"(barking orders)" "Company "A" will be here." "Sergeant Bilko's platoon will bi... bivouac in this area." "Same as every year." "Same as every year." "Yes, but with one exception-- this year we'll have Sergeant Bilko with us." "Sergeant Bilko-- that's the one you told me about, sir?" "Yes, Sergeant Bilko-- "Sick Call" Ernie." "Hmm..." "Once a year, uh, the word "bivouac" brings on a complaint that Major Donald..." "Now, Colonel, when a soldier comes in with a strange ailment," "I must put him in the hospital." "Strange ailment-- look at his record." "Every year, a new disease." "Rhinitis, oafitis, bovinitis..." "Bovinitis-- it took you a week to find out it only affected cows." "Tonsillitis twice." "Once the hard way, without tonsils." "I confess, Colonel, I'm helpless in Bilko's hands." "I know." "That's why I'm asking Captain Curtis to examine today." "What's this the men called you at your last medical post?" "Oh, I believe it was "Iron Curtain" Curtis, sir." ""Iron Curtain" Curtis." "Yes, sir." "They've really got to be sick to get by me." "Captain, if you let Bilko get by..." "Sir, you can consider Sergeant Bilko on bivouac." ""This platoon"-- that's you" ""led by Sergeant E. Bilko"-- that's me" ""will leave at 0900 on foot," ""carrying full pack tents, field equipment" ""and proceed 20 miles to Bivouac Area B, known locally as Bittleman's Swamp."" "(barking orders)" "Anything else?" "BARBELLA:" "Sick call." "Now, I..." "Here, here, here." "Back." "Stay!" "Attention!" "You guys have been goofing off pretty good." "Eyes right." "Attention." "Forward march." "(barks)" "Nothing, nothing." "You're not on the ball at all." "Come on, men, let's get behind the colonel in this glorious project of his to turn us into hard-muscled, steely-eyed American soldiers that we've admired so many times in the newsreels." "Ten-hut!" "Dismissed." "Put me on the sick list." "I'll be in the hospital in 15 minutes." "Oh, Ernie, not again." "Sarge, what's wrong?" "I'll soon find out." "Get me my medical book." "Ernie, every year, we go on bivouac, and every year, you and the other master sergeants check into the hospital for a week of poker." "Rocco, I'd love to join you guys in the great outdoors, but I'm just not that type." "I told that to my draft board, but they wouldn't..." "Ah, here it is." "Symptoms of Rare Tropical Diseases." "Here it is, gentlemen." "This is the key way-- the key way to gracious living." "Ah, Mess Sergeant Sowici." "What pinnacles of gastronomical delights are your busy little hands fixing for us today?" "Chipped beef on toast." "Yes, sir, and only you can make it, pal, with the lumps in the right places." "You do a great job, Stanley;" "great job." "You look a little tired, a little peaked." "You could use a little rest." "I got news for you, Ernie-- this year we ain't going into the hospital with you." "Wait till you see the disease I picked out for you, pal." "It's a real grabber." "You'll love it." "Forget it, Ernie." "Every year you come in here and try to talk us into going to the hospital with you." "You know, being locked up with you in isolation is like being in a foxhole with a real fox." "You ain't gonna get us..." "What's the disease?" "Major Donald will really flip when he sees you." "Spiralitis." "Spiralitis?" "Yeah, you show up on sick call with your body twisted all the way around." "Twisted around?" "Yeah, it's a dis-- it's a disease common with the natives of Madagascar." "You got to stay out of the wind or you'll get screwed into the ground." "Now look, all you got to do..." "Forget it, Ernie." "We ain't going in with you." "Get yourself another sucker." "I've had it." "Now, you're not going to leave me in that isolation ward all by myself with my Wilkinson's disease." "Oh, that's what you got?" "Oh, it's perfect." "The only symptom's a pain in the chest, spot in front of your eyes and your right hand trembles." "Oh, it's great." "I ain't going in with you." "Oh, you'll go." "Hey, tell me, isn't this huckleberry pie a little sweet?" "It's blueberry pie." "You taste that and tell me it's blueberry pie." "Blueberry." "Oh, those taste buds of yours." "In France, you'd be knighted." "Now, don't forget-- when you come to the hospital, bring a lot of food, we'll be in there a week." "I ain't going, Ernie." "You'll be there, you'll be there." "No." "You'll