"D'you think he's got servants in Cornwall?" "Dunno." "Probably a few retainers, couple of scullery maids." "The odd butler, footman." "Basic set-up." "Gardener." "That might be nice." "Bit of Mellors action." "What?" "Up against a tree." "Never mind." "This is going to be so good for us." "And a change of scene can really enhance concentration." "We'll get so much work done." "Howard's on the phone to BT." "Says he'll get the train." "What about Kingsley?" "He's not coming." "Heather and Kingsley spending some "quality time" together." "Ugh!" "From Pussyman to Pussywitch." "I know - probably for the best." "Last thing we want is a couple on Freakout." "Thought you said it was a study weekend." "Yeah, well, it's both." "We'll study from 9-1, then party like fuck, then study from 3-6 then party like fuck again." "It is good to vary the schedule." "Look - who knows what'll happen?" "We might all end up getting so drunk that we have an orgy." "For example." "I don't think so." "No." "No." "We won't." "Look." "You can have a think about it." "We don't need to decide now." "Drive on!" "Oh, and fuck the satnav." "It's just straight down the motorway and turn right at Bath." "You could still go." "I don't want to." "I'm fine." "Kings..." "Yeah, well, look, they've gone now." "It's broken." "But I said you should go." "Clearly a test." "Kingsley, honestly - you should've just gone." "I've got shitloads of work anyway." "You're only trying to make me feel sorry for you." "What!" "?" "I should be able to go away for a weekend and it's not a massive deal." "And you can!" "How come I'm sitting here then?" "I don't know!" "Why are you?" "Because I feel guilty!" "Which is unfair on me because it's just a couple of days away with my mates and you give me a hard time about it!" "I'm saying go, I don't mind!" "Have a shoebox full of fun." "Freakout." "You mean, you actuallydon'tmind?" "Kingsley?" "Go to Cornwall." "Because it should be obvious from talking to me that if I can't fix this problem, it probably requires the highest level of diagnostic troubleshooter you have." "I wangled a party visa." "I'll see you down there, dude." "Look." "At this very minute I should be in Cornwall enjoying a freakout." "Now, are you going to pass me on to an expert or not?" "You moron." "'Will you hold please while I transfer you?" "'" "Yes, I'll hold." "Listen to this." ""Perstel, of the stiff staff, per stern hip be gripped."" "What the fuck?" "It's Middle English." "You're telling me." "Wasn't that like a language session or something?" "I thought that was for foreign students." "No-one ever said there was more than one English!" "Argh!" "I don't mind talking to you." "I just know the shape of your customer service decision tree." "And you're not going to be able to fix this." "But." "Prem Oppo 65 from Seattle might have a chance, but you, reading out pages from a woefully outdated operating manual, WILL NOT!" "'Will you hold, please?" "'" "Yes, I'll hold." "Bit late." "Vod, can you check it for me?" "It's Twitter." "Someone's "mentioned" you." "Oh!" "You OK?" "Yeah." "Stuff on my mind." "Like what?" "Oh, nothing." "Dave's wedding." "Yeah, this weekend, actually." "What?" "I'm totally fine with it." "This girl called Lucy." "Really lovely girl." "Friend of ours from school." "Whole village'll be there." "Fucking nightmare." "Watching Dave." "Marry Lucy." "In my church." "That I was meant to be getting married in." "They're basically having my wedding." "Settling down." "With a family." "Sense of security." "Local community." "Urgh, well, nightmare." "I'm very relaxed about the whole situation." "Where is everyone?" "Hmm?" "Cornwall." "I see." "You not invited?" "I'm going soon." "I'm on hold." "It's been 12 hours." "37 minutes." "And counting." "Just to inform you, I'm expecting a visitor." "Just a fuck buddy from back home." "It is the correct term, "fuck buddy"?" "I believe so." "He's a man." "We fuck." "Nothing more serious." "A buddy for fucking?" "You're determined." "That's nice." "Thanks!" "Welcome to my house, my very big house, in the country." "We're gonna smoke our heads off and drink our feet off." "Fuck me!" "Exactly." "There's no food." "There's no water." "Blimey." "OK, er, water, water." "Water switch." "Where's your boiler?" "Your water mains?" "Where's my boiler?" "Best way with this place is just to Google it." ""How do I switch on the water in my very big house?"" "My god." "I think I just found my dad." "By the old Defender." "My dad's on Google Earth!" "My dad is still alive on Google Earth." "I know they're using my wedding day and my church and everything, but it would've been nice to be involved, you know?" "You're very popular all of a sudden." "No, I'm not." "Lipsgate." "It's