"( "God Bless America Again' by Tex Ritter)" "God bless America again" "You must know the trouble that she's in" "Wash her pretty face" "Dry her eyes and then" "God bless America again" "You know, I wish God would bless America again." "Like he did way back there when it all began." "He blessed her then." "But we sorta took it for granted, and didn't ask again." "So let's just kinda hold her hand now." "That's all." "In case she stumbles, let's don't let her fall." "(TV) Let's go live to TV 10's Kelly Breen." "Kelly?" "It's a big day in Niagara Falls, New York, where the presidential motorcade is expected to pass by in a few moments." "As you can see, the turnout is pretty much nonexistent, which is surprising as this is the first time a president has been here since 1901, when William McKinley stopped by and was shot." "God bless America again" "You must know the trouble that she's in" "Wash her pretty face" "Dry her eyes and then" "God bless America again" "I don't understand everything I read and hear about what's wrong with America." "When you don't have much book-learning there's many things you don't understand." "But I know this much." "She's like a mother to me." "I love her with all my heart." "And let me tell you this, mister." "Everything I am or ever hope to be I owe to her." "(Kelly) The president will speak at the recently closed Hacker Defence Plant." "Hacker was closed, 10,000 employees laid off due to the end of the Cold War, which rendered useless the military supplies they produced there." "The public is encouraged to not only listen to the president's speech, but also perhaps pick up on a bargain." "There are some good deals left on items ranging from missiles to light armament." "One of those laid-off employees this morning had quite an altercation." "This ex-Hacker employee tried to deface the image of the revered RJ Hacker, the chairman." "He got away before he could be apprehended." "God bless America again" "You must know the trouble that she's in" "Wash her pretty face" "Dry her eyes and then" "God bless America again" "Oh, please, God bless America again" "(chuckling)" "(gibbering)" "Shit!" "(sirens)" "(muffled shouts)" "(Kelly) Due to the record number of laid-off workers jumping off Niagara Falls, the council has approved an incentive programme." "Sheriff's deputies who manage to talk someone out ofjumping will get $25." "If they have to retrieve the body they'll be getting 50." " Jump!" "Jump!" "Jump!" " Jump!" "Jump!" "What'll this one make?" "The third one today." "Ninth this week." "Man, are we racking' up that grief bonus!" " 450 bucks and the week's not over yet." " You stick with me, Honey." "Things keep goin' like this, we'll be back up to what we used to make at Hacker." "You know it." "What is this guy doin' up there?" "(muffled speech)" "It's a free country." "If he doesn't like it here, he can swim across to Canada." " Lot of work there." " Boomer, shut up and look at this." " Hey, isn't that...?" " It's our good friend Roy Boy." "Jump!" "No!" "No!" "No!" "He's wearin' my good hat." "We gotta help him out." " Great." " Don't jump, Roy Boy!" "Don't jump!" "Help is on the way!" "Nice shootin'!" "All right!" "Who did this?" "Medic." "Ow!" "That was a beautiful thing you just did, Honey." "God, I love you." "Just kidding!" "(laughs)" "I was kidding." "(man) Let me get this straight." "You shot me because I didn't wanna go on livin'?" " Yeah." "You want me to finish the job?" " Relax." "Roy Boy, please pipe down." "I was tryin' to make a statement about our plight." "The plight of those whose uncle ain't the mayor." "Don't you mention my Uncle Jack." "I know what you're thinking - nepotism." "I took that test and I passed it fair and square." "What about handing' her a job, huh?" "I'm your buddy." "Don't you mention Honey like that." "Look, guys." "My life has been complete hell since they laid me off at Hacker." "Come on, Roy Boy, we know how you feel." "It's bad." "We've all had to make some big changes in our life since the plant closed down." "That's right." "If life hands you a lemon, you gotta crush it into lemonade." " That's positive thinkin'." " Come on, smile." "Just what makes that little old ant" "Think he moved that rubber-tree plant" "Everyone knows an ant can't move a rubber-tree plant" " Come on, Roy Boy, sing!" " Cos he's got high hopes" "He's got high hopes" "He's got high apple-pie-in-the-sky hopes" "So any time you're feelin' low, scared of letting' go" "Just remember that ant" "Whoops, there goes another rubber tree" " I don't think so, Sheriff." " OK." "You finding a lot of roadkill on the highway this year, Sheriff?" "We get to keep what we find." "Where are my manners?" "This is my woman deputy Honey." "Honey's been a real asset to us since she got her parole." "Next, an unused, air-delivered chemical weapon." "Guaranteed death within three minutes." "And what do I hear for this miracle of modern science?" "Do I hear..." "Spread 'em or I'll blow your brains out." " Where the hell have you guys been?" " Pullin' stiffs outta the Falls." "You promised I could pull the stiffs out." "You know I need the money." "Quit your bellyaching." "We never got the 50." "We had to stop Roy Boy from jumpin' off the Falls." " Jumpin' off the Falls?" " I was makin' a statement..." "Will ya stop with the statement thing again?" "Go get us a beer." "I do love an auction." "What do I hear for a beautiful wire-guided uranium-tipped fire-and-forget thing?" "What do you say to that?" "Who'll give me $1 ,000 to start?" "1 ,000. 1 ,000. 500 then." " At $500, anyone?" "500." " (man) 500, my ass." "Come on." "Built right here in Niagara Falls, New York." "It's your chance to own one." "You built it, you can own it now." "Thank you. (auctioneer's patter)" "Can we get outta here?" "All the guns and white people are making me nervous." "Will you ease off with that white-people stuff?" "You got me lookin' at 'em funny." "..25, 26." "Sold. $25." " All right." " Here you go." "And next... (sirens)" "Pardon me." "Outta the way." "Let me by." "..here at Niagara Falls." "Anyone to start with $1 00, please?" "Here, Jack, give me that microphone." "I reckon all of you know me." "If you don't, I'm RJ Hacker." "I own Hacker Dynamics." "And Hacker Aerospace, Time Hacker, Hacker Upjohn and a bunch of others." "I don't even remember their names right now." "And you don't care." "You're upset because I closed this plant and put you all out on the street." "Well, I want you to know I'm upset too." "Look at that." "That's what we get for kickin butt in every damn corner of the world." "Why the hell do we have to be here at these closings?" "We're here to show the people we care." " Let's try to put on a happy face today." " Oh, shit!" "You used to have your Russian Red." "You had your Cuban Red, Hollywood Red." "Here Red, there Red, everywhere a Red Red." "E-I-E-I-O." "But it kept us on our toes." "We didn't know who to mistrust, but we had to defend ourselves." "And you had good jobs to put meat on the table." "But today we find ourselves being destroyed." "Not by the Reds, but by a bunch of short-sighted, bleeding-heart, penny-pinching Washington wimps." " Who