"To salt lake, and now please" "Welcome doug stanhope." "(audience cheers and applauds)" "thankyou!" "Thank you very much." "Thanks." "(man shouts in audience)" "Yeah, thanks." "I just realized I didn't turn" "Off my cell phone, so I'm gonna" "Just..." "Fuck it." "Fuck it." "Don't call me." "Alright." "I should have started stronger" "Than this." "Ever look in the mirror in the" "Morning and think, "that can't" "Be accurate."" "Oh it's--that's off by years," "And pounds, and wrinkles, and is" "That metric?" "Send that to the front desk and" "Get that recalibrated 'cause" "That is not--that doesn't even" "Look like a head anymore." "The fuck have I done to myself?" "(laughter)" "I'm good at night, don't worry," "It's just the mornings are" "Fucking rougher." "I don't do nearly as many drugs" "As I should, then I have the" "Reputation for it, but mitch" "Hedberg, you know mitch hedberg," "Right?" "(cheers and applause)" "He was a--he was a drug" "Enthusiast." "He was a drug connoisseur, and" "He died." "Drugs killed him, but they" "Didn't ruin his life by any" "Stretch." "He really enjoyed--he was good" "At--he wasn't someone who" "Faltered at it." "He didn't wake up, "and oh," "Shit." "I should really work on myself," "And I--I need to rethink" "This."" "That guy fucking loved doing" "Drugs the entire time he was" "Alive, maybe up until that last" "Minute where he went" "(gasps)" "That might have not been as much" "Fun, but still." "And now his family, his" "Beautiful, beautiful family, and" "Mary and arne, and if you ever" "See this, don't take it" "Personal, but his family set up" "A mitch hedberg charity." "It's a mitch hedberg golf" "Tournament to go to support a" "Rehabilitation facility." "They took everything that he was" "About, turned it on its ass." "He hated sports." "He loved drugs." "And you have a fucking charity," "Sponsoring." "It's like if the guy who died" "On the luge in the olympics had" "His family come out and have" "A charity pie-eating contest to" "Keep kids out of sports." "Stay on the couch, you get fat," "Kids." "It was just everything he was" "Against for everything he" "Loved, and they did that because" "I guess it would have been too" "Tasteless to have a charity" "Event where you get--actually" "For a buck a shovel literally" "Dig up his grave and turn him" "Upside down..." "And then bury it back." "(audience applauds and shouts)" "His parents are so sweet, and I" "Was very tentative about" "Putting that on a dvd, but it's" "Such a funny--it's just--rehab" "Is just such fraud." "It's just this cottage industry" "Of nonsense junk science," "Fucking dr." "Drew pinsky should" "Be just--he's like--I've never" "Done a bit about someone for" "You do bits, and you fake anger," "And you write a bit, you know," "You have passion for it, and" "Then you do it too many times," "And then you have to work up the" "Anger, and I've never had to do" "That when talking about dr." "Drew pinsky for fucking years." "Just hearing his name, this bile" "Comes out of me 'cause it's" "(audience applauds and shouts)" "It started--if there is a war" "On drugs, he is the joseph" "Goebbels' propaganda minister of" "Lies, and it started out with" "Just the celebrity rehab, and" "That was a--it's a dumb show." "But what made it important--dr." "Drew is a real doctor." "That's what you have to keep in" "Mind." "He's an actual--he's not a fake" "Dr. Phil." "He's an actual, went to medical" "School, has a diploma over his" "Desk, real doctor spreading this" "Nonsense, and it started with" ""celebrity rehab," which was a" "Guilty pleasure." "It was fun to watch." "They, you know, call in all" "These d-level celebrities." "Let them shake off the dts for a" "Couple of days with cameras in" "Their faces 24/7, and then" "They'd send them boating with" "Gary busey 'cause that's what a" "Medical professional would tell" "You to do in that situation," "And instead of being stripped of" "His credentials for this," "Instead of being drug out in" "The street and beaten and tied" "Shirtless to a telephone pole" "Out front of this place so" "Garage bands could staple flyers" "To his chest to promote their" "Upcoming gig, and then the other" "Band would draw a dick picture" "On the thing, and they'd tear" "That off and put up a new" "Poster, and eventually drew" "Pinsky would die the slow" "Bleeding death of a thousand" "Weeping pinhole bleeds." "Instead of that happening, what" "Happened is it gave him" "Credibility." "People took him seriously." "And that's what makes you crazy," "Is not that these buffoons exist" "In life, but the fact that it" "Was--like the sarah palins or" "The glenn becks or whoever" "Where you ah--if everyone was" "Laughing at them, you'd go," ""ah, what a--" but when they're" "Taking--drew pinsky now is the" "Go-to guy for any kind of" "Celebrity, you know, any--any" "Heath ledger issue, any fucking" "Michael jackson, he's the guy" "That the mainstream media goes" "To." ""joining us tonight to talk" "About one of the coreys that" "Died." "We don't know which corey." "No one really cares." "But to discuss the tragedy," "Joining us tonight, celebrity" "Rehabilitation expert, dr." "Drew pinsky, welcome to the" "Show."" "You know, first of all, how are" "You a celebrity rehabilitation" "Expert?" "How do you get that designation?" "At what point in medical school" "Did your professor pull you to" "The side?" ""drew, come here a second, I" "Wanna talk to you." "Listen, I have been watching" "Your work." "I have been watching you poke" "Around the cadavers and do what" "You do with the smug look on" "Your face." "Did anyone ever tell you that" "You have a keen eye for the rich" "And famous?" "You should really go in that" "Direction." "I think you have a natural gift" "To be an ambulance chaser to the" "Stars." "You fucking would step over a" "Dozen dying winos in the street" "Just to get to lindsay lohan's" "Bedside to offer unsolicited" "Advice to charlie sheen via" "Twitter as a medical" "Professional is wont to do."" "Yeah, yeah, dr." "Drew pinsky," "Celebrity rehabilitation expert." "It's like if I were a" "Gynecologist, but I've found" "That I--I specialize in really" "Young, hot..." "Shaved..." "Stinkless pussy." "That's where I found--I just" "Had a knack." "It was like a gift from god," "Just teenage norwegian pussy is" "All I really work with anymore" "Because I wanna give back." "I wanna give of myself, you" "Puddle of shit." "And what they don't show you," "When