"Hello." "Now, I thought your people didn't eat cows." "I thought yours don't eat cheeseburgers." "Well, we've suffered so much already." "I feel it's my destiny to induce positive change in my tribe." "Beginning with a cheeseburger progressing to extreme sports and police work." "Hey, fellows!" "Who's a good doggy?" "Yes, you are!" "Hey, doggy!" "Where did you come from?" "Found him on the street, doesn't have any tags." "Just this gold necklace." "Must have belonged to the Armenians." "Not hairy enough." "Man, get that beast the fuck out of here." "Shh!" "You're scaring him." "It's okay, Mr. Sweaters." "Yeah, who's our tough little watchdog?" "You are." "Yes, you are." " Oh my God!" " Oh shit!" "Oh my God!" "Let go of me!" "Oh my God!" "Get it off me." "Bad Mr. Sweaters!" "Off!" "Off!" "Cheeseburger!" "Cheeseburger!" "Sanjay, stick your finger up his ass!" "What?" "I read it on the Internet." "If you stick a finger up his ass, it makes him let go." "Fuck you!" "Stick your own finger up his ass!" "Somebody stick their finger up his ass!" "Okay." "I'll do it." "Oh God!" "Oh God!" "Oh God!" "Wow!" "It works!" "Somebody call 911." "I've dog duty on my hands." "No, no." "Nobody call 911, all right?" "That bitch hate my toes!" "Judah!" "Dad's cologne?" "I found it in your bathroom, I'll put it back, I swear." "It's okay, sweetie." "It's just... next time you might not wanna use so much." "What reeks in here?" "Shane has a debate." "So, what?" "You're hoping to stink out your opponent?" "We're leaving in 5 minutes." "So go pee and get your notes and things together." " I need to talk to you." " What now?" "What now?" "Your SATs scores now." "You barely scored above what you would have gotten if you'd only signed your name." "In case you haven't noticed, I've been a little preoccupied." "You took the SATs weeks before the... thing." " Abortion?" " That." "It had nothing to do with your lousy performance." "I've spoken to Mr. Weinstock." " Who?" " You guidance counselor." "He says you can take the test again in 8 weeks." "I am not taking the test again." "Yes, you are." "Silas, you couldn't get into traffic school with those scores." "So?" "From what I've seen, you don't need a college degree to start your own business, right mom?" "Hey, Doug." "Oh shit!" "What kind of accident?" "Yeah, bye." "Uncle Andy is in the hospital." "What happened?" "I'm not sure, something with a dog or a sweater." "Can you take Shane to his debate?" " Yeah, I'll take him." " Thank you." "But in your car, I don't want him stinking up mine." "How is he?" "He's doing better since he got his morphine." " Have you found my toes?" " His toes?" "Dog ate two of his toes before Sanjay stuck a finger up his ass." "Why was there a dog at the house?" "Hello." "I'm Dr. Birdner." "Nancy Botwin." " Your husband?" " Brother-in-law." "Is he gonna be okay?" "Is he a dancer, a professional athlete or a foot model?" "None of the above." "Then he should live a normal life." "I wouldn't go that far." "You know, if you'd brought in the toes, we might have been able to reattach them." "Must find toes." " Conrad, where are the toes?" " The dog ate 'em." " The dog ate 'em." " Well, that's that." "When is he gonna be able to go home?" " Does he have insurance?" " Oh no." "He can go home now." "Hey, I didn't mean to blindsight you with Peter." "I just knew that if you met him, you'd..." "Have no choice." "See that he wasn't a threat." "I gotta go back to the house and clean up some fucking toe blood." "In keeping with the spirit of tomorrow's local elections, tonight's topic will be electoral college vs. popular vote." "Advocating the popular vote, Master Shane Botwin." "My argument for the popular vote:" "George W. Bush." "But that's against the rules." "How am I supposed to argue when he invokes the name of the worst president we've ever had and then just sits." "He didn't follow protocol." "Just go, Gretchen." "This is totally unfair." "I forfeit." "You suck." " Nice job." " This is a disaster." "What are you talking about?" "You made her totally lose her shit." "That's a win in my book." "I made her hate me even more." "Oh my God!" "You like that girl!" "I love her." "Does she know?" "Never even spoken to her." "Only kicked her." " Well, you know what that means." " What?" " You're gay." " Shut up!" "Forget it." "All right." "So, you really like this girl?" "Here's what you do." "I've done it." "Dad did it." "Uncle Andy does it all the time, sometimes it even works." "What?" " Say something to her." " Fuck you!" " Just do it." "It's not so hard." " Easy for you to say." "Not really." "All women are evil lying bitches but I'm trying to be the good big brother here so when she kicks the shit out of your heart," "I'll buy you a beer with my fake ID." "That idiot is gonna win." " People like Doug." " People are stupid." "They elected you head of the PTA." "Oh, please." "I was like" "Hitler in Munich." "Those dimwits were just hitching for somebody to follow." "You haven't lost yet." " Give me a