"I'm practicing my clarinet..." "Oh, it's you." "What do you want, nutbag?" "Et... what's goin' on in there?" "Wouldn't you like to know." "Hey, I've been thinking." "We should have some big brother/little brother time." "We could go to the mall." "I don't think so." "We could go bowling." "They got the rockin' ball with the black lights." "It'll make our shirts glow." "No, I'm, uh..." "Kinda busy." "Well, then, could I just have a ride to the movie theater?" "Or anywhere..." "Really?" "Get a ride to your balls." "That sounds live." "You guys going to the mall?" "How can I eat breakfast with that in my house?" "Shh." "He was up all night playing video games." "Look!" "He's dreaming about running." "He's probably running from a job application." "Good morning, Josh." "Have you finished winning world war ii?" "Still working on it, mom." "As long as you keep killing those Japanese," "I'm proud of you." "Where are the cinnamon rolls?" "Oh, Josh said they're too full of trans fats and he won't let me buy them anymore." "Yeah." "You guys ate really unhealthy before I got back." "I'm amazed you're still alive." "But there were eight left yesterday." "I took a bullet for you guys, and I ate those." "The sixth one made me throw up, but I'm no quitter." " Thanks!" " You're my hero." "Guys, I know that me coming back and living here has caused some tension in this family." "You think so?" "Maybe that's a good thing, though, right?" "That's how diamonds are made..." "tension." " That's pressure." " Something's made by tension." "Maybe it's headaches?" " Could be ulcers." " There's no wrong answers here." "The important thing is that this tension has showed that this family has some serious problems." "The only problem is that you lost all of my money." "And you sleep all day on the couch, and you won't get a job!" "I wish it were that simple." "Me and you sniping, the accusations, the petty defiling of toothbrushes while the other's at work..." "What?" "These are just symptoms of a larger disease." "But good news." "There is a cure." "We're going to family therapy." "The hell we are!" "Dad, I know therapy probably scares you with your countrified ways, but I did a lot of therapy when I was in Philadelphia." "I did freudian, scream therapy." "I did prenatal regression." "Turns out, a lot of my problems are because mom has a substandard uterus." " I'm so sorry." " I'm gonna ask you to stop talking about your mother's uterus." "Was it too small or..." "Or too big?" "It was too loud." "You know, I did drink a lot of iced tea back then." "Your mother has the reproductive organs of an angel!" "And we are not going to therapy!" "My family's so screwed up, they don't even know they need help!" "Yeah." "Just like Kirstie Alley." "Candle in the wind." "Over here, dummy." "Well, this whole "no child left behind" thing has managed to bite me right square in the ass." "Thank you again, George Wallace bush Jr." "Should have left him behind." "Ha." "Am I right?" "Ha ha." "Politics." "Anyone?" "Oh..." "If I don't get my class test scores up, the school loses funding, which means I lose my job." "And dummy here is so dumb, he's single-handedly bringing down the class average." "Thanks, dummy." "Maybe it would help if you didn't call him dummy." "I don't know his real name." "You could ask him." "What's your real name, dummy?" "Sam Samuels." "Not memorable." "Dummy it is." "If he were good at sports, I could pass him, but just my luck..." "dummy's a spaz!" "So I'm screwed." "Thank you, Barry Obama." "Hussein!" "Ha ha." "Politics, right?" "Have a seat, dummy." "In a chair?" "Ch-air?" "Um..." "You mean the booth?" "Do you see what I am dealing with?" "I give up!" "I'm not giving up on my family, and you're not giving up on dummy." "You and Glenn are smart guys." "Let him hang out with you all weekend." "Half the time, these kids just need a role model." "And the other half of the time you just put rocks in their pocket and point them toward the surf." "Josh is right, you know?" "We should give this kid a chance." "When I was a young boy, I was having a lot of trouble, and a wonderful older gentleman became my mentor." "And he had many other children around, but he chose me as a special boy." "We spent hours and hours together." "Long nighttime car rides of learning." "Overnight camping trip study sessions." "Just..." "Plain old fun time