"At Birmingham East, the Returning Officer is declaring the result." "James George Hacker: 21,793." "Arthur William Gaunt: 19,321." "So Jim Hacker's back, and after many years as a Shadow Minister seems almost certain to get a post in the new Government." " I haven't had a call yet." " Who from?" " Our new Prime Minister." " What do you expect?" "The car's only just got back from the Palace." "Any moment now, then." "So who was on the phone?" "Frank Wiesel." "He's coming right over." "Why doesn't he just move in?" "Annie, he's my political adviser." " I depend on him." " Why don't you marry him?" "Darling, you do over- react to everything, so." "Here we are!" "Jim Hacker... yes." "Oh, it's you." "Yes, was a good party." "Yes, I've got a bit of a headache..." "I will ring you back." "I'm waiting fora rather important call... bye bye." "Alderman Spottiswood." "I wish people wouldn't ring to congratulate me." "I'm waiting forthe call." "It's as if you're about to enterthe Ministry." "Yes, but which Ministry, that's the point." "Itwas a joke!" "Oh, I see." " Are you very tense?" " No, I'm not." "A politician's wife is not allowed to." "A happy carefree politician's wife." " What are you looking for?" " A cigarette." "Try the cigarette box." " It's empty." " Take a librium." "I can't find it, that's why I'm looking fora cigarette." "Oh, Jim, I've had it." "Would you pop out and get some?" "Sorry, I daren't leave the phone." "If the PM wants you to be in the cabinet, he'll phone back." "Oryou can phone back." "I ran the campaign against the PM forthe leadership." " Lf I'm out, well, who knows." " I could take a message." "There it is." "Hello... yes, speaking..." "Oh, it's you Michael..." "I haven't had a call, have you?" "Bill's had a call?" "What's he got?" "Europe?" " Bill's got Europe." " Lucky Europe." " Does Bill speak French?" " He can hardly speak English." "I'll call you back if I hear anything." "Right..." "Bye." "Fingers crossed." "Hello..." "Yes, speaking..." "The Gas Board." "Good Lord man, thatwas weeks ago." "I'm waiting fora rather important call..." "Look, there happened to be a general election yesterday..." "You voted forthe otherside, did you?" "How did you get to the polling booth on the right day?" "With two assistants, three return visits forspare parts?" "Look, Mr. Franklin..." "Frankly Franklin," "I don't care if the heating system collapses in ruins." "I've got to get off this phone, goodbye." "They won't come now." "If I get ConsumerAffairs, they'll come." "Hello?" "Hello?" "Hello?" "Darling, thatwas the front doorbell." "It'll be Frank." " Martin's got the Foreign Office." " Has he?" "Jack's got Health and Fred's got Energy." " Has anyone got Brains?" " Do you mean Education?" "No, I knowwhat I mean." " What's left?" "What have I got?" " Rhythm?" "Frank, I have heard absolutely nothing, not that it's surprising." "My whole career is going down the drain because the PM is unable to reach me on the telephone." "You get it, darling." " Hello." " Hello, this is the BBC." "Would Mr. Hacker like to be interviewed on the PM program?" " PM?" " PM?" "Jim Hackerhere..." "Are you available this afternoon?" "Yes." "Any time you like." "Could we interview you?" "I'd been hoping you'd call." "What job do you think you're likely to get?" "I beg yourpardon?" "What job do you think you're likely to get?" "That's foryou to tell me." " What?" " Well, it's not up to me to say." "That's forthe PM to say." "You're the PM's office..." "Oh, I see." "The BBC PM office!" "How silly, what a silly mistake, Yes... yes." "Good bye." "I did try and tell you." "You answerthe bloody thing." "Hello..." "Mrs. Hackerspeaking." "Oh, congratulations, "Prime Minister"." "It's Annie here." "Give me that phone." "Hello..." "Yes..." "Prime Minister." "Yes, of course..." "Yes, I..." "Righto." "I'll be on the next train." "Top tip forAdministrative Affairs is Jim Hacker." "Kenneth, isn't he on the young side fora Cabinet post?" "Yes, well, he's in his late forties." "But it's certainly a jump up forhim." "On the otherhand, this department's been a bit of a political graveyard recently." "A furthergroup