"The West is big and gaudy" "The laws are very few" "A man can do the living here" "That he hankers to" "Now everybody has a gun" "That's their calling card" "And even when they're having fun they never drop their guard" "For our entertainment the barroom is the place" "Every man's a king of hearts every girl an ace" "That's why we wear the minimum red garters, hooray" "And to see the maximum they come from miles away" "With a whoop and a holler and a dime and a dollar" "I'm a lucky son of a gun" "Wherever I go I guess you know I tip my hat to none" "I'm just a rolling stone I wander on my own" "And always take my own advice" "I've traveled every trail and never been in jail" "'Course I deserved it once or twice" "With a whoop and a holler and a dime and a dollar" "I'm a lucky son of a gun" "Wherever I go I guess you know I tip my hat to none" "Kind of crowded, ain't it?" "And when I leave a town" "And get to bedding down" "I kind of wink up at the stars" "Nobody knows my name" "They only know I came" "And drank my weight in all the bars" "With a whoop and a holler and a dime and a dollar" "I'm a lucky son of a gun" "Wherever I go I guess you know I tip my hat to none" "I tip my hat to none" "I got you, stranger." "You sure have, bub." "Hey, where is everybody?" "They're up at the big doing." "Big doing?" "Big doing?" "Yeah, Robin Randall Rest In Peace Barbecue." "That's nice." "I got to stay home." "I'm being punished." "And just for shooting up the schoolhouse." "That's too bad." "Hey, mister, who you gunning for?" "Why, bub, whatever gave you such a notion?" "You're talking to the kid that shot up the schoolhouse, remember?" "Think I don't know what it means when a guy wears his six-gun slung low... and tied down, like you're doing?" "Come on." "Come on, boy." "Whoa!" "Horsie, whoa!" "Whoa, boy!" "Steady now." "Attaboy." "Attaboy." "He'll be okay now." "If you went to all that trouble just to make my acquaintance..." "I assure you, you wasted your time." "Nothing will come of it." "Why, ma'am, I didn't make your horse act up that way." "That was Comanche's idea." "Who's Comanche?" "Comanche is my horse, only he don't know it." "He thinks he's people, and he hates horses." "Your horse hates horses?" "Yes, ma'am." "In fact, he's the kind of a horse that if he was a man... he'd be a horse thief." "So, if you don't mind, ma'am..." "I'll just ride along with you and catch Comanche... before he gets into some bad trouble." "I guess you had better." "I don't think we've ever had a horse in our jail." "Okay." "Come on, boy." "It sure is nice to see you again, ma'am." "Thank you, stranger." "To see me again?" "When did we ever meet before?" "We've never exactly met before, but I've sure enough seen you an awful lot." "When?" "Where?" "All the time." "Every place I go." "Inside here." "Where do you come from, stranger?" "Where you going?" "Why are you here?" "I come from all over, on my way to everywhere." "But first I've got a little job to do." "What sort of a job?" "You know, in the spring, in the Osage country... millions of flowers grow in the fields and they're all the color of your eyes." "You talk real nice, stranger." "Ki-yi, big doings had a killing" "Lost a villain" "Robin Randall is Mr. Randall is dead" "Hallelujah" "Where he went is so remote" "Hallelujah" "He won't need his overcoat" "Ki-yi, big doings" "Folks are buzzing by the dozen" "And the scandal is Robin Randall is dead" "Yes, sir, it's a lovely day, isn't it, folks?" "Yeah!" "Yeah." "There you are, Robin Randall, right where we want you." "Belly-up and with your boots on." "Yes, sir, it sure is a lovely day." "And smell that barbecue." "Come on back here!" "Where're your manners?" "You might at least wait till we finish paying our final respects to the guest of honor." "Hurry it up, Jason." "I'm hurrying." "Give me time." "If I got to make this speech, I don't want to make it just for myself." "Now, if we had a preacher..." "I suppose he might try to intercede for Robin and get him off with a light sentence." "I, being merely an attorney-at-law, however... can only plead him guilty of every sin in the book... and throw him on the mercy of that higher court... from the judgment of which, there is no appeal." "Jason, that is very nice." "Thank you, Rafael." "In a way, Robin has really fulfilled a lifelong ambition." "Because besides being a bully, a cheat, a coward and a horse thief... he was also a claim-jumper and a land-grabber." "Robin, now you got your land, six feet of it... all to yourself!" "Now, we're gonna leave you, Robin Randall." "We're gonna...." "Jason... aren't you satisfied with one funeral at a time?" "Anybody who rides with Susana... without getting my permission is begging for trouble." "He's a stranger, Jason." "He doesn't know any better." "What's upsetting you, ma'am?" "I think you'd better go look for Comanche before he bites somebody." "Goodbye." "Giddyap, boy." "Thanks." "Wonder who the stranger is." "Why don't you ask him?" "It's obvious to me, stranger... that you are unaware of the true nature of these proceedings." "We're not dedicating a monument." "We're merely planting a scoundrel by the name of Robin Randall." "There's no reason for you to unnecessarily expose your naked skull... to the wrath of the elements." "Down here in Limbo County, California... we remove our hats for very few things and he don't happen to be one of them." "Look, mister, no man tells me what to do with my hat... unless he's man enough to wear it." "Yeah?" "Yeah." "I don't think there's room for more than one body in that grave... and he's being neglected." "So now we leave you, Robin Randall, resting in the bosom of the Earth... the surface of which you've so long desecrated by your presence." "The line for the barbecue forms at the right... after which there'll be athletic contests and games of skill for one and all." "You care to join us, stranger?" "Be happy to, ma'am." "Howdy, stranger." "My name is Billy Buckett." "I know it ain't none of my business, but ain't you the fellow" "You're right, Billy, it ain't none of your business." "My name is Carberry." "Jason Carberry." "I want a word with you about that young lady you drove here with." "I plumb forgot to ask her name." "Her name is Miss Susana Martinez De La Cruz." "Thanks." "You're welcome." "I was about to warn you." "We got two kind of women here." "She's the kind we tip our hat to." "I got sense enough to know that." "Say, didn't