sleepovers." "What I'm trying to say is you should be this boy's mentor." "Impossible." "I'm not the least bit attracted to this kid." "But whatever." "He can hang out with us for the weekend." "All right, that's the spirit." "Now, if you'll excuse me." "I have a family to save." "I wonder if he still has that disease where he needs to be tickled all the time." "Wonderful." "You're all here!" "It's the first step to a healthy future." "What are you talking about?" "I was just sitting here." "Who's this guy?" "I found us a therapist." "He's gonna help us dig down deep, get to the bottom of what's ailing my beloved family." "Actually, I'm not really a therapist." "I just run the local AA meeting." " Oh." "O-okay, I..." "Misunderstood your credentials." "But that's okay." "Because this family has developed a serious dependency on miscommunication and, frankly, bad attitudes." "All right." "Let's get this session going." "It's time to get a check up from the neck up." "All right, my name is ray b., and I'm an alcoholic." "Ray?" "Ray Benson?" "Uh..." "Yeah." "I didn't know you were an alcoholic!" "Yes, I am." "Usually, these meetings are anonymous." "Did you know ray was an alcoholic?" " No, I had no idea." " Yeah, I can't believe it." "Does Becky know?" "It's something that Becky and I have worked through." "We've become stronger because of it." "She's probably a drunk too." "Okay, you know what?" "Let's forget about me for a sec and let's find the solution to your pollution." "Okay, now, do you all know why we're here today?" "Is this an intervention about my diet pills?" "No." "All right, then." "Let's get started." "I can't believe Josh is making us hang out with this dummy." "I don't know how my mentor enjoyed it so much." "There's a lot about that period I don't remember." "It's so cool that you dudes are hanging out with me all weekend to make me all smarter." " Ay yi yi." " For the love of Christ." "Once I touched a dead deer." "Wow." "You guys ever notice that when you're humming and you hold your nose, the humming stops?" "The name dummy makes him sound too smart." "Is that true?" "Yeah." "Hmm..." " Does that work for anybody?" " Probably." "Hmm..." "Hmm..." "That is pretty cool." "Yeah." "Ha ha." "Hey, what that dead deer feel like?" "Did it smell?" "I have like, literally, a dozen questions." " Now, I don't want any self-pity during this session, okay?" "As we say, "poor me, poor me, pour me another drink."" "Or in this case, pour me a family issue." "This guy's good." "I've seen it all, and I done it all, you know?" "I had to hit rock bottom in order to make my way up to the top." "I've done some terrible things to get high." "I drank my baby's teething medication and let him cry into the night." "Tell it, brother." "I let hobos dress me up as a pretty lady and use me as such." "Okay, that took a weird turn." "Once, in a railcar, they used me nonstop from Des Moines to the badlands of South Dakota." "It was a horrible way to see America." "Is this how your AA meetings go?" "Yeah, little man." "Have you ever done drugs, ray?" "Well, I never did drugs." "The drugs did me." "I, uh, owed my dealer a lotta money before I got clean, but luckily, I got away from all that." "Do you, uh, still owe money to your drug dealer?" "I like to think that I owe him my life." "I mean, if he hadn't gotten me so high," "I wouldn't have hit rock bottom, and I never would have found my way back up." "I bet that drug dealer doesn't care about your personal story." "He probably just wants his 2 grand." "Gee, I sure hope he doesn't find you." " W-what's that?" "Because what you think he's gonna do is probably not as bad as what he's really gonna do." " You've grown." " That's right!" "He certainly has." "He's my growing little boy." "How much do you weigh now, honey?" "85 pounds." "All right, well, uh, why don't we get back to the matter at hand?" "Uh..." "Nothing's more important than family and, uh, family's more important than nothing." "I just, uh, made that one up." "I don't know if it works, but, uh..." "Ahh." "It makes you think, doesn't it?" "Are you allowed to... what?" "!" "Look, we're getting sidetracked here, okay?" "We should be crying and hugging by now, all right?" "Let's dig down deep and get to the issues." "Let's hear some buried resentments, people." "And..." "Go." " Okay." "I-I'll go." "Sometimes when I'm baking," "I stick