"THE CHILD I NEVER WAS Google translation - please improve." "With notes and letters from Paul Moor's book "Jürgen Bartsch:" "Opfer und Täter"." "I can not answer more questions." "A few years ago in 1967 or perhaps 68, could." "But today ..." "Do not ask me why." "Perhaps in time I have erased the details." "But that's okay." "After the first time, there was a respite." "I had a real attack and tried to stop him." "I used to pray." "I would have done anything for God to take me out of this shit." "That means a lot for a blessed boy of 15 years." "Langenberg, March 1962" "He was convinced God could free me   of this obligation." "Then I killed the boy with a gas pistol." "The documents said the boy was missing and where her parents lived." "Last week I was there and waited outside the house." "Did you give yourself?" "No idea." "Something drove me there." "You can let go of my guilt?" "Only God can set you free and forgive your sins." "But give me absolution." "Only if you repent of your sins and want to compensate." "I do want." "Then must devote the rest of your life to charity." "But even more importantly, must surrender to police." "Asked by many books, but we could not find a solution." "I stopped going to church and to confession." "I said:" "God forgive you if you surrender." "But I was very afraid." "And could because I was hooked." "So he had to continue." "It took a while but   happened again." "I found the second boy near Essen." "It was 3 years later, and it could lead car." "I followed him without him knowing." "It was a shame." "Took the wrong train and lost in Essen." "Then he found the police station." "I got out and wondered whether he should go." "He put one foot inside the door." "But change my mind and went." "He spoke after is about 100 meters away." "He has not eaten anything all day." "I still remember his happy face when I offered to help." "But I took him where he wanted to go." "I wanted to take him to the cave." "By the way I stopped in a forest." "So I forced myself that were left bare." "I gagged and tied." "And I placed her on the catwalk." "So I took him inside the cave." "Then strangled." "It was Werner Schmitz." "Good luck!" "But a week after ... was ready again." "Want to win 20 frames?" "You've spent a lot on me." " It's not free, you'll have to earn it." "What should I do?" " I'm a detective, you see." "I do not like to hide my identity, but sometimes need anonymity." "See?" "So I need someone to trust." "I thought you could be my messenger." "It's easy." "But I gotta be home by 7.30." " I'll make sure not be late." "I promise." "Incredibly how unfortunate were those guys." "Would have run if he knew what the lock." "That was set incorrectly." "I could not know you had to lift the handle." "So   I had it." "Help!" "Let me go." "Help!" "Shut up!" "I said shut up!" "Open your mouth." "Give me your hands." "Stay well and shut the fuck up." "Crap!" "Not now." "Come on." "Amazing." "I drove for an hour before I could catch him." "I was so exhausted that could not do anything." "However, no remember doing anything." "If you masturbate, it would once or twice." "Not return until the next evening." "When I saw the body of Werner again   I buried along with the Sams." "The decomposition was distressing." "Worms and insects repellents." "Although   his back, buttocks and legs were unaffected." "This excited me." "Werner had a beautiful body." "I was happy with that appearance." "I always made sure not see your other hand" "I figured that was undamaged." "When I had to bury I thought what he did and there was more to come   that was a good feeling." "I do not think about the poor worms." "It's wrong." "God, why are there such people?" "What made before birth?" "During these 6 years behind bars things have gone well with my parents." "Maybe because I'm a good boy now." "As it was around 9 or 10 years ..." "I can not imagine be apart from them." "Nor do I imagine dead." "It is a totally unbearable." "I really like my parents." "I am happy when they come to visit." "To be honest, 15 minutes is enough, you know." "I do not like jail." "But it's better than them pestering me." "When we were together, we were always alone." "We were not able to say "I love you" to another." "Never did." "Life at home was very cold." "Papa Noel has bought gifts." "Merry Christmas!" " Merry Christmas!" "For me!" "Do not want to sing carols first?" "No, I'm older." "The murderers sing carols." "Enough to drive you crazy." "I thought I could forget everything bad in the afternoon." "But there was always an atmosphere and you knew it was becoming unbearable." "Thank you." "Merry Christmas." "Merry Christmas." " Thanks." "Well, coming or not?" "Ok." "Now what?" "We will not do anything now!" "Want to see what we do?" "Almost jumped out the window." "Why is there hell?" "Why am I better off dead?" "A murderer?" "That can not be." "Today is a day like any other." "Like the TV show:" ""Same procedure as last year, madam?" "Like