"# Live like you're gonna die Tomorrow #" "# Wild, like you are The final flame #" "# White flash into the dark #" "# Before the rain Comes thundering down #" "# Live like you're gonna die Tomorrow #" "# Shoot your gun At the rising sun #" "# Crash right I nto your walls #" "# And watch them all Coming tumbling down #" "# She don't mind, Shakes it all the time #" "# Like a monkey's On her back #" "# You got time, Man she got the crime #" "# Gonna get it While she can #" "# Live like you're gonna die Tomorrow #" "# Wild, like you are The final flame #" "# White flash into the dark Before the rain comes #" "Ah!" "Rachel!" "What are you doing?" "I want you out of here now!" "All right, calm down, darling." "Calm down." "You have no business here." "I work here." "Not anymore." "What do you mean?" "You're fired." "Where am I supposed to go?" "You kicked me out of the flat, I need the rest of my clothes." "I'm keeping the rest of your clothes so I can burn them!" "Fuck you, Rachel!" "This is ridiculous." "You can't run a restaurant without a chef!" "That is not your concern anymore." "I know you're upset, darling." "Don't you think you're going a little tiny bit over the top?" "Do you remember what you told me last night?" "You had a threesome." "You had sex with two girls." "One isn't bad enough." "You had to do it with two!" "It doesn't count as two, darling." "What?" "It happened at the same time." "So it's one indiscretion with each girl counting as half!" "If anything, it's better than one because it shows there were no real emotions involved." "Get out!" "Get out." "No emotion." "What are you waiting for?" "Have you been having sex with someone in here?" "Right, that's it." "I want you out of here now." "And if you so much as set foot on my cafe, I'm calling the police." "I'm gonna stand out here until you have calmed down." "Good morning." "(Grandma) Oh, what lovely roses." "They're all dead I" "Grandma, how are you doing?" "Look." "Grandma, you're not really supposed to be here, okay?" "J ust sit here quietly." "I'll go get you a nice cup of tea, right?" "I'll be right back." "My God." "Do I feel like crap today." "I know." "Me, too." "Remind me the next time Dylan suggests an after-hours drink, to punch him in the face." "I feel like someone shat in my mouth." "That's nice." "What's going on with Charlie?" "I just saw him half naked out in the corridor." "Rachel kicked him out last night." "No!" "Don't you remember?" "They'd a screaming row, and then she told him she'd never want to see him again." "Bloody hell." "I thought they were the perfect couple." "Well, they were, except that he was fucking other people." "[Door opens]" "[Humming] Morning, Tom." "Morning." "Oh, Tom, would you mind doing the cooking today?" "Me?" "Yeah." "Is that okay?" "I'll do my best." "I thought we'd do a lasagna special." "What are you gonna have?" "M ike." "I really think I'm too stoned to be here right now, Danny." "You need to relax, man." "I'm beginning to feel extremely anxious." "What are you gonna have?" "M ike?" "Why are you..." "Why are you looking at me like that?" "I'm just wondering what's with the hat." "Shit hair cut." "I'm single for the first time in four years," "I'm not gonna pull with a shit hair cut." "I don't know." "Let's have a look." "It looks the same as it always does." "Like shit." "Danny, don't look now, but there's a woman over there." "She's really strange looking." "She's staring at me." "What woman?" "I told you not to look." "Do you think if I went over there and sat in that chair opposite her, she'd think I was sitting on top of the person she's talking to?" "I don't know." "She's freaking me out." "Dylan." "Charlie's gone." "I'm having to do all the cooking." "Do you think you'd like to join us for work at all today?" "I feel like shit." "I'm waiting for my agent to call, okay?" "I'll be there in a minute." "I'll tell Rachel." "Give me a break." "I'll be there in a minute!" "You're like my mother!" "[Telephone rings]" "Hello?" "(woman) Rachel, Davies is coming in today." "Today?" "Does it have to be today?" "Yeah." "Is there a problem?" "No, that's fine." "At what time?" "Don't know." "It could be any time this afternoon." "You will let me know what time." "I'll try." "Okay." "Thanks." "Shit!" "I shouldn't have had that split before lunch time." "It's too early for me." "Where did you get that stuff, Danny?" "J ulian." "Jesus Christ!" "J ulian?" "The guy's a maniac." "He pumps his stuff with all kinds of shit." "God knows what was in it." "It's what makes it great." "Give me strength." "What are you trying to do to me?" "You get me stoned off me tits and bring me to a place full of freaks." "Now she's got me off." "All right, mate, calm down." "[Grumps]" "Okay." "Danny, please, can we go now?" "I'm starting to get upset." "M ike, I think you're having a paranoia attack." "No shit." "Dylan, why aren't you inside?" "You are unbelievable." "Don't blame Tom." "We've got customers." "I'm waiting for my agent to call." "We were supposed to talk to the publishers on Wednesday." "I'm sure he'll call when he's got something to tell you." "Get in." "You're such an ass." "So do we have to work while you sit on your ass all day?" "You're not the only one with a splitting headache, you know!" "It started since you split up, and you started acting like a such fuck up case." "Excuse me?" "Correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't it you that told me to split with her?" "I said you shouldn't get married." "It amounts to the same thing." "Yeah, but what's that about?" "Giving you ultimatums?" "Women know that no man in their right mind wants to get married." "Ever." "But only do it 'cause they put them under psychological and emotional pressure." "Why is it women spend their entire lives dreaming about weddings and men avoid them for as long as possible?" "I don't know." "Because the old concept is completely female-orientated." "It's a celebration of female victory over the male." "At least it's better than being alone and miserable for the rest of your life." "Oh, bollocks, mate." "You need to learn to go out and enjoy the single life." "I bet she is." "I bet you she is going out right now, getting laid by every Tom, Dick, and Harry she can get her filthy hands on." "Danny, what are you saying?" "Women are like that, mate." "They act like," ""Oh, I'm gonna crumble and die if you break up with me." Bullshit!" "She is going out, having great sex with a variety of partners, doing all the weird sort of experimental shit she could never do with you." "Could you just please shut up, all right?" "Mate, I'm just trying to help." "Don't help." "All right, here you go." "You'd better get a move on." "We're starting to fall behind." "How am I meant to do all these?" "My God, Tom, what the hell is that?" "[Glass whistling]" "Do you have to do that?" "Do you have to read while we're sitting together?" "I told you I was gonna read." "You invited yourself along." "Because I thought that you might want to talk to me." "I did talk to you." "We had a nice chat." "Now I'm reading." "Why don't you get yourself a paper?" "Can I get a latte, please?" "U h, sure." "Anything else?" "No, that's it." "It's a good book." "Yes, it is." "What was all that about?" "What