"* * you won't admit you love me * * and so * * how am i ever * * to know * * you always tell me * * perhaps, perhaps, perhaps * * perhaps * * perhaps *" "* perhaps * i know we were thinking about it for a second, but let's be honest-- we just haven't made that special connection, have we?" "I thought you holding out for the third date." "Now since I'm only a friend date, do you want to take this ticket back and get an upgrade?" "Hey, no." "We can go as the "friends" thing." "I'm never gonna sleep with you, Patrick..." "Ever, ever, ever." "Okay, thanks." "See you." "I told you he wasn't your type." "I'm surprised he was ever yours." "What did you see in him?" "He's so dull." "I need personality, verve, humor..." "At least now i know why you called him donkey brain." "Actually, i called him donkey." "Yeah, but i got the point." "No, you didn't." "What?" "You mean...you mean..." "Some men are born lucky." "Some men are born very lucky." "What was Patrick born?" "A tripod." "( inhales ) do you know what my job is?" "I convert no's into yes's." "To me a no is just a yes worded as a no." "That's about confidence, and confidence is my long suit." "Would you believe, looking at me now, looking at the kind of guy that i am, that just four years ago i was actively contemplating suicide." "What method?" "Sorry?" "I'm just trying to picture it." "But i then i thought how my family would feel-- my friends-- everyone who cared about me." "You shouldn't worry what other people think." "That's just what I'm saying." "It's not for me." "What does suicide solve?" "It's just stupid." "It's an option." "You shouldn't be closing doors at your age." "What?" "Would you excuse me a moment?" "Yeah." "Sure." "Hurry back." "Oh, absolutely." "Code red." "Again?" "Sorry." "When?" "Now." "( tinkling )" "saw you talking to Sally out there." "You know Sally?" "Yeah, i know Sally." "I had a thing with her awhile back." "Huh." "Right." "Oh, yeah." "I know Sally Harper, all right." "Sorry, is there some kind of problem here?" "Hmm?" "No, not a problem exactly." "Guess i just wasn't man enough for her." "Sorry." "Yeah, but i mean..." "Does size really make a difference?" "You know what women always say?" ""Ouch"?" "So why don't you ever just tell them you don't like them?" "Do you?" "If i don't like a woman, if there's no chemistry, if I'm not attracted to her, i just get out of there." "Really?" "Every time, before she even wakes up." "So you do have sex with them, then." "Well, there's no reason to be cruel, is there?" "Very thoughtful of you." "You have to be thoughtful when it comes to the body swerve." "The what?" "The dumping-- it's just a more delicate way of putting it." "Do you ever think it's a shame we never..." "You know?" "Got indelicate together?" "Uh...probably not." "You're right, probably not." "Yeah." "Probably for the best, really." "Probably." "Anyway, uh-- you should be getting back." "Yeah." "So, I'll be seeing you." "My very next code red." "I'll be waiting for your call." "And your partner, i hope." "What would i be without my partner?" "Literate?" "I'll see you." "Yeah." "Sorry about that lads, bit of an emergency." "So, who's she?" "Oh, that's just Sally." "Vroom!" "Vroom!" "Go!" "Go!" "Go!" "( tire-skidding sounds )" "( phone ringing )" "( clears throat ) hello." "Patrick mateland." "It's me." "Hi." "How are you?" "Let's do it." "I'm sorry?" "Let's do it now." "What do you mean?" "You know what you've spent your entire life in constant pursuit of?" "Yeah." "Well, right now it's doing all my thinking." "Can you get off in the next 20 minutes?" "You sure you can get here that quickly?" "Off from work, Patrick." "I'll meet your at your flat." "No, hang on." "It's now or never." "My brain could get back in control any second." "But my flat's being decorated." "Owhat?" "We can't go there." "You understand this is a one-time-only offer?" "Your place now." "It's not possible." "Well...my flat mate's at home with a flu, so..." "Sally?" "I've got a key to Susan's flat." "What?" "We can go to Susan's." "She'll be at work till 7:00." "I'll tell her I'm using her shower or something." "( slowly ) Susan?" "Half an hour." "Meet me there." "Yeah?" "Yeah." "Okay." "Yes." "( door opens )" "are you okay?" "Yeah, yeah." "Sure." "If thought i better actually use the shower." "That's what i told Susan." "Right." "Good idea." "Do you want to talk about it?" "No, no." "No, no, no." "It might help to talk." "No." "All men have failures from time to time." "No." "Please, you're making it worse." "Oh, Patrick..." "I hope you're not frightened to talk about your emotions." "Oh, please stop it." "It'll start ingrowing." "Patrick..." "You've got to focus on yourself, on what's inside you right now." "Hisisaboutyou ." "Okay." "Kay." "We'll