"At the risk of sounding positive, I love it when it rains in suburbia." "You don't have to water." "It's already watering." "At the risk of sounding negative, people out here are stupid." "And wasteful." "Do you guys think about how much food we waste?" "It's not food." "It's garbage." "But it's not." "Look." "She's digging through the trash." "See?" "A perfectly good apple." "You can still eat it." "You do eat, don't you?" "We eat." " I feel bloated." " Let's walk it off." "Yeah." "Go burn off that mint." "I think I had proven my point." "I'd also proven that the 5-second rule is too generous when it comes to produce from the trash." "So, Tessa, things good?" "You settling in?" "Making friends?" "No unwanted pregnancies I should know about?" "Nope." "I am without baby." "Great, then I will mark you down as counseled and we'll have another interaction in two more months." "Works for me." "You know, this kind of complacency really ticks me off." " What?" " I asked for chicken and stars not chicken and rice." " It's a pandemic." " Cafeteria incompetence?" "Wastefulness." "You guys throw out a lot of food." "That soup was wrong." "If it was right, I would have eaten it." "Totally." "I'm just saying, people who throw out rice for not being stars might have more than they actually need." " I see." " So maybe the school could donate the extra food to the needy." "The needy." "Is that with a Y or an I-E?" "The needy?" "They're with a Y." "Needy." " People who need." " Need." "Food, clothing, help." "Tessa, do you know what this is?" " A dramatic mood shift?" " Teachable moment." "A cause that the students can get involved in, and you can spearhead." " I don't spearhead." " Impromptu assembly poignant video presentation, soulful soundtrack." "Maybe early Sarah McLachlan." "Colorful, stretchy awareness bracelets." "I love it." "We got the towel warmers." "We got a heated floor." "We got the bidet." "That's for Jill, though she never uses it, though she should." " Though I wish you hadn't shared that." " We got the infinity bathtub." "We got the Japanese talking toilet." "And then this is the star of the show." "Walk-in steam shower with multiple heads." "Plus, one that cleans your undercarriage." "I'm talking squeaky clean." "What can I say?" "It's a killer bathroom." "Yes, she is." "Do you know the one thing she's missing?" " Modesty?" " A skylight." "That's why I called you." "Yeah, but I'm really trying to focus on new builds and renovations." " But you're the skylight king." " Not a title I chose." "No, that is a title you earned." "I put in one skylight for Dallas." "Skylight king." "It's not like you're gonna be working for some taskmaster." "You're gonna be working for me, your friend." " Okay." " All right." "Let's build you a skylight." "Well, thank you, my liege." "Thank you." "Yes." "Oh, yes." "The king grows weary." "Away." "Why are you throwing away that food?" "You have not eaten it yet." "I had my lunch." "This was leftover." "All leftovers go into the trash." "Yes, however, there is still plenty of good food on your plate." "Who are you, the fascist food police?" "Let's get fired up." "Together we can feed the world." "I think we all got the message here today." "We have a problem, right here in Chatswin." "And if it weren't for the courage of a certain redheaded bear we wouldn't even be talking about it." "I give you that bear." "I give you Tessa Altman." "Come on down." "Um..." "Hey, try not to waste so much food." "Questions and comments." "Questions and comments." "Questions or comments?" "Ahem." " Dalia?" "Okay, so one time I was on vacation, right?" "And I walked outside my hotel to where the locals live and I saw things." " So, what did you see?" " Suffering." "Endless suffering." "Their hair was so frizzy." "Their hair?" "Yeah." "The humidity in Orlando is brutal and their skin was jacked up." "You guys, people are dying over there." " We need to help them." " What can we do?" " They're not dying." " Where is Orlando?" "Our gardener's name is Orlando." "Guys, the people of Florida are fine." "Trust me." "They have the Everglades and assisted living." " We should raise money for them." " Yeah." "No." "Down." "We should send them Clarisonic face brushes." "They're really good for your complexion." " Mr. Wolfe?" " She's not wrong." "They are really good for your complexion." "So it's decided." "Chatswin High school's first semiannual "Florida Clarisonic face brush fund-raiser."" "And here's the girl that made it all happen." "Tessa Altman." "Okay, that's that." "Anybody home?" "Hello?" "Whoo!" "Mm." "Hello." "Wow, you ain't kidding." " Whoa!" " Aah!" "Holy crap!" "Aah!" "Ow." "Tessa." " Huh!" "Can you believe it?" "Look what you started?" "But it's ridiculous." "You realize that, right, Mr. Wolfe?" "I mean, we're helping people with oily skin?" "Oh, my gosh." "You are so right." "People, listen up." "We cannot just target Floridians with oily skin." "We must also reach out to those with combination and dry skin." "Spread the word." " Good catch, boss." " Uh..." "There she is, the girl that's gonna save Florida." "One face at a time." "That's the spirit, and I should know." "I have run over 100 charities in my time." "Everything from air beds