"Have you ever confused a dream with life?" "Or stolen something when you have the cash?" "Have you ever been blue?" "Or thought your train moving while sitting still?" "Maybe I was just crazy." "Maybe it was the '60s." "Or maybe I was just a girl interrupted." "Put her in restraints." "Withdraw blood." "Hold on." "Give her five milligrams of Valium, IV." "Turn her head so she doesn't aspirate." "There you go." "Aspirin fragments and vodka, I think." "Don't tell me what you think." "Take it to the lab." "You should check my hand." "There's no bones in it." "A wrist banger." " Is that why you did this?" " And other things." "Her parents are on the way." "Sometimes it's hard for me to stay in one place." "Susanna if you had no bones in your hand how did you pick up the aspirin?" "What is my mother doing?" "Would you answer my question, please?" "How did you pick up the aspirin if you had no bones in your hand?" "By then, they'd come back." "I see." "No, you don't." "Well indulge me, then." "Explain it to me." "Explain what?" "Explain to a doctor that the laws of physics can be suspended?" "That what goes up may not come down?" "Explain that time can move backwards and forwards and now to then and back again and you can't control it?" "Why can't you control it?" "What?" "Why can't you control time?" "Where were you?" "Everyone is here." "Come on." " Mary, you remember Susanna." " Yes, I do." "You're wearing this?" "I didn't know it was so early." "I would've changed." "Everybody, look who's here." " Happy birthday, Dad." " Thanks, sweetie." "I'm sorry, I want to say hi to her." "Sweetie, would you hold this for me?" "I just want to say hi to Susanna." "Excuse me." "Susanna!" " Susanna!" " Professor Gilcrest's wife." "Barbara Gilcrest." "You remember me?" "Bonnie's mom." "I'm Bonnie's mom." "Your skin is so beautiful." "Wasn't Bonnie in your lit. class?" "Yeah." "How is she doing?" "She just got accepted to Radcliffe." "What a conundrum." "I'm a Wellesley girl, myself." "But I think young women should make up their own mind, don't you?" "Are you stoned?" "Do you smoke pot?" "Take LSD?" "No drugs?" "How do you feel right now?" "I don't know." "I don't know what I'm feeling." "You need a rest." "Well, I'll go home, take a nap." "No." "You need to go somewhere where you can get a genuine rest." "And you're very lucky." "The best place for someone like you is less than a half an hour from here." "You don't mean Claymoore?" "Four days ago you chased a bottle of aspirin with a bottle of vodka." "I had a headache." "Your father is a friend of mine." "He's a colleague." "He asked me to see you even though I don't do this anymore." "You're hurting everyone around you." "Now, Claymoore is a topnotch place." "A lot of people go there." "Even writers." "Like you." "Great." "Yes, I'd like a cab at 1240 Milford, please." "My mother's here." "It'll be less emotional if we do it this way." "Your parents and I talked about it." "Now make sure, no stops." "Susanna, you there?" "I want to see you again." "It was a one-time thing, okay?" "Just come to my office tonight." "We're opening the presents!" "Tell them you're going to a friend's." "Who should I tell first?" "My parents, the department chairman, or your wife?" "No." "What did you do?" "What did you do?" "Excuse me?" "Well, you look normal." "I'm sad." "Well, everyone's sad." "I see things." "You mean, like tripping?" "Kind of." "Then they should put John Lennon away, huh?" "I'm not John Lennon." "Don't get too comfortable." "Shouldn't my parents...?" "You have to sign them, Miss Kaysen." "You're over 18." "This is your decision." "I didn't try to kill myself." "That's the kind of thing you talk about in therapy, honey." "Not here." "Miss Kaysen?" "You have the distinction of being the only senior not going on to college." "May I ask what you plan to do?" "I plan to write." "Well, what do you plan to do?" "Look, I'm not gonna burn my bra or drop acid or go march on Washington I just don't want to end up like my mother." "Women today have more choices than that." "No, they don't." "And here." "You forgot one, dear." "Here." "Speaking for Dr. Wick and myself, welcome to Claymoore, Susanna." "This is the women's ward, also known as South Bell." "This is where you'll be staying, and this is where I work." "All right, this is the second floor." "I need you to stay close to me because it's easy to get lost here." "This is our ward." "All right, let's start with this room." "This is the art room." "Polly." "What are you doing here?" "I feel very musical today." " Can I just, for just a second?" " Not today, honey." "Margie, Polly was in the art room by herself." "I'm sorry, Val." "The living room." "Everyone hates it." "And these are the phones." "To make a call, pick up the handle, tell the nurse she'll connect you." "This is the nurses' station, which is self-explanatory and this is the TV room, where everyone hangs out." "I want my fucking clothes!" "Then you'll have to eat something, won't you?" "The check-in board." "You check in here to take a walk on the grounds." "Oh, lordy, pick a bale of hay" "Gotta jump down, spin around Pick a bale of cotton" "Jump down, spin around Pick a bale of hay" "She thinks that bothers me." "You're an "R," which means "restricted to the ward."" "But soon you'll move up to two-to-ones which is two nurses to every patient." "I won't be here that long." "I'm just here for a rest." "It's all right." "Everybody gets the same tour free of