"Anyway, this whole thing started a week ago." "Well, really, 37 years ago, when I got the bright idea to propose to Elaine." "You see, last week was our wedding anniversary." "Well, sort of." "We're separated." "I did leave Alan to go to paint in Portugal, but for very good reasons." "She left me for no reason at all." "And now all this anniversary gift rigamarole." "All I asked was how we should sensibly handle what could be a very delicate situation." " So she comes in, guns a-blazin', and, typical of our marriage, no matter what I do, even if I do exactly what she tells me," "I'm wrong." "And, typical of our marriage, no matter what he does, even if I tell him exactly what to do, he gets it wrong." "But I'm getting ahead of myself." "Here's how it all started." "Oh, hey, Elaine." "Is Alan around?" "I want him to take a look at a mole for me." "I..." "I'm not worried." "It's just, it... it looks like Lincoln." "I came over looking for him, too." "I have something I want to talk to him about." "Your anniversary?" "Very impressive." "Did Alan tell you?" "No, no, I got a names and dates reminder on my smart phone." "It's like having an attractive secretary right in my pocket." "Oh, hi, Elaine." "What did I do now?" "What broke?" "How much do you need?" "I just came by to discuss the very big day that's coming up very soon." "Is it the NBA draft?" "Yes, Alan." "The NBA draft is massive in my life." "It's your anniversary." "Jennifer Aniston's birthday!" "Oh." "It's our anniversary, you boob." "Oh, right." "Of course." "March 25th." "26th." "Happy anniversary." "Well, not happy." "You're separated." "I'll be going." "So, Alan, I came by because our anniversary might be a little tricky with us being separated." "The day can be fraught with emotion." "So I think we should discuss how we're going to handle this." "I say we should not do cards or gifts or have dinner." "Don't forget flowers." "Let's not give each other flowers." "No flowers." "Or candy." "I'm getting pretty good at this." "So you remember what not to give me?" "Absolutely." "And you agree with me that we should just treat this like any other day?" "Yep." "And we should just pretend it's not our anniversary?" " Mm-hmm." " Oh, Alan, how could you?" "How could I what?" "Agree with me." "Was that a test?" "Because I'd like a do-over." "Yes, it was a test." "Everything's a test." "And yet, you're mad at me for agreeing with you?" "Yes!" "I thought at least you'd put up a fight." "Elaine, I got no fight left." "Goodbye, Alan!" "[door slams]" "Hey." "What was that?" "The crazy train leaving on track 9." "Retired at 35 1x10" " Secrets and Lies Original air date March 23, 2011" "Three weeks?" "What do I do till then?" "Don't you hate it when your private jet blows an engine?" "Bleh." "I knew I shouldn't have loaned the spare jet to Warren "Buff-ay."" "He invented the buffet." " Hey, man." " Hey." "It's pronounced "Buffett"." "So Jessica just texted me." "She wants to cook me a candlelight dinner tomorrow night." "Is the power out in her building?" "No." "Then looks like you might be in for a night of bouncy-bouncy." "I know." "We are one date past the sex date." "Still, I've just been holding off 'cause of the whole Susan thing." "Right, you slept with Jessica's mom." "Right, like you forgot." "You remind me every two seconds." "It's all I have." "She'll understand, right?" "I mean, it was an accident." "Sure, I'm sure she'll buy it." ""Sorry, Jessica,"" ""I accidentally tripped and fell into your mother."" "Are you really gonna tell her?" "I have no choice." "It wouldn't be right to sleep with her without her knowing." "It must be hard to be a person of decency and integrity." "You have no idea." "No, I really don't." "Oh, hey, Jessica." "Wow, you look fantastic today." "[shouting] Oh, sorry." "I can't hear you." "[shouting] Why?" "I have swimmer's ear from surfing." "I have to wear these special earplugs." " Oh, yeah." " See?" "Well, you look fantastic today." "Well, thank you." "[shouting] Jessica!" "Can you bring me change for a million-dollar bill?" "I wanna make it rain." "Hi, Alan." "Nice to see you." "Oh, hi, Susan." "Maybe you can help me out." "The food here is nothing" "I've ever tasted or seen before." "I mean, truffle oil?" "Wasn't that Popeye's girlfriend?" "You're very funny when you're around high-quality groceries." "Well, a few weeks ago, this was Harry's hot dog shack." "Now for lunch I'm having "asiago pressato"." "Is that a bread or the president of Italy?" "It's a cheese." "Oh." "Here, try one of these." "You'll love it." "What the hell's that?" "Wasabi chickpeas." "Tastes like spicy driveway gravel." "Now I know what not to have for lunch." "Are you here with anyone?" "No, that's one of the advantages of being separated." "May I join you?" "Delighted." "Oh." "This bracelet keeps falling off." "It's very fancy." "It was a gift from my mother after my divorce." "The inscription says, "I told you so."" "Well, you