"Erectile dysfunction is a fact of life." "and so is she." "don't let your sex drive fail you because your wife looks like a shriveled prune." "Fake it with Cialis." "but you won't care for three hours." "And you can still have your own separated bathtub later on." "You feel like having some fun?" "Did the Cialis commercial turn you on again?" "How about I put on the uniform?" "What do you think?" "You know you like it." "ma'am." "I have a package from Amazon for you." "I'm barely dressed." "If you'll just sign right here." "Mr. UPS man." "ma'am?" "UPS man!" "What's the matter?" "You've been crying all morning." "What's going on?" "my God." "Are you sure about this?" "This is a big deal." "You have to be absolutely 100%." "Kyle!" "not until I figure out what to do." "273)}– What happened?" "– Take a look." "273)}– What's this?" "– Ike found out last night." "My mom's having sex with the UPS man." "dude. like they actually had sex?" "full on." "Ike saw everything." "It totally makes sense now." "She's been ordering from Amazon." "she doesn't remember what she's ordered." "She's probably been having sex with the UPS man for a long time." "273)}– Are you gonna tell your dad?" "– I don't know." "but it's so embarrassing." "Have you stopped to think that maybe the sex wasn't consensual?" "Isn't it possible you mom was raped by the UPS man?" "and he shows up to all our houses." "normal person would want sex with Kyle's mom?" "273)}– Not now." "– Hear me out!" "Haven't you seen those ATT commercials?" "Women these days get raped by normal white guys in broad daylight." "but I'm getting some goddamn security." "or do we stay out of it?" "How do we tell him?" "but the UPS man is banging your wife." "It's none of my business." "I'd want to know." "How do you know she's not?" "Think about it. who clearly has a kind of insatiable lust..." "Someone who'd have sex with Kyle's mom would have sex with anything." "He can't be trying that with all of our wives." "Wouldn't be the first time." "There's to be price to be paid of having things convenient." "Used to be... a man had to go to the store to buy himself a pitcher of milk." "But men got lazy." "They wanted that milk delivered right to the door." "Only problem was the guy delivering that milk ended up fucking your wife. but your wife was getting pounded out like a mallard duck. and the milkman's come back." "And none you are safe. and break-in monitors on all windows." "Those are not secured at all." "Really?" "I don't think I can afford this." "Do you want to get raped?" "Haven't you seen the commercial?" "You can get raped by a white guy these days!" "it's not enough to be fearful of strangers these days." "What?" "houses are burglarized by someone the victim knows." "I knew it." "Kyle is always taking my stuff!" "I couldn't find my iPod headphones." "That sneaky little Jew. how much is feeling secure in your own home worth?" "There's dangerous people out there trying to screw us both!" "Don't you need to go to work?" "I think..." "I'll just hang out a little longer." "I'll get it." "I've got a couple of packages from Amazon for you." "Yeah?" "If I can get your signature right there." "Sure... is it?" "– Thad." "Nice." "You having a busy day?" "Just trying to get to everyone." "I'll bet." "Thad." "these came for you." "273)}– Stuff from Amazon?" "– What are they?" "I can't remember." "and you can't remember what?" "The paring knives I ordered." "I was a little tipsy." "This is the book Stan's been wanting." "Can you take it up to him?" "sure." "People order things from Amazon and forget what they got." "you've got stuff from Amazon." "Shit!" "This is Jeff with Wolf Home Security." "Is everything all right?" "I live here." "I can't remember the alarm code." "Do you have your security pass phrase you can tell me?" "My pass phrase is:" ""Kyle is a dirty no good Jew"." "Kyle is no good lying Jew"." "I've got something different." "Is it: "My friend Kyle is a no good dirty..." "I wrote it down." "273)}– No problem." "– Sorry about this." "It happens all the time." "thanks." "Wait... that's all right"?" "What if I was somebody trying to rape my mom?" "Do you want to?" "You're so cool about the alarm and me not knowing the password." "How do you know I'm not making it up?" "I could have raped her twice by now." "You said you lived there." "but you don't know that." "I could be Kyle trying to take more of my shit!" "How did you get rid of him?" "How did you get rid of the milkman?" "There's no getting rid of him." "Not in any way you folks will be prepared for." "best to let him go on fucking your wives." "Maybe he'll get tired of it." "It's not just our wives anymore." "he came for me." "I opened the door." "It was the UPS man." "He had a box from Amazon. and then I remembered I had ordered it." "and I barely had any recollection." "The UPS man is using his powers to try to have sex with me now." "You said we wouldn't be prepared to get rid of him." "How did you?" "We used a pretty blonde to lure him in." "she told him to follow her to the bathtub. and asked the milkman to fill the tub with milk." "Do you want that milk pasteurized? just up to my boobs." "I can splash it in my eyes." "That's when we jumped him." "It was over in minutes." "Then we burned his body. then you've got to go to the store for your stuff from then on." "you've got to pay up front." "You'll get your money when you've done what I asked. got it?" "Wolf Home Security." "Is everything all right?" "and he's about to rape my mom." "she's upstairs." "Did you hear me?" "A rapist is here." "He's white." "Should we contact the police?" "you fucking should contact them." "My mom is about to get raped!" "We're contacting them now." "you better hurry." "the police is on their way." "'cause the guy will be pretty wiped out." "The fuck!" "Mr. Stotch." "Looks like another Amazon package." "What I feel for you is just some kind of spell." "Sorry?" "Just let me sign." "He's coming to you." "Mr. UPS man." "You should have left our wives alone." "let's go for a drive." "You can have whatever's in the back." "It's all stuff from Amazon." "Pull in here." "Just let me