"Previously on the Ex List" "You are the best sister ever on the whole planet." "Elliott, I don't want to just be your girlfriend." "What makes you think being your half-girlfriend" " is making me any happier?" " You're not hating me as much." "You've known Bella for like what, three years?" "So?" "I have been putting up with little man drama of hers since freshman year of college, and I can't put up with it again." "My name is Bella." "I think I may have found your cat." "No way." "Tommy Anzide!" "How are you?" "What are you doing?" "Tommy Anzide was like my funniest high school boyfriend." "He made peach schnapps come out of my nose twice." "I made your buddy Augie over there laugh so hard once he chipped a tooth." "Remember, baby?" "Fondly, my love." "Come here, Rufus." "Come here, baby." "Leave the kitty alone." "So you really think this is your big romantic destiny finding your junior prom date's cat?" "I didn't just go to the prom with him." "We dated for like three months." "I'm sorry, I'm not as familiar with your pre-college dating." "You don't think it's anything that I haven't seen or talked to this guy in like 16 years, and I just randomly find his pet?" "No, I think it's something that you haven't talked to him in 16 years and you're watching his pet." "What am I supposed to do?" "He's out of town." "Just leave it on the street?" "Why is the pool in front of Bella's apartment instead of ours?" "There's three of us, one of her." "How do we not win this?" "This... is Tommy Anzide." "Oh, he's cute, but I don't care what the psychic says if he still gets his hair frosted, he's not the one." "And why search for ex-boyfriends when one comes right to your house?" "Hey, who's my¡­ oh, who's my good boy?" "Up!" "Up." "Yeah." "What's up, dude?" "Elliott, you're half an hour early to pick up Rufus." "I'm sorry." "Are you not emotionally ready for me yet today?" "You don't affect me." " You seem affected." " Maybe because we have joint custody of our dog, and you're robbing me of half an hour with him." "The whole reason I made a schedule is so you wouldn't just drop by." "Sorry." "Look, I'm just not used to things being so formal." "I promise I'll remember to SYNC up my calendar before I come get our dog." "Whose cat is that?" "A friend's." "Oh, a friend's." "That'll show me." "Have a good time at the race today." "I know it's a big day for you." "Later." "Bye." "Run for me." "Entertain me while I feast." "Of all our traditions, the annual" ""Watch the Crazy People Exert Themselves" "While We Eat and Drink" Brunch top five." "Possibly three." "I think I am going to do the race next time, though." "That seriously gets funnier every year." " What you you doing over there, Blondie?" " Nothing." "Are you Googling Tommy Anzide?" " What the hell?" "!" " Bella, it's just" " an Internet search..." " No, no, I don't want to know." "You got this guy's number on a tree." "Why are you even looking at it?" "Geez, what is with you people?" "Bella, everybody Googles their exes." "Like, occasionally when you're bored." "I guess I'm never bored." " I am." " What if I do a search for Tommy Anzide and find out he's like a professional seal clubber?" "So I blow him off, and I miss whatever karmic lesson I'm supposed to have and the journey's screwed?" "Then he's a seal clubber... end of lesson." "You're not allowed to say "journey" anymore." "And I'm sorry, but Googling... not romantic." "I don't want to find a soul mate the way Cyrus finds porn." "I want it to be something cool, and..." "What the hell, man?" "!" "So sorry." "I was aiming for the trash." "Wait..." "Bella?" "This is so bizarre." "Jake?" "A breakup can penetrate a blanket, Jake." "It's not like the boogeyman." "This is not a breakup." "You're so into me." "I am into you, but you promised me for like the ten-zillionth time we would go out tonight." "Can't you just let me slide one more time." "Rally... or I'm out." "Come on, Bella." "Come on..." "Come, love." "You realize the instant you got me to like you, you stopped wearing pants with zippers?" " Seriously." " Got you to like me?" " With all my magic and trickery?" " Uh, yeah." "With your three and a half weeks of concerts and parties and courting, courting, courting." "And let's do this, and let's