"ANNOUNCER:" "In the last episode of Soap," "Chester, Benson, Donohue and the Major went to rescue Billy from where the Sunnies are keeping him... and got caught." "Burt, who the aliens caught and are keeping on their spaceship, met Saul, who the aliens have kept for 4000 years, and Saul told Burt that once the aliens catch you, they keep you forever." "Meanwhile, the fake Burt, who is really a little alien, is still living with Mary, and keeping her busy." "And Mrs. David told Jodie he can keep his baby only if Alice keeps out of his life." "Confused?" "You won't be after this episode of..." "Soap." "This is the story of two sisters," "Jessica Tate... and Mary Campbell." "These are the Tates... and these are the Campbells... and this is..." "Soap." "Burt!" "Burt!" "[ALL SHOUTING]" "[♪]" "We begin this episode of Soap where we left off, with our rescue team having been caught." "[GUN CLICKS]" "We've been expecting you." "Billy..." "Freeze!" "That's my son!" "What have you done to him, you slime?" "Oh, "slime."" "That'll get you in tight with him." "Real good." "Not so fast." "Billy, can you hear me?" "Sure, he can." "He prefers not to respond." "You dirty, stinking..." ""Dirty" and "stinking"?" "Now, that's very good." ""Dirty" and "stinking."" "Shut up." "Bernstein..." "Benson." "Major, not now." "We can rush him." "Rush him?" "He can't get us all." "He can get enough of us." "Uh..." "Uh, here's one you haven't heard..." "Stand your ground." "Uh, a guy walks into the doctor's office, says to the doc, "Doc, I don't feel so good."" "The doc says," ""Well, what you've got to do is exercise." ""What you've got to do is five miles a day, you jog, call me back in two weeks."" "So the guy jogs five miles a day," "Calls the doctor back in two weeks, says, "Doc, I'm in Chicago." "What do I do now?"" "[LAUGHING]" "Quick!" "Let's get out of here!" "Mission accomplished, Major!" "Why would he be in Chicago?" "Oh, Corrine, you're driving me crazy." "Would you stop pacing?" "Stop chomping and I'll stop pacing." "I can't help it." "When I'm nervous, I eat." "Eating is fine." "Listening to it is annoying." "Mother, how can you just sit there like that?" "Like what, dear?" "Half of our family went off to find Billy, looking like the Four Tops, and you're not even nervous?" "Well, I'm praying, Eunice, and you're not supposed to pray nervous." "It's insincere." "And I want him to know that I am sincere." "See, I'm asking God not to hold anything I've ever done against my child." "[DOOR OPENS]" "Mission accomplished!" "Oh, Billy!" "Billy!" "My baby!" "Oh, Billy!" "My baby." "BILLY:" "E-excuse me," "I don't seem to be able to breathe." "Thanks." "Oh, Billy, I'm so happy you're here." "We were all so worried." "I sent you a message by telepathy." "Didn't you get it?" "Message?" "You sent me a message?" "Yeah, I kept saying, over and over," ""Mom, don't worry, I'm fine, I'm fine."" "Oh, I heard you, Billy." "Really." "I also asked for lamb chops." "Huh?" "Well, I guess we got cut off." "Benson... thank you." "No problem." "Chester, you saved our boy." "Oh, I love you, Chester." "I love you, Jess." "Mm." "Oh, George, I don't know how I can ever repay you." "Well, just seeing Billy back where he belongs and that smile on your face is enough payment for me." "Then again, you could dump fat boy and marry me." "And Daddy..." "Daddy, you are wonderful." "I knew you could do it." "Oh, it's nothing, really." "You just take the skin like that, and pull down." "You try." "What's the matter here?" "What is this, another physical here?" "Hmm." "What?" "What's that?" "Hmm, hmm, hmm." "What's "hmm"?" "What are you "hmm, hmm, hmm"...?" "Something's wrong?" "You found what?" "What..." "Tell me." "It's my heart?" "What...?" "My heart?" "Wait!" "Wait..." "Are