"Come on." "Let's see if we can find something else." "Come on." "Hey, Tabitha, you think Emily would like a pair of skates?" "No, Mommy." "She has skates." "I'll have a salesman for you in a moment, ma'am." "Mr Bates?" "Mr Bates!" "He's never around when I need him." "Oh, well, don't worry about us." "We're just browsing." " Bates!" "What are you doing?" " Just taking a little break, Mr Waterman." "A break from what?" "You never work." "I see you're playing with the games again, while I'm swamped with customers." " Sorry." " Now get out there and do your job, while you still have one." "Trust me, ma'am." "You're always safe with a doll." "And this happens to be our newest model, Sassy Suzy." "It comes with a comb and a brush." "And listen." "I don't want to comb my hair." "Don't bug me." "Suzy should come with two brushes, one for each end." "Do you have a doll that's not quite as sassy as Suzy?" "Well, here's a doll that doesn't talk at all." "Well, that's a novelty." "We'll take her." "All righty." " She's only $9.95." "Is that cash or charge?" " Charge." "All right." "The cashier is right over there." "Would you like it gift wrapped?" "Oh, yes." "Thank you very much." "Tabitha, I'm going to be right over here at the cashier's, okay?" " Right over there." " Okay, Mommy." "My, you certainly are a lucky little girl, going to a birthday party." "I know." "Have fun while you're a kid, Tabitha." "Because when you get to be an old adult like me, you have all sorts of things like responsibilities, a job, a boss." "Kids have got it made in this uptight world." "Don't you like being grown up?" "Oh, sure." "But, boy, if I could be a kid again..." " You'd like to be a little boy?" " I sure would." "I had more fun when I was nine years old than I've had in all the years since." " Okay, then say it." " Say what?" "Say, "I wish I were nine years old again."" "Oh, I get it." "Make-believe, huh?" "All right." "I wish I were nine years old again." "That's what's so great about being a child." "You have time for make-believe." "Make-believe?" "Bye." " Thank you." "Okay." " Hey, little girl!" "Well, little boy, what are you doing behind the counter?" "I'm not a little boy, Mr Waterman." "I'm your salesman, Irving Bates." " Okay, sonny." "What's the joke?" " This is no joke!" "I was just talking to that little girl over there..." "Hey!" "She's gone!" "Excuse me." "Mr Waterman, please, believe me." "I'm Irving Bates." "Now go away, little boy." "Madam, may I help you?" "Our salesman seems to be hiding somewhere." " But I'm your salesman!" " All right, sonny." "Obviously, Bates is paying you to torture me." " Now, where is he?" " I told you, I'm..." "Okay." "I'll tell you." "He's over in sporting goods goofing off." "Excuse me." "I'll get to the bottom of this." "Here it is." ""Stephens, 1164 Morning Glory Circle, Westport."" "Darn it!" "Well, hi there, young fellow." "This your daddy's car?" "No, it's mine." "I think I flooded the motor." "Well, hey, don't do that." "Don't do that, kid." "Do you want to cause an accident?" "It's all right, Officer." "Just disregard my appearance." "I happen to be a grown man." "And I happen to be Bonnie Prince Charlie." " Well, just give me the keys, huh?" " Now, look, nothing bugs me more than a puffed-up, overbearing cop." "Will you cut that out, you little mini-monster?" "I mean, now, son, don't you think that before you start trying to drive, your feet should reach the pedals, huh?" "Cut that out!" "I happen to be 32 years old and a taxpayer." "Oh, boy, what an imagination." "I'll bet you're just great at show-and-tell time, huh?" " Okay, sonny, upsy-daisy." " Put me down!" "Knock it off with the police brutality!" "I'm gonna sue!" "Just..." "Just calm..." "Just calm down." "We're..." "We're..." "We're gonna take you to your parents." " Where are Mommy and Daddy?" " They live that way." " Yeah, well, exactly where?" " In Toledo, Ohio." "Toledo?" "Come on, gramps!" "Move this thing." "All right." "All right." "Don't get pushy." "Where to?" "Hurry." "Just get this jalopy moving." "You're really getting an early start on that ulcer, aren't you?" "Coming!" "All right." "Hello there." "My, aren't we all dressed up this morning." "That's right." "And your daughter's the one who dressed me." "Just what exactly do