"SCHMIDT:" "Hey, Elizabeth, what are we doing tonight?" "ELIZABETH (over phone):" "Dexter and pie." "SCHMIDT:" "Girl, you treat me right." "Hey, there she is, my one and only." "Oh, thank God, coffee." " I barely slept last night." " Yeah, me, too." "I think I passed out for, like, 25 minutes when you jammed that sock down my throat." " I aim to please." " JESS:" "Aw..." "Hey, why don't we all go on a double date?" "What are you guys doing tonight?" "Yeah." " Tonight?" " Yeah." " Today's tonight?" " Yeah." "Tonight... meaning changes every day, doesn't it?" "JESS:" "Come on, Schmidt." "I'm sure he's got other plans." "You've got other plans, right?" "Plans?" "Not me." "I don't even..." "I mean..." "Yeah!" "What the hell is going on?" "What?" "♪ Double-double-double-double date!" "♪" "Rock, rock and roll." "I don't think I exactly understand the energy here, but yeah, I mean, it sounds great." "Hey, you want to split that pasta from last night, hmm?" "♪ Winston and Furguson 'bout to split some pasta. ♪" "(laughs)" "Yeah, man, you know I got "wuv" for you." "Got nothing but love for you." "Go ahead, chill out, man, I'll make you some coffee." "What?" "So what are y'all talking about, going on dates?" "Oh, y'all are talking about that." "Okay, cool." "Nobody invited me." "Is it 'cause I'm single?" "I mean, I..." "I know I'm single." "I'm okay with it." "It was a choice that I made... as a man... to be alone." "Don't nobody know you like you, so I'm..." "I'm choosing to know myself, who I am." "And if that's okay with you all, can I come?" "All right, where should we go tonight, you guys?" "What about that new spot Picca?" "A day-of rezzie at Picca?" "You guys don't think I can do it, huh?" "Well, funk that." "Bishop can get a table at a chair store." "JESS:" "Well, that's it, then." "Double date plus one!" "You know what would be nuts?" "If I brought my cat Furguson as a date." "Ah, don't do that." "♪ Hey, girl ♪" "♪ What you doing?" "♪" "♪ Hey, girl ♪" "♪ Where you going?" "♪" "* Who's that girl?" "* * Who's that girl?" "*" "♪ Who's that girl?" "♪" "* Who's that girl?" "* * It's Jess. *" "Hey, listen." "(quiet crackling)" "What is that sound?" "Sounds like a gravel driveway in there." "Seventh grade." "Pumping my fist too hard at a Weird Al show." "(knocking at door)" "Go away!" "Hey, Jess, can you talk?" "Oh." "Yeah, yeah, totally." "How'd I get so lucky?" "My bro and my ho." "My penis... it's gonna be exposed." "It's okay, just cover up." "Okay, no, but I don't feel comfortable." " It's about Schmidt." " Okay, I'm not involved in this at all." "Hiding from the world." "You can't see me, I can't see you." "I know this sounds totally paranoid, but I think he's on drugs." "(laughing):" "Schmidt on drugs?" "Okay, not getting involved starting now." "JESS:" "I'm with Nick here." "You remember how hard he took it when Lance got busted." "He just stared at that yellow bracelet and cried." "I know you're right, but..." " You're coming in?" " ..." "It's just like he's had this crazy energy lately." "And did you see how insane he was when we were talking about the double date?" "Also, he has just, like, stopped blinking." " Is that whippits?" " Well, Nick can talk to him." "No, I'm not gonna talk to him." "I called that I wasn't gonna be involved; those calls have to be respected." "If you talk to him, I'll give you a treat." "Bedroom treat or kitchen treat?" "(Southern accent):" "Oh, I'm just a country lawyer and I have a very, very itchy bra." "(Southern accent):" "Well, perhaps I can get underneath." "I've got worker's hands." "JESS:" "It's very itchy in so many different little places." " Let me see." " (both laugh)" "You guys are being really, really gross right now." "I keep forgetting you're in here." "I think you made a really good point." "Maybe he is just, like, really into me." "I mean, he has, like, stepped up his bed game a lot." "It is so not about him anymore." "That's disgusting." "Let me know when that treat's gonna happen." "And, Cece, I'm