"ANIMAL HOWLS" "ANIMAL HOWLS What the fuck was that?" "There's another dead chicken!" "Those teeth marks." "It's a fox." "Just an idea, mate, but why don'tyoutry?" "Just an idea, mate, but why don'tyoutry?" "No offence taken, Will." "We're all a bit trapped." "Ithink we should shoot it." "Farmer's job for a farmer's gun." "Farmer's job for a farmer's gun. (TOM) Me?" "Shoot a fox?" "SCREECHING" "GUNSHOT" "GUNSHOT CHEERING" "You didn't think I'd do it, did you?" "You didn't think I'd do it, did you?" "Course I did, mate." "You didn't think I'd do it, did you?" "Course I did, mate." "Mwah!" "(GRUNTING)" "Yah!" "(BREATHING HEAVILY)" "Running's a lot like having sex." "Mostly train on your own." "(GRUNTS)" "Whoops..." "OK." "Right." "We used to have these industrial bins at school to clean out the kitchen scraps." "This one's clean." "Yeah, cleanish." "Kids are geniuses." "We used to have this boy at school." "Er, his dad had died and, er...mentioned it in all the tutor groups, there was a big hoo-ha." "His name was "Dad's Dead" for the next six years." "Only black kid at school - wasn't a very diverse place - "Pubic Head"." "I was called "Fin"." "I've got, um, upper limb phocomelia." "It literally translates as "seal-like limbs"." "So maybe..." "Nah, well, none of these nickname things ever make much..." "Anyway, right, so." "Yeah, um..." "Luke, can you bring that gaffer?" "Um, just tie my feet together." "Yeah, just..." "Cheers, mate." "Right, really tight, right round the ankles." "I mean, it was shoelaces at school." "Yeah, that's it." "And the secret is, they would always put you in arse first." "So here we go..." "Whey!" "Ooof." "Hah!" "Yeah." "So, I mean, even the more agile kids would have had a problem getting out of this." "But with my arms, not a chance." "Kids are geniuses." "Fin in the bin. (LAUGHS IRONICALLY)" "Morning." "Look, sun's out." "Come on, chicken time." "(WILL) So, the greatest film about disability ever made?" "Oh, I..." "Ah, Jesus!" "The pig's shit." "WILL GROANS" "I don't know, ah..." "The one with the There Will Be Blood guy?" "What, My Left Foot?" "Definitely not." "And, by the way, spacking up is the blacking up of the 21st century." "(LAUGHS) I like that." "Come on, fat boy, move." "All those straight people playing disabled people, you know." "What's Eating Gilbert Grape, Blind Witness." "I Am Sam." "I Am A Cunt more like." "Right." "Yeah, um, I haven't heard of any of those films, so..." "That's it." "Move, move." "ET." "What?" "Yeah." "ET." "The greatest film about disability ever made." "Stunted, stared at." "Glowing finger." "Feels like an alien." "Where don't you see the parallels in that?" "Feels like an alien?" "!" "He is an alien, you eejit." "(AS ET) Remember..." "Yeah, but then the government get hold of him." "The scientific community do loads of experiments." "I mean, that is a parable for eugenics, innit?" "You've put a lot of thought into this, haven't you?" "Well, yeah." "I suppose I have." "LOUD GRUNTING" "This is like a pig rodeo." "Dan, this is disability stuff, it's useful." "Oooh, you're teaching me now!" "I've always wanted a teacher." "Ever since I left school and didn't want a teacher." "We have to know who we are, otherwise we don't know who we are." "Carrie says the mainstream's overrated." "Carrie?" "She's an ostrich." "She doesn't know who she is." "My head is in the sand." "My head is in the sand." "What's that?" "You sound disabled?" "I can't hear you!" "My head is in the sand!" "So much shite and so few eggs." "We're going to starve here." "If we don't ask, we don't challenge." "If we don't challenge, we might as well roll over on our back and say," ""Look." "I'm less than perfect." "Shoot me now."" "Will, I'll shoot you any day you want." "Thanks, Dan." "Is that it?" "Yeah." "(SIGHS) What are we fucking doing wrong?" "MUFFLED MUSIC THUMPING" "I like to work in different parts of the house cos it makes me feel kinda..." "We fell out with another disability charity." "Can't tell you which one because we're still in litigation." "So me and Steve, we set up..." "One simple aim, compensation reassessed." "RINGTONE PLAYS # Free-ee-ee...free Mandela... #" "Dad. (CANCELS CALL)" "Hardly Barack Obama, is it?" ""Change is gonna come."" "More like, "What do we want?" ""Thalidomide compensation tied to the wage index, not the price index." ""When do we want it?" "Now, but