was all what about?" "The business with the waiter." "What is wrong with you?" "He was mentally undressing you." "He was doing his job." "Don't be ridiculous." "Doing his job?" "Yeah." "Where are you going?" "I'm gonna take a piss." "Can you go for a couple of minutes without flirting with any strangers?" "I can't give that to our customers, Tom." "It smells like old vomit." "What's it meant to be, anyway?" "That's lasagna." "Lasagna?" "Are you joking?" "I'm not a chef." "What do you want from me?" "You're gay, aren't you?" "Gay men are supposed to be able to cook." "That's conventional." "Here, smell that." "Jesus Christ!" "What is that?" "It's meant to be lasagna." "It's meant to be lasagna?" "Nobody complained about it on Tuesday I" "I tried to freshen it up a bit!" "My God, I'm doing the best I can under very difficult circumstances!" "Rachel, smell that." "Tom says it's meant to be lasagna." "Out of interest, is anyone planning on doing the washing up?" "Why don't you do it for a change?" "I can't serve that." "You don't wash upl" "Does that look like lasagna?" "Willy, Charlie!" "People, please!" "I can't cope with you acting like small children." "I know we all feel like utter shit, but we're just gonna have to pull together." "Charlie's gone." "U ntil I can replace him, we're just gonna have to make do." "I saw him." "We could ask him to come in." "He's not to come in." "Is that clear?" "Yeah." "Go on, Tom." "You help with the customers." "Tell them we're out of the pasta special." "Bloody twat." "Dylan." "We've got a real nut job." "Table six." "You'll have to deal with her." "No, no chance." "Come on." "I always have to handle the weirdos in this place." "No." "J ust let her sit there." "She'll get bored and leave." "You two are a couple of pussies, aren't you?" "She's my grandmother." "Your grandmother?" "Yeah." "You got a problem?" "Does she look freaky lookn'?" "That's the way you look like when you spend half your life in an institution." "Does Rachel know she's here?" "No, she doesn't." "And you'd better not tell her, unless you want these tongs to be a permanent part of your anatomy." "Wait until she gets here." "Find yourself a random girl." "Shag her." "Dump her." "That ought to sort you right." "Out." "What?" "What is it?" "Mate, I think your luck just came in." "The table over there, right behind you." "Do you recognize that bird?" "No." "Who is she?" "Mate, she's a bloody porn actress." "Wait here." "I'm gonna talk to her for you." "Don't be insane." "What are you gonna say?" "A mate split up with her girlfriend and needs a little female company." "No, you can't say that." "Sure I can." "The drugs have fucked with your brain." "Rubbish." "Going over there." "Don't do it." "It's gonna end in tears." "Probably mine." "[Clears throat]" "H i there." "Hello." "Look, I..." "I hope you don't mind me coming over here or anything, but, uh," "I just had to tell you that I... really love your work." "I mean, I think that you bring pleasure to a lot of men." "Myself included." "I'm sorry?" "You know, with the films you are in." "No, I don't know." "Yeah, you do." "There was that one you did." "It was brilliant." "Walking to the men's song and end up being shagged by three blokes." "What the hell is going on?" "H i." "What are you doing?" "Nothing." "We're just..." "This guy has mistaken me for someone else." "Really?" "Are you sure..." "She said that you had the wrong person." "Oh, right." "Okay, yes." "Sorry about that." "That's, uh, fair enough." "Sorry, mate." "[Clears throat]" "What happened?" "Wrong girl, apparently." "Fucking nob." "You all right?" "Yeah, I'm fine." "He's not worth it, you know." "It's not just Charlie." "Then what is it?" "I've applied for a job at the Marion." "The Marion?" "Bloody hell." "Yeah." "The manager position was up." "I've had two interviews, and now the owner wants to come here to check out the cafe." "He's coming today." "Like he couldn't come any other day." "Christ, Rachel." "Am I hallucinating or was that guy insinuating that you were in a dirty movie?" "I think he might have been." "How dare he?" "I'll just go over there right now and put him straight." "It was a mistake, Mark." "J ust forget about it." "Forget about it?" "I mean, it's not true, is it?" "How can you even ask me that?" "Of course it's not true." "Do you swear it on your life?" "You want me to swear on my life?" "Yeah." "Why not?" "If it's not true, swear on your life." "Because I don't swear on my life." "I don't!" "Fine." "J ust look me in the eye and tell me that it's not true." "For God sake's, Mark." "It's not true!" "My God." "It's true, isn't it?" "Mark!" "I know when you're lying to mel" "Shit." "What do you mean, "shit"?" "I mean, you weren't supposed to find out like this." "How could you do something like this?" "It was just to make some extra money." "It was the only way I could stay on the university and finish my Comparative Literature degree." "Jesus Christ!" "What are you doing?" "Don't be so melodramatic!" "It was only sex!" "Shh!" "Don't say that word." "Look, just tell me, how many men did you fuck in these things?" "I don't know." "What do you mean?" "I mean I don't know!" "[Moaning]" "(Danny) Wow I [clears throat]" "I've never known a girl shag so many men in one go." "It must be some sort of record." "God." "Oh, my God!" "Oh, my God!" "Calm down, Mark." "You're making a scene." "I'm perfectly fucking calm, all right?" "I'm trying to find out how many men you have fucked in these things." "You do realize that when you fuck men for money, it effectively makes you a whore." "A filthy fucking whore!" "Sir, you cannot shout like that in here." "You want me to leave so that you can fuck my girlfriend?" "No, I don't want to fuck your girlfriend." "Oh, really?" "All right." "Who here wants to have sex with my girlfriend, huh?" "Come on." "Who wants to ask her?" "What's going on?" "Vanessa, I'm handling it." "Thank you." "I was going to ask you to marry me." "Can you believe that?" "I wanted you to be the mother of my children." "Oh, look at that." "He had your whole life planned out." "What a great guy." "This has absolutely nothing to do with you." "Is it in your nature to be this controlling or are just compensating for having a small penis?" "Vanessa, enough." "Sir, I have to ask you to take it outside, okay?" "Mark, why don't you go outside and see if you can find some perspective?" "You okay?" "Yeah." "Fine, thanks." "You really need to grow yourself a decent size pair of balls." "Vanessa, the guy left, didn't he?" "Yeah, he needed a good walloping." "That was really something." "The way you singlehandedly fucked up that couple's relationship." "That's quite impressive." "It's not my fault if they can't deal with their own shit." "What's that guy's problem?" "So, his girlfriend is a porn actress." "For one thing, she's probably extremely uninhibited in bed." "I bet you she's up for all sorts of weird shit." "Where're you going?" "You can't leave me on me own." "It'll be two minutes." "Do you think you can just do whatever you want and not be punished for?" "You sick pervert." "You'll suffer for what you've done." "You're disgusting." "You should be locked up." "Pervert." "Grandma, what the hell are you doing?" "It's the