they've--they're treating" "This." "Remember this is a deadly" "Disease." "Addiction is--here it comes" "Again, watch." "Ah, ah." "This might look like a choice," "But it's not." "This is a deadly affliction." "Mmm, mmm." "There's no such thing as" "Addiction." "I mean on the most minor levels," "There are--if you're a hardcore" "Substance abuser, there is a" "Physical addiction where you" "Might need a medical detox for a" "Few days to--so you don't" "Seizure up and swallow your" "Tongue." "After that, it's done." "Then it's a choice." "It's right back to a fucking" "Choice." "(shudders) whoo!" "andthere'sno suchthingas" "Addiction." "There's only things that you" "Enjoy doing more than life," "(audience cheers and applauds)" "And that's-- it's not just drugs" "And alcohol, fucking sex" "Addiction," "Eat too much pie, but, yeah" "It's what you wanna do." "And what they don't show you in" "Any of these shows is--what are" "You-- what do you do with" "These-- you have all these shows" "Exploiting shitheads." "You know, "intervention."" ""intervention's" an hour-long" "Show and 52 minutes of it is" "Some fucking stumblebum being" "Followed around by a camera," "Shitting his pants, puking in" "Trashcans and losing his job" "Because that's fun to watch." "It really is." "It's easily exploitable." "That's why cigarettes--they're" "Far more dangerous than anything" "That they show, like an" "Intervention, but you don't see" "That episode." "There's not the--the cigarette," "Because no one wants to watch 52 minutes of a guy going... (laughter)" ""it's killing me."" "So they have to get the" "Stumblebum just, you know," "Shitting his pants and knocking" "Over the turkey at his aunt" "Nancy's house on thanksgiving" "Morning because you're trying to" "Drink her mouthwash because it's" "Fun to watch." "But what they don't ever show" "You is the cure." "If these shows are supposed to" "Be informational and" "Educational, what the fuck do" "You do?" "What's the cure?" "You show me 52 minutes of the" "Guy fucking up and being" "Hilarious, and then you fast" "Forward through the intervention" "Part 'cause no one wants to" "Watch that." "That's just boring idiot family" "Members reading hallmark cards" "They wrote themselves." ""you didn't show up to sherry's" "Graduation and-- "" "So what do you--what happened?" "And the only cure they show" "They show--oh yeah, and we flew" "Him to palos altos, california" "For a rehab, and he hasn't drank" "Since 2007." "Well, what did you do there?" "!" "That might be a good focal point" "Of the show, is the cure for" "This deadly disease!" "What is the cure, dr." "Drew?" "Tell me what you're gonna do" "With charlie sheen if you get" "Him." "How do you fucking cure these" "People?" "All you do is show me, you know," "Boating with gary busey." "What's the cure?" ""well, we get them involved in" "A--we put him in a rehab."" "Well, what do you do in the" "Rehab?" ""well, it's a--it's a" "Treatment."" "Well, what is the fucking" "Treatment?" ""well, we get them involved in a" "Program."" "Stop with the buzz words and" "Tell me what exactly is the" "Cure!" ""oh, the cure specifically is" "(coughs)" "Uh, god."" "What?" "What?" ""yes... (coughs)" "God."" "That's what you do?" "That's all I do." "All these rehabs, all they do is" "Funnel you into a 12-step" "Program, aa and the like, and" "Any 12-step program is a" "God-based program." "It's like seven of the 12 steps" "Are about god and giving your" "Life to god." "You're a fucking medical doctor" "With a diploma over your desk." "You treat one thing and one" "Thing only, and the only cure" "You have for it is god?" "Even your religious friends do" "Not wanna hear about god during" "A medical diagnosis." "It's the last word you ever" "Wanna hear from a doctor." ""you know, doc, my fucking lymph" "Nodes are swollen out of my" "Neck." "I look like a bullfrog." "I'm shitting blood with" "Clumps in it." "I can't keep food down."" ""ooh, sounds like someone needs" "A higher power."" "(audience cheers and applauds)" ""can't we do some blood work" "First, series of antibiotics," "Get a cat scan?"" ""no, get on your knees and pray," "Faggot."" "You're a doctor?" ""yeah, I'm on tv, too."" "(laughter)" "Aa makes scientology look" "Credible." "It's--it's at least" "Scientology or any fucking" "Mormons or christians or" "Muslims, at least the major cult" "Religions have a consistent" "Dogma where aa is so splatter" "Shot and made up on the fly." "Aa tells you to make up your own" "God if you don't already have a" "God." "The big book of aa--I grew up" "In aa, and I believed all this" "Shit was true." "My mother was in aa, so as a kid" "Doing homework in the back of" "Meetings listening to this shit." "There's a chapter to the" "Agnostic in the big book, their" "Bible, and you'd go oh, oh" "Chapter to the agnostic, this" "Will teach you how to use this" "Program as a reasonable grown-up" "Adult human being." "No, they don't do that." "No, the chapter to the agnostic" "Tells you how to stop being" "Agnostic and start believing in" "A little bit of god, you" "Stubborn little fella." "You gotta believe in him." "And it tells you if you don't" "Already have a god, make up your" "Own, and you go, "I'm a drunk." "I can't even make up a good" "Excuse for why I pissed in the" "Sock drawer last night."" "This is probably" "(audience cheers and applauds)" "Probably--probably not a good" "Time for me to be creating" "Omnipotent deities that I will" "Lay my life down before for the" "Rest." "you'reourgod,doug." "mea god,yes,yes ,and you" "Are my fucking satan." "First step of aa, you have to" "Admit that you're powerless over" "Alcohol and that your life has" "Become unmanageable, and then" "They go onto the next step" "Which you have to turn your life" "And your will over to a power" "Higher than yourself." "And you go, "I was a" "Freethinking atheist coming" "Into this bullshit, but since I" "Went along with you on that" "First step on a goof where I'm" "Powerless over alcohol, I guess" "Then by default, alcohol would" "Have to be my only higher power," "So... (audience cheers and applauds)" "I'll go with the--I'll go with" "Vodka, I guess." "If I am to be a monotheist and" "Pick just one, I will go with" "Vodka." "It's a good all occasions." "It mixes well in the morning" "With a nice citrus beverage." "Makes a good christmas drink" "With neighbor dave and evil e." "The people say, well, what's" "You know, what's the big