"All right now, memorize it." " You got it?" " Oh yes." "Is that your card?" "Yes." " Hey guys!" " Hi there!" "Guess what?" "Ben is going to be in a TV commercial!" "What are you talking about?" "!" "Well, it's not for sure but umm, we met this guy in the park who thought Ben was really cute-- y'know, which he is--so umm anyhoo, he uh, he gave us his card and told us to bring him down for this commercial he's auditioning." "Whoa!" "This guy is like the biggest commercial casting director in town!" "Ben takes one lousy walk in the park and gets an audition!" "I mean, way to go Ben!" "Man!" "I've been in that park a million times and no one offered me an audition." "I know, it's crazy!" "We were just pushing Ben on the swings¡¦" "I'm always on the swings!" "What am I doing wrong?" "!" "That." "Okay, gotta go!" "Wish me luck!" "Luck!" "Hey Rach, now that you're working at Ralph Lauren, can you bring me back some of those polo shirts?" "Uh well, y'know what?" "I don't think if I feel comfortable stealing on my very first day¡¦" "Unwilling to steal from work, interesting." "Besides, if anybody's gonna get free stuff, it's gonna be me." "Okay guys, way to wish me luck!" "Good luck!" "Go get 'em!" "Okay, let's discuss Rachel's birthday." "I say we throw a surprise party this weekend." "Whoa-whoa, but her birthday isn't like for another month." "Yeah but if we throw her a party on her birthday, then it's not a surprise." "I think it's a great idea." "Yeah, we could have a dinner party and just invite her close friends." "Ross!" "We're having a surprise party for Rachel!" "Okay!" "Done." "Okay, great so do you want to do it together?" "I would love to do it together!" "They're gonna do it together." "Dude!" "That's my girlfriend!" "What, so I gotta shut it down now?" "All right, I gotta take off." "I'm picking up Ben then we're off to the big audition." "It's gonna be weird to watch some actor pretending to be Ben's dad." "Yeah." "Weirder than watching his two moms make out?" "Whoa-whoa dad?" "There's a dad in the commercial?" "Yeah the dad and Ben eat soup and pretend to enjoy it." "Whoa, hey, maybe I'll go down there with ya and see if I can get an audition to play the dad." "I mean who better to play Ben's father than his godfather." "You're not his godfather." "What?" "!" "Are you kidding?" "!" "Of course I am!" "Okay, let's go godfather." " All right!" "Hey!" "I'm in, they're gonna let me audition!" "Really?" "That's great!" "I know!" "I know!" "It turns out that one of the casting ladies has actually seen me in a play, so I steered clear of her¡¦" "Hey, that kid looks familiar." "Oh yeah, yeah!" "He's done tons of commercials." "I've seen him in like Sugar Smacks, Playstation, and that one for the phone company." "In fact he was so good in that one, he actually convinced me to switch phone companies." "Chandler was mad¡¦." "Yeah well, he's not gonna get this one." "Ben is way cuter than that kid." "I mean look at him, look at you," "That's great." "Listen, wouldn't it be great though if I got to play Ben's dad?" "Joey, you look nothing like Ben." "I look more like him than you do!" "Y'know, I don't really know you well enough for you to do that." "So it's down to these two," "Nancy I know you like this one and I think I agree." "Rachel, what do you think?" "Well umm, that one is pretty but uh, I just, I just love this fabric" "Sorry." "Oh don't be sorry, that's part of your job here to give your opinions and then I take credit for them--I'm kidding." "She is kidding, but don't ever disagree with her again." "Okay, now I'm kidding!" "Oh, what a fun office." "I don't know which one, but I do know I need a cigarette." "So what do you say we take a break, we go outside, and we'll figure this out when we come back?" "Rachel?" " Do you smoke?" " Oh no, my dad's a doctor and he would always tell me just horror stories¡¦" "¡¦about ghosts and goblins who totally