"an elite force of the U.S. Army was sent on a top-secret assignment in southeast Vietnam." "rescue Sergeant Four Leaf Tayback from a heavily guarded NVA Prison Camp." "The mission was considered to be near suicide." "four returned." "three wrote books about what happened." "two were published." "just one got a movie deal." "This is the story of the men who attempted to make that movie." "Whiskey Fire Old Snake requests an LZ prep over." "acknowledge." "Wall-Eye airborne." "Welcome aboard." "lead's going in." "Give her some cover." "delivery on five." "don't worry." "guns right." "Lay that shit down!" "Come on!" "you damn dirty heathens!" "this is Boomer One-Seven in the Zee!" "copy?" "this is Wall-Eye." "I got two-Alpha-four" "Jesus!" "Holy shit!" "Holy shit!" "boy!" "Jesus Christ! you call in that snake and nape and get us some boom-boom now!" "I'd do it myself but I'm kind of goddamn busy!" "Boomer!" "Wall-Eye!" "I copy!" "What the fuck?" "motherfucker!" "I think I can put it back in!" "This is the last Christmas I spend with Victor Charlie up my ass!" "Want some?" "Get some!" "Fats!" "I ain't seen Four Leaf!" "Don't count him out!" "That bastard's got luck tattooed to his ass!" "Miss me with that cracker chump jive!" "We di di mau!" "We di di mau!" "get down!" "What am I looking at?" "What is this?" "up!" "Sarge." "It's Four Leaf." "No!" "Survive!" "you limp dick fuckups!" "Peek-a-boo!" "I see you!" "Four Leaf!" "shit!" "Watch my right!" "let's boogie!" "No!" "No!" " Fats!" " Holy fuck!" "Take us over to those men!" "Shit!" "man." "Playing with grenades." "Linc." "I can't feel my legs." "Ain't nothing but a thang. 'cause I got something to..." "I got something to say." "boy." "I'm gonna finally teach you how to juggle. but I want you to know something." "man?" "You are my..." "You are my brother." "You are my brother." "You are my..." "You are my..." "I am your brother." "I'm sorry." "Could we cut?" "can we cut?" "you know what?" "two minutes." "Still rolling." "not still rolling." "Can we cut?" "we're not." "Get out!" "my butt is hurting!" "This harness is riding up my crack!" "are we cutting?" " No!" "No!" "Still rolling!" "sir?" "No!" "No." "I'm not cutting!" "We're still rolling!" "dude?" "Are we gonna blow this tree line or what?" "Tuk Tuk and Kim got the blue balls here." "I'm gonna let them squirt if we're a go!" "can he hear me?" "dipshit." "Put that back." "I said a detonator." "God damn it!" "He's making a fucking sweater back here." "I'm trying to put Tiger Balm on this jungle's nuts." "shit!" "baby?" "What the fuck is going on here?" "please shut up." "The jets are coming in." "We only have one chance at this!" "breathe." "do me a favor." "I don't want to do a countdown before I do the scene." " No countdown?" " No countdown." " Okay." " Can we just do it off of "Action"?" "Just..." "In your own time." "okay?" "dude." " And action!" "baby." "Fuck!" "Don't die!" "get me a VitaminWater!" "Damien?" "I'm sorry." "too?" "it's everyone cry..." " We cutting or we crying?" "man!" "you can cry." " Thanks!" " Everybody cry..." " You know what?" " You see how agitated he is now?" " I know." " Let's make lemonade." "Let's go to work." " Okay." "Still rolling!" "approximately two miles out." "these jets are about to crest this ridge line." "They got about 200 pounds of shit your pants." "I need to know if we're ready to go." " You're my..." "You're my..." " I am your..." "Damien." "I think it's the line." "Yeah?" "I don't know if Four Leaf would say that..." "Four Leaf?" "Were you crying when your hands blew up?" "just that's what... right?" " Where you going?" " Let's re-write it!" "Action Jackson can't cry." "That's what's going down." "Kirk?" "I'm ready to do the scene!" "What scene?" "The scene is about emotionality." "Where is it?" " Now it's time to flip the script!" " Kirk..." "Be here till Chinese New Year waiting for my man to cry." "Here they come!" "you pasty teabag!" "Can I make pee-pee?" "shit!" "Get the fruit..." "Jesus!" "Fuck!" "Shit!" "Cocksucking!" "go!" " Tropic tits!" "Goddamn shit-picking cock!" "It's beautiful!" "Mother Nature just pissed her pantsuit!" "hot!" "Fuck!" "mama!" "Let me down!" "Bungle in the jungle. where a $4 million explosion charred the Asian location and the camera wasn't even rolling. the film is already rumored to be one month behind schedule just five days into shooting." "The reason? Jeff Portnoy." "Let me tell you something." "A lot of people are disrespecting me. and... you!" "You can't do what I do." "Portnoy was almost uninsurable." "Also in the mix is Booty Sweat-hocking hip-hop hyphenate Alpa Chino." "about doing Tropic Thunder." "baby." "Drink Booty Sweat." "But the real heavyweight on the set is five-time Academy Award winner Kirk Lazarus." "The brilliant Australian known for his bad boy antics off-screen is famous for his total immersion into any role he portrays." "being an actor is no different save for the fact that my tools are the mechanisms that trigger human emotion." "Lazarus underwent a controversial pigmentation alteration procedure in order to play" "Lincoln Osiris." "Yeah!" "Trying to hold his own onscreen with Kirk is action juggernaut Tugg Speedman. lately his Scorcher films have lost their heat." "Speedman opened up to Tyra." "You have no real family." "You're on the wrong side of 40." "You're childless