you a cardiologist?" "Listen to me." "I'm asking a little silver man if he's a cardiologist." "Please." "This is our standard physical." "Not to worry." "[BED WHIRRING]" "Again?" "No!" "I've had it!" "You can't keep capturing people like this." "We are not butterflies." "Oh, look at this." "This is what you do to a person?" "The man just had a Denver omelet for breakfast." "Listen, let him go." "It isn't fair." "He's got a wife, a family." "Saul, Saul, Saul." "You know better than that." "Look what you do to people." "Disrupt their lives, break up their families." "My poor wife." "God only knows how she has taken my disappearance." "Saul, your wife died." "Oh, my God!" "When?" "3783 years ago." "Bad news travels fast." "3783 years ago?" "Yes." "I should be over it by now." "I am so sorry, Saul." "I'm a widower?" "Yes." "I've been a widower for 3783 years, and all this time, I thought I was being faithful." "Mr. Campbell, I am sorry that we cannot let you go." "That would be impossible." "But I hope you can be happy here." "It may help you to know that here, we live forever." "Oh, yeah, good, great selling point." "Immortality on a spaceship." "Pfft." "Who cares?" "Listen, I've been thinking..." "I've decided..." "to help you." "[DOOR CLOSES]" "Do what?" ""Do what?" Flick chickens." "To help you escape, you shmegegi." "Escape?" "No, wait Saul..." "Saul, listen, you can do this?" "Come on." "I'll try." "All right, where are we going?" "The beaming room." "Maybe we can beam ourselves down." "[CARS HONKING]" "[KNOCK AT DOOR]" "Come on in." "What are you doing?" "What does it look like I'm doing?" "Moving out?" "No, I'm going to camp." "This isn't fair." "Well, maybe next year you can go to camp too." "So you heard what Mrs. David and I were..." "Every word." "Aw, come on, Jodie." "This is a New York apartment." "If I can hear Mrs. Lowenstein feeding her fish in 3-A," "I can certainly hear what's going on in the next room." "She's wrong, Alice." "I mean, don't you see that?" "That's not the point." "The point is that you've got to make a choice between your daughter and somebody else." "Look, if it was reversed and I had to make that choice between my baby and my best friend, there'd be no contest." "Well, maybe you can move out for a few days." "A week, maybe." "No." "And when things cool off, you can move right back in." "You can't take that chance." "Alice, you're my best friend." "And you're mine." "And I'll never stop being your best friend." "But right now, there's somebody in there that needs you a lot more than you and I could possibly need each other." "Hmm?" "Where are you going to go?" "The Chugach National Forest." "Where?" "It's in Alaska." "I've always wanted to go to Alaska, and now, thanks to you, I can go." "Why don't you move across the street?" "Oh, it's pretty in Alaska." "Well, it's pretty here." "They're repainting all the curbs." "It's time to go." "Alaska..." "What are you going to do in Alaska?" "Log?" "It is something I always wanted to do." "Log or go to Alaska?" "And because of you, I can do it." "Jodie, before I met you, I-I was afraid to live, and now I'm not anymore." "Listen... eggs are five dollars a dozen." "Ah, but sno-cones are two cents apiece." "It's chilly." "I bought a sweater." "I'll miss you." "I'll write." "That's what people say, don't they?" "They say that, and, uh..." ""Hey, let's have lunch sometime."" "[QUIETLY] Jodie... there won't be a day that goes by that I don't think about you." "You changed my life, pal." "I love you." "I'm never going to see you again." "Come on, walk me out." "Hey, come on." "[LAUGHS]" "[STRAINING]" "[GRUNTING]" "[LAUGHS]" "Sit down, Burt." "[GRUNTING]" "I'm not even straining." "Oh, yeah?" "How about that?" "Hey, you're moving your