"I love being." "[Crowd cheering]" "But my friend Olivia has bigger dreams." "Olivia majored in journalism back when people gave a crap about newspapers." "Today's headline... tiny Korean chick rejected again, friend offers sincere support." "I should just give up." "You really should." "Hey, Olivia, I can cheer you up." "Remember that baby bird I rescued?" "I named him Lancelot." "Look what I taught him to do." "[Whistling]" "Dee Dee, if some old lady tries to give you an apple, you turn that bitch down." "It took me 3 weeks to nurse him back to health." "Now he thinks I'm his mommy." "Can you say, "mommy"?" "Say, "mommy, mommy, mommy, mama."" "Say, "mama."" "[Screeches]" "Well, now he can't." "hey, did you guys hear about the Hooters that's opening down route 10?" "Hooters?" "Mm-hmm." "Please." "I'm gonna open a bar called wieners." "And all the waiters would have to wear a speedo with just the tip of their wiener sticking out of the top." "Nobody wants to see penis cleavage." "Especially at my eye level." "Look, guys, the bottom line is we have to compete with Hooters." "So Jerry and I were talking and I came up with a little idea for the uniforms that he thought was brilliant." "You're going to look great in that, Rick." "Look, I know you think that these objectify women and they do, but that's our business plan, so just go for it." "What makes this worse is that my cousins in Korea probably made this." "Yeah." "I am buying this for you because it took me so long to get them." "Oh, thank you." "Hey, I couldn't help but overhear your conversation about your new uniforms and I can understand why you don't like them." "But from a marketing point of view, they make sense." "I'm not doing a porno movie." "Oh, no, no, no." "I'm a partner in a marketing firm." "Tim Cornick." "Cornick and Chung." "Oh, wow." "Are you guys hiring?" "Are you looking?" "No, but my roommate is and she majored in journalism." "Ooh, that's rough." "No, but she's really smart." "And she's Asian, so Chung will have someone to play pai gaw poker with." "I think we are looking for a copywriter." "I'd be happy to get her an interview if you'd let me take you out to dinner." "Wow." "That is an unethical proposal." "So, naturally, I'm in." "Dee Dee, what are you doing?" "Making myself look bigger." "Why don't you just eat something?" "I was reading online that it seems like a-face may have a dominance problem." "Dee Dee, he's a cat." "Cat's kill birds." "A-face is going to have to find some way to live in harmony with Lancelot." "That thing lived?" "Yes, but he's going to have major trust issues." "And I don't think he's going to be able to have kids." "Chelsea, thank you so much for getting me this interview." "I am happy to sleep your way to the top." "I just hope you find a job you love." "I love working at the flower shop." "I love the smell." "I love my smock." "I don't even mind that I'm cold and wet all the time." "I just pretend I'm working in a dog's nose." "Dee Dee, if you ever decide to drop acid, please make sure I'm there." "You know what?" "I haven't had a prospect this promising in 2 years." "I'm so nervous." "On "the apprentice" the interview is always the most important part." "We should practice." "Here, Chelsea, you and I will be hr people." "I'll be Mrs. Wiggenbottom." "And I'll be Mrs. take-it-in-the-bottom." "Oh, you." "Ok." "Now, miss pack, out of all the qualified applicants, what makes you think we should hire you as assistant copywriter?" "Mrs. Wiggenbottom, may I interrupt?" "Oh, yes, of course you may." "Miss pack, are any of your friends dating Tim Cornick?" "Yes." "You've got the job." "That's not how it works." "I mean, is that you got your job, Mrs. take-it-in-the bottom?" "Yep." "And my name." "Chelsea:" "That night I went out with Tim Cornick." "Because I was doing this to help Olivia," "I really turned on the charm." "I just have to warn you, I am a world class armpit farter." "I was the youngest of 5 kids, so I was always looking for attention." "I was a ham, too." "Do you want me to burp the alphabet for you?" "Waiter, we need a sparkling water, asap." "Oh, hey, Olivia had her interview today." "Do you know how she did?" "She sailed through the first round." "Flying colors." "First round?" "Yeah, these jobs are so competitive." "There's a whole series of interviews." "You know, she has to go through the process." "But, don't worry, I've got her back." "Ok." "Ahem." "Is that..." "What?" "Listen." "What is it?" "It's butterfly kisses." "Oh." "It's about a father who puts his daughter to bed and gives her butterfly kisses..." "With his eyelashes." "And the last verse is the girl's wedding day and the mom is putting baby's breath in her hair." "And her dad is giving her butterfly kisses." "You know, and he's just like this big... he's like a big clunky guy." "And he loves his daughter so much." "You know, it's..." "Do you have a daughter?" "Oh, no." "I just..." "I love the idea of it." "[No audio]" "I don't understand what's going on here." "Shh!" "Are you kidding