"Gaillardia?" "Gaillardia." "Well?" "Archives." "Yes?" "I found gaillardia, sir." "It comes under the department of miscellaneous territories." "Mr. Carlton-Browne." "Cadogan, your tea." "Thank you, mother." "Arthur, drink yours before it gets cold." "Is the news any brighter this morning?" "They've buried Hartington." "Hartington?" "They had Istanbul when we had Belgrade." "How many paragraphs?" "Two." "Only two?" "Poor Mildred." "She will be disappointed." "What'd they say?" "I paid for your copy of the "times,"" "But I'm damned if I'm gonna read it for you." "Oh, now look what you've done." "All right, I'll answer it." "Oh, leave it." "Leave it." "I didn't do it on purpose." "Accidents will happen." "Yes, indeed." "Cadogan." "Cadogan, you're wanted at the ministry." "They say it's urgent." "Urgent?" "Surely not." "Overworked and understaffed as you claim to be," "It is conceivable that even in your department" "Something might arise." "I should therefore advise you to go." "Yes, sir." "Get out;" "Get out while the furniture's still intact." "You haven't forgotten the Tursingtons written down" "Today with Angela." "She'll want to see you." "But when?" "I'm lunching at the club between 12:00 and 3:00," "And I'm playing squash with Bink at 5:00." "I suppose I could go for tea at Fortnums around 4:00." "Tell her to bring her raincoat." "Why?" "It's quite a nice day out." "Oh, get out." "Sometimes I wonder exactly what I've sired." "He needs someone like Angela." "She'll take him in hand, but he shows absolutely no interest." "Except for stylish affairs." "Something can be done about that." "The fact is he completely lacks ambition." "I've done what I can for him." "But they must think something of him to give him" "That department." "Miscellaneous territories?" "In my day, it was known as the dust bin." "Ah-ha." "Carlton-Browne?" "Yes." "The ministers have been waiting to see you." " Me?" " Since 10:00." "Is this a leg-pull?" "There's an urgent dispatch from gaillardia." "What's that?" "It was a colony." "Oh, well, in that case, it's not my pigeon, is it?" "Apparently, it is now." "Oh, then who's our fellow out there?" "That's just it." "There shouldn't be anyone there." "The dispatch is signed "Davidson,"" "But he ought to have returned in 1916." "I see." "I wonder if there's anything wrong." "I mean, he's simply not on the ball, is he?" "Rodgers, what's the last thing we have on the file?" "A message of loyalty on the ascension of the queen, C.B." "I see." "That's frightfully slack." "Nearly six years." "Oh, not this queen." "Victoria." "Come in." "Ah, the decode." "What's happened to the tea?" "I'll find out, C.B." "Listen to this." ""Three members of Cossack dance troupe now touring here" ""on official visit observed to be constantly out of step, stop." ""Am informed one is eminent scientists," "Other two mining engineers."" "Engineers, dancing?" "Isn't that a bit fishy?" "I should have thought so." "There's a second item, C.B." ""Would appreciate instructions and something" "On account of salary."" "Oh, not more trouble." "Haven't we paid him?" "Not for the last 40 years." "Oh, that's frightfully slack." "Remind me to send a counsel rocket," "And do find out what's happened to the tea." "Yes, C.B." "Now, am I to tell the minister you're on your way or what?" "I suppose so." "Just a minute." "Where is this gaillardia?" "Yes, I should find that out if I were you." "It's the sort of thing he's likely to ask." "And where exactly is gaillardia?" "Why, the 33rd parallel, sir." "Mm." "We have a most favored nations clause, sir," "In the self-determination treaty." "What about the king?" "Is he dependable?" "All the evidence points to it." "He has his clothes made here." "Hardly sufficient, is it?" "Well, his younger son is at Oxford." "In fact, he's lived here since he was a boy." "Mm, these Cossack fellas are obviously up to something." "Is there anything there?" "We ever had a survey?" "Have we?" "Was there ever a survey?" "There's a reference to one made in 1870, sir," "But it's gone." "Gone?" "Who had it?" "The rats, sir." "Scandalous." "Not ours." "Colonial office rats, sir." "The big questions in the house." "If there's anything there worth having," "We should have it, not the Russians." "We'll have to get our own experts in right away," "But how?" "Well, come along, Carlton-Browne," "It's your baby, your miscellaneous territories." "Well, then, they can hardly go in as Cossack dancers," "Can they, sir." "I appreciate that." "What I should like from you would be" "A constructive suggestion." "Well, I was thinking, sir." "Good." "Couldn't the British council help us?" "How?" "How." "Well, a council mission." "Maybe they could put on some sort of a show," "And our experts could travel with them." "Yes, that might be a way, but on no account let" "The British council know what we're up to." "Right, see to it." "And tell the British council to put on a show that's" "Really impressive." "Try to keep in time, sir John, if you can." "I see no women." "There are no women parts." "Yeah, these British." "I don't know how you feel, but I'm ready to go." ""Flash: 'Prabda today' puts finger on west." "Claims British agents pulled tabs on loris and junior."" ""'The times leader' today asks whether death of the"" "Late king loris might be attributable to the" ""furtherance of eastern imperialist designs."" "Just about the worst half hour in the house I've ever" "Experienced, and the opposition have tabled four" "More questions for tomorrow." "Now, Beaverbrook's demanding that we close down the" "British council." "And as if that's not enough, he's a cable from U.N.O." "Calling for a full report." "Idiotic idea sending those people out there anyway." "Who suggested it?" "Wasn't it the colonial office, minister?" "It was not, Carlton-Browne." "It was you." "Me, sir?" "Yes, you, sir." "And what about those experts of yours?" "What do they say?" "Nothing." "Why not?" "They seem to have disappeared." "What's Davidson doing?" "Davidson?" "The fellow who should've come back in 1916." "Oh, nothing." "Apparently, he's in bed with gout." "In bed with gout." "Then who are we dealing with?" "Well, it's a bit complicated, minister." "You see, there's the new king who's lived here since" "A child." "Now, on the other hand, in the South," "There's his Uncle, the grand Duke Alexis," "Who also claims the throne." "They've