"Dad?" "UNIVERSE" "Doctor of Biology" "Do you know what this is?" "Some kind of a reed." ""Reed"...!" "This is sweet sedge." "Could be." ""Could be"?" "There is no doubt about it!" "It is also called akorum, or breastroot." "It originated in South China, but is now quite common here, too." "It was brought over by the Tartars." "They used it to find out if the waterwas fit to drink." "How?" "How?" "First, they sent in scouts, meaning, spies..." "They threw the sedge in the water, they hung around for a few days..." "If the sedge grew roots, then the water was safe." "The hordes could, therefore, pour in and start the slaughter." "That is why sweet sedge is also called Tartar grass." "Why did you get it?" "Jesus!" "Just to have something green here!" "What time did you get in?" "You didn't wake me up." "Some time after midnight." "I hope you don't mind." "Why should I mind?" "I am just asking." "What are you doing here?" "Christ!" "You scared me!" "Dropping this booklet." "Christ is coming, but you're going... so goodbye." "This is for him." "Him who?" "My dad." "Is this a trick?" "Sorry to barge in," "I just wanted to clean up, drop this, then I'm out of here." "I take it you're Robert?" "Bull's-eye!" "Are you hungry?" "No, I'm not." "Why aren't you?" "Never mind." "I don't mind if I don't eat, but you should." "I ate yesterday." "What did you have?" "A burger." "Which you bought, right?" "Which I made." "What a coincidence!" "I am just making hamburger." "Well, two days in a row won't hurt you." "How do you make them?" "I know, you add some dill, don't you?" "Of course, I do!" "Actually, it's quite good." "Bit of flour, then grill." "No breadcrumbs?" "You know it's not a real burger if you use only beef." "Can you imagine?" "The other day, at the zoo, we lost an orang-outang." "Really." "We started a search..." "We looked everywhere, even in my locker at the lab." "Nothing." "The director called the police, they hung up on him." "So we continued our search." "Three days later, as we were about to give up," "Tonda Sinior, who prepares the apes' meals, remembered that when he stepped out for a minute that day, he had left a bottle of wine on the table." "What are you doing?" "Nothing." "We'll have to throw it out." "What are you fussing about?" "Everything is just carbon, hydrogen, oxygen and nitrogen, and has been... fortwo billion years." "What happened to him?" "Who?" "The orang-outang?" "Believe it or not, he was in the cellar under a heap of wood shavings, sleeping like a baby." "They did a blood test, the poorthing came up with over 1.2 % of alcohol." "He told you about me?" "That's my point: he didn't." "Introduction to Zen." "You want to be introduced to Zen?" "I was very much into it, once." " Did it work?" " Kind of..." "As you can see." "What happened to you?" "This lunatic was about to hit me, so I swerved and landed in a ditch on a pile of dirt." "The bike is fine." "Are you a pilot?" "Yep." "Actually, I'm an astronaut." "Back from Slovakia." "Cute." "What are you doing?" "Now we really have to throw it out." " You're becoming obsessive." " There's blood in it now!" "Mine, which is also yours." "It won't kill you." "By the way, last time, it was a chimpanzee." "What was?" "When that old lady called the cops because some drunkard was dancing on a roof nearby." "When they arrived, they found it was a chimpanzee." "It happened." "What is your point?" "What kind of zoo are you running if a chimp can escape and climb on a roof?" "Anything can happen in this world." "Things disappearthen reappear with no explanation." "Animals too." "Even people." "The Leg Scratcher comes at night and scratches the legs of kids who don't want to sleep." "And shall I tell you about Kurupeer?" " What does he do?" " Nothing." "He just comes in, sometimes." "He has black mud for a face... and rusty nails forfingers." "You know what?" "Stay here, I'll be right back." "You said you'd be right back." "Did I really?" "I don't remember saying that." "I still see myself stuck up there, my heart in my throat." "I waited for half an hour!" "Where was I?" "I had no idea." "I wondered why you were hiding from me." "Perhaps I just wanted to find out how you would face adversity." "Forwhat is intelligence if not a person's ability to deal with the unpredictable?" "Well, thank you so much." "I almost shat my pants!" "After all the monster stories you'd filled me up with?" "The Leg Scratcher?" "And Kurupeer?" "Well..." "How is Marta?" "What kind of a question is that?" "I am trying to communicate!" "Are you still with her or not?" "I've been with herfor 5 years." "Are you cheating on her?" "She's the first I haven't cheated on." "She doesn't want to have kids?" "You should fry them in lard." "OK, I'm outa here." "Bye then." "You have a computer problem?" "I do." "A huge one." "What is it?" "Whatever I was writing just disappeared." "All I've got is this shit!" "Let me see." "Wow!" "That's awesome!" "Why don't you like it?" "I'm sure it's fascinating, but I should have finished this two days ago." "Were you downloading some fonts?" "I need more fonts for my work." "Which is what, if I may ask?" "I'm applying for a Finnish grant." "This isn't Finnish." "No, it's crap." "Six weeks of work completely screwed up." "You know what you're doing?" "I hope so." "That's reassuring." "Hope is the root of everything." "Especially when one's into Zen." "You collect bad boys' fingers?" "I have it just in case you're the kind of guy who loses it when he's with a girl." "I did, when I was young." "You're an old man now?" "Feels like it." "So don't be afraid." "I'm not afraid of you." "All I have to do is this... if you're not Robert." "Do you know what I have?" "No." "A baguette!" "I could have used it on you." "To feed me?" "I should get on with this." "Guess you've read what's on my forehead." "See?" "You like it." "People today will eat any crap." "I remember your mother only cooked chicken and chicken..." "And chicken, I know." "But it was always burnt." "I never ate chicken that wasn't burnt." "Won't you have some?" "No, it's all yours." "I can't eat this, not with my diet." "It was burnt because she always had too much on her mind." "What I would give for a chicken sauteed in butter!" "In Egypt, the slaves who built the Pyramids were much worse off." "All they had was millet cakes, raw onions, and beer." "Further East, people make do with even less." "In India, the Shavadians have been persecuted for a thousand years, but they're still there." "They secretly stay close to the funeral pyres on the banks of the