you forget to mention some little thing... about the man you just buried there?" "Like maybe he was kind to small animals, or something?" "The only animals Robin Randall was ever interested in... were the ones he could steal, such as horses and cattle." "Was that ever proved against him, or am I supposed to take your word for it?" "Stranger, I'm not in the habit of having my word doubted." "Jason, go get me a plate of barbecue, will you?" "I'm starving." "For you, my love, anything." "By the way, my name's Calaveras Kate." "I don't believe I quite caught yours." "I don't believe I quite threw it." "That Carberry sure enough plays the field, doesn't he?" "You notice he didn't tip his hat, though." "Look, you." "Out here we've got a triple standard." "Like Jason said, there are two kinds of women but only one kind of man." "Very convenient for men." "Yes, ma'am, it sure is." "Well, it's been nice." "You'll be moving on soon, won't you?" "I hope." "What's the matter, ma'am?" "You afraid Carberry might do something to make me shoot him?" "As a matter of fact, yes." "But I wouldn't like it even if he shot you." "There's been too much shooting hereabouts." "Appears to me like you're interested in him." "Interested!" "He's as phony as a Chinese faro deck." "Why, the hand he tips his hat with never knows... what the other one's doing and...." "I'd die before I'd let him know it, but I'm in love with him." "The big flirting, strutting fathead!" "You know, you could be doing both of us a mighty big favor... if you'd get out of town before it's too late, mister." "Sure like to accommodate you, ma'am, but I just can't." "I should've known better than to try to talk sense to a man." "Men" "A man is stubborn as a mule" "He don't learn half enough in school" "The only thing that drives him is his ego" "A woman likes to criticize" "She wants to dominate the guys" "If she were smart she'd be a man's amigo" "Man and woman" "Day and night" "They always try to make the other see the light" "A man don't know what's good for him" "A gal jumps in where she can't swim" "Same old thing wherever he and she go" "Man and woman" "Friend and foe" "They're just as far apart as yes and no" "Women" "They like to spend all we can spare" "The woman only wants her share" "But to her that's just an appetizer" "The woman knows how things should be" "Then why ask us if we agree?" "To build you up we make you think you're wiser" "Man and woman" "Jack and Jill" "They blame each other when they tumble down the hill" "Why, a man don't know the mess he makes" "A woman never makes mistakes?" "Her worst mistake is letting him advise her" "Man and woman" "Duck and drake" "They each think they're the icing on the cake" "Men" "Women" "You bite off more than you can chew" "Why, there ain't a thing a man can't do" "I'd like to see you try to be a mother" "Okay, be a mother sure you can" "But just try to be one without a man" "The husband is the better half" "When I hear that I have to laugh" "But the husband is the family head" "The wife can kick him out of bed" "A woman likes to flaunt her shape" "A man is nothing but an ape" "I get my way by acting tough" "I drop my neckline just enough." "Man and woman" "Sharp and flat" "They never seem to get along" "Even when they're right, they're wrong" "Man and woman" "Dog and cat" "They never think alike and that is that" "That's that" "Calaveras, I was just fixing to go get the food." "I noticed you picked up a couple of dishes." "Now, I was waiting for you." "Listen, you're fussing at me, where's that stranger?" "He's probably off somewhere minding his own business." "Why don't you do the same?" "What do you mean?" "I'm getting sick and tired of you starting fights over Susana." "It's time you realized that anything a man tries to do to her..." "that she can't talk him out of or run away" "Calaveras." "That's a mighty delicate subject." "It might be delicate to you, but to most women it's just shoptalk." "Incidentally, what were you doing with the Dorgan Sisters, talking shop?" "No, just talking." "Jason, will you do me one great big favor?" "Anything you want, darling." "Please don't get yourself shot today." "I can't stand loud noises." "You got no cause to talk to me that way." "I'll go get the food." "You know, ma'am, looking at you is like listening to a violin." "Why, the music has stopped." "No, ma'am, you're wrong." "It'll never stop." "I'll hear it the rest of my life." "Maybe you are right." "It seems I can still hear it, too." "I got to go now." "Where you going?" "I wouldn't try to follow her if I were you, stranger." "Why, that's just plain silly." "If you were me, mister, you'd do just what I'm gonna do." "Follow her." "I'm warning you." "Keep away from Susana." "Unless you've got a better argument than you've produced so far, Carberry..." "you'd better stand aside." "All right, stranger, you asked for it." "You seem to be having trouble finding your six-gun, mister." "Like to use mine?" "Congratulations." "That's the fastest draw I ever saw." "But I'm still warning you." "Keep away from my ward." "Your ward?" "That's right, my ward." "She was orphaned as a child... and since then I've been her legal guardian and protector." "I sure am glad you didn't make me kill you, Carberry." "She never would have forgiven me." "Then you admit I got a right to find out what your interest in Susana is." "Interest!" "Why, man, it's a darn sight more than just plain interest." "I've been in love with that gal for the best two hours of my life." "And I darn near killed you." "Yeah." "Boy." "You see, Susana's led a very sheltered existence." "She was brought up to be a lady." "A species of female which I doubt seriously... you've ever encountered in any great numbers before." "That's right." "So, as her guardian, stranger... what would you do if some brawling, uncurried, gun-slinging saddle-tramp... came to town and tried to promote an affair... which might wreck her life and break her heart?" "Why, I'd kill the son of a gun." "Looks like we've reached an agreement." "Looks like." "Congratulations, my friend." "For what?" "Congratulations, my friend." "For what?" "You are one of the only two men now living who ever outdrew Jason Carberry." "I have the honor to be the other one." "I am Rafael Moreno, at your service." "Glad to know you." "What was Carberry's reason for trying to shoot you?" "Senor, I had wished only to congratulate you on your success with Carberry... not