been fighting for years." "You know what families are." "Is there any form of government?" "Oh, rather, sir, modeled on ours." "The prime minister is a man named Amphibulos." "Rather tricky, apparently." "In what sense?" "Well, he's a bit of a politician." "So am I." "What I meant was that he's flexible." "Mm, we'd best see this young king." "That's what I thought, sir." "So I phoned him at Oxford last night." "Oh, you did?" "Yes, I arranged a meeting this morning." "He'll be here in 20 minuets." "Well, let me tell you he won't." "He won't, sir?" "Not unless he changes planes in midair." "He left London airport at 8:30 this morning." "Think he's incognito." "You'll call him Mr. Jones." "Mr. Jones?" "Will you take something to drink, Mr. Jones?" "Thank you, yes." "A dry Martini?" "Just a beer, thank you." "Who's she?" "That's miss Adrianas." "Where's she booked to?" "I'll look at the passenger list," "But I don't think she's getting off before Napels." "Mm, we'll see." "A beer for his majesty." "One of the boys, eh?" "Not half." "Your beer, sir." "Oh, thank you." "Of course, you're from South gaillardia, aren't you?" "How do you know?" "All the real pretty girls come from the South." "What were you doing in England?" "Oh, trying to speak English." "I will never learn." "Oh, you mustn't." "It's perfect." "Oh, I must." "But really, you speak English very good." "I should." "I was brought up there." "Tell me about it." "About what?" "Everything." "Tell me everything you've ever done since you were 12." "That would be very boring." "Anyway, I don't even know your name." "Well, it's a little difficult for someone" "Of our nationality." "It's Jones." "What did you actually tell the king?" "Why, hardly anything." "I just warned him that the Russians were there." "Well, now we know why he left." "Yes." "Oh, come in, commander." "With you in a moment." "Who exactly is this fellow Carlton-Browne?" "How did he come to be in charge of a department?" "You remember sir Arthur Carlton-Browne, sir?" "Mm." "This is the son." "Oh." "I thought there was something." "All right, we'd better leave it." "Now, commander, what does security have to say" "About the young king of gaillardia?" "There's a confidential report, minister," "From his college." "Seems quite an ordinary young man." "Two gatings, some minor offenses." "Oh?" "Having young women in college, sir." "Oh." "Games?" "Doesn't say, sir." "Just having young women." "No, no, field sports." "Cricket, rowing?" "Oh, no." "No organized games, sir." "He's a member of the university labor party." "What?" "The reigning monarch a member of the labor party?" "He wasn't fully paid up, sir." "Maybe not." "But what material if the Russians get hold of him." "We must be there." "We must show the flag." "This young, inexperienced monarch," "One of our oldest allies bound to us by indissoluble" "Ties... never let it be said that we failed them in their" "Hour of need." "We shall be there beside them, behind them... well," "Beside them... for all the world to see," "Especially U.N.O." "Yes, someone must go at once to LaGuardia." "Gaillardia, sir." "What's that?" "Gaillardia." "LaGuardia's an airport, New York City." "Who said anything about airports?" "You did, sir." " You said LaGuar..." " I know what I said." "I said... well, what did I say?" "You completely destroyed my train of thought." "Weren't you saying, minister," "That someone must go out there?" "Yes, I was." "If there's anything there worth having," "We're having it." "Had you anyone in mind, minister?" "As head of the department, I suppose it'll have to be you." "Oh." "Now, look, Carlton-Browne." "We all remember your late father." "Oh, he's not late yet, sir." "Oh, I'm very glad to hear it... a great ambassador anyway." "But this could be of the utmost importance." "If you have any doubt," "Any doubt at all as to your capacity?" "Good heavens, no, sir." "Oh, I hope you're right." "We shall give you temporary status as special" "Ambassador, and you'll leave at once." "Now, sir?" "Is there anything against it?" "Well, it'll mean that I shall miss ascot." "There are some sacrifices, Mr. Carlton-Browne," " Which the servi..." " Of course, sir." "Please don't worry about me." "You'll travel by passenger plane until you transfer." "What then?" "Well, that'll be up to the boys on the squad." "We don't even know yet that they've got an airfield on" "The island." "I shan't keep you long, sir." "Evening." "Evening." "Bellingham." "Oh, yes, welcome to war house." "Carlton-Browne of the F.O." "How do you do?" "Scotch?" "Oh, thanks." "Sounds like a sticky wicket." "Yes, it is blowing up a bit." "I meant this gaillardia jaunt." "Oh, that." "Afraid you'll have to put me in the picture." "Satchel's team only said I was military advisor." "Do you like satchel?" "No, I don't think I do." "Oh, he's a good bloke satchel." "Tigerline Gore was talking about gaillardia in the club" "Last night." "Didn't he marry one of the Tarrington girls?" "No, that was Buster." "Tigerman and Cynthia Stowe-Furnace." "Artillery on the mother's side." "Well, the whole lot are gunners." "What did he say?" "I beg your pardon?" "I wonder what he said about gaillardia." "Who?" "Tigerline Gore." "Did he say something?" "I thought you said he did." "I don't think tiger would've said anything." "He never does, you know." "I see." "You mentioned tiger's brother Buster." "You didn't mean thruster?" "Which thruster?" "Thruster Stowe-Furnace, tiger's brother-in-law." "Oh, you mean the one who's A.B.C." "For the D.A.D.N.I." "That's the fella." "No." "No." "Ah, good." "Breakfast, gentlemen?" "Ah, breakfast." "Yes, I'll have some porridge," "Fried eggs and bacon, toast, marmalade, and coffee, please." "Yes, sir." "You, c.B.?" "Will you be needing your paper bag?" "Good lord, no." "We'll be down in half an hour." "Thank goodness for that." "Better get it over with." "I hear the next leg's likely to be rough." "Could you manage a piece of fried bread as well?" "Yes, sir." "Perhaps two pieces?" "Wait for it." "Thought so." "Ah, I am prime minister Amphibulos." "Excellency, I speak for his majesty king loris that you" "Have very loud welcome to gaillardia." "Yes, indeed." "Her majesty's government assure you that gaillardia" "Is very much in their thoughts." "Good." "Very, very good." "And you, general, welcome." "Colonel bellingham." "Congratulations." "And now you must meet my brother-in-law, Mr. Nakos," "Minister of agriculture," "Public works, highways, and the transport." "Hello, boys." "My cousin, Mr. archipelagos," "Chief of police, vessel of the admiralty and distilleries." "Hello, boys." "The others do not matter." "Very nice men, but you will meet them later." "And now please you inspect the guards of honor." "We are very proud here that our modern army is founded" "On your brigade of guard." "Get up." "Get up." "Why you lie down?" "Your carriage." "Well, we meet again soon, eh?" "Oh, yes, of course." "Good." "And you, general, eh?" "Have a good time." "His excellency the ambassador." "Eh?" "Oh, oh, you must excuse me not getting up." "But as you see..." "Of course, of course." "May I present colonel bellingham of the bays?" "Honor, sir." "Sir." "This is a moment of some emotion for me, gentlemen." "The first official visitors from the mother country" "For..." "let me see, 57... 