"The reason I asked you to brunch is because I've been thinking about my maid of honor." "Oh, my God." "This is it." "Oh." "I hope it's you." " I hope it's you." " Me too." "First of all, I love you both so much." " You're both so important to me." " Blah, blah, blah." "Who is it?" "I was thinking we could come up with a system where we trade off being maid of honor." " Hypothetically, if Phoebe were mine..." " Yes!" "Oh." "Hypothetically." "Still." "If Phoebe were mine, Rachel would be Phoebe's, I'd be Rachel's." "We all get to do it and no one gets upset." " That's a pretty good idea." " I'll do that." "So, who's yours?" "Well, that's the best part." "You guys get to decide." " Why is that the best part?" " I don't have to." "Of course we'll help you decide." "We'll do anything we can to help you." "I'd like to make a toast." "To the future Mrs. Chandler Bing my best friend and truly one of the nicest people that..." " Really not deciding." " Fine." "Excuse me, I couldn't help overhearing." " You're marrying Chandler Bing?" " Yeah." "Good luck!" "Oh, and good luck to you too!" "What a nice lady." "The One With Nap Partners" "Yeah!" " Die Hard, still great." " Yep." "Let's make it a double feature?" "What else you rent?" "Die Hard 2." "Joey, this is Die Hard 1 again." "Well, we'll watch it a second time and it's Die Hard 2." " Joey, we just saw it." " And?" "It would be cool to see it again!" " Yeah!" "Die Hard!" " Die Hard!" "Dude, you didn't say Die Hard." "Is everything okay?" "Yeah, I just got plans." "Well, John McClane had plans." "I want to leave before Joey gets all worked up and starts calling everybody "bitch."" "What are you talking about, bitch?" " Hey, Rachel." " Yeah?" "When I get married, will you be my maid of honor?" "Really?" "Oh, my God, Phoebe." "I mean, I'm just..." "Wait a minute." "If I'm your maid of honor, that means that you are Monica's." "Oh." "Well, if that's what you want." "No way, Phoebe." "I want to be Monica's." " Why does it even matter?" " Why does it matter to you?" "Because this one is now." "And it's two of our best friends." "And who knows what you're gonna marry." "What if I marry Ross?" "Or Joey?" "You wouldn't." "Okay, look, Rachel." "I know you really want to do this but I've never been maid of honor to anyone before." "I know you've done it at least twice." " Yeah, but Phoebe..." " Please let me finish." "I guess that was it." "Okay." "Since you've never done it before, you can be Monica's maid of honor." "Oh, thank you so much!" "Yay." "I'm gonna marry someone good." "Oh, I know." "Better than Chandler." " What happened?" " I don't know." "We fell asleep." "That is all." "Yeah." "Yeah?" "Yeah." "All right, well, I'd better go." " I think that would be best." " Yeah." " I'll talk to you later." " Okay." " But not about this." " No, never." "Never!" " Bye." " No touch." "No touch." "Die Hard!" "Opening a topless carwash was a great idea." "We'll definitely have enough money to open our bikini shop." "Now we mince the shallots like this." "Look, honey, the nice people are chopping shallots." "Maybe if they chop enough of them, they can open that bikini shot." "Hey, a weird thing happened at brunch." "This woman overheard that I was marrying you and she wished me good luck." "That's sweet." "No, it was more like a "good luck."" "Well, do you think she meant, "Good luck taming that wild stallion."" "Not judging you, a little gay." "So, what did this woman look like?" "She was, like, 30, dark hair, attractive." "Any chance you were looking into a bright, shiny thing called a mirror?" "Was it someone you dated in college?" "No, I only dated two girls in college both blond, both not attractive." "Let me check this out." " What are you doing?" " Well, let's see." "Okay, is that her?" "Oh, my God, yes!" " Who is she?" " Julie Graff, my camp girlfriend." "Did you break up with her?" "No, we're still together." "We went out for two summers and then I broke up with her." " Why?" " She came back the third summer and she'd gotten really fa..." " Fat?" " I did not say fat." "I said fa..." "You broke up with a girl because she was fat?