every year, James."" "I can not imagine having better parents." "But he never showed me affection." "My parents never play with me." "Although I bought many toys." "I bought a game for more than one player." "I do not understand." "I do not understand that." "It's lack of consideration?" "Now I get letters from my mother saying I can get what you want." "If I wanted a car would." "It will be his way of showing love ..." "Do not know if putting in a home while I was young was the only solution they saw." "In theory, my mother I could not care at all times." "What a joke." "When she dreamed, I sold or attacked me with a knife." "I do not think so." "You, idiot!" "How often have I told you you to take your shoes off?" "Nothing but trouble and dirt." "You do it on purpose." "That's it." "I just hope your father gets home." "But 5 minutes later everything was fine." "Come to hug me and kiss me." "Then he wondered why he was afraid." "And if someone insinuates ... could have been anything," "I better hide." "My mother always chose my clothes." "From my shorts to my shoes." "Who also come out." "Many kids were not right for me." "My schedule was very structured." "Afternoons with my teacher, some nights on the floor of my grandmother." "He had no home, no friends or companions." "I could not leave without my grandmother." "During 6 years, until I started school." "Supposedly by the traffic." "And that could mess." "So few people know that really was not his son." "Adoption contract ..." "Son is not legitimate ..." "Tuberculosis ..." "Adoption ..." "Legitimate child." "Father unknown." "The adopted child ..." "First name ..." "Gertrud, your mother Bartsch Mom, if you prefer." "She could not have children, so we decided to adopt you." "It took a long time with all papers." "But then it was official." "And we were all very happy." "My father has never been that good." "In 20 years I have never spoken." "Not as played, not as a father." "I was all day in the shop so I did not need to care for your family." "... that day showed that had any soul." "And about 20 marks   under the circumstances forget it this time." "I think not repeat it, okay?" "With hindsight, the adoption was a great relief." "Because I thought, "Thank God who did not to have me."" "What women and men do together was horrible for me." "Your father told me that you locked in the office." "What will become of you?" "Were you thinking?" "Rot." "You have everything you need." "Can return." "Do not be so brazen to your mother." "I will leave at 21." " See if it's true." "First of all, 're too dumb to live elsewhere." "If you thought about leaving home   I swear to be back in 2 days." "I knew I would not go at 21." "He had not enough confidence." "It would have been absurd." "I just needed my anger burst." "Hurry up and go to bed." "I do not want to be a man." "I want to be a boy." "Period." "I did not enjoy my work." "The butchers have to cut the bones well." "Accuracy between the head and snout." "I was happy with the cutting board on top." "As calves suck your hand." "Always take a look." "It was so unpleasant." "Still, had no sexual tendencies for animals!" "Could have prevented everything." "But ultimately, my poor conscience triumphed." "He was everything to me." "I would have inherited in a day." "To be honest, I felt small and weak to work." "And now this crazy theory butcher." "What's that supposed to mean?" "They are murderers of children." "No matter that would work," "If you were outside and not have this impulse." "Then I'm sure it would work with children." "It might have worked as a caregiver." "That was one of my greatest dreams." "Even with the sick, orphans, or kids that nobody wanted." "I mean, nobody should beat children." "Not required." "There is no need for it." "I like the artwork." "as you can not be a good magician without being more impressed than the others." "Many are uncomfortable on stage." "Poer once started, I felt very relaxed." "People are cold." "Not as close as in real life." "I can show something without them requesting an explanation." "Only now, in high school I feel really safe." "I can not do anything wrong." "I stopped thinking would be a self-confident as others." "I knew   that could not be part of society for my emotional problems." "Would deny that I was really happy." "Once I put sugar on the ledge of the window so that the stork brought us another child." "It did not work, what could I do?" "... Now I prefer to be alone." "as for any child, separation my parents was a nightmare." "You always think you do not want." "You have to have felt like doing that." "In homes of the boys I was treated better than at home." "Although my friendship with the other is always fucked." "Always afraid of the new guys." "My knees used to shake it I saw two guys who did not know." "In the warehouse there were hundreds." "Some seemed they could not expect to beat me." "Are you afraid, coward!" "It was a horrible dream that you never