be there." "No." "Oh, please, listen to me." "I ain't going." "You'll be there, pal." "No." "No." "Don't worry about it." "The creeping Caledonian croup?" "!" "Oh, it's great." "I was going to take that one for myself, but it's you, Andy, it fits you." "You'll be the talk of the malignant disease set." "I ain't going in with you." "At least on the post," "I'm free to run when you flash a deck of cards, but what chance have I got cooped up with you in an isolation ward?" "Look, when you show up in the major's office, bend over and wheeze a lot." "It'll be very effective." "I'm not going in." "Oh, you'll be in." "And look, when you come to the hospital, be sure and bring your mambo records." "I hear there's a new nurse-- when she hears the maracas, goes out of her mind." "It's no use, Ernie." "It's no use." "We took a vow." "I'm not going in with you this year." "You'll be in there." "Look, I'm going now." "Last one into the hospital is a dirty thermometer." "I'm..." "I'm not going to be there." "Why do you always fight me?" "When I..." "Tell me, is this blueberry pie or huckleberry pie?" "Blueberry." "I guess you're right." "Well, see you at the hospital." "Oh, no, I'm not going to the hospital." "I made up my mind-- you'll be there, pal." "I'm not." "(groaning and wheezing)" "That's perfect, perfect, pal." "Major Donald will swear that you got rutabaga poisoning." "I never tasted rutabaga in my life." "You never?" "You'll have your picture on every medical journal cover in the world." "Now look, when you show up, be sure and bring your record player, 'cause Pendleton's bringing his mambo records." "I told you, you're going in without us this year." "Why does everybody fight me?" "You're going..." "Is this huckleberry pie or blueberry pie?" "Blueberry." "Hmm." "That's what I thought." "See you at the hospital." "I'm not going in." "Oh, you'll be there, pal." "I'm telling you I'm not going in." "Well, sir, Sergeant Bilko isn't here yet. -(door closes)" "He'll be here." "It's bivouac time." "When he comes, don't forget." "Don't worry, Colonel." "Miss Swenson and I know every trick." "He'll find out that Captain Curtis and I are running a hospital, not a hideaway for fakers." "Mm-hmm." "I think Bilko is in for a surprise." "(phone ringing)" "Yes?" "Bilko?" "He is?" "Send him right in." "We were expecting him." "Do you mind if I stay?" "I've always wanted to catch his act." "It'll be a very short act, I can assure you, sir." "(moans and groans)" "Oh, excuse me." "I was expecting Major Donald." "Bilko." "Sir?" "This is Captain Curtis-- one of our new medical officers." "He's making the examinations today." "Captain, glad to have you aboard, sir." "Colonel, you do have the happy knack of surrounding yourself with excellent men." "I always say Johns Hopkins' loss is our gain, Captain." "Never mind." "What's your stand on socialized medicine, Cap...?" "Never mind!" "Take over, Captain." "Well, Sergeant, what is it this time?" "What?" "Noth..." "Wh-What's wrong this time?" "Wrong?" "Oh, I see what you're doing." "You think I'm here on sick call." "I never felt better in my life, sir." "You what?" "!" "Of course." "I just came here to check on some of my men-- see if they're trying to get out of bivouac by pretending they're sick." "They're a great bunch of boys, Captain, but they are rascals." "They are rascals." "This is Sergeant Bilko?" "Bilko, you mean it's bivouac time and there's nothing wrong with you?" "No, sir." "Just a little quickening of the pulse, thumping of the heart, anxious to get out in those open spaces with my men, digging those foxholes." "Oh, sir, there's nothing like bivouac." "How do you know?" "You've never been on one." "Really, sir, that's unkind." "Just because in the past I've been unfortunate enough to get these rare afflictions, I have no..." "I know, I know." "We shove off in 15 minutes." "Yes, sir, and I'm looking forward to it." "Finally getting out on bivouac, sir." "Oh, this is a dream come true." "Never thought I'd make it, sir." "Neither did I." "Ah, he's a grand man, a grand man, the colonel." "They don't make 'em like him anymore." "You know, top man in his class at West Point." "You knew that, didn't you, Captain?" "Sir, I see you're busy." "If you'll just sign these papers," "I'll be off and join my men." "What papers?" "Well, it just says that