"Okay, I'll" " I'll get that." "Hello?" "Hey, Manny's getting his outfit together for the dance tonight" "I was just taking some supplies out to the car." "Isn't this exciting, the boys' first dance?" "Greatest day of my life." "Does Phil have a green pocket square for him?" " Teal." " Teal." "I don't know." "I don't think Phil's really a pocket square kind of a guy." "Wow." "Wow." "Why don't we conference in Mitch?" "Ay, look." "This might work." "Well, except that it's turquoise." "Oh, and a bra!" "Do you think the kids in my village have pocket squares?" "Here we go with the village." " Dad, you still there?" " Unfortunately, yes." "Please ask Claire what time do I need to be at the school to help set up." " Gloria wants to know" " No, I heard." "I heard." "Um, tell her thank you so much, but we have all the help we could possibly need... and she doesn't even have to come tonight if she doesn't want to." " Claire said" " I heard." "Hello?" " Oh, hey, Mitch." "Where are you?" " Oh, we're at the park." "You would not believe how some of these people dress their kids." "Lily's friend just pulled a Britney Spears getting out of a sandbox car." "So Dad's on the line." "Do you have a teal pocket square for Manny?" "Cam, Manny needs a teal pocket square." " Oh, I've got teal, I've got aqua, I've got seafoam." " Yeah, Cam's got one." " Cam's got one." " Yes!" "Oh, you know what?" "I lent it to Andre." "Uh, he lent it to Andre." " Flag on the play." " What's that mean?" "What's it mean?" "Now I got to go to the mall." "Is this okay?" "Oh, hey, Luke has to go to the mall too." " What?" " Phil." "Let's go, Incredible Hulk." "§ Hey, hey §" "§ Hey, hey §" "§ Hey, hey §" "§ Hey, hey §" "§ Hey §§" "Hey." " Hi." " Hi." "Is that your little girl over there, Lily?" " Yes." "Look at her." " Yes." "Uh, this is a little bit awkward, but she bit Tyler." " Oh, no." " Oh, my goodness." "I" " I don't even know what to say." "She's never done anything like that before." "How did it happen?" "I don't know." "I didn't see it." " Uh-huh." " Mm-hmm." "It's time to play everyone's favorite game." ""Let's blame the gay dads."" " You know who had straight parents" " Adolf Hitler." " Charles Manson." " Shall we go on?" " Naomi Campbell." "I know it happened." "He's got bite marks on his arm." "Oh, wow, yeah." "Oh, gosh." "Someone really sunk their teeth into ya, huh?" "It's 'cause you're such a yummy little guy." "Yes." "Our daughter didn't do that." " But he said" " Right." "He's probably just confused." "You know who I bet did it, though?" "Billy." "Rhymes with "Lily." Plus, he is very aggressive." "His babysitter is right over there." "She's" " She's not much of a disciplinarian." "Because I can assure you... if our child did something like this... we would be on her like white on rice." "And I know that sounds a little bit like a racial slur... because we're white and she presumably likes rice... but I didn't intend it that way." "Ah, finally." "There's a spot." "Oh." "Guys, I am just bursting with pride right now." "Your first dance." "Soon you're gonna be men." "I want you to know there's more to being a man... than just shopping for fancy outfits." "Yep." "Pretty soon you get some hair on your chest." "You start answering the phone, people don't think you're ladies." "Come on." "Today, Miss Daisy." "Actually, Miss Daisy was the one being driven, not the one driving." " Never saw it." " It's called Driving Miss Daisy." "You got a real lip on you today, you know that?" "Hey, that was our spot!" "What are you doing?" "You gonna let him snake your spot?" "Not worth it." "Boys, here's the only thing you gotta know about being a man- never let someone take what is yours." "Unless it's just a parking spot and there's plenty of others." "That's sweet, Phil." "You ought to write that down." "You got any lipstick in your purse?" "I love Jay." "Are you kidding me?" "He's my boy." "Yeah, he gives me a hard time, but that's the deal with a father-in-law." "The key is, I never let him see just how much it devastates me." " It's Dunphy." " That's what I said" " Dumphy." "No, not "Dum." Dunphy." "Dumphy." " Say "Dun."" " Dun." " Say "phy."" " Phy." " Dunphy." " Dumphy." "All right, just bring it this way." "This way." "There it is." "Perfect." "Thank you." "Perfect." " Claire!" " What?" "Can you ask Gus to fix that light?" " I asked him, but he just growled at me." " Oh, gosh." "Okay." "Gus, stop scaring Bethenny and fix the light, please." "Don't make me come over there." "I'm busy." "You fix it." "Is this because I said I wouldn't come to the dance with you?" "Gus, I'm a married woman." "People would talk." "One dance with me, you'd forget all about it." "Yeah, I already have a husband who doesn't fix lights." "Please?" "Thank you so much." "This