"We kissed." "I know." "Then we slept together." "What sort of fool does he take me for?" "Publicly humiliating me like this!" "I have applied to the courts for custody of little Alan." "Over my dead body." "Ooh..." "That was for lying to me." "Aah!" "And that was for saving our club." "What's seventeen across?" ""Bishop turned on a gas light."" "Right, well it ends in E." "Cos we've got that from 'hexagonal.'" "And then..." ""He" is one of them chemistry thingies, I think, for helium, so that's the gas..." "And then Bishop... chances are it's gonna begin with a B..." "Well the chess abbreviation for Bishop is B, so..." "Mm." "Oh - look, it's "Blithe."" "Put "l-i-t" in there, cos that's what he did, the bishop, he turned on the light - he lit it, and that spells blithe." "What?" "She can do cryptic crosswords." "My life is complete." "Come in." "Breakfast plee-uz." "Lovely, thanks, Bethan." "Put it on the end of the bed, please." "You alright?" "Thank you, plee-uz." "That's great - cheers Bethan." "D'you want to have it at the table?" "No, it's more fun like this." "Yes Ben?" "Yes there are." "There are plenty in the airing cupboard." "OK." "Now listen, Robert Morgan." "You sound like Aunty Brenda." "I've had a lovely time being irresponsible for the last three days but I won't have no any ironing customers left at this rate and Ben's probably grown a beard!" "OK, point taken." "But I want to take you somewhere this afternoon." "Oh, I can't!" "Yes you can." "Come on sweetheart." "I'm going back in four days." "Don't I know it." "I'm gonna get one of them crates today, OK?" "So we can put all his stuff in, his toys an' that." "You're so good to us." "What colour d'you want?" "You choose." "Your sandwiches are in the fridge." "Aw, can't I just get some dinner money?" "What's wrong with my sandwiches?" "Well, in yesterday's ones, you spread mustard in 'em like it was mayonnaise." "Yeah?" "Aunty Paula I'm 13." "I'm not even meant to like mustard yet." "And you didn't put anything else in 'em." "They literally were mustard sandwiches." "Mam's home today, Benny Boy, so things'll get back to normal." "Charmin'." "Sorry - it's just, y'know, she's like a machine, my mother, when it comes to us lot." "She just knows what to do, like." "Yeah, well you'll miss your old Aunty when I'm gone, I tell you." "Why, where you goin'?" "I think it's about time I went home." "Don't you, boys?" "Jasminder, please tell your father we are completely out of satsumas." "Dad, Mum says we're completely..." "Jasminder please inform your mother that she knows perfectly well" "I intend on going to the Cash and Carry later today..." "Whoa!" "Can we just stop, please?" "This has been goin' on for days, and it's doin' my head in." "Well maybe your father should have thought about that before embarking on an affair with Susan Boyle!" "Don't be ridiculous, woman." "Hilary is nothing like Susan Boyle." "Hah!" "So you admit the affair part?" "What?" "No!" "Of course not." "If you two don't sort yourselves out, I'm gonna join a circus." "Right, so you pretend you've come to measure my mother." "And I tell you I've already got a coffin, and I ask you if you think that's weird, and you say, "It depends - is it silk-lined or satin?"" "And I say leather, and that really does it for you, so we kiss..." "Get in the coffin." "What?" "No hang on, I haven't finished yet..." "I said get in that damn coffin right now, d'you hear?" "No, no - you've got it wrong..." "You got to cool things down a bit, yeah?" "It's getting out of hand." "Agh!" "Paula." "I know, I know I've got a key, but I thought you might have company." "Yeah, well actually..." "And you have." "Mornin'." "Right." "Well, don't mind me." "I'll move my stuff into the spare room and get out from under your feet." "Actually, Jane was just going, weren't you?" "No." "Look, I don't want any trouble, and I know I can't stop you wantin' a divorce." "But this is still my home, and to be honest, I can't handle sleeping' at Stella's no more." "It's like a cross between a bloody youth hostel and a halfway house for battered wives." "I'm still amazed you remember this place." "Well, it was a pretty special day." "Well, I