"Moving on," "I received an entry form for the Best Kept Village competition any thoughts?" "Yes." "Tear it up." "Pardon?" "Months of effort for what?" "Some pointless piece of paper saying," ""Dibley" " Best Kept Village"" "No, no, no, no." "It's not just a piece of paper, it's a title." "A trophy." "It's a cheque ..for £240,000 presented by the Duchess of Kent." "No." "That's Wimbledon, Jim." "Yes." "That is Wimbledon." "Actually I have to agree with Owen on this David," "I think our feelings towards last year competition is very simular to Prins Andrew feelings towards verdict," "You know, something we wish we never enter." "Oh.., Come on!" "We did all right!" "?" "." "We came 54th... out of 54!" "Is that right?" "Remember Denfield?" "Well, how could one forget those poor people?" "Yes.., who'd have believed that a lorry-loadof BSE-infected toxic waste, would crash into a nuclear fuel tanker causing a crater 200ft wide and the evacuation of the village." "And they came 53rd." "Point taken." "Let's forget it." "Item five, Frank, you wanted to say something?" "Yes, I do." "No, I don't." "Gripping stuff." "Vicar?" "Yes.., Next month, St Barnabas' will be 650 years old" "exactly the same age as Esther Rantzen." "And, to celebrate, I've got a licence for one week, to set up our very own, local radio station." "Bravo, Mrs God." "It's a chance to drag people away from television for a week." "Sex, sex, sex - that's all that's on TV these days." "Is it?" "It is on mine." "I watch the Playboy channel." "I think I'm losing the will to live." "Well, I'll give you all a week to think up programming ideas." "But I warn you.., I'm streets ahead." "Listen to this." "#Nothing could be hotter nothing could be slicker#" "#Lock up your sons and dotter couse here comes the vicar!" "#" "It's a work in progress, obviously." "Very exciting news about Radio Dibley!" "Yes, it is, isn't it?" "I'm thinking of being a shock jock." "Hi everyone." "This is bloody well Radio Dibley!" "If you just give me a minute Alice," "I've got to finish off this crucial sentence here." "Oh, I love your sermons." "Thanks." "They're so clever and...holy." "Let's have a peek." "...No." "No!" "No!" "No!" ""I love Curly Wurlies because..."" "Well.., mm.., look, the only reason I'm doing that is because apparently the runner-up gets a year's supply of chocolate, which she'd share with her parishioners, obviously." "I got to finish this sentence in under ten words." "Oh." "That's easy." "I've got it." "Have you?" "Yeah, yea." "Em.., "I love Curly Wurlies because..." ""they're very, very, ..very nice."" "Yeah..." "I was working on something a bit less predictable than that." "Okay, I've got it." "Um...re..da...ye." ""..they're very, very, very nice" ""with sausages."" "Yeah." "That's perfect!" "Yeah, that's it, Thats the one." "Yea.., do you mind, Can I write it in later?" "Ok." "So tell me.., how are things going with Hugo, you juicy, young bride-to-be, you?" "They're lovely." "But I'm a bit gloomy about his dad though." "He thinks I've got the intellectual capacity of a prawn sandwich." "When did he say that?" "!" "Just after he said my only value in life was as an organ donor." "Right." "Maybe I can find a way to show him that beneath this simple exterior lies the razor-sharp intellect of an Andrew Einstein..." "Albert!" "..Albert Einstein." "Item three, Vicar." "Er...yes." "I thought you'd like to see a copy of our radio schedule." "Sorry about the ideas I didn't have room for." "For instance, Frank" " Desert Island Desks!" "Well., it would be just like Desert Island Discs, but I'd choose the eight desks I've most enjoyed sitting at!" "So Frank won't be broadcasting at all?" ".." "Splendid!" "Yes, I will." "I'm doing a talk show " ""An Hour Of Frank Talking"." "That's me, you understand?" "Not someone called Frank Talking." "That would be "An Hour Of Frank Talking Talking"." "Y-yeah.., Don't peak too soon, Frank." "And the next night is The Moral Maze with Jim Trott." "What's your subject Jim?" "Is sex with poodles ALWAYS wrong?" "I see." "And you've found