"(barking orders)" "Easy." "Easy!" "Easy!" "Ooh, my feet!" "My feet!" "I'll put in some more Epsom salts." "What are you trying to do, pickle 'em?" "Oh, walk, walk, walk, walk, walk from the motor pool, walk to the mess hall, walk!" "When I was a civilian, I used to see the newsreels." "Every time I saw a soldier, he was in a jeep." "In every newsreel, soldiers were in jeeps." "I joined the Army." "That's where I made my mistake." "I should have joined the newsreel." "(knocking at door)" "Come in!" "Special message-- Sergeant Bilko." "Oh, Gunga Din is here." "Sign here, please." "Neither snow, rain or sleet will stop these couriers from delivering their red tape." "All right, snoopy, all right." "(barking orders)" "(door shuts)" "What am I doing reading this?" "I'm off duty." "Read it." "Hey, it's from Colonel Hall." "Well, read it louder." "May be good for some laughs." "(chuckles)" ""Wanted:" "A master sergeant to volunteer."" "Volunteer?" "I told you never to use that word in these barracks!" "You know what we ought to do?" "We ought to wash his mouth out with soap." "I'm sorry." "What does it say?" "Oh, it's some new security regulations from Washington." "The colonel wants a master sergeant to volunteer to check the doors of the armory once a day." "(chuckles) He wants a sergeant to volunteer?" "Colonel must be drinking." "All right, all right, what else?" "The usual Army double-talk." "Uh, "Suborder A5, Regulation PTP,"" "whatever that means." "Whatever that..." ""Whatever that means"?" "!" "If you knew how long I've been waiting to hear those words." "Get me my shoes." "I'm gonna volunteer." "Volunteer?" "!" "Are you nuts?" "!" "Sarge, what's this "PTP"?" "If I told you guys once, I told you a thousand times, learn the Army abbreviations." "They're the key to gracious living." ""PTP" means "personal transportation provided."" "Gentlemen, we have got us a jeep." "A jeep!" "Ha-ha!" "Yeah, but what if the other master sergeants volunteer?" "Not a chance, for two reasons:" "One, those meatballs are too dumb to know that "PTP" means "jeep."" "Two, I am about to lay a smoke screen with charm to see that they don't even suspect that "PTP" means "jeep."" "Ah, Mess Sergeant Sowici." "Mmm-hmm!" "What do you want?" "Nothing." "Just passing by your kitchen." "It smelled so good, I just had to drop in." "What smelled so good?" "I'm just boiling out the pots." "You see that?" "In the hands of an artist, even that smells good." "You know, pal, I was telling the guys only yesterday we're lucky to have a mess sergeant like you on this post." "Crazy about my cooking, huh?" "The best!" "Then how come last month you were running all over the post trying to organize a hunger strike?" "You won't give up on that." "Why don't you let bygones be by...?" "(slaps back)" "Don't you see I'm trying to be friendly, pal?" "Every time you want to be friendly with me, it either costs me money or a night's sleep or a girl." "What is it this time?" "Well, I just have to give up." "I tried, I tried." "I guess I'll just have to forget that idea of mine." "What idea?" "Mess Appreciation Day." "Mess Appreciation Day?" "What's that?" "Just an idea I had." "I figure one day we set aside, you guys in the kitchen just sit on chairs, you don't move, you don't boil a pot." "We serve you." "Mess Appreciation Day." "Gee, we get very little appreciation." "None!" "On Arbor Day, they even honor a shrub." "Why not you, Stanley boy?" "I see-- Mess Appreciation Day." "Gee, Ernie, what I can't figure out" "is why you..." "Ah, figure, figure, figure." "Why you always looking a good thought in the mouth?" "Figure, figure." "Doesn't it figure that once" "I'd like to do something nice for my fellow