"A-hem!" "A-hem!" "Bernard, is it important?" "I must finish these Defence papers." " This is more urgent, Minister." " What is it?" "Your Christmas cards, Minister." "They can't be postponed any longer." " Eugh." "Which is which?" " They're labelled." "These you sign Jim; these Jim Hacker; these Jim and Annie; these Annie and Jim Hacker;" " these Love from Annie and Jim." " And those?" "Those are printed and those have cyclostyled signatures so you needn't write anything." "Make sure none of them should have been personally signed Jim or Jim Hacker or Jim and Annie or Annie and Jim Hacker or Love from Annie and Jim." " What about those?" " Constituency cards." "Your agent left them." "As you see, they've been divided up." "Those you sign Jim; those Jim Hacker; those Jim and..." "Thank you, Bernard!" "I think I've got the gist." " Is that it?" " Apart from the ones at Party headquarters." " Party HQ?" "I didn't do those last year." " You weren't Party Chairman last year." "Oh." "Do I have to send this one?" " Why not?" " It's to Maurice in Brussels." "He forced through the plan to standardise the Euro sausage." "Euro sausage?" "Next year we'll be waving goodbye to the good old British sausage, forced to accept some foreign muck like salami or bratwurst or something." "They can't stop us eating the British sausage!" "They can stop us calling it a sausage." "It'll be called the emulsified high-fat offal tube!" "And you swallowed it?" "It's my job to implement EEC regulations." "It could finish my career." " What have they got against our sausage?" " Don't you ever read the papers you give me?" "I glanced at it, but it rather put me off." "Apparently, there's not enough meat in it." ""The average British sausage consists of 32.5% fat, 6.5% rind," ""20% water, 10% rusk, 5% seasoning, preservative and colouring" ""and only 26% meat," ""which is mostly gristle, head meat, other offcuts" ""and mechanically-recovered meat..." ""...steamed off the carcasses."" "I don't feel particularly..." "I had one..." "I had one for breakfast." "Perhaps the EEC commissioner is right." "He may be, but it'll be extremely unpopular with the voters." "We shall just have to grit our teeth and bite on the bullet." "You can't bite a bullet when gritting your teeth." "If you do that, you can't get a bullet..." "Sorry." "By the way, you were going to advise me what presents to get for the private office." "That's up to you." "Bottles of sherry for the assistant secretaries, large boxes of mints for the diary secretary and correspondence secretary and small boxes of mints for the rest." " What about my Personal Private Secretary?" " That's me." " Ah, yes, of course!" "What should I give you?" " You don't have to give me anything." " I know, but I'd like to." " Oh, Minister..." " Well, anything, really." " Such as?" "Well, really I would like a surprise." "What sort of surprise should I give you?" "A bottle of champagne is the customary surprise." " What time is my meeting with Humphrey?" " That's been cancelled." "Sir Humphrey had an urgent meeting with the Cabinet Secretary." "The Cabinet Secretary." "Always makes me feel rather nervous." "In some ways, Sir Arnold is the most powerful chap in the country." "Permanent access to the PM, controls Cabinet agenda, controls access to everything." "I wonder what he's up to?" " By the way, Humphrey..." " Yes?" "I've decided to retire early." "Oh!" "Have you, Arnold?" "In the New Year." "Ah..." "My successor has to be someone who can be firm with our political masters." "Absolutely." "No nonsense with that lot!" " But tactful..." " Exactly." " Suave, charming, emollient..." " And above all, sound." "Sound?" "Oh, yes, sound." "So my duty is to convey a recommendation to the Prime Minister as to which of the present Permanent Secretaries best meets these stringent criteria." "And, er Have you, er..." "Er, er, is there, er..." "Does anyone, er..." "You see, in this job, the problem isn't really finding the answers, it's finding the questions." "We need the man who can find the key question." "By the way, Arnold, to change the subject completely," " what will you be doing when you retire?" " Ah, very good question!" " Very good question." " There might be jobs you could pick up, ways you could serve the country, which your successor, whoever he might be, could put your way - er, persuade you to undertake!" "I had been giving it some thought." "I'll be chairman of the Banque Occidentale and there'll be directorships of IBM and BP and so on." " But I was thinking..." " Yes?" "The Chairmanship of the Opera House Trust will be coming up next year." " Chairman of Covent Garden..." " And the chancellorship of Oxford." "The deputy chairmanship of the Bank of England would be a A challenge?" " A challenge, exactly." "And head of the Security Commission." "The presidency of the Anglo-Caribbean Association would give one a chance to be of service." "Precisely!" "Especially during the winter months." "I'm sure any successor worth his salt could arrange these." "Do you think so?" "That's very reassuring, very reassuring." "But there is another thing." "Certain advice one may have given the Prime Minister could, if it emerged, be misinterpreted." " Er, what sort of advice?" " All sensible and reasonable, but advice about using troops during strikes." "A very sensible precaution that they should be armed, but, taken out of context, machine guns..." "Oh, I'm sure that need never come out." "And I did suggest negotiations with South Africa about