on national holidays!" "I said to myself "You deserve more than this." "You're 31 ..."" " And the clock is ticking." " No, it doesn't start to tick until you're 36." "God, you're in such great shape." "Well, I've had a few days to get used to it, and I feel OK." "Good." "Then you're ready." " Really, Marie!" " Well, how else do you think you do it?" "I've got the perfect guy." "I don't find him attractive, but you might." "She doesn't have a problem with chins." " Marie, I'm not ready yet." " But you just said you were over him." "I am over him, but I'm in a mourning period." " Who is it?" " Alex Anderson." "You fixed me up with him six years ago." "Sorry." "God." "All right, wait." "Here." "Here we go." " Ken Darman." " He's been married for over a year." "Really?" "Married." " Wait." "Wait, I got one." " Look, there is no point going out with someone I might like if I met him at the right time, but who right now would just be a transitional man." "OK, but don't wait too long." "Remember what happened with David Warsaw?" "His wife left him and everyone said "Give him some time." "Don't move in too fast."" "Six months later he was dead." "Are you saying I should marry quickly in case he's about to die?" "At least you could say you were married." "I'm saying that the right man is out there." "If you don't grab him, someone else will, and you'll spend your life knowing that someone else is married to your husband." "Ten!" "Hut!" " When did this happen?" " Friday." "Helen comes home from work and she says "I don't know if I wanna be married any more."" "Like it's the institution." "Nothing personal, just something she's been thinking about." "I'm calm." "I say "Why don't we take time to think about it?" "Don't rush into anything."" " Yeah, right." " Next day she says she's thought about it." "She wants a trial separation." "She just wants to try it." "But we can still date - like this is supposed to cushion the blow." "I got married so I could stop dating, so still dating is not a big incentive since the last thing you wanna do is date your wife, who should love you." "Which is what I'm saying to her, when it occurs to me maybe she doesn't." "So I say to her "Don't you love me any more?"" "D'you know what she says?" ""I don't know if I've ever loved you."" "That's harsh." "You don't bounce back from that right away." " Thanks, Jess." " No, I'm a writer." "I know dialogue." "That's particularly harsh." "Then she says someone in her office is going to South America and she can sublet his apartment." "I can't believe this." "And the doorbell rings." ""I can sublet his apartment" - the words still hang in the air like in a balloon..." " Like a cartoon." " Right." "So I go to the door and there are moving men there." "Now I start to get suspicious." "I say "Helen, when did you call these movers?" She doesn't say anything." "So I ask the movers "When did this woman book you?"" "And they're three huge guys." "One with a T-shirt saying "Don't fuck with Mr Zero."" "So I said "Helen, when did you make this arrangement?" She says "A week ago."" "I said "You've known for a week and you didn't tell me?"" "And she says "I didn't wanna ruin your birthday."" "Mr Zero knew you were getting a divorce a week before you?" " Mr Zero knew." " I can't believe this!" " I haven't told you the bad part yet." " What's worse than Mr Zero knowing?" "It's all a lie." "She's in love with somebody else." "Some tax attorney." " She moved in with him." " How did you find out?" "I followed her." "Stood outside the building." " That's so humiliating!" " Tell me about it." "And, you know, I knew." "I knew that even though we were happy, it was an illusion." "And that one day she'd kick the shit outta me." "Marriages don't break up due to infidelity." "It's a symptom something else is wrong." "Oh, really?" "Well, that symptom is fucking my wife!" "So I just happened to see his American Express bill." "What do you mean "just happened" to see it?" "Well, he was shaving, and there it was in his briefcase." "What if he came out and saw you?" "You're missing the point." "I'm telling you what I found." "He just spent $1 20 on a new nightgown for his wife." " I don't think he's ever gonna leave her." " No one thinks he's ever gonna leave her." "You're right, you're right." "I know you're right." "Someone is staring at you in Personal Growth." "I know him." "You'd like him." "He's married." " Who is he?" " Harry Burns." "He's a political consultant." "He's cute." " You think he's cute?" " How do you know he's married?" "Last time I saw him he was getting married." " When was that?" " Six years ago." "So he might not be married any more." "Also, he's obnoxious." "It's like in The Lady Vanishes, when she says "You're the most obnoxious man",..." " "The most contemptible"." " ..then they fall madly in love." " Also, he never remembers me." " Sally Albright." " Hi, Harry." " I thought it was you." "It is." "This is Marie." "Was Marie." " How are you?" " Fine." " How's Joe?" " Fine." "I hear he's fine." " You're not with Joe any more?" " We just broke up." "I'm sorry." "That's too bad." "Yeah." "Well, you know." "Yeah." "So..." " What about you?" " I'm fine." "How's married life?" "I'm getting a divorce." "I'm sorry." "I'm really sorry." "Yeah, well, what're you gonna do?" "What happened with you guys?" "When Joe and I started seeing each