"The pleasure gardens of milliarcha v made it the Jewel of the inner rim for over five centuries." "It took nearly 48 hours for everything to change." "A great alien evil had enslaved the once peaceful planet." "For the high council, there was only one option." "Vanguard, the infamous mercenary was dispatched to face the entity responsible, the kragon, the Duke of raggidi, the butcher of barsa, destroyer of worlds." "Vanguard's orders were simple." "Eliminate." "Time for school." "I know." "He crashed hard." "Vanguard nearly broke the slave girl's fall." "She was straddling him now." "Face to face." "Seems I didn't leave this world early enough." "The air is still breathable." "Just the same." "Neither gained much ground." "They were almost evenly matched." "We are almost evenly matched." "Almost?" "I was weaned on the psychedelic gasses of raggidi prime." "I see their effect on humans is not unusual." "It would be a shame to waste so worthy an adversary." "The raggidi also find the gas to have a pleasing effect." "Vanguard peered into the evil lord's eyes, then back to the slave girl." "Then those eyes." "Then the girl." "Then the eyes." "And then the girl." "Then the..." "It all happened so fast." "A flash of bodies, limbs, flesh pressing together." "Their hunger knew no bounds." "Suddenly all the atrocities, the murderous tyrant had ever committed were nothing more than an afterthought." "Lust was the only thing on vanguard's mind." "Lust was all that mattered now." " A toast." "It's my good fortune to have a good fortune." "And I bring it all to you, most honorable heads of houses, prentiss and hollycotton." "And of course, your highly eligible daughters, one of whom I soon intend to wed." " He knew it was wrong." "" "Cheers." "But why did it feel so right?" "In the throes of passion, vanguard was quickly reminded of the debacle at the high council." "And with it, his previous conquest." "What's that?" "Nothing." "If it's nothing, why do you care?" "It wouldn't even make sense." "Really?" "Are you saying I'm dumb?" "No, there's just-- there's no context." "Neil, is that a diary?" "I don't know." "Neil won't let me see it." "Let me see that." "Hey!" "Senator zaxa approached vanguard, his eyes set on the soldier of fortune's engorged..." "Pelvic region?" "Mother of fuck!" "We should burn it." "We don't burn books, Jessie." "Fucking disgusting." "Many taxonomic groups don't actually have separate sexes, so hermaphroditism is a normal thing." "Now what Edward is handing out represents the sequential hermaphrodite." "In this case, the slipper snail." "It begins its life as a male." "But if the female population dwindles, then the largest male in the group will spontaneously switch genders." "I will pull your face off." "Oh, I'm shaking." "All right." "Stand." "You wrote this?" "Fuck no." "Julia, out." "Now." "Okay, who's the budding d.H. Lawrence here?" "Mr. shafer." "Let's chat after class." "Where's mom?" "She's at her book club thingy." "What book are they reading?" "What?" "At mom's book club, what book?" "Are you autistic?" "Who cares?" "Dad doesn't want to think about her stupid book club." "She's exploring interests." "Fuck that." "Maybe she's with an attorney." "Your mother is not with an attorney." "We're just figuring stuff out, okay?" " Like how to get divorced?" "" "Uh!" "What do you even know about divorce in the first place?" "You wanna start some shit?" "Whoa, what is that?" "Neil got caught with porno and now he has to see a counselor." "Porno?" "Like porno porno?" "I didn't have porno, idiot." "Really?" "Because, oh, it says right here-- lemme-- lemme see that." "Oh, Jesus." "I knew it was a bad idea to go there alone." "But my tire was low, and I couldn't make it back." "The gas station was closed and the lights were off, but the air compressor still took my change." "As I pumped new life into the flaccid tire," "I heard a voice behind me." "He was older, probably in his 40s, by the sound of him." "But I didn't dare turn around to check." "He pressed the pistol hard against my lower back." "Pushing, pushing it through my sweater until it bruised my flesh." "He told me to get down on all fours," "like a dog." "Thank you, Julia, that is enough." "I'm not finished." "Oh, you're finished." "Have a seat." "I have three pages left." "This wasn't the assignment." "Well, you assigned a confessional." "This didn't happen to you." "How do you know?" "Come on." "What?" "It could have." " Not likely." "Mr. snow, this is a narrative writing class and I wrote a narrative." "It is not your place to condemn my subject." "But it absolutely is my place to condemn inappropriate material." "How the hell can you call this inappropriate?" "You're not even qualified to judge." "You're a man." "So are you." "All right, okay, we're done here." "I need to see the principal." "Are you going to get him?" "Sign in and sit down." "Eww." "Pohl?" "Is that "starchild?"" "Yeah." "Pohl's only halfway okay when he collaborates with other writers." "Did you ever read "the space merchants?"" "Mm-hmm." "It's pretty good." "I think this one kinda sucks though." "I have something for you." "I didn't know you wrote." "Oh, i-- this- i didn't mean for- i liked it." "Are you in trouble?" "Yeah, I have to see a counselor." "Yeah, well, I'm here for enacting my first amendment rights." "I wrote an erotic fable." "Well, it was more of a parable." "It's a bit more grounded than yours, but-- you get the idea." "What?" "Do you write other stories, like, um-- like erotic literature?" "Mm-hmm." "All the time." "It's