"buddy." "Nothing!" "Sorry." "Habit." "I'm not actually doing anything wrong." "Just checking to see if I got into a.S.U." "Without us?" "!" "get in here!" "It's happening!" "Claire:" "Phil saw videos online of families celebrating the moment their kid got into college." "you can't beat that thing when an entire family's nervous anticipation turns into an explosion of utter joy." "n-y..." " Notre..." " Haley:" "Damn." "Claire:" "here we go." "And record and..." "Welcome to Arizona state"... my god!" "Welcome to Arizona state's admissions portal." "We regret to inform you"... pal... don't leave us in suspense." "What did they say? and guess who she was curled up with on her bed?" "I'm gonna be really upset about how you're teasing this out." "I love that she has a pet that she's close to like I was with my pet pig Lily." "after tricking me into naming our daughter after bacon." "I was very close to that pig." "I still have her ashes in the garage." "True. uh..." "I dropped a couple of pounds." "I knew Mitchell was lying." "I was just giving him the opportunity to come clean." "I had discovered the urn was empty." "Lily?" "I was thinking tonight maybe we could bury the ashes in the back yard after we get back from your dad's." "It's a perfect night to pay tribute." "W-why?" "The pig moon." "I'm sorry?" "One more time." "The pig moon. and it aligns with Orion." "Oh." "It's a huge deal back home. they empty out all the jails as a sign of goodwill." "a ceremony tonight?" "sweetie." "But don't we have grandpa's?" "you know what?" "We're always looking for a credible reason to leave early." "what are we supposed to say?" "No... no dessert for us." "We got to get home." "We got to bury the 25-year-old ashes of a Brunswick king sow." "Wow." "Nice attitude." "It's almost like you want pig moon John to fill your hunting boot with coal." "This is so slow! we're aware of the slowdown." "It's either a hack by the Chinese or that Chinese hack I hired to fix the website." "I'm trying to get tickets for tonight's Gloria Estefan concert." "That's a little on the nose." "it happened again!" "sit down here and pay attention. or they'll move to the next person." "this is exactly why we're not giving you a knife until you turn 6 years old." "I missed the days when people stood in actual lines. you didn't get to see Gary Puckett  the union gap." "Ow!" "Damn it!" "What?" "It was one second!" "Gloria:" "give it back to me." "No need." "I got 'em." "really?" "And you paid?" "you got your browser filling out your credit card info. whoever steals them will probably spend less than you." "what a b-u-tiful morning." "I joke because I've been accepted to b.U." "I'm so proud of you!" "I'm six for six." "So many suitors..." "Not sure which to choose from." "I feel like lady Mary in the last season of "Downton Abbey." "I'd avoid the big football schools." "And tonight we're going to celebrate." "We're going to a concert." "I got the tickets online." "I guess." "by the way?" "You can't buy them at the door." "It's a private concert." "It's just for the fan club." "I remember our first Gloria Estefan concert. holding the lighter." "I'm gonna leave." "before I know it." "right now." "I obviously need something to wear tonight." "okay." "I'll go with you." "What a great idea." "Go!" "Make a day of it." "wait..." "I can't go to the mall wearing my house heels." "What a good excuse to buy a nice pair of new ones." "That's why I love you." "Always remember that." "Mrs. Pasternak." "I'm sure you're wondering why I want these ashes. but I'm gonna need the urn back." "I'm gonna turn it into a lamp." "god!" "Is everything okay?" "You're looking a little ashen." "I'm fine. and I..." "I thought that I would..." "You would just replace them with Morris Pasternak's?" "How'd you know?" "His class ring is by your foot." "yeah." "That pig was my best friend." "Didn't you eat her mother?" "you have no respect for anything that's important to me." "My whole upbringing is just a big joke to you." "I was thinking about the pig moon funeral tonight and how important Lily was to you." "that is so sweet." "You definitely inherited her compassion. the one that you said that was museum quality?" "Can we bury it with her?" "I know exactly where it is." "I know exactly where it was." "Ohh." "Ohh!" "It's an e-mail for Luke from my Alma mater." "no!" "what if it's more bad news?" "Maybe you should read it first." "I am as anxious as you are but we can't violate his trust. but we'd know..." "He didn't get in." "What?" "!" "He's a legacy!" "Bulldog