"Shh." "Shh!" "I don't want anybody to see us talking to each other, Max." "Meet me at the card file and pretend to be looking for a specific book." "While you're looking through the cards, we'll talk." "That way nobody will know we're together." "Did you say something, Chief?" "Max, I don't want anybody to see us talking to each other." "Open the file drawer." "Max, we've got to hurry." "There's a book in this library that belongs to CONTROL." " "Portnoy's Complaint"?" " No, it's more important than that." "Not to Portnoy it isn't." "This book contains the names and addresses of every CONTROL agent throughout the free world-- with the exception of Pittsburgh." "Oh, Chief, who in the world would be stupid enough to put an important book like that in a public library?" "I put it here, Max." "The most obvious place for a book is in a library." "And sometimes the most obvious place is the safest." "You know, you may have something there." "Agent Dunlap had the same theory." "He once came into possession of a very important piece of microfilm." " You know where he hid it?" " Where?" "Right on top of his desk in his living room, right out there in the open where everybody could see it." "And the microfilm was safe?" "Yes, well, it would have been if they hadn't stolen the desk." "Max, somehow KAOS found out about this book." "We've got to get it out of the library before they get their hands on it." " Right, Chief." " Because if KAOS gets possession of this book, it'll be the end of CONTROL." "Who put the book together, Chief?" "I did." "It represents 30 years' work." "Well, don't expect to make any money out of it until it comes out in paperback." "What does it look like, Chief?" "It's red, white and blue, and it's called "Who's Who at CONTROL."" "Well, we'd better start looking for it." "Wait a minute, Max." " What is it?" " That man who just came in the door" "I think he's a KAOS agent." "Just a minute, fella." "Sorry, but this aisle is taken." "Hmm." " Good work, Max." " Did you get the book?" " Yes, right here." " Oh, well, at least that's safe." "Yes, but for how long?" "That was KAOS's first attempt to get that book, and they failed." "From now on they'll stop at nothing." "They've got to get their hands on that book, and they'll kill the person who's carrying it." "( theme music playing )" " Good morning, Chief." " Yeah, good morning, Chief." "I'm sorry I'm late, but I had an automobile accident right in front of the building." "That idiot smashed in the whole front of my car." "Well, don't worry about it." "You're not the only one who's late." "Larrabee isn't here either." "Who do you think smashed in the front end of my car?" "Chief, Max told me all about the "Who's Who at CONTROL" book that KAOS is trying to get hold of," " and I have a plan." " A sensational plan, Chief." " It's really foolproof." " Absolutely foolproof." " I really think it's gonna work, Chief." " Can't miss." " Well, what is it?" " Supposing you have a CONTROL agent memorize the contents of the book and then you destroy it." " It won't work." " Told you." "Once we've destroyed this book, if anything happened to the agent who memorized it, we'd be lost." "Oh, wait a minute, I have an idea." "Why don't we have two agents memorize the book?" "Then if anything happens to one of them, the other one will have the information." "What if something happens to both of them?" " Huh?" " What if something happens" " to both of them?" " Yes, well, why don't we have three agents memorize it?" "And then if something happens to two of them, the other one will have the information." " Forget it, Max." " Well?" " Well what?" " How do you like my plan?" " What plan?" " The plan where four agents memorize the book." "And then if something happens to three of them, one of them has the information." "Max, I hate that plan." "Which part of it do you hate?" " All of it." " All of it?" "Told you." "Now we've got to find a safe place for this book." "I suppose you've already considered a safe deposit box." "Yes, 99, I thought about that over a month ago, but they turned me down." " The bank turned you down?" " No, petty cash did." "Well, at least we'll know for the time being the book is secure in my wall