"Deck the slopes with babes in tight pants" "Carlton's gonna get some romance" "No, you're not, 'cause you're too ugly" "They'll all be in my room, cute and snugly" "will, is that all you're taking for the entire Christmas vacation?" "No, man." "These just my hair products." "What about your ski clothes?" "carlton... skiing is for white guys named Sven... and O.J. Simpson." "will... you deprived product of the ghetto... skiing is an extremely exhilarating sport." "What is exhilarating about strapping two sticks on your feet... flying down a hill at 90 miles an hour... and slamming into a tree?" "This is L.A., man, if I want to get my head cracked..." "I can star in the next Rodney King video." "Forget it, ashley, I am not getting you a stun gun for Christmas." "I'm not really going to use it on Cousin Bobby..." "I just want to scare him with it." "Look, we haven't seen him since Aunt Janice's wedding." "Maybe we remember him worse than he is." "Yeah, right, and maybe it was Barbie's idea to catch that tan in the microwave." "AII right, since we're all gonna take separate cars to the airport..." "I thought I'd better give you your tickets now." "Here you are." "Thank you." "Baby." "Thank you." "Daddy, these tickets are all wrong." "They look all right to me, sweetheart." "But Daddy, they're... coach." "Better watch it, HiI." "Next thing you know, you'II be riding the... bus." "The real estate agent assured Mr. Banks... that this cabin sleeps 15 people." "well, there are 13 of us and only four beds." "Now, I don't know how you do things in england... but this family ain't that close." "Look, all I know is Lester and I have been saving up for this trip all year." "We are not sleeping on the floor." "Baby, we're on vacation." "Wherever we lie down, we aren't gonna be sleeping." "Lester... how many times I gotta tell you to cut down on that vitamin E?" "I am not a machine." "well, I am." "You gonna let me rock your world?" "Get a grip on yourself, Lester." "Don't encourage him." "Mom !" "Merry Christmas!" "It's so great to see you!" "Merry Christmas!" "Merry Christmas!" "will!" "Hey!" "What is that under your nose?" "I'm sorry." "It's my mustache, Mom." "Yeah, I know, you hate it." "No, no, baby, it looks great." "Everything is great." "Even your Aunt helen's mustache is great." "Wait, hold it. "Everything is great"?" "Mom, you okay?" "Baby, listen, these days I'm seeing life in a whole new, wonderful way." "This cup is not half empty, it's half full." "Is it half full of Scotch?" "Divas!" "Janice!" "Frank!" "How are the newlyweds?" "CouIdn't be...." "She's just got a little stomach bug." "I better go check on her." "well, Frank, how are you?" "It sure is good to see you." "really?" "I thought you said, "Next time I see that white boy, I hope he's under a bus."" "That was just a figure of speech." "Come on, give big sister Vy a hug." "You know, Mom, that was real sweet." "Hey, somebody get an exorcist on the phone." "Look, we didn't come to a ski resort to just stand around and talk." "Now, I'm gonna go upstairs, get into my ski clothes... put on my boots, and go shopping." "well, I better take our bags up to our room." "I got news for you, philip:" "This is your room." "Excuse me?" "There were only four beds left, and Bobby got the Iast one." "But for $10, you can use my sleeping bag." "I'm sure if you call the real estate agent, he'II straighten this whole thing out." "I never guaranteed anyone anything." "That's my motto:" ""Never guarantee anyone anything..." ""and beware of cross-eyed women."" "What do you intend to do about this?" "Look, folks, I'd really like to help you, but everything's rented." "There's not an empty bed in the whole state." "well, I guess those cross-eyed women are doing something right." "Enjoy." "Look, it's Christmas." "We're together, we're healthy, it's beautiful." "Vivian's right." "You only live life once..." "I say go for the gusto!" "Come on, Iet's hit the slopes." "Now, wait a minute, Mom." "I don't know about this whole gusto thing." "You don't even know how to ski." "well, yes, I do." "Robert taught me." "Excuse me... would you Iike to tell me who Robert is?" "Robert Watson." "He's a friend of mine." "What do you mean, friend?" "You mean like, friend... or friend?" "We'II talk about it later, baby." "Right now, the slopes are waiting." "Besides, honey, I want you to see my moves." "Has Robert seen your moves?" "Come on, phil." "We got time to get a good two hours of skiing in before dinner." "well, hold it right there, Jean-CIaude." "I hope you're planning to take some skiing lessons." "I don't need lessons." "I know how to ski." "Just keep him comfortable." "Forget