deal?"" "And by people, I mean all you" "Shitheads on my facebook page" "That every time I say something" "Anti-aa or pro-charlie sheen" "Or anti dr." "Drew" ""stanhope, I'm normally with you" "On, you know, most of everything" "You say, but you really--you're" "Off the--off the mark on this." "Drug abuse is a really serious" "Problem." "It's a serious issue." "So what's the problem if someone" "Has to believe in a higher power" "To get them through?"" "That's not the problem!" "The problem is when a medical" "Professional who is on every" "Goddamn night on the fucking" "News is telling you, you have a" "Disease that's not a disease," "And he's telling you the cure is" "A god that doesn't exist." "It's a big fucking problem." "What's your problem?" "What's your problem?" "So what?" "It's a problem." "It's a problem of the earth." "I got bladder cancer and you're" "Applying leeches instead of" "Doing research." "(laughter)" "It's a huge problem." "I have comics that will call me" "Up because of the economy, like," ""dude, how you doing on the" "Road out there?" "You getting beat up?" "Like, how--"" "You go like, I drink as much" "As I ever drank, yeah." "I feel like shit physically, but" "I'm not like--I'm not in agony" "But I feel lethargic for years," "Or decade maybe." "It's just my piss stinks." "That's not normal." "I was in fucking anchorage for a" "Summer solstice at becker's" "House, outside I'm pissing on a" "Pine tree, and they're having a" "Barbecue." "I'm like 20 yards away pissing" "On a pine tree, and my buddy" "Billy, bad fireman says, "dude," "Is that your piss?"" "You could smell my piss?" "He's like, "god damn it, what's" "Wrong with you?"" "I don't--I don't know." "I don't know." "My kidneys are fucking" "Defective?" "I don't know." "Taking a leak on a tree in the" "Great wilderness of alaska" "Should not be a "who farted?"" "Situation." "So maybe--yeah, maybe I'm" "Getting beat up, like, my" "Internal organs." "I shit." "I shit a lot during the day, but" "I always--I mean like ten times," "But not a lot of product." "They're just like clumps, and" "It comes out in a consistency." "If it's not just sheer liquid," "It's like thick mud." "Do you ever see history channel," "And you're watching like g.I.'s" "In world war ii trying to push a" "Jeep out of deep mud and it's" "Just that like packed--it's like" "Soft-serve ice cream." "It comes out like that, but not" "A lot at a time." "It's just--it's almost like a" "And I don't know if my organs" "Are just--I'm way too fat in the" "Middle to--for as little as I" "Eat." "I just--it's just in the middle" "Part is always bloated, so I" "Don't know if my organs from all" "The drinking, or the liver and" "Kidneys are swelling up and" "Pushing against the" "Gastrointestinal tract and" "Making it hard for the shit to" "Get--like shit has to push its" "Way through like a--like an" "Offensive line, a fourth and" "One, it's just--so you gotta" "You don't have to get the whole" "Football over the line, just get" "A piece over the line and we" "Touchdown." "And then my friend the comic on" "The other line will say, "no, I" "Meant beat up like ticket sales." "How does--how is--like the" "Economy is all in the rubbish" "And--"" "Oh, sorry about that whole" "Soliloquy about my chewing" "Tobacco loads of dumps that I" "Take." "Yeah, tickets are fine." "If you wanna feel bad for" "Someone in a down-turned" "Economy, I'll give you someone." "Prostitutes, because a" "Prostitute doesn't have that" "Same worst-case scenario b-plan" "That we all enjoy." "No matter how shitty things are" "Going for you on the job." ""danny, if they lay off any more" "People, I'm gonna be out on the" "Street sucking dicks for a" "Living." "I got nothing else." "I'm serious."" "Hooker doesn't have that same" "Safety net." "Hookers are already out there" "Sucking dicks." "Here is a hooker jugging a cock," "A fucking sour-milk-smelling" "Cock behind a dumpster right now" "And she's staring up at your" "Office building thinking, "they" "Lay off any more people, more" "People gonna be out here sucking" "Dicks, it's gonna be a buyer's" "Market." "More people out here sucking" "Dicks." "I'm gonna have to start doing" "Anal just to compete in the" "Marketplace." "Woman my age shouldn't have to" "Do anal." "I ain't built right for it no" "More." "I gotta do exercises in the" "Morning." "I do squat thrusts, trying to" "Strengthen up my shit pussy in" "Case this whole thing goes" "Bust." "I'm doing ass kegels every" "Morning." "You can't afford to get all" "Loosey-goosey down in your ass" "Pussy, not in this economy." "If you get baggy in your shit" "Pussy, you'd be tonguing ass for" "A living." "That ain't proper work for no" "Human being." "If you tongue ass, you gotta get" "Up early, sugar." "Set your alarm clock and get" "Down to construction site before" "The boys in the orange vests" "Show up and wait for them." "Take all the toilet paper out," "Wait for them to take that" "Gravely good morning and" "Starbucks shit." "You hear them scratching around" "On the fiberglass." "You go, 'there ain't no toilet" "Paper in there, sugarplum, but" "I'll clean you out real good for 25 dollars.'" "That ain't no way for a" "Human being to make a living." "You call that getting the blood" "Diamond." "Get in here and get the blood" "Diamond." "Where amnesty international" "Now?" "If you do anal, you gotta watch" "Your diet." "Can't--can't eat no more gummy" "Bears, no more licorice whips." "Can't swallow your gum." "No more canned cheese." "Gotta eat triscuit wafers, get" "Fiber in your diet." "You gotta keep regular," "Princess." "If you're gonna have regular" "Clientele, you gotta be" "Regular in your ass pussy." "You can't get baggy in your shit" "Pussy in a bad economy." "This whole motherfucking economy" "Built on a house of cards." "First of all, you gotta get this" "Shit, get that federal reserve" "Back on a gold standard." "What the fuck is that?" "We got government printing off" "Fiat currency." "You're building a whole" "Motherfucking house of cards." "It's a charade fiat currency." "The consumer gotta understand" "That the currency only have as" "Much value as the consumer" "Have faith in the currency, you" "Gotta back that shit up with" "Precious metal, buttface." "Fuck keynesian economic" "Philosophy." "That's what I'm saying to you," "Angela." "Fuck keynes and his philosophy." "Dig up that dead jew milton" "Friedman." "He's a nobel peace prize winner," "Motherfucking