"Minister, there's something in the press you should see." "About me?" "I'm afraid it's in Private Eye." "Private Eye?" "Yes..." "They're exposing something." "Not that character reference I gave for Dr Savundra?" "That party at Poulson's?" "I didn't know about those." "No, that's the thing they make up in that little rag" "What is it?" "Perhaps you'd better read it." "Good God Frightful, isn't it?" "May I come in, Minister?" "Listen to this." "What's that?" "Oh, Private Eye?" "Splendid" ""The saga of the top secret Guthrie Report," ""revealed to the Eye last week embarrass Ministers." ""one of the present Cabinet subjected to phone-tapping," ""bugging and 24-hour surveillance while in opposition" ""was none other than the egregious Jim Hacker. "" "What's "egregious" mean?" "I think it means "outstanding"." "Oh...?" "In one way or another." ""..." "Jim Hacker, whose department administers 23,000 other administrators." "Ironically, it is egregious Jim's department now responsible for supplying government's computerised bugging equipment" "Presumably, this makes him the government's chief bugger" "Wonderful" "Is this true?" "Which, Minister?" "I was under surveillance and am now responsible for bugging" "Surely, you don't believe what you read in that squalid little rag." "Never mind." "Is it true?" "Don't take it too seriously." "Well, I do This says I was under total surveillance." "An MP and free citizen It cuts at the very heart of democracy" "It contravenes human rights." "Oh, yes..." "Surveillance is indispensable against organised crime." "You're not describing politicians as organised crime?" "Disorganised crime, too, of course" "Humphrey I once wrote a leader on this as editor of Reform and started a petition against bureaucratic busybodies, bugging and phone-tapping." "Now I learn from Private Eye, Humphrey, not from you, that I'm responsible for it, and you never told me." "You didn't ask." "Thank God for a free press and for one fearless journal" "You said it was a squalid rag." "Sharpen up your antennae." "Learn to adapt more flexibly to a developing situation." "I see." "I'm sorry." "Where are the transcripts of these bugged conversations?" "They were put into a report." "Who got these reports?" "The Home Secretary gets them." "Gets them?" "Gets them?" "Not about you, Minister." "Not now." "Now he'll be getting reports about Her Majesty's opposition." "Who gives them to him?" "Ml5, presumably." "You seem very calm about all this." "Yes, Minister." "I think it's horrifying, a distinguished citizen - if I may say so, an extremely distinguished British citizen - who's given his life's service to his country, finds these bureaucrats have listened to his every word." "All his phone calls." "His rows with his wife and daughter." "His private arrangements with his accountant Not that I.." "No, quite so." "Well, why, Humphrey?" "Why surveillance or why you?" "Both" "It's the same answer." "Why split it into two questions?" "Or the University of Sussex!" "I didn't want to risk answering a question you weren't asking." "I'm asking you now." "Why was I under surveillance?" "The Master thinks the pictures mayfetch?" "030,000." "It's perfectly obvious." "Do you mind?" "Before the election, it was rumoured" "The pictures and silver together you'd be appointed Defence Secretary." "might just pay the mortgage interest." "So?" "Dear, oh, dear!" "If the PM was giving you defence, in the national interest," "Orwe could get the Government to treat us as an exception." "that Ml5 must be satisfied you weren't a security risk." "Interestingly, Humphrey, it seems to be your Minister who has the authority." "My privacy was invaded Better than your country, Minister." "Have you ever been under surveillance?" "Me, Minister?" "You." "Howmight one persuade aMinister of the importance of Baillie College?" "I'm a civil servant" "Why not get him down to a High Table dinner?" "So were Burgess and MacLean." "Oh, well..." "And Philby" "Is he of the intellectual calibre to understand our case?" "They weren't Permanent Secretaries." "One becomes a Permanent Secretary after a life of reliability and integrity" "It's intelligible to anyone" "The rigorous selection procedures winnow out all with the intellectual calibre of Winnie the Pooh!" "but the most upright and honourable public servants." "Quite!" "And Hacker is