other we wanted the same thing." "We didn't wanna get married because every time anyone we knew got married it ruined their relationship." "They practically never had sex again." "It's true." "That's one of the secrets that no one ever tells you." "I would sit with my girlfriends who have kids... my one girlfriend with kids, Alice, and she would complain about how she and Gary never did it any more." "She didn't even complain about it." "She said it matter-of-factly." "She said they were up all night, they were both exhausted, the kids took every sexual impulse they had out of them." "Joe and I would say "We're so lucky." "We have this wonderful relationship."" ""We can have sex on the kitchen floor and not worry about the kids walking in."" ""We can fly off to Rome on a moment's notice."" "Then one day I was taking Alice's girl for the afternoon cos I promised to take her to the circus." "We were in the cab playing I-spy." ""I spy a mailbox", "I spy a lamppost"." "And she looked out the window and she saw this man and woman with these two little kids, and the man had one of the kids on his shoulders." "And she said "I spy a family."" "And I started to cry." "You know, I just started crying." "And I went home and I said "The thing is, Joe, we never do fly off to Rome on a moment's notice."" "And the kitchen floor...?" "Not once." "It's this very cold, hard, Mexican ceramic tile." "Anyway, we talked about it for a long time." "I said "This is what I want" and he said "I don't"." "And I said "Well, I guess it's over." And he left." "And the thing is, I..." "I feel really fine." "I am over him." "I mean, I really am over him." "That was it for him." "That was the most that he could give." "And every time I think about it, I am more and more convinced I did the right thing." "Boy, you sound really healthy." "Yeah." " At least I got the apartment." " That's what everybody says to me." "But really, what's so hard about finding an apartment?" "You read the obituary column." "You find out who died, go to the building, and then you tip the doorman." "It'd be easier if they combined obituaries with the real-estate section." "Then you have "Mr Klein died, leaving a wife, two children and a spacious three-bedroom apartment with a wood-burning fireplace."" "The first time we met I really didn't like you that much." " I didn't like you." " Yeah, you did." "You were just so uptight then." "You're much softer now." "I hate that kind of remark." "It sounds like a compliment, but it's an insult." "OK, you're still as hard as nails." "I didn't wanna sleep with you so you wrote it off as a character flaw, instead of dealing with the possibility it might have something to do with you." "What's the statute of limitations on apologies?" " Ten years." " I can just get it in under the wire." "Would you like to have dinner with me sometime?" "Are we becoming friends now?" "Well..." "Yeah." "Great!" "A woman friend." "You may be the first attractive woman I've not wanted to sleep with in my entire life." "That's wonderful, Harry." " We were born in the same hospital,..." " ln 1921 ." " ..seven days apart." " ln the same hospital." " We both grew up one block apart." " We lived in tenements." " On the Lower East Side." " On Delancey Street." " I moved to the Bronx when I was ten." " He lived on Fordham Road." " She moved when she was 1 1 ." " I lived on 183rd Street." " She worked on the 1 5th floor as a nurse." " I worked for a prominent neurologist,..." " I had a practice on the 14th floor." " .." "Dr Permelman." " We never met." " Never met." " Can you imagine that?" " D'you know where we met?" "An elevator." " I was visiting family." " ln the Ambassador Hotel." "He was on the third floor, I was on the 1 2th." "I rode up nine extra floors just to keep talking to her." "Nine extra floors." " Hello." " You sleeping?" " No, I was watching "Casablanca"." " Channel?" " Eleven." " Thank you." "Got it." "So you'd be happier with Victor Laszlo than with Humphrey Bogart?" " When did I say that?" " When we drove to New York." " I never said that." "I'd never say that." " All right, fine." "Have it your way." " Have you been sleeping?" " Why?" "Cos I haven't been sleeping." "I really miss Helen." "Maybe I'm coming down with something." "I watched "Leave It to Beaver" in Spanish." ""Buenos días, Seòor Cleaver." "?" "Dónde están Wallace y Theodore?"" "I'm not well." "I went to bed at 7.30." "I haven't done that since third grade." "That's the good thing about depression - you rest." " I'm not depressed." " OK." "Fine." "Do you still sleep on the same side ofthe bed?" "I did for a while, but now I'm using the whole bed." "God, that's great." "I feel weird when just my leg wanders over." "I miss her." " I don't miss him." "I really don't." " Not even a little?" "You know what I miss?" "I miss the idea ofhim." "Maybe I only miss the idea ofHelen." "No, I miss the whole Helen." "Last scene." "Goodbye, Rick." "God bless you." "Ingrid Bergman." "She's low maintenance." " Low maintenance?" " There are two kinds of women." " High maintenance and low maintenance." " And Ingrid is low maintenance?" "An LM, definitely." " Which one am I?" " The worst kind." "You're high maintenance, but you think you're low." " I don't see that." " You don't see that?" ""Waiter, a house salad, but not the regular dressing."" ""I'll have balsamic vinegar - on the side."" ""Then salmon with mustard sauce, but I want the sauce on the side."" " "On the side" is a big thing for you." " I just want it the way I want it." "I know." "High maintenance." ".. 