reactivating the Simonstown naval base." "Absolutely sensible strategically, of course, and a great help with the Falklands, but if one were in line for Secretary-General of the Commonwealth..." "Embarrassing." "And you would be in line to be Secretary-General of the Commonwealth." "Would I?" "How gratifying!" "And I'm sure that the right successor would see no problem in keeping those files under wraps." "Good." "Anyway, to get back to our original point," "I think my colleagues and I can see our way forward to placing your name top of the list." "I see." "May I ask how many other names will be on the list?" "Oh, I don't think there's anyone else who's up to scratch." "Have another drink." "By the way, I've accepted the presidency of the Campaign for Freedom of Information." "Freedom of Information?" "!" "What on earth for?" "Well, it's very popular with the Opposition, and today's Opposition is tomorrow's government, and it will mean one can ensure that the freedom is not abused." "So, here's to the continuity of sound government." "And freedom of information." " Whenever it's in the national interest." " Oh, yes!" "(HE HUMS)" " Minister, I have some very grave news." " Yes, Humphrey?" "The relationship, which I might tentatively aver has been not without a degree of reciprocal utility, and even occasional gratification, is approaching a point of irreversible bifurcation and, to be brief, is in the propinquity of its ultimate, regrettable, termination." "I see." " I'm... on my way out." " What?" "There comes a time when one has to accept what fate has in store, when one passes on..." "Passes on?" "!" "...to pastures new, perhaps greener and places oneself finally in the service of one who is greater than any of us." " Humphrey, I'm so sorry!" " Thank you, Minister." " Does Lady Appleby know?" " She's suspected it for some time." " When did they tell you?" " This afternoon." " How long do they give you?" " Just a few weeks." "Weeks?" "!" "It'll give me enough time to sort everything out." "Humphrey, you're so terribly brave!" "One is a little anxious." "One is always wary of the unknown, but I have faith I'll muddle through." "Minister, what's the matter?" "I'm sorry, Humphrey." "It's just we've had our ups and downs, but..." "Oh, Minister, don't take on so!" "We'll still see one another regularly." " Yes, once a week at least." " What?" " I haven't told you where I'm going yet." " Eh?" "I have been appointed Secretary to the Cabinet." " Secretary to the Cabinet?" " Why, what did you think?" "I..." "I thought..." "I thought..." "Sorry about crying." "I'm not myself today, a little tired." "Overwrought." "Things have been, you know..." "I am so sorry." "Perhaps as Cabinet Secretary designate I should suggest some lightening of the load..." " No, no." "Don't misunderstand me." "I'm fine, fine!" " Good, good." " So, you're going to be Cabinet Secretary." " Yes." " Cabinet Secretary!" " Mm-hmm." " Secretary to the Cabinet!" " YES!" " That's a great honour." "Congratulations." " Thank you." " 'Course, that means that you and I..." " Alas, yes." " How shall I manage?" " Probably even better without me." "Yes, I probably..." "No, no, certainly not, no!" "So you're going to do for the Prime Minister what you've always done to me." "For me!" "PM's right-hand man." " Advising on issues." " Quite so." "And, er, and people, no doubt." "Minister?" " Humphrey..." " Yes, Minister?" "I want you to know I think you've been absolutely wonderful." "Highest admiration for all you've done." "Wonderful work." "Wonderful work." " Finest tradition of the service." " Minister, you're too kind." "I just hope you feel that I..." "In my..." "When things are..." "Well, it..." "If it should come up, er..." "I think we've made a jolly good team here, you and I?" " I couldn't have wished for a better Minister." " Humphrey, you're too kind!" "When are you going to tell the staff?" "On Friday evening, just before it's promulgated." " I will bid them farewell at the Christmas party." " That will certainly make it a happy occasion!" " And sad." " Sad, yes, sad." "Terribly sad." " Enjoying yourself?" " Yes, thank you, Minister." " Enjoying yourself?" " Yes, Minister." "Lovely party." " Yes, it's frightfully good fun." " Always good to let your hair down." "Right, now I think it's time I said a few words." "This is a very, very special occasion for us all." "Peace on Earth, goodwill to all men." "Sorry, persons!" "It's always good to have this little get-together amongst the people who've served me, er worked with me... for me... no, with me here at the Department of Adminis Ministry of Administr at the DAA." "We're a team, like the Cabinet, except we're all on the same side..." "Not that the Cabinet..." "Well, I meant... really, the shadow Cabinet." "Let's keep politics out of this." "Season of goodwill." "That's why Parliament doesn't sit over Christmas!" "Season of goodwill." "Even to one's officials!" "Well, what can I say?" "Humphrey." "(BERNARD) Sir Humphrey Appleby!" "(ALL) Sir Humphrey Appleby!" "Thank you." "I'd just like to thank you all for all the hard work you've done all these years." "An occasion like this engenders a certain emotional ambiguity and personal ambivalence." " What's he ambigulous about?" " While one is, one should say, honoured by the cause of one's departure, one is saddened by the fact of it - in particular, saddened to leave the service of a Minister without parallel in one's experience." "I say, that's jolly decent." " A unique partnership." " Absolutely