"(barking orders)" "# #" "Baby, get me General Merritt in Washington." "Now, let's get started on those TV spot announcements." "You cheered to Rory Mundane and Gloria Glow in their torrid love scenes in C.D. Chadwick's great tribute to our fighting GI's," "They Met on Okinawa." "You thrilled to the song hits in C.D. Chadwick's great war epic, Iwo Jima Baby." "Now comes his most colossal of all battle pictures, the true story of the men who landed on the beaches to win the Battle of Kabuchi Island" "Guns, Guts and Gals." "General Merritt." "Hold on, will ya, baby?" "Now, take this down." "A tribute to the men of Kabuchi Island." "They made the Japanese say "Uncle,"" "and the girls say, "More, more, more!"" "General Merritt?" "Chick Benson." "Did you get the script and the advance publicity of C.D.'s new picture?" "Oh, but think of the boys who fought on Kabuchi." "What sort of a tribute is this?" ""Their battle flag was a torn sarong, but they blasted their way into Tokyo."" "Look, General, C.D. makes $5 million on every war picture." "Let's not argue with success." "Now, about that Army cooperation..." "They want cooperation." "Maybe if we didn't cooperate on this." "Eh, we've got to cooperate." "Chadwick'll go ahead and make the picture, anyway." "At least this way, we'll know they've got our soldiers in American uniforms." "Okay." "Benson, please, reconsider." "Not a chance." "By the way, General, uh, what did you do about that request I wired you about sending us a soldier who was in the Battle of Kabuchi and is still in the Army?" "You know, sort of a technical advisor." "Yeah, I'm checking the records." ""Technical advisor."" "You'll take a couple of publicity pictures, and then send the poor guy back without even seeing the studio-- I know the routine!" "General, you kill me." "This just came in from Records, sir." "Sergeant E. Bilko." "What's that?" "That soldier they want in Hollywood, sir, who was in the Battle of Kabuchi and is still in the Army." "He's stationed at Fort Baxter." "Fort Baxter?" "Where's that?" "Roseville, Kansas-- it's a very small installation." "I'll get the commanding officer for you, sir" "Colonel J.T. Hall." "To all permanent party, with special attention to Sergeant Bilko, in charge of motor pool." "Reports have reached me that Army vehicles have again been observed at the local drive-in theater." "I wish to point out... (phone ringing)" "Take that, Lieutenant." "I wish to point out that Army vehicles..." "All right, hold on." "It's the Pentagon!" "The Pentagon?" "Calling this post?" "They must have the wrong number." "I wish to point out..." "Uh, no, sir, it's for you." "They're connecting you with General Merritt." "For me?" "Yes, sir." "Uh, Colonel Hall is ready." "The Pentagon calling?" "Maybe we're at war." "Lieutenant, did you hear anything on the radio this morning?" "Uh, no, sir." "Uh, General Merritt, uh, here's Colonel Hall, sir." "General Merritt?" "Bilko?" "Representing the Army?" "Our Army?" "!" "General... if I may be per..." "permitted, sir, uh, he's not the man..." "Yes, sir." "I see." "I'll wait for the orders." "Get Bilko." "Bilko?" "Yes." "They're sending him on an extended, all-expenses-paid trip to Hollywood." "To Hollywood!" "Yes." "Who said crime does not pay?" "Sergeant Bilko, sir." "Colonel, the minute I heard you wanted me," "I dropped everything and rushed right over." "I..." "Now, how did these get in here?" "I..." "Bilko, I just received orders from Washington." "You're leaving us." "You'll be missed on this post." "Why don't we give a party-- get some cold cuts, Lieutenant..." "Bilko!" "Why must the... the most serious conversation with you suddenly become a sparring match?" "Well, I'm sorry, sir-- it's just that you're so jovial to talk with, sir, I enjoy it..." "Bilko!" "The order from the Pentagon concerns you." "Me, sir?" "It concerns the time you were on Kabuchi Island." "Oh, that." "Are they bringing that up again?" "Sir, the Court of Inquiry definitely proved that that native girl was lying." "Bilko!" "I did pay her for the laundry, Lieutenant." "I gave her the standard rate:" "12 cigar coupons." "Bilko!" "It's not that!" "Washington is sending you to Hollywood." "You should see what she did to my laundry," "Lieutenant-- crushed every button." "I mean, you can't whip them in shape-- it's enough to drive you out of..." "Excuse me, sir, I thought I heard you