"To:" "Headquarters, Seoul, Commanding General." "From: 4077th MASH, Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake, Commanding Officer." "Subject:" "Weekly Activity Report and Personnel Record." "Period: 17 October, 22 October, inclusive, 1951." "17 October." "lncoming wounded unusually heavy." "All surgical personnel on full alert, working 24 hours." "Radar... would you toss me the keys to the linen room, please?" "Thanks, pal." "Among incoming surgical cases, one enemy prisoner, subheading "lnfantry", sub-subheading "Chinese Communist"." "Description of wound attached in schedule under "Wounds, Chinese, Communist"." "Details of incident in OR follow." "3-0 silk and the pickups." "You're new here." "Yes, sir." "Lieutenant Erika Johnson." "You're built very nicely for a lieutenant." "Gimme the suture." "I'm Hawkeye." "Help me with the suction here, OK?" "Mm, nice touch." "Beautiful eyes." "If you do windows, you're hired." " There's too much chatter in here!" " Forget it." "Just operate." " ls that what he's doing?" " I saw better surgeons at religious sacrifices." "I've never had any complaints from my patients." "How many talking horses are there?" " Got any plans for later?" " No." "More suction." "How about a cup of coffee?" "Go for a ride in an ambulance?" "OK." "Great." "Just my luck, under that mask, you don't have any teeth." "In that case, the date's off?" "Not necessarily." "I've been here a long time." "OK, this kid's all ready to go." "He's all retreaded." "Let's go." "Get him outta here." "You're gonna be OK, pal." "Come on, you got a new team here?" "Oh, boy, look what this guy's got." "Look at that." "What is this?" "Are we operating on Communists now?" "He's a wounded prisoner." "They brought him in with the last batch." "He's had 50 of Demerol." "Easy, Hawk." "The way they're brainwashed, he thinks we're gonna carve him up and eat him." "Bungchow." "That means peace and friendship." "All right, Gwen, let me see this other picture here." "He's got a small bullet wound in the rump." "Yeah." "Put him under." "In cases like this, an hour after you operate, you're hungry again." " Back on the table!" " Get away from him!" " Watch it, he's got a knife." " What's he gonna do?" "Careful." "All right." "Just stay calm, everybody." "Don't panic." "Calm down." "Nobody move." " Help!" "Guard!" "Mayday!" " Bungchow!" "Somebody grab him!" "Bungchow!" "Bungchow!" "There goes the lV!" "He's contaminated the whole field!" "And that's our last bottle of AB negative blood." "Nurse!" "Bungchow." "Oh, please, bungchow." "It's OK now." "No one's gonna hurt you." "No, no, just give..." "No, no." "No one's gonna hurt you." "Give me the knife, come on." "Gimme a sponge." "OK, kid, just relax, all right?" "Just take it easy now." "Just calm down." "It's all right." "What's all the hoo-ha?" "Are you crazy?" "You wrecked a $39 dress!" "Your people will pay for this!" "Father Mulcahy tried to calm prisoner by yelling "bungchow", thinking it was Chinese for "peace and friendship"." "Unfortunately it means "Your daughter's pregnancy brings much joy to our village."" "PW surgery completed by Captain Pierce." "Prisoner recaptured by Corporal Max Klinger, who sustained loss of personal property." "Please see Requisition Form S427J-9, requesting replacement of one brassiere, brand name "Miss High Rise", 36 B-cup." "I had that kid five minutes away from closing." "How could you let him grab a knife?" "It was a new experience for me." "My patients don't grab a knife until they see the bill." "He's going sour on me." "Temperature 102, vital signs all lousy." "The works." "I have every confidence in you, Dr Hackenbush." "Here." "I made you a nice cup of tea." "I don't feel like any." "You make it very hard for a guy to be a Gray Lady." "Chateau Hawkeye '51, a very good year." "A cheeky little wine - they call it "The Rascal of the Vineyards"." "Red or white?" "Hash for dinner." "I think red." "I'm bringing this to Erika's." "Just like you to poison an innocent girl." "How's she doin'?" "Fine." "He just winged her." "Superficial, but it should be good for a week in Tokyo." " Accompanied by her..." " Personal physician." "Cutting up a nurse is bad, but why did he have to louse up my patient?" "Ease off." "The guy was terrified out of his skull." "I'll tell that to the kid in bed six." "If I ever get him conscious again." "You do your part and I'll do mine." "Attention, Major Houlihan." "Your chest x-rays are ready, and they really came out beautiful." "Pierce!" "You saluted me." "We all have our bad days, Frank." "Mm." " What are you doing?" " I was, uh..." "Can't a guy have a wash and set without somebody biting him?" " Biting who?" " I was biting you." " No, you were biting me." " Klinger, what are you doing in here?" "Borrowin' your shampoo." "It's wartime." "We gotta help each other." "No, we