"[1970s funk music]" "NARRATOR:" "After a generation of struggle changed the face of our nation..." "African-Americans entered the '70s with new-found hope." "JESSE JACKSON:" "I am!" "CROWD:" "I am!" "JESSE JACKSON:" "Somebody!" "CROWD:" "Somebody!" "NARRATOR:" "Vibrant leaders emerged and black culture reached a high point... influencing all facets of American life." "NARRATOR:" "Progress slowed in the decades that followed." "Black culture began to lose its distinctive flavour." "As the millennium drew to a close, disaster struck." "NARRATOR:" "These seemingly random events were, in fact, orchestrated by..." "THE MAN a villain obsessed with turning back the clock on race relations." "Just when it seemed the funky spirit of the '70s would be lost forever... a new hero emerged." "His name.;" "Undercover Brother." "[1970s funk music]" "[Singing along to funk song] Give it to me Need it, gotta have it" "[Car horn honking]" "[Tyres screeching]" "[Funk music continues with tyres screeching]" "It ain't no thing." "UNDERCOVER BROTHER:" "A bird gonna shit on my windshield?" "Not on my cadillac!" "I'm gonna chop your feathers off and put you in Chinatown!" "They gonna make Peking Pigeon out of you!" "Damn!" "NARRATOR:" "Unknown to Undercover Brother, there was a secret organisation... dedicated to truth, justice and the Afro-American way." "They had never crossed paths until now." "[suspenseful instrumental music]" "MISSION OBJECTIVE:" "DESTROY THE MAN'S FINANCIAL INFRASTRUCTURE" "BROTHERHOOD AGENT" " SISTAH GIRL" "Headquarters, come in." "THE CHIEF" "Good work, Sistah girl." "Data from the mainframe ready to commence." "She's transmitting!" "Are we up and ready?" "Yes, and I've hacked into the bank security system." "SMART BROTHER" "We're in." "The computer." "Another idea stolen from the black man." "CONSPIRACY BROTHER" "Did you know that George Washington Carver... made the first computer out of a peanut?" "A peanut?" "A peanut!" "CHIEF:" "Shut up and get back to work." "I've spent six months setting this up, and I want to see everything." "CHIEF:" "Off-shore accounts, dummy corporations, money laundering." "CHIEF:" "If we can cut off his funds, we may finally be able to stop The Man." "Waited a Iong time for this." "What the hell?" "What the hell?" "What the" "solid." "GUARD 1 :" "What the hell are you doing, old man?" "Headquarters, is there another agent on this case?" "No!" "Damn it, who is that guy?" "I'II cross-reference the bank's security camera with our database." "GUARD 1 :" "Come on, uncle Ben!" "[Chief exclaims]" "[Fabric ripping]" "Oh, shit!" "It's Macy Gray with pork chop sideburns!" "[Music building to a climax]" "[Undercover Brother screams]" "[Face-paced instrumental music]" "Who's bad?" "[Undercover Brother karate-yeIIs]" "Right up the pooper!" "[Romantic instrumental music]" "Right on, sweet sistah." "CHIEF:" "Damn it, Smart Brother, who is he?" "Sistah girl, abort mission!" "[suspenseful instrumental music]" "Damn it." "Who was that guy?" "[suspenseful music turns funky]" "FEMALE CHORUS AND MALE SINGER:" "[Sing to funk music] Hey, Undercover" "Undercover Brother" "solid!" "MALE:" "Here's the plan He's got to fight the man" "And he's looking fine when he goes head to head" "FEMALES:" "Dig those funky threads" "MALE:" "Wears Daddy's black medallion And it stands for pride" "ALL:" "Truth and justice be your guide" "FEMALES:" "Yeah, he's bad" "MALE:" "All he does is good" "ALL:" "He's the Robin Hood of the 'hood" "Hey, Undercover" "MALE:" "Solid!" "ALL:" "Undercover Brother" "FEMALES:" "Dressed to kill in the Coupe DeVille" "ALL:" "Hey, Undercover" "UB:" "Too funky for myself!" "ALL:" "Undercover Brother" "UB:" "Yeah!" "[Dramatic instrumental music]" "MAN: [Over speaker] Feather, The Man wants to see you." "fabulous." "TV ANNOUNCER:" "Now the Channel 8 News with Wendy Marshall and Chuck Marlboro." "There's growing speculation that former defence secretary and war hero..." "General Warren Boutwell, will run for president." "He is considered the first African-American with a legitimate chance of winning." "He is a strong candidate, Chuck." "He's so well-spoken." "I've noticed that." "WENDY:" "Gen. Boutwell seems to have a lot of support across the nation." "CHUCK:" "Yes, and not just in the urban areas." "In fact, the decorated four-star general and Vietnam vet... is regarded as one of the country's most well-respected public figures." "WENDY:" "A staunch advocate for civil rights..." "Boutwell has never backed down from controversial issues." "CHUCK:" "If ever there was a straighter arrow than Warren Boutwell... we'd be hard-pressed to find him." "If he does declare his candidacy, this certainly will be an exciting race." "Race?" "I'm not touching that one." "THE MAN:" "First our children hip-hop all over the suburbs." "Now Boutwell might be president?" "They are taking over every aspect of our culture!" "Don't you agree, Mr. Feather?" "Word." "For sheezy, my neezy." "What did you say?" "I said, "For sure, yes, indeedy."" "I have a cold." "THE MAN:" "I want the White House to stay white." "Eliminate him!" "FEATHER:" "But, sir, if we kill him, we'II only be making him a hero." "Do you have a better idea?" "Our friends at multinational Inc." "have been developing a new drug... with some very interesting side effects." "I think we may have found the perfect guinea pig." "REPORTER:" "The so-called Afro Bandit struck Multinational Bank." "However, it appears no money was stolen." "Authorities questioned singer Macy Gray... but she was released for lack of evidence." "would anybody like to explain exactly what the hell happened at the bank?" "His name is Undercover Brother, Chief." "[Karate-yeIIing]" "apparently he was erasing mortgage records... so that Iow-income families wouldn't lose their homes." "A Soul Train reject with a Robin Hood complex." "Now I've heard everything." "At least he got the job done." "That's exactly the kind of man we need around here." "The key word being "man."" "hold on, I didn't say that this time." "You did." "SMART BROTHER:" "The Gen.'s press conference is