"[upbeat guitar music] male announcer:" "Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage" "Jay Mohr." "[applause and cheering] [applause and cheering]" "Thank you very much, everybody, for coming to my Showtime special." "This is number two." "Hopefully, we'll shoot a lot more." "Amen." "audience:" "Amen." "[in British accent] Absolutely beautiful." "We're gonna have a great time tonight." "Uh, doing stand-up comedy, as you guys know," "I speak very openly about my wife and I." "We get to travel across the country." "She writes a lot of the act, and, uh, I gotta tell ya." "Last week, my wife and I were in Texas, and it was about four days, and we have a three-year-old at home." "And we were in Texas for four days." "For the first time, my wife and I traveled without the baby." "Now, if you have kids, you know this feeling." "About a day and a half into the trip, you look at each other." "You're like, "Awesome."" "[laughter]" "Kids are awful." "[laughter]" "I didn't know how much I could get done without a child bugging the hell out of the two of us." "Three years old, walking in, "Are you guys wrestling again?"" ""Yes."" "[laughter]" ""How come Mommy always loses?"" ""Daddy's a wrestler, Mommy's more of a striker." "Relax." ""Get out of the room, please."" "[laughter]" "I was in a hotel room with my wife, and I had sex with her for 16 seconds in a row." "[whooping, laughter]" "Oh, I'm not even exaggerating." "I put in work." "[laughter]" "Sixteen seconds in a row." "And I had, like, a bottle of water on the nightstand." "And the whole time, I'm looking at it, like, 8, 9 seconds in," "I'm like, "No, not yet." ""Wait 'til the end, man."" "[laughter]" "Dump it over your head like you won the Super Bowl when you're all done." "I am so terrible in bed." "My poor wife." "[laughter]" "A lot of comics will come up here and tell you they have huge cocks and they can have sex all night long." "And I'm definitely not one of those comics." "[laughter]" "I have a very small penis." "The good news is, I'm not gonna take up a lot of your time with it." "[laughter, applause]" "Sixteen seconds is, like, my marathon." "My poor wife, my poor bride." "My wife has the libido of, like, a 15-year-old gay boy." "[laughter]" "I, on the other hand, have the libido of, like, an 80-year-old Jewish woman." "[laughter]" "My wife wants to have sex, and I'm like, [doing impression] "Whoa, whoa, slow down." ""What's with all the right-to-it?" ""Can't we kiss and talk about our feelings?" ""Could you kiss my neck?" ""Maybe tell me you love me?" ""Are my nipples alone is this whole endeavor?" ""What's with the mishegoss right to the penetration?"" "[laughter]" "I am bad in bed, and my poor wife puts up with it, thank God." "I'm happily married." "We've been married ten well, just about ten years." "Together ten years, married seven." "And we're happy, and here's the thing:" "Every advice you ever got when you were dating, when you decided to get married everybody wants to give you advice, right?" "Throw it out the window." "They're idiots." "They don't know what they're talking about." "Anybody that'll ever tell you is like, "Hey,"" "or if you go to a marriage counselor" "First of all, let's be honest about marriage counselors." "With all due respect, if you and your wife or you and your husband are going to a marriage counselor, it's already over." "You're fucked." "[laughter]" "Thirty people right now are going, "Oh, no."" "[laughter]" "I mean, seriously, though." "Think about the logic." ""Hey, we don't get along." ""Let's pay a stranger a thousand dollars" ""to tell us why we don't get along" ""and give us bullshit advice."" "Marriage therapy or, like, couples' therapy, they're always like, "Hey, why don't you guys"" "I don't why the marriage therapist is surfer." "[doing surfer impression] "Hey, bud."" "[laughter]" ""Hey, why don't you guys have a game night?" ""That would be awesome."" "But that's what they'll say." "Like, "Well, you guys having a little rocky marriage?" "A little rocky patch?" ""Why don't you guys have a game night?"" "And you're like, "Oh, that's a great idea." ""Let's have all the neighbors come over and see my husband's a drunk and he yells at me."" ""That'll be a good idea."" "[laughter]" ""Sure, in the middle of charades, he can shove me" ""in front of all the neighbors." ""That's a great idea."" "[laughter]" ""Why don't you guys go out to eat, have a little conversation about the food?"" "Everyone's heard that from somebody." "That's dumb." "Oh, oh, remember when you were, like, twenty years old and you'd be out to eat on a date and there'd be an older couple at the next table, like, in their fifties and they wouldn't even look" "at each other?" "And they just ate their food." "And they don't talk, they never look." "And you nudge your date, and you're like," ""Oh, my God, look." ""They hate each other."" "[laughter]" "That's the happiest couple in the restaurant." "[laughter]" "They went to a restaurant to eat." "They're not gonna go there to" "If me and my wife go to a restaurant, we're eating." "We're not gonna talk." "That's, like, Marriage Counseling 101 bullshit." ""Hey, why don't you go to a restaurant," ""talk about your feelings?" ""That'll be nice."" ""Have a little dialogue in a public place."" "And then you're sitting there with your husband and you're like, "Oh, hey, how's your salad?"" ""It has a gambling problem, Michael." ""How's yours?"" "[laughter]" ""My salad gambles too much." ""My edamame cheats on me." ""How's your food?"" "[laughter]" "What's the other thing people always tell you?" "You gotta have a lot in common." "If you're gonna get married, you gotta have a lot of similar interests." "[makes raspberry sound] Garbage, not true at all." "My wife and I, we have enough in common, but you would never pick us on JDate we're not Jewish, I don't know why I said JDate." "[laughter]" "J, Jay Mohr, JayDate." "You would never pick I have my whole empire mapped out there." "[laughter]" "We don't have a lot of similar interests." "We don't like the same food, we don't like the same movies, we don't like the same music." "We don't even like the same people." "[laughter]" "One of us has a friend come over, and the other one goes upstairs into the bedroom, like, "Tell him I'm sick." ""I hate that guy."" "[laughter]" ""Where's Jay?"" ""Ah, he's got the runs." ""He can't come down." ""He wanted me to tell you 'good job.'" ""He likes you a lot."" "[laughter]" "Here's the thing:" "similar interests are not what keep a marriage afloat." "If you really wanna stay together for a very, very long time, you don't have to have similar interests." "Because they'll tell you if your girlfriend is a parasailer, they go," ""Looks like somebody's gonna learn how to parasail."" "No, you don't have to at all." "You don't have to have similar interests to be happy together." "You know what you have to have?" "Similar hates." "[laughter, cheering]" "Yeah." "Similar hates." "The couple that hates together loves together." "[laughter]" "And my wife and I are the dynamic duo of hatred." "We hate everyone that's not in this room right now." "[laughter]" "You know you're married to the right person when weird things happen." "You know?" "Ever hate somebody and you don't know you hate them and your wife tells you why you hate that person and you're like, "Oh, wow, you're the best"?" "[laughter]" "And I mean that completely sincerely." "Strange things happen." "I remember, once I was driving down" "Sunset Blvd., and it was one of those strange days where I said to myself," ""Wow, I've been mean all day."" "It was about eleven o'clock in the