"Hi, I'm Jason Seaver." "I'm a psychiatrist." "I've spent the last 15 years helping people with their problems." "And I'm Maggie Seaver." "I've spent the last 15 years helping our kids... with problems even Jason wouldn't believe." "Now Maggie has gone back to work as a reporter for the local newspaper." "And Jason has moved his practice into the house... so he could be there for the kids." " They're great kids." " Most of the time." "And the rest of the time..." " You'll love them anyway." " Yeah." "Unbelievable." "All right, lady, drop that spatula or you're scrambled." "Go ahead." "Make my day." "Well..." "I guess I showed you." "Show me more." "Jason, the kids." "I can kiss the kids later." "You know, I read an article that said that two-career couples... should really make special effort to always remain... frisky." "At breakfast?" "At all meals." "What's the matter, you guys aren't getting enough?" "Mike, a lot of kids would get smacked for a remark like that." "Come on, Dad, you can't hit me." "You're a liberal humanist." "Could be an accident." "It could be a dream come true." "Mom, can't we sell Carol and get a tape deck for the Volvo?" "Mike, you give new meaning to the word "vacuous."" "Oh, yeah?" "What was the old meaning?" "I rest my case." "Ben." "Ben." "What's so funny, Ben?" "That Phyllis George!" "She screwed up again!" "Honey, what's that you're reading about?" "It says here that as the universe expands... all matter is slowly degenerating into a state of total disorganization." "Thank God." "I thought it was just me." "Yeah, so, what are you guys doing tonight?" "The House of Sweat?" "Yeah, great!" "Hey, look, can I talk to you guys later?" "Yeah." "Bye." "Mike, what is "The House of Sweat"?" "Well..." "It's, you know..." "It's that new under-20 dance club on Jericho Turnpike." "Yeah, and it sounds like a great idea, Mom." "It's a safe, wholesome place for teens to congregate." "And the larger the group, the smaller their brains get." "Come on, Maggie..." "Yeah, come on, Maggie." "Yes." "Well, time to go wait for that school bus." "You know, if I hurry, I can still get a seat in the non-smoking section." " Bye, sweetie." " Bye, Mom." "Bye, Ben." "I love you." "Later, Ben." "I still have some paperwork to do before my 9:00 gets here." "And if you start feeling frisky and you have eight or 10 seconds before work... you know where to find me." "Ben, what are you doing here?" "You'll miss the bus." "What's the matter, honey?" "Dad didn't know how to do my elbow." "Let me see." "Dad did a great job on this cut." "Superman Band-Aids, the works." "I get it." "He didn't kiss it." "And say, "I love you, little pumpkin head."" "It was all so clinical." "Mom, how come you had to go back to work?" "I didn't have to, Ben." "I wanted to." "Come here." "Ben, imagine you had to spend... 15 years in this house without ever going out to play." "You'd go crazy, wouldn't you?" "Well, believe it or not, a lot of grown-ups feel the same way about work." "That's sick, Mom." "Ben, I know this has been a big change for all of us." "And I worry about not being here for you, because, well, you're the youngest." "And I worry about not being here for Carol... because she's a girl and she needs her mother." "And I worry about not being here for Mike... to keep him from accidentally blowing something up." "And, believe me, I worry about leaving your father here... to cope with all you monsters." "You shouldn't worry so much, Mom." "You'll make yourself crazy." "I love you, little pumpkin head." "It's always the same dream, Doc." "I'm on a subway and this woman sits across from me." "This beautiful woman." "And I look at her." "She looks at me." "I lick my lips." "She licks her lips." "This goes on." "Then, finally, she leans across, and she whispers to me:" ""You have huge knees."" "Does that mean anything, Doc?" "That should be good for about $5 apiece." "Good visit, Walter." "And don't worry too much about this thing." "Okay?" "See you next week." "Bye-bye." " Could I talk to you for a second, Dad?" " Sure." " In your office." " Sure." " Kids." " Me?" "Yeah." "So you wanted to talk about something?" "Yeah." "Mostly I just wanted to mention how smoothly things have been running... since the wife went back to work and you moved your practice into the house." "Well, thank you." "Dad, we've been friends now for a long time, right?" "Off and on, yeah." ""Off and on." I love that." "See, Dad, you know that dance hall place that I mentioned this morning?" "The House of Sweat?" "Yeah." "Jerry and