"Ben, where's the Mr Muscle?" "That's not what I meant." "Tennis rackets?" "What are these for?" "If you go to a garden party with the vice chancellor." "It's Manchester, Mum, not Gosford Park." "Ah, Maupassant." "I remember my first day at university." "Freshers' fair, Pimm's on the lawn," "Gilbert and Sullivan." "Performing live?" "Ah." "Durkheim." "You must be a little bit excited." "I can safely say this is the most exciting day of my entire life." " See?" " I'm finally blowing this dump." "It's funny Janey, sometimes you come over as an ungrateful cow." "Oh, thanks for the "sometimes", Mum." "Ah, Derrida." "Do something useful, instead of picking up Janey's books and going "ah"." "Sorry, Mum." "Ooh, Baudrillard." "You will be careful, won't you, Janey, about money and boys?" "According to this, they have counsellors for sexually transmitted diseases." " Michael!" " Janey won't be needing one of them." "No, I was thinking it would be a nice part-time job for her." "Dad." "Now Janey's going, can I have a pay rise?" "A what?" "Well, I'll be doing the work of two kids now." "No, Nick." "You're not a kid, OK?" "Janey's younger than you are and she's leaving home, all right?" "She doesn't love you as much as I do." "Go away." " Hi, Janey." "Nearly packed, then?" " Yep." " Thank God." " Oh, don't be sad." "You'll soon forget all about us." "New friends, parties, fresh horizons." "I bet you won't want to come home at all." " You sound happy to get rid of me." " No, no, no." "No, I'm really, really happy for you." "How nearly packed are you?" " Go on." " Yes." "Janey, er... your mother and I have bought you a going-away present." "Oh, wow." "A dictionary." "This is great." "It's fantastic." " Is it?" " Yeah." "I should get a few quid for this." "You are joking, aren't you?" "Of course." "You haven't written in it or anything, have you?" "I'd hate to think we'll cart these books to Manchester so you can sell them." "Stop thinking, then, Dad, it upsets you." "Nothing can upset me today." "Oh, God." " Hey, Dad." " Do you have to call me that?" "Who'd have thought it, eh?" "Our little girl flying the nest." "Before you know it, Michael will be gone too." "And then it will just be the three of us." "The way it was meant to be." "What was meant to be, Nick, was that you would have got a job and moved out years ago." "I was just waiting for the right job to come along." "Now it has." "Really?" "Something taxing, I expect." "What is it?" "Bonsai tree surgeon?" "Beer taster?" "No." "I'm working as a shelf stacker." "Wow." "Quelco Foods in the high street." "I'm in training right now." "Training?" "Breaks." "You know, Nick, there's no shame in honest labour." "You might be stacking shelves today, but who knows?" "If you work hard and stick at it, tomorrow you may be... ooh!" "stockroom manager." "Yes!" "That's right." "Always putting him down." "I'm not putting him down." "He's got a job, great." " You're being sarcastic." " I'm not." " There you go again." " I can't win, can I?" "No matter what I do, someone comes along and spoils things." " Dad." " See what I mean?" "Can I have L500 spending money?" "Yes, of course you can, dear." "Now that's being sarcastic." " You OK?" " Mmm." "Do you think she was all right when we left her?" "Who's that, dear?" " Janey." " Oh, yeah." "Yeah." "Oh, she's... she's fine." "That city just seemed so hard, cold and pitiless." "Believe me, she'll fit right in." "I don't believe you meant that." " It's better for both of us." " Oh, Ben." "I'm going to miss her so." "Perhaps we should get a dog." "We don't need a dog." " A cat." " No!" " A spider monkey." " What?" "Susan, why are you doing this?" "For the first time, I see hope for this family." "Janey's in higher education, Nick's got a job." "Michael's... voice is breaking." "Yes, believe me, I can see the sun rising over the dung hill." " So, you're happy?" " Yep." " Callous." "Can't you see I'm depressed?" " I'm sorry." " What is wrong, dear?" " Every time I walk