morning, and I was like," ""I've been kind of a dick all day." ""I've been grouchy all day."" "It's very rare to do that much self-reflection." "I'm like, "Wow, I've been, like, crabby," ""I've been mean."" "I got in an argument with a stranger on Twitter." "[laughter]" "Like, what?" "For an hour and a half, I'm arguing with milklady420 about the Jets' season." "Like, crazy." "[laughter]" ""From now on," ""I'm going to be nice." ""For the rest of the day, I'm not going to argue," ""I'm not going to say anything negative" ""about anybody the entire rest of the day." "The moment I had that thought, on Sunset Blvd, a guy walked out of a tattoo parlor with denim cut-off shorts, flip-flops. a Def Leppard t-shirt, and I'm like," ""Oh..."" "[laughter]" "I'm just staring at the guy, and I'm sweating." "And my wife goes like this," ""Oh, look at this asshole."" "[laughter]" "Oh!" "Oh, mi corazon !" "[laughter]" ""I was gonna let that ball roll out of bounds," ""and you just dove on the court and" ""put that shit back in play." ""Yeah, fuck that guy." "I hate him."" "[laughter]" ""Let's hate him."" "[laughter]" "Similar hates." "[laughter]" "We don't like the same TV shows." "If you looked at our TiVos, you wouldn't even think we knew each other." "[laughter]" "My wife's TiVo is, like," "Food Network," ""Barefoot Contessa."" ""Don't tell Jeffrey."" "[laughter]" ""How bad could that be?"" "You're welcome." "[laughter]" ""Dateline:" "ID,"" "like, forty "Dateline:" "ID"" "murder shows."" "[laughter]" "And then at the very bottom, there's, like, 18 "House Hunters International."" "[laughter, women cheering]" "Yeah, ladies love "House Hunters International."" "My TiVo is like, UFC Fight, boxing match," "Fight, Fight, "Daily Show,"" ""Olberman," Fight, Fight, Fight, Fight, Fight." "Now, if I was ever murdered... [laughter] the FBI would look at my wife's TiVo and go," ""This is an easy case."" "[laughter]" ""She obviously gave him poison chicken."" "[laughter]" ""Next, I'm making Jeffrey's chicken." ""How bad could that be?"" "[laughter]" ""She obviously made him poison chicken," ""watched 'Dateline:" "ID' to learn how to get away with it," ""and then bought a condo in Toronto" ""from an Indian landlord."" "[laughter, cheering]" "We don't have to like all the same things because every once in a while, the streams will cross." "I remember I was watching a fight downstairs." "It was the UFC fight, and there was a fighter on my television, this kid Urijah Faber great kid, all right?" "Really great fighter, California kid, gorgeous, good-looking," "135 pounds." "He was just on my radio show." "I interviewed him, he was a great interview." "Very kind, very humble." "Two days later, I'm watching Pay-Per-View, and I'm watching him just punch the shit out of some Brazilian guy, and I should be having a good time, but for some reason, I don't like him." "My wife comes downstairs to get her Coke Zero out of the refrigerator... [laughter] looks at the TV for one second and goes," ""who's the asshole with cornrows?"" "[laughter]" ""Oh, I love you."" "[laughter]" ""I didn't know why I hated him" ""until you let me know why I hated him."" "There is no worse look than a white guy with cornrows." "None." "[laughter]" "None." "I take that back:" "white women with cornrows." "[laughter]" "Yike, that is a bad look." "That's when it's time to go home from vacation." "[laughter]" "When you're so drunk you think cornrows is a good idea on your white head." "[laughter]" "Gentlemen, you're sitting in the hotel room just watching "SportsCenter," and all of a sudden, your wife comes through the door, is plowed." "She's like," ""Jamaican guy braided my hair for four dollars on the beach."" "[laughter]" "Time to go home." "Wrap it up." "[laughter]" "That is a look that either says you drank too much on vacation or you're in jail and you're surviving." "[laughter]" "I remember when my wife was watching" ""House Hunters International,"" "and I go upstairs to get a pair of socks." "I look up at the TV for one second." "Now, remember, I don't watch "House Hunters."" "We explained that earlier." "You know what?" "This is why I don't like the show "House Hunters."" "You save all of your money to buy your dream house." "And then you're in your dream house, and you're watching "House Hunters."" "You watch somebody else's dream house and you go, "Oh, fuck, I could've had that?" "!"" "[laughter]" ""Where's my realtor?" ""I'm gonna head-butt his face." "This sucks."" "[laughter]" "My wife is watching "House Hunters,"" "I come upstairs." "All I wanted to do was get a pair of socks." "I come upstairs, I go to get a pair of socks," "I look up at the screen again, one second." "One second is all I need to know." "There is a couple on the television that is the most disgusting couple" "I've ever seen in my life." "[laughter]" "Every single person in this room has that one couple in their neighborhood that when they walk down the street, you elbow each other and you go," ""Oh, my God, here they come." ""Look, here they come."" "[laughter]" "And you know the couple I'm talking about." "Like, matching red sweat suits, they got fanny packs, green visors, and they're walking teacup yorkies, and they're wearing ankle weights." "You're like, "Here they come."" "[laughter]" "This couple was worse than even that couple." "[laughter]" "I look up, there's a man standing there, little portly gentleman, a little heavy, but he's wearing a leather vest." "No shirt on underneath." "[crowd groaning]" "And his nipples are way too big." "They're peakin' out the side." "[laughter]" "He's got, like, giant silver dollar pancake nips that's what he wore when he knew he was gonna be on television." ""I'll wear my good vest."" "[laughter]" "With no shirt on underneath." "And his nipples are peaking, like," ""Are we on television?"" "[laughter]" "The wife looks like Mrs. Roper from "Three's Company."" "[laughter]" "You know everyone here has got that one lady in the neighborhood." "She's got the fucked-up home perm, the colors aren't right." "[laughter]" "The top's not the same color as the bottom." "She's got some flowery muumuu." "She's always trying to sell you jewelry." "Right?" "[laughter]" "It's always, like, topaz and quartz, and she goes, "I made it myself."" "And you're like, "Well, that means I can make it myself." ""What kind of fuckin' business woman are you, you nut?"" "[laughter]" "This couple was disgusting." "And I stop at the sock drawer, and the TV is right here in front of the sock drawer." "And I saidI didn't even realize I said it out loud" "I went, "Oh, my God, these people are terrible."" "And from behind me, I hear, [softly] "Will you stay?"" "[laughter]" "I look behind me, and I notice for the first time my wife is completely under the blankets up to here, just the remote sticking out like she's watching "The Exorcist" alone at night." "[laughter]" "I go, "Do you want me to stay?"" "She goes, "I Tivoed it." ""I already watched it twice." ""They're disgusting people."" "[laughter]" ""We can watch it again." ""You can get in bed, we can hate them together."" "And I'm like, "Well, I know what I'm doing" ""with my afternoon." "Let's hate."" "The couple that hates together loves together." "Similar hates." "Have you ever noticed on "House Hunters"" "the more repulsive the couple, the more they're obsessed with buying a house with an area for entertaining?" "[laughter]" "Every show, you got some guy in there with the leather vest and the big nipples going, "You know what?" ""This'd be a really good place to entertain."" "[laughter]" "What kind of entertaining is that guy doing?" "[laughter]" "First of