"¡£projector whirring¡¤" " ¡£sighs¡¤" "¡£pencil scratching¡¤" "¡£typewriter rattling¡¤" "¡£air whooshing¡¤" " Dos passos." "Wow, um..." "No, I'm incredibly flattered, obviously." "I just..." "I would never have made that comparison." "Although, I guess I can see what you're saying, 'cause I mean, I did, obviously, internalize a lot of that stuff." "The book is very- - it's classical." "But I mean, it's also experimental." "It's a very strange novel." "I wasn't setting out to write like any of the great writers." "But I did want to distinguish myself from the, you know, the Franzens and the..." "Lethams and the Eggerses and the Fosters, Wallace." "I mean, look, I'm not talking shit about those guys." "They're" " I suppose they're very good." "I don't read them, but I sort of feel like..." "Well, I sort of feel like the novel, my novel, is very complicated." "No, totally." "Oh, you're right." "Yeah, that's a lot of messages." "Not one phone call?" "." "Well, you should just- - I mean, I don't care." "Fire her." "I mean, that's--accountants are accountants, you know?" "." "Like, you can- - I don't know." "I just" " I don't even- " "I don't even want to..." "I don't care." "I don't want to-- I don't want to know." "I mean, I don't mean to be cold or anything, but..." "Yeah." "Yes." "Yeah, it's actually been an amazing morning, yeah." "I mean, I've gotten a lot of work done." "I think that I'm- - you know, I don't want to jinx anything, but I think I'm sort of-- you know, I think I'm getting there." "Yeah, I think-- I mean..." "Look, we'll hit the deadline or we won't." "I mean, it's like, you've said that a hundred times, so..." "Yeah." "¡£sighs¡¤" "Um, yes, I'm calling for a Mr. Fuckface." "¡£laughing¡¤" "What's up, man?" "." "I'm good." "I'm good." "How are you?" "." "That's-- yeah, it has." "It's been a long time." "Dude..." "I'm just- - hey, how are you?" "." "I'm really" " I don't know how to answer that question." "Um, so no, I just need to tell you- " "like, I don't know, like-- apropos of nothing," "I was in a closet today, and I found-- do you remember that old tweed jacket I used to wear for every second of every day?" "." "So I found that jacket, and I pulled it out, and there was a clinking in the pockets." "And I reached in the pockets, and there were these six little airplane bottles of potato vodka that you gave to me right before my first book tour." "And I just- - I never drank them." "I wanted to save them for a special occasion." "Anyway, what are you... what are you doing tonight?" "." "I just think we need to hang out." "Like, it's been-- it's been... well, let me just ask you, like, have you eaten?" "." "I'm fucking starving to death, literally." "Yeah, I just..." "Are you- - you still work in the same place, right?" "." "'Cause I was thinking you could drive maybe by Taste of India and grab some Indian food and bring it over." "I just feel like Indian food." "I haven't eaten anything today, except, like, I took a- " "I had a weird, like, a bizarre brie incident that I will describe to you in detail." "But, yeah, like, so can you go by Taste of India and..." "Perfect." "I always get the chicken tikka masala." "Yeah, and, like, the saag paneer is really good." "And I like the mulligatawny soup." "And make sure they..." "I mean, make sure there's chicken in it, just 'cause the other- - yeah, it's daal, I think it's called." "Anyway, it's really, really good." "And then just get whatever you want and, you know, some naan or whatever." "And I'll- - it's totally my treat." "I just can't wait to see you." "And we will crack the potato vodka bottles and sort of make a night of it." "All right, cool." "Well, I can't wait to see you, and I'll see you very soon." "Okay, bye." "Dude." " Hey." " Hey." "Welcome." " Thanks." " Um, I ate the couch 'cause I was starving, so..." "But we can have this too." " l..." "I think you're a terrible friend." " ¡£laughs¡¤" "I know." "I think you're- " " You're an asshole." "You've always been..." "You've always been a total asshole and a really terrible friend." "Um..." "I, uh..." " It's just sort of about this sense that a lot of people get, a lot of people my age get, who are sort of in their early, mid- 30s of sort of going through life performing a role, you know," "that you're sort of- - that you're just sort of- - you know, you're trying to seem like something." "And I don't know" "It's hard to describe, I guess, but that's more or less what it's about." "And it's very personal." "It has a lot to do with where I've been in the last" " So you're proud of it?" "." "You're really..." " Yes, I'm very proud of it." "I'm glad it's out there." "I mean, I don't expect it to ever be as popular as the first book, but I kind of" "I think this is my- - this book is sort of my attempt to make peace with that and to say that it's okay with me." " And I mean, I guess along the same lines," "I mean, this