"Ju ju Hey Hey" "Voodoo Lady" "I don't mean maybe black magic chile Here he is!" "The clock struck 13.00" "And I was searching" "For that midnight woman of my darkest dream." "She looked straight through me" "Her spells undo me" "My voodoo lady" "Sweet witchcraft maid" "Hello London!" "You do voodoo" "You do voodoo" "Voodoo Lady" "I don't mean maybe" "Voodoo Lady" "And the chills you gave me" "I beseech you from Satan save me" "No one knows the secret of the black magic box of my Voodoo Lady" "I don't mean maybe" "Ju ju Hey Hey" "Black magic chile!" "Here we go, here we go, here we go...!" "Come on lads!" "Come on let's see some action!" "What do you reckon?" "I fancy us tonight I really do" "Yeah?" "Get a result?" "Yeah..." "Keep it tide in the back in the first half" "Push through in the second half" "Beat the offside trap off, result!" "You reckon..." "Yeah I reckon!" "Can't be the same every bleeding week, can it?" "I blame that one there, Fortinbras" "He comes on for 5 minutes before the end'nd just cleans up" "But he'd never last a full 5 acts, would he?" "Hasn't got the fatal flaw" "I dunno he looks handy" "Come on Hamlet, make your fucking mind up!" "Jesus!" "Stop soliloquising, you Danish poof!" "He's just not taking them on, is he?" "I don't understand it, he runs rings around Polonius in act II, scene II, and then he comes on like" "Here we go, look" "Uh!" "Oh!" "Ophelia!" "I said:" "Uh, Ophelia!" "Get thee to a nunnery!" "Get thee to a nunnery!" "He's losing it" "Nah." "He is but mad, NNW!" "When the wind is southerly he knows a hawk from a hacksaw" "Claudius is staying down, look!" "Get up!" "Get up off your knees you fat bastard!" "Get up, you fat bleeding bastard!" "Who ate all the pies?" "Who ate all the pies?" "He's fat!" "He's bad!" "He murdered Hamlet's dad!" "Claudius!" "Claudius!" "Stick it to the man with it!" "Go on, stick him!" "Go on, my son!" "Percentages!" "Fatal indecision" "Fat-al!" "He wants to do it when he's drunk asleep or in his rage" "Or incestuous pleasure of his bed" "At gaming at swearing or about some act that hath no relish in it" "Yeah..." "Cunt" "Aye aye they're taking Polonius off Played son!" "Who's coming on?" "Young Laertes" "Come on lad!" "Get a grip of it!" "Ooh gravediggers are warming up" "Oh, shit" "I can't believe it's gonna be the same result" "Christ!" "What?" "Alas!" "What?" "It is the poisoned cup" "It's too late!" "Talkt about an own goal" "Every bleeding time..." "Oh..." "The rest is silence" "Ah well." "Who've we got next week?" "Mmm... "The three sisters"" "You'll never get to Moscow!" "You'll never get to Moscow!" "We play for money?" "That's the only way to play, Doc" "Would do you like to do the honours, young man?" "I will sir" "Right..." "What's it to be than?" "Knockout Whist" "I think not, Doc" "Let's have a round of Slippery Jack" "Excellent, sir, excellent" "I'm afraid I don't have to play that one" "You don't know Slippery Jack, Doc?" "Doc doesn't know Slippery Jack aye..." "You don't know Slippery Jack, Doc?" "Allright, let's have a round of..." "Forty Card Drag" "Good idea young man 1, 2, 3..." "Forty Card Drag..." "Is that one it's a bit like poker?" "Do you know any card game, Doc?" "Yes." "The Whist..." "Knockout Whist, Rummy, Pontoon..." "Let's have a game of Go Johnny Go Go Go Go!" "Excellent, sir, excellent" "I'll the sort through this..." "Look, I don't have to play that one either!" "Everyone knows Go Johnny Go Go Go Go!" "I don't" "You do" "I don't!" "You do!" "It's like a cross between Hoover and Eight Men Down" "I don't know have to play those either" "That's ok" "We do stuff to explain the rules to you, Doc" "It is very simple" "Jack are worth 10, kings are worth 3" "Apart from one-eyed jacks which're wildcards" "Yes but we'll come to those in a minute" "Round 1 we get a hand of 9, round 2 hand of 7" "Twos're wildcards" "But we'll come to those in a minute" "Apart from diamonds, which retain their face value" "Except the king of diamonds, obviously" "Obviously" "We play in sequence, unless you can match a pair or play a card in ascending or descending order" "If you can, that's a Go Johnny Go Go Go Go!" "You stand up, pick up all the cards at the table and shout: "Go Johnny Go Go Go Go!"" "The winner is the man with the most tricks after 15 hands" "You'll pick all the rest as we play" "Shall we say a pound a round?" "Just one thing..." "Are queens worth...12?" "What queens?" "Queens in the pack" "The pack?" "Sorry, what's the 'pack'?" "He means the deck" "Doc, there are no queens" "We play with the french pack" ""Deck", my" "A French deck, thank your editing" "Thank you, young man" "Right who's to lead?" "That's you, Doc" "Oh..." "I'm not really sure how to start" "Well just put a card on the table" "Come on!" "A five!" "You can't lead with a five!" "This is Go Johnny Go Go Go Go!" "not Bamalama-Fizz-Vaj!" "Sorry" "Start again" "Very interesting, Mr Bond" "Ace in the hole" "Ten..." "(Sean Connery impression)" "What?" "Come on, Doc" "What?" "That's a Go Johnny Go Go Go Go!" "Is it?" "You can't touch'em!" "Why not?" "You've got to say Go Johnny Go Go Go Go!" "Go Johnny Go Go Go Go!" "After stand up first and say: "Go Johnny Go Go Go Go!"" "Go Johnny Go Go Go Go!" "But you had no named your pairs" "What?" "Name your pairs" "You didn't say about naming pairs" "You put down a five!" "Yes?" "If you put down a five you must have pairs" "Why must I have pairs?" "Because that's a Go Johnny Go Go Go Go!" "Oh for god's s..." "You can't look at'em!" "Why, I'm supposed to remember them?" "STOP IT!" "Look: jacks worth 10, kings worth 3" "Apart from one-eyed jacks witch..." "Why can't we just play something simple?" "And why do we only every play things that you two know the rules of?" "It was like this when we were kids!" "You use to put bets on bloody Hungry Hippos" "Why can't we just play...the Hangman ...or something" "Alright, Doc" "Whatever you said, Doc" "Hangman it is!" "Hangman sounds good to me" "I'm sorry" "Sorry, Hangman" "We play in canadian rules or italian?" "Ok..." "Do we have a Pam Doove or Pamela Doove?" "I'm Pam Doove" "Hello!" "How are you?" "A bit nervous" "Is it Pam or Pamela?" "Pam, Pamela, whatever" " We stick to Pam, I know a Pamela" " Fine" "My name is Jed Bishop..." "I'm directing the play" "What are you doing for us today?" "I've got a Shakespeare or a modern" "What's your modern?" "It's "Top Girls"" "Churchill mm..." "What's your Shakespeare?" "Isabella's bleeding scene from "Measure for Measure"" "Oh..." "I'd like to see that, please" "Ok" "An interesting