soldiers?" "Yeah." "This is the new Bilko, pal." "I've changed." "For instance, did you see that new detail?" "I volunteered for it" " PTP." "PTP?" "What's that?" "I looked it up." "It means you gotta wear puttees, trench knife, paratroop boots..." "Oh, yeah, I know." "Look, if you want the detail, I'll give it up, but" "No, no, no!" "I just can't get over the change in you, Bilko." "Look, a man changes." "A man gets tired of being a heel." "Hey, you mind if I take this pot of coffee over to Pendleton?" "He's beat." "He's been outfitting rookies all day." "Sure, sure." "But that Mess Appreciation Day, Ernie." "What Mess Appreciation Day?" "You know, the..." "Oh, oh, yeah, Mess Appreciation Day." "Yeah, yeah." "When is it?" "When is what?" "That Mess Appreciation Day." "Oh, Mess Appreci..." "Yes." "Well, it's got to pass through the Pentagon, pal." "I'm working on it;" "it's on my mind all the time, pal." "I can't get over it;" "you serving me coffee?" "Why not?" "I was on my way over here to tell you about the new phone you always wanted." "Phone?" "What phone?" "What phone?" "I know these little things." "I talked Grover into it." "I know you've always wanted an extension phone." "An extension phone?" "For years I been trying!" "Ernie, I sure had you pegged wrong." "Andrew, I had myself pegged wrong." "I..." "Hey, isn't this one of those jackets that Grover has always wanted?" "Oh, yeah, but that's an officer's jacket." "He's a sergeant." "Yeah, but you know how he feels about his looks." "Yeah, but Ernie, it's against regulations." "Regulations?" "Isn't Grover cutting a few corners to get that phone in for you, pal?" "Oh, gosh, Ernie, you're making me realize what a heel I am." "Take it to him." "Okay, buddy." "Oh, incidentally," "I don't know if you noticed that new detail today" " PTP" "I volunteered for it." "PTP?" "You know what it means." ""Patrol triangle of parade grounds."" "Oh, that's right." "Yeah." "Look, you want the detail, I'll bow out." "No, no, no, I never give it a thought." "Andy, it's good to see you." "Enjoy your coffee." "Oh, Ernie, wait a minute." "What?" "I know why you're volunteering." "Why?" "You think you have to prove this?" "This shows you're a nice guy?" "You don't have to prove anything, Ernie." "Yes, I do, Andy." "Gotta prove it to myself." "In here." "What are you looking at?" "You got nothing better to do than stand around looking all day?" "!" "(voice breaking):" "I sure had him wrong." "Sharp, sharp." "Ernie, I'm ashamed." "When you called me in," "I didn't know what was gonna happen." "But this jacket!" "You sure must have worked on that Pendleton." "For months." "Look, I told him, "Here we got Grover," ""the best-looking guy on the post." "We gotta dress him accordingly."" "Aw, cut it out, Ernie." "Look, pal, you don't put a prize rose in a dirty glass." "(chuckles)" "Beautiful." "How I envy you." "Come on, Ernie." "Looks ain't everything." "Hey, you know, I volunteered for that PTP detail today." "I seem to be getting a little bit..." "PTP." "Yeah, you know what it means." "You gotta have a pistol, tent and packsack." "Oh, I know-- murder." "It's a murderous detail, but I figure the colonel would stick one of you guys with it, so I volunteered." "Well, thanks for the jacket." "Hey, hey, why don't you surprise Pendleton?" "Why don't you put in that phone for him?" "But Ernie, regulations." "Regulations?" "A handsome sergeant in an officer's jacket... (Grover chuckles) ...talking about regulations?" "Okay, I'll have a couple of boys put it in tonight." "Okay, pappy." "Wait a minute." "Wait a minute." "Do that again." "Do that." "And the way they rave about Gregory Peck." "I don't understand." "Aw, cut it