" Mike!" " Help." " Mike, get that rabid animal out of here." " Help." "Come on, Dad." "Stuart's not rabid." "He's peppy." "Mike, animals that live off human toes are not "peppy."" "This is great." "I mean, I'm trying to do a good deed for a neighbor who's out of town... and all you guys can do is complain." "How come you only do good deeds for neighbors who walk like this?" "Ben, does the phrase "one good turn deserves another" mean anything to you?" "Mike, does the phrase "get that dog out of here..." ""before I punt it through the greenhouse" mean anything to you?" "Hi, Carol." "Hi." "What's the matter, Carol?" "I can't find the peanut butter." "When's Mom coming home?" "Usual time." "Can I call her at work?" "Course you can, sweetheart." "If it's important." "Yeah, is Maggie Seaver there, please?" "Yeah, could you tell her to call Carol when she gets back?" "It's really important." "Okay." "Thanks." "Bye." "Something you want to talk to me about?" "I don't know." "Want me to leave you alone?" "I don't know." "Do you want me to stick large ripe vegetables in my ear... and play the accordion?" "Hey, come on." "Remember what we used to do when you were just a little girl... and you had a problem?" "I'd steer you over here, beep-beep, spin you around... and up on the counter like that... so that we could have a little face-to-face chat." " Yeah." " Doesn't work anymore." "Come on, talk to me." "Today was the last day of the German Club Gummy Bear sale and... well, that was my last real chance to get Kevin to notice me... before the dance tomorrow night." "And Kevin's friend Mark was coming up to get a Gummy... and Melissa said she heard Mark said he said..." "Wait, wait." "Who said?" " Kevin said." " Said what?" "Said..." "Said I look like a Gummy Bear." "Well, honey, I'm sure he meant it in a nice way." "Come off it, Dad." "I mean, the boy thinks I look like a bear." "I'm just ugly." "You do not look like a bear." "But if you walk around thinking that you..." "look ugly, then you're going to end up looking like this." "Look." "Can you see yourself?" "Now if you walk around knowing you're pretty... because you are... then you're gonna feel better." "You're gonna look like this." "What do you think?" "I think it's more important what Kevin thinks." "Okay... but did you actually hear Kevin say... that he thought you looked like a Gummy Bear?" "No, but Melissa said she heard he said it." "Well, since when did you believe everything Melissa says she heard?" "Well, she does make you wonder sometimes." "I mean, she swore she saw Mick Jagger at JC Penney's last week." "Well, they did have that big sale in Home Furnishings." "Dad." "Come on, I just think that... you should take your cues about what Kevin thinks... from what Kevin says himself." "Yeah, you're right." "I need new ice skates." "Did I miss something?" "Well, everybody's going to be at the skating rink tomorrow night... and I can skate by Kevin and see if he says anything to me." "Tomorrow morning you and I go down to Macy's... and we buy you a brand-new pair of skates." "Who knows, maybe we'll even run into Tina Turner in Small Appliances." "Thanks, Dad." "Carol." " Carol." " I'm in here, Mom." " Fooled you, didn't I?" " Yeah." "Hi, sweetheart." "Where's Carol?" "I got a message that she wanted to talk to me." "She's over at Laurie's." "How was your day?" "Another last-minute rewrite." "I've never typed so fast in my life." "My fingers are still wiggling." "Don't be wasting those wiggling fingers." "Here, try them right here below the shoulder blade." "Oh, Jason." "Perfect." "Thank you." "So what did Carol want to talk about?" "Jim said she sounded very upset." "Yes, well, it seems she has reason to believe that Kevin thought... that she looked like a Gummy Bear." "Kevin?" "The one in the German Club?" "My dear, the chancellor of the German Club." "Oh, no." "She's had a crush on him since..." "Yes, since the Oktoberfest polka party." "Poor kid." "She must be miserable." "Well, I'll talk to her when she gets home." " She's fine now." " She is?" "Yeah, we