"Good morning, Daddy." "Morning, sweetheart." "Look, I was thinking, you know, this week, maybe we could... get in a game of tennis at the club and maybe do lunch?" " Y ou and me?" " Y eah." "Good one, Daddy." "Hi, kids." "Needy father alert." "Hold it." "Now, what is that supposed to mean?" "Come on, Dad, every time Mom goes away... you start wanting to do things with us." "It's not fair." "So, what are you kids saying?" "What we're saying is, here's $10." "Go to the movies." "Run!" "Hey!" "Come on now!" "Y ou Mr. Smarty..." "Hi, Will, you want to go to a movie?" "Sure would, Uncle Phil." "Thanks a lot." "I appreciate that." "Dad?" "Hello?" "I think we lost him." "Dad's pretty quick for a big guy." "I mean, he kept up with the car for a whole block." "He couldn't help it." "He got his coat stuck in the door." "Wow, Will, clean clothes." "What, is your probation officer stopping by?" "No, my buddy, Keith, is coming out from Philly." "I'm going to show him around." "Great, he can hang out with Dad." "Well, actually, you know, Keith is a comic." "He going to be large, too." "He's coming out here, there's a big showcase at a standup club." "Y eah, well, I think I speak for all of us when I say, "So what?"" "And I think I speak for myself when I say, "Uncle Phil, they in here!"" "All right, who pushed me?" " It was Ashley." " No, it wasn't." "Well, now, you look." "Now, all I want to do is spend some quality time with my family... and running alongside a car is not what I had in mind." " Uncle Phil..." " What?" "Well, see, I was wondering, since I'm not part of the immediate family..." " I was wondering if I was immune..." " Sit down, Will." "I'm gonna sit down right here... in the non-immediate family section of the living room." "And I'm gonna shut up on my way down." "Watch." "Now, you listen, and you listen good." "We are a family." "I know this because I pay the bills." "So, we are going to start spending time together." "Lots of time." "Lucky us." "We are going to start acting more like a family." "Do I make myself clear?" "Jawoh/, mein Fuehrer!" "From now on, we're going to start eating together and laughing together... and I'll think of a few more things as soon as I finish watching those Cosby reruns." "Master William... there's a young gentleman at the door who thought you might find this funny." "I love my work." "Excuse me, I need to call my therapist." "How are you doing, man?" "Y ou ain't got to hit me like that." "Will, aren't you going to introduce us to your company?" "Y eah." "Uncle Phil, this is my buddy Keith from Philly, and this is my Uncle Phil." "How are you doing, Mr. Banks?" "Nice to meet you." "This is my cousin Ashley, that's Hilary and that's Carlton." "How you guys doing?" "Mr. Banks, I want to tell you, I appreciate you letting me stay here for the weekend." " That was really great of you." " Excuse me?" "Whoa, Uncle Phil..." "I ain't had an opportunity to enlighten you on what's going on here, but..." "Look, Uncle Phil, please, if you let Keith stay here..." "I promise I'll stop making them 976 calls on your car phone." "Okay, if you let him stay..." "I'll take you to Chuck E. Cheese and I'll tell the head rat it's your birthday." "I'll go to an out-of-state college." "Keith, my boy, welcome." "Check it out, man." "I got the new hip joint for you to see." "Damn, man, what is this?" "It's the interactive network TV." "Sound like what black people buy when they got too much time on their hands." " Here, come on, push a player." " All right." " Look what's happening." " Come on, man." " Aikman hands off to Emmitt." " Man, come on." " Look!" " Y ou can do better than that." "Touchdown!" "Who's the man?" "Who's the man?" "Man, come on, the game ain't even over yet." "Please, you never could take it when I bust your butt at something." "'Cause you never beat me." "Y ou must be getting old, baby, your mind going." "Let me refresh your memory." "From the time we was in kindergarten, every thing we did..." "I always beat you like you stole something." "Kind of like you just beat me now, huh?" "Man, I don't care about this game." "I'm going up to my room, get ready for my big act tomorrow." "All you got to do is stand up there and tell a couple jokes." "Telling jokes..." "See, that's what your drunk Uncle Lou do at weddings." "Me, I'm a professional." "Whoa, whoa, hold up, hold