"The headlines tonight" " Euro MPs' headsets play the sound of screaming women..." "Bryan Ferry bath mat poisonous say lab... and bouncing elephantiasis woman destroys central Portsmouth." "Those are the headlines." "Happy now?" "Hello, sir!" "On "The Day Today" tonight - MP in heartless outburst after bomb goes off in Hurd's bath..." "One bomb's gone off in his hand, but he just says, "I didn't need it, anyway."" "...and a handshake from Michael Heseltine for the children he is about to shoot." "How do you do?" "Nice to say hello to you." "The Bank of England is in chaos because the pound has been stolen." "As the news broke, trading rooms were plunged into chaos, even seasoned campaigners reduced to squawking the day's panicked cry..." " What's happening?" "..."What's happening?"" "The pound was stolen at 1.30 this afternoon by thieves dressed as cleaners." "They drove a white Montego." "Helicopter police gave chase, but, despite the shunt, the men escaped, making good with their legs across open ground." "As City markets crashed and flew off, the government tried to stabilise the economy with an emergency currency based on the queen's eggs, several thousand of which were removed from her ovaries in 1953 and held in reserve." "This meant anyone seizing on the panic selling of dead pounds could become a millionaire in an hour." " How much money have you made today?" " About ten million." "Throughout the day, bank officials have refused to confirm rumours that the pound was only vulnerable because they removed it to play with at lunchtime and forgot to put it back." "Later, we'll ask Malcolm Rifkind for his view and why he likes pulling the legs off dogs and shooting foreigners." ""The Day Today" - hommy sidey news." "I'm Alan Partridge." "Hello." "Rally driving." "The championships start tonight, but here's what I did this morning." "Hi." "You join me with Susie Herper, one of this Britain's top LADY rally drivers." "Susie, you're going to be subjecting me to some atrocious punishment." "What's that?" "Well, I'm going to take you round the course." "Fantastic." "And, er... the stickers - what are the stickers for?" " Advertising." " It's as simple as that?" "It really is that simple." "Um..." "Before we go, just to explain - this camera will be watching my face." "It's the size of a slim panatella cigar." "Um, one more thing - it's a great model, it goes like a bomb... and the car's not bad, either!" "Let's go burn some rubber." "Well, you seem quite, er..." "Whoa-ho!" "Whey-hey!" "Hey!" "Spunky lady!" " Hence the bumpiness!" " Yeah!" "You certainly know how to handle this bitch!" "You keep her in line!" "I like it." "It's good." " You've gotta show the car who's in control." " You let it know who's the queen." "The car's the bitch, you're the queen, and I like it!" "Whoa!" "Yeah." "Have to brake here." "This is pretty steep stuff." "Easy!" "Easy!" "Whoa!" "Watch out for that!" "What?" "Don't be stupid!" "Watch out for that!" "Careful!" "Well, whilst driving like she was may be big and clever on the rally track, it certainly isn't on a housing estate." "Remember - lives matter." "Chris." "It's been revealed that Junior Treasury Minister Michael Portillo, carries a sawn-off shotgun to constituency meetings, corners children in parks and chews their cheeks, and has frequent sexual intercourse with animals, claiming, "If it's got a backbone, I'll do it."" "That story we have discovered to be untrue." "Paul Boetang." "Are young people taking the right cues from their culture?" "I think young people make a contribution and indeed form the culture in which they live and in which we all live." "How do you feel about some of the more..." "dangerous elements of their cultural mêlée?" "I don't know what you mean by their more dangerous elements." "We're talking bang!" "I'm talking guns, people like Uzi MC, the Blood Rap movement, Herman the Tosser..." "How do you feel about the stuff that they churn out?" " I think it's rather sad, and..." " What?" "Herman the Tosser?" "...and I think there are very many young people who are turned off by that violence, by that sexism, by that racism and by that homophobia." "Are you levelling those accusations at Herman the Tosser?" "No, I'm not." "Herman the Tosser is not someone who's invaded my own consciousness, although clearly he has invaded yours and is a concern." " It sounds to me..." " It sounds to me, too." "It sounds