and alone." "One more flop and it's over." "Somebody said they were close to me?" "It's been a tough year for Tugg." "The disappointing buddy comedy Chitlin'  the Dude was followed by an ill-advised venture into serious dramatic territory. was a box office disaster" ""One of the worst movies of all time." "I ain't got a good brain." "Jack." "You make me happy." "can Speedman make audiences happy in what's being called the most expensive" " war movie never made?" " Rick Peck." "Wishing Tugg all the best on that one." "it's the Pecker." "You got time for your agent? guess who I'm staring at right now." " What?" " I'm looking at your ugly mug cuddly panda from Cutesville." "bro." "You are a rock star." "did you get the gift basket I sent?" "From Rick." "man." "Thanks." "bro." "Do not re-gift." "Hey." "You see that Access Hollywood piece?" "I did." "It was like pistol-whipping a blind kid." "all right? the one who has lice that none of the other kids want to play with?" " What do you mean?" " I mean we gotta shave your head right?" "What?" "How did the crying scene go?" "Horrible." "Lazarus started crying." "and it wasn't even in the script..." "Stop right there!" "Tuggboat." "Who cares how much more talented he may be than you?" "man." "leukemia or something think of that." "Boom!" "End of story." "They hook up the TiVo yet?" " No." " What?" "it's okay." "man." "It's not okay." "Tugg!" "And you don't need to explain to me why you need TiVo shelter." "I fought for that in your contract." "buddy?" "Not too great." "at least you get to choose yours." "I'm stuck with mine." "genius soldier." "The Pecker's on a TiVo mission for the Y-O-U." "my man." "All right." "Yeah." "Say it for me one time." " You make me happy." " Make me happy." "bye." "exactly?" "are we in a crisis?" "He's the head of the studio." "000 miles away." "He just wants a little face-time." "it's just you said that he called it a crisis meeting." "So..." "It's Les Grossman." "He throws these words around." ""fired." "These are just words." "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Keep a secret?" "A camera truck in London just plowed into Judi Dench." "he's got bigger problems." "but I can't see him." "Les!" "Hello!" " Get your ass out of my..." " Your feet were on my desk." " Can he see us?" "I don't know why we don't have..." "Get him a Diet Coke." "Les!" "It's working!" "Les!" "Les!" " Okay." "Les." "I see you." "I see you." "I see you." "Which one of you fuckfaces is Damien Cockburn?" "sir." "get some face-time." "And who here is the key grip?" "You?" "You." "really fucking hard." "man." "you limey fuck!" "my friend. but I am dealing with a bunch of prima donnas!" "he can't cry!" "He can't cry! you pull down their pants and you spank their ass." "Les." " What?" "Spanking a child turns him into a little snot." "Fear makes him a man." "I know a place where a man's worth is measured in the ears hanging from his dog tags." "The real deep shit." "You wanna make this movie right?" "That's where you take your pansy-ass actors." "Who is this guy?" "that's Four Leaf." "Sergeant Four Leaf Tayback." "I wrote the book." "You're a great American." "This nation owes you a huge debt." "Now shut the fuck up and let me do my job!" "Cockburn." " Yes." "my fist is gonna be so far up your shithole it's gonna have to tiptoe past my wedding ring." "or I will shut you down." "Diet Coke! the shepherd must kill the bull that leads them astray." " Four Leaf?" " Come on over." "It's okay." " Sit down." " Yes." "you don't like the hotel?" " Beds give me nightmares." "I'm guessing right about now you couldn't find a Dixie coonskin with an Ohio hooker holding your prick and showing you the way." "What? and you are not going to fail me." "You think I was just blowing my own bagpipe in that meeting?" "You must put those boys in the shit." "What?" "I don't understand." "I do." "you get some of those little video type cameras." "and we put them in the trees in different angles." "Then you give me and that pyromaniac Cody detonators you got. so those lily-dick actors would be shitting their pants and screaming for their mammies." "They'd be begging for a body bag if it means a ride home." "I could do it." "dirty." "Get them away from their helpers and ass-licking assistants." "Put them in the real shit." " Real shit." " With real fear in their eyes!" "yes!" " Yes!" "Yes!" " Yes!" "Yes!" "Take them off the fucking grid!" "You are no longer actors in a movie!" "You are five men in a helicopter!" "With three other men!" "anyways?" "'Cause I left most of my vitamins back at the hotel." "maggots!" "go!" "Get out of the chopper!" "move your ass!" "you wriggly worms!" "move!" "See you in hell!" "This is bullshit!" "I gotta at least call my fucking assistant." "Fucking!" "Jesus!" "Dude!" "You're sitting on a nest of hostile enemy V.C." "Fats." "You just got us all killed." "Anybody else care to give away our position to Charlie?" "Cell phones!" "Damien?" "man." "I'm head-to-toe legitimate." "I've got good news and bad news." "The studio wants to shut us down." "That's the bad news." "And the good news." "you will become a unit." "Your objective is to head north to the D'ang Kwook River at which point we will chopper you home!" "Damn. this is the scene list." "Think you can handle it?" "We have rigged this entire valley of death with hidden cameras. so that every glorious moment is captured on film." "it will be glorious." "chances are it probably is." "You wanted to be actors." "You wanted to occupy the skin of another human being. crawling up Satan's bottom." "your own little personal slice of 'Nam." "This radio goes to the chopper and the chopper only." "his son." "You are my chosen disciples." "And no one gets to go home till we get the shots." "gentlemen." "let's go and make the greatest war movie ever!" " Yeah!" " All right!" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Cockburn!" "Not bad." "Wherever you are!" "Wherever he is?" "Looks like he's all over the place." "Here we go." "Must be an old French mine." "It's a remnant from colonial Indo-China." "This jungle must be full of them." "Don't you get it?" "He's messing with our heads." "That's what all that playing God stuff was about." "save the movie." "He ain't playing God." "He's being judged by him." "That's our objective." "Complete the mission. but I've done a lot more effects-driven event films than you." "Okay?" "And I think I can spot a prop head when I see one." "Jesus." "guys." "Corn syrup and latex." "blood-flavored corn syrup." "God." "guys." "Welcome to the movie factory." "Oldest trick in the book." "He getting down now." "my God!" "look at me! and I'm going to make sure because I'm the director." "I'm from London." "I direct plays." "Damien!" "We got our war faces on!" "I'm Dave Beckham." "huh?" "Blow some sense into these young men. but I might be your biggest fan." "Yeah." "Tropic Thunder." "Kind of like my Catcher in the Rye. but I have lost an appendage in the line of duty." "first studio gig." "Yeah." "It's a pretty cool sidearm you got there." "What is it?" "I don't know what it's called." "I just know the sound it makes when it takes a man's life." "Okay." "we're go for explosion." "Ready to kick the tires and light the fires on your say-so." "we're go for explosion." "Do you copy?" "and I'm ready to blow some shit up." "you happy now?" "Can we do the scene?" "let's go!" "Here." "Okay." "ambush." "Four Leaf notices movement in the brush." "A dozen guerrilla fighters can be seen moving in the tree line." "Somewhere a mine explodes." And you." "I got a bad feeling on this one." "that's your line." "scared." "like how?" "I got a bad feeling on this one." "come on." "Fats. first thing I'm doing is paying my 2 bucks so I can watch Brooklyn bust his cherry on a sweet little mama-san's dinky dau poontang." "Brooklyn be bagged and tagged before he get any cooch." "he probably die a coochless motherfucker." "Motown." "I'm thirsty." "Might as well have some of this Booty Sweat I got back in Danang." "asshole!" "This motherfucker's dead! David Blaine trapdoor horseshit jumping off here!" "or do you wanna ruin another take?" "ain't no goddamn motion picture!" " You sure?" " Yeah." "man." "Then why are you still in character?" "but I don't have to tell you." "You don't know." "I don't drop character till I done a DVD commentary." "You happy now?" "We're out of position for the effects!" "fool!" "Didn't anyone read the script?" "This is the ambush!" " This feels pretty real!" " Exactly!" "Let's use it." "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Eat lead!" "They're busting caps like a motherfucker down there." "This is FUBAR." "I say we juice them." " What do you think?" " Juice them." "Charlie!" "Big-ass titties!" "huh?" "And cut!" "That's the trailer right there." "Yeah!" " What do we do now?" " Yeah." "North." "Man said to head north." "baby." "I believed it." "D'ang Kwook River." "I'm betting he's got more of these battles and Viet Congs rigged for us along the way." "get your men." "Load and lock." "I'm real." "Let's go!" "We got a lot of klicks to cover!" "gentlemen!" "Single formation." "Don't dawdle now!" "this is Puddingface." "How are we coming on that hotplate?" "Something's up." "I think we better drag ass back there." "Make sure Damien ain't forgot how to use his talkbox again." "come on." "Just a little taste." "man!" "I love jellybeans." "Can I please... you can't have any fucking jellybeans." "They're mine." "You think you're the only one who gets sick when he doesn't have his jellybeans?" "man." "Fuck." "Hey." "I didn't mean to show you up back there." "I feel like we really need to set the example for the other guys. but I think Damien's gonna get some great shit out of us." "Just wish I had a director like this on Jack." "On Jack." "What?" "Jack?" "What you talking about?" "yeah." "huh?" "huh?" "Thank you." "Thanks." "Yeah." "you know." "I just did the work." "Watched a lot of retarded people." "Spent time with them." "Observed them." "Watched all the retarded stuff they did." "I always found mere observation in and of itself is a tad rudimentary." "we gotta dig deeper to mine the true emotional pay dirt." "you know." "exactly." "there were times when I was doing Jack - like really retarded." " Damn." "I had to sort of just free myself up to believe that it was okay to be stupid or dumb." " To be a moron." " Yeah." "to be a moron." " An imbecile." " Yeah." "Like the dumbest motherfucker that ever lived." "When I was playing the character." "definitely." "stupid ass Jack. how am I gonna jumpstart it up again?" " It's just like..." "Right?" " Yeah." "You was farting in bathtubs and laughing your ass off." "it