charge." "Georgina, this is Susanna, your new roommate." "Oh, great." "Hi." "You're lucky." "Georgina's an excellent roommate." "Why, thank you, Valerie." "You're welcome." "The cops are bringing Lisa." "She was at the park." "Will you excuse me?" "I have business I have to attend to." "Georgina, will you take Susanna to the dining room in a half-hour?" "Yes means yes, Georgina." "I know." "Groovy box." "That." "Yeah, they're French." "The French Resistance smoked them, I think." " Read this?" "No." "I saw the movie a bunch of times, though." "The movie's based on the first book." "I read that one too, but there were no ruby slippers in it originally." "They added that." "This takes place afterwards." "Dorothy doesn't really have such a big part in this one." "Fucking pig." "Get off me!" "Thanks, Gretta." "Hey, Dais, let anyone in your room yet?" "Hey, girls!" "Hey, sexy." "It's good to be home." " Hey, Torch." " Hey, Lisa." " You miss me?" " Not much." "Get her to her room." "Gretta will do the strip search." "Who's that with Georgie-girl?" " Where's Jamie?" " I can't deal with this." "Don't give me a hard time." "Where is she?" "Where's Jamie?" "Who are you?" "Her name is Susanna, Lisa." "She smokes French cigarettes." " Why is all your shit on her bed?" " Open the damn door!" "Why?" "Where's Jamie?" "I don't know what you're talking about!" "What the hell are you doing, Lisa?" "Back off her." "Back off!" "You've been gone for two weeks." "A lot of shit has gone down." "Back off!" "How'd she do it?" "How'd she do it?" "How did she do it, Valerie?" "Get the fuck off me!" "You weak people." "You're all weak fucking people!" "You're victims!" "You people are fucking sick!" "What?" "No, no." "Val, please." "Please!" "Get her legs." "Get her feet!" " I got her." " Get off!" "Help!" "We have got to cut those nails again." "My God!" "What the hell was that?" "That was Lisa." "And Jamie was your roommate?" "Jamie was Lisa's best friend." "She was sad because Lisa ran away so she hung herself with a volleyball net." "Meds!" "Cynthia Crowley." "Susanna Kaysen." "Susanna Kaysen." "I am Mrs. McWilley, and these are for you." " What are they?" " They'll help you sleep." " It's 10:30." "I'm not gonna..." " For chrissake." "You can discuss it in the morning with your doctor." "In the meantime, we'll agree to disagree." "Take them here." "Have some water." "Polly Clark." "You can go now." "Teresa McCullian." "Daisy Randone." "Angela Coury." "Jacqueline Lights." "Donna Smith." "Ryan Reed yearbook editor and member of the honour society." "Heading off to Tulane University." "Congratulations, son." "Andrea Jacobs, president of the French club and honour society and on her way to Sarah Lawrence." "Susanna Kaysen." " What is she doing?" " Some kind of a stunt." "Wake up, freak." "Checks." "Why do they do that?" "They're just doing checks." "They'll space them out after you've been here awhile." "That girl, Polly." "How did she get all?" "When she was 10 her mother told her she had to give away her puppy because he was giving her a rash." "And so Polly went and found her father's gas can and she poured it all over where she was getting the rash." "And then she lit a match." "Oh, my God." "Well, what about you?" "Why are you here?" "Pseudologia fantastica." "What's that?" "I'm a pathological liar." " What are your plans this fall?" " What?" "What are your plans this fall?" "I don't have any." "I'm gonna be an ethnobotanist." "Full scholarship to M.I.T." "I'm going to join the Krishnas." "Hare Krishna?" "That's interesting, actually." "I was kidding." "You're Susanna, right?" "I'm Toby." "Andrea Jacobs' brother." "I was at graduation." "You're pretty when you sleep." "Checks." "It's 7:00." "I mean, everybody thinks about it at some point." "How would you do it?" "I don't know." "I guess I haven't really thought about it." "See, once it's in your head, though you become this strange, new breed." "A life form that loves to fantasize about its own demise." "Make a stupid remark, kill yourself." "You like the movie, you live." "You miss the train, kill yourself." "What?" "Let's not talk about this anymore, okay?" "Why?" "Because it's stupid." "What?" "What are you doing?" "What?" "Because I don't want to kill myself?" "That's not cool to you?" "I don't wanna die." "I was just talking." "Look, Susanna, the world is fucked up, okay?" "It's so fucked up that if some draft zombie pulls my birthday out of a barrel I'm gonna die." "When's your birthday?" "December 30th." "I'll pray for you." "Checks." "You asked for this?" "Are you gonna watch?" "Afraid so." "That's why there's so many fuzzy-legged women here." "Has anybody ever watched you shave?" "I got two kids and one bathroom." "What do you think?" "I think you should lock the door." " September 14th." " Zero-zero-two." " Bingo." " Bingo." "Bingo." " December 30th." "Oh, my God." " Bingo." " Zero-zero-three." "A guy I know was just drafted." "What's his name?" "Toby." "He's dead now." "Get out, Lisa!" "I'm not in your room." "I'm right here." " I was gonna offer you nail polish." " Get out!" " You're looking better, Lisa." " Why, thanks, Margie." " How's the engagement?" " You know." "No, I don't." "I've been away." "Joe wants me to..." "Before the wedding." "Fuck his brains out." "Use a rubber." "Gosh, hell, no." "Can I bum one?" "Go ahead." "So have you had your first Melvin yet?" "Who's that?" "Bald guy with a little pecker and a fat wife." "Your therapist, sweet pea." "Unless unless