"Previously on Studio 60 - ...and he's not the only one I'm taking with me." "Who else?" "Everybody." "Yeah?" " You get Lucy and the new guy." " Darius." "Yeah." "Listen to me." "You're very winning." "Not to me, but to everyone else." "Go ahead and control your own press." " Danny." " Yeah?" "I wouldn't get too many eggs in Jordan's basket." "I don't think she's gonna make through this any more." "We'll staff back up." "Till we do, it's gonna be you and two freshman writers." "That's two writers more than I had before." "It's gonna be fine." "B-12" "With musical guest" " Corinne Bailey Rae." "Ladies and gentlemen" " Howie Mandel!" "Thank you thanks a lot, thank you very much!" "Please, settle down." "Thank you, thank you very much!" "It's great to be here, hosting "Studio 60"." "Now you may know, I've been hosting my own show " ""Deal or No Deal"" "Thanks!" "Great show, great job but I'm looking forward to leaving that behind for a night and getting back to my roots - live comedy." "The producers said I can do anything I want in the monologue, so I thought I'd do a little of my..." "Howie!" "Yeah?" "This is, uh, Danny Tripp, the executive producer." "Howie, so far the monologue is going well, you've been greeted warmly by the audience you've hit your camera mark, you've dropped in a plug for your show." "I see what we're doing - it's a parody of my show." "You can take your chances by continueing the monologue and choosing your next joke from one of the two briefcases or you can walk backstage and get ready for your first sketch." "Yeah, you know, I was hoping to do something different tonight, and..." "Uh, call from the bank." "Mhm mhm" "mhm..." "Listen..." "Mhm..." "Okay!" "yeah uhu" "right..." "I don't stay on the phone that long." "Uh, uh..." "Alright!" "You're not even talking to a bank!" "That's your announcer, Herb Shelton." "Mhm" "mhm, right..." " You alright?" " Yeah!" " You dizzy?" " No more than usual." " Hm..." " I'm fine!" "Let's play ball!" "You're sweating." "I was hot doing the opening." "Come here." "I'm alright!" "There a reporter here doing the story for [?" "], she's allowed backstage." "Yeah." "One-o-one point seven " "Yeah." "losen your pants." "Awh!" "Fine, okay, I'll take briefcase number one." "Open the case." "Corinne Bailey Rae is here." "Stick around...we'll be right back." "Go music!" "We're out!" "Ah!" "I'm here." "Now, let me explain something." "The green room is where second cousins go, agents, the girls with the band." "VIPs got the the NBS box." "And when Hanks and Springsteen come by, they can watch the show in Matt's office, or down on the floor with me." "Reporters who write dumb stories about friends of mine, watch the show at the in-and-out burger down the street." "And that is you, sister!" "What a bummer for you" " I've got a press pass." "The hell is the matter with you?" "You don't like my column on Tuesday, it's okay to say so." "I don't like your column on Tuesday." "Two minutes." " Thanks." " I was gonna watch the show with the writers tonight." "Where are they?" "The in-and-out burger down the street." "What do you mean?" "Ricky and Ron left the show to do Peripheral Vision Man at Fox and they took most of the staff with them." "Stuff happend when I was gone!" "Stuff happend." "Hey!" "Your pretty wet!" "Is that right!" "You've had a hard time getting here?" "The San Gabriel Mountains are falling into the Beverly Hills." "And the prayers of a greatful nation are answered." "I didn't dream it, right?" "The writing staff quitting on Friday?" "Most of them, yeah." "Okay." "And Maisie, too." " Really?" " It was a loyalty thing." "We'll find you someone else." "Anything funny happend over the weekend?" "A guy in a Chigago suburb walked into a T-Mobile store and demanded at gun point that a clerk add five hundred minutes to his account." "Wouldn't it have been pretty easy for the police to track him down?" "There were at his house when he got home." "I'll be in my office." "Uh, Martha O'Dell comes back at the end of the week and the health office says there is virus running around." "Is it gonna be a good show tonigh?" "Yes!" "Then why don't I just sit here next to you, keep you company and laugh alone with America." "I don't have a place for you to sit tonight." "Here you go, Miss O'Dell." "Thanks, Billy." "Thanks, Billy." "Fifteen." "Back fifteen." "Danny." "You look good in your new clothes!" "What happend?" "Real life." "In three, two..." "Synch :" "Nuwanda Transcript : henrypijames" "Ladies there are four of you but I have but three roses." "As you know" "I am an