all online." "Really?" "Where?" "A riddle." "Eat me, drink me." "Well, good luck, young juvie." "Wait, you're leaving?" "Where are they?" "I don't think you're supposed to smoke." "My mom smoked when she was pregnant with me." "I don't think that's-- it's not like a myth." "It's a circulation thing." "No, it's fine." "We get it, shit ass!" "All right, where to?" "The mall!" "His was the way of the warrior." "Crass." "Uneducated." "But strong." "His abilities would prove useless in the enchanted forest." "Where the ancient inhabitants dwelled and recesses of one's own mind." "The hunter pushed forth unaware fain had been watching him from the moment he entered." "Neil!" "It's Neil, right?" "Are you watching me?" "No." "Well, yeah." "No, i" " I was just curious." "About?" "What we talked about the other day." "We talked the other day?" "Sorry." "Neil." "God, come back." "I'm fucking with you." "Um." "It's cool." "I write slash, too." "Yeah, I know." "I read your stuff." "All of it." "Your fan fic is amazing." "I see you got my code." "I do like what you did with the forest guard in "midnight come lately."" "They're really under utilized in canon." "Yeah, they're conceptually awesome, but I feel like nobody gets it." "It's like they're begging us to fix 'em." "You're doing what they wished they could do if they didn't have to answer to the publisher." "Yeah, exactly." "Mainstream success is for chumps." "You know, like, the wood spirit, and pagan gods and ritual magic?" "It's really..." "Sexual?" "Yeah." "It's so rich." "Organized religion just totally nut clipped everything that was great about traditional fertility rituals." "I mean, that's the only part about fame that I even give a shit about." "It's just a jumping off point." "It's funny that they think it's kid's stuff, but, like, there's all this subtext." "I know." "I bet we're the only two kids in this entire joint that know about what we know about." "It's kind of special." "You wanna ditch?" "School?" "No, I mean, you wanna dig a ditch?" "Let's go." "Oh, i" " I can't" "I have a test in social studies next period." "It's on the incas." "Well, it's not like a midterm or anything, so um yeah." "I let martine take my car to work, so we have to walk." "But it's just the mall." "Martine's crazy." "I mean, she's pretty much best friend, she's just sort of a bitch." "Is that-- is that the pregnant girl?" ""At frontier's rim?"" "I hate these things." "They never get the book right." "Well, I guess I'm lucky that fain hasn't made the leap to the big screen yet." "Just it pisses me off that whenever I see vanguard in my head" "that guy..." "Well, he's not your character." "I mean, that's why it's called fan fic." "Yeah, but." "You seen it yet?" "Like five times." "God damn it." "She's not getting off work until like 6." "Okay, I don't have anything better to do." "Will it be-- smell like..." "Will my parents be able to tell?" "You don't have to." "It's cool." "No, I mean, i want to, but..." "Thank you." "Uh!" "Shut your door." "Put your seat down." "Why?" "What, are you ashamed to be seen with me?" "I don't know." "I just" " I don't want to get into it." "There's too much backstory." "Mike holloway drove his truck through my mom's marigolds when I was ten." "Then he gave her the finger." "I am so stoned." "Heads up, knob-goblin!" "Uh!" "Hey, wake up!" "Let's go." "Move." "Move to the back." "Move it!" "Go to the back." "Okay." "Ow!" "I'm pregnant, bitch!" "You know, your arm's not pregnant, moron." "Jesus, I thought that was Mike." "You're really tearing through them these days." "Are you kidding me?" "Hi." "I just don't get what you guys are doing for an hour and a half in the parking lot." "Were you like blowing each other?" "We were talking about writing." "Whoa!" "Wait, you write that shit, too?" "I should have known." "Who do you have fucking?" "Harry Potter?" "Thomas the train engine?" "I just gotta know whose fictional dick is going in whose made-up mouth." "You can't even read." "Yeah, I can read." "I read all the time." "I read actual books for adults." "Not baby books." "Okay, name one." ""Wuthering heights," ass blood." "The bronte sisters wrote fan fic." "What?" "The bronte sisters." "Emily bronte, of "wuthering heights," wrote erotic fan fiction." "They're like pioneers." "Wow." "It's really good Mike isn't here to find out that you're still such a fucking geeeeeek!" "Dude, you know weed stays in your system for like two weeks." "On your clothes, on your jacket." "Leave him alone." "Hey, tomorrow, 2:00." "Let's meet in the courtyard." "We can drive around." "Bye." "Belzac and deron zaxa had been fighting for hours." "Sweat tinged the air of the war chamber." "That was the first thing vanguard noticed as he entered." "The bulge in his leather pants jumped to attention-- erect member out of-- suddenly, belzac reentered-- his mouth, usually only engaged in ordering soldiers to their deaths, now found its true purpose." "We will not stand for this." "If the trade union continues to block us at every turn..." "Block you?" "Block you." "Your armada destroyed the last- twelve." "Twelve shipments of illinium" "sent to parak menom." "Only 12?" "Now 13." "It's an embargo." "A legal embargo." "Odd definition of the word legal." "Actually-- -oh, so that's why you brought your..." "Muscle?" "You have nothing to fear from us, deron zaxa." "You or your muscle." "I will not be mocked aboard my own ship." "Hired ship." "It's his freighter." "What do I pay you for?" "Move!" "Whatever he pays you, we'll double it." "Allow us to show you