10,000F should pay our expenses." "Our expenses?" "Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship." "Best last line of a movie ever." "I'm definitely coming down with something." "Probably a 24-hour tumour." " You don't have a tumour." " How do you know?" " If you're so worried, go see a doctor." " No, he'll just tell me it's nothing." " Will you be able to sleep?" " If not, I'll be OK." " What'll you do?" " I'll stay up and moan." "Maybe I should practise now." "Good night, Harry." "Good night." "I had my dream again - where I'm making love and Olympic judges are watching?" "I'd nailed the compulsories, so this is it: the finals." "I got a 9.8 from the Canadian, a perfect 10 from the American, and my mother, disguised as an East German judge, gave me a 5.6." "Must've been the dismount." "Basically it's the same one I've had since I was 1 2." " What happens?" " No, it's..." "It's too embarrassing." " Don't tell me." " OK, there's this guy." " What's he look like?" " I don't know." "He's just kinda faceless." "A faceless guy." "OK." "Then what happens?" "He rips off my clothes." " Then what happens?" " That's it." "That's it?" "A faceless guy rips off your clothes." "And that's the sex fantasy you've had since you were 12." "Exactly the same?" "Well, sometimes I vary it a little." " Which part?" " What I'm wearing." " What?" " Nothing." "I have decided that for today we are going to talk like this." " Like this?" " No." "To repeat after me." " Pepper." " Pepper." " Pepper." " Pepper!" " Pepper." " Pepper." " Pepper." " Pepper." "Waiter, there is too much pepper on my paprikash." "Waiter, there is too much pepper on my paprikash." "But I would be proud to partake of your pecan pie." "Oh, no!" " But I would be proud." " But I would be proud." " To partake." " To partake." " Of your pecan pie." " Of your pecan pie." " Pecan pie." " Pecan pie." " Pecan pie." " Pecan pie!" " Would you like to go to the movies?" " Would you like to go..." "Not to repeat." "Please, to answer." "Would you like to go to the movies tonight?" "Well, I'd love to, Harry, but I can't." "What do you have?" "A hot date?" " Well, yeah." "Yeah." " Really?" "Yeah." "I was gonna tell you, but, I don't know, I felt strange about it." " Why?" " Cos we've spent so much time together." "I think it's great that you have a date." " You do?" " Yeah." " Is that what you're gonna wear?" " Yeah." "Well, I don't know." "Why?" "I think you should wear skirts more." "You look really good in skirts." " I do?" " Yeah." "I think hieroglyphics are really a comic strip about a character named Sphinxy." " Harry, you should get out there, too." " I'm not ready." " You should." " I would not be good for anybody now." "It's time." "It was the most uncomfortable night of my life." "See, no, it has to go this way." "The first date back is always the toughest, Harry." "You only had one date." " How do you know it won't get worse?" " How much worse can it get than finishing dinner, having him pull a hair out of my head and floss with it?" "We're talking dream date compared to my horror." "It started out fine." "She's a very nice person." "And we're talking in this Ethiopian restaurant she wanted to go to." "I was making jokes, like "I didn't know they had food in Ethiopia."" ""This'll be a quick meal." "I'll order two empty plates and we can leave."" "Yeah!" "Nothing from her, not even a smile." "I downshift into small talk and ask where she went to school." "She says Michigan State." "And this reminds me of Helen." "All of a sudden I'm in the middle of an anxiety attack - my heart's beatin' fast and I start sweatin' like a pig." " Helen went to Michigan State?" " No, Northwestern." "But they're both Big Ten schools." "I got so upset I had to leave the restaurant." "Harry, I think this takes a long time." "It might be months before we're able to enjoy going out with someone new." "Yeah." "Maybe longer before we're able to go to bed with someone new." "I went to bed with her." " You went to bed with her?" "!" " Sure." " I don't understand this relationship." " What d'ya mean?" " Enjoy being with her?" " Yeah." " You find her attractive?" " Yeah." " And you're not sleeping with her?" " No." "You're afraid to let yourself be happy." "Why can't you gimme credit for this?" "This is a big thing for me." "I never had a relationship with a woman that didn't involve sex." "I'm growing." " Are you finished?" " I got a stack o' quarters." "I was here first." " Were not." " Was too." " Were not!" " Was too!" " Big jerk." " Little creep." " Where was I?" " You were growing." "Yeah." "It's very freeing." "I can say anything to her." "Are you saying you can say things to her you can't say to me?" "No, it's just a different perspective." "I get the woman's point of view on things." "She tells me about the men she sees, and I talk to her about the women I see." " You tell her about other women?" " Yeah." "Like the other night, I made love to this woman and it was incredible." "I took her to a place that wasn't human." "She actually meowed." " You made a woman meow?" " Yeah, and I can say these things to her." "And the great thing is, I don't have to lie