to me rather an unpleasant name, but he may be a delightful person." ""The Day Today" - the last scintilla of doubt just rode out of town." "The American serial killer Chapman Baxter is to be executed today by his last victim." "Barbara Wintergreen reports." "Florida State Penitentiary, and killer Chapman Baxter has dug deep into his past for tomorrow's execution ceremony." "The best kind of justice would be if my last victim, Colin Akavito, could be dug up and he could kill me." "At Oregon's Manimatronics Center, Dr Travis Daveley fleshed out Baxter's unusual request." "We'll do the arm movements." "Coffin boffin Travis has undertaken to manimatrize Colin Akavito, who Baxter blasted in the past." "He's even helping him to speak." "There's three simple voices." "First is a kind of generic voice." "Justice." " The second one is Martin Sheen." " (DRAWLS) Justice." "And the third is my favourite" " Louis Armstrong." "(CROAKS) Justice." "America is electrified by this vegolante victim." "He's appeared in a cadavalcade of chat shows, and squeezed new life into fruit juice ads." "(VOICEOVER)... zangiest fruit juice you've ever tasted, there ain't no... (LOUIS ARMSTRONG CROAKS) Justice." "Live wire Akavito is dating supermodel Kendal Ball, who's stuck on the stiff." "Colin's kind of cute." "He's strong and silent and, um... doesn't bullshit me like other guys." "Do you get to spend time alone together?" "Well, Travis is always with us, but I like it that way." "I've got this dream whereby there's a whole village of reanimated corpses, and a control tower with a bank of monitors, and I control all the corpses." "Why not normal people?" "Why not leave things as they are?" "Because..." "Normal people..." "Because I wouldn't have my tower." "I want a tower." "The day of justice, and Baxter renews his acquaintance with the body of evidence." "In whose voice do you wish justice to be done?" " Martin Sheen." " Thank you very much." "You may proceed." "Colin decomposes himself before delivering a stiff charge to Baxter." "(MARTIN SHEEN DRAWLS) Justice." "(AGONISED SCREAM)" "As Chapman Baxter came to bury his past, his past came to bury him." "Barbara Wintergreen, CBN News, at the corpsecution, Florida State Penitentiary." "BBC mandarins are bleating again." "This time because new soap "The Bureau" has plummeted out of the ratings." "The BBC said, " Don't read too much into the fact" ""that we're sending them out on tour on a truck." ""It's standard policy for all programmes." Let's have a look." "(THEME MUSIC)" " Maria?" " Yeah?" " You know I'm gay?" " Yeah." "Well... do you think it's possible for a gay man to love a woman?" "Of course, Guy." "There's no rules to love." "You've got to follow your heart." " Maria?" " Yeah?" " I love you." " Watch out!" "Hennety!" "Oi!" "I'm running a high-class bureau de change, not some two-bit nipple peep show in Rio de Janeiro." "Ange!" "Where you been?" "We've been worried." "It's not "Ange" any more, actually." "It's "Mrs Hennety" to you." "A cat miaows." "A horse neighs." "A lion roars." "A bird sings." "A snake hisses." "A human... barks." " Now business with Collately Sisters." " Thanks, Chris." "You do it!" "No, you get it!" "It's over there!" "Arguments like that broke out today when economic talks collapsed, and Spain withdrew and began trading with itself." "The peseta burst open at four." "The pound was barely audible." "It rotted by 3.9 points against the dollar, and there was bad news for coat developers Watney Heckbulb, nrrrrrrrrrr, who were ordered to cease trading because of burping." "Chris." "Chris." "On to the money markets, and the international finance arse." "And the US and Japanese cheeks started off with a gap of 2.4, but increased trading formed a unified arse at around lunchtime, which held for the rest of the day." "In summary, then - oh, no." "Chris." "For a second night running, London's police are out clamping the homeless." "The measures have been in operation since Monday and are proving successful." "The clamps are bolted onto any homeless person found asleep or motionless after 9pm." "This is when London's street people start accumulating in doorways, many of them drunk and pissed up on booze." "The clamps ensure that any homeless causing a blockage stay put when they wake up." "They've probably been sick, too." "They are then prosecuted and punished." "Reaction to the measures has been strong." "We've