"(moaning) Yes!" "Harder!" "(both panting)" "(loud grunting)" "I am disgusting!" " I'm fucking disgusting!" " No, no, no." "Don't do that, Marnie." "Don't do that to yourself." "No, no, no." "I'm worse than my father." " I'm a fucking monster." " Hey... if you don't believe in your own goodness, you can't expect anybody else to, you know?" "Do you?" "Do you believe in my goodness?" " You came?" " Yeah." " I didn't come." "I'm still hard." " Oh, okay." "I'm sorry." "(Desi moans)" "I don't feel... as though..." "I'm going to." "I don't feel, either, that you are going to." "(groans)" "So, Marnie's been fucking Desi for a full two weeks." "Ray has no idea and thinks he's just in a regular in-love couple." "And Marnie says that Desi cries every time they say hello or goodbye to each other, and now she and Desi are seriously considering trying anal." "He's not getting anything up Marnie's ass." " The whole thing is just so intense." " For who?" "By the way, me telling you this does not make me a bad secret-keeper." "Okay?" "You and I have a sacred bond, like that of husband and wife, where you can say anything in a sacred space." "I'm a great secret-keeper." "Well, A, no, you're not." "And, B, I would never," " ever tell this secret." " _" " Yeah." " I've already forgotten it." "It's so boring and it has nothing to do with me," " so why would I care?" " Absolutely." "Oh, please remember to pack bug spray." "I don't want to have to put calamine lotion on your tender bits again." "Already rubbed it in every crack." " Good girl!" "Oh!" " Full-scale adult." "I just can't believe Marnie roped me into this." "You think I have time, with my burgeoning career, to go to Poughkeepsie to support her, like, sick little tryst?" "Ugh, yeah, 'cause nothing says, "Let's get this romance back on track"" " like Poughkeepsie." " (groans)" "Just tell her you don't want to go." "I can't tell her I don't want to go." "I'm already a part of her lie." "Hey, you're a part of her lie whether you go or not." "Yeah, but how am I gonna look into the eye of my friend Ray and say, "Oh, upstate was great,"" "when really I was just in this apartment, eating Flamin' Hot Cheetos, working on my article about Staten Island's last remaining sex cult." "Ugh, which I am so excited about." "I'm so proud of you really cracking that case." "Thank you." "It's such a beautiful facility that they live in, and all you have to do is sign over... everything you've ever owned." "What are you gonna do while I'm gone?" "Actually, I have to hang out with Shoshanna tonight." "You're gonna hang out with Shoshanna alone?" "I know, it's so strange, but she called me and she was like," ""I have to go to this 'Women in Business' mixer and I'm so terrified because I'm so socially awkward and I seem like a crazy person, and maybe I have an Adderall addiction and you please have to help me and I'm so hungry." "And please help me." "Please!" "Please!" And I was like, "Stop talking!" " Yeah." " Where'd you get this number?" "I'll go with you if you shut up." "Let's make sure there's an open bar and hopefully the woman who invented Spanx will be there because I have a lot to thank her for."" "(playing over radio) ♪ I was a free man in Paris... ♪" " Oh, come on." " ♪ I felt unfettered and alive ♪" "♪ Nobody was calling me up... ♪" " Hi!" " (car turns off)" "Desi:" "Please, Bella, join us." "Where the fuck do you even get a car like this?" "I know, right?" "My boy Alessio restores 'em." "Of course you have a boy named Alessio." "Desi:" "You know Alessio." " Hi!" " Hi." " (engine starts) - (music resumes)" " All right!" " Whoo!" "Road trips and skinny-dips!" "America!" "(Desi and Marnie laughing)" " Three, two, one..." " Okay, you don't..." " go." " Hi, Grandma!" " Hi, Grandma!" " Hi!" "Um... happy birthday!" "Ninety-seven... that is a... big one, and, um, you really did it." "You're still under 100 pounds, so... kudos!" "Um, and I, um..." "I hope there's no