"JACK:" "Samantha," "I need to know once and for all, is this a phone?" "Not now, Doug." "I'm trying to smell my belly button." "We've been over this." "It smells like Fritos." "All I want to talk about is this table, which is my favorite table!" "I love it more than any table in here." "Me, too!" "In fact, I will trade you this ring for the table!" "Jack, this took a very dark turn." "Yeah, I'm gonna wrap this up." "Um..." "Everything's fine." "I love you." "I'm just leaving to go masturbate." " Saved it." " [chuckles]" "Why do you always end these things with someone saying "I'm gonna go masturbate"?" "It's the universal exit line, dummy." "Works every time." "You guys have a problem." "I'm gonna change the keg." " And then go masturbate." " You see?" "Every time." "Hey, so I hope that dinner party wasn't too boring for you." "No, it was fine." "You have so many accomplished friends." "A professor, a billionaire, a movie star." "Was the Skipper out of town?" "So when do I get to meet and make jokes about your friends?" "What about Eddie?" "You can hit him for his dumb laugh, his half-removed "No Fear" tattoo, his gross bar I take you to on every date." "EDDIE:" "You guys aren't as quiet as you think you are." "Hey, I mean it." "If I wasn't such a cool girlfriend," "I'd start to think you weren't that serious about us." "I am serious about us." "I have these three friends." "They're from a different generation, so they can be a handful, but we have grown surprisingly close." "I would love for you to meet them." "JACK:" "This is Connie, Ken and Gary Jr." "Jack..." "I did my hair for this." "And Gary Jr. thinks you look lovely." "How can you even tell them apart?" "Wow." "Racist." "I get it." "This is important to you." "Friday I will have some human friends over, and you can meet them." "Great!" "I can't wait." "Okay." "Now check this out." "See the marble?" "It's right under there, right?" "[laughs] Right under there." "See?" "Right under there." "Is it there?" "Nope." "[eagle screeches]" "♪ ♪ [phone ringing]" "Well, I'm bummed that you can't make it to my party, Kev." "And I would love to drive out and hear even more about the snack politics at your kid's preschool." "Unfortunately, I have a terminal disease, and this will be our last conversation." "[phone beeps]" "What is up with our old crew?" "You've been gone 15 years." "People move on." "What about all your explorer buddies?" "They're out exploring." "I mean, except for Roland." "He's getting a colonoscopy." "Which, I guess, is its own form of exploration." "You know, somebody's got to be around." "What about the dude you climbed K2 with..." "Rob?" "He's one of your best friends." "Was." "He died while trying to conquer Machu Picchu." "Wow, that is sad." "Killed by a Pokémon." "What about the base jumper..." "Keith?" "Also dead." "Trampled at Pamplona." "Running of the bulls?" "No." "Black Friday sale." "[chuckles] So wait." "Two of your best friends have been killed in freaky accidents." "Two?" "No, five." "You're forgetting about Dennis, Chet and Mitch." "Dennis and Chet were in the chairlift that fell on Mitch." "So all of your best friends have been killed in weird, freaky accidents?" "Well, all of them except for you, my very best friend." "Hey." "Don't even joke about that." "You know I'm superstitious." "Well, if there is a curse clearly... clearly..." "Ending the lives of my good friends, then who am I gonna invite over to impress Rachel?" "Well, you could always ask... your work pals." "That's good advice, Eddie." "That's why you're my very, very, very [whispers]: best friend." "Mason, you got a package." "I shook it." "It's not a cat." "Ah!" "Yet another gift from Bump Performance Gum for shamelessly plugging them on social media." "You hate Bump Performance Gum." "You said it tastes like an old watch battery." "MASON:" "What?" "What do you mean?" "I could chew these all day." "Witness." "Oh, man." "That's good stuff." "Hey, work people." "And..." "Dale Earnhardt Jr." "You all want to come over to my house for drinks tonight?" "Ugh, is this an intervention?" "Because I don't steal that much." "No." "Rachel just wanted to meet some of the important people in my life, and you guys are... you guys." "[laughs]:" "Yeah." "Wait." "Are you..." "You're actually asking us to come hang out at your place?" "Just for an hour, and there is one