"______________ ." "NVEE ______________" "Before I start signing these, I need to thank somebody who's here tonight." "When I had her at State..." "Wait." "That didn't sound right." "I never had her." "Wanted her, but never had her." "What I meant to say was when I took her class at State," "I had the worst case of writer's block in the world." "All I had were terrible ideas." "I hated them all." "I was just about to drop the class when she said something to me that changed everything." "She said, "Terrible ideas are like playground scapegoats," ""given the right encouragement, they grow up to be geniuses."" "She told me to take one of my terrible ideas and work on it." "Well, I did." "Frances Mayes, who loves terrible ideas." " May I please French kiss you now?" " Yeah, go for it, William boy!" "Married, William." "Sorry." "Proud of me?" "Ridiculously." "Frances, these are amazing." "What did you do to them?" "Chocolate is timing, my friend." "The rest is magic." "Hey, Professor." "I am so thirsty." "Where's the wine?" "There." "Tom is one lucky bastard." "A literary wife who makes brownies?" "I swear, if you tell me you cook in the nude, I'll go home and kill myself." "Never in the nude." "Always in a thong." "Actually, if you knew Frances better, you'd know these brownies are a sign of avoidance." "Thanks." "You're welcome." "How's the novel going?" "Not so well." "But the procrastination, of course, is coming along fabulously." "Then soon it will breed abject self-loathing, and then I'll just become a writing machine." "It's her process." "What about Tom?" "How's his book going?" "Fine." "He's home writing right now." "You know Tom?" "I met him recently." "Sort of by coincidence." "The other coincidence is that you reviewed a book of mine." "I did?" "Did I like it?" "You didn't." "Well, I'm sorry." "I'm sure there were a lot of other critics who loved it." "And I really hope you didn't take it personally." "You called my lead character "unrealistic."" "I think that bad reviews should just be forgotten." "Give him a brownie." "And I would like to give you this brownie." "It comes in peace." "You said you just couldn't get interested in a novel where the protagonist was a middle-aged guy who spent all of his time living out his horny teenaged fantasies." "I just find that ironic." "Ironic?" "Why?" "Ask your husband." "What did he just say?" "Frances." "Frances?" "I've got some unfortunate news for you." "I just got off the phone with your husband's attorney and they're going to..." "They're going to pursue alimony." "How can we be talking about alimony when I hardly make enough money to..." "But you..." "You supported him during the marriage." "Yes, but while he was researching and writing his book." "I worked while he pretended to be." "Unfortunately, this is just about the math." "Well, he was having an affair." "California's a no-fault state." "His attorney indicated that your husband would prefer an alimony buyout." "Since you two were living rather modestly," "I don't think the numbers should be too bad." "They're probably talking about something like" "$200,000." "I don't have that kind of money." "Unfortunately, you do." "The house?" "Its value went through the roof since you bought it." "And renovated it, with my mother's money." "Well, it's all..." "It's all community property now." "So he gets half the house and alimony?" "Well, there's leeway in the numbers and we'll make all the arguments we can." "But there is a bargaining chip." "He wants the house." "He wants to keep living there?" "Yeah." "And if you let him have it, well, you could end up with a lot of money in your pocket." "I understand he wants it pretty badly." "Sorry." "This is so surreal." "Um..." "How..." "How would he even find the money to buy me out of my half?" "Oh..." "Oh." "Wow." "Apparently she likes the place." "It's near the right schools." "Schools." "She's..." "Wow." "You're gonna get over this." "You will, Frances." "Someday you're gonna be happy again." "Mm." "Right." "And the desk?" "The desk goes." "No." "The desk can stay." "The couch?" "Yes, please." "Vamos con la sofa, por favor, y de aprisa." "Wait a minute." "No." "The sofas can stay." "No, esperate." "Esperese para alla, por favor." "How about the chairs?" "They stay, too." "Actually, everything's going to stay except..." "Except those boxes over there, those three boxes with the books in them." "If you don't mind." "You're sure?" "Yeah." "The bedroom?" "No." "Kitchen?" "No." "Levantense los cartones, por favor." "So then we're done?" "We're done." "You gettin' a divorce?" "It shows?" "These are furnished short-term apartments." "That's all we get." "Your neighbor in 2B, he's an attorney." "His divorce has been draggin' on for three years." "Nice guy." "Gives free legal advice to the other tenants." "If his crying gets on your nerves, you just bang on the wall." "He'll stop." "Sorry." "The guy in the apartment above you is a doctor." "He hands out the sleeping pills." "What do you do?" "I'm a writer." "So you can help the others with their suicide notes." "Ah, you're one of those funny landlords." "Not really." "Well, here's your keys." "Have a good stay." "Thanks." "Home." "Ta-da!" "You start a marriage with cake and champagne, you should finish it that way, too." "The beginning and the end should be fun, fun, fun." "Too