"Why was that Martin bloke giving you all those boards?" "T-Mac boards are sponsoring me." "Bullshit!" "Roger!" "This is Celia." "Hello." "Nice to meet you." "Celia's bringing a mate." "I know what you're doing, mate." "Look, I don't root around." "I love Celia." "It's not just sex for me." "Dad!" "I found something this morning and it made me think of you." "I thought you could eat your first lobster." "Where have you been?" "Petrol." "What about the lobster?" "What lobster?" "The one dad caught this morning." "Get your dacks off." "You're dropped." "If he can't root you, you know, what's the point?" "I just got dropped." "I think I did too." "Really?" "Really." "LYNETTE:" "Get out!" "Get out!" "(BABY WAILS) Mum, don't have a spaz." "I'm a bit tipsy." "Oh, dearie, dearie me." "GARY:" "I love whales." "Me too." "SONG: # See the lady in the streetcar light" "# Got a whole lot to lose" "# Television and red, red wine" "# So, won't you tell me" "# Won't you tell me the truth?" "# 10 years in the jailer's eye # Are you old enough?" "# And I'm thinkin' 'bout my baby # Are you old enough?" "# Lookin' at my life go by" "# Are you old enough?" "Ooh-ooh" "# Are you old enough?" "# Ooh" "# Are you old enough?" "# Are you old enough?" "# Are you old enough?" "GARY:" "Can't believe you've read that book." "Are you kidding?" "I love that book." "I like his name too." "(LAUGHS) Kurt Vonnegut." "Imagine living all those different lives." "Be unreal." "You wouldn't be able to eat pluto pups." "GARY:" "Devastating." "They say there's one and a half rats in every pluto pup." "(LAUGHS) Don't make me spew!" "Boys!" "See ya." "Gary, your ciggies." "You keep 'em." "I think my lips are bruised." "And my nipple." "Did Gary pash you?" "What?" "I was giving you time alone!" "Sorry." "We just...sat and...talked." "He looks at you like he thinks you're unreal." "Mmm, it's killing me!" "What if he heard?" "Heard what?" "That I'm...tight." "Shit." "Do boys even talk about that stuff?" "Oi, Debbie." "I'm gonna stay at yours tonight." "My mum's a slappy bitch." "My...my house?" "Yeah." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "It's tripe." "Offal." "What the heck is offal?" "How'd you make it look like that?" "It's pig's stomach." "(HEAVES)" "Cheryl, stop that." "Cheryl, stop that." "Eww." "OK, who wants to go first?" "Best thing about your day." "Debbie?" "Do we have to do this tonight, Mum?" "I think you know the answer to that question." "When's Bruce coming round again?" "He said he'd take me for a drive in his van." "They broke up." "Really?" "That's great!" "(MARTIN WHISPERS) Judy!" "Why did you break up?" "What?" "Yeah, Deb, why'd you break up?" "We... ..broke up because..." "Sometimes people just don't fit." "(CAR ENGINE REVS)" "Danny." "Danny." "Huh?" "My parents are home." "(DOOR CLOSES)" "Cup of tea?" "Scotch and milk?" "(LAUGHS)" "(ICE RATTLES IN GLASSES)" "Wait here a minute, my love." "(FOOTSTEPS)" "Hey." "Hey, does Gary like Debbie?" "She thinks he's unreal." "Can you ask him for me?" "Yeah, sure." "Check on Sue?" "She's all tucked in, sound asleep." "What are you doing?" "I've never seen anything as beautiful in the whole wide world as your bum." "What?" "Do that again." "Do what again?" "Pick something else up." "How's that?" "Oh, that's exciting!" "(LAUGHS)" "Oh, my sweetheart." "Like an African." "Shake it around." "(LAUGHS)" "The Rivers of..." "Whoo!" "The Rivers of Babylon." "(LAUGHS)" "Sleep tight." "Sweet dreams." "DEBBIE:" "Goodnight." "Do you need to say your prayers before you go to sleep?" "Shut up." "(SIGHS)" "Your family are spastics." "What are you doing?" "I'm keeping next-door's rabbits off them." "Cheeky buggers." "(LAUGHS)" "I want us to go to Couples Encounters." "What?" "It's a marriage counselling service." "They say it's very good." "I'm not talking to some stranger about personal things." "Well, then talk to me about them." "(CAR PULLS UP)" "Lynette?" "Hi, Judy." "Sorry