"All right, Charlie, that the joint?" "Yes, sir." "And who runs it?" "I already told you." "Refresh my memory." "Spats Colombo." "That's very refreshing." "Now what's the password?" "I come to Grandma's funeral." "Here's your admission card." "Thanks, Charlie." "If you want a ringside table, tell 'em you're one of the pall bearers." "Okay, Charlie." "We're all set." "When is the kickoff?" "Look, Chief – I better blow now, because if Spats Colombo sees me, it's Goodbye Charlie." "Goodbye, Charlie." "Give me five minutes – then hit 'em with everything you got." "You betcha!" "Good evening, sir." "I'm Mr. MOZARELLA." "What can I do for you?" "I come to the old lady's funeral." "I don't believe I've seen you at any of our services before." "That's because I've been on the wagon." "Please!" "Where are they holding the wake?" "I'm supposed to be one of the pallbearers." "Show the gentleman into the chapel – pew number three." "Yes, Mr. Mozarella." "This way, sir." "Well, if you gotta go–this is the way to do it." "Follow me!" "What'll it be, sir?" "Booze." "Sorry, sir, we only serve coffee." "Coffee?" "Scotch coffee, Canadian coffee, sour-mash coffee..." "Make is Scotch." "A demitasse." "With a little soda on the side." "Wait a minute!" "Haven't you got another pew –not so close to the band?" "How about that one over there?" "Sorry, sir." "That's reserved for members of the immediate family." "Oups." "Hey – I want another cup of coffee." "I want another cup of coffee." "Better bring the check now – in case the joint gets raided." "Who's going to raid a funeral?" "Some people got no respect for the dead." "Say, Joe – tonight's the night, isn't it?" "I'll say." "I mean, we get paid tonight, that's good?" "Why?" "Because I lost a filling in my back tooth." "I gotta go to the dentist tomorrow." "Dentist?" "We been out of work for four months – and you want to blow your first week's pay on your teeth?" "It's just a little inlay – it doesn't even have to be gold –" "How can you be so selfish?" "We owe back rent – we're in four eighty-nine bucks to Moe's Delicatessen –" "– we're being sued by three Chinese lawyers because our check bounced at the laundry – we've borrowed money from every girl in the line –" "You're right, Joe." "Well, of course, I am right." "First thing tomorrow we're going to pay everybody a little something on account." "Oh, no we're not." "We don't?" " No." "First thing tomorrow we're going out to the dog track and put the whole bundle on Greased Lightning." "You're going to bet my money on a dog?" "He's a shoo-in." "I got the word from Max the waiter – his brother-in-law is the electrician who wires the rabbit –" "What are you giving me with the rabbit?" "Look at those odds – ten to one." "If he wins, we can pay everybody." "But suppose he loses?" "What are you worried about?" "This job is going to last a long time." "But suppose it doesn't?" "Jerry-boy – why do you have to paint everything so black?" "Suppose you get hit by a truck?" "Suppose the stock market crashes?" "Suppose Mary Pickford divorces Douglas Fairbanks?" "Suppose the Dodgers leave Brooklyn." "Joe, suppose Lake Michigan overflows." "Don't look now – but the whole town is under water!" "...four, three, two, one..." "All right, everybody – this is a raid." "I'm a federal agent, and you're all under arrest." "I want another cup of coffee." "Okay, Spats – the services are over." "Lets go." "Go where?" "A little country club we run for retired bootleggers." "I'm gonna put your name up for membership." "I don't join nothin'." "Oh, you'll like it there." "I'll have the prison tailor fit you with a pair of special spats – striped!" "Big joke." "What's the rap this time?" "Embalming people with coffee –eighty-six proof." "Me?" "I'm just a customer here." "Oh, come on, Spats – we know you own this joint." "Mozarella is just fronting for you." "Mozarella?" "Never heard of him." "We got different information." "From who?" "Toothpick Charlie, maybe?" "Toothpick Charlie?" "Never heard of him." "Buttermilk!" "Too smart to drink your own stuff, huh?" "Come on!" "On your feet!" "You're just wasting the taxpayers' money." "Call your lawyer, if you wannit." "These are my lawyers – all Harvard men." "I want another cup of coffee." "Well, that solves one problem." "Now we don't have to worry about who to pay first." "Quiet – I'm thinking." "Of course, the landlady is going to lock us out – Moe said no more knackwurst on credit – and we can't borrow any more from the girls, because they're on their way to jail –" "Shut up, will you?" "I wonder how much Sam the Bookie will give up for our overcoats?" "Sam the Bookie?" "Nothing doing!" "You're not putting my overcoat on that dog!" "Look, Jerry, I told you – it's a sure thing." "But we'll freeze – it's below zero – we'll get pneumonia." "Look, stupid, he's ten to one." "Tomorrow, we'll have twenty overcoats!" "Greased Lightning!" "Why do I listen to you?" "I ought to have my head examined!" "I thought you weren't talking to me." "Look at the bull fiddle – it's dressed warmer than I am." "Anything today?" " Nothing." " Thank you." " Anything today?" " Nothing." " Thank you." "I can't go on, Joe." "I'm weak from hunger." "I'm running a fever. i've got a hole in my shoe." "If you gave me a chance we could be living like kings." "Oh, how?" "There's a dog running in the third - his name is Galloping Ghost" "Oh, no!" " Oh, yes!" "He's 15 to 1 as he is!" "What do you want from me?" "My head on a plate?" "No, just your bass, if we hock that and my sax, we could at least" "Are you out of your mind?" "We are up the creek and you want to hock the paddle." "All right, go ahead and starve!" "What do I care?" "Freeze!" "Anything today?" "Oh, it's you!" "Well, you got a lot of nerve – Thank you!" "Joe – come back here!" "Now look, Nellie – if it's about last Saturday night – I can explain everything." "What a heel!" "I spend four dollars to get my hair marcelled, I buy me a new negligee, I bake him a great big pizza pie... – and where were you?" " Were were you?" "With you!" "With me?" " Don't you remember?" "He has this bad tooth – it got impacted – the whole jaw swole up –" "It was." "Oh, yeah, right over there." "So I had to take him to the hospital and give him a blood transfusion..." "Right?" " Right!" "We have the same type blood..." "Type O" "O?" " O." "Nellie baby, I'll make it up to you." "You're making it up pretty good so far." "As soon as we get a job, I'm going to take you out to the swellest restaurant in town." "How about it, Nellie?" "Has Poliakoff got anything for us?" "We're desperate." "Well, it just so happens he is looking for a bass and a sax – Right?" "Right!" "What's the job?" " Three weeks in Florida –" "Florida!" " The Seminole-Ritz, in Miami." "Transportation and all expenses all paid..." "Isn't she a bit of terrific?" "Come on – let's talk to Poliakoff." "Hold on!" "He's got some people in there with him, you'll have to wait, boys." "Alright, we'll wait." "Look, Gladys, it's three weeks in Florida – Sweet Sue and Her Society Syncopators – they need a couple of girls on sax and bass –" " what do you mean, who is this?" "Sig Poliakoff." "I got a job for you – Gladys, are you there?" "Meshugeh!" "Played for a hundred and twelve hours at a marathon dance, and now she's in bed with a nervous collapse." "Tell her to move over." "What about Cora Jackson?" "The last I heard, she was playing with the Salvation Army, yet." "Drexel 9044." "Idiot broads!" "Here we are already packed ready to leave for Miami, and what happens?" "The saxophone runs off with a Bible salesman, and the bass fiddle gets herself pregnant." "Bienstock, I ought to fire you!" "Me?" "I'm the manager of the band – not the night watchman." "Hello?" "Let me talk to Bessie Malone – what's she doing in Philadelphia?" " on the level?" "Bessie let her hair grow and is playing with Stokowski." "Black Bottom Bessie?" " Schpielt zich mit der Philharmonic." "How about Rosemary Schultz?" "She slashed her wrists when Valentino died!" "We might as well all slash our wrists if we don't round up two dames by this evening." "Look, Sig, you know the kind of girls we need." "We don't care where you find them – just get them on that train by eight o'clock." "Be nonchalant." "Trust Poliakoff." "The moment anything turns up, I'll give you a little tingle." " Bye, Sig." "I wonder if I got room for another ulcer?" "Nellie, get me long distance." "Look, Sig – we wanna talk to you." " What is it?" "It's about the Florida job." " The Florida job?" "Nellie told us about it." " We're not too late, are we?" " What are you – a couple of comedians?" "Get out of here!" "Long distance?" "Get me the William Morris Agency in New York." "You need a bass and a sax, don't you?" " The instruments are right, but you are not." "I want to speak to Mr. Morris." " Wait a minute, what's wrong with us?" " You're the wrong shape." "Goodbye." "The wrong shape?" "You looking for hunchbacks or something?" "It's not the backs that worry me." "What kind of band is this, anyway?" "You got to be under twenty-five –" "We could pass for that." "– you got to be blonde –" "We could dye our hair." "– and you got to be girls." "We could – No, we couldn't!" "Mr.William Morris!" " Wait a minute " "You mean it's a