want to repeat." "But for another reason, as if to go out." "Marienhausen was hell." "A Catholic hell, but no help." "Up to 6 am and aboluto silence." "Down the stairs in pairs." "Then to church to church." "At school in silence, and paired" "There followed a break." "We could not speak until 10." "I'd say your number if you did something wrong." "And that was not difficult." "Who was it?" "We have tried this." "Are you stupid?" "You are the best." "So behave yourself now." "It is a privilege." "Understood?" "Start again." "You could say if someone was late." "Never hit me when we were alone." "They realized." "I would offer this hell again with the same patience   only through the solidarity of boys compared to the sadistic." "At such times, all were one." "Every day Father warned us Seidlitz not to break the Sixth Commandment." "Although this was the age, we were beginning to masturbate." "Many kids did." "I went to bed with another guy." "But it was very risky." "There was always someone awake" "Someone might squeal." "I would have done if I had courage." "Hug   feel his skin would have been more important than masturbate." "If you want a way to breed gay   recommend Marienhausen." "It is normal to recognize them." "If your hands are wet, then you must be homosexual." "People who make those nasty things must be criminals." "And those delinquencies are almost as bad as murder." "St. Paul said it was a deadly disease." "In class, parent Seidlitz "admitted" he had to fight." "But, by God's wishes, would stick to Satan." "But the Lord was not willing camp on the Eiffel." "I would not let him shop, father." "His forehead is hot." "You do not look good." "You'll have to stay in bed, boy." "Thank you." "This will distract and speed your recovery." "Thank you." "Time to turn off the radio and sleep." "Give it back, my boy." "Put it there." "Feel better?" "Not too bad." "Come and lie beside me." "Come on." "She hugged as you would any parent." "At first, I did not suspect anything." "So far no need names." "It was nothing compared to what he had done." "Then I turned around and grabbed my hand." "He said "up and down" as well ..." "And then he did   and he did." "I thought it had to do that while in a fever." "But like I said   compared to what I did ... nothing happened." "Pretty funny." "While I have respect now." "It was not the typical pederast." "He was thin and tried to bring chocolate." "He played football with us." "organized films and a parish fair for us." "Your sexual deviation not noticed, you know?" "I would like to forget." "That is why I do not like to discuss this." "Talking about what happened to you." "It's harder to talk what you've done." "When it is on your body." "It is hard even for Jürgen Bartsch." "I had my first friend in Marienhausen." "Not because I was looking for but found that two solitary." "The friendship was forbidden." "The friendship was suspect." "Every day have a sexual bond." "With him again?" "Do not try it!" "Dirk Whit ..." "Not a minute of rest!" "..." "I tried to monopolize." "You will be my death!" " If you looked away, I was angry." "If we argued, I felt awful." "In church, praying always we might get back together again." "Dirk loved   without saying it." "And that was the problem." "What happens?" "I am going, you coming?" "Where?" "I do not know, out of here." "I have money from my parents." "Come on, come on." " Okay." "You're crazy!" "You did it on purpose!" " You're crazy, just sleeping." "Get out." "Leave me alone." "Everything happened very fast." "There was no time to think." "Toss the train and die." "Then you will be able to defend themselves." "Then you can undress." "Then I realized something bad happened to me." "You must believe me!" "Nobody was more shocked than me!" "Only until they returned my sexual thoughts." "After a few hours I became calm." "What I tried to do before   I forgot." "He needed to be healed." "Because I'm sick, sick and sick again." "I discovered the cave when voli of Marienhausen." "I really loved it." "It was something I pursued." "And nobody else knew." "It was my kingdom." "It seemed the perfect place." "It was the best place to do it." "I thought, just say to some boy about the hidden gold, and will follow you." "I spend weeks trying." "Try to look around." "For the state and the Mt." "But it was not easy." ""Thank God", must say today." "I prefer male children   that ordinary people." "Delgado, pretty face, dark hair, big eyes ..." "No beard." "The beard off his charm." "I wondered if I should have hair." "Be fully developed or not?" "I was very confused." "A figure was good enough." "But nothing of red hair." "Only black hair or dark." "Do not know why, but it inhibited the hair." "Had to have at least 8 years but not more than 14." "For me, a man was not a sexual object." "Lately, I've been dreaming to lie on the floor." "A boy going over me with his legs." "With his ass up." "Its parts hanging a bit ..." "Then come down ..." "Puting