"Introducing ... ing ... ing ... ing ... number forty-four, four, four, four, four," "Brighton Sheffield ..." "field ... field ... field." "He's safe." "And the crowd goes wild!" "My coach thinks I'm pretty good." "I just need work on catching and spitting ... ach ...." "Don't even think about it." "Brighton, this is the athletic supporter you picked out?" "Who'd you buy it for, Mr. Ed?" "He's a Sheffield." "He'll grow into it." "Is it me, or did someone just turn the heat on around here?" "Miss Babcock, there's a gentleman on line three who claims to be your father, and I admire him for having the guts to admit it." "Yes, she's right here." "Hello, Father." "How nice." "Goodbye." "Oh ... another Hallmark moment." "So, your father's here." "What's he like?" "We're complete opposites." "We have nothing in common." "Oh, I can't wait to meet him." "I'm far too busy, besides I saw him last year." "We had dinner and shared a cab." "Stay tuned for the Babcock Family Christmas Special." "You gotta see him." "It's like my mother always said ..." "You can freeze anything?" " No." "Why buy Sweet and Low when restaurants are giving it away?" " No." "Seven cans of tuna fish count as one in the express line?" "No." "My mother always said ..." "blood is thicker than water and you can wash 'em both off of plastic slip covers." "Miss Fein, what are you babbling about?" " You have to make time for family." "Why don't you have him over for dinner?" "Niles can whip something up." "I would like him to meet the man in my life." "Oh, by all means, bring him along." "I'll blow him up and put him in his usual chair." "Put your fingerprints on one more crab puff and you'll find mine on your neck." "Boy, you're in a grumpy mood." "What's the matter, your corns actin' up again?" "They're excruciating, inflamed, throbbing pustules, begging to burst." "I'm glad they're not makin' wine." "Niles, we can't use this china." "The pattern is hideous." "That's not the pattern, it's your reflection." "If I'm going to see my father, everything has to be perfect." "He is demanding, critical, judgmental." "You have no idea what it's like to be around someone like that." "Totally in the dark." " Not a clue." "Maxwell?" " Hm?" "You have little planes all over your tie?" " So?" "So, Dad's a Navy man." "Don't you have anything with boats?" "Oh, never mind, I'll get it for you myself." "Any excuse to get in his drawers." "Niles, Gatorade alert. / Hey, I thought you were supposed to be at Little League." "I was. / Well, where are your grass stains?" "They don't grow grass on the bench." " Oh, shut up, Olive Oil." "I played right field." " Oh ..." "loser land." "Hey, I played right field." "Oh ...." "Tell you what." "What do you say I get us a couple of box seats at opening day at Shea Stadium, huh?" "And you'll see how the pros do it." " Hm, or at least the Mets." "Hello." "Kitten, you haven't aged a bit." " Daddy, I'm over here." "And she has her mother's sense of humor." "None." "Well, call me crazy, but I think I like him." "Stuey, you're a stitch." "So, finally, I had to slip the doorman a hundred dollars to give me his pants." "Oh, my God." "That must have been embarrassing." "Talk about embarrassing." "My parents were once on "Let's Make A Deal."" "Nine hundred people knew it was door number one." "They had to pick the box." "P.S. Carol Merrill on a tricycle." "Well, if you want to talk embarrassing" "Ivana and I were down in Palm Beach, at Mara Lago, and we locked ourselves out of the poolhouse." "There we were, dripping wet with no towels!" "We didn't even have espadrilles." "So, Stewart, how long are you here for?" "Oh ... oh ...." "The gardener saw us, too." "Just long enough to do some business." "Did I mention that I bought a Picasso?" " Not since the salad." "I have to check out some new hotel properties and I'll meet with the foreign investors, and I suppose I have to show my face at this Streisand thing." "Barbra Joan Streisand?" "Born April twenty-fourth, nineteen forty two, to Manny and Diana Steisand, of