"Student ♪1:" "Hey, what are you doing with our vending machine?" "[Indistinct conversations]" "That's our candy." "Student ♪2:" "Don't take away my candy." "It sounds bad to say, but I enjoy watching them cry." " I really do." " Well, it's good for them." "They're being freed from the Monsanto mentality." "I'll give you $100 if you can tell me a single thing Monsanto produces." "Outrage... the largest producer in the U.S." "Hey, man, that's the teachers' vending machine." "Just doing what I'm told." "That's what the Nazis said!" "Dude, that's our vending machine." "What the hell, man?" "Yeah, it's a damn shame when the people don't realize they have an addiction, you know?" "What exposure is that?" "Ugh, indecent." "♪♪" "♪ Quit wasting my time ♪" "♪ I ain't here for you ♪" "♪ I'm just putting in work ♪" "♪ Till my day is through ♪ [dramatic music plays]" "I'm going for it." "Be careful." " [Button clicks]" " Oh!" "Son of a bitch!" "The only way that could be grosser is if it were served in a urinal." "This... this is textbook big brother stuff right here." " Easy, you're spitting." " I'm sorry." "If I don't get my Hydrox cookies, I get quite irritable." "Hydrox is your fix." "Boy, you can take the boy out of the trailer park," " but you cannot take the..." " Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!" "They got the teachers' lounge, too?" "!" "[Slam]" "How the hell am I supposed to get my red vines?" "!" "Calm down, woman." "You guys need to embrace this healthier lifestyle." "It's just that usually I've had four red vines by now," " and now I've had zero red vines." " Exactly." "Abbey, it's okay to skip sweets every now and then, okay?" "Trust me..." "I'm the health teacher." "We have got to get those machines back." "You shut your mouth, okay?" "We'll get to the bottom of this by going straight to the middle." "Yeah, shut your mouth." "[Scoffs] They're just cranky." "You shut your mouth!" "Well, coast is clear." "I told you she's at 7-Eleven, pounding nachos." "Hold up there, Duke boys." "Hey, we need to talk to Quinn." "Someone took all the vending machines out of the building." "This is a civil-rights emergency." "Oh, well, let me get Dr. Martin Luther king Jr. on the phone." "He's dead, Tammy." "We need to see Quinn." "He can't help you." "No one can." "It's those bitches in the PTA." "I'd rather put on a thong and dance naked in a pit of cobras before I cross that coven." "What a super unappetizing image." "And why would you put on a thong first?" " That makes no sense." " Get out." "Listen, if I don't get my sugar... if these kids don't get their sugar fix, this whole place is gonna turn into a goddamn zoo." "A goddamn zoo." "Oh, they're gonna get their fix, all right." "Don't worry about that." "Whenever there's a void, someone fills it." "Huh, you know what, Tammy?" "I think you just gave me a good idea." "You're really earning that $17,500 a year, aren't you?" " You should have let it hit you." " Oh, god." "You're a lot quicker than you look, Tammy." "Stop." "Did you bend over for the head of the PTA?" "No, no, no, she's here." "Gwen Stephanie is here." "The lead singer of no doubt?" "Gwen:" "No." "That's Gwen Stefani." "Hi, I'm Gwen Stephanie." "Studies show students who eat nutritious food are more productive, test higher, and are happier." "You sexless fascist." "Give us our candy machines back." "That's never gonna happen." "Geoffrey, tell him." "Uh, yeah, Bil..." "Billy." "Um, you see, the PTA helps raise money for the school, which helps pay teachers' salaries." "Or sometimes doesn't." "I will not be threatened." "And if you think I'm gonna let you take our rights away," "Gwen Stephanie, well, that is just b-a-n-a-n-a-s." "[Sighs]" " W-would you like to touch my bonsai?" " Shut up." "♪♪" "And according to general Larimer's" ""Field Guide on Prolific Procreation,"" "a sturdy female can be expected to deliver up to 12 future farmhands before her natural death at the age of 32." "Yes, pregnant Beth." "How old is this book?" "Oh, it's... it's