all, I've never said that word in my life." "I've never said, like," ""Hey, wanna come to my house?" ""We're entertaining."" "No, I would never say that." "You know why?" "I don't live in medieval times, that's why." "[laughter]" "I'd say, "Do you wanna come over?"" ""Are you coming by my house?"" "I would never say, "After the joust," ""we will retire to the south lawn."" "[laughter]" ""We will drink mead, have all the children" ""washed and sent to my tent," ""and we will begin entertaining."" "[laughter]" "And it's the most repulsive couple you've ever seen." "It's amazing." "And the more they talk, the worse it gets." "The guy's standing there talking to camera, they gotta do, like, their little testimonials," "He goes, "Well, during the day, we teach magic."" "[laughter]" ""At night, we make dreamcatchers," ""and we sell them online."" "And you're like, "Wow."" ""I hope you buy a gated community" ""because people are gonna be hopping" ""the walls to party with you two."" "[laughter]" ""This'd be a really good place for entertaining."" "I don't understand that." "In my house, there's only one way my wife and I entertain." "We fuck." "That's it." "[laughter]" "This is an entertainment system right here." "I own one." "She has one, too." "And then a couple times a week, we put our entertainment systems together." "We dock them up and we entertain." "That's entertaining." "[laughter]" "Not fucking game night, that's crazy." "[laughter]" "Apparently, you have to be an alcoholic on "House Hunters," as well." "Everyyeah." "Every person that buys a house on "House Hunters," they are obsessed with a room in that house where they can and I quote" ""have my wine."" "[laughter]" "Ten million dollar mansion overlooking the Pacific Ocean, and the guy will go," ""This is a nice house," ""fourteen bedrooms, fifteen bathrooms," ""eighteen-car garage." ""Whoa, this would be a really good place for me" ""to have my wine."" "Really?" "Maybe you should go to a meeting." "Maybe you have a drinking problem [laughter] if that's what's important to you." "Buying a ten million dollar house overlooking the ocean is a place for you to drink wine." "If I have a ten million dollar mansion overlooking the Pacific Ocean," "I'm gonna say to my wife," ""Look out at the view,"" "and she'd be like," ""I've see it." "We've lived here a year and a half."" "And I'd be like, "No, you need to look again, it's weird."" "And she'd be like, "What are you talking about?"" "I'll go, "Just look at the view."" "And she'll go out on the balcony, and she'll look out on the ocean, and I'll pull down her Free City sweat pants." "[laughter]" "And then I will entertain her." "[laughter, applause]" "For sixteen seconds in a row." "[cheering, applause]" ""You can have a glass of wine." ""I'm gonna have an orgasm." ""She'll have two or three." ""She's a lot better at it that I am."" "[laughter]" "We have similar hates, my wife and I, and that's what's keeps us together." "We both hate intolerance, we both hate homophobia, we both hate the word "homophobia."" "It doesn't make any sense." "Phobia is something where you're so afraid of something, a doctor on a legal pad has to write you a prescription for your phobia." "Arachnophobia:" "a fear of spiders." "Claustrophobia:" "a fear of closed-in spaces." "Homophobia:" "You're not afraid of gay people, it's just not your thing." "I understand that, and I'm not trying to convince you otherwise." "That's your thing, that's for you to carry." "I don't really give a shit, that's your life." "My life, I have gay friends." "You have your friends, I have mine." "But if you don't like gay people, it's not a fucking phobia." "Look, all right, look, if you had arachnophobia, right, and I had a bucket of spiders, tarantulas, and I just threw them right here look, they flinched, and it's make-believe [laughter]" "and then I would say, like, a year from now somebody would say to this guy that he'd be like," ""Hey, we're going up to Santa Barbara,"" "he'd be like, "I can't go to Santa Barbara."" "[laughter]" "He's that afraid of spiders." "But if I had a friend, I go," ""Hey, this is my friend Kirk,"" "and it happened to be a gay guy, and he came out, you would shake his hand and go, "Hey, nice to meet you, Kirk."" "You wouldn't go, "Ahh!" and run out of the back of the theater [laughter] because you have a phobia of gay what if I had a bucket of gay spiders?" "How amazing would that be?" "[laughter]" "Oh, my gosh." "Can you imagine?" "Arachnohomophobia?" "If I had a giant bucket of gay spiders with little furry arms, neatly combed, of course." "[laughter]" "And you couldn't run away because they were gay spiders." "You'd have to be nice." "You'd shake their little furry hands." "You'd be like, "Hey, how are you, spider?" ""Nice to meet you."" "And then on the drive home, you'd be like," ""i think that spider was a fag, right?"" "[laughter]" "Don't like the name "homophobia."" "You're not afraid of gay people, it's just not your thing." "We both don't like that." "Similar hates." "We both hate intolerance, racism, antisemitism, sexism, ageism, looksism." "We both hate irony." "Now, this is a heavy trip, but you guys are obviously smart, you guys will get this." "Irony, and what I mean by that is people that think things are so bad that they're good." "They're ironic." "Hipster douchebags with handlebar mustaches [laughter] wearing Hello Kitty t-shirts." "They're like, "You like it?" ""It's hilarious, right?"" "No." "It's not." "[laughter]" "At all." "You look like a dick." "[laughter, applause]" "You're 35 years old wearing a Hello Kitty t-shirt and you don't watch Hello Kitty." "[laughter]" "If I wear a Hello Kitty t-shirt, it's 'cause" "I love the fuck out of Hello Kitty." "[laughter]" "I have no irony in my body at all." "None." "Zero." "If I wear something, it's 'cause I like it." "I don't have any wacky t-shirts." "I never will tell you, like, something is so bad that it's good." "You following me on this?" "People will go, "Hey, I watched 'Showgirls' last night" ""for, like, the fifteenth time."" "And you go, "Why?"" ""Oh, it's so bad, it's good."" ""No, it's so bad, it's bad." ""To you, ti's just actually good because you've watched it" ""fifteen times."" "[laughter]" ""That doesn't make sense, Tyler."" "[laughter]" "Nothing is so bad that it's good." "You've never eaten bad cheese and, like, after an hour of just shoving it into your face going," ""You know what?" "It's growing on me." ""It's so bad, it's delicious."" "Nothing is so bad that it's good." "If "Showgirls" was on tonight" "When I go home, if "Showgirls" was on Showtime," "I'm up, I'm up for two hours." "You know why?" "Because I fucking love "Showgirls."" "It's great." "[laughter, cheering]" "Not because it's bad, because I'm man enough to go," ""I enjoy this movie."" "I'm not an ironic douchebag going," ""It's so bad it's good."" "Just admit you like it, asshole." "[laughter]" "Nothing is so bad it's good." "I watched a movie once called "Pluto Nash."" "I only got 20 minutes in, and I'm in it." "[laughter, cheering]" "It never circled back around to good." "It just kind of stayed bad, and I went, "i'm wasting my time." ""I'm gonna watch 'Showgirls.'"" "[laughter]" "I don't like irony, my wife hates it, too." "I have no irony in my body whatsoever." "I don't like ironic people." "I don't understand the mindset." "You see a guy, some barista, and he's wearing a Journey t-shirt, and you go, "Man, that's a bitchin' Journey t-shirt."" "He goes, "I know." "I got it at a thrift shop." ""it's awesome, right?" "It's funny."" "And I'm like, "Whoa, I'm sorry."" "[laughter]" ""Did you just