rule:" "You have to act normal." "[high-pitched squeal]" "It's finally happening!" "We're becoming friends!" "You ever, uh, regret a decision so quickly you get, like, this searing pain behind your eyes?" "Got it, got it, got it." "We're just work acquaintances." "I get it, Jack." "I know introducing us to your girlfriend is a big step, so Paul and I will be on hand to make a good impression." "And I'm supposed to go out with Greg tonight," " but I can bring him." " CLARK:" "No!" "Way!" "Guess I got to bring a date, too, then." "Oh, this puts ol' Clarky in a dilly of a pickle." "Which one of my many, many side pieces do I bring?" "No one say anything." "I want to see where this goes." "[gruff voice]:" "Who do I bring to Jack's party?" "There's Claudia, Stacey, Kristy, Dawn." "Are you just naming characters from The Baby-Sitters Club?" "No." "There's also Sarah," "Jessica, Parker..." "Man, this Bump is really amping me up." "I wonder how long I can hold my breath." "[inhales, exhales]" "Not long." "My heart got loud." "Okay." "You all have ten hours to get this weirdness out of your system in time for a brief, normal party." " Who's that for?" " Nobody." "I just wanted to be here when you said that, so now I'm technically invited." "There's a cat in here." "[all gasping]" "JACK:" "Eddie... [groans] These are still cold." "I told you to check the pilot light." "And I told you, your last remaining best friend isn't going anywhere near gas, sharp edges or planes with musicians on them." "Would you please get it together?" "I think Rachel and I have something special, and it would break my heart if I had to stop banging her." "You think I'm overreacting to your death curse?" "Just this morning, I found a weird lump on my chest." "Here." "You feel something?" "Yeah." "Deeply uncomfortable." "Oh." "That's how Jack wakes me up in the morning." "I swear, this is the weirdest thing you will see tonight." "Knock knock." "Gotcha." "I didn't knock." "I made that sound with my mouth." "BROOKE:" "Hi!" "You must be Rachel." "I'm Brooke, but you can call me girl." "[chuckles] You don't have to do any of that." "I'm Paul." "And of course, I come bearing gifts." "What would a party be without..." ""KY jelly"?" "Yep, Kentucky jelly." "Made with only the freshest huckleberries." "Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm." "With this stuff, you'll never have another dry biscuit." "We also brought a Hawaiian murder mystery game." """Death in Papahanaumokuakea""" "12 visitors say aloha, but one will be saying... aloha." "[knocking on door]" "Hey." "Rachel, this is Emma, our social media influencer, and Greg, who's dating our social media influencer." "Whoa!" "Inception." "I asked my parents what old people like, so I brought champagne and really warm socks." "Cool." "Not gonna lie, I kind of want to open both of those." " Eddie, do you mind?" " No, no way." "Every year, 47 people are killed by flying champagne corks." "And those are just the ones Big Champagne lets you hear about." "Hey, Jack." "What's up?" "Whoa, did you lose weight?" "Where's your girlfriend?" "Why are you sweating?" "I ran from work." "This Bump Gum is a miracle." "Is this ceiling too low for a backflip?" "This stuff is poison." "Each piece is loaded with caffeine, taurine, guarine, and something called rinnopunnus." "Yeah!" "Imitation rhino penis." "Hey, Rachel." "Mason." "Want a Bump?" "No?" "No one wants to do gum with me?" "I thought this was a party." "That's Mason." "Uh, he got bit by a wild animal." "Jack, it's fine." "Your friends all seem pretty... cool?" "Well, they're not all here yet, so..." "Oh." "Good evening, Jack." "It is an honor to be in your lovely abode." "Oh, and this fetching young lass must be Rachel." "Rachel, this is a shape-shifter that's taken the form of Clark." "Word on the street is you are a hard cheese lover, so we hope you find this Gouda as Gouda as we do. [chuckles]" "A huge block of cheese!" "This'll be great for hors d'oeuvres." "Or stopping an airplane from rolling away." "Clark, you seem surpri..." "Wait." "Wait, wait." "Did... did you say "we"?" "Everyone, this is the keeper of my heart," "Natasha." "[Russian accent]:" "Cluck, where is toilet?" "Mm." "I could just listen to this little birdie warble all night." "[laughs]" "There is only one way that couple makes sense, right?" "Definitely." "Clark brought a