was really quite a..." "It was crazy." "man." "It's an art form." " Yeah." " You an artist." "right?" "Yeah." " Yeah. especially knowing how the Academy is about that shit." " About what?" " You're serious?" "You don't know?" "Everybody knows you never go full retard." " What do you mean?" " Check it out." "not retarded." "sure." "Not retarded." "Forrest Gump." "braces on his legs." "and he won a Ping-Pong competition." "That ain't retarded." "no." "man." "Never go full retard." "I Am Sam." "Remember?" "Went full retard?" "Went home empty-handed." "my God!" "Holy shit!" "turd." "You killed the director." "man." "and this is here." " He must have missed his mark." " Missed his mark?" "this isn't me." "let's bag and tag the bastard and get back to the hotel." "dumbo!" " We're in a world of hurt!" " You're in trouble." " This isn't just on me!" " We're in a..." "We're together on this." " Bullshit." "You're just gonna run away." "You're gonna leave." "okay?" "okay?" "all right?" "okay?" "This shit will fucking ruin me!" "I'm not." " Get off me!" " You are not going back!" " What the fuck?" " Now wait a minute." "I fucking hate movies." "This is bullshit." "I don't wanna be in this shitty movie." "No!" "That's my jellybeans!" "No!" "grab the bat!" "Please!" "Shit!" "I got a Bust-A-Nut." " You go to hell!" "There he is." "God damn it!" "Okay." "Where'd he go?" "You little piece of shit!" "I'm gonna fucking rip your wings off!" "keep it on the down-low." "man." "I need bait." "right?" "You can read a map?" "I think so." "I know Speedman got everyone convinced we out here but I don't buy it." "You wanna step on a real landmine?" "You wanna die?" "You wanna get shot by a real motherfucker?" "of course not." "can I count you in?" "I guess you can." " Dynamite." "I'm out." "That smelled just like bologna for some reason." "Is anyone gonna fucking help me get this fucking thing?" "Why are they even out in the daytime?" "bro." "I don't need to pee." "I need to talk to you." "Lazarus is gonna torpedo the movie. and I think he's getting cold feet." "Kyle." " It's Kevin." "Good." "Can I count on you?" "Yeah." "If you want I could give the map a look-see." " I'll handle the map." " Okay." "I'm thinking there could be a Teen Choice Award in it for you." "the whole deal." "that's wicked." " Good." "now you're dead!" "You O.D.'d!" "Jeff." "Fucking hell!" "man!" "I don't have any more jellybeans." "You land there!" "Wow." "Look at these ruins." " Where the hell are we?" " D'ang Kwook River." "That so?" "How do you know that?" "How you sure?" "dude." "Let's go." "my skin hurts!" "ladies!" "man." "Let me take a look at that map right quick." "Why is everybody all obsessed with the map?" "'Cause we're tired of being your trail donkeys!" "Acting like you some one-man GPS!" "man!" "McClusky." "Tell him what time it is." "I don't believe you people." "What do you mean "you people"?" "you people"?" "I think what Tugg means is... man." "white devil eyes." "for real!" "no!" " Silence!" "Chill!" "All right?" "Just chill it." "let's go get those Viet Congs." " "Viet Cong"!" " What?" "It's "Viet Cong." There's no "S." It's already plural." "You wouldn't say "Chineses." "that's enough of this insubordination!" "we break down." "he was big but a little puffy he got all shredded up?" " Yeah." " That's kind of how you look right now." " Yeah?" " Not Rambo I but II." "when he was cut up." "but you know... man." "dude?" " It's a diet." "I'm just dieting." " Really?" "but it's just..." "It's tough." " You look good." " Any tips?" "you got?" "the pineapple..." " Give me that goddamn map!" "Fuck you!" " Hey!" "now!" "Sikorski?" "Tell us where we really at." "That's fucking bullshit!" "It's a chump move." "doc." "We're going the wrong way!" " Damn!" " Son of a bitch. and instead we did this." "shit!" "boy?" "This is not cool!" "Maybe." "This is insane!" "Are you really going to abandon this movie?" "We're supposed to be a unit!" "Suck my unit!" "fine." "man." "you have no idea where you're going!" "I do!" "dusk." "who treks alone through a frightening jungle." "Kirk!" "men." "Let's get home." "Mr. Mantis." "You're beautiful." "if you recall that whole hullabaloo others backing HD DVD." "People thought it would come down to and they're pretty much the same." "What it came down to was a combination of gamers and porn." "whichever format porno backs is usually the one that becomes the most successful." "every PlayStation 3 has a Blu-ray in it." "You talking to me this whole time?" "I was talking to whoever was listening to me." "man!" "Booty Sweat." "God!" "It's cold!" "It's freezing." "I'm fucking cold." "You want my flak jacket?" "are you insane?" "It's boiling!" "It's like a sweat lodge out here!" "Flatch Adams." "I gotta take a fucking 12-pound shit! but there's no way we make it over that ridge before sundown." "rest up!" "God." " Y'all might be in for a treat." "I was a saucier in San Antone." "I bet I could collar up some of them greens." "yo." "yeah!" "yeah!" "suh." "get some crawfish and some ribs." "Kangaroo Jack." "man." "Die!" "No!" "what the hell is going on here?" "Where are we?" "I have no idea." "I've never been outside the States." "what?" "Are you fucking kidding me?" "Did you make this whole goddamn thing up?" "were you even in the fucking service?" "Yes." "Of course." "Coast Guard." " Coast