"[Crow caws]" "Tag:" "We got to clear a whole path for him." "Hey, dad." "Grandpa's brother's coming over here." " Why?" " I'll tell you why." "'Cause he's old and he thinks we're gonna die." "Okay." "But why is he coming here?" "Frankie?" "W..." "look, my mom's out of town on her red hat society Riverboat Cruise, and Uncle Dutch is coming here 'cause..." "He's coming here 'cause I don't want to be stuck in my house just me and him." "My brother's not much of a talker." "He's not a natural conversationalist, like me." "I like him already." "Look, Mike, you know I've had a pain in my heart that my dad and his brother have had this rift." "And now he's reaching out to him after all these years." "You know I always say "you do for family."" "Well, do before they're dead." "That's my new one." "Hey!" "Less chatty-chatty over there and more worky-worky." "You got to move that table there in case he's in a wheelchair." "I mean, heaven knows what kind of shape he's in." "He's older than me." "[Door closes]" "Axl, the worst thing that could ever happen to me has happened to me." "I got detention." "Hm." "What'd you do..." "over-decorate your locker?" "No." "Remember how you're not allowed to leave campus at lunch?" "Well, some kids were going to Arby's because they were serving beanies and weenies in the cafeteria that day, and I got busted." "Did you guys sneak off campus?" "Did I teach you nothing?" "!" "You always point to the person on your right." "Ugh." "This isn't funny, Axl!" "I am gonna have a permanent black mark on my record." "Plus, how am I supposed to tell mom and dad?" "How?" "!" "Here's how you tell mom and dad." "[Snaps fingers]" "What's that?" "Charades?" "[Gasps]" "You think I should tell them in a game so they won't be so mad." "No." "You're not gonna tell them at all." "What?" "!" "First, I'm breaking school bylaws, and now I'm withholding information from my parents." "Who am I?" "!" "Geez, I'm sorry I'm not helping, but this damn arthritis in my hip." "No need to explain why you're not helping, Tag." "You set the bar pretty low." "Hey!" "Rug on a rug." "That's like a deathtrap." "And move that ottoman there." "He'll trip right over that thing." "[Knock on door]" "Hello, Heck family. [Chuckles]" "Uh-oh." "Rug on a rug... that's a deathtrap." "Uncle Dutch!" "[Both laugh]" "Here's your cane, Mike." "And this is my husband, Mike." "Mike, don't forget your cane." "He's got a pain in his hip." "Tell him, Mike." "[Sighs] Yeah." "I do." "But, uh, lately, it's been moving a little farther south." " Nice to finally meet you, Dutch." " Likewise, Mike." "I'm sorry it couldn't have been a little sooner." "There is the guy I want to see." "Get over here, buddy." "Ahh, you get over here." "[Both laugh]" "Standing and hugging is for strangers." "Plus, I don't want to show Mike up with my great hip." "Frankie:" "Aww!" "So, how are you, Uncle Dutch?" "How are things in Vegas?" "Got to be more exciting than Orson." "Well, I'm keeping myself busy." "Business has been pretty good, though." "I probably work too hard, but it keeps me young." "Sure don't keep him humble." "So, what exactly you do out there, Dutch?" "I'm in the vac business." "Oh, just like grandpa Tag." "Well, actually, I was in the vac biz." "Now I've got a little carpet-cleaning company." "Oh, it's not little." "It's huge." "Dutch's speedy clean." "They call him the king of carpets." "He's even in the commercials." "Wait." "You're actually on TV?" "Do you know David Tutera?" "Axl:" "Oh, my God." "Sue, they don't care about that." "Have you met the Godaddy Girl from the Super Bowl commercials?" "[Chuckling] Oh, no." "Just a little local commercial." "I sing a jingle, you know?" "Nothing glamorous." "You sing a jingle?" "!" "I love jingles!" "Can you sing it for us right now?" "[Chuckling] You don't want to hear this old guy sing." "Can I borrow your cane?" "Thank you." "[Laughs]" "And it goes something like this." "♪ To keep your carpets spick-and-span ♪" "♪ Call Dutch, the magic carpet man ♪" "And then I do a little bit of a dance thing." "And wherever my feet were, the carpet