"Like people all over the world, our family has always had little rituals that we look forward to." "Like, every Sunday, we'd head down to ShopWorld to check out the specials." "Come on, gang!" "Let's get a move on!" "There was something about the regularity of it, and the fact that we all did it together that made it special." "Until, one Sunday, Raja had a thought:" "You know, Mrs. Tolchuck," "ShopWorld is kind of like your church." "No, Raja." "That's not right." "I know it seems funny to think of it, but you all go together on your Sabbath day;" "it seems to lift everybody's spirits;" "and you do leave behind roughly ten percent of your income." "There are many parallels." "You know, Raja, this weekly shopping trip that we go on as a family is just for fun." "It has nothing to do with our spiritual life." "That would be shallow." "I am sorry." "I meant no offense, huh?" "Perhaps it was not as delightful an observation as I thought." "Gar," "Raja says that we haven't really exposed him to our family's spiritual life yet." "Oh, yeah." "God." "Good stuff." "Good stuff." "Way up on our list." "Let's get inside." "Oh, look." "They're advertising brand-name dishes for 50% off." "We're not going in there." "What?" "Today, this family is going to church." "What?" "Seriously?" "I don't want to go." "Today, this family is going to church." "Now, get in the damn car!" "It had been ten years since our family had gone to church." "Why the sudden change of heart?" "Turns out there were a few things going on in my mother's head these days." "First of all, she's always a little more high-strung around the holidays." "But, this year, she got a special jolt when Claire and I gave her our Christmas lists." "CLAIRE'S XMAS LIST:" "BIRTH CONTROL PILLS" "±¾×ÖÄ"½ö¹©Ñ§Ï°½"Á÷£¬ÑÏ½ûÓÃÓÚÉÌÒµÓÃÍ¾" "=ÆÆÀÃÐÜ×ÖÄ"×é=- ·­Òë£º¸öÈËID Ð£¶Ô£º¸öÈËID Ê±¼äÖá£ºBreezy Â¼ÖÆ£º¸öÈËID" "My mother needed some help imposing moral authority on Claire, so she dragged us all back to the family's church, which, it turns out, we hadn't been to in quite some time." "Is this your church?" "Something's... different." "Welcome to The Chicken Wing." "How may I help you?" "Yeah." "Hi." "What happened to the church that used to be in this spot?" "I haven't been trained to respond to that, ma'am." "I was married in this place." "My children were baptized right over by that deep fryer." "And I'd like to know how a house of God could turn into a chicken restaurant." "I think you'll need a manager for that." "Honey, I..." "I think it's kind of rude to just sit here during lunch rush." "I always thought what that place needed was chicken." "If it is not too forward of me to ask, exactly what denomination is your family?" "We're Methodists, Raja." "I thought we were Lutheran." "No, we were, but then we switched." "Yeah, to Episcopalian." "Remember?" "We're splitting hairs here, you know?" "The point is, Jesus is our guy." "Yes." "I have also studied Jesus." "In the Muslim faith he is a great prophet." "We believe in the Virgin Birth, although not the Resurrection." "It would be so interesting to compare those parts of the legend we share in common and those on which we differ." "You don't want to eat that without the sauce." "Okay, there's a mega-church in Langston with a 1:00 service." "And, if we go now, I think we can make it." "Well, here we go." "I am so looking forward to this." "And exactly what denomination is this new church?" ""Mega."" "I'm sorry." "The service is already in progress." "The next one begins in 90 minutes." "Oh, for (bleep) sake!" "No, we should stay for Christ's sake, kids." "No more backtalk!" "Luckily, there was plenty to keep us busy while we were waiting for Christ's sake." "While Claire and my mom got some chai lattes, and I listened to some Christian rock, my dad checked out the housewares section of the gift shop." "May I help you, sir?" "Uh, yeah, these plates with the apostles on them." "Is... is this the price per plate?" "Oh, no." "It's $22.50 for the whole set." "By the way, they are collectibles." "Oh." "Do you take credit cards?" "What has always fascinated me most is your idea of the Trinity." "It is somewhat surprising that the idea survived the Reformation." "Meanwhile, there was no polite way to get Raja to ease up on all the God talk." "?" "Oh!" "What is it?" "Buck Ceglowski, also known as the face-sitter." "I came up with that." "Well, inspired it." "Isn't that not Buck from our school?" "Shh!" "Hello, Buck." "Hey, Tolchuck, is that you?" "I almost didn't recognize you without my ass on your face." "Maybe it was because I was at a church, but I didn't just wish for something to stop him." "I actually prayed." "Please, God, please." "My eye, my eye, I'm blind." "Oh, my God." "And so began my spiritual awakening." "Hello, um, I'm Debbie Lowell." "Oh, hello." "Franny Tolchuck." "Hi." "This is my daughter, Claire." "Hi." "Are you thinking of joining our church?" "Oh, well, perhaps." "Oh." "Until recently we were members of a church across town, but they underwent some changes." "It was hardly about God at all anymore." "I understand." "This is a wonderful place for families." "We have Biblestudy for all ages." "Your daughter might be interested in our chastity club." "She is." "What?" "Well, it's just a group of young people who get together every Tuesdays and Thursday nights to talk about ways to fight the secular pressures encouraging teen sex." "Isn't that wonderful?" "Mm-hmm." "We also go on, uh, field trips and we put on an annual