"♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say" "♪ Good..." "♪ Good morning, USA" "Aah!" "♪ Good morning, USA!" "I'm telling you, it's like this big." "Well, I'd really like to see it sometime." "BULLOCK:" "Quiet, please." "Although I won my battle with breast cancer, it got me thinking, "Who will take my place when I'm gone?"" "In that spirit, I've decided to select a protégé." "Someone to whom I can impart all of my knowledge and wisdom." "Someone I like very much." "Dick..." "Yes!" "...would be the last person I would choose." "(laughter)" "You're always making fun of me." "Words hurt, you know." "Oh, Dick, get a firm grip on yourself." "(laughing)" "You'll be sorry one day." "(crying)" "Anywhoozles, please put your hands together for my real protégé, a man who served his country well, and has been loyal to the very end." "Pick me, pick me, pick me." "Agent Stan Smith." "Oh, my God, it happened!" "BOTH:" "A one, two, three, four." "(upbeat swing music plays)" "BULLOCK:" "Smith?" "Smith?" "Smith!" "Do you want to be my protégé or not?" "Yes, sir." "Good." "Hit it." "(upbeat swing music plays)" "What are you doing, Stan?" "I'm waiting for Bullock to pick me up for work." "I left my car at the office last night." "He took me out on his boat and we got wasted." "I'm talking boat wasted." "Oh, good for you, honey." "Yeah, I don't really feel comfortable asking him." "Sorry?" "You're asking to go on his boat." "No, I just said, "Good for you."" "And I told you I'm not comfortable asking." "(car horn honking)" "(gasps)" "Whoa, you got a Lambo?" "You know it." "That's the sweetest thing ever." "You want to drive?" "Shut the hell up." "(engine starting)" "I'm aroused." "Don't tell me, tell the car." "I'm aroused." "So is she." "Careful, she's a squirter." "Always make sure the tops up before you clean the windows." "Now you know." "That's how you mentor." "Did you guys hear about the new kid?" "Yeah, I heard he likes to kick people's asses." "I wouldn't talk about the new kid if I were you." "He just beat up a teacher for saying his name." "What did you do?" "What?" "Oh, no, no, no, that's from home." "My mom's an alcoholic." "Oh." "Yeah." "Mm-hmm." "We got to steer clear of this new guy, fellas." "Kids like us don't need bully trouble." "That's the bully the back of my hand is in the crotch of, isn't it?" "Friday, 3:00, I'm gonna kick your ass." "You'll forget it if it's not written down." "I know you." "Look at this dill-bag." "Quick, Smith, do that funny thing I taught you." "(both laughing)" "You dropped all your high-tech gear." "You nerd." "Why can't you ever just leave me alone and let me do my work?" "I don't know, Dick." "Maybe because your name is Dick?" "(crying)" "Oh, great." "It's Agent Crisp and his pack of goons." "Who's Agent Crisp?" "He's from Internal Affairs." "I've never trusted this guy." "Agent Stan Smith, can I speak to you in private?" "They go this way?" "Thanks." "My intel shows that you're Bullock's new protégé, which is why I'm entrusting you with a top-secret mission." "Wait, what's going on?" "Bullock has recently showed signs of dementia." "It's protocol in these situations to administer a full cognitive redaction." "Whoa, whoa, you mean erase his memory?" "The way you did with Deputy Director Milbrook?" "It's for the safety of this country." "And as you can see, Milbrook is fine." "Look at that smiling face." "There must be a mistake." "There's no way he's got dementia." "This isn't a request." "Bring Bullock to the old Lanceton Ice Factory tomorrow at 10:00 a.m." "That's an order." "(panting)" "The light went out in the bathroom." "I was so scared." "Roger, I need your help!" "There's a big, crazy guy at school who wants to beat the crap out of me." "(breathes deeply)" "I'm listening." "We're supposed to fight Friday at 3:00." "I-I only have two days to find a way out of it." "I know a guy who loves a good fight." "I'll give him a call, he'll take care of your problem." "Oh, thank you." "Wait, the guy's not going to be you, is he?" "No, I promise." "'Cause a lot of times when you say you "know a guy,"" "you're really just talking about yourself." "Fine, it was going to be me, but since you're making a big deal about it, I'll call somebody else, okay?" "Stop figuring out my tricks." "Aah!" "(gasps)" "My model plane!" "(horn beeps)" "Hey, this is a nice surprise." "As your protégé, I figured everything is an opportunity to learn... or something." "Well, perhaps the first deuce of wisdom I'll drop on you is that the CIA is back the other way." "Actually, I-I was thinking maybe we could take the scenic route." "A country drive." "In that case, do you mind if open the window and have a whistle?" "Sure, sir." "Whistle away." "(whistling)" "(whistling continues)" "That's the longest I've ever whistled." "That's the longest I've ever listened to someone whistle." "You