out, Ernie!" "So long, handsome." "So long, Ernie." "Don't knock the girls over..." "Oh, wee-wee wow!" "Here we go." "Well, that takes care of the last block." "Leaves the way open for that great open-field runner." "What was that man's name again?" "B-I..." "Oh, yeah." "Bilko!" "Bilko..." "E. Bilko." "FP-- former pedestrian." "(all laugh)" "Now a member of that great American motoring public." "Come in." "OLSEN:" "Special bulletin." "Good news!" "Mr." "Good News." "Good new..." "Yeah?" "No kidding?" "All right, all right, you know there's not tipping in the Army." "On the double!" "(barks order) Beat it!" "Yes, sir." "(door slams)" "Here it is, men." "From Colonel J.T. Hall." ""My request for a volunteer" ""for special detail Suborder A5 has resulted" ""in the following volunteering for the detail:" "Master Sergeant E. Bilko and Master Sergeant L. Hogan."" "(chuckles) When we pick the jeep out at the motor pool," "I want a big..." "Who said "Hogan"?" "Who said "Sergeant Hogan"?" "You did." "You did." "I said, "Ho..."?" ""Sergeant L. Hogan."" "There's no Sergeant Hogan on the post." "There is now on the post, on the list, and he's got one leg in our jeep!" "HENSHAW:" "From out of nowhere, this..." "All right, all right, all right, relax!" "Emergency?" "Bilko takes care of it." "Just start thinking of a name for the jeep." "Hey, Olsen-- snoopy-- get in here for a message, on the double." "Dee-dee-dee..." "Well, don't just stand around." "Think of a name for the jeep." "But what about this Hogan?" "!" "Did you ever know me to goof off on an emergency?" "Just don't worry about it, pal." "And... "Tonight at 8:00, welcome to party" "for Sergeant Hogan."" "What party?" "Please? "Terrace Room, Hotel Roosevelt." "Host:" "Ernie Bilko."" "Ernie." "Ernie!" "Not here... here, pal." "You gotta think with your heart." "What makes this joker volunteer?" "What?" "Lonely!" "He wants to meet people." "Tonight, he meets me." "Tomorrow, he withdraws his name." "(chuckles) -(knocking at door)" "Come in." "Hey, Olsen, be a good boy, deliver this to Sergeant L. Hogan." "Top secret." "On the double." "Sure." "(barking orders)" "(door opens, shuts)" "Now, look, we gotta start thinking of the party." "We gotta get little gifts for him." "Make him feel at home." "I gotta get him a date." "I'll tell you who later." "I'll work..." "Mata Hari..." "When you're through reading that note," "I want you to see that Sowici, Pendleton and Grover are invited to the party, too." "On the double..." "Yes, sir!" "(barking orders)" "All right, now remember," "I want Hogan sitting right here in the middle." "Right." "You got all the gifts?" "Yeah." "Suppose he's already got a Marilyn Monroe calendar?" "So what?" "He can always trade it in for an Ava Gardner T-shirt." "It doesn't matter." "Now look, you got that free pass to the steam baths?" "Right here, Sarge." "Good." "Leave it right here..." "How about it, fellas?" "A party, and for a guy he don't even know." "Ernie, you're all heart!" "Come on, Pendleton, don't be so emotional!" "I'll..." "Ernie, it's all set." "Good." "Rocco, did you get in touch with Mildred?" "Yeah, I finally located her." "That's..." "That's the date I'm getting for Hogan." "You located her?" "Yep." "Did you call Harrigan's Poolroom, like I told you?" "Somebody there knew where to reach her?" "What somebody?" "She answered the phone." "That's Mildred." "Hey, is that the Mildred that...?" "Yeah, yeah." "The barracuda." "Ooh..." "All right, all right, all right." "She's a nice girl." "Just because she works in her father's fish store..." "Now look, you told her this is a formal party, dress up..." "No rubber boots." "You told her?" "I told her Hogan..." "Hogan was a