"from york city, "Comedy central presents"" "stephen lynch." "[Cheers, whistles  applause]" "♪♪ ♪ womathey love you, stephen!" "[Cheers, whistles  applause]" " [Strums dramatically] - [Laughter]" " [Woman screams out]" " Shut the fuck up." "[Laughter]" "♪ Everyone knows jesus ♪" "♪ The man who Healed the lame ♪" "♪ Well, i am jesus' brother ♪" "♪ Craig is my name ♪" "[Laughter, cheers  applause]" "♪ Jesus is The prince of peace ♪" "♪ Jesus is the lamb ♪" "♪ Jesus is the son of god ♪" "♪ But craig don't give a damn ♪" "♪ Because when craig's inside We party all damn night ♪" "♪ I don't turn water into wine But into cold coors light ♪" "♪ I'm not my brother I know, don't walk on h2o ♪" "♪ But i got Hydroponic shit that me And judas grow ♪" "♪ I'm fucking craig ♪" "♪ I'm fucking craig ♪" "♪ I'm fucking craig ♪" "♪ Craig christ ♪" "Ha!" "♪ I hang out with lepers ♪" "♪ Barabas and salome ♪" "♪ Jesus' friends Are called "apostles" ♪" "♪ Cause dudes Are definitely gay ♪" "♪ Jesus performs miracles ♪" "♪ From galilee to rome ♪" "♪ But it would be a miracle ♪" "♪ If he brought A fucking lady home ♪" "[Cheers and applause]" "♪ Because while jesus is praying Fucking craig is laying ♪" "♪ Every lady in the testament You know what i'm saying ♪" "♪ I won't die for your sins Like my famous kin ♪" "♪ But if you got a little sister Then there's room in this inn ♪" "♪ I'm fucking craig ♪" "♪ I'm fucking craig ♪" "♪ I'm fucking ha!" "♪" "♪ Craig christ ♪" "Ha!" "♪ Jesus was our mother's fav ♪" "♪ All her love to him she gave ♪" "♪ But there's No sibling rivalry ♪" "♪ When he's nailed To that tree, yeah ♪" "♪ And now the question for you Is not what would jesus do ♪" "♪ But where will you be When the craig machine Comes partying through ♪" "♪ And if the lord will allow You've got to ask yourself how ♪" "♪ And who, and why, and when And where is your messiah now?" "♪" "♪ It's fucking craig ♪" "♪ Fucking craig ♪" "♪ Fucking craig ♪" "♪ Yeah, fucking craig ♪" "♪ Craig christ ♪" "♪ Ha craig christ ah ♪" "♪ Craig christ ah ♪" "♪ I'm fucking craig ♪" "[Cheers, whistles  applause]" "Thank you." "I want to speak to you now About something very serious." "Um, this is sort of A hot button topic," "Especially here in america, And that's the subject of" "Race and racism." "And i've been seeing This girl lately," "And let's just say we have Some differences between us" "When it comes to The subject of race." "And so i felt like I needed to sit her down and Explain my views to her" " Through song." " [Cheers, whistles  applause]" "♪ Have a seat and listen Please don't say a thing ♪" "♪ In matters of The hearts sometimes ♪" "♪ The truth will have a sting ♪" "♪ Just don't take it Per-son-al-ly This is no attack ♪" "♪ But we will never last Because i'm white ♪" "♪ And you are also white ♪" "♪ I only like black girls The brown girls ♪" "♪ The cafe ole ♪" "♪ Or caramel girls And mocha girls Just blow me away ♪" "♪ If you are nubian And i want you to be In every fantasy ♪" "♪ But if you're a whitie Say nighty-nighty It's not the girl for me ♪" "♪ Ooh, la, la, la, la, la ♪" "♪ Oh, i hate vanilla ice cream I like chocolate instead ♪" "♪ I hope she likes her soul food With a little wonder bread ♪" "♪ Don't call it jungle fever Cause that just isn't right ♪" "♪ I am not a racist some of My best friends are white ♪" "♪ I just prefer black girls And brown girls ♪" "♪ And cafe ole Or caramel girls ♪" "♪ And mocha girls Just blow me