trending." "They think I shut down Derek's gay and lesbian magazine." "That's cool." "You see?" "Here I am, in Devon..." "Cornwall." "With someone whose poetry magazine is trending on Twitter." ""Who the fuck does that gay-hating slut think she is?" "Hope she dies."" "Yeah, sure, it's a bit harsh, but it's still to do with your poetry magazine." "Yes?" "That's what my friends are doing." "No-one in South Wales does poetry." "Apart from Dylan Thomas." "What up, K-dawg?" "You came!" "Knotsford!" "Knotsford!" "Knotsford!" "If it wasn't for Kingsley, I'd probably still be getting married." "Aye-aye-aye?" "S'up, lad?" "What happened to Wifie?" "Nothing." "I came." "17 short hours on a coach next to juddering crackhound and here I am." "He left his bitch, to suck, as he came, to fuck!" "The Pussyman is in da house!" "Maybe you should just hang up." "You're missing a weekend away." "I willneverhang up." "I know you can hear me." "I said, "never"!" "We're having a serious study sesh." "Come on, we need caffeine." "Hey, you know what'd be brilliant?" "Driving to Wales and gatecrashing Dave's wedding." "Not sure Dave'll love it." "He will!" "It'd be a laugh." "I just think we're all pretty drunk, and too drunk to drive." "Not in Devon." "Cornwall." "Cornwall!" "I meant Cornwall." "Cornwall, Cornwall, Cornwall." "Who you texting?" "Just bloody Heather, checking up on me." "Gardener." "Hates me." "Why?" "Because I shot her dad." "You what?" "!" "Ugh, it's no biggie." "He was like, a beater on one of our shoots and I accidentally shot him." "End of." "Was he OK?" "Yeah." "Well, I mean, he did die, but like a couple of years later." "Had an operation and the organ didn't take, or something." "You can hardly lay the blame for that at my door." "Josie, who's Mike?" "Dunno." "Which Mike is it?" "Is it Sexy Mike?" "It just says, "Mike's here keeping me company"?" "Who's the other Mike?" "There's Sexy Mike, and there's Mike With A Big Dick." "She's probably just studying." "Why do you think she was so happy for you to go away?" "Maybe she wanted to get some work done." "Yeah, get some work done on Sexy Mike's big dick!" "No, you're mixing them up." "Sexy Mike might not even have a big dick." "He might be, say, very handsome or have great arms." "Is that meant to be helping?" "!" "Ask her." "If she says, "We're just mates", that's woman-speak for, "Whilst my boyfriend's away," ""we're going to be fucking each other's brains out."" "Oh, Josie, what the fuck are you doing?" "I'm just going to Wales - I'll see you later." "Josie, you're too drunk to drunk-drive." "That's quite drunk." "Bollocks!" "I'm sober enough to drunk-drive." "I just tripped." "Jonathan?" "Mummy!" "Wh-what the hell are you doing here?" "Well, this is my house and I live here." "At least until Monday." "What are you doing?" "Obviously, I've invited my friends down for a freakout?" "What do you mean, "until Monday"?" "I just popped down to freshen the place up." "I put it on the market and it got snapped up." "The house has been sold." "Holy fucking shit, Mummy!" "Tsch!" "What?" "!" "Have look through the keyhole, see if there's anyone with her." "It'll have to be quick." "I can't leave the living room for long periods." "I thought you were coming down." "I am." "I will." "It's just that I've been drawn into a battle of wills." "Here's what they don't know." "I will NEVER give up." "What am I looking for?" "OK." "So..." "Just have a look through the keyhole." "'Hello?" "'" "Hello!" "Now you listen to me!" "'Your call is important to us." "You're currently being held in a queue.'" "One of our operators will be with you shortly.'" "Oh, you're good!" "You really are!" ""Saf-pat-poo shall sicame."" "Uh!" "Seriously, it's twisting my fucking melon." "You need the modern translation." "Morning, Kingsley!" "Morning, Mrs Pembersley." "There's a translation?" "Oh, yes." "You know what?" "We might have a copy in the attic." "I read English at St Hilda's." "I hope you slept well." "Awfully well." "Thanks, Mrs Pembersley." "Thank you so much for having us." "Please call me Diana." "I didn't, obviously." "Due mainly to the crying and unhappiness caused by you selling my house." "It's a fucking outrage, Mummy!" "That's what it is." "Jonathan, come on!" "You're not even dressed." "Yes, I am." "This is casual wear." "I am allowed to wear casual wear during the holidays." "When will you shave?" "You've got visitors." "I know I've got visitors." "They've come all the way down from the North of England for a weekend freak out, which you are ruining." "Well, you can't make too much mess." "Vladimir is viewing on Monday." "Can't you use the teenagers' room for your freak out?" "I could help put up the ping-pong table." "I can't believe you didn't