someone to speak on both sides of that argument?" "He certainly has." "Oh." "Oh, oh, look!" "This sounds good." ""David Horton In Conversation"." "It should give the week some gravitas David." "Councillor David Horton, MBE, talks about his life and work in conversation with Alice Tinker." "What!" "?" "Oh..." "She was desperate to be involved." "Then nail her feet to the floor and use her as a mike stand!" "No offence to anyone present, but that girl is the most pointless thing ever put on the planet, with the possible exception of the Pope's testicles department." "Aah!" "Well.., moving on." "I thought we could finish the week with a bang and have the village quiz." "I know, I know, David has won it for the last few years." "The last 27 years." "The last 27 years!" "But I'm sure we can find him a worthy opponent." "Yes.." "I've learnt every single answer from last year's contest, so..." "this year I can get them right!" "And what about if the questions are different Jim?" "Oh...sod it!" "So I'm sure some genius will emerge." "And to add more excitement," "I've added a prize for Best Broadcaster of the Week." "Hurrah!" "...." "What's the prize?" "A think of book token's always... ..boring and unwelcome isn't it, so it CERTAINLY won't be that!" "It'll be seriously sensational." "It's perfectly simple!" "All I got to do is to find a prize everyone in the village would die for ...in this box... of total rubbish." "I love it!" "O-oh!" "Oh, this takes me back." "Are they gospel singers?" "No.." "I see your thinking, but no." "A boy called Peter gave me this." "Look., "From Peter Rabbit to his Flopsy Bunny"." "Aah! "Thank you for letting me fill your burrow"." "Yeah." "Right." "How sweet!" "Yeah." "Alice." "Hmm." "I got to have a little talk about your interview with Mr Horton." "I've been working really hard on some really probing questions." "Right..." "Yes, look." "Right. "Councillor David Horton of Dibley, sir."" ""If you could meet any character from fiction, which Womble would it be?"" "That's fabulous." "Isn't it..?" "Yeah." "Will you answer that Alice?" "I got to find something befor the meeting." "Hiya, Am.., This isn't the vicar speaking so I can't help you at all." "Oh I see." "Yea, yea, I'll tell her." "Hold on." "Am.., It's the people from that Curly Wurly competition." "You didn't win the chocolates." ".." "That's just my luck." "I knew mentioning orgasms was a mistake!" "You.., you won their first prize... a holiday to Disneyland, Paris!" "Don't be stupid, Alice!" "Hello, Geraldine Grainger here." "I won their first prize!" "A holiday to Disneyland, Paris." "You haven't!" "I have." "Thank you very much." "Cheers, mate." "Right..." "Price for the best broadcast." "Any luck Vicar, or can we asume this idea is another defunct duck." "Mm.. probably yea.., I meen, all I manage to get, is two tickets for a luxury weekend in Disneyland Paris, with £500 spending money" "Thank you.," "Thank you.." "Not bad..." "So we have a Price, Hallelujah...." "Moving on., item 7" "No, stop item 7," "I'm going to practice my microphone technique." "Me too..." "Right., we got 1 minute togo, let me just check everybody knows what they doing, Owen you are...?" "The sound man, man..." "Right..." "And Alice, you're..." "Alice." "Doing what?" "..I'm just kneeling here." "You're manning the phones, ..yes?" "And you two are..." "We're your posse .." "Yes." "What does it mean if the red light's on?" "You're a prostitute." "We're on air." "What!" "Bloody hell!" "What are you doing?" "!" "You said we're on air." "Not now!" "Now!" "Three, two, one..." "It's the first time I've noticed it, but the vicar's got a very nice arse!" "Shh!" "Hello.. and welcome to Radio Dibley." "I'm Geraldine Grainger, and I'm inviting you..." "I'm sorry about that, Vicar." "All right." "I didn't mean to mention your arse on the radio." "All right.." "Thank you." "Let's kick off with the phone-in." "You have your chance to tell me..." "When d'you want the jingle?" "Well you missed it already!" "Bugger!" "Your chance to ring in with your memories of