"MAN:" "I'm going to tell you a story now." "But as any good storyteller knows, one must first be sure the audience is prepared." "Is everybody comfortably seated?" "Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" "Oh." "You, sir, in the back?" "Well, hold it in." "(LAUGHS)" "You ready?" "Here we go." "My name is Marty Bronson." "I owned and operated the Sunny Vista Motel, which I established on the corner of Sunset and La Cienega Boulevards in Los Angeles, California, in the year 1974." "The motel was my labor of love, and I ran it with the help of my children:" "Wendy..." "MARTY:" "Wendy, the key, please, for Mr. and Mrs. Dixon." "Thank you." "And Skeeter." "May I help you with your bags, Mr. and Mrs. Dixon?" " Yes, please." " Why, thank you, young man." "(GRUNTING)" "You, uh, need a hand?" "No, no." "I got it." "MR. DIXON:" "OK." "To my boy Skeeter, the motel was a wonderland." "Way too hyper." "The galaxy's not big enough for the both of us." "A magical place." "(CHATTER, LAUGHTER)" "Full of new adventures for a six-year-old boy." "(LAUGHS) Oh, Skeeter." "Come here." "Skeeter loved the old place as much as I did." "And he always tried to come up with ways to make it even better." "I've got a lot of ideas how to improve things around here." "I was thinking we could put an extra pair of socks in each room because people always forget to pack enough socks when they go on a trip." "That's a good idea." "Time for bed, I'm meeting with Mr. Nottingham." "Wait, Dad." "I'm not even tired." "Well, how about a bedtime story?" "Yay!" "Now, once upon a time, there was a little boy, and that little boy's name was Skeeter." "Well, I could tell a pretty fair tale when the muse was with me." "And making my little boy smile, now, that was truly magical." "Yeah, I was a pretty good dad and a pretty good host." "But unfortunately, a pretty bad businessman." "Can't you read the writing on the wall, Bronson?" "This motel is sinking in red ink... and I'm offering you the last lifeboat." "(SIGHS)" "I don't know." "NOTTHINGHAM:" "I've seen the books, Martin." "If you don't sell to me, you're going to go bankrupt." "Yes, well, I..." "I'd always hoped this place would be a home for my children." "NOTTINGHAM:" "How about this?" "If your boy works hard and shows some smarts when he grows up," "I'll let him run this place." "(SIGHS) You promise?" "Yes." "Now sign the bloody papers." "That's my boy, Bronson." "Trust me, I'm going to turn this place into the finest hotel in Los Angeles." "It's going to be uptight and out of sight." "And just like that, our modest little Sunny Vista Motel... metamorphosized into the mighty Sunny Vista Nottingham." "And for the past 25 years, it has been lovingly maintained by my now grown-up son," "Skeeter Bronson, the handyman." "Yes, though Mr. Nottingham's promise for Skeeter to run the place" " seems to have been forgotten..." " Hiya, Pop." "my boy always works diligently with a hopeful heart, still waiting for his shot." "Mrs. Dixon?" "Is there a problem with her room?" "Nothing you should bother your tiny mind about." "Mrs. Dixon has been taking the nip bottles of liquor out of her mini-bar, and doesn't want to pay for it." "I never even touched that evil little refrigerator." "I don't drink alcohol." "Of course." "There's probably a mix-up." " I saw who took it." " OK." "He had red hair and a beard." "He was wearing a green suit with brass buttons." "And he stands about ten inches tall." "So we're talking about a leprechaun?" "There you go." "Oh, I didn't know your brother was in town." "So, um, here's what I think we should do." "Put all the missing bottles on my tab." "Next time you see any leprechauns, we'll tell Aspen." "She's half-troll." "I think, trolls eat leprechauns, am I right?" "(SCOFFS)" "She would." "MARTY:" "Today magic is in the air at the grand hotel, and the winds of change are about to blow our story in a strange new direction." "But what would you expect in a hotel founded by someone who loved a good story as much as I?" "Time is of the essence here, Skeeter." "Oh, yeah, I know." "I just don't want the big boss man to get electrocuted." "Of course." " You fixed it?" " Let me see here." " (FEEDBACK)" " Yo, yo." "Yo, yo." "Check, check." "One, two." "Come on." "Yeah, yeah." "Hear me in the back?" " Whoa, whoa." " Skeeter." "I say "Barry," you say "Nottingham."" " Barry." " ALL:" "Nottingham." " Barry." " ALL:" "Nottingham." "♪ Barry had a Nottingham" "♪ Nottingham, Nottingham" "♪ Barry had a Nottingham" "♪ Whose beard was white as snow ♪" "(LAUGHS) Come on, give it up for the big man." "(APPLAUSE)" "Got them warmed up for you, sir." " It's good to see you again." " Germs." " Germs?" " Uh, Skeeter," "Mr. Nottingham has developed a fear, uh..." "Not a fear, an awareness... of germs and how dangerous they can be when not properly..." "feared, so..." "You're doing the right thing." "I didn't shower today." "So, yeah, let me get out of here." "SKEETER:" "Barry Nottingham, everybody." " He's brilliant, him." "I love this guy." " BARRY:" "Welcome." "As you know, I own 23 hotels from Berlin to Beijing." "But it's no secret that this one, the Sunny Vista Nottingham, is my favorite." "However, this is a 20th-century hotel." "We need something for the 21st century." "And so, we have decided to close this hotel and to build a brand-new Sunny Vista Mega Nottingham." "(APPLAUSE)" "This will be the largest hotel on the West Coast." "I simply don't understand what the fuss is about." "It's just a big building." "Oh, no, no." "This is like the future of the hotel business." "and a top-secret theme that will blow your mind." "Yes!" "So I'm proud to announce the new hotel's general manager." "He's been waiting on this for a long time." "We all know how hard he works, how intelligent he is, how much this hotel means to him." "Take a bow, Mr. Kendall Duncan!" "Take a bow, Kendall." " God bless." " Boo!" "(HISSING)" "MAN:" "A beautiful speech, sir." "A beautiful speech." "I'm so glad you could come." "It's great to see you." "Don't touch me." "Well done, Daddy." "Oh, oh, hello there." "Do you know my daughter, Violet?" "Only by reputation, sir." "Excuse me?" "No, no, not that she has a reputation." "I always heard she's very hot." "Not hot as in hot." "Hot, I meant warm..." "Warm-hearted." "And she likes to go out and have fun, festive times, in bars, with a lot of different guys, and..." "That's the old Violet Nottingham, my friend." "Before she met me." "Now it's up to me to keep my pooky-bear out of the spotlight and nightclubs and tabloids." "Isn't that right, sir?" "(CHUCKLES)" "Violet's off to her private tennis lesson with Roger Federer." " Oh." "All right, good for you." " Bye, boys." "Got to say, uh... it's gonna be hard for me to, uh, see the hotel move locations like this." "Well, I, I do hope you'll feel able to come and work with us there." "Big as Kendall wants to make it, well, there's going to be a lot of light bulbs to change." "(SNICKERING)" "Someone touched me." "Is there any sanitizer?" "There is, sir." "Come this way." "I'll get you some." "Please." "Can't be too careful, Kendall." "(♪ RAY ANTHONY AND HIS ORCHESTRA "THE HOKEY POKEY")" "All right, everyone finished at the pottery table, bring their art to the kiln." "The man with the rescue donkey's leaving in five minutes, if you haven't gotten a ride, hurry up." "Thank you, Principal Duva." "Oh, I'm not a principal at this party." "I'm a mom." "Hey!" "I notice no one's eating the gluten-free wheatgrass cake." "Come on." "Trust me, you just got to get past the smell." "What?" "The clown died?" " What's in that bag?" " Oh, chocolate chip cookie." " Food!" " ALL KIDS:" "Food!" " Slow it down, slow it down." " Hey, sissy." "Why do you bring sugary, chemical-filled crud to my house every time you visit?" "What?" "Every time I visit?" "You haven't invited me here in four years." "What are you talking about?" "It hasn't been four years." "You were here for The Fourth of July barbecue when you punched my husband?" "Yes." "That was four years ago." "I wanted to give him a wedgie, but his underwear had holes in it." "I knew he'd be your ex-husband." "You should be happy." "All right." "Let's not start." "How are the kids handling the old divorce anyways?" "They're both kind of off right now." "Bobbi's been really quiet." "Why don't you go say hi." "I'm gonna pay the donkey guy." " Is that what stinks in here?" " No, it's the cake." "What did she make, donkey cake?" " (KIDS LAUGH)" " I smell manure." "Hey, you guys." "Remember me?" "Uncle Skeeter." "Man, you got big." "Haven't seen you in a while." "Happy birthday there, Bobbi." "I'm