supported the princess's right to smoke." "¡¦and then they came back from smoking and they had made all of the decisions without me!" " That doesn't seem fair." " I know!" "It's like I'm being punished for not having this disgusting, poisoning habit!" "Yeah, it is the best." "I mean what if this keeps happening?" "Y'know, they'll-they'll be outside smoking, making all the decisions and I'll just be up in my office breathing my stupid clean air, y'know?" "And then when the day comes when Kim wants to promote one of us, who do you think she's gonna pick?" "Me or Smokey Smokerson?" "Rachel, you can go down there, you don't have to smoke." "Just say you wanna get some fresh air." "Yeah, I can do that." "Yeah, or you can do the easy thing and smoke." " Hey!" " Hey!" "Hey Rach, you wanna get some coffee?" " I would love to!" " Oh good!" "Yeah, I wanna go to babe." "Oh good." "Oh wait, I change my mind!" "Okay, let's talk about the party!" "I have so many ideas!" "Yeah, me too!" "Oh, look at that." "All right, that's a little sketch of the cake, umm some sample menus, umm y'know what I thought we would start out with Tuscan style finger food, and for music, here's an alphabetized list of all my CDs!" "I've highlighted the ones that would go really good with the food." "What happened to the intimate dinner party?" "Oh, we're not doing that." "Okay¡¦" "So wow, it looks like you took care of everything." "Thanks a lot, co-host." "What?" "!" "I didn't take care of everything, there's-there's plenty of things for you to do!" "Like what?" "Cups." "Cups?" "You're giving me cups?" "And ice!" "Cups and ice?" "Ooh, I get to be in charge of cups and ice?" "All right." "Fine, okay, I will be in charge of cups and ice!" "Wait a minute, I can get ice at the restaurant¡¦" "I got it!" "Mine!" "Hi." "Hey!" "How'd the audition go?" "!" "Not so good." "Wait a minute, are you doing Joey's" ""Audition didn't go so well." "Yeah it did?"" "Yeah I am!" "Yeah, Ben got a second audition!" "Yeah, I had to teach Ross my bit because I actually didn't get a callback." "You got a callback too didn't you?" "Yeah I did!" "Hey Rachel, what are you doing out here?" "Oh well, it's kinda lonely up there, so I just thought I would come out here and get some fresh air." "Nancy and I were talking about the fall collection." "Oh great!" "So anyway we really¡¦" "Honey, we're just smoking all over you." " Oh, sorry!" " Oh that's okay." "No-no-no, we'll move you just stay right there." "So anyway I sent the designs over to Ralph and he's very excited about the line." "Oh that's great!" "You are the best!" "Excuse me, can I, can I bum one of those?" "Y'know what, actually¡¦" "Okay, okay, okay, what's so funny over here?" "I thought you didn't smoke." "Oh, I thought you guys meant marijuana cigarettes, y'know?" "Y'know what I mean, like dubbies?" "And I actually, I thought to myself, "Wow, those guys are crazy!"" "But no, I actually smoke the regular ones all, all the time." "We get high." "Oh, me too." "I'm kidding." "Oh, me too." "Oh God, this is so nerve wracking!" "How-how do you do this?" "Well, unfortunately, I don't get many callbacks so¡¦" "Is it a good sign that they asked us to hang around after the audition?" "Who knows?" "Okay uh, we have narrowed it down to Raymond, Ben, Kyle, and Joey." "The rest of you, thank you very much." "Yes!" "I knew it!" "Bye-bye!" "So long!" "Later!" "Oh this is great!" "I might actually get to play Ben's dad!" "Yeah!" "Actually, that can't happen." "Yeah because you all have such different looks, we're putting you with Raymond and Kyle with Ben." "So it'll be either you two or you two." "Man, this is gonna be kinda weird." "Yeah, it is." "Yeah." "It's gonna be weird." "No, we-we're gonna be like best friends, that's why it's gonna be weird." "Oh, oh," "I thought we were just talking." "Is it okay if I leave this stuff here 'til Rachel's birthday party?" "Ah