"So how many restraining orders does the waitress have on you?" "Oh, a lot, dude." "I mean, she's been irritated with me, and she's, like, "You got me fired from the Oldies Rock Cafe." "You're gonna get me fired from the coffee shop."" "This is incredible." "You got to listen to this message." "Come here." "Seriously, this chick is so in is so in love with me it's crazy." "Hi, Dennis, it's Caleigh." "I was just calling to let you know that I hope you die!" "You are obviously a terrible person with no regard for anyone but yourself." "I never ever want to see you again, you steaming pile of horseshit!" "Go to hell!" "Bro, that's amazing." "That's, that's the best one yet." "It's a really good one, isn't it?" "What are you talking about?" "She hates your guts." "Dee, this chick is so in love with me, she doesn't even know it." "They don't get it because you haven't explained it to them, bro." "Oh, guys, I have a system, a foolproof system for getting any chick's undying love and devotion for life." "What the hell are you talking about, dude?" "I'm talking about the DENNIS System." "Ladies and gentlemen, the DENNIS System is a comprehensive approach to seduction that I have perfected over the years." "See, my success with women does not solely stem from my good looks and my charm." "There is a careful systemic approach that has allowed me to become the playboy that" "I am today." "A playboy?" "Is that how you see yourself?" "Yes." "He has banged a lot of chicks." "You know, just shut up, Dee." "Just shut up." "Now, the first step to any erotic conquest is to D:" ""Demonstrate Your Value."" "In this most recent case, my subject was Caleigh, a cute pharmacist." "I demonstrated my value to her by filling a prescription." "I told her, "It's for my grandmother; she's quite ill,"" "thus demonstrating my value as a loving grandson and all-around great guy." "You're forging prescriptions now?" "That's the easy part, Dee." "I would have gone in and bought a box of Magnum condoms, thus demonstrating that" "I have a monster dong." "Right." "That comes off a little bit desperate, Frank." "Now if you want to have a Magnum condom peeking out of your wallet when you go to pay, that's a different story." "Now let's move on." "Once you've demonstrated your value, you are going to want to ask her out." "Once you've asked her out... you move on to E:" ""Engage Physically."" "I personally try to engage the girl physically without ever going on the date, which to me is really just a waste of time and money." "I'll tell her I know this great little restaurant that doesn't take reservations." "That makes it sound cool, makes it sound exclusive." "And then we get to the restaurant; the restaurant is closed, as of course, it always is on Sundays." "So I'll feign surprise and say something along the lines of," ""Well, I guess we could grab a pizza and watch a movie at my place."" "That's where I come in." "Oh, you're a part of this?" "Oh, yeah, Mac has a very special place in my system." "Yeah, you see, I'm on the couch when they come in and ask to be alone." "And I say, "I can't go into my room because I found a black widow spider in there."" "And then Dennis fires back that he wants some privacy so they can get to know each other more better." "And then I say..." "Oh, well," "I guess we could always eat the pizza on my bed and watch the" "DVD in my room." "And once we're on my bed, it is game over." "I engage her physically, and the sexual waltz begins." "The pizza's good." "You're the one that's good." "Smooth!" "Very, very smooth stuff, very classy." "I'm learning a lot from you right now, dude." "Okay." "Now, once you've had sex with the woman, she will naturally start to depend on you, okay?" "All women do this." "They certainly do." "You got that right." "Sex with women." "Once you bang 'em..." "Like that." "Right, right." "Which brings me to the first N:" ""Nurturing dependence."" "You're gonna want to nurture that dependence that she's feeling on you now, guys." "Have her car towed." "Or you can slash her tires." "Either way, make