for the homeless to air beds for the elderly." "My brother-in-law sells air beds." "Well, have at it because I'm out." "Wait." "What do you mean, you're out?" "You're the leader." "You're the face of Florida's face." "I mentioned to Mr. Wolfe that maybe we should donate uneaten food to people who need it." "Dalia is the one who made it about pores." "Yes, but Dalia's talents are better served elsewhere." "She's more of a muse." "But you, you're the worker bee, getting your hands all filthy dirty hauling things with your filthy, dirty hands." "We need you." "The people of Florida need you." "Now, I brought these deli platters for the volunteers." " How do they look?" " Like a lot of thin meat." "You're right, I did get them prepackaged and on sale." "Maybe I should dump them." "Yeah, I'm gonna dump them." "And that's when I realized there was no saving these people." "They're gonna do what they're gonna do." "There's no point in getting my hands dirty." "Unless it was for deli meat." "There she is, right along the 29 premolar." "Oh, and a slight occlusal on 28." "Very good, Cindy, and look at all this tartar buildup." "And see how dull the surfaces are?" "I bet he's a grinder." "What are you trying to do, put me out of a job?" "No, no." "If I couldn't work for you..." " Guys, please." " Oh, sorry, buddy." "I'm just consulting with Cindy." "Well, you cracked it, all right." "Good news is, it's above the gumline." "It's called a oblique supragingival fracture." "That's what Wikipedia calls it." "I have no idea what it is." "Because it's..." "He's teasing." "He knows." "I do." "I know." "Noah, man, I'm dying here." "Please." "I'm sorry." "I'm gonna recommend a crown." "We can dig it out today, do an impression so you have a temp..." "Easy peasy, extra cheesy." "If it's extra cheesy, I guess we should do it." "All right, a crown for the skylight king." "Water fountain smells like patchouli." "Oh, you should see his waiting room." "It is a joke." "He has a massage table." "There's, like, rows of different flavors of iced tea." "Maybe I can weaponize it and, bam, kill a guy." "What?" "You're going dark on me." "All the people I go to school with are morons, and I'm guilty by association." " I give up." " You're too young to give up." "I am the head of the stupidest charity known to mankind." "That first part sounded impressive." "You're the head." "Look, if people are looking to you as a leader then lead." "You got the attention of morons?" "Do something smart with it." "How?" "All they care about is how they look or what they drive, or how they look in what they drive." "Can't blame them for being a product of their environment." "They know what they know." "They live in a bubble." "I am loving this deli." "George was right." "These people were living in a bubble and maybe it was up to me to pop it, like a pimple on a Floridian's back." "Ahem." "Hey." "So you guys know how you live in this sort of bubble?" "This bubble of ignorance?" "It's not your fault that you live there." "It's just, you haven't been exposed to much." "I have." "I used to live outside the bubble." "So today I'm going to expose you to something that I grew up with every day." "Gladys?" "This is Gladys." "She's a homeless man that lived on my street." "She's a man?" "How does that work?" " Let me take this one." " Okay." "Basically, you just tuck everything in." "See, not everybody is getting their teeth whitened or going to the mall, or overwatering their lawn." "Some people, like me and Gladys, understand that there are people out there that don't have everything they need." "Some people have nothing and live on the street." "West 14th, to be exact." "Gladys and I aren't trying to make you feel bad." "We're just trying to show you that there are real problems out there worth focusing on." "Problems more severe than bad skin or oily hair." "So the next time you're about to throw out $85 worth of deli meat maybe you'll think twice because there are people in need and they're a lot closer than Florida." "Thank you." "What?" "What?" "Oh!" "Twenty-six hundred dollars for a crown?" "Hey, I don't set the prices." "It's your practice." "That's true." "But what did you expect, that I wasn't gonna charge you at all?" "No, I assumed you were going to give me a discount." "I mean, I gave you a break on your skylight." "I didn't assume that." "Thanks for the discount." "This is not how friends treat each other, Noah." "Friends give each other a deal." "No, friends do their very best work for one another and the best costs money." "I'm not the one who decided to strip naked and take my shower for a spin." "I had to give my maid the day off." "She was so freaked out." "Oh, gee, I'm really sorry about that." "Who's gonna cube your pineapple for you?" "I'm allergic to pineapple." "If you were a friend, you'd know." "For the record, I was gonna give you a discount but I didn't wanna insult you, so if you want, go ahead, cut it in half." " Make it zero." " That is very noble of you." "Appreciate it, but I don't need your charity." "Wait, but, look, why was I expecting a "thank you"?" "You know what?" "Strong and wrong, just like always." "Strong and wrong?" "I don't know what that means." "I'm George and