elder abuse at the, um... at the home that you're in, and, um, I hope that you're using protection for the sex." "Anyway, we miss you." "I love you." " We love you!" " Um, and bye!" "Happy birthday!" "That was great!" "That was good." "Um, I don't think I'm going to send that." "That was, um... super depressing and totally inappropriate." "Yeah, um, actually, speaking of which, I need to go." " Oh." " Um, it's my first week at a new job and this wasn't a super convenient time for me, so." "Right!" "Oh, yeah, your job." "Your, um... you work in a market, right?" "Marketing." "I work in marketing." " That's what I said." " So different." "I'm a junior associate at Silver Horn, New York's hippest branding agency." " Mm." " So, I have a real schedule now." "So I'm happy to share my, um, Google Cal with you if you want to make actual plans." "And what are you doing?" "Tonight?" "Um, yeah, I..." "I have plans." "Oh." "With... with Elijah." "I have plans..." "we're just... we're going to a thing." "Okay, what kind of a thing?" "Um... just a thing." "It's, uh, just a thing" " Mm-hm." " for, uh, professional women." " Um, it's a networking thingy," " Mm." "and it's totally not your crowd." "You would really, um, hate it." "Not my crowd?" " Mm-hmm." " Professional women are my exact crowd." "Just tell me the address and whether I should wear shoulder pads or not." "It feels so great to be on the town with my girls." "I'm not your girl, okay?" "Okay, with my women." "With my women." "I stand corrected." "Hannah, if you were gonna be such a bitch, why did you even come?" "Oh, I don't know, 'cause I was trying to protect you and your house of lies, you fucking morons." " Fuck!" "God damn it!" " (Woman chuckiling) Oh, just leave it." "Just leave it." "It's fine." "I need to reorganize that anyway." "Just kick 'em aside." "It's fine." "I'll..." "I'll get to it later." "Wow." "I have never felt such an intense need to just, like, Instagram a stranger." "(Sighs) I get that a lot." "You know, no one's expecting all of this in all of this." " No, they don't." " _" "Um, look, I'm gonna be in the back if you have any questions." "Look around and explore." "Um, I do have one question, which is, um, why are you not, like, a model in Dubai?" "You could be making, like, $10 million a year." "Well, um... do you want the short version or the hero's journey?" "I think the short version." "The short version's fine." "Well, I was working in the city," " in fashion..." " Mm-hmm." "living in a matchbook-sized" " flat in Queens." " I feel ya." "I had blinding migraines three times a week." "I couldn't even afford new undergarments." "Finally, one day, I fainted." "Fell right onto the tracks." "Unconscious, possibly dead." "When I woke up... (laughs) Chris Noth fished me out." "Like "Law  Order" 's own Chris Noth?" "Hmm!" "I hit the third rail." "I'm the first person to survive the third rail." " Isn't that crazy?" " The third rail?" " That's, like, a lot of volts." " Yeah." "But I totally believe you." "I'm just..." "No, it's... it's... it's real." "So, I was like, "Thank you, Chris Noth, for fishing me out and saving my life." "I'm getting the fuck out of here forever." The end." "That's my story." "And you live here now?" "Mm-hmm." "Are you happier, or...?" "How could I not be?" "I'm living my truth." "Right?" "(Desi, outside) Don't be like that!" "How much is that tea set in the window?" "It's so beautiful." "Mm." "For you?" "Free." "What?" "Thanks to my accident," "I'm quite the psychic, and I can tell when a woman needs a new tea set." "In fact, I can tell when her life depends on it." "This is all getting, like, very "Teen Witchy."" "Like when she goes into that store and gets the amulet, it..." "I don't know how I'll ever thank you." "Like... it's so amazing." "I'm gonna have to learn to boil water now." "That'll help." "By the way, that's my best friend." "She's, like, stuck in this, like, psychosexual hamster