go there, and blah, blah, blah." "And now four months of couch." "It's like your mind registered affection, and your body just went, " Oh, cool, she's in, blah. "" "Did you just call me fat?" "No, I called you lazy, and a promise breaker, and now I'm breaking up with you unless you rally." "I'm just so tired." "Maybe... maybe I'm going through a growth spurt." "At 23?" " My family's weird." " We have to have a relationship outside this apartment, Jake." "Couples are surpposed to do stuff together." "We do do stuff." "Having sex and watching TV doesn't count." "We have to be out, like, in the world doing stuff with people." "The only reason people go out is to find someone to go home and have sex with while they watch TV." "Well, I guess you need to start going out." "# Little miss, little miss, little miss can't be wrong #" "# Little miss, little miss, little miss can't be wrong #" "# Oh, oh. #" "Bye." "Wait, wait... what just happened?" "A guy threw a cup at you then ran away." "I dated him 12 years ago in New York." "He looks awesome, by the way." "Was that it?" "Am I, like, supposed to run after him?" "Yeah, go." "Jump right over the railing..." "Just a little Chariots of Fire." "Make sure you scream, " Will you marry me? "" "Don't." "You've had five sausages." "You'll never catch him." "I know who I can catch." "How did you make a decision before you met me?" "Oh, you mean before the dark arts sent me down the rabbit hole?" " Pretty easily." " I don't have time for you today." "Well, can I make an appointment?" "You're having a houseguest, red hair, orange hair, maybe strawberry blonde..." " Is it a cat?" " Did I say it was a cat?" "If it was a cat, I would say cat." "I said guest because that's all I see." "Okay, but you see how to a layman that doesn't make any sense?" "No." "There's an issue with the redhead in the bathroom." "And if you're not careful, you're going to see something you don't want to see." "And then there's other things, but I don't have time for that, ok?" "Everybody lives." "Pay me $30." "I can't make change." "just..." "I want to know what the rules are here." "Like Internet searches... yay or nay?" "Maybe, sometimes... it depends." "You're like a snippy Magic Eight Ball." "I told you, you already met your soul mate." "You've had a romantic relationship with him." "You have to get married within a year or you'll never marry." "How much more work you want me to do?" "I'm asking for a few guidelines." "What exactly should I be doing?" "Am I sitting around waiting for things to hit me, or should I be actively searching for people?" "Seriously." "I've been looking for the one since the fifth grade." "Do not let me blow this." "Sometimes you have to run after them, sometimes you have to go after your own business." "# Call me crazy if you got any proof #" "# But these people don't seem to mind #" "Hello." "Where was your extra-sisterly perception today?" "I agreed to teach hip-hop, samba, funk and no one showed up." "I wound up teaching the Sparklet's guy how to krump." "How are you not sensing my despair?" "I had three mimosas, and Jake from New York threw a cup of water at me." " You promise to come to the next one?" " Yes." "And Barney thinks the renovations he's doing will only take two weeks, but I'm staying with you until the wedding anyway." "Yeah, I just realized I didn't really ask you." "So wait..." "Jake?" "Like couch-sex-guy Jake?" "Who is now a triathlete." "Whoa, he probably looks really great." "Wow." "Yeah, I think he's in the front of the store" " scoping the succulents." " What?" "If you throw that at me," "I'm hitting you with a fichus." "Bella, hi." "This... this is so... not a coincidence." "Um, which is both embarrassing and hysterical at the same time really." "You were gone from the restaurant by the time I finished the race." "So, yeah..." "I googled you." "Hmm..." " You have to marry within the year..." " What?" "...or you'll spend the rest of your life alone." " When am I gonna meet him?" " You already have." "You had a romantic relationship with him." "Do you have any idea how many men I've dated?" "I've kissed a few frogs." "# Looking for the only thing # # that matters now, and it's just you #" "# on my way, it starts today #" "# I'm dedicated