"Before we start, we would like to remind viewers that at this time of year, when a lot of people leave windows open, a television set or a radio set playing full blast can be a great irritation to your neighbours." "Another good way to irritate them is to set fire to their dustbins." "(DRUM ROLL AND CYMBAL CLASH)" "(DRUM ROLL AND XYLOPHONE NOTE)" "(DRUM ROLL AND CYMBAL CLASH)" "Room for one on top, sir." "(FAST TICK-TOCK)" " Morning, Miss Armitage." " Good morning, Mr Armstrong." " Anything for me this morning?" " No, nothing at the moment, Mr Armstrong." "In that case, I'll just, er...dive out and have a coffee." "Righto." "Mornin'." " Oh, er...good morning, Your Grace." " Morning." "Bit parky this morning, innit, flock?" "It is...it is a trifle chilly, Your Grace." "Chilly?" "It's brass monkeys, innit, flock?" " I'm a bishop, you know." " Yes." "This is the proper..." "Yeah." "This is proper bishops' clobber, this, the real gear." "None of your tat, no schmatte." "Feel that, son." "Real silk." "That's the real gear." "Real silk, son." "God bless you all." "Any unbelievers here?" " Pardon?" " I said, any unbelievers here?" " Atheists, agnostics, Hindus, that lot." "You know." " (OTHERS) No, no." " What are you, son?" " Church of England." "Good for you, mate!" "Yeah, good for you, son!" " What about you, mate?" " Roman Catholic." "Roman Catholic." "Yeah." "That's one to them, one to us." "Well, it's all down to him, innit?" "All down to him." "'Alf a crown says he's C of E, right?" " I don't actually indulge..." " I tell you what I'll do." "Six to four on he's C of E, Jew, no bet, and I'll throw in a few indulgences for free." "There you are." "Can't say fairer than that." " All right?" "You on?" " Yes." "Right." "What are you, son?" "I'm an agnostic." " You what?" " I'm an agnostic." " You stupid git!" " I..." "I'm sorry, Your Grace." "You stupid git, you get up there, tell him you're an agnostic, he'll smash your teeth in!" "In his infinite mercy." "Tell you what..." "Tell you what." "If I can convert him before we get to Swindon, you still on?" "No?" "All right, all right." "Forget it, gentlemen." "We'll have a little service." "Hold me snout." "Thank you, brother." "Just get the case out..." "Right, nice little service." "How about an hymn, then, eh?" "Fancy an hymn?" "Cop for a book, son." "And you." "There you go, son, one for you." "Right." "How about hymn number 42, "'Oly, 'Oly, 'Oly"?" "All the 'olies, 42." "All right." " Well?" "A-one, a-two..." " I don't know the tune of this one." " You what?" " I don't know it." "That's all right, son, I'll lead you in, then." "All right?" "One, a-two!" "(PLAYS STRANGLED "HOLY, HOLY, HOLY")" ""Lord God Almighty." Come on, then." "(OTHERS BLEAT) # Lord God Almighty #" " You can sing louder than that!" "Come on!" " (THEY SING FEEBLY)" "Take the plate round, son, will you?" "# Lord God Almighty... #" "Hey!" "Hey, hey, hey." "Hold it." "Shtum." "Oi, you." "Your mate give sixpence and he's an atheist!" "You ought to give half a dollar." "You're a bloody member, son!" "I've just about had enough!" "It's obvious to any fool that you're not a bishop!" "What do you think I am, then, bloody Bo-Peep?" "And what's this, a bleedin' crash helmet?" "Course I'm a bishop." " Your Grace, you don't look like a bishop." " And you don't behave like one!" "That's nice (!" ") That's charming, that is." "That's class discrimination." "Nothing to do with class!" "You're not a bishop!" "I am a bloody bishop!" "I'm a working-class bishop." " Ask him where his diocese is." "Go on!" " That is true." "Where is your diocese?" "I'm not answering trick questions." "Where are you bishop of?" "Well, I'm the bishop of, er..." "no fixed abode, in't I?" "You've got to be bishop of somewhere." "All right, I'm bishop of this train, then, in't I?" "The Cheltenham Express." " Not stopping at Tewkesbury (!" ")" " Exactly." " Can you be a bishop of a train?" " Of course not!" "He's an impostor!" "Get out!" "He says he can't be bishop of a train." "No need to get nasty, gentlemen!" "No need to get nasty." "God bless you all, and