"♪ Raise the flag of piracy" "♪ sing a song of victory" "♪ For glorious in battle are we" "♪ We've never known defeat we never will retreat" "♪ We live to hear the cannon roar" "♪ And terror is our semaphore" "♪ Notoriously loathsome are we" "♪ We rob the rich, the poor then steal a little more" "♪ Victory, we fight to win" "♪ Victory is ours again" "♪ We are the scourge of the land and sea" "♪ Beastly pirates are we" "♪ Masters of the briny sea" "♪ We'll go down in history" "♪ Courageous men who live by the sword" "♪ We deal in treachery, the kings of lechery" "♪ Raise the anchor, trim the sail" "♪ We raid tonight if winds prevail" "♪ Invincible, we fight to the end" "♪ United to a man, we need no battle plan" "♪ Victory, we fight to win" "♪ Victory is ours again" "♪ We are the scourge of the land and sea" "♪ Beastly pirates are we" "♪ It's so pitiful a sight to see them walk the plank" "♪ They squirm and cry for mercy regardless of their rank" "♪ Victory we fight to win" "♪ Victory is ours again" "♪ For we are the scourge of the land and sea" "♪ Beastly pirates are we" "♪ Victory, we fight to win" "♪ Victory is ours again" "♪ We are the scourge of the land and sea" "♪ Beastly pirates are we" "♪ Victory" "That's how they did it in Hollywood... with stars like Errol Flynn and Douglas Fairbanks." "Join me on the deck of the ship for the second part of the show." "We'll show you how the pirates really did it." "A little sword fight." "Okay, join me up there." "Come along now, over here!" "Introducing pirate gold." "Get your pirate gold." "We're giving them away free." "Lovely ice cream." "And you, sir." "A lovely free sample." "Bless you." "Thank you, my child. 'Bye." "I'm with them." "Turn that thing down, okay?" "Come on, hurry up!" "Ladies, anybody want to learn swordsmanship... from the master of cut and thrust?" "Lunge and parry?" "In and out?" "Yeah!" "She'll do it." "You guys!" "Here you are." "Come on up here." "That's it." "Sorry." "Not bad." "Guess you'll have to do." "What's your name?" "Mabel!" "Okay, Mabel, get the stick up." "Olé." "Here, look." "First... atta girl, put both hands around." "Two hands together." "And it's not olé, it's touché." "Meaning "touch."" "Touch." "Now, less than a hundred years ago... pirates really operated around here, raping and pillaging." "I'd hate to be pillaged." "Killing!" "Note the footwork!" "Feint so, lunge so, and... my point penetrates you." "Give her a hand, girls." "Way to go." "Come on down." " Hey, Myrtle..." " Mabel, okay?" "Mabel, sorry." "I'm taking my boat over to Pirate Rock... to do some skin diving, look for treasure." "Want to come?" "Me?" "You're kidding." "No." "I got a great boat." "Bunks and everything." "Bring some of your friends along." "It'll be great fun." "You, too?" "All of you?" "Hey, stop it!" "Where's Mabel?" "Quickly, let's get moving." "Here she comes." "I thought you wouldn't make it." "Say good-bye, Mabel." "What's going on?" "Stop fooling around." "You can't leave her there!" "Good-bye!" "Go play with your Barbie dolls!" "Hey, wait!" "It's me." "Mabel!" "Wait!" "Hey!" "Hey, you guys, wait!" "Fire!" "Fire!" "Here they come!" "I found your sword." "The last battle of Frederic's youth." "Isn't he wonderful?" "Stand by to repel boarders!" "Captain!" "I told you to order Chinese, but this is ridiculous!" "Happy birthday." "Something special, Frederic." "Look out!" "One moment, lads." "He is their captain." "Spare me!" "An Irish tenor no less." "We could use an Irish tenor, lads!" "Soprano." "Even better." "Set sail!" "♪ Oh, better far to live and die" "♪ Under the brave, black flag I fly" "♪ Than play a hypocritical part" "♪ With a pirate head and a pirate heart" "♪ Away to the world across the seas" "♪ Where pirates all have law degrees" "♪ But I'll be true to the song I sing" "♪ And live and die a Pirate King" "♪ For" "♪ I am a Pirate King" "♪ You are, hurrah for a Pirate King" "♪ And it is, it is a glorious thing" "♪ to be the Pirate King" "♪ I am a Pirate King" "♪ You are, hurrah for a Pirate King" "♪ And it is, it is a glorious thing" "♪ to be the Pirate King" "♪ It is, hurrah for a Pirate King" "♪ hurrah for the Pirate King" "♪ When I venture forth to seek my prey" "♪ I crush my foes in a royal way" "♪ The ladies yield and the ships go down" "♪ Or is it the other way around?" "♪ But many a king in a gilded tower" "♪ If he wants to cling to pomp and power" "♪ Must manage somehow to get through" "♪ More dirty work than ever I do" "♪ For I am a Pirate King" "♪ You are, hurrah for a Pirate King" "♪ And it is, it is a glorious thing" "♪ to be the Pirate King" "♪ I am a Pirate King" "♪ You are, hurrah for a Pirate King" "♪ And it is, it is a glorious thing" "♪ to be the Pirate King" "♪ It is, hurrah for a Pirate King" "♪ I am the Pirate King" "He tore our goddamn sail again!" "Sew that up, love." "Today, Frederic, you join us as a full-fledged member of our band." "Your apprenticeship papers. 