"Hazzard County has its big heist." "Don't shoot!" "Stick them up and don't move!" "Get them up, Boss." "I already gave." "That's the Duke boys!" "Where's your car and where's the money?" "Is it all right with you if he spends the night?" "Y'all hang around for the big mix-up, hear?" "I'll tell you one thing... for General Lee to be eating up the road this early in the morning... something's sure got Bo and Luke all het up." "I figure it's got something to do with women... or hunting... or maybe wheels." "I can't believe it." "I can't believe my new boots finally came in at the post office." "Well, this is Hazzard County... and even I'm gonna miss sometimes." "I still think you're crazy, Bo, buying maiI-order boots." "You can't beat the price for genuine leather." "You felt that swatch they sent me." "Was that real or not?" "So is my wallet." "That doesn't mean it's going to fit my feet." "On Monday, Wednesday, and Friday..." "Hazzard County Commissioner Boss Jefferson Davis Hogg... can be found down at the courthouse corrupting the County." "Like now, where he's counting out illegal moonshine money... he's splitting even with Sheriff Rosco Coltrane." "Four for me... one for the Sheriff." "Five for me... one for the Sheriff." "That's Boss Hogg." "Everything 50-50, right down the middle." "Enos, you got your ears on?" "l'm here, Sheriff." "Listen, get the tow truck down here at the county courthouse." "I got another $15 impound for you." "What do you think?" "Go for it." "I'II see you in about five minutes." "I'II be wearing my bright, shiny new boots." "I'm gonna go catch a cup of coffee." "Don't shoot!" "If it's money you're after, forget it." "I never keep any money in my office." "Except a few pennies for my poor mama's operation." "That's the truth." "I swear it on my mama's grave." "fill up that sack." "Look here, boy." "This liquor money was hard to come by." "You fill it." "Come on." "Faster." "Give me." "Now you turn around and count to 100." "One, two, three" "slow." "One, two, three, four, five, ten...." "Old Boss can't even count to 100 without cheating." "100!" "Stop, you thief!" "I finished counting, you thief." "Come back with my money." "Come back here." "Stop!" "I knew it was you all along, Bo Duke." "I'd take it real kindly if you just keep on driving." "I'd take it real kindly if you'd look upon me kindly." "Why didn't you stop for me?" "Ask the dude with the gun." "You nice and comfortable back there?" "You just keep on driving." "Right." "Driving." "This is J.D. Hogg calling Sheriff Rosco Coltrane." "Come in." "Where in tarnation are you?" "Come in." "Rosco here, Boss." "Boss, that's a great idea of yours... putting that white tape on those parking signs." "We already made $30 this morning and it's still early yet." "Over." "I don't care diddIy about $30." "I've just been robbed of $30,000... by Bo Duke." "Over." "Bo Duke?" "Are you sure, Boss?" "Over." "Am I sure?" "He just escaped in an orange stock car... with a big black-and-white 01 marked on the door... and Luke Duke was driving." "Is that good enough for you?" "That's the Duke boys!" "We got them." "Over." "We got nothing but a jackass for a sheriff." "Now, you listen, and you listen good." "They was headed south on Interstate 104." "That's where you'll get them... and where you'II get my money, my $30,000." "And if that's no interest to you... just remember, part of that money is yours." "Oh, it's that money." "This is Sheriff Rosco." "calling all cars." "Over." "AII cars?" "There ain't no other cars besides you and me, Sheriff." "Over." "Enos, the Duke boys just robbed Boss Hogg of all his money... and they're headed out of town." "I'II go south." "You take the north road, in case they get sneaky and head back." "I'm gone." "I'm truly sorry about this... but I'm going to have to borrow your car for a while." "Both of you get out." "real slow." "No, that way." "real slow." "What kind of thief are you, anyway, not having your own getaway car?" "I don't take kindly to being called a thief." "I'm sorry." "I've never done nothing like this before and probably never will again." "Listen, you boys don't worry none about your car." "I won't do it no harm." "In fact, I'II fill it up with gas before I leave it." "I can't do much more than that, can I?" "You could get it washed." "You got it." "That road's gonna take him right back to town." "You wanna hobbIe after him in your new maiI-order boots and tell him that?" "hold it." "Freeze!" "Freeze right there, 'cause you're covered." "I've got you." "Put that