sorry about this, but I'm gonna stand up and you're gonna see my penis, and when I walk out, you're gonna see my butt." "Let's do this." "Oh." "Ah, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me." "Sorry." "Yeah, so that's glass." "That ain't no mint." "Nope." "Definitely glass, and I swallowed that, so you should consider, uh, a sign." " Do you have a reservation?" " You know, it's funny that you would ask that because, you know, I tried to call, like," "20 times, and I couldn't get through, but, uh, I'm looking for a reservation for tonight around 8:00 p.m." "Let's say, like, five people." "I have an 8:30." "Ah, kind of had our heart set on 8:00." "Seven weeks from now." "Wait, what, what?" "No, n-n-n-n-no." "Look, there's got to be something that you can do." "Well, you could try your luck at the community table." "Community... hell, no." "Listen, um, sorry, you don't understand." "This has to be an official reservation." "No." "I'll tell you what, maybe this will change... your mind." ""I owe you a hundred dollars."" "Oh, hell no." "No, that... that was supposed to be a ten." "(sighs)" "Whoa, you got there faster than I thought." "Hey, so this is weird and it's only gonna take a second of your time, but, uh... and I probably already know the answer, but are you on drugs?" "I know the answer is no, so I'll just see you later, man." " Get in my room." " Don't want to be part of it!" "Did you crack my e-mail password?" "How did you guess "Smithereens"?" "Are you really on drugs?" "Talk to me, Schmidt." "I'm in way over my head, Nick, I'm doing something terrible." "Well, what is it, man?" "You're going to get mad at me." "I'm your best friend." "Okay, I was there for you when you fell off the deck at Chester's graduation." "(laughter, excited chatter)" "Oh, no." "And I'm here for you now." "There's nothing you could say that I'd get mad at." "O... okay, um, I can do this." "Do you know how I broke up with Elizabeth so that I could start dating Cece again?" "Absolutely, and it was really hard for you." "Yeah, that actually never happened." "What do you mean?" "I'm still dating Elizabeth." "What do you mean?" "I'm dating both of them, and neither one of them knows it, and I feel terrible about it." "But Elizabeth is gone." " What do you mean?" " She's not gone." " So you broke up with Cece..." " I didn't break up with either one of them." "What do you mean?" "You process this however you need to process it." "If you want to keep talking it out..." " Which one are you dating?" " Both." " Are you dating Cece?" " I'm dating Cece." " Are you dating Elizabeth?" " Yes." " How do you do that?" " They made me choose." "You have to choose." "You can't have both women." "What was I supposed to do?" "What, you think you can have a bunch of wives?" "!" "You got one wife!" "This is the way the world works!" " Why?" "!" " I don't know." "I feel terrible about this, I don't know what to do." "How could you do this with Jess's best friend?" "I don't know, I feel really badly about it!" "In your little brain, how do you see this ending?" "I see it ending badly." "I see it ending very, very badly." "But you know what?" "I just... (chuckles)" "I want to thank you, though, just for being there for me and for listening to me." "No." "I'm not listening to you and I'm not there for you." " Because now we're in this together." " We're not in this together and I'm not listening and I'm not being there, so just stop telling me things!" "What would you like me to do with this information?" "Well, it really helped me to tell you." " You should tell somebody, get it off your chest." " I can't." " You know what I mean?" " Like... who?" " Well, certainly not Jess." " (retching)" " Don't ever tell Jess." " The one person you can't tell is Jess." "Hello, Picca?" "Yes, I need a table for five." "This is author Toni Morrison." "I am?" "Well, oh, yeah?" "Well, I think you're a woman!" "Hello?" "Okay, here's what it is." "Just lie to her, Nick." "It's a relationship... men