Italien prince though this is my first time in Italy." "I've spent my youth in Union, New Jersey." "Stand by, stand by camera two..." " I speak menu Italien, ..." " And go!" "say" " English." "But the trappings of royalty has not brought me true love so I seek it here - in prime time." "in prime time." "Chain we share so many interests - early Roman fresco and professional hockey." "Go Devils!" "Go Devils!" "But Chain here in my ancestral home you already did me under the pergola by the basilica, and so it's time to move on." "I understand, your Highness." "Antolopia" "I find myself strangely attracted to you." "Here, here, keep it over here" "When you spoke of your rich spring field..." "Listen, it's on the news." "The guy killed his family, and then himself." "No!" "Yeah, he did it in the wrong order." "Yuh!" "So they're cutting the hostage sketch and they'll let us know by the end of the first half hour what to fill in with." "Then this is a good week for there not to be a writing staff." "Yeah." "You guys are pretty far away." "Anybody want to go around the room?" "Relax, okay, we're gonna do fine." "I've a lot of faith in the two of you." " Thank you." " Thanks." "I'm sorry?" " Pardon?" " I didn't - hear you." "I said, "thank you."" "Me too." "You're welcome." " I'm sorry?" " You're welcome." "Danny told me about a story in Saturday's paper." "A guy walked into a T-Mobil store with a gun and demanded they give them additional five hundered minutes." "Of course he was pretty easy to trace, cause they had his cell phone account." "You guys want to take a wack at writing a sketch about an incredibly bad criminal?" " Sure." " Sure." "I'm sorry?" " Sure." " Sure." "Right, great!" "I'm right upstairs when you need me." "We're gonna be great!" "How's it going?" "Good, good, good, good, good." " Yeah?" " Absolutely." " Good." " No." " Yeah." " We need a little help." " Yeah." " Remember Andy McCanoth?" "Yeah - no - yeah, he was a - very serious guy." "I thought he was talented." "Ricky and Ron let him off?" "Even more prove." "Is he funny?" "I think so." "Cause I remember him being very serious." "Serious about comedy!" "What's he doing now?" "Well, just an experimental thing at a little theater in Pasadena." "It was a translation of "Look Back in Anger"." ""Look Back in Anger" was written in English." "Yeah, he translated it into Dutch." " Why?" " I don't know, just as an exercise." "And it was funny?" "Well, I didn't see it, but I bet it was." "Yeah, cause "Look Back in Anger" is irresistibly funny to begin with and I would think the comic rat-a-tat-tat Osborne's play must soar even higher in Dutch." "Yeah" "In Pasadena." "Couple of years ago his wife and his two year old daughter were killed in a car accident." "No!" "Yeah." "Andy's wife and daughter were killed?" "Yeah." " When?" " Couple years ago." "Why didn't you tell me?" " I don't know." "I heard, and I didn't tell you." " I would've called him." "You didn't even remember him." "Well, I remembered he was serious." "I'd imagine he's more serious now." "Thought I'd... ask him to come in." "It's up to you." "Maybe just for the week, until we get staffed up again." "You think he can help?" "If he can't, at least it'll be a mitzwah." "A what?" "A mitzvah - a nice thing to do." "It'll be good luck." "We out!" "Danny?" "Can you hear me?" "Just stay right there." " I'm alright." " Don't get up yet, I think you fainted." " Can you hear me?" " I can hear everybody, let's go." "Ninety seconds." "Don't get up." "I think I gotta strike the set." "Don't get up, Dylan." "I'm standing." "I'm fine." "I gotta make a change." "Hey, guys, guys, give him a hand." "What does he have?" "Eight twenty." "You got eight twenty." "You got all the time in the world." "Yeah, I'm fine." "I hear ya." "Okay." "This thing is gonna kill us all." "Oh thanks, sunshine." "And could those lights possibly be any hotter?" "No, this is as hot as they get." "Sixty seconds." "On the couch." "He's got eight twenty." "I'm fine." "I gotta change." " You've got time." " Thank You." " Put this around your neck." " Ah, Thanks." "You're hot." " About time you noticed." " Don't flirt with me, rook." "Drink this, baby." "Thanks." "And not be insensitive, but you fainted in drag." "We're probably not gonna let you forget that soon." "You're gonna get a shot." "I'm not great with needles." "I'll tell you my joke - to distract you." "Is he not suffering enough?" "Hey!" "I just need to practice it." "Hi." "A Jewish guy calls his mother, okay?" "With his mouth full..." "The Jewish guy dosn't have his mouth..." "The