thing away, Rosco." "It might go off." "Where's your car and where's the money?" "Can I get you a refill on that beer?" "What?" "You want a refill?" "No, I've had my limit." "Thank you, ma'am." "I'm Daisy." "neil Bishop." "pleased to meet you." "pleased to meet you." "Changed your mind about that beer?" "If we stole Boss' money, why would we be walking... instead of driving our car?" "I haven't figured that out yet." "But that's just typical of you, to throw me off the track." "Now just get in the car." "Nice and slow." "Not that slow." "Just get in fast." "Hurry up." "Quick enough for you, Rosco?" "Come back here." "Don't make me use this gun." "Freeze!" "Wait a minute." "Let's go this way." "I know a shortcut." "This is a shortcut, right?" "Right." "Why is it all shortcuts are uphill?" "This side isn't." "Let's go down into the creek." "We can hide under the bridge." "AII right." "Does that water feel good on my foot." "Come on." "I guess I gotta hand it to you this time, cousin." "You seem to know all the shortcuts." "Not all of them." "I know one a little shorter." "This is the first time I ever fished this creek and caught anything." "Now, ain't that some kind of luck?" "A month sooner, fishing would've been out of season... and old Rosco would've had to throw them back." "You okay?" "You keep looking at that door like a husband behind in alimony... with a wife who's a crack shot." "Not me." "I've never married." "Me, either." "Hey, Daisy." "How you doing?" "Howdy." "Hey there, Enos." "Business or pleasure?" "It's business, and it ain't no pleasure either." "I'm looking for Bo and Luke." "I know they're here 'cause the general Lee's parked out front..." "next to your pickup truck." "Bo and Luke ain't here." "I don't know what their car's doing out front." "What's wrong?" "It seems they stole a whole lot of money from Boss Hogg." "Bo and Luke wouldn't steal anything, and you know it." "It's armed robbery, Daisy." "Armed robbery?" "Yeah." "Boss Hogg recognized Bo when they got away in the general Lee." "I'm sorry, Daisy." "I gotta report in that I found the general Lee." "WiIIis, be careful with that gun." "Okay, I will." "Stick them up and don't move!" "will you go away, little boy?" "Quit messing with me." "I gotta get some gas in this car here." "I'II shoot if you don't put up your hands." "Attaboy, partner." "Keep him covered." "You got that money hid in a safe place?" "Yeah, I put it where nobody'II find it." "Don't turn around, Rosco." "He means it." "You mean to tell me that little brat's got a pistol?" "Don't riIe him, Rosco." "He means business." "That's just like you Duke boys, leading a little boy into a life of crime." "Does your uncle Jesse know you're doing this?" "He ain't a little boy, Rosco." "He's a midget." "Midget?" "And, boy, is he ever mean." "Mean?" "We'II meet you at the hideout for the split." "Three ways." "Right." "WiIIis, I warned you about squirting customers with that water pistol." "Did he hit you, Sheriff?" "Water pistol?" "You've heard the saying, '"Never trust anyone over 30. '"" "In Hazzard, that age starts around seven." "We gotta get back to Jesse and figure something out." "We can pick up Daisy's car at the Boars Nest." "Enos told me what you did." "Daisy, we didn't steal Boss' money." "It was somebody else." "If that's not bad enough, that guy threw us out of general Lee..." "and he took that, too." "general Lee?" "But it was here just a little while ago." "Enos just had it towed off." "Whoever the guy is, he's got nerve." "What did he look like?" "We don't know." "He was wearing a mask." "That's gonna be hard to tell." "There's been scads of people in and out." "It's payday." "What we gotta do now is get to Jesse and talk this out." "Can you give me the keys to your car?" "I didn't bring it." "I took the pickup to get some feed and fertilizer." "It's out front." "call Jesse and have him meet us at the old still site." "Which one?" "Number two is closest." "What happened to your foot?" "It must have fell asleep while I was sitting on that thing there." "As long as you keep wearing them boots, I'd let sleeping dogs lie." "Something wrong?" "To tell you the truth, I ain't got a dime to my name... except for beer money." "I ain't even got a place to stay the night." "Down on your luck, huh?" "Yeah." "You wanna dance?" "Sure." "Okay." "You wouldn't happen to know of anybody... who'd let me conk out in their barn overnight?" "I'd be glad to work off my keep." "We got a barn." "I got an important phone call to make, and then you can drive us