"My job sucks." "Got no future, got no benefits." "I'm here to play." " Oh, yeah?" "Who are you?" "Who am I...?" "I'm on the list." "Show me the list." "I'll point me out." "Yeah." "There is no list." "Charles Lazaro invited me." " Oh, so what you're telling me... is that you're a friend of Fat Charlie's?" "Well, I'm not a friend like the doughnut guy... but, yeah, we're friends." "Well, we got a little problem here, pal." "Fat Charlie has no friends." "You know what?" "I think we got off on the wrong foot here." "Thug?" "Mr. Thug?" "Going down." "Jimmy!" "You crafty son of a bitch." "You really think you were going to get away with this, huh?" "Step back a couple feet, will you?" "My name's Bond." "Barry Bond... s." "You got a little something..." "Look at the paper." "Sir, there is a $100 minimum." "Right, of course." "How embarrassing." "Oh, when you go, then everything goes" "From the crib to the ride..." "Here we go." "There's-there's 21..." "And that's..." "What are you doing there, Polyester Paul?" "Excuse me, sir?" "You're dealing from the bottom of the deck." "This man is dealing from the bottom of the deck." "Did you see that?" "See what?" "Okay, we all caught you." "Is there a problem, sir?" "Yes, there's a problem." "Three Card Monty, here is dealing from the bottom of the deck." "I assure you, sir, that's impossible." " Oh, really?" "If it's impossible, then how come he dealt himself a perfect... 13?" "!" "Sir, why don't you step this way?" "We'll sort this out." "Don't you know who I am?" "No, I don't know who you are." "Okay, well, why don't you find somebody who does?" "All right, Zorro?" "Looks like today's your lucky day." "I know who you are." "See?" "He knows who I am." "Oh, yeah." "You're the guy that's leaving here tonight in the trunk of my car." "Let me guess." "Fat Charlie, right?" "That's right, moron." "Now, listen to me." "Nobody accuses my joint of cheating, you got that?" "Yeah, well..." "I do." "And I got the pictures to prove it." "See for yourself." "There ain't no pictures here." "Charles Lazaro, you're hereby served to appear as a witness in the racketeering trial of Freddie Marcuso." "What are you?" "Some kind of a wacko?" "Serving me papers in my own joint?" "Rip his jugular vein out." "Okay, Lieutenant." "If I'm not out in 60 seconds, send in your boys." "Okay, Joe." "Roger that." "Charles?" "It's a pleasure serving you." "And, you!" "Eat something." " What?" "You don't fit in." "Nice work, kiddo." "Next time, you hurry up." "I'm freezing my ass off out here." "Here you go." "And, hey, don't spend all that on candy." "Son of a bitch." "It took you six days to serve this guy." "Six freaking days." "Hey, he disappeared on me." "A guy named Fat Charlie disappeared on you?" "Poof, Puff the Magic Dragon, just gone?" "Poof, bye-bye?" "And I guess you mean to tell me you ain't seen the Chrysler Building on your way over here, either?" "If you want to spend your life chasing nickel and dime papers you go right ahead." "Ray, the guy was a difficult mark, and I served him clean." "What else do you want?" "You know what I want?" "I want you to be more like Tony, here." "Well, that's impossible." "I walk upright." "What are you saying?" "I don't have good posture?" "I'm saying you're a Neanderthal." "And I'm saying kiss my ass." "My mouth's not big enough." "You see this?" "I gave Tony this file two hours ago." "It's done." "What's going on with you, Joe?" "You used to be my money guy, my assassin." "Now in the time it takes you to do one job, Wop-along Cassidy, here serves seven papers." "It would have been eight,... but I let Joe have that one in Miami." "The only reason that is, is the mook can't take Miami." "It's too damn hot down there." "Miami's not a city." "It's a steam room with mosquitoes." "Oh, that's great, Tony." "You're a regular process-serving savant." "What'd you call me?" "Savant... that's somebody who's really good at something..." "Oh, thanks, Joe." "...while being a complete idiot." "Ladies, please!" "Yeah, you really did serve these really fast." "In fact, you served them yesterday." "What?" " What are you talking about?" "What's the date today?" "It's the-the tenth." "It's the 11th, numnuts." "Give me that." "Goddamn it, Tony!" "Relax, Ray, relax." "I'll go back to the courthouse." "I'll refile it." "It's the big white building with the pillars in front of it." "Hey, screw you, Joe." "I'm tired of you calling me stupid." "I'm not the one growing a grapevine in my living room." "This loser thinks he's going to be" "Ernest and Julio freaking Gallo." "Ray, do you have a job for me, or not?" "Look, I got one job right now." "It's an important job out of Texas." "Pays five grand." "Well, I was going to give it to Tony seeing he's been so hot lately." "But now that we know he can't read a goddamn calendar makes me a little edgy." "So... here." "What?" "You going to give it to Joe?" "After two months of screwups?" "It's going to take him ten weeks to serve it." "Well, thanks for the prediction, Nostra-dumb-ass." "Don't you have a courthouse to find?" "Eat me." "Eat you?" "I've never been that hungry in my life." "Listen, Joe." "This is the Texas branch of my biggest account here in New York." "This file could open up a lot of out-of-state business for me, you understand?" "It's an easy job." "All you gotta do is do it fast." "None of that lollygagging, six-day crap on this." "I'm serious." "You got it, boss." "And let me just say, from the bottom of my heart that suit is kicking." "Get out!" "I'm going to go." "You better go." ""Your suit kickin'."" "Shoot, this suit cost me $300." "Say, what time is your flight again, sweetheart?" "It's 11:20." "Well, lookie there!" "Perfect timing." "I am the king." "Well done, Mr. Cowboy." "That's right, Mama." "Boy, I tell you what." "You're my darling, dearest, dearie darling gal, and I'll tell you what." "Any of them New York boys got their hands on you, and, ooh!" "I wouldn't know