mother had her mouth full..." "Nobody has her mouth full." "Damn!" "No, here it is." "Do it." "Tom!" "You need more trajectory." "Do it." "[?" "] dinner!" "Beautiful." "Do me again!" "What the hell was that?" "!" " An air horn." " Why is an air horn lying around here?" "Maybe it's just for such an occasion." "I'm better than all of you, and the proof is, I got into the American Falstaff Society." "I'm already in." "Alright." " Then I'm better than the three of you." " Amen." "Better" " I barely knew it." "Matt?" "Yeah." "I got into the Falstaff Society." "Hey, great!" "Are you the first woman?" "I'm the eleventh woman." "Cool." "I am the first woman in the Great Lake region." " You're quite a pioneer!" " I am!" "I'm being inducted Saturday night, I need to tell a joke." " What kind of joke." " A joke joke." "Henny Youngman - set it up, knock it down." "A Jewish guy calls his mother and says, "Mom, how are you?" And the mother says, "Terrible, I haven't eaten in thirty-eight days." "And he says, "Why haven't you eaten in thirty-eight days?"" "And the mother says, "I didn't want my mouth full in case you should call."" "Alright." "A Jewish guy has his mouth full." " What?" " Wait." "A Jewish guy calls his mother." "He hasn't eaten in thirty-eight days." "The mother hasn't eaten in thirty-eight days." "The mother hasn't eaten in thirty-eight days." "No, the guy says, "How are you, Mom?" And the mother says " ""I haven't eaten in thirty-eight days."" " Right." " Yes." "And the son says" ""Why haven't you eaten in thirty-eight days?"" ""Because my mouth is full." - "I didn't want my mouth to be full." Let me start from the beginning!" "What the hell is the matter with you?" "Don't pressure me!" "Tell me it again." "Hang on." "I've seen this syndrom before." "Do me a favor." "A guy walks into a doctor's office with a duck on his head." "The doctor says, "What can I do for you?" The duck says, "Doc, would you get this guy off my ass?"" "A guy and a duck walk into a doctor's office..." "Yeah, you can't tell a joke." " I can too!" " No, you can't." "Like a young child, you hear a joke, get it, then can't reconstruct the moving part." "That's not true." "Danny, Harriet can't tell a joke!" " I can!" " Watch this..." "Hang on." " What's going on?" " The FBI surrounded a house in Grosse Point." "A guy is in there with his wife, three kids and a gun." "There is no way this ends well." "Stand by." "Ladies and gentlemen, Corinne Bailey Rae." "And go camera two!" " Yeah." " Yeah." "Could I get a large half peperoni half sausage?" "Well the problem is, when you were little, your parents told you you were funny, you didn't realize they were just trying to be nice." "Give me something to fill with, now!" "There is a complicated procedure Cal needs to go through in the booth." "We put the new sketch at the end and back everything up one." "That's right." "Yeah, he's gonna need NORAD for that." "Do you have anything?" "Ah, there is really nothing we've cut from dress I'd wanna put back." "I think we're gonna need to go with something we don't like." "And that's the difference between me and you." "I don't give up." "Okay." "I'm a do-er." " I know." " I'm Ameri-can, not a Ameri-can't." "Are you - are you chewing gum?" "Do you know what that sounds like over the phone?" "I'm chewing nicotin gum, Misses Cleaver, which I'm now addicted to." "Well, spit it out." "Hey, did I tell you I went to the hair and makeup Monday and half the cast was standing around doing " "Hey, here we go!" "Spit-take theater." "Five people, we use the living room set from the hostage sketch, and wardrobe puts everybody in Armani, and you know " "And everybody just spit things." "Yeah..." "Let me get Lucy and Darius involved, they may have a sketch on after all." "I can have it on cards by News 60." "I can tell Cal?" " Yeah." " Alright, go." "Have you let Martha have it for her column?" "Huh?" "You said you were gonna let Martha have it and I wanted to see that." "Well I banished her from the floor." "She's right there on the floor next to you." "Well, she has full access." "She's waiving at me right now." "I know." "Almost seems like she's mocking you." "Hey, drama boy, go write four and a half pages about people spitting at each other, would you?" "You think you may have been a little hard on Martha?" "Go!" "I'm gonna kill this woman" "Who's that?" "Martha O'Dell" "I thought you two are becoming friends." "First of all, she's calling Tom's movie "a failure"." "She reviewed a movie?" "She's relating it to Washington, but she's calling it "a failure" cause it