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "But it was a really long time ago." "Does she still feel bad?" "Apparently she does." "You know what they say:" ""Elephants never forget."" "Seriously, good luck marrying me." "Rach, wanna come with me Friday night?" "I'm gonna check out some male strippers." "For the bachelorette party?" "Yes." "Hey, what's going on?" "She's Monica's maid of honor." "Hope it goes better than the last time you did it for that girl downstairs." "You have been maid of honor before?" "You see?" "This is exactly why you shouldn't lie." "That's it." "I am maid of honor." " No, I am." " How come you are?" "Because I cared enough to lie." "Hey, I could help you decide who should do it." "We could have an audition." "See how you'd handle maid-of-honor-type situations." " What do you mean?" " When I want a job I audition and if I'm the best of the people they see I get the part." "Then they send you a script." "You go to the set." "You rehearse and you have wardrobe fittings." "Then you shoot your part." "And it's great." "But right after that, you're back out on the street looking for work again." "Right back where you started." "So I gotta say, I don't think a career in acting is the right choice for you two." "Joey, the maid of honor thing." "Right." "So, okay, so after this audition, who decides who gets it?" "Oh, me and Ross can be the judges." " It's better than us deciding." " Oh, this is crazy." " Can't we just flip a coin?" " No, coins hate me." "Okay, fine." "You know what?" "We will let Ross and Joey decide." "Hi!" "Ross, sweetie." "Hey there, handsome thing." "Wow, this cologne really is every bit as good as Giorgio." "Hey." "Just brought back your videos." "Hey, Ross." "Look, I think we need to talk about before." "No." "No, we don't." "Yes, we do." "Now, look." "That was the best nap I ever had." "I don't know what you're talking about." "Come on, admit it." "That was the best nap you ever had." "I've had better." "Okay." "When?" "All right!" "All right!" "It was the best nap ever!" "I said it, okay?" "But it's over, Joey!" "I want to do it again." "We can't do it again." " Why not?" " Because it's weird!" "Fine." "You want a drink?" " Sure." "What do you got?" " Warm milk and Excedrin PM." "Chandler." "I just figured out who you are." "Can you figure out what I'm doing?" " You're Louis Posen." " Who?" "He was my best friend in fifth grade." "One day, I asked him to be my boyfriend and he said no." "Do you know why?" "Because you kept talking to him while he was trying to go to the bathroom?" "No, but because he thought I was too fa..." "Every time I think about it, I feel as bad as I did then." "I really think you should apologize to Julie." "Honey, are you kidding?" "That was like 16 years ago." "It would make me feel better if Louis apologized to me." "I'll do it." "But I warn you, this may make me a better person." "And that is not the man you fell in love with." " I can live with that." " Okay." " So how do we find her." " She probably lives in the city." " She was eating in that restaurant." " I'll bet she was." "What is wrong with me?" "Okay, we'll give you hypothetical maid-of-honor situations." "You'll be scored on a scale of one to ten." " One being the highest." " Ten is the highest." " Why is 10 the highest?" " Because it's the highest." "Okay, Rachel, you're up first." "Situation number one:" "You're with Monica." "The wedding is about to start when Monica gets cold feet." "Go!" "I don't want to marry Chandler." " I've got cold feet." " It's gonna be okay." "One man the rest of my life?" "I don't know." "This means I'll never get to sleep with Joey." "Look, Monica getting cold feet is very common." "It's just because of all the anticipation." "And you just have to remember that you love Chandler." "And also, I ran out on a wedding." "You don't get to keep the gifts." "Drawing on your own experience." "Very good." "Yes, very nice, Rachel." "Thank you, judges." " Kiss ass." " Oh." " Okay, Phoebe." " Yes, Your Honor." "We're now in the ceremony." "Monica is about to say, "I do" when her drunk uncle starts yelling." "What do you do?" "Go!" "When Monica was a little girl I remember that..." "Ow!" " Very good!" " Oh." "Yes, excellent." "Perfect score." "She just made a scene in the middle of the ceremony!" "Hey, you want a little taste of Pheebs?" "Ladies, please." "Please." "Okay, the next situation is for Rachel." "The wedding is about to start." "You walk into the back room and you find Monica taking a nap with Ross." "I'll be Monica." "Go!" "No, no, no!" "This situation is not sanctioned!" "Now, we're moving on to the next one." "Okay." "It is time for you to give your maid-of-honor speech." "We haven't even prepared..." " Go!" " Okay, okay, okay." "Webster's Dictionary defines marriage as..." "Okay, no!" "Forget that!" "That sucks!" "Okay, never mind." "Forget it." "I met..." "I met Monica when we were just a couple of 6-year-olds and became friends with Chandler when he was 25 although he seemed like a 6-year-old." "Oh." "Thank you." "Thank you very much." "I've known them separately and together." "To know them as a couple is to know that you are in the presence of love." "So I would like to raise my glass to Monica and Chandler and the beautiful adventure they are about to embark upon together." "I can think of no two people better prepared for the journey." "Wow." " Great speech." " Yeah, it really was." "Oh, thanks." "Okay, Phoebe, I guess you're next." "Although