"[bright, cheerful music playing]" "Hello, good evening and welcome to another edition of:" "Blood, Devastation, Death, War and Horror." "And later on we'll be talking to a man who does gardening." "But our first guest in the studio tonight is a man who talks entirely in anagrams." "Taht si crreoct." "—Do you enjoy this?" "I stem certainly od." "Revy chum so." "And what's your name?" "Hamrag." "Hamrag Yatlerot." "Well, Graham, nice to have you." "Now, where do you come from?" "Bumcreland." "—Cumberland?" "Staht sit sepreicly." "And I believe you're working on an anagram version of Shakespeare?" "Sey, sey, taht si crreoct." "Ta the mnemot I'm wroking on The Mating of the Wersh." "The Mating of the Wersh, by William Shakespeare?" "Nay, by Malliwi Rapesheake." "And what else?" "Two Netlemeg of Verona, Twelfth Thing," "The Chamrent of Venice." "Have you done Hamlet?" "—Thamel." ""Be ot or bot ne ot, tath is the nestqoui."" "And what is your next project?" "Ring Kichard the Thrid." "I'm sorry?" ""A shroe!" "A shroe!" "My dingkom for a shroe."" "Ring Kichard, yes." "Surely that's not an anagram, that's a spoonerism." "If you're gonna split hairs, I'm gonna piss off." "And now..." "It's" "[Sousa's "Liberty Bell March" playing]" "ANNOUNCER:" "Tony M. Nyphot's Flying Risccu." "[theme music playing]" "ANNOUNCER:" "Mrs. Scab, you have 12 hours to beat the clock." "Correct!" "—I've done it!" "I've done it!" "Aahaha!" "[phone ringing]" "Hello?" "Mr. Victim, yes, I'm glad to say that I've got the go-ahead to lend you the money you require." "We will want as security the deeds of your house, of your aunt's house, of your second cousin's house, of your wife's parents' house and of your granny's bungalow." "And we will, in addition, need a controlling interest in your new company, unrestricted access to your private bank account, the deposit in our vaults of your three children as hostages and a full legal indemnity against any acts of embezzlement" "carried out against you by any members of our staff during the normal course of their duties." "No, we couldn't accept your dog instead of your youngest child." "We would like to suggest a brand-new scheme under which 51 percent of both your dog and your wife pass to us in the event of your suffering a serious accident." "Fine." "No, not at all, nice to do business with you." "Miss Godfrey, could you send in Mr. Ford, please?" "Now, where's that dictionary?" "Ah, yes, here we are." "Inner life, inner life..." "Come in." "Ah, Mr. Ford, isn't it?" "—That's right, yes." "How do you do?" "I'm a merchant banker." "FORD:" "How do you do, Mr...?" "I forget my name for the moment but I am a merchant banker." "I wondered whether you'd like to contribute to the orphans' home." "Well, I don't want to show my hand too early, but actually here at Slater Nazi, we are quite keen to get into orphans." "You know, developing market and all that." "What sum did you have in mind?" "Well, you're a rich man." "Yes, I am." "Yes, yes." "Very, very rich." "Quite phenomenally wealthy." "I do own the most startling quantities of cash." "Yes, quite right." "You're rather a smart young lad, aren't you?" "We could do with you to feed the pantomime horse." "Very smart." "—Thank you, sir." "Now, you were saying, I'm very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very rich." "So how about a pound?" "A pound." "Yes, I see." "Now, this loan would be secured by the..." "It's not a loan, sir." "—What?" "It's not a loan." "Ah." "You get one of these, sir." "It's a bit small for a share certificate, isn't it?" "I think I'd better run this over to our Legal Department." "If you could possibly pop back on Friday..." "Do you have to?" "Couldn't you just give me the pound?" "Yes, but, you see, I don't know what it's for." "It's for the orphans." "—Yes?" "It's a gift." "—A what?" "A gift." "Oh, a gift!" "—Yes." "A tax dodge." "—No, no, no." "Sorry, I don't understand." "Can you just explain exactly what you want?" "I want you to give me a pound, and then I