Nativity play." "Actually, we need a few more adults to help supervise." "Well, sign me up." "Yay!" "Maybe I'll learn how to avoid teen sex myself." "Okay, great." "So, um, just read that over and, um, see what you think." "Okeydoke." "Okay." "Bye-bye." "Okay, let me be clear:" "not if you lit me on fire!" "You are joining that club." "You can't make me." "My mom was in a tough position." "She knew she couldn't force Claire to join, but she did have one card to play, and luckily her hypocrisy meter was never all that sensitive." "You join the chastity club," "I'll let you go on the pill for Christmas." "deal" "Get out of here." "I know it sounds crazy, but I'm telling you I prayed for it and boom," "Buck Ceglowski down like a tree." "Did Raja do this to you, huh?" "Is he making you all religious?" "What?" "No." "I'm not getting all religious... necessarily.?" "" "I'm just saying that traditions, like praying, have been around for thousands of years, and I'm starting to understand why." "I'm worried." "Sharon heard there's going to be a pop quiz on all of chapter seven today." "Oh, no." "Did you even read chapter seven?" "No, I got halfway through the first paragraph." "Once they mentioned agrarian economy, I fell asleep." "Woke up 13 hours later." "I missed dinner." "I missed my shows." "I missed the bus this morning." "I had to walk." "Agrarian economy?" "Dude, this is Spanish class." "Ay." "Listen up, people." "Ms. Gately will not be in today." "She woke up this morning with Perkins disease and has temporarily lost the power of speech." "It's odd, very odd." "Anyway, you're on your own." "Well, I know what the next thing you got to pray for is:" "sex with Liz Sherman." "Yes!" "100%." "I can't do that." "Why not?" "Because" "I can't pray for something that God is against." "I think it's a little presumptuous of you to claim you know the will of God." "But if I had to guess," "I'd say God is for it." "God smashed Buck Ceglowski's head open in church, gave Ms. Gately Perkins disease." "I mean this is a pretty cool God." "He had a point." "Sex with Liz Sherman was certainly worth thinking about, even more than usual." "Meanwhile,the chastity club meetings were everything" "Claire and my mother had anticipated." "And so I say, why not wait until marriage when the Lord gives me the thumbs up to share my carnal treasure?" "!" "It got even worse when Mom agreed to direct the Nativity play for the Christmas pageant and she cast Claire as the Virgin Mary." "I still think in the new year our main goal should be recruitment." "The kids in my school are so addicted to sex." "You walk down the hall and you can just tell." "Gee, Brenda," "I'd love to help you recruit, but I'm not going to be around anymore after Christmas Eve." "I'm only in this club so my mom will let me go on the pill." "I'm only here so I can get a car." "What kind?" "Why do the Nelsons have only a simple wreath on their door, whilst your home is decorated with lights and reindeer on the roof?" "Well, we love Jesus more than they do." "We're a Jesus-loving family." "That's also why we have an inflatable motion-sensor singing snowman." "Interesting." "Do you, uh, have any inflatable decorations to help you celebrate your holidays, like a magic lamp or something?" "No." "Interesting." "Wait till you experience Easter, Raja." "Oh, there's little bunnies and dyed eggs and candy." "It's very spiritual." "What the hell?" "Justin and I both got Simon the Zealot." "There aren't supposed to beduplicate apostles." "Well,I don't think it matters, Gar." "Well, it's supposed to be a valuable collectible." "And I have two Simons." "That means someone's missing." "And..." "I think it's..." "Doubting Thomas, that's the best one of all." "I'm taking these back." "Hey, everybody." "Claire." "You do realize we've got rehearsal every single night this week." "I know." "My mom was thrilled." "She thought Claire was finally making a connection with God, even if she was really just making a connection with Joseph." "But where shall we stay, my husband?" "Do not worry, my wife." "I will find us a place where we can spend the night." "Your daughter is so committed to this role." "Isn't she?" "Claire!" "Luckily, at least one of Mom's children really believed in something." "Hell-hi." "Hi there." "And sure enough, my praying worked." "But then..." "Hi, Liz." "Hi there." "What the hell are you doing?" "I don't think we need to curse." "You're praying for sex with Liz Sherman, aren't you?" "I think that's between me and my Lord." "You're going to ruin this." "We can't both be praying for the same thing at once." "Well, then stop." "No." "I don't want to stop." "You're the one who has to stop." "Hey, I've been practically praying for sex with her since the sixth grade." "Oh, yeah?" "Well, you know what." "I'm not going to stop." "And I can pray for like eight hours a day." "Oh, yeah?" "Well, I just quit dulcimer, so I can pray for at least ten, and a couple of those prayers might be designed to take you out of the competition altogether." "Think about it." "So there it was:" "the power of prayer twisted into something selfish and petty." "It was like he didn't understand religion at all." "As Christmas approached," "Mom was beginning to wonder if the Chastity Club might wind up being the biggest threat to Claire's chastity." "Meanwhile, my dad was having doubts about our church." "I am done with that place." "What's the matter?" "I brought the apostle plates back." "She told me they