"Huh?" "What was that?" "Bad news." "I just called every public course in Heimlich County... and they're all booked up." "It's that dang PGA tournament they're gonna be playing... over at the Nine Rivers Country Club." "Tiger Woods comes to town and everyone's a golfer." "You know, it's times like these when it seems crazy... that we don't have our own backyard putting green." "I don't know, Hank." "Taking care of a putting green means extra watering... extra mowing, more fertilizing." "Our lives would be nothing but lawn care." "Let's go!" "Let's go!" "Let's build a putting green!" "Yeah!" "This is one small step for man... one giant leap for golfkind." "Well, I've been asking for a batting cage since the day we moved in." "Bobby?" "Shush!" "Hey, it's a backyard golf course." "Regular redneck country club." "How many food stamps it cost to play a round?" "Well, it's better than the putting green you have in your back yard." "Oh, wait, guys." "Kahn doesn't have one, does he?" "Let's see." "He's got a hammock... trampoline, a shed, a built-in grill." "No." "No putting green, Hank." "Your joke is completely accurate." "What I need to clutter my backyard with rinky-dink putting green for?" "I'm joining Nine Rivers Country Club." "Kahn, you're a lucky ducky!" "Yeah." "Next weekend I'll be in members-only box on fourth hole cheering for..." "Eldrick ""Tiger"" Woods as he pumps his fist in victory." "Maybe I'll high-five him." "Bobby?" "Shush it!" "I'm not finished!" "Yeah, that's right." "The fourth hole." "Signature hole at Nine Rivers." "KAHN:" "From the tee, a deep raviie separates the golfer, from a two-tiered, zoysia-grass greei," "The greei is jealously guarded from behiid by lative marshlaids," "Aid ii froit by buikers, which eicircle it like a straid of rare pearls," "No woider this 175-yard masterpiece, cai become either a portrait of frustratioi, or ole of uiequalled joy," "[Kahn clapping]" "Dream over, rednecks." "Time to return to putt-putt nightmare." "The hell with Kahn!" "You know, we've already got the green." "We can put in a fairway and make an exact replica... of the fourth hole right here in the alley." "According to my truck odometer..." "Boomhauer's place is exactly a tenth of a mile from here." "That's 176 yards." "I don't follow your math... but I'm moved by your passion." "Go on." "Well, you see, the alley is sort of like a big ravine." "Especially when the sewer backs up." "Sorry." "And Kahn's yard might as well be a sand trap." "Nothing that lands in there's ever coming back." "bill:" "And we could arrange those garbage cans just like a string of pearls." "That'll show Kahn." "Why you tell hillbillies we get into Nine Rivers?" "I was just trying to make them feel bad." "But it backfire and wind up bumming me out!" "Nine Rivers turn us down six times already." "Last time they send rejection letter, we not even mail in application." "I'm tired of feeling like rare orchid growing... from giant pile of dung that is this alley." "Nine Rivers is only all-Asian country club in Heimlich County." "We all-Asian." "We should be there." "All right." "Then this time, we not use proper channels." "Call Ted Wassanasong." "He now the big muckamuck on membership committee." "We invite him over, fill him with the liquor and pop the question." "Dare I dream it?" "Nine Rivers will be our new home." "We eat there, shower there." "We only have to come back here to pick up invitations... to next party at Nine Rivers!" "What happens if my tee shot lands on a bird's back... and he carries it out of bounds but then is attacked... by a larger bird who grabs the ball and drops it in the hole?" "Is that still a hole-in-one?" "Because that's how I'm gonna play it." "Dang it, Dale." "It already happened once." "What are the odds of it happening again?" "Hi-ya!" "How hard would it have been to say we had to pick up Uncle Vong at the airport?" "Not very!" "Well, we've been forbidding Chang to date Connie." "Let's have