also back-dated to the 1970s."" "Not very catchy, really." "I'm all right." "Oops!" "Helps if I switch it on." "A lot of people know we were compensated." "So I suppose they think we're millionaires or something." "After all, you do see a lot of flids on yachts with top hats and dinner jackets." "BEEPING" "Ah, what's gone wrong now?" "OK." "My mum took it three times in one week during the first trimester." "And here I am." "Oh, my God!" "This is actually the 15th letter I've written to Claire Pocock." "BEEP" "Oh, God." "What's going on?" "Bloody printers." "I'll do it later." "MUSIC GETS LOUDER" "Some of it gets into quite, er..." "Sorry, hold on a minute." "Shut...up!" "MUSIC TURNED DOWN" "Students!" "Live next door." "The walls are very thin." "HORN TOOTING" "Shit." "Oh, God." "You staying for a cup of tea?" "Dad." "Hey.Cup of tea?" "It's Fair Trade." "No." "(BOTH) Why not?" "I've got...other places I need to..." "Don't you want to meet the cameras?" "My new career in show business?" "Looks like I've met them." "OK." "Dad?" "Dad?" "..You could at least make an effort." "How's your mum, Will?" "Why don't you come in and find out?" "Ex-missus." "Recycling." "WATER RUNNING" "Clean recycling." "Post." "Post was on the mat." "Go and keep your mum happy." "Are we gonna go out in the car later?" "Yeah." "I need to be back by nine." "We will make the most of our time together." "I wasn't saying we wouldn't..." "Look, go on." "Keep her happy and tell her not to tidy anything up." "All right?" "Go on, go on." "One elephant." "Two elephants." "Three elephant." "Four elephant." "Yah!" "Ten." "RINGTONE PLAYS # Free-ee-ee...free Mandela... #" "Yeah?" "Yeah, well, Julie came round." "Yeah..." "Yeah, yeah, I know visiting hours..." "Yeah, I told you we were coming." "I said I'm coming round later with Jake." "Well, of course I want to see her." "Listen, Dad." "I've got to go, OK?" "Yeah, you too." "Yeah." "Bye." "Tea's up." "Robert?" "Fine...  ..I think." "I haven't seen her in seven months." "She's not fine." "I'm getting?" "That's all right." "She needs more information." "Er, what else do you want to know?" "about cancer?" "I am 'ere." "No." "Look, he's 17." "He'd probably get excited." "Probably get an erection." "Dad!" "Really, I am here." "When I was that age, everything gave me an erection." "You gave me an erection." "Yeah." "I know." "That went well, didn't it(?" ")" "You look nice." "you aren't washing properly." "You sure you're OK?" "Yeah." "Um...just..." "Dad?" "(SIGHS)" "It's trying to be egg-fried rice." "But we didn't have enough cooking oil or butter to actually fry it." "I'm really sorry, guys." "(TOM) It's fine." "We'll all leave the island svelte and beautiful." "OK, I arrived like that." "But for fat buggerlugs over there, it'll be a remarkable achievement." "(WILL) No, he's right." "It's fine." "I think it's the dog's bollocks." "I think you're the dog's bollocks." "Seriously, I've tasted a lot worse." "(CARRIE) Come on, guys, I think the time's come to make a phone call." "What's up now, Grumpy?" "The time has come to make a phone call." "Saying what?" "Saying we're out of suntan lotion, what do you fucking think?" "Saying we need more supplies." "Saying we're starving." "Let's not give up yet, Carrie." "It's not giving up." "Asking straight people for help." "Please, sir, can I have some more?" "You're pregnant." "You're meant to be eating for two, not none." "Pregnant!" "Leave my belly out of it." "At least if we starve, I've got something to eat!" "Anyway, I've heard foetuses taste like roast pork, so..." "Come on, just a few more days, yeah, guys?" "I've got a feeling the chickens are gonna turn around.Don't you, Dan?" "What?" "(CARRIE) I can't eat this." "I'm actually quite hungry, if we're having a vote." "No." "We're not voting." "We're fine." "I'll go after her." "No, leave her." "Leave her!" "Funny how the person with the smallest belly is the greediest..." "I just don't think we should ask for help." "Yeah, we heard." "Is Carrie's plate going spare?" "Mmm." "Maybe we should just kill a pig." "Now, be honest, who else salivated when Gabby said foetuses taste like roast pork?" "What's eating you?" "Very funny." "I'll take three guesses, but I'll only need one." "Gabby?" "She fancies you." "No..." "Are you jealous of Gabby?" "Tuh." "No!" "It's kind of a bit school playground, but I like it." "Maybe yous