"Five continents." "12 countries." "19 cities." "50,000 miles." "Five characters." "One dead terrorist." "We're all over the map." "Subtitle by JustCosmin" "Hey, guys." "I just completed the longest and biggest tour I've ever been on, and I couldn't have done it without my wife Audrey, who's travelled everywhere, or without my friend Jeff Rothpan, who's never traveled further than his own mailbox." "Was I little concerned about doing shows in the Far East, and Africa, and the Middle East?" "No, I was a lot concerned." "But the adventures all began in Iceland." "Walt, I'm just impressed that all these folks came out for our show tonight?" "Well, don't be?" "Why?" "Well, it's Iceland." "It's not you or us." "There's nothing else to do here." "[laughter]" "You know that Iceland has one of the highest life expectancies in the entire world?" "I did not know that." "Especially women." "Yeah?" "Yeah, here a woman's average lifespan and is 90 to 100 years." "Send my wife home immediately." "What is this?" "Hell on earth?" "How do you like the food here?" "Oh, very funny." "I tried some of that-- what do you called that?" "Hakharl hacaral hakaral." "You cannot speak Icelandic without moving your lips," "I'm telling you." "Think of that." "There's no Icelandic ventriloquist ever." "I will say, though, I think the folks of Iceland are geniuses." "How's that?" "They know how to keep it from getting overcrowded with foreigners." "How's that?" "Simply by naming the place Iceland." "It sounds like you'll freeze your ass off." "Plus it's easier to say than the dark long winter land where the weather is [beep]." "We're morons for naming our country the United States." "Sounds way too welcoming." "We should've called our country crazy assholes with guns." "[laughter] [applause]" "Did you get a chance to go to a volcano?" "Oh, yes I did." "Did you take your wife?" "Yes, I did." "What'd she think?" "She kept saying the same thing over and over." "What?" "Stop trying to push me in." "Did you know that every single city in Iceland is named after the sound a cat makes when throwing up a hair ball?" "[laughter]" "I learned that." "That's not true." "Oh?" "Reygoovableh." "[laughter]" "There it is." "Even though it's named Iceland, did you know the winters here are actually fairly mild?" "No." "Mm-hm." "Oh." "Guess they should have called it Chile." "[laughter]" "Have you seen the colors of the Icelandic flag?" "Uh, no, I haven't seen it." "There's red for the volcanic fires." "Oh, that's good." "Blue for the mountains in the distance." "Yeah." "And white" "For the people." "[laughter]" "OK, did you know they have the oldest tree in Norway right here in Bergen." "Fascinating." "If I want to see them old wood, I'll take a Viagra." "[laughter]" "Thank you." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Did you know the first ever ski jumper was from Norway?" "Let me guess, married and miserable?" "So you've never been snow skiing?" "Actually, yes, once." "Broke a leg." "Oh, I bet that hurt." "I don't know." "Wasn't my leg." "Do you know where I can buy some whiskey around here?" "Well, in Norway you can only buy liquor from special stores called, uh, good god." "[laughter]" "Vin-- how do you say it?" "Yeah, that." "There are none-- nur none hur dun nur dun." "So we've done a lot of interesting things while in Norway." "This morning I milked a goat." "Oh?" "Achmed got mad at me." "I think I was touching his chick." "So while we're here." "Wait, I want to ask you something." "Can we go to Ikea?" "This is Norway." "Ikea is in Sweden." "Oh, too bad." "I wanted to give Ikea a new advertising slogan." "And what's that?" "I-keel-you." "[laughter]" "So Achmed, did you know the biathlon is popular here?" "What is this biathlon?" "It's where you ski and shoot a gun." "Oh!" "Yes, of course." "But in Los Angeles, you drive and shoot a gun." "I also learned today that the Vikings put their dead on a boat and sent them out to sea." "Yes, of course." "The first Norwegian Cruise Line." "[laughter]" "So have