girls' band?" " Yeah, that's what he means." "Good old Nellie!" "I ought to wring her neck!" " Yes, I'm holding on." " Lets talk this thing over, Joe." "Why couldn't we do it?" "Last year, when we worked in that gypsy tearoom, we wore gold earrings, didn't we?" "And you remember when you booked us with that Hawaiian band?" "Grass skirts!" "What's with him – he drinks?" "No." "And he ain't been eating so good, either." "He's got an empty stomach and it's gone with his head." "Joe – three weeks in Florida!" "We could borrow some clothes from the girls in the chorus –" "You've flipped your wig!" "Now you're talking!" "Now he is talking!" "We'll get a couple of second-hand wigs – a little padding here and there – we'll call ourselves Josephine and Geraldine –" "Josephine and Geraldine!" " Yeah!" " Come on!" "Look, if you boys want to pick up a little money tonight –At the University of Illinois they are having – you should excuse the expression – a St. Valentine's dance." "We'll take it!" " You got it." "It's six dollars a man." "Be on the campus in Urbana at eight o'clock –" "All the way to Urbana – for a one night stand?" "It's twelve dollars." "We can get one of the overcoats out of hock." "Hello, Mr. Morris?" "This is Poliakoff, in Chicago." "Say, you wouldn't have a couple of girl musicians available, would you?" "A sax player and a base?" "Look, if William Morris doesn't come through –Come on, Geraldine!" "It's a hundred miles." "It's snowing outside, and how are we going to get there?" "I'll think of something." " You think like what?" " Don't crowd me." "How did it go, girls?" "Oh, we ought to wring your neck." "Please, Jerry – that's no way to talk." "Nellie baby – what are you doing tonight?" "Tonight?" "Why?" "Because I got some plans –" "Not doing anything." " Really?" " I just thought I'd go home and have some cold pizza –" "And you'll be in all evening?" " Yes, Joe." " Good!" "Then you won't be needing your car." "My car?" "Why, you –" "Isn't he a bit of terrific?" "We could've had three weeks in Florida – all expenses paid." "Lying around in the sun – palm trees – frying fish..." "Knock it off, will you?" "Possible straight – possible nothing – and a pair of eights–" "All right, drop 'em, you guys!" "Drop what?" "We came for a car." "Oh, yeah?" " Yeah, Nellie Weinmeyer's car." "Musicians." " Wise guys!" "OK, let's go." "Aces bets." "It's a '25 Hupmobile coupe." "Green, sir." "It's over here." "Come over her." "Want some gas?" "Oh, yeah." "How about forty cents' worth, please?" "Put it on Miss Weinmeyer's bill?" "Why not?" "And while you're at it – fill 'er up." "All right, everybody hands up!" "Face the wall!" "You too, toothpick." "Come on!" "Come on." "Hey!" "Join us." "OK, boss." "Hello, Charlie." "Long time no see." "What is it, Spats?" "What do you want here?" "I just dropped in to pay my respects." "You don't owe me no nothing." " Oh, I wouldn't say that." "You were nice enough to recommend my mortuary to some of your friends..." "I don't know what you're talking about." "And now I got all those coffins on my hands – and I hate to see them go to waste." "Honest, Spats." "I had nothing to do with it." "Too bad, Charlie." "You would have had three eights." "Goodbye, Charlie!" "No, Spats – no, please, no, no –" "I think I'm gonna be sick." "All right – come on out of there." "Come on!" "Come ON!" "We didn't see anything – did we?" "No – nothing." " You see." "Besides, it's none of our business if you guys want to knock each other off, we don't " "Say, don't I know you two from somewhere?" "We're just a couple of musicians." "We come to pick up a car, Nellie Weinmeyer's car." "There's a dance tonight." "Come on, Jerry." "Wait a minute." "Where do you think you're going?" "To Urbana." "It's about a hundred miles, so don't ..." "You ain't going nowhere." "We're not?" " I don't like no witnesses." "We won't breathe a word." "You won't breathe nothing' – not even air." "Alright, boys, let's blow out of here." "We'll take care of those guys later." "I think they got me." " They got the bull-fiddle." "No blood?" " If those guys catch us, there'll be blood all over." "Type O." "Where are we running, Joe?" " As far away as possible." "That's not far enough." "You don't know those guys!" "But they know us." "Every hood in Chicago will be looking for us –" "Quick, give me a nickel." "What?" " A nickel." "You going to call the police?" " The police?" "We'd never live to testify." "Not against Spats Colombo." "Wabash 1098." "We got to get out of town." "Maybe we ought to grow beards." "We are going out of town." "But we're going to shave." "Shave?" "At a time like this?" "Those guys got machine guns." "They're going to blast our heads off, and you want to shave?" "Shave our legs, stupid." " Shave our legs?" "Hello?" "Mr. Poliakoff?" "I understand you're looking for a couple of girl musicians." "Florida Limited leaving on Track One for Washington, Charleston, Savannah, Jacksonville and Miami." "All aboard." "All aboard." "What's the matter now?" " How can they walk on these things?" "How do they keep their balance?" "Must be the way their weight is distributed." "Now, come on." "And it's so drafty." "They must be catching colds all the time." "Will you quit stalling." "We're gonna miss the train." "I feel so naked." "Like everybody's looking at me." "With those legs?" "Are you crazy?" "Now, come on." "It's no use." "We'll never get away with it, Joe" "The name is Josephine." "And it was your idea in the first place." "Look at that – look how she moves – it's like jello on springs." "They must have some sort of a built-in motor or something." "I tell you it's a whole different sex." "What are you afraid of?" "Nobody's asking you to have a baby." "This is just to get out of town." "The minute we hit Florida, we'll blow this set-up." "Joe, this time I'm not going to let you talk me into something that..." "Extra!" "Extra!" "Seven Slaughtered in North Side Garage!" "Fear Blood Aftermath!" "You talked me into it!" "Let's go, Josephine." "Attagirl, Geraldine." "Hi, Mary Lou – Rosella – Okay, Dolores, get a move on, will you – How's your back, Olga?" "BIENSTOCK:" "Clarinet – drums – trombone –trumpet" "Well, here we are." "You two from the Poliakoff Agency?" "Yes, we're the new girls." "Brand new." "This is our manager, Mr. Bienstock." " How do you do?" " I'm Sweet Sue." "My name is Josephine." "And I'm Daphne." "Saxophone, bass." "Am I glad to see you girls." "You saved our lives." "Likewise, I'm sure." "Where did you girls play before?" "Here and there – and around, and..." "We spent three years at the Sheboygan Conservatory of Music." "All aboard!" " You're in Berths 7 and 7A." "7 and 7A." " Thanks ever so." " You're welcome." "It's fully mutual." "Upsy-daisy." "Fresh!" "Looks like Poliakoff came through with a couple of real ladies." "You better tell the other girls to watch their language." "DAPHNE?" "I never did like the name Geraldine." "Hi!" "I'm the bass fiddle." "Just call me Daphne." " Hi!" "My name's Josephine." "Sax." " Hi!" "Welcome to No Man's Land." "You'll be sor-ry!" "Take your corsets off and spread out." "Oh, I never wear one myself." "Don't you bulge?" "Huh?" "Bulge?" "Me?" "I have the most divine little seamstress that comes in once a month, and my dear, she's so inexpensive –" "Come on, Daphne." " Oh, all right." "Say, kids, have you heard the one about the girl tuba player that was stranded on a desert island with a one-legged jockey?" "No, how does it go?" " Now cut that out, girls, none of that rough talk." "They went to a conservatory." "They went to a conservatory." "How about that talent?" "This is like falling into a tub of butter." "Watch it, Daphne!" "When I was a kid, Joe, I used to have a dream, I was locked up in this pastry shop overnight, with all kinds of goodies around." "There were jelly rolls and mocha eclairs and sponge cake and Boston cream pie and cherry tarts –" "Listen, stuped, no butter and no pastry." "We're on a diet!" "Oh, yeah, sure, Joe." "Not there!" "That's the emergency brake." "Now you've done it!" "Now you have done it!" "Done what?" "Tore off one of my chests." "You'd better go and get it fixed." " Well, you better come help me." "This way, Daphne." "Now you tore the other one." "We're terribly sorry." "That's Okey." "I was afraid it was Sweet Sue." "You won't tell anybody, will you?" "Tell what?" "If they catch me once more, they'll boot me out of the band." "You the replacement for the bass and the sax?" "That's us." "I'm Daphne, and this is Josephine." "I'm Sugar Cane." " Hi." "Sugar Cane?" " Yeah, I changed it." "It used to be Sugar Kowalczyk." "Polish?" "Yes." "I come from this musical family." "My mother is a piano teacher and my father was a conductor." "Where did he conduct?" "On the Baltimore and Ohio." "I play the ukulele." "And I sing too." "She sings, too." "I don't really have much of a voice, but then it's not much of a band, either." "I'm only with 'em because I'm running away." "Running away?" "From what?" "Don't get me started on that." "Hey, you want some?" "It's bourbon." "I'll take a rain check." "I don't want you to think that I'm a drinker." "I can stop any time I want to, only I don't want to." "Especially when I'm blue." "We understand." "All the girls drink, but I'm the