is this guy?" " RJ Hacker, sir." "How about a little credit?" "I'm the only president who hasn't got us into a war." "I think that's his point, sir." "You have yet to send our boys into battle." "Send them where?" "Nobody's bothering us." "Send them anywhere, sir?" "Guaranteed 30-point boost in the polls." "Well, I'm not gonna start a war just to increase my popularity." "What can I do for 20 points?" "It makes me want to commit acts I cannot utter in public." "Here he is now." "The man that a thin majority of you chose to be president of the United States." "(band plays "Hail to the Chief)" "(man) Get a job!" "Stu." "A little hard on the leader of the Free World, don't you think?" "It was just what he deserved." "This peace ain't all it's cracked up to be." "Especially if we keep on laying' off thousands of voters." "Well, what would you suggest we do to keep these factories open?" "Hm?" "Should I call up the Russians, see if they want to get back into it?" "Would that help?" "Don't you get sarcastic with me, you little pissant." "You just had an idea that I liked, and I want you to follow up on it." "I want you to see that those Russkies get back into Cold War mode." "And if you don't, I'lI see to it that you go right back where I found you." "Now, don't make decisions." "Just do it." "(President) I wanna thank you for that great welcome." "You provided the power to win the Cold War for the United States of America." "If we could take what we spent on just one day of the Cold War, we could put our children through school for the whole year." "Now's our chance to do it." "It's time to turn off that war machine and turn on our children." "(tittering)" "Turn... turn on our children." "The time has come, fortunately, for us to beat our swords into ploughshares." " Excuse me, do you work here?" " Hm?" "Do you work here?" "I wanted to get a copy of the speech, if there's a transcript or somethin'." "We missed..." " And you are...?" " Oh!" "I'm sorry." "Sheriff Bud Boomer, Niagara County." " And your handle is?" " What?" "Your name." "Your name." "Stuart Smiley." "The president's national security advisor." "(whistles) OK!" "You're just the guy we wanted to see." "Maybe you guys could give us a deal on our sheriff's department." "We're lookin'..." "What do you call them?" "Those." "The M-1 6s with the 40mm grenade launchers." "Flash fragmentation, incendiary illumination, and smoke." "To go, please." " Are we putting on a play?" " It's for civil disturbances only." ""How many times... must the cannonballs fly..." " (woman) You tell us." " ..before they're forever banned?" "'" "(groaning from crowd)" ""The answer, my friend...'" "OK, I'm OK here." "Stay calm." "Get... get off me!" " What's going on?" " The sheriff has it covered." "It's an honour to meet you, sir." "I'm sorry l didn't vote for you, but I had to stay home." " The cable installers were coming..." " Get off me." " Pardon?" " Get off me." "I'm sorry." "Sure." "Oh, God." ""Ashes..." "I Fall Down" by Naked Earth)" " Did y'alI see Cops last night?" " I wouldn't miss it." "I loved how they kept the cameras runnin while they wailed on those guys." "Whack!" "Whack!" "Whack!" "Whack!" "Whack!" "Whack!" "Whack!" "Oh, it was awesome." "Ooh!" "Boomer, do you think we're ever gonna be on Cops?" "Damn right we are." "Wait till they see me throwin' myself on that grenade." " You threw the president on the grenade." " Yeah, whatever." "(knock at door)" " Morning, Mr President." " Morning, sir." "I have the results from the overnight tracking." "You care to hear the damage?" " Yeah, I can take it." " It's good news, sir." "Just after the assassination attempt, we got a 1 5-point boost in the national polls." "OK." "Of course, they dropped off once word got out that you were alive." "But the good news is, the initial massive gains the Dow Jones made after the assassination bulletin held for the entire business day." " That's good news." " According to this, rumours that you were clinically dead for five minutes and returned to life boosted your rating with the religious right." " That's good." " There's something in there." "The voters felt that your being alive or dead had no bearing on their daily lives." "You can take that a couple of ways." "With all due respect, sir, enjoy your single term." "You know, it's not fair." "Every other president had the Russians to blame for everything." "What have I got?" "You know, Mr President, it is too bad that the Russians are no longer in the game." "They weren't much fun." "Never got to kill a single one." "Yes, but without them, you and your friends would have had to get real jobs." " That isn't funny." " Stu's got a point." " What point, sir?" " You've got a point too." "My point, sir, is that Russia is in such shambles they couldn't sissy-slap us if they tried." "Are you kidding?" "Most Americans don't even know where Kazakhstan is." " My travel agent can't find it." " I can imagine why." "What do you want to do about Russia, sir?" "Why don't we find out who's in charge there this week?" " Vladimir Krushkin." " Vlad." "That's great." "I like him." "Why don't we see if he can come here?" "We can have one of those summit things." "We could work something out, like what we had before." "That's an excellent idea." "Super idea, sir." "We've got a contingency plan." "We'll bring it right in." "Good." "Good." "Look at the treacherous bastards." "Once a commie, always a commie." " General, pretend you're not here." " Shut up." "All right, be nice." "This man's our only hope." "Mr President, welcome to our summit." "You look great." " Let's eat." " Good." "Right this way." " Did you have a good trip?" " Wonderful." "Truly wonderful." "Mm." "Mm." "Mm." "Mm." "Mm." "Mr President, we were wondering if..." "if you and I, you know... if we couldn't sort of... get together, you know, mano a mano, and, uh... and sort of work something out." "Sort of mix it up the way we used to, you know?" "In the good old days." "I don't mean a real war." "Just a little tension." "Sort of help forget about... about things." "I mean..." "Just..." "Oh, Mr President." "Please." "ls this why you called us here?" "We already gave up." "You won." "We are too busy trying to perfect universal indoor plumbing." "That's right. lndoor plumbing." "Maybe even a little... central heating." "A big Buick in every garage would be nice." "A few cellular phones, compact disc, MTV." "What is the name of that other..." " VH1 ." " Yes!" "VH1 !" "I'm so sorry." "We can't go back to the old days." "Please try and understand." "Good day." " It's a trick, Mr President." " Damn right." " Why can't we talk this over?" " What is there to talk over?" "You're in charge of the world now." "Don't be a sore winner." "Look, I'm sure we can discuss this like civilised men." "Civilised men?" "ls that what we've both been for the last 50 years?" "Just a holy goddamn minute, Your..." "Comradeship!" "You don't throw your weight around for half a century threatening the whole peaceful Western world and then... you just decide one day you don't wanna tug the rope no more." "General, please..." "Mr President, I'm so sorry for this." "Sorry for this?" "You made us