"# A cottage small is all I'm after" "# Not one that's spacious and wide" "# A house that brings you joy and laughter" "# And the ones you love inside" "# Some like the high road, I like the low road" "# Free from the care and strife" "# Sounds corny and seedy" "# But, yes indeedy" "# Give me" "# The simple life" "How about that?" "Weren't they wonderful?" "Whaddaya say out there?" "How about that?" "Let's hear it out there." "The lovely Miller Sisters." "See you later, girls." "Go to my dressing room and lie down." "They're wonderful, and fun to travel with." "Course, they keep us in separate cages." "Not that I can't be trusted." "I'm married to a woman who's a terrific sport." "She even looks like Joe DiMaggio." "Joe DiMaggio?" "Yeah, she's so ugly that..." "Anybody out there, or have we been captured?" "But all kidding aside, I just wanna say to all you guys and nurses what a thrill it is to be in Korea with you." "We're all in this together, right?" "That guy's first." "Get this guy inside." "Give him a third of a grain of morphine." " Quarter of a grain's enough." " A third." " Are you going over my head?" " Just through the hole in it." " Now you hold it!" "And that's an order!" " Move!" "That's a threat!" " This is a gold oak leaf." " I thought it was a little big for dandruff." "He's a big guy in severe pain." "He can handle a third of a grain." "If not, the anaesthesiologist can support breathing." " Go do what I said." " Informed opinion says a quarter." "Informed opinion isn't on a stretcher with a boot full of blood." "You've insulted me in the presence of others for the last time." "Don't forget your hat, Frank." "This guy with laryngitis walks into the doctor's office and sees a beautiful nurse." "She's built like a brick hospital." "Down, Charlie." "He walks in - the guy with laryngitis - and says "Is the doctor in?"" "And the nurse winks and says "No, come on in."" "Yeah, but really, though, I know how hard you medics and nurses really work." "I really do." "Although..." "I wouldn't mind being paid for playin' doctor, though." " How am I doin'?" " Not too good." "His BP's low." "His pulse is rapid." "Gimme another unit of blood." "I gotta go into his chest." "This could take a while." "I hope he doesn't have a late date." "Is it necessary to make bad jokes while operating?" " Absolutely." "Scalpel." " Scalpel." "I've found it invaluable to make bad jokes since my first autopsy, when my colleagues put a kidney under my cap." " Sponge?" " Sponge." " How am I doin' now?" " You're fine." "He's in trouble." "Can I be of any help?" "You can pray for me to become a better doctor in the next five minutes." "Excuse me, Father." "# Why don't we do this more often" "# Just what we're doing tonight" "# Gee, but it's great to get together again" "# Why does it only happen now and then?" "# We ought to do this more often" "# Don't you agree that I'm right?" "# We make each other laugh" "# We make each other sing" " Why aren't you at the switchboard?" " You asked me to come here." "They could phone about my wife any minute." "You just spoke to the hospital." "She's not in labour yet." "Don't argue!" "It's bad enough that she's having a baby and I can't be there with her." "Yes, sir." "Well, at least you were there for the important part." "# Just what we're doin' tonight" "You know that joke about the guy who saves his regiment?" "Shoots the cook?" "No." "How's it go?" " Kaplan, pass the salt." " No." "I beg your pardon?" "This dentist is not touching anything that hasn't been checked by the bomb squad." "Taking rides in your chair again?" "That makes you dizzy." " Reach into my pocket." " I hardly know you." "My shirt pocket." " My travel orders." "I'm going home today." " No kidding." " Mind if I look, for drooling purposes?" " You unfold it." "I could get a paper cut." "I'm not having any last-minute infections." " Aren't you stretching things a bit?" " I haven't used the latrine in 18 hours." " Now that's something I didn't have to know." " In my pocket." "Can't be too careful." "Friend of