didn't forget." "I just assumed you did." "June the 28th, 1985." "Impressive!" "You wanted to wait till your last exam." "I think I thought I'd jinx my results if I lost my virginity before the last one." "I was terrified, you know?" "Me too." "Never!" "I was." "I thought I'd do it wrong and you'd laugh at me." "Aw, that's quite sweet, really." "You didn't do it wrong, by the way." "Nor did you." "So..." "Shall we discuss the elephant in the room?" "I hate that expression." "Alright I'll be more direct." "Shall we discuss the fact that you're flying back to Canada on Saturday and I've fallen in love with you again?" "It's a bit of a mess, isn't it?" "Yeah." "Please will you stay?" "Oh, I really regret saying that." "Don't think I haven't thought about it." "So...?" "Vancouver is an incredible city." "Yeah, you keep saying, Rob." "But it is." "And I think you'd love it there." "Which is why I've taken the liberty of booking you onto my flight." "I love you, Stella." "So much." "And I want you to come and live with me in Canada." "I thought you'd never ask." "Hey, here he is!" "Have a nice time?" "No." "He's sulking." "Good luck." "Why?" "What's happened?" "Keith and I popped into Blake Hall on the way back." "What's Blake Hall?" "Oh, keep up, Alan!" "It's the boarding school we're signing him up for." "Hang on, we haven't discussed this..." "They were very nice to him, but for some reason he couldn't wait to get away." "That's cos he doesn't want to go." "And nor do I want him to." "I'm afraid it's not about what you want." "It's about what's best for Little Alan." "As agreed by the courts." "I was going to post it, but why waste a stamp?" "If you could have his things packed and ready for Friday," "I'll be round to pick him up after school." "Look, the plan is, I'll go out there for a few months, see if I like it, and Ben can stay with Karl and Nadine." "Is that wise?" "He'll be alright." "He adores his Dad!" "Then, Easter time, then... he can come out and join us." "Look, aren't you excited for me?" "Course I am, you big goose." "But why can't Rob stay in Pontyberry?" "Why have you got to be the one who leaves?" "He's got no-one in Canada - you've got all your family here." "And your friends." "And the dog!" "And you got me." "What am I gonna do without you, Stella?" "Fucking hell." "Big match today, Tan." "Yes, I see." "Not that I can concentrate much, after the devastating' news about Stella's immigration an' what-yer-me-call." "Oh, "emigration," "immigration," she's off to bloody Canada." "What's an I or an E between friends, when your whole family's been decimated?" "Me too, Daddy." "It's not often we get such opportunities in life." "Mrs Choudary!" "Oh, bloody hell." "I hear you've been sullying my reputation." "Get out of my shop, you marriage-wrecker." "My intentions are purely musical." "Nonsense!" "You were all over my husband like a bag of angry fleas." "Banging your tambourine on his leg..." "Oh, look out!" "Oh, it got dirty quick." "She's gone into the Welsh." "And now she's in the Punjabi." "Mum, calm down." "Dad tell her!" "Tanisha!" "Please!" "Daddy speaks Punjabi?" "And Welsh, so we're in luck!" "Ooh!" "For goodness sake, where is your dignity, woman?" "This is well mental!" "Find your own man." "Keep your hands off my husband." "He couldn't sing, anyway." "Ems!" "I've just enrolled." "It's a really good course." "I can start straight away." "That's brilliant." "I thought you'd hate the idea." "Why would I?" "As long as it makes you happy." "Let's face it, you hated school." "Yeah, well maybe I've changed a bit." "Great!" "Look" " I'm not gonna apologise any more or analyse or anything." "I just want to put it all behind us and start again." "Y'know, I thought I'd be angry, but I'm not." "Cos I thought - let's be realistic, he's only 18." "You're in your prime." "I mean, you're bound to find other girls attractive, whether you got a weddin' ring on your finger or no." "And uni is exciting, and Leah's dead pretty..." "You've got to believe me, Em - she sort of forced me into it..." "A girl can't force a bloke to have sex with her." "You got to want to." "But the awful thing is, I just lost all