"Assalamu alaikum, dad." " Wa alaikum assalam, beautiful." " Gearing up for New Year's Eve?" "I don't do anything New Year's Eve." "It's easy to gear up." "What's that?" "It's a cheque for a million dollars." "Usually when people say that, they're a little more upbeat." "I wrote it to myself 5 years ago and it's dated for tomorrow." "It's a promise to myself that by now I have a yacht, a powerboat, jet ski." "You know we live in the prairies, right?" "I was also going to buy myself a lake." "I just thought I would be further ahead by now." "Aw dad, I am going to write you a cheque for a million hugs." "Hug's better be a foreign currency I've never heard of." "You know what would cheer you up?" "A party." "Amaar, what are you doing tonight?" "Do you want to come to New Year's Eve party?" "New Year's Eve isn't really a big Islamic holiday." "OK, not a New Year's Eve party, just a... dinner party that happens to take place on New Year's..." " Eve." " Interesting distinction." "Oh come on." "There's nothing in Islam that forbids socializing on the last day of December." "Actually, in Islamic calendar, there is no last day of December." "There you go." "It would be like it never happened." "Do I have to bring anything?" " Oh." "No." " Oh." "Okay then." "Because you're not really invited." "Oh, well." "The more the merrier right?" "Ah, I don't think it works that way with Baber, but..." " I'm free New Year's Eve." " Oh." "Would you like to come?" " Oh." "Have to check my calendar." " You just said you are free." "Oh right." "I'm no good at playing coy." "Okay, so it's a party then." "Do you feel better dad?" "Well, as long as each person brings $333,000... we should be set." "Season 2 Episode 10 Five Year Plan" "Hey Sarah, thanks for the invite." "Oh, that's so nice of you, but..." " You know we don't drink?" " I know." "Do you have an opener?" "What is a catamaran?" "It's a type of water craft." "The point is, I'm depressed." "Look, it's natural at this time of the year to look back, take stock." "Realized that you're a miserable failure." "I would not get into the greeting card business if I were you." "The point is, I had a five-year plan." "And my five-year plan backfired." "Sweetie, no one can predict what's going to happen in five years." "It's true." "Five years ago tonight," "I would not have believed that I would have become imam of Mercy mosque." " I still choose not to believe it." " I love you too, Baber." "So what were you doing five years ago, Amaar?" "Believe it or not, I was still living at home." "What's wrong with living at home?" "Nothing." "Um, it's just that I was living under my parent's thumb." "Their giant, meddling thumb." " So, what time you're coming home tonight?" " I'm not." "I'm going to the New Year's Eve benefit with a bunch of guys from the firm." "Networking." "He's a lawyer now." "He has to get ahead." "What does he need to network for?" "You own the firm." "That's true." "Do what your mother says." " Mom, I have to go to..." " PB, you're coming home." "Wait." "What does PB stand for?" " What?" "You said she called you PB?" "Oh, it's just a pet name I had when I was a kid." "It stood for..." "Pretty boy." "But I was an adult by then." "They didn't call me that." "PB, you're coming home tonight." "Oh leave PB alone." "PB is an adult." "PB can do what PB wants to do." "Pass the eggs, PB." "You are coming home." " We have a surprise." " Don't tell him that." " It'll ruin the surprise." " What surprise?" "It doesn't ruin the surprise if he doesn't know what the surprise is." "Yes, but now he's expecting a surprise." "That's not a surprise." " What's not a surprise?" " Never mind, it's a surprise." " Were you a good lawyer, PB?" " Please don't call me that." "And yes, I was." "But even as I kept up with the fast pace world of law, somehow I knew I was on the wrong path." "Amaar." "Amaar." "Amaar." "Oh, Hey." "Anita." "Are you alright?" "So are you going to benefit tonight?" "I heard the prime minister's going to be there." "Ah." "I don't think I can make it." "Aw come on." "Sure I can't talk you into it?" "Well... may be." "Hey, get away from my legal assistant." "Good morning, Ali." "So you're going to the benefit tonight?" " I had a table." " You're sitting with the prime minister." "We... are sitting with the prime minister." "Awesome." "Prime minister, huh?" "Yeah." "You go to one G8 summit with the guy, and now he always wants to hang." "Yeah, I've got the same problem." "Except instead of prime minister, it's my