"ANNOUNCER (O.S.):" "Ladies and gentlemen, your hosts, Jonah Ray and Kumail Nanjiani!" "Stop." "Please stop." "Please stop it." "My calves are getting real sore." "You know more about this." "You're more of a" "Even though you have the physique of a-- What?" "What are you-- what are you talking about?" "Don't talk about my physique, Jonah." "Why?" "If you didn't want anyone to talk about it, you wouldn't work so hard on it." "Yeah, I just kind of want people to whisper about it when I" "Like, I just-- I just want to hear" "Hey, Ed, Ed Salazar?" "Shut up!" "Ed Salazar, can you get out here real quick?" "No!" "[JONAH] Ed, can you-- can you come out here?" "All right, just real quick, since we're showing off our muscles, Kumail." "Hey, Ed, you take off your shirt and Kumail will take off his shirt." "All right, Ed Salazar, everyone." "[KUMAIL] Thank you." "I feel like this crowd could hate me." "I feel like this crowd could really not be-- It's an early crowd." "in at all-- into it at all what I'm gonna do." "What?" "Yes, they will, you're funny." "You'll see what I do." "[BRODY] Uh-oh." "They're not gonna like it." "Let's have a contest." "Let's see, we'll go back and forth." "You name a sex term..." "Like a porn search thing." "And I'll say a Ninja Turtle villain... and we'll see who runs out." "Okay." "Okay." "Okay?" "I clearly am gonna win this." "Let's see." "All right." "I'll start." "Okay." "Baxter Stockman." "Missionary." "Be-Bop." "Doggy style." "Rock Steady." "Reverse Cowgirl." "Metalhead." "BBW." "Shredder." "Cuckold." "Mutagen Man." "Uh, two chicks, one dick." "Rat King." "Orgy." "Muckman." "Uh..." "Cleveland Steamer." "That sounds like a Ninja Turtle villain." "That does sound like a Ninja Turtle." "It's like, it's a guy, he's from Cleveland... mutagen, train, and now he's like a trained bad guy." "Yeah, but also, most like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles... those could also be sex acts." "Like Rock Steady..." "What's Rock Steady?" "That's just when you have the same rhythm all night long." "Okay." "Be-Bop." "That'd be-- That's like when you put on '50's music... and have her treat you like the pig you are." "Yeah." "Krag..." "Krang." "Krag is the sound you make when you ejaculate." "Like, "Krag!"" "Or like when people with a lot of piercings have sex." "Krang, Krang, Krang, Krang." "Depending on where the piercings are, though, that's Shredder." "Yeah, oh!" "Either one, you don't want a sex act called Shredder." "Metalhead is oral sex with someone with braces." "Sure." "Uh, oh, wait, so it could go the other way, too." "Uh, Reverse Cowgirl is uh... it's this girl that was in the rodeo that got infected with mutagen." "Yes." "And then part of her body turned the other way... and now she hates the Ninja Turtles." "What's that?" "Someone name" "Name a Ninja Turtle-- huh?" "[MAN] Rat King." "That's when you fuck on garbage cans." "Yeah." "Someone name like a sex term." "What?" "[MAN] Rim job." "Rim job." "Rim job." "That was a basketball player who got infected with some mutagen... and now he has the skin of a basketball." "Yeah." "and can bounce around doing crimes and licking buttholes." "Yes." "Yup... and he loves licking buttholes." "Yeah." "Name a Ninja Turtle villain." "[WOMAN] Foot." "Foot?" "Well, what do you think that is?" "Yeah." "All right, another sex act?" "[MAN] Bookaki." "Bookaki." "Bookaki." "That's a villain from the Orient, who-- who is constantly raiding the milk factory... until one day he combined with some mutagen and milk, and-- and four of his best friends." "Yeah." "You guys, are you ready for an awesome show?" "You ready for a show?" "Oh, it's your turn for go-- to go." "23?" "Yeah, way too young, and we were just like oh" "Well, I would so much rather listen to this." "Please welcome to the stage, John Mulaney!" "All right." "Thanks for the shot." "I'm sorry, I was indisposed, I'm sorry." "I'm sorry, I was indisposed." "Hi, I almost jinxed it out there." "Uh, because I have a mic on, and I had to pee." "And I-- that's-- peeing with a lavaliere on is now called Jinxing it." "And I went in to the bathroom and I was like, "I don't" "I was like, "This is so ridiculous."" "You behave differently now, in light of the Jinx." "I mean, you always dressed it up a little when you had a microphone on in the bathroom... but now you really have to be worried." "So the only thing I did differently, because I peed regular and stuff... and I didn't talk to myself at all." "But I washed my hands like loudly and traditionally... with lather and everything, being like, "The sound guy must think I'm the best."" "Real quick, before I get into anything." "Now that I'm thinking about it, the Jinx is my favorite show... ever that I hope doesn't win an Emmy." "Because no, for real, 'cause who's gonna win the Emmy?" "That Andrew Jarecki and the HBO people?" "I don't have this much venom for 'em... but all those people are gonna get up there and get an Emmy." "And who should get an Emmy?" "Our