they're giving you shocks." "Or, God forbid, letting you out." "Then you'll see the great, wonderful Dr. Dyke." "She means Dr. Wick." "I've seen his office but haven't met him." "He's a she." "Dr. Wick's a girl." "That's right, M-G." "Wick's a chick." "Hence the nickname." "Hey, Lil." "When the fuck is my checkup?" "It's now, Lisa." "You said you'd be in your room." "Can't sit too long without popping the hood." "Asshole!" "You have Melvin in half an hour." "I'll take you there." "I'm sorry." " Why are you using the past tense?" "What do you mean?" "Well, he was only drafted today, so chances are, he's not dead yet." "He probably has several months before he even reports." "He was just a nice guy, that's all." "And it made me feel bad." "You've been feeling bad in general." "Right?" "You've been feeling depressed." "I haven't exactly been a ball of joy, Melvin." "I understand you tried to kill yourself last week." "Anything you want to tell me about that?" "I had a headache." "So I assume you took the recommended aspirin dosage for a headache." "I didn't try to kill myself." "What were you trying to do?" "I was trying to make the shit stop." "The time-jumps, the depression the headaches, the thing with your hand?" "All of the above." "I see." "Paul is dead!" "What is it?" "Are you puzzled about something?" "Yeah, I guess I am, Melvin." "I'm puzzled as to why I have to be in a mental institution." "You put yourself here." "My parents put me here." "No, they didn't." "Everyone here's fucking crazy!" "You wanna go home." "Same problem." "M-G, look at me." "Play with me." "Don't be sad." "Don't be sad." "Thank you." " What are these?" " Colace." "It's just a laxative." "I don't need them." "Are we going to have a problem?" "Are we going to have a problem?" "Are we going to have a problem?" "May I see?" "Thank you." "Surrender." "Are we going to have a problem?" "No problem." "Phone call, booth one." " Hello?" " Hold on." " Susanna?" " Hi, Mom." "Hi, honey." "Your father's on too." "He's just back from reserves." "He got stuck at Dulles." "How are you, honey?" " I'm fine, Dad." " You know, sweetheart..." "If you can't give me Ex-Lax, can I please have some Colace?" "No." "No more laxatives." "I can get her some prune juice." "Prune juice!" "This is outrageous!" "She was wondering if you'd made new friends, and I said:" ""No, Mom, this isn't Camp Winnetka."" " Daisy?" " Fuck off." "I have something you want." "Come in." "You're all packed up." "Yeah, I'm leaving in a month." "My dad got me an apartment." " Really?" "Where?" " It's near the airport." "One bedroom, two baths, eat-in chicken." "He fixed it up real nice for me." "You mean eat-in kitchen." "That's what I said, asshole." "So what do you have that I want?" "Put it on the bed." "Put yours on the bed." "Oh, Jesus." "Get out!" "Get out!" "Don't take advantage just because she's new." "Pony up some Valium." "Get the fuck out, or I'm calling Valerie!" "Valerie!" "Why don't you call Valerie?" "Call Valerie and ask her for some Colace, like Susie Q's got in her hand." "Why does it stink in here?" "I don't take Valium." "I know." "That's the point." "They give them to you, and you don't take them." "Are you gonna eat that?" "Checks." "You've got visitors, Daisy." "I want some fucking Colace." "Talk to Melvin tomorrow." "You know what I think?" "I think you want to poop, Daisy." "I think it's been days." "Look, it's okay." "I don't care." "I do!" "I do care." "So Daddy buys you a private, and no one gets in, huh?" "You never leave except when Valerie makes you go to the cafeteria where you never eat." "You're a laxative junkie." "I always thought you were like Janet, but here you are with this chicken." "So what's with that, huh?" "My dad owns a deli, asshole, with a rotisserie." "I like my dad's chicken." "When I eat something else, I puke." "But why do you eat it here?" "Why don't you like to go to the cafeteria?" "Which do you like better?" "Taking a dump alone or with Valerie watching?" "Alone." "Everyone likes to be alone when it comes out." "I like to be alone when it goes in." "To me, the cafeteria's like being with 20 girls all at once taking a dump." "That is fucked up, Daisy!" "Come on." "All right, assholes." "Fine, here." "Here." "Lisa, don't!" "No, please..." "Dios-fucking-mio!" "That's how Daddy knows she's eating." "When I get five, Valerie makes me throw them away." "Scribble, scribble, scribble." "Written anything about me yet?" "Don't do that." "Is Daisy really getting out?" "She coughed up a big one." "How can...?" "I mean, she's insane." "That's what "ther-rape-me" is all about." "That's why fucking Freud's picture's on every shrink's wall." "He created an industry." "You lie down, confess your secrets, and you're saved." "The more you confess, the more they think about setting you free." "But what if you don't have a secret?" "Then you're a lifer, like me." "I was changing her diaper and I turned to get the powder and while my back was turned, she rolled off the bed." "She rolled off the bed and broke her leg." "The doctor put her in a body cast, but also strapped her down." " This has nothing..." " You never told me this." "Carl planned this trip to Santa Monica." "He had a commitment at RAND." "So we took her with us." "On the back seat, strapped to this board, 4000 miles." "If you like, Mrs. Kaysen, we can discuss this further on the way out." "Just how long is my daughter going to be here?" "With all due respect, Mr. Kaysen psychiatry