may you rot in hell." "Yeah?" "Is this the "Sunday Blast", the paper that rips the lid off?" " Yeah, come in." " I'm Globb." "Would you like to rip my lid off?" " How exactly do you mean?" " Are you interested in sex in the suburbs?" "Yes, but I promised the wife I'd be home by seven." "Er...what I meant was, would you like to buy my story?" "I am a twilight person." "You can expose me for £20,000." "All right, what is your story?" "It is the story of how I left my wife and 14 children in a slum caravan in Romford to live in sin with a scarlet woman up at Ponders End." "It is the story of how I give midnight nudie bathing parties off my private yacht moored off the millionaires' playground of Grimsby." "It is the story of how I set up a harem fit to rival that of the ill-famed despot Harun al-Rashid." "It is the story of how I bought forbidden love and paid the price." "Are you interested?" "Yes, that sounds as though it's worth £20,000." "When did this happen?" "Oh, it hasn't yet, but if you give me the money, I'm willing to start..." "(MELANCHOLY GUITAR)" "(CHURCH BELLS PEAL)" " (CLANK) - (BELL CLANGS)" "(GLASS SMASHES)" "(WHISTLE)" "(GROAN)" "(GULP)" "(PLUMMETING WHISTLE)" "Mademoiselle, would you mind if I painted you in the nude?" " Of course not." " All right, thank you." " Er...are you open?" " Well, yes, it says so on the door." " We saw that, but we thought it might be a trap." " A trap, yeah." " May we come in?" " Yes." "Please come in." " We're not disturbing you, are we?" " Not at all." "Come right in." "Why did you do that?" " We wanted to see the travel agent." " The travel agent." "I AM the travel agent." " (BOTH YELP)" " Are you?" "Where's your hat, then?" "Frightening people like that!" "What hat?" "The hat with "travel agent" written on it." "You might be anybody." "You might be a murderer." "No, 'cause then I'd have a hat with "murderer" on it, wouldn't I (?" ")" "Oh, yes, so you would." "How can I help?" "My wife and I would like to see the Edinburgh Festival." " Edinburgh Festival." " Edinburgh Festival." "How would you like to go?" " Sorry, could you repeat that question?" " Yes." "How would you like to travel?" " Don't know." " Neither do I. What's the answer?" "I am not asking you a riddle, madam, I am seeking information." "Do you want to go by train, plane or coach?" " (BOTH) No." " No what?" "!" " Thank you." " That's be..." " I mean, no, what?" " Definitely not, we don't want to travel." "No." " But you've GOT to travel!" " Don't you order me about, young man!" "Look, you want to see the Edinburgh Festival." " Yes, we want to see the Edinburgh Festival." " Edinburgh Festival." "Therefore you have got to travel to Edinburgh." " Why?" " Answer that, young man, you're so clever." "Because Edinburgh is the only place that HAS an Edinburgh Festival." "Isn't there one in London?" "No, there isn't!" " Look, look, look!" " Look!" "I fought in the First World War!" "Yes, he did, and he was wounded!" "Had his brain blown out." " Brain blown out." " That is as may be!" "Neverthe... (LOWERS VOICE) Nevertheless, Edinburgh is the only place that has got an Edinburgh Festival." "Look, look, look!" "I was on the Jarrow March!" "Yes, yes, his nostrils went raw!" " Raw!" "Look at 'em!" " Look!" "Look!" "I cannot move Edinburgh!" " Look, look, look, look!" " Look!" "Look!" "She was wounded in the Second World War." "A V-2 hit her on the head." " Yeah, right on the head!" " Right on the head, look!" "I don't believe it." "Tell that to the young, they'd run you over in their sports cars." " All the thanks we get!" " Thanks." "Look, you stupid old fools, I can't shift Edinburgh!" " Stupid old fools?" " There's gratitude." " He died in the war for people like you!" " Yes, I did." " He and Arthur Stoatbury." " Arthur, yes." " Arthur Stoatbury (!" ")" " He was a gentleman!" "Arthur was, and a murderer." "He wouldn't have stood for it." "He'd have bitten your throat out!" " He would've done." "He was a gentleman." " He was." "He made the finest vanilla blancmange outside of Leamington." "And I'll tell you one thing, he could juggle