tell me about this." "I was going to tell you in London over lunch." "People don't just sell houses, OK, mother!" "Houses are meant to be handed down." "Where the fuck are we going to live?" "!" "Well, you're in Manchester, your brother's in Scotland," "I'll move in with Leon in Chelsea." "Why are you being so dramatic?" "You can have his study when you come and stay." "My own mother is making me homeless and she accuses me of the dramatic!" "While you're here, you can sort out stuff you want to keep." "The rest can go on the skip." "Wha...?" "We're getting a skip now?" "!" "Mummy, have you any idea how fucking embarrassing this is for me?" "Guh!" "It's always like this at the end of term." "We call it "the bends"." "Hm!" "Say "bye" to him from me, will you?" "Oh, wait a sec!" "Key to the attic." "You can grab that translation." "I just think, how come she's never mentioned Mike before?" "I mean, doesn't that seem weird to you?" "No." "It's my old beating pole." "Marcus the bear!" "Look, Kingsley!" "It's Marcus the bear!" "Ah!" "Cogsley." "And Sprinks." "My Millennium Dome mascots." "My dad took me to get these." "I don't know why everyone was so down on the Dome." "It was a fucking awesome day out." "Mike!" "He just sounds suspicious." "I mean, Mike, Dave." "Why are there always guys in the way, these Daves and Mikes?" "It's true, you know, what they say." "You don't know what you've got until it's gone, do you?" "She didn't even say goodbye." "Come on, where are you green bastard?" "!" "Happy wedding day, Josie." "Any more death threats?" "Just a couple." "Someone's got a picture of my face and put a Hitler moustache on it." "And devil horns, which I think shows how confused they are." "I don't hate gay people, Josie." "Do you believe me?" "I believe you don't hate gay people." "I think you just hated that one guy because he had a gay magazine." "I love gay people." "Yeah, but in a Christian way." "Like, I love them, but they're unnatural and they'll burn in hell." "No!" "OK, how about this?" "Have you had an experience?" "Like, you know, with..." "I don't know." "Say, you've been at a party, off the top of my head, you've had too many Archers and lemonades, say, and ended up snogging a girl and sticking your fingers up her... whatsit." "NO!" "Ugh!" "Oh, my God!" "I'm a homophobe." "I wonder if she lost weight for the wedding." "Bloody hell!" "Have you found it?" "Not exactly." "Look at this!" "UH!" "That's JP's dad!" "But that's not..." "Is it?" "Not JP's mum." "Exactly!" "'Angela." "'PS." "Roddy, you mustn't hate them however much you blame them for keeping us apart, there still your children.'" "Shit!" "Some of these are ancient." "God!" "Look at how many letters there are!" "Love rat!" "He was a love rat." "All right." "Take a break, letters page!" "Should we tell him?" "NO!" "We don't even know for sure they were doing it." "OK." "No, they were definitely doing it." "Ugh!" "So the good news is that toothbrush and shower gel indicators suggest that he didn't stay the night." "The bad news is he's back today." "Anything on conversation topics?" "I don't have much but I think there was mention of Jonathan Franzen." "Franzen?" "The writer?" "She's never talked about him before." "Fuck!" "I don't even know her." "This music is making me psychotic." "Can I ask you a question?" "You're, like, liberated, right?" "Oh, well, you think you are, don't you?" "Then you find yourself buying a pair of sweatshop Nikes and a Nazi frappuccino and you think, actually, I'm just a joke, aren't I?" "I mean, no..." "I just mean you've experimented with stuff before." "You want me to get some ketamine?" "No!" "No, I don't." "I just... the only way to sort of prove that I don't hate gay people is to, sort of, become one..." "for a bit." "And, I was thinking, because you've got short hair..." "Yeah?" "Well, we thought you were." "In the beginning." "Josie was convinced." "Thought I was what?" "A... lesbian." "And?" "How do you know I'm not?" "I don't!" "That's what I'm saying." "I just mean, you do shag quite a lot of men." "Not in a bad way." "I just think, technically, lesbians maybe don't do that." "But I was thinking, if you wanted to..." "No!" "No what?" "I know what and the answer's no." "I won't be your fake beard." "Oh!" "Why not?" "You're too straight." "What do you mean, too straight?" "It's your shoulders or something." "Look at them." "No way." "Yes!" "Finally!" "So, all legal avenues have been exhausted." "I spoke to my brother but Mummy's already got to him." "It's two against one." "Well, two and a half if you include Leon." "Bad enough Leon is winning over Mum, there's absolutely no fucking way he's getting his grubby little hands on my father's wine." "It's all got to get