"See?" "I told you that amnio wouldn't be that bad." "Yeah." "They stick a needle in my stomach, and they suck out a bunch of goo." "I want to come back tomorrow and see if they can do that for my butt." "Well, what do you think it's gonna be, a boy or a girl?" "Well, boy or girl really isn't the question so much as good or evil." "Now come on, they're having a big Thanksgiving sale down at Buy 'N' Bag, and I got to get a turkey for next week." "Get an organic one this year, because those regular ones, they're pumped up with chemicals and growth hormones." "Yeah, but D.J.'s favorite part's the third leg." "Excuse me." "You might want to use the back door to avoid those abortion protestors." "They won't hassle us;" "we'll just tell 'em we're with the pre-natal care." "It doesn't matter." "They won't believe you." "Well, what right do they have to hassle anybody?" "Well, these things can get violent." "Roseanne, let's go out the back." "No way." "I'm kickin' ass for two now." "Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, life begins when we say so!" "Are you with us?" "Oh, yeah." "I'm from the central office." "Uh, my name is Enid, and this is, uh, Jackie." "No, no, now, Enid, no." "You can tell them my real name." "I'm Roseanne." "Well, I can see why you're so committed to this cause." "You look like a fetus." "I think I remember you." "Weren't you at that action in Wichita?" "Well, I wanted to be there, but I got stuck setting myself on fire up in Omaha." "So what did you find out about this place?" "Well, we did a total sweep, and the place is clean." "Hey, you just stuck your kid in the eye with your "Save the Children" sign." "But we were told they were performing abortions here." "Well, see, we've been getting a lot of bad information lately." "I don't know." "I think we got a mole." "I don't want to point any fingers, but, uh," "Roseanne, there, is new." "So what'll we do?" "Oh, don't worry;" "I got everything under control." "Uh, I'm giving you the address of a clinic that is very active today." "All right, let's go, let's go." "And afterwards, we got a big pro-capital punishment rally we can go to." "Thanks, Enid." "All right, everybody, follow me!" "Roseanne, you may not agree with them, but how can you send 'em on a wild goose chase?" "I didn't." "I sent 'em to Mom's." "[laughing]" "Hey." "Will you sew these up for me?" "Sure." "Can you give me the needle and thread?" "What am I, your slave?" "This is, like, the third pair of pants" "I've sewn up for you." "What do you ever do for me?" "Well, I don't tell people you can sew, Betty Ross." "Staircase pattern on 2." "Hut-hut." "They're trying to double-team Conner on this one." "He blows past the first guy, fakes towards the staircase." "The crowd goes crazy!" "Study these moves, boys, for you shall be performing same tomorrow." "What are you talking about?" "It's the annual Thanksgiving Day football game." "We need a couple of fearless he-men to replace the guys whose wives won't let 'em play." "Cool, we'll be there." "Yeah, cool." "[Fred] All right." "Let's go, Dan." "Mark, when I look at you, I see speed." "David, when I look at you," "I know we won't leave any equipment on the field." "That's great." "I haven't played football in a long time." "Yeah." "Me, neither." "I just hope I don't get stuck being the guy with his hands on some other guy's butt." "What position do you want to play?" "Well, I don't know." "Like the guy who does the main scoring thing." "You know, like the lineback flanking guy, yeah." "The what?" "Leave me alone." "Wait a minute." "You don't know anything about football, do you?" "When I was in high school, I had better things to do than chase a stupid ball around." "Like what?" "Like beating up artsy femme boys like you." "At least I know how to play football." "You know, I always had this theory about football players." "Touching each other on the butt, sticking their butts up in the air, and wearing really tight pants to show off their butts." "What are you saying, Mark?" "That they're really into butts." "And I don't want anyone checking me out back there." "Why not?" "Cut it out." "All right, Mark." "I was gonna offer