starting." "ANCHOR:" "We interrupt this broadcast to go live to a press conference... by Gen. Boutwell, in which he is expected to announce that... he is a candidate for the presidency of the United States." "I wonder if he'II run as a Democrat or an Independent." "Never know." "Might be a republican." "please." "What kind of seIf-respecting black man would run as a republican?" "Name one thing the republican party has done for black people." "One!" "They were the party of lincoln." "They stood against tyranny of oppression by leading the call for the civil War... and forced passage of the Emancipation proclamation which freed the slaves." "AII right, name two things lately." "It doesn't matter what party he's with." "This could be the first step on the road... to putting an African-American in the White House." "CHIEF:" "It's a great day for black people of all races." "BOUTWELL:" "Good morning." "Think about it!" "I've thought long and hard about how I can best serve my country... now that I'm no longer in uniform." "Well, today..." "I am proud to announce that I will be... opening a chain of fried chicken restaurants." "Yes, sir." "REPORTER:" "You're passing up a chance to be President... to open a chicken joint?" "A man like me doesn't have any business in politics." "They say you should always do what you know... and what I know is good fried chicken." "BOUTWELL:" "Yes, ma'am?" "Don't you think your supporters in the African-American community... will be particularly disappointed?" "Not after they taste the General's fried chicken." "Surrender, Colonel, here comes the General." "REPORTER:" "Will there be side dishes?" "BOUTWELL:" "Sweet potatoes, black-eyed peas... mashed potatoes, macaroni, cornbread... and the General's special hot sauce." "That's all today." "Thank you very much." "Nice to see you all." "REPORTER 2:" "What about dessert?" "You know, he does have a point about that colonel." "I never trusted the colonel!" "slaves cooked that chicken!" "Ain't no white man know about no 16 herbs and spices and giblets!" "Smart Brother, if you're so damn smart why don't you explain what just happened?" "[Stutters, Chief mimics him]" "If I wanted to hear something stupid, I'd asked this skinny black arse!" "In your face!" "Skinny black...." "Hey!" "Damn it, we got to find out exactly what happened to the general, fast!" "I'II get right on it, Chief." "hold on, not that fast." "We need some new blood on this case." "What?" "Who?" "You can't just hire some fool off the streets." "Watch me." "Get me Undercover Brother!" "UB:" "Too funky for myself." "BAD GUY:" "You were the only man outside." "JIM KELLY:" "I was outside." "Jimmy!" "But I wasn't the only one." "UB:" "Jim kelly!" "It is not possible." "Watch out for the hand." "Watch out for the hand, Jim." "Gets you every time." "Spin back for us!" "Give him the foot!" "I think I'II lay down and get me a little bit of sleep." "UB:" "Don't touch the hair!" "Okay, Bruce Leroy, turn around." "SISTAH GIRL:" "slowly." "If you gonna shoot me, shoot me." "Thank you, Jesus." "Dig it." "You that Sistah girl from the bank." "I guess you Iike what you saw earlier." "Look, baby, Iet's stop fooling around." "Your body's slammin', Iet's get to jammin'." "Excuse me?" "Nothing relaxes a brother after a hard day of going undercover..." "like a little piece of the cookie." "My cookie would break you in half." "Maybe." "But that would be some long division." "Long." "Look, you hit me pretty good, but I wasn't ready." "Now, any time you think you want to get feisty or throw down" "So, Sistah girl, you're not here for Undercover Lover... you must be here for Undercover Brother." "What, pray tell, can I do for you today?" "SISTAH:" "Okay, we're here." "Now, be cool." "This place is top secret." "UB:" "solid." "ROSCOE:" "Man, you know you ain't right." "I'm gonna need my custom shears for this masterpiece." "careful." "Puncture him, the hot air's liable to kill you." "SISTAH:" "Take a seat." "UB:" "Don't mind if I do." "ROSCOE:" "We're gonna hook you right up." "UB:" "holy FunkadeIic!" "This is some kind of secret organisation you have here." "I mean, look at all this hi-tech spy equipment." "UB:" "Look, you got clippers, you got TCB activator." "I mean your only competition must be the KGB..." "[AII laughing] ...or the FBI." "[Laughing]" "[Undercover Brother screaming]" "Who the hell are you, woman?" "You're the Grim Reaper, ain't you?" "I don't want to go to hell!" "I never did nothing but good!" "I swear to God, I ain't done nothing wrong!" "[Continues to scream]" "[Screaming fades]" "SISTAH:" "Oh, come on." "The flashing light and fan make the drop seem worse than it is." "I knew that." "[Funk music begins]" "MALE VOICE: [Over speaker] Entering secure area." "Stand here." "Right here?" "MALE VOICE: [Over speaker] Blackness confirmed." "You got soul." "What I'm about to show you, few people have ever seen before." "BROTHERHOOD ANNOUNCER:" "Will Agent Jefferson pick up the black courtesy phone?" "ANNOUNCER 2:" "Agents report to the Ready Room." "welcome to the Brotherhood." "solid." "CONSPIRACY BROTHER:" "I know." "I don't want to talk about this over the telephone." "Perhaps we could meet at a secret location." "Okay, that sounds great." "AII right." "revolution." "Take care." "RECORDING:" "The revolution will not be televised." "This is Undercover Brother." "How are you doing, brother?" "Good morning!" "Good morning?" "Get on the desk!" "You brought a spy around me?" "CONSPIRACY:" "Coat check!" "Spy in the building!" "Don't touch the Afro." "Back up off me!" "Back up off me!" "Let me tell you something about the word "good," brother." ""Good" is an ancient Anglo-Saxon word..." ""god," meaning the absence of colour... for example, it's "all good," which it is... or "Good Will Hunting," meaning "I'm hunting niggers!"" "If you say good morning to me, what you're saying is.;" ""I'm gonna kill your black arse first thing in the morning!"" "CHIEF:" "Is that Undercover Brother?" "You are in trouble." "Where have you been?" "Let me tell you something." "This is a job not a summer camp!" "I'm