and economics are different." "The length of Susanna's stay isn't fixed." "It depends on her response to treatment." "For what?" "Depression?" "It's almost Christmas." "What do we say to the people who care about her?" "See, what's going on here is my parents are having a little holiday cocktail Christmas party crisis." "What?" "What's the "borderline" business you mentioned?" "I don't think that's useful to Susanna." " I mean, not..." " What "borderline business"?" " The mind..." " Borderline what?" "Borderline between what and what?" "It's a condition, Susanna." "And it's called Borderline Personality Disorder." "Oh, God." "It's not uncommon." "Especially among young women." "What causes it?" "We're really not sure." " Is it genetic?" " Oh, Christ!" "It is five times more common among those with a borderline parent." "I can't do this." "I'm sorry, I can't." "I can't do this." ""Razors pain you; rivers are damp;" "acid stains you; drugs cause cramp." "Guns aren't lawful;" "nooses give gas smells awful;" "you might as well live."" "Gin." " Asshole." " Fatso." "Call me a cab." "Okay, you're a cab." "Lisa said you got into Daisy's room." "And it was full of chickens." "Susanna, you have a phone call." "So what's your "diag-nonsense"?" " Who is this?" " What'd he say to Mom and Pop?" "I have a borderline personality." "Well, that's nothing." "What else?" "He didn't say." "He thought it would affect my recovery." "Tongue your meds tonight." "After 1:00 checks, Gretta always goes for a smoke." "Check the mirrors." "If they're clear, go to Hector's closet." "It's near the art room, and it will be open." "Torch!" "Come on." "This is how Lisa gets out when she escapes!" "We're under administration, so..." "No good here." "Good thing this place has a sliding scale." "We get to mingle with the lock-picking trash." "Good job!" "Susanna, you're up!" "No, no, no." "I've only done this once in my life." " Come on." " Please." " We came all the way here." " Come on!" "All right!" "They put the tunnels in so the loons didn't have to go out in the cold." "I must've missed that in the brochure." "Hey, open the door." "What the fuck are you doing?" "Dr. Wick's office." "All right." "Georgina Tuskin." "Susanna Kaysen." "Polly Clark." "Cynthia Crowley." " Congratulations." " Thank you." "Janet Webber." "Lisa Rowe." "Fuck you, Melvin." "Wanna see mine?" "Let me see yours." ""Lisa Rowe." "Highs and lows increasingly severe." "Controlling relationships with patients." "No appreciable response to meds." "No remission observed." That was before you ran away." "We're very rare, and mostly men." "Lisa thinks she's hot shit because she's a sociopath." " I'm a sociopath." " No, you're a dyke." ""Borderline Personality Disorder." "An instability of self-image, relationships and mood." "Uncertainty about goals." "Impulsive in activities that are self-damaging such as casual sex."" "I like that." ""Social contrariness and a generally pessimistic attitude are often observed."" "Well, that's me." "That's everybody." "I mean, what kind of sex isn't casual?" "They mean promiscuous." "I'm not promiscuous." "I'm not." "Jesus." "Look at Janet." "No." "It's all right." "You know, taking us for ice creams in a blizzard makes you wonder who the real whack jobs are." "You know, I think it's kind of nice." "I mean, I think it's nice to do something nice on Daisy's last day." "Oh, fuck!" "I'll have peppermint stick." "Me too." "Can I have peppermint stick?" "Sure." "It's just called peppermint." "Peppermint dick!" "Peppermint clit!" "Okay." "We're just gonna have four cones." "Four cones." "Susanna, do you want anything?" "I'm fine." "Ronny." "Got any hot fudge?" "Yes." "Can I have a vanilla sundae with hot fudge and sprinkles." "Rainbow, not chocolate." "And whipped cream, cherries and..." "Nuts?" "Let's have a seat, ladies." "Melvin thought that I should live in a halfway house." "But my father knew that I deserved my own apartment." "So he got me the prettiest apartment." "It has an eat-in chicken and all this beautiful wicker furniture, which is fantastic." "Wicker butterflies." "My very favourite part is like in the phone book." "There's a sign right outside that says:" ""If you lived here you'd be home now."" "Hello, Susanna." "Do you remember me?" " You must remember me." " Yes." "Mrs. Gilcrest." "Susanna, you okay?" "I'm fine." " Hey, Bonnie." "How's Radcliffe?" " Wellesley." "I'm enjoying it." "It's strong in art." "Going to the Sorbonne." " That's great." " You know, I know all about you and I hope they put you away forever." "Is this the professor's wife?" "What professor?" "So you told everybody." "Lady, back off." " Was I talking to you?" " Let's go." "No, you're spitting on me, so mellow-fucking-out." "Don't tell me what to do." "Look, she gave your husband a rim job." "Big fucking deal!" "He was begging for it, and I heard it was like a pencil." "How dare you!" "Some advice:" "Don't point your fucking finger at crazy people!" "Let go of me!" "Mother?" "Get that out of my face, asshole!" "Let go!" "Now." "Stop it!" ""Rank" you!" "Come again, Mrs. Professor!" "You shared a man with that woman?" " Did you enjoy the fresh air?" " Yeah, thanks." "Good." "Because it's the last time you're leaving the ward." "Is that a dare or a double dare?" "Okay, raise your arms." "Very good." "We're going to be trees." "Feel the strength in your arms as the branches." "And reach those branches up to the sky." "Come on, Susanna, reach." "Very good!" "Lisa, all