economic major." "You dig up that dead jew." "Ask milton friedman, dead jew" "Corpse, what he thinks about the" "Current economic crisis, and he" "Would tell you, 'you better" "Strengthen up your shit pussy," "Baby, 'cause this whole economy" "Is going down.'" "Sometimes I carry a little baby" "Carrot in my asshole when I walk" "The street, and I just suckle on" "That motherfucker."" "(laughter)" "Don't you like how I made that" "Urban hooker real smart at the" "End?" "She was a fucking--she was" "Saying shit I don't even" "Understand." "I need a fucking black cock." "I need a--is there a--is there" "Any black cock in here?" "Hey, can we do that when we edit" "This out?" "When we edit this, just like" "Don't even use this audience," "Just smash cut to the, like a" "Martin lawrence show audience," "It's just all-black people just" "Laughing hysterically at me?" "'cause that looks so much" "Cooler, and people would be, "I" "Don't know he was like" "I guess he's a big, like, urban" "Act, this doug stanhope."" "But I need a picture of a black" "Cock, if you have a--if there's" "Black cock in here and you want" "A model after this show." "I mean--this is--wasn't even a" "Bit when I first started asking." "It was a serious" "I need a picture of me with a" "Fat black cock just slapped" "Across my open mouth, sideways," "Like, ahhh." "Like a fucking bratwurst," "A at packer tailgating" "Ahhh!" "It doesn't have to be giant." "It's just sizeable." "It has to be photogenic" "Veiny black cock." "Your face doesn't have to be in" "It." "Just--we can crop that out." "Just me, ahhh." "I have a picture I keep in my" "Wallet of my father's corpse." "My father died in 2001." "He was just a fat nice guy." "He died at 73." "He had colon cancer." "It had just fucking tore him" "Apart." "He was a fat nice guy." "He was always nice, and he made" "Blueberry pancakes, and he" "Didn't have opinions, he just" "Smiled, and he's fat, and then," "He was down to like 78 pounds," "And I have a picture of me" "Kissing him on the forehead," "Moments after he died." "I'm all full of fucking tears." "And I keep that picture in my" "Wallet to show people who show" "Me baby pictures." "(laughter and applause)" ""oh, you see." "Did you know I had a baby?" "Look at this."" "You go, "oh, you had a baby." "Well, this is--this is how that" "Ends." "This is what--this is what you" "Made." "That's what you made." "Did you consider that before you" "Had that hubris to fucking just" "Create people without their" "Consent?" "Because that's gonna be your" "Corpse one day, and that'll be" "Your crying child not" "Understanding why someone who's" "Done nothing but be really nice" "To people has to be fucking" "Raped to death with shit cancer" "By nature like that, and then it" "Will be your baby's corpse with" "A gray death mask, and when you" "Touch their cheeks, all the cold" "Drool that's built up in their" "Open mouth spills onto your" "Hand." "Do you want a copy?"" "And that's why--that's why I" "Want the black cock photo to go" "As a companion piece." "Ahhh." "Because I use the word "faggot"" "Very liberally and I never" "Attach sexuality to it." "It's just a fun word of" "Weakness, and it's happy." "I love homosexuality." "I promote it." "You fuck and you don't leave" "Fucking garbage on the earth" "Because of it." "You know, fucking nothing." "I don't have to look at pictures" "Of the results." "Yeah, fucking homosexuality." "I fucking--I support" "Wholeheartedly, and I use the" "Word "nigger" when nigger's the" "Appropriate word, like, or if" "I'm just quoting mel gibson." "I'm not gonna say, "oh, and then" "He said I hope you get raped by" "A pack of n-words."" "No, it's fucking nigger." "It's a sound you can make with" "Your mouth and fucking get over" "It." "If you're offended by any word" "In any language, it's probably" "Because your parents were unfit" "To raise a child." "They were too stupid." "They should have been neutered" "Because all it is a sound you" "Can make with your mouth that" "You shouldn't be--it's not a" "Weakness that you have" "Naturally." "When you come out of that pink" "Ugly hole onto this planet," "You're nothing but a gooey" "Shrieking wrinkled ball of" "Weakness." "That's all you are." "You're just weak." "You're nothing but weak, and" "Your parents look at that, and" "They think not weak enough." "We can make this thing even" "Weaker by training it pavlovian" "To react poorly to different" "Sounds that you can make with" "Your mouth." "We'll list them up." "This is the worst thing." "If anyone ever says this sound," "Blah la, la la la," "That's the worst thing they can" "Call you, so make sure to recoil" "And cry and be hurt and" "Devastated and eat ice cream on" "A couch for days and then write" "A song about it." "You wouldn't do that otherwise." "You'd just be happier if your" "Parents didn't fuck it up with" "Their stupid--you'd just be a" "Happier person." "I could just walk right up to" "You and go, "hey, cunt," and" "You'd go, "no, I'm rebecca," "But I guess I have a face that" "Looks like a lot of different" "People." "What's your name?" "Welcome to salt lake."" "But your parents ruined that," "And that's a--I just need a" "Fucking picture of the fucking" "Giant black cock and me just" "Feasting on it with fucking" "Magic in my eyes." "Ahhh." "That way people get upset." "You know, if you say faggot, and" "You say it's just a sound, but" "You know what?" "If you grew up with an" "Alternative lifestyle like I" "Did, and you were taunted on a" "Schoolyard, and you go, "hang" "On, sugarplum, look right here," "Just look at that picture." "You relaxed now?"" "Ah..." "See?" "Can I just" "Because I don't care." ""nigger" is just, yo, you think" "That's--you're edgy to throw" "That around, and you know, but" "You don't--the history of" "Hatred with that word, you go," ""hang on, look right here." "Look, do you know what black" "Cock tastes like?" "Then why don't you study your" "Roots a little bit more like I" "Did?" "And in the meantime, back off."" "Who is the faggot nigger now," "Huh?" "Who is the faggot nigger now?" "(crowd whistles and applauds)" "Have you ever considered" "Registering as a sex offender" "Just so you have a legitimate" "Excuse for why your friends" "Can't bring their stupid" "Children over to your house?" "That's all it would take." "That's all it would take." "I never thought--oh wait, that's" "So easy." "I'd just put myself on a web" "Site somewhere." "And