drool courses through his jowls!" "and it's his seventh rejection." "He's gonna be so disappointed." "And embarrassed." "We have that dinner at Jay's tonight." "I bet Manny got in everywhere." "god." "Is this it?" "is Luke not going to college?" "It's not over." "Delete." "What are you doing?" "I'm driving up there to tell them they made a mistake." "They'd be lucky to have a kid like Luke." "I guess it..." "It can't hurt." "it's not like they can super reject him." "Michigan did use that exact term." "Man:" "You're on Caliente 96.3 with Diego and the donkey." "Hello!" "Yes!" "I'm calling about the Gloria Estefan tickets." "And they're all yours if you can complete this Lyric..." ""Turn the blank around." Mm..." "One of her biggest hits from the '90s." "We've been playing it all morning." "Turn the car around." Nope." "Two more guesses." "Turn the boat around." "Try again." "Turn the economy around"!" "You're an ass." "Damn it!" "Wow." "I just got super accepted to Michigan." "He's the second Delgado to go to college." "My cousin went to the best medical school in Colombia." "They would not just accept any cadaver." "let's go." "but wait." "You remember when your head was this tiny?" "I think I'm set for hats." "Manny:" "I know when a female's about to burst into tears." "I've seen it enough times." "I had to keep my mom away from anything that reminded her I was moving away and keep myself away from Williams Sonoma." "I could lose an afternoon." "A pet store." "These are fun." "I think he misses his mommy." "He'll forget about her by the time we get to the car." "let's catch a movie." "They always help keep your mind off of things." "Oh." "officer... no!" "My car is only here because I was being responsible!" "I was babysitting my uncle Joe and got too drunk to drive home!" "What is this thing?" "!" "The barnacle." "They stick it on your car when you have unpaid parking tickets. because I knew they'd just overreact and I couldn't pay to remove it because I just maxed out my credit card on these insanely expensive pair of sunglasses." "I don't love 'em." "Cameron:" "Okay. and she'd be none the wiser." "it's like painting with sausages." "no pig painting by Lily here." "I do have some random scribbles that Luke made when he was... that's a little later than I'd hoped." "Cameron:" "Fine." "Not a word of this to Mitchell." "I'm sure you're curious why." "Wrong again." "Torrent downloaded from RARBG." "Hi." "You're the first one here." "Don't worry." "We don't have to make conversation." "Ooh!" "A scrapbook!" "look at this." "All of our old school projects..." "Paintings by me and Claire." "aren't 'cha?" "My lawyer's secretary put that together for my image at the divorce trial." "There's the old bear." "Grr!" "this is from my 8th birthday." "I made mom throw a party with a whole farm theme." "You know what?" "I need this." "Cam thinks I look down on his farm life." "bup." "This comes with a price." "right?" "that is offensive." "Not every gay person is connected to Gloria Estefan." "right?" "It's complicated." "Cam briefly dated a member the Miami sound machine." "He doesn't talk about it much." "Just whenever someone mentions her or Miami." "Or humidity." "Well... you get the picture." "Mean!" "hey!" "how would you feel about asking cam to use his connections to get two Gloria Estefan tickets for tonight and then secretly giving them to me? but I need you to help me with my car first." "but..." "They wouldn't understand." "It's not your fault." "Yeah." "Okay." "Let's go." "Mm-hmm." "Are we sure this is the best way to do this?" "All we have to do is make sure that my parents don't see it by moving it down the street." "Okay?" "Hold on." "I'm your eyes." "Hug the curb." "just..." "All right." "Straighten out." "T-turn on your hazards." "That's the windshield wiper!" "Haley:" "You're on my leg!" "Move!" "god!" "I'm..." "Mitchell:" "All right." "let's take a moment... please?" "I'm not..." "I'm s..." "I'm not..." "Are we going backwards?" "You put us in reverse." "hit the brake." "That is the gas!" "How do you have a license?" "!" "I can't move!" "You're on my leg!" "Okay." "Good first try." "Can't believe you didn't treat yourself to a bulldog blast. and the stuff they you use to cover the blue man group?" "Hi." "Hi." "We're here to see the Dean of admissions." "We called." "We're the Dunphys." "Ah." "I'll tell Dean Hinden you're here." "eh..." "Hinden?" "Yes." "Dean Rudolf Hinden." "I have a bad feeling." "you did just have two of those antifreezes." "No." "Rudy Hinden... we were