spend trillions on submarines and missiles, and what did all this rubbish get us?" "Breadlines and May Day parades." "Vlad, look... (General) Don't go chicken on us now." "(Stu) We got more chicken." "We need you." "I need you." " Vlad." "Vlad." " You don't always get a second chance." " Attaboy, Stu!" " (President) Unbelievable." "General Panzer, Mr Smiley, get off him." "Get off him!" "I'm very sorry, Mr President." "I'm very sorry." "Get over there." "Get over there." "I'm sorry, Mr President." "I'm truly sorry." "Maybe we could meet again." "How about Geneva?" "We could meet at Geneva." "Sort of... neutral territory." "Goodbye, Mr President." "And good luck." " Any more bright ideas?" " No." "What are we gonna do for an enemy now?" "(General) Dead." "Dead." "Dead." "Dead." " I miss anything?" " Nothing." "Also dead." "These guys are all dead." "Are you working from an old list?" "Sir, these are the kinda guys we're looking for." "This guy, he's still alive." "But he's down in Florida making licence plates now." "She's reformed." "And looking good." "We were thinking, what could be a bigger threat than aliens invading from space?" "Ooh, boy!" "Scare the shit out of everyone." "Even me, sir." "Jesus, is this the best you could come up with?" "What about international terrorism?" "We're not gonna reopen missile factories just to fight some creeps running around and exploding rental cars, are we, sir?" "Turn on the lights." "I'm sorry." "I'm appalled." "I'm surprised you left those killer bees off the list." "That'd be a good one." "How about...?" "How about Canada?" "O Canada" "Our home and native land" "True patriot love in all thy sons command" "Oh!" "That's what I hate about comin' here." "You gotta listen to that song all the time." "Check out the flag." "What is that?" "ls that a weed on there, or what?" " Come on, give me a break." "Nice flag." " Let's go!" "Let's go!" "Drop the puck!" " Let's go!" " Come on!" "Face off!" "O Canada, we stand on guard for thee" "(PA) Evening, and welcome to hockey night in Canada." "Tonight the American team visits our Canadian champions the Ontario Beavers." "Please enjoy the game, and no bad language and no littering." "(Boomer) Let's play some hockey!" " Good puck, Wayne Gretzky!" " Who let the moose in?" "Hey, Kabral, how come you never see any black guys playin' hockey?" "Do you think it's easy to just gradually take over every professional sport?" "Let me tell you somethin', man, brothers are startin' to figure out this ice thing." "Hope you enjoyed it." "These Canadians ain't got a care in the world." "Yeah." "And how about the way they cheat at the World Series?" "That's our game!" "I'll tell you another thing." "Their beer sucks." "(General) Oh, boy!" "Look at that." "That's footage never seen on TV." " Yowser!" " That's amazing." "How did you know that was a nuclear facility?" "They tricked us on that one." "That's a hospital." "But it's a hell of a strike." "We've got better technology we've never been able to use." "(TV) A riot between Americans and Canadians broke out last night at a hockey arena in Niagara Falls, Ontario." "Police estimate at least 60 people, including an American sheriff, were detained overnight by Canadian authorities." " I wanna call the American embassy." " All I said was Canadian beer sucks." "People!" "People!" "Can't we alljust get along?" "Boy, these Canadians are violent." " General, can I use your phone?" " Sure." "Go ahead." "Yeah, Stu Smiley." "Give me Central Intelligence." "Yeah." "Canada desk." " Jimmy..." " Hi, Stu." " Hi, Bill." " How you doin', Stu?" "(man) Reroute the heroin through Cancún." "(man #2) Hold on a second." "Yeah." "Oliver Stone." "There's Gus." "What do you say, Stu?" "Long time no see." "Boy, it's like the Plaza in here, huh?" "They just got me in a temporary place here, that's all." "I see you're still proud of telling Kennedy to send in those advisers to Vietnam." "Damn right." "The whole Vietnam war was my idea." "I'm not ashamed of it one bit." " If they'd just gone nuclear..." " Well, I'm sure history will vindicate you." "I would've wiped out the Koreans too, then we wouldn't be drivin' behind their shitty little compacts with no pick-up!" "Those cars are built in South Korea." "Those are our Koreans." " Like I care!" " What do you got for me?" "Anything?" " You mean Canada?" " Yeah!" " We can't talk here." "Let's go for a walk." " Oh, OK." "Got a secretary hidden somewhere to hold your calls for you?" "Do you remember the New York blackout?" "Caused by a Canadian hydroelectric plant at Niagara Falls." "The Canucks claimed that it was a faulty transmitter." " We have reason to suspect otherwise." " Why?" "These Canadians suffer from a serious inferiority complex." "That's why they built this." "Canadian National Tower." "World's tallest freestanding structure." "Our scientists can't figure out its purpose." "I'll bet theirs can't either." "Canadians are always dreamin' up a lot of ways to ruin our lives." "The metric system, for the love of God!" "Celsius." " Neil Young?" " You're right, Gus." "Of course I'm right. lt was crazy of us to have been so blind for so long." "But we thought "They're just Canadians." "They're practically the 51 st state." "We admired 'em." "Clean streets." "No crime." "No minorities." " How'd they do that?" " No slavery." " God, they're smart!" " Their government is run by socialists." " Yeah, but it's not the real pinko stuff." " No, no, no." "That's where you're wrong." "They've always had these tendencies." ""Capitalism must be destroyed in all forms"?" "You see?" "We haven't been paying any attention." "We think that they're a little strange with the socialised-medicine stuff, but do you know that they provide free college to anyone?" "!" "Free trains." "Free eyeglasses." "Free condoms!" "Jesus." "Do your superiors know about this?" "Ah, they're just gutless desk mammals." "Since I said we'd be back from the Bay of Pigs by ten, they've treated me like dirt." "You've done a great job." "I'll make damn sure the president knows about it." "Like I care!" "(President) Canada?" "!" "Did you say Canada?" "The American people, Mr Smiley... would never ever buy this." "Mr President, the American people will buy whatever we tell them to." " You know that." " Aren't you overlooking a major obstacle?" "Like how to get the average American to hate and fear Canadians?" " Hell, they're whiter than we are." " Gentlemen." "Ladies." "Allow me to clue you to a few rude awakenings." "For those of you that think Canada is a mom-and-pop operation, it's time to wake up and smell the snow." "Fact:" "Canada is now the second-largest country in the world." "Fact:" "Canadians freely cross over our borders, walking among us undetected." "Who knew they eliminated the Miss Canada contest?" "You're on to something here, Smiley." "Remember the Air Force C-1 30 that crashed mysteriously a few years ago?" "That just happened to occur over Canada, Mr President." "My God, that's shocking." "How..." "When did they get rid of Miss Canada?" " A year ago." " Jesus!" "Suppose something like that caught on down here." "One week." "Give me one week and I'lI have Americans