past Janey's room," " I feel an emptiness waiting to be filled." " Yeah, I know what you mean." "Really?" " Spare room." " Ben!" "Come on." "Think what we could use it for." "Snooker room, den, home entertainment centre?" "I don't believe you." "Janey's barely left and you want to turn her room into Las Vegas." "Oh, very good." "Poker room." "Great." "Would you jump in her grave so quick?" "Susan, she's not dead, she's just a very nice long way away." "Exactly." "And when she comes back, it's important that she knows there's always a place for her." "Why?" "Because this is her spiritual home." "That room must remain sacrosanct." "We're talking about our daughter, not the Buddha." "Oh, Ben, all we have to remember her by is that room." "And 15 boxes of photographs." "Oh, that's it." "A darkroom." "I've always wanted to take up photography." "How can you be so heartless?" "I want to take up photography." " Well, we'll share it." " Hang on, hang on." "I haven't definitely decided yet." "I've got a number of things in mind." "An art room." "Yoga studio." "It's the right size for a loom." "What happened to "we must keep it sacrosanct"?" "I'm going to." "For a while." "I'll start on that room first thing in the morning." "Not if I get there first." "And how are you going to get there first?" "I'm next to the door." " Susan, Susan!" " Let me in!" "No, it's mine." "You said "sacrosanct"." "Susan, you are not doing the bloody room, OK?" " Stop it!" " Susan!" "Susan!" " Let me out!" " Let go of my leg!" "It's mine." "You're too late." "How long have you been here?" "Two minutes after you left this morning." "This is Janey's room and we're keeping it..." "What's that word, Susan?" " Sacrosanct." " Sacrosanct." "Thank you." "Now bog off." "I've got great plans for this room." "I was thinking of knocking that wall through." " That's the street." " Great." "A sun terrace." "You can't take Janey's room, your own room is a disgrace." " I know." "That's why I want this one." " You can't have this room!" "You can't have this room until you've tidied up your own room." "So I can never have this room." " Right." " What, Never?" " No." " Never, ever?" " No." " No." "Right." "Well, I'll be off." "When I come back, I want you to have changed your mind." " No." " Never ever ever?" "Just get out." "Ah." " Out, Nick!" " Out!" "I like what he's done with it, though." "Hello, Janey, it's me again." "I think I got cut off just then." "Oh, you did?" "Well, don't do it again." "I just thought you might be lonely." "No, no, I'm not lonely." "I just thought you might be because I read in the paper " "Hello?" "Who is this?" "Oh, are you?" "I'm sorry about that." "Just put my daughter back on and you can carry on with your precious lecture." "Hello?" "I think she got cut off again." "I'll have to call her back." "The snake who strikes too rashly may bite his own tail." "What..." "What is the book?" "The Art Of War." "It's an ancient Chinese treatise on the technique of warfare." "Yeah, yeah." "I know it very well, yeah." "Many a happy night I've spent under the bedclothes reading that book." "He's not normal, you know." "Of course it's all relative." "Here, Mum." "Ooh." "Star fruit, kiwi, mango, dragon fruit, papaya." " For me?" " No." "I just wondered what they were." "What's going to happen to Janey's room?" " Mum's going to get it." " What gives you that idea?" " She is stronger and smarter than you." " Thank you very much." "(Sniffs) And she's got nicer hair." "Actually, I think you'll find I'll end up with the room." "You're the one that's shown no interest in the room." "Cautious mountain cat wins the battle." "People won't like you." "I should have that room because I'm head of the household, and because I've got a clearer idea of what to do with the room, and because..." "I should have the room." "All right." "Have it, then." "What?" "Well, you want it so badly and I'm far too busy to argue with you." " Are you serious?" " Yes." "Yes!" "Ha!" "Ha!" "What a great