handling and the mistreatment." "What's the matter with you?" "# Woo-hoo Woo-hoo #" "# Come on, Come on #" "# Woo-hoo Woo-hoo #" "# Come on, Com on #" "What the..." "Excuse me." "Can I have a table for two, please?" "Sure." "Thank you." "You didn't hear the way she was talking to me." "She told me I was going to suffer." "The woman is clearly insane." "Fuck off!" "I'm not sitting in the toilets all day." "It's your fault 'cause you got me too stoned, didn't you?" "I can't deal with this shit, Danny." "Not now, not..." "It's not funny." "I've got a pain down me left arm." "I could be having a heart attack." "Okay, mate." "Calm down." "Hello, Tom." "Hello, Charlie." "How's Rachel?" "Not great." "She says you're not allowed in." "You have to wait outside." "All right, mate." "Tom, have you got any idea about this?" "I found it in Rachel's office." "No." "Excuse me." "Laura?" "You must be Steve." "I'm relieved I can tell you." "I was worried that Sean wasn't gonna set me up with the right minger." "I'd have to dart out the door." "[Laughs]" "Right." "How long do you think this guy is gonna be?" "You gotta take a dump?" "Why don't you use the urinal?" "I wanna use the cubicle." "I don't like taking my penis out in front of other men." "What are you worried about?" "Is it..." "I'm not worried about anything, Danny." "I just find the whole situation a bit uncomfortable." "We're just expected to stand there and expose our... bits." "You're afraid of getting an erection, aren't you?" "I reckon that's what it is." "You're afraid you'll catch sight of another man's penis and you'll sprout a giant erection." "M ichael, there's nothing wrong with being gay." "I never said there was anything wrong with being gay, did I?" "Have you been waiting long?" "Not too long, no." "Oh, good." "I thought I might've been a bit late, you know." "I've been out buying meself a new gun." "[Laughs]" "Don't worry." "I'm not a nutter or anything." "It's for pigeons, mostly." "[Laughs]" "I kill a lot of pigeons 'round our house, you know." "Cropping on the roof." "And squirrels." "Pfft!" "[Laughs]" "Dirty little bastards." "It's the latest model." "Twelve gage." "Double barrel shotgun." "Sounds nice." "It's great." "You'd love it." "I'll show it to you." "It's in the car." "No, that's all right." "Thanks." "So, are you into guns then?" "U h... not massively, no." "Sometimes I wish I was gay." "Really?" "Wow!" "Why is that?" "One way to avoid the gender-divide nightmare." "Think about it." "Never having to second-guess a woman." "Never having to worry about what you're gonna say that was gonna annoy her or turn her off you." "If you're gay, you've gotta deal with getting shagged up the ass." "Are you all right with that?" "Yeah." "At least I know I was gonna get shagged up the ass." "Not that uncertainty that you have with women." "The question hanging over." "Will we, won't we?" "I reckon I could go out there tonight, find a bloke and pretty much rest assure I'd get shagged right up my back passage." "[Toilet flushes]" "Hello." "So how do you know Sean?" "Oh, I actually shared a flat with him, you know." "Back in the day." "Do you remember when he used to work as a clown in children's parties?" "What was he like to live with?" "Was he fun?" "Oh, you don't want to know about that." "Yeah, I do." "Go on." "Well, I shouldn't really say this, but the truth is" "Sean spent most of his time masturbating." "Oh!" "Really?" "Any chance he would get." "Morning, noon, or night." "It was like he was addicted or something." "Don't tell him I told you this, right?" "Because he still doesn't know." "But we once hid a video camera in his room and taped him." "[Laughs]" "To this day I have in my house a video tape with Sean wanking." "[Laughs]" "Got me the funniest thing you've ever seen in your life." "All right." "How is it you know Sean, anyway?" "He's my brother-in-law." "Oh, right." "All right?" "How are you?" "I hope you don't mind." "Angela's on her way." "Oh, right." "We're going to sort out the flowers for the wedding." "Turns out they lost our order." "Can't believe it." "A week before the wedding." "I wouldn't wanna be in their shoes with Angela on the war path." "Yeah." "Tell me about it." "Listen, uh, David." "I've got something to show you." "What's that?" "This arrived at my doorstep this morning." "Gee!" "My God, what the hell is that?" "It's a dead rat, David." "What do you think it is?" "What are you doing with it?" "First you've gotta promise me you're not gonna tell anyone." "Not even Angela." "Do you promise me?" "Of course." "I promise." "I remember I used to go to the Marion when I was a little girl and just peek through the window." "I thought it was this amazing place." "I'm so close to getting this job that all I think about is that I'll be letting everyone here." "My dad managed this place for years." "He actually died here." "He had a heart attack right here in this kitchen." "J ust feel like I'd be abandoning everything he worked for." "Rachel, I really think you've worked your ass off here long enough." "Quite frankly, I think you deserve something more." "Thanks." "Don't tell the others, okay?" "I don't want them getting all neurotic." "Yeah, I won't say a word." "What's going on?" "Nothing." "I bet that guy thinks I'm gay now." "Well, you did say you were definitely gonna get fucked up the ass tonight." "So maybe." "I should go and tell him I'm not gay." "Who gives a shit if he thinks you're gay?" "I don't like being misrepresented." "[Peeing] Oh, God." "Mate, what the hell are you doing in there?" "Danny, I think I might have a problem." "What sort of problem?" "When I go to the toilet, it kind of comes out in dribs and drabs." "[Laughs]" "I think I've got a problem in me prostate." "I'm sacred I might be developing a cancer." "But you're not a doctor." "You can't diagnose yourself with cancer." "You see?" "I've had it for about three weeks." "It's not getting any better." "I put my symptoms into the I nternet and I got 3, 000 results for prostate cancer." "I'm genuinely scared, Danny." "You should go to a doctor." "I guarantee he'll tell you it's nothing." "What are you doing?" "You can't smoke that in here?" "Keep your pants on." "So, I'd just been down the pub for a couple of pints." "Janey's been a total nightmare at the moment." "She's stressed out by the fucking baby." "I just needed some time by myself." "So, it's about 11: 30 and on my way home." "And I really badly needed a slash." "So, I go down the alleyway behind the pub, and I'm just about to have a piss up against the wall when I hear someone coming, right?" "Well, first I think, shit, you know," "I'm gonna be marked or murdered or something." "But then I turn around and there's just this little girl staring up at me." "And I'm quite freaked out." "I'm looking at her, and I don't realize that I have still got my cock in my hand." "Jesus!" "So what happened?" "Well, she just stares at me for a while, and then she gets this, like, weird, horrified look comes over her face." "Then she runs off screaming, "There's a pervert wanking off down the alleyway."" ""Wanking off"?" "!" "[Clears his throat]" "Can I get you anything?" "U m, yeah." "I'll have a cappuccino, please." "I'll have a latte, please." "Sure." "Wanking