"[School bell ringing]" "[Bobby panting]" "[Screams]" "Kid, where's your hall pass?" "You got me." "My name is Ramon Tavares." "I'm in Mr. Powell's class." "Ramon Tavares?" "Why does your lunch bag say "Bobby Hill"?" "Because we can't spell Ramon...." "What did I say?" "[Laughing]" "All right." "Get going, Ramon." "Bobby Hill!" "Yeah?" "You're good." "[Laughing]" "Yup." "Yup." "Yup." "[Boomhauer grunts in agreement]" "They dumped it right where we stand." "That's where we stand." "Why would somebody leave a couch behind my house?" "I know how it got here." "One of them firefighting planes scooped it up out of Lake Arlen." "You're not talking about that dang old urban legend, man." "It's like that toothbrush up that man's bottom." "That true, too." "That happened to me." "Look, treasure." "A rubber band and a sugar cube." "[Exclaiming in pleasure]" "Have a little pride, Bill." "If we eat their garbage, we're not much better than they are." "Probably had a coffee table." "If this old couch could talk," "My name?" "My name is Hank Taxpayer... and I want that couch removed." "There are people who stand in that alley." "We talk." "That's not really your business, is it?" "Sports, mostly, you know." "[Grunting]" "[Girls laughing]" "[Cheerful instrumental music]" "Guys, you've got to see this." "Bobby, do that walk again." "Okay." "[Yiddish accent] What are you talking about?" "What are you talking about?" "[All laughing]" "What's so funny about that?" "It's adult humor, Connie." "I don't even get some of it." "[Lively instrumental music]" "It could be weeks before the city comes and hauls this away." "What?" "You say something, Hank?" "This is ridiculous." "I say we get rid of the couch ourselves." "[Bill sighing pleasurably]" "What are you doing?" "l'm drinking beer." "I'm sitting on the couch, and I'm outside." "I'm just going to take a break." "Five minutes, that's all." "[Dale sighing]" "Man, don't sit like a bunch of dang old lazy couch jockeys sitting there." "Look up there in the sky, man, That dang old," "[Boomhauer sighs]" "Sorry. I don't want to be no dang old Lucky Pierre, man." "Come on, Hank." "All right." "But if I don't like it, I'm standing right back up." "[Birds chirping]" "[Telephone ringing]" "HANK:" "Hello?" "marie:" "Hi, can I speak to Bobby, please?" "I'm sorry, you have the wrong number." "Who was it, Dad?" "A girl asking for someone named Bobby." "Oh." "[Telephone ringing]" "HANK:" "Hello?" "marie:" "Hi, Does Bobby Hill live there?" "Hold on a second." "Son, it's one of your friends playing a prank." "BOBBY:" "Hey, Joseph." "marie:" "Bobby, it's Marie," "Oh." "Hey!" "marie:" "A bunch of us are going to hang out at the mall, Wanna come?" "I did have a prior engagement, but I can always tape it." "[Marie laughing]" "[Leaf blower running]" "[Cheerful instrumental music]" "[Electric drill whirring]" "BOBBY:" "What are you going to get, Marie?" "marie:" "I don't eat anything with a head." "I'm a vegetarian, Bobby." "l don't eat meat." "My dad says... if God didn't want us to eat meat, He wouldn't have invented steak sauce." "Your dad says that?" "Once." "Did you know that the average person consumes 500 chickens?" "That's enough chickens to feed a whole starving village." "But they shouldn't eat them." "Because that's bad." "l'll have the chopped salad, please." "And I'll have the BLT, please." "That has bacon, Bobby." "Bacon doesn't have a head on it." "Could you make that an LT, please?" "Tonight was fun." "My friends think you're a riot." "I really was choking at the food court, but don't tell them that." "There's a couch in the alley." "Sit down." "You want to kiss?" "l'll try anything once." "I didn't think I'd like fruit pies, but then I tried one... and if your kiss is anything like a fruit pie, I'm sure" "[Smooching]" "All right." "See you around." "[Grunting]" "[Peggy humming]" "Mom, Dad, did you see the sunrise this