one that gets caught." "That's the story of my life." "I always get the fuzzy end of the lollipop." "Are my seams straight?" "I'll say." "See you around, girls." "Bye, Sugar." "We had been playing with the wrong bands." "Down, Daphne!" "How about the shape of that liquor cabinet?" "Forget it." "One false move, and they'll toss us off the train – there'll be the police, and the papers, and the mob in Chicago..." "Boy, would I like to borrow a cup of that Sugar." "Look, no pastry, no butter, and no Sugar!" "You tore them again!" "Hey, Sheboygan, you two, what was your last job, playing square dances?" "No – funerals." "Would you mind rejoining the living?" "Goose it up a little." "We'll try." "How did those holes get there?" "Those." "I don't know .Mice?" "All right, girls, lets take it from the top." "And put a little heat under it." "RUNNIN' WILD, LOST CONTROL" "RUNNIN' WILD, MIGHTY BOLD" "FEELIN' GAY, RECKLESS, TOO" "CAREFREE MIND ALL THE TIME, NEVER BLUE" "ALWAYS GOIN', DON'T KNOW WHERE" "ALWAYS SHOWIN' I DON'T CARE" "DON'T LOVE NOBODY" "IT'S NOT WORTHWHILE" "ALL ALONE" "RUNNIN' WILD" "BIENSTOCK!" "Yes, Sue?" "What is it?" "I thought I made it perfectly clear I don't want any drinking in this outfit." "All right, girls." "Whose is this for?" "Come on, now." "Speak up." "Sugar, I warned you!" "Please, Mr. Bienstock..." "This is the last straw." "In Kansas City you were smuggling liquor in a shampoo bottle." "Before that I caught you with a pint in your ukulele –" "Pardon me, Mr. Bienstock, can I have my flask, please?" "Sure." " Pack your things, and the next station we come to – your flask?" "Uh-huh." "Just a little bourbon." "Must have slipped through." "Give me that!" "Didn't you girls say you went to a conservatory?" "Yes." "For a whole year." "I thought you said three years." "We got time off for good behavior." "There are two things I will not put up with during working hours." "One is liquor, and the other one is men." "Men?" "Oh, you don't have to worry about that." "We would be caught dead with men." "Those rough, hairy beasts with eight hands." "They all want just one thing from a girl." "I beg your pardon, miss." "All right, girls – from the top again." "Do you think I could use your cream?" " Yeah, I'll loan it to you." "Hortense, dear, good night." "Good night, Daphne." "Maude, sweet dreams and pleasant though." "Good night, Daphne." "Good night, Gloria." " Good night, Daphne." "Dolores, dear, you sleep tight, you hear?" "Nighty night, Emely." "Toodle-oo" "How about that toodle-oo?" "Steady, boy." "Just keep telling yourself you're a girl." "I'm a girl." " You're a girl" " I'm a girl." "I'm a girl –" "Get a load of that rhythm section." "I'm a girl." "I'm a girl." "I'm a girl." "Good night, Sugar." "Good night, honey." "Honey – she called me honey." "What are you doing?" "I just want to make sure that honey stays in the hive." "There'll be no buzzing around tonight." "But suppose I got to go – like for a drink of water or something?" "Fight it." "But suppose I lose?" "Suppose it's an emergency?" "Pull the emergency brake!" "Hey, Bienstock, you know, there's something funny about those two new girls." "Funny?" "In what way?" "I don't know – but I can feel it right here." "That's one good thing about ulcers – it's like a burglar alarm going off inside of you." "All right, Sue." "You watch your ulcers – I'll watch those two." "Okay." "Everybody settle down and go to bed." "Good night, girls." "Good night, Daphne." "Good night, Josephine." "I'm a girl – I'm a girl – I wish I were dead –I'm a girl – I'm a girl –" "Daphne..." "Daphne..." "Sugar!" "I wanted to thank you for covering for me." "You're a real pal." "It's nothing." "I just think us girls should stick together." "If it hadn't been for you, they would have kicked me off the train." "I'd be out there in the middle of nowhere, sitting on my ukulele." "Oh, it's freezing outside." "I mean, when I think about you and your poor ukulele." "If there's anything I can do for you –" "I can think of a million things." "And that's one of them." "Sssh." "Sweet Sue." "I don't want her to know we're in cahoots." "Oh, we won't tell anybody, not even Josephine." "Maybe, I'd better stay here till she goes back to sleep." "You stay as long as you'd like." "I'm not crowding you, am I?" "No." "It's nice and cozy." "When I was a little girl, on cold nights like this, I used to crawl into bed with my sister." "We'd cuddle up under the covers, and pretend we were lost in a dark cave, and were trying to find out way out." "Interesting." "Anything wrong?" "No, no." "Poor thing." "You poor thing, you're trembling all over." "That's ridiculous." "Your head is hot." "Ridiculous" "And you've got cold feet." "Isn't that ridiculous?" "Here, let me warm them a little." "There – isn't that better?" "I'm a girl, I'm a girl, I'm a girl –" "What did you say?" "I'm a very sick girl." "Maybe I'd better go before I catch something." "I'm not that sick." "I have a very low resistance." "Look, Sugar, if you feel you're coming down with something, my dear, the best thing is a shot of whiskey." "You got some?" "I know where to get it." "Don't move." "Hold on." "Okey" "Up!" "Up!" "Now." "Are you all right?" "I'm fine." "How's the bottle?" "Half-full." "You better get some cups." "Cups." "Oh, I tell you, my dear, this is the only way to travel." "You better put on the lights." "I can't see what I'm doing." "No – no lights." "We don't want anyone to know we're having a party." "But I may spill something." "So spill it." "Spills, thrills, laughs, and games, this may even turn out to be a surprise party." "What's the surprise?" "Uh-uh." "Not yet." "When?" "We better have a drink first." "That'll put hair on your chest." "No fair guessing." "This a private clambake, or can anybody join?" " Yes, it's private." "Please, go away." "Say, Dolores, you still got that bottle of vermouth?" "Sure." "Who needs vermouth?" "We've got bourbon, we can make Manhattans." "Okay." "Manhattans?" "At this time of night?" "And bring the cocktail shaker." "Oh, Sugar." "You're gonna spoil my surprise." "Hey, honey, what's up?" "Party in Upper 7." " A party!" "I got some cheese and crackers." " I'll get a cocktail shaker, you get a corkscrew." " OK!" "Hey, Rosella, there's a party in upper 7." " Yeah?" " You have a cockscrew?" " No, but Stella has." "... for corkscrew and paper cups." " OK." "Hey, there's a party in upper 7!" " A party in upper 7!" "A party!" "This is a private party, will you, please, go away?" " I brought some crackers and cheese." "Will ten cups be enough?" " A party for two, two, TWO!" "Please, girls, will you, please, stop this?" "Could you use some Southen comfort?" " The Southern comfort?" "Sh-sh-sh!" "Girls, you're gonna wake up the neighbours downstairs!" "Now JOSEPHINE WILL ..." "Watch that cockscrew!" "Here's a cracker!" " No crackers in bed!" "Will you, girls, go away and form your own party?" "Here's the cocktail shaker." "I wish we had some ice." "Hey, easy on the vermouth." "Thirteen girls in a berth, it's bad luck!" "Twelve of you will have to get out!" " Pass the peanut butter." "Anybody for salami?" "No more food!" "I'll have ants in the morning!" "Hey, have you got any maraschino cherries on you?" "Oh!" "Never mind." "Maraschino cherries?" "What's going on here?" "Daphne, Daphne, where are you?" "It's not my fault." "I didn't invite them." "Come on, girls, Break it up!" " You heard Josephine." "Girls, everybody out." "Everybody out!" "Not you, Sugar." " I'm just going to get some ice." "Get out!" "Get out!" "That's right, Sugar." "Now the rest of you." "Out!" "Aw, don't be a flat tire." " Have a Manhattan." "Ssh." "Pipe down." "We'll all be fired." "Sugar, don't you leave me here alone, Sugar." " Come on, kids." "Give up, will you?" "It's 2 o'clock." "The party's over." "Everybody go home." " What's this?" " Josephine, over here." "Before it melts." "Put it here." "Sugar, you're gonna get yourself into a lot of trouble." "Better keep a lookout." "If Bienstock catches you again, what's the matter with you, anyway?" "I'm not very bright, I guess." "I wouldn't say that." "Careless, maybe." "No, just dumb." "If I had any brains, I wouldn't be on this crummy train with this crummy girls' band." "Then why did you take this job?" "I used to sing with male bands." "But I can't afford it any more." "Have you ever been with a male band?" "Who?" "Me?" "That's what I'm running away from.I worked with six different ones in the last two years." "Oh, brother!" "Rough?" "I'll say." "You can't trust those guys." "I can't trust myself." "I have this thing about saxophone players." "Especially tenor sax." "Really?" " I don't know what it is, but they just curdle me." "All they have to do is play eight bars of "Come to Me My Melancholy Baby" , and my spine turns to custard, and I get goose-pimply all over, and I come to them." "That so?" " Every time!" "You know, I play tenor sax." "But you're a girl, thank goodness." "That's why I joined this band." "Safety first." "Anything to get away from those bums." "You don't know what they're like." "You fall for them and you love 'em, you think it's going to be the biggest thing since the Graf Zeppelin, and the next thing you know they're borrowing money from you and spending it on