"Malory (o.S.):" "No, coordinate with rome, then get me the" "Latest intel, then tell rodney they need travel documents" "An hour ago..." "Then bring me the file I asked for!" "Gillette:" "Why don't I shove a broom up my ass and sweep the" "Floor while I'm at it?" "Malory:" "What was that?" "!" "Gillette:" "Nothing." "Malory:" "Good." "Saves you the embarrassment of an incredibly" "Homophobic remark." "Cheryl/carol:" "Aww." "Gillette:" "Ew!" "Malory:" "Go!" "Gillette:" "Ow!" "Lana:" "Ow!" "Gillette (o.S.):" "Sorry!" "Lana:" "What's going on?" "Malory:" "Where?" "Lana:" "Uh, this new place called here!" "Malory:" "Nothing lana:" "Wh-?" "Malory." "Cheryl/carol:" "Good luck, she just had an electro " "Malory: " " Electromagnetic lock installed, are you serious?" "Lana:" "Malory malory:" "Because I'm seriously" "Asking, did krieger give you robot hands?" "Krieger:" "Not yet!" "But you just say the word." "Lana:" "The - [zzrrrzz]." "Lana:" "Out." "Malory:" "Can't have anything nice..." "Malory:" "Krieger!" "Krieger:" "Jazz hands!" "Malory:" "Should've never taken him to see "the wiz."" "Lana:" "The broadway show or the movie?" "Krieger:" "Jazz hands!" "Malory:" "Both." "Krieger:" "Jazz hands!" "Lana:" "I -- whatever, look, obviously there's " "Malory:" "Nothing!" "Is going on, lana!" "If there were, I would" "Tell you, but - [dooot]" "Cheryl/carol:" "Uh, there's a cardinal corelli on line one" "For you?" "Something about a radical faction of the swiss" "Guard assassinating the pope tomorrow night?" "Lana:" "You need to get that?" "[theme music]" "Lana:" "Do you." "Need to get that." "Malory:" "No, I'm sure whoever it is - [dooot] cheryl/carol (o.S.):" "It's the" "Vatican!" "Line one!" "Jesus!" "Cheryl/carol: (gasp) shit, I hope he didn't hear that." "(gasp) or that, shit!" "Malory:" "Just put him through, you idiot!" "Cheryl/carol (o.S.):" "Okay, jesus!" "[gasp] shit..." "Malory:" "Uhhhhh ah ha ha, giancarlo!" "Como stai?" "Corelli:" "Molto meglio, cara mia, now that I see your eyes," "Your lips, your..." "Malory:" "Giancarlo!" "Siete senza vergogna." "Corelli:" "And you, are the only woman who ever made me regret" "Taking the holy orders." "Malory:" "And you are the only man who ever made me " "Ron cadillac:" "Come oonnn!" "I'm right here, ya know!" "Malory:" "Why?" "!" "Ron cadillac:" "Gettin new carpet in my office." "Which," "Speaking of..." "Malory:" "Ron?" "!" "Corelli:" "Malory, you have married?" "Malory:" "Ehh..." "Corelli:" "You are a fortunate man, signore." "Ron cadillac:" "Ah, blow it out yer cassock." "Malory:" "Ron!" "Corelli:" "Malory." "We don't have much time." "Your agents of isis," "They are ready?" "Lana:" "Or they are confused verging on angry?" "Malory:" "Lana, it's an undercover mission." "At the" "Vatican?" "Lana:" "What, they don't have black nuns?" "Although granted" "I've never seen one." "But that's not like, a rule, is it?" "Corelli:" "Ehh..." "Lana:" "Well since you're not sending me, and I assume you're" "Not sending ray..." "Malory:" "To the vatican?" "You think all those catholic" "Priests wouldn't peg him - [cough, cough] as american?" "With that hillbilly accent?" "Corelli:" "Malory, I must go now." "Please hurry!" "Lana:" "So not ray, and not me, which leaves... [gregorian chant] lana: [sigh]" "Archer:" "In nomine patris, et filii, et spiritus sancti, et" "Cetera, et - lana:" "You can't." "No one is gonna believe archer is a priest." "Archer:" "For your infor" " I'm in!" "Turn it off!" "Cheryl/carol (o.S.):" "Okay!" "Jesus!" "[gasp] shit." "Archer:" "For your information, lana, I have totally prepared" "For this mission." "Lana:" "Well there's a firs - archer:" "First thing I did was" "Watch every episode of "lucy, daughter of the devil." which" "By the way, was grossly - lana:" "Inadequate preparation," "For an undercover mission protecting the pope from an" "Assassination attempt!" "Archer:" "I was gonna say "underrated," but " "Lana:" "But even if you were prepared " "Archer:" "Which I truly feel that I am." "Lana: " " But which you're not, who's your backup if ray's not" "Going?" "Cyril?" "Archer:" "No..." "Malory:" "No, it turns out cyril - cyril:" "Aaagh!" "How bout a little warning?" "!" "Malory:" "Has a thing." "About church stuff." "Lana:" "Since when?" "Cyril:" "Since none of your beeswax, and " "Archer:" "Bwoohahaahaaa!" "Cyril:" "Aaagh!" "Lana:" "Well..." "Cyril:" "And I think I need a spanking, because I have been a" "Very naughty baaaaagh!" "Lana:" "Guess that explains that." "But it doesn't explain" "How archer's gonna run this mission by himself." "Malory:" "Well, if you were "confused verging on angry"" "Before..." "Cyril (o.S.):" "Aaagh!" "Pam (o.S.):" "What?" "!" "Pam:" "Jesus christ..." "Shit." "God damn it." "Malory:" "Pam!" "Pam:" "What." "Lana:" "Pam?" "!" "Pam:" "What?" "!" "Archer:" "Paaaam!" "Pam:" "Whaaat?" "!" "Archer:" "I dunno, what're we doing?" "Lana:" "Esatto!" "Che cosa stiamo facendo?" "!" "Pam:" "Aww man, we have to learn latin?" "Archer:" "Ew yeah, that's a dealbreaker." "Lana:" "You were speaking latin when you walked in here " "Archer:" "Mmmmno..." "Lana: " " Whereas I was just speaking italian, which neither" "Of you speak nor even understand, obviously, so " "Archer:" "So?" "!" "Lana, the assassination plot is being" "Hatched by the swiss guard?" "Lana:" "So...?" "Archer:" "So it's an eight-hour flight, so we get some tapes" "And brush up on our - lana:" "Swiss?" "Archer:" "Duh?" "Lana:" "Well, since swiss isn't a language, maybe you should" "Get some tapes on german, french, italian and romansh." "Archer:" "Maybe I will." "Malory:" "Alright." "Lana pack a bag, you're " "Archer:" "No!" "Mother come on, we don't need " "Malory:" "Lana!" "Is going!" "Lana:" "Ha!" "Malory:" "And pam, if you keep your eyes open and your big" "Mouth shut, you just might learn something from her." "Pam:" "Ha!" "Archer:" "Why are you going ha?" "!" "Pam:" "I dunno, what're we doing?" "Lana:" "I'll tell you what we should be doing." "So, who does" "The pope remind you of?" "Malory:" "Ha!" "Archer:" "What." "Lana:" "Haaa!" "Archer:" "Shut up!" "And you also shut up." "Woodhouse:" "Yessir." "Pam:" "Haaa!" "Archer:" "Why are you still going ha?" "!" "Pam:" "Pink panther's on." "Father guido sardoochbag.?" "Archer (o.S.):" "Oh really?" "Archer:" "Because she didn't specify an agent in-command," "Lana, so I would argue - lana (o.S.):" "With a fence post." "Archer:" "I wouldn't argue with a -- oof!" "Move, idiot!" "Pam:" "I'm goin as fast as I can!" "Archer:" "Not you, the - pam:" "The fence post?" "Lana (o.S.):" "Ha!" "Archer:" "It was a bollard!" "And my point was " "Lana:" "Fine!" "You're agent-in- command!" "Now shut up, brief" "Corelli, and