dinner and remind ourselves why." "Greetings, Ted and Cindy Wassanasong!" "It's been too long!" "We just had you over a few...." "Well, yeah, we meant to." "Say, the alarm in my Mercedes is on the fritz." "Am I going to be okay on the street?" "Or should you move your car and let me park in the garage?" "Rest easy." "The only crime here is how much taxes are going up... due to skyrocketing property values." "So I hear very funny joke the other day." "Takes place at Nine Rivers Country Club." "You ever been there?" "We're charter members." "Really?" "I'm not the type to keep track of these things." "And the joke?" "Oh." "Yes." "Actually, Minh the big joke-teller." "Man walks into a bar, it's Kahn!" "He's incredibly successful!" "Oh, wait." "That's not a joke." "It really happened." "Please." "Ted and Cindy do not want to hear about my success." "I'm sure they would rather taste it... by means of your filet mignon." "Eight." "Come, Ted." "Let us repair to the lanai." "The sunset awaits us." "And that's not all." "Cohibas!" "Super nice." "We'll never smoke them all tonight." "Good thing you have a private humidor at Nine Rivers." "Maybe we go there sometime, watch PGA tournament together." "Kahn, that's only for members." "I think I see where you're going with this." "Let me help." "I would be honored" "KAHN:" "Hey, monkey!" "Get back on your unicycle, go down to Williams-Sonoma... and buy me new martini pitcher!" "It was just an accident, Kahn." "If that kind of thing bothers you... you shouldn't have bought a house on a golf course." "I must apologize for my neighbors." "They build crude replica of fourth hole at Nine Rivers... because they not good enough to play there like you... and me." "Hitting into this kind of wind, you've got to play the ball back in your stance." "Keep it low." "Then just watch it bite and hold." "Huh." "Not a lot of guys know how to hit a decent knockdown shot." "Just takes practice." "Cigar?" "Oh, don't mind if I...." "Oh, you probably didn't realize it, but this is Cuban." "I'll just go ahead and destroy it for you." "Good one." "You know, anybody who went to all this trouble to build a replica... really ought to try the real thing." "How would you like to play Nine Rivers tomorrow as my guest?" "Well, that would be...." "Wow!" "I'll get us a 9:00 tee time." "And bring a friend." "Oh, Kahn, I almost forgot." "Bye." "Well, this evening wasn't a complete waste." "Looks like Nine Rivers has finally found its white guy." "I think you got the best one of the lot, too." "Yes." "There's no two ways about it." "He's super white!" "If I'm gonna play a fancy-smancy club like Nine Rivers..." "I'd better go sew a pom-pom to the top of my hat." "I've never golfed with a caddie before." "I'm gonna treat him like crap." "Now, hold on." "That Wassanasong fellow said I could bring a friend." "I'm sure of it." "He enunciates very clearly." "Bill's out!" "No, I'm okay." "I can still play!" "I haven't decided who I'm taking yet." "Frankly, I'm leaning towards Boomhauer." "But Boomhauer has a bad shoulder." "Knock it off." "Now, I'm thinking of a number." "DALE:" "Three." "HANK:" "Yes." "Wingo." "He always picks three." "Except when he picks five." "Here are your clubs, sir." "So beautiful." "So goddang beautiful." "[Car honking]" "Sorry, Hank." "I'm not gonna be able to golf with you today as..." "I have to go to the bank and make an unexpected deposit." "Howdy, neighbor." "Need a fourth?" "Kahn?" "Hey, I thought I said to bring a friend." "What happened to the two skinny guys or the fat one?" "Hank prefers my company." "And who can blame him?" "Yes." "Well, Hank, I'll show you to the locker room... so you can change into your clothes." "Uh, these are my clothes." "Oh, I'm sorry." "It's my fault." "I should have told you about our dress code." "No denim nor T-shirts." "Ted is powerful man." "But he cannot change club policy." "You put him in very awkward position." "I think you should go." "Nonsense." "Let's