because I don't wanna get her into bed." " I can just be myself." " You made a woman meow?" "What do you do with these women?" "Just get up and leave?" " Sure." " Explain how you do it." "What do you say?" "I say I have an early meeting, early squash game." " You don't play squash." " They don't know that." "They just met me." " That's disgusting." " I know." "I feel terrible." "I'm so glad I never got involved with you." "I just would've been some woman you had to get outta bed and leave at 3am and go clean your andirons." "You don't even have a fireplace." " Not that I would know this." " Why are you upset?" "This isn't about you." "Yes, it is!" "You are a human affront to all women, and I am a woman." "Hey, I don't hear anyone complaining." "Of course not." "You're out the door too fast." " I think they have an OK time." " How do you know?" "What d'ya mean how do I know?" "I know." " Because they..." " Yes, because they..." " How do you know that they're really..." " What're you saying?" "They fake orgasm?" " It's possible." " Get outta here!" "Why?" "Most women at one time or another have faked it." " They haven't faked it with me." " How do you know?" "Because I know." "Right." "That's right." "I forgot." "You're a man." " What is that supposed to mean?" " Nothing." "All men are sure it never happened to them and most women have done it, so you do the math." "You don't think I could tell the difference?" " No." " Get outta here." "Are you OK?" "Oh, God." "Oh, God." "Oh, God." "Oh, yeah, right there." "Oh, God." "Yes!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Oh, yes!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Oh, God." "I'll have what she's having." " I like you with no beard." "I see your face." " It is my face!" "Whoa!" "Dipping you." " Thank you for taking me out tonight." " Don't be silly." "The next New Year's Eve, if neither of us is with anybody, you got a date." "Deal." "See?" "Now we can dance cheek to cheek." "Hey, everybody!" "Ten seconds to New Year!" " Ten,..." " Wanna get some air?" " Yeah." " ..seven, six, five, four, three, two, one!" "Happy New Year!" " Happy New Year." " Happy New Year." "He was a head counsellor at boys' camp, I was a head counsellor at girls' camp, and they had a social one night, and he walked across the room." "I thought he was coming to talk to my friend Maxine, cos people were always crossing rooms to talk to Maxine." "But he was coming to talk to me, and he said" ""I'm Ben Small of the Coney Island Smalls."" "At that moment I knew." "I knew the way you know about a good melon." "You sent flowers to yourself." "$60 I spent on this big arrangement of flowers, and I wrote a card that I planned to leave on the table where Arthur would just happen to see it." "What did the card say?" ""Please say yes." "Love Jonathan."" " Did it work?" " He never even came over." "He forgot a charity thing his wife is chairman of." "He's never gonna leave her!" " Of course he isn't." " You're right." "I know you're right." " Where is this place?" " Somewhere on the next block." "I can't believe I'm doing this." "Harry is one of my best friends and you are one of my best friends." "And if you two hit it off, we could still be friends, instead of drifting apart like you do when you date someone who doesn't know your friends." "You and I haven't drifted apart since I started seeing Arthur." "If Arthur ever left his wife and I actually met him," "I am sure that you and I would drift apart." "He's never gonna leave her." "Of course he isn't." "You're right." "I know you're right." " I dunno about this." " It's just a dinner." "I've finally gotten to a place where I'm comfortable with just me and my work." " If she's so great why don't you date her?" " I told you." "We're just friends." " So she's not attractive?" " No, she is attractive." " You said she had a good personality." " She has a good personality." "What?" "When someone's not attractive, they're described as having a good personality." "If you'd asked about looks and I'd said "She has a good personality", she's not attractive." "But because I mentioned she has a good personality, she can be either." "Attractive with a good personality, or not attractive with a good personality." " So which one is she?" " Attractive." "But not beautiful, right?" "It's like, whenever I read Jimmy Breslin, it's as if he's leaving a wake-up call" " for the City of New York." " What d'you mean by a "wake-up call"?" "He's saying that we've got people in the city who are on welfare..." "Would I have seen any of your windows?" "A couple of weeks ago I did a thing with hostages." " The people in blindfolds." " Yeah." "I thought it was like late '80s." "That's interesting." "Let's just say I'm not a big fan of Jimmy Breslin." "Well, he's the reason I became a writer, but that's not important." "Harry, you and Marie are both from New Jersey." " Really?" " Where?" " South Orange." " Haddonfield." " So, what are we gonna order?" " I'm gonna start with the grilled radicchio." "Jess, Sally is a great orderer." "Not only does she pick the best, but she orders it in a way even the chef didn't know how good it could be." " Restaurants have become too important." " I agree." ""Restaurants are to people in the '80s what theatre was to people in the '60s."" "I read that in a magazine." "I wrote that." " Get outta here." " No, I