Patrick." "She's Bobbi." "Oh, my bad." "Got you a little something." "Happy birthday, Bobbi." "Here you go." "Picked it up at the hotel." "How's school going?" " Skeeter?" " Yeah." "Getting called to the principal's office." "Look at that." "Have fun with the gifts." "And..." "Yes, yes." "Shampoo?" "And a soap?" "Hanger and a towel." "Do not talk about school with them." "What's going on with the school?" " They're closing it down." " No." " I'm getting laid off." " You?" "You're like the classic school principal." "I mean, you're, you're scary and bad with people." "Children are nervous around you." "That doesn't sound right, but, I'm just saying, what else could you do?" "Besides, maybe, Cuban dictator?" "Or the bogeyman." "You could be the bogeyman." " Anyway..." " What, what?" "I've got some interviews set up in Arizona, which is kind of what I wanted to talk to you about." "Uh-oh." "I need you to watch the kids..." "for a week." "No!" "No, they don't even like me!" "It's not going to be difficult, Skeeter." "My friend Jill is a teacher at my school." "She'll bring the kids in with her and watch them till dinnertime." "All you gotta do is the night shift." "Why can't your stupid friend do that?" "She's got night school." "Skeeter!" "My husband left me." "I'm getting laid off." "I, I have to move." "I need your help." "So you need me." "This is good." "I'll do it." "But you got to say," ""Skeeter is the coolest." "I am a nerd."" ""Skeeter's the coolest." "I'm a nerd?"" "Yeah, you are!" "Whoo!" "OK." "Hey, you guys." "I'm going to hang out with you this week." "All right?" "Maybe we can go... fishing." "I'd rather you didn't." "Patrick's not a strong swimmer." "OK, we'll stay inside." "How about, uh, we play some poker?" " I can teach you that." " Gambling?" "I don't think so." "OK, how about we just take walks in the park" " and catalog plant species?" " Now you're talking." "I don't know anything about plants except you try to make cakes out of them!" "He liked that one." "I'm gonna end with a laugh." "Give me some." "Huh?" "I wasn't gonna hit you." "I was trying to do the fist thing." "You don't know the fist thing?" "OK, I was just..." "That's what, uh, the children do." "Hey, yeh, yeh." "Oh, this your truck, chief?" "Yes, it is, ma'am." "You realize you're taking up two parking spaces?" "It's a big truck, ma'am." "It's not that big, sir." "You could fit into one spot." "I had to park all the way down the block." "Oh." "Well, next time park in that box." "Plenty of room in there." "Anyway, here's the situation." "This is not really my truck, this is the hotel I work for's truck." "So if I get a scratch on it, they take it out of my salary." "So two parking spaces provides me with what I call" ""a cushion of protection."" "Wait, a hotel?" "Oh, wait." "You're Wendy's brother." " Yeah." " I'm Jill." " Who's that?" " I'm her friend, the one helping take care of the kids next." "I'm the day shift." "OK, June." "You plan on being this hostile the whole time?" "Jill." "My name is Jill." "Do you plan on keeping that haircut the rest of the time?" "Oh, haven't you heard?" "Goofy's the new handsome." "(ENGINE SPLUTTERS)" " That sounds good for the environment." " Oh, we can't all have Priuses." "How do you know I drive a Prius?" "Your whole aura reads Prius." "(BUBBLING SOUNDS)" "Anyways, you're in my cushion of protection right now." "I want to back up, so if you could just zing-zang up there," " that would be helpful." " Yeah." "You might want some Cinnabons." "You'll need it." " Food!" " (KIDS SHOUTING)" "Give it back!" "Somebody owes me six bucks!" "So why didn't you demand that he make you the big boss of the new hotel?" "He promised your dad." "I wanted to." "It just wasn't the right time." "Let me tell you how it works." "The big man's giving the job to Kendall because he's dating his daughter." "That's the way it works, keep it in the family." "He gets the girl, he gets the job, he gets everything." "And I get nothing." "(CELL PHONE RINGS)" "(RINGTONE SCREECHES)" " Hello?" " JILL:" "Where are you?" "Still there?" "I'm still where?" "Who's this?" "Look, I've got to get to class." "The kids are waiting for you, OK?" "Oh!" "Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm sorry." "(STAMMERS) I forgot." "I'll be there in like 20 minutes." "(PHONE BEEPS OFF)" "I'm gonna baby-sit my nephew and niece tonight." "Oh, God." "Got any advice for me?" "Yes, I do." "Sometimes I baby-sit my cousins, right?" "And what I do is I let them style me hair." "Like put beads into it and braid it, make me look all real sexy." "Like Milli Vanilli, stuff like that." "You should try that." "Braid my hair?" "That's a good idea." "Can I have some French fries?" "Of course you can." "You're my best friend." "(GASPS)" "Ah!" "Actually, I really like ketchup on my face because it's rejuvenating for the skin." "So who's the real victim?" "You are." "Mmm!" "Delicious." "Do you think these signs will help?" "Well, miracles happen, you know?" "You mean like Dad coming back?" "Um..." " (DOOR CLOSES) - (SKEETER SINGING)" "(LAUGHING) Hey!" "Sorry I'm late." "So, um, their pajamas are on their beds, and I will be back, um, at 8:30 to pick them up, OK?" " All right." " Here is my cell phone number." "And call me if there's any emergencies." "All right." "Have fun at night school." " JILL:" "Bye, guys." " Bye." "All packed up here." "I got my, uh, toothbrush and, uh, and the toothpaste." "Some clean underwear." "Well, maybe not that clean." "You guys want to watch TV?" "We don't have a TV." "(CELL PHONE RINGS)" " Hello?" " SKEETER:" "Emergency!" "They don't have a TV." "Wendy doesn't let them watch TV." "You didn't know?" "I don't know a lot of things about these kids." "I wasn't allowed over here." "Their old man didn't like me." "OK, listen, you don't need a TV." "You can, um, play a game, do a puzzle." "I'm sure you can figure something out." "OK?" "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" "Should I let them braid my hair or something?" "Would they like that?" "I don't think anyone should touch that hair." "Hey, what do you say we go... next door and toilet paper your neighbor's trees?" "No?" "OK, bedtime!" "(THUNDER, RAIN FALLING)" "OK, so you guys cool?" "You have to read us a bedtime story." "Yeah, all right." "You have any?" "Whoo!" "What do you got here, anyways?" ""Rainbow Alligator Saves the Wetlands"?" "Mmm, no." ""The Organic Squirrel Gets a Bike Helmet"?" "I'm not reading these communist books to you guys." "Don't you got any real stories?" " Like what?" " Like what?" "Like, like cowboys?" "Or dragons?" "Or aliens?" "Or..." "What the heck is on my head right now?" "That's Bugsy, our guinea pig." " Why do you call him Bugsy?" " Because of his eyes." "Let me see them." "(SQUEAKING)" "Wow!" "Those eyes would be big on a cow." "(SQUEAKING)" "Are those eyeballs or bowling balls?" "Can't keep my eyes off of them." "Just get in there so I don't have to look at them anymore." "Goodbye." "Anyways, uh, you guys want me to, uh, make up a story for you?" "Like, like my old man used to do for me?" "Maybe I could be good at this." "All right, um..." "Here goes." "Once upon a time, in a magical, faraway kingdom... there was a brave and noble knight." "Strikingly handsome." "Who lived in a grand castle that weary travelers from near and far would come and visit." "Now, this knight had been working his butt off for years." "You'd think he'd be a shoo-in to rule the castle, right?" " PATRICK:" "Right." " SKEETER:" "Wrong." "Actually, he wasn't even a knight at all." "(NEIGHS)" "Oh, no." "SKEETER:" "He was, in fact, just a lowly peasant." "And even though he was the son of the late, great Lord Marty..." " (INDISTINCT)" " Thank you." "and knew everything there is to know about running a castle, everyone just took him for granted." "His name was Mr. Underappreciated." "What's "underdemeciated"?" " Under de-what?" " Underdemeciated." "That's right, I forgot you were six." "His name was Sir..." "Fix-A-Lot." "But alas, the kingdom where Sir Fix-A-Lot lived did not place much value on dedication or hard work, I guess." "Because the superstar in all the land was Sir Butt-Kiss." "And he spent all his days kissing everybody's butt." "(KISSING SOUNDS)" " Boo!" " (GIGGLES)" "And my lord, yes, of course I can get you front row house seats to The Lion King." "(LAUGHS)" "And Sir Fix-A-Lot had a best friend, Friar Fred, who was not right in the head." "She never!" "No!" "Not our queen, I won't have that." " Were there any kids in the kingdom?" " SKEETER:" "Yes, yes." "Of course." "There were two young pages." "Mistress Stinky and Master Smelly." "Hey-oh!" "And