off?" "My God!" "So, what did you do?" "Obviously, I got out of there as fast as I could." "But I was almost home when a police car pulls me over and tells me I match the description of a pervert they've been looking for." "They took me down the station and charged me with public indecency involving a minor." "The girl was 12 years old, and she's walking the streets at that time at night." "It's a disgrace!" "Charlie!" "How're you doing, man?" "I'm doing terrible." "Do you know where this comes from?" "No." "I found it on the floor in Rachel's office." "Really?" "Yeah, really." "And you think she used it with someone." "I don't know." "I can't think about that at the moment." "Why did you do it, Charlie?" "It was a threesome with two girls." "They were identical twins, Dylan." "What the fuck I was supposed to do?" "What the hell did you tell her for?" "I don't know." "Honestly, I just hated going to her." "I couldn't do it anymore." "And then when the booze came out, it just... came out." "More and more and more." "I couldn't stop it." "Truth fully, I absolutely screwed up, because I love that girl." "Do you think she's gonna forgive me?" "It doesn't look good." "I gotta go." "Take care." "Yeah." "Thank you." "He's over there." "Excuse me." "I ordered..." "Oh, bollocks." "I don't know what you're talking about." "I'm sorry about this." "Did you see him?" "He's over there." "Do you want to get me fired?" "No, of course not, dear." "J ust sit here." "Vanessa, what's going on?" "Nothing." "She's my grandmother." "She gets one day out of the home a month, and it was my turn to look after her." "She can't stay here." "Please, Rachel, I promise you it'll be fine." "You won't have to worry." "What happened to her?" "She came home one day to find her husband of 20 years dressed up as a baby with a big nappy on, and being spanked by a prostitute in a nursemaid's outfit." "Look, today's a big day for me, Vanessa." "J ust make sure she doesn't mess it up, okay?" "Tom, I'm gonna take five minutes." "Okay." "I'm telling you, mate, you should try some of this." "How many times do I have to tell you?" "I don't want any of it." "[Coughing]" "God!" "What the hell is going on in here?" "Are you doing drugs?" "No." "It's, uh..." "It's my friend's." "He uses this for medical reasons." "Then why are you smoking it?" "Because... [clears throat] Shall we go for dinner some time?" "J ust get out." "I'm really sorry." "Why did you tell her I had medical problems?" "You had the medical problem." "What difference does it make?" "Besides, you're the one with the dodgy prostate." "What about the thing in the bag?" "It came with a note saying, "I know where you live."" "It's perfectly obvious." "They put the packet in my doorstep." "Jesus, John!" "Is there anything I can do to help?" "Well, here's the thing." "When the police arrested me, I was a bit flustered, as you can imagine." "So, when they questioned me, I denied having been anywhere near the alleyway." "So, what did you tell them?" "I told them I was with you." "You told them you where with me?" "Yeah, at your house." "You told them you were at my house?" "Yeah." "John, I'm a lawyerl" "That's why I thought of it!" "They'd never suspect you." "Are you joking?" "Now the police are going to contact me, and I'm gonna have to lie and tell them you were at my house!" "It's not okay?" "No!" "No, it's not okay." "What if they found out I was lying?" "I wouldn't be able to practice law again." "What the hell were you thinking?" "I didn't know what else to do!" "(Charlie) Vanessa." "You're not supposed to be here." "Ouch!" "Give me one second, all right?" "I found this in Rachel's office." "That's nice." "Is it yours?" "Of course it's not mine." "It has to belong to somebody." "Who's is it?" "Look, stop waving at my face!" "I don't know, okay?" "But look at the facts." "You tell Rachel you shagged some other girls." "Ended having a screaming row with her." "She kicks you out." "She goes up to the office where she's comforted by Dylan, and no one sees them for half an hour." "It doesn't take a genius, Charlie." "Dylan?" "Oh, Christ." "What did you think?" "That there was one rule for you and another for her?" "You know, maybe she just thought like you." "She fancied a shag and Dylan was available." "Dylan?" "Why aren't you eating?" "I can't eat." "I've got no appetite." "I need some salt." "(female voice) I'm a teacher." "Bloody hell." "What's the matter?" "I don't believe what I've just seen." "If I tell you, promise me you're not going to get upset, okay?" "Why would I get upset?" "Laura's here." "Laura?" "As in... my Laura?" "Yeah." "Where is she?" "She's over there behind that pillar." "H i!" "I was wondering if Sam Harvey's back, yet?" "I left a message earlier." "It's Dylan." "Tell him I'll call again." "(man over the phone) I've got your number right here. 7247, right?" "No." "No, it's not 7247." "It's 7267." "Why do you think I've got it wrong?" "'Cause it's my number." "I think I know my own number." "Right here it says 7247." "What do you think?" "That I gave you the wrong number or you wrote it down wrong?" "Before I started business, I used to live with this geezer, and he thought it was gonna get bad." "I said, "Go on your own, then."" "He goes on his own, and the next thing I know is he falls off the roof." "What was all that about?" "He ends up in hospital." "He can't work." "It's definitely her." "Definitely Laura." "Who's the bell-end she's with?" "Bet they're over there having the time of their life while I'm suffering in torment." "He is well built." "Hey." "You okay?" "What's wrong with me?" "Why do I feel like if I don't get my novel published my life won't be worth living?" "Dylan, it was only your first attempt." "A lot of writers wait years before they get published." "My uncle wrote his whole life." "Didn't get published until he was 81." "That's good to know." "Thank you." "Sorry." "How're you doing?" "Terrible." "I feel like someone took my brain out of my head and kicked it around for a while and stuck it back in." "Charlie is still waiting to talk to you." "He can wait all year." "The guy looks absolutely wrecked, Rachel." "Good!" "Don't you think you should have a little conversation with him?" "He's looking like a homeless person." "Dylan, you're not gonna make feel guilty." "[Clears throat]" "We'd better get back to work." "Oh, I'm so hungry I could eat an entire animal." "Do you know what I mean?" "Not those little vegetarian meals you get at some of these places." "You're not one of those, are you?" "One of what?" "Vegetarian." "Actually, I, I am one of those." "Yeah." "Thats' fair enough." "It happens I've met several and they seem like perfectly normal people." "Why shouldn't they be?" "Exactly." "I'm not saying I understand them, but each to their own." "That's what I say." "God knows I've got some pretty warped ideas meself." "What's warped about being a vegetarian?" "Nothing." "I'm just saying." "That it's warped not wanting some animals to suffer for no good reason?" "Going to get all militant?" "I'm just stating an opinion." "And there's nothing wrong with a woman having her own opinions." "What does that mean?" "There's nothing wrong with it." "Of course there's nothing wrong with it." "Exactly!" "What