and women lie to each other all the time; it's what makes marriages work." "Just lie..." "Oh, you can lie..." "Yes, I talked to Schmidt." "Don't act like an alien;" "just lie to a woman." "It's... (exhales)" "Yeah, I talked to Schmidt." "It's fine, it's not a big deal." "JESS:" "Hey, Nick." "How was your day?" "Nothing... (mumbling)" "Why are you wearing a helmet?" "Oh, hi." "Don't tease me, Nick." "Are we finally gonna do no-kiss sex?" "Oh, yes." "Sorry about that." "(sighs) Look at us." "(high-pitched):" "Community table, like a little community." "(chuckles)" "Call that seat." "That's my seat." " Come on." " Yeah." "Oh, no, where are y'all going?" "Dibs on those seats, dibs on that." "Put that for me right there." "Hey, put that right there for me." "That was amazing." "Jess, you know so many Spaceballs quotes." "(laughing):" "They jam the radar with literal jam." "Oh, hey, did you ever talk to Schmidt?" "What's going on, Nick?" "Schmidt!" "Hey!" "My best friend?" "!" "You Long Island street trash!" "Damn it, Nick, you told her?" "No, he didn't tell me!" "I..." "I happened upon it." "Oh, you happened upon it?" "Where, in the town square?" "Jess, I never wanted to be involved in this." "You're so pretty." "Put your freakin' visor down." "Now, you... you're gonna tell Cece or I will, you... you crumb bum!" " Jess..." " You crumb bum." "Yes, well said." " You are a lowlife." " I..." "I get it." " How could you do this to her?" " Jess, I am so sorry." "I made up a dance so everyone will be happy." "Cece's gonna walk through that door any minute, and you have to tell her the truth." "Jess, please, this would wreck her." "I'm begging you." "I..." "I know you don't believe me, but I do care about her." "Either you tell her or I will, Schmidt." "(humming)" "You're right." "I'll tell her." "(grunts)" "(sputters)" "Yo, what it be?" "Double date night!" "What's, uh, what's going on?" "Tell her." "Tell her." "Okay, okay." "We're taking two cars." "It's faster that way because of gas." " No phones." " What?" "Here you go;" "I got the door, it's okay." "Go!" "Go!" "Cigarette, phone call, bathroom." "Okay." "Sir, you're clearly alone." "We're gonna need this table." "Okay, so what do you think..." "that over the past two hours," "I, as a single person, have ordered eight separate entrees and have taken bites of different sizes of each of them to create some sort of pointless illusion?" "(chuckles):" "Do you know how insane you sound?" "God, I hate this job." " You need to slow down." " I got it." "Don't worry." "What's going on, man?" "You guys were acting all so weird back there," " and you're driving like a maniac." " Oh, geez." "You know, I didn't want to have to say anything, but..." "What?" "Here we go." " Nick is cheating on Jess!" "Aah!" " What?" "!" "Apparently, they met at some gas station." "She's much older." "Much, much older." "Deeply Korean." "I just found out." "And, I mean, Nick is my best friend and all, but I can't even be in the same room as that scumbag right now!" "Oh, I'm so mad!" "I'm just so, so mad!" "I'm terribly angry about the whole situation." "I can't even drive." "Take the wheel." " (tires screeching)" " Oh, why, God?" "!" "He was the best of us!" " Cece, please." "You're veering everywhere." " Sorry." "JESS:" "Oh, Nick, go, go!" "We're gonna lose them!" "You keep nerd-stopping at every sign!" "Look, if I get another ticket, they're gonna make me wear eyeglasses." "Why didn't you get involved back there?" "Look, look, here's the reality." "Yes, Schmidt is my best friend, and he's also really scary." "You are so afraid of everything." "Oh, really?" "Would a man afraid of everything" " put his finger in a cigarette lighter?" " I don't know..." "Don't do that." "That's just stupid!" " I'm not gonna do that." " You wimp." "(screams)" "Oh, my gosh!" "Oh, my God!" " Jess, are you okay?" " It really hurts." " Oh, my Lord, are..." " It's so hot!" " Come here." "Are you okay?" " Yeah." "Are you okay?" "Look, I'm gonna do