say something fantastic about Hollywood." "I must be dreaming of something else, I guess." "They're making a war picture about the Battle of Kabuchi!" "And the Army is sending you to Hollywood for an indefinite period." "Really, sir, I know we've had our differences in the past, but I never thought you'd resort to practical jokes." "(laughs):" "Oh, sir, you do kid." "It's a joke, all right!" "But it's true." "Here are your orders;" "you leave at once." "A movie?" "I knew it!" "It was just a question of time." "A movie!" "I knew this would happen." "Remember, now, Bilko, you're representing the United States Army." "Bilko..." "Bilko on Kabuchi." "What a picture!" "Bilko, I know you." "Now, if I hear that you've caused those people the slightest amount of trouble..." "Trouble?" "Sir, I'll give them my full cooperation." "As a matter of fact, I'd better hurry, sir." "I wouldn't want to cause any delays on my account." "And thank you both very much, sir." "And believe me, sir, when I get there," "I'll see to it that you're represented in this picture." "Me?" "I was in Australia at the time." "It's the same war-- what difference does it make?" "And I'll see the character that plays you is somebody worthy of the-- I have it, sir." "I know who'll play you." "I've got the actor in mind." "Spencer Tracy." "Please don't try to dissuade me, sir." "I know it's you." "Spencer Tracy." "I feel it." "Thank you both very much." "Spencer Tracy." "Don't talk me out of it, sir." "Bilko!" "I'll have no nonsense!" "Spencer Tracy?" "!" "(chuckling):" "Yes, sir, it is ridiculous, isn't it?" "What's so ridiculous about it?" "Oh, nothing, sir!" "Boys, we've got a winner in this picture" "Love in a Foxhole." "Love in a Foxhole?" "I thought this was Guns, Guts and Gals." "I changed it." "Right, C.D." "I never liked that Guns, Guts and Gals." "Using that word "gals."" "Crude." "Right, C.D.!" "Right, C.D.!" "Men, in a few minutes... in a few minutes, we're going to be down there, and we're gonna see those cameras grinding." "I want them to catch the heroism, the raw bravery of Rory Mundane." "I want the story of Sergeant Skinner..." "Miss Ryan, this is a conference." "What is it?" "It's this Sergeant Bilko." "Sergeant what?" "He's that GI we brought out here" "who was actually in the Battle of Kabuchi." "Now..." "I'll get rid of him, C.D." "Now, Benson, you know I don't want any soldiers around when I'm making a war picture." "It makes me nervous." "Yeah." "Well, he should've been gone by now." "He arrived last night." "I had all the movie columnists meet him at the plane for an interview." "It made all the wire services." "We got a picture, didn't we, here on the front page?" "There it is." "Now, before he leaves, see that he gets all the things that a soldier loves." "You know, a pillow that says "Home" and "Mother,"" "Gloria Glow's, uh, autograph..." "Right, I'll send him on his way, C.D." "Oh, and, uh, he probably will want to thank us." "Send him in." "That's a gracious thought, C.D." "Now, look, boys, he's going to be a little overwhelmed." "You know, a soldier among important people." "Try to make him feel at ease." "Offer to shake hands with him." "They appreciate things like that." "Right this way, Sergeant Bilko." "C.D. Chadwick, we meet at last!" "At last?" "Believe me, C.D., you are a hero to us boys." "In that war, every time there was a lull in the fighting, they showed one of your battle pictures, and I'd like to say right here and now, it took our minds off the war." "C.D., please..." "This man is..." "This man is..." "How are you?" "I don't think I've had the pleasure." "How are you?" "Benny Bond." "Benny Bond, the well-known director!" "Say, look at those." "I guess I directed a few people in my time." "What about that?" "(chuckles)" "Sergeant Bilko, if you don't mind...?" "How are you?" "Glad to see you." "I don't think I've had the pleasure." "Elmo Eddington-- now, he wrote..." "I know, I know what he's written." "Saw all your pictures." "Believe me, with this picture, you're gonna make a comeback." "You're all right." "Sergeant," "we're very busy." "Please, if you don't mind..." "How's every...?" "Is that Jule Styne, the well-known songwriter?" "Yes, but perhaps later..." "Jule Styne, I've waited for this all my life." "This is a writer, gentlemen." "This is a proud moment." "He writes." "How'd you like that statement, huh, I gave to