millionaire's son and he looked like Tony Curtis." "Good." "You getting Hogan a date?" "I want to make him feel like a big man." "Hey, how about this guy Hogan?" "He's supposed to be" "the guest of honor." "He'll be here." "When he gets here, make him feel right at home." "Sure." "Gentlemen?" "Yeah?" "Are you expecting a Sergeant Hogan?" "Yeah, yeah, yeah!" "Bring..." "He's here, he's here!" "Line up, quick!" "This way, Sergeant." "# For... #" "ALL:" "# He's a jolly good fellow #" "# For he's a jolly good fellow #" "# For he's a jolly good fell... #" "(voice breaking):" "# Fellow... #" "(laughs)" "(Southern accent):" "Sergeant Bilko?" "Yes, I'm Sergeant Bilko." "Are you Sergeant..." "Yes. (chuckles) -..." "Hogan?" "Oh, well." "This is Sergeant Sowici." "How do you do?" "Sergeant Grover." "How do you do?" "Look out for him." "He's a killer." "There's Sergeant Pendleton." "How do you do?" "Corporal Henshaw." "How do you do?" "Corporal Barbella." "How do you do?" "You know, you know, I can't help but get the feeling" "you weren't expecting me." "(chuckling)" "We weren't expecting..." "We weren't expecting, uh, anybody as charming as you." "Won't you sit down?" "Oh!" "For me?" ""See you in the steam room." Oh..." "What is that?" "What is that?" "That's very sweet..." "Somebody goofed off!" "I distinctly told you!" "Now, what's the matter with you?" "!" "Didn't I tell you to get those nylons?" "Oh, now, didn't you expect a man?" "Now, fess up." "Oh..." "(chuckling)" "Oh, you're in for a lot of surprise." "Just sit down, sergeant." "Oh, thank you." "Hiya, boys!" "BARBELLA:" "It's Mildred!" "Oh, madam!" "Well, where's my date?" "No, there seems to be..." "The Ladies' Club are meeting in the Terrace Room. (grunts)" "Now, you see, when I told..." "What are you talking about?" "!" "I was invited to this party!" "Madam, some other t..." "Will you get rid...?" "!" "I was, um..." "We were talking about you earlier." "Where's my date?" "He's supposed to be a tall, handsome sergeant like Tony Curtis." "Tall, handsome sergeant?" "Well, that's fits Grover." "Grover?" "You know, when I..." "Come on, honey." "Get your hands off of me, tomato face!" "Tomato face?" "!" "You heard me!" "Who are you calling tomato face?" "Oh, what do you mean?" "She called me "tomato face"!" "Now-Now just..." "Mildred..." "Mildred?" "All I know is one thing:" "I got a date with a Sergeant Hogan, and I'm keeping it!" "(laughs) She has a date." "A date?" "A date!" "She called me "tomato face."" "You are a tomato face!" "Now wait." "Just a minute..." "Excuse me." "Certainly, I understand." "Mildred, I can explain this whole..." "Don't give me any of that fancy Bilko double-talk." "I want to know just one thing." "Now..." "Where's my date?" "Where's Sergeant Hogan?" "Mildred, I..." "But I'm Sergeant Hogan." "What's the matter, you guys?" "USO laying down on the job?" "You gotta figure out your own jokes and entertainment?" "(chuckles) Big joke, huh?" "!" "No, no, wait, wait, now, Mildred, now look, please." "Is there anything I can do?" "There is!" "Drop dead!" "I-I... we... we..." "And the next time you call Harrigan's Poolroom, I'm not in!" "You know, you know, she's mad at you." "Oh, she'll get over it." "Well, let's have the party." "Here we are!" "No, no, no, no, no." "(Bilko mumbles)" "Please, please..." "Please." "I know I'm stupid, but I do catch on." "You're expecting a man." "Now, I'll just run along." "I don't want to spoil your party." "No, no, wait, no, no." "Wait a s... wait a second, Sergeant." "There may have been a little misunderstanding, but the important thing is, we wanted to meet Sergeant Hogan, we want you to meet us." "Oh, that's great, but Ser..." "To learn and