bad about those pesky years in the middle." "Sorry." "Make a wish." "Things got crazy at the hospital." "Hi." "You made it in time for the toast." "Bravo." "And it only took a year." "To freedom." "To freedom." "Thanks." "You're not drinking." "You're not drinking!" "Fifth time was a charm." "Oh, my God!" "Patti!" "When are you due?" "May." "May!" "Oh, my God." "I'm going to be an auntie!" "I'm going to be an auntie." "Yes." "It changes our plans a little bit." "Well, of course." "We were about to take a 1 0-day tour to romantic Tuscany, but I don't want Patti flying during her first trimester." "Small sacrifice." "So we decided to change our coach tickets into an upgraded ticket for you." "Oh..." "This is amazing." "Really generous." "Thank you." "But, no." "How can you say no to Tuscany?" "No." "Like that." "That's your depression speaking." "Well, it doesn't speak Italian." "It speaks a little high-school French." "Besides, I'm not depressed anymore." "Then what are you still doing living at Camp Divorce with all those losers?" "Be nice." "Those are my people." "That's not a place you live." "Guys, come on." "Thank you so much." "There is no way that I can go on a romantic tour of Tuscany right now, okay?" "I mean, I'm not ready to meet anyone." "Oh, you won't." "That we can assure you." "Oh?" "It's a gay tour of romantic Tuscany." "Oh." "So it would be very relaxing for you." "Mostly couples, no one would be there to hit on you or check you out, and you could just concentrate and listen to your own inner voice." "My inner voice." "My inner voice that would be saying," ""What the fuck am I doing on a gay tour of Tuscany?"" "Frances, it's Italy." "Italy." "Plus, you could use it as a time to start writing." "Well, I'm busy." "I have to review all those books, Patti." "Instead of working on your own book." "Wow." "Are you being mean, orjust hormonal?" "Okay." "Don't kill each other until I get back." "Can we please just talk about the baby?" "I think you're in danger." "Of?" "Of never recovering." "You know when you come across one of those empty-shell people, and you think, "What the hell happened to you?"" "Well, there came a time in each one of those lives where they were standing at a crossroads." "Crossroads." "God, that is so Oprah." "Someplace where they had to decide to turn left or right." "This is no time to be a chickenshit, Frances." "I'm not being a chickenshit, Patti." "I'm not." "Okay, just promise me you'll think about it." "I'll think about it." "Okay?" "I got a feelin' about you." "Are you lookin' for a place to stay?" "Yeah, I guess." "You gettin' a divorce?" "What?" "We got short-term apartments, but don't worry, some people stay for years." "We got a writer, we got a doctor..." "Hey!" "Sorry." "Sorry." "It's okay." "You wanna come over?" "No!" "Maybe later." ""Maybe later." Oh..." "Hello?" "Patti, when do I leave?" "Hi, everybody, I'm David." "This is your driver, Edoardo." "And you are gay and away." "And welcome to your first day of our romantic tour of Tuscany." "Now, I saw most of you all hobnobbing and getting to know each other on the plane, but I wanted to make extra sure that you've all met Frances." "Hey, Frances." "Now, Frances is straight..." "Aw and she just survived a terrible divorce, and according to her friend Patti, she really needs our support." "So, Frances, why don't you stand up and let everyone say hello?" "Come on, Frances, come on." "Hi." "Screw the bastard, Frances!" "Have some fun!" "Okay, everyone, follow the flower." "Good God, I can't believe it's raining!" "Sorry." "You're empty." "You need a little more?" "You want more wine?" "More vino?" "Excuse me, can a black gal get a drink up here?" "Yes, she can." "Frances, a little more?" "Thank you." "Buon giorno." "Uno buncho." "Un grappolo?" "Sono tremila." "What?" "Tremila." "Tremila..." "Grazie." "Buon giorno." "Pretty awesome, isn't it?" "Yes, I think you could say that." "Pretty awesome." "God." "How am I gonna get through all of these?" "I mean, how do you even begin to describe all of this?" "Well, if you have a pen, I could write it for you." "Are you a good writer?" "I used to be." "All right, well, have a go." "To my mom." "Dear Mom." "Dear Mom, it's market day in Cortona." "The piazza is an ongoing party, and everyone is invited." "Cliches converge at this navel of the world, you almost want to laugh." "But you can't help feeling that Italians" "Know more about having fun than we do." "I eat a hot grape from the market and the violet sweetness breaks open in my mouth." "It even smells purple." "I wish I could stay here longer, but the bell of the campanile reminds me of time." ""Ding-dang-dong," the bell says, instead of "Ding-dong."" "I wish you were here." "Love..." "Rodney." "Thanks." ""Even smells like purple"?" "My mom will never believe that I wrote this." "Keep it." ""'Ding-dang-dong,' goes the bell"!" "I'm sorry." ""Bramasole."" "Bramasole." "From "bramare," to yearn for, and "sole, " the sun." "It's a nice little villa." "Rather run-down, but redeemable." "Are you going to buy it?" "No!" "No, no, no." "I'm just a tourist." "Here for the day." "So?" "Well, I mean, who wouldn't want to buy a villa in Tuscany?" "But the way my life has been going, that'd be a terrible idea." "Terrible idea." "Don't you just love those?" "Sorry, everybody." "Unscheduled stop." "Oh, my God, sheep." "It's surreal, isn't it?" "Stop the bus." "Stop the bus." "What?" "Hello?" "Hello?" "Shit." "Oh, excuse me." "Oh, I'm sorry." "Mi scusi..." "Can I help you, signora?" "Yes." "I thought the house was for sale." "I didn't make an appointment." "The house is for sale." "But unfortunately someone is already buying it." "We like it very much and we'll buy it today." "Very good." "One moment, please." "Excuse me." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "I'm afraid there has been a change in the price." "It is now 20 million lire more expensive." "Why?" "It didn't get more valuable in the last five minutes." "The contessa feels that she has asked too little, since you have agreed to buy it." "That logic is absurd!" "Excuse me?" "What is the price?" "Are you bidding against us?" "Wait." "We accept the new price." "The contessa says that since there is so much interest in the house, the price is now double." " Since the last 1 0 seconds." " Normale." "You greedy Americans." "You think you are so entitled." "You ruin everything." "A lot of us feel really badly about that." "Is it really double the price?" "Il prezzo e veramente il doppio?" "Si." "I can't pay double the price." "But please tell the contessa that this is what I got from my house recently, in dollars." "Ha venduto la sua casa per questa cifra." "Minus the work on the place, hammers, buckets," "men, chocolate." "And a rental car to drive off a cliff when this turns out to have been a terrible mistake." "That's what I can pay." "Signora, you've not even seen the house." "Well..." "Well, I..." "I can't go back to San Francisco." "No." "I'm sorry, signora." "The contessa's family have lived here for generations, so understandably it is very difficult for her to sell." "Money is not the only issue." "She needs..." "Un segno di Dio." "Un segno." "A sign." "I understand." "I believe in signs, too." "Well, thank you." "Thank you." "Prego." "Oh..." "Please..." "Grazie, Dio!" "ll segno, il segno!" "What'd she say?" "San Francesco ti ringrazio." "In Italy, what happened to you just now is a very good sign." "It is?" "Yes." "First we open an account for you." "Then you transfer the money." "Here is the legal description of the land, two oxen, two days." "I'm sorry?" "It's old-fashioned." "The legal description." "The land is measured by how long it would take two oxen to plow it." "That makes sense." "Just like that?" "Before I've filled out all the forms or the money's been transferred?" "It's a house, not a Vespa." "What are you going to do, steal it?" "Besides, Signor Martini likes you." "Okay." "We'll take care of the rest later." "Normale." "Normale?" "Normale." "Normale." "I have bought a house in a foreign country." "A house and the land it takes two oxen two days to plow." "Not having a plow or an ox, I'll have to take their word on that." "Buyer's remorse is a very common affliction among new homeowners." "Just because you have an acid stomach and a sudden urge to weep, that doesn't mean you've made a mistake." "Everybody Knows old houses have their quirks." "Especially 300-year-old houses." "I have inherited 10,000 empty wine bottles, one grape, every issue of La Nazione printed in 1958 and assorted previous tenants." "Urrh!" "Aarh!" "The trick to overcoming buyer's remorse is to have a plan." "pick one room and make it yours." "Go slowly through the house." "Be polite." "Introduce yourself so it can introduce itself to you." "You did what?" "Frances bought a house in Tuscany!" "And you're gonna live there?" "Alone?" "I'm not there alone, I'm there with bugs." "Eww!" "How's the belly?" "It's growing." "It's good." "God, I can't believe you did this." "Did you already sign?" "Yes." "Why?" "Uh..." "What, you think I shouldn't have?" "Are you telling me I made a mistake?" "I don't know." "Did you?" "Well, I don't know." "You're the one who made the" ""empty-shell person standing at the crossroads" speech." "Oh, yeah, that was me." "Okay." "Wow!" "So you bought a villa in Tuscany." "What's the place like?" "It needs a little work." "Well, who's gonna do it?" "I am." "You are?" "I never realized you were so handy." "I can do things, you know." "Remember I fixed that drain." "In your kitchen?" "No, that was me." "I handed you the rubber thingy." "The plunger?" "That was Tom." "I can't believe it." "Why, why did you just say his name?" "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry, I forgot." "I'm sorry." " I can make this work." "You know?" "Of course I didn't mean I was gonna do all the work myself." "I'm in Italy." "I can hire the muscular descendants of Roman gods to do the heavy lifting." "Yeah, right." "Just supervise, tell them what to do." "So have you met him yet?" "Uh..." "Who?" "The guy you're gonna meet." "Patti, please." "You know what, it's starting to rain here a little bit, so I think I have to go now." "Wait, Fran..." "I want you to kiss the belly for me, okay?" "Fran, I..." "Bye-bye." "Can you star-69 Italy?" "No." "I'm gonna try." "Hello?" "Okay." "One, one thousand..." "Two..." "Arh!" "Jesus!" "Okay..." "Stop it!" "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God!" "You're gonna be okay." "You're safe here." "Just don't fly around, okay?" "You'll freak me out." "Signora?" "Signora Mayes?" "Buon giorno." "I see you have survived the