the press?" "I guess they'll think twice before they ever refer to you as "Hokeypokey Chadwick" again, huh?" "Who called me "Hokeypok..."" "Oh, C.D., they..." "Ah, keeping things from the old man." "He's all right." "He's keeping you away from all these little disturbances." "This is a good man here, a good man." "Benson, what have you been keeping from me?" "Oh, it means nothing, C.D." "Certain irresponsible movie critics..." "Dogs!" "Dogs!" "Mad dogs!" "Biting at the heels of one of the greatest movie producers since Georgie Jessel." "This man right here." "This man has given you things I'm very proud of." "Look, Sergeant, we're all ready to go." "There's really nothing more that you can do." "What I can do?" "Say, I'm gonna start to tell you how to make pictures?" "I wouldn't presume." "I'll just sit here as quiet as a mouse." "(barking orders)" "Look alive here!" "All right, this is gonna be great." "Go ahead, C.D." "Thank you!" "Men, in a few minutes..." "Cigarettes?" "Cigarettes, anybody?" "We get 'em for free." "Help yourselves, fellas." "Sergeant, please, Mr. Chadwick is trying to make a..." "I'm not trying anymore!" "I'm giving it up!" "Now, get down on that set and get those cameras rolling." "(quietly):" "Get him out of here." "He'll be gone in five minutes, C.D." "Now, look, Miller, I know how Rory loves those close-ups, but we've got to have long shots." "This is a $50,000 set." "And Sampson here made an exact replica of it, and..." "Anything wrong, Sergeant?" "What is this?" "What?" "What's that?" "You were at Kabuchi, you don't recognize that?" "That, Sergeant Bilko, is an accurate reproduction of the north end of Kabuchi Island." "Oh, the north end." "Oh, please forgive me." "I..." "No wonder I didn't recognize it." "You see, I was at the sound end, where the battle took place." "The battle took place on the south end?" "!" "He's crazy!" "I have all the Army records right here!" "Here is where the key Battle of Kabuchi took place." "Well, excuse me, I just happened to be there at the time." "I ought to know what I'm talking about." "As a matter of fact, gentlemen, I prepared some brochures on my contribution to the battle." "Feel free to use my name whenever you want..." "Sampson, I thought you did thorough research on this!" "But he's crazy!" "The main battle took place at the north end of the island!" "Hold it, what's with this north end?" "You got a little real estate there you're pushing or something?" "I don't mind you making an extra buck, but let's stick to the facts!" "SAMPSON:" "I tell you, I-I checked every detail!" "If you checked every detail, how come no mention of Sergeant Ernest Bilko who only led the charge?" "Bilko!" "Ernest Bilko." "I knew that name was familiar." "I might add right here, that name was in many a dispatch, gentlemen." "Yes, indeed, you certainly were." "Major Kegler has a very interesting report." "Oh, that." "Pay no attention to this." "There was a lot of jealousy between the major and myself." "Gentlemen..." "Believe me." "Gentlemen, you're looking at the only American soldier who took a Japanese prisoner and tried to hold him for ransom." "Lies!" "All lies!" "All I did was try to show the general staff how to run the war at a small profit." "This is ridiculous!" "Come on, men, C.D. Chadwick is waiting." "Let's go!" "Wait, wait." "We've got to settle this." "The public don't mind if we throw in a love story and some songs, but if we stage the whole battle at the wrong end of this island," "the repercussions..." "But it's not the wrong end of the island!" "(Bilko barking orders) -(all arguing)" "What difference does it make, north end, south end?" "All you got to put in the scene with the burning tank where I rescue the men..." "Say, burning tank!" "That's good, raw stuff." "We could put Gloria Glow in the tank!" "Hold it, hold it." "(all talking)" "Will you, please?" "Would you mind?" "Would you hold that just a minute?" "What was that, Jule?" "I got the song." ""My Heart Is a Burned-Out Shell."" "May I say something?" "Jule Styne just did it again." "May I make an opinion?" "This boy's got another hit." ""My Heart Is a Burning Shell."" "That song'll be sung and hummed long before this picture's forgotten." "# My heart is a burned-out shell... #" "(all talking)" "What's going on here?" "!" "Hold it just a minute." "Mr. Chadwick wants to say a few words." "Go ahead, C.D." "(Bilko