"Ah, General Burkhalter!" "What a great pleasure!" "I had no idea..." "Of course you had no idea, Klink." "No one must have any idea." "You understand that?" "Perfectly." "No one must have any idea." "Idea of what, sir?" "Achtung!" "Kommandant Klink, this is Dr. Vanetti." "You will set up an office for him in Stalag 13." "Dr. Vanetti, a great pleasure." "I shall be your first patient." "My stomach... in the afternoons, particularly right here." "He's not that type of a doctor, Klink." "Oh." "Well, I suppose it's not that serious." "It is most serious, Klink." "Most serious." "And you will pay attention!" "I cannot work here." "There's too much noise." "Dr. Vanetti, please, sit down." "Sit down, please, please." "It is most quiet here." "Like a church!" "I promise you." "Klink?" "Shh, shh!" "Like a church, sir." "The prisoners make, uh, uh, twittering noises like birds." "I've tamed them." "I cannot stand birds." "There are no birds here!" "There are no birds here, only quiet." "You will see that he gets complete quiet, Klink." "Absolute quiet, absolute quiet." "Dr. Vanetti is doing very secret, very delicate type of research, on what, even I do not know, and if I did, I wouldn't tell you." "Oh, but, Herr General, we don't have any laboratory facilities here." "We have brought along what he will need." "Mostly, I only need paper." "Paper." "And pencil." "Pencil." "Fraulein Helga!" "And quiet." "Quiet." "I beg your pardon, Herr Doctor." "Yes, Herr Kommandant?" "Fraulein Helga, we cannot be disturbed!" "Klink!" "I cannot work here." "I promise you." "In the old days at Gottingen, it was peaceful." "Even in the cafe, it was quiet." "Sometimes, I would sit all night with Fermi and Hoterman and Szilard... but now... they bomb by day and they bomb by night." "Those barbarians!" "Every inch of Germany." "Ah, ah, ah." "Every inch but here." "Here, there is absolute peace and security." "BURKHALTER:" "Dr. Vanetti, you will be completely safe here." "We got to kill him." "Kill him?" "Kill him, Colonel?" "You heard me." "Just doesn't sound like us, Colonel." "Hey, why don't we make such a ruddy row, he just can't work?" "Yeah." "What could he be doing that's so dangerous with a paper and pencil?" "You didn't hear him?" "He said he was at the University of Gottingen with Fermi, Hoterman and Szilard." "Those are atomic scientists." "Gottingen was the center for atomic research." "With this paper and pencil, he could devise a bomb that could lose us the war." "I need a volunteer." "Right!" "For garbage detail." "Who is it?" "Schultz, don't bother us." "We got to kill a man." "Oh, ho, ho, ho..." "You've got to kill a man." "You know somebody for the job?" "As a matter of fact, I do." "Yeah?" "Who?" "Yesterday, an assassin of the Army of General de Gaulle was dropped from an airplane over Germany." "They say he was supposed to kill some of the highest officials of the Third Reich." "Why he wanted to do it, I don't know." "How'd you hear about him?" "Was he captured, brought in?" "Captured and sent to Stalag 16." "Oh." "However, you merely have to go to the Kommandant of Stalag 16 and tell him your need for this..." "loan... of an assassin!" "That's it!" "Lebeau, you know how to get there." "Take Carter with you." "You go out tonight." "Right." "Hogan..." "Newkirk, Kinch." "Colonel Hogan, you are joking?" "Colonel Hogan, you are joking?" "Colonel Hogan, I was joking!" "Schultz, I'd love to have you stick around, but we've got a job to do." "Now, look, Kinch..." "I-I-I-I-I-I-I hear nothing!" "I see nothing!" "Nothing!" "We're near the tunnel entrance." "I give the signal when all is clear." "They open up from inside." "Formidable." "A pleasure to escape into your camp." "Merci, Sergeant." "What about him?" "LeBEAU:" "Make one last attempt." "We cannot bring him back into camp." "Colonel Hogan will murder us." "Colonel Crittendon." "Eh?" "What's the hold-up, Carter?" "Shh!" "We can't figure out which way to go, Colonel." "Out of Germany, man, quickest way possible." "Uh, yes, sir, but, see, we thought if-if you'd go out that way, see, reconnoiter..." "That's not the way at all." "Lucky I came on this escape." "You've been turned around since we left 16." "Yes, sir." "Sure was lucky." "Just follow me, man." "Shh!" "Following you." "GUARD:" "Halt!" "Wer ist da?" "( alarm blaring ) Oh, blast!" "( barking )" "All