storm." "I'm alive." "But the..." "The washing machine is dead." "Yes." "It was electrocuted." "I'm happy to see that you were not." "You..." "You came to check on me?" "You are meeting the contractors today and I came to help you." "I believe one of them is already here." "Here?" "Downstairs." "Oh..." "He's here." "I was hoping to take this wall down, turn these two small rooms into one big room." "Oh, wonderful." "You should have been an architect." "You have excellent taste." "So, do you think it can be done?" "Heating pipes, a week." "The bathrooms, three days." "Signora, give me the keys of this place and in one month I will give you back the keys to your palace." "Just..." "Just leave it to me." "San Melchiorre dei carpentieri, qui crolla tutto!" "Boom, boom, boom!" "Oh..." "Andiamo." "Feci io questo lavoro." "Era anni fa, eh..." "He says he fixed it himself many years ago." "Really?" "Oh." "You wanna see the rest of the house?" "Okay." "Yes, yes." "Oh, ma non e possibile." "Eh, lo deve rifare questo muro." "He suggests that you rebuild the wall." "E importante per la struttura del giardino." "It is important for the structure of the garden." "C'ho la squadra giusta, ora li chiamo." "He has a team of experts." "Buon giorno." "Hello, miss." "We are not Italian." "We are from Polonia." "Poland?" "Do you all speak English?" "Only me." "And only a little." "I am Pawel." "Pawel." "Nice to meet you." "Buon giorno." "Jerzy." "Jerzy." "Hello." "Zbignew." "Zbignew." "Frances." "What do you think of Nino?" "I know his mother." "If he does a bad job, it's..." "Well, then..." "Okay, yes." "Okay, yes?" "Yes." "Yes." "Okay." "Yes." "See, Frances?" "No problem." "Nino?" "Oh, God!" "Run!" "Okay." "Yes." "Kurwa mac!" ""Kurwa mac" means "holy shit" in Polish." "I learned that that day." "The fact that I'm trying to speak Polish in Italy is just one of the many surprises around here." "Is he a licensed electrician?" "No, he's a licensed literatura professor." "Oh." "Czeslaw Milosz." "I like him, Czeslaw Milosz." "It is only natural that getting to Know people should take some time." "Every day I watch for the old man with the flowers." "And I wonder." "Was he born here?" "Did he love someone here?" "Did he lose someone here?" "He doesn't seem as curious about me, but that's all right." "These days I'm something of a loner myself." "I'm pretty good at staying entertained." "Mostly, I like to hang out at a little bar I know, conveniently located in my backyard." "Fortunately, there are some things here you just can't do alone." "It's my neighbor Placido who's teaching me about olives." "Today is okay." "But never pick when is wet, eh?" "These look good." "Oh." "Oh, my God." "Papa?" "Si?" "Okay." "Chiara?" "Si?" "Okay." "Ciao." "Si." "Grazie." "Francesca, are you busy tonight?" "No." "Then come to dinner." "It's unhealthy to eat alone." "Is she okay?" "Of course." "She's fine." "Well, are we celebrating something in particular tonight?" "Gratitude to the saints for saving us from droughts, mad dogs and glandular disorders." "Katherine!" "A new hat." "You like it?" "I suppose it wasn't such a terrible idea after all, buying the villa." "Are you up there all alone, no lord and master, no consort?" "No." "Do you have one?" "One?" "Hah!" "I knew this would happen." "Remember?" "Don't blame me." "I told him not to get her that computer." "She got an email lover." "You see?" "From Ecuador!" "Finally, she had to tell him her age, and now..." "I'm so sorry." "Amore." "Si." "Terribile, eh?" "Si." "Nubile?" "Hm?" "Come si dice in inglese?" "Celibe?" "Celibe..." "Celibate?" "Celibate?" "No." "I mean..." "Well, actually, I have to admit it has been a while." "Celibe in Italian means single." "He's not asking when you last had sex, he's asking whether or not you're married." "Thank you." "No, I'm not." "He is." "Oh, my God." "I feel like such an idiot." "Don't." "Flirting's a ritual in Italy." "Just enjoy it." "Taste this." "It's gorgeous." "Mm." "How do you do it?" "Do what?" "This." "Well, hats make me happy." "And ice cream." "Ice cream changed my fate." "It was because of ice cream that my beloved Fefe discovered me." "Fefe?" "Il Maestro." "Who?" "Federico, darling." "Fellini?" "He discovered me in the Piazza Navona with my parents, eating an ice cream." "I was gobbling it down, letting it run all over my chin, because I was very hungry." ""Do you like ice cream?" he asked me." "I didn't know who he was." "I was 1 6." ""You are my imagination come to life," he told me." "He wasn't just a great director, he gave great advice." "I'm listening." "Fefe said you have to live spherically, in many directions." "Never lose your childish enthusiasm and things will come your way." "So now I was getting posthumous advice from Il Maestro." "And I tried to follow it by pulling ivy spherically and with childish enthusiasm." "Oh, my God." "Niente qui." "Niente." "Not here." "Could you look under the bed?" "Could you look under the pillow?" "No, it's a joke." "Maybe he moved out already." "Snakes are famous for changing their minds." "What am I doing here all by myself?" "Don't you think it's strange?" "Me, in this big house?" "Excuse me." "I'm sorry." "You are cold, Signora Mayes." "Thank you." "Do you know what the most surprising thing about divorce is?" "It doesn't actually kill you." "Like a bullet to the