tired of your disrespect!" "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't fire your sorry arse!" "Because I don't work for you?" "Shut up!" "Save your smart comments for the chunky brother in the smock!" "Now get in my office!" "[Sinister instrumental music]" "THE MAN:" "Congratulations, Mr. Feather." "Thank you, Mr. The Man." "As you can see, the general is totally under our control." "THE MAN:" "Yes, our little experiment was a success." "In fact, I've decided to use the General to launch Operation Whitewash." "FEATHER:" "fabulous." "I'II inform multinational to step up production." "THE MAN:" "The only thing standing in our way is the Brotherhood." "And they won't be a problem." "Will they, Feather?" "No, sir." "THE MAN:" "Good." ""will they, Feather?"" "DJ:" "New one from Britney" "[Light contemporary music on radio]" "[Contemporary RB song plays]" "[Music stops]" "What am I doing?" "CHIEF:" "That's why we believe there's got to be some connection... between the general's announcement and The Man." "Y'aII telling me there's really "A Man"?" "What do you think, "Undercover Brother"?" "If that is your real name." "CONSPIRACY:" "You think things just happen by accident?" "No?" "Sometimes people, mostly white people, make things happen." "That's where we come in." "In our never-ending struggle against The Man... a.k.a. whitey, a.k.a. Mr. charlie... a.k.a. Honky McGee." "So, the conspiracies we've believed for all these years are really true?" "The NBA really instituted the three-point shot to give white boys a chance?" "SMART:" "absolutely." "So the entertainment industry really is out to get Spike Lee." "Is that right?" "CONSPIRACY:" "Come on, man." "Even Cher got an Oscar." "Cher!" "And O.J. really didn't do it?" "Let's just move on, shall we?" "holy moley, looks like The Source Awards in here." "[Lance exclaims in pain]" "It does now." "Hurting." "Who's that?" "SISTAH:" "This is Lance, our intern." "Lance, this is Undercover Brother." "What's happening?" "Whas-ssup?" "UB:" "Okay." "How did the white boy get a job here at the Brotherhood?" "Shit." "What can I tell you, man?" "Affirmative Action." "LANCE:" "What?" "Here we go." "Oh, boy." "Open up the window." "It's getting all racial up in this piece." "Look, Undercover Brother, now that you're working for us... you need to memorise our rules and regulations." "Trim the hair and get rid of the clothes." "UB:" "slow your roll, Chief." "I respect what y'aII are doing here at the Brotherhood... but I'm a firm believer in everybody should do their own thing." "LANCE: [Singing] What a boy wants!" "What a boy needs!" "What...." "Okay, he should never do his own thing." "I'm getting too old for this shit." "[Guitar riff]" "CONSPIRACY:" "I said, "You'd better open the bank and give me my money."" "It's my money!" "I don't care whose bank it is!" "I know whose money is in it." "I'm keeping it real." "That's all I'm saying." "Hi, Conspiracy Brother." ""Hi"?" "What you mean "hi"?" "Like, "High yellow, want to be white?" ""High, Iike the white man wants to keep us?"" "High?" "You didn't smell no weed on me, did you?" "Hey, brother, can I get a list of the words that trigger these fits?" "Man, you really need to relax." "Go see a movie." "A movie?" "A movie." "Come on!" "Why?" "So I can faII in love with a black man that teaches white people... everything about the shrimp industry... before they kill him 30 minutes into the movie?" ""Why don't you walk down that tunnel, black man?" ""Hey, black man, turn on the generator." "This dinosaur is out there." ""Hey, black man, look out!" "He's got a gun!"" "[Bang]" "Oh!" "I'm hit!" "But my vest caught it, bitch." "Yes!" "I'm alive!" "I told you to keep your finger off the trigger of that thing!" "CONSPIRACY:" "I'm cool." "Undercover Brother." "CONSPIRACY:" "Back to work." "SMART:" "Sorry." "CONSPIRACY:" "I shit on myself!" "I have a couple of things for you." "Here are your shoes." "I took the liberty of making a few modifications." "Am I correct in assuming that the cadillac that was doubIe-parked in... the Brotherhood parking lot is yours?" "Smart Brother, that is not just a Caddy." "That is a cadillac Coupe DeViIIe." "CONSPIRACY:" "help!" "Y'aII don't care about me!" "I need a sponge bath!" "SMART:" "That's an orange soda dispenser." "And a crossover amp and subwoofer for your eight-track." "Smart Brother, you are a bad mother" "Shut your mouth!" "Enjoy, huh?" "AII right." "Big car, big hair, big necklace." "Someone is clearly overcompensating." "First of all, you forgot about my big, black, fuzzy balls." "secondly, this is not a necklace." "UB:" "It's a medallion given to me by my dad, so I never forget who I am... or what I stand for." "I don't need no gold." "Don't need no jewels." "The medallion keeps me cool." "You dig?" "CHIEF: [Over speaker] Sistah Girl, UB, come in." "What it is, Chief?" "We've discovered that the General is playing golf... with Multinational's head honchos." "Get down there and see what you can find out!" "By the way, Undercover Screwup, don't let me catch your black arse in the news again." "You hear me?" "I want you to blend in!" "UB:" "Chiefie, baby, I'm a master of disguise." "I can blend in like a good weave." "[orchestral music]" "GOLFER 1 :" "Where's that caddy?" "GOLFER 2:" "I don't know." "There he is." "[Reggae music playing]" "Jah mon Rasta." "CODE NAME:" "SANDTRAP" "MISSION:" "OBSERVE GEN." "BOUTWELL 8:1 7 A.M." "[Hushed chatter]" "GOLFER 3:" "Nice shot." "UB:" "Sistah Girl, the camera's up." "Would anyone like some fried chicken?" "SISTAH:" "Mr. Feather." "Undercover Brother?" "We're definitely on the right track." "That's the number one flunky of The Man." "I'm gonna report to the Chief." "Find out what he wants us to do." "That cat will be gone by that time." "This thing's going down now, baby." "This is strictly an observational mission." "We are not authorised to take action." "well, observe this." "Action is what Undercover Brother is all about." "UB:" "Rasta man." "[Various sound effects]" "[Triumphant music]" "FEATHER:" "The mind-controI formula is