one Mesure..." "I directed a production a couple of seasons back..." "Oh no!" "It's ok..." "We had a guy playing Isabella, a sort of kabuki thing" "Tell me, what drew you to this piece in particular?" "The language" "Really good images within the text and I like the metre" "Go on" "Oh and I think these emotions in it" "Yes, she's very pressed isn't she, Isabella?" "Yes but I'd like that about to the fact she's feeling all these different things and yet she's a really calm person and she menages to keep all...in" "Good..." "Good!" "Well, in your own time" "Powerful stuff" "Yes..." "Tell me Pam...have you trained?" "No" "Saturday, 16 march 1912..." "Oates would not give up hope to the very end" "He was a brave soul" "He said "I'm just going outside and may be some time"" "He walked though into the blizzard and we have not seen him, since..." "Sir?" "Yes, Birdie?" "Well..." "I know what've done for an everthing" "Yes..." "I was just wondering..." "Mrs Scott, your wife" "Kathleen" "Yes" "Do you... have any regrets?" "I suppose I'd like to be the better husband to her and a father to little Peter" "I regret I should never again see her lovely face" "No hear the sweet music of her laughs" "Not anything' else?" "What do you mean?" "Doesn't matter" "I'm afraid uncle Bill ebbed Birdie" "Do you think so, sir?" "He hasn't moved for more that an hour" "Good all Bill..." "I wish now I never ask'm to come" "He was the best!" "You musn't blame yourself, sir." "It's rotten luck that's all" "Sir..." "Mrs Scott again..." "Yes?" "What are her tits like?" "I beg your pardon?" "Nothing, sir!" "I've heard quite distinctly" "No it was the wrong thing to say!" "Ignore me, sir!" "I'd should lissen to Amundsen" "He told me to take more dogs" "I said to him: "I'm going South, any advice?"" "He said: "Con, dogs, dogs and dogs again"" " Sir, d'you ever brough you off with a hand?" " Birdie!" "I've been patient and tolerant, this's really beyond the pale" "The thing is I've never known a woman in a fully sense" "I've never had a tender female hand on my..." "Well any hands for that matter!" "What are you trying to say?" "Well we're going to die, sir" "The three of us!" "Three men in a tent!" "Yes?" "I just though..." "Why don't we go out with a smile in our faces?" "Bowers!" "This is unbelievable!" "You think I've had such fate in you!" "You've been such a brick, such a tire of strenght for the entire expedition" "And now at the hour of ultimate trial you'll give into these base unchristian desires?" "I don't mind been the woman if that's..." "That's no what I meant to do, right?" "My wife's got a fanny like a bear trapped hat" "Bill?" "Go on, Con!" "The lad's got a point!" "You do him I'll do you!" "Oh, Bill!" "Well, where's the harm?" "No one need know" "Or do you have to write everything down in the fucking diary of yours!" "I do keep a diary, a secret diary!" "Would you like to hear some?" ""march 4th: awoke today with a morning glory like a tend peg"" "I remembered that day, I was just the same!" "I could only get my trousers on!" "I have to bang in on the bellend with a crowbar..." "Pull yourself together!" "Bill, Birdie, for the sake of what we fellows've been through together let at least die like English gentlemen" "Please!" "Alright Birdie I will do you first!" "But I get go before her!" "Is this yours or mine?" "It's "ours"" "Come on, Russell..." "Don't talk like that" "Like what?" "Yours or mine?" "You paid for it" "Meaning?" "It was a present, Robert" "Well, you keep it then" "I don't want it" "Give it to your boyfriend" "Haven't got a boyfriend" "You did have..." "Don't answer it!" "I have to, I'm expecting someone" "Who?" "Tish" "Oh shit, not her...!" "Hello stranger!" "God, you look awful!" "Hi Robert, babes!" "Come with a snugging time!" "Lissen could I have a complete pain about my ciggy of you?" "I've just been sitting on a bus for like half an hour and I'm lying: gimme nicotine, gimme caffeine!" "Now please!" "Oh cheers babe, you're a star" "Tish, it's not a very good time" "I'll bum you my backrolly when I'll got some skins" "I've just been down to Camden market to buy this floppy felt hat'nd some crystals'nd shit" "It's fab isn'it?" "I'm gonna wearing to Mardi Gras next year you guys're gonna love it!" "Close 28!" "Yeah!" "Anyway, I'm sitting on the bus and I start gain these really weard vibes because I'm jewed to stop blobbing next week anyway" "God I love gay guys!" "You can actually talk about period and not feel guilty, yes!" "Russell!" "So I'm sitting there" "And there's a guy next to me and he's like magicuteness" "He was to die for!" "You guys would have loved him!" "Expecially you Robert, you're such a slot" "Uh, text message from Scott and Ian!" "Eccellente!" "Look I think I better be going" "No..." "Oh you have babes?" "Ok darling, don't be a stranger" "Oh and Robert, could Tish bum another ciggy off you please?" "God I'm such a fag-hag" "Here the all pack!" "I'll give up anyway" "Oh main of generosity!" "Cheers darling you're really as star" "Come give Tish a big kiss'nd snuggle" "Now give Russell a big kiss'nd snuggle" "Ohh..." "They're so cute!" "I love gay guys, I really do" "Anyway Russel, I've decided to hand in my notes at work" "The women're all bitches and the guys're bastards apart from the gay guys, obviously" "Eurgh, what you doing?" "He's left me" "Robert's left me." "He's not coming back." "Darling!" "Was he sleeping with someone else ?" "I don't think so" "Ohh you poor thing" "I just get this" "Hi Scott, babes" "I'm gonna be late, round" "Well I'm Russell's house and Robert's just left him!" "I know, there such a dram'queen, I love her" "What's that?" "You are kidding me!" "Scott slept with Robert three weeks ago!" "Scott, what are you like?" "I'm so jeal of you gay guys you all sleep with eachother and there's no consequences." "Lissen babes, I'm gonna be out of here as quick as I can so let's see at The Mixer in 20'" "I want all the juicy goss, capisci?" "Oh and Scott!" "I bought the hat" "To die for!" "Ok ciao for now babes, bye, bye, bye...." "Yes bye, bye, bye..." "Me think Russell need a big kiss'nd snuggle" "No" "Yes!" "Come on darling let it all out" "I bet you in one week you'll slept with like 50 different men" "I think you better go" "No way, ozay!" "Now you babes get youself into that kitchen" "Gimme nicotine!" "Gimme caffeine!" "Fetch 'our big fuck off box of tissues and me and you is gonna sit ourselves down and have a girly girl talking, capisci?" "I am not a girl!" "I'm a man!" "At least I've had a boyfriend