I were talking and we decided..." "Jerry?" "Yeah, Jerry Dellish." "He's an older friend of mine." "Excellent driver... with two years of driver's ed." "Two years of driver's ed?" "Yeah." "See, in his first class he ran over a dog." "But he drove beautifully after that." "We're talking about one tiny, reckless little dog here, Dad." " Tough break." " Yeah." "So, anyway, I was thinking that maybe we could go down there tonight." "Jerry would drive so you wouldn't have to do..." "What would your mother say?" "Mom?" "I guess she would say..." "What's the phrase I'm looking for here, Dad?" " "No"?" " Yeah, that's it." "I guess that means I can't go, right?" "Well, it just means I don't like you coming in here... and trying to get away with something." "That's not the relationship I want to have with you." "I'm sorry, Dad." "All right, now, look." "Now that I'm in charge at home, we can try things my way." "All right!" "You don't even know what my way is." "Sure I do, Dad." "It's a Sinatra song." "You're walking a fine line here, Mike." "Okay, look, here's the deal." "I'll give you a little more freedom." "You've got to promise me a lot more responsibility." "Hey, no problem, Dad." "I swear, I am ready for total responsibility." "Mike, I'm not ready for total responsibility." "You're right." "Sorry." "Okay." "You go out and have a good time." "Just remember what we talked about." "Absolutely, Dad!" "Thanks, I promise." "Wait." "What about Mom?" "What if she's mad?" "Mike, your mom's not an ogre." "I'll talk to her." "She'll understand." "You let him do what?" "Maggie, he's 15 years old now." "So he's 15." "It's completely arbitrary... to just pick an age like that and say that's when a kid is mature." "You know, by the time Mozart was 15, he'd written seven symphonies." "That's because Mozart's father didn't let him go to The House of Sweat." "Who did he go with?" "I don't know, some kid." "Jerry Dillish, Dellish." "Jerry "Dog-Killer" Dellish?" "Maggie, he hit one dog." "Yeah, but he hit it four times." "Okay, well..." "Mike isn't Jerry." "And a kid needs some freedom in order to learn responsibility." "Jason, I know you believe in this "unlimited human potential"... stuff." "And that's great for your patients." " But when it comes..." " To our own children I believe in original..." " Sin." "Sin." "I don't know." "Maybe I shouldn't have gone back to work." "Now, come on, Maggie, don't say that." "You took 15 years off to raise a family, and you deserve to go back to work now." "You just have to have a little more faith in me and the kids." "Maybe you're right." "Of course I'm right." "We shouldn't be worrying, we should be celebrating... which is why I've taken the liberty of placing some chilled champagne... in a little bucket beside the bed." "Slipped some satin sheets on the old bouncer." "Satin sheets?" "You?" "Yeah." "The guy in the store showed me some "before" and "after" pictures... of a couple who tried them." "They looked very satisfied." "What about Ben and Carol?" "Well, I slipped some sleeping pills into their Gatorade." "They'll be asleep for about three weeks." "Jason!" "Well, I didn't really." "But they are..." "And we can..." "Hello?" "Yeah, this is Jason Seaver." "No, you must be looking for someone else." "Take your clothes off." "No, our Mike is only 15, so he wouldn't be driving a car." "I see." "What did he say?" "He said, "That's why your Mike is in our jail."" "What are you in for, kid?" "I..." "I killed a man just to watch him die." "You?" "Unpaid parking tickets." "Oh, no, it's my mom!" "Come on, Maggie, we don't even know the facts yet." "I mean, it's not so unusual for a teenage boy... to have a minor run-in with the police." "Some of these guys can be real macho head-bangers." "Hiya, you folks care for some hot cocoa?" "I just made a fresh pot." "Look, we're the Seavers." "You've locked up our son." "An officer claimed he was driving a car." "Yes, sir." "We picked him up in The House of Sweat parking lot." "He'd been driving in circles for approximately 12 minutes." "Okay, so a 15-year-old boy drives his friend's car around the lot a few times." "Did I mention he sideswiped a police car on the way out?" "He what?" "He tore that bumper off like he was peeling an orange." "A $350 orange." "Hiya, Dad, Mom." "You look good tonight." "You look young." "Come on, son." "Mom, Dad, this is Jerry." "I guess it's kind of hard to see the basis of our friendship, huh?" "I don't know." "He has a certain carefree charm." "You should see him when he's sober." "Mike, you