get you fixed up at the pro shop, Hank." "My treat." "Hank, I want you to meet the chairman of our membership committee, Mr. Ho." "He'll be our fourth." "What are they saying?" "How should I know?" "They're speaking Chinese." "I look Chinese to you?" "Mr. Ho says, ""Let's do it, Hank." "Let's play some golf.""" "Don't be nervous." "The first shot only sets tone for entire day." "Super nice." "Looks like this guy's a golfer." "Here it is, Hank." "Number four." "The signature hole." "Pinch me, Mr. Ho." "Hillbilly!" "God dang it!" "Dang." "Damn it, Kahn!" "Do you want to join Nine Rivers?" "Oh, Ted, thank you, yes!" "Well, you can forget it unless you make Mr. Ho see... that Hank would be the perfect Nine Rivers member." "What?" "Why are you so interested in that chicken-fried loser?" "If we don't attract at least one non-Asian member... the PGA is going to pull the tournament from Nine Rivers." "You deliver me Hank, and I'll put you up for junior membership." "You will offer me full membership." "Associate membership." "Full membership!" "Done." "Hole-in-one!" "Hole-in-one!" "That was my second shot and it didn't even go in." "Look at this guy." "A perfect swing, a sense of humor... and that magnificent head of hair." "Some poor sap is walking around with nothing because this guy has it all." "I hate Hank." "Leaving us to play with his fancy new friends on his fancy-ass golf course." "Oh, God, I hope he comes back." "I love Hank." "He abandoned you, Bill." "Quit being such a doormat." "Pathetic." "It was awfully nice of you to drive your cart down to the 7-Eleven... to get my brand, Kahn." "I'll make sure we stock Alamo here from now on, Hank." "That's the level of service Nine Rivers offers its members." "I guess that's my clumsy way of saying I hope you'll be one." "Whoa!" "Well, I'm flattered." "But I could never afford" "Oh, no." "It's surprisingly affordable." "Especially for new members." "What do you pay for greens fees at the public course?" "$1 1." "Our rates are competitive with that." "Well, no offense, but isn't Nine Rivers an all-Oriental club?" "All-Asian?" "No." "At least not by design." "You see, this club was founded... by an immigrant Vietnamese hot-sauce tycoon... after he was excluded from all the other clubs in Heimlich County." "The first members were his friends, who also happened to be Asian." "And then their friends joined, also Asian." "And so on." "It's kind of like Arlen Lanes." "Their Tuesday night league's nothing but locksmiths." "Still, I don't really know anyone here." "Oh, but you will." "Hank, everyone at Nine Rivers come from different places." "Laos, China, Vietnam, Cambodia..." "Singapore, Malaysia, Thailand, South Korea." "But we all have one thing in common." "Our love of golf." "Join us, brother." "Think about it, Hank." "Talk it over with your wife, Peggy, and son Bobby, age 13." "Black car!" "Oh, it's just a hearse." "Nine Rivers Club car is Continental with spoked wheels and a landau roof." "If we're voted in, Mr. Ho will pull up... present membership card, parking decals, official windbreaker...." "Please, Hank Hill, say yes!" "ls that a Continental?" "Yes." "Yes." "We're in!" "You joined an all-Asian country club?" "Peggy, Nine Rivers isn't about whether you're Asian or not." "It's about golf and friendship." "You'll see what I mean tonight." "There's a big banquet to welcome the PGA." "Boy, I hope they have forks." "All right, Hank... what I'm about to say is not politically correct, but here goes." "This whole thing seems odd." "Hank Hill, so nice to see you." "Hank, how's my favorite new member?" "Wow!" "Forgive me for saying this, Peggy Hill, but you are super hot." "You are forgiven." "If I had a daughter, here is where she would marry your son." "Hey, Hank Hill." "I save you seat at new-member table." "Hold on, Hank." "There are some people from the PGA I'd like you to meet." "You know, Ted, I'm a member of the PGA myself." "The ""Propane Gas Association.""" "Because