I'm in perfect health to go on bivouac." "If you'll sign it, sir, I'd appreciate it very much." "You want me to sign this?" "Well, you see, the men, they're gossipers, you know." "They're afraid that if I go on bivouac, I'll break down." "They don't want the responsibility of bringing a body home." "You know that's just false rumors." "If you'll just sign, assuming all the responsibilities, I'd appreciate it." "Well, just a second." "I mean, uh, it's silly signing anything if you're in perfect health." "Sir, perfect..." "If I was in any better health," "I'd be on all the recruiting posters." "(laughing)" "I... (grunting)" "Nothing, nothing at all, sir." "Sometimes it's a little shvitz in there." "It's nothing at all." "If you'll just sign, I'd appreciate it." "Well, I don't like to sign anything until I'm sure I know what I'm signing." "Sir, it's just a mere formality." "If you'll just sign it." "Sergeant." "Yes, sir?" "Your hand-- does it always shake like that?" "Oh, no, no, sir." "It's just..." "Uh, it was just an accident." "I'm just a little tense." "I'm dying to get out in those open fields, join my men on that bivouac, in the out... (sharp groan)" "What is it, Sergeant?" "Nothing!" "Nothing at all, sir." "Nothing." "I take a deep breath, and it all goes..." "Are you sure you're all right?" "Oh, sir, I'm in perfect health." "You can... you can..." "Excuse me, sir, I don't want to be impertinent, but is, uh, that a regulation tie?" "Why, of course it is." "With polka dots?" "Do you see polka dots?" "Uh, aren't there any p...?" "Must be these glasses." "I must have them cleaned, sir, I really must." "Now, wait a minute, Sergeant." "Now, just one minute." "Trembling hands, pain in the chest, spots before the eyes." "Now, what is that?" "Sir, it's..." "It's nothing, sir, believe me." "What is that?" "I'm in perfect health, the only Bilko so far who's never contracted the family curse of Wilkinson's..." "Wilkinson's!" "No, sir, I didn't mean to say that." "I heard an old cousin..." "Please, sir!" "Pay no attention to what you saw, sir." "It's noth..." "It's on page 82, sir." "It's nothing at all, because, please, sir," "I'm in great health." "Wilkinson's, huh?" "Trembling hands..." "Sir, please." "Nurse, orderly, this is an emergency." "I'm putting you in isolation immediately." "The hospital?" "Oh, no, sir." "Put this man to bed." "Sir, won't you reconsider?" "I want to join my men." "What ward, sir?" "Sir, please don't..." "Ward D, the same ward." "Would you please...?" "Put him in isolation." "Sir!" "Stand back!" "What's the matter with you men?" "Don't you realize that Wilkinson's disease is the most contagious ever known to medical science?" "Good heavens, I'd almost forgot." "Sir, please forgive..." "(groans)" "There's luggage in the hall." "Don't just stand there, my luggage out there..." "Sir, won't you recon..." "Bilko, who were you in contact with today?" "Sir, I'm no stool pigeon." "My lips are sealed." "Bilko, we've got to round up those men and put them in the same ward with you, for the health of this whole post." "Now, who are they?" "Well, if you put it that way, sir," "I did share the same piece of pie with three..." "Same piece of pie?" "Now, what were those fellows' names?" "Think, Bilko." "There's so many men on the post." "I..." "Oh, yes, I believe it was, uh, Sergeant Sowici..." "Sowici." "..." "Pendleton and Grover." "Sowici..." "But sir, please reconsider." "I've never felt better..." "(groans)" "No!" "No, I'm..." "Quick, put him through examination." "I'm in perfect health." "Won't you...?" "Hey, are these your things?" "Be careful with that luggage." "There's some egg rolls there." "I don't want it squashed." "I said..." "Sergeant Sowici." "Oh, yes, Captain Curtis." "Sergeant Sowici, did you taste the piece of pie that Sergeant Bilko was eating today?" "Yes, it was blueberry." "He tried to tell me it" "was huckleberry." "Grab him, put him in isolation immediately." "But it was blueberry." "I made it myself." "Please, fellas, not in the same ward with Sergeant Bilko." "I got the new shirts, the new slacks." "They're yours." "But not with Bilko." "All I did was eat one little piece of pie." "Don't put me in the same room with Bilko." "Not with Bilko." "We're ready to go, sir." "The men are moving out to the bivouac area." "Yes, I know." "(bugle call