his cock and eggs in my mouth." "It may sound strange, but would be a very emotional event." "I am not against a homosexual ..." "I'm just normal   normal is all I seek." "At 17, I became much worse." "So to be normal, I tried with women." "I went to Essen for whores." "But I'm not seduced." "Where are you, Jurgen?" " I'm coming!" "Do not misunderstand me." "I have nothing against women." "But I see   why men see it beautiful." "Happy Birthday, my boy!" "All the best!" "Good health and happiness." "You will always be a satisfaction to your parents!" "Thank you, mother." " I have a surprise for you." "Your father gave me this before going to work." "Congratulations!" "And do not dawdle on the way!" "Are you happy?" "It is the first razor that had." "She used it at your age." "Well, no?" "But other things are also good!" "Do not forget, you have to go soon ..." "When I had my first beard   rejected this sign of masculinity." "Rather than a sign of masculinity but a sign of becoming an adult." "If you loved someone, as a boy to a girl be better to find the perfect victim." "Of course, I should not hold back." "The momentum would go alone." "Two or three years   I fell in love." "I could not help it either in prison." "Heintje was." "boy famous Dutchman." "I heard it a few times on the radio." "I almost went crazy when I saw him in an interview." "Was so unattainable   the desire was so great I could not go anywhere." "Two days later tried to kill myself." "He was a hero to me." "He was a kid, for what they did" "He did nothing." "They did it, see?" "A child needs lots of love." "Not just their parents." "but also from their peers." "His best friends." "People who saw Heintje by orphanages had to ask   who is worse?" "Heintje the 50 orphanages?" "What happened to Jürg?" "What Jürg?" "Jürg, from next door!" "What am I supposed to do?" "Mr." "Dell said he hit him in a cave   You put him hand." "Is that true?" " Absolutely a lie!" "He said he would go to the police." "Your father is trying to soften." "It is totally a lie!" "What you did to that boy?" " He said it was nothing." "He would not complain about anything." " He's lying." "We were playing." "Do you mean by "play"?" "Play." "As stories of tuples." "I'll give the boy 20 marks." "From your wallet!" " Why there?" "It's as good as admitting it, leave it .." "This will dissolve, and not I ruined his reputation." "Then improve your education." "It was always the same." "Looking back, it was fun." "They knew it was just adopted." "The police decided it was not child's play." "My parents did not suspect anything." "They even had to have suspected something was wrong with my sexuality." "Dime." "What happened?" "Only undressed, that's all." "Not as bad as it seems." "I just wanted to see him naked." "If you want to know something, about girls and that   you can ask me anytime." "Among men, you know." "No, forget it." "Maybe you're sick, Jürgen." "Not normal when it comes to sex." "Maybe you can do something." "Some doctors may be able to help." "Then, at trial, found who went to the Social Services for advice." "I did not think my behavior was normal." "But they assured him it was not unusual." "And that was it." "Before this started, it was pretty good and never need to invent excuses." "During that time I was always accused of lying." "He said he was at the movies or that the bus broke down." "My parents were angry." "Do not believe me." "But it could prove." "Soon it did not matter how much I cried." "At school it got worse." "He was beaten almost daily." "I started stealing my grandmother." "I paid the school bully for protection." "After stealing some money from the store." "That in two or three years   have been about 25,000 marks." "Most of it was me in taxis for kids." "And at the fair in the parish." "Or in my affairs, Like George, for example." "I met him in the state." "I was extremely in love with him." "One day I decided I could not wait any longer." "It was New Year." "Shut up now." " Do not say anything." "Want money?" "I'll give you 50 if you act dead." "It means that neither see nor hear anything." "No, that's nonsense." "So what?" "We will see from here." "And your mother?" "This is what I have." "Ok." "Not yet that is a real kiss." "To learn what a real kiss need to have practiced." "I never had much practice." "In the following weeks and months I became more aggressive with Georg." "He wanted more money." "But the price stayed at 50." "I have not found his memories." "It was just sexual gratification." "Nothing more, nothing less." "Humans are stupid enough to think a small gratificadion is better than none." "My pants were often wet." "It was always something there." "One member was always hard attractive." "My first orgasms were completely unbearable." "The paradise that must be it." "I masturbated and fantasized every night." "It was more a pain than a pleasure." "But he could not control." "I imagined a naked boy." "He would hit a lot that was nailed