"Très bien." "Le numéro de chambre, c'est vous qui l'avez." "Merci, monsieur." "C'est pour vous, monsieur." " Mr Globb?" " Globb." " Right." " I'm sorry I was late." " I was unavoidably detained..." " All right." " ...by circumstances beyond my control." " We're behind schedule, sir." "If you'd..." "On your left, the Houses of Parliament." "On your right, the Tower of London." "Left, Buckingham Palace." "Right, Piccadilly Circus." "Left, Trafalgar Square." "Right, Lewisham." "Left, the 'op fields of Kent." "And here's the seaside." "(SPED-UP CHATTER)" "Wait for me!" "(SPED-UP MUSIC HALL MUSIC)" "Everybody back on the coach!" "Wait for me!" "Wait for me!" "Everybody back on the coach!" "Wait for me!" "Hey!" "Wait for me!" "(SLURPING)" "(GLASS CLINKS)" "(TOILET FLUSHES)" "Everybody back on the coach!" "Wait for me!" "(SINGING)" "(SINGING)" "# Roll out the barrel... #" "Right, then, what's next?" "Tour of the Lake District, then lunch." "Still, time for a quick one first." "(GROWLING)" " (QUACKING) - (MOOING)" "(SQUAWKING)" " (BLEATING) - (GRUNTING)" "(WHISTLING AND SQUAWKING)" " (QUACKING) - (MOOING)" " How many animals have you got in there?" " Just the one." " (MOOING) - (SQUAWKING)" " It's a thing." " Oh." "It followed me home." "I didn't have the heart to send it away." "You know how attached you get to them." "Yes." " Is it...is it tame?" " Oh, er...up to a point." "(YAPPING AND SNARLING)" " W...what is it?" " What?" " What is it?" " Well, to be frank, I'm not quite sure." "I looked him up in the cattle breeders' guide." "He wasn't in there." "I looked in the "Standard Book Of British Birds"." "He wasn't in there either." "I finally found him in the "Book Of Revelations"." "(HOWLING)" "Yes. "Book Of Revelations"." "They, er..." "venerated him in ancient times, you know." "They worshipped him as a god." "I'm very fond of him, but I don't worship him." " (PIGLIKE SQUEALING)" " Oi!" "Oi!" " (BRAYING)" " Dirty thing!" "You'll go deaf!" "I think he's getting a bit, er...restless in the basket, you know." "I think he wants to have a little scamper round, go walkies." " Do you think I ought to let him out?" " No!" "No, probably not a good idea." "He might disgrace hisself." "Besides, there's the palaver of unchaining him." " Why did you bring him in?" " He's got a touch of the beak-and-hoof." " Beacon hoof?" " Yes, he's been off his food." "He won't touch his din-dins." " What do you feed him?" "!" " He's not particular." "He likes owls." " Owls?" " Yes." "Look at him ruffle his scales when I say "owls"." " (BELLOWS)" " Look at his little red eye glisten." "He'd love you." "Who's gonna have his owls when he gets home, then?" "(HOWLING)" "That's it, you see." "I'd like a litter from him." "Or a clutch." "Yeah." "I put him out to stud, but none of the other animals seemed that keen." " (SHRIEKING)" " Quiet!" "Hey, quiet!" " (CHITTERING)" " Oi!" "Shut up!" "See, that's it, he wants his din-dins." "And I've come out without an owl about me." "You don't happen to have an owl you don't want?" "No, I don't seem to have one about me, no." "Er...do you want that budgie?" "I..." "No, no, no." "It's not a good idea for him to have snacks between meals." " (SHRIEKING)" " Quiet!" "Could I borrow your umbrella?" "Thank you very much." "(GROWLING)" "(GRUNTING AND CHOMPING)" "(BURP)" " (GROWLING)" " Would you, eh...?" "Aaah!" "Aaaah!" "Aaaah!" "(SNARLING)" "He always gets a bit playful this time of year." " Next!" " Would you mind if I went next?" " He might turn nasty." " Please, you go on ahead." "Don't take it to him, he don't know nothing about 'em." "Come on." "Room for one on top, sir." "(FAST TICK-TOCK)" " Morning, Miss Armitage." " Good morning, Mr Armstrong." " Anything for me this morning?" " No, nothing at the moment, Mr Armstrong." "In that case, I'll just, er...dive out and have a coffee." "Righto." "We would now like to pay tribute to all those great singing groups all over the world, with this beautiful song by Alan Sherman." "# When the Norman Luboff" "# Chorus... # ...sings a song like this, like this, like this... # ...every