grunting)" "Thank you." "Benson, call the studio cops and throw this troublemaker off the lot." "Just a minute, C.D.," "I just made a few technical suggestions." "Out!" "This picture starts on schedule, whether you like it or not." "I understand." "I'll get your plane ticket." "Thank you." "Will you see the same reporters are there that were here to greet me when I arrived?" "Oh, never mind." "I took the liberty of taking their names." "They were very kind." "Wait." "Gave me their phone numbers." "Oh, this is the one I'm..." "Hedda Hopper-- that's the one I'll call." "Crestview Five..." "Oh, now, Bilko, Bilko, wait a minute." "What are you talking about?" "Well, I happened to give some definite statements about my confidence in C.D. Chadwick's burning desire for accuracy." "Now, Bilko, listen..." "Now, these reporters might be interested that you threw an American soldier-- a veteran of that battle-- off the lot." "I'll call Crestview Six, Five..." "C.D., if he gets to those reporters..." "But he's a troublemaker." "I saw it the moment he walked in here." "Yeah, and he can cause us plenty of trouble now." "He's an operator." "In one minute, he had us changing that picture." "Imagine what'll happen if he gets to those reporters!" "Think of your reputation, C.D." "Hokeypokey." "Hokey... (Chadwick gasps)" "Go get him." "Catch him before he gets to the airport." "Hurry up." "You're a reasonable man, C.D." "That's a man I admire." "A man that admits he's wrong earns my admiration." "Well, I-I was a bit hasty." "Now, don't do that." "Let me think of you as the big man you are." "Please don't crawl." "Who's crawling?" "!" "That's what I like-- a man that talks up to me." "A man that has..." "Look at that, and you'll see the name Strong Heart." "They refer to me once in a while as "Strong Heart" Bilko." "Sergeant Bilko, we loved all your suggestions, and just to prove it, Mr. Chadwick is going to send a wonderful letter to your commanding officer." "Listen, let's go down to the set, huh?" "On the set?" "!" "I'm sorry, Sergeant Bilko." "No outsiders are allowed on Mr. Chadwick's set." "That's the one rule I never break, once we get down there in the firing line." "I can understand." "Jimmie Fidler." "Well, let me see." "It was Hollywood Three..." "But of course you're going on the set." "Well..." "Mr. Chadwick meant no outsiders on the set." "After all, he's not an outsider, is he, C.D.?" "No." "He's just like one of the family." "Jule, why don't you take Sergeant Bilko out to lunch?" "Then when we're ready to roll, bring him onto the set." "Say, this is a lot of fun." "I'm finally gonna see them make a picture." "Gee, whiz." "This way, Sergeant." "Thank you, Jule." "Listen, I like that." "# My heart is a burned-out shell... #" "We'll work on it." "I'll show you how to fix the wording." "# My heart... #" "Benson, are you crazy?" "Letting that troublemaker down on the set?" "You know these Army people." "Why, we'll be making changes..." "Just one little change, C.D." "He's an operator." "Don't you get it?" "All he wants to do is see himself in that picture." "So?" "So we call one of the soldiers Bilko." "He hears his name, he sees himself." "This afternoon, he's headed back to his camp with stars in his eyes." "Sure, that bit player that brings Rory the ammunition." "We can call him Bilko." "That's all we need." "C.D., this guy can cause us a lot of trouble." "Okay." "No, honey." "I-I told you, that's the wrong scene." "I want scene one-- the ammunition scene." "But nobody told me." "Mr. Hennessy..." "Hey, George, will you get those lights up there, please?" "Let's go with that, huh?" "All right, bring that half-broad over here." "Ready, Bill?" "Check." "Cameras." "Speed." "Speed!" "Speed!" "Sticks." "Love in a Foxhole." "Scene one, take one." "Stand by." "Gee, this is gonna be a lot of..." "Shh!" "Shh!" "Action!" "(explosions, rapid gunfire)" "(explosion)" "This way, men!" "Let's get them!" "It's suicide, Sergeant, sir!" "Cut!" "Hold it!" "(whistle blows)" "Mr. Mundane, I don't believe I've had the pleasure." "How are you, sir?" "It's been a lot of fun meeting you..." "What's happened?" "Sergeant Bilko, you cannot interrupt this picture this way." "Just a minute." "Let me ask you." "Is he supposed to be Sergeant Skinner?" "Sure." "Why?" "What a lucky break for you I was here." "Break?" "Sergeant Skinner was a little guy, this