you mean by that, young man?" "I mean, I'm having a wild nightmare, and you and your daughter are in it." "Are you new in the neighbourhood?" "Not only am I new in the neighbourhood," "I'm a whole new size, thanks to your daughter." "What did she do?" "There." "Look familiar?" "Irving Bates." "Oh, now I know." "The toy salesman at Hanley's Department Store." " Your father?" " No." "But you're close." "It's me." "Oh, my stars!" "You'd better come in." "Tabitha!" "Anyway, this is better than the nightmares I usually have" " where I end up getting married." " Did you want me, Mommy?" "Oh, hi, mister." "Do you like being a little boy again?" " Tabitha, what happened?" " I just realised something." " I dream in full colour." " Mr Bates." "Look, this seems like an informal dream." "Why don't you call me Irving?" "Okay, Irving." "I would like to talk to Tabitha for a minute." " So you just keep right on dreaming." " All right." "And if I wake up before you get back, nice meeting you." "Come with me." "All right, young lady." "Now you know you're not supposed to do things like that." "You change him back immediately." "But Irving said it would be fun to be a little boy again." "That doesn't mean he expected it to happen." " Now, go ahead." " Okay." "Tabitha, you're not trying." "Yes, I am, Mommy." "You wait here." "Irving, little boys do not play with matches." "I'm not a little boy." "I'm just having a dream." "Irving, I don't know how to tell you this, except to come right out and tell you this." " Tell me what?" " You're not dreaming." "Oh, come on." "What do you call it when a full-grown man suddenly finds himself turned into a nine-year-old boy?" "Well, there is a name for it." "What are you talking about?" "How does the word "witchcraft" hit you?" "You're pulling my leg." "No, Irving, not really." "You see, I am a witch." "So is Tabitha." "Well, I won't hold that against you." "I'm a liberal." "What am I saying?" "There's no such thing as witches." "Then how do you explain your second childhood?" "Well, I can explain that." " I'd better call the cops." " Be my guest, Irving." "But do you really think they're gonna believe you?" "Why, of course." "They can see for themselves." "You're right." "I don't believe me." "I'll think of something." "Just try to be patient." "Patient?" "You forget!" "I'm on the missing list." "My boss is looking for me and..." "Check that." "I'm sure to be fired by now." "I was supposed to meet my girl for lunch two hours ago!" "I'll bet she's furious." "You'd better talk to her." "Tell her you're a friend of the family." "Her name's Ruthie." "Hello." " Is this Ruthie?" " Yes, it is." "Well, I'm calling for Irving, and he's sorry he couldn't make lunch today." " Who is this?" " Oh, this is a friend of the family." "And Irving wanted you to know that he's a little under the weather." "And why didn't he call me himself?" "Well, because at the moment he's not quite up to it." "And are you nursing him back to health?" "Yes." "I mean, no!" "We're just good friends." "Well, you can tell Mr Irving Bates that he's stood me up for the last time." "And you can also tell him that he's a pretty small person." "But, Ruthie!" "But..." " What happened?" " She hung up." "Swell." "I've lost my girl and my job." "If this isn't a nightmare, I'd better stay a little boy." "Oh, now, don't you worry, Irving." "We'll get you out of this mess." "Irving, that's my husband." "Now you just pretend you're a friend of Tabitha's." "Isn't she a little young for me?" " Just do as I say." " What if I don't want to?" "Do you see that?" "No wonder you witches had so much trouble in Salem." "Now, you just do as I say, and we'll tend to your problem later." " Right, Tabitha?" " Yes, Mommy." " Hi, sweetheart." "How was the game?" " Great." "Hi, Tabitha." "Daddy, this is my new friend, Mr Bates." "She means Irving." "They were playing grown-ups." " Hi, Irving." " Hello." "Hey, feel that muscle." "I bet you like football, don't you, fellow?" " Did you have to do that?" " Do what?" " This." " Irving, please." "Darrin, Irving is a very unusual child." "Tabitha, why don't you and Irving go and play on the patio?" " Okay, Mommy." " You'd like that, wouldn't you, Irving?" "All right." "I'll play with the kid." " What have I got to lose?" " What has