21 today." "Speech!" "I'd hoped to spare you this." "Though as friends, I love you all." "But, today..." "Today I leave you forever." "What?" "Why, this is lunacy!" "I cannot forget!" "I cannot forget it was cutthroats such as you... who murdered my family and left me an orphan." "Not fair, Freddy." "We're orphans ourselves." "We would never hurt an orphan." "Yes, I know." "But I fulfilled my contract... and I feel honor-bound to devote myself... heart and soul to your extermination!" "Extermination?" "That sounds a little harsh." "Such is my sense of duty." "If you conscientiously feel that it is your duty to destroy us... we cannot blame you." "It's the way I've raised you." "I've been as low and vicious as I could." "But something inside... tells me there's more to life." "I know it!" "More than piracy?" "Lately, I've been restless." "I've been consumed by some inner fire." "All I think about is girls!" "I've waited 20 years for this." "The sea, Frederic, is a jealous mistress." "But she is her own reward." "Believe me, you've missed nothing." "Have you missed anything these 20 years at sea, men?" " Sex!" " What about love?" "Love for a pirate is the kiss of a salt wind, the curve of a white sail... the whisper of an enemy's well-slit throat." "That's love, Frederic!" "Show him, shipmates!" "Dance!" "Dance!" "I'll miss you." "I'll miss you all very much." "But my mind is made up." "Oh, shit!" "Then so be it." "My mistake." "See you later." "I know you'll think me an old softy." "But in return for all your years of loyal service..." "I make you captain of your own ship." "I shall command her with pride... and someday..." "There's always the someday, Freddy." "Grab him!" "Hang five, honky!" "♪ Climbing over rocky mountain ♪ Skipping rivulet and fountain" "♪ Passing where the willows quiver" "♪ Passing where the willows quiver ♪ By the ever-rolling river" "Mabel!" "Oh, let her be!" "Who needs her?" "She's a disgrace to the noble name of Stanley." "Just look at her." "I wouldn't wear that dress to bed." "I think that's the whole idea." "Wash your mouth out." "What is she looking for?" "Love." "She'll have a long wait." "She's the youngest and by noble custom, the eldest must marry first." " Which makes me first." " Me second." "And me third." "Gee, we'll all be 50." "♪ Let us gaily tread the measure" "♪ Make the most of fleeting leisure" "♪ Worship nature while we can" "♪ Far away from any man" "♪ Far away from any man" "♪ Make the most of fleeting leisure" "♪ Far away from any man" "♪ Climbing over rocky mountain" "Do you believe that song?" "♪ Passing where the willows quiver" "♪ Passing where the willows quiver ♪ By the ever-rolling river" "♪ Swollen with the summer rain ♪ the summer rain" "♪ Let us gaily tread the measure ♪ Make the most of fleeting leisure" "♪ Worship nature while we can" "♪ Let us gaily tread the measure ♪ Make the most of fleeting leisure" "♪ Far away from any man" "♪ Let us gaily tread the measure ♪ Make the most of fleeting leisure" "♪ Far away from any man ♪ From any man" "You always were a careless boy." "Thank you." "By the way, was it a definite no back there?" "I don't want to hurt your feelings... but tell me honestly... compared to other women, are you beautiful?" "I've been told so." "But lately?" "By Samuel." "Of course he was drunk at the time." "Oh, Freddy!" "Come on, girls, come in." "It's lovely and warm." "Hi!" "I'm sorry." "I didn't mean to deflower you!" "Help!" "A pirate!" "Run for your lives!" "Pirate?" "No, I'm not anymore!" "Ladies, I'm not a pirate." "I promise you." "Look, see?" "No tattoos, nothing!" "Girls!" "♪ When will I find love?" "Where will she be?" "♪ And if she's out there will she wait for me?" "♪ How will he know me?" "Will I know him?" "♪ Is there no end to all my questioning?" "♪ Can I believe" "♪ what I am seeing" "♪ what I am feeling?" "♪ Something so rare, watching her there" "♪ She makes my heart stall" "♪ Can I believe what I am feeling?" "♪ My head is reeling" "♪ He just looked my way" "♪ from the start I can say" "♪ I will