what we'll pay you for." "I don't have all day." "Yes, sir, very busy." "You have a lunch at... 1300." "Christ!" "God!" "Zaxa's hand reached down-- down to his zipper." "The ambient humidity in the room reached a level that set off the climate klaxon." "But zaxa couldn't..." "Or wouldn't... stop." "Hey, Neil." "God I sucked today." "You were really good." "That accent is, it's out of control." "I think it's funny when you do it like that." "It's supposed to be a comedy, right?" "Yeah, I suppose you're right." "See, that's why i like you, man." "You always make me feel better." "So you get like touched inappropriately by the doctor?" "No, he just puts goo all over your belly." "It's not a big deal." "Yeah." "You have no clue how big a speculum is." "It's like three adult dicks glued together." "Sounds like me though." "Hey, snoop dog!" "Come here!" "Well, who's this?" "Julia's new boyfriend." "Jealous?" "For real?" "What's up, bro?" "I'm Mike." "Ow." "I'm Neil." "Well, I guess i owe you one, Neil." "You do?" "Yeah, for taking little miss elf quest off my hands." "She has been up my hole like 24-7." "Hey, fetus." "So long, kiddies, let's ride around." "Better not leak on my seats, martine." "I don't leak." "It all stays in me." "For like another two months." "Gross." "Hey, I wanna tell you about something." "There's a con in Houston coming up." "Like a comic con?" "Yes, like a comic con." "A big one." "The rabbit's hole is hosting a private mixer." "It's invite only." "Oh, yeah." "I think I heard of that." "Well, I got invited." "Really?" "Cool." "Yeah, there's a live read, too." "I mean, that's only for rock stars, so, I don't wanna be presumptuous or whatever, but I think they might ask me." "You can still get invited." "You just need to upload your damn work." "Yeah, but... don't you have to be 18?" "You're joking, right?" "I don't even know if my stuff is..." "I don't know!" "Come on, it's good." "You barely even read any." "Well, it's gotta be good." "I mean, you're so repressed." "That shit has gotta come out somehow." "Drop us off at Neil's house!" "Oh, man, I thought you were joking." "Exactly how i imagined it." "I guess it's pretty drab." "My mom's been kind of away." "Moment of truth." "Crack her open." "Julia, I didn't really mean for these to be seen by anybody." "Yes, you did." "Otherwise you wouldn't have written them." "I can't watch." "I thought you couldn't watch." "Sorry." "Oh, my god." "Do these girls actually wear space bikinis?" "It's ceremonial." "They were given-- it's not my idea." "Well, I just like that there's actual girls in here." "Wow, you are one twisted fuck." "I love it." "Ooh, prepare to be analized!" "It's not a toy." "It's not a toy." "That's so weird." "It looks like a toy." "You're gonna break it." "That's crazy." "Whoa!" "Say your space prayers, sucka." "Am I interrupting?" "Don't you knock?" "Um, dad is working late." "There's food in the fridge." "Where are you going?" "Oh, my band has a show." "What's your band?" "Dance or die." "It sounds awesome." "Yeah, well, it's pretty stupid." "I bet you're really good." "Just get out!" "All right." "I'm off." "I have to pick up Tim." "It smells like sweat in here." "What was that?" "I'm bisexual, just so you know." "Eww, she's not even gay." "All women are bisexual." "All of them." "My first blog, clitora majora, is all about it." "So, you ready?" "No." "For what?" "It's time to upload." "I don't think I'm ready." "Dude, they only send invites to writers who post." "And besides, writers, real writers, let people read their shit." "And your shit is good." "I mean, it's not as good as mine, but traditionally boys don't write very good erotica." "So, by those standards-- -okay, fine." "Just, stop talking." "Really?" "Oh, my god." "What are you like the one person on the entire Internet that doesn't lie about their age?" "Are you a mennonite?" "No." "I just, I don't want to misrepresent myself." "Okay." "I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that this is not about misrepresenting yourself." "You don't want to do this because once you do, you're one of us." "It's the final line." "The last taboo." "Well, there's no turning back, Van fan." "It's in god's hands now." "What?" "Can we just turn comments off?" "No, dude, it's part of the public record now." "You're killing me." "Let's talk about something else." "Literally anything else." "I like the way you eat." "Neil, when we were horsing around, did you get a boner?" "Like a little bit of a boner?" "No!" "Okay." "It's cool if you did." "I thought that you were-- what?" "Nothing." "It's cool if you popped a chub." "God, shut up." "Yo." "Where's martine?" "I don't know." "At the abortion clinic with her mom." "Wanna grab some food?" "We can go to footlongers and get some subs." "Watch "celebrity apprentice" at my place." "And by your place you mean your mom's basement?" "Yeah, whatever." "I got weed." "You wanna come?" "Whoa!" "What the fuck do you think I look like?" "A fucking full service food court?" "No, that's okay." "I've got math homework." "See, he's got math homework." "He's got a future." "Fuck you." "Neil, really great work today." "I have you nymph." "The hot breath is his voice in her elongated, elfin ear." "The ear that to nymph kind, seconded as a highly erogenous zone." "Fain was lost unto herself." "His name now known to her." "Michael." "Sir Michael." "My sweet Michael." "All right, so nicklepenny comes through the door minus his pants." "Hollycotton is surprised and crosses to l-6." "Mr. nicklepenny!" "I thought you were-- -across