59 years." "Yes, will you take a glass of Madeira?" "Oh, thank you, splendid idea." "Thank you very much." "Welcome to the island." "Thank you." "Thank you, sir." "Would you be good enough to secure the door?" "The door?" "We mustn't be overheard." "Oh, I see." "Bellingham, would you mind?" "Oh, of course." "Well, they're digging... oh!" "So sorry." "Digging, where?" "Well, everywhere." "They've made little holes all over the island." "What shape are the holes?" "Oh, dear, they didn't say." "Do you hear that there, bellingham?" "What?" "Little holes all over the island." "Good lord." "Well, the first thing is a map." "Map?" "About the holes, sir." "Oh?" "Then we can decide exactly... what was in your mind?" "Well, nothing, but one always starts with a map." "May give us a line." "Well, personally, gentlemen," "I think they're imposters." "Of course, we know they're not cossacks." "Cossacks?" "But I was speaking of the British council." "You don't mean the holes were made by them?" "Well, they never stop." "They're like moles." "But the Russians... aren't they digging?" "Well, they seem to have stopped," "But I can tell you one thing." "They sent a message to St. Petersburg." "St. Pete..." "No, no, please don't get up." "Thank you, sir." "May I present Mr. Carlton-Browne," "The special ambassador?" "How do you do?" "And, sir, the military attache, colonel bellingham." "Morning." "Your majesty, my government desire me to" "Convey their respectful congratulations," "And wish me to assure you that gaillardia still" "Retains, in the hearts of the British people," "The warm affection she has so long enjoyed." "Well, that's very nice." "Shall we sit down?" "I always think it's harder to make speeches sitting" "Down, don't you?" "And how about a nice cup of tea?" "An English habit I've grown very fond of." "Oh!" "Are you all right, sir?" "I'm so sorry, yes." "Oh, God, thank you, quite." "Well, now, Mr. Carlton-Browne." "Your majesty, I... my government and the people of" "Great Britain feel a very deep concern for this island." "Well, that's very decent of them." "I must say I never met anybody in Britain who'd" "Ever heard of us." "Do you smoke?" "Given them up?" "Yes, sir." "I mean, no thank you, sir." "Your majesty, I must respectfully remind you that" "There is in existence a treaty." "Oh, yes, I know about the treaty, yes." "Then, sir, I'm sure you will appreciate the presence" "Here of another great power..." "Meaning the Russians." "Yes, sir." "Don't be afraid to say so." "If we go on chasing each other around the mulberry" "Bush, we shan't get anywhere, shall we?" "Oh, yes, sorry, sir." "That's all right." "Before you go on, may I say something?" "You see, I'm a new boy here." "Less than a fortnight ago, I was having half a can in Mitre," "Looking forward to several years in London as a medical student." "Suddenly, the phone rings and Amphibulos here tells me" "I'm a king." "It'd be a bit of a shock for anyone." "Your majesty..." "Just a moment." "I'm over the shock now." "I had a chance to look around, and what do I find?" "An awful lot of poverty, Mr. Carlton-Browne." "No education, no hospitals, no roads, no lavatories," "Nothing." "Your majesty, the office of works has..." "Just let me finish." "Yes." "On top of all this, I also discovered that two great" "Powers have suddenly become very interested in us," "And I wonder why." "Your majesty, my government is solely concerned..." "Yes, I'm sure, but you see I'm no politician." "And what I'd like you to tell me in ordinary English" "Is exactly what you're after." "Your majesty, we're not after anything." "That is to say if I could convey your majesty's" "Agreement, at least in principle," "To the renewal to the strengthening of those" "Ties... those bonds which had remained unbroken..." "Certainly." "You can tell them that I am most grateful for their good wishes." "Thank you, sir." "And?" "Is that all, sir?" "Until I know why this out of the way little place has" "Suddenly become so important to everybody," "Wouldn't be very sensible for me to commit myself," "Would it?" " No, sir, but..." " Good." "And have a good time while you're here." "Colonel bellingham." "I'm sending you a sun ray lamp I brought back from England." "It might help." "Oh, your majesty is most gracious." "Amphibulos, go see our guests out and then come back." "I'd like a word with you." "Your majesty." "Well, I must say in all my years in the service," "I have..." "Look, Mr. Carlton-Browne, please." "You are not to worry." "Everything will be all right." "He will see." "Now, tonight you and the general here will have a" "Little private dinner with me." "Everything very friendly with all our cards under the table." "Well, thank you very much." "Good, good." "Then I will see you tonight." "Tonight." "Giovan, my tweed jacket." "Well, that was a waste of time." "If only we could all waste time like that," "It would be very good, you know?" "I thought I knew something about diplomacy, but you?" "Marvelous." "Congratulations." "Congratulations?" "What for?" "Well, already you have sent them out thinking the" "Russians are in." "So now when they come back, they make a big offer." "Then back come the Russians with a bigger offer." "You and me, we are sitting in the middle." "You have the Rolls-Royce." "I have the Cadillac." "Everybody's happy." "And the people?" "What do they get?" "The people?" "They get the lavatories, all the things you said