give him everything" "♪ Strange emotions wash over me" "♪ Like the motion of the deepest sea" "♪ And I feel first love" "♪ You're all I've dreamed of" "♪ Love moves me inside" "♪ like the moon moves the tide" "♪ My first love" "♪ Some kind of miracle brought you here" "♪ Just when I'd given up hoping" "♪ From the moment when you first appeared" "♪ I could feel my whole life" "♪ opening in" "♪ First love" "♪ You're all I've dreamed of" "♪ Love moves me inside" "♪ like the moon moves the tide" "♪ My first love" "♪ My first love" "♪ And I promise to be true to you" "♪ My first love" "Not bad." "Thanks." "Do you live around here?" "I've never lived till now." "The good pirates arrived too late to save my parents, bless their souls." "But my mother hurled me through the flames into the King's arms... and he raised me as his apprentice." "You poor thing." "Pirates!" "Like walking the plank, buried treasure, off with his head, and the Jolly Richard?" "Roger." "Roger, I love it." "No, Frederic, without a "k"." "Mabel, also without a "k"." "We've so much in common!" " Mabel." " Pretty bad, huh?" "No, I love it." "I know this sounds silly... but I think I love you." "I might even want to marry you." "That was a short love scene... but, yes." "Oh, no, we have a dumb custom." "There's got to be a way out." "We've got to see my father." "I haven't had much practice seeing fathers." "He's just like any other ordinary major general." "Major general?" "Oh, no!" "Frederic, trust me." "Wow." "Come here." "I thought the bells came afterwards." "Helmsman, hard of..." "Hard of..." "Reverse!" "Hard of backwards." "No." "Sam, what is that saying?" " Hard of hearing!" " Hard of..." "The pirates have lust in their hearts." "Your sisters are in danger of their virtue, even their lives!" "Come back here, you sex-crazed bilge rats!" "This is mutiny!" "Mabel, don't move!" "A little close to the curb." "This is one time when you're not going to rape... pillage and plunder!" "Really?" "Take it easy, lads." "Don't hurt or maim them." "Oh-ho, Frederic!" "Are your loins so hot you'd have them all and none for us?" "Who dares disturb our dalliance?" " I do!" " What?" "Well, we've saved the best till last." "Keep out of this, Mabel!" "You'll be hung!" "I am, and very well, thank you." "Set Frederic and my sisters free or die!" "Olé!" "Touché!" "Captain!" "Here!" "You see, the blade grows heavy." "She cannot raise it to my heart." "I'm not aiming at your heart." "I'll see you get a thousand lashes!" "Promises, promises." "If you love half as well as you fight..." "No!" "Mabel, tell him!" "What could she say to foil our sport?" "My father..." "Yes?" "Is..." "Yes?" "...a major general." "A major general?" " That'll do it." " Yes, he's a major general!" "Yes, he is a major general." "Yes, yes, I am a major general." " Papa!" " Not now, darling, I'm on!" "♪ I am the very model ♪ of a modern major general" "♪ I've information ♪ vegetable, animal, and mineral" "♪ I know the kings of England ♪ I quote the fights historical" "♪ From Marathon to Waterloo ♪ In order categorical" "♪ I'm very well acquainted with ♪ the matters mathematical" "♪ I understand equations both ♪ for simple and quadratical" "♪ About binomial theorems ♪ I'm teeming with a lot of news" "♪ With many cheerful facts about ♪ the square of the hypotenuse" "Darling, this is my big number." "Now play along with this." "Our lives may depend on it." "♪ I'm very good at integral ♪ and differential calculus" "♪ I know the scientific names ♪ of beings animalculous" "♪ In short, in matters vegetable, ♪ animal, and mineral" "♪ I am the very model of ♪ a modern major general" "♪ In short, in matters vegetable, ♪ animal, and mineral" "♪ he is the very model of ♪ a modern major general" "Verse two." "♪ I comprehend contemporary ♪ culture North American" "♪ I straighten more piratical ♪ erections than Bo Derek can" "♪ I'm into est and all the rest ♪ I've undergone analysis" "♪ I've jogged beyond decrepitude ♪ to permanent paralysis" "♪ My muse is into music, with ♪ my credit I won't trouble you" "♪ From RB to SM, cross ♪ over CW" "♪ To grooving with the Doobies in ♪ my Malibu white-souling tones" "♪ Man, I'm older than the Beatles but ♪ I'm younger than the Rolling Stones" "♪ My military knowledge, for ♪ I'm plucky and adventury," "♪ Embraces MASH and Star Wars and ♪ the 22nd century" "♪ Yes, sir, in matters vegetable, ♪ animal, and mineral" "♪ I am the very model of ♪ a modern major general" "Now that I've introduced