say Journey was funny?"" "[laughter]" ""Let me tell you something, Tucker."" "[laughter]" ""I don't know what egg you hatched out of" ""or what spaceship they dropped you onto Earth." ""Journey is not funny." ""Let me tell you something about Journey."" "[laughter]" ""Journey is so amazing, so beautiful, so powerful," ""so impressive that right now, as we're talking," ""there's a tiny Filipino man [laughter]" ""acting like he's the lead singer of Journey" ""and none of us care."" "[laughter, cheering]" "We go to every Journey concert with the little Filipino lead singer." "We're like, "Fuck it." "Three out of four," ""I'm going anyway."" "[laughter]" "They found him on YouTube doing karaoke Journey songs." "He doesn't speak English." "He's like, [doing impression] "When the lights go down"" "I don't wanna have to pay for the song, but you get the point." "[laughter]" "He sings Journey for an hour and a half and then the meet and greet is like," ""Ding don..."" "He doesn't even know what the fuck you're talking about." "[laughter]" "That's how great Journey is, you asshole, you ironic dick." "[laughter]" "Take your irony and beat it." "You see a guy wearing a Neil Diamond tour jacket and you go, "Hey, ho, whoa, bro," ""did you see Neil Diamond?" ""Which one of these cities?"" "You know, they always have, like, the cities on the back of a tour jacket." "You're like, "Whoa, hey."" "You gotta catch up to the guy, it's a Neil Diamond tour jacket, it's cool." ""Bro, hey, whoa, hey, buddy," ""did you see Neil Diamond?" ""Which one of those cities?" ""Which show were you at?" "Because I went to that."" "He goes, "Oh, no, i just picked this up because" ""I thought it was funny."" "And you're like, "What?"" "[laughter]" "And, like, a part of you breaks." "Neil Diamond is funny?" "[singing] Sweet Caroline... [audience singing]" "Okay, so we're all assholes?" "[laughter, applause]" "Apparently, he's kind of awesome." "We all knew the words with one sentence." "[laughter]" "And don't lie, when you see a" "Neil Diamond in concert, and you yell "Oh, oh, oh,"" "you are yelling louder than you have yelled anything in your life." "Your four-year-old could run into traffic, and you're, like, "Don't!" "Stop!"" "would be half as loud as your "Oh, oh, oh"" "because in the back of your mind, you're hoping against hope that Neil Diamond just stops the entire show and says," ""Hold on a minute."" "[laughter]" ""That was the greatest goddamn 'oh, oh, oh'" ""I've ever heard."" "[laughter]" ""I want you to come on tour with me and be" ""my permanent 'oh, oh, oh.'"" "[laughter]" "You know that's true." "So, now you know what I mean by "irony.'" "I don't have it in me, and neither does my bride." "Similar hates." "There's a couple times in my life where irony has completely bitten me in my ass." "When I've done something to be ironic, when I've done something that I thought was funny, it's completely backfired." "I have two examples for you that you're gonna love." "My wife is filming a movie in Atlanta." "I went with her, she's there 4 days." "She has one day off, and she goes," ""You know, Bon Jovi's playing next door."" "I'm like, "Oh, my God, we have to go." ""It'll be so funny."" "That's what I said." ""Let's go see Bon Jovi." "It will be so funny."" "And she goes, "it will, right?"" "I go, "It'll be hilarious." ""They're in their forties, their pants are too tight." ""Let's go and just laugh and have a good time."" "And you know what?" "It was funny." "To Bon Jovi." "'Cause two songs in, we're standing on our chairs, "Ahh!"" "[laughter] [singing] "Faggy used to work..." Ahh!" "[laughter]" "We are shoving each other out of the way to try to touch Jon Bon Jovi's dick." "We're just pulling people by their hair." "We're in the sixth row, and we're making our way forward." ""Get the fuck..."" ""Fuck you, bitch!"" "[screaming]" ""Livin' on a...."" "[screaming]" "And my pants were too tight." "[laughter]" "I'm back in the hotel, high-fiving," ""That was amazing." "He looked at me."" ""He looked at me, too."" "[laughter]" "All true." "We were in Las Vegas once, my wife and I." "This is obviously before we had children." "The reason I have to put that addendum in is because the whole point of this story is that my wife and I were very, very high, real, real, high." "[laughter]" "In Las Vegas, just started dating." "And we always got our pot from Grandma Helen." "My wife's grandma always gave us pot." "And it was always good pot, nice pot, easy pot, easy like" "I don't wanna keep paying for songs on this damn special." "[laughter]" ""Man, that guy likes music."" "[laughter]" "We used to smoke all of Grandma Helen's pot, and then on this particular trip to Las Vegas, Grandma Helen gave us a nice, fair amou a lotof pot." "[laughter]" "But she didn't tell us it was a different kind of pot." "Now, before I go any further, you must know that Grandma Helen is completely healthy and she's kicked the Grim Reaper in the nuts six times." "She's been given Last Rites by the Catholic Church three or four times, and every time everybody thinks she's on death's door, she's gets up out of a hospital bed and goes," ""Take me home."" "[laughter]" "She's completely fine." "So, when I tell you this, I don't want you to be like, "Eeeh." She's fine." "She's watching tonight, she's great." "Okay?" "She used to give us pot." "Pot, grass, reefer, marijuana." "Now, this particular trip to Las Vegas, what she did not tell us was that the hospital gave her a new kind of pot because after getting Last Rites by the Catholic Church, they gave her palliative care" "marijuana." "If you don't know what "palliative care" means, and I pray to God that you never know what it means, it means you are going to die." "The doctors, nurses, and specialists went," ""Fuck it, I don't know what to do."" "[laughter]" ""Give her palliative care."" "That just means give her nice pillows because she's dying anyway." "They gave her palliative care marijuana, the kind of marijuana they give you when you know you're dying." "If you're gonna meet Saint Peter, you might as well shake his hand giggling." "[laughter]" "That's the kind of pot... that my wife and I are now in possession of." "And we didn't realize that it was that kind of pot." "It's like morphine, it's like other-level, and we have no idea." "We're in a hotel room in Las Vegas, we each have a joint to ourselves, a wake-and-bake, 9 in the morning." "We smoke each of our entire joints by ourselves." "And I'm sitting on a couch and she's sitting on chair, and about two hours go by before we realize none of us have spoken." "[laughter]" "Two hoursI'm not exaggerating at all." "Two hours, mouths open." "[laughter]" "And after two hours, my wife said to me," ""Did I just say that out loud?"" "[laughter]" "We werehow do you put it?" "Fucked." "And there is no worse high than a surprise high." "And if you've ever gotten high in your life, you know that." "No worse high than a surprise high." "You're at a Dodger game, it's the second inning, and your buddy goes, "Whoa, you didn't eat" ""the whole cookie, did you?"" "And you're like, "What?" "!"" "[laughter]" ""You gave me a cookie, I ate it." "What's the problem?"" ""Oh, dude."" "[laughter]" ""Do these chairs have seat-belts?" ""You're gonna need one, bro."" "[laughter]" ""Like, what?" "It's just a pot cookie." ""Who cares?"" "And then in the fourth inning, you look at some strangers next to you." "You're like, "Everybody in the bullpen's talking about me."" "[laughter]" ""The first-base coach keeps giving me the finger." ""Look, watch this, look, look." ""I'm not high."" "[laughter]" "We were gone." "We realized, we