clear, Colonel." "Great, just great." "It's been ten minutes since the shots." "Did they all get caught?" "Hello, here's Kinch." "What happened?" "Well... that's a good question, Colonel." "We did get Sergeant Garreaux out of Stalag 16." "It was a beautiful operation." "You want to hear about it?" "No, I don't want to hear about it." "This officer just insisted on coming along." "What do I care?" "Where's Garreaux?" "Well, we had a little trouble... outside." "Garreaux got captured." "Again." "But the officer got through." "Dandy." "As a matter of fact, here he is now." "Most ingenious." "Most ingenious." "Oh, it can't be." "Hogan, old boy." "Good to see you again." "I say, fantastic operation you've got going down there." "Absolutely fantastic." "Why didn't you tell me about it when I was here before, eh?" "Colonel Crittendon, at that time, you said the only duty of a prisoner of war was to escape, and if we were engaged in any more than that, you'd tell the Germans." "I said that?" "Yes, I suppose I did." "Still, should've told me about it, though." "All right, I am telling you." "We have the most dangerous man in Germany in camp right now." "We were bringing in a trained assassin from Stalag 16 to kill him." "Instead of that, you tag along!" "The whole operation gets snafued, and our man gets captured." "Now, I suppose you'll want to tell Klink." "Why would I do a thing like that?" "Because this and everything else we're doing in this camp is completely against what prisoners of war" ""are supposed to do"." "Precisely!" "That's what makes it such a smashing good show." "Now, tell me about this chap I'm going to do in?" "You're going to do him in?" "Well, all in a day's soldiering." "I mean, uh, can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs, can we, wot?" "Colonel Crittendon, you've had actual field experience?" "Tied to a desk job my whole career, so I could use a keen young fellow like Carter here and all those firecrackers he's got down in the cellar." "Oh, we've got enough stuff down there to blow up a whole battalion, sir." "Maybe you could put something in his vichyssoise, Colonel?" "Oh, bonny day." "Uh, popping him into a nice tub of warm ale would be a bit more British-like, sir." "All right, hold it!" "What's up, old boy?" "This is probably the biggest thing we're going to do during the entire war, and we're not going to run it like a high school production of Arsenic and Old Lace." "Is that clear?" "Perfectly." "What about a pygmy blowpipe?" "Tipped with cobra venom." "Not with a crossbow!" "Lovely weapon." "What's the matter with a gun?" "Far too noisy." "Boy, this really works, Colonel." "Silent killer." "I'd like to form a battalion of these when I get home." "Crittendon's Crossbow..." "if they don't put me back behind a desk, of course." "Uh, care for a shot?" "No thanks, I'm on duty." "Now, look, I just found out Vanetti's having dinner with Klink tonight in his quarters, in fact, in about 20 minutes." "I'll get in there and maneuver him in front of the window." "Right." "How will I know him?" "You know me, and you know Klink." "He'll be the one you don't know." "I say... jolly good." "There'll be diversion at the other end of the camp." "That'll draw off the guards." "You'll get time for one shot." "Make it count." "Right." "Good as done." "Uh, do you have any carrots?" "Carrots?" "Hmm." "Touch of night blindness." "Nothing to worry about." "It's good as done." "I can't stand it." "Carter." "All set?" "Yeah." "They'll sound like a war, Colonel." "All right, five minutes, take off." "Crittendon." "You know your post." "Right." "All right, look, wait 60 seconds after the diversion starts." "I'll get Vanetti to the window." "Right." "All right, take off." "Good as done." "Which way?" "That way." "Right." "Crittendon..." "Right." "Ooh!" "And, uh, I trust things are proceeding well with your little project, Dr. Vanetti?" "Klink, what do you know about my project?" "I know nothing, nothing at all." "I just asked if things went well." "Even that is a most dangerous question." "Of course." "I understand completely." "Do you?" "No!" "I do not understand." "I know nothing." "I understand nothing." "Have confidence." "( knocking ) We cannot be disturbed." "Terribly sorry, Colonel Klink." "Colonel Hogan, out at once!" "Thought you'd want to know..." "I do not want to know..." "What?" "I got