single note... # ...is gorgeous... # ...but... # ...they sometimes miss." "# No-one's perfect." "# No-one's perfect." "# No-one's perfect... # ...and... # ...that includes... # ..." "Fred Waring and his Pennsylvanians... # ...and the George Mitchell Singers who were made famous... # ...by their frequent appearances on The Black And White Minstrel Show... # ...and the Ray Charles Singers, and the... # ..." "Morrison Steelworks Orpheus Choir." "# When the chorus sings behind you, # all they do is hum." "# "Hummm"." "# Every hum is like an angel's, # then one hum goes..." "# "Bummm"." "# Far above the other singers... in a tremolo ?" "# ...a soprano sings in B flat... # ...but the key is F." "# No-one's perfect, no-one's perfect, # we have learned tonight." "# So you'll be astounded... # ...when we hit... # ...this last note... # ...right!" "Mademoiselle, would you mind if I painted you in the nude?" " Of course not." " All right, thank you." "(MELANCHOLY GUITAR)" "(CHURCH BELLS PEAL)" " (CLANK) - (BELL CLANGS)" "(GLASS SMASHES)" "(WHISTLE)" "(GROAN)" "(GULP)" "(PLUMMETING WHISTLE)" " You'd better do something about that fence!" " Yes, dear." "Are you listening to me?" "You don't listen to a word I say." " I do, dear." " And look at you." "Always untidy." "When will you get your hair cut?" "I wish you wouldn't smoke in bed." "You drive me up the wall!" "Look at the time. 20 past 12." "Another thing I want to talk to you about..." "I forgot to put the rubbish out, dear." "There's holes in your grey socks, Sidney." "You've only had 'em since Christmas." "Aunt Edie knitted 'em specially on her holiday." "Oh, I dunno, you come home at night, sit there reading your paper, only open your mouth to put something in it..." " Oh, Montgomery, you came." " Of course." " Does your wife...?" " She thinks I'm putting out the rubbish." "(SPED-UP VERSION OF RODGERS  HART'S "LOVER")" "# Lover, when I'm near you and I hear you speak my name" "# Softly in my ear you breathe a flame... #" "(FAST TICK-TOCK)" "And they were your very best socks!" "Why you can't keep 'em for Sunday best, I really don't know." "I'm always buying you things, even with the price of everything today." "Only last week I bought you a new collar and a new pair of laces." " Yes, dear." " Now I'll have to buy you a new pair of socks." " I always like you to keep smart..." " Oh, I forgot the cat." "I won't be a tick." "But why you always have to go out looking like a tramp, I'll never know." "Take last Sunday, when we went down your mum's for tea." "You wouldn't put on your best suit, would you?" "Oh, no." "Oh, you're putting years on me." "I'm becoming old before me time!" " Oh, Mandeville, you came." " Of course." " Your wife...?" " She thinks I'm putting the cat out." "And another thing, Sidney." "Are you listening?" "'Cause if you're not, you better be." "You cost me a small fortune in boot repairs." "Do you know, I had to pay 13 and 6 to have your brown boots half-soled and heeled." " Yes, dear, I know." " 13 and 6." "Daylight robbery, I call it." " Are you listening?" "You'd better be." " Of course, dear." " And they were very, very good boots!" " Oh!" "I forgot to, er...make the cocoa." " You've ruined 'em." "They're a disgrace." " Yes, dear." "Why don't you clean 'em?" "Still can't find the polish (?" ")" "And the clothes line's been broke since last Monday week..." " Oh, Trelawney, you came." " Naturally." " Your wife." "She thinks you're making the cocoa?" " Of course." "Will you come back, O great white father from over the water?" "Oh, yes." "Same time tomorrow night!" "Are you gonna cut that grass?" "Do you know it's a foot high?" "And them underpants, I cannot understand how you keep wearing 'em out!" "You'd better get yourself some new ones." "(STUDIO APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT NAGGING)" "And as I said just now, you're gonna cut that grass!" "Do you know it's a foot...?" " Oh, Sidney?" " Yes, dear?" "Are you going to sleep now?" "Yes, dear." "I don't know what's the matter with you!" "Nowadays you're always too tired!"