of the intellectual calibre of Winnie the Pooh?" "And what about Ministers?" "They have many dazzling qualities" "Including...?" "Oh, yes!" "On his day." "Enviable intellectual suppleness and moral manoeuvrability." "Morning, Minister." "Morning, Humphrey." "What are you trying to say?" "Two things, Minister." "Firstly, the departmental recommendations for the honours list." "You can't trust them Not you, of course, Minister." "Ministers, unlike civil servants, are selected at random" "The honours list again!" "Yes, Minister." "by prime ministerial whim," "Let's leave that for the moment." "We can't leave it, Minister." "in recognition of dubious services rendered," "It's getting nearthe five weeks." "Five weeks?" "or to avoid appointing someone of real ability." "All recipients are notified five weeks before." "It gives them time to refuse." "Not you, Minister You certainly are to be trusted." "When did a civil servant last refuse an honour?" "You might almost be a civil servant yourself" "Somebody in the Treasury refused a knigh thood." "Is that a compliment?" "Indeed." "The ultimate compliment." "When?" "I think itwas 1496." "Why?" "He'd already got one." "Would you trust every Cabinet colleague" "Lf you've approved the list..." "Humphrey... never to betray a confidence?" "And all the opposition front bench?" "You must be joking" "You were in the opposition at the time." "Be that as it may, I have decided I'm going to stop it." "This is a Home Office matter." "I'll make it harder." "If I'm responsible for bugging, I want democratic safeguards" "Are you suggest that people won't be put under surveillance until they've signed a form agreeing to it?" "No, we'll have a select committee to vet every application, no surveillance to last over two weeks without application" "Will you set the wheels in motion, please, Humphrey?" "Very well, Minister." "Bernard, send a minute to each Cabinet member." "I'll plant a question for a backbencher to ask." "Can you assure us no colleagues have been under surveillance?" "That should shake him." "It certainly will." "Ask Walter Fowler of the Express to meet me for a drink." "What for, Minister?" "First law of political indiscretion:" "Always have a drink before you leak." "You're in no dangerof the sack." "In industry, you get the boot." "In the civil service, if you screw up, I get the boot!" "Very droll, Minister." "The list..." "No, Humphrey." "I'll not approve any honour to any civil servant who hasn't earned it." "Will it make a story?" "Yes." ""Minister fights for phone-tap safeguard. " Yes" "What do you mean, "earned it"?" "I mean "earned it"." "Where will they run it?" "High up on the home news page." "Done something to deserve it." "But that's unheard of!" "Not on page one?" "Can I attribute it?" "My new policy is to withhold all honours from civil servants" ""Minister speaks out"?" "No, no, no." "Where did I get the story?" "I can't say Officially announced" ""Government spokesman"?" "How about, "Sources close to Minister"?" "Hold on, I don't want everybody to know I told you" "Couldn't you do, "Speculation is growing in Westminster"?" "A bit weak." ""Unofficial spokesman"?" "Used that twice this week already" "The Cabinet's leaking like a sieve, isn't it?" "Attribute it to a leading member of the sieve..." "Cabinet?" "No..." "How would you like to be "an informed source"?" "OK. "Informed source. "" "Quite a joke, isn't it, describing someone as "informed"" "when his Permanent Secretary is Sir Humphrey Appleby?" "Everything we said on the phone, recorded and transcribed." "It's humiliating It is a little humiliating." "That Ml5 know you talk at home as you talk in public." "Gross product, borrowing requirements, draft agendas..." "I didn't mean that I meant our private talk." "I hadn't thought of that... "Got the car keys?"" ""I thought you had them" That'll bring the government down" "You're not taking it seriously." "What gives you that idea?" "They might've heard what we said... in bed" "Ahem..." "I don't want to hear about it." "I must say one more thing on this matter." "Very well." "Be brief." "Special Branch have found your name on a death list." "That has no bearing on the situation." "What?" "Special Branch have found your name on a death list." "A death list...?" "An assassination." "I know what you mean by death list, but what do you