unique." "So I should end by wishing a happy Christmas to you all, but in particular to a Minister whom, in the brief time we've had him with us we've watched grow in standing, stature and sureness of touch." "So, seasonal felicitations to you all, but please, please, do remember the Home Secretary's campaign for the holiday:" "Don't drink and drive this Christmas." "I'll drink to that!" "..." "Oh, dear, I'm sorry!" " I do wish you'd let me drive, Jim." " I'm driving perfectly stably." "True, but we have to get home before dawn!" "Good evening, Cinstable." "Happy Crispsmas." " May I see your licence, sir?" " Certainly." " Aren't you Mr Jim Hacker?" " That's right." " What seems to be the trouble?" " Any reason you were driving so slowly?" "I didn't want the kerb to hit me..." "I didn't want to hit the kerb." "Look, I've got a silver badge somewhere." " I see." "Perhaps Constable Evans can drive you." " It's all right, Officer." "I'll drive." "OK, Mrs Hacker." "If you're in a proper state to drive." "I don't drink, Officer." "Well, not when my husband's driving." "Nor do I, hardly." " There we are." " Nice little place you have here, Humphrey." " Thank you." " You handled your first Cabinet meeting well." " What was it like sitting next to the PM?" " Do sit down, Minister." "I've asked you to drop in for a coffee because the Home Office informs me of a traffic incident." "Oh." " Yes, I see." " It's entirely your own affair..." " Precisely." " But the PM takes a grave view." " He feels Ministers should set an example." " You're not ticking me off, are you?" "Far be it from me, I'm only a servant of the Cabinet, a humble functionary." "But I need to assure the Home Office it won't occur again." " What do they give us silver badges for?" " It's a very special privilege, Minister." "It allows us to pass through police cordons and park in prohibited areas and so forth." "It is not to protect drunks who drive cars." "I will not be lectured by a functionary, even one as humble as your good self." " I'm a Minister of the Crown." " Yes, of course." "I do apologise." "I will inform the Crown of the incident if that is your wish." "I..." "Now I think of it, you can tell the Home Office I take the point." " Thank you, Minister." " Does the Home Secretary himself know?" "It hardly matters." "I'm afraid the Home Secretary has not been as lucky as you were, which is why he wasn't at Cabinet." "As you're aware, he initiated this "Don't drink and drive at Christmas" campaign and ordered the police to "get tough"." "Well, unfortunately he, too, was picked up last night for drunken driving in his own constituency." "Have you seen the first edition of the Standard?" " Where on earth was his security man?" " He'd given him the slip." "You know how cunning these drunks can be." "Couldn't they have hushed it up?" "Silver badge job?" "His case was rather different." "He caused a lorry to overturn." "It was full of nuclear waste." "Then he rebounded from the lorry into a private car driven by the editor of a local newspaper." "Oh, no." " Inevitably, it leaked out." " The nuclear waste?" "No, the story." " The Home Secretary will have to resign." " Alas, yes." " What will happen to him?" " Well..." "I gather he was as drunk as a lord, so after a discreet interval, they'll probably make him one!" "He's obviously been held up." "You can stamp some cards if you like." " Aren't they to constituents?" " Yes." "That's not government business, that's political activity." "I'm not allowed to help with that." " If they're to journalists?" " That'd be OK." " They're to journalists." " Fine." "I suppose licking is an essential part of relationships with the press." " I hear the reshuffle is about to be announced." " It may be on the news." "I like to watch the news." "It's my best chance of finding out where Jim is." "(NEWSREADER)..." "There was no question of American military personnel getting involved." "We've j'ust had a newsflash from Number 10 Downing Street." "The Prime Minister is to retire early in the New Year." "He does not want to serve in another Parliament, giving his successor a good run-up to the next election." "We'll bring you further news as soon as we can." "(ALL) Have you heard?" "(ALL) Yes!" " The emergency Cabinet meeting was to tell us." " Why so suddenly?" "He said to give his successor a good run-up to the next election, so that can't be the reason." " Why, then?" " Some extraordinary rumours are going about." "The left say he's a secret CIA agent." " The right say he's a secret KGB agent." " Minister, I've heard something quite different, that there is £1 million-worth of diamonds from South Africa in a Downing Street safe," " but it's only a rumour." " Is that true?" "Yes." "So, there ARE all those diamonds in Downing Street!" " Are there?" " You said there were!" " I didn't." " You did!" " I said is the rumour true, you said yes!" " True it's a rumour." " You heard it was true!" " True I heard it!" " Sorry to cut in, but do you believe it?" " I believe I heard it." " Oh, about the diamonds?" "No." " Is it impossible?" "No, but it's never been officially denied." "First rule of politics:" "Never believe anything until it's officially denied." " Will there be a general election?" " There's no need." "The majority's big enough." "We'll just choose a new leader." " Do you want the job?" " Me?" "No chance!" "It'll either be Eric or Duncan." "It should have been Ray." "He was Deputy Leader." "But as he's had to resign as Home Secretary..." " Of