" Wake up, you old piece of shit!" " Slappy birthday!" " Happy birthday." " Guys, guys, come on, please." "Not this year, guys." "I don't want to do it this year." "All right, all right." "Fine, I'll do it, but only because" "I'm already dressed, guys!" " Oh!" " Bam." " Are you ready for the birthday booze-athon?" " Walking, walking, walking, walking." " Well, it's your birthday, slappy birthday." " He's looking good, but you gotta wonder if his age is gonna be a factor in this year's Tour de Franzia." " I gotta slap the bag!" "Slap the bag!" " You can do it." "We all believe in you." "Very good." " Oh, he lost his helmet." "He missed the flamingo." " Nice, yeah." "Oh." " What is that?" "It's not beer." " No, it's whiskey." "I watered it down, though." " Okay." "All right, fine." " With beer." "Here we go." "Come on." "Come on." " Oh!" "[laughs]" " Booze-athon, yeah." " Come on, Dersel Hasselhoff." "Baywatch those beers, you're doing great." " No, dude, I can't do it." "I'm starting to get hot mouth." " Come on, they need your help." "Clock's ticking by, let's go." " No, no." " [laughs]" " Yeah." "Get 'em." " Eww." " Oh, my gosh." "Nobody's puked the pool in, like, a while." " It's been a while." "It's been too long, actually." " I guess we did it." " Yeah, it's been a while." " I'm done." " Well, you're paying for a pool cleaner." "I mean, don't be a dick about it." "That is an entire Bagel Bite." " He ate your Bagel Bites." " He ate my Bagel Bites." "[hip-hop music]" " ♪ I'm fresh ♪" "♪♪" " ♪ You gotta, you gotta, you gotta ♪" " ♪ You gotta be fresh ♪ [knocking on door]" " Ah, son of a bitch!" "Damn it!" " [groans]" "Where are you going?" " Well, this is Ders' birthday breakfast." "I got him some grapefruit, a grandpa bran muffin, and a shot of prune juice and Jagermeister, 'cause you saw him yesterday, man." "He's an old dude." " Yeah, he's crazy old." "It's bizarre how old he is." " It's not carrot cake." " Hmm, yuck." " No, no." " Nah, it's no good." " Yeah, it's for old men." " Yeah, Ders is old." "He's like a year and a half older." "You know how many months that is?" "That's like" " Anyways, don't mention anything about him getting old 'cause it's, you know, his birthday, and just play it cool." " I should help you carry the tray, though, because that looks heavy, and I'm..." " No." " Definitely have a solid core." " Okay." "I see what you're doing." "You're trying to say it's from both of us; it's not." " This is sort of from both of us, though, because... my mom gave us this tray when my grandma died." " Well, uh, tell your dead grandma I said thanks." " Whoa, look who's up." " Whoa, beef castle." " Oh, what's up with you guys?" "Who's swagging?" "You swagging?" " I-I think maybe." " Yeah." " Come on, man." " What are you listening to?" " Oh, dude, it's this new mash-up tape," "DJ Chris unchained!" "Lah-dow." " Very lah-dow- let me" " Mm-hmm." " Let me listen." "both:" "Yeah." " Like Jamiroquai mixed with Smash Mouth." "I hear it now." " Nope!" "That's a chop, buddy." " Ow, what-what was that?" "That was weird." " Why are you chopping him?" " It's a chop, man." "You say or do anything stupid, and that's a chop." "We used to do it on the playground when I was a kid, so I'm bringing it back." " Okay, well, yeah." " Yeah, that's cool." " Thank you for that, and thank me for this." "It's a breakfast for your birthday, and, oh, I got you this gift to you." " Yeah, you know what?" "Happy birthday." " Well, it's-it's just from me, not Adam." " It came on my tray, so..." " It's a golf polo." "Very American Dad-iator." " You could get married in something like that." "You could probably also get divorced in that as well." " Yeah, or a job interview or maybe, like, a soldier's funeral, or I was thinking, hey, you know, you want to be city councilman dude one day." "So maybe you could wear that, get elected." " It's not really what the young go-hards are wearing right now." "You know, the