classmates." "Super annoying... always "on. but we were never close." "you say "dog"!" "Bull!" "Dog!" "Bull!" "Dog!" "Rudy!" "This is my wife Claire." "Hi." "Pleasure." "Nice to meet you." "Wow." "please come on in." "Oh!" "Great trampoline." "Thanks." "I like to bounce at least 20 minutes a day." "It's where I get my best ideas." "Okay." "How quirky. where were nationals senior year?" "oh... hi-o!" "Can you imagine putting up with this for years on end?" "It's hard." "I'll give it some bounce time and hit you back with an answer." "you seem busy." "I'll get straight to it. and I think it's worth reconsidering." "He's a great kid." "He's just a late bloomer." "Okay." "I think we can make something happen for your boy." "Really?" "we've let in way worse applicants than him." "Rudy!" "Wha..." "Thank you!" "You're the b-e-s-t best!" "Yeah." "No problemo." "uh..." "Hey." "I've always wanted to ask you something." "You remember that magic trick you used to do where you got out of a straitjacket blindfolded?" "Barnum's humbug." "Yeah." "That one." "How'd you do it?" "Magic." "I-i feel like... really..." "I've been trying to figure it out for years." "I'm sorry." "It's... it's not customary for a magician to reveal his secrets." "It's also not "customary" for a Dean of admissions so..." "I'll go get the straitjacket from the nurse." "right?" "I don't know." "Let me bounce on it." "Phil." "Claire:" "Sweetheart?" "you can't possibly be struggling with this decision." "Do you know what happens to magicians" "Claire?" "They're shunned." "Doesn't that happen already?" "I possess knowledge passed down from the ancient Egyptian conjurers to the prestidigitators of the dark ages to the amateur illusionists of today." "I am worried about another trick." "I am trying to make our son disappear to a barely accredited four-year college." "here we are." "Why don't you go ahead and put these on." "no." "In here." "I want to make sure I get this." "I want to see everything." "Hm." "Okay." "I got it. um..." "It got weird." "Hinden:" "Okay." "All right." "Whenever you're ready." "is it?" "it's just for me." "The challenge with this escape releasing the shackles in the correct order baring yourself gradually." "more upbeat." "Do the patter." "What?" "I want to hear the old patter." "Blindfold him." "Take it." "Yes... sir." "Um..." "Phil." "you don't have to do this." "Luke can join the army." "It's okay." "but my mind is free." "Okay." "Imagine yourself in a museum filled with the world's oddities." "no." "Slow down." "Enjoy it." "And turn around so I can get a good look at the back." "Let me see the back." "Behold the freak for all to see." "Go get my tickets." "Is my hair a mess?" "It's so humid out." "You want to talk about humidity?" "I once spent a steamy weekend with a certain member of the Miami sound machine." "That's crazy!" "Do you know that they're in town tonight?" "What?" "Can you get me two tickets?" "my god." "These hands..." "They're so small and delicate like a child." "I know." "This watch came from an American girl doll." "yes." "Just as soon as you and your tiny little hands re-create a painting for me." "This way." "What do you think? but I'm afraid I circled right back to cute and approachable." "she's so lucky." "He's always gonna be her little boy." "you're projecting on these mannequins. and that's his wife who's evolved enough to see how big he is on the inside." "I know what you've been trying to do the whole day." "I am not about to have a breakdown because you're going to college." "I was awake last night when you were brushing my hair." "it's going to be hard so I'm not gonna get to see you all the time." "But we'll still talk on the phone. and then I am going to get busy." "Too busy to take my calls?" "I have made peace with it." "Your childhood days are over." "come back here!" "What are you doing?" "Don't run away from your mother." "Life is going to tear you apart soon enough." "I want to go on the merry-go-round." "you're on it." "You've got 10 years left with that woman." "Cherish them." "Cherish her." "Thanks?" "I think maybe I'm freaking out about going to school." "I see that." "But we're gonna be okay. even more special." "No!" "Guillermo!" "I don't want to!" "now it's just bad parenting." "This is excellent work." "Excellent work." "Really?" "I'm not used to hearing that." "I get why people try now." "Is that my painting?" "Why is it here?" "because it was on loan to your grandma and grandpa just like they do with real art." "Better than most of the stuff in this