"Dear All, you must be wondering where I have been these last few days." "I have been laid low with a sprained ankle, and I'm staying in the Royal Hunting Lodge in the Disenchanted Forest." "Do carry on with the coronation plans, and rest assured I will be back in plenty of time for the big day." "Lots of love, Prince Wendell." "Thank goodness for that." "That explains it." "That explains nothing." "Why has the prince made no reference to the Troll King crisis?" "Well, perhaps he hasn't heard about it." "A twisted ankle can be excruciating." "The Troll King has challenged Wendell to face him in combat." "Meanwhile, he's been killing 4th Kingdom citizens, and nothing is being done about it." "We need a plan." "We have a plan." "My seating plan." "The ceremony is barely three weeks away." "I need the prince for a fitting, and I need people to at least commit to a basic color scheme." "I'm worried about Wendell." "I shall go to the hunting lodge by the fastest steed in the kingdom, and tell him of the Troll King's challenge." "Jolly good idea." "One further thing, the Queen is still at large." "She has spies everywhere." "Nothing that is said here must go beyond this room." "Agreed?" "Agreed." "We must consider military options." "Otherwise, we will be perceived as being spineless in Wendell's absence." "Would it help to calm people if we..." "Summon my Huntsman." "Oh, we have problems." "Wendell's council doesn't believe my letter." "They have sent a man to Wendell's hunting lodge." "He must not return." "It will be done." "Yeah, if you were kidnapped it would've been all right, but, Virginia." "Oh, have I lost my one true love?" "Oh, please." "Stop it with the one true love, all right?" "You're some grubby ex-con." "You've been nothin' but trouble since we met you." "Don't talk to me like that!" "I'll bite you in a minute!" "You wanna dance with me?" "Because I've had just about enough." "All right?" "Sh, sh, sh." "Listen." "Halt." "Who approaches?" "Forgive us, noble Woodsman, but have you seen a gorgeous girl with very long hair?" "I haven't seen anything." "I'm blind." "A blind Woodsman?" "Have you ever seen a tree move?" "Tony?" "What?" "Look at his ax?" "Is that ax, by any remote chance, the Magic Ax that cuts through anything?" "Could be." "Oh!" "How much do you want for it?" "Yeah, how much?" "Oh, you can have my magic ax, if you can guess my name." "But your friend must kneel by this block, and if you haven't found my name out by the time I've chopped all these logs into firewood," "I will have his head." "What is it with you people?" "What kind of twisted upbringing did you have?" "You know why can't you just say," "Oh, that'll be a hundred gold coins?" "Why does it always have to be," "No, not unless you lay a magic egg, or count the hairs on a giant's ass?" "Do you want the ax, or don't you?" "Oh, let's just carry on looking for Virginia." "Oh!" "What?" " I know this." " No." "It's all right." "It's all right." "It's all right." "We accept." "Oh no, don't accept on my behalf" "No, no, it's fine." "No." "It's okay, it's okay." "I swear." "It's okay." "Very well, lay your head on the block while your friend guesses." "Just for Virginia." "Yes, I got it, don't worry." "Okay." "Oh!" "Just to make you secure." "I know this." "Don't worry about it at all." "All right, Mr. Ave-To-Look-But-l-Can-Chop-Wood, your name is Rumpelstiltskin." "No." "Oh, whoa." "I said, Rumpelstiltskin." "That's not is name." "Guess again." "Oh, Rumpelstiltskin Jr." "Rumpelstiltskin the 4th." "No." "Does it have a Rumpel in it?" "Please let me go." "I'm not involved in this." "I..." "Where's the dog?" "I don't know what you're talking about." "Don't make me ask again." "I think he's dead." "I think you're lying." "And you're not lying." "Is he hurt?" "You were dragging something on wheels, yet the tracks were too deep for the weight of just a dog." "What about the others?" "Will they come looking for you?" "They don't give a damn about me." "So they will come." "Will they have any weapons?" "Yes." "No weapons." "Uh, Tom?" "Uh, Dick, uh, Van Dyke?" "Cold." "Uh, oh, oh, Elvis?" "Elvis." "Frankie?" "John?" "Paul?" "George?" "Ringo?" "Ringg!" "Colder." "Way off." "Well, come on, look, look, look, just give me a clue." "Yeah, give him a clue." "What kind of fun could it be just to kill him?" "Yeah." "Quite a lot of fun, actually." "In fact, you could say that is the reason for my existence." "Sit." "I was born here in this forest." "When I first saw the Queen, I was still a forester." "She came to my village." "She stopped her hunting party to water the horses, then she called me forward." "She showed me this." "She said, "When this crossbow is fired," ""the bold will not stop until it hits the heart" ""of a living being." "It cannot miss."" "So, I said, "What must I do" ""to win this magic crossbow?"" "And she said, "Just close your eyes," ""fire wherever you wish, and it will be yours."" "So, I did." "The bolt the bow like gossamer, and sped a mile through the trees, then killed a child who was playing." "I remember the Queen's face as I pulled the bolt from my son's heart." "And she said, "You will be my Huntsman."" "So, you understand the hunt is my purpose and only pleasure." "I have no interest in mercy." "No!" "Well, how do we know you're not lying about your name?" " Hey, that's right." " Yeah." "I could have said it already." "You haven't guessed my name, not by a long way." "Long Way." "My name is in my hat." "I may be blind, but my hearing is excellent." "Move any closer and I chop your friend's head off." " You're a sick pervert, huh?" " Sick pervert." "You've done this before, haven't you?" "Hundreds of times." "And, uh, approximately what was the percentage of correct guesses?" "No one has ever guessed." "Ow!" "Your Majesty, are you there?" "Hello?" "Is anyone there?" "Prince Wendell?" "Who is this Queen?" "How can you serve someone that made you kill your own son?" "It was my destiny to kill my son." "It was her