away ♪" "♪ If you're a cracker You better get blacker Or else you best get out ♪" "♪ It is no mystery I like a sister ♪" "♪ See that's what I'm talking about ♪" "♪ Oh our wedding song will be Ebony and ivory ♪" "♪ And we'll sing Christmas carols 'round The old kwanza tree ♪" "♪ But color is not The issue here ♪" "♪ It's dignity It's class ♪" "♪ It's all about her heart ♪" "♪ Okay it's partly About that ass ♪" "♪ I want me some black girls And brown girls ♪" "♪ And cafe ole, woo-- ♪" "♪ Caramel girls and mocha girls Just blow me away ♪" "♪ Get off your knees-- Honky please-- That is so uncouth ♪" "♪ The skin that she's dwellin' It must contain melon ♪" "♪ And that is The fountain of youth ♪" "[Cheers and applause]" "♪ See melanin is an agent that Makes your skin get darker ♪" "♪ Thanks for making me explain That to you ass-hole ♪" "♪ Thomas jefferson ♪" " Nobody?" " [Laughter]" "You see kids thomas jefferson Was the president" "Of these United states of america." "And he liked to-- How do i put it delicately" " Fuck slaves." " [Laughter]" "Ooh!" "I'm not saying it's right." "I don't condone it." "I'm just saying That's what he did," "And that's why he fits The subject of this song." "Who else?" " woman: michael jackson." " [Laughter and applause]" "Did you say michael jackson?" "What are you, dyslexic?" "That would be a Whole other song, my friend." "♪ I only fuck white boys And the little boys and-- ♪" "[Laughter, cheers, Whistles and applause]" "♪ Allegedly ♪" "Yeah." "♪ Strom thurmond ♪" "♪ Strom thurmond ♪" "♪ And not michael jackson ♪" "♪ Allegedly ♪" " Thank you." " [Cheers, whistles  applause]" "Okay." "So, i figured, Since i just sang a song About god and jesus," "I would have to give The opposition equal time." "[Cheers, whistles  applause]" "Probably figure out Where i'm going with this one." " It's satan, sir." " [Laughter]" "Free bird!" "[Maniacal singing voice]" "♪ Every since First man has walked this earth I have been here ♪" "♪ To whisper seeds of doubt And evil thoughts into his ear ♪" "♪ I am the beast The outcast angel ♪" "♪ Fallen from on high ♪" "♪ I go by many names but There is one you can't deny ♪" "[High pitched voice] My name is satan." "Hi everybody." "My name's satan." "Good to be back in new york, Born and raised." "[Cheers, whistles  applause]" "Yeah." "Queens." "Now ah, let me tell you a Little bit about myself, okay?" "♪ My friends all Call me 'old scratchin' I am a capricorn ♪" "♪ My turn ons are romantic walks And killing the unborn ♪" "♪ I got little devil horns And a little goatee ♪" "♪ A little devilistep a devilsy And little cloven hoofs♪" "♪ Make it kind of hard to ski I'm satan ♪" "♪ He-hee ♪" "♪ My real name is beelzebub But you can call me beels ♪" "♪ I love to watch fox news ♪" "♪ And then go club Some baby seals ♪" "♪ Then i'll take a bubble bath And drink a zinfandel ♪" "♪ Try to wash off That baby seal smell ♪" "♪ Then i'll make A toast to me, hey ♪" "♪ Here's to my hell ♪" "♪ My name is satan Ah ya-and... ♪" "♪ I spawned an evil son So my evil could be spread ♪" "♪ But he wastes his evil Singing songs about Special kids named fred ♪" "♪ I'm in every zeppelin album ♪" "♪ I'm in all Rush limbaugh's rants ♪" "♪ I'm the reason that Barack obama Doesn't have a chance ♪" "[Laughter, oh's and applause]" "♪ If i want to eat a soul I'll just Throw it on the griddle ♪" "♪ No need to make a deal I don't need to tell a riddle ♪" "♪ And fuck charlie daniels