course!" "That's why the PM resigned!" " (BERNARD) Why?" "He's always hated Ray." "He just hung on to make sure his deputy didn't get the leadership!" "Like Attlee and Morrison." "So the resignation is to give time for the new leader to be run in before the election?" " Now that the Home Secretary's been run in!" " Eric wants my support for the leadership." "He could be the right man." "He's been a fairly successful Chancellor." "I've already indicated that I'm... on his side." " What about Duncan?" " Yes, Duncan could be the man." "He's done fairly well at the Foreign Office." " I think I'll support Duncan." " You're supporting Eric AND Duncan?" "It's all very well, but if I support Eric and Duncan gets it, that's it." " If I support Duncan and Eric gets it, that's it." " Don't support either!" " Whoever gets it, that's it." " So who are you supporting?" "Duncan." "Or Eric." "Duncan's so divisive." "It really would be for the good of the party," " the good of the country..." " Eric, I don't see how I can." "Your support would be crucial." "You're universally popular..." " I don't know..." " Good public image..." " Yes..." " Regarded as sound." " Am I?" " So, if you put your weight behind me..." "You see my problem as chairman of the party." " What would happen if Duncan got it?" "Disaster!" " Well..." "Tell you what." "I wouldn't keep him at the Foreign Office." "I'd look for a new Foreign Secretary." "But as I said, I must appear impartial." "But if there could be ways of hinting at my support for you in a perfectly impartial way..." " But Duncan, as chairman of the party..." " As such you carry even more weight." "You haven't got any real enemies." "Not yet, anyway." "But it's my job to be impartial." " If Eric got into Number 10 it'd be catastrophic." " Yes..." "Jim, we're on the same side, aren't we?" " Yes." " Good." "I'm going to win and I never forgive people who let me down." "I can't make my support too public." "It doesn't have to be public, just so long as everybody knows." "Then when I'm in Number 10, and Eric's in Northern Ireland..." " we know who'll be the next Chancellor, don't we?" " Do we?" "You mean...?" "Unless you fancy Northern Ireland yourself?" "How are things at the Campaign for the Freedom of Information?" "Sorry, I can't talk about that." "So, will the new PM be our eminent Chancellor, or our distinguished Foreign Secretary?" "Well, which do you think it should be?" "Difficult." "Like asking which lunatic should run the asylum." "Trouble is, they're both interventionists, with notions about running the country themselves" " if they became PM." " Have we any allies?" "Quite a few, the Chief Whip particularly." "He's worried that whichever gets the job will antagonise the other's supporters" " and split the party." " So we need a compromise candidate." "Hmm." "Malleable." " Flexible." " Likeable." " No firm opinions." " No bright ideas." " Not intellectually committed." " No strength of purpose to change anything." "Someone who can be manipulated, professionally guided." "And leave the business of government in the hands of the experts." "Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear!" "It's impossible." "Why?" "A lot of the government would welcome a less-interventionist leader." " Not the other two candidates!" " They might be persuaded." " What, to stand aside?" " Yes." "Have you seen their Ml5 files?" " No." " Always send for Cabinet Ministers' Ml5 files if you enjoy a good laugh!" " Oh, Bernard." " Sir." " Just..." " Thank you very much." " Do sit down." " Thank you." " Happy New Year, by the way." " Thank you." "Right." "So this is our very last piece of DAA business." " Yes, I'm afraid so, Sir Humphrey." "Ah, well." "Bernard, just let me ask you something." "What would you say to your present master as the next Prime Minister?" " The Minister?" " Yes." " Mr Hacker?" " Yes." " As Prime Minister?" " Yes." " Are you in a hurry?" " Just checking it's not April 1st." "Are you suggesting your Minister is not up to the job of Prime Minister?" "Oh, no, Sir Arnold, it's not for me to, er..." "Well, I mean..." "Of course, I'm..." "I'm sure he's, er..." "Oh, gosh!" "There is a body of opinion that sees many advantages in the appointment." " For Britain." " For Britain." " Yes, well, yes..." " So we trust you to ensure your Minister does nothing incisive or divisive over the next few weeks." " Avoids anything controversial." " Expresses no firm opinion about anything." " Now, is that quite clear?" " I think that's what he was planning anyway." "What's it all for, Bernard?" "What are we all doing?" "What does it all mean?" "I didn't read theology, Minister." "The waste of it all." "Take that EEC reception last night." "Humphrey introduced me to an official who pays farmers to produce surplus food and then he introduced me to another official who pays others to destroy all the surpluses." "Then they pay thousands of bureaucrats to push masses of paper round to make it all work." " Doesn't the futility of it all depress you?" " Not really." "I'm a civil servant." "I've been talking to Eric and Duncan." "I think I've promised to support Eric's candidature." " I see." " Then I think I promised to support Duncan's." " That sounds very even-handed, Minister." " But I can't keep both promises." "Sherry?" " Thank you." "They were only political promises." " Yes..." "What do you mean?" "I mean, like your manifesto promises, people understand." "Yes." "Trouble is, I can't remember either of them making any categorical