wheel with this total fuck nugget, so..." " What... what... what is going on?" " _" "You were looking at the girl in the yogurt place." " I saw." "You were staring at her!" " But she looked unwell!" " Are you serious?" " I was concerned about her." " I was really worried." " Oh, my God, you're so impassioned." " I was really scared." " I know, I know, I know." "Oh, stop it!" "Not that in public!" "Stop it!" "(music playing on radio)" "♪ Karma police ♪" "♪ Arrest this girl ♪" "♪ Her Hitler hairdo ♪" "♪ Is making me feel ill ♪" "♪ And we have crashed her party ♪" "♪ This is what you'll get... ♪" "(car turns off)" "(Desi whispering) Hello, darkness, my old friend." " Hannah:" "Oh, let's..." " Desi:" "You look good." "see what's going on in here." "(Desi hooting)" "Okays, you can cool that down." " (door closes)" " Desi:" "Ho, ho, ho." "All right." "Oh, my, oh, my." "I'll tell you, ladies, cozy does not even begin to describe this hinoki masterpiece." "You know what?" "I'm gonna be writing if you need me, which I hope you do not." "Hannah, how many capiz shells you think are in this chando?" "There's gotta be like 250, 300." "Hey, what's going on?" "I have feelings, you know." "I feel guilty about Ray." "Yeah, me, too." "Me, too." "But, you know, we're all just trying to do what we can to live." " Know what I mean?" " Yeah." "Come here." "(music playing)" "Okay, I'm kind of freaking out." "I mean, like, the hosts are Rachel and Zeva." "Who are they again?" "They were my best friends freshman and sophomore year until I made the fatal mistake of deciding to push them aside for Jessa when she came home, 'cause for some reason I thought that her friends were, like," "the apex of maturity, which is ridiculous, and I recognize that now." "And now Rachel and Zeva own Jamba Jeans." " Oh, Jamba Jeans." " I know." "We can't all be perfect, okay?" "Everyone has their own path." " (elevator dings)" " We can't all be Justin Trudeau." "Wait, you mean Justin Theroux, right?" "♪ You said remember that life is ♪" "♪ Not meant to be wasted ♪" "♪ We can always be chasing the sun ♪" " ♪ So fill up your lungs... ♪ - _" " What the fuck?" " Just, can you, please?" "Just please." "I literally have nothing else." "So, this is it?" "New York's best and brightest "WEMUN"?" " Whole lot of pleather, considering." " It's "women."" " Where's my name tag?" "(chortles)" " Ugh!" "No." " I was really..." " Ooh, Jana. (chuckling)" " hoping that you had fallen asleep." " Can I be Jana Daniels?" "Hey, ladies." "Sorry to interrupt what is surely a maelstrom of fascinating conversation." " (music fades)" " I'm Rachel DeTapley." "And I'm Zeva Carondelet." "We're the co-CEOs and creative directors of Jamba Jeans." "And now we've founded WEMUN:" ""Women Entrepreneurs Meet Up Now."" "Honestly, we just wanted to give back to the community" " of New York female entrepreneurs" " Mm." "and give you amazing businesswomen a chance to connect and talk about how to synergize and mobilize." "Zeva:" "We're all strong, like-minded women, so let's crack open our brains and really get into it." "Yes." "Whether it's how to rock a romper at a work event, or who you should be voting for, a WEMUN woman is the person to ask." "Also, for those of you asking on our Facebook if the group is open to trans women, the answer is: we don't know, okay?" "So, go forth and mingle and make connections that will catapult you to the next level." " Cheers!" " Cheers!" "(music resumes)" "Whoo!" "Zeva:" "It's like Beyoncé up in here." "Uh, Rachel, Zeva, hi!" "Shoshanna!" "Seriously, this is too much." " We haven't seen you in an eternity." " An eternity." "I know, an eternity." "Totes." "Um, this is my, uh, executive assistant, Elijah." "At your service." " Hi." " Hey." "Um, and th-this is my c-cousin, Jessa." "Yeah, no, we remember." "Hi." "Jessa:" "I love your, um... your party." "Ah, the best pigs-in-blankets in the tri-state area." "Did you try