"Oh, for god's sake" "Planking is a very stupid and dangerous trend" "Basically you lie like a plank in weird places" "That's it." "Sometimes you get run over" "Welcome to the Internet" "Planking is one of those things where hey, you either get it or you don't" "And I don't." "But I am so excited to be a part of it." "After you my good sir" "No, I insist" "The search committee finally decided, after a lot of deliberation on Robert California for the manager position" "Who took one look around and left." "He drove down to Florida and convinced Jo to make him C.E.O" "C.E.O. Her own job" "He talked her out of her own job and I don't really know how someone does that but anyway then the position was his to fill and he chose" "It's unbelievable" "True." "I may have been tee second choice, but I was the first choice's first choice." "And about Dwight, have some resentment about not getting the job so I sat him down and we had a talk" "And I told him, "I need a really strong number two" ""I want you to be my enforcer.'" "Smart, right?" "Very smart" "This has got to stop" "Hey!" "Kevin" "Yeah, at first I was really disappointed" "But I've got a great daily routine going right now" "I've upped my karate to eight times a week." "I've added boxing at lunches and on weekends," "I do kick-boxing three times a week, Krav Maga four times a week, an hour of meditation every morning at sunrise, and again at sunset." "So yeah I'm doing great" "I'm going to need some help." "Pam?" "Oh, yeah." "Pregnant" "Right here." "Little Michael Scott" "Nope." "I told you I don't like that joke" "It is a boy." "We found out early" "Much different the second time around" "And I have to say it is nice not being the only pregnant woman in the office" "Look, it's "little pregs" and "big pregs."" "Wait, when did we start calling each other" "Isn't it amazing the difference in our sizes?" "Well, I am a few months ahead of you" "I'm having a child with my husband the senator" "And Pam is having a child with Jim The great salesman" "Hoist him aloft" "Come on, Darryl, lift Lift, Darryl" "Come on, man" "Yeah, I wanted the manager job, but I got something much better" "This soda" "This is mine" "It might be easier if you take a deep breath lift from the knees, and shove it up your butt" "a new thing this summer" "I act like I'm telling someone how to do something." "a long description and then I say..." "And shove it up your butt" "It's stupid, but it's my thing now" "No one should be planking at all." "Thank you." "Yes" "Dwight my enforcer, my number two can you take care of this?" "Say no more" "Kids, don't try planking it's dangerous." "Especially with me around" "Are you watching that commercial again?" "Why do you keep watching it if you know it's just going to make you cry?" "Because everything makes me cry so what's the difference?" "This dog he just wants to protect his bone" "He's got a bank vault That's a start." "Not enough, though" "All right" "The new C.E.O. works out of the conference room about half the time but whenever he takes a break he does these weird walks around the office." "And you never know who he's going to zero in on for these really intense small talks" "You just hope it's not you." "And yet you hope it is you, too It's strange" "Here we go." "Hello" "Robert California." "Let's have a conversation" "Describe your day so far" "Well, I woke up and" "When you recount your day, never say you woke up" "It's a waste of your time" "That's how every day has begun for everyone since the dawn of man." "Very smart Very smart" "Suddenly, I was awake and I..." "Hey, Robert We have that 9:30 A.M. casual chit chat scheduled" "I emailed you about it last eight to confirm." "And again this morning" "First item on the agenda can I get everyone an extra long Columbus Day weekend?" "Item number two, connect with the guy" "Robert California, what does he think of me?" "Don't know Super care." "Number three, time permitting we lost our biggest client." "Pam." "Pam Past!" "Pam." "Jim" "Can I call you right back?" "Thank you very much." "Okay" "What is this?" "The Friday before Columbus Day, thoughts?" "What are your thoughts?" "Just making chit-chat" "Kind of a medium year for women's soccer, no?" "What are you looking at?" "It's nothing" "It can't be nothing Yeah, it can't be nothing." "It's just a list of our names split into two columns" "What?" "Okay, just wait one second all right?" "I will copy it" "Do you have a pen?" "No" "No" "Okay." "Um, I'll take a photo of it." "Dwight, can you throw me my phone?" "Nice catch" "If he comes out distract him." "We need a warning signal" "We don't need a warning signal, Kevin" "We can see him right there." " We do." "don't need a..." "Warning!" "Warning Warning!" "Warning!" "Warning" "Phyllis!" "Phyllis" "You okay?" "You okay?