have to get out of the hotel room because the walls are closing in, the ceiling's getting shorter, and the carpet's doing funny things to our eyes." "We need to get out of there." "Now, we can't hang out in the casino at the hotel in Las Vegas." "We're both sort of famous, I suppose." "All right, how about this?" "We're both famous enough that when you're that fucking high, you don't wanna be at a card table with people going, [acting drunk] "Ahh!" ""Wanna take a picture?" "Ahhh!"" "That'll scare the shit out of you." "[laughter]" "We realize we have to get off-premises entirely." "But we don't know what to do." "My wife looks at the Las Vegas magazine that they put in your room when you go to Las Vegas and she goes," ""Oh, my God."" "[laughter]" "I go, "What?"" "She goes, "We should go to the Liberace Museum."" "[laughter]" "Yeah." "And you are thinking the exact same thing that I thought." "Ironic." "I thought, "Yeah, it'll be funny." "That's what you were thinking, right?" "Admit it." "Yes." "[applause]" "And that's why we went, to be ironic." "And apparently, we were so high we did not look at a mirror [laughter] before we left the room." "[laughter]" "We decided to walk it, and in my wife's immortal words," ""It's only 14 blocks."" "[laughter]" "She didn't say it cunty like that." "I don't know why" "She said, "It's only 14 blocks."" "My wife's a nice person." "I don't know why I said it like that." "She said, "It's only 14 blocks,"" "but Las Vegas blocks, it's, like," ""Whoa, there's New York City," ""there's a fucking pyramid, Holy shit."" "[laughter]" "Like, they're different blocks." "[laughter]" "You're not in Manhattan." "So, we go out." "It is 108 degrees." "[laughter]" "My wife is wearing pajama bottoms, UGG boots, a bikini top." "[laughter]" "Oh, we're gone." "Yeah." "I'm wearing a Def Leppard t-shirt, denim cut-off shorts... [laughter, applause] and flip-flops." "[laughter]" "True." "We are walking, it's 108 degrees." "We are sweating." "My wife's mascara is running like she'e a rejected KISS character." "[laughter]" "It is brutal." "We're not gonna make it." "Don't forget, we're panic-stricken because we're so high, and we don't realize why we're so high." "We don't know we took you're-about-to-die pot." "[laughter]" "I feel like I'm gonna have diarrhea," "I'm walking, I'm trying not to let one go." "[laughter]" "We finally, after an eternity, get to the Liberace Museum." "We open the Liberace Museum doors, the air-conditioning inside is pre-set to 64 degrees, and we get awash with cool air." "And my wife and I are both thinking he's already the greatest artist of all time." "[laughter]" "I don't give a shit." "I don't know anything about him, but his fucking museum has air-conditioning." "He's the greatest." "[laughter]" "All I know about Liberace, and I'm not joking, prior to that trip was Bugs Bunny sitting at a piano [laughter] and looking out and saying," ""I wish my brother George was here."" "That's my entire wealth of Liberace knowledge." "I knew nothing about the man." "I walk into the 66, 64-degree museum." ""Ah, so nice." ""I love Liberace." "It's cool in here."" "And there is a diamond-encrusted piano right when you walk in." "A piano with diamonds all over it." "It must have cost, like, 50 million dollars." "And then there's outfits behind glass cases, like fedoras, fedora hats and, like, beautiful scarves made out of ostrich feathers with the fucking head still attached, the ostrich." "Like, really?" "[laughter]" "And you realize, wow, this guy was famous." "Like, people thought he was straight." "That's fame." "[laughter]" "I mean, let's be real for a second." "Liberace would come out he didn't hide it at all." "Liberace would come out and go, "Hi!" "Hi!"" "[laughter]" ""Thank you for coming,"" "and then there was housewives in Madison, Wisconsin, going," ""Oh, Li, wait for me."" "Like, they thought he was straight." "Like, they didn't, you know." "[laughter]" "The whole time we're in the Liberace Museum, they are piping in the most beautiful piano music" "I have ever heard in my life." "And I look at the docent, the guy working at the Liberace Museum, and I go," ""is this Rufus Wainwright?" ""Is this Bach, Beethoven?"" ""Like, what is this amazing piano music?" "And he goes, "It's Liberace."" "[laughter]" ""You're in the Liberace Museum," ""so we play Liberace."" "At that moment," "I realize what an asshole I was." "[laughter]" "Because we went there to be ironic, and it wasn't funny at all." "We got an education." "Let me tell you something." "There's been a few mistakes in my life that I wish I could take back." "Going to the Liberace Museum is not one of them." "However, I'm going to tell you one of the worst mistakes you could ever make." "Palliative care marijuana [laughter] and the Liberace Museum gift shop." "[laughter, applause]" "An 1100 dollar mistake." "[laughter]" "Everything seems like a good idea." "Liberace plates, Liberace shot glasses," "Liberace coffee mugs, Liberace cookbooks." ""Hey, let's have a Liberace dinner party." ""We'll invite 12 people." "Get more plates." ""And we'll plan it on our Liberace calendar."" "They sell everything." "My wife and I are still high, still freaking out." "We're like, "How do we get all these plates home?"" "They sell Liberace luggage at the Liberace gift shop." "On wheels, on rollers." "You can walk it back to your hotel because they know you're high." "[laughter]" "So, there we are like people on meth just, like, putting plates and saucers with Liberace's picture on it, and, like, shot glasses, like," ""Can you zip it?" ""Will it fit for our Liberace dinner party?"" "[laughter]" "And we walk back to the hotel dragging our Liberace luggage up Flamingo Blvd." "A hundred and eight degrees." "And there's a picture of Liberace on the side of the luggage wearing dolphin shorts and red-white-and-blue suspenders and tassels, going, "Yah!"" "[laughter]" "And we're just pulling it up the street." "My flip-flops are coming off because they're melting." "My wife's uggs smell like a skunk farted." "It's horrible." "[laughter]" "It is brutal, and my denim shorts are cutting into my thighs." "And all I can pray and hope is that at that exact moment, a married couple drove by and the wife said," ""Look at this asshole."" "[laughter, cheering]" "My wife and I do share one thing that we love." "Well, we like a lot of the same things, but the one big thing daytime TV, we're, like, obsessed with." "If you wanna know why your senator sucks and, like, your congresswoman won't call you back or the mayor is, like, cheating on his wife, you need to know something." "People that are on Tv during the day, they vote more than you and I vote combined." "You watch daytime TV, that's, like the real shit." "That's America." "That's 'Murica." "That's America." "[laughter]" ""Sixteen and Pregnant,"" ""I'm Sixteen, My Mom's Pregnant,"" ""Oh, my God, My Mom's 16 and She's Pregnant."" "Like, that's really what's happening." "This is, like, an illusion right here what's happening." "You ever watch "Maury Povich," and he goes," ""Lamar, you..." ""are not the father"?" "Lamar's like, "Yeah!"" "[laughter]" "Lamar votes." "[laughter]" "He's there at 7 in the morning, he votes, and then he gets back on line." "I love when they do that "you are" or" ""you are not the father" because they always do a close-up shot of the baby." "They got a camera on the baby backstage." "It's, like, a one-year-old, but he's already a little obese with runny eyes and he's just staring into the camera like... [laughter, applause]" "The baby has a look on his face like," ""Either way, I lose," right?" "[laughter]" "Let's be honest." ""It's not like if Lamar is the father" ""I'm the big winner here today on 'The Maury Povich Show.'"" "Daytime TV commercials are the most fascinating thing and I'm gonna tell you all about them because you need to hear, because you guys need to be on the same page as me." "Daytime TV commercials it really is just a list of side effects all day long." "[laughter]" "You know that, right?" "All day, side effects, side effects, side effects, side effects," "They're catering to people that maybe don't feel so good that day." "Maybe you take a day off of work." "We all have that one day, a Wednesday." "Ladies, you call your boss." "Guysyou know what's amazing?" "When you call in sick to work, even though your boss can't see you, you still physically act it out in your house." "Like, "Oh, God, I don't know, man."" "[laughter]" ""I don't think I'm gonna make it."" "Like, you could be standing there naked, like, doing X-Box, but instead, you're like, "Oh..."" "going for the on-the-phone Oscar for your boss." "[laughter]" "And your boss goes," ""Take all the time you need, Wendy." ""Don't worry about it."" "And you're like, "Okay, good."" "You hang up the phone, you take off the Spanx, let the gut out." ""Fuck it, this is my day." ""I'm relaxing."" "[laughter]" ""My day." ""This is a day for me."" "But you can't relax because daytime TV will scare the shit out of you." "[laughter]" "Big pharmaceutical companies, they need you to think, and me to think, that we are dying faster than we're actually dying." "And I got news for you." "Every single person in this beautiful theater is going to live well into their eighties." "I talked to God on the drive over." "He told me to tell you that." "[cheering, applause]" "We're all healthy." "We're all living well into our eighties." "But big pharmaceutical companies, they won't make any money if we just get a flu shot and jog and get on with our lives." "They need to make up fake diseases, sell us fake pills with 40 side effects that make us take 40 other pills." "And you know okay, I'll just how about this?" "You're at home, you take a day off of work." "You're taking a nap in the middle of the day." "Heaven on earth, as I call it." "You're watching a "Law  Order" marathon, a good one, the old ones with Jerry Orbach." "[applause]" "Yeah." "I knew you guys were great." "The old good ones with Jerry Orbach, and you're like, "This is the best."" "And after, like, three episodes, you start drifting off to sleep, and you're like, "Oh, man, what a great day."" "Then, the daytime TV commercial comes on," ""Do you have mesothelioma?"" "[laughter]" ""I don't know what that is."" "[laughter]" ""Maybe."" ""Yeah, is there a number I can call?"" "And that's all the commercial is, a goddamn 800-number." "They don't tell you what the disease is, they just ask you if you have it." "[laughter]" "Big pharmaceutical needs you to think you're dying, so they make shit up." ""Do you have a vaginal mesh that's recently" ""torn or come undone?"" "What?" "[laughter]" "What?" "Huh?" "What?" "[laughter]" "I don't even have a vaginal." "[laughter]" "Do I?" "Is that...?" "[laughter]" "Is that what mesothelioma is?" "[laughter]" "Not knowing where your vaginal is if you're a man?" "[laughter]" "How about when you get up to pee and they go," ""Do you pee more than twice a night?"" "And you're like, "Why?" "Why?" ""Why, what's wrong?"" ""Nobody pees anymore." "What's wrong with you?"" "[laughter]" ""Are you really peeing two times in eight hours?" ""Really?" ""You might be dying, bro." ""You might have bladder cancer," ""your prostate might look like a starfruit." ""I don't know, man."" "[laughter]" ""You're dying." ""You're gonna be dead soon."" ""Or, maybe, I had a venti Starbucks on the way" ""to my show when I had three bottles of water" ""at the show, and then I drove home." ""And now, my body's getting rid of all the liquid."" ""No, you're dying, no."" "[laughter]" ""You should take Flomax, bro."" "[laughter]" "And there's a pill, apparently, that big pharmaceutical companies have made so that you don't have to pee." "Like, don't you have to pee so you don't fucking...die?" "[laughter]" "Isn't that why people got catheters?" "Because they can't pee anymore?" "How great are those commercials?" ""Is your old catheter slowing you down?"" "[laughter]" "It's kinda supposed to, right?" "[laughter]" "I didn't know I could have a new, sporty catheter." "I could be out in the yard with the neighborhood kids playing slot receiver." ""All right, only tag me on my right side 'cause" ""you guys know I got that situation, right?"" "[laughter]" "It's a catheter." "Slow down." "Nobody pees anymore." "That's what they try to convince you." "They want you to take a pill so you don't pee more than once in, like, 24 hours." "That can't be healthy." "Oh, oh, my gosh, have you ever seen the commercial for Flomax?" "It's amazing." "Eighty-year-old men in khaki pants, and they're out on a boat with no toilet." "And there's no symbolism on it." "That commercial has no symbolism whatsoever." "Eighty-year-old men out on the ocean surrounded by water." "And they have fishing rods where their dicks go, and they're laughing." "[laughing loudly]" ""Whoo!" "Yeah!"" "[laughter]" ""I haven't peed in two weeks, man."" ""Yeah!"" ""Hopefully, I catch something." ""You know what I mean?"" "You're like, "Whoa."" ""I want Flomax, I want a boat."" "[laughter]" ""Do you have restless leg syndrome?"" "What?" "Come on." "You made that up, big pharmaceutical company." "Restless leg syndrome?" "And they show you on TV." "They're like, "No, it's serious."" "[laughter]" ""It's a serious disease, same as, like," ""cancer, like, it's bad."" "And they show you on TV a lady laying in bed, and they go, "You know, a lot of people suffer from it." ""They don't even know it." And they show a lady in bed and she's rubbing her legs together like this." "And they're like, "She has restless leg syndrome." ""She needs a pill."" "And you're sitting there watching it going," ""Oh, no."" "[laughter]" ""I'm doing that right now."" "[laughter]" ""I got a lot of diseases I didn't even know about." ""I gotta stop watching daytime TV."" "The most amazing commercials ever are anti-depressant commercials." "The balls that swing low on these companies when they try to sell us a pill to keep us from being depressed is astounding." ""Have an anti-depressant."" "First of all, they come on and they say, "Are you depressed?"" "And you go, "No."" "[laughter]" ""I'm pretty happy, actually, all the time."" ""Are you sure?"" ""Yeah, I'm sure."" ""You know, depression affects one in four Americans,"" "and you're like, "Wow, whoa." ""I didn't know that."" "[laughter]" "And then they show a lady in front of the frozen food aisle with an empty shopping cart." "She can't even figure out what lonely meal to put into her lonely cart." "[laughter]" "It kind of looks like it's raining inside the supermarket, you know?" "People walk by her, they get, like, ice on their elbows, and they look back her like," ""Why did you give this to me?"" "[laughter]" "And then the voice-over goes," ""Depression affects everybody."" "And you're like, "Okay, now I'm depressed, yeah." ""What do you have?"" "And they'll tell you the name of the drug." "I don't wanna get sued by pharmaceutical companies, but I will tell you I have personally been on an anti-depressant, and I had to get off of it, and it's amazing." "This is what's incredible about an anti-depressant:" "the side effects." "Swollen feet, balloon hands." "your throat might close, your teeth might fall out, you might go bald, irrational