"Hey, how much do you suppose this stuff's worth on the black market?" "What would you do with your share?" "Pay for my hernia operation." "Let me see..." "Blankets, powdered milk, penicillin." "OK, that's everything." " All right, Sister Theresa, all set." " How can I ever thank you, Hawkeye?" " And you, Trapper." " Don't thank us." " We're just acting on orders." " But whose?" " Who's the author of all this generosity?" " Uh, Tuttle." "Captain Tuttle." " That's who." "Right, Trap?" " Captain Tuttle?" " Yeah, one of our finest officers." " And a beautiful man." "Just picture George Washington with John Wayne's agent." "I'll have the orphans write him a thank-you letter." "No, he doesn't like anybody to make a fuss." "No, no." "Uh-uh." "That's right." "I mean, he's Mr Humility." " Captain Humility, actually." " Captain Humility." "Just tell the good captain I'll pray for him." " Goodbye." " Bye." "Lovely lady." "Yeah, but she could never be more than a sister to me." "Is she wasting her prayers on somebody who doesn't exist?" " Who doesn't exist?" " This Tuttle you made up." "Who says I made him up?" "Don't con me." "He's a figment of your imagination." "And what makes you think you're not?" " Rough shift?" " Picnic." "Not too many wounded, huh?" "No, no wounded." "I worked on a pregnant infantryman." "Nobody can figure out how it happened." "He hasn't been near a woman in months." " Ohh, that's coffee." " Hawkeye..." "Anybody coming to tell me about more wounded is sucking around for a lobotomy." "Captain Tuttle must sign this form before Sister Theresa can get her next batch of supplies." "How did you come up with a name like Tuttle?" " He was my imaginary childhood friend." " You had an imaginary friend?" "If anybody said "Who knocked over the garbage?", I said "Tuttle"." "If they said "Who broke the window?" "Tuttle."" " "Who wet the bed?"" " Tuttle." "He had no control at all." " So when you got drafted..." " He got drafted." "Just in case you wet your cot." "Precisely." " I had an imaginary friend when I was little." " Terrific." "Her name was Shirley." " Your imaginary friend was a girl?" " Mm-hm." " What'd she look like?" " Like me." " Only with tiny little breasts." " Out!" "Out!" " Morning, sir." " Morning, Radar." " Sign these, please?" " Right." "Those stockings came out nice." "My wife sent me new soap powder." "Where do I..." "Sign the original of each form, sir, and initial the carbon copies." "Or sign the carbon copies and initial the originals." "Then sign this form signifying that you signed what you should have initialled." " You really understand all this army stuff?" " It helps not to be too bright, sir." "Would you sign the supplementary supply form, please?" "It only needs a countersignature." " Captain Tuttle's already OK'd it." " Right." "Captain Tuttle?" "Which one's Captain Tuttle?" "You know, sir." "That new man..." "Captain Tuttle." " Did I meet him yesterday at breakfast?" " Yes." " I didn't have breakfast yesterday." " You must have met him somewhere else." " Right." " You put him in charge of supplies." "Oh, yeah, he signed the supply form." "Tuttle" " I knew I'd seen his name somewhere." " If you'll just OK the duty roster." " Yep." " Major Burns is Officer of the Day again?" " He volunteered." "Frank always volunteers." "If we had a firing squad, he'd volunteer to be in charge of it." "Or in front of it... or both." "Yes, sir." " I knew you'd say that." " Oh..." " Radar?" " Sir?" "Let's give Frank a little help winning the war." " Sir?" " What about Captain Tuttle?" " What about him?" " Has he ever pulled any OD duty?" "No, sir." "One thing I insist on is that every officer in my command pulls his share of the load." "No matter who he is." "Or isn't." "Attention." "A change in the duty roster." "Tomorrow Captain Jonathan S Tuttle will be Officer of the Day." " Frank, did you hear that?" " But I volunteered." "If you're free tomorrow, I have new literature on pelvic deviations." "I don't know any Captain Tuttle." " Do you?" "Tuttle?" " He must be new." "Why didn't he report to me?" "I'm second in command." "Colonel Blake will get around to it, once he finishes his laundry." "Yes, there he is." "It's Tuttle's responsibility to present himself." "He's ignoring me." "Oh, Frank, why would he ignore you?" "Guilt." "He can't face the man he's gonna replace." " Who says he's replacing you?" " Everyone's against me." " Only Pierce and McIntyre." " Did I tell you they glued my Bible together?" "Oh, Frank..." "And they drew fangs on my picture of Senator McCarthy." "My poor darling." "Let's check out this Captain Tuttle ourselves." "Oh, Margaret, you're my snug harbour." "I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have you to sail into." " Corporal?" " Sir?" " Where's the colonel?" " Colonel?" "Colonel Blake?" "He's doing some very important sleeping for the army now." "Typical." " I want to see the personnel file on Tuttle." " These files are locked." "I'm afraid you're gonna need an authorisation from Colonel Blake." " Well, get it." " Wake him." "Wake him?" "He could be dreaming up