you really want to do is make her jealous." "How the hell am I gonna do that?" "Easy." "If you got together with that porn actress," "I bet that would make her jealous." "Have you ever suffered a serious head injury?" "Forget it I I'm not going to lie to the police." "No!" "Do you have any idea what Angela'd do to me if she finds out?" "Jesus!" "That woman rules your life!" "That is not the point." "So, what do you expect me to do?" "I don't know." "You'll have to go back to them and tell them you made a mistake." "Tell them I made a mistake?" "They're gonna think I'm guilty as hell." "You should've thought about that before you decided to show your cock to an under-aged girl." "My God." "You think I did it, don't you?" "Well, wouldn't be the first time you've strayed from the path, would it?" "How can you compare that to this?" "That is completely irrelevant." "I don't think my Aunt Betsy would agree with you there." "I was 12 years old!" "Besides, I don't know why you're getting on your moral high horse about." "When we all know about your foibles." "Foibles?" "What do you mean?" "You know exactly what I'm talking about." "How do you think Angela would take it if she found out about that?" "Rachel, I need to talk to you." "Give me one minute." "Call the police, Vanessa." "Call the police." "Go on, pick that phone up." "I'll go to prison." "God knows I deserve it." "Rachel." "I fucked up, I know I did." "But that didn't mean anything to me." "And I know that whatever mistakes we've made..." "M istake we've made?" "Yes!" "I don't care what you did." "I just know that we can work through this." "I don't wanna break up." "That's it." "Time's up." "Don't be bloody ridiculous." "That wasn't a minute." "Piss off!" "Please, Rachel." "I'll make it up." "I promise." "They weren't even that attractive." "Give me another chance." "(woman) Go on, Rachel, he's a good lad." "Give him another chance." "Yeah, don't be tight-assed." "Come on." "Out you go." "Come on." "Are you okay?" "Not really." "You're doing the right thing, Rachel." "Am I?" "Look, just in case you haven't worked it out for yourself, basically men are scum." "They can't see beyond their own dicks, which in the majority of cases isn't very far." "The only time they appreciate what they really had, is when they'd already fucked it up." "They think women should be these virginal creatures that bring up their babies, and serve them breakfast, and wipe their noses, and then suddenly transform into these sexual objects for their pleasure." "I like a good fuck now and then, but I'm not gonna be some man's subservient mother-whore fantasy." "Is this going anywhere, Vanessa?" "I'm just saying that you're free now to explore your options, you know." "This is the 21 st century, Rachel." "You should be getting out there shagging around and having some fun." "That's not really me, though, is it?" "Isn't it?" "Rachel, phone call." "Hello?" "(woman) He'll be there in 20 minutes." "Are you gonna be okay?" "Sure." "Okay, thanks for letting me know." "Bye." "Excuse me." "I ordered a green salad about half an hour ago." "Mate, we've been sitting here and we haven't ordered yet." "These chips taste like feet." "If you wanted to keep it a secret, you did do a very good job by leaving the condom wrapper on the floor." "What in the bloody hell are you two doing?" "Am I literally the only person doing any work?" "What's going on?" "There's chaos." "People are walking out." "Nobody's making any food." "All right." "Let's get things back in order." "Vanessa, Dylan, you keep the customers happy till Tom and I sort this out." "All right, let's get to work." "You do know this is blackmail, don't you?" "I wouldn't call it that." "It doesn't matter what you call it." "But you don't seem to be appreciating how fucked I'll be if this thing comes out." "This is not the way to deal with things." "You leave me no choice." "Don't be such a child!" "You leave me no choice." "You leave me no choice!" "I swear, if you say that again, I will stab you in the head with this knife." "Thank you." "Thanks." "Do you want anything from the menu now?" "No, thank you." "If you could just give us a couple more minutes, it would be lovely." "Thanks." "Hello, boys!" "So, what's been going on?" "Are they gonna take our order in here or what?" "Look, I'm sorry." "I just don't think it's gonna work out." "What?" "There's just no possibility of anything." "Why?" "I mean, what's wrong?" "Well, it's just everything." "The whole package." "To be honest, I don't know what Sean was thinking of getting us together in the first place." "I think I'm just gonna go." "No, no, no." "It's okay." "I'll go." "I mean, this place isn't really my cup of tea, anyway." "I guess I'll..." "see you then." "Yeah, see you." "So, John, did David fill you in on all the wedding details and everything?" "Yeah, pretty much." "Did you hear about these bloody flower people?" "M m-hm." "Okay." "What the fuck's going on here?" "What do you mean?" "Why are you two acting like a couple of dumb animals?" "We've just been sitting here talking." "About what?" "I've got some legal stuff to deal with." "What kind of legal stuff?" "It's nothing to worry about." "I'm a lawyer, too, John." "Do you think I can't offer anything to the situation?" "No, of course not." "But David has agreed to help me out." "I haven't agreed to anything." "Don't you think you should, given the circumstances?" "What circumstances?" "Right, that's it." "David, I want to know what's going on, and I want to know now." "I've got something that I need to tell you." "Don't be a fool, David." "What is it?" "It's something that I should've told you a long time ago, and I am so sorry that I haven't." "For God sake, just spit it out." "I sometimes wear your clothes when you're out of the house." "What?" "Actually he only wears your underwear." "(female voice) Excuse me." "This tea is cold." "I did bring you that tea about 20 minutes ago." "It was cold when you brought it." "That's ridiculous." "Are you arguing with me?" "You know what?" "Why don't I just bring you a new one?" "Is this some kind of sick joke?" "No." "Are you gay?" "No, I'm not gay." "Then what the fuck is this?" "He's a transvestite." "Will you shut up?" "Don't you think you've done enough?" "You can't blame me for this." "I kept that secret for years." "I never told her." "You've known about this for years, and you never told me?" "It's not my place." "So, what is this?" "Some weird, perverted fantasy game you play where you both dress up in my clothes and dance around the house?" "Hang on a minute." "I've got nothing to do with him." "That's right." "John prefers wanking off in front of girls." "That is a vicious lie." "What are you talking about?" "John hangs around and waits for little girls and then he gets his cock out." "It's not true." "My cock was already out and the girl came along." "Shut up, both of you!" "Let me just get this clear, David." "Basically, since we've been living together, you've been waiting for me to go out so you can sneak through my drawers and prance around in my bra and knickers?" "I don't prance around at all." "I just put the stuff on." "There's no prancing involved." "So, what do you do?" "J ust sit around in my clothes?" "I