you learned much about Ireland since we got here?" "I'd say Americans and the Irish pretty much think alike." "How's that?" "Most of us think our government should take flying [beep] leap." "[laughter] [applause]" "Well, besides politics, did you know that Bram Stoker who created Dracula is from Dublin?" "Oh really?" "No, Dracula." "Dracula?" "You mean the guy who sleeps all day, goes out every night, and can't stop drinking?" "[laughter] [applause]" "Wonder where Stoker got that idea?" "I once picked up an Irish hitchhiker." "You did?" "Yeah." "Where was he going?" "Rehab." "[laughter] [applause]" "Seems like he was Irish." "[gibberish] [laughter]" "[gibberish]" "You're not saying anything." "No, but they can understand me." "[laughter] [applause]" "So what do you think about Dublin so far?" "Oh, duh, dur, uh, this is the land of beer." "That's right." "I know we're going to Israel soon, but while we've been here in Dublin," "I've seen pubs everywhere, so I'm pretty sure this is the Holy Land." "[laughter] [applause]" "And this is the biggest alcoholics anonymous meeting" "I've ever been to." "I have a joke." "All right." "What do you call women in Ireland?" "I don't know." "What do you call women in Ireland?" "You call them women, you chauvinist bastard." "We landed in Belfast the other day, and I'm like what?" "Belfast?" "Am I here for a job interview." "[laughter] [applause]" "I love Dublin." "I would never do anything evil to Dublin." "Really?" "I'm afraid of the soccer fans." "[laughter]" "But have you looked at this audience?" "Yes." "Closely." "When the lights are out?" "Yes." "I am made entirely out of bone and teeth, and my color actually blends in." "[laughter] [applause]" "All right, Achmed, look, as everybody was coming tonight, they were given an opportunity or two to ask you a question." "Yes." "And everybody wrote them down, and before the show we grabbed a handful, and I think you should answer them?" "Okie dokie." "Dear Achmed, does Guinness go right through you?" "[laughter]" "You asshole!" "Yes!" "And so does potatoes-- [laughter]" "Corned beef and [bleep] sunlight." "Isn't England where Mary Poppins is from." "It took place in London." "Oh yeah, OK." "Yeah." "You know, I dated her for a while." "You dated Mary Poppins?" "Yes, I did." "No." "Yeah, I did." "We were very young." "Oh really?" "I was the first guy to get into her chim chim cher-ee." "[laughter]" "Kinda ruined things when in the moment of passion she started screaming some weird word." "It was like super California refrigerator x the delicious lotion." "Something like that." "Uh, I love this country because just about everything is double entendre." "Like what?" "Oh, come on." "Even the food." "Bangers and mash?" "Come on!" "That's sausages and potatoes." "It sounds more like a male dance team." "Or two guys dating." "I don't want to be mash, all right?" "Did you know that the very first x-ray was take right here in Birmingham, England in 1896?" "Ha!" "You call it an x-ray, I call it a selfie." "So what did you do today?" "I saw where they keep all those useless wax figures." "Ah, Madame Tussauds Wax Museum." "No, no, no." "Parliament." "[laughter] [applause]" "With that in mind, have you learned anything since we've been here?" "Uh, I've learned that the folks in Birmingham like to be called Birmies." "Right." "So I took that knowledge forward." "Unfortunately, the folks in Scotland do not like to be called Scummies." "Oh, they got all pissed off." "I don't know what the hell they were saying." "You ever try to talk to an angry Scot?" "Good god." "[angry gibberish]" "The [bleep] are you saying?" ", so what do you think of Liverpool so far?" "Having a good time." "Yeah, lots of Beatles stuff." "Well, this is the original home of the Beatles." "Yeah, do Paul and Ringo ever get back here, or are they still trying to avoid running into Pete Best?" "[laughter]" "For those who might be watching and not be familiar," "Pete Best was the original drummer for The Beatles before" "Before they dumped