"I suppose you think that's very funny, Harold." " Hello?" "Fée?" " Yeah." "Darling, be a dear and cancel my appointment with René this afternoon." "I know he'll be furious but I've had such a fright today and with guests coming this evening..." "Oh, would you?" "Tell him I promise to be in on Tuesday." "Thank you, Fée, you're a darling." "Yes." "Bye." "Bye." "Dinner at eight, Harold." "And do try and be a little more vivacious." "Of course, Harold's father had a similar sense of the absurd." "I remember once in Paris, he just stepped out for cigarettes and the next thing I knew he was arrested for floating nude down the Seine!" "Experimenting in river currents with rubber water wings!" "Mauve ones." "That cost quite a bit of influence et d'argent to hush up, I can tell you!" "Harold, dear, don't play with your food." "What's the matter?" "Don't you feel well?" "I have a sore throat." "Now, directly after dinner, I want you to go straight to bed." "Harold's always been a delicate child." "Even as a baby, he seemed prone to every possible kind of illness." "Harold, dear, eat up your beets." "I remember in Tokyo, I had to call the embassy for a doctor..." "Oh, my God!" "This is too much." "I can't stand much more of this." "I can't take any more." "Oh, my God!" "Oh, God!" "That's very interesting, Harold, and I think very illuminating." "There seems to be a definite pattern emerging and of course this pattern, once isolated, can be coped with." "Recognise the problem and you're halfway on the road to its... its solution." "Tell me, Harold, what do you do for fun?" "What activity gives you a different sense of enjoyment from the others?" "What do you find fulfilling?" "What gives you that special..." "satisfaction?" "I go to funerals." ""Thou dost prepare for me a table in the sight of my adversaries," ""Thou dost anoint my head with oil," ""my chalice overflows." ""Kindness and grace shall follow me all the days of my life" ""and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord for length of days." ""The earth is the Lord's and the fullness thereof," ""the world and they who dwell therein." ""For He has established it upon the waters and set it upon the rivers." ""Who shall ascend the mountain of the Lord" ""or who shall stand in His holy place?" ""The innocent of hand and the pure of heart" ""who has not turned his mind to vanity" ""nor sworn deceitfully to his neighbour," ""he shall receive the blessing from the Lord" ""and a reward from God, his Saviour." ""This is the generation of those who seek him..."" "Harold?" "Why you purchased that monstrosity I have no idea." "You can have any car you want but that ugly horror is an eyesore and an embarrassment." "Really, it is time you settled down and stopped flitting away your talents on these amateur theatrics, these little divertissements, no matter how psychologically purging they may be." "I don't know what to do." "Go and have a talk with your Uncle Victor." "Perhaps he can fathom you." "After all, he was General MacArthur's right-hand man." "What do you say, Harold?" "It's a great life." "There's action, adventure, advising and you'll see the war first hand." "And there are plenty of slant-eyed girls." "It'll make a man out of you, Harold." "You'll travel the world, put on a uniform and take on a man's job." "You'll walk tall with a glint in your eye and a spring in your step and a knowledge in your heart that you are working for peace" "and are serving your country, just like Nathan Hale." "That's what this country needs, more Nathan Hale." "I think I can see a little Nathan Hale... in you." "Tell me, Harold, how many of these... suicides have you performed?" "An accurate number would be difficult to gauge." "Well, just give me a rough estimate." "A rough estimate?" "I'd say... 15." " 15?" " That's a rough estimate." "Were they all done for your mother's benefit?" "No, no" " I would not say benefit." "Harold, I only have a few minutes and I want to inform you of my decision." "You have led a very carefree, idle, happy life up to the present, the life of a child." "But it is time now to put away childish things and take on adult responsibilities." "We'd all like to sail through life with no thought of tomorrow but that cannot be." "We have our duties, our obligations, our principles." "In short, Harold, I think it is time for you to get married." "Let's pray to the Lord, King of Glory, that he may bless and deliver the souls of all faithful departed from the pain of hell and the bottomless pit." "Deliver them from the lion's mouth and the darkness therein and rather, bring them to the blessing of light, holy life, eternal rest." ""Oh, Lord, do not bring yourself into trial" ""for no man..." ""becomes holy in your sight unless you grant forgiveness of his sins." ""I implore you, therefore," ""do not let the verdict of your judgement go against him..." ""Rather, by the help of your Grace," ""may he escape the sentence which he deserves" ""for during his earthly life he would sign the seal of the Holy Trinity." ""You, who live and reign forever and ever." ""Amen."" " Like some liquorice?" " No, thank you." "You're welcome." "Did you know him?" " No." " Me neither." "I heard he's 80 years old." "I'll be 80 next week." "A good time to move on, don't you think?" "I don't know." "I mean, 75 is too early but at 85, you're just marking time." "You may as well look over the horizon." "I'll never understand this mania for black." "Nobody sends black flowers, do they?" "Black flowers are dead flowers, who sends dead flowers to a funeral?" "It's absurd!" " What is your name?" " Harold, Harold Chasen." "How do you do?" "I'm Dame Marjorie Chardin but you may call me Maude." " Nice to meet you." " Thank you." "I think we're gonna be great friends." "Can I give you a lift, Harold?" "No, thank you." "I have my own car." "Well, I must be off." "We shall have to meet again." "Tell me, do you dance?" " Pardon me?" " Do you sing and dance?" " No." " No, I thought not." "That woman!" "She took my car!" "I have here the forms sent out by the National Computer Dating Service." "They screen out the fat and the ugly, so it is obviously a firm of high standards." "First, here is the personality interview, which you are to fill out and return." "Now then, are you ready, Harold?" "Here is the first question." ""Are you uncomfortable meeting new people?"" "Well, I think that's a yes, don't you agree?" ""Should sex education be taught outside the home?"" "I would say no, wouldn't you, Harold?" "Yeah, we'll give a D there." ""Should women run for president of the United States?"" "I don't see why not." "Absolutely yes." ""Do you remember jokes and take pleasure in relating them to others?"" "Well, you don't do that, do you, Harold?" "Absolutely not." ""Do you often get the feeling that perhaps life isn't worth living?"" "What do you think, Harold?" "A?" "B?" "We'll put C - not sure." ""Is the subject of sex being overexploited by our mass media?"" "Well, that would have to be yes, wouldn't it?" ""Is it difficult for you to accept criticism?"" "No." "We'll mark D." ""Do you sometimes have headaches or backaches after a difficult day?"" "Yes, I do indeed." ""Do you go to sleep easily?"" "I'd say so." ""Do you believe in capital punishment for murder?"" "Yes, I do indeed." ""In your opinion, are social affairs usually a waste of time?"" "Heavens, no!" ""Can God influence our lives?"" "Yes, absolutely yes." ""Does your personal religion or philosophy" ""include a life after death?"" "Yes, indeed." "That's absolutely." ""Did you enjoy life when you were a child?"" "Yes, you were a wonderful baby, Harold." ""Do you think the sexual revolution has gone too far?"" "It certainly has." ""Do you find the idea of wife-swapping distasteful?"" "I even find the question distasteful." ""Do you..."" "Harold, please!" ""Do you have ups and downs without obvious reason?"" "That's you, Harold!" ""Dearest brothers, let us faithfully and lovingly remember our brother" ""whom God has taken to Himself from the trials of this world." ""God have mercy, Christ have mercy, Lord have mercy."" "Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name." "Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven." "Give us this day, our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us." "Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil." "Amen." "My boy, excuse me." "One moment, please." "Who was that old lady waving to you earlier?" "Hello, Harold." "Can I give you a lift?" "There you are, madam." "Were you the lady who drove my car off yesterday?" " The one with the St Christopher?" " Yes." "Then I suppose it was me!" "Get in, Harold." "Were you also the one who painted the saint?" "Yes!" "How did you like that?" " Well, I didn't." " Don't be too discouraged." "For aesthetic appreciation, always a little time." "What a delight it is, Harold, to bump into you again." "I knew we were gonna be good friends the moment I saw you." " You go to funerals often?" " Yeah." "So do I. They're such fun, aren't