just watch the telly or do the ironing or the vacuuming." "Vacuuming?" "And you, you need special help." "You do know that, don't you?" "Look, don't you think you should be a little more focused on him?" "He's the one you're about to marry." "Angela?" "Don't you think you should've told me this before we got engaged?" "What the hell are my parents gonna say?" "Oh, you don't have to tell your parents." "What is this thing?" "No, it's nothing." "It's nothing." "What the..." "Oh, you sick bastards." "Angela, please, calm down." "Let's not blow this out of proportion." "Got the wedding in a week." "Angela!" "Angel..." "Would you like to order something from the menu?" "Look, will you just please fuck off?" "What's the matter with you?" "[Voice cracking] I asked a customer what he wanted from the menu and he told me to fuck off." "I've had enough." "I'm going home." "You can't go home." "I'm sorry." "I can't handle it anymore." "You have to stay." "Nobody else is doing any work." "I'm lumbered with everything in my head." "You can sack me if you like." "I don't care." "I need you here!" "You'll manage." "You don't understand." "I didn't wanna tell you this." "I'm in line for a job." "The Marion." "And the owner's coming here today to check this place out." "You're leaving?" "This job would be huge for me, Tom." "And I'm so close." "I can't stay here forever." "When's he coming?" "Any minute now." "Thank you, Tom." "I'm gonna go an check if he hasn't arrived, yet." "[Whispering] That's okay." "You know, I was never really sure about you and Angela, anyway." "Making it in the long run with a marriage and everything." "But look on the bright side." "Sure there are plenty of women out that are into that sort of thing." "Hello, again." "Oh, hello." "Look, I know we didn't really hit off all that well." "We both know why we came here today, don't we, eh?" "Do we?" "I'm a man, and you're a woman." "And I reckon you probably get a bit lonely at night, don't you?" "You must be, what?" "Thirty?" "Still single?" "I'm 27." "Exactly." "Well, near enough, anyway." "What I'm trying to say is, uh, if you want to, we could just go back to my place and..." "My God, you're serious." "What's the worst that can happen, eh?" "I mean, you have a bit of a crap shag." "You go home, take a shower." "I n a day or two you would've forgot all about it." "But then again, you just might enjoy it." "I've never had any complaints." "So, uh, what do you think, then?" "Thanks and everything." "Sounds like a great opportunity, but I think I'm gonna give it a miss." "Really?" "I mean, are you sure?" "Yeah." "Fair enough, then." "I mean..." "Bye." "Okay." "M ike, Laura's getting up." "Didn't even notice me." "That's how insignificant I am to her now." "Quickly, while she's gone." "Porn girl." "Go." "She's just broken up with her boyfriend!" "Exactly, mate." "She's single." "Plus, she's feeling vulnerable, alone." "Her self-esteem is at a low ebb." "I've never seen anything so perfect." "I'm more likely to stab myself in the eye with this fork than go over there." "You want Laura to come back and see you sitting here like some sort of tern while she's out on a hot date?" "Yeah, but think about it." "What if she saw you with that?" "She wouldn't think you're so insignificant, would she?" "No." "[Angela retching]" "Are you okay?" "[Coughs] Yeah, great." "[Flushes toilet]" "Is there anything I can do?" "Well, I just found out that mi fiancé likes to dress up in my bra and knickers." "What do you suggest?" "Oh, no, here she goes, mate." "That's that." "She's looking around for the waiter." "She's about to leave." "You've got to go now." "Do it I" "I will." "Good man." "Go on, then." "Come on, M ichael, you can do this." "[Clears throat]" "Hello." "Hello." "What are you reading?" "That's a good book." "Anna Kara..." "Karenina." "Have you read it?" "No." "I just... me mates, they all said it's a good read." "Do you mind if I sit down just for a sec?" "Go on." "I just want to sit to apologize for what happened earlier." "Your friend's an idiot." "What sort of a person does that?" "He's not my friend." "I feel sorry for him." "[Whispers] He's got learning difficulties." "It's sad, but true." "I'm M ike." "I'm Gloria." "You cunt." "You evil cunt!" "Pervert!" "This man is a deviant." "He gets sexual satisfaction out of dressing up as a baby and getting spanked I" "Whoa, whoa!" "I think you've made a mistake." "Okay, okay." "What the hell..." "What the hell is going on here?" "My husband." "He's a sick man." "He dresses up in a nappy and pleads with me to spank him." "He needs to be locked up." "I can assure you that I've never seen this woman before in my entire life." "You know, look at her." "She is obviously a nutser." "Surely, could you sit down?" "And we can all talk about this over a cup of tea." "[Shouting] No, you don't understand!" "This man is a pervert!" "He needs to be locked upl" "He's sick." "He's a sick man I" "You're crazy." "I'm gonna go get your granddaughter." "Stay." "What's going on?" "Vanessa's grandmother tried to take out one of our customers." "Where is she?" "We put her outside." "Outside?" "You can't just put her outside." "Excuse me." "Hi, everyone." "I'm the manager here and I'd like to apologize for the unfortunate incident that just took place, and offer you all coffee on the house." "Grandmal" "You have to believe me." "That woman is a complete maniac." "I don't know what she's talking about." "I mean, I've never even been spanked." "You know, I certainly wouldn't..." "Oh, I'm so sorry." "It was an accident." "I can..." "I can help you with this." "You might have to open your legs a little bit." "What the hell is going on?" "He's some kind of pervert." "H is wife was saying." "Someone should call the police." "She's not my wife, for crying out loud." "She was insane!" "Couldn't you see that?" "What the hell are you doing with my girlfriend?" "I was just..." "I was dabbing." "Right." "You little fuck, outside, now." "Mark, just leave it." "You heard me." "Outside, now I" "No, no." "You don't understand." "You don't understand, pussy!" "You and me are going outside." "You can either walk out, or I can drag you out by your hair." "I've got cancer." "What?" "I've got cancer." "So, you know, back off." "[Clears throat]" "He says he does the ironing." "Can you believe that?" "He puts on my underwear and does housework." "What am I supposed to make of that?" "Well, that doesn't sound so bad." "At least he's clean." "Yeah, brilliant." "My ex-fiancé is a filthy disgusting slob." "I'd have been happy for him to wear gimp outfit if he'd do the washing up once and a while." "Really?" "Why is he your ex?" "He couldn't handle the whole commitment thing." "Thanks." "We got engaged because I practically forced him into it." "He used to wake up in the middle of the night having palpitations and nightmares about castration." "Eventually, we accepted he just wasn't up to it." "The thing is, I was always trying to change him." "I guess I was trying to mold him into what I wanted him to be, instead of just accepting him for who he was." "Now I'm back to being alone, having to go on blind dates with idiots." "I don't believe you told him you have cancer." "Where were you?" "The guy was about to rip