two should wrestle." "In oil or mud?" "What's wrong with both?" "(SHE LAUGHS)" "I like you being jealous." "When did I become not the fun one?" "I'm normally the fun one." "You are the fun one." "Not with that lot." "No." "OK..." "Are you not hungry?" "Yeah." "I'm hungry." "Then grow some balls, would you, and defend me sometime!" "Oi!" "I have huge balls." "Why do you think I'm in a wheelchair?" "I'm serious, Dan." "Yeah." "I know." "Dad!" "(LAUGHING)" "Arghh!" "Oh, he gets the ball." "He does one man." "Oh, this kid's unbelievable!" "He's Ronaldo!" "Maradona." "Lines up...to take the shot." "And Butcher comes in for a tackle. .." "Arghh!" "(JAKE LAUGHS)" "I felt that in my rectum." "(WILL LAUGHS)" "Come on." "All right?" "What, you having a game?" "Yeah." "This is my dad." "Wh..." "What's happened to your arms?" "Fuck!" "Fuck!" "What's happened to my arms?" "(LAUGHS)" "No, he was poisoned, as a kid, as a baby." "Poisoned?" "Yeah." "(WILL) Come on!" "Come on, Jake, yes." "Aw!" "You all right, Dad?" "Yes, I'm fine, thank you." "Come on!" "Come on, Dad." "4-3." "Yeah, well, the next one wins it." "Look out." "Here's the Hoff!" "(LAUGHING)" "I can't even do that." "Jake." "In space." "Come on!" "Here y'are, back, one-two." "Through, through." "(SHOUTING)" "Go on, Dad..." "Go on, Dad." "Shoot." "Go on, make a run." "Shoot!" "Yah!" "Goa-a-al!" "Lazio!" "He ain't gonna start doing cartwheels, is he?" "Dad..." "Dad!" "Dad..." "Hey." "Fancy a beer?" "Um, no, I'm good." "No, no." "You got anything to smoke?" "No." "That's cool, no biggie." "Right." "Winner takes it all." "OK, mirror." "Handbrake." "So, these are my offices." "I thought you might like to see..." "Well, I say offices, more like a room really, but it's something." "Steve." "Steve?" "Yeah, so... ..those are the offices where it all started." "Not that..." "Where it all began." "No nukes!" "No nukes!" "That sort of thing." "Well, not that sort of thing at all, really." "But I told you all of that." "You've got all that already, so..." "Yeah, Jake's known Steve since he was a little kid." "Yeah." "He bought me my first pint." "Yeah. could probably get him done for that." "Get him arrested." "Dad, are you all right?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "Come on, let's go." "Don't worry about it." "Worry about what?" "Steve or whatever." "Don't assume..." "All right, whatever." "Just drink it out then." "So, um... how's it going with...that girl?" "Lucy?" "Yeah." "Do you mean my girlfriend of two years, Lucy?" "Yeah." "How's it going with her?" "Yeah, it's good." "She, um..." "She wants to fuck me." "(WILL LAUGHS)" "How's about that then?" "What?" "Jimmy Savile." "Oh, it was before your time." "Yeah." "Is it the first time?" "Fair enough." "First I would advise the missionary position, followed by doggy style." "Then, something I do with my hip." "What I call the left-arse rotation." "(JAKE LAUGHS)" "What advice do you want?" "Just remember to be enthusiastic." "Well, you know Robert's always giving it the "Be sure to wear a condom."" "Oh, right..." "OK." "Well, in that case don't bother..." "if you can...with a condom." "You've waited 17 years!" "Get her to go on the pill for this one." "Well, you asked for my advice." "Look, condoms are for one-night stands." "The only advantage of having a long-term relationship  is the fact that you can come inside her." "And have a wank beforehand." "That makes it...better." "Is that actually true?" "Hey, don't think I can't, but I can put a condom on, you know." "(JAKE LAUGHS)" "RINGTONE PLAYS" "(WILL HANGS UP)" "Granddad?" "Yeah." "(WILL BURPS)" "Three, two, one." "(LAUGHING)" "(TOM) What's happening?" "(DAN) Carrot malfunction." "We've grown a mutant carrot." "It's a very small cock with fake tan on it." "Oh, I've always wanted one of those." "We can't do this." "We need help." "(APRIL) Guys... we've had a call..." "on the satellite phone." "(DAN) Is everything OK back home?" "Will, perhaps we should talk in private." "Is my son OK?" "If we..." "It's a simple question, April." "Is my son OK?" "Your son's fine." "Your mum's died." "Cor!" "I thought it was my son." "(DAN) Will?" "Yeah, she was ill." "At least it's not my son." "Dad, do you think it's safe?" "You're quite pissed." "When I do my hands, do the stop." "OK." "OK." "TYRES SCREECH" "Ohh, that wasn't very good." "Ohh, that wasn't very good." "Yeah?" "That