day." "First Janey leaves, then you concede an argument." "Ha, ha!" "I don't know whether it should be lights in the sky or a two-headed calf born." "I've got the real thing." "You can have her." "I've got her room." "I've got her room!" " Janey..." " Janey, I've got your room." "Yes!" "Prancing monkey trips over concealed root of flowering winter cherry." " (Ben) Whoa!" " (Thud)" "Aaah!" "OK." "Who left this skateboard here?" "(Popping sounds)" "Oh, yeah." "Table tennis." "Michael!" " Yeah?" " Shift this lot." "OK." "What?" "No resistance?" "No, "Oh, Dad"?" "No demands for payment?" "No." "No." "Whatever you want is fine with me." "I'm playing a long game." "Wise antelope " "Wise antelope achieves thick ear if he doesn't shut up." "Face it, Dad." "It's going to be my room one day." "I'm 15 and you're what?" "67?" "You've maybe got ten years left in you." "I'm not the one about to die." "Perhaps not." "But I'm the one who will have to pay for your residential care, and this house should cover it nicely with quite a bit to spare." "Just get the bags and get out." "Go on." " Where am I taking them?" " Where do you think?" "The attic." "The attic?" "That's my bedroom." "Sometimes I think you're quite gifted." "Now hop it." "You're a horrible, horrible man and a terrible father." "My God, that's... awful." "We've run out of bin bags." "Look." "I got three bottles of Orangina for the price of two." "Ooh, really." "Oof!" "Drink yourself into a stupor." "Oh, no, no." "I don't think so." "Not on Orangina." "You're thinking of alcoholic drinks." "Oh, yes, I am." "And I got money off bleach and fabric softener." "Wow." "So it's back to your place for the party?" "No." "No, I'm not having a party." "What gave you that idea?" "(Mumbles)" "L3.27, please." "Much better value than Quelco up the road." "Yeah, I wouldn't shop at Quelco." " Oh, really?" "Why is that?" " They've got baboons on the checkout." "Is that legal now?" "Oh, God." "Good afternoon, sir." "Lovely day." "What in the name of all that's holy are you doing here?" " I work here." " You told me you work at Quelco." "Of course I did, otherwise you'd never have come here." "I've been praying for the day you come to my checkout with a groaning basket." "Why?" "I want you to see me make a success of something." " Success?" " Yeah." "Look." "Chocolate bourbons." "(Man) 49p." " See?" " Just get on with it, Nick." "Certainly." "Condoms." "L2.95." " Sorry." " Don't do it again." "Of course not." "I'm a professional." "Haemorrhoid cream." " L1.80." " Nick, why are you doing this?" "I'm just so happy you're here." "Oi!" "I thought I put you on pricing." "Where's Rhonda?" " I told her to take her lunch break." " That's not your job." " Do you think I could just..." " This will only take a minute." "You say that now." "You can't authorise lunch breaks." " But I like doing the tills." " I don't care." "You're supposed to price the tins and if you want to keep your job," "I won't see your face till it's done." " Don't be too hard on him." " What's it to you, sir?" "The thing is, he's... he's my..." "He's someone's son." "Probably." "Well, I feel sorry for the bloke." "(Both) Me too." "I thought you were going to turn this room into your hobby room." "I have." "This is it." "Sitting here quietly on my own, reading the paper." "Alone." "There you go again." "That old facade of cavalier indifference." "When I know deep down inside, you're feeling the loss." "Just like me." "No." "No, I'm... really, really happy." "Come on." "Not even a little bit sad?" "Nope." "You must feel something." "Nope." " Ooh!" "Ouch." "What did you do that for?" " I'm just trying to get you to open up." "Using my nipple as a ring pull?" "You'd be much happier if you admitted that you missed Janey." "I do." "In a... understated, manly sort of way." "Have you ever told her, told her that you missed her?" "Yeah." "When?" "A few..." "It was Wednesday." " Oh." "How?" " Phoned her." "What time?" "2:30." "What were your exact