wind of an escape attempt." "Knowing it would fail, I don't want my men to get hurt." "They will not try." "There can never be an escape from Stalag 13." "Dismissed!" "I suppose you're right, sir." "I'm, uh, sorry for intruding." "I-I didn't catch your name..." "Dismissed!" "( firecrackers crackling )" "What's that?" "Sounds like firecrackers." "Aha!" "Pistol fire-- that's what it is." "An escape attempt." "Gallant fools." "I must go at once, but I cannot leave you here alone." "I'll stay." "I mean, I'm a coward anyway." "But I cannot leave you with him!" "Why?" "I cannot tell you why." "I do not know why." "That's why!" "Klink, you promised me quiet." "You shall have absolute quiet, Dr. Vanetti." "Sound the alarm!" "Prisoners are escaping!" "Wait, wait, wait, Colonel, please!" "What are you doing?" "!" "Only your presence can stop it!" "That's right." "What shall I do?" "Leave... quietly." "( alarm ringing ) ( dogs barking )" "I shall return." "You can see it all from the window, uh..." "Now..." "I must talk to you, Colonel Hogan." "Me?" "Ja." "That is why I arranged to be brought here." "I heard of your activities through the underground." "I want you to get me out of Germany." "I thought you were working on the atomic bomb for them." "The secret's in here, young man." "The secrets of the atomic bomb are far too terrible to be entrusted to Herr Hitler." "Can you get me to England?" "We can do it, yes." "Good." "We must plan quickly." "He'll be coming back soon..." "No, Doctor..." "You know, they were firecrack..." "What are you doing down there?" "What is it?" "I don't know." "Did you ever do anything nasty to Robin Hood?" "Schultz, Schultz!" "They have tracked me down, Klink... even here." "Dr. Vanetti, I assure you, you are absolutely safe here." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "Schultz, did you see anyone in the compound just now?" "Anyone shooting arrows?" "Shooting arrows?" "No, Herr Kommandant, but this afternoon, the prisoners were pitching horseshoes." "Schultz!" "Take Dr. Vanetti down to his quarters under heavy guard at once." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "And I want four sentries posted 24 hours a day, Schultz." "It shall be done, Herr Kommandant." "Dr. Vanetti, I promise you, you will be absolutely safe there." "Herr Kommandant, you have a hole in your cap." "I know..." "I know." "Dismissed." "Good night, Dr. Vanetti." "Sleep well." "Diabolical!" "But how did they know that he was here?" "That's easy." "They didn't." "What are you saying, Hogan?" "No one knew he was here, but everybody knows you're here." "But who would be after me?" "Ah, it's not fair of me to guess." "Who?" "Who?" "You know how they hate to fire a man to his face." "What?" "Not the Gestapo!" "But why?" "It may not even be personal." "Just a small purge." "I've got to be running along." "Um... sleep tight, Commandant." "Crittendon, lay off." "He's on our side." "Oldest trick in the world, old boy, now that he knows we're onto him." "He told me this before you shot him." "You see?" "Devilishly clever, but we'll get him next time." "High explosive." "That's the ticket." "Crittendon..." "( explosion )" "Carter!" "( coughing ):" "Boy..." "Boy, that stuff's a little unstable." "Carter, you're shooting off the stuff right under Klink's office." "Too many shots too close to the head, that's what it is." "( speaking French )" "Sorry, chaps, can't stand in the way of progress." "Carter, back to the old laboratory." "Crittendon, what if I give you a direct order?" "Have to disregard it, I'm afraid, old chap." "Have you on day to rank." "After you, Carter." "You're not going to let him get away with that, Colonel?" "You've got to stop him, gov'ner." "Tell us what to do, Colonel." "What happened to that crossbow?" "Colonel Hogan, I have been thinking about what you suggested last night, and I reject it completely." "About the Gestapo." "They would have no reason to include me in a blood purge of any sort." "You're right." "I am?" "Mm-hmm." "Sometimes they draw names out of a hat." "Keeps everyone on his toes." "No!" "However, there have been some, uh, explosions this morning... underground." "Do you have an explanation for that?" "I certainly do." "Well?" "You rejected it." "You mean they are tunneling underground to blow me up?" "Well, that's utterly fantastic!" "Yes, it is." "Is there