"♪♪" "♪ Gonna have some kind Of dreams ♪" "♪ Gonna be a slow poke" "♪ I know Living so far away ♪" "♪ I'm leaving the sky today" "♪ Ay ay ay ay" "♪ Day wah" "ANNOUNCER (O.S.):" "Ladies and gentlemen, your hosts, Jonah Ray and Kumail Nanjiani!" "Hello." "How's it going, guys?" "Look at all these people." "Look at all these you-s." "A bunch of me-s here." "If he's here" "It's mostly me-s here." "But you're harder to replace." "Yup... much harder." "If I was to replace you with anybody..." "I guess it'd be you." "Stand up." "That's an Asian lady." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "Whoa, look at that one." "Look at that" "Look at that one over there." "Which one?" "That one looks just like you." "That guy looks exactly like me." "Get up-- What's-- what's your name?" "Nelson." "Nelson!" "Get up here!" "Can you come up here, sir?" "This is Nelson Franklin, isn't it?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "Look at these" "What do you do?" "Uh, I go to school right now, pre-med." "Pre-med?" "Can you send a picture of yourself to my parents, so I can squint-- so they can squint-- and have all their dreams come true?" "You know, I'm gonna get off-stage, because people are gonna feel dizzy." "All right, why don't you guys be us and we're gonna go over here." "We're gonna stand here and heckle you." "Okay." "So thanks for coming out, guys, I'm Jonah, and this is Kumail." "Boo!" "Boo!" "Man, what's the deal with having two first names, right?" "Jonah..." "Ray?" "Shut up!" "You have the sexual magnetism of a pile of mashed potatoes!" "God." "I'm not gonna argue with that guy." "I'm just gonna muscle through it." "What muscle?" "Oh, god" "As a white guy in America, you know, sometimes" "Sometimes I feel like-- you know, I get too much privilege." "Boo!" "You look like a cross between a pedophile and his prey!" "So, Kumail, what did you have for lunch today, buddy?" "Shut up, Kumail, no matter how successful you get... people will never know how to pronounce your name." "I had a sandwich." "Don't let him talk all over you, Jonah!" "Give it back to him!" "Hey!" "You'll always be a stranger in this land!" "Never truly at home, always torn between two worlds, you fucking idiot!" "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry, Kumail, that sounds very accurate to me." "Hey!" "Hey, Kumail!" "Your father went to medical school." "You have a podcast about the X Files." "You're what people think about when they use the term "hipster"." "Except I'm not hip, I'm Jonah Ray, ladies and gentlemen." "Get it right, buddy." "Get it right, heckler." "[JONAH] Are you guys ready for a show?" "Please welcome to the stage, Aparna Nancherla." "[JONAH] Aparna Nancherla, everybody." "Hi." "Oh, thanks, thanks." "I know, my first bit..." "a simple address, uh" "I don't know, I live in New York these days, I've lived there for the past two years." "Uh, yeah, New York's great, you know, I've learned to love it." "It's a great town if you're into struggle." "Yeah." "I was trying to explain to a friend what it's like to live there." "To me, it feels like everyone in that city... is just an involuntary contestant in a reality show... called So You Think You Can Exist?" "And then, everyday you just leave your little box that you were assigned... and the city just hurls experiences at your face." "And it's just like, "You gonna break today?" ""What's gonna tip it?" "Is it gonna be the pigeon with the lazy eye?" ""Or the homeless man who had to explain what a mortgage is to you?"" "See?" "I have tricks, you do magic tricks." "We have-- yeah" "I have my own personal sort of magic." "Yeah..." "I'm a fan of all forms of magic." "Mm-hm." "What's your best trick?" "Fisting." "Mine is palming, so..." "Yes!" "One thing I wasn't ready for when I moved there... was New York is the fashion capital of the country... so there's all these models walking around, which was kind of a bummer." "Just like feral models wandering the streets... that no one warns you about... and they're always stepping out of buildings when you least expect it." "Just like