" Hey, Amy." " Hi." " Let me get that for you, babe." " Thank you, Robert." "It's okay, Ray, I've got it." "You know, you get better-looking every day." "Can't wait till tomorrow." "Here you go." "You're killing me, man." "That smell." "You burned the popcorn again, didn't you?" "All right." "That's an easy one." "Now try and guess what I spilled." " Hi." " Hi, Marie." "What is that..." "Another dinner get away from you, dear?" " It's burned popcorn, Marie." " Popcorn for dinner." "How fun." "It wasn't for dinner and I didn't..." " Amy!" " Marie!" " Honey." " Hi." "Look, I'm wearing the pin." " It looks great on you." " Thanks." "And thank you so much for lunch yesterday." " Marie is such a lifesaver." " Oh, stop it." "A lifesaver?" " You brought me lunch at work." " It was nothing." ""It was nothing. " You made your own mustard." "You deserve it." "Will you look at my gals?" "I call them the "two musketeers. "" "That's stupid." "Okay." "Would you like to come and have a cup of coffee?" " Oh, great." " Okay." "Deb, wanna go get some coffee?" " No, I can't, I have..." " She has to take care of that smell." " Right this way, my ladies." " Thank you." "What the hell was that?" "Dad, what's the matter?" "What's the big emergency?" "I've got to fix the oven fan." "I need you and Robert to help me hold the vent hood." "That's the emergency?" "That's "get over here now"?" "You wanna help or not?" "Next time you better be in labor." "Ma wants to get the kitchen in good shape." "She's letting Amy cook dinner here Friday night." "You and Debra are cordially invited." "Wait a minute." "Mom's letting Amy use her kitchen?" "That's right." "I don't have to tell you what a big deal this is, do I?" "Because it's huge." "It's not huge, Robert." "Mom has never let anybody cook in her kitchen." "Nobody." "What's that supposed to mean?" "Nothing." "It's just, I'm excited for Amy." "And this is the first-year anniversary of us going out." "You know, Debra has cooked here, my friend." "No, she has not." " She has, too." " No, sir." " She has, too, you freak." " You're the freak!" "Dad!" "Has Ma ever let Debra cook in the kitchen?" "I'm not getting involved in your stupid argument." "Your mother likes Amy better than Debra." "End of story!" "Hold that up!" "Wait, wait." "Wait a minute." "Who told you that?" "Your mother!" "Don't go blabbing that." "She said it was a secret." "What does she mean, she likes her more?" "They're very close." "You know, they talk every day." " Every day?" "What about yesterday?" " Was yesterday a day?" "Every day." "For hours." "That's true." "Amy talks her out." "Marie sometimes goes days without having to say a word to me." "I love Amy." " Hey." " Hey." " Your dad okay?" " Yes." "Did you know that Amy's cooking a big dinner over there Friday?" " For their anniversary thing?" " Yeah." "Amy's cooking." "In my mom's kitchen." "You've cooked over there before, right?" "What, are you kidding me?" "Marie doesn't even like me cooking over here." "Can we turn the TV off, please?" "Does the TV always have to be on?" " What's wrong with you?" " Nothing!" " Can't we just talk?" " Okay, now you're scaring me." "You don't wish you could cook over there sometime?" "That wouldn't be fun?" "That might be the dumbest thing you ever said." "Give me the remote." "No." "No TV." "Come on, what are you doing?" "This is stupid." "It isn't stupid." "You give me..." "I don't care what your mom does with Amy, okay?" "No!" " Ray, I'm watching the TV..." " She likes Amy more than you!" " What?" " Yeah, that's what she told my dad." "She did?" "Yeah, so then he told me and Robert." "Oh, and don't go telling anybody, all right?" "It's a secret." "Okay, I won't." " Why do you care?" " I don't care." "Robert's the one who's acting a little cocky." ""Amy's cooking. "" "What is this, like some kind of competition between you two?" " No!" "What..." " Oh, my God, it is." "You can't stand it that your mommy likes Robbie's girl better than your girl." "I'm a little insulted by that." "You're insulted?" "I'm just this thing in your stupid sibling rivalry." " There's no rivalry." " Oh no?" "Robbie's got the better girl, Ray." "We're behind." "What are we gonna do?" "Where are you