was quite slow." "Just pull it up on this kerb." "And the magical mystery tour continues." "What?" "I was born in that house." "Yeah." "Gran and Granddad moved before you..." "This place is not so special." "But this road round the corner..." "Darley Avenue." "I used to walk up this street on my way to school." "I loved it." "I used to think there was glass in the road." "Well, we had all these shiny bits..." "I don't know." "Nah, it's nice." "It's...shiny." "They, um..." "Steve doesn't want me in the organisation any more." "What?" "He said I've been sending inappropriate letters." "What letters?" "To a pharmaceutical company." "I made threats." "I'm not ashamed of it." "I'll say it on camera." "I threatened the MD's children with..." "I threatened to poison them." "So he'd feel it, so he'd know what it is." "Because the amount they're offering us is ridiculous!" "It's disgusting." "RINGTONE PLAYS # Free-ee-ee!" "Free Mandela...!" "#" "Was that Granddad?" "Yeah..." "Yeah." "Is she going to die?" "Gran?" "Yeah." "Cancer's terminal." "Dad, I'm sorry." "People die, Jake." "CAN RATTLES" "Toughen up." "You're gonna need the key." "I need a drink." "What are we looking at?" "April has killed one of the pigs and poured its blood onto the ground." "Nice." "She's now dipping her fingers in it and rubbing the blood all over her naked breasts." "Urghh!" "None of us knew Rita personally." "Rita?" "Was she born in black and white?" "But we know that she gave birth to a beautiful son..." "Hey?" "How's Will looking?" "Like he's just had his balls ripped off." "That good, right?" "(APRIL) A chance for us to mourn." "So let's take a moment to close our eyes and have a little prayer." "(STRAINING)" "Thought I was meant to be learning how to drive." "This is the harsh reality of driving." "Walking?" "!" "Walking?" "!" "Shut up and push." "You know..." "I could live with you." "What?" "Where did that come from?" "Well, I could live with you." "I mean, we spend some good time together and..." "I could live with you." "I already see quite a lot of you." "I already see quite a lot of you." "Well, yeah, but..." "And you definitely see enough of me." "I just don't like living with Mum." "She's just too..." "I'm your son too." "who sees you once every fortnight." "Robert's your dad." "Right." "I'm sorry." "I've got a life, so..." "I'm sorry." "I've got a life, so..." "ENGINE REVS" "Dad, it's fine." "Really." "Get in the car." "And your mum's great." "I'd do anything to live with her... if I was you." "She loves you, and that's not to be underestimated." "Dad." "Get in the fucking car!" "Don't say anything." "Was I saying anything?" "I'm helping us to survive." "These beans represent a week's ration." "We only need to get to 90 days." "What's up, duck?" "Will's got a unique way of dealing with the death of his mum." "He's going to starve us all." "Do you know how little nutrition man actually needs to survive?" "With just the basics." "Yeah, we'll be a bit hungry..." "We'll be more than hungry." "And we're not making the most of this vegetation either." "With a little bit of experimentation... (TOM) We'll all become lesbians." "No." "We'll eat a dodgy berry and die." "No." "We'll eat a dodgy berry and die." "Look." "Don't you get it?" "They want us to ask for their help." "They NEED us to ask for their help." "(TOM) Luckily, we have the lesbian community to turn to." "We can do it!" "No..." "We can all do it!" "No." "We can't." "Why don't you shut the fuck up, Carrie?" "(DAN) Will." "Please." "Stop picking on Carrie." "Please." "Stop picking on Carrie." "No." "Look, Dan..." "Will." "It's time to admit defeat." "Let's make that phone call." "Well, I didn't expect that from you." "All right." "So it's three ver..." " (DAN) I agree too." " And so do I." "Right." "Well, I hope you'll all be very happy(!" ")" "Yes, boss, as long as you be the master, we do whatever the fuck you want!" "All right, everyone calm down or I'll send you all to bed." "Why don't you fucking shut up?" "Na-na-na!" "Always with your fucking mouth." "On and on and on!" "With your mouth, mouth!" "Fuck off!" "Will!" "If you're asking me to give you a blow job, the answer is a sad no." "Hey!" "Hang on." "That's enough, right." "Come on." "Will?" "(APRIL) Will?" "No!" "SIREN IN DISTANCE" "# MUSIC ON RADIO #ou make me feel so good. #" "Give it here." "Give it." "Are you gonna go