get the access code to the pope's apartment!" "[doot] archer:" "I..." "Will, because I" "Command me to." "Lana:" "And you should eat, this could be a long night, and" "You're..." "So teeny." "Woodhouse:" "Hm?" "Lana:" "Seriously, eat, you're like a slow loris." "Woodhouse:" "Oh, no, bit off my feed, I'm afraid." "Lana:" "Woodhouse, you need to - oh c'mon, you need to fix?" "Woodhouse: [whimper] lana:" "Well, is there some" "Amount you can shoot up to get right for the mission, without" "Gettin all..." "Trainspotty?" "Woodhouse:" "Back in a tick!" "Lana:" "Oh for the -- and thanks for making me carry your bag" "Through customs!" "Woodhouse (o.S.):" "No, thank you!" "Archer (o.S.):" "Grazie." "Grazie mille, vostra..." "Majesty-o?" "Corelli:" "Your italian is, how you say, shit?" "Archer:" "Then you are not gonna like my romansh." "Corelli:" "Mio dio!" "You think this is funny?" "!" "Archer:" "I thought that was." "Corelli:" "Assassins plan to kill the holy father in his own" "Bed, on this very night, ma tu stai qui con la testa nel culo!" "Pam:" "Whoa whoa, take it down a notch, st." "Louis!" "His head is" "Not up his ass!" "Archer:" "How'd you know what he said?" "Pam:" "It was an eight-hour flight." "Archer:" "Wow, did you learn romansh?" "Pam:" "Who am I, cypher?" "The gayest x-man?" "Archer:" "I dunno, gambit looks like he knows his way around a" "Pair of - corelli:" "Basta!" "Here is the" "Access card to the holy father's private apartment." "I" "Assume you have a plan once inside?" "Pam:" "We call it the old switcheroo." "Archer:" "We absolutely do not call it the old switcheroo." "Corelli:" "Mio dio!" "Lesser cardinals: [gasp] archer:" "I know, right?" "Trope" "Alert!" "Corelli:" "Che?" "Pam:" "Eh..." "Non si traduce bene." "Lana:" "Feeling better?" "Woodhouse:" "Sound as a pound, my dear." "Where the hell are we?" "Lana:" "Uh, this new place called Italy?" "Woodhouse:" "How'd I get all the way downtown?" "Lana:" "Wh-?" "Not little Italy!" "Italy, Italy!" "Woodhouse:" "Bloody hell." "What are we doing here?" "Lana:" "Thwarting an assassination attempt on the" "Pope." "Using you as a decoy." "Woodhouse:" "Back in a tick!" "Lana:" "With ken and your weekend weather." "And you may need an" "Umbrella because it's going to be raining." "Dead ass popes." "Pam (o.S.):" "Aw crap, he's already dead." "Archer:" "No he's not, he's just old." "That's how woodhouse looks" "When he's asleep." "Pam:" "I'm gonna get a mirror." "Archer:" "Right until he wakes and sees me staring at him" "With night-vision goggles and literally pisses himself." "Hey," "Does woodhouse seem unhappy to you, or -- what the hell're you" "Doing?" "!" "Pam:" "Gonna see if his breath fogs it up." "Archer:" "Put the stupid mirror back, he's not " "Pam: [gasp] archer:" "Dead." "Nice job, oliver" "Cromwell." "Pam:" "I killed the pope!" "Archer:" "Yeah, that's why I said oliver crom " "Pam:" "Jesus christ I'm going to hell I'm going to hell I'm" "Going to hell I'm - [thwak!" "Thwak!" "Thwak!" "]" "Archer:" "Pam." "Pam:" "Yes?" "Archer:" "Get off the pope." "Archer:" "Heeey, your holiness..." "Pam:" "Is he dead?" "!" "Archer:" "I dunno, shut up, I'm - pam:" "Should I get another" "Mirror?" "But like, a much much smaller one?" "Lana (o.S.):" "No, you're half heroin already!" "[clunk] lana:" "Okay, here's junkie" "Brewster, let's..." "Where's