will be grounded for two months." "Two months?" " Dad, can't you talk to her?" " Oh, I did, Mike." "Originally, it was one month." "Dad, that means you added a month." "Nothing gets by you, does it?" "Dad, you said you'd talk to her..." "Damn it, Mike, you said you could act responsibly!" "Now I don't want to hear another word out of you!" "Is that clear?" " Whoa." " Whoa." "Oh, yeah, our romantic evening." "Anyone who's not used to satin sheets could easily have an accident..." "Maggie, don't patronize me." "Okay?" "And where the hell are my pajamas?" "Gee, I'm sorry." "I'm really not sure." "You wouldn't think it'd be so damn tough to keep tabs... on a pair of pajamas around here." "Jason, I don't understand why you're so upset." "I mean, it's not like this is the first time he's screwed up." "Who screwed up?" "Mike." "Who said anything about Mike?" "I'm upset because I can't find my pajamas." "I mean, if you just left a pair of pajamas around... and these are big pajamas I'm talking about..." "And to think that they just vanished into thin air..." "Well, wouldn't you be pretty upset?" "Absolutely." "In fact, I'm amazed at the way you're holding together." "What?" "I've never seen Dad actually too mad to talk." "Thanks for your support." "You know, I feel like a new man now." "I'm sorry." "Look, it's not so bad." "I bet, in a year, he'll look back at this whole thing and laugh." "Okay, maybe chuckle." "Okay, I admit it." "I'm upset with Mike." "Oh?" "Aren't you?" "Absolutely." "I'm furious." "But no more furious than I've been at him a dozen other times before." "I mean, he's a kid, Jason." "What did you expect?" "Yeah, but he sat not 3 feet away from me and he said:" ""Dad, I swear it, I'm ready for total responsibility."" "Jason, you are not ready for total responsibility." "I mean, face it, the boy is 15." "He's a hormone with feet." "I know, but someday that hormone will be a man." "And I want that man to have a sense of responsibility." "Go talk to him." "You won't sleep if you don't." "Don't worry." "I'll continue the search for the pajamas." "What?" "You were asleep." "I was?" "I was." "And it was a dream." "You're still angry?" "Hey, Dad, I know this is no excuse, but Jerry's car handles really badly." "And I was the one who decided Jerry was too drunk to drive." "Mike, he was unconscious." "I know." "What are you doing with a kid who drinks like that?" "I should've called you." "Why didn't you?" "Well, Dad, there was these girls there..." "Of course." "Wouldn't want them to think you had parents." "Mike, what kind of a relationship are we going to have if I can't trust you?" "I don't know." "I guess I'm just a jerk." "Maybe you shouldn't trust me." "That's certainly one way to go." "That's the way my father went with me." "I guess I hoped that when I had a son it would be different." "I know, Dad." "Mike, you probably don't remember this, but... when you were 3 weeks old..." "I took you to the Mets home opener." "Cradled you in my arms." "Up comes Donn Clendenon." "Hits a shot off the left-field scoreboard to win it in the 12th." "I hugged you real tight... jumping up and down." "And you... you threw up in your complimentary Mets batting helmet." "I'm sorry, Dad." "It was my fault." "I never should've let you suck that beer off my finger." "No, Dad, I meant about tonight." "I'm sorry." "Well, thank you." "You know, Dad, I try." "I really try." "But sometimes... almost without warning, I just find myself doing something really stupid." "Sort of an uncontrollable impulse?" "Yeah." "Or is it more like you think you're doing something really stupid... and then you weigh your chances of getting away with it... and if they're better than 10%, you go for it." "Yeah!" "That's why you're grounded for two months." "Yeah." "Well, if it makes you feel any better, I did some pretty lame-o things in my day." " You?" " Yeah." "Like what?" "Like I remember when I was 16... me and some buddies, we drove around town one night... mooning everybody." "We even mooned the mayor's wife." "You, Dad?" "Yeah, we got arrested for indecent exposure." "Had to let us off though." "Mayor's wife refused to make an identification." " You, Dad?" " Will you stop saying that?" "Does Mom know about this?" "Are you kidding?" "How do you think we met?" "All right, Dad." "Hey, Dad, do you ever get the urge to do dumb stuff now?" "No, I don't, Mike." "I think that's what being an adult is all about." "Oh." "Well, all right." "Good night, Dad." "Good night, son." "Hey." "Come back in here for a sec." "English"