"Oh, my God, Mom." "I found it!" "Oh, it must have been decomposing down here for months." "What are we gonna do when he gets it out?" "Well, I guess we'll just say a prayer and flush it down the toilet like we did when your goldfish died." "Okay, back, people!" "Back!" "Now, give me some room!" "Give me some room!" "God, it stinks." "Did you find his other bowling shoe down there?" "No, just the eyelets." "I'm gonna go throw this thing in the back yard." "That's a good idea, honey." "Just put it out with Buck's house." "You know how he likes to roll around with your father's old things." "Well, I guess he's not finished with your father's "Home of the Whopper" jockey shorts." "Well, Peg, I got them." "Third row, center aisle." "The best seats in the house for the greatest show on earth." "What, Public Enemy?" "Nirvana?" "Carla and Her Disappearing Vegetables?" "I" " I mean the rock group." "Not the blond stripper who's making a squash disappear for Thanksgiving." "No, pig-in-training." "These are tickets to The Jeffersons Live." "It's their "Moving On Up" tour." "What, was the Facts of Life "Eating On Up" tour all sold out?" "Oh, Marcie, I can't believe it." "We are actually gonna see George and Weezy perform episodes from their sitcom live on stage." "Now, when you say "live" do you mean live as opposed to on TV, or live as opposed to Daddy?" "Look, we are talking about the Jeffersons." "They made me understand the greatness of the African-American culture." "I used to think I was a hip white chick but then I saw George and Weezy and they me realize that I'm just a square honky peg in a round, black world." "Well, I guess I can relate." "If Beavis and Butthead did a live show 90 years from now, I'd be there." "Kelly, Beavis and Butthead are cartoons." "They prefer to be called "dimensionally challenged," Bud." " Why do I feel so alone?" " Because no one likes you?" "Peg." "Peg, I got good news." " So do we." " No one cares." "Peg, I heard they're opening up a brand-new sports bar in the neighborhood." "Finally, a place a man can relax after work." "Well, what about home?" "Finally, a place a man can relax after work." "A place where women bring you food." "Chips and pretzels, nuts with sugar on them." "Al, you haven't even asked us about our good news." "I'm sorry, Peg." "What is it?" " We got four tickets" " Another thing they'll have:" "Twelve TVs, each with a different game on." "Peg, I tell you, I'm so hot." "If Marcie wasn't here, I'd take you on the floor right now." "Get out, Marcie." "Never mind." "The mood has passed." "Well, all I can say is I'm glad my man is evolved to the point where he doesn't need a sports bar to go to." "Hey, Al." "Did you hear about the new sports bar?" "Sure did." "Ickey Shuffle." "Did you hear they'll have a pair of Ali's gloves on display?" " Yes, I did." "And Mantle's spikes." " Plus Michael Jordan's putter." "Yes, but are they gonna have the actual door that George Jefferson slammed in the Willis' face?" "Speaking of Michael Jordan I bet you don't know who was picked ahead of him in the 1984 NBA draft." " Sam Bowie." "Went to the Trail Blazers." " Good call, buddy." "All right, Al, I got one for you." "When was the last time the Cubs won the World Series?" "1908." "And you can't remember the year we were married?" "Same year, 1908." "Only difference is, baseball's still interesting." "Well, maybe that's because they score more than once a season." "Okay, Al." "I've got one that's gonna stump you." "All right, who was in the very first light-beer commercial?" "No problem." "You're talking beer, you're talking my language." "You're talking beer, you're talking his belly." "Why do I have an uncontrollable urge to play T-ball?" " The answer is Bubba Smith." " Billy Martin." "Bubba Smith." "Wore a blue shirt with a black penguin on the pocket." "Hey, Al, what was I wearing the day you met me?" "Too much makeup." " It was Billy Martin." " Bubba