they?" "It's all change, all revolving." "Burials and births, all linked." "The great circle of life." "This thing handles well." "Ever drive a hearse, Harold?" " Yeah." " It's a new experience for me." "Well done, hearse!" "Shall I take you home, Harold?" "This is my car." " Your hearse?" " Yearse!" "Then you shall take me home." "So, just before he left for the monastery in Tibet," "Big Sweeney gave me his keys." "I had to make changes for the new model, not as many as you'd think." "Once you have you the basic set, it's only a question of variation." "You hop in any car you want and just drive off?" "Not any car." "I like a variety." "I'm always looking for a new experience." "Maybe..." "Nevertheless, I think you're upsetting people." "I don't know if that's right." "If people get upset cos they feel they have a hold on some things," "I'm just acting as a gentle reminder, here today, gone tomorrow." "So don't get attached to things." "Now, with that in mind," "I'm not against collecting stuff." "I've collected quite a lot of stuff in my time." "This is all memorabilia but it's incidental, not integral, if you know what I mean." "The birds." "I love them so much." "They are the only wildlife I get to see any more." "Ah, me, free as a bird." "At one time, I used to break into pet shops to liberate the canaries but I decided that was an idea way before its time." "Zoos are full, prisons are overflowing." "Oh, my, how the world still..." "dearly loves a cage." "Please sit down, Harold." "I'll put the kettle on." "We'll have a nice, hot cup of tea." "Thank you but I really have to go." "But it's oat straw tea!" "You've not had that, have you?" " No." " Well, then." "I really do have to go." "I have an appointment." "I really can't miss it." "At the dentist?" "Kind of." "Then, you'll just have to come back and visit." " All right." " My door's always open." " All right." " Promise?" "I promise." "I asked, do you have any friends?" " No." " None at all?" "No." "Maybe one." "Would you care to talk about this friend?" "No!" "You are an interesting case but this reluctance is detrimental to the psychoanalytical process." "Do you understand?" "Very well." "Your mother tells me that she's arranging several dates for you with some young ladies." "How do you feel about that?" " Hello, I'm Candy Gulf." " How do you do?" "I'm Mrs Chasen." "Do come in." "Harold's in the garden but he'll be here in a moment." "Shall we sit down?" "There's Harold." " He seems very nice." " Thank you." " You are at the university?" " Yes, I am." " What are you studying?" " Poli Sci with a minor in Home Ec." "Poli Sci?" "Political Science." "It's all about what's going on." "Is Harold interested in what's going on?" "I just think it's such a super thing to study and I can always fall back on my Home Ec." " That's good planning." " Yes." "Tell me, are you a regular with this Computer Club?" "Heavens, no!" "I don't have to worry about dates." "Some of the girls in my sorority decided that someone ought to try it so we drew straws and I lost!" "But I'm looking forward to meeting Harold." "I should mention, Candy, Harold does have his little eccentric moments." "That's all right." "I have a brother who's a real cut-up, too." "I will never forget the time, we had this old TV set with no parts in it," "Tommy stuck his head behind it and started giving a whole newscast before the entire family!" "Must have been very funny." "Yes, dear, here is Harold now." "Harold, this is Candy." "Candy's just been telling us a funny story about..." "Walter Cronkite." "Excuse me." " I beg your pardon." " What do you want?" "I'm sorry, I was looking for Maude." "How about some ginger pie?" " Fine." "Thank you." " I'll heat some up." "My, Harold, I'm glad to see you again." "Do you often model for Glaucus?" "Heavens, no!" "I don't have the time but I like to keep in practice and poor Glaucus occasionally needs his memory refreshed as to the contours of the female form." " Do you disapprove?" " Me?" "No, of course not." "Really?" "Do you think it's wrong?" "No." "Heavens!" "I'm glad you said that." "I wanna show you my painting." "This is The Rape Of Rome." "Over in the corner is Leda And The Swan, self-portrait, and over here is my favourite." "It's titled..." "Rainbow With Egg Underneath And An Elephant." " Do you like it?" " Yeah, very much." "I then became infatuated with these, my odorifics." "Give the nose a treat!" "A kind of a... olfactory banquet." "So, I began on the easiest - roast beef, old books, mown grass and Mexican farmyard." "Here's one you'll like, Snowfall on 42nd Street." "I'll put it on." "Now, you hold onto this, I'll pump it up." "Now, hold it up there." "That's right." "What do you smell?" "Subways?" "Perfume?" "Cigarettes!" " Snow." " Sn!" "It goes on and on." "It's just great." "But... then I decided to switch to the tactile." " What do you think?" " I like this." "No, no, really get close and reach in and feel." "There's my kettle." "Well... stroke... palm... caress... explore." "Here we are." "Oat straw tea and ginger pie." "Excuse the mismatched saucers." " This is a new experience for me." " Wonderful!" "Try something new each day." "After all, we're given life to find it out." "Doesn't last forever." "You look as if you could." "Did I tell you I'll be 80 on Saturday?" "You don't look 80." "That's the influence of the right food, exercises and breathing." "Greet the dawn with a breath of fire." "There's no question, my body's giving out." "I'm well into autumn." "It's all gonna be over after Saturday." "Tell me about yourself." "What do you do when you aren't at funerals?" "Yes, there is definitely a certain attraction." "I ask you though, Harold, is it enough?" "What do you mean?" "I like to watch things grow." "They... grow and bloom and..." "fade and die and change into something else." "Life!" "I should like to change into a sunflower most of all." "They're so tall and simple." "What flower would you like to be?" "I don't know." " One of these maybe." " Why do you say that?" " Because they're all alike." " But they're not." "Look, see, some are smaller, some are fatter." "Some grow to the left, some to the right." "Some, even, have lost some petals." "All kinds of observable differences." "You see, Harold, I feel that much of the world's sorrow comes from people who are this... yet, allow themselves to be treated as that." "Power steering." "That little tree is in trouble." "Come on." "Look at it." "It's suffocating." "It's the smog." "People can live with it but trees, it gives them asthma." "They can't breathe." "The leaves!" "They're turning brown." "Harold, we have got to do something about this life." " What?" " We'll transplant it to the forest." " You can't do that." " Why not?" " This is public property." " Well, exactly." "Well, we'll need tools." "You're right." "We'll go see Glaucus." "Come on." "Wait a minute." "Police." "Come." "Good afternoon, Officer." "A bit of trouble here?" "Yes, ma'am." "Someone had trouble parking." "Tell me, that car over there, is that parked all right?" "Yes, ma'am, that's fine." "Thank you so much." "You might turn the radio off - saves the battery." "A little after-dinner liqueur, Harold?" " Thank you, I don't drink." " It's all right, it's organic." " Thanks." " It has no nutritional value but consistency is not really a human trait." "What is that up there?" "That's my umbrella." "That's just a relic." "I found it when I was packing to come to America." "It used to be my defence on picket lines and rallies and political meetings, being dragged off by the police and attacked by thugs." "What were you fighting for?" "Big issue." "Liberty, rights, justice." "Kings died, kingdoms fell." "I don't regret the kingdom." "What sense in borders and nations and patriotism?" "But I miss the kings." "When I was a little girl, I was taken to the palace in Vienna to a garden party." "I can still see the sun shining, the parasols, the flashing uniforms of the young officers." "I thought then that I would marry a soldier." "Later on, Frederick would chide me about it." "He was so serious." "A doctor at the university... and in the government." "But that was all before." "So... you don't use the umbrella any more?" "No more revolts?" "Yes." "Every day... but..." "I don't need a defence any more, I embrace." "Still fighting for the big issues but now in my small, individual way." "Shall we have a song?" " I don't play..." " Come on, I'll show you." "No..." "Harold, join in." "That was fun!" "Let's play something together!" " I don't play anything." " Nothing?" "!" "Dear me!" "Everybody should be able to make some music." "That's the cosmic dance." "Come with me." "There has to be something." "Now, let me see..." "Hold onto this." "What is this?" "Just a second, there we are." "You take..." "This is the one." "Take that." "Just be impulsive, be fanciful." "Let the music flow out of you." "You gotta make some chords." "Put your finger on the second fret there and this one on the third." "Then this one here." "Harold