don't!" "You get outta here, you pervert!" "Pervert?" "Who bit who, Major?" "Out!" "Out!" " Ooh!" " I've had enough of his shenanigans." "I'm gonna talk to Henry." "I want that freak out of this outfit and out of the US Army!" "Frank, you're so exciting when you get all riled up and decisive." " I am?" " Frank, would you like to bite the real thing?" "Ah." "That's really nice." "Thanks. ls this wine?" "You could call it that." "Just keep it away from open flames or living tissue." " I'm glad you're feeling better." " Just a bit throbby." " In a way, I'm not sorry it happened." " Come again?" "We can tell our kids "Your mother and I met at a stabbing."" ""We were introduced by a berserk Chinese Communist."" "What's the prognosis?" " I have bad news for you." " What?" "You have only ten seconds to kiss me." "Let's listen to the old heart, shall we?" " Listen, I gotta shove off." " But you just got here." "There's a lot of..." "I've got..." "There's some..." " What?" " A lot of sick people." "At ease, everybody." "Sit if you like." " Burns, you wanted to see me?" " Yes, it's important." " What's the problem, Frank?" " We have a situation that's way out of hand." " I've sent for Corporal Klinger." " Why do I want him?" "Because it directly concerns him." " Send for him now, Radar." " Yes, sir." " Go ahead, Frank." " Corporal Klinger must go." "He's a menace to the discipline of this military establishment." "That's a serious charge." "Get Klinger over here." "Yes, sir." " Colonel..." " Frank, please try to say something." "Even a gurgling sound would help." "You keep this up, and someone's gonna do an autopsy on you." "I've had it with that clown Klinger." "He's degraded all of us for the last time." "Corporal Klinger reporting, sir." " Please, sit down." " Thank you." "At ease." "OK, he's here." "Let's have it." "What's wrong with Klinger?" "What's wrong with Klinger?" "A soldier is in an evening gown, and you ask what's wrong?" "I'll admit, he's no Lana Turner." "I don't usually wear floor-length in the day." "This moron is bucking for a Section Eight discharge, and I want you to help him get it." "Bless you, sir." " Section Eight is a pretty drastic matter." " Believe me, I am drastic." "Colonel, we can always take it directly to the Adjutant General." "Acting on the complaint of Majors Burns and Houlihan," "Colonel Blake has requested psychiatrist from headquarters to determine if Corporal Klinger can be discharged under Section Eight." "Crazy people." " Did I tell you?" " What?" "I told you you'd pull that kid through, and you did." " I guess I'm a genius." " You're just too dumb to know it." "Fill 'er up, please." "Everything under the hood is OK." " I meant to ask, how's Erika?" " She's fine." " But I don't feel too good." "She's married." " Married?" "As in "I love you, but you never take me anywhere."" " Married." "It's a common illness." " What's the problem?" "I'lI have to junk a few fantasies, like walking off with her hand-in-hand in the sunset." "I thought you were gonna give her one of your dancing lessons without music." "So did I. Then all of a sudden everything changed, in mid-lechery." "Hey, look." "How many alternatives do you have?" "You can stay in there, or you can back off and start with somebody else." "You know, for a man with a slow leak in his head, sometimes you think pretty good." "Trapper." "The OR just sent me over." " What is it?" " Your patient's in big trouble." " Did they say what kind of trouble?" " lnternal bleeding, deep shock, like that." "I don't know." "Great little war we got here, huh?" "I can do without it." "19 October." "Number of incoming wounded decreased." "Captain Mclntyre's patient critical." "Chinese PW making post-op recovery." "Lieutenant Erika Johnson recuperating under personal supervision of Captain Pierce." "Under "personal" supervision of Captain Pierce." "Request by Colonel Blake for Section Eight evaluation of Cpl Klinger has been approved." "Major Milton Freedman, Divisional Medical Staff Psychiatrist, arrives tomorrow." " Yeah." " This way, sir." "He's bucking for psycho and giving everybody a swift pain in the butt." " The question is, should he have it?" " How do you feel about it?" "You're the doctor." "Radar!" "He's here, sir." "Corporal Klinger, this is Major Freedman, Divisional Psychiatrist." "Major, sir!" "You got me up here to ask me about him?" "About that?" "It really wasn't my idea." "All the way from Seoul to ask me what?" "Whether he needs a girdle under that?" "Whether his seams are straight?" "OK, OK." "It's all part of the war, I guess." " I have a few questions to ask you." "Sit down." " Yes, sir." "Now, what's your name, honey?" "Normal." "If you were any more normal, you'd be sick." "What is it?" " Why do I want to kiss your thermometer?" " Come on." "I never wanted to do that." "And I could