school would literally fall apart without you." "Oh, well, I don't know about "literally," but" "¡Hola!" "¡Hola!" "I'm here." "Oh, you came anyway." "That's great." "I think it's great too." "A few weeks ago, they asked for someone to be in charge of the school dance... and I volunteered." "The school asks for volunteers so that everybody will feel included." "But who are they kidding?" "They want me to do it." "I've put on every school dance since Haley was 12." "It's my thing." "They made us cochairs... which means we're supposed to do everything together." "But Claire won't take any of my ideas." "She suggested an Arabian Nights theme." "Isn't it a little soon?" "Okay." "Hey, everybody... do you know Gloria, Manny's mom?" " She's here to help us out today." " I'm the cochair." " Oh." " Mm-hmm." "So the kids are gonna be here in two hours, so everybody back to work." "Everybody back to work." "I just said that." "And I just co-said it." "I mean the nerve of that lady, accusing Lily." "Mmm." "You know what?" "You can't change people, Cam." "I mean, we just have to rise above." " Ow!" "Ohh!" " What happened?" " She bit me." " Are you serious?" "Ohh!" "She did it again." "It's like Twilight back here." "No." "No ice cream for you, Billy... because the lady say you biting." " Okay, go, go!" " Yeah." " Go, go, go." "Drive." " Okay." "Are you sure this is teal?" "'Cause I'm starting to get a real strong green thing here." "That's the fluorescent lights." "Do you mind if I walk this over to Lamps Galore?" "I need you to worry about this less." "Guess who fit into the suit on the mannequin and saved us 20%?" "Here's something I didn't know about mannequins- they don't have a wiener." "What the heck is that?" "It's a nicer word for "penis."" "No, I mean, what the heck is this?" " It's a tie." " It's teal." "I don't care." "I just grabbed the first one I saw." " Well, grab a different one." " No!" "Now I like it." "Uh, I think we were here first." "I just have one thing." "I'm in a big rush." " So are we." " That's fine." "Go ahead." " Seriously." " Jay, it's not a big deal." "And can you give me the sale prices for some things I bought last week?" "Oh, for God's sake!" "Now this is what I'm talking about, boys." "You give people an inch, they'll run all over you." "Or you could just be nice." "Pay it forward." "They don't make movies out of bad ideas." "All I know is you gotta fight for what you want." "If there's one job available, this guy just got it and they go hungry at the Dumphys." "Dunphys." "Okay, I don't get it." "Why is she biting?" " Lily, why are you biting?" " She's not biting, she's teething." "On people." "All right, she starts biting her playdates, she's gonna be a pariah." " Try piranha." " Really, Cam?" "It was right there." "All right, you should also know that I, in no way... in no way blame you." " Thank you." "Why would you blame me?" " I don't." " Well, good, because I don't blame you." " Well, obviously." " Uh, okay, well, now I'm starting to feel the blame." " No." "No." "Don't." "It's- It's just that you're with her all day." "Oh, wow." "I have a daughter who bites and a partner who stings." "Okay." "Okay, you want to know the truth?" " Sometimes you send her some mixed signals." "I'm gonna bite your feet." "I'm gonna bite 'em right off." "Oh, I'm not the one who uses my teeth like a multi-tool." "Here we go." "Cookies for Lily... wine for us." "Okay." "I can't believe you would equate that" "Don't bite my head off." "I'm not a pack of batteries." " Whoa!" " ¡Ay!" " Why is this box here?" " I am sorry." "We did because we were moving the tables." "Why are you moving the tables?" " So the kids have more space to dance." "It's better this way." " Is it really, Gloria?" "Because right now it kinda just looks like a clump of tables and a big open space." "Look, I'm sorry, but we've always done it this way." "And I think it's gonna throw people off if you move them around." "Oh, my God." "These tables look great." "Who did this?" " I did." " I love it." "Hello." "We haven't been properly introduced." "I'm Gloria." "I'm Bethenny." "I don't know if anybody's ever told you this, but you're really pretty." "No." "No, Bethenny, no one's ever told her that." "I am seriously freaking out about these tables." "You know what?" "Let's just put a pin in where we're gonna put the tables." "Yes, we're keeping the tables." "So what else can I do?" " Um, you can... help me with the chairs." " Okay." "We need a lot of them." "They're under the stage right here, so" "It's like dirty and dark there, no?" "Yeah, I know." "Bummer, right?" "Ew!" " Off you go." " It smells funny, Claire!" "So sorry." "Keep going." "What?" "We needed chairs." "What are you guys talking about?" "No, nothing." "He was just saying how