then your friend calls up," ""yeah, you're having a Monday" "Night football party, shit," "Yeah, I wanna come." "I got custody this week though." "You don't mind if I bring jimmy" "Junior and the baby, do you?"" "You go, "oh, yeah, jim, I'd love" "To see the kids." "You know they're a treasure at" "Every party, but, uh, I had an" "Incident years back, and now I'm" "On a watchdog site, so why don't" "You just leave those kids locked" "In a hot car and you bring beer" "Like anyone else would do at a" "Party?"" "Who thinks that's okay?" ""plus I'm a huge saints fan, and" "I might fuck the shit out of" "Your kids if they're ahead at" "Half-time because I'm real" "Superstitious, so, yeah, you" "Bring cold beer like anyone else" "Would do."" "Because we moved to a small town" "In arizona." "We live in a town--bisbee," "Arizona." "It's a beautiful little town, 6,000 people on the mexican" "Border." "It's far away from anything" "And anyone, but you have to," "Like, be polite to people." "It's not like here, "fuck you" "Faggots," and I run out the" "Backdoor, and I don't come back" "For two years and" "And people do, they'll just" "Bring their children to a party." "They don't even ask." "Like who would think that's okay" "To bring kids?" "It's like you've invited me to" "Your wedding, and I go, "just" "Brought chickens with me." "I got a pen full of chickens." "I won't even ask." "I'll just bring them and assume" "That's okay." ""I brought my chickens." "Yeah, congratulations." "Yeah, they squawk and peck and" "But they won't hurt anyone" "They'll just fucking bring this" "Whole shindig down."" "So you try to be polite," "Passive-aggressive, "oh yeah," "You you might not wanna bring" "Your kids to this party." "There' a lot of my comic friends" "Are gonna be here." "It gets out of control." "And then they'd think you're" "Worried about their kids." "No, I'm worried about my party," "Asshole." ""oh, come on, don't worry about" "The kids." "They've heard every word in the" "Book."" "Yeah, except for fuck off, they" "Haven't heard those words often" "Enough 'cause it's a party, man." ""put them in a corner, they'll" "Entertain themselves."" "Yeah, while they irritate" "Everybody else." "It's partying." "My friends are doing fucking" "Rails of prescription drugs" "They've chopped up, crush a" "Giant line of adderall, and they" "Snort it off a coffee table and" "Get to the end, and then your" "Fucking pie-faced kids playing" "With a goddamn choo-choo train." ""ah!" "Oh!" "Ah!" "I wanna go home."" "It's a buzz kill." "It's horrific." "That's the only drugs to do in" "Bisbee." "It's kind of a dry town." "Drugs come through bisbee," "That's what's fucked up." "We're on the mexican border" "Where they have border patrol," "National guard, minutemen," "Militias, trying to stop the" "Flow of aliens and drugs coming" "Through, but all those drugs are" "Coming through, they don't stop." "I'd lived there six years." "It's the driest place I've ever" "Seen." "So I can--there's no weed if" "You--I don't smoke it," "Occasionally, but there's blow" "That's torn apart and stepped" "On." "It's like a 3-2-blow." "Hey, little local, gotcha, huh?" "A little local gotcha." "Hey, I'm so clever." "Here's a big night in bisbee." "Sometimes I'll take two xanax" "And two laxatives at bedtime," "And I'll play chicken in my" "Sleep." "That's a thrill ride." "That's a hometown thrill ride" "Because it's kind of like three" "Highs at once, because it starts" "Out as a downer, turns into" "Gambling..." "Wakes up as a huge amphetamine," "Like, "oh!" "Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh."" "You do that on the road, it's" "Not really a risk 'cause that's" "Not really your bed." "But you do that at the house in" "Your own tempur-pedic, you wake" "Up with a jolt." ""ah, oh, oh, oh, oh."" "Won again, I won again." "Double or nothing?" "Sometimes in bisbee, I'll take" "Two xanax and two laxatives, and" "I'll play chicken in my sleep." "I'll play chicken in my sleep." "I'll play chicken in my sleep." "I'll take two ex-lax, two xanax," "Play chicken in my sleep." "I'll play chicken in my sleep." "I'll play chicken in my sleep." "I'm just trying to point out to" "You how lazy songwriters are." "You overrated, do-nothing," "Over-celebrated, lazy" "Motherfucker." "You have three minutes to fill a" "Song, and you sing the same shit" "Over and over and over." "I have to do an hour and 10" "Minutes up here, every word has" "To be different." "They all have to go in one" "Direction." "They can't be open to" "Interpretation because they" "Don't make sense, and they're" "Kooky." "Yes, and I get dick, you get" "Fucking grammy awards, and" "Accolades, and pussy, and I" "Get--I get a hot shot of" "Jagermeister for my trouble." "You got three minutes." "Yes, sally has to slow the" "Mustang down, I understand that." "What's the rest of the story?" "You already said it once." "It's a chorus." "No, it's sloth." "Write a fucking song." "I've--I've grown such a palpable" "Distaste or distrust of artists." "Artists--and keep in mind, when" "I say I don't like artists," "Remember I--anything that I" "Don't understand or can't do is" "Stupid... (audience cheers)" "Whatever it is." "Roller skating, faggy, it's" "Because I can't barely stand up" "On shoes, much less skates." "Yeah, everything--so art is" "Stupid to me anyway 'cause I" "Don't--but artists, we--we" "Live in an artist community." "I've found that artists can" "Generally be as self-righteous" "And humorless and intolerant as" "Even the fucking religious" "Right." "They can be a huge bucket of" "Cunts." "They're fucking awful" ""no, that's not-- "" "And that's why we moved to" "Bisbee, it's an artist" "Community." "I had to get the fuck out of" "L.A." "I have been to this town a bunch" "Of times." "It's a cool beautiful little" "Town, and I'd go, "oh, and it's" "An artist community."" "I'm an impulse buy kind of guy," ""so alright, let's just go," and" "We moved there, like yeah," "Bought a house, no turning back." "It turns out my art doesn't" "Really fit in the whole cog and" "Gears of an artist community." "I don't--I'm an artist, too, and" "It'll be fun, and we'll live" "With other kind of artsy" ""no, not you."" "If you can imagine an arts" "Fair, and then imagine my booth." "So--so it doesn't--doesn't" "Really kind of mesh, and you try" "To like "oh, you're an artist" "Too?" "I just moved into town." "What--what kind of art?" "Oh, you make turquoise