being your second novel," "I mean, what was the" " Third novel." "There was another." "There was a second." "This is the third" "Dumb Show is the third novel." "The second novel was Hoarse Salute." "Actually, here, it's..." "That's my copy for the reading, but I'll get you a copy of it." "You know, I was so-- we got so much attention for that first novel and for the, you know, the movie, though the movie never came out and all the other sort of deals that came along with it." "I really wanted to write something experimental and really try and do something new and different and be shocking, if that's what it took, you know?" "." "And what I discovered was that nobody really was interested in that gesture." "And so there is a huge stack of those books in my house- " " Oh, no." " I think it's good, but then again, I don't know." "Anyway, I'll get you one." " Oh, please." "No, please, yeah." "I mean, if it's not out there, definitely." "That's great." "Yay, well, I don't want to take up too much of your time." " I have nothing else to do." " Oh, that's got to be a joke." " No, I wish it were a joke, but there's nothing else for me to do." " Got to rehearse for the... for the lecture, I'm sure." "Can I, um, off the record, do you have a girlfriend?" "." " Um, no, I don't." "That's very encouraging of you to have asked that, though." "Thank you." "The idea to have a girlfriend is pretty- - it's refreshing." "Hadn't thought about that for a while." " Well, if they smell your hair, they might want to- " " That's right, 'cause Aveda products, yeah." "Although, today it'll probably smell just like sort of, you know, motel- " " Generic shampoo." " Motel shampoo." " The title is "Shampoo."" " Yes." " Yeah, yeah." "Wow, um, well, I don't want to, you know, bore you with any more silly questions." " Please, it's not boring at all." "It's really- - it's very- - it's refreshing." " Well, I'm so thrilled to come to your lecture." "If there's ever a huge fan, that is I." "I am your biggest fan." "I mean, I'll be there tonight with, you know, a sign- " " Oh, excellent." " A big copy of your book cover, yeah." " Is it gonna say, like, "John 3:.1 5" or whatever?" "." " Yeah, definitely, Bible verses, all the way." "Yeah, well..." " The Bible of novels." " Yes." "¡£laughs¡¤" "I'll be dressed as Mary Magdalene, so..." " Oh, good." "I'm sure you'll be easy to spot, although kids today..." " Yeah, well, yeah." "They say they see me in chips, you know?" "." " ¡£laughs¡¤" " Well, thank you." "Thank you so much." " My pleasure." "Thank you." "Thanks for your interest." " Oh, of course." "Any time." "Yeah." "And off the record, I'd date you." " Aw." " Okay, yeah, I would, yeah." " Yeah, make sure that's off the record." "Don't want that getting around." " Well, yay, well, thank you so much for your time." " Yeah, thank you." " Can I get a hug from you, 'cause I feel like I kind of know you." " Yeah, yeah, okay." " Thanks." "Yay." "Well, thank you." " Thank you." " Oh." "You're a good hugger." " Um, thank you." " Wait, wait, before I go, can I get this copy signed?" "." " Yeah, yeah." " My boyfriend's a huge fan and..." " Your- - oh, really?" "." " Yeah, he, yeah, loves your work." "I think if he doesn't have to work, he'll come to the lecture too." "We'll both be, "Whoo!" "."" " Aw, awesome." " Like a pro." "Thank you so much." " Oh, thank you very much." " Thank you." " Um, see you tonight?" "." " Yeah, all right." "Thank you." "Thank you." " All right." " Bye." " Bye." "¡£pencil scratching¡¤" "Boyfriend." "¡£somber instrumental music¡¤" "* *" "¡£bell dings¡¤" "¡£knocking on door¡¤" "¡£horse chuffs¡¤" " Hey, there." " Hey." " Is Dylan home?" "." " No, I haven't seen him." " Could you do me a favor?" "." " Yeah." " Could you put these inside for me?" "." " Uh, sure." "Is that a gun?" "." " Yeah." "Cougar." "See you." " See you." "Hello?" "." "¡£engine rumbling¡¤" "Surprise!" "." "¡£laughs¡¤" " I think, uh-- I had a feeling you'd be here." "I think it was the Prius blocking my driveway that tipped me off." " Right." "Oh, yeah, sorry." "Sorry about that." "Your gate was locked, so I just figured I would leave my car up there and vault the fence like an Olympic athlete." "You should've been there." " Well, do you want to come in, or do you want to keep sitting in pinesap?" "." " Uh, well, I'll come in." "Right." "This is sort of an awkward question, but does sap come out of jeans?" "." " Yeah." "You have to soak them in vegetable oil, and kerosene will get it out too." " Okay." "Um..." "This is a really nice place." "Is this all wood?" "." " It's all wood." " Um, it's really- " "I mean, it's pretty out here." "It's... a little remote." "You know, I had to" "I was giving- " "I was doing a reading at Whitman College, and I figured eastern Washington, you live in eastern Washington." "I figured I would just, you know- - how, you know- " "I would just come here after