only make nine millions last weekend." "Get an umbrella!" "Who thought it would rain this long?" "The ground around here can't hold this much water!" "And now desert animals are starting to come to my house - snakes and worms." "Read Martha's column today?" "Yaks are walking into my house." "She uses a post on a website as a source." "I'll let her have it." " I wouldn't" " Why not?" " I'm scared of her." " I'm not." "Okay." "Andy!" "It's good to see you." " How are you?" " Good." "You remember Danny?" " Of course." " Good to see you." "Thanks for helping us out." "I don't think I'll be able to do that, but - whatever." "Okay, that's the spirit." "I'll be in my office." "There're just two of them." "I'm not expecting anything, so there's no pressure." "I'll be doing a lion's share of the writing this week, I just want to put some experience into the room." "Lucy Kenwright, Darius Harthone, this is Andy MacCanoth." "They're working on a sketch about a bad criminal, why don't you guys talk about..." "How many sketches have you had on?" "Me?" "How many sketches have you had on the air?" "I haven't - none." "How about you?" "I was just hired last week." "They're fresh." "Is there anything new?" "Yeah, the FBI..." "I was asking them." "Sure, establishing a special bond." "Great!" "Blond girl." "The guy put his five year old on the phone because the FBI needed insurances that everyone was okay." "And, you?" "The girl said she was okay, but her father was keeping her sisters in a seperate room." "Why don't we start by..." "Why don't we start by sitting a little closer to each other?" "You can see there, the police has secured..." "It's been more than twenty-four hours now." "Twenty-seven hours." "You love this one." "The news loves rich people gone mad." "By thursday his property will double in size." "Let's sit down." ""The Beat"?" "We're waiting on Terry's rewrite." "Should be when?" "Monday." "Are we anywhere on casting?" "We're out and waiting." " "Gina"?" " Kerry." "The show, "Gina"?" "I've read it and it needs work." "How much?" "Page one." "Why do we buy it?" "It was an overall." ""Cross Country"?" "Casting's got a good list." "Casting's got a wish list." "When Spencer Tracy passes on, I want to know who they're going to next." "Jeff, "Ginnie" can be a good verhicle for somebody, it can be a race car." ""Race car" is a palindrom." "I'm sorry?" "It's a palindrom. "Race car" spelled backwards is "race car"." "Why is "Lunch Pill" still on here?" "Guys, I passed on this." "Jack wanted us to make a bid." "Yeah?" " Jordan..." " Okay, that's it." "We'll meet again this afternoon." "Kerry, stick around." "How did he know about it?" "I'm sorry to go over your head." "It's just that I felt strongly about it." "You should have expressed that to me." "I apologize." "Alright, don't worry about it." "Alright." " Hang on." " Jack..." "This thing is going around, and I'm not gonna get it." "First of all, when I pass on something, don't put it back on development." "Second of all, "Lunch Pill" sucks out loud." " Hang on." " And finally..." "Danny Tripp told me what you two talked about on the plane last week." "What do you mean?" ""What do you mean?"" "Flawless impersonation." "You told him you thought I was gonna get fired." " I do think you're gonna get fired." " On what grounds?" "On the grounds that there's a growing puclib perception you're a twit." "I believe that perception exists only inside this building and possibly only inside this office." "It exists inside Newsweek, too, Jay Mac!" "Did you read it?" "Yes." "The way you sit in a chair in a meeting is "kittnish"." "You toss your hair back, you speak in a wispy voice - "girlish"." "I was surprise by how many time the woman's editor let her get away with "ish"." "But you know what she's saying." "That the cheerleaders didn't want to sit next to her at lunch in highschool?" "I'm a network executive, not Paris Hilton." "What does it matter?" "You are." " What?" " Paris Hilton." "You got made into Paris Hilton." "The press decided they needed a new one and you're good casting." "When people tune in to the new fall schedule, they're not gonna care whether I'm Paris Hilton or..." "I hear that but right now your constituency is the TMG board." "Three board memebers, by the way, are on my phone sheet right now, and they all wanna talk about Newsweek, "Crazy Christians", the sex clubs, and they gonna wanna know why you're not lifting a finger to stop it" "despite the fact that Shelly and I have begged you to." "Becuase I don't own the people who read the National Inquirer an