promises to me." " Then you have no problem." " I have." "I've still to decide who to support." "It's not just picking the winner." "My support could tip the balance." "The question is, do I want to be Foreign Secretary or Chancellor of the Exchequer?" " Neither, do you?" " Why not?" "They're both such terrible jobs!" "You're talking about two of the top three Cabinet jobs." "I realise that." " As a civil servant, you don't understand politics." " Sorry." "To be a success, you have to be in the limelight." "You have a very high profile as Chancellor of the Exchequer, and that has to be good for votes." " You see now, don't you?" " But with respect, Minister..." "The Chancellor is Mr Killjoy." "Raising taxes on beer and cigarettes and cutting down public spending goes down badly with the electorate." "Maybe I don't want to be Chancellor of the Exchequer." "There's no escape in that job." "No, Minister." "Unless you're sent to the Foreign and Commonwealth Office as a punishment." " Punishment?" " It's an even worse job." " No votes in Foreign Affairs?" " Exactly." "The FCO loves foreigners, but the British people don't." "Quite." "As far as world politics goes, the Foreign Office is an irrelevance." "We've no real power." "We're just an American missile base!" "Yes, Minister." "Between the devil and the deep blue sea." "Unless..." "Of course, there is one other option." " What other option?" " Do the middle job." "Middle job?" "What, Home Secretary?" "Responsible for all the muggings, jailbreaks and race riots?" " No, thank you!" " No, be the one who takes all the credit." "What do you mean?" "You mean...?" "You don't mean...?" "You do mean...?" "How's it all looking from the Chief Whip's office?" "If Eric gets it we'll have a party split in three months." "If it's Duncan, it'll take three weeks." "Geoffrey, the PM's asked me to take you into my confidence." "I shouldn't be telling you this, but there are, how shall I say, security question marks over both the current candidates." " What question marks?" " Alas, I can say no more." "The only person I can disclose this to in the PM's absence, and as it is essentially a party matter, is the chairman of the party." " Jim Hacker." " He's promised to join us." "But in the meantime, do you think the party can find a compromise candidate?" " Could be any one of half a dozen." " Have you considered the party chairman?" "Jim Hacker?" "!" "Jim Hacker..." "Yes, it is possible, isn't it?" "After all, there have been less likely Prime Ministers." "Yes..." "Who?" "Oh, there must have been!" "(BUZZER)" "Yes?" "Oh, all right." "Send him in." "Minister, so good of you to call." " Henry." " Morning." "Do sit down." "Minister I have a problem and I need your help." "Oh, dear!" "Can't you run the country on your own?" " It is a rather grave matter, I'm afraid." " Yes, of course." "It's to do with the leadership election." "The PM felt we had no alternative but to call you in." "That bad, eh?" "There are certain items of confidential information which, while in theory might be susceptible of innocent interpretation, do nevertheless contain a sufficient element of ambiguity, so that were they to be presented in a less than generous manner," "might be a source of great embarrassment and even hazard were they to impinge upon the deliberations of an office of more than usual sensitivity." "I'm sorry?" " He's talking about security question marks." " Security?" "What do you mean?" " Secrets." " I know what security means." " But what do you mean?" " I'm not allowed to know." " Why not?" " Security." "So, since in the PM's absence you are deputising on party matters, may I show you the security file on the Chancellor of the Exchequer?" "Technically, I can't show you any of it, but, er under the circumstances, I feel I can show you relevant items." "Here's a summary of the reports from the security services." "Special Branch..." "There we are." "Interview with his driver." "And the PM's confidential memo." " Strictest secrecy, of course." " Of course." "Dirty old...!" "You wouldn't have thought he had the time, a workaholic like Eric." "I've found that people who are highly active in one area of life tend to be equally active in all the others." "You wouldn't think he went in for..." "I understand the current expression is horizontal jogging, Minister." "All this was some time ago and it doesn't seem very conclusive." "That's why the PM thought it all right for him to be Chancellor." "But the Yugoslavian one and the two South Africans, not to mention the shady lady from Argentina..." " And it's thought she's just a cover anyway." " Cover?" "What for?" "Good heavens!" "If all these ladies were just covers, what on earth were his real requirements?" " I really can't tell you." " Ooh!" "So it was thought that Defence and the Foreign Office might be too delicate." " I can see that!" " Then, if he were PM... he'd be head of security services as well." "It's unthinkable." " You're saying it's got to be Duncan." " I was coming to that." "This is his file." "Special Branch again." "Then we have the Fraud Squad..." "Inland Revenue..." "Secret auditors' reports, Bank of England foreign exchange division..." "How much do you want?" "All this was technically legal at the time, wasn't it?" "Yes, it may have been technically, but it ruled him out of consideration for the Treasury." "How did they get all this" " Ml5?" "Er, well, let's just say it's all been gone into quite enough." "Like the shady lady!" " Isn't it all