them?" "Amazing." "Thanks." "It's sort of doubling as a celebration." "It's the" " two-year anniversary of our business." " Right." "Rachel:" "I can't believe it's been two years." " I know." "I know." " I worship us." "Both:" "Clink." "Jamba Jeans." "Seriously, amazing." "Amazing." "You guys literally cracked open the market on athletic denim, and I am..." "I'm just so happy for you." "Oh, thanks so much." "Honestly, it's been such a wild ride." "We're expanding into T-shirts right now," " and it's such a mindfuck to be moving" " Zeva:" "Mm." " beyond denim." " Zeva:" "Yeah." "So, what are you doing right now?" "I just started a job in branding at Silver Horn." " Oh." "Hell, yes." " Oh, amazing." "With Mathias and Marina?" " Yeah." "Love them." " Zeva:" "Love them." "They're total visionaries, floor to ceiling." "Like, basically, they do nothing and achieve everything, and I'm all about that." "Rachel:" "And their Snapchat stories are, like, super avant-garde." "Shoshanna:" "Oh, my God, totes." "I have been pitching them all the snaps, and they've been like, "Let's chat that." And I'm like, "Yeah."" " Zeva:" "Oh." " Rachel:" "That's great." " (mouthing words)" " Shoshanna:" "Yeah, but it's been a great place to work so far, and I'm really loving it." "I feel very lucky, but I'm definitely looking to be self-employed in the next, like, 16-20 months." "(acoustic guitar playing)" "_" "_" "(music continues)" "Des." "Desi, what are these?" "Marnie, that is my private briefcase." "Come on." "How dare you?" "Briefcase?" "All that's in here is a jar of pills and a loose pencil." "What the fuck are these?" "Mm... those are my mints." "Just... whatever." "Put 'em back." "These are mints?" "They're..." "They're just some mints, okay?" "Just..." "let's put 'em back." "Oh, so you just collect mints from places and keep them in a mason jar." "Actually, no, Marnie." "They're Oxy." "Is that what you want to hear?" "Is that what you wanna hear?" "They're Oxy-fucking-Contin." "And I've been on them for a fucking year!" "And I'm addicted to them, so please put my fucking OxyContin in my jar, back in my private fucking briefcase." "Okay, Marnie?" " Wait, are you fucking serious?" " Oh, yeah." "You've been taking it for a year?" "Oh, yeah!" "You were high at our wedding." "I thought you seemed sleepy and itchy." "You were fucking high at our wedding!" "Oh, fuck, yeah!" "Put 'em back!" " No!" " (glass shatters)" " Oh, my fucking God!" " No!" " You are not getting them!" " Oh, my God!" "I'm stomping them out!" "You are not gonna get 'em." " Fucking bitch!" "No, no, no, no, no." " I'm gonna stomp them out!" " Let me..." "Stop!" "Stop!" "Stop!" " I'm stomping them out!" " Stop!" "Ow!" "Fuck!" " You are not gonna get these!" " You are not..." "Don't you dare!" "What?" "!" " Stop, you motherfuck... (snorting)" "What the fuck?" "You are the sick junkie..." " Marnie:" "Fuck!" " (bones crunch) Ow!" "God!" "Fucking hurt!" "Jesus!" "Yeah, I am sick!" "I'm fucked up!" "I'm fucking sick!" "But you're fucking demented." "Who doesn't know that their husband's on 20 fucking Oxy a day?" "Twenty Oxy a day and you abandoned me!" "My whole life is a cry for help!" " I fucking hate this fucking...!" "Yeah," " No!" "Get out!" " no, I'm not doing this right now." " Get out!" " Hannah, come help!" "Get out!" " I'm not doing this." "No way, Marn." " Just stop this." " Hannah, you dumb slut," " get down here!" " Desi:" "Yeah, so Hannah," " everything is fine!" " Marnie:" "It's not fine!" "Just be quiet." "Marnie...?" "Marnie:" "Fuck, Hannah!" " Hannah, go back upstairs." " Oh, my God, stop it!" " Go back upst...!" " Stop it!" " Get out of here." "Get out..." " You're grabbing her too much." " Just horsing around." "No, no, no, no." " We're gonna just walk out gently." " You're being very violent and" " No, no, no," " inappropriate!" " I'm not." "I'm all about... hey," " Come on, now." " I'm all about peace." " Okay, but this is not necessary." " Get