it's late." "I'm just looking for Cheryl." "Is she here?" "Yes, the girls are in bed." "So she is here." "OK, good." "That's a relief." "Oh, you didn't know where she was?" "No." "Cheryl's got the shits with me." "When she's got the shits, she can be a lying little Gemini bitch." "Uh..." "(BABY GURGLES)" "Any time you need to talk to someone, I am always here." "You go and have a shower." "OK." "Thanks, Mrs Vickers." "Cheryl's gonna stay for a few days." "Mum, are you sure?" "She's got some trouble at home with her mum." "We're lucky, you and I, Deb." "Apparently there was some party that was out of control." "Oh, I did hear about that." "Not a party." "A small gathering, I think it was." "Maybe one of the boys was drunk." "You weren't there?" "No." "We should have a party!" "Better get ready for school." "For who?" "For Cheryl." "(MOUTHS WORDS)" "Oh, yeah." "You can root Debbie if you want." "Yeah, Sue told me." "Right!" "Do you want some cake?" "Thank you." "You're welcome." "Where's your hat?" "I don't like, um..." "Fun?" "Yes." "Fun." "Not my thing." "I don't think that's true." "Wear the hat." "I..." "Wear the hat." "Annie, I..." "Wear the hat." "Now put this in your mouth and blow." "You do know how to blow, don't you?" "Lauren Bacall?" "But I think she said 'whistle'." "See?" "Now we're having fun." "Cheers." "I'm on my rags." "Oh." "OK." "Jesus." "(BOTH LAUGH AWKWARDLY)" "Sorry, I..." "I thought we were..." "Sue said that Danny said that... (SIGHS) We haven't even kissed yet." "So, does that mean you wanna kiss me?" "Of course." "Why haven't you?" "We always start talking and then we don't stop, and I always forget to do it..." "..and then regret it later." "Yeah, me too. (CHUCKLES)" "So..." "(LAUGHS)" "So..." "So, do we...do we just..." "Just be quiet for 10 seconds and we'll see what happens!" "OK." "(SNICKERS)" "OK." "(SNICKERS)" "SUE:" "Step and touch and step and touch..." "Debbie?" "This may be the happiest day of my life." "The kiss sounded like a dream." "He is perfect." "He will be if he has a small dick." "Yeah, wouldn't that be great?" "Size of a cocktail frankfurt." "Ideally." "(LAUGHS)" "You're so smart, telling him you're on your rags." "I might try it with Danny." "Yeah, I know." "I suddenly realised they just have to take our word for it." "It's what's known as a loophole." "Closed hole, you mean!" "PAM:" "I'd love to know what they're talking about." "Look at them." "You can tell they're up to something." "JUDY:" "Oh, I don't think so." "They're just having fun." "Sue had a drink the other night." "Oh, yeah." "Admitted it to us." "She told you she was drinking?" "Just a UDL." "A mixer." "And she told us they've kissed boys." "Debbie broke up with Bruce Board." "Yeah, I guess she kissed Bruce." "That just makes me feel ill." "When did you first kiss a boy, Jude?" "Oh, I was certainly older than our girls!" "I certainly wasn't." "I can testify to that." "(LAUGHS)" "Debbie's smart." "We're very close." "She tells me everything." "She didn't tell us about breaking up with Bruce." "Yeah, well, I think it's just the start." "Oh, they're gonna have so much fun." "Well, I'm sorry Sue's drinking, Pam." "That shelf has a slight tilt to it." "I'm afraid the next time I put something on it it's just gonna slide down and smash on the ground." "Imagine that!" "(LAUGHS)" "Well, I'll call someone." "Well, why don't you take a look at it first?" "Maybe all it needs is a man's touch." "(LAUGHS) It's no problem, really." "I have favours owed to me all over the Shire, so... (PHONE RINGS)" "(WHISPERS) I'll get it." "Ferris Hennessey." "Hey." "Well, because I'm at home and I can't talk." "No, wait, wait." "Wait." "Just..." "What's wrong?" "Has something happened?" "(SOFTLY) Calm down." "Have you been drinking?" "Sweetheart...you don't mean that." "You just...just tell me what you want me to do and I'll..." "I'll do it." "I can take a look at it for