"Welcome back, and, boy, I want to thank my guests elton John and christine baranski and, of course, Matt dillon." "And next week, I'm on vacation." "But sitting in for me will be guest host Jon Stewart." "And, um, if my brother Stan is watching," "I'll see you Monday morning at 11:00, Stan." "I just saved 95 cents on a phone call there." "Uh, good night and no flipping." "We're clear." "Ahoy, captain Sanders." "The u.s.s. Hilarity is now safely in her berth." "You know, has anyone ever told you you should start wearing a sailor's cap?" "Yeah." "The late rock hudson." "Well, that is another conversation." "I hear your brother Stan's coming to town." "That's right." "He's staying with me." "I'm really, you know, looking forward to it." "Aw... what does that mean?" "Oh, nothing." "I'm just practicing my Chinese." "Why don't you just send him a check?" "Because you know what?" "I'm out of envelopes." "So he's got on?" "Kristen Johnson, Jason Alexander, the Wu-tang clan." "Did he bring that fucking dog?" "The pecker hasn't even shown up yet." "Oh, man, you'd think he'd at least wanna be on time." "Oh, someone's at the door." "Can you hold on?" "Don't you think it's your brother Stan?" "Oh, my God." "I forgot Stan was even coming." "Yeah, see to it and then call me back." "Yeah, I'll call you back." "OK." "Stan." "God, it's great to see ya." "It's been too long." "Great to see ya." "Come on in." "Thanks for the limousine." "Are you kidding?" "Now, I shouldn't have tipped that guy, right?" "No, I..." "I completely took care of that." "You don't have to worry." "Come on." "Great." "Now, is this an original?" "Don't touch that." "Just come on in." "You look fantastic, Stan." "Have a seat." "I set the whole schedule aside." "I thought maybe we'd..." "I'm gonna get the baseball-card collection." "I thought maybe we'd play a little basketball." "With duchovny and Seinfeld?" "Oh, well, those guys, they're working, but I thought we'd play, you know, just together." "Oh, OK, that's good." "Actually, that'll give us a chance to talk about that business deal I mentioned on the phone." "Which one?" "We got rid of the dead wood from the other show." "Hey, guys." "Hey." "How's the newest star of late-night TV?" "Just happy to be out of rehab." "I'm kidding." "Save some for the show, hot shot." "Listen, Jon, we just stopped by to let you know how happy everybody upstairs is that you're here this week." "Thanks." "It's nerve-racking, but it's all happening so fast." "Go out there, be Jon Stewart, have fun." "I can do that." "With Larry leaving, this is your chance to put your stamp on the show." "We need water-cooler moments." "I think you're gonna be happy." "We've got Kristen Johnson, Jason Alexander, the Wu-tang clan." "It's a great start." "Uh, Wu-tang clan?" "Yeah." "A buddy of mine at mtv hooked us up." "He smells like he just rolled out of a bar." "Did Jon Stewart get the meat I sent him?" "Yes." "I called the tracking number, and the people at omaha said it was delivered on Saturday." "Saturday?" "Mm-hmm." "Well, Jesus, that's $200 worth of meat." "I mean... no "thank you" note." "I'm fucked." "Actually, it was $100 because you went with the strip steaks instead of the filets." "Great news, Hank." "You're in tonight's sketch." "I am?" "Mm-hmm." "All right." "That's great." "Uh, what am I doing?" "You're playing hitler." "The hitler?" "Yeah, one in the same." "Yeah, Jon and I wrote it." "You and Jon?" "Uh-huh." "So if you have any questions, just stop by my office." "Yeah, uh, I, uh, I do." "You guys, uh... you wrote this..." "you wrote this for me?" "Look, Hank, I don't know who he's considering for sidekick." "All I know is he's meeting with this fresh, young stand-up from comedy central." "I'm fucked." "Comedy central." "Oh, come on." "I'll have to wear something tonight that'll make me look young and fresh." "That's not young and fresh." "This is not young." "This... this is old." "This is show business." "Excuse me." "Smell this." "Hank, I don't wanna be rude, but I can get you a spray that'll deal with that." "Doesn't this smell like urine?" "Let's not put a name to it." "Let me just get you the spray." "So I need 3 actors for this sketch." "I need a white guy, a black guy, and an asian woman." "Why is it always an asian woman?" "2 birds with one stone." "What does that mean?" "May I have your attention, please?" "Brian?" "Mm-hmm." "Somebody pissed all over my shoes." "Now, there are jokes, and then there is piss all over my shoes." "These are 2... entirely different things." "OK, Phil, come on." "Come on, is it you?" "Is it you, or is it one of your little asshole writer buddies?" "No, Hank." "You'd probably know if I pissed all over your shoes 'cause I had asparagus last night." "Somebody better tell me which asshole pissed all over my office." "I'm gonna call the police." "Uh, hey, Hank." "I'm sorry." "You know, I, uh..." "I think that was