with rats!" "Yeah, he could!" "Well, thank you." " And we won't forget the mattress." " (LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)" " (LAUGHING)" " That was fun, wasn't it?" " Yeah." "Now let's go and destroy the grocer." " Right." "Good evening." "Welcome to the charming village of Gesprichtebrösse in the Bavarian Alps, where the local wine-treading festival is in full swing." "You've joined us just in time to see one of the most colourful parts of the festival, the traditional Gesprichtebrösse wine-treading dance." "(FLOURISH ON HARPSICHORD )" "(HONKY-TONK MUSIC ON HARPSICHORD )" "(MUSIC SPEEDS UP)" "Hoy!" "Excuse me, sir, there's a Mr Cartwright waiting to see you, sir." "He's come about a mortgage." " Well, has he an appointment?" " Yes, he phoned up yesterday." " Well, send him in." " Yes, sir." "(BELLS JINGLING)" " Morning." " Morning." "Do sit down." "Thank you." "I'll just finish signing..." " Who are you?" " Cartwright." "George Cartwright." "I've come to see you about a mortgage." "Excuse me asking, but are you an actor of some sort?" "Oh, no, I'm a gnome." " Oh." "And you want a mortgage?" " Yes." "I suppose there's no reason why not." " Mr Cartwright..." " (JINGLING)" "Wha..." "What, er...what's your occupation?" "Er...garden gnome." "I can hardly put that on a proposal form." "How do you make your money?" "Oh, well, I weave magic spells by the light of the full moon to transmute base metal into gold." "Ah." "Yes." "Erm..." "Night-worker in a metal factory." "How would that do?" "Now, er...this...this property, what is it?" "Er...the Magic Oak Tree, Dingly Dell." " It's, er...it's a pub?" " No." " No." "It's a...?" " Tree." " Magic Oak Tree." "In Dingly Dell." " In Dingly Dell, yes." " Where...where is Dingly Dell?" " Wonderland." "I know you'll think me a fool for asking, but where exactly is Wonderland?" "Er...at the rainbow's end, just along the A38, and turn right." " Fine." " It's near Bristol." "That's fine." "Thank you very much indeed." "And, erm...so you are a night-worker in a metal factory and you, er...want to purchase a ma...erm... a property, shall we call it?" "A property near Bristol." " Now, what is the value of the property?" " 40 bags of acorns." "Roughly what would that be, er...in sterling?" "Well, let's see, invested at 4.5%... (MUTTERS)" " About £5,000." " £5,000." " Is it a good neighbourhood?" " Oh, very nice, very nice." " Could you be a little more specific?" " Yes." "Well, er..." "Tim the badger lives in the Creaky Hollow and a couple of pixies have moved into the hollow tree, the Wobbly Tree in Shiner's Meadow." "The weasels may be moving out of the Whistling Warren." "I see." "Well, I thi... (CLEARS THROAT)" "I think we could describe that as an improving area." " Oh, yes." " Especially if the weasels leave." " If the weasels go, yes." " I won't put that down." "I don't see what the problem is." "I'm just a common or garden gnome wanting a mortgage on a magic tree." "Yes, I mean, I know that, Mr Cartwright, and you know that, but other people..." "Let me put it this way." "You're a..." "You're a night-worker in a metal factory who wants to purchase a £5,000...property in an improving area." " Put like that, and only like that..." " Only that." " ..we may be able to help you." " Thank you." "I shall have to ask the managing director, and when he arrives, if you could remember NOT to mention Tim the badger or wobbly trees or weasels..." " Ooh, I'd better not mention the weasels." " Especially not." " Fine." "I'll give the managing director a call." " OK." "Er...this is Mr Cartwright, sir." "How do you do?" "I've come to see you about a mortgage." "Welcome to Membley and the international match between England and Paraguay." "The teams are going out onto the pitch to be presented." "And yes, here she is now, accompanied by the unmistakable figure of her husband." "Bona fortuna." " Jiménez." " Bona fortuna." " Rodríguez." " Bona fortuna." " Pérez." " Bona fortuna." " Queso." " Bona fortuna." "Bona fortuna." "No!" "Stop!" " Grimaldi." " Bona fortuna." "Grimaldi." " Fuentes." " Bona