cleans." "[Gasps, laughs]" "♪ Well, you think I can't, well, yes, I can ♪" "♪ I'm Dutch, the magic carpet man ♪" "♪ Bah dum dum ♪" "[Laughter]" "You know what time the "wheel" comes on?" "You know, the real talent in this family is this guy right here." "When we were in high school, we did a little number." "We used to do it on the local talent contest." "I'm darned if we didn't win every time." "We were even asked to be on the Cletus Wilson radio show." "Hey!" "Let's show 'em what we got." "[Groans] Dad!" "Come on, Tag, we'll do a few bars, a few dance steps, and Bob's your Uncle." "Wait." "We have another Uncle in the family I don't know about?" "This is like the "Secret Family" episode of "Cateline."" "No, son, it's an expression, like an idiom." "Oh!" "I love idioms." "Actually, I have a whole book of them." "Do you want me to go get it and I can read you some?" "Brick, he's here to sing and dance and reunite with his estranged brother, not to hear you read." "Go ahead, guys." "Come on, Tag." "Let's show 'em what we got." "Can't." "Mike's got to take a whiz, and he needs my help getting to the can." "I mean, the guy's got a bladder like a spaghetti strainer." "Hey, Axl!" "Psst!" "There's been a development." "I know... you're getting uglier." "I don't need an update." "I'm looking right at ya." "[Laughs]" "God." "[Sighs] Okay." "I just got an e-mail from the school." "I didn't just get regular detention." "I got Saturday detention." "Whoa!" "On a first violation... that is hard-core." "Yeah." "They said 'cause school's ending soon, they're just throwing everyone in on a Saturday." "That means I am gonna be in with the skateboarders, the girl with the black lipstick, people who wear t-shirts with offensive slogans." "Relax." "I've done a few Saturday tours." "Now, if you want to get out of there with both your eyebrows, [snaps fingers] Listen and learn." "Okay." "Number 1, do not bring that binder." "Number 2, you're gonna want to buy some protection, so you want to load up on the snacks, you know?" "Goldfish, candy bars..." "Kit Kats... they're great 'cause you can break them up into fours." "And then I'll be okay?" "Oh, no." "No, no, no." "I'll be amazed if you survive." "But hey, at least your last meal will be candy." "Well, when you called me at work, you never mentioned this was gonna be a slumber party." "Oh, wait." "You never called me at work." "All right, would you let it go already?" "The important thing is, my dad and his brother are reuniting." "I don't know what show you're watching, but I'm not getting the sense this thing's gonna have a happy ending." "What are they even fighting about, anyway?" "Why can't I remember what it is?" "It doesn't matter." "Look, what matters is that they're here now, and it's our job to facilitate the healing." "[Sighs] I already got a lot of jobs, Frankie." "And if I'm ranking them according to preference, facilitating the healing doesn't even make the list." "You know what your problem is?" "You're a naysayer." "People say things, and you "nay" them." "I'm not a naysayer." "I'm a realist." "Trust me... people don't change." "Your problem is you're always holding on to hope." "I'm telling you... once you let go of hope, it's very freeing." "[Sighs]" "[Groans]" "[Laughter]" "Oh, my God." "You know, but I think my favorite story is, we were cleaning the carpets at Caesars Palace." "I met Don Rickles." "Together:" "No!" "Did he say "Don Rickles"?" "Maybe we should go in there." "You don't want to go in there." "It's boring." "[Laughter]" "So, anyway..." "I go back in to pick up the steam cleaner." "Rickles thinks I'm the waiter." "So I didn't want to correct Don Rickles, so I said, "may I take your order, sir?"" "And he says..." "Oh, you can take my order." "I'll have a large plate of "shut your trap."" "[Laughter]" "Wait!" "What did Rickles say?" "!" "Who cares?" "Listen to him going on there." ""Blah, blah, blah."" "You have no idea what it's like, Mike." "Oh, I got some idea." "Okay." "I don't know what you people did to get in here." "I don't want to know." "Bottom line... you're on