safe." "Now, the combination of this safe is known to only two persons-- myself and the vice-president." "Morning, Max." "Hi, 99." "I'm really sorry about the accident, Chief." "I don't want to hear any more about it, Larrabee." "Well, I just want to let you know that everything's taken care of." "They just towed away what was left of your car and fixed the windshield wiper on mine." "Thank you, you can go now." "I just wanna put my lunch away." "Well, have a nice day, Max." "Thank you, Mr. Vice President." "( tires squeal )" "That was Fourth and Taylor we just passed, wasn't it, Larrabee?" "I think so, but I'm not sure." "Chief, Smart here." "We just passed Fourth and Taylor." "Right, Max, I got you pinpointed." "Fourth and Taylor." "Wait a second, Chief, better make that Fifth and Taylor." "Fifth and Taylor?" "I thought you said Fourth and Taylor." "I did, Chief." "But as I said Fourth and Taylor, we passed Fifth and Taylor." "I'll tell you what, Max, I'll pinpoint you at Eighth and Taylor." "That way we'll both be there at the same time." "You may be there, but we won't." "We're now on Carver." " Carver Boulevard, or Carver Avenue?" " Carver High School." "We made a wrong turn." "I thought it was a street, but it was a playground." "Don't worry, Chief." "We made it, Chief." "I'm now checking out the street." "Chief, there's a policeman on the corner, but I don't think he's a real policeman." " What makes you think that?" " He's wearing sneakers." "Max, that's CONTROL Agent Foster." "He's a very good man." "He may be a very good man, but he's a lousy dresser." "There's also a guy selling ice cream who's keeping his eye on us." "That's Harrington." "He's with us too." "And there's a lady with a little boy waiting at the bus stop." "Is she with CONTROL too?" "No, she isn't, but the little boy is." "Well, everything else appears to be in order, Chief." "All right, fine." " You were right, Max." " About what?" "That was Fourth and Taylor." "Here you are, Mr. Clark-- your safe deposit box and the key." "Thank you, Miss Becker." "You can use one of the booths for privacy and then put the box in the vault whenever you like." "Thank you." "I'm waiting for one of my assistants to show up with some important documents." "Well, while you're waiting, why don't you have some tea and cake?" "Oh, that would be lovely." "You do have a checking account with us, don't you, Mr. Clark?" " No." " No, I don't either." "A savings account?" "Christmas club?" "Then, why don't you wait right here?" "Oh, Chief, don't be so nervous." " Max'll be along in a minute." " He'd better be." "After all these precautions, if anything happens to that address book-- 99, maybe I should have gone along with Max's plan." "Which plan was that, Chief?" "The one where the 13 CONTROL agents memorize the book, and if anything happened to 12 of them, then the" "Oh yeah, the one where you threw the book at him." "Here they come now." "Well, Chief, everything went off perfectly without a hitch." "We left CONTROL, got into the armored truck, and went through a car wash three times in case anyone was following us." "The truck was dirty anyway, Chief." " And here we are." " With a clean truck." " Okay okay." "Let me see it." " It's parked out in front." "Not the truck, the book." "Open the chest." "Oh-- well, the book isn't in the chest, Chief." "You see, we just used the chest as a decoy." "Oh, that's very clever, Max." "Oh, well thank you, 99." "You see, in case we walked into a KAOS trap," "I wanted to be sure that KAOS was left with an empty chest, because Larrabee was holding the book." "That's not bad." "Larrabee, where is it?" "I put it in the chest." "Okay, Max, open it up." " Where are the keys, Larrabee?" " The key is in the book." " But the book is in the chest." " The key is in the book." "Larrabee, there is a padlock on the chest." "Without a key, how are we supposed to unlock it?" "I could do it, Chief, but we're in a bank, it could be a little noisy." "How noisy?" "That noisy." "You can't shoot off a gun in a bank!" "Are you out of your mind?" "Man:" "May I see you people out here, please?" "Good work, Officers." "He didn't do anything." "We were being held up." "When you fired your gun, he dropped his