don't forget..." "Jillian!" "The queen of the fairies!" "SKEETER:" "Queen of the fairies?" "I mean, if she has to be there, let's just make her an angry raven." "(CAWS)" "Parking spot!" "PATRICK:" "She should be a mermaid teacher." "BOBBI:" "Yeah." "The best mermaid teacher in the world." "Children, open your books to page 16." "Yes, Miss Mermaid." "Let's begin." "All right, she's a mermaid." "Whatever you want." "Anyways, back to the story." "One day the king invited all his subjects to the castle." "I bring glad tidings." "For on this day I have chosen a champion who will run this castle and be my closest advisor and bestest buddy." "My new champion is..." "Sir Butt-Kiss!" "(CHEERS, APPLAUSE)" "Thank you." "Poor Sir Fix-A-Lot had been passed over." "So, Sir Fix-A-Lot moved into a giant shoe, got a bad case of athlete's face, dove into a moat..." "Ah, what the heck." "(SHOUTS) and got eaten by crocodiles." "(SHOUTING)" "The end." "The end?" "That can't be the end." " Why?" "Why not?" " It's not happy." "There aren't happy endings in real life." "Sooner you know that, the better." " It's not fair!" " What?" "What's not fair?" "I mean, shouldn't Sir Fix-A-Lot at least get a shot to be champion?" " A shot?" "Hmm..." " If Sir Fix-A-Lot is better than Sir Butt-Kiss, he should get a chance to prove it." "OK." "Yeah, yeah, Bobbi, good." "BOBBI:" "What the king really said was..." "On second thought, there is another worthy man in my kingdom, and it wouldn't be fair unless he got a shot, too." "Sir Fix-A-Lot!" "SKEETER:" "And then the crowd went nuts." "(♪ JOURNEY "DON'T STOP BELIEVIN'")" "But, Sire, Fix-A-Lot is as common as muck." "Boo!" "SKEETER:" "And Friar Fred drop-kicked a booing goblin." " Boo!" " (MAN SHOUTS)" "And the mermaid teacher did one of those weird tail dolphin moves." "And Stinky and Smelly did the fastest Irish jig ever." "Whoo-hoo-hoo!" "(LAUGHS) Yeah." "Right on." "Prince Bugsy busted out some fancy moves." "(SQUEAKING)" "And then... and then..." "It started raining gumballs." "♪ Streetlight" "Raining gumballs?" "Why not?" "It's a bedtime story." "Anything can happen." "Yeah, yeah." "I guess in a story." "I just wish it was like that in real life." "I really do." "(BELL CHIMES)" " What was that?" " Bugsy." " (CHITTERS)" " SKEETER:" "Oh." "He rings that bell when he's hungry?" "No, when he needs to go to sleep." "(GURGLING SOUNDS)" "(YAWNING)" "OK." "As you wish, Your Highness." "All right, you guys, have a good sleep." "You, too, uh, weird eyes." " (BUGSY CHITTERS) - (SKEETER MAKES CHIRPING NOISE)" "SKEETER:" "Well, I don't have much to work with, but I will make us a delicious breakfast that I know you will enjoy." "Yes, some banana on the rice cake, and then what do we call this?" "Wheat germ." "I was told germs are bad for you, but here goes." "I like it." "A rice cake-banana-wheat germ sandwich." "And what do we got?" "This is terrible." "Doesn't your, your mother have taste buds?" "What are we doing here?" "We got nothing to use in this house." "Hang on." "A little flavor." "It's good because, now we don't have to brush our teeth." "There you go." "At least we got a little mint going on." "Guys want one?" " (CELL PHONE RINGS)" " Hang on." " (RINGTONE SCREECHES)" " Hello!" "Bronson?" "The television set in Mr. Nottingham's room is broken and it needs to be fixed right away." "I have a situation here." "I'm watching my nephew and my niece." "Oh, I'm sorry." "Are you having difficulty hearing me?" "Mr. Nottingham wants to watch television now!" "I hear you." "I speak trollinese, don't worry." " There's a leprechaun behind you." " (SQUEALS)" " Gotcha." " (PHONE BEEPS OFF)" "Thanks a lot, gentlemen." "OK." " Wow." " Yeah, it's pretty, huh?" "Whoa!" "I got to go fix my boss' television set, but I need somebody to watch you two." "PAPARAZZO:" "Violet!" "Right here." "Give a smile." "Hang on." "Violet!" "Skeeter Bronson, the handyman from the other day." "Oh, right." "Yes." "Listen, uh, I got some kids with me right now." "My nephew and niece." "But, I gotta fix your father's TV." " Could you watch them for a few minutes?" " Huh?" "(BELL DINGS)" " Yeah, yeah." "All right, I'm going." " (GASPS)" " (KNOCKING)" " BARRY:" "Come in." " SKEETER:" "Mr. Nottingham, sir?" " BARRY:" "Uh, the telly won't turn on." "SKEETER:" "It won't?" "Well, let me just take a... tallyho at it, OK?" "I'll just flip this light on." "No, no, no, no!" "Absolutely not!" "I'm fighting a cold here." "I must stay in the dark whenever possible." "Do you realize germs can reproduce 80 percent faster in bright light?" "Oh, OK." "Here we go, nice and dark again." " The germs are confused." " Come towards me." "OK." "It's got to be around here somewhere." " (SKEETER SHOUTS) - (CRASHING)" "BARRY:" "For heaven's sake." "I'm so sorry, sir." "I just can't see a thing." " To your left, there." " Oh!" "There's the TV." "So how's the, uh, new hotel coming, sir?" "Oh, very well." "Still dealing with the city on building permits and whatnot." "Uh-huh." "I can't tell you the secret theme." "It's so good, we don't want anyone to steal it." " I hear you, sir." " OK, I'll tell you." "Come along, sit down." "Please." "Great." "BARRY:" "Ready?" "Rock and roll." "Vintage vinyl." "Music memorabilia in the lobby." "Oh, OK." "Like, uh, like the Hard Rock?" " The What What?" " The Hard Rock Hotel." "They've been using that theme for, like, years." "Get Kendall Duncan up here straightaway, please." "VIOLET:" "What a perfect little powder puff." "(SQUEAKS, PURRS)" "Thank you." "So, Patrick, truth or dare?" "Truth?" "How old were you the first time you kissed a girl?" "Patrick never kissed a girl." "Girls are bis-crusting." "Except for Trisha Sparks." "Ooh, is that a girl in your class, you little Romeo?" "JILL:" "Hey, guys." "Hi, Aunt Jill, did you get the note we left you?" "Yes, I did." "And, uh, now we have to get you guys ready for school." "So, come on." " Hi." " Hi." "Oh, hey." "You're, uh..." " Uh." "Here's your fat mouse." " It's a guinea pig, but..." "And you, young man..." "I want to hear all about this little Trisha Sparks next time I see you." "Trisha Sparks is two years older than you." "She's hot." "I'm very disappointed in you, Kendall." "We almost made an apocalyptic mistake." "This rock and roll idea of yours is old hat." "Well, sir, I had every intention of putting our own spin on it." "Do you know what, Skeeter?" "I'm starting to get a fuzzy recollection of something I said to your father." "In fact, I am going to give you a shot." "If you can come up with a better theme than Kendall does," "I'll let you run the new place instead." "(KENDALL LAUGHS) Oh, sir." "Don't you think this is perhaps a little too much of a cruel joke to be playing on somebody as..." "well, the, the maintenance guy?" " No, I don't." " KENDALL:" "No." "Mr. Bronson has been working for this company for 25 years." "I'm beginning to think I may have seriously underdemeciated him." "KENDALL:" "I'm sorry." ""Underdemeciated"?" "Precisely." "You can both present your ideas at my birthday party this weekend." "Thank you, Kendall." "That is all." "Mr. Bronson, the television, if you would." "Oh, and do watch out for the germ vaporizer." " (CRASH) - (SHOUTS)" "(♪ FALCO "ROCK ME AMADEUS")" "SKEETER:" "The best day of my life!" "(SKEETER SINGS WITH RADIO) ♪ Amadeus Amadeus" "♪ Amadeus Ow!" "Amadeus Yeah, yeah, yeah!" "♪" "♪ Amadeus Amadeus Amadeus" "♪ Ooh, rock me Amadeus" " ♪ Amadeus Amadeus - (ENGINE REVS)" "(TURNS RADIO OFF)" "Whoa." "I like your car, pal." "Hey, thanks, champ." "You know what they say." "You want to be the best, you got to drive the best." "Hey, uh, not to get personal, but what's a sweet ride like that cost, anyways?" "You know what?" "Actually it's surprisingly affordable." "Yeah?" "If you saved every paycheck you earn for the rest of your life and then multiply it by ten, you could probably buy my muffler." "Ah-ooga!" "Oh, you wanna drag race, do you?" "(SPLUTTERS, BACKFIRES)" "You win!" "Good job." "What?" "This is spooky." "You've got to be kidding me!" "Look at this." "I'm losing all my candy." "How can you not see a 50-foot trailer?" "Come on." "So you have to compete for your job with Skeeter Bronson." "You'll annihilate him." "Oh, I know." "It's just a little degrading, that's all." "(PHONES RINGING)" "Thanks for being there." "I'll be there as long as there's a there to be at." "(GROWLS)" "(BARKS)" "(CLEARS THROAT)" "Oh, hello, children." "We're looking for Skeeter Bronson." " (KENDALL GROANS)" " Oh, Mr. Bronson." "Yes, you'll find him in room 109." " OK." " Please, this way." "(BUGSY TWITTERS)" " Oh, my God!" "Did you see that thing?" " Those