astounding, all this?" " I don't know." "I haven't seen it!" " Humphrey, don't think me foolish..." " Oh, Minister, perish the thought!" " Forgive me, Geoffrey." "Why are you here?" " We dare not allow these scandals." "If they are so embarrassing, it would embarrass the country and the party if either of them became head of government." " We can't be caught with our trousers down." " Like Eric!" "I see." "Yes, this is serious." " Very serious." " Very serious." " What could happen if one them became PM?" " Something very serious indeed." " Very serious." " I see." " Serious repercussions..." " Serious repercussions of the utmost seriousness." "Yes, that is serious." "In fact, I would go so far as to say that it could hardly be more serious." "Well, I think we're all agreed, then, this is serious." "Yes." "What happens now?" "The party needs to agree on another candidate, quick." " The Chief Whip wondered if you had any ideas." " As you're Party Chairman." "Well, it's rather difficult." "You're looking for somebody with outstanding qualities, a potential Prime Minister." " Someone who's sound." " Yes." "Likeable." "Flexible." "Yes." "Normal." " Solvent." " Yes." "And acceptable to both wings of the party." "And someone who understands how to take advice, Minister." "Yes." "Well..." "Gosh!" "Who can I suggest?" " Have you thought of doing the job yourself?" " Me?" "!" " Why not?" " Wouldn't you want to be Prime Minister?" "I'd love to be, but..." "It's a very big job." "I'm not sure I could." "Prime Minister!" "Perhaps the Minister feels he's not absolutely Prime Ministerial calibre." " There isn't any doubt about that, Humphrey." " No, not in my mind." "But you seem hesitant." "Modesty forbids." "But I have no doubt I can do the job." " Modestly put, Minister." " There's only one fly in the ointment." "You're a bit of an outsider." "Can you organise some public success in the next few days?" "A tall order." "I'm up to my neck in the Euro sausage!" "Won't it be enough to start campaigning, let people know I want the job?" "Quite the reverse!" "Better to let people know you DON'T want it." " Would that be enough?" " If you tell everybody that, yes." "Leave the campaigning to me." "Say you have no ambitions in that direction." "Yes." "But supposing somebody says, "Does that mean you refuse to stand?"" " You know how the media try to trap you." " Minister, it's not my place, but, er, previously the acceptable answer has been, "While one does not seek the office," ""one has pledged oneself to the service of one's country," ""and if one's friends were to persuade one that was the best way one could serve," ""one might have to accept the responsibility whatever one's own private wishes might be."" ""...private wishes might be." Yes, I think I've got that." "So, it's a three-way election, then." "Ideally, it should be an unopposed election." "Unity sits well with the public." " The party will welcome that." " Eric and Duncan won't!" "Eric and Duncan must be persuaded to withdraw." " Oh." "You mean you'll have a word with them." " I can't." "I haven't seen the files." " Humphrey, then." " No, it's an internal party matter." " It would be most improper." " Well, who..." "You don't mean...?" " I can't!" " No one else can." "You want me to tell one of my colleagues he's a swindler and the other he's a pervert!" "Not in so many words!" "Say you don't believe they've done anything wrong." " Just let them know you know something." " They'll tell me to mind my own business!" "Then you say, as Chairman, it's your duty to see the information reaches those who need to know." "The Party Executive, major contributors, elder statesmen, patrons, the Palace, perhaps." "Tell each of them they have no alternative but to pull out and support someone who will protect them." "You want me to protect them?" "It's nobody else's business as long as security's not involved." " I don't have the stomach for the task." " You have no choice now that you know." "Nobody else knows that I know." "Let's just forget all about it!" " That would be very courageous." " Courageous?" "Why?" "If anything were to happen and it later emerged you had the information and suppressed it..." " You mean you'd leak it?" " Covering up for your chums..." "Greater love hath no man than this, that he should lay down his career." "Humphrey, you're threatening me!" "No, Minister, I'm helping you." "You see, Jim, there's one other quality Prime Ministers need." "The killer instinct." "The killer instinct." "Yes." "Ah, thanks." " Well, here's to Number 10, eh?" " Thanks..." "I mean, yes." "What's up, Jim?" "Duncan I have a problem." " You're not going to support me." " Yes." "No." " Yes, no?" "Exactly." "Some information has come my way." " Oh, yes?" " Serious information." " Concerning your personal... financial operations." " I beg your pardon?" " About the collapse of Continental and General." " That was just bad luck." "The transfer of funds to directors' nominee companies." " There's nothing wrong with that." " Technically, but in conjunction with a similar case at Offshore Securities?" " Where did you get all this?" " Sorry, but if you're running for PM" "I shall feel obliged to share what I know with senior party members." "If it came out into the open, there'd have to be an enquiry by the Inland Revenue, Fraud Squad." "None of that need matter if it's all above-board." "And I'm sure it is, if you say so, Duncan." " There was nothing improper." " Good, then I'm free to talk about it," " bring it all out