the hall?" "This mansion is still quite a mystery to me." "Oh, wait, wait, wait." "That's too much." "Reverse." "No, no, that's not right either." "Look, I have a test in 30 minutes, and I'm not going to fail because of your slow ass." "And how long did we wait for you to get off-book?" "Fuck you!" "I have dyslexia." "Miss Lewis, this is a tech rehearsal and I can't put up with her anymore." "I take dyslexia medication." "Jessie, take a break." "Neil, hey." "Neil!" "Huh?" "Could you be so kind as to relieve miss hunt for a moment?" "I can't put up with her-- can you imagine having to deal with her parents?" "So, Jessie tells me you're a writer." "You really freaked her out." "Oh, I didn't mean to." "Dude, that needed to happen." "This place could use some subversion." "Yeah, um, in ap English, we got to read Oscar wilde- so you gonna let me read it?" "Oh." "Okay, let's take it from the double entendre." "It seems that Horace has mistakenly taken my clothes." "Thankfully not all of them." "Yes, thankfully." "Oh-- it's cotton." "Cotton's a very versatile fabric, don't you think?" "Extremely pliable to a man's touch." "What appears course, now in my hands is so very, very soft." "Oh, my god." "Oh, listen to this, "deron zaxa, ever the orator, put his mouth to quite a different purpose now."" "Dude, this deron zaxa guy is you straight up." "Neil." "You do know he's straight, right?" "Thanks." "You're gonna have to drive my car." "Are you crying?" "No." "I'm pretty sure you're crying." "Never drink vodka from a plastic jug with a handle." "Okay." "Mike holloway is pure dick cheese." "Neil, I have something important to tell you." "Something I've been thinking about for a while." "I think you use too much flowery prose." "What?" "You say things like, "he stroked his velvet rod,"" "when you should be like, "he pumped his stone cock."" "Readers respond better to direct language." "Thanks." "I can impart the wisdom of our one year age difference, you know?" "Um, your mom has a lot of religious stuff." "Yeah, I think that's why my dad killed himself." "He was gay, you know." "My dad, he kept it to himself." "I guess he preferred death to coming out." "Man, do you really think being gay killed him?" "I don't wanna be here when my mom gets home." "What?" "Mom's home." "Stay here." "I" " I had to print something for work." "You know we've always supported your interests." "And the Internet is, wow, an incredible tool." "We don't have to do this." "I think what we're trying to say is just 'cause information is out there, doesn't mean it's accurate." "We just don't want you getting particular information, you know," "from the wrong sources." "I'm 15." "Hey, you can read whatever you want." "We're fine with that." "As long as you're reading." "Uh-huh, as long as it's not "mein kampf."" "But actually, well, "mein kampf" is actually a pretty interesting read." "Honey, I don't want you to feel awkward about this." "If you want to read intelligent prose on human sexuality" "I can make you a reading list." "Eww!" "No!" "What do you mean intelligent?" "Well, it's just whoever wrote that story on your computer, they obviously don't have the first clue about actual human relationships." "It's demented." "I don't think your mother's talking about" "the homosexual content, not particularly." "Please stop." "It's just more of a basic plotting problem." "You're absorbing material that has some rudimentary grammatical errors in it." "You've got sentence fragments, you've got dangling participles." "I actually have been helping Neil with his writing." "Huh." "He's got a lot of innate talent." "He just uses too much flowery prose." "There's no flowery prose!" "Neil tells me you two are considering a split?" " What?" "I'm sorry." "I just thought I could provide some insight, since my parents are divorced." "I'm sorry to hear that." "Open and honest dialog is key to maintaining a stable relationship." "Is it now?" "Totally." "I write about it all the time." "That and be honest about one's own sexual desires." "It's rare that anyone ever is." "Huh." "I edit a lit journal on women's studies." "I plan to pursue that in college." "Women's studies?" "Yeah, female sexuality in literature, specifically." "Reverse gender roles in pop culture, sexual submissive hierarchy, rape paradigms." "I actually wrote a 22 page thesis on the concept of venereal disease as a female guilt trigger." "It's no big deal." "I did a paper on monotremes, remember?" "Are monotremes a form of VD?" "Don't be embarrassed, Neil." "It's natural." "Yeah, Neil, don't be embarrassed." "It's natural." "Do you ever read any online-- -dad!" "I actually write online -poetry." "Online poetry." "Lady poetry." "About strong women." "Lady poetry?" "You really need to bring friend around more often." "Did Neil tell you guys about the convention?" " The comic con?" "It's also for writers." "Neil, you didn't mention that." "It's for regular writers!" " Is that true?" "Define regular." "I think she means non-erotic." "Are you guys crazy?" "What makes you think" "I would go to an erotic writing convention?" "I don't know!" "Why would you have it on your computer?" "I mean, do they have that-- what was the name?" "Uh-- vang-- -vanguard erotica." "Please stop saying "erotica" at the dinner table." "No, please don't." "I just need to know if you're going to a place for adults." "Yeah, mom has a strict no sex dungeon policy." "I'm not." "We're not!" "You don't have to lie to me, you know." "Your mom is not as square as you think." "I even went to a key party