the reading." "And, you know, it seemed like it was in the same neighborhood- ish, and so I- " " You know Walla Walla's four hours away from here." " Yeah." "Yes, almost exactly four hours, as I learned on the four-hour drive from Walla Walla to here." "Um..." "But, you know, it was a nice drive." "It was pretty." "People talk about eastern Washington" "like it's some kind of fucking hell on earth, but I thought it was actually quite pretty." "Um..." "That's a lot of logs out there." "Again, the wood theme." " We're in the woods." " Yes, literally." "But yeah, I just- - you know, I'm not in eastern Washington all that often, as you may or may not know." "But I just figured- - I don't know" "I really- - thought I was gonna be here, you know, you lived here, and I just thought it would be nice to..." " How'd you find the place?" "." " Uh..." "I went to your office looking for you, 'cause that was the address I had." "And... they told me where you live with, like- " "I could've been anybody." "I still got really, incredibly, super- embarrassingly lost." " Do you want something to drink?" "." " Yes." "That would be great." "Anything would be really good." " I've got beer or heavy cream." " Hm." "Let's-- I'll start with beer." "And then we'll just sort of see how it goes." "Thank you." "Um..." "So I was in here earlier before you showed up." "I came inside." "I've been here for a while." "And I was outside, sitting there, and your friend with the horse and the gun, he gave me that bag and said, "Please put it inside."" "He didn't actually say "please."" "And he didn't give it to me so much as throw it around where I was, but I got it." "And I came inside and put it down, and that was all." "I just- - and I went back out." " It's fine." " Okay, I just, you know- " "like, I didn't want to just be taking liberties and stuff." " Well, I'm sorry I wasn't here when you got here." "I was out shooting pictures for an article." " Oh, yeah?" "." " Yeah." "Um, you are a photographer also?" "." " I'm everything at this paper." " It's good to be everything." " What was the story?" "." " Log jam." "You hungry?" "." " Yes." "I'm incredibly hungry." "Are you hungry?" "." " Yeah." " These aren't normal beans either, are they?" "." "They're not- - I mean..." " Well, they're regular beans." "The thing about having a beard... food everywhere." " Instant leftovers." " Instant leftovers." "And you smell it on your mustache the next day, which can be good..." " I guess it depends on the food." " Yeah." " Yeah." "You want to probably have to think about food in a totally different way." " Yeah, well, and you have to- " " You think about not just the smell of the moment but the longevity of the smell." " And I really have to be careful not to smear it all over my face," "like I usually do." " Yeah." "Yeah, I mean, a typical night for me," "I'll just smear a jar of peanut butter all over my body and let the cats lick it off." " Yeah, yeah." " It's a good night." " Mm-hmm." "You still have that cat, that black one?" "." " No." " What happened?" "." " ¡£sighs¡¤" "Um..." "¡£clears throat¡¤" "Well, it..." "Technically, she committed suicide." " ¡£laughing¡¤" " I mean, I don't think that cats do." "I don't think that cats can." "It's just, the cat fell out of a window that, I mean, technically, she couldn't have fallen out of." "She had to have jumped." "But I don't know." "It was--I mean, it was really sad, but it was also strangely embarrassing." "And the people at the, you know, the animal control were really, like- - they were really accusatory." "But it's not like I didn't take care of the cat, you know?" "." "I really- " " You really loved that cat." " I loved that cat." "But, yeah." "She is-- she's gone." " That's too bad." " Well, it's probably better off." "Um, yeah, dark and also incredibly quiet." " Yeah." " It's, I mean-- it's scary." "For me, it's unsettling just 'cause I never have, you know- " "I've never been out of the city for very long." " It definitely took some getting used to." "But you know, you get used to it." "You definitely get used to the quiet and the dark and..." "I've made some friends with the local wildlife." " ¡£chuckles¡¤" "What kind of animals do you have to encounter around here?" "." "'Cause I read a thing that said black bear, you know?" "." " Black bears are-- they're dangerous." "I won't lie to you." " Thank you." "For that, I thank you." " I mean, they will- " " If not for the pork and beans." " They will kill you as soon as look at you." " Yeah, 'cause they're bears." " And oftentimes, they won't look at you at all." "They'll just- - they'll kill you without- - no look, swipe." "But they usually hide in the mountains." "And they don't come out unless there's no food up in the mountains." "And so, I mean, the bears kind of keep clear." "And we keep our doors shut, and we throw away any- - we don't let food set out." "And