ruining your day." "Just like-- agh!" "And you're like, "No!" "I'm down here!" You know?" "I don't have much." "I don't know." "Models to me, feel like self-esteem pickpockets." "Like they're fine at a distance... but then you directly walk by one, and you're just like, "No!" ""I have nothing." ""Even my personality is the wrong shape."" "People talk about New York moments..." "I think it should be a separate category called New York Breaking Points." "Uh, I had mine a couple months ago." "I was walking in Manhattan." "I just saw a loose muffin that had fallen on the sidewalk... and I just kicked it really hard!" "I was like, "I didn't know that about myself." ""I didn't know I was a muffin kicker."" "Like the top shot off in one direction... the body kept rolling, I was like, "Sick!" "Children look away!"" "It's like, if you see something, say something." "What if it's you?" "What if you're the something?" "I tried to-- I tried to play D amp;" "D." "When someone explained to me Dungeons and Dragons..." "I was like, "That sounds like a lot of fun." "I'm gonna go and play it with you." "So on a Saturday, I catch a bus to this kid's house... and he was just this weird kid... that lived with his grandmother and it smelled weird... and I had to be there for five hours, and I said, "I'm never playing this fucking game again." "I tried to play D amp;" "D once, but it's hard to focus on D amp;" "D... when I'm getting all the blowjobs!" "At once?" "What is that?" "Hey, what is that?" "Are you jerking off another guy." "No!" "That's me rolling the die!" "I'm doing the die." "I'm" "I'm doing the die, and then just all the blowjobs!" "You guys don't know what I'm talking about." "Please welcome to the stage, Ron Funches!" "I love wrestling'..." "it's the best." "People try to make you feel stupid for liking it." "They're always like, hey, you know that thing you love?" "With the pageantry." "And the fireworks." "And the golden belts." "It's fake." "And I'm supposed to be like, "Oh, no!" "You've ripped my world asunder"" ""I guess I'll just watch House now?"" "But really it should be like..." ""Well, no shit, it's fake."" "What type of psychopath... would I have to be if I wanted it to be real?" "Oh, you mean the thing where people have minor disagreements, so they body slam each other?" "And there's a guy who carries around a snake in a bag... that he uses to bite his enemies." "But it won't work against the Undertaker, because he don't got no blood." "You telling me that's not on the up and up?" "It was my birthday a couple of weeks ago... that was good." "I'm feeling older, I'm tired all the fucking time." "Like I stopped just doing things." "Like I don't even read anymore." "I just buy books and then take pictures of them." "Post those pictures to Instagram... so people think I'm smart." "I think that's a genius move." "But I'm starting to feel more responsible." "Like, I finally changed my ATM pin number... so it's not the same as my NBA Jam password?" "Our-- my parents told us, "Keep your standards high and your legs crossed."" "Which I fucked one of them up." "Hey!" "Come on, Lance!" "Uh, yeah, keep your standards high and your legs crossed." "You're like an MTV cameraman from the 90's." "I made some strong decisions this year..." "'Cause I decided I don't want to be fat anymore." "It's been a good run." "We really pushed it as far as we could go." "Like the day we mixed Kix with Nutella." "Thank you." "Thank you." "I didn't know if you guys knew about that, but that was me!" "It's just, I got some money now, and I decided I wanted to live, you know?" "I want to get old." "You don't really see that many really fat, old people." "You don't see like fat 80-year-olds." "That's what makes Santa Claus so magical." "He's like, "I'm still alive!" "Presents for everybody!"" "I just want my doctor to stop being such a smug little bitch." "Every time I come in, he's just real chill... like he doesn't even get out a stethoscope or nothing." "He's like, "I think I know what the issue is." ""You're overweight."" "I'm like, "But I just came to