go-hards are wearing" "I can't wear this if I'm gonna run with the go-hards." " Very swag." " Maybe I'll-I'll just" "Oh, yeah." "There we go." "Get this bad boy there." " Cool, yeah." " That's much better." "That is much better." "You're very strong by the way." " Looks great, you're" " Yes." " That was $60." " City Councilman Dude?" "How about I try and be like city break-dancer man?" " Oh, I like that." " ♪ Boom, city break-dancer man ♪ both: ♪ City break-dancer man ♪" " ♪ Very swag, swag, swag, swag, swag ♪" " ♪ City break-dancer man ♪" " ♪ Swag, swag, swag, swag, swag ♪" " I got this one." "Adam, you got next." " That was fun." "That was my first taxi ride." " There you go." "Thank you." " It went pretty fast." " Thanks a lot." " Dude, what are we doing here?" "We should be out drinking more." " We should be out drinking more." " Yes." " We're not gonna do that." " Are we still gonna do that?" " We should do that." "[horn honks] all:" "Whoa." " Look at this." " Dude, this is swagged out." " Very swagged out." " Hey, hey, hey, you all like this, don't you, huh?" "This is Captain America type stuff right here." "I won this at the mall." "I guessed its weight." " Yo, dude, it's my birthday right now today." "Let me take this thing out for a smob." " Pbbbbbttt!" "[laughs] You out your mind?" "Colleen don't even get to ride in this, unless she's doing maintenance from the passenger seat." "And y'all know I'm talking about road-head." " Surprisingly, I did know that." " It's licky-licky time." " I don't care what you guys say." "Harry and the Hendersons is legit." " No, we said it was legit." " Whoa, yeah, here's my birthday present that I got you." " Oh, dude." " I put it in a box." " Thanks so much, except you're lying." "I had this next-dayed last night." " Oh, that's a chop." "[laughs]" " Who wants to do a snip-it?" " I love snip-its." " Uh, actually, we" " Wait, they're whip-its, right?" " Yeah, it's a whip-it." "People call 'em snip-its now." " What if we just, uh, ducked out into the bathroom and got drunk like usual?" "That'd be fun." " No, we are making memories and then destroying them." " Okay, no." "That is hippie crack, man." "Did we not all cry during that Steve-O documentary?" " Relax your mind." "I'm gonna blast off." " Oh, wow!" "[laughs]" "We're just celebrating big Ders-dog's birthday." " Yeah." " [slurring] Because the Ders-dog, and then there's everything that's happens to" " Sorry?" " Nothing." " Yeah, he's monkeying around again." " Whatever." "Look, uh, there's a big surprise for you in the break room." "It-it's a birthday cake." "Anyway, I'm not going." " Okay." " Anders, we have a dress code." "Can you please?" " It's Craig Norman, bitch." "all:" "Surprise!" " Yeah." " There he is!" "How does it feel to be 25?" "You gettin' up there." "[high-pitched whine]" " Ders, the secret to staying young is... laugh a lot." "[laughs]" "And... moisturize, moisturize." " You know, Anders, you're the same age my parents were when they had me." "And then they gave me away, and then I was adopted by those horrible Koreans." "Oh, well." "[I a u g h s] [echoing laughter]" " You old, bitch!" " Der, you old as dirt!" "You gettin' up there." "[laughs]" "Laugh a lot." "[laughter]" " All right, okay." "Just" " Oh." " I know how old I am!" " Sorry." "He's on a ton of drugs right now." "He's like drugged out of his mind right now." " Thank you." "Thank you." " No, Waymond, no, no!" "No!" "Bad Waymond, bad!" " Ders!" " Ders." "Gosh, what the heck is wrong with that guy?" " Whatever, we just gotta party through those demons." " No, that's the last thing we need to do." "We need to slow down." "Otherwise he's gonna turn into..." ""the Ders."" " That would be awesome." "I love "the Ders," and you love "the Ders."" "Last time we partied with "the Ders,"" "we went to Seven Mary Three." "Got us backstage." " He head-butted a female security guard, bum-rushed the stage, and dedicated a song to his