there are rules of living in the forest." "And, you know, you don't lie, say, covered with peanut butter." " Um, okay." "Fair enough." " Oh, and there are big cats." "And there are, like, mountain lions and cougars." " That guy with the gun..." " Jim." " Jim." "He had a gun." "He had a rifle across his lap." "And I was like, "Hey."" "You know, I was like, "Hey, fella, is that a gun?"" " Yeah, Jim's pretty great." "He's very unique." "He's a great guy." "I mean, hopefully you'll get to know him if you decide to stick around, but..." " Um, I would love to stick around." " Yeah, you should." "I mean, it's too dark to..." "You're not gonna find your way." " Yeah." "I mean, broad daylight, there's no way I could find my way back to my car at this point." "But he said-- Yeah, he's like" "I said, "ls that a gun," and he's like, "Yeah."" "And he just said, "Cougar."" " ¡£laughing¡¤" " Which, I assume, means that" "I mean, that's probably not the name of his gun." " He thought that was your name." " ¡£laughs¡¤" "That is my spirit name and my spirit animal." " Yeah." " Yeah, so there's a cougar on the loose?" "." " Yeah, they keep him in captivia." "Captivia." "I said "captivia."" " I drive a captivia." " Bridge to Captivia?" "." "Great book." "No, the cougars are- - they live here." "They live in the mountains, and they live around." "Again, like bears, if they feel threatened or hungry, they'll come after something with two legs, but generally, they don't." " Any old thing with two legs?" "." " Yeah." "Mostly toddlers." " Well, toddlers are delicious." " They are delicious." "Actually, the sausage..." " Toddler, roasted red pepper, and corn." " That's what they raise 'em for out here." " So there's one thing I've been wanting to ask you ever since I got in here." "Where is the other antler?" "." " ¡£laughs¡¤" " And did you- - I mean, did you bag this beast?" "." "I mean, look at the bone fragments, and there's hair on there." " That's not my handiwork." " You could never have done this when I knew you." " No, I didn't do it." " Where did you- - you didn't find it, did you?" "." " I found it, yeah." " And it's attached to the skull." "I guess I always sort of assumed that it just sort of started right there on the scalp." " Well, hunters are brutal sometimes." "They don't stuff all of their kills." "They sometimes just hack it to pieces in the woods." " Wow." " Yeah." " And drink the blood." "You've done that, right?" "." "You've hunted and stuff?" "." "Did you drink the blood?" "." " Yeah." " Was it awesome?" "." "¡£laughs¡¤" " No, I've never-- I haven't gone out hunting." " Well... well, you'll be a man one day." "You can do that." "I'm a little concerned with the fact that you have so many different kinds of beer." "But I guess that's just the way it is in the country." " Well, this doesn't seem like you have much concern for..." " I know." "I mean, I'm getting over it." "Well, here's to, you know, everything being good again." " I don't- - you know, I don't want you to think that everything's all right." "I know it's-- it's good to see you, and I'm glad that you made it, and I'm glad that, you know, we had sausage and beans and everything, but..." "I..." "I think you're still an asshole, you know?" "." "I'm gonna go outside and think." "I need some air." "¡£door closes¡¤" "¡£wood splitting¡¤" "That was good." " I've never seen anyone doing that in real life before." " It's called splitting wood." "You want to help?" "." " Um, it's not that I don't want to... exactly." " Yeah." "Hey, you met Jim yesterday, right?" "." " Yeah." " Eric, Jim, Jim, Eric." " Hey, how's it going?" "." " Hey, man." " Hey, did you want some coffee?" "." "I think there's some in the cupboard if you want to make some." " Uh, okay." "Are you gonna split all of those logs?" "." " Yep." "We had to cut this tree up the other day." "And now we're gonna burn it..." "just out of spite." " Sometimes that's the best thing you can do." "I'd love to help, but I only brought this, so... it just seems like it would be an insult to everybody." "I'll make the coffee." " All right." " Are you guys drinking coffee?" "." " Yeah, I'll have some." " I'm good." " Okay." " Thanks, Eric." " Yeah." " Yeah!" "I own you." " Do it." " You ever wonder what it would be like to bury an axe into somebody's head?" "." " Sure." "That's natural." " I just think about it sometimes." " I say we just fucking burn it." " Yeah, or blow it up." "Can we get explosives in town?" "." " Mm-hmm." "What would Dracula do?" "." "Nothing." " Probably nothing, yeah, he'd probably- " " Do absolutely nothing." " Turn into a bat, at best." " And leave." " Yeah, he'd" " Make like Dracula and leave." " Yeah." " This doesn't make any sense." "¡£sighs¡¤" "Um, so could you make a..." "like a burl clock out of that even though it isn't technically driftwood?" "." " Yeah, that's kind of what I planned to do." "Actually, there's