to find you #" "# Dedicated to find you. #" "Okay, so far, nine of my students think that the league that was formed in 1920 as a result of the Treaty of Versailles was The Justice League of America." "Wow, you're a really bad teacher." "The Justice League formed in what... '62?" "'60." "" The Brave and the Bold, " number 28." "Thanks for letting me borrow your bike." "So did this guy just open with " Let's go mountain biking "" "or" there's coffee-and-drinks offer on the table and you did this to yourself "?" "He opened with mountain biking." "Aren't activity dates for when you're not sure if you like someone, and you don't want to waste the day?" "Yeah, but I think he's trying to impress me." " With mountain biking?" " Yeah." "Jake was like this really smart, super witty guy." "The only reason we broke up is because he got lazy-ish." "I think maybe he's trying to show that he changed, or... wants to show off his new butt, which I'm also cool with." "Seriously, when's the last time you went mountain biking?" "Exactly." "My life is in a loop." "I need to mix things up." "Expand my horizons." "Jake used to be conjoined to the couch" " and now he's running triathlons." " Sorry." "I didn't realize what an inspiration he'd become to you in the last 20 minutes." "Who's Kara Zunder?" "What you doing, babe?" "Nothing." "Just being bored." "Hmm." "And how's that working out for ya?" "Apparently, once you date me, you evaporate." "Oh..." "You should do an advanced search with her hometown and college." "And sometimes an image search works the best." "Thank you, my love." "You were searching blogs and news, right?" "I'm glad you're not threatened by this." "Of course I'm not." "Because I know that I'm the best person you've ever dated." " Do ya?" " Yeah." "Some people need to date a little out of their league, because they're more comfortable feeling inferior and lack the motivation, and some people like to date a little below" "And I assume that you are the adored one in that scenario?" "Yeah." "Dude, wait." "Do an image search for "Tanya Behan."" "B-E-H-A-N." "Hottest chick I ever dated." "First girl I got to second base with." "There's a funeral for CherylBehan." "Oh." "Yeah." "I think that's her mom." ""Pictured, son Michael and daughter Tanya."" "Oh!" "That's the hot girl you got to second base with?" "How many bases does she have?" " No." " Oh." "That's not her... is it?" "Wow." "Can I just say I'm feeling... feeling really good about my mountain bike outing right now." "That's not her." "# Life is beautiful, it's true #" "# When I thought it's what I do #" "# And enjoy the world in front of me #" "# And the time to get away #" "#This is a good time to get away to the good life... #" "Whew!" "This is beautiful, huh?" "Yeah." "Be a lot prettier if I remembered my gel seat." "Come on." "You okay?" "Need me to make you some sort of rudimentary cushion out of dry brush and dirt?" "Please." "Could you bust out that skill?" "Or just do that." "I don't want to wow you with all my survivalist abilities right off the bat." "I want to ease into it." "Hope you're not expecting me to return the favor." "I'm wearing my least favorite sports bra." "Yeah?" "Uhkn, ow, I'm so glad you came today, 'cause it's great to hang out with a girl who does stuff." "Okay, can we address the complete transformation, please?" "What?" ""It's great to hang out with a girl who does stuff"?" "You wouldn't walk two floors down from your apartment to go to Ming's Chinese with me." "Well, that's just because I didn't want either of us to put our clothes on, that's all." "I'm so psyched you came!" "What are you doing after this?" "Do you have any plans?" "Some of my coworkers are having this little party at the beach." "We can finish up here and head over." "Should be fun." "Great." "Unless, of course, you need more rest." "I don't know." "Oh." "You do a couple ab videos you think you can outlast me now?" "You want to race back down, Sparky?" "Down?" "We can finish the trail." "The party's not till later." "It's probably just an hour to the top, hour and a half back down." "We've got plenty of time." "Let's do it!" "Okay, Sparky, let's hit it!" "# And it's time to get away #" "# This is a good time to get away to the good life #" "Daph?" "# To