"Jamie!" "Jamie, wait!" "Oh, my God!" "OK, hold on." "Hold on." " What's happening?" " I have to..." "I have to take this in." "You don't understand." "I have been waiting through Danica Schwartz and Erica Weiss and the Handelman twins." "I have been waiting through Heather Greenblatt," "Annie Mincus, Karen Pincus, and Lisa Katz." "And Stacey Rosen, Ellen Kaplan," "Julie Silver, and Janie Stein." "I've had Shabbus dinners on Friday nights, with every Shapiro in Washington Heights!" "Baby, I..." "I'm so sorry." "I can't stay this weekend." "I have this stupid Random House thing, it's tomorrow." "I couldn't get out." "I'm so sorry, sweetheart." "I know." "Yeah, um..." "See, the thing is," "I tried to get a plane ticket for tomorrow, but the only ones available were for tonight." "So, um, you know, I can come back on Monday if you want." "Yeah, hello?" "Yeah, this is Jamie Wellerstein." "Oh, OK." "Sure." "Wait, who?" "Who told you?" "Wait, wait, you..." "you read my manuscript?" "But how did you..." "Oh, oh, yeah, Professor Adler." "No, no, no, no, that's... that's great!" "That's, uh... that's..." "That is really..." "It's a second draft, you know." "It's... it's a work in progress, it's getting there, though." "I'm sorry, who..." "Random House read it?" "Oh, my... that's, um..." "That's great." "That's..." "Holy shit!" "I'm sorry, um, that's..." "no, no, no, no, no!" "No, no." "No." "OK." "Yes." "Yes." "Yes, I'm 23." "I'm..." "No, I didn't finish, but whatever." "That's, uh..." "Yes, I can meet you." "Uh, New York." "Yes, I'm in New York." "Yeah, I live here." "OK." "Yes." "I mean, I can come today." "Great." "Great." "Great." "Great." "Great." "Oh, my God." "Uh, OK." "Yes, I will see you there." "I am so so looking..." "looking forward to meeting you, Ms. Whitfield." "OK." "OK." "OK, Linda." "We're like friends, Linda." "Uh, OK, great." "That's... that's fine." "OK, bye." "What?" "!" " Hi." "" " I was thinking about what you said." " Let's move in together." "  Really?" "!" " Jamie, what happened?" " I'll tell you later, all right?" "Just find an apartment, and I love you." "I..." "Jamie..." "Jamie, wait!" "Hey, Mike, it's Cathy." "Uh, yeah, how are you?" "Um, yeah, no, just two quick things." "I'm not going to talk your ear off." "Uh..." "I just wanted to know if you got the reviews that I sent you from last summer?" "Thank you." "Yeah, it's really exciting." "Um, no, the second thing was just if you have anything you want to send me in on," "I'm sort of suddenly..." "free this summer," "I'm, like, available, so..." "Um..." "Yes." "Yeah, as soon as I'm doing something in the city, I'll let you know." "Uh-huh." "Uh..." "OK." "No, no, no, no, I understand." "OK, thanks." "That wasn't..." "that wasn't too painful, was it?" "Right." "OK." "Um..." "OK." "Bye, Mike." "OK, ladies." "Uh..." "Mariah, Taylor, Rachel," "Lauren and Sophia." "Follow me to the dance audition." "And everyone else, thank you very much." " Hi, can I help you?" " Yes, hi." "I'm looking for Alise Michaels." " Mr. Wellerstein." " Yes." "Hey, I'm Dade, Alise's assistant." " Let me show you the way." " Oh, great." " Hi." " Hello." "Hi." "Jamie." " Jamie Wellerstein." " Alise Michaels." "It is an absolute pleasure to meet you." " Wow, this is great." " Have a seat." "Would you like a glass of water?" "Yes." "Thank you so much for having me." "Everyone in the office is absolutely thrilled to meet you." "Everybody has been so nice, from just walking in the door." " Everyone is a huge fan of the book." "" " This is beautiful." " I've never been this high up." " It's a great office." "Thank you." "That's great." "Thank you." "Hey." "How are you doing, babe?" "You did..." "Not a very good day at the bar, huh?" "I'm sorry." "Did you at least, uh, get some good tips?" " Get any, uh..." " Shit!" " Oh." "You look really nice." "Hey, uh, are you working on anything tonight?" " Like what?" " You know, your photos?" "The dress?" "Like..." "Don't you have an audition or something later this week that you need to get ready for?" " I'm not going." " Why?" "Because, I'm not going to get it." "Oh, come on, did you call your agent or anything?" " He's on a retreat." " Retreat?" "What the hell is an agent retreat?" "I don't know." "They go into the woods and sacrifice actresses to breed more agents." " That's frightening, Cathy." " I don't make them do it." "Hey, no, look, I have prepared a little surprise for you in the form of the story." " No, baby, please." " Come on." " No, I've had such a shitty day." " No, listen..." "I've literally been doing this for hours, so you're going to sit up for, like, five minutes and listen, OK?" "You know, if I had known there were going to be this many stories," " I wouldn't have ever dated a writer." " Well, too late." "You're