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "One, two, three" "Thanks, guys" "Okay." "Which side of the list am I on?" "Left Yes" "Why are you..." "How do you know?" "Really great list of names, guys" "Thank you so much Good work." "No, actually, that was in Robert's notebook." "He left it at reception and we photocopied it" "Oh" "Okay." "I don't want any part of this." "Maybe it's the list of people he's going to fire." "Okay." "It's not that, Pam" "You know I was thinking it reminds me of those lists Dwight used to make" "This is if we were a on a cruise ship and had to divide into life boats." "And this is if we were on a cruise ship and had to divide into life rafts." "Here's something "Who would eat who in an Alive situation?" "'" "No." "That can't be it" "I gotta say it kind of seems like the left side is the side to be on" "Me, Jim, Dwight, Darryl no offense, Pam." "Excuse me?" "Shh." "Pam, come on Don't be such a right-sider." "Did you guys figure it out?" "We couldn't crack it" "Go in there, just ask the man what it means" "He'll know that we looked at his private notebook" "Come on Just say you saw the list by accident" "I'm already working on this Columbus Day thing for you guys" "And it's starting to stack up." "It feels like a lot One thing at a time" "Yeah, that's all you had to do today is ask about Columbus Day?" "Yes." "For god's sake Andy, yes." "Come in." "What's up?" "Weird thing." "Totally awkward" "But you left your notebook on the reception desk." "Great." "Thank you" "And it was open and people saw this and they're just kind of going nuts and, like..." "What is this?" "...wondering what it is" "It's a photocopy from your notebook" "You read my notebook?" "And photocopied it and distributed it?" "No." "They did." "And they asked me to ask you about it" "Please" "Oh" "Here's what it is it's a doodle." "What?" "Some people doodle at work when they let their mind run" "They draw houses, penises funny how the houses are always colonials and the penises are always circumcised" "Don't you think?" "Well, I doodle too but I'm not an artist so I draw words and lists" "That is fascinating" "And by the way I am so glad I asked" "People were just sort of..." "Did you just move my name?" "Might as well have been sketching a cube" "Okay, Robert's in the annex everybody think quick" "What do these groups have in common?" "Maybe we're supposed to do it with people in our group." "That's not it" "People in the other group" "Mmm." "Still wrong" "Stanley, you do puzzles all day What do we got?" "Well, you take the first letter from each name assign it a number add them all up, and shove it up your butt" "Thank you, a little much needed comic relief" "But we really need to figure this out, guys" "It's alphabetical" "No, it's not" "Here's how we find out" "Let's line up and compare the lines see if we learn anything, okay?" "Left-siders over here right-siders line up over here, face each other" "Match up by height and relative weight" "Let's just size each other up here" "And left side of the list attack" "Wait, wait, wait, stop, stop!" "Will you stop?" "Dwight" "Don't do it" "What are you doing?" "Stop!" "Warning!" "Warning!" "Warning" "I'd like to invite the following people to join me for lunch." "Jim, Dwight" "Angela, Darryl" "Kevin, Toby Phyllis, Oscar" "That's great." "Let's do this, guys" "All right." "Well, I will see you in a bit" "Hey, it's nothing all right?" "I'll text you when we get there" "I'll let you know what's going on Okay" "No." "No dog video" "Okay Okay." "See you, guys" "Well, we should a be really excited about our very own pizza party" "Pizza party Pizza party." "Pizza party." "Jim, your daughter Cecelia what does she think of the Street?" "The street?" "Sesame Street." "Oh." "I didn't know anybody called it" "She likes it a lot" "She loves Elmo" "Elmo, God save us the Elmo era" "Right?" "Sesame Street was created to reflect the environment of the children watching it" "Complete self absorption of Elmo is brilliantly reflective of our time" "Ours is a cultural ghetto Wouldn't you agree?" "Yeah." "She does like Elmo" "Cultural ghetto?" "Totally agree" "Completely" "Apt." "Apt analysis, Robert" "The thing that I like about Elmo is the tickling" "I don't know I was in the wrong..." "I'm..." "I'm sorry" "Just picture me back there." "I was never here" "Great group Pizza party." "How is this a pizza party?" "Well, why don't you ask me again when the five pizzas get here?" "Yeah, well, that's just pizza" "You need at least one other element for it to be a party." "Okay." "Have you guys ever had margarita pizza?" "What's that?" "Fresh tomato with a dollop of mozzarella cheese." "That's pizza" "That's regular pizza" "You know, I fee