did!" "I wrote that." "I've never quoted anything from a magazine." "That's amazing." "Don't you think that's amazing?" "And you wrote it?" "I also wrote "Pesto is the quiche of the '80s."" " Get over yourself!" " I did!" " Where did I read that?" " New York Magazine." "Sally writes for New York Magazine." "You know, that piece had a real impact on me." "I don't know much about writing..." "It spoke to you, and that pleases me." "I mean, you have to admire people who can be that articulate." "Nobody has ever quoted me back to me before." "I've been looking for a red suede pump." "What do you think of Jess?" " Well..." " Do you think you could go out with him?" " I don't know..." " Cos I feel really comfortable with him." " You wanna go out with Jess." " If it would be all right with you." "Sure." "Sure." "I'm just worried about Harry." "He's sensitive, he's going through a rough period, and I don't want you to reject him." "I wouldn't." "I totally understand." "If you don't think you're gonna call Marie, do you mind if I call her?" " No, no." " Good." "Good." "But for tonight you shouldn't." "I mean, Sally's very vulnerable right now." "You can call Marie, but wait a week or so." "Don't make any moves tonight." "Fine." "No problem." "I wasn't even thinking about tonight." "Well, I don't feel like walking any more." "I think I'll get a cab." " I'll go with you." " Great!" "Taxi!" "A man came to me and said "I found nice girl for you."" ""She lives in the next village and she is ready for marriage."" "We were not supposed to meet until the wedding, but I wanted to make sure." "So I sneak into her village, hid behind a tree, watch her washing the clothes." "I think if I don't like the way she looks, I don't marry her." "But she looked very nice to me." "So I said "OK" to the man." "We get married." "We married for 55 years." " I have to get this." " Harry, we're here for Jess and Marie." " We'll find something." "Great stuff." " Should have gone to the plant store." " Here." "Perfect for them." " What's that?" "Battery-operated pith helmet, with fan." " Why is this necessary in life?" " I don't know." "Look at this." "Also makes great fries." "Good." "Call off the dogs." "The hunt is over." "Sally, this is the greatest." "Sally, please report to me." "Look." "This is the greatest." "You're gonna love this." "This is a singing machine." "Look, you sing the lead and this has the backup." " This is from Oklahoma!" " "Surrey with the Fringe on Top"." "Yes, perfect." "~ Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry" "~ When I take you out in my surrey" "~ When I take you out in my surrey with the fringe on top" "Now you!" "~ Watch that fringe and see how it flutters" "~ When I drive those high-steppin' strutters" "~ Nosey pokes'll peek through the shutters" "~ And their eyes will pop!" "~ The wheels are yellow, the upholstery's brown" "~ The dashboard's genuine leather" "~ With isinglass curtains that will ro..." "What?" "It's my voice, isn't it?" "You hate my voice." " I know, it's terrible." "Joe hated it..." " It's Helen." "Helen?" "She's coming right towards me." " How are you, Harry?" " Fine." "I'm fine." "This is Ira Stone." "Harry Burns." "Harry." "I'm sorry." "This is Sally Albright." "Helen Hillson and Ira." "Sally." " Nice to meet you." " Hi." "Well..." " See you." " Yeah." "Bye." "Nice to meet you, Ira." "You OK?" "Yeah, I'm perfect." "She looked weird, didn't she?" "She looked really weird." " I've never seen her before." " Trust me." "Her legs looked heavy." " Must be retaining water." " Harry!" "Believe me, the woman saved everything." "Sure you're OK?" "I'm fine." "Look, it had to happen at some point." "In a city of eight million, you're bound to run into your ex-wife." "So it happened." "And now I'm fine." "I like it." "It works." "It says "home" to me." "All right." "All right." "We'll let Harry and Sally be the judge." "What do you think?" " It's nice." " Case closed." "Of course he likes it - he's a guy." "Sally?" "What's so awful about it?" "It's so awful, there's no way to begin to explain what's so awful about it." "Honey, I don't object to your things." "If we had room, you could put your things in it, like your bar stools..." "Honey, wait, wait." "Honey, wait." "You don't like my bar stools?" "Harry, come on, someone has to be on my side." "I'm on your side." "I just want you to have good taste." "I have good taste!" "Everybody thinks they have good taste, but they couldn't all have good taste." "You know, it's funny." "We started out like this, Helen and I." "We hung things, we picked out tiles together." "Then you know what happens?" "Six years later you're singing "Surrey with the Fringe on Top" in front of Ira!" " Do we have to talk about this right now?" " Yes." "Right now is the perfect time, because I want our friends to benefit from the wisdom of my experience." "Right now everything is great." "Everyone is happy and in love, and that's wonderful." "But sooner or later, you'll be screaming at each other about who'll get this dish." "This $8 dish will cost $1 ,000 in calls to the legal firm of "That's mine, this is yours"." " Harry!" " Please." "Jess, Marie, do me a favour for your own good." "Put your name in your books right now before you don't know whose is whose, because some day you'll go 1 5 rounds over who's gonna get this coffee table." "This