to" "Mr. Carlton-Browne." "They would be very happy with the lavatories." "I see." "Well, now, what are we going to do to entertain our" "British guests?" "Tonight I give a special dinner for them" "To meet the cabinet." "All right, but remember now, no promises." "Be very discreet." "Your majesty, do not worry." "Everything will be very discreet, very dignified." "Oh, what a party." "Come on, c.B., now it's your turn." "Bravo." "What do you do?" "No, really, not at the moment." "No, he's gonna party." "He's not tight enough." "That's the trouble." "Then we will help by drinking a toast." "To the greatness of Britain and all she will do for us." "Oh, thank you very much." "No, no, you must drink in one." "Otherwise, you will get a bit, you know?" "Delicious." "Yes, yes." "It's called Gozanos." "Not a drop is drunk until it's three weeks old." "And now we will have the musica." "Now we talk, eh?" "It's the best party since our boys out at Sandhurst." "Good, I am very happy." "I wanted you to know." "So now you tell me what you want." "Well, our treaty rights..." "No, no, no." "What you want." "Me?" "Yes." "British foreign service?" "Well, nothing like that." "Wonderful." "Congratulations." "If only there was more people like you and me." "I have now to ask you how much you think your" "Government will yield." "Yield?" "Yes." "Well, that would rather depend on the king's attitude." "The king is very young boy." "He's got no experience, and he does not have no standing" "With my men, but you." "You're really a brilliant man who understand perfectly." "So now I have to ask you..." "Good show." "Mr. Carlton-Browne." "Hmm?" "Oh, I'm so sorry." "You were saying?" "That you have understood." "Oh, rather." "Good." "Then the king is no matter." "The real nature is his Uncle the grand Duke." "You know, this man is like... how you say?" "The bull in the Chinese ship." "I can tell you that already he's "talking" with the" "Russians, you know." "The Russians?" "Yes." "We must do something immediately." "C.B., c.B., are you all right?" "Did you hear that?" "The Russians, they're speaking to the grand Duke." "Are they?" "By gum." "We've got to do something." "We've got to show our teeth." "Show our teeth?" "Put on a show of strength, old boy." "That's what slasher would advise." "Yes, yes, a show of strength." "Yeah." "And so you see why it is necessary for us to have a" "Big show of our strength." "Look, I just don't get the point of this." "Who are we trying to impress anyway, the British?" "The Russians?" "Are they likely to be fighting my army?" "There is the grand Duke." "I know, I know, but isn't it about time we try" "Something new?" "Couldn't we make a peaceful approach?" "Look, your majesty, here I have reports from all over" "The South." "Already he has seized machine guns, rifles," "Hand grenades." "I tell you this man is going to make a lot of trouble for you." "Maybe, maybe, but I still think we should have a try." "Anyway, I've asked him to meet me." "When?" "This morning." " Where?" " Here." " Here?" " Yeah." "I am sorry, your majesty." "The cabinet will never agree to this." "I'm sorry too." "He's coming." "He's coming?" "You know, that will be marvelous." "Then we could arrest him." "I've promised him safe conduct." "That's better still." "The safer the conduct, the easier to bump him, eh?" "We'll do nothing of the kind." "Right." "He would smell a trap." "He won't come." "Uncle Alex, glad you came." "This is not a courtesy visit." "Now sit down there, Amphibulos," "And don't try any tricks if you know what's good for you." "Uncle, I promised you safe conduct." "You needn't worry." "I don't need your safe conduct." "I have my own out there." "Now, listen to me, boy." "Now that your father is gone and I'm not going to pretend" "I'm sorry, I don't intend to go on bickering with you." "Well, that's wonderful." "As a matter of fact, I intended..." "Never mind your intentions." "There is only one thing to do." "You must abdicate." "Oh?" "In whose favor, yours?" "No, there is the rightful heir to the throne:" "The princess Ilyena." "Hm, well, it's nice to know the arrangements you're making." "You may not know it, but this Adam is ready to fall" "Into my hand like a ripe apple," "Not because the people love me," "But because they are sick to death of this." "The people elected me, your excellency." "Which shows that the people are half-witted." "Your excellency, of course," "Does not favor elections." "You are the best argument against them, Amphibulos." " Your majesty..." " Shut up." "You've got more on your plate, young man," "Than you realize." "Take my advice:" "Abdicate." "I will see that you're provided for." "That's nice of you." "What happens if I say no?" "Well, that would be very stupid." "Now, what's it to be?" "I shall have to think about it, shan't I?" "Till the end of the month." "Uncle Alex, I haven't seen Ilyena for 14 years." "Aren't I going to see her now?" "She's in mourning." "Women do not unveil." "Sorry, I was forgetting." "See you don't forget what I've just told you... that's" "If you don't want to finish up with the rest of them in" "A hotel in Portugal." "Come along." "Well, he did say it wasn't a courtesy visit." "Now you have seen." "Yes." "Yes, perhaps we do need a show of strength." "Amphibulos." "Your majesty." "Who built these stands?" "The works minister, your majesty." "Oh, your cousin." "Yes, he's a sort of cousin, but he's given no time." "Or nails." "I will see to it he never forgets this, your majesty." "Do you see who's here?" "Hmm?" "Admiral, see who just dropped anchor?" "We just got here in time, Joe." "Uncle Alex, glad you were able to come." "Thought I might as well see what is your strength." "So did I." "Ilyena, come and sit here." "Chairs." "I want you to sit in the front so that everyone sees" "You are behind us." "Sit closer to the king." "The king, the king." "Hello there, good-bye." "You are about to see a grand display of our gallant" "Gaillardian forces, each one with meticulous precision in" "Front of you at an arranged moment." "And while they are passing, I will decide for you what" "It is will happen." "First come the brave pioneers," "The men who build the roads on which the army marches." "Also the holes." "In wars, the army uses many holes for trenches" "And other things." "You'd better make a note." "They'll need boots." "And a sergeant major." "These