going?" "I've got a lot of work to do." "There's the evening gown competition... there's swimsuit competition..." "Oh, my God." "Talent competition." "What should I do?" "TwirI or sing?" "I know." "I'll do both." "One singularsensation" "Every little step she takes" "One thrilling combination" "Every move that she makes" "Idiot." "Nice." "Very nice." "Nice attitude." "Forget about Miss Congeniality, that's for sure." "I'm not an idiot." "Hi, Raymond." "Listen, on Friday, Amy's gonna cook..." " Yeah, I know." "Robert just told me." " Good." "So you'll be there?" "Oh, Robbie is so excited." " Yeah, that's nice for him." "Listen, Ma." " What?" "I wanna ask you something." "Sit down." "All right." " Why do you like Amy more than Debra?" " What?" " Yeah, Dad told me that you liked..." " He's lying." "Did you say that you like Amy more than Debra?" "I am not... saying that." "What?" "I am not saying... that I like Amy more than Debra." "I know." "I know you're not saying it now." "But did you say it, ever?" "What if I told you that we have a tape of you saying it, Ma?" "Give me the tape." " There is no tape." " Then you don't have any proof at all." "Wait, Mom." "Why did you tell Dad that?" "It was supposed to be a secret." "I'm never going to talk to that man again." "Why don't you like Debra?" "Honey, I love Debra." "It's just that Amy and I get along so well." "She's a very nice girl, you know." "So is Debra." "Debra's nice." " No, I don't mean "nice" like that." " Then what?" "I mean, Amy is very nice... and very good." "She's a very good girl." "So is Debra." "No." "Good." "Pure." "Pure?" "Wait." "Wait, what?" "Pure, as in, Amy has never..." "I was supposed to keep that a secret." "What?" "Amy is a good girl?" "But she's 33 years old, Ma." "She can't be." "She can't?" " I mean, yeah, she can, but how?" "It's so..." " Refreshing?" "Wow, I don't believe it." "So Amy's never let anybody cook in her kitchen, either." "I don't like that, Raymond." "Wait a minute." "Why is Amy's "goodness" such a big deal?" "Because it tells me about her character." "The kind of person she is." "See, I think Robert is very lucky to find a girl like that." " How do you know that I wasn't lucky, too?" " What are you saying?" "How do you know that Debra wasn't..." "You know, when we got married?" "You mean, Debra was a good girl?" "Listen, my mom was just here and we were talking... and it hit me." "I was being competitive about Amy, Robert, and my mom, and..." " I'm sorry." "Really sorry." " All right." "I mean, you know, who cares what your mom thinks?" "You're right." "You are." "You're right." "In fact, you should hear the reason... why she likes Amy more than you." " Oh, man." "She's nuts, that lady." " Why?" "What did she say?" "First of all, did you know that Amy has never..." "She's saving up for later." "That's supposed to be a secret." "Who told you that?" " My mom." " She did?" "Yeah." "Can you believe it?" "That's it." "That's her whole reason." " Because Amy's a..." " Good girl." "That's what she's calling her, a good girl." "Oh, my God." "It's so shallow." "What can I do?" "I can't exactly compete with Amy in that department." "Can't un-ring a bell." "You know what I did?" "I told my mother that you were a good girl, too." "What did you..." "Well, how does she think we got the kids?" "I meant before, you know, before we got married." "You can stop laughing now, Ray." "I don't want to." "Hi." "What, did you get lost?" "I'm starving here." "The babysitter just got there." "Yeah, yeah, let's get going." "Appetizers, Marie." "Welcome to La Cucina di Amy." "May I take your coats?" "I got it, Robert." " Hi, Raymond." " Hi." "Oh, Debra." "I'm so glad you're here." "Come on." "I need your opinion on this sauce." " Really?" " Yes, of course." "Yeah, tastes good." "What's your secret?" "Extra-virgin olive oil?" "All right now." "You boys take the appetizers and get out of here now." "And let us finish in here." "Okay, all right." "Come on, Debra." "Let's go." "No, no." "I want Debra to stay and help me with the salad." " Love your haircut, Deb." " Thanks." "Yeah, it's very good." "Oh, well, you know me, good hair for a good girl." "Yeah, I wanna look good, wanna be