other dames and betting on the horses –" "You don't say?" "Then one morning you wake up the guy is gone and the saxophone is gone, and all that's left behind is a pair of old socks and a tube of toothpaste, all squeezed out." "So you pull yourself together you go on to the next job, the next saxophone player, and it's the same thing all over again." "You see what I mean?" " not very bright." "Brains aren't everything." "I can tell you one thing, it's not going to happen to me again." "Ever." "I'm tired of getting the fuzzy end of the lollipop." "Ice!" "What's keeping the ice?" "The natives are getting restless." "How about a couple of drinks for us?" " Sure!" "You know I'm going to be twenty-five in June?" " You are?" "That's a quarter of a century." "Makes a girl think." "About what?" "About the future." "You know, like a husband?" "That's why I'm glad we're going to Florida." "What's in Florida?" "Millionaires." "Flocks of them." "They all go south for the winter." "Like birds." "Oh, you're gonna catch yourself a rich bird?" "Oh, I don't care how rich he is, as long as he has a yacht and his own private railroad car and his own toothpaste." "You're entitled." "Maybe you'll meet one too, Josephine." "Yeah." "With money like Rockefeller, and shoulders like Johnny Weismuller." "I want mine to wear glasses." "Glasses?" "Men who wear glasses are so much more gentle and sweet and helpless." "Haven't you ever noticed it?" "Well, now that you've mentioned it" "They get those weak eyes from reading, you know, those long tiny columns in the Wall Street Journal." "That bass fiddle!" "She sure does know how to throw a party!" "Hot diggity dog!" "Well, happy days." "I hope this time you wind up with the sweet end of the lollipop." "– so the one-legged jockey said –" "What did he say?" "So, the one-legged jockey said – 'Don't worry about me, baby." "I ride side-saddle.'" "Hey, oh, s-s-s-sh." "Terribly sorry, I think I make a ..." "Hey, let's rub some ice on her neck!" "Oh, don't do that!" "Cut it out, girls." "Stop it." "Joe – Josephine – help!" "What's happened?" " Search me." "I mean – I'll see." "All right!" "What's going on around here?" "BIENSTOCK!" "Are we in Florida?" "" DOWN AMONG THE SHELTERING PALMS "" "" OH, HONEY, WAIT FOR ME "" "" DON'T BE FORGETTIN' WE GOT A DATE "" "" OUT WHERE THE SUN GOES DOWN ABOUT EIGHT "" "" HOW MY LOVE IS BURNING, BURNING, BURNING "" "" HOW MY HEART IS YEARNING, YEARNING, YEARNING "" "" TO BE DOWN AMONG THE SHELTERING PALMS "" "" OH, HONEY, WAIT FOR ME "" "Sugar, yeah, I'll carry the instruments." "Oh, thank you, Daphne." " Oh, thank you, Daphne." "Isn't she a sweetheart?" "How do you do?" "Zowie!" "Well, there they are - more millionaires than you can shake a stick at." "I'll bet there isn't one of them under seventy-five." "Seventy-five." "That's three-quarters of a century." "Makes a girl think." "Yeah, I hope they brought their grandsons along." "Yes, let's." "Oh, pardon me, miss." "May I?" " Help yourself." "I am Osgood Fielding the Third." "I am Cinderella the Second." "If there is one thing I admire, it's a girl with a shapely ankle." "Me too." "Bye-bye." "Let me carry one of the instruments." " Oh, thank you." "Aren't you a sweetheart?" "It certainly is delightful having some young blood around here." "Personally, I'm Type O." "You know, I've always been fascinated by show business." "Oh, is it so?" " Yes." "As a matter of fact, It's cost my family quite a bit of money." "Oh, you invest in shows?" "Showgirls." "I've been married seven or eight times." "You're not sure?" "Mama is keeping score." "Frankly, she's getting rather annoyed with me." "Wouldn't wonder." "So this year, when George White's Scandals opened, she packed me off toFlorida." "Right now she thinks I'mout there on my yacht – deep-sea fishing." "Well, pull in your reel, Mr. Fielding." "You're barking up the wrong fish." "If I promise not to be a naughty boy, how about dinner tonight?" "I'm sorry." "I'll be on the bandstand." "Oh, of course, which of these instruments do you play?" "Bull fiddle." "Fascinating." "Do you use a bow or do you just pluck it?" "Most of the time I slap it." "You must be quite a girl." "Wanna bet?" "My last wife was an acrobatic dancer, you know, sort of a contortionist." "She could smoke a cigarette while holding it between her toes." "Zowie!" "But Mama broke it up." "Why?" "She doesn't approve of girls who smoke." "Bye-bye, Mr. Fielding." "Bye-bye?" " This is where I get off." "Oh, no!" "No, no, no." "You don't get off that easy." "All right, driver." "Once around the park." "Slowly." "And keep your eyes on the road." "What kind of girl do you think I am, Mr. Fielding?" "Please." "It won't happen again." " I'll say!" "Oh, please, come back, miss, please!" " I'll walk, thank you!" "Zowie!" "All right, girls – here are your room assignments." "My glasses – where are my glasses?" "Olga and Mary Lou in 412 – and Mary Lou, keep your kimono buttoned when you ring for room service, Josephine and Daphne in 413 – Dolores and Sugar in 414..." "Me and Sugar?" "What did you expect - the one-legged jockey?" "Rosella and Emily Room 415" "I wish they'd put us in the same room." "So do I. But don't worry about it, Sugar, we'll see a lot of each other." "414!" "That's the same room number I had in Cincinnati – my last time around with a male band." "What a heel he was." "Saxophone player?" "What else?" "And was I ever crazy about him." "Two in the morning, he sent me down for hotdogs and potato salad, they were out of potato salad, so I brought coleslaw, so he threw it right in my face." "Forget it, Sugar?" "Forget saxophone players." "You're going to meet a millionaire, a young one." "What makes you so sure?" "My feminine intuition." "Are these your bags?" "Yes." "And that one, too." "Okay, doll." "I suppose you want a tip?" "Forget it, doll." "After all, you work here, I work here, and believe you me, it's nice to have you with the organization." "Bye-bye." "Listen, doll, what time do you get off tonight?" "Why?" "I'm working the night shift, and I got a bottle of gin stashed away, and as soon as there's a lull..." "Don't you think you're a little too young for that, sonny?" "Wanna see my driver's license?" "Get lost, will you?" "That's the way I like 'em – big and sassy." "And get rid of your roommate." "Why, that dirty old man!" "What happened?" " I just got pinched in the elevator." "Well, now you know how the other half lives." "Look!" "I'm not even pretty." "They don't care, just as long as you wear skirts." "It's like waving a red flat in front of a bull." "Really, well, I'm tired of being a flag." "I want to be a bull again." "Now, what would you say, lets get out of here and let's blow." "Blow where?" "You promised me, Joe, that the minute we hit Florida, we were going to beat it." "How can we?" "We're broke." "We could find another band." "A male band." "Right now Spats Colombo with his chums are looking for us in every male band in the country." "But this is so humiliating." " So you got pinched in the elevator." "So what?" "Would you rather be picking lead out of your navel?" "All right, all right!" "But how long do you think we can we keep this up?" "What's the beef?" "We're sitting pretty." "Look, we get room and board, we're getting paid every week, Look, look at the palm trees, the flying fish..." "What are you giving me with the flying fish?" "I know why you want to stay here, you're after Sugar." "Me?" "After Sugar?" "I saw the both of you on the bus, lovey-dovey, and whispering and giggling and borrowing each other's lipstick..." "I saw you!" " What are you talking about?" "Me and Sugar?" " You and Sugar!" " We're just like sisters." "Well, I'm your fairy godmother, and I'm going to keep an eye on you." "Are you decent?" "Come in." "You girls have seen a brown bag with a white stripe and my initials?" "A what?" "My suitcase, with all my resort clothes." "No, we haven't." "Can't understand it." "First my glasses disappear, then one of my suitcases." "Where's my ukulele?" "... now a ukulele?" "There must be a sneak thief around here." "Here you are, Sugar." "A bunch of us girls are going for a swim." "You want to come along?" "A swim!" "Oh, you betcha." "Wait a minute, Daphne." "You haven't got a bathing suit." "She doesn't need one." "I don't have one either." "That's it!" "She doesn't have one either." "You don't?" "We can rent some at the bathhouse." "How about you, Josephine?" "No, thanks." "I think, I'd stay in and soak in a hot tub." "On a day like this it's lovelier!" "Yeah, let her soak." "Come on." "Don't get burned, Daphne." "Oh, I've got suntan lotion." "There!" "She'll rub it on me, and I'll rub it on her, and we'll rub it on each other, bye-bye." "" BY THE SEA, BY THE SEA "" "" BY THE BEAUTIFUL SEA "" "" YOU AND ME, YOU AND ME "" "" OH, HOW HAPPY WE'LL BE "" "" I LOVE TO BE BESIDE, BESIDE, BESIDE THE SEA "" "" BESIDE THE SEASIDE, BY THE BEAUTIFUL SEA """ "Daphne!" "Cut that out!" "What do you think you're doing?" "Just a little trick I picked up in the elevator." "Oooh." "Look out!" "Here comes a big one." "Daphne, I had no idea you're such a big girl." "Sugar, you should have seen me before I went on a diet." "I mean, your shoulders, and your arms..." "Well, that's from carrying around the bull