"Three years ago today, the war came to an end." "Three years ago today, the Nazis cried, "Enough!"" "And this time, we've not only honoured our heroes, we've immortalised them in stone." "Today I am here to remind you of all that my plan has achieved." "In order to build the new world better, we've begun by going back to the old." "Soon there will be no good schools." "I mean, of course, they will be all good schools." "We've turned our backs upon luxury, and, if I may coin a phrase, we've pulled up our socks." "Today there are no idle hands." "Everyone in this brave new world is a worker." "Today we have a world of free thought, free speech." "We can say what we like and no one can stop us." "Well, what do you want?" "Not funny." "But it's 1 2:00, Mr Peter, and your father is waiting to see you." "As far back as I can remember, I had a father waiting to see me at unfortunate moments." "I can remember all of them - my first school report, when I was caught reading Young Woodley, and the girl at the local Woolworth's, at the jewellery counter." " Well, what's that?" " lt's your breakfast, sir." "There's something down there staring at me." "It's a bloater, sir." "Well, take it away." "It reminds me of Arthur Askey." "Your mail, Mr Peter." "Well..." "A final notice from Dr Chandler of Harley Street." "My dentist" " Mr Barett - Wimpole Street." "Wonderful." "That can't be my tailor." "Would you know what scent..." "Oh, no, no." "Oh, it can't be Chanel, so it's not what's-her-name, and Millicent uses Tweed." "It helps to counteract her horses." " lt isn't true." " Bad news, sir?" "The most intriguing document since the Atlantic Charter." "Have my dinner jacket pressed as it's never been pressed before." "And take that." "Mr Pyke Jr's suite." "Good morning, Pop." "Yes, sir." "Yes, right away, sir." "It's your father, sir." "You're blushing." "What did he say?" "Stripped of the inessentials, he said, "Will you hurry?"" "See what I mean, gentlemen?" "You don't realise how lucky you are that none of you knew your fathers." "I'm speaking figuratively, of course." "This time he will ask three questions " "A, how did he ever come to have such a son," "B, why has he been so soft with him, and C, isn't it time I did something about it?" "What I'd like to know is how I ever came to have a son like you!" "Why am I so soft with you?" "Don't you think it's about time you did something about it?" "It's no use, Pop. I can't get excited about the hotel business. I'm no Joe Lyons." "You promised me you'd spend more time down here in the office." "Oh, but I do. I always drop in on my way out, and I'm learning a lot about the business." "I wish I could believe it." "Why, only yesterday, at the De Gaulle and Giraud Grill, I told them the cost price of their too good a dinner." "There's another thing - you might at least eat in our hotel." "But I hate eating alone." "It's a new hotel." "Give it time. lt'll pick up." "Why, my first week at Tunbridge Wells " "Listen, Pop, let's face it." "You've built a super morgue here." "I've built 54 hotels all over the globe - in America, France, Australia, Tunisia." "Don't forget the temperance I showed at Llanfair-pwl thingamabob." "Look here, Pete - l was proud of you during the war." "You got every medal there was." "You shot down 30 planes." "And 1 7 probables." "I'd swear one of them wasn't." "The war's been over a long time." "You're probably the only able-bodied man in the British Isles not working." "What are you going to do with your life?" "To tell you the truth, I'm very surprised I've still got it." "The world's gone through some revolutionary changes." "The whole social structure has been made easier - or will be." "There are jobs for everyone - or will be." "I started the hard way." "When I was your age, I'd already built my first hotel at Felixstowe." "Let me tell you about that." "When your mother and I first started, all we had was a coffee shop." "She washed up, I wiped." "And then I raised another half million and built my tenth hotel - at Torquay." " You've skipped Bognor." " l don't want to talk about Bognor." " You slipped up in Bognor." " l decided not to build in Bognor." "Five days later, the Ritz offered me 50,000 spot cash to sell outright." "Laughable." "Give Thomas a dollar." "Pete, here am I giving you the chance to run the Hotel Eisenhower and you're not even listening." "Oh, but I am. I haven't missed a word." "We've covered my not getting up till noon, my helplessness, my extravagance." "Then we took a dive into the highlights of your career - this time half an hour under schedule." "Pete, I'm sick of your idleness!" "And son or no son, I'm going to..." "No, I'll give you one more chance..." "To pull up my socks, to be a chip off the old block, or you'll cut me off with a shilling." "Yes, but this time I mean it." "I'm sorry, Pop. I realise I'm quite a headache to you." "But I promise after tonight I'll really take a crack at it." " l say!" "I'm late." " Late?" "What for?" "For Nina, princess of- Ah, but that was in Moscow." "Don't build anything till I come back." "Hey!" "You mustn't go doing things like that." "Who are you to interfere with my destiny?" " What?" " What right have you to come between me and my chosen mistress" " Death?" "Well, of all the ungrateful " "Do you imagine that you can influence the final decision of a Podushkin?" " Well, I..." " Sascha Podushkin, at your service." "Nice to have known you, Sascha, but I'm in a great hurry." "Then go." "Go your way, Englishman, to your life, to your roast beef, to your laughter." "Ha ha ha!" "You've saved a man from drowning." "Your conscience is clear." "You can use me as a heroic adventure to recount to your friends - friends who probably only tolerate you for your money." "You have money?" "Well, you've got a nerve." "You laugh." "And you have a right to laugh." "What can it matter to you that you have prevented my escape from an existence of futility and poverty?" "I said "poverty"!" "Now, look, I'm in a great hurry, so if a pound's any good..." "A pound!" "Twenty shillings!" "Do you seek to buy a Podushkin with 240 pence?" "I don't want to buy you, just to stave you off." "Alas, my friend, you are too late." "You have taken over my destiny." "The hell I have." "Now, let me explain." "From now on, everything that happens to me is your responsibility." "When I'm hungry, it's your fault." "When I'm thirsty, you are to blame." " When I'm deceived in love..." " Yes, yes, some other time." "Now go away." "There's a good fellow." " Look what you've done to my coat." " The seam's gone." "Shall I tell you what this coat means to me?" "I haven't the inclination or the time." "What is time?" "What is life?" "What is the universe?" "Really, we can't go into all that now." "It is useless to talk." "The river calls me." "Remember me sometimes when you're happy." " Goodbye." " Goodbye." "Mind the barge." "Hey!" "You mustn't go doing things like that." "Who are you to interfere with my destiny?" " But I..." " What right have you to come between me and my chosen mistress" " Death?" " But I assure you..." " Do you imagine..." "Good evening." "Good evening, dear gentleman." " Good evening." "Are you full?" " Oh, no, no, no." "I seem to be a bit too early." "Dear gentleman, one is never too early at the Silver Samovar." "Such a tikhoina orchestra you do not hear every day." "You certainly don't." "A Bollinger '39 and two glasses." "Zakuski." "We are famous for them." " No, thanks." " Sardine?" "Not just yet." "I'm waiting for somebody." "She will be late. I should not wait." " Un peu de tomate." " No, thanks." "They're always late here." "Sometimes they do not come at all." " Potato salad?" " No!" "Perhaps dear gentleman would just like " "Dear gentleman would just like you to go away." "It is an order. I, General Dumka, of the Russian Imperial Guard, I obey." "That's right." "And when dear lady arrives, dear gentleman will call dear General and we will eat some of those dear zakuskis." "Now, useless to wait any longer." " Eat and you'll then forget." " l don't want to forget." "Shashlik - spécialité de la maison." "Very good." " l'll wait a little." " But you have waited a little for so long." "Give me a bill and let me get out of this dump." " Come again, dear gentleman?" "Yes?" " No!" "But, erm..." "Now..." " Dear gentleman..." " Dear gentleman will have a glass of water." " Water?" " Iced." "But it is becoming so early in the morning." "It is never too early for the Silver Samovar." "And get me some more matches." " You're very late." " You must go." "You must go at once!" "Bollinger?" "It's very good." "PS '39." "Hurry, please." "My husband has found out." "Found out what?" " About us." " What, all of us?" "You do not understand." "He is coming here." "You should try the zakuski." "I'm told it's terrific." "But he is very jealous, horrible." "He will kill you, and then he will put you in a grave, and only your poor old mother will weep for you." "She'll have to do it between shows." "She works at the Windmill." "Oh, you are brave." "But it is foolish sometimes to be brave." "Fly while there is time." "Time." "What is time anyway?" "What is life?" "What is the universe?" "He is an American from Chicago - a very bad man." "They call him Two-gun...erm..." "Two-gun lbramovich." " Has he got them both with him?" " But of course." " You're Russian, aren't you?" " White Russian." "How did you come to marry an American?" "Well...how could it be otherwise?" "I was in Paris, alone." "He was kind to me." ""Nina," he said. "Nina Ninushka, let me take care of you always."" "So, I kiss him and I find we are engaged." "And now you must go." "He's very good with the gun." " The gun?" "You mean the two guns." " Yes, yes, yes." "It is sad to finish a love that has not yet begun, but that is how it is in - how you say - a big city." "Goodbye. I cry for you later." "A pleasant young man, but not hungry." "Ninushka, it is time you tell Olja she gets herself a new dress for her singing." "Or a shawl at least." "No one has offered her champagne for three weeks." "They do not go near her." "You tell her, Dumka." "You are her best friend." " l forgot my water." " Your water?" "Yes." "You know, the stuff that goes under bridges." " Tip him." " What?" "He doesn't deserve it." "He wouldn't give me a cigarette." "Well, go on, tip him." "Oh, yes, of course." "Certainly." "I've got to tip you." "Well, if she's yours, guv'nor, good luck to you." "You must be nuts!" "You gave him ten