right." "Reach your arms, girls." "Reach." "Really lift." "Feel the stretch through the hip." "Very good." "Let your arms be branches." "There's strength in those branches." "Reach, reach all the way up into the sky." "Very good." "Let the wind blow the leaves and let your fingers be the leaves." "Good, M-G, very good." "Feel the wind." "Good." "Good, Lisa." "Very good." "Just lift up." "Lift up." "Very good, girls." "Now feel your feet." "Feel your feet be rooted." "Go down into a pile." "Very good." "Good, girls." "Polly, very good." "Now stretch it." "The wind's blowing really hard this way." "That is not fair." "That is not fair!" "That is not fair!" "Seventy-four is the perfect weight!" "Good luck, crazy bitch." "What kind of tree can you be down there on the floor?" "I'm a fucking shrub, all right?" "Martin Luther King Jr. was killed tonight in Memphis, Tennessee." "He was shot as he stood on the balcony of his hotel room." "Last night, he said this:" "I don't know what will happen now." "We've got some difficult days ahead." "But it really doesn't matter with me now because I've been to the mountaintop." "Susanna, you have a visitor." "What are you doing here?" "I ship out next week." "Here." "Checks." "Sorry." "No." "It's okay." "We have 10 minutes till they come back." "Hey, Torch." "What you doing?" "Nothing." "Well, why don't you go to your room and do nothing?" "Checks." "Checks." "Checks." "Hey, Margie." " Hey, Lisa." " What you doing?" " Checks." " How's Joe?" "He's fine." "I have to do my checks." "Taking five minutes for me would be a dereliction of duty?" "What if I had a punctured artery?" "You'd go on your rounds, ignoring my wounds?" " Stop it." " Stop what?" "Look at this." "Go ahead." "Go ahead." "That's enough!" "Take one step and I'll jam this in my aorta!" "Stop it." "Your aorta is in your chest." "Good to know." " I'll make a note of that." " Good." "You have grounds privileges." "Why don't you take a walk?" "Go get a cup of coffee." "We should get out of here." "The cafeteria's this way." "My wheels are here." "Wait." "What are we doing?" "We're going to Canada." "You're not crazy." "Okay?" "You don't need to be here." "I tried to kill myself, Toby." " You took some aspirin." " I took a bottle of aspirin." "That buys you a year in this place?" "That's bullshit, okay?" "They're breaking you." "Come on." "All right?" "Everything's changing, man." "What do they know about being normal?" "I have friends in here." "Who?" "Them?" "Those girls..." "Susanna they're eating grapes off of the wallpaper." "They're insane." "If they are, I am." "No, baby." "Listen, come with me." "Look my dad gave me five grand." "Okay?" "We can go up there." "We can build a cabin in the woods." "Look, I know that this sounds crazy but I think I love you." "So come with me." "Okay?" "Come with me." "You wanna leave, don't you?" "Yes." "I wanna leave." "But not with you." "Not with you." "I'm sorry." "Susanna, wait a second." "Why did you do that?" "Fix the light bulb at night?" "I'm not here in the morning and that's when you like to draw your pictures and stuff." "So..." "John?" "Why do you like me?" "I just like you." "That's all." "I wish you were getting better, though." "I would..." "I'd take you out to go see a movie or something." "That'd be nice." "My face!" "My face!" "I'm okay." "I'm okay." " Let her be." "She's fine." " My face!" "My face!" "Seclusion." "Take her to Seclusion." "Come on." "I got you." " My face!" "Why?" " Open it." "My face!" "My face!" "Quieten down." "Quieten down." "You're all right." "I'm ugly!" "My face!" "I'm ugly!" "Why?" "What happened to Polly?" "What needs to happen?" "No one's ever gonna kiss her." "They're building a new Disneyland in Florida." "If I could have any job, I'd be a professional Cinderella." "You could be Snow White." "Polly could be Minnie Mouse and then she'd be hugged, kissed and loved and no one would know what's inside that giant head." "Give me your keys." "Hey, Polly." "It's Susanna." "Just play something." "If talking did shit, we'd be out of here by now." "When you're alone And life is making you lonely" "You can always go" "Downtown" "When you've got worries All the noise and the hurry" "Seems to help, I know" "Downtown" "Just listen to the music" "In the traffic in the city" "Linger on the sidewalks Where the neon lights are pretty" "How can you lose?" "The lights are much brighter there" "You can forget all your troubles Forget all your cares and go downtown" "Back to your room, please." "Things will be great when you're Downtown" "McWilley is gonna wake up." "Give me the guitar." "You're gonna get me fired." "You'll be dancing with him Before the night is over" " Give me the guitar." " Happy again" "No." "No." "It's okay." "It's okay." "Come here." "You'll get me fired." "You know that?" "Downtown" "Everything's great when you're downtown" "I'm writing you up." "I am sick of this bullshit." "Is she here?" "You can go in now." " What did she do?" " They drugged Nurse McWilley." " Good morning, Susanna." " Good morning." "How are you?" "I'm fine, I guess." "Sit down." "You look tired." "Polly freaked out last night and we stayed up singing to her, Lisa and I." "Have you become friends with Lisa?" "Why?" "Is that bad?" " Does it feel bad?" " No." "Before you came here, did you have many girlfriends?" "Not really." "Would you say that before you came here, your friends consisted mainly of boys, of men?" "Does it say in there that I'm