and put his hands up." "I'm C Barton Neff, president of the bank." "Oh, Harold Clark, Potomac Greeting Card Company." " This is my secretary." " How do you do?" "And these two gentlemen are my" " Bodyguards." " Yes, bodyguards." "Why should the head of a greeting card company need bodyguards?" "Because none of his employees like him." "Larrabee, give me a hand in here." "Right, Chief." "Was Mr. Clark in the navy?" "No, he was not." "I noticed the other guard called him Chief, so I assumed he was a chief petty officer in the navy." "Oh, that navy." "Yes yes yes," "He was in that navy." "You've locked the vault!" "There's an automatic time-lock on that door!" "But this is Friday." "Are you saying this vault can't be open until Monday?" " No." " Oh, thank heavens." "Tuesday." "Monday's a holiday." "We're closed." "You mean they're locked in there until Tuesday?" "Max!" "Now take it easy, 99, it's not that terrible." "After all, they've got a book to read." "They're gonna have a lot of time on their hands." "The problem is there's just enough air in that vault to last 24 hours." "Oh." "Well, in that case, they're not gonna have as much time as I thought." "He's not making much headway at all." "No, he certainly isn't." "Come on." "What are you gonna do, Max?" "I'm gonna use my shoe phone to contact the Chief on his watch phone." "Good thinking." "( phone buzzing )" "Line's busy." "Wouldn't you know it, Max's line is busy." "Maybe you dialed it wrong, Chief." "Try again." "All right." "I'll try again." "Still busy." "I'll dial the CONTROL operator and have her break in on whoever Max is talking to." " Yeah, that's what I would do." " ( phone dial tone )" "Chief's line is still busy." "Why don't you call the CONTROL operator, and have her cut in on whoever the Chief is talking to?" "That's exactly what I was going to do." "The operator's line is busy too." "Ooh." "Call the Chief again." "I can't get anyone." " ( phone rings )" " Hello?" "Hello, this is Maxwell Smart." "Let me speak to the Chief." "This is the Chief." "Oh, hi." "Glad I could get ahold of you." "How are things going?" "What do you mean, "How are things going?"" "You're on the outside-- what's happening out there?" "Well, we've got a guy working on the door with an acetylene torch." "Is he making any progress?" "Er, yes, in a way." "What do you mean, "in a way"?" "Well, Chief, he's only been working on the door for a half hour." "We figure in another five minutes, he should have the paint off the door." "Let me talk to him, Max." "Chief, I want you to know that everything possible's being done to get you out of there." "We've sent for the rescue squad." "And Chief, Mr. Neff says that we should have you out in time." "What do you mean, "in time"?" "Oh, nobody told you about the air, huh?" " What air?" " Well, that's it, Chief." "In another 24 hours, you won't be able to say "What air?"" "You mean there's only enough air in this vault to last 24 hours?" "Yes, well, Chief, there's nothing to get excited about, because tonight is the night they push back the clocks, and you pick up an extra hour of air." " No, Max." "They push them forward." " More or less." "What do you mean, "more or less"?" "Less." "Chief, is there anything that I can do?" "Yes, keep your husband off the phone." "And, 99, if what Max says is true, we don't have much time." "Now here's what I want you to do" "Air in, and air out." "Larrabee, will you stop that?" "We only have a certain amount of air in here, and you're using it all up." "You use your half the way you want, and I'll use mine the way I want." "99, there's only one man who can get us out of here in time." " Who's that, Chief?" " Baffles, the greatest safecracker in the world." "But isn't he in prison?" "Yes, he is, and it's up to you and Max to get him out." "( chattering )" "Baffles?" "You just missed him." "Will he be back soon?" "I hope not." "Max, we're too late." "What are we gonna do now?" "You folks got a problem?" "Yes." "We're looking for a safecracker." "A safecracker." "Well, you've come to the right place." "Not necessarily the right cell block, but the right place." " Are you a safecracker?" " No." "I'm a forger." "Oh." "Well, you see, we have a friend of ours who's