destiny to ask me." "You're crazy." "Everybody in this whole place is crazy!" "Whatever is meant to happen will happen, no matter what we do." "It is my destiny to kill you now." "Who are you?" "I'm nobody, I swear I'm nobody." "I Will kill you." "I have a little business to attend to." "We will continue our discussion later." "The Mad Axman?" "I told you, you'd never guess." "Uh, um, uh, uh, wait, uh, um." "Your name, it's forming in my mind." "Um, uh, just a second." "It's coming, it's coming." "Too late." "Now, I will have your friend's head." "Just a minute!" "Juliet!" "Hi." "Because you helped us, we will help you again, but this really has to be the last time." "You're such a lot of trouble." "Okay." "Please go and find my father and Wolf, and tell them where I am." "Tell them to come get me." "Bye." "Uh, who'd have thought it?" "Juliet the Axman." "Yeah, well, you know what?" "Is it any wonder he turned into a sick sadist." "I know." "Psst!" "You down there." "It's another one of those birds." "I know where Virginia is." " Oh!" "Okay!" " Where?" "She's in a tree that is not a tree, in a place that is not a place." "Ah, ah, ho-ho-hold, can we just stop with the rhyming crap?" "Take us there!" "Oh, Oh, Oh!" "Come on!" "Move!" "She's inside this tree." "Bye." "Wait a minute, inside a tree?" "How can she be inside a tree?" "Virginia!" "Virginia, are you up there?" "Wolf!" "Wolf!" "Oh, it's her, it's her." "Urn, how do we get in?" "There's a door." "Uh, all right, a door?" "Where?" "I don't see a door." "I don't see a door." "There's no door." "There's definitely no door." "Oh, if he's concealed it with magic it could take weeks to open." "Just, um, why can't you just come down and let us in from the inside?" "Well, he's chained me up." "I can't." "Can't you climb up the tree?" "Well there's no foot holds." "Well get a ladder or something." "Where am I gonna get a ladder?" "Hold one second, if this is a magic ax maybe I can..." "Oh!" "Chop the tree down." "Virginia, can I ask you a question?" "What?" "How long is your hair now?" "Uh, it's, uh, longer than ever." "It's, uh, no." "No." "That's a great idea." "No!" "I've always wanted to say this." "Love of my life, letdown your lustrous locks!" "Look out below!" "Close your eyes." "Wh-Wh-What is it?" "Dandruff!" "I do not have, oww!" "Oh, some people can't take a joke." "Oh, what a moment in my life." "My second opportunity to save you." "My story will be immortalized in song, there's no question of that." "Ah, I found another gray one!" "Ugh." "Tada!" "Ow!" "Be careful you don't trip over your hair." "No kidding." "Stay back, Virginia." "Stay back!" "Virginia!" "Virginia!" "Get the ax!" "Dad, give me the ax!" "Chop his head off!" "Stick it in his back!" "Anything!" "Do it!" "Okay!" "Agh!" "Sorry!" "Agh!" "Could somebody move this door?" " My arm is squashed!" " Oh, Dad!" "Virginia, are you all right?" "Yes." "What is this place?" "It's a bad place, let's go." "That's a good idea." "Well, wait, we can't just leave him like this." "You're right." "Give me the ax." "I'll do it." "Wait!" "We can't kill him!" "Of course we can!" "He'd kill us!" "That's not the point." "He's helpless." "Exactly why we should kill him now!" "Wolf, No!" "Agh, he's gonna come after us!" "I don't care." "We're not killing him." "Ugh, you're gonna regret this moment." "Come on." "Ah, ha-ha-ha!" "Hey, boy, welcome back." "Time for walkie." "Oh, hey." "How did the haircut go?" "Well, uh," "I think I might have overdone the ax trim a little." "What?" "I don't," "What Th..." "You just don't say a word!" "Oh my." "What did?" "What do you want?" "You are inviting trouble." "I'll tell you something, war is great fun when there's no enemy." "You're very stupid, even for a troll." "Wendell's kingdom borders all the others, they will not let it fall without a fight." "The other kingdoms will send in troops, and crush you!" "Then I'll kill them all." "I'm not scared of anybody." "Listen to me," "I will give you everything you desire, but you must leave Beantown now!" "Beantown's old news." "We've got control of every village 20 miles from here, and it's not stopping there." "I'm taking my half of the kingdom right now." "Wanna make something of it?" "I don't believe it." "That's Acorn's wagon." "That's it!" "That's him!" "We're going home." "Bring Prince!" "Okay, you talk." "Ah, Hi, Acorn." "Hi." "Remember me?" "Anthony!" "You got out of prison." "How, uh, unlikely." "Where's our mirror?" "Mirror?" "It belongs to us." "Was it valuable then?" "Uh." "No, it's worthless." "You've come an awful long way to get back a worthless mirror." "It's a magic mirror." "We traveled here through it, and we've been trapped in this world ever since." "Virginia, just..." "Look, all we want to do is go home." "We won't take the mirror, okay?" "We'll just use it to go home, and then you can do whatever you want with it." "I'm moved by what you say." "Then please, let us go home." "But I don't have it anymore." "I'm afraid I swapped it with someone in the village." "Not half an hour ago." "Swapped it?" "Swapped it for what?" "Wolf." "Wolf." "Wolf." "Wolf." "Do you think you can simply ignore me?" "I've changed." "I am no longer under your influence." "You cannot touch me." "Oh, really?" "It's a full moon tonight." "Your blood is already hot." "You are a wolf." "What will you do when the wild moon calls you?" "What will you do then to your new friends?" "I don't think we should go into this village." "This is where Acorn said the mirror was." "A wolf goes by his instincts and I don't like it." "I mean, this is farming land, and farmers don't like wolfies." "Huff!" "Puff!" "No, siree!" "Why don't we stop for breakfast, and think about what to do?" "You already had breakfast." "Well, then I want another breakfast!" "I mean, what are you my mother?" "You tell me when I can eat or not?" "Why don't you just draw up a list of things" "I can and can't do!" "We're going into the village." "End of discussion." "You can do