comfortable." "He's lucky I'm keeping him at all." "Ever scare me like that again...." "Daddy." "When you were rolling down that big hill... you looked just like Gumby." "Yeah, uncle Les." "And you sounded like Patti labelle." "Aunt Janice, you don't look like you feel too well." "Maybe you should go shopping." "What's the matter, honey?" "You're not pregnant, are you?" "It's a possibility." "Oh, Janice, that's wonderful!" "Oh, baby that's great." "I couldn't be happier." "You couldn't?" "well, listen now, when the love between two people is strong enough... well, that love will conquer all." "This Robert must have a magic wand." "This is going to be a great Christmas." "Aunt Vy is in love." "Yes, child." "Janice is going to have a baby." "Keep your voice down." "Frank doesn't know yet." "I'm not even sure." "well, get a home pregnancy test." "AII you do is fill the little tube with... well, you know." "If it turns blue you're pregnant, if it doesn't you're not." "Oh, grow up." "Here we are in the lovely state of Utah." "Don't ask me why." "The only black people I've seen been in the Ray charles Pepsi commercial." "You're kidding." "Every time I turn around, I see a black person." "So, so, so... did you whiz in the tube?" "Oh, it's upstairs." "I'm afraid to look at it by myself." "I want all of you guys to share this with me." "Come on, girl." "This is a pregnancy test, not an order of nachos." "Can I have everyone's attention, please?" "In honor of this rare and special occasion..." "I've compiled a special holiday medley." "And it goes a little something like this." "Hey, y'aII, how about some real music?" "Let's see what's on the radio." "philip and I used to tear up the dance floor on this song." "What do you mean "used to," baby?" "hold on." "Hey, come on, one-Ieg daddy!" "Let's show them how it's really done!" "Yo, hey, check it out!" "It's old time at the apollo!" "Come on, Iet's go down to the lodge." "We'II be appreciated." "Huh?" "The Christmas party starts in 15 minutes." "Man, I sure wish Robbie was here." "He certainly would enjoy this." "Wait, wait, wait." "hold it." "Wait a minute, Mom." "Who is this Robert guy?" "I mean, where did you meet him at?" "I mean, what does he do for a living?" "Where's his parents" "Good night, will." "Hey!" "You be back here by 10:00!" "And don't make me have to come down there and get you!" "Who could that be?" "That's probably Donny and Marie coming over to borrow a cup of rhythm." "Hi." "I'm arnold Tish." "My car broke down." "Can I use your phone?" "Oh, sure." "Whoa, whoa." "hold up a second, my man." "will, why'd you do that?" "carlton, you suburban twit, this guy's a stranger." "will, it is freezing outside." "Let him in." "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "unless he is on a mule with a pregnant virgin... he ain't getting in here." "will, wouldn't you want someone to help you if you were in his shoes?" "I didn't even see his shoes and I'd help him." "will, it's Christmas." "Yeah." "Aren't the holidays about sharing?" "AII right, all right, Iet him in." "Come on in, my man." "I'II get the phone for you." "Why don't you have a nice seat by the fireplace?" "What did you say your name was again?" "arnold." "Hi, arnold, nice to meet you." "Hey, my man, arnold." "Why don't you say Merry Christmas for the camera?" "Merry Christmas." "could I say one more thing?" "Yeah." "Hurry up though, I'm about to run out of tape." "Okay." "Nobody move, this is a stick-up." "Oh, my God!" "Oh, Bobby, honey, how many times I have to tell you?" "Don't tie up the family!" "The creep even took the toilet paper." "Don't ask me how I know." "He took my home pregnancy test, too." "well, maybe he'II call in with the results." "I'II get it." "Gosh, I'm glad I came." "Hi, there." "Boy, howdy!" "Looks like you folks have been picked cleaner than Pavarotti's chicken bones." "Wait a minute, I thought you were the real estate agent." "I am." "I'm also the Sheriff... notary public... mortician... and I'm a pretty good little dancer, too." "Let me guess... there's a Iot of marriage between first cousins in this town, right?" "Okay, Iet me see if I got this right:" "He's a short, tall, medium-height Caucasian male... with strawberry, dirty-bIond brown hair... weighing somewhere between 125 and 200 pounds." "Yep, that's him." "And the dude'II be carrying my boom box." "Right." "What the hell is a boom box?" "So, Sheriff, what are the chances of us getting our stuff back?" "Can I be honest with you?" "please do." "Buy all new stuff." "Merry Christmas." "well, there's nothing we can do about it now." "Why don't we just try and get some sleep?" "It's not quite that simple." "There