my head off." "What was I supposed to do?" "To tell him you have cancer, that's just sick." "Do you think I've cursed myself?" "Fucking freak." "I should sort him out now." "Oh, just leave it, Mark." "Come on, let's get out of here." "I'm not coming." "Don't start this shit now." "I mean it." "I am not coming." "I'm fed up of this macho bullshit." "The possessiveness, the jealousy, the paranoia." "What are you talking about?" "You've got a lot of growing up to do." "The fit ones are always bastards, aren't they?" "Yeah." "They're just not worth it." "Hi." "Is Sam Harvey back?" "(man over the phone) Yes, he is." "He's there." "Okay, thanks." "He's there." "Fuck." "(Sam) Hello?" "Hey, Sam!" "It's Dylan." "How are you doing?" "Great." "So?" "Yeah, I spoke to the publishers." "What did they think?" "Well, they said they, uh..." "Well, basically they didn't get it." "Didn't get it?" "Apparently not." "What do you mean they didn't get it?" "Are they retarded?" "They said there wasn't enough action." "Not enough action?" "Sam, did you tell them this is an existential novel?" "It's not supposed to have action!" "They didn't care." "You know, Sam, do me a favor, okay?" "Call them back and tell them I am going to get my novel published." "And furthermore, when people are calling me The Voice of the Next Generation and they come crawling back, begging me on their hands and knees to publish my next novel, I'll tell them they can kiss my action-less assi" "Calm down, dude." "I've got another call." "I'm gonna have to run." "Will you call me back?" "Okay, bye." "They didn't get it." "They didn't get it." "I'm so sorry, Dylan." "U h, what's going on?" "How can you two be standing there?" "Perhaps someone would actually like to be cooking." "We do have customers that need to be fed." "Dylan just got some bad news." "They're not gonna publish his book." "I see." "It turns out you know better than the rest of us after all." "Jesus, Tom!" "A bit of sensitivity." "What?" "He's been strutting around for the past six weeks like he's some sort of prima donna." "Why don't you shut your face?" "Maybe you wanna shut it for me." "Maybe I will." "Whoa, whoa." "This is all very exciting, be we still got a cafe to run and a round of free coffees to deliver." "Come on." "Fine." "Here're your new orders." "You can add them to the backlog and to the new customers coming in for lunch." "Shall I get Charlie?" "Do you want to do some cooking?" "Yes, please." "Come on." "H i." "Tom said you might need some help." "It doesn't mean I want anything to do with you." "Bloody hell." "Jesus Christ!" "Let's get going." "Don't we get any cake?" "Can't have coffee without cake!" "The coffee is free." "If you want cake, order cake." "I think if they're going to give us coffee, they ought to give us cake." "Who has coffee without cake?" "I don't know." "Skinny people!" "Look, no one ever said anything about free cake." "The coffee is free." "If you need cake, then you can fucking order some cake!" "If you don't like it, you know what you can do." "I demand to speak to the manager." "N ice one, Dylan." "Fuck you!" "What are you doing in here?" "Actually, Rachel asked me to come in, Vanessa." "Two more Greek salads." "That shouldn't be a problem for you, Charlie." "You can do both at the same time." "H i." "I'd like to report a missing old lady." "Yeah, I'll hold." "Charlie, did you ever find out who that condom belonged to?" "Yeah, I did, Tom." "Really?" "It was Rachel and Dylan." "Was it?" "Come on." "There you go." "Hey, man!" "That was quite a display you put out over there, man." "I just found out my novel is not gonna get published." "Hey, man, you mind if I play a song, man?" "Pass the hat?" "Is that cool?" "Knock yourself out." "Excuse me." "Not now." "(whiny customer) It's ridiculous." "First I get a chicken salad that doesn't even look like a chicken salad." "Then they try to serve us coffee without any cake." "H i." "Yeah, Id' like to report a missing person." "Yes." "M m-hm." "Yes." "(Rachel) Yes." "Yesl" "Oh, yesl Yes, Dylan, yesl" "I never knew sex could be so incredible." "Thank you." "What are we gonna do about Charlie?" "Who cares?" "[Both laugh]" "To Charlie." "[Laughing continues]" "(Vanessa) Charlie, what the hell are you doing?" "Rachel!" "M r." "Davies!" "How are you?" "Welcome." "Rachel!" "Sorry." "Please, darling, tell me it's not true." "Did you fuck Dylan?" "!" "Did you?" "!" "What the hell are you talking?" "Get back to the kitchen." "Everybody, listen up." "This woman right here is the most loving, most generous, most wonderful person in the whole wide bloody word, and until very recently," "I don't now why, but she was my girlfriend, and I screwed up, Rach." "I royally fucking screwed up!" "I'd never had a threesome before or anything like that." "But they were twins!" "What was I supposed to do?" "Bloody hell, Rach." "I've embarrassed myself in front of all these people." "I don't know what to do." "Do you want me to get on my knees?" "I'll get on my knees." "I'm getting on my bloody knees." "Please, Rachel." "That's it, get up." "Get back to the kitchen." "We'll talk about this later." "I don't want." "Excuse me." "Sorry to interrupt." "But under the circumstances" "I thought it'd be a good idea to sing a little song." "This is for all of you lonely motherfuckers out there." "# I don't believe in Heaven #" "# I don't believe in God #" "# My parents are dead #" "# I got no friends #" "# I don't even have a dog #" "M r." "Davies, why don't we get a coffee in my office?" "And we can have a chat, and I can show you..." "# There once was a time I had a love #" "# But I threw it all away #" "# Now I sit here All alone #" "# J ust wasting away #" "# Like a rotting corpse #" "I guess the thing is I just always thought I'd find a man who was sweet, and kind, and clever, and hardworking, and happy in men's clothes." "To be honest with you, sounds to me like the worst thing your fiancé does is wear your underwear and do the housework." "You're doing pretty bloody well." "# When all is said and done #" "# A six by two-foot box To rot inside #" "# Being eaten over decades By maggots and worms #" "# I just want To kill myself # # p ut a bullet in my eye #" "# I just wanna kill myself #" "# I just want to die #" "# I just want to die #" "Thank you." "Thank you very much." "Thank you very much." "Thank you very much." "Right." "Three rules." "N umber one." "I'm wearing the wedding dress." "N umber two." "We're buying you your own set of underwear." "I'm not having you stretching out all my knickers." "And number three." "If any one ever finds out about this," "I'll kill you both." "Come along, David." "So, you're gonna get back to me about the whole alibi thing then?" "Damn!" "Tom, that guy in the suit, who was that?" "That is the owner of the Marion." "The Marion?" "He's come to see Rachel about a job there." "Oh, shit." "I made a mistake breaking up with Laura." "You'd rather got married and never shag a bird again the rest of your life?" "I'm not shagging anyone." "There is potential there." "It's not good enough." "I'm sick of acting like an overgrown teenager." "I'm sick of you telling me what to do all the time, like you've got all the bloody answers." "You've never had a