"Something tells me that my sister isn't home tonight." "That's T..." "like the letter, not the hot beverage." "Hello." "I'm Alice." "I brought my cake." "When's mom coming back?" "You aren't guarding your flower." "You mean a slut... a girl who sucks and fucks?" "I'm going to wash your mouth out with soap." "I am Buck, and I will fuck you sideways." "Remember that chick I scored with?" "Man, she was drunk as fuck, but I didn't let that stop me." "'Course, I got crabs." " Hi, sweetheart." " Hey, mom." "We want the kids to move in with us." "Tara?" "What the fuck?" "I wet the fucking bed!" "There may be a new alter." "It's animalistic." "Okay, you're making me sound like an evil, rabid squirrel." "I think I'm gonna wait three dates before I let a guy fuck me." "Nick Hurley, environmental lawyer, with whom I have a date tonight." "This thing I have with your aunt... crazy real, you know?" "Jason Maurio's auditioning?" "I think he's nice." "You're Marshall's bf." "I'm not anybody's bf." "You like girls?" "The shed's on fire!" "Sometimes, the strongest thing you can do is ask for help." "You can't get better until you know what happened to you." "At boarding school, she had sex with a guy she didn't want to have sex with." "His name is Trip Johanssen." "I'm glad you called." "It's been troubling me." "See ya, T." "You just called her "T."" "Tara was already a multiple." "So what happened with Trip wasn't what made Tara split?" "I want to go home." "I forgive you, mom." "The kids are getting pretty good at this." "They learned from Buck." "You know, it could get worse before it gets better." "I know." "Are you sure you want to do this?" "I mean, are we sure they're all gone?" "Yeah." "It's been three months." "I know I'm ready." "Something about this feels creepy and clandestine." "That's what we do best, son." "Okay." "How about we dump Alice first?" "Bonne chance, bitch." "Let's do T. next." "Hmm." "Yes, I'm sure that this will clothe some lucky child." "No, look, let's just do them all at once." "Let's just get this over with." "Really?" "Yeah." "Let's do it." "Bye." "Where'd that come from?" "Hey, a... are we sure this is a suicide?" "I hardly knew this guy, but I didn't think Hubbard was..." "Why does this feel like a small victory?" "Huh?" "I bet everyone thought I'd be the one to off myself." "Guess what, Oak Avenue." "The lady with all the personalities is not the most fucked-up person on the block." "You are now." "I'm gonna run with it." "I'm gonna freak people out... dress like Napoleon, pee on everyone." "Tara!" "So not funny." "I went through that phase in the '80s." "Oh, there's the body." "Yes, I... do." "N... no, I don't." "Yes, you do." "I never even met this guy." "Maybe this is like some sort of social wake-up call." "We should know our neighbors a little better, right?" "Yeah, yeah, right." "You're, uh, you're Ted, and..." "Ted Mayo." "This is my partner, Hany." "Hi." "We're the gays." "Everybody here knows that." "Yeah, well, we're the crazy family, and I guess everybody here knows that, too." "Pretty much, yes." "Well, we should do brunch or dinner this week or something." "I haven't entertained in forever." "Really?" "That'd be great." "We'll bring the appetizers." "Don't touch my mise." "I have it how I like it." "That is some weird sausage, brother." "It's linguica." "It's wasted on you." "How you feeling today?" "Great." "Hey, can you pick up some flowers for the neighbor dinner thing tonight?" "Sure." "Oh, I love you guys so much." "It's so cool that we're having breakfast together, just like old times." "Take your pinks and greens and the little white one?" "Yes, I did, lover." "And I'll let you know if I experience dizziness or the urge to operate heavy machinery or vaginal dryness or..." "Mom." "Okay, ho." "Just checking." "Is Charmaine bringing Nick tonight?" "Yeah." "She's in, like, stage 3 of mantrapment." "Are we supposed to pretend we like her?" "Ka... put on legal pants." "Just because you graduated early doesn't mean you get to lay around the house all day." "I'm not." "I'm job-hunting." "By the way, high school was just the easiest thing ever." "It was easier than those hygiene tests we had to take at Barnabeez." "Wish you'd graduated in the normal way." "I wanted to see my first kid in her cap and gown." "Well, I'm sure you'll see Marshall in a gown eventually." "Besides, I'm still going to college next year." " You think?" " You better." "So little in life is beautiful." "Hey." "Marshall." "You obviously belong over here, babe... in the fruit bowl, with the rest of us kids." "What?" "The fruit bowl?" "The gayble?" "You know, the gay