by force." "I told George to come to the field." "He said, "No, you'll lose it again."" "I took it anyway as and forced him to be naked." "Then I had a bad idea." "I said I hit him 13 times." "Each stronger." "And if not, kill him." "Only was a bargain." "Or so I thought." "So I hit him, louder and louder." "I gave him a beating in the legs." "But not defended." "As I wanted." "But do not stop at 13." "I stopped when my hand started hurting me." "I swore I was sorry." "I, too, because   I had liked it." "Otherwise he would not have returned." "Pretend that you're falling." "No wait, wait a minute." "Scream!" "That was good." "At least six times." "We could kill kids, do you think?" "I'll come home and find one." "We can take you to the cave and kill him." "I tried to find children but could not get any." "You know how it is." "After we will for a while, lost interest." "In truth, I wanted to involve Georg." "I even thought of killing him." "After admitting what he had done." "I used to think I could not do it alone." "About that time could not control my impulses." "Then I wanted to check with." "None of this was true." "You see, nothing." "Maybe if he found the body then I could have killed him." "Maybe not." "It is a great step before thinking about killing a boy." "At that age you can not imagine what it truly is." "It is like saying, "I'm busy." "I think I will kill someone."" "It's not as simple as that." "You feel threatened." "Then try to repress." "But it is not normal." "As an attempt to prevent the inevitable." "Just have to." "You can not stop." "At first weeks tried to talk to boys." "Must have been 50 or 100." "I despaired when not working." "Sounds stupid but I felt my role was to continue looking." "And then it was time." "At first just wanted to strip and touch him." "After the massacre following the amputation." "First cut your stomach and remove the innards." "Nothing more than that!" "Then, you would expect." "Instead of minutes, take all night." "I masturbate more than satisfied." "When I masturbate the victim was already dead." "And nearly as torn or whole." "The smell and touch was like a sexual desire for power." "During the event would have a one-hour orgasm." "I had enough." "It was terrible." "It's like   You're physically exhausted ... and when everything is over   thank God." "Langenberg, March 1966" "They are scared and cry." "Otherwise I would not have aroused." "You can not defend." "But they must beg for mercy." "The adversary can only move when I say." "That's the downside." "With the small   Wilfried." "I got what I never did before." "He was still alive," "...then strangled him." "The terrible thing happened   but did not come from my soul." "For my soul never grew up like I did." "It went great and small." "I could not understand he wanted to be caught." "Now, subliminally I thought it would be best." "As a predator to prey have died before taking a step back." "Homosexuality was not a problem." "I could control it at will." "But I could for to commit crimes." "My greatest wish would write a small book." "Maybe call it "How to protect my child."" "As soon as if he saw a boy." "React." "I would warm my knees shakes." "Shroud   and my heart speed up." "Sometimes I could not hold my breath." "If I freed would be afraid to fall again." "If a young boy in a swimsuit pass through the door now." "Possibly vomit." "I could not bear it would be very awkward for me." "Often thought that this can not be normal." "I thought everyone would be horrified." "But in the end, they would." "Then they all try to help." "I would like to apologize the boy is still alive." "God, what would seem?" "Dieter was 14." "He looked younger." "And it was not my type." "But I could not find anyone else." "Idiot!" "Defend yourself!" "No." "No one can hear you scream here." "Come on, do not stop." "He really wanted to be kissed." "That was new, had never kissed." "It was only because he hit very hard." "What he preferred?" "Kicking or hitting a kiss?" "What, you get up?" " No, I can not." "What time is it?" "I'm confused." "It's cold." "Can you give me some clothes?" "Now I come." "You can leave a lighted candle?" "I left because I had to go home." "To eat that disgusting soup we always had." "Before that I had to deliver meat to the state." "I had to shower from 8.15 to 8.45." "While my mother washed thinking about what to ask the boy." "Now you will bind." "Take care of your hair!" "It was a sad feeling." "Expecting a miracle, would return to the cave." "It was a Saturday." "On Monday I was back again." "I was arrested on Tuesday." "Now I'll show you a magic trick." "He agreed." "How do you like?" "It was a great trick, no?" "Jürgen Bartsch spent another 4 years Rottland in high school in Eickelborn." "Instead of returning to society he married a nurse from Hanover." "Two years later, he called castration." "He participated in the OR on 28 April 1976 at age 29." "He died during surgery." "by error of anesthesia."