girlfriend." "Easy, mate, that's not true." "Maybe not, but all you do is smoking gear." "Are you listening to me?" "Oh, my fucking Lord!" "[Gunshot]" "Right." "Nobody move!" "Do you..." "Excuse me for a moment." "Come on, pigeon hat." "I'm taking you home to deal with your problem." "I'm going to cure you I Come on, up you get." "Grandma." "What are you doing?" "P ut the gun down." "[Bang]" "Oh, bugger!" "Come on." "I've told you once!" "What have you done to my grandmother?" "Sorry, mate." "You don't mind if I, uh, tch, tch." "Grandma." "Grandma, wake up." "Should we call the police?" "She just blasted a hole in a bloody fucking wall I" "All right, everyone, let's calm down." "Hello, sir." "My name is Charlie." "I'm the chef here." "What's going on?" "Nothing." "It's just an old lady firing off a shotgun." "I would love to apologize for my, uh, for my outburst earlier." "Hello?" "Can you hear me?" "You feeling okay?" "Could I get a cup of tea?" "It's not just the business." "You know, she is so fantastic with people." "And the staff, she treats them like her own family." "And the customers, oh, my God, love her." "That's why they keep on coming back for more." "I honestly truly think that, uh, that she'll be the best person for this job." "If you're all so fond of her, why do you want me to give her a job and take her away?" "To be honest with you, the last thing I want in the whole wide world is for Rachel to leave." "But I know that she's always wanted to work at The Marion, you know." "And, uh, and me, being as I am, completely and utterly in love with her," "I guess I just want her to be happy." "H i." "That was just a little old lady with a shotgun." "No harm done." "So, how're we doing here?" "Good." "Good bye." "I nteresting staff." "Sorry about that." "Danny." "I have to tell you something." "What?" "When she fired the gun, I shat my pants." "Well, mate, so did I!" "That shocking behavior..." "No, no." "I mean I actually shat my pants." "You did what?" "[Whispering] Shat my pants." "I've shat in my pants." "[Whispering] Danny, I'm full of shit inside me pants." "You did, didn't you?" "Fucking hell." "All right, yeah." "Let's, uh..." "We'll get you to the toilet." "Get you cleaned up." "No toilets." "J ust take me home." "Take me home, please." "And I'll deal with it there." "So, up on three then." "On three." "One." "On three or after three?" "Make me stand on three." "One." "Two." "Three." "Thank you." "Excuse me." "You've forgotten your dead rat." "Thank you." "Do you know what?" "I'm not gay." "I just wanted to..." "Great." "Mike?" "Laura?" "Hey!" "What are you doing here?" "What the hell is going on?" "J ust some crazy old woman trying to take me as hostage." "Oh, my God." "Are you okay?" "Yeah, I'm fine." "Now I'm done, eh?" "Bit of a crick in the neck, though." "Can you just..." "Thank you." "It's funny meeting you here, actually, 'cause... well, I've, uh, I've been thinking about you a lot." "And I was just, you know, I was thinking that we still have stuff to say to each other, right?" "What's that terrible smell?" "I don't know." "I should get moving." "But, um, I'll call you, and we could go for a coffee or a tea." "Whatever you fancy." "Yeah." "Yeah, I'd like that." "Me, too." "I'll, uh..." "Oh, what do you do?" "I don't know!" "Okay." "All right." "Bye, then." "Right." "That's enough." "Let's go." "I don't believe you told her you'd call." "If you hadn't shat your pants," "I 'd give you such a go at you right now." "Well, I have." "So shut the fuck up." "God!" "I can't believe you would whack an old woman over the head." "What is wrong with you?" "She was holding a loaded shotgun!" "You're lucky she didn't kill anybody." "You shut up." "I can't take you two bickering." "The backlog of orders, and Rachel is in the office having an interview for another job." "What do you mean she's having an interview?" "Thanks for stepping by." "Well, it's been my pleasure." "Good bye." "Hey." "How did it go?" "He said that the fact that I kept this place going considering the misfits I had to deal with, was almost unbelievable." "He offered me the job." "I don't know what to do." "You should take it." "Did you get the job?" "And?" "I'm gonna take it." "That's great I Congratulations." "Tom." "I'm sorry." "I just can't believe you're leaving." "You know I couldn't have gone through today without you, don't you?" "And actually, I was wondering if you'd take over this place as manager." "Oh, God, Rachel." "I'd love to." "Well, you turned out to be quite the hero today." "Didn't know you had it in you." "Neither did I." "At least one of us is getting out of here." "You're gonna make it one day, Dylan." "I've no doubt in my mind." "You got to keep working your ass off." "I'm gonna miss you." "I'm gonna miss you, too." "For what it's worth," "I think you should forgive him." "Really?" "Life's confusing, Rachel." "None of us really know what we're doing." "Especially him." "But he loves you." "You shouldn't take that for granted." "That was nice." "What you said to M r." "Davies." "I meant it." "Charlie!" "I know I fucked up, didn't I?" "Yeah." "J ust so you know, by the way, I don't blame you or Dylan." "You must've been really angry and... a difficult proposition to resist." "What are you talking about?" "The condom wrapper." "Charlie, I didn't have sex with Dylan." "What do you think I am?" "What?" "Who's was it, then?" "I don't know." "You're the one with the rampant sexual appetite." "So, was it worth it?" "The threesome?" "Nothing, nothing was worth risking what I have with you, because you are everything to me." "And to think that I fucked that up because of some dirty cheap thrill makes me feel like the biggest twat on the planet." "You are what you are." "I know." "J ust give me one thing, darling." "J ust tell me this is not definitely over." "I'm not asking to move back in." "But please tell me that it's definitely not the end." "[Whispers] Hey." "[Whispers] 'Cause I love you." "I'll think about it." "[Whispers] Fine." "I've got to get back." "So, it actually happened with you and Rachel." "What are you talking about?" "Everyone keeps saying, "Dylan and Rachel."" "I just wanna know if there's something going on." "Are you the most irritating person in the world?" "It was us, you idiot." "The condom was ours." "I know." "I just... thought there might have been some truth to it." "Well, there wasn't, okay?" "Sorry." "I'm used to it." "All right." "I'm off to take Granny back to the home." "Make sure you bring her back again soon." "She's an angel." "Yeah, yeah." "Very funny." "See you tomorrow." "See you." "God, what a day." "I can't believe I'm gonna be the new boss." "Well, just remember who's the boss in the bedroom." "[Smack]" "Thank you for a lovely afternoon, dear." "Of course." "(whole cast) # After you've gone And left me crying #" "# After you've gone, There's no denying #" "# You'll feel blue, You're gonna be sad #" "# You've missed the bestest pal You ever had #" "# There'll come a time, Now, don't forget it #" "# There'll come a time, That you'll regret it #" "# Someday you'll know What you're doing #" "# You know my love for you Will drive me to ruin #" "# After you've gone # # Go away #" "# After you've gone away #" "# Away # # Away #" "# Away #"