Ganges river." "Why do I feel you are about to say something particularly revolting?" "Nothing particularly original." "They eat the human remains that are thrown into the river after the service." "They catch them downstream." "The flesh is already kind of roasted, not to mention generally rotten... which is okay because they do it for religious reasons." "When religion comes into play, nothing is too vile." "Perhaps I should join them." "I can't eat meat unless it is boiled or roasted." "An old chum of mine, "Cuckoo", wanted to taste human flesh, and he did, eventually." "Are you kidding me?" "Was he a doctor?" "No, but his friend was." "And they argued like hell about how to cook a person." "What happened to her?" "She was run over by a truck." "Let's make a roast." "Let's make a stew." "Mom had this great recipe, remember?" "Stew's fine with me." "Then stew it is." "Reminds you of the hospital, Doc?" "We need to marinate this." "So let's." "Allspice, pepper, paprika..." "Bay leaf." "Right." "Mom used to put bay leaf in, too." "I'll make the marinade." "Make enough to pour some into the stew." "How about pouring something into us?" "How do you know all this?" "You weren't there, were you?" "No, I wasn't." "Don't forget the dill." "Screw the dill." "Let me see." "Buzz off." "Is it ready?" "Not yet." "So throw the stuff in." "What stuffing?" "The marinade." "Did they like it?" "Apparently." "What?" "Nothing." "So what happened to Cuckoo?" "He kind of lost it." "He left his girlfriend, quit his job, stopped buying meat, and became a vegetarian." "Nice." "Do you still buy Aviation?" "Only out of habit." "Depends on the content." "Last year, they had a long piece on the Shoki Ki-44." "You always loved ugly airplanes." "Come on!" "The Shoki Ki-44 is not ugly." "I'll grant you that, but you always did love ugly planes." "And the one you loved most was the Sparviero." "The Sparviero, yes." "That one, I did love." "It looked like a hunchback." "It had three propellers, it was simple, which I liked." "All right, the Sparviero was not so bad." "The engine was underpowered, like all Italian aircraft." "But it was a good torpedo plane." "Even the Pipistrello was fine, considering the time it was made." "Do you know what a pipistrello is?" " I do." " A bat." "It means a bat." "Why the face?" "Stop "enlightening" me." "I am trying to enlighten you?" "All the time!" "How so?" "Anything you say, you always tack on an "explanation"." "That is probably the way I am." "And you call that "a dialogue"?" "All dialogue is an illusion." "Wherever you go, people only want to talk about themselves." "I'm not so sure." "Because you haven't grown up yet." "As you keep telling me!" "Because it's true!" "By the way, what is happening with your hemorrhoids?" "I recently went to see a doctor for my stomach." "The stomach problems, you got from me." "I have been ulcer-prone all my life." "I'll be in the lab." "Hello, my name is Cvrcek." "Good morning." "What is your problem?" "Jirka Filek suggested I come to see you." "Before he died." "So I kind of doubt his advice." "Take a seat." "Did you know Jiri?" "He was a very nice man." "Unfortunately, we couldn't save him." "I guess he was kind of negligent." "Negligent?" "I wouldn't say that." "It spread so fast that when we opened him, he basically had no intestines left." " What are you doing?" " Nothing." "What do you mean "no intestines left"?" "It looked as if someone had poured acid into his stomach." "Just mush." "And the doctorjust blurts it out?" "Great." "So what's wrong with you?" "Nothing too exciting." "She pushed this hose down my throat and I teared up like a rabbit." "All she found was some kind of a pouch." "A pouch?" "A hernia!" "Which type of hernia?" "Hiatal hernia." ""Hiatal"..." "Be more specific." "Sliding?" "Axial?" "I don't know." "You go to a doctor and you don't ask what is wrong with you?" "Did she prescribe anything?" " Some pills." " Which ones?" "I don't know." "You don't know what drugs you are taking?" "We're not at the doctor's." "I mentioned it just in passing." "But this is important." "I also have..." "What?" "Another problem?" "I have hemorrhoids." "That's not a problem, Mr. Cvrcek." "We can do this right here." "We'll tie them up, they'll drop off." "Let's have a look." " You mean, right now?" " Yes." "I see." "These won't just drop off." "How long have you had them, Mr. Cvrcek?" "Twenty years." "This will require surgery." "The sooner, the better." "What have we here?" "Right there and then, I had a boner like I hadn't had in years!" "How humiliating!" "Look, a cormorant..." "I envy you." "Had she touched me, the effect would have been nil." "So now what?" "Will you have surgery?" "I don't know." "You don't know?" "You two must have come to a decision." "Yeah, I'll have to." "Does it hurt when you go...?" "Must you go on about it?" "Tell me and I will shut up." "No, it doesn't." " Does it bleed?" " No, it doesn't." "But a minute ago, you said..." "Damn it, dad!" "It's your health we're talking about!" "Maybe it does." "What?" "Bleed." "And stop talking about diseases." "When I went to the hospital for my leg," "I tried to think of anything but diseases." "My doctorwas a certain lzmalcov." "Not exactly a soft-hearted man." "Good morning." "So, Mr. Cvrcek!" "How's the leg?" "It'll have to go, you know." "No way!" "Definitely." "No!" "He had black bangs that hanged down over his eyes." "That is their national haircut, as we all know." ""National haircut? "" "He was Bulgarian." "Didn't I mention it?" "Otherwise, he was a nice fellow." "Except, on the second day I was in, he said..." "Goodbye, Mr. Cvrcek." "Goodbye." "Your leg held up, so you must be happy." "We got it under control." "For now." "Put some ointment on it, pamper it, don't exert it too much, and I think it will be okay for at least another two years." "Two years?" "Then what?" "Then we'll cut it off." "Right, doctor?" "Anytime." "You're still walking." "I am." "I have a limp, I don't pamper it, and it's held up for eight years!" "Never believe doctors!" "All the fonts are marked with a dot." "Put your cursor on it, click..." "Bang, we're back on!" "Fantastic!" "Thank you so much." "You're good." "This ain't Finnish, either." "No, it's a dumb e-mail joke." "But look at this one." "It's an iq test." "I never asked for it, but it perked me up when I was down." "My score was 124." "And the accompanying note said I was a "World Warrior"." "So I gather I flunked all the math and logic-driven questions." "It says here that for just 13 dollars, you can get your