burning maple leaves so fast they won't have time to think about their smog-filled lungs, rising interest rates, or their dwindling savings accounts." "One week, sir." "Good evening." "Edwin S Simon reporting." "NBS News obtained Pentagon documents that show our neighbour to the north, the sovereign nation of Canada, has embarked on a military programme aimed at the United States." "Canada, known for ages as a polite and clean country, has, under a socialist majority, undertaken a massive military build-up on its border with the United States." " I don't like Canada." " It's freezing cold." "Canada owns more of the US than any other country." "William Shatner." "Michael J Fox." "Monty Hall." "Mike Myers." "Alex Trebek." "All of them Canadians." "All of them here." "ls Canadian prime minister Clark MacDonald a member ofa satanic cult?" "Most of Canada's vast military technology has been built and supplied by the United States." "The Canadian National Tower in Toronto, erected to transmit nuclear-attack warnings from radar stations in Canada, is now solely in Canadian hands." "It is the height of six American football fields." "Or five Canadian football fields." "As if Canadian football really counts." "What would be the psychological motivation to erect a huge, long, rigid shaft..." "First ofall, there is no Canadian culture." "I've never read any Canadian literature." "And have you ever heard anyone say" ""Honey, let's stay in and order some Canadian food"?" "Congress is also asking intelligence agencies to investigate why the Canadians maintain a threatening lead in Zamboni technology." "Think ofyour children pledging allegiance to the maple leaf, mayonnaise on everything, winter 1 1 months of the year..." "Anne Murray... all day, every day." "Holy shit!" "We're right on the border!" "We're the first line of defence!" "We have to get everyone organised." "All right, people!" "Do not panic." "I repeat, do not panic." "I'm in complete control." "Now, Honey, Kabral, Roy Boy and myself will guard the hydro plant." "Snake, you guard Ed's gun shop." "Dell, the bowling alley." "The rest of you, guard this bar with your lives." "Yeah." "All right, people." "Let's move out!" "Fighting soldiers from the sky" "Fearless men whojump and die" "Men who meanjust what they say" "The brave men of the Green Beret" "Silver wings upon their chest" "These are men, America's best" "One hundred men will test today" "But only three win the Green Beret" "Put silver wings on my son's chest" "Make him one ofAmerica's best" "He'll be a man they'll test one day" "Have him win the Green Beret" "(Stu) Ah, who would've thought?" "America against the scary Canadians." "(laughs)" " Boy, I'm good." " I'm gonna let you in on a little secret." "Christ." "The American public's attention span is about as long as your dick." "You have got to give Americans somethin real they can get their teeth into." "Something to make 'em cry bloody murder." "Americans will not go to war, even a cold war, unless they truly believe that their very lives are threatened." "What do you have in mind?" "Back in the early 1 960s, my old buddy Lyndon Johnson says:" ""Why don't we bomb one of our own ships and blame it on the North Vietnamese?"" "That's what we did." "We shelled a US Navy ship in the gulf of Tonkin." "At least that's what we told everybody." "As far as I know, that damn boat was out in the middle of Lake Erie." "But... 24 hours later, the US senate voted 98 to 2... to send troops to Vietnam." " That's an amazing story." " That's the truth." "And it can still work." "Like maple syrup, Canada's evil oozes over the United States." "How long will we remain silent to the screams?" "That is stunning!" " (phone rings)" " I'll get it." "Everyone knows what it's like to get syrup on your fingers." "This guy's a genius." "Yes, he's right here." "Mr President, it's the Canadian prime minister." "Clark?" "How's Claire?" "You were just watching on NBS?" "Really?" "Well, I don't know what to think." "It looks to me like you people are planning something nasty." " (Clark babbles frantically) - (Stu mimics him)" "Listen, if you feel that way about it, goodbye." " I like this." " Mr President," "I think now may be the time to turn up the heat." " What?" "Like what?" "What do you mean?" " Well, what if" " I'm just spitballing - a Canadian hit squad, ie trained professionals who look like Canadians, were photographed sabotaging an important installation inside the US?" "Why don't we knock out their infrastructure quicker than you can say "collateral damage"?" " No." " Why not?" " Yeah, why not?" " Because a war with Canada would be over in a matter of days." "Do you remember Grenada?" "They didn't even wake Reagan." "All we found there were a bunch of rich American med-school rejects and Cuban construction workers." "That's liberal bullshit." "Cuba had a division there." " What about Panama?" " That's right." "Listen to this." "Couple days of blasting Def Leppard over loudspeakers, Noriega ran out weeping." " And Iraq!" "Ha!" " Ha!" "They were supposed to have this big bad army." "They had the biggest cannon." "lnvented by a Canadian." "72 hours after we invade, they're beggin' for a Big Mac." "They stopped us 1 00 miles from Baghdad, and we sat waving our dicks at the desert." "Mr President, do you want more of that?" "Or 50 years of cold-war prosperity because Joe-schmo American is scared shitless the world's gonna end before the next commercial?" "Well, I think I like Mr Smiley's approach." "No, no, no." "I really like it." "OK, here's what we're gonna do." "We'll get some special ops, we'll disguise them as Canadians, and we'll let 'em blow something up." "But nothing valuable, OK?" "There are no casualties." "There'll be no casualties." "And..." "Canada gets the blame." "Come on." "Step on the gas." "Step on the gas." "Double time." "Double time." "We're just minutes away from blowing' this hydro plant to kingdom come." "I'm back!" "You got 'em down there?" "!" "Wait till those SOBs back at Langley see this on the nightly news." "Freeze!" "The both of ya!" "Don't move." "Don't anybody move." "Honey, Canadians on the east wing." "Come quick." " Who the hell are you?" " Who the hell are you?" " Boomer!" "Look what we found!" " Get your hands up there." " Hey!" "Spread 'em!" " Come on!" "Spread 'em!" "Let's go!" "Under the fifth Geneva Convention, with the powers invested in me by the state..." "Will you please shut up?" "!" "We're American." "Who plays quarterback for the St Louis Cardinals?" " I have no idea..." " There ain't no more St Louis Cardinals!" "They moved to Phoenix!" " Wait." "Give us another one." " (Honey) Time's up." "Cuff 'em!" "Frisk these Canucks." "Then call the CIA, the fbi, the DA and the ASPCA." "And call Channel 5." "You're gonna be on TV." "The nation remains stunned today after the capture of secret Canadian agents attempting to blow up the hydroelectric plant in Niagara Falls, New York." "The Canadians were apprehended by Niagara sheriff Bud B Boomer." "Our correspondent Charles Jackal, who is rejoining us after a stint at the Betty Ford clinic, kicks off our coverage." "Chuck, it's great to have you back." "And