to help you out, but if you don't mind being embarrassed in front of your father-in-law, hey." "All right." "Look, I'm sorry, man." "Would you mind teaching me?" "Of course not." "You're my brother." "Now, both teams get several chances to score." "These are called downs." "On first down" "Well, wait." "How many are there?" "I can't believe you haven't picked up any of this in the last 20 years." "I can't believe you haven't picked up any sailors in the past 20 minutes." "Okay, fine." "To answer your question, there are seven downs." "I thought there was always four or five." "Oh, Mark, no." "Now, if you catch the ball on the fourth down, you cannot run with it." "You have to stop right where you are and throw the ball down on the ground." "That's called a spike." "Yeah, hey, spike." "I've seen that." "That's when you do the dance thing, too, right?" "You got to do the dance." "Once you spike the ball down in the middle of the field, believe me, everyone's gonna be looking at you." "Well?" "Is it a boy?" "No, it's a girl, and her name is Darlene, and she's not coming home for Thanksgiving." "Great." "More hummus and tabouli for me." "Did you call the clinic?" "No." "I was thinking maybe we're not supposed to know the sex." "Maybe we should do what we did with D.J.:" "wait till he's 10 and then let him decide." "No, I want to know." "I want to tell everybody at dinner." "Maybe your mom will get so excited, she'll choke." "Oh, okay." "Let's find out." "At least this way, it'll keep you from trying to peek at it while I'm asleep." "* Over the river and through the woods *" "* From Grandmother's house I come *" "Look what just crawled out from under Plymouth Rock." "Your Nana Mary just came in, and she's brought a special guest." "It's her new husband." "This may turn out to be the worst holiday ever." "She got married?" "Yes!" "Your Nana Mary has finally found the man she wishes to spend the rest of her life with." "Well, that's a big step." "I mean, at her age, that's at least a three-year commitment." "Happy Thanksgiving, everybody!" "Hey, anybody want to baste this old bird with any booze you got around handy?" "So, uh..." "who's the looker?" "This is Joe." "That's all she'd tell me." "Just Joe." "Hey, Joe, what do you know?" "No, he doesn't hear very well, Rosie, but that's the price you pay for defending your country against the Kaiser." "So...uh..." "does he do anything?" "Well, what he's gonna do right now is take a leak." "It was a very long, long trip." "Thank you." "Yes, it's another Norman Rockwell Thanksgiving at your house, Roseanne!" "It's right down the hall!" "Zoom!" "Look at him go!" "Come sit down with me, Nana Mary." "Or should I just call you Mrs. Joe?" "Hey, Roseanne, isn't there a phone call you wanted to make before it gets too late?" "Oh, yeah." "You know, the holidays are the busiest time for us phone sex gals." "Well, Mary, you look great." "Marriage must really agree with you, kiddo." "Thank you, Dan." "My complexion cleared up as soon as Joey and I started doing it." "Oh, Mother!" "Shut up, Beverly." "I was hoping that it would bring back his hearing." "Instead, he went blind in one eye." "That'll happen." "Excuse me, ladies." "So should I get it a pink or blue football helmet?" "Just a minute." "She's checking." "Yeah." "Hi." "Okay." "So what kind of kid have we got?" "Does it have indoor or outdoor plumbing?" "Uh, Mrs. Conner, I'm afraid I'm not allowed to give you that information." "Well, why not?" "You just were gonna a minute ago." "Well, I know." "It's just..." "I'm not allowed to give out any information in situations like this." "What are you talking about "situations like this"?" "You'll have to speak to the doctor." "No, you just tell me." "Is something wrong?" "What's wrong with the baby?" "You'll really have to ask the doctor." "Well, put him on the phone." "I can't." "He left for the holiday, but I'll page him." "I'm sure he'll call you as soon as he can." "Tell him he'd better get back to me quick, and remind him that I'm the one that yelled into his stethoscope." "What is it?" "I have to wait for the doctor to call." "It's probably nothing." "Yeah, right." "That's why the