you, Mum." "Sorry, darling?" "The shelf." "I can take a look at it for you." "FERRIS:" "No." "Stop saying that!" "(STRANGLED) Oh...fuck!" "(LINE DEAD TONE)" "(SCREAMS) -(GLASS SHATTERS)" "(FERRIS YELLS) -(POTS AND PANS CLANG)" "SONG: # Hey, lady" "# You, lady" "# Cursing at your life" "# You're a discontented mother" "# And a regimented wife" "# I've no doubt you dream about" "# The things you never do" "# But I wish someone had talked to me" "# Like I wanna talk to you" "# Ooh, I've been to Georgia and California" "# And anywhere I could run" "# Took the hand of a preacher man" "# And we made love in the sun" "# But I ran... #" "They're so cute!" "They've been practising so hard they've got blisters." "# I had to be free" "# I've been to paradise" "# But I've never been to me" "# Please, lady, please, lady... #" "Heard you're with Gary." "I'm not trying to be a bitch or anything, but I'm glad he's not my boyfriend anymore." "He's bent." "Yeah, rooting Matty was the best thing you ever did." "You know, Gary's sponsored." "He made me swear not to say anything." "He doesn't want anyone to know." "Why not?" "I don't know." "Some shit he was talking about." "He's a weirdo." "Go, you two!" "# I've been to Nice and the isle of Greece" "# When I sipped champagne on a yacht" "# I moved like Harlow in Monte Carlo" "# And showed 'em what I've got" "# I've been undressed by kings" "# And I've seen some things" "# That a woman ain't supposed to see... #" "Oh..." "Oh, no." "Deb!" "# To paradise" "# But I've never been to me... #" "Debbie, there's blood." "# It's a lie" "# A fantasy we create about people and places" "# As we like them to be" "# But you know what truth is?" "# It's that little baby you're holding" "# And it's that man you fought with this morning... #" "# And it's that man you fought with this morning... #" "You alright?" "(SNIFFLES AND SOBS)" "That was probably the most mortifying experience of my entire young life." "(SOBS)" "If it helps, up until then, you were brilliant." "It doesn't!" "How do I face everyone?" "You'll be alright, because you're you, an exceptional person." "(SCOFFS)" "And you always have been." "Who's Gary?" "I heard you girls talking." "Gary Hennessey." "Mum, he's..." "He's so... ..lovely." "He kissed me and it was... ..wow." "And it was wow, huh?" "Oh!" "(CHUCKLES)" "Thank you for telling me." "David, can you please take those pyjama pants off?" "They've got wee on them." "I assure you it's water." "And next time you wet the bed, please tell me." "I'm sick of finding nasty surprises." "Oi." "You and Gary." "(MOANS)" "Get lost." "(LAUGHS)" "And, girls, straight to bed tonight and lights out, OK?" "Goodnight, Mrs Vickers." "I'll be in to give you a kiss goodnight." "Gary's not like that." "They're all like that." "('COME BACK AGAIN' BY DADDY COOL PLAYS)" "Is that Ferris?" "(SIGHS) Wait a sec." "(HUMS ALONG)" "(SINGS) # Come back again" "# I'm just crazy 'bout you, babe... #" "What's wrong with him?" "Ferris is, um..." "Roger Knight, are you about to lie to me?" "Ferris has a friend." "And she's just told him that she no longer wants to be his friend." "Ah." "How old is this friend?" "Much younger than his other friends." "Hang on..." "So, why did he come to you?" "Do you know her?" "I had lunch with them." "Them together?" "Oh, Rog!" "I'm sorry." "Do you have a friend too?" "He asked me to lunch." "His friend was there... ..with her friend." "I told Ferris I didn't need a friend 'cause I was still friendly with my wife." "Well, that may not continue if you lie to me again." "Well, that's understood." "Do you really want to?" "ROGER:" "Why's she ending it?" "'Cause she's 22." "That's what she said?" "No." "She said she can't keep fucking an old man." "Shit, that's gotta hurt." "I mean, I'm not an idiot." "It's a good reason." "You know, I just look in the mirror and all I see is this unrecognisable grumpy old bastard." "I've got the same problem." "I mean, I'm trapped