heart or a head-on car wreck." "It should." "When someone you've promised to cherish till death do you part says, "I never loved you," it should kill you instantly." "You shouldn't have to wake up day after day after something like that, trying to understand how in the world you didn't know." "The light just never went on, you know." "I must've known, of course, but I was too scared to see the truth." "And fearjust makes you so stupid." "No, it's not stupid, Signora Mayes." "L'amore e cieco." "Love is blind." "Yeah, we have that saying, too." "Everybody has that saying, because it's true everywhere." "I don't wanna be blind anymore." "This house has three bedrooms." "What if there's never anyone to sleep in them?" "And the kitchen, what if there's never anyone to cook for?" "I do, I wake up in the middle of the night thinking "You idiot, you..." ""You're the stupidest woman in the world," ""you bought a house for a life you don't even have."" "Why did you do it, then?" "Because I'm sick of being afraid all the time and because I still want things." "I want a wedding in this house and I want a family in this house." "Signora, between Austria and Italy there is a section of the Alps called the Semmering." "It is an impossibly steep, very high part of the mountains." "They built a train track over these Alps to connect Vienna and Venice." "They built these tracks even before there was a train in existence that could make the trip." "They built it because they knew someday the train would come." "I think your snake has gone for the evening." "Yes, I think you're right." "Signora, please, don't be so sad." "If you continue like this, I will be forced to make love to you." "And I've never been unfaithful to my wife." "Yeah." "Buona notte, signora." "Buona notte, Signor Martini." "E grazie per tutto." "Prego." "A train track through the Alps before there was a train." "Signor Martini wants me to have faith, something I've never been good at and now I'm even worse at since last year." "Not that I don't want faith." "I'm jealous of the believers." "But as a fallen-away Methodist," "I do not expect to emerge from all of this a Catholic." "Although, I admit some interiorjuggling is going on." "To my surprise, I have become friendly with Mary." "I thinK it started the night she stood by me through the storm, knowing full well l'm not a Catholic." "Yet somehow she seems more like" "Mary my favorite aunt than Santa Maria." "Aunt Mary is everywhere here, her calm presence assuring us that all things will go on as they have before." "Buon Natale." "Buon Natale." "This is my wife, Clara." "My son." "My daughter, Stella." "Stella." "Buon Natale." "Bellissima." "What a beautiful family." "Wow." "I thought I might see you, so I have a small gift for you." "It is San Lorenzo." "He is the patron saint of cooks." "Apparently he was martyred on a grill and seared until he said, "Oh, turn me over, I'm done on this side."" "No!" "So now he is the favorite saint of chefs." "I think if you pray to him, he will help you find someone to cook for." "Thank you, Signor Martini." "Merry Christmas, Signora Mayes." "Buon Natale." "Ciao." "Myprayers to San Lorenzo were quickly answered." "I realized I already had someone to cook for." "Plenty of someones." "Bravo!" "Bravo!" "Bravo!" "Riusciro, riuscirai, riuscira, riusciremo, riuscirete, riusciranno." "Good." "See, Frances?" "Italian is easy." "Have you talked to her yet?" "Si." "I have talked to her." "Why don't you go sit next to her?" "Go on." "Okay." "Katherine?" "Francesca!" "Come up." "I'm having my portrait painted." "Katherine?" "Come through." "I'm in here." "Oh..." "I think I'll come back another time." "Why?" "You don't bother me." "Frances, this is Zeus." "He's an art student from Macedonia." "He's staying with me while he's studying the Tuscan light." "More vino, darling." "He's not bad." "He's not good, either." "Look, I'm going to go, but I'll come back another time." "Oh, you're so boring!" "What?" "I said you're boring." "Look at you." "You're sad." "Again!" "You're like a big black hole." "Excuse me, but I..." "Fefe always said, "Regrets are a waste of time."" ""They're the past crippling you in the present."" "I just..." "I just got here." "I just walked in the door." "How are you ever going to be happy if you keep wallowing?" "Listen." "When I was a little girl, I used to spend hours looking for ladybugs." "Finally, I'd just give up and fall asleep in the grass." "When I woke up, they were crawling all over me." "So?" "So, go work on your house and forget about it." "I said go!" "I'm going!" "Work on the house and forget about it." "Gee, why hadn't I thought of that?" "There comes a time in every remodeler's life when one just doesn't want any more helpful advice." "There comes a time when you no longer want shaky guys staring at you, thinking God knows what, whispering things in Polish you're really, really glad you don't understand." ""Kocham ciebie," "Nie rozumiem..."" "I mean, there's only so much of that you can take before there comes a time when you reallyjust have to get out." "Mamma mia!" "Signorina." "Great." "Hilarious." "Bye." "You are American, eh?" "English?" "Irish?" "There you are." "I've been looking for you everywhere." "You said you were gonna meet me." "I've been looking for you for 20 minutes." "What am I gonna