"# You must remember this" "# A kiss is still a kiss" "# A sigh is just a sigh" "# The fundamental things apply" "# As time goes by #" "Jean?" "(Calmly) Hello." "What are you doing with my clothes?" " I'm collecting for Help The Aged." " I already gave!" "Already gave?" "One moth-eaten cardigan?" " I refute moth-eaten!" " Tatty, then." "The charity shop can't sell that!" "Who'd want to buy that?" "I'll have it back, then." "You know what you look like?" "A squirrel hoarding his nuts." "I'm just protecting my property." "They're things you don't want, that's all." " I wore this yesterday." " Oh, yes, so you did." "Well, you never wear this." " I do." " When?" " Every so often." " No, you don't." "I bet if there are theatre tickets in the pocket, they're for Chu Chin Chow." "Oh, have it then." "Have the lot!" "I don't want to take anything you really want." "Think of that before you ransack my wardrobe." "I didn't ransack it." "Look at the pile I'm giving." " You've got a bigger wardrobe than me." " Here you are, Mum." "Is that all?" "I don't think I've got much that the aged would want to wear." "It's not for them to wear!" "The shop sells the clothes and the proceeds go to the aged." " Oh, I see!" " You must've looked in a charity shop!" "Not really." "I always put money in the collecting tins." "I'd start looking in the shops now you know the quality of what they sell." " There you go." " Sandy, that's rather a lot." "Are you sure?" "Well, it's time I had a good clear-out." "Anyway, if I miss any of it, I can always buy it back." "Yes, at bargain prices." "You almost made that sound good business." " You know, I've always rather liked this." " Well, have it if you want to." "Oh, thanks." " That's good too." " No, don't start that!" "If we do, the stuff will all end up staying here, but in different wardrobes." "Jean's right." "I saw a blouse I really liked." " You're not in favour of this, are you?" " I'm for a good cause." "But we could save all this kerfuffle by having a whip-round." "There is no kerfuffle!" "Upstairs." "You can do better." " We'll sort this into two piles." " We've got two." "Men's." "Women's." "I don't mean gender piles." "A pile of what needs dry-cleaning and what doesn't." "Dry-cleaning?" "You mean we have to pay for dry-cleaning as well?" " Sandy?" " Yes, boss?" "Put it back!" "Use the boot, please." "I'd like to be able to see out of the back window." "You know the dry-cleaners I mean?" "Yes, but you don't expect me to go on my own?" "There's nothing to be afraid of." "You can't park near that place." "So if I'm going to risk a yellow line, I'd like to be in and out quickly." " I can't do that with a ton of clothes." " Judy and Sandy are coming." "I can't bear to think of you under a mountain of dry-cleaning." " Thank you." "Is this it?" " Just Judy's to come." "Come on, Judy." " (Judy) I'm coming!" " Are we ready?" "Oh!" "I like that." "Now into the car, into the car!" "The Congo?" "It's a wonder you got out alive!" "There's a civil war there." " We didn't start it." " They wouldn't take that into account." " We didn't have trouble in Libya either." " Libya!" "We wrote to the United Nations, offering to be goodwill ambassadors." " We never did hear back." " Oh!" " It is good to see you both again." " And good to see you, Jean Pargetter." "Tell us, what have you been up to lately?" "Up to?" "Well, nothing as exciting as you." "I've got a part-time job." "Lionel hasn't put you on the streets, has he?" "(Laughs) No, in a charity shop." "I just help out now and then." "Oh, which charity is that?" "Help The Aged." " Good show." "Poor old souls." " I know." "It must be awful to be aged." "Does young Lionel help out at all?" "Can you really see Lionel helping out in a shop?" "Not if you wanted to keep any customers, no." " (Doorbell rings)" " Help yourself to coffee." " I could do with a gin sling actually." " Well, sling away, Madge." "Oh, Harry!" "Come in." "No, I won't, thank you, Mrs Hardcastle." "I'm on duty." " I just wondered if Sandy was in?" " No, I'm afraid she's not." " She won't talk to me on the phone." " Well, I can hardly blame her, Harry." "Asking her to Jersey, then telling her it was a rugby tour isn't the way to Sandy's heart." "I still say she would have enjoyed it." "We won all three matches." "You're a