elbow." "I am not." "You are too." "I'm not." "Hey, Burt, watch him, would you?" "Okay." "I'm not!" "Ha-ha!" "Oh, you see that?" "See, everybody always looks down on us little guys." "Turns out, we're stronger." "Yeah. "We"?" "[MIMICKING FALSETTO] Yeah." ""Little people," Dad?" "Yes." "Like..." "Well, when I was a kid, I was short." "I was..." "Good morning, everyone." "Hi, Burt." "Oh..." "She stops my heart every time." "I can't..." "[GIGGLES]" "Hi, Mary." "Hi, Jess." "Mary, what did you want to talk to me about?" "Nothing." "But Mary, you said on the phone you wanted to..." "Nothing." "A recipe." "I wanted a recipe." "For what?" "Nothing." "I decided not to cook it." "Cook what?" "Nothing." "We're not eating." "Mary..." "I'll be home..." "for lunch today." "I won't." "You won't?" "No." "Oh." "You busy for lunch?" "[LAUGHS]" "[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]" "Ah... well, then let's make it, uh... an early dinner, then, huh?" "See you at dinner." "Oh, yes." "Oh, boy." "[MOANS]" "Chuck, if you're finished," "I'd like to speak to Jessica alone." "Oh, sure, Mary." "Yeah." "Hey, I'm not done yet." "Well, come on, Bob." "Look, if I eat too fast, I get gas." "That's because you swallow air." "Chuck, get out." "Hey, they're going to talk about sex, aren't they?" "That's what they're going to talk about." "I mean, she does it all night, then talks about it all day." "Now." "That's one sick broad, there!" "Jessica..." "Mm?" "I think I'm having a nervous breakdown." "Well..." "I know a lot about them." "Aunt Augusta used to have nervous breakdowns all the time." "Now, what are your symptoms?" "Well, for the last few days" "I've had this crazy feeling that Burt isn't Burt." "Who is he?" "I don't know." "But he's not himself." "Oh, Mary, that's not a nervous breakdown." "That's perfectly normal." "I mean, don't you think that sometimes Chester comes home and he's not himself?" "That's not what I'm talking about." "I don't mean that he's a different man." "I mean he is another man." "It's not Burt at all." "Well, whoever he is, he's doing a remarkable imitation." "He looks like Burt, sounds like Burt, acts like Burt, but I think it isn't Burt." "[SLOWLY] I see." "And do you also laugh and cry a lot for no reason?" "[LAUGHING]" "No." "Oh." "Because, see, Aunt Augusta used to laugh and cry a lot for no reason." "That's when we knew she was... going." "Jessica, what if it's hereditary?" "What if I'm crazy, like Aunt Augusta?" "I mean, obviously Burt has to be Burt." "Oh, Jess, do you think I'm crazy?" "Well, yes, I think you're a little crazy." "But, Mary, you have been under a tremendous strain lately." "You never sleep." "Because Danny's missing, you're up worrying, because Jodie's always calling about the baby, you're up talking, and because Burt's hormones have gone completely out of whack," "I mean, you're up..." "Well, you're always up." "But, Mary, if you weren't a little crazy, you'd be really crazy." "Then you think I'm fine?" "Absolutely." "[BOTH LAUGH]" "Oh, Jessie, what a relief." "Thank you." "You're welcome." "Now, what did you want to talk to me about?" "Wait a minute." "Come on." "Wait, Saul." "Do you think they saw us?" "No, they're too busy polishing their heads." "Well, here we are." "The beaming room." "What are you...?" "Let's get out of here." "What are you, crazy?" "Wait a second." "Where are you going?" "Saul, please!" "You don't know how to work this machine." "There's a thousand buttons here." "Burty, Burty, Burty..." "I've been here 4000 years." "What do you think I've been doing?" "2000, 3000 years ago," "I finished all the magazines." "I've walked around." "I observed." "I know how to do this." "You sure?" "Trust me." "I will now hit..." "the activating switch." "Huh." "Light