fiddle around all day." "But there's one thing I envy you for." "What's that?" "You're so flat-chested." "Clothes hang so much better on you than they do on me." "Watch out, Daphne!" "Sugar, come on, let's play ball." "OK." "Let's go, Junior." "Time for your nap." "Nah." "I wanna play." "You heard your mudder, Junior." "Scram." "This beach ain't big enough for both of us." "Get out of here." "Mummy!" "Mummy!" "Here we go!" "I LIKE COFFEE, I LIKE TEA." "HOW MANY BOYS ARE STUCK ON ME?" "1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7..." "Oh, I'm terribly sorry." " My fault." " You're not hurt, are you?" "I don't think so." "I wish you'd make sure." "Why?" "Because usually, when people find out who I am, they get themselves a wheel chair and a shyster lawyer, and sue me for three quarters of a million dollars." "Don't worry." "I won't sue you, no matter who you are." "Thank you." "Who are you?" "Now, really ..." "Sugar!" "Come on!" "Honestly." "Cheerio." "Haven't I seen you somewhere before?" "Not very likely." "You're staying at the hotel?" "Not at all." "Your face is familiar." "Possible you've seen it in a newspaper or magazine, Vanity Fair..." "That must be it." "Would you mind moving just a little, please?" "You're blocking my view." "Your view?" "Of what?" "They run up a red-and-white flag on the yacht when it's time for cocktail." "You own a yacht?" "Which one is it, the big one?" "Certainly not, with all that unrest in the world, I don't think anybody should have a yacht that sleeps more than twelve." "I quite agree." "Tell me, who runs up that flag, your wife?" "No, my flag steward." "Who mixes the cocktails, your wife?" "No, my cocktail steward." "Look, if you're interested in whether I'm married or not ..." "Oh, I'm not interested at all." "Well, I'm not." "That's very interesting." "How's the stock market?" "Up, up, up." "I'll bet just while we were talking, you made like a hundred thousand dollars." "Could be." "Are you play the market?" "No, the ukulele." "And I sing, too." "For your own amusement?" "A bunch of us, girls, are appearing at the hotel." "Sweet Sue and Her Society Syncopators." "Oh, you're society girls?" "Oh, yes." "Quite." "You know, Bryn Mawr, Vassar, we're just doing this for a lark." "Syncopators, then, does that mean you play that fast music. jazz?" "Yeah." "Real hot." "Oh." "Well, I guess some like it hot." "But personally, I prefer classical music." "Oh, I do, too." "As a matter of fact, I spent three years at the Sheboygan Conservatory of Music." "Good school!" "And your family doesn't object to your career?" "They do indeed." "Daddy threatened to cut me off without a cent, but I don't care." "It was such a bore, you know, coming-out parties  Inauguration balls   opening of the Opera ... – ... riding to hounds  and always the same Four Hundred." "You know, it's amazing we never ran into each other before." "I'm sure I would have remembered anybody as attractive as you are." "You're very kind." "I'll bet you're also very gentle, and helpless..." "I beg your pardon?" "You see, I have this theory about men with glasses." "What theory?" "I'll tell you when I get to know you better." "What are you doing tonight?" "Tonight?" "I thought maybe you could come to the hotel and hear us play." "I'd like to, but it may be rather difficult." "Why?" "I only come ashore twice a day, when the tide goes out." "Oh?" "It's on the account of the shells." "That's my hobby." "You collect shells?" "Yes." "So did my father and my grandfather, you might say we've all had this passion for shells." "Tthat's why we named the oil company after it." "Shell Oil?" "Please, no names." "Just call me Junior." "Sugar!" "Sugar!" "Come on, dear, it's time to change for dinner." "Run along, Daphne, I'll catch up with you later." "OK." "No!" "What is it, young lady?" "What are you staring at?" "This happens to me all the time in public." "I recognized him, too, his picture was in Vanity Fair." "Vanity Fair?" "Would you mind moving along, please?" "Yes, you're in the way." "He's waiting for a signal from his yacht." "His yacht?" "It sleeps twelve." "This is my friend Daphne." "She's a Vassar girl." "I'm a what?" "Or was it Bryn Mawr?" "I heard a very sad story about a girl who went to Bryn Mawr." "She squealed on her roommate, and they found her strangled with her own brassiere." "Yes, we have to be very careful whom we pick for a roommate." "Well, I think I'd better be going." "It's been delightful meeting you both." "Well, you will come to hear us play?" "If it's at all possible." "Oh, do come." "Don't disappoint us." "It'll be such fun." "And bring your yacht." "Come on, Daphne." "How about that guy?" "Now look, Daphne, hands off, I saw him first." "Sugar, let me give you little advice to you." "If I were a girl, and I am, I'd watch my step." "If I had watched my step, I would never have met him." "I can't wait to tell Josephine." "Yeah, Josephine." "I can't wait to see her face, well, she'll be surprised." "Neither can I. Lets run up to her room and tell her, right now." "We don't have to run." "Oh, yes, we do!" "JOSEPHINE, YOO-HOO!" "I guess she's not in here." "That's funny." "Josie, I can't imagine where she can be." "Well, I'll come back later." "Oh, no, you wait." "I have a feeling she'll show up any minute." "Believe it or not, Josephine predicted the whole thing." "Yeah." "This is one for Ripley." "Do you suppose she went out shopping?" "Shopping!" "That's it!" "Something tells me she's going to come through that door in a brand new outfit." "" RUNNING WILD "" "" LOST CONTROL "" "" RUNNING WILD "" "" MIGHTY BOLD "" "" TA TA TA DEE DEE DEE "" "" CAREFREE MIND ALL THE TIME ..."" "JOSEPHINE!" "Oh, I didn't hear you come in." "" ALWAYS GOING, DON'T KNOW WHERE "" "" ALWAYS SHOWING I DON'T CARE... "" "Have a good time, girls?" "Oh, Josephine!" "The most wonderful thing happened!" "What?" "Guess." "They repealed Prohibition?" "Oh, come now, you can do better than that." "I met one of them." "One of whom?" "Shell Oil, Junior." "He's got millions, he's got glasses, and he's got a yacht." "You don't say!" "He's not only got a yacht, he's got a bicycle." "Daphne." "Go on, tell me all about him." "Well, he's young and he's handsome and a bachelor, and he's a real gentleman, you know, not one of these grabbers." "Maybe you'd better go after him, if you don't want to lose him." "Oh, I'm not going to let this one get away." "He's so cute, collects shells." "Shells?" "Whatever for?" "Oh, you know, the old shell game." "Daphne, you're bothering us." "Anyway, you're going to meet him tonight." "I am?" "He said he's gonna come to hear us play, maybe." "What do you mean, maybe?" "I saw the way he looked at you." "He'll be there for sure." "I hope so." "What do you think, Josephine?" "What does it say in your crystal ball?" "Sugar!" "Is Sugar in here?" " Yes." "Sugar, you got the key?" "I'm locked out and I'm making a puddle in the hall." "See you on the bandstand, girls." "What are you trying to do to that poor girl?" "Putting on that millionaire act." "And where did you get that phony accent." "Nobody talks like that!" "I've seen you pull some low tricks on women, this is without doubt the trickiest, lowest and meanest..." "I'm not afraid of you" "I am thin, but I'm wiry." "You'll get hurt, because when I'm aroused, I'm a tiger!" "Why, Joe!" "Don't look at me like that, when it was all a joke, when I didn't mean any harm." "I'm gonna press the suit myself." "Telephone!" "Answer the tele...phone." "Hello..." "Hello, yes, this is 413." "Ship-to-shore?" "All right, I'll take it." "Hello, Daphne?" "It's that naughty boy again, you know, Osgood, in the elevator, you slapped my face?" "Who is this?" "This is her roommate." "Daphne can't talk right now." "Is it anything urgent?" "Well, it is to me." "Will you give her a message?" "Tell her I'd like her to have a little supper with me on my yacht after the show tonight." "Got it." "Supper, yacht, after the show, I'll tell her." "Your yacht?" "The New Caledonia." "That's the name of it." "The Old Caledonia went down during a wild party off Cape Hatteras." "But tell her not to worry, this is going to be a quiet little midnight snack, just the two of us." "Just the two of you?" "What about the crew?" "Oh, that's all taken care of." "I'm giving them shore leave." "We'll have a little cold pheasant, and champagne, and I checked with the Coast Guard, there'll be a full moon tonight, oh, and tell her I got a new batch of Rudy Vallee records." "That's good thinking." "Daphne's a push-over for him." "Push-over for whom?" "What is it?" "Who's on the phone?" "Yes, Mr. Fielding, you'll pick her up after the show in your motorboat, goodbye, ...what's that you said?" "Oh, zowie!" "I'll give her the message." "What message?" "What motorboat?" "You got it made, kid." "Fielding wants you to have a little cold pheasant with him on his yacht." "Oh, he does!" "Just the three of you on that great big boat, you and him and Rudy Vallee." "Well, fat chance!" "Call him right back and tell him I'm not going." "Well, of course, you're not." "I'm going." "You're going to be on the boat with that dirty old man?" "No." "I'm going to be on that boat with Sugar." "And where's he going to be?" "He's going to be ashore with you." "With