Guard." " Sanitation Department." "my God!" "You're a fucking garbage man!" "Damn it." "F.L. Tayback lies to me and the whole goddamn U.S. of A." "I wrote the book as a tribute!" "I'm a patriot!" "okay?" "You lied about fighting the Vietnam War." "God damn it." "and to think I believed in you!" " I don't wanna be next to you." " Writers lie all the time." "Can I be tied to another post?" "Okay." " Rick?" " Tugg." "Rick." "The thing I love most in the world." "get off the line now!" "you killed a hooker." "Calm down." "Here's what you're gonna do. some hydrogen peroxide and a shitload of lime." "a panda." "I killed a panda." "dude." "that's probably not even her real name." "a panda!" "A panda? vicious little panda." "don't scare me like that!" "It's beautiful here." "You on the set?" "I am the set." "how's the TiVo working out?" "Screw TiVo." "I'm way beyond TiVo." "though." "Hadn't hooked it up?" "No TiVo?" "It doesn't matter anymore." "I've moved on." "Where have you moved on to?" "Another agency?" "who is with you?" "Tugg Speedman!" "I am getting the TiVo!" "I'm out the door!" "Tugg?" "Please don't fire me." "mama." "Thirsty." "He doesn't look too good." "so I can throw something up!" "no." "Don't drink that water!" "That water's like a petri dish!" "don't!" "do you have any Booty Sweat?" "get him chugging on some of Alpa's ass water." "That'll bring him around." "It's a cure-all." "what you coming out in movies for anyway?" "Did you need another revenue stream?" "my revenue stream currently generates $2 million a year in charitable contributions for my community." " Hot damn." " And why am I in this movie? because they had one good part in it for a black man and they gave it to Crocodile Dundee." "kid." "That man is a national treasure." "I just wanted to throw another shrimp on your barbie." "That shit ain't funny." "fellas!" "It's hot!" "We're tired!" "It stinks!" "Kangaroo Jack!" "I'm sorry a dingo ate your baby." "You know that's a true story?" "Lady lost her kid." "relax and stuff." "man!" "I'm sick of this koala-hugging nigger telling me... that word has kept us down." "What the fuck?" "It took a whole lot of trying just to get up that hill. getting our turn at bat." "baby." "That's the theme song for The Jeffersons." "You really need help." "don't make it not true." "You know what?" "I'm gonna tell you what's true." "baby." "guys!" "stay away from that animal." "I'm gonna bite his hide." "I need..." "I need to wear his stomach skin like a unitard." "Ain't nobody doing nothing to no one or body! put him up on that cloven-hoof animal!" "We got ground to cover!" "scene 67." "Cockburn!" "but my mind wanders free." "let me do the line again." "Let me do the line again." "but my mind wanders free." "again." "Again." "good." "Now let's do the torture scene." "I see moss on both sides of that tree." "maybe if I wasn't the only one at boot camp... you guys!" "I'm nauseous." "I gotta puke!" "I don't wanna die like Hendrix!" "All right." "All right." "Jeff?" "I'm awesome." "Holy shit!" "down." "Man." "Now I'm tripping." "yo." "Speedman was right?" "I don't think so." "the armed guards." "Looks like a heroin processing plant." "We were in that chopper for hours." "I don't even think we're in Vietnam anymore." " Fuck." " Shit." "We ain't even in 'Nam?" "most likely Myanmar or Laos." "What the fuck is Laos?" "It's the Golden Triangle." "The world's hard drug superhighway." "And how do you know about that?" "It was a really long trip." "I read the in-flight magazine." "Cut!" "Jesus!" "man?" "I'm blocked." "cut!" "cut!" "They got Speedman." "And it doesn't look good." "I am Tran." "You are a trespasser in my poppy fields." "You are D.E.A. scum!" "Were there some re-writes that I missed?" "Do you want to die?" " Do you?" " No!" "don't hurt me!" "Say that again." "don't hurt me." "No!" "Like you did before!" "Say it!" "Say it!" "don't hurt me!" " What?" " You are Simple Jack." "You saw Simple Jack?" "Simple Jack." "We do not have many luxury here." "And Simple Jack is the only movie we possess." "You got the VHS." "many times." "You should've got Oscar." "you know." "It's..." "Just to be nominated..." "You were nominated?" "no." "I wasn't nominated." "I'm just saying that to have been nominated would have been nice." "It's just..." "It's very political." "You have to take out ads..." " Shut up now!" " Okay." "Okay." "are you going to or..." "No." "We'll hold you for ransom." "Much more money now!" "He's in a meeting." "I know." "In about two seconds with the Pecker." "I'm gonna rip your fucking tits off." "You wanna talk about trouble?" "That's trouble." "whoa." "Peck?" "Les?" "Glasses?" "What?" "So you can read the Tropic Thunder contract some form of digital video recorder on location." " Huh?" " I can't believe you let him in." "so why don't you get the hell out of here before I snap your dick off and jam it into your ass?" "Helen." "But I will rip your tits off if you don't get me those theaters." "Perfect." "I've got you on speakerphone. and he is dying to tell you why he's apparently wiped his ass with the TiVo clause from your contract." "We are Flaming Dragon." "Speedman is with us now." "you will get him back." " Are you gonna get those..." " Who is this?" " And how did you get this phone?" " We are Flaming Dragon!" "Simple Jack belong to us now." "does he?" "shitbird." "I've