"[birds chirping, Pete coughing]" "Pete?" "[groans]" " I think I'm sick." " Did you sleep in here all night?" "I didn't want to get you sick." "Plus, I needed to be near a toilet." " And now we're married." " What time is it?" "[sighs]" "I have to chaperone Warren's field trip." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." "[coughs]" "Yep." "Fever." "You're not going anywhere." "You could wipe out an entire class of sophomores." "Nobody cares about sophomores." "No, get back in your germ tub, all right?" "[groans] You're staying here." "I'll go on the field trip." " Thank you." " Of course." "Oh, one more thing ..." "Diane is also chaperoning." " Are you smiling?" " Uh, what?" " Did you just smile?" " Well, maybe a little." "[chuckling] Oh." "I-I ..." "I've been wanting to get out of it for weeks." "I just didn't know how until to..." "What are you doing?" "Are you calling a doctor?" "No, uh, a healer." "Hi." "Jackie, it's Kate." " No." " Listen, Pete's not feeling very well today." " Could you come by and check on him?" " No." "No. [groans] I'm sorry I smiled." "I take the smile back." "Come on." "Oh, of course you can put leaves in our juicer." "Bye." "[telephone beeps]" "I see your Diane, and I raise you a Jackie." "Can someone come in and kill me?" "1x09 - "Russ Bradley Morrison"" "You excited about the field trip?" "[chuckles] Yeah, it's fake school." "And I saved up all my allowance for the gift shop." "What do you want to buy at the gift shop?" "Aw, gee, I don't know, Kate." "Oh, how about a whistle that makes you sound like a frog?" "Ahh." "Are you excited?" "Yeah, I get to yell at kids and hang out with your mom... for eight hours... in a museum." "You're worried about her making you feel stupid, aren't you?" "Oh." "Well, thanks, Warren." "I hadn't thought of that angle." "Sometimes I just wish she were a little... nicer to me." " Maybe she needs to get some." " Warren!" "[gasps] [tires screech] [horns honk] [sighs] That's a great idea." "But you shouldn't be saying that." "Oh, look, Kate, we're both adults here, and I think it's common knowledge that when people get some, they relax." "Yeah." "I know." "I'm just surprised to hear you talk about your Mom having sex." "That's what "get some" means?" "What'd you think it meant?" "I don't know ... get some chips, a blanket, whatever makes you happy." "you know, "get some..." fill in the blank." "Warren, it means "sex," and that's okay." "You know, when ..." "when people are getting it on the regular, they chill out." "And frankly, your idea's a good one." " Your Mom needs to get some..." " Sex." " Exactly." " She needs to get some sex..." " All right. [clears throat] - ...with another man." "Hey, everything okay, Bertie?" " Can you sign Dad's signature?" " Now, that depends." "Is it for a field trip or because you're in trouble?" " Trouble." " Then no." " Then field trip." " [sighing] Okay, what did you do?" ""Bert has had to sit out of recess two days in a row for interrupting class with excessive silliness."" " What were you doing?" " Nothing." "Just reading quietly, sometimes a little dancing, a few Bertwheels." "Bertwheels?" "They're like cartwheels but with screaming." "Ms. Wickersham's your teacher, right?" " Yeah." " She was my teacher. [chuckles]" "She adores me." "Your big sister's gonna hook you up." "Yay!" "[screaming]" " What are you doing?" " Bertwheels!" "[continues screaming]" "Whoa." "Look who hit the wall real hard." "Wow, I'm glad I sold high." "[sniffs] Ohh." "Ew." "Okay." " Perfect." " I am not drinking that." "Okay." "So, here's the deal." "Cool?" "This is gonna go in you, one hole or another." "I choose mouth." " If I drink this, you'll leave?" " Uh, yeah." "Mm." "More." "More." "More." "[gulping]" "Mm." "Bye-bye." "I have to stay and check your pupils in an hour ... make sure I used the right kind of mushroom." " Right kind of mushroom?" " Yeah." " Give me that." " No talking." "Okay?" "'Cause you need to rest." "[indistinct talking]" "Diane:" "They crossed the land bridge, and they came and settled here." "So you've got 5 minutes to go look at the Mongolian structure, okay?" " Hi, Diane." "So ..." " Kate, good." "This is what I need ..." ""A" kids should be coming out of the hall of birds right now." "Then we'll send half of them up to the whales and the other half down to the Asian tapestries, okay?" " Okay. [chuckles]" " Good." " So, how was your weekend?" " Anyway, I just went to the bathroom, so now's a good time for you to