"NORMAN'S CONQUEST" "You got the next round ready for the ladies in the back room?" " Almost." " Aren't they a cute group?" "The Golden 80s Club." "A bunch of old widows and spinsters get together and play connect the liver spots." "I agree with Diane, Carla." "They're absolutely adorable." " You like anybody who calls you sonny." " Yeah." "All set, Diane." "This is quite a load." "I'll take two trips." "Yes." "There is a non-professionaI for you." "Last round, I got them all in one trip." " One more beer." " Like me to carry it for you?" "No." "No problem." "I'll simply do as the noble women of primitive tribal cultures do " "I'll balance it on my noodle." "Those sweet little old ladies are gonna love this!" " Look!" "It's Lawrence Welk!" " No!" "Stop!" " And you're wrong." " In your hat." "I've lost track, Carla." "What round is this?" "I can't count that high." "So we can follow the fun, what's this fight about?" "We're not fighting." "We're discussing a difference of opinion." "Vodka rocks, two." "I think Sam is a heartless, mindless, slack-jawed cretin and he disagrees." "He'll see reason eventually." "Let me know when his head lights up." "You take a connecting flight to get to the point." "We were talking about the way you don't trust me, motormouth." "No, broken brow, we settled that." "You were proven wrong and we moved on." "Credit me with enough intelligence to humiliate you in the right subject area." "My favourite couple." "Steve and Eydie Amin." " Afternoon, everybody." " Norm!" " Normie, could this be Vera?" " With expensive surgery, maybe." "This is Emily Phillips and she runs a boutique downtown." "I've just taken them on as a client." "Why are they so excited?" "You said you had lots of clients." "They're naturally happy people." "They sing the live-long day." "Hi." "Welcome to Cheers." "I'm Sam Malone." " What kind of boutique is it?" " A dress shop, struggling to survive." "Thanks to Norm, I'll get a healthy tax return." "I did a few simple things." "She wasn't writing off her cockroaches as livestock." "I'm so proud of us." "Women have taken our place in society as never before." "Working, doing, rising on merit through the ranks." "We are taking our place alongside of and in many cases above men." " Once exploited, now we are equal." " Shake it up!" "I'm dry over here!" "Excuse me." "Pardon me." "I gotta call the shop." "I really like this Cheers place." " Do you come here often?" " What's often?" " Two or three times a week." " Then I don't come here often." " Can I have a beer?" " You told her you have a lot of clients?" "75. 200 would be stretching it for someone working out of his car." "What's going on?" "You seem kind of friendly." "She brought me in to celebrate the outstanding work I did." "I don't know." "I sense something between the two of you." "The temperature rose when you two walked in." "You're her new accountant." "Have you gone over her figure?" "Does she have sizeable assets?" "Is she showing you capital gains to make you liquidate your holdings?" "It's all very well to be witty, but you don't understand." "She's just a nice lady and she wanted to show me her appreciation." "That's what you think." "Haven't you noticed the looks she's shooting at you?" "Like you're a juicy steak, soon to be sizzling on a grill." "Here she comes." " Where do you want to sit?" " That table's fine." " What can I get you?" " Whatever you have will be fine." "Come on." "Don't be ridiculous." "Let's submit this to our resident expert on womenology." "Well, I don't usually think of myself that way, but..." "I'd be happy to share my thoughts." "What do you think, Sam?" " I think she's scouting your territory." " Norman, ignore these blatherskites." " They're having fun at your expense." " She's right." "The emptiness of their lives causes them to cast aspersions on yours." " You can say that again." " No, I can't." "I know these guys are joking." "They know that if anything did happen it would injure the special one you love." "I'd get over it in a couple of weeks." "Look at the way she's looking at you." "She is hot for your bod." " There you go." " There you are." "I've been getting lonely." "Would you excuse me just one moment, please?" "You're right." "The woman's a she devil." " What shall I do?" " The course is clear." "You act like the man you are and submit to her every demand." "Thank you." "Can I have an opinion from someone who's had a date this century?" "You told her you were married, right?" "Course." "She knows about Vera." "I mentioned her a few times." "My wedding ring's there for everyone to see, at a pawn shop on Boylson Street." "You see?" "You're always making these crass, adolescent jokes about Vera." "This woman takes you seriously." "She thinks you don't care about your wife." " Don't listen to her." "Go for it." " Be a man, Norm." "You are recommending Norman commit adultery." "It happens all the time, stick." "That's the way life is." "The difference between "Dynasty" and the real world is they got better hair cuts." "What do you think, Sam?" "I think it's stupid to jump into bed with somebody you're working with." "I didn't mean stupid in the unintelligent sense." "Sam's depressed." "This is the year his age caught up with his IQ." "That's years away." " Norm, do you find her attractive?" " Of course." "She's very attractive." "If it was me she was attracted to," "I wouldn't be hanging around a bar talking to jerks." "Yeah, Norm." "Do something." "Come on." " Is anything wrong, Norm?" " He's gonna take care of you." " Just a sec, Emily." " Norm." "Look." "If you're scared, I'll take charge." "With me it won't be sinful." "Just unsightly." "If you're interested, strike while the iron is hot." "Norman, will you do me a favour?" " What?" " Call Vera." " Why?" " Just call her and listen to her voice before you rend asunder the inviolate garment of your marriage." "Diane, please." " Are you afraid?" " Afraid to talk to my own wife?" "Emily, I'll be with you in a minute." "Quick business call here." "Hello, Vera, it's Norm." "I'm at Cheers." "It's 8:05." "You need me, you've got the number here." "Bye." " You have an answering machine?" " No, that was Vera." "I think you'd better give the lady what she wants." "If you don't come across, she's going to drop you like a bad habit." "Norman, has it come to this?" "Are you going to sell your virtue to the first person who buys you a drink?" "If you were a woman, we'd have a name for you." "I kind of like Becky." "I realise Norma is closer." "You just have to add U-H, but..." "Could everybody back off?" "Is my private life a subject of public debate?" " You backing out?" " Guys, lay off." "OK, Sam." "Norm, we were just kidding with you." " We knew you wouldn't do it." " We know what kind of guy he is." "We know he wouldn't cheat on Vera." "All right." "Norm, look." "We'll even sing your wedding song for you." "Yes, dear." "Of course." "Right away." "You think I'm the heavyweight champion wuss." "Unchallenged." "Stand back and eat my dust." "Stormin' Norman is primed for love." "You better hurry up." "She's on her way out." "Hey, Emily." "Wait up." "Are you trying to ditch me?" "It's obvious you'd rather be with your friends." "I'm in the way." "That was rude." "I'm sorry." "I'd like to make it up to you." " It's OK." " Please." "Let me buy you dinner." "That might be nice." "But I don't feel like being around people any more." "Me neither." "I guess I could fix a little something over at my place." "Sounds good." "You don't have to go through with this." "Have there been any innovations in women's undergarments since 1965?" "I'm so disappointed in Norman." "Your problem is a lack of understanding of the male of the species." "Man was not made to be monogamous." "It's an artificial phenomenon imposed from without." "The male can never have enough women." "Or in your case, any." "Don't be too hard on Norm." "He's inexperienced." "He got swept away." "It makes me almost grateful the amount of experience you've had with women." "I think by now your curiosity is satisfied, your inexplicable lusts sated." "If our relationship remains as strong as it is now you'll have no need for sexual experience with another woman." "Oh, my God." "What do you mean, "Oh, my God?"" "I just never thought about that before." "My last woman." " You do agree, don't you?" " I don't know." " Why not?" " Come on." "Something could happen to you." "You could die or go insane or..." "What happens if you don't age well?" "What would happen if I went down in an aeroplane over South America and was taken captive by a tribe of huge women who made me their sex slave." "Forced by High Priestess Bettina and her handmaidens to satisfy them day after day after day." "Come on." "Be realistic, Diane." "I thought of something." "What if Vera calls wanting to know where Normie is?" " Tell her he stepped out." " That's kind of flimsy." "OK." "He went to a movie with you." "That's nice." "Norm and I haven't been out together in a long time." "Mrs Peterson, Norm's out with a dame." "Give me that!" "Coach, if you were at the Alamo, we'd all be wearing sombreros." "What?" "Emily who?" "Yeah." "Norm's dame." "Of course he isn't here." "I thought he was pitching woo with you." "You're kidding." "Oh, man." "It figures." "I'll tell him to call you." " What?" " We should have known." " Norm chickened out." " Come on!" " What happened?" " He dropped her off and went to park." "That was two hours ago and she hasn't seen him since." "If he has any pride, he's killed himself." " He just came to his senses." " He came to his knees." "He did the decent, honourable and moral thing." "We'll make him pay the rest of his life." "Quiet!" "Here he comes." "Just act like you don't know anything." "Something tells me you boys can handle that." "She's an animal." " Evening, everybody." " Norm!" "I'm spent." "Give me a beer, Coach." " She couldn't get enough of you?" " I had to climb out the fire escape." "You got to give us all the details, Norm." "And I mean details." " Is everybody over 21?" " Don't do this." " Shut up and let the man talk." " Come on." "I think this just about says it all." "Major hickey!" "It's the only one I can show in mixed company." "Norm, I hate to see you make a fool of yourself, but Emily called." "She wants more?" "That woman is insatiable!" "She wanted to know where you were." "You didn't show up." "And everybody here knows it." "Of course." "Do you expect her to brag about it?" "Only a crass lowlife would do that." "Let's go and talk in the pool room." "Big guy wants some pointers now!" "I'll fill you in." "What a pathetic display." "I'm ashamed God made me a man." "I don't think God's bragging either." "I didn't even have the guts to go in." "I've been in the car for two hours." "What about your hickey?" "I've got a vacuum cleaner in the glove compartment." "I'm such a coward!" "Come on, Norm." "Meaningless affairs aren't all they're cracked up to be." " Did they make me happy?" " Ecstatic." "Yeah, but that's me." " You're a different kind of man." " You're telling me." "Sammy, can I make a confession to you right now?" "Please don't." "I love my wife." " That's not as bad as I thought." " It gets worse." " Oh, God." " Vera is the only woman I've ever had." "When you say "had", you mean..." " Yes." " Come on, man." "Be serious." " I am." " What's wrong with that?" "I don't even want other women, Sam." "Don't get me wrong." "I get urges." "If I acted on them, I'd be no better than a rutting pig." "A happy, singing, dancing, rutting pig." "What was this about?" "You make it sound like you're confessing a crime." "People don't brag about loving their wives." "Have you seen guys slamming beers and exchanging great tales of marital bliss?" "So those jokes about Vera are a bunch of baloney." "You really love her?" "Course I do." "Most of them aren't even true." "Like that one about the tentacles." "I can only speak for myself, but I think that's wonderful." "You may not believe me, but I envy you." " You envy me?" " Yeah." "I used to think that the more women I conquered, the more I'd be a man." "And now I'm just looking for the right one." "Now you've found Diane." "When they made her they broke the mould." "And tried to pretend it was an accident." "You're doing it, too!" "And you know why?" "Because you're a guy." "Deep down, we're terrified of being wusses." "Someone's got to pay for that." "Might as well be women." "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help overhearing what you just said." " How much?" " Everything." "I discovered, if you go into the women's room, wet your ear and jam it against the wall, you hear the occasional word." "Just be glad I did." "Listen to me." "I have something to say to you." "I can help you." "I want to say it to your face." " You are a ladies' man." " I am?" "Yes." "You're a one-woman man and every woman loves and respects that." "Don't live your life in deference to what some beer-swilling swine think." "Gee, I always have." "Norman, they're unhappy with their marriages or lack thereof." "They're waiting for you to throw yours away and lower yourself to their level." " I hate them." "God, I hate them." " Me too." "It's time I faced up to it." "My marriage is my most prized possession and next to my Honda Civic, my only possession." "I love my wife." "I don't care who knows." " Hey, you guys!" "Listen up out here." " You're a wimp!" "I love my wife." "I'm not about to throw away 11 years of marriage." " Isn't he sweet?" " You're a wuss, Norm." " Let me finish!" " Norman, stand up to them." "I won't throw away 11 years of marriage." "I'm looking for someone to haul it away!" "Let me tell you about my honeymoon suite, or, as I call it, the Dead Zone." "Want to see an impression of my wife at the dentist's?" "Where's my jacket?" "This is gonna be great." "Oh, shut up." "Doctor, would you please clean my fangs?" " Do you believe this?" " I don't want to miss this." "English"