probably my dog." "He's got a bladder infection from, I think, rough sex." "I didn't even know you had a dog, Jon." "I love dogs." "Yeah." "They're great." "I feel terrible, Hank." "No." "So send me the cleaning bills." "No." "Honestly." "Or, if you want, you can shit in his bowl or what ever you want to do." "All right?" "I'm sorry about that." "No." "Hey, now." "Don't give it a second thought." "What dogs go through, it's terrible." "They have to hold it in all day." "I mean, if I were a dog, I'd just be just... shitting all over the place." "Right." "Right." "What can we do, just tie their assholes in a knot?" "I think that's balloon animals." "Phil, do you wanna go do that... do you know what's great about dogs?" "Uh, the ball-licking thing?" "They're loyal." "They stick by their masters." "Unless, of course, their masters abandon them." "And then they have to find a new master." "But when they find their new master, they're loyal forever." "Assuming, of course, their new master wants them." "Al, is that the new gel for Jon's special?" "That's a light rose 107?" "Yeah." "How long, kale?" "Two minutes?" "Yeah." "OK, robbie, warm up the spot." "Arthur... melanie and Kenny." "What an almost- pleasant surprise." "Excuse me." "The circuits are all checked, right?" "Ed, mikes all hot?" "What are you, a roadie now, Artie?" "Kenny... can't take him anywhere, can you?" "Look, Arthur, we're a little worried here." "About what?" "Well, is Jon aware that this is an 11:30 show?" "He just told us that he booked the Wu-tang clan." "Yes, staten Island's streetwise troubadours." "OK, hit it." "What about 'em?" "Well, we think they might be a little too... urban." "Urban?" "Well, I can call my good friend lenny kravitz." "He's only half-urban." "Let's bump it up, uh, 3 points." "look, Arthur, we don't want Jon to scare Larry's audience off completely." "OK, cut it." "OK, fellas, let's take 5." "It's you guys that want him." "Yeah, yeah, we want him, but we don't want this to turn into a fucking freak show like they've got over there at conan." "What do you want me to do?" "Well, we just..." "we gotta start... controlling him?" "No." "Working with him." "Oh, pardon me." "What about this as a door prize?" "Ehh, boyos." "Well, I don't wanna piss out your comedy campfire here, but we have a minor problem." "Oh, what'd my dog do?" "Jon, have you ever started dating a woman, treated her very gently, took her to fine restaurants, opened doors for her, charmed her parents?" "And you gave her some hugs, but you didn't even attempt to kiss her for a long time?" "Then, one day, in your car, in broad daylight, suddenly, she jumps on you and starts giving you a blow job." "Right." "The network wants you to bump Wu-tang clan." "So I'm not getting a blow job." "Well, the theory is, is they want you to build up a broad base of fan support before you start scaring the shit out of the midwest." "They didn't say anything two hours ago." "And what a glorious two hours that was." "Now you have a choice of three... the home-schooled heartthrobs known as hanson, the 1995 country music's best new artist "achy breaky" Billy Ray cyrus, and the reunited, reinvigorated, rehabilitated, three dog night." "Take your pick." "Artie..." "I have a policy... never bump a band that's packin' heat." "When you gonna do your movie?" "I'm gonna do a movie maybe this year, try to get it out by Christmas, you know what I mean?" "Some sparkles in the ear." "That's gonna be nice, man." "Thank you very much for coming down." "You got the envelope?" "I got the envelope." "I got the fruit basket." "I got everything." "Guys, thank you so much." "Thank you, man." "I appreciate it for coming down." "This is gonna help me out." "Catch these birds, know what I mean?" "Forget the birds." "All we have are interns." "I'll do the best I can for you." "All right?" "That'll be all right, right?" "I got it." "Here." "It's called enter the Wu-tang, and it's their very newest cd." "OK." ""Bring DA ruckus." "Shame on a nigga."" "I think it's "shame the nigga."" ""Shame on a nigga."" "Yeah, you're right." ""Clan in DA front."" "Oh, my God, they look like carjackers." "You saved my ass, so..." "I appreciate it." "Yeah, is he happy?" "He's doing better, isn't he?" "Been heaving' weight?" "I know, exactly." "Exactly." "How you doin', guys?" "What's going on?" "What's up?" "Hank Kingsley." "Hank." "What up, Hank?" "What's up, Hank?" "Ballplayer." "OK." "How you doing, guys?" "Hey." "How are ya?" "Hank Kingsley." "Hey, bro." "How you doing, man?" "Peace." "Peace, boss." "How you feel?" "I'm sorry." "Didn't get that." "I said what's up?" "Hey, all right." "I'm into that." "Well, I just wanna tell you guys I'm... hey, man." "How you doing?" "I'm really thrilled for you guys to be here." "I gotta tell you, my absolute favorite song is "shame on a nigga," you know?" "Shame on a nigga?" "Shame on a nigga?" "No?" "It's a