he got to lose?" "Well, he already lost his marbles." "He doesn't want to lose anything else." " Will you push me?" " Sure." " Sam, what's with that little kid?" " What little kid?" "I mean, that little kid, whatever his name is." "Darrin, why don't you get ready for lunch?" "I'll tell you later." "You mean, Irving is going to join us for lunch?" "Yes." "Maybe even dinner, with the outside possibility of breakfast." "Don't tell me he's going to spend the night." " Okay, I won't." " What, he's gonna spend the night?" "Darrin, make up your mind." "Do you want to know or not?" " Sam!" " Well?" " I think I'll get ready for lunch." " Good idea." "Tabitha, would you like me to stay around and be your big brother?" "We could have fun all the time." "Well, then, why don't you just forget about trying to change me back?" "Okay." "It might be fun starting out all over again." "And things are gonna be a lot different this time." "There." "Everything okay?" "I don't want any milk!" "How about a beer?" "How about a punch in the nose?" "I'll drink the milk." "All right, Sam." "Now, then." "You were going to tell me something about this youngster?" "The name's Irving, fellow." "Irving, in this house, little boys and girls speak to adults with respect." " Now, how old is he?" " He's older than he looks." " I'm 32." " Look, Irving, I wasn't talking to you." "I was..." "What did he say?" "I think he said he was 32." "Sam, what's going on here?" "I'm glad you asked that, sweetheart." "Please, Samantha." "It's my story." "Let me." "This is the story of Irving and Tabitha." "See Irving." "See Tabitha." "See Irving sell toys." "See Tabitha go..." "See Irving go..." "You see, sweetheart, it's kind of a short story." "You mean Tabitha changed a 32-year-old man into this little boy?" "You go to the head of the class, buster." "Now, look, sonny." "I mean, fellow." "Hit me!" "I took karate!" "No one's gonna hit anybody, and get down off that chair." "Now, Tabitha, how could you do such a thing?" " Like this, Daddy." " Oh, never mind." "Sam, why doesn't she change him back?" "Well, she's working on it, but it isn't working." "What are we gonna do with him?" "Well, now, sweetheart, don't worry." "She'll change him back, and, well, if she can't..." "Let's look at the bright side." "How many people get a second chance in life?" "Irving has a great opportunity." "He can grow up all over again." "But where?" "Where would he grow up all over again?" "Well, darling, we can't just throw him out in the street." "That's right, Dad." "Please don't call me that." "Just think of the plus side, Darrin." "You'll get another deduction." "Samantha, I would like to speak to you in the living room, privately." " When?" " Now." "Sam, do something." "There is one possible solution." " What's that?" " Dr Bombay." "Under these circumstances, I'd even accept help from that quack." "Oh, now, Darrin." "Don't antagonise him." "He's the best witch doctor we have." "I wish you wouldn't call him that." "Calling Dr Bombay!" "Calling Dr Bombay!" "Emergency!" "Come right away!" "How dare you interrupt my Antarctic rounds?" "Don't look at me." "That'll be a pleasure." "Dr Bombay, I'm sorry to call you on such short notice, but you are the family physician." "Well, I was in the middle of a delicate operation, but the patient will just have to wait." " Was it serious?" " Oh, quite." "I was doing a nose job on a penguin." "Well, what's the earth-shattering problem this time?" "Irving, Tabitha, would you come here, please?" "Dr Bombay, until this morning, this little boy was known as Mr Irving Bates, a 32-year-old man." "Tabitha sort of shrunk him." "Now she can't un-shrink him." "Frankly, I'd just as soon remain shrunk." "Who's the ding-a-ling in the parka?" "Irving!" "Just show the doctor your driver's licence." "Here." "See?" "That's what he looked like this morning." "Oh, yeah." "Yes, I can see why he wants to remain shrunk." "Yes, if I were you, I'd want to remain a child for as long as possible." "Very funny." "Doctor, just save your bedside manner for the penguin." "We need your help." "Very well." "To work." "To work." "To work." "Now, we have a depressing situation here." "So, I'll need this." "Get it?" "Tongue depressor." "Depressing." "Nothing." "Well, I'll just try a little