house." "Now get me those Gloria Esteban tickets." "It's Estefan." "That's what I said." "I'm a huge fan." "Okay." "Carlos." "Carlos." "Cameron Tucker." "I don't know if you remember me or not." "you... you do." "hi." "wondering if I could get a couple tickets for the show tonight." "Gloria Estefan." "silly." "What? and it turns out he is not a member the Miami sound machine." "He owns a mobile dog grooming business called Miami's hound machine." "I didn't need to be as alarmed with his collection of leashes and collars." "gather round. and I got a good feeling about this one." "Yeah." "can we not do this here?" "have a little faith." "Cannon's ready." "And record." "got it." "buddy. get ready to tell me how I'm my own kind of smart and how everyone takes their own path." "Wow." "and everyone..." "Jay:" "Kind of smart." "Cameron:" "Everybody takes their own path." "I got in?" "What?" "!" "He got in!" "You got in!" "What is wrong with this thing?" "this doesn't make any sense." "I got rejected by worse schools than this." "Why would they want me?" "Why wouldn't they want you?" "it's not all about grades." "you were involved in..." "In..." "Yay!" "Did you talk to them?" "what?" "Show me your tongue." "I don't know what that would prove." "This kind of seems like an embarrassing family moment." "I'm on it." "Blue!" "You can't go to that campus without getting a bulldog blast." "We went up there to tell them they made a mistake. and neither did the other schools." "I'm not going." "it's your last chance." "Then I'll wait until next year." "I want to deserve it." "I can respect that." "thank you." "You're going." "You have no idea what your father went through to get you this opportunity." "He debased himself in ways you can't imagine." "You said it wasn't that bad." "Gloria:" "What are you watching?" "Our neighbor sent me a video." "It's of Haley and Mitchell." "we don't need to..." "Mitchell:" "It's taking forever." "Haley:" "I'm pushing as hard as I can." "Whoa." "Wait." "You have one of those things on your windshield?" "How many parking tickets do you have?" "I think we're focused on the wrong thing here." "Luke's not going to college." "Why is your finger pink?" "This isn't mine." "I knew the perspective was off." "It's cam's fault." "He made me copy it from a photo." "You know what? and I couldn't live without it." "parenting magazine." "How is forging a child's painting any less egregious than replacing a pig's ashes with Mrs. Pasternak's dead husband?" "It's not." "I'm a hypocrite." "My whole life is a lie." "Carlos isn't really in the Miami sound machine." "He's just a... a basic dog groomer." "Save your money." "I couldn't get you your tickets." "Claire:" "You're spending money on tickets when you should be spending money on ticket..." "You know what I mean." "The concert tickets were for Mitchell." "So you didn't get my tickets?" "No." "So you didn't get my tickets." "The website was insane." "You'd need the reflexes of a mongoose." "You lied to me." "look around!" "Everybody's lying. swapping ashes." "I didn't want to ruin the pig moon." "There is no pig moon." "Missouri is?" "guys." "I've got this." "Guys." "I talked to judge Tager." "He'll make your parking tickets disappear in return for a couple of Cubans." "You took three." "The other one is for the security guard at the club." "He moonlights where Estefan's playing tonight." "He'll meet you by the stage door." "Thank you for fixing Jay's lies." "We all struggle with the truth." "Like last Thursday when I stalled Jay at the club so you could get Joe out of the doggy door." "and the stove was on." "And you two." "You know a guy at a club that can help us?" "No." "Just talk more." "90% of your problems would be solved if you just discussed things." "The Vanderkoff is a knock-off. and I had replaced it with a real one." "everything's settled here." "I think the steaks are ready." "Let's go eat." "I guess our son isn't going to college this year." "and I know we're supposed to be worried about him. how he solved everybody's problems like that?" "right?" "Claire... and just the right amount of Savoir Faire." "uh..." "I'll see you in the kitchen." "yeah." "It feels good to finally be free of that secret." "it's just great to have everything out in the open." "Yeah." "I moved it to cover up a hole I made in the wall. and I used the rest of the money on shoes." "I get electrolysis." "My beard grows up to here. and that's why those cowboys laughed at you when you did what I taught you." "That's not Larry." "That's not Larry."