morning?" "It was the same color as my girlfriend Marie's hair." "[Peggy sighs]" "Here's your coffee, sweetmeat." "[Bobby sniffing]" "Reminds me of my girlfriend Marie." "She likes to drink her coffee black, too." "Looks like they'll finally cut down the big oak tree... in the middle of the ball park." "I'm not sure what my girlfriend Marie thinks about that. I'll ask her." "All right, Bobby, I'll bite." "Why do you keep saying the word "girlfriend"?" "Because I have a girlfriend." "Bobby has a girlfriend?" "All right, son." "She's real, right?" "I mean, she's not imaginary or on a cereal box or anything, is she?" "No." "All right." "I assume that she's your girlfriend... just like Joseph is your boyfriend." "Peggy, Joseph is not Bobby's boyfriend." "[Dale screaming]" "DALE:" "Red alert!" "The garbage truck's here!" "You're not taking it!" "Can you ask this gentleman to get off the couch, so we can do our job?" "Bill, don't move a muscle." "[Both grunting]" "Good work, Bill." "All right, but if you leave it out, somebody's going to haul it away." "Go to hell." "[Ominous instrumental music]" "MAN:" "Let's go." "BOBBY:" "What do you want to do, guys?" "connie:" "Let's go bike riding." "That's boring." "Yeah, that's a little boring, Connie." "Maybe there's something else we all could do?" "We could go shopping for clothes at the mall." "That's a great idea." "[Telephone ringing]" "For quality purposes, some portions of this conversation may be recorded." "DALE:" "Gribble residence." "bill:" "Hey, Dale, I just phoned to talk about the couch." "You know, just thinking about the couch." "Bill, this is so strange." "I was just about to call you about the couch." "Yeah?" "You know the only thing better than talking about the couch?" "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" "l'll see you out there!" "All right." "[Dale humming]" "marie:" "Wonder where your friends are." "BOBBY:" "I don't know." "They were following us to the mall and then they were gone." "Look, the couch." "You want to kiss?" "No, I got to go." "You know, Marie... the other night when you wanted to kiss, I didn't feel like it... but I did it anyway." "You have to respect my needs, too." "Okay, whatever." "[Bobby and Marie smooching]" "[Gasps]" "[Sad instrumental music]" "Bobby?" "Okay, Bobby, I got to go." "Good night, Marie." "Can I have some rice and plain toast, please?" "My girlfriend Marie's a vegetarian, and she says" "There it is." "I knew this was too good to be true." "So?" "She's a vegetarian." "She still likes lots of things I like." "Like kissing, for instance." "My word." "Hank, talk to the boy." "Bobby... vegetarians can't be trusted." "Just last week, we caught one of them siphoning gas..." "out of a company truck" "No, I was talking about the kissing." "He's too young." "You would think that... but I am such a good kisser, Mom." "Marie says so." "You should have seen it." "She bent my head back, she put her hand" "Bobby, you are only 12." "You should be afraid of girls." "You're just jealous because you aren't as in love as me and Marie." "I really don't think you can compare a two-day infatuation... to a 20-year marriage." "I bet Marie and me have kissed more in two days... than you have in your whole marriage." "You know, I don't think I've ever seen you guys kiss." "Your father has kissed me." "Peggy!" "I'm not afraid to show my love." "You are." "Your father and I have done things you can't even imagine." "Peggy, please." "Uh...." "l'm flattered that you asked me to help you with your algebra homework." "Actually, Luanne, I don't need you to teach me algebra." "Thank God!" "Well...." "As you know, Bobby has a girlfriend." "Bobby has a girlfriend, and I know it?" "Yes, and well... it's made me realize that I really like Bobby." "What should I do?" "If you and Bobby are meant to be, then it'll happen." "I mean, Buckley and I weren't meant to be, and