little friend, our dear friend Bobby the Jinx." "Should win every Emmy that's ever been invented." "He has been more-- this guy is so good at being on TV." "Did you see The Jinx?" "Did you see it, young girl?" "Did you see The Jinx?" "This guy-- this guy" "This guy killed three people and yet you'll watch it, young lady... and you'll go, "I like this guy."" "Why do I like this guy?" "How old are you?" "I'm 13." "You're 13?" "Perfect age." "You'll be sitting there, and you'll go, "Look at me, I'm 13, and I love this guy."" "Can I ask, what's your name?" "Lucy." "Lucy, that's great." "So I ask my wife, I was like, "Why do people keep marrying The Jinx?"" "And she went, "Oh, I get it."" "She said-- she goes, "He's so confidant."" "And Lucy, he is, confidence is the biggest currency we have, you know?" "None of this is prepared material, Lucy." "Because think about it, Lucy, no one in the O.J. Simpson trial won an Emmy." "From '94 to '95, you didn't need to watch any TV shows." "There was a thing called the O.J. Simpson trial." "It was the best thing that ever happened on TV ever." "It was a murder trial, sounds terrible, right?" "It was so goddamn entertaining." "These people delivered, everyone in that trial delivered." "They went up and they went, "What's your name?"" ""I'm Kato Kaelin."" "All right, here's the ball on the tee, and then he would knock it out of the park." "And there was a guy named Johnny Cochran, and this guy does not have an Emmy, he's dead." "He died-- he died without an Emmy." "And this was the most entertaining man." "You'd love him, Lucy." "This guy would put on a knit cap and goof around with the murder evidence." "Either one of two things happened, and we truly don't know." "Either O.J. Simpson murdered his wife, and then like took off a glove, and was like" "You know?" "Like threw it over his shoulder." "Was like, "Done with that glove."" "Either that-- either he threw away his glove... or a cop planted the glove." "Both very entertaining." "So O.J. had to try on the gloves in front of the jury, Lucy." "I know you all know this!" "I'm telling Lucy!" "And he gets up and he's like, "Oh, these are my gloves?"" "And he tries to put 'em on, and he goes" "He actually bit his tongue, go watch it." "It's on YouTube, I watched it..." "recently." "See, he's going like" "And then, he goes-- like" "There needs to be a special Emmy called the Kato." "There needs to be-- for entertainment outside the field of the performing arts." "You know what I was thinking about?" "None of the Beatles had moustaches... for years." "And then, one day..." "they all had moustaches." "So, like 1964, 1965, they're the Beatles, right?" "'66, it goes from black and white to color... and they're like, "Okay, give us a minute."" "We're gonna go think of something to do." "They disappear, and then they all come back with moustaches." "Imagine if the cast of Friends had taken a year off." "At the height, at the height" "They'd taken a year off and they went, "We'll be back."" "And it was like, "Oh, what do they have in store?"" "And then they all came back with moustaches." "Are you guys ready for more show?" "We got a good, amazing comedian." "Please, everyone, welcome Brent Weinbach." "Because I'm half-Filipino and half-Jewish... a lot of people ask me, "Who's Filipino... your mother or your father?"" "My name is Brent Weinbach." "You can tell a lot from a person's name." "Right?" "What's your name, sir?" "Matt." "Matt, what's your last name?" "Welch." "Matt Welch." "Matt Welch..." "Matt Welch in the house tonight." "Matt Welch, he come from the islands." "Matt Welch, big up, one love, grand lion, Reggaeton." "So your background is white." "Did you-- you saw that girl in the second row... the whole time you guys were on?" "Which girl?" "That little girl." "The 14-year-old?" "Yeah, she's like 11, 12, maybe." "You didn't see her?" "It makes it so much better." "We did-- our whole thing was about sex positions." "I know, I know." "That's why I was-- when I walked out, I was like..." ""Oh, I wonder if they-- meh--"" "She's here with her parents." "She's clearly 12." "She's 13, she's so little." "I lived in a foreign country for a whole year." "And in that time, I was able to learn the language... and I can now speak it fluently whenever I want to." "And during that entire time, I lived in England." "I never had the opportunity to perform stand-up comedy." "So tonight, I would like to perform stand-up comedy for you... in English." "And even if you don't speak the language... like all foreign comedy, you can still perhaps find humor in my facial expressions." "So, like, basically, um, I was with me mates, yeah?" "And we's doin' a game of chess, yeah?" "And me mate, he doesn't move, and he says, "Check, mate."" "But, it's clearly not checkmate, it's just check..." "So I's all like, "It's not checkmate, mate, it's just check."" "And me mate's all like, "Yeah, I know, mate..." ""I'm not saying checkmate, I'm saying check... mate."" "'Cause