"Hi, Child Services." "'You've taken my five kids into care." "Can you take the rabbit as well?" "'" "BEEP 'I love my baby." "I love my boyfriend more." "'And he hates the baby.' 'It ain't even mine.'" "'My mum... my mum won't get up." "'I don't know why." "She's just asleep.'" "This programme contains strong language and adult humour." "BEEP 'Hi." "The kids next door just shat on the patio." "'Yeah, it stinks." "'My mum said it was the dog but their dog's tiny." "'Yeah, it's smaller than some of the shits.'" "Hello, children's services." "'Hello, um, so, basically, last week, I had a problem with...'" "Shit, this didn't shut down last night." "Error code 993C." "Yeah, I performed an unauthorised shut down." "What are you going to do about it, fuckface?" "May I offer my current favourite insult, cock knocker?" "OK, someone must have spiked my cappuccino in Caffe Nero because it is 8:45am and I'm hallucinating Rose." "Fuck off, cock knocker." "I do get here on time sometimes." "No, the only time you got here on time was when you forgot to put the clocks back." "Everyone!" "ALL: ♪ I believe in miracles" "♪ Since you came along" "♪ You've mugged your cluster team manager... ♪" "Aren't you going to say "sexy" any time?" "No, because that would constitute harassment in the workplace." "Oh, no." "Look at that." "It's so long since you've been on time, the party poppers have disintegrated." "Sorry for not joining in but I didn't learn the lyrics, cos I never thought we'd have reason to sing it." "I would imagine you've got a terrible singing voice, Nitin." "Based on what?" "Your speaking voice." "Anyway, are you going to get me a cuppa to make up for it?" "No, I'm not going back in that kitchen without a hazmat suit." "Didn't have you down as the designer-label type." "A hazmat suit, Nat, protects you against hazardous materials." "Should we all have them?" "No." "So why do you need one?" "I think what Nat is exploring, in a roundabout way, perhaps not even consciously, is that you may be exaggerating the state of the kitchen." "I think Nat has made a fair assumption." "I mean, you do love a man-made fibre, don't you?" "You could walk through a nuclear reactor in those trousers and just wipe them clean." "If I was still in uniform, I would declare that kitchen a crime scene." "I would rather drink the contents of a urinal than the fluid at the bottom of the vegetable drawer." "Yeah, or you could just drink neither." "Rose, it's Lee." "I don't want to talk to him." "I'm afraid she's busy right now, but you can try her on her mobile." "Nat, what part of "I don't want to talk to him"" "says, "Try her on her mobile"?" "Sorry!" "Oh, piss off." "Just drop the call." "I don't know what you mean." "I don't know how to express it in simpler terms." "Still sour?" "Generally, yes." "About him having another women?" "Couldn't give a shit." "So we're not going to do anything, then, about the kitchen?" "We're just going to sit and talk about Rose's ex-husband." "Well, what do you suggest we do about it?" "If a member of a client family had a kitchen like this, we'd declare it unfit for human habitation and we'd order a section 17." "Quite right, so why don't YOU go and tidy it up?" "Unless you're ringing to tell me you've got terminal cancer, please fuck off." "Oops, sorry, Rani." "No, I thought you were Lee." "I know it's complicated." "What am I talking about?" "It's not complicated at all." "He's living with someone else, right, and I was the last to know." "What, now?" "Why?" "OK, OK." "All right, I'll try and move some stuff around." "OK." "See you in a little bit." "Bye." "Dear." "A friend of mine is freaking out about some sort of relationship going on between a pupil and a teacher at her daughter's school." "Why don't teachers learn the basic rule?" "Don't fuck the kids." "So you're going, then?" "Well, it feels a bit weird being here this time of the day." "I thought I'd go and see her, and then come back at my usual time." "That's convenient, so you don't have to clean the kitchen." "I do enough bloody cleaning at home." "Implying that I don't?" "That's sexist." "I'm sure you spend a lot of time