own 13-page-long personality profile." "Of course, had you scored less than 70..." "I still wouldn't be a retard, but "uniquely skilled"." "Want to try it?" "No, thanks." "Although my last score was pretty decent." "But then I was drunk." "Had 8 shots in a row." "Had you had only 4 shots, your score would have been higher?" "Not at all." "I went back the next day, cold sober, and I came off a retard." "I would really like you two to stay together." "Why do you keep talking about it?" "I just want you to be happy." "I'm not unhappy." "True, you used to be much worse off." "Compared to all the women you have lived with," "Marta is the jackpot." "She's neither dumb nor hysterical..." "On the other hand, Kamila was a nightmare." "Are you serious?" "You're a bastard!" "Fuck off!" "Let me explain." "Fuck you!" "As was Margot, or whatever she called herself then." "What are you looking at?" "Or Esther." "So pretentious." "At least she was cute, wasn't she?" "I must confess nice women always scared the hell out of me." "Why?" "Because sooner or later I'll run out of things to say to them." "Only a real bitch has that extra-spark." "Sure, sure." "Once, at a spa," "I met one." "She had hair like Sophia Loren." "She didn't look bad... and she was winking at me openly." "Is this seat free?" "Certainly." "I am Dr. Cvrcek." "Delighted." "And right away, she started to confess." "I lost my husband nine years ago." "And sometimes I almost cry when I realize there isn't a man" "I can speak to person to person..." "You understand?" "Just talk." "I find that hard to believe." "Of course, I didn't mean you." "After all, you're a doctor... aren't you?" "Of course I am!" "I couldn't bring myself to tell her that I was a doctor, yes, but only of biology." "In my opinion, men are basically predators." "Don't you agree?" "I think we had better... order ourselves a good dinner... along with some champagne... if you don't have any objection." "A good salad..." "I can't!" "I have a weak stomach and they use vinegar, not lemon." "Finally, I took her back to her place." "And she offered to do a split." "Give me a break, spare me the details!" "What is your problem?" "Come on!" "I never became a professional dancer because my husband was against it." "But I can still do splits." "How about cartwheels?" "Cartwheels?" "I might give that a try." "After all, you're the doctor." "I fled and spent the night at the railway station." "Ah, well..." "I just want you to stay with Marta." "You're not cheating on her, are you?" "I'm yourfather!" "I don't want you doing the same stupid things I did!" "Although, much to my horror, you do take after me." "You were not brought into this world just for yourself!" "Forwhat else then?" "Jesus!" "For reproduction, of course!" "I don't have an overwhelming desire to reproduce my genes." "Even though I did slip up once." "What do you mean, "slip up"?" "Look at me!" "Tell me the truth." "I only found out a year ago." "Fine." "Hi there." "Thank you." "Could you...?" "I forgot my glasses." "Sure." " They have goulash." " Kolac pie?" "Goulash." "No, I don't want any." "What else?" "Wiennerschnitzel..." "That would put me straight into a coffin." " Sauerkraut goulash..." " No." "Dzhulbastia..." "What kind of crap is that?" "That's what it says." "I didn't put it there." "Devil's Pocket." " What?" " Devil's Pocket." "I'm hard of hearing, okay?" "I'm just reading what's written!" "But you don't want that, do you?" "Why would I?" "Do you know what it is?" "No." "All it says is "Devil's Pocket"." "You're grumpier than your grandpa!" "He hated it when anyone asked him a question." "They also have fish fillet." "Ha!" "They don't even write what kind." ""What kind"?" "Fillet is fillet!" "What kind of fish?" "Does it say what kind of fish?" "It could be cod from Alaska... or perch... it could be cornish salmon... or hake, merluccius merluccius, orwolf fish, which Americans know as catfish, anarhicas lupus..." "Most likely, common cod, or spotted cod." "That must be it." "I'm sorry!" "I need to know what I am eating." "Once I know, I will eat anything." "Although the spines must be removed from anchovies and sardines, which might appear ridiculous to some." "Sweetbreads are out." "Otherwise, anything." "Sorry." "I was just reading what's written here." " Try it." " Dad!" "Come on, taste it." "Thank you." "Keep eating, I need to..." "Long time no see." "Hi." "Who's that?" "That?" "My father." "You hang out together?" "Yeah..." "Often?" "Every three weeks..." "With your old man..." "So what?" "Nothing." "And when you hang out, you talk about women?" "Sure." "Among otherthings." "Could I join you, just for a moment?" "We're about to leave." "Just a few minutes." "I am waiting for Jirka Sysel." "Some othertime, Kulich." "Okay..." "Is he really your old man?" "Yeah." ""Whateverthe problem of the matter is, it is eithervery complex or much too simple for us to perceive just how simple it is."" "Sorry, this fell out of your jacket." "Is that "new philosophy"?" "I never liked highbrow literature." "Neither did I." "But sometimes it breaks up one's loneliness." "Shall we move on?" "Let's." "Check, please!" "I have to go to the store." "Go ahead." "But you're not alone, are you?" "Neither are you." "But nowadays, I must put a lot more effort into it." "You think I don't?" "Not as much, I hope." " Was the food okay with your diet?" " The fillet?" "No." "But it was good." "By the way... wasn't there something you wanted to tell me?" "There was, but there's not much to say." "Shouldn't we sit down?" "Although sitting here is like taking a walk in the park without moving one's legs." "They're hurting today." "Is this okay?" "Go get us some beer." "Sure, but first, I have to take this call." "Go right ahead." "Although there was nothing" "I couldn't discuss on the phone in front of my dad." "Where were you?" "I waited for you until 3 AM." "I worked very late last night so I crashed at Dad's." "We'd planned to hook up today, anyway." "You didn't want to disturb me." "How thoughtful." "Am I ever going to see you?" "I'm still looking for someone for your thing." "All my friends just bailed." "What thing?" "Your computer." "You asked me for an it guy." "That's being fixed." "What is?" "The problem we'd talked about." "You found no one, so I did." "As usual." "Let's not argue." "Wait!" "Who's fixing it?" "A guy who stopped by." "Who?" "Someone who was looking for you and was kind enough to look at my computer." "That must be Hoodlum." "Doesn't look like him." "Don't let Hoodlum touch your computer." "Make