bob." "Yes, I suppose I did." " Rich guy, huh?" " Moderately." "Bloated capitalist banking on the oppressed worker." " l beg your pardon?" " Karl Marx." " What's your line?" " Hotels." "Commissionaire?" "No, a sort of honorary deputy manager." " But that's work!" " l know, but what can I do?" "Oh, they won't let you be a White Elephant if you work." "What sort of an elephant?" "Don't tell Nina you work, or she'll never let you live off of suckers." "I'm Heidi." "Well, howdy, Heidi. I'm Pete." "Ah, you're nice." "How did you get here?" "Well..." "So you're just another sucker." "Haven't they scared you off yet?" "A young woman did mention something about a jealous man with two guns." "That was sis." "She always pulls that one on the suckers who stay too long." "Oh, she does?" " And you weren't scared?" " l was terrified." "So, that was your sister?" "Isn't she pretty?" "I wish I had eyes like that." "Thanks." "You're welcome." "And does your sister write those letters?" "Certainly." "We've doubled the turnover since she started." "Light?" "Heidi!" "How many times do I have to tell you not to smoke?" "He tempted me." "But you should not do this. lt is not good to smoke so much when one is only 1 1 ." " lt is you." "Why did you come back?" " Well, I..." "Later." "For the moment, you must understand I am interested in my child above everything. I am a mother." "You mean a sister?" "Heidi, what are you doing here?" "Why are you not at school?" "I didn't like the school. lt was sissy." " Sissy?" " Basic English for "soft"." "Please." "This is not your affair." "They give you bad marks, and they're surprised when you don't cry." "Besides, they wouldn't let me play gin rummy." " How unkind." " lt's a scandal." "You were quite right to run away." "But did they not chase you?" "This time I left a note." "I said I was going to drown myself, so they all went to the river and I went to the station." "Clever one." "But how did you get the fare to come to London?" "Easy. I told the guard at the train you were ill and kept asking for me and that your husband had no money as he spent it all to educate me at Oxford." "A wonderful story." "But it is no story!" "My Heidi told the guard the truth." "Well, nearly." "Always my husband dreamed she should be educated like him at Oxford." " Two-gun lbramovich at Oxford?" " But you are stupid." "Who is this Two-gun lbramovich you talk of?" "Your husband, remember?" ""Very jealous, horrible."" "Oh, my story!" "I tell it well, no?" " Wonderfully." " But do not be cross with me." "If it were true, it would've happened so." "And I couldn't let you stay in the restaurant all night." "I did not know you were a friend of Heidi's." "Heidi's a grand girl." "She just told me about the sucker letters." "I thought he was an Elephant." "How much did she tell you?" "!" "Enough to make a good story for the Sunday press." "Ohh!" "You are an impostor!" "You'll sell us for money!" " Now, wait a minute." " Wait here." "Do not move." "Heidi, guard him." "Oh, so you're tough." "You bet I'm tough." " Dear Heidi, you and I are friends." " Get back." "If you let me go, I'll give you my whole cigarette case." "Further back." "In the morning, I'll send you a pipe, a bottle of rum, and a cigar." "Here, what goes on...?" "Treat him gently." "He has a nice smile." "Come on, Elephants, wake up!" "We've got another." "We've got to fairly greet him." "Come on, wake up!" "Go away, Heidi." "Why doesn't somebody drown her?" "You leave my Heidi alone." " Look, this has gone too far." " Why do you follow me?" "You had me dragged in." "Remember?" "But yes!" "You are the heartless reporter who has no scruples to expose us in every paper in London." " Look here..." " Don't make excusees, it's too late for regrets." "My restaurant is ruined." " My Elephants have nowhere to go." " What is this Elephant business?" "General Dumka has found out everything and killed himself." "My Heidi is heartbroken." "And it is this monster who has done this to us." "And why?" " Now, wait a minute." " l will tell you why." "Because he wishes to curry favour with his editor - which is well known as a nasty man who beats his wife." "Are you not ashamed?" "Look here, young lady, try and get this straight." "I haven't written anything, I'm not going to write anything, and I'm not a reporter." " But you said you were." " That was meant as a joke." "Then it was a very bad joke." "For if you had written it, it would've been as I said." "General Dumka, the poor old one, lying there with a bullet in his head, and my Heidi..." "Stop." "Not again." "She can't help it." "It's her imagination." "She persuades herself as she goes along." "Thanks. I was beginning to gather that." "Take no notice of Tania." "She's a thespian." "Are you an Elephant?" "Face it - l haven't the slightest idea what anyone is talking about." "We are all completely useless members of society." "Come, you must meet us." "Yes." "First of all, you must..." "This is Otto." "And what is he, a white zombie?" "He probes into his subconscious and finds the answers to all our problems." " And is he probing now?" " Yes." "What is it you find below, Otto?" "Mud." "Everything is mud." "And now you must meet Jacobus." "This is Jacobus." "Hello." "Excuse my scissors." " Paper dolls?" " Dolls?" "I don't play with dolls." "Not paper dolls, anyway." "I just cut out the coupons." "Free samples." "He hopes to live on them." "Look, I've got a beauty." "It's a new one" " Algerian wine." "Have a drip." "Oh, you're so big-hearted, my Jacobus." "Yes, that's not the only thing that's big." "And here we have Raphael." "He has a system." "With £1 0,000, I could make your fortune." "With £1 0,000, I should have it." "And this is Ferdinand Foret, a celebrated author of Thesis On Jealousy." "How do you do?" "I must read your book." "lmpossible. lt isn't written yet." "But it's going well, I hope." "I haven't started it." "It requires research - difficult and dangerous research." "Dangerous?" "In the British Museum?" "I don't rely on other people's observations." "I study my characters at firsthand, like Noel Coward." "He makes love to suburban housewives." "He works so hard, and he does not even enjoy it." "It's the monotony of the menu that's so depressing." "Or maybe you wouldn't understand that." "Yes, I'm afraid I wouldn't." "But it is simple." "He lets the husband catch him and then he studies the reaction." " Very drastic." " And very dangerous, but I do it for my thesis." "But so far he has been unlucky." "He has not once been caught." "Wives are so careful." "And when they're not careful, their husbands don't seem to mind." "Ha ha!" "Such an evening!" "Look, £5, 7 and 4." "From one sucker alone, I got a pound." " Yes, you certainly did." " l said that..." "Haven't we met someplace?" "Yes." "With your chosen mistress" " Death." "Oh, my gosh, it's you. ls he a policeman?" " Are you a policeman?" " No, I'm not." "But you'd better tell General Dumka before he shoots himself again." "My dear sir, let me again thank you for saving my life." "With your sympathetic encouragement and perhaps a little financial assistance, in the bitter days to come, I may never again attempt such a rash deed." "He's not an Elephant, is he?" "An Elephant?" "But this is an idea!" "You'd like to join our club, no?" "But no, he cannot be an Elephant!" "He's a sucker!" "He gave me money on the bridge tonight." "No one but a sucker ever gave me money." "You can always give it back again." "That would make me a sucker too and I would have to resign." "Of course it's only a suggestion." "But maybe he doesn't want to be an Elephant." "Oh, but I do." "Whatever an Elephant is, I'd love to be one." "What do I have to do?" "Are you prepared to weep for suffering humanity and yet not get the urge to rescue it?" "I beg your pardon?" "Civilization, which, for the sake of argument, we will assume to be a good thing, is divided in two types - the suckers who work, and those who won't work." " Do you get that?" " l follow you so far." "We are the won't-works." "We're the White Elephants - here on this earth entirely as spectators." "It is maybe unfortunate that in order to watch we have to eat." "We must get this ceiling painted." "Here in this room, we can all sit and make plans for the future - delightful plans we have absolutely no intentions of carrying out." "It seems to me I qualify easily." "I shall be one of your best members." "I hate work." " You have no job?" " Practically sacked this morning." "Shall we?" "It is agreed." "Mr Peter Pyke can be an Elephant." " Right." "Then take the oath." " That's the ticket." "Sit down." "The Elephants swear sitting." "Repeat after me." "I solemnly promise not to notice anything anyone leaves undone." "I solemnly promise not to notice anything anyone leaves undone." "I promise never to use such phrases as "Pull yourself together man"," ""Why don't you get a job", "lf l was in your place", or any reference to the word "work"." "Penalty for infringement - fourpence." "I promise." "Should I find myself a useful member of society," " l swear to inform the committee." " l swear." " All Elephants are my brothers." " All Elephants are my brothers." "I know pronounce you..." "a White Elephant." "The ceremony is too exhausting, Nina." "We must have it printed." "We welcome you, Pete." "We all of us welcome you." "Not as much as I welcome you." "How much is the subscription?" "The subscription is £20 - a ridiculous figure for a haven wherein you can be permanently indolent." "Sascha, you should be ashamed of yourself." " There is no subscription." " Sorry." "Force of habit." "Forgive me." " All Elephants are my brothers." " All Elephants are my brothers." "Can I help you?" "There should be 22." "Pete, you do not think I would steal for me, do you?" "What would make me think that?" "For my Elephants, I may steal, but not for me." "Then the case is dismissed, because all Elephants are my brothers." "I am tired." "Take off my shoes." "It's high time you were in bed." "No. I'm too tired to move." "We will talk a little." "Tell me how it was when you were a little boy." "Well, I was born... I remember in Moscow when I was a girl and wouldn't go to sleep, how my Nianka would frighten me with stories." "It is not good to frighten little girls with stories." "I do not try to frighten my Heidi." "A pity." "When did you leave Russia?" "When I was ten." "During the Revolution, we fled to Belgrade. lt was terrible." "Never mind." "You carry your years very well