tink time now." "And that means no smoking, no texting, no sexting, no mexting..." "Yeah, that's Mexican texting, where you write stuff in Spanish so you think I won't understand." "But yo do." "Are you taking notes?" "Nooooo." "Not full notes... just bullet points." "I'm not a loser." "Goldfish?" "[Laughter]" "But, you know, back in my day, all you needed was an idea to go into business." "Today, you need an idea and more degrees than a thermometer." "That's just crackers on butter." "[Chuckling] Exactly." "What... crackers on what?" "Butter." "I decided to make up my own idiom." "You see, normally, you put butter on crackers, but this is crackers on butter." "It means something doesn't make any sense." "I'm really hoping it catches on." " That's great, Brick." "You're an idea man." " Ah." "You know, I always say to myself, "Dutch, you got to..."" ""Dutch." That's not even his real name." "Guess what his real name is." "I don't wanna." " Then I won't tell you." " Fine." "Paul." "Frankie:" "So, Dutch, you seeing anybody special in Las Vegas?" "Well, you know, I was seeing this really nice gal that ran the, uh, fountains at the Bellagio." " Brick:" "Ohhh!" " Didn't work out." "Probably couldn't stand him." "Probably left him, like his wife." "Didn't his wife die?" "Yeah." "That's how bad she wanted to leave him." "A big leave." "[Laughter]" "Frankie:" "Oh, my goodness." "What a life." "Ugh." "All right." "I got to go wait in the parking lot for my roommate Carol." "She forgot her keys again." "Heck." "Get up here." "You're in charge while I'm gone." "Ohhh, no." "Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah." "Come on, come on, come on." " Chop-chop." " Oh, no, no, no, no." "Okay, people, goof off at your own peril, because tink's taking 20 and Heck's taking names." "♪ Call Dutch, the magic carpet man ♪" "I want to switch old people." "What?" "What are you talking about?" "Don't "what are you talking about?" Me." "What happened to "we need to be facilitators"?" "We are being facilitators." "Yeah, well, then you got a very loose definition of what facilitating is, 'cause to me, it looks like you're yucking it up with Uncle Dutch while I'm stuck over there with the claw." "What was the Rickles story?" "Oh!" "Oh, oh!" "So, Rickles was doing the show, and Sinatra was in town..." "Or wait... was Sinatra doing the show?" "Anyway, they were all at this table, but then there was a different table..." "Oh!" "Oh!" "And there was this dessert." "I think it was baked Alaska." "Wait... what is the dessert that flames?" "Eh, you're butchering this." "Look, this is your dad, and I got a bigger part in this than you do." "I got a cane." "I'm acting." "And you're just laughing at all the Don Rickles stories." "It isn't fair, Frankie." "Look, I got my old guy, and you got yours." "No trade-backs." "[Growls]" "[Stomps]" "[Indistinct conversations]" "Okay, may I have your attention, please?" "Uh, I think everyone in here needs to settle down and follow the rules so we can all just get out of here and do our time and leave." "I, for one, have my Uncle Dutch visiting, and I'm sure there are plenty of family activities that you all would like to get home to." "What are you, some kind of suck-up?" "No, I'm not." "I am just like you." "I am bad." "I am a bad a-s-s." "Now, I think we should all get through today so we can get back to doing all the bad things we do." "Okay, people, it is time to grow up." "I mean, seriously, some of you have kids." "Frankie:" "I thought about what Mike said, so I moved everyone into the family room and got down to some serious facilitating." "Have some chips, dad." "You know, you could be a little more sociable." "Your brother's come all the way from Nevada, and you've barely said two words." "So, they got ya on heart pills?" "No." "Me neither." "Tell you who's on heart pills." "You remember the guy who lived down the street from us in that yellow house?" " Guy with the haircut?" " Right." "Ran into him in the airport a couple years ago..." "Can't think of his name." "Johnny." "Johnny... right." "Yeah, his cousin was the