talked it over." "Figured it out." " You did." " I did." "Honey, you don't have to say that just so I won't feel guilty." "I'm not, Maggie." "No, we talked the whole thing over through and through, inside and out." "We cried." "We laughed." "We hugged." "We closed with a song." "That's good, Jason." "But if you don't mind, I think I'll talk to her just the same." "She's fine, Maggie." "Honey, she always says she's fine." "Now when's she coming home?" "You don't think I can hold up my end of the bargain, do you?" "Jason, what bargain?" "Come on, the bargain where you go back to work... and I stay here and take care of the kids." " Oh, Jason." " No." "You don't think... that I can handle it, do you?" " Jason, it's not that I don't think..." " No, no, no." "Even though I happen to be..." " a highly skilled professional counselor..." " Oh, Jason." "...who once talked a man down from the rim of a shark tank." "No, no." "I mean, because I was the guy... who predicted two weeks before the police caught Son of Sam... that he would turn out to be an ugly mailman from New Rochelle... who talked to his neighbor's dog." "Jason, it's not that I don't think that you're a wonderful psychiatrist." "But you're just not a mother." "Well, that's fine with me because this girdle is killing me." "Hey, Ben." "Where's Mom and Dad?" "Hey, Mike." "What you hiding from them?" "Me?" "Hide something from my beloved mother and..." "Oh, no." "Not another one." "Will it bite me?" "What's the matter, Ben?" "Don't you recognize your old pal, Stuart?" " Mike, Stuart is black." " So?" " This dog is white." " So?" "So I think that's a noticeable difference." "Look, Ben." "You gotta help me." "Stuart ran away." " Wendy's going to kill you." " Not if she doesn't find out." "Mike, even one of your girlfriends... has a shot at remembering the color of her own dog." "I'll take care of Wendy." "You just make sure Mom and Dad don't find out." "Hi, guys." "What dog?" " Who said anything about a dog?" " Not me." " Hi, Mom." " Hi, sweetheart." "How are you?" "Fine." "Great, just in time for my show." "I got your message, and I would've called you back... but I was out of the office all day." "That's okay, Mom." "Look at this guy." "What is this?" "The Sturgeons of Pitt Street." "Why is the butler on all fours?" "The family dog died, and they didn't have the heart to tell Grandma." "So, honey, you wanna talk about what happened at school today?" " Carol?" " Mom, what'd you say?" "You must be really upset about what Kevin said." "Good." "A commercial." "So let's talk." "What's with this Kevin anyway?" "I already talked the whole thing through with Dad." "I know that, but I thought maybe a woman-to-woman talk..." "No, really, Mom." "I'm fine." "You are?" "You're sure?" "Honey, you don't have to say that just so that I won't feel guilty." "No, I swear it's okay, Mom." "You know..." "I thought I wasn't gonna like it when you went back to work... but it's really kind of neat having Dad at home now." "That's great." "Hey, those wacky Sturgeons on yet?" " Come on, Dad." "Sit in the middle." " Yeah." "Okay." " Could you move over a little, Mom?" " Yeah." "You're gonna love this." "Hi, it's Wendy." "Hi, Wendy." "Come on in." " How you doing?" " Fine." "How was your vacation?" "It was great." "First we went to Europe, and then we went to France." "Yes, well, you must have quite a travel agent." "Mike, Wendy's here." "I hope Stuart wasn't too much trouble for you." "Stuart?" "No, no." "No, no, once we started feeding him the neighbors' children... we hardly knew he was here." " Hey, Wendy." " Hi, Mike." "Hi, Stuey-pooey." "Wow, just look how glad he is to see you, Wendy." "That does look like Stuart, doesn't it?" "Same color and everything." "Yes." "Wendy, why don't I take you and Stuart home?" "Come on, Stuart." "Come on." "Yeah, that's it, good dog." "Yeah." "Just look at him, Wendy." "I mean... he was so excited about you coming home last night... that he didn't sleep a wink." "And now, of course, he's exhausted." " Ben?" " Yeah, Dad?" "What did Mike