stupid, wagon-wheel, Roy-Rogers, garage-sale coffee table!" " I thought you liked it." " I was being nice!" "He just bumped into Helen." "I want you to know that I will never want that wagon-wheel coffee table." "I know, I know, I shouldn't have done it." "Harry, you have to try to find a way of not expressing every feeling you have, every moment that you have them." " Oh, really?" " Yes." "There are times and places for things." "Well, the next time you're giving a lecture on social graces, tell me cos I'll sign up." "Hey!" "You don't have to take your anger out on me." "I'm entitled to throw anger your way." "Especially when I'm being told how to live my life by Miss Hospital Corners!" " What's that supposed to mean?" " Nothing bothers you!" " You never get upset about anything!" " Don't be ridiculous!" "What?" "You never get upset about Joe." "I never see it back up on you." "How is it possible?" " Don't you experience feelings of loss?" " I don't have to take this crap." " If you're over Joe, why not see people?" " I see people!" "See people!" "Have you slept with one person since Joe?" "What the hell does that have to do with anything?" "That will prove I'm over Joe because I fuck somebody?" "!" "You have to move back to New Jersey cos you've slept with everyone in New York." "I don't see that turning Helen into a faint memory for you." "Besides, I will make love when it is making love." "Not the way you do it, like you're out for revenge or something." "Are you finished now?" "Yes." "Can I say something?" "Yes." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "Don't say a word!" "It's a monkey, a monkey." "Monkey see, monkey do." " It's an ape." "Going ape." " It's a baby!" " Planet ofthe Apes!" " She said baby!" "Try Planet ofthe Dopes." " It doesn't look like a baby." " Big mouth." "Jagger as a baby." " Baby ape!" " Stop with the apes." " Baby's breath." " Rosemary's Baby's mouth?" " "Won't You Come Home, Bill Baby?"" " Kiss the baby!" " "Melancholy Baby's Mouth"!" " Baby fish..." "Baby-fish mouth!" " 1 5 seconds." " A big mouth." " Baby boom!" " Baby..." "Draw something resembling anything!" " Crying baby." "Kiss the baby." " Baby spitting up..." "Exorcist Baby!" " "Yes Sir, That's My Baby"." " "No sir, don't mean maybe."" " That's it." "Time's up." " Baby talk." "Baby talk?" "What's that?" "That's not a saying." "But "baby-fish mouth" is sweeping the nation!" "I hear them talking!" "Final score." "Our team: 1 10." "You guys: 60." " Ouch." "Fix!" "Definitely a fix." " Pathetic." " I can't draw." " That's a baby, and it's clearly talking." "You're wonderful." " Who wants coffee?" " I do, and I love you." " D'you have tea?" " lndustrial strength." " I'll help you." "Decaf?" " Yeah." " Three." " Yes, please." " Where's the bathroom?" " Through that door, down the hall." "Never looked like a baby to me." " Which part?" " All of it." " You were gonna show me a book cover." " Yeah, it's in the den." "Julian, help yourself." "Have some more wine, whatever, OK?" "I like saying den." "Got a nice ring to it." "Emily's a little young for Harry, don't you think?" "Well, she's young, but look what she's done." "What has she done?" "She makes desserts." " Does Julian seem a little stuffy to you?" " He's a good guy." "You should talk to him." "He's too tall to talk to." "She makes 3,500 chocolate-mousse pies a week." "Emily is "Aunt Emily"?" "He took us to a Met game last week." "It was great." " You all went to a Met game together?" " Yeah, but it was a last-minute thing." "But Sally hates baseball." "Harry doesn't even like sweets." "Julian is great." "I know." "He's a grown-up." " Emily is terrific." " Yeah." "But when I asked where she was when Kennedy was shot, she said "Ted Kennedy was shot?"" " Hello?" " Are you alone?" "Yeah." "I was just finishing a book." " Could you come over?" " What's the matter?" " He's getting married." " Who?" "Joe!" "I'll be right there." " Hi." " Are you all right?" "Come on in." " I'm sorry to call you so late." " It's all right." " I need a Kleenex!" " OK." "OK." "OK." "He just called me up, "Wanted to see how you were"," ""Fine." "How are you?" "Fine."" "His secretary's on vacation, everything's all backed up." "He's got a big case in Newark, blah, blah, blah." "And I'm sitting on the phone thinking "I am over him, I really am over him," "I can't believe I was ever remotely interested in any of this."" "And then he said "I have some news."" "She works in his office." "She's a paralegal." "Her name is Kimberly." "He just met her!" "She's supposed to be his transitional person, not "the one"!" "All this time, I've been saying that he didn't wanna get married." "But the truth is, he didn't wanna marry me." "He didn't love me." "If you could take him back right now, would you?" "No!" "But why didn't he wanna marry me?" " What's the matter with me?" " Nothing." " I'm difficult." " You're challenging." " I'm too structured." "I'm closed off." " But in a good way." "No, no, no." "I drove him away." "And I'm gonna be 40!" "When?" " Some day." " ln eight years." "But it's there!" "It's just sitting there like this big dead end." "And it's not the same for men." "Charlie Chaplin had babies when he was 73." "Yeah, but he was too old to pick 'em up." "Come here." "Come here." "It's gonna be OK." "It's gonna be fine, you'll see." "Go ahead." "It's not one of