Four Fifty-Seven Schenectady Avenue, Brooklyn?" "I take it you are a fan." "Oh, well, if you call turning your bedroom into a shrine ... seeing all of her movies twenty-five times, paying two hundred dollars for a piece of chewing gum from the bottom of Barbra's shoe ...." "Is ... is that what that framed thing in your room is?" "Oh, no." "That's the sour ball that Elliot Gould spit out, but he was married to her at the time." "I'd say she qualifies as a fan." " Hm-hm." "I'm part of the consortium that's backing Barbra's tour." "Oh, you must be plotzing!" "Franny Fein, we don't plotz." "I'm with you, Daddy." "I find her singing irritating." "Ah!" "An entire acre of Beth Shalom Cemetery just rolled over." "Well, it's her voice." "It's so nasal." "Well, that's part of her charm." "I didn't know that you disliked her, C.C." "Fran, would you like to go?" "Oh ..." "I'm sorry." "It's just too much for me." "I mean, the idea of finally seeing Barbra in person!" "And our tickets are in the front row." "Did you see her eyes roll back?" "That was so cool." "Might I suggest a safety belt for the concert?" "There is one more thing, but ... perhaps someone should hold onto her." "I'm okay." "Give it to me straight." "We're going backstage." "I'm fine." "You don't mind, do you, sweetheart?" "I mean, since you hate her so much." "Is he talking about Barbra or Fran?" "No, please, go ahead." "Enjoy." "Good." "Then it's settled." "Now, my boy, what position do you play?" "Well, see, it's not so much the position you play, it's just that you're being part of the team." "Right field, huh?" " Yeah." "Poor thing." "She held on as long as she could." "Yes." "All right." "Goodbye." "Niles, crack open the champagne!" "The Theater Guild has finally invited me to speak at this year's Broadway symposium." "So Andrew Lloyd Weber is ...." " Out of town." "And Sondheim?" " Busy." "And Gower Champion?" " Dead." "Ah, just have my gray suit ready by Saturday." "Along with your baseball cap, sir?" "What?" "Oh, no." "Oh, is that the day I promised to take Brighton to the ballgame?" "Home run, sir." "Maxwell ...." " Oh, C.C., I've got a problem." "Well, I have problems of my own." "My father is missing." "He could be lying dead in a ditch somewhere for all I know." "No, he's not missing." "He's out shopping with Miss Fein." "Oh, God, worse!" "C.C., you're not jealous, are you?" "Me?" "Ha!" "Please!" "It's just that she's taking time away from his work and time is money." "And his money will someday be her money." "So naturally I'm concerned." " Hm ...." "Fran, this dress is going to be fabulous on you." "Oh, Stu, you are like a fairy godfather." "All I said was that I was in the mood for a Big Mac and you got me a Bob Mackey." "Please don't mention it." "I love spoiling you." "Oh, well, if it gives you pleasure." "Hey, I saw a pair of shoes at Bergdorf that would make you ecstatic." "I'll see you tonight. / Okay." "Have you told anyone that you're going to Streisand?" "Well, just my mother, but she'll let the greater tri-state area know." "Okay, see you later, Stu." " Goodbye, kitten." "Kitten?" "Oh ...." "Niles, I told you to cut the tops of your shoes out like my father does." "Only if I can have the powder blue socks and Bermuda shorts to complete the look." "Oh, I had such a wonderful time with Stu." "I feel just like Cinderella." "Hm, only in this case, there's an evil stepdaughter." "Where the hell are they?" "I can't believe they're not back yet." "Who?" "The swallows." "Capestrano." "Check on it, Niles." "Miss Babcock, you don't have a problem with me spending time with your father, do you?" "No, Miss Fein, please." "I couldn't care less." "Oh, good, because if they get married, Miss Fein will be your new Mummy." "Can you believe she fainted?" "Oh, God, she's gonna get lipstick all over the couch." "Miss Babcock." "Miss Babcock." "Need some smelling salts?" "Brighton, quick, give me your sneaker." "Well, that woke her up." "Oh, and just when I was about to slap her." "Oh, quit it, you two." "Don't tease ... my daughter." "Say, in the will, doesn't the daughter come after the wife?" "I'm kidding." "If I were you, I'd be more concerned that the daughter would come after the nanny." "Oh, well, I know I'll be sleeping with one eye open." "Ah, Brighton, I have to talk to you." "Am I in trouble?" " No, I rather think I am." "Great." "I have time for this." "Well, you know how much I wanted to take you to this ballgame." "Oh, you can't make it?" "That's no problem." "The thing is ..." "I'm afraid I'm just not gonna be able to make it." "Dad, it's like I said." "No problem." "I know you're so desperately disappointed, but you see, I ..." "I've been waiting years for the Theater Guild to invite me to speak and, you see, they just called, so I ...." " Dad!" "Hello!" "Did I mention ... no problem!" "?" "So it's not a problem?" " No." "Oh, great." "Then it's not a problem." "Thanks, son." "Oh, I don't believe this." "Mr. Sheffield ... can I talk to you for just one minute?" " I doubt it." "Mr. Sheffield, how can you not take him to the game?" "Can't you see you're breaking that little boy's heart?" "He said it was no problem." "You must have heard him." "Oh, of course, that's what he said." "That's what kids always say." "They're not going to tell their father when they're dying inside." "They give off signals." "They act morose." "Sometimes they even have fits of anger." "And, finally, if they're despondent enough, they might even be driven to acts of violence." "Ouch!" "And that concludes today's audio/visual demonstration." "Look at me, Ma." "I look just like Barbra in "Yentel."" "Oh, Fran, this is the most exciting moment of my life." "Dressing my daughter for Barbra Streisand." "I thought the most exciting day was gonna be when you dressed me for my wedding." "Hm." "I decided to live for today." "Oy ..." " Girl, what's the matter?" "Your excitement peeked too early and now you're depleted?" "No, I just don't think I should be going." "Bite your tongue!" "Don't you love Barbra anymore?" "Ma, she's our leader." "Ah, I just think Mr. Babcock should be taking his daughter instead of me." "Miss Babcock doesn't wanna go." "Oh, she's afraid to reach out to him." "Don't you see?" "He's a father looking for a daughter, she's a daughter looking for her father." "They're like two trains in the tunnel, one is the express, one's the local, going side by side, never meeting up." "I'll tell ya, it's a tragedy." "Fran, look." "Oh, the Barbra Quarterly." "Oh, I love the Barbara Quarterly." "And Fran, look." " Oh, "Color Me Barbra."" "Oh, I love "Color Me Barbra." Ma, don't do this to me." "And Fran, look." " Oh ...." "My "On A Clear Day" wig." "Oh, Ma, I used to love this so." "Remember, I'd wear it everywhere." "Even to Uncle Harry's funeral." "Was that in poor taste, Ma?" " No." "He loved her, too." "So you'll go." " No." "Why not?" "!" " I just can't, Ma, and it's all your fault." "Mine?" " Yes, because you raised me too good." "Wasn't it you who said, "Family comes first"?" "Our family, not theirs." "Oh ...." "Oh, Niles, there's someone at the door." "Oh, and I thought another angel got its wings." "You should do something about your feet." " Oh, perhaps I can chew them off." "I'm thinking more of a visit to a chiropodist, but ... as long as you take care of it." "Oh ... oh ...." "Oh, just come in!" "Good evening, Niles. / Sir." "I ..." "I can't get you anything, can I, sir?" "No, no, no." "Maybe just a martini." "Extra dry?" " Oh, don't worry." "By the time you get it, it will be evaporated." "You look stunning!" "Just like Audrey Hepburn." "Oh ... too bad I sound like Selma Diamond." "You ready?" "I can't believe I'm about to say this, but ..." "I can't go." "Why not?" "Oh, because I'm this old softy, and well," "I think you should take C.C." "But I want to take you." "All right, let's go." " Fine." "Oh, no, no, no." "I can't, I can't." ""Memories, light the corner of my heart." / Ma, knock it off!" "Kitten, this is ridiculous." "C.C. doesn't even wanna go." "Yes, she does, because she wants