mine got his orders, broke his leg the next day." "Got it tangled in a nurse at his farewell party." "Well, you got a good point there, Kaplan, and good luck." "# Again" "# This couldn't happen again" "# This is that once in a lifetime" "# This is the thrill divine" "You're not eating." "Know something I don't?" " Something's troubling me." " Think of me as your mother, Father." " May I make a confession?" " As long as you don't use real names." "For some time now, I've been comparing the disparity of our callings." "Doctor versus priest." "You fellows are always able to see the end result of your work." "I mean, you know immediately if you've been successful." "For me, the results are far less tangible." "Sometimes - most of the time " "I honestly don't know whether I'm doing any good or not." "I used to have a professor in med school who said:" ""God cures the patients but the doctor takes the fee."" "Do you think that's true?" "I'm able to do things in surgery that I'm not really good enough to do." "Thanks, Hawkeye." "# But never, never again" "# Never again" " Gimme some suction." " Yes, Doctor." "Feels like someone used my eyeballs for a teabag." "Nurse!" "Trapper, you better not be much longer." " Clamp?" " Clamp." "Thanks." "OK, come on." "Stay with us, will ya?" "Hello?" "Hello, uh, Bloomington, Illinois?" " General Hospital?" " You got them?" " I'm calling about Mrs Henry Blake." " Maternity." "Right." "She's pregnant." "You know, with a baby." "Yeah." "OK, OK." "They're ringing her room." "Boy, can you imagine?" "I am becoming a father for the third time." "Yes, sir." "They know what causes that now." " What are they doing?" " Hello?" "Yes?" " I'm still holding, operator." " Why am I so nervous?" "For gosh sakes, she's got the best obstetrician in town." "Marv Handleman." "He could deliver a baby with his eyes shut." "That's the only way I'd do it, sir." "Yes?" "What?" "Are you sure?" "Sir?" "She's not there any more." " She's not there any more?" " We'll get right back to ya." " I just..." " It's all right." "They sent her home." "She had a false labour." " She had a what?" " A false labour?" " Radar?" " Steady, sir." " I'm not gonna make it." " Steady, sir." "Just sit." "OK." "Everything's gonna be fine." "Would you believe that I've got a craving for dill pickles?" "That's the last of the shrapnel." " Close him fast." " Gimme some 3-0 silk." " I've lost the pulse." " I'm gonna massage the heart." "Get some adrenaline ready." " Hang on, dammit!" " Still no pulse." " Adrenaline!" "Let's go!" " It's going again." "But it's irregular." "Oh, God..." "Yes, operator, go ahead, I can hear you." " Seven pounds, two ounces, 21 inches?" " What's, uh, seven pounds, two ounces?" "Your son, sir." "My son?" " My wife's had a boy?" " Well, it isn't a girl-son, sir." "Your wife is doing just fine." "It's the hospital." "The hospital?" "Listen, tell Mildred" " Mrs Blake - that her husband, Henry, loves her very much." " She didn't hear your name." " What?" "Henry." "H as in..." "Never mind, she knows my name." "Just tell her that I love her, and that I'll call her and that all my labour pains have stopped." "Goodbye." " Congratulations, sir." " Thanks, Radar." "A son." "A boy." "So this woman gets up real close to the guy in the sailor suit and she says:" " "So what kind of doctor are you?"" " Guy says "Me?" "I'm a naval doctor."" "And she says "Boy, when you specialise, you really specialise!"" "Ohh, so it's that kind of a crowd, huh?" "You really go for the sophisticated stuff, huh?" "# I had the craziest dream" "# Last night, yes, I did" "# I never dreamt it could be" "# Yet there you were" "# In love with me" "# I found your lips close to mine so I kissed you" "# And you didn't mind it at all" "# Not at all" " You've never had any children, have you?" " Being single, it never seemed a wise move." "It's too bad." "It's a great feeling." "Then why do you sound like a hit-and-run victim?" "Me?" "I couldn't be happier." "There's no disgrace in being depressed because you can't be with your new