much he loves the tables." "If I had the receipt, I wouldn't need you to look it up." "At this rate, I'm gonna miss the first dance... at my wedding." "I thought he only had one item?" "Tell your dad if it were up to me, we'd have been in and out of here in about 10 minutes." " You mentioned that." " And I'll probably mention it again." " Because thanks to someone, we're gonna be here a while." " Yeah, I get it." " Luke, you should order that suit in a larger size" " I get it." " because by the time we get out of here" " Pay for the suit." " Where the hell are you going?" " Luke needs socks." "Make 'em teal." "You're playing a very dangerous game." "Hey, boys." "Look who it is, the guy that stole our parking spot." "Are you going to hit him?" "I'd totally hit him." "I'm not gonna hit him, but I'm gonna give him a piece of my mind." "Now, boys, pay attention." "You wanna be men?" "This is how you handle a jerk like this." "Hey, chief." " You know, you stole our parking space today." " What?" "That's right." "I was waiting for the parking space, you sneaked right in there." "That make you feel like a big man?" " Did I?" "I didn't even notice." " That's no excuse." "I'm really sorry." "My dog died today." "I had to put him to sleep." "Fourteen years." "He was all I had." "Now I can't stand the thought of going back to my empty apartment." " So I just keep wandering around the mall." " You know what?" "Forget about the... spot." "God!" "That was his name!" "Do not hit him." "Oasis for Men?" "That's funny." "You made that sound like a question, then you didn't wait for me to answer." " What?" " Here, let me show you." "You go" " You go, "Oasis for..." "Men?"" "You see what I mean?" "You went "Oasis for..." "Men?"" "You should have said, "Oasis for Men." Then I go, "Yeah." "Give me two."" "But instead, you went, "Oasis for..." "Men."" " Okay, I get it." " You see what I mean?" " I get it!" " No, I'm not sure you do!" "You sprayed before "men."" "You went "Oasis for..." "Men."" " Okay." "Okay." " Men." "Men." " Okay, stop it." " Men!" "Men!" " Men!" "Men!" "Men!" " Stop it!" " Men!" "Men!" "Men!" "Men!" "Men!" " Stop it!" "Stop it!" "Men!" "Men!" "Men!" "Men!" " Hey, Phil." " Hey." "I don't know what happened." "I just- l" " I don't know what happened." "Look, I might have come down on you a little bit hard today." "I'm sorry." "I remember pretending to go look for some socks." "I mean, it's, uh, my fault." "I pushed your buttons." "My father-in-law was the same way with me." "It was horrible." "Grandpa Lucus?" "He was a sweetheart." "Yeah, after the stroke mellowed him out good." "Before, an animal." "We named Luke after him." "Everything I did was wrong." "If I said it was white, he'd say it was black." "Although he never said anything was black, 'cause he was a pretty big racist." " I wear his watch." " I hated him." "Hated him!" "And I was thinking, I don't know..." "I don't want you to think the same way about me." "You ever think about maybe not being a jerk to me so much?" "You see, you got to stop taking that stuff personally." "I'm like that with everybody." "I'm tough." "And mean." "I don't like to take guff." " Or people's feelings into consideration." " Okay, okay." "I can't swear my way is the right way." "I see you smiling, skipping around... and I think sometimes, I don't know, maybe the boys would be better off... if they were a little bit more like you." "You know skipping burns more calories than running, that's" "We're done here." "Oh, hey, listen." "They didn't tell me, but what did you do to that guy?" "Did you get him?" " Yeah." "I sprayed him with cologne." " I'm sorry I asked." "No, but like a lot of cologne." "I just like got way up in there." "Good boy." " Did you find anything yet?" " Yes." "There's a whole section on biting on this mommy forum." "Oh, good." "What does it say?" ""My son was biting, so I got a stranger to yell at him." "Being disciplined by someone else outside the family scared him into stopping."" " Idiots!" " Cam." "I am not hiring some hobo to come over here and traumatize my child." "She's already prone to flashbacks, if you know what I mean." "Okay, you know she didn't fight in Vietnam, right?" "I don't know anything anymore." "What else does it say?" "Okay, well, this one says, "When my daughter bit her brother..." "I put a pinch of pepper in her mouth." "She cried and cried, but she never bit again." Smiley face." "Oh, well, the smiley face makes it okay." "I waterboarded our toddler." "LOL." "All right, what do you suggest we do?" "That we log off the Spanish Inquisition Web site and handle this with love." "Okay, Lily." "§ Take a bite of an apple §" "§ Take a bite of a pear §" "§ Take a bite of the cookie that you left over there §" "§ Here's one thing you should