my favourites anyway." "It's gonna be OK." "Hm?" "Hm?" "OK?" "OK." " I'll make some tea." " Harry, could you hold me a little longer?" "Oh, sure." "OK?" "Hm?" "Are you comfortable?" "Sure." " D'you want something to drink?" " No, I'm OK." "I'm going to get up for some water, so it's really no trouble." "OK." "Water." "You have all your video tapes alphabetised and on index cards." "Thank you." " D'you wanna watch something?" " No." "Not unless you do." "No." "That's OK." " D'you wanna go to sleep?" " OK." "Where are you going?" "I gotta go." "Gotta go home, change my clothes and go to work." "And so do you." "But after work I'd like to take you out to dinner, if you're free." "You free?" " Yes." " Fine." "I'll call you later." " Fine." " Fine." " Yours!" " Hello." " Sorry to call so early." " Are you all right?" "No one I know would call at this hour." " No one I know would call." " It's awful." " I need to talk." " What happened?" " Harry came over." " I went to Sally's." " I was upset Joe was marrying." " One thing led to another." " Before I knew it we were kissing." "Then..." " ..we did it." "They did it!" " That's great!" " We prayed for it." " You shoulda done it before." " We said you should do it." " You belong together." " You killed two birds with one stone." " Two wrongs make a right." " How was it?" " During part was good,..." " Good,..." " ..then I felt suffocated." " ..then it wasn't." " Sorry." " The worst." " I had to go." " He left." " I feel bad." " I'm embarrassed." "I don't blame you." " I feel ill." " I'm catching a cold." "Look, it didn't work out." "Never sleep with anyone when you find out your ex is marrying." " Who's talking?" " Is that Jess?" " It's Jane Fonda on the VCR." " It's Bryant Gumbel." "Wanna have breakfast?" " No, I'm not up to it." " I feel too awful." " Good." " I mean, it's so early." " But call me later." " I'll call you later." " OK." "Bye." " Bye." " Bye." " Bye." " God!" " I know." "Tell me I'll never have to be out there again." "You will never have to be out there again." "I'll just say we made a mistake." "Sally, it was a mistake." "I just hope I get to say it first." "I hope she says it before I do." " It was a mistake." " I am so relieved that you think so, too." "I'm not saying last night wasn't great." " It was!" " Yes, it was!" " We just never should have done it." " I couldn't agree more." " I am so relieved!" " Great." "Yeah." "Two mixed green salads." "It is so nice when you can sit with someone and not have to talk." "Hm?" "Most of the time, you go to bed with someone, then she tells you all her stories, you tell her all your stories." "But with Sally and me, we'd already heard each other's stories." "So once we went to bed, we didn't know what we were supposed to do." "You know?" "Sure, Harry." "I don't know." "Maybe you get to a point in a relationship where it's too late to have sex." "You know?" "Is Harry bringing anyone to the wedding?" "I don't think so." " Is he seeing anyone?" " He was seeing this anthropologist, but..." " What does she look like?" " Thin, pretty, big tits." "Your basic nightmare." "What d'ya think?" "Marie..." "Tell the truth." "It's just beautiful." "We are gathered here today to celebrate the marriage of Marie and Jess." "And to consecrate their vows of matrimony." "The vows they will take join their lives." "The wine they will share binds all their hopes together." "And by the rings they will wear, they will be known to all as husband and wife." "I've never seen her so happy." "She's a different person." "Oh, yeah, she is." "It's great, but what're we gonna do about you?" " Me?" " Hon, you wanna dance?" " Oh, yeah!" "Yeah, I do." " Excuse us." " Hi." " Hello." " Nice ceremony." " Beautiful." "Boy, the holidays are rough!" "Every year I try to get from Thanksgiving to New Year." "A lot of suicides." " Would you like a pea pod with shrimp?" " Thank you." " How've you been?" " Fine." " Seeing anybody?" " Harry." " What?" " I don't wanna talk about this." " Why not?" " I don't want to talk about it." "Why can't we get past this?" "Are we gonna carry this thing around for ever?" " Forever?" "It just happened!" " It happened three weeks ago." "You know how a year to a person is like seven years to a dog?" "Yes!" "Is one of us supposed to be a dog in this scenario?" " Yes." " Who is the dog?" " You are." " I am!" "I am the dog!" "I am the dog!" "I..." "I don't see that." "You are the dog." "You act like what happened didn't mean anything." "No, I don't, but why does it have to mean everything?" "Because it does!" "You know it better than anyone, cos after it happens you walk out!" " I didn't walk out." " Sprinted is more like it." " We both agreed it was a mistake." " The worst mistake I ever made!" " What do you want from me?" " Nothing!" "Fine!" "But let's just get one thing straight." "I did not go over there to make love to you." "But you looked at me with these weepy eyes: "Don't go home." "Hold me, Harry."" " What was I supposed to do?" " Are you saying you took pity on me?" " No!" "I was..." " Fuck you!" "Everybody, could I have your attention, please?" "I'd like to propose a toast, to Harry and Sally." "To Harry and Sally." "If Marie or I had found either of them remotely attractive, we would not be here today." "Hi, it's me." "It's the holiday season, and I thought I'd remind you that it's the