Smith." " Billy." " Bubba." "Bubba." " Bubba." " Billy." " Bubba." " Billy." "Hello, Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms?" "Yeah, I have an alcohol question." "Who was in the first light-beer commercial?" "Now, I say" "Now, I say it was Bubba Smith, but my friend here says it was" "Hello?" "Hello?" "He said it was Bubba." " Billy." " Bubba." " Billy." " Billy." "Bubba." "That's no fair." "You stole that from Bugs Bunny." " Daffy." " Bugs." " Daffy." "Daffy." " Bugs." "Bugs." "Hey, hey, why are you two introducing yourselves to each other?" "You guys have been doing this for two days." "And we demand you pay us some attention." "All right." " Bubba." " Billy." "You know what we can do?" "We can ask them Friday night at the sports bar." " Yeah, great." " Friday?" "Friday night is our play." "What play?" "The Jeffersons "Moving on Up" tour." "What are they moving on up to, channel 99?" "Al, we have been talking about this for two days." " You never listen to me." " Well, why would I?" "I got a TV." "I know." "It's the only thing you've turned on in 20 years." "If you came with a remote and mute button I might turn you on too every now and then." "Listen to me." "I gotta be there opening night." "You know who's gonna be there?" "Johnny Bench, Ernie Banks and Joe Namath." "Yawn, gag and snore." " Now, listen here, Peg." " No, no, no, Al." "You listen to me." "Now, you weren't there when Kelly was born." "You weren't there when Bud was born." "I don't think you were even there when they were conceived." "Now, this play is important to me and you will be there." "Do I even have to open my mouth?" "Nope, nope." "I'm there." "Moving on up to the East Side, the West Side, all around the town." "Fine." "Now that that's settled, let's go buy some clothes." "Oh, you're right." "We must accessorize for the theater." "Oh, God, how sad." "Anyway, Dad I just heard the sports bar's opening the same night as the Jeffersons tour." "Which one are you going to?" "Yeah." "Kids, you wanna do old Dad a favor before he kills you?" "You know, they call Chicago the second city because we're supposed to be inferior to New York." "But with theater like this, we have nothing to be ashamed of." "Let's open our "Moving On Up" souvenir bags." "We can use them when our dinner starts moving on up." "Okay, Al." "Who am I?" "Patrick Ewing?" "No, you Philistine." "I'm Weezy." "Well, I'm woozy." "Ladies and gentlemen, a brief announcement before our show starts." "Tonight the role of Ralph the Doorman will be played by Erik Estrada." "Well, he was Ponch." "There go the lights." "You know what we have to do." "Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for the Jeffersons." "Look at this, Jefferson." "Every sport known to man." "Baseball, football girls in bikinis wrestling in lettuce." "Jefferson, if I thought heaven was like this I'd have put a bullet in my brain years ago." "If I thought you had a chance in hell of getting in, I'd do it for you, buddy." " Thanks, man." "I love you." " Yeah." "Al, Al." "Over there." "It's Ernie Banks." "Gotta get a picture with him!" "Wait a second." "You can't just go up to Mr. Cub and drool all over him." "That's a" " That's a legend, a Hall of Famer." "You gotta respect his privacy." "You know, you" " Shoot it, damn it!" "I'm blind." "You hit 512 homers." "Imagine how good you'd be if you could see." "We're just kidding, Ernie." "You okay?" " Yeah, I guess." " Good." "Shoot, Al!" " Thanks, pal." " Ernie Banks." "I can't see." "What a great guy." "Officer Dan." "Let me guess." "Jeffersons Live." "I would have been here sooner, but my kids showed up late." "Okay, watch this, Al." "Now, Florence is gonna hold up a jock strap and say, "What's that?"" "And then George is gonna say, "That's my cup."" "And she's gonna say, "How the heck you gonna drink out of that?"" " What's that?" " Oh, that's my cup." "How the heck do you drink out of that?" "And you wanted to go to a sports bar." "Hey, where's the guy