dad." "And instead of G8, it's Cosco." "Poor Amaar, poor poor Amaar." " You know, Ali, just once I'd like to..." " Be half the ladies man that I am?" "I was going to say:" ""punch you in the kidney", but..." "Yeah." "By the time I got home, I've forgotten all about the..." "Surprise!" " What's this?" " New Year's Eve party." "Or does the sign give it away?" "No." "I mean I wasn't expecting quite anything like this." "Well, yes." "Normally we watch deClap with your cousins." "But this year we thought we do something different." " Different is good." " You bet." "Wait a minute." "They are all women?" " Pretty much." " Phew!" "It was something." "That's not what happened!" "?" "Well, your story is boring." "I'm just trying to spice it up." "There were 15 women there." "And me." "At first it was great." "I was the centre of attention." "But pretty soon, I started feeling less like the guest of honour, and more like the main course." "Excuse me." "Mom, what's with all these women doing here?" "Um." "You noticed the women." "Noticed?" "I feel like a chew toy in a dog show." "Did one bite you?" "Grrr..." "Choose carefully." "One will be your bride." "That's funny, I thought you said bride." "but obviously you meant girl with whom I have polite conversation." "First you pass the bar, and then you get married." "No point dilly dallying, you know." "Oh." "I like dilly dallying." "Let's dilly dally." "These girls come from good families." "Proper backgrounds." "This was not easy for me to arrange." " I found the banner." " And your father found the banner." " I'm not arguing with the banner." " Thank you." "I'm just saying, I'm not ready to jump..." " Relax." "Mingle." "Yeah." "It's not like we're asking you to pick a bride tonight." "Remember your favourites." "We'll choose one tomorrow." "First law, now marriage." "It was time to stand up to my mom." "Which I did't have the guts to do, so I went with plan B." "Excuse me." " Ali." " Hey, guess what?" "They got a magician performing, and me and the prime minister are going to assist." "What's the trick?" "I don't know." "The thing with a snake and a bunch of baby mice?" "Are you sure the mice aren't just the food for the snake?" "Nah." "No." "The pri..." "Yah..." "Yes." "Snake food." "Ugh." "Anyway, blow it off." "I have got something better." "Sorry mom." "Looks like it's not going to work out." "Well played." "PB." "But you can't run forever." "God." "I wish I were young again." "You see, it makes thing better." "So you dodged the bullet?" "Not really." "The next morning mom just picked a girl and we were engaged for a year." "Pass the corn." "You were engaged?" "Pass the corn." "You should be thankful you were not me that night." "I'm thankful I'm not you pretty much every night." "Am I allowed to tell the story too, or not?" "Okay, what happened to you, Baber?" "Yes, yes." "Calm down everyone." "I will tell you." "I was five years ago." "I've just moved to Mercy." "Muslim!" "Huh?" "I guess I can talk about Muslim on my show." "I just don't know what angle to take, you know, I mean, I ya, am I for ya or against you." "Hello, everyone." "I am Baber." "Ugh!" "I've made my decision." "Sorry." "Don't worry about him." "Are you the man who ordered the take-out?" "Yes." "I was told a good Muslim sister run this diner." " I'm Baber." " I'm the good Muslim sister." "Chicken korma and nan." "Yummy." "My wife would love it." "You and your wife are new to town?" "I was separated." "She lives in Vancouver." "Perhaps I should double-bag the food." "No, no, no." "She's coming to visit this evening." " Inshallah, she wants me back." " I'll say a prayer for you." "By the way, does this town has a mosque?" "That is a good idea." "And when we get one, the imam should be you." "Not some fancy Pansy lawyer from Toronto." " Well, I..." " No, it's true." "A liberal, beard-less iman from Toronto would be a disaster." "Baber, we get it." "Move along." "That's the way I remembered it." "Huh." "Anyway." "I wanted everything to be just right for Samina's arrival." "So I ordered furniture for my new home." "What do you mean, I ordered patio furniture?" "I ordered by the numbers." "P258, P342." "How's was I supposed to know that 'P' stands for patio?" "I don't know," "Pleasing, pleasant?" "I can't decipher your codes!" "Oh, huh." "Subhanallah, she's here." "Ah..." "Samina!" "Still not wearing the hijab?" "You still have not let it go." "Oh." "Let me ask you this." " Who is this man?" " OK, calm down, Baber." "Oh." "How lovely." "Hello