Sergeant Bilko, I've been wanting to meet you for years." "You know, ever since I went to Camp Collins." "Camp Collins, my old prep school." "Yeah." "Dad insisted that I attend there." "(both laugh)" "You know, they still tell stories about the things you did there." "Lies." "All exaggerations." "You know how they talk." "Oh." "But the main thing is I want you to know me, to learn to trust me if you ever need a friend for some advice or anything." "Ooh, advice." "Yes." "Oh..." "I'm glad you brought that up." "Now look, you started off on the wrong foot today." "I did?" "You volunteered for that new detail." "Oh, that's a bad deal, huh?" "Oh, you really pulled a boo-boo there." "Looks like a cinch, doesn't it?" "Oh..." "Oh, sure." "Just inspect the armory doors once in..." "Oh, no, it's a hidden trap there, kid." "You gotta bring in ammunition, clean out the guns in there," "rearrange the chairs." "Oh, no!" "Well, see, I didn't know that." "I just said... uh, I just read that the order said, "PTP..."" "(chuckles) PTP." "Oh, I could tell you what that means." "Oh, well, I know what it means:" "a jeep." "Uh..." "What'd she say?" "No, what?" "What'd she say?" "What?" "!" "PENDLETON:" "PTP?" "What's he talking...?" "Look, I..." "It's "jeep"?" "!" "She called me "tomato face."" "Did you hear about Mildred calling him a tomato face?" "That was way out of line." "She should have never said that." "Never mind about him." "No, no, I don't like..." "She said "jeep"!" "What are you talking about jeeps?" "Here's a poor man with a bleeding heart from a careless remark made from a thoughtless young lady..." "Never mind about the callous remark." "She said, "jeep"!" "It's about PTP..." "This is my buddy!" "I don't like my buddy..." "Now wait a minute..." "(grunts)" "Aw, shut up!" "The "new" Bilko." "With the same old double-crossing ways." "Let's get out of here." "Now, wait a minute." "Wait a minute, Pendleton." "We're gonna play a little poker." "Come on." "Poker with you?" "What do we look like, a suicide squad?" "Look, look, look, Sowici..." ""Mess Appreciation Day."" "Aw, Grover, look, I can..." "She called me "tomato face."" "She should've never..." "Come on!" "That's not a thing to call me-- "tomato face."" "She never should've called you that." "GROVER:" "All the time... (mutters)" "You're a pretty cute little operator, huh?" "(giggles)" "You had me fooled for a minute." "I don't know what you're talking about." "(mocking):" "Y'all don't know what I'm talking about?" "(normal voice):" "Oh, yes, you had me camouflaged with those baby blue eyes." "But I'm hip to you now." "You're pretty sharp." "You know all the abbreviations, don't ya?" "You're a pretty wise little cookie." "Sergeant, if I did anything to make you mad, well, I'd just die!" "Honey, you don't have to die." "You tangle with me, you're gonna get annihilated." "Bilko, from Bilko, from Bilko." "And look at this one:" "A screw is missing from his bunk." "He wants you to look up the name of the manufacturer," "date of contract, specifica..." "Hey, Olsen!" "Bilko's looking for ya." "Oh, no!" "Please withdraw your name!" "My dogs are killing me!" "(laughs) That's so silly." "Here's some more." "Look, Sergeant, somebody should have warned you." "Nobody on this post tangles with Bilko." "He'll wrap you up in red tape like a mummy." "Oh..." "Withdraw from the detail, please!" "Corporal Klatch, you got Sergeant Bilko all wrong." "(Hogan speaks indistinctly)" "Where are those daily reports?" "!" "Oh, excuse me, Colonel." "(stammers)" "I'll take that." "Uh, here." "Is that...?" "Uh, what's going on here?" "!" "Excuse me, Colonel." "We're flooded with requisitions!" "We've got all these reports." "Oh, I