one that broke my finger with a baseball bat." "No, he broke my finger, but you took me to the clinic." "Remember that nurse we met?" "She ended up marrying the guy who broke one of our fingers." "Harvey burns." "Right..." "Harvey burns." "No, it was his brother." "What about his brother?" "What were we talking about?" " Heart pills." " Mm-hmm." "Oh." "Yeah." "I don't take 'em." "Yeah, me neither." "Well, isn't that just crackers on butter." "Give it up, Brick." "No one's gonna use your dumb phrase." "Aww!" "Look at you two, rehashing old times." "Kind of makes everything fall away, huh?" "All the pain, the tears, the fighting." "Working it a little hard there, Frankie." "You know what would make it even nicer?" "If you two did that song you were talking about, the one from the talent show." "Yeah." "Tag?" "I'm up for it, if you are." "Well, I'd love to, but..." "[Sighs] I'm spent." "I got up and took a jog this morning before everybody got up." "Aww." "Frankie, tell you what I'll do." "Let me do both parts, just so they can hear it." "It's real cute. [Chuckles]" "Okay, how does it go?" "♪ Two of a kind, for your information ♪" "♪ We're two of a kind ♪" "And then Tag's here, he sings... ♪ Two of a kind, it's my observation... ♪" "Wait a minute." "You're screwing everything up." "I... fine." "I'll do it with ya." "[Breathes heavily]" "Let's do it over here." "Oh... oh, great!" "Oh, you're gonna do it!" "Okay, wait, hold on." "Let me get my phone out so I can record it." " Okay." " Tag:" "Here we go." "♪ Two of a kind ♪" "Wait, wait, wait." "I'm sorry to stop, but you have to be on my left." "Wrong side." "What's the difference?" "You're handsome on both sides." "You're just trying to get in a better position, just like you did on the talent show." "Oh, good God." "What, do you keep a card catalog of everything I've ever done wrong?" "I'm terribly sorry to be arguing in your home." "Eh, don't try to suck up to Mike." "Can't drive a wedge between us." "The man worships me." "We're thick as thieves." "Interesting fact... the phrase "thick as thieves"" " was coined in..." " Not now, Brick." "♪ Like peas in a pod, birds of a feather ♪" "What in the hell are you doing?" "You're adding dance moves?" "You're just sitting there." "I'm trying to add a little spice to it." "There you go again, trying to one-up me, just like you did in the vacuum business." "Are you kidding me?" "You've been riding on my coattails my whole life." "'Course I have!" "What's the good of having family if you can't sponge off of 'em?" "You know something, Tag?" "I came to visit you thinking maybe you'd mellowed with age, but you're worse." "I mean, I'm like wine..." "I've improved with age." "You're like..." "Cheese, a piece of stinky old cheese." "You're not making any sense." "This whole conversation is like crackers on butter." "Yes!" "All right." "You want me to say it?" "You want me to tell these people what really happened?" "We didn't get on the Cletus Wilson show because just before we were going on the air, this genius tells Cletus he's much fatter than he thought he'd be." "Next thing we know, the Lennon sisters are in our spot." "You pissed him off, just like you piss everybody off." "Oh, is that right, Paul?" "Is that the way it happened, Paul?" "Don't call me Paul." "Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul." "That's it." "I'm leaving." "Oh, you're not leaving, 'cause Mike's leaving." "Let's go, Mike." "Well, well, well." "I guess to you people, "stay in your seats" means" ""walk around, cavorting with your friends."" "Heck, let me see that list." "Oh." "Okay." "So that's how you're gonna play it, huh?" "Yeah." "I thought you'd sing like a canary, but you've given me nothing." " But..." " I guess that's it, then." "You're all free to go, because Heck here thought it was more important to protect her fellow delinquents than to do the job I gave her." "[Indistinct talking]" " [Door closes]" " Are you crazy?" "!" "14 years of detention, and not one student has ever written down a single name." "And you've got a whole list of them here..." "Some