who says "Dynomite"?" "No, that's the other show, Gimme a Stroke." "This is the lowest thing that I have ever done." "Okay, the lowest thing I've ever been paid to do." "Okay, the lowest thing I've ever been paid to do that I didn't enjoy." "If you ask me, the Willis' were way ahead of their time." "Your hands are moist like mine." "But then watching The Jeffersons always made me horny." "What say the next time the scenes change and the lights go out, we..." "What's wrong with women?" "Don't they know what real fun is?" "I know what you mean." "Check out Shaquille's foot." "The size of it alone is better than anything..." " ...the Jeffersons have ever done." " Yeah." "And look at that massive hand imprint." "Who's is it?" "Wilt Chamberlain's?" ""Martina Navratilova."" "You know what they say about big hands?" " Johnny Bench!" " Johnny Bench!" "Quick!" "Get a picture!" "It's okay." "He never won a pennant." "Or scored four touchdowns in a single game, eh, John?" " Who is that guy?" " How do I know?" "I'm blind." "We never settled our bet about who was in the first light-beer commercial." "Now, there must be somebody around here that knows it was Billy Martin." "There must be somebody here that knows it was Bubba Smith." "Wait a second." "I know just who to ask." "Yo, barkeep." "Joe Namath!" "Give me the camera!" "I'm blind." "Joe" "Joe, I" " I've followed your career from Alabama to Super Bowl III to that pain-ointment thing you do now." "Thanks." " You a shoe salesman?" " Yeah." "Told you." "You" " You know, Joe, I got just one question for you." "Oh, I know, I know." "Did I really believe I'd win the Super Bowl?" "No, no." "Who was in the first light-beer commercial?" "Who cares?" "See, he said Bubba." "It was Billy." "I couldn't help overhearing you two and after sucking down 20 cold ones and a couple of warm ones my memory and my bladder have been jogged." " It was Bubba Smith." " Thank you." "And that's the law talking." "It was Billy Martin." "I know, I have it on tape." "Bubba Smith." "I know, I don't know anything except that." " Billy Martin." " Bubba Smith." " Billy Martin." " Bubba Smith." " Billy Martin." " Bubba Smith." "I cannot believe this actually worked." "Mom was so convinced I was Dad, she picked my pocket during the show." "What are you complaining about?" "At least you didn't get a hickey." " Billy Martin!" " Bubba Smith!" " Billy Martin!" " Bubba Smith!" "Fellas, fellas, fellas." "Now, what are we fighting about?" "Here we are in the playground of the gods." "We got bimbos on the tube, we got the law on the floor we got sugar on our nuts and we got our wives at The Jeffersons." "Who gives a rat's patoot who was in the first light-beer commercial?" " He's right!" " Yeah." "Especially since we all know it was Bubba Smith." "Sometimes I wish I was back in the game, where it's safe." "You left the game?" "Two years after my knees did." "Watch it, now!" "Watch it, now!" "Watch it, now!" " Billy Martin!" " Bubba Smith!" " Billy Martin!" " Bubba Smith!" "Jefferson, watch my camera!" "I got it, Al." "You have the right to remain unconscious." "I'll kill you." "I'm gonna kill you." "Well, did you learn your lesson?" "We have." "It was a pretty good sports-trivia bar-fight, though, hey, buddy?" "The best." "Give me five." "On second thought give me one five times." "Well, boys, we'll see you in about a week." "We're going to see the "Moving On Up" tour in Milwaukee." "Yeah, we bought a "See America With the Jeffersons" rail pass." "It includes transportation, theater tickets and a box lunch with both Lionels." "Can we get you anything before we go?" " As a matter of fact, my pain medicine" " Gotta run." "See you later." "Oh, well, at least they're gone and we've got a game on the tube." "And now stay tuned for our 24-hour Jeffersons marathon." "Starting with "The Jeffersons Go to Hawaii."" "Hey, now, kids." "Hey, now!" "Change the channel here!" "Oh, my God." "It's Weezy in a bathing suit!"