pretty recent." "It's from the '50s..." "Or 1850s." "Well, do you have anything more modern that's, like, LGBT-friendly?" "LGB..." "like "big friendly giant"?" "No, like, for instance, I'm straight." " Duh." " What's your sexual orientation?" "[Smacks lips]" "Uhhhmmm..." "Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..." "[School bell rings]" "There you are, Kyle." "Get at me when you need more, Homey." "What's up, Patrick?" "I'm-a come at you at sixth period." "You ain't got my money, you ain't got no pixy sticks, you little Sherm-head." "Oh-ooh!" "Hey, what's up, Baby Girl?" "You back already?" "What you need?" "Red vines?" "Actually, yeah." "Red vines for the redhead." "Nah, son, step off." "That'll be $2." "They were $1 two periods ago." "And it'll be $4 two periods from now." "You want it or not?" "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah." "I need it, I need it." "See you in two periods, you little chicken head." "Cluck, cluck!" "Hey, how are you gonna generate the necessary 1.21 jigawatts" " to get back to the present?" " "Jiga" what?" "All right, I'm gonna go before I have to hit your face." ""Jiga" who?" "I can't stand to see you doing this to yourself." "I know." "It's humiliating." "We got to get those machines back." "Well, you know, infiltrating the PTA is gonna be hard." "They're like a cult." "This place could go Jonestown, you know... an airstrip in the jungle, sandals." " Mm-hmm." " Whoa, look at that." "Oh, it's from Loren." "Probably just cypress hill tickets." "Why the hell did you pull me off my corner, man?" "I got prime real estate." "Pull you off?" "You sent me this letter." "I didn't send you that letter." "You sent me this letter." " Psst!" "It was me!" " Whoa." "Ow!" "[Grunts]" "I sent the letters." "Well, that would explain all the misspellings." "I'm sorry for betraying your trust." "I actually can't believe you thought of this whole thing." "It's pretty elaborate for you." " Good job." " Thank you." "I read about it in "Baby-Sitters Club"" "number 117... "The Samantha Switcheroo."" "Anyway, I'm having kind of a sex problem." " Okay, I'm out." "No, no, no." " No, no, no, no, no, no." " No, I can't do this." " We agreed." "We said when he started asking questions, we were gonna do this together." " [Sighs]" " And now is the time." "All right, fine." "You start." "Fairbell, when a man loves a woman at the end of the bar, he typically sends her a drink." "Right, a stiff one." "Then he takes her back to his apartment, and he doesn't wear condoms because four million Catholics can't be wrong." "They've never been wrong about anything, and she never seems crazy... that's the thing." "But now she's showing up to stuff, claiming she's pregnant." "And she is gaining weight, so what's that about?" "Then she has the baby, and then the in-laws start saying," ""oh, you got to quit your touring band,"" "because the boy might have Asperger's." "He does have Asperger'." "You think so?" "I just think he's focused." "No, he's odd, and he's meticulous." "Guys, guys, guys, I'm the health teacher, okay?" "I know how you-know-whats work." "My problem is I don't know my... sexual orientation." "Yeah, I don't know what's creepier, Fairbell... the fact that you just whispered that or that you whispered it from a bush." "It's really pretty simple, man." "What are you into?" "What what gets you off?" "You mean like when I pet myself?" "[Gags]" "I guess I can show you." "No." "All right, if we're gonna do this, everyone give me room." " I'm all elbows." " No one is doing anything." "We're gonna watch a minute of the tape to help Fairbell, and then that is it." "Okay, if I show you this, I'm swearing you to double-best-friend secrecy, all right?" "I've never shown anyone this tape." " Yeah, yeah, oh, for sure." " Yeah, big time." "Yeah, of course, yeah." "Wait, you made this?" "Is that your phone number?" "No, it's his social security number." "No, it's my social security number." "He forgot how to put the hyphens." "I couldn't figure out how