drunk, people." "All 147 bottles." "I'm calling it "the clearance"." "Well?" "Maybe one day they'll pick up." "So, no," "I don't think it is futile." "And, yes, maybe I have missed out on a real, live social experience for 48 hours of mental torture, but that is my choice." "And I don't appreciate your negative attitude." "Right then." "Where are we?" "Oral hygiene, which is yellow." "So is Chateauneuf du Pape." "Excellent!" "What about if I shaved my head." "I bet people will believe I'm a lesbian if I shaved my head." "Or a neo-Nazi." "Shit!" "No, or a cancer patient." "They'll feel sorry for you and stop the hate campaign." "Yeah, because faking cancer will really get people on her side." "It's just a suggestion." "Why is there a cupboard in front of the window?" "JP's laying claim to his birth right." "He's pulling a lockdown." "JP, is that right?" "She said something about you barricading us all in the house." "Yes, the bitch is going ahead with the sale." "Give me a hand with this, mate." "Come on!" "Possession is 9/10 of the law, that is a legal fact." "It's not." "That's just what people who don't know anything about the law say." "Whatever!" "This house is my birthright and, whilst I'm in it, there will be no Russian takeover." "Capiche?" "So what happens when he turns up for the viewing?" "Well, we'll just have to make sure this place has got the wow factor." "This shit just got shooty shooty gun gun." "You're going to shoot him?" "You are allowed to defend your property in the country, Knutsford." "Sure, yeah, but you are actually going to shoot him." "They're just here as backup in case your legal argument collapses." "You are either with me or against me, dude." "So, some rich guy wants to give your mum millions of pounds to buy your house and you are going to shoot him?" "Look, I don't know who I'm going to shoot." "You don't know who you're going to shoot until you shoot them." "You're planning to stay here and shoot everyone who comes near the house in case they want to buy it?" "What happens when term starts?" "Are you going to be based here in the killing fields and commute to Manchester?" "Say something to him." "What is there to say?" "He's thought it through." "What the hell is this?" "Have you forgotten about the clearance?" "This wine won't drink itself." "You can't drink 147 bottles of wine by tomorrow." "Oh, we can have a go." "And if we can't drink, we'll taste." "Mm." "Let the freak-out escalate." "What are you doing?" "I'm going to get some dinner." "You're on point, bitch." "He's not coming." "Joost." "Business problem of some kind." "I'm feeling very frustrated." "It's been three months." "And, generally speaking, I'd like to do sex at least two times a month as I believe it's beneficial for the heart and nervous system." "If you like, you could come upstairs to my room and we could have intercourse." "There is an opportunity since Heather's not in and I'm feeling very sexual." "Probably to do with my menstrual cycle." "Usually I would masturbate but I've been feeling a certain energy between us." "I may be wrong but, anyway, I will be in my room." "It's up to you." "Howard, where are you?" "I've got two dead chickens and they've got feathers." "Is that right?" "And what do you do with the feet?" "Do they fold back in?" "Call me back when you get this." "Oh!" "Oh!" "Turn around, turn around." "Harder." "Yes, yes, yes, no." "Ja, ja, ja!" "Jumanji!" "'Hello?" "Is there someone on the line?" "'" "OK, I'd like to propose a toast." "I don't think that's how you make coq au vin." "Do you want to do it?" "Ladies and gentlemen." "Still not interested." "What?" "I'm not getting off with you." "Final answer." "Why are you two talking about getting off with each other?" "No reason." "Come on, toast." "Dad, you may have been a bit of a shit, but you were the most" "loyal, faithful and dedicated dad that any son could hope to have." "I love you, Daddy." "To my dad." "To your dad." "To your dad." "To my dad." "To your dad." "What are you going to do with these photos, anyway?" "Tweet them?" "Pretend I'm your lezzer mate or your girlfriend?" "No." "I've been thinking about it and, anyway, I've decided... you're not my type." "Kingsley." "I think I'd rather do it with someone a bit more girly." "It's happening." "I'd probably rather be with someone like Josie." "Oh, yes." "Can I get a picture, Jose?" "Yeah, babe." "OK, if it kicks off, it's every man for himself." "First come, first served." "You can kiss me if you like." "I don't mind." "If you think it'll make people stop hating you," "I'm definitely drunk enough." "She won't do it, Josie, look at her shoulders." "Shut up about my shoulders." "I'm not afraid to snog Josie." "I just want to make sure that it's the