get away on this perfect day #" "Daph!" "# To work inside of the city #" "# And play all day in the... #" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh, my God!" "How is this the first time that has ever happened?" "Okay, just so you know, the psychic totally had a vision of this, which I think should creep you out as much as it creeps me out." "You have a psychic?" "Yeah." "I have five minutes to take a shower and get ready, all right?" "Go play next door." "I can't believe the psychic saw us having sex." "We do have sex a lot." "Yeah." "Do you want to not have sex till after the wedding?" "No." "I'm serious." "We have sex, like, twice a day." "Our honeymoon's going to suck." "It's not going to suck." "You get points for finding an ex in a news article, lose points if they involve criminal activity." "If your ex has a family page, you have to drink." "If they have a hot MySpace photo, you can make someone else drink." "You should lose points for an ex with a MySpace page." "Unless they're a musician." "Yeah." "You lose points for the page, but you can make someone drink if the picture's hot." "Moving on." "What is this?" "I love it." ""Google Ex Smackdown"" "Wedding and birth announcements equal a drink." "If they have a blog, you do a shot." "If your ex is something awesome, you can make everyone do a shot." "Beach party?" "Pretty!" "I was a little, sporty bike chick this afternoon, so I want to show some range." "So, did you have fun on your little bike ride?" "I did. 4.8 kilometers of possible soulmate bliss." "All uphill?" "What?" "Look, I'm just concerned about poor Tommy Anzide's cat." "That means he's going to be out on the street now." "All right!" "We ready to start?" "Yes!" "Come on." "So these are all people you work with?" "Yeah." "Some of them." "That's my boss right over there." "Not the pregnant one, as far as I know." "I didn't realize the publishing industry was so muscley." "And when did they start cloning Maria Sharapova." "Who okayed that?" "You know what?" "I think I did." "We stopped at five." "My plan is to clone five of you as well." "Get you all playing basketball against each other." "Nice." "Oh!" "Let's kick it." "Tell me more about your grand schemes." "You want to toss a little bee?" "Oh." "Umm..." " What?" "Too tired?" "Today a little too much for you?" "I can..." "I can toss some bee, you... you freak." "I'm such a jerk." "You have this beautiful dress on..." "It's fine." "I'm not going to ruin my dress playing Frisbee." "Yeah?" "You're the coolest girl ever." "Everybody, check it out." "We need six more for Ultimate Frisbee." "Who's in?" "Ultimate Frisbee?" "Yeah!" "You've played before, right?" "It's kind of like football." "All right." "Here we go!" "# The super doesn't stand for model #" "# But that doesn't mean I'm plain #" "# If all you see is how I look you miss the superchick within #" "# And I christen you Titanic, under-estimate and swim #" "# I've got the rifle gonna be myself #" "# I've got the rifle gonna be myself #" "# I've got the rifle gonna be myself #" "# I've got the rifle gonn be myself #" "# And I'll be everything that I wanna be #" "# I am confidence, and insecurity #" "# I am a voice yet waiting to be heard #" "# I'll shoot the shot, bang #" "# And I'm a one-girl revolution #" "# I'm a one-girl revolution #" "# I'm a one-girl revolution. #" "Go, do a shot." "I can't believe he's a NASCAR driver." "I thought they were supposed to be smallish." "You know, this game kind of sucks when you don't get to drink ever." "Really, it's so much more fun when your girlfriend's dated a pro hockey player and a robotics engineer for frucking NASA." "Marty, you." "Dude, we've been dating for 13 years." "We ran out of exercises two hours ago." "Augie, can I be on your team?" "I want to get a buzz." "Tanya Farrell." "Tanya Farrell." "She was like Miss Kentucky or Miss Kansas." "Gorgeous, smart..." "Keep talking, drunkie." "You afraid to even it up?" "I have an ex with a little bit of pedigree." "And an eBay store that sells collectible porcelain dolls." "There's a photo." "Oh, she's really pretty." "I love that her doll is wearing the same dress." "Whenever I meet a guy's boss," "I like to bring him with a Frisbee." "Yeah?" "Seems a nice tone." "You