"Castle Duckula." "Home for many centuries... to a dreadful dynasy of vicious vampire ducks." "The Counts of Duckula!" "Legend has it that these fowl beings can be destroyed... by a stake through the heart or exposure to sunlight." "This does not suffice, however... for they may be brought back to life... by means of a sacred rite... that can be performed once a century... when the moon is in the eighth house of Aquarius!" " Batswing blood." " I'll get it!" "The latest reincarnation did not run according to plan." "Ooh!" "In the heart of Transylvania" "In the Vampire Hall of Fame, yeah" "There's not a vampire zanier than" "Duckula" "He won't bite beast or man" "'Cause he's a vegetarian" "And things never run to plan for" "Duckula" "If you're lookin' for some fun" "You can always count upon" "The wild and wacky one they call" "Duckula" "Heh heh!" "Count Duckula!" "Heh heh heh!" "Count Duckula, beware." "Little do you know... but even now your life hangs by a thread... for in the topmost turret of your horrible home... a deadly sharp blade is poised to cleave and carve." "Ha ha!" "At last, success will be mine!" "Next time, I'm getting one of those ready sliced loaves... making things easier for myself." "It's nearly time to prepare mein masterpiece." "Mein baby." "Mein own little creature." "The result of years of experiment." "Soon the bolt from the thunder will come... und be caught und dropped into the mechanisms... und--und you will live!" "Then together we will destroy the House of Duckula." "That's, of course, if I can fix this fuse box." "So, the most important experiment ever... und the fuse blows." "Hang on a second while I get a fuse." "Don't destroy anything till I get back." "And the great ugly thing strode across Transylvania... eating everything in sight-- houses, roads, swamps, bird sanctuaries... food mixers and blenders with attachments." "Hey, Igor, all this stuff about eating is making me peckish." "Not that I'd want to eat a house, of course." "Probably wouldn't taste very nice-- all that patio furniture and double glazing." "Yuck!" "Still, I wouldn't mind having a go at the ice box." "Oh, Duckypoos, how can you think of your stomach... when that horrid creature is destroying the world?" "The thing that ate Transylvania?" "Don't be silly, Nanny." "It's only a story... and a very farfetched one at that." "Very, very, very, very farfetched, in my opinion." "What do you think, Igor?" "Personally, sir, it's not to my taste, either." "Take the ending where the monster and the swamp fight it out to the death." "A trifle sentimental, don't you think?" "Yes." "Exactly." "There you are, Nanny." "See?" "Even Igor thinks it's silly." "But, darling Duck, what if it were true?" "What if there was a creature that ate everything?" "It might eat us all and the castle!" "I think the old heap might give it indigestion." "Eh, Igor?" "I think she probably would, sir." "Yes." "No, no, not Nanny, you idiot." "The castle." "I meant the castle." "Mind you, come to think of it..." "Oh, love us!" "What was that?" "That, Nanny, was my stomach." "It's nature's way of telling me that I need a snack." "Oh, darling Duck, I'm so scared!" "Even my goosebumps have goosebumps!" "Igor, put Nanny down." "All that wobbling's making me feel quite queasy." "It's the monster." "No, it's not." "It's not, Nanny." "It's thunder." "You know, just thunder, you know?" "You know, giants bowling." "Giants!" "No." "No, no, no, no, not giants." "I never said anything about giants." "Look, Nanny, Nanny, just calm down... and I'll go and get a snack." "Oh!" "Don't leave me here alone!" "But, Nanny, you're not alone." "You're here." "Igor's here." "I know he's not very good company... and we can't see him very well at the moment... but that's because you" "Ah, Igor's not here after all." "Well, he's" "Well, I don't know where he is." "Oh." "Oh, come on then, Nanny." "I suppose you'd better come with me." "Ah, how wonderful." "It's so good to taste stale air once more." "Yeah." "And on such a night as this... we Duckulas can be nothing but completely evil." "I hate everybody and everything." "I don't even like myself very much." "It's such a refreshing change to see some good acting, isn't it?" "Well, between ourselves, I thought he was a little stiff." "And now to find somebody to be evil to." "Ah, young lady, excuse me." "You look like just the person to have a fuse." "Fuse?" "What's that?" "Yes, I have a lot of mechanical argy-bargy upstairs... und without the fuse, none of this here rigmarole is gonna work." "I think I have the very thing in the dun" "I mean, in the cellar." "Oh, the cellar." "Now, why didn't I think of that?" "Oh, gee, what a dumb place to keep a fuse." "OK, Cheeky, let's get on with it." "I would have to wake up with a headache." "Und my mouth feels like a bottom of a trash can." "Oh." "Oh, It is the bottom of a trash can." "Oh, metal." "I would have to be made from metal." "Why couldn't I be made from something nice, like wood?" "Everybody likes wooden creatures, but nobody likes metal." "I can tell even now I'm not going to be popular." "Oh!" "What I need is