complete." "[Knocking on door]" "FEATHER:" "Who's there?" "UB:" "Kung!" "Kung who?" "Kung fool!" "[Dramatic instrumental music]" "My wrist!" "help!" "Thief!" "There's a thief here!" "What is your problem?" "Give me back my things!" "Thief!" "Hey, give me that back!" "Hey!" "GUARDS:" "hold it!" "[Whispers] holy Motown." "[OrientaI-sounding instrumental music]" "Come on!" "You don't want to mess with me, man!" "I had them, baby." "Yeah, I saw." "Come on, Iet's go!" "Come on!" "WOMAN:" "Let's get wheat grass at the bar." "MAN:" "Sounds good." "SALT: [Over megaphone] Stop!" "This is security!" "Do not move!" "Quick!" "This way!" "hell, they moved." "[Tyres screeching]" "Do it." "Code 37." "SALT:" "Is he crazy?" "PEPPER:" "slow down." "[salt and Pepper screaming]" "[Honking]" "slow down over there, people!" "hold the wheel, baby." "SALT:" "No!" "Stop!" "Cruising too fast!" "Losing control!" "[salt and Pepper screaming]" "[salt and Pepper still screaming]" "[Stop screaming]" "[Face-paced instrumental music]" "There's got to be another way out." "GUARD:" "hold it!" "[Triumphant funk music]" "Thanks for the lift." "SMART:" "A spectral analysis has ironically confirmed traces of poultry on Mr. Feather." "SISTAH:" "It proves The Man must be behind multinational Inc.'s deal with the general." "I don't get it." "What's The Man doing with fried chicken?" "Is that his big plan, to get black people to eat junk food?" "Open your eyes, Undercover Brother!" "This has to do with discrediting the general." "That is the white man's tactic." "He don't want no black president." "CONSPIRACY:" "You seen it in history." "They never give black men credit." "Jesus Christ." "black man." "Babe Ruth." "black man." "Madonna!" "sleeps with black men." "Think about it." "So the general sold out to The Man." "CHIEF:" "I don't think it's that simple." "When you're dealing with The Man, it never is." "Our only choice here is to infiltrate multinational Inc." "Then we can find out what happened to the General." "It'II be a very dangerous assignment." "It'll be your most vigorous training yet." "You're gonna have to think and act just like a tight-butt white man... with a 401K Plan and a country club membership." "So pay attention." "Here." "Have a bite of this sandwich." "Man, how did you know I was hungry?" "I ain't eaten nothing this morning." "[Gags and makes disgusted sounds]" "You trying to kill me?" "If you're going to pass in white America, you'II to have to Iearn..." "to like mayonnaise!" "No!" "Listen, if you're ever forced to eat this mayonnaise... simply press the button on this side of the watch." "It delivers a rather liberal spritzing of hot sauce." "One blast should be enough to make Caucasian food edible." "UB:" "well, it works on grits." "Damn." "well now, since time is of the essence, I developed a device that allows you... to absorb the whole of white culture in mere seconds... using subliminal imagery." "SMART:" "I call it "Caucasiavision."" "I feel like George clinton." "[Singing] We want the funk" "Turn it on." "UB: [Singing] Give us the funk" "[Boy band singing pop song]" "No!" "Make it stop!" "Make it stop!" "Don't you give up on me!" "I see white people." "UB:" "It's too much." "UB:" "Caucasian overload!" "SMART:" "Breathe, breathe." "That's too much white for one brother to take." "You did good." "We need to make sure the process worked... so I called in an expert on white culture." "[Dramatic instrumental music]" ""In Season 3 of Friends..." ""what object of julia's did Ross see..." ""on his bedside table the night he kissed rachel?"" "[Game show quiz music]" "Her saline solution." "He's ready." "CODE NAME:" "TOKEN" "MISSION:" "INFILTRATE MULTINATIONAL 9:00 A.M." " SHARP [1970s funk music]" "UB:" "Hi, there." "How you doing?" "What do you say there?" "UB:" "Howdy." "RECEPTIONIST:" "May I help you?" "UB:" "I sincerely hope so." "Today's my first day at Multinational." "Oh, my." "Jackson." "Anton Jackson." "And no, not one of the Jackson Five." "[Both laughing]" "Here we go." "You're in Suite 54." "Tobacco Division." "We need some fresh, hip strategies to expand our market share." "UB:" "As it turns out, I have just the product." "Here's one of your cigarettes." "Take a good look at it." "It's pale, small, a little on the limp side." "It's basically inadequate." "It can't possibly give much pleasure to the user." "It sure can't." "Ask yourselves, how many black people are gonna want to smoke this?" "Not the one I know." "UB:" "You have to effectively position your product with the black consumer." "May I present to you the fatty." "It's got that hand-rolled look and feel that's so popular with today's black youth." "It's big." "It's full of Iong-Iasting pleasure, to be enjoyed again and again and again." "[Bonnie moaning]" "I couId use a smoke." "Yeah?" "Good." "[Funky instrumental music]" "It's time to say good-bye to Anton Jackson." "And say what it is to Undercover Brother." "Now that's a long way down." "[Tapping the window rhythmicaIIy]" "Come in, Brotherhood." "UB:" "Are you digging me?" "SISTAH:" "Undercover Brother." "UB:" "I'll transmit some computer files I found about the General." "UB:" "See what you can do with it." "SMART:" "Right on." "The Chief wants you to stay undercover until we decode this information." "I can dig it." "Be careful." "If they're on to you, they might set up a trap." "UB:" "I know this is the wrong time... but I wanted to let you know, I'm thinking about you, girl." "UB:" "I'm bouncing." "Shaking a spot." "Gone." "[Whispers] 'Bye." "[MockingIy] "'Bye."" "[alarm sounds]" "GUARD:" "Mr. EIias, there's been a breach!" "That Afro!" "I'd recognise him anywhere." "The Brotherhood is making their move." "Just as I expected." "It's time to release our secret weapon." "I call it "black Man's Kryptonite."" "[female voice sings pop song]" "How's it going there?" "Yeah." "What the hell?" "[Warped] Oh, dear." "[Warped] What am I gonna do?" "My gosh." "Look at this mess." "Oh, dear." "I'm so sorry." "Let me help you." "That's sweet of you." "If I mess up my boss's report... he's gonna have a conniption, with