talk." "Right, then." "Is it me?" "No." "Did i do something wrong?" "You only have to lie down naked." "How wrong could you go?" "Maybe it was something to do with me as a person." "We were having sex." "Where would that come up?" "Patrick..." "Focus on what's important here." "If you've got deep personal anxieties, you've got to confront them." "It's my thighs, isn't it?" "It's notyourthighs." "It's nothing to do with you, it's just a...malfunction." "Oh, i don't think so." "An erection's a very simple physical process, you know." "Please stop." "It's just an autonomic reflex causing increased blood flow through the pudendal artery." "Okay, so I've got a book." "Sometimes i get lonely." "( phone rings )" "I'd better get that." "It could be Susan." "( ringing continues ) so what happened?" "Okay, I'm there." "Sally's there." "Good start." "Can't fault you." "I've been through all that foreplay stuff, now I'm ready for the actual sex." "Okay." "So..." "There i am-- there we are-- on the bed..." "Right." "Yeah." "Runway in sight, final approach, will all passengers kindly fasten thier seatbelts..." "Barely were those words out of my mouth..." "When i look down..." "And?" "Nothing's looking back." "It's not such a big deal, you know." "You don't have to take it personally." "How can i not take it personally?" "This is Patrick we're talking about-- permanently ready Patrick." "It's like a shelf, you could keep books on it-- until Sally gets her Kit off, when, for the first time in living memory," "Patrick's blood supply gets as far as his brain." "That must have been so painful." "It's against the rules." "It's a chain of command thing." "I'm naked, he salutes." "Oh, Sally, it's just a one-off." "It happens to everyone." "Has it happened to you?" "Well, no, actually." "But I'm sure it will." "Not at all, not even once?" "Are you sure?" "Of course I'm sure." "There was this gay guy." "( sarcastically ) oh, i see." "What you mean is, because this guy failed, you assumed he was gay." "That's denial, Susan." "A tiny bit of a problem there, i think." "Mmm." "One-- he was definitely gay, and two-- who said he failed?" "What about you?" "What?" "Have you ever encountered floppiness?" "Just the one time." "Quite recently." "It really hurt, though." "I was devastated." "Oh, what happened?" "This guy walked past me in a corridor-- nothing." "You are saying that exactly once in your life a man failed to become spontaneously aroused by your presence?" "Okay, you don't have to harp on about it." "Do you think I've just passed on to a whole new level, and I'm now actually repulsive?" "Don't be silly." "It's my neck, isn't it?" "I've got my mother's neck." "I'm only thirty and I've got a neck that can remember d-day." "You're panicking, you're going to be fine." "You just gotta believe in yourself." "And don't move your head during sex-- to avoid those unsightly neck folds." "Oh, and be careful how you lie on the bed, because there's always a risk of thigh-creping." "You realize what's going to happen?" "I'm going to be the only woman Patrick's failed with." "I'll be famous." "I'll be this legendary man-wilter." "The entire male sex will be terrified of me." "I mean, if even Patrick doesn't like me." "Do you know the real way to tell if a man likes you?" "Have a drink with him." "Now, if he puts his glass down really close to yours, that means he really likes you, and something's definitely going to happen." "You know, i think Patrick does that." "I think he does that glass thing." "Of course, as indicators go, an enormous erection is a bit more reliable." "Has it ever occurred to you that maybe Patrick's the one with the problem?" "Yeah." "Maybe's he's ill or something." "Exactly." "Patrick ill?" "Oh, that would be such a relief." "It was just so embarrassing." "I didn't know what to do." "It happens to us all, mate." "All of us, in our time, are visited by the melty man." "The what?" "Don't say his name-- don't even think his name, or he will rise from the shadow dimensions to do his evil work inside your terrified pants." "Ha!" "Terrified pants." "There's nothing funny about the melty man, Patrick." "You know about the melty man, too?" "We all know the melty man." "Who is he?" "The archenemy of trouser confidence." "Professor moriarty in groin form." "Darth vader..." "Without the helmet." "What does he do?" "Oh, Patrick..." "You know what he does." "Oh, right." "You're in bed with a women, everything's going fine." "That's when the meltly man strikes." "Suddenly you find yourself thinking, maybe she's really bored." "Maybe your licking her neck too much." "Are you overwetting her neck?" "Are you spending equal time on each breast?" "What happens if one breast gets ahead?" "Should you switching