"(elevator bell dings)" "Thank you for taking me to lunch, Oscar." "I'm so looking forward to it." "Well, it's a big day." "The third anniversary of us working together." "Ah, our work-iversary." "Yeah, keep saying it." "It's still not catching on." "Oh." "Listen, the last few years have been kind of rough for me, and I wanted to thank you for always being there." "(elevator bell dings)" "Oh." "Well, this was fun." "Off you go!" "Oscar." "Charlotte." "You going up?" "'Cause I'm going up, too." " Weren't you just getting off?" " No." "I forgot my keys upstairs." "Since I have you here..." "In an enclosed box with nowhere to go?" "Romantic, right?" "Oscar, how many times are you going to ask me out?" "Whatever the current number is, plus" ""Will you join me for a drink tonight?"" "Sorry, I'm busy." "I'm chairing a fund-raiser for the New York Philharmonic." "Are you kidding?" "!" "That's exactly where I was going to take you for the drink." "As I am also attending, as well." "Really?" "I did not have you pegged for a classical music guy." "Oh, yeah, love the stuff." "The classicker, the better." "Well, I'm surprised that you reserved a whole table, which, as you obviously know, is the only way you can buy tickets." "That was very generous." "It was, because I am generous." " But not crazy generous, right?" " (elevator bell dings)" "Are you sure you're not doing this just to impress me?" "Hey, if you're impressed, that's on you, sister." "Oscar, if you don't have your keys, how are you going to go in to get your keys?" "That's a good question." "I hadn't thought of that." "Well, see you tonight." "No, I want to stay." "Make sure you get in safely." "I can't, uh..." "There's no way to, uh..." "You shouldn't have to..." "Oscar, just go ahead and pretend to find your keys." "What?" "I'm not gonna put on a whole show just so you can..." "Hello." "What's this?" "Turns out I had 'em the whole time." "$2,000 for a table?" "!" "And you just eat at it, right?" "You don't get to take it home?" "You're supporting a good cause." "So that a bunch of rich people can... watch other rich people... play music?" "What the heck is this thing?" "Just book it." "I need to show Charlotte I'm a cultured guy." "With cultured friends to sit at the table." "Oscar, don't make me go to this." "Please?" "It's our work-iversary." "All right." "Using my catchy catchphrase against me." "Well." "I'm just back from the dentist." "Guess who is the Flosser of the Month." "Felix, thank God." "I need you to teach me everything you know about classical music." "Oh, my gosh, Oscar, I'm finally rubbing off on you!" "There was last month's napkin triumph, when you used one." "But now... a genuine interest in the arts." "Oh." "Where do I begin?" "I don't know." "Just give me the highlights." "Uh, okay." "(clears throat) From the dawn of time, when primitive caveman first pounded two rocks rhythmically together..." "Skip ahead!" "Charlotte's not taking me seriously, and I need to convince her I'm a classical music dork like you." "Oh." "So you're just doing this to con that poor woman." "Oscar, lying is no way to begin a relationship." "You're right." "I'm ashamed." "I'm gonna change my ways." "Really?" "No!" "See?" "I'm a great liar!" "I can totally pull this off!" "Just hit me with some facts." "I will not be a party to this deceit." "Fine, don't teach me." "I'll teach myself." "If I'm not mistaken, there was a movie called Beethoven." "Here it is." "Oh, and look, he had an adorable dog." "How long before you realized that film wasn't actually about Beethoven?" "20 minutes, but by then, that crazy mutt had ruined the barbecue, and I was hooked." "Teddy, Diane, thanks for coming." "Of course!" "We wanted to be here to support you, buddy." "Now, I know you said the tickets were on you, but, uh, how are we going to handle the parking?" "Don't listen to him, Oscar." "We're just excited to be out the house, and grateful you included us." "Mm-hmm." "I'll just get a receipt from the valet, and we'll settle up later." "Mm-hmm." "Hi, Teddy." "Hi, Dani." "I didn't know you were gonna be here." "Aw." "Is this the famous Diane?" "I've been working with your husband for three years, and now I finally get to meet you." "I'm Dani." "Oh, hello." "Teddy talks about you all the time, but he never said you were so pretty." "Aw." "You also never said Dani was a woman." "What?" "I'm sure I did." "(chuckles awkwardly)" "Greetings, Oscar." "Please do not mistake my presence as an endorsement of your scheme." "Please do not mistake my not giving a crap for my