to discuss personal matters, amigo." "If I remember, Rafael, I didn't ask you to discuss anything with me." "Might be you wouldn't talk so tall, stranger... if you knew who this Rafael Moreno really is." "He can shoot the eye out of a ground squirrel at 50 yards... and have his gun back in the holster before it stumbles." "On top of that, he is the greatest barroom fighter in these here parts... and I got money which says you don't belong in the same saloon with him." "Hey, let's get up to the saloon." "Ain't no time for that, you might change your minds." "Come on, let's do it here, right now!" "Get ourselves a toe line made here." "Yes, sir." "Are the contestants ready?" "All right, come up to toe." "You're first." "Ready!" "Go." "One, two, three, four...." "One, two." "Get up, boy." "Three, four...." "One, two, three, four...." "One, two... three." "Get up, boy." "Come on." "Steady, boy, steady." "Disgusting." "Senorita, I agree with you, but it is the best I could do." "My amigo." "You sure enough surprised me, Rafael." "You're almost as good as Billy Buckett said you were." "And you are almost as good as you think you are." "Greetings, strangers." "Welcome to our community." "I'm Jason Carberry, at your service." "This is Miss Calaveras Kate, the shining light of our local theatrical world." "Currently appearing at the Red Dog Saloon... featured in all the latest songs and dances." "A little souvenir for you." "Thank you." "I am Judge Wallace Winthrop of Boston, sir." "And this is my niece, Miss Sheila Winthrop." "How do you do?" "And I am Rafael Moreno." "And I'm just a stranger." "Do you usually welcome guests to your community... by such a disgraceful exhibition as we just witnessed?" "What did you expect on the spur of the moment?" "A massacre?" "Most of the time, I win." "Why was there nobody in town to greet us... except a small boy who is being punished for shooting up the schoolhouse?" "And a most offensive little brat at that." "He offered me "a chaw of tobaccer."" "The lad is generous to a fault." "What brings you to our fair city, Judge?" "I, sir, have the honor to be the head of the Presidential Commission." "Appointed to study and report on the alarming increase in lawlessness... in certain of our western states." "Why, shucks, Judge, you're wasting your time here." "I don't know." "Do you, Calaveras?" "Anybody know what he's talking about?" "How dare you?" "As I was saying, Judge, I...." "Judge." "I don't know of any condition of lawlessness hereabouts... that warrants your interference, sir." "What about that crime wave that just passed through?" "That?" "That's just the Patterson boys shooting it up with the McGregors." "Why, sure." "That happens every day." "Ladies and gents!" "Choose and grab your partners for the Sacramento Stomp!" "Judge, this is something you and your niece sure have to see." "One of you boys take care of the Judge's team." "Miss, if you'll allow me to help you out here?" "There we are." "May I have the honor?" "That is, if Jason does not object." "Of course he doesn't." "Here, hold these, Jason." "He's got a gal in Alabama" "Got one in old Cheyenne" "Loves a young one or a grandma" "'Cause he's a ladies' man" "Ladykiller loves them all" "Ladykiller, see how they fall" "He don't give a hoot in Hades if she's a snooty gal" "Treats her like the other ladies when she's in his corral" "Ladykiller loves them all" "Ladykiller, see how they fall" "If I know that Rafael, he's doing all that just for you." "I'm not the least bit interested." "Climb aboard my sliver saddle kiss every girl I see" "Before you know it I skedaddle no gal is roping me." "Ladykiller, that's my way" "Ladykiller, that's what they say" "Must be the mating season." "Mighty fine stepping, Calaveras." "Here." "Yes, it was very nice." "Mighty fine stepping, Calaveras." "Here." "Yes, it was very nice." "Judge, I think this calls for refreshments." "Thank you." "I'm exhausted." "Come on." "Excellent notion." "Get out of my way, you bandit, you!" "That Miss Winthrop is fascinated by me." "And I must admit I'm fascinated by her, too." "She's mighty pretty, but she looks kind of frost-bit to me." "No, my friend." "Beneath that icy exterior smolders a fire that need only be fanned into a flame." "She still looks kind of frost-bit to me." "You called me a bandit, and you are right." "So, I have come to steal from you one little smile." "If it'll make you happy, I'll laugh out loud at you." "I think you are capable of other, more tender emotions." "Ready, my dear." "I was just inquiring of your so lovely niece... if there was some slight service I might do for her." "Yes, go away and leave me alone." "Why did you treat that man so rudely?" "Perhaps it's because I'm afraid." "Of what?" "Him." "Me." "I don't know." "All contestants will now line up for the chicken-picking race!" "All right, now, you all know the rules." "You grab your chicken and you start picking." "And the lady whose chicken is picked the most naked at the finish, she wins." "All right, now, line up." "No fudging now." "On your mark." "Get set...." "By unanimous decision of the Judge, Ginger Pete... the winner is Mrs. Bear-Who-Fears-No-Man!" "I was robbed." "I was crooked." "I never stood a chance." "My chicken's breathing!" "Go away, Minnie." "Minnie is right." "Whoever slipped that live chicken into the deal... sure enough cold-decked her." "A whole heap." "Did you hear what he said?" "Hear what the man said?" "Are you calling me a crook?" "You can either be a crook or admit you're blind." "Take your choice." "Hold on there." "We don't want no bloodshed." "What?" "Let me finish." "We don't want no bloodshed so close to the barbecue." "If he don't get his ugly mug away from mine..." "there's sure gonna be some." "Reach!" "there's sure gonna be some." "Reach!" "Like to borrow my six-gun, mister?" "I could have told you about that." "You know, stranger, I think maybe Minnie might've been cold-decked at that." "Just a little bit." "You're my lover-duck." "Say, ain't you from down Pike County way?" "Why, yeah, Minnie, at one time I lived down that way." "Now, I know who you are." "I'd never mistake that Randall draw anywhere." "Randall!" "Your name's Randall?" "Why, yeah, come, to think of it." "Reb Randall." "I guess I just plumb forgot to mention it before, Billy." "Guess I know why, too." "What you gonna do about the man which killed your brother?" "First of all, I guess I'll just have to find out who