what to do." "Well, here we are." "You call me when you get there?" " I will." "I love you, girl." " I love you, too." "You get that, all right?" "Well, go on." "Have a good time." " Okay." "Bye." "Hey, darling!" "Hey, how are you?" "Good." "Huh?" "What'd I tell you?" "Perfect timing." "You're the king." "Thank you very much." "Ooh, I missed you." "All right, all right, we're going." "Quick as a hiccup." "No hard feelings about before, Joe?" "Really." "Good luck." "Yeah, blow me." "Yeah, keep dreaming, Joe." "He gets me with that every time." "Sara Moore?" " Yeah?" "Listen up." "If I were you, I'd get the hell out... of your apartment right now." " Who is this?" "Let's just say a... a friend." "Look, some asshole's on his way up there to serve you papers." "He's going to say he's delivering flowers." "Papers?" "What?" "Is this about my parking tickets?" "No, no, no, no." "It's a lot bigger than that." "Look, I really don't have any idea what you're talking about, so..." "Hey, lady?" "When is getting served papers ever good, huh?" "Don't be stupid." "Hang up, and get out." "Sara Moore?" "She's there in 7-E." "Thanks." "You know, once that little light goes on, you're good." "Sara, welcome home!" "Why are you calling me Sara?" "Merry Christmas." "Shit!" "Taxi!" "Excuse me." "Uh..." "Mrs. Moore." "Do you have an appointment?" "I just need to get away for a sec." "Okay, have a nice day." "Creep!" "I'd like to request..." "Sir, can I help you?" "Sir, this is a woman's spa, sir." "Cool!" "Either of you two creatures seen Sara Moore?" "Get out!" "Hey, you are wrapped too tight, lady." "Excuse me, sir." "You cannot..." "Hey, Sara, welcome back." "Why do people keep calling me Sara?" "I'm not." "Can I help you?" "Hello." "Man, slow down!" "I can't believe you messed this up." "I did not mess it up." "I told you he'd mess it up." "It's a goddamn cakewalk, Joe." "Look, I chased her all through Midtown Manhattan for two hours." "I froze my dick off." " Boo-hyphen-hoo." "Has anybody informed you, this job is not easy." "I'm going to find her." "It's not going to be a problem." "Well, it already is a problem." "I'm giving the file to Tony." "What?" "Come on." "Give me the papers." "You know what?" "I don't know what the hell I was thinking, giving you this job in the first place." "Look, you are making a mistake, Ray." "I know exactly where she is." "Good." "Tell it to Tony." "Thanks, Boss." "She's up Ray's ass." "You should know your way around." "Santa, you're supposed to give the gifts, not take them." "Yeah, I got a present for you." "Milty, I need a favor." "And I need a swollen prostate." "I need the file on 4-9-8-3." "That's a small Uzi and two vials of crack." "Milt..." "Milt." " Got it." "Look, can you get me the addresses... on these speed-dial phone numbers, please?" "Uh, I don't know if you noticed here... but the "In" is winning by a landslide." "Okay." "Maybe this will help." "Oh, no." "I think my eyes are going, because I only see 20 bucks." "How about now?" "Oh, there we go." "20-20." "20-20." "Come back at 7:00." "7:00?" "That's the best you can do?" "Oh, now my hearing's off." "I'll see you at 7:00." "Miami Marriott." "Uh, yes, I'd like to make a reservation, please." "Under the name..." "Sara Moore for a check-in early tomorrow morning." "Okay." "Thank you." "Now, let's see how we did today." "Nice nose..." "Better than yesterday." "I'm the idiot." "Nice place." "It's good." "Miami Marriott." "Uh, Sara Moore, please." "One moment, please." "Uh, sir, I'm sorry... but Ms. Moore won't be checking in until tomorrow morning." "Tomorrow morning?" "Oh, thank you." "Thank you very much." "I gotcha." "May I help you?" "You got gas." "Excuse me?" "You got leakage." "Excuse me?" "Not you, lady." "Your house." "But we have electric." "Yeah, I know." "That's why it's kind of a pickle." "Can I sniff around?" "Actually, no." "Thanks." "Not sniffing any gas, but I do detect the smell of coffee." "You know, I think you should just leave." "Yeah, why don't you run in the kitchen and grab me... a cup of coffee all right, cupcake?" "Nice place you got here." "It's real rustic." "Amanda?" "Hey, are you okay?" "What's going on?" "I heard all that shouting down there." "Oh, no!" "Sara Moore you are hereby served for divorce." "Divorce?" "!" "What?" "!" "Smile." "No, hang on." "Wait-wait a minute." "You must have the wrong person." "Um, you must be looking for a different Sara Moore." "That's what they all say." "But I'm happily married." "Not anymore." "Could I get that coffee to go, uh...?" "This is Ray." "Who the hell is this?" "Hey, Ray, I'll tell you who the hell this is." "It's Joe, so why don't you put... that doughnut down for a second and listen to me." "Guess who I just served." "Sara Moore." "That's right." "So get your checkbook out." "And since you took me off this gig and I had to do it on my own time you better pay me double, okay?" "Say good night, sweet prince." "Look, if you want to use the phone, just ask." "You served Fat Charlie, now Fat Charlie serves you." "And I'll say we served him pretty good, too." "So, Brooklyn's in the house?" "Sara, oh, my God." "You have got to see this." "What?" "I don't fit in, huh?" "How about this?" "Now do I fit in?" "How does that fit, huh?" "I'm glad." "Yo, Aldo, you know, I've been doing some thinking lately." "I'm getting kind of tired of carpooling." "How about you?" "Yeah, I could use a little room myself." "You don't mind there, Petey." "Oh, there's a car right here." "I could just take this car, no?" "Why not?" "You're not taking my car." "That was nothing." "Come on!" "Is that all you got...?" "Get over here!" "Hey, what are you, some kind of machinist?" "Are you trying to say "masochist"?" "What a meathead!" "Hold on." "Hold on a second." "Your diaper's loose." "That's it?" "!" "That's all you girls got?" "!" "That was nothing!" "Nothing!" "Baby's going to take nappy." "Sorry." "Wretched bag." "Well, well, there is a