for a woman of 40." "I am not 40!" "The Revolution was 30 years ago, and you were ten then." "Peter Pyke, you're trying to set traps for me." "This was another revolution." "I will not tell you any more." "But you must." "You can't leave me in suspense." "We were in the middle of a terrible flight to Belgrade." "And it was terrible." "There were 47 people in the railway carriage and it was so cold." "A nice old gentleman took pity on me and wrapped me in his fur coat." "He put me on the rack." "He had a fat gold watch chain." "Poor kid." "How much did you get for it?" "Not much. lt was only rolled gold." "In the morning, I was so hungry when the man with the watch chain came for his fur coat, I had eaten it. lt was delicious." " Nina, you're lying." " But no!" "I did leave Russia when I was ten, and it was very cold and I was very hungry." "The fur coat maybe I imagined." "But never shall my Heidi suffer as I suffered." "She shall be a princess like I was in Moscow and live in a palace." "Nina." "You are right. I was not a princess." "Weren't you?" "I wonder." "Exquisite." "I would've knocked, except it would've been silly knocking coming out of a room, wouldn't it?" "We were talking." "Back in Vladivostok, my mother used to say to my father," ""When you and the girl help behind the kitchen, keep talking," ""and if you're not talking, I want to hear you keep whistling."" "Good night, Sascha, and God bless you." "Oh, Nina, before you drop off, I wish for a word with you." "It is not the time." "What is time anyway?" "What is life?" "What is the universe?" "It must be understood - that is my exclusive material." "Sascha, you talk too much." "Go to bed." "Nina darling, I want to speak seriously about money." " The landlord must wait." " But it is not the landlord. lt is me." "Sascha!" "You have stolen!" "The police are after you." "I see it all. lt was a small old lady with a large handbag." "They will whip you." "Your health will break." "And General Dumka will shoot himself again." "No, no, no." "Ninushka, it's that £5, 7 and 4 I made tonight." "I wish to take £4 of it to buy a coat." " But you have a coat." " But this one is different." "It has an Astrakhan collar, cuffs to match, five pockets, and a genuine caviar stain on the left lapel." "It once belonged to Geraldo." "A bit flashy for suicide." "It would be." "Pete is right." "To the think of the energy I wasted swearing you in." "No, no, Ninushka, it is not for the bridge." "I have a new sensational scheme, the brilliance of which even staggers me." "Oh, let him have the coat." "If Pete says so, OK." "Thank you, my dear Elephant." "You will never forget this." "And now we must get Ninushka to bed." "Always I'm picking her up from callers where she has fallen asleep." "Tonight Pete will help me upstairs alone." "Me?" "I think it is a mistake." "Then it will be my first mistake." "All right, but remember - a clever girl makes her first mistake last." "My poor Pete." "You think we are all mad." "Now, what could give me that impression?" "You know, you're very lovely." "Did you scalp an angel for that hair?" " l'm sorry, Nina." " Are you?" "It was just one of those things." "Was it?" "One of those things that happen when two people like each other and they're a little too tired and..." "stand together a moment too long." "No." "Sascha was right." "It would be a mistake." "You stay here." " Good night." " Good night." "Good night." "Good night." "Didn't we play beautifully for you?" "Do you think you can do this to a Podushkin?" "!" "All Elephants are my brothers." " Good afternoon." " Good afternoon, sir." " Good afternoon." " Good afternoon." "Why can't I get some service around here?" "!" "If you'll state what you want, I'll see if you can have it." "I want the Imperial Suite." "Yes, you do..." "The Imperial Suite?" "!" "What else could Count Stefan Gregory want from a peasant girl?" "Oh, no, sir. I mean, yes, sir." "Yes, sir!" "Mr Marcel!" "This gentleman wants the Imperial Suite." "The Imperial Suite?" "Of course, sir, yes." "The Imperial Suite." "Oh, that's the one, yes." "But of course, sir." "Yes, sir." "Who have we the honour of..." "Count Stefan Gregory." "I'm here on a diplomatic mission." "I may be in London for quite some time." " l'm tired." "Show me to my suite." " But of course." "This way, sir." "Page, take the count's accoutrement." " l expect high diplomacy is very tiring." " Yes, it must be the altitude." "Ha ha." "The finest suite in London - 246, 7, 8 and 9." "This is the bedroom." "Do you always draw the curtains that early?" "Reception said you were tired, sir." "Do you draw them in the morning as well?" " Yes, sir." " Call me first before you draw them." " Do you like the suit, Count?" " lt will do." "It was here the Nazi leaders stayed before the war trial." "They were very satisfied..." "until they heard the verdict." "And now may I show you the other rooms?" "Thanks. I will take them for granted." "Get me the Swedish embassy." "Your coat." "In our country, when we reach the age of eight, we undress ourselves." "Sometimes we do it when we are seven." " But it's only..." " Myself, I did it when I was six." "Pants and all." "Good night." "God bless you." " Good night, Count." " Good night, good night." "Are you thrown in with 246, 7, 8, and 9?" "No, sir." "I just brought your briefcase up." "Well, put it down. lt isn't sticky." "Yes, sir." "is there anything further?" "No, it don't look like it." "Supervisor, this is the Hotel Eisenhower." "Can I have the telephone number of the Swedish Embassy?" "Hello?" "Your call to the Swedish embassy." "Go ahead, please." "Oh, yes." "Ha ha." "I just called, it's nothing important." "I just want to tell you..." "I love Greta Garbo." "Dry cleaning?" "The gentleman in 246, 7, 8, 9 said he ordered his suit for 10:30." "Suit for 246, 7, 8, and 9." "Suit for 246, 7, 8, and 9." "Suit for 246, 7, 8, and 9." "Suit for 246, 7, 8, and 9." "It isn't here." "Oh, dear." "Oh, dear." "What's the matter with you?" "Lost your passport or credit?" "The suit for 246, 7, 8, 9 is missing." "What, the Count of Monte Cristo?" "Don't be a villain." "Tell the floor manager." "And they used to say Jack Benny was the meanest man in the world." " What of it?" " Go in and meet the new champ." "Wipe your feet and enter!" " Well?" " We can't find it, sir." "Are you quite certain..." ""Are you quite certain"!" "I suppose I walked in here like this!" " Well, no, sir." " Get me the manager!" " l've already sent for the floor manager..." " Get me the manager!" "Get me the rector!" "Get me everyone!" "Get me the Russian embassy." "Cancel that call." "But I remembered - if Mr Molotov calls, put him right through." "Suit for 246, 7, 8, 9." "Suit for 246, 7, 8, 9." " Suit for 246, 7, 8, 9!" " Suit for 246, 7, 8, 9!" "Suit for 246, 7, 8, and 9?" "Suit for 246, 7, 8, and 9!" "Suit for 246, 7, 8, and 9!" "Entrer!" "Well?" "My dear count, such a catastrophe is inconceivable." "It simply cannot happen here." "It has happened here." "It is useless to deny it." "The suit cannot be found." "But of course the hotel will make good the loss." "The company will be enchanted to attend to the tailor's bill." "And what do I wear in the meantime?" "A page boy will be dispatched to your residence immediately." "To Voroshilovgrad?" "Oh, er, dear me, no." "But...no, that is a bit far." "In the meantime, it is half-past eleven." "I had an important engagement at 1 1 :00 - l've missed it." " We could telephone " " Useless to telephone!" "The man I was supposed to meet is on his way to Amsterdam." " Then I am at a loss." " You are at a loss?" "Ha ha!" "This unfortunate accident has cost me a considerable deal of money - money for which I will hold this hotel responsible." "I shall probably hear from your solicitors in the morning." "My dear Count, you must be tolerant." "I assure you, I will dismiss all my imbecilic staff." "You're fired." "Perhaps if you spoke to the director himself..." "Right." "Lead the way." " You can't walk around like that." " Get me a dressing gown!" "A dressing gown?" "Yes, of course." "A dressing gown." " Whose dressing gown?" " Get mine." " No!" "Get me the best one in the hotel." " Yes, the best in the hotel." "Now, Count, if you'll only be seated." "All right, all right, all right." "And you may send me some champagne." "Champagne?" "Yes." "Gentlemen, I have heard all your excuses, and I've decided to be tolerant." "I will consider accepting £200." "£200 for a suit?" "For delay resulting in loss of business." "It is difficult for me to calculate the exact loss your negligence has occasioned, but possibly my solicitors will find it easier." "Settle with him." "We don't risk the publicity." "With whom was your appointment?" "Sir, you are impertinent!" "I refuse to answer." "You'd have to answer in a court of law." "Do you dare me?" "Settle!" "This scandal will ruin us." "Are you sure the suit isn't anywhere?" "Tell the manager to bring up every suit in the cleaning department." "What sort of suit was it?" "The suit is not important." "I can afford to lose a suit." "I have many suits, all of them with turn-ups." "It is not the loss of the suit that matters." "It is the loss of my appointment." "If you wish, I will take a cheque for the 200." " l'll give you 100." " 100!" "Done!" "Oh, excuse me, sir." "This is the only suit in the dry cleaning, sir." "Ahh." "Would that be your suit, Count?" "It would not." "But it's a nice bit of cloth." "Damn it, sir!" "You can't take another man's suit!" "You'd prefer me to go out in my underwear?" "Humour him, sir." "What's a suit?" "What's a suit?" "What's a suit?" "!" "For the spring, I would've liked something in pearl grey." "However..." " Whose suit is that?" " Your son's, sir." "That settles it. lt's yours." " And the hundred?" " And the hundred." "But what shall I tell Mr Peter when he rings for his suit?" "You can tell him..." "No, I'll tell him." "Any other man's son would be here to help when this occurred." "Get him down here at once!" " He's not awake yet." " Then wake him!" "Pull him out of bed!" "I want to see him now!" "Yes, sir." "Sufficient." "Do you wish to hang me?" "When I told him we couldn't find his suit, he said send for the manager, and I promise I haven't seen it." "And he said he ordered it for 1 0:30, but dry cleaning hasn't got it." "And old Papa Pyke - l mean your father - he said you should get down there at once." " l haven't got his suit." " No, he's got yours." "Why bother me?" "He's what?" "!" "Do