"Lamont!" "What do you want?" " I want my breakfast!" " I can't hear you." " I said I want my breakfast!" " Would you wait a minute?" "Now what is all this yelling about?" "I'm yelling about my breakfast." "You can make it supper now." "Would you just take it easy?" "I was upstairs making the beds, Pop." "I only got two hands." "I'm doing the best I can." "Well, I ain't got but one stomach and it ain't doing too good." "Say, wait a minute." "Listen." "Will you go out and see if the paper's been delivered?" "Yeah." "Say, wait a minute." "What paper?" "We don't get no paper." "We cancelled our subscription, remember?" "Well, the people next door get a paper, and I read it first." "Listen, I'm not gonna steal somebody else's newspaper for you." "That's not stealing." "I just get it, read it, fold it back up... and put it back in front of the house." "What about that Life magazine I found here with our neighbor's address on it?" "Now that's stealing." "It sure is." "And I'm not going out there and steal somebody else's paper for you." "That's right." "I don't need nothing." "I might as well be dead." "Why didn't you leave me there to die when I fell off that truck?" "Cause you wasn't hurt bad enough to die." "All you had was a severe attack of clumsiness." "Clumsiness?" "It's that sudden stop you made trying to duck that cat." "You know I was on the back of that truck trying to hold onto that junk." "How many times do I have to tell you?" "That a cat ran in the street... and I jammed on the brakes so I wouldn't hurt him." "Yeah, save a cat and kill your father." "It was instinct." "What would you have done?" "Well, in the first place, I'd have thought to myself..." ""It's either the cat or my father. "" "Then I'd ask myself two questions:" ""Can the cat cook?" "Can the cat do coordinating in a junkyard?" No." "Okay, cat, you die." "Now you love cats, and you know it." "You wouldn't have done that." "Besides, it's better this way." "You're both alive." "Yeah, I'm all busted up... and that cat's somewhere happy in a garbage can." "Do you want your breakfast, or you want to keep talking this nonsense?" "I want my breakfast, lunch and dinner." "That's the least you can do for me, cat lover." "That's another thing we got to talk about." "It's not gonna work this way." "Me doing all the housework and taking care of you." "What's gonna happen to the business?" "You want me to go back to work, huh?" "Me with one leg and one arm." "Old Fred, the crippled coordinator." "I don't want you to go back to work." "But I gotta get back to work." "I gotta get back on that truck." "And leave me here to die, that what you want?" "Okay, then prop me up in front of the TV." "That's all you do." "That's a good way to go." "Sittin' there watching Days of Our Lives." "Would you stop this and listen to me?" "I'm not gonna leave you here alone." "I called up Aunt Ethel and asked if she'd come over and help us out." "Ethel?" "I don't want her around here." "She's a lousy cook." "And her hands are sweaty." "Would you let me finish?" "Now, Aunt Ethel can't make it." "So I called the employment agency and I asked if they'd send us a housekeeper." " You mean a maid?" " Somebody that does housework." "All the stuff that I've been doing so I can get back to work." "You mean you're gonna leave me here with a strange woman?" " Well, what's wrong with that?" " What if she's a sex maniac?" "I wouldn't worry about that if I were you." "Oh, you don't think it could happen, huh?" "Me being chased around the house by some weirdo." "It can happen all right, but you'd be the one doing the chasing." "Well, I don't care." "I don't want nobody around here anyhow." "No maids." " Then I got one other suggestion." " What?" " You go into a nursing home." " A nursing home?" "Well, if you don't want to have to see my no more... then send me to a nursing home." " What are you talking about?" " You don't know about nursing homes?" "They're mean in nursing homes." "That's right." "Sam Turner's father was in one." "He told me." " He told you what?" " He told me them nurses are mean." "He asked the nurse to help him to the bathroom... and every day she helped him to the bathroom." "She got mad one night and took him in the bathroom and beat him up." " Oh, come on, Pop." " That's right." "Now, the only time he go to the bathroom is when his son comes to visit." "Once a week." "Sunday, between 2:00 and 4:00." " And you believe that?" " Yeah, I believe it." "So, if you don't never want to see me no more, send me to a nursing home... and sit there and wait for a telegram to come saying, "Fred is dead. "" "But we gotta do something." "I haven't been out on that truck in over two days." "Why don't you work nights?" "You mean go through the alley of a white neighborhood at night?" "Do you ever want to see me again?" "Well, if you hadn't tried to save that old cat, we wouldn't be in this