up." "First of all, Uncle Lou is not a drunk, okay?" "He has an inner ear problem." "That's why he always be sliding out of his chair." "And, second of all, anybody can get up on a stage and tell a couple jokes." "Why you go and say something silly like that?" "There's a craft to this, man." "I take this real seriously." "Please." "Look, I been funny all my life." "All your life you just been funny-Iooking." "I mean, look at them big old ears." "Lean over that way and tell me what's going on in Somalia." "Well, if I couldn't find my way to Somalia, I could follow that big map on your head." "Look at them big teeth, all big and spaced out." "What you floss with, a jump rope?" "Wait a minute, was that a professional joke?" " Y ou're damn right." " Y es, it was." "I think you going to have to pay me to laugh at that one, bro." " Y ou think you can do better than that?" " Oh, please..." " Show me, do something." " All right." "G, check it out." "Can we talk to you for a second?" "I'm off duty." "Y ou can talk, but I don't have to listen." "All right, check it out." "Is this funny or not?" " Two gorillas go into a bar, right?" " Not." "All right." "Hey, Will, thanks for the ride." " Y ou don't have to hang around, though." " No, I'm cool, man." "Well, you go be funny, I'm gonna go nab me a honey." " Keith, glad you could make the audition." " Hi, how you doing?" "Thank you, I appreciate that." "Hey, girl... you look so good, I'd marry your brother just to get in your family." "Y o, man, you see that?" "That's called the l-want-Will walk." "Y o, Keith, come here, man." "Do the chivalry joint." "Come on, you know I'm trying to concentrate." "Do the chivalry joint, man." "Man, come on." "All right." "Hey, girl!" "Why don't you stand up and wrap your arms around a real man?" "Okay, well, check it out." "I got four words for you." "Ho-li-day Inn." "Come on, girl, you know you want to." "Excuse me, miss, is this abrasive Negro bothering you?" "Y es, as a matter of fact, he is." "Allow me." "Now, you look here, buddy." "Y ou have no business bothering this sweet young lady." "Now you apologize and don't make me take off my belt." "Not the belt, man." "I'll be cool." "All right, look, I'm sorry, okay?" "Now, you get out of her face, now!" "Look, miss, I'd just like to apologize on behalf of my gender... for his rude behavior." "That's okay." "No, it's not." "He had no reason to act like that." "I'm sorry." "It's okay." " Look, could I call you sometime?" " Y eah." " Call me." " Thank you." "Y ou." " Me?" " Y ou a comic?" "I don't know you." "Y eah, I'm known all over this town." "I'm Shecky." "Shecky Shabazz." "Y ou're funny, Shecky." "No, I'm sorry, I'm not here for the audition." "Y ou don't have to." "What I saw was good enough." "Y ou're in the showcase." "Y ou're on at 8:15." "Y abba dabba do, I'm in the showcase, too!" " Here you go, big guy." " Thank you, son." "Hilary, sweetheart, how was work today, darling?" "It was great, Dad." "Thanks for asking." "It's wonderful spending time with one's family." " Daddy." " Y es, dearest?" "I'm feeling nauseous." "I am, too." "Let's take a break, kids." "I think we can forget about those Chinese checkers after the sing-along." "Great." "But the sing-along's still on, right?" "Ow!" "Y ou're hurting my arms!" " Keith." " Hi, Mr. Banks." " Are you all right, son?" " Y eah, I'm fine." "Look, I just want to say that it's a pleasure... to finally meet one of Will's friends who has his head on straight." "Y ou have been a very positive influence on him, son." "Thank you, sir." "Y ou know, I used to think so, too." "Hey, Uncle Phil... you know how you've been staying on me to make some decisions in my life?" "Y eah." "Well, hanging with Keith, I've decided what I want to do." "Great." "What is it?" "Well, I want to do something that makes a difference and makes people feel good." "That's wonderful." "I want to be a comedian." "Uncle Phil, I don't think "comedian" is a bad word." "It is in this house." "I just spent thousands of dollars sending you to a topnotch prep school." "Maybe I should have just sent you to Camp Funnypants." "Look, I bet Sinbad's parents supported him when he wanted to be a comedian." "They named him Sinbad!" "He had two options:" "Pirate or comic." "Look, Uncle Phil, I know it's a shock... but think of all the money you'll save by not sending