that's why he blew up." "Excuse me. I have an outside couch." "What do you have to keep the squirrels away?" "STOREKEEPER:" "I'll check." "What are you doing?" "Hank, remember how we used to hold hands in broad daylight?" "Come on, honey, hold my hand." "I wish I could, but my hands are full, see?" "I guess Bobby was right." "Maybe we are afraid to show our love." "All right." "Get a room, you two." "[Upbeat blues music]" "What did you do to my old couch?" "We're not falling for it, Kahn." "This was not yours." "I got rid of it after a neighborhood cat came inside and peed all over it." "Tried to dump it in front of Gribble's yard, but Minh cut her leg on a tack... so we dump it here." "[Dale grunts knowingly] I get it." "He's seen what we've done with it, now he wants it back." "You crazy!" "I don't want it back." "I got an old pair of boxer shorts you can use as a tea cozy." "Want that, too?" "[Laughing mockingly]" "marie:" "Hey, is Bobby home?" "HANK:" "Who are you?" "I'm Marie." "HANK:" "How old are you?" "marie: 14." "14?" "I don't know what Bobby's been telling you, but he's only 12." "He's been telling me lots of things." "How come you never hold your wife's hand?" "BOBBY:" "See you later, Dad." "[Door closes]" "Bobby's Marie is 14 years old." "What?" "Oh, God." "That means when she was three, our Bobby was only one." "It makes me sick just thinking about it." "[Techno music playing]" "is this a make-out party?" "Because if it is, I'm prepared for that." "Look, if the lady doesn't want to dance, don't make her dance." "Come on, kid." "Move out of the way." "Bobby, move." "[Techno music stops]" "Marie!" "Bobby, what are you doing?" "BOBBY:" "Why were you dancing with those guys?" "I don't know." "I like dancing, I wanted to dance." "Who were those guys?" "Why were you dancing with all those guys?" "Bobby, they're friends." "We were just dancing." "What about us?" "You are supposed to dance with just me... and maybe some of your girlfriends, but mostly just me!" "What?" "This is getting way too intense." "We're only friends." "[Exclaims in shock] I thought we were more than that!" "You're a funny guy." "You make me laugh." "That's all." "But we kissed." "Yes, and looking back now, maybe that was a mistake." "Mistake?" "That was the single most important thing in my life." "Look, I don't think we should hang out together anymore." "Just tell me why you were dancing with all those guys!" "Goodbye, Bobby." "You kissed me." "That means we're back together again." "Marie, come back." "Look, I'm doing your favorite comedy bit." "[Yiddish accent] What are you talking about?" "What are you talking about?" "[Bobby crying]" "What are you talking about?" "[Sad instrumental music]" "[Bobby crying in the distance]" "[Door opens]" "Somebody push you off your bike, son?" "[Sobbing]" "Marie broke up with me." "[Peggy exclaims in pity]" "lt doesn't feel so good, does it, son?" "No." "I guess your love wasn't as strong as your father's and mine, was it?" "No, it wasn't." "[Bobby crying]" "BOBBY:" "I kissed Marie on this couch." "That's not what this couch is for." "Yeah, you know you have to put it to a vote... if you want a family member to use the couch." "All right." "[Clears throat] I know it's not good when a girl breaks your heart." "[Bobby continues crying] lt's only natural to be sad." "But the couch is a happy place." "[Bobby crying loudly]" "[Sad country music playing on stereo]" "He stopped crying." "That's a step in the right direction." "The boy's taste in music is getting better, too." "[Sad country music playing on stereo]" "BOBBY:" "Mom, I'm never going to make anyone laugh ever again." "I don't want to be a prop comic," "PEGGY:" "No, Ladybird, not now." "Look at it this way." "Tonight you're going out on a date... with your parents." "And we know how you like going out with people older than you." "[Peggy squeals excitedly] I'm on a date with