belt" "Buckles." "Oh, I'm an artist as well." "Maybe we can hang out." "Right now I'm working on a piece" "About how a lot of the corpses" "From that japanese tsunami that" "Got swept out to sea when they" "Washed up days and weeks later," "They kind of looked korean," "Which is weird because that's" "Basically the major difference" "Between, and I think that asian" "Women are the most beautiful" "Women on the planet." "Pound for pound, per capita," "Asian women are the most" "Beautiful, except for the ugly" "Ones, they're just" "Oh, but they are more pretty per" "Person, and that--and that's the" "Major difference between the" "Japanese and the korean is that" "The japanese have more of an" "Angular feature where the korean" "Has a more like a swollen boxy" "Bucket head like it's soaked in" "Saltwater for a long time, but" "Still beautiful, beautiful" "Nonetheless." "I think they're--and I'm not" "Sexualizing them either." "When I say that asian women are" "Beautiful, it's not a sexual" "Thing." "I'm not being degrading." "I find them sexually repulsive" "Because I--I don't like that" "Whole subservient, ah-ha-ha-ha." "Have you ever seen japanese" "Shit porn where they," "Ah-ha-ha-ha?" "You know, the picture with the" "Girl upside down in the tub" "With the geyser of shit coming" "Out." "I don't know." "I don't know how much time you" "Spend on the internet." "Not trying to be an internet" "Snob." "Don't like them." "I'll fucking occasionally find a" "Picture like that and send it" "Out on the fucking news feeds," "On the twitters, and all that," "And then people will go, "that's" "Like 2005."" "You go, it's the fucking" "Internet, faggot." "It's like 8 billion channels." "Don't act like it's 1983, and I" "Just found "mork  mindy."" "Alright?" "Yeah, it's fucking the internet." "But yeah, the asian women, not" "Sexualizing them, they're gross." "I like more of a german" "Dominatrix-y, like mean--you" "Fucking tongue out my fucking" "Unwashed ass, you fucking fat" "Faggot, not ha-ha-ha." "I'm not degrading japanese women" "By it." "I'm not sexualizing them." "I'm saying they have gungy" "Cunts, too." "That's another thing." "If you look like" "High-definition ruined a lot of" "Things that I used to hold" "Sacrosanct in pornography, and a" "Japanese vagina is one of them" "Because, yeah, with that kind" "Of clarity, it's a--it tends to" "Be like jaundiced around the" "Edges." "You know how overweight people's" "Inner thighs get when they rub" "Together, they become" "Discolored." "A japanese vagina is a really" "Gungy looking, and the hair" "It's not a--you know, not too" "Much hair, but the hair that's" "There is always matted." "When you have the perfect" "Porcelain skin of a china doll," "That's no place for the random" "Black wiry ass hair of a rodent." "It's just--it just sticks out" "Like a bed spring." "So I'm not sexualizing them." "I'm saying they're beautiful as" "People like art." "They're beautiful like art." "And I'm working on an art piece" "About how maybe that's how the" "Korean culture started is" "Japanese people swimming away" "From an evil emperor across the" "Sea of japan and then drowning" "Right close to the shores of" "Korea and then becoming korea," "Which doesn't make sense because" "Dead people can't procreate, but" "That's why I'm talking to you as" "An artist, maybe we can help" "Each other." "I'll talk to you about your belt" "Buckles, throw in--spitball" "Some ideas, maybe put a third" "Piece of turquoise on the belt" "Buckle, make it a triangle." "It'll kind of look like the" "State of texas." "You could probably sell more in" "This area, and you might say to" "Me, "hey, tone down on the gungy" "Cunts of the jap--japaniards,"" "And together we could become" "Better artists, but instead of" "That, they just stare at me" "Blankly and never call back." "(laughter and applause)" "So it's--it's" "It's a trying place, the artist" "Community, but we have a big" "Fence." "Again, I am gonna put that in" "There for later for continuity" "Reasons." "Artists who say that they're" "Artists are usually people who" "Need a job." "Like if you ask, what do you do?" "And they say, "I'm an artist,"" "Rather than just say what the" "Fuck they do, it's because they" "Do an art no one really wants to" "See, and it's kind of a--it's a" "Shit bag trick because it forces" "You to act like you're" "Interested." "If I say, what do you do?" "It's because I'm in a pinch, I" "Have nothing else to say." "What do you do?" "Now you say I'm an artist which" "Forces me, puts the onus on me" "To act like I'm interested in" "Art by saying, "oh really?" "What type of art?"" "Which is invariably something no" "One wants to see." "Oh I'm a playwright." "Oh yeah, that needs to be done" "Over and over again." "You know we have movies now." "They took the place of plays." "They're not two separate things." "We've made movies 'cause plays" "Suck and we could make movies" "All of a sudden, 'cause a play" "Is an awkward thing to watch." "Have you ever seen a play?" "Is there anything more" "Embarrassing and fucking filthy" "To sit through?" "I don't like any form of live" "Entertainment where there is a" "Fourth wall, where you pay $150" "For a front row broadway" "Tickets, and I have some asshole" "Who pretends you're not here," "While I pretend to drive a" "Motorboat or I fence with a guy." "That's rude." "whoo!" "I'm-- "we're belly dancers."" "Oh, good." "Yeah, well, how does that work" "Again, the belly dancing?" "Oh, when we took titty dancing," "Removed all the fun and" "Sexuality, and replaced it with" "Jangly clangy things that scare" "The shit out of your dogs." "We're belly dancers."" "No, you're fat girls." "Put on a robe, alright?" "Come on." "I don't have anything near a 6-pack myself, but I'm not gonna" "Throw wind chimes on a beer gut" "And call it free expression." "Artist communities love to" "Bullshit each other and" "Glad-hand one another, and" "There's no room for the fucking" "Crippling honesty of comedy." ""I'm a painter."" "Well, you don't probably need to" "Do that." "At some point, yeah, you had to" "Paint to--yeah, cavemen did" "That because they didn't have a" "Word for a fucking "arrow" and" ""deer."" "If you're painting something" "That doesn't exist, I understand" "That." "I can appreciate, like, salvador" "Dali shit, like melting" "Clocks." "I'm a tripper." "I don't see melting clocks a" "Lot." "That's something I can stare at." "But if you're painting--oh