me?" "Listen to the words." "Oh, God, my phone is vibrating." "Who knows why it isn't lighting up?" "You know, it's work." "I have to take this." "Hello?" "Oh, my God!" "Well, I'm on a really fun date, but I guess I'll come right in." "What is it?" "One of my fellow cocktail waitresses, missy, got into a car accident." "Oh." "Is she ok?" "No, she died!" "I have to go cover for her." "I know that if I died, she would cover for me." "I mean, she would have." "Obviously, you know, she can't now but..." "Thank you so much for dinner." "I gotta go." "That's awful." "Let me pay and I'll drive you over there." "In a car?" "Too soon." "Hey, what are you doing here?" "I thought you were on your date with Tim Cornick." "Girl, you know I would do anything for you." "I will give you a bikini wax when you're low on funds, but I will not date a cry baby." "Did you do something scary in bed?" "No, we were at dinner." "He heard a country song." "Oh, well, then he was probably just trying to seem sensitive to get you into bed." "He didn't know he could just ask." "Ha ha." "No, he's like a really sensitive guy." "I think he was menstruating." "Chels, listen, most girls would love a guy who's emotionally available enough to cry." "You're more like a dude." "Yeah, if that means I don't lose it in front of people, then, yeah, I guess I'm like a dude." "And your deep voice scares my mother." "Thanks." "Well, it doesn't matter anyways." "Come on, you've got to keep dating Tim Cornick." "I need this job." "I need to pay off my student loans." "I need to not be wearing footballs on my boobs." "Baseballs are still available." "Hey, Rick, have you checked your email lately?" "No." "Why?" "What's up?" "Jerry wants us to wear new uniforms, too." "What?" "What are they?" "I don't know." "You know, I really hope we don't have to wear suspenders." "It's like wearing a sign that says, "pick me up, drunk man."" "I wonder what the new uniforms are." "I wonder why Jerry would leave his BlackBerry on the bar." "You sent the email?" "Yeah." "Wait till you see these uniforms." "Unlike your education, some things are worth the money." "Oh, no, it's Tim Cornick." "He can't see me like this." "Ok." "Go." "But for God's sakes, keep the music upbeat." "Hey, don't ask." "Chelsea, I hope I didn't do anything to turn you off." "I'm kind of an emotional guy." "You're not like most marketing executives, are you, Tim?" "Well, I'm the creative one." "My partner handles the business stuff." "You know?" "I do the heart." "He does the head." "Oh." "What's his number?" "Hey, by the way, I am so sorry about your friend." "But everyone seems to be doing ok." "Oh, missy." "She didn't actually die." "She just lost a foot." "Oh, really?" "That's still sad and everyone seems upbeat." "No, well, people saw her making fun of other people with one foot, so everyone thought she kind of deserved it." "Wow, karma." "Yeah." "You know that song "karma chameleon"?" "By heart, don't need a reminder." "Ok." "But when do I get to take you out again?" "Please?" "Tomorrow night." "Great." "How about one butterfly kiss for the road?" "Ok." "Chelsea:" "While Olivia's interview process was grueling." "She was trying her best to stand out." "[Grunting]" " Aah!" " Ha ha ha!" "And I tried my hardest not to put out." "Since I was forced to be with him," "I actually started to feel for the guy." "His raw emotion made me feel protective toward him, as Dee Dee was toward the now half-eaten Lancelot." "Or maybe it was just the 6 shots of vodka before the main course." "Hit me again." "Chelsea, I feel like we're becoming best friends, but you're not that into me." "Oh, believe me, Tim, we are not best friends." "But we're not lovers either and I don't blame you." "Nobody wants to make love with me." "Mmm." "I have sleep apnea." "You know?" "I'm allergic to everything." "The last woman I was with, right in the middle of our intimacy she said, "this is a mistake."" ""You can finish, but this is a mistake."" "No." "So I finished, you know." "I haven't been with anybody in 18 months and I am so lonely." "Tim, you are such a great guy." "You know, any woman would be lucky to be with you." "You don't want to be with me." "Of course I do." "You do?" "Yeah." "Oh, Chelsea, you have no idea what that means to me." "Yeah, but... but..." "But not tonight." "Because I have had so much to drink," "I'm afraid that I won't be able to get it open." "I love that you are sharing with me." "Hey, can I get another shot?" "I don't know what to do, Dee Dee." "If I were you, I'd get a job where you wear a shirt." "No, I'm talking about Tim Cornick." "We're both having guy problems." "What?" "Mr. Kitty." "He's a real handful." "But we love them, right?" "Chelsea, I've got good news!" " You got the job?" " Yes!" "I still have to pick up shifts at the bar, but I get to work sitting down and you get to break up with Tim Cornick." "No, I can't." "He was so sad last night that I got drunk and promised to sleep with him." " What?" " Yeah." "And if I turn him down now, it'll totally