fortuna." " Gekko..." "Gekko." " Bona fortuna..." "Ah, scusi, lady." "Good evening." "Bona fortuna." "I say...parlez anglais?" "(CROWD BOOING)" "(CHEERING)" "(WHISTLE BLOWS)" "(WHISTLE)" "I'm afraid we must leave Membley Stadium now, but edited highlights of the action can be seen later tonight at the Erotica Cinema Club, Soho." "Goodnight." "(GROWLING)" " (QUACKING) - (MOOING)" "(SQUAWKING)" " (BLEATING) - (GRUNTING)" "(WHISTLING AND SQUAWKING)" " (QUACKING) - (MOOING)" " How many animals have you got in there?" " Just the one." " (MOOING) - (SQUAWKING)" " It's a thing." " Oh." "It followed me home." "I didn't have the heart to send it away." "You know how attached you get to them." "Yes." " Is it...is it tame?" " Oh, er...up to a point." "(YAPPING AND SNARLING)" " W...what is it?" " What?" " What is it?" " Well, to be frank, I'm not quite sure." "I looked him up in the cattle breeders' guide." "He wasn't in there." "I looked in the "Standard Book Of British Birds"." "He wasn't in there either." "I finally found him in the "Book Of Revelations"." "(HOWLING)" "Yes. "Book Of Revelations"." "They, er..." "venerated him in ancient times, you know." "They worshipped him as a god." "I'm very fond of him, but I don't worship him." " (PIGLIKE SQUEALING)" " Oi!" "Oi!" " (BRAYING)" " Dirty thing!" "You'll go deaf!" "I think he's getting a bit, er...restless in the basket, you know." "I think he wants to have a little scamper round, go walkies." " Do you think I ought to let him out?" " No!" "No, probably not a good idea." "He might disgrace hisself." "Besides, there's the palaver of unchaining him." " Why did you bring him in?" " He's got a touch of the beacon hoof." " Beacon hoof?" " Yes, he's been off his food." "He won't touch his din-dins." " What do you feed him?" "!" " He's not fussy." "He likes owls." " Owls?" " Yes." "Look at him ruffle his scales when I say "owls"." " (BELLOWS)" " Look at his little red eye glisten." "He'd love you." "Who's gonna have his owls when he gets home, then?" "(HOWLING)" "That's it, you see." "I'd like a litter from him." "Or a clutch." "Yeah." "I put him out to stud, but none of the other animals seemed that keen." " (SHRIEKING)" " Quiet!" "Hey, quiet!" " (CHITTERING)" " Oi!" "Shut up!" "See, that's it, he wants his din-dins." "And I've come out without an owl about me." "You don't happen to have an owl you don't want?" "No, I don't seem to have one about me, no." "Er...do you want that budgie?" "I..." "No, no, no." "It's not a good idea for him to have snacks between meals." " (SHRIEKING)" " Quiet!" "Could I borrow your umbrella?" "Thank you very much." "(GROWLING)" "(GRUNTING AND CHOMPING)" "(BURP)" " (GROWLING)" " Would you, eh...?" "Aaah!" "Aaaah!" "Aaaah!" "(SNARLING)" "He always gets a bit playful this time of year." " Next!" " Would you mind if I went next?" " He might turn nasty." " Please, you go on ahead." "Don't take it to him, he don't know nothing about 'em." "Come on." "Good afternoon." "Er...it's my wife's birthday today, you see, and I thought a bunch of daffs..." " Mr Philips will serve you, sir." " Thank you." "Er..." "Mr Philips?" "I'd like to buy a nice bunch of daffs." "It's my wife's birthday..." " Oh, daffodils." " Yes." " I think we can arrange that." "Thank you." " (CHOKES AND GURGLES)" " Oh!" "Oh, dear..." "Erm...miss, excuse me, only..." "Mr Philips seems to have an arrow in his chest and there was this man who..." "Oh." "Er...hello?" "Mr Philips?" "Er...shop?" "Hello?" "Could I have some service, please?" "Where's he gone?" "Mr Philips?" " (INSECTS AND BIRDS CHIRP)" " Hello?" "Shop?" "(SQUAWKING)" " (GROWLING)" " Could I have some service, please?" "(MAN) Move, bwana!" "Hello." "Erm..." "I wonder if you can help me." "Er..." "I'd like to buy a nice bunch of daffs." " Daffs?" " Daffs." " (THEY TALK IN OWN LANGUAGE)" " No daffs here." "(TALKS IN OWN LANGUAGE)" "Yes, I know..." "I know..." " I know, but I'm looking for a nice bunch of..." " (WAILS IN OWN LANGUAGE)" "Yes, yes." "Er...what...what's he saying?" "The men will go no further, bwana." "The gods are angry." "Why?" "White man