explaination." "How about your board of directors?" "Is there anything else?" "I'll have Shelly set something up - one interview!" "Newsweek?" "Screw Newsweek." "I" " I wouldn't wanna sit in my chair the wrong way." "Time Magazine." "Atta boy." "I'm on page two and" " I don't know what the sketch is about." "It's about a hopeless criminal in a hostage situation." "Well, you're gonna have to explain it to the audience just like that because I'm on page two and I don't know what the sketch is about." "Buy the premise - by the bit." "You can't do joke until you've stated the premise." "However once we've stated the premise the rest will be funny." "You don't want to use me as a test for that." "Why not?" "I don't find anything funny." "We've been working on one sketch for five days, we've done thirteen passes." "Have a good feeling about the fourteenth." "Excuse me?" "Hello!" "They said you wanted to see me." "Yeah, listen." "Uh, Maisie left with Ron and Ricky." "Are you interested in being Matt's assistant?" "Me?" "Yeah, you get a nice raise." "I don't need a raise." "Okay." "I'll take the raise." "Come on." "Keep his appointments, keep his phone sheet, and most importantly, you keep people out." "Everybody wants ten minutes, you're the gatekeeper." "How do I know who to let in?" "You'll learn." "Did you read Martha O'Dell's column on Tuesday?" "Yes." "Do you agree it's terrible that she sourced an anonymous web post to support her point?" "I liked the piece." "Never disagree with me." "It made me sick." "Alright." "Speaking of sick." "You and Matt need to get shots, I'll set it up." " Veronica!" " Yeah." "Took a lot of convincing, but Suzanne's agreed to be your assistant." "Yeah?" " If you'll take me." " I'll take the hell outta you." "Is there a way you'd like me to dress?" "Sure, but I have to wake up for school, now." "Tell Caren to draw you two-hundred dollar from peddy cash and buy some nice work clothes." "Two hundred dollars?" "It's on us." " Am I working for Matt in 1963?" " How much do you need?" "I've got some stuff in my closet." "You both need B-12 shots from the nurse." "I've had mine and Danny can't have one." "Why not?" "Memo said you can't have the shot if you're pregnant." "Yeah." "Seriously, it can be dangerous if you're pregnant." "I'm not pregnant." "Have you checked?" "You're been pretty hormonal." " It's Testosterone." " It's Estrogen." "Suzanne, why don't you get Danny one of those little kits - you probably keep a bunch in your car." "He's trying to get a rift going." "Don't feed the fire and it will go out." "One more thing." "What?" "You can't get that shot if you're pregnant." "You know Chevy Chase woke up one day, and he just wasn't funny any more." "Thanks, Suzanne." "Hey, come on in." "Fatigue said they've established communication with the guy." "He's trying to negatiate in there." "Optimistic." "That's good." "How's it going down there." "Fine." "I'm gonna go home." "For the day?" "Forever." "Oh, they're talented people, they're just inexperienced, and they need a teacher the way you and I had Wes." "Matt, when you walked me into the room on Tuesday, you said the following things to me:" ""There's no pressure." "I'm gonna write most of the show." "There is no pressure." "They don't have to do anything." "There's no pressure."" "It's true." "They know that." "They're trying, but they know they're not getting anything on the air." "Lesson one is they gotta live and die on Friday night." "They gotta feel like success in a three minute sketch is the same thing as love and they gotta feel failure like it's grim death." "They gotta be every bit as damaged as you are." "That's a lot to shoot for, Andy." "It is." "I try to yell at them as often as I can." "That's a good start but it's not good enough." " What do you think you should do?" " Toss them in the river." "Oh, Andy, if the union would let me drown them, don't you think I'd have done that already?" "Give their sketch a spot at the dress tonight." "Let them hear what three-hundred people not laughing sounds like." "Alright." "Are you still holding Tuesday's paper?" "I can't allow this to go unprotested." " Martha's column?" " Yes." "Is there any chance you're making too big a deal out of it?" "No." "You're ushering in the end of the world." "I don't think I am." "You torn its ticket, you handed it the program, you're showing the end of the world to its seat." "Because I didn't like the movie?" "I didn't like it ether, but you called it "a failure"" "and your bases was, that it only grossed nine million at the domestic box." "It was a