keep calm, sir." "Let's face this together." "But what's he doing with my suit?" "Your father gave it to him." "I do beg you to hurry." "Give me my dressing gown." "He's, erm, got that too, sir." "He's..." "He said he wanted the best gown in the hotel, so we took the liberty..." "You took my dressing gown?" "Do keep calm, sir." "I beg of you, let us keep calm." "Gentlemen, I feel much better already." "Your shirt is a perfect fit." "The tie, maybe a bit too utility." "I would prefer something in lavender." "However, as we say in Russia... ?" "a ne fait rien." "If my suit turns up, you may send it to Dr Bernardo." "What goes on here?" "Has everyone gone mad?" "Have you walked through the hotel like that?" "I'm lucky to have these left." "Where's my suit?" "Mr Peter, we've just had a very narrow escape." "And what are you doing, advertising Spam?" "It's no use your being truculent." "The time's come for plain speaking." "A high diplomat has had his clothes stolen in this hotel." "He was going to sue us, so I gave him your suit." "Who do you think I am - Bundles for Britain?" " Sit down, Pete." " l don't want to sit down." "Sit down!" "In my career, I've made some pretty big decisions." "This is the biggest decision I've ever made, and I'm making it because I'm fed up with the hotel business." "I'm fed up with you!" "Fed up with all of you!" " What are you doing here?" " Nothing, sir." " Do I pay you to do nothing?" " Yes, sir." "Get out and do something!" "Yes, sir." "I'm going away, Pete." "Right away." "Clearing out, for two whole months." "And I'm leaving you in full charge." " Me?" " You heard." "But I can't run this hotel alone." "That's your affair." "You've had every chance to learn from me." "Now you'll tackle it by yourself." "It's time I made you into a useful citizen." "But you mustn't make me a useful citizen." "Anything else, but not a useful citizen." " l took an oath last night." " And I'm taking one right now!" "I'll give you two months to put this hotel on its feet." "And if you don't make good I'll..." "I'll put you into the BBC!" "And this time I mean it." "Have my bags packed." ""Should I find myself a useful member of society," ""l swear to inform the committee."" "If there is anything I can do, Mr Peter..." "Who are you to interfere with my destiny?" "I beg your pardon?" "Do you imagine you can influence the final decision of a Pyke?" "Evening, all." "An Elephant does not say "Good evening" when entering the club." " Sorry." " Wakes us up unnecessarily." "Yes, it would do." "Pardon me." " Nina, I must talk to you alone..." " lt is very difficult." "In my books, we only owe £65, 6 shillings and tenpence." "That, of course, does not include the rent." "I do not understand it." "Someone has made a mistake." "That seems highly probable." "Nina, I..." "But I'm so careful with my accounts." "Look at the trouble I take." "Oh, don't bother to pick them up." "We cannot pay them anyway." " Hello." " Oh, hello." "Got the Telegraph?" " Stock exchange prices?" " No." "Suckers." "We get their names in the Arrived in London column." "There, Heidi." "Now please go away and be quiet." "That child worries me." "She should be sent to a good school, where they will make her a lady and teach her to be stupid." " Stupid?" " Yes, I'd like my Heidi to be stupid." "It is only the stupid people in this world who are happy." "If you're clever, you see nothing can be done about anything, so you do not do it." "But the stupid, they see nothing and do everything." "That is why we won the war." "And that is why I bring my Heidi to England." "Here she has more chance." "Thanks. I see your point." "But it is difficult to afford the school." "Always we have to pay the fees in advance, and always before we can begin to owe, she has run away." "Then we have the electric light, the telephone, the rent, the orchestra." " lf only the letter would come." " The letter?" "One day the letter will come, and then we will all be rich." "But what is this letter?" "But even if it did, and we paid this and this and this, there would still be that and that and that." "Still, today Sascha won £1 00, so tomorrow I send my Heidi to school again." "Nina, I've got to talk to you." "This is the only club I've ever really wanted to join." "I might've drawn up the rules myself." "That's why I'm not going to relinquish it without a struggle." "But, Peter, I've never heard you talk so much!" "Nina, I've got tell you..." "Hey, that's not so bad for a day's work." "Look." "Cornflakes, cornflour, corn plasters, a book of free patterns, some hair restorer, and some hair remover." "My Jacobus, you are so clever." "And when the free patterns arrive, I will make a coat of many colours like Solomon." "No, you mean Joseph." "Ah, yes." "Solomon was the one in the bulrushes." "Nina, I've got a job." "Pete, you are wonderful." "Now, Jacobus, do not forget..." "Wait a drop." "You got a job?" " Yes." " Work?" "A job?" "But you can't go getting jobs." "You're an Elephant." "But I know exactly how it happened." "He could not help it." "He was cold and hungry." "The rent was owing." "And that horrible man tempted him with a contract that would buy him bread and fire and borscht." " Wait a minute - - lf he told you that, it's a lie." "He lives at the Hotel Eisentrousers, and the fat one what owns it is his father." "How do you know this?" "I know, cos l went to the hotel to cut out the coupons from the reading room." "The fat one will be honoured." "Oh, my Pete, you have done a very silly thing." "Sit down." "We will consult Ferdinand." "Ferdinand?" "Yes?" "Pete has got a job." "You know, work." " Can he stay an Elephant?" " lmpossible." "If he has a job, he's no Elephant." "If he's an Elephant, he has no job." "You see, it is very complicated." "But wait, I have another idea." " Ferdinand." " What is it now?" "Suppose he gets the sack?" " Who?" " Pete!" "Oh, I suppose that's all right." "Stupid spot to get into anyhow." "You see?" "It is settled." "Tomorrow you'll arrange to get the sack." "But it isn't as simple as that." "I can't get them to give me the sack." "Don't talk fantastical." "To keep a job is impossible" " To lose it is easy, like falling off a dog." " The word is "log"." "He must go." "Well, could you not resign?" "You might as well hear the worst." "They've made me manager of the Hotel Eisenhower." "He must go at once." "is that all the Elephants are good for?" "To desert a comrade in time of trouble?" "If you don't stick by me now, when I need you, I might even become a respectable member of society - a businessman, a captain of industry." "He is right." "We cannot ruin Pete's whole life." "Could we not make an exception just this once?" "As a matter of interest, how does a terrible thing like this happen?" "I mean, we may as well be forewarned." "Thanks." "It started at dawn - about 1 1 :00." "Dear gentlemen will allow me to interrupt at the beginning instead of the middle?" "I will come." "Tell your story, Peter." "I know you will tell it beautifully." "OK." "Kindly begin to commence." "Well, someone lost a suit at the hotel, and my father, whom you so wittily call "the fat one", gave the gentleman my new morning suit, which I had...only...just..." "Pardon me a moment." "Hey, what is it?" "What is it?" "Don't tell me, I know." "The letter has arrived." "No, I've arrived." "How did you get that suit?" "Oh, this?" "Ha ha. lsn't it a beauty?" "The best tailor in London made it for me." "Only he didn't know it was for me." "I repeat, how did you get that suit?" " You'll die when I tell you." " l can't wait." "It belongs to some sucker who's probably still looking for it." " Go on." " When I arrived at the hotel, I was wearing only the coat and my underwear." "But the coat was so long, no one noticed it." "Then, in the morning - ha ha ha ha!" " This is the part you'll love." " l'm fascinated." "In the morning, I ring for the valet and demand the suit I say I was wearing." " Of course, the manager goes crazy." " Stark staring crazy." "They offer me money to keep quiet." "Me, money." "I take it. I take £1 00 and the best suit in the place." "Isn't it wonderful?" "I'll give you exactly one minute to take it off." " Take it off?" "!" " 45 seconds" "Have you gone mad?" "Why should I take off my nice new suit?" "Because it's my nice new suit." "30 seconds." "Has he been at the vodka?" "Far be it from me to stop an interesting unveiling," " but is it really your suit?" " Read the name inside the breast pocket." "Peter Pyke." "What a small world." "Go away!" "Yes, go away." "You've got exactly 15 seconds." "But I can't undress in front of all these people." "No Podushkin has ever done such a thing." "Here's your chance to be a pioneer." "Wait a minute." "I'll make a bargain with you." "If I go to the police, Sascha goes up the river for several years." "You wouldn't do that to a brother Elephant, would you?" "Not if I was a brother Elephant." "What is this?" "Of course you're an Elephant!" "I swore you in myself." "He's got a job since then - manager of the Hotel Eisenhower." "He won't be any good at that job." "Will you, Petey, my boy?" "That's all right." "But we got certain principles." "We will ask Ferdinand." " Ferdinand?" " What is it?" "Either Sascha takes off his clothes and goes to prison or Peter's still an Elephant." "Anything rather than Sascha in his underwear." "Oh, I knew it would work out all right." "You are a lucky fellow." "You are more than a lucky fellow." "You are a lucky Elephant." "Where's Nina?" "A bit of trouble in the restaurant." "It seems to me we lost our principles somewhere." "Oh, go and cut coupons." "Do not disturb." "What's that pocket Charles Laughton doing at Nina's table?" " We have a saying in Russia..." " Obviously she can't get rid of him." " We have a Russian saying..." " Probably trying to make love to her." " ln Russia..." " Out of my way!" "Useless to talk." "Just time to drown myself." "Pete!" " Get out." " l beg your pardon?" " Pete, wait a minute." " Nina, I'm just in the mood for this." "You've probably heard of me." "I'm Two-gun lbramovich." "Very jealous, horrible." " Just a minute, sir." " Out." "Or I'll throw you out." "Lay one finger on me, I'll have you for assault!" "Well, that won't bother you again." "Oh, Pete, that was our landlord." "He did not pay for the Bollinger." "We can deduct that from the rent we owe." "Oh, Nina, I'd no idea it was the landlord." "I thought it was just another sucker who'd got " "Shh!" "Shh!" "Shh!" "Never in front