have a no-return policy." "Can you believe it?" "I am never buying anything or praying there again." "Oh, for Pete's sake..." "They took advantage of my religious faith to sell me faulty merchandise." "You and the kids can go if you want, although I'm getting a little concerned" "Claire is turning into some kind of religious fanatic." "Well, I dropped her off at the back entrance." "She's meeting some boy so she can practice her Bible play." "She's at church?" "!" "Uh-huh." "Don't worry." "I don't think she's buying anything." "Hello." "Hello." "I saw Eddie and Dooley today, but you were not with them." "Nope." "I got in a fight with Dooley." "He's a total douche." "Now I am sure you do not mean that." "At times, we are, all of us, a partial douche, but never a total one." "You won't believe what he did to me." "I told him about the power of prayer and so Dooley suggests that I start praying for sex with Liz Sherman." "So I started doing it." "Next thing I know," "Dooley starts praying that he gets sex from Liz Sherman, and I was like, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, that's not cool."" "And he's like, "Yeah, but it was my idea."" "I was like, "Yeah, I know it's your idea, but it's like your idea for me."" "It's like the guy has no sense of-of right and wrong." "Are you making that face because you agree that Dooley is a bad friend?" "Raja pointed out a lot of stuff that seemed pretty obvious once somebody said it out loud." "Like how I had abused something a lot of people considered sacred." "And how, with all that's going on in the world, it might not be right to ask the creator of the universe to help me have sex with Liz Sherman." "There you are." "Mom?" "Don't you "Mom" me, young lady." "We are going home right this minute." "So embarrassing." "One of the keys to playing the Virgin Mary is to not be jumping on every shepherd that comes along." "We made out once." "I'm not going to have sex with him." "Why else are you sneaking off to church in the middle of the afternoon?" "We were running lines." "How do you expect me to trust you if you keep lying to my face?" "Trust is earned, Lady Godiva." "Hi, Mrs. Tolchuck." "Where are we doing the speed-through?" "In the auditorium." "We need to be done before the 6:00 service." "See you inside." "We're having an orgy." "Hello, Mrs. Tolchuck." "Hello, Raja." "You know, growing up in Pakistan, it never made sense to me how, in your religion," "Jesus wound up being so fat." "Then I realized this was Santa Claus." "I should have known he was too jolly to be a messiah." "Is everything all right?" "No." "Do you want to talk about it?" "No." "Mrs. Tolchuck, please, maybe I can help." "Well, Raja, this really is a Christian thing, and I don't think you'd understand." "I may not be a Christian, but religion is an important part of my life." "You know, you may not know this about me, but I'm a very spiritual person and it is very... difficult for me to live with people who don't get that." "Do you know what I'm talking about?" "I will try to imagine." "When I was a kid, I went to church every Sunday, and I'd like to think it made me a better person, but now with my own kids..." "I just always thought there'd be more time." "And now Claire is growing up and she's interested in... other things." "You and Mr. Tolchuck have raised your children with very good values." "With or without religion, they will make the right choices when the time comes." "Oh, I just wish I could know for sure." "I am sorry." "I do not think anyone ever gets to know for sure." "My mother didn't much like knowing she could never know for sure, but she did remember where she used to go when she felt this way." "There was no guarantee that her kids would ever share her interest in going to church," "but she knew what it meant to her, and for the time being, what my mother needed most was faith." "Hey." "I've been doing some thinking." "Oh, really?" "Yes, and I've decided that I'm not going to be praying for sex with Liz Sherman anymore." "What?" "And I also prayed that you and I could be friends again and that Liz Sherman would have sex with you." "Excuse me?" "That is really beautiful, man." "Well, yeah, I mean, you're the one who's had a crush on her since sixth grade." "You hear that?" "Now you have your prayers and his." "Thanks, man." "I thought about what you said." "I suppose it is a start, huh?" "Hey, guys, check it out." "I had my friends back, but I could never really know if it was because of my prayers or not." "I guess in the final analysis, praying doesn't always give us exactly what we ask for, but at least sometimes it gives us what we need most." "Ooh..." "On Christmas Eve, I think my mother was actually able to enjoy the Nativity play, and I think seeing Claire perform on stage gave my mother a moment of clarity," "almost like a revelation." "Is there no place I can go where I can have this child?" "Mom, it's just what I wanted!" "Oh, honey, you realize we're going to have to have a discussion about this that lasts about three years." "I figured." "Okay." "We all got a lot of great stuff, and for once a Tolchuck Christmas had something to do with ShopWorld and church." "My mom gave herself a present and decided that she was going to do things that were meaningful to her." "Well, I'm off to church." "Oh, let me change." "I'll come with." "What?" "I just like the singing." "And even though she probably didn't mean to," "Claire gave my mom a present that meant even more."