go away and give it to the orphans." "Yes?" "Well, that's it." "No, no, no, I don't follow this at all." "I mean, I don't want to seem stupid, but it looks to me as though I'm a pound down on the whole deal." "Well, yes, you are." "—I am?" "Well, what is my incentive to give you the pound?" "Well, the incentive is to make the orphans happy." "Happy?" "You quite sure you've got this right?" "Yes, lots of people give me money." "What, just like that?" "—Well, yes." "Must be sick." "I don't suppose you could give me a list of their names and addresses, could you?" "No, I just go up to them in the street and ask." "Good Lord." "That's the most exciting new idea I've heard in years." "It's so simple it's brilliant!" "Well, if that idea of yours isn't worth a pound I'd like to know what is." "Oh, thank you, sir." "The only trouble is, you gave me the idea before I'd given you the pound." "And that's not good business." "Isn't it?" "—No, I'm afraid it isn't." "So off you go." "[screams]" "Nice to do business with you." "Anyway..." "—And off we go again." "Miss Godfrey, could you send in the pantomime horses, please?" "[upbeat, lively band music playing]" "[music stops]" "Now, I've asked you in here..." "[music starts again]" "Now, I've asked you..." "[music starts again]" "Shut up!" "Now, I've asked you to see me this morning because I'm afraid we're going to have to let one of you go." "I'm very sorry, but the present rationalisation of this firm makes it inevitable that we hive one of you off." "Now, you may think that this is harsh, but let me tell you that our management consultants actually queried the necessity for us to employ a pantomime horse at all." "And so the decision has to be made which one of you is to go." "Champion, how many years have you been with this firm?" "Trigger?" "I see." "Well, it's a difficult decision." "But in accordance with our traditional principles of free enterprise and healthy competition," "I'm going to ask the two of you to fight to the death for it." "No, I'm afraid there's no redundancy scheme." "NARRATOR [with german accent]:" "In the hard and unrelenting world of nature, the ceaseless struggle for survival continues." "This time, one of the pantomime horses concedes defeat and so lives to fight another day." "Here, in a colony of sea lions, we see a huge bull sea lion seeing off an intruding bull who is attempting to intrude on his harem." "This pattern of aggressive behaviour is typical of these documentaries." "Here we see two limpets locked in a life-or-death struggle for territory." "The huge bull limpet, enraged by the rock, endeavours to encircle its sprightly opponent." "Here we see an ant" "This ant is engaged in a life-or-death struggle with the wolf." "You can see the ant creeping up on the wolf on all sixes." "Now he stops to observe." "Satisfied that the wolf has not heard him, he approaches nearer." "With great skill he chooses his moment and then, quick as a limpet, with one mighty bound, buries his fangs in the wolf's neck." "The wolf struggles to no avail." "A battle of this kind can take anything up to 15 years because the timber ant has such a tiny mouth." "Here we see Heinz Sielmann engaged in a life-or-death struggle with Peter Scott." "They are engaged in a bitter punch-up over repeat fees on the overseas sales of their nature documentaries." "Now they have been joined by an enraged Jacques Cousteau." "This is typical of the harsh and bitchy world of television features." "Here we see a honey bear not engaged in a life-or-death struggle about anything." "These honey bears are placid and peaceful creatures, and, consequently, bad television." "Here we see a pantomime horse." "It is engaged in a life-or-death struggle for a job with a merchant bank." "However, his rival employee, the huge bull pantomime horse, is lying in wait for him." "Poor pantomime horse." "Here, we see a pantomime goose engaged in a life-or-death struggle with Terence Rattigan." "The enraged goose fires." "Poor Terence." "Another