ME?" "That's right." "Oh, no!" "Not tonight, Josephine!" "" I WANT TO BE LOVED BY YOU "" "" JUST YOU, NOBODY ELSE BUT YOU "" "" I WANT TO BE LOVED BY YOU "" "" ALONE, BOOP-BOOP-EE-DOO "" "" I WANT TO BE KISSED BY YOU "" "" JUST YOU, NOBODY ELSE BUT YOU "" "" I WANT TO BE KISSED BY YOU "" "" ALONE "" "" I COULDN'T ASPIRE "" "" TO ANYTHING HIGHER "" "" THAN TO FILL THE DESIRE "" "" TO MAKE YOU MY OWN "" "" BA-DUM BA-DUM, BA-DOO-DA-LEE-DUM " POO!" "" I WANT TO BE LOVED BY YOU "" "" JUST YOU, NOBODY ELSE BUT YOU "" "" I WANT TO BE LOVED BY YOU "" "" ALONE "" "Daphne, your boy friend is waving at you." "You can both go take a flying jump." "Remember, he's your date for tonight." "So smile." "Oh, you can do better than that." "Give him teeth, the whole personality." "Why do I let you talk me into these things?" "Why?" "Because we're pals, buddies, the two musketeers." "Don't give me the musketeers!" "How'm I going to keep the guy ashore?" "Tell him you get seasick on a yacht." "Play miniature golf with him." "Oh, no." "I'm not getting caught in a miniature sand trap with that guy." "Hi!" "Which of you dolls is Daphne?" "Bull fiddle." "It's from Satchel Mouth at Table Seven." "This is from me to you, doll." "Beat it, Buster." "Never mind leaving your door open, I got a passkey." "" I COULDN'T ASPIRE "" "What are you doing with my flowers?" "Just borrowing them." "You'll get them back tomorrow." "" THAN TO FILL THE DESIRE TO MAKE YOU MY OWN, BA-DUM BA-DUM, BA-DOO-DA-LEE-DUM " POO!" "" I WANT TO BE LOVED BY YOU "" "" JUST YOU, NOBODY ELSE BUT YOU "" "" I WANT TO BE LOVED BY YOU "" ""BA-DEEDLIE-DEEDLIE DEEDLIE-DUM BOOP-BOOP-EE-DOOP"" "I guess he's not going to show up, it's give minutes to one, you suppose he forgot?" "Well, you know how those millionaires are." "These came for you." "For me?" "It's Shell Oil." "No!" " Yes!" "He wants me to have supper with him, on his yacht, he's going to pick me up at the pier." "No!" " Yes!" "You heard her, yes." "Oh, Josephine, just imagine, me, Sugar Kowalczyk, from Sandusky, Ohio, on a millionaire's yacht." "If my mother could only see me now." "I hope my mother never finds out." "All right!" "That's it for tonight, folks." "This is Sweet Sue, saying good night, reminding all you daddies out there, that every girl in my band is a virtuoso, and I intend to keep it that way!" "Good luck." " Thanks." "But it's such a waste, a full moon, an empty yacht." "I'll throw up!" "Then, let's go dancing?" "There's a little road-house, down the coast, we could..." "Well, I'll be!" "He does have a bicycle." "Who?" "About that roadhouse," "They have a Cuban band that's the berries." "Let's go there, blindfold the orchestra, and tango till dawn?" "You know something, Mr. Fielding?" "What?" "You're dynamite!" "You're a pretty hot little firecracker yourself." "Ahoy there!" "Ahoy!" "Been waiting long?" "It's not how long you're waiting, it's who you're waiting for." "Thank you." "And thank you for the flowers." "I wanted them to fly down some orchids from my greenhouse but unfortunately all of Long Island is fogged in." "It's the thought that counts." "I seem to be out of gas." "It's sort of funny, you being out of gas, I mean, Shell Oil and everything." "Uh... it seems to be stuck in reverse." "Uh..." "I just got this motorboat." "It's an experimental model." "It seems like they're on the wrong track." "You mind riding backwards?" "It may take a little longer." "It's not how long it takes." "It's who's taking you." "Yes." "It looked so small from the beach." "But when you're on it, it's more like" "It's just regulation size." "We have three like this." "Three?" "Mother keeps hers in Southampton, Dad took his to Venezuela, the company is laying a new pipe line." "My dad is more interested in railroads." "Baltimore and Ohio." "Which is the port and which is the starboard?" "Well, that depends, on whether you're coming or going, I mean, normally the aft is on the other side of the stern,   and that's the bridge, so that you can get from one side of the boat to the other, would you like a glass of champagne?" "Love it." "Which way?" "Oh!" "You have an upstairs and a downstairs!" "Yes." "That's the hurricane cellar." "Another nice thing about this yacht - lots of closet space!" "Now, let me see, where do you suppose the steward set it up?" "In here." "Oh, yes, of course!" "How silly of me!" "On Thursdays, they always serve me in the small salon." "It's exquisite, like a floating mansion." "It's all right for a bachelor." "What a beautiful fish!" "I caught him off cape Hatteras." "What is it?" "It's a member of the herring family." "A herring?" "Isn't it amazing how they get those big fish into those little glass jars?" "They shrink when they're marinated." "Champagne?" "I don't mind if I do." "Well, down the hatch,as we say at sea." "Bon voyage." "Look at all that silverware!" "Trophies, you know, skeet-shooting, dog-breeding, water polo." "Water polo?" "Isn't that terribly dangerous?" "I'll say." "I had two ponies drowned under me." "Where's your shell collection?" "Yes, of course, now, where could they have put it?" "You see, on Thursdays I'm sort of lost around here." "What's on Thursdays?" "It's the crew's night off." "You mean, we're alone on the boat?" "Completely." "You know, I've never been completely alone with a man before in the middle of the night, in the middle of the ocean." "Oh, it's perfectly safe." "We're well anchored, the ship is in shipshape, and the Coast Guard promised to call me if there are any icebergs around." "It's not the icebergs." "But there are certain men who would try to take advantage of a situation like this." "You're flattering me." "Well, of course, I'm sure you're a gentleman." "Oh, it's not that." "It's just that I'm, harmless." "Harmless, how?" "Well, I don't know how to put it, but I have this thing about girls." "What thing?" "They just sort of leave me cold." "You mean, like frigid?" "It's more like a mental block." "When I'm with girls, it does nothing to me." "Have you tried?" "Have I?" "I'm trying all the time." "See?" "Nothing." "Nothing at all?" "Complete washout." "That makes me feel just awful." "Oh, it's not your fault." "It's just that every now and then Mother Nature throws somebody a dirty curve." "Something goes wrong inside." "You mean you can't fall in love?" "Not anymore." "I was in love once, but I'd rather not talk about it." "Would you like a little cold pheasant?" "What happened?" "I don't want to bore you." "Oh, you couldn't possibly." "Well, it was my first year at Princeton,  there was this girl, her name was Nellie, her father was vice-president of Hupmobile, she wore glasses, too." "That summer we spent our vacation at the Grand Canyon, we were standing on the highest ledge, watching the sunset, when suddenly we got that impulse to kiss, ..." "I took off my glasses, she took off her glasses, I took a step toward her, she took a step toward me ..." "Oh, no!" "Yes." "Eight hours later they brought her up by mule, I gave her three transfusions, we had the same blood type, Type O. But it was too late." "Talk about sad." "Ever since then, numb, no feelings." "Like my heart was shot full of Novocain." "You poor, poor boy." "Yes, all the money in the world, and what good is it?" "Mint sauce or cranberries?" "How can you think about food at a time like this?" "What else is there for me?" "Is it that hopeless?" "My family did everything they could, hired the most beautiful French upstairs maids, got a special tutor to read me all the books that were banned in Boston,   imported a whole troupe of Balinese dancers, you know, with bells on their ankles and those long fingernails, what a waste of money!" "Have you ever tried American girls?" "Why?" "Was that anything?" "Thanks just the same." "You should see a doctor,a good doctor." "I have." "I spent six months in Vienna with Professor Freud, flat on my back." "Then there were the Mayo Brothers, and injections and hypnosis and mineral baths, if I wasn't such a coward, I'd kill myself." "Don't say that!" "There must be some girl someplace that could..." "If I ever found a girl that could, I'd marry her like that." "Would you do me a favor?" "Certainly, what is it?" "I may not be Dr. Freud or a Mayo Brother or one of those French upstairs girls, but could I take another crack at it?" "All right, if you insist." "Anything this time?" "I'm afraid not." "Terribly sorry." "Would you like some more champagne?" "Maybe if we had some music, how do you dim these lights?" "Look, it's terribly sweet of you to want to help out, but it's no use." "I think the light switch is over there,   that's the radio." "It's like taking somebody to a concert when he's tone deaf." "You're not giving yourself a chance." "Don't fight it." "Relax." "Like smoking without inhaling." "So inhale!" "Daphne..." "Huh?" "You're leading again." "Sorry." "Well?" "I'm not quite sure." "Would you try it again?" "I got a funny sensation in my toes, like somebody was barbecuing them over a slow flame." "Lets throw another log on the fire." "I think you're on the right track." "I must be, because your glasses are beginning to steam up." "I never knew it could be like this." "Thank you." "They told me I was caputt, finished, washed up, and now you're making a chump