nurse wouldn't say anything." "The nurse probably doesn't even know what she's talking about." "What if she does, Dan?" "What then?" "Well... then we'll do what we always said we were gonna do:" "we'll just try again." "Dan, evidently," "Mother's new husband needs your help getting off the toilet." "I don't know how Christmas is going to top this." "I love Thanksgiving!" "The whole family pitching in on the meal and pretending Mother hasn't made a horrible mistake with her life!" "Mom, come on." "Joe's been a big help." "He snapped three beans." "Why..." "Why him, Mother?" "Why is this old man my daddy?" "Hey." "How'd the game go?" "I don't know." "Why don't you ask Spike?" "I'm really sorry, Dan." "That's okay." "Nothing's going right this Thanksgiving." "It wasn't so bad you threw the ball down on the 30 yard line like that, but what did you do that dance for?" "It was fourth down, hotshot." "Sorry you lost." "No, it was great." "Hey, honey." "Did you get a call?" "You didn't talk to anybody about this, did you?" "No." "Good." "I don't want anybody making a big deal out of this." "Just try not to think about it." "Yeah, it would be silly to worry about that when the Bears are having such a bad season." "Here." "Oh, I don't need a sweater, Roseanne." "I've brought my own special schnapps." "Want a bite?" "She can't, Nana Mary." "She's pregnant." "Oh, come on." "My goodness." "It's not as if the fetus had to drive somewhere." "I'll do that." "Hey, so?" "Did you call the clinic?" "Uh...yeah, but I couldn't get through." "Why not?" "Well, you know, all those pregnant teenagers just hog the phone." "Roseanne!" "I heard what you did about those abortion protestors." "I'm proud of you, baby." "Oh, yes, Roseanne." "You're quite the revolutionary." "I'm surprised you're not down in some coffee shop hitting bongos." "I'm proud of you, too, Mom." "I can't believe abortion used to be illegal." "What if I was one of those girls that got pregnant in high school?" "You might have had to drop out and marry some loser." "Can we please talk about something else?" "You know, I had two abortions when I was young." "Mother, you what?" "Yeah." "You heard her." "I heard her." "Everybody heard her, except Joe." "Roseanne, come on." "This is huge!" "You had two abortions, Nana Mary?" "That must have been so hard." "Well, it was pretty tough in those days." "The laws were very strict." "I had to go to some terrible place way on the south side of Chicago." "That was the first time." "So the second time, I went to Mexico." "Or was that to get wool?" "I think it's an abomination." "If you're willing to lie on your back and have sex, you should be willing to face the consequences." "Who said I was on my back?" "Gee, I wonder who told the abortion stories at the very first Thanksgiving." "Now, what if I decided to have an abortion with you, Roseanne?" "Or with your sister?" "What would have happened then?" "Would you like me to tell you, Mom?" "Maybe you wouldn't have had to marry some guy you didn't love and you would've had a happy and fulfilling life." "Wouldn't that be an abomination?" "Yes, it would, Roseanne, because I know the difference between right and wrong." "And abortion is wrong." "Well, thank you for giving us all the truth, Mother." "I've always wondered what that red thong was doing in your apartment with the word "God" on it." "That's right..." "I went to Mexico for the wool and to Canada for the abortion." "I used to love to travel." "Roseanne, what is it?" "This nurse down at the clinic said there might be something wrong with the baby." "Oh, my God, what?" "I don't know." "Oh, Roseanne, I am so sorry." "When are you gonna find out?" "We're just sitting here waiting for the doctor to call." "He hasn't called you back yet at a time like this?" "How can the man be so insensitive?" "Well, I'm guessing he's never been pregnant." "You and Dan must be scared to death." "Well, actually, Dan isn't allowing himself to feel anything until we know for sure." "Well, it is lucky that you're so early in the pregnancy." "Yeah, it's not that early, Jackie." "I heard the heart beat." "You know, I always thought that I could have an abortion, but