him coffee, ask him about his ego problems, then throw him out." "Actually, he's pretty funny." "Hoodlum?" "Funny?" "He was funny only once:" "when he flew through his windshield straight under a truck!" "How's your dad?" "His legs are hurting." "We just had lunch and we're washing it down with beer, then we'll take anotherwalk by the river." "Then go, don't let him just sit there." "All right, I'm going." "Give Hoodlum some coffee and throw him out." "Tonight I'll cook us one hell of a meal then we'II take the teddy bear with us to bed..." "Don't be too late, then." "I'll come as soon as I can." "Okay, see you." ""Bikst..." "Lambda x 3, open parenthesis..."" "What is this?" "That is the Reimann-Christofell Tensorforthe radius of the Universe." "If you say so." "What do I do with it?" "Nothing, just enjoy the drink... and start talking." "Go ahead." "To make a long story short..." "While I was in the Army, I dated a girl, Tania." "The tiny one who combed her hair all the time?" "With midget hands?" "What's her name..." "Zuzana?" "Tania!" "I just told you!" "While I was in the Army." "Ah, the one with a big nose and rabbit's teeth." "That one was from Slovakia and you never met her." "Well, one day, she told me she was pregnant." "Not by me, but she thought she still loved me." "Then it was over." "Not because of the baby..." "I was cheating on her." "I was in the Army and she was olderthan I was." "I think she also had other guys..." "Jesus Christ!" "Johnny!" "Hi!" "Tania!" "You haven't changed at all!" "Neither have you." "Chicken with almonds." "Listen..." "I have something to tell you." "The kid was yours." "I didn't want to tell you at the time because..." "I didn't want to cause any problems, for you orfor me." "Remember what you were like?" "You were irresponsible." "A real idiot." "And somehow..." "I thought... it wouldn't have worked." "So, have you found your soul mate?" "Not yet." "Since you broke the news so gently..." "I have a request." "I'd like to see him, at least once." "I can understand that... but you can't tell him you're his father." "She had a point." "So I decided to go to Martin, in Slovakia." "You went to visit him?" "I wouldn't call it a visit." "Every Friday, Tania goes to a cafe and the kid drops by after band practice to borrow some money." "Just to impress the girls, you know." "Take them out for a drink or a movie." "Don't get angry, but he may not show up." "This hasn't happened in a long time." "You're out of luck." "Don't worry." "At least we had a chance to talk, after so long." "It was good to see you." "Ciao." "Hi!" "Can't you wear something decent when you go out?" "You can't." "I know." "It would send the wrong signals." "Is it so hard for you to answer?" " Did you hear me?" " I did." " So why don't you answer?" " Get to the point, ma." "Right." "Let me at least introduce you." "This is Mr. Cvrcek." "Sorry..." "Mom didn't have to tell me." "I just stood there like an idiot" "looking at an older version of myself." "And the older me is blinking." "Obviously, until then, he'd had some doubts." "But when he saw me, they went out the window." "In the end, probably because he was so nervous, he spat out his espresso straight onto my mom's pants." "Mom hates people who drink their coffee like slobs." "Can't wait forthem to fight it out." " At least sit down." " Why?" "I never did, why start now?" "Say something!" "Me?" "Not you, him!" "Please, the band is waiting." "Ciao." "I'm done." "Does it hurt?" "What?" "When nature calls." "No, it doesn't, I already told you." "Does it bleed?" "No, it doesn't." "I'm just asking!" "Sometimes people brush things aside... until it's too late." "And I really care about you." "You know that." "So tell me, is it true?" "Don't get mad at me!" "Did you see him again?" "Yes." "And?" "Bang, it just hit me!" "One look at him and I saw what I'd be like in 20 years." "Thinning hair, a belly..." "It nearly floored me." "I talked to mom..." "She told me." "She didn't really need to." "The moment I saw you, I knew." "Same for me." "Ciao." "And when I heard his voice," "I began to feel as if I was in a time warp, talking to myself." "Then I realized... he was shaking, too." "Just seeing me." "That gave me wings." "Wings..." "I don't want to bother you, but..." "You won't bother me." "Well, this girl and I keep breaking up then getting back together." "If I'm boring you, just tell me and I'll stop." "But I have to get it out." "Then get it out." "Am I interfering with your work?" "No, I was playing a stupid game." "Then the computerfroze." "Pretty fast machine." "I need that for my work." "What do you do?" "Design?" "Graphics." "Art..." "Not really." "Just these gaudy fliers." "What about the girl?" "She's probably stupid." "But I like her." "Maybe she is stupid like everybody says." "But stupidity has its charms." "Check this out..." "She comes to tell me she still loves me, but she also loves someone named Ingrid, who'll move in with us." "A week later, new development:" "she doesn't love me anymore, she loves some black guy who plays bongos." "A week after that, more changes." "She loves me again, but I must study." "Maybe she's not that stupid." "Then I started coming back." "The first time, I needed some advice about Ducky." "Ducky?" "A friend of mine." "Did he give you any?" ""lf a woman puts pressure on you when nothing goes wrong, she'll kill you if anything does." "So run away from her as fast as you can."" "Did he say that?" "Yep." "How did she pressure you?" "Real hard." "She wanted you to stay." "Igorloves Eve" "But Eve don't love Igor" "So Igor, he sad, so sad" "Cut the bull!" "If you were really so tough, you wouldn't need daddy's advice." "Wow!" "Right on the money!" "Thank you for the computer." "Since I'm nosy today, I'll have one more question." "Ask away." "What is it you thought you had written on yourforehead while you were on the computer?" "That everyone can basically see who and what I am." "And basically, who and what are you?" ""lDlOT"" "Basically." "This one's tough." "It won't be defeated." "A friend of mine finished this game in four hours, from beginning to end." "No shit!" "I've been at it for over a month." "The secret's in the shortcuts." "Hey... do you have anything to eat?" "Now I get it." "What?" "He wanted money, didn't he?" "No!" "What gave you that idea?" "The fact that you are telling me." "I can't talk to you." "I was trying to be funny." "Then be funny!" "Don't get pissed off all the time." "What did he want?" "He was hungry... and I, who never told anyone what to