dear." "There you are!" "I have a little surprise for you." "It's a present." "Come along." "There!" "Isn't it darling?" "I had them take away that monstrous thing of yours and send this." "So much more appropriate, don't you think?" "One thing more, Harold." "I telephoned your second computer date and she seems a very nice, quiet girl." "Cute little thing, isn't it?" "I like it very much." "Your licence, lady." "I don't have one." "I don't believe in them." " How long you been driving, lady?" " About 45 minutes, I guess." "We were hoping to start sooner but it's rather hard to find a truck." "Is this your truck?" "No, I just took it." " You took it?" " Yes, I have to plant my tree." "Well, it's not mine really but we would like to get it into soil as soon as possible." "Let me get this straight, you..." "All right, then, we'll be off." "Nice chatting with you." " He was very nice." " Yeah." " I think he's following us." " Is he?" "!" "The police, always wanting to play games." "Ma'am!" "Is the little tree all right?" "Yeah, fine." "Terrific!" "There." "I love the feel of soil, don't you?" "And the smell." "It's the earth..." "The earth is my body, my head is in the stars." "Who said that?" "I don't know." "I suppose I did." "Poor baby." "Isn't it wonderful?" "!" "All around us, living things." "All right, out, lady." " Come on." " Hello." "Have we met before?" "None of that, lady." "Out." "It must have been your brother." "There is a family resemblance." "Buddy, get out of the car." "Just stand over there, lady." "Get out, buster!" "You're in a lot of trouble, lady." "I have you for several offences, including... possession of a stolen vehicle, resisting arrest and possession of a stolen tree." "Where is it?" " We planted it." " You planted it." " Is this your shovel?" " No." "Possession of a stolen shovel." "Don't get officious." "You're not yourself when you are." "That's the curse of a government job." "Lady." "Are you gonna take a lot of time with this?" " Lady, please." "Just quiet, please." " Cos if you are..." "Grab the shovel, Harold." "Lady!" "Stop or I'll have to shoot." "I sure am picking up on vices." "Vice?" "Virtue?" "It's best not to be too moral." "You cheat yourself out of too much life." "Aim above morality." "If you apply that to life, then you're bound to live it fully." "I haven't lived." "I've died a few times." "What was that?" "Well..." "The first time was when I was at boarding school, in the chemistry lab." "I was in there cleaning it up so I decided I'd do a little experiment." "You know, so I got all this stuff out and began mixing it up, it was very scientific!" "There was this massive explosion." "It knocked me down, blew out a huge hole in the floor." "There was boards and bricks and flames leaping up." "I figured, you know... time to leave." "My career in school was over." "So..." "I went home." "My mother was a giving a party so I went up the back stairs to my room." "Turned out the light and..." "I got this funny feeling." "The doorbell rang." "I went out to the banister and these two policemen came in, found my mother... and... told her that I was killed in the fire." "She put one hand up to her forehead, the other one she reached out as if groping for support, and with this long sigh, she collapsed in their arms." "I decided right then that I enjoyed being dead." "I understand." "A lot of people enjoy being dead but they're not dead really." "They're just backing away from life." "Reach out and take a chance, get hurt even, but play as well as you can." "Go team, go!" "Gimme an L, gimme an I, gimme a V, gimme an E." "L-I-V-E, live." "Otherwise you got nothing to talk about in the locker room." "I like you, Maude." "I like you, Harold." "Harold is down at the garage." "He has a new car and he's just been tuning it up." " He's very mechanical." " What kind of car is it?" "It's a little Jaguar." "It looks like a hearse." "Very nice." "You know, compact." "Edith, I'd like you to meet my son Harold." "Harold, this is Edith..." " Phern." " Phern." "Very pleased to meet you." "I think you should go and wash up, dear." "Join us in the drawing room." "And what do you do, my dear?" "I'm a file clerk, Harrison Feed and Grain." "Well, what is it exactly that you do?" "I'm in charge of all the invoices for the southwest." "How interesting." "We supply, for example, most of the egg farmers in Pataluma." " So you can imagine..." " Yes." "Here's Harold now." "Don't get up, dear." "Edith has been talking about her job." "I'm a file clerk." "Henderson Feed and Grain." "Harrison, Harrison Feed and Grain." "It's at Hamilton and 4th." "I'm in charge of the invoices." "I type up the schedule for the trucking fleet." "She supplies the whole southwest with chicken feed." "Well, not exactly the whole southwest, although we do do a large business." "Barley was very big last week." "1,500... bushels." "In view of your recent actions, Harold, you have left me with no recourse but to listen to your uncle's proposed solution." "Consequently, I have instructed him to induct you into the service, and for your own good, to take up active duty with the United States army." "And I hope they have more luck with you than I." "Maude, they're gonna draft me." "Well, don't go." "They'll put me in jail." "Well, historically, you'll be in very good company." "Maude, can you help me?" "With your skill and my experience, I think we can come up with something." "Look on me as a father in this matter." "I know you have no desire to join the army but once you're in, you'll love it." "It's a great life." "Look at me - chauffeur, respect, money in the bank." "It has its drawbacks like anything else, I suppose, but the army takes care of you and you've got a buddy for life." "Good idea coming out here, Harold." "It's a lovely spot." " Thank you, Uncle." " Call me sir." "That's the first thing you learn." "An officer deserves your respect." "Yes, sir." "Let's examine the facts on it." "I say this country has been too harsh on its outright condemnation of war." "You can point to the many material advantages brought about by a crisis and conflict policy." "Hell, World War II gave us the ballpoint pen." "In wartime, the national suicide rate drops." "Is that a fact?" "Now, why in hell did we give up on the Germans?" "Since the damn politicians chalked them up on our side, the wars ever since have been a national disgrace." "Hell, look at history - the two best wars we ever fought were against the Jerries." "I say get the Krauts on the other side where they belong." "Let's have an enemy worth killing and a war this country can support." "That's pretty strong stuff, sir." "Well, Harold, I've always been a man that speaks his piece." "Always hurt me." "I'm not liked in Washington." "I know that..." "but I do have friends in high places." "They kept falling!" "Joe falls back, a neat, red hole in his head." "Only one thing kept going through my mind." "Kill!" "Kill!" "For Joe and Mack and all the rest of the guys." "Kill!" "And then there was a blinding flash... and I woke up on a stretcher." ""Did we hold?" I asked the medic." ""Yes, sir," he said... and I slipped into unconsciousness." "Boy!" "That's a terrific story, sir." "Well, you'll have stories like that to tell of your own some day." " Do you think so, sir?" " Sure you will." "Gee, I never dreamed it could be that exciting." "It's the most exciting thing in the world." "To pit your own life against another." " Yes." " To kill." "The taste of blood in your mouth." "The moment of truth." " Another man's life in your sights!" " Yes!" " Will they really teach me to shoot?" " Sure." "A range of weapons." " To use a bayonet?" " Yes!" " How about hand-to-hand combat?" " Yes." "To strangle someone, choke 'em, squeeze out his life in your bare hands!" " You're getting carried away." " To slit his throat..." " I don't know." " See the blood spurt out." " And souvenirs." " Souvenirs?" "Of your kill." "Eyes, ears, nose, scalp, privates." "What would be the chance of getting one of these?" " To think I could make my own!" " That's disgusting." " It certainly is." " Madam, who are you?" " I am petitioning for peace." " Parasite." " I came here to speak." " Crazy parasite." "Commie bastard." "Don't you talk to me like that, you foul-mouthed degenerate." " Remember Nathan Hale." " Calm down." " She's a commie pig..." " Don't you advance on me!" "You'll all end up like this." " Just like this!" " Filth." "Filth!" "Give me that." "I'm gonna throw that in the sewer." " Madam, please." " She took my head." " Calm down, Harold." " She took my head!" "I'll kill her!" "I'll kill her!" "I'll kill her!" "Give back the head, let's have no trouble." "Harold!" "Madam!" "Damn you!" "You took my head!" "You cow!" " I'll kill you!" " Help!" "I'll kill you." "I'll kill you." "Harold, stop that." "What have you done?" "Do you pray?" "Pray?" "No, I communicate." "With God?" "Life." " This is real nice." " Yeah." " Makes me want to do somersaults." " Why don't you?" "I'd feel stupid." "Harold, everyone has