"It's been six months and six days since my Harold died, which means it's been six months and five days since I had sex." "What can I say?" "Lucky for me, he died with an erection." "Now, I know in my heart of hearts no one could replace him." "He was like no other." "He was the best husband I ever had." "But the new Gigi needs a new man, someone sophisticated, someone classy." "Like a male version of Hugh Grant." "So, I signed up for speed dating, which is like regular dating except sped up." "So, I guess they get right down to the sex." "I signed up Ricky, as well, 'cause that poor thing could at least use an over-the-pant hand job." "♪ la la la la la la ♪" "♪ la la la la la ♪" "♪" "♪ la la la la la la ♪" "♪ la la la la la ♪" "♪" "(Woman) Tonight, you're gonna meet lovely people." "We're gonna have a nice icebreaker." "There's some refreshments for you all to kinda loosen up." "But, before that, I want to give you some ground rules on how speed dating works." " So, you will" " There's so many handsome men here." "Yeah, there are certainly some handsome men here." " Yeah." " This one over my shoulder, let me tell ya somethin'." "I'd eat him alive." "Yeah, he's very handsome." "He's a very handsome young man." " But, the one" " There's also some very handsome women, too." "The one directly behind us-- don't look." "Don't look." "Don't look." "He looks like a creep." "(Woman) You'll fill it out." "We'll see what happens afterwards." "Are there any questions?" "Okay, let's get the dating started." "Are you guys ready?" "(Cheers and applause)" "Let's do it." "(Screaming)" "(Indistinct chatter)" " Hello, what's his new" " Hey." " What is your name?" " I'm Kale." " What?" " Kale." " Kale?" " Yeah, like the food." " Like the lettuce?" " Yeah." "Very nice to meet you." "You, too." "So, how ya doin'?" "So, you havin' fun?" "(Gigi) Anal." "I've never had it, but I love the idea of it." "Why don't you try it?" "I'm worried it might break me." "You can try it with a dildo." "I had a dildo once, and I used it to beat my children." "Put your finger right there." " Put my finger here?" " Yeah." "'Cause I don't" "That's how you start letting someone in, by a touch." " You have cold hands." " Yeah, it's a bit chilly." "Yeah, my mom had very cold fingers, but she was dead inside." " You're very intimidating." " No, come on." " Yeah, you-you are." " No, look, with this smile?" "That's not gonna-- No, that's not" "Those are not your teeth, sir." "That's true." "These are not my teeth either." " Oh, that's" " They come right out." " Oh, wow, that's a" " Yeah, and you come right in." "Ahh." "(Chuckles)" " So, what do you do?" " I'm a writer." " A writer?" " Yeah." "I write, too." "Do you really?" "What do you write?" "Cat plays." "Oh." "So, are they-they plays about cats" " or plays starring cats?" " With-- starring cats." "Yeah." " Really?" " Yeah." "I'm allergic to cats." " ♪ I think you're sweet ♪" " Okay." "♪ I love your hair ♪" " Oh, you do have a beautiful voice." " Thank you." " ♪ Your shirt is beautiful ♪" " Thanks." "♪ I love the patternnnnn-nnnnn ♪" "Your cat is 25 pounds?" "Yeah, he's a hefty fella." "Do you have any animals?" "Yeah, I-I-I don't have any pets, but I-I like dogs." "Yeah, I guess dogs are okay." "Describe your penis in one word." "Huge." "Awesome." "Beautiful." " Beautiful penis?" " Yes." "♪ Beautiful penis ♪" "All right, time's up." "Fellas, write in "Yes" or "No"" "with your dater and then rotate to the next table." "(Indistinct chatter)" " Hi." " Hi." "Uh, Ricky." "Hi, Ricky." "Sarah." " Nice to meet you, Sarah." " Nice-nice to meet you." " (Clears throat)" " Well, what do you do?" "I'm, uh, a veterinarian." "So, yeah." "You're like the best kind of doctor, 'cause I think animals are a lot better than humans." " Yeah, absolutely." " Yeah." " Specifically cats." " Cats." " You know, you remind me of my father." " Really?" "Is that-is that in a good way or a bad way?" " In a great way." " Really?" "Why?" "I mean, you know, it'll be a little weird if we have sexual relations." "Oh." " (Laughs)" " You understand?" "Okay." "If you were going to be on a desert island, and you could only take one spice, what would it be?" "Easy." " Cumin." " Cumin." "Yeah." "Well, I like to say cumin because I like going," ""What spice