have kissed thousands." " I did my residency in a big general hospital..." " Hawkeye, what's wrong?" "Us." "You, me." "Him." "You name it." "What am I doing?" "What am I doing?" " What am I doing?" " Whatever it is, I approve." "You're married, madam." "You're a married madam." " I am not married." " You mean your finger is just turning gold?" "That's my grandmother's." " You're not married?" " Never." "Move over, Lieutenant." " Was it that important?" " Even more than teeth." "Don't panic." "It's the generator again." " I wanna order the invitations." " You're moving fast." "Not really." "We'lI think it over, then get married when we're ready, like tomorrow." "It'll be a quiet ceremony." "Just the immediate family and the 8th Army." " I have a confession to make." " What?" "I never wanted to kiss your thermometer." "Captain Pierce, report to OR immediately." "Captain Pierce to OR." "I'll be right back." "Don't go anywhere." " Don't do anything." "Don't get married." " Don't worry." " So, what's the picture?" " I gotta go back in on the kid in bed six." "He's got an abscess." "High fever, secondary infection, elevated white count." " Bingo." " Yeah." "I tapped a gallon of pus out of him this afternoon." "Did no good." " All on account of that idiot with the knife." " You wanna hear some good news?" " You ready?" "Erika's not married." " Who?" "Erika." " You're working with a terminal bachelor." " Great." "How'd you like to be second-best man?" "You'lI have to shave." "All right, come on, let's go." "Mclntyre, wait." "What do you mean?" " When?" " A minute ago." "So you're doing OK, huh?" "Getting all that juice you need?" "Trapper." "Trap?" "That's not what we're about." " Read this." "Sign it." "You'lI have your wish." " What does it say?" "It says I've examined you and found you to be a transvestite and a homosexual." "For all I know, you may also have postnasal drip." " I ain't any of those." " You ain't Errol Flynn, either." " Where do you come off calling me that?" " I think I got the idea from your cleavage." "This will be on your record permanently." "From today you go through life on high heels." " Sign it." " The hell I will!" "I'm just crazy!" "All I want is a Section Eight!" "You know what you can do with this." "Hey, soldier." "You forgot your purse." " Hawkeye?" " Hey, Erika." "Come on in!" "Hey." "Ooh!" "So this is The Swamp." "Famous in song and story." "Haven't changed a thing since Valentino died." " You shaved this morning, didn't you?" " Right, and I'm gonna shave again later." " A drinky for the memsahib?" " Why not?" "From now on, I shave constantly." "Beards are for bachelors." "That's what I want to talk to you about." "It's all over camp that we're getting married." "We ought to talk about it before you start knitting things." "Be gentle with me." "I've never caught the bouquet before." "Quite honestly, Hawkeye, I have certain very definite doubts about marriage." "Now you tell me?" "After I shave?" "Quite honestly, it's just not in my plans." " I thought we had something." " We do." "Something strong." " So why superimpose marriage on it?" " It's been known to work." " Mom and Dad were married." " My parents were, too." "Marriage is the world's second-largest industry." "It's just not my favourite institution." "Just what I needed." "Their song." "Be honest." "Don't you think your wanting to get married is a war thing?" "No." "I'd love you in war and peace." "Or Moby Dick." "Any of the classics." "Wow, the boot is finally on the other foot." "You know how often I've told women there may be no tomorrow?" "There may not be." "I've got orders for Tokyo." "I'll be leaving in the morning." " No kiddin'." " No kiddin'." "If we can't have the marriage, how about a very short, intense engagement?" " Would you sign this, please, sir?" " Exactly what am I signing?" " This week's Activity and Personnel Report." " Didn't I sign it?" " That was last week." " Oh. ls it now already?" "Yes, sir." "Here, sir." " Can I read it?" " Yes, sir." "You never let me read anything I'm signing." "It's like you're trying to hide the war from me." " No, sir, no..." " I'll just be the judge of what's here." ""Chinese Communist prisoner berserk in OR, wounds Lieutenant Erika Johnson" " and contaminated one surgical case."" " Right, sir." ""Psycho examination..."" "".." "Corporal Klinger..."" "Did you see that little number Klinger wore this morning?" "The tight little green satin job?" " I must have missed it." " Boy, it was a head-snapper." "OK. "Lieutenant Johnson reassigned, Tokyo."" ""Dr Mclntyre lost patient due to complications, OR incident."" "Yes, sir." ""Wounded Chinese prisoner recovering."" " Well, every week can't be exciting." " No, sir." "OK." " There may be a golf ball in your office." " I'll find it." "Thank you." "Visiontext Subtitles:" "Tram Nguyen Zelniker" "ENGLISH"