fix." "Wish I'd of been driving that truck." "It'd been another story." " Yeah, I know." " The story would have been..." ""Cat Killer Strikes Again. "" "I hope that's the woman from the employment agency." "Let her come on in and attack me while I'm taking a nap." " Aunt Ethel." " Hello, Lamont." " I thought you couldn't make it." " I can't." "I just thought..." "I'd stop by and see how you doing." "Well, Fred Sanford." "You are a sight." "Just look at you." "You look ridiculous." "Ethel, I fell off a truck." "What's your excuse?" "Excuse me, Aunt Ethel." " Fred, how could you be so clumsy?" " I don't want to talk about it." "Clumsy." "You've always been clumsy." "The day you married my sister, you stumbled on the way to the altar." "That wasn't no stumble, that was a hesitation." "I had to hesitate when I took a look at you and the rest of Elizabeth's family." "Don't you talk about my family." "I'll talk about your family." "Your family was the ugliest family in Detroit." "Then y'all moved to St. Louis and took over the championship." "Don't you talk about my family and my dead sister." "Your dead sister is my dead wife." "Now, don't you come here and try to break up my marriage." "I said it for years, "Get him out of the junk business." "Let him get a respectable job." "Like my Alex. "" " Your Alex got a respectable job?" " You know he has." " He works in a bank." " He mops floors at the bank." "Alex is a floorwalker." "That's what I said." "If you're going to mop 'em, you got to walk 'em." "Well, just look who's talking." "You don't want to better yourself." "You just want to stay here in this junkyard... and keep that son of yours tied to your apron strings forever." "You are a selfish man." "Ethel, how'd you like one across your lip?" "You know, I got one arm free, and I'll give you one across your lips." " You better not try." " If I wasn't crippled, I would." "If you weren't crippled I'd make you one." "Let me tell you something." "If you ain't out of here by the time I count to three..." "I'm gonna take this crutch and wrap it around your head so many times... you'll think you're wearing a wooden turban." "All I can say is falling off that truck serves you right." "Now you got a foot out of commission and a head to match." "I warned you!" "What's going on?" "Where'd Aunt Ethel go?" "She had to hurry, son." "She had a crutch following her." " What?" " Nothing." "Sit down." "What?" "You know I don't like my eggs sunny-side up." " Well, how do you want 'em?" " Over." " What is this?" " What do you mean, what is that?" " Those are eggs." "Those are your eggs." " Look like fried calves liver." "All right, so they got a little overcooked." "Overcooked?" "Son, these eggs have been cremated." "I mean, black is beautiful, but not when it come to eggs." "Listen, are you going to start complaining again?" "It's enough that I've gotta do all the stuff around here... and take care of you without hearing your complaining." "If you don't like those eggs, you can limp in the kitchen and fix your own." "All right." "I'll eat 'em." "But remember that old saying..." ""You are what you eat. "" "So, I guess I'll make an ash outta myself." "You get that?" "That was good, wasn't it?" "See, I make an ash out of myself, so I put the ash..." "I know." "Drink your coffee." "Listen here." "Son, these eggs, I don't know, but..." "Wow." "Son, one thing I can say, you make a great cup of coffee." "That's cocoa." "I hope that's the woman from the employment agency." "That's gotta be her." "I don't want you to give her no trouble." "And don't let her give me no trouble." "Let the fiend in." "Hi, I'm from the employment agency." "You called for a housekeeper?" "Excuse me for a moment." " She's white." " I can see that." "Look at them beady eyes." "A sure sign of a sex maniac." "Well, I finished upstairs." "I tell you Mr. Sanford... you know what I almost said when I first saw this place?" "I almost said, "What hit it, Hurricane Agnes?"" "I tell you, that upstairs was a disaster area." " Mind if I sit down?" " No, sit down." " Mind if I smoke?" " No." "Just don't burn us down." "Yeah." "Oh, boy." "A five-minute rest will do me a lot of good." "I had to wait 45 minutes for my bus this morning." "Forty-five minutes." "And there's no bench at the bus stop, you know?" "Then an hour's ride here." "I stood up part of the way." "My feet are killing me." "Say, Mary, uh, bet you don't take too many jobs like this, do ya?" "I mean, you know, coming all the way down here... to work for, uh, for black people." "Money's green." "Ajob's a job." "People are people." "Yeah." "I'm glad you feel that way, because... some of my best friends are white." "Yeah, a fellow down the street named Goldstein." "He's a junk dealer." "He's a friend of mine." "And, uh, funny thing..." "Goldstein is not only white, he's Jewish." " Is that so?" " Yeah." "We ate together