phat song, you know." "I'm sorry?" "Good song." "It's a good song." "Hey, where's dirty old bitch?" "You mean ol' dirty bastard, right?" "OI' dirty bastard." "OI' dirty bastard." "Get it straight, man." "Get it straight." "Where... where is she?" "Yo, yo, he just got out of jail." "You know what I mean?" "He's just holding down at home for a while, you know?" "Oh, man, gee, I know that dig, you know." "I got parking tickets coming right out of my ass." "You know?" "Fuckers, cops, you know?" "Fuckers." "You know?" "You know?" "Hey, listen, though, listen... you know, have a ball while you're here, OK?" "Hey... what you dealing with, man?" "What you on about with that?" "This ain't no stick-up, baby." "Stick-up." "Get out of here, man." "What's up with your man, Jon?" "I just... on behalf of all my people," "I'd like to apologize." "Thanks for coming, guys." "Yo, these cats is Bunk." "Break it down, come on." "* yo, yo * check it." "* fuck y'all analog niggas, we be digital *" "* Wu-tang killah army, we indispensable * * we never fall, we stand tall * * like skyscrapers and justice for all * * oceanwide, worldwide, Dharma on the outside * * cyanide, homicide * * inside, it's on, it's on *" "* our uniform's uno, a cappella was take 2 * * respect, do no commercial *" "* I teach those, I've reached those * * higher heights, mikes, and def words of wisdom * * words of an architect's strike * * hype, the crowd down low, it's me *" "* check, we've had 'em... *" "Wu-tang clan." "Hey, they're great." "We're locked in." "OK, if Jon feels that way, let him have 'em." "What's this about?" "What is it?" "It's the hitler sketch." "I don't know what this is." "It's about hitler." "Artie, we got a call from standards and practices." "Now, we have to make our position absolutely clear on this... there will be no representation of adolph hitler on this network." "Except in documentary or docudrama form." "Until 10 seconds ago, I was blissfully unaware that such a hitler sketch existed." "* all right, motherfuckers * did they say motherfucker?" "I believe they did." "* spot the best pussy * and "pussy"?" "That, too." "Do you remember my friend Barry?" "Barry?" "My friend." "Which guy is that?" "He's the guy that can get his hands on these diamonds." "They're uncut." "Oh." "He brings them over from south Africa at $7 million." "Right." "As soon as they come over, it's $25 million." "Everything's included and certified." "That's something." "It's a very sweet deal." "Sounds like it." "This is a great situation, where I know the contacts and have access to the capital." "We put 'em together, we're printing money." "This is great." "I feel like, you know... like we're really catching up." "I feel the exact same way." "Really?" "This is gonna be a really good deal for both of us." "I'm so glad you're here." "I have a question for you." "What are you gonna do now that the show's over?" "I'm scared to death, Stan." "Well, you should be because you don't have anything on the back burner." "Remember carson's last show?" "The last show?" "The big last show?" "Yeah." "How many people you think tuned in for that?" "How many viewers?" "You're in the business." "I don't know." "20 million." "20 million." "That sounds right." "Yeah, well, that's why carson's an idiot." "'Cause if he'd just done a pay per view at $39 a pop, he would've made $800 million one night." "That's before video or anything." "Idiot." "Right." "Sounds like you've really thought it through, Stan." "Hey, it's just math." "Idiot." "Now, you've got one of these "last shows"" "coming up, don't you?" "Yes, I do." "Barry... he knows the guy who set up the wwf." "The whole system." "The world wrestling federation?" "Barry knows that guy?" "Wow, he's connected." "OK, now, if I wanted to buy the roberto clemente from you... how much would you sell it for me?" "Hmm... 'cause I think I can sell it." "Conglomerate of shit on a shank." "You told me you were doing Jon's bar Mitzvah memory." "Yeah, well, this is funnier." "That's not the goddamn point, Jon." "You leave me out there with my pants around my ankles, vaseline on my ass," "I don't know what the fuck happened." "Artie, you wouldn't have approved this sketch." "That's right." "It's hitler, God damn it." "It's funny." "It doesn't bother me, and I'm Jewish." "So is Jesus, and we all know where he ended up." "Yeah, on the wb." "Heh heh heh heh." "You're a funny guy." "Oh, by the way, the network has bumped the Wu-tang clan." "Sweetheart, if you do this hitler sketch, you're gonna follow them right out the door." "Uh, how tall a woman are you?" "I am 6' tall, and you know what?" "If I never have to answer that question again," "I'll be a happy woman." "Are you serious?" "Yeah." "So that wasn't the way to get in?" "I'm gonna write, you know, have a tattoo on my forehead... 