out of this house." " Ow!" "Okay, Marn..." " Get out of this house." "What is the meaning of this fucking cunt parade?" " Okay." "Yeah." " Okay!" "Why don't you two just" " go fuck each other?" " Yeah." "(door slams)" "Okay!" "Oh!" "Hi, Hannah." " (screams) Marnie!" " Marnie:" "No!" " Marnie!" "Get him out!" " No!" " No!" "No!" "No!" " Hey, Marnie, I'm sorry, baby." " No!" "No!" "No!" "Get out." " No, no, no, it's a misunderstanding." " I'm sorry." "Okay, okay." " Get it out!" "Get it out!" "This is shocking, okay?" "That is not who I thought that person was." " (screaming)" " Bitches and cunts!" " Bitches and cunts!" " No!" " Ow!" " Bitches and cunts!" " Get down!" " Bitches and cunts!" " No!" " Let me in!" " Let me in!" " Marnie:" "Get out!" " Bitches and cunts!" "Cunt!" " Get the fuck away!" "No!" "Ah!" "What the fuck?" "!" "(echoing)" "Shoshanna:" "Seriously, seeing you was like an emotional facelift, so we need to hang out." "Um, who should I give my new digits to?" "Honestly, Shoshanna," "I don't know," " 'cause you really..." " You really hurt us when you bailed." "I mean, canceling on Spring Break," " like, six hours before?" " Rachel:" "It was so rude." "Zeva:" "We ended up having to take that trip to Aruba alone." "And in a way, it was amazing, because that's when Jamba Jeans was born." " Right." " But we had to split that room two ways instead of three ways, and we just felt so rejected and..." " Rachel:" "It was just so rude." " like, awful." " Rachel:" "It hurt so much." " Zeva:" "I..." "However, we just can't trust you to re-enter our lives right now" " 'cause we've got a lot going on." " Zeva:" "Yeah." "But we really do wish you the best, though." "Shoshanna." "Shosh." "Shosh!" "First of all, I can't believe that you ever hung out with those girls." "They're awful." "They're like" "Khloe Kardashian and Bethenny Frankel... if those women weren't amazing and total revolutionaries." "(Whispered) Can you shut up?" "Can we please just get out of here?" "(crying)" "How did I get here?" "Like, this was just supposed to be, like, a fun little jaunt." "You know?" "I don't think you should say "jaunt." That's not a good expression to use." "No, I mean, like, how the fuck did I end up here?" "I'm on a trip with my ex-husband, who I didn't know was a drug addict, which is the second time that's happened to me, by the way." "You are so bad at knowing when people are high." "Do you remember that time I drank sizzurp and you thought I had senioritis?" "(both laugh)" "But seriously, Marnie, it can be pretty hard to have... observations about other people when you're only thinking about yourself." "I would know." "And I'm not judging you, okay?" "I promise." "I'm done with that." "I'm done judging." "I'm done being superior." "I'm done acting like I know anything at all." "None of us know fucking anything." " We don't know shit, do we?" " Nope." " Well, I need to ask you something." " Yeah?" "Do you promise that we'll always be friends?" "You think I'm gonna stop being your friend now?" "After putting up with all this bullshit?" "You've put up with a lot of bullshit, too." " Yeah, I know." " And I'm gonna help you get out of this situation." "We're gonna get out of this bed you made." "All I need is for you to actually look at yourself." "Look around at situations in, like, a real way." "(pounding on door)" "Desi:" "All right, you fucking babies!" "(pounds) Fucking let me in or I'm..." "I'm coming down the goddamn chimney!" "You hear?" "Like fucking Santa Claus!" "You hear me?" "I'm gonna goddamn fuckin' do it." "And I'm gonna spread Santa's shit all over this motherfucking pussy party!" " Can we just give him his pills?" " (loud banging)" " I mean, honestly." " Desi:" "Argh!" "He looks like someone in, like, the Pacific Northwest" " knit a man." " Desi:" "Fucking ladder!" "Jessa:" "Here's what I don't understand." "Why aren't more of these women going into more practical trades, like