in this old man body, and all I wanna do is... ..shout the whole fucking world down that it's not mine, and then... (SHOUTS) ..rip the heads off all the young fuckwits!" "They're touching all those young titties as much as they like." "They don't know how good they've got it." "They don't know how good they've got it." "Morning." "You get up early too, Mr Vickers?" "Yes." "I work every third Saturday." "Is my nightie too short?" "(LAUGHS) No, I..." "How about now?" "CHERYL:" "It was hilarious!" "Come on." "The blood!" "(LAUGHS)" "Oh, wait." "Hold on, my thong's broken." "Wait up." "(SIGHS) I don't wanna go to the beach." "We're going to the beach." "After last night?" "I can just hear it already." ""Oh, look, sharks - they must smell Debbie." ""Did someone get shot?" ""No, just Debbie Vickers wandering around, leaving a blood trail."" "Forget about those bitches." "We can't show weakness." "Sue!" "I really feel shit." "We are women and we're not gonna apologise for it." "What?" "(LAUGHS) I know." "My mum always says it to my dad when he complains that we gossip too much." "(WHINES)" "Come on!" "Gary'll be there." "(BOTH GIGGLE)" "Lezzos!" "(BOTH MOUTH SILENTLY)" "Oh!" "Hi." "Hi." "Look, I was just thinking that maybe you'd like one of these." "Oh, thanks!" "I made it myself." "Thank you!" "It's...it's..." "lovely." "So, how are you, anyway?" "I'm fine, thanks." "Good, good." "Just that..." "I think Roger and Ferris had a few drinks last night." "Uh, yes, they did, I think." "Um, Ferris is a bit under the weather." "Yeah." "(BOTH LAUGH)" "Oh, sometimes I get bloody annoyed with him, you know?" "Roger." "Oh, yes." "I mean, you gotta stand your ground, don't you?" "Yes." "They can be bloody idiots, and you gotta take care of yourself." "You know?" "Ye...yes." "Um... (CLEARS THROAT)" "They, um... (LAUGHS) We do love them, though..." "silly as they are." "Right. (LAUGHS)" "Yeah." "Well, look, I was gonna come in, but look, I think I'll just go and, um... ..see you at tennis." "(BOTH LAUGH AWKWARDLY)" "Yep." "OK." "Bye-bye, then." "'Bye!" "CHERYL:" "Debbie's." "Debbie's house." "It's just a weird place." "GIRL:" "Sounds freaky." "Her little brother's cute." "There's a pie and a Polly Waffle." "Thanks." "CHERYL:" "Probably wanking his little thing at me." "Vicki reckons you're sponsored." "Yeah." "Why don't you want anyone to know?" "'Cause I don't." "Well, what about me?" "Debbie, can you just stop?" "CHERYL:" "They eat the same thing every week." "You can't have a drink until you've finished your meal." "You can't leave the table until everybody's finished." "They ate pig guts the other night." "Mrs Vickers is a mean old bag." "Monday is always lamb night, Tuesday is spag bol," "Wednesday, pork chops, Thursday, chook." "Friday is fish night." "Then they go to the club..." "Can I borrow your board a sec?" "CHERYL:" "Then start all over again!" "What are they doing?" "You girls have bloody lost it!" "Darren." "Control your females, you two." "Sue, ya dumb moll!" "Debbie!" "Put my board down now!" "Dumb moll." "Yeah, ya fat-faced molls." "Put 'em down." "Lezzos!" "(MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY)" "(MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY)" "(ANNIE LAUGHS)" "It's called an enneagram, and you use it to categorise people into different types." "I don't think you can categorise people." "And yet you're happy to categorise fish." "And yet aren't we all God's creatures?" "Isn't that just sheer arrogance, Martin Vickers?" "Sorry, God!" "(CHUCKLES)" "So, what number are you?" "I'm a 2." "And what number am I on this thing?" "Give me your hand." "I think you're this." "What's it mean?" "You're just gonna have to find out now, aren't you?" "Darling, you've been as busy as a bee, so I thought I'd make you a bloody Mary." "I was having a snooze on the couch before and I'm in between sleep and awake and it hits me - bang." ""Please do"?" "Your bum is my