I really don't see the point." "Okay." "I can't believe that Monica and Chandler are getting married." "I remember talking about this day with Rachel while we were showering together, naked." "And she's back in the game!" "Julie." "Hi." "Chandler Bing." "I guess you remember me." "Hello, Skidmark." "It's a nickname." "I'll explain later." "It's pretty clear." "I owe you a long, overdue apology." "I shouldn't have broken up with you because of your weight." "That's why you broke up with me?" "You didn't know that?" "Well, I guess my work here is done." "Can I get you guys something to drink while you tabulate?" "Actually, the final vote has been tallied." " I'll take a cocoa." " Too late." "But first of all, I would like to say you both performed very well, okay?" "You should be proud." "And I'd also like to say, in this competition, there are no losers." "Well, except Rachel." "Damn it!" "Really?" "I won." " What?" " I'm sorry, Rach, it was really close." " Well, then I demand a recount!" " Actually, it wasn't that close." "You know what?" "Your thing was so stupid anyway." "We're gonna flip a coin, all right?" "Heads." "What?" "The coins have finally forgiven me!" "Know what?" "I hope Monica forgives you after you throw her vegetarian-voodoo-goddess-circle-y shower." "Rach, it's gonna be okay." "You guys are the best!" "Boy, I tell you." "That judging stuff took a lot out of me." " Yeah?" " Yeah." "Thinking about maybe going upstairs and taking a little nap on my couch." "Why would I care about that?" "No reason." "I'm just saying that that's where I'll be." "As bad as that went, I actually enjoyed myself." "I think that I'm going to apologize for all the stupid things that I do." "Why don't you just stop doing stupid things?" " Then you wouldn't have to apologize." " I'd love it if I could do both." "All right, I have to ask." "What?" "Will you break up with me if I get fat?" "What?" "You broke up with Julie." "How much weight did she gain?" "A hundred and forty-five pounds." "In one year?" "My God, what did she eat?" "Her family?" "That's not the point." "I know it was a stupid reason to break up with someone, but I was 15." "Yeah, well, that's not the only time this was an issue." "You remember when you spent Thanksgiving with us?" "You called me fat." "Wait a minute." " That was totally different." " How?" "You were not supposed to hear that." "I said that behind your back." "What if I have babies, okay?" "I'm gonna look different." "I'm okay with that, but I'm not sure you are." "You have to realize I don't think of you as a thin, beautiful woman." "This is one of the things that I can apologize for later." "What I mean is, you're Monica." "Okay?" "And I am in love with Monica." "Keep going." "So you can balloon up or you can shrink down and I will still love you." "Even if I were to shrink down to 2 inches tall?" "I'd carry you around in my pocket." "I love you." "Skidmark still got a way with the ladies." "Hi, Pheebs." " Hi." " Hi." "I just want to apologize." "I'm really sorry I was a baby." "That's ridiculous." "Rachel, we were all babies once." "Oh, you mean today." "Yeah." "Yeah, and you know, you deserve to win." "And I was thinking about it." "If you're Monica's maid of honor, I get to be yours." " Oh, yeah." " Yeah." "When Monica and Chandler got engaged, I put some stuff together." " Just in case." " Oh, that's so sweet." "Thanks." "Here is a book of poetry that I know Monica loves." "Oh, God, this is funny." "Look." "Here's a picture from one Halloween where she dressed up as a bride." "She made me carry her train which was weird because I was Wonder Woman." "Oh, and here's a little purse that I found." "I just thought they could hold the rings in there." " Oh." " Something." "And vintage handkerchiefs, you know, because people cry at weddings." "I'm just gonna grab a couple of these." "This stuff is great." "I forgot this was in here." "This was the garter that I was saving for my wedding." "And I wanted it to be Monica's "something borrowed."" "And it's blue." "Rach, I think that you should be Monica's maid of honor." "You do?" " Why?" " Because I think it means more to you." "But, Pheebs, honey, you earned it." "It's fine." "I mean, this is something that you've been thinking about since you were, what, 14?" "No, I was 10." "I just developed early." "Man alive!" " Hey, what's going on?" " Hey!" "We decided Rachel is going to be your maid of honor." "Oh, that's great!" "Oh, wow." "Okay, we really have to start planning." "I have really specific ideas." "We should meet four times a week." "Come to my place, we'll get together before work." "What do you say, 6:30, my place?" "So excited!" "Yeah, okay." "You laugh now." "She's gonna be yours." "Great nap." "It really was." "What the hell are you doing?" "God!" "Excuse me."