dad." " Yeah, but that song was Cumbersome." "And it meant a lot to all of us at the time." " Did it, though?" " That's my favorite dersion of Vers." " [laughs] Whoo-whoo!" "[tires screech]" "All aboard to downtown Pound Town." "all: ♪ Too heavy, too light, too black or too white ♪" "♪ Too wrong or too right, today or tonight ♪" "♪ Cumbersome ♪" " Oh, we are so American." "This is the most American thing we could do right now." " Whoo!" " I feel like I'm in a parade." " How cool of Montez to let you borrow his new car." " Yeah, that's cool." " Borrow that dude's car?" "Dude, I took the keys right off that fool's desk." " Whoa." " Ha!" " Holy grand theft auto." "You're badass." "That's American." " Thank you." "Stealing cars is American." "Where are we going?" " Dude, we're going straight to Pound Town." " Yeah, baby." " Population three, cheap import beer, cheap export swag." " Ah, okay." " Exported swag, I like it." " I know it's your birthday." "I don't want to be a wet serape, but maybe we should go home to Chill Ville." "It's pretty cool, plus, Adam, nobody serves beer at 10:30, so help me out." " Yeah, a little place called Dolphin's strip club most definitely dooze." "Um, they're not open yet." "Damn it." " No, it's fine that it's closed because home has tons of pornography." "I know that's a fact." "And the kitchen serves beer all day." "It's gonna be fun." " We could just go drink at a parking lot somewhere." "That's a chop, even for suggesting going home." "Consider yourself chopped." " That's a chop back." " No, ten for contact." "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10." " Is that real?" "Is that part of the game?" " I've never heard that, but I like that." " ♪ You wanna get real, whoo, then act real ♪" " ♪ We got fun and food ♪" " ♪ At Dante's ♪" " ♪ Dante's ♪ - ♪ Dante's ♪" " ♪ Pizza palace ♪" " Wow, very good." " [laughs] All right." " This place is awesome, man," "Where did you-where did you find out about this spot?" " Dude, my dad took me here for my 11th birthday." "He got weird drunk, and he showed up, most importantly." " That was the first time I got arrested at 11." " This is really fun, guys." "I'm having a great time." "I didn't think I would say this ever in my life, but maybe we should get back to work, yeah?" "Return a stolen car that's in our possession?" " Oh, boo." " I think he's joking." "Is that a joke?" " I'm puking while I'm drinking it." " Dude, we're shutting this bitch down." " We're partying until 8:00 "P.N.," yeah!" " Oh, yeah?" "You-you-yup, that's a chop." "You said P.N." " That's official." " Oh, well, that's a chop back... because P.N. is post noon." "Everyone knows that." "You need to go back to school, pick up some knowledge." " So, uh, Ders, what would it take for you to consider maybe doing the exact opposite of shutting bitches down?" "Maybe leaving this bitch, heading towards home bitch, home sweet home bitch?" " You know what?" "See that shark blimp over there?" "You win me that, and I'll go home right now." " All right, well, then one shark blimp... chumming right up." " Nice." " Hey, good luck, buddy." " Oh, oh, yeah!" "Yeah, yeah." " Whoo, whoo, whoo!" " How many more times are you gonna play?" " Uh, I'm gonna play infinity more times, little man, okay?" " All right, Ders, keep pounding that dog." "I gotta make a call, okay?" " Will do." " Dolphins." "Hey, Marty, what's up?" "It's D-Bone." "You might remember me as D-Train." " Mister, it's my birthday." " Buddy, it's my birthday too." "You're not special." "Did someone tell you that you were?" "'Cause you aren't." " I'm gonna tell on you." " You tell everybody you wanna tell." "Tell the whole world." "I'm gonna tell on you." "Pbbbt!" "[donkey brays]" " Ahhhh!" " Hey, man." " Ow!" "What?" " What you doing here, man?" "Kid's trying to play and you game hogging?" " Since when is this the only game?" "There's a million games." "They can play other games." " You do realize