words?" "Janey, I miss you." "So much." " Really?" " Yeah." "You're lying, aren't you?" "Well, if I say I am, you're going to argue, and if I say I'm not, you're going to argue, so... good night." "Let me know who won in the morning." "Have you never heard of knocking?" "Everyone else seems to be stealing rooms." "We thought we'd join in." "A family thing." " We are not stealing." " No." "We pay the bloody mortgage." "Oh, that is so lame." "You'll be lame if you don't shift your arse." "Nothing can prevent the river from filling the empty cave." " It's a big game of musical bedrooms." " Nick, shut up." "You always say that but it never works." "And you know I don't allow eating in the bedroom." "I bet you don't say that to Dad." " Nick, come on." "Get out." " You taught us to steal other bedrooms." "Yeah." "The tiger may learn from the duplicitous ant." "That's it." "Out!" " They talk peace but bring no treaties." " Too right, Grasshopper." "Come on." "Get out." "Come on." " Oh, my God." " Sorry." "Well, I'm not sleeping on the wet patch." "Oh!" "No, no, no, Janey." "You're not listening." "When they say boiling water, they don't mean little bubbles, they mean a rolling boil." "Janey." "Janey." "I think we got cut off again." "You really must get that phone fixed." "Aren't you finished, dear?" "Mum, if you want to be the best pricer in the business, you've got to practise at home." "I'm pretty quick now." "Watch." "There." "Table." " 72p." " I'm impressed, dear." "Now stop." "Frodo Baggins action figure, 34p." "Anybody seen the tape measure?" "I want to put a lathe in my new room." " What do you want a lathe for?" " It's for turning wood." "Never mind." "I want to make a table leg and, you know..." " What about a wooden leg for a pirate?" " Yeah." "Yeah, really good idea." " So we're taking up carpentry now?" " Yeah." "I've got a room to do it in now." "You can make some new book shelves, a fitted wardrobe for the bedroom, and some new kitchen units." "Well, maybe not carpentry, then." "Maybe... something else." "Oh." "What's this?" "What?" "What's that?" "L1.99." "Pretty cool, eh?" "I priced him when he was asleep." "Oh, really cool!" "L1.99. Thanks a lot." " He priced me at L900." " Oh, really?" "Which bit?" "It's here." " What's the matter?" " Nothing." " Right." "I'd better get on with it." " Get on with what?" "Oh, right." "Interested now, aren't we?" "Yeah." "Janey, I'm saying this for your benefit, not mine." "Roughage." "I've got to go, your father's just rushed in with a can of tuna." " What's this?" " Yellowfin tuna, 79p." "I know what it is." "What is it?" "Homework." "What?" "I got a bit behind with the pricing, so I had to bring some home." "What?" "It's clogging up my hobbies room." "Oh, so it's your room now, is it?" "Yes, it's not the fish room, it's not the tin room, it's not even Nick's harebrained..." " Did you get this from the shop?" " That's right." " Does the manager know you've got it?" " Are you kidding?" "He's already looking for the slightest excuse to sack me." "I think he feels threatened." "What possible reason could he have to sack you?" "What?" "Like taking a lot of tuna and hiding it in his sister's bedroom?" " Yeah." "That kind of thing." " Nick, do you know how serious this is?" "I have heard that dolphins can get caught in the nets." "What were you going to do once you'd priced it up?" "Take it back to the shop, two cans at a time." "It will only take five to ten years." "Don't you think the price would go up by then?" "Not necessarily, Mum." "That's the Fresh Fare promise." "Oh, for God's sake!" "I don't care!" "Legally, these are stolen goods." "What if we got raided?" "Who by?" "The tuna police?" "Nick, take them back and explain to the manager what happened." " He won't believe him." " Of course he will." " Just look at this face." " Just look at it." "Right idiot." "I'm with Dad on this one." "That manager's a right Hitler, the type that always prosecutes." "You're on your own this