me to college." "There is no future in it, Will." "Come on, Uncle Phil, can I help it that I'm this incredibly handsome... incredibly talented guy with star quality?" "Uncle Phil, this thing is bigger than both of us." "Sort of." "I just want you to go to college, that's all." "Uncle Phil, and I will if this doesn't work." "But come on, you got to let me take my shots in life." "Y ou really want this badly, huh, son?" "Y es, I do." "And you actually think you can make a success of it?" "Y es, sir, I do." "Well, son, I... guess there's only one thing for me to do." "I'm going to nail your behind to the floor." "And if I catch you anywhere near a comedy club..." "I'm going to break every funny bone in your body." "Do I make myself perfectly clear?" "Perfectly." "Y o, Keith, man, what's up?" "What's up?" "That's what I've been trying to figure out." "I thought you was my boy." " I am." "What are you talking about?" " No, you're not." "Not after what you pulled today at the audition." "What, are you mad at me that I got in the showcase?" "I mean, I just walked in and the lady gave it to me." "I wasn't going for it." "Y eah, but I was." "And, you got it." "So what's your beef?" "Y ou don't get this, huh?" "I worked my butt off to get here, man." "Y ou know how many clubs I got booed out of?" "How many dives I had to play till I got a routine that finally worked for me?" "This ain't nothing but a joke to you." "To me this is serious." "So, what, you asking me to back out?" "No, I'm asking you to just show me some respect." "Respect?" "I walk through the door and before my butt hit the chair... the lady was giving me a job." "Y ou could learn something from me." "Really?" "Well, I'll be off-stage taking notes tomorrow night, okay?" "Y ou better bring a big pad." "We'll be right back in five minutes with another hot comic." "Well, I guess I'm up next, guys." "Will, I took the liberty of writing out a few humorous barbs... that you might find useful." "Listen and laugh." "Did you hear what the snail said when he rode on the back of the turtle?" "No, Carlton, what?" "Whee!" "Now, you should use that one for your big finish." "No, maybe you should try this one." "Why did the turkey cross the road?" "I know I'm going to regret this, but why?" "Chicken's day off." "Eat your heart out, Rodney Dangerfield." "Hey, I'm giving you gold here." "See, Carlton, this is why people trip you in the halls." "Don't be proud, Will." "Take it." "Y ou'll thank me later." "Carlton, I'm going to be hilarious." "And when I get done with Keith... the only job opportunity he's going to have is putting lids on Slurpees." "Ladies and gentlemen... please put your hands together for our next comedian from Philadelphia, PA... give it up for Will Smith." "What's up?" "What's up?" "Hey, how y'all doing out there?" "I'm a little tired, though, you know." "I had a rough date last night." "I went out with this girl who ain't have no arms." "I took her to The Arsenio Ha// Show and she was like..." "Well, that's cool, check it out, check it out, check it out." "I should be mad at my cousin Carlton, though... 'cause he set me up with her." "But he ain't no prize hisself." "He kind of look like a miniature Bryant Gumbel on a bad hair day." "That's cool, check it out." "But actually, my cousin Carlton, he don't have no problem buying clothes... 'cause he's so short... he just rips them off his G. I. Joe doll and wears 'em right out of the box." "Will's really bombing up there." "We should do something." "Good idea." "Boo!" "Get off the stage!" "We want our money back!" "Go back where you came from!" "What's up?" "What's up?" "Give me that before you hurt yourself." "Give Will Smith a big round of applause, ladies and gentlemen." "Come on, y'all can do better than that." "Give him a big round of applause." "He'll be back, just not in here." "I hope you're funnier than the last guy." "I know I ain't getting heckled by no Jheri curl." "And you got the nerve to be smoking, too?" "What you trying to do, kill us all?" "Y ou know, I ain't going to bother no Jheri curl, 'cause I know that... plastic bag makes so much noise at night, you're always irritable, huh?" "Crumple, crumple. "I cannot sleep!"" "Maybe I better speak to you in your language." "Drip, drip, drip, drip." "I'm new in L.A." "I know there's things you can't do." "Y ou can't wear