to put the hyphens in." "[ Soft instrumental music playing]" "[Murmuring]" "[Crocodile growls]" "See the correlation between..." "Man:" "He's a tough, stubborn old man." "Loren:" "Come on." "It's..." "How long is this?" "Exactly the length of "The Parent Trap II,"" " which I taped over." " You're serious." "Okay, no, I'm out of here." "I need answers." "Look elsewhere, dude." "No, you guys go ahead." "I'm just gonna stick around and finish this up." " [Puppy yelping] - [Chuckles]" "Oh, look at what... he's tickling a dog's belly." "What's he tickling that dog for?" "Oh, now it's a little guy pulling Taffy." "Smarties?" "Airheads?" "Nerds?" "Maurice, got a fresh shipment of Rolos in, Dawg." "Come on, man." " Want some Smarties?" " We don't buy from you anymore." "Yeah, who do you buy from, Bryce?" "Do I look like a snitch?" "Yeah, dude, you look exactly like a snitch." "What?" "Got some Nerds, nerd Ropes, whatever you need." "You have to watch this, man." "There is some real genius on here." "It's like sexual jazz." "Fairbell tape?" "What are you talking about?" " It's ridiculous." " Shh, no, no, no." "Oh, ugh, your fingers are so salty." "If you watch it in small segments, but if you give yourself to the whole thing." "I haven't felt so alive... what is this?" "The touch." "The feel." "Yeah, it's cotton..." "the fabric of our lives." "You're freaking me out, dude." "You're spitting all over my face." "Get out of here." "No, look... just trust me and just watch the video, okay?" "It's the most freaky, pansexual shit I've ever seen." "There was a-a-a crocodile w-with a bird in its mouth." "And then I realized that's... that's how you take down the PTA... from the inside." " PTA?" " Please, just watch it." "Ugh." "Ugh!" "Hey, Kyle, where'd you get that chocolate from?" "Oh, no, no!" "♪♪" "Loren:" "Move!" "Move!" "Move!" "Move!" "So dope." "Did you guys see that?" "!" "I got your junkie ass now, Kyle." "♪♪" "Leslie Bronn." "[Western music plays]" " I should have known." " Loren Payton." "How are things on the Iberian peninsula?" "Actually pretty good." "I mean, the euro's kicking butt over there, and they're enjoying a kind of culinary revolution, but let's cut the crap!" "You're moving in on my territory, and that's an act of war." "Kids, take an 80-second break." "Yeah, clear the sweatshop, kids." "Selling Costco candy from a locker like some sort of street punk?" "You're gonna get caught." "Oh, and you're not gonna get caught?" " Look at this." " Yeah, well, I have tenure, dipshit." "I could kill a kid and not get fired." "All right, let's just divide our territory, okay?" "Why do you got to push somebody else's product when you were brilliant at baking your own?" "That was a long time ago." "Was I a gifted baker in high school?" "Sure... so what?" "You were the most gifted student I ever had." "You were a master... a master baker, and so prolific." "You master-baked everywhere." "You master-baked here." "You master-baked at home." "I was a teenager." "I master-baked a lot." " What's your point?" " Money!" "If you and I stopped competing, we could make a killing." " Work with you?" " Yeah." "Have you seen the garbage product you're churning out?" "Look at this... how many chocolate chips are there?" "Two." " Yeah." " How about here?" "Eight." "There's no consistency." "It's a disgrace." "I cannot work with this kind of garbage product." "And you shouldn't." "You see, this... this is the fire you had when you created that legendary rock candy." " You remember that?" " Yes, I remember that." "Every kid craved it." "Yeah, 'cause it came from the heart." "I had that ill product." "It wasn't for the marks or busters." "It was just for my homies." "Can you dig deep again, Loren?" "Can you find the passion to one more time bake that rock candy?" " I don't know." " We could make a fortune." "It's been so long since I've put on that apron." "You mean..." "This one?" "You retired my apron." "Well, it's more like I haven't cleaned the room in a really long