did kill my brother, Billy." "Why does the burden of tracking down the murderer... fall upon that poor, bereaved young man?" "Where's your sheriff?" "Down here in Limbo County, Judge, we don't need no sheriff... to take care of anyone which kills one of our brothers." "Do you mean Reb Randall proposes to take the law into his own hands?" "You don't understand about Western chivalry, Judge." "Why, Reb there was willing to kill Ginger Pete... over a common ordinary chicken-picking race." "So unless somebody discourages him... what do you think he'll do to the man who shot his brother?" "You mean...." "I make it clear enough" "I don't take any guff" "And that's the way I've always been" "And if some ornery pup should get my dander up" "Please notify his next of kin" "With a whoop and a holler and a dime and a dollar" "I'm a lucky son of a gun" "Wherever I go I guess you know I tip my hat to none" "With a whoop and a holler and a dime and a dollar" "I'm a lucky son of a gun" "Hiya, duck." "Hiya, Minnie." "This a hotel?" "Sure thing, duck, and every room guaranteed coyote-proof." "Say, Minnie, you got any notion who killed my brother?" "Only notion what come to Minnie's mind is old Indian proverb." "Proverb?" "Only a fool risks his neck for the sake of honor." "The wise man never fight over anything he can't eat... put in his pocket or make love to." "I don't quite follow you, Min." "You don't have to." "I'll take this hay-burner to the barn." "Hello, stranger." "Why, hello, Miss De La Cruz." "You live here?" "Yes, I do." "Your name's Reb Randall, isn't it?" "You know, huh?" "Why, I saw what happened between you and Jason, Reb." "Was it about me?" "You know, Susana... that Carberry's sure enough got your best interests at heart." "I'm a whole heap glad he didn't make me kill him." "Reb, would you have killed him?" "What in the world is that?" "I guess Comanche just done bit Minnie Redwing." "I guess he just done did." "Susana, when Rafael outdrew Carberry, was it over you?" "Rafael smiles at all women." "I noticed that." "Besides, Jason means well, but he interferes too much." "How can a girl ever know her own heart if somebody goes around threatening... to shoot every man who even looks at her?" "Don't you worry none, Susana..." "I won't let anything happen to him while I'm here." "Who?" "Why, Rafael, of course." "Rafael!" "You mean that if I decided it was Rafael I like..." "that you'd protect him just for me?" "I sure would." "Of course I might have to kill Jason Carberry a little bit, but" "Reb, how could you be so dense?" "You mad at me, Susana?" "How do I know?" "Go ask Jason Carberry." "He does all my thinking for me." "Stop this!" "Stop this rowdyism!" "Stop it, I say!" "Mr. Carberry, this is the most disgraceful den of iniquity... it has ever been my pleasure to witness." "Greetings, oh, great white Father!" "I'm not the President of the United States." "I'm merely his humble servant." "What do you mean, sir, by serving ladies at the bar?" "That's no lady, that's Minnie Redwing." "Ain't that a whizzer, lover?" "How's your crime wave coming along, Judge?" "So you admit there is a crime wave?" "What crime are you referring to?" "The way you're running this town is a crime in itself." "Why, for instance, have you done nothing to find out who killed Robin Randall?" "His brother will take care of that and when he does... we'll have ourselves a barbecue, with athletic contests for one and all." "I'd like to tell you exactly what I think" "Save your breath." "No matter what you say, I'm a cinch to disagree with you." "Furthermore, he'll oppose with his life your right to say it." "What's the trouble, Judge?" "The trouble is that everyone in this town seems to consider it inevitable... that Reb Randall not only will, but should kill the man who shot his brother." "Why?" "In a moment, Judge, you're gonna be hearing all about the Code of the West." "So, if you'll pardon me now, I'll be leaving." "I've heard it." "Yes, sir, Judge, the Code of the West... which says that a man's got to go and kill the man... which killed his brother, even if he was a no-good polecat like Robin Randall." "Obviously Reb doesn't think his brother was a no-good polecat!" "You're right there, lover." "Why, even Reb said no self-respecting polecat... would have been caught dead with that Robin Randall." "You mean Reb is expected to risk his life over a brother he didn't like?" "Surely even your barbaric code must take...." "Must take extenuating circumstances into account." "What difference does it make whether or not Reb liked his brother?" "A code's a code." "You're darn tooting, and you go messing around with it... the whole thing falls flat on its face." "As if you was to say:" ""You shouldn't run away with your neighbor's wife..." ""except under extenuating circumstances, such as her husband being out of town."" "The Code of the West don't make no provisions... for no extenuating circumstances." "If you believe in it, you got to live by it, with no ifs, ands, or buts!" "That's why Reb Randall's got to go out and kill the man which killed his brother." "That reminds me, Billy... this man who killed your brother is still alive." "As a matter of fact, you did not even bother to find out who he is." "How you account for that?" "Because Billy's a coward." "That's right, I'm a coward." "That's why I've lived to pat so many brave men in the face with a shovel." "You could be next, Rafael." "What do you mean by that, amigo?" "It's just a darn good thing for you that I am a coward... else I might start talking." "Buckett." "Yeah?" "What did you say?" "I'm the quietest man you ever heard." "Put that thing away." "It's liable to go off and hurt somebody." "Here come the girls." "Hiya Pete, hiya Jim howdy Joe, howdy Slim" "We know what you've been missing while you've been on the trail" "We're mighty glad you're back in town and keeping out of jail" "Put the redeye down and drop your gun" "We're gonna have a little fun and it's coming to you" "Hey, all you roaring cowboys" "You got a treat tonight" "Red garters on a dancing girl what a pretty sight" "Come on, you busy drinkers and blow away the foam" "Red garters on a dancing girl you'll never see at home" "I'm feeling friendly and full of spice" "But don't grab the package or touch the merchandise" "Hey all you men from Leadville and you from Laramie" "Red garters on a dancing girl got them from Paree" "Red garters on a dancing girl are what you