see." "Bilko has struck again." "(typewriter clacking)" "I'll put a stop to this." "Sergeant Hogan." "Oh, yes, sir?" "Uh, please... withdraw your name from that volunteer detail." "We'll never get anything done." "Oh, Colonel, honestly, I'll have these cleared up in no time at all." "It's much more than it looks, really." "This is just the beginning." "You don't know Bilko!" "He'll find regulations that the Pentagon doesn't know about!" "Oh, I can't imagine he could do a thing like that. -(whistling)" "Colonel, sir." "Sergeant Hogan, will you push this lost article tracer through X5 as quickly as possible, please?" "Tracer X5?" "Where did you dig that one up?" "Well, sir, that's one of the little-known regulations." "I think it was put in the books, uh, during the Spanish-American War." "The Spanish-American War?" "(Hall groans)" "Yeah, I don't know if I remember the ruling correctly." "I think it says that if an enlisted man ever loses an article and he's charged for it, he can demand a record of his entire equipment during his Army career checked." "WOMAN:" "His whole career?" "!" "Yes, uh, let me see." "Now, in 1939, I lost a barracks bag." "It had a little hole on the si..." "Oh, it'd take a year to check a thing like that." "A year?" "Well, that's silly." "If Sergeant Hogan devotes all her time to it-- as she must do, according to regulation-- and has no extra duties to distract her, why, she could have it cleared up in six months." "BOTH:" "Six months?" "!" "Yes, and then she'll have time to take care of Corporal Barbella's tracer claim." "Yeah, I lost a fatigue cap in Guadalcanal, size six." "Size six?" "WOMAN:" "Do you realize...?" "(women clamoring)" "Girls, girls, girls, I think I can handle this." "Now, Sergeant Bilko, I'll be very happy to start tracing that barracks bag as soon as you've given me your inventory." "All righty." "(typewriter clacking)" "Inventory?" "What inventory?" "Surely you know that I can't start, uh, checking a tracer claim until, uh, I've gotten a classified inventory of every article that you've ever been issued since you came into the Army." "But he's been in the Army 15 years!" "Well, I can't help it." "It was a regulation put on the books during the Civil War." "And it's just never b..." "Never mind." "Well, what about your barracks bag?" "I just found it." "Oh." "Sergeant, you forgot these." "(whispers indistinctly)" "Well, Sergeant, in all fairness," "I better leave you with this parting remark:" "As they say at Madison Square Garden..." ""Protect yourself at all times."" ""Pro..." What are you butting in with ideas?" "(women laughing)" "Get outta here!" "(chuckles)" "Truce?" "Friends?" "Oh, Sergeant Bilko, I'd just die if you didn't consider me one of your most loyal and devoted... (teeth grinding)" "Good girl." "(both chuckle)" "Look, we got this whole camp in a tizzy jockeying for position to get that jeep." "Everybody's all upset." "What do you say we get it over with real quick?" "Anything you say, Sergeant." "Why don't we just flip a coin, or maybe better, why don't we just cut cards for it?" "Cut cards?" "Yeah." "What's that?" "Well, it's very simple." "You cut cards." "The high man wins." "And the low man, well, he withdraws her name." "(Hogan chuckles)" "Or his name." "Want to cut cards?" "I have a deck of cards with..." "(mumbled protests)" "Oh, I have it right here." "Draw?" "Shuffle 'em." "Your pick." "Never mind." "Hey..." "(sighs)" "I recognize that shuffle from someplace." "(chuckles) Well, of course." "It's called "The Bilko Shuffle."" "My first sergeant at Camp Collins taught it to me," "Emily Gribble." "Emily Gribble?" "You know her?" "Uh-huh, yes." "She used to go out with me." "I know." "That's