once." "When did you go to a key party?" "I'm not lying." "Good." "Good." "So speaking of writing, how much do you guys know about the bronte sisters?" "I'm sorry about that." "You know what, no, Neil, you have to get past this repression." "Yeah, well, why don't I come by and give a lecture on the sexual fantasies of Emily bronte to your mom." "Your parents are cool." "You're lucky." "Our situations are so different." "You told me that your dad killed himself." "He did." ""Oh, hey, Neil's parents, why don't you let me give you some insight because my parents are divorced."" "You don't get it." "Yeah, I don't." "What?" "Well, I'm picking you up tomorrow at 9 am, so be ready." "Some dinner, huh?" "Sorry." "Hey, I like her." "She's a character." "Well, lemme guess." "I can't go now?" "Dad." "I'm good." "Take it." "Take it." "Do you remember when I used to take you to those autograph conventions?" "Yeah." "Remember when you stood in line for two hours to try to get butch Patrick to sign your munsters lunch box?" "And then he wouldn't." "Butch Patrick was a dick." "All right, as far as your mom knows, you're staying at your cousin's, all right?" "And I'm counting on you to do the right thing." "At least not to do, not to do the wrong thing." "She's more mature than you." "Huh?" "In some ways?" "I mean, maybe mature is not the right word." "Dad." "You really like this girl, don't you?" "I liked the same type." "When I was your age I did." "But be careful, huh?" "These arty girls" "I don't wanna see you get hurt, okay?" "All right, good talk, right?" "All right, I'll see you later." "Hola!" "Neil, your friends are multiplying." "Is that a pregnant joke?" "This shit is getting super old." "We're not letting her do this again." "You can say whatever you want about me, but I'm not a fucking flake." "What happened?" "Mike happened." "Fucking douchebag." "It's a good thing i went by there." "She's not gonna go?" "Oh, she's going." "I mean, look at you." "Look at what you do to yourself for her, dumb ass." "That's fine." "I feel kind of responsible for you." "I mean, you're just like her when we first met." "I liked her 'cause she was all smart and funny, and she tried so hard to be my friend." "And she would, like, offer to do my homework and shit." "And I would just make fun of her costumes and stuff." "You know she used to dress like an elf, right?" "I don't know." "I didn't think I tried to change her." "I mean I took her out with Mike, and that was it." "I guess he was like the first normal guy to ever take interest in her." "He's normal?" "Don't change for her, dude." "Don't let her be your Mike." "Please be quiet, okay?" "My mom's sleeping." "She here?" "Yes." "Then what the fuck, dude," "what is she doing here?" "I don't-- she told Neil she would take him to comic con." "Holy shit." "That's amazing." "Dude." "Oh, ho, dude, please get out." "I need a better look at this." "This coming from a guy in his pajamas." "I'm listen" " I'm not busting your balls." "I promise you." "Just come on." " I need a fucking picture." "" "You're such a dick." "I'm not the one making a scene, okay, martine?" "You're the one making a scene right now." "Come on, get up." "Give me a little, give me a little twirly twirl." "Oh, man, I'm not nearly stoned enough for this right now." "Oh!" "What the fuck!" "Jesus!" "I only wanted a picture, freak." "You are the freak." "You and your stupid fucking mustache." "Ow." "Yo, bro." "You ever see those um-- you ever see those pictures" "I took of her wearing that elf shit?" "Well, sometimes all she wore were those little ears." "Yeah, those were my special pics." "Neil!" "Get the fuck off!" "Oh, Galadriel." "Babe, I knew you were a nerd." "I didn't know you were a fucking retard." "Whoa!" "Oh, shit!" "Oh!" "This is funny." "You're fucking crazy." "You can't be all stoic in that costume." "It looks ridiculous." "Don't worry about me." "I am worried about driving for three hours with a guilt-bot programmed to guilt me to death." "How can you hang out with that guy?" "He's like everything you pretend to hate." "What do you mean "pretend?"" "Nothing." "Just forget it." "You are acting like a really jealous boyfriend right now." "Well, I'm not your boyfriend." "Yeah, you're not." "Hey, I'm sorry." "Okay, I know-- i know that Mike brings out the worst in me." "You have to admit, it was, like, really cool when you knocked him down." "Fucker." "I have to tell you something." "About the live read." "I know already." "I saw." "It was posted on the forum." "Congrats." "I told you it was good." "Did they write you?" "Mm-hmm, yeah." "They said something about the number of slots." "Politics again." "Politics." "I'm really glad that you transcended all of that." "Yeah." "Welcome to comic con." "What name is your reservation under?" "How do you know we're here for comic con?" "Emily bronte." "All right, miss bronte," "I have you down for a single king?" "Oh, can we get two beds?" "Unfortunately, we're at capacity." "That's okay." "We'll sleep together." "Swanky." "It's big." "Come here." "Try this out!" "I don't wanna mess up my costume." "Did you talk to them yet?" "No, do I need to?" "You're reading tomorrow." "If it were me, I would be checking up on like the order of the lineup and how much time I have, and how I'm gonna be taped and shit." "Taped?" "Why would they tape it?" "I don't want to be on tape." "That's normal, okay?" "You need to relax." "You're so fucking nuts." "Jesus." "What's with you?" "You look like how I look when I'm trying to avoid someone." "Okay, so we have the