know what, it does." "Hey, sorry about your dress." "Once again, my mad skills are too much for the spaghetti strap to handle." "Okay, how are you so strong and so tiny?" "I'm not." "I am putting you in my pocket." "Whaa!" "Well, put me in soon, dude." "Cause I'm mooning San Diego." "Oh." "You want to get together tomorrow?" "I'd love to." "You should come sea kayaking with me." "It will be great." "Do it early in the morning before work." "Dawn patrol." "Ugh." "Seriously?" "All right." "You would have kicked ass at this game." "Do you know how many points you would have gotten for Elliott?" "We found this really hot picture of him in his veterinary clinic..." "Daph, I love you." "Shut up." "But It's pre-wedding slumber party weeks." "I'm exhausted, and I have a sea kayaking date at 5:30 in the morning." "You have a sea kayaking plan." "The only date activity at 5:30 in the morning is the walk of shame." "It's a date." "Oh, my God!" "Me and Marty are celebrate." "We made a cute little pact." "So our honeymoon will be special." " Isn't that like the sweetest?" " Shh." " Sleepy time." " Okay." "I hate Tommy Anzide." "Moo?" "Moo!" "Moo?" "Moo?" "I'm sorry." "Moo!" "This is someone's little pet." "What if Rufus was missing?" "You'd be searching with the National Guard." "Moo?" "Moo!" "Moo!" "Moo!" "You need to go to the other side of the street." "But it's..." "Other side of the street." "Moo!" "Here, kitty-kitty-kitty." "Moo!" "Here, kitty-kitty-kitty." "Moo?" "Moo!" "Moo!" "Moo!" "What the hell are you doing?" "Oh, oh, sorry." "Shut up!" "Sorry to bother you, sunshine, but my friend's cat got lost." "Bella?" "Oh." "Hi." "Sorry." "I'm..." "I'm, like, cat-sitting, and the cat got out." "It got out." "You know, I'm sure it's around somewhere." "Do you want help looking?" "Um..." "Hello." "Cat whisperer." "Great!" "Great." "Okay, thanks." "Bye." "I guess the cat is the guest redhead because that's something I really didn't want to see." "She haike, no ass." "None." "Flat." "Flat, flat." "He had to have Rufus there." "It was 4:00 in the morning." "Or he got so swept up with the blonde, that poor Rufus is home peeing on his chair." "How well am I handling this?" "You are handling this really well." "It might just be that I'm so exhausted," "I don't care about anything." "Maybe me and Elliott are both moving on." "And in the morning, you get to go on your sea kayaking date." "One, two, three, up!" "Yeah, it's great to have someone to do stuff with." "My ex-girlfriend wasn't up for anything other than dinner and a movie." "Which, yes, I realize is karmic payback." "Good thing you owned up to that, man." "So how do you like your job?" "What?" "Your job?" "Oh, it's great." "So how's your family doing?" "Your little brother probably in college by now?" "Jake?" "Yeah?" "What?" "Okay, Marty won't break the celibacy pact, and I am so over it." ""Everything but" is exhausting." "I don't know how virgins do it." "You are seeing this as a problem, right?" "Just a little sore." "I can deal." "I'm so not this girl, but he needs to buy you dinner." "The whole problem in the past is that he didn't want to do things together." "I can't now, you know, start complaining because he wants to do things." "Yes, you can." "What's up?" "Hey, what's the name of the girl I went out with sophomore year?" "The one that looked like that chick that sang that crappy song about being on the floor?" "Dude, that girl so didn't look like Natalie Imbruglia." "She was a poor man's Phoebe Cates at best." "Whatever." "What was her name?" "I'm hanging up on you." "And I love that you're just freely running the bases at my apartment." "Someone needs to." "All your dates end up with you home alone with an ice pack." "It's so weird." "I feel like he likes me." "I mean..." "Piper Stevens." "Piper Stevens." "It's like he's always inviting me to do stuff, and he's being all flirty and touchy." "He never stops moving, never." "It's like dating the bus from Speed." "Maybe he just wants to be friends." "Or maybe he's just trying to kill you." "Just ask him what his deal is." "And stop being a wuss." "Okay, that's exactly it." "Now use your leg muscles." "See?" "I knew you'd be great at this." "So, next time we go out, we need to go get fish tacos