actually giving a crap." "Oh, come on." "It's fun to get all dressed up and have a date night." "Oh, yes, and there is no one that I would rather spend the night with than Nigel Hadyn-Plout." "Who?" "Is the featured performer tonight Nigel Hadyn-Plout?" "I had no idea." "How do I look?" "Emily, how do I look?" "Disturbingly turned-on." "Well, he's just the 21st century's most accomplished pianist." "(laughs)" "Sorry, I laugh every time I hear the word "pianist."" "I wonder where he is." "I'd love to talk to him about his interpretation of Chopin's Concerto No. 1." "Wouldn't you rather have a glass of champagne with me?" "Of course." "Look at me." "Here I am on a date with this enchanting creature, and I'm obsessing about some man I don't even know, who just walked by, and he's heading to the bathroom, and here I go!" "I'm going in!" "Emily, you will not believe what they have at the silent auction." "Two front-row tickets to Beyoncé." "No way!" "Oh, my God, I love Beyoncé." "My gay ex-husband was her for Halloween." "And on Wednesdays." "Let's put our names down." "Now, Teddy, you know how much I love my Beyoncé." "Oh, yeah, I know, boo-boo, but, um, it seems like Dani has her heart set on those tickets." "And you care about Dani more than you care about your wife?" "I'll be right back." "Oscar, you actually showed up." "I'm impressed." "Are you kidding?" "I love the philharmonic." "Which is an orchestra or society devoted to the performance of music." "Wow." "You really know your stuff." "Hey, we're doing a series on 18th century Viennese composers." "Who's your favorite?" "Oh, I don't like to play favorites." "Excuse me." "Felix, there you are." "Oscar, don't distract me." "I'm waiting for a man to come out of the bathroom so I can make my move." "Listen, I think Charlotte's on to me." "I warned you that deception was not the path to take." "Okay, so let's say I help you and you pull this off." "Great, let's say that." "(scoffs)" "Even if she believes the ruse, there's one person that you can never fool." "Yourself." "You will know that you are lying, and the guilt will eat away at your conscience." "You mean I should just forget about the girl like the son in the second Beethoven movie?" "I fell down a rabbit hole." "Might I make a radical suggestion?" "That you take a cue from the president for whom this great hall is named." "And like Abe, be honest." "At some point, you're going to have to reveal your true self." "Honesty, huh?" "Interesting." "Yeah, she might fall for that." "It's not something that you fall for." "I'm talking about real, genuine honesty." "When Emily and I started dating, we found that we were closest when we had the courage to be our true selves." "Aw. (chuckles)" "And now there is no one that I would rather spend time with than Nigel Hadyn-Plout." "He's coming!" "Even on Wednesdays, my ex wasn't that gay." "Excuse me." "I'm Nigel Hadyn-Plout." "(squeakily):" "Of course you are." "Are you Oscar Madison?" "Uh, yeah." "And I'm Relix Funger." "Felix Unger." "I'm a huge fan of your radio show." "Would you mind if I picked your brain?" "I'm in this fantasy football league, and I could really use some waiver wire advice." "Oh, uh..." "I'm a little busy tonight." "Oh, oh, I get it." "I hate it when fans approach me at these things." "A bunch of music wonks who want to talk about my interpretation of Chopin." "(scoffs)" "(chuckles)" "Nerds." "Well, good luck with your league." "I'm gonna put your honesty scam into effect." "It's not a scam." "Just be genuinely truthful." "Am I the last honest man on Earth?" "Damn." "I wanted to ask Oscar to join our fantasy league." "Yo-Yo Ma dropped out, so Plácido and I need someone else who's passionate about football." "Well, look no further." "Here I am." "That's why they call me Felix Football." "So, who's your favorite team?" "New York, of course." "Giants or Jets?" "Jets." "Uh, because when you're a Jet, you're a Jet all the way." "I have to be honest with you." "I had no plans to come here tonight." "I don't know anything about classical music." "I had a feeling." "When I asked you if you liked Vivaldi, you said you weren't a pasta guy." "Which is a lie on two levels." "I love pasta." "I think I was just trying to impress you." "Why can't you just tell the truth?" "I don't know, I guess I was worried you wouldn't... like the real me." "Well, why don't you give me a chance to get to know him?" "Because this conversation we're having right now... the one where you're actually being you... it's not bad." "Okay, honesty it is." "Sorry." "Duty