it." "Ow!" "Oh." "Why did you do that?" "So that we were both in the same amount of pain!" "I'm gonna junk-punch him." "Turn the car around." "We're going to the restaurant." "Why would you... ?" "That seems rash." "Maybe..." "I don't know." "Maybe staying away for a while, or at least..." "I don't know... talking about it, hearing his side." "I don't..." "Cheating is selfish, and it is cowardly, and there is no excuse for it." "The only thing that you can do is punch it in the junk." "Or you could really understand it emotionally from their point of view." "You don't know." "Maybe they had a tough childhood." " Turn the car around, Schmidt." " Maybe their mom's a lesbian." " I don't know." " Turn the car around!" "Yeah, let's do it." "Let's turn the car around." "Let's go to Picca." "I'm gonna turn the car around as soon as I turn this..." "Turn the car around Schmidt!" " As soon as I turn the car around." " Now!" "As soon as I turn this car around..." "Turn the car around, Schmidt!" "Let's go!" "And I'm turning the car around." "Let's do it." " (horn honking) - (chuckles) Here we come." " What is he doing?" " I don't know." "Looks like he lost a wing." "(speaking gibberish, clicking tongue)" "(speaking gibberish)" "Hey, Jess." "Yeah, fourth message." "Just a friendly time update." "8:13." "Hope to God you guys aren't bailing on me, or maybe you just lost track of time being couples!" "(forced laugh)" "Hit me back." "Winnie the Bish." "SCHMIDT:" "We're never gonna find this restaurant;" "maybe we should just go home." " There it is!" " Here it is." "(tires screech)" "MAN:" "Welcome!" " Can I have your car, sir?" " Oh." "Sir?" "Sir?" "Sir?" "I'm on the phone." "All right, time's up." "You got to get out of here." "Uh, th... that's my friend." "That's my friend." "See?" "See?" "I told you all." "Huh?" "I got friends." " Everybody?" "Hmm?" " (applause)" " (clears throat)" " That's my friend right there." "Where the hell is Nick?" "!" "How did I even beat him here?" "!" " That was the slowest ride of my entire life!" " Oh, Jess..." "Literally, my grandmother drives faster than that." " Look, she's my best friend." " Yeah." "And Schmidt is mine." "That's why I didn't want to get involved." "Well, when someone I love gets hurt, I get involved." "(car door closes)" "Sir?" "(knocking on car door)" "(knocking continues)" "What's up, big cat?" "MAN:" "Sir?" "Sir?" "Well, you got to go in there, and you got to face her." "Look, it's not about Cece." "This is about the $12 valet." "It's $12 to... ?" "One sec." "Hey, it's self-park!" "The maroon car is self-park!" "It's an excessive amount of money." "I didn't mean for any of this to happen." "Look, I know you didn't, okay?" "But now it's time you do the right thing, Schmidt." "I can't go in there." "Well, I can't let Jess tell her." "MAN:" "Hello?" "(knocking)" "Open the door." " Wait, Cece!" " Oh, Jess, I have something to tell you." "I have something to tell you!" "What?" "No, I have something I need to tell you." "(groaning)" "Oh, my God, what are you doing, Cece?" "!" "Why did you do that?" "!" "(sighs)" " (high-pitched screaming)" " Cece." "You nipped the corner!" "Wait, Cece." "Uh... okay." "I..." "Cece, he's not..." "I lied to you." "I..." "I've been cheating on..." "on you with Elizabeth." "(sighs)" "Uh, I hate to do this right now, but if we don't sit, we will lose this table." "SCHMIDT:" "Cece, I'm sor..." "I'm sorry." "I don't..." "I just... (chuckles)" "Is there someplace maybe we could, uh, go talk?" "Everybody knows anyway, Schmidt." "Might as well just say it." "Oh, let's talk." "Let's... we... this should be fine." "(Schmidt sighs)" "I didn't want to hurt you." "You have to know that" "I did not want to hurt you." "Please, I..." "I'm begging you." "If you take anything away from this, know that I did not want to hurt you." "I didn't want to hurt anyone." "Especially you." "You have no idea what you mean to me." "And I got caught up in this thing, and..." "I used to be so fat." "I