never even heard of your little agency." "But if you think you can poach my client... or you no see Simple Jack again because we kill him." "This is Les Grossman." "Who is this?" "This is Flaming Dragon!" "Okay." "Flaming Dragon." "Fuckface." "take a big step back and literally fuck your own face!" "I don't know what kind of pan-Pacific bullshit power play is my territory." "you better think again. and I will rain down an ungodly fucking firestorm upon you." "You're gonna have to call the fucking United Nations and get a fucking binding resolution to keep me from fucking destroying you." "motherfucker!" "I will massacre you!" "I will fuck you up!" " Could you find out who that was?" "Go." " Yeah." "Yeah." "You wear these." "More like Simple Jack teeth." "Okay." "and that's great..." "Put teeth in!" "Now do movie." "The whole movie?" "I can't." "I don't know the whole..." "You perform!" "You perform or die!" "Monkey swine!" "Pa." "More stupid!" "why you gotta make me feel bad?" "You saw what I saw." "Tugg Speedman is dead meat if we don't do something soon. which is in the other direction!" "Ain't right." "What would've happened in The Great Escape if Steve McQueen and them dudes had turned tail and ran?" "that's what that movie was about." "They were escaping." "They ran away." "I'm trying to agree with you." "The point is they did something." "huh?" "that's a plan." "playing with his dick when he's nervous." "Wait a minute." "Wait a minute." "Wait a minute." "I got an idea." "This might be a little crazy." "Crazy's better than nothing." "I did a low-budget titty comedy for Skinemax." " Sex Camp." "Remember it?" " Yeah." "me and the campers from the uncool camp had to break into the rich girl camp. and we parachuted down. we already know the plan." " Fine." "the Wet Offensive." "The book of Tropic Thunder." "did you guys read the book?" "I read the back flap and saw the pictures." "it's okay." "It's exactly the same as in the script." "Cool." "right?" "script reads me." "What the hell does that even mean?" "man!" "All right." "The Wet Offensive." "Osiris and Fats go undercover as a diversion." "Motown and Brooklyn sneak in via the river." "Yeah." "But those dudes was trained soldiers." "Yeah!" "motherfucker." "Time to man up." "And I ain't gonna sugarcoat." "Some of us might not even make it back." "What do you mean?" "Like not on the same flight?" "Alpa and I's already wearing earth mama's natural night camo." "Benson." " Sorry." "come looking." "We are Flaming Dragon." "Okay." "Flaming Dragon's a heroin manufacturer." "They're responsible for an eighth of the drug trade in Asia." " Huge profit margin." " Guys!" "Would somebody please let me know what the game plan is?" "Peck!" "We have it handled." "don't interrupt." "Everything's under control." "I got it." "Got it." " Les Grossman." " We not get money yet." "Price now 100 million!" "or tomorrow Simple Jack die." "Great." "Let me get this down." "100 million." "Wait!" "I got a better idea. how about I send you a hobo's dick cheese?" "Then you kill him!" "Do your thing!" "Skin the fucking bastard!" "man!" "Go to town! go fuck yourself!" " No." " We don't negotiate with terrorists." "are you insane?" " I think I could've done that better." " I thought it was good." "They're gonna kill him!" "in the press." "Set up a scholarship in his name. we file an insurance claim." "Preferably before the end of the fiscal year." "the claim alone would net us more than the movie would lose." "You can't be serious." "Let's face it." "The kids aren't dressing up as Scorcher for Purim anymore. a white dwarf heading for a black hole." "That's physics." "It's inevitable." "Peck." "The universe is talking to us right now." "You just gotta listen." "Pecker." "This is when the job gets fun." "Yeah." "Ask and you shall receive." "we play ball." "I know you want the goodies." "Welcome to the goody room." "You paying attention?" "'Cause I'm talking G5 for the Pecker." "That's how you're gonna roll." "No more frequent flier bitch miles for my boy." "Yeah!" "Playa." "Playa!" "Big dick playa." "Swinging past your knees!" "baby." "Yep." "Or you can grow a conscience in the next five minutes and see where that takes you." "Let me get this straight. for some money and a G5?" "Yes." "A G5 airplane?" "Yes." "And lots of money." "Playa." "Yeah!" "rub it down!" "But Mama take care of Jack a lot." "How many more sleeps before she wakes up again?" "Jack." "She in heaven now." "Damn!" "I thought the movie was bad." "She sleep forever." "he's actually eased up on the retard throttle." "and the audience can connect." "he's had a tough road." "He'll become a naturalist. then the..." "Told you I'd tag you back." "Can I tell you that I'm sorry man?" " I just got caught up in..." " In being a dumbass?" "I guess so." "I have no idea." " Neither do I." " It's beyond me." " It's beyond me." " You confused." " I am a little confused." " I know." "But are we cool?" "Not really." "man." " How's it going?" " Good." "Yourself? I think I'm just gonna hang back here for the mission." "Watch the stuff." " Is that cool?" " What?" "No!" "Jeff." "What are you talking about?" "man." " I got something to tell you." " Okay." "You know those jellybeans I was eating?" "okay?" " They were drugs." " Really?" "man." "I'm gonna fucking do all the heroin in the fucking world." "you gotta