what you like." "Virginia, please forgive me." "I didn't mean to be so rude." "It's just that my cycle is coming on." "You see, once a month, I get very irrational and angry and I just wanna pick a fight with anyone who comes near me." "That sounds familiar." "But I'll be perfectly, perfectly all right, if you just keep my away from temptation." "You know, I get like that too sometimes actually, but." "Oh!" "Look at those sheep." "Trollops." "Sheep out." "Oh!" "Mornin'." "Mornin'." "My name's Sally Peep." "I'm a shepherdess." "Oh, there's no question about that." "My, what very strong arms you've got." "If my door wasn't locked," "I'd be scared you'd come into my house, and huff and puff, and blow all my clothes off." "Mmm." "Where do you live, Sally?" "Okay, let's go." "Welcome one and all, to the second day of the" "Little Lamb Village Annual Competition." "Well, it's a new day today, and a new competition." "The best radish in the village." "Mrs. Morris, these radishes are beautiful." "I'll give 'em nine out often." "But the Peeps' radishes." "Well, they've done it again." "They're out of this world." "I've got to give them ten out often." "Come, Pete the grocer." "Come up and get your 9th award today." "Yes, yes, well." "The Peeps have done it again." "They're just best at everything." "Ladies and Gentlemen, in an hour's time," "I'll announce the winner of Best Cheese in the village." "Excuse me, could you tell me who's in charge around here?" "I am the village idiot, and I am in charge of the wishing well." "Do we have magnets in our pockets?" "How do we attract people like this?" "I don't know." "It's a nice dog you got there." "He reminds me of someone." "What's that for?" "That's the village's present for Prince Wendell." "It's to be his coronation cloak." "I hope he likes it." "Aren't you gonna make a with then?" "It's very bad luck to pass without makin' a wish." "That's money we shouldn't be wasting." "Oh, you are so prim, but my wish will change all of that." "It don't work." "Oh, uh." "It used to be a real magic wishing well, and folks they traveled from all over the kingdoms to have things blessed in it." "It's all dried up now." "It hasn't flowed for years." "I have made it my life's work." "As fascinating as your story is, what we're actually looking for is a mirror about so big." "Black." "We were told that someone bought it off of Acorn the Dwarf." "Mm-hmm." "I have made it my life's work to wait by this well until it fills up again." "What do you think of that, eh?" "It's no use." "The man is a complete idiot." "If only." "Now my father, he was a complete idiot." "I'm still a half-wit." "Everywhere is full, what with the annual village competition, but you can stay here if you like." "Might not be posh, like what you're used to." "It stinks." "It's great." "Thank you." "By the way, do you know of anybody that's bought a mirror from a traveling trader recently?" "No, ah, you'll wanna talk to the local judge." "He bought a load of things off that dwarf." "Prizes for the competition." "You'll find him in the inn over the road." "They do lovely food there, too." "Well, that's the understatement of the year." "Thanks." "Oh!" "Aghhh." "Oh!" "What's wrong?" "Dah!" "Cramps." "Oh, oh, I need to go to bed." "I need to lie down immediately." "Oh!" "Oh!" "I need a hot rabbit to stroke, to comfort me." "A long-eared rabbit is best." "Now!" "Now." "Right now." "You know, you're running a terrible temperature." "Oh, they look so innocent, don't they?" "But they're not!" "They're provocative, teasing, little fluff balls." "Ah, just look at her beady little eyes." "She knows exactly what she's doing." "Don't ya?" "You just feel really hot." "Oh, stop fussing' over me!" "Your not my mother!" "Stop mothering and smothering and cubber-loving everybody, like a little dwarf housewife!" "Go out!" "Leave me alone!" "Hey!" "What are you talkin' to my daughter like that for?" "All right?" "I'm not gonna take that kind..." "Wolf!" "Wolf!" "Wolf!" "I'll huff and puff." "Let's go see what that is." "You stay with me." "Come on, come on, come on." "That's the place for us." "Oh, this potato." "Mm, did you try the squash?" "It's absolutely incredible." "I know." "I can't, mm, Virginia look." "Tomorrow's competition." "Oh my God, Dad look." "The mirror is one of the prizes." "Sheep and Shepherdess Competition." "Hmm." "We've gotta talk to the judge." "I know." "There we are, my dears." " Uh-huh." "Is the..." " Oh, boy." "Judge about?" "The judge'll be in first in here 8 o'clock on the dot." "There's some more lovely vegetables for you." "Yeah, just keep it comin'." "This is incredible." "And this cider?" "I don't even like cider." "I've had five pints." "That cider comes from young Colin Peep's apples." "And the lamb was reared by my brother, Larry Peep." "Everything you're eatin' comes from us Peeps." "Best farming family in the all of the Nine Kingdoms, if I say it meself." "Well, you go right ahead and say it." "What is your secret?" "Oh, I suppose we're just good farmers." "Hah." "Mm." "Oh." "Start without me, why don't ya?" "Hi." "Oh!" "Shouldn't you be in bed?" "Bed?" "Oh no, I feel bounding with energy." "I feel full of life!" "Where's the rabbit?" "What rabbit's that?" "The one I gave you to cuddle." "Goodness me, I think she must have hopped away." "You've got an appetite like a wolf, you have." "Ooooh." "Oh, by the way folks, Judge has just walked in if you want to talk to him." "Oh, thank you." "Thank you." "Mm-mm-mm." "So, you can see, Sir, that in a way, this mirror really is actually ours." "Yeah." "No, it's not." "I bought that fair and square." "I buy a whole batch of things every year for the village prizes." "Urn, fine." "You know, Your Honor," "I know how these things usually work, so how 'bout I slip you a few gold coins?" "I'm a judge and I don't like people trying to bribe me." "Oh..." "No, not another word!" "Or I'll have you thrown out of the village." "Oh!" "You're new, aren't you?" "Yeah." "I