commercial failure." "What do you care?" "What does anybody care except the studio or the exhibitor?" "Why are budgets and grosses printed in your paper like they're sport scores?" "We cover business." "It doesn't get printed in the business section, it gets printed in the art section." "In this particular case, it was printed in my column, which is in the op-ed section." "And I was using the lack of commercial success to make my point." "That wasn't the only thing you were using to make your point." "You kept the newspaper!" ""Dilbert27 writes, 'Its failure is no suprise." "It's typical high-minded inde-film clap-drap to make us care about some hayseed suffering from lime disease.'"" "So go yell at Dilbert27..." "I can't!" "I don't know who Dilber27 is - neither do you." "You're sourcing an anonymous web post to support your point?" "Two time Pulitzer price winning columnist for the New York Fricking Times?" "Yeah, at first I" " I wasn't sure, but now that I know Dilbert27 agrees with her" " Are you kidding me?" "Your fly is open." "Made you look." "I'm right, she's wrong, and I'm gonna make her cry like a girl." "Okay, but she's writing a story about our show." "So you know - maybe not." " This is more important." " What's more important?" "Me being right." "Okay, here it is." "Nobody knows how to operate an umbrella?" "A guy calls his mother..." "Oh god!" "The guy says, "How are you, Mom?"" "Damn!" "MATT Yeah." " The guy's Jewish!" " Yeah." "Alright." "A guy calls his mother" " He's Jewish." " Can't tell a joke?" "A Jewish guy calls his mother on the phone." "Its like watching a drunken man cross an icy Street." "Go dry yourself." "Yeah, okay." "The rain's turned traffic up side down the PCA's just been closed since Monday, and - getting through the canyon is just an adventure." "Excuse me." "Bill Chewsky." "You ready?" "You can settle in first." "No, Bill, let's do it to it." "Okay!" "Ten questions for Jordan McDeere." "They tell me you've been reluctant to speak on your own behalf." "Yes." "Why?" "You know how you win a three card Monte?" " How?" " Get someone to play." "Does it anger you when people say you're just a pretty face?" "I always forgive my enemies - nothing annoys me nearly as much." "Haha." "Speaking of enemies." "At your press conference you left somewhat the impression that you regard the Christian right an enemy to be either - beaten or ignored." "Is that accurate?" "No, beaten and then ignored." "And now, the serious answer." "I admire poeple with faith - all faiths." "That's not hard for me to do cause I went to Catholic school K through twelve and - nobody's more nuts than we are." "Did you buy a pilot script called "Nations"?" "I did more than that." "I made a full series commitment." "It's a one hour drama about the UN." "How wide do you imagine its appeal will be?" "Hundred-ninety-one countries belong to it, but" "I can see how we'd have problems syndicating to Taiwan and Vantican City." "Again - the serious answer." "The Peer Research Center says the two most vile professions in America are - in the order - laywers and doctors." "Hasn't stopped shows about lawyers and doctors." "I'm sure you weren't happy to learn that your ex-husband is publishing a book." "He makes claims in it about your lifestyle when you two were together." "You want to respond to that?" "Only to say that we had a lifestyle when we were together and I - regret both of those things very deeply." "What did your husband do when you met him?" "He dealt three card Monte." "I can tell you enjoy giving humorous answers - and it's disarming." "But some people wonder if you're aware of the serious jeopardy you're in." "Yeah?" "Yes." "What people would that be?" "You mean specificly?" "Yes." "Why don't we move on to the next question?" "I wanna stay with this one." "There is talk among people in the industry." "It has been reported..." "The "talk among people in the industry" - and that was absolutely penetrating specificity - hasn't been reported - it's been created, the way it just was a moment ago." "A story need conflict, that's understandable - except reporters aren't supposed to be storytellers." "Stop trying to entertain me." "You don't like the press." "I think that was ten questions." "By "the press" you're talking about a lot of people." "Let me be specific" " I don't like you..." "Okay!" "I don't think you've spoken to a single person who's unhappy with my job performance." "I think you're reporting on what you and the guy in the cubicle next to you were talking about at lunch." "And that makes you a hairdresser