sure." "What's in 'em?" "Umm, cups." "Oh good, because uh we got Rachel 800 gallons of water." "Seriously that's a lot of cups." "Yeah well, that's 'cause Monica put me in charge of cups and ice, and Monica is gonna rue the day that she put me in charge of cups and ice." "Y'know I rued the day once¡¦ didn't get a whole lot else done." "Okay, time to bring up the rest of the cups." " Oh, hi Joey!" " Hey Pheebs!" "Ross good, I'm uh glad you're here." "I wanna talk to you about something." "What's up?" "Well, I've been thinking about this whole commercial thing, y'know me going up against Ben, the two of us competing, and that can't lead to anything good." "So, I think I'm just gonna step aside." "I'm gonna tell them that I won't audition." "Wow, uh, Joey that's-that's great." "Thanks man." "That's it?" "You're-you're gonna let me do this?" "!" "This-this is my career we're talking about here!" "Well, you just¡¦" "I just said that so you wouldn't let Ben do it!" "Look Ross, if anyone should step aside it should be Ben!" " What?" "!" " What?" "What?" "Chandler!" "Tell 'em!" "Well I mean, let me get the door first." "Oh, hi!" "No one." "Why should Ben step aside?" "It was his audition in the first place!" "You-you just tagged along!" "You're like the uh, tag-a-long dad." "At least I care about his feelings!" "What?" "!" "Do you know how hard this is gonna be on him when he doesn¡¯t get it?" "And why wouldn't he get it?" "Oh, come on!" "Have you seen what my kid can do?" "!" "Huh?" "!" "I mean he dials phones!" "He-he-he eats tortilla chips!" "He-he plays soccer with the cartoon tiger!" "Are you saying your kid eats soup better than my kid?" "You just give him a spoon baby!" "Oh yeah?" "I guess we'll just see!" "Yeah!" "Because this commercial belongs to me and Mitch!" "You're kid's name is Raymond!" "Yeah?" "!" "So's yours!" "How did work go?" "Oh it was great!" "It was great!" "I went down there just like you said, y'know?" "And we talked business." "Kim totally took my opinions." "You stink!" "Thanks!" "No, I'm-I'm serious!" "Well-well that's 'cause I went down there and they were all smoking." "This is actually the smell of success." "Okay, there's something different though" "Oh my God!" "You smoked!" "I did not!" "Yes you did!" "You look happy and sick; you smoked!" "All right, fine!" "But I had too!" "I had to do it for my career!" "I wish I had smoked for my career¡¦" "That's so gross!" "No well, no it's not that bad, y'know?" "I mean yeah, my tongue feels a little fuzzy and these fingers sort of smell," "I actually feel like I can throw up." "Okay, but you gotta push past this because it is about to get so good!" "Chandler!" "I have to tell you, you smell so smokey I have to get up." " What?" " I'm not kidding." "I think you smell great!" "So, we're decided, no on plaid, yes on pink?" "Absolutely!" "I am so on board!" "Rachel didn't you just light that?" "Yeah, I did, but y'know what?" "I am really, really trying to cut back, y'know?" "Good luck, Rach." "I've actually been thinking about quitting lately." "Oh sure, every Sunday night I'm telling myself I'm quitting but every Monday morning it's like" "Tell me about it!" "Well then let's just quit!" "We'll just quit!" "Let's all quit!" "It does sound appealing." "Oh, I never could do it." "Oh but you could." "You can." "Absolutely!" "We can help each other out!" "We can get--what are those--those patches!" "We could be like the Patch Sisters!" "Oh y'know, we really should quit." "Okay, let's quit!" "Yes!" "Great!" "Give me those cigs!" "Give it!" "Give it!" "My late husband gave me that lighter." "I'm not kidding." "Okay then!" "Hmmm, soup!" "Hmm soup!" "Hmm, soup!" "Joey, Ross is gonna be here any second, would you mind watching Ben for me while I use the ladies' room?" " Oh yeah, no problem." " Thanks." "Hmm, soup!" "Hi Ben!" "So you wanna be an actor huh?" "I gotta tell ya, it's no