Dibley." "Bugger!" "Bugger!" "Bugger!" "Bugger!" "Bug..." "So please, ring in on 5216." "Share with us your magical memories." "Wah!" "Memories of some of the big events that have happened in Dibley." "It doesn't even have to be interesting, frankly." "Um..." "P'raps.., I don't know, the first time you saw a dog!" "Or any recent tummy-aches." "I've just..." "Not you!" "We're eager to share them with you." "So please do..." "Yes, yes, yes." "Thank you, God." "We have a caller on line one." "Hello, caller." "'Vicar, is that you?" "'" "It is indeed." "Is that David Horton, local councillor, chairman of the parish?" "You know bloody well who it is." "I'm ringing about this interview tomorrow." "David, I should warn you, we are on..." "'I'm cancelling.," "I'm sorry.'" "I don't want that Alice moron asking me damn fool questions.' ...David.." "It's no good saying you'll get someone else, couse frankly, they're all zombies " "Frank, Newitt, Jim" " I got sheep that would do a more probing interview." "They're idiots to a man." "Have to cancel." "Talk to you later." "David., just before you go, just between you and me, how are your haemorrhoids?" "Well...." "'Terrible, if you must know.'" "Aah." "Really painful, very embarrassing?" "Little bit like a bunch of grapes hanging out of your bottom?" "'Yes." "Well.." "It is, actually.'" "My lavatory hasn't known what hit it in the last few weeks." "Aah..." "Well., thank you, David "Haemorrhoid" Horton for sharing that with us live on the Dibley Radio phone-in." "Anything else you'd like to add?" "And this is Rory Bremner now., using my real voice." "I bet I had you all fooled, eh?" "Ha, ha, ha, ha..." ""Zombies"!" "He's got a nerve." "No, no, no, no!" "That's right." "I'm not gonna watch his show any more." "Nor me!" "Bloody Bremner!" "This is Hugo 'hot dog' Horton playing your requests from my collection" "The next up, this is Laura of Sunny wiew farm." "Saying" "Please play something to chear up my husband." "He's not being well, but it looks like the new pills are now taking effect." "Well.., now, that is wonderful to hear" "And here is a favorite of mine from last year" "It's the Verve, and there hit, 'Drugs don't work'" "#It's Hugo Horton, with music that's important#" "Heh!" "Hey, what's the matter?" "Well.., I can't believe my future father-in-law described me as a moron to the whole village." "Oh, that!" "Don't..." "Don't worry about that!" "To lots of people "moron" is a friendly word, like, "How are you, me old moron?" "!"" "It can be very affectionate." "You know, like, "I love you, you little moron."" "Be that as it may, I'm determined to prove him wrong." "I've hatched a plan." "I won't raise my hopes too high." "I'll take him on at the quiz." "You are funny!" "That's what I love about you, that naughty, scampy impish sense of humour." "You're serious, ..aren't you?" "Ohh.., you agree with David, you think I'm a moron too" "No!" "No!" "No, no, no, no, no, no, no!" "No!" "No?" "No." "I think it's a ...very good idea." "Ask me a question, any question you like." "Er.., right, ..what's the capital of France?" "Er... "F"" "Eh?" "The beginning of France is a capital letter and it's "F"." "I smell victory." "Yes!" "Almost time for me to go now." "But first, a request from Mr Brown of The Chestnuts, who says he's lost his wife." "Bit careless of you, Mr Brown!" "Oh..." "I see." "Anyway.., he says he'd like Joan Sutherland singing "Ave Maria" - it always moves him to tears." "But I haven't got that, so here's a saucy little number that always gets my eyes watering." "It's by Louise and she's..."Naked"." "Hugo.., look, you got to have a word with your father, he's being really, really horrid to Alice." "I know, but what can I do?" "He's got a bee in his bonnet." "Every time I mention her he says," ""You know as well as I do" ""Alice is as thick as two short planks, glued together with stupid glue." ""It's less activity in her brain than in Cliff Richard's pants."" "Oh, no!" "Big, big, big disaster!" "Huge!" "I'd better follow her." "Can you take over?" "I could go off you!" "As the song