into the open." " Hold on!" "Financial matters can be misinterpreted." "People will misunderstand." "How true." "Look, Jim, I'm not sure that I really want Number 10." "The Foreign Office is a better job in many ways." "But I won't support Eric." "Suppose Eric didn't get it?" "How would it be if you were to transfer all your support to someone else?" "Who?" "It would have to be somebody who recognised your qualities, who'd want you to stay at the Foreign Office." "Someone who could be discreet about Continental and General." "Someone you could trust." "An old friend." "Do you mean you?" "Me?" "I have absolutely no ambition in that direction." "You DO mean you!" " I see." " You do realise this is serious, Eric?" " Yes." "And you're not going to help me, right?" " Yes." " You are or you're not?" " Yes." " Jim!" " I'm going to help you, but not to become PM." " You said you were." " Until I heard about the lady from Argentina." " And others." " I see." "As Party Chairman I have my duty." "It'd be a disaster for the party if you became PM and all this came out." "I wouldn't care to have to explain it to Her Majesty." "Would you?" "I'll withdraw." "I think that's very sensible." "So we'll say no more about it to anyone." "Thanks, Jim." " So Duncan will get Number 10." "My God!" " Not if I can help it." " Who, then?" " Cheers." " You don't mean YOU?" " Me?" "Our children are reaching the age where Annie and I are hoping to spend more time together." "You DO mean you!" " Minister." " Humphrey, what's the hurry?" "I've arranged a brief meeting with the European Commissioner." "Maurice?" "He flew out this morning." " His flight's been delayed." " So?" "We might persuade him to solve our sausage problem." " How?" " (PHONE RINGS)" "Excuse me..." "Yes?" "Oh, yes, ask him to come in, will you?" "Thank you." "Leave it to me." "Just, er, just give me support when I ask for it." " Ah, Maurice, how nice to see you." " Humphrey." " You know each other." " Jim, to what do I owe this pleasure?" "The Minister asked me to arrange this meeting" " to see if you could help us with a problem." " Problem." "Of course." "The problem is that the EEC is becoming very unpopular over here." " Isn't that so?" " Very unpopular." " You want to restore its image?" " Yes." " No." " No." "The Minister feels there would be more votes that he would be better expressing the views of the British people by joining the attack on the EEC rather than leaping to its defence." " Exactly." " But your party's committed to support us!" "The Minister's point, as I understand it, is that the commitment is to the concept and the treaty." " Treaty." " It's not committed to the institutions, nor to the practices, nor to individual policies." "The Minister was giving me an example the other day, weren't you, Minister?" " About food production." " Oh, yes." "I've discovered one of your officials pays farmers to produce masses of surplus food while the next office pays people to destroy the surpluses." " That's not true!" " No?" "It's not the next office, not even the same floor!" " The Minister has hundreds of similar examples." " Hundreds." "The nub of the problem is, the Minister is starting to think that a member of the Cabinet ought to start telling the British people about them." "But that would be intolerable!" "Even the Italians wouldn't stoop that low!" "The Italians aren't being asked to redesignate salami as emulsified high-fat offal tubing." "Ah!" "And what are you proposing?" "After all, we are committed to harmonisation." "We cannot call it a sausage." "What do you suggest?" "Well, politics is about presentation." "Why don't we call it "the British sausage"?" "British sausage?" "Saucisse Anglaise." "Salsiccia Inglese." "Britisherwurst." "Yes, I think we could..." "recommend that to the Commission." "Splendid!" "The Minister's always said the EEC is a splendid institution, haven't you?" "Splendid!" " The European correspondents are here now." " Good." "Let 'em in." "Send them in." " This is about the Euro sausage problem?" " That's right, Bernard." " That you've solved it." " No, Bernard." "Solved problems aren't news." "To the press, bad news is good news." "I'm not going to give them a non-story today." "I'll give them a disaster today" " and a triumph tomorrow." " I see." " Good morning, gentlemen!" " (ALL) Morning." "Do sit down." "Good of you to come." "This is on a lobby basis, non-attributable." "We've got some trouble coming up with Brussels." "Somebody's going to tell you some time, so I might as well tell you myself." "The trouble is, Brussels is about to make the British sausage illegal" " under EEC regulations." " Minister not making the sausage illegal, just the name." " Thank you, Bernard." "I'll deal with that later." " What do you mean, "illegal"?" " Effectively illegal." "The pork sausage will have to contain 75% lean pork." "The same for the beef sausage." "75% lean pork too?" "75% lean beef." " It would make it a luxury food." " When's this being promulgated?" "Next month, probably." "They'll deny it, probably tell you they're just discussing changing its name." " What is the government going to do?" " I just don't know." "It's a big problem." "I won't pretend we've got an answer." "Well, I must rush." "Any more questions?" " When can we use this?" " Tomorrow, as far as I'm concerned." "Bernard will give you a drink in the press office." "Thanks for coming." "You realise the press will be printing something that isn't true?" "Really?" "How frightful!" "(RADl0) Today's