one inside there." " You just have to find it." " Yeah." " That's the sculpted..." " I've got to" " I've got to..." "I've got to make sure that I get it out of the wood intact." " Um, well, I was just in there reading the book about spiders and their kin, and I got a little creeped out, so I thought maybe I'd go for a walk." "So anything good to see around here?" "." " Yeah, you know what?" "." "There's a path down to the river right there." "It just goes right down." "You have to stay to the right, but just- - you'll see it." "It'll take you to the river." " And..." "Jim, did you say there was a cougar around?" "." " Yeah, he's around." " Uh, is it likely that I'm going to run into him or anything?" "." " Well, if you do, scream." " Yeah, make yourself- - just make yourself big and loud." "Just make- - just, like, stand as tall as you can." "Right?" "." " Yeah." " Really?" "." "Just if I see it anywhere, just be really- " "I don't want to maybe just, like--I don't know" " Well, you could run." " Yeah, but the cougar can run really fast." " Yeah, you don't want to run." " Well, you know, you're damned if you do..." " Right." " They're hard to predict." "But I think, you know, big..." " Loud." " Loud." " Um, all right, maybe I should stay in and read some more about spiders." " It's a freaky book." "I don't know." " Yeah." "I mean, what are the odds?" "." "It's a big river." " Yeah." " There's no way of knowing." " Cougars don't like water." "Cats don't like water." "They tend to stay away from rivers." " Especially if they have rabies." "You know, rabies is just hydrophobia, fear of water." " That's not true." " Okay." "Well, I'm gonna go down there and check it out." " Have a good time." " All right." "Stay to the right?" "." " Yeah, to the right." "Just follow the" " My right?" "." " Yeah, well, not your right now." "Turn around and to your right." " Okay." " Yeah, now to your right." " Okay." " Just stay on the path... of righteousness." " Nice axe work there, buddy." "You want to trade in a minute?" "." " Yes." " Well, tough shit." "¡£making robot stomping sounds¡¤" "Rrr..." "I have the strength of ten trees." " Chopping wood all day." "That's...good." "Nice." "What are you doing?" "." " I don't know." " What are you, gay?" "." " Yeah, probably." "Play a little T- ball, little stickball." "Jesus." "What the fuck..." " I'm gonna fuck this rock up." "Do it, do it, do it." "Do it." " Here's a good rock." " Hey, who wants to join the polar bear club?" "." " Thought the cougar got you." " That cougar was no match for me." "What's happening?" "." " How you doing?" "." " Hey, I'm not doing anything, just checking out your river." " Yeah, it's pretty nice, huh?" "." " It is, you know, for a river." "I mean, I've seen better, not many." " Do you want to skip some rocks?" "." " Yes, I tried to do that earlier." "It didn't work out that well." "I don't think I ever gained that technique." "Maybe it was just the poor rock selection." " Yeah, that's probably it." " I'm sure that's what it is." "My technique is obviously flawless." " I'd blame the rocks." " It's a poor musician who blames his tools." "Something like that." "I'm working on it." "I'm not ready yet." "What have you guys been up to?" "." " Chopping wood all day." "¡£somber guitar music¡¤" "* *" " Hey, Dylan, did you get those books?" "." " They're in the green bag, actually." " Oh, yeah." "Thank you." " This one's really good." " The women..." "or Women." " Yeah." " You've read Bukowski, haven't you?" "." " Uh, yeah, yes." "Not extensively, but I've read some Bukowski." " You should read more." "He's the Shakespeare of drinking, fucking, and puking." " ¡£laughs¡¤" "I think that's" "I think that's probably true, actually." "Although, you know, there is some drinking and fucking in Shakespeare, not a lot of puking." " That's where he comes in." " Yeah, I mean, I really..." "I have to admit that I sort of" "I had a Bukowski period." " Bew-kowski." " Where you liked Bukowski?" "." " Well, I mean" "I don't know." "I guess I just sort of go back and forth, 'cause I feel like he was a drunk and a, like, wife beater and a, like, total degenerate slob." "But he did dedicate his life to writing, so you got to admire at least his dedication." "But there's moments in the poems that are really pretty beautiful." "I mean, whatever." "I haven't really read- " "I haven't read all of it, 'cause I don't think you can." "I think, like, you could start today and never read everything he ever wrote." "Fuck." "That's some-- that plum brandy is pretty good." " I brought another, my friend." " All right." " I'll match your tongue." " So how did you get into- - how were you introduced to Bukowski, Jim?" "." " Friend of mine." "We were younger." " Yeah." " He read everything." "I don't read that much, so everything he read back in high school" "I've been reading one book at a time per year." "So he's an