the right to make an ass out of themselves." "You can't let the world judge you too much." "Do you care to join me in a little cartwheel?" "I feel more like yelling!" "I had the most wonderful day today... and... you're very beautiful." "You make me feel like a schoolgirl." "Shall I come and visit you tomorrow?" "Oh, I can't." "I have a luncheon date..." "with a girl." "I don't even know her." "My mother arranged it." "Look!" "Dreyfus once wrote from Devil's Island that he would see the most glorious birds." "Many years later in Brittany, he realised they had only been seagulls." "For me, they will always be glorious birds." "I cannot emphasise too strongly the importance of this meeting." "This is the last girl so this is your third and final chance." "And please try to be serious, Harold." "If not for your sake, at least for hers." "There she is." "Sunshine, I'd like you to meet Harold." "Harold, this is Sunshine Doré." "How do..." "How do you do?" "I can't complain." "Sunshine is an actress, Harold." " I like to think so." " Wonderful." "Why don't you two go down to the music room and I'll follow with some drinks." "Or perhaps Starlight would like a cigarette." " Sunshine!" " Yes, of course." "Sunshine." "Would you like a cigarette?" "No, thank you." "They stain my fingers." "Is Sunshine your real name?" "Well, actually it was the name of my drama teacher, Louis Sunshine." "Perhaps you've heard of him?" "He was such an influence on the development of my instrument." "That means my body in theatre talk." "Doré is my real name." "Well, Dore, actually." "Oh, my!" "What a lovely place you have here." "Do you play?" "No." "I am learning the ban..." "The harmonica." "Is this your father?" "No." "It's my Uncle Victor." "He's in the army." "I do so like the military, don't you?" "What a wonderful collection of knives." "May I see them?" "No, don't touch." "They're very old." "Do you enjoy knives?" "Oh, yes!" "You might find this one interesting." "It's a Hara-Kiri blade." "What's Hara-Kiri?" "That was marvellous!" "It had the ring of truth." "I played Juliet in the Sunshine Playhouse." "Louis thought it was my best performance." "What's here?" "A cup, closed in my true love's hand?" "Poison, I see, hath been his timeless end." "O, happy dagger." "O, happy dagger, this is thy sheath, there rest and let me die..." "I-I've..." "That was your last date." "It wasn't very scary." "No." "It had nothing on this afternoon." "Come on, you loved it." "It was a new experience." "You sure have a way with people." "Well, they're my species." "Look at these stars." "Here." "A gift!" ""Harold loves Maude"" "And Maude loves Harold." "This is the nicest present that I've received in years." "So I'll always know where it is." "Could I speak with Fée, please?" "Fée?" "Darling, I know René will be furious but..." "If he knew what I had to put up with in the last few days." " Mother." " Not now, dear." "Could you put me down for Monday?" " I'd like to talk to you." " I'm on the phone." "I'm getting married." "What did you say?" "I'm getting married." "Hold the line, Fée." "To who?" "I suppose you think this is very funny, Harold." "A sunflower." "You can't be serious." "Your mother has spoken to me about your marriage plan and although I have nothing against marriage," "I don't think this is quite... normal." "A very common neurosis, particularly in this society, whereby the male child subconsciously wishes to sleep with his mother." "Of course, what puzzles me, Harold, is that you want to sleep with your grandmother." "I would be remiss in my duty... if I did not tell you... that the idea of... intercourse... and the fact of your firm, young... body... co-mingling... with the... withered flesh... sagging... breasts... and... flabby..." "buttocks... makes me want... to vomit." "It's... dazzling." "You've thought of everything, and champagne." "It's all right, it's organic." "For you." "And... after dinner... one more little surprise... that I hope will make you very happy." "I am happy." "I couldn't imagine a lovelier farewell." "Farewell?" "Yes, it's my 80th birthday." "Well, you're not going anywhere..." "are you?" "Yes, dear." "I took the tablets an hour ago." "I'll be gone by midnight." "What?" "!" "What a fuss this is." "So unnecessary." "Don't die, Maude, for Christ's sake." "Don't upset yourself so." "I love you." "I love you." "Harold... that's wonderful." "Go and love some more." "Never." "Never." "(Clock chiming)" "(# Guitar intro)" "# Don't be shy" "# Just let your feelings roll on by" "# Don't wear fear" "# Or nobody will know you're there" "# Just lift your head" "# And let your feelings out instead" "# And don't be shy" "# Just let your feelings roll on by" "# On by, on by" "# You know love" "# Is better than a song" "# Love is where" "# All of us belong" "# So don't be shy" "# Just let your feelings roll on by" "# Don't wear fear" "# Or nobody will know you're there" "# You're there, you're there" "# You're there, you're there, there" "# You're there, you're there" "# You're there, you're there" "# Don't be shy" "# Just let your feelings roll on by" "# And don't wear fear" "# Or nobody will know you're there" "# Just lift your head" "# And let your feelings out instead" "# No, don't be shy" "# Just let your feelings roll on by" "# On by, on by" "# On by, on by, on by" "# On by, on by" "(Footsteps approaching)" "(Door opens)" "I suppose you think that's very funny, Harold." " Hello?" "Fée?" " 'Yeah.'" "Darling, be a dear and cancel my appointment with René this afternoon." " I know he'll be furious..." " (Choking) ...but I've had such a fright today and with guests coming this evening..." "Oh, would you?" "(Choking and gagging continues)" "Tell him I promise to be in on Tuesday." " Thank you, Fée, you're a darling." " (Gagging)" "Bye." "Bye." "Oh, dinner at eight, Harold." "And do try and be a little more vivacious." "Of course, Harold's father had a similar sense of the absurd." "I remember once in Paris, he just stepped out for cigarettes and the next thing I knew he was arrested for floating nude down the Seine!" "Experimenting in river currents with rubber water wings!" "Mauve ones." "That cost quite a bit of influence et d'argent to hush up, I can tell you!" "Harold, dear, don't play with your food." "What's the matter?" "Don't you feel well?" "I have a sore throat." "Oh." "Well, directly after dinner, I want you to go straight to bed." "Harold's always been a very delicate child." "Even as a baby, he seemed prone to every possible kind of illness." "Harold, dear, eat up your beets." "I remember in Tokyo, I had to call the embassy for a doctor..." "(Humming)" "Oh, my God!" "This is too much." "I can't stand much more of this." "I can't take any more." "(Sobbing) Oh, my God!" "Oh, God!" "That's very interesting, Harold, and I think very illuminating." "There seems to be a definite pattern emerging and of course this pattern, once isolated, can be coped with." "Recognise the problem and you're halfway on the road to its... its solution." "Tell me, Harold, what do you do for fun?" "What activity gives you a different sense of enjoyment from the others?" "What do you find fulfilling?" "What gives you that special..." "satisfaction?" "I go to funerals." "# Then I found myself alone" "# Hoping someone would miss me" "# Thinking about my home" "# And the last woman to kiss me" "# Kiss me" "# But sometimes you have to moan" "# But nothing seems to suit you" "# But nevertheless you know" "# You're locked towards the future" "# So on and on you go" "# The seconds tick the time out" "# There's so much left to know" "# And I'm on the road to find out" "# Oooh, ooh #" ""Thou dost prepare for me a table in the sight of my adversaries," ""Thou dost anoint my head with oil," ""my chalice overflows." ""Kindness and grace shall follow me all the days of my life" ""and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord for length of days." ""The earth is the Lord's and the fullness thereof," ""the world and they who dwell therein." ""For He has established it upon the waters and set it upon the rivers." ""Who shall ascend the mountain of the Lord" ""or who shall stand in His holy place?" " "The innocent of hand and heart..." " (Sneezes)" ""Who has not turned his mind to vanity" ""nor sworn deceitfully to his neighbour," ""he shall receive the blessing from the Lord" ""and a reward from God, his Saviour." ""This is the generation of those who seek him..."" "# I wish I knew, I wish I knew" "# What makes me me and what makes you you" "# It's just another point of view" "# A state of mind I'm going through" "# Yes" "# So what I see is never true #" "(Tyres and brakes screech)" "Harold?" "Why you purchased that monstrosity I have no idea." "You can have any car you want but that ugly horror is an eyesore and an embarrassment." "Really, it is time you settled down and stopped flitting away your talents on these amateur theatrics, these little divertissements, no matter how psychologically purging they may be." "I don't know what to