"#When you fall in love with someone" "# Who doesn't love you" "# Someone who treats you so badly" "# It rubberfies your head" "# Someone who doesn't want you, but won't let you go" "# Someone who thinks you're crazy and tells you so over and over" "# If this happens to you, you'd be better off dead" "# You might be surprised to learn how often it can happen" "# It's never fair, but boy does it hurt" "# When you fall in love with someone who doesn't love you" "# That treats you like you was dirt" "# Forget your foolish dreams and schemes that things will work out" "# What d'you see?" "." "Yes, a loser like me" "# Someone who'd be better off... #" "(TV) Next, you want to take your beans," "I use borlotti or haricot," "Same difference." "I have to say I adore haricot," "And then you want your fllaked tuna," " Flaked?" ".!" "." " Crumbling in beautiflully," "Tuna is such a great dish," "# Geraldine" "# You and me" "# Pilchards for tea.... (DOORBELL) # Knickers round your knees... #" "Hello?" "." " Stuart?" "." "Let me in!" " What's up?" "." "Eileen threw me out, said she couldn't stand it." ""You're obsessive," she said!" ""Please stop writing everything down." Can you believe that?" ".!" "What else?" "." "Oh, yeah." "She started to scream and I couldn't spell that." "Right." "Rest here and get your head together." "Oh, yeah." "Oh, yeah." "How are you feeling now?" "." "You can't kip here." "I'm on a promise with Geraldine." "Stuart!" "I'm a desperate man." "I nearly jumped under a bus tonight." " My God!" "What happened?" "." " N-N-Nothing." "I waited ages for the 77B, then I thought, "If I jump, Eileen will kill me!"" "Let me stay." "I won't make any noise." "Geraldine will." "I tell you something, Lee:" "once I hit my stride, she'll show her appreciation in no uncertain terms." "You won't even know I'm here, Stu." "Get real, Lee!" "I'm there, riding the pony." "What'll you be doing?" "." "Mostly?" "." " Please, Stu." " If only you'd given me a bit of warning." "Eileen never gave me any warning." "She just gave me a packed suitcase." "It's different when YOU want something." "When Wendy kicked you out, who put you up in the boxroom?" "." "..All right, Lee." "Thank you, Stuart." "You really are such a..." "I'm not going in there!" "You...you can't put me in here!" "I'm not a Hoover, you know!" "What am I supposed to do in a cupboard?" "." "Read this." " Wickes catalogue?" ".!" " It's a classic." "If you prefer science fiction, read the meter." "Stu...!" "I can't see anything!" "I can't see!" "Stu, I suffer from claustrophobia and arachnophobia and technophobia and photophobia...!" "Be quiet, or I'll be suffering from no-home-ophobia!" "Here." "The landlady doesn't like overnight visitors." "If that old bag..." "What about YOUR visitor, the one that shouts?" ".!" " Geraldine's different." " Why?" "." "She IS the landlady." "No, Stu...!" "That's nice, innit (?" ") Come round my house, you get treated like a king." "You get the boxroom." "Come round your house, you get a cupboard." ""Anything you need, Lee." Thank you very much!" "What...?" "." "(HISSING)" "(LOUDER HISSING)" "Stuart!" "(SIRENS BLARE)" "That place is a fire hazard." "I knew it was as soon as the house went up!" "You're the fire hazard, not it." "That house survived two worlds wars, Zeppelin raids, the Luftwaffe." "You turn up for five minutes - Hiroshima!" "You gave me the candles." " I had it all sorted out in there." " You were lucky I turned up." "Lucky?" ".!" "The place is a dump, an accident waiting to happen." " Did you see the state of that pipe?" "." " No!" "I've got it here." "Dodgy flange!" "I reckon I could fix that." "I'll give you a dodgy flange!" "(GLASS SMASHES, CAR ALARM BLARES)" " Get in the car." " Huh?" "." " Get in the car!" " All right!" "(STUART SNORES)" "I can't bear it!" "I should've threw meself under that bus." "Still thinking about Eileen?" "." "I'm thinking about your feet." "You're melting my face!" "Can't you put your shoes on?" ".!" "No." "Like all great athletes, I suffer with my feet." "No, I suffer with your feet." "You don't want one of them, you want a canary!" "Can't we at least open a window?" "." " It's chilly!" " I can't breathe!" "It's footy!" " No!" " Sit down!" "God!" "Haven't you any Odour Eaters?" "." "I can stick one up each nostril!" " It's your fault we're here." " I won't be here much longer." " Eileen'll come crawling back..." " Lee!" " You're a bloody pyromaniac." " It was an accident." " You knew the fireman." " Just coincidence." "I don't mean nodding acquaintance." "You knew his son's GCSE results." " How often have you called him out?" "." " Excluding the wedding, hardly ever." "On Eileen's 30th, he came round to put the cake out." "He doesn't always come round to us." "We went round to him for a surprise barbecue." "A surprise barbecue?" ".!" "It was meant to be Sunday dinner, but I tripped." "That wasn't my fault." "Oh, no (!" ") It couldn't be your fault that I'm homeless and missing my babe!" " "Babe"?" ".!" "Geraldine, babe?" ".!" " What d'you mean by that?" "." "Well, it's just to do with her... being slightly on the mature side..." "So?" ".!" "Well, there's mature, like, say, Carol Vorderman..." "Yeah?" ".!" " There's MA-ture, like Barbara Windsor." " Yes...?" "." "But Geraldine's nosing into Queen Mother country." "Shut your face!" "I'm going to sleep." "Good." "So am I." "What's that?" ".!" "I do not believe it." "I've been looking for that all week." "You are disgusting." "I know now why Wendy threw you out." " What?" ".!" " Look at it in here!" "Come nine o'clock tomorrow, I'll be straight down the flat agents." "Good, 'cause you're not sharing my penthouse." "I'll be miles away from you and your feet!" "Nine o'clock tomorrow." "Good." "Definitely." "Good night!" "Good night!" "PHRRRT!" "I think I'll make that 8.30." "That would be your room, next to mine." "Think it over." "Right." " Well?" "." " Sorry?" "." "What d'you think?" "." "I mean, if it helps, we could go upstairs again." " I think I've seen enough." " You haven't tried out my sofa yet." "It's very well hung...sprung!" "Come on, don't be shy." "There you are." "If you move in, we'll be spending a lot of time on here!" "Nice chinos." "You must work out." "So, there's one thing I must make absolutely clear." " Yes?" "." " The thing is, you're a man, aren't you?" "." "An attractive, single man." "Well, I'm single, yes." "Ha!" "(MANIC LAUGH)" "Yes, and I'm a young, unattached woman, and there will be times, for instance, coming out of the bathroom unexpectedly deshabille..." " What?" "." " Not dressed." "Or after a difficult day, relaxing in the sitting room, a few glasses of Pinot Grigot wreaking their magic, the fireside crackling, Barry White and his LOVE Orchestra." "I know how these things happen." "I'm very understanding." "Yes..." "What we are talking about here is unbridled, brazen... tenancy." "Oh!" "I just didn't want us to have any misunderstandings." "Right, yes." "Cheers." "It is nice, this Pinot Grigot, isn't it?" "." "I wouldn't have banged on the door." "That sounds like you're selling two lighters for a pound." "I like to give a little tap." "And then after an hour when no one answers?" "." "Well, then, I..." "Oi!" "Oi!" "Don't you touch that door." "That's mine." "Look and learn." "Don't even think about it!" "Hello." "Oh." "The drains are round the back." "Madam, I'm here to tell you your flat has gone." "I'm your new tenant." " Did the agent send you?" "." " Indeed he did." "You'd better come in...for a minute!" " Have you got your particulars?" "." " Yes." "Very nice." "Oh." "I prefer the Blue Lady, but, you know..." "No, you can't sit there." "No!" "That's for tenants only." "So sod off." "(Sit down." "Sit down!" ")" "I see you went to Eton, Oxford and Sandhurst." "That is correct." " He's delivered manure everywhere!" " Thank you (!" ")" "I no longer deliver fertiliser." "I now flog double glazing, don't you know?" "." ""I now flog double glazing"?" ".!" "Would you like a sweetie while I talk to your father?" "." "Oh, yes, thank..." "He's not my father!" "I'm 36!" "I'm not a child, you know!" "He just acts like one." "That's why his wife chucked him." "How thrilling." " Was it very traumatic?" "." " I'm on pills for me nerves." "I take one in the morning and one about...now!" "I use an anti-stress patch." "My homeopath recommended it just before his heart attack." "Try one." "Thanks." "What do you take these for?" "." "Well, my darling Hugo, he, well, he left me on New Year's Eve." "He was the only one I could talk to." "We did everything together, we went everywhere, and then, just before Big Ben, he walked out and didn't come back." "I still keep his collar." "When's your birthday?" "." "20th of January, but don't get me anything." "I don't wanna get into presents." "I buy the wrong things." "..OOH!" "You're on the cusp." "I'm sorry, I didn't realise." "Aquarius and Capricorn - one foot in fire and one foot in water." " I feel like a fireman!" " That is so lucky." "Well, I don't feel very lucky." "Like he said, Eileen threw me out and I lost another job." "Thrilling!" "Did you go into an officey-type place and slave away?" "." " It was a factory." " Oh, my God!" "I've seen them in old films." "Fascinating." "Was it hard?" "." "We know so little about them." "There ought to be programmes!" "I hate to butt in, but I'd like to see the room." "After all, I'm the one with the career!" " Upstairs, is it?" "." " Yes." "Wait a minute." "I'll show you." "Don't, er, please don't touch anything." "Oh, no, everything's fine." " Don't touch a thing!" " No, I...won't." "Excuse...excuse me!" "Oh." "Excuse..." "Picture." "(Stu!" "Stu!" "(Stuey!" ")" "Bloody hell!" " What are you doing?" "." " I was, er... just taking the fish for a walk." "Well, they've had a good run." "(LEE) The