respect for you..." "What?" "I just think you're an idiot for what you did." "I mean" " I'm brilliant, Sun." "And gorgeous." "I know!" "Of course you are!" "I always used to love the fact you were different from the other boys in school." "I am!" "I am!" "No, you're not." "And it put me off you a bit, I gotta say." "Babe" " I'll admit, this is entirely my fault, but I'll do..." "Yeah, you're right." "It IS entirely your fault." "I bet that wasn't easy to say goodbye to." "Hello." "Can't offer you a glass, everything's been packed." "Weird to think of us both leaving, isn't it?" "Cheers." "Y'know, there's still a part of me that wants it all to go wrong with you and him." "I can't help it." "Only natural, I suppose." "Cos if he hadn't come back, I reckon we would've made a good go of it." "Do you, though?" "Well... yeah." "Don't you?" "Sean, no matter how much you said it didn't matter, you'd have always resented the fact that we never had kids." "Aw, Stella..." "I'm being realistic." "And the age thing..." "I'd always be ten years older than you..." "I could've lived with that." "I don't think I could." "You're bloody gorgeous, presh - Aunty Brenda was right." "You're way out of my league on the looks front." "And I'd have ended up having botox and fillers an' all sorts, just to keep up." "That's not true." "Your Katie, well, she's got it everything going for her - she's your age, she wants kids, I bet." "At least three." "And she's beautiful." "The bitch!" "You... so deserve to be happy, Sean Magaskill." "And so do you, Stella Morris." "I just hope you're not makin' a massive mistake." "We'll soon find out, won't we?" "And the thing is, you can come home for the holidays." "They give you massive holidays in them private schools." "Not like in Pontyberry Comp." "And weekends." "Of course I'll come and visit you." "I'll stay nearby in a BB, it'll be... a little treat for me, that will." "And of course, y'know - your Mam and Keith, they got more money than me, and they'll... give you so much more." "Little Al, I've tried." "I can't fight your mother." "She's got the law on her side." "We could go on a protest." "Ah!" "It's within our sights, Daddy." "Cool head, deep breaths." "We can win this." "Shh!" "Thank you." "And you." "Daddy?" "I think I've being pretty bloody tolerant, actually," "David Jeffrey Kosh!" "Oh no, she's made her bed, and now she refuses to lie in it!" "Oh, for God's sake!" "Don't like it when the shoe's on the other boot, do you?" "Blah blah blah." "Yes, I left you!" "Foot, I mean." "Yes I am the evil witch, and yes, I now deserve everything I get." "But I think it's a bit rich to come home on my lunch break and find PC fuckin' Plod sat there in my pyjamas!" "I didn't have nothin' else to wear." "I said she could wear it." "Oh, and incidentally, sat there in my house that, quite frankly," "MY WAGES have covered the mortgage for, for the past ten years!" "Yes Bobby, what?" "!" "Daddy's dead, Dai." "I've been ringing you." "Yeah." "I know it's a stupid question, but have you got a decent suitcase?" "Cos I'm more than happy to buy you one." "Sorry that probably sounds really patronising..." "Hey, are you alright?" "It's Daddy..." "He's dead." "Oh, my darling." "In Tenerife?" "What?" "No!" "Not my dad, Daddy!" "Jesus." "When?" "This afternoon." "He was bowling." "Ten pin?" "Crown green." "How can I come to Canada with you now?" "I can't possibly leave Paula." "Paula, Bobs is here." "Come in." "Daddy's body is back at the parlour now, Pauls." "I've laid him out." "But I'm not doin' no more..." "Alright mate, alright." "There now." "You're too attached, you are." "He's too attached, Pauls." "Paula." "I can't do it, Dai." "I don't think I can even look at him." "No." "Of course." "Look..." "Why don't we ask Garricks to do it?" "Or, God forbid, Thomas, Thomas, Evans and Thomas?" "And Thomas." "Andrew Garrick is going nowhere NEAR my father." "Alright, alright..." "Or Gwyndaf sodding Thomas!" "It was only a thought." "Paula..." "Will you let me do it?" "Will you let me prepare your father for his journey to the other side?" "The irony of it all, Al." "He's lyin' in state right now, in his own bloody funeral