colors." "Can't wear red." "One gang will beat you up." "Can't wear blue." "Other gang will beat you up." "Last night, I thought I was slick and put on plaid." "Two golfers beat the hell out of me, ya'II." "And everybody in L.A. Got a car phone." "Don't matter how messed up the car." "Sometime the phone is the best thing on the car." "Y ou could tell the car raggedy." "Every time the phone ring, the car just cut off." ""Girl, I'm glad you called." "I need a jump." ""Stop calling me or I'll never get home."" "But I do this 'cause I want to be rich." "I don't want to be rich for the petty reasons that many of you do." "I want to be rich so I can sleep late." "'Cause when you're broke, you know you got to get up at 6:00 in the morning." "Sometimes you accidentally wake up at 3:00." ""Am I late?"" "And black people set their alarm clock 30 minutes early... so they can hit that snooze button three times." ""That was a drill." ""I'm going to get it right next time."" "And now they're saying there's a recession." "Black folks, we didn't know there was a recession... 'cause we been broke since the day before forever." "Black folks found a way to get around being broke... 'cause we'll put some stuff on layaway, won't we?" "And leave it for a long time." "I know brothers still got bell-bottoms on layaway." "Y ou ever left stuff on layaway so long... you don't even recognize it when you get back?" ""Damn, when did I get an eight-track tape player?" ""It's paid for now." We do, man." "And white folks, you see them in the unemployment office all the time." ""$210 a week?" "How the hell am I going to live on $210 a week?"" "A brother be right behind him." ""$210 a week?" "For nothing?" ""Baby, get the kids." "We done come up."" "It's basic differences." "They just are." "Like black parents are different than white parents." "No better, no worse, just different." "Saw a movie called Po/tergeist." "In the movie, a little white child trapped in a TV set." "Start crying:" ""Oh, my God!" "Carol Anne's in the TV." "What are we going to do?"" "Y ou know, had that been a black mother, she'd have been proud." "Pick up the phone, call her best friend, "Girl, turn to Channel 2." ""My baby's on TV!"" "But white people, I love you guys." "Y'all get to do stuff we don't get to do." "White people get to die and come back." "Elvis been dead 15 years." "People still seeing this brother." "When a black man is gone, he's just gone." "Y ou don't see brothers talking about, "Man, I just saw Marvin Gaye!" ""He was at the mall!"" ""How do you know?" "I heard it through the grapevine."" "Y ou guys have been great." "Thank you very much." "Give it up for Keith Campbell." " Good morning, Uncle Phil." " Morning, Will." "I hear your friend Keith really blew them away last night at the standup club." "Man, you should have seen how he handled them hecklers." "I mean, how I heard somewhere that he handled the hecklers." "Don't worry, Will, I know you were there and I'm not going to kill you." "Because I heard you already died a pretty horrible death." "Y o, it was nasty, Uncle Phil." "I guess I ain't as funny as I thought." "I could have told you that." "Ain't nothing you do funny to me." "That's pretty cold, Uncle Phil." "Y eah, well, so is the world if you don't have an education and a good job." "All right, I mean, I learned my lesson, Uncle Phil, but come on." "Look, I'm funny." "All right, here, check it out." "Knock, knock." " Who's there?" " Amy Fisher." " Amy..." " Bang!" "Y o, yo, yo." "Hey, I'm on my way to the airport, but thank you guys for all your hospitality." "I appreciate that." "Everybody, except for you, Geoffrey." "Y ou don't think I'm funny, do you?" "For a tip I might." "Okay, well, I got a tip for you." "Tails is out." "So are you." "There's the door." "Now, that's funny." "And everybody in L.A. Is a vegetarian." "What is this?" ""I don't eat red meat." "I don't eat pork."" "Y ou know, it's cool to have a baked potato or a salad every once in a while... but at a certain level of hungry, I need something dead on my plate... something that used to have horns and hoofs." "And they put parsley on black people's plates." "I asked the waiter, "Man, why you putting parsley on my plate?"" "He said, "It's a decoration, it make your plate look pretty."" "I'm like, "y o, man, wouldn't an extra shrimp make my plate look even better?""