between them really quickly, or should you just squish them both together and do them both at once?" "Or are you allowed to just skip one breast completely just to save time?" "She's wriggling about a bit-- is that a good sign, or is she trying to dry her neck?" "Or should you kiss her now, or do you have to start at the top again?" "Should you be making noises yet?" "Is it too soon to grunt?" "And then, the killer..." "Out of nowhere, for no reason you can think of, you call her..." "Baby." "You've never called her baby before." "You never called anyone baby before." "So why did you just call her baby?" "Suddenly you're starting to blush." "Now you're blushing and you've got an erection-- no one's got enough blood!" ""It's the engines, captain, they cannae take it!"" "And then the melty man hits you with his secret weapon." "Just one simple thought placed in your mind at this crucial time..." ""Please God, don't let me lose my erection!"" "Oh." "How do you guys ever manage to have sex?" "We don't." "Haven't had sex in years." "It's just not possible anymore." "We are followers of the melty man." "And you are one of us now." "On the other hand, maybe it's just Sally." "Maybe you just don't fancy her." "( scoffs ) but she was naked-- she could have been anyone." "( door buzzer )" "hi." "Hi." "I was just passing." "Great." "( thinking ) okay." "Better say something now." "( thinking ) stop nodding, stop smiling." "Aysomething." "On'tbringup thesex thing." "On'tembarrasshim." "Ustmakehimfeelcomfortable." "Uh...you can come inside if you like." "Yes, but can you?" "The whole thing was a stupid, disastrous mistake." "I agree completely." "What do you mean, disastrous?" "Actually it was you that said disastrous." "Let's not start pointing fingers, Patrick." "I've come here to help you." "I wasn"t pointing at you." "That's something I'm getting used to." "What you mean, help me?" "I think it would be best if we just forgot the whole thing ever happened." "I agree." "Why?" "!" "Because of my neck?" "No, i just" "Patrick, let's try and stick to the subject here." "Here's what i suggest." "I'm going to walk out of here, and we are never going to mention anything about this incident ever again." "Agreed?" "Is it safe to agree this time?" "The thing is, Patrick, the important thing here..." "Do i matter to you?" "Of course you do." "You're like a friend to me." "Only you're a woman." "Right." "Exactly." "What i was thinking was, it would be a shame if we allowed something like this to come between us." "I'm gonna go now, Patrick." "The next time we see each other, the whole thing never happened." "Okay." "Okay." "( both laugh nervously ) as soon as this door is closed, the whole thing is erased from history." "That's the rule." "Door shuts, it's over." "Never mentioned again." "Brilliant." "That's great." "So since this is the last time it's ever going to be mentioned, can i just say..." "I hope you get over your little problem." "Oh, it's no big deal." "Completely okay with it now." "I mean, what the hell." "Can't fancy everyone." "( giggles )" "I'm sorry?" "What?" "What did you just say?" "Can't fancy everyone." "Okay, i see." "You see what?" "That's what you think it is, then." "Well, yeah." "It's not some kind of illness you've got or a stress thing?" "No, no." "I'm fine." "Right." "So that's it, then." "You just don't fancy me." "I..." "like you as a person." "I don't need you to think of me as person-- i have women for that!" "You've got a great personality." "A great what?" "Did you say, a great personality?" "What's wrong with that?" "It's the consolation prize, it's what you say to people who've got huge bottoms and smell of biscuits!" "I really mean it." "I like you." "I think you're great!" "I was nearly out of here." "One more second and it would've been over." "One more second and this door would've been shut." "So why isn't it?" "Because you said you weren't ill." "I was very happy about it being an illness." "I could have been all womanly and understanding and had special feminine insights." "Deep looks great on me." "What kind of illness was i supposed to have?" "I don't know..." "Whatever it is that connects a limp Dick with a limp brain!" "There is no connection between my Dick and my brain!" "Let's analyze this, shall we?" "You like me as a person." "Of course i do." "Do you find me physically attractive?" "Yes, you look great." "You've got a great body." "So what don't you like?" "My feet?" "My taste in hats?" "What?" "There's nothing i don't like." "What's wrong with you?" "Nothing, apparently." "My great personality is inside my great body, so why aren't you?" "!" "Okay, it's me." "I'm the problem." "I didn't want to say it, but..." "And it's nothing to do with me?" "Nope." "Okay..." "I