opening night party tonight." "And then tomorrow we have writer evals 'til five, then the slash mixer, and then the live read." "Hello!" "Person talking to you I.R.L." "Sorry." "Um-- i have to go to the bathroom." "You're just going to gawk at your phone somewhere where I can't give you shit about it." "Fine, I'll leave it." "No, don't do it for me, dude." "I'm just trying to bust you out of your self-induced social media prison." "You've really opened my eyes." "Throw off the shackles!" "Throw 'em off!" "Wizards man." "Wand-on-wand action." "That's what the readers want." "It's casting a spell on my wand," "I'll tell you that." "Yeah." "But that Harry-Draco genre, that's getting old." "Now what I'm into is that Snape-Dumbledore fic." "Wow, that is literally old." "I didn't realize you were into octogenarians?" "Yeah, well, uh, vanguard is no spring chicken." "Easy." "Well, usually." "Hey." "Oh, did you read that story I sent you," ""panty raid at Slytherin"?" "Oh, yeah, dude." "I called my mom." "I read it out loud." "Finally." "Come on." "We got business to conduct." "I think I'd rather go look at comics." "Neil, this is toho." "What are you drinking?" "I dunno." "Toho?" "Uh, hmmm... is blue." "It's blue." "Works for me." "That is a sick vanguard costume you've got there, bro." "Is that from "kragon's war?"" "Anyways, so-- my name is hagoff Paul and this is a little greeting." "Is that?" "Is that LSD?" "For the party tonight, playboy." "It's Molly." "Mdma?" "No, no." "It looks like acid." "It's ecstasy." "Have you ever done that before?" "No, but I want to." "That stuff stays in your system forever." "Have you ever heard of an acid flashback?" "Look, I don't want to wake up in a year and stab my parents to death with a kitchen knife, okay?" "Well, that makes one of us." "What if it ruins the whole weekend?" "What if we miss the live reading because we're in the hospital getting our stomach's pumped?" "We are going to a party with all sorts of lights and costumes, okay?" "Do you normally go to parties, Neil?" "No." "Do you like to mingle?" "No." "Open your mouth, playboy." "No..." "Julia." "There we go." "Oh, whatever you do, don't swallow." "What will happen if I swallow it?" "I'm hallucinating!" "It's not acid!" "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "Hold her there." "Off, off, off, off." "I'm sick." "Okay." "I'm so stoned." "Stoned on acid." "I mean, Molly" "this must be like every day for Madonna." "Here." "Drink some water." "Oh, okay." "Oh." "You're safe now." "You're in a totally safe place." "What?" "I don't know if I've uh..." "Ever been attracted to anyone before you." "You mean any girl." "Any human being." "What are you attracted to about me?" "I'm not ashamed of myself with you." "Should I have done that?" "I don't know if I should have done that." "Pants." "Are you doing your homework?" "No." ""Julia tugged at his pants, sliding them down ever so slowly."" "Okay, if you're gonna write about us, you need to use some modifiers." ""Julia tugged at his tight pants, sliding them off painfully slow." "Savoring the moment the heightened pleasure involved."" "I'm glad you decided to branch out." "You're a tough one to figure out." "No, I'm not." "Hi, you've reached Julia's voicemail." "I probably don't want to talk to you." "Hi, you've reached Julia's voicemail." "I probably" "the alliteration is good, but you use it way too much." "Yeah, it's sort of my crutch." "And the allegory is a bit on-the-nose." "Oh, I actually thought it was more of a metaphor than an allegory." "Uh, do you know what an allegory is?" "Look, you're okay." "Uh, and you're female." "We need more women in our field." "Most of them are pretty ugly." "Unlike you." "You can have a career." "Writing is more than just writing." "There are other factors." "Dude, I want to show you something." "It's a-- it's a Tijuana Bible." "It's quite the important artifact." "Mexicans are far more sexually liberated." "What's with the look?" "You just left this morning." "Yeah, I was getting a critique." "I mean, that's why we're here." "To meet the pros." "I'm sorry." "Hey." "I have to go meet someone." "Who?" "Denis?" "Sorry, I looked through your phone." "I didn't think that you would care." "Hey-- don't!" "Don't do that." "What's your deal?" "Nothing." "Don't get all weird on me just because we messed around." "Why did you rip up our pages?" "I don't know." "We were zonked." "We wrote some crazy shit, okay?" "I didn't want it just floating around." "So last night was just the drugs?" "You have been hiding this denis guy from me." "I didn't even think that you were straight." "Can you hear me now?" "How about now?" "I'll check my bars." "That's better." "Oh, I'm sorry." "This is age restricted." "Hi." "Oh, my god, Neil." "Oh, I'm so sorry." "I uh" " I didn't expect you to look uh, so young." "Uh, do you wanna see my ID?" "No, no, no, no." "No, I'm sorry, believe me, i looked young when I was your age, too." "Uh, when I was 18." "You still look young." "Oh, well, thank you." "Oh, my god, it's just so great to uh, finally meet you, in the flesh, so to speak, um..." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Oh, yes, of course." "Shall we?" "Yeah." "You're staring." "Virgins stare." "They do?" "Yeah, well, con virgins." "Yeah, it's just so weird now that it's all in 3-d." "Yeah, I know." "Internet rule 34." "If it exists there's porn of it." "Just when you think you've seen it all." "I just discovered what a curtain fic is." "Curtain fic?" "Mm-hmm." "I mean, okay, so, this is aimed at older gays." "Of course they're like post-sex, proto-nesting, domestic fetishists." "And so normally where you'd have like kirk and Spock, you know, making love, uh, in this case, it's couples having these like lavish shopping sprees at pottery barn." "For curtains." "They sell curtains at pottery barn?" "They sell everything at pottery barn." "I mean, you know, it's mostly harmless I guess, but not all of it is..." "And you really need to watch out for creeps, especially at your age." "But you're not a creep." "No, I'm not a creep, but isn't that exactly what a creep would say?" "Oh, I thought you came alone." "Oh, Jesus, speaking of creepy." "I came with a friend." "Oh, and does he write slash?" "She." "And yeah." "You know, actually, i think she's in regular writing today." "Oh, regular writing." "Denis." "Oh, Ronnie, hey, um, this is Neil." "He's one of our new writers." "Oh, yeah, I bet." "Ronnie harwood." "I'm senior writer at the rabbit's hole." "So some of the inner circle are gonna go out for an early dinner before the reading." "Are you game?" "Yeah." "You can bring your new little friend." "Everybody agrees that Batman blowing Robin and Robin blowing Batman is totally played out, but now I'm seeing Christian bale's Batman blowing Ben affleck as Batman." "Blowing val kilmer." "Oh, that's really hot." "I got a cease and desist from Warner's last week, so obviously I'm doing something right." "Yeah, you're moving up in the world." "What kind of slash do you write?" "You've been to our website, it's easy enough to find." "Right." "I'm guessing this is your first con, since you're what, he's 18?" "Mm-hmm." "Yeah, 18." "Hmm." "I was editing the r.P.F. Board today." "I'll never get all the bieber fic." "Neil, are you into Justin bieber?" "What's r.P.F.?" "R.P.F. Is real people fiction or celebrity slash." "Slash about, you know, celebs." "Oh, oh, like the bronte sisters." "They wrote stories about Napoleon and the Duke of Wellington." "Yeah, I mean, it's pretty old school, but now it's mostly just like pointless boy band orgies." "Yeah, and juvenile regressives are popping up all over." "Speaking of..." "How long have you slashed vanguard?" "Oh, vanguard is juvenile, but trek and tolkien, that's-- it's all about audience and intent, denis." "This is first year stuff." "Vanguard doesn't play to the 40-plus crowd, our base." "Besides, it's not our mission to indoctrinate children." "It's not our mission to indoctrinate anyone." "I read tolkien when I was eight." "Yes, and denis loves his vanguard." "Ronnie prefers her masturbation material to stem from bad '60s television." "You ever see "the Brady bunch," dude?" "Really, Freddie?" "He's a child." "Mainstream success has no bearing on our field." "Never has." "What we do know is juvenile fiction begets juvenile erotica." "Let me be frank." "You write sex like a 12-year-old and I think you know it." "It's like you found all these provocative words and just tossed them into a text editor." "Have you ever even had sex?" "I doubt half our writers have had sex." "Let me see your ID." "Ronnie." "Well, I don't know about you, denis, but I don't want to go to jail." "Nobody's going to jail." "Jesus!" "Neil, come on." "It's fine." "Sit down." "Yeah, it's fine if he ponies up an ID." "I remember now." "You wrote all that really gross Mike and Greg Brady fic." "What's your point?" "I thought you liked sex with 12-year-olds." "If it's written maturely." "Nice." "Are you really 18?" "Neil, Neil, come on, stop." "Stop, stop, stop." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "Look, Ronnie, I mean, you know, she's like that with everybody." "It's not you." "Oh, um." "Let's go someplace else." "Wait, wait, wait, wait." "Wait." "It just-- this doesn't feel right." "Why?" "Look, I'm not gonna be mad, I'm not be upset or anything." "I need you to tell me how old you are." "I already told you." "I know, I know." "Tell me again." "15." "15?" "Oh, fuck!" "I'll be 16 in November." "Please don't reject me." "Dude, this is wrong." "I know it is." "This is just the second time today." "I could go to jail." "I won't tell anyone." "Did you just tell me you were 18 so you could get into the live reading?" "No!" "What do you even want from me?" "I just thought it'd be different." "Here with you." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "You actually remind me a lot of myself." "You turned out okay." "Did I?" "I shot off a series of insane messages to somebody I didn't know the first thing about." "I said things I would never say to somebody face to face." "Ever." "You know, outside of like cons," "I have practically zero social skills." "My mother always said it's going to get me in trouble, and now here I am." "And yes, incidentally, i live with my mother, in the house where I grew up, in saginaw." "So, you know, don't be too sure about things." "You live with your mom?" "Stop." "Stop." "Stop." "Stop." "You said this was the second time." "It it someone in our group?" "Was it that girl you came here with?" "Yeah, well." "I thought you might be straight." "I might not be." "Well, this isn't the way to find out." "You have time." "You're writing." "Focus on that." "How can I focus on something" "I'm not even old enough to do?" "Well, what do you want to do?" "You want to be a writer?" "A real writer, not fan fic?" "You're good." "Keep writing and let the rest of the stuff sort itself out naturally." "I wish somebody had told me that when I was your age." "Well, you better go." "It's about time." "I don't know what the right thing to do here is." "I wanna