of them with three frowny faces." "I wanted to organize it for you." "I put it in order of severity of offense." "[Sighs]" "This might surprise you, but I like you, Heck." "You're an incredibly sweet, diligent, and conscientious person, and that's the exact kind of crap that's gonna get you killed out in the real world!" "You got to toughen up, kid!" "Huh?" "Or you're gonna become human mulch!" "Have a great day." " Bup-bup!" " I mean..." "Whatevs, lady!" "Attagirl!" "Mike." "Mike!" "I figured out why they're fighting." "Oh." "Good." "I'm glad you woke me up to tell me." "It's 'cause Uncle Dutch taught me how to ride a bike." "Great story." "Night." "No, no, no, no!" "It just hit me." "When I was a kid, my dad could never teach me how to ride a bike, and then one day, while he was at work," "Uncle Dutch offered to teach me." "Then my dad came home, and all hell broke loose." "He was yelling," ""how could you teach my daughter to ride a bike?" "!" "How could you steal that from me?"" "And the next thing I knew, they were in this huge fight, and then they just stopped talking to each other." "You really think this whole thing is because of a bike?" "You wouldn't like it if someone else taught Sue to ride a bike." "The Donahues taught her." "Look, you can't fix it, Frankie." "You gave it a good shot." "Let it be." "And let it be not in our house." "[Sighs]" "My heart would break if Axl and Brick didn't talk to each other for 25 years." "You got to get along with your siblings, Mike." "They're your partners for life." "They're the only ones that have your stories." "I know you really want these guys to get along and you're disappointed that it's not happening, but..." "People don't change." "It's over." "I'm calling it." "[Sighs]" "[Ukulele plays in distance]" "Mike, did you hear that?" "Dutch: ♪ need we explain, when he warbles sweetly ♪" "♪ I'm flat and completely behind ♪" "♪ Because we're ♪" "♪ Two-oo-oo-oo of a kind ♪" "[Coughs]" "♪ What's so wrong thinkin' life is a song ♪" "♪ Reachin' for a star?" "♪" "That's right." "♪ And who's to say if we'll go the whole way?" "♪" "Hey, at least we got this far." "Because we're... ♪ Two of a kind ♪" "♪ For your information ♪" "♪ We're two of a kind ♪" "That's right." "♪ Two of a kind ♪" "♪ It's my observation ♪" "♪ We're two of a kind ♪" "♪ Like peas in a pod ♪" "♪ Or birds of a feather ♪" "♪ Alone or together, you'll find ♪" "♪ That we are two-oo-oo-oo of a kind ♪" "One more time!" "♪ That we are two-oo-oo-oo of a kind ♪" "[Laughter]" "Ohh." "See, Mike?" "That's why I hope." "You two have no idea what this means to me." "See, that's the way you should be with each other." "Focus on the positive stuff, not all the crap like..." "Like who went to what wedding or who has the better business or that Uncle Dutch taught me how to ride a bike." "What?" "You taught my daughter how to ride a bike?" "Who in the hell teaches another man's daughter how to ride a bike?" "Could you be happy for just two minutes?" "You're always trying to one-up me." "I mean, I learn how to swim, remember?" "You become a lifeguard." "I dated Betty Parker." "You dated her better-looking sister." "Here we go with the card catalog again." "What is it with you?" "What, do you keep a diary or something?" "[Laughs] Aw." "Thanks for driving him home, Uncle Dutch." "He's not doing it to be nice." "He's doing it to be the big hero." "Okay." " Bye, Uncle Dutch." " Have a great trip." "It was nice to meet you." "[Horn blares]" "Oh!" "Yep, as much as you hope for it, people really don't change." "It doesn't matter whether you're 88 or 18." "If you're family, you're stuck with each other." " [Engine turns over]" " All:" "Bye!" "So you just got to figure out a way to make it work." "Anything else is just crackers on butter." "Tag:" "What kind of car you drive?" " Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!" " Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!" "Curb!" "Curb!" "Curb!" "Curb!" "Tag:" "Watch it!" "Dutch:" "What was that?" "I thought there was a car up there." "Well, stop talking to me, and I'll watch the road."