a capital "K."" "penelope Snow." "Anton Jackson." "I'm so sorry." "Thanks, Anton." "You're so sweet and cute, too." "In a Theo HuxtabIe kind of way." "Are you new here?" "Yeah, it's my first day." "Mine, too." "really?" "I just moved here bringing nothing but my hopes and my dreams." "But sometimes the big city can be so... big." "A girl needs friends, Anton." "would you Iike to be my friend?" "[electric keyboard]" "WHITE SHE DEVIL: [Singing] We all know that people are the same wherever you go" "There is good and bad in everyone" "We learn to live, we learn to give each other" "What we need to survive" "Together alive" "BOTH:" "Ebony and ivory" "Live together in perfect harmony" "Side by side on my piano keyboard" "Oh, Lord, why don't we?" "Ebony, ivory" "SHE DEVIL:" "I didn't know you had such a beautiful voice." "You know, you and I have tons in common." "I know what it feels like to be discriminated against." "I mean, just because a girl has a healthy sexual appetite... doesn't mean she can't do her job." "They look at you and all they see is a threatening black man." "And they look at me... and all they see are my full breasts and my narrow waist that... tapers to my pert backside." "It's just not fair." "WAITER:" "Here you go, folks." "Here's the extra mayonnaise you ordered." "Enjoy." "SHE DEVIL:" "This is the best stuff." "Have you eaten here before?" "I haven't." "It's my first time." "Take a bite of my sandwich." "[Ominous instrumental music]" "Come on, Anton." "Just one little bite." "Scrumptious." "[Light-hearted pop music]" "I can't wait to see you in these corduroys." "You're gonna make me blush." "And you might not see it!" "May I help you, sir?" "hello, fellow person of colour." "How's it going today?" "What's going down?" "What are you doing with that girl?" "What girl?" "That girl!" "The white woman?" "I'm undercover." "UB:" "Sometimes when you go undercover you have to do things... you wouldn't normally do." "No matter how difficult, dangerous, how good it might have felt." "Like having sex with white girls?" "Damn it, woman, would you just back off?" "CLERK: [Over speaker] Attention, angry black man in khakis." "GoIIy, I must have tripped or something." "Hi, "Tonja." Listen." "I was wondering, do you have any dickies?" "'Cause I couldn't find them." "really?" "Perhaps we're all sold out." "SHE DEVIL:" "That's too bad." "Come on, Anton." "I saw a mock turtleneck at Eddie Bauer that's perfect for you." "SHE DEVIL:" "Thanks for all your help." "'Bye, Tonja." "[Sinister instrumental music]" "And action!" "I want you... to buy my new fried chicken, that is." "BOUTWELL:" "Sure enough." "I used to work for the Pentagon." "Now I help you to get your chicken on." "And for a limited time only, order an eight-piece Nappy Meal... and get a 32-ounce malt liquor, absolutely free." "[Singing] You be buying" "Yeah, yeah" "We be frying" "General's Chicken" "The best chicken in the 'hood!" "Yeah, yeah" "Legs, breasts and thighs" "Sweet potato pies" "General's Fried Chicken" "BOUTWELL:" "They're special!" "SINGERS:" "General's Fried Chicken" "It's butt kickin'!" "General's Fried, you know it tastes so good!" "ANNOUNCER:" "Introducing the Nappy Meal from GFC." "BOUTWELL:" "This chicken is the bomb." "[explosion sound]" "ANNOUNCER:" "At the General's, we do chicken right on!" "will you look at that?" "CHIEF:" "The general's lost his damn mind." "Making a fool out of himself over this crap!" "LANCE: [Singing] General's Fried Chicken It's butt kickin'!" "LANCE:" "What?" "It's catchy." "Reminds me of the Fresh Prince." "I Iike him." "He raps happy." "CHIEF:" "Excuse me, sir." "This is a restricted...." "Good God!" "Hiya, Chiefster." "Lance." "LANCE:" "Nice pants." "UB:" "Thank you." "Undercover Brother?" "What happened to you?" "He had sex with a white girl, that's what!" "Was it everything I dreamed of?" "She had pink nipples, didn't she?" "Big ones." "UB:" "It was good." "LANCE:" "well done." "CHIEF:" "Did the carpet match the drapes?" "SISTAH:" "Excuse me?" "CHIEF:" "No, man." "You can't be doing that." "CONSPIRACY:" "Wrong." "LANCE:" "No shame." "White girl or no white girl, where the hell have you been?" "Not there, that's where people who swear go." "Thank you very much." "SISTAH:" "You sound like a 1 4-year-oId white chick." "I don't think so, Sister girl." "It's Sistah girl, dude." "Maybe on planet Ebonics... but where I come from, we like to pronounce our "E's" and our "R's."" "Thank you very much." ""E's" and "R's"?" "Ebonics, huh?" "I be thinking that somebody in this room is selling out." "I say we kill him." "Shut the door, nigger." "It's gonna be all right, baby." "Don't look!" "I'm sorry, dog, but you need" "Buddy." "If I hadn't read that article in Vanity Fair on anger management..." "I'd put away this guava, mango, broccoli smoothie and put my foot in your patootie." ""Patootie"?" "Now maybe you guys don't like the new me." "But I don't give a gosh darn." "For all I care, you can all get the beejeebies out of here." "Now, if you'II excuse me, I must be going." "Frasier is on." ""Beejeebies"?" "He said he would stick his foot up my so-caIIed "patootie."" "CHIEF:" "Damn it." "I knew this could happen." "You can only keep an agent undercover for so long before he loses his identity." "hell, no man can resist Iow-interest loans and non-fat Iattes forever." "And white women." "LANCE:" "Let me get this straight." "Whenever a black guy does well... starts wearing Dockers, buys a few celine Dion records... and sleeps with a white chick, you say he's sold out?" "That's enough, Lance." "always trying to shut the white man down." "That's right!" "That's right!" "That ain't right." "SISTAH:" "What's the word, Smart Brother?" "I was able to decode the data from multinational Inc." "The General is under the influence of a psycho-hallucinogenic drug." "It's a mind-controI drug, sir." "Very powerful." "Very easy to use." "Good Lord." "With something like that, The Man could control every black person in America." "SMART:" "theoretically, yes." "But it wouId take years to administer the doses