can't get these sherpa tips undone." "Could you help me, Mister?" "Well, I, um." "Yeah, what is your name?" "Wolf son." "Wolf son." "Warren Wolf son." "It's my 18th birthday today." "Bet you can't guess what's gonna happen to me tonight." "Ah!" "Is it the bumps?" "What's that sticking' out the back of your trousers?" "Down there at the back." "It's quite a bulge." "I must get going." "I think I left a chop on my plate." "Arrrgh!" "No outsiders mess with Peep girls." "You understand?" "What are you doin' around here anyway, Mister Wolf son?" "Well I..." "Ahhhhh!" "Let's take him out back, and give him a proper..." "Excuse me!" "What are you doing to my husband?" "Your husband?" "Yes, he's not at all well today, and I must take him home right now." "Thanks." "Good night." "Good night." "Excuse me." "Oh, Virginia, when you said I was your husband," "I went all hard and soft at the same time." "I only said that to get you out of here." "Come on." "Oh, Virginia!" "I feel so alive!" "I can see everything for miles!" "Oh, look at the moon." "Doesn't it just make you wanna howl?" "It's sooo beautiful." "Not really." "My mama was obsessed with the moon." "She used to drag us all out just to watch it when we were cubs." "Shepherdess makes quite a mess, but little lambs are lovely." "The moon makes me hungry for everything." "Time to go to sleep." "Good night, then." "Good night." "What your step." "Not a bad place." "Boy, that cider was somethin'." "Ten pints." "Hey, wanna go for walkies?" "Look, yes, all right," "I feel guilty about what has happened to you." "All right?" "But if I got you into this mess, then I'll get you out." "Okay?" "Wait here." "And where's the birthday girl at?" "Why do you think everything the Peeps make tastes so good, Sally Shepherdess?" "I don't right as know." "Used to be that there was a magic well in town, but well's dried up." "Everyone knows that." "Do they now?" "Well, since you're 18," "I'm gonna let you in on the family secret." "Go on, boys." "The reason there's no more magic water in the village well, is 'cause me and my brother diverted the stream 40 years ago." "The Peeps have all the magic now." "Let's have a look at your sheep." "Ugly bugger, isn't he?" "Can't see him winning' you the lovely shepherdess competition." "What do you want in my magic waters." "Fill this sheep with your goodness and life." "Oh!" "Wilf, it's amazin'!" "Don't you never breathe a word to anyone, or I'll cut your throat." "Grandchild or no grandchild." "Do you have any idea what you do to me?" "You will never know love like mine." "I am your mate for life!" "Wolf, you don't even know what you're saying." "I know you're a..." "Oh, you know, do you?" "Ah, you know everything." "You're little Miss Perfect, sticks up her hand and can answer every question, but knows nothing." "You're pretending to live, Virginia." "You're doing everything, but actually living." "You're driving me crazy!" "Stop bullying me!" "I don't like it." "Now go to bed!" "Now." "Or what?" "Will you scream?" "That's what most people do when they see a wolf." "They scream, scream, and scream." "What are you gonna do?" "Stick it in me?" "That's what everybody does when there's a wolf around." "They stick it and they stab it and they smoke it out." "They burned my parents good." "Oh yes!" "The good people, the nice farmers, made a great big fire and burnt them both." "Hey!" "You're never gonna guess what I found." "I know why the Peeps win everything." "Well, he looks better." "Fine mess!" "Fine mess!" "Fine mess!" "Now she hates ya." "Oh, now she hates you." "Oh, because you're an animal!" "Oh, you deserve it, you're a nasty, nasty animal!" "Oh, nasty, nasty animal!" "Animal!" "Who are your companions?" "I'm not tellin' you anything about her." "Her?" "Oh," "What's she like?" "Is she tasty?" "You're evil." "You stay away from me!" "Look at the moon." "Then tell me what you'd really like to do to her." "And let the wolf out." "Hey, what do you think?" "Oh!" "Hey, don't scare it." "It took me almost three hours to catch it." "Why have you stolen a sheep?" "For the competition, the Beautiful Sheep and Shepherdess Competition." "No, no, no." "Yes, yes, yes, how else are we gonna get our hands on that mirror?" "I am not a shepherdess." "I'm a waitress." "I don't know anything about sheep." "You don't have to." "That's the beauty of my plan." "Well this sheep sucks." "This isn't gonna win anything." "It looks like it's about to die." "Well, it won't, once it's had a trip down the magic wishing well." "All right, you get busy making your costume." "I'm gonna go get it dipped." "My costume?" "Yeah, yeah, look." "Who would've ever thought these used to be curtains?" "Now, come on, hurry up, and watch Prince." "Hello?" "How are you feeling?" "Oh, not too good." "Everything's hazy at the moment." "I must fight what I am." "I can't even remember what I've done." "You better tie me up, that way I can't escape." "What do you mean tie you up?" "Tie me up!" "Stop me escaping!" "Which part don't you understand?" "All right." "Tighter." "Tighter!" "Tighter." "If I struggle I can get free." "Tighter." "What's the worst thing you've ever done?" "Tighter." "Or I'll eat you up." "Wolf!" "Wolf!" "Wolf!" "Wolf!" "Wolf!" "Wolf!" "Wolf!" "Wolf!" "Oh no!" "The chickens!" "They've been torn apart." "Kill the girl." "Nooo!" "Nooo!" "Get me the dog." "Do it!" "Due to the appalling chicken massacre this morning, we're bringing forward the Beautiful Shepherdess Competition." "The prize for which, is a trophy and this lovely old mirror." "What do ya think your doin'?" "You're not local." "You little goblin." "Don't you dare." "Wait, wait, wait, wait." "All right, all right, I've got it." "We're gonna do this right." "Hold on." "What do you wash in my magic waters?" "Urn, I want the same as you did for the Peeps." "I want a beautiful sheep." "Now, it's time for the well of fortune." "Now, we've got three contestants." "Good gracious me." "Well, the more the merrier, I