at home cleaning sperm off walls." "Implying I'm gay?" "That's homophobic." "No, implying that you masturbate alone in an unfurnished flat." "Why don't we all just write names down on a bit of paper and then draw them out of a mug?" "There's no clean mugs, Al, so..." "Ah, yeah, but we could use this." "No, don't..." "OK, I want that back when we're done, because I'm not being pen-jacked." "Just write a name down." "You are going to have to talk to Lee at some point." "You do know that, don't you?" "I can't do that right now without using the word shitface bollock brain." "Well, then, what's the problem with him moving on, then?" "Because I need to know what I can tell the kids." "Is she a permanent fixture, or is she just using him for sex?" "No, that's not right." "I used to have to lay a trail of Pringles to the bedroom to get any action." "Right, let's draw." "Drumroll, please." "Thank you." "Nitin!" "Nitin." "What?" "It's you." "Right, I'm off, then." "That's not how it works, though, is it?" "You've got to keep drawing out the mug until the last one's left, and then that's the person that does it." "It's your turn, so get on with it." "Well, I can't, I'm busy." "So..." "What you doing?" "I'm..." "I'm doing 15 NGTs to begin with, so..." "Well, I'll swap with you, if you like, cos I've got a 10am visit with the Campbells." "Is that the parents with learning difficulties?" "Mm-hm." "No, I get impatient with them." "I feel guilty, end up staying longer than I should to make up for it, which then annoys me more." "I think you might not be temperamentally suited for this job." "Hi, Katy." "It's Al." "From Children's Services." "Just come to see how you're doing." "Really well, thanks." "Dave's just feeding Saffron." "Oh, that's good." "You're sharing out the tasks." "Yeah." "Men can't do breast-feeding." "They don't have tits." "He can do food, though." "Well, it's easier once they start weaning." "Weaning means giving them solids." "I know." "Of course, sorry." "So how are you sleeping?" "Um, not great." "She wakes up a couple of times still." "Mm, yeah, I'm afraid that's normal." "You've got kids?" "No." "How do you know, then?" "Well, you know, pick a few things up." "Hello, gorgeous." "Look at those gorgeous eyes." "You're making me broody." "Have you got the red book?" "I just want to check on her percentiles, you know, height and weight." "That's all fine." "She's a good eater." "Yeah, I can see that." "What are you giving her?" "Fish food." "Oh, I don't think you should be doing that." "It's not real fish food." "It's ice cream!" "Oh!" "It's a bit early for..." "No, I mean early as in she's a bit young." "She loves it." "Yeah, I'm sure she does, but it's a lot of sugar for her." "It's just like cold milk, isn't it?" "Well, you should really be warming the milk up." "I know." "Oh, milkshake!" "You don't give her milk shakes?" "Only as a special treat." "Please don't say for finishing all her vindaloo!" "You can't give a baby curry, Al." "No, I was joking." "I'm really not sure we should be taking advice from you." "Neither am I!" "Denise, good to see you." "I learned so much just from watching you." "I'm only here cos my kettle's on the blink." "Though it would probably be safer to make my tea using the hot tap in the toilet." "Yes, well, once I'm done, you won't recognise the place." "Aren't you supposed to be finding me people to sack?" "Why are you doing this?" "Yes, well, my name was called, so I stepped up." "I'm a team player." "I'll do your dirty work - literally." "Are you offering to come and clean my house?" "No, obviously." "No, but, er, unless you want me to." "But I, you know, yeah, it's probably crossing the boundary from professional to personal if I come to your house, so..." "But if you - if you want that, you can use me however you like." "Whenever you're free, I can be free." "To... to... to do that." "I'm going to go, Nitin." "This whole conversation has very strange overtones." "But you being in here had better not be dropping our call response targets." "My average handling time and my average speed of answer rates are off the scale." "You should probably check