come in many silver birds and make wavy line on my television set." " Listen to the drums!" " What drums?" " Cue drums!" " (STEADY TRIBAL DRUMS)" "Oh, THOSE drums." "What do they say?" "Latest flash." "Cowdrey out." "Caught behind the wicket." "Go back!" "Flee before it's too late, white man!" "Yes, only..." "I wanted to buy some daffs, and I thought..." "Oh...he's gone." "Oh." "Er...service?" "Shop?" " Shop?" "Shop?" "Shop?" " (DRUMBEAT)" "Could I have some service, please?" "Hello?" "Shop?" "Shop?" "Er...hello, is anybody there?" "Shop?" "Could I have some service?" " You came, then, Roger." " Eh?" " I knew you'd come back." " I beg your pardon..." " No need to explain." " I only came..." "Come, sit here by me." "Very kind of you, but I only wanted some daffs..." "And I thought if I came..." "Oh." "Oh, thank you." "You see, we haven't forgotten." " A twist of lemon, stirred, not shaken." " It's nice of you, but..." " To us!" " Oh, er...bottoms up." "I must be toddling." "Thank you..." "I only came in 'cause it was my wife's birthday... (ROMANTIC MUSIC)" "You see, Roger, I haven't forgotten." " W...what?" " Our tune." " Our tune?" "Yes." " Let's dance." "I beg your pardon?" "It's very kind of you, but I only..." "You don't know what it's like for a woman here alone." " I'm afraid I don't, because..." " It's the heat, the damned heat." " It is stuffy today." " And always, day and night, those drums." " Those damn drums." " Er...what damn drums?" "Cue damn drums!" " (TRIBAL DRUMS)" " Oh, THOSE damn drums." "Yes, what..." " Don't look at me like that." " Pardon?" " You turn my blood to fire!" " I don't mean to..." "I know it's madness, but take me in your arms." "Kiss me!" "Hold me!" "Take me, Roger!" "I only wanted a bunch of daffs, you see..." " It's all right, Jack's up the Mpopo." " I beg your pardon?" "Aha!" "So!" " Oh, Jack!" " Oh, hello, Jack." " My husband!" " Oh, how do you do?" " Damn you!" " Pardon?" "Damn you, Roger!" "Damn you, damn you, damn you!" "I should have suspected you, yet I never did, and yet I knew it was you all along!" "Damn you!" " Yes..." " Damn you, damn you, damn you!" "I turn my back and I find you with a fancy man!" " Pardon?" " He's twice the man you are!" "He's kind and considerate and understanding." "Understanding (?" ") He's nothing but a gigolo, a lounge lizard!" " We're going away together!" " I beg your pardon?" " We're going to Singapore." " Where?" "I can't." " But, Celia, damn it, I love you!" " Ha!" "You don't know the meaning of the word." "She says, "Ha, what do you know?" Can I go now?" " I gave you all this!" " He really did." "Is this the way you repay me?" "There's only one way out!" " I wish you'd tell me where it was..." " (GUNSHOT)" " (GROANS)" " Oh, dear." " (CELIA) Oh, Jack!" " (GURGLES)" "Er...would you mind holding this for a moment?" " Thank you." " Oh, my God!" "He's dead!" "Maybe I can find another assistant somewhere." " The only man I ever loved." " Oh, yes?" " Oh, Jack, speak to me, Jack!" "Speak to me!" " Er, well..." "Thanks for the drink." "I must be toddling now." "You did this!" "As surely as if it were your finger upon the trigger." " No, I only..." " You swine, Roger!" "I only wanted some daffs..." "No, no, er..." "Shop!" "Shop!" " See anything you like, sir?" " I beg..." "I beg your pardon?" " Did you see anything you like, sir?" " (STAMMERS)" "I..." "I think I'll just buy a box of chocolates." "(KETTLEDRUM FLOURISH)" "(MUSIC: "LAND OF HOPE AND GLORY" BY ELGAR)" "Très bien." "Le numéro de chambre, c'est vous qui l'avez." "Merci, monsieur." "C'est pour vous, monsieur." "(ZANY ORCHESTRAL THEME)" " Mr Globb?" " Globb." " Right." " I'm sorry I was late." " I was unavoidably detained..." " All right." " ..by circumstances beyond my control." " We're behind schedule, sir." "If you'd..." "On your left, the Houses of Parliament." "On your right, the Tower of London." "Left, Buckingham Palace." "Right, Piccadilly Circus." "Left, Trafalgar Square." "Right, Lewisham." "Left, the 'op fields of Kent." "And here's the seaside." "(SPED-UP CHATTER)" "Wait for me!" "Wait for