nice lad, but you must put more thought into this." "I will." "Well, I'd better move on." "Incidentally, that Cadillac - anyone you know?" "Oh." "Yes, we have a couple of visitors." "They're goodwill ambassadors from the United Nations." "Why?" "It's in the residents-only zone and Beaky's on his rounds." " Beaky?" " Traffic warden." " He's what you might call ticket happy." " Thanks for the tip." " Bye, then." "You'll tell Sandy I called?" " Yes, of course." "Now that surprises me." "I thought your favourite would have been Scary Spice." "No, no, no, the little one with bunches." " Which one is she?" " Oh, Bunchy Spice?" "Move the Cadillac." "A traffic warden called Beaky's on his way round." " Now, how do you know that?" " Inside information." "You'd better hurry." "I'm not parking miles away for some silly man in a silly hat." "We'll sort him out." " You're not going to offer him a bribe?" " Certainly not." "We'll think of something." " (Southern drawl) Won't we, Lulu Belle?" " Oh, we sure will, Beauregard." "We'll tell those wardens who they're a-talkin' to." "Perhaps they're all unaware that I am Colonel Beauregard Dupree III, a senior senator from the lil' ol' state of Georgia." "I want no part in this." "Oh, I don't know." "You young people, you've got no spirit of adventure." "Beauregard and Lulu Belle Dupree!" "Some day those two will get put away, you realise that?" "Wherever they get sent to, they'll cheer the place up no end." "How can you take them so lightly?" "I don't." "I take them very seriously." "They cope with old age by simply refusing to accept it." "That's as practical as a small child covering its own eyes thinking it can't be seen." "I used to do that." "Did you?" "No, I didn't." "I sometimes think you must have been born with that expression on your face." "As a matter of fact, I was a very bonny baby." "This isn't about my bottom, it's about Rocky and Madge." "All right, what about them?" "Oh, what's the point?" "Nothing I say will alter the way they carry on anyway." "Well, I sincerely hope not." "Give me those cleaning tickets so I can put them in a safe place." "Oh." " Here." " Oh." "That's what I thought." " We had a good clear-out, didn't we?" " I know." "Well, you did." " And it is for a good cause." " I know, I know." " I mean it really is." " I know." "You don't mind me helping out at the charity shop?" "Of course I don't." "I'm like a lot of people." "I'm always thinking about helping, but putting the odd pound in the box is all I get round to." " Where with just a little extra effort..." " Sit down." " Why?" " Just... sit down." "All right." "What are you building up to?" " Who says I'm building up to anything?" " I do." "I may not remember dimples but I know when you're building up to something." "Well, you've heard me talk about Phylis?" " No." " Yes, you have." "Phylis Loader at the charity shop." "We were talking and she had this idea." " Oh, yes?" " Don't look like that." " Does this idea involve me?" " No." "Then it's a very good idea." " Not directly anyway." " (Doorbell rings)" " If that's that traffic warden..." " We'll say Rocky and Madge are out." "Of their minds or the house?" "No, let me answer it." "I always think it's exciting, opening front doors." " Oh!" " Good afternoon." "First of all let me say, young man, that my husband, Colonel Beauregard Dupree and myself..." "You don't have to do that." "I know who you are." " You do?" " Sandy's told me all about you two." "Oh." "Well, I hope you don't mind a harmless little prank." " So how can I help?" " I wondered if Sandy was back yet." " Hello, Harry." "She's upstairs." "Come in." " Sorry." "I can't." "I'm still on duty." "Oh, I'll get her down then." "And, er..." "I shall be unusually discreet and withdraw." "Sandy!" "Harry's here to see you." "(Sandy) Tell him we've nothing to say to each other." "Tell him yourself." "Come on." "(Sandy) No." "Oh, come on, Sandy." " Sandy..." " I'm not dressed!" "I am dressed." "I just don't want to see him." "Oh!" "Hello, Harry." "Come in." "Sorry, I can't." "Lionel's gone to get Sandy." "Oh." "Oh, I'm glad." "I'm sorry, Harry." "She says she doesn't want to see you." "Oh." "I see." "Sorry." "Well, thanks all the same." " Has he gone?" " Well, of course he's gone." " You said you didn't want to see him." " I