gallant ladies are members of the M.W.S.:" "The mobile women's shootsharpers, otherwise known as the" "King's own." "Well, I don't know what a sergeant major will do with" "That lot." "Or what that lot would do with a sergeant major." "Ah, bravo." "The air forces." "These heroic pilots with their gallant birds are what" "We called with pride "a few of the first."" "Holy cow." "Amphibulos?" "Your majesty?" "Your majesty." "Where on earth did you dig these up?" "They were a present from Great Britain for our" "Glorious part in the first war." "It's good to show, yeah?" "Well, you might have showed them flying." "They have no engines." "What?" "They are disappeared." "Hello, what come now." "Behind the fighting front comes the fighting behind." "Salute to the brave citizens who guard the home." "Today the fighting men do not walk to battle." "They arrive." "The men and machines of the motorized infantry are the" "Finest in the world." "Did you make it clear that this was to be" "A show of strength?" "Oh, give us a hand, somebody." "Ladies and gentlemen, I am sorry," "But there seems to be a slight technical difficulty." "As minister for war, supplies," "And apparently almost everything else," "I hold you entirely responsible for making us" "Look complete idiots." "Whose idea was it anyway?" "You made me look an absolute idiot." "The king is an idiot." "The British are idiots." "The timber was very cheap." "I was promised by the contractor they would use it" "Only for the public." "They are very dishonest men." "They're not the only ones." "Your cousin must have known the wood was rotten." "How the devil was I to know" "The show would be so utterly rotten?" "And of all the rotten things in Gaillardia," "The rottenest is Mr. Amphibulos." "Now you have seen why we have to have money." "And so if the British offer enough, you must take it." "Otherwise, the Russians will make your Uncle so strong," "He will come and throw you out." "Just get this into your head, Amphibulos." "There's not going to be any sell-out." "We're not going to be occupied by anyone." "He shouldn't meddle with things he doesn't understand." "He didn't ask to be a king." "He may not have to worry about that much longer." "Poor boy." "What will he do now?" "Well, what do we do now?" "Of course, our American allies must be laughing" "Their heads off." "Oh, I don't think so." "The admiral broke a leg, you know." "Excellency, Mr. Archipelagos would like" "To see your excellency." "Who?" "The chief of the police, sir." "Really?" "Well, then show him in." "Excellency." "Bellingham." "Oh, how do you do?" "What can I do for you?" "Excellence, as commanding me" "In regard to the only hospitals." "Hella!" "It's a chap." "Quite." "I think this is more up your street, old boy." "Oh, is it?" "Oh, the British council?" "Oh, I'm afraid you can't see him." "He's in bed." "You see he's in bed with lumbago." "I'm so sorry." "I mean, lumbago." "No." "Obviously, he doesn't mean the British council, does he?" "Hmm?" "Remember Amphibulos promised the police would" "Find them for us?" "So he did." "Do you mean the British council?" "You remember, the dancers?" "Oh, lord." "They're still digging." "Just a minute." "We better have a map." "Good idea." "You will show us on the map." "No surface deposits." "The last lot, have we analyzed them yet, Griffiths?" "Oh, yes, sir John, yes." "Most extraordinary." "Well, what was it?" "Epsom salts?" "I think there must be a hole in the bottom of my rucksack." "Well, we've riddled the island with holes and found nothing." "If we don't find it down here," "It's been a wild goose chase." "Well, what do we do then, sir John?" "We danced our way in." "We'll have to dance our way out." "Shh." "Did you hear that?" "Came from over there." "You hang on." "I'll do a quick recce." "C.B.!" "C.B., the Ruskies are here." "What, digging?" "No, but they must be getting warmer." "There you are." "This must be them." "Hello." "What is it?" "Nitroglycerin?" "No, Chanel no. 5." "Could that be the British council?" "One has heard things." "I must say I'm rather surprised." "Look at that." "The French?" "They're at it as well." "Everybody, apparently, except for our chaps." "I say things are getting a bit dicey, aren't they?" "My dear fellow , I dare say that" "Unless we are very careful," "The balloon is likely to go up at any minute." "Come on." ""Exhaustive search reveals all major powers now"" "Digging, stop." ""Informed grand Duke's forces advancing through mountains," "Request guidance."" ""Request guidance."" "Guidance." "Take a cable." ""Congratulations on transforming minor headache"" ""into major crisis, stop."" "Men on stop expected to give advice, not ask it, stop." ""What, repeat, what am I to tell U.N.O." "Next week?"" "I've got to tell my minister something." "He's making a big speech next week." "Hmm." "You know, I can remember the time when one word from" "Great Britain and there would have been a wall" "Between the two peoples to keep them apart." "I say, I think I've got it." "A partition." "A partition?" "But that's brilliant." "Why, I would never have thought of that." "Oh, congratulations." "Ah, over here, darling." "Gentlemen, it has been well-said that east is east" "And west is west." "But so, I venture to suggest, is north and South." "The wolf is already at the door with his... his shoulder" "To the wheel." "On the other hand, the lion is not yet prepared to lie" "Down with the... the..." "Where the devil was I off to?" "The lamb." "No, you fool, the notes." "Where are they?" "All history shows that a house divided against itself" "Cannot stand." "If the people of this unhappy island will not stay" "Apart, they must be kept apart." "Gentlemen, for the peace of Gaillardia... nay," "For the peace of the whole world..." "We ask that this line of partition be drawn." "On the motion of great Britain that between north" "And South a line be drawn." "United States?" "Pakistan?" "Argentine?" "Japan?" "U.S.S.R.?" "What's gone wrong?" "Gentlemen, along the 33rd parallel," "A line will be drawn." "This is the BBC home service." "Here is the 8:00 news." "The king of Gaillardia arrives in London today." "He is coming here at the invitation of the British" "Government to discuss future relations between this" "Country and the northern half of the island." "The foreign secretary, together with Mr. De Vere" "Carlton-Browne, our