do..." "Don't eat it cold!" "Who knows what they put in it?" "And put it on a plate!" "Take one over there!" "There!" "I'm pointing at it!" "Don't eat out of the paperwrap." "Mustard or ketchup?" "I prefertartar sauce, so if you want any..." "He usually eats it cold." "You made him nervous." "So how was it?" "What?" "His sausage?" "It was yummy." "Spicy Slovak sausage." "Seeing yourfather." "He was yummy, too." "I see." "So what's the next step?" "So far, we've gone out for drinks a few times and it looks like we might do it again." "Does Marta know about it?" "She doesn't, but so what?" "He's a grown-up and so am I." "What is his name?" "Robert." "It's your life, but one should take care of one's children." " I hope..." " I only found out a year ago!" "Would you like some coffee?" "I didn't even put any music on." "I've got a CD here." "Want to play it?" "Not if it's Slovak punk rock." "It is Slovak punk rock." "Sorry, I was only joking." "So was I." " So put it on." " No, I won't." " Put it on!" " I won't." "Is it your band?" "It's not." " Yes, it is." " No, it's not." " Who told you about the band?" " Just a hunch!" "What do you play?" "I've been torturing a base for a good four years." "Terrific..." "Where and when can I see you perform?" "Nowhere and never." "How come?" "We feel... stupid... getting up in front of people." "We're too shy." "So we play only for ourselves." "I'm talking in general." "I am actually glad you took after me and not after your mother." "Your mother was such a puritan... you had to get her drunk before you could touch her." "We screwed only three times before the wedding." "In fact, you're the result of the third time." "I loved your mother, no doubt about that." "But it wasn't easy." "I loved her, too." "At least, I tried to." "What year did she die?" "1993." "And I had this weird vision which kept coming back." "I'm sitting in our old living room and I'm watching mom standing by the window, smoking." "And I realize I'm not feeling anything." "No sorrow, no compassion, no anger..." "Nothing." "No feeling whatsoever." "Why was I born into this desert?" ""Desert"?" "Yes." "And as I was about to tap the ash off my cigarette..." "Don't use that, I just washed it." "Get the kitchen ashtray." "As I look at her, I'm trying to feel something." "But all I see are years of dusting and vacuuming and watching the dumbest..." "TV shows from the '70s and the '80s instead of having any semblance of a life." "Nice, really nice." "Every time I killed her, I dug a grave nearby." "But that wasn't enough." "I had to go back and check." "Not that I wanted to, I just couldn't help it." "I was terrified but I always went back." "Got on my knees and dug and dug... until I made sure the body was still there." "I had these flashes so often that in the end," "I couldn't swear I hadn't done it." "That's some tale you're telling me." "I only hope it wasn't caused by some trauma in your childhood." "If it was, I truly regret it." "Mom..." "What's my mom like?" "Affected... impulsive... embarrassing at times." "All she talks about is herself." "And when she mentions someone else, it's only to find out how they feel about her!" "Otherwise, she's fine if you don't have to live with her." "And I've spent 25 years with her." "That's enough." "Where will you go?" "I have an opportunity to move to Prague." "And your band?" "One step at a time." "Right now..." "I come, I play, I leave." "We don't practice that much." "The drummer and I are studying philosophy..." "Except I kind of dropped out." "I can't complain about my childhood, it was all right." "And that Joe guy mom married wasn't so terrible." "Never met him." "I only knew he was a communist." "Pleasure number one:" "when you want to take a dump, and you can't, then finally, you do!" "Right?" "I don't think he was a rat." "You talk as if you didn't know him." "You lived togetherfor what, fifteen years?" "I never took him seriously." "He lived according to strict rules, he had an army slogan for everything." "Pleasure number two:" "when you've been wearing tight shoes all day and finally, you get them off." "He was that simple." ""A machine gun will always deliver."" "When you're dead, you're dead." ""To think is to know shit."" "He seemed to come out of a communist novel." "The son of a miner and a maid who became a village vip." "A career in the Army, holidays in Bulgaria... that petty, screwed Bolshevik life that he subconsciously tried to force on everyone else." "Half his relatives had cushy jobs in Government, or at the President's office." "I know." "Sometimes, I feel sorry I treated him so badly." "Mom was difficult to live with." "She kept telling him that he was "primitive"... which he was but why humiliate him so systematically?" "One sausage, five buns." "Suck it with the last." "Not in front of the kid, please." "I can't believe this!" "Nothing beats lollypops." "Ain't that right, comrade supervisor?" "And what's better than a lollypop?" "A nipple!" "Do you realize how primitive you are?" "Are you aware they're all laughing and expect me to laugh along, when you're being "funny"?" "Except you embarrass me." "You think you're a comedian?" "Don't you see they're laughing at you?" "What kind of a man are you?" "Spare me the explanation," "I've heard it a million times!" "I'm not surprised he finally ran away." "He wasn't really mad at her, he just couldn't take it anymore." "Maybe he was a swine." "I don't know." "I hardly knew him." "I wasn't mad at your mother either." "She just wanted to have a good life." "Since life under the Bolsheviks could be tough for a factory owner's son, she opted for red and married a Communist." "She was quite blunt about it:" ""l won't go against the tide."" "Ah, well..." "That was ages ago." "Yes, it was." "We should wait." "You wait if you want to, but why should I?" "Wait, wait, wait!" "That's no way to live." "What's wrong with what you have?" "What's wrong?" "Everything!" "People don't speak out, or they stick to nature and history." "No politics." "What would Masaryk have said?" "The TV is on only when Hunchback of Notre-Dame is playing." "Nobody tells jokes anymore." "Not even the most basic ones." "Nobody waters the plants." "Everything is dry to the bone." "The other day, you thought the house was too damp." "Did you evertell a joke?" "Tell me one." "Even if it's short, or stupid." "You won't." "Any ant interests you more than I do." "I can't stand it." "What are you doing here?" "You should be asleep." "I can't sleep." "You'll catch cold." "Go back to bed." "Hurry up!" "Mom