is at the door?" "Cumin."" "(Laughter)" "Oh, that just makes me laugh as a cumin being." "(Laughter)" " So, you've had men?" " Yes." " And you like it?" " Yes." "I'm not gay, but I like men." "Well, having sex with a man." "Not a man." " Yeah, no, I believe you." " I'm not attracted to men." "Oh, I totally believe you, 100%." "Your eyes are, um, they're like, uh, Bambi." " Oh." " They're like B" " Uh, you have big" " They're really big." " But, like" "They're like the Hubble telescope." " (Laughter) (Woman)" " Alrigh time's up." " Rotate to the next table." " Oh." "Uh, well, it was a pleasure to meet you, Sarah." "Lovely to meet you, Ricky." "(Chuckles)" " Thank you." " Yeah." "Oh, here, why don't-- why don't I just, um, give you my number now?" "(Chuckles)" "Uh, you want me to call you?" " Um" " I don't wanna bother you." "You won't bother me." "Um, I'd love if you'd call, and maybe we could do dinner tomorrow night?" "Call me." " I, uh, I will." " Okay." "Nice to meet you, Ricky." "(Chuckles)" "Nice to meet you, Sarah." "(Chuckles)" "♪" "Hey." "Hi." "I have, like, a sore on my tongue." "I wonder if it's from shaking one of these creep's hands." "I met someone." "What?" "I met a girl tonight." "You-you-you m-- you met-- you met a-a girl-- a girl?" "Yeah, and I know it's really quick, but I-I might be, like, in love." "Be careful, Ricky." "I'm telling ya." "Women will fleece ya." "Can't you just be happy for me?" "Like, I'm-I'm really happy, right now." "This is the first time I've ever made a connection with somebody." "Okay, so, you got a girl's number." "Good for you." "Whoop-dee-do." " Congratulations." " Thank you." "Now, I don't need one of these crazy creepies." "Tomorrow night, you and I, we're going to the fanciest restaurant in Boca." "I'll pay for your meal." "We'll have-- we'll drink to our hearts content." " I can't." " Why not?" "I have a date with Sarah tomorrow, probably." "So, what happens to me?" "Oh, sad old Gigi, she goes home and cries herself to sleep." "No." "You know what I'm gonna do tomorrow?" "I'm gonna try crack." " Don't" " I'm gonna try crack." " I'm gonna start crack." " Don't put that on me." "I'm gonna find somebody who has crack and smoke it." "That-that's not" "I'm not forcing you to do crack." "If you do crack, that is on your own watch." "I'm not responsible for you, and I don't wanna be on a" "Tomorrow night, I'm doing crack." "I don't wanna be on a date thinking about you doing crack somewhere." "(Gargling)" "Oh!" "Zah-zah-zah-zah-zah-zah- zah-zah-zah-zah-zah." "That's me on crack." "Zah-zah-zah-zah- zah-zah-zah." "Hey, hey, hey, I'm itchy." "I'm itchy." "That's me tomorrow night." "Please let me have this one night, okay?" "For my happiness." "Fine." " Go on your date." " Great." "Enjoy yourself." "I think I will." "Oh, have just the best time you've ever had." " Guess what I'm gonna do." " What?" "I'm also gonna go out on a date with the very best person I know." " Who?" " Me." " You know, if I was" " Fuck you." "(Telephone ringing)" "♪" "(Ricky on answering machine) Hey, you've reached Ricky." " Uh, leave me a message." " (Answer machine beeping)" "Hello, Ricky, good morning." "It's me, your employer, Gigi Rotblum." "Uh, you happen to be about 15 minutes late." "You got me a little worried." "Uh, listen, I know you have a big date tonight, but get over here." "Okay, I have all kinds of problems." "This morning, I woke up." "One of my teeth came right out of my mouth." "I don't know why I'm losing teeth like an old dog." "They're just droppin' right out." "I kept it." "It's in the jar." "You know, the jar where I keep my, uh, my feminine products." "Are you-- are you here-- are you there?" "Hello?" "I bet you're standing there whacking off to my message." "To the sound of my voice." "You're filthy." "Stop touching your schmuck and get over here." "(Beep)" "I am over the moon with excitement for my big date tonight." "(Chuckles)" "I'm gonna eat like no one's watching and fart like no one's smelling." "(Laughing)" "I don't need anyone to have a wonderful night on the town." "♪" "Hello, I have a reservation under the name Rotblum." " For one?" " For one." "Best seat in the house, please." "Thank you." " Right this way." " You know, did I" "Was it you that I spoke to on the phone when