her depend on you for rides." "Or you can use my personal go-to, which is to create a fictional angry neighbor who's threatening her and tell her you'll take care of him." "Hit up a pay phone so that she can't trace the calls back to you." "Give her a call and say something along the lines of..." "I'm watching you, you bitch!" "You're gonna die tonight!" "Oh, for Christ's sake, you're a complete sociopath!" "Don't interrupt, okay?" "Now, if you completed all the other steps properly up to this point, she'll naturally want to take the relationship to the next level, but you're not gonna do that." "You're gonna do the exact opposite: pull back, guys." "Pull back." "Which brings me to the second N:" ""Neglect Emotionally."" "Stop taking her phone calls." "Cancel all your plans." "Maybe that fictional angry neighbor that you've simulated comes back, and this time you're not around to cool him off." "Hello?" "Welcome to hell!" "This will frighten the shit out of her, okay, and she'll start getting really mixed up because you're not there to protect her." "She'll start questioning her self-worth, start questioning her self-esteem." "And that's the perfect time to" "I: "Inspire Hope."" "In Caleigh's case, I went to her window and I screamed..." "Caleigh, listen, listen, wait." "I want to tell you that the reason I was distant is because" "I was afraid you that were gonna break my heart, and I got scared." "But I'm not scared anymore, baby." "I love you." "I need you." "And then naturally, we bang." "And this is the best bang of all because it's very emotional for her." "You see, she thinks she's broken through my tough exterior and coerced affection from a man who is afraid to love." "And then I slink out into the night, never to talk to her again." "Separate Entirely." "Yes, Mac, that's right." "S: "Separate Entirely."" "D-E-N-N-I-S." "The DENNIS System." "That, my friends, is the key to winning any girl's heart." "Good stuff." "Better than I remember it." "Are you kidding me?" "You are not winning their hearts; you're torturing them, and they end up hating you." "Actually, Dee, they end up loving me more than they ever thought was possible." "And you set it up so you can get these chicks back at any time, huh?" "That's exactly right, Charlie." "You're really picking up on this" "I'm proud of you, bud." "Okay, there is no way that girl is gonna come back to you after what you just put her through" "Oh, I could absolutely get that girl back anytime I want." "I just choose not to." "I 100% guarantee you this girl's finished with you." "Well, I take that as a challenge, Dee, and I accept that challenge." "I'll have her back by the end of the day." "Yeah, Dee, you just don't get it, okay?" "This is what men do!" "Yeah." "This is what men do!" "This is men stuff!" "Yeah!" "Men stuff!" "You're probably getting" "DENNIS'd right now by that new boyfriend of yours and you don't even know it." "What boyfriend?" "She don't have a boyfriend!" "Yes, I do." "Ben-- you know, the online soldier that I met." "We're back together now, so..." "What?" "That dude wouldn't date you after what you put him through." "Maybe he'd DENNIS you, but he wouldn't date you." "He's not DENNISing me." "He's in the car right now." "I told him to wait for me." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." "So, wait, your guy has been waiting out here the whole time in the hot sun?" "Yeah, I just told him to wait for me." "He kind of just does whatever I say." "It's pretty great." "Why'd you tell him to do it with the windows up?" "I know, the engine's not even on" "That's just cruel." "I didn't." "I didn't." "I just didn't tell him to do it with the windows down." "He's not, you know, the smartest, but..." "Dee, it's, like, 100 degrees outside." "I'm assuming that he has engaged you physically?" "Well, I mean, of course we've engaged physically." "Look at that body." "It is stupid." "Of course we've engaged over and over physically." "But that doesn't mean that he's pulling some sort of a system." "Hey, guys." "Hey, Dee." "I didn't see you