of General Dumka." "He does not know about the suckers." "He thinks it is his uniform that brings them in." "If he should ever learn the truth, it would break his heart." " Nina, how much rent do you owe?" " Oh, who knows?" "When we have money, I go to the bank and they tell me." "When we have no money, they write and tell me." "Then they send the cheque back and I'm certain." "Nina, look...can I help?" "If the rent doesn't run into telephone numbers." "But no, Pete!" "I would not hear of such a thing." "We will wait." "When the letter comes, we will all be rich." "But what is this letter that keeps popping up on the horizon?" "You do not know?" "It is the letter we expect from Sergei." "And who is Sergei?" "But he is a big Hollywood film star!" "At least he soon will be." "I'll show you his picture and you will agree." "Look. is he not handsome?" "Yes." "It's a pity he forgot to shave that day." "Well, it doesn't show much." "Now, what about this letter?" "But, Pete, you are so stupid." "Sergei is an Elephant and we all love him very much." "When he makes his fortune, he'll send us half of all he earns." "And that's the letter you've all been waiting for?" "But of course." "Sergei has promised." "Nina, you're unbelievable." "You've got the blind faith of a child, yet you're sophisticated." "You're gay and you're sad." "You can tell more lies than Ananias." "Me tell a lie?" "But, Pete..." "You've got a head full of devilment and the face of a Madonna." "You were made to be adored, Nina." "That was nice." "Hello." "Doing all right, aren't you?" "Well, there's your school, Heidi." "Now, for pity's sake, pull yourself together, Heidi!" "First impressions are so important." "Ring the bell, Heidi." "That's enough, Heidi dear." "Nothing's enough to wake this place up." "Dear me!" "Someone must be leaning on the bell." "Could it be the new girl?" "It could be Miss Heidi, it could." "Heidi - what a charming name." "Yes." "We, of course, are going to call her Hilda." "Oh, blast!" "Heidi, quiet!" " Well, I've left my cigarettes behind." " lt is not nice to drink and smoke." "Soon even Sascha will not like you." "Soon?" "I'm only here to see you don't weaken and bring her back." "Oh, good morning." "You're expecting us, aren't you?" "This is Heidi." "Hello." "Ha ha ha!" "You will excuse her, please." "She is excited." "On the train, she had half a bottle of..." "Of cola!" "And you know how those bubbles get you." "Quite." "Step a little further inside." "It's awfully draughty out here." "Quite." "You, I take it, are the father of the little girl." "Yes." "Oh, yes." "The likeness is quite marked." "But you are mistaken." "They do not look alike." "He is not my husband." "We are not even lovers." "My name is Pyke. I'm a friend of the family." "Ah, yes." "So, this is where the little dears are moulded into beautiful womanship." "Are you the girl's father?" "God forbid. I mean, no, dear lady." "I am Sascha Podushkin, their business manager." "They have a business?" "Yes, we have a dear little restaurant." "A nightclub, you understand." " A nightclub?" "!" " How you would love our gypsy orchestra." "I doubt it." "Oh, I see." "Has this child been brought up in a nightclub?" "Not exactly." "She's been to several schools before." "But I didn't like them, so I ran away." "They did not understand my Heidi." "They were so stupid." "Very few people understand my Heidi." "Such lucky people." "Have you no English antecedents anywhere?" "None at all." "In that case, I'm afraid I can't..." "Wait a moment." "What about your aunt in Scotland?" " My aunt?" " That's right." "Your aunt, Lady..." "Lady Trossach." "You're always telling me about her." "Oh, that one." "Your aunt is Lady Trossach?" "Oh." "And what a wonderful lady." "What a Cossack!" "I shall never forget her in the Don Mountains - lt's "Trossach" and it's Scotland." "I remember long ago in Nizhny Novgorod - she was very pretty but she was careless." "So, my grandfather has to go to the Duke and say, "You must marry her quick."" " Nina." " But, Pete, you started it!" "They are such an aristocratic pair." "The duke - so tall, so strong, so proud." "And how the peasants in Scotland love them." "Understand - they are kind to them and do not whip them much." "Oh, quite." "And everywhere they go, they strew rose leaves in their path." " Erm, thistles." " Quite." "And every year, when the ice on the great rivers melt, they take their yacht and go to sea at Cow." " She means Cowes." " Do I?" "Yes, well, much as I should like it, I'm afraid I..." "Think hard, dear lady, before you send this pitiful child back into the world again." "Think of this innocent mite." "Practically and Englishwoman, almost royal, condemned to be brought up in a nightclub amidst a phantasmagoria of can-can dancers, orgies, and depraved gypsy music sung by abandoned singers." "My poor Olja." "We must take her some flowers." "Think of the effect of such an environment upon this young and impressionable mind." " l like it." " You see what I mean?" "What chance has she of ever growing up to look..." "like that?" " Well..." " l knew you'd understand!" "You are a woman of the world." "In fact, if I were a few years younger..." "Miss Haddock, you will take her, won't you?" "Now that you put it like that, yes." "My duty is clear. I'll take the child." "I shall take little, er, Heidi... we shall have to call her Hilda, of course - and I shall try to mould her into a true English gentlewoman." "It won't be easy." "You English and your understatements." "Heidi!" "Oh, do not cry, little one." "Every day I will write you, and every evening I will telephone." "No telephones." "Nina, our train goes in ten minutes." "Pete, you are heartless!" "I must say goodbye to my Heidi." " And each Sunday I'll visit you." " No visiting." "Goodbye, Miss Haddock." "Thank you very much." " Goodbye, my Heidi!" " Yes, yes." "Thank you, dear lady." "And remember, if Sascha Podushkin was a younger man..." "Come on." "Now, Hilda, we don't want any trouble." "You're in time for Scripture class." "We'll go together, shall we?" "My name's Heidi, and I won't go to the Scripture class." "Now, Hilda, you want to hear about David and Jonathan, don't you?" "Such a lovely friendship." "No, I don't." " But, Hilda dear - - l'm Russian Orthodox Church." "Yes, I know all about that." "But you're in England now." "Aaah!" "You're persecuting me, that's what you're doing!" "Well, really!" "Cut it out!" "Miss Rumple!" "I can't... lt was lucky l came with you." "Without my quick brain, Heidi never would've been accepted." "You were wonderful, Sascha." "Even Sergei could not have wooed Miss Haddock with more finesse." "The finesse of both of you nearly had us thrown out before we were in." "No Podushkin has ever been thrown out!" "We are men of fate, of destiny." "Oh, save it for the bridge." "He jeers at my profession!" "That is the last straw." "Nina, I return to London alone." "Children, children, we must not quarrel." "Remember, Heidi is in school alone and desolate." " That's the main issue." " No, I go back by myself." "I cannot be humiliated." "I am...too sensitive." "All right, I'm sorry." "There, you see?" "Now we can all go back together." "No, Nina, I have some important arrangements in town." "I have a taxi waiting for me in the village." " You cunning old weasel!" " That is wonderful!" "The taxi is quicker than the train." "We'll ride back together." "But no, Nina, these arrangements are secret, confidential." " You shall know later." " All right, let him go." "As a matter of interest, who pays for this cab?" "I made a bargain with the driver." "Tonight he'll eat at the Silver Samovar the fare l owe him." "Au revoir, mes amis!" "All Elephants are my brothers!" "Ha ha!" "You know, you have to hand it to him." "Pete, look!" "A haystack." "Well, what of it?" "It's a long time since I went to sleep on a haystack." "Hold." "Hey!" "Our train goes in five minutes!" "But, Nina, if we don't go now, we'll miss it." "Then we will miss it." "But we mustn't miss it." "All my life I have adored hay." "Come." "I remember in Odessa, whenever the farmer was not looking," "Grisha and I would climb onto it and we would like just like this and he would comfort me." " And who was Grisha?" " Oh, stupid one." "Grisha was the little boy who lived on the next estate." "For, you must understand, in Russia we have much money and much land." "But Grisha's mother and my mother are very jealous." "Each time one lady buys more land, the other buys as much." "Soon they own the whole village and have their eye on the next." " Nina." " But it is true!" "Then, because they are both nearly ruined, it is planned the families must unite." "So Grisha and I are to be wed." " And how old were you?" " Eight and a half." "I was very sad when the Revolution tore us apart." "I cried all the time on the boat." "The train." "The rack." "They wrapped you in a fur coat and left you there, remember?" "Your memory is too good, my Pete." "You should always be happy, Nina." "You should always smile." "You like my smile?" "It's more than a smile." "It's a little sonata in three movements." " Nina..." " No, Pete." "Do not say it." "But why not?" "Are you afraid of a compound fracture of illusions?" "Are they bad things to have - illusions?" "They're wonderful things." "Don't ever part with them." "When your illusions have gone, you may still exist, but you've ceased to live." "You say things very nicely, Pete." "You know what I'm trying to say." "No. lt would not be a good thing." "But why not?" "I could look after you." "I could even..." "look after Heidi." "Don't we have fun together?" "But of course. I'm very happy when I'm with you. I laugh all the time." "But with my bills and bank managers, I cry all the time." "To a Russian, this is important." "Isn't it better to laugh?" "Yes, Pete, I think you are right." "It is better to laugh." "Pete!" "What is it?" "My Pete." "How clever of you to find a needle in a haystack." "Pete, do you see?" "Yes, I see." "Today the Hotel Eisenhower has come into its own." "This morning, there have been 1 2 new clients." "And since lunch, six more have registered and gone straight to the restaurant." "That is why I have called you all before me." "Our service must be ever-present but inconspicuous." "You, Chef, will cease your experiments and concentrate." "You will place hydrangeas in all lounges." "You will remove the white trellis from the foyer carpets." "Place a large supply of notepaper in the writing