fish were all right, that's the main thing." "Oh, good." "They were a bit upset, that's only natural." "Of course." "That picture was too big." "If that fell on you..." "That's how my auntie died, in a bombing raid." "A picture fell on her?" "." "No, a bomb." "..Really?" "." "Let's concentrate on finding a flat for you." "Can you describe what you're looking for?" "." "Let's be different - oblong." "OK." "Could you be more specific?" "." "Yes, I'd like it high, but not too high." "About there." "No, lower, 'cause I'm scared of heights, but not low-low 'cause of floods, or burglars, or both!" " Yes, well..." " Some might be strong swimmers." "Must have windows, but not ones you can fall out, but I'm not too fussy." "Oh, good." "Well, your income - do you receive a regular wage?" "." "Oh, yes, yes, definitely, yes, sometimes." "Once in a blue moon." " Oh..." "I'm a musician." "I occasionally write tunes for mobile phones." " Oh..." " Here's one of mine." "(BUZZING)" "I-I-I don't recognise that one." "It's a vibrating one." " Is that all right up there?" "." "I can check..." " It's fine!" "I think I've got just the flat." "No fish tank, no heavy pictures, no lift." " Electric cooker?" "." " Gas." " Oh, no." " No?" "." "Oh." "No, no, no, no, no." "What I'm looking for is a penthouse overlooking the river, indoor pool, sauna, a couple of Page 3 stunners living next door." "I'll pay up to 25 quid a week." "25...?" ".!" "Mr Ponder, the minimum rent is £400 a month!" "£400 a month?" ".!" "A minute ago you told me it was £100 a week!" "Look, I flog double glazing seven nights a week, except Saturdays, when I knock out karaoke machines." "Cut the cack and show me the good stuff." " Good stuff?" "." " The flats you keep for your mates." " I've shown you everything!" " I don't think so." "What have you got in your bottom drawer?" "." "Bottom drawer?" ".!" "Oh, yes, well..." " I thought so!" " Take these and don't come back." "We have sent you large numbers of suitable tenants." "They were not suitable." " What about Mr Henderson?" "." " He ran away." "I want one who stays." "Well, we did send you 19 female applicants." "Are you calling me a lesbian?" "." " What?" ".!" " Call yourself a letting agency?" "." "My cheques are bouncing, the bailiffs have pillaged my lounge and my thrush has come back!" "That's hardly my fault!" "Well, the thrush isn't, but the other two are!" "Don't make me abase myself, squirm in a misery of shame!" "If you won't save me, I'll take my business elsewhere!" "Really?" ".!" " Goodbye, then." " What?" "." "Take your business elsewhere." "I can't!" "You don't know what suffering is." "I think I do!" "I simply want to offer warmth and shelter to another human being." " Miss Ornshaw..." " All right!" "I'm...poor!" "There." "I've said it." "Happy now?" "." "Give you a sadistic kick, did it?" "." "Got Bosnian blood coursing through your veins, have you?" ".!" "Please, I implore you, find me a lodger!" "Miss Ornshaw, there may be people interested, but if you keep ringing me up, no one else can get through!" "(HE GASPS AND PANTS)" "It's not as bad as you think." " Is it not?" "." " That bathroom was a deathtrap." "Look at me!" "Angel of the North!" "I know this may seem a little odd to you..." "No, my blood pressure's just..." "I've got some pills..." "Yes, I wanna see that one." "Have you got it?" "." "Thank you." "Sorry, sorry." "I'm SO sorry." "I think it needs bleeding." " Well, the plumber fixed the flood." " The flood?" "." "I was checking the toilet when I slipped and fell into this." "It's dangerous to leave soap lying around." "I saw this programme - "Death in the Home"." "Soap was top of the list." "Mrs Hargreaves went hysterical." " Hysterical?" "." " She was having a bath." "The plumber would've cut it off, but there was an emergency." "Emergency...?" "." "When he pulled this off, there was a slight leak." "Well, f-f...flood." "Mrs Hargreaves said you look after the flat, so there's a bit of work for you." "(MOBILE PHONE RINGS) That's one of mine!" "Miss Ornshaw, would you please get off the line?" ".!" "I think I've got a flat just right for you." "Really?" ".!" "Now, this is only a temporary arrangement." "Absolutely." "I mean, Eileen'll have me back, anyway." " I might be getting married soon." " Oh, yeah?" "." "All it takes is one wrong number." " I do have a few house rules." " Oh...?" "." " Visitors." " Visitors...?" "." "All callers must visit between 11 a. m. and 11 p.m." "That's 12 hours a day." "I don't know that many people." "And, er, rent." "Surprise!" "Now, have you thought about it?" "." "Your way, you get one rent and one tenant." "My way, you get the same rent, but double the tenants." " All right." "We'll give it a go!" " That calls for a celebration." " You do the honours, Lee." " Yes, yes." "Er..." " To our fantastic new home." " (BOTH) Our fantastic new home." "(CORK RICOCHETS)" " Cheers." " Cheers."