once." " I think that's wonderful." " Yeah." "A-And, something else, Mary." "I wouldn't want nobody to hear me say this... but, I thinkJack Dempsey could have beatJoe Louis." "Do ya?" "Yeah." "Now, don't get me wrong." "Joe was good... butJack was a real slugger." "Real fighter." "And outside the ring, a real gentleman." "Yes, sir." "Real gentleman." "A credit to his race." "That's nice." "Well, coffee break's over." "Better get back to work." " Yeah." " Say, Mr. Sanford, are you comfortable?" " Yeah, I'm fine." " Must get tired sitting there." " Anything I can do for you?" " Nothing at all." "Say, why don't I give you a nice alcohol rub?" "That'd make you feel good." "Mary, would you get me something cold to drink?" "Oh, sure." "I'd be glad to." "What would you like?" "Why don't you look in the refrigerator and see what we got?" " You got a Coke and some ice water." " What?" " A Coke and some ice water." " I'll take the Coke." "I'll take the ice water." " That Coke slipped out of my hands." " It's all right, Mary." "I'm so clumsy." "I don't know." "I don't know what I was thinking of." "Doesn't it make you mad when something like that happens?" " I didn't do it on purpose." " It's all right." " If you want me to pay, I'll pay." " Mary, Mary." "It's all right." " You don't have to pay for nothing." " Oh, okay." "Why don't you just take a rest?" "You know what I mean?" "No, no, no." "Not over there." "Over here." "Yeah." "See, you don't have to be doing something every minute, Mary." " Yeah?" "Okay." " Just take a little second rest there." "You know what I mean?" "I'm not a slave driver." "Yeah, well, I didn't sleep very well last night." "You know, this has been kind of a hard day on me." "Yeah, feels good." "I know how it is." "You have to get up early in the morning and get dressed." "Have a cup of coffee maybe." "Go down to the bus stop, catch the bus." "It's crowded, you got to push and shove, have the exact change." "By the time you get where you're going you got to be..." " What is it?" " The phone, Mary." "Don't tell me I dropped off." "I am sorry." "I'll get it." "Don't worry." "Hello." "Hello." "They hung up." "Well, Mary, from now on, can't you try to get the phone while it's ringing?" "And..." "You know what I mean?" "One other thing, Mary." "Uh, see, people calling here... they ain't used to a woman answering the phone." "So, could you say something different besides just hello?" " Like what?" " Well, what do people usually say?" "You can say, "Sanford residence. "" "If you say so." "Say, listen, I got to get to work out there in the kitchen." "I'd like to stay and talk, but I got a lot of work to do." " Mary!" " What?" "Phone, Mary." "I was going to get it." "I just couldn't hear with the water running." " Yeah, okay." " Hel..." "I mean, Sanford residence." "Who?" "Man wants to speak to a Fred." " I'm Fred." "Who is it?" " Who is it?" "Bubba." "What's a Bubba?" "Bubba." "That's a friend of mine." "I'll get it." "Yeah." "He's coming." "Just wait a minute, Bubba." "Yeah, hold on." " Can I help?" "You want to lean on me?" " All right." "Now, listen, I'll be right out there in the kitchen if you need me." "Hello." "Oh, hi, Bubba." "Oh, no." "That's the lady that's working for us." "No, no, no." "Nothing like that, Bubba." "If I was well enough to do that, I'd be well enough to be back at work." "No, Bubba." "Listen, I gotta hang up, Bubba." " Her name is Mary." "Mary!" " What?" " No, not you, Mary." " I thought you wanted me." "No, Bubba." "No, she's not a sister." "Good-bye, Bubba." "That was Bubba." "He thought you were my sister." " Bubba's not too bright." " No, he's about my color." "Let me put this cushion under your elbow, it will give your..." "Oh, wait." "Doggone it, I'm dropping everything." "I'm so clumsy." "Hi, Pop." "Hi, Mary." "How's everything going?" "Everything's fine, son." "Everything's fine." "Mary and I were having a little chat, weren't we, Mary?" "We've been having the nicest visit." "I better get back out the kitchen." "Yeah, Mary, nice talking to you." "We'll talk again later on." "Hear, Mary?" "Son, we got to get rid of Mary." " What?" " Yeah, we got to get rid of Mary." " Isn't she doing her work?" " She don't do nothing." "And she's breaking my valuables and stuff, then she took a nap." " She took a what?" " Took a nap on the couch." "We can't have our neighbors coming here, thinking a whole bunch of stuff... when they see that ugly white woman asleep on our couch." "Oh, so that's what it is." "You wanna get rid of her 'cause she's white." "I don't care if she's plaid, I don't want her around here." " Well, isn't she cooking dinner?" " Do you smell anything?" "I'm telling you, son, let's get rid of her." "Get rid of her?" "If we get rid of her, who's going to cook dinner?" " You, dummy." " Mary, can I see you for a minute?" "What can I do for you?" "Mary, what are we having for