know, Stan, I was going to wait until lunch to give you this." "I've never let anyone taste my signature sandwich... until now." "Oh, sir, I-I'm not really hungry." "Come on, take a bite." "I made it just for you." "Mmm, mmm." "Oh, man, that's amazing." "I'll text you the recipe right now." "(phone beeps)" "Sir, I just want you to know, these last few days, you've... taught me so much." "Please, passing on knowledge is what keeps me going at this age." "When I've got nothing left to teach, I'm done." "Just dress me up, give me a cigar and put one in the back of my head." "Then call my son and tell him you just killed his Daddy." "He'll know what it means." "Crisp?" "Stan, what's going on?" "I'm..." "I'm sorry, sir." "(pumps shotgun)" "I never should have brought you here." "Hold on." "Guys, I'm backing up here." "Cut it all the way..." "You got to trust me, I'm right here." "Keep it coming." "I'm looking at it, bring it back." "You got it." "STAN:" "Okay, thanks." "Smith, what is happening?" "Crisp said you had dementia, so they wanted to retire you and erase your memory." "Dementia?" "That's insane." "Wait, Crisp?" "That bastard." "He's finally making his move." "What?" "He's had it out for me ever since I stumbled onto a conspiracy he's involved in." "Conspiracy?" "Yes!" "He must know I'm close to finding evidence that'll expose him." "We have to get a hold of that evidence." "(phone rings)" "It's Crisp." "What do I do?" "You slide to answer." "Agent Crisp, I'm sorry, but Bullock's fine." "I'm not bringing him in." "Now what?" "Push "end call." Push "end call."" "Ah, I'm so sorry to involve you in this." "Hey, we stick together like Batman and Robin." "Except in the Christopher Nolan movies." "What is that guy's problem?" "He's quietly blowing the whole franchise." "(whistles)" "Steve, you seem pretty chipper for a guy who's going to get destroyed by Luiz Ramirez tomorrow." "Actually, Snotters, I've got a guy who's going to sort everything out." "That must be my guy now." "♪ Stelio" "Hey, it's Stelio." "I know this guy." "He's my dad's old bully." "♪ Stelio Kontos" "Hey, did Roger send you?" "Okay, so his name's Luiz..." "Ow, what are you doing?" "Oh, my God!" "Ooh!" "♪ Stelio Kontos" "Hello." "What the hell, Roger?" "Your guy is supposed to beat up my guy." "Oh, no, no, no, no." "See, my guy beats you up now and then your guy won't want to fight you tomorrow." "Bullies hate sloppy seconds." "♪ Stelio" "♪ Stelio Kontos" "♪ Stelio" "♪ Stelio Kontos" "♪ Stelio That's you." "That's him." "♪ Stelio Kontos." "I've got a safe room where we can plan our next move." "Impressive." "It's fun, I like it." "Listen close, Stan." "Several years ago, I discovered that a network of high-level, rogue government agents, including Crisp, were in bed with big oil." "They were working together to suppress production of a new device that converts everyday household liquids into viable fuels." "STAN:" "Whoa." "BULLOCK:" "I know, right?" "Civilians were killed, research facilities burned and all of the existing fuel converters destroyed." "All of them... except one." "And... it's... missing." "Your breath is warm in my ear." "We have to find that converter!" "That's how we clear your name!" "Lemonade!" "Um, Stan, men have been calling for you." "They said you were supposed to bring Bullock in." "It's a conspiracy." "They want us to think Bullock is insane, but he's never made more sense." "We have to go see Kevin Costner." "I'm sorry, what?" "Costner?" "I'll explain on the way." "Don't tell anyone we're going to Costner's." "And the lemonade?" "Francine, look at me." "This is... the best... example of terrible lemonade I've ever tasted." "Throw it away." "Kevin's brother Dan is a scientist, and, as you may recall, was instrumental in providing a cleanup solution for the BP oil spill in 2010." "Oh, yeah." "I remember that being weird." "Super weird, right?" "Anyway, after the spill," "Dan vowed to end our nation's dependence on oil." "His company developed the fuel converter" "Crisp so desperately wants to destroy." "If anyone knows where the remaining prototype is, it's Dan Costner." "Unfortunately, he's been missing for months." "(doorbell rings)" "Right now, Kevin is our only lead." "(doorbell rings)" "Huh." "Nobody's home." "It's a birthday card to Kevin from his brother Dan." ""A donation has been made in your name to the SPCA."" "What a lame gift." "A little too lame." "Jinkies!" "It's a clue!" "Are you sure?" "The fuel converter's at the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals!" "Looks like you and I are going undercover." "BULLOCK:" "Okay, we wait for the right moment, then we sneak right past the security cameras." "Sir, I don't think we need to wear dog costumes for this." "Now's our chance." "Go!" "Like this, Stan." "(barking)" "Find that fuel converter, Stan." "It's in here somewhere." "Hey, you're spooking