go." "Then we will round up group "B," check the work sheets, make sure they're not cheating," " and I will eavesdrop on group "C"." " Eavesdrop?" "Yes, Kate, 90% of chaperoning is prevention." "Jacob wanted to feel up... a dinosaur." "My eavesdropping prevented that, and now he is going home on the early bus." " Speaking of feeling up ..." " Shh." "Teenagers." "Eavesdropping." "Oh, hey, Diane." "Look at those two lovebirds, huh?" "Even all those hundreds of... thousands of... so long ago, love conquered all." "You know?" "I mean, look..." "look at her face." "She's so happy and satisfied and ..." " Kate." " Yeah?" "Go to the bathroom." "[cellphone rings]" " Phone." " Group "C." [whistles]" " Hi, sweetie." " Hey, it's me." "I'm on the house phone." "I don't have a lot of time." "I'm ..." "I'm really in trouble here." "I need you to come home and get Jackie ..." " [click] Kate?" " Pete?" "Kate?" "Hello?" "What did I say about not talking to anybody?" " I was just calling Kate." " Well, don't do it again, 'cause you need your rest, silly." "Hmm?" "[humming sound] [door hinges creak] [lock clicks loud] [gasps]" " What is a herbivore?" " Kate:" "Hey." "Warren." " Oh, we ... we were working in groups." " Here." "Go wrap this up." " Thanks, man." " Okay, listen." "How good are you at matchmaking?" " Who are we making match?" " Your mom." " My mom?" " Yeah." "You cool with this?" "[chuckles] Yeah, sure." "It'll kill some hours before we go to the gift shop." "Man:" "Thank you for playing with us." "Look at this." "TV." "An electronic book?" "Ugh." "Don't you realize all this modern crap is the reason that you're sick to begin with?" "Or maybe it's because my secretary sneezed in my eye." "Oh, yeah." "You rat-racers with your 80-hour work weeks." "Look at me ..." "I work 5 hours a week, and I've never been sick." "Jackie, I really think you should go." "I don't want to get you sick." "Oh, did you not hear what I said?" "[coughs]" "I said I have never been sick." "Ugh." "You know what you need?" "[groans] You need a nice tight swaddle." "No, please." "Don't swaddle." "I want to move." " There we go. [grunts]" " Jackie." " Back to the womb for you." " [strained] Jackie." "Oh, there has got to be something in the water here, 'cause, Ms. Wickersham, you have not aged a day." "It's so nice to see you." "What are you doing here?" "Oh, you know, just walking my little brother to school." "I'm her brother from another mother... and father." "My sister told me how much you love cupcakes," " so we made you some." " Yes, and from scratch. [chuckles]" " No biggie." " Very thoughtful." "Warren:" "Kate." "This is Leigh." "He loves travel, Japanese culture, and Ayn Rand." "He's kind of the perfect man for my Mom." " I am not a man." " Yeah." "Sorry." "Bummer." "I mean, she was perfect." "Sarah, Seth, Stuart, you're a table." "Tara, Tracey, Victor, you're a table." "But I want to sit with Madison and Alexa." "You have no leverage here." "Sit down." " Walk, please." " Walk, please." "[clears throat]" "Hi." "I'm Kate." "Also a chaperone." "Oh." "Russ Bradley Morrison." "Oh." "Brady Ross Morrison's father?" " Yeah." " Wow." "Well, don't let me keep you from your... sssandwich?" "Nope, that's just two pieces of bread and ketchup." "May I join you?" "I think it's more efficient if the chaperones spread out, don't you?" "Yeah, totally." "So, Russ, what do you do for a living?" " M and A." " Mixed martial arts?" " Mergers and acquisitions." " Wow." "Also cool. [chuckles]" "And does that leave time for any hobbies?" " I row." " Great." "Wow." "Cool." "And, uh ... and does your wife row ... row?" "I'm divorced." "My ex-wife thought I was too high-achieving and intense." "[chuckles]" "That's perfect." "Hmm." "Yes!" "[sighs]" "Sorry, looks like we're going in a different direction." "This is Oscar, our Colombian mammoth." "Wouldn't want to run into one of these guys in a dark alley." " He might eat you." " Highly doubtful." "Uh, Colombian mammoths were herbivores that consumed up to 300 pounds of vegetation a day." " Well, I'll definitely check on that." " Okay." "You go check." "[clears throat] Hey, Diane." " Hmm?" " Sorry to interrupt your eavesdropping." " Get this." " Mm-hmm." " So, I'm chaperoning my brains out, okay?" " Oh." "And I meet this other parent who seems like a really great guy." "Cute and single." " Do you know Russ Bradley Morrison?" " No, and I don't want to." " Really?" " Mm-hmm." "'Cause I feel like you two would really hit it