room." "All bells will be tested, ashtrays inspected hourly." "And new mattresses will be hurried into the bridal suites...just in case." "That will be all." "By this time next week, we will be full." "My friend, you must admit I have a flair, almost a genius for managing hotels." "Indeed you have, sir." "It's a pity you're not the general manager of this hotel." "I am the general manager." "That is, for all practical purposes." "The important decisions are always mine." "But what of the young son, sir?" "Oh, I keep him happy by allowing him to attend to trifles." "He can bow to the more important guests." "He would never dream of questioning any of my decisions." "Who the hell has moved me out of my room?" "Oh, that. I did." "One of our new guests wanted a view, so I took the liberty " "New guests?" "I can see you don't know the joyous news." "We're filling up, Mr Peter." "The hotel is a success at last." "But this is terrible." "Marcel, it's got nothing to do with me if this hotel makes good." "It's entirely your doing." " You choose to flatter me." " Let's get this clear." "I've been a terrible general manager." "I'm hopeless." " l don't deserve the job." " Oh, you belittle yourself." "However, if you wish it, I will take all the credit." "Good." "Now I can eat with a clear conscience." "Bonjour, Mr Peter." "As you see, a tremendous success." "1 9 lunches already." "And the chef has surpassed himself." "The mutton Montgomery - mmm!" "And they are all drinking." "That one ordered Chateau Rico." " ls he one of the new guests?" " That is Count Gregory." "He's forgiven our unfortunate accident of last week, and has agreed to take your room for a month." "That's very big of him." "Well, if it isn't Pete!" "Pete, sit down, have a glass of wine." "Have a jugful!" "Waiter!" "I hate to embarrass you, but are you eating here too?" "Yes, it's wonderful." "Your beds is so constable. I sleep like a tot." "Your bathroom is magnificent." "Even the shower door works." "What more could an Elephant want?" "And whose idea was it that you should move in?" "Sascha's." "He's very clever" " Sascha." "The idea come to him in the flesh." "Pete, I want you to meet a very old friend of mine" "Miss..." "Miss, erm..." "Jenny Wright, sir." "How many times did I told you not to call me "sir", darling?" "And for you, I suppose everything is mud." "Do you find the food to your liking?" "You're welcome." "Mmm!" "Petey, my boy, sit down!" "Waiter, another lunch - on my bill." "You have a nice hotel here, Pete." "I never would've thought the fat one would produce anything as restful." " And you intend to rest here long?" " Of course. lt's very comfortable." "Although, in all fairness, the borscht is beastly." " You don't say?" " Mmm, horrible!" "Tomorrow I will show the chef how we do it in Russia." "Sascha, there will be no tomorrow." "It's not as bad as all that." "This time we will overlook it." "And is this the important arrangement you had to make this morning?" "We did it because we love you, Pete." "We're running up tremendous bills - buying presents right and left, charging up everything." " Because you love me?" " Of course!" "Soon we will owe so much, the hotel will be in the red, and you will be fired!" "Oh, dear." "Go ahead and eat till the old man gets back and turfs you out." "All Elephants are my brothers." "All Elephants are my brothers!" "Ferdinand, what is the matter?" "Why are you laughing so?" "Your humours are ill-timed, Sascha." "I'm in very grave danger." "You have been caught at last?" " l have been challenged." " Challenged?" "Some idiot has challenged me to a duel." " A duel?" " A duel?" "But who?" "Who do you fight?" "A husband." "So, your thesis finally caught up with you." "Did he react well?" "I haven't even met the wretched husband." "He had me shadowed and challenged me by registered post." "Damned bad taste." "That is the best thing the British government has done," " to legalize duels!" " You think so?" "You'll allow me to act as your second." "I will consider it a great honour." " lsn't there any way out?" " None." "It has been many years since I acted as second." "It will be nice to smell that clean early morning air again." "Early morning?" "Oh, it is a tradition." "Wait!" "You've been challenged by registered post." "That is not in the tradition." "It may not be in the tradition." "It's in the letter." "Oh, my friend, you cannot fight a man who starts his challenge with "Dear sir..."" "I can't fight a man who starts his challenge any way." "But I'll do it for my thesis." " Oh, my God!" "We're ruined!" " Ruined?" "Out of all the wives in Wimbledon, you have to pick his wife!" " Whose wife?" " Our landlord's." "My friends always warned me that I was too indulgent, that I allowed her too much liberty, but I said that may be true of other women, but not my Marjorie." "I'd trust her anywhere." "But-But now..." "My poor friend, I understand." "Even at this moment, his arms are around her." "His lips are pressed to hers." "Her fingers ruffle his curly hair." "Please, please!" "She forgets her vows, her home - all she owes to the poor, proud husband who has been faithful to her since they were married." " Has he?" " Yes, yes." "When I travel, possibly." "But I'm human." "We must do something. lt's not fair you should suffer like this, when you've been so kind about the rent." "Come." "If you really will do something, I'll wait till the letter with the funds arrives from America." "That is good." "Now you must go out the back way." "Did I do right to issue the challenge?" "But of course." "Now when you're killed, you will die with honour." "Yes..." "What?" "!" "Not tonight, Josephine." "Pete!" "At last you have come to be thanked." "Hey, what's all this?" "But you are so modest." "To take my poor Elephants into your big hotel, this was the act of a prince." " l hear it is a wonderful place." " But the borscht is beastly." "What will the fat one say when he returns?" "He will hit you with a mallet." "But no matter." "Rest assured, the letter will be on the next boat, and then we can pay the hotel back every sou." "That's exactly what I shall tell the fat one." " Ha!" "Pete..." " What?" "is there another empty room in your hotel?" " For you?" " No, for General Dumka." "The poor old one - he is so uncomfortable in his high, cold, dark room." "He's moving in tomorrow." "Yes?" "Oh, Pete, you're so noble, so generous." "Oh, it's nothing." " Almost you might be a Russian." " Nichevo." "For that, you may come and sit on the stairs." "We sit here." "And what is your regiment?" "Royal Corps of Commissionaires, sir." "Just for that, I won't come back, see?" "If it wasn't that I'm frightened of my own strength, I'd throw the whole lot back again!" "Something has happened?" "Yes, the party is over." "We are not welcome any more?" "The fat one is back." "The others will be out in a jiff." "Hey, don't go in there." "They got rats." "Indigo splotched with crimson, all right." "All right, all right, all right!" "It is beneath the dignity of a Podushkin to even bandy words with a man who allows his borscht to be served like static water." "Get out!" "Get out, you Chekhov sideshow!" "Hmph!" "That he should lend his name to a fifth-rate boarding house." " And if ever I see..." " Too late!" "Even if you beg on bended knees, I shall never come back." "How dare you!" "Hey, better cool down." "You'll have a stroke." "This is a stupid display to give on the steps of your own hotel." "What?" "!" "All capitalists are stupid, narrow-minded, with no imagination." "Who the devil are you?" "!" "I'm Heidi." "You're the fat one." "Pete's told me about you." "Oh, he has, has he?" "Listen." "Do you know all those people by sight?" " l might." " Right." "Sit there." "Take that." "If ever one of those scavengers shows his face inside these doors, bang that gong until I arrive." " What's it worth?" " Eh?" "I'll give you ten bob." "Ten bob?" "That's coolie wages." "Make it a pound." "All right, it's a deal." "Where are they?" "!" "Oh, just a rehearsal." "My poor Ferdinand, drink this." "It will soothe the nerves." "My grandfather always drank coffee the night before the duels." " lt is a pity he was killed." " Killed?" "Right through the heart." "I can see it all now - the tall pines cleaving the grey skies, the click-clack of their swords." "Click, clack, click, clack!" "Please!" "We're using pistols." "Sascha, Jacobus, sit down, I entreat you!" "I cannot stand it!" "You're wearing out the carpet just when I've had the walls painted." "Kicked out - me, a Podushkin!" "Ha!" "You at least got your luggage." "I am three samples short." "You're lucky." "You'll at least live tomorrow to get more samples." "Oh, I'm sorry, Ferdinand." "I forgot about this duel." "But never mind." "Perhaps he will only just shoot your arm off." "Thanks, that'll be nice." "is his courage not wonderful?" "That reminds me." "We must buy some of that notepaper with the funny black edges." "We can buy nothing until the letter arrives!" "Tonight we haven't even a place to sleep!" "But it is understood you can all sleep here... until the landlord turns us out." "He is very angry." "I said I would do something for him and I forgot." "I will speak to him." "He's acting like a child." "is it our fault if his wife is unfaithful?" "It should satisfy him just to kill Ferdinand." "Yes, you'd think so, wouldn't you?" "It will be better to speak to him after the duel." "His conscience will be troubled then because he has killed a man." "The things I've done for my thesis." "It is getting late." "Time our dear young duelist was in bed." "Yes, I'll sleep on the couch." "I may as well die with a cramp as well." "But no!" "Tonight you will have my Heidi's bed." " Sascha, help him with the bags." " But of course." "And what is more, tonight I shall sit on your bed and make funny jokes about nothing - just to keep your courage up." "Must we have funny jokes?" "It is a tradition. I must wake you at 4:45 and help you dress." "Yes, I can stand all that, but no funny jokes." "If it your last wish...no funny jokes." " Pete!" " Kicked out!" "And so he fell with a little thud, a bullet hole between his eyes." "Must we have the anatomic details?" "My sister was very sad." "She fainted when we brought his body home." "The driver charged us five rubles to bring him back - an outrage!" "Please, may I go to sleep now?" "It is early, but as you wish." "Take off your dressing gown." "I will turn off the lights." "Such a lovely dressing gown." "What