"It's alive!" "And despite his elfin size, Hermey had bigger dreams." "I want to be a dentist!" "You moron!" "You know nothing about dentistry!" "I want to be a baker." "Yecch!" "You idiot!" "This doughnut's filled with tinsel!" "You know nothing about baking." "I" " I-I want to be a millionaire." "I'd have to say..." ""'D.' nutcracker. "" "Final answer." "A woman's reproductive organ is a nutcracker?" "!" "You know nothing about genitalia!" "C- can I please come back, Santa?" "This is all I know." "You're always welcome here, Hermey." "The point being, you are more than welcome to pursue outside interests." "The choice is yours." "♪ Do-do-do-do ♪" "♪ I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus ♪" "I knew it!" "That fucking whore!" "Where is he?" "!" "Where's that motherfucker Santa Claus?" "What the hell, man?" "He's not real." "Do you know how long it takes to carve an ice door?" "Ohh!" "Aaaah!" "Ohh!" "Oh, my brothers!" "Now... where's Santa Claus?" "Oh, no!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Okay, okay, okay!" "He's... he's, uh, delivering gifts, you know." "That's what he does." "So he's not gonna be back for quite some time." "Oh, no, wait." "H- he just walked in." "Where have you been?" "I know." "Know what?" "Suzy saw you kissing Santa Claus!" "That's just a song, silly." "Oh!" "That makes sense." "Man, I got to start listening to more music." "I am fucking the neighbor, though." "Mike?" "How's he doing?" "Joseph, why couldn't you get us a room?" "There weren't any rooms left, Mary." "Oh, my vagina's about to splat out an entire human being, and they couldn't find me a bed?" "!" "It's okay, honey." "This will be fine." "Ohh!" "Ew!" "Oh, Joseph!" "Uhh!" "Oh, god!" "Whew!" "No more falafel for you." "Sorry." "Aaaah!" "Okay, okay, now push." "Push." "Okay, that was good, honey." "You're doing great." "I'll go get you some water." "Joseph!" "Ew!" "Oh!" "Oh, here it comes!" "Aaaaah!" "Aaaaaaah!" "Okay, baby, keep breathing." "This is it, now!" "Oh, honey, that's it!" "I can see it!" "I can see the head!" "Now push!" "Aaah!" "Our baby!" "Little Jesus... he's so beautiful." "Hello?" "Is everything okay?" "I heard yelling." "Oh, it's very dark in here." "No-o-o-o-o!" "That must be the sign we're looking for!" "The lord Jesus Christ is born!" "Wow!" "Awesome!" "Go, dad!" "Oh, my goodness, dear!" "Oh, my god!" "Oh, my god!" "Oh, my god!" "Oh-ho!" "Oh, no!" "Aaaaah!" "I'm on fire!" "And that's why I converted to Judaism." "Uh, dad, that's a great story, but I think you forgot to blow out the menorah." "Damn it!" "Blam!" "My studies!" "Oh!" "These are brand-new." "Slam!" "Ha!" "That's for... uh..." "Ah, nerd!" "Whoa..." "Oomph!" "My goodness!" "I've fallen into a strange and magical land." "Well, you're no Excalibur, but then again, I'm no King Arthur." "Hello, there, stranger." "I'm Mr...." "Aah!" "M- m-m-monster!" "Monster!" "Monster, die!" "Wow..." "I killed that creature." "I'm a hero!" "Good job, Excalibur II!" "But I'm freezing." "I, the White Witch, have sensed a new..." "Holy shit!" "My queen!" "Oh, uh... care to come to my castle and enjoy some Turkish delight?" "Oh, boy!" "My first sexual experience without a computer!" "Turkish delight is a candy." "Oh, boy!" "Candy!" "And now, my champion, we will defeat my enemy, the talking lion!" "What?" "!" "A talking lion?" "Pbht!" "You mean there's no dragons or balrogs or ringwraiths?" "No, just a talking lion..." "Who's an allegory for Jesus." "Well, I don't know." "Even a talking lion is pretty scary, and I'm not all that..." "Your wish is my command." "Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!" "This is the best larp ever!" "Later, I'll show you how to cross swords!" "And now, young children, may these guide you through your journeys." "Why is Santa Claus giving us lethal weapons?" "There he is, children!" "Kill him!" "Whee!" "Eat your heart out, "Worlds of Warcraft"!" "This is why kids should read good Christian fantasy instead of "Harry Potter. "" "You see that play with Daniel Radcliffe's penis?" "What kind of question is that to ask the Jesus-allegory lion?" "But, yes." "Whoo-hoo!" "Hoo-hoo!" "300 experience points for me!" "Great job, Excalibur III!" "I'm bored." "Where'd I leave that nerd?" "Oh, thank you, sir." "It's very tight in there." "Oh, not that nerd!" "What the..." "Yeah!" "Hoo-hoo!" "You're both in big trouble!" "It was worth it, my queen." "I hope you know that this will go down on your permanent records!" "You can't tell my parents." "Do you even go to this school?" "!" "Do you?" "Whoo!" "I love office Christmas parties!" "Oh, Dave is a riot at these things!" "But I'm Dave." "Then who's..." "Dude, we are falling way behind." "Let's get out of here." "Aaaah!" "Oomph!" "Oh, no!" "We're late for Christmas play rehearsal." "Don't worry." "Charlie Brown's in charge." "We can just ignore him and dance repetitively." "I love dancing repetitively." "Linus!" "You're awake!" "Uh... why am I tied up?" "Because you're going to write me the love letter" "I always wanted!" "Love letter?" "I need to go to a hospital." "I always wanted to be a nurse." "They have such pretty white shoes." "Things look bad for ol' Linus." "Snoopy, have you seen Linus?" "He was supposed to walk me to chemo." "Can you help me find him?" "Good grief." "I made snowflake soup!" "I know how much you like catching snowflakes on your tongue!" "So, basically, you made me a bowl of hot water?" "Aaah!" "Val Kilmer?" "Hey!" "You're my brother's dog!" "I should've known you'd figure it out." "You're always so Snoopy!" "Oh, hey!" "Snoopy... that's your name!" "It all makes sense now!" "Aah!" "Oh, my god!" "She just murdered Val Kilmer!" "Where's my love letter, sweet baboo?" "This isn't a love letter." "It's a cry for help." "Did you think I'd let you mail it?" "!" "But, Sally, it's Christmas." "You're right." "I almost forgot." "Does this tree look sturdy enough?" "Uh... f-for what?" "Ah!" "Sch-u-u-u-ultz!" "It... it's done." "Really?" "!" "Can I read it?" ""Dear Sally, see the words on this page?" "Please keep your eyes on them so you don't notice the thing I'm about to do. "" "Wow, I'm hook..." "Shh." "Shh." "It's almost over." "Shh." "Linus, thank goodness!" "I've looked everywhere for you." "I was in your house, you blockhead!" "Good grief..." "I can't do anything right." "Even my sister's a psycho." "I never thought she was that bad." "She wasn't that bad at all, really." "Maybe she just needed a little love." "By the way, Val Kilmer's dead."