his ass and got Ring." "That's right." "That had to suck." "You think he's over it by now?" "I don't know." "You know they named a street after Pete Best." "Oh, well, yes, great." "[laughter]" "That's got to make up for the millions of dollars and pounds, don't you think?" "What the hell's the name of the street?" "You got screwed boulevard?" "Did you know that it was in Liverpool that scientists first discovered that malaria was spread by mosquitoes?" "That's just fascinating, Jeff." "Let's put that on the welcome signs." "[laughter]" "That'll bring in the tourists." "Come to Liverpool!" "We have Beatles and mosquitoes!" "And one of them carries a deadly disease!" "Find out which one!" "Ringo?" "I know a little fact." "Did you know that people in Scotland by 40 bottles of whiskey every second?" "This is my favorite country ever." "Do they NASCAR in the uck?" "In the what?" "In the uck?" "The-- oh, UK." "Oh, you can spell." "But Glasgow is, uh-- you told me it was confusing for you?" "Yeah, it is." "Why?" "Yesterday at lunch my waitress asked me if I wanted some tatties and neeps." "[laughter]" "When I said yes, instead of taking off her top, she brought me food." "[laughter] [applause]" "It was the worst strip club I'd ever been to." "Tatties and neeps are served with haggis." "Well, he didn't show me that either." "We've been talking about Scotland a bit." "Oh yes?" "I read the other day that Scotland is actually the" " I've saved this fact for you-- the murder capital of Europe." "[gasp]" "I didn't do it!" "I have nothing to do with this shit!" "Did you know that bagpipes have existed in Scotland since the 14th century?" "Oh!" "That is probably about the time the murder rate went up." "[bagpipe noises]" "Did you know that I think my mother was part Scottish?" "Yeah?" "Why do you say that?" "Sometimes she'd want to put me in Scottish clothing?" "Really?" "Sure, she'd say I kilt you." "[laughter]" "Kilt?" "Kilt?" "Get it?" "Kilt?" "I kilt you." "[applause]" "By the time I was done, I was 104 degrees out, and I was sweating like a pig." "And-- what happened?" "What?" "Wait a minute-- oh I can't say pig?" "What?" "I don't what to say." "I don't-- forget it." "Just" " I don't know anything." "What the [bleep] are they talking about?" "Don't say pig?" "Is that it?" "OK, I was sweating like a goat." "[laughter]" "All right." "Holy crap." "You're not gonna, erm" "What are you trying to say?" "You're not-- [mumbling]." "No Achmed." "No Achmed." "[laughter] [applause]" "Can you not [bleep] see out there?" "I will talk to Achmed about this later." "No, no, no." "Can I, uh, get in the box and get the [bleep] out first?" "[laughter] [applause]" "It's not a good idea." "We're not in Israel." "I know." "But have you been enjoying the sights around town?" "Oh, yeah sure." "Amazing." "Gorgeous buildings." "Gorgeous buildings." "Yeah." "Amazing structures." "Fantastic hotels." "Been looking forward to this a lot, and here we are in a tent." "Yeah, they know how to treat the infidels, don't they?" "[laughter] [applause]" "A frickin tent." "It's a nice" "Yeah, a nice tent." "Yay." "It's a frickin circus tent." "[laughter]" "All we're missing is the [bleep] music." "Here's Jeff and Walter." "[laughter]" "This sucks." "It's a fine facility." "OK, all right." "Yeah, yeah." "I guess we're actually safe though." "How's that?" "What moron would bomb a tent?" "What do you do?" "What do you-- cause $20 worth of damage?" "I don't know who owns this, but if it's one guy, he might be here tonight." "Oh good, he's gonna go home to his palace, and here we are in [bleep] tent." "All right!" "So Bubba J, do you know where we are exactly?" "Oh, no." "Sure don't." "No I don't." "Abu Dhabi." "What?" "Abu Dhabi." "You're drunk." "[laughter] [applause]" "Really?" "Yeah." "Say that again." "Abu Dhabi." "I thought that's what Fred Flintstone says when he's excited." "[laughter]" "No, that's yabba dabba do." "It's pretty close." "Abu Dhabi do!" "[laughter]" "Wait, wait!" "Come back!" "Come back!" "Come back!" "Come