out of all those experts." "Mineral baths, now really!" "Where did you learn to kiss like that?" "I used to sell kisses for the Milk Fund." "Tomorrow, remind me to send a check for a hundred thousand dollars to the Milk Fund." "Good night." "Good morning." "How much do I owe the Milk Fund so far?" "Eight hundred and fifty thousand dollars." "Let's make it an even million." "I forgot to give you your receipt." "Hi, Jerry." "Everything under control?" "Have I got things to tell you!" "What happened?" "I'm engaged." "Congratulations." "Who's the lucky girl?" "I am." "What?" "Osgood proposed to me." "We're planning a June wedding." "What are you talking about?" "You can't marry Osgood." "You think he's too old for me?" "Jerry!" "You can't be serious!" "Why not?" "He keeps marrying girls all the time!" "But you're not a girl." "You're a guy!" "And why would a guy want to marry a guy?" "Security." "Jerry, you'd better lie down." "You're not well." "Look, stop treating me like a child." "I'm not stupid." "I know there's a problem." "I'll say there is!" "His mother, we need her approval." "But I'm not worried, because I don't smoke." "Jerry, there's another problem." "Like what are you going to do on your honeymoon?" "We've been discussing that." "He wants to go to the Riviera, but I kinda lean toward Niagara Falls." "Jerry, you're out of your mind!" "How can you get away with this?" "I don't expect it to last, Joe." "I'll tell him the truth when the time comes." "Like when?" "Like right after the ceremony." "Then we'll get a quick annulment, he'll make a nice settlement on me, I'll have those alimony checks coming in every month." "Jerry, listen to me, there are laws, conventions, it's just not being done!" "But Joe, this may be my last chance to marry a millionaire!" "Jerry, will you take my advice, forget the whole thing, will you?" "Just keep telling yourself you're a boy!" "You're a boy." "I'm a boy." "That's the boy." "I'm a boy, I'm a boy, I'm a boy, I wish I were dead." "I'm a boy, oh, boy, I'm a boy." "Now, what am I going to do about my engagement present?" "What engagement present?" "Osgood gave me a bracelet." "Hey, these are real diamonds." "Of course, they are real!" "What you think my fiance is a bum?" "I guess I'll have to give it back to him." "Wait a minute, Jerry, let's not be hasty." "After all, we don't want to hurt Osgood's feelings, do we." "Just a minute." "It's me, Sugar." "Come in." "I thought I heard voices, and I just had to talk to somebody." "I don't feel like going to sleep." "I know what you need, a slug of bourbon." "Oh, no." "I'm off that stuff, for good." "Did you have a nice time?" "Nice?" "It was suicidally beautiful." "Did he get fresh?" "Of course not." "As a matter of fact, it was just the other way around." "You see he needs help." "What for?" "And talk about elegant, you should see the yacht, candlelight, mint sauce and cranberries." "Gee, I wish I'd been there." "I'm going to see him again tonight, and every night, I think he's going to propose to me, as soon as he gets up his nerve." "That's some nerve!" "Daphne got a proposal tonight." "Really?" "From a RICH millionaire." "That's wonderful." "Poor Josephine." "Me?" "Daphne has a beau, I have a beau, if we could only find somebody for you." "Here I am, doll!" "Hey!" "Friends of Eye-talian Opera, that's us!" "Register over there." "Spats Colombo, delegate from Chicago, South Side chapter." "Thanks." "Hi, Spats." "We was laying eight to one you wouldn't show." "Why wouldn't I?" "We thought you was all broken up about Toothpick Charlie." "Well, we all got to go sometime." "Yeah." "You never know who's going to be next." "Okay, Spats." "Report to the Sergeant-at-Arms." "What for?" "Orders from Little Bonaparte." "All right, Spats, get your hands up." "What's the idea?" "Little Bonaparte don't want no hardware around." "All right, you're clean." "You're not." "It ain't loaded." "Next." "What's in here?" "My golf clubs, putter, niblick, number three iron." "What's this?" " My mashie." "See you at the banquet, Spats." "Where did you pick up that cheap trick?" "Come on, boys." "Well, Spats Columbo if I ever saw one." "Hello, copper." "What brings you down to Florida?" "I heard you opera-lovers were having a little rally, so I thought I better be around in case anybody decides to sing." "Big joke." "Say, Maestro, where were you at three o'clock on St. Valentine's Day?" "Me?" "I was at Rigoletto." "What's his first name?" "And where does he live?" "That's an opera, you ignoramus." "Where did they play it, in a garage on Clark Street?" "Clark Street?" "Never heard of it." "Ever hear of the deluxe French Cleaners on Wabash Avenue?" "Why?" "Because the day after the shooting you sent in a pair of spats, they had blood on them." "I cut myself shaving." "You shave with your spats on?" "I sleep with my spats on." "Quit kidding." "You did that vulcanizing job on Toothpick Charlie, and we know it." "You and who else?" "Me and those two witnesses whom your lawyers have been looking for all over Chicago." "Boys, you know anything about any garage, or any witnesses?" "Us?" "We was with you at Rigoletto's." "Honest." "Don't worry, Spats." "One of these days we're gonna dig up those two guys." "That's what you'll have to do, dig 'em up!" "I feel like such a tramp." "... taking jewelry from a man under false pretenses." "Get it while you're young." "And you better fix your lips." "You want to look nice for Osgood, don't you?" "It's just going to break his heart when he finds out I can't marry him." "So?" "It's going to break Sugar's heart when she finds out I'm not a millionaire." "That's life." "You can't make an omelette without breaking an egg." "What are you giving me with the omelette?" "Nag, nag, nag." "Look, we got a yacht, we got a bracelet, you got Osgood, I've got Sugar, we're really cooking." "Joe." "What?" "Something tells me the omelette is about to hit the fan." "Come on, Daphne." "Going up." " Hold it." "Three, please." "I don't mean to be forward, but ain't I had the pleasure of meeting you two broads before?" "Oh, no!" " You must be thinking of two other broads." "You ever been in Chicago?" "Us?" "We wouldn't be caught dead in Chicago." "Third floor." "What floor are you on, sweetie.?" "Never you mind." "Room 413, we'll be in touch." "Oh, don't call us, we'll call you." "I tell you, Joe, they're on to us." "They're going to line us up against the wall and and then the cops are going to find two dead dames, and they're going to take us to the ladies' morgue, and when they undress us, I tell you, Joe, I'm just going to die of shame." "Shut up and keep packing." "Yeah, okay, Joe." "Not that, you idiot." "But they're from Osgood." "He wanted me to wear them tonight." "I tell you, I'll never find another man who's so good to me." "Joe, if we get out of this hotel alive, you know what we're going to do?" "We're going to sell the bracelet, and we gonna take the money, and grab a boat to South America and hide out in one of those banana republics..." "Becuase I figure is, if we eat nothing but bananas, we can live there for fifty years, maybe a hundred years, that is, if we get out of the hotel alive." "Did we forget anything?" "There's the shaving stuff, and there's also Sugar." "Sugar?" "Get me Room 414." "Wait a minute, what are you doing?" "Making a telephone call." "Telephone call?" "Who's got time for telephone call?" "We can't just walk out on her without saying goodbye." "Since when?" "You usually leave 'em with nothing but a kick in the teeth." "That's when I was a saxophone player." "Now I'm a millionaire." "Well, mail her a postcard." "Those gorillas may be up here any minute!" "Hello, Room 414?" "This is the ship-to-shore operator." "Ship-to-shore." "Hey, Sugar, it's for you, from the yacht." "Hello." "Hello, my dearest darling." "So good to hear your voice again." "I may throw up." "No, I didn't sleep too well, darling." "To tell the truth, I never closed an eye." "I never slept better." "I had the most wonderful dream." "I was still on the yacht, and the anchor broke loose,   we drifted for days and days, you were the captain and I was the crew, I kept a lookout for icebergs, and I sorted your shells, and mixed your cocktails, and I wiped the steam off your glasses  and when I woke up, I wanted to swim right back to you." "Yes." "Now about our date for tonight..." "I'll meet you on the pier again, right after the show." "I'm afraid not." "I can't make it tonight." "Not tomorrow, either." "You see, I have to leave, something unexpected came up, I'm sailing right away." "Where to?" "South America?" "Oh." "That is unexpected." "You see, we have those oil interests in Venezuela, I just got a cable from Dad, the board of directors decided on a merger." "A merger?" "How long will you be gone?" "Quite a while." "As a matter of fact, I'm not coming back at all." "You're not?" "It's all rather complicated, what we call high finance, it so happens that the president of the Venezuelan syndicate has a daughter, and ..." "Oh, that kind of a merger." "What is she like?" "According to our tax advisers, she's only so-so." "But, that's the way the oil gushes." "You know, a man in my position has a certain responsibility to the stockholders, all those little people who