"Hey, Matt, how come you don't have any female friends?" "What?" "You know, friends that don't feel like men when you rub them." " What are you driving at?" " Nothing." "I was just saying..." "Yeah?" "Well, if I was you I'd watch my tongue." "(GULPS)" " Anyway, what's the point?" " Well, you know, Matt, women have a lot of different perspectives on life and a unique emotional intelligence that their male counterparts don't possess." "Really?" "I read that in Cosmo magazine." "It was the only one they had at the vet." "See, I couldn't afford a dentist, and my tooth is as big as a rabbit's foot." "Some say that's... (WIND HOWLING)" " After you." " No, after you." " I insist." " After you." "(RICH SCREAMING)" "Adios." "Dickhead." "(WOMEN GIGGLING)" "Hey, do you girls read Cosmo?" "I do." "# I can't be in love if it's plastic" "# To live on my own just seems tragic" "# But we'll raise ourselves high when our day comes" "# You thought it was gold but it was bronze" "# So, get here in time... #" "So he's climbing up this ladder, gets to the very top." "His fingers fall off, loses his balance and falls into the fish tank." "To which the Irish guy says," ""So, does that mean you're not the Pope?"" "Okay, I've got one." "Speaking of fish, as we were." "A man walks into a fish and chips shop, says, "I'll have fish and chips twice."" "And the bloke behind the counter says..." ""I heard you the first time."" "Good one, Mr Rich." "Speaking of fish, as we were, this blind man goes to a brothel, right, and he..." "MATT:" "He doesn't finish Ken's punchline and then he just bursts straight into mine." "After all I've done for him..." "Introduced him to the club, fed him whisky and women." "Who the hell does he think he is?" "I may have to kill him." "...right?" "So he takes one long sniff and he goes... (INHALES) "Hello, ladies."" "You can't half tell them, Mr Rich." "Okay, okay." "What did the fish say when it swam into a cement wall?" ""Dam!"" "You're a funny dude, Ken." "All right, you couple of joking brothers, I've got one." "What did the thirsty whale do?" " Dunno." " No?" " He bit the tail off a submarine..." " And sucked out all the seamen!" "(CHANTING) You!" "You!" "You!" "That man has just signed his own death warrant." "He is now officially a dead man." "That's right, dead." "You heard me." "Dead." "What?" "Yes, dead." "Consider him dead." "Oh, he's dead." "Definitely dead." "You!" "You!" "You!" "You!" "Hi." "I was told to come back on Wednesday to pick up the silver cowboy boots." "And who asked you to do that?" " Whomever I spoke to on the phone." " Did you get a name?" "No, I didn't." "What is this, déjà-fucking-vu?" "You want to cool your jets, big man." "And watch your language while you're up there." "Is it just my face, or..." "Every time I walk into a shop to hand over money, all I receive is backchat and ball-ache." "If you feel let down, you're more than welcome to try somewhere else for your silver cowboy boots." "I don't want to look elsewhere." "I just want the silver cowboy boots!" "Hell's teeth, man!" "Slam your fist down in front of me one more time and see what happens, wee man." "Okay." "This is your Get Out Of Shop Free card." "Or, you can slam your fist down again and enter another world." "(HEARTBEAT THUMPING)" "(GROANS)" "Fucking..." "(GRUNTS)" "(GROANS) No, no, no!" "Mmm... (MOANS)" "(MOANING LOUDLY)" "(CLEARS THROAT)" "Oh, hi." "The therapist is going to see you now." "Good." " How do you do?" " Hi." "I want you to feel as comfortable as possible, so please, feel free to sit anywhere you'd like." "Okay, thanks." "(SIGHS)" "I'd really like you to sit on the sofa." "Okay, so, the thing is, my girlfriend..." "Feel free to start at any time." "Okay, so, the thing is," "I can't seem to shake this overall fear I have of commitment to one woman." "The moment I find something meaningful, I just want to destroy it or run away." " Exactly." " Right." "You're so open and free with your girlfriend that