mean?" "I don't think I can put it any more clearly, Minister." "To put it absolutely bluntly, investigations have proved the existence of documents whose provenance is unestablished but whose effect would be to precipitate a bye-election." "What do you mean?" "You're on a death list, Minister." "Who and why?" "The International Freedom Army, a new urban guerrilla group." "What've they got against me?" "As you may recall, there have been rumours of a Cabinet reshuffle, and your name was linked with the Ministry of Defence." "Who can they be?" "An Irish splinter group?" "Baader-Meinhof PLO or Black September or home-grown loonies" "Anarchists, Maoists, Libyans," "Iranians or the Italian Red Brigade, for all we know." "All connected. it could be a group of freelance killers" "Special Branch don't know where to start." "The list isn't just me?" "Not just you, Minister." "There must be hundreds on..." "Just three." "Just three." "Yes?" "Commander Forest of Special Branch." "Shall I...?" "Please do." "The Home Secretary wants detectives to protect you." "This man will inform you." "Detectives?" "They can't protect you against the assassin's bullet" "But they can determine the assassin is brought to trial." "After the victim has been gunned down, of course." "Commander Forest of Special Branch." "Morning, Commander." "Morning, sir." "Sit down." "Thank you." "You've been told about this list, sir?" "List?" "What list?" "Oh, list, yes." "I'll brief you on the standard hazards and precautions." "Thank you, Bernard." "Do I have to take it seriously?" "In a sense, that's up to you." "We advise..." "Most people in a frightful funk, but it's all in work" "I admire your courage, sir." "Thank you." "Right, well..." "Shoot." "I mean..." "Assassination hazards fall into four categories:" "Bullets, bombs, poisons and so-called accidents." "There's also gassing, throttling, stabbing, drowning, garrotting and ritual disembowelling are uncommon in the UK." "All right, then." "Start with bullets." "There's your assassin on a tall building or in a car, your killer in a crowd and phut" "There's the unexpected house caller your marksman in a van, and the revolver through your car window." "So avoid crowds and keep away from windows." "could I suggest bullet-proof curtains for the office?" "Bullet-proof By lunchtime, sir." "We'll fit them in your London flat when we do the place over." "Do it over?" "The usual locks, security alarms." "24-hour patrols by local staff, phone taps." "Just the usual?" "You'll have bodyguards round the clock." "Never answer your door in person, keep car windows locked." "Never draw up by the pavement at lights." "You don't want a terrorist to jump in" "No." "Course not" "If he draws his car in front of yours, sweep it aside," "Bombs Car bombs you know, but never open letters." "For the time being, we'll re-direct them." "Now, poisons..." "Be suspicious of gifts of food, chocolates." "Check the milk bottle every morning for hypodermic holes" "Don't forget the poisoned umbrella jabbed into the calf." "Now... accidents." "Never walk along pavements, rivers, railway platforms." "We don't want to make it too easy for them." "Especially the electric railway so avoid the Tube." "Electrocution... another favourite." "A little tinkering with the telly, toaster electric blanket and Bob's your uncle" "Your late uncle." "They have to be checked." "Any questions?" "Good Here's your list of standard safety precautions." "I'll be in touch." "Thank you, Commander." "If you're pushed out of a window with railings underneath, try and land on your head." "Quicker" "how do we find these terrorists before they find me?" "Phone tapping and surveillance of suspects is the best way, but it does incur intrusion on individual privacy." "On the other hand... the people's representatives must represent the people." "Any threat to them is a threat against democracy, isn't it?" "How?" "These threats constitute an attack on the people's inalienable democratic right to have leaders of their choice who must be protected by every possible means no matter how much we regret the necessity for doing so." "Beautifully argued, Minister." "My view exactly." "Or else you're a dead duck." "Good God What's that?" "The petition's arrived." "Petition?" "Against phone tapping and surveillance." "The one you started in opposition. 