myself..." "I'd like some idea of what's going on in my garden!" "Papa, we, I mean, Frederic and I..." "Permit me, sir." "I'll explain in two words." "It's a beach party, and I'm Frankie Avalon." "And I'm Annette Funicello." "Don't listen to them." "They're pirates!" "The famous pirates of Penzance!" "What?" "The pirates of Penzance?" "The rogues who stole my family's fortune on the high seas... a score of years ago?" "Our last score was years ago." "All except this gentleman." "He was a pirate, but he'll now go straight, as my husband." "Hey, you fox!" "I'll be the best man, naturally." "An idea." "Tell me, kind sir... do you know what it is to be... an orphan?" "Oh, shit!" "An orphan?" "And a fine singer, too." "You may go." "You're all free." "Come, lads, we've a ship to float." "Free her keel, and raise that chain doodad." " Anchor." " No, Sam, just disappointment." "Another 20 years at sea will ease this petty melancholy." "For I am the Pirate King And I'll buy this orphan thing" "We'll go away without dismay." "But we'll be returning." " Are you all right?" " Fine." "I don't trust these guys." "Not that fine." "I'd thought I lost you." "I'll light a thousand candles for the luck that kept you safe." "Luck?" "I almost took that twit." "You did well for a woman... but now there's a man's work to be done." "I'll keep watch till the ship is gone." "Woman?" "Papa!" "About this custom." "Yes, what about this custom?" "I'm the eldest at 23." "Thirty-three." "Back to the castle, the lot of you." "The custom is irrelevant." "Youngest or oldest, I cannot allow you to marry this penniless adventurer." "Why not?" "He's a nasty pirate person and besides... he's poor." "They're anchoring outside the cove!" "Common fellow." "But if he wasn't poor?" "Diamonds, rubies, gold coins?" " What a nice boy." " Even if it wasn't his money?" " For your happiness." "Whose money?" " Your money." "The family treasures, stolen by the pirates." "Suppose Frederic recovered them... minus expenses, attorneys' fees, my commission..." "If he fails?" "If he fails, we'll shack up." "We swim out to the ship, board it... get the stolen treasure and swim back." "Easy." "What's the matter?" "I've never seen a woman like that before." "The body is an eight." "The brain is a 10." "So let's go!" "Where is it?" "It's not here." "Well, where is it?" "It fell overboard on some uncharted reef." " But there is a map." " Where?" " The King's got it." " The King's got it." "How do we get it?" "It's tattooed on his back!" "But no one has seen it." "He never takes his shirt off in public." " I'll make him take his shirt off." " How?" "Get something to write on and meet me below." "Olé!" "Sam?" "Reveal yourself!" "Or die!" "Nymph!" "Nymphet." "Nympho." "I was in the neighborhood and saw your light on." "Today, you tried to kill me." "Some people send flowers." "I fancy a chap..." "I try to kill him." "Come on, my little nymphet, you can trust me." "Is that a dagger in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?" "Why don't you... take off your shirt?" "No." "Tell me." "What's the age of consent around here?" "Eighteen." "Good." "I'm old enough." "How about a drink first?" "Let's get sloshed." "Help yourself." "There's some on the windowsill." "Cheers." "Bottoms up." "Ladies' choice." "I like that." "My love, put an old sailor out of his misery." "Let's try taking your shirt off." "How about you first?" "Because I'm shy, and I'm also a feminist." "That means the man goes first." "Wonderful." "Nice to meet a woman who knows her place." "Two hundred and two pushups a day." "I need some fresh air." "No!" "Goose bumps." "I've got goose bumps." "Pushups." "I recommend pushups." "I'll fix the window, then we'll fix your goose bumps, my nympho." "I know all about art." "I just don't know what I like." "This is a very..." "Surely you don't tease?" "There's just one little thing that I forgot to tell you." "Are you ready for this?" "Go for it." "Oh, this is just perfect!" "Those muscles." "I'm gonna faint." "That's so good." "Perfect." "Just a little more to the left." "That's great." "Yeah, I like that." "That's good." "That's very good." "I like that." "Just a little bit to the..." "That's so good!" "I can't stand it anymore." "If you don't stop, I'll die." "More!" "More!" "That's wonderful." "More." "Just a little to the left." "My God." "Don't stop." "This is incredible." "You are really turning me on, I must say." "This is wonderful." "Are you ready yet?" "There's just one