"Sienna, please stop talking to me." "I'm not having this conversa..." "Because it's really none of your business." "It's not about you." "He wasn't supposed to tell anyone." "Because it's a private matter." "No, I don't really care who your uncle is." "Yeah, my phone..." "My phone is dying." "Listen, what exactly did Kyle tell you?" "Jesus." "What the fuck?" "Sienna, because it's none of your..." "I have to go." "My phone is out of juice." "Would you just shut up?" "I want you to hear me." "You have no fucking idea what..." "I'm glad you came." " I sent you an email." " I know." "Thanks." "But I'm just glad that you're here." " Do you have an iPhone charger?" " No." " You don't have an iPhone?" " No." " Do you have a blackberry?" " Not anymore." "I used to." "How do you organize your life?" "I've got a datebook on my desk." "Kicking it old school." " How was your week?" " I bet you still have a landline.{\I bet you're one of those people who still has a landline.}" " Actually I do." " Great." "Can I use it?" "Now?" "Just for a minute." "Would you like to wait till the session is over?" "Okay, that's fine." "Are you feeling okay?" "I'm fine." "This..." "This happens when I get angry." "Tremors run in our family." "It's genetic." "You must be really angry." "I guess so." "I actually like when this happens." "It's this weird out-of-body experience." "You know what'd help, I bet?" " What?" " Using your phone." "Would you like to tell me what's going on?" "Why your hand is shaking?" "Why you're so angry?" "Why don't you tell me why I can't just make a call?" "Well, you can, but I just don't think that it's the best use of our time together." "You're sure it can't wait till the end of the session?" "Fuck her." "Fuck who?" "Sienna Newhouse," "Kyle's new girlfriend." "Do you know she has a publicist?" "I'm not quite sure who she is." "Yeah, I guess you don't really follow that world." "I don't really follow that world either, except now apparently I'm stuck in it, mired in its peripheral muck." "Thank you for that, Kyle." "I remember last week that you mentioned she was wealthy." "She's filthy fucking rich." "I told Kyle I had cancer and you know what she does?" "She offers to pay for my treatment." "We're at a school, you stupid cunt." "We have insurance." "If you ever actually went to class, you might know that." "I mean, I told Kyle not to tell anyone and he told herdeliberately so that he wouldn't have to deal with me." "I hate them both." "I don't get this." "How does telling Sienna ensure that Kyle doesn't have anything to do with you?" "I told him not to tell her." "So he... betrayed your trust." "No, it's more than that." "Look, Kyle knows me, he knows what I can and can't tolerate." "He knows that if he tells his girlfriend I have cancer and if she calls me, I will hang up on her and never speak to either of them again, which is what he did, and what she did, and what I did." "So that's who you were talking to when you arrived?" "And did you hang up on her?" "No, the phone died, which is why I have to call her back so I can hang up on her." "Could I just use your phone?" "Please, it'll take two minutes." "I can't concentrate at all." "She can't get the last word, Paul." "I can't die and she gets to go on and live the perfect life with the only person I've ever loved." "Thank you." "Could I have a moment?" "Wow, he's keeping you busy." "Listen." "What did he tell you?" "Because we're not..." "Sienna, I am not..." "So..." "What did you say to her?" "I don't know." "I told her my life was none of her fucking business." "That made you feel better?" "Did..." "Did you talk to Kyle as well?" "I'll call him later." "You said that he was the only person that you had ever loved." "Can I ask you how it feels to see him with somebody else?" "I've never actually seen them together." "No?" "I didn't even know she existed until recently." "I mean, I knew she existed..." "everyone knows she exists." "Her father donated the money for the new library." "She wears all these ridiculous scarves in these absurd configurations." "You shouldn't wear scarves like that unless you're French." "Why not?" "I don't know." "I just think they look stupid on American girls." "Including Sienna?" "No, not including Sienna." "You said you told Kyle about your cancer." "I did." "It was... pretty funny the way it all went down." "I could use a laugh." "You want to tell me?" "We hadn't spoken since we broke up, because we're, like... radioactive together." "But a few months had gone by," "I thought maybe we were ready." "I knew he was seeing someone else." "I thought maybe we could have dinner, catch up." "He always makes me feel..." "I don't know." "He's older." "He knows how to... take care of things, how to keep everything under control." "I sent him an email." "I said I was having trouble with one of my models... which I was." "He came right over." "He could see immediately that I was tired." "He made me risotto and he brought wine." "And I remember thinking," ""This is nice." "We can be friends." ""We are friends."" "As he was leaving, he kissed me." "And I remember feeling confused, but..." "It was like it took a little while for my brain to catch up with what my body was doing, where my hands were going." "And I heard this sound, like a moan," "and I thought, "Who made that sound?"" "And then I realized it was me." "While it was happening," "I started to cry, and then he started to cry." "I'd never seen him cry before." "When it was over I said," ""I have something to tell you."" "He said, "I have something to tell you."" "And I said, "You go first", and..." "So he said," ""I'm engaged."" "And then I said, "I have cancer."" "That's so painful." "It's him." "It's Kyle." " I'm going to ignore this, okay?" " That's fine." " I'm sorry." " For what?" "He must've gotten your number from the ice queen's phone." "She must've told him what happened." "How do you feel about that?" "I expected her to tell him and..." "I'm glad that he called." "Do you think that might be part of the reason that you were so anxious to call her?" "Because you wanted her to convey your anger to him?" "I don't need to go through her to get to him, clearly." "Have you seen Kyle since that night?" "No, I kicked him out and told him I never wanted to see him again." "Because..." "Because he told you he was engaged?" "Because he was mean to me." "After I told him I had cancer, he got really anxious, and asked me what my plan was." "I told him I didn't have a plan and he got angry and accused me of not taking care of myself." "He got angry?" "His dad... was physically abusive to his mom, and she wouldn't defend herself, so..." "So