which is more there's been said for you, stupid fucking shit!" "I just love gay guys..." "Right, we just come this way..." "The entrance of this particular cave is quite low down so... mind you don't bump your heads" "Not a lot of people know that Stump Hole Cavern takes his name from the cripple prostitute" "who use to plied her trade here in the 17th century" "If you look carefully up there you can still see her tariff etched into the limestone... in soot" ""Shoot thy muck 'pon my bristols and visage:" "...a penny"" ""Poop this shitter:" "...a guinea"" ""Like dogs:" "...gratis"" "Stick close behind me, mind the shale on this steps, it's quite slippy" "We are part of much wider network of caverns that riddle the entire county including the much larger Redscar Cavern located half a mile west" "A trifle flashy for my taste, I have to say with their gift shop, granary style cafeteria and 100% safety record placed all over the promotion literature" "But there you go." "Now we stay in single file we'll make our way into the main cavern" "It's worth pointing out that Redscar was served with a council notice ordering them to replace 115 yards of faulty wiring" "Put it in this way:" "I wouldn't like to get caught down there in a thunderstorm and no amount of trilobites in perspex or stegosaurus' shape pencil tops is going to change that" "This cavern may be familiar to you from its appearances on the small screen" "En 1974 you couldn't move down here for Cybermen" "In fact, in an amusing incident Tom Baker sprained his ankle on that rock there" "This goes to show how easy the accidents happen" "We've had all the celebrities here including the late Don Henderson of Bullman fame" "The Chuckle Brothers in an episode setting in Barry's secret lemonade factory" "And Michael Buerk and the 999 team" "It's at this stage of the tour I'd like to raise the subject of darkness" "There's nothing quite like the darkness we get down in the caves and to illustrate this we turn out all the lights for a few moments" "I myself not fond of the darkness." "I sleep with the lights on now" "It's in the darkness I see the boy's face" "eyes protruding tongue out black" "If you look over here... you'll see limestone formations for which Stump Hole is more famous..." "Use to be more famous" "And over the years lads have given them a variety of comical names depending on what they mental look like" "So here we have Santa Claus his beard and sack" "The Wombles!" "You see how the sediment forms the brim of Orinoco's hat the specimen jar the toffee apple and..." "Errol Flynn" "This one over here, people say to me "Mick, it doesn't look like anything at all" but i don't know when i look at it I seem to see a little pair of hands" "clutching at a slippery, wet rope sliding down into the black water" "Sometimes I'll stand here for hours ...just looking at it" "That concludes the main part of the tour, if you'll follow me" "Michael Bird did say to me: "Mick, you can't go on blaming yourself, it wasn't your fault" "But I don't know." "Young kiddie like that whole life ahead of him" ""School trip tragedy, local man blamed"" "Every day the same." "Parade of blank faces." "The constant drip drip from the cavern roof" "The cold indifference of the ancien rock" "But you keep going, don't you?" "It's like the moss growing around that little light-bulb there" "Life finds a way." "Look at that skein of iron oxide, you wouldn't find anything like that in Redscar" "Remember the guide on your way out 'nk you" "Hello Mrs. Hull!" "Hello Tony!" "Julieeee!" "Your boyfriend's here!" "Come through Tony" "This is Julie's dad" "So they tell me..." "Hello Tony!" "Alright?" "Sit down Tony, she want be long now" "Ehi!" "Julieee!" "So not be long now, Tony." "She's like her mum, trying on every dress she's got" "I wont take me long, I have got two dresses" "Charlie won't buy me clothes!" "She's lying Tony, I do buy her clothes" "She doesn't cap' fit into anymore" "He can talk cunty" "You're going for them cigs at once?" "Yes, in a minute" "What are you up to tonight, Tony?" "Oh just go for a meal ma'm" "Hey you wanna go down Swiss, they do good meals now" "Not going down Swiss!" "It's where he tooks our on honeymoon" "He's a right dump!" "No it's not, Tony." "They've done it up since than" "It's like a big ship now with shelves and nets..." "And it stinks of fish!" "We're going down that Luigi, d'you know him?" "Oh, yes" "His name is not Luigi, remember?" "Do you want a beer, Tony?" "You can have one" "Don't have it if you don't want one" "Oh let the lad have a beer" "Don't want to beer!" "You do have to get drunk to have good time dear, Tony?" "You would if you're married to "that", Tony!" "Aww she's lovely" "You're joking, are you?" "Charlie, if you want a beer just get one don't make a laid upon you, fat pig!" "Shut up you, bastard!" " I just going check..." " You fucking sit down!" "Do anyth' frightened, you!" "Stella!" "What?" "So are you working, Tony?" "I'm at college" "I bet you're brainy, What're you learnin'?" "Modern languages" "Do you follow football, Tony?" "Speak a language" "Who's your team?" "No I don't really follow football" "Did you do Spanish?" "Un poquito" "Un poquito!" "D'you like then Gipsy Kings!" "'Cause you hear, dear, Tony?" "Feel alright" "I'm coming to live with you, you could be my toy-boy" "Take it, Tony!" "You bloody welcome to her!" "If you aren't going out with Julie, I can show you some things..." "I've seen them, Tony." "Don't make you seek" "Julie won't know want to do!" "Big, fat ass!" "She's just a stupid little girl!" "She wears glasses!" "I know!" " I could going to college, Tony" " Don't lissen to him, Tony, he's a liar!" " She splat me dry!" " Such a boring man!" "Well look around you!" "She wants for announce!" "We have no sex in months!" "What can I do, Tony, I get tired" " You know I can't see colors?" "!" " Make something happen, Tony!" " Please, Tony!" "" " Tony, please!" "I'm going to get Julie" "Excuse me" "Don't end all-black like us, Tony, you're still young" "Charlie's only 42, look at him it's a joke" "Where did these years go, Tony?" "I've lost all years" "We've never done now!" "You learn Spanish!" "Mind our your good, son" "Oh, Charlie..." "What we gonna do now?" "Shall we go down Swiss?" "Oh yeah" "...and I've heard tell she'll soon own half the county!" "I've learnt anything in my long years as majesty of this district, Mr.Fiztherbert" "It's never to unrestimate Mr. Sarah Sheridan" "True, true!" "I say..." "Who's that fellow under?" "There you've upon a mystery