make sure you're okay." "Well, I know you have to go." "I am the moderator." "I mean, you don't have to worry, I'm not coming." "I can't, not now." "Not right now." "I wish it wasn't this way." "You know, for what it's worth," "I think you want to be queer." "Why would anyone want that?" "To fit in, even some place small." "I'll see you around." "You came back?" "The live read's about to start." "You should be there." "I came back for you." "You don't get it." "You submitted once and they're like," ""hey, come read it on stage."" "I have like 500 things posted up there." "I know." "I've read every one of them." "It's hard caring about someone." "Letting them care about you." "It doesn't have to be hard." "I love you." "I kissed him." "That denis guy?" "I'm not going to the live read." "You have to." "I can't." "Neil, please, for both of us." "Fuck those crusty old assholes." "I followed you into the restaurant when you weren't answering my calls." "I'm sorry that lady is such an asshole." "Look, they only win if you let them." "You are a featured fucking story, dude." "You made it!" "We're doing this." "You and me together." "I am your goddamn coach." "Okay?" "As they entered the nexiverse," "Gandalf, his penis now longer than his staff, tuned-- turned to Dumbledore," ""Dumbledore," he said to Dumbledore," ""only the energy of our mutual orgasm, combined with unbroken eye contact can close the door to the nexiverse, thus stopping the combined armies of Sauron and Voldemort." "Without a moment's thought, Dumbledore selflessly gave of his own manhood, placing the head of his pounding penis against that of the wise old wizard from alt middle earth, like in ghostbusters." " End of chapter seven." "Okay, that was gan-dum 69 with "hole pluggers of the nexiverse."" "And who doesn't like some good old-fashioned wizard-on-wizard action?" "One more time for her, gan-dum 69." "Um..." "So-uh, I think everybody knows my feelings about what we do and the purpose it serves." "Often we're treated like freaks." "Especially those of us who are a little bit older." " And uh, still doing this." "Um... and when we're away from this little community that we've created for ourselves, you know, we're outsiders, and we're weirdoes, and we're sexual deviants, but not here." "Our next reader is a young man that I have been following with much interest." "And not just because he writes vanguard." "Please welcome to the stage, Van fan 42." "Um, this is called..." ""Shore leave on dreenan four."" ""The balmy tropic weather patterns of dreenan four gave cause for the indigenous proxans to wear very little in the way of attire." "This year with the elliptical orbit pulling them closer than ever to dreenan prime, clothing was more a hardship than an option." "Vanguard found himself unarmored on the beaches of the zaraug during what seemed to be a religious mating ritual." "'Do you happen to know where they keep the towels?" "' a lean, naked proxon inquired." "His supple manhood stood proud against the harsh light of dreenan prime." "The proxon boy repeated himself, 'well, do you?" "' vanguard's hand now pumped his stone cock."" "He's 15." "You're outsiders." "You were supposed to support other outsiders." "I mean, you guys write ninja turtle bondage porn and you're judging?" "He just poured out his sad, pathetic heart to you philistines!" "And I think it's beautiful." "Let him read." "No." "I may be 15, but you're an asshole." "I'll be 16 in a few months." "All right, everybody, that is my fault." "I'm the one who broke the rules." "Don't blame him." "So you're not-- mad at me anymore, right?" "I'd only be mad if you stopped writing because of this." "Me?" "No." "I've got my body armor on." "Hey, I love you, too." "Well, duh." "I gotta tell you something." "I think I may be a lesbian." "The way I figure it..." "If I'm lesbian and you're gay, then we can be a gay couple, and it sort of cancels each other out." "Cause I'm more mannish and you're like a girl." "Wait, what..." "I'm like a girl?" "I'm sorry, Neil." "I'm sorry I said you were gay." "I don't know why I said that." "I don't care what you are." "That's the only thing that I don't care about." "I told them you were 16." "What?" "I'm the reason you didn't get into the live read." "It was my fault." "It was down to you and me, and I told them that I was 18, and you were 16." "That editor, Ronnie, loves your writing." "It's not about that." "It never was, so you have to keep writing." "I thought you didn't care about the reading." "I'm sorry." "Yeah." "I really do love you." "It's not so crazy they believed you were 18." "You do look older now." "Jesus!" "Mom knows you stayed with her." "What?" "Mom's around?" "Mm-hmm." "How bad is it?" "It's bad." "Dad took a bullet for you." "That girl's mom called." "Did you guys steal her credit card?" "I hope you lost your cherry, nelly bopper." "'Cause from the sound of it, you might not be seeing much of her for a while." "Let me see that." "What, do you think I'm too dumb?" "Don't worry, man, she'll come around." "Seasons end, even on milliarcha v, where nuclear winter was slowly giving way to bright spring." "Vanguard felt it." "And he knew his own season was now at a close." "Be it burial in the cold vacuum of space, or a quaint domestic cabin on the frontier's rim, everyone retires." "Things, people..." "Come into your life suddenly, and then are just as suddenly gone." "But their season shapes you." "Makes you dare things you hadn't previously even dreamt." "And for that, and for my friend, this author is happy."