locked in a bank vault, and we have to get him out." "Could you recommend a safecracker?" "What does it pay?" "Maybe I'll do it." "But you're not a safecracker, you're a forger." "So, what do I care?" "If there's a buck in it, I'll do anything." "What are you paying?" "If you can get him out of the vault, we have the authority to give you your freedom." "Okay." "My freedom and a buck." "All right, let's go." "Oh, not so fast." "Let me see the buck." "What's the matter with you?" "We're offering you your freedom." "We're saying that you can walk right out of this prison." "You can go outside and be a free man." "What's it like on the outside these days?" "Er, we'll give you two bucks." "Hmm, I don't know." " What bank is it?" " The Bank of the Potomac." "Why didn't you say so in the first place?" "That's one bank I've been dying to hit." " Why?" " That's the bank where my ex-wife deposits her alimony checks." "( scraping )" "Larrabee, you're wasting your time." "That door is a foot thick, and it's constructed of iron and laminated steel." "You'll never open it with a quarter." "How 'bout two dimes and a nickel?" " ( watch rings )" " Hello?" "Chief, we just got back from the prison." "Not a moment too soon." "We're running out of air in here." "Did you get Baffles?" "No, we didn't get Baffles, but we got his cell mate, Freddie the Forger." "Freddie the Forger?" "A forger can't open a safe." "Well, he says he can." "Max, he's a forger." "He doesn't know the first thing about opening a vault." "What's the difference?" "It's worth a try." "If he fails, all we stand to lose is a couple of bucks." "What happened?" "And where is he going?" "Kelly finally burned a hole through to inside the vault." "Then somebody there plugged it up with a quarter." "That's ridiculous." "That hole's too small anyway." "You never could've gotten them out through there." "We didn't intend to get them out through the hole." "We just wanted to get enough air in so they could last until Tuesday morning when the vault opens automatically." "Well, you have nothing to worry about, because Freddie the Forger here is gonna open the vault right now." "Gimme the deuce." "Did you say his name was" " Freddie the Forger?" " That's right." "I believe your wife has an account with us." " That's right." " There's no mistaking her account." "She makes deposits from some of the most famous and wealthiest people in the world." "Thanks." "She mad a deposit this morning." "Do you know who it was from?" "Charles de Gaulle." "She must know him very well." "It was signed "Chuck."" "Just wait till next week." "She's getting one from Howie Hughes." "Get on with it, get on with it." "I'll need a fountain pen." "Oh, here." "Use mine." "What are you gonna do, sign them out?" "For me, the pen has always been mightier than the sword." " ( ink squirts )" " What are you doing?" "I am depressing the ink into the timing mechanism." "The ink will act as a lubricant, causing the gears to spin ahead at an accelerated rate." "In a few moments, the timing mechanism should advance to the point equivalent to Tuesday morning." "Well, that's terrific, Freddie." "He's worth two bucks." " Shh shh shh!" " ( whirring )" " ( clanks ) - ( coughing )" "Chief, are you all right?" "I'm all right, 99." "Just let me get my breath, and I'll be fine." "Chief, I want you to meet Freddie the Forger." "He's the guy who opened the safe." " Thanks for saving our lives." " Thanks for the two bucks." "Larrabee, get the book." "May I have my pen, please?" "It was an anniversary gift from my wife." "Thank you." "Well, now that you have your freedom," "I hope you're not gonna get in trouble." "Don't worry, I've forged my last check." " What are you gonna do?" " I think I'll take up safecracking." "It's a lot easier." "99, will you take Freddie down to headquarters" " and get him a change of clothes?" " Sure, Chief." "Come on, Freddie." " Well, Max, where's the book?" " Huh?" " The book." " The book!" "Chief!" "I sent Larrabee in to get the book, and they locked the safe on him." " Come on, Max, let's go." " Chief, what are you talking about?" "Larrabee is locked in and nobody knows about it except you and me." "Shh!" "Come on." "( theme music playing )"