Mr. Peel." "That is not other than Sir Quincy Styre" "Styre?" "Aye, the most infamous black guy all of London" "I've heard tell he soon own half the county" "Or the other half..." "Yes" "Sink me Fiztherbert!" "I don't like the cut of him" "Not one jot" "Let's see if we can rouse him from his contemplations" "Take care, Peel!" " Take care" " Take care" " Aye" " Aye" "It's not for nothing that Sir Quincy has a reputation to claim he is in league with the devil himself" "Well... devil or not we shall see" "To his majesty king James may he live long...in exile" "You not join me in a loyal toast, sir?" " I'm addressing you sir!" " Have a care, Peel!" "My loyalty's lying out square" "Mr. Peel" "You know me sir?" "Better than you think" "My friend meant no arm..." "Thank you Fitzherbert!" "I am a racionalist." "I'm not afraid to this gentlemen's dark reputation." "Racionalist?" "A man of science" "A gentlemen should think more carefully before banding around such voguish terms" "This's not vogue, sir!" "Think of Newton and Harvey." "Circulation of the blood is an observed fact" "Not the stuff of shadow and whimsy appealed by your kind" "And where pray with your Mr. Newton's stand on the subject of the immortal soul?" "These are dark waters, Frederick!" "Newton'll tell you, as I do sir, that such childishness is best confined to the nursery" "I see..." "I wonder...are you a betting man Mr. Peel?" " I've been known as an occasional wager" " Frederick, no!" "Very well..." "Since you scoff of the notion of an immortal soul you'll not objected to placing your own in azzard" "Set against to this trifle, I will wage my entire Cornish State and 100 pound" " 100 pound?" " Aye..." "All that for my soul...why?" "This not wager it's like snatching a puppet from a babe" "I'll do it" "Excellent" "What are we playing?" "What know you of Eight Men Down?" "Nothing" "What of Bamalama-Fizz-Vaj?" "Bamalama...?" "What should I say, even you must know Go Johnny Go Go Go!" "No, sir!" "You do." "Jacks are worth 10, kings are worth 3" "Apart from one-eyed jacks which're wildcards" "But we'll come to those in a moment" "Round 1 we get a hand of 9, round 2 hand of 7" "Twos're wildcards" "But we'll come to those in a moment" "Would do you deal cards, young man?" "I will sir!" "Good evening, we are "Legz Akimbo" theatre company." "Thanks a lot!" "Some of you may remember us from a couple of Christmases ago" "We came here and we did "Pins and Needles"" "It was a play about tramps on heroin." "But we're back here today to perform my new piece which is about a small girl growing up in the North" "It's called "Scumbelina"" "and we'll be performing that for you right here on the stage in a few minutes!" "My name's Oliver Plimsoles by the way" "I'll get all your names in a minute coz there are far to many of you" "A lot of my friends did turn to me and say "Ollie, what are you doing writing a play about the North, you're from" " Chiswick."" "I said to her: "Sue, for years, writers have sat on their fat arses getting rich, writing lies about real, Northern people." "I want to do that too"" "Very exciting time for the company, first time I've written a play for adults." "I'm not standing up here today as teacher" "You know, I'm not "Sir"" "I'm not "mum"" "I'm not "dad"" "I'm Ollie Plimsolls and..." "I'm not gonna patronise you. "Patronise" means "to talk down to you"." "There's a little girl with a round face there if got something to say pop your hand in the air, we'd all love to hear it." "There's obviously something frightfully funny going on down there, d'you want to share it with the rest of the group?" "I'd love to know what the joke is!" "I'd love to be as funny as you!" "I'd love to be as popular as you!" "Oh please let me learn from you" "Oh, it's not nice being bullied is it?" "Maybe don't!" "Oh, we're nearly there, OK." "Sit back and enjoy "Scumbelina"" "Which I wrote..." "Got me bird comin'!" "Comin' around!" "Comin' to see me!" "Nice tits..." "Sound!" "Out to't boozer..." "Out on't razz!" "Down to't night-club..." " Hair!" " Shave!" " Tie!" "Why?" "Why?" "Parky out" "Parky in" "Parky out" "Parky in" "Parky in" "Parky out" "Where you goin'?" "Mind your own stink." "Oh, mind your stink." "Mind your stink." "Stink, stink, stinking skint, skint." "As I am..." "Oh poverty." "Poor." "Poverosity." "That's right ma." "No bastard listens to't voice of the't little person." "Not here in't dump." "But why don't you?" "Can't, or won't?" "There's poetry in our voices only it don't come out right." "Poverty is poetry with an extra "V"" "Only nowt rhymes whi'it." "Haah, but you're all welcome." "Quick, get the fire lit, Ma, faither's home." "Has ye fetched t'coal in, luv?" "Fuck a duck!" "Aye, no!" "Me duck's fucked, me duck's fucked off." "Fucked off, mucked off, more like." "Mucked off wi' my luck." "England's a duck." "England's an old duck in the lake." "She wants to fly..." "But she never can do." "They're always a'clippin', a'flippin' a'clippin' her wings." "She sings." "I preferred them days." "Not these days, sleaze days, them days, them lazy hazy gazy days." "Not these, cold, old, no soul." "Can I do a speech?" "Can I?" "I will then." "Taps." "Big taps on me bath, rusting away..." "Like the country?" "Country?" "Cunt tree more like." "Resting, rusting away like the taps on Ma's big bath." "Big, brown, bleach-burning bath." "I want the taps to work." "I want me man to work." "I want work for me man but there in't none." "Not here in't Narth." "Not here in't Naarth." "Not here in't Naarth." "Kendal." "You know me?" "North!" "Blast off, blow off, let off steam" "Iron and steel magnolias, only as old as you feel, licks the cat weasel pop goes the top of the range Grange Hill, why won't you speak to me Rowland of hope and glory" "Hallelujah chorus-and them, us and them, us and them." "Them who made us this way?" "Who made us this way?" "Who?" "Jim Cartwright." "Willy Russel." "John fucking Godber." "Cartwright, Russel, fucking Godber..." "They can't write!" "I've a feeling we're not in Royston Vasey anymore" "Indeed" "Are we in heaven, Edward?" "I don't think so, Tubbs" "Remember I told you heaven was like Swansea" "Yes" "Well this, is the other place" " You mean...?" " Yes" "London!" "Is London a local place for local people?" "No, Tubbs!" "London is a town of strangers" "Wormy youth that drink all day and root all night" "Sounds nice" "Can we stay for a weekend?" "I want to see "Les Mis"" "Silence!" "If we want to enter to the kingdom of Swansea we must leave this place at once" "But