dinner?" " Dinner?" "Was I supposed to cook dinner?" " Yeah, you were supposed to." "Nobody told me that." "You see, I'm not a cook." "I'm just a housekeeper." "If you want a cook, you have to specify "cook. "" "But I could do something for you?" "What would you like?" " What can you cook?" " Well, do you like mutton?" " Do I like what?" " Mutton." "Do you like boiled mutton?" "Does anybody?" "Well, do you like pizza?" " Pizza, hey." " Hey, can you make pizza?" "No, isn't there a place around here that delivers?" "And when you order, make mine without anchovies." "I never liked anchovies." "They're just too salty." " Say, Pop?" "What'll I tell her?" " What?" " Tell her she's fired." " You can't do it that way." "That's mean." "Listen, you gotta beat around the bush." "You know, talk about the weather." "And then you get into it." "How about, "We sure could use some rain." "You're fired. "" "You're a big help." "I guess I better go tell her." "Go on and tell her." "Tell her." "Say, Pop, let's both tell her." "Mary, can we see you for a minute?" "What'd you do that for, dummy?" " The pizza come yet?" " Not yet." "That isn't what we wanted." "We-We sure could use some rain." "Yeah." "It's been dry lately." "I bet the farmers wish it would rain." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Say, Mary, if it rains tomorrow, you don't have to come." "You don't have to worry about that." "I've got an umbrella." "Mary, what he's trying to say is... even if it don't rain, you don't have to come." "You're trying to tell me you don't need me anymore." " Yeah." "Yeah, that's it." " Yeah, that's it." "But we want you to know we appreciate your coming to help us out today." " I'll go now then." " Didn't I tell you how easy it was?" "Hey, listen, did you give her a key to the house?" "If you did, you better get the key back... 'cause she might come back here one night and try to rip us off." " Well, I'll be going now." " Here's the money for coming today." " Full salary, just like I said." " And my bus fare." "Don't forget." " I always get bus fare." " Say, listen." "Why don't you take a cab?" " You don't have to do that." " Yeah, You don't have to do that." "But you probably live a long way from here." "Well, as a matter of fact, I do." "So I'll take it." "Thank you." " Dummy." " I've been thinking about... what we were talking about, and I think you're wrong." "Joe Louis could have beat the hell out ofJack Dempsey." "Say, what was that all about?" "Don't talk to me." "I don't want to talk about nothing." " Where you going?" " I'm going and see what's missing." "Did you see that shopping bag?" "What are you talking about, Pop?" "Why would she steal from us?" "Habit." "Habit." "They can't help themselves." " Is there anything missing?" " I don't see nothing yet." "But there's something missing." "I'll bet it." " This is ridiculous." "Why would she..." " No, it's not ridiculous." "I bet I'll find out something's missing." "Sometimes it takes two or three days to find out." "She ain't bonded." "Look at this Scotch." "See that mark I put on there this morning?" "And look at how far down it is." "And you know why?" "Mary the Guzzler." "Look at this." "You see that mark there?" "I put that there last night." "Now it wasn't Mary the Guzzler, it was Freddy the Boozer." "I don't know why you're accusing somebody of stealing." "Hello." "Who do you want to speak to?" "Yeah, he's here." "It's for you." " Who is it?" " I don't know." "Hold it up." "You know I'm crippled." "Hello?" "Oh, she just left." "It's the employment agency calling about Mary." "Hello." "Oh, yes." "She's a fine worker." "Yeah." "No, we won't be needing her anymore." "Oh, she was." "She was very nice." "Yes, and honest and clean." "And clean and honest." "And honest." "Yeah." "Oh, she worked out fine." "Made a nice bed and cooked a great boiled mutton." "Sure will." "Well, thank you very much." "Good-bye." "Good-bye." "Take it down." "Say, Pop, how could you say that after what just happened?" "It's easy." "Let somebody else find out how bad she really is." "Where you going?" "I'm going out here and see if the truck is missing." " Well, so long, Pop." " Where you going?" "What do you mean, "Where am I going?" I'm going to work." " And leave me here alone?" " Listen to me." "Now, I just finished making the beds, I fixed your breakfast... your lunch is on a plate in the refrigerator... and there's nothing you need me here for." "Well, you can't leave me here all alone and by myself." "I'm helpless." "What if a burglar broke in?" "And you know, they never did catch that Zodiac killer." "Where you going?" "Who you calling?" "I'm calling the employment agency to see if Mary's available to come over today." "Mary!" "Look at here, put that phone down." "Don't call up Mary." "So you're not so helpless after all." "Sanford and Son is recorded on tape before a live studio audience."