mean, like... truly gigantic." "I mean, as big as... as big... as big as it gets." "And now... and now I'm not, and girls like me, and I don't..." "I don't know how to do this." "I got lost." "And I'm sorry." "You're sorry?" "You didn't want to hurt anybody?" "That's the best you can do, Schmidt?" "Really?" "I don't know." "I don't know you." "(sniffles)" "Good-bye, Schmidt." "(sighs)" "I'm just realizing that I don't have any cash on me." "If anyone would be willing to loan me $12 for the valet, that would be... greatly appreciated." "Cece still hasn't called me." "Do you think you could test my phone again?" "I can't." "I don't have any more minutes." "Minutes, Nick?" "!" "Who still has minutes on their phone?" "!" "I bought 10,000 minutes in 1999, and I'm still using them." "I'm sorry." "I just..." "I..." "I really want to be there for her." "You are, okay?" "And she'll call, 'cause she needs you." "(sighs):" "Hell." "This is a real butt munch of a situation we're in." "Yeah." "Look..." "I'm here for you." "There is nothing I know more than the fact that I want to be with you, Jess, okay?" "Unless we're driving." "You admitted to driving while legally blind!" "No, because you're honestly the worst backseat..." "You're honestly telling me what to do the entire time!" " Legally blind." " Whoever has the wheel controls the car!" "ELIZABETH:" "You liar!" "Here's your pie!" "You broke my heart." "Mail me my mouth guard." "(door slams)" "In case you were wondering if Cece had Elizabeth's number, sh... she does." "So, tough time in Schmidtsburg, wouldn't you say?" "Just a quick heads-up, Nick," "Jess." "I blame you for this whole thing." " You can't seriously..." " I was going to fix it." "I wasn't going to hurt anyone." "But, since you took it upon yourself to hurt both of them, should it take me the rest of my life," "I'm going to break the two of you up." " Bring it, Schmidt." " It's impossible." "We're really strong." "It will be when you least expect it, which might be when you most expect it." "Could actually be when you're watching the movie version of What to Expect When You're Expecting." "Regardless..." "I... am coming... for you." "Oh, my God, Schmidt is so scary." "You were right." "We have to talk about the things" " that he could use to pull us apart, okay?" " Okay." "Okay." "Okay, politics." "You're a Democrat, I've never voted." " I'm in the Green Party." " Oh, that is so annoying." "Okay, I have been banned for my lifetime from Lake Ontario." " Don't ask." " Okay." " What else do you have?" " My fear of pears." "Okay, you're afraid of pears?" "And pear-shaped people." "Um, that's interesting." "I'm not convinced I know how to read." "I've just memorized a lot of words." "The doctors say I might grow another 18 inches." "That's a different image of you, but I'm gonna get past that, and I'm past it." " Okay, the moon landing..." " Mm-hmm." " Uh, which is obviously fake." " No, it's not obviously fake." " No, that's actually not what..." " Are you crazy?" "The moon landing is definitely fake, by the way." " The moon landing's not..." " What?" "!" "The shadows are off." " No, they're not." " Yes, they are." "I've looked at photos on the Internet, and it proves it." " Nick, that's..." " The shadows are off, the shadows are off... !" "Shadows are not... those photos are Photoshopped." " That's not true." " People do that as a joke" " to trick stupid people." " Oh, yeah, you can just Photoshop..." " No, that's..." " Wait a minute." "He's doing it already." "He's getting in our heads." " Unbelievable." "Good call." " Okay, this is good." "Let's keep going." " I totally agree." "Okay." " Let's keep going." "Okay." "I... kind of want to get a gun." "I'm definitely sexually attracted to Lady Bucks." "Ok." "I prefer the ***." "I think it's the best one." " I know that you're very into it..." " It's not." "Yes, it is." "He's very charming." "I'm weirdly good at volleyball." "I believe horses are from outer space." " I believe that too!" " Ok." "Good."