there." "Are you almost done?" "Yeah, yeah." "I just, I got caught up in a story." "But I'll be done pretty soon." "Oh, oh, okay." "Well, do you want me to come in?" "No!" "No, I don't, no." "You just, you just stay where you are and..." "You know what, I'll text you when I'm wrapping up, and then you can crank the A.C., cool the car off for me." "Sure thing." "Okay." "See you, fellas." "Okay." "We'll see you, man." "Dee, you're getting played." "You're getting played big-time." "He's not doing..." "Big-time!" "...anything." "He's just" " I told him to sit..." "And there you go." "Good to see you." "See you soon." "Bye." "Hey, Caleigh." "What do you want?" "Listen, before you say anything, I just want to say that I'm really sorry for everything that went down between us." "It's all my fault." "Nana took a turn for the worst, and it's got me in a really bad place." "I just..." "I don't know what" "I would do if she died." "I don't think your grandmother exists, Dennis." "I beg your pardon." "Uh, yeah, I looked into it;" "there's no, um, uh, Dr. Toboggan in Philadelphia either." "Oh, no, yeah." "He doesn't..." "He's not based in Philly." "Oh, no?" "No, it says "Philadelphia" right there." "Oh." "Yeah, no, that..." "I'm gonna call him because if he's still giving people prescriptions on that pad, those people could get in a lot of trouble." "Oh!" "Whoa." "W-What the hell are you doing here?" "I'm swooping in on your chick." "What?" "No, dude." "I'm trying to re-DENNIS this chick, so I can shove it in" "Dee's face." "What, uh, what is this swooping in business?" "Oh, that's my system-- the MAC." ""Move in After Completion."" "I wait till you're done with them, and then I swoop in, give them a shoulder to cry on, and then we hump." "Oh, you've been humping these girls after I'm done with them?" "Oh, yeah, dude." "I come in as the sensitive intellectual type." "Why do you think I'm always reading books and shit when we do the spider routine?" "I thought you were just my wingman though." "No, no, I'm swimming in your wake." "Hey, what are you two dickheads doing here?" "What are you doing here?" "What do you mean?" "I'm here for the scraps." "Frank, I haven't had a chance to get in there yet, okay?" "So just..." "What's taking you so long?" "Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait." "What, you have a system where you come in after Mac?" "That's right." "I come in after Mac." "But he's taking, like, forever this time." "I got my Magnum condoms." "I got my wad of hundreds." "I'm ready to plow." "You should see him feast." "He's like a mantis." "It's amazing." "Oh, that's good." "Call me that from now on." "Mantis." "No, nobody's calling you" "Man..." "Look, you guys got to back off, okay?" "I'm trying to re-DENNIS this chick." "No, you back off." "Wait-wait a second, Frank." "He's right." "It's a delicate ecosystem." "We got to... we got to stick with it." "Just let him do his thing, and then we'll come in for seconds and scraps." "Get out..." "Just play it cool." "...before she sees you." "Hurry up though, because..." "Magnum condoms and a wad of hundreds." "Idiot." "This is so exciting." "You're gonna love this." "Okay, just stop right there." "Okay, and off with the..." "Okay, here we are!" "I set up a picnic for us!" "What the hell are you doing?" "What...?" "I-I set up a picnic." "Do you, do you not like picnics?" "Okay, all right, I know what's going on." "I-I'm onto you, guy." "You bring me out here to some landfill in the middle of nowhere." "You blindfold me so I have no idea where I am." "I'm gonna depend on you to get home..." "Dee, do you want to go?" "Yeah, oh, yeah!" "I want to go, but not with you." "I'll go all by myself." "I'll take the bus." "And I'll also take this." "Thank you." "Well, here." "Do you want a glass?" "No, stop it!" "What... do you need bus fare?" "I don't need bus fare." "I'm not sure the bus comes out here anyway." "Okay, I'll walk then, okay?" "What...?" "In your heels?" "They're very nice." "Here, take my boots!" "Stop it!" "Stop trying to make me depend on you, okay?" "I'm