it's great to be back." "I want to apologise for the hurt I may have caused that night to so many ofyou." "Especially those who were standing too close to the kerb." "You know who you are." "Forgive me." "And it's a startling revelation." "Canada, getting ready to invade, has amassed 90 per cent of its population along its border with the United States." "The longest unprotected border in the world, stretching from the Atlantic Ocean to that other one." "You'll be pleased to know, sir, that the Hacker Hellstorm was delivered to and installed in Toronto yesterday." "Good work!" "Good work, boy!" "When I found you, I said to myself:" ""I can make somethin' outta that snivelling' little sneak." "Yes, sir.'" "Sir, what exactly is the Hacker Hellstorm?" "I'm just curious, since I sold it an' all." "Well, that's fair enough, Stu." "The Hacker Hellstorm is a devastating weapon." "A destabilising weapon." "And it is capable of launching all the missiles in the United States at once." " Really?" " But the Canadians will never ever use it." " How can you be so sure?" " I didn't give them the operating codes." "Really?" "They think it gives them an edge on hi-tech weather forecasting." "Uh-huh." "So the Hellstorm is harmless, yes?" "Ah, Stuey... (laughs)" "Honey!" "Honey!" "What the...?" "Holy shit." "What the hell?" " Honey." " Shh!" "Kabral." "What does this look like to you?" "Got me." "I never saw a white one that size." "It's the Canadian National Tower." " Maybe I'd better carry the guns." " Where are we goin'?" "Boomer says the Canadians are too clean for their own good." "We're crossin' over." "To Canada?" "Yep." "We're goin' in tonight to kick some Canadian butt." " Can we go to the tower?" " No, I don't think so." "Cut the engine." "It's makin' too much noise." "(engine stops)" " What'd you say?" " From here on we have to be very quiet." "We're all gonna have to paddle." "Get those oars in the water." "Come on." "Put your back into it." "Both of ya." "Nice easy J-stroke." "There ya go." "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Canada." "This'll drive 'em crazy!" "Hoo-hoo-hoo!" "There is no more heinous crime than this in Canada." " Are you sure we're in Canada?" " Do you smell anything?" " No." " Exactly." "Canada." "Hey, those look like my socks." "That isn't garbage." "That's my laundry." " Roy Boy, you idiot!" "Pick this up." " Eew!" "Eew!" "You stupid jerk." "What are you doin'?" "That's my good stuff." " Hello!" "Who goes there?" " Freeze!" "Johnny Canuck!" "You must leave the park immediately and go back to where you came from." "(Boomer) Scatter!" "Everybody back to the boat." "Sir, you can't end a sentence with a preposition." "Oh." "Really?" "(laughter and whooping)" "Well, what would you say?" "Well, I guess I'd say either "Go back from where you came", or the preferred queen's English "Go back thee from whence thou came.'" "Oh, man, that was close." "Man, we were starin' death right in its face." "So..." "Hey, where's Honey?" "Oh, man, we forgot Honey!" " I left Honey behind." " We left a man behind." " Boomer left a man behind!" " The marines never leave a man behind." " Chuck Norris never left a man behind." " Wesley Snipes never left a man behind." " She's all alone behind enemy lines." " I gotta think." "She's gonna be fine." "She's a survivor." "She's strong." "(banging)" "If she doesn't kill anybody." "(TV) We interrupt our regularly scheduled programme and go live to the president of the United States." "We havejust learned that the Canadian government is holding an American citizen hostage." "I have communicated with the Canadian prime minister." "Our demand that this hostage, this woman - hostage Honey - must be released now." "Oh, my God!" "To facilitate this, I've ordered our armed forces on alert, and I've ordered them to prepare to engage in Operation Canadian Bacon." "And I wanna say to Prime Minister MacDonald.." "surrender her pronto or we'll level Toronto." "God bless America." "God bless you, Mr President." "Oh, Honey." "And Honey I miss you" "And I'm bein' good" "And I'd love to be with you" "If only I could" "This just in." "We have received amateur video tape of hostage Honey." "Roy Boy!" "Kabral!" "Quick!" "Honey!" "Boomer, you traitor!" "You Benedict Arnold!" "You took offand you left me here..." " Oh, she's pissed." " I'm gonna tear you from shred..." "You think?" " She's mad at you, Boomer." " ..every bone in your body." "Hear me?" "!" "She is being held at Mountie Headquarters in Niagara Falls, Canada." "Sources in the intelligence community speculate that Canada may be preparing to terminate her." ""Terminate"!" "This is no less than an act of war." "There's a time to think, and there's a time to act." "And this, gentlemen, is no time to think." "We'lI have one more round..." "and then we'll go." "Chester!" "Another round." "Gives Honey a chance to cool off a little bit, you know?" "Yeah." "(Boomer) Outta the way." "There's not a locked door in the country." "Let's go." "(all shout)" " I don't wanna draw first blood, but I will!" " I'm willing to hurt you." "Down on the ground and no one will be hurt!" "(TV) ..the elk, the beaver, and the moose are man's best friends." "The elk..." "All right, Pops." "Who's in charge?" "Well, uh... just the two of us." "Just Ruthie and me." " No other personnel in the building?" " We're the night shift." "E-excuse me, ma'am." "There's not another control room?" " No, dear, this is it." " Thank you." "Boomer, maybe we'd better just go, huh?" " Stand your ground, soldier." " (Kabral) Oh, brother..." "Now, let me get this straight." "Put those needles down." "Nice and easy, where I can see 'em." "Spread out." "Find out the power source for the Mountie Headquarters." "I'm gonna ask you one more time." "Where is the power switch to the Royal Canadian Mounted Police Headquarters?" "You're gonna tell me sooner or later." "Now, we can do it my way, which is very nice right now, or we can do it their way, which you're not gonna like." "(laughs)" "You Canadians are so-o-o sneaky!" "Don't touch that." "You'll black out most of Canada." "Yeah, right." "Lady, what do we look like?" "Jerks?" "Please!" " Boomer, you screwed up now." " I'll be the judge of what I screwed up." "All right." "Let's move out." "And you, don't tell anybody we was here." "Come on!" " (thud)" " Ow!" " You know, I could get to like this." " Really?" "On these screens here, Mr President." " What's happening?" " All of Canada is going dark, sir." " Oh, my God." "What do you make of this?" " I'll tell you, but you won't like it." "Mr President, Prime Minister MacDonald calling from Ottawa." "Yes..." "Clark, hi." "Now, why would we want to cut off your power?" "No." "W..." "No." "Calm down." "Calm..." "No." "If we were up to something we would have mined your harbours." "Damn right." "Who?" "Yeah, I see." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Yeah." "All right, we'll check this out and get back to you." "Goodbye." "You're not gonna believe this." "That same goddamn sheriff from Niagara Falls." "That hero..." "Bud Boomer." "He's the one responsible for the blackout." "Boomer?" "Ah, sir, that's bullshit." "This is a Canadian trick." "You know, blame us, get world sympathy, and make it impossible for our bombers to locate their cities and destroy their inhabitants." "God, sir, that's the oldest trick in the book!" ""Thank you for sleeping so quietly.'" ""I love you... even though you're a criminal.'" ""Thank you for keeping your cell clean.'" ""I... miss you.'" " Welcome to Canada." " Hold it right there, Canuck." "Who are you?" "I'm your worst nightmare." "I'm a citizen with a constitutional right to bear arms." "(laughs)" " Take the pelts." "Take whatever you want." " We don't want your stinkin' pelts." " Have some fudge." "Just leave me alone." " Didn't you hear him?" "We're your worst nightmare." "My worst nightmare involved a pack of rabid wolves." "I was stuck somewhere in the Yukon." "And there were tall, skinny rabbits." "And they were drinkin' heavily." "Would you shut up?" "We want your prisoner." "Now, where is she?" "I don't know what you're talkin' aboot." "Eh?" ""Aboot"." "It's "about"." "What we're talkin' about." "And enough of that "eh" business." "You're gonna learn to talk right." "Understand?" "We got ways of makin' you pronounce the letter "O"." "I want my Honey." "Get the keys for the cells now." "Now!" "Easy." "Easy." "OK, Mr Canuck." "Mr Two-Time World Series winner." "Hey!" "Watch that fancy move!" "See, this is all the prisoners we have." "This man was arrested for putting regular gas into an unleaded tank." " Where do you think you're goin'?" " Goin' over to... show you the next guy." "Nice and easy." "One step at a time, buddy." "This man was arrested for being in too many bad moods." "I got you covered." "I got you covered." "I got you covered, buddy." "This man raided a company, merged it with his conglomerate, and then fired all the employees." " Get away from the bars, you scum!" " Boomer!" "Hold on, Jack!" " Now, you tell us where Honey is." " Let me paint a picture for you, buddy." "She's petite, extremely beautiful, and heavily armed." "Wait." "You mean the litterbug." "They took her to the capital to give her a free mental-health examination." "Good." "The capital, Toronto." "No." "The capital of Canada is Ottawa." "(laughs)" "Yeah, right." "Do we look that stupid?" "Ottawa!" "Nice try, Dudley." "All right, boys." "We're goin' to Toronto." "The capital." "Do you want some water?" "Mm-hm." "Mm-hm." "Too bad." "Gentlemen." "Let's, uh, take the truck." "(laughs)" "Let's go." "Hey, Boomer." " Yeah, what's wrong?" " I got an idea." "Oh, yeah." "Oh, yeah." "Mr President, I think we should look on the positive side." "What we have here is a brave but misguided group of Americans who've gone into Canada and kicked serious Canadian butt." " Yeah, well, we gotta do something." " We could send in... the Omega Force." "lsn't that a bit drastic?" "Sir, the Helms Amendment and NSC Order 725 both specifically prohibit the use of Omega Force against Caucasians." "That's right." "I guess if I were the president's male secretary," "I might read the Helms Amendment that way." "What choice do we have, sir?" "We have to take this sheriff out immediately, before this turns into a shooting war instead of the cold war that we wanted." "Mr President, Sheriff Boomer has become a national idol at a time when our people lack true heroes - yourself excluded, sir." "It would seem wise not to lose him." "General, the president should see this, sir." "Enraged by the imprisonment of hostage Honey and inspired by their hero Bud Boomer," "US citizens from coast to coast are taking actions against Americans of Canadian birth and suspected Canadian sympathisers." "Some Americans in other border towns have followed Sheriff Boomer into Canada with the hope of liberating that country." "Everything I see or read about these Canadians just makes me wanna puke!" "It's time we put America back in North America!" "God bless Bud Boomer!" "USA!" "USA!" "Oh, Christ." "Mr President, I believe we have no choice but to remove Bud Boomer judiciously." "Now." "(President) Well, it's an idea." "Send in Omega Force." ""Snowbird" by Anne Murray)" "Go fish." "Welcome to Canada." "Who are you?" "That was totally unnecessary." "Where is Boomer?" "I had an amazing hand." "Where is he?" "Toronto." "We're comin', Honey." "We're comin'." "Hey, Boomer, how come you never let me drive, man?" "Oh..." "Just... don't start with me." "The black cat never gets to drive." "It's not because you're black." "Lots of black guys, they drive." "Give me an example." "Uh... whatshisname." "Danny Glover in Driving Miss... whatshername." "Danny Glover did not drive Miss Daisy." "He drove Mel Gibson." "He does not drive Mel Gibson." "Eddie Murphy drives Mel Gibson." " Eddie Murphy drives Nick Nolte." " Does not." "Hey, guys." "I drove once." "Remember?" "(laughs)" "(siren)" "Oh, jeez." "Oh, jeez." "Oh, jeez." "Maybe it's not us." "It's not us." "It's not us." "Pull over." "Pull over." "It's us." "It's us." "He wants us." "He wants us." "We're pullin' over." "We're pullin' over." "All right, fellas." "All right." "Just-just-just act normal, all right?" "Not normal for us, normal, like, for regular people." " Good day." " Hi." "lsn't it, though." "Would you please get out and step away from the vehicle." "OK." " What is wrong with this picture?" " Um..." "Uh..." " No snow tyres." " No." "I was, uh, drivin' on the wrong side of the road." "I can explain." "I'm not used to your rules up here..." "That's not it." " This writing on the side of your vehicle." " Oh!" "How did that get th...?" "Those kids at the garage." "I just stopped for..." "Whatever." "My concern is the sensibilities of a certain distinct part of Canadian society." " Les Québecois." " Huh?" "You know, wine drinkers." "Pea-soup eaters." " French Canadians." " Oh." "Oh, yeah." "Those guys." "Sure." "If you wish to avoid prosecution, I advise that you comply with our language laws." "Which specifically prescribe that all signs be in both English and French." " Canada's two official languages." " OK." "I do have to fine you." "That'll be $1 ,000 Canadian." " Or ten American dollars, if you'd prefer." " Oh, no, I'll pay... pay in American, yeah." "There you go, buddy." "Here you are." "Ten." "Thank you very much." " There's your receipt." " Thank you." "And now?" "In French, if you please." "(hospital announcement over PA)" ""Get well soon, from Prime Minister Clark MacDonald"?" "(PA) Anyone in need ofa free triple bypass, please sign the form." ""Get well." "Get well." "Feel good.'" "This is..." ""Best wishes, Gordon Lightfoot.'" "Eew!" "(gasps)" "Ottawa!" " So, we're up and around, are we?" " And how are we feeling today?" "Aren't you a little young to be doctors?" "We're not doctors." "We're candy stripers." "Our healthcare system has determined you don't actually need a doctor until... 