my blood for midi-chlorians." "What?" "It's a Star Wars reference." "Midi-chlorians indicate heightened force power." "Mmm." "Thanks for coming by so quick." "Any excuse to get out of the office." "What's happened?" "Priya's been keen on this boy at school." "It's been on and off." "I can't keep up with it but apparently, now it's off, because he's been sleeping with a teacher." "According to Priya and her friends." "And Priya told you this, did she?" "Well, not exactly." "I logged onto her Facebook chats." "When she's asleep, I get her phone and see what she's been saying - to check it's hormones and not drugs or grooming." "That's like reading someone's diary." "You shouldn't really be doing that." "Look, apparently, Dan, this boy she likes, was seen kissing Miss Ronson in the car park." "One of the girls saw condoms in Miss Ronson's bag." "And how old is this Dan?" "15 or 16." "That could be statutory rape as well as massively unethical." "We don't know that they slept together." "Rans, why are you backtracking?" "It sounds really serious and illegal." "It IS illegal!" "I mean, it's child abuse." "You've got about 12 call-backs to make." "Right." "They're on your desk but off the top of my head, there's a woman who found a massive knife in her son's room and..." "Could you just give me a moment?" "I just want to log a report first." "Nothing bad?" "Look, can you not use post-it notes for messages?" "I thought this way, I could colour-code things." "Well, what do the colours mean?" "Well, red is urgent." "This is an enquiry about school holiday dates." "Yeah, they need to book a flight now before the cheap ones go." "What's this yellow one?" "Kids on Redfern estate trying to put a banger up a cat's arse?" "Oh, that should be red, cos it made me cross." "I don't know why that's yellow." "But that is police or fire brigade or RSPCA." "Well, you should be happy there's nothing for you to do." "Yeah, but I'm just concerned about all the important things that I should be getting that you're sending Christ knows where." "I'm doing my best." "Oh, great." "That's even more depressing." "So this is the best it gets, is it?" "Ie, a bit shit." "I've had a really tough morning." "What, choosing post-it colours?" "No, someone I care about has died." "Oh, shit." "I'm sorry." "I didn't know." "It's fine." "It's not fine, actually." "Sorry." "You look ridiculous!" "It was either this or the pipe." "What're you out here for?" "I'm hiding." "I was a bit short with Nat." "Oh, relax." "I mean, I have to restrain myself twice a day from happy slapping her." "Oh, I was in a bad mood, anyway." "I saw this family this morning, reminded me of Caitlin." "Why, was the woman an undermining cow?" "Give us a drag." "No, it's just normally the things we see in this job put you off bringing kinds into the world, but this family were so sweet and caring and..." "They were getting a few things wrong, but the kid was gorgeous..." "I dunno, I just thought I would've had kids by now with someone." "Shouldn't we be getting in?" "Hm." "Any update on the teacher?" "I'm sure it's just the kids gossiping on Facebook." "Can't ignore it." "What if it's true and we did nothing?" "I'll tell you what," "I'll put it on the agenda in the management meeting." "What school was it?" "Glenway." "Oh, you'd better flag it up with Denise, then, before the meeting." "Why?" "It's where her kids go, innit?" "Sorry I'm late." "We're still waiting for Denise." "Train from Hades is a stopping train." "You stink of Cillit Bang!" "Nitin, you shouldn't be here." "Yeah, but I finished cleaning the kitchen." "We'll cope." "Bye, Junior." "Did you speak to her?" "No, I didn't get a chance, but, I mean, it's not like I need to brush it aside to spare her feelings." "OK, so, how were the Campbells?" "Basically, they seem to be doing everything fine, except for the diet." "They're feeding the baby ice cream." "At every meal?" "Oh, no, it's more an occasional treat." "I've come across some families that feed their kids vodka and methadone as a treat." "We need to ascertain if the Campbells have capacity for care." "There was just mention of the occasional