came to see" "Started off in Yonkers dressed from head to toe" "Then I dropped my bustle off South of Buffalo" "Took off a dozen petticoats in Altoona, Penn." "It got so hot in Illinois dropped another ten" "In Kansas let my hair down same in Ioway" "Finally got in fighting shape in California" "And here I wear the minimum Red garters, hooray" "And to see the maximum they come from miles away" "Hey, you tobacco drummers who said this town is tame" "Red garters on a dancing girl aren't you glad you came?" "I've never been to Broadway I just don't fit the part" "Red garters on a dancing girl now that's what I call art" "Don't tell the sheriff I'm breaking laws" "Because you'll find the sheriff leading the applause" "I know your eyes will bug out your chest is gonna heave" "I'm gonna toss my garters out snap them on your sleeve" "Red garters on a dancing girl" "That's the main event of entertainment" "Red garters Red garters" "Red garters on me" "I'll meet you both right after dinner... and whatever you do, be careful of Calaveras." "We were just talking about you." "I'd like to talk about you, Jason." "Delighted, sure, my dear." "What was it about me that you wanted to talk to me about, Calaveras?" "There's bound to be another killing around here, Jason." "Followed by another barbecue... with an empty place for the guest of honor." "Well?" "I was wondering if this time you intend to do anything about it." "Why should I?" "To please me!" "I'm getting sick and tired of barbecues." "I can't stand the sauce they put on the meat." "What do you want me to do about it?" "Simply send word to whoever it was that killed Robin Randall... to get out of town until this thing blows over." "If I did that I'd be knuckling under to that pompous windbag... of a judge from Boston." "In addition to which, you'd be mighty unpopular with your constituents... if you interfered with their precious right... to murder one another whenever things get dull around here." "Isn't that correct?" "According to the Code... when one man kills another in an affair of honor... it's not murder." "That, Jason, would be small consolation to a lonely widow on a cold night." "Now, Calaveras." "Shouldn't I leave until you've finished dressing?" "Why, for heaven's sake?" "Somebody might come in and find us like this." "If it'll make you feel at home, just put your hat back on." "I was only thinking of your reputation." "What are you thinking of when you're horsing around with the Dorgan sisters... in full view of the public?" "Now, Calaveras, you know they don't mean anything." "They're just merely" "Yes, I know." "Bless their dear little hearts." "Whereas you're a lady." "You know darn good and well I earn my living by singing in a saloon." "Yes, but" "You know that every man who buys champagne for me... expects more for his investment than was ever trampled out of a grape." "But, Calaveras" "Does the mere fact that I disappoint them make me a lady?" "Yes." "Why?" "Because I love you, that's why." "So your love for me makes me a lady, does it?" "I wish I could do as much for you." "What do you mean by that?" "Look, Jason, I asked you for a favor a little while ago." "Are you willing to make a stab at it?" "Calaveras, that's asking too much." "Goodbye, Jason." "You might at least give me a chance to think it over." "When you've reached a decision, come back." "I told you I love you." "What more do you want?" "Goodbye, Jason." "I'm gonna...." "So long!" "Hey, what'd you do to Jason, duck?" "I caught him with his hat off." "Sometimes you treat that man shameful." "Why?" "Because of six innocent kids who deserve to grow up in a decent town... and be proud of their father." "Which six kids?" "Mine and Jason's, of course." "Well, well, well." "And don't ask me their names." "The poor little devils haven't even been born yet." "And the way things look, I don't think they ever will be." "Well, well, well, well, well!" "Well!" "What kind of holiday falls on July 13?" "It's the anniversary of the one and only battle ever fought in Limbo County." "Who fought it?" "White men and Indians, who else?" "Who won?" "Who won?" "Well, I ain't bragging, but that battle set the palefaces back 1 0 years." "And my grandmother's got a trunk full of scalps to prove it." "Around here, we'd celebrate the anniversary of a smallpox epidemic... just for an excuse to dance." "Who's going to dance with whom?" "It seems to me this town's been deserted for a whole week." "It seems that way to me, too." "I don't know." "I haven't noticed any startling decrease in the population... excepting for the absence of Reb Randall and Rafael Moreno." "A girl should never plan On hitching with a man" "Who's used to roaming near and far" "I'm just not worthy of The gal I'd like to love" "Of course there ain't no men who are" "With a whoop and a holler And a dime and a dollar" "I'm a lucky son of a gun" "Wherever I go I guess you know" "I tip my hat to none" "With a whoop and a holler And a dime and a dollar" "I'm a lucky son of a gun" "I tip my hat to one" "Greetings, my lovely ones." "As you observe, we have returned." "We were not by any chance missed, were we?" "You weren't missed, and for my part, it wasn't by any chance." "I didn't miss you on purpose." "How can anyone miss anybody when nobody said goodbye to anybody?" "Well, we kind of left on the spur of the moment." "What were you looking for, a bank to rob?" "Reb was looking for this person who so carelessly killed his brother." "I went along to see that he did not shoot the wrong man." "Our search was a failure." "But we are not discouraged." "This person might be at the big dance." "You ladies, I hope, plan to attend this dance?" "Don't look at me." "I didn't kill Reb's brother." "Where are you off to, Susana?" "I was just going to get ready for the dance." "Susana, I forbid it." "You can't keep Susana away from certain persons all her life." "Especially if she's been crying her heart out... over a certain one of them every night this week." "Is this true?" "All I can say is that every time I look at him..." "I know that the most I ever want out of life... is to cook his meals and wash his clothes... and mend his socks and scrub his back... for as long as he lives." "Susana, you mean...." "Yup!" "Oh, I wish I could have said that." "Susana, go ahead to the dance." "No, she don't." "If Jason insists on butting in, let him scrub Reb Randall's back." "Thank you." "Don't you dare." "Go on, Susana." "I