victim of this silly film." "Here we see an enraged pantomime Princess Margaret." "She is lying in wait for her breakfast." "The unsuspecting breakfast glides ever closer to its doom." "The enraged pantomime royal person is poised for the kill." "She raises her harpoon and fires." "Peng!" "Right in the toast!" "A brief struggle and all is over." "Poor breakfast." "Another victim of the... [gunshot] [narrator screams] [footsteps] [insect grunts]" "Oh, the pantomime flea has caught himself a nice little dinner, Fred." "[roaring]" "I think the dining room wants his din-dins too." "Your turn today, dear." "[woman screaming]" "[belches] [roaring]" "All right, Mr. Bedroom, you'll get your dinner too." "[man screaming]" "[doorbell rings]" "Postman." "[postman screaming]" "[woman humming]" "[house roars] [man screaming and house growling]" "WOMAN:" "Oh, the 69's late again." "[house roaring and people screaming]" "[toilet flushes]" "[house growling]" "You hear that, Tim?" "Yep." "Could just be the house we're looking for." "ANNOUNCER:" "This, then, is the story of two desperate men hired by the good people at NCP Car Parks to hunt down and destroy houses too dangerous to live." "Well, what do you think?" "—These are house droppings, all right." "Fresh ones too." "Okay, let's go." "Psst!" "Over here." "That's the one." "Cover me, I'm gonna make a try for it." "[house snoring]" "[hunters cheering]" "Get away!" "Hey!" "[insects buzzing]" "[tires screeching]" "ANNOUNCER:" "And so, thanks once again to the unceasing efforts of the good people at NCP Car Parks, the world is made just a little bit safer." "ANNOUNCER:" ""Sketch just starting, actor wanted."" "Good morning." "—Morning, sir." "I'd like to join the army, please." "I see." "Short service or long service commission, sir?" "As long as possible, please." "Right, well, I'll just take a few particulars and then..." "Shove off!" "Then there'll be a few forms to sign." "We'll need references and a medical examination by..." "Yes, I see." "I was just wondering whether it would be possible for me to join the women's army?" "The Women's Royal Army Corps, sir?" "Yes." "I was just thinking, you know, if it was possible for me to have my choice I'd prefer to be in the Women's Royal Amy Corps." "Well, I'm afraid that the people that recruit here normally go straight into the Scots Guards." "Which is all men, I suppose?" "Yes, it is." "—Yes." "Are there any regiments which are more effeminate than others?" "Well, no, sir." "I mean, apart from the marines, they're all dead butch." "See, what I really wanted was a regiment where I could be quiet and have time to myself to work with fabrics and creating new concepts in interior design." "Working with fabrics and experimenting with interior design?" "Yes." "Oh, well, you want the Durham Light Infantry, then, sir." "Oh." "That's the only regiment that's really doing something new with design, with colour, texture, line and that." "Oh, yeah." "I see." "—Oh, yes." "I mean, their use of colour with fabrics is fantastic." "I saw their pattern book the other day." "Beautiful, beautiful." "Savage tans, great slabs of black set against aggressive orange." "It really makes you want to shout out, "This is good!" "This is real!"" "Really?" "—Oh, yes." "The Inniskillin Fusiliers and Anglian regiment are all right if you're interested in the art nouveau bit." "But if you really want a regiment of the line that is really saying something about interior decor, then you've got to go for the Durham Light Infantry." "I've had enough, I'm handing in my notice." "What do you mean?" "When I applied for this, I thought I'd get a few decent lines, but you end up doing the whole thing." "My last five speeches have been:" ""Really, really, I see, I see," and, "Really."" "I wouldn't give those lines to a dog." "—All right!" "All right, sonny." "Tell you what, we'll do something different." "I'll be a bus conductor and you can be a really funny passenger on a bus." "Any more fares, please?" "I've