know I did, but..." " Well, then?" " Did he say anything?" "Yes, he said, er..." ""I see." "Thanks anyway."" " And that was it?" " Yes." "(Sighs) I don't know!" "Ha..." "What's the world coming to when you say you don't want to see him and all he says is, "I see" and goes?" " Exactly." " He just goes!" ""Thanks anyway!"" "I sometimes think that we men are just pawns in the game, you know." "I know." "Wonderful, isn't it?" "Let me get this straight." "You did ask me to say you didn't want to see him?" " Yes." " Was I supposed to wink as I said it?" "Nobody asked you to wink!" " In future..." " I would leave it if I were you, dear." "Yes, just leave it, Lionel." "Now you're together, there's something I want to say." "Well, actually, I want to ask you something first." " What's that?" " This idea of Phylis Shooter..." " Loader." " Loader, then." "This idea that involves me, but not directly, I'd like to know what it is." "That's what I want to talk to everybody about." "I don't think that's fair, trying to get everybody on your side first." " That way, if I say no..." " Lionel, don't be paranoid!" "I want to talk to everybody cos I want everybody to help." "It's a team thing." " Nobody's going to run for the door?" " Is it compulsory?" "Of course it's not compulsory!" "I can't make you do things, can I?" "I think you'd better just tell us the idea." "Phylis had the idea, I sort of developed it a bit." " Oh, dear." " (Jean, menacingly) Lionel!" "She thought it would be nice if we gave a little tea party for the residents of the old people's home." " Where?" " Well, I can hire the church hall." "You said, "A little tea party!"" "That's where my developing it comes in." "I thought it'd be nice to turn it into a real party, not just sitting around with cucumber sandwiches and fancy cakes." "No." "I mean, these people don't go out much." "But I can't do it on my own." " So what do you think?" " It's a splendid idea." " The poor old things will love it." " Yes, count us in." "Absolutely." "Thank you." "Now, Alistair?" "When have I ever said no to a party?" "Music!" "We need music." "You can't have a party without music." "Ooh!" "I could bring my drum kit." "Well, that's a kind thought, Madge, but I don't think drums are a solo instrument, are they?" "Leave it all to me." "I've got a mate who's a DJ and also owes me one." " I can borrow his gear." " Rock on!" "You see, it's all coming together." "Now, Judy?" "Sandy?" "As I say, it's not compulsory, and the last thing I want to do is pressure anyone." "In that case..." "Of course you two have your own young lives to lead." "If you think you can't give over a few hours to some old people who aren't as lucky as you..." " We'll help." " Of course we will." "Thank you." "Lionel?" "I can't wait!" "Come on, then." "(# Jaunty piano ballet dance)" "(Hums)" "(Clears throat)" "Ooh!" "Oh!" "Look at that." " Oh!" " Ah!" "Alistair!" " Oh!" " You look wonderful!" " Thank you." "You shouldn't have!" " Who's a pretty boy then?" "Oh!" "Lovely!" "Good heavens!" "Testing." "Testing." "(Alistair) One, two, three." "(Screeching feedback)" "(Drowned out by noise)" "(Feedback stops)" "(All chatter excitedly)" "(Madge) I think we've done a splendid job." "(Jean) You go along to the hall and unpack that lot first." "Lionel, what are you doing?" ""Wrap the fairy cakes in clingfilm," you said." "Not individually!" "You could have saved me a lot of trouble if you'd explained that properly." "If I asked you to bring in the coal, you wouldn't bring it in lump by lump." "You don't wrap coal in clingfilm." "Now, this is the last of the sandwiches to go, isn't it?" "Yes, it is." "Do you think we've made enough?" "You've made enough to feed the whole of London." "And the Home Counties." "Nothing worse than running out of food." " You can laugh." "Wait till it's your turn." " Our turn to what?" "That depends how enthusiastic you are." " We are enthusiastic!" " Oozing enthusiasm we are." " I was thinking..." " Yes, you do have to come!" "No, all these aged people, what do we do with them?" "What do you mean, what do you do with them?" "They're just young people who have become old people." "They're not toys you take out of a box and play with for a while." " What if one of them dies?" " That's a cheerful thought." "It can happen." "What if