there're so many of them, Edward!" "One, two, three, five, twelfty, six, ten..." "Línes'nd lines'nd lines..." "We'll never kill them all" "We musn't kill them." "Not yet anyway." "First we must redeem ourselves" "Edward, I told you to go before we left the shop" "To find redemption we must return to Royston Vasey and atone for our sins" "But how will we get there?" "Click your moonboots together 3 times" "And repeat after me:" ""I can I can't!"" "I can I cant I can I cant I can I cant!" "That's it Tubbs." "Keep going." "Will be home soon" "Ladies and gentlemen" "The management regrets to announce that the Gran Chavelle, the world foremost animal magician, is unable to be here tonight as advertised" "However our last minutes replacement has been found" "Hello!" "I'd like to thank the management for giving me this opportunity to demonstrate by prestidigitation" "This is not my day job although it's always gone down very well with my clients" "In fact I've lost count of the number of them who say to me" ""Mr. Chinnery, I would sure you're a magician..."" ""... and not a vet"" "Please join me now as we enter a world of mistery" "Oh dear, oh dear" "Is there a vet in the house?" "Ohi!" "What have you, Mike?" "Just a coke, please Geoff..." "Ehi?" "Another lager..." "Ohi!" "Three bluebirds!" "He's bloody deaf, him!" "You know what they say Geoff..." "What?" "Ehi?" "I can't hear you!" "I said "Bummers are deaf"" "Yes good one that!" "It is!" "I fell for it at all" "Eh, Bri, tell Mike "Mau Mau"" "You what?" "Yeah, that one about the Mau Mau" "Uh I can't remember that Geoff, you tell him." "Oh you can." "Danny Taurus told us this joke at the gun club" "It's the funniest bloody joke, tell him Bri" " Me?" " Yes go on" "Alright." "Ehh..." "There's these 3 fellows" "Yes, Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman" "Yes, Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman." "They get lost in...the desert" "No... jungle" "Is it?" "Yeah go on." "Ok they get lost in the jungle and get killed by these cannibals" "Not yet!" "You missed the whole bloody joke, you idiot!" "I can't remember it Geoff, you tell him" "No, you can!" "It's alright, I'm not bothered, actually..." "Sit down!" "Ehi?" "Sit down!" "He's telling a joke" "Just think what the end is, and go back" " Right." "There's an Englishman..." " Fruit." "What?" "It's the fruit!" " He remembers it now!" "They've to go into the jungle and pick 10 pieces of fruit and bring them back so they come back and the chief says: "So Englishman..."" "Do the voice." "The chief says: "Now you must choose between death or Mau Mau"" "The Englishman says: "We don't bow you, savage, I'll choose Mau Mau"" "So they grab him and stick the 10 pieces of fruits up his arse" "Yeah and what did he pick?" "The Englishman chose cherries!" "Cherries!" "Imagine that!" "10 cherries stump of your arse!" "They're very small though are they?" "Go on Brian!" "The chief takes the Scotsman and says "Death or Mau Mau"" "Scotsman says Mau Mau..." "Mmmm" "What's the Scotsman's fruit Geoff?" "Is it bananas?" "No, no, no, smaller than nuts." "Just a sec" " We just should say bananas..." " No, it's too big, it spoils the next one!" " Apples?" " No!" "Strawberries?" "What?" "In the jungle?" "No, just think what it is for a minute" "Hey, Brian, why are there no aspirins in the jungle?" "Don't know." "Cause the parrots eat 'em all." "I'd have said "paracetamol"" "Either way, I think it worked" "Is it anyth' of Pam and Barry Swift?" "Oh god no, not in ages..." "Plums!" "What?" "They're plums, come on!" "Oh Geoff, it doesn't matter now" "Course it fucking matters" "He's near the end" "There's only the Irishman left, come on Brian" "Chief tells to the Irishman, "Death or Mau Mau"" "You didn't do the voice." "Don't matter!" " Finish it!" " I can't remember." " Finish it!" " I can't remember." "Please!" "Geoff!" "I honestly can't remember." "It's just a big fucking joke to you, isn't it?" "Innit, Geoff can't tell a joke, Geoff is a joke" "Geoff enters a talent competition and loses" "My mum said I would win." "I was only 8!" "You know I've got this gun, don't you?" "!" "You you're going to tell this joke" "and we're all going to laugh!" "Or else he gets it!" "Geoff, alright!" "I'll finish the joke!" "Jesus!" "The chief turns to the Irishman and says "Death or Mau mau"" " And the Irishman looks at his fruits..." " Pineapples!" "Look his pineapples!" " Pineapples" " Pineapples!" "He look at his pineapples and says: "I don't think I can stand the Mau Mau." "I'll choose death."" "And the chief says to him..." "Get it right Brian!" "The chief says to the Irishman..." "Oh, god I can't remember" "He says: "Death by Mau Mau"" " Have you heard it?" " Yes" "It's good, do it?" "Hoy!" "Three bluebirds!" "Guten abend kinder!" "What a warm entry!" "Guten Abend Kinder, willkommen in England" "Hi!" "Welcome to England!" "My name is Herr Lipp" "Und I may enjoy you to this exchange with it to the capital city of London" "Oh, danke schön" "Now as you may know, we all be sleeping with some families in London" "And wherever possible I've tried to made boys sleep with boys and the other ones sleep with the other ones" "This just taste better in my eyes" "I myself will be renting for most of the week" "I've found a very nice little cottage where I can get my head down without been disturbed" "If any of you know of any better erections in London don't esitate to let me know, I'm not fussy where I put myself" "Alles klaar?" "Gut, alles klar" "Now" "To make love with you this evening" "I though we can learn some traditional English games which is gonna be a real kitcha" "There are many exiting English games, for example..." ""Hop cock"," ""British bull dykes"," ""Stick your tail in a donkey"" "to name just of 3" "But tonight, kinder, we'll going to learn rules to "Blind man's poof"" "Of course for this I need to find a boy to play with" "Just going to creep among you if I can finger a boy" "Don't look so nervous I don't bite" "I may suck, but I don't bite" "What's this a boy or a girl?" "Sorry the mustaches threw me" "What is your name?" "Nick" "Nick!" "Big applause for Nick please!" "Now, don't be nervous, Nick" "I met a boy come on stage last night" "Please I can assure you by the end you'll be lap it up" "What's in that, that's so interesting?" "Ok, please" "Ok, Nick" "We need to decide for the game to begin, Nick has to be the poof or the blind man" "What do you think boys'nd girls?" "Do they know something I don't know?" "Ok, I think perhaps because Nick is a vergin