special ambassador," "Who has himself just returned from Gaillardia," "Will be at London airport to meet him." "I understand he's angry having his country divided" "In half." "We shall have to butter him up a bit." "Might be a good idea if we got him married to some" "English girl." "I'd thought of that, sir." "Anyone in mind?" "Well, I had thought of a cousin of mine..." "lady Angela" "Gore Chisington... who is, of course," "Related to the Duke of Suffolk." "I have a photograph of her here." "Afraid it's rather blurred." "She's joint master of the picture there." "What, this one?" "It is a bad snap, isn't it." "That's one of her hunters." "She's the one on the left." "Extremely wealthy." "She'd need to be." "Yes." "See that he gets the full VIP treatment." "We hope, sir, that you'll be comfortable." "If you should want anything..." "There's only one thing that I want." "That's the other half of my country back." "There will be a meeting, sir." "In fact a series of meetings..." "Yes, but are you going to give it back?" "We're anxious to give every assistance..." "I shall still want it back." "Good-bye." "That young man's going to be difficult." "Ah, minister." "Sir John farthing and his team have just arrived, sir." "That's the Canadian ice hockey team?" "No, our experts from Gaillardia, sir." "Good heavens, I will see him at once." "Yes, sir." "Ah, captain Slade?" "Yes?" "Sir John?" "Aye?" "My dear fellow." "Come and sit down." "Bring a chair." "We've been quite worried about you." "Now, do sit down." "Cigarette?" "I have my pipe." "Now, do tell me." "Well, we found it." "No." "I say we did." "Splendid." "There are very large deposits." "There are?" "Tremendous deposits, comparatively speaking." "Well, that's wonderful." "Now, tell me, what... what are you going to do with it?" "Do with it?" "This... this stuff." "The cobalt?" "Cobalt." "Ah, yes." "I see." "Yes, of course, that's... stuff you'll find in" "Children's paint boxes?" "It's what you paint on a hydrogen bomb to get an" "Explosion of 93 G.X.Z." "I'm very happy to tell you that you're now in a" "Position to blow the entire world to smithereens." "But that's tremendous." "My dear fellow, how can we ever thank you enough?" "The minister's called for a map." "Yes, of course." "Help yourself." "We've pulled it off." "We have?" "Farthing says we've found enough to blow up" "The entire world." "That's terrific." "What a triumph for you." "Congratulations." "Well, one does what one can." "Anything, don't let it go any further." "Oh, of course not." "I have tremendous news." "Yes." " C.B.'S brought it off." " He has?" "We can blow up the entire universe any time we wish." "What?" "But that's appalling." "Do you always have to see the gloomy side of everything?" "Ah, here we are, sir John." "Now you just pinpoint the exact position of the deposits..." "It's along this area around here." "But that's in the South." "Of course it's in the South." "Are you quite sure?" "Naturally I'm sure." "Do you hear that?" "We've got the wrong half." "Yes." "Oh, yes, yes." "Yes." "Yes, I appreciate what you say." "Mm, but already his majesty is waiting for two weeks." "You ask him here for urgent talks," "And leave him to talk to himself." "No, thank you." "His majesty does not wish to see the tower of London." "Already he was at Battersea power station yesterday," "And he hates that Albert memorial." "Now, please, please, he wants only to see the" "Foreign office." "That's right." "Thank you." "Okay, good-bye." "Well, what's the excuse this time?" "The minister's got a cold in the head." "Yesterday his car broke down." "The day before, their advisors went to the wrong ministry." "They say now they try to arrange something quickly." "No, they want to try a bit harder." "There's something very peculiar going on," "And I'd like to know what it is." "I go now to the foreign secretary." "I'll see you when I return." "Yes." "With your majesty's gracious permission," "We will attend to the flowers." "They've just been done." "We regret the inconvenience, your majesty," "But there appears to be some slight misunderstanding." "Is it true that you have the king of Gaillardia staying?" "Yes, ma'am, but I understand that he may be" "Leaving quite shortly." "We do hope you'll be very happy here." "Well, here we are." "Oh, I'm so sorry." "It is possible... and I use the word advisedly," "Possible... that we might pay something." "I suggest 17 million." "I was going to suggest 2 1/2 million." "You must have a word with the minister at once." "Why?" "The king of Gaillardia's just arrived." "But the minister's with the grand Duke." "Well, he insists on seeing him." "He can't." "I don't know what you're going to do about it." "He's in the anteroom." "Where do I find the minister?" "Well, not here, sir." "Out that door, turn right, straight down the corridor." "You'll find somebody to direct you." "Thank you, thank you." "Where is he?" "Well, he was here." "Where's the king?" "The what?" "The king of Gaillardia." "The bloke just made off and missed her." "Just left." "There he is." "Sir, sir, I'm so sorry." "It was your coat." "The minister's conference?" "Through the door, sir." "Thank you." "Come in." "Your majesty, might I have a word with you?" "Not now, Mr. Carlton-Browne." "It's a matter of some urgency." "I'm here to see the minister." "I do understand, but I'm happy at the present moment..." "Mr. Carlton-Browne," "Will you kindly get out of my way?" "Your majesty, I very much regret..." " So do I." " Oh!" "Your majesty, I really must ask that you..." "That's all I wanted to know." "Why on earth did you bring him in here?" "Bring?" "You will please tell his most gracious excellency the" "Grand Duke that there is much I can now do to assist him." "And he is not to worry about the king," "Because the British have dropped him like a bag potato." "So now I think is very simple for all of us." "You will please explain to your Uncle that with me" "Behind the throne and him in front of it," "You will be... how do you say, standing pretty." "Then, of course, you will be queen," "And this young man... who in any case is very" "Stupid... will be thrown out." "Is that all?" "Yes." "Tell him, please." "Very well." "Ilyena?" "Ah, Ilyena, you must get yourself ready at once." "What for?" "Mr. Carlton-Browne is bringing his cousin to meet" "You, the heir to the Duke of Suffolk." "Come