my two favorite men." "Look at me." "[Bobby crying]" "marie:" "A cup of rice, plain toast... and I'll help myself to the salad bar." "Thank you." "[Country music playing] ls that her?" "Now it all makes sense." "She looks exactly like me." "Dad, I want to go home." "You can't let her get to you, son." "If you leave, she wins." "And dating is all about who wins and who loses." "waitress:" "Yee-haw!" "Welcome to The Panhandler." "Would any of you fine folks... care to take on our 72-ounce top sirloin steak?" "waitress:" "Finish it in an hour and it's free." "HANK:" "No, thank you." "Yes, I would." "That's a lot of meat, son." "What happened to being a vegetarian?" "And I want it rare." "ALL:" "All right, Bobby!" "Let's go!" "[All cheering]" "[Regal instrumental music]" "[All applauding]" "waitress:" "Okay, the rules are simple." "No one is allowed to help you chew or cut the meat." "And if you get sick before the finish, the contest is over." "Good luck." "Let's give him a little encouragement, folks!" "[All cheering]" "[Dramatic instrumental music]" "Attaboy." "You can do it, son." "Shovel it in, honey." "Don't be afraid to use all your teeth." "That's it." "36 down, only 36 ounces to go, son." "Tame that slab of beef." "[Dramatic instrumental music continues]" "You're just making a fool of yourself, Bobby." "Nobody's impressed." "[Squealing excitedly]" "Come on, kid." "Slice and swallow." "A steak-eating machine." "[Dramatic instrumental music stops]" "[Bobby sighs]" "[All gasping]" "[Exclaims in satisfaction]" "[Dramatic instrumental music resumes]" "[All cheering]" "[Ominous instrumental music]" "[Sighs in exasperation]" "[Groans in satisfaction]" "[All cheering]" "Come on, Mom, Dad." "We're leaving." "[Both cheering wildly]" "[Victorious instrumental music]" "Thank you, Arlen." "You two, I'm trying to eat." "Son, the worst part's over." "Now you'll realize just how silly...." "The couch is gone!" "No!" "[Tires screeching]" "We didn't even get a chance to say goodbye." "[Groaning]" "[Sentimental instrumental music]" "Hi, Bobby." "Hey, Connie." "Are you okay?" "Me and Marie just broke up." "[Bobby retching]" "You're taking it pretty hard." "You must've really liked her a lot." "No, I just ate a 72-ounce steak dinner in 37 minutes." "[Bobby vomiting]" "When you finish, you want to come over to my house and watch some television?" "[Bobby continues vomiting]" "[Bobby continues vomiting]" "connie:" "It doesn't have to be television," "bill:" "Why, I don't know, Dale." "No, I didn't see a thing, I bet the city hauled it away." "I know, Dale. I miss it, too." "Maybe it's all for the best." "We were starting to depend on that couch too much." "Yeah, it's probably... all for the best." "[Theme song]" "[Gentle instrumental music]" "Morning, Dale." "DALE:" "Hi, John Redcorn." "JOHN:" "Dale." "Morning, John Redcorn." "Peggy." "Just dropping off a new healing herb for Nancy... to help with her migraines." "Ginkgo biloba." "Yeah, sure, I've heard of that." "[Rock-and-roll playing on stereo]" "[Chuckling]" "Well, you must be reading Doyle Harcavy." "What's he got for us this morning?" ""When it comes to starting the day, nothing wakes me up faster than coffee."" "Boy, he's got that right." ""They say children are a blessing, but mine are holy terrors."" "Doyle Harcavy knows children." "Of course, his daughter jumped out a window." "[Sighing] I don't believe it." "Doyle Harcavy is retiring from the musings column." "No." "He's going to write product descriptions for Bradley Air and Heat." "l don't know how they'll ever replace him." "l know how." "You can write that column, Aunt Peggy." "You're a natural." "Now, Luanne, Peggy has a musing now and then... but Doyle Harcavy is a musing machine." "I think I could do it as well as anyone else could." "I play Boggle, and that takes verbal ability." "And I'm always making observations all day long." "Really?" "Go