table, where we all sit?" "Oh." "Attention, students." "Pep rally is tomorrow." "I'm straight, but not narrow." "He's cute." "He has a great face... and eyes." "He's almost like a Jonas." "Oh, he's such a Jonas." "Adorable." "I can't believe you wasted your time chasing boring, straight Jason Maurio when you could have had one of us." "You should do the gay carnations with us." "Oh, my God." "Shouldn't he?" "What is that, even?" "Well, you know how every year, they do that stupid sweetheart day, where the popular kids send each other carnations in homeroom?" "Red for "love," pink for "like,"" "yellow for "I jacked you off at church camp, and now I pretend like it never happened."" "Uh..." "Yeah." "They're reclaiming it." "I'm petitioning student council to do purple carnations for sweetheart day." "I mean..." "Why shouldn't we be able to express our feelings, right?" "Could just send red, red for "love."" "Love is love." "Not according to the government, Marshall." "When the legislation colors us all the same, then we'll use the same color flowers." "I'd rather just send red." "Okay." "Send a red carnation from your little closet." "Hmm." "Alice?" "Oh, my God." "It's an apron, okay?" "People wear aprons to protect their clothing." "Just 'cause I don't want to get pots de crâme all over my dress doesn't mean..." "Hey, I was just checking." "Well, I haven't transitioned in months, for the record." "Well, I never seen you wearing an apron before, and I never seen you making pots." "Well, we've got to impress these people." "We need allies around here." "And if it takes me using a small torch to accomplish that," "I will." "Did you like that song from "Slumdog Millionaire"..." ""Jai Ho"?" "Mm!" "I did!" "I loved that!" "Well, if you like "Jai Ho,"" "you should hear Hany sing some of his native songs." " Gorgeous." " Ted, don't make me sing." "Oh, come on!" "I'm not singing." " Come on." " Yes, you are." "Come on." "* and roll and push * * and push and push and push * * oh, yes, thank you for the clapping * * to the sky, to the sky, plant the seeds *" "Is this that thing where your sister... turns?" "No." "Unfortunately, that's just her." "* And shuffle it *" "Oh, and... and she's better now." "That "thing" that she has it's not hereditary." "It's, um..." "It's caused by trauma." "You know, sexual trauma." "* want to do it with me?" "Do it, do it, do it *" "* I am hot, hot, hot *" "Okay, come on." "Throttle down." "Oh, come on, everybody!" "Eh, just me." "Oh, I'm just pathological about performing." "When I was a kid, I was in the school agricultural pageant." "Shut up!" "This is Kansas!" "Anyway, I played a soybean." "Uh, I didn't remember my lines, and afterwards, my father, uh... my father, he goes..." ""Teddy, you're a disgrace."" "Just like that." "How could you fuck up playing a soybean?" "Hey." "Tara, what's wrong with you?" "I'm just teasing." "Thank God for therapy, right?" "Thank God for Shoshanna." "My therapist back in New York, Dr. Shoshanna Schoenbaum." "She completely fixed me." "Can a person be fixed?" "I mean, like a car or something?" "Well, she did her damnedest." "Is this serious enough?" "What makes you assume I'd know anything about fashion?" "Touchy." "Jesus." "Change your tampon." "I was just asking a question." "It's very dark." "Thought you hated those boots." "Well, I still hate them, but I think they look like spy boots." "You're really gonna be a spy?" "It says "capital," as in "state capital,"" "and "surveillance."" "And when I called them today, they seemed very secretive." "Wow." "Why would they want a spy whose only experience is in food service?" "I mean, what are you gonna do... spy on people with better jobs?" "No!" "Tara, this is awesome." "Oh, yeah." "Who knew so much fun could come in such tiny cups?" "And to think we get to enjoy this exquisite nespresso because Hubbard decided to blow his brains out." "It's so sad." "I love that house." "You know, I heard a rumor that Hubbard tried to slit his wrists first." "He dripped blood all over the house before he finally went for the gun." "Yeah." "Hey..." "Does anyone want to play apples to apples?" "Ooh." "The fun game of comparisons." "Hubbard did that?" "And I heard there were pills involved, too." "I got Pictionary." "Boring." "I guess he truly wanted to die, you know?" "I mean, you hear about people attempting suicide as a cry for help but they never really intended to kill themselves." "But Hubbard..." "I mean, he... really wanted it to be over." "He couldn't stand another minute of living." "Chinese checkers!" "I got Chinese checkers right here." "Yeah?" "Let's do it?" "Hello, there." "I