know, there's a jeweler in my poker game, and I could take it to him." "Oh, that would be so nice of you, Alan." "Be my pleasure." "I'll have it back by tomorrow." "Great." "Now, I am starving." "Mm, I love the ciabatta." " Cheese?" " Bread." "So close." "Alan?" "I got your fluff-n-fold while I was at the cleaners." "They said they got the ketchup stains out of your socks." "I don't even want to know." "Alan?" "[gasps]" "Oh." "Alan." "Happy anniversary to you, too, you scamp." "I can't believe you're gonna tell Jessica you slept with her mom." "I'm pretty sure that Marvin Gaye song isn't called" ""Let's admit a bunch of stupid stuff,"" ""and then get it on."" "Yes, and while your objections are noted," "I gotta do the right thing." "And that's your fatal flaw." "Fine, then." "Pretend I'm Jessica." "Tell me how you're gonna break the big news." "Gimme your best shot." "All right, um..." "Jessica, there's something I have to tell you." "[makes buzzer noise]" "What?" "Nothing good ever starts with "there's something I have to tell you."" "So how should I start, genius?" "Make it seem like it's something small that doesn't matter in the least." "Like, say," ""Long ago, in a kingdom far, far away,"" ""this tiny, little, silly thing happened"" ""that's barely worth mentioning."" ""I did your mom."" ""Hey, look, a diamond."" "Good, this is very helpful." "Or you could give Jessica a massage when you're telling her." "A man's firm touch softens the blow of unexpected news." "That's how I told my mom we missed the McCrib." "You gave your mom a massage." "Well, that is just McCreepy." "Well, fine." "Okay." "You don't like what I got?" "Serve it up, big fella." "No more buzzers?" "I cannot guarantee it, but I'll try." "All right." "Jessica... [makes buzzer noise]" "Sorry, I hit it by mistake." "Jessica." "I think about you all the time." "And I think you're beautiful and smart and funny, and..." "What are you doing?" "!" "I'm being Jessica." "And I like what you're saying." "[whispering] Don't stop." "Dude, come on!" "This is impossible!" "Shhhh." "Will you just... seriously!" "Take it seriously!" "Sorry, I promise to take it seriously." "Where were we?" "Jessica, I think that you are amazing." "And I think we have an amazing future together." "And so I wanna open up my heart and tell you everything." "To make sure that our bond is... is real and true, well, there's... there's something" "I think I should say to you." "Jessica, I slept with..." "Please, please pull up your pants." "Come here, you." "Don't... please don't..." "no, no, no, don't touch." "I won't ask, and please don't tell." "[knock at door]" "Hi, Alan." " Hello, Elaine." " Hi, Elaine." "Hello, Richard." "Don't you have somewhere to be?" "Actually, I have a dentist appointment." "I got a cavity that looks like Millard Fillmore." "So, Alan." "You look nice today." "Ooh." "Is this a trick?" "No, I'm just in a good mood." "Cut it out." "It's weird." "Alan, I know we talked about not exchanging gifts for our anniversary, but I just couldn't help myself, and I got you a little something." "Oh." "Okay." "I gave you a gift." "Is there anything you'd like to do?" "Well, it would be rude not to open it." "Wow!" "A watch." "Oh, thank you." "That's very sweet." "Read the back." "Okay." ""Only Tim will tall."" "Where are your glasses?" "Who's Tim?" "Time." "Only time will tell." "Tell what?" "You're ruining the moment." "What moment?" "Never mind." "Never mind." "Now, is there something you'd like to give me?" "Put 'er there." "You're so silly." "Elaine, you said no gifts." "Do you want me to go out and get you something?" "Don't do anything more than you've already done." "That I can do." "Well, I guess I'll be seeing you later, then." "Probably." "Okay, then." "Bye-bye." "Bye-bye." "Buh-bye, then." "Okay, see ya." "A tout a l'heure." "11:17." "Crazy train's right on time." "So of course, I did the natural thing." "I gave him a very nice watch." "I mean, the signs couldn't have been more clear." "I think we both knew what was going on." "I had no idea what was going on." "She came over, gave me a watch, even though we said no gifts, and then she starts speaking French." "And then I did see a lovely piece of jewelry." "Just not where I expected." "Susan?" "Hello." "How've you been?" "Wow, you look fabulous." "Well, thank you." "You're in a good mood, Elaine." "Well, let's just say it's been a good day so far." "Are you dating someone?" "There is someone I have my eye on, yes." "Good for you." "Susan." "That's a lovely bracelet." "Where did you get it?" "Oh, it's a gift." "A gift?" "Is that right?" "Yes, listen, great seeing you, Elaine." "I've gotta run." "I'm late for the dermatologist." "I'm having something removed." "The last 10 years." "[knock at door]" "Hi, Elaine." "Save your breath, Alan." "I know all about Susan's bracelet." "How do you know about Susan's bracelet?" "I just saw her wearing it." "Isn't it beautiful?" "You