in, Amphibulos." "Had a profitable afternoon?" "Your majesty, I have been asleep." "He says that the king has been dropped by the British." "I know that." "And he feels that now you could work very well together." "Oh, he does, does he?" "And I am beginning to think he's right." "What do you say?" "I think what both of you are doing is horrible," "Just horrible." "Please!" "Hello." "Miss Adrianas, you remember me?" "Yes, of course, Mr. Jones." "Well, here we go again." "That's the first nice thing that's happened." "Oh, and where are you off to?" "Nowhere." "May I come too?" "So you know that old bird, do you?" "Yes, I do." "And Ilyena?" "Even better." "I haven't seen her since she was a spotty-faced" "Little horror of about ten." "Can we go in here?" "Anywhere you like." "The minister's given me exactly three days to settle" "The whole matter." "Of course, if you do marry her," "It'll mean living there for part of the year." "Hmm, anything to shoot?" "Only the natives." "What fun." "As polling day draws near in the Gosford Green" "Bi-election, excitement mounts rapidly to fever pitch." "Thank you, there was someone I didn't want to see." "Shh." "Here at first hand, a typical housewife gives our" "Roving camera her views on the burning issues of the day." "What do you think of the cold war, Mrs. Carter?" "I beg your pardon?" "The international situation." "Do you think it's getting any easier?" "Well, I don't really know." "Of course not." "They say that this election will be won on the trade issue." "Do you think we're winning the battle on exports?" "Well, I couldn't say." "No, quite." "They're telling me locally that you're all very" "Concerned about the provision of new schools." "Oh, yes." "Do you feel strongly about that?" "Well, I hadn't really thought about it." "Well, thank you very much indeed, Mrs. Carter." "You've been most helpful." "And I'm sure we all have a clearer idea of what is in" "The mind of the British housewife today." "Thank you, Mrs. Carter." "It's quite all right." "From the island of Gaillardia," "Scene of a recent royal assassination," "Important visitors recently arrived at London airport." "We can go now." "No, we must see this." "We didn't pay to listen to you two gossip." "Following closely on the heels of the young king," "The grand Duke Alexis is here for urgent talks with" "The government." "High foreign office officials were there to greet him." "He is accompanied by his niece, the princess Ilyena," "Whose grace and charm immediately won the" "Affection of all those who met her." "A figure of radiant beauty, her presence here in" "England, together with her Uncle the grand Duke," "Will do much to cement relations between two island peoples." "So that's it." "I'm sorry." "I feel terrible about it." "I've had enough of this." "I'm gonna get the manager." "There's no need." "We're going." "Well, miss Adrianas..." "I'm sorry." "I never meant to deceive you, Mr. Jones." "Please, if you let me, I will explain." "You'd better." "Taxi." "Uncle Alex is going to be very angry." "Well, that makes it just perfect." "Bring another bottle, will you?" "Oui, monsieur." "What's that lounge suit doing here?" "He's the king of Gaillardia." "Don't care if he's Billy hill." "We aren't having lounge suits here." "Oh, well, he's ordered another bottle of the best." "Well, don't take a check." "Is your niece likely to be much longer, sir?" "I'm sorry." "I can't understand what's keeping her." "Ilyena?" "Ilyena?" "What's she like to look at?" "We'll soon see." "I apologize, gentlemen." "It seems my niece has disappeared." "Ilyena..." "Yes?" "Suppose you were running a small family concern," "And you learn that a big corporation has decided to" "Put you out of business, and then you also discover a" "Relative is to be put in your place..." "And that your manager is trying to do a deal" "With both of them behind your back?" "Yes." "That's it." "Well, what would you do?" "I don't know." "I wondered... suppose you put to the shareholders." "Ilyena, that's quite an idea at that." "You know, you and I ought to get together." "Good night, your majesty." "Good night, darling." "Did you see the grand Duke?" "No." "Can't make it out." "He's being most elusive." "Is that my tea?" "Yes." "How about the girl?" "That's just the point." "Three days are up, and you haven't even met her yet." "I don't know what the minister's going to say." "Carlton-Browne?" "Sir." "Come see me at once." "Yes, sir." "Yes, minister?" "What have you been up to now, Carlton-Browne?" "I gave you three days to settle this Gaillardia" "Affair, and what happens?" "The king slips the royal hands," "Returns to the island, and sends me the rudest telegram" "I've ever received." "The princess, after one look presumably at your cousin," "Goes after him." "So does the grand Duke." "And to cap everything, we've just had word that a" "Revolution has broken out." "Revolution, sir?" "Three security slipups, all our negotiations" "Wrecked, and a revolution." "How extraordinary." "Extraordinary, yes." "I don't know what it is." "But put you in charge of anything," "And within 24 hours this department is facing a crisis." "We're committed now." "We can't back out." "We shall have to send troops in fast." "Who was that military fellow you had out there?" "Bellingham, sir?" "He'll have to take charge, knows the country." "I want C.I.G.S., war office, first lord admiralties," "Secretary for air, and the secretary to the cabinet in" "That order." "And, Carlton-Browne, although the prospect" "Appalls me, with half my staff tied up at the united" "Nations and the other half in bed with Haitian flu," "I am reluctantly obliged to place the country's" "Interests in the hands of the very last person I'd" "Have chosen for a mission of this kind." "Oh, who's that, sir?" "You, you..." "You half-witted Halibut." "All history shows that a house artificially divided" "Against itself cannot stand." "Gentlemen, for the future peace of Gaillardia," "Nay of the whole world, we ask that this line be withdrawn." "On the motion of great Britain that between north" "And South the line be withdrawn, United States?" "Pakistan?" "Argentine." "Japan." "U.S.S.R.?" "I thought as much." "What's he saying?" "The Soviet supports the spontaneous revolt of the" "People against harsh aggression." "They're sending 11 aircraft carriers and 19 cruisers on" "A goodwill visit." "And