accept that." "Good." "Right, then." "Shall we close the door on this?" "That would be unbelievably excellent." "Okay, let's do it." "Ha ha." "Yes." "I am gonna close this door and no one need ever mention again about your impotence." "I'm sorry?" "What?" "My-- what did you say?" "Your impotence." "Ha ha ha!" "You can't call me impotent." "What do you normally call it when you stop being able to have sex?" "I don't know-- a relationship." "Patrick..." "Impotence is the word." "There are some words you just don't say to a man, they're too technical-- like "commitment" or "cervix."" "Either we say you are impotent, or i am unattractive-- which is it going to be?" "There is a third alternative." "What?" "You know what." "What are you doing?" "Something i should have done in the first place." "Drink?" "Patrick, if you're suggesting what i think you're suggesting..." "Maybe we should talk about this." "No more talking." "No more doors." "No more theories." "This time..." "I'm going in." "Hi." "Hi." "Nice bed." "I like it." "I didn't undress, i thought maybe you'd want-- you know." "Thanks." "Good thought." "Nice." "Besides, i never like to undress till i know there's a dimmer." "( laughing ) right." "I did undress, by the way." "I see that." "Thank you." "I could put something back on-- no, no..." "Now you've done all that...folding." "Fine." "Nice folding, by the way." "Oh." "It's always best to put things away properly, otherwise everything just mounts up." "Oh, that's so true." "You've just got to keep it under control, have a system." "That's so right." "You've just got to pick stuff up." "That's my system." "Yeah." "Anyway..." "Enough of this flirting." "Do you mind if i just..." "No, no." "Go ahead." "Won't be a moment." "Oh, don't worry." "Just a couple of minutes, then we can get to the..." "Sex part." "I can admire your folding system." "That wasn't a comment about last time." "( clears throat ) no, i got that." "What am i doing?" "Ell,you'reabout to attempt sex with a close friend." "E'ssoworried his erection will fail again." "Hichwilldestroy one of the most important relationships in his life." "Ndhisrelationship with you." "So why am i doing this?" "Why have i cornered him into it?" "Ecausemaybe, just maybe having sex with someone you actually like might be an interesting new experiment for you." "I don't like him that much." "Es,youdo ." "Fcourseyoudo." "Ouguysarehangingout all the times these days." "Aven'tyounoticed?" "Then i definitely shouldn't have sex with him, right?" "If he's a friend." "Ell,notsexas a competitive sport, no." "Utifit was, you know..." "Akinglo-- don't say it." "Don't say, "making love."" "Making love is not on the cards here." "Eah." "Ight." "He's a Tory!" "O?" "What is the matter with you?" "You never thought i should be with Patrick." "You've always tried to put me off him." "Eah,butI'mnot  the real me, am i?" "E'rejustin yourhead at the moment." "Oh..." "Right." "Peakforyourself." "'mastrallyprojected." "Eah?" "This is the worst possible thing i could be doing to Patrick." "Okay." "I can do this." "It's no big deal." "E'rewithyou,Patrick." "Omeon,my son." "E'rehereforyou ." "What if i fail again?" "It wouldn't just one incident, it will be two incidents." "He'sstill in that room waiting." "On'tthinkaboutfailure." "He'swantsyou." "On'tthinkabout premature ejaculation-- anything like that." "He'sprobablyundressing right now." "H,anddon'tthinkabout the crying game." "Look, I'm fine, okay?" "Eknowthat." "Ebelievethat." "Owe?" "Hh!" "I can handle this." "I just don't need any more theories about the melty-- no!" "On'tsayhisname!" "On'teventhink his name!" "Rhewillcome." "Ndyouwon't." "Oh, for God's sake!" "There's no such thing as the melty man!" "Hh!" "Hh!" "( wind howling ) the melty man!" "( deep voice ) join me, Patrick." "Never!" "You killed my erection!" "No, Patrick." "I am your erection." "Nooooooooooo!" "( gasps ) come on." "This is going to be okay." "( wind howling ) no, Patrick." "I can see into your puny mind." "You care for this woman." "You wish to impress her." "You will be nervous, and you will be mine." "This is the weakness you humans call "emotion."" "What?" "I care for her?" "That's what all this is about." "It's just because i like her?" "You didn't know that?" "No." "Oh." "Bugger." "But i thought there was something wrong with me." "I thought" "Sally?" "Sally." "Why not?" "Well, what do you know?" "Hello, partner." "Come on, rocket man, let's fly her to the moon." "Body swerve." "Close one, Patrick." "* if you can't make your mind up * * we'll never get started * * and i don't want to wind up * * being parted * * broken-hearted * * so if you really love me *" "* say yes * * and please don't tell me * * perhaps * * perhaps * * perhaps *"