that I should be the poof" "Ok Nick, turn your back to me please" "Don't flatter yourself, Nick" "I'm just going to tie you up now" "Stop wriggling!" "As I do this, I willl explain the rules to you but I warned you now i do have a tendency to gobble." "It's allrigh you can pull out any time" "You'll enjoy it so much more if you hold still!" "Lissen Nick." "The game begins when you creep around the room and try to catch somebody when you have them you must entertain whether they're a male member or a femidom" "I'm going to give you a lttle clue if you hold out your hand" "Lower please I'm older that you" "I'm just having difficult to get it in up!" "Come on boys'nd girl I'm sure you've seen one of these before" "I know it's a big one and it smells funny" "But I can assure you Nick, it tastes very nice" "If you can tell me who this is" "Come on, Nick, squeeze it!" "Any ideas?" "If it helps you I can peel back the skin at the end" "Any ideas Nick, who do you think that is?" "The Queen of Duisburg!" "As well known as..." "Herr Lipp, is the right answer!" "Big round of applause for Nick please" "Thank you, Nick" "Nick..." "Now, now, now, you can take your sit back in the audience or..." "It's totally up to you" "I'll sit down" "It's your lost" "Nick, boys'nd girls!" "Thank you to Nick!" "It's Nick!" "Sometimes I get a boy upon the stage and find it impossible to pull him off" "Although I usually menage it" "That's all for me!" "Enjoy the rest of your evening, sleep tight and remember:" "don't let the bedbugs bite you!" "Oh, hello Mrs Levinson!" "I was just polishing your knockers" "Bills, bills, bills..." "Visa, Amex, Diners Club Gold..." "Don't you just dread the foothold of the postman?" "Is that the one in where Jack Nicholson does make him in table?" "Sort through this, would you Iris?" "Yes, Mrs. Levinson" "What's these 950 pounds?" "Of course!" "Eddie and I went to Convent Garden last month." "Do you like opera, Iris?" "Can't stick her." "We prefer Kilroy." "I've got them all on cds of course:" "Wagner, Strauss, Three Tenores" "For 2 cds?" "They are like robbery" "My favourite is "Der Rosenkavalier"" "Oh now Ron loves that one!" "What?" "But we trade it ours for an Escort so..." "Isn't culture a wonderful thing, Iris?" "More we learn more we are enriched" "You can glean so much from the telly box these days if you have a dish." "Do you get Uk Gold?" "No, we like stock" "When Eddie and I first married he turn ..." " Time's up" " That was never an hour" "That's what you always say, lady" "Coat!" "Very well!" "But be careful with it" "It's very expensive" "I know..." "Sort through those, would you, Judee?" "Yes, Mrs. Krell" "Bills, bills, bills; don't you just dread the foothold of the postman?" "These're nice panties Mrs. Krell!" "Do you think so?" "Ronnie got me them in París" "I won't get expensive briefs" "You should deserve it from time to time" "No it's just I get through that many pairs, Eddie pulling at them with his big fingers" "Well I must get ready for the bridge evening" "I've given up wearing anything in bed." "There's no point with Eddie's libido." "He's like a lad of 19 sometimes!" "I expect it's quite a house actually 5, 6 times a night, and the mornings..." "Yes, when Ronnie and I we first married..." "It's always been like that for us, just gets better and better" "He has me doing stuffs that would make a whore blush" "Sometimes I wear nothing but a kimono around the house" "This way, that way, some of it barely legal." "I'm lying there thinking:" ""Will this pleasure never end?"" "She's back!" "Christ!" "She's gonna catch us one day" "'Evening, Mrs. Levinson!" "Oh god I'm sick of this we have to tell her, you know" " What?" "That we pretend this is our house?" " No..." " Not that my husband is really dead?" " No!" " Not that we're really mother and daughter?" " No" "No." "That we're both men" "Oh, dad!" "Come here, son!" "Okey Pokey, pig in a pokey!" "Good evening, job seekers!" "My god, I've never seem so much dole scum under one roof before." "Has no one got a job in is freaking place?" "No, you're all too busy flicking yourselves off to Ann Robinson eh?" "I thought so..." "Right, before we begin, has everyone got a pen?" "No, we don't get pens to people like you, it's not safe" "A quick word about Pauline's pens, they're like gold or" "The victim's name was Pauline Campbell-Jones" "Occupation: restart officer" "The victim had no family and in a will left everything to her pens" "After the initial investigation, a prime suspect emerged" "Please, state your name" "Ross Gaines" "Can you decribe to us your relationship with Miss Campbell-Jones?" "Yes, I hated her" "Can you think of anyone who would wanted to kill her?" "I can't think anyone who wouldn't" "She was an evil woman" "I remember one time we were doing a role play exercise about interview technique" "She asked me to inteview her for an imaginary job" "You can be as hard as you like, Ross!" "I won't get crossed" "In your own time" "So, you're interested in this trolley job" "That is right, I'm very interested, yes" "I feel that my ability to work well as part of a team and yet take individual responsabilities are important factors in a job of this nature" "What work experience have you had?" "I left school early and starting to" "You didn't go to college?" "No, I feel the touch of work experience..." "You have no qualifications" "Well if you don't count 20 years in Employment Service" "No, I'm talking about academic achievement: degrees, diplomas..." "Come off it Ross!" "Shoving trolleys round the ASDA car park?" "Fucking monkey could do it!" "Whould you say you're a fairly egregious person?" "What?" "Are you an egregious person?" "Do you have an egregious personality?" "Yes, yes I do, yes" "Right." "I'm gonna say some words to you, I want you to reply with the first that come into your head, right?" "Right, yes" "Home" "Royston Vasey" "Family" "Dead" "Friends" "Pens" "Friends!" "?" "Pens!" "They're the best friends you can have!" "Everything I know about people I've learned from pens" "If they don't work, you shake'em" "If they still don't work you chuck'em away." "Bin'em!" "Really?" "Work" "Everything" "Mm?" "My work is everything to me" "Love" "No" "So, you're never married?" "No..." "There was somebody once..." "Can i get your age, Pauline" "I think that's a lady's prerogative..." "I need how old you are for these records" "Let's just say I'm as old as than me gums and a little bit older than..." " How old are you?" " 48!" "Ok, thank you for coming to see us today!" "Thank