say." "Ah, where's your sheep, Miss?" "Oh, he's on his way." "She hasn't got one." "I do too." "He's just in the barn." "Well go and fetch him, girl, and smartish too, else I shall have to disqualify you." "Now to start the competition," "I'm going to ask all entrants, as is the age-old custom, to sing their favorite sheep song." "Young Mary Ramley, will you start us off?" "Come on, Mary." "Oh, hey, hey!" "Dad?" "What the hell is that?" "Huhuhu, this is a mirror winning sheep, is what it is." "Oh my God, Dad, what sheep songs do you know?" "Um, Baa Baa Black Sheep." "No, she's already doing that." "Then, um, I don't know, just, well just pick any song." "Just put sheep words to it." "I can't do this." "There is no way I'm gonna win this thing." "Virginia, listen to your father, if you ever want to go home again, do what you need to do to win this competition." "Agh!" "And now contestant number three." "Girls will be girls." "Sing it!" "I will keep it under control." "Oh, oh, time to kill." "Time to kill, oh, that's what I've got." "Oh, nice day, nothin' to do." "Oh, ah." "No!" "No!" "I am serene." "I am calm and serene." "I am very, very serene." "Oh!" "I am very, very serenely hungry." "Three beautiful girls, and three beautiful lambs." "This is the hardest competition to judge so far, by a long shot." "I give Mary eight out often, and a well-earned third place." "Oh, these lambs are so beautiful." "How do I make a decision?" "I've got to give Sally Peep ten out often." "But then," "I also have to give Virginia Lewis ten out often as well." "A tie?" "We can't have a tie!" "Someone has to win." "I have to win." "Peeps always win." "How about you get a trophy and I get the mirror?" "They're both mine." "She shouldn't even be allowed to take part." "It's not fair!" "Why are you givin' an outsider ten out often?" "She's a dirty cheat." "Give the prize to my girl." "Back off, back off, I said!" "Now look, this is a shepherdess competition." "We'll set up an obstacle course, and whoever guides her sheep into the pen in the shortest time, is the winner." "Using only sheep dogs and commands." "Sound fair enough?" "Yeah, all right." "No, I don't have a sheep dog." "'Spect I'll win then, won't I?" "Damn, damn, where am I gonna find a sheep dog?" "Excuse me." "Just be, please, all right, I'm trying to think here." "You've got a dog." "I don't have a, oh, that dog?" "You know what?" "I don't know if you've noticed, but that dog," "that's it." "You're an absolute genius." "Virginia, stall, stall!" "Magic wishing well, please use your magic, whatever, water to bring back to life this poor dog trapped in a gold body." "Oh no, not you again." "Each girl stances into the village and can only use her shepherding skills with her dog." "Are you ready, Sally?" "Starting now!" "Corning up to thirty!" "Okay, let it have worked," "God, please, let one thing have gone right." "Oh no." "It didn't work." "What?" "Pen's closed." "Done in a splendid count of 85." "Prince, come on." "Come on, boy, come on, come on." "Oh-oh-oh look, look!" "Prince, Prince fetch." "Oh, yes, yes." "Yes!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Welcome back, Princey boy!" "Grrrrr!" "Ow!" "Why did you turn me into gold?" "I didn't mean, it was a heat of the moment kind of thing." "I was trying to protect you from those trolls." "Ah, you really are the most incompetent manservant," "I've ever had." "You are a complete imbecile." "What are you?" "Prince, all right, I really need your help here, okay?" "Time starts now!" "Come on, lamb!" "Come on, lamb!" "Come on!" "Come on!" "Come on!" "Come here, lamb!" "Come on, lamby!" "Come on, lamb!" "Come on, lamb!" "Come here, lamby!" "Come on!" "Come on!" "Going up to 30." "Come here, lamb, come on, come on!" "Come on, lamby, come on!" "Come on!" "Ahhh, tough luck." "Ah, geez, Sally is the winner." "Corning up to 50." "Come along, Pinky, hurry up." "That's it, stupid little sheep, hurry up." "Where did he come from?" "Go, Prince, go!" "Comes to 70!" "Hurry up, or I'll bite you." "Get in the pen, you disgusting little woolly jumper." "Here comes 80!" " One, two, three!" " Pen's closed!" "Virginia the Shepherdess is this year's winner." "No!" "No!" "No!" "I never thought I'd see the day when a Peep got beat." "Come and get your prize, lass." "No!" "No!" "Thank you very, very much." "It was a team effort, no one person could do it." "Bye-bye." "You lied to me, Wilf." "You said I couldn't fail to win." "That little weaks, must have got in our well somehow." "It's the only explanation." "You've made me look a fool in front of the whole village." "I'm gonna make you suffer for this, Wilf." "Come on, come on, come on." "How come it's not showing our world?" "I don't know." "I was talking to Prince." "Because it's not turned on." "There's probably a secret catch somewhere." "He said it's probably not turned on." "Well how did you get through it in the first place?" "I fell on it." "It can't be that hard to find." "I don't." "What's this?" "It's Central Park." "That's Wollman Rink." "Wolf!" "Wolf!" "Sally Peep's been murdered!" "Caught him red-handed!" "How can you get those sheep to decide?" "I didn't do nothin'." "Oh, Virginia!" "Virginia!" "Virginia!" "I didn't do nothin'!" "Virginia!" "Virginia!" "Uh!" "Ah!" "Ahhh!" "Are you all right?" "Your Majesty?" "Mirror." "Mirror." "Find me a mirror." "Find a mirror!" "That man is an idiot." "He's causing me so much trouble." "You're dead." "You hear me?" "Next time I see you, you're dead." "Cease fighting immediately, or we will be overrun and we will lose this kingdom!" "Do you understand?" "I'm taking the kingdom." "Then I'm coming for you, you evil pig!" "To hold the Troll King's latest advance, he's ravaging the kingdom." "It looks like some awful disease." "Surely the trolls are not strong enough to seize the entire kingdom." "Well who will stop them?" "If no one else will say it then I will." "Where is Wendell in our hour of need?" "Where is he?" "He was