right thing to do." "Yes, of course it's the right thing to do, you know?" "Just relax, do it." "JP, we're not doing this for you." "We are doing this so Oregon can pretend she doesn't hate gay people." "Yeah, well, I literally couldn't give a nun's hymen why you're doing it." "Just do it." "Just so you know, snogging a girl for an audience of men doesn't count." "She's right." "Let's do it in the snug." "What?" "No, no, you can't go in there." "Stop it." "No, where are you going?" "Please, come out." "This is my house." "I forbid you to snog in the snug." "Get out here now." "What's happening?" "Are you doing it?" "Well?" "What happened?" "Did you do it?" "I don't believe you." "Show me the photo." "I don't think so." "What kind of a lesbian kiss is that?" "What do I get out of it?" "Did you like it?" "Yeah, it was quite good actually." "Yeah, I'm a good kisser, I reckon." "You're all right." "Pretty good." "I can't believe you didn't show us." "You are so selfish." "Well, we'll do it again if you kiss Kingsley." "I don't think so." "Come here, big boy." "Why?" "Why do we want them to do it again?" "Are you gay?" "Two girls getting it on." "I mean, if you are gay, fine." "But if you're not gay, you have to kiss me." "No." "If she's diddling Big Dick Mike, you might as well get some action." "No." "Well, I demand that you do it." "It's my house and..." "I've got a gun." "Come on." "Against the wall." "Move." "Hot." "OK, your turn." "I don't really feel like it." "That OK, I don't really fancy it either." "You bitches." "You clever, clever bitches." "That was excellent." "Thank you." "OK, it's my bedtime." "Out you go." "That's... all?" "Come on, Howard." "The fuck buddy doesn't stick around." "Yes?" "Chop, chop." "Yes, right." "Good night." "Where are you going?" "Wales." "Really?" "Again?" "Don't head-butt the driveway." "It's only 200 miles." "And the last time you came up 200 miles short, remember?" "You can't even open the door." "You screwed it all up between me and Dave." "You drive me to Wales." "What?" "Josie." "I want to apologise to Dave on what would have been our wedding day but is now his wedding day to someone else for sleeping with you." "I think it would be a nice wedding present." "What could be better?" "Salad spoons." "Shut up." "You drive me or I drive myself and then I might die and you'll have that on your conscience as well as everything else." "Clear." "See this cupboard?" "Me and my brother used to sit in here." "When we were hiding from Nanny Prue in one of her moods." "Weird." "And look." "See this?" "This..." "This is my crying step." "I used to sit here and cry when the rents were arguing." "Shit." "And this is my other crying step." "I used to sit on this one when I had to go back to Stowe at the end of the holidays." "See, look." "The banister's all chewed." "That's because dad didn't like me crying so I used to bite on it to hold back the blubs." "Is it normal to have two crying steps?" "I didn't even have one." "Are you going in?" "I was going to." "Only, thing is, on the way here" "I remembered about Dave's bad shoulder." "Right." "And how I always used to do him a massage before bed, you know, when it was bad." "Even if I was tired, I always did it." "I didn't want him to be in pain, you see?" "But this one time, I really hurt my neck because" "I was shaving my armpit and you sort of have to, like a sort of..." "Anyway, I asked him to give me a neck massage... once, mind... and he did it for like five seconds and then said his fingers hurt." "Just waiting for a text." "God, Kingsley, stop worrying." "Heather's not interested in Sexy Mike or Mike with the big dick." "She..." "She really likes you." "She actually said that?" "She basically moved in with you after a week." "What more do you want?" "A tattoo of your face on her arse?" "My face on her arse?" "It's double-edged, really, isn't it?" "Home?" "Now?" "Yeah." "Little sleep and then home." "'I just wanted to say sorry about before, the way I left 'and, for the record, in case you didn't know,'" "I really like you." "In fact, I really, really like you." "In fact, I think I probably love you." "Bye, rugby." "I never really got into you." "I played you a lot but I never really knew what was going on." "Is that the last bottle?" "Well, that's it then." "My house is gone." "You still have a house in Manchester." "Plus the villa in Tuscany." "And the apartment in Dubai." "What's going to happen to him?" "I thought, I don't know, I..." "I might be able to take him with me." "My dad." "He really loved me." "I mean, I know he never showed it or said it or even implied it but he really did." "Of course he did." "Come on, let's get you a jumper and we'll get in the car." "Hold on." "Where's my car?"