of Cabinet appointments has nowbeen announced from Number Ten." "The Ministry of Administrative Affairs goes toJim Hacker, the formerShadow Minister forAgricultura." " Good afternoon, Minister." " Good afternoon." "Bernard Wooley, Principal Private Secretary." "Mr. Lloyd Pritchard, Assistant Private Secretary." " This is my political adviser..." " Oh yes, of course, Mr. Weasel." "Wiesel." "I was the Minister's Principal Private Secretary in the last goverment." "However if you..." " I'm sure you'll be just the thing." " Thank you, Minister, howkind." " Where are we all going to?" " You are going to youroffice." "What about Frank?" " Where's Frank?" " He's being taken care of." " Would you wait here?" " This is the Waiting Room." " Precisely, sir." " I'm Jim Hacker's adviser." "He has a whole department to advise him." " He needs me." " Of course." "But until he sends foryou, please, wait." "A sherry Minister?" "Jim." "Oh Gin." "No, no, Jim, Jim." "Call me Jim." "I would preferto call you Minister, Minister." "Minister, Minister?" "Oh quite, quite." "I see what you mean." "Do I have to call you Private Secretary, Private Secretary?" " No." "Do call me Bernard." " Thank you, Bernard." "You're mostwelcome." "Yourhealth, Minister." "Well what now?" "Allowme to present Sir Humphrey Appleby," "Permanent undersecretary of State and Head of the D.A.A." " Hello, Sir Humphrey." " Hello, and welcome." " Thank you." " I believe you know each other." "Yes, we did cross swords in the Public Accounts Committee." "I wouldn't say that." "You came up with all the questions." "Opposition's about asking questions." "And Government's about not answering them." "You answered mine." "I'm glad you thought so." "Good luck." " Who else is in this Department?" " I am the Permanent undersecretary known as the Permanent Secretary." "Wolley is your Principal Private Secretary." "And I too have a Principal Private Secretary." "Directly responsible to me are 10 Deputy Secretaries 87 UnderSecretaries, and 219 Assistant Secretaries." "Responsible to the PPS are Parliamentary Private Secretaries." "The PM will be appointing two Parliamentary UnderSecretaries, and you will appoint yourown Parliamentary Private Secretary." "Can they all type?" "None of us can type." "Mrs. McKay types." "She is the Secretary." "Pity we could have opened an agency." " Very droll, sir." " Yes, very very amusing." " I suppose they all say that." " Certainly not, Minister." "Not quite all." "Right, now then, to business." "Forgive me if I'm a bit blunt, but that's the sort of chap I am..." "Frankly, this depart..." "This chair's a bit..." "We can change it, Minister." "We can change the furniture, decor, office routine..." " Yourwish is ourcommand." " I'd like a new chair." "Hate swivel chairs." "Two kinds of chairs to go with the two kinds of Minister." "One sort folds up instantly, the othersort goes round and round in circles." "Now, frankly this Department has got to cut a great swathe through all this stuffy Whitehall bureaucracy." "We're going to throw open the windows, let in a bit of fresh air, cut through all the red tape, streamline this creaking old bureaucratic machine." " You mean a clean sweep?" " A clean sweep." "Fartoo many people just sitting behind desks." "Not like us, of course." "Butwe've got to get rid of all those people." " Get rid of them?" " "Redeploy them"." "Yes." "Good Lord no, I don't mean put them out of work." "Open Government, that's what my partybelieves in, thatwas the main plank of ourmanifesto." "Taking the nation into ourconfidence." "Nowhow does that strike you?" "Do sit down." "Just as you said in the House on May 2nd last year, and again on November 23rd, and in The Observer and in The Daily Mail, and as yourmanifesto made clear." "You know about that?" "Please, have a look at these proposals." "These are the ways to implement this policy and proposals fora white paper foryourapproval." "The white papermight be called "Open Government"." " You mean it's all been..." " Taken care of, Minister." " Who did all this?" " The old bureaucratic machine." "No, quite seriously." "We are seized of the