I made the reservation?" "Um, no." "Yeah, whoever I spoke to was very nasty 'cause I couldn't hear what she was saying, and she was very short with me." " Well, I am so, so, so sorry." " Yeah." " Please enjoy your meal." " Thank you very much." "♪" "(Ricky) Just stop me if you've heard this one, but, uh, where did the pedophile train stop?" "Oh, I don't know." "Where?" "At the mo-le-station." "(Laughter)" "Oh..." "Your-your smile could-could stop wars." "(Laughter)" "I would just love to rip that off your face and send it to the Middle East" " and be like, "Hey, listen up."" " Aww." ""Her smile is here."" " Aww." " (Sighs)" "♪" "Ooh." "So, what's new, Gigi?" "Hmm?" "Tell me." "What's new?" "Nothin' much." "Same as ushe." "You know, I go to the-- I go to the park." "Yeah, I-I try to get out myself every once in a while." "Oh, yeah, where do you go?" "Oh, I just go down" "I walk down the steps to the parking lot at the condo." "I look around." "And if there's no action, I just" "Uh, sorry to interrupt your conversation here, but, uh, are you eating sans companion this evening?" "Uh, yes." "(Leonard) Wow." "Dinner for one." "(Laughter)" "Yeah, yeah." "Well, me, too." " Me, too." " It's a little embarrassing." "No, I've been coming here every Saturday night with my-- well, with my wife when she was alive, and I still come back." " That's-that's wonderful." " My name is Leonard." " Leonard?" "(Leonard)" " Mm-hmm." "Hi, how are" "Ooh, you have a very strong hand-hand" "Uh, you have a very strong handsh-shake." " Oh." " My name is, um..." "Hello?" "Whoo." "My name is, uh, uh, uh, Gigi." "Gigi, Gigi." "Gigi is my-- is my name." "Yes." "Do you mind if I join you for dinner?" "Please sit." "Please sit." "Yeah, of course." "Oh, you can have access to the access." "(Laughter)" "You know, I-I promised myself this evening when I came here that I would talk, finally, to a real person." "Oh, well, I'm all real, as real as they come." "(Chuckles)" "You know, Ricky, I feel like we should just go somewhere." "You know, go-go somewhere really romantic." "Somewhere we've never been before." "Like the Pentagon." "(Chuckles)" "Do you think we could get away?" "I don't think so." "I-I have a boss, Gigi." "I'm at her call at all times, and I just don't think I'd ever be able" " to get the time off." " Oh." "Her husband recently passed and left her with just disgusting amount of money, uh, for one human to have." "How much money, would you say?" " Uh, how much money?" " Would you-- did-- was Gigi left from her husband?" "Oh, yeah, uh, I don't know." "Ballpark, it was, like, 6.2 somethin' million dollars." " And that's in dollars?" " Yeah, USD." "Yeah." "You know, like" "How old is Gigi?" " Seventy-six." " Hmm." "Yeah, so" "So, not a lotta time to spend that money." " No, I guess not." " Yeah." " You know, who needs $6.2 million?" " Yeah, yeah." "What would you do with that kind of money?" "Gosh, yeah, what would" "What would you do with that kinda money?" "I would spend it on you." "♪" "Hmm." " Oh, oh, thank you." " Thank you very much." "It was-- it was wonderful." "My wife, may she rest in peace, was a schoolteacher, middle school." "She taught environmental sciences," " and, um, the little bastards destroyed her." " Hmm." "You know, pubescent pre-teens" " are despicable human beings." " Oh, believe me." "I know." "I know." "I had three of my own." " Three?" " Three of my own, yes." "And the youngest, Arthur, the exhibitionist," " he would show me his erection..." " Oh." "...every Saturday morning, like clockwork." "And I would say to him," ""What the hell's the matter with you?" "I'm your mother." "Put that away."" "Sounds freaky." "Yeah, totally." " Oh." " Yeah." "Cheers." "Toast to loneliness, and, um, all of its pain, desperation that it causes, and perseverance that it creates." "Huh?" "That's good." "Yeah, to empty beds and empty hearts." "Yeah, to whores." "I'm sorry?" "To whores." "I always end all of my toasts, you know, cheering to whores." "(Laughter) I like that." "To whores." "To whores." "To whores." "To whores, everyone." "♪ la la la la la ♪" "I hope you enjoyed your dinner." " Oh, okay." " I'll get it." "No." " Don't you dare!" " Don't be silly." " Hey, what are you doing?" " No, here's" " No, no, no, no, no." " You leave it." " I