don't like this, Calaveras." "I don't like it at all." "Look, if we're gonna have a battle... let's fight over something more important than who scrubs whose back." "Such as what?" "Such as barbecues." "You're gonna start that again?" "You told me you were going to think a certain matter over." "Reb hasn't found out who killed his brother yet." "What are you gonna do when he does find out?" "Well, you know the Code." "You know how long a reformer would last around here." "That doesn't answer my question." "Now, you see here, Calaveras." "The mere fact that I love you... doesn't give you the right to interfere in how I run this town." "Mind my own business, is that it?" "Well, I...." "I don't think my pants would look very attractive on you, my love." "On you, they don't look so good either, my love." "We both can't wear them." "I wouldn't be caught dead in them, which may happen to you any day." "I'd rather be caught dead in them... than to have people say I've traded them for a petticoat!" "I know he's filled with good intentions" "But he only makes me sad" "He's always wrong with good intentions" "They might just as well be bad" "I swear that he'll never get me down" "I keep my spirits high" "Then all at once he'll let me down" "And I wonder" ""Why try?"" "I get so tired of good intentions" "And I say I'll let him go" "But I" "Love him so!" "Vaquero, be careful here" "She's waiting here" "To kiss you and crush you, Vaquero" "Take care" "Vaquero, her flashing eyes Will hypnotize" "And claim you Enflame you" "Vaquero, take care" "You barbarian!" "My cousin, I see you've recovered my hat which I have so carelessly lost." "Where did you lose it, Rafael?" "I remember distinctly." "It was on the road to Whiskey Flats." "On the night my brother was killed?" "I shall never forget the night your brother was killed." "I was at a dance in Jimtown." "Then, if you were at a dance in Jimtown that night" "In Jimtown I danced with Chiquita..." "Marquita, Anita, Conchita... and a large woman by the name of Bertha Baumstetter." "Some dancing." "Oh, I drank, yes." "I drank mescal, tequila, rum, gin, beer, redeye." "Some drinking." "And then I started home." "I did not walk." "No." "I floated." "I know what you mean." "I sang songs." "I danced." "But there was only one thing missing to keep me happy..." "and that was a good, rousing fight." "I can understand that." "Then I met this man... who, unfortunately, was your brother." "And then?" "Then I kindly offered to remove his gall bladder... at absolutely no expense to himself and he refused." "I volunteered to break both his arms and his legs... with just my bare hands." "He was not interested." "So you started the fight, Rafael?" "I turned to leave." "There was a shot." "My hat flew off." "And after that, we both shoot many times." "When it was all over... your brother Robin was no longer alive." "Golly, Rafael, why did you go and make a fool out of me... by pretending to help me find the man that killed Robin?" "I did not wish you to learn something that might force me to kill you." "But, now, what must be will be." "I'm sure enough sorry to have to do this, Rafael." "I kind of like you." "Don't apologize, amigo." "It's your funeral." "How do you want this fight, Western or Southern style?" "Seeing there's so many ladies present..." "I think it might be more fitting if you fought Southern." "Jason!" "Back to back and 1 0 paces." "Let's make it five, it's getting a little late, men." "What are they going to do?" "He's going to kill the man which killed his brother." "You mean...." "Yup." "Now, you both know the rules as laid down by the Limbo County Dueling Commission." "Yeah." "Okay, back to back." "And on the count of five, turn and fire." "Ready?" "Ready." "One." "Two." "Three." "Time's running out, Jason." "You keep out of this." "You, too." "Four." "Five!" "Stop!" "Jason, are you gonna let one of these idiots kill the man Susana loves?" "What?" "Hang on to your pants, Jason." "They're slipping." "If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes, I wouldn't have believed it!" "Jason, what's happened to the Code of the West?" "Don't ask me." "I'm having enough trouble hanging on to my pants." "This can't be!" "This just can't be!" "If you let Reb and Rafael get away with this... you'll live to see the day, when there won't be anybody left... manly enough to shoot even a sheriff." "Are you gonna stand still for this insult to the honor of Limbo County?" "No!" "All right, then." "Come on!" "Howdy, Rafael." "Buenos noches." "I'm sure enough glad I didn't have to kill you this afternoon." "On the contrary, amigo, it's I who am overjoyed... because I was able to spare your life." "Ain't you two afraid to be out alone at night... without no woman to protect you?" "Yes." "How would you two lovie-dovies like to hide behind my skirts?" "Oh, there you are!" "It's a good thing I found you two before it's too late." "Too late for what?" "To save the honor of Limbo County, that's what!" "Why, if word of this ever gets out..." "Limbo County's gonna be the laughing-stock of the whole West!" "And everybody's gonna blame you, Rafael." "Reb here's an outsider, but you, you're a hometown boy." "Wait a minute." "It's not his fault I didn't shoot him." "I couldn't bring myself to kill the man Susana loves." "What is this?" "What makes" "What makes you think Susana's gonna be happy... when everybody finds out she's in love with a coward?" "Why, don't you realize if you two don't come to your senses... you'll be the first men in the history of Limbo County... to ever violate the Code of the West?" "I had a guy" "He took a train" "Why did he go?" "Who can explain?" "It was a great love story" "Now, it's just bad news" "Thought he was fair" "Thought he was kind" "Funny how life" "Changes your mind" "It was a great love story" "Now it's just bad news" "He was my one and only" "Now I'm Lady Lonely" "Wondering will he return?" "My heart is aching" "Here's the point I'm making" "Women don't Women won't learn" "Tried to do right" "Guess I did wrong" "Now every night Lingers too long" "Yes, it was some love story" "Now it's just bad news" "Sing that part again, sister." "That's where it hurts." "It was a great love story" "Now it's just bad news!" "I got news!" "How many times have I told you not to interrupt the show?" "But, you don't understand" "Boys!" "Tomorrow morning at 1 0:00." "Thank you, fellows." "Things are gonna happen around