I don't care if he can fiddle ♪" "♪ I'm satan 6-6-6, thank you ♪" "[Cheers, whistles  applause]" "All right, Lets try a song now" "That i am shocked Got by the censors." "♪ You're the love of my life But it cuts like a knife ♪" "♪ And i feel like I'm being misled ♪" "♪ See i'm a little concerned For i've recently learned ♪" "♪ Of the swastika tattoo On your head ♪" "♪ It makes you smile When you hear "seig heil" ♪" "♪ You love the smell of a Burning cross in the yard ♪" "♪ You do goose step salutes In your doc martin boots ♪" "♪ And you quoted mein kampf In our 5th anniversary card ♪" "♪ I think you're a nazi Baby, are you a nazi ♪" "♪ You might be a nazi, baby ♪" "♪ You keep extensive files On the nuremberg trials ♪" "♪ And you watch them Whenever their airing ♪" "♪ I guess i should've known When you bought a new bone ♪" "♪ For your puppy's named Goebels and gehring ♪" "♪ You showed up late To our very first date ♪" "♪ I said, "how are you?" You said, "white power." ♪" "♪ Call me paranoid But i'm not overjoyed ♪" "♪ When you ask me If i want to shower ♪" "♪ I think you're a nazi ♪" "[Cheers and applause]" "♪ Look deep in your psyche, baby Are you a nazi?" "♪" "♪ Seem a little Third reichy maybe ♪" "♪ Your every dress Is monogrammed "ss" ♪" "♪ You hold an arian picnic And bash ♪" "♪ And it makes me irate When you say i'd look great ♪" "♪ If i'd wear a Little tiny moustache ♪" "♪ Your social politics Say that races don't mix ♪" "♪ And you call it Pure blood pollution ♪" "♪ And whenever i'm sad You say it's not so bad ♪" "♪ For every problem There's a final solution ♪" "♪ I think you're a nazi Give me answer, baby ♪" "♪ Are you a nazi?" "♪" "♪ You drive a Fucking panzer baby ♪" "♪ They say that love is blind So how could i have guessed ♪" "♪ But then again i met you at a Shindler's list protest ♪" "[Cheers and applause]" "♪ I know you're a nazi ♪" "♪ And that's why i'm leaving ♪" "♪ Because you're a nazi ♪" "♪ Sure as my name is Stephen lynchburg stein ♪" "[Cheers, whistles  applause]" "Now this is another song From my heart," "And this one i wrote when my Grandfather took ill recently," " And ah-- - [Cheers, whistles  applause]" "You're applauding My grandfather's illness," " You sicko's!" " [Laughter and applause]" "♪ When grandfather dies Life will be strange ♪" "♪ When grandfather dies My whole world will change ♪" "♪ When grandfather dies I'll scream and i'll yell ♪" "♪ Cause i'll be Fucking rich as yell ♪" "♪ So, grandfather die Don't keep me in suspense ♪" "♪ Oh, grandfather cough up That inheritance ♪" "♪ Oh, grandfather don't Hold on another day ♪" "♪ I love you to death But i gots bills to pay ♪" "♪ A stroke would be nice Disease would be cool ♪" "♪ I'll scatter his ashes In my new swimming pool ♪" "♪ I'll jam with the stones I'll dine with the queen ♪" "♪ Now what say We unplug that machine ♪" "♪ Grandfather die Before the fiscal year ♪" "♪ Oh, grandfather i Wish kevorkian were here ♪" "♪ Oh, grandfather fly Just take your final bow ♪" "♪ Grandfather die Family hates you anyhow ♪" "♪ For god sakes you must be As old as the sun ♪" "♪ You're social security number Is one ♪" "♪ You're deaf, dumb and blind And an amp-u-tee ♪" "♪ You donate your blood Every time that you pee ♪" "♪ Your arthritis acts up Whatever it rains ♪" "♪ You're so old your penis Has varicose veins ♪" "♪ Why don't you die, grandpa Why must you fight ♪" "♪ You old mother-fucker ♪" "♪ Just walk toward The