Baber." "Thank you for doing so much work for my arrival." "Meet the man who is here to replace you." "Oh." "And did I tell you that he is a young, handsome, non-Muslim infidel?" "Baber, this is my cab driver." "I didn't have any cash." "I see." "Sorry for calling you handsome." "Huh." "Well, wonderful start." "And that..." "Is why I hate snow-tires." "You were supposed to be telling us about dinner with your ex-wife." "New Year's Eve, five years ago?" "Ah, yes, yes." "Huh." "Very stressful." "Oh, Baber!" "If the alimony's too steep, we, we can discuss it." "I just moved in two weeks ago." "There's a mixed up with the delivery company." "OK." "Relax." "I believe you." "Seriously though, Baber, we can arrange something." "Did you come here to talk about the alimony?" "No, no." "Of course not." "Oh, but I'm hungry." "Can we eat?" "Oh yeah." "Sit, sit, sit." "I'll bring it out." "May be we can take the umbrella down." "Huh." "Ah." "Such a lovely evening in here." "You still have not lost your sense of humour." "Oh, how I miss your jokes, and your jives, and, your machete, cut me to the bone." "Cake for dinner?" "Of all the food groups." "I apologize about the cab driver." "I thought you met another man and you're getting married." "I've met another man, and we're getting married." "I knew it." "Who is he?" "How could you do this to me?" "How long it's been going on?" "Do you want to hear the answer to your question?" "Or do you want to keep babbling like an idiot?" "I am perfectly capable of doing both." "Baber, I'm in love with this new man." "And I'm moving with him to Pakistan." "Pakistan?" "This is your news?" "And I supposed you will be taking our daughter with you." "You... child nabbing, re-marry-er, you." "Mind you before, I wanted Layla to come live with you." "Oh." "My new husband's job has us travelling so much, and I want Layla to have a stable home." " Ooh, that would be lovely." " Well it's not happening now, Baber." "Look how you live, you have no furniture," "This is top-of-the-line patio furniture." "Your clothes, they're ripped." "That's because of these crappy patio furniture!" "Cut cake for dinner?" "It's the last time I'm going to that diner." "A girl needs the right environment." "I have to do what's right for Layla." "Excuse me." "I need to use the washroom." "Unless your toilet hasn't been delivered yet." "It's upstairs." "You have to jiggle the handle when you're finished." "Haven't got around to fixing it." "Of course in the end, Samina changed her mind." " Aw." " How did you pull that off?" " I think it is pretty obvious." " So you don't know." "No." "This is all very enlightening." "But it doesn't give me the million dollar that I was supposed to have in, twenty minutes." "Why did you write that silly cheque to yourself anyway?" "Come to think of it, I don't remember." "Wait a minute." "I remember." "I was with you that night." "It was uh, when I was home from med-school on a holiday break." "Back then, I used to pick up a few shifts at Fatima's when I break in home." " Well, look." "What you think?" " I don't know, Fatima." "It's just not for me." "May be some day." "You are one of those uh, Muslim too, huh?" "It's a lot of you people living in the town." "Well, may be you should talk about it in your show, Mr Tupper." "I guess." "But what would I say?" "Oh my gosh!" "Rayyan?" "I" " I haven't seen you since high school." " Come on, come on." "Hugs, hugs." " Oh." " So, how- how are things?" " Um, the same." "Works the same, parents are the same, and nothing ever changes." " Oh." "I'm sorry to hear that." " Why, it's awesome." "Hey, um, you have to come to my New Year's party." "There will be tons of people from our old crowd." "Oh, I didn't realized I was in the old crowd." "Oh!" "Oh my God." "That's so not true." "So, you'll come?" " Yeah." "I like to." " Awesome." "Oh, and don't worry, there will be plenty of non-alcoholic drinks, 'cause, uh, you know, the whole Muslim-Muslim thing." "Yeah." "I'm aware of the whole Muslim-Muslim thing." " Cool." " I'll call you." " OK." " OK." "Ciao." "Oh my God." "Can you believe that?" "I'm going to one of Sandy Sharpe's parties." "Let us celebrate by bagging up the take-out orders." "Two chicken korma's..." "And," "One cake." "Hmm" "You know, I have no idea what to wear tonight." "Can I go early?" "After the rush dies down." "So now?" " Alright, run along." " You're the best, Fatima." " Here's your cake, Mr Tupper." " Oh thanks, toots." "And uh, remember what I told you." "Muslims." "Good