individually." "To be efficient... you'd need to develop a huge distribution system." "[Conspiracy Brother munching on chicken]" "ALL:" "The chicken!" "I hate to say it." "If Undercover Brother don't get his shit together... this may be one battle we might lose to The Man." "Smart Brother, am I going to die?" "[White version of contemporary RB song]" "Honey?" "Yeah?" "Is this michael bolton's version of that Thong Song?" "No, but I want that one." "I hear he got all the funk that Sisqo missed." "Do you Iike this?" "usually I'm not into the heavy stuff, but this is kind of catchy." "It is, isn't it?" "Yeah." "I made us some sandwiches." "Extra mayo for me, please." "SISTAH:" "Freeze, sucker!" "Put down the mayonnaise... slowly." "It's that coloured girl, Tonja." "[Smooth funk music]" "Now Buffy the black Man slayer, step away from the brother." "SHE DEVIL: 'Bye, brother." "SISTAH:" "Come on." "UB: 'Bye." "SISTAH:" "Move it." "Be careful." "Let's go." "Why?" "So you can tell me what a seII-out I am again?" "I don't judge people by how they dress, or what music they listen to." "But I remember a brother who wasn't afraid to be himself, who taught me to follow... my own funky path." "Stand up for what I think is right." "Remember this?" "SHE DEVIL:" "Ignore her, Anton." "I'm all the single, white female you'II ever need." "I want to, honey, really, I do." "Oh, damn." "I can't." "I must be true to myself." "Look at that white girl." "Are you crazy?" "The darker the berry, the sweeter the juice." "Corduroys are so comfortable." "Got to get funky." "Hey, Macarena!" "AII right!" "[Dramatic instrumental music]" "I can't throw this away." "Just like this medallion... this brother's here to stay." "What's up, Sistah girl?" "Look at you!" "What took you so long?" "You don't think the heels are too much?" "No, it's funktabuIous." "'Cause I was" "SHE DEVIL:" "hold it right there, Undercover Brother." "Drop it!" "This woman just can't ...." "I meant the gun." "[Rock music]" "That's White She devil." "The Man's secret weapon." "Sorry." "It's time... to platform out of here." "[Funk music]" "[Funk music stops]" "[Funk music starts then stops]" "UB:" "Damn duck shoes." "Looks like we're in hot water." "Or hot sauce." "[Funk music playing]" "UB:" "Come on." "Come on." "UB:" "Right there." "UB: 'NSYNC!" "Backstreet Boys!" "UB:" "Boyz II Men!" "UB:" "We really sing!" "elton John!" "billie Jean King!" "SISTAH:" "Come on." "Come on, White She devil." "I've been waiting." "Come on, baby!" "[White She devil grunts]" "[Sistah girl moans in pain]" "SISTAH:" "No, you didn't." "SHE DEVIL:" "Yes, I did." "[Cat meow]" "SHE DEVIL:" "Bitch!" "SISTAH:" "You know how much this shit cost?" "SHE DEVIL:" "How much did this shit cost, disco queen?" "AII of this." "How dare you?" "['70s funk music]" "Hey." "Now, look here." "[Sistah girl and White She devil yell]" "[Sistah girl and White She devil moan]" "Baby!" "Toast to the booty." "Booty toast." "ENFORCER:" "Here, here." "Wait." "Look at that." "The water cold!" "Water cold!" "Nothing like safe sex." "You know what I'm saying?" "Look at that." "Look at that, there." "SHE DEVIL:" "Bitch!" "SISTAH:" "You enjoy yourself?" "[Sinister instrumental music]" "[Gun shots]" "[climactic instrumental music]" "[Funk music begins]" "would you stop fooling around?" "I got to get my cool back!" "[Tyres screeching]" "Can you play something funky for a brother to drive to?" "[Funk music playing with tyres screeching]" "Drive!" "Drive this thing!" "Baby, it was made in the '70s!" "This ain't no Ferrari." "Damn." "Look out, baby." "You should have run her narrow arse over." "[Sinister instrumental music]" "UB:" "This has been some kind of jive game to get me out of the way?" "SHE DEVIL:" "That's right." "I was sent to destroy you... and everything the Brotherhood stands for." "[Gun shots]" "Damn it!" "FaIIing in love with you wasn't part of the plan." "SHE DEVIL:" "Undercover Brother, you're too much man for me." "Baby, sometimes I'm too much man for my own damn self." "THE MAN:" "Mr. Feather, a status report, please." "AII the pieces of Operation Whitewash are in place." "THE MAN:" "Good." "It's time to extend the reach to black leaders in sports, the arts... entertainment and business." "Soon all aspects of society will once again be dominated by The Man." "It's time to strike the final blow against the Brotherhood." "So when I return to the lair, Undercover Brother better be dead." "Are we clear?" "FEATHER:" "Good, sir." "With Undercover Brother dead, the Brotherhood had best step correct... or their next move will be their last." "THE MAN:" "Good-bye." "Can I ask you something?" "Did I just say they had best step correct?" "Yes, sir." "You did." "You see what's happening?" "See how we're being corrupted by their fashion... and their slang you can't help but use." "Don't be dissing me!" "No." "It's all that!" "You go, girl!" "I'm not" "What's the deaI-io?" ""Who let the dogs out?" "Who?"" ""What you talking about, willis?" You know what I'm saying?" "little by little, we're blending and merging until one day, we're all gonna... be one united people living and working and dancing together..." "like the news or Ally McBeal or the people that work at Saturn!" "We've got to stop it before it's too late!" "You heard The Man." "As of now, Operation Whitewash... goes global." "[Sinister instrumental music]" "CHIEF:" "Jay-Z is doing Lawrence Welk's Greatest Hits?" "John Singleton to remake Driving Miss Daisy?" "Terry McMillan?" "How stella Got Her White Man Back?" "double damn it!" "black people all over the world are losing their damn minds!" "Look, they've all been exposed to the general's fried chicken." "How's it coming with this antidote?" "I found one, Chief." "But it only works on one person at a time." "We have to stop this thing at the source." "CHIEF:" "Undercover Brother!" "You're back!" "[alarm sounding]" "Hi." "hell wrong with you, bringing a white girl in my house?" "She's working with us now, Chief." "SHE DEVIL:" "With my extensive and intimate knowledge of The Man's organisation..." "I can help you stop