ice cream or milk shake, that's all." "It's not like they're feeding him McDonalds." "Babies should not be having ice cream at all!" "In fact, kids should not be given ice cream until they're at least ten." "I would rather they smoke than be given sugars like that." "Really?" "Yes!" "OK, maybe not, but look, they should be having vegetable proteins - kale, quinoa." "What flavour was the ice cream?" "Does it make a difference?" "Well, if it was tutti frutti they could be getting some of their five a day." "Is the baby special needs?" "It's too early to make an assessment." "Why?" "He's a fan of eugenics." "Oh, I love Annie Lennox." "Let PC Harris speak." "Special needs kids tend to be more physical, so baby might need the calories." "Burn them off." "Don't write that down, Natalie." "I'm a bit behind" " I got stuck on occasional." "Do the parents understand the problem?" "They understood that I thought it was a problem." "I'm not sure that they shared my concern." "Well, that is a problem." "Right, we need to get the family action support team to make regular visits." "Use the acronym, Natalie." "That's the FAST team." "For which there's a four-week waiting list." "God's sake!" "I'm only passing on a bit of pretty trivial information which means nothing in context." "What do you mean?" "Here we have a couple with learning disabilities who are making a pretty good go of managing their lives and bringing up a baby despite Dickensian upbringings, prejudice, discrimination, beatings and a rape, so let's just get our priorities right." "I didn't know." "I'm so sorry." "Poor Katy." "It wasn't Katy." "It was Dave." "It was the charge nurse at his residential home." "I'll talk to a nutritionist." "Can we just move on?" "OK." "What is happening about the O'Caughey boy?" "Oh, the boy with a black eye, the non-accidental injury?" "Er, well, the parents have both given statements, but they are contradictory." "He goes to Pennyvale." "It's a very good school." "We nearly sent Dan there." "Very nice families." "How old is Dan?" "16." "Why?" "No reason. 'Can I say something?" "' Go ahead." "'In my experience, ' when you get contradictory statements, someone's lying." "Fuck me." "Alistair!" "It's just sometimes I think he's just wandered in here from a fancy dress party." "I'm sick of you taking the piss out of me!" "Yeah, well, I'm sick of you saying stupid, stupid things." "Enough." "I want the parents re-interviewed and I want them to explain their differing accounts." "Now, Rose, you had a suspected case of abuse at a school." "I jumped the gun a bit." "Well, why did you put it down for discussion?" "It's potentially quite a complicated case and I've just got to dig around a little bit more." "How do you propose to do that working half days?" "She was on time this morning." "Yeah, and when I'm not, there's always a reason." "Yes." "You have a lot of aunts who seem to drop down dead as soon as you set off for work." "Oh!" "Bereavement." "She's a bit upset today." "'If you send that picture, 'then I'm going to send a picture of your dick to your mum...'" "Her son's called Dan, same name as the kid who's supposed to be" ""doing it" with the teacher." ""Doing it"?" "What are you, seven?" "!" "Hey, look, Dan's a common name." "Might not be him." "I know, but I need to find out, OK?" "Denise is my boss and she already hates me." "I mean, imagine what it's going to be like if I drag her and her son into this situation for nothing!" "Oh, hello, Mart." "Who are they for?" "They're for you." "Lee rang, asked me to bring them to you." "Ah." "Don't seem too pleased with me." "No, it's not you, Martin." "It's Lee." "He's a 24-carat shit, using you like this." "Well, I don't feel used." "If anything, I feel under-used." "Speaking of which, is there anything I can help you with?" "Not really." "OK." "Actually, wait." "Nitin, where did you put that rubbish from the kitchen?" "Triple-bagged in the bins outside." "Right, Martin, I'll give you 50 quid if you fish 'em out and dump them on Lee's doorstep." "My pleasure." "And no charge." "Oh, and can you take a photo as well?" "I need a new screen saver." "I understand