we've sent Carlton-Browne." "All right, can't wait any longer." "Gather round, everybody." "Come on." "Sorry I'm late." "Where have you been?" "I had to go back for my earplugs." "All right, pay attention, everybody." "Now, here's a picture." "The revolution started in the north prepping our" "Position, then over the line to the South." "Rebel headquarters in this village here." "They have no idea we're in the country," "Which would be pretty good parlay." "Right, we're here then... straight across our" "Line of advance." "Our attack goes in at 0200." "20 minutes to mop up advanced posts, consolidate." "1 hour 45 to rebel H.Q., which will be taken by 0440." "That should give us plenty of time to court-martial the" "Leaders, shoot them, Polish equipment before breakfast." "Any questions?" "Oh, what time is breakfast?" "You can have it any time." "Where does one get it?" "Well, haven't you brought any?" "In all our strength, you know." "Anything else?" "All right, synchronize watches." "Make 0135, 15 seconds." "0135, 16 seconds it is, sir." "I said 15." "Yes, sir, but I was aligning the time you were speaking." "But I spoke for more than a second." "Well, sir..." "All right, what do you make it now?" "0135, 28, sir." " 29, sir." " 31, sir." " Nonsense, my..." " Oh, stop this." "C.B., what do you make of it?" "Hmm?" "Oh." "I'm afraid mine's stopped." "Everyone will now set their watches at 0136." "D hour is at 0140 minus 2, plus 3." "Got that?" "Yes, sir." "All right, fall out." "No smoking." "Didn't you say no smoking?" "Hmm?" "Follow me." "Bellingham?" "Bellingham, what's that?" " What?" " Listen." "Hello, Rolo." "Rolo answering." "Message received and understood." "Off." "Attacking advance post just going in, sir." "Dead on." "They've started." "Nothing to worry about." "We'll fall out about half an hour." "Good." "Hello, Rolo." "Rolo calling." "Report my signals." "Hello, Rolo." "Rolo calling." "Are you receiving me?" "Report my signals, over." "What progress?" "None, sir." "We've lost contact." "They went off the air in the middle of a message." "Blasted W.T." "Always pecks out just when you want it." "Extraordinary that if one didn't know," "One might think that the shooting was getting nearer." "Nonsense." "Pure illusion." "It must be the mountains." "Quite." "What is it?" "There's a force coming at us through the forest, sir." " From which direction?" " There, sir." " We're being attacked, sir." " Where?" " From over here, sir." " Nonsense." "Where?" "There, sir." "Inside quick!" "Let me in!" "What the devil were you doing out there?" "We're being attacked!" "Impossible." "There's not a rebel this side of the mountains." "Where did that come from?" "Must be a rebel force we haven't heard about." "What do we do?" "There's only one thing we can do." "Here, take these." "We'll have to shoot our way out." "But I can't." "I'm a civilian." "If I'm caught with these, I'd be shot on the spot." "If you're caught at all, you'll be shot on the spot." "They wouldn't dare, would they?" "Shh." "Listen." "They stopped firing." "Contact again, sir." "Attack progressing." "Advanced post surrounded." "Shut up." "Quick!" "Quick, clear this off." "Major Miller, what's the meaning of this?" "Surrounding your own headquarters?" "Bloody scandal." "Must have gone round in circles, sir." "If you didn't you're going to." "Put yourself under arrest." "Sir." "Captain Bowles..." "Sir." "Take these men back to the start line." "The operation will continue." "Sir." "All right, fall in over there." "Follow me." "At the double!" "Get these men moving." "Hurry up." "We're lucky they didn't shoot us." "I don't agree." "No sign of "a" company on that flank either, sir." "Can't make it out." "Shouldn't we sit here and wait for them?" "Certainly not." "We're already behind schedule." "Anyway, they could be ahead of us." "All right, fall in behind." "Come on." "Bellingham, are all campaigns like this?" "Like what?" "Well, a shambles." "Nothing of the kind." "Everything's going completely according to plan." "I don't know what you're talking about." "As a matter of fact, if we get there by daybreak," "We can still catch them on the hop." "Important thing is initiative and" "Surprise... completely surprise?" "Carlton-Browne?" "Mr. Carlton-Browne, and you, colonel." "I beg your pardon, brigadier." "I see you've been promoted." "This is quite unexpected." "Where were you two off to?" "I, sir... we, sir..." "Well, sit down, both of you." "You must be very tired." "I would rather stand." "Thank you, sir." "Well, now, Mr. Carlton-Browne." "Well, sir, we'd... we'd heard that there was a" "Revolution, and..." "You rushed troops out here to rescue me?" "Yes, sir." "Well, that was very considerate." "Weren't you told that I started it?" "Started what, sir?" "The revolution." "The minister made it clear it was the only thing left" "To do, and it's going very well." "No, I'm very glad, sir." "Thank you." "Well, apart from a few of the grand Duke's men," "Seems to be all over." "I think I will sit down if you don't mind, sir." "Certainly." "Excuse me a moment." "Gentlemen, I think you know my fiancee the princess Ilyena." "They've gallantly made the most arduous journey to" "Bring us their government's congratulations." "How very brave." "Yes." "I shall have to find some way to express our gratitude" "For all they've done." "Of course." "What you have done will be long remembered" "In Gaillardia." "We, therefore, do invest you with the star of Elysium," "Third class." "That surprised you, didn't it?" "Only one thing clouds our happiness today." "For reasons of health, the grand Duke Alexis has" "Decided to spend his remaining years in a hotel" "In Portugal." "Mr. Amphibulos, with rare generosity," "Has resolved to accompany him." "And now I'm going to ask Mr. Carlton-Browne to kick" "Off for this goodwill football match," "Which will mark the departure of our visitors" "From the U.S.A." "And the u.S.S.R." "Thank you, Mr. Carlton-Browne." "Your majesty." "How many paragraphs, Arthur?" " None." " None?" "There's a short reader." ""When Cadogan De Vere Carlton-Browne leaves" ""hospital today, he will go straight to Buckingham" ""palace for investiture." ""His knighthood is a well-merited reward for his" ""services in the cause of world peace." ""His handling of a difficult situation has throughout" "Proved a triumph of British diplomacy.""