picnic." "There's tons of rejection." "No stability." "One day you're Dr. Drake Remoray, the next day you're eating ketchup right out of the bottle." "Joey!" "Ross!" "Ben!" "I mean, Ben!" "Ben!" "Okay, Raymond, Joey you're up." " Hi!" " Okay, uh well, let's try one." "Whenever you guys are ready." " Uh-oh." " Is there a problem?" "Well this is noodle soup and uh, I've been working with tomato." "But that's okay, no problem." "No problem." "Hmm, noodle soup." "Y'know, that's-that's fine, but the line is, "Hmm, soup."" "Oh, what did I say?" "Hmm, noodle soup." "How's that different?" "Oh!" "Yeah!" "All right, let's try one." "Hmm, noodle soup." " Okay." "Let's do it again." " Okay." "Hmm, soup." "I mean, noodle soup." "I mean soup!" "COME ON!" "Y'know what?" "We need to move on." "No!" "No!" "I-I can do it one more time!" "See?" "Look!" "Hmm, noodle soup." "Damnit!" " Hey!" "Hey-hey-hey!" " Uh-oh, busted!" "Come on you guys!" "What are doing?" "!" "I thought we were the patch sisters!" "eah." "That didn't work out." "Rachel we tried to quit, but it was too hard!" "Well y'know if you, if you started smoking again you could've at least told me!" "Come on, give me one of those!" "What are we talking about?" "No." "No!" "You're doing great!" "Don¡¯t you give up!" "That's why we didn't tell you and we're not gonna drag you down with us." "Oh wait, no-no-no!" "Drag me down." "Drag-drag me down." "Forget it Rachel!" "We're both so proud of how well you're doing." "I'm not gonna let you blow it." "In fact, if I catch you with a cigarette, you're fired." "So go on, get out of here!" "Go on, I don't want you breathing this stuff!" "Go on!" "So, okay!" "So you'll come with me on the Paris trip." "Oh man!" "Check it out!" "Cup hat!" "Cup banner!" "Cup chandelier!" "And the thing that started it all, the cup!" "Great job with the cups, Pheebs!" "Why don't you just go out with her!" "And did you notice the ice?" "Look!" "We have it all!" "We have crushed!" "Cubed!" "And dry!" "Watch!" "Ahhh!" "Mystical!" "Chandler!" "Everyone--no one's eating my Tuscan finger food 'cause they're all filling up on Phoebe's snow cones!" "There are snow cones!" "Snow cones!" "Yuck!" " Y'know¡¦go!" "Go!" "Right there!" " Thank you!" "Thank you!" " Oh, look!" "Look!" "Look!" " Surprise!" "What?" "!" "What?" "!" "My birthday's not for another month!" "That's the surprise!" "Oh my God!" "You guys this is so great!" "I mean it's so unexpected!" "I mean Chandler's birthday is even before mine!" "Surprise!" "Wow!" "This is great!" "Look at all these cups!" "This is so weird." "I was in charge of cups." "Oh, okay, not so weird." " Hey!" " Hey." "Listen man, uh, I'm sorry the audition didn't go so well." "Yeah right!" "No really, I-I am!" "I feel bad!" "Yeah?" "Well look Ross, you don't have to." "Okay?" "It's not your fault I suck." "I mean what kind of an actor can't even say," ""Hmm, noodle soup."" "Yeah y'know what?" "Maybe-maybe you didn't mess up your audition because you suck, maybe you messed up because you care more about uh, your godson." "What you do mean?" " I think, sub-consciously¡¦" " Wait-whoa-whoa, you lost me." "I think on some level, you-you sabotaged your own audition so that Ben would get the part." "Well, you're way sounds a lot better than mine." "Yeah." "Yeah!" "It's not that I'm a bad actor¡¦" "No!" "No, it's just ah," "I care so damn much about little Ben that uh, it was more important to see him succeed." "There you go." " Thank you!" " Thank you!" " So, did-did he get it?" " No." "Eh, what are you gonna do?" "Oh, hi!" "Excuse me, is uh Rachel Green here?" "I was supposed to meet her for lunch." "Oh, she doesn't come down here any more." "You can find her up on ten." "Okay, great." "So we talked about the whole presentation yesterday at lunch and he wondered if one person would be enough to get a take on the trip and I said, "Yeah, absolutely!"" "I'll catch you guys later."