tall." "He had no teeth, big ears." "Oh, you're luck..." "And he had a lisp." "What?" "Oh, I'll never forget that lisp." "Every time they ordered us into battle, he used to say," ""Let thomebody elth go." "I'm no thucker for..."" "What kind of part did you give me?" "Rory, this is a movie." "What do you mean, a movie?" "Let's be reasonable, ol' kid." "Skinner had no eyebrows, he had a squint in his eye, and an ugly mole on the right side of his cheek right..." "Oh." "I didn't see that." "Good casting." "All right, roll the picture." "(whistle blows)" "It's close." "All right, clear." "Where's my agent?" "I never liked this picture." "What's going on here?" "Uh, nothing, Mr. Chadwick." "Sergeant Bilko just pointed out that..." "Benson, didn't I tell you to throw him off the lot?" "Well, all right." "If I could just make one phone call." "Let me see." "Jimmie Fidler..." "That's..." "Uh, no, wait a minute, Sergeant." "Is this name Lou Lou Parsons or Louella?" "I get the number..." "I..." "Now don't be hasty, Sergeant." "C.D., he hasn't seen that sequence yet." "Well, it better be good." "All right, go ahead, Ben." "BEN:" "All right, let's roll it." "Now you come right over here with me, huh?" "(whistle blows)" "Let's go." "Don't make a fuss out of me." "I don't want to be in anybody's way." "You're not in anybody's way." "Just sit down." "I don't mind standing." "No, you better sit down." "You're liable to see something that'll knock you right off your feet." "Okay." "Okay, everybody, let's take it back where we were." ""It's suicide, Sergeant Skinner."" "Speed." "Speed." "Sticks." "Love in a Foxhole." "Scene One, take two." "Action!" "(rapid gunfire)" "It's suicide, Sergeant Skinner!" "We're out of ammunition!" "Out of ammunition?" "Sergeant Bilko!" "Ammunition!" "Ammunition, Sergeant Bilko!" "Coming." "Coming." "Here comes Sergeant Bilko." "BILKO:" "Hold it, cut!" "(whistle blows)" "Cut!" "Now what?" "May I ask you something?" "Who is this specimen supposed to be?" "That's you." "We thought if we put you in the picture..." "You thought." "Well, I hope you thought enough to have enough money to withstand a $100,000 libel suit." "That's all." "CHADWICK:" "Libel suit?" "A libel suit?" "!" "Yes, a libel suit." "He's supposed to be me, and that was 12 years ago." "I was quite handsome." "I had a full head of hair." "This horrible..." "No offense, buddy." "Throw him out!" "Now, C.D., this can be ironed out." "It'll only take a minute to recast him." "Recasting?" "Yeah, a little..." "Why don't you get Cary Grant?" "He'll be perfect for me." "He's..." "Stop!" "Will you throw this man out?" "Throw him out, too!" "Throw them both off the set!" "Throw everybody with glasses off the set!" "Mr. Chadwick, please." "The newspapers." "We'll give them our side, too." "Bilko, out!" "I'm sorry, Mr. Chadwick." "I have given you a lot of trouble, and I really am sorry." "If I could just have a picture taken with you as a memento, I'll be on my way." "BENSON:" "Of course." "Of course." "Still man!" "Oh, well, now, you're being reasonable." "I'll autograph it, too." "Oh, swell." "Hold that a minute." "Okay, take it." "Thank you." "What's that?" "This, Mr. Chadwick, is a battle ribbon given to us by a grateful nation for our contribution to the Battle of Kabuchi." "Oh." "I want you to have it." "Because this picture now makes this medal a thing of mockery." "Let me see now." "I'll have six of those pictures." "Where can I get Jimmy Star?" "Let me see..." "Now, wait a minute, Sergeant Bilko." "You..." "Destroy that film!" "Just keep that..." "C.D., I can get another actor in 15 minutes." "Oh." "We're over a barrel." "Break for 15 minutes!" "(whistle blows)" "ASSISTANT DIRECTOR:" "All right, everybody take 15." "Hey, Eddington, come here." "As long as we're breaking, have you looked at my brochure?" "I want you to put that scene in there where I single-handedly wipe out this Japanese machinegun nest with one gun." "I was fearless." "I charged in..." "Mr." "Eddington?" "They're back!" "General, have a heart." "We're a week behind schedule." "Everything is chaos!" "And it's all because of this Bilko you sent us." "Order him back." "We're begging you!" "Order him back!" "Now, look, Benson, he's on detached service to you." "It's up to you to tell him when he's through." "What are they doing to that poor GI?" "The way they kick soldiers around." "(overlapping