2006." "Till then, we're to see you're comfortable and give you a kidney transplant." " No, that can't be right." " Check the paperwork." "Douglas!" "(Boomer and co) Born in the USA" "I was born in the USA" "I was born in the USA" "I was born in the USA" "(uncertainly) I was born in the USA" "Born in the USA" "Duh-duh duh duh-duh-duh-duh say" "If you catch a cold, there's some aspirin in the cabinet." "And thanks for hangin' onto my American-made assault weapons." "Gimme that." "(Boomer and co) O-O-O-Oklahoma" "O-O-O-Oklahoma" "O-O-Oklahoma" "Hm-hm-hm-hm hm-hm-hm-hm-hm" "Oklahoma" "Oklahoma" "Oklahoma" "Okla..." "Oklahoma!" "Hey." "Oh, it's OK." "It's just my toe." "Yeah." "(plays harmonica tunelessly)" "(wolf howls)" "(owl hoots)" "Hey." "Hey, all right, that's enough, man." "You guys aren't thinkin' about Honey at all, are you?" "I'm worried sick." " You ever see The Dirty Dozen?" " That was a cool movie." " Man, that was real cool." " Lee Marvin." "Charles Bronson." "Ernest Borgnine." "Jim Brown." "Uh, Telly Savalas." "Clint Walker." "Jim Brown." " Trini López." " Cool." "Trini López?" "I never could figure that one out, man." "What the hell was he doin' in The Dirty Dozen?" "If I was puttin' together a group of murderers," "Trini López would not be in the starting line-up." " That's why he dies first." " Don't they all die?" " They all don't die." " Jim Brown dies." "What do you expect?" "Of all the Dirty Dozen," "Uh-huh?" "That's not it, man." "It's just the black guy always dies." "Think about it, man." "Unforgiven." "Alien." "Rocky Iv." "The Shining." "Star Trek ll." "Forrest Gump." "Witness." "Annie Hall." "Not Annie Hall." " No." "Night of the Living Dead." " That's the one!" " What about the brother in Jurassic Park?" " Oh, that was cool." "Two black guys died in that one." "You must be really pissed off at that one." "I'm tellin' you, man." "The black guy always dies first." "(wolf howls)" "Oh." "Oh, man." "Hey." "Don't worry, Kabral." "You'll pass for Canadian." "(snorts with laughter)" "You know, you really do need help." " I need help?" " Yeah, you need help." "Knock it off with this Dirty Dozen stuff." "Did anyone see Dirty Dancing?" "Whoo!" "(laughs)" "That was a good movie." "Welcome to the Hacker Hellstorm, your one-stop programme for total nuclear destruction." "Please enter your pin code now." "You have reached the Hellstorm communication centre." "Please choose your missile-launch sites from your on-screen menu." "Establishing contact with all US launch sites." "American missiles now under control of the Hacker Hellstorm." "Countdown ready to commence." "Hellstorm activated." "Thank God for technology." "12 hours to launch." "Any word from Omega Force, like where they are?" "(alarm)" " What the hell is that?" " It's DEF-CON 4, sir." "Just remind me, what is DEF-CON 4?" "It means a nuclear attack is imminent, or-or the opposite." "I'm not quite..." " lmminent, Stu." " There you go." "Well, can't we stop this?" " The siren, sir, or nuclear exchange?" " Either one!" "Uh, sir, our missile silos in southern Utah have somehow become activated." "Who ordered that?" "That wasn't me, was it?" "I didn't...?" "No." "I didn't order that." "Can't you stop this?" "General Panzer, where are those missiles aimed?" "Well, sir, uh, those lCBMs in southern Utah" "are directed at... at Moscow, sir." "What?" "Why would you aim missiles at an ally?" "Sir, it seems that nearly all of our missiles are directed at targets" " in the former Soviet republics." " Why the hell is that?" "With all due respect, sir, your boys in intelligence never could decide who was a big enough threat to point them elsewhere." "But, sir, you can bet your ass if one of our birds lands in the Russkies' back yard, plenty will be landing in ours." "I havejust arrived here as part of the Pentagon press corps." "There are some things we will not be allowed to show you, but you can rest assured that you will be getting all of the information you need to know." "I'm standing here... (bleep)" "..in the middle... (bleep) ..and it is... (bleep)" "For those ofyou with sons and daughters up here," "I can only say that... (bleep)" "And that's about the only thing that has been going wrong at this point." "The activation order appears to be coming from Canada." "How could Canada activate our missiles?" " Oh, shit." "The Hacker Hellstorm." " The what?" "The Hacker Hellstorm." "One of the programmes you cancelled to balance the budget." " What is the Hacker Hellstorm?" " Vargo." "An automatic-nuclear-response system, sir. lt initiates a nuclear counterstrike." "I never liked it. lt took all the fun out of Armageddon." "I'm glad you cancelled it." " How did the Canadians get it?" " That's classified." "Classified?" " I'm the president!" " How did Canada get it?" "Get on the phone!" "I wanna talk to Hacker right now!" "(Roy Boy) It's a vision." "My eyes." " There it is, men." "Toronto." " It's beautiful." "Like no other city I've ever seen." "It's like Albany." "Only cleaner." "The tower!" " (Boomer) That's Toronto, boys." " (Roy Boy) Cool." "Wow!" "(Roy Boy) Jeez, how do they clean all those windows?" "(Kabral) Windex, dummy." "Where'd they get so many buildings?" "It's eerie." " Where is everybody?" "I don't like this." " (Roy Boy) Me neither." "There's a kid up there." "Hey, hey, kid!" "Kid!" "Where is everybody?" " The tower." " Tower?" "The Canadian National Tower." "A crazy American woman's up there with a gun." "Oh." "Thanks." "Crazy American lady with a gun." "It's Honey!" "Come on, fellas, let's go!" "Attention, please." "Attention, please." "This is the Royal Canadian Mounted Police." "Come down from the tower, please." "If you say "please" one more time, I'm gonna let you have it!" "No, no, no, I got that part." "What I don't understand is how the Canadians have a fully functional and operational Hellstorm." "I thought what I sold them was not usable." "How the hell did I let you get me into this?" "Stuey." "God Almighty." "Why do you bother your head with this kinda crap?" "Maybe it's because you're an only child." "Or maybe it's because you're becoming irrelevant." "Now calm down for Chrissakes." "The Canadians can't launch any missiles." "Only I can, because I have the codes." "All of them." "And I'm in control." "So, easy." "Missile countdown has started in Wyoming and Montana." "I want an answer." "Does Canada have the power to launch America's nuclear weapons?" "The Hacker Hellstorm can do that and a lot more." "And if you hadn't cancelled that programme, the technology would still be in American hands." "So you sold control of American missiles to a foreign country?" "If you can call Canada foreign." "Or a country." "When you cancelled that programme, you left me out of pocket $500 million." "I've gotta make up a shortfall like that." "After all the billions he's made off Uncle Sam." "Jesus, in a decent God-fearing country I'd be allowed to beat the two of you to death." "It's scum like you that make a simple war all screwed up and confusing." "It's people like us keep people like you in business, General." "(man) Registering missile activity in Nevada." "Now I want to know." "Where exactly did you install this Hellstorm thing?" "Did you ever run an opossum up a tree, Mr President?" "He'll find the highest branch he can." " Outta my way." "Outta my way." " (Canadian #1) Oh, I'm sorry." " (Canadian #2) Please forgive me." " (Canadian #3) Excuse me." " Outta my way." " (Canadian #4) Sorry." " Outta my way." " (Canadian #5) How can I be so clumsy?" "All right." "You wait here." "I'll be right