season of forgiveness." "And, although it's not widely known, it is also the season of grovelling." "So, if you felt like calling me back," "I'd be more than happy to do the traditional Christmas grovelling." "Give me a call." "Hi, I'm not home." "I'll call you right back." "If you're there, please pick up." "I really wanna talk to you." "The fact you're not answering leads me to believe you're either, A: not at home," "B: home, but don't wanna talk to me, or C:" "home, desperately wanna talk to me, but trapped under something heavy." "If it's either A or C, please call me back." "Obviously she doesn't wanna talk to me." "What do I have to do, be hit on the head?" "If she wants to call, she'll call." "I'm through actin' like a schmuck." "~ If you're feeling sad and lonely" "~ There's a service I can render" "~ Tell the one who digs you only" "~ I can be so warm and tender" "~ Call me" "~ Maybe it's late to just call me" "~ Don't be afraid to just phone moi" "~ Call me and I'll be around" "Give me a call." " Hi, Harry." " Hello." "Hi!" "Hi!" "I didn't know that you would..." "That you were there." " What're you doing?" " I was just on my way out." "Where you going?" " What do you want, Harry?" " Nothing." "Nothing." "I..." "I just called to say I'm sorry." "OK." " I gotta go." " Wait a second." "Wait... wait a second." "What're you doin' for New Year's?" "Going to the Tylers' party?" "I don't have a date." "If you don't have a date, we always said we could be together for New Year's and..." "I can't do this any more." "I am not your consolation prize." "Goodbye." "And here we are once again." "The 16th annual "New Year's Rockin' Eve", coming to you live..." "What's so bad about this?" "You got Dick Clark - tradition." "You got Mallomars, the greatest cookie of all time." "And you're about to give the Knicks their first championship since 1973." "I don't know why I let you drag me to this." "This is much better." "Fresh air, I have the streets all to myself." "Who needs to be at a big, crowded party, pretending to have a good time?" "Plus, this is the perfect time to catch up on my window-shopping." "This is good." "So the guy says "Read the card."" " I'm going home." " You'll never get a taxi." "Oh, God!" "You realise that we could never be friends." " Why not?" " What I'm saying is, men and women can't be friends, cos the sex part always gets in the way." "That's not true!" "No man can be friends with a woman he finds attractive." " He always wants to have sex with her." " What if they don't wanna have sex?" "Doesn't matter." "The sex thing is already out there, so the friendship is doomed." "And that is the end ofthe story." " I guess we're not gonna be friends then." " Guess not." "That's too bad." "You were the only person that I knew in New York." " I'm going." " It's almost midnight!" " The thought of not kissing somebody..." " I'll kiss you." "Hey, taxi!" "Taxi!" "Taxi!" "Shit." " Come on, stay." "Please." " Thanks, Jess." "I just..." "I have to go." " Wait two minutes." " I'll call you tomorrow." "I've been doin' a lot of thinkin', and the thing is, I love you." " What?" " I love you." " How d'you expect me to respond to this?" " How about you love me, too?" " How about I'm leaving?" " Doesn't what I said mean anything?" "Sorry, Harry." "I know it's New Year's Eve, I know you're feeling lonely, but you just can't show up, say you love me and expect that to make it all right." " It doesn't work this way." " Well, how does it work?" " I don't know, but not this way." " Then how about this way?" "I love that you get cold when it's 71° out." "I love that it takes you 1 1/2 hours to order a sandwich." "I love that you get a crinkle here when you look at me like I'm nuts." "I love that after I spend a day with you I smell your perfume on my clothes." "And I love that you are the last person I wanna talk to before I go to sleep at night." "And it's not because I'm lonely or because it's New Year's Eve." "I came cos when you realise you wanna spend the rest of your life with someone you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." "You see?" "That is just like you, Harry." "You say things like that and you make it impossible for me to hate you!" "And I hate you, Harry." "I really hate you." "I hate you." "What does this song mean?" "My whole life, I don't know." ""Should auld acquaintance be forgot" - should we forget old acquaintances?" "Or if we forget them, should we remember them?" "Which is not possible cos we already forgot 'em!" "Maybe it just means we should remember that we forgot them, or something." "Anyway, it's about old friends." "The first time we met we hated each other." "No, I hated you." "The second time we met, you didn't even remember me." "I did, too!" "I remembered you." "The third time we met we became friends." " We were friends for a long time." " And then we weren't." "And then we fell in love." " Three months later we got married." " It only took three months." "12 years and three months." " We had a really wonderful wedding." " It really was a beautiful wedding." " We had this enormous coconut cake." " Huge coconut cake with the tiers." "And there was this very rich chocolate sauce on the side." "Right." "Cos not everybody likes it on the cake cos it makes it soggy." "Particularly, the coconut soaks up a lot, so it's important to keep it on the side."