uh, being a cobbler or a locksmith?" "At some point we need lady road pavers, lady electricians, lady plumbers!" "Can't I just go do one line of coke without you two running off?" "Here, do you want one?" "Wait, you stole an actual plate from the WEMUN mixer?" "Well, congrats, now you're even more of a dick." "I'm a dick?" "Why am I a dick?" "Because I actually came here to try to help our tiny little friend here." "All right?" " Not steal fine china." " Oh yeah." "Or someone else's fucking boyfriend." "Can't believe you just said that." "I did." "Fuck." "Ge..." "You don't even like Adam." "How are you mad at me about Adam?" "You wouldn't even let him drink milk from your fridge." "Well, that's because he has oral herpes." " Oh, no he doesn't." "That is a rumor!" " Yeah." "Elijah:" "Yes, he does." "You just have not been with him long enough to witness one of his outbreaks, so good luck with that, okay?" "Shoshanna, can we just get a cab, please?" "Can we just get cab?" "Where are the cabs?" "You're not coming in our cab." "What the fuck is going on?" "Why are you guys both mad at me about Adam?" "I mean, fucking... you know what?" "Marnie's fucking Ray right now and no one seems to give a shit." "No, no, no." "She's actually fucking Desi right now." " What?" " Ah." "You know what?" "I don't even care." "I don't give a shit about Adam, okay?" "But if you are using Marnie to justify your behavior, then ew!" "Seriously... you ruined my relationship with Rachel and Zeva." "You... you ruined my life!" "I could have been a part of Jamba Jeans." "I could have gone on fancy trips and had people who cared about me," " and instead," " Oh, come on... you convince me to go to Rockaway for the day to get Italian icies, because Vincent Gallo might be there." "Well, you know what?" "Vincent Gallo wasn't fucking there." "And now I'm never gonna see Aruba!" "You didn't even want to go to Aruba." "No one wants to go to Aruba." "Everyone wants to go to Aruba!" "The only reason you want to go to Aruba now is because those girls started, like, a stupid jeans company." "You're being a star-fucker." "Y-you're being worse." "You're being a jeans-fucker." "Get out of my face." "Get out of my face!" "Get out of my face!" "Just because we are related does not mean that you get to be in my face!" "Yeah, get out of her face!" "Grow up!" "Grow up!" "Now I have nothing!" "Who the fuck are you to say "grow up"?" "Huh?" "I'm grown up." "I am a grown-up." "I am a fucking grown-up!" "Who is she to fucking say that to me?" "I am so bored!" "(music playing)" "♪ The way I see it ♪" "♪ He said you just can't win it ♪" "♪ Everybody's in it for their own gain ♪" "♪ You can't please 'em all ♪" "♪ There's always somebody calling you down ♪" "♪ I do my best and I do good business ♪" "♪ There's a lot of people asking for my time ♪" "♪ They're trying to get ahead ♪" "♪ They're trying to be a good friend of mine ♪" "♪ I was a free man in Paris ♪" "♪ I felt unfettered and alive ♪" "♪ There was nobody calling me up for favors ♪" "♪ And no one's future to decide ♪" "♪ You know I'd go back there tomorrow ♪" "♪ But for the work I've taken on ♪" "♪ Stoking the star-maker machinery ♪" "♪ Behind the popular song ♪" "(engine starts)" "I think we've all been down a time or two, you know." " Not knowing where..." " Will you stop talking" " right fucking now?" " Please shut the fuck up!" "Thank you." "Okay, you guys." "♪ Lately I wonder what I do it for ♪" "♪ If I had my way ♪" "♪ I'd just walk through those doors and wander ♪" "♪ Down the Champs-Elysées ♪" "♪ Going cafe to cabaret ♪" "♪ Thinking how I'll feel when I find ♪" "♪ That very good friend of mine ♪" "♪ I was a free man in Paris ♪" "♪ I felt unfettered and alive ♪" "♪ Nobody was calling me up for favors ♪" "♪ No one's future to decide ♪" "♪ You know I'd go back there tomorrow ♪" "♪ But for the work I've taken on ♪" "♪ Stoking the star-maker machinery ♪" "♪ Behind the popular song. ♪"