break his heart." "But if you make love with him, he's going to want to marry you." "Well, if I do have sex with him, at least we can use his tears as lubricant." "This is unacceptable." "So it objectifies you." "This is our new business plan." "This is why I quit footlocker." "Wow." "Todd is really packing." "Yeah." "Yeah, the gods of proportion have such mixed feelings about him." "All right, you know what?" "That's it." "I'm calling Jerry and I am telling him we're not going to wear these uniforms anymore." "Yeah, neither are we." "Yeah, I mean, what's he going to do?" "Is he going to fire all of us?" "No." "This is demeaning, it's wrong, and we're not going to do it anymore." "You go, girl." "Thanks." "Jerry!" "It's Rick." "Yeah, well, I'm just standing here in the tightest little outfit and I thought I'd give you a call." "Yeah, never mind." "You did this?" "Why should I be having all the fun in the totally degrading uniform?" "At least yours is sexy, all right?" "There's no girl in her right mind that will want to sleep with me looking like this." "Because you look disgusting." "And people don't want to sleep with people who look disgusting." "I never used the word disgusting, ok?" "And, hey, for the record, it's a little cold in here." "[Clears throat]" "Not over here." "Chelsea:" "That night to protect Tim Cornick's tender heart, we worked overtime to make me so repulsive that he would rather go home and have sex with himself than have sex with me." "Ooh, your grandmother had some ugly stuff." "Ooh, what's this?" "That is an actual douche bag." "Neat." "Hey, Rick's birthday is coming up." "We can use this to ice his cake." "Have you guys seen a-face?" "No, why?" "Lancelot passed away." "Oh, Dee, I'm sorry." "It's for the best." "The vet said he could save him, but in the end he'd be more machine than bird." "Do you think I should let a-face eat him?" "What?" "Well, he's already dead and a-face wanted him really bad." "I think that's a great idea." "Circle of life, Dee Dee." "Super." "I'll get him out of the freezer." "Whoa, check it out, there's a wig in here." "He's already seen your real hair, Chelsea." "Oh, girl, this is not for my head." "Welcome to where I have sex." "You're going to like it." "A lot of guys have." "Are you crying?" "Oh, no." "My eyes are just itchy." "Tim..." "Before we make love..." "There's a little shameful secret that I need to share with you." "If you want to spank me," "I will pull my pants down right now." "No." "Just keep your pants on." "I have spider veins..." "Hundreds of them." "Look." "I'm so happy you have a flaw." "You're actually so intimidating." "Let me caress them." "Don't do that." "I guess I should take my clothes off." "Oh, wait, wait, wait, don't rush." "I want to enjoy every minute." "Let's just snuggle, you know, and see what pops up." "Oh." "[Moaning]" "No, it's just so hot, I just..." "Let me take my clothes off first." "Are you ready?" "I'm ready." "Ohh." "You are exactly what I pictured." "This is who you pictured?" "You are the most earthy, natural, beautiful woman that I have ever seen." "And that is coming from a huge Janice Joplin fan." "So..." "Chelsea:" "No matter what I did, Tim accepted me for who I was." "So I came up with a lie that would remove me from the situation with grace and dignity." "Tim, I have herpes." "So do I!" "Oh, I'm so relieved." "I didn't know how to tell you." "But now I don't even have to worry if I get an outbreak!" "Ha ha ha!" "Chelsea:" "Holy crap!" "After years of dodging the herpes bullet," "I was not going to go down like this." "But then help came from an unexpected place." "[Meowing]" " You have a cat?" " Yeah." "No wonder my eyes have been watering!" "Ah-choo!" "Ohh." "I'm deathly allergic." "Really?" "Yeah." "Are you really attached to that cat?" "So attached." "It was my grandmother's cat." "And when she died, on her deathbed she said," ""Chelsea, I am putting my soul into this cat." ""And then when he dies," ""you have to put his soul into another cat." "In short you must always have a cat."" "What are we going to do?" "I don't know." "We could never get married." "We could never live together." "Ohh." "This is so tragic." "I guess this is good-bye." "Can I have one butterfly kiss for the road?" "Good-bye, Chelsea." "Good-bye, Tim Cornick." "Don't call." "Don't come to the bar." "Just let me heal for the rest of my life." "Maybe one day medical science will..." "Hey, Chels. ♪" "Hey, man." "So are you glad to be back in your old uniform?" "Yeah, thanks for talking to Jerry." "Hey, you're welcome." "You know, if you would have listened to me in the first place, I wouldn't have had to humiliate you to make my point." "Yeah, that was a good one." "Ha ha." "Thank you." "Hey, you know what else is good?" "This lock I bought for the stereo cabinet." "Why would I care about that?" "Well..." "[Country music playing]" "Man, I hope that's not stuck on repeat." "Hey, have a good shift, Chels." "This won't be good for business." "They just don't write them like this anymore."