I sell propane and propane accessories." "Oh, Hank, you are out of control." "I don't really know anybody up there." "Nonsense." "You know Mr. Ho." "And this is the founder of our club..." "Mr." "Tranh." "The hot-sauce guy?" "You look much younger on the label." "Ah, there's a rooster on the label." "Peggy is just joking." "You'll find the Hills have a wicked sense of humor." "And these gentlemen are from the PGA." "This is Hank Hill, one of our most respected members." "Howdy." "I must say, Hank, you seem very down-to-earth for a man of your wealth." "Well, enjoy dinner." "Aren't you sitting here?" "No, the dais is reserved for honored guests and new members." "But Kahn and Minh are new." "Hank, I'm not sure, but I think we are gods to them." "Good eveiiig, Before we get started, wait staff, table 28 ieeds a bottle ofhot sauce," "Now, I hope every member has writtei their lame oi a raffle ticket," "Toiight we ha ve a very special prize," "A practice rouid of golf with the greatest Asiai player ii the history of the game," "Tiger Woods," "Aid the wiiier is, Oh, my goodiess, Haik Hill!" "There it is, Haik Hill," "You won!" "Golf with Tiger Woods!" "Coigratulatiois, Haik Hill," "But the real wiiier here is Tiger," "I hear Haik got a hole-ii-oie the other day," "If you wait to take your picture with Haik, he 'll be ii the lobby later," "The liie starts with me," "T ed, you fixed the raffle." "I could go to jail for this." "Oh, that." "That's just a club tradition." "The new member always wins." "Then why didn't Kahn win?" "He's a new member." "Why didn't Kahn sit at the head table?" "Why did I get prime rib and everyone else got eggplant?" "Everything okay, Ted?" "Great." "Everything's fine." "Then explain this." "Look, the PGA was going to cancel the tournament here... because we didn't have any non-Asian members." "We told them Fred Chung was from Hawaii." "But they said that wouldn't cut it." "So you only like me because of the color of my skin?" "It wasn't my swing or my sense of humor?" "Hank, it's not like you're not getting anything out of this." "You got the hat, the slacks, a round with Tiger Woods..." "and a $40,000 membership." "$40,000?" "You said it was $1 1." "Hank, I will admit I first asked you to join because you are white." "Now I'm asking you to stay because you are you." "My friend." "Can I ask you one more question?" "What and what accessories do I sell for a living?" "Tractors?" "To be fair, you used to sell tractors." "Yeah, but Ted didn't know that." "And even though Nine Rivers had... the most perfectly groomed zoysia grass I've ever seen... there was something it didn't have." "You guys." "And perfectly groomed kakuya grass... which grows more upright and gives a cleaner cut." "What the...." "I knew I left my beer in a hole somewhere." "[Kahn screaming]" "Hank Hill!" "What you do?" "Have I not suffered enough in this life as your neighbor?" "Now that you quit, they take away my membership." "Well, I'm sorry, Kahn, but I could not stay there." "I just didn't feel comfortable." "That's why I left Jeans West, that's why I don't bowl on Tuesday nights, and...." "Forget it." "You wouldn't understand." "Oh, yeah." "You right." "I always feel comfortable everywhere I go." "You know, my original name is Smith." "I just changed it to Souphanousinphone when I moved to Texas." "Just relax." "Breathe in the tranquility." "Breathe out the frustration." "You're in a better place than Nine Rivers." "There is no place better than Nine Rivers." "Oh, this is it?" "This is the rest of our lives?" "Maybe I divorce you and marry someone who's already a member." "Oh, Kahn." "[Knocking on door]" "Fine." "You can play through." "No, Kahn." "We just came over to give you something." "Please!" "Not in the face." "Dues are a six-pack every 18 holes." "What do you say?" "I accept your offer." "And as new member, I move we kick Dauterive out." "Seriously." "You're on the bubble." "HANK:" "Piich me, Mr, Ho,"