"(MUSIC: ""THE LOOK OF LOVE"" BY DUSTY SPRINGFIELD)" "Have you got change of a fifty?" "." "Sorry, I"m sorry." "I"m really sorry." "Have you got nothing smaller?" "." "Have you got no...?" "." "Do you have a...?" "." "No." "It"s a good job I"m wearing a belt." "He"s only got change!" "." "Hold on!" "Hold on!" "(DUSTY SPRINGFIELD:" """THE LOOK OF LOVE"")" "Thanks for picking up me change." "I didn"t have anything else better to do for three hours!" "Look at that!" "I"ve had that for five years." " He dragged me all the way to Dagenham." " Why didn"t you wave at him to stop?" "." "I mean, look, does this look terrified?" "." "Does it?" "." "It"s not what I was doing, it"s what HE was doing!" "This coat"s heavy." "Thanks very much!" "I..." "Could you help us, pet?" "." "Thanks very much." "That"s great." " Do you want me to hang it up?" "." " No, sorry, sorry!" "Yes, yes!" "I"ll hang this up." "I"ll hang it up here." "Come on, come on!" "You can do it!" "You can do it!" "There you go." "Get down there, then." " Would you like a seat?" "." " What"s all that?" "." "What"s all that?" "." "Come back on the bus." "You know, the doors." "Would you like a seat?" "." "Right." "Drink?" "." "Lovely." "What do we have?" "." " Gin?" "." " Fine, yeah." "Right, yes!" "Stop, stop, stop (!" ")" "Let"s get this open and then...we"re..." "Yes..." "Oh, yes!" "Pot Noodle?" "." "Thank you." " Interesting home." " Yes, it"s Heather"s, our landlady." "She"s into Feng Shui at the moment." "That"s the ancient Chinese art of achieving harmony in the home." "You feeling calm?" "." "I"m not looking, I"m not looking!" "There it is." " Hi, Stuart." " Hi, Kylie." "I see Cupid struck again." "Told you you two would get on like a house on fire." " (Shag..." " Get out!" "Out!" ")" "Sorry about that." "Where was I?" "." "Oh, yes, Feng Shui." "Apparently it"s good Yen to have all the chairs facing away from each other." "Stuart says you"re in the hotel business." "Yeah, he"d said we"d get on like a..." "we should start seeing each other." "Wish I could!" "He...told me about your wife." "That must have been terrible." "Yes, it was." " It doesn"t show, though." " No..." "Show?" "." "What?" "." "And the hospital did such a good job." "Well, you know..." "Hospitals these days, you know." "Would you excuse me just a moment?" "." "I..." "I just have to... ..make a phone call." "What did you tell her about Eileen?" "." "I said you"d split up, and..." "..she cut your ear off." " Cut my ear off?" ".!" "I said you"d had it grafted onto a mouse and then stuck on your head." "You know, Stuart can exaggerate a little bit." "Quite a lot, actually." "The ear thing?" "." "It"s not true." "It"s just that Eileen and I can"t live without each other." "We can"t live with each other either." "But I"m over it now." "I hardly give her a thought these days." "Look, I"ll show you." "Monday, forgot about Eileen." "Tuesday..." "It"s all coming back to me now." "You don"t want to be on this date either, do you?" "." "Not so far, no." "How about a bit of music?" "." "You know, it helps me to calm down, relax a little bit." "Might get us in the mood." "I"ve got some great sounds." "(TOTAL SILENCE)" " Can you hear that?" "." " No..." "If you can, that"s music for dogs!" "Stuart"s been mucking about with it." "He"s left the... (BLARING TECHNO)" "I"m sorry, I didn"t know he did that." "No." "It was just a little unexpected, that"s all." "That"s me, Mr Spontaneous!" "She"s sweating like a horse, and I can"t think of anything else to say." "Lee, go back in there, tell her you"re a red-hot love stallion and you"re ready to rumble!" "Yes, yes, yes..." "I"m a..." "I"m a..." "I"m a huge horse with... ..hooves!" "Hung like a stallion." "And..." "And I"m rumbling!" "There"s Eileen, there." "That"s Lucas, my little boy." "Can I..." "Can I give you a bit of advice, Lee?" "." "It"s not normally a turn-on on a date for a bloke to show pictures of their wife and kid!" "It"s not, is it?" "." "Like a drink?" "." "Would you like a...?" "." "No." "Like a drink..." "No..." "Oh..." "Atmosphere!" "Atmosphere!" "Oh...!" "Yes." "Right." "Well." "We should do this again." " No, no!" " No, it"s not strange at all!" " I didn"t mean..." " I"m late for my shift at the hotel!" "Everyone will be locked out!" "I"m just going to go now and..." "No!" "No!" "Stay