spoken to Kim Wilde." "Do you feel bad when they clamp homeless people?" " When they clamp them?" " Yeah." "Businesses on the Strand getting in people to clamp them so they can't move away, and then they fine them." " I didn't know that." "That's awful." " Should clamps be illegalised?" "Certainly on human beings." "It's obscene." ""Enviromation", from me, Rosy May." "A revolution in household heating is sweeping across America - frozen fire." "Normal fire is solidified in special cold furnaces and packaged for home freezer storage." "It can be defrosted later and poured onto logs." "Frozen fire saves heat." "The echo from the nuclear bomb that destroyed Hiroshima is set to devastate the city again." "Half of the original blast has ricocheted off Jupiter and will strike Japan in 2041." "It's not yet known whether the city will be evacuated." "I'm Rosy May." "Tread not on the leaves, for you tread on my face." "Today is the anniversary of 1944." "People did different things then, and lived different lives." "This "Day Today" reminiscipackage features contemporary memories and footage from a time when a five-speed, three-litre Capri was the stuff of a madman's dreams." "(REPORTER) What was the food situation like?" "Oh, it was dreadful." "Of course it was dreadful." "Sometimes we even had to eat bits of the house." "Bricks, and..." "The mortar was tastier than the actual bricks because it had been mixed up once, so you could mix it up again." "You used to try to get it off other people's houses, of course, and houses that had been bombed, but sometimes you had to eat your own house, and it was better to find yourself without a house than without food." "Electricity was very, very expensive, but you had to have a light of some kind, so we had the..." "We thought it was quite a good idea..." "Babies have such a lot of energy, so we used to connect the house to a baby, and that used to keep the lights going." "I don't remember much about 1945, because that was the year... that was my hibernation year." " Can I have your name?" " You'd go and get your ticket, and then you'd be given just a few weeks to get yourself organised." "You knew you had to keep going." "You got into a box and curled up and you went to sleep." "It was our bit of the war effort, to keep ourselves out of the way." "During the war, everybody was called up to be in the War Cabinet." "I was called up to be the foreign secretary for a month." "So I was in meetings and having to express opinions and I had to travel abroad." "I went over to France and I met the French foreign minister who seemed quite impressed, because my French really was rather good." "So we had conversations with me understanding everything he said and answering him, but whether I answered him properly, I don't know." "This is "The Day Today"." "Still to come - controversy over new Treasury appointment..." "I'm sick of this." "Treasury, Treasury, Treasury." "It's all I hear." "All of you, (BEEP) off!" "...and new anti-shoplifting measures for a BQ store in Bracknell." "If I catch anybody stealing from the shop, I shoot 'em through the mouth with this." "The number of MPs in Westminster with Slemmel's disease has risen to 22." "Slemmel's disease is a brain virus that affects the victim's ability to read." "They can see words, but have no idea what they mean." "Baroness Trumpington showed signs first two weeks ago." "She may have caught it from a badger." "Then John MacGregor." "The virus is highly infectious and lives in peppermints." "This was the moment Peter Lilley realised he was in trouble." "Slemmel's also affects leg-eye coordination, causing victims to walk past places they intend to stop." "So, could you..." "Hey!" "By last Friday, William Waldegrave had little control." " Mr Waldegrave!" " Teddy Taylor followed." "Mr Tay..." "Oi!" " And Jimmy Knapp severely." " Mr Knapp!" "Most seriously of all, on Monday John Patten showed unmistakeable signs, failing to recognise familiar surroundings and objects..." "Ah!" "...clearly having no understanding of the day's briefs." "The second document proved equally mysterious, and the third he didn't even try." "The disease shows no sign of stopping." "This morning, Malcolm Rifkind appeared lost just 20 yards from his office." "Doctors say the only treatments they can offer so far are rubbish." "A man sees God in his car." "He crashes." "Today's historic trade agreement