God." "Actually, it was two Italians." "Do you have any feelings?" "Do you have any shred of humanity or compassion?" "Well, little sick dogs pull at my heartstrings but certainly not trophy wives from Australia." "Australia?" "Look, first of all, I'm English, you twit." "And second of all, we've had our ups and downs... but I stuck it out and trophy wives don't do that." "Do you know what?" "The guy on the phone was right." "You are an asshole." "Hey, I was just doing my jo..." "What guy on the phone?" "The guy that called up to my apartment to say you were on your way up with those lovely papers." "Somebody tipped you off?" "Who?" "Yeah, like I know everyone in New York with a Brooklyn accent." "Tony." "It's got to be Tony." "The son of a bitch." "He's been tipping off my marks for two months." "That's why it's been so hard." "Well, my heart bleeds for you." "I'm going to kill that son of a bitch!" "Mind your own business, pork chop." "Goddamn monkeys." "Hey, Chico, make it cooler, cooler." "Culo. ¿Tu quieres culo?" "Yo te doy culo!" "Not louder." "Cooler!" "Este gringo me molesta..." "No gringo." "Italiano." "Mambo Italiano." "No mambo Italiano." "Mambo King, Armand Assante." "Mambo King soy yo." " Hey, Chico... just drop me off in America, okay?" "Agase para... carajo, feo!" "Hey, I got another question." "How do people do it?" "I know you're awake, so stop pretending to be asleep." "Actually, I was pretending to be dead, but I can't fool you." "How can someone end a marriage like that, just... pow?" "What?" "Are you telling me you didn't see this coming?" "Let me guess." "A lot of trips out of town." ""Go ahead, honey." ""Go ahead." "Don't worry your pretty little head." "I'll take care of the homestead..."" "Not to mention those extra poker nights with the boys." "Gordon doesn't play poker." "Missing my point." "Look, I've served thousands of subpoenas." "Granted, never one to somebody as hot as you." "I don't know your husband... but I do have a great deal of insight into men." "And we are mean, hurtful and despicable." "Male headquarters would kill me, if they knew I was telling you this." "Yeah, well, "despicable" is putting it mildly." "And then, you complain that we get half of everything." "Believe me, after this type of treatment... half is the very least we should get." "The only thing you're getting half of, honey, is screwed." "What do you mean?" "He served you first." "He's in Texas, and he's got home-court advantage." "Wait." "Served me first?" "What is this?" "Third grade?" "Yeah, sometimes." "Texas has the most conservative divorce laws in the country." "Not to mention those good ol' boy judges." "Sure most of them aren't married to their first wives." "Believe me, if I'd known this was coming,..." "I'd have been the one doing the serving." "Yeah." " How about that, huh?" "Whatever." "No, seriously." "What would have happened if I'd served him first?" "Okay, if you had served him first, the trial would have been in New York... not in Texas... where you would have fared a lot better." "50% better, actually." "Hey, I have a proposition for you." "You tear up the papers on me... and I'll hire you to serve my husband." "I'll pay you twice what you're getting now." "Look, here's what you don't understand." "I've already told them that I served you, okay?" "So if I flip it and tag your husband, my reputation will be shot." "I'll never work again." "I'll give you ten percent of my divorce settlement." "We own a cattle ranch." "It's worth $20 million." " $20 million?" "Ten percent of half?" "You're willing to pay me a million dollars." "Well, that still leaves nine for me versus next to nothing." "It's kind of a no-brainer." "You're really serious?" "I think we should draw up a contract." "Let's see..." "Won't be needing this." "One... million..." "Dollars..." "Great, let's go." "Thanks a lot." "Miami Marriott." "If anybody calls for Ms. Sara Moore, tell them she's relocated... to one of your hotels in Bangor, Maine." "Bangor, Maine." "That's right, Bangor, Maine." "That's where she'll be." "I thought we were going to Dallas." "We are." "Just playing a little game of hide-and-seek." "Now break out your credit cards." "We got tickets to buy." "All right, got my papers... and you know your way around this place, right?" "Actually, I've never been inside before, but Gordon always said... it was his place to come and "focus."" "Yeah, well, all you have to do is point him out and... then stay out of sight, because if he sees you, we're done." "Is it okay if I strangle him from behind?" "Yes, you can do whatever you want, but wait until I serve him." "Let me see that scarf." "Okay, all set." "If you have a moment, I'd like to take you two on a little tour here of our facility." "Why, that would be lovely." "Great." "So, what part of London are you from?" "Hampstead." "Hmm, sorry, I'm not familiar with it." "Well, it's on the corner of Penny Lane and Abbey Road." "Very interesting." "How many pounds were you looking at losing?" "Well, I don't think it's important... to talk about money at this point, do you?" "You see, pounds... money..." "Be quiet." "How exactly did you hear about us" "Mr. and Mrs..." ""Poppins"?" "Well, we have an acquaintance here at the club a Gordon Moore." "Solid, solid, solid fellow." "Absolutely." "As a matter of fact" "I believe Mr. Moore's working out here this morning." "Perhaps we'll run into him." "Perhaps." "I'll just show you the men's area now." "Jolly good." "Mrs. Poppins, if you'll wait here for just a moment we'll be back in a jiffy, as you say." "Oh, okay, thanks." "I should tell you, I don't like to lift things." "I'm sweating." "You're glowing, darling." "Hey, how's my form?" "Yeah, yours is pretty good." "Keep it up, Gordon." "Oh, it's up." "It's up." "Focusing?" "!" "Asshole!" "Sara?" "Yeah!" "..." "Joe, quick." "It's him, quick!" "Where?" "!" "Where?" "!" "I just wanted to show you our candle-lit Pilates..." "You stop