or go to a bar or something." "How about tonight?" "I get together with some co-workers at this bar once a week." "I've never brought a date, but I think it'll be okay." "The place is a little loungey, but it's cool." "I'm fine with loungey." "Daph!" "Hi!" "You better not be having sex 'cause I need the shower!" "I'm not!" "Moo?" "Moo?" "Oh!" "Moo!" "Rufus, stay." "Stay." "What the heck is wrong with you?" "Everything." "I can't bend, I can't reach." "I think I pulled an ass muscle." "Oh... yeah..." "You want him in the bathroom?" "No, no." "Bedroom." "Please." "Is it, uh, a bad time?" "Well, you're 15 minutes early, so kind of." "Rufus!" "Hi." "How'd you get cuter?" "What's up with all the bruises?" "And that flapping Band-Aid?" "Ultimate Frisbee injury." "Okay, handoff completed." "Peace out." "Are we cool?" "Yeah." "What?" "What?" "I'm seeing someone else, so..." "I'm not seeing her." "Uh!" "We're not in this place we're in the dropping- off-the-dog and-don't-tell-me-anything place." "You should get some flexible Band-Aids." "For the joint." "Keep it covered or it's never gonna heal." "Hi, can I get a tequila straight up with salt, please?" " Two." " Be right back." "What?" "Nothing." "I'm glad to see you still drink tequila." "I always loved that." "There's something about it that's so Bella to me." "So what's up with you?" "Spill." "How are you?" "How have you been?" "What's going on?" "There he is." "Bringing in the win." "You ready, man?" " Am I ready?" " Ready for what?" "Okay, triviologists, are you ready?" "!" "Like to welcome you all out to our favorite night of the week." "Trivia Olympics!" "First question..." "You guys do this every week?" "Yeah, I figured you'd kick ass at this." "What two nights of the year are there no professional sports scheduled?" "Yellow team?" "The night before and after the baseball all-star game." "Home run!" "What two male actors won Oscars for playing the same character?" "I know." "Yellow team." "Marlon Brando and Robert DeNiro as Vito Corleone." "Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding!" "Yeah, baby!" "Whoo!" "Oh, yeah, baby!" "In your face, Washington Mutual!" "Your boss really likes her trivia, huh?" "We all do." "Next question." "For all you nature lovers, what is world's largest flower?" "Bella's got it." "Bella's got it." "What?" "Oh." "Oh!" "Um, okay," "I think I totally know this." "It's, um, it's got the articulated stem." "The world's largest flower." "The world's largest flower." "Um..." "Ah!" "The titan arum?" "Correct!" "Wow, that's so weird." "We've been playing Trivia Olympics for, like, three years and it's never gone to double overtime." "I didn't even know there was an overtime." "That is weird." "So, it's supposed to be pretty windy tomorrow." "Do you want to take a parasail?" "Dude, what's the deal?" "What?" "With the constant activities?" "It's like being at camp without the kissing and alcohol." "Are we like action buddies or something?" "You just want to be friends?" "Mm!" "Ow!" "Sorry." "Ow!" "Oh, sorry!" "Oh, you know what?" "My arm really can't..." "Okay." "That all right?" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Seriously, can we just leave it on?" "Yeah." "Bella?" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Bella?" "Bella?" "I think there's something blocking the door." "Come back later!" " Hey." " Hey." "So, I guess I have to hang out here with you guys, because my sister is a tramp." "I think you have, like, a Google problem." "You need to stop." "I am." "I've done everyone but the big ex." "I'm saving the best for last." "And there's an Amazon link!" "Score!" "She wrote a book." "Shot." "Go." "Dude, what's the book." "I..." "Stop Dating Losers." "Wow, five stars and 270 customer reviews?" "Yeah, do a shot for that." "Look at us just sitting here eating cereal, staring at the wall." "Yeah, it's pretty sweet." "I think so." "You haven't fed me, by the way." "What?" "There's been no eating." "You're a whirling dervish." "There's no time for snacks." "You know, let's not go climbing tomorrow." "I'll take you out to lunch." "Mm, it's all part of your elaborate plan, right?" "Date me for five months, wait 12 years and get me all love drunk, on some sex and move right in for the lunch?" "Hello?" "Where'd