do." "Go and have a talk with your Uncle Victor." "Perhaps he can fathom you." "After all, he was General MacArthur's right-hand man." "(Man) What do you say, Harold?" "It's a great life." "There's action, adventure, advising" " and you'll see the war first hand." " (Soldiers being drilled)" "And there are plenty of slant-eyed girls." "It'll make a man out of you, Harold." "You'll travel the world, put on a uniform and take on a man's job." "You'll walk tall with a glint in your eye and a spring in your step and a knowledge in your heart that you are working for peace" "and are serving your country, just like Nathan Hale." "That's what this country needs, more Nathan Hale." "(Shouting and explosions)" " (Sergeant major) Hup!" " Harold..." "I think I can see a little Nathan Hale... in you." "(# Tchaikovsky:" "Piano Concerto Number One)" "Tell me, Harold, how many of these... suicides have you performed?" "An accurate number would be difficult to gauge." "Well, just give me a rough estimate." " A rough estimate?" " Hmm." "I'd say... 15." " 15?" " That's a rough estimate." "Were they all done for your mother's benefit?" "No, no" " I would not say benefit." "Harold, I only have a few minutes and I want to inform you of my decision." "You have led a very carefree, idle, happy life up to the present, the life of a child." "But it is time now to put away childish things and take on adult responsibilities." "We'd all like to sail through life with no thought of tomorrow but that cannot be." "We have our duties, our obligations, our principles." "In short, Harold, I think it is time for you to get married." "(Church organ playing)" "Let's pray to the Lord, King of Glory, that he may bless and deliver the souls of all faithful departed from the pain of hell and the bottomless pit." "Deliver them from the lion's mouth and the darkness therein and rather, bring them to the blessing of light, holy life, eternal rest." ""Oh, Lord, do not bring yourself into trial" " "for no man..." - (Woman) Psst!" ""...becomes holy in your sight unless you grant forgiveness of his sins." ""I implore you, therefore," ""do not let the verdict of your judgement go against him..."" "Psst!" ""Rather, by the help of your Grace," ""may he escape the sentence which he deserves" ""for during his earthly life he would sign the seal of the Holy Trinity." ""You, who live and reign forever and ever." ""Amen."" "Psst!" " Like some liquorice?" " No, thank you." "You're welcome." "Did you know him?" " No." " Me neither." "I heard he's 80 years old." "I'll be 80 next week." "(Woman) A good time to move on, don't you think?" "I don't know." "I mean, 75 is too early but at 85, you're just marking time." "(Woman) You may as well look over the horizon." "(# Marching Band, distant)" "I'll never understand this mania for black." "Nobody sends black flowers, do they?" "Black flowers are dead flowers, who sends dead flowers to a funeral?" "It's absurd!" "(# Marching Band)" " What is your name?" " Harold, Harold Chasen." "How do you do?" "I'm Dame Marjorie Chardin but you may call me Maude." " Nice to meet you." " Thank you." "I think we're gonna be great friends." "Can I give you a lift, Harold?" "No, thank you." "I have my own car." "Well, I must be off." "We shall have to meet again." "Ah!" "Tell me, do you dance?" " Pardon me?" " Do you sing and dance?" " Er, no." " Er, no, I thought not." "(Tyres screech)" "(Horn sounds)" "That woman!" "She took my car!" "I have here the forms sent out by the National Computer Dating Service." "They screen out the fat and the ugly, so it is obviously a firm of high standards." "First, here is the personality interview, which you are to fill out and return." "Now then, are you ready, Harold?" "Here is the first question." ""Are you uncomfortable meeting new people?"" "Well, I think that's a yes, don't you agree?" ""Should sex education be taught outside the home?"" "I would say no, wouldn't you, Harold?" "Yeah, we'll give a D there." ""Should women run for president of the United States?"" "I don't see why not." "Absolutely yes." ""Do you remember jokes and take pleasure in relating them to others?"" "Well, you don't do that, do you, Harold?" "Absolutely not." ""Do you often get the feeling that perhaps life isn't worth living?"" "What do you think, Harold?" "A?" "B?" "We'll put C - not sure." "Uh-hmm." ""Is the subject of sex being overexploited by our mass media?"" "Well, that would have to be yes, wouldn't it?" ""Is it difficult for you to accept criticism?"" "No." "We'll mark D." ""Do you sometimes have headaches or backaches after a difficult day?"" "Yes, I do indeed." ""Do you go to sleep easily?"" "I'd say so." ""Do you believe in capital punishment for murder?"" "Oh, yes, I do indeed." ""In your opinion, are social affairs usually a waste of time?"" "Heavens, no!" ""Can God influence our lives?"" "Oh, yes, absolutely yes." ""Does your personal religion or philosophy" ""include a life after death?"" "Oh, yes, indeed." "That's absolutely." ""Did you enjoy life when you were a child?"" "Oh, yes, you were a wonderful baby, Harold." ""Do you think the sexual revolution has gone too far?"" "It certainly has." ""Do you find the idea of wife-swapping distasteful?"" "I even find the question distasteful." ""Do you..."" "Harold, please!" ""Do you have ups and downs without obvious reason?"" "(Laughs) That's you, Harold!" "# Lord, my body" "# Has been a good friend" "# But I won't need it" "# When I reach the end" "# Miles from nowhere" "# I guess I'll take my time" "# Oh, yeah" "# To reach there #" "Psst!" ""Dearest brothers, let us faithfully and lovingly remember our brother" ""whom God has taken to Himself from the trials of this world." ""God have mercy, Christ have mercy, Lord have mercy."" "(All) Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name." "Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven." "Give us this day, our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us." "Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil." "Amen." "# Bring tea for the Tillerman" "# Steak for the sun" "# Wine for the woman who made the rain come" "# Seagulls sing your hearts away" "# Cos while sinners sin" "# The children play" "# Oh, Lord, how they play and play" "# For that happy day" " # For that happy day - # (Happy day) #" "My boy, excuse me." "One moment, please." "Who was that old lady waving to you earlier?" "Hello, Harold." "Can I give you a lift?" "There you are, madam." "Were you the lady who drove my car off yesterday?" " The one with the St Christopher?" " Yes." "Then I suppose it was me!" "Get in, Harold." "Were you also the one who painted the saint?" "Oh, yes!" "How did you like that?" " Well, I didn't." " Don't be too discouraged." "For aesthetic appreciation, always a little time." "(Tyres screech)" "What a delight it is, Harold, to bump into you again." "I knew we were gonna be good friends the moment I saw you." " You go to funerals often?" " Er, yeah." "So do I. They're such fun, aren't they?" "It's all change, all revolving." "Burials and births, all linked." "The great circle of life." "(Tyres screech)" "(Maude) This thing handles well." "Ever drive a hearse, Harold?" " Yeah." " It's a new experience for me." "(Tyres screech)" "Well done, hearse!" "Shall I take you home, Harold?" "Er, this is my car." " Your hearse?" " Yearse!" "(Maude) Oh!" "Then you shall take me home." "So, just before he left for the monastery in Tibet," "Big Sweeney gave me his keys." "I had to make changes for the new model, not as many as you'd think." "Once you have you the basic set, it's only a question of variation." "You hop in any car you want and just drive off?" "Not any car." "I like a variety." "I'm always looking for a new experience." "Maybe..." "Nevertheless, I think you're upsetting people." "I don't know if that's right." "If people get upset cos they feel they have a hold on some things," "I'm just acting as a gentle reminder, here today, gone tomorrow." "So don't get attached to things." "Now, with that in mind," "I'm not against collecting stuff." "I've collected quite a lot of stuff in my time." "This is all memorabilia but it's incidental, not integral, if you know what I mean." " Oh!" "The birds." " Wow!" "I love them so much." "They are the only wildlife I get to see any more." "Ah, me, free as a bird." "At one time, I used to break into pet shops to liberate the canaries but I decided that was an idea way before its time." "Zoos are full, prisons are overflowing." "Oh, my, how the world still... dearly loves a cage." "Er, please sit down, Harold." "I'll put the kettle on." "We'll have a nice, hot cup of tea." "Thank you but I really have to go." "Oh!" "But it's oat straw tea!" "You've not had that, have you?" " No." " Well, then." "I really do have to go." "I have an appointment." " I really can't miss it." " Ah... at the dentist?" "Kind of." "Well, you'll just have to come back and visit." " All right." " My door's always open." " All right." " Promise?" "I promise." "(Psychiatrist) Harold." "Harold?" "I