have the nerve to brag about it?" "What is wrong with you?" "I have a bad feeling I'm about to find out." "I feel like such a fool." "When I saw the bracelet in your room the other day," "I was certain you had bought it for me for our anniversary." "Little did I know it was intended for Susan's scrawny little albino wrist." "No, I was just having it fixed for her." "You actually expect me to believe you were fixing her jewelry?" "That's not you, Alan." "You're not a fixer." "I'm still waiting for you to change the battery in my Lady Bulova from 1976!" "No, E..." "Elaine." "It's the truth!" "You want the truth?" "The truth is, I was holding out hope for us." "But it looks like you and I are out of Tim!" "Uh... time!" "You and I are out of time!" "Goodbye, Alan!" "[door slams]" "Toot, toot." "And then, uh, after the drinks, your mother and I... fell into bed." "And that is how we accidentally, ha-ha, uh, slept together." "Hm, mm, mm." "Okay?" "Mm." "Really?" "Okay, then." "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God, it is such a relief to hear you react like that." "This is just a huge load off my mind." "Now it's out there, dealt with." "Oh, my God, I'm just so happy." "[sighs]" "You're really okay?" "Please!" "What's not to be okay about?" "You are incredible." "Ah." "[knock at door]" "Elaine, is that you?" "It's me, Susan." "Is she with you?" "No, I'm alone." "Please come in." "I just wanted to thank you for getting my bracelet fixed." "And I brought you some very special food." "Please tell me it's not spicy driveway gravel." "Better." "Hot dogs from the original Harry's hot dog shack." "Harry's hot dogs." "[inhales deeply]" "Mmm!" "Great." "This'll cheer me up." "Oh, what's the matter?" "Long story short," "I think Elaine and I are really over." "But you're separated, right?" "No, I mean over, over." "Oh, that's too bad." "Well, if you need a little company," "I could stay and have a drink." "Sure, that'd be nice." "And I'm gonna drink until I understand women." "Well, I always say you should take your comfort where you can get it." "What does that mean?" "How was that?" "Pretty damn comforting." "[knock at door] [gasps]" "I got your message." "Am I in trouble?" "Come on in, Richard." "Sit down." "Sit down?" "W... w... why?" "What's the matter with you?" "Nothing." "You never called before." "I assumed it was bad." "It's nothing bad." "Sit down." "Richard, we've known each other for a long time, right?" "Oh, no." "Elaine, I think I see where this is going." "I'm gonna have to stop you right there." "What are you talking about?" "I see the effect I have on women." " Richard." " Sorry, Elaine." "There is one person I will never betray." "Alan." "Oh, and I'm also married." "[sighs]" "I need to talk to you about Alan." "How long has he been dating Susan?" "Is he in love with her?" "He must be." "Why else would he have bought her that beautiful bracelet?" "Oh, the bracelet." "Oh, Elaine." "Oh, no, no, no, no." "That... that bracelet wasn't a gift for Susan." "He just had it fixed for her." "Gave it to Sam Silsky." "The clasp guy from our card game." "The little guy with the big lisp?" "Cursed with a lisp and a name with two s's." "So Alan was telling the truth." "Elaine." "Your husband is many things, but he is not a liar." "Richard." "Thank you." "Thank you!" "I can't believe you were so cool about everything." "I have to say I really, really admire you for it." "I mean, it is not every woman who could make mad, passionate, joyous, athletic love to a guy just seconds after hearing the same guy had slept with her mom." "What did you just say?" "Nothing?" "Alan?" "Where are you?" "I know you're here." "I smell hot dogs." "[whistling]" "Elaine." "Elaine, what's going on?" "I came because I owe you an apology." "Great." "Apology accepted." "Richard told me you were telling the truth about the bracelet." "I guess it's just with this anniversary, it brought up a lot of unexpected feelings" "I've been having about us." "Elaine, maybe we should have this discussion at another time." "Just let me get this out." "I should have believed you when you told me about Susan, and I am sorry." "And to think I actually accused you of having a thing for her." "How could I have been so paranoid and crazy and just plain... [gasps]" "Right?" "Guess who just had the worst night of their life." "I guess it's you guys." "Hi, David." "I can't believe you slept with Susan." "[both men] It just happened." "Am I perfect?" "No." "Is it a complicated situation?" "Yes." "Is sleeping with both a father and a son something a woman of a certain age should just go out and brag about?" "I think it is." "I never thought I'd be breaking up with my husband, dating other people, and then considering getting back together with him." "Then again, life is never as simple as you think it's going to be." "What's gonna happen next?" "Well..." "Oh, we're out of time?" "Guess we'll have to pick this up later..."