and a cockfight promoter." "Okay." "Thank you." "Thank you!" "Thank you, Bill." "Great dress!" "Great dress rehersal everybody, thank you very much!" "Great dress!" "Yeah, that's what tanking is like." "That was unbearable." "Wasn't it, though?" "Was that really only three and a half minutes?" "No it ran short cause no one had to hold for laughs." "It wasn't wasted time though, cause you gave people a chance to - think about their lives, and - where they're parked their cars." " Let's get outta here." " No." "Stand right there another minute." "Why?" "The metaphor." "There you go!" "Alright, come on." "Here's want you want to do " "What?" "Drink." "You did this on purpose, didn't you." " I did." " I'm trying it again." " You're gonna try and write another sketch?" " I'm writing this sketch." "Yes." "Usually it's that twenty-third pass where you have a breakthrough." "Hey!" "You can stand there or you can help us." "But either way..." "You know?" "You really laid me low with that one!" "What if we just simplify the whole thing?" "That's exactly what I was thinking." "I just sit in the dark and weep." "Buy the premise - buy the bit." "The worst criminal in the world taking hostages in a bank." "Let's throw out everything that isn't that." "We're gonna need a nurse over here." " She's coming" " Jeannie and Tom are not gonna make it." "They'll be fine." "They look like they've got something you can only catch in Africa." "D'you get a shot?" "Somebody had mine" "It's a miracle drug." "B-12?" "Yeah, gets everybody through the show." "Energy, stamina, improved immune system." "Margaret Thatcher used to get one very day." " Did you get one?" " No." "Is it cause you're pregnant?" "You can try that callback as many times as you want, it's still not gonna be as funny as you want." "Speaking of not funny." "We'll lose "Metric Conversion", "Bedtime Stories"..." ""Bad Clams"." ""Bad Clams"." " Excuse me." " Hey!" "Keep the hostage sketch." "They got a rewrite." "Uh, dress came down twenty minutes ago." "They didn't." "Suzanne?" "Yeah?" "Remember I told you about being a gatekeeper?" "Yes Sir." "This is why." "Guys, I know you worked hard all week, but it isn't there yet." "It is now." " What?" " It is." "Solid, double up the medail." "We cut "Prisoner Collector" and put it in the twelve forty-five." "The only reason I'm putting it at the end is so Harriet and Simon have time to rehearse." "Wait!" "What're you saying" "You got a sketch on tonight." "Wait, what?" "You're professional comedy writers." "Go call your parents!" " Thank you." " Thank you." " Thank you." " Thank you very much." " Thank you." " Thank you." "Get a timing from Cal's." "It might be short." "It's not gonna be with the laughs." "Thank you." "What?" "Thank you." "Go!" "Thank you!" "Ah!" "I don't know " "I maybe even have, eh " "What?" "Enjoyed it - a little " "I donno" "You'll come back one more week?" "One more week." "The result of a mitzvah." "I see what we're doing - it's a parody of my show." "You can take your chances by continueing the monologue and choosing your next joke - from one of the two briefcases or you can walk backstage and get ready for your first sketch." "Yeah, you know, I was hoping to do something different tonight, and..." "Uh... call from the bank." "Mhm mhm" "mhm..." "Listen..." "Right..." "I don't stay on the phone that long." "Camera three is ready..." "Alright!" "You're not even talking to a banker!" "That's your announcer, Herb Shelton." "Take this to the floor." "You got it too?" "How are you the only one who's not sick?" "I'll tell you how." "I'm a medical marvel." "Yeah?" "A guy calls his mother after thirty-eight years." "Days!" "Wait!" "Damn it!" "Kill me!" "Right now!" "You look good in your new clothes!" "Just be watching it at twelve forty-five!" " Yeah - yeah, it's for real." " And tell Shevie and Jill!" " Twelve forty-five, make sure grandma's there." " Oh, put him on!" "About a guy who takes hostages but he's reall bad..." "It's Lucy!" "It's true, I have a sketch on tonight." "Guys!" "Eh - hey, I gotta go." "Twelve forty-five." "I have to get off the phone now, the show has already started." "I love you." "The guy in Grosse Point just killed everybody and then himself." "He killed the kids?" "Yeah." "Well, it'd be a bad taste to do the sketch." "Yeah." "I'm sorry, guys, it's one of those..." "They're alright." "They're pros." "Good!" "Cause we're gonna come up with something in the next twenty minutes rehearse it and put it at the end of the show by the end of the show." "You don't wanna just put back something