it's causing you to be closed and constricted." " Is that good?" " It's so good, it's bad." "I'm not following." "You're saying my problem with..." "You need to stop talking." "Go on." "Right." "Well, maybe I'm fearful of becoming trapped in a relationship," " even though it's great." " I think I know what your problem is." "I don't know what's the matter with you!" "Well, I guess I'm just on the fence?" "Ah." "You're so on the fence that you're actually taking a stance about being on the fence." "No, I'm just on the fence, goddamn it!" "Why do you keep contradicting yourself?" "I am so not contradicting myself." "Yes, I am!" "Yeah, this isn't working." "Goodbye." "Wait, I'm so sorry." "(ANGRILY) Get the hell out of my office!" "(NICELY) Come back!" "(ANGRILY) You goddamn piece of shit!" "Brad, send in my next client, and have him stay outside." "(MOANING ON PA)" "Thank you." "Asshole." "# Rot rot hobba hobba ding dong do" "# Hobba hobba do a day" "# Rot rot hobba hobba ling long log" "# Everything went dog Everybody!" "# Rot rot hobba hobba ding dong dog... #" "MATT:" "Rich." "Rich." "Rich!" "(CLEARS THROAT) Uh, Roger," "I was going to sing your favourite song this evening, but unfortunately, I don't play the banjo." "Lucky for you!" "(ALL LAUGHING)" "Wait, there's more." "So let me just say Roger, you're not getting older." "You're getting..." "Oh, wait." "You are getting older, you two-balled bitch!" "Happy birthday!" "MATT:" "What a prick." "I can safely say that has to be the worst speech I've ever heard." "He's an idiot." "This is going to be a piece of piss." "The room will be mine." "All right." "Calm down, calm down." "Okay." "Roger, it's been an emotional evening." "Even the cake's in tears." "(LAUGHS LOUDLY)" "Shit." "That was my best one." "My God." "Uh..." "I'll do a limerick." "That never fails." "As we all know, Roger is a keen swimmer, and I understand you're off to Aruba to swim this weekend." "I'd like to leave you with some words of wisdom in the form of a limerick." "A macho young swimmer named Dwyer" "Really liked playing with fire" "One night in the dark" "He swam with a shark..." "And his voice is now two octaves higher!" "(ALL LAUGHING)" "Well, that's it." "He's dead." "(GIGGLING)" "Fuck!" "Fuck!" "Fuck!" "Enjoy." "MAN ON BENCH:" "Fuck!" "(MOANING)" "Look at that woman over there." "No, you (BEEP)." "By the estate agent's." "What?" "The woman?" "RICH:" "She wants to buy a house." "You're so naive." "Are you still reading those women's magazines?" " Yeah!" " Yeah." "You see, where you see champagne, I see (BEEP)." "She clearly wants to be picked up." "RICH:" "What makes you such an expert?" "I wasn't made an expert." "I was born one." "Watch this." "So, why would a beautiful woman like you be looking at flats in a neighbourhood like that?" "(SPEAKING FRENCH)" "What does that mean?" "It means "Why put bay windows on a shithouse?"" "Clearly, a woman as beautiful as you would be living in Kensington Gardens." " Really?" "You think so?" " I don't think so." "I know so." "That's exactly what my boyfriend was saying the other day..." "Fuck you!" " Can I help, sir?" " Fuck!" "I'm not familiar with that neighbourhood." " Fuck!" " Can I give you my business card?" "Fuck!" "Fuck!" "Fuck!" "Fuck!" "Fuck!" "Fuck!" "Fuck!" "Fuck!" "Fuck!" "The heart is pure." "The mind is pure." "(PANTING)" "Oh!" "Fucking hell!" "(GRUNTS)" "Oh, my good God!" "That's disgusting!" "Where the hell have you been?" "Greece." "Oh, I got you this." "Man, I am in some serious poo-shit." " I've gotta see Belinda." " Who?" "Do you remember that nurse I met when we had that amazing night at Belushi's?" "(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)" "(YELLS)" "No." "Well, we went out a few times after that." "Anyway, two weeks ago, she asked me to look after her dog." "So I go by her flat, and then I stick the dog in the trunk of my car." " Why on earth did you do that?" " It was a short trip." "So, I get a fucking