where she learned about cards." "Emily Gribble." "Uh-huh." "She still in the Army?" "Oh, no, no, she's a dealer in Las Vegas." "That's great, isn't it?" "How do you like what happens to me?" "I spend my whole career creating a group of Frankensteins." "Listen... friends?" "Friends." "Let's forget all this bickering." "After all, there are other things to talk about." "As a friend..." "Yes?" "...will you meet me at the Roseville Roof at 8:00 for a little dancing?" "I'd love to!" "Swell." "I hear there's gonna be a full moon tonight." "Ooh, a full moon?" "(romantic music plays)" "(whispered grunt)" "# Tonight's the night #" "# I'll capture her tonight. #" "Ernie, I'm ashamed of you." "You never had to stoop to nothing like this before;" "making a woman fall for you so's you can get a jeep." "Woman?" "What woman?" "That's no woman." "That's a hooded cobra." "Stop being so noble and think of a name for our jeep." "You sure she's gonna fall, huh?" "Are you kidding?" "He's pulling out all the stops on her." "He's giving her the famous Bilko Blitz!" "For which there is no known defense." "(cackling)" "Ernie, be fair!" "Fair?" "She asked for it, didn't she?" "Look, fellas, this is a big thing tonight." "It's not just getting a jeep or proving my reputation." "This is the war of man against woman. (chuckles)" "Hand me that perfume." "Perfume?" "I'll show her no mercy." "(Henshaw chuckles)" "Hey, watch it..." "Hey, you know, she's a pretty smart cookie." "How can you be so sure?" "How can you be so not, eh...?" "What, have you been living under a carpet?" "(Bilko laughs)" "Fender, it's the Bilko Blitz." "Look at the record." "37 consecutive knockouts." "Always the same technique." "Look, I'll show you." "I'm Bilko." "You're the target for tonight." "May I have this dance?" "They dance, he dances her out into the terrace, steps into the moonlight." "Shines on his good side." "He sighs." "(sighing):" "Oh!" "She grabs for the bait." "(with Southern accent):" ""Sergeant Bilko, you're sad."" ""Sad?" "A sergeant's life is a lonely one."" "Here." "Here." "Here." "If you're gonna do it, do it right." ""A bleak and lonely one."" "Sorry." ""A sergeant's life is a bleak and lonely one." ""Six stripes." "Prison bars around my heart."" "Now, do it right." "Hold up your arm so she can grab your hand" "and put it to the cheek." "Oh, yeah." "Then she takes his hand, puts it to her cheek." "A tear falls." "(Henshaw sniffles)" ""You poor man." ""You're too nice a guy to be lonely..." "You'll never be lonely again."" "HENSHAW:" "Bingo!" "Bingo!" "She's cooked!" "(orchestra plays romantic tune)" "(music ends, applause)" "Oh, isn't that moonlight just beautiful?" "Yes." "You're sad." "Sad?" "(laughs)" "A sergeant's life is a bleak and lonely one." "Six stripes." "Each stripe a prison bar around my heart." "What happ...?" "(Hogan crying)" "Honey, what's the matter?" "You're crying." "What's wrong?" "Prison bars around your heart?" "What do you think a woman soldier goes through?" "It's romantic for a man in uniform, but a woman in uniform!" "That wall between her and every soft and tender feeling she's got." "Gee, I never thought of that." "Y-You..." "You talk of loneliness." "Look at these stripes." "They're nothing but claws to hold back every feeling she dreams of." "(Bilko murmurs) -(sobbing)" "Oh, you poor kid." "A nice kid like you should never be lonely." "Honey, believe me, you'll never be lonely again." "Oh." "Come on, honey." "I'll walk you back to the post." "Why walk?" "I'll drive you there in my jeep." "(murmurs):" "All right." "Jeep?" "!" "Ernie?" "!" "Coming, dear." "Coming." "ANNOUNCER:" "Sergeant Hogan was played by Elisabeth Fraser," "Mildred by Jane Dulo."