good." "Good, good, good." "Okay, let's get going." "Let's let Amy and Mom finish up." "No, no." "No, it's Amy's dinner, you know, and we wouldn't want to ruin it." " Are you happy now?" " No." " Why?" "Your mom likes me." " I'm sorry." "Hey, Ray, try one of these garlic rounds." "Amy made them." " Dinner will be ready in just a few minutes." " Thank God!" "Isn't this fun?" "You know what, Debra?" "You and I should make a big meal for the family together." "How long has it been?" "Oh, gosh, pretty long." "Let's see..." "Never." "No!" " Never?" " No." " We just have to do it." " That's okay." " No." "We'll have lots of fun." " It's okay, Marie." "You know what?" "You can make your lemon chicken." "I love that." " All right, stop it, Ma." "Just stop it." " What?" "Stop being nice to Debra!" "Don't bother, Ray." "This is crazy." "She can't keep treating you like this." "I shouldn't be nice?" "You're being nice for the wrong reasons." "You know she can't cook." "And what I said about Debra, I lied, okay?" "I lied." "What do you mean?" "Debra wasn't a good girl when we got married." "What do you mean, "a good girl"?" "Go ahead, Ray." "Tell them." "Oh, you weren't a good girl." "Gotcha." "So who cares about the cooking?" "Why would you lie to me, Raymond?" "Because of you." "You care so much about who's a good girl and who's not." "You started this whole competition between Debra and Amy." "Here we go." "What competition?" "Don't worry." "You win." "And if I'm following this right... you lose." "What are you guys talking about?" "You weren't supposed to say anything." "And that's why you like Amy better?" "'Cause she hasn't been around the block?" "Why didn't you tell me that?" "It was a secret, Frank!" "Yes." "It was a secret." "What did you tell Marie that for?" " I didn't tell Marie." " Well, I didn't tell her." "Robert?" "I'm sorry." "I haven't been paying attention." "All right." "Let me fill you in." "We just found out that you told Mom..." "Okay, Raymond, I'm up to speed." "How come you told your mother about Amy?" "You didn't tell me." "You didn't ask." "You asked?" "I care about people." "Marie, why would you ask that about me?" "You know, I can explain it." "Run." "Just run and keep running." "Robert, why would you tell your mother that?" "So she'd like you better." "You're worse." "You lied so she'd like me better." "A lie of love." "Oh, God." "I keep forgetting what a freak show this family is... until somebody new comes in and looks at us like that." "I remember that look." "That used to be me." "And now I'm one of them." " I take exception to that, Debra." " I take exception to what you think, Marie." "You think just because you were a good girl in the '50s..." ""Good girl"!" " Oh, God, no!" " Oh, Mom." "What are you talking about?" "Is that true, Marie?" "I..." "Go ahead, Marie." "I won't tell anyone." "Okay, yes!" "Frank and I succumbed to temptation once." "Just once before we were married." "I was weak... and I fell for your father's boyish good looks." "That was a long time ago." "I knew we shouldn't do what we did... but we were in love." "Right, Frank?" "I wanted sex." "It was a long time ago." "So, it was just the once, and then you got married?" "It was just the once, and then we had to get married." "Frank, no!" ""Had to get married"?" "Wait a minute." "So, Robert's..." "What?" "All right." "It's true." "We got married... after I found out I was pregnant." "And then Robbie came along seven months later." "Our plan was to tell people he was two months premature." "Then he was born." "Try passing off a 12-pound baby as premature." "Try passing it, period." "All right." "Wait a minute." "It's nine months, right?" "You were married in September and my birthday's in June." "That's when we told you your birthday was." "What?" "It was easier that way, Robbie." "Oh, well, as long as it was easy!" "Well, there you go, Raymond." "You were conceived legitimately." "You win again." "Come on, Robert, there's no winning." "Well, I guess I should know..." " when is my real birthday?" " april 6." "That's today." "Surprise." "Happy birthday to you" "Happy birthday to you" "Happy birthday, dear Robert" "Happy birthday to you" " Happy birthday." " Thanks." "How old am I now?"