that this is a Dante's, right?" "I mean, it's basically a black Chuck E. Cheese." " Okay, I can see that." "I mean, that guy's not black." " Oh, that's Oakland Tony." "O.T." "Oh, he blacker than I am." " Buddy, I-I'm sorry." "Today is my birthday." "I'm gonna wild out and have a good time." "I got a cup full of coins, and I'm gonna get wild with them, all right?" "Sorry." " Hey." "I got my eyes on you." " Legitimately scary." "Too drunk to care." "Whoo!" " It's illegal for you to tell me" "I can't take this outside." "That's illegal." "Oh, there they are." "My sweet, sweet princesses." "Welcome to my castle." "Can I take your coats?" "No, wow, Mama." "You better put those on." "Getting jealous." "You getting jealous, huh?" " Whose birthday?" " It feels like my birthday." "So it might as well be." "Hitch a ride on the sex bus." "Just kidding." "We can't have sex here." "There's kids everywhere." " Yeah, it's my birthday." "I figured I'd treat myself a little bit, you know." "Keep shaking it." "Here we go." "Whoa." " Oh." " Dude, is that my gift?" " Uh, yeah, yeah." " Yeah." " Yeah, it is your- it is your birthday present." " Whoo, hey." " I just wanted to make sure they're not poisonous." "[growls]" "No, it's good unless you're allergic to glitter, so" " Whoa, glitter titties, for real?" "I'll be right there." " Come on, man." "Let's go." " Sorry, man, you're 46 tickets shy of the shark." "Now, you can get some vampire teeth and some scrunchies." " What?" "Okay, look." "I'm not trying to freak out on you, man." "You're just doing your job." "I've got a job too." "And I do it sometimes." "But this is an emergency, okay?" "We've got a guy who is five beers away from turning into the Ders." "This is a guy who fucked a koi fish in the mouth until it died in front of a P.F. Chang's." " I just count tickets, dude." " [laughs] Yeah, I'm your bull trying to buck ya." "Trying to buck you." " Oh, she just made her butthole wink." " What?" " It just winked at me." " Whoa, that is too real." " Oh, my God." " Whoa, not a fan." "Stick to hits, please." " Cool." " Titties up." " Angel, hold up, buddy." "My knees are burning." "What the hell!" "I need to see you outside now." "Where they go?" "Where they at?" " [laughs]" " Oh, I'm going to miss you." "I can't afford you for longer." "But I'm going to miss you." " Button up." "Let's play it safe." "There's kids." "There's kids." "You got to respect the kids." "Someone took a sip of my beer." "I don't like that, birthday boy." " Angel, go play with the team, okay?" " Later, dude, we changed your life." "Don't forget that." "We changed your life." " Yeah, you're going to remember that forever." " Now, I ain't trying to fight today because it's a beautiful occasion." "But you brought strippers, albeit some fine-ass strippers, to a kid's pizza place." " Dude, I'm not going to say this again." "Today is my birthday, and I'm going to do whatever I wanna do!" "[shouting]" " What was that?" " That's the Ders." "Uh, all right." "Look." "I've got $19 and a one-hitter, huh?" "All you gotta do is give me that shark blimp." "That's all yours." "You just need to hand me- hand me the shark blimp." " The Ders is unleashed, yeah." "Gather around." "There's going to be a real show over here." " Ders, I got it." "[laughs]" "I got your shark blimp." "What do you say we go home and give it a whirl?" " It's no use, bud." "He's unleashed." "Gotta ride this one out like a hurricane." " No, no, we're not riding anything." "Now, Ders, let's go home." "Let's ride home." " And you need to start acting your age, man." "What are you, 30?" " Ennnghhh, I'm 25, dickhead, and that's a chop." "Can I have some more tokens?" " Yeah, I'll go get you some tokens." " Hey, Ders, how you doing, man?" "Come on." "Talk to me." " He's refusing to get off." "This is the saddest thing" "I've ever seen, dude." "You're not a child." "Do you have any more tokens?" "I wanna play Pop-A-Shot again." "I