muse." "It's like this peach." "Well, I think you should ask my bum if that's alright." "Well, I might just do that." "If you don't mind." " (LAUGHS)" "Oh, no, I don't mind." "Hey, let's have a quickie before Sue gets home from the beach." "Alright." "(SUE CALLS) I am home!" "Well, don't come in here for at least... (MOUTHS WORDS)" "..seven minutes." "You hear me?" "(SUE GROANS)" "(BOTH MOAN)" "(SIGHS)" "(UNZIPS FLY)" "CHERYL:" "Do you wanna be in the gang or not?" "What's the big deal?" "Girls don't surf." "You're lucky Gary didn't drop you on the spot." "I would if I was him." "Piss off." "I'm just trying to help you." "Stop looking at her!" "I want her out." "You need to stop that at once." "(ZIPS UP)" "Better not be about that girl in there." "Judy..." "What could you possibly say right now, Martin?" "Ah, f..." "WOMAN ON TV:" "Have you read the Dine labels?" "Each name says exactly what's in..." "Cheryl, put some clothes on." "What for?" "Because that's how people sit in this house - fully dressed and wearing pants." "These are pants." "Not in my book." "Hi." "Hello, Lynette." "They're sick of me." "I just..." "It's time to come home, I think." "Don't be shitty, chicken." "I've been missing you like crazy." "I know you've missed me." "I can see it in your irises." "(GRUNTS)" "And your palm says you wanna come home to your mummy." "If you look closely, it says you're a dumb moll." "You're a dumb moll." "You are." "You are." "Thanks, Mrs Vickers." "Thank you." "Thanks." "(KNOCK AT DOOR, DOOR OPENS)" "What were you and Cheryl fighting about in front of the TV?" "Make-up." "How much is too much." "'Night, sweetheart." "Hey, mate." "Let's go for a jog together." "Um..." "Come on." "It'll be fun." "Come on, race ya!" "(GRUNTS)" "You know, when you were little, we'd run and you'd chase me and you'd cry 'cause you weren't fast enough." "Guess it's my turn now, huh?" "You are so bloody lucky." "Enjoy it, mate." "'Cause as you get older, life just gets worse and worse." "You should know that." "Remember this, though." "Anything you do, I've done before." "Mum." ""Dear Mum and Dad, I've gone north to relax and play golf." ""Don't worry about me." "David." ""P.S. Miss Cheryl."" "Martin?" "Martin?" "Do you reckon we could hang out for a bit?" "My parents aren't home." "You can come in." "You alright?" "Just wanna do something normal." "Hey." "I hope he hasn't hitchhiked." "Do you think he'd do something that stupid?" "He can't have got too far." "There he is." "(SIGHS) He's a funny one." "I'll go." "To the counselling thing." "Why?" "We need to talk and we don't know how to do it anymore." "It's frightening to look into the faces of people you love and know they're lying to you." "Do you need a lift?" "MARTIN:" "Shall we get pizza?" "OK." "GARY:" "I like your house!" "It's got... ..life." "Yeah, it has got that." "Sometimes a bit too much." "Sorry about yesterday." "Good." "('DON'T FALL IN LOVE' BY THE FERRETS PLAYS)" "SONG: # City girls have got" "(SINGS ALONG) # Night lights in their eyes" "(SINGS) # Ask no questions and get told no lies" "# You get hurt" "# They're on the flirt again tonight" "# Tonight" "# Ooh" "# Don't fall in love" "# Ooh" "# Don't fall in love... # - (LAUGHS)" "# Ooh" "# Don't fall in love... #" "BOTH:" "Five, four, three, two..." "TV:" "Countdown!" "Countdown!" "So tell me again." "It's my new favourite story." "We just hung out in my bedroom and ate sandwiches and drank lemon squash." "And he didn't try anything?" "I told you!" "No!" "(INTRO TO 'HEROES' BY DAVID BOWIE PLAYS ON TV)" "Press it!" "(BOWIE SINGS) # I... #" "We missed the beginning." "I know." "I love this song." "Let's keep it." "# Like the dolphins... #" "So sandwiches and lemonade." "And then what?" "And then he went home." "# Nothing will keep us together...# - (GIGGLES)" "It's kinda like hanging out with you." "He didn't even try and finger me." "# Oh, we can be heroes" "# Just for one day... #"