will come and tuck you in." "What happened to Joe?" "Is he still alive?" "You want the remote?" "Not really." "Did you hear that?" "Someone called my name." "I'll take a look outside." "Who'd be calling you?" "When Mita came this morning, the doorbell was working." "So, whoever's calling would ring the bell." "I can't help it." "Someone's calling me." "I just heard it." ""Joseph"..." "Why would anyone call you?" "Just stay put." "You really don't hear it?" ""Joseph!"" "Again... "Joseph!"" "I'm going to take a look." "Joseph!" "What did he die of?" "His pump busted." "Watch your language!" "Meaning what?" "His heart stopped." "Nice way to die." "Indeed." "Uncle Freddy died the same way, didn't he?" "Your mom's brother." "Nice guy." "He was my favorite in the whole family." "Wheneverwe went to visit, he told everyone we were going fishing." "Then he and I hit the town, stopped at several of his friends' and got drunk." "Just before dawn, we would head forthe hills... even if it rained." "Along the way, he would tell me which women he'd screwed, and how." "Are you serious?" "That can't be true." "Ivan, I hope I'm not boring you." "Not at all!" "Even if I did," "I'd have to tell you." "You're the only one I can tell." "How do you do it?" "I mean, look at you!" "I set myself a goal." "It has to be challenging." "For instance..." "Majka told me young Skivarova has six nipples." "Two regular ones and four smaller ones, just below." "She saw her nude." "Wait, I thought she was in junior high." "She's a senior in high school." "So, I borrowed a row boat." "And you know what?" "Her tits were normal." "It pissed me off, the way people lie." "Because when I touched them, with all due respect," "I realized they were magnificent." "Just like her mother's." "Jesus Christ!" "How do you do it?" "It's a matter of radar." "At least, I have that." "I hope." "Yeah, but where?" "Here." "Here's where you need to have radar." "I always ask myself: is it safe?" "Does it make sense?" "Then this warmth overtakes me and I know nothing can stop me." "Maybe it's your ulcers acting up." "Not at all." "I enjoy life." "Once, we were in somebody's place with a bunch of drunks." "And there was this beautiful woman who had been married for a week." "Her husband was there, and several of her relatives." "Ivan..." "Keep them busy for at least half an hour." "Look at him!" "I show you how cookee real Chinesee meal?" "Sure!" "Show us!" "But you eatee, yes?" "Start cooking!" "We'll eat anything!" "Even tuna!" "Where was Uncle?" "I was afraid they would notice he had left with the bride." "But they were having a ball." "Ivan!" "It was close." "It was." "And I want to thank you." "My pleasure." "It was fun." "We were in the living room while you were carrying on." "The girl was terrified someone might barge in." "You are one horny puppy!" "No, I'm not." "You took one hell of a risk." "Of course." "She was so nervous she started doing things no normal woman would dare think of." "My friend, it was the best lay I ever had." "How so?" "I'm afraid to tell you." "Come on, tell me." "She gripped me so tight" "I had bruises redder than a sausage!" "It was that intense." "Wish I could screw her again!" "Don't even think about it." "How come you were so quiet?" "We weren't." "But you guys were so loud!" "I could neverfigure out how he did it." "He'd been balding since his teens, he had a busted nose, yet women couldn't get enough of him." "He must have screwed every women in town." "Too bad he's gone." "Is it true he died fishing?" "Yes." "He went fishing, never came back." "His heart." "Instead of going to the hospital, he went looking for eels." "My turn now to ask you something." "How did you meet my dad?" "He carried me on his back all the way down the Eiffel tower and never paused for breath." "Didn't you bump into people?" " The stairs are so narrow." " People moved over." "How lovely." "I have no more questions." "Why did you go up the Tower?" "That, I don't remember." "A chiffchaff." "Very good!" "You see, I had always been sure there was nothing after death." "That the energy that is within a person just leaves and goes off to serve elsewhere." "But lately, I have been having some doubts." "I am beginning to feel there might be something more." "I sometimes shiver at the thought that nothingness is all there is." "Right." "I am getting senile, aren't I?" "I have seen things I can't explain without assuming there's something on the other side." "Which would be?" "Who knows?" "Maybe some kind of relay station sending a few signals before it drifts away for good." "Go on, I'm interested." "The day grandpa died, I woke up with a very strange feeling." "I am awake, lying there..." "and I can't move." "As if I've been caught in an avalanche." "Johnny," "I have something to tell you..." "This morning..." "Then she burst into tears and ran into the bathroom." "To this day, I don't know what she saw." "I didn't even know that an ambulance... had taken grandpa away." "He always talked about you." "Every day." "All those years." "Who knows?" "Maybe just before he went, he was thinking of you." "You liked each other." "He and I never saw eye to eye." "I know." "I loathed the way he thought money always wins." "It is gorgeous, Ivan!" "Show me." "I suppose it is." "Bravo!" "But I hope you don't think you're a better swimmerthan your mom." "You won." "Once." "What does that mean?" "Nothing." "You can't measure up to your mom." "She was trained by a pro." "Fatherwas convinced that was the only way to learn how to swim." ""Learning doesn't come free."" "He was a capitalist." "Typical!" "If I wanted a toy, he'd brush me off." "Yet he owned a toy factory." "I had this tin sailor that kept saluting." "I couldn't stand it." "I wanted a real rifle, but he turned me down." "So I made one out of wood." "And every time I aimed at an adult," "I would fart loudly." "I, on the other hand, had lots of toys." "Yes, you did." "Because of my father, I decided... money had no importance whatsoever." "And if I ever got any, I would spend it all and so be it." "Come on!" "You never saved any either, so spare me!" "What about your otherthing?" "What otherthing?" "Your afterlife thing." "A neighbor once caught fire and rammed through the wall into my kitchen." "You already told me about it, but I didn't believe you." "You were on drugs at the time, weren't you?" "Why can't you take it the way I tell it?" "Because I know you." "If you don't believe me, I'll shut up." "I believe you." "But my legs hurt and I am dying for a beer." "Actually, dreams