prostitute to the party." "Clark is packing some serious trouser heat." "We have got to get Clark's date out of here." "Well, we can't just chuck her out." "What if she's not a prostitute?" "Ah, I'm sure there's a much simpler solution." "Clark refurbished an old Soviet sex robot." "She did have a very firm handshake." " We should investigate." " Yeah, Scully." "So..." "How did you two meet?" "Yeah, mutual friend?" "Craigslist?" "Westworld prop department?" "It was fate." "I went to a hotel bar to drown my sorrows for having one too many side pieces to choose from, when this Siberian snow angel just floated into my life." "[chuckles] [whispers]:" "She's into me." "Oh." "Natasha, so, what were you doing all dolled up in a hotel bar in the middle of the day?" "I am in town for medical conference." "Oh, I'm a doctor, too." "What's your specialty?" "How do you say..." "I make sad men feel better." "Psychiatry?" "Rachel, you have barely spoken to Mason." "[chuckles]" "So why start now?" "[chuckles]" "CLARK:" "Well..." "Tosh and I should do a party lap." "Hope Emma doesn't get too embarrassed when she realizes my date is hotter and stronger than hers." "[chuckles]" "Look, she says she's a doctor, but I think she's a prostitute." "Can you find out?" "Yeah, I had that suspicion, too." "Hey, Rachel!" "You..." "No!" "Not Rachel." "Natasha." "Oh, right, of course." "Rachel's a class act." "Oh, keep her away from Rachel." "And don't tell Clark;" "he seems oblivious." "Let him dream." "Natasha, can I ask you a medical question?" "Yes, but in back room." "Most of my clients prefer privacy." "She keeps saying the things that work for either profession." "I know you brought Natasha just to make Emma feel jealous." "Or to kill us all with her laser boobs." "Oh, my God, you're right." "[mouths]:" "Help me." "I'll deal with Natasha." "Look, if you like Emma, you need to show her you're better than Greg." "Right." "I'm gonna go destroy that guy." "Yo, Greg." "Nice sweater." "What, did you mom get that for you?" "Uh, yeah, it was a Christmas present." "No way!" "My mom got me this just because." "[both laugh]" "Moms are the best, right?" "Oh, totally." "I know one thing they're better than." "BOTH:" "Dads!" "[both gasp]" "So, what are you guys talking about?" "Brooke was just telling me about the time you two had sex." "[laughs]" "Excuse us." "Everything's fine." "You're having fun." "You're supposed to be helping me." "Yes, I know." "I'm sorry." "I was looking for things we had in common, and she doesn't like Thai food." "And sex with me was the second thing you tried?" "I was flustered, okay?" "I mean, who doesn't like Thai food?" "That's it, you're being reassigned." "Talk to Mason before he discovers the bongo drums." "MASON:" "Oh, bongo drums!" "Go!" "Go, go, go, go, go!" "Just out of curiosity, how many of the breasts at this party have you touched?" "Five." "Look, my friends are just really nervous to meet you, but once you get to know them," "I think you'll see that they're..." "A horrible crime has been committed!" "...a pretty normal bunch." "Someone threw my murder mystery game in the trash and ruined it." "Hey, you and that guy are tunnel buddies." "There are four prime suspects." "Jack, who said," ""A murder mystery game sounds stupid."" "Emma, who said," ""A murder mystery game sounds stupid."" "Mason, who said, "What's that?" "I don't care." "I'm a bird."" "And Clark, who said," ""Even pretend murder is too scary."" "Pretend murder is too scary." "I know, right?" "Hey, this is gonna sound weird, but do you maybe want to..." "Go jump on Jack's bed?" "No, but yes!" "[both giggle]" "Can you believe Greg is ditching me for Clark?" "Oh, geez." "Paul, hey." "Would you mind keeping Rachel company while I put out these fires?" "I'm on the case." "So... so, so, so, so." "Brooke and Jack had sex once." "Bad news: your death curse is real." "Natasha thinks I should have this lump examined." "Oh, fantastic." "So she is a real doctor?" "Oh, no, she's a hooker." "Let's get her out of here before she gets anywhere near Rachel... damn it!" "I'm in sports medicine." "I do a lot of work with the Chicago Bulls." "All of them?" "Oof, I can only do three at a time." "Jack, I ran out of Bump." "Do you know a Bump guy?" "That's it." "Spit it out." "Look, Mason, you're a talented guy, but you do not need to promote junk to get free