time, but, yeah, sure." " God." " Uh-huh." " [Sniffs]" " Come on, try it on." " Okay, all right, just one." " Come on." "Come on." " See how it feels." " Oh, my god, Leslie." " Yeah, how does it feel, huh?" " I can't believe..." " it feels really good." " It still fits." "And Eminem still rules." "You think you could do it again?" "I think I could do it." "Okay." "Time to master-bake." "You're so right." "But first, let me go jerk off real quick." "It always helps me focus." "All right, whatever you need." "♪♪" "[Applause]" "[Sniffs]" " What are you doing?" "!" " I'm sorry." "I just..." "I-I-I saw this tape that Fairbell had earlier, and it's just really opened me up sexually." "Gross, I don't want to hear about Fairbell's porno tape." "Oh, no, this is not porno." "I-it's animals and stuff." "There... there... there was like a crocodile." "Uh-huh." "Yeah, and then a bird flew... okay, listen, to beat the PTA, you have to go out there and get them to trust you." "Wait, that's your plan?" " I go to a meeting?" " Go easy on me." "I've had an erection tucked into my belt buckle for the past two hours." " Gross." " Oh, look at that." "After we get the candy back," "I don't think that we should hang out anymore." "Go out that door, go in the back, make them love you." "Then we'll take them down from the inside." "Oh, my..." "Phase one of our health initiative... to eliminate the vending machines from the school... has been super successful." " [Applause]" " But there is a bit of bummer news." "Turns out one of the teachers at our school is not in harmony with our vision, so they will need to be dealt with." "Is it her?" "I'll slash her tires." "[Chuckling] Oh, no, I'm not a teacher." "I-I'm abbey, the school librarian." "I just came here to tell you how thrilling it is to have such great, health-conscious moms here at Smoot." "So, you're not friends with Billy Shoemaker?" "Uh..." "God, no." "Nobody here is friends with Billy Shoemaker." "He's like a complete joke." "Everyone knows that." "And?" "And, uh, people say he's a rage addict and, uh, absentee father." "And?" "And..." "His tattoos are stupid?" "Okay, my tattoos are not stupid." " Speak of the devil." " You know what, Gwen?" "Don't speak 'cause I know just what you're thinking." "Billy, you're acting like an asshole" " Get out!" " No, I will not go 'cause I will not stand for this gestapo bullshit" "Are you being serious right now?" "I can't tell." "Well, I can't stand you!" " [Slap] - [Groaning]" "Okay, did you just wink?" "I can't tell because you hit me, and then you winked." " No, that was a wink." " Are we really still a team?" " Yeah." " Okay." "Okay." "Well, then, fine!" "I'll leave!" "You should probably not hit people when you're giving them a signal." "It's very misleading." "And I'll let you all get back to meddling in your children's lives, forsaking those wastelands you call vaginas." " [Gasping]" " Yeah, I said it." "But me... yeah, I've seen the Fairbell tape, and I watched a grizzly bear eat an entire salmon whole." "And I know that eroticism is all around us, but you're all too blinded by your mummified sexualities to ever see it." "And for that, I pity you!" "[Chuckles]" "How dare you shame these women for caring for their children?" "!" "Get out!" "Okay, I should go." "[Women murmuring]" " What?" " You were so... ♪♪" "Oh, hey, man, I'll take a medium..." "Whoa." "What the hell was that?" "[Chuckles]" "Ahh!" "♪♪" "[Laughter]" "Women: [Chanting] Abbey!" "Abbey!" "Abbey!" "Whoo!" "Women: [Chanting] Abbey!" "Abbey!" "Abbey!" "Abbey!" "♪♪" "Hey!" "Hey!" "You owe me $19.95 for this Ross young executive dress shirt." "I'm sorry about that, but it worked!" "These women love me now!" "It's what you wanted." "These women are making my life hell, and you're in too deep." " [Slap] - [Groans]" " Sorry." " Will you stop doing that?" "!" "Sorry, I'm lightheaded from Bikram yoga." "Bikram yoga?" "Listen to yourself." "Are you with me, or are you with them?" "I'm with you." "And I'm almost ready to make my move." "Abbey, just as I