me!" "(SPED-UP MUSIC HALL MUSIC)" "Everybody back on the coach!" "Wait for me!" "Wait for me!" "Wait for me!" "Everybody back on the coach!" "Wait for me!" "Hey!" "Wait for me!" "(SLURPING)" "(GLASS CLINKS)" "(TOILET FLUSHES)" "Everybody back on the coach!" "Wait for me!" "(SINGING)" "(SINGING)" "# Roll out the barrel... #" "Right, then, what's next?" "Tour of the Lake District, then lunch." "Still, time for a quick one first." "Come on, now." "Come along, darling." " Eat your prunes." " No." "Oh..." "They'll make 'oo big and strong." "Don't 'oo want to be big and strong?" "Look, Mum." "Don't you think it's time we faced up to it?" "I'm 53, I'm nearly an old man." "You'll always be my baby." "Who are you...who are you kidding?" "Who are you kidding?" "What is the point in going on with this shabby pretence?" "I know Teddy doesn't eat his prunes." "I tumbled that weeks ago!" "Why don't you just face up to it?" "I'm a grown man now!" "You can't...you can't keep me tied to your apron strings forever!" "I'm going to be senile before I've even been adolescent!" "All my life you've kept me locked up in this nursery." "I don't even know what the outside world looks like!" "Ah, but you wouldn't like it, dear." "It's nasty." "I let your father go out once, in 1932, and look what happened." "He never came back." "I'm not going to let that happen to you, my big baby boy." "You're all I've got left." "Oh...mwah!" "Aren't you happy with your mummy?" "And all your little friends?" "There's Teddy and Golly and Herbert the duck." "Don't you like them any more?" "Well, they're all right in their way, but I mean, they...they're..." "This is difficult to say, Mum, but there comes a time in a boy's life when...when, erm... he starts to experience... he...he starts to experience certain...feelings." "What feelings?" "Well, I don't know, but whatever they are, Herbert the duck doesn't satisfy 'em!" "I..." "I just feel the need...the need for contact!" " Contact with the opposite." " The opposite what?" "Well, I don't know, but there must be something." "I just sense that there's more to life than strained carrots and Winnie the Pooh!" "And I want to find out what it is!" "I have told you before, you are not strong enough to go out." "Now, come along." "Eat your prunes, or the bogeyman will come." "I wish he bloody would!" "At least he'd be some company!" "No, no, look, Mum." "No, listen." "I..." "I've made up my mind." "I've made up my mind." "I'm going." "I'm going to leave you." "You're not." "I'm not going to let you!" "You can't stop me." "I'm grown-up now!" "I mean, it's no use pretending any more." "All these years, you've held me back." "You've never let me develop!" "I could have BEEN something!" "I could have done things!" "Who knows what I could have achieved?" "I could have driven a puff-puff!" "I could have been big and fat and important like..." "like Mr Bun the baker!" " It's too late to change." " It's not!" "Ah, but you've got no money, and you need money out there." "I've got money!" "I've got money!" "Look, look!" "All these years...all these years I've been saving it!" "I've saved a fortune secretly." "Look." "It's all in here, look!" "Ha!" "I've got money, a fortune!" "(LAUGHS)" "Son, they don't take chocolate money in the outside world." "Well, I..." "Well, I don't care." "I don't care." "I just want to be free, that's all." "I just want to be free!" "Free to go wherever I want to." "Mother, I..." "I'm going to walk out of this door... ..and I'm not coming back." "I'm a man now!" "A man!" "(SOBS)" "(KNOCK AT DOOR)" "Mum...erm... could you see me across the road, please?" " You'd better do something about that fence!" " Yes, dear." "Are you listening to me?" "You don't listen to a word I say." " I do, dear." " And look at you." "Always untidy." "When will you get your hair cut?" "I wish you wouldn't smoke in bed." "You drive me up the wall!" "Look at the time. 20 past 12." "Another thing I want to talk to you about..." "I forgot to put the rubbish out, dear." "There's holes in your grey socks, Sidney." "You've only had 'em since Christmas." "Aunt