you very much, when do I start?" "I'm sorry, I can't offer you this position" "You what?" "Well...you failed the interview" "You strike me as a bully." "You're ill-mannered," "Ignorant, foul mouthed, you're not qualified for this job and apart from anything else..." "You're too old!" "Miss!" "Sorry" "But I..." "Good!" "Thank's very much Ross, would you want to take your place" "Yes, I think Ross handled that situation very well, job seekers" "Although it did made me wonder how well he'd handle a situation that was a bit more like this!" "A bully, am I?" "Foul fucking mouthed?" "You'll eat those words!" "Egregious, egregious Is it what it means?" "Is it egregious enough for you?" "Stop it, Pauline!" "Stop it, you nutter!" "The Gaines story led us to the second suspect" "Someone who had known Pauline for longer than anyone" "Having been on the dole since the age of 12" "Please, state your name" "My name is Mickey" "Did you know the deceased well?" "Is that a pub?" "How well did you know Miss Campbell-Jones?" "She was kind to me, she bought me a tuna sandwich" "Did she ever do anything else that you tough was kind?" "Not really." "Sometimes she made me feel... stupid" "Pauline, Pauline!" "Not yet, Mickey love!" "I'm busy" "Right, job seekers!" "Who can tell me what C.V. stands for?" "No, Mr. Wadilove, it's not Church of England" "Pauline!" "What is it Mickey?" "I've got an interview" "You an interview?" "Don't make me laugh!" "What is for?" "Scarecrow?" "No, fireman!" "Fireman, eh?" "Are you going to show us your pipe?" "That was a joke, Mickey love" "Smells bad of that area where it is" "Excuse me?" "Where do you think you're going?" "Interview?" "I'm sorry, Mickey love but I can't let you go" "Why?" "Because we do not covered interview technique to next monday forenight" "As well you know..." "You've done this course 62 times already 63" "What's going happen to me if you all get jobs before the end of this course?" "On the dole!" "Exactly!" "I'd be sat down here, with this lot stinking of shit!" "Please let me go, Pauline." "I feel confident" "Well you look ridiculous!" "Show me your helmet" "The one on your head!" "Oh what's this now!" "Dick fucking Wittington?" "You'll be wanted to see men dressed up as women next!" "That's what chances you've got to become a fireman... a big, fat zero" "Now sit down, play with your crayons and wont let you know no more about it" "The rest of you, to light in the mood a little bit we're going to play a game I've invented, called 'Shopper Scrounger'" "A third final suspect arrived in the shape of a fat woman" "State your name please, madam" "Miss!" "Cathy Carter-Smith!" "Occupation?" "Restart officer." "I was assigned to take over from Pauline...um, the victim" "And how did she react to this news?" "I think she took it quite well." "Piss off you big fat cunt!" "Pauline, why can't you disaccept you're finished?" "Fuck you Ann Widdecombe!" "And leave my pens alone, please" "Your pens, you make me laugh!" "Go nock, pens!" "You are a relic woman!" "Get yourself to the fucking museum and clean the bastard bins on yer way oot!" "This is the futur!" "Computer disks!" "Don't you wave your floppies in my face, lady or I'll show in'em when the sun don't shine!" " You know what your heading, don't you?" " No" "Prison!" "Ooh..." "Do I look like Deidre Rachid?" "Yes!" "I've seen this before and in this job, it hates women like you" "I don't have to listen to anymore of these shits!" "And no, you did!" "Piss off!" "Think a fucking will..." "Ehm...just what do you mean exactly "women like me"?" "You know what I mean" "I told you was Dick fucking Whittington, didn't I?" "You harder snail in the outside but inside you're just a pussycat!" "Use a pen on me!" "Use a pen on me!" "It was horrible!" "Like two big fat white baloons bag in a bowl" "And now it's just Pauline" "How does that make you feel, Mickey?" "Angry?" "Dejected?" "Sick, mainly" "I thought that she loved me..." "but she did not." "Where did you get the gun?" "I borrowed from my uncle Geoff." "Told him it was for hunting squirrels, so he said "Alright"" "Have you heard of a "crime passionel"?" "Is it a cake?" "No, it is a crime of passion" "Ladies'nd gentlemen of the jury, I put it to you that this poor bastard is no more capable of murder than you or I" "Especially with malice aforethought" "Who's she?" "His only crime was to have loved too much" "A crime of which the victim was all too innocent" "The defendant maybe is simple, backward, retarded even" "But his very pores sweep with innocence ...and pus" "Ladies'nd gentlemen of the jury, do you find the defendant guilty or not guilty?" "Hello, Royston Vasey 444244" "Hello Deborah!" "Has he been any news?" "What did the lawyer say?" "It's a cake, isn't it?" "Have they reached a verdict yet?" "Oh, Deborah, that's fantastic!" "I'm so pleased!" "He'll be home in time to watch "The Weakest Link"" "Yes, I took myself off to that too" "Lissen Deborah, you give him a big hug for me and tell him I always knew they'll find him innocent" "Just a sec Deborah, that's the door." "Don't hung up, I will be in a moment" "Yes?" "Hello, Dave!" " I'm sorry?" " Is that Dave?" " No, you've got the wrong house" " Ok Dave, is Dave there?" "No, there's no one called Dave here." "Ok, Dave" "Dave, my wife would like to use your toilet" "No, I really don't think..." "Don't worry, she won't go in the sink again..." "Hello Dave?" "Wanna buy some pegs, Dave?" "I'm sorry?" "I got some pegs belonging to you" "No, I'm alright for pegs, thank you" " Is your wife...?" " My wife." "Yes, is she..." "Don't worry about her, she won't be long." "Sit down if you like" "Look: there's been a misunderstanding, you're in the wrong house!" "Dave, my wife tells me there is a block in your toilet" "No there isn't!" "There is now..." "Get sat down, my will begin the reading." "I've nothing against you, travelling people but you're intruding on my property." "I"m going to have to ask you to leave!" "You're not Dave!" "Yes I know, this is what I've been trying to tell you!" "It's ok Dave, my wife will continue to read your fortune but you must cross her palm with silver" "I haven't got any silver!" "Ow!" "That's my wedding ring!" "This is just a saga now..." "I'm going to toilet, Dave but I'll be back in a moment." "Please help me!" "He thinks I'm his wife!" " What?" " He made me go with him, help me!" " Who is he?" " I don't know!" "He came to my house!" "But you speak to him that language!" "I make it up!" "It's gibberish!" "He's coming back." "Please do as he says, he's