do to Stuart?" " The truth, Dad?" " Yeah, Ben." "Mike didn't do anything to Stuart." "Bye, Dad." " Hi, sweetheart." " Hello." " Where's Carol?" " I don't know." "Are we going on vacation here?" "No, no, I just thought I'd take Carol into the city for the day." "You know, take in a couple of art galleries... run up to Tavern on the Green for lunch... and then maybe pop over to the Bronx Zoo." "I know Carol's been dying to see that albino hyena on loan from Detroit." "Those things come from Detroit?" "Anyway, I thought if we had time..." "Listen, sweetheart, does Carol know about all this?" "No, why?" "Well, Carol and I were planning to go shopping together today... for a new pair of skates." "I think it's important to her... because, well, you know, Kevin and the other kids... are all going skating this afternoon." "Yes, and you know the big dance is tonight." " No." " Oh, yes." "No, I didn't realize that." "But then that's more your area now." "Well, honey, you two have a good time." " Maggie, you want to come with us?" " No, I'd just be in the way." "No, no." "Don't be ridiculous." "No, no, I can have fun here." "Really." "I'll just do the laundry, maybe clean a few toilets." "Does it bother you that Carol and I have plans together?" "No." "No." "I think it's great." "I mean, sure, she didn't have time to talk to me last night... and she doesn't have time to be with me today... but I love seeing the two of you together." "You're her father." "She's your daughter." "You're father and daughter." "You should do things together." "Father and daughter things." "I'm very happy for you." " Maggie." " What?" "You know, when Carol came home from school yesterday all upset... she really wanted to talk to you." "Oh, yes." "It was like pulling teeth to get her to open up to old Dad." "Yeah?" "She still needs her mother, you know." "Sometimes I don't feel like it." "She does." "And you still wear the girdle in the family." " Yeah?" " And very nicely." "So you're saying that I'm overreacting a bit." "No, no, I'm saying you're overreacting a lot." "Dad, I'm telling you it's just a phase that Stuart's going through." "I mean, people change, dogs change." "Look, did you ever read Passages?" "Wendy. ¿Que pasa?" "How's it going?" "Hey, Stuart." "How you doing, little fella?" "Mike, this isn't Stuart." "Wendy." "Wendy." "Wendy." "Who would this be if it's not Stuart?" "I don't know, Mike." "But this dog changes colors when he gets wet." "Stuart would never do that." "You know, there's an article about this in the paper." "They're saying pets are changing colors left and right now." "It's that acid rain, you know." "Mike, look." "There's a schnauzer in Cincinnati that turned purple." "They say it's perfectly normal." "I have the article upstairs." "I'll go get it." "Mike, stop." "Sit." "Now what did you do to Stuart?" "I lost him." "Look, I looked everywhere, but I couldn't find him." "Wendy, I would've told you the truth but... then I asked myself:" "What is truth?" "Is it honesty?" "Or is it pain and grieving?" "Or is it the smile on a beautiful girl's face?" "I guess you know what I think the truth is." "Now you took a white dog and you dyed him black." "Hey, when somebody leaves a black dog with Mike Seaver... they get a black dog back." "Look, Wendy, I'm really sorry about all of this." "I know how much you must have loved Stuart." " Are you kidding?" "Who could love Stuart?" " What?" "My family went on vacation to get away from Stuart." "They what?" "But I love this dog." "He's so sweet." "I think I'll name him Mikey." "No, make that Mikey-Poo." "Did you hear that, Dad?" "She's gonna name it Mikey-Poo." "I'll see you tonight." " Bye." " Yeah, okay." "Bye." "Well, I learned my lesson, Dad." "I'll never do that again." "No, you won't, Mike." "Because you're grounded for the rest of your life." " Dad, you..." "Life?" " And a month after that." "What's with Mike?" " I just grounded him for life." " Again?" "I do not believe it." "Honey, what's wrong?" "Dad, you're not gonna believe what Melissa told me." "What?" "Melissa