the pope?" "Archer:" "Soo, here's the thing." "Pam:" "Promise you won't get mad?" "Lana:" "I -- actually do not promise I won't get mad," "Because here's what thing?" "Archer:" "Um..." "Lana:" "What, why is there a giant mirror on the oh my god" "You crushed the pope?" "!" "Lana:" "Don't just stand there idiots, help me get it off and" "Pam!" "Woodhouse!" "Pam:" "Huh?" "Oh!" "Woodhouse (o.S.):" "Oof!" "Woodhouse (o.S.):" "Ow!" "Pam:" "Ow!" "What the -- is that a needle?" "!" "Archer: [chuckles] lana:" "Rrrrrgh!" "Pope: [gasping] lana:" "Oh thank god!" "Pope:" "Chi siete voi, dove sono le guardie?" "!" "Lana:" "We're -- your holiness, do you speak english?" "Pope:" "Yes, of course, but - archer:" "Ha!" "Way to waste your" "Time learning italian, pam!" "Pam:" "Aw, stai zitto, testa di cazzo." "And could you...?" "Woodhouse:" "Sorry." "Pope:" "Dio mio!" "He look just like me!" "Lana:" "Yes, your holiness, he's a decoy." "We have reason to" "Believe a faction of the swiss guard will make an attempt on" "Your life tonight, so - archer:" "So if you don't mind" "Hopping out of those pope- jamas..." "Lana:" "Archer?" "We'll hide you, put him in your place, wait for" "Them to come in - pope:" "And then what?" "!" "You are" "Only two!" "Archer:" "Well three, so - pam:" "Better make that two." "Think I mighta grabbed the tail of the dragon here..." "Woodhouse:" "Ooh, then you're in for a treat!" "Archer:" "Shut up!" "And with all due respect your holiness," "It's the swiss guard..." "I think we can handle a few court jesters" "With, whatever, halberds." "Lana:" "Which, you realize are just ceremonial." "Archer:" "Obviously they're ceremonial, they were made" "Obsolete by the arquebus." "Lana:" "Which is why now they use mp-5's." "Archer:" "Oh." "Lana:" "Which is why where's the gear bag with all of our" "Automatic weapons?" "!" "Archer:" "Well I assume in the hotel room, but " "Lana:" "God - archer:" "I thought they just" "Had halberds!" "Lana:" "Do you at least have a sidearm?" "!" "Archer:" "It was ruining the lines of my cassock." "Lana:" "Dammit!" "Archer:" "And again, I honestly thought they just had - [rattle rattle] archer: " " Halberds." "Although" "Technically I think they're called voulges." "Swiss guard (o.S.):" "Santo padre!" "La porta, per favore!" "Pam:" "I got him, just toss him down!" "Lana:" "I'm not tossing the frickin pope!" "Archer:" "Somehow this is all your fault." "Pope:" "Che?" "Archer:" "Oh for the -- this is the pope!" "Lana:" "Oh, then woodhouse (o.S.) [yelp]" "Woodhouse (o.S.):" "Oof!" "Pam:" "Ow!" "Oh for shit's sake, already!" "Archer: [chuckles] lana:" "Archer shut up and find" "Us some - [krunch!" "]" "Swiss guard:" "Sparale!" "[brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrpt!" "] lana:" "Oof!" "Transport!" "Are you" "Shitting me?" "!" "Archer:" "Well it was this or the vespas!" "It's not my fault" "Italy's so gay." "Which, by the way, pope, on the gay thing..." "Pope:" "La sacra bibbia says it is a mortal sin." "But get me out" "Of here alive and I will pardon you for it, my son." "Archer:" "Wh-?" "No, I - pam:" "Haaaa!" "Cheryl/carol (o.S.):" "So why are you scared of church stuff?" "Did the unspeakable happen?" "To your slender, hairless, adolescent body?" "Cyril:" "Wh-?" "No!" "Cheryl/carol:" "Aww..." "Cyril:" "Eww!" "Cheryl/carol:" "Right?" "!" "Cyril:" "First