promiscuous?" "Why do you choose that word?" "How many guys would I have to sleep with to be considered promiscuous?" "Textbook promiscuous?" "What do you think?" "Ten." "Eight." "Five." "How many girls would a guy have to sleep with to be considered promiscuous?" "Ten?" "20?" "109?" "Someone who's compulsively promiscuous might engage in a sex act with a guest in their room and then engage in another sex act during the same day with an orderly." "Am I in trouble for kissing an orderly or giving my boyfriend a blowjob?" "Melvin says you have some very interesting theories about your illness." "You believe there is a mystical undertow in life." ""Quicksands of shadows."" "Another one of my theories is that you people don't know what you're doing." "You acknowledge a problem coping with this quicksand." "I have a problem coping with this hospital." "I wanna leave." "I can't do that." "I signed myself in, I can sign myself out." "You signed yourself into our care." "We decide when you leave." "You're not ready for it, Susanna." "Your progress has plateaued." "Does that disappoint you?" "I'm ambivalent." "In fact, that's my new favourite word." "Do you know what that means, ambivalence?" "I don't care." "If it's your favourite word, I would've..." "It means "I don't care." That's what it means." "On the contrary, Susanna." "Ambivalence suggests strong feelings in opposition." "The prefix, as in ambidextrous means "both."" "The rest of it, in Latin, means "vigour."" "The word suggests that you are torn between two opposing courses of action." "Will I stay or will I go?" "Am I sane or am I crazy?" "Those aren't courses of action." "They can be, dear, for some." "Well, then, it's the wrong word." "No." "I think it's perfect." ""What world is this?" "What kingdom?" "What shores of what worlds?"" "It's a very big question you're faced with, Susanna." "The choice of your life." "How much will you indulge in your flaws?" "What are your flaws?" "Are they flaws?" "If you embrace them, will you commit yourself to hospital for life?" "Big questions, big decisions." "Not surprising you profess carelessness about them." "Is that it?" "For now." "This way, Susanna." "John was moved to the men's ward." "And Lisa never came back from Dr. Wick's office." "We live in a time of doubt." "The institutions we once trusted no longer seem reliable." "Daisy sent us a postcard all about her new apartment." "She got a pussycat." "Where's Lisa?" "You know where she is." "They just put her in another ward." "I think you need to get up." "I'm just gonna rest for a while, just a little while." "What are you doing?" "Fuck!" "Sorry, too cold?" "What the fuck are you doing?" "Get me the fuck out of this tub!" "Get yourself out." "Where's Lisa?" "Where the fuck is Lisa?" "Can't hack it without her?" "You banish her for singing to Polly." "We were trying to help her!" "We were trying to help her!" "This place is a fucking fascist torture chamber!" "No." "I worked in state hospitals." "This place is a five-star hotel." "Oh, lordy, pick a bale of cotton" "You know, I can take a lot of crazy shit from a lot of crazy people but you?" "You are not crazy." "Then what's wrong with me?" "What the fuck's going on inside my head?" "Tell me Dr. Val, what's your diag-nonsense?" "You are a lazy, self-indulgent little girl who is driving herself crazy." "Is that your medical opinion?" "Huh?" "Is that what you've learned in your studies at night school for Negro welfare mothers?" "I mean, Melvin doesn't have a clue." "Wick is a psycho." "And you pretend you're a doctor." "You sign charts and dole out meds, but you's ain't no doctor, Miss Valerie." "You's ain't nothing but a black nursemaid." "And you're just throwing it away." "You still wanna go to Florida?" "Lisa, we need money, don't we?" " You've tongued your meds?" " Yeah, but I only have..." "They gave me shocks again." "Jamie, I have to get out of here." "I'm Susanna." "I'm Susanna." "What are we doing?" "What is it?" ""Dear sir, please give Daisy Randone assistance installing a telephone at 23 Vicar Street."" "I thought we were going to Florida!" "We just need a place to crash till we get plane tickets." "Come on." "Nice coat." "What?" "You don't want me, Tony." "Yes, I do, baby." "No, you don't." "I'm a crazy girl." "You're crazy, so we can't have one night?" "I am a crazy girl." "Seriously." " You've been in a hospital?" " Yes." "Do you see purple people?" "My friend, he saw purple people." "And so the state came and took him away." "He didn't like that." "Some time went by and he told them he didn't see purple people no more." "He got better." "No." "He still sees them." "We gotta split." "Somebody stop her!" "She took my fucking wallet!" "Identify yourself." "It's Susanna and..." "It's Susanna." "Daisy?" "You got Valium?" "Cool pad." "Peace, man, peace." "I'm sorry for being a bitch." "I was a drag." "That's for you." "That's Ruby." "My dad bought her for me." "This is a Castro Convertible." " It pulls out." " Cool." " Where's your bathroom?" " Right there." "You don't have a tub." "No, I don't." " What about upstairs?" " Nope." "So, what, did you two escape or what?" "Actually, we're going to Florida." "All you have is mustard and your chickens." "So what are you girls going to do in Florida?" "I'm gonna be Cinderella at Walt Disney's new theme park." "Susanna's gonna be Snow White." "You can come if you want." "You can be the cocker spaniel that eats spaghetti." "I wanna make pancakes." "I'm tired." "I