to be with you, but she's afraid to tell you that she wants to be with you because she thinks that you don't want to be with her." ""Misty water colored memories ...."" "Ma, ganug already!" "You're startin' the twilight bar." "I've tried to reach out to C.C., but she pushes me away." "She just doesn't want to be with me." "She does wanna be with you, but she needs to know that you want to be with her." "People ...." ""People who need people are ..."" "Ah, you'll see the concert." "You're very wise. / Oh." "Ahhh ..." "Daddy!" "She also has her mother's timing." "C.C., open this door!" "Your father and I are very concerned about you!" "Go away!" "Open up, young lady!" " Niles, run and get a butter knife." "Oh, why don't we just starve her out?" "Ma, use your nail." "Her nails can open anything letters, diaries, my old boyfriend's Chevy." "I never had any privacy as a child." "Got it." "Acrylic." "C.C. / I don't wanna talk to you." "All right, I'm comin' in." "Cover me." "Ah, smoking!" "Not in my house, young lady." "It's not your house and it's none of your business." "And while we're having this little girl talk, I loathe you." "At least you're opening up." "Now, I wanna talk to you about your father." "You have got to stop pushing people away." " I don't push people away." "Excuse me, I'm trying to get some ash out of your hair." "People misunderstand me." "They think I'm a self-centered, cold-hearted witch." "Is everything all right?" "If they're like my Morty, they could be in there for hours." "You know, Fran was right." "I should have spent more time with C.C. when she was little." "Oh, Miss Fein has this annoying way of being right about those things." "Yeah, yeah." "Meanwhile, if ..." "you need another escort for the concert ... this outfit goes from day to night with just a few accessories." "I have the knife." "Oh, that's all right, Niles." "We don't need it now. / Mmm ...." "The thing is I just don't know what to do!" "Oh, there, there." "That's okay." "Okay." "Sssh ... ssh." "That's all right." "Hello?" "Calling next of kin." "Sssh ...." "Yeah, here's your daddy." "Here's your daddy." "I have never seen her cry before." "Well, maybe the crash of eighty-seven." "Oh!" "Ask her to the concert." "I would really love it if ... you would come with me to the concert tonight." "You would?" " Of course he would." "And C.C., I think you are very lucky to have a friend like Fran." "I know." "She's wonderful." "She's gonna let me wear her dress." "Bye!" "Have a good time." "Don't forget my Barbra program and my Barbra t-shirt and my Barbra mug with the nose handle!" "... Oh ...." "Darling, you did a good thing." "An incredibly stupid thing." "Yeah, well, you're the one that had the doctors use forceps when they delivered me." "The pain you caused me." "I would have let them use the Jaws of Life." "Miss Fein, that was a very lovely thing you did for C.C." "And I'm about to follow your selfless example." "Oh, well, good, then you could be as happy as I am." "Son, good news." "I've cancelled my theater lecture, so I can take you to the ballgame." "Bad news, Dad." "I made other plans." "But ... but I thought it was really important to you." "No, I told you I didn't care." " Ah, but you didn't really mean that." "Yeah, I did." "I don't know how I could have made it any clearer." "Well, he did say it was no problem." " Miss Fein!" "Don't be disappointed, Dad." "I'll go with you to another game." "The Mets aren't going anywhere." " That's for sure." ""The Way We Were."" "That is the best that Barbra ever sang that song." "I just love her." " I love her more." "I loved her first." " I'll love her last." "Wha?" "Oh, Ma, listen, Stu says he's got a surprise for us." "Hello, gorgeous." "Why are we always arguing about who's her biggest fan?" "There's plenty of room in Barbra's life for both of us." "Now let's continue." ""scattered pictures of the smiles we left behind ... smiles we gave to one another ... of the way we were."" "Don't you just love sitting around singing' Barbra tunes?"