test." "Eye of squid, grinding stone, make this kid fully grown." "Nothing happened." "Well, when that incantation fails, it can only mean one thing." "Samantha, I'd like a private consultation with you." "Do you have any pickled herring about?" "I think so." "Come on, Irving, Tabitha." "Why didn't it work?" "Obviously, resistance from the two principals, Tabitha and the boy." "Well, first, there's Irving's desire to remain a child, and, no doubt, Tabitha enjoys having another playmate." "Subconsciously, she's holding back." "Then what I have to do is get Irving to lose interest in remaining a little boy." "Brilliant prognosis." "I almost feel like splitting my fee with you." "Thank you, Doctor." "I said, almost." "Here's the herring." "What do you want it for?" "The penguin owes me 500 fish for her nose job, and I haven't a bit of small change." "Before you say anything, I think the problem of Irving Bates is solved." " Oh?" " Yes." "Well, it's obvious that Irving is enjoying being nine years old again." "I can think of some ways to change his mind." "I know exactly how to change his mind." "Sure, I'd like to see Ruthie again, just for my memory book." "Where does she work?" "Down on 58th Street at the Drucker Travel Bureau." "Why?" "How'd we do that?" "We zonked across the atmospheric continuum." " Huh?" " Never mind." " Is that Ruthie?" " Yeah." "Hey, Ruthie!" "It's me!" "Yes, sonny." "May I help you?" "No." "I was just browsing." "Ruthie sure is pretty." "Yeah." "She sure does look nice." " Miss Campbell." " Yes?" "Ruthie, what are you doing this evening?" "Nothing, Mr Drucker." "Do you have any extra work you'd like me to do tonight?" "No, I would like you to come out and have dinner with me." "That old fink." "There'll be soft lights and sweet music." "Oh, Ruthie, I'm crazy about you." "But, Mr Drucker..." " Herman." " I never knew you felt this way." "Neither did I. It just hit me like a ton of bricks." "It must have been building up for years." "But you're married." "What about your wife?" "Try to forget about her." "I already have." "Well, I'm already spoken for." "You mean that schnook Irving Bates?" "Yes, I mean that..." "I mean Irving Bates." "Well, I'll make you forget him." "All right, Casanova." "You asked for it." "Why, you little..." "Ruthie, I..." "I mean, Miss Campbell." "I don't know what happened." "I'm very sorry." "Must be that stuff I'm taking for iron-poor blood." "I need to go out and get something cold to drink." "Oh, thanks, little boy!" "Oh, that was such an adorable thing you did!" "You're welcome." "I mean it." "That was really brave." "Sweetie, I wish I had more time for some more hugging and kissing, but there's something very important I have to tend to." "My, how mature we are for such a little man." "Honey, you have no idea." "So I'd better go." " Bye." " Bye." "Oh, I'd better get back on my liver pills." "But Irving wanted to be a little boy." "Irving only thought he wanted to be a little boy." "You see, honey." "People sometimes wish for things they don't really want, simply because they know their wish can't possibly come true." "That's right, but your mommy made me realise that even though I thought there was a lot wrong with my world, there was a lot right about it, too, like Ruthie." "Don't you think it's time you changed him back?" "Okay, Mommy." "Hey, I'm me again!" "That's right." "You're good as new, fit as a fiddle, and ready for Ruthie." "Samantha, would you do me a favour?" "If I can." "Yeah." "Oh, you can do this." "Would you zonk me to Ruthie on one of your nonscheduled flights?" "Would you mind, sweetheart?" "Mind?" "If I could do it, I'd do it myself." " Okay." " Before I go, I want you all to know, it's been some kind of an experience knowing you." "I mean, I've met a real witch." "And if I tell anybody, they'll put me in a real straightjacket." "And, Tabitha, thanks." "Being a kid again has sure helped me to grow up." "Okay, I'm ready for my flight." "Fine." "This is your captain speaking." "You will be flying at an altitude of..." "Sam." "Bye-bye, Mr Bates." "Oh, sweetheart." "Aren't you proud of our daughter?" "If it hadn't been for her," "Irving and Ruthie would never have had the chance to be as happy as we are." "This is happy?" "What would you call it?" "Happy!" "Happy!"