do with you?" "Wait." "Who are you?" "I'm sorry." "Mi scusi, eh?" "Thank you." "Wait." "You just kissed me and now you are going?" "Yes." "I'm sorry." "Okay." "You are too late." "I'm sorry?" "I have already found somebody else." "My loss." "I was wondering if you'd help me." "I'm trying to find an antique store that sells replacement parts for a chandelier." "Chandelier..." "Vetreria..." "Vetreria." "Vetreria." "Yes." "Via della Chiesa Nuova." "Si, Via della Chiesa Nuova." "Si." "You know it?" "No." "But I know where there is another store." "My cousin owns one." "Your cousin owns a vetreria?" "Yes." "Antiques." "Is it far?" "About three hours." "Two, if I drive fast." "Two hours?" "Okay, one, if I drive really, really, really fast." "That's very nice, but thank you, no." "I know." "You think maybe I'm just trying to pull you up." "Pull me up?" "Pick me up." "Pick me up." "Yes, there is that chance." "But you are the one who grab me and pretend I'm your husband." "You are probably one of those crazy American women like Charlie's Angels, and maybe you are going to kung fu me in the head and steal my car." "But I'm willing to take the chance." "You're willing." "What is your name?" "Marcello." "Of course it is." "Eh, va bbuo, a ssorate, va!" "Do traffic lights mean anything around here?" "Sure." "Green light, avanti, avanti." "Avanti." "Yellow light, decoration." "And what about red lights?" "Just a suggestion." "He says he doesn't have it." "Why am I not surprised?" "This is your bar." "We are a family." "I work here." "And I sleep there, above my cousin's antique store." "Damme no poco de limoncello, va." "Did you ever taste this?" "What is that?" "It's limoncello." "We made this." "You made it?" "Yeah." "We take the lemon and we take off the skin of the lemon, and we put in the bottle with three-quarter of alcohol and one-quarter of sugar." "Mm-hm." "And, um..." "And you put the skin of the lemon in the bottle and you leave it until it is the right color." "And, um..." "And I forget the rest." "But just try it." "Do you like it?" "I like it." "My nephew." "Yes." "Hello." "Well, hello!" "Hello." "Ciao." "Ciao, piccolino." "Cosa?" "Veramente?" "No." "What?" "He says, "Take me home with you."" "He does, does he?" "Esattamente." "Ciao, piccolo." "Ciao, ciao." "I run into you in the street in Rome and..." "And now we're here and..." "Didn't you have some plans today?" "Didn't you have something you had to do?" "So what?" "If you smash into something good, you should hold on until it's time to let go." "And now's not the time?" "Not in my opinion, no." "You have beautiful eyes, Francesca." "I wish I could swim inside them." "What?" "No, it's just..." "That's exactly what American women think Italian men say." "I can't..." "Thank you." "Marcello, I'm sorry." "I'm so sorry." "I'm sorry." "I..." "I'm really nervous, you know?" "I was married for a long time, and since then there hasn't been anybody." "Would you like to help me change that?" "You are asking me to sleep with you?" "Yes." "Hm." "That is exactly the kind of thing we Italian men think American women say." "Yeah." "You honor me with your offer." "Francesca." "Yes?" "I'm going to make love all over you." "Okay." "Mamma mia." "Che bella spalla." "What is spalla?" "Shoulder." "And what do you call this?" "La gola." "La gola." "Mm-hm." "And this?" "Il capezzolo." "Il capezzolo." "And this?" "Esausto." "Exhausted?" "Exhausted." "At least, for the next five minutes." "Okay." "Okay." "Me, too." "It's terrible that you bought a villa in Cortona." "Why?" "Because it's not in Positano." "And I am." "You have to promise to come back here." "Promise me." "When?" "Can you come this weekend?" "Well, I think so." "You think so?" "Mm." "You think so?" "Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Thank you." "Thank you." "I knew it!" "I knew it!" "I knew it!" "Whoo!" "I've still got it." "I've still got it." "I've still got it!" "Thank God!" "Oh, yeah." "Buon giorno." "Do I still look sad to you?" "No." "Ladybugs, Katherine." "Lots and lots of ladybugs." "Lovely." "When do you see him again?" "Tomorrow." "What..." "What..." "I would have told you I was coming, but you would've talked me out of flying." "Look at you!" "God damn it, Frances." "Hi." "What?" "I gotta go pee!" "You must be so exhausted." "See this?" "They tell me there's a baby in there." "Big old baby." "In there." "Right now." "I'm with you." "Oh, jeez..." "So, what's it like having one of these in Cortona?" "I hear the town midwife's pretty good." "She puts a knife under the bed." "To cut the pain." "Florence is an hour away." "You're gonna be delivering this baby in a hospital gown designed by Armani." "She ran out on me." "She said she realized she didn't wanna be a mother after all." "Oh, Jesus, Frances!" "How do you do it?" "How do you ever breathe again?" "Pretty soon." "God, I missed you." "Marcello..." "I really think I'd better stay here." "I'm sorry." "How about next weekend?" "Okay, well, how about the one after that?" "No, of course I understand." "I won't forget you." "I think a lot about you, too." "Okay." "Well, until then..." "Bye." "There's something strange about these trees." "It's like they know." "And they know that we know that they know." "They're creepy." "Creepy Italian trees." "The baby's gonna like them 'cause he's gonna be a creepy Italian baby who goes around saying, "Ciao, Mamma, "" "and doing that backward hand-wave thing." "Life is strange." "Where were you going when I arrived?" "Nowhere important." "What's he like?" "He's a creepy Italian." "So go see him." "I will." "I wanna spend time with my creepy American friend." "I refuse to screw up your love life." "Don't be ridiculous, Patti." "You are my love life." "Frances?" "Can you come up here, please?" "There's hot water in the toilet bowl." "Oh, my God." "That's close to boiling." "They must've crossed a pipe somewhere." "Oh, God, this is really bad, isn't it?" "Well, it's not good." "Unless you wanna give your ass a facial." "That's a contradiction in terms." "I guess it'd be more of an ass-cial." "Oh..." "Okay, let's go." "Come, come, come, come." " I'm sorry, Frances!" " Sorry!" "We have nowhere else to go to be together." "What does that make me?" "St. Francesca, patron saint of horny teenagers?" "Pawel, you were doing it in my bed!" "I don't even do it in my bed!" "Please, Francesca, help us." "My father don't let us see each other, because he is not Italian." "Maybe it's because he thinks you're young and you shouldn't be..." "It's because I am Polish." "It will be terrible if we are not together." "Diventeremo pazzi I'uno senza i'altro." "Pawel ha detto che lui commettera qualcosa di terribile!" "Ha detto che diventera un assassino!" "Ho provato a parlagli ma non vuole ascoltarmi e non vuole capire..." "Assassinate..." "Did you say assassinate?" "Did she say that you were going to assassinate somebody?" "No." "She misunderstand." "I didn't say..." "Amore, I didn't say assassino." "I said I'm going to "ask Nino."" "For money, to help us get married." ""Ask Nino."" "I didn't understand." "Married?" "You barely understand what the other one is saying." "We are in love." "And I go with him this weekend." "To the flag-throwing festival." "I am going to throw the flag." "Throw the flag?" "Why?" "Because I can do it as good as any Italian man, that's why." "And her father will see." "Francesca?" "Francesca?" "My father!" "Francesca." "Placido, hi." "My daughter says you are taking her to the festa in Montepulciano." "This is true?" "Just a moment, please." "I told him you are taking me there so he will stay home." "I don't want to lie to your father." "Oh, come on, Frances." "Who cares?" "Frances..." "If I am not with her, I will die of a broken heart." "You won't die." "Isn't it great?" "There he is!" "These are straight men." "In tights." "Twirling flags." "Fantastic." "Yeah." "This is it." "He is fantastic!" "Fantastico!" "Whoo!" "Yay!" "Bravo!" "Pawel!" "I love you!" "Pawel!" "Scusi..." "Pawel!" "Easy..." "Easy, easy." "Scusi." "I threw the flag." "Si, amore." "They're fine." "Let's go." "What is it about love that makes us so stupid?" "Take the old man with the flowers." "Same deal every day." "I mean, enough already." "Why can't he just let it go and get over it?" "Francesca, you see my daughter." "She seems so different." "Really?" "Chiara is not herself." "Oh." "Maybe..." "Do you know what's bothering her?" "Placido, I don't know." "Hey, Frances, look." "You can see Bramasole from here." "See?" "Thank you." "It's Marcello." "Oh, my God!" "Wait a minute..." "What's he doing?" "Don't go!" "Where are you going?" "What are you..." "Patti!" "Marcello!" "Marcello!" "Marcello!" "Arh..." "Wait!" "Marcello!" "We tried you on your cell, but you were in a dead zone." "I cannot believe that you let him leave." "He said he couldn't wait." "Couldn't wait?" "Why couldn't he wait?" "He was on his way to Arezzo." "He was nearby and he thought he'd take a shot." "He was very disappointed, okay?" "You've got a snail in your ear." "Good." "Really?" "No!" "Get it out." "He left you a note." "Hold still." "He's going north." "For a couple of weeks!" "My God." "He had a dream about me in a white dress." "A white dress?" "Holy shit." "Damn it, Patti, why didn't you make him wait?" "I mean, come on, you're a tough dyke, you know?" "You could've tied him to a chair, you could've crippled him!" "You could've faked labor, at least!" "I wouldn't have had to fake it." "Ten fingers, 1 0 toes." "I commend you on a classic choice." "What's her name, Mom?" "Alexandra." "Alessandra... ln Italian, the literal translation of "to give birth,"" ""dare alla luce"" "is "to give to the light."" "Alessandra..." "Welcome to the light." "Yes!" "Big day!" "Hello, sweetheart." "Alessandra." "Alessandra." "Okay..." "You're so cute, you're so cute!" "Frances?" "We are finished." "Poland." "Dziekuje." "Come back soon." "I'll cook for you." "Pawel, you, too?" "Chiara is waiting." "Patti?" "You wanna come with me to town?" "We could bring the baby and..." "I have to buy a white dress." "Grazie." "Prego, signorina." "Eccoci." "Grazie." "Marcello!" "Francesca!" "Wait there." "I'm coming down." "Francesca." "Look how beautiful you are." "It's incredible to see you." "Every time we made plans, it didn't happen." "So this time I thought I'll just surprise you." "I am surprised." "What..." "What brings you to Positano?" "What brings me to Positano!" "What brings me to Positano?" "Marcello!" "Wow, I..." "I came at a bad time." "Francesca, wait." "Wait." "Wait." "I'm sorry you're hurt." "But what did you expect?" "What did I expect?" "You came to Bramasole." "You left that note." "I thought..." "I thought that you..." "Just a minute, just a minute." "Months ago, we had a beautiful affair." "And if you think I wanted more of you after that, you're right." "Because I did, of course." "You are a fantastic woman, Francesca." "But we were never able to come together again, even though we tried." "And this sort of thing must come naturally." "I told you." "There was my friend, and she was going to have a baby..." "There were many, many other things." "Important things you had to do." "And you couldn't wait." "Right?" "Don't worry, Francesca." "Don't worry." "There is nothing to regret." "Do you regret this?" "No." "There is someone for you, Francesca." "Goodbye." "Francesca." "What's going on here?" "She is Sylvia in La Dolce Vita." "She's very good, actually." "Is she drunk?" "I hope so." "You know, in La Dolce Vita he goes in and he gets her." "Mastroianni." "He goes in and he fishes her out." "Katherine." "Thank you." "Do you think I make a good Sylvia?" "You were wonderful." "Here." "I see Zeus has gone." "Back to Mount Olympus." "I'm so sorry." "Don't be." "I'm fine now." "There's nothing like a fountain and a magnum of French champagne to put you right again." "Really?" "What do you think?" "Oh..." "You know who I really love the most from all the films?" "Cabiria." "You remember at the end, when another man has left her in the most terrible way, and she thinks it's all over for her?" "Then she sees some children playing in the street, making music, and before she knows it, she's smiling again." "That's what Fefe always said," ""No matter what happens," ""always keep your childish innocence." ""It's the most important thing."" "You're back?" "What happened?" "How did it go with Marcello?" "I don't wanna talk about it." "Chiara's here." "She's upset." "She's out in the garden talking with Pawel." "I can't..." "I can't talk about it now." "Fran..." "Stupid." "Stupid." "Stupid, stupid, stupid!" "Stupid!" "What more can I do?" "Babbo?" "I want to ask your permission to marry your daughter." "Che cosa?" "It's nice, but it's out of the question." "I have come here to ask your permission to marry your daughter." "I will love her forever, and I know that I will make her happy." "All young men say this." "Sometimes it's true." "Never." "Never?" "What about you two?" "Don't be ridiculous." "I hate him half of the time." "Placido?" "Don't you want Chiara to be happy in love?" "Happy, happy..." "Happy is about a lot of things." "It's not just about young passion." "This doesn't last, Chiara." "And when it's over, what you will have left is nothing." "He has nothing to offer you." "I have everything to offer her." "Everything." "Pawel, let's go." "Chiara!" "Wait." "Won't you give your blessing?" "What if this is it?" "The real thing." "A love that lasts forever." "What you describe is only in fairy tales." "No, it's not." "And how do you know?" "From personal experience?" "No." "I looked for it and I didn't find it." "But that doesn't mean it doesn't exist." "That's exactly what it means." "No one has had it." "Mamma!" "Mamma, Mamma!" "He has no family!" "That's not true." "He has me." "I am his family." "O Signore, santifica I'amore di questi sposi." "L'anello che porteranno quale simbolo di fedelta li richiami continuamente al vicendevole amore." "Per Cristo nostro Signore." "Chiara, ricevi questo anello, segno del mio amore e mia fedelta." "Nel nome del Padre, e del Figlio, e dello Spirito Santo." "Pawel, ricevi questo anello, simbolo del mio amore e della mia fedelta." "Nel nome del Padre, del Figlio, e dello Spirito Santo." "ll corpo di Cristo." "Amen." "ll corpo di Cristo." "Amen." "ll sangue di Cristo." "Amen." "ll sangue di Cristo." "Amen." "Okay, yes." "Okay." "Grazie." "Mi raccomando, eh?" "Mamma!" "Bacio!" "Bacio!" "Bacio!" "Bacio!" "What are you thinking?" "What do I think?" "Hm..." "Tell me." "I think you got your wish." "My wish?" "That day we looked for your snake, you said to me that you wanted there to be a wedding here." "Yeah." "And you said you wanted there to be a family here." "You're right." "I got my wish." "I got everything that I asked for." "Scusa..." "lo busco escribiri Americani aqui..." "Tu sai?" "You are looking for the American writer who lives here." "And you've found her." "If you don't mind, I'll just..." "There." "It was crawling on you." "A ladybug." "Ha..." "Do I, um..." "Do I know you?" "Not really." "You reviewed one of my books once." "Did I like it?" "Not very much." "No, no." "Don't worry." "It was by far the very best bad review I've ever received." "You're kidding." "I'm not." "It helped me get to my next book." "Anyway, I've been traveling around Tuscany." "Someone said that you lived up here, and..." "I'm Ed." "Hi." "Hi." "Hi." "I'm Frances." "Hi." "Hi." "There's a wedding going on." "This isn't your wedding, though." "That would have been unfortunate." "They say they built the train tracks over the Alps between Vienna and Venice before there was a train that could make the trip." "They built it anyway." "They knew one day the train would come." "Any arbitrary turning along the way, and I would be elsewhere, I would be different." "What are four walls, anyway?" "They are what they contain." "The house protects the dreamer." "Unthinkably good things can happen, even late in the game." "It's such a surprise."