thoughts, suicide, depression whoa, whoa, I'm sorry... [laughter, applause]" "Did you just say out loud that the side effect of my anti-depressant might be depression, you scumbag you?" "[laughter]" "What kind of business person are you?" ""Hey, try our new inhaler." ""Side effects might include asthma."" "[laughter]" ""Try our condoms." "Only one in five people get syphilis."" "An anti-depressant should not cause depression." "That's depressing to think about." "[laughter]" ""And in rare cases, death."" "What?" "!" "Death." "They say that on the commercial." ""In rare cases, death."" "Let me tell you guys something right now." "Death is never a side effect." "[laughter, applause]" "Ever." "Death is always the effect." "If you're allergic to nuts and you just ate, like, 14 gallons of nuts, and then you died, they wouldn't go," ""Hey, maybe it's a side effect."" "No, they go, "This guy fucking died."" "[laughter]" "Actually, maybe death is the side effect." "If you think about it, if you wanna get morbid, death is a side effect to every single thing." "The moment you're born, death is a side effect." "You're gonna live to be 88, you're gonna die." "Being born death is a side effect of birth." "Tonight, you guys'll die forty years from now, and you'll be like," ""I shouldn't have gone to that show." ""It fucking killed me."" "[laughter]" "So, just two ways of looking at it." "I wanted to get off my anti-depressant that I was on for a very specific reason." "I called my doctor to get off my anti-depressant, and I said, "I wanna get off my anti-depressant,"" "for a side effect that I'm gonna mention in a moment." "And my doctor actually said to me," ""Don't quit!" "Wait!"" "And I'm like, "Whoa, what?" "'" "She says,"You take two pills a day." ""I want you to break one pill in half." ""Take one and a half pills for 30 days." ""After that 30 days is up," ""I want you to break that pill in half," ""and I want you to take one pill for 30 days," ""and then break that pill in half," ""and then take half a pill for another 30 days," ""and then that morning, call me."" "What the fuck poison did you put me on?" "!" "[laughter]" "A 90-day detox for an anti-depressant?" "People quit cocaine in an afternoon, what is this?" "[laughter]" "The reason I wanted to get off the anti-depressant is because there's a side effect they do not tell you about." "And this is for the men." "If you're on an anti-depressant, the one I was on, specifically, that I won't say out loud because" "I don't wanna get sued there's no nice way to put this." "You can't cum." "crowd:" "Oh." "Yeah." "[laughter]" "You cannot ejaculate, ever." "Not even, like, Russell Brand could pull it off." "[in British accent] "I don't what happened." ""There's a beautiful, streaming ribbon of white effluvia that I want to encapsulate" ""in my partner." ""You're hoping against hope," ""a Herculean task," ""that God will part the beautiful skies" ""and allow the faucet, the spigot, to be turned" ""a little bit to the left" ""and let something flow from the tiniest," ""yet, I might argue, the most important," ""orifice in the human body."" "[cheering]" "You can't ejaculate, ever." "For like eight months, I kept trying." "And it's not cool." "You're not like, "I fucked her all night, man."" "No, you're calling your friends like, [worried] "I fucked her all night, man."" "[laughter]" "Now, remember, I last 16 seconds in a row." "All of a sudden, my wife has an 8-month run where nothing's coming out." "I fucked my wife until she was shorter." "[laughter]" "Smoke came out of her ears and her eyes." "And about two months in, she said," ""Why do you keep doing this every night?"" "I said, "I don't know." "I'm happy."" "[laughter]" ""Real, real happy."" "The best show that you can watch during the day is "Dateline:" "ID."" "It's an entire network where every single show is about murder." "Every single show." "And the names of the shows are" ""Murder,"" ""Murder Next Door," "Murder Behind Mansion Walls,"" ""Millionaire Murder,"" ""Who the Bleep Did I Murder?"" ""I Almost Got Away with Murder,"" ""Murder to Electric Bugaloo,"" "that one I made up." "[laughter]" "It's murder all the time." "It's amazing, and it's hosted by a guy named Keith Morrison." "He narrates all of these shows." "His job is to narrate and walk you through murders ." "And he's the best at it." "[laughter]" "He's like Dr. Seuss." "He comes out and he goes," ""Yes, something was brewing at the local Waffle House."" "[laughter]" ""Yes."" "[laughter]" ""But it wasn't the coffee."" "[laughter, applause]" ""What was brewing?" ""Murder."" "[laughter]" "You're like, "Bro, you have my full attention."" "[laughter]" "It's amazing." "I want you to pay attention to these shows on "Dateline:" "ID.,"" "Keith Morrison, specifically." "When he says the word "or,"" "he never wastes that word." "The most heinous, vicious, violent thing is coming right behind it." "He'll never say, like," ""She went downstairs to make laundry" ""or to make breakfast for her children."" "No, never." "If you hear Keith Morrison say "or,"" "[laughter] just white-knuckle grab something 'cause something wicked is coming right behind it." ""She went downstairs to make breakfast for her husband" ""or..." ""to slit the throats of all three of her babies."" "What?" "!" "[laughter]" "How did that get past the censors?" "[laughter]" "You can' t show a cock on HBO, but you can slit baby throats at 11 in the afternoon when I take my Spanx off to stay home from work with my Hello Kitty t-shirt on?" "[laughter]" "Yike!" "Murder, every show is about murder." "It's always a white woman." "[laughter]" "Always, every show." "And she's always named Patty." "[laughter]" "If you're a white woman tonight, and your name is Patty," "Go home right now, just get a head start [laughter] 'cause it ain't gonna end well." "It's always a white woman." "White women, congratulations, you lead the league in getting murdered by your husbands." "I've never seen a black woman," "I've never seen a Latina," "I've never seen an Asian," "I've never seen an Indianeither kind ever." "It's always a white woman named Patty that gets killed by her husband." "And my wife pointed this out to me." "When you get killed, everybody says the nicest things about you." "You could've been the biggest asshole that ever walked Planet Earth, but if your husband takes your head off, they rewrite history 'cause they wanna be on television." "And they want Keith Morrison to say "or"" "in your living room." "[laughter]" "They say two things every time if you get murdered." "The one thing they always say" "There'll be some lady that worked with Patty at the bank, and she sits down, and she's on TV." "I want you to pay attention to this now." "They always say this, they always go," ""She was one of these people that really lit up a room."" "[laughter]" "Really?" "I saw Patty's wedding video." "I saw Patty when she was a chunky cheerleader." "I saw Patty the day before" "Patty's a fucking five, tops." "Let's not rewrite history because she got killed." "Patty lit up a room?" "Patty with the crooked tooth and the crunchy bangs?" "Are you out of your minds?" "Patty sucks, fuck Patty." "I'm glad she's dead because I'm having a great time watching Keith Morrison." "I don't like Patty, and I met her 14 minutes ago." "[laughter]" "If Patty was so bright, how come she couldn't outrun a ball-peen hammer in her own driveway?" "That's not... [laughter] bright person activity." "The other thing that they always say, always, is they say, "No one had anything bad to say about her."" "[laughter]" "Are you sure about that?" "[laughter]" "I'm just saying, because