never do §" "§ Don't bite Taylor or Brandon or Sue §" "§ Because people aren't food People aren't food §" "§ Your friends will run away if they're scared of being chewed §" "§ And as a side note, private parts are private §§" "Well, problem solved." "I know you're being sarcastic, but you don't know that it's not." "Ow!" "Honey." " Did she just bite you again?" " No." " That is it." "I am getting the pepper." " No." "No, you are not." "Cam, you're not doing her any favors by being soft." "Why don't you just skip the pepper, I'll get some pliers and we'll pull her teeth now!" " Relax." "It's a seasoning." " Okay, well, then, why don't you try some?" " Stop it." " No, try a little." " Stop it." " No, try a little bit." " Stop it." " Don't you hit me." " Stop it." " Here, put some in there." "Ow!" "You bit me." "Well, why don't you sing me a song about it." "§§" "§§" "Oh, look at you two in your matching ties." " Don't get me started." " Oh, come here." " Luke, sweetie, are you wearing cologne?" " No." "Dad attacked the perfume guy and then hugged me." "Okay." "I saw the boys in those adorable little suits... and it made me realize this dance is about them." "It's not about me and my petty little competition with- with Gloria." "§§" "Who wears that to a kids' dance?" "I know." "She looks amazing." "Okay, I 'm gonna slow things down with a blast from the past for our chaperones." " Give them a hand." " §§" "Oh, my God." "Oh, it's not a problem." "§ Now I look into your eyes §" "§ I can see forever §" "§ The search is over §" " Oh." " § You were with me all the while §" "§§" "I 'm" " I 'm fine." "I 'm fine." "I 'm fine." " I don't need a paper towel." " I 'm sorry." "I didn't even see you." "No, of course you didn't." "Of course you didn't." "'Cause it's Gloria's night." "That's right." "It's all about Gloria, Gloria, Gloria." "When you're done getting married... maybe you could mop this up a little." "What was that?" "It's this damn uniform." "§§" " Okay, we need to talk." " No, I am fine." "I do not need to talk." "Well, you've been pushing me away the whole week." "You've been fighting all my ideas." "That's because this is my thing, Gloria." "Why can't it be my thing too, Claire?" "Because everything is your thing." "This" " This is the one thing that was my thing." "This is my only thing." "Oh, my God." "This is my only thing." "And then you come along and you steal my thunder... with your tight dresses and your great ideas." "I was the one that all the moms looked up to." "I was the only one Gus liked." "Please, if you like him so much, you can keep him." "It's not the same now that I know he likes you." "That sounds really insane, but this isn't actually about Gus." "Really?" "Because you've been talking a lot about him." "Gloria, Gus is a symbol." "A sex symbol?" "Oh, stop it, Gloria." "I'm already crying." "Claire, I didn't come here to steal your thunder." "Your thunder is your thunder and my thunder is my thunder." "I know." "It's just that God gave you so much thunder." "Yeah, maybe too much." "I hate how those woman look at me." "You think I don't know what they're thinking?" ""Ah, here comes the hot one... with the big boobies that is gonna steal my husband."" "And maybe they don't let their kids play with Manny." "I volunteer because I want them to see that there is so much more to me." "Why didn't you tell me that?" "Maybe for the same reason you didn't tell me you had a weird thing for Gus." " It's embarrassing." " Okay." "I am sorry." "I made this whole thing into some ridiculous competition... and I'm pathetic." "You're not pathetic." "Okay, that's a little bit sad." "We like to think we're so smart... and we have all the answers." "And we want to pass all that on to our children." "But if you scratch beneath the surface... you don 't have to dig very deep to find the kid you were." "Which is why it's kinda crazy that now we 're raising kids of our own." "You know what?" "This is a milestone." "We're accepting that our little angel isn't perfect." "That's right, and it's okay." "I" " I take it back." "She is perfect." "I guess that's the real circle of life." "Your parents faked their way through it... you fake your way through it... and hopefully you don't raise a serial killer." "Ow!" "That's not funny." "I am so sorry." "I am so sorry." "No, just come over." "We'll watch a movie, put the whole thing behind you." "Okay, see you in a bit." " That was Longines." "He's in a very bad place." " Oh, no." "What happened?" "Well, apparently some maniac went crazy at the mall... and attacked him with Oasis for Men." "Oh, well, I think we all knew that day was coming." "All right, wish me luck." "Good luck." "Okay, honey, please don't hurt daddy." "All right, ahh." "English" " US Dan4Jem, AD.MMXI.IX"