story about the proposed European ban on the British sausage has caused a maj'or political storm." "Westminster sources say the sausage could be another banana skin." "It adds to the government's problems with the succession." "Members are troubled by the fact that the two obvious candidates for the leadership represent the extreme wings of the party." "Pressure is mounting for them to withdraw in favour of a compromise candidate." "No other contender seems to have caught the public imagination." " Now sport..." " Turn it off, Donald." " Is it true about the compromise candidate?" " I believe so." " Where DO they get their information?" " I can't imagine, Bernard!" "Anyway, I never said compromise." "I said moderate." "Incidentally, why are BBC TV and ITN covering your speech this evening?" "I can't imagine, Bernard." "I know that fire and safety policy in government buildings is awfully important, but..." "Maybe someone suggested I was going to raise other issues as well." " Who?" " I can't imagine, Bernard." "I am a good European." "I believe in the European ideal." "Never again shall we repeat the bloodshed of the two world wars." "Europe is here to stay." "But this does not mean that we have to bow the knee to every directive from every little bureaucratic Bonaparte in Brussels." "We are a sovereign nation still." "We are British and proud of it!" "We have made enough concessions to the European Commissar for Agriculture." "When I say Commissar, I use the word advisedly." "We've swallowed the wine lake and the butter mountain, we've watched our French friends beating up British lorry drivers carrying British lamb to the French." "We have bowed and scraped, doffed our caps, tugged our forelocks and turned the other cheek, but I say enough is enough!" "The Europeans have gone too far." "They are now threatening the British sausage." "They want to standardise it, by which they mean they'll force us to eat salami and bratwurst and other garlic-ridden greasy foods that are totally alien to the British way of life." "Do you want salami for breakfast with your egg and bacon?" "I don't!" "I won't!" "They've turned our pints into litres and our yards into metres." "We gave up the tanner, the threepenny bit, the two-bob piece and the half crown, but they cannot and WILL not destroy the British sausage." "Not while I'm here!" "In the words of Martin Luther, here I stand." "I can do no more." " Strong stuff, Minister." " I feel strongly about it." "I sometimes wonder whether you media people realise how strongly we others feel about Britain, about our country." "We love it and we're proud of it." "You're at odds with government policy over the EEC?" "I'm very happy with government policy, Sir Ludovic." "Just a guess." "But it's never been government policy to abolish the British sausage." "Sausages are not only good to eat, they're full of top-quality nourishment." "Brussels denies wanting to abolish the British sausage." "They would." "They know what they're up against." "They know the strength of British opinion." "Your speech got a lot of coverage and a lot of praise." " Was there any significance in the timing?" " Sorry?" "Your party is looking for a new leader and your name's been mentioned a few times." "Oh." "Quite a lot, I believe." "But no, I've no ambitions at all in that direction." "So you definitely won't let your name go forward?" "Well, Ludo..." "All I've..." "All I've ever wanted to do is serve my country." "I've never sought office." "But if my colleagues persuaded me the best place to serve it from was 10 Downing Street," "I might perhaps reluctantly be persuaded to undertake the responsibility whatever my own private wishes might be." "If you're not in the running, who will you vote for?" "Well, it's far too early to say." "But I will say this." "This is a time for healing." "A time to stress what we agree about, not what we disagree about." "We should be looking for the good in our opponents, not always looking for faults." "There's good in everyone, you know, Ludo." " Except the French!" " Except..." "Even the French." "Minister, a message came from Central House while you were in committee." "Yes?" " They brought the party meeting forward." " Brought it forward?" "The committee will decide if they're going to bring up another candidate to oppose you." " The Chief Whip will phone as soon as it's over." " W-W-Will he..." "W-What will they..." "What if..." "Which phone?" " What?" " Which phone will he ring on?" "Oh." "Er, this one, probably." "Or this one." "Either, really." "If Duncan and Eric withdraw, which they will, they might not support me." " That means an election." " You're the favourite candidate for both sides," " so you'll be unopposed." " That's what they say." "Oh, well..." "No point in worrying about it." " Might as well sit down and relax." " (PHONE RINGS)" "Yes?" "Yes." "Yes." "Yes." "Bernard has an urgent message." "Minister, the Palace have been on the phone." " The Palace?" "Why?" " Will you be free to kiss hands at five o'clock?" "In the event of an unopposed recommendation." "Well, I..." "I think I might be able to make that." "Bernard..." "Supposing..." "You know if I..." "Er..." "I'd still want a Principal Private Secretary." " Do you think, er..." " Oh, Minister." "Gosh!" " That'll be all right, won't it, Humphrey?" " Well..." "The Prime Minister's word is law." "(PHONE RINGS)" "Yes?" "Yes." "Yes." "Yes, he's here." "I'll tell him." "It..." "It..." "It..." "Is..." "Is it me?" "Yes, Prime Minister!"