out, okay?" "I'm afraid the Sheriff impounded my car." "I've got $15 that says it's out." "AII right!" "But I'II make it up to you." "I'm expecting some money real soon." "meanwhile, you still need that place to stay tonight, don't you?" "It's getting kind of hard to figure who's trying to snag who, ain't it?" "He ain't here." "Maybe Daisy told Jesse the wrong still." "She told me right." "Here I be." "What's the gun for?" "You ain't making moonshine up here, are you?" "Being around the still without a shotgun... is like being in church without your shirt on." "It don't feel right." "Now, what's this Daisy tells me about you two stealing money... and being on the run?" "uncle Jesse, we didn't steal no money." "If you didn't steal the money, did they plant it on you?" "We ain't even seen it, that's what I told you." "Did Rosco get it?" "Rosco ain't seen it, either." "Then they got no case." "The money's the evidence, you know." "And without proof, Rosco and Hogg wouldn't dare go against you." "It so happens we got all the proof we need." "Amateurs." "You let them follow you right in here." "We didn't follow them, you old coot." "We followed you." "They still ain't got no hard evidence against us." "We do, son." "We do." "We do." "What evidence?" "Y'aII ain't even got the money you say we took." "We don't need to." "Jesse, you might not trust me or Rosco here... but wouldn't you trust Enos?" "I'd trust Enos." "Enos, come on out here." "There he is." "Come on, now." "I'm mighty sorry about this." "Just show them, Enos." "I found this money in the back seat of the general Lee... when I got it back to the impound yard." "You call that little dab of money evidence?" "That's not real evidence." "Show them, Enos." "Here." "There you are." "What's that?" "That's Enos." "That is the mask the witness saw on the robber... that stole all that money from Boss Hogg." "And that robber was you, Bo Duke." "You stole my $30,000." "And I want it back." "Now, where is it?" "Not talking, huh?" "You'II rot in jail till you do." "I'll tell y'all... that's something even I never figured on." "And I've been following this real close." "AII right, come on, then." "Boys, I'II be down to see you as soon as I finish my chores." "Pickup truck's up on the old road, uncle Jesse." "That was Bo and Luke." "They're under arrest." "Sure looks like it." "But they didn't do anything wrong." "I just saw the Sheriff taking in Bo and Luke." "I know, I was there when they were took." "I'm getting my bow and arrow." "Just be calm." "It's gonna be all right." "Everything's under control." "Are you sure?" "Of course I'm sure." "Don't I always...." "Who's that?" "This here's neil Bishop." "He needs a place to stay the night." "I told him he could sleep in the barn." "He's sort of down on his luck." "Howdy." "You tore your pocket." "I ripped it on some barbed wire." "You a farmer?" "Chicken farm, over in clarion County." "Good." "Is it all right with you if he spends the night?" "Of course." "But friends of ours don't sleep in the barn." "You can have the boys' room." "No sIeepwaIking." "I guess I better get this pickup unloaded and get on in to the jailhouse." "I'd be right honored if you'd let me do that for you, sir." "It's the least I can do for all the hospitality." "Besides, this way you can be going right now to the jailhouse." "neil's right." "Why don't you take my car?" "Good idea." "Put this away for me, will you?" "Hungry?" "A little." "But why don't I unload this truck first?" "No, you don't look like you've eaten in a month." "What's it gonna be, scrambled eggs or an omelet?" "If you say omeIet, it's gonna turn out scrambled anyway." "My, oh, my... that money's been sitting on top of that fertilizer so long... you'd figure it would start to grow by now, wouldn't you?" "Rosco." "What?" "I think I'm losing my mind." "You are?" "There's a big hole in me... where I lost my liquor money." "Why haven't you got them Duke boys to tell you where they hid it?" "That's a Iot easier said than done, you know." "legally, they have a right to remain siIent" "Rosco!" "What?" "There are ways to make people talk." "You mean, torture?" "Like, in pain?" "That's it." "I don't know much about torture or pain." "You don't?" "I do." "I Iearned all about pain being married to your fat sister." "Funny, I thought it'd run in the family." "Maybe I couId stall them just a little bit." "They're liable to hit back." "Jesse's a fair country back-porch lawyer... so he had the boys tell him everything all over again... looking to find something