you for a medical marijuana card." ""I'm not even sure you're a real doctor." ""We're doing this in the back of a school bus right now."" "So, mind your business, Dr. Nugs." "Uh, take a card-- take a card out." "I'm not trying to make you pick a certain one, you really can pick whatever one" "You like that one?" "Fill that white space with a beautiful doodle, your name... just make that card a card that there's only one of." "Doodlebug." "Doodlebug, that's my cat." "Here, take that dang thing." "Okay." "You know the phrase "sleight of hand?" Mm-hm." "Right?" "Okay." "Mm-hm." "Where magicians do a bunch of funky stuff with their hands?" "So, instead of using sleight of hand, this trick uses sleight of mouth." "So, Dana, will you just-- will you bite it?" "Just teeth." "Just teeth." "This is a rare occasion where just the teeth, please." "Yeah." "And I'm gonna" " I'm gonna sign a card, as well." "Okay." "Not Doodlebug, just Justin on the Two of Diamonds, okay?" "Uh-huh." "So I'm gonna do this as well." "Okay." "Okay." "Okay." "Are we gonna make-out?" "We're not gonna make-out." "Oh." "Unless you want to make-out?" "I mean, maybe later." "You don't like to make-out." "Okay." "Let's-- let's get-- here." "Do I-- Just watch." "Don't eat that..." "that's so gross." "No, I didn't, did you feel that?" "Yeah." "I have Doodlebug..." "Whoo!" "and she's got Justin." "Whee!" "Wah-hoo!" "Magic!" "Madrigal knee, it's a Madrigal knee, it's a Madrigal knee... it's a Madrigal knee, it's a Madrigal knee, it's a Madrigal knee." "I want to tell you guys a story." "I had something very exciting happening to me... about four months ago, I met my soul mate." "Now, come on" "Met her in Buffalo." "She does Disney on Ice." "She plays Sleeping Beauty, which puts me in a difficult spot... because I also just celebrated my 13-year wedding anniversary." "But enough about my wife." "Let me tell you about this soul mate." "She's amazing." "She's incredible!" "So I met her through the opening act." "When you go out and you do stand-up comedy... you go out and you do-- stand-up, there's always a opener waiting for you." "I show up in Buffalo, really nerdy guy." "And he goes, we're gonna go drinking later." "And that's what you do when you're in Buffalo." "You gotta go drink yourself to death... because you live in fucking Buffalo." "So I go drinking and then he goes, "Some girls are gonna meet us."" "And I'm like, "Oh, my god, what are these fucking chicks gonna look like?"" "And sure enough, they were super attractive." "They walk in and these two hot ladies" "And now, like any fake journalist would..." "I gotta investigate, and so, I say..." ""So, how long you guys known each other?"" ""About four years."" "And I said, "And how'd you meet?"" "And this is the answer..." "this-- it gets good." "He goes, "She asked to see my dick."" "That's her thing." "I watched it happen a couple of times that night." "She walks up to old guys, young guys, short guys, dog, whatever." "Looks at 'em straight in the eyes and goes, "Hey, let me see it." ""Let me see your dick."" "And I'm thinking, "Oh, my god, you're the worst Disney princess ever."" "There's gotta be a mythology for Disney princesses like that." "Like they gotta see 10,000 dicks, because a witch put a curse on her." "If she doesn't, ice and snow start shooting out of her tits uncontrollably." "Maybe she's gotta see the right dick." "It's like a Sword in the Stone situation." "But why shouldn't she be able to do this?" "Is there-- guys have been yelling, "Show me your tits"... out of car windows, ever since there's been car windows." "Why can't a young lady ask to see dicks?" "So I'm bullshitting with the bartender... and lose track of our girl." "Notice her over by the jukebox with these two, big Buffalo meatheads... with the Sabres hats backwards, flannel shirts, six-foot-five, six-foot-three... looking suspicious." "You don't have to be Benedict Cumberbatch to deduce" "Those fellas got their dicks out by the jukebox." "And her friend comes over and confirms it." "Right away, she goes, "Al, come here."" "He