got, like, the fourth highest score on the thing." "I'm not just going to give up." "I'm not a quitter." " You need to chill out, dude." " Okay." " This is the worst birthday I've ever had." " What?" "Remember those strippers I got you?" "That was awesome of me." " Wait." "You didn't get 'em." "I-I got 'em." "You took my card." " Yeah, that's true." "He bought them." "But I was-I made the call." " I'm so old now." "You know, I thought maybe if I said "swag"" "and jammed hard to mash-ups and tore sleeves of cool golf shirts that I'd feel young." "But it didn't work." "I mean, I don't even know what "swag" means." " No one does, really." " I just wanted to sound cool." " Well, you didn't, really." "You kind of sound like a dork." " Yeah." " Hey, uh..." "I crossed the line back there, and I thought I'd try to make it right, starting with some cake." " No, I'm in a cutting phase right now." "I'd better not." "Unless it's chocolate." "Is that chocolate?" " Uh, no, it's vanilla." " Yeah, that'll work." "Cool, thanks." " That's for your busted-up face." " Thank you." " Hey, uh..." "I'm sorry I knocked you on your ass back there, man." "But you said, "chop." I thought you had a knife." "I used to work in a Chinese kitchen, man," "I have seen some shit." "Anyway, moving on." "You crying 'cause you're 25?" "But I'm 37." "But you know what I got?" "I got meaning in my life." "You'll see." "It's radical, dude." " All right." "And it's real." " He's right, you know." "Turning 25 isn't the end." "It's-it's the beginning of something older." " Yeah, it's definitely older." " Yeah." " It's for sure, older." " And, oh, but you can do a ton of cool stuff that you couldn't do before." " Yeah." " Yeah." " Like what?" " Yeah, like what?" " You can get off your parents' health insurance." "Well, they'll kick you off." "My dad sends me countdown emails." " It's bogus." " Yeah." " Guys, I think I know what I need to do." "But I can't do it alone." " Hey, look, whatever you need, I'm here for you." " No, I mean, like, I'm really hammered." "I don't even think I can get out of this ride right now." " Okay, sir, you can have a seat." "Thank you." "All right." "Statute 7-B, let the proposed property tax override fund the... [whistle blows]" " Ladies and gentlemen!" "Please put your hands together for the next president of Rancho Cucamonga," "Anders Holmvik." "[cheers and applause]" " Hey!" "Hello." "Greetings, my fellow Rancho Cucamongans." "My name is Anders Torfin Holmvik." "I'm here to announce today that because I am now 25 years young- it's not old;" "it's young" "I'm therefore eligible to run for City Councilman Dude... and I'm going to do it." " Yeah." " All right." " Whoo-hoo!" " So proud." "So proud." " Okay." "Not today like, you know, maybe down in like 2016." "I've got a..." " Good year." " Some student loans to pay off." "So get that out of the way, and then I'm gonna be up in your grills asking for votes, okay?" "So consider this a warning." "And here's a slogan." "It's, "You can always bet on Ders."" "That's my name." " Hit 'em with it, yeah!" "Male demo." "Yeah!" " This is not the forum to run for city council." " No, I know, dude." "I'm said I'm gonna run." "We gotta stickler." "I'll get him out of office ASAP." "all:" "Vote or die." "Vote or die." "Vote or die." "Vote or die." " Please leave." "all:" "Vote or die." " We need you to go." "all:" "Vote or die." "Vote or die." " So I get to see you naked?" " [laughs]" " I should get to know your name" " Hey, you guys are driving the convertible, right?" " Um..." " Come on." " Um..." " You know what, Ders?" "Happy birthday, bud." "Yeah, I was driving." "What's it to you?" "I've gotten plenty of DUIs." "Give me another." "I don't care." "I don't care, copper." " The car's been reported stolen, and you've been driving it drunk?" " Really?" "I didn't know that." "I didn't know it was reported." " Nice." "[dog snorting, noisemaker toots]" "Retail subrip by jeem."