easy read." "I mean..." "I don't like to read that much, but I do like-- he keeps it pretty simple, so..." " One book per year or one book at a time..." " I usually finish a book a year and start about three." "I always find myself able to finish Bukowski because he doesn't fuck around." "There's no..." "nothing." "I can understand what he's saying." " There's no even compound sentences, really." " Yeah." " Which is pretty good, actually, if you can do that." " I think he's good." " Yeah, I mean, I had real problem with him at a certain point, 'cause I thought it was, you know, artless." "But now that's sort of what I like about him." " He's got something." " He's got cirrhosis of the liver." " Well, he did." " Yeah." " Got to have something." "So what do you do, man?" "." " Um, I write books." " That's what Dylan told me." "He told me you wrote words." " I do write words, largely." "I specialize in words." "But when they come all together, they turn into books, when it goes correctly." "And I usually finish about one every two years." " If you're writing or if you're reading?" "." " Writing." "I read a few more." " You write about twice what I read." " Or half." "I write half of what you read." " You got me on that one." " I'm not a math magician, but..." " Another to mass magicians, mass magicians." " To the mass magicians." "And all night long," "I was just trying to, like, you know, saying charming things to get her to sort of notice that I was sitting next to her, but she just never did, the whole night, the whole night." "And it was like ten hours." " But she was sitting this close to you?" "." " Yes, and I think maybe one time she looked over and went like this and then went back over to her boyfriend." "And I was just, like, feeling increasingly alienated and dislocated and just, like- " "I don't know." "The way my life was at that point was very bizarre." "And anyway, she stood up at one point and was talking to somebody else that was passing by 'cause it was just a night- - everybody in this bar was, like, really famous with the exception of myself and maybe one or two waiters." "And she stood up at one point, and she had" "I mean, her ass was right there in front of my face," "like, it couldn't" "Like, my face could've been inside her ass, 'cause it was that close to me." "And she stood there for what felt like--I don't know" "like a half an hour talking to this person." "And her ass paid more attention to me than she did the whole night long." "And I was looking at it, and, I mean, I felt weird 'cause her boyfriend was right there." "And I didn't-- I mean" "But then again, at the same time, it's Liv Tyler's ass, you know, like literally right in front of my face." "And I was staring at it because it was hypnotic." "And I just didn't- - I just had- - there was nothing I could do but look deep, deep into the soul of Liv Tyler's ass, which was at eye- - we were making eye contact." "If her ass had eyes," "I would've been looking deep, deep into her eyes." "And then she sat down next to me, and I felt like I had a secret from her that I didn't know how to tell." "And it was really awkward." "And, you know, sooner or later, she gave me another, like..." "And then her boyfriend gave me a look that I couldn't really quite decipher," "like, it was-- like maybe he knew." "But I'm sure he looks at her ass all the time." "He probably gets tired of looking at it, actually." "So there I was, and that was the night." "And I just sort of felt like that was the level that I had reached in life." "Like, I got to be at the table with Liz Tyler, but I only got to talk to her ass." " Have a telepathic conversation with her butt hole." " Now, did..." " Teach her how to smile and use a period." " ¡£laughing¡¤" " That's what I'm talking about." " Yeah, a little punctuation." " That's true." "Is there any more..." "Serbian." " It's not Serbian, dude." "All right, this is to Liv Tyler's asshole." " I feel like I shouldn't drink to it, 'cause it's like violating a friendship or something." " Shut up." "¡£glasses clank¡¤" "Shut up." "Shut up." " God!" "Fuck." "I wish I knew some Polack jokes." "I think that would liven the mood." " Yep." " What's black and white and has a dirty name?" "." " What?" "." " Sister Mary Fuckface." " ¡£laughing¡¤" " I can never remember a joke." " I can't either." " I always- - but that's something I really wish I knew how to do is tell jokes, but I just could never do it." "Play jokes- - or tell jokes and play an instrument." "I could never do either one of those." " You could play." " I really, really can't, as Dylan will happily tell you." "Don't get me started on this administration and the immigration policies, because I didn't come here to talk about politics." "I came here to drink." " What did you- " " I came here to drank." " Drank." " And I'm gon' drank." " Drank." " I'm here to drank, and I'm gon' drank." " I