to prove their innocence." "This feller that jumped into the car with you, with the ski mask on... was there anything different about him?" "He was real polite, as crooks go." "polite?" "He had a ski mask and a torn army jacket and a red plaid shirt" "hold it." "Torn army jacket?" "Yeah." "I just met a polite country boy with a torn army jacket... out to the farm with Daisy." "With Daisy?" "Jesse, you think this could be" "I think enough to be scared." "This guy had a gun." "I got to get back to the farm." "Luke, we gotta get out of here, and fast." "Enos!" "Deputy Strate!" "Come down, buddy." "We gotta talk to you a minute." "If it's about lunch, it's still that creamed chipped beef stuff... because the Sheriff got a good buy on a whole truckload last month." "It ain't that, Enos." "It's just that...." "This ain't easy to say." "Luke and me here have decided to confess." "Confess?" "Here's the typewriter." "Here's the paper." "Y'aII start typing and confessing." "Heck, Enos, I can't type." "What about you, Luke?" "Me, neither." "How about you, Enos?" "Yeah, I type a little bit." "AII right." "AII right, you stay your distance now, while I get this down on paper." "I ain't too good at this." "Here you go." "Thank you." "Sure thing, Enos." "I don't do more than about five words a minute, not counting errors." "That's all right." "We'II confess real slow." "Y'aII got to help me with the spelling." "Sure thing." "What's wrong?" "I hope it ain't my cooking." "No, it's just something I made up my mind about... and I gotta do it fast, before I change my mind." "Wait a minute." "You finish up what's on that plate first." "We don't waste food around here." "I'm not gonna fuss over you." "I got work to do." "We're real sorry about this, Enos." "We really mean that, buddy." "Let's go." "We sure did miss you, general." "You all done?" "That was great." "You cook real country." "Thanks." "I better go unload that pickup truck, Iike I promised your uncle." "See you." "Looking for this, sweet talker?" "I'm sorry." "Just hold it." "I got to thinking about...." "Maybe that...." "I'm real sorry about all this." "Maybe we better go in the house, talk it over." "I was thinking right." "real slow." "Don't get nervous, son." "I'm not nervous." "Just real slow, okay?" "Now, if that ain't a typical Duke situation.:" "going to the rescue and getting caught in the same trap." "Y'all stick around." "That was you who stole Boss Hogg's money, wasn't it, son?" "Afraid so, sir." "Listen, sweet talk..." "Bo and Luke are cooling their heels in jail, where you should be." "I never meant no harm to come to them or anybody." "Matter of fact, I was just taking back the money when you stopped me." "Sweet talk." "Enos, you got your ears on?" "Come on." "Enos, are you out there when you should be in here?" "Come on." "I swear, Enos, if I catch you, I'm gonna tie you up... and hang you on the wall like a side of beef." "Over." "You'd think in a police station... you'd find at Ieast one cop hanging around." "AII right, now both of you just sit still." "hold it." "Into the room." "Come on, easy." "Just take it real easy." "told you he had a gun." "It ain't even his gun, it's ours." "And he's practicing for the Liars' olympics." "tell them, son." "But it's the truth." "Dude, ain't none of us buying anything you've got to say." "If you ain't no thief, what do you call taking Boss Hogg's money?" "Justice." "The man cheated me." "He sold me a used tractor... and 10 chicken egg incubators not worth a damn." "The tractor couldn't pull a mule cart... and the incubators cooked every fresh-Iaid egg hardboiIed." "I didn't expect that much money... but I didn't have time to count out what was due me, either." "You tell a good yarn." "But you're still holding that gun." "Now you got it, and me and the money." "You can turn it in." "Satisfied?" "Looks like we got a situation here of a man telling the truth." "Look, I'II take what's coming to me." "I'm the one stole Boss' liquor money." "Liquor money?" "Are you sure?" "That's what the man called it when I took it." "Moonshine money." "What are you thinking, Luke?" "I'm thinking we could really have some fun... if you call in old Harvey Essex on this one." "Since when did we have anything to do with revenuers?" "Yeah." "It must be Friday, because there's Boss back at the courthouse... skimming off a little corruption." "Hey, Boss." "It's you." "It's only you." "Have you seen Enos?" "How do you expect to keep track of your criminals... if you can't keep track of your deputy?" "Boss, don't