supposed to be performing prearranged acts of bravery before his coronation, and now there's a real crisis he's just run away." "He's not fit to be king." "Right that down." "Put it down." "Put it down!" "Sirs, forgive me." "I have the most dreadful news." "What is it?" "Viscount Lansky's horse has returned from the Great Forest riderless." "Gentlemen, we have run out of options." "We must accept military assistance from the 1st and 9th Kingdoms to protect our people." "The price of their aid, however, is indeed high." "The 4th Kingdom will be divided into quarters, and run be the council of the Nine Kingdoms in perpetuity, and Wendell will forego any chance of ever taking the throne." "No!" "No!" "I will not accept it." "I've been planning this coronation for three and a half years." "Oh, forget the coronation, Lord Rupert, we must sign away sovereignty, or lose everything." "Virginia, there's been a terrible mistake." "Look, Wolf." "We're going home." "Oh, huff-puff, you can't." "Look, we don't belong here." "No." "And whatever mess you've gotten yourself into, it has nothing to do with us." "Please don't cry." "Look, nothing you can say is ever gonna change my mind." "Ah, that's home, Prince." "Well, it's not home for me, Tony, and you can't possibly think of going home while you remain my manservant." "All right, let's get something straight," "Your Royal Dogness," "I am not your manservant." "Ah-ha." "So, did you break the news to him?" "Yes, well, sort of." "What sort of?" "Sort of agreed to represent him." "Virginia!" "I don't think he killed anybody." "That's what you want to think." "There's a dead girl out there." "It could have been you." "He is a wolf." "That's what wolves do." "That's the first intelligent thing you've said, Anthony." "Look, we have the mirror." "We can go home anytime." "Right, so, let's go right now." "Let's go right this minute before we turn into giant pigs, or trampled by goblins, or whatever's next in this mad house." "I am not going anywhere until I try to help him." "How can?" "Help me hide this thing under the straw in the wagon." "You never used to be this obstinate, you know?" "That's something he's taught you." "Well, somebody had to, didn't they?" "What are you wearing?" "What?" "I have no choice." "You have to." "You know, Virginia, you don't know anything about the laws around here." "As a matter of fact, you don't know anything about law at all." "Maybe I should have represented him." "Excuse me?" "Who got you out of the parking tickets?" "Who took the Polaroid of the broken meter?" "Virginia, this is a murder case." "Justice is universal." "Oh, it's no good, it's no good." "We've lost already, my creamy counsel." "The local jury is certain to be biased against me." "Now that is what I don't want to hear." "Negative thinking." "Any jury can be swayed, all you need is a..." "Oh my God." "All rise for the Honorable Judge." "It gives me no pleasure to sentence this wolf to death for the terrible crime..." "Objection, Your Honor!" "We haven't heard any evidence yet." "Oh, all right, well then move it along." "Nice and brisk, eh?" "Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury." "Ewes and Rams." "Before you leave this courtroom today," "I will not only have proved my client's innocence beyond any reasonable doubt." "OW!" "But also unmasked the real killer." "Just a pot of lemon tea and a slice of Rosie Peep's ginger cake." "Thank you." "Look at this poor man before you." "Is he a wolf?" "No!" "But he is a stranger, and stranger equals wolf, and wolf equals killer." "Is that what we're saying?" "Very well put." "Now to the sentencing." "You Honor, I'm only just beginning." "I would like to call my first witness." "Wilfred Peep." "You saw my client running away from the scene of the crime." "Is that right?" "Clear as daylight, it was him." "No doubt about it." "Now jam!" "Burn him!" "Burn him!" "I'm wondering if you can read this." "Of course I can, it says," "No trespassing' according to..." "Thank you." "I wonder Mr. Peep, if you can read it now." "At the same distance you say you clearly saw my client running away from the murder scene." "According to Little Lamb Village council ruling number seven-one-four B, by law twenty-one A." "No further questions, thank you." "Oh, cripes!" "Oh." "We gotta do something to help him." "He's a wolf." "What do you expect?" "He's only done exactly what I said he'd do all along." "Well, Virginia believes in him." "And I believe in Virginia." "Nothing you can say will make me help him." "You wanna eat tonight?" "Miss Peep, what is your profession?" "I'm a shepherdess." "Oh, a shepherdess, or temptress?" "Oh yeah, temptress." " She's a temptress." " I'm a good girl." "That wolf came up to us girls, and he kept tryin' to touch us." "And show us his tail." "Oh!" "That'a lie!" "They provoked me." "Provoked you to what?" "P-p-p-provoked me to nothing, but they sure were tryin'." "Miss Peep!" "Miss Peep, I suggest that you and Sally Peep were the easiest shepherdesses in town." "Are you suggesting that an innocent young girl from this village might kiss a man before she's married?" "Well, a bit more than that, Your Honor." "Oh, you try my patience." "You are just this far from being thrown on the bonfire with that filthy murdering wolf." "Come on, what can you smell?" "Your body odor." "Go on, you haven't even tried." "Go on, see what you can smell." "Why don't you get down on all fours and see what you can smell." "It's mainly feet and excrement at ground level, had that ever occurred to you?" "Can you pick up a scent?" "There's hundreds of scents." "Well, yes, but only a great hunting Prince, like yourself, could distinguish that special scent we're looking for." "Correct." "You got it?" "Let's go!" "How would you describe Sally Peep?" "Objection!" "Sally?" "Very cute." "Oh, succulent." "Nice girl, a very tasty little birdie, no mistake." "Nice enough to eat?" "' Oh, yes!" "What?" "He's shamming' us." "No!" "No, uh, I didn't