comfortable enough now to ask you this question, what made you pick this group?" "I just think you guys are winners and I wanted to have lunch with you" "Okay" "Aw." "What about the other guys?" "Losers?" "Come on." "Oh, I don't know" "Come on." "Come on" "I guess I think they're losers." "I knew it" "Yes" "Probably shouldn't have said that" "Whoo-hoo" "Ah-ha!" "Their interpretation of margherita pizza" "Fans of classic pizza will be psyched." "A text from Jim" ""This is getting very weird Will explain later."" "Text from Kevin" ""Suck it, losers.'" "RYAN Okay, not to point out the glaringly obvious, but doesn't the fact that lama in this group make anyone feel just a little bit better?" "Oh, this crust is sharp and sort of funny and I could do those cute little cartoons and everyone who came through here was like," ""Who's that receptionist?" "I like her."" "Now I'm just a fat mom" "Yeah, and you take one look at me and you're like, "Oh, loser."" "Come here, Pam" "Chins up, okay?" "Bad joke" "Look around this room" "Does this look like a group of losers?" "Seriously." "Oh, god" "Oh, hey, guys we had so much fun." "We had marguerite pizza" "We all hung out and got to know each other better" "How was your lunch?" "It was excellent." "Good times" "Yeah?" "Yeah." "Oh, we did." "It was the best time" "And you know what?" "Now it's over back to work, everyone" "You too, Andy" "I knew it." "that everyone was wrong about me." "My parents, my teachers, my friends the doctors, everyone." "Well, that was certainly an odd lunch" "Is everything all right?" "Yeah, I'm fine" "Just take the casserole out of the" "Loser" "Take it out of the refrigerator, put it in the oven" "It'll be fine Just leave it in for 20 minutes" "Loser" "When I was a salesman I could just be like," ""Not my job, not my prob I'm going to the warehouse to polish my knob."" "Metaphorically, of course" "But now, it is my job and my prob" "Hi, Robert" "Can you come out here, please?" "It's really important." "clarify something" "Some people here are under the misconception that some people may be considered let's say top tier and others would be second tier." "Thank you." "Great" "I said winners and losers Is that what you're talking about?" "Oh, that might That actually might be what I'm thinking of." "Can you clarify that?" "Let me tell you some things I find productive" "Positive reinforcement negative reinforcement" "Honesty" "I'll tell you some things I find unproductive" "Constantly worrying about where you stand based on inscrutable social clues and then inevitably reframing it a in a reassuring way so that you can get to sleep at night." "No, I do not believe in that at all" "If I invited you to lunch I think you're a winner" "If I didn't, I don't" "But I just met you all" "Life is long, opinions change" "Winners, prove me right Losers, prove me wrong" "Well, I guess that's that" "No" "No." "No" "Andy, don't go in there" "I'm going in there" "I know that every time I talk to you things just seem to get worse" "But you don't know these people, and I do" "And if I let you work with faulty information well then I'm not doing my job as regional manager." "So, please take this pen and change your list." "I'm not going to change my list, Andy" "And I don't use ballpoint pens." "Well, then I w make a new list for you" "Stanley, you may think he's a lazy grump but did you know that he has the most consistently high sales numbers of anyone in this office?" "And you may think he's hard to love but did you know that he's in not one but two long-term romantic relationships?" "about the sales figures" "Meredith Palmer, supplier relations" "The word "no,' not even in her vocabulary" "And just to show you that I'm being fair, you had Gabe in the loser column" "Good call" "Pam easily the most creative and kind person I have ever worked with." "Jim, shut the door This is just gross." "Shh" "Erin Hannon, the receptionist and my closest confidant" "A winner if there ever was one" "Are we done?" "Yes" "No" "The Friday before Columbus Day we're going to take a half-day" "So that everyone can get a jump on the long weekend." "You want a three-and-a-half day weekend for Columbus Day?" "Yes, I do" "And you are aware that Columbus and his legions committed genocide against an entire civilization of Native Americans?" "Hey, guys so Columbus Day, we got that half-day on Friday" "We get that every year" "Well, you got it this year, too." "Good night, Andy Good night." "Bye" "Good night, Andy" "Good night" "Night" "All right, I'm going to go warm up the car" "Okay Okay." "You dropped something." "Jim?" "Okay, I know I've been crying easily today, but" "I mean, that's just pretty killer, right?" "I mean, maybe it's stupid" "No" "It's wonderful" "I'm going to frame it"