came here to drink." " I came here to drink plum brandy from Serbo-Croatian territories." " I thought you weren't gonna talk politics." " It's inevitable." "It's-- it's ineluctable." " Now you're just making up words." " It's incontrovertible." "¡£laughing¡¤" "¡£guitar strumming¡¤" "* *" " You guys are fucking boring me." " I thought that was just the music." " Yeah, maybe that's what it was." " Uh, don't eat those." "Those are terrible." " Those are ends." "Those are ends and pieces." " Dog food." " Tits and vits." " Give me it." " What do you guys wanna do?" "." " I want to rock." " I think we should try to catch that cougar tonight." " Yeah, I agree." "¡£guitar plucking¡¤" " Have you not learned a new Spanish guitar riff in the last 27 years?" "." " I'm serious." "I think we should get that fucking cougar tonight." " Shut up, man." "Did you know... that he has only ever played that on the guitar?" "." "That's the only thing he can play." "That's one more thing than I can play, in fairness." "But goddamn." " And it makes me really popular at bullfights." " I think I'm gonna take two more shots of that and go find that cougar." " We're not hunting a cougar tonight." " I'm gonna do it." "¡£snacks crumbling¡¤" " That could've been your face!" " ¡£laughing¡¤" " Hammer-on." "You like the hammer-on." " What is this?" "." "I spent about an hour trying to figure this out earlier today." " It's a puzzle." " I know it's a puzzle." " Dude..." " I'm not trying to be... a dick." "I'm not trying to, like, bring..." " What is wrong?" "." " I'm not, but I mean, even you can recognize the irony of you being a journalist." " There's nothing ironic about that." " It's literally the definition of irony." " Right." " You're a journalist, and you flunked journalism." " I didn't flunk." " That's all I'm saying." "It's great." "It's a triumph." " I didn't flunk." "I took a W-7." " Right, you got a zero in it." "That's not flunking, I guess." " I withdrew with seven weeks." "I withdrew a W-7 in the semester." "It was perfectly legal." "And I got an incomplete." " And what happens to an incomplete?" "." "What happens to an incomplete if you don't make it up?" "." "It turns into a 0.0." "I only say that 'cause it happened to me like 20 times before I dropped out of college." "It's nothing to be ashamed of." " I'm not ashamed of it." "I didn't flunk." " Then why are you so fucking uptight about it?" "." "You're a journalist, and you deserve congratulations." " You're totally attacking me about this." "It's completely false, and you're being hypocrit- " "You're the fucking one who's like" "You're the fucking hypocrite." "You're the hypocrite." "You're the one who fucking came in here all about Charles Bukowski." "I love Bukowski." "How many hours did I have to listen to you talk about how much you fucking hated Bukowski?" "." ""l hate Bukowski." "Oh, Bukowski." ""Anybody who reads Bukowski is a fucking subliterate" ""pseudo- intellectual moonshine- jockey redneck who doesn't deserve to breathe the air we all breathe."" "How- - like, you just went off about Bukowski and how much you hate him." " Fuck you both!" " You shut up!" " Let's go hunt this cougar." "I'm serious." " What, you want to go hunt the cougar right now?" "." " Yeah, let's fucking go." " All right." " Let's go." " Fucking let's go." " All right." " I'm bringing this." " Do it." " Get a flashlight." " Fuck you." "¡£heavy breathing¡¤" " It's fucking cold." "It's fucking dark." " Shh!" " So how much do you know about cougars, for real?" "." " They're more scared of us than we are of them." " That's what they say about every animal, and yet animals kill people every day." " Yeah, bec-- shut up." " I mean, can-- they can- " "So let's say there's a cougar right over there." "You have to pretend you know what I'm talking about because I'm pointing, and it's pitch black." "It can see us, right, 'cause it has night vision?" "." "I'd say that puts us at a disadvantage." " God, this is ridiculous." " What is it-- how does a cougar- - how does a cougar kill?" "." "Does it, like- - does it swipe you with its massive paw, or..." " Shut up." " Does it eat you alive and show you your own beating heart while you're still dying?" "." "I'm only asking because I want to know." " You know, cougars out here?" "." " Yeah." " Those are the least of your worries." "You got to watch out for black bears." "Those things are mean too." "They don't kill you right away." "They'll tear off a limb and just wait for you to bleed out and just watch you and play with you." "And you can only hope that the cougars get to you first out here, man." "Black bears are the worst." "They'll fuck you up." " You're fucking with me." "None of that's true." "You said before, black bears are no big deal." " Yeah, they're no big deal if you're not around them." "They're no big deal if they're behind, like, glass..." "Or dead." " Well, yeah, not