Edie knitted 'em specially on her holiday." "Oh, I dunno, you come home at night, sit there reading your paper, only open your mouth to put something in it..." " Oh, Montgomery, you came." " Of course." " Does your wife...?" " She thinks I'm putting out the rubbish." "(SPED-UP VERSION OF RODGERS  HART'S "LOVER")" "# Lover, when I'm near you and I hear you speak my name" "# Softly in my ear you breathe a flame... #" "(FAST TICK-TOCK)" "And they were your very best socks!" "Why you can't keep 'em for Sunday best, I really don't know." "I'm always buying you things, even with the price of everything today." "Only last week I bought you a new collar and a new pair of laces." " Yes, dear." " Now I'll have to buy you a new pair of socks." " I always like you to keep smart..." " Oh, I forgot the cat." "I won't be a tick." "But why you always have to go out looking like a tramp, I'll never know." "Take last Sunday, when we went down your mum's for tea." "You wouldn't put on your best suit, would you?" "Oh, no." "Oh, you're putting years on me." "I'm becoming old before me time!" " Oh, Mandeville, you came." " Of course." " Your wife...?" " She thinks I'm putting the cat out." "And another thing, Sidney." "Are you listening?" "'Cause if you're not, you better be." "You cost me a small fortune in boot repairs." "Do you know, I had to pay 13 and 6 to have your brown boots half-soled and heeled." " Yes, dear, I know." " 13 and 6." "Daylight robbery, I call it." " Are you listening?" "You'd better be." " Of course, dear." " And they were very, very good boots!" " Oh!" "I forgot to, er...make the cocoa." " You've ruined 'em." "They're a disgrace." " Yes, dear." "Why don't you clean 'em?" "Still can't find the polish (?" ")" "And the clothes line's been broke since last Monday week..." " Oh, Trelawney, you came." " Naturally." " Your wife." "She thinks you're making the cocoa?" " Of course." "Will you come back, O great white father from over the water?" "Oh, yes." "Same time tomorrow night!" "Are you gonna cut that grass?" "Do you know it's a foot high?" "And them underpants, I cannot understand how you keep wearing 'em out!" "You'd better get yourself some new ones." "(STUDIO APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT NAGGING)" "And as I said just now, you're gonna cut that grass!" "Do you know it's a foot...?" " Oh, Sidney?" " Yes, dear?" "Are you going to sleep now?" "Yes, dear." "I don't know what's the matter with you!" "Nowadays you're always too tired!" "(GYPSY GUITAR)" " # Cette sauce - (GUITAR STRUM)" "# De haute qualité" "# Est un mélange" "# De fruits orientaux" "# D'épices" "# Et de vinaigre" "# De malt" "# Elle est absolument pure" "# Et ne contient" "# Aucune matière" "# Colorante" "# Synthétique" "# Ni aucun agent de conservation artificiel" "# La sauce HP" "# Est appétissante" "# Et délicieuse" "# Avec viandes" "# Chaudes et froides" "# Poisson, jambon" "# Salades et fromages" "# Elle est également" "# Excellente" "# Pour enrichir la saveur des soupes" "# Hachis" "# Et" "# Ragoûts" "# La sauce HP #" "(SOBS)" "Interesting to see who's on at the Sewage Pond end." "I think it'll probably be Gerratt." "Yes, it is Gerratt." "Er..." " A useful bowler, I think you'd agree, Dennis." " Oh, yes." "Taken off his sweater... and he's taking off another sweater." "He's taken a lot of wickets this season." "And another sweater." "I would say his chances are..." "And his hot-water bottle." "And, erm...his cardigan..." " And trousers." " There they go." "There go his trousers." "And he's taking..." "He's taken the ball from the umpire, ready to start the long walk back." "The batsman's ready to receive the ball." "And off he goes." "There he is, rubbing the ball against his trousers to keep the shine on it." "(CLATTERING)" "(TOILET FLUSHES)" "(DRYER WHIRS)" " Hang on a minute." "Oi!" " Stop!" " Here!" " Look out!" " (TOILET FLUSHES) - (MEN PROTEST)" "Howzat?" "!" " Would you like to order now, sir?" " Yes, I think so." "Perhaps you'd care to select a trout, sir, fresh from the tank?" "They look absolutely splendid, but I think