mean that." "She was asking for it, is that what you're sayin'?" "She was begging for it." "I mean, she was gagging' for it." "No, no, no, I just meant that some of these girls are very provocative." "They know that a wolf, well, it's like thrusting a steak in front of a starving man." "Is it indeed?" "Oh, no!" "I didn't mean that either." "See, I'm twisting everything I'm saying!" "He's suffering from post menstrual tension, Your Honor." "Post menstratense, pe, whatever it is." "The night before the murder, there was a hen house homicide resulting in the death often chickens." "Anything to do with you?" "No, Sir." "You didn't kill those chickens?" "No, Sir!" "You didn't go near the hen house?" "Absolutely not, Sir." "Then how do you explain this?" "That is a piece of your shirt recovered from inside the Peep's chicken coop." "Oh, the chickens!" "Let me think." "Yes, yes, I might've eaten all the chickens." "And then you killed Sally Peep." "Oh!" "A couple of drumsticks doesn't make me a killer." "I had chicken for dinner, I admit it, but I didn't touch no girl!" "I swear!" "Then why did you lie?" "Yes, why did you lie?" "Because if I said yes to the chickens, then you're gonna think I wolfed down the girl as well." "That is exactly what we think." "But I didn't do it!" "I didn't do it!" "Virginia, I swear!" "Of course you didn't!" "Of course he didn't do it!" "Of course he didn't do it!" "But if he didn't kill Sally Peep, then who did?" "Who did?" "I hear myself asking, myself," "because the time has come for me to point the finger at the real killer." "Because, because last night there was another man walking around dressed as a wolf." "Yes!" "The man in the wolf mask is the real killer." "And that murdering piece of filth is the one that should be on this witness stand now." "The honor of playing the wolf in the annual fair, has always gone to an unimpeachable member of our society." "I don't care, bring this sleazebag in." "Let me cross-examine him, and I guarantee we'll have our murderer." "And when that honor was bestowed on me last week." "I was only too happy to accept." "I'm most dreadfully sorry, Your Honor." "Ah-ha, the Peep's barn." "Listen I, come here, come here." "I've been here, all right?" "I know about the well." "This is where she came from." "She was here just before she was murdered." "I can smell her here." "Members of the jury, you have heard the evidence, most of it quite ridiculous." "Some of it." "Now those who believe him innocent all go into the left-hand pen." "Those who know him to be guilty go into the right-hand pen." "The right-hand pen is full of food." "Yeah, it's full of food!" "Oh, Gypsy was right." "A girl dead, a wolf burns." "Oh!" "So what, if this is where Sally came from?" "I don't know what you expect to find." "The well." "Somebody's destroyed the magic well." "Who would'v..." "Shh!" "I'm getting a new scent." "I think there's something important here." "By a unanimous verdict, I pronounce you guilty" " of murder most heinous." " No, no!" "I sentence you to be burned at the stake." "Let's do it right away before the Marvelous Melon Contest." "No!" "Objection, Your Honor!" "That is not fair!" "Wolf!" "No!" "I didn't do it!" "I didn't do it!" "You cannot do this!" "You haven't given him a fair trial." "Virginia, I want you to remember me all nicely forever." "Seems only right that family should do it, Wilf." "I'll burn him." "You can't do this!" "No!" "Wait!" "Stop!" "Stop!" "Stop!" "Stop!" "Wolf did not kill Sally Peep, and I can prove it." "Oh, he'll say anything." "No, no!" "listen to me." "The Peep family has cheated you for years." "They have their own magic well, and they stopped the rest of you from getting" " any of the water." " It's a lie!" "When Sally Peep lost the competition, she wrecked your well." "Didn't she, Wilfred?" "You found out what she did." "You followed her up into the fields, and you killed her, didn't you?" "I don't know what you're talkin' about." "We don't have no magic well." "Why do you think they've one the competitions year after year?" "Why do you think their food tastes so much better than yours?" "I believe him!" "You Peeps have cheated us for too long." "Oh, where's the proof to any of this?" "Prove that I killed Sally." "Yes, go on, prove it!" "Yeah, that's right, prove it!" "Where's your coat, Wilfred?" "The one you were wearing last night." "It's the dog!" "He's got Will's coat." "Blood!" "Look, blood!" "Oh my God, it's blood!" "Poor, Sally, she wasn't yelling wolf at all, was she, Wilfred?" "She was screaming your name." "Wilf!" "Wilf!" "She'd ruined the well." "Dirty little vixen." "It destroyed all of us." "You killed our Sally?" "Oh, oh, my three friends!" "How can I ever thank you enough?" "You saved my bacon!" "Oh, thanks old chap." "Oh, I owe you a very big bone!" "I'm actually disgusted that you're still with us." "You repulse me." "Why did I have to save your life?" "Oh, yes, from now on we are friends for life." "And as for you, Virginia, what a courtroom drama!" "So, um, are you cured now?" "Oh, completely, back to my old self." "Yeah?" "I can't remember much about it, to tell you the truth, but I do remember that you and Tony both laid down your lives for me." "It was the most amazing thing." "So dramatic." "Wha?" "What happened to the wagon?" "And our mirror?" "Oh, my son John, he's just takin' his pigs to market." "Left a couple of hours ago." "Oh, which way and how far?" "Well, it's not a journey you'd wanna make on foot." "Told ya I didn't do it." "Did you enjoy your stay in our village?" "Not exactly." "Wish I could remember who that dog reminds me of." "Let me make a suggestion." "Prince Wendell, your ruler." "Prince Wendell?" "Don't be so daft." "No, it was a puppy I once knew called Mr. Fleas." "Ah, splendid, Mr. Fleas." "Anthony can we leave this village?" "One idiot in our group is quite enough." "Let's go." "Aren't you gonna make a wish then?" "Why don't you make it for us?" "Bye." "It sounds like our