and reality... interwine far more than one would wan" "How old is he?" "Twenty-five." "God, he's a big boy!" "Come lie down, it'll be good for your back." "You want us to lie next to each other, is that it?" "Exactly." "And look out the window together." " Right." " The two of us." "Right again." "What are you doing?" "That's terrible!" "It itches." "What is it?" "It's itching." "It's a pimple." "It's not a pimple!" " It is." " It's not, I've had it for 3 years." "I'll make coffee." "I screwed up, didn't I?" "No, I'm just confused." "You two look so alike." "I'm a little perplexed." "About what?" "This." "Everything." "There's a 20-year difference." "I know." "Hey..." "What's the name of your band?" "The Fucked-up Universe." "Really?" "Of course, I shouldn't tell you what to do, but try to learn from other people's mistakes." "You can't call anything a mistake until you've made it." "I suppose so." "The truth is, I've always acted as if someone was looking over my shoulder." "As if I were writing a sitcom about myself, so stupid that even retirees in a nursing home could get it." "So somehow I feel..." "I kind of screwed up my life." "Doesn't everybody?" "Of course, but one should at least try not to." "Tell me again." "I'm not sure I understood." "Could you run it past me once more?" "I asked him to lend me 300,000 crowns." "For that Prague apartment which, as I said, I could move into." "Where would he get 300,000?" "That's what he said." "And we both laughed." "I don't want you to think I came just forthe money." "Now it's clear." "I understand." "So we both laughed..." "And I said:" ""l have this joint..." So we took a few hits and we went for a walk." "You went for a walk." "And dad said:" ""Come with me to the bank," "I'll show you my account, so you can see I'm not stashing any money there."" "I said that was nonsense, we didn't have to, but he insisted." "The clerk said:" ""You have over 300,000 crowns in your account."" "That's the money we've been waiting forfour years." "I'm really sorry." "I went back the following day, to return the money." "I'd realized I couldn't repay him." "But he didn't want it back." "For the first time, he said, things made sense." "Made sense..." "Did I mess things up?" "I don't care about the money." "Is it true?" "Did that really happen?" "It did." "Last week." "When I was your age, the whole world was at my feet." "Sure." "By the way, if I rememberwell, you were a rather handsome young man." "Although that didn't help, considering the women you've lived with." "That's because deep inside, I was in chaos." "Now my face sags like a monkey's ass, but I'm comfortable inside, even happy sometimes." "Happy?" "Because of what?" "Why?" "No reason." "That's just the way it is." "As you said, I'm no longer 20 or 30." "I don't need to comprehend the inexplicable mess of my love life." "Right now, are you happy?" "Now?" "Right this minute?" "Not really." " See?" " That was a joke." "I always wanted a Japanese woman." "What do you mean, "wanted"?" "A Japanese woman... really tiny... bow-legged, and with a cute little behind." "Didn't happen." "Probably was not in the cards." "You mean to... to..." "What?" "You had a Chinese girl once and, no offense, I'd never have wanted her!" "She was just a friend, wasn't she?" "No, just a chance meeting." "I can't imagine how one meets a Chinese girl "by chance"." "What chance?" "I hate the way you keep making things up." "Why do you do that?" "I didn't make it up!" "Your problem is, to you, I'm still a kid." "Vampire." "What?" "A bat." "I should go." "I really should." "Sit." "Where would you go?" "You have work to do." "I do." "It's true." "So, I'm going." "Thanks." "For what?" "It's been a very pleasant day." "It has, hasn't it?" "Where will you go?" "Home." "Home where?" "To Slovakia?" "Now?" "On your motorcycle?" "That's okay." "I'm used to it." "Don't go." "You can sleep here." "Right!" "I'm off." "I'll play Armageddonfor you." "I've seen it 15 times." "Do you have everything?" "I think I do." "Have a good time." "This is not the last time we meet, is it?" "No way!" "In fact, I'd call it our very first time." "I'll miss your 124 l.Q." "Don't fool yourself." "124 means I'm a total ass." "No, you're not." "The test rated you a "World Warrior"." "F4U-5." "Corsair." "The most beautiful plane ever." "Dad swore he'd never put one together." "He didn't." "He got it from his dad for his birthday." "Long ago." "Beautiful." "Four guns." "Do you realize..." "The situation we're in?" "Do I?" "Of course, I do." "I'm not a total bastard, you know." "I kind of regret what happened." "Do I want to undo it?" "I don't." "Do I want to do it again?" "You should know better." "No, I shouldn't." "At least not now." "Then, I should know better." "No, you shouldn't." "At least not now." "Come here." "I feel like crying." "Then do." "I'll cry, too." "You can't." "You have your Fucked-up Universe to deal with." "You can't lose face." "Only I can cry." "Be quiet!" "No more cookies!" "Why are you doing this to me?" "The worst thing about women, and perhaps also the best, is that... they are jealous of everything." "Even an eclipse, they'll take personally." "Orjust rain." "Whatever." "I just wanted to ask you..." "Have you any idea why you are here?" "You tell me!" "You made me." "Forgive me, but these things happen!" "I meant, why would you spend your whole life in Prague?" "Anywhere else would be worse." "Prague is the only place to be." "Why, have you lived anywhere else?" "Two weeks anywhere else and the emptiness would drive me nuts!" "The blinkered vision that rules these people's lives." "If you're a shoemaker, you stay a shoemaker until you die." "What's wrong with that?" "It's boring!" "To take on a role and stick to it till it all falls apart." "I see." "Whereas here...?" "Here, life reels off like a farce." "Or some Italian porno movie." "Heydrich's assassination done by kids with puppets." "And you like that?" "A lot." "What do you like about it?" "The size of the stage, the small space." "The way a criminal and a cabinet minister can be so close." "Be on a first-name basis with each other." "Or play cards and have a beer with the president." "Why couldn't I have stayed with you?" "What do you mean?" "Never mind." "Come on!" "What are you talking about?" "Nothing." "Forget it." "Johnny dear..." "If we were to move, who would you rather stay with?" "Dad or mom?" "Mom." "I was really upset." "I wanted to have you." "How could a 5-year-old upset you?" "Christ, I was young and stupid." "Besides, everything you