by my math, there's at least one guy." "[laughter]" "There's one, at least that had such bad things to say about Patty words weren't working for him anymore." "[laughter]" "He needed the woods and time to get his point across." "And whoever kills his wife, they always look like Norm MacDonald." "[laughter]" "It's amazing." "That's not a knock on Norm." "Norm's, like, a super handsome guy, 1950s, beautiful good looks." "Beautiful, sparkling blue eyes." "But any guy that kills his wife looks like Norm." "They interview him in, like, his jail cell." "He's like, "Hey, you guys know my wife Patty, right?"" "[laughter, applause]" ""Ah, yeah." ""Ah, it was about a year ago," ""I decided to take Patty, uh, camping."" "[laughter]" ""Yeah, way out in the woods there." ""You know, real far out in the woods." ""Me and Patty all alone" ""out there in the woods."" "[laughter, cheering]" ""Yeah, I brought a whole bunch of bottles of red wine" ""'cause, I don't know if you saw this at the trial," ""Patty's a real bad alcoholic, you know."" "[laughter]" ""She drank too much." ""I hate Patty, you know."" "[laughter]" ""I put rat poison in the red wine, you know," ""tried to kill Patty," ""but I don't know how many rats equal to Patty."" "[laughter]" ""So, I just had to ballpark it, you know?" ""And I was loading up the truck," ""she was like, 'Hey, come on.'" ""I was like, 'Oh, I'll be right out.'"" "[laughter]" ""I did the best I could." ""I figured each bottle of wine," ""I figured Patty is about 41 rats."" "[laughter]" ""But I was wrong, you know." ""She just kept drinking and talking all night." ""You know, just wouldn't stop talking after all that" ""rat poison red wine I gave her." ""So, I cut her head off, you know."" "[laughter, applause]" ""Eh," ""'cause I hate Patty."" "[laughter]" ""Let's be honest," ""she doesn't exactly light up a room."" "[laughter, applause] [cheering]" "Grazie." "Ladies, it is very easy to tell if you're going to get murdered by your husband." "[laughter]" "That sounds morbid, but you need to hear me out." "If you get killed by your husband, shame on you." "[laughter]" "I can't get up to pee in the middle of the night without stubbing my toe, having three yorkies and malteses barking at me, turning on a light and falling down, and my wife going, "Are you okay?"" "Now, all of sudden, I'm supposed to let you bleed out in my garage for four days, have three interviews with cops with blood on my tie." "At some point, you have to go," ""I'm in here!"" "[laughter]" "Let me tell you something, ladies." "Draw a 55-mile circle around your house." "This is my don't-get-killed test." "Draw asounds morbid." "Draw a 55-mile circle around your house." "Not literally." "That would make you fucking crazy." "[laughter]" "You'd get about a block and a half." "You'd go, "I ran out of chalk."" "[laughter]" ""My knuckles hurt."" "[laughter]" "Figuratively, draw a 55-mile circle around your house." "Everything you do, every relative you give a shit about, every Christmas, every Thanksgiving, tonight, all happens inside that 55-mile circle." "The moment your husband asks you to go that 56th, 57th mile, [whispering] he's going to kill you." "[laughter]" "You're watching a marathon of something on TV and your husband walks in and goes," ""Hey, you know what?" "We should go on a cruise." ""It leaves in, like, 18 minutes." "We gotta leave now."" "Don't go." "He's taking you on a cruise to kill you." "Nobody goes on a cruise for any other reason except to throw fucking Patty off the back in the middle of the night." "[laughter]" "Cruises are just floating murder parlors." "That's it." "Nothing good ever happens." "Every once in a while, a husband on "Dateline:" "ID"" "will get murdered by his wife, and it's the same 55-mile rule that I just told you guys about." "And, guys, you gotta be hip to this." "Be careful." "You're in the garage working on your car, your wife comes in and goes," ""Hey, do you wanna go out?" ""You wanna go out in the ocean and learn to scuba dive?"" "[laughter]" ""Sure..."" "Get a divorce right there." "She doesn't wanna scuba dive with you." "She wants to kill you." "There's not a woman in this room that wants to scuba dive with a man in this room." "You know who she wants to scuba dive with?" "The big muscle-bound Italian guy that she met on the cruise ship that you took her on to murder her, but you chickened out." "She won't." "She will not." "[laughter]" "She will pull that off with a plum." "Murder ain't shit to a woman." "Women give birth." "Women have ten-pound babies come out of their vagina holes." "You hand a woman a knife and she just stabs a guy." "She's like, "This doesn't hurt me at all." ""This is easy."" "[laughter]" ""I have four children." "I thought I was going to die." ""I just keep stabbing?" "Oh, I'm done?" ""I didn't even know I was done." "It's so easy."" "[laughter]" "Murder isn't shit to a woman, and she'll get away with it, too, unlike you." "You'll be in the ocean, and you'll be in all your weird scuba gear, and you'll be all clumsy and shit because you didn't wanna go in the first place, and she talked you into it." "And she'll go, "Come closer,"" "and she'll pull your mask off and pull out your oxygen." "And she'll stab you in the ball bag with a dive knife." "And as your blood drifts off to the shark's nostrils, she'll kick you out into the ocean." "But, before you get too far away, she'll take your oxygen tanks off of your back, and then she'll get back onto the ship and hang them up in your cubby where they're supposed to go," "and then she'll sign you back in." "Your wife learned your signature, like, four years ago." "You know that, right?" "[laughter]" "She'll sign you back in, and then she'll find a guy that's kind of your height back on the mainland in Mazatlan, Mexico, to wear your Laker hat in the lobby of the hotel for the cameras like this... [laughter]" "Just kissing a stranger." "The guy's like, "This is the best vacation ever."" "[laughter]" "A little "Weekend at Bernie's" action going on." "Just walking around with a stranger." "And everyone will say," ""Well, it couldn't have been Patty." ""She's right there hanging out with him in the lobby."" "And what happens?" "Four days go by." "Your body washes up in the Panama Canal." "[laughter]" "And they find you." "And there's some Panamanian detective, and you're laying there in, like, one foot of water with your Def Leppard t-shirt and your denim cut-off shorts." "And the detective edges his buddy and goes," ""Look at this asshole."" "[laughter, applause]" "I love you guys so much." "Thank you, I love it." "[cheering]" "Yeah!" "I love it!" "[cheering, applause]" "Thank you very much." "Amazing." "Thank you so much." "Thank you, thank you." "I love you, man." "I love you." "Thank you very much!" "Thank you, thank you, thank you!" "[cheering]" "Wow!" "So much fun." "Thank you, everybody in Santa Barbara." "Thank you very much." "Thank you!" "Thank you very much." "I can't get up to pee in the middle of the night without stubbing my toe, having three yorkies and malteses barking at me, turning on the light and falling down, and my wife going, "Are you okay?"" "Now, all of a sudden, I'm supposed to let you bleed out in my garage for four days?" "Have three interviews with cops with blood on my tie?" "At some point, you have to go," ""I'm in here!"" "[no laughter]" "We're gonna fill that." "[laughter]" "Katz, we fucking better." "[laughter]" ""You wanna just add laughter" ""where it doesn't go, man?"" "[laughter, applause]" ""Don't you want it to be authentic, man?"" "[laughter]" ""Shoot it, man."" "Now available on the lolflix app"