back!" "You're the one of the guys I really want to love me." "Is it the red cape?" "Something wrong with that?" "Did I say ham?" "[laughter]" "Oh my god, your name is offensive!" "Dun-ham!" "[laughter] [applause]" "Is he coming back?" "Did he have to go potty?" "Do you pick it up or pull it down?" "[laughter] [applause]" "Or is there a little flap?" "Good evening, Abu Dhabi infi" " I mean, folks." "[laughter]" "Silence, I kill you!" "[laughter] [applause]" "What the hell?" "What" " I threaten to kill them, they all go yay." "I think some of them actually like you here." "Really?" "[applause]" "You know, since being here, I've been starting to rethink the whole suicide bomber thing." "How's that?" "I blew myself to get a new place and a few versions, meanwhile eight guys in the front row here have five matches each, a bunch of hot wives, and their own skin." "I had no idea these options were available." "JEFF DUNHAM:" "I love you guys." "Good night." "Welcome to Israel!" "[shouts] [applause]" "Where the hell are we?" "[laughter] [applause]" "I forgot, yeah, we're here." "OK, well, uh, uh, um, shalom." "[applause]" "I'm surprised at how many them in here have facial hair." "JEFF DUNHAM:" "Well, that's true." "Yeah, we went to the market today, and it took me 10 minutes to pick my wife out of the crowd." "[laughter] [applause]" "So Achmed, we've been going all over the place." "We have." "You know where we are?" "Well, we have going so many places I have lost track." "And, uh, we-- uh." "What's with all the Jews?" "We're in Israel." "That's so funny." "Yeah, OK." "Israel." "Yeah, that's really funny." "We're in-- what?" "We're in Tel Aviv." "[whimper]" "As in Israeli Army?" "[laughter]" "Holy crap." "Well, I'm already dead." "What the hell?" "[applause]" "Achmed, trust me." "You'll be fine." "We're guests." "So they are friendly Jews?" "Absolutely." "Do they bite?" "[laughter]" "Can I play with one?" "[laughter]" "I actually studied about Israel before we got here." "Really?" "Yes." "This is where the letter [guttural noise] comes from." "[laughter] [applause]" "A-C-phlegm." "You guys know this stuff." "[applause]" "Why do these folks cheer for me?" "Oh, I get it." "You like nothing better than a dead terrorist." "[applause]" "I heard folks say that Jews run the banks." "Well, I say good." "The Palestinians only have the West Bank, and that hasn't gone so well." "[applause]" "Dear Achmed, can you whistle the Hava Nagila?" "[laughter] [whistles hava nagila] [applause]" "[continues hava nagila]" "You guys are awesome!" "Thanks for coming out!" "[applause]" "What do you think of South Africa so far?" "Honestly?" "Yeah." "Not what I thought it would be." "How's that?" "Look out there." "We're in Africa, right?" "Lot of white folks out there." "[laughter] [applause]" "It is South Africa." "OK." "Thus the continent of Africa." "Well this is not what I remember from the Tarzan movies." "What is your first name?" "David?" "And guys named David and Warren." "I don't think those are African names." "[laughter]" "I was expecting like [click click whistle]." "[laughter]" "You know, Bubba J, Joburg is a lively city." "Oh yeah, unless you get shot." "Did you know that South Africa has the largest brewery in the world?" "[gasp] [applause]" "The largest brewery?" "I'm going to write a letter." "My dearest wife, for reasons you will of course understand," "I am never coming home." "[laughter] [applause]" "So after you become a citizen of the South Africa, how long does it take for your skin to turn black?" "[laughter]" "These guys early on too, I think." "[applause]" "All right, you guys have just been great." "What a crowd." "Thank you so much." "All right, let's turn up the lights real quick." "Can we do the house lights?" "Let's do this real quick?" "Let's see what this is gonna look like?" "Oh yeah, this'll be great." "Hold on, let me get Achmed." "Hold on a second." "Can you do it sideways?" "Is that good?" "This way." "You dumbass idiot, Jeff." "Have you seen the size of the bugs in