wonderful silk." "Perhaps it's the last time I shall wear it." "Hush!" "One does not speak of the future." " lt is not in the tradition." " l'm sorry." "You did not know, but... if by some unfortunate chance, you should be right, do you think I might have this?" "Yes, take it." "Take anything." "Only let me go to sleep." "And now Sascha Podushkin bids you au revoir." "Good night." "It's been a good friendship." "Do you remember that petite amie we shared?" "Yes, she was false to both of us." "But I shall always be grateful to her." "It was the pangs I suffered then that gave me the idea for my thesis." " What a work, lost to posterity." " Ah." "Still, it's probable you would've never finished it anyway." "Not at all. lt was going very well." "Why, I'd even made some notes." "Look, four pages." "Cigars?" "How did that happen?" "I had them sent up to my room at the hotel." "I never thought of that." "Never mind." "You will not be needing these now." "Sascha!" "Forgive me. I am thoughtless." "You may yet have time to smoke just one." "Here, smoke it now." "Tomorrow you may not have the stomach." "Thanks. I'll have a cigarette." "Silver!" "Show me." "That was a present from my publisher." "I shall treasure it in memory of you." "And now I must go, for you must get some sleep." "You don't wear spats, do you?" "No, you'll have to buy those." "I have come to say goodbye." "Goodbye!" "It will be too difficult to get up so early tomorrow morning." "Yes, I quite understand." "Put the light out." "But it is early." "I have come to cheer you up." " Silk shirts?" " Put those down!" "Even the vultures hover before they swoop." "Yes, Jacobus, you are tactless." "Have you no soul?" "You are sorry what you didn't saw that first." "You dare talk to a Podushkin like that?" " Phooey!" " Phooey to you too!" "You naturalised peasant!" "So now we're getting down to brass cracks!" "You talk for nationalities, you who can't speak the proper King's English." "Who can't?" "And to which king do you refer?" "Gentlemen, Elephants, please!" "May I go to sleep?" "He's right." "We're thoughtless to quarrel on his last night." "Here, Jacobus." "Take the shirts." "If he's alive tomorrow, you can bring them back." "A shaving mirror!" "Why, I can see my face in it." "Yes." "Take it." "Take everything!" "Only get out!" "I've come to say goodbye." "We would say it tomorrow, but to get up at dawn... I say...those are nice pajamas." "No!" "And so he closed his ledgers with a bang, called you an ungrateful son, and chased you out of his hotel." "More or less." "I know these fat ones." "Soon he will repent." "I doubt it." "He thinks that all people who don't work come to a sticky end." "The old boy's worked all his life." "He loves work." "There are such people, but here we do not speak of them." "Penalty for infringement - fourpence." "Hmm." "And he spoke about you." "You know what you are?" "An adventuress." "But it is true!" "Everywhere I have adventures." "I remember when I was at Casablanca " "Nina." "I was never in Casablanca." "When I refused to give you up, it was the last straw." "So, he turfed me out till I came to my senses." "I will go and see the fat one myself tomorrow." "He'll like me." "Nina, you must promise me not to go anywhere near him." "I promise, Pete." " Not until after the duel." " Now, Nina..." "Now we must say good night to Ferdinand." "And remember to keep a sad face because he has only a few more hours with us." "Go away!" "We have come to say goodbye." "Oh, have you?" "Ferdinand, but you have been giving presents!" "This is touching." "What have you put aside for my Heidi?" "A bottle of Lysol." "My God, they're coming in from the streets now!" "Mr Ferdinand Foret?" "Yes, what is it?" "You wanted me to pick you up urgent at a quarter past five in the morning." "Well, we've arranged all that." "That's right." "Well, here I am." "What's that on your wrist?" "My, what a lovely watch." "You'd think a man would be on time for his own duel." "He's trying a war of nerves." "Soon he will be here, hoping to find you a nervous wreck." "Which he won't, for you have courage." "True, I always stayed in bed during the Blitz." "You're shivering because it's cold." "The sun will be out soon." "By midday it will be very hot." "Quiet, Otto. lt is very tactless to talk about anything that might happen after breakfast." "Are they not beautiful?" "My grandfather's." "It is said that this one fired the shot that killed Rasputin." "They are so old, they almost certainly won't fire any more." "Ferdinand!" "Oh!" "Ferdinand!" "But you have won!" "This is glorious." "Where is the dead man?" "We haven't started yet." "Sascha!" "You look so distingué." "I hired it." "Three guineas." "Very extravagant." "Oh, I don't know." "I could use it for the funeral too." "Well, that's different." "Morning coats." "I told you we should've dressed." "My principal is ready." "And it's about time." "He's probably a man who'd be late for his own funeral." "Ha ha!" " Sascha, please." " Forgive me. I'm thoughtless." "I should've thought my Marjorie better taste." "I've a good mind to knock you down for that." "Who's going to knock who down?" "Gentlemen, gentlemen!" "Such behaviour is not in the tradition." "You must not address each other." "Or if you do, you must be most polite." "In the name of my principal, I apologise." "Au contraire. I apologise for mine." "This is awful." "He looks like a crack shot." "It's nothing to worry about if you're careful." "You must be careful." "They shoot well, those little bald-heads." "It is well-known they practice and rifle ranges on fairgrounds." "Gentlemen, the moment has come." "Courage." "Come along, come along." "Choose your weapons." "Ah, that is a good omen." "It's the one that killed Rasputin." "Gentlemen, you will stand back to back." "At the command "march", you will advance 20 paces." " lsn't it 30?" " l thought it was 60." "But that is ridiculous, Ferdinand." "At 60 paces, it is almost certain you would miss each other." "Exactly." "Come along, gentlemen." "Get to your places." "Back to back." "Come along." " Do you really love her?" " Love who?" "Gentlemen!" "March!" "One..." "No, no, I cannot watch!" "Sascha, tell me who kills who." "..four, five..." "Stop, stop!" "You can marry her. I've decided I don't love her after all." "You don't love her?" "What about me?" "Gentlemen, this is no personal issue." "No personal issue?" "He wants me to marry his wife." "You must fight for the honour of the woman with whom you have trifled." "I resent the world "trifle", old man." "You will stand back to back and step it out again." "Honour must be avenged." "Wouldn't life with Marge be better than death with nothing?" "There's a 50-50 chance that you'll be the corpse." "Oh, gentlemen, you must face it out again." "Oh, it's a frightfully long walk." "Can't we make it six paces?" "Whatever you like, as long as you are agreed." "Anything." "Let's get it over." "Now, gentlemen, are you ready?" "March!" "One, two, three, four, five, six - fire!" "Hey!" "What's going on there?" " Good morning." " Good morning." " l wish to speak with the fat one." " l beg your pardon?" "If you will patient a little, I will remember his name." "If Madame would describe him a little more fully." "Well, he is fat and he is rich." "Also, he works." " Works?" " Also he owns this lovely hotel." "Mr Pyke?" "But yes!" "You are so clever." "Where do I find him?" "Well, at this hour, he'd be in the gymnasium, but..." "The gymnasium." "Thank you." "Thank you very much." "Right!" "Recover!" "Bend!" "Recover!" "Stretch!" "Recover!" "Forward!" "Touch toes!" "Recover!" "Turn!" "Good Lord!" "How long have you been there?" "But continue." "Do not mind me." "I like it. lt reminds me of the ballet." "How did you get here?" "And who are you?" " l'm Nina." " Oh." "So you're Nina." " l came to see you about my Pete." " YOUR Pete?" "Well, you do not seem to want him, the way you turn him out cold and hungry, his cheeks pinched and drawn." "What the devil are you talking about?" "There's nothing wrong with Pete a good honest job wouldn't cure." "And let me tell you one thing more - if you and the rest of your crooks don't let him alone, I'll have the law on you!" "Help!" "Help!" "Oh, my hat!" "You wicked old man!" "What have you done?" "Oh, stop it!" "Oh, you wicked old man!" "What have you done?" "!" "Stop it!" "Oh, stop it!" "Stop it!" "Stop it!" "Help!" "Stop it!" "Oh, my hat!" "That was not funny." "I'm sorry." "I must have switched on the switch." "You may help me down." "Ooh!" "Oh, I'm probably ruined." "It was not to jump up and down on your horse that I've come." "I can make a good guess why you came, and let me tell you, you're wasting your time." "What you don't know is that he hasn't got a penny." "And if he marries you, he won't get a penny from me." "Marry?" "Oh, I see." "You do not want me to marry your Pete." "Listen, my dear, the boy is all I've got." "Don't ruin his life." "He's not in love, he's only fascinated." "Give him up before it's too late." "But how can I leave him?" "Walking the streets alone in the world with no one to care for him." "He's got me." "Then you'll take him back in the hotel." " lf you give him up." " lt is settled." "You'll take him back into your hotel, and I will not marry him." "Bon." "Oh, my poor Pete." "He had such a nice smile." "Now, you won't be offended... you won't mind if I..." "you'll allow me, I hope..." "Oh, but you are sweet." "I would like £40." "£40?" "Oh, that seems reasonable enough." "That will pay the rent, the electric lights, and the men painting the walls." "They were very dirty." "The walls." "Oh." "Nina who?" "Cash." ""Pay cash"." "And for this you promise never to see my boy again." "But no." "For this I promise not to marry him." "To never see him again, I want..." "One little minute." "I want... £323, 8 shillings, and ninepence." " You want what?" "!" " £323, 8 shillings, and ninepence." " Are you serious?" " lf you want Pete back." "Here." "Well... I suppose it's cheap at the price." ""Pay cash..." and he'll be well rid of your kind." " There you are." " Thank you, fat one." "What the devil?" "!" "That is the exact amount my Elephants owe at your hotel." "You will please to send me a receipted bill, yes?" "No matter what they say, I like you." "Heidi, my child." "You're crying." "What in the world's the matter?" "There, there." "Come and tell the fat one what it's all about." " You said you liked me." " But of course I do." "You said I could