wanna go to bed." "I want to make pancakes in the morning." "There's a market on the corner." "Pans are under the sink." "Silver's in that drawer." "Do you have any money?" "Do you have some sort of a safety net down there?" "People you know down there in Florida?" "Relatives?" "Friends?" "Anything?" "This is for your pancakes." "Don't make a lot of noise in the morning." "I like to sleep late." "I'll come down when I'm ready." "Give me the Valium." "We don't need your daddy's money." "Then leave it there." "Just give me the fucking Valium." "What's this?" " What's this?" " Let go." " Trying out your new silver?" " Get the fuck off me." "Less appealing for Daddy." "Look at your own arm, asshole." "I'm sick, Daisy." "We know that." "But here you are in so-called recovery, cut up like a ham." "Just stop it, okay?" "Help me understand." "I thought you didn't do Valium." "Tell me how this works." "Tell me that you don't drag that blade across your skin and pray for the courage to press down." "Tell me how your daddy helps you cope with that." "Illuminate me." "My father loves me." "I bet." "With every inch of his manhood." "Oh, God." "I'm going to sleep now." "Please be gone in the morning." "You're just jealous, Lisa because I got better." "Because I was released." "Because I have a chance." "And a life." "They didn't release you because you're better." "They just gave up." "You call this a life?" "Taking Daddy's money?" "Buying your dollies and your knickknacks?" "Eating his fucking chicken?" "Fattening up like a prize heifer?" "You changed the scenery, but not the situation and the warden makes house calls." "And everybody knows." "Everybody knows that he fucks you." "What they don't know is that you like it." " You like it." " Shut the fuck up!" "Man, it's cool." "It's okay." "It's fucking fine!" "A man is a dick is a man is a dick is a chicken is a dad a Valium, a speculum, whatever." "Whatever." "You like being Mrs. Randone." "Probably all you've ever known." "Have fun in Florida." "Has she come down yet?" "No." "But she's been playing that shit all morning!" "Why does my heart go on beating?" "Why do these eyes of mine cry?" "Don't they know" "It's the end of the world" "It ended when you said" "Goodbye" "Daisy?" "Oh, my God!" "What an idiot." " Yes, I need an ambulance." " Make it a hearse." "Daisy Randone." "She killed herself." "23 Vicar Street." "Yes." "Please hurry!" "You pressed her buttons." "Now you're taking her money." "I didn't press shit." "She was waiting for an excuse." "Pack up." "We have to go." "All right?" "We have to go!" "Now we have money." "Don't be stupid." "All right, fine." "Be stupid." "We should send someone for a litter box." "Can I pet the kitty?" "Be careful." " Hello, puddy-cat." " Kitty!" "You are so cute." "Checks." "Where's Georgina?" "She's staying with Polly tonight." "They're playing with your cat." "Did they find Lisa?" "No." "I couldn't stand up to her." "A decent person would have done something." "Shut her up." "Gone upstairs." "Talked to Daisy." "Melvin said you went upstairs." "Too late." "What would you have said to her?" "I don't know." "That I was sorry." "That I'll never know what it was like to be her." "But I know what it's like to wanna die." "How it hurts to smile." "How you try to fit in, but you can't." "How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside." "Susanna, it's all well and good to tell me all this." "But you've got to tell some of this to your doctors." "How am I supposed to recover when I don't even understand my disease?" "But you do understand it." "You spoke very clearly about it a second ago." "But I think what you've got to do is put it down." "Put it away." "Put it in your notebook." "But get it out of yourself." "Away, so you can't curl up with it anymore." "Lisa thinks it's a gift." "That it lets you see the truth." "Lisa's been here for eight years." "I'm so sorry." " I was a pig." " It's all right." "Listen." "Do not drop anchor here." "Understand?" "When you don't want to feel death can seem like a dream." "But seeing death really seeing it makes dreaming about it fucking ridiculous." "Maybe there's a moment, growing up when something peels back." "Maybe we look for secrets because we can't believe our minds." "Though I missed Lisa, life was easier without her." "A thought is a hard thing to control." "All I know is that I began to feel again." "Crazy?" "Sane?" "Whatever I was, I knew there was only one way back to the world and that was to use the place to talk." "So I saw the great and wonderful Dr. Wick three times a week and I let her hear every thought in my head." "Do you think maybe I have ESP or something, that I'm gifted?" "Perhaps." "You think I can be home by Thanksgiving?" "Nothing's happened in weeks, you know." "The point is control." "Yeah, and here I am, in control, off meds no headaches, sleeping sound." "Oh, will you help me?" "Can you help me?" "You don't need to be helped any longer." "You've always had the power to go back to Kansas." "I have?" "Then why didn't you tell her before?" "Because she wouldn't have believed me." "She had to learn it for herself." "What have you learned, Dorothy?" "I think that it that it wasn't enough just to want to see Uncle Henry and Auntie Em and if I ever go looking for my heart's desire again I won't look any further than my own back yard." "Because if it isn't there I never really lost it to begin with." " Is that right?" " That's all it is." "Thanks, Joe." "Go