you need cheering up." "Thanks." "It won't bring hm back, though." "Was it someone you really cared about?" "Yeah, obviously." "Who mourns strangers?" "Yeah, sorry." "He might come back, though." "It's happened before." "It's unlikely." "Only once, and with Jesus, and that's in dispute." "No, Caleb died at the end of season five but he came back for seven." "He lost his memory after the crash..." "Excuse me - are you talking about a character on TV?" "Yeah." "I'm actually OK about people dying in real life." "You get, like, a funeral and proper mourning, but when it's a character you love, all you have are the episodes you've already seen." "Shouldn't really do that." "Use Martin as a pawn in this fight between you and Lee." "The friend she's mourning, it's in a TV series." "Actor?" "Character." "Fuck me." "I worry about her." "How does she feed herself?" "And for the record, Lee used Martin before me." "It's very professional." "You just paid him to fly-tip your ex." "This is a man who's had some serious problems." "Not any more." "Who invited Chief Wigham to join the conversation?" "No, seriously, Martin isn't ill any more." "Cop a load of this." "Where did you get this?" "Found it in the kitchen." "Martin's fit to return to work?" "Yep." "GP's given him a clean bill of health." "Bloody hell!" "Has Denise seen this?" "She must've." "She dropped it." "It was open already." "Apparently, it's the third letter that's been sent." "She's done nothing about it for a month?" "I mean, I bet she doesn't even want him to come back to work cos he's on such a high pay scale." "Yeah, well, I was going to keep it quiet but then she kicked me out the meeting and busted me back down the ranks, so..." "You're so noble, Nitin." "Al, we need to talk to Denise about this." "Sorry, I'm off out." "I've got an errand to run." "You should do it." "Me?" "I've got to discuss the possibility of a pupil at her kid's school fucking a teacher." "I'm not bringing Martin up as well!" "How could she do this to him?" "Serve her right if it is her son!" "Nitin, you found the smoking gun." "The onus is on you to do something about it." "No, no, cos Martin's your friend, so you do it." "I'm going to tell Denise you grassed her up." "Fairness, integrity, diligence..." "Does the police oath mean nothing to you?" "OK, I'll do it." "So, did you all just put my name down for the draw?" "It's no conspiracy." "It's just... instinct." "Good luck." "Got a few bits..." "Hey!" "Hello." "Al..." "Al, we don't need this stuff." "No, you do." "It'll just save a lot of faff." "There's a few pointers in there for you." "If the nutritionist sees this stuff, it'll just calm everyone down." "We went shopping this afternoon." "This is all organic." "How did you know what to get?" "We asked." "Denise, can I bother you for a second?" "You already are." "Earlier, I found something when I was cleaning the kitchen." "What did you find, Nitin, a personality?" "No, it was a letter." "And?" "Well, it, um..." "I'm sitting here about to start bleeding from my eyes as I try to deal with another 5% cut to the budget on top of the 20% cut we've already had, so I'm really hoping this is important." "No." "No, no." "I mean, that's my point, um..." "I think for the sake of the planet, we should make a move towards digital communication." "That was why you interrupted me?" "Yes." "Well, no..." "It would be a saving... from the old, um..." "I don't understand." "Why did you ring him and tell him someone was breaking into his car?" "So that he would rush out and... whoops!" "Like I said, no charge." "I know what an absolute weasel he's been." "All good with Denise?" "Yeah, done." "She's all over it, so..." "No need to mention it, though." "She was a bit embarrassed." "OK." "Show me it again, Mart." "OK." "Whoops!" "Tell you what, let's go for a beer, OK, then we can watch it on a loop." "You up for that?" "Well, I shouldn't, but I will." "Come on, then." "Green Dragon?" "Yeah." "Yeah, I'll..." "I'll meet you there, cos I'm just going to..." "Subtitles by Ericsson" "♪ People they ain't no good" "♪ I think that's well understood" "♪ People just ain't no good. ♪"