you go?" "What's going on in there, Thinking Man?" "Nothing." "Yeah, I just, um... nothing." "It's nothing." "Look, it's just..." "Wow." "Um..." "You're the first person I've been with since my ex." "And I was feeling a little ..." "I don't know, it just came into my head." "That's cool." "Like after though, right?" "Yeah." "Yeah, of course, definitely." "I just ruined everything, didn't I?" "No." "No." "Whatever, you know..." "Yeah." "Whatever." "Exactly." "See, that's why you're so awesome, okay?" "You're just cool." "You know, my ex would've lost her mind if I said something like that to her... and she then would've grilled me just to get to it." "It would be hours and hours of interrogation and I'd say one tiny thing and she'd just..." "You know, and she'd always act like we were so tight nothing could ever faze her, and then she'd just flip out for no reason." "Literally, no reason." "What are you gonna do?" "You can't just love away insecurity." "Why would you ask what he's thinking?" "Because I wanted to know." "Well, now you do." "This one's way too orange." "He talked about her all night, all night." "It was like listening to a biography on tape" " that you couldn't shut off." " Yet you could've shut it off at any time." "By the time I went from confused to stunned to completely uncomfortable, I was already imbedded." "There really wasn't even a break." "He just went on, and on, and on..." "Really?" "What's that like?" "Until you have to read about your girlfriend's-- and I kid you not-- vaccine-inventing former Navy Seal," "I've got no sympathy for you." "She has a tag-line." ""Before you find 'the one,' you have to stop dating 'the zero.'"" "You should sue her." "Maybe the book isn't about you, Cyrus." "Yeah." "No." "Honestly, what are the chances are you're the only loser she's ever dated?" "You should get a copy of that for Bella." "You need to cross this guy off the list." "I'm not crossing him off anything." "I've beeving fun with him." "He's exciting." "Everything was fine when we were doing stuff." "Like, the second we stopped moving, he started talking." "So staple him to a treadmill, live happily ever after." "There's a germ of good in that idea." "Take advantage of that guilt trip." "I was all ready to buy you a seven-course lunch." "I had energy to burn today." "Ow!" "How did I break a nail?" "I cut them down to nubs." "See?" "That's why Celeste wouldn't go climbing." "She didn't want to cut her nails." "Celeste hated camping, too." "So, listen." "I was thinking about going camping next weekend." "Do a little hiking, some climbing for real." "You bragging, or is that an invitation?" "No." "I know this great spot north of Big Bear." "Celeste's family had a house there, so we used to go a lot." "Jake, more climbing, less Celeste." "What?" "You're been talking about her a lot." "I mention her as a point of reference." "Okay." "I get it." "I just don't need the reference." "I wasn't reminiscing, okay?" "I mentioned her because it was lame to go to Big Bear with her." "She didn't want to do anything." "You need to understand it's just conversation, Bella." "I understand." "It's just it's the same conversation." "We've been having Celestepalooza for two days now." "Are you gonna get all crazy about other women, too?" "Okay, you know, you being rude doesn't mean I'm being crazy." "How am I being rude?" "Talking about your ex, like, three seconds after having sex is rude." " It's inarguably rude." " I've given you compliments," "I've invited you places." "I've seen you around the clock for, like, a week straight." "It doesn't matter that you've seen me, Jake." "What does it matter how much you're seen me when all you do is talk about your ex-girlfriend every two minutes?" "Seriously, every two minutes?" "You don't think you've mentioned her a lot?" "Every two minutes?" "I love that you told someone off while wearing a harness." "How often does that get to happen?" "I'm not supposed to listen to that, right?" "Of course not." "Doesn't make me insecure, or a bad friend because I don't want to hear about his ex-girlfriend all the time." "The most secure, best friend in the world would at the very least be bored by it." "There was, like, potential there, you know?" "Like, this