from the dress?" "I think the four of us can top it." "Something simple, using the same set." "You're just gonna wing it?" "No, no, no." "We're gonna wing it." "Take ten minutes to think on your own, then we'll pitch." "Paul McCartney says writing new music sustained him through his acrimonious divorce." "Tracks off his latest album include "I Earned It, I Was in the Beatles, You Slut!"" "and the prom ballad "Way worse than Yoga"." "And finally, Parkistan's parlament is debating its contraversial rape law." "Under proposed new amendment, a rape victim would no longer have to produce four witnesses..." "We're three seconds over." "Instead, she will be required to produce a unicorn." " I'm Simon Stiles." " I'm Harreit Hayes, and that's the news." "We're out!" "... called a "man-on-the-street interview"." "I never knew why I was supposed to care about the man on the street, either." "But, eh, at least he looked like the man on the street." "We saw him." "He was the regional distributor of a soft drink company, he was catching his train." "I" " I" " I don't if Dilbert27 is ten years old or a" "Labrador retriever." "Hey, if a dog types, I'm quoting him." "Would you get your face outta that computer?" "Life is just happening all around you, and you're watching the commentary." "I'm reading an email from a colleague who says Jordan punted a Time interview." "What happend?" "I've just been sent the interview." "Should I read it or should I " ""observe the life that's happening all around me"?" "Did he ask you if you liked him?" "No." "You just volunteered that you did." "Yeah." "And that you feel reporters are a bunch of hairdressers." "Not all reporters." "I made it very clear I was talking about him." "Much better." "Look, if you want to explode, Jack, you're right, go ahead." "Nah, I've done that already." " Jack, I really..." " What can I tell you, Jordan?" "You got two lives, okay?" "The real one, and the character you play in the press." "The Audience doesn't care about the character I play in the press, Jack, they just don't!" "Your audience is Wilson White and the board of TMG." "You were supposed to fix it, and you made it worse." "Sixty seconds till..." "Knock, knock." " God." " Knock, knock, rook!" "Who's there?" "Orange." " Banana!" " Orange!" "Banana!" "It's banana!" "Banana, banana, banana!" "Then you say orange." "Orange, you're glad I didn't say banana." "Four year olds are telling this joke." "Okay, well, calm down!" "I happen to be a member of " "What?" " Falstaff." " Falstaff Society." "Alright, here it is." "It's easy but pay attention." "Spit-take theater." "Yeah." "Same five actors, same set, elegant clothes" "Just warming the cards right now, we're gonna mark it in the next c-break." "You speak in a stentorious voice." "On the first round of cards, the actor third to the left to the person speaking does a spit-take." "On the second round, the actor third to the left and immediately to the left does a spit-take." "On the final round, anyone who isn't speaking does a spit-take." "Alright." " Great." " Good." " Wait!" " What?" "I made it through the week without getting sick and we're the ending the night with everybody spitting at me?" "That's better!" " Yeah!" " Everybody just spit at Harriet" "They should all hit." " Yes." " Good." "Great." "Ladies and gentlemen, once again" " Corinne Bailey Rae." "You want fight some more?" "Yeah, I'm gonna " "I'll be right back." " What's up?" " Hi!" "I just got here." "Was it a good show?" "I thought so, I got out of hand here at the end, but - guest's good, too." "I screwed up so bad." " No, you didn't." " I did." "Come on." "JORDAN I fell into every stereotype, ..." " No!" " ... every cliche..." "You were funny." "... of what happens when a woman is..." "What?" " I was hormonal." " What're you talking about?" "I was!" "What're you talking about?" "Hey thing's on a couple of websites now." "Reaction posted - almost twenty of them so far - are incredibly supportive." "I wrote one of them down." "Who's it from?" "Er, it doesn't matter." "Who's it from?" "A guy named Dilbert27." "But I think he's right on the money." "Oh, hell." "What?" "Woa, woa!" "Woa," "Alright." "Sit right here on the floor." "Okay." "Okey, sit right here." "This happend to Dylan during the show." "I'm okay." "No, no, no." "No, you're hot." " Sit right here." " I'm okay." " I'm gonna get the nurse." " Okay." "She's gonna give you a B-12 shot." "I can't." "I'll be right back." "I can't have the shot." "Just sit here." "Make sure she doesn't give me the shot." " You're pregnant." " I'm pregnant."