it's" "A barnyard seen in autumn." "Well, then just take a picture" "Of a barn in autumn." "It's way better than a" "Painting." ""well, you just don't appreciate" "It because you're shallow."" "You have to look at all the" "Detail that the artist put into" "Every tiny brushstroke." "Well, look at the detail in 9" "Billion megapixels on a fucking" "Camera." "Someone worked their ass off to" "Make that fucking computer chip," "Some woman in hong kong with a" "Diamond glass trying to put a" "Chip together with all those" "Megapixels, she's as much of an" "Artist as you." "She doesn't get a gallery" "Showing every Friday and get to" "Grow out her armpit hair without" "Explanation." "What about her?" "What about her?" "(audience cheers and applauds)" "I really don't like art with a" "Message unless the message is" "Crystal clear." "It doesn't--if you have a" "Message that really needs to be" "Said, just fucking say it." "Don't hide it in indecipherable" "Lyrics, fucking sculpture." "It's a play, and there's" "Subtext." "Fucking say it 'cause the people" "Who need to hear messages are" "Dumb as shit." "The masses of humanity are dumb" "As shit, and you're really just" "Pandering to your friends." "Say what the fuck you mean." "Just say it, title the song," "Eat more leafy greens." "Yeah, give a hoot, don't" "Pollute." "It's as much message in art" "Combined 'cause I get that." "It's a poem, but I'm pretty sure" "You're saying don't pollute." "But if you have something" ""ooh I have the cure for cancer," "And I have hidden it in this" "Rubik's cube."" "Just fucking say it." "Art with a message." "'cause I don't care anymore." "Like I used to have some type of" "Social relevance in my act, and" "There was a point where I--I" "Really gave a shit about stuff" "To a--to a point where it was" "Ruining my life." "And I guess like 10 years ago I" "Thought well, yeah, you know," "I'm gonna" " I'm gonna change the" "World." "I'm gonna talk about stuff." "In 20 years of comedy, I've" "Probably had a dozen good points" "That I reflect on and go," "That was actually a really" "Fucking good piece, and it" "Really--it had a point that" "Made sense, but the whole" "Changing the world thing never" "Really kicked in." "The revolution I was starting" "Where I thought I could yell at 200 people in a bar every night" "And change the world, yeah, it" "Didn't--didn't quite happen," "Like egypt and syria." "Yeah." "And it's--it's frustrating," "Because you do a bit, and then" "You'd go, "oh, that's fucking" "Really good, and then it just" "The problem is still there." "And someone will say, "oh," "Abortion's back in the news."" "And you go, "why?" "I already solved that on a 2004" "Release." "How can it possibly still exist?" "I've yelled at thousands of" "Drunk people about that." "Maybe I'll rewrite it and" "Repackage it."" "It gets frustrating as shit" "Where you're like I don't care." "Fuck it." "Fuck everyone." "It's just frustrating as if you" "Live in a world full of starving" "People where occasionally you" "Could point out food that no one" "Else seemed to notice, for a" "Living, where you go on stage" "And you'd go, "did you ever" "Notice there's a plate of" "Nachos right over there?"" "And people would go, "oh, he's" "So right, there is a plate of" "Nachos." "I never noticed that."" "But instead of eating them," "They shove them up their noses" "And assholes for entertainment" "Value and get no nutrition out" "Of it even though they're" "Fucking starving to death." "And it's not just the audience" "Or the world, even my own social" "Circle, people who fucking" ""doug, you know, what you said" "About gay marriage, that was" "Right on the money." "Marriage itself is an antiquated" "Institution." "It has no place in a progressive" "Society." "It has nothing that anyone needs" "To do." "I'm still getting married on" "Saturday though 'cause janice" "Doesn't really--yeah, she" "Doesn't get your act." "She doesn't think you're funny," "So we're getting married, but" "It's a really good point though." "And what you said--that one" "Thing you said, overpopulation." "You're right, doug." "You're not really funny anymore," "But you're right." "What you said about" "Overpopulation, most of the" "World's problems are based on" "Overpopulation." "There's just too many god damn" "People." "We're still gonna have the baby 'cause janice's biological clock" "Is ticking, and plus we live in" "A gated community." "It's not really overpopulation" "If you're gonna afford to send" "It to a montessori school is" "My take, but it's right" "What you're doing is a good" "Thing, and you should keep doing" "It, and don't die on us." "What you said about drugs," "You're right on the money, doug." "Drugs, I never thought of it" "Like that." "It's a private property issue." "All drugs should be legal 'cause" "Your body is your own private" "Property." "You own your own meat." "If you own nothing else in the" "World, you own the fucking meat" "That's packing your bones." "Yeah, so all the drugs - yeah," "It doesn't matter what it is." "Drugs, to fucking, just put a" "Needle in your arm, tattoo" "Yourself, pierce yourself," "Fucking eat cheese sandwiches," "Throw cheese sandwiches down" "Your top hatch till you're so" "Fat you have to pay for two" "Seats on southwest airlines." "That's your prerogative 'cause" "You own your own meat." "Do whatever you want to it." "Drink yourself silly." "You find something living" "Rent free in your uterus, evict" "That motherfucker." "This is private property." "There's no squatter's rights." "Pay rent or quit." "That's a good point, doug." "Drugs should be your own" "Prerogative, whatever it is," "Huffing a gassy rag, that's" "What you wanna do, except for" "Heroin 'cause that's what killed" "Hedberg." "That's what we really need the" "Federal government to come in" "And stop this, and I can't" "Understand why I'm so fucking" "Thirsty all the time." "I'm--you're so right." "You're so right." "I just don't listen." "(audience cheers and applauds)" "So I just don't give a shit" "Anymore." "That's what I do for a living." "I try to write more fist-fuck" "Jokes and enjoy myself more." "It doesn't matter." "We ain't winning shit." "I got on--I get to a point" "Where, like, my act was making" "My entire life miserable where" "It's just--and it's still not" "Good, but it's--I just hate" "Everything and fuck it, it's so" "Dumb." "Doesn't anyone see how dumb this" "Is?" "Like some people