of all, I'm not - I'm not scared of priests or" "Nuns or - cheryl/carol:" "Bishops?" "Cyril:" "No, I just -- cheryl/carol:" "Bishop the" "Android from aliens?" "Cyril:" "No!" "I told ms." "Archer that because I didn't wanna go" "On another mission with the world's worst colleague." "Cheryl/carol:" "Bishop the android from aliens?" "Cyril:" "Archer!" "You think he's a dick here?" "On a mission he's" "Ten times worse." "Cheryl/carol:" "That's impossible." "Archer (o.S.) oh really?" "!" "Pam:" "Yes, really!" "A, I was a race car driver!" "And b " "Lana:" "Archer." "Archer:" "Your holiness, a little help?" "!" "Pam:" "The pope could drive better than you!" "Pope:" "No no, io non guido." "Pam:" "Ugh, esatto?" "Pope: (chuckling) oh, capito..." "Archer:" "Why're you taking her side?" "!" "She's lutheran!" "Pope:" "Eh, luther had some valid complaints." "Lana:" "Drive the ffffffffrickin car!" "Archer:" "Okay, lana!" "What is your problem?" "Lana:" "Well there's you..." "And also that." "Archer:" "Why aren't they on horseback?" "!" "Lana:" "Because why would they be?" "!" "Archer:" "Right, halberdsmen are foot-soldiers." "Pope:" "Mi scusi, the bigger question is, if they really are" "The swiss guards..." "Pam:" "Why are they wearing swiss guard uniforms, driving a" "Swiss guard car?" "!" "Pope:" "Esatto." "Lana:" "Holy sh -- it's a false flag operation!" "To make it look" "Like the swiss guard!" "Pope:" "Who told you I was to be assassinated?" "Archer:" "Cardinal corelli!" "He - lana:" "He wouldn't, by any" "Chance, be next in line for the papacy, would he?" "Pope:" "Well, there would be an election " "Archer:" "Right, with the smudge- pot..." "Pope: " " But corelli would be sure to win." "Lana:" "Pretty good motive." "Pam: (laughing) yeah, you must make a shitlo - [brrrrrrrrpt!" "] everybody:" "Ahhhhhhhh!" "[skreeech] lana:" "Go!" "What're you" "Doing?" "!" "Archer:" "I'm letting them catch up!" "Everybody:" "Why?" "!" "Archer:" "Can I finish?" "!" "He asked, agent-incommandingly!" "Take the wheel and maintain speed!" "Woodhouse, lighter!" "Woodhouse:" "I'm only ninety pounds wet, sir!" "Archer:" "What?" "No you idiot, your spoon-cooker!" "Woodhouse:" "Oh right." "Archer:" "Like pulling teeth with you people." "Lana!" "Head" "Toward swiss guard hq!" "Lana:" "What, while you request freebird?" "!" "Archer:" "Ha, ha." "Ha, ha, ha." "Ahh." "[brrrrrrrpt] actually that was pretty good," "For you at least, but no, while I do..." "Shit, I had a pun about flares." "Lana:" "Fake dynamite?" "!" "Pam:" "That's your plan?" "!" "So hey, can I squeeze in a" "Confession?" "Pope: (chuckling) oho, ora dov'è il tuo martin luther?" "Pam:" "Fine, I'll buy a damn indulgence!" "Oh wait..." "Archer:" "Wait until they're right beside us, then swerve" "Into em!" "Lana:" "What, so you're crushed between the " "Archer:" "Woohoohoohoooooooooo!" "Lana:" "Shoulda seen that comin..." "Archer:" "Hey, I can see st." "Peter's from " "Lana:" "Archer look ooouuut!" "Archer:" "Goddammit, quit telling me what to do!" "I'm the" "Goddamn agent-in-command!" "Pope:" "Figo, he really drops the g.D. Bombs..." "Pam:" "Plus he's a whoremonger." "Lana:" "Cough." "Pam:" "Oh please, who hasn't paid for it?" "!" "Still talking" "About indulgences." "Archer (o.S.):" "Lana now!" "Lana:" "He said, last wordsingly." "Hang