my arm in the oven just so that I can feel something." "My feelings are buried so deep that I don't even know who I am anymore!" "And sometimes when I look in the mirror," "I just wanna smash it!" "Smash it!" "Linda, honey, I had no idea." "Are you all right?" "Mom, I'm so sorry." "I was just kidding." "That's the sort of thing you're supposed to do in therapy, right?" "Oh, I should have made it more Jewish." "I know therapy's supposed to be for the Jews." "Wait a second." "Are you positive that wasn't real?" "Of course it wasn't real." "I don't cut myself with my scrap booking scissors." "You didn't say anything about scrap booking scissors." "What?" "!" "You know, uh, this may just be common sense talking, but, uh, maybe some of the tension you're all feeling is 'cause your grown son has moved back into the home." "No, no, no, that's just a symptom of a larger problem." "Well, I mean, it may be some gettin' used to, him moving into the spare bedroom... he sleeps on the couch." "He just plays video games all day." " Are you serious?" " As a heart attack." " How do you stand it?" " Well, to be honest with you," "I don't!" "You know, I..." "I hate to see a man drink alone." "Let me refill that for you." " This therapy isn't working out..." "I-it was a bad idea." "No, this is great!" "Ray, can you stop by tomorrow?" "Sure." "I think things are going really good." "Are you absolutely sure you're supposed to be drinking like that?" "Well, you know, sometimes one drink is just one drink." "I don't think that's one of their sayings." "Well, I say it!" "So what were we talking about?" " Monsters!" " Oh, right, okay, okay." "All right, here's why teen wolf is the smartest monster." " Aw, get outta town." " Wait, let's hear him out." "At first you think teen wolf would be less smart that the wolfman 'cause he's a teenager, right?" " Right." " But teen wolf plays basketball and does all his homework, whereas the wolfman just runs around going crazy and eating people." " Hmm." " I stand corrected." "Hey, imagine how smart a wolf baby would be." "Hey, dummy's gonna take us to the pet store and show us how to give rabbits boners... wanna come?" "Do I ever." "But I have to go see this stupid therapist." "I hired this guy to help figure out what's wrong with my family." "He seems to think the problem is me playing video games all day and not having a job." "That guy's good." "How much does he charge?" "I'm just so tired of my dad blaming me for everything." "Hey, if you need advice, you should ask dummy." "He can make a fart that sounds exactly like a bird." "It's an oriole." "You know, it takes two to do the dysfunction tango." "My dad's gonna have to realize that he needs to take equal responsibility for all the things that are wrong with his life." "You lost $385,000 of his money." "T-that's on you." "Yeah, I'll give you that one." "Now who's the dummy?" "See how awesome he is?" "I'm gonna go back there, and I'm gonna stand with my dad while we both look in the mirror naked..." "Emotionally." "Or physically." "Really, whatever gets him to realize that our relationship's worth more than money or sitting on your own couch or whatever else I've messed up." "It's about family." "Oh, man, I am so glad my dad is dead." "Nice glasses, grandpa." "Hey, these are my reading glasses." "I need them to read." ""Oh, these are my reading glasses." "I need them to read."" " Am I gonna order something off the seniors' menu?" "Ha ha ha ha!" "Wait." "It does say seniors' menu." "It's not fuzzy anymore." "I can read all of this." "Okay, you're kind of losing the impression." "Yeah, yeah, Chris would never say that." "No, I'm serious..." "I thought I wasn't good at reading, but I just couldn't see the words very well." "I can't believe this." "Good for you." "But put the book down." "Let's have some more fun!" ""A butterfly's cocoon is also called a chrysalis."" "A butterfly's cocoon is also called a cryst-alis." "It's chrysalis." "Ha ha ha..." "Did you know that the average lifespan for a butterfly is only two weeks?" " No." " Imagine that." "You'd have to pack so much life into every minute." "Come on, man!" "Them rabbits aren't gonna give themselves boners." "Hey, welcome back, ray!" "I made ya a drink." "Well, thank you, Carlos." "Just what the unlicensed therapist ordered." "Oh, hey, I thought of a bunch of other ways" "Josh is destroying