his evil plan." "Okay." "Smart Brother." "Take White She devil to the lab... and find out exactly what she knows." "You know, you're cute in a Theo HuxtabIe kind of way." "Oh really?" "usually I get AI Roker." "SMART: "Here's what's happening in your neck of the woods."" "Chief, various brother agents." "I owe all of you a huge apology." "I just watched this show..." "Roots?" "Maybe you've heard of it." "It taught me such a profound lesson about bigotry." "I have sat on the sidelines of race relations long enough." "I want to march down that field of oppression and kick that ball... of bigotry right over the goalpost of intolerance." "You talk a Iot of shit." "LANCE:" "Yes, I do." "But you down." "CONSPIRACY:" "What?" "Are you kidding?" "You're gonna let the white boy join just like that?" "I was in secret agent school for three years, man!" "I paid for them classes myself." "You made me!" "SMART:" "Chief?" "I performed a fuII-range spectral analysis on Miss White She devil's brainwaves." "SMART:" "Then I unlocked her subconscious using a special form of hypnosis." "Then I gently brushed her hair." "Then I reached deep within her tight little pockets... and I found a list of The Man's targets." "Good Lord." "They're going after James Brown... tomorrow at the Grammys!" "We need to stop him." "CHIEF:" "Find the general, give him the antidote!" "That's right!" "It's going to the streets!" "You all, it's revolution up in this bitch!" "Set the alarm!" "Defcon Five!" "It's on, baby." "It's on." "CHIEF:" "Good work." "SHE DEVIL:" "Thanks." "Oh, and you in, too." "What the fuck?" "Chief!" "I never seen that bitch in my secret agent classes!" "I'm still paying the loans off, man!" "I sleep on a pissy mattress!" "I ain't got good food to eat!" "I borrow money for my weed!" "I quit." "That's it." "You don't got Brother Jones to kick around anymore!" "Give me a pillowcase!" "I'm joining the klan." "UB:" "Brother, brother." "We all love your solo enthusiasm... but this is about working together." "I've been a solo star shooting the shots that I thought would win the game." "But in working with y'aII..." "I've come to realise that only a team wins a championship." "CHIEF:" "Teamwork." "That's right." "That's right." "CHIEF:" "That's right." "CONSPIRACY:" "I'm sorry, everybody." "CHIEF:" "Now, Iet's go!" "CONSPIRACY:" "Hurry!" "Come on, white girl!" "CODE NAME:" "BRAND NEW BAG" "MISSION:" "PROTECT JAMES BROWN 7:23 P.M." "[Audience appIauding and screaming]" "SISTAH:" "Best of luck tonight." "Have a great time." "We know The Man plans to make his move tonight." "[Over earpiece] Lance, we're counting on you." "Don't get distracted." "Be focused." "Stay close to the target at all times." "Roger." "will do." "Boo." "ANNOUNCER:" "Ladies and gentlemen, James Brown." "[James Brown song plays, fans screaming]" "How you doing?" "ANNOUNCER:" "James Brown." "JAMES BROWN:" "I want to see my fans." "LANCE:" "No." "Wait a minute." "What's going on?" "Perimeter search." "I'm on it." "What is that boy doing?" "JAMES BROWN:" "What's going on here?" "FEATHER:" "Jimmy." "What?" "Now I feel good." "God, man!" "SISTAH:" "Lance!" "ANNOUNCER:" "The hardest working man in show business." "LANCE:" "I got it." "ANNOUNCER:" "Thank you..." "James Brown." "LANCE:" "No!" "please!" "I just got promoted!" "[Ominous instrumental music]" "FEATHER: [Warped] hello, Mr. James Brown." "[Warped] hello, Mr. James Brown." "[Screams]" "Good God!" "FEATHER:" "You'll soon be drugged, making you agreeable...." "[Warped] You will sign over the publishing rights to your songs to...." "SMART:" "The signal stopped." "It's James Brown touchdown!" "That's James Brown?" "No, that's mustard." "I can't believe I let him get away." "I'm so stupid." "You got to stop beating yourself up." "Got to work together as a team, okay?" "Yeah, man." "Let the team do it." "[Conspiracy Brother shrieks]" "I'm playing with him!" "Stop playing." "AII right!" "Damn." "You need to lighten up." "Know what I mean?" "Be careful, because you smoke too much, it's gonna have you all paranoid." "It takes time to build up a tolerance like mine." "Did you hear that?" "CONSPIRACY:" "Hey, you all, you hear something?" "Quiet!" "There it goes again." "[Sinister instrumental music]" "[Horn sounding]" "GUARD 1 :" "Incoming vehicle!" "Move it." "Don't you move!" "Don't you move!" "Identify yourself!" "I'm with island Fortress cleaning Service, sir." "Oh, okay." "Thank you." "You're so sweet." "GUARD 2:" "It's just the janitors." "Let them through!" "[Reggae-esque instrumental music]" "[Coughs]" "SMART:" "Lance!" "So Mr. Godfather of soul." "Life as you've known it will soon cease to exist." "[plastic glove snaps]" "Sorry." "Any final requests?" ""Say it loud!" "[James Brown back-up music starts]" ""Say it loud!"" "ELIAS:" "What's he doing?" "JAMES BROWN: "Say it loud!" ""Say it loud!" ""Say it loud!" ""I'm black and I'm proud."" "[Music stops]" "JAMES BROWN:" "Hey, man?" "I want to get up and do my thing, now." "[James Brown back-up music starts]" "I feel good." "It's time for the big payback." "FEATHER:" "Very clever, Mr. Undercover Brother." "SISTAH:" "Can you dig it?" "Everything we'II need to take it to The Man." "Hey, this isn't Taco bell." "Can you find out where the general is?" "Just give me ten minutes." "[alarm sounding]" "CONSPIRACY:" "Shit!" "SISTAH:" "You've got one." "ELIAS:" "Intruders!" "The Brotherhood has breached the communications room!" "Everything's a party here with you guys, isn't it?" "ELIAS:" "That's not all." "The Man is on his way here." "FEATHER:" "What?" "Right now?" "His helicopter will be here in five minutes." "would you take care of the nuisance in the communications room?" "ELIAS:" "Yes, sir!" "Come on, Iet's go!" "GUARD:" "Yes, sir, right away." "What have you done with the general?" "general, could you come in here, please?" "general, if it's not too much of a bother, would you mind terribly killing this man?" "Thank you." "So I can always have something to remember you by." "CONSPIRACY:" "Come on, hurry up!" "I wouldn't move if I were you!" "Damn." "Oh, shit." "Get