him, Allison!" "Look, lady, I'm not going to hit a girl, okay?" "You go, girl!" "Go on, Joe." "Well, guess there's a first time for everything." "Nice." "Take that!" "Quick!" "He's getting away!" "Remind me to give you a raise." "Oh, for Christ's sake!" "Look, babe can we talk about this?" "Way to lay low back there." "Well, you said to point him out." "I just pointed him out." "You are going to have to get in control of your anger, okay?" "You made us look like fools in there." "I did?" "Well, hey, at least I wasn't beaten up by a girl." "Hey, that was not a girl." "I distinctly saw an Adam's apple... and a bulge that I was not comfortable with." "The only thing we had going for us... was the element of surprise, and you blew that." "Look, I know Gordon's habits." "I can easily find him again." "Oh, what do you think?" "He's just going to sit around, waiting for us to serve him?" "No, he's history." "All he has to do is jump on the first international flight... and then we're done, all right?" "Even if I find him..." "I can't serve him outside the United States." "I don't like your tone." " You don't like my tone, Your Highness?" "Don't forget, whenever I want, I can serve your papers again." "Look, you can stand there and threaten me or we could just get in the car and go and find Gordon." "Oh, yeah?" "Okay, where do you want to go... boss?" "Well, as your boss, I'd be interested in your suggestions." "This is crazy." "You're crazy and I quit." "Hey, I thought you were quitting." "Who the hell am I going to quit to?" "I gave up half my life for this crap." "So, what are we going to do first?" "Well, I think we, uh... and when I say "we," I mean you... should find a mute button for yourself." "Necessita mas toallas en la habitacion numero 150." "Asi que cuando pueda..." "Excuse me..." "Yo!" "Hello." "Can I help you?" " Yeah, you can help me." "I got an important business meeting with a Sara Moore." "Sara Moore?" " Sara Moore, Moore." "M-O-O-O-R-E." "Here." "You sure about that?" " Yeah, I'm sure about that." "What's the matter?" "I don't look like a goddamn businessman to you?" "No, no, sir." "It's just that her reservation's been canceled." "Canceled?" "What the...?" "I do have a forwarding address if that would be helpful." "Yeah, that would be helpful." "Can you throw in a little breeze while you're at it?" "Hey, cutie, how you doing?" "She's nice." "Who's that?" "Your sister?" "Okay, Warren, earn your money." "You want to tell me what the hell's going on?" "Sure." "Everything is beautiful." "My best guy served her this morning up in Westchester." "All I'm doing is waiting on the papers." "Oh, really?" "Well, maybe you can explain how that's possible... when she's in Dallas, moron." " Dallas?" "Dallas, Texas?" "That's right." "And she's not alone either." "She's down here with some goddamn process server... trying to serve my client." "Who's this Joe anyway?" "Is he one of yours?" "Joe?" "Who..." "Joe-Joe the singer?" "No, I..." "I don't know a Joe." "I can't say I know a Joe." "Look here, Mr. Moore, don't worry about a thing, okay?" "All right?" "Uh, just give me a little more time and as God is my witness" "I will nail this bitch, I will chase her down like a German shepherd, like she owe me money!" "My wife you're talking about there, putz." " Of course, sir, my apologies." "This better get done." "Or I'm going to hang your ass out to dry, you understand?" ""This better get done." "Otherwise, I'm gonna hang your ass out to dry."" "Jesus... a redneck telling a black man he gonna hang him." "That's the new millennium." "Page Tony!" "And get Farrakhan and them on the phone." "I think they might want a trip down there." "Doris, could you send Vernon in here please?" "Now, Gordon, as your attorney, I would advise you... not to get your personal security involved in the matter." "Well, as my attorney, you screwed this up, dickweed." "Now..." "let's go over this one more time." "I'm telling you I don't know where it is." "You're telling me you don't know where it is." "No, I swear to God." "Tell Mr. Moore I'll be there momentarily." "Listen to me, you little punk,... you're not going anywhere until we find the stapler." "It was Tommy in accounting!" "He took it!" "I use paper clips!" "I'm just getting the brake off." "You're aware of my current personal situation, right?" "As much as you told me... yes, sir." "See, I got my tail in a crack here." "And I want you to do whatever you need to do to keep this lowlife server away from me, okay?" "Now, my overpaid lawyer here will fill you in,... on his description and whereabouts." "Now, he's with my wife." "So let's not let anything happen to her." "But, now, that guy?" "Oh, well..." "I could give a rat's ass." "Oh, I'll take care of it, sir." "Got Tony on line two." "He says there's a problem." "No kidding." "Where the hell are you?" "I'm in Maine." "Maine?" "What the hell you doing in Maine?" "I'm freezing my balls off, that's what." "The bitch is in Dallas, you idiot." "Dallas?" "!" "I think Joe set me up." "Oh, there's a news flash." "Look, he's down there with her trying to serve her husband." "He flipped on us." "He flipped his mark." "Now you go stick your balls in a cup of hot cocoa." "Click your heels three times, Dorothy, and get down to Dallas." "You nail her first or we are done, it's over." "You understand?" "You know, I need to call Miss Cleo." "Psychics, psychics..." "is that "P" or "S"?" "Let me guess..." "employees of the month?" "So I just..." "I just don't know." "What's normal anymore?" "Hi, Doris." "What's going on?" "I would love to tell you, but I can't." "Mr. Moore had his lawyer make all of us sign... affidavits... this morning saying, we wouldn't divulge his whereabouts." "Nice." "Well, you've been completely useless, Doris." "I really wish I hadn't been so nice to you over the years." "Let's go." "Let's go." "So what's in Durango?" "Oh, he just bought a cattle ranch there." "I haven't been