says, "Things can only get better."" "Hello, it's the Frank Pickle Hour." "Spoke too soon." "Father, can I have a word?" "I'm in a bit of a rotten state and I need to talk." "Of course you can, Hugo." "If you can't talk to your father, who can you talk to?" "Only be quick, I've got a lot to do." "Well..." "I'll have to hurry you." "I-I-It's about Alice." "I've had enough." "Haven't we all?" "!" "She's monstrous!" "I-I-I mean I've had enough of you getting at her." "I know she's not academic..." "Academic!" "Last week she asked why they need a Foreign Secretary in the cabinet when so many English girls can do shorthand." "Yes, but you know she's very good on things she knows about, like the Church and Jesus." "Oh.." "Yes..." "she knows all about Jesus." "Last week she told me she's got all his records." "Really?" "She says he's one of The Carpenters." "There IS more to life than being clever." "There's being good and true and loving." "I don't deny it, and I have fully accepted that you will marry her." "But don't expect me ever to concede that she is anything but a genetic throwback who belongs in a pond with her fellow tadpoles." "Now, if you will excuse me..." "Come on!" "Let's listen to the radio." "That'll cheer us up." "'Coming up soon - the Frank Pickle Hour.'" "Spoke too soon." "Right..." "You're on in 50 seconds, Frank." "I need to hear a little bit for level." "What did you have for breakfast?" "Toast!" "Yea..." "I need a little bit more than that." "So, just make something up, you know.., let your imagination run wild." "Wild..." "Great." "Two pieces of toast." "Right." "Perfect." "You're on." "God bless us all." "Hello." "I'm Frank Pickle." "And I'll be here... for the next hour." "Or maybe a little longer, in fact, because I have to put my coat on afterwards and say goodbye to the vicar, which should take a few minutes." "Anyway, I'll be with you... for...quite some time." "So I'll start... by telling you something I think you'll find... very interesting." "I first discovered I was gay..." "..when I was 18... and I fell in love with a young farm hand called Justin." "He was beautiful." "I've been trying to tell you, dear friends, for 20 years, but it's tricky." "That's the lovely thing about radio." "Speaking into this microphone, here, alone tonight," "I can say things" "I could never say to you face to face." "I'm sure they'll understand, Frank." "I mean, Owen always goes on about Julian Clary." "He said he should be strung up by his privates and shot." "Ye-es, but in an affectionate way." "Now, be brave." "Evening, Owen." "Evening, Vicar." "Hello, Frank." "Helluva show last night." "Brilliant." "Most enlightening, Frank." "Thank you." "Thank you." "You're such dear friends." "Excuse me a moment." "I need a minute to gather myself." "Well, you've made an old man very happy." "I'm proud of you guys." "...I really am." "I thought we better say something." "Didn't want him worrying all evening." "No..." "One thing, a little detail." "Did anyone hear his show?" "Good God, no!" "Certainly not!" "Must be joking!" "No way, Jose!" "Thought not." "Let's get on." "...Frank!" "Well..., yes." "Any matters before business?" "Yes, I like to congratulate the Vicar on this week," "Radio Dibley brought the hole village together and I think its down to her." "Oh., Thank you Owen." "Yea, yea..," "I couldn't wish the price of a trip to Disney Land to be awarded by a more vise and wonderful Lady." "Ahh..." "Penny dropping now.." "Yes.., not only a very vise and beutiful Lady but also a very sexy lady." "And I like her to except this small token of my appreciation" "And I like her, to except this much bigger token of MY appreciation." "Gentlemen, gentlemen....." "I like you to accept this also as a token...." "Yes, look.., I hope that you dont think that gifts like this, is going to sway me..." "No..." "well, how about this, very large box of fresh cream Belgian truffles?" "Ohh-wa, well.." "I-I cant deny Owen, that your "abort onbord bying flease"" "was brodcasting on the very highest sta.." "What am I talking about?" "It