back!" "No, stay there." "Distance is good." "I"m going to run out of the room now just like you." "See you!" " You off, then?" "." " Yeah." "Bye!" " You all right, Lee?" "." " No, I"m not all right." "I"m really sorry." "I was a bit..." "No, I wasn"t!" "No, no, no!" "I"m..." "It"s not like you think!" "Hello!" "." "Your happpy landladpy is home!" "." "Boys, you"re in!" "I"m so pleased, "cause I"ve got the most awesome news for you." "Wait a minute." "Something"s not right in here." "What is it?" "." "Stuart, it"s you!" "Shoo, you horrible thing!" "Get off there, you"re blocking my chi!" "Feng Shui chi!" "Move over there!" " Here all right?" "." " No, not that chair!" "No!" "Over there!" "Further!" " Can I sit down?" "." " Yeah." "I"ve got a huge announcement to make, boys." "Dan and I are finally getting married." "Who is Dan?" "." "You know, my Dan!" "As in: ""Heather and Dan""." "As in: ""Oh, it must be another charity gala night, look, there"s Heather and Dan!""" "When did you actually meet this..." "Dan bloke?" "." "Yesterday." "But it seems like it"s all been so fast!" "I saw that!" "If you want to stay, you"ll have to face south east!" "I said south east!" "Oh, cheer up, little chimpie!" "How was your date?" "." "Did you hold hands?" "." "Did she say words?" "." "Well, never mind." "Put a happy smile on your face, because you"re going to meet Dan." "I"ve decided to take you both to dinner." "Dan and I are drowning in happiness!" "I want you to drown in it, too." "In a way, Lee, your being there and being so very sad, and so, so single, will make us feel even happier!" "That was so hysterical!" "Tell them, please." "You tell it so well." "I-I-I went to the shop to buy some milk and when I got there it was shut..." "Keep that up!" "It just does not happen!" " It"s a lovers" joke." " Ohhh..." "Champagne!" "Quiet, everybody." "I"ve got a very special...surprise." "Happy Anniversary!" "(Anniversary?" ")" "We"ve been together for two days!" "Apparently two days is our Woollen Anniversary." "I know it seems a bit ""urrrgh"", but it isn"t, is it, darling?" "." " Do you love it?" "." " I do." "Sure?" "." "Because if there"s the slightest doubt in your mind," "I"ll bloody destroy it, I will!" " And I"ll burn down the shop it came from!" " No, it"s fine." " Let"s see it on." " Later." "Now, Dan!" "Bolla!" "My treat." "Looks like some gorilla"s had "em lopped off." "Isn"t he gorgeous?" "." "Can you take your eyes off him?" "." "I can"t." "Sometimes I sit up all night just looking at him." "Then when he starts to nod off, I give him a little nudge, until he opens his bleary little eyes and there I am staring." "Yes?" "." "Yes." "Shish!" "I"ll tell you my secret." "Never ever, ever neglect your partner." "You"re probably thinking," """How does Heather enjoy such a heavenly relationship and I can"t?""" "No, Lee!" "Don"t think that, "cause it"s nothing to do with the way you look." "Sorry?" "." "What do you mean the way I look?" "." "Nothing." "Perhaps you"d be happier with a banana?" "." "It"s all a question of finding your Yin." "You"ve probably got a blockage somewhere." "Before I moved my trellis I had a blockage." "First my car wouldn"t start, then my ends split and Daddy got 3 years for arms dealing." "Then I unblocked the toilet, and there was Dan!" "Toilet..." "Yes, that"s an idea." "I"ve got to go." "Must you?" "." "I do so hate it when you"re away." "I"ll come, too." "No." "Better still, you stay here and I"ll go." "That way, I can come back to you, like Meg Ryan in ""Coming Back To You""." "Right!" "I can"t take any more, I"ve got to go." "No, no!" "Wait!" "What are we going to tell Heather?" "." "Anything. just not where I"ve gone." "And take the mobile." "It"s no good to me, she"s got the number." " What are we going to do?" "." " Keep it." "Not about the phone, about Heather!" "Don"t you worry about Heather." "I"ll deal with her." "I couldn"t keep away, I held it in." " Where"s Dan?" "." " Lee knows." "Have you finished with that bolla?" "." "Dan?" "." "He"s just gone out to get some change... ..for the meter." "He"s..." "Yes..." "Which is...far!" " He"s not coming back, is he?" "." " Dan?" "." "Oh, yes..." "No." "Not again?" "." "(SHE SOBS LOUDLY)" "Right, then." "Who fancies going to a club?" "." "(THROBBING ROCK MUSIC)" "There!" "What did I tell