an aspirin." "There you are." "Look, Nanny-- absolutely no monsters." "Not a single monster in sight." "This is what you might call a monster-free zone." "Oh, but there's a lot of castle left." "It could be anywhere-- eating away walls and cupboards and all sorts of stuff." "Yes, and that's what I gonna be doing in a minute, Nanny-- eating away at all sorts of stuff." "Come on, Nanny, snackwards." "Oh!" "I'm not going downstairs." "Oh, honestly, Nanny, why not?" "The monster might be down there." "Once and for all, Nanny, there is" "Oh, well, what's the use?" "Look, Nanny, I'll tell you what-- you go upstairs." "Why?" "Because if the monster's downstairs, he cannot be upstairs, can he?" "No." "No." "Off you go, then." "A Nanny has to do what a Nanny has to do." "Oh, very well." "But if I get eaten, I'm giving in my notice." "Yes, Nanny, you do that." "Come here, my friend." "There are fuses over here-- dozens, dozens of them." "Just one will do." "I'm not a greedy Von Goosewink." "No." "This way." "This way, and hurry." "OK, OK, I'm going as fast as I can... without seeing where I coming from am." "Yeah, yeah, the fuse is there-- in the basket." "In here?" "I can't say I can see anything." "Hee hee hee hee hee!" "Just a little closer." "That's it, that's it." "Ha ha ha!" "Ah, blood, blood." "I love it." "Hee hee!" "Hee hee!" "Hee hee!" "Igor!" "Did you call, master?" "What, master?" "This is Duckula, you fiend!" "I will--I will get mein creature and destroy you." "Quick, mein creature, come to papa." "You fool!" "You ruined a perfectly good meal." "Oh, I'm sorry, master." "I thought you were still in bed." "In bed?" "I should have your kneecap swapped for your nose." "Oh, thank you, master." "You're too good to me." "It's Igor, isn't it?" "You mean you don't recognize me, sir?" "Of course I recognize you." "I--I was just making sure that you knew who you were, Igor." "How about you help me do a little evil tonight?" "After all my hard work, he's got it." "I think he's got it." "What sort of evil, master?" "Yeah." "I want to capture our little Von Goosewing friend... and roast him slowly over a warm spoon and bury him out the back for later." "Oh, master, a packed lunch." "Oh, how ingenious." "Yes." "Yes." "Go and fetch the spade, Igor." "Tonight is our really nasy night." "Eight hundred und five." "Eight hundred und six." "Eight hundred und seven." "Eight hundred und eight." "Hello?" "Is there anybody there?" "No monsters or nothing?" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh, look." "Just what Nanny wants-- a nice place to lie down." "Oh, it's been a tiring day, what with the weather and monsters and all." "You'd think, in a big place like this, there would an aspirin be." "Oh, and just look at it-- diry and dusy and" "It's just the sort of place... you'd expect a creature like me to live in, wouldn't you?" "I mean, nobody thinks of asking me where I'd like to live." "Oh, what I really want is a little cottage... with pretty curtains and the potplants... and the pond with the little fishes." "Evening, sir." "Lovely weather for creatures." "You see?" "I'm even supposed to like this rotten weather." "One thousand three hundred und thirteen." "One thousand three hundred und fourteen." "Ah, there you are, you beautiful object." "What treasures lurk in your depths, I wonder?" "Well, there's only one way to find out." "Open sesame!" "Now, then--lettuce, tomatoes, cucumber, a little brie." "Oh, there's some gorgonzola." "Mmm, mmm, mmm." "Oh, dear." "Brie or gorgonzola?" "Decisions, decisions." "I know." "I'll have both." "Now all I need is bread." "Ah, Igor, there you are." "Have a nice trip, did you?" "A nice" "Never mind, Igor." "It's just a little joke." "Now, do you think you could stop all this foolishness for a minute or two... and do a bit of butlering, you know, for a change?" "Yes, sir, I am." "I'm getting you a spade." "Thank you." "A spade?" "A spade, Igor?" "What for?" "A spade?" "What would l-- what do I want a spade for?" "I thought we were to do some burying, sir." "No, no, not berrying, Igor." "You know berries give me heartburn." "I am just making myself a sandwich... and, as you may or may not know-- probably not, knowing you-- a tomato, cucumber, lettuce, brie, onion, gorgonzola, and ketchup sandwich... is not a tomato, cucumber..." "Iettuce, brie, onion, gorgonzola, and ketchup sandwich... without the secret ingredient-- bread." "Oh, I thought your earlier good humor was too good to last." "I'll fetch some straight away, sir." "What's he on about?" "Hurry up with the bread, Igor." "I'm hungry." "You won't be needing the spade, then, sir?" "The spade?" "No, Igor." "I'll put the butter on with a knife." "What is the matter with this guy?" "Two thousand seven hundred und tweny-two." "Two thousand seven hundred und tweny-three." "Next time, I do all the experimenting... in the basement." "Now to breathe life into mein creature." "By the wooden teeth of Otto Von Clinkenhoffer... it is a miracle!" "The creature is alive!" "Ha ha!" "I have done it!" "Oh, who said secondhand trash cans are good for nothing?" "Come, mein beauy." "Rise