parlour." "Duw, it's a funny old life." "How's Paula?" "Surprisingly calm." "She's already sorted the funeral." "Tomorrow at two." "Tomorrow?" "Bit quick, isn't it?" "It's all part of the reaction, kid." "Wants it over as soon as she can." "Some people are like that." "Don't wanna drag it out." "I tell you, your Muslim and your what-yer-call have all got the right idea if you ask me." "And your Orthodox Jew. 24 hours, bish bash bosh." "Aye." "Got a lot to be said for, I suppose." "Mm." "You gonna tell me what's with the costumes then, kid?" "My Mother wants to send me to boarding' school." "So we're protesting'." "Fathers for justice." "We tied ourselves to the park gate for an hour." "And did it achieve anything?" "No." "I don't care." "He should've had his bath an' everything by now... so get him back here, alright?" "You OK, presh?" "Yeah... it's Lenny, y'know?" "Some people enjoy being a pain in the arse." "Hiya!" "Alright?" "Hiya..." "Hey, Em, d'you hear about Daddy Simpson?" "He's dead." "I know, stupid..." "How's Paula?" "In a right mess." "You coming to the funeral?" "Yeah." "Where's Sunny?" "No idea." "Y'know, Ems, you can't keep fallin' out with him like this - you gotta cut the boy a bit of slack." "Alright, so he was stupid, but let's face it, it was only a kiss." "Move on, love." "What?" "Nothing." "It's just Sunny's not the bloody angel you think he is, Mam." "And he's not the devil incarnate, neither." "Oh, come on, love - life's too short." "Look at poor old Daddy." "Are you alright in there?" "Dai?" "It's alright, I got him." "OK, he's in, Paul." "Right." "Is that the list?" "Yes." "His gold watch." "Check." "Framed photo of Mummy." "Check." "Mobile phone." "Check." "Candle." "Check." "And a penny for the Ferryman." "I couldn't find a penny, so I put 50p in instead." "It's got to be a penny!" "It's got to be exactly what it says on his list!" "OK, OK, I'll find a penny!" "Here you go." "Here you go." "Take it." "Thanks." "Oh, Pauls..." "We'll all be rooting for you tomorrow." "Every slip of the way." "Thanks." "Who's doin' the address?" "Uncle Hugh." "He's arriving' first thing." "Funny to think of Daddy having' a twin." "He don't seem the type." "All done now." "You sure you don't want to look at him before I lid him up?" "Oh...!" "Dai!" "That was delicious." "I'll wash up." "Ben, do you want to give me a hand?" "Fair play, you got him well-trained already." "I gotta tell you, Rob's got a dishwasher in Vancouver." "State of the art." "Mam, are you going to Canada or not?" "Cos I got to get my head round it." "I dunno, sweetheart." "There's the funeral and what about your Aunty Paula?" "Her and Dai are still not right." "And what about you lot?" "We'll be more than alright." "To be honest, it's lush staying' at Dad's." "What, lusher than here?" "No, but Nadine's a push over." "I definitely think you should go." "And me." "Great!" "Nice to know you'll all miss me!" " I will." "I don't think I could ever get used to you not bein' round the corner." "Oh, presh." "That'll be Lenny." "Alright?" "Turn it down you moron, you'll frighten him!" "What's the matter?" "He likes it, don't you?" "Evening, Lukey Boy - she gettin' on your tits yet?" "You're wrecked." "You're not havin' him again." "See, you don't decide whether I see my son or not." "You're right there, Lenny, she don't - social services do." "Leave it, Luke." "It's just what he wants." "It've been a terrible shock, Karl, I won't deny it." "Aye." "Some people you just think are gonna live for ever, don't you?" "Like Harry Hill." "My mother had an aunty down Bridgend, lived till she were 107." "She was awful withered, mind." "Well, you can live too cockin' long, that's the trouble." "Afternoon." "Alright?" "Tragic day." "Tragic..." "Alright?" "Makin' the most of your last hours together, is it, kid?" "What?" "His ex-wife is takin' Little Alan away." "Cold woman, that Melissa." "Heart like a deep freeze." "Oh, my God!" "I just seen a ghost!" "Arrgghh!" "That's the brother, mun!" "Uncle Hugh." "Huh?" "Identical twins, they are!" "He's the cocking' spit!" "And here's the star of the show." "♪ So hold my baggy hand, she said" "♪ And take me to the land, she