eyes." "They were, they were staring into my, my very soul." " Hey, Uncle Skeeter!" " Hey!" " Just who I wanted to see." " Hey, chief, here's Bugsy." " Got him." " Why do they have to stay here?" "Because I'm on call tonight, Jennifer." "It's Jill, actually, Scooter." "It is?" "OK, yeah..." "You did not just do that." "I did." "Watch." "I'm gonna do it again." "So, guys, anything weird happen to you today?" "I had a substitute teacher with an eye patch." "Uh... that's a little weird." "I'm talking like big-time weird." "Maybe coincidence weird, uh... as in gumball weird?" "We're not allowed to chew gum." "Of course you're not." "You guys want to go to sleep?" "It's only 5:30." "And we haven't had dinner." "Hmm." "OK." "Room service!" "MAN:" "So you've never been skateboarding?" "You've never played video games?" "Mom says they rot your brain." "That's not true." "I've been playing video games my whole life, and look at me." "Yeah, maybe she's got a point." "You." "You've never eaten bacon?" "What's bacon?" "Bacon is the juicy, fatty part of the pig right adjacent to the rear." "But delicious and tasty, not how I just made it sound." "And this is the first hamburger you've ever eaten?" " What's the verdict?" "What do you think?" " Life-changing." " Mom's gonna kill us." " No, she isn't." "First of all, she's never gonna find out about this." "And second of all, she used to eat plenty of hamburgers when we were growing up in this very room." "BOTH:" "She did?" "Looks like Bugsy's eaten a lot of burgers in the last ten minutes." "Wow!" "He keeps going like that, we could make bacon out of Bugsy." "(CHIRPS)" "He's kidding, Bugsy." "Take it easy." " (BOTH LAUGH)" " OK." "Let's get you carnivores to bed." "I got a, a new story I want to lay on you." "What do you think of cowboys and Indians?" "Oh, yes, tonight's the night!" "I just like cowboys and Indians 'cause of the conflict." "OK, once upon a time in the Old West, before room service was even invented... there was a farm hand named Jeremiah Skeets." "He was looking to get ahead in the world, but was having a problem with his current mode of transportation." "(WHINNIES LIKE A SPLUTTERING ENGINE, BACKFIRES)" "JEREMIAH:" "Uh, that was my horse." "That wasn't me, everybody." "Someone once told Jeremiah that if he wanted to be the best, he'd have to ride the best." "You mind showing me your finest horse?" "My ancestors believe horse spirit come down from mountain during time of fire, wind." "Many brave warrior walk trail of moon bear..." "OK." "Look, I just want to see your finest horse, not a whole thing there." " Sorry." "I can do it." " All right." "Screaming Rooster, bring out Ferrari." "Ferrari." "Oh, my." "Oh, my, oh, my!" "Look at that." " (WHINNIES LIKE A RACING ENGINE)" " Whoa!" "I would get automatic respect riding such a beautiful animal, but I'm afraid that's just a bit out of my price range." " Tell you what, white bread." " (TEETH CLICK)" "I'll give you Ferrari... for free!" "Boo-yah!" "The end." "I love it." "Brilliant story." "So he got the Ferrari for free." "I love that." "I love that." "A guy getting a free horse?" "That's not a good story." "Where's the arc?" "There's no arc." "I've not learned anything." "Also, you've got a moral obligation to them." "What are they gonna walk away from that with?" "I didn't know we were doing an After School Special." "Why can't he do something a real gentleman would do, like save a damsel in distress?" "Not a bad idea, munchkin." "OK." "So, uh..." "let's continue." "BOBBI:" "Jeremiah was out for a ride when..." " (GUNSHOT) - (HORSE WHINNIES)" "WOMAN:" "Oh, please, don't!" " MAN:" "Give us that jewelry." " You want my pearls?" "Help!" "Please!" "Yah!" "Yah!" "Yah!" "Whoo!" "Oh, my necklace?" "Here, take it." " (MENACING CHATTER)" " Come on, boy!" "Here." "What else you got, sweetie?" "Help!" "Help!" "JEREMIAH:" "Leave the lady alone!" "Care for a lift, ma'am?" " Yeah." " Oh!" " Nice horse." " Oh, what, this old thing?" "Now, any of you gentlemen want to give the nice lady her stuff back?" " (MEN GRUMBLING)" " Not a chance, huh?" " Because I beg to differ!" " (MEN SHOUTING)" " My hero." " I like that." "SKEETER:" "So Jeremiah spirited Miss Davenport away to safety, when she says..." "Shall we go drink champagne in a nearby hot tub?" "(SQUEALING, GIGGLES)" " Hot tub?" " Mmm." "Uh, yeah." "No." "I was saying that because I wanted to see if you two were paying attention." "What happened was Jeremiah dropped Miss Davenport off in the nearest town, safe and sound." "How ever can I thank you, sir?" "Ah, no thanks necessary, ma'am." "But I do insist on expressing my gratitude in some manner." "Fair enough." "I'll take..." " ...$100 million." " (CASH REGISTER DINGS)" "The end." "Let's hope it works." "Very well written, brilliantly constructed." "Jeremiah wouldn't take money for doing a good deed." "Uh..." "I know Jeremiah a lot better than you guys." "And believe me, he'd be all over that." "He loves money." "Mmm!" "I don't want that." "Go back, rewrite." "Rewrite." "Gentlemen don't get paid." "Will you just..." "Who's telling the story here?" "It should really end more like this." "Well, I must give you some token of my appreciation." "Oh, no." "Perhaps... a kiss?" "Touchdown." "PATRICK:" "Then an angry dwarf kicks him." "Ow!" "What the heck did you do that for?" "Because I'm angry." " Go!" "Let's go!" " WOMAN:" "All right!" "I didn't do nothing to you!" " The end." " SKEETER:" "You know what?" "Laugh as much as you want." "I'll take a Ferrari and a kiss any day of the week." "I'd just like to kiss a Ferrari." " All right." "Good night." " Good night, Uncle Skeeter." "Good night, home slice." "Thanks for the stories." "You came up with all the good parts, Bobbi." "Good night, y'all." "You too there, Bugsy." "(TWITTERING)" "And them braids look fantastic." "They've taken years off you." "You mind sleeping over?" "I'm gonna duck out a few hours." "Oh, yeah, yeah." "Mmm." "By the way, um," "I am, uh, legally obliged to tell you that I suffer from..." "sleep panic disorder." "OK, what's, uh, sleep panic disorder?" "Believe me, you don't want to know." "What am I thinking?" "Why would anyone give me a free Ferrari?" "I must be losing my mind." "Much power of the horse underneath that hood." "Hello." "Are you the guy I'm supposed to see?" "I'm here, aren't I?" "So... am I about to get a cherry red Ferrari?" "I don't see why not." "For... free?" "Sounds good to... me!" "What do I do now?" "Eat a gumball or something?" "Yes." " Fell out of the sky, right?" " Yeah." "Shh!" "Oh!" "Shh." "I won't tell nobody." "Now, close your eyes and count to three." " OK." " Then it's all gonna happen." " No." " Yeah." " One, two..." " Yeah." "three." "Ferrari!" "Hey!" "My wallet!" "Not anymore!" "(LOUD MUSIC)" "(PAPARAZZI SHOUTING)" "Excuse me." "Hi, boys." "OK, thank you." "Thanks, guys." "Sorry." "I'm just trying to find my car." "(♪ ERIC CARMEN "ALL BY MYSELF")" "Good thing my wallet only had three dollars in it." "And my Derek Jeter baseball card!" " (ALL SHOUTING)" " Guys, guys, stop, please." "(INDISTINCT CHATTER)" "VIOLET:" "You've had enough, now." "Thank you." "Stop!" "(TIRES SCREECH)" " (ALL SHOUTING)" " Come on, man!" " Care for a lift, ma'am?" " Skeeter?" " Skeeter Bronson?" " Yes, ma'am." "What do you say you boys give the pretty lady back the pictures you took?" "(ALL GRUMBLING)" "Sure about that, now?" "Because I beg to differ." "Guy's got a gun!" "I'm just happy they didn't make me use this thing." "(DRILL WHIRRS)" " My hero." " Really?" "VIOLET:" "That was brilliant, Skeeter." "(STAMMERS) I don't know what happened." "Something came over me." "It felt good." "It felt really good." "How am I ever going to thank you?" "Hmm." "No thanks is necessary, ma'am?" "Oh, am I in the presence of a gentleman?" "At your service, ma'am." "Well, I must show my appreciation in some form." " (GRUNTS)" " Ow!" "Consider yourself big people-bashed, sucker." "I knew you were gonna show up." "Get in the Gremlin, Jimmy, before Sasquatch calls the cops." "Yeah, 'cause that's how we do what we do." "Right?" "That's what you get, buddy." "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Let's go!" "Yeah!" "Pull me in." "Let's get out of here." "Pull me in!" " (ALL CHATTERING)" " Big people stink!" "OK, well, you don't see that every day." "Indeed." "And on that strange note, I bid you good night." " Yes, yes." " (CAR ALARM CHIRPS)" "Oh!" "Oh!" "All right, so that's how I'm getting it." " Getting what?" " This is just..." "I shouldn't." "I, I couldn't." "You know what?" "I can." "I'm gonna take it." "What are you talking about?" "I'm talking about a very generous