I'm going to plump for the speciality." "There is only one left, sir." " Oh, dear." "Shall we share, darling?" " All right, let's." " We'll share." "Thank you so much." " Very good, sir." "Aaaargh!" "Would you like it off the bone, sir...?" "Yeeargh!" "(MAN READING TEXT)" "(MARTY) I've always wanted to be a taxi driver, ever since I was a kid." "I had this dream...just me alone in the cab and a pedestrian in me sights." "It's the only clean kind of war left." "Well, this is it." "I've got me wings and I'm on me way to me first station." "Dollis Hill." "They're a crack squadron." "I only hope I don't let 'em down." " What is it, son?" " Taxi driver 2650 reporting for duty, sir." " So you're the replacement for Ernie Trubshaw?" " Yes, sir." "God, they're sending us kids these days." "Don't worry about it, son." "He and Trubshaw were pretty close." "Losing Ernie was a bit of a blow to the CO." "He's...he's been hitting the cocoa ever since." "How did it happen, sir?" " (CHORUS HUMS "LILI MARLENE")" " A dawn patrol up the Finchley Road." "He radioed back." "He'd seen three old ladies on a zebra crossing." "Went after them alone, the fool." "Winged one, the rest turned tail." "He mounted the pavement and...and then it happened." "What happened, sir?" "Traffic warden got him." "Came from behind, out of the sun." "It was over in seconds." "Was he...?" "Done for obstruction." "Damn those traffic wardens!" "Damn them, damn them!" "I want to have a crack at a pedestrian, sir!" "You'll get your chance soon enough, son." "Put your gear in Ernie's place." "I'm Tiger McClintock, this is Sailor Podsnap, Nosher Waterhouse, Slim Campion." "My name's Lovelace, but at training school they called me..." "Nipper." "Good to have you with us..." "Nipper." "You'll do." " (WISTFUL MUSIC)" " Writing home?" "Yes." "To my girl." "Want to see her picture?" " She's...pretty." " Thank you." " In uniform too." " Yes." "She's on the buses." "We're all doing our bit." "Going to marry her?" "One day, when we've beaten the pedestrian for good and all and the world's a fit place to bring up a motorist!" " You got a girl, Nipper?" " No." "While there's a pedestrian left alive in this world, there's no room for love." "(ALARM BELL RINGS)" "Trainload of tourists at Victoria." "Platform two!" " Right, scramble!" "Lovelace?" " Yes, sir?" " Good luck." "Get one for me!" " I'll do my best, sir." " Contact." " Contact." " Check "For hire" sign." " Sign on, sir." " Check meter on." " Meter checked, sir." " Gloves away." " Gloves away, sir." "(DRONING ENGINES)" "Good luck, chaps." "Good hunting." "I wish I were going with you." "(MUSIC:" "THEME FROM "THE DAM BUSTERS")" "Blast this gammy leg!" "(CLANK)" "Red Leader to base." "Request position of enemy pedestrians." "Over." "(STATIC)" "I said... (DISTORTED ) Platoon to Red Leader, proceed to base." "(INDISTINCT)" " Roger." " (DISTORTED ) Red Leader, proceed to base." "I don't know what you mean, sir." "Red Leader to squadron." "Pedestrian sighted, 12 o'clock high." "Good luck, chaps." "Tally-ho!" "(MUSIC:" "THEME FROM "THE DAM BUSTERS")" "(MACHINE-GUN FIRE)" "(MACHINE-GUN FIRE)" "(MUSIC SWELLS TO CLIMAX)" "(MUSIC-HALL MUSIC)" "(MARTY) # I'm sending you this little gift of Ilford Town Hall" "# To wear round your neck till I return" "# It isn't very much Oh, but just a homely touch" "# To remind you that the flame of love will always burn" "# The Albert Memorial doesn't match your eyes" "# And West Ham Baths I know you'd spurn" "# So please accept this little gift of Ilford Town Hall" "# Till I return # All together now!" "(MEN) # I'm sending you this little gift of Ilford Town Hall" "# To wear round your neck till I return" " It isn't very much - # It isn't very much" "# But just a homely touch" "(ALL) # To remind you that the flame of love will always burn" " The Albert Memorial..." " # The Albert Memorial" "# Doesn't match your eyes" "# And West Ham Baths I know you'd spurn" "# So please accept this little gift of Ilford Town Hall" "# Till I" "# Return!" "#" "(MARTY) And if it doesn't fit, you can always take it back and change it."