knew, I had taught you." "You think I don't have a beef with you?" "Asking that of a kid that age?" "Even at the time," "I thought it was a bad idea." "It was your mother's idea." "And I still hold it against her." "Why?" "That's the way she was." "Don't tell me how she was!" "I know it betterthan you do." "Why did you choose her?" "That day, for the first time, you beat me." "I beat you?" "Absolutely." "You were putting together a Sabre." "My God, it's all coming back to me!" "It was an F-86 sent by your uncle in Canada and you wanted me to stick Polish emblems on it, which didn't make sense!" "The Sabre neverflew in Poland." "Maybe, but I wanted them there." "That's it?" "I carried that feeling of injustice throughout the day." "I was such a spoiled brat." "And later I bit yourfinger during a game." "Right!" "You bit me and I started bleeding." "I was taken aback, which is why I beat you." "I'm sorry about that." "That's why I said I wanted to stay with mom." "I see." "I wanted to hurt you back." "I didn't know you two were not playing a game." "It was some kind of a game." "I wanted to save you from living with that Bolshevik." "Somehow, you survive." "You chose her just to punish me forthose Polish emblems?" "A jay." "What the hell..." "It is a jay!" "How could you see it?" "Do you think I could meet him some day?" "It's up to him." "Why wouldn't he want to see me?" "Why do you want to see him?" "Damn it!" "He's my grandson, isn't he?" "Even if I just found out!" "What if I took you for a ride?" "You're a cynic." "I'm not a cynic..." "I'm just being practical." "According to the book dad lent me, one should never make oneself suffer more than is absolutely necessary." "What kind of bike do you have?" "A perfectly tuned-up Italian spitfire." "I've only had it for a week." "Would you come?" "I'm such an idiot." "I should have bought that place in Prague." "I really wanted to, but that beauty was so cheap I couldn't resist." "I am an idiot." "I came to tell dad that this fall," "I'll sell the bike and buy the place." "That's one reason." "It's all fixed." "Till then, I'll just enjoy it." "And I'm sure you do." "You really think so?" "Now go." "Give me two minutes, I'll be right down." "And wait for me." "You will, won't you?" "I will wait for you." "Yeah?" "How long?" "Three years." "Why only three?" "I want to go to Iceland." "To make some money and pay dad back." "You could come with me." "Go." " I'll be waiting." " Go!" "You'll come, won't you?" "Can you tell what this bush is?" "I taught you how to figure it out." "You can tell by looking at the leaves." "What?" "By just looking at the leaves!" "Tell what?" "What the bush is we are pissing on!" "Napping Pamba Dozing Alvezura" "Sleeping AIhambra Dream d'Estramadura" "It's a frangula, also known as dog's berry." "You mean, this?" "It belongs to the Alnus genus." "Its bark is used as a laxative." "And laxative is very important." "For instance, to me, senna beans are the most important thing in the world." "You have no idea how happy you feel when you totally empty yourself." "That's what mom used to say when I was on the potty." "What?" ""Don't rush it, Johnny." "Empty yourself totally."" "Which I finally did recently." "I emptied myself bottom to top." "You're talking about your soul again!" "Not really." "What else, then?" "Just how difficult it is to understand, to think..." "To think..." "Neurons are not everlasting." "Take three beers in a row and watch the extent of the damage." "The nervous system is a shoddy piece of work." ""To think"!" "You call that thinking?" "All you want to do is rehash things." "And that's all I've been doing." "I've been rehashing so long that I feel in my bones..." "I'm slowly but surely turning into a stupid boring prick." "I would not say you are boring." "I would say you might be way too serious." "Serious?" "Me?" "As far as I can remember, I never heard you tell a joke." "I don't like jokes." "What I would like, and truly wish, is for you to reach some degree of happiness." "I'm fine." "I hope you really are." "The problem is... you were incapable of loving anyone." "Johnny..." "He fell asleep!" "Hey, where are we?" "Chittusi." "I know who Chittussi was." "But where are we?" "Chittussi Street." "Just off the boulevard." "Goddam it, I know Chuttussi Street." "But in which city?" "In Prague." "Jesus!" "In Prague!" "We are in Prague." "You can tell I am old, I keep forgetting it." "Chittussi..." "You see what I mean?" "And I didn't get that Japanese girl." "It wasn't in the cards." "I guess that's the way they were dealt." "It doesn't matter." "Shall we move on?" "Yes, let's move on." "You're not mad at me, are you?" "Are you a little happy, at least?" "You know I'd like you to be, at least a little." "Yeah." "Yeah, what?" "Yes, I'm happy!" "Some temper you have!" "Guess who you got it from." "Is there anything you need?" "Or want?" "No..." "I'm perfectly fine." "6, Soleho Street." "You know where that is?" "Don't ask me why I'm sitting here, or what I'm after." "Everything you all say is rubbish." "Rubbish, rubbish." "That's all it ever is." "Go screw yourself." "Can you name the tree you're sitting on?" "No." "Can you?" "No." "See?" "Just get lost." "Fuck off!" "Beer?" "Coffee." "Coming right up." "What was that?" "Can't you guess?" "Dracula?" "Kurupeer." "Hi there!" "Sorry, I'm just checking in." "I'm on my way." "Where to?" "Home." "That's what I'm calling about." "Start making coffee, I won't be long." "I don't want you to come." "What?" "I've waited too long." "For what?" "For you to be on time just once." "Where am I to go now?" "Sorry, but..." "Is someone else there?" "No." "Could you at least tell me... where I'm supposed to go?" "Wherever you want." "Be reasonable." "For once, be reasonable." "Can you tell me one thing?" "Do I know him?" "I don't think so." "And don't call me." "At least not tonight." "Where were you?" "Still want your coffee?" "With what?" "Rum." "That's more like it!" "Shall we go?" "What's up?" "Meaning what?" "Meaning, I'm trying to have a conversation." "I got that, but what do you really want to hear?" "How you're doing, what's new..." "We're people, aren't we?" "Unfortunately, we are." "But why do you always ask such dumb questions?" "Because I'm trying to communicate." "What do you want to know exactly?" "How I am or what's new?" "What's new." "For God's sake, there hasn't been anything new forthe last two billion years." "Everything is just a varying combination of carbon, hydrogen, oxygen, and nitrogen." "Translation:" "Milena Jelinek  Henri Behar"