calls." "No problem." "Felix, you're a genius." "Your honesty plan is officially working." "Oh, great, great, great, personal growth, very exciting." "Quick question." "Under what circumstances would a football team go for a two-point conversion?" "I'm sorry, did a coconut just land on your head?" "There is an opening in Nigel's fantasy league, The Quarter-Bachs." "Oh, and you need to pretend you know everything about football." "What happened to honesty?" "Who cares?" "!" "I am on the precipice of being in a fantasy football league with Plácido Domingo, who just happens to be the tenor on my fantasy opera team, which, yes, is a thing that I do." "Fine, I'd be happy to teach you." "Since the dawn of time..." "Skip ahead!" "What the hell?" "Teddy, why are you bidding on my Beyoncé tickets?" "Diane really wants those tickets." " And she's already kind of miffed." " Why?" "Well, you know, she's feeling a little threatened, knowing I'm working with a single, attractive woman." "What?" "That's ridiculous." "Well, not the "attractive" part, I'll give her that." "Yeah." "You know what, I don't want to cause any problems." "So you just take the tickets." "Oh, thank you, Dani." "Hey, baby." "Dani said that we can have those tickets." "Isn't that nice of you?" "And this way, you won't have to hunt down a man to bring." "Oh, no." "Look, they're putting out those mini-quiches you like so much." "Oh, it's on." "Excuse me, but I paid $2,000 to spend the evening with this woman." "It's not like that." "May I have this dance?" "♪ ♪" "In the spirit of honesty, I should tell you" "I'm a terrible dancer." "Since you're being honest with me," "I guess I should be honest with you." "I like you, Oscar." "Go on." "I've had my guard up, because my life has been complicated lately." "Uh, I just went through a painful divorce." "And also, as you know," "I have a son." "So if I were to get involved with someone, it couldn't just be some fling." "It would have to have potential to be something real." "Too far?" "Did I scare you off?" "No, no." "I mean, in the past, I'd be gone so quickly there'd be a me-shaped hole in that wall." "But I've grown up a lot lately." "At least, that's what my mid-40s male roommate says." "(laughs)" "And I'm definitely looking for something real, too." "Go on." "Wow, it feels good to be this truthful." "And I'm great with kids, by the way." "My sister has one." "I called it on its birthday." "Oh, I bet it appreciated that." "And I'm definitely looking to be serious with someone again." "Okay." "Just needs to be the right person, don't you think?" "I mean, I could see myself marrying someone like you." "Could you see yourself marrying someone like me?" "Did I just kind of propose to you?" "You kind of, sort of did." "And you want to run away now." "I kind of definitely do." "And I got a spray tan for this?" "So, the Steelers won't win until they can control the line of scrimmage." "Ah, yes." "The line of scrimmage." "The imaginary line the team cannot cross until play has begun." "Excuse me." "Your plan blew up in my face!" "I wasn't ready for honesty." "It was like giving car keys to a baby!" "So, listen, a lineman cannot catch a pass unless he first declares himself eligible?" "Damn it, Felix!" "I'm trying to talk about my feelings and all you care about is sports, sports, sports!" "I'm sorry, you're right." "Hang in there, buddy." "The game's not over until you've played the full... 60 minutes?" "Yes." "Huzzah!" "NIGEL:" "Damn it." "Everything okay?" "My regular page-turner can't make it tonight." "He got a nasty paper cut reading a novel." "Why is he taking those kinds of chances?" "Get a Nook, man!" "(sighs)" "Now I have to find someone who can sight-read music and is intimately familiar with my style." "I could do it." "You?" "Nigel, I know I seem like a football-loving badass, but I actually love classical music." "I don't mean to toot my own horn, but if you need me to, I can toot my own horn." "I'll see you onstage." "And, um... if you want to join another fantasy league, we'd love to have you." "I'll check my schedule." "What the hell?" "Oh, no, no, no, no." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!" "Teddy, what are you doing?" "I'm outbidding your sneaky asses." "(gasps)" "You said that Diane could have those tickets." " That was before she dissed me." " She is right." "Those tickets are ours!" "Whoa, how much?" "Dani, I am a waitress." "And not a good one." "I'm out." "Teddy, outbid her." " She's taking our tickets!" " Give me that pen." "Oh, no, you better get your hand off this pen." "You better give it to me." "You better give me my pen." "ANNOUNCER:" "Thank you for bidding." "This concludes the silent auction." "Damn it, Dani!" "If you liked it, then you should've put a bid on it." "I'm sorry, pumpkin." "Don't you "pumpkin" me." "You could have gotten me those tickets." "But I guess your work wife was more important." "Oh, stop being so jealous!" "That's why I didn't tell you Dani was a woman." "Wait a minute." "You never told her I was a woman?" "What?" "I thought I did." "No wonder she's throwing me shade." "This is your wife." "You can't keep stuff like that from her." " Dani, stay out of this." " Don't you snap at her." "Thank you, Diane." "Wait a minute now." "You know what, Diane?" "Since Emily backed out on me, would you like to go to the concert with me?" "Girl, I'd love to." "Teddy will pay for the tickets." " Huh!" " Oh..." "And watch the kids." "Oh..." "Aw, Lord have mercy." "These seats better be on Beyoncé's lap." "Emily, great news." "Nigel Hadyn-Plout has enlisted me to be his substitute page-turner." "That's great." "How did that happen?" "Hmm?" "Oh, I won him over with my sparkling personality." "And a slightly fabricated knowledge of American football." "Wait, you lied?" "Weren't you just telling Oscar that the guilt from lying would eat away at him?" "Oh, you know me." "Always spouting on about something." "Blah, blah, germs, blah, blah, cell phone etiquette." "I can't believe it." "You're the most ethical person I know." "You almost had a heart attack going through the "ten items or less" lane yesterday." "I had two six-packs." "You do the math." "All I'm saying is, you are not cut out to be dishonest." "ANNOUNCER:" "Ladies and gentlemen, please take your seats for our performance." "Now, if you'll excuse me," "I have to assist a pianist." "(laughing)" "ANNOUNCER:" "Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Mr. Nigel Hadyn-Plout." "(applause and cheering)" "Can someone please get this lyre off the stage?" "Oh, the harp." "A lyre is also a harp." "Tonight I will be performing a late Renaissance sonata entitled "La Punizione Del Seduttore."" "Which, loosely translated, means:" ""The Punishment of the Deceiver."" "Felix Unger... will be assisting me." "(playing dramatic sonata)" "Felix." "Felix!" "(continues playing)" "Sorry... sorry." " (discordant chord sounds)" " Oh, I'm sorry." "Ow!" "Aah!" "I'm sorry!" "I shouldn't be up here onstage!" "I know nothing about football!" "I'm a fraud and a liar!" "Hi there." "Can I talk to you for a second?" "Oscar, it's a busy night." "Can we pick this up another time?" "No, I have to ask you this now or I'll regret it for the rest of my life." "(sighs)" "Charlotte... will you please not marry me?" "Wait, what?" "I got way ahead of myself." "We haven't even been on a real date yet." "And the whole point of dating is to find out all the awful things about a person so you can stop dating them." "And that's what I want with you, Charlotte." "I want to find out all the awful things about you." "And I want you to know all the crappy things about me, too." "Oh, God, there's more?" "Tons more." "Look, if we want this relationship to fail, we're really gonna have to work at it." "So what do you say?" "You want to grab a cup of coffee?" "I do." "I call my mother four times a day." "I've never left a penny, but I always take a penny, even if I don't need one." "I steal Wi-Fi from the nursing home across the street." "I lost my last baby tooth when I was 26." "That's weird." "Yeah?" "Well, why don't you call your mom and tell her about it?" "(laughs)" "Wait." "Before you go," "I owe both of you an apology." "Oscar, I'm sorry, I should've taken my own advice and been more truthful." "And, Charlotte, I'm sorry for nearly wrecking things with your pianist." "(laughs)" "I'm sorry." "I know it's immature, but I always giggle when someone says "pianist."" "I think you're going to have to marry that woman." "(film score playing, Felix laughing)" "(television shuts off)" "Hey." "How was coffee with Charlotte?" "Amazing." "Turns out she's a big football fan, too." "And we both laugh every time we hear the name "Dick Butkus."" "A match made in heaven." "Or kindergarten." "Well, I'll see you in the morning." "(dog barks)" "Are you watching Beethoven?" "I-I was just, uh... checking it out." "Honestly, I don't know why you find it so engaging." "Wait, is that a camping trip?" "Is this Beethoven 3?" "It's called Beethoven's 3rd." "I went down a rabbit hole." "(Beethoven barks)" "(laughing):" "Oh..." "Beethoven."