stuff." "Outdoor Limits does not employ whores." "Directly." "Jack, I need your help!" "Emma's mad at Greg for spending all of his time with me." "I feel terrible." "What do I do?" "Nothing." "You did it." "Somehow, you made Greg look bad in front of Emma just by being the sweet, selfless idiot that you are." "Emma and I got in a fight." "I think I'm gonna go." "We still on for laser tag?" " You know it!" " [whoops]" "All right, let's just get Natasha out of here so you're free to hang out with Emma." "Okay." "So, having a good time?" "Nope." "I'm still, uh, trying to process this news about you and Brooke." "Natasha just gave me her business card." "You've got some real interesting friends." "Oh, don't worry, we are not his friends." "What?" "Yeah, we are just his work acquaintances." "Trust me, his real friends are a lot cooler than us." " You are welcome." " What?" "No, Eddie's my friend." "He's my best friend." "No, I'm not!" "I don't even know the guy." "I want to live." "So, I asked to meet your friends, and you introduced me to your coworkers and a prostitute." "Whoa, Tosh, can you believe someone brought a prostitute to the party?" "[sighs] [raspy voice]:" "Oh, boy." "It seems like you're a little confused about who these people are to you and how serious you are about us." "So, why don't I give you a little time to figure it all out." "Oh, and, Paul," "I spilled wine on your cardboard volcano, so I threw out your game." "I'm sorry." "Well, mahalo for your honesty." "[Jack chuckles]" "Well, you did it." "The bar was set pretty low, but you found some shovels and tunneled right underneath." "This party is over." "Let's get this party started!" "Where's the bowl for these bad guys?" "Oh, no, Esther, it's not that kind of party." "Then why is Natasha here?" "I feel terrible." "I guess we'll just go home and tear through all this ourselves." "Guys, we got to fix this." "Why?" "He wouldn't even say we're his friends." "Jack barely spent any time with Rachel at the party because he was helping us solve our problems." "What was your problem?" "Um... irritable bowel syndrome." "BROOKE:" "It's true." "Jack's actually done a lot for all of us." "You think Jack helped you?" "That man saved my life." "Hi, I'm Mason." "And I've been clean for... coming up on 12 minutes." "Hi, Mason." "I was on the gum." "Hard." "Didn't even matter what flavor." "I was chewing just to chew." "Yeah, that's how gum works." "Guys, Jack would never tell us this, but... we are his friends." "Welcome to death row." "And the one time he asks us for help, we let him down." "So we need to make this right." "Because if there's one thing I know, it's that a group of people interfering in someone else's relationship always works out!" " Yeah!" " Yes!" "All three of your friends died in the chairlift accident?" "Well, there was actually four of them, but I didn't count Keith as a friend." "I find it hard to admit that" "I don't have a lot of friends around here." "CLARK:" "But that would be a lie, because I'm Jack Gordon and I have a lot of friends." "Oh, crap." "I'm Jack." "Look at my nostrils." "Even my brain is handsome." "And I'm Rachel." "And I'm a little confused right now." "No, I'm not." "You're stealing our thing where we talk as other couples." "And by the way, you're butchering it." "Rachel, you did meet my friends." "I'm just too stubborn to call them that." "[gasps] Glug, glug, glug, glug, glug." "[sighs]" "But I really do take us seriously." "I like you, Emma." " [whispers]:" "Rachel." " Rachel." " Oh, I like you, too." " Hmm." "Even though your friends are insane." "Except for Brooke." "She's right, I should try Thai food." "Yes, they are crazy, but knowing them, they feel really sorry for how they acted tonight." "Wow, they are trying really hard." "Oh, my God." "Jack, these people might actually be your friends." "No." "They're just a bunch of people I can't get rid of, who care way too much..." "Oh, my God, they are my friends!" "[high-pitched squealing]" "So tonight wasn't a lie!" "Yeah!" "It's just that the truth is totally sad!" "And now that I've met this sideshow, you can meet my real friends, not just the accomplished ones." "[chuckles] Wait till you meet crazy Cathy." "That bitch was on the news." "I can't wait." "All right, you guys." "Thank you so much." "Now, if you'll excuse us..." "BOTH:" "We have to go masturbate."