the dogs." "And Angela." "I don't know what they are!" "Sir, I'm not positive Dan Costner's birthday card was anything more than a terrible gift to an incredible actor." "Oh, no?" "Ha-ha!" "You took a rabbit's water bottle." "Don't you see?" "This is the fuel converter!" "This is the device that will clear my name and change the world." "I want to believe you, sir." "(gasps)" "We're not safe here." "Meet me at my boat in one hour." "(cat meows)" "(growling)" "(hissing)" "(barking)" "What am I doing?" "I don't have time for this." "Stupid Roger." "I never should have gone to him for help." "Ah!" "No." "No, no!" "What happened to you?" "I got my ass kicked is what." "But I was supposed to beat your ass." "I don't like sloppy seconds." "It's true, I've been deflowered." "Hey... you know who's looking nice and untouched?" "The jerk who did this to me." "You should go beat him up." "Oh, okay." "Great!" "Let's go!" "(cell phone rings)" "Hello?" "I checked up on Dan Costner." "He's not the one that's missing, that's Kevin." "Crap." "And he never invented any fuel conversion technology." "Crisp was telling the truth." "You have to turn Bullock over to the CIA." "If you don't, you're gonna lose your job!" "Well, I'm not gonna let them erase his mind." "Bullock might be a little off, but he's not dangerous." "Ahoy, Stan." "I stole a nuclear sub." "Uh, I'm gonna have to call you back." "Ah, Smith, glad you could join me." "It's time for us to take out big oil once and for all." "No, we're not after big oil anymore!" "Don't you understand that?" "No, I do not!" "Come on, Stan." "We start with the Houston Oilers." "Sir, listen to what you're saying." "The Houston Oilers aren't even a team anymore." "That's what they want you to think!" "Set our course for Houston, Smith." "I'll put on some Midnight Oil to set the mood." "♪ Out where the river broke" "♪ The bloodwood and the desert oak ♪" "Smith!" "Ooh!" "Bullock is a threat to this country." "Bring him in at once." "I can't let you turn him ♪into a vegetable, sir." "I'm gonna take him out with dignity." "The way he wanted." "I'm sorry, sir." "Don't you turn off that monitor!" "Don't do it!" "At least say good-bye first!" "At the very least you owe me a good-bye." "♪ To pay our share... (music stops)" "I'll tell you, Luiz," "I'm ready for some sweet revenge on this guy." "That's him, right there!" "It's go time, Luiz." "Get hungry." "That boy you beat up-- he was mine." "You owe me blood." "(gasps)" "Stelio Kontos." "I can't believe I'm meeting the great Stelio Kontos from Klinko's!" "Oh, oh, I'm so sorry, sorry to disturb you at work." "See, it's this stupid kid." "He tried to get me to beat you up." "Yeah, you're gonna get it, man!" "What do you say we beat him up even worse than he already is?" "♪ Stelio" "♪ And Luiz" "♪ Stelio Kontos" "♪ Stelio ♪ And Luiz" "♪ Stelio Kontos" "They sound good, right?" "You know as soon as they're done recording this, they're gonna put it in a boom box and beat the crap out of me, right?" "Hey, I offered to take care of your bully problem myself, but you said not to." "You said find someone real." "Well, look around you." "This is what happens when you do real things, Steve." "♪ Stelio ♪ And Luiz..." "Smith, I'm-I'm..." "I'm looking for a message from Costner in this sandwich." "All I find is cheese, and beef, and cucumber, and pickle and mayonnaise." "No message." "Here's a message, sir." "It says I'm supposed to give you the best day of your life." "Really?" "It sure does." "♪" "♪" "Stan, tell me about the Costners again." "Oh, the Costners are wonderful, kind people, sir." "Oh, yes." "Yes, they are." "Tell me, do they ever mention me?" "All the time, sir." "(laughs giddily)" "They've invited you to a big party they're throwing." "Oh, that sounds sublime." "I'll bring you along and introduce you to all the important people." "Thank you." "But I can't go with you to this party." "Good-bye, sir." "(gunshot echoes)" "It's not fair!" "A protégé should never have to shoot his mentor in the head on such a beautiful day!" "Ah, who did this?" "(moans softly)" "What are you shouting about, Smith?" "Sir!" "You're alive!" "But... how?" "Looks like a CIA brain-scrambling device." "This is Dick's handiwork." "(chuckles)" "Guess he finally had enough of my ribbing and got me good." "I can't believe it." "You're okay." "Crisp doesn't need to erase your memory anymore." "He wanted to erase my memory?" "Yeah, but don't worry," "I wasn't gonna let that happen." "Fool!" "Your job is to follow CIA protocol." "That's day one, bro." "Did I teach you nothing?" "But he was gonna turn you into a vegetable." "You don't work for me, you moron." "You work for your country." "Did you let me steal an armed nuclear sub?" "Yes." "You're a horrible protégé, Stan." "I'm giving you the biggest demotion in the history of jobs." "I mean, come on, that's just gay."