fades)" "Look, there goes Bilko's platoon." "This is a sight I've been waiting for" "Bilko leading his men." "(marching footsteps)" "Where is he?" "Maybe he's behind them." "Oh, oh, didn't you hear, sir?" "Hear what?" "Oh, it's tragic." "Oh, don't tell me." "Yes, sir, he's in the hospital." "Captain Curtis says it's one of the rarest diseases." "Stop the bivouac!" "Stop the bivouac?" "Stop the bivouac!" "This outfit doesn't go out without Bilko." "Yes, sir." "He's not getting away with it!" "He..." "All right, this is it, men." "Unpack the luggage." "I'll tell you where everything goes." "Oh, Sergeant Bilko's back." "Back again." "Can a moth stay away from the flame?" "Stop." "(telephone handset rattling)" "Hello." "Give me the diet kitchen." "Hello." "Mrs. Dombradski." "(speaking Polish)" "Yes, it's Ernie." "She remembers me." "What else do you remember, dear?" "Yes, the steaks-- blood rare." "There's a good girl." "And look, Lena, this year with the goulash, go out of your mind." "Plenty of paprika." "Yes, I love you, too, you passionate Pole." "All right, darling." "Yeah, all right, sweetheart." "I'll see you la..." "Wonderful girl, if she could only cook." "(mambo music playing)" "He's made a fool of me, Major." "Nobody makes a fool of me." "Now, what's that?" "That is mambo music." "Bilko's classes have started." "Miss Swenson, see what's going on and put a stop to it immediately." "This is a hospital, not Roseland." "Don't worry." "Let yourself go." "You're all off." "Chika-chika-chik." "Thika-thika-thik." "Spa-spa-spa." "# Ta, ta-ta #" "No, let's go!" "Let's go with it!" ""¡Arriba!" Yell "¡arriba"!" "¡Arriba, arriba!" "¡Olé!" "¡Olé!" "Wait a minute." "Give me the beat." "Stop this!" "(music stops)" "Please, you'll have to wait your turn." "Come on, darling." "Bum-bum-bum..." "May I ask what's going on here?" "May I ask what you're doing here when I didn't ring for you?" "Ring for me?" "This is Miss Swenson, the head nurse." "Nurses, get back to your duties!" "Miss Swenson, a thousand pardons." "And here I've been waiting to meet you all day." "What's going on here?" "!" "I order you...!" "Stop!" "Stop?" "Would you say that again the way you just said it?" ""I order you to..." Say that again, please." "I order you to..." "No, no, say it with the same flash, the same fire you said it with originally." "Say it, please." "I order you to..." "Do you see it?" "Do you see the same incredible interpretation?" "Garbo." "See that?" "Garbo?" "You saw it, too." "You noticed it, didn't you?" "What are you talking about?" "Oh, you know what I'm talking about." "The same bone structure, the same fire, the same inner beauty." "But then again, Garbo was Swedish." "I'm Swedish." "Oh, no, please don't drive me mad." "Don't, please." "It can't be!" "It can't be that same happy coincidence." "You..." "Well, the bone structure there, it's Garbo." "Look, we won't say a word." "What was your stage name?" "Just tell us, please." "What nonsense are you talking?" "Oh, you know what I'm talking about." "Just tell us what plays you've been in." "We live such a drab life." "We love you people of the theater." "I was never on the stage." "He's crazy. (giggles)" "Yes, I'm crazy." "Crazy to think for a moment this talent, this fire could have been hidden for so long." "You're exquisite, that's what you are." "Tell us your stage name." "Come clean." "Well, in-in nurses school, we did have a dramatic class." "Huh?" "Huh?" "I see things." "Did I notice it right away?" "It was there all the time." "We did Peter Pan." "Peter..." "Oh, I can just see you flying through the air." "I played the dog." "The dog?" "Why, that producer should be horsewhipped." "Anybody that would take this talent..." "Oh!" "What's wrong?" "!" "Please, please forgive this ecstasy, but I just became conscious of your hands." "My hands?" "There's something about Swedish women, gentlemen." "Their hands, they tell you a story." "There's an electricity in them that's..." "Oh, it's just overwhelming." "Now, don't tell me you never gave a massage before in your life." "Well, as a matter of fact, when I first came to New York..." "Oh, of course." "I knew it right away." "That's magic in their hand..." "Just, just against the grain, dear." "Not too hard." "That's fine." "Oh, that's good." "Over..." "Oh, it's heaven!" "Oh, Ernie, you're a