like, you's me mate, yeah?" "And I was all like, "Whah?"" "It's like, that's what I'm trying to tell you, mate, it's not checkmate, mate... it's just check, mate." "And he's all like, "Yeah, that's what I just said, mate." "I said, 'check, mate,' mate."" "And I was all like, "Whah?" "What do you mean check, mate, mate?"" "And he's all like, "Whah?"" "He's all, "I'm not saying check, mate, mate, mate."" "And I was all like, "Whah?" "What you mean, mate, mate, mate?"" "And he's all like, "Whah?"" "And I was all like, "Whah?"" "I was like, "It was well confusing."" "Okay, so, usually we host the show..." "Yes." "but we don't really do anything filthy." "No." "Also, there are always just grown-ups at the show." "It was-- don't look in that direction." "What are you trying to say?" "It was brought to my attention after we did... the filthiest thing we've ever done..." "Yeah." "where we comprehensively covered ever sex thing." "Yeah, but" "We covered every sex thing, beginning to end." "Yeah, huh?" "That there is... very close to the front..." "No." "a very young audience member." "In fact, some people would think that we saw a young audience member... and were like, "Let's break her brain."" "Oh, fuck." "I'm sorry, I am." "If we had seen you... we would not have done that and I'm really sorry." "If we had seen you, we wouldn't havebroken the law!" "This child-- There is a child." "She'll be fine, she's already heard some real filthy shit." "This-- this is disturbing, though." "Good." "That was mean." "Whatever." "She lives in the world." "World's disturbing, right?" "Well, you're gonna love this next act." "Please welcome to the stage, Gelmania!" "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen." "We are Gelmania." "Give a round of applause for yourselves." "You've been a wonderful audience this evening." "So much laughter, so much support... and I hope, oh, I hope, for your sake... you keep that laughter and support going for us." "Because if you don't... myself and my friend here... will see that as an act of disrespect." "And you'll leave here and you'll say..." ""Oh, Kumail and Jonah were great." ""John Mulaney was great, Brent Weinbach was great..." ""but that Gelmania, I don't know about that!"" "And you'll get in your nice car, and you'll drive home." "And we'll be driving behind you." "And you'll go into your nice, comfy home... turn the heat on, because this is a desert... and it gets cold at night." "You'll wash your face... and you'll snuggle up into your beds." "And then, you'll feel like someone's in the room with you." "And you'll wake up... and it'll be this face... staring right into yours." "And I'll do my whole set again." "And then..." "I'll kill you." "So keep the laughs coming, people!" "Keep 'em coming for your own very existences." "What-- is that Gelman?" "This is obviously Gelman." "Yeah, it's Gelman being insane." "We apologized to that 12-year-old girl, profusely." "You did?" "We apologized to her." "About what?" "What happened?" "Well, we didn't realize there was a 12-year-old girl-- 13." "13, in the second row." "Our opening bit was covering like every sex act." "( BELCHES ) Excuse me." "Like we talked about shit sex, and like butt sex... andperiod sex,like we talked about a lot of different kinds of sex." "It's so funny that you got quiet on period sex... when you started out with shit sex." "Shit sex." "Shit sex, butt sex,period sex." "For louder and rowdier shit sex." "I think-- You looked weird when it got awkward." "Yeah, you got quiet on a real thing people have... versus a thing that no one has ever." "Agh!" "Agh!" "My baby!" "My baby's dead!" "My baby's dead!" "Agh!" "Agh!" "Oh, my baby's dead!" "My baby's dead!" "Agh!" "Okay, you know what?" "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry, yeah, stop it, stop it." "I apologize." "I ap-- turn the rumble off!" "Turn the rumble off!" "I'm sorry, what am I doin' here, huh?" "You don't want to see this type of thing." "You know, there's a child in the audience." "You're concerned for her." "Right?" "This is terrible." "What's your name?" "Lucy." "Lucy, what do you think of what I just did?" "It was disturbing." "I know that there's a lot of comedy fans in the audience." "A lot of you want to do comedy... don't." "There's too many comedians, and let me tell you something... it's a dark road to tread upon... because yeah, you could be Jonah, you could be Kumail... you could be John, you could be Brent... you could be having a good time... but you could be me." "And you don't want to, Lucy!" "You don't want to!" "Thank you very much, everyone." "Thank you so much for watching the Meltdown, everybody." "[KUMAIL] Thank you guys, for coming out..." "[JONAH] And we bid you a good night." "...for taping." "[JONAH] Good night, Dorsey." "My friend thinks that you're the Tom Cruise of this generation." "Isn't Tom Cruise the Tom Cruise of this generation?" "No, but I don't know, it" "Tell your friend, she needs to... get out more."