are only enough beds for seven of us, remember?" "well, I'm not sleeping with anyone but Lester." "Except maybe DenzeI Washington." "Yes, ma'am !" "Look, I know how to settle this." "Everybody who chipped in on renting this cabin gets a bed." "Time out, time out." "That means all the kids have to sleep on the floor." "Works for me." "Works for me." "will?" "will, are you asleep?" "No, carlton, I'm doing homeboy yoga." "will..." "I was really scared tonight." "Yeah, carlton, you're scared of zipper-fIy jeans." "Come on." "I mean, weren't you scared, just a little bit?" "What, are you tripping, man?" "Scared?" "I was petrified, man." "If ashley hadn't slapped me, man, I might have screamed." "I'II tell you one thing:" "What happened tonight made me realize how precious life is." "And I promised myself that I would always make sure..." "I let my family know how much I Iove them." "So..." "I just want to say..." "I Iove you, will." "Aren't you gonna say it back?" "I know how you feel, even if you won't say it." "If there is an ounce of decency left in you... just tell him you love him." "It's okay, Ash." "I Iove you, man." "AII right?" "I Iove you!" "I Iove you!" "I Iove you, too." "Merry Christmas, everybody." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "Right." "What's so merry about it?" "If no one else is gonna put up a front, neither am I." "This is the worst damn Christmas I've ever had!" "And look at this fool." "So, Geoffrey... what's for breakfast?" "Hot water and chewing gum, sir." "You mean he stole the food, too?" "Hey, look what I found." "A tea bag." "Hey, it ain't a belgian waffle but it'II do." "Pass it around." "You know what?" "This reminds me of the Christmas that Mama got laid off from work... and she brought us home those dolls, remember?" "Oh, yeah!" "Oh, yeah." "Yeah, she couldn't afford their clothes, so she told us they were topless." "I remember one Christmas I wanted a set of drums so bad." "Mama and Papa couldn't afford them... so they set up the pots and pans like drums." "I wailed on those things till suppertime." "Then Mama had to take them apart so she could cook, you know?" "Does that mean you're gonna go out and make me a Miata?" "No, sweetheart, but I am gonna give you a gift." "This year..." "I'm going to give my family less of my money and more of myself." "For my gift, I'm going to make sure that this family stays close." "Seeing my family just once a year just isn't enough." "well, I'm giving helen my ears... because sometimes what she says... makes more sense than I give her credit for." "well, I'm gonna try to speak softer... so maybe I'II be easier to listen to." "I'm going to try and be more like my aunts and my mother... who are all warm... wonderful, strong, black women." "That's cute!" "Thank you." "For my Christmas gift..." "I'm gonna give ashley a noogie." "I am going to give Bobby five seconds... before I ram that video game down his throat!" "well, you've already given me my gift." "I've got Janice... and I'm proud to be a part of this family." "And I am going to... throw up." "Oh, baby." "Now, there's a gift for the person who has everything." "Hey, I'm just gonna go check on her." "No, no, no, you don't." "That's Frank's job." "Come on, it's your turn." "I guess... my gift to you, Mom, is...." "Is me." "Mama, you don't need that Robert." "Thanks, baby, but I already have one of you." "I guess, then, I'm gonna try to be more understanding." "Just don't come around here with no babies." "Oh, will, you're my only baby." "Madam, sir... this family is as close to me as my very own." "My gift to you will be... a set of hand towels." "I'm British." "I'm no good at this mushy stuff." "You ain't no good at picking Christmas gifts, neither." "Merry Christmas, folks." "I got good news." "We got the guy who robbed you." "That's great!" "He didn't get very far." "Nope." "The tire blew out on your rental car... and he slammed right into the courthouse nativity scene." "Baby Jesus went through the windshield and knocked him out cold." "The Lord works in mysterious ways." "Oh, yes!" "But the bad news is, he'd already unloaded all your stuff." "Except for one thing." "Someone in this room is pregnant." "Boy, don't you even think it." "congratulations, and..." "Happy Kwanzaa." "Honey... remember that night when I said, "Better safe than sorry"?" "Sorry." "holy smokes." "Hey, wait a minute." "I didn't get to give my Christmas gift." "It's a holiday medley, and it's dedicated to Janice and Frank." "Hey, hey, wait a minute." "You guys are drowning me out." "My gift to you was a solo." "No, no, carlton, you can still sing solo... so low that we can't hear you." "english"