off." "Ohh, Kate." "Is all the world a sex club to you?" "Go pimp someone else, please." "[sighs]" "How did you escape, little boo?" "I'm going to the Doctor. [coughs]" "No, no." "You are in no condition to drive ... not after what I put in your system." "You said the smoothie was all herbal." "It was, but I put an assload of codeine in your tea." "That's ridiculous." "I'm going." "Whoa!" "[grunts]" "I'm okay." "Totally fine." "[groans] [sighs]" " Oh." " Get back in bed." "[sighs] [grunts]" " Bert, here's your quiz." " Thank you, and may I say you look" " as old as you did this morning?" " Thank you." "Would you like some more homemade cupcakes?" "Or half my sandwich from lunch ..." "it's cream cheese and jelly." "Bert, are you doing all this 'cause you don't want me to keep you out of recess again?" "Yes, Hillary told me to." "And you're smart, and your eyes sparkle like the ocean." "All you have to do to get recess back is control body and keep the Bertwheels outside." "You don't have to be such a suck-up." " What's a suck-up?" " Your sister." "I shouldn't have said that." "This conversation never happened." "What conversation?" "What?" "She actually said that?" "Yeah, but this conversation never happened." "[sighs]" "She called me a suck-up?" "[sighs]" "Where are you going?" "I am going to give Ms. Wickersham a piece of my mind... and bring her this apple." "[clears throat]" " Hey, Diane." " Oh." "Uh, me and Warren were gonna go roam around." "You should come with." "And give up my place in line for the orchid pavilion?" "[chuckles]" "Thanks for the comedy entertainment, Kate." "The orchid pavilion?" "Oh, it is the centerpiece of this museum, and they only let in a few people at a time to maximize the tranquil beauty." " Okay." " Mm." "Go." "Back of the line." "Go ahead." "[whispers] Warren, we have got to get your mom and Russ" "Bradley Morrison into the orchid pavilion together." " Okay." " Bow-chicka-bow-bow." " Chicka-chicka-boom." " Ooh, yeah!" " What are we ... singing?" " Never mind." "Just ... where's our man?" "Oh, right there." "Oh, no." "They'll never get in at the same time." "Oh, uh, I'm way ahead of you." "Watch me crank up the rumor mill." "Hey, guys." "Guys." "There's gonna be a fight in the pleistocene room." "Pass it on." "Hey, guys." "There's gonna be a fight in the pleistocene room." "Pleistocene room." "Let's go." "Come on." "Let's go." "Fight." "Fight." "Fight." "Yeah." "Boy:" "Come on." "Come on." "Let's go." "Get on it." "[indistinct conversations]" "Thank you." "Kate:" "Oh." "[clears throat]" " Thank you." " Enjoy the exhibit." "[indistinct distorted voices]" "[Pete panting]" "Help." "[door hinges creak]" "[distorted applause]" " [distorted] A man." " [distorted] How are you out of bed?" "[normal voice] There was enough codeine in that tea to knock a bear out." "Who are these people?" "What are they doing in my house?" "There's no people." "That's a hallucination." "So, go back to sleep." " Sleep." " Sl..." "I command it." "Sleep." "[insects chirping, water running]" "Mm." "Kate:" "That's right, Russ Bradley Morrison." "You know you like what you see." "Russ:" "In the middle ages, orchids were considered an aphrodisiac, but the only thing turning me on in this room are the curves of your pantsuit." "Kiss me like you did at the Indian Heritage Museum." "Behind the Potawatomi lodge?" "[chuckles]" "Mm. [chuckles]" "Oh, my god!" "Diane: [gasps]" "Wh... what's going on?" " You know him!" " Uh, no." "No." "I don't." "Here we go again." "Unbelievable." "She does know me." "She knows me very well." "She's been to my condo... because we've been seeing each other for two years." "Ugh." "I am not a cheap museum booty call." "I'm a man, Diane." "[sighs]" " Russ Bradley." " It's over." "Oh, I'm sorry." "We only open this door every 10 minutes to provide the proper, uh, humidity for the orchids." "So you've got 6 minutes." "Well, I don't know about you, but I sure learned a ton about orchids today." "How dare you meddle in my personal affairs?" "Diane, I was just trying to help." "I mean, I thought you'd get along with him, which apparently you did... for two years!" "I mean, can we just acknowledge here ..." "I nailed it." "Do they not teach tact in trade school?" "You just destroyed my relationship, Kate." "What were you thinking?" " Diane, I ..." " No, no, no, no, no." "I really want to know." "I want to understand and study you the way I would study a caveman." "Oh." "Well, to be totally honest, I