back." "Get outta my way!" "Oh!" "Now, you know that I built Hellstorm number one." "But what you don't know is that I also built Hellstorm number two." "What's two?" "It's to defend us against Hellstorm one." "Just in case an enemy should ever acquire it." " I don't want to say that it's pure genius..." " No." "No." "No." "It's insane." "It's business." "And I can let you have it immediately, but it won't be cheap." "It won't be cheap?" "How much will it be?" "One trillion dollars." " One trillion dollars?" " That includes the cost overruns." "(whistles) Mr Hacker, you've got Uncle Sam by the cojones." "Don't you have any patriotism, sir?" "What about The Alamo?" "The Halls ofMontezuma?" "Sands of Iwo Jima?" "The Guns of Navarone?" "Didn't you ever fantasise about the Duke in the Flying Leathernecks?" "I mean fantasise about being the Duke, not fantasise about the Duke." "You know what I mean, sir." "30 minutes to launch." "(alarm)" "Oh, God!" "Oh!" "What do you got there?" "Give it to me." " Oh, my God." " Sir, we have a situation in Uranus." "Uranus, in Utah." "They've bumped their birds up to T minus seven." "This is terrible." "I didn't understand a word." "The missiles will launch in seven minutes." "Oh, my God!" "Oh, my God!" "Mr President, you got six minutes." "This is a mistake you do not want to make!" " Negotiate." "Give him what he wants!" " I know." "Just give me a second." "Gentlemen, I intend to put some shoe leather between me and ground zero." "Call me when you decide to give me the money." "Hold on one second." "I don't understand something." "Why would the Canadians try to start a war between us and the Russians?" " I don't get that." "Somethin' wrong here." " Hacker!" "Hacker!" "Ha..." "Get me intelligence." "I need intelligence." "Canada's not launching' those missiles." "You are." "He'll give me the money and then I'll turn it off." "Give me the goddamn codes." "You son of a bitch." "You're through." "Oh, my God!" "Guards!" "Arrest Mr Smiley!" "Oh, shit!" "Wait a second." "Wait a second." "I got the codes." " Mr Hacker?" "Mr Hacker?" " No." "I think this opossum has bought the farm." "E-I-E-I-O." " Oh, excuse me." " Oh, pardon." "So sorry." "Sorry." "Sorry." "(muffled cries)" "Stu, Stu, Stu. lt really pains me to see you this way." "Ha-ha-ha!" "We'll torture him later." "Get him outta here." "(muffled) I've got the codes!" "Has anybody gotten in touch with Moscow?" "We gotta warn them." "Your pal Krushkin was in briefly over lunch, countercoup, he was out, then installed again." "Let me level with you, sir." "I would destroy any nation, even my own, if my president gave the order." "Just say the word, sir, and we'll do what we should have done in the first place." "We'll nuke the slimy Canuck bastards." "I mean it, sir." "We'll wipe their frigid goddamn country off the map." "I can't kill America's neighbours." " I can." " I summer up there." " I understand, sir." " Mr President." " We've lost contact with Omega Force." " Well, that's it." "Moscow is about to light up hotter than a pig roast on flag day." "That'll guarantee a retaliatory gesture against the US." "No shit." "Call Prime Minister MacDonald." "I'll give him anything he wants." "Got to." "This is the Hacker Hellstorm weather-forecasting centre." "One minute 50 seconds to total annihilation." "Have a nice day." "Mr Prime Minister, I'm asking you to stop it." "Listen." "Pay attention to me, OK?" "I'm talking about the Hacker Hellstorm." "You got it and you gotta turn it off." "Clark, we can't turn it off." "We've tried." "Yes, of course we've tried!" "We can't turn it..." "He's putting his wife on." "Hi." "Oh." "Uh..." "Écoutez." "Vous avez gagné." "Uh..." "Fermez les rockets, OK?" "About two years in high school and about four years in college." "Thank you." "American missiles will launch in one minute and 30 seconds." "(alarm)" "(gasps)" "(panting)" "When will it end?" "Clark, are you listening to me?" "Don't launch the rockets." "Our rockets." "Don't launch them." "I'm giving up." "You understand?" "Whatever you want, you've got it." "You won." "Don't play games, Clark." "You won." "(grunts and groans)" " Canuck central." " T minus 15 seconds." "(gasps) The Canucks and Hacker?" "Ten seconds to launch." "Prepare to launch." "Clark, please." "We're running outta time." "Ha-ha!" "Ha-ha!" "Ha-ha-ha!" "That's my Honey." "(cheering)" " Boomer!" " Don't like heights!" "We gotta get outta here." "We'll take the elevator." "Come on!" "Step on it." "(Honey) Now, this is what I call a healthcare system." "Look, Honey." "Home." "Home." "The US of A." "(Honey) Whoo!" "Let's go!" "Sheriff Bud Boomer realised his dream - and became a regular on "COPS"." "National Rifle Association's "Humanitarian of the Year"." "Defeated in the next election by the largest landslide in US history." "Now host of "Get Up, Cleveland"." "Served 8 months of a life sentence..." "Pardoned by President Ollie North." "Took his own life upon learning "Hogan's Heroes" was entirely fictional." "Last spotted heading south..." "Ha-ha-ha!" "There it is!" "Like I care!" "The body of RJ Hacker can be viewed daily, 9am to 5pm, at Republican National Headquarters." "National Hockey League's "Most Valuable Player"... ..three years in a row." "Whereabouts unknown." "..and CANADIAN PRIME MINISTER CLARK MACDONALD" "Still ruling with an iron fist." "(Boomer) We're gonna be there any minute now!" "Oh, yeah, trust me!" ""Only in America" by REM)" "Only in America" "Can a guy from anywhere" "Go to sleep a pauper and wake up a millionaire" "Only in America" "Can a kid without a cent" "Get a break and maybe grow up to be president" "Only in America" "Land of opportunity, yeah" "Could a boy who's nothing be something and be everything" "Only in America" "Can a kid who's washin' cars" "Take a giant step and reach right up and touch the stars" "Only in America" "Would a dream like this come true" "Could a guy like me start with nothing and end up like you" "Only in America" "Land of opportunity, yeah" "Could a boy who's nothing be something and be everything" "Be everything" "Only in America" "Only in America" "Only in America" "Only in America" "Only in America" ""Snowbird" by Anne Murray)" "Beneath its snowy mantle cold and clean" "The unborn grass lies waiting for its coat to turn to green" "The snowbird sings the song he always sings" "And speaks to me of flowers that will bloom again in spring" "When I was young my heart was young then, too" "Anything that it would tell me, that's the thing that I would do" "But now I feel such emptiness within" "For the thing that I want most in life's the thing that I can't win" "Spread your tiny wings and fly away" "And take the snow back with you where it came from on that day" "The one I love forever is untrue" "And if I could you know that I would fly away with you" "The breeze along the river seems to say" "That he'll only break my heart again should I decide to stay" "Spread your tiny wings and fly away" "And take the snow back with you where it came from on that day" "The one I love forever is untrue" "And if I could you know that I would fly away with you" "Visiontext Subtitles:" "Kerrie Slavin" "ENHOH"