fine all by myself, buddy." "I'm doing just fine by myself." "Oh, my God!" "Are you okay?" "!" "I'm fine!" "Well, just, look, just stay there." "I'm gonna come down to help." "Leave me alone!" "I won't give you the satisfaction!" "I'm fine!" "I'm independent." "What...?" "I-I don't need you!" "Wait..." "I don't need anybody!" "Where you going?" "!" "Shut up!" "Oh, what the hell?" "!" "Oh, what the hell, Charlie?" "!" "Hey!" "Look who's home." "Uh, well, hang on a second." "What you doing there?" "Oh, I'm calling the police." "Uh, no!" "Uh, you don't have to call the police." "Check it out." "I'm here just to fix your garbage disposal." "Is that a bag of hair in your hand, Charlie?" "Ah..." "Have you been breaking into my apartment and shoving hair in my sink?" "Okay, okay." "Let's start over." "We're getting way off topic here." "I would like you to focus on the amount of value that I'm demonstrating to you by fixing your garbage disposal." "Will you just get the hell out of my apartment?" "Are you sure?" "'Cause your garbage disposal..." "Pretty sure." "It's way worse than when I got here." "I think you should get out." "All right." "I like this blouse you're wearing; that's nice." "Is that new?" "What is that?" "It's modern, right?" "This is my uniform that I have to wear for my other job, and it's ugly." "Well, now, it's not ugly." "It's just..." "You know, it's unique." "So, what's this new job?" "I work at the fair." "Working at the fair!" "Well, look at us, you know?" "I'm a plumber." "You're a fair worker." "They go well together, right?" "Get out of my apartment." "Oh, all right." "I don't know." "I did everything right and I can't get past the letter "D,"" "dude." "Okay." "Well, what did you do, exactly?" "I broke into her place." "I ripped her sink apart." "I brought a bag of hair." "You know what I mean?" "And I come across looking like a total jerk." "Yeah, of course, because nothing that you just described sounds correct." "These are totally the type of things..." "You were talking about slashing a girl's tires and doing scary voices." "Do you know anything about plumbing?" "Uh, no." "Maybe it's just over my head, this system." "You know, maybe I should just stick to stalking." "No." "Maybe that's my system." "She got a job at the fair." "It could be fun to stalk her at a fair." "Jesus Christ on the cross." "You look like shit." "Yeah." "Yeah, that's 'cause I spent the night in the woods, trying to demonstrate my independence." "Okay, clearly, none of you have any idea how to run my system." "Goddamn..." "All right, I'm going to get everybody what they want, including myself." "Let me just think for a second." "Let me just work something out here and, um..." "Whoa." "What's he doing?" "Just shut up and let him work." "We're going to the fair." "That will provide the perfect setting for all of our needs to be met." "Charlie, you'll demonstrate your value to the waitress by winning a prize at her booth." "Good, dude, then I give her the prize and that's good." "Mm-mm." "No, that's dead wrong, actually." "You're going to take the prize and award it to the bustiest woman you can find." "Okay, your indifference to the waitress will only make you more attractive to her." "Oh." "Now, Dee, because of your ridiculous missteps, you actually have no value, so your only hope is to lower Ben's value." "You're going to do this by flirting with a carny in front of him." "Oh, gosh, yeah." "I don't know if I want to deal with a carny." "No, no one likes dealing with carnies and that's why Frank will pose as one." "Now, Mac, you're the final piece in this puzzle." "I need you to resume your role as the thoughtful roommate and invite Caleigh out to the fair." "There, I shall be waiting to win back her heart." "How you going to do that?" "I got to get myself a grandmother." "What's happening?" "What's happening is we're at the fair, Gladys, and you're going to act like my grandma, okay?" "My grandmother had an affair with Susan B. Anthony." "I don't give a shit." "Look, paying you not to talk, all