asked, do you have any friends?" " No." " None at all?" "No." "Maybe one." "Would you care to talk about this friend?" "No!" "You are an interesting case but this reluctance is detrimental to the psychoanalytical process." "Do you understand?" "Very well." "Your mother tells me that she's arranging several dates for you with some young ladies." "How do you feel about that?" "(Snoring)" " Hello, I'm Candy Gulf." " How do you do?" "I'm Mrs Chasen." "Do come in." "Harold's in the garden but he'll be here in a moment." "Shall we sit down?" "Oh!" "There's Harold." "Harold!" "(Giggling) Oh, he seems very nice." "Oh, thank you." " You are at the university?" " Yes, I am." " What are you studying?" " Poli Sci with a minor in Home Ec." "Poli Sci?" "Political Science." "It's all about what's going on." "Is Harold interested in what's going on?" "I just think it's such a super thing to study and I can always fall back on my Home Ec." " That's good planning." " Yes." "Tell me, are you a regular with this Computer Club?" "Heavens, no!" "I don't have to worry about dates." "Oh!" "Some of the girls in my sorority decided that someone ought to try it" " so we drew straws and I lost!" " Oh!" "Oh, but I'm looking forward to meeting Harold." "I should mention, Candy, Harold does have his little eccentric moments." "That's all right." "I have a brother who's a real cut-up, too." "Oh!" "I will never forget the time, we had this old TV set with no parts in it," "Tommy stuck his head behind it and started giving a whole newscast before the entire family!" "Must have been very funny." "Ah!" "Harold!" "Oh!" "Yes, dear, here is Harold now." "Harold, this is Candy." "Candy's just been telling us a funny story about..." "Walter Cronkite." "(Candy shrieking)" "# I used to walk alone" "# Every step seemed the same" "# This world was not my home" "# So there was nothing much to gain" "# Look up and see the clouds" "# Look down and see the cold floor" "# Until you came into my life, girl" "# I saw nothing, nothing more #" "Oh..." "Excuse me." " I beg your pardon." " What do you want?" "I'm sorry, I was looking for Maude." "(Maude) Harold?" "(Simpers)" "Maude." "How about some ginger pie?" " Fine." "Thank you." " I'll heat some up." "My, Harold, I'm glad to see you again." "Do you often model for Glaucus?" "Oh, heavens, no!" "I don't have the time but I like to keep in practice and poor Glaucus occasionally needs his memory refreshed as to the contours of the female form." " Do you disapprove?" " Me?" "No, of course not." "Really?" "Do you think it's wrong?" "No." "Oh, heavens!" "I'm glad you said that." "I wanna show you my painting." "This is The Rape Of Rome." "Over in the corner is Leda And The Swan, self-portrait, and over here is my favourite." "It's titled..." "Rainbow With Egg Underneath And An Elephant." " Do you like it?" " Oh, yeah, very much." "I then became infatuated with these, my odorifics." "Give the nose a treat!" "A kind of a... olfactory banquet." "So, I began on the easiest - roast beef, old books, mown grass and Mexican farmyard." "Oh!" "Here's one you'll like, Snowfall on 42nd Street." "I'll put it on." "Now, er, you hold onto this, I'll pump it up." "(Whirring and gurgling)" "OK, now hold it up there." "That's right." "Now, what do you smell?" "Subways?" "(Laughs)" "(Breathes in deeply)" "Perfume?" "(Breathes in deeply)" " Cigarettes!" " (Laughs)" "(Breathes in deeply)" " Snow." " Sn!" "Oh, it goes on and on." "It's just great." "But... then I decided to switch to the tactile." " What do you think?" " I like this." "No, no, really get close and reach in and feel." " (Whistling)" " Oh!" "There's my kettle." "Er, well... stroke... palm... caress... explore." "(Harold moaning with pleasure)" "(Clattering from the kitchen)" "Here we are." "Oat straw tea and ginger pie." "Excuse the mismatched saucers." " This is a new experience for me." " Oh, wonderful!" "Try something new each day." "After all, we're given life to find it out." "Doesn't last forever." "You look as if you could." "Did I tell you I'll be 80 on Saturday?" "You don't look 80." "That's the influence of the right food, exercises and breathing." "Greet the dawn with a breath of fire." "Mmm!" "Hah!" "Hah!" "Hah!" "Hah!" "Mmm!" "Hah!" "Hah!" "Hah!" "Hah!" "Mmm!" "Hah!" "Hah..." "Uh!" "Oh!" "Well, there's no question, my body's giving out." "I'm well into autumn." "It's all gonna be over after Saturday." "Er, tell me about yourself." "What do you do when you aren't at funerals?" "Yes, there is definitely a certain attraction." "I ask you though, Harold, is it enough?" " What do you mean?" " Well..." "Hmm..." "I like to watch things grow." "They... grow and bloom and..." "fade and die and change into something else." "Ah, life!" "(Maude) I should like to change into a sunflower most of all." "They're so tall and simple." "What flower would you like to be?" "I don't know." " One of these maybe." " Why do you say that?" " Because they're all alike." " Oh, but they're not." "Look, see, some are smaller, some are fatter." "Some grow to the left, some to the right." "Some, even, have lost some petals." "All kinds of observable differences." "You see, Harold, I feel that much of the world's sorrow comes from people who are this... yet, allow themselves to be treated as that." "# Well, I think it's fine" "# Building jumbo planes" "# Or taking a ride" "# On a cosmic train" "# Switch on summer" "# From a slot machine" "# Yes, get what you want to if you want" "# Cos you can get anything" "# I know we've come a long way" "# We're changing day to day" "# But tell me, where do the children play?" "# Well, you roll on roads" "# Over fresh green grass" "# For your lorry loads" "# Pumping petrol gas" "# And you make them long" "# And you make them tough... #" " Power steering." " #... but they just go on and on" "# And it seems that you can't get off" "# Oh, I know we've come a long way" "# We're changing day to day" "# But tell me, where do the children play?" "#" "(Horns honking, tyres screeching)" "(Man) Hey!" "That little tree is in trouble." "Come on." "Look at it." "Oh!" "It's suffocating." "It's the smog." "People can live with it but trees, it gives them asthma." "They can't breathe." "The leaves!" "They're turning brown." "Harold, we have got to do something about this life." " What?" " We'll transplant it to the forest." " You can't do that." " Why not?" " This is public property." " Well, exactly." "Well, we'll need tools." "You're right." "We'll go see Glaucus." "Come on." "Wait a minute." "Oh, police." "Come." "(Maude humming)" "Good afternoon, Officer." "A bit of trouble here?" "Yes, ma'am." "Someone had trouble parking." "Tell me, that car over there, is that parked all right?" "Yes, ma'am, that's fine." "Thank you so much." "You might turn the radio off - saves the battery." "# Ta-da, ta-da... #" "(Officers chatter, indistinct)" "(Engine starts)" "(Engine revs, tyres screech)" "(Tyres screech)" "A little after-dinner liqueur, Harold?" " Thank you, I don't drink." " It's all right, it's organic." " Thanks." " It has no nutritional value but consistency is not really a human trait." "What is that up there?" "Oh, that's my umbrella." "That's just a relic." "I found it when I was packing to come to America." "It used to be my defence on picket lines and rallies and political meetings, being dragged off by the police and attacked by thugs." "What were you fighting for?" "Oh, big issue." "Liberty, rights, justice." "Kings died, kingdoms fell." "I don't regret the kingdom." "What sense in borders and nations and patriotism?" "But I miss the kings." "When I was a little girl, I was taken to the palace in Vienna to a garden party." "I can still see the sun shining, the parasols, the flashing uniforms of the young officers." "I thought then that I would marry a soldier." "Later on, Frederick would chide me about it." "He was so serious." "A doctor at the university... and in the government." "But that was all before." "So... you don't use the umbrella any more?" "No more revolts?" "Oh, oh, yes." "Oh!" "Every day... but..." "I don't need a defence any more, I embrace." "Still fighting for the big issues but now in my small, individual way." "Shall we have a song?" " I don't..." "I don't play..." " Come on, I'll show you." "No..." "(Begins playing the piano)" "(Maude) #... sing out" "# If you wanna be free, be free" "# Cos there's a million things to be" "# You know that there are" "# And if you wanna be high, be high" "# If you wanna be low, be low" "# Cos there's a million ways to go" "# You know that there are" "# And if you wanna be me, be me" "# If you wanna be you, be you" "# Cos there's a million things to do" "# You know that there are... #" "Harold, join in." "(Maude humming) #... million things to do" "(Both) # You know that there are" "# You can do what you want" "# The opportunity's on" "# And if you find a new way" "# You can do it today" "# You can make it all true" "# And you can make it undo" "# You see how it's easy" "# Ah, you only need to know... #" "(Piano