I'm strong, and blah, blah, blah, but I'm wrong." "You know what?" "Good luck with that hole in your roof." "Looks like rain." "Good luck sipping cold beverages." "So when Gladys says she tucks everything in what exactly does that mean?" "What does she tuck?" "Gladys is a dude." "She's a man." "Oh, right." "Right." "I had become their cause du jour." "What's going on?" "We heard you, Tessa." "We heard you loud and clear, and we're not worried about Florida any more." "We're worried about you." "We know you ate that rank meat." "The picture you painted of your life with the homeless..." "Devastating." "But you're in Chatswin now and Chatswin takes care of its own." "Come here, you brave thing." "Somehow I had sent two wrong messages." "One, that I was in need and, two, that it was okay to touch me." "That night, George discovered what I already knew." "We'd become a charity case." "So here's some canned bisque some Egyptian cotton hand towels, an air multiplier." "We ordered two, one for the cabana, but you need it more." "Yeah." "You ate that rank meat." "Have you been talking to Noah?" "Because I'm going to take care of that bill." "Oh, George." "I would add you to my dental plan if I could, but I can't." "So I brought you a professional "double Belgian waffle maker."" "Go on." "Take it." "It makes two at once." "We know you need this, George." "We all heard Tessa's speech and we met her transsexual homeless friend." "Gladys?" "You brought Gladys?" "I didn't bring Gladys, no." "She took Metro-North." "And, Tessa, Dalia has something for you." "Dalia." "Here." "I stole this from the mall." "It's not my color." "Used lip gloss." "Wow, I don't know what to say." "I do." "Thank you for stopping by our shanty." " We'll see you around the soup kitchen." " Oh, okay." "God bless." "God bless you." "Dad, I'm so sorry." "When I told you to focus your charity on a good cause, did you decide on us?" "I swear that wasn't my intention." "I will throw this all out." "Throw it out?" "No." "What?" "I was just about to go make some Belgian waffles and multiply some air." "Ow." " What?" " I just wanted to bring this by." "It's a pocket Jesus." "I thought maybe during the hard times, it would help you see the light." "It's also alight." "Oh." "Come in." "It's just, people have been coming by all night with the most ridiculous junk." "I mean, look at this." "A soda maker." "A snow cone machine?" "Who in the world could possibly want any of this stuff?" "A snow cone machine?" "Thought you had to have a license to own one of these." "That's when it hit me." "One man's trash is another man's treasure." "And just because I didn't appreciate this stuff didn't mean there wasn't somebody on West 14th Street who would." ""Funtastic."" "Hey, Gladys." "You got another one." "Oh, thank you, baby." "Oh, snap." "A lighted bocce ball set." "This is all kinds of wonderful." "Thank you, Lord." "Thank you." "I knew you were allergic." "Just trying to make a point." "Trying to make me feel like an ass?" "Look, I'm sorry I blew up at you." "I'm busting my butt out here trying to establish myself and then I get this huge bill from you, after you brag about your infinity tub and your talking toilet, which I still don't even understand." "No, I get it." "I get it." "Maybe I was showing off, but you're a tough man to compete with, George." " Are we in competition?" " No." "I mean, back in college, you were the guy." "You got invited to all the great parties." "You got all the hot chicks." "Alissa Berlinger was hot, but I don't know about the rest of them." "Okay, maybe some of them were hot, but come on, man." "You got Jill." "Yeah, I got Jill." "I did." "I just felt like people gave you crap for hanging out with me." "They did." "But I'm sure people out here give you crap for hanging out with me." "I'm like the village idiot or something." "Village idiot?" "No." "It's just you're poorer than everyone else and some people question your ethnicity." "Come on." "Let's put all of this behind us, all right?" "Let's fix that tooth." "Wait, wait." "So we're good?" "We're good." "I'm serious, Noah." "I don't want you to work on me if you're still angry." "What's a little fear between friends?" "Smoothie?" "I didn't put ice in it." "I know your mouth's still a little sensitive." "Hey." " Look at me." "You are a good person." " Mm." "Doubtful." "What did I accomplish?" "I sent a homeless lady man countertop appliances and she doesn't even have a countertop." "Yeah, but you also made a group of very self-obsessed people care about someone other than themselves, and that's huge." " I guess it is." " Yes, it is." "And it was you they decided to care about and I know why because you are a sweet lady and you have a smart heart on your holders." "I'm on pain medication." "I know, Dad." "Whoa." "I know." " Go to sleep, okay?" " Mm-hm." "Heh." "Sleep." "Sleep." "Gladys?" "Hey, girl." "Just wanted to thank you for the blessings." "I sold most of that crap you sent me and used the money to buy a tent." "So if you ever need a place to stay in the city, girl, call me." "I also bought a cell phone which has made turning tricks a whole lot easier." "Good looking out, Gladys." "I can't believe he has her own stationery."