time." "Cheerio." "No, no, no." "Nick!" "I'm not taking this back." " Well, goodbye." " No, Susan." "What about you?" " I've got to go to work." " So have I." " I enjoy my work, you don't." " Susan!" "I am not..." "I am not taking this back." " My God!" "Hide!" "Tuna police." " What?" "Hello, Dad." "Back so soon?" " Go away." " Going on holiday?" " No." " Had another baby?" " Stop it, Nick." " Dad, you dark horse." "Go away." " What are you gonna call it?" " Nick, stop it." "Nick!" "This is great." "My first shoplifter!" "I'm trying to keep your arse out of prison." "A likely story, sir." "If you'd like to come to the manager's office." "Please." "Please, I'm your father." "I'll be the man who shopped his own father." "They like that at Fresh Fare." "Could mean promotion." "Come with me, thief." "Don't you understand?" "It's a cry for help." "More seafood surprise, anyone?" "Susan, it's bloody tuna." "Oh, Dad, you've ruined the surprise now." "The day I never see another piece of tuna will be a day too soon." "You mean won't be a day too soon." "Nobody likes a smart arse." "Nobody likes a shoplifter." "Your father is not a shoplifter." "It was all a misunderstanding." "Yes, I mistakenly thought I would not be arrested by my own son." " You got away with it, didn't you?" " Yeah." "Pending psychiatric reports." "I can see it now." "I'll be in those Weird World columns as the Fish Man." "It's better than being called Old Doctor Grumpy Arse." "Who calls me that?" "No one." "And I had to pay for that tuna." "1,694 quid." "God." "We're going to be eating tuna for the next eight months." "Don't worry, I've got plenty of ideas." "You won't even know it's tuna." "Oh, joy!" "Well, there's an upside." "I've been banned from every Fresh Fare in the country." "Me too." "What a coincidence." "We could form a club." "Raw nerve." "Mum, can I have some more of this delicious tuna?" " Really?" " No, I'm trying to change the subject." "You've failed." "Tuna is the core..." "Hang on." "What's she doing here?" "Who?" "Her." "She misses the family so much, she thought she'd give us a visit." "I came to get my washing done." "I'll go as soon as it's dry." " I'll put the heating on." " I'll be here a couple of days." "You can have quality time with your father." "God, no." "Are you mad?" "When I left for university, I forgot to dump my boyfriend." "So you've come to give him the news?" "I can't do it over the phone." "The least I can do is break his heart in person over an expensive dinner." " You needn't think I'm paying for it." " Of course not." "Old Doctor Grumpy Arse is going to." "Oh, that's it." "That's more than enough!" "I've had enough of all of you!" "I'm fed up with Imelda Marcos here." "I'm fed up with our cash-and-carry quisling." "I'm fed up with... with Yoda." "Oh, God!" "It's not a family." "It's a..." "It's a... cheese nightmare!" "Ooh, was that cheese?" "So is that a yes or a no to the money?" "Oh." "Gone over to the dark side, he has." "Mmm?" "Well, I couldn't be happier." "The whole family together again." "Now, who's for sticky tuna pudding?" "I want some new shelves there and there." "This carpet disturbs my aura, it will have to go." "And, of course, recess lighting here and here." "That is just going to look adorable." "Write that down." "Er, excuse me." "What's going on?" " What does it look like?" " This is my room." "You said." "Yes, I did, didn't I?" "You spent the whole of last week convincing me you didn't want it." "Of course." "How else could I get you to clear out my room?" "New lamp shades." " Yes, new lamp shades." " Got it already." "That is so devious!" "Graceful swan outwits lumbering ox." "Lumbering ox stamps on irritating gnat." "You don't want a room, or need a room." "Yes, I do." "For my music." " What?" "What?" "What music?" " There you go, maestro." "I thought I'd take up the cello again." "I need something to fill the void in my soul." "(Mournful, out of tune melody)" "All right, Susan." "Please." "You win." "I really miss Janey."