girl who wants to give her rescuer a cherry red Ferrari... for free!" "This is sick!" "Well, uh, good luck with that." "I'm just going to go." "What do you mean?" "Do you have another one at your house?" "Am I, am I supposed to follow you or something?" "So seriously, no, no Ferrari?" "Where's the $100 million, at least?" "!" "Boo!" "TV:" "Hey, hey, hey!" "Get your own campaign vehicle." " (KNOCKING)" " Yeah." " Hi." " BOTH:" "Hey, Aunt Jill." "Hey, guys." "How did last night go?" "An angry dwarf kicked me in the leg, and I didn't get a free Ferrari." "So there you go." "Oh." "How sad." " He's talking about our bedtime story." " Oh." "Uncle Skeeter said Jeremiah would get a new horse and a kiss, but I said the dwarf would kick him." "You said it." "Maybe that's how it works." "The kids control the stories." "(CHIMES RING)" "And there are the wind chimes." "You know what that means." "What what means?" "Huh?" "Nothing." "Don't worry about it." "I won't." "OK, guys." "Um, what is Bugsy doing?" "(PANTING)" "Working off the hamburgers he ate last night." "Yes, I gave Bugsy some hamburgers, but I gave the children that wheat germ stuff because that's what they love." "I guess it's, uh, Bugsy watching the TV then too?" "Yeah, I flipped that on and, look, he's glued to it." "(MAKES GIGGLING SOUNDS)" "(SCREAMING)" "I'm innocent!" "What was that?" "Uh... that was the sleep panic disorder, I believe." "Why don't we, uh, get out of here before the next attack." "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "Give your uncle a kiss." "I'm a relative, I deserve it." "Right there." "Oh, that felt nice." "How about one more for the road?" " No." " Come on, baby!" "Don't worry, we'll be back tonight." "Yeah, no, I'm not worried." "You're coming back, we got a big story tonight!" "About some hotel theme ideas!" "Yeah!" " Maybe we won't come back." " What?" " Skeeter?" " Sir Butt-Kiss." "Sir..." "Kendall." "I understand that you feel a need to prepare for our little... showdown." " Yeah." " That does not excuse you from maintenance responsibilities." " Oh, no." "Check." " Lights are out in the spa." "The south service elevator is running slow." "Check." "Let me try that cheesecake." "Oh, another thing." "I heard about your big hero act with my girlfriend last night." " This paparazzi was..." " I know what it is you're trying to do, and it's not gonna work." "You have to find another way to cozy up to the old man because I'm here to tell you" "Violet Nottingham is not gonna date a gum-scraping handyman." "Hey, Kendall." "Two things." "First off, you got something right there." "Yeah, now, use your hands." "That's disturbing to see." "Good." "Secondly, when I get the job at the new hotel," "I was actually considering keeping you on, so watch your tone with me." "Your brief little trip to the land of make-believe is just about over, my friend." "OK?" "We all know your failed father ran this hotel into the ground, and thankfully, you will not get the chance to make the same mistake all over again." "May want to pick that up." "(PHONE RINGS)" " It's Duncan." " ASPEN:" "Lover, hello." "I'm looking for the hotel site." "I gave you the address, macho bunny." "The address you gave me is no good." "There's a school here." " Oh, what school?" " Webster Elementary School." " Oh, then you're in the right place." " Is that so?" " This school is being shut down." " Uh-huh." "The old man pulled a few strings at the board of education." " Really?" " We start demolition immediately." "That is very exciting news." "Oh, Pinky." "(GROWLS, BARKS)" " (PHONE RINGS)" " SKEETER:" "Hello!" "Skeeter?" "Hey, it's Wendy." " Hey, sissy." " Hey." "How's it going?" " Are the kids OK?" " Oh, yeah." "We're having a blast." "That was impressive, Bobbi, but Uncle Skeeter can jump over the couch the long way." " Skeeter, can I talk to them?" " No, I'm taking them camping." " No." " Have fun in Arizona." "Bye!" "Camping?" "No, Skeeter, they could get poison ivy!" " SKEETER:" "Let's go." "Quietly." " PATRICK:" "Where are we going?" " Someplace special, fools." " BUGSY:" "Whoo-hoo!" "Now march, march, march, march... ♪ I don't know but it's been said ♪" "♪ Bugsy's eyes pop out of his head ♪" " March, march, march..." " (KIDS GIGGLING)" " BUGSY:" "Whoo-hoo!" " SKEETER:" "March, let's go." "KIDS:" "Whoa!" "Cool!" "We're going to have ourselves a camp-out." "JILL:" "You guys, look what he's done!" "Isn't this cool?" " See?" "See how nice I am?" " Yeah." "Whoa, OK, just be careful around the fire." "Hey, Jill." "Shh." "Don't want everyone to hear we're here." "(ALL CHATTERING)" "I heard about marshmallows." "Saw them in magazines." "I never imagined they would be this good." "Let's just hope your mother doesn't find out I gave you any." " I won't tell her." " I'm not talking about you." "She's the weak link." "I think I can let this one slide." "Ahh!" "The mermaid's being cool." "Look at that." " The what?" " The nothing." "You know, when we were younger and your mom and I were out on the roof, my dad would always tell us to look at the stars and see if you could make something out of them." "All right, like, uh..." "Right over there." "Right over there." "Look, look." "To me, that looks like a camel." "You see the humps?" "Huh?" "The tongue hanging out?" "Oh, yeah." "I see that." "Hey, look over there!" "It's a pyramid." "SKEETER:" "Yeah!" "Hey, good one, Patrick." "Look, right next to the moon." "Right, right beside it." "It looks exactly like Bugsy." " SKEETER:" "Oh, my God!" " (ALL LAUGHING)" "Don't worry, Bugsy." "Your eyes are still bigger." " (CHITTERS) - (JILL LAUGHS)" "Uncle Skeeter?" "Yes, good-looking." "Do you think my father will come back?" "Um..." "Well, that's a tough one." "He must be going through some... mental malfunction to not want to be with you two guys every second of the day." "But, uh, I do know this." "You're always going to have your mother." "You're always gonna have this girl to hang out with." "And me, I ain't ever going anywhere." "OK?" "I'm like the stink on your feet." "I'll always be around." "OK." "You guys made me late." "I hope you're happy." "Well, thank you." "Have fun at night school." "See you tomorrow." "All right, we got rid of her, so let's get to business." "Put the s'mores down." "Story time." "All right, guys." "Tonight's story's gonna be extra special." "It's called..." "The Great Hotel Idea Story." "Yeah!" " What?" " Boring." "Come on, guys, I really need you to do this." "It's gonna help my life a lot." "Please?" "All right, you know what?" "We still got one more night." "Let's have a fun story." "How about some Evel Knievel stuff?" "Racing, jumping, flying..." "Or maybe something like romantic?" "(KISSING SOUNDS, CHITTERS)" "I have a good idea." "Let's combine the action and the romance and make a romaction story." " BOTH:" "Yeah." " SKEETER:" "Let us begin." "The greatest of all the heroes in ancient Greece was, of course, Skeetacus." "He was truly amazing yet totally underrated and had been ignored for years." "Finally Skeetacus had his chance to show his skills in the grand arena." "If he could impress the daughter of the emperor, he knew he would one day rule the land." " (HORSE WHINNIES) - (CROWD CHEERING)" " Skeetacus, Skeetacus!" " Go on, Skeetacus!" "That's pretty fancy chariot work." "For a peasant." "♪ I see London, I see France" "♪ I see my golden underpants" "Whoo!" "Oh, wh..." "what is he doing?" "Whoa!" "(WHINNYING)" "SKEETER:" "Bring on the elephants!" " Whoa." " Ooh." "All right." "SKEETER:" "You know how Hercules supposedly founded the Olympics?" "(TRUMPETING)" "(TWITTERS)" "Well, Skeetacus invented the X Games." "He's never gonna make it!" " (SHOUTING) - (CROWD GASPING)" "Now that's first class." "Hey!" " Bravo!" " Wow." "Can you dig it?" "(CROWD CHANTS) Skeetacus!" "How we doing so far, huh?" " This is the best story yet." " Can we get to the romance now?" "SKEETER:" "Well, shorty, you tell me?" "Does Skeetacus get the girl he was after?" "BOBBI:" "In these stories, the hero always gets the fairest maiden in the land." "Yes!" "You said it!" "OK, so it's gonna happen!" "Uh, right." "So, what?" "They're thirsty?" "They go off for drinks?" "A little wine and cheese action?" "Yes?" "BOBBI:" "Yeah, they can go to an old tavern." "And guess who's there?" "Led Zeppelin." "Say Led Zeppelin, please." "No." "All the girls that were mean to Skeetacus growing up." "What?" "Nobody was mean to Skeetacus growing up." "He was like the coolest guy in school." "That's not what Mom said." "All right, everybody was mean to Skeetacus." "He had problems." "All right, tell your story." "Oh, my God..." "BOBBI:" "They see he's now with the fairest maiden in all the land, and they are really jealous." "PATRICK:" "So jealous they don't know what to do." "They just start nervously doing the hokey-pokey." "ALL:" "♪ Put your right hand in ♪" "♪ You put your right hand out" "♪ You put your right hand in" "♪ And you shake it all about" "OK." "BOBBI:" "So then," "Skeetacus takes his date out to the beach." "PATRICK:" "All of a sudden, a big hairy guy washes up onshore, passed out." "SKEETER:" "Why a hairy guy?" "I don't get it." "PATRICK:" "Just 'cause." "He had something stuck in his throat, and he wasn't breathing." " Thanks." " He's OK." "And then it starts pouring, so they run into a magical cave." " Caves are nice." " And Abe Lincoln's there." "Abe Lincoln?" "What, is this a joke to you?" "What the heck's the matter with you?" "Oh, I'm sorry." "I, I didn't mean to yell." "The Abe Lincoln thing, that's, that's a good idea." "It's just that, uh..." "Does Skeetacus get a kiss?" "Don't you think he should?" "It's... been a long time for him." "His lips are very dry from not using them." " Bugsy, you with me?" " (GROANS)" "We'll see." " VIOLET:" "Hello?" " Mmm." "Hey, is this the fairest maiden in the land?" "Mr. Skeeter Bronson, is that you?" "Yes, it is." "Sorry about that Ferrari confusion the other night." "I'm here at the beach right now and I had a hunch you might be here too." "What do you say we get a little lunchsky?" "That sounds so delightful." "But I can't." "I'm afraid I'm on my way to Vegas for the day." "Vegas?" "Uh, no one talked about Vegas." "Don't tell Kendall." "He thinks I'm in the library." "Yeah, no." "But, but, uh, princess," "I, I really thought we were gonna hang out today." "Oh, well." "I will see you at Daddy's birthday party." "Bye, Skeeter." "Hmm." "So our date's gonna be tomorrow?" "I can live with that." " Hey!" "Look out!" "Look out!" " (BOTH SHOUTING)" " (SKEETER GROANS)" " Sorry." "Are you OK?" "Hey!" "I'm so sorry!" "What is it about the cushion of protection you don't like?" "Aren't you supposed to be in school?" "I'm supposed to be looking for a job now, but for some reason I felt like coming to the beach today." "Huh." "Um, are you hungry?" "Yes, I'm always hungry when I'm in pain." "Good." "Because I'm buying." "I'll let you buy me lunch." "Somebody stole my wallet," " so how was I gonna pay?" " Of course you got your wallet stolen." " I don't know what that means." " You." "It's always something with you." " Huh?" " You're wearing my hat." " Gonna wear that all day?" " I'm not wearing nobody's hat." " I'm wearing your hat!" "Oh!" " I'll take it back." "Thanks." "(CHATTERING)" "This is perfect for your free lunch." "Oh, my gosh." "You guys, you guys, you guys." "Over there." "Is that..." "is that Skeeter Bronson?" " Stop it." " Oh, my God." " Oh, my God." " Skeeter." "Hey!" "Do you remember me?" "It's Donna Hynde from high school." "Yeah, I do." "Thought I was going to run into you shortly." "And here you are." "Yeah." "Wow, this is so..." "weird." "Uh..." "We were just planning our high school reunion." "We were totally just talking about you." "It's so weird." "I was just talking about you guys too." "Sure, he was." "Mind pretending to be my girlfriend for a second?" "Yeah, I don't feel comfortable doing that." "I'll, uh, convert my truck to biodiesel." " OK, I'll do it." " Ding-dong." "Uh, this is my girlfriend, guys." "This is Jill." "Hello." "She's your girlfriend?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "Yes, I am." " Right?" " Yup." "She thinks I'm..." "You want me to..." "Oh." "Uh... romantic." "She likes how romantic I can be." "And, uh, "great kisser," she likes to say." "Oh, yeah." "That's..." "a little too much." " Oh." "Sorry." " Wow, you are really pretty." " I mean, she's all right." " Thanks." "I've seen hotter, but she's pretty cool." "So super skinny." "Skinnier than you." "But..." "Yeah." "Whatever." "I feel really awful saying this out loud." "We were really terrible to Skeeter in high school." "Awful." "So mean." "My Skeeter?" " They were." " You had a hard time in high school?" "Look at you now." "You turned out pretty... cute." " GIRLS:" "Yeah!" " You know... the pimples went away, and, uh, these came to play." " You want to touch them?" " Oh, that's OK." " Later, later." " They're here for you." "Ding-dong." "♪ You put your right hand in" "ALL:" "♪ You put your right hand out ♪" "♪ You put your right hand in" " ♪ And you shake it all about ♪" " OK." " I think we should leave." " Yes." "♪ And you turn yourself around ♪" " All right." "Bye-bye." " ♪ That's what it's all about ♪" "What's happening?" "Hey, so I spoke to Wendy." "She's excited to see the kids tomorrow." "This is the longest she's been away from them." "That's right." "This is my last night with the kids." "You know, they're gonna be devastated." "They worship you and those amazing bedtime stories you've been telling them." "Oh, well, they say all the good parts." "I promise." "Oh, my gosh." "Is he unconscious?" "Yeah, yeah." "(YELLING)" "Boom!" "Oh." "Thanks!" "Whoa!" " Yeah?" " Check out Mr. Smooth." " Well, you know, I do what I do." " (BOTH LAUGHING)" " Think we should get out of this rain?" " What rain?" "(THUNDER RUMBLING)" "Oh, shoot!" "Where did that come from?" "I don't know!" "Isn't it amazing?" " Let's get out of this!" " Let's go!" "Let's get out!" "Move it!" "(JILL SCREAMING, LAUGHING)" "I can read the future." "Good God." "So..." "So..." "The big presentation's tomorrow, right?" "I know you're not nervous or anything, but, um... good luck on it anyway." " Thank you." " Yep." "Actually, you can come if you want." "It's like a party." "You know, Wendy's gonna be watching the kids, and we could have fun." "You can meet me there." "Yeah." "That would, uh..." "I could do that." "I could meet you, um... after night school or something." "It's you?" "It's me what?" "You're the fairest maiden in the land?" ""Fair" as in "doesn't cheat at checkers"?" "No, fairest as in..." ""beautifulest."" "Wait, wait." "Something weird's gonna happen." "Oh." "No, yeah, we don't..." "This is a mistake." "No, no, no, not between us." "I mean like, some..." "No!" "No, no!" "Oh, here comes Abe!" "No!" "Ah!" "Look." " Wow, a penny." " No, no, no." "This is the weird thing I was talking about." "Abe Lincoln." " Yeah." "Yeah." " No, no, no, no." "Abe's not gonna interrupt this time." "That was it." "It's supposed to end better than this." "Stick around." "I'm tellin' ya, you're gonna be missing out." "Nice imagination, Patrick." " Skeeter?" " Yo." "We've got a little bit of a shaving situation in there." "Oh, no, no, no." "I took the razor blades out." "Don't worry." "Their father ain't around," "I figured someone has to teach them how to shave." "(KIDS GIGGLING)" "I'm Princess Leia." "Uh-huh." "So, are you ready for the big showdown tomorrow night?" "Oh, yeah." "What I'm going to do is tell them a bedtime story tonight." "I'll have me win in the story." "Then I'll win for reals." "Do you dig?" "Oh, right." "Yeah, yeah, I understand." "So it's like, um, positive visualization." "I read a book on that once." "Read the back cover, at least." "I can't read." "(LAUGHING)" "Shut up, Bugsy!" "I've got opposable thumbs." "How do you feel about that?" "(STOPS LAUGHING)" "SKEETER:" "You children ready?" "Because here comes our last story." "The fate of the entire universe hung in the balance, as the Supreme Galactic Council met to determine who would control the new planet in the vast Nottinghamian star system." "(ALL CHEERING)" "Most in attendance expected Supreme Leader Barracto to rule in favor of General Kendallo, the evil governor of Hotelium." "But there was a wild card in the mix..." "Skeeto Bronsonnian and his sidekick, Mickey Doo Quicky Doo." "They all watched with excitement." "Lieutenant Jilli and her two young cadets," "Aspenoff, and even the great Captain Bugzoid." "PATRICK:" "Hey, since it's outer space, Skeeto should talk like a goofy alien." " SKEETER:" "What?" " (GIBBERISH)" "That's disgusting." "I'm not going to translate that." "Silence!" "The leader of the new planet shall be determined the old-fashioned way:" "A zero-gravity fight." " (ALL GASP) - (CONTINUES GIBBERISH)" "SKEETER:" "OK, now we get to the part the crowd came to see." "Skeeto defeating Kendallo, right?" "PATRICK:" "I think we need to see them battle first." "(LAUGHS EVILLY)" "(GIBBERISH)" "(YELLING)" "(SHOUTING)" "(GRUNTS)" "PATRICK:" "Kendallo makes the first move." "(LAUGHING)" " BOTH:" "Skeeto!" " SKEETER:" "But the kids really want to see Skeeto kick his butt, right?" " (SHOUTS) - (GROANS)" "Wet willy." "(LAUGHS)" "Boring!" "Uh, bring out the booger monster!" "SKEETER:" "Oh, I think I'm gonna be sick." "(CROWD GROANING)" "(SHOUTING)" "(YELLING)" "SKEETER:" "All right, have the booger monster smack Kendallo around." "BOBBI:" "No, I think he should kiss him." " (MONSTER GRUNTING) - (GROANING)" "SKEETER:" "Would you get to Skeeto winning already?" "PATRICK:" "OK." "(SCREAMS)" "Whoa!" " (MONSTER CRIES) - (GROANING)" "Arise, Skeeto, sharif of Nottinghamia." "(SCREECHING)" "(GIBBERISH)" " Whoopee!" " Whoo!" "(WHISTLING)" "And that is the perfect ending to our last story." "Thank you, children." "Oh, that's not the ending." "Yeah." "That would be too obvious." "What do you mean?" "Somebody threw a fireball at Skeeto and Skeeto got incineratated." " The end." " "Incineratated"?" " (CROWD GROANS)" " SKEETER:" "You mean "incinerated"?" "No!" "No, no!" "He can't catch on fire." "Yeah." "I'm Captain Skeeto." "I'm on fire!" "SKEETER:" "No, no, no." "The story can't end like that." "What happened to a nice, happy ending?" "You said happy endings don't really happen." "We want our story to be real." "Oh, I was just saying that." "I was stupid." " (YAWNS)" " No, no, no, no, no." "So, what?" "We're really going to have me on fire?" "Hey!" "Don't fall asleep, or the story will lock." "Stop it!" "Wake up!" "Wake up." "Wake up." "Wake up." "I can't believe Skeeter didn't tell you." "And I'm sure it's just a coincidence that the new hotel is going up right here where the, where the school is." " Well, I'm pretty sure..." " (PHONE RINGS)" "Excuse me." "Yeah." "ASPEN:" "Everything's ready for the presentation." " Good." " Ten-four, rubber duck." "Got it." "Great." "(♪ OHIO PLAYERS "FIRE")" "♪ Oh, uh" "♪ Fire" "(RADIO CLICKS)" "(♪ BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN "I'M ON FIRE")" "♪ Oh, oh, oh I'm on fire ♪" "(♪ THE BANGLES "ETERNAL FLAME")" "♪ Is this burning" "♪ An et... (♪ THE TRAMMPS "DISCO INFERNO")" "♪ Burn, baby, burn" "OK." "The good news is, you're going to win the competition." "The bad news is, you're probably gonna catch on fire, but not if you take a few precautions." "Oven mitts, smoke alarm." "Yeah." ""Flame-resistant Christmas tree spray." Yeah." "Yeah." "Yeah, yeah, this will work." "Excuse me." "Sir?" "Those are actually for Christmas trees." "I know. 'Tis the season." " Ow!" "God!" " I'm so sorry." "(SOBBING) It burns!" "Here, let me make it up to you." " (SCREAMS) Ow!" " It's for trees!" "It's for trees!" "You're right!" "That hurts!" "I'm sorry about that!" "ASPEN:" "Antibacterial wipes, anybody?" "Aloha." "Aloha." "Thank you so much." "Whoa!" "Steady." "Steady." "(SHOUTS)" " Kona coffee ice cream." " Yeah?" "What's the catch?" "You're gonna light it on fire?" "'Cause I'm on to you, honey." "No fire." "It would melt." "Just take the ice cream and a chill pill." " Ah!" " CROWD:" "Boo!" " MICKEY:" "Skeeter." " Yes." " That wasn't very nice." " What wasn't?" " You pushed that man in the pool." " No, he jumped in." "Hey, you see Jill around?" "No, I ain't, I ain't seen Jill tonight, mate." "Ooh!" "I am cold." " I'll get you a towel." " (CUPS FALLING)" " I've got your towel." " Oh, blimey." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "I love you." "(BEE BUZZING)" "You brought me a grilled cheese sandwich once." "Yeah." "I did, yes." "It was Monterey Jack." "It's a good cheese." "(BUZZING)" "Ow!" "Skeeter, are you all right?" "A bee stung my tongue!" "(GONGS)" "The meeting for the exciting new hotel will take place in the living room." "So I don't think you're going to want to miss this." "No, it's swelling up!" " Can I sit there, please, mate?" " Yes, of course." " Don't touch me." " Sorry." "Before we begin, I would just like to say, personally, happy birthday." "ALL:" "Happy birthday." "Happy birthday, Daddy." "Thank you, Kendall." "Yes, now, as you can see," "I've invited some of the staff to sit in to see how your ideas would play with the "regular folk."" " No offense." " None taken, Barry." "None taken." "BARRY:" "So, gentlemen, which of you would like to go first?" "Fair enough." "Mr. Nottingham, you were absolutely right when you said the rock and roll theme was old hat." "Gone." "Your insight, sir, has inspired me to, to dig deeper, to find the commonality at the heart of the American experience." "I speak, of course... of the musical theater." "And, more specifically..." "Broadway!" "Hit it." "♪ Oh, when you first pull up" "♪ To the grand front door" "♪ There isn't just a bellhop There's an overture ♪" "♪ At the Nottingham Broadway Mega Resort ♪" "♪ Oh there's a pool for the Sharks ♪" "♪ A pool for the Jets" "♪ And you can bring Cats 'cause we take pets ♪" " ♪ At the Nottingham Broadway ♪ - (YAWNS)" "♪ Mega Resort" "(WHINES)" "Original, impressive, well done." "Thank you, Kendall." " Thank you, sir." " (APPLAUSE)" "(SCREAMS)" "Uh, sorry about that." "I was, uh, just resting my eyes." "Skeeter." "You're up." "(CLEARING THROAT)" "(GIBBERISH)" "Are you all right, Skeeter?" "A bee bit my tongue." "I'm sorry?" "A bee... stung my tongue." ""A bee stung my tongue."" "Oh, you understand him?" "Oh." "How did a bee sting your tongue?" "Uh..." "I was eating ice cream, and suddenly a bee..." "Uh, it was on an ice cream, and he licked it." "Hmm." "Can you translate Skeeter's presentation for us?" " Mmm!" " Uh..." "Yes!" "Yes, I can do that." "(CLAPPING)" "Thank you." "Ready?" " MICKEY:" "I'm ready." "OK." " SKEETER:" "Ready?" "(GIBBERISH)" ""I spent the last week in the hotel, the hotel where I live..."" "With my niece and nephew." ""With my niece and my nephew."" ""To a kid, everything about a hotel is strange and wonderful."" ""Sleeping in a different bed."" ""Hanging out in the lobby."" ""Jumping up and down on the alligator."" "(GRUNTS)" ""Riding up and down in the elevator."" "ALL:" "Ah!" "Sorry." "Yeah, I see now that an alligator wouldn't be in that context." ""Some hotels try to make it seem as much like home as possible."" ""But they're missing the point."" ""If you wanted to stay in a place like home, then why not stay at home?"" ""Our guests should experience an escape from the everyday."" ""And that's what I'd like to capture in our new hotel."" ""What every kid knows and what every adult has forgotten."" ""Like my father said to me, your fun is only limited by your imagination."" " That was beautiful." " Yeah?" "All right." "Settle down." "Just the way it built." "And that's it?" "I'm sorry." "I don't understand it." "That... was... brilliant!" "Congratulations, my boy." "You've just won the keys to the kingdom." "(GRUNTS)" "(WHIMPERS)" "Boogie, don't do that." "Germs." "Congratulations." "Great job." "Keep icing that tongue." " All right." " Congratulations, Skeeter." " Congratulations." "That was great." " Yeah?" "(IMITATES GIBBERISH)" "That's just terrific." "Congratulations, Skeeter." "All right, Kendall." "Yeah." "No hard feelings, pal." "Of course not." "You deserve it." "You're a better man than me." " You have an iron will." " Yeah." "That's what they say." "I would not have the guts to tear down the school my niece and nephew attend." "What?" "You do know that's the site for the new hotel?" "What are you talking about?" " Good show, old son." " Oh, sir." "That bee sting language was really working for you on a sympathetic level." "Good, I'm glad." "I wanted to talk to you about the location that we're building the hotel." "ALL: ♪ Happy birthday to you" "♪ Happy birthday to you" "♪ Happy birthday" "(DRUMS BEATING)" "(ALL EXCLAIMING)" "Bronson, you're fired!" "Fired?" "Oh..." "That's how it connects." "(BELL RINGS)" "Yes?" "Do you know where Jill Hastings' class is?" "It's right over there." "Why won't you answer my calls?" "Because I know it's you calling." "You got to believe me, Jill." "I had no idea..." "Don't destroy the sliver of respect I have for you by making lame excuses." "Just go away and stay away." "Uncle Skeeter?" "Do you want to incinertate our school 'cause we incinertated you in the story?" "No, I wouldn't do that." "We thought you were supposed to be the good guy." "So did I." ""Skeeto defeats Kendallo."" " Not really." " (KNOCKING)" " Yeah?" " Hey." "Oh, hey." "Welcome back." "So, you mad at me, too?" "Not as mad as Jill, but, uh, mad, yes." "I didn't know the new hotel was going up there." "I figured that." "Then what are you mad at?" "I gave the kids junk food?" "No, I figured you'd do that too." "I'm mad because you told my kids that in real life there are no happy endings." "Well, look around you, Wendy." "Do you see any happy endings here?" "I don't know." "You and Dad always had so much fun in this room." "For whatever reason, I didn't." "I was always the cynic, the, the sourpuss." "The