away." "Go away!" "It's me." "It's been a while and I just wanted to say hey." "You okay?" "Fabulous." "You're gonna be late." "Gretta's waiting for you." "I gotta go." "Dr. Wick." "They still fucking with you?" "They're..." "Actually, they're letting me out." "Oh, that's great." "You better go." "Well, my dad got me a job, a part-time job at a bookstore in Harvard Square." "And I got an apartment with a phone so I can..." "Stay in touch." "And I'll be seeing Sonia twice a week." "Is that your long-term plan?" "To work in retail?" "My plan?" "No." "Then what do you plan to do?" "I plan to write." "Polly Clark." "Cynthia Crowley." "Susanna Kaysen." " I don't think I need..." " Sleeping pills, darling." "You want to be rested for tomorrow." "Last night's a long one." "Good girl." "Katie Cooper." "Rosemary Jones." "Teresa McCullian." "Ruby?" ""If I spread my fingers out, my hand looked more human." "So I did that." "But it wasn't tiring holding my fingers apart, so I let them relax and then, I turned my hand over." "The back wasn't much better." "My veins bulged."" "Shut up, I'm reading." "Shut up!" ""I can honestly say that my memory has been transformed..." "By Freud's definition, I've achieved mental health." "And my discharge sheet reads, 'recovered.'" "Recovered."" "Don't do this!" ""Whatever it was..."" ""Had I stopped arguing with my personality?" "Recovered."" "We were reading your book." "We're having a little read-aloud celebrate the wisdom you're taking into the world." "Try to learn something, grow as people." "When you were a baby, they strapped you to a board." "You think Georgina doesn't wanna leave and I'm criminally insane." "What are you guys doing here?" ""Lisa's eyes, once so magnetic, now just look empty."" "That is mine." "That is mine." ""Georgina lies only to people who keep her here." "Sometimes I think she wants to live in Oz forever."" " How perceptive." " You better erase that thing." "My father is the head of the CIA, and he could have you dead in minutes!" ""In this world, looks are everything." "Sometimes I think Polly's sweetness and purity aren't genuine at all but a desperate attempt to make it easier for us to look at her."" "So nice of you to pass judgment on us now that you're cured." "What the fuck are you doing, Lisa?" "I'm playing the villain, like you want." " I give you everything you want." " No, you don't." "You wanted your file?" "I got it!" "You wanted out, I got you out!" "You needed money, I found you some!" "I told you the truth!" "I didn't write it in a book!" "I told you to your face!" "I told Daisy what everybody knew and wouldn't say, and she killed herself." "I played the fucking villain." "Just like you wanted." "Why would I want that?" "Because it makes you the good guy, sweet pea." "You come back here, all sweetness and light and sad and contrite and everybody wrings their hands, congratulating you on your bravery." "Meanwhile, I'm blowing guys at the bus station for money!" "Stop it, Lisa." "She's too..." "Shut up, Polly!" "Where are you going?" "I'm talking to you!" "Where are you going?" "I'm talking to you!" "You don't like me anymore?" "No, I don't!" "Because you're free?" "You think you're free?" "I'm free!" "You don't know what freedom is!" "I'm free!" "I can breathe!" "And you you'll go choke on your average fucking mediocre life!" "There are too many buttons in the world." "Too many buttons, and they're just..." "There's way too many, begging to be pressed." "They're just begging to be pressed!" "You know, they're just begging to be pressed." "And it makes me wonder." "It makes me fucking wonder." "Why doesn't anybody ever press mine?" "Why am I so neglected?" "Why doesn't anybody reach in and rip out the truth and tell me that I'm a fucking whore and that my parents wish I were dead?" "Because you're dead already, Lisa!" "No one cares if you die, Lisa because you're dead already." "Your heart is cold!" "That's why you keep coming back here." "You're not free." "You need this place." "You need it to feel alive." "It's pathetic." "I've wasted a year of my life." "And maybe everyone out there is a liar." "And maybe the whole world is stupid and ignorant." "But I'd rather be in it." "I'd rather be fucking in it than down here with you." "Don't." "Don't." "Don't." "Oh, God." "Did you get it?" "I had to trade with a transvestite in the men's ward." "Thanks." "I'm not really dead." "I know." "I'm gonna miss you, Susie Q." "No, you're not." "You're gonna get out of here and you're gonna come and see me." "Hey, Georgina." "You know all that stuff I write in my journal I don't know what I'm saying." "They're just thoughts." "Maybe I'm the liar." "Maybe not." "See you." "You think if I left Ruby here you'd take care of her for me?" "Let me play with her when I come for my therapy?" "Bye, Ruby." "Remember me when you shave your legs." "Declared healthy and sent back into the world." "My final diagnosis:" "A recovered borderline." "What that means, I still don't know." "Was I ever crazy?" " Maybe." "Or maybe life is." "I remember you." "Where are you going?" "17 Burlingame." "All right." "Crazy isn't being broken or swallowing a dark secret." "It's you or me amplified." "If you ever told a lie and enjoyed it." "If you ever wished you could be a child forever." "They were not perfect but they were my friends." "And by the '70s most of them were out living lives." "Some I've seen some, never again." "But there isn't a day my heart doesn't find them."