chatter)" "Here's the 63'rd candidate for the part of Bilko." "It was easier to cast Gone With the Wind." "We've got to get this picture started!" "Sergeant Bilko?" "Wait a minute." "Wait a minute." "I got them on a soo-long." "Take it easy." "(Bilko muttering)" "That finishes it up, boys." "Sorry." "Better luck next time." "I'll meet you behind the bushes." "(men grumbling)" "Now, what is it?" "Sergeant, this is Bix Bently." "Is that him?" "How are you?" "Turn around." "How are you, son?" "All right, he's pretty good, but he isn't the type I want for me." "I want vibrancy, I want virility!" "I want a guy" " You sure you couldn't get Burt Lancaster?" "Lancaster." "Sergeant Bilko..." "What is this Sergeant Bilko?" "Call me E.B." "E.B., I know you don't want me to crawl, but I'm crawling now." "On my hands and knees, I'm begging you!" "Get this picture started!" "Get those cameras rolling!" "I've got Rory Mundane on the payroll, hundreds of extras, cameras waiting!" "All right." "I don't blame you for being mad." "I've never seen such lack of organization." "Why, I could start these cameras rolling in five minutes." "Five minutes?" "Little changes and..." "Well, anything, anything!" "All right." "On the set, everybody!" "(whistle blows)" "Mundane!" "Don't forget those changes I told you." "(chuckles) Takes an old sergeant to get things started, huh?" "Well, at last we're rolling." "I can't believe it." "Huh, huh, look alive." "This is my seat." "Look at names before you sit down, kid." "Now, over here." "Sit down." "Come on, we got to get moving." "All right, action!" "Speed!" "Speed!" "Sticks!" "Love In A Foxhole, scene one, take 66." "BILKO:" "All right, Mundane, don't forget those slight changes I told you about." "All right, stand by." "Action!" "(gunfire)" "All right, you guys, follow me!" "It's suicide, Sergeant Skinner!" "Skinner?" "!" "Come on!" "Shh." "We're out of ammunition!" "Come on!" "Bilko!" "Sergeant Bilko!" "Sergeant Bilko!" "Sergeant Bilko!" "Ammunition!" "Bilko!" "Here comes Bilko now!" "Here's the ammunition." "Stop!" "Cut!" "(whistle blows)" "I'm glad you cut that." "I'm glad you cut that scene." "I was gonna cut it myself." "What kind of acting" ""Here's the ammunition"?" "What is that?" "Quiet!" "Rory Mundane playing the bit part?" "!" "Oh, you don't understand." "What bit part?" "Wait till you see the changes I've made in here." "We're calling this picture off!" "Oh, now, don't be hasty, C.D." "Just a little rewriting..." "Ah, there's going to be some writing:" "a report to your commander." ""And this viper..." ""this disgrace to the American uniform," ""this ungrateful wretch whom you sent to us" ""as a representative of the United States Army" ""single-handedly has kept from the public the story of the great Battle of Kabuchi."" "Signed-- "Cecil D. Chadwick."" ""P.S." " Carbon copies have been sent to the Pentagon."" "The Pentagon." "Just after they found out our telephone number." "Gee whiz, Colonel." "I was just trying..." "Quiet!" "Shame on you, Bilko." "These people were trying to make a picture in tribute to you men." "(phone ringing)" "General Merritt?" "Put him on." "Bilko, give me your sergeant's stripes." "My stripes, sir?" "Yes." "I have a feeling I'll be wearing them." "Oh." "Sir, they can't blame you" "for something that I..." "Quiet!" "General Merritt." "Colonel Hall," "I just got Chadwick's letter saying that because of your Sergeant Bilko he canceled the picture." "(chuckles):" "Congratulations." "Here's what I want you to do." "What is that?" "Of course." "Yes, sir." "Bilko, they've just ordered me to give you a 30-day furlough." "30-day furlough?" "Yes, sir." "Yes, sir, he's right here." "General Merritt wants to talk to you personally." "Me?" "Yeah." "Hello, General Merritt." "This is Sergeant Bilko." "He-He called me Ernie." "Yes, General?" "Ernie?" "Bilko, you did something the whole Pentagon couldn't do." "How did you do it?" "Well, that's terribly nice of you, General, to take that attitude." "I was just trying to do my best." "Oh, I'd be glad to drop into Washington and have a talk with you, sir." "I must say, you're being terribly democratic." "Oh, yes, General." "Yes, that's very-- chair, chair, chair!" "Yes, sir." "That's very nice of you." "Yes..." "Thank you." "ANNOUNCER:" "Benson was played by Ralph Stantley," "Cecil D. Chadwick by Howard Smith." "Jule Styne played himself."