up for papa!" "Gee, genius I may be, but beautician I ain't." "That is the ugliest creature I ever did see." "And it's too late to be picky." "Come, my love." "We have work to be done." "Count Duckula must be destroyed!" "So, I was just moved from backyard to backyard... filled with rubbish, then emptied." "I can tell you, it's no life being a trash can." "I--I hope I'm not boring you with all this." "One minute, it's, "Fetch the spade"... then it's, "Fetch the bread."" "I wish he'd make up his mind." "Well, Igor, have you got the spade?" "Spade, sir?" "But I thought you wanted bread." "No, no, you can't dig a hole with bread, Igor." "It would take too long." "No, I must have a spade, and quickly." "It's nearly dawn." "Oh, sir, you really are evil." "I knew my old eyes and ears had not deceived me." "I'll get it for you straight away." "Even better, lgor-- you go and start the digging, and I'll fetch the main course." "This way, my lovely." "That's it." "Left, right, und left, right." "Oh, I forget about the short little spare left feet." "So, right, right, right." "Oh, now, let me see." "Was it right here or... or left, or straight on as..." "This could be a problem." "The one thing I didn't build in was a brake." "Why is Igor taking so long with the bread?" "Probably because he's a loafer." "He's a loaf--ahem." "Oh, if he doesn't hurry up..." "I'll be making the world's first breadless sandwich." "Hmm." "Ah, this mirror's filthy." "I must tell Igor to give it a good clean." "Oh, dear, oh, dear." "You know, responsibiliy is a funny thing." "There I was a few short months ago with not a care in the world... and then I get all this responsibiliy... and look at me." "Look--sunken eyes, and that flabby stomach." "Yuck!" "Oh, and as for the face..." "Oh, the face." "Hold this a second, would you?" "Just look at that face." "It's plain for all to see-- I need a break." "Forgive me for pointing out the obvious... but you know, of course, that vampires have no reflection." "Of course we don't." "Everyone knows that we don't-- everyone." "We" "What a beautiful throat you have." "It blends so neatly into your neck." "Yep, and what a neck." "Just the right size for my teeth." "Help!" "Anyway, the outcome of it was I woke up with this terrible headache... und it's been pounding away all day." "Aah!" "Help!" "Help!" "Somebody stop that neck!" "It's getting away!" "Und it's not really helped by people making so much noise." "No, no!" "Not today, thank you, thank you!" "I gave--I gave last week!" "No, no!" "And there's nobody at home!" "And anyway, they've all got measles... and they're going on holiday tonight, now, right this minute!" "Come, mein little one!" "Come to papa!" "Oh, this is no time for getting lost." "Now, my little running buffet, I have you at last." "No!" "No, you haven't!" "Nanny, Nanny!" "Help!" "My little Duckypoos." "Don't worry." "Nanny's coming." "It's all right, darling duck." "It's only the sun coming up." "Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, that's what I call cracking up." "It's been happening for some time." "Only last week, he was at the psychiatrist." "Oh, well, that proves it." "Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist-- they need their head examining." "That's, of course, if we can find it in the pieces." "There, there, my little Duckypoos." "It's all right now." "Yes, yes, thank you." "Thank you very much." "I tell you, it's lucky that you came when you did, Nanny." "Another few seconds, and I would have been forced to deal with him." "And you know how brutal I can be when roused." "On the wrong arms, these hands could be lethal weapons." "Yes, that's right, dear." "Nanny understands." "Coo, all this excitement has made me hungry." "What's happened to Igor and that bread?" "If there's one place you shouldn't find yourself at dawn... it's down a hole." "Here little creature-kins." "Come to papa." "Excuse me, you haven't seen a creature down here?" "Igor?" "Help!" "Help!" "Help!" "No, no, no, Nanny." "It was a monster--a big ugly thing." "Malevolent, malicious, mean, and, my word, was it ferocious." "Oh, no, no, no." "You were right in the first place, young master." "There's no such thing as a monster." "So sorry to be a nuisance, and please tell me if I am... but you wouldn't happen to have an aspirin, would you?" "My head's splitting, look." "Aah!" "Oh!" "Well, if you haven't got an aspirin, anything would do-- one of those dissolvable things would be all right... with the little bubbles that go fizz, fizz, fizz." "Good night out there-- whatever you are." "If you're feeling..." "Or you're kind of..." "Could be you've met up with" "Duckula" "If your knees go..." "And your teeth go..." "Maybe you've bumped into" "Duckula" "He flies through the night" "Looking for a bite" "But he's back home by daylight" "Duckula" "If you're sort of..." "Or you're a little..." "It's certain you've run into" "Duckula" "If your heart goes..." "Or your mind goes..." "Man, you had a brush with" "Duckula" "So watch out for the..." "Beware of the..." "And pray you'll never meet with" "Duckula" "Count Duckula"