clue." " I like to do it all by myself." "Wanna have sex?" "A sky high accessory." "Ten letters." "Orion's belt." "Oh shit!" "That's totally right." "Yeepee for me." "Thank you." "Nancy!" "Back off!" "Hey, I'm sorry." "And I hope that you won't let this little incident between us ruin our friendship." " I have to vote." " Nancy!" "My friend." "My client." "Thanks for showing off for me." "You know what?" "I need to review the bond issues again." "I'm gonna come back later." "She's gonna vote for you." "I'm gonna go cast my ballot." "Vote for yourself." "I'd hate to see you get shut out." "Mr. Wilson!" " Why are you smiling?" " Just wait." "Where's my name?" "My name is not on the ballot." "What the fuck?" " What did you do?" " Nothing." "It's just a miracle." "God loves me." "Where's my name?" "Excuse me, sir, only one person allowed in the booth at a time." "My name is not on the ballot." "Where's my name?" "What name would that be?" "Doug Wilson or Mr. Fuckyouson?" "You're responsible for this!" "I wish that I could take credit for this." "I really do." "Doug, I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation." "Yes, your wife is a cheating whore!" "Write me in!" "Doug Wilson, write me in!" "Wait." "Are you really gonna let him do this?" " Doug Wilson." " Mr. Wilson, I'm sorry." "There's a law that clearly prohibits any candidate from campaigning within 300 feet of a polling place." "Well, I'm not a candidate because my name is not on the fucking ballot, asswipe." "Asswipe?" "Vote for Doug Wilson, everybody." "Change only brings problems." " Doug Wilson." " Get out of here." "295, 296, 297, 298, 299, 300!" "Vote for Doug Wilson." "The riding candidate." "Change just brings problems." "You know it's true!" "Doug Wilson." "Who's your pal?" "Don't you just hate Celia Hodes?" "Celia Hodes has chlamydiae." " What's that?" " Job applications." " You already have a job." " Yes, I do." "Soon you will too." "If you don't wanna go to college..." "Work it is." "Not this again." "Starbuck's." "Cost Plus." "And Ben  Jerry's." "Agrestic is just booming with job opportunities for a young man with a high school diploma." "Mom, will you sign this?" "What is this?" "My letter of resignation from the debate team." "Oh, this is a proud day for mommy." "Why are you quitting the debate team?" "Personal reasons." "Would you like to share those personal reasons?" "No." "Don't be such a pussy." "Just go up and talk to her." " Talk to who?" " None of your business." "You two should talk." "Mother, son." "I'll catch you later." "Silas!" "Later, I promise." "We'll have a walk or something." "I'm going to school." "Who should you talk to?" "Gretchen." "And Gretchen's on the debate team." "That's why you were wearing dad's cologne." "Look, I already went through this with Silas." "I'm just gonna avoid her for the rest of the year." "Hey!" "I'm not gonna let you off the hook like that." "You have to be brave." "I hated your father when I first met him." "He slept on a futon." "He had a goatee." "He hit on my roommate." "But over time I got to know him and we fell in love." "I'm not saying you and Gretchen are gonna fall in love." "You might not even like each other if you'd spent time together but..." "You have to give it a shot." "Why do you always have to bring up dad?" "Yael." "Shalom." "How is my little man?" "Ow!" "God!" "Sorry, shooting pains." "Didn't they give you medication?" "Oh, I don't believe in painkillers, they're addictive, you know." "What can I do to make you feel better?" "How about letting me pitch instead of catch this time?" "Hello." "Hi, Syd." "Thank you." "It came down to 3 lousy votes." "3 fucking lousy votes." "He wasn't even on the fucking ballot." "You'll get him next time, tiger!" "No, there's not gonna be a next time." "I won!" "Hello." "I'll keep my concession speech short." "Fuck you!" "Oh, that's brilliant." "Apparently my husband is also your speechwriter." "No, I came up with that one all by myself." "I even have it memorized, you wanna hear it again?" "Fuck you!" "Fuck you!" "Fuck you!" "Loser!" "Speech!" "Speech!" "I won!" "I fucking won!" "That was not bad... for a skinny gimp." "I find your *** spot, didn't I?" "Hey, wait!" "Wait!" "Hang out." "I thought maybe we'd go again." "I have a life, you know." "I can't spend all day in bed like some people." "Okay." "Okay." "Well, will you come by later?" "I have a lot of work at school." "When do you think you'll be back?" " Everyone misses you." " Yeah, about that." "I think God has a different plan for me." "What are you saying?" "I'm saying now that I'm partially toeless, there's no way I could be sent to Iraq." "So I'm thinking" "God wants me to do something else besides study for the rabbinat." "I'm thinking maybe he wants me to open a microbrewery or daytrade in oil futures." "You can't commit to anything, can you?" "Don't say that." "I'm committed to you." "Nothing changed between us." "I trusted you." "I put my job on the line." "I thought you had ruaj." "I have tons of