you?" "." "(STUART) Is this place classy or what?" "." "These women are not my type!" "She"s half-naked and she"s not nagging!" ""Course she"s your type!" "Quick, there"s a free table over there!" " No, this way!" "Quickly!" " I do not want...!" "Evening, ladies." "What are you looking at?" "." "Stop undressing me with your eyes!" "Have you no dignity?" "." "Bastard men!" "They"re all the same...apart from him." "Quick, Lee, does my make-up look lovely?" "." "Well, you just got a little bit there." "If you just..." " There?" "." " No." "If you..." "No..." "No..." "You look great!" "You look great!" "Look at that!" "I see the brontosaurus ate leaves!" "Lee, watch, watch!" "You"re missing the best bit!" "(STUART) Get a load of that lot!" "They"re the same earrings I gave Eileen." "Thank you." "(STUART) Lee!" "Lee!" "Get your money out!" "(Get your money!" ")" "A bag of pennies!" "Lee, where"s your class?" "." "Know what, Stu?" "." "Look, I"m not interested, and anyway I"m useless with women." ""Course you"re not!" "Try and look seductive." "Open your body posture." "Eye contact!" "Big smile!" "Right, then." "What you need is some action." "And Lee... ..there is some action!" " They waved!" " Right, right, here"s the plan." "I steam in over there and warm them up." "You stay here and practise!" "All right, mate, don"t leave it all in the gym." "(MIMES TO ""THE LOOK OF LOVE"")" " It"s all right, I don"t think they noticed." " No?" "." "That"s good." "Come on." "What"s the matter?" "." "What"s all this, Lee?" "." " I don"t know what to say!" " You don"t have to worry about that." "No..." "I told "em you come from Macedonia!" " Mace...?" "." " He"s got jet lag." "This is the lovely Lisa." " Carol." " Lisa." "And this is... jolag!" " So is he a millionaire as well, then?" "." " What"s the time?" "." "No." "He"s a billionaire now." "New York"s just closed." "He"s got a mink sink." " He wants to learn how we do things here." " Do they do it different over there?" "." "(MOBILE PHONE RINGS)" "What"s that?" "." "Phone!" "Hello?" "." "Yes..." "Actually, this isn"t really my phone." "Right." "Zloty no good here." "No good, not here!" " He"s from Macedonia, you know." " Excuse me, please?" "." "Macedonian." "Well, they got on like a house on fire!" "What was that?" "." "What did you say, my friend?" "." " You"d like to take these ladies upstairs?" "." " All right." "That might be perfectly acceptable in Macedonia, but here in Acton we book a room first..." "We said yes." "Get your coat." " Get your mac." " I no..." "Get your mac, get your mac!" " Excuse us..." " Mac..." "Mac." "Ladies..." "Hey, Lee!" "Come here!" "Come and see the room." "It"s fantastic!" "There"s just one bed!" "One minute." "M-M-Manchester United!" "Look!" "Look!" "There"s the line, OK?" "." "I agreed to the date with Kylie." "That"s about there." "I agreed to go to the lap-dancing club." "That"s about there." "You made me Macedonian!" "That"s on the line." "But when it comes to full bottom contact with you and them and all the bits..." "That"s right up there!" "Right, you get down here now." "I haven"t lain with a woman in two years." " Two years!" " Weeks!" "I meant weeks!" "I"m sorry, Stuart, I will not part..." "Lain?" "." "You are not going to nause this up for me." "Open your mouth." "(PASSIONATE MOANING)" "There, now." "Isn"t that better?" "." "Mr Ambassador, you spoil us." "How would you boys like to play a little game?" "." "If you like, though I must warn you, he"s useless at Scrabble!" "Do you mind if we blindfold you?" "." " Hey, where are you off to?" "." " M-M-Macedonia!" "Don"t spoil the game, jolag!" "I insist." "Right." "What do we do now?" "." "Well, can you count up to a hundred?" "." "A hundred, ladies?" "." "The night is still young." "Let"s try a thousand." "One, two, three..." "Nine hundred and eighty nine... (CHAMBERMAID) Any more towels?" "." " Kylie!" " You"re disgusting!" "No, no!" "Kylie!" "It"s not what you think!" "Lee, we"ve been robbed." "We"ve been robbed!" "(LEE) I"m not walking through the hotel foyer like this!" "Don"t worry." "If anyone asks, we"re looking for the swimming pool." "Yeah, good." "We"re just going for a swim in our underpants (!" ")" "Or are we just warming up (?" ")" "(LOUD LAUGHING)" "That"s not true!" "You must be making it up!" "That just does not happen!"