suspected..." "fraternizing with the enemy." "Oh, god, we're busted." "I know exactly what to do." "You caught us, Gwen." "We're conspiring to get our vending machines back." "That plan sucks." "You just told her everything." "I can hear you whispering." "And, uh, about those vending machines... you're never getting them back." "Oh, I can't wait to tell the girls what a turncoat you are." "Well, they'll never believe you." "Those women love me now." "In fact, I'm giving Connie one of my eggs." "That bitch wouldn't take my eggs." "Face it, Gwen, your reign of terror is over..." "Unless you want to cut a deal." "[Scoffs]" "What could you possibly have that I want?" "The one thing that your frigid little coven needs." "Those women are sexually starving." "They need something to really blow their minds." "What if I told you that we have a ta..." " the Fairbell tape." " Oh, my god!" "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, the one that I was talking about in the meeting with the grizzly eating the salmon." "It's been blowing minds everywhere." "What the hell?" "I was leading up to it." "The Fairbell tape is real?" "Oh, yeah, yeah, and it'll pop your clit like a Chinese firecracker." "Seriously, what is wrong with you?" "What?" "So, the tape for the machines?" "Deal." " Good." " Yes, you won't regret it." "It'll bust your Boston baked bean..." " I said, "deal"!" " She said, "deal"!" "♪♪" "Oh, hey, Rod, I left a tape in here the other day." "You mind if I run in and grab it real quick?" "Party's over, everybody." "Fairbell wants his tape back." " [People groaning]" " You've been showing my tape?" "That was private." "I made that just for me." "It's a secret. [Grunts]" "The secret's out, Fairbell." "That was some next-level shit" "You opened me up like a Russian nesting doll." "[Laughs]" " Whew!" " What happened?" "We ran that thing pretty roughshod." "I mean, it's got maybe one, two views left." "Hey, look at the bright side, though." "At least I got to masturbate to it." "I heard that!" "Oh, my special." "I'll find a radio shack." " I'll fix us." " There's the tape right there." " That's the tape." " And he's talking to it." "Billy:" "Yeah, okay." "I'll handle this." "Just..." "Hey, Fairbell." "Hey, Bud, why don't you just give the tape over to Abbey... no, it's mine!" "Hey, you have a chance to be a real leader here, okay?" "[Chuckles] Everybody at this school... they think of you as a geni... [Laughs]" "I'll get through this." "I promise." "I will." "Okay, you listen to me, you little shit stain." " Hand over that tape..." " No, no, no." "Or I will pry it from your tiny lady hands." "No, no, it's mine." "It's mine, no." "[Grunting]" "[Giggling hysterically]" "I'm not gonna lie to you guys." "I am too old to be master-baking all day." "I mean, I used to be able to master-bake for like four or five hours straight, but now I just get exhausted." "[ Soft instrumental music playing]" "[Women moaning lightly]" "I didn't know you could get goose bumps there." "[Moaning continues]" "[Bird tweets]" " [Static crackling] - [Women gasping]" "No, no, no!" "[Voice breaking] Goodbye, old friend." "[VCR clicks]" "What do you guys want to do now?" "[Women moaning]" "No, thank you." "That is my belt." "Hey, I'm ticklish inside there." "Stop, stop, no." "Help!" "[Screams]" " Hey." " Ah, today is a good day." " [Chuckles]" " Yeah." "Not for me, though." "What are you doing out of the kitchen?" "We have no more product." "It's all sold out." "Get down there." "I'm done cooking, Leslie, all right?" "I'm a Spanish teacher, not a baker." " Oh, really?" " Yeah." "Well, then I'm gonna need the apron back." "Well, then I'm gonna need to know where my pants are." "Well, that sounds like less of a Leslie problem, more of a Loren problem." "Come on." "Hand it over." " It was my apron to begin with." " [Whistles]" "Waste of talent." " Ohh." " Jesus" "[Door opens]" "I told you... the five minutes are up." "I tried lady sex." "I do not care for it." "No!" "[Door slams]" " So worth it." " Mm."