need forreform." " And we have taken it on board." " I'm rathersurprised." "I expected to have to fight you with this." "People do have funny ideas about the Civil Service." "We're just here to implement yourpolicies." ""Proposals forshortening approval procedures in planning appeals"?" "Hansard Volume 497, page 1102, Column B." "Quote "Mr. Hacker:" "Is the Ministeraware that planning procedures make building a bungalow in the 20th century slowerthan building a cathedral in the 12th century?" "Opposition laughter and Government cries of shame"." " They didn't actually cry shame." " Quite so, Minister." " Right, I think that's it then?" " There are two more things..." "This is yourdiary fornextweek, Minister." "My diary?" "You didn't know I was coming." "Norwho'd win the election." " There'd be a Minister, Minister." " Don't start that again." "Even though we didn't know itwould be you." "Her Majesty does like the business of government to continue even when there are no politicians around." " Bit difficult surely?" " Yes... and no." "It's a busy week." "Nine cabinet committees, the Annual dinner of the Law Institute." "You will have to make a speech." "Deputation from the British ComputerAssociation." "Opening the National Union of Public Employers meeting." " Anotherspeech..." " Wait a minute..." " What about all the otherthings?" " What otherthings?" "I'm on fourpolicy committees forthe party." "You won'twant to be putting partybefore country." "No, no, of course not." "I'll just fetch yourboxes, Minister." "Boxes?" "Already." "The last Ministerhad some work throughout the campaign, but I fear... well, it's not forme to criticise..." " What do you mean?" " It's a harsh thing to say." "Some of the boxes actually came back with the work not done." "If you complete the first four by Saturday, yourdriverwill deliver the othertwo." "Villa's at home to Liverpool." "And I've got a surgery on Saturday." "If we minimise it, you need only take the majorpolicy decisions." "No, no." "No." "No." "I take all the decisions round here." "Now then what time shall I come in on Monday?" "You'll catch the 7.45 train from New Street, and yourdriver will meet you at Euston." "If I could just put in these draft proposals." "And here, this is yourkey, Minister." "Out of my way." "I've had enough of this." " You can't go in there." " Just try and stop me." " Jim, what's going on?" " Frank, where've you been?" " Stuck in the waiting room." " We are in private conference." " Then I should be here, too." " Calm down, Frank." "Humphrey, Frank has got to have an office ofhis own." " Certainly, if you insist." " I do insist." "I do think we have some spare office space in Walthamstow." " Walthamstow?" " Yes, it's surprising." "The Government owns property all over London." " I don'twant to be there." " It's in a very nice part." "Walthamstow's a very nice place so I gather." " I need an office here." " Why's that?" "Yes, I agree with Frank." "Bernard, we must find an office here for Mr. Weasel." "Wiesel." "Copies of all the papers that come to me go to Frank." " All?" " All." "It shall be done." "All the appropriate papers." "How's yournew Minister, Humphrey?" "Learning the rules very quicklyfora newboy." " How's yournew Cabinet?" " No problem." "Similarto the last one." "Arnold, I hearthe American Ambassador's been spending a lot of time with the PM." " Yes." " Defence ortrade?" "Both." "The aerospace systems contract?" "Ssh." "Don'twant the cabinet to hearabout it yet." "This aerospace thingumy would be rathera coup forthe PM, wouldn't it?" "Yes, now the new PM will take the credit." "Sorry to intrude SirArnold, Sir Humphrey, if you could just OK the Minister's speech," "I can get it straight to the House." "Yes, of course." "Like to join us?" "Oh, thank you, so long as I'm not too long." "Get yourself a cup of coffee." "So itwould be rather an embarrassment to the PM, wouldn't it?" "if a hypothetical Ministerwere to rock the Anglo American boat?" "Grave embarrassment." "How grave?" "Man overboard, I should think." "Enough to cut short a promising new Ministerial career?" "No question." "Pull up a chair, Bernard..." "And tell us what you think of ournew Minister." "Well absolutelyfine." "Yes, we'll have him housetrained in no time." "He swallowed the whole diary, and I gatherhe did his boxes like a lamb lastweekend?" "Yes." "Yes he did." "We must head him off this Open Government nonsense." "We were calling the White Paper "Open Government"." "Always dispose of the difficult bit in the title." "Does less harm there than in the text." "The less you intend to do about something, the more you have to talk about it." "What's wrong with open government?" "Why shouldn't the public know more about what's going on?" "Are you serious?" "Well, I mean it's the Minister's policy, afterall." "It's a contradiction in terms." "You can be open oryou can have government." "But surely the citizens of a democracy have a right to know." "No." "They have a right to be ignorant." "Knowledge only means complicity and guilt." "Ignorance has a certain dignity." "But if the Ministerwants..." "You don't just give people what they want, if it's not good forthem." "Do you give brandy to an alcoholic?" "Thatway people don't know what you are doing wrong." "I am the Minister's Private Secretary, and ifhe wants..." "You must not help him to make a fool ofhimself." "Look at the Ministers we've had." "They would have been a laughing stock had it not been forthe most rigid secrecy about theirdoings." "What do you propose to do?" " Can you keep a secret?" " Of course." "So can I." "Excuse me, I have to make a phone call." "Well, I'd betterbe getting this back to the Minister." "Martin." "Has the weasel had a copy of the invoice forthe new American addressing machines?" "I thought you said it was sensitive." "So it is." "Get it to him today." "Oh, and Martin, let him find it nearthe bottom of the pile." "Jim, Jim." " Yes." " Look what I've found." "We've got them by the short and curlies." "We've got Sir Humphrey Bloody Appleby and Mr. Toffee Nosed Snooty Wolley just where we want them." "See this?" "This innocent-looking piece of paper." "Political dynamite." "Calm down." "What are you talking about?" "This is an invoice for 1.000 computervideo display terminals." "At 10.000 pounds each, that is, ten milion pounds." "So?" "Made by the Pittsburgh Manufacturing Corporation Inc.," " Imported from America?" " I know." "Butwe make computerperipherals in this country." " In my constituency." " I know!" " What about unemployment?" " I know!" "This must be stopped." " Sir Humphrey to see... oh sorry." " Oh no." "No, come in." "I want to see you both, come on." "Sir Humphrey, take a seat." "Thank you, Minister." "Now then, Frank here has just discovered this contract forthe import of ten million pound's worth of video display terminals, from America." "May I see?" "Oh yes." "Forthe whole Civil Service in Whitehall." " But they're not British." " That is true." " We make them in this country." " Not of the same quality." "Betterquality." "In my constituency." " We were advised..." " This contract must be stopped." "It's beyond my power." "This can only be cancelled by the Treasury." "Why's that?" "Would be a majorpolicy change forthe Civil Service to cancel contracts, especially with overseas suppliers." "If you'd like to take it up with the Cabinet." "How am I to face my constituency party?" "Why need they know?" "Why need anybody know?" "We can see that it nevergets out." " Open Government." " That's right." " It must be published." " That's right." "Why?" "Well... er..." " Why, Frank?" " The manifesto." "And yourpredecessor will look like a traitor." " Two unanswerable reasons." " You didn't bargain forthis!" "You're not suggesting that the Ministershould make a positive reference to this confidential transaction in a speech?" "Speech." "That's it." "Jim, what about the speech to the Union of office Employees?" "I'll tell them about this scandalous contract." "And we'll release it to the press today." " Who's running the country now?" " Well... yes." " You object?" " It might be regrettable," " if we upset the Americans." " The Americans." "It's time they lose theircommercial complacency." "We must think of the British poor, not the American rich!" "If that is yourexpress wish, the Departmentwill back you, up to the hilt." "That is my express wish." "I'd bettercirculate the speech forclearance." "It does not involve any otherdepartment." "Open Government demands thatwe include ourcolleagues, as well as ourfriends in Fleet Street." " Oh yes, that's fairenough." " I'm not sure." "Thank you." "And Humphrey..." "See that goes straight to the press." "We shall serve yourbest interests." "Thank you." "Now then..." "Let me see." "We've made a pledge to the people about open government." "So let's have some." "I have discovered that the previous government signed a contract to import office equipment" " foruse by the Civil Service..." " Bureaucracy!" "Used by the Civil Service bureaucracy." "So, we are being fobbed off with second rate American junk by smart Aleck salesmen from Pittsburgh while British factories stand empty and British workmen queue up forthe dole." " Unemployment benefit." " The dole, Bernard." ""Much as I personally value the friendship of ourgreat cousins from across the sea"." " Minister, something's come up." " Yes?" " A minute from the PM's Office." " I'm prettybusy." " You ought to read this." " What does it say?" "The PM is planning a visit to Washington fora valuable Anglo American defence trade agreement." "Its importance cannot be overestimated." "Fine." "Has my speech gone to the press?" "I presume so, as you requested." "I'm sorry, but all hell's just broken loose at NumberTen." "They're asking why yourspeech didn't obtain clearance." " What did you say?" " I mentioned open government." "But it seemed to make things worse." "The PM wants to see you in the House, right away." "What's going to happen?" "The Prime Ministergiveth and he taketh away." "Blessed be the name of the Prime Minister." "Hello, Vic..." "Sir Humphrey Appleby, Vic Gould, ourChiefWhip." "You really are a pain in the arse." "The PM's going up the wall." "Hitting the roof." "You can't go around making speeches like that." "It's Open Government." " Shut up, Weasel." " Wiesel!" "But Open Governmentwas the main plank in ourmanifesto." " The PM believes in it too." " Open, yes." "But not gaping." "In politics you have to say things with tact, you berk!" "And when to say nothing at all." " How long you been a Minister?" " Week and half." "You will appear in the Guinness book of records." "I can see the headlines already." ""Cabinet split on U. S. Trade." "Hacker leads revolt against Prime Minister." "That's what you want, is it?" "Ah, SirArnold, what news?" "That speech is causing the PM some distress." "Has it been released to the Press?" "Well, the Ministergave express instructions fornoon." " Isn't that right?" " I'm appalled at you, Humphrey." "How could you let the Minister put himself in this position?" "We believe in open government." "We want to open the windows." "Isn't that right, Minister?" "It's good party stuff, but it puts the PM in a very difficult situation." "What about Open Government?" "This seems to be the closed season foropen government." "Do you want to give thought to a draft letterof resignation?" "Just in case..." "Can'twe hush it up?" " Hush it up?" " Yes, hush it up." "You mean... suppress it?" "Yes, I suppose I do." "You mean thatwithin the framework of the guidelines about open goverment that you have laid down, you're suggesting we should adopt a more flexible posture?" "Am I?" "Oh yes." "Yes." "About the press release..." "A development could precipitate a reappraisal of ourposition." "We forgot the interdepartmental clearance procedure." "The supplementary stop order came into effect." "So, yourspeech hasn't gone to the Press." "It's only gone to the PM's Private Office and the Duty Officerhad no instructions to pass it out" " without clearance." " But how come?" "The fault is entirely mine, Minister." "The holding up of press releases dates back to before open government, and I unaccountably omitted to rescind it." " I hope you forgive this lapse." " Well, yes, of course." " That's quite all right." " Thank you, Minister." "Afterall, we all make mistakes." "Yes, Minister."