there's an earthquake under the church hall?" " You're not comfortable with this." " I don't know about old people." "You make them sound like aliens." "You see, the only old person I really know is Rocky." " I hardly think he's typical." " No, there I have to agree with you." "But don't worry." "Just turn on the old charm and you'll be fine." "(Woman) Coo-ee!" "It's Phylis!" "Phylis, we're in here." "Perhaps it's cancelled." "Hello, Jean." "Your father-in-law said to come straight in." "I say, he's rather a feisty old thing, isn't he?" "He didn't do anything, did he?" " Do anything?" " Phylis, this is Lionel, my husband." " Hello." " Very pleased to meet you." "Jean said how enthusiastic you were about her little bun fight." " Has she?" " Yes, I can hardly restrain him." " He can't wait to get down to the hall." " (Phylis) Oh, yes, the hall!" "I popped in on my way over." "It's looking lovely." "All those flowers!" " Yes, that's Alistair." " I met him." "Rather a good-looking young man with a mobile phone." "It's like an extra organ, that thing." "Do you mean... he gets a tune out of it as well?" " No, I meant it was an extension..." " I know!" "I know." "That was a joke." "Oh." " I've got crackers." "Will that be all right?" " The bangs won't startle them?" "No, they love crackers." "Well, I must whistle off." " I hope it goes all right." " It will!" "Before you go, is there anything we should know?" " I'm sorry?" " Lionel's rather a worrier." "Oh, well, there's nothing to worry about at all." "Any trouble, just use the flame-thrower." " That was another joke." " Ah." "(Phylis) No, they're a lovely crowd." "Oh, well, now... you might just have to keep an eye on Mrs Thrupp, that's all." " Bye-bye!" " (Both) Bye!" " Well, you heard what she said." " She said they were a lovely crowd." ""All except Mrs Thrupp," she said." ""Keep an eye on Mrs Thrupp!"" "Why should we need to keep an eye on Mrs Thrupp?" " Perhaps she's frail." " You're clutching at straws." " You're jumping to conclusions." " No, I'm not." "Barmy." "I bet Mrs Thrupp is barmy!" "Stop it!" "You're turning the poor woman into a monster before you've met her." " Why "poor woman"?" " It's just an expression." " Come on, it's time to go." " Then why use it?" "I feel sorry for her, especially if you're going to watch her like a hawk." "Not that you'll be able to pick her out from the rest anyway." "She'll be easy to pick out." "She'll be the one wearing five hats!" " (Madge) More tea, anyone?" " Please." "Yes?" "Right." "Do tuck in." "There's plenty more." " Thank you, young man." " My pleasure." " It makes you feel like a teenager." " How long to go?" "We've only just started!" " Seen anyone with five hats yet?" " I may have exaggerated." "But Mrs Thrupp should be identified." " Tagged, you mean?" " This pot needs filling." " Well, off you go then." "Watch your back." " Oh, ha, ha." "More egg and cress, Mr Wellington?" "Eh?" "Oh, I shouldn't really." "I'm supposed to be watching my testosterone." "I think you mean cholesterol." " All right, well, that then." " Go on, be a devil." "All right, I will." "Thank you very much." "I think a sharp fork might be the answer." "It's probably my fault." "I did tell him to be a devil." "Well, all I did was offer him a ham sandwich." "I must say, Father, your tea's going down very well." "I'm not surprised, my boy." "Oh, oh!" "Is that wise?" "Of course it is." "Come on, Lionel." "Hurry up." "They're running dry out there." "They love your tea, Rocky." "It's all in the brewing." "The girls tell me there's a bottom pincher on the end table." " What do we do about that?" " Leave him to me." "The first chance I get, I shall pinch his bottom." "That normally does the trick." "Come on, Sherlock." "You've yet to identify Mrs Thrupp." "There you are, nectar from the gods." " Yes, not quite." " Mm?" "How did you know that was there?" "I saw it when I hid the bottle I brought in." " How are you doing?" "All right?" " Very nice." "This is a real treat for us, you know." "Good." "Erm..." "Mrs, erm?" "Phelps." "Rose." "Mrs Phelps." "Is there a Mrs Thrupp here?" "Oh, her." "Yes, she's here." "In the green hat." "Thank you." "It's wonderful what doctors can do." " Can I have a word?" " Oh, excuse me." " Mrs Thrupp is wearing a green hat." " Oh, just the one?" "I'm