ahead." "Come up with one." "You mean right now?" "Okay." "All right." "Well, let's see." "[Muttering] I like milk." "Hey, that's the best so far." "Do one about cookies." "[Sighing]" "No." "Stupid." "Too obvious," "Why don't you try some out on me?" "Give me your five best." "I cannot work with you coming in here every two hours and yelling at me." "[Exhaling] I'm going to Nancy's." "[Rock-and-roll playing on stereo]" "Nancy." "[Moaning]" "Nancy!" "PEGGY:" "Hello." "Where are you?" "[Music stops]" "Nancy," "Nancy." "[Gentle music playing]" "There you are." "Hello, John Redcorn." "Yes, we were just back here." "I just had to get out of that house." "I am trying to do some creative work, and Hank seems to think... that he's helping by making me more and more stressed-out." "It is giving me a whopping headache." "Yes." "Headaches can often be caused by stress." "Of course, John Redcorn." "You're a licensed New Age healer." "Why don't I try a healing session with you?" "[Hesitating] I guess that would be all right. lt is my job." "That would be great." "Okay, I'll call you for an appointment." "That was awkward." "What kind of game is she playing?" "Sug', I don't think she knows about us." "Peggy's got such a trusting nature." "She always believes the best in people." "You know, all of a sudden, I feel dirty." "NANCY:" "I'm gonna take a shower." "JOHN:" "I'll join you." "[Car alarm beeping]" "PEGGY:" "Isn't this lovely." "I wasn't expecting carpet." "I was expecting...." "l don't know what I was expecting." "Not carpet." "Peggy, relax." "PEGGY:" "What an interesting chair." "When I'm sitting in a chair, I never know quite what to do with my head." "So this is wonderful." "Thank you. lt's from Brookstone." "[Moaning]" "[Car alarm beeping]" "[Whales squealing on stereo]" "The whales sing of joy and sorrow, of gain and loss... like LeAnn Rimes." "[Moaning]" "Now, there," "Now lie quietly for as long as you want, while I copy both sides of your insurance card," "[Snoring]" "Peggy's gonna have a hard time replacing Doyle Harcavy." "That guy's amazing." "You look at his picture in the paper, he never gets a day older." "She has to mail in a sample column this week." "But she'll muse circles around him if she can just get past her headaches." "Those headaches are good as gone." "Peggy went to John Redcorn for a healing." "What?" "Don't worry, old John R will fix her up just like he does for Nancy... three times a week." "bill:" "Oh, Hank... I'm sure Peggy's headache is nowhere near as serious as Nancy's." "I tell you what, man." "You don't want to know." "I can't even know what it is with you." "Don't worry about Peggy." "She does not have the same kind of... medical condition that's causing Dale's wife... to suffer unduly." "Where is she?" "[Exhaling]" "[Singing] Everything is beautiful ln its own way" "Hi, Hank." "Peggy, I guess dinner's gonna be a little late tonight." "[Peggy sighing] I just had a headache session with John Redcorn." "He lit some sweetgrass and then I drifted off." "The next thing I knew I felt fan-freaking-tastic." "Good." "Your headache's gone." "Then I guess you're all done with John-freaking-Redcorn." "Then I guess you're all done with John-freaking-Redcorn." "No, this is just the beginning." "I have already scheduled another treatment for next week." "Peggy, I don't know how some guy rubbing your neck helps your head." "I mean, what's the connection?" "My reporter's instincts tell me... someone's a little grumpy without his dinner." "I just got my first musing:" ""My husband calls me his better half..." ""because I better half dinner on the table when he gets home."" "I'm gonna go write that up while it's still fresh." "What's wrong, Uncle Hank?" "Nothing's wrong." "It's good news." "Peggy had her headache cured by John Redcorn." "[Gasps]" "Stop that." "Put your face back the way it was before somebody sees you." "What's