off of me." "Sorry." "excellent work, White She devil." "ELIAS:" "Come here, baby." "Damn, that girl gets around!" "How can you do this to me?" "Once you've had Undercover Brother, there is no other." "No, it's, "Once you go black, you don't go back."" "[Indistinct banging noise]" "It's the honky patrol." "Let me do this." "CONSPIRACY:" "Look who got the gun." "Yeah." "What's up?" "Hi." "Shut up." "What?" "I said shut up, whitey!" "I got the power!" "[Smooth funk music]" "Keep working." "This is a girl thing." "Break dance." "Break what?" "I said break dance!" "Come on." "Take it." "CONSPIRACY:" "That's right." "That's good." "Come on." "Kid 'n' play!" "Kid and who?" "CONSPIRACY:" "That's right." "Getting funky." "Oh, yeah." "I Iike black people." "Fight." "Watch yourself." "Show them what you're working with!" "White She devil, represent!" "ALL:" "Oh!" "SISTAH:" "Yeah!" "I got him!" "SMART:" "Vector Four, Section Seven." "UB:" "Come on, general, you got to give me that gun." "FEATHER:" "Nonsense, general, kill him!" "[Making gunshot noises]" "Undercover Brother, are you okay?" "Everything's cool, now that you're here, Sistah girl." "Y'aII gonna make me lose my mind up in here!" "See what I've been dealing with?" "Yeah." "SMART:" "Situation complete." "We'II see you soon, Chief." "CONSPIRACY:" "Atomic core." "See what this so-caIIed button does." "[alarm sounding]" "COMPUTERISED VOICE:" "Attention." "Atomic core set to overload." "My bad." "SISTAH:" "Here, general, take the antidote." "What happened?" "[alarm sounding]" "Damn!" "You guys get the general out of here." "I'm going after The Man." "Let's get while the getting's good." "There'II be another day to fight The Man." "We can't give The Man another day!" "But Sistah girl's right." "We got to get the hell out of here, man." "We're all gonna die!" "Dig it!" "Dig it hard!" "Daddy." "UB:" "There's times for failing apart, there's times for getting funky." "This is one of those funky times." "So, what's it gonna be?" "You ready to play some funky music, white boy?" "['70s funk music]" "solid." "UB:" "Lay down the boogie." "It's time to take it to The Man." "I guess this means you and I are like brothers now?" "I feel black." "But you look white!" "Don't touch me!" "Sorry." "SISTAH:" "Come on, general, Iet's go." "Let's get out of here." "Come on!" "Come on, nigger." "COMPUTERISED VOICE:" "Atomic core overload in five minutes." "Please exit in an orderly fashion." "Stop him." "[Dramatic instrumental music]" "[Karate-yeII]" "UB:" "Earth, Wind, and Fire!" "UB:" "ShaquiIIe O'NeaI!" "Sisqo!" "No!" "[Screams]" "Just bought those." "Sorry about that." "[suspenseful instrumental music]" "It's all over, man." "[Western movie showdown music]" "You want some drama?" "Then bring it!" "Protect the general at all costs." "COMPUTERISED VOICE:" "Atomic core overload in three minutes." "Let me talk to them." "I'm white." "We don't want any trouble." "What are you gonna do about it, sissy?" "I am not a sissy!" "['70s funk music begins]" "[growls] Come on." "He shouldn't have called me a sissy." "CONSPIRACY:" "Not bad, whitey, but if it was me, I'd have ripped the spine out his arse!" "Let's go, we got less than a minute before this place blows!" "Come on!" "['80s RB song]" "CONSPIRACY:" "It's gonna blow!" "Come on!" "CHIEF:" "general!" "Are you all right?" "BOUTWELL:" "Yes." "There he is, Undercover Brother!" "He's only got a few seconds." "[Music stops]" "Oops." "[Dark instrumental music]" "You mess with the Afro, you got to go." "UB:" "Yes!" "[Shrieks in pain]" "[Feather yells]" "Sucker!" "I believe this belongs to me." "FEATHER:" "So long, Undercover Brother!" "THE MAN:" "He has failed me." "Leave him." "Hey!" "Don't be dissing me!" "FEATHER:" "Hey, Iet me in!" "Let me up." "[Screams]" "THE MAN:" "Feather went out like a sucker." "Punk-arse bitch played himself." "Let's bounce, dog." "[Adventurous instrumental music]" "No!" "He doesn't have his parachute!" "['70s funk music begins]" "[Everyone cheering]" "Undercover Brother, you the baddest." "Didn't I blow your mind this time?" "Didn't I?" "Didn't you cause about a bazillion dollars worth of damage?" "And I sure as hell ain't covering for you!" "I don't give a damn how sexy you look floating down in your little pants!" "And as for the rest of you...." "I just want to say how very proud I am of all of you." "[sentimental music]" "Undercover Brother, the world is safe once again, thanks to you." "Oh, no thanks to me, Chief." "I couldn't have done it without Sistah girl." "You know what they say:" ""Behind every great black man--"" "Is the police." "UB:" "No." "SMART:" "A bunch of slow, white athletes?" "UB:" "No." "SHE DEVIL:" "A cute butt?" "UB:" "No." "LANCE:" "probable cause?" "UB:" "No!" "A strong black woman." "UB:" "Strong black woman." "SHE DEVIL:" "Right." "It would've been cool to have a Latino, a Native American, Asian... even a Jewish guy in the mix." "The point is, by working together as one, we got the job done." "No doubt, that's what the Brotherhood is all about." "solid." "[Funk music]" "CONSPIRACY:" "Oh, look out, y'aII." "FaIIing rocks!" "Shotgun!" "NARRATOR:" "Having stopped Operation Whitewash... the Brotherhood distributed an antidote to the mind-control drug... to black people, nationwide." "And though The Man escaped, the Brotherhood had found their hero." "Thanks to Undercover Brother, the world was once again a funky place." "['70s funk music]" "[Rapping to '70s funk song]" "[Different '70s funk song]" "[RB song]" "[Romantic disco song]" "[Knocking on door]" "Damn!" "Who is that?" "hold that thought and that feeling, baby." "Just let it percolate." "I'II be right back." "SISTAH:" "Hurry up, baby." "Hi." "White She devil, what you doing here?" "SHE DEVIL:" "Remember?" "You told me to come over." "And me and you and Sistah girl could make Oreos." "Sweet and black on both sides, with a dreamy white filling in the middle." "Then I realised, you can't make Oreos." "So I bought some." "Some people got jungle fever." "She got the flu." "You know." "SHE DEVIL:" "UB?" "['70s funk song]" "UB:" "Solid."