continues) #... if you wanna be free, be free" "# Cos there's a million things to be" "# You know that there are, you know that there are" "Oh, that was fun!" "Let's play something together!" " I don't play anything." " Nothing?" "!" "Dear me!" "Everybody should be able to make some music." "That's the cosmic dance." "Oh, come with me." "There has to be something." "Now, let me see... (Mumbling) Oh!" "Hold onto this." "What is this?" "Just a second, there we are." "You take..." "This is the one." "Take that." "Just be impulsive, be fanciful." "Let the music flow out of you." "You gotta make some chords." "Put your finger on the second fret there and this one on the third." "Then this one here." "(Practising chords)" "(Mrs Chasen) Harold." "Harold?" "Harold dear." "Oh, there you are!" "I have a little surprise for you." "It's a present." "Come along." "There!" "Isn't it darling?" "I had them take away that monstrous thing of yours and send this." "So much more appropriate, don't you think?" "Oh, one thing more, Harold." "I telephoned your second computer date and she seems a very nice, quiet girl." "Cute little thing, isn't it?" "I like it very much." "(Alarm)" "Your licence, lady." "I don't have one." "I don't believe in them." " How long you been driving, lady?" " About 45 minutes, I guess." "We were hoping to start sooner but it's rather hard to find a truck." "Is this your truck?" "Er, oh, no, I just took it." " You took it?" " Yes, I have to plant my tree." "Well, it's not mine really but we would like to get it into soil as soon as possible." "Let me get this straight, you..." "All right, then, we'll be off." "Nice chatting with you." " He was very nice." " Yeah." "(Siren)" " I think he's following us." " Is he?" "!" "Ah, the police, always wanting to play games." "Ma'am!" "Is the little tree all right?" "Yeah, fine." "(Maude) Terrific!" "(Patting the ground)" "(Maude) There." "(Maude) Mmm!" "I love the feel of soil, don't you?" "And the smell." "It's the earth..." "The earth is my body, my head is in the stars." "Who said that?" "I don't know." "I suppose I did." "Oh, poor baby." "Isn't it wonderful?" "!" "All around us, living things." "(Honks horn)" "(Siren)" "All right, out, lady." " Come on." " Hello." "Have we met before?" "None of that, lady." "Out." "It must have been your brother." "There is a family resemblance." "Buddy, get out of the car." "Just stand over there, lady." "Get out, buster!" "You're in a lot of trouble, lady." "I have you for several offences, including... possession of a stolen vehicle, resisting arrest and possession of a stolen tree." "Where is it?" " We planted it." " You planted it." " Is this your shovel?" " Er, no." "Possession of a stolen shovel." "Don't get officious." "You're not yourself when you are." "That's the curse of a government job." "Oh, lady." "Are you gonna take a lot of time with this?" " Lady, please." "Just quiet, please." " Cos if you are..." "Grab the shovel, Harold." "Lady!" "Stop or I'll have to shoot." "(Clicks)" "I sure am picking up on vices." "Vice?" "Virtue?" "It's best not to be too moral." "You cheat yourself out of too much life." "Aim above morality." "If you apply that to life, then you're bound to live it fully." "I haven't lived." "I've died a few times." "What was that?" "Well, er..." "The first time was when I was at boarding school, in the chemistry lab." "I was in there cleaning it up so I decided I'd do a little experiment." "You know, so I got all this stuff out and began mixing it up, it was very scientific!" "There was this massive explosion." "It knocked me down, blew out a huge hole in the floor." "There was boards and bricks and flames leaping up." "I figured, you know... time to leave." "My career in school was over." "So..." "I went home." "My mother was a giving a party so I went up the back stairs to my room." "Turned out the light and, er, I got this funny feeling." "The doorbell rang." "I went out to the banister and these two policemen came in, found my mother... and... told her that I was killed in the fire." "She put one hand up to her forehead, the other one she reached out as if groping for support, and with this long sigh, she collapsed in their arms." "I decided right then that I enjoyed being dead." "I understand." "A lot of people enjoy being dead but they're not dead really." "They're just backing away from life." "Reach out and take a chance, get hurt even, but play as well as you can." "Go team, go!" "Gimme an L, gimme an I, gimme a V, gimme an E." "L-l-V-E, live." "Otherwise you got nothing to talk about in the locker room." "I like you, Maude." "I like you, Harold." "(# Blue Danube)" "Harold is down at the garage." "He has a new car and he's just been tuning it up." " He's very mechanical." " What kind of car is it?" " It's a little Jaguar." " Oh." "It looks like a hearse." "Very nice." "You know, compact." "Edith, I'd like you to meet my son Harold." "Harold, this is Edith..." " Phern." " Phern." "Very pleased to meet you." "I think you should go and wash up, dear." "Join us in the drawing room." "And what do you do, my dear?" "I'm a file clerk, Harrison Feed and Grain." "Well, what is it exactly that you do?" "I'm in charge of all the invoices for the southwest." "How interesting." "We supply, for example, most of the egg farmers in Pataluma." " So you can imagine..." " Yes." "Oh, here's Harold now." "Don't get up, dear." "Edith has been talking about her job." "I'm a file clerk." "Henderson Feed and Grain." "Harrison, Harrison Feed and Grain." "It's at Hamilton and 4th." "I'm in charge of the invoices." "I type up the schedule for the trucking fleet." "She supplies the whole southwest with chicken feed." "Well, not exactly the whole southwest, although we do do a large business." "Barley was very big last week." "1,500... bushels." "(Phutters)" "In view of your recent actions, Harold, you have left me with no recourse but to listen to your uncle's proposed solution." "Consequently, I have instructed him to induct you into the service, and for your own good, to take up active duty with the United States army." "And I hope they have more luck with you than I." "Maude, they're gonna draft me." "Well, don't go." "They'll put me in jail." "Well, historically, you'll be in very good company." "Maude, can you help me?" "With your skill and my experience, I think we can come up with something." "(Victor) Look on me as a father in this matter." "I know you have no desire to join the army but once you're in, you'll love it." "It's a great life." "Look at me - chauffeur, respect, money in the bank." "It has its drawbacks like anything else, I suppose, but the army takes care of you and you've got a buddy for life." "(Whistling)" "Good idea coming out here, Harold." "It's a lovely spot." " Thank you, Uncle." " Call me sir." "That's the first thing you learn." "An officer deserves your respect." "Yes, sir." "Let's examine the facts on it." "I say this country has been too harsh in its outright condemnation of war." "You can point to the many material advantages brought about by a crisis and conflict policy." "Hell, World War II gave us the ballpoint pen." "In wartime, the national suicide rate drops." "Is that a fact?" "Now, why in hell did we give up on the Germans?" "Since the damn politicians chalked them up on our side, the wars ever since have been a national disgrace." "Hell, look at history - the two best wars we ever fought were against the Jerries." "I say get the Krauts on the other side where they belong." "Let's have an enemy worth killing and a war this country can support." "Wow, that's pretty strong stuff, sir." "Well, Harold, I've always been a man that speaks his piece." "Always hurt me." "I'm not liked in Washington." "I know that..." "but I do have friends in high places." "(Victor imitating machine gun) They kept falling!" "Joe falls back, a neat, red hole in his head." "(lmitates gun) Only one thing kept going through my mind." "Kill!" "Kill!" "For Joe and Mack and all the rest of the guys." "Kill!" "And then there was a blinding flash... and I woke up on a stretcher." ""Did we hold?" I asked the medic." ""Yes, sir," he said... and I slipped into unconsciousness." "Boy!" "Wow, that's a terrific story, sir." "Well, you'll have stories like that to tell of your own some day." " Do you think so, sir?" " Sure you will." "Gee, I never dreamed it could be that exciting." "It's the most exciting thing in the world." "To pit your own life against another." " Yes." " To kill." "The taste of blood in your mouth." "The moment of truth." " Another man's life in your sights!" " Yes!" " Will they really teach me to shoot?" " Sure." "A range of weapons." " To use a bayonet?" " Yes!" " How about hand-to-hand combat?" " Yes." "To strangle someone, choke 'em, squeeze out his life in your bare hands!" " You're getting carried away." " To slit his throat..." " I don't know." " See the blood spurt out." " And souvenirs." " Souvenirs?" "Of your kill." "Eyes, ears, nose, scalp, privates." "Harold!" "What would be