strap me to a tree." "a tree. until it is out of my system." "I'm cool." "It's cool." "I'm finally better." "I'm finally better." "Untie me." "Don't listen to me!" "Anything I fucking say is a lie!" "You got it!" "Mama!" "Now you can have ice cream in heaven." "in my head movies." "But this head movie makes my eyes rain." "Dang." "Gilligan catching a kidney shot." "man." "Okay." "That's where they keeping him." "I gotta get cracking on my costume." "are you good with a needle and thread?" "yeah." "Alpa Chino chinos sold more than five million pairs last spring at the Gap." "baby." " Let's roll out." "It's a little twig man Oscar." "I'm going to call you Half Squat." "And you can call me" "Papa." "look at all those stars." "Really makes a guy feel pretty small." "This could be the last time we look at these stars." "that's beauty." "Nights like tonight make a man wonder what it's all about." "you guys." "Anybody got some bug spray?" "Don't ignore me!" "man." "We're gonna get through this." "Kirk?" " Yeah?" "Are you still dating Jennifer Love Hewitt?" "'Cause I think she's hot." "that was just some tabloid conjecture." "I'm good." "I made it through." "You can untie me now." "huh?" "The circus life 280 days a year on location." "you know?" "nohow." "Radar?" "Evans?" "it's Kevin." "whatever the fuck." "Come over here. and there's a role in there for you if you come over and untie me." "you're just going to have to tough it out." "Your mother's a cankerous whore!" "man." "man." "Remember way back when I said your mother was a cankerous whore?" "man." "I did not mean that." "She's not." "man?" "You got some little minx waiting for you on the other side of tomorrow?" "Me?" "and... but that's not gonna happen." "Masterblaster?" "You got a certain someone you trying to get with back in the States?" "24/7." "man." "I'm talking about something special." "Big difference." "How about it?" "Yeah." "there is." "Well?" "What's the skinny?" "Y'all been on a date or what?" "No." "I mean... but I guess I just never had the courage to ask." "It's..." "It's complicated." "man. you and me's going on a date." That's the end of story." " What's her name?" " Lance." "Lance..." "Lance?" "What the fuck did I just hear?" "Lance?" " Did you say "Lance"?" " No!" "I said "Nance." "Nance."" " It sounded like "Lance." "okay?" "I love the pussy!" "All right?" "Lay your ass back down and look at the stars." "When you wrote I Love Tha Pussy was you thinking of dangling your dice on Lance's forehead?" "no!" "What?" "Come on." "Look." "everyone's gay once in a while." " I'm not gay!" "This Hollywood." "How about we all get back to work?" " Okay." "Cool." " This is ridiculous!" "We got a big day tomorrow." "Let's get focused." "I will literally suck your dick right now." "I love the pussy! work the pipe and swallow the gravy." "buddy." "Let's do this." "what's the plan?" "Are you gonna talk Vietnamese to those dudes?" "No." "No." "Mandarin Chinese." "is what they speaking down there." "How the hell do you know Chinese?" "third Oscar." "Prepped for that one by working in a Beijing textile factory for eight months." "That might be our ride." "The straps are too tight!" "Shut your mouth and follow my lead." "Okay." "All right." "That looks like it could be the munitions hut right there." "I'm gonna try to find Speedman in the main building." "Get over here!" " What are you guys doing here?" " He has hands." " He killed Damien." " Bullshit!" " He blinded Jamie Lee Curtis." " Almost!" "What are you talking about?" "Damien stepped on a old landmine." "Sweet." "Thank God." " We busting Speedman out." " Speedman's here?" "They got my boom boom up here." "I take it y'all are doing the Wet Offensive from the book." "I can give y'all a diversion." "I got enough shit here to light this place up like it's the Fourth of fucking July." "your farm." "American?" "My farm?" "shit." "Here's my motherfucking farm!" "Yeah!" "baby!" "Kwan-Lo!" "motherfucker!" "Yeah!" "keep your head down!" "Keep your head down on the ground!" "Nobody move or I do the little big guy!" "J.P." "Now show me where the drugs are." "What the fuck?" "That ain't the plan!" "Don't judge me!" "He's got a real serious problem." "you!" "Take off your clothes!" "Take off your clothes!" "What do we do now?" "Stick with the plan." "Find Speedman." "keep this clown posse down." "Come on now." "don't move!" "Fuck your do-rag." "Fuck your do-rag." "three!" "you go low." "get the hell down!" "it's gonna be bullet Whac-A-Mole." "come on!" " Smoke grenade." " Don't drop it now." "Here." " What's this?" " I don't know what it's called." "I just know the sound it makes when it lies." "or I will shoot you." "I'm gonna put on this thing." "Don't move." "I can still see you." "Tugg!" "Tugg?" "Gotcha." "man." "We going home." "Home?" "But I'm doing five shows a day for a standing-room-only crowd." "Don't you get it?" "I already am home." "you gotta get it..." "My son gave this to me." " That's your stick buddy?" " His name is Twigman." "Does he wanna come with us?" "Get the hell down!" "What you doing?" "What you doing?" "Don't touch that gun." "Don't do it!" "Don't touch that gun!" "if you touch that gun... it's on!" " Over here!" "Pinocchio!" "Smoke!" "shit!" "don't!" "It doesn't matter what I do." "I'll always be a screw-up." "No one'll ever respect me." "you are not a