invest their life savings." "Oh, of course." "I understand." "At least, I think I do." "I knew you would." "I only wish there were something ..." "I could do for you." "But you have." "You've given me all that inside information, first thing tomorrow I'm going to call my broker and have him buy fifty thousand shares of Venezuelan oil." "Smart move." "... by the way, did you get my flowers?" "You know, those orchids from my greenhouse,   the fog finally lifted over Long Island, and they flew them down this morning." "That's strange, I sent them to your room, ... they should have been delivered by now..." "Hey, Dolores, will you see if there are any flowers outside?" "Yes, they're here." "Oh, white orchids." "Would you believe it, I haven't had white orchids since I was a debutante." "What's this?" "What's what?" "Oh, that. just a little going away present." "Real diamonds." "They must be worth their weight in gold." "Are you always this generous?" "Not always." "But I want you to know I'm very grateful for what you did for me." "I didn't do anything." "It just happened." "Oh." "The navigator just came in, we're ready to cast off." "Well, anchors aweigh, you have a bon voyage." "If you need an orchestra to play at your wedding, we'll be through here in a couple of weeks." "Goodbye, my darling." "I don't know about the captain, but the navigator is getting his tail out of here." "Yeah, lets shove off." "Wait a minute, my bracelet." "What happened to my bracelet?" "What do you mean, your bracelet?" "It's our bracelet." "All right." "What happened to our bracelet?" "Don't worry." "We did the right thing with it." "What did we do?" "Joe, you're not pulling one of your old tricks." "No tricks, no mirrors, nothing up my sleeve." "It's on the level this time." "You..." "Where's that bourbon?" "What's the matter, Sugar?" "I don't know." "All of a sudden, I'm thirsty." "How did you get that bracelet?" "You like it?" "I always did." "Junior gave it to me." "He's going to South America to marry another girl, that's what he call high finance." "That's what I call a louse!" "Sugar, if I were you, I would take that bracelet and throw it right back in his face." "Daphne." "He was the first nice guy I ever met in my life, and the only one who ever gave me anything." "You'll forget him, Sugar." "How can I?" "No matter where I go, there'll always be a Shell station on the corner." "I'll bring this back when it's empty." "Are you crazy or something?" "The place is crawling with mobsters, gangrene is setting in, and you're making like Diamond Jim Brady!" "How are we going to get out of here?" "How are we going to eat?" "We'll walk." "And if we have to, we'll starve." "There you go with that WE again." "Not that way." "We don't want to run into Spats and his chums." "Your hands clean?" "Okay." "Button my spats." "You sure dress nice, boss." "Say, boss, I been talking to some of the other delegates, and the word is that Little Bonaparte is real sore about what happened to Toothpick Charlie." "Him and Charlie, they used to be choir boys together." "Stop, or I'll burst out crying." "He even got Charlie's last toothpick, the one from the garage, and had it gold-plated." "Like I was telling you, Little Bonaparte is getting soft." "He doesn't have it here any more." "Used to be like a rock." "That's too bad." "I think it's about time for him to retire." "Second the motion." "How are we going to retire him?" "Oh, we'll think of something cute." "One of these days, Little Bonaparte and Toothpick Charlie will be singing in the same choir again." "But this time, we'll make sure there are no witnesses." "Look, it's the two broads from the elevator." "Hey, join us!" "What's the matter with those dames?" "Maybe those dames ain't dames!" "Same faces, same instruments." "...and here's your Valentine's card." "Two musicians from the garage!" "They wouldn't be caught dead in Chicago, so we'll finish the job here." "Come on." "All right." "So what do we do now?" "First thing we gonna do is to get out of these clothes." "Yoo-hoo!" "What happened?" "Me and Tiny, we had them cornered, but we lost 'em in the shuffle." "Where were you guys?" "We was with you at Rigoletto's." "Why, you stupid idiots..." "That's all right, boss, we'll get 'em after the banquet." "They can't be too far away." "Thank you." "Thank you, fellow opera-lovers." "It's been ten years since I elected myself president of this organization,   and if I say so myself, you made the right choice." "Let's look at the record." "In the last fiscal year, we made $112 million before taxes,   only we ain't paid no taxes." "Of course, like in every business, we had our little misunderstandings." "Let us now rise and observe one minute of silence in memory of seven members from Chicago northside chapter who are unable to be here on account of being rubbed out." "You, too, Spats." "Up!" "Easy now." "You know when you come out?" "Yeah." "The second time they sing, "For he's a jolly good fellow Which nobody can deny"." "OK." "And don't mess up the cake, I promised to bring back a piece to my kids." "Now, fellow delegates, there comes a time in the life of every business executive when he starts to think about retirement." "No!" "NO!" "NO!" "I'm looking around for somebody to fill my shoes, I've been considering several candidates." "For instance, there is a certain party from Chicago, South Side Chapter." "Now some people say he's gotten a little too big for his spats  but I say he's a man who'll go far." "Some people say he's gone too far but I say you can't keep a good man down." "Of course, he still has a lot to learn." "That big noise he made on St. Valentine's Day, that wasn't very good for public relations." "And letting those two witnesses get away, that sure was careless." "Don't worry about those two guys, they're as good as dead, I almost caught up with them today." "You mean you let them get away twice?" "Some people would say that was real sloppy but I say to err is human, to forgive divine." "And you, Spats, the boys told me you was having a birthday, so we baked you a little cake." "My birthday?" "It ain't for another four months." "So we're a little early." "So what's a few months between friends?" "All right, boys, now all together..." "For he's a jolly good fellow...." "Big joke." "Let's get out of here." "Get those two guys!" "What happened here?" "There was something in that cake that didn't agree with them." "My compliments to the chef." "And nobody leaves this room till I get the recipe!" "You want to make a Federal case out of it?" "Yeah!" "They slipped right through our hands." "Don't worry." "We got our guys watching the railroad station, the roads, the airport, they can't get away." "Did you hear that?" "Yeah, but they're not watching yachts." "Come on, you're going to call Osgood." "What'll I tell him?" "Tell him you're going to elope with him." "Elope?" "But there are laws, conventions." "There's a convention, all right." "There's also the ladies' morgue." ""I'm through with love." "I'll never fall again"" ""Said adieu to love." "Don't ever call again"" ""For I must have you or no one"" ""And so I'm through with love"" ""I've locked my heart." "I'll keep my feelings there"" ""I've stocked my heart with icy frigid air"" ""And I mean to care for no one"" ""Because I'm through with love"" ""Why did you lead me to think you could care?"" ""You didn't need me, you had your share"" ""... of slaves around you to hound you and swear"" ""with deep emotion, devotion to you"" ""Good-bye to spring and all it meant to me"" ""It can never bring the thing that used to be"" ""For I must have you or no one"" ""and so I'm through with love"" ""and so I'm through with, baby, I'm through with love"" "Josephine!" "Bienstock!" "Hey, that's no dame." "None of that, Sugar." "No guy is worth it." "Grab that broad!" "Josephine?" "It's all settled!" "Osgood is meeting us on the pier." "We're not on the pier yet!" "Hi!" "My friend Josephine, going to be my bridesmaid." "Well, pleased to meet you." "Come on!" "She's so eager!" "Wait for Sugar!" "Another bridesmaid?" "Flower girl." "Sugar!" "What do you think you're doing?" "I told you, I'm not very bright." "Let's go!" "You don't want me, Sugar, I'm a liar and a phony, a saxophone player, one of those no-goodnicks you've been running away from" "I know." "Every time!" "Sugar, do yourself a favor, go back where the millionaires are, the sweet end of the lollipop, not the cole slaw in the face and the old socks and the squeezed-out tube of toothpaste." "That's right, pour it on." "Talk me out of it." "I called Mama, she was so happy she cried, she wants you to have her wedding gown, it's white lace." "Osgood, I can't get married in your mother's dress." "She and I, we're not built the same way." "We can have it altered." "Oh, no you don't!" "Osgood, I'm going to level with you." "We can't get married at all." "Why not?" "Well." "...in the first place, I'm not a natural blonde." "It doesn't matter." "I smoke." "I smoke all the time." "I don't care." "I have a terrible past." "For three years now, I've been living with a saxophone player." "I forgive you." "I can never have children." "We can adopt some." "Well, you don't understand, Osgood!" "I'm a MAN!" "Well, nobody's perfect."