a very dangerous man" "He sticks pipes in you" "My wife was right, there is a block in your toilet." "But I've fixed it now" " Thank you.." " That's ok." "Dave!" "Yes?" "Of course you can!" "We would love you to join us!" "You're my wife now..." "Good evening ladies and gentlemen" "Welcome to "It's Bernice"" "We all know there'a a lot of suffering in the world as an agony aunt I often get asked to try and help ease it" "I like to think of myself as the Betnovate rubbed down the hands of people day to day suffering" "Now if you anything like me you can often be found standing in the street laughing at these very disabled" "But I wanted to rein those instincts in tonight as we meet my special guest Pam Austwick who suffers from a terrible condition it must make her life a living hell" "I'm talking of course about tonight deseasing focus" "Please welcome upon the stage morbid obesity" "Here we go..." "Get your breath back, love" "Get it back and tell us:" "have you always been such a big woman?" "Well Bernice, this is the funny thing, I got 2 sisters thin as you like" "You put them next to me at Christmas it's like 2 matchmakers and a cream egg" "So it's not hereditary disorder" "No, the doctor said it's glandular" "As if!" "I mean, it's mumbo-jumbo a lot of the time" "What do you think is the matter with you?" "I think I can trace it back to when my mum died" "Pam, you poor thing" "We was very close, you see when mum went created this big gap in me life" "I think I'll try to fill that gap by eating" "I understand." "You're a very brave lady, Pam you've shown a lot of gods just coming on" "Thank you, Bernice" "You're welcome" "It's an important subject that poses a lot of questions" "I'm sure there's a particular question had going to the audience's mind and mine too and that is:" "how on earth do you wipe your bum?" "I'm sorry?" "I imagine you've troubles getting one cheek on the seat never mind both at the same time!" "what do you do, get your knickers on prescription?" "Carry on" "One of the key aspect of morbid obesity... or "gluttony"" "We don't like to call it there" "Well, "greed" then" "No, because is no longer connecting to other big I am" "Is there a fat woman as size as you?" "You're not telling me you'll live on skim milk and Ryvita?" "!" "I'm on a strictly controlled diet..." "That consisted in what?" "Large sandwiches'nd fried chocolate cakes?" "Obesity is primarly an emotional condition" "No, it's primarly an over eating condition!" "Stuff in your face every hour, God sense eating margarina on the top with a big wooden spoon" "Morbid ob" "I lost my mother, didn't make me waddle through life with tin laddie in a hand, ice cream scoop in the other" "Morbid obesity..." "Did I give it a special name?" "Yeah fat woman, fat!" "You want to lose weight, stop eating!" "Anyway I'll put all in fact sheet" "Join me next week with obsessive compulsive disorders" "Lord knows where to find them" "Good evening, rock fans" "Pickwick Records is proud to present fresh from signing a million dollars contract and at a start of what we know will be a glittering solo career" "Singing the single "Tie Wakka Wakka Pumpkin Face"" "Tonight, making his solo debut, formerly Crème Brulée" "Is..." "Les Mcqueen!" "Well Tubbs, here we are" "Yes, here we are" "The shop looks so beautiful in the moonlight" "What is it Tubbs?" "I just had the strangest feeling like someone walking over my grave" "Look!" "What?" "There's a light on in the shop!" "There's someone inside" "Come on Tubbs, we'll soon put a stop to this" "Careful Edward, it may be a trap" "That's true..." "You go first" "Yes?" "Sorry, are you open?" "Yes!" "Can I help you at all?" "I hope so." "I'm bringing some research for a book I'm writing, it's history" "Local history?" "Yes and I want to know if you have any memories" "Yes, I've got two" "Not for sale!" "You misunderstand me, dear lady" "I'm trying to find out about this shop" "What can you tell me about it?" "This is a local shop" "Yes" "Well, do elaborate" "Ablablablá?" "E-la-bo-rate" "E-blablablá!" "Yes." "I heard there was a fire" "Yes, the man and lady who lived here before were burnt" "Awesome" "Yes, him as well" "Apparently the police found traces of petrol, do you know anything about that?" "Oh that could be my husband, Edward." "You see, he was bursting to redeem himself" "Hello hello, what's going on?" "What's all this shouting?" "We'll no trouble here!" "This man's writing a history" "Local history?" "Yes, your wife's just about to share her memories with me" "Bitch!" "Did he pinch them?" "No, but he wanted to..." "A breast-pincher, eh?" ""Mr. Tittytouch"" "Getting warm by finger nipples women'?" "Come across your type before in the forces" "You wont get far!" "Edward and Tubbs Tattsyrup" "They died in the fire along with their son David" "What can you tell me about them?" "Were good people." "Loving, local people" "Their only crime was to resist change" "They didn't like change" "We didn't even gift change" "We?" "Strangers would come to the town to the shop" "Young, most of them in gangs of one or two!" "They wanted to browse, to finger the things" "My precious things..." "They'll offered us money in return for goods" "Well, you are a shop!" "Yes a local shop!" "Selling local goods to local people!" "We don't bothered the outside world we don't want it bothering us!" "Edward!" "The local shop stood this sight for generations reduced to ashes by ignorance and fear of snoopy breast-pinchers like you" "Prepare to die, stranger" " No Edward!" " Tubbs!" "No more..." "Hasn't been enough killing for one lifetime?" "But he's not local!" "It doesn't matter" "What?" "!" "Don't you see, Edward?" "If you live in London, you're local to London" "If you live in Plymouth, you're local to Plymouth" "Everybody's local...to somewhere" "Get out of my way Tubbs or, so help me God, I will shoot you" "You said we've to redeem ourselves, Edward" "This is our chance let the man go, Edward" "let it all...go" "Tubbs, I'm so tired..." "You've chosen wisely!" "And now you've earn the right to enter the kingdom of Swansea" "Who are you?" "Oh, I have many names." "Some calls me Jehovah, some Muhammad, some Mr. Tittytouch?" "If you like" "I knew that I had to test you to see if you were fulled redeemed and now you have atoned for your sins you can spend eternity in my kingdom" "Come!" "Join us!" "Oh, Edward, it's beautiful!" "David's here, he's loving" "Join us!" "Sorry, Edward." "There's nothing for you here" "Noooooooo!" "Tuuuuubsssssss!" "Please, don't leave meeeee!"