go." "Then we'd miss out on all the fun." "You should have never come to our town." "Mr. UPS man." "honey." "Thought we wouldn't find out?" "Who's there?" "This is Varachnu with Wolf Home Security." "A man broke into the house with..." "Varachnu?" "I didn't sign up to have an Indian guy." "Are you even in the United States?" "I am in United States." "That's bullshit." "Put your manager on." "Hold on." "This is Kevin with Wolf Home Security." "Is everything all right?" "It's not." "Why is a guy from India calling me when my house is being broken into?" "We have alarms going off across the country 14 times a minute." "That takes a lot of employees manning phones." "I'm not paying to have some guy on the other side of the Earth." "It doesn't matter." "We contact your neighborhood police." "I'm so relieved." "There's still one little problem. and you have done nothing about it?" "That fucked my head." "and the UPS guy just fucked my mom!" "people!" "I know you're all worried about your families security." "Bane has not been caught." "What are we supposed to do?" "none of us are safe." "we've got seven Banes." "What do we tell our kids?" "We can't leave them in the dark." "Wouldn't be the only ones in your family completely in the dark." "Nothing. but there's someone here who says he can." "We're more than happy to get your homes safe and secure. motion detectors in the living areas. to make sure your wives are safe outside the home." "what do you mean? alarms on your doors and windows aren't enough. but your fear levels as well." "A security system that is actually inside you." "It's called Insecurity." "We'll never forget the day we took our daughters to the beach." "What cute twins." "They're so adorable that I'm gonna bash their heads in!" "This is Peter with Insecurity." "Is everything all right?" "A white man tried to murder our twin girls." "A police car is in the way with blankets and cocoa." "I hope other people have Insecurity to protect their families." "pal?" "– I think it fits good." "Let's see if it fits better than this knife through your skull!" "This is David with Insecurity." "Is everything all right?" "A white shoe salesman tried to murder my son." "police are on their way with blankets and cocoa." "Don't let your family become another statistic." "Have peace of mind 245)}with Insecurity." "It just keeps getting worse." "I see stuff from Amazon every day." "My poor dad has no idea." "273)}– You're gonna have to tell him." "– I know." "Let's see you try and take my iPod headphones now!" "you should look elsewhere." "you fat bitch." "Fat bitch?" "It just so happens that this fat bitch has Insecurity now." "I'm protected from all you greedy Jews until you and your people die out." "it's growing." "This is Marcus with Insecurity." "Is everything all right?" "and it set my Insecurity." "please?" "It's uloveboobs." "uloveboobs." "loveboobs." "273)}– How did you know that?" "– My password is uloveboobs." "I get it." "That's pretty funny." "please." "Here you go." "Anyway..." "Goddammit." "Barnes  Noble and Ace Hardware." "Going around having to buy stuff again sucks." "we never have to deal with that UPS driver again." "He's back." "I just came from Will Paterson's house. and the UPS guy told her what he'd like to do to her." "273)}– How?" "– He dropped this on his way out." "my God!" "did you?" "I didn't think you had it in you." "We scared him." "We thought it'd be enough." "Milkman don't get scared." "Not with free pussy at every doorstep." "all right." "This guy doesn't know when to quit." "He's stopping at another house." "This guy is a lot tougher than we thought." "Must be why our wives want him so bad." "that's me." "This is Alan with Insecurity." "Is everything all right?" "false alarm." "Pass phrase is "tickle me homo"." "It's a joke. you've taught me that being honest is a basic Jewish tenet." "That's right." "doesn't it? it's best to deal with it yourself." "I got a delivery for you." "Come in for a minute." "I need you to come sit down for a second." "Here we all are." "do you want to tell Dad something?" "Mom?" "273)}– What's going on?" "– You know damn well what's going on." "This ends right now!" "and you need to go somewhere else!" "Don't you think I want to?" "I hate this damn town. and I'm just about sick of it." "my God!" "This is Brian with Insecurity." "Is everything all right?" "They blew up my car!" "Police are on their way with blankets and cocoa." "They're after me again." "Do something!" "I have another emergency coming in." "This is Brian with Insecurity." "Is everything all right?" "False alarm again." "and some fat bitch asked me if my dad likes cologne." "273)}– What the hell is going on out here?" "– Stay out of this." "Some men care about what their wives are doing." "You don't even have a wife." "Somebody answer me." "You have to send help now!" "sir." "This is Martin with Insecurity." "I'm thinking maybe Gerald's house is nicer than mine is." "This is Martin..." "I've had it with you people! but all you answering the phones are complete retards!" "This is Mike with Insecurity." "Is everything all right?" "Come down here!" "So you say this man killed himself because he was a psychopath who was forced to have sex with his mother?" "We found that in his pocket." "We found this in the closet upstairs." "273)}– That's mine." "– Yours?" "Give me that." "What we do in our bedroom is our business." "Wait a minute." "Dad was the UPS man?" "when people get older they need... to play and pretend to keep things interesting." "It's a way I can still be intimate with your mother without relying on silly sexual enhancement drugs." "It's over." "But you were wrong." "We don't have to be afraid of Amazon." "The only price to be paid for convenience is that we must be secure with ourselves." "don't you?" "Paying a man to do your job of protecting your house. that security man is fucking your wife." "Doors and windows should be armed." "Your motion detectors are running." "Just call me whenever you need me back." "273)}– Who are you?" "– It doesn't matter who we are." "What matters is our plan." "You should have respected my authority."