screw-up!" "You make so many people laugh." "They only laugh at my farts." "we really need to go now!" "This is all I deserve!" "you bastards!" "Hilarious!" "Hilarious!" "Let's move." "We only have 16 hours before they wake up." "Sounds like the dinner bell's ringing." "These assholes are gonna be crawling in here ready to fucking eat us." "you keep six right here." "let's go." "what are you guys doing?" "Let's get out of here!" "He's on tilt status." "Same thing happened to me when I played Neil Armstrong in Moonshot." "They found me in an alley in Burbank trying to re-enter the Earth's atmosphere in an old refrigerator box." "Give me the flame thrower." "You gotta start the chopper." "fuck that!" "Just give me this." " No time!" "I'll take care of this!" "All right." "Give me your hooks." "I'm not gonna put them on again." " Just give me your goddamn hooks." " All right." "Here." "pronto!" "Shit!" "Enough!" "Fake shit!" "Fuck!" "Go get your guys!" "Get them to the chopper!" "I'll take care of these yahoos!" "and say it." "Tugg." "Tugg who?" " Tugg who?" "I don't know." "Who are you?" " Me?" "I know who I am!" "I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude." "What?" "You a dude that don't know what dude he is!" "Or are you a dude who has no idea what dude he is and claims to know what dude he is..." "What the fuck are you guys talking about?" "...by playing other dudes?" "I know what dude I am!" " You're scared." " I ain't scared." "Scared of what?" "Or scared of who?" "guys." "We really need to go!" "Scared of you." " Jesus." " What's going on?" "The dudes are emerging." "you know." "I am not" "Sergeant Lincoln Osiris." "We gotta roll out." "Nor am I Father O'Malley." "Or Neil Armstrong." "I think I might be nobody." "Wow!" "The insecurity level with you guys is ridiculous!" "everybody got issues." "Come on!" "You're Kirk Lazarus." "You're the whole reason I got into acting." "I memorized every single monologue you ever did when I was in theater school." "Tugg!" "I saw Scorcher I 24 times when I was in eighth grade." "That shit blew me away!" "I got high to that shit!" "You the man!" "Scorcher I was great." "Let's get the fuck out of here!" "buddy." "We need you!" "Your men need you!" "Are you with us?" "I'm a rooster illusion." "Fuck it." "We'll deal with him later." "Let's move." "Come on." "Come on." "Double time." "Gotta go!" "come on." "Bingo!" "Move out." "God." "you drug-making midget." "Gotta hold on!" "Four Leaf!" "You grew hands?" "gentlemen!" "Where are you going?" "my God." "I am moving to catering after this." "My ass!" "My ass!" "Tugg!" "We gotta get his cracker ass to the chopper!" "Are you still crazy?" "We gotta get Candisky to the chopper!" "It's Sandusky." " Kevin Sandusky." " That's my name." "You remembered my name." "go help Cody." "get Sandusky back to the chopper." "Go!" " I got him!" " Let's go!" "Let's get out of here!" "Leaf!" " Leaf!" " Yeah." "Hit the plunger" " as soon as they clear the bridge!" " Got it!" "Come on!" "Get in the chopper!" " Come on!" "Move!" " Kirk!" "Wait!" "I'm gonna blow the bridge!" "Leaf's about to blow the bridge." "Come on!" "You don't have to!" "You don't have to!" "I'm staying." "mate." "We gotta go." "I'm not being crazy." "They'll listen to me." "but I have a connection with them." " Get over here!" " I have a son now." "Little Half Squat." "Who in crikey fuck is Half Squat?" "He's my son." "He's my boy!" "He needs me." "I have to go back to him." "You tell the world what happened here." "What happened here?" "but you need to tell them." "I got this." "Tugg!" "You take care of the boys!" "I'll deal with these guys." "Where is he going?" "We're gonna fucking die!" "come on." "He joined the circus." "Let's go." " You've got hands." " Yeah." " Fuck!" "You've got hands?" " Come on!" " Come on!" " Get in!" " Come on!" " He's staying?" "mate!" "Get out of here!" "I was wrong!" "Blow the bridge!" "Blow the fucking bridge!" "I got this." "no!" "It's over!" "He's gone!" "Cody!" "We gotta go!" "Look." "Think he's done." "Cover me!" "come back!" "How do we cover him?" "mate." "Come on." "man?" " I'm cold." "I can't feel my legs." "mate." "See?" "There's a puddle right there." " No worries." " Good." "man." " You guys came back for me." " Course." "Hey!" "I want you to know something." "What?" "I know who you are." "You're my friend." "You're my brother." "you know?" "Like a brother where there was no animosity or... you got some real tears going." "Really?" "That's the stuff that accolades are made of." "man!" "All right?" "Upsy-daisy." "Come on!" "Come on!" "Come on!" "Let's go!" "Let's go!" "Get in!" "Get in!" "Come on!" "Here we go!" "Tuggernuts!" "I got it!" " Tugger!" " Rick!" "What the fuck?" "I got the TiVo!" "my friend gets a TiVo!" "shit!" "And the Oscar goes to..." "Yes!" "Tugg Speedman." "The True Story Behind the Making of the Most Expensive Fake True War Story Ever." "Yeah!" "you son of a bitch!" "$400 million and you saved Tugg Speedman's career." "Slolom." "Really?" "of course I could." "I... go get drunk and take credit at all the parties." " I would never do that to..." " Joking." " Yeah?" " Yeah." "there he is." " There he is." "Okay." " Go have fun." "All right." "We're having a..." "Les." "Thank you." "You have a good night... a nutless monkey could do your job." "sir." "Subtitles by LeapinLar"