panic!" "Hilda, gently, Hilda." "Hilda, gently." "You're ruining my clavicle." "Gently, Hilda." "And then she says to me, "Look, he bought a goat." "Fine." ""But how did you get a goat that looks just like the colonel?"" "(both laughing)" "HALL:" "Ha-ha-ha!" "Oh, wait, it gets better." "And then..." "Attention!" "Oh, sir, I need some more oxygen." "These beds..." "Quiet!" "On your feet!" "Sir, these..." "On your feet!" "Miss Swenson, what's going on here?" "Well, Ernie here complained..." "She was kind enough..." "Now, you keep quiet!" "Miss Swenson, come with me." "I know where we left off, dear." "I'll tell you later." "Miss Swenson!" "Colonel, it's nice of you to..." "Some fruit for the Colonel." "Fruit!" "Never mind, Bilko." "Pardon me for breaking in like this." "I know you didn't ring for me." "Oh, sir, please, be free to come here whenever you want." "Won't you, please?" "Thank you, Bilko." "I know you... how you missed not being out there leading your men." "Sir, if they hadn't hidden my clothes," "I'd tear through these walls, sir." "I know." "Ah!" "Sergeants Sowici, Pendleton and Grover." "Hail, hail, the gang's all here." "How about that?" "# Hail... #" "SERGEANTS: # Hail, the gang's all here... #" "Quiet!" "Bilko, for the past eight years" "I have been laboring under the delusion that I run this post." "It's time to face facts." "You, Sergeant Bilko, you run this post." "Oh, sir, I couldn't do it without your cooperation." "Really." "I give you my word, sir, you're a peerless leader." "I am a stooge." "No, sir, don't say that." "But from now on, the joyride is over..." "Private." "12 years of suffering." "12 years of finagling and goofing off." "And you're going to get out there on that bivouac." "But sir, regulations." "Regulations?" "Regulations?" "Look who's talking about regulations!" "(laughing)" ""Tactibulba fatalis."" "Mm-hmm." "We'll use that one." "But Captain, it's against all regulations." "I know." "That's why only the two of us must know about it." "He's made a fool of us, Miss Swenson." "Now, two can play at that game." "We're gonna throw a scare into Sergeant Bilko that's gonna keep him off sick call for the rest of his life." "Where's his overseas record?" "Here." "To think I let him fool me into giving him a ma..." "Quiet!" "Let's see." "Stationed in New Guinea in the settlement of Gubichi." "Mm-hmm." "Come along, Miss Swenson." "What is this?" "What is this?" "Somebody would think I was sick or something." "Sergeant, all we know is you were just put on the critical list." "Critical list." "(sergeants laugh)" "I knew I overdid it." "I'm the victim of my own talents." "Under the "O," 81." "He's ready." "Under the "N..."" "Hello, Captain, join us." "Bingo." "It's only ten cents a card, all right?" "Now, Sergeant Bilko, just relax, relax." "Miss Swenson, I'm sure this X ray must be wrong." "X ray?" "Let me fess up to you, Captain, so I can tell you what..." "Now, please, Sergeant, please." "Hmm." "Has every sign." "Well, we'll have to make some more tests." "Look, look, look, Captain, before you go out on a limb," "I'd better confess." "I never had Wilkinson's disease." "We know that, Sergeant, we know that." "The X rays prove you haven't Wilkinson's disease, but thank heavens we took that X ray and found out." "Found out what?" "Now don't get alarmed, Sergeant." "No case of Tactibulba fatalis has ever been reported in this country before." "Tactibulba falali..." "What is that?" "It's a tropical disease, a hundred percent fatal." "A hundred percent fatal?" "!" "Now, Sergeant, you couldn't possibly have Tactibulba fatalis." "Oh, thanks." "No." "You see, the disease is cons... uh, confined to the island of New Guinea, so how could you possibly have it?" "New Guinea?" "I was stationed in New Guinea during the war." "You were?" "Yes." "Oh, no, it couldn't be." "You see, this disease occurs only in a tiny little settlement" "called Gubichi, so how could you...?" "Gubichi!" "I was there for 18...!" "You know I was in...!" "Yes, sir!" "Miss Swenson, alert the Walter Reed Tropical Disease lab immediately!" "Tell them we've isolated Tactibulba fatalis!" "Sir, fatalis?" "Miss Swenson, you better send it in code," "or it's gonna panic the country." "Sir, don't..." "Now, Sergeant, you're going to be all right." "Miss Swenson, alert the chaplain." "The chaplain!" "Let's