this family." "Hmm." "Now, how does this work?" "Do I read the list, or do I give it to you and you read it?" "We could do it either way." "It doesn't, uh..." " Hello, ray." " Jeremy!" "Jeremy." "Uh, uh..." "I understand you have a school fundraiser..." " Yeah." " Uh..." "That you, uh, need some money for." "Here you go." "And, uh..." "This is, uh, some of my wife's jewelry." "And this is my son's iPod." "It's almost new." "He just got it for Christmas." "Oh, great." "Now we're just about, uh, $1,400 short of our goal, and, uh, the school fundraiser ends this Friday." "Oh, Christ." " Ray, ray." " Oh." "Oh." "Thank you." "All right, guys." "I'm ready to talk about our family's problems." "So am I!" "All right." "Well, then, let's begin!" "I'll start." "Dad..." "I'm willing to admit that I'm part of the problem, okay?" "I play too many video games." "I'm living on the couch." "And, yeah, I lost quite a bit of your money." "Now, is there anything you wanna say to me?" "So you see?" "He admits it, he's the problem!" "No, no, no, no." "See, this is the part where you get to admit all the things that you've done wrong." "I didn't do anything wrong." "Really, dad?" "Well, then, where were you when I was growing up, 'cause you were never here." "I'd come home from school." "You'd just wander in hours later." "Josh, you wouldn't know about this, but I have a thing called..." "A job." "Good..." "Good answer." "I-I did not anticipate that." "That's..." "I lost my train of thought." "What were we talking about?" "Good share, Josh." "Good share!" "How many of those have you had?" "Boy, this family sure does like to count drinks!" "You know, at the end of the day, it's not about having a job... or that lonely train whistle outside Sioux Falls." "It's about how you never supported me, dad." "You know, I've had ups, I've had downs, but I can only count on you to be there during the downs." "As soon as you have an up, let me know." "What about when I worked at the bank... that was an up." "And I never heard a peep outta you." "You only called after I lost everything to tell me what an idiot I was." "It was." "Oh, my goodness." "I think he's dead." "This really blows for his drug dealer." "Oh, my God." "His vital signs are weak." "His extremities are starting to swell." "Okay." "This is bad." "I think he drank some of my brass cleaner." "We could all go down for criminally negligent homicide!" "We're all looking at a dime!" "Why didn't you do something?" "Me?" "You're the one who kept feeding him drinks." "When the cops come..." "Keep your mouth shut." "If they pressure us, we roll over on dad." "Guys!" "Look at us..." "At each other's throats." "If ray taught us one thing..." "Ray taught us nothing." "But what matters is that we stick together like a family." "So what do we do?" "Don't worry." "I've got a plan." "Hurry up!" "Come on!" "Josh, Josh!" "Buckle up, buckle up." "Here we go." "Go!" "Hey." "Check out dummy." "What a dick!" "We gotta tell dummy he can't hang out with us anymore." "Absolutely." "This guy's gotta go." "Hey, dummy." "Have a seat." "We have something we wanna tell you." "Oh, that's great." "I have something I wanna tell you guys also." " Okay, you go first." " Guys, I gotta say..." "This isn't working out." "I gotta be around people who challenge me intellectually rather than sitting around a restaurant all day talking about rabbit boners." "That was your idea." "And you never showed us how to do it either." "You know..." "It's not too late for you guys to come out of your chrysalises." "Open your eyes... there's a whole big world around you." "You helped me." "Et me help you." "Shove it up your ass, four eyes." "Let's go rent teen wolf." "That sounds nice, pal." "Real nice." "They say he's okay." "He was only out there two hours before they found him." "Josh, I'd just like to say you did a really good job handling the situation tonight." "Really?" "Yeah." "And, uh..." "If, uh, I'm ever again in a situation where I might be responsible for a..." "Dead body," "I want you there with me, son." "Thanks, dad." "That really means a lot." "All right, come on, now." "Let's all go out for dinner." "Hang on." "I had ray's last name wrong." "He's dead." "So, you guys want Chinese?" "That's a great idea, dad." "Well, if his number's up, his number's up." "Circle of life." "Ray would have wanted us to have a pu pu platter."