now, I just" "I don't think I can." "Part of me would always wonder what the kid was gonna turn out to be." "Oh, Roseanne..." "I can't believe that Nana Mary went through this twice." "Well, at least we're better off than she was." "At least we have a choice." "Oh, yeah, we're so lucky." "We get to choose." "I was gonna take a shower, but I guess I can go upstairs." "Um, Dan, I think we should talk." "I was thinking, and even if something turns out to be wrong, I'm just not sure what I want to do." "Jackie, could you leave us alone for a minute?" "Look, I thought we decided that if there was, you know, a serious problem, that we would deal with it." "I mean, we talked about this." "Yeah, but everything's different now." "Why?" "Because I'm pregnant." "So are you saying you wanna have this baby no matter what?" "No, I'm--I'm just saying that this is a much more complicated decision than I ever thought it would be." "Well, I refuse to deal with this now." "I mean, if this is real, you'll probably feel differently." "Don't tell me how I'm gonna feel." "I'm not telling you how you're gonna feel." "I'm just saying when the time comes for you to make a decision, you're not gonna make it alone." "Why, are you gonna make it for me?" "No, I'm gonna make it with you." "I mean, after all, this is half my kid." "Yeah, but it's in my body." "That's great, as long as it stays in your body." "When it comes out, I've gotta take half the responsibility." "Dan, telling the kids every couple of years that they cannot have a dog is not taking half the responsibility." "So, that's all I am around here is a sperm donor?" "No." "You're also sort of an ornament." "This is ridiculous." "We're gonna wait for the call." "Yeah, and what am I supposed to do in the meantime?" "Count our blessings!" "[TV, Man] --for the touchdown!" "Yes!" "Did you see that?" "The guy just spiked the ball." "What a jerk." "But he scored a touchdown." "Man, David really got you good." "So when you gonna punch him?" "I don't know." "When are you gonna shut up?" "Mark, I drained all the oil like you said." "I still can't get my car started." "I'll tell you what, after dinner, just keep cranking it until it starts, then floor it." "All right." "Isn't that bad for his engine?" "Yeah, it's gonna completely wreck it." "[Becky] Hey, everybody, dinner's ready!" "[screams]" "I forgot he was there." "Hey, there you are, Roseanne." "Everything looks great this year." "Roseanne, Dan, you wanna serve?" "Oh." "I'll take this out to Joe." "Oh, isn't he gonna join us for dinner?" "After all, it might be his last Thanksgiving." "Listen, he's quite all right just where he is." "He's got his bell in case he starts to choke." "Sweetie, don't eat too much!" "Leave room for your medications." "What's the matter, baby?" "[baby crying]" "Perhaps he's choking and he can't find his bell." "Shut up, Bev." "No, you shut up!" "Everybody, shut up and eat the dinner!" "[phone ringing]" "I'll get it." "Hello?" "Uh, yeah, doctor." "Excuse me." "No." "So now dinner's been interrupted." "I mean, will nothing go right this year?" "Oh, stop bellyaching', Beverly!" "All you do is complain." "Try to think of one thing you can be grateful for this year." "Yes, I am grateful... for such a sensitive mother who always supports me and nurtures me and never treats me like dirt beneath her feet." "There you go;" "you thought of it." "Now don't hog all the dark meat." "What'd he say?" "He said they don't know anything and that I have to have another amnio." "So we gotta keep waiting?" "Yeah." "I don't even wanna deal with this." "I don't even wanna think about it." "[baby crying]" "He, uh-- he knew the sex, but I didn't want him to tell me." "[baby yelling]" "There." "What do you think?" "I think you did a great job." "You know what?" "I think you're a chick trapped in a wuss' body." "Come on, Mark, I fixed your pants." "How 'bout giving me a break with fixing my car?" "Well, I'll tell you what." "I'm going out to dinner with Becky and when I get back, I'll think about it." "You got a loose thread here, hold on." "[sighs] [fabric tearing faintly]" "You know, I am pretty good at this." "You're pathetic."