work on odd jobs here." " That's right." "You are, aren't you?" " Yes." "Well, for heaven's sake, that's nothing to cry about." "It is. I'm working...and I like it!" "That's nothing to be ashamed of." "But what am I going to tell Nina and Sascha and the others?" "I can't tell them I like work." "It'd break their hearts." "Quite frankly, I wouldn't give you twopennorth of cold tea for the lot of them." "I think they're lazy, good-for-nothing parasites." "You're stupid and narrow-minded." "You're pigheaded and you eat too much." "Heidi, don't talk like that." "That isn't being fair." "Why should the Elephants work if they don't want to?" "They don't mind having no money." "Why should you object?" "It's the principle of the thing." "Now, let's get this clear - all my life I've worked." "I like work." "You like work." "That's because I'm the type." "I'm just naturally energetic." "But I don't tell everyone they ought to be like me." "Nature never intended people to wander through life in low gear." "They have a lot of fun that you miss." "You know, Heidi, I haven't had any fun for a long time." "Oh, my poor fat one." "I know your trouble." "Come and sit down." "You and me are going to have a serious talk." "Now, look here, Heidi " "No, you do the looking for a change." "If I didn't think there was some bad in you, I wouldn't be bothered." "Now, what gives you this urge to work?" " Well, I've worked all my life." " Why?" "Well, in order to live, of course." "You mean you wouldn't be alive if you hadn't worked?" "Well, I might be alive, but I wouldn't have made any money." " You made money?" " Packets." "Then why do you still work?" "Look here, Heidi." "You don't understand these things." "I understand more than you think." "But tonight you're going to forget work and come with me and have some of that fun you've missed." "Wait a minute." "Where are we going?" "To the Silver Samovar." "And if you'll pay me my salary, the party's on me." "Come on." "Nina!" "Where have you been all day?" "Oh, you must go away, my Pete." " You cannot come here any more." " What?" "But it is true. I'm very serious." " l have sold you." " You've what?" "I have promised the fat one I will not see you any more." "For this he gave me much money." " Nina, you promised..." " Pete, do not be angry." "See?" "These are presents for all." "And look...for you." "There was no time to put on the initials." " ln any case, I had forgotten." " Solid gold." "It is because I am very fond of you, my Pete." "I shall miss you very much when you go back to the fat one." "I'm not going." "But you must go. I have promised him." " Besides, I have spent all the money." " l trust you paid the rent." "No." "Do not scold me, Pete." "I know I have been wicked." "But it was such fun buying the presents." " What about the light bill?" " Oh, the light company will wait." "Oh, the light company will wait, will it?" "Well, no matter." "It is more romantic by candlelight." "If someone would strike a match over here, I've got somewhere a sample night light what burns in the dark." "Dark." "Everything is dark." "Then why don't you shut up and go to sleep?" "Presents for all!" "Come and get it!" "There." "The names are on each." "Otto?" "Ferdinand?" "Presents!" "Hello." "Are you a new member?" "You are very welcome." " Thank you. I'm afraid..." " Sit down, relax." "One does not stand in the Elephant Room." "Tell me about you." "I'm interested in all my Elephants." " Yes, but..." " Do not be timid." "What is the work you do not do for a living?" "He's a bailiff." "A bailiff?" "Well, never mind." "You may still sit there." "I'm afraid we must distrain on the chairs and furniture." "Yes, later." "For the moment, we must attend to our presents." "You have something to tell me, Pete?" "Yes." "You're going to marry me on Wednesday at 2:1 5." " Try to remember." " l will try." "Now I must see about the candles in the restaurant." "But, my Pete, when did I agree to this?" "You've got a bad memory." "Don't strain it too much now." "It is funny. I had decided to marry you for a long time already, but I do not remember I told you this." " Just concentrate on Wednesday." " l know. 4:00." "2:1 5, and I shan't wait after 3:00." "Oh, dear." "is Heidi going to call me Uncle?" "I'll instruct her to do this, but do not count on it." "It is terrible. lt is the end." "The fat one has told the papers all about our club." "We're on the front page." "This is bad." "But they can do nothing." "No, but the bridge is finished." "Tonight there's a crowd waiting there for me to drown myself." "Never mind." "We'll find some other way for you to kill yourself." "And that isn't all." "The waiters have left because we cannot pay them." "Oh, phooey!" "The waiters have left?" "This is serious." "What can we do?" "My poor Dumka, he cannot serve them all by himself." "Why can't the Elephants act as waiters for tonight?" "But, Pete, this is a wonderful idea!" " How did you think of it?" " lt just came to me." "We will tell the others." "Elephants, the waiters have left us." "So tonight we all help Dumka in the restaurant, yes?" "A Podushkin a waiter?" "Never." "But we will not make you hurry with the plates." "I know." "You may toss the crepe suzettes." "Ah, I'll toss the crepe suzettes!" "I'm gonna make pancakes!" "And can I light the flame?" "It'll be interesting to see which dish turns up most during the evening." "Come!" " The letter!" " The letter?" "!" "A registered letter from America." "My darling Sergei!" "It has been a long time, but I knew he would succeed." "Soon we will see his face on every movie poster." "I hope he remembers to shave." " Open the letter!" " Yes, open the letter!" "Why must we hurry?" "This is a wonderful moment." "We must now allow it to pass too quickly." "But what about me?" "I've got half Frith Street to do yet." "Well, go ahead and do 'em." "Pete, have you now heart?" "He rejoices with us." "For so long we have asked him, "Has it come?"" "And always he has to say, "No, it hasn't."" "He must share our joy." "You sit on your registers, Mr Blenkinsop, and stay as long as you like." "My Sergei!" "Nina, please open the letter." "How nice it will be." "Now we can pay the landlord." "And you, Mr Bailiff, you can go home." "But I don't want to go home." "I like it here." "For heaven's sake, open the letter!" "The suspense is killing me!" "All right, I will open it." "There is money in it too." ""My dear Elephants," ""at last I have broken into films." ""All day I have worked." "I enclose half my salary." "Sergei."" "Five dollars." "I think I should get on with Frith Street." "My poor Sergei." "He kept his word, and that is very difficult when one has only $1 0." "The restaurant is filling." "For the moment, we play Ochi Chyornye in the dark, and the clients think we do it for effect." "You'd better modulate into Song of the Volga." "But unless someone waits on them soon, they will begin to suspect." "He is right, Elephants." "We owe it to Sergei to help." "We must smile through our sorrows." "To work!" "Zakuski are ready." "There are no sardines, but you will understand how it is when the restaurant has to close down." "So you're closing down?" "Too bad." "Yes, it is sad." "But all the same, dear gentleman must enjoy his dinner." "Your borscht. lt is very good." "Nina made it." "She forgot the lemon." "Pity." " Crepe suzette?" " You are too soon." "Monsieur has not yet had his Kiev cutlet." "You must excuse our waiters." "Tonight they have not much experience." "I seem to know your face." "I will return." "I will tell you a secret - they are not really waiters." "They are my brave friends who have come here tonight to help me." "There you are." "Now say the Elephants aren't all right." "You can't help liking them." "They're infectious." "I admit I might like them, but I could never admire them." "Now you're being smug." "Do you or don't you want your crepe suzette?" "I can't keep running up and down here all night!" "Heidi, must I?" "Certainly." "You're here to have fun, aren't you?" "Crepe suzette." "You shall have the finest in Europe." "Voil?" "." "Perhaps if you lit it..." "Oh, I knew it I forgot to do something!" "A match, a match, a match." "Jacobus, do you have a match?" "But of course." "I must have left them somewhere." "Otto, you got a match?" "I am so sorry." "Soon you will have your crepe suzette." "Oh, merci, merci." "It's all right, boys." "Ha ha!" "Ah, voil?" ", voil?" "." "A match." "I have forgotten the spirit." "Never mind." "Our vodka is almost like paraffin." "Voil?" "." "Pardon, monsieur, pardon, mademoiselle." "Et maintenent..." "Voil?" "!" "Crepe suzette." "Oh, dear!" "Elephants, I have a confession to make." "I'm having fun." "If little Heidi was awake, she'd say, "l told you so."" "That's why I want to talk seriously to you." "Here." "Now, no one could call me narrow-minded." "You have your ideas of life, and I have mine." "I don't seek to impress my ideas on anybody else." "But if you'll humour me, you can all have jobs in my hotel." "Do I understand you to offer us work?" "You'll be surprised how the hotel business gets you." "You may not believe it now, but try it." "I predict with confidence that at the end of the a few days, you'll all be eating, sleeping, breathing the hotel business." " lt is decided we move in tomorrow." " That's the stuff." "Fear not, fat one, your hotel shall be filled." "I, Sascha Podushkin, have spoken." "Pardon me, dear gentleman." " What is it you want?" " l want the Imperial Suite." "The Imperial Suite." "Ha ha ha!" " Open that coat." " l beg your pardon?" " l said open that coat!" " l most certainly will not." "Then, my dear gentleman, I shall have to do it for you." "Oh." "Oh, dear." "What is the matter?" "What happened?" "He hit me." "But he's gone. lt is best." "We don't want any trash staying here at the Eisenhower." "But that was the Bolivian chargé d'affaires." " He always stays here." " What's one chargé d'affaires?" "Look at all the business we've brought you!" "Yes, I suppose so." "But I still don't understand how it was possible." "Ah, to an Elephant, everything is possible." "Look, read." "You put this in?" "Say no more. I can see by your eyes you are not pleased." " Get out!" " lt seems all this has happened before." " Get out!" " Useless to talk." "The river calls me!" "Goodbye!" "I shall probably sue you for that." "Well, Mrs Pyke, this is where we came in." "My Mr Pete." "Sascha!" "What has happened?" "A man fell in the river." "I had to pull him out."