that much of a big deal if it's behind glass or dead." " Except werewolves." "And zombies are bad." " And Frankensteins." " Even those are undead, but..." " Have you ever seen an undead black bear?" "." " Not yet." " What about..." "What about Edgar Winter's Frankenstein?" "." " If we run in to Edgar Winter, you have my permission to kill him and eat him." " I'm gonna play with him first." " I'd advise against it." " I'm not ripping off his fret hand, though." "That would be" " That's just mean." " That would be a crime against humanity." " That's just mean." " Is it Edgar Winter, or who's the other Winter?" "." " Shelley?" "." " Shelley- - ¡£laughs¡¤" " Shh!" " Okay, so the trail sort of ends here." "We've kind of got to blaze our own." "What we're gonna do is hop over this log and take a left and jump over these trees." "There's a little barbed wire, so watch out." " ¡£laughing¡¤" "Okay, I know- " " I'm glad you guys think this is fucking funny, but this cougar is smart, and I think he's following us." "So if you want to live through this, you'll do what I say." "Get down." "Get down." "I think we're almost there." "I've seen him up on this ridge before." " Uh..." " We're gonna flank him to the left." "Be really quiet." "Follow me." " Did he just say "flank him"?" "." " Yeah, I just realized that the cougar was the mascot of my junior high school." "I'm not sure how I feel about this anymore." "We should follow him." " Yeah." " Have any more of that brandy?" "." "Did you bring the brandy?" "." " Uh, I dropped it... back a ways when we were crossing that ravine." " Fuck." "This is the wrong place." " What?" "." " What?" "." " Wrong ridge." "We got to..." "We got to turn..." " The ridge." " I can smell..." " Fuck." " Dude..." " Yeah." " We'll never get to Mordor at this rate." " ¡£laughs¡¤" " It's like the word "douchebag," you know?" "." "Like, everybody says it again, and that's great, but we live in a relatively douche-free world." " Yeah, nobody douches." " Shut your fucking mouths and keep up with me." " Okay." " All right." " Well, if you're French, douching makes a lot of sense." " Yeah, that's true." "That's just good policy." " I said, "Shut the fuck up!"" " Okay, okay, okay." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." " Put the gun down." "Jesus Christ." " You two fuckers stay here and don't follow me." "I could give a shit what happens to you." " He just pointed a gun..." " Yeah." " At you." " At you." " You were laughing." " He pointed..." " Jim, be careful." "I think there might be a cougar out there." "That's weird." "That's unusual." "That's the first time that's happened to me in a while... with a gun being pointed at me by some weird dude." " Uh, where did he go?" "." " Um..." " That was really- - I was a little scared." " Yeah, well, it's weird," "like when a gun gets pointed at you and the person holding it looks like they might actually want to kill you..." "Is he always like that?" "." " He's intense, you know?" "." " He's a little intense." "Well, at least it's freezing." " Yeah." " Um, do you know where we are?" "." " No, I have no idea." " Well, that's good." "Hey, um, you know what this reminds me of?" "." "This reminds me of that time we stayed up all night drinking and then went out in the forest to hunt a cougar." " ¡£laughing¡¤" "I remember that." "I think I've just been dumped." " You mean by a heterosexual male friend?" "." " I know." "It's weird." "Has that ever happened to you?" "." " I think I would remember." "¡£chuckling¡¤" "¡£somber guitar music¡¤" "* *" " Yeah, I've always wondered about, you know, like, noise- canceling headphones, that technology." "I don't understand why they can't just use it for a house or a car or something." "You should do that here." " Or a person." " ¡£laughs¡¤" "Yeah." " I would love that." " I'm sorry, dude." "Are you trying to sleep?" "." " Noise- canceling technology for people." "¡£mimics white noise¡¤" "That would be so great." " That would be great." " Hey, Eric." "¡£mimics white noise¡¤" " ¡£laughing¡¤" "Okay." "Oh, um, geography question:" "do you know the capital of Thailand?" "." " Don't." " That was not-- I totally wouldn't." " I'm serious." " I'm serious too." "I've never been more serious about anything in my life." "¡£laughing¡¤" "Doing the crossy, eh?" "." "I got to say, man, this is a pretty amazing life you have here." "It's really... it's really unexpected, but it's really, like- - it's impressive." "It's really beautiful." "I mean, even the air." " You're so full of shit." " Why is this shit always so fucking hard?" "." "All right." "¡£chortles¡¤" "Um... so we should, you know, do this again sometime." " Yeah, yeah." "Hey, next time, let me know, and I'll get a parking pass for you." " Okay, that would be great." "Excellent." "All right, well, that's something to look forward to." " Safe drive." " All right, see you." "Subtitles By GDING"