there myself yet, though." "It's Gordon's little pet project." "How do you feel about walking faster?" "Good." " Good." "Two tickets on the next flight to Durango, please." "Okeydokey." "Um, I just need a credit card and some ID, please." "Sure." "There you go." "Well, at least those two are happy." "Oh, please." "That has "affair" written all over it." "Why do you say that?" "Who makes out with their wife?" "See, ring... no ring." "I bet Gordon's having an affair." "You think?" " Yeah." "You know what, I really do." "Um, I'm sorry, miss, but my computer shows that your credit card's been, um, canceled." "Canceled?" " Gordon virus." "Goddamn it!" "Look, I know he wants to divorce me... but, believe me, he would not want me to be penniless." "Um, excuse me, could you try this card?" "Honey, if he canceled that card, he canceled all the cards." "Excuse me, one second." "No, uh..." "It's not..." "I just landed." "I'll take care of business..." "Hey, fatboy, you need to watch where..." "Uh, these tickets say, uh, "Durango."" "Uh, we need, we need to go to Amarillo." "It's going to take me another minute." "What a nice surprise." "Oh, nice look, Don Ho." "So racking up those frequent flyer miles?" "Yeah, thanks for the world tour, ass wipe." "Well, you've been tipping off my marks... for about a month, so I figured it was payback time." "You figured that out, huh?" " Yeah, using my brain and all." "Yeah, well, the way I see it... all those jobs were mine before you came along." "So I was just taking back what already belonged to me." "You grew up around a lot of lead paint, didn't you?" "Enough of the chitchat." "Where's the girl?" "What girl?" " The girl." "Oh, Sara?" " Yeah." "Oh, I think she's in Copenhagen." "Right, Copenhagen?" "Really?" "Yeah, the luge finals." "Well, that wouldn't be her walking out of the bathroom over there now, would it?" "What?" "Hey, look, that man..." "He's trying to serve you." "What?" " Come on." "Here." "No." "You okay?" "No." "Oh, God!" "Can we get off, please?" "My pant leg's stuck." "Okay." "Uh..." "Here." "What are you doing?" "Okay." "Jesus Christ!" "I said "help me," not "undress me."" "Oh, I'm sorry..." "I didn't hear you over the big machine... that was going to rip you into little pieces." "Come on." "Well, I only have half a pair of pants on... if you hadn't noticed." "Well, I for one think you look great." "Find me something to wear." "Okay." "No, not this one." "Look there." "Here." " No." "I'll do it." "American woman..." "Which Judd sister are you?" "Hey, it's the only thing that fitted." "That fits?" "Yes." "I ain't cleaning it up." "Excuse me, cowboy." "Miss, I'm looking for my friend." "You know, the guy I was talking to before." "You mean that guy who threw the dog at you?" "Yeah, what a kidder, always playing jokes." "Can you tell me where he's going?" "Amarillo." " Amarillo?" "Amarillo, yeah." "But our last flight just left... and he didn't get his tickets." "This his wallet?" "Yeah." "Good." "I'll make sure he gets it back." "Oh, no." "Sir..." "What the hell is in Amarillo?" "Asshole." "The Pepsi Monster Smash comes to Dallas" "The Pepsi Monster Smash comes to Dallas this Friday, Friday, Friday!" "And two shows Saturday at the Union Arena." "See Cyclops thrash..." "I think we should find a hotel." "What?" "We're making great time." "You said we're like three hours away." "All I know is, is that if you sneak onto a cattle ranch in the middle of the night two things are guaranteed to happen:" "one, you're going to tread in cow shit;" "and two, you're going to get shot." "So, you want to get a hotel?" "Come and get 'em, Joe." "I'll be waiting." "Oh, your sister's ass." "Don't shoot!" "Don't shoot!" "Hold up!" "I'm no thief!" "I'm just a process server." "Let me get this straight." "You're telling me you're here from the motel's parent company doing spot inspections?" "And I should give you a room for free so you can see how it is?" "That's correct, sir." "And let me just say the degree of professionalism that you are exhibiting here today will undoubtedly go in my report." "Well, let me just say that either you fork over $34.95, or you are plumb out of luck, mister." "Got me?" "We're sleeping in the car." "Let me have a go." "Sir, we've been robbed." "Please take pity on us." "Lady, there ain't no way in hell I'm going to give you a room here for free." "That's, uh... room 17." "Thank you." "Oh, and we do have suites available as well." "And let me know if you need any ice." "I love you!" "Bummer." "How was your bath?" "You mean shower." "There's no tub in here." "Oh, well, I'll call the concierge." "Oh, no, wait a minute..." "you got a free room in a dump." "Tease me all you like." "I just don't feel right if I don't have a bath." "I don't get you Americans with your two-minute showers." "Well, it could be worse." "We could be French and skip the whole thing." "You must admit, though it's pretty cool the way I got us our free room." "What are you doing?" "Well, I've gotten into bed, and now I'm going to sleep." "No, I am the girl;" "I get the bed." "All right, I'll tell you what... why don't you draw an imaginary line and I will promise not to cross it, okay?" "Okay." "My line goes all the way around the bed." "I knew you were going to say that." "Thank you." "Comfy?" " Yeah." "Light's out?" " No, you know what..." "I'm just going to stay up and read the Bible for a while." "Good night." "Yeah, I guess I got the gist of it." "You know, assuming you serve Gordon tomorrow what are you going to do with the money?" "Why do girls always have another question after "good night"?" "Come on, I'm just curious." "If you must know..." "I was kind of hoping to have my own vineyard." "Napa Valley or somewhere." "Come on, I'm being serious." "Oh, seriously." "A while back I was this hotshot attorney." "I had all the attachments that go with that gig." "You know, a big house, nice car, beautiful girlfriend." "Fiancee actually." "That