wrong, Luanne?" "Nothing's wrong, Bobby." "Now go play outside." "Dinner's gonna be a little late." "[Gasps]" "Hank, would you like a beer?" "This is not a social call, John Redcorn." "I think I know why you're here." "Your wife came to me with a headache." "A real headache," "Her head actually hurt." "I know that." "But as I recall, that's how it started with Nancy Gribble." "Hank, you are my friend." "I promise I would never heal your wife the way I heal the wives of others." "You better not." "Because if you lay one unprofessional hand on Peggy... I'm gonna kick your ass." "[Wind blowing] I will." "[Peggy and Nancy laughing]" "Oh, my Lord." "Hank, I got it." "They are giving me the musings column." "Thank God." "You got the job." "The pressure's off." "No more headaches, right?" "Are you kidding?" "I have weekly deadlines now." "I'll have to schedule a regular night with John Redcorn." "What?" "No." "You don't need John Redcorn to get rid of a headache." "Here. I'll give you a massage." "[Peggy wincing]" "Just let me know where you really need it." "That's my kidneys." "Breathe." "Picture a wide-open field." "Throw some birds in there if you want." "Hank, stop it." "You're just pinching, slapping, and poking me." "What is it that you have against John Redcorn?" "Don't make me say it." "You know what he does to his clients." "You think he's overcharging me?" "For your information, I checked around." "He is less expensive than both vip and Oriental Massage." "For God sakes, Peggy, come on." "It's taken him 13 years to cure Nancy's headache." "So you're saying...." "What are you...." "You're calling him a quack?" "You're saying his methods aren't effective?" "HANK:" "No. I'm saying they're very effective." "Come on, you know what I'm talking about," "Nancy." "John Redcorn." "Joseph." "Good God!" "I just cannot believe that I could be so stupid." "How could you not tell me what was going on in my own side yard?" "I thought you knew." "How could you not know?" "Look at Joseph." "Where do you think he came from?" "Nancy told me Dale had a Jamaican grandmother. I believed her." "Oh, my God." "Dale." "Does Dale know?" "No, he's as slow as you." "In a sweet, trusting sort of way." "PEGGY:" "Shameless tramp." "How can she?" "I just cannot believe." "[Grunting]" "Ow." "You dirty bird." "What's wrong, sug'?" "Joseph is not Jamaican." "And neither is Dale." "And I am beginning to suspect that his grandmother isn't either." "So you know." "Who told you?" "No one had to tell me." "How stupid do you think I am?" "You've been cheating for 12 years." "Nancy, how could you?" "I have my reasons." "Yes, and I've seen those reasons packed into his Sergio Valente jeans." "I bet you don't even have headaches anymore." "PEGGY:" "And you!" "Dale Gribble is your friend." "How could you be a look-the-other-wayer?" "Now, Peggy, you're sort of freaked out because it's still fresh for you." "Live with it awhile." "You'll see, you'll get used to it." "The only thing I ever want to get used to is a cold glass of lemonade." "I am still a journalist, darn it." "[Sniffing]" "Did anyone else sniff today's garbage?" "And I thought yesterday's garbage smelled good." "Morning, Dale." "You poor man." "DALE:" "Hi, John Redcorn." "JOHN:" "Dale." "Well, well, well." "PEGGY:" "John Redcorn." "JOHN:" "Peggy." "Nancy's headache's very severe this morning." "Must be the pollen." "Well, well, well." "Well." "[Over-pronouncing] John Redcorn." "[Over-pronouncing] Peggy Hill." "minh:" "Peggy Hill, what's so important I have to jump off treadmill?" "I am so sorry, Minh, but I had to talk to someone." "It's about Nancy." "She's having an affair." "Oh, my God." "She's cheating on John Redcorn?" "You know about them?" "Not at first. lt took me about an hour." "But I am naive and trusting person." "Peggy Hill, you not know?" "l knew." "Peggy Hill not know." "That is so funny." "Okay, who I tell?"