baby." "Yeah, inasmuch as no umbilical cord reaches 20,000 miles." "Here's to your new son, Henry." "Yeah." "Yeah." "But let's hope I meet him before he gets drafted and sent over here." "# Say it and make my craziest dream" "# Come true" "Let's hear it for the girls!" "How about this band?" "They're gonna do a number, but first I'll tell you about Charlie." "Charlie served in World War II." "Remember it?" "It was in all the papers." "What'd he say?" "Uh..." "I didn't really hear." "Charlie's in a hospital with a sheet over him." "He pulls it down and sees himself being wheeled away on a stretcher." "He asks the orderly "Where we goin'?" The orderly says "To be buried."" "He says "I'm not dead." Orderly says "Wanna make a fool outta the doctor?"" "It doesn't look good, Trapper." " You did your best." " Too bad it was so lousy." "What's goin' on?" "There's a rumour you three eloped." "I started out to be an architect." "Couldn't handle the math." " Why don't you get some rest?" " Here, Father." "We need some cross action." "The blood pressure is still low, but it's better." "Hang another unit of blood." "What was that about not being sure you did good?" "It's not supposed to work that way, you know." "Go hit the sack or I'll report you to the doctors and the architects." "I'll take care of him." "Come on." "You know something?" "Those two could wind up..." "Uh, yes?" "Rolling Easter eggs." "Captain Kaplan?" "Pile in." "Move over." "You think I'm putting my life in your hands?" " What are you - 19?" " I'm 18, sir." "My feet have corns older than you." "What is that?" "A disinfectant?" "Who knows where this kid's hands have been?" " Goodbye, Doctor." " Please, Nurse, no offence..." "I'm a dentist." "I know." "The mouth is a playground for germs." "If the tongue weren't attached, it'd jump out in a minute." " Is it possible to bless a jeep, Father?" " Consider it done." "We better go." "You have a plane to catch." "Don't remind me." "As we're talking, the propeller's getting older." "Well, goodbye, everybody." " Lucky man." " Certainly is." "I knew it!" "Did I know it?" "Did I know... did I say it?" "I said it from the very beginning." "Jinxed." "Look at that." "Anybody can step on the gas instead of the brake." " How's the driver?" " The kid's OK." "Figures!" "I'm going home, I'm in pieces!" "He's staying here, he didn't bust a pimple." "You know how I'm getting home when the time comes?" "I'm walking!" "You're not leaving me alone!" " Would you like a surprise, sir?" " Yes, I would." "I'd like to be stolen by Gypsies and taken to their camp in Illinois." "Close your eyes." "Radar, this is not a good day for playing games." "Please?" "Yeah." "OK, now, no peeking now." "Yeah." " Well?" " Just a minute." " Oh, boy." " I'm coming." "Mm-hmm." " Can I open my eyes yet?" " Not yet." "Hold out your hands." "OK, open 'em." "Oh... oh, don't cry." "Radar, where did this baby come from?" "You're not in any kind of trouble, are you?" "Oh, no, no, sir." "His mother works in the camp laundry." "I just thought, since you couldn't get to see your own son..." "He's, uh, he's a beautiful boy." " Can she speak English, Radar?" " Uh, no, sir." "But it's nice you could smile in Korean." " Well, I guess we'd better get back to work." " Yes, sir." "Sir?" "In a minute." "# You make me feel so young" "# You make me feel there are songs to be sung" "# Bells to be rung and a wonderful fling to be flung" "# And even when I'm old and grey" "# I'm gonna feel the way I feel today" "# Cos you make me feel so" "# You make me feel so" "# You make me feel so young" "# So young" "Just wait a second." "It's been a ball, an honour, and a privilege meeting with you like this." "It's time to go because they're winding up the rubber band on the airplane." "On behalf of the Miller Sisters, let's hear it!" "Charlie Keller and his Clan of Lunatics." "And me, yes sirree, in person, Jackie Flash, saying we'll be back to see you again real soon." "Same time, same place, same war." "So long now, and God bless ya." "Yes, sir, let's hear it out there."