have my own." " Leave it down there." " Don't you dare." " Leave it down there." " That's crazy." " Big gold-gold." " Leonard." " Leonard." " (Chuckles)" " Oh, but, uh" " Thank you very much." " Thank you." " Shoo-shoo-shoo." " You shouldn't a done that." " That's all right." "You know, we coulda split it." "Let's have sex in the alleyway behind the restaurant." "What?" "When?" "Now-- right now." "Public sex is thrilling." "You know, it's the possibility of being seen, being caught." "Ahh." "Uh, Leonard" "(Chuckles)" "Th-th-this is all moving a bit too fast." "No." "Look, I talk a big game, but I-I'm slightly more conservative than I make myself out to be." "D-don't get me wrong." "Once you penetrate me, my vagina's built-in locking mechanism will activate, and you will come buckets." "Oh, uh, that's" "But, before we get to the part where I eat your ass out right side up" "Yeah." "I'd really like to get to know you better." "Uh-huh." "Why did I just buy all this food, and those drinks, and" " Well, Leonard, I-I-I offered to pay." " Shtup me." "Shtup me, now." "Gigi, shtup me." "Leonard!" "(Gasping)" "(Crying)" "♪" "(Ricky)" " Thank you." "(Sarah)" " Oh, thanks." "I love French fries." "You know, is that a-- Do you have a tattoo?" "Mmm." "Yeah, have you not seen it yet?" "No." "♪" "It's pretty, isn't it?" "That's, um" "You have a" "Some people call it a symbol of purity." "Um, it can mean cleansing." "Um, I love it." "You know, Ricky, I really don't want this to ever end." "I want this to keep going, and there's-- there's a way to make that happen." "Listen up, Charlie Brown." "Listen good." "You steal the old Jew's money, okay?" "Deplete her entire bank account." "You and I leave the US before she realizes." "You go to a small South Pacific island." "We cultivate cocaine." "We sell it offshore." "You and I have endless sex replete with lots of orgasms." "You get me?" "Do you want another fry?" "♪" "I'll have a glass of Chardonnay." "Thank you." "Thank you for meeting me." "Yeah, no problem." "I could use another drink." "It's been a rough night." "You know, I thought she was the one." "(Chuckles) So stupid." "(Gigi) Well, I'm sorry it didn't work out." "What was the deal breaker?" "(Chuckles)" "Well, it-it-it turns out it wa-wasn't even her." "It was me." "I'm not ready for an adult relationship." "It's Peter Pan syndrome or" "Maybe I'm just not meant for a woman." "I've been saying that all along." "(Laughing)" "I'm not gay." "(Sighs)" "How was your night?" "Oh, not much to talk about." "(Gigi) Turns out, uh, I don't put out, so I didn't get any action." "You gotta earn this pussy." "I'm sorry, but you have to earn this pussy." "(Sighs)" "I never mourned him." "You know, not properly." "Who?" "Harold?" "No, Omar Sharif." "Yes, Harold." "I never mourned his death." "Uh, you know, the money blinded me, and my life just began moving so fast." "(Ricky) Yeah." "Well, maybe that's what he wanted." "You know, he probably didn't even want you to mourn for very long." "He probably wanted you to just-- just be happy." "(Scoffs)" "Hey, hey, hey, look at this shit." "(Ricky) Can you believe?" "(Laughing)" "(Scoffs)" "(Indistinct chatter)" "♪ let's Marvin Gaye and get it on ♪" "♪ you got the healing that I want ♪" " No." " No." "No." "Come on." "What's wrong with you?" "(Gigi) So, jumping into the dating world has taught me a valuable lesson." "A nice pair of bubbles and a lotta money does not guarantee love." "True companionship takes genuine effort and time." "But, for those of us in our golden years, we don't have a lotta time to waste." "Hi, how are you?" "(Gigi) So, I'm gonna stop wasting my precious time looking for Mr. Right." "Why?" "Because I found Mrs. Right, right here." "Oh, Mitt Romney, you're so handsome." "You know that?" "Oh, Ronald Reagan." "Oh, your hair was always perfect." "Oh, Walter Mondale." "Oh, how sweet you were, Walter." "(Gigi) Think about it." "Who makes me laugh the most?" "Me." " Who makes me happiest?" " Me." "Who makes me feel like the most bad-ass" "Jewish grandma that ever lived?" "Me." "So, you wanna know what I want outta life?" "The answer is simple." "(Panting)" "Me, myself, and $6.2 million, baby." "(Laughs) Now, fuck off." "Myself wants to have sex with me, and I wanna watch." "(Snoring)"