goes, "She did it." "She did it and before I knew it..." ""I looked down and the big guy had his dick wrapped around his wrist."" "Which is still something I can't get my head around." "Maybe on a warm day." "I walk up, saddest, upset, urgent face I could come up with." "And I walk up and I tapped the biggest meathead on the shoulder... and I said, "I'm sorry, this is really embarrassing." ""Is my wife asking to see your dicks?"" "If it had stopped there, worth it alone." "The meatheads turned around, looked at each other and went..." ""Ugh!" Heads about to explode." "Then she looked at me, and this is how I know she's my soul mate." "She hadn't said anything, but looked at me as if to say..." ""You want to do this?" "Let's fucking do this."" "And the first words out of her mouth are..." ""You knew I liked looking at dicks when you married me."" "And I raised the stakes, right?" "I started getting really upset." "I go, "How could you do this?" "You said you were gonna stop." ""Now you're doing it in front of all of our friends?" "On our anniversary?" ""How many dicks are you gonna see?" "Are you gonna see all the dicks?" "Huh?" ""You're gonna see all the dicks?"" "And then she" " I don't know-- she's a great actress." "I don't know what she's doing wasting her time with this Disney on Ice bullshit." "Because she turns to me, and she says..." ""You need to remember, if it wasn't for me..." ""looking at dicks, we never would have met."" "And I said, "You're right, I'm sorry." ""I love you... carry on."" "And I just walked away, saddest walk ever, just looked back a couple times." "Leaving those two meatheads standing there with tears in their eyes... and their dicks wrapped around their wrists." "I'm glad you are." "Very excited to bring up our next comedian." "Oh." "Please welcome to the stage..." "[JONAH] Chelsea Peretti, everybody." "Man, uh, put this on the stool." "Um..." "Well, first of all, I just-- I just want to thank Meltdown for giving me a shot." "Um" " I'm sorry, what are you doing?" "[INMAN YOUNG] You can't wear that." "[CHELSEA PERETTI] I can't wear this, why?" "Because it's not cleared." "That's honestly so dumb, just because I have one logo on my head... and then one across my torso, one on my pants, I no longer can speak words in this room?" "That means I can't do stand-up." "Like the one place where I feel free and where no one ever judges me." "God, I'm sorry, like I just-- I'm sorry to um..." "I'm sorry to Jimmy Fallon, The Tonight Show." "I'm sorry, Brooklyn Nine-Nine." "I'm sorry, Buzzfeed." "This is like all" "This is like-- ugh" " I can't even make heads or tails of what I'm supposed to feel right now." "Like most of all, I'm sorry for you guys, the fans." "Because you really did deserve to see me tonight." "I really am one of the best comedians in the country right now, and" "No, I'm not gonna laugh, I'm fucking pissed!" "And you know what?" "I'm not gonna take it, and guess what, Comedy Central, CCTM, right?" "If you blur this, and if you blur this... and most definitely if you blur-- if you blur this Buzzfeed zag... then fuck Meltdown!" "Fuck Meltdown!" "Fuck Meltdown!" "Fuck Meltdown!" "Fuck Meltdown!" "Fuck Meltdown!" "Fuck Meltdown!" "Fuck Meltdown!" "Fuck Meltdown!" "You guys are so fun!" "But um, tonight you lost a real one." "Thank you." "Fuck this whole fucking place!" "God!" "That's-- that's mine!" "Who chanted with her?" "Raise your hands, who chanted?" "Agh, we're not gonna do anything." "Yeah." "Who chanted?" "Hah-hah." "Yeah, that'd be weird, it'd be like, "Oh, yeah, it was fine." This is like fun" "Fun crowd-work thing." "Who chanted?" "Just raise your hand." "Okay, the bit's done." "Okay, who really did it, though?" "'Cause we're-- we're having fun." "[KUMAIL] Just who-- [JONAH] Just so we can get clearances." "Who?" "Who chanted, "Fuck Meltdown!" Who chanted it?" "We don't want to know." "Who chanted" "She crumpled my comic book." "I was like-- the value-- the value's" "There was a couple number one issues in there." "Chelsea can do whatever she wants." "Her show's been on longer than yours."