go, "isn't" "The world a crazy place?"" "And they're fine with that." "And I'm like, "this is fucked" "Up." "This is really fucked up." "We're like dark ages people, and" "I'm not even smart." "And that's the most terrifying" "Part when you realize I'm not" "Even a bright person, but I'm" "Still probably in the top 3%" "Of the smartest people on this" "Planet, and I'm pretty" "Fucking dumb." "And you go, "how alone are we?"" "And then you go, "I don't give" "A shit."" "At one point, you go, "44."" "I'm way closer to dead than I" "Am life of the party, and I" "Don't have children, so why am I" "Getting so enraged about all" "This nonsense?" "I don't care." "I don't care getting all upset" "About the fucking planet." "I'm gone pretty soon." "I left no litter behind." "That's your problem." "I'm treating this planet like" "The fucking rental car that it" "Is, and I'm turning it in" "Trashed with a bumper hanging" "Off, fuck your insurance, fuck" "The environment, I didn't ask to" "Be here." "(audience cheers and applauds)" "Someone created me." "Yes, I know that's a selfish" "Thing." "It's a selfish thing." "But you know what?" "I've cared about other stuff," "And, yeah, me not caring about" "Stuff, well, affect it as much" "As me caring about stuff, which" "Is none." "I just wanna close strong." "I wanna--I wanna have a great" "Closer." "As a comic, I want to have a" "Great closing bit." "I want to have a great closing" "Bit for my career." "Once I find that bit, I can stop" "Yelling about stuff and slink" "Off." "I don't care if I have to" "Fucking whatever for a living." "weloveyouanyway." "whodowe gottokill ?" "whodoyouhavetokill?" "No." "The closer, the closing bit" "Last year at sea world, a killer" "Whale leapt out of the tank" "And grabbed its trainer by the" "Head and pulled her underwater," "And ate her at the end of a live" "Performance." "I don't know that it was the" "Scheduled end of the show," "But on that night they decided" "To close on it." "It leapt up, grabbed her" "Ponytail, pulled her underwater," "And chewed on her for quite some" "Time." "'cause it's a fucking killer" "Whale." "You can't give it the hook like" "It's vaudeville, like," "¶ na na na na-na wa ¶" "No." "They had to let it go." "And I read that story with such" "Palpable envy 'cause that's" "Everything I want to bring to" "Stage." "That story--like, if I could" "Find some parallel closing bit," "I would never do comedy again 'cause that's everything I wanna" "Present to an audience is it's" "Inherently hilarious, but it's" "Got a sense of horror, and it's" "Just a horrifying--but it " "There's an unmistakable message" "And justice within because" "First of all, you're not a" "Killer whale trainer." "You didn't call yourself and" "Dress up in the spandex like a" "Killer whale." "You're not a killer whale" "Trainer because from my limited" "Knowledge of marine biology," "Killer whales come out" "Previously trained." "They're already perfect killer" "Whales unless you're trying to" "Train them to do backflips for" "Fucking sardines and to dance on" "Their tails which they don't do" "Naturally." "You're training them to be" "Fucking circus monkeys and--by" "Withholding a food source." "You're not a trainer." "You're a fuck-with-er." "You fuck with killer whales." "That's what you do." "You take away their food until" "They do unnatural acts and then" "You call yourself a" "You can say, "oh, no, she did a" "Lot of hard work, and the" "Research they did because of the" "Sea world." "She could follow their mating" "Habits and help them proliferate" "In the wild when they're a" "Dwindling species," and you go," ""yeah, you could do that" "Regardless without making them" "Dance on their tails 'cause" "They're starving for a fucking" "Fish." "You could've done it without" "Fucking with them." "So don't tell me they did a lot" "Of good work 'cause you could" "Have done that without the--fuck" "With them." "That's like if I went to somalia" "Right now, worst drought in 60" "Years, I picked up a dozen kids" "That were starving to death and" "Brought them over here to help" "Them." "But first, I paraded them out on" "Stage for a matinee show and" "Drug a wiener on a string till" "They jumped through a series of" "Burning hoops, and then at the" "End I made them present and" "Stand and jump on their tippy" "Toes to get the hotdog, and" "They go--¶ ta-da ¶" "You wouldn't call me a trainer." "You'd call me an asshole, and" "You would clap and applaud" "Wildly when they turned on me" "And ate my head in front of the" "Fucking sold-out show." "(audience cheers and applauds)" "And that's everything I'm" "Jealous of." "When I find that in the closing" "Bit 'cause that's a serious" "Closer." "That's a closer because anyone" "Who was at that live performance" "Will never be able to enjoy live" "Entertainment again." "Nothing will ever top what they" "Saw, and no one can ever top" "Their story." "I was at monterey when fucking" "Hendrix lit his guitar on fire," "And he was on acid, and I was on" "Acid, and everyone was on acid," "And ahh!" "Oh, yeah?" "Yeah." "I was at" "(chuckles)" "I was at sea world." "I was at sea world last February" "Where I watched a killer whale" "Chew on its trainer's head in" "Front of a glass, in front of" "Screaming children with their" "Parents trying to cover their" "Eyes, recoiling in horror," "Heading for the exits, but still" "Having to stop and watch for" "Over 35 minutes." "So yeah, no, I don't wanna go" "See your friend danny play" "Flamenco guitar at the vip" "Lounge." "I gotta go." "I'll be--I'll be back." "(audience cheers and applauds)" "I shall return." "Thanks, have a good night." "What, the bottle?" "Yeah, no, I'll do that." "I'm gonna drink--the lady" "Bought me the beer, and then the" "Other lady said, "I'm gonna" "Drink it." "I'm gonna drink some and then" "I'll get a bottle, how's" "That?" "(in high-pitched voice)" "Don't wait to get drinks." "She'll just get chattier if I" "Don't..." "Here, have this drink." "(laughter)" "It's easier than fucking you." "I'm just saying." "Ioughtto be offendedby" "That." "youshouldbe offendedby" "That?" "yes." "no,I saidyouweren'teasy" "To fuck, which you should be" "Offended by 'cause fucking" "Should be something that comes" "Easy." "Fucking is not something you" "Should build your life around." "Easier than giving you the" "Disease by fucking you-- whatmakesyouthink-- mygirlfriendis retarded," "But she could explain this joke" "To you."