told me that Mark told Kevin... that I sweat a lot." "Well, sweetheart, didn't we decide yesterday... that Melissa's really not that reliable a source?" "Yeah, but, I mean, everything's different now, Dad." "I mean, the whole thing is blown wide open." "You see, Melissa said that she..." "Hey, wait." "You know, this would be a good one to run by the old pro here." "Okay." "But then I talked to Mark, and he said he never even said that... or the Gummy Bear thing, either." "Mark." "Who's Mark?" "But then Cathy tells me that she was right there... when Mark told Kevin that I do sweat a lot." "Honey, if you could just tell me who Mark is and what happened yesterday..." "Mom, this has nothing to do with how it happened yesterday." "The point is I don't know whether I trust Melissa or Mark..." " 'cause Cathy says..." " Wait, wait, wait, sweetheart." "Now you said that Cathy also had a thing for Kevin." "Yeah, so?" "Well, that doesn't make Cathy a very reliable source, either." "Oh, God, Dad." "You know what this means?" "This means everybody's in on it." " Maggie, wait." " Dad, it's just not fair." "Honey, look, if Kevin is really worth caring for... then he's gonna make up his own mind." "Yeah, well, I guess he already has... 'cause he didn't ask me to the dance." "Maggie, don't be mad." "Carol's just upset." " She didn't mean to exclude you." " I am not mad." "I am just tired of people taking things out of the cabinets... and not putting them back where they belong." " Well, what are you looking for?" " I don't know." "Well, on the off-chance that it's the mango chutney... we finished it in 1982." "Come on, Maggie." "I know what you're feeling." "You do not have any idea what I am feeling, Dr. Seaver." "Hey, look..." "No, you may know what Kevin, Mark, and Melissa are feeling... but you do not know what I am feeling." "Maggie, I tried to include you..." "Don't patronize me, Jason." "Throwing me a bone, calling me an old pro." "Maybe in a few years you can bring me back for Old-Timers' Day." "We talked about all of this." "I just happened to be the guy who was here... the day the whole Gummy Bear thing exploded in our faces." "It's not just the Gummy Bears, Jason." "It's the whole past three months." "The way you've been pampering the children." "What?" "Making Ben's favorite chocolate chip cookies." "What's wrong with that?" ""What's wrong with that?"" "What's wrong with that is you're edging me out of my children's lives." "Edging you out?" "Is that what you think?" "I don't know." "You're the expert." "Why don't you tell me what I think?" "Okay." "I think you feel guilty about going back to work." "Of course I do." "And I think you want me to be here to spend time with the kids." "Of course I do." "And I think you want me to be good at it." "Of course I do." "But you don't want me to be as good as you are." "Of course I do." "Well... maybe I don't." "You know, Maggie, I was at work... when Ben took his first step... and when Carol spoke her first sentence... and when Mike... committed his first illegal act." "I missed out on all that." "And now I have the chance... to be closer to the kids, spend more time... and you begrudge that?" "Oh, Jason, I don't." "Really..." "No, maybe you do." "I know that feeling, too." "Because it's time that goes." "And it never comes back." "They grow up... and it hurts." "Yeah." "It hurts." "Are you sorry you went back to work?" "You want to come home?" "No, I don't." "I guess..." "I guess I just want to have it all." "But you can't." "How's Carol?" "Well, she's not going to the dance with Kevin." " Oh, no, that's too bad." " Yeah." "But she does have a chance at another date that she was pretty excited about." " Really?" "Really?" "Who with?" " Oh, yeah." "I don't know exactly, but she said something about an albino hyena." " From Detroit?" " Yeah." "Well, not originally, no." "Help!" "Stuart's back!" "Why is the butler lying on his back?" "He's playing dead." "Why is Grandma lying on her back?" "She is dead." "Oh, those wacky Sturgeons." "Look, they're all dead." "English"