6 feet." "Really?" "I have that tattooed somewhere else, but, uh... what do you think?" "He's doing great." "Yeah, yeah." "This is just what we wanted." "Yeah... your character on the show is a man trapped in a woman's body." "I'm a very masculine alien in a woman's body." "None of us have any sex until we've been put in these bodies." "Wow, I can't believe I'm not on your show." "Um... you know, you could be." "No, I'm sure I could." "I'm actually a very masculine alien trapped in mickey rooney's body." "Isn't that sad?" "All right." "Is everybody doing OK?" "Is the keg tapped back there?" "Are you enjoying yourselves?" "Very nice... you know, I was in germany recently, according to this intro, and I saw one of their most popular game shows." "And oddly enough, it patterns itself after one of our most popular game shows." "So without further ado, let me introduce you to this." "It's a quiz show from germany." "Please welcome your host, adolph hankler." "Adolph!" "Heil now!" "And welcome to the show." "And let's get started." "The categories are 20th-century history, tennis, medicine, begins with "w," and potpourri..." "I thought we told him to cut that." "We did." "Let's go." "Heil now." "You won the coin toss backstage." "Pick the first category." "I'll take 20th-century history, adolph." "Good." "Uh, what is an iceberg?" "No, I'm sorry." "The correct response is," ""what were the Jews?"" "Hello?" "Mr. Alexander." "Hi." "You'll be on right after the sketch." "Excuse me." "Do you know I'm the celebrity spokesman for the anti-defamation league?" "No, I didn't know that." "OK." "This is really inappropriate." "This is offensive." "I'm sorry, I can't follow this." "I can't go on after this." "Didn't you do nazi stuff on Seinfeld?" "Yeah, that's an entirely different situation." "Oh." "What is this?" "This is your new host, Jon Stewart." "He's "hitlarious."" "I thought we agreed." "No hitler." "Well, he's toned it down just for you." "What do you mean..." "hitler?" "This is hankler." "You tell him it's cut." "We're not putting that fucking sketch on the air." "They would never let us do this on 3rd rock." "Yeah?" "Pick another topic." "Uh... potpourri?" "This small group of people control all the world's money." "24-hour turnaround." "I cannot listen to this anymore, Stan." "OK, just think about it." "Just think about it." "Listen, you know what the trouble is?" "I've got all my money invested in Hong-Kong chickens." "Do me a favor." "Call Barry." "Talk to him." "Because he is just better at this stuff." "I don't wanna invest in your goddamned diamonds, Stan." "I'm not asking for a handout here." "This is a legitimate business venture." "Oh, I'm sure it's a good business venture." "After all, Barry's involved in it." "So, what, I want to triple your money in one day, and, what, I'm a fucking asshole." "You know what, Stan?" "I made a mistake." "I thought you were coming here so we could get closer as brothers." "That's what I thought." "So when you ask me for money," "I feel like your father, and it fucks everything up." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry for coming out here and fucking everything up for you, but some of us have to work for a living." "We don't go onstage and tell jokes and cash checks and fuck actresses." "I'm aware of that." "You are aware of that?" "Well, let me tell you what I'm aware of." "You are selfish." "You're selish now." "You were selfish when you were 10." "It's always you and your career and your show and your therapist, and everyone else is second, me and mom and everybody." "That is not true." "It's true." "That isn't true." "All right, just tell me the names of my kids." "Answer me that." "That was good, huh?" "Wasn't it good?" "That was great." "We should make that a regular part of the show." "Yeah." "Very, very funny." "It was funny." "Absolutely." "The network is cutting it." "It's gone." "It's gone?" "Let's just bring out Jason Alexander, we'll do 3 segments, and... well, Jason got offended by the sketch." "He left." "So tonight's show is me and Kristen Johnson for an hour?" "No." "The entire show is gone." "I believe tonight will be a best of Larry." "I can't believe I went with my instincts." "Jesus." "Artie... you gotta be my producer, man." "You gotta stay." "I can't do this show without you." "Heh heh heh." "Oh... all right, let's cut the shit." "Am I in or out?" "Good luck with your fucking show because it's off to a great start." "Ioser." "There's only 2." "One's a girl." "Hello." "Are you sitting down?" "Hold on one second." "Why don't you have Barry call my business manager and have him send a prospectus, and, uh..." "I'll take a look at it." "You'd do that?" "Sounds like, um... something worthwhile." "It's not something worth... it's golden." "Hello, Artie?" "What's up?" "Uh, they pulled the show." "It was a fucking catastrophe." "You're kidding." "Listen, set your vcr for the Larry Sanders anniversary show number 5." "It's a classic." "I'm on TV tonight."