sounds terrible." "I can see why you turned your back on it." "Well, anyway, I was given this high-profile case to defend this guy in the cement business." "In other words, the mob." "Really?" "How did you know that?" "I have an eye for that kind of stuff." "And he told me he was in the mob." "Then I realized I'd just become this cliche." "Some sleazy defense attorney." "And at that moment, boom" "I got out." "I don't blame you." "Well, the beautiful fiancee did." "As soon as the money ran out, so did she." "You know, all kidding aside after you quit, didn't you miss the money?" "Well, being successful isn't all about money." "No." "So your girlfriend ditched you, because you didn't have enough money... and my husband's ditching me to get it all." "Hmm." "All right, good night then." "Good night then." "Oh, all right." "All right, what?" "I moved the line." "It's still there." "I just moved it a little." "Come on." "Thanks." "Thank you." "Oh, sorry." "That's okay." "Just don't let it happen again." "Gentlemen, I'd like to welcome you to my ranch." "Now, I know in your country it's polite to remove your shoes when you visit someone's humble abode..." "Who are all those Japanese guys around Gordon?" "I have no idea." "If you do that around here..." "Go on, go serve him." "Okay." "Oh, no, wait." "Who's that?" "That is trouble." "Wyatt Earp looks pissed." "Quick, let's get out of here." "Hey, Vernon." "I need you for a minute." "Boy, am I glad to see you two." "Really?" "Of course he is." "Follow me." "Okay." "Well, you sure made it fast enough." "Now, we're just having the damnedest old time milking that old boy today." "Well, that's the problem." "See, if you want to get the milk you need to use a girl cow." "Uh, you are the vet, right?" "Yes, I am the vet." "And I'm the vet's nurse." "Um, it's casual Friday." "Well, Tornado over there, he's normally our feistiest bull." "Good for at least a quart a week." "But today, hell, we can't even get his pump primed." "Uh, would you all excuse me please?" "I need to talk with my nurse." "Excuse me." "Tell me they are not talking about what I think they're talking about." "What do you think they're talking about?" "Masturbating an impotent bull." "So what do you think, Doc?" "Well, you know what, we just got a page uh, telling us that a sheep has fallen into a lake and is shrinking at an amazing rate." "Just getting smaller and smaller." "Go look over there." "Yes, sir." "You better find somebody or it's your ass." "How small can a sheep get, I guess." "So, um, how do you get things started?" "What do you do to get the bulls ready?" "You know, the regular way." "But we've been trying that for over an hour." "Poor ol' Mickey, there, can't even lift his arms up no more." "Well, maybe it's just a question of inspiration." "I mean, that is a very attractive rump... but, uh, maybe Tornado needs a little bit more oomph." "Like what?" "Have you tried a Barry White CD?" "Why don't you just do what the other doc did when this happened to Attila?" "You know, relieve the pressure on the prostate?" "Prostate pressure." "Right, um..." "Nurse, did you bring the tools?" "Um, no, I'm afraid I forgot them." "She forgot the tools." "Can't really do anything without the tools." "That's all right, Doc." "We got everything you need." "Oh, dear God." "Here, let me help." "Let's get you nice and lubricated." "How far up is the prostate?" "When you think you've got there, keep going." "We're ready when you are, Doc." "You fellows haven't been feeding Tornado any Mexican food, have you?" "Get your dumb ass over here!" "Yes, Mr. Vernon." "Keep looking!" "I'm sorry." "Go on, Doc." "He ain't gonna give you an invitation." "Especially not from this end." "How's it feel in there, Doc?" "Compared to what?" "Better go a little further, Doc." "Ain't nothing happening yet." "Let me help you, Doc." "That's the spot, Doc!" "You got it!" "Damn, that thing sure looks like a fire hose." "I'm uncomfortable." "Sure wish you folks could've been here a little earlier." "Mr. Moore came by and had a bunch of those corporate fellas with him and it was damn embarrassing." "Old Tornado couldn't put on his usual show." "Look at him go." "Oh, great..." "now I-I've lost my ring." "What, was he giving them like a little special tour or something?" "I think it was a little more than a little tour." "I hear he's trying to sell the whole damn company." "Hey, you hear that, Doc?" "Mr. Moore is trying to sell the whole damn company." "That's fascinating." "I can't believe that Gordon is trying to sell his company." "Mind you, I have to say I think it's good news for us." "Well, you know if he's in the middle of a big sales pitch he can hardly skip town." "You don't seem very excited." "Did you see what I just did in there?" "I'm going to need a minute, okay?" "A bull is lighting a cigarette in there because of me." "There goes my mark." "Hey, come on." "Let's go back to Dallas." "Oh my God!" "Quick!" "No, no, no..." "Come on, quick." "That guy must hate veterinarians." "No." "No, Mr. Cedron, every..." "everything's under control, okay?" "I just need a little more time." "If everything's so goddamn under control... tell me what that process server was doing snooping around..." "Gordon's Ranch up in Durango this morning." "What?" "Listen, dirtbag, by tomorrow morning" "I'm going to have these papers out to three other firms." "That means you better get her served by the end of the day, or you're off the case." "You understand?" "Yeah, yeah." "Page Tony!" "Tony's holding on line two." "How'd he do that?" "Where the hell are you?" "!" "Don't give me any lip, Ray." "I got shot." "What?" "Some nurse is about to pick pellets out of my back with a pair of needle-nosed pliers." "So just chill, all right?" "Lucky for you these wounds are only superficial." "First we got to mow that lawn." "I've been meaning to get that done anyway." "Tony, where are you now?" "Amarillo." "I found out Joe