thing." "This... this... this chemistry." "Bella, he's really hot." "It's not that." "We always had this good... this good banter." "We get each other." "Well, I'm gonna go help Cyrus with, you know, that thing." "Whatever." "Bye." "Bye." "I'd like to buy an arrangement." "What's the occasion?" "I'm a jackass." "How much did you want to spend?" "Like $35, $40." "Wow." "You are a jackass." "$60?" "Okay, so do you want to hear about how right you are or about how sorry I am?" "That's not really what it's about, Jake." "Then what's it about?" "I thought something was starting to happen between us." "You're not over your ex." "I am." "Look, look, I am." "Okay, I just..." "I never dealt with the breakup." "The day after she dumped me," "I started training for the triathlon." "Yesterday was really the first time" "I actually stopped and thought, and just sat with it." "Bella," "I..." "I feel like this is some fated do-over" " or something." " I'm all out of jackass cards." "You might want to use a "With Sympathy."" "I'm cutting Celeste completely out of my life." "Okay?" "I'm moving on." "One more chance." "That's all I'm asking for." "I'm gonna confess, I read a half a box of Trivial Pursuit cards today." "Aw, that's fine." "Hello, Jake." "Celeste, I don't think we should be seeing so much of each other." "There's just really not a place for you in my life anymore." "I quit." "Hey!" "Hey, Jake." "Hello." "Oh, sorry." "Sorry." "I just really wanted to get out of there before it hit the fan." "The ex-girlfriend that you've been talking nonstop is your boss?" "Was my boss." "I..." "I already feel better." "You were right." "I mean, I..." "I feel free, you know?" "All this talking about Celeste, and you couldn't mention that we were hanging out with her?" "I didn't want it to be weird for you." "I hit her in the head with a Frisbee" "Don't worry about that." "She knew you had no idea who she was." "Oh." "Oh, okay." "I feel much better knowing you had conversation with her about it." "Bella, she so doesn't matter." "Do you really, honestly think for a second you're over this woman?" "Yeah." "Totally." "So you wouldn't mind if, like, she was dating someone?" "No." "Is she?" "Oh, my God!" "No, seriously, did she say something to you?" "Jake, as a person who cares for you it's time to wake up and smell the crazy." "Look, I just ended something recently and it sucks." "And you think you're never going to get over it, and then you do, and then you strangely miss feeling bad about it, and then it kind of starts all over again." "But my point is, there's a process." "And you can't outrun it." "Believe me, I tried." "So, like, friends with benefits or just friends?" "Just friends." "Don't you already have enough of those?" "I mean, maybe he'll get over her quickly." "Did you tell him you're on a tight cosmic schedule?" "Yeah, I said, "By all means... even if you're completely not ready to be in a relationship... come sniffing around my tree again."" "I'm just saying, tick tock." "Yeah, well, psychic prediction or not," "I'm still a romantic." "The right guy's the right guy." "Sorry, I've been trying to call you for an hour." "Oh, my cell phone was turned off." "I have to fill in at the clinic overnight;" "I need you to take Rufus." "Look, I know it's not on the schedule, but it's an emergency." "Of course, it's fine." "I don't know what the rules are anymore." "It's not like we can't help each other out." "Good." "Even if it's not about Rufus." "Yeah, when's it ever not about Rufus?" "Go take care of the clinic." "Oh, um... here." "Oh..." "I'm excited." "We get to go back to mocking Tommy Anzide." "I hope he still has that little dangling cross earring." "Well, if he doesn't maybe he can borrow that Ahnk necklace of yours from freshman year in college." "Hey!" "Excuse me?" "Was there a pact breaking?" "Yes." "But Marty was very good." "He lasted four whole days." "I would've broke in 45 minutes, but she made me swear on my mother." "Aw, you're cute." "Hey!" "How was the book signing?" "Did you call her out?" "Show her who's boss?" "Give her what for?" ""Syr, this book is not about you."" " She spelled your name wrong." " I know." "Dumb as a box of hair." "I don't know how I ever dated her." "Rufus?" "Rufus?" "Moo?"