here." "You're gonna be sorry...." "Now, what's this all-fired news you got?" "The fight's on again!" "Reb and Rafael are gonna shoot it out." "What?" "Yep!" "Hold it, everyone!" "The big shooting match is on again." "What?" "Yep, tomorrow morning, 1 0:00." "Main Street." "A brave man" "Will die in the morning being true to his Code" "Two men will fire" "At a given warning" "One will return down the road" "Goodbye, Jane" "Goodbye, Joe" "One will return down the road" "One man" "Is kind of a stranger" "One a man we all trust" "They're both too proud" "To retreat from danger" "Soon one will lie in the dust" "Goodbye, Jane" "Goodbye, Joe" "Soon one will lie in the dust" "They don't claim" "To hate one another" "But they're caught in the web" "Sometimes a man" "Has to fight his brother" "Pity Rafael and poor Reb" "Goodbye, Jane" "Goodbye, Joe" "Pity Rafael and poor Reb" "A man must be" "True to his honor" "Or be scorned by the crowd" "And though we know" "One will be a goner" "He'll meet his maker unbowed" "Goodbye, Jane" "Goodbye, Joe" "He'll meet his maker unbowed" "It's easy to live as a coward" "Some may say this is best" "Your heroes die just as life has flowered" "That is the Code of the West" "Goodbye, Jane" "Goodbye, Joe" "That is the Code of the West" "That is the Code of the West" "Hey, duck, who do you suppose is gonna win that fight tomorrow?" "You think Reb's a good bet at one to two?" "Why?" "'Cause I'm trying to trap myself a fast buck... and I don't mean no male Indian, neither." "Minnie." "Don't tell me you'd try to make money that way." "I guess not." "If I did, I wouldn't be able to look myself in the face when I shave in the morning." "Well, it was a temptation." "You're no different than a lot of the others." "They all think murder's a spectator sport." "Their idea of good, clean fun is to stand on the sidewalk... and watch somebody get killed." "Even the little kids." "It keeps them out of pool halls." "I'd like to teach them all a lesson." "I'd like to take each one of them, and...." "Reb!" "Is it true, Reb, what I just heard, that you're going to fight Rafael after all?" "Everybody seems to think I am." "Everybody's kind of planning on it." "But you're not going to do it, are you?" "I thought I was." "But, now that I look at you, I guess I'll just slip out of town tonight." "Why?" "I don't care what they say, Susana." "I'm just not gonna stay here and shoot the man you love." "If that Rafael doesn't treat you right, you just let me know." "I'll come back and kill him a whole lot." "Goodbye." "Oh, Reb, how could you be so dumb, stupid, blind?" "It's you I love." "Yeah, I know that." "But I wasn't in any danger this afternoon." "It was...." "What did you say?" "It's me you love, not Rafael?" "Of course, my vain, arrogant darling." "I'd never have believed it in a million years." "Susana!" "Meet a happy guy" "Simple words sweetly said" "Filled my heart and turned my head" "Now I know that you're in love with me, dear" "Meet a happy guy" "Here you are, by my side We'll be living high and wide" "Now I know how happy we can be, dear" "Oh, what you do to me It's all so new to me" "You're so ideal, so divine" "Just a walking valentine" "Meet a happy guy" "Got my way, got my love" "And I'll tell you what, my love" "Your sweet touch has made me such a happy" "Happy guy" "Lucky me, loving you" "Knowing that you love me, too" "Your sweet touch has made me such a happy, happy guy!" "Susana." "Boy, I'm a whole heap glad I don't have to run out on that fight with Rafael tomorrow." "Oh, no, Reb, you can't mean that you still intend to" "But, Susana, now that you don't love Rafael, I haven't got any reason not to fight him." "You mean you won't love me any more?" "I'll always love you, no matter what you do, Reb." "But if you go through with this..." "I'll never have anything to do with you as long as I live." "Susana." "Oh, it's you." "Look, Reb, you've been bad news ever since you came to town." "Come on, I want to talk to you." "I hope Reb shoots you, not fatally, but painfully." "Would you really want me to be shot?" "If you don't believe me, give me your gun and start running." "Sheila, such hatred can only be born of a more tender emotion." "Tender?" "There's nothing tender about my feeling for you, Rafael." "It's a feeling that if I said it out loud, it could get me banned from Boston for life." "Now, I know what's the matter with me." "I've found love." "Love is greater than I thought" "It's amazing how I fought" "I would laugh at love Scoff at love" "Just too smart to be caught" "I was mad to take the chance" "Of a life with no romance" "Nearly missed the boat And I quote" "This is greater than I thought" "Love is such a will-o'-the-wisp" "Never stays in one spot" "So if you want the thrill-o'-the-wisp" "Grab it while it's hot" "It was closer than I thought" "And my "No sir" nearly brought" "Years of bitter ache What a break" "I did not make that big mistake" "Oh, lover, this is greater than I thought" "I was colder than snow" "Easy 20 below" "Lady Eskimo" "I was certainly blah" "Looked at love as bourgeois" "From my lofty plateau" "Days tumbled by pell-mell" "And nothing sang in my heart" "Then I was saved by the bell" "You rang in my heart" "Now I know that Love is such a will-o'-the-wisp" "Never stays in one spot" "So if you want the thrill-o'-the wisp" "Grab it while it's hot" "It was closer than I thought" "And my "No sir" nearly brought" "Years of bitter ache What a break" "I did not make that big mistake" "Oh, lover, it was later than I thought" "And love is greater than I thought" "Yes, it's greater than I thought!" "You inspire me." "Tomorrow I will shoot like an angel." "Oh, no!" "You're not going through with the fight." "What would you have me do?" "Once a man starts to run, he must keep on running... and always public opinion on a fast horse is breathing down his neck." "Something worse is going to be breathing down your neck, my fantastic darling." "What is that, my love?" "The militia, that's what!" "I'm going to have my uncle telegraph for them right away." "She doesn't know that the militia never arrived in time to stop a fight... in all its history." "But they always arrive in time to arrest the winner." "What's a few days in the calaboose?" "Just long enough for a Boston girl to decide she doesn't want to nest with a jailbird." "You come with me, I want to talk to you." "Hey, Ginger, I got a great idea." "Let's rope off the street