more thing." "There is?" "You and your little games." "I love an interesting woman." "Where are you, my little nymphet?" "Be gentle, Mabel." "Mabel, your goose bumps have grown." "So that was sex?" "What's there to get so excited about?" "Where's the map?" "What are those things for?" "I put a hole in the ship, and it's sinking." "They were my friends." "Look out!" "Raiders aboard!" "Help!" "Jump!" "I hope it's not cold!" "Cowards." "I can see you now!" "Stop swimming." "You'll regret this." "The boat is sinking." "Sink!" "Sink!" "♪ Keep pumpin' ♪ Blowin'" "♪ Hey, it's an old wives' story" "♪ Said it's an old wives' tale" "♪ I say that love is glory" "♪ I tell you love's so frail" "♪ Loving needs a bandage" "♪ and intensive care" "♪ And it's a disadvantage" "♪ when you're playin' fair" "♪ If you're treading water ♪ and romance is on the slide" "♪ Don't you know you have to swallow" "♪ something more than water" "♪ It's your pride" "♪ I've huffed and puffed" "♪ Just to keep love going" "♪ I'm done, I've had enough" "♪ Of pumping' and blowin'" "♪" " Keep pumpin' ♪" " Blowin'" "♪" " Keep pumpin' ♪" " Blowin'" "♪ You know a woman's labor" "♪ is never, ever done" "♪ So could you do me a favor" "♪ and, father, tell your son" "♪ If he's treading water ♪ and romance is on the slide" "♪ Don't you know you have to swallow" "♪ something more than water" "♪ It's your pride" "♪ I've huffed and puffed" "♪ Just to keep love going" "♪ I'm done, I've had enough" "♪ Of pumping' and blowin'" "♪ I've huffed and puffed" "♪ Just to keep love going" "♪ I'm done, I've had enough" "♪ Of pumping' and blowin'" "♪ Keep pumpin' ♪ Blowin'" "♪ Keep pumpin' ♪ Blowin'" "Papa, we're home." "Big surprise." "Frederic, over here." "Right on cue." "There's more room over here." "Bring it over here." "Right in the corner." "Yeah." "You're gonna love this, Papa." "Right here, on the floor." "Actually, the table might be better... because when we open it, it'll look really great." "Look, we've restored the family fortune." "All your sentimental treasures, gold bars, Krugerrands." " Break?" " No." "Just a little bent." "Pink ball in the corner pocket." "The pirates are at least 20 minutes behind us." "Plenty of time for your army to ambush them." "Army?" "What army?" "I blew it." "Papa, Frederic will raise an army." "In yonder village, there are yeomen, stout of limb and spirit... dedicated to the rules of law, but... they lack a leader." "Of course, you'll lead them." "What?" "Me?" "No, my dear." "I've had my moments of glory." "Why be selfish?" "My boy, the job is yours." "Rid me of these villains and Mabel's hand is yours... not to mention the best parts." "I'll ride straight away to lead these good men." "I've been at sea since I was one." "How would I know how to ride a horse?" "Well, I gave it my best shot." "Famous last words, Frederic?" "Tailor-made, Frederic." "If it's all the same to you..." "I'd rather be buried at sea." "Ruth." "Plain old Ruth." "Here, Commander." "Come on, Ruth." "Was I that bad to you?" "Able seaperson Frederic, prepare to die." "No." "That was for the life preservers." "You're coming back with us." "No, because I've sworn to vanquish you all!" "Freddy, you'll be the death of me." "Gladly." "My once apprentice." "I taught you all you know." "Don't make me teach you how to die." "Geronimo!" "What's the matter?" "Losing your grip?" "Can't we find somewhere safe to kill each other?" "Careful." "You might cut yourself." "Cheers." " Out of breath?" " Save yours." "It may be your last." "Head of the family." "Get out of this one, Commander." "Hello, sailor." "We must stop meeting like this." "Drop it, or..." " Nuts!" " Them, too." "Why don't you get on with what we came for?" "Heart or throat?" "Heart." "The Force, Frederic." "Remember the Force." " Did I teach you that?" " No, I saw it in a movie." "Listen, you two..." "Oh, men." "Kill him now and you'll never hear his secret." "Secret?" "What secret?" "Very good." "Your deed of apprenticeship." "The fine print." "Your date of birth?" " February 29, 1856." " A leap year." " I don't get it." " You were apprenticed to us..." " Till my 21st year." " No." "Until your 21st birthday." "Leap years are every four years." "Going by birthdays, you're still only five and a quarter." " What?" " I merely make you aware of it." "I leave the rest to your sense of duty." "Yes, duty." "Duty and honor are all I have." "That's the one good thing you taught me." "So whatever it costs me, I will do my duty." "Good