2.25 million signatures." "But we need surveillance" "It's an essential weapon in our fight against crime, right?" "I couldn't have put it better myself." "I see." "Shall I file it?" "Shred it No one must find it." "In that case, I think it's best I file it." "Great way to spend a second honeymoon" "Table for...?" "Eight Two." "I've a nice table by the window." "We've chosen the target's table." "Target?" "Sorry, Minister." "Over there by the kitchen door." "You sit here, sir." "Ross will be watching the kitchen door, your escape route." "Not expecting assassins here since we only bookedmorning." "If you hear gunshots, get under the table." "I'm not really worried." "It was just a champagne cork, darling." "Just practising." "I'll have spaghetti bolognaise, then T-bone steak, peas, beans, cauliflower and chips, and a bottle of Ch鈚eau Baron Philippe de Rothschild 1961." "Takes it out of you, this job." "Beautiful, isn't it?" "Beautiful." "Quiet and peaceful." "Lovely to get away from it all." "Lovely." "This all right for you?" "Lovely." "Not James Bond?" "I thought it was "Belle du Jour"." "Yes, but they didn't want to see a foreign film." "I can't stand this." "Target in there now?" "Yeah, with his wife." "They going out again?" "Nah, turned in for the night." "They don't seem to be enjoying the holiday." "Wonder why...?" "I can't sleep here." "I'm going home." "What the hell's all this?" "Local force, sir, showing they're doing their bit." "Come in." "Oh, you're in" "May I just check the windows?" "Go ahead." "Thank you." "Goodnight, sir." "Sleep well." "Don't worry." "You'll get used to being a famous man's wife." "I hope so." "I don't want to be a famous man's widow" "But..." "I don't follow." "You want to stop phone tapping, you get this petition of 2.25 million signatures and you won't even give me a quote saying you welcome it." "A promise to implement its recommendations?" "It's not that simple." "Why not?" "There are security implications." "There always were." "I'll make a bigger story:" "Minister rejects his own petition" "Now, hold on I..." "Are you accepting it or rejecting it?" "No." "My editor asks if being on this death list has altered your views on phone tapping." "Heavens What an extraordinary idea" "So why this change of tune?" "No change of tune." "Can Sir Humphrey see you?" "Humphrey What can I do for you?" "Excuse us." "Won't be a minute." "I'll wait out there." "Good weekend?" "Marvellous." "Me, Annie and half of Special Branch." "Rozzers with guns." "Unforgettable The burdens of office" "This can't go on." "You said it It isn't going to." "Special Branch is withdrawing your protection." "Wait a minute I didn't mean..." "Why?" "They've suffered an acute personnel establishment shortfall." "They're what?" "Short-staffed." "No more protection." "Short-staffed?" "There's a threat to the Soviet premier at Chequers." "But he's Russian, I'm British In fact," "They believe the threat to your life has diminished." "How do they know?" "Surveillance of a conversation." "What did it say?" "It's of no..." "I've a right to know." "Well, it was to the effect that, in view of the nebulous and inexplicit nature of your remit, arguably peripheral nature of your influence on decisions within the political process, there could be a case for restructuring their action priorities" "so as to eliminate your liquidation from their agenda." "They said that?" "That was the gist of it." "What's it mean in English?" "It means that they don't think you're important enough for it to be worth assassinating you." "Oh" "I don't agree, of course." "You mean...?" "What?" "They should assassinate me?" "No, no, no" "I'm not important enough?" "No, no..." "I mean you are important enough, but they shouldn't assassinate you anyway." "That's marvellous." "Not that I was ever worried." "Mr Fowler's waiting." "Yes, bring him in." "Have we still got that petition?" "If so, show Mr Fowler." "The petition?" "But you said..." "Yes, I did, but bring it in." "Antennae, Bernard." "Yes Yes, indeed." "The petition you were pleased...?" "That's right." "God" "The paper must have an answer." "Of course." "I want you to know I welcome this petition warmly" "It's not the sort of thing you can sweep under the carpet" "As for death lists, well, Ministers are dispensable, but freedom is indivisible, right, Humphrey?" "Yes, Minister."