said" "♪ My bonny biddy beggar boy" "♪ My life with you is at an end" "♪ A-ha" "♪ A-ha" "♪ Billy was a bad man hanging on a tree" "♪ Over the hills and far away" "♪ My lover came to me" "♪ Baggy hand, baggy hand" "♪ Hold my baggy hand, she said" "♪ Baggy hand, baggy hand" "♪ Hold my baggy hand, she said" "♪ Billy was a bad man hanging on a tree" "♪ Over the hills and far away" "♪ My lover came to me. ♪" "Thank you, Lisa Howells and Idris, for that beautiful song." "I'm sure Daddy would have loved it." "I don't think so." "And now the address, read by Daddy's twin brother, Uncle Hugh Simpson." "Thank you, everyone, for coming here today." "I know that my brother was very loved in his community and will be sorely missed." "I knew my brother for 82 happy years." "He was seven minutes older than me, and as he was always fond of saying..." "I once challenged him about this." "I said, "Daddy, don't you think your calculations" ""are a little... exaggerated, shall we say?"" "And with a wry smile, and a twinkle in his eye, he simply replied," "Aye, he said that to me once, the cheeky bugger!" "Mysterious, witty, charming and dry..." "Loving father of Paula, of course." "Father-in-law to Dai." "Friends, let us think..." "Sorry... not of this not as this as a sad day, but as a day to rejoice, to remember with love..." "This is the house of God!" "Right, let's all calm down a minute, shall we?" "How could you?" "How could you be so bloody useless?" "!" "I'm sorry, OK?" "But in all fairness to me," "I asked you if you wanted to look at him before I lidded him up and you said no!" "Great, so it's MY fault now, is it?" "I was grieving!" "My father was dead!" "Always carry it with me." "Just in case." "OK, let's get Daddy out of the coffin, and over to AE for a check up." "Bobby, you take Paula and Dai home and get a stiff drink down them." "I'm not going ANYWHERE with that patricidal wanker!" "He could have been burnt to a crisp!" "I think you're forgetting something quite vital here, Paula." "Daddy's actually alive." "Oh, yeah!" "Nice one!" "Thank you." "Really weird, seein' the two of them together like that." "Well, the whole day's been weird, let's face it." "Yeah..." "So, given that Daddy's no longer dead, and that Paula no longer needs you, and that the kids are all OK with it..." "Will you and me be watching an in-flight movie together this Saturday on the 1730 to Vancouver?" "It's a date." "Good." "Then you'd better start thinking about packing." "You won't need one of these in business class." "That's what I said." "It's from..." "Aunty Brenda." "Yeah." "Nadine said she've done your room up all nice over your dad's." "I've made a calendar thing to mark off the days you're away." "Have you?" "Mam, are you gonna be alright over there?" "In Canada?" "Cos you've never really been abroad." "Oh, shut up!" "I went to Belgium once, on a school trip." "And me and Aunty Paula took Luke to Jersey for a week, when he was three." "But what if you get lost or somethin'?" "I hate thinking' about you bein' lost." "Or scared..." "You would ring me, wouldn't you?" "Yeah." "Of course." "Now..." "You gonna help me blow some balloons up for tonight?" "This'll do for one of them!" "My - that is a big case." "I'm not sure they'll let you take all of that to Blake Hall." "So... shall we get going, then?" "Hey, come on now - what did we say?" "I don't want to go, Dad." "I know, son." "Don't make a scene, Little Alan." "It's easier for everyone if you come quietly." "He's not getting arrested, for Christ's sake!" "Stay out of this, Alan." "Little Alan, get in the car." "No." "Get in the bloody car!" "No!" "Dad" " I don't wanna go." "I want to live with you." "If you make me go, I'll just run away and come back here." "And I'll keep running away and I'll keep coming back here." "Just like that girl did in the film." "You don't even like me." "Nor does Keith." "Keith has never even spoken to me." "Never!" "Now you're talkin' utter tripe." "Little Alan, I'll say it one more time - get in the bloody car." "Ow!" "You...!" "Hey!" "That's enough." "Well, honestly, he'd drive Mother Teresa to distraction." "Melissa" " Little Alan is staying with me." "And