lad." "Then I guess I must tell you." "General Stanley, Mabel's father... he's got your treasure hidden here." "And he's raising an army to slaughter you." "Us." "A fight?" "Us?" "Splendid!" "Nobody loves a stoolie." "Love?" "Oh, my God." "Mabel." "Give me an hour to say farewell forever." "An hour?" "When I was your age, I could say farewell three times in an hour." "But not forever." "We're taking the ladies with us." "What?" "Mabel would rather die." "That can be arranged." "We march on the castle tonight!" "They are doomed!" "♪ I know she'll never understand" "♪ I gave my word before we met" "♪ So I just can't go breaking it" "♪ She'll say she thinks I'm out of touch" "♪ I've let my duty, honor bound" "♪ come between the love we've found" "♪ How can I live without her" "♪ when she's all I'm livin' for?" "♪ How can I live without her" "♪ live like I did before?" "♪ Now I can see through her eyes" "♪ how good love can be" "♪ How can I live without her" "♪ when she's gone?" "♪ No matter what the future brings" "♪ I'll hold the memories in my heart" "♪ No matter how long we're apart" "♪ She'll always be the only one" "♪ Her name forever on my lips" "♪ She's slipping through my fingertips" "♪ How can I live without her" "♪ when she's all I'm living for?" "♪ How can I live without her" "♪ live like I did before?" "♪ Now I can see through her eyes" "♪ how good love can be" "♪ How can I live without her?" "♪ How can I live without her?" "♪ How can I live without her ♪ when she's gone?" "♪ When she's gone" "♪ She's all I'm living for" "♪ How can I live like I did before?" "♪ How can I live without her?" "Live without who?" "What are you doing in there?" "Oh, hiding." "Hiding?" "My Frederic, hiding?" "It cannot be the lionheart trembles at the coming conflict." "My love, a wimp." "No, Mabel." "A terrible disclosure's been made." "Then zip it up." "You mean, when I'm 84, you'll still be 21?" "Could be fun." "No, Mabel." "The tragedy completely eludes you, doesn't it?" "Look, don't you see, I won't even be able to marry you until... 1940!" "You're not gay, are you?" "No!" "You and that Pirate King get around... in those feminine pleated shirts and all that leather." "Hey, I'm not prejudiced." "What has this country got a Navy for?" "Screw them if they can't take a joke." "You're weird." "All kidding aside, Fred, tell me this." "Are you a virgin?" " I don't know." " Near enough." " But you'd have me die one?" " No!" "You're putting your sense of duty before me and the lives of my family." "But I have to." "It's my duty, that's all I know." "That's all I know." "Frederic!" "These are the 1880s." "You cannot live by the outmoded class conventions of the neo-imperialist society." " Find your true center." " What?" "You mean Zen piracy?" "Have you ever worn a whalebone corset?" "No, we established that, didn't we?" "It chokes and strangles!" "I won't be choked by someone else's dumb ideas of custom and duty!" "Would you, Harry?" "Never to know the rich and wondrous person beating and throbbing in me!" "Can you see me throbbing?" "I see." "I see, I'm throbbing, too." "Your duty is to us." "Tell him, Harry!" "To our love!" "You know, you're right." "You're right." "Love is everything!" "Love is everything." "Now go massacre those oafs." "I can't." "You say you love me?" "As midnight loves the moon." "But who am I?" "You've only known me for a day or two." "I'm a sailor who spent all his life at sea... and knows nothing, nothing about life... or ladies." "Only love." "And if I should change to keep your love... changing it just might lose it." "Then that's the bottom line?" "To hold you, I have to let you go?" "See you in 1940." "But I'll try for 1939." "♪ Love, show me the way" "♪ when I am lost and hope begins to fade" "♪ Love, timeless and true" "♪ whenever I need strength I look to you" "♪ Tonight" "♪ My faith is strong enough" "♪ to see me through tonight" "♪ He's gotta trust in love" "♪ the way I do" "♪ We gotta hold on tight" "♪ tonight" "♪ Hold on" "♪ Nothing's gonna stop us ♪ if we just believe in love" "♪ Hold on" "♪ There's nothing under heaven ♪ we can't overcome" "♪ Hold on" "♪ Love, I see a way" "♪ How the tide will turn ♪ and the part I'll play" "♪ It's all part of a plan" "♪ You don't have to know or understand" "♪ Tonight" "♪ I'll see it all unfold ♪ before my eyes, tonight" "♪ With fortune on my side" "♪ and love to guide me" "♪ The future is looking bright" "♪ tonight" "♪ Hold on" "♪ Nothing's gonna stop us ♪ if we just believe in