the chance of getting one of these?" " To think I could make my own!" " That's disgusting." " It certainly is." " Madam, who are you?" " I am petitioning for peace." " (Harold) Parasite." " I came here to speak." " Crazy parasite." "Commie bastard." "Don't you talk to me like that, you foul-mouthed degenerate." " Remember Nathan Hale." " Calm down." " She's a commie pig..." " Don't you advance on me!" " You'll all end up like this." " Urgh!" " Ooh, filth." "Filth!" " Harold!" "Give me that." "I'm gonna throw that in the sewer." " Madam, please." " She took my head." " Calm down, Harold." " She took my head!" " I'll kill her!" "I'll kill her!" " Harold!" " I'll kill her!" " (Maude screaming)" "Give back the head, let's have no trouble." "Harold!" " (Maude screaming)" " Madam!" "Harold!" "(Victor) Damn you!" "(All shouting)" "You took my head!" "You cow!" " I'll kill you!" " Help!" " Harold!" " I'll kill you." "I'll kill you." "Harold, stop that." "Harold!" "(Splash)" "What have you done?" " Maude?" " Hmm?" "Do you pray?" "Pray?" "No, I communicate." "With God?" "Life." " (Harold) This is real nice." " Yeah." " Makes me want to do somersaults." " Why don't you?" "(Laughs) I'd feel stupid." "Harold, everyone has the right to make an ass out of themselves." "You can't let the world judge you too much." "(Maude laughing)" "Er, do you care to join me in a little cartwheel?" "I feel more like yelling!" "(Shouts)" "(Tarzan yell)" "(Yell echoes)" "# Well, if you want to sing out, sing out" "# And if you want to be free, be free" "# Cos there's a million things to be" "# You know that there are" "# And if you want to be me, be me" "# And if you want to be you, be you" "# Cos there's a million things to do" "# You know that there are" "# You can do what you want" "# The opportunity's on" "# And if you find a new way" "# You can do it today" "# You can make it all true" "# And you can make it undo, you see #" "Maude..." "I had the most wonderful day today... and... you're very beautiful." "Oh, Harold!" "Ah!" "You make me feel like a schoolgirl." "Shall I come and visit you tomorrow?" "Oh, I can't." "I have a luncheon date... with a girl." " Oh." " I don't even know her." "My mother arranged it." "Oh, look!" "Oh!" "Dreyfus once wrote from Devil's Island that he would see the most glorious birds." "Many years later in Brittany, he realised they had only been seagulls." "# Ah ah ah, it's easy" "# Ah ah ah, you only need to know... #" "For me, they will always be glorious birds." "# Well, if you want to sing out, sing out" "# And if you want to be free, be free" "# Cos there's a million things to be" "# You know that there are, you know that there are" "# You know that there are, you know that there are" "# You know that there are #" "I cannot emphasise too strongly the importance of this meeting." "This is the last girl so this is your third and final chance." "And please try to be serious, Harold." "If not for your sake, at least for hers." "Oh!" "There she is." "Sunshine, I'd like you to meet Harold." "Harold, this is Sunshine Doré." "How do..." "How do you do?" "Oh, I can't complain." "Sunshine is an actress, Harold." " I like to think so." " Hmm, wonderful." "Why don't you two go down to the music room and I'll follow with some drinks." "Or perhaps Starlight would like a cigarette." " Oooh, Sunshine!" " Oh, yes, of course." "Sunshine." "Would you like a cigarette?" "No, thank you." "They stain my fingers." "Is Sunshine your real name?" "Well, actually it was the name of my drama teacher, Louis Sunshine." "Perhaps you've heard of him?" "He was such an influence on the development of my instrument." "Er, that means my body in theatre talk." "Doré is my real name." "Well, Dore, actually." "Oh, my!" "What a lovely place you have here." "(Door creaking)" "(Continues creaking)" "Do you play?" "No." "I am learning the ban..." "The harmonica." "Is this your father?" "No." "It's my Uncle Victor." "He's in the army." "I do so like the military, don't you?" "What a wonderful collection of knives." "May I see them?" "No, don't touch." "They're very old." "Do you enjoy knives?" "Oh, yes!" "You might find this one interesting." " It's a Hara-Kiri blade." " (Giggles)" "What's Hara-Kiri?" "Whaaa!" "(Moaning)" "(Cries out)" "Hiraki!" "Oh!" "(Admiringly) Harold!" "Oh, that was marvellous!" "Oh, it had the ring of truth." "I played Juliet in the Sunshine Playhouse." "Louis thought it was my best performance." "What's here?" "A cup, closed in my true love's hand?" "(Sniffing)" "Poison, I see, hath been his timeless end." "O, happy dagger." "O, happy dagger, this is thy sheath, there rest... (Gags) ...and let me die... (Moans)" "I-I've..." "Oh!" "Harold!" "That was your last date." "(# Fairground organ)" "(Harold) It wasn't very scary." "No." "It had nothing on this afternoon." "Oh, come on, you loved it." "It was a new experience." "(Maude laughs)" "(All laughing and cheering)" "(Harold) You sure have a way with people." "Well, they're my species." " (Harold) Look at these stars." " Mmm." " Maude..." " Yes?" "Here." "A gift!" ""Harold loves Maude"" "And Maude loves Harold." "This is the nicest present that I've received in years." "(Splash)" "So I'll always know where it is." "# I think I see the light" "# Coming to me, coming through me" "# Giving me a second sight" "# So shine, shine, shine" "# Shine, shine, shine" "# Shine, shine, shine shine, shine, shine" "# Shine, shine, shine" "Could I speak with Fée, please?" "Fée?" "Darling, I know René will be furious but..." "If he knew what I had to put up with in the last few days." " Mother." " Not now, dear." "Could you put me down for Monday?" " I'd like to talk to you." " I'm on the phone." "I'm getting married." "What did you say?" "I'm getting married." "Hold the line, Fée." "To who?" "I suppose you think this is very funny, Harold." "A sunflower." "You can't be serious." "Your mother has spoken to me about your marriage plan and although I have nothing against marriage," "I don't think this is quite, er... normal." "A very common neurosis, particularly in this society, whereby the male child subconsciously wishes to sleep with his mother." "Of course, what puzzles me, Harold, is that you want to sleep with your grandmother." "I would be remiss in my duty... if I did not tell you... that the idea of... intercourse... and the fact of your firm, young... body... co-mingling... with the... withered flesh... sagging... breasts... and... flabby..." "buttocks... makes me want... to vomit." "Oh, Harold." "It's... dazzling." "(Harold humming The Blue Danube)" "(Orchestra playing The Blue Danube)" "You've thought of everything, and champagne." "It's all right, it's organic." "Oh, Harold!" "For you." "And, er... after dinner... one more little surprise... that I hope will make you very happy." "Oh, Harold." "I am happy." "I couldn't imagine a lovelier farewell." "Farewell?" "Yes, it's my 80th birthday." "Well, you're not going anywhere..." " are you?" " Yes, dear." "I took the tablets an hour ago." "I'll be gone by midnight." " What?" "!" " (Siren)" "(Maude) What a fuss this is." "So unnecessary." "Don't die, Maude, for Christ's sake." "Oh, Harold... don't upset yourself so." "I love you." "I love you." "Oh, Harold... that's wonderful." "Go and love some more." "Never." "Never." "# Trouble, oh, trouble set me free" "# I have seen your face and it's too much, too much for me" "# Trouble, oh, trouble can't you see?" "# You're eating my heart away and there's nothing much left of me" "# I've drunk your wine" "# You have made your world mine" "# So won't you be fair?" "# So won't you be fair?" "# I don't want no more of you" "# So won't you be kind to me?" "# Just let me go where" "# I'll have to go there" "# Trouble, oh, trouble move away" "# I have seen your face and it's too much for me today" "# Trouble, oh, trouble can't you see?" "# You have made me a wreck, now won't you leave me in my misery?" "# I've seen your eyes" "# And I can see death's disguise hanging on me" "# Hanging on... #" "(Engine revving and straining)" "# I'm beat, I'm torn" "# Shattered and tossed and worn" "# Too shocking to see" "# Too shocking to see" "# Trouble, oh, trouble move from me" "# I have paid my debt, now won't you leave me in my misery?" "# Trouble, oh, trouble please be kind" "# I don't want no fight and I haven't got a lot of time #" "(Engine straining)" "(Playing If You Want To Sing Out, Sing Out)" "# Well, if you want to sing out, sing out" "# And if you want to be free, be free" "# Cos there's a million things to be" "# You know that there are" "# And if you want to live high, live high" "# And if you want to live low, live low" "# Cos there's a million ways to go" "# You know that there are" "# You can do what you want" "# The opportunity's on" "# And if you find a new way" "# You can do it today" "# And you can make it all true" "# You can make it undo" "# You see, ah ah ah," "# It's easy, ah ah ah" "# You only need to know" "# Well, if you want to say yes, say yes" "# And if you want to say no, say no... #"