well's getting some water back in it." "Oh, JOY!" "Oh, yea!" "Oh, yea!" "The water's back on!" "Finally!" "I am a complete idiot!" "Ask yourself these questions." "Do you frequently conceal your emotions?" "Do you feel like you do everything for other people and then resent it?" "Everyday in every way," "I am becoming a new and better man." "I'm on the final page of the final chapter of my final book." "I now totally understand women, top to bottom." "I have perfected a technique of not looking at her all the time." "It's been very difficult, but I think I've succeeded." "I am listening to my emotions and I am at one with myself." "Hang on, I haven't finished that page yet." "Turn back." "I've managed to stop my tongue from lolling when she arouses me." "I've transformed myself into a new man and soon she will be mine." "Where exactly are we?" "We have entered the most romantic town in the whole of the Nine Kingdoms, the Kissing Town, where everyone falls in love." "Truly, fate has led us here." "Dream on." "You'll see." "Yeah, well we didn't come here for that." "We came for the mirror, all right?" "Hello, I've been looking for you all day." "I can see love and fortune coming your way." " Well." " Well, it's slice the fruitcake time again." "Dad." "Great romance, great love, before this very night is out." "Ah, which one of us breaks the money?" "Your aura is cloudy." "Just give me a couple of coins." "A couple?" "Ah, it's the old cloudy aura bit." "What are you doing?" "Ah, you have such a soft touch." "Yes, soft, sensuous , creamy touch." "Now, if you look over there, you might find what you're looking for." "Good bye." "Wait, look, look, that's the pig wagon." "The one the mirror was in." "It was, wasn't it?" "How did she know that?" "Yeah, come on, come on., come on." "There's nothin'." "Oh, is this yours?" "Where's our mirror?" "I didn't know it was yours, now did I?" "Where is it?" "You wouldn't want it now anyway, it's covered in pig filth." "Where is it?" "I don't rightly know." "What?" "Fellow gave me five coppers for it this mornin'." "Five coppers?" "What fella?" "I don't know." "Passing threw with a wheelbarrow full of bricky-brack." "Probably comin' from the antiques market." "Bricky?" "You'll never find it now, Anthony." "We're not..." "This place is full of old things." "You'd do best to split up." "Yeah." "Shame you won't have any time for romance though." "Bricky-brack." "Bricky-brack, bricky-brack." "You know something?" "I'll tell you, your trouble is that you've not had to do a hard day's work your entire life." "What would you know about the suffering of royalty?" "You seem to have been some kind of cleaner in your world." "Y-y-yeah, what's wrong with that, all right?" "Nothing shameful about cleaning." "And I had money once." "You know that?" "I was rich." "You?" "Rich?" "Yes, yes, I had a thriving plastics business." "I was makin' 55 grand a year when I was 21 years old." "Ah, so let me guess, you lost it all?" "No, I just kind of overstretched myself." "I put all my money into an idea that just didn't pan out." "And what was that?" "Bouncy castles." "We had the Robin and Maid Marian, Jolly Jester, the Haunted Castle." "You know, we had the Cowboy and Indian Bouncer, one of our most popular items." "And then the zigzag Bouncer, our motto was, "Put the Bounce Back in Your Life."" "Ah, please stop, Anthony." "Oh, no, it can't be." "The trolls." "Not a very attractive work, I'll grant you, but full of vitality and life, frozen rage." "Does it tickle your fancy?" "Not even a little bit." "Actually though, I am looking for a mirror." "It's about my height, black." "I seem to remember a job lot of junk." "It's in there." "Wolf, do you really think we're gonna find the mirror here?" "I think we should get back to town." "Remember the story of Snow White when she swallowed the poison apple, and everyone thought she was dead?" "Mm-hmm." "Well, the Seven Dwarfs, they brought her here and put her in a glass coffin in the hopes..." "Here?" "That someone might be able to bring her back to life." "In this town?" "To the top of this very hill." "The Prince's grandmother." "Oh my God, look." "Is this the real glass coffin?" "I don't know what it is," "I just feel so good." "I don't know what it is." "We all do." "Everyone does in the Kissing Town." "Excuse me, excuse me." "That's it." "That's it, that's it, that's it." "Shh, don't attract attention." "Look at that, ten to fifteen gold coins." "It's priced really low." "Nobody knows what it is." "Don't turn it on in here, you moron." "Everyone will see." "Hmm, what do you think?" "Oh, what?" "This?" "Oh, no I," "I wouldn't even waste my time, just a piece of junk." "At first I thought it was a reproduction." "Late Naked Emperor, at best, but I think it's older than that, quite a lot older." "Maybe even early Cinderellan, and quite a lot more special." "Ah, right, so, Miss Snow white is lying here for years and everyone thinks she's dead." "Close your eyes." "Slow down your breathing, so your chest is almost not moving at all." "That's nice." "And all these handsome chaps come along, and try to bring her around, but none of them were good enough for her." "You know what I mean?" "Mmm." "And then one day, this drop dead gorgeous prince comes past," "and he stops and thinks," "Oh, what a quirky girl." "What a sweetie-pie." "But she's frozen, cold." "She resists his every call with her frozen countenance, and he realizes that the only way he can melt this ice queen is to massage the life back into her soft, creamy lips" "with a kiss." "Hey!" "Hey, hey, hey!" "Would you two stop clowning around?" "I found the mirror." "Come on!" "It was right here." "It was right here." "It's gone." "It's gone." "Hey, wait!" "Hey, hey!" "The mirror that was here, where is it?" "Oh, you mean the magic mirror?" "The?" "What a find." "We're all tremendously excited about it." "It's in there." "Oh, okay, it's in there." "Now it's five thousand?" "We'll never raise that."