some new medicine that could help all mankind." "Henry Blake?" "That launderette?" "Well, I'll get an authorisation to see that Tuttle file." "OK, let's see." "When was Tuttle born?" "Um... how about 1924?" "That was a good year for doctors." "OK." "Mother?" "Mm, yes." " Father?" " One." "Harry and Frieda Tuttle." " Birthplace?" " How about my hometown?" "They already have enough to be proud of." " How about..." " Battlecreek, Michigan." "Yeah, that's good." "That's perfect." "OK." "Um... religion?" "Uh... atheist." "I don't believe in atheism." "Let's make him a Druid." " What's that?" " They worship trees." "Ahh, a tree surgeon." "Druid, reformed." "They're allowed to pray at bushes." " What about medical school?" " Harvard." " No, we can't make it anyplace they'll check." " How about, um..." " Berlin Polytechnic." " Perfect." ""Berlinishish Polyteshnico."" "Right after he graduated from Adolf Hitler High." " No, that's a bit much." " You should write fiction." "You should read my file." "Now a little something for Hot Lips." "Height: 6ft 4in." "Weight: 195 pounds." "Hair... auburn." "Eyes: hazel." "Hawkeye..." "I think I'm in love." "I'd like to know why it's so important for you two to see Captain Tuttle's file." "Neither the major nor I have seen him, and that strikes us as very strange." "I've seen him." "I had breakfast with the man only yesterday." "Here it is." ""Tuttle, Jonathan, Captain." "Serial number: 397-299-66."" " "Berlinishish Polyteshnico."" " Probably a Nazi." "Very impressive." "If you two will excuse me..." "I told Tuttle I'd have lunch with him." " So long." " I'll hold down the fort." "Hold down the fort." ""Auburn hair, hazel eyes..."" "For Pete's sake." "You're practically drooling." "Oh, Frank!" "You're not jealous?" "Not jealous?" "If I lost you to anyone, I'd put a scalpel through my neck." "No, Frank!" "No, no, no." "Not here." "No one can see us or hear us." "Frank..." "You know, there's still something spooky about this Tuttle." "I'll just call General Clayton and have him check it out." "Sir?" "Corporal, get me General Clayton, Headquarters, in Seoul." "Yes, ma'am." "Just a minute, ma'am." "Psst." "Get Captain Pierce over here right away." "HQ, Seoul." "This is Sergeant Pryor." " Hi, Sparky." "This is Radar." " How are you doin', boy?" "Fine." "Listen..." "I wanted to thank you for sending the Captain Marvel Annual." "It just come today." "OK, OK, look..." "Listen..." "I'll be making a call on this line any second." "Patch it back to me." "Shazam!" " What's up, Radar?" " Houlihan is making a call to Clayton." " HQ Seoul on the phone." " Thank you." " Hello?" " HQ Seoul, Sergeant Pryor." "General Clayton, please." "Major Margaret Houlihan." " Hello?" " Hello, General?" "Major Houlihan." "Margaret, I do hope this is going to be an obscene phone call." "I wish it could be, sir." "That is, I wonder if you might do me a favour." "You just say the word, Margaret, and I'll get a hormone shot." "Yes, sir." "What I want to know..." "What did you think of that new man I sent down there?" "Tuttle?" "You sent Captain Tuttle?" "Yes, he's going to marry my niece." "Try to keep him pure." "If you can keep your hot little hands off him." "Goodbye, Margaret." "Hi, Frank." " You want what?" " To change my tent." " I want you to make Tuttle my roomie." " Your roomie?" "General Clayton asked that I look after him." " Tuttle?" " Johnny." " Isn't it "Jonathan"?" " Not to his close friends." "Just leave it with me, and I'll see what I can do." "I can only tell you Tuttle and I are both anxious for the change." " We both speak the same language." " Right." "Radar, there's something going on with Major Burns." "Yes, sir, with Major Houlihan." "I know one guy who got pictures." "No, I mean with Captain Tuttle." "Major Burns and Captain Tuttle, sir?" "There's one thing I won't have in this outfit: politics." "I'm getting into this Tuttle business right now." "Attention!" "Attention!" "Captain Jonathan Tuttle will report to Colonel Henry Blake, on the double." "Captain Jonathan Tuttle, report at once." "Should we go back inside and build one?" " Where is he?" " I don't know, sir." "It's not like Tuttle to keep me waiting." " Is it?" " The last I saw, he was in the compound." " Want me to go check?" " No, no, no, no, no." "I'll do it." "Volunteering again?" "I don't want Tuttle to get in trouble with you." "It's the least I can do for my buddy." "Buddies?" " Phillips!" " Here." " Sterner!" "Tuttle!" " Yo!" " Captain Tuttle?" " No." "Captain Pierce, MD, manic depressive." " Is that yours?" " No." "The only mail I'll accept is an apology from Truman." "That is addressed to Tuttle." "Very good, Frank." "You read well enough to be a druggist." " Where is he?" " In Post-Op." "I'm dropping this off for him." " I can do that." " That's very kind of you." "It belies the gossip somebody is spreading about what a twisted, selfish, mean, overbearing fusspot you are." " It certainly does." " Then I'll stop spreading it." "You're not fit to be in the same camp with a man like Captain Tuttle!" "McIntyre?" "Frank, if you're here