here and charge these outsiders admission." "I should say not." "This here fight's just as much a natural resource as Niagara Falls." "It belongs to all the people." "Hey, Buckett, you're so interested in barbecues... how come you ain't never done nothing to promote a little excitement around here... such as finding out who killed your brother?" "Well, it's like everybody says, I'm a coward, I am." "Make way, I say." "Make way!" "I shall not tolerate mob rule!" "I shall have you all arrested." "What is it, Uncle?" "I've just discovered that the telegram I sent for the militia last night... didn't get through, but there still may be time for me personally to summon help." "Don't try it, Judge." "They're dangerous." "I dare them to stop me." "I dare you ruffians to stop me!" "Get out!" "What's all this?" "What's going on?" "You missed all the fun, Jason." "What a pity." "One of your friends just tried to kill Judge Winthrop." "Yep." "He started for the militia." "Somebody thoughtfully cracked him in the skull with a rock." "You would have enjoyed it." "He bled all over the place." "Profusely." "What...." "Howdy, ma'am." "Why do you insist I enjoy bloodshed, Calaveras?" "Maybe you haven't admitted it even to yourself." "But you'd be happy, wouldn't you, if both Reb and Rafael were killed?" "For what?" "Girls." "Why should I be?" "Because both of them had the extreme bad taste to beat you to the draw recently." "Calaveras, are you calling me a coward?" "Not without due deliberation, Jason." "Maybe you're not afraid of a guy with a gun in his hand... but you are afraid of public opinion." "You are afraid to try to cheat... those modern-day Romans of yours out of their holiday." "You hate me, don't you?" "I'm sorry, Judge." "Of course I hate you, you big idiot, but it's only because I love you so much." "Calaveras, do you really mean that?" "I'm a poor, weak woman." "I can't help myself." "Will you marry me?" "One of these days, when your conscience catches up to you, Jason... an understanding wife might come in pretty handy... to keep you from cutting your own throat." "Calaveras, I asked you will you marry me?" "Yes, doggone it!" "Even though I'll hate myself every morning for the rest of my life." "Thank you." "Where do you think you're going?" "I'm going for the militia and don't nobody try to stop me." "Don't nobody try to stop me!" "And you stand still." "Don't go, Jason." "It's too late, anyway." "I'll make it this time." "No!" "Let him go, duck." "He's doing it for those six kids." "Ride, Carberry!" "Ride!" "Tortillas!" "Tacos!" "Balloons!" "Time!" "Ready?" "If you don't stop this bloody affair, I'll have the militia arrest all of you!" "Judge, go sit down, will you?" "It's the Code of the West." "Sorry." "How could you do it?" "But I did not intend to shoot him." "I love this man like a brother." "You know what we planned." "You planned it." "No, nobody was going to shoot nobody." "When she told me my friend Reb had decided not to kill me..." "Calaveras and I planned a big joke on these people... who were so eager to see a man die." "A joke?" "Yes, it was supposed to be a joke." "And the joke was going to be on all of you." "I wanted to see the disappointed looks on your faces... when you realized there wasn't going to be any bloodshed." "Now the joke's on me." "The show's over." "You can all go home now... and feel real proud of yourselves." "Hold it!" "I said, hold it." "There won't be any dueling here today." "You're a little late, Jason." "The duel is over and poor Reb is dead." "I'm mighty sorry, Calaveras." "Me, too." "And that's the man that did it!" "And I demand, sir, that you arrest him immediately." "If you send him to jail, I go, too." "Niece, drop that man!" "Hey!" "Wait a minute there, Judge!" "What you all want to go and arrest Rafael for?" "For killing you, of course." "Take him away." "The bullet just creased his forehead." "Excuse me." "This is something which I do not understand." "I am shooting at my friend this way... but the bullet mark on his head, she's going that way." "My gun, she does not shoot around corners." "Then the bullet could only have come from one direction." "All right, Jason, now." "I give up!" "Stop the consarned shooting!" "Buckett!" "Hey!" "Why'd you try to kill me, Billy?" "'Cause I don't like guys whose brother killed my brother." "You mean, my brother Robin killed your brother?" "He sure did." "One Waldo Buckett by name." "Yeah." "And $2 will get you $4... if Billy ain't the polecat which killed Robin!" "Just a moment." "This cannot be." "I never miss, except on purpose." "When you're drunk you can't hit the broad side of a buffalo..." "with a hat full of buckshot." "But, Jason" "Speak up, lover." "How did you do it?" "You better talk, Billy." "When two guys is banging away at each other with guns... it ain't very hard for a third guy to slip in a shot without being noticed." "Why, you dirty...." "All right, so it ain't very honorable... but us cowards got to do the best we can." "Do you hear that, Officer?" "Arrest that man immediately." "Don't let them do this." "They'll take me out and hang me." "No, you don't." "I'm scared to death of being hung!" "Come on and draw, Reb!" "I'm the guy which killed your brother!" "Why don't you draw?" "No, Billy, law and order's come to Limbo County." "Come on, now, Reb." "You owe this to me." "Remember, the Code of the West?" "Sorry, Billy, but the Code's not for cowards." "But, Reb!" "Take him away!" "And you know what to do with him!" "You mean..." "Yup!" "Ki-yi, big doings" "No more killing Got the villain" "Hey, all you roaring cowboys Ain't this a pretty sight?" "Red garters on a dancing girl We'll have a time tonight" "Ki-yi, big doings" "I never had a gal My horse has been my pal" "And we been raising lots of heck" "Ain't this a lovely day?" "But now I think I'm ripe And you're the gingham type" "To drop the noose around my neck" "With a dime and a dollar And a whoop and a holler" "You're a lucky son of a gun" "It was closer than I thought" "And my "No sir" nearly brought" "Years of bitter ache What a break" "I did not make That big mistake" "Oh, lover, this is greater than I thought" "Ki-yi, big doings" "Ladykiller, that's my way" "Ladykiller, that's what they say" "With a Ki-yi, big doings" "We're a-heading for a wedding" "I'm glad you had those good intentions" "Now I'll never let you go" "I believe in all your good intentions" "'Cause I love you so" "Ki-yi, big doings"