got a chauffeur and every time I go to the lavatory he drives me potty." "Boom-boom!" "One in a row." "♫ I'm not unusual, I'm just... ♫" "Fivepenny, please." "Five pennies going into the bag and you are the lucky winner of one fivepenny ticket." "What's the Welshman doing under the bed?" "He's having a leak." "Oh, they're all in here tonight." "[laughing]" "Look!" "—I am looking." "It's the only way I can keep my eyelids apart." "Boom, boom." "Everyone a Maserati!" "Look, you said I was gonna be a funny passenger." "What do you mean?" "—All I said was, "Fivepenny, please."" "You can't call that a funny line." "—It's the way you said it." "No, it isn't!" "Nobody can say, "Fivepenny, please," and make it funny." "Fivepenny, please." "[laughing]" "Morning." "[both laughing hysterically]" "Not so warm today, eh, George?" "[laughing]" "MAN:" "Good morning." "WOMAN:" "Good morning." "HORTON:" "Good morning." "[all laughing]" "[knocking]" "Come in, Mr. Horton." "Morning, sir." "[laughing suppressed]" "Do, uh..." "Do sit down." "Thank you, sir." "Now then, Horton, you've been with us for 20 years." "Your work in the Accounts Department has been immaculate." "No, no, please don't say anything." "As I say, your work has been beyond reproach, but unfortunately, the effect you're having on your colleagues has undermined the competence..." "Undermined the competence of this firm to such a point that I'm afraid I've got no option, ahem, but to sack you." "I'm sorry to hear that, sir." "It couldn't have come at a worse time." "There's school fees for the two boys coming up and the wife's treatment costing more now, sir." "I don't know where the money's coming from as it is." "And now I don't see any future." "I'd been hoping I might be able to hang on here, just for the last couple of years, but now" "I just want to go out and end it all." "[laughing]" "Thank you, thank you, thank you." "And now for the fish." "The fish down the trousers." "[audience laughing]" "It's your laugh, mate, it's not mine." "It's your trousers, not my trousers, your trousers." "And now for the whitewash." "The whitewash over you." "Not over me." "It's over you." "You get the laughs." "You get all the laughs." "And now for the custard pie in the mush." "It's not my mush, it's your mush." "It's your laugh." "It's your laugh, mate, it's not mine." "It's your bleeding laugh." "[audience laughing] [carnival waltz music playing]" "Good evening." "Tonight, we're going to talk about..." "Well, that is, I'm going to talk about..." "Actually, I'm talking about it now." "I'm not talking about it now, but I am talking." "I'm pausing and not talking during the pauses, but the pauses are part of the whole process of talking." "When one talks, one has to pause." "Like then." "I paused, but I was still talking." "And again there." "The real point of what I'm saying is, when I appear not to be talking, don't go nipping out to the kitchen, putting the kettle on, buttering scones, or getting crumbs and bits of food" "out of those round, brown straw mats that the teapot goes on, because in all probability, I'm still talking and what you heard was a pause." "Like there again." "Look, to make it easier, so there's no problem at all, what I'll do is I'll give you some kind of sign, like this:" "While I'm still talking, and only pausing in between words, and when I've finished, I'll do this, all right?" "No, no, sorry, no, no." "Sorry, just demonstrating." "Haven't finished." "Haven't started yet." "Oh, dear." "Nearly forgot the gesture." "Hope none of you are nipping out into the kitchen, getting food out of those round, brown mats which the..." "Good evening." "Tonight I want to talk about..." "ANNOUNCER:" "We interrupt this programme to annoy you and make things generally irritating for you." "...with a large piece of wet paper." "Turn the paper over..." "Turn the paper over, keeping your eye on the camel, and paste down the edge of the sailor's uniform until the word "Maudling" is almost totally obscured." "Well, that's