right?" "So..." "Well, hello." "This is a coincidence, huh?" "No, it's not." "No, it's not, but it's exciting, isn't it?" "So, uh, what game do we have here?" "What game is this?" ""Speed Pitch."" "That's all you do?" "You throw a pitch?" "I mean, what prizes are there?" "There are no prizes, Charlie." "It's just to see, "How fast can you throw?"" "Oh, well, then, I guess I'll demonstrate my value to you by firing off a wicked hot fastball, huh?" "You know this game is for children, right?" "I don't care it's for kids." "All right?" "Let me demonstrate my value to you" "Please." "When I was little, all the kids would beat me up and call me "bookworm."" "Right this way, Nana." "Kids are so brutal." "Oh." "Hi, Mac." "Caleigh." "I didn't see you there." "What are you doing here?" "This is my nana." "She's-She's on the mend, so I wanted to get her out of the house." "This is your grandmother?" "Oh, yeah." "Yeah, this is Nana." "Yeah, isn't she precious?" "My grandmother was a lesbian." "Well?" "How's it look?" "It's great." "You look like a lizard." "I like turtles." "Okay." "Ooh, look, a carny." "Frank." "Hey, Frank." "Ooh." "What are you doing?" "Lose the tie." "You're way overdressed." "I got a new angle." "What?" "Leave us alone." "Yeah, but listen." "Just listen to me for one second, okay?" "Dennis, I've been looking all over for you!" "Where you been?" "Hello." "Dr. Toboggan." "Nice to meet you." "Thank you." "Frank, what the hell are you doing?" "Uh, actually, it's Mantis." "Mantis Toboggan, M.D." "I got your test results." "You're positive." "You got the HIV." "Yes, AIDS, big-time." "Dennis, what are you...?" "You got the AIDS, big-time." "What are you doing, dude?" "Did you see her face?" "Look at her." "Look at her." "I'm breaking her down." "I'm making her feel worthless." "You see?" "She thinks she's got the HIV." "And I slip in." "Get it?" "There's an order here, dude." "Get back in line." "No more thirds for Frankie." "Seconds from now on." "All right!" "That was all right." "15." "15." "It's cause I'm getting tired." "All right?" "My arm's blown out." "Hey, "Speed Pitch."" "You want to play?" "Okay." "Oh, hey, wait, wait." "Hey, guy." "You work here?" "Yeah." "Yeah?" "Oh, shit, Ben." "Look, a carny." "Hey." "So, I wonder if there's a kissing booth anywhere close." "64." "Ow!" "Ow!" "Oh, you stabbed me!" "He stabbed me with a key!" "Someone!" "Someone call a doctor!" "Ow!" "You idiot!" "Why would you stab me?" "I was flirting with you." "That guy paid me to." "You weren't supposed to stab her, man." "You were supposed to stab her!" "What?" "!" "You want to have me stabbed?" "I was going to protect you from the stabbing." "Wrong!" "Wrong!" "Wrong!" "Wrong!" "You're supposed to let her get stabbed, hope that it hits a main artery, and then, as she's dying, you nurse her back to health, thereby making her totally dependent on you." "Oh..." "See, this is why nobody should be going off my system." "What do you mean, "off your system"?" "My system of seduction that I used to win your heart that these idiots are ruining right now." "Ben's the only one who's using it properly." "Ben, please explain how the system works." "I don't know what you're talking about." "Are you telling me you had your face painted like a goddamn frog person and you have no ulterior motive here?" "I'm a lizard." "Ooh, whoops." "Ooh." "I dropped my monster condom that" "I use for my magnum dong." "I'm out of here." "No." "I'll give you a ride." "Thank you." "What?" "What are you doing?" "I'm leaving." "Dee, I don't like you." "Well, how is that possible?" "You're a mean person." "Ah, well..." "Oh, you wou..." "You go!" "You get out of here!" "Way to go, jerks." "Good job." "Yeah, you know, "way to go,"" "to you." "You work in a fair, carny." "All right, don't call her a carny." "I don't need you to take up for me." "Get out of here." "Shut up!" "Just go!" "Yeah, yeah." "You goddamn idiots ruining my system." "Everybody ruins my system." "Nobody gets it." "System, my ass." "I hate carnivals." "I need a ride." "Sinc by ReHelen" " Corrected by chamallow35"