worry about Enos." "You can bet whatever he's doing, he's doing in the line of duty." "Keep Rosco busy and stay close on the CB." "Now." "Enos, this is Sheriff Rosco." "You got your ears on?" "Come on." "Enos, are you out there?" "Come on." "Enos, will you get your butt over here?" "I need you." "Come on." "Harvey Essex." "Right on time." "Let's go." "You ready?" "Ready." "Good lord!" "You're gonna rob me again." "Get them up, Boss." "Do it now." "Remember, Bo, I already gave." "Who you calling Bo?" "Harvey, how have you been?" "Jesse said to meet you here." ""Something important," he said." "What can I do for you?" "You interested in somebody with liquor money... they ain't declared to the government?" "Who's that?" "You'II see." "Come on." "They're driving better than usual." "How'd they do that?" "I couId do that if I didn't want to scuff my hubcaps." "Now, don't you wish they had a ride like that in Disneyland?" "Hot dang." "I never seen them do that before." "Don't make no difference." "You're gonna rob me again, ain't you?" "Don't shoot." "What in the world did I ever do to harm you?" "Let me rephrase that, Bo." "I swear I'm gonna have to shoot you if you don't quit calling me Bo." "Whatever you say." "I'II never call you Bo again." "Put that money in that sack, on top of the rest of your money." "Fast." "Right." "Right, Bo." "I didn't say "Bo."" "I said "dough."" "How long is it gonna take before I see that liquor money?" "Any time now." "God willing." "ShouIdn't have parked there in the first place." "I'II give him a 603." "probably a drunk parker." "Here you are." "That's the Iast money I've got in the whole wide world." "Good." "You take it." "Sweet talker, this is Bandit One." "Ready when you are." "Got you, Bandit." "Sweet talker out." "Boss, I want you to count to 100 before you make a move outside." "Just like before?" "Nice and slow?" "That's right." "Turn around... and start counting." "One, two... three, four, five... ten... 15, 20, 25, 30... 35, 40, 45, 50, 55....100!" "Something better show fast, or you're in big trouble." "uncle Sam don't like being part of no setup!" "Come on over here." "Keep your eye on that door." "Your liquor money will be right out." "help!" "I've been robbed again!" "help." "Stop!" "There he is." "There's Boss Hogg down there." "Get out of the way, I'm gonna hit you." "I am going to hit you." "What you doing up there on my hood?" "I'II bet that smarted, didn't it?" "You look like a little, fat hood ornament." "Listen, Boss, I am sorry." "Don't stop me now, I'm after the Duke boys." "You just keep on chasing them Duke boys." "They just robbed me again." "They took all my illegal liquor money and put it in this gunny sack." "Go get them." "Right, Boss." "You mean to tell me they put your illegal money in this sack?" "Yeah, all my illegal liquor money right in this sack." "Then why am I chasing the Duke boys if they put it in that sack?" "Because they gave it back." "They gave it back." "What's the matter with me?" "They're the craziest critters I ever did see." "Good afternoon, Boss, Rosco." "hello, Harvey." "What are you doing here?" "I couldn't help overhearing your conversation." "You did?" "That's right." "And I thought we'd have a little talk about liquor money and taxes." "uncle Sam's running a little bit short on that stuff these days." "Rosco, you're a dipstick." "Can't you keep your mouth shut in a public place?" "It was not me, it was you." "It was me, but it was...." "I know it wasn't your fault." "Never is your fault, Boss." "It's toast time." "Who are we gonna toast to?" "Do y'aII realize we just pulled off a non-robbery?" "Hey, y'aII, guess what?" "I think I finally broke in my new boots." "They finally fit you." "uncle Jesse, what do you think Harvey Essex will do to Boss?" "Same thing he used to do to us." "slap him with a great big fine." "Don't forget our 10% of that liquor money for turning him in." "That's right." "uncle Sam pays people to do that?" "Sure." "But I've been thinking." "That money, that 10% , rightly belongs to neil there." "What do you think, boys?" "Sure." "You ought to take that money and go back into chicken ranching." "Thank you." "Sugar, you sure are cute, but you're one lousy bandit." "You can say that again." "You boys never did tell me how you got out of jail." "Luke, I believe we forgot something." "What's that?" "Enos." "And that's the legend of the big Hazzard heist." "One thing's sure... they don't do nothing in Hazzard County like anyplace else." "And that's the fun of it." "english"