this country?" "[laughter]" "Yeah, there's some big ones." "There was a beetle in our hotel room, and my wife wanted me to step on it?" "What did you do?" "Nothing." "The damn thing grabbed my wife's poodle and flew out the window." "[laughter]" "I love this country." "So what are the differences you've found between Australia and the United States?" "Well, I think down here my marriage goes down the toilet in the other direction." "Just guessing." "Dear Achmed, my dream was to see you and Jeff." "I've been waiting for seven long years, so because I've been waiting so long, could I please have a picture with both of you." "Thanks, Joann." "Joann, where are you?" "Right there?" "Hehe, no." "[laughter]" "Come on, that's fine." "Come up here." "OK, where's your camera?" "Um, my friend has it." "Well, that doesn't [bleep] help." "[laughter]" "OK, well take a picture of the screen." "[laughter]" "Smile." "Stop looking at me and rubbing your tits on my back." "[laughter] [applause]" "Because it's not my back." "It's his hand." "[laughter]" "Thank you." "Actually do it again." "No!" "[laughter]" "I got your back." "And her front." "I got it." "All right Terribly sorry." "Your wife is backstage." "[laughter]" "I know." "[laughter]" "He took a feel with his knuckles." "No, I didn't!" "Fun coming up here, isn't it?" "[laughter]" "You can get closer." "Just stand right next to Achmed." "And don't rub your hooters." "Do not rub your hooters on my scapula." "[laughter]" "[applause]" "I took a peak." "I know." "I see for you." "Stop it." "OK, ready?" "We'll smile, whoever is taking the picture." "So Walter, what do you think of Singapore so far?" "Uh, it's pretty crowded here." "Oh yeah, that's true." "It's actually the second most densely populated country in the world." "Oh." "Well, don't flatter yourself." "All these folks aren't here to see you." "There was just no room for them outside." "What do you like about Singapore so far?" "Well, they have some tough laws." "Oh, you heard about that?" "Oh, yeah." "Yeah." "Did you know you can get fined or caned for not flushing a toilet after using it?" "[laughter]" "And who the hell checks up on that?" "[laughter]" "What, do you got the [bleep] police?" "[laughter]" "It's the SSP, the Singapore [bleep] police." "[laughter] [applause]" "I am not kidding." "How the hell do they know?" "[sniff sniff]" "Ah, that guy." "[laughter]" "Is it a random check?" "Or do they patrol the potties?" "[bleep] duty." "Fred, you investigating that murder today?" "No, I have a tip that we have a serial non-flusher." "[laughter]" "I hear you say earlier that in Singapore if you break certain laws they beat you with a stick." "Well, maybe while they're here, Jose could pick up a little extra work." "[laughter]" "So this has been a fun tour around the-- where everywhere-- everywhere we went." "I love Singapore." "It's my favorite European city." "[laughter]" "Did you know they have save water campaign here in Singapore?" "Oh, well I know." "So today I drink 18 beers instead." "[laughter]" "You're welcome." "So what's different here than where we live?" "Well, I think religiously there a lot more Buddhists here." "Buddhists?" "They all wear boots?" "So what do they do?" "Well, for one they believe in reincarnation." "Re-incarceration?" "[laughter]" "You get out and suddenly you're right back in." "[laughter]" "No, reincarnation." "That you can have entire past lives you don't even remember." "That happened to me yesterday." "[laughter]" "We had a great show in Singapore, we're packing up, and Marnel, my tour manager comes in to deliver some news." "And he's sweating." "Hey, what's up?" "Come in." "I've got some information on Malaysia." "They're reviewing several options, and option A is not going to be" "Option A meaning I can't use Achmed." "It hasn't been defined by the cultural-- what is it?" "Cultural sensitivity." "Hold it." "You're saying that these guys-- who are these guys?" "It's actually one of their religious leaders that they had to fly to another