love" "♪ Hold on" "♪ There's nothing under heaven ♪ we can't overcome" "♪ Hold on" "♪ And though the road ahead ♪ may be unknown" "♪ We'll make it if we hold on" "Sorry, Meadows." "How the hell are you, Meadows?" "Papa, Frederic has just crossed over to the enemy." "There's barely time for you to go lead our force." "Lead?" "I can't lead." "I'm planning strategy." " Papa." " Just a snort or two for courage." "Courage?" "Well, I'm a theoretical soldier." "The very model of a modern major..." "I am the very, very..." "Won't go off." "It's not loaded." "But you are." "Papa, I'm gonna lead our fearsome force against the foe." " How much to keep this quiet?" " Now, listen, young lady..." "No, I'll tell you." "If we win, a full pardon for Frederic." "That's blackmail." "A full pardon." "Damn cheek!" "With women leading armies, we'll never have another decent war again." "So true." "So true." "♪ When the foeman bares his steel" "♪ We uncomfortable feel" "♪ And we find the wisest thing" "♪ Is to slap our chests and sing" "♪ For when threatened by the brutes" "♪ And your heart is in your boots" "♪ There is nothing brings it round ♪ Like the trumpet's martial sound" "♪ Like the trumpet's martial sound" "♪ Tarantara!" "Tarantara!" "Sergeant, approach!" "Pirates at large!" "Pirates?" "This is a day for death or glory." "That is not a pleasant way of putting it." "Take heart!" "Frederic should've led you, but I shall!" "Not bleeding likely." "You're a girl." "Now, nick off." "Yes, nick off!" "We'll see what your inspector thinks of this!" "One moment." "I must take some notes." "My notebook." "Name of the fugitive?" " "Ferzjeteef"?" " Fugitive." "F-U..." "Up yours, too, froggy." "Oh, fugitive." " Name?" " Frederic." "Strange name for a girl." "My name is Stanley." " Still a strange name for a girl." " Mabel Stanley." "Tell me, Mabel... about these pirates." "Parrots?" "The pirates." "They're on their way to the castle, led by the Pirate King." "This Pirate King, does he have a horse?" "A nurse?" "Yeah, Ruth." "I don't want to know its name." "How fast does it run?" "You want to know how fast a nurse runs?" "An horse." "What do you think this is, a parrot?" " Parrot?" " A parrot!" ""Polly wants a cracker!" Stupid girl." "These other pirates, their names." "Long John Silver, with the wooden leg." "He wears a parrot on his shoulder." "Then there's Ruth, she's a horse, I mean, a nurse." "Why don't you just follow me to the fort?" "Fort?" "Pick up those hoofprints as evidence." "Back to the castle!" "These pirates won't know what hit them!" "We'll put an end to their reign of terror, butchery, arson, and rape!" "Not to mention robbery, flogging, kidnapping, and cop killing!" "♪ Though to us it's evident" "♪ These intentions are well meant" "♪ Such expressions don't appear" "♪ Calculated men to cheer" "♪ Who are going to meet their fate" "♪ In a highly nervous state" "♪ Still to us it's evident ♪ These intentions are well meant" "♪ These intentions are well meant" "♪ Tarantara!" "Tarantara!" "Lads!" "♪ We are the pirates" "♪ We are the pirates" "♪ Out upon the ocean waves" "♪ we instill fear and loathing" "♪ Loathing, we are very, very loathed" "♪ Marauders with shiny swords" "♪ and very fancy clothing" "♪ Clothing, we are very well clothed" "♪ Global supremacy is what we gun for" "♪ We raise our flag ♪ and watch the cowards run" "♪ We are the pirates" "♪ Rulers of the high seas" "♪ We can be irate ♪ Sometimes very nasty" "♪ We wheel, we deal ♪ We steal their thunder" "♪ We shoot, we loot ♪ We put 'em under" "♪ We are the pirates" "♪ Shoot, loot, plunder" "♪ We can be irate ♪ shoot, loot asunder" "♪ The pirates, we're the pirates" "Put your backs to it, lads." "One..." "No, let's try the pyramid." "♪ Nothing we like better ♪ Than a dreadful brawl" "♪ Locked in battle ♪ See our victims fall" "♪ Oh, we are the pirates" "♪ Batten down the hatches" "♪ We can be irate" "♪ Aye, eye patches" "♪ The pirates" "♪ The pirates" "♪ We are the pirates" "Now I suppose we have to take the other one back." "Oh, shit!" "Two, three!" "Avon calling." "♪ With cat-like tread ♪ Upon our prey we steal" "♪ In silence dread ♪ Our cautious way we feel" "♪ No sound at all!" "♪ We never speak a word" "♪ A fly's foot-fall ♪ Would be distinctly heard" "♪ Tarantara, tarantara" "♪ So stealthily the pirate creeps ♪ While all the household soundly sleeps" "♪ Come, friends who plough the sea" "♪ Steady navigation, shirking devastation" "♪ Let's vary piracy" "♪ With a little lechery!" "♪ Come, friends who plough the sea" "♪ Steady navigation, shirking devastation" "♪ Let's vary piracy" "♪ With a little lechery!" "Mabel!" "Oh, I missed you!" "That's nice." "How have you been, Fred?" "How have I been?" "Come out and let me hold you." "At least a kiss." "What is this?" "We're enemies now." "I thought you'd remember." " You don't think I want it this way?" " It's up to you." "Okay." "If that's the way you want it." "Good-bye, Mabe." "Good-bye." "Damn you!" "I love you." "I'll always love you, come what may." "We'll all be murdered in our beds, "come what may."" "Well, run, for God's sake." "Run." "Death before dishonor!" "Besides, running in one of these things is a real bitch." "Frederic!" "Duty calls." "Enemies?" "Enemies." "Frederic!" "Good-bye." "Coming!" "♪ Come, friends who plough the sea" "♪ Steady navigation, shirking devastation" "♪ Let's vary piracy" "♪ With a little lechery" "Seize him!" "Not him, you idiots!" "Him!" "Come, lads, the ladies are waiting." "Get off!" "Frederic, help us!" "Frederic, please." "Will no one save us?" "Good evening, all." "Hello, hello..." "Hello." "What's going on here, then?" ""It is my duty to warn you that anything you say may be taken down..."" "Nick off!" "Come on!" "Come on, girls, hurry." "This way." "Hurry!" " Mabel, hide!" " No, you look after them." "Mabel, no!" "It's suicide!" "Sam, stop fooling around." "Get off me." "Help!" "Watch out, John!" "Look out, John!" "I want it ended right now, John." ""You have the right to remain silent..."" "Oh, no, not a pie fight." "Not anchovy!" "Pizza." "You got all the anchovies." "♪ Can I believe what I am seeing" "♪ What I am feeling" "♪ Something so rare ♪ Watching her there" "♪ She makes my heart stall" "War is hell." "Charge!" "Get out of my gymnasium, all of you!" "Charge!" "What's going on here?" "You there, knock it off!" " No, put him down." " I'll deal with this." "Enough!" "Enough!" "We are all orphans." "No more Mr. Nice Guy." "You have taken advantage of my better nature... my compassion for humanity... my gentle kindness to all creatures great and small." "Rip their lungs out!" "Feed them to the sharks, beginning with her!" "Wait a minute!" "This is my dream." "I want a happy ending." "I want a happy ending!" "A happy ending?" " A full pardon for Frederic." " No." "He's done nothing to be pardoned for." "At every turn of fate and fortune, he has simply done his duty." "Kneel, Frederic." "Arise, Sir Frederic." "I reward you with the fairest prize at my command." "That is, if she's still at my command." "My youngest daughter, Mabel." "The custom!" "You've got to do something, I can't get married till they are!" "We are helpless." "It's your dream." "I found your glasses." "You and you." "And, you and you." "And you and you." "And you, and up there, you." "You and you." "And you and you." "You're a problem." "That was no dream I had last night." "I loved a woman." "I want that woman for my wife." "I accept." "But that was you last..." "In that case, lads..." "I accept." "But I thought you..." "You and he..." "I don't get it." "You will." "♪ No more sad times" "♪ mad, or bad times" "♪ No more minor keys" "♪ Life's for living" "♪ sharing, giving" "♪ Life's for you and me" "♪ When the going's rough ♪ and you've had enough" "♪ Leave your troubles and your woe" "♪ Turn the other cheek and forget your grief" "♪ Make a friend out of your foe" "♪ Give me a happy ending" "♪ every time" "♪ We'll kiss and make up" "♪ That's a very peaceful sign" "♪ Give me a happy ending" "♪ every time" "♪ Don't be unhappy" "♪ everything will work out fine" "♪ No more fighting" "♪ scratching, biting" "♪ No more police and thieves" "♪ All is sweetness" "♪ light, and neatness" "Yes, sir." "No, thanks." "Please." "♪ When you've had ♪ your fill of life's ugly pills" "♪ The sadness and the pain" "♪ Take the box of pills and attendant ills" "♪ Flush them down the drain" "♪ Give me a happy ending" "♪ every time" "♪ We'll kiss and make up" "♪ That's a very peaceful sign" "♪ Give me a happy ending" "♪ every time" "♪ Don't be unhappy" "♪ everything will work out fine" "♪ Everything will work out fine" "♪ Give me a happy ending" "♪ every time" "♪ We'll kiss and make up" "♪ That's a very peaceful sign" "Your name wouldn't by any chance be Frederic, would it?" "No." "I don't suppose you came looking for me out of a sense of duty?" "Not exactly." "214, take one!" "Someone better take my gum." "I just want to say that it's not all sunglasses and autographs."