goddamn light ♪" "♪ Walk toward the light, Old man ♪" "♪ It's all over now My granddad is dead ♪" "♪ A mysterious bloe To his wrinkled old head ♪" "♪ Before i collect A small oversight ♪" "♪ But everything Should work out all right ♪" "♪ I'll start working on My grandma tonight ♪" "[Cheers, whistles  applause]" "That's for you, buddy." "Well, thank you guys So much for coming out To my second special." "Thanks to my two pals, Mark teich and rod cone." "[Cheers, whistles  applause]" "We're gonna end now in a song About you in high school," " If you never got laid." " [Cheers and applause]" " Harmonica." " [Jazzy upbeat tempo]" " More harmonica." " ♪ ♪" "♪ I got my 12-sided di And i'm read to roll ♪" "♪ With a wizard In my goblin crew ♪" "♪ My friends are coming over To my mom's basement ♪" "♪ Bringin' funions And a mountain dew ♪" "♪ I got a big broad sword Made out of cardboard ♪" "♪ And the stereo's A-pumpin' zeppelin ♪ ♪ "Dazed and confused" ♪" "♪ It's that time of the night We turn on the black light ♪" "♪ Let the dungeons And the dragons begin ♪" "♪ It's dd ♪" "♪ Fightin' with The legends of yore ♪" "♪ It's dd ♪" "♪ Never kissed a lady before ♪ Nope." "He hasn't." "Woo!" " ♪ ♪" " Ow!" "♪ Now the lord of the rings Is our crystal and things ♪" "♪ We use these As a reference tool ♪" "♪ And when we put All our cloaks and Tell warlock jokes ♪" "♪ We're the coolest kids At the school ♪" "No we're not." "I know." "♪ Now, teich's a real bastard But a fair dungeon master ♪" "♪ He's got hit points And charisma to lend ♪" "♪ And i rehearse In my room of what i call The dragons tune ♪" "♪ When i'm not out With my girlfriend ♪" "♪ You don't have a girlfriend ♪ ♪ Yes, i got a girlfriend ♪" "♪ You don't have no girlfriend ♪ ♪ Well, i just told you-- ♪" "♪ Now, don't lie to the American viewing public ♪" "♪ And all these People in here you just Said in the first verse ♪" "♪ That you never Kissed a lady before ♪" "♪ And even last night At the hotel room ♪" "♪ I caught you fuck off ♪" "♪ To a victoria secret Catalogue ♪" "♪ So know you're lyin' It's dd ♪" "♪ Summoning the demons of hell It's dd ♪" "♪ When our shift ends At the taco bell ♪" " ♪ Chalupa ♪ - ♪ Chordita ♪" " Bra-ha-ha!" " [Cheers and applause]" "♪ Well, my medieval brother There's room here for another ♪" "♪ Would you care to take A roll of the di?" "♪" "♪ You guys make me weep You think that ♪" "♪ You can keep up with A warrior as mighty as i ♪" "♪ See you're in immortal danger I'm a first class ranger ♪" "♪ Who's half gargoyle And half elf, that's right ♪" "♪ And if that doesn't scare ya Maybe i should beware ya ♪" "♪ Of what lurks Within my gaming shelf ♪" "Do tell." "♪ Next to my junior high annual Lies my monster manual ♪" "♪ And my customized Dungeon masters screen ♪" "♪ I've got treasures and traps All my graphical paper maps ♪" "♪ Next to my 3 inch Solid pewter figurines ♪" "♪ So, if you think You've got the balls ♪" "♪ Bring on your Dungeon master calls ♪" "♪ I'll be protected By my robe of destruction ♪" "♪ And i will leave you Both in tears ♪" "♪ Cause i'm the Dungeon master here ♪" "♪ And you two are in need Of some instruction ♪" "♪ It's dd ♪" "♪ Warriors who terrify ♪" " ♪ It's dd ♪ - [Cheers, whistles  applause]" "♪ Virgins ♪" "♪ 'Til the day ♪" "♪ We-- ♪" "♪ Uh-- oh-- uh-- oh, oh, oh-- ♪" "[Cheers and applause]" "No, no, no, no, One, two, fuck you." "♪ Die ♪" "Thank you." "Goodnight." "captioningmadepossibleby comedycentral."