if you want to call the police, then you call 'em." "Cos I don't care about the law." "I only care about my boy." "And as far as I'm concerned, you make my boy very, very unhappy." "And you should be ashamed of yourself." "Now, get out." "You haven't heard the last of this." "Thanks, Batman." "Anytime, Robin." "There's more beer here, if anyone wants it." "Aye, go on." " Aw, can I have one?" "No!" " Honestly, Jas, you should sign up for college an' all!" "It'll be a laugh!" "I mean, do you really wanna work in a shop the rest of your life?" "You sound like my dad now." "Well maybe he's right." "Not all men are stupid, y'know." "Mind you don't burn yourself on that plate." "I like the apron, by the way." "Oh, put her down." "You'll have plenty of time for all that when you're traipsing through the Rockies in your hiking boots." "It's not gonna be easy " "Lenny's never gonna stop tryin' to mess things up for us." "Wouldn't you rather be with someone who haven't got no complications?" "Are you kiddin' me?" "I love your complications." "And I love you." "Do you?" "Fuck, yeah." "Jack's havin' a little grizzle, presh." "You might wanna go and check on him." "Thanks, yeah, I will." "Be in now, babe." "Aw..." "She's a lovely girl, Lukey." "Yeah." "She is." "And a good job I found her, seein' as my mother's abandoning' me!" "You don't really see it like that, do you?" "No, you idiot!" "I'd never forgive you if you didn't go." "You know you're the best mother in the world don't you?" "Officially." "Do you...?" "Yes." "I do." "Dai, mun, look what you're doin'!" "It's expensive stuff, that." "Sorry." "Right, I'm not bein' funny, but will you two just get your arses in gear and make up?" "Cos quite frankly, we've all had a gutsful of your antics and life's too short." "You clearly love him, and he clearly loves you, stop twattin' about and get back together." "Oh, here we go." "Thanks." "Erm..." "Well, get on with it then, Rob Morgan, we haven't got all night." "Well, I know I wasn't everyone's favourite person when I came back in the summer..." "You can say that again." "Oh, shut up - you weren't even here last summer." "But in true Pontyberry style, you all seem to have shut the door on the past and made me feel very welcome." "And I'm very grateful to you for that." "The thing is, before, I had no family to speak of, and now I do." "But more than that... more than that, I've got Stella back." "And I really never thought that'd be possible." "So thank you for letting me take her to Canada." "I promise to look after her and to make sure she gets the happiness she so completely deserves." "To the only girl I've ever truly loved." "To Stella." "Stella." "To Stella." "Stella." "Oh, hello." "She's still walking the dog." "Is she?" "You should see her suitcase - it's bulging'." "It nearly didn't shut." "I think I'll go and find her." "Hey Rob - are you excited?" "Yeah..." "I'm not coming, Rob." "I can't." "I've lived here so much longer than you." "All the more reason to leave." "All the more reason to stay." "Look, I think I know how you're feeling." "Canada's new and it's frightening - but you've got me." "And I'll look after you." "When you get out there, I promise you'll love it." "That's what I'm scared of." "Come for a holiday, then." "Why waste the flights?" "Just come for a fortnight..." "That's what I'm sayin'." "If I come..." "At least give it a chance." "Even for one day, I'll end up wanting to stay." "Because I love you SO much Rob." "And I'd see the life we could have had together... and I couldn't bear that." "I belong here." "Paula's right - everything I've ever known is here in this stupid, lovely, annoying, gorgeous place." "And my kids, Rob..." "My kids." "I'm too old to start again." "I thought I'd won you back." "You did." "You have." "If you stay, if you move back to Pontyberry," "I will settle down with you and become Mrs Robert Morgan, with a happy heart and grow decrepit with you." "Just say the word." "But I can't live here, Stella." "And I can't leave here, Rob." "I'm sorry." "Where is it, then?" "Where?" "There, you idiot." "Aw, Rob!" "It'll stay there for ever, that will, won't it?" "Yeah." "Yeah, it will."