not...!" "The post won't be the same without Bilko. -(sobs)" "Where is Captain Curtis?" "NURSE:" "He's at Sergeant Bilko's side, sir." "Well, he won't be for long." "I have an order here from Major Donald stating that Bilko is perfectly fit to go on bivouac." "That phony faker!" "He's spent his last day in this hospital." "(sobs):" "His last day!" "What's wrong?" "Sir, that "phony faker," as you call him, is at death's door." "I didn't know." "I didn't know." "I didn't know." "(knocking)" "Come in." "Am I too late?" "Uh, sir, I'd like to speak to you for a moment." "I know all about it." "Please, leave me alone with the boy." "Sir, I'd like to explain so..." "Please!" "That's an order." "Yes, sir." "Hello, Ernie." "Colonel..." "Oh, no, Bilko, you don't have to salute." "I'd feel better..." "Well, sir, I sure got out of bivouac, didn't I?" "Pretty nurses, mambo record!" "Don't worry, don't worry." "You'll be out of here in no time." "You're gonna be all right." "No use, Colonel, I know." "I've been ordered to that big bivouac up yonder." "Bilko, here are your... here are your stripes back." "Oh, thank you, sir." "Master Sergeant Bilko." "You will see that I'm wearing these when they...?" "With full military honors." "I mean, you're gonna be all right." "Full military honors..." "I don't deserve it, sir." "I've been a bad soldier." "No, Bilko, you've been a good soldier." "It was a pleasure to inspect your barracks." "They were the cleanest on the post." "Colonel, I have to confess." "I can't have it on my conscience." "What?" "Those weren't my barracks you inspected." "I always led you to the barracks next door." "You mean...?" "S..." "Sir, I don't blame you for being angry." "(laughs):" "Who cares?" "You're a great military leader, sir." "Great military leader." "Bilko..." "I must confess." "Uh, you know all that talk about me being top man in my class at West Point?" "Weren't you, sir?" "They called me "melon head."" "Melon head?" "!" "Shh, shh, shh!" "You must carry that secret with you to your grave." "I-I mean, you're gonna be all right." "Colonel, the captain has something very important to tell you." "I'll be right back, Bilko." "I will be with you right to the la..." "I mean, you're gonna be all right." "And..." "I'm going to give you a leave for one month." "That's a promise." "Sir, if I can ever get out of here," "I'll take a bivouac for a month." "That's a promise." "Colonel, the captain must speak to you." "Coming." "Hilda, Hilda, is that you, Hilda?" "Well, little Peter Pan," "I'll soon be in Never Neverland." "I can't stand it!" "It's not your fault." "Oh, I can't be a part of this torture any longer!" "You're perfectly all right." "I'm..." "It was a trick." "You're very healthy." "We did it to scare you." "You kidding me?" "You and Captain Cur...?" "It's a gag?" "I'm all right?" "!" "Yeah." "I can get on my feet again?" "Yes." "Back to the mambo?" "And the colonel promised me a month furlough." "Wait a minute." "I promised him I'd do a month on bivouac." "Does the colonel know about this?" "No." "Get me back in bed." "Don't tell him anything." "I gotta get out of this promise." "Hilda, I'm depending on you." "Here, give me that." "He's resting very easil..." "Colonel, is that you?" "It's getting darker, sir." "Dark." "Hang on." "Colonel..." "Sergeant..." "Uh..." "I made a promise that..." "I made a promise..." "After you, sir." "No, you go ahead, Bilko." "Well, sir, I made a promise to go out on bivouac, but sir," "I just realized, in my condition I don't..." "You'll live to go on biv..." "bivouac, I know." "You promised." "But sir, my condition, I don't think..." "Well, now, Ernie, it occurs to me that I mentioned something rather personal to you." "You mean, about "melon head," sir?" "Shh!" "Shh!" "If you promise not to reveal that..." "Will you promise to take me off bivouac, sir?" "I didn't say that." "But sir, if you want to make a deal..." "I'm not making any deals!" "Sir, please, you're yelling at me!" "My condition..." "I know your condition!" "You're as healthy as a horse!" "And you're going on bivouac!" "MPs!" "Sir, this shattered body, you can't be..." "Take this shattered body and get it out on bivouac!" "Sir, won't you...?" "M.H. M.H.!" "Don't you dare!" "ANNOUNCER:" "Miss Swenson was played by Philippa Bevans," "Captain Curtis by Arthur Storch."