switch." "Just testing." "No, not "just testing."" "You don't know what you're doing." "Just go..." "[COMPUTERS THRUMMING] Don't touch that!" "Don't...!" "Oy vey." "What did I do?" "I think you just blew up Saturn." "[THRUMMING STOPS]" "Well, it doesn't matter." "Listen, we haven't got a lot of time." "Get in the cylinder." "Wait a minute." "Are you sure you know what you're doing?" "I'm sure, I'm sure." "I've watched them do it 800, 900 years." "You get in, I'll punch in the directions, and immediately, you will be beamed down, and I will be right behind you." "I..." "[WHIMPERS]" "Hey, wait...!" "Have a delightful journey!" "[BEEPING]" "How do you like that?" "It worked." "Where am I?" "Who is that?" "It's Burt." "Where are you?" "I don't know." "What do you see?" "What does it look like where you are?" "Black." "Just black." "You beamed me to black." "You're probably someplace and it's nighttime." "No, no, it's no place." "I'm telling you, it's black." "I'm in black." "Get me out of here." "I hate it." "All right, all right." "Get back in the cylinder." "I don't know which is worse, this or an English car." "[BEEPING]" "Black?" "You beamed me to black?" "A simple mistake." "Hey, it could have been worse." "I could have beamed you to the Lincoln Tunnel during the rush hour." "Now, get back in." "No, no, no." "I'm..." "I'm not going in." "Listen, I-I-I set the delay, and I'm coming with you." "Now, come on." "Wait, look who I've got for a pilot." "Mr. Magoo." "Come on." "Black!" "We're going to black!" "[♪]" "Well, I've said goodbye to everyone but you." "Mm." "What are you doing?" "Oh, well, I'm..." "practicing." "I've had to do this ever since you've been gone." "Here." "Here, Benson." "Taste." "Oh, no, no, no, Mrs. Tate." "I'm..." "No, I'm full." "I had..." "Just a little sip." "That's awful." "Well, that's what the family's going to have to eat." "You're not making this..." "any easier, you know." "Uh, Benson, please, sit down." "Come on, sit down, right here." "I've got a surprise for you." "What?" "A goodbye cake." "Did you make it?" "Well, of course." "Do I have to eat it?" "You're my best friend, Benson." "Then why are you trying to poison me?" "You're my best friend too, Mrs. Tate." "That doesn't have to stop, huh?" "No." "Well?" "Different." "I knew you'd like it." "Um... you know..." "I didn't take that job at the governor's mansion because I'm unhappy here." "Oh, Benson, I know that." "I mean, my goodness, running the governor's mansion is a wonderful opportunity for you, and they need you." "I mean, this side of the family has a minor snafu once in awhile, but they have problems." "Well..." "I'm glad you understand." "That always was the screwy side of the family, the Gatlings." "Very screwy." "And very rich." "You know, my great-great- great-grandfather, he made a killing in haberdashery." "He..." "He invented those tall hats that the Pilgrims wore." "[SNIFFLES]" "Come..." "Don't do that, Mrs. Tate." "No, I won't." "Because if you do, I will." "Oh, gosh, you mustn't." "I'm not." "[SNIFFLES]" "Well, me neither." "Oh, Benson..." "[SOBBING]" "[SIGHS]" "[QUIETLY] Bye-bye." "Goodbye." "It's really very good." "[♪]" "ANNOUNCER:" "Were Burt and Saul able to beam themselves home?" "If not, did they at least beam themselves to a warm climate?" "Now that Alice is gone, will Mrs. David leave the baby with Jodie?" "How long will Donohue live with the Tates?" "Will he pay rent?" "Will the Major's rescue team ever be called back to action?" "If not, will they be called to entertain at a bar mitzvah?" "Will Mary ever find out if the Burt she thinks isn't Burt really isn't Burt?" "These questions and many others will be answered on the next episode of..." "Soap." "Soap is videotaped before a studio audience."