anything else?" "Wait!" "( explosion )" "Whoever it is, they're getting closer." "Colonel Hogan, what am I going to do?" "Don't tell me you haven't got a plan for this, Colonel." "Well, it had to come sometime." "What, what?" "Why don't you get out of camp for a while, go to Berlin?" "Berlin?" "Won't General Burkhalter protect you?" "Of course he'd protect me." "He has the greatest respect for me." "Didn't he entrust me with Dr. Vanetti?" "You're right." "You'll take Vanetti with you." "You can't leave him here." "I'll take him along." "I can't leave him." "Soon as it gets dark, of course." "Soon as it gets dark, of course." "And, naturally, you'll both be in disguise." "Both in disguise." "Boy, I have to hand it to you." "You had it planned all along." "Psst!" "All right, look, keep your collar up and your cap down." "You're, uh, you're sure this is a better way, Hogan?" "Better?" "It's perfect." "Forged papers from Berlin, our own men in the staff car." "All you have to do is take Vanetti out and let him have it." "Just, um..." "let him have it." "Close range." "Fire the entire clip, just to make sure." "Eh, right." "Um, you're sure he's not on our side?" "Crittendon, I couldn't fight your logic." "Let's go." "Quite." "There's the staff car." "I'll check to see if Vanetti's in it." "But Hogan..." "Oh, yes, better say good-bye here." "After you let him have it, just take off across country." "After you get back to England, they don't dare put you behind a desk again." "Yes, I dare say..." "Ice water, Crittendon." "What?" "Just what you've got in your veins: ice water." "Good luck." "Colonel Klink?" "What?" "Oh, Hogan." "Excellent disguise, sir, but, uh, are you aware" "Dr. Vanetti is wandering around the compound looking for you?" "Impossible!" "I just sent Schultz in to get him." "Had a little mix-up." "He came out when you took the guard off." "I'll get him." "Well, be quick about it." "And good luck, sir." "You'll be back in no time." "Why, I, uh..." "Hogan..." "I'm going, I'm going." "Your disguise." "Oh." "SCHULTZ:" "Herr Kommandant!" "Herr Kommandant!" "Mr. Vanetti's gone!" "Schultz." "Don't worry about it, Schultz." "Why shouldn't I worry?" "He is gone!" "What is happening?" "I wouldn't tell another soul, but I'm going to tell you." "Now, it'll take a little time, so pay close attention." "No, no, no, no, no, no." "I know nothing." "I don't want to know nothing." "I see nothing!" "I see nothing!" "Dr. Vanetti, why did you ask the driver to pull over?" "The game won't work, old boy." "I'm not Vanetti." "You are." "You're not?" "( gasps )" "Gestapo!" "Oh, I-I-I assure you, I am completely loyal." "This, uh, this disguise-- it's-it's just a lark." "Actually, I was on my way to Berlin to join the Party." "I say, you're..." "you're not Vanetti." "You're... you're Klink." "Of course I am." "Heart and soul with our glorious leader, ah, dating back to the year when the..." "Haven't we met before?" "Uh, must've been two other chaps." "I, uh, I just remembered an appointment." "Guard!" "Driver!" "He's an escapee from Stalag 16!" "Capture him!" "I have been tricked... somehow!" "You're all set, Doctor:" "papers, money." "You'll get through to England all right." "Ja, ja, I will get through to England." "I'm only sorry that you had to sacrifice a man for me." "Crittendon?" "We didn't sacrifice him." "Made sure the guards had blanks in their guns." "Ah." "Good." "He may make it through, but I doubt it." "He just doesn't have a talent for escaping." "Well, it's almost time." "Klink'll be back." "Want to make sure we blow up your lab before he gets here." "Well, then, I shall say danke schon und wiederschen." "Good." "Uh, Dr. Vanetti?" "Uh, forgive my, uh, professional curiosity, sort of, but do you think our side will ever come up with the atomic bomb?" "I hope not." "T'would be noisy." "Very noisy." "Incredible." "And you have found no trace of him, Klink?" "None." "General Burkhalter, you cannot imagine the force of this explosion." "A victim of his own evil designs for mankind, if I may say so, General." "You may not!" "How can he be so brainy and dummkopf enough to blow himself up?" "And from you, Colonel Hogan," "I shall want straight answers to many questions." "Many." "I agree with you, sir." "Why don't we go talk it over with General Burkhalter right now?" "Eh... forget it." ""(End of Episode)""