topic for a show." "Muslims, huh?" "I guess I can talk about Muslim on the show." "Well, I just don't know what angle to take, you know, am I, uh, am I for ya or against you." "Huh?" "Mom." "Are you and dad still going to dinner party at the Cowan's tonight?" " Yeap." " OK." "Ask me if I want to tag along." " What?" "Why?" " Just ask me." " Do you want to tag along?" " I can't, I have plans." "You already told me that this morning." " Mom, you're ruining my moment here." " Sorry, sorry." "What are your plans?" " Sandy Sharpe invited me to her party." " Uh huh." "Who's Sandy Sharpe?" "The girl who flush my socks down the toilet in Grade 9 gym." "The one who "crazy-glued" my face to the locker?" "The one who laugh at me when I go to the prom with a date?" "Gee, I can't see why you want to usher in the New Year with her." "Yasir, you're almost ready?" "We are going to late for the Cowan's." " You are not dressed." " Well, I'm not naked." " What's wrong, dad?" " Look at that." "Five years ago, I wrote myself a post-dated cheque for half a million dollars." "Oh." "I think that's going to bounce." " By now, I'm supposed to have a kayak, a row boat..." " We lived in the prairie." " So I should buy myself a pond." "Why don't you write yourself a cheque for a full million, and post date it for five years from now." "Darling, you're brilliant." "You've just doubled my money." " Oh." " Oh." "Don't answer it." "I don't want to seem too eager." "Sweetie, those are the kids who made fun of you in high school." " I know." "I want to impress them." " And you will." "Because you're cool." "Says the man who wear socks and sandals." "Please get dressed." "Hello." "Oh hey, Sandy." "What's up?" " What's that, darling?" " Direction to Sandy's house." "Oh my God, where do she live?" "Kate's house, Dave's house and Jennifer's house." "Oh, you are a little party hopper." "No." "These are the people I'm supposed to pick up on my way there." "And the times they're supposed to be home by." " Ooh, that's sound like fun." " Yes." "Sandy, obviously just invited me so I would be the designated driver." "Because she knows I'm a Muslim, and I don't drink." "Oh, honey, I'm sure that's not true." "Please." "You should have seen her in high school." "I remembered it was about five years ago today," " I was going..." " Darling," "No one is interested in listen to stories about five years ago." "No." "Well, anyway, I thought she changed." "In retrospect, I should have been tipped off when she said she hadn't changed." "Honey, I think you misreading this, nobody's going to invite you to a party, just to be designated driver." "That is ridiculous." "I hate to interrupt." "But we could be late for the Cowan's." "Oh we have fifteen minutes." "Yes." "But on the way, we have to pick up the Diamond's, the Moses's and the Sheridan's." "This was way more fun that going out anyway." "Oh I agree." "You know, technically, in the Islamic calendar, there is no December 31st." "Really?" "I didn't know that." "And this just in." "The prime minister is recovering after receiving a snake bite, during a magic trick gone wrong at the New Year's Eve party in Toronto." "Toronto?" "What do they get up to in that city?" "Oh." "My God." "It's almost midnight." "Should we turn on the TV?" "Remember, it's not a New Year's Eve dinner." "Just a dinner on New Year's Eve." "You know, Sarah, technically in the Islamic calendar, there is no December 31st." "Really?" "You see, I didn't know that." "Well, happy "not New Year's Eve" to everyone, anyway." "Hear, hear." "What?" "I'm not Muslim." "Ooh, switching colours." "It's not good." " What a fun night." "So many friends." " So many dishes." "You know..." "If I had a million dollar, we could pay someone to do this." "Or you can fix the dish-washer." "Stop mopping." "You've got health, you've got safety and comfort and, you spent last night in a house full of people who love you." "You're right, darling." "That's much more important than a million dollars." " Yeah." " Dad," " I have something for you." " Is that a million dollars?" "Better." "Ten million dollars." "All you have to do is sign your name." "Brilliant." "This will really motivate me." "Five years from now, we will have our own swimming pool." " Huh?" " On the back of our luxury yacht." "This may not be the first day of our year, but, this is the first day of the rest of my life." " Where are you going?" " Nap." "Oh wait." "First, can you get the mayor off our couch?" "Water, please." "Subtitle by:" "Kiasu."