flat on the motorway just as Ricky from The Office is driving by." "And he says "Hey, leave your car there," ""I'm going to Greece, why don't you come with me?"" ""Fuck yeah!" says I." "Okay, so that was two weeks ago." "Oh, God." "The car's still there." " With the dog in it." " Yeah." " With the dog in..." " Yeah, yeah, yeah!" "I'm in Fuck City!" "Belinda's gonna skin me alive!" "I don't know whether to puke or piss, but I gotta piss." "Calm down." "Okay, what you did was stupid, cruel, and unusual, but it wasn't your fault." "Deliver this." "Hold on!" " Wait for a reply." " All right." "Jesus." "Kill that bug out of your ass." "(MAN VOMITING)" "Hey, Ken." "Better out than in." "Come on, man." "Remember what I've told you." "Not bad, Wormwood, but you've got a weak left foot, and it always lets you down." "I'm a fool to myself, Sir Charles." "You really are." "Oh, hello, Mr Rich." "You look ill." " I've seen better days, Your Highness." " That must be for me." "(GASPS) Good God!" "I'm an animal lover, but there's a black humour at the heart of this I just can't ignore." " What say you, Wormwood?" " Hell's bells." "Well, I hope Greece was won'th it, mate." "Hey, how did you know I went to Greece?" "Never mind that." "Listen, Wormwood." "I'm slightly peckish." "You couldn't just, uh..." "Say no more, Master Highness." "So, Mr Rich." "Describe this dog to me." "Well, he's a Scottish terrier, he's got little black eyes, a short tail, cute little ass." "Anything like that one?" "(WHIMPERS)" "Fuck me with a stick!" "Scruffy!" "Well, that was quick, Wormwood." "Now, Mr Rich, would you do me the honour of staying for supper?" "As you can see, there's no dogs on the menu." "Wow!" "There may be no dogs, but there sure are a lot of hot bitches!" " Mr Rich." " Sorry." "Can I still stay?" "Of course." "Yeah!" "Let's party!" "(DOG WHIMPERS)" "Hey, all right." "Let's get that thing off." "Let's get slaughtered." "What?" "Hey, I've got a third nipple." "Hi, how are you?" "Oh, been in the wars, it seems." "Yeah." "Uh, I'm a bit sore." "I'm not violent." "I'm really not." "It was me that was beaten up, actually." "I didn't think you were violent, babe." "Too smart for anything like that, I should imagine." "Well, I can't be that smart." "Every time I come in this shop, I seem to..." "Forget it." "I quite like the bruise." "It makes you look interesting, yet with a kind of naive charm." "Really?" "No one's ever said anything like that before." "Oh, I'm sorry." "I'm sure you didn't come in here to chat to me." " What did you want?" " No, it's fine." "I came in to pick up some silver cowboy boots." " Oh, so you're Matt." " Yeah." "I've got them here." "I picked them up myself this morning." "I think you'll look great in them." "# I've rolled with the punches" "# Graduated from the school of hard knocks" "# Seen the stars at the end of a fist" "# I tried to walk away but I couldn't resist" "# But that was the way till now" "# You put a spell on me and I don't know how" "# Something here is strange but I think I am in love" "# It's taken me some time I see heaven from above" "# As soon as you walked in I knew you were the one" "BOTH: # Well, I'm the only guy who can express himself in song" "# I can't be in love if it's plastic" "# To live on my own just seems tragic" "# But we'll raise ourselves high when our day comes" "# Here we have gold where we had bronze #" "Are you going to sing or what?" "I can't, man!" "You broke my fucking nose." "If I'm honest, I think you're making a fuss." "This won't stop bleeding." "I gotta piss." "(KNOCKING AT DOOR)" "Come in." "Come in!" "Hey, be cool, man." "I just came in to hang." "Sorry, uh..." "Matt Berry." "Yeah, it's great to meet you at last." "I've seen you a couple of times in The Body Shop, but I didn't want to bother you." "It's all cool swing." " You guys making a record?" " Yes, but I keep losing my tempo." "Kind of harbours the output." "(BOTH LAUGH)" "Hi." "I'm learning how