just thought that if you were getting some... companionship, that maybe you would be nicer to me." "I see." "If I got laid, I might relax." "Well, not in those words." "We might be friends, even, if I just got a little roll in the hay on a regular basis." " Definitely not in those words." " Oh, god." "Why would you keep your relationship a secret?" "I mean, it's not like you're running for office. [gasps]" "Oh, my god, are you running for office?" "Let me spell something out for you, Kate." "I succeed at everything I do." "I had one failure ... my marriage." "I kept this relationship private because... it's my business." " Ohh, I get it." " Mm-hmm." "And maybe if it didn't work out, no one would have to know that you failed." "When I want to know how much milk to put in a latte," "I'll ask you, and until then, dear, no advice, please." "I was never a barista." "Never a barista." "Don't even like coffee." "What the hell is a goals group?" "G.O.A.L.S. ..." ""goal-oriented adult lady entrepreneurs-s-s" ..." "G.O.A.L.S." "We're basically a business support group of women of a certain age who haven't yet gone through menopause." "See, we help each other achieve our goals through encouragement and repetition and repetition." " Do any of you people have jobs?" " We have goals." "My goal was to finish what I started." "So, when I agreed to take care of you and nurse you back to health," "I didn't let anything get in my way." "You didn't nurse me back to health." "I'm sicker than I was before." "Oh, you're right, Jackie." "He's really negative." " I mean..." " Uh, nobody ... nobody asked you." "Jackie, y-y-you trapped me in my bed." "You cut me off from the outside world." "You drugged me." "Th-this is like the plot of "misery."" "You know what?" "I think you're being a little dramatic, because what I did ... what Jackie did is rearranged her entire schedule, okay?" "And I'd like a little bit of gratitude." "Goals." "Together:" "Goals." "Goals." "Goals." "Goals." "Goals." "Goals?" "You know what?" "You ... you want to know my goal?" "I want all of you out of my house in 10 seconds," " or I'm gonna sneeze, scratch, cough..." " Woman:" "Ew." "Ugh." "...wheeze, and lick every one of you." "All:" "Ugh." "I'm changing the locks, filling in the crawl space," " and boarding up the dog door." " Well, that... [door slams] ...won't help!" "Hillary:" "This will only take a minute, Nancy." "At first, I was offended that you called me a suck-up, but on the ride over here, I realized something." "What you call a "suck-up" I call a "go-getter."" "So I am going to keep go-getting, because it is going to go-get me places." "First, it's going to go-get me into college, and then it's going to go-get me into law school, and finally, it's going to go-get me a job clerking for supreme court justice Sonia Sotomayor," "so suck up on that!" "[sighs]" "By the way, this is for you." "It's organic." "Kate:" "So, your mom's mad, and it's kind of my fault." "And I really wish I could talk to her, but she won't listen." "[sighs] That bites." "Can I get some money for some astronaut ice cream?" "Come here." " Why?" " Shh." "[clears throat] [clears throat]" "Warren, I know what you're afraid of." " Scissors." " Failure." "Mm." "Don't let trying to be perfect get in the way of you being happy." "I mean, sure, you can play it safe and never put yourself out there, but all that really is, is you just being afraid, you know?" "Everything great that's ever happened in my life has been because I've been willing to fall on my face." "You're right." "You know what?" "From now on, I'm not gonna focus so much on being so perfect." "You're welcome." "Go play." "Man:" "Excuse me?" "And now today's planetarium show, entitled "Math:" "The building block of space."" "[girl applauds]" "Diane:" "Excuse me?" "Um, before we begin, uh, there is something I'd like to say." "[clears throat]" "Do you see that man?" "I know that man." "I know him and have talked to him." "And..." "I enjoy talking to him." "And I hope to talk to him again sometime in the future." "Thank you." "Boy:" "I don't know." "[indistinct conversations]" "That was beautiful." "You did great." " [clears throat] What?" " Thank you for your help..." "Warren." "Huh?" " I want you." " Take me." "Ew." "Hmm, hmm, hmm." "Hmm, hmm, hmm." " What?" " [chuckles] It's official." " There's no life on Mars." " When will they ever learn?" "I could have told them that years ago." "[chuckles] Duh." "[both laughing]" "[both sigh]"