between Australia and Hong Kong marks a new season of hope for world trade." "The countries have been at odds for years, but now a treaty allows unrestricted trading between all parties at all levels." "I'm joined by Martin Craste, British Minister with Responsibility for the Commonwealth, and Gavin Hawtrey, Australian Foreign Secretary, in Canberra." "This is pretty historic stuff." "A future of unbridled harmony?" "Australia?" "Yes, I think that Martin Craste and I can be pretty satisfied." "It's a good day." "Lf, as in the past, Australia exceed their agreement, what will you do?" "This is a very satisfactory treaty." "Naturally, if the limits were exceeded, this would be met with a firm line." "Mr Hawtrey, he's knocking a firm line in your direction." " Well, we'd just reimpose sanctions..." " Sanctions!" "Hang on a second." "They've just swallowed sanctions, now they're burping them in your face!" "I think sanctions is rather premature talk." "If sanctions were imposed, we would take appropriate measures..." "I think "appropriate measures" is a euphemism, Mr Hawtrey." " What are you going to do about that?" " I'd have to consult Cabinet." " About what?" " Maybe it's a matter for the military..." " The military!" " Military measures is totally inappropriate." " This is way over the top." " You're being inappropriate?" "Of course I'm not." "Martin Craste knows that full well." "I thought we'd laid these misunderstandings to rest." "Misunderstanding it certainly is." "It's no treaty." "You're both backing yourselves up with arms." "What are you going to do about it?" "Mr Hawtrey, let me give you a hint - "Bang!"" " What are you asking me to say?" " You know damn well!" "You're entering a situation of armed conflict." "What are you plunging into?" " You'd like me to say it?" " Yes!" " You want the word?" " The word!" " I will not flinch..." " From?" " War." " War!" "Gentlemen, I'll put you on hold." "If fighting broke out, it would probably take place in Eastmanstown on the Australio-Hong Kong border." "Dônnnald Bethl'hem is there now - Dônnnald, what's the atmosphere like?" "Tension here is very high, Chris." "The stretched twig of peace is at melting point." "People here are literally bursting with war." "This country's going to blow up in its face." "Gentlemen, little option now but to declare war immediately." "I couldn't take such a decision without referring to Chris Patten in Hong Kong." "Good!" "He's here via satellite." "Mr Patten, what about a war now?" "I'll take that as a yes." " Very well." "It's war." " War it is." "That's it, Chris." "It's war!" "War has broken out!" "This is a war!" "That's it!" "Yes." "It's war!" "From now on, we'll provide the most immediate coverage of any war ever fought." " On the front line, Dônnnald Bethl'hem." " Standing by, Douglas Hurd." "Our smart bombs have nose-mounted cameras." "This is smart bomb Steven." "That is Suzanna Gekkaloys." " I'll be reporting from inside the fight!" " Like some crazy Trojan!" "And keeping an eye on everything, at the news pipe, Douglas Trox!" " Chris!" " First, the weather from Sylvester Stuart." "Now the weather, starting in the south-east, where the sun should plop through later, like having your hand sewn back on after a farming accident." "Let's revolve the weather collar now to the Midlands, where I was first bereaved." "And there'll be a large cack of heavy cloud, but it should stay dry enough to dance outside until Lord Beelzebub calls upon us." "Now, if we rotate the throat circle back to the West Country..." "There'll be several gits of bad weather across most of the sky, no more severe than soft porn." "In summary, then - and that's all the weather." "Back to the war, and on the front line, Dônnnald Bethl'hem." "What's the latest?" "As I swilled the toothpaste from my mouth this morning, a soldier's head flew past the window shouting the word "victory"." "Have you seen any fighting yourself?" "Today I saw an old woman on the ground, lying in a pool of her own tomatoes." "Thank you." "Earlier, I've been among the fighting myself." "This is my report." "There's something about the way these people move that tells you they are at war." "Look into their eyes, and you can read the words," ""I have a reservation at the restaurant of death."" "It's a messy bistro, with a bad name for soiling its customers' clothes." "We've seen only one napkin in four days." "People here are