to play the guitar so I can write my own songs without you hitting me." " Cool, man." "I'll give you lessons." " Oh, no thanks." "Mrs Winkleman from the local church is teaching me." "No offence, homeboy, but you could be shit, and not know one end of this bastard from the next." "Mrs Winkleman, however, does." " So you're turning him down?" " What do you mean?" "Just 'cause you don't like Winkleman..." "That's Jimi Hendrix, you idiot!" " It's all cool, man." " So fucking what?" "Here, asshole, catch this." "I bet you can't play Kumbaya." "(LAUGHS) I knew it!" "The stupid asshole's playing it upside down." "Didn't you learn nothin' in the projects, bro?" "As soon as I said that, I knew I was wrong." "I should have shown him more respect." "What did you say to me?" "Huh?" "Show me some respect, motherfucker." " Does this fatboy belong to you?" " Yeah." "He's not showing you respect because he doesn't know who you are, okay?" "I think we should all take a cool tool." "(WHIMPERS)" " Cool." " Cool." "(FARTS)" "MATT:" "It really was a truly memorable evening." "I was unconscious, he was naked, and the other guy was dead." "(ALL LAUGHING)" "Now, to call Andrew Lloyd Webber tight is an understatement." "I've seen this bastard peel an orange in his pocket." "(ALL LAUGHING)" "Some say that Andrew Lloyd Webber's ego matches his bank balance." "Well, if that's the case, Andrew, when you go to the bar, make mine a double." "(ALL LAUGHING)" "This is going well." "There's no way he's going to ruin my joke this time." "No way in hell." "I'm reminded of a joke." "How many composers does it take to change a light bulb?" " How many?" " I'll tell you, my friend." "The answer is five." "(MUFFLED SPEECH)" "(ALL LAUGHING)" "# Stick, stick, stick" "# Got to be quick, quick, quick" "# Buy your kids a stick, stick, stick" "# You can use it like a sword or a knife or a fork" "# But you got to be quick, quick, quick" "#And buy your kids a stick #" "Buy your kids a fucking stick." "# I'm taking control" "# Of your body # What?" "Yes!" "# Well, bless my soul # Oh!" "Shit!" "# I'm so hungry # Huh!" "Come on!" "# Slowin' it down # Yes!" "Ah!" "# Touchin' it up # Ooh, huh!" "# You're makin' those sounds # What?" "Uhh!" "# The sounds of love # Get!" "Out!" "# I'm taking control" "Oh!" "# Of your body" "(MOANING)" "(WOMAN SCREAMS)" "# Well, bless my soul" "(GRUNTING)" "# I'm so hungry" "# Smoothin' it down" "# Feelin' it up" "# You're makin' those sounds" "# The sounds of love" "# Ooh" "#Just right #" "Fuck!" "(MUSICAL ELECTRONIC BEEPING)" "Fuck!" " Fuck!" " Shit!" "(SWEARING IN TIME WITH MUSIC)" " Fuck!" " Shit!" " Fuck!" " Shit!" "Horse piss!" " Fuck!" " Shit!" "Horse piss!" " Fuck!" " Shit!" " Horse piss!" " Son of a two-balled bitch." " Fuck!" " Shit!" "Horse piss!" " Son of a two-balled bitch." " Motherfucker." " Fuck!" " Shit!" "Horse piss!" " Son of a two-balled bitch." " Motherfucker." " Fuck!" " Shit!" "Horse piss!" " Son of a two-balled bitch." " Motherfucker." " Fuck!" " Shit!" "Horse piss!" " Son of a two-balled bitch." " Motherfucker." " Fuck!" " Shit!" "Horse piss!" " Son of a two-balled bitch." " Motherfucker." "# I can't be in love if it's plastic" "# To live on my own just seems tragic" "# We'll raise our swords high when our day comes" "# We thought it was gold but it was bronze" "# So get me in time" "# When our day comes" "# You thought it was gold but it was bronze" "# Get here in time" "# When our day comes" "# You thought it was gold but it was bronze #" " Fuck!" " Shit!" "Horse piss!" " Son of a two-balled bitch." " Motherfucker." " Fuck!" " Shit!" "Horse piss!" " Son of a two-balled bitch." " Motherfucker." " Fuck!" " Shit!" " Horse piss!" " Son of a two-balled bitch." "NARRATOR:" "In the Snuff Box next time..." "Dancing bears, turbans, explosives, and snuff." "This is a snuff box." "# So if I should die of smallpox" "# Put my remains in my snuff box" "# If I should die of smallpox" "# Put my remains in my snuffbox #"