black cloud." "The energy drainer." "The... dead fish." "Yes, all of those things." "But when I left Bobbi and Patrick with you," "I guess I just was hoping you'd rub off on them." "Get them to be lighter." "Have fun." "Enjoy themselves." "I thought Dad would like that." "Anyway, um, I got a job in Arizona." "Teaching, not principaling." "That's cool." "Yeah, well, maybe you can come visit when we get settled." "I know by then the kids will really want to see you." "All right." "Love you." "Love you." "MARTY:" "And so Skeeter sat on his bed, filled with regret, wondering how to put the pieces of his life together after one magical week." " Great ending, huh?" " MARTY:" "That was your ending, son?" "I thought this was just a sad part, and you were about to make it better." "What?" "How could I make it any better?" "Well, In the stories I told you, just when things looked bleakest, the hero would do something unexpected and courageous to beat the bad guy, save the day, and get the girl!" "Yeah." "How can I do that?" "It's your story, not mine." "But you better get moving." "Go get 'em, son." "Mr. Nottingham!" "Mr. Nottingham?" "I was wondering if I could talk to you for a moment." "My name is Jill Hastings." "I'm a teacher at Webster Elementary." "ALL CHANTING:" "Save our school!" "Save our school!" "Save our school!" "Save our school!" "Save our school!" "Save our school!" "My men are in position." "We are ready for the demolition." "Excellent." "Mr. Nottingham said he'd call if he had a problem getting the variance, so if we don't hear from him in the next 20 minutes," "I say we just..." "blow it all up." "(CHANTING CONTINUES)" "Madam, the war is over." "You lost." "I'm sorry." "This isn't a war, Mr. Nottingham." "We're talking about children." "There must be other possible sites for your hotel complex that would not result in the displacement..." "Hey, hey!" "Barry, Jill." "How you doing?" "We're just wrapping up here." "Donna, you remember Jill, right?" "Of course!" "Oh, my God." "That jacket is so cute!" "Uh, thank you." "Bronson, what are you doing here?" "What am I doing here?" "Yeah, what am I doing here?" "Oh, uh, well, Mr. Bronson, as a concerned citizen, wanted to bring points to my attention before I made any hasty decisions about the property." "And they are points that are going to take me years to analyze." " Years?" " Years." "Bronson, are you playing hardball with me?" "I am, sir." "Because your application for variance has been..." "Denied." "Denied?" "Yes." "But the good news is" "Donna and I found you another piece of property right on the beach in Santa Monica that is uptight and out of sight." "Beachfront was my first choice, but it's not for sale." "It is now." "It is!" "Isn't that fabulous?" "Really?" "Friends?" "Oh, oh. (STAMMERS) Yeah, well, germs." "Let's get past that." "Come here." "Come here." "No, no, no, no, no." "I'm touching you, and it's OK." "Look at that." "Aw..." "Ooh." "You're enjoying it." "Good." "Bring me closer." "That is so sweet." "And creepy." " (CHANTING CONTINUES)" " Attention, please, ladies and gentlemen." "We are working with highly-sensitive, dangerous radio-controlled explosives." "ALL:" "Boo!" "And so to avoid any tragic misfires," "I would ask that you all turn off your cell phones." "All of you, please." "Turn your cell phones off." "Did you really just fix everything?" "Not everything." "(CLEARS THROAT)" " Yes?" " We appear to have a situation." "I can't reach Kendall on his cell phone to halt the demolition which will begin in... 13 minutes." "PATRICK:" "This sign we made is awesome!" "BOBBI:" "We need a window where those construction guys can see it." "Then they'll change their minds." "Bobbi, I found one." "JILL:" "That's my Prius!" " OK." "Where's your truck?" " My truck?" "I had to give it back to the hotel." "What do you mean you gave it back to the hotel?" "Come here!" "Come here!" " (MOTORCYCLE REVS)" " SKEETER:" "Sorry!" "It's for a good cause!" "Have you ever driven a motorcycle?" "No!" "(GASPS)" " Oh, my God!" " (HORN HONKS)" "(JILL GROANING)" "No, no, no, no!" "(SCREAMS)" "Ooh!" "Yah!" "Booya!" "(JILL SCREAMING)" "Have you seen Bobbi?" "Patrick?" "Bobbi!" "Patrick!" "What are you going to do?" "I'll take that back." "No fair!" "Hey, people, that's 60 seconds!" "Whoo-hoo!" "Wait!" "Wait a minute!" "I can't find my children!" " They might be in there!" " Nice try." "We cleared the building hours ago." "OK?" "Everything is fine." "No!" "Let me through!" "Hey, we got to check the rooms before we start making booms." "We've checked it already!" "Do it myself." " (JILL SCREAMS)" " Uncle Skeeter!" "SKEETER:" "Hey!" "Get out of there!" " Five..." " No!" " Grab the bar!" " Four..." "Three..." "Two..." "One!" "The king has issued a proclamation." "The hotel moves away." "The school will stay." "Long live Webster Elementary!" " Mom!" " Mom!" "Bobbi!" "Patrick!" "Oh!" "Hey, hey, hey." "You guys underdemeciated me." "Come here!" "I just got to know you guys." "You think I'm gonna let you slip away from me now?" "BOBBI:" "I knew you were the good guy." "Yeah." "Uh, Patrick, hi." "I'm Trisha Sparks." "I just wanted you to know that..." "thanks for saving the school." "Western." "Go Western." " No thanks necessary, ma'am." " That's my boy." "That's my boy." "There must be some way for me to show my appreciation." "Oh-ho-ho!" "Get it." "(SQUEALING)" "Ooh!" "Hoo-hoo-hoo!" "Hey, isn't she a little old for you?" " She's hot." " So is she." "What do you think?" "If Master Stinky's getting a kiss, shouldn't, shouldn't I get a little mermaid action?" " Come on, already." " SKEETER:" "Ooh!" "(CHEERING)" "MARTY:" "Now look what my boy has done." "Turned his back on the world of luxury hotel management to start a small family business." "And bless his heart, he even named it after me." "Hey, speaking of s'mores, it looks like Bugsy ate them all." "(SQUEAKING)" "We're completely out of marshmallows." "Oh, all right." "Let me handle that." "Room service!" " Yes, sir?" " SKEETER:" "Hi, Kendall." "Uh, Bugsy's out of marshmallows." "If you could just go get him some, that would be great." "Right on it, sir." "Anything else?" "Uh, not from you, Kendall, but, uh..." " (BELL DINGS) - ..." "Housekeeping?" "Hey, Aspen." "Could you just make sure that Bugsy's cage is clean before he checks out in the morning?" "His marshmallows don't agree with him, there's gonna be a mess." " (FARTS, CHITTERS) - (KIDS GIGGLE)" "SKEETER:" "All right." "OK, bye, guys." "MARTY:" "I think Bugsy is trying to tell us that our tale has reached its end." "But before I go, let me tell you what our heroes and villains are doing now." "My old friend, Barry Nottingham, overcame his fear of germs to such a degree that he decided to leave the hotel business and enter the field of medicine." "He is currently the school nurse at Webster Elementary." "Violet now runs the hotel empire, along with her husband, Mickey, the former room service waiter who is now the ninth-richest person in the world." "And Skeeter and Jill?" "After the double wedding of the century, they lived... well, happily ever after, running Marty's Motel and spending a lot of time with my grandkids, whose adventures have just begun." "Though, not everyone is quite so excited." "But that is a whole other story." "The end." "Don't Stop Believin'" "♪ Don't stop believing" "♪ Hold on to that feeling" "♪ Streetlight people" "♪ Oh-oh-whoa" "♪ Don't stop believing" "♪ Hold on" "♪ Streetlight people" "♪ Oh-oh-whoa" "♪ Just a small town girl" "♪ Livin' in a lonely world" "♪ She took the midnight train" "♪ Goin' anywhere" "♪ Just a city boy" "♪ Born and raised in south Detroit" "♪ He took the midnight train" "♪ Goin' anywhere" "♪ A singer in a smoky room" "♪ A smell of wine and cheap perfume" "♪ For a smile they can share the night" "♪ It goes on and on and on and on" "♪ Strangers waiting" "♪ Up and down the boulevard" "♪ Their shadows" "♪ Searching in the night" "♪ Streetlight people" "♪ Living just to find emotion" "♪ Hiding" "♪ Somewhere in the night" "♪ Working hard to get my fill" "♪ Everybody wants a thrill" "♪ Paying anything to roll the dice" "♪ Just one more time" "♪ Some will win" "♪ Some will lose" "♪ Some were born to sing the blues" "♪ Oh the movie never ends" "♪ It goes on and on and on and on" "♪ Strangers waiting" "♪ Up and down the boulevard" "♪ Their shadows" "♪ Searching in the night" "♪ Streetlight people" "♪ Living just to find emotion" "♪ Hiding" "♪ Somewhere in the night" "♪ Don't stop believing" "♪ Hold on to that feeling" "♪ Streetlight people" "♪ Oh-oh-whoa" "♪ Don't stop believing" "♪ Hold on" "♪ Streetlight people" "♪ Oh-oh-whoa ♪"