confused, spending most of their time running about like idiots." "Earlier today, we met a family, who thanks to this war, now have no home." "A war which they feel has nothing to do with them." "(TRANSLATOR) This is not our war." "We are being forced to swallow the rotten egg of an angry political goose." "(CHRIS) That boy is now a war orphan." "Another victim of what they call the "desert confetti"." "I have a child about his age myself." "When I phoned him, I told him to leave to make room for his new brother." "Back live. "The Day Today" smart bomb." "Get rid of Hurd!" "Thanks!" "Well, Chris, there's the missile, trying to locate the target it's aimed at." "There's the soldier." "In the mouth, into the stomach, there's the explosion." "Absolutely bang!" "Another tear on the face of the world's mother!" "Alan!" "Sport!" "Thanks, Chris." "And now some late-night soccer results." "I'm Alan Partridge." "This is division two." "Richmond Arithmetic versus Nottingham Marjorie, match postponed due to bent pitch." "Goodnight." "Suzanna Gekkaloys has broken through to the front line." "This is her contribution to history." "This is the very heart of the conflict." "The men here have been fighting non-stop for three days." "We drove in at night, into the middle of a rocket battle." "The air now is thick with what they call here the "electric cornflakes"." "We're under strict instructions not to leave the vehicle but to drive on through." "With no cover, we ran across open space to a nearby house." "We found an injured man." "We did our best." "There are always casualties in war." "There was a family in the back room." "We had no tongue in common, but I knew she was saying," ""Come, set your equipment up." "The world must see this mess."" "These brave people are now sleeping, but they know that tomorrow our aerials and transmitters could make this house a prime target." "Chris." "Back to the war, and amid what they call the "flying scissorbeans", there is no optimism - until just two minutes ago, when we received these pictures from the front line, less than a mile from where I'm standing." "This was the scented rose in the bumgut of Satan." "For here at 7. 13 precisely, the fighting stopped." "Soldiers, who moments earlier were shooting each other's teeth out, put down their guns and joined in peaceful commune." "Some played games or, like these men, planned a musical." "The reason for this calm lay inside a shed." "For here, two world powers were unified by nothing more than the distress of a cat stuck on a shelf." "No one knows how it got there, but these fighting men, moved by the animal's plight, decided to forget their differences and try to get it down." "But even as the men celebrated, their heads were blown clean off... for somebody - nobody knows who - had filled the cat with nitro-glycerine." ""The Day Today" - news from telly to bellyl" "Just time for tomorrow's headlines." ""Plastic surgeon arrested with stash of stolen mouths." That's in the " Express"." ""The Hull Aphrodite" - "Police chief crushes lizard with whistle."" "The "Daily Mail" - "Child made of paint wins by-election."" "The Murdoch papers - " Crazed wolves in store a bad mistake admit Mothercare"." "The same story in the "Sun"." "The "Daily Mirror" have a special pull-out note for the milkman." "They're doing three, two and four later in the week." "That's "The Day Today" on the day a man told how he was menaced by Hugh Sculley." "He just came in and went... then went out." "That's it." "Goodnight." "Available from now on commercial video - "The Day Today" " This Is Our War", featuring the men and women who've sacrificed themselves at the altar of fact and the beat of over a thousand pop classicsl" "#Jetl Ooh-woohl Ooh-whool #" "# Get down on it" "# Get down on it... #" "# Dreadlock holiday, dreadlock holiday... #" "# Clap-clap, clap-clap" "# Clap-clap, clap... #" "# Show me I'm a lady... #" "# You really got me, you really got me... #" "# Gotta stop sobbing" "# Yeah, yeah, stop it, stop it... #" "# I'm wishing on a star... #" "# Burn, baby, burn" "# Disco inferno" "# Burn, baby, burn" "# Burn that mother down... #" "# Oops upside your head" "# Say oops upside your head" "# Say oops upside... #" "# Hands up, baby, hands up" "# Give me your heart, gimme, gimme" "# Your heart, gimme, gimme" "# Hands up... #" ""The Day Today" " This Is Our War"." "Bang after bang after bang after bang!"