am Jarrett." "How can I help you?" "I'm Kate Gregson." "Great." "Have you worked in collections before?" "Collecting what, exactly?" "Debt... collections." "This is a debt-collection agency." "Oh." "I'll give you the grand tour." "We work on commission." "You get 5% of whatever you collect, so you need to be money-motivated." "I suppose I am." "Can you get to "yes"?" "Where?" "I mean, are you persuasive?" "Can you get people to say "yes"?" "I'm a girl." "That's... sort of what we do." "Good." "Do I need to take a piss test?" "Oh." "No." "What you people don't understand is that this isn't a gay thing." "This is a human-rights thing." "No one's denying you your rights." "You're free to send a flower to whomever you want." "I would even describe this school as left-leaning." "It seems to me I hear more about your gay way than I do about the regular students around here." "I am a regular student." "A... a... and what about all the prom bullshit straight kids talk about for months?" "First of all, watch your mouth with the BS word." "Secondly, this whole conversation feels inappropriate." "This is a high school, not a demonstration in California." "Um, no offense, but I'm against gay marriage." "Okay, that's enough, Unique." "Lionel, if I were you," "I'd spend less time playing these adult games and more time being a child, which you are." "That's a no." "Uh, hi." "I'm Jana Hubbard." "Don Hubbard's sister." "Oh." "Uh, sorry." "Please come in." "Oh, don't worry." "I'm just in from Florida, taking care of the loose ends." "We had the wake today, so..." "Yeah, I, uh..." "I heard." "I did want to ask you a favor, if that's okay." "Sure." "Hey, what's up?" "This is Mr. Hubbard's sister." "Hi." "Anyway, I just packed up his stuff so we could put the house on the market as soon as they finish, um, cleaning it." "I just wondered if you'd mind keeping an eye on the house, bring in the mail." "Uh..." "The keys." "There's one on there for the car, too, just in case." "Oh, the old Deville?" "Will do, Jana." "Thanks so much." "Okay." "I am not gonna miss any of these people." "I ate lunch at the gay table today." "Don't draw in there." "Look!" "This guy's a freshman, and he has a full mustache." "Did he eat too much hormone chicken?" "That's Bill Fasano." "He's actually 20." "So, you ate at the gayble?" "Oh, man, that is so not your style." "I don't know if it is or it isn't." "It isn't." "Hey, so, Hubbard's car is still out there." "Death car." "That Cadillac?" "It's always been in that same spot." "I don't think the guy ever left the house." "Must have sucked to live like that, hiding all these secrets." "Maybe he was happy that way." "Sure, Moosh." "Mr. Hubbard was happy as shit." "That's why he took a bunch of poison, slit his wrists, hung himself, and then shot himself while he was hanging." "Hey, guys." "Me and mom, we're gonna go down to Cat Five's for a couple beers, okay?" "Hey, dad?" "Can you take me to the greenhouse tomorrow morning?" "Greenhouse?" "Yeah." "Okay." "Why don't you have a little more champagne?" "Oh, I've already had, like..." "N... no shit?" "Ohh!" "Is it a princess cut?" "Oh, my God!" "Um..." "like..." "Oh, okay." "Mm!" "Will you marry me?" "Yes, yes, yes, yes!" "Yes." "Oh, my God!" "We're supposed to watch over it?" "This whole thing with Hubbard's house is just bizarre!" "I know, but we might as well help his sister out." "Sounds like they got their hands full over there." "Can you imagine if a member of our family... ?" " It would be Charmaine." " Charmaine, probably." "No." "We didn't say that." "They won't find a buyer... not now." "Mnh-mnh." "We should buy that house... take out a second, pick it up for nothing." "You do not want to buy Don Hubbard's fortress of solitude." "Have you ever even been in there?" "Yeah, I was in there once." "It's kind of retro, kind of cool." "Hmm." "I never went in." "Seriously, nobody's buying houses right now." "You want to make a big, reckless purchase?" "Can I get you another beer?" "Now, how could I say no to you?" " So that's a "yes"?" " That is a "yes."" "I'm fine." "I'm on antipsychotics, so I'm taking it slow." "She was totally feeling you!" "Whatever." "She knows I'm here with my old lady." "Come on, let's buy this house!" "It's something we could do together." "It'll be our baby." "Pbht!" "I heard that buying real estate invigorates your sex life." "Oh, you heard that, huh?" "Mm-hmm." "Really?" "Want to buy a flower?" "Okay." "There you go." "You're here late." "Where's your man?" "I'm your man." "Can I get you something to drink?" "What would you recommend?" "How about a shot?" "I'll have one if you have one."