going to like it." "I promise." "It's a Christmas story." "You like Christmas." "I call it the Story of Schmuel, the Tailor of Klimovich." " It's a magical clock." " I've never been more attracted to you." "Oh, look at the time." "It's time to go." "Why do all my things have to come into this?" "Pretty good, right?" " Thank you." " That's pretty long, but it was fun." "Oh, it's not over yet." "Sorry, I'm Schmuel in this story!" "?" " Oh, yeah." " I'm not the girl from Odessa?" "Come on." "Hi." "God..." "Wow." " I love you." " Wayne." "Oh, my God!" "Aw, baby, I love you." "Thank you." "Are you kidding me?" "Every other woman in the world suddenly finds you attractive." "Well, that's not true." "It only affects the kind of women you always wanted to sleep with." "But they wouldn't give you the time of day before." "And now they're banging down your door, and falling to their knees." "At least that's what it feels like because you can not touch them!" "In fact, you can't even look at them." "eating your corned beef sandwich." "And all of a sudden, this pair of breasts walks by and smiles at you and you're like  "That's not fair."" "And I have to say that what exacerbates the problem is I'm at these parties, I'm the center of attention." "I'm the grand fromage." "And here she comes." ""Let's get a cup of coffee." "Will you look at my manuscript?"" "And I'm showing her my left hand, I'm gesticulating with my left hand." "And then whoa!" "There's Cathy!" "Because she knows." "They always know." "And there's that really awkward moment where I try to show I wasn't encouraging this." "Which of course I was." "And I don't want to look whipped in front of this woman, which is dumb, I shouldn't care what she thinks, since I can't touch her anyway!" "Hi, Mr. Wellerstein." "I'll let Alise know you're here." " That was lovely." " Really great." " Thank you." " Thank you." "OK." "No, it went really, really well." "Yeah." "No, I think I got it." "I mean, I hope." "Yeah." "It's off Broadway, so..." "Please, God, no more Ohio." "Um, I don't where I'm walking, actually." " You have to come find me." "OK." "Thank you." "Thanks." "That's great." "Thank you." "Thank you very much." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Thanks very much." "He touched the wall and decided he had had enough." "He was exhausted, first of all, and he could feel it:" "his lungs were throbbing and heavy, and his left arm was stinging from the shoulder right down to his wrist." "Besides that, seven laps in and the water was still freezing cold, and if he wanted to be honest about it, he felt foolish." "A ghost-pale graceless thing flapping about frantically, desperately trying to keep pace with the mermaid in the next lane." "He watched her." "He watched her back stretching, watched how she seemed to ride the water." "He didn't recognize the fierceness in her brow..." "Her clenched jaw, her sharp turns away from him." ""You don't have to let me win," she had been screaming, but he couldn't hear it at all." " Ouch." " I'm so proud of you!" "Beautiful." "From Random House, David." " Oh, David." " And Kathryn Marrow." "And this is his agent, Mrs. Whitfield." "Hello." "A pleasure to meet you." "Hello, hello." "A pleasure to meet you." "Wasn't he wonderful?" " And I've been to every one of them." "And the same thing happens, I'm basically your waitress for the evening," "I'm bringing you drinks." "I get asked if I'm your publicist, because everybody asks me to take pictures of you on their phone, and these people, they ask me the same things every time." ""How did you and Jamie meet?" "What's Jamie like?"" "Baby, I'm so sorry they ask you the same questions." "No one would notice if I didn't go." "You beg me to go and you abandon me and I stand by the bar all night and I'm drinking!" "I'm holding my purse and I'm waiting for somebody to come talk to me." " You certainly don't talk to me!" " Stop it!" "Stop it!" "Stop it!" "God, just stop and listen to me!" "Can we, for just two minutes, have a conversation without you contradicting everything I say?" "Two minutes!" "And then fine, you can say whatever you want." "OK, look, there are people..." "And they are publishing my book." "And there's a party that they are throwing." "And while you've made it very clear that you're not going," "And that's done." "Baby..." "Baby, just... just please, put on your dress, and we'll go to this stupid party." "And we..." "Can you just do that for me, Cathy, please?" "Cathy?" "Where are you going?" "Cathy?" "Cathy?" "!" "Cathy!" "Stop!" " You know they're gonna love me." " They will." "Come on." "Hello, Mr. Hiatt." "Uh, may I please have pre-marital sex with your daughter?" "Thank you." " Oh, my God!" "Ugh." " Ow!" " Please just drive." "Please just drive!"