was oral tripe." "No I'm sorry everybody, I'm just gonna have to be compleatly onest about this.." "Well I'v have these back then..." "Jim..?" "No no no no," "Oh..., thank's." "They were past there "sell buy" date anyway..." "October 53...." "I appulous your prisipals Vicar." "Well I'm just glad you weren't temted to join in David." "Oh, no.." "Some of us have integrity.." "So., we take this home again then Pa..?" "He, he, he, he...." "Well Vicar.., see you at tomorrow's quiz." "Yes." "Now David, as you know," "Alice Tinker is your challenger." "And you will be gentle?" "!" "Oh., I'd absolutley love to be, but your forgeting the Horton motto, which I'm afraid I must abide by." "Which is?" "Veni, vidi, spurius brutus detruncavi." "Which means?" "I came, I saw, I tore the thick bastards limb from limb." "Right." "I see." "It's war..." "And how's Alice in Dunderland?" "Ready to take me on?" "Absolutely." "Fear not, my little moron." "Three, two, one." "You're on." "Hello.. and welcome to our final, special programme" " Brain Of Dibley -." "#Tune into Dibley radio For fun with the holy lady-o.#" "Our contestants are the reigning champion, Councillor David Horton," "MBE, MA, FRCS." "And the challenger, Alice Tinker," "GCSE, PMT, TTFN." "And tonight's quiz, has a local.. flavour." "So.., let's kick off." "And., fingers on the buttons." "That's the button on the table, .." "Alice." "H-hmm." "Question One for ten points." "Who lives in Dibley Manor House?" "I do." "Ooh!" "Sorry, David., hadn't quite finished the question there." "Five-point penalty." "...." "Hugo." "So that's over to Alice now." "Who lives in Dibley Manor House WITH David Horton?" "Hugo Horton." "Correct!" "And Question Two." "Which famous singer once opened the Dibley Fete?" "Kylie Minogue." "Ooo.., Sorry, David." "It's a two-part question." "Another five-point penalty, ..I'm afraid, there, ..for you." "So, Alice, which famous singer opened the Dibley Fete" "AND which Dibley resident is her biggest fan?" "It's Kylie Minogue." "Mmm." "And Hugo Horton." "Ye-es!" "Well.., this is surprising." "I thought you'd be doing better, ..." "David." "Had you heard that your haemorrhoids aren't affecting your performance, Councillor?" "And now...., questions about the Tinker family." "Oh, my God!" "For ten points, which Tinker was commonly known as .." "Donkey-Bonker?" "And so to our final scores tonight." "Councillor David Horton has clawed his way back up to...nil." "That's...nil." "While Miss Alice Tinker has 245 points." "So... the incontrovertible winner of this year's Brain Of Dibley is...," "Miss Alice Tinker-." "And I think it would be just lovely, if the runner-up," "'Just to show there's no hard feelings', were to present the cup, to the winner." "Um..." "Yes..." "All right." "There we go." "Thank you very much..." "With a word of congratulation." "Er..." "Yes, All right." "Congratulations on your victory." "Thanks." "And now you can can kiss her." "Properly, please." "Remember this IS radio, and our listeners will want to hear it." "Oh, Daddy!" "Bravo!" "And the winner of the broadcasting prize is, of course, our resident cool dude," "Mr Hugo "Hot Dog" Horton." "And on that happy note, it's farewell from Radio Dibley." "Hit it, Newitt!" "#Oh, damn!" "Oh, blow!" "Radio Dibley's got to go.#" "So, there's this man vicar..." "Oh?" "!" "Yeah." "He's playing golf with his friend John." "John." "Yeah." "And John misses a three-foot putt." "Oh, dear...." "Yes." "And he says, "Damn it!" "I Missed the bugger!"" "And the vicar says, "Say that once more and God will send down a thunderbolt and strike you dead."" "Well, The next thing that happens," "John misses a two-foot putt." "He says, "Damn!" "Missed the bugger!"" "Oh..." "Yes," "So a giant thunderbolt comes down and strikes the vicar dead." "And God says," ""Damn it!" "Missed the bugger!"" "No, no, no..." "That can't be right, can it?" "Because God wouldn't miss." "Yes, it's God.." "I mean, even if they stood REALLY close, he'd hit the right one, and he wouldn't swear." "It's a very tiny brain in there, isn't it?"