on!" "Everybody:" "Ahhhh, oh!" "Driver:" "Sparale!" "Sparale!" "[brrrrrrrrrpt!" "] archer:" "What the-?" "!" "Pam," "What'd he say?" "!" "Pam:" "What do you think he said, dicknuts?" "!" "Pay attention" "To the frickin context!" "Archer:" "Well sorry I don't have your language-nerd skills!" "Hang on..." "Pambit!" "Pam (o.S.):" "Wrong x-man, dumbass!" "Archer:" "Still though... [brrrrrrrrrrrrpt!" "] driver:" "Non lui!" "Il papa!" "Spar'al papa!" "Swiss guard:" "Ohhhh..." "Lana:" "Ohhh, shit!" "Pam!" "Woodhouse/pope:" "Ungh!" "Ungh!" "[brrrrrrrrrrrrpt!" "] lana/pam:" "Unghh!" "Archer:" "Lanaaaa!" "Lana:" "Rrrgh." "I'm fine!" "Pam:" "Yeah me too, asshole!" "Archer (o.S.):" "Oh good." "Lana:" "Is the pope hit?" "!" "Pam:" "Uhh..." "No, he's, they're both good." "Driver:" "Recarica!" "Spara di nuovo!" "Archer:" "Really wish I hadn't focused so heavily on the" "Romansh..." "Archer [snoring] woman's voice:" "Lesson" "One." "Leshau untg." "Pam:" "Context!" "They're reloading!" "Archer:" "Ohhh..." "That's what you mean by context?" "Driver (o.S.):" "Spara!" "Lana:" "What else could she possibly mean?" "!" "Archer:" "Who am I, william safire?" "!" "Oh and speaking of..." "In the hole!" "[shump] lana:" "What?" "Archer:" "Safire in the hole, lana, it's a - [kabrooooom!" "] everybody:" "Waaaagh!" "Archer:" "Lana look oooooouuuu - [krooom!" "]" "[car alarms blaring] archer:" "Ow." "Commander:" "So." "The good news is, my men have apprehended" "Cardinal corelli, who immediately confessed to the" "Plot." "Pam:" "Hey heyyy, that is good news!" "Lana:" "You know how the whole "the good news is" thing works," "Right?" "Commander:" "The bad news is - pam:" "Oh right." "Commander: " " The men you killed were camorra." "Pam:" "What're they, like the mafia?" "Commander: (chuckle) the camorra is like your mafia" "Like..." "Lana:" "Seal team six is like the girl scouts." "Commander:" "Exactly." "Pam:" "So..." "Equally sexy?" "Lana:" "Eww!" "Pam:" "Oww!" "Archer (o.S.):" "Oww!" "Archer:" "But the real good news, ow!" "Dick!" "Is that we" "Saved the pope's life." "Commander:" "For which we are grateful." "However..." "We cannot tell these two apart, so..." "Archer:" "So I actually have an idea about that." "Lana:" "Is it take them both home, see which one's a better" "Butler, and give the other one back to the catholic church?" "Archer:" "Never mind." "Lana:" "Then why don't we leave them both here until they come" "To." "I'm sure woodhouse never gets a vacation." "Archer:" "Are you kidding?" "I didn't even let him go to his" "Brother's funeral." "Pam:" "What?" "!" "Lana:" "Oh my -- you asshole!" "Was he crushed?" "!" "Archer:" "Probably woulda been." "If I'd told him about it." "Lana:" "Ugh." "But wait, why did corelli hire isis to prevent" "The assassination?" "Commander:" "To show the cardinals he was trying to" "Prevent it, all the while assuming " "Lana:" "What, that we'd totally bl-ow my god he assumed we'd" "Totally blow it?" "!" "Commander:" "Well..." "Isis has a certain reputation." "Archer:" "Hey, whoa!" "Not cool, payne stewart!" "Lana:" "Oh, my god, if malory ever hears about this " "Archer:" "Which she won't!" "Because pam?" "!" "Pam:" "What?" "Archer:" "Promise you'll never tell mother!" "Pam:" "Okay, I promise!" "Swear to god!" "Malory (o.S.):" "What?" "!" "Archer/lana (o.S.):" "Pam!" "Pam!" "Pam (o.S.):" "Haaaaa!" "?" "[theme music]"