pointing her out!" " Well, don't stare." " Well, what's she done?" "She hasn't done anything." "Now we know who she is, we can keep an eye on her." "You should have had security cameras installed." " She doesn't look very cheerful." " Not wildly, no." " Ahhhh..." " Where are you going?" " Well, to talk to her." " Is that wise?" " Hello, Mrs Thrupp." " How do you do?" "(Sniffs) I'm 85." "Oh, and I'm..." "Jean." " Are you enjoying yourself?" " I've given it up." " Given up enjoying yourself?" " That's right." "I see." "That wasn't a conscious decision?" "No." "I found I just... stopped doing it." " The cakes will be here soon." " I don't like cake." " A cracker?" " Don't like them." " They get down the front of your dress." " Not that kind of cracker." "Come on everyone, pull a cracker!" "Come on, Mrs Thrupp!" "I lose." "No." "No, no." "No, look..." "You have the hat, and the present..." " And the joke." " No, thanks." "Well, I'll read the joke to you." "Ready?" ""A snail was mugged by a tortoise." ""When the police asked the snail if he could identify his assailant," ""the snail replied, 'No, it all happened too quickly!"'" "Well, you see, you know the snail and the tort... and the t..." "Will you excuse me?" " Miss!" " Yes?" " Will there be any cakes?" " Oh, yes, lots of cakes." "This one has a very strange texture." "It's all right, it's clingfilm." " Well?" " She's just a very unhappy woman." " Who is?" " Mrs Thrupp, the lady in the green hat." "She says she's given up enjoying herself." " That's a sad thing to say." " Isn't it?" " Why don't you try, Rocky?" " Mm?" "Try what?" "To cheer up Mrs Thrupp." "You're good at cheering people up." "Yes, go on." "Have a go at it at least, Rocky." "Have a go." "All right, I'll have a bash." "I think we've earned a sit-down." "Cakes first." "I hope you've taken the clingfilm off." "(Groans)" "Come on, come on." "Plain or fancy, Mrs Dodds?" "I don't mind which way they come, like men." "Yes." "(Chatters and guffaws)" " No joy then?" " Not with her." "My God, she's a miserable old bat." "Perhaps music will cheer her up." "Alistair?" " I like these old guys." " Good." "Would you slip into DJ mode now?" "Chris Evans, eat your heart out!" "Oh." "Would you?" "Thanks." "OK, swingers, let's fill the floor with those dancing feet!" "(# Orchestra plays introduction to God Save The Queen)" " (Music stops)" " Sorry, that's for much later." "Now, let's make the most of those hip replacements as we play YMCA." " (Music blaring)" " YMCA?" "# At the Y-M-C-A" "# It's fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A" "# They have everything for you men to enjoy" "# You can hang out with all the boys" "# It's fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A" "# It's fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A... #" "(# Music continuing in background)" "Can't you think of anything?" "There's nothing left." "Everybody's tried everything." "The closest she came to a smile was when you skidded on a fairy cake." "Yeah, but it's not the sort of thing you can do all evening, is it?" "Everybody else is having a good time." " I just wish..." " (# Jazzy big band playing)" "What's that tune?" "I know that tune." "I don't know." "Yes, you do." "It's The Stripper!" " Judy?" " Sandy?" "Not Madge?" "(Speech drowned out by music)" "(Cheering and pop music in background)" "Where have all our little helper elves gone?" "Voluntary dance hosts and hostesses." "You could always swap with Alistair." "No, thank you." "That Mrs Dodds is very predatory." "They did have a good time." "Yes, they did." "Even Mrs Thrupp." "Alistair wouldn't pop along to the home and do a striptease now and again?" "I'd like to think it was a one-off." "I wonder if somebody will look after us when we're old?" "That's what all this is really about, isn't it?" " It's only a drop in the ocean." " It's a very nice drop." " (# Waltz playing)" " That's The Last Waltz." "I don't suppose you have the strength to totter round, have you?" " I thought you'd never ask." " (Laughs)" "# You must remember this" "# A kiss is still a kiss" "# A sigh is just a sigh" "# The fundamental things apply" "# As time goes by" "# And when two lovers woo" "# They still say I love you" "# On that you can rely" "# The world will always welcome lovers" "# As time goes by #"