when kyle sees women not taking care of themselves, he goes apeshit." " April, do you think..." " {\And }I know what you're gonna say next." ""Gee, April, do you think you tried to provoke Kyle with your apathy in order to get a reaction and see how much he cares about you and the answer is no," "I really didn't expect to tell him." "It just..." "It slipped out." "Do you know what I'm going to say next?" "I'm sorry." "Actually, I think it's great that you see things from my point of view." "Really?" "It's really helpful." "Yeah, right." "Do you find it hard to let yourself be taken care of?" "It feels to me like you not only want to do your own work here, but you want to do mine as well." "That way you believe you can get through this without... without me." "You know, when... when you mentioned Kyle here first," "I was a little worried about him." " You sound like my father." " Yes, I guess I do react in that way." "You said {\that }he was older, that he had a rich girlfriend yet he slept with you." "You can't blame him for that." "I'm telling you, we have this thing..." "I'm not blaming him." "Actually, over the session, I think I'm beginning to understand" " his behavior." " Why?" "Because I think I know how he feels." "You described the way he responded to your revelation... to your cancer, as being mean, but... it seems to me that he was behaving appropriately anxiously." "{\You know, }In the last session that we had you told me that you had cancer, and as soon as you did that you started to push me away." "And I knew that the more times I called you this week, the less likely I was to see you again." "You called me like 10 times this week." "You must've never wanted to see me again." "In the meantime, you told kyle and then you started to push him away." "You vilified his behavior." "But he can't help me anymore." "He doesn't belong to me." "He isn't mine." "So because he's not your partner, he can't help you anymore?" "It's all or nothing with me." "It's just the way I'm built." "He didn't hurt me." "I hurt him." "It wasn't his fault we broke up." "It was mine." "I couldn't take it." "Well, what couldn't you take?" "How much he loved me." "Why?" "I don't know." "It was just too much." "You said that you couldn't rely on Kyle because... he doesn't belong to you." "Is there anyone in your life who does?" "Right now?" "Daniel." "So you and your brother have a deep bond." "Did you tell him about the cancer?" "Daniel has enough to worry about." "Like what?" "Like negotiating the world, Paul." "Have you ever known anyone with autism?" "What's that been like for you?" "No one understands." "It's... every second of every day it is like he is in a foreign country where he doesn't speak the language and where everyone hates him." "He's lucky to have someone who understands him as well as you do." "Yeah, well... he didn't deserve what he got." "Do any of us deserve what we get?" "When Kyle and I were together... it's hard to explain, but it's like I would... just... check out sometimes," "but I wouldn't go far." "I would be watching myself, watching Kyle... brushing our teeth, making coffee." "And I remember thinking," ""This is what it feels like to be Daniel."" "How often would this happen?" "A lot..." "Especially when we were in bed." "Sometimes, we'd be having sex and then suddenly...." "I'd be floating above us, looking down and thinking," ""Oh, they're in love." "That's nice."" "It didn't happen this last time." "I tried to make it happen, but I couldn't." "I think that's when I started to cry." "It sounds like you were what we call dissociating." "It's a defense mechanism." "It feels like you are outside your body, but we do it sometimes to get away from something that we feel is" "frightening." "What was I afraid of?" "That's a very important question." "I slept with his best friend..." "Kyle's." "I don't know why I did it." "The whole time there was this voice in my head saying," ""Don't do this." "April, please." "You're gonna screw everything up." "He won't forgive you."" "I did it anyway and..." "Then I told him." "And I was right..." "He couldn't forgive me." "Everything was really sort of perfect." "I was this perfect girl to him." "Did that feel scary?" "Now I'm... that girl," "the one who's still hung up on her ex." "I hate girls like this." "You don't like to see yourself as... flawed, do you?" "Kyle offered to take me to the hospital to see my oncologist, schedule my treatments, and I almost..." "I almost let him do it, because I..." "I wanted to see him again so badly." "Isn't that horrible?" "What's so horrible about that?" "I stopped myself." "He's been calling every day since we saw each other, like five times a day." "I'm not picking up." "You are gonna need somebody to take you to chemotherapy." "And..." "From what I understand, you feel very tired afterwards." "I've been feeling much better lately." "I give you credit." "April, would you rather die than be weak?" "It is very rare for this disease to go away of its own accord." "Basically, that's unheard of." "Well, I have been feeling better since coming here." "Did you ever have a... when you were a child, did you ever have a worry doll?" " A what?" " A worry doll." "You tell it your troubles and it takes your troubles away." "Maybe..." "Maybe that's what you think you have in me." "You've told me you have cancer and now I'm worried about it." "Now since somebody else is worrying, you don't need to." "And since you don't need to worry, you mustn't have cancer." "I have to tell you:" "talking about this to a psychologist is not gonna make it go away." "You know, I..." "I spoke with this friend of mine who's an oncologist." "You did what?" "Basically, April, he thinks that your delaying chemotherapy is a sentence of death." " You talked to someone else{\ about me}?" " I didn't mention your name." "You had no right to do that." "I came to you in confidence." "It would have been professionally negligent of me to do anything else." "I need to find out whether your behavior might be suicidal." " Suicidal?" "!" " What would you tell me to do, April?" "You've been telling me what to do and say throughout this session." "I cannot let you..." "It is my duty, my professional duty, to protect you, April, from self-harm." "I want you to promise me that won't happen again," "that no matter what I decide to do, you won't talk to anybody else about me outside this room." "I promise." "But you have to promise me something in return." "What?" "That if you decide to stop therapy, you have to call me." "You cannot sever ties unilaterally." "I don't want you to disappear." "I promise." "Thank you."