in?" "In a minute." "When your mum was pregnant..." "With me?" "Mm." "With you." "When she was pregnant, I used to have this dream, more or less every night." "A nightmare." "A nightmare." "Great." "I was a nightmare." "She was having a baby, and I'd look down, and instead of you coming out of her, instead of that, there'd be a dog coming out of her." "And I'd see its yappy face and I'd try to... push it back up her." "Trying to push it." "I'm a horror film." "And then I realised it wasn't a dog, as I'm pushing." "I realised it's you." "That's what my dad saw." "A dog coming out of my mum." "Me coming out of my..." "I can't even see her." "I haven't spoken to her in such a long..." "She used to tell me to overcome." "Used to use a capital O. Overcome." ""Don't be a man with little fucking arms..."" "Fuck." "And if you moved in with me, by the way, that's exactly what you'd see." "In fact, I'd probably drag you down with me." "She's dying in there." "And she so wants to see me and I can't even..." "We'll take as long as you need." "Dad, I want to help you, but I just don't know how." "Well, that's wrong for a start." "(GROANS)" "(WILL) Oh..." "Please... (SOBS)" "Argh!" "(YELLS)" "Tell you what, this sand doesn't get any easier." "Yeah?" "You..." "OK?" "OK?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "Because, um... what you done in there was..." "Yeah, I know." "I'm sorry about your mum, mate." "Yeah." "You know that's the last of the beers, right?" "My home brew'll come good." "Yeah." "It's important..." "Us being here." "It's important." "I mean, we've got to be here for a reason, right?" "No." "We don't." "Well, I came on this island to prove something." "I came on because my dad thought it was a good idea, and I thought it was a good idea to get away from my dad." "It's a freak show, Will." "We're all freaks on an island." "It's a modern-day freak show." "So relax." "Just enjoy it." "No!" "Yeah." "Totally, yeah." "So, er..." "I think I've got the hang of it." "The Matrix is the greatest disability show ever... ..because Keanu Reeves is retarded." "Have I...?" "This is going to sound shit." "But have I taught you anything in this place?" "About ET?" "Plenty." "About you." "About who you are." "What you are." "Did you ever think you..." "were gonna be a great man?" "What?" "Great man?" "No." "No." "I don't...think like that." "The thing is, when you spend your life aiming for greatness and someone ta..." "And I'm not saying..." "But..." "Someone..." "I mean, if I'm not trying to... be great, then what am I doing?" "Are you OK, mate?" "That's the thing, innit?" "I don't know either." "Come on." "Will." "Will!" "I don't need a teacher." "You're my mate." "Will?" "Come on." "Leave him." "What are you doing here?" "Time to let him get over his male menopause on his own." "It's deeper than that, Carrie." "Yeah?" "Well, let him drown." "Where are we going?" "This way." "And...why are we going this way?" "Listen, Sir Lancelot, surrender control and all will be revealed in time." "OK?" "Sir Lancelot?" "Sir Lancelot?" "Yeah." "Should I think of some sort of joke about that?" "Some sort of pun?" "Some sort of pun?" "No." "Because... that's classic punning territory." "I know." "But...no." "CRACKLY RADIO PLAYS" "Hello?" "Is that Will's musky scent I'm smelling?" "Will's masculine manner?" "I can tell it's you." "You have a swagger to how you walk." "I can hear it, like a donkey." "Clip-clop." "Clip-clop." "You really are a man's man." "Come on." "Speak up." "Will?" "Will, I know we don't get on or really like each other, but..." "You're scaring me." "And you're better than that." "Wow!" "Is this...?" "You didn't have to step in today." "I had Will under control." "But..." "I like that you tried." "So is this... a reward?" "This is spontaneity." "On toast." "With bunny ears on." "You wear bunny ears?" "Give us a hand." "I will never wear bunny ears." "This is what you want it to be." "Right." "Sir Lancelot." "Right." "You do want to, don't you?" "No." "No..." "I mean, yeah." "Yeah." "TELEVISION IS ON" "What are we watching?" "I don't know." "How are you feeling?" "I don't know." "I'm sorry, Mum." "Sorry for what?" "I don't know." "Sorry for not coming to see you more often." "That's OK." "Yeah." "Sorry." "It's OK." "PIG SNORTS" "Fuck!" "Fuck!" "PIG SQUEALS" "(SOBS)" "Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd"