"Okay, here it goes." "I'm Justine Alice Parker." "I live at 58 Zealand Road." "I've got 18 pairs of knickers, 14 pairs of shoes, not including trainers." "I'm an Aries." "I'm a vegetarian sort of and I'm a virgin." "Sounds so terminal, doesn't it?" "Virgin..." "I've got to make a choice." "I've got to choose a bloke to, you know, do it with." "But, like, how do I know which one?" "If only blokes had barcodes, it would be so easy." "You'd look at a guy with your laser eyes, scan his lines and boing!" "Barcode tells you everything." "Because how do you know which is Mr. Right Bloke?" "Big question." "Genderwise, being a girl is the best." "No contest." "The wardrobe opportunities are endless." "Girls make you laugh till your socks get wet!" "I mean, blokes." "What are they all about?" "Men are a mystery, like real-life X-Files." "All that testosterone stuff." "They act like infants most of the time." "Not like us." "We're totally more evolved." "Fran knows everything about men." "She's gonna do a Ph. D. in blokeology." "Two fruit bars, please." "Fran says there is a Mr. Right, one guy who's it." "The one." "It's predestined." "Like Videoplus numbers in the TV Times." "You type in this long number and boing!" "Machine knows when to switch on." "It's like that with blokes." "Meet the right one and boing!" "The jigsaw piece is found." "Suddenly, everything's yummy." "Dogs bark, bees buzz and the world is switched to permanent chill." "If there's no point in doing it unless it's with Mr. Barcode Jigsaw Piece then I run the risk of never doing it." "I could be the world's first 104-year-old virgin." "You lose your virginity once, so you want to do it right." "Right?" "You want to be able to look back and think warm stuff about the night you lost it." "Not, "Oh, shit, why did I do it with that creep?"" "What?" "We've only been going out two hours and 24 minutes." "Are you frigid?" "No." "Lesbian?" "No." "You'll know what to do with this then." "I mean, I don't want much." "Just a bit of romance." "Ciao, ice woman." "No, bollocks." "Strike that." "I want a lot of romance." "Loads." "I want the whole works." "I want Mr. Right Bloke to sweep me off my size fives and whisk me away on a magic carpet ride of romance." "I want a moonlit serenade." "I want to see a blanket of stars and hear soft words in my ear." "I want to be flown head-on into a massive, swirling vortex of emotion." "Such a great word, isn't it?" "Vortex..." "You zapped his barcode and it registered " no sale. "" "No sweat." "Don't win the lottery unless you scratch a few cards." "Maybe there is something wrong." "I'm a 17-year-old virgin." "It's so much easier if you're a bloke." "Just orbiting the Earth like a lunar module looking for a docking." "Maybe I should be more like Hoover." "More willing." "Strap a mattress to your back and call yourself " Futon. "" "Isabelle Jasmine Clarkson." "Also known as "Shake and Vac. "" "Or simply, "The Hoover. "" "She may not be the sharpest tool in the shed." "But what she missed out on brains she made up in hormones." "She grew breasts at 9." "She's a walking, talking, hip-swishing man magnet!" "No man has ever said no to Hoover." "Her technique?" "To give them exactly what they want, and then some." "Number 14." "My God!" "The Alex thingy!" "Thorne." "Sex on two legs." "Age 17." "Five-foot-ten." "Virgo." "Half-owns a Volkswagen with elder brother Mark." "But he's, like, big-league totty." "I can't just walk up and say, "Give me your love babies!"" "We need a strategy." "I know him." "Who?" "Anorak man?" "Chas Lovett." "We went to juniors together." "He owns several anoraks." "Chas Lovett, your time has come." "I'm in two minds." "To go techno, new millennium or play safe with olde worlde." "Then, of course, there's undersea." "I'm having this Jacques Cousteau Memorial notion." "What is that?" "Chas Lovett." "Sadder than the sad people from sad city." "Mum, Jackie." "Into country and western." "I'm just delivering it." "Stepdad, Frank." "Part-time inventor and carnival-float designer." "Won't have it under my roof." "Keep it in the shed." "Masturbation during adolescence I can understand, condone even." "You can damage a boy talking like that." "Greatest fear of man:" "Your mother knowing you enjoy the old Jodrell." "Not quite dork, not quite nerd." "Nerdish." "Into computers." "Bit sad." "Surfs the inter-thing and listens to Morrissey." "Very sad." "Does a paper round." "Too sad." "Hi, Chas." "Hi, Justine." "Sit down." "Take the weight off your wrigglers." "Here's what we want you to do." "The Virtual Reality Expo's not nerdy." "It's something you'd get off on." "It's all stuff you can do." "Simulated motor racing aeroplane dogfighting, virtual-reality kickboxing..." "Stand over there." "Don't want these foxes to think we're together." "Simulated Tour de France, windsurfing, clay pigeon shooting..." "I think there's even a sex machine being developed by a Swiss team." "A real sex machine?" "Where you get inside, they plug you in and...?" "Yeah, I think so." "Well, get me a ticket." "Lend us your bike." "I can't." "I need it to get to college." "They've invented a sex machine." "Reckon it'll make men obsolete." "So if you want to grab some old-style rumpo before it's out of fashion..." "Dad, why does it keep doing this?" "!" "It's okay." "Start again." "Remember the sequence?" "I've got a way to remember." "" Isabelle Clarkson Gives Head Between Math Revision Seminars. "" "Ignition, Clutch, Gear, Hand Brake Mix, Revs and Steering." "Isabelle gives what?" "Look out!" "Geeky-sounding guy just called." "Says Saturday's fixed." "Where are you going?" "Justine, come back!" "I'll drive." "I can do it." "She's useless!" "Lucy, get out." "What am I going to wear?" "Lucy, stop." "Lucy, stop the car!" "My body is my temple." "My aura is all positive." "My aura is all positive." "My face is my portal." "My face is..." "I'm not happy with my feet." "I don't know." "Maybe." "Special occasion or date?" "Date." "You want heels." "You want heels." "You want tilt." "I don't know." "Statistics show heels score on average 48 percent more than flats." "It's to do with calves." "Man is a wild animal, right?" "Inside." "Back in time, he was a hunter-gatherer." "So he's triggered by instinct." "Taut calves equals fleeing beast." "Fleeing beast triggers desire to pursue." "He chases taut calves." "Even if you don't buy heels, you'll want to do calf-raises." "Fifty at a time." "You'll be killer." "Smell that." "It's gorgeous." "Perfume's a waste of time." "But what about pheromones?" "Scent stimulation?" "How much have you spent on perfume in your life?" "I don't know." "A hundred, maybe 200 pounds." "And how many guys have ever said "Oh, Justine, you smell wonderful"?" "None." "I rest my case." "Big question with Alex, the first kiss." "Tongue or no tongue?" "Big question." "Mouth open or closed?" "A bit open." "It's either open or it's not." "See, closed is just too cat's bottom." "Open." "Open is scary." "It's like I'm going to eat him." "Later, honey!" "Hi, Alex!" "I'm Justine, Chas' friend." "Hi, Alex." "I'm Chas' friend, Justine." "Good to meet you!" "I'm Justine." "Alex blew us out." "Why?" "Got a date with Hoover." "Hoover!" "Bitch!" "I can't stand it." "It's all so..." "Hello, darling!" "No." "This is not on!" "You can't just do that." "You want to attract a member of the opposite sex, you work at it!" "You have to plan, scheme, shop, spend, pamper, preen." "Don't stand with your arse hanging out and go, " Hello, darling. "" "It's not fair!" "You know what, love?" "Your legs would make a lovely scarf." "I can hardly walk." "My calves are bloody murder!" "Should've worn trainers." "Fill in the index." "The address details go on cards for future events." "Look at these!" "Excellent!" "This is the Virtual Beetle." "This is amazing!" "Helicharmers!" "We'll come back to these." "I'm so bored." "Mind the hair." "Your pod is locked and loaded for warp thrust expulsion into battle zone." "Am I supposed to press anything or what?" "Three, two, one!" "Today's mission is a dangerous one." "Immediate bank to avoid collision." "Oh, shit!" "You have manual control." "All systems at your control, captain." "Captain?" "!" "Hostile bandits have laser lock-on." "Take evasive action." "Heat-seeking lasers have lock-on." "Evasive action essential." "You were brilliant!" "How did you fly through those bridge spans?" "Now we can get on Shark Attack!" "I'm taking my shoes off, having a drink, and then I'm gonna be sick." "Miss, if you don't mind my saying, you look radiant." "A vision." "Maybe you'd like to be blonde?" "Dye won't solve anything." "Have higher cheekbones?" "Bigger teeth, fuller breasts." "Maybe you'd like a button nose." "Maybe you'd like a punch on yours?" "Let me introduce Narcissus 1, the three-dimensional makeover machine." "By using Pentium in-line interface biconductive server strands Narcissus can re-create spectral graphic imagery with which you can..." "Shut up, Monica!" "Look, press that." "Hair blonde." "Cool!" "Enjoy." "Door closing." "Just cut the techno crap." "Punters don't care that you're the computer world's Anita Roddick." "They only think two things:" "What can it do for me?" "How much does it cost?" "Yes?" "Miss?" "May I say you're looking divine..." "Scanning profile." "Please stand still." "Place on the visor." "Welcome to Narcissus where all your image dreams can come true." "Which feature would you like to alter?" "Ears?" "Eyes?" "Nose?" "Lips?" "Lips." "Voluptuous." "Nose." "Button." "Resize selected." "Male." "Body toning selected." "Resize selected." "Clock this." "Hello, darling." "All right?" "Hello, sweetheart!" "Rugged." "Blue." "Ears." "Butt." "Cute." "Blond." "Photo real." "God, you're beautiful." "Four-sixty, sir." "Save?" "Delete?" "Copy?" "Delete or copy?" "Thank you very much." "Copy." "Wait!" "Move along." "There's trucks coming through." "Move straight down the street." "Get out of the way." "What?" "Chas, wait!" "Get away!" "Get off, pervert!" "Shit!" "Oh, Jesus!" "Oh, my God!" "Keep away from me, pervo!" "If you want my money, take it." "It's me!" "Justine!" "Look!" "What have you done with her?" "It is me!" "Justine!" "I went into a machine." "Look, just put the spade down." "Jesus, will you stop doing that?" "!" "Help!" "Listen!" "I'm Justine Alice Parker." "I live at 58 Zealand Road." "Little sister, Lucy." "My mate's Fran." "Johnny Depp, dream date." "I've got 18 pairs of knickers, 14 pairs of shoes." "We went to Chisenhale Primary School." "You stuck a straw down your willy." "Nurse Stevens got it out, remember?" "You do a paper round, a sad thing for a 17-year-old." "Your mum sent you to primary with a..." "with a brown rice and tofu lunch box." "And you started building a bean curd mountain behind the radiator." "Until it got discovered by Miss French and Rentokil." "Enough?" "What machine?" "Narcissus something." "If he's gay, how come he supports Arsenal?" "If he's gay, why doesn't he have gay friends?" "He hangs out with that a-hole Alex." "A mother's worst nightmare." "Don't kid yourself." "We don't know who he sees." "Let me stay the night." "What'll I tell my mum?" "What am I gonna tell mine?" "Please." "Just till I get sorted." "I'm just gonna hang this out." "I'd just say, " I want this guy who dresses like Björk and has gender problems to snuggle down in my top bunk?"" "Do you, dear?" "Hello, Mrs. Lovett." "I'm Jake." "Do you support Arsenal?" "Thirty people have been treated for injuries after the gas explosion here at Earl's Court." "Electronics equipment has been severely damaged." "The cost could run into millions." "With no machine, how will I change back?" "Does this wear off?" "Does it have a life span?" "Can I ask you a question?" "What?" "Who was milk monitor before you?" "You still think this is a joke?" "!" "This could be killing me!" "Suddenly I've got thighs like Linford Christie and bulges." "And you think this is all some trick!" "Trina Salmon, okay?" "Otherwise known as " Niffy. "" "You must admit this is weird." "I'm in such deep shit." "What am I going to tell my mum?" "Or Fran?" "One thing I will say, though I'm not at all happy about this I didn't do bad, did I?" "I mean, if I met me and I wasn't me I'd be, like, yes!" "I smell." "It's sweat, but it's kind of, I don't know yummy!" "No, I can't!" "Oh, my God!" "Oh, my God!" "Shit!" "I spoke to Fran." "Said you wouldn't be back." "Didn't seem worried at all." "I've trawled the Net." "No listing anywhere for a Narcissus." "What's the matter?" "Have you any self-help books on the male anatomy?" "Any what?" "Nothing." "No, nothing." "Got any clothes I can borrow?" "Is that your real dad?" "He died when I was 5." "He looks a laugh." "You ought to polish this frame." "Shame to let it get in this state." "How do guys cross their legs?" "They don't much." "It's weird stuff, all that tackle, isn't it?" "Yours is all..." "All, you know, normal?" "Yeah, I think so." "Do you want to have a look?" "No!" "God." "Well, could I see yours?" "You know, just so I could compare." "Guess not." "Ever measured yours?" "Please!" "I'm just curious!" "You read about guys being obsessed by size and I just thought, well, looking at it..." "Believe me, I'm no expert, but looking at it it seems kind of, well it looks kind of well, big." "I'm going to bed." "You ever had sex with a girl?" "Sure." "Who?" "You wouldn't know her." "Them." "What's it like?" "I'm going to sleep." "Never mind, you can mend it." "Couple of months over a soldering iron soon put that right." "It's not like your social calendar's exactly groaning." "But he looked normal?" "Went in a girl, came out a man?" "Clothes were ripped, of course, but the body looked intact." "And his wedding tackle." "That looked normal?" "Half a dining hall landed on me." "People were stomping on my head." "Chances of checking his genitalia..." "You're a genius." "Do you know that?" "Ugly as shit, but a genius." "His friend spends an awful long time in the bathroom." "So?" "He's a bloke who takes care of his appearance." "Just because he likes a bubble bath doesn't make him..." "I couldn't borrow a hair dryer, could I?" "Of course." "Whatever happened to our dreams, girl?" "Whatever happened to our goals?" "Whatever came of aspiration?" "Sorry, I've got no money." "Dazzler." "Taylor." "Knobhead." "Spriggs." "Giblet." "Carter." "Sergeant major." "We don't want "mutoid. " You have him." "We don't want him." "Unless we can have his girlfriend too." "Basketball." "It's like netball?" "What are you waiting for?" "Puberty?" "!" "Dribble it, you frigging girl!" "Did you see Hoover?" "I mean, what was that about?" "Are you all right?" "I'm such a sad case." "I mean, look at you." "You're a girl." "You're a bloke 24 hours and you're more one of the lads than I." "Already top jock, and Hoover's got the hots for you." "Really?" "You think so?" "Shit!" "Come here, girls!" "I can't go in there!" "Can I?" "You've got to change." "God!" "Wait till I tell Fran!" "Once her mum's gone to bed it's dim lights, R. Kelly and out with her old man's Malibu." "Bung a few of those down our necks and..." "Jesus, look at Carter's!" "Don't point!" "The inside's showing." "He's been circumcised." "Poor bastard!" "You want to avoid trouble, don't look and don't say anything about other bloke's bits." "Maggot dick!" "What's all that about?" "Nothing." "Come on." "What?" "Alex's great pleasure is A:" "making out he's hung like a donkey and B: publicly humiliating anyone who's not." "What, and you're...?" "I'm a late developer!" "Size doesn't matter." "You should know that." "And often it's an optical aberration." "Some just look big." "Alex isn't that much of a deal, is he?" "You got a problem, princess?" "A little bit of alco-frolic lubrication and it was time to unleash the python." "She couldn't resist it for a nanosecond." "All over me like chickenpox." "I tell you, they don't call her the Hoover for nothing." "What goes down in the trousers?" "Apart from me?" "Ever had a Jack Russell try to do it to your leg?" "I was a stallion." "Hour after hour, pushing her further and further to the very edge of ecstasy!" "I'm like, "Sorry, did I miss something?"" "He's lying back, basking in the glow of his sad little fantasy world." "Believe me, I've had more fun with a spin dryer." "There's a sort of glow a woman gets when she's satisfied." "Sort of looks drunk, intoxicated." "Eyes glazed with delight." "I felt sick, like I'd eaten a dodgy pork pie." "I thought at least there'd be a Police Incident Unit." "There's not even a copper." "Are you going in?" "I'm thinking about it." "Facing mum's going to be so weird." "Tomorrow night, maybe we could..." "I can't tomorrow." "I'm babysitting, and Alex is coming to watch videos." "He watches videos every Thursday..." "Someone's in my room!" "Could be your mum looking for clues." "It's more like Lucy scoping my wardrobe for her Private Dancer tour." "Well?" "I don't think I can face it." "Mum'll go nuts." "Can you imagine?" "" I'm back." "I now shave and I've got nine inches of sausage in my pants. "" "Nine inches!" "Paradise, aren't they?" "Secret's in the chili sauce." "It's all over your mouth." "I'll do it." "I'm going for a slash." "I'll come with you." "Guys don't do this." "What?" "Go to the bog together." "Girls do, all the time." "Precisely." "Next you'll say they don't talk." "They don't." "Not at all?" "Well, maybe to your mate not that you'd go in with him." "If you bumped into him you might, about football." "But you don't talk to strangers." "Not midstream." "Why?" "Might get the wrong idea." "What about looking?" "Definitely not!" "What, no queuing, no talking, no peeping?" "Don't know what you're missing." "Hoover!" "I mean Isabelle." "Hi." "I need some information about a man." "Out the way!" "You'll be lucky!" "Get a proper job!" "What do you think you're doing?" "Needs a good clean." "Don't be a nincompoop!" "This is a county vehicle." "I won't pay good money to clean it!" "Never mind." "You can have this one on the house." "You know what?" "Looking at your operation, I'd say you've got two problems:" "Location and motivation." "Come on, love." "Back it up, back it up!" "Think of yourself as a midwife." "A pregnant woman comes into your delivery room." "Vulnerable." "Ripe." "She's nervous." "Anxious." "Weary." "Inside, there is a tiny baby a fledgling." "And you're gonna be the one to bring it out of the darkness, into the light." "With every pass of your instrument you let waves flood into the life of this emerging infant." "You take away the darkness and bring forth the light." "All right, mate." "Lovely job." "From the fruits of one man's struggle against the element comes gold!" "No word from anorak city?" "I'll have to see Fran tomorrow." "And Mum." "I'm surprised more people aren't worried." "Fran's been asking after you." "She's obviously getting frantic." "No, "you" you." "Not the other you." "Not Justine." "Fran's been asking about Jake?" "She's got a friend who wants to meet you." "She's bloody matchmaking?" "!" "I'm missing and she's lining up the new me with some girl?" "I wonder who?" "Just imagine the possibilities." "Sex-change operations without the snip." "No-knife cosmetic surgery." "Reconstruct..." "Is that him?" "Ours is taller." "Blond hair." "Much cuter." "More blokes should be like you." "Alex is such a wanker." "No, he's a mate, sort of." "How can you say that?" "He treats you like shit." "You fancied him, remember?" "If he wasn't a mate, everyone would treat me like shit." "Breast implants, well, they'd become antiques." "Silicon shares would plummet." "All because we could build breasts." "Big breasts." "Huge breasts." "Just like that." "Would you believe it?" "Sixty-eight-inch tits." "They reckon she killed a bloke with them once." "Accidental, like." "Spaz, go and nick some of Frank's vodka." "That's ridiculous." "They're just big bags of silicon jelly." "How can that be sexy?" "You really are a bum bandit, aren't you, Jakey?" "I bet you've never had your hands on real tits." "You'd be surprised." "How many babes you got naked with?" "Lost count." "You're full of shit!" "You couldn't handle a woman if she came with instructions." "You couldn't find a G-spot with a map." "Tell me, Dr. Love, how many women have you actually..." "Eighteen." "All the way?" "All the way." "Down and dirty." "Done the business!" "I've even had Hoover." "Congratulations." "I hear she's starting her own newsletter." "Chas has never had any girl." "Not in real life, have you?" "He says he has because no bloke over 12 will admit he's a virgin." "Me?" "I've had virgins." "Loads." "Done my share of cherry-picking." "Had that Fran." "And her mate." "What's her name?" "Justine." "Had her too." "Quiet ones are always best." "First date, done her doggy style!" "You don't know how close I came to making a major mistake." "I would have slept with Alex, if he'd played his cards right." "Why do girls go for guys like Alex?" "I guess we're just programmed." "I've never had a girlfriend." "Ever." "Not even kissed a girl." "Not properly." "You just gotta keep zapping those barcodes." "Maybe I should try and be more like Alex." "He gets girls." "Lots of girls." "I don't." "You're different." "You're a nice guy." "Nice guys don't get laid." "And I'm a geek." "Geek is good." "Geek is very trendy." "Enormously cool guys spend a lot of money looking geeky." "There's "cool" geeky, and there's "geeky" geeky." "I'm only ever going to be "geeky" geeky." "Are you positive?" "Without a shadow." "He is gorgeous." "He's perfect." "Better than perfect." "He's ours." "We'll need to talk to him." "We're going to need to kidnap him." "You're Jake, right?" "How do you know my name?" "I guessed." "You're famous." "You're as beautiful as everyone says." "Get you with the hallmarked tongue!" "There's somebody I want you to meet." "These lights change, I may have to kill you!" "Go round!" "Double back here." "I stop." "You get out, throw him in." "Simple. "Operation Snatch. "" "I'm not sure." "I don't know if I can do this." "Here's a little visionary motivation for you to be thinking about." "You made lover boy." "There's no reason you couldn't, on purpose make one for yourself." "This is gonna sound weird, but there's something I've gotta tell you." "It's about someone we both know." "A mutual friend." "It's just..." "Stop!" "Get out!" "Grab him!" "Just drive!" "Drive, bloody idiot!" "You bastard!" "Is he okay?" "Someone call an ambulance." "Is he dead?" "It was instant, like an emotional cattle prod." "First sight and my barcode went boing!" "He's the one." "He's my jigsaw piece." "If God gave me an Identikit, I couldn't build a better man." "Perfect." "Makes my eggs ache." "I did tell you Fran has an eye." "Are you family?" "Not yet." "Well, then get out!" "No visitors." "This is amazing!" "This is bad!" "There's two of us." "She didn't disappear." "I didn't disappear." "So who am I?" "What am I?" "R.I.T." "Reality Interface Transference." "It's incredible!" "It doesn't happen." "It's just a theory." "It's a nightmare." "I don't even know if I exist." "I'm not her changed into me." "Am I part of her?" "Can I go back to being all of her?" "Is she running around with a big piece missing?" "Listen to me." "I'm calling her " her. " She's me!" "Now she thinks I'm Mr. Bloody Barcode!" "He's like Brad Pitt, Leonardo di Caprio and that gorgeous goalie from Portugal, rolled into one." "Help me before those girls do something stupid." "We need a plan." "Spandex!" "Red spandex!" "No, not red." "It's got to be red." "No way!" "I have never known spandex to fail." "Spandex never fails." "He's a Sagittarius." "According to this, he likes his women bright, engaging vivacious, curvaceous and..." "That's it!" "What does that say to you?" "Desperate?" "She's immune to rejection." "With a bloke, when he gets a whiff of rejection, then he's off." "But a girl, it's like fuel on a barbecue." "A girl won't take no for an answer." "She knows he's not in touch with his feelings." "See, Justine thinks she knows more about me than I do." "She doesn't even know that she is me!" "Hoover's been asking after you." "This is horrible!" "Yeah, right." "Two of the highest-rated babes in history fancy you." "Must be murder." "What do you mean, "two babes"?" "Hoover and Justine." "Justine's a babe?" "I'm a babe?" "Where's the bloody linesman?" "!" "White witchcraft can only be used for good." "If the man you seek is meant for you white witchcraft can open his eyes." "But if he's wrong..." "He's right." "You'll need a lock of his hair and a jar of his morning breath." "Lads' night out." "I love it!" "When are we gonna dance?" "You should wear your hair back." "Gel would make a difference." "Make your face look more..." "Don't do that." "Sorry." "Alex, when are we gonna dance?" "His pint pot's not "a jar of his morning breath. "" "I have every faith this will work..." "I have every faith this will work..." "Into a flame of beeswax and myrrh that burns in the oxygen of his breath." "Introduce strands of his hair and an image of myself, crafted in rice paper." "Just stand and drink?" "We don't dance?" "When the slow ones come on, you can cop off." "You serious?" "!" "Ask a girl to dance and she says no." "Say you weren't asking, you were taking a piss." "You get your hand on the arse of a girl, she don't move it, you're in." "Guaranteed." "Don't buy her mates a drink." "They take advantage." "Order double Malibus, cost you a fortune." "Don't sing to the record." "Make sure she's facing away from her mates." "Try talking dirty." "Have a wank before you dance, else you'll get a stiffy." "This can work straight away or there can be a time-trigger factor." "Look, it's working!" "Get in there while he's under the influence." "Ask him to dance." "Go on, get in there, girl!" "Do you want to dance?" "Sharon the Sorceress said my power might confuse him." "And she also said that cat spittle was precious." "I hate to be the one to tell you this but sooner or later you've got to admit defeat." "You were waiting for a guy to whisk you off on a magic carpet not stalk one with compost sewn into your knickers." "It's a very rare type of leaf mold, actually." "Do you feel it when Hoover looks at you?" "She doesn't." "I had a lump in my throat, then felt my willy..." "It had a life of its own." "I could feel it pulsating." "Sharon said the dazed thing was a good sign." "You just rang Sharon?" "Part of the deal was a midspell helpline." "Sharon suggested a new potion package." "Hoover and I did nutritional science together." "I just thought she was a pain." "I thought of her as a waste of space." "Now, I just keep thinking of her..." "Well, I keep thinking of her naked." "Jake's either gay or he's hot for Hoover." "She's certainly got the hots for him." "Hoover has?" "He's too classy to fall for her methods." "She'd just offer to show him the washing instructions on her duvet." "He's way above all that." "Alex, mate, there's a bird wants to speak to you." "Who loves you, mate?" "Who loves you?" "!" "No girl's ever asked me how to cop off with another bloke." "Usually they want to cop off with me." "I did." "I mean, I used to." "Then I met Jake." "He's a right poof." "He's going out with Hoover." "No!" "What she's got, I haven't?" "Jake's going out with Hoover?" "Bastard!" "Why can she get any bloke?" "Hoover?" "She's the Sierra Cosworth of babes." "High performance." "Great handling." "Universally recognized as a goer of the first order." "She's got pedigree." "What, he thinks Hoover makes him look good?" "For sure." "Mr. Lover-Lover Stud-U-Like." "And me?" "Rumour has it you're not out of the box yet." "What rumour?" "Has Jake ever talked about me?" "Did Jake say that he thought I was a virgin?" "I wouldn't like to say exactly what he said." "You know, code of honour and all that." "Do you think he'd fancy me if I wasn't a virgin?" "Basically it would depend on who you'd done it with." "You'd have to have done the deed with a bloke with pedigree." "A bloke with calibre." "Go on, son, knob it!" "Sorry." "Piña colada, passion fruit, banana..." "Smoky bacon?" "!" "What are you doing here?" "What are you?" "Like it's any of your business." "I thought you should be aware the whole sixth form knows you're gonna sleep with Alex." "Why should I be without a sex life?" "But with Alex?" "Thought he was your hero, your big, big mate. "Good man, Chas!"" "It's just something you shouldn't rush into." "Well, you certainly haven't." "Take some time to think about it." "I've heard the speech from Mum, from Fran from the whole Moral Majority conspiracy." ""You don't want to regret it. " "Save it for someone special. "" "If I listen to you, I'll be on Ricki Lake's " I Waited So Long It Grew Over" show." "So, superstud." "I think I fancy a French tickler." "And a lube tube..." "I know this is some reaction thing to Jake." "That boy's history." "What I need now is a nurse's uniform some handcuffs and a cock ring." "Blimey, what's a cock ring?" "Lemon-meringue nipple arouser!" "Jake is you." "You invented him." "He's your perfect man." "Remember?" "Remember the Expo you went to with me?" "Those awful machines!" "Those anoraks." "A sea of little anoraks." "Remember the Narcissus machine?" "No, I don't!" "Sad boys' stuff." "You designed your perfect man, then something went wrong." "What I do with my body is my business." "Just bog off!" "Something went wrong." "A bit of you broke off and got stuck inside." "Not something you bought here, I trust." "I know you remember." "I know this isn't you." "We offer a gift for purchases over 20 pounds." "Your choices are a nipple-piercing voucher or a marzipan muff glove." "This bloody is me!" "You don't know me!" "The muff glove then." "It's called Reality Interface Transference." "Theoretically..." "Will you shut up!" "I'm sick of your pathetic Star Trek fantasy shit!" "Grow up!" "To just enter adolescence would be a start!" "It doesn't matter what you say to me." "What matters is not doing something you'll regret." "Why should I listen to you?" "I've made up my mind." "Look around." "Everybody's growing up." "It's scary, I know." "It's scarier when it's not happening to you." "Don't hold everyone else back." "Look at yourself!" "Your anorak, your stupid computer games!" "What woman will ever want to sleep with you?" "With Alex?" "Bad choice." "Bad choice?" "That's it?" "Calm down!" "Don't get so worked up." "I know Justine." "She won't go through with it." "Her standards are way too high." "She wants wooing." "Wants the magic-carpet treatment." "Alex isn't up for all that." "Why'd she buy 40 quid worth of condoms and sex toys?" "She's desperate." "Wants to make you jealous." "Thinks shagging Alex will make you want her." "Dumb plan." "Well, I've had it with you two." "I wash my hands of it all." "She wants to shag Alex, she's welcome." "We've got to stop her." "You've got to stop her." "You know, somewhere inside, you are her." "You've got to know how to stop her." "A Liverpool scientist believes a woman is most alluring when she's most fertile." "It's Alex!" "Hubba-hubba!" "Topmost totty!" "I'm your private dancer" "Dancer for money" "I'll do what you want me to do" "This is the most romantic night of my entire life." "It's so perfect." "I know." "What?" "It's too perfect, isn't it?" "Every detail's too good." "No, no, it's magnificent." "You're magnificent." "It's just weird, that's all." "It's like you've read my mind." "I have." "It's like you know everything I'm thinking." "Even before I've thought it." "It's like you've been inside my head and taken notes." "Who are you?" "It's okay." "No big deal." "It's weird but it's okay." "Chas tried to tell you before you scythed through his fragile manhood." "I am you." "You invented me." "I was trying not to hurt you." "I didn't know what to do!" "How do you tell someone that?" "This is great." "This is so great." "At last I think I'm getting somewhere." "The man of my dreams starts acting like one and then..." "Shit, shit, shit!" "Then goes and tells me he's the product of my imagination." "Shit!" "Where is he?" "What's this?" "An identity tag off a computer-arcade machine." "Who's Narcissus?" "The wrong answer could cost you the prospect of fatherhood." "An electronics company who manufactures a cosmetic-makeover machine." "Makeover?" "What you said about me creating Jake was true?" "As far as I know, yes." "You mean that Jake..." "That thing is running round with me... with my what?" "My soul inside him?" "This is all a plot." "You and your freak friends get sick pleasure making me feel like Sigourney Weaver, like an alien's bursting out." "I was gagging for him!" "I really thought he was my..." "I could have..." "I would have..." "It would have been like the worst sort of incest!" "Look, we'll find the Narcissus people." "We'll take Jake to them and..." "They've already got him." "Weren't we just going to ask him a few questions?" "Do a test or two?" "There may not be time." "He could decompose, dematerialize." "Who knows?" "What's that?" "Dihydrothriptamazine." "A subconscious paint stripper." "We need to know how he's bolted together to re-create the process." "Will it do any damage?" "Upstairs?" "Science can be cruel." "We need to assess how much female is left in his memory." "Though, to be honest it's not his brain I'm interested in." "Shit!" "What?" "What's happening to me?" "I'll get it sorted." "I promise." "I'm sorry what I said about you." "I mean, the stuff about you know, no woman ever..." "I'll boot up and input the serial number." "I didn't mean it." "I was just..." "Once we've got the number match, we'll get an address." "Can I have a hug?" "A what?" "Doesn't matter." "She's been up there a long time." "It's gone very quiet." "He's got a girl in his room with a bag, a sack of condoms." "Flavoured ones." "The body parts that are not female may not function normally in a male sense." "How are you gonna test that?" "Electrical impulses of varying voltage." "Another spasm?" "Jesus Christ!" "Shit!" "That felt like..." "That was like some..." "That's their van!" "You do know this is already trespass with intent?" "We could be in a lot of trouble." "He has a recurring dream about being a female warrior called Marlin." "This is epic." "We are so in the big time." "There's some pretty weird stuff about a pony." "Christ, what are they doing to him?" "To me?" "I'll make a diversion." "You climb down the rope and get into the car." "I'm the school nerd." "Remember?" "People make fun of my clothes." "Can you make a diversion?" "Nice diversion, Chas!" "Oh, man!" "Who's that?" "The little maggot!" "Those lovely horses..." "What's wrong?" "Off his face!" "Okay, okay." "Keep calm." "Isabelle Clarkson Gives Head Between Math Revision Seminars." "Ignition, Clutch, Gear...!" "Gate, gate!" "I know." "I was a paramedic on a rescue squad." "What's he on about?" "Brad Pitt was the pilot." "We were maneuvering..." "That's a dream." "That's my dream!" "Me and Brad in a rescue chopper squad!" "Oil from the rig erupted and started to gush out." "This is so spooky." "Chas showed me his greenfly larvae under a microscope." "You had a dream about me?" "You had a dream about me?" "I was a zookeeper and Chas was a famous entomologist." "Maybe I should drive." "Why?" "It's bloke stuff." "My coordination's better." "Bollocks!" "You're scared of your dad's Volvo." "Scared of bumping things." "That was the old me." "Bumping things is good!" "Maybe we should have a frieze." "Sorry!" "I don't know how we'll get that machine into the house." "We're never gonna be able to lift it in." "Shouldn't we slow down?" "We could slide it in." "Slide?" "Slow down." "Like this." "What do you reckon?" "It's really lovely." "Congratulations, Miss Parker, you have passed." "I was having the most amazing dream!" "Where are we?" "Why am I naked?" "Oh, goodness!" "So you are." "I hadn't noticed." "Probably something for college." "A bit broke off." "Hello, love." "You all right, Chas?" "Frank, any chance of borrowing your soldering iron?" "Yes, of course." "Yeah, we got a picture!" "I'm so bummed out." "I thought I'd found the right one." "My barcode jigsaw piece." "Now I've got to start all over." "God, girl, will you give it a rest with the barcode crap?" "Who says there is a right one?" "Books, films, poetry." "History, Fran." "Fran?" "Look, being a bloke's a laugh-ish." "I wouldn't want to be one for long." "Being a girl who lives a doctrine according to Fran is insanity." "I think it's ready." "Are you sure you want to do this?" "No, I'm not sure." "All I know is I'm a non-person." "I don't exist." "I wanna go back to being me before I forget what being me is like." "I'll miss you." "Not necessarily." "Pull the lever, Igor." "Lips." "Voluptuous." "Nose." "Button." "Male." "Body toning selected." "Resize selected." "Rugged." "Blue." "Blond." "Photo real." "Right." "All you gotta do now is delete." "Save?" "Delete?" "Copy?" "Hold on." "This is madness." "You're the most gorgeous guy I've ever met!" "And what I just stab a button and get rid of you?" "This can't be right, surely." "I created the most perfect-looking guy..." "You still don't get it." "" Perfect-looking guy. "" "There's no such thing as the perfect guy." "Jigsaw piece, barcode, any of that stuff." "It's all wrong." "I'm only perfect because this is what you want me to look like." "You're not looking for a partner." "You're looking for ego extension." "Someone who'll meet all your criteria." "Now push the button." "It's taken me forever to find a bloke I can even just talk to!" "Talk to Chas." "I'm not a bloke." "Not inside." "I'm you." "Remember?" "I like being you." "Just didn't know it at the time." "There has to be another way." "Chas, push the button, please." "I can't." "I'm on the wrong circuit." "This is crazy." "If I get rid of you, I'm back where I started." "Exactly." "You can be the Justine you want to be not the Justine you think you need to be." "Delete." "Come on, love." "We ain't got time for you to hatch it!" "Can I sit down?" "How are you doing?" "I'm fine." "Fine." "Yeah, no." "I'm good." "Good." "And you?" "Yeah, I'm good." "Well, no, fine." "Yeah, I'm fine." "Do you miss him?" "Kind of." "But I feel like he's still here, you know." "Does that sound stupid?" "It's just I feel stronger." "Different." "Yeah, me too." "I did, I just, you know..." "Oh, God." "Look, here's Fran." "Oh, right." "I'd better get off anyway." "Yeah, I just wanted to say..." "It's mad, really." "It's just, when I'm near or when I see you I really like..." "Oh, this is so stupid." "I just like the way you smell." "What happened to his anorak?" "" I like the way you smell. "" "Can you believe anyone would say that?" "When you grow up, don't ever listen to your big brother." "You'll be the sad bastard everyone crosses the street to avoid." "We're off to Bonanza." "Don't keep her awake too long." "And if Alex comes round, don't let him smoke Frank's cigars." "Have you got my spurs on?" "It's Thursday." "Oh, no." "Alex!" "Alex couldn't make it." "Can I ask your opinion?" "The question is mouth open or mouth closed?" "What?" "That is lips slightly parted." "And this is mouth open." "I just need to know which one's best." "What was the first one again?" "Strange how female attention can make all the difference to a bloke." "No matter how geeky." "It wasn't any time before Chas did the caterpillar thing." "Shrugged off his ugly cocoon and blossomed into a beautiful butterfly." "Or is it a moth?" "Anyway, with a bit of practice, Chas got really good at kissing." "In fact, that boy could snog for Europe." "And he got a lot of practice." "We lasted five months." "Five great months." "After me, he practised with Rachel." "Then Sarah, then Louise." "He even practised with slutty Tina!" "Fran devoted her energy to falling hopelessly in love with totally inappropriate, totally unavailable men." "And Hoover..." "Well, Hooverjust goes on honing her craft." "As for Alex, now there's a turn-up." "Who'd have thought my little sister, Lucy, could tame the beast?" "And me?" "Well, I did do it with Chas." "It was kind of about time." "And it was good!" "No, it was lovely." "I didn't find a mate for life, but that's okay." "Would have been a bit boring if I had." "At least when I look back, I won't think "Why did I do it with him?" "!"" "I'll be thinking " Chas, oh, what a sweetheart!""