ruaj." "I'm filled with it." "No ruaj!" "Scrowny selfish little pig!" "I did everything for you!" "Fuck!" "Quit it!" "That dog should have bitten your dick off!" "Yael!" "Yael!" "Shit!" "Who am I?" "Yesterday, I was councilman Doug." "I could park anywhere." "I had cutsies in every line." "The bank." "The movie theater." "Up Thongs." "They gave me the 3 item combo for the price of two." "I got to drive the firetruck." "And now..." "I got nothing." "Tilt, nada." "I'm just another certified public asshole." "I'm sorry, Doug." " It's not your fault." " Actually, it is." "I never filed your intent to run papers." "They were on my desk at work, I..." "I had them all filed out and ready to go, but then I got fired." "I threw them into a box when I cleared out my office." "Then I got tazered and I..." "I guess I just forgot about them." "I don't know what to say." "I'm really sorry." "What?" "I said I was sorry." "I completely fucked up." "But now it is time for us to pull ourselves together and do some serious soul searching." "Jesus!" "You fucked up." "Why do I have to soul search?" " You ruined my life." " But..." "Get the fuck out of my office." "I've got pot." "Amazing pot." "Get out of my office." "So here we are." "What's your plan?" " I want in." " In on what?" "I want us to do this together, I think we would be good together." "Are we gonna start a band?" "I wanna help you sell pot." " No, no way, next plan." " There's no next plan." "I can't get in a decent school," "I'm not working at Starbuck's jerking lattes for minimum wage." "So it's the only thing that really makes sense." "I'll tell you what makes sense." "Going to Junior college, doing well, transferring to a decent university makes sense." "Face it, Nancy, I'm no genius." "I'm not gonna grow up and be a doctor or a lawyer." "But I am good at other things..." " Silas." " I could help you." "Silas, I will never ever, ever let you get involved in what I do." " I just won't." " I already am involved." " This conversation is over." " You're such a fucking hypocrite." "Yes, I am so live with it." "You know, you think you're protecting me but you're not." "You're not protecting me from a goddamn thing!" "Hello." "Nancy..." "Nancy, I left you a message." " What did it say?" " Hi." "It said that uh..." "I have Tim." "My son, tonight." "Yes, Tim." "Hi, Tim." "What she doing here?" "I thought it was just gonna be us." " Don't be rude." " I'm sorry." "Bad timing." "I should be going." "Nice to see you again, Tim." "Peter, I'll call you." "No, no, no." "You should stay." "Tim and I were just gonna play a game of..." "Carcasse or something." "Carcassone!" "It's inspired by the medieval town of Carcassone in southern France which is famous for its formidable city walls and..." "That sounds so exciting." "Didn't even let me explain." "I'm just not really good at games." "My mom is." "I guess she's a lot smarter than you." "Yeah, I wouldn't doubt that for a second." "Go set out the game." "Sorry." "No, I'm sorry." "It's my fault." "I should have checked my messages." "He goes back to his mom in the morning." "Dinner tomorrow night." "Great." "Dad." "We're gonna play or not?" "Just a sec." "You're twice as smart as his mom." "Conrad." "Can I join you?" " It's your house." " It's yours too." "No, I'm just a night watchman." "You're my partner." "Whatever you wanna call me." "I came here..." "How is it that I can live for 36 years, pack everything that's important to me and fit it into a duffelbag?" " You packed a duffelbag?" " It's in my car right now." "I came here to say..." "You came here to say you're sorry again?" "You can still walk away if you want." "Nancy, don't take me to dinner with your husband one night and then tell me I can walk the next," "I know I can walk." "I know that." "Are you gonna walk?" "I'd be all alone." "You got your husband." "It's a business arrangement." "You've got your friends, your kids." "Shit, I've got a fucking duffelbag." "Sometimes I wish that's all I had." "No, you don't." "Sometimes." "I love my kids." "I love my kids more than anything but sometimes..." "I think what would it have been like if they died when Judah died?" "What it would be like not to have to worry, to be only responsible for me." "And free." "How nice that might feel." "How horrible is that?" "I'm an awful, horrible person." " I can't go home stoned." " It's okay." "I can't be stoned in front of my kids." "2 hours." "You'll be be clean in 2 hours." "If this shit is gonna have your name on it, it'd be kinda weird not to try it." "At least once." " I love my kids." " I know you do." "They're my life." "One hit takes the shit rolls it back." "Two... takes it out the house." "You packed a duffelbag?" "If I was going, I'd be gone." "What are we gonna do for 2 hours?" "Watch the grass grow... literally." "Sounds like fun." " Dean." " Yes, councilwoman Hodes." "You're gonna have to stop smoking pot." "I can't have you getting busted." "I am making Agrestic a drug free zone." "Warn your dealer."