city to meet with them." "I'm telling you I am the lamb going to slaughter." "So they'll start booing, and they're not going to be booing me." "They're going to be booing the fact that this is happening." "They're probably aware a lot of this stuff." "They're probably used to restrictions." "No, they're not." "They're probably used to living with [inaudible]." "We are promoting the show with Achmed on the poster." "Well, the main concern of the Malaysian government is that an artist is suitable for the Malaysian culture." "Achmed is a little bit sensitive to the Malaysian public." "We need to be careful about what we put on stage." "The final ruling is that Achmed the dead terrorist is not allowed on stage." "After we booked this show, we were contacted by the Malaysian ministry of arts, and history, and culture." "And they asked me very nicely and sternly to not bring a certain character to the show tonight." "[booing]" "They even said please do not even mention his name, but I know that people are here because you've seen stuff on YouTube and you're expecting to see a certain someone." "[applause]" "However, I want to respect the request because I am a guest here, but at the same time you paid your money to see what you thought you were going to see." "That certain person is not here." "However, his brother-- [applause]" "is here." "He is from France." "[laughter]" "Please help me welcome Jacques, the French terrorist." "[applause]" "Bonjour American pig." "[laughter]" "So you are French?" "Oui, oui." "C'est Francais." "Uh-huh." "And your name is Jacques?" "Oui." "Je m'appelle Jacques." "[laughter]" "And what is your last name?" "[bleep] [laughter]" "What are they laughing at?" "My name is Jacques [bleep]." "[laughter] [applause]" "I do not understand what they are laughing at." "[laughter]" "I think [bleep] is translated into, uh" "I am Jacques [bleep]." "[laughter]" "Well, despite your name, you seem like a nice guy." "You don't know Jacques [bleep]." "Wait, that is not funny!" "[laughter]" "They're laughing." "I kill you!" "[applause]" "So you're happy to be here?" "No." "Why is that?" "Where are we exactly?" "Do not spit on my face, you ugly American." "Where are we exactly?" "Kuala Lumpur." "Oh, oui." "Kuala Lumpur." "Malaysia." "The weather here is [bleep]." "[laughter] [applause]" "Where I am from the weather is up." "Morning is up." "Afternoon and evening is up." "I don't think the weather in France is always hot." "Eh, eh, eh, eh." "Do not question, Jacques." "It's not always hot in France?" "No." "[bleep] OK." "[laughter] [applause]" "Let's just say for the sake of the joke," "Francais is always hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, like a desert up." "[laughter]" "Yes, you didn't know that before?" "There are pyramids, sand." "[laughter]" "Let me get something straight." "You're the brother of the other guy who was supposed to be here." "Do not say his name, or we are both in giant trouble." "[laughter]" "Those guys are here." "Dear Achmed, what is your favorite Malaysian food?" "[audience gasps]" "It has been nice knowing you." "[applause]" "Kumbaya-- [laughter]" "Dear terrorist" "That's not what you said the first time." "[laughter]" "When the show is done, run." "[laughter] [applause]" "Someone named Spring." "Dear terrorist, if you were given the chance again to be human, would you?" "[gasp]" "I am not human?" "Not anymore." "No?" "Do you know what that makes you?" "A politician?" "[laughter] [applause]" "But the ministry is a lovely group of people." "[laughter]" "You guys have been just awesome." "Thanks KL." "We'll see you." "Good night!" "So we've been all over the globe and I wanted to end this special in the place that's most important to me." "How could we not?" "It's not a fancy stage." "In fact, a lot of the audience is sitting in the mud." "It's bee raining." "They're sitting in the grass." "But here we are in the land of the free and the home of the brave." "Here we are at Joint Base Pearl Harbor-Hickam." "Subtitle by JustCosmin"