one way of doing it." "ANNOUNCER 1:" "We interrupt this programme again" "A, to irritate you, and B, to provide work for one of our announcers." "ANNOUNCER 2:" "Good evening." "I'm the announcer who's just been given this job by the BBC." "I'd like to say how grateful I am to the BBC for providing me with work, particularly at this time of year when things are a bit thin for us announcers." "Um..." "I don't know whether I should tell you this but... well, I have been going through a rather tough time recently." "Things have been pretty awful at home." "My wife, Josephine," ""Joe-jums" as I call her, who's also an announcer," "WOMAN:" "Hello." "ANNOUNCER 2:" "has not been able to announce since our youngest, Clifford, was born, and, well," "I've just got no confidence left." "I mean, I can't get up in the morning, I feel there's nothing worth living for..." "ANNOUNCER 3:" "Hello, I'm another announcer, my name's Dick." "Joe-jums just rang me and said Jack was having a bad time with this announcement, so I've just come to give him a hand." "How is he, Joe-jums?" "JOE-JUMS:" "Pretty bad, Dick." "DICK:" "Jack, it's Dick." "Do you want me to make the announcement?" "JACK:" "No." "No, Dick, I..." "I must do it myself." "It's my last chance with the BBC, I can't throw it away." "I've got to do it for Joe-jums, for the kids." "I've got to go through with it." "DICK:" "Good man." "Now remember your announcer's training: deep breaths, and try not to think about what you're saying." "JACK:" "Good evening." "This is BBC 1." "JOE-JUMS:" "Good luck, Jack." "DICK:" "Keep going, old boy." "JACK:" "It's 9:00 and time for the news, read by Richard Baker." "JOE-JUMS:" "You've done it." "DICK:" "Congratulations, old man!" "JOE-JUMS:" "Absolutely marvellous." "JACK:" "Oh, thank God." "JOE-JUMS:" "Fantastic, darling, you were brilliant." "DICK:" "Well done, Jack." "JOE-JUMS:" "No, no, it's the best you ever did." "JACK:" "Thank God." "Really?" "JOE-JUMS:" "It was absolutely super." "DICK:" "Have a drink." "For God's sake, drink this." "Seriously, you were fabulous." "Your voice was superb." "JACK:" "Didn't it shake too much?" "DICK:" "No, no, no." "JACK:" "Thanks very much." "[announcers having a party]" "DICK:" "Really thinks its marvellous." "JACK:" "Fantastic." "[all speaking indistinctly]" "DICK:" "Hey, least I could do." "I thought, "I must come over."" "JACK:" "No, really, thanks." "Oh, I just can't possibly..." "Can't tell you how much that means." "DICK:" "I think it's the turning point here." "I really do." "DICK:" "Hello, Reggie." "What?" "JACK:" "Is that Gordon on three?" "DICK:" "Yes." "Hang on, Reggie." "JACK:" "Hello, Gordon?" "[Jack laughs] ...until the name "Maudling" is almost totally obscured." "That is the ned of the nicro-not wens." "And now it's time for the late-night flim." "[James Bond-type theme playing]" "Oh, pantomime horse, that was wonderful." "Would you like another glass?" "Oh, no, no, I mustn't, it makes me throw up." "Oh, I'm so bleeding happy." "Oh, Simone!" "—Oh, pantomime horse." "Then... [suspenseful chase music playing]" "ANNOUNCER:" "Now the English pantomime horse has caught up with the Russian horse." "He's going to take him any moment" "But what is this?" "What is this?" "It's the pantomime Princess Margaret and the pantomime goose." "They're attacking the English horse and the Russian horse has got away." "But who is this?" "My goodness me, it's the Duke of Kent to the rescue." "[Sousa's "Liberty Bell March" playing]" "DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR:" "Here you see some English comic actors engaged in a life-or-death struggle with a rather weak ending." "This is typical of the zany, madcap world of the irresistible kooky funsters." "The English pantomime horse wins, and so is assured of a place in British history and a steady job in a merchant bank." "Unfortunately, before his pension rights are assured, he catches bronchitis and dies." "Another victim of the need to finish these shows on time."