to help, all the bedpans have already been emptied." " Have you seen Tuttle?" " You just missed him." "He's over at X-ray with Hot Lips." "He said something about doing some chest pictures." "You're a liar." "Excuse me, sir..." "Don't let me interfere with your work." "I'll leave this package for you and wait outside." "I know what you're doing must be very important, sir." "That is, if you are doing it..." "Thank you very much." "Oh, Major!" "Have you seen him?" " Who?" " Tuttle." " Pierce said he was with you." " McIntyre said he was with you!" " Have you been seeing him secretly?" " Shh, Frank!" "There are people." "If I find out you're seeing Tuttle, I'll put my head under a jeep." "Frank..." "Frank, no one can take your place." "No matter how attractive I find Captain Tuttle." "Just as I thought." "Tuttle hasn't been paid in 14 months." " And he never said a word." " What a guy." "Soldier, where do I find Captain Jonathan Tuttle?" "He's in surgery right now, sir." "Where is that?" "I have a mess of back pay for him." "He said I could sign for him." "When it involves so much money, I have to get his signature." "I'm sorry, Captain Tuttle." "I had to have you sign to make sure that the signatures match." "You'd be surprised the number of people that want to stick it to Uncle Sam." "I hope the lack of pay was not an inconvenience." "No, fortunately, I'm independently wealthy." "My father invented bill padding." "You understand that all my future pay is to go directly to Sister Theresa's orphanage." "You are an inspiration to us all." "I know." " Colonel?" " Hmm?" "It's for you." "General Clayton." "Colonel Clayton, General Blake, sir." " Steady, Henry." " Yes, sir." "I just called to offer my congratulations." "That certainly means a lot coming from you, sir." "May I ask for what?" " I just got a letter from Sister Theresa." " I didn't know you had a sister." " She's a nun." " You must be very proud, sir." "Sister Theresa is a nun who runs an orphanage near your outfit." "I mean, I don't know every nun in the..." "It's not my habit, sir, to..." "That's not what I mean." "She told me that Captain Tuttle donated 14 months' pay to her orphanage." "We're all mighty proud of Captain Tuttle." "I was just telling him that, last night at dinner." "We've got to make our appreciation more tangible, Henry." "It's one thing to admire a man's work." "But it's another to get your picture in the paper doing it." "Therefore, I've decided to come out on the field tomorrow and give Captain Tuttle a decoration." "Wow!" "What's that?" "I mean "Wow, sir."" "Yes, sir?" " Where is Tuttle?" " Captain Pierce went to get him, sir." " Do I seem..." " Scared to death, yes." "Go hurry them up." "One day he'll be coming to decorate you, Frank." "Tuttle had all the breaks." "Frank, don't be bitter." "He's a fine American." "The finest." "Our country can use all the Tuttles we can get." "General Clayton." "How do you do, Sister?" "We're proud of you." "Well..." " Shall we get on with it, Henry?" " On with it." "Yes, General." "Where's Tuttle?" "He's coming, sir." "He's quite busy." "Busier than a Brigadier General?" "Excuse me." "Tell Radar to tell Pierce to tell Tuttle to get..." "He's here, sir." "He's here, sir." "I mean..." "He's here, sir." " General." " Pierce, isn't it?" "Yes, sir." "I'm afraid you're not gonna like this, sir." "Then keep it to yourself, Pierce." "Tell us after we decorate Tuttle." "There is no Tuttle." "No Tuttle?" "!" "No Tuttle?" "Not any more, sir." "That's all that's left." "How'd it happen?" "You know Tuttle..." "No sacrifice too great." "This morning, while the rest of us were having a cup of coffee, he went off in a helicopter to do some field surgery." "He jumped with his plasma, his bag... everything an army doctor needs... except his parachute." "How awful!" "I'll see that he gets a personal citation for this." "I think that all of us who knew and loved Tuttle would like to pay tribute to this heroic man." "And I think it's only fitting that the man who knew him best," "Captain Pierce, deliver the eulogy." "That's not true." "I knew him best." "We can all be comforted by the thought that he's not really gone, that there's a little Tuttle left in all of us." "In fact, you might say that all of us together made up Tuttle." "I'll never forget him." "Our grief will pass." "It's already hard to remember exactly how Johnny looked, how he talked," "his little laugh." "Thankfully, he's left behind a memorial." "I've been informed by Radar that Captain Tuttle's GI insurance named Sister Theresa's orphanage as his sole beneficiary." "How typical." "We salute you, Captain Tuttle, humanitarian and healer." "Good luck, Doctor, in that great big waiting room in the sky." "He was the best damn OD we ever had." "Nice work." "Not a dry eye in the camp." " Tuttle always brought out the best in me." " I have a question." "Where did you get the parachute and the dog tags?" "That was Major Murdock." " Who?" " Who's Murdock?" "You know." "Tall, skinny guy." "Tuttle's replacement." "Oh, yeah." "I had breakfast with him this morning."