and the girl were going to serve" "Mr. Moore at his ranch in Amarillo so I figured I'd ambush 'em." "Amarillo?" "Father, help me." "They are in Durango." "Du-Durango?" "What the h...?" "You know, that Joe's getting to be one big pain in my..." "Sorry." "Must've snagged a weed." "I got a goddamn butcher here!" "Durango!" "Nice house." " Thanks." "You know what?" "I can't wait to check Gordon's files... to see just who he thinks he's selling my company to." "What if somebody's home?" "There's only Maria, my housekeeper." "All right, at least do me a favor, okay?" "You go through the back and get the files and I'll distract the housekeeper." "All right, but be nice, okay?" "I really like her." "I think I can handle that." "Holy..." "Can I help you?" "Are you..." "Maria?" " No, I'm Kate." "Do you know Maria?" "Do I know Maria?" "Do I know...?" "Yes." "Maria's my, uh..." "second cousin, twice removed." "Oh, my!" "Well, let me get her for you..." "Oh, no, no, don't do that." "If I know Maria... and I do... she's not going to want to come downstairs... until she looks like Salma Hayek if you know what I'm saying." "Oh, okay." "Do you...?" "Do you have...?" "Do yo..." "Do you have a bathroom or something because when you say Big Gulp up here in Texas you're not kidding around." "Oh, of course." "Come on in." "Oh, gracias." "Don't worry." "It's just number one." "Um, let me show you where it is." "So, are you from El Salvador?" " What?" "Well, Maria's from El Salvador so I figured..." "Oh, that's right." "El Salvador High." "Go, lguanas." "Cha-cha-cha." "Well, your English is very good." " Well, we had cable, so, you know." "All right, if you just look..." " Is that all wine?" "Yeah, my boyfriend has quite the collection." "Well, he is a lucky man, you pink goddess of love." "No more callers." "We've got a winner." "I take it y'all don't have a lot of wine down in El Salvador." "What?" "Oh, yes, no." "Where I'm from, it's mostly margaritas." "Have you ever had a cabernet blend that is so good you drink it and drink it and then you pour it all over your privates?" "I'm sorry, I'm not all that into wines." "But my Gordy sure is." ""My Gordy"?" "!" "Oh, boy." "Who the hell are you?" "!" "Oh, you must be Sara." "And you must be banging my husband." "I am truly sorry, Sara." "Mrs. Moore to you, okay?" "Look, things happen." "You shouldn't blame yourself." "Blame myself?" "Are you insane?" "I'm blaming you, you twinkle, and that asshole of a husband of mine." "So... come on, you!" "Well, you just got a quick glimpse into your future." "When it happens to you, page me." "Adios, twinkie." "Let's take the Jag." "Yeah, let's take the Jag." "I'd give my life for a hot bath." "What?" "A hot..." "Are we suddenly deaf?" "No." "I just like hearing you say "hot bath."" "Oh." "Well, I'd really like one." "I think I saw a Motel 6 around here somewhere." "Wouldn't you prefer a five-star hotel?" "Sara, your breasts are great, but..." "Joe." "Uh, I don't think... they're going to get us into a five-star hotel." "Do you think cash would?" "Oh, hello, marble bathtub." "Do you mind if I have a $9 bottle of water?" "Coming up." " Thanks." "So, it says here that Gordon's going to sell... all his assets to some company..." "Kobe West?" "Yeah, and, let's not forget, behind my back." "Music?" "So, a quick divorce, then he makes the deal, huh?" "Nice." "Yeah, I know." "Seems like Gordon cares about the money more than anything." "Unbelievable." " Yeah, unbelievable." "I have something else to show you." "I did a bit more stealing from Gordon." "In fact, I got his passport so he can't leave the country." "Nice work, 99." " Thank you." "Hey, you know what?" "He went to St. Barth's twice in the last month." "And, hey, look at this." "Acapulco on the 17th." "That was our wedding anniversary." "I distinctly remember him saying he had to do business in Omaha." "Instead, he was, um, doing Kate in Mexico." "Sara, if Gordon can't tell how beautiful and sexy... and intelligent you are, then he is an idiot." "And now I'm an idiot for saying way too much." "Didn't sound like too much to me." "Am I hearing waves?" "Don't you mean fireworks?" "No, waves." "Bugger!" "Sorry about that." "No, no, that's..." "that's okay." "Well, I think I'll just, uh, go ahead and get in the bath." "Great idea." "I got some Mr. Bubbles in my bag." "Alone." "You know, I think our priority has to be to find Gordon." "Business first." " Right, yeah." "Business first." "You know, I was just about to say the same thing, so..." "Okay." " Okay." "Well, I'm going to go out and get some fresh air... alone." "I'm a veterinarian." "A cow just beeped me." "How's Maria?" "Very funny." "Can I get you something, honey?" "I would really love a Miller Longneck." "You got it." "Let's get down to business, shall we?" "Look, Gordon is a complete jerk." " This much we agree on." "And believe me, I didn't need his ex-wife to tell me that." "I'm in it for the money." " Really?" "And I know how this works." "If you serve Gordon first then he's going to New York... and Sara gets half of a whole lot of money." "But to serve him, you have to find him." "And you know where he is." "Look, there is no way that Gordon's marrying me without a prenup so if I want to be a really rich lady... and I do..." "I have got to wait on him hand and foot for the next 20 years." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Or..." "I can serve him up to you for, let's say... a million dollars?" "And I'll never have to see him again." "Everybody wins." "Except for Gordo." " Exactly." "Just one snag, though." "None of the money is mine." "I'd have to talk to Sara first." "So talk." "Hey." "Nice robe." "Thank you." "Where'd you get to?" "You'll see." "What the hell is she doing here?" "She paged me." " Why?" "Look, before you get all in a... tizzy, hear her out, okay?" "She's got a great plan." "Look, before we get into all that..." "I just wanted to say, Sara,..." "I feel really badly about stealing your husband." "So badly, in fact, that there's a guy I'd like you to meet." "Sara Moore, you are hereby served for divorce under the laws governing the great State of Texas." "Joe!" "Do something." "Take another one for my buddy" "Joe here, just to bust his balls." "Cheese." "Beautiful, beautiful." "Thank you." "Classic honey trap." "Oldest trick in the book." "You should read it sometime." "Oh, and I'll see you back in New York... when you come to clean out your desk, ass wipe." "Look what I got." "He is cute." "It's too bad he's just a process server." "So, one look at a girl in tight pants and big tits and suddenly you're stupid?" "It's not the way this was supposed to go down." "How could you blow this?" "It seemed like a good idea at the time." "Look, Sara, can we just focus on what we have to do now?" "Yes, we can." "You can focus on getting the hell out of this hotel room." "Go." "Get out of here." "Leave." "Good-bye." "Good-bye?" "That's it?" "Yeah." "Go on." "There's nothing else to say." "You a genius, you hear me?" "A goddamn genius!" "That's all right." "You know what?" "It's only been three white geniuses ever." "Oh, yeah." "Da Vinci, Stallone in the first Rocky and now you, Tony." "Oh, thank you, Ray." "I swear..." "I love you for this, boy." "I love you for this." "You know what?" "I need you to fax me a copy of the papers take the originals down to the courthouse and get your butt back here." "Oh, yeah." "I'm going to buy you the biggest steak in Manhattan." "You hear me?" "On my way." "On my way, fast as I can." "Okay." "Look here, you know what?" "It's okay... fly first class." "First class?" "Good." " First class... all right." "What?" " Wait a minute." "Make that business class." "Business?" "Okay." "I wore myself out." "Did he...?" "Wait a minute, I need a phone." "I need a phone!" "Ray, Joe's on line one." "Hello, loser." "You little dirty..." "you... you tried to double-cross me, didn't you?" "You know what?" "I got something for you." "It's over." "Yeah, I guess you really got me, Ray." "That's right." "Who's my bitch, huh?" "Who's my bi...tch?" "Yeah, I'm your bitch." "So, uh, did Tony make the plane okay?" "You know what?" "He sure did." "And he's flying first class, too." "Oh... see..." "I was really hoping that he didn't drop the papers off at city hall." "Well, you can hope all you want to, Gladys 'cause he did." "It's over." "Now, you probably have a, uh... copy of that file lying around somewhere." "Would you mind, uh, telling me what time my career officially ended?" "I'd love to know that." "7:04." "You hear that?" "Remember it, write it down, paint a picture..." "I don't care what you do." "Seven, zero, and then it's a big four after that." "It's over." "Yeah, that's so funny, you know because, uh, my watch here says it's 6:15." "Looks like Retardo Montalban forgot to set his watch back." "With the time difference between here and New York" "I can still serve Gordon." "I've still got 49 minutes. 49." "You know that number." "Your I.Q." "Hello?" "Gordon Moore, Milt." "What do you got?" "You want to hear what's great?" "Your guy's got Lojack." "For a very reasonable $50 surcharge" "I can tell you exactly where he is right now." "Milt, you are a beautiful, beautiful man." "All right, he's at the southwest corner of Lakeville and Beverly." "I looked it up." "It's some fancy steak house." "You got it." "You just made five grand." "Sure, but after taxes...?" "On the screens ahead of you, we will run our safety video." "But first, the captain has turned on the fasten-seat-belt sign, and we'll be departing shortly." "Please remain seated as we back away from the gate." "Sir, please take your seat." "No, excuse me." "Uh, I'm a..." "I'm a heart surgeon... and I got a patient that needs an emergency... heart." "What's the matter?" "I don't look like a goddamn heart surgeon to you?" "!" "Get in." "Are you high?" "This is better." "Look, we don't have time for this." "It's over, you idiot." "You've blown it." "We have another hour to get Gordon." "An hour?" "Yeah, uh, Mrs. Siebler, good news... yeah." "We-we got her." "Yeah, we did." "Listen, there is just one tiny little thing." "We didn't "get her" get her, though." "I..." "I mean, in a way, we got her but not like if you get somebody." "You know how, you say like if you was playing hide-and-go-get-it and you get it, but you don't really get none of it but you get it?" "That's kind of the way that we got her... is she got, but not really got, if you know what I'm saying." "It's kind of an enigma." "Now to us, beef might be a big deal but to a cow, it's just another day." "You know what to do." "Keep them boys tethered." "Sit." "Oh, and I got a belly full of steer." "Gordon Moore!" "I am hereby here to serve you!" "Gordo!" "This is Warren." " Hey, Warren..." "Gordon, finally, damn." "Look, Sara's been served but there's been a problem." "Hey, you're telling me there's a problem." "She and that process server are crawling all over my ass right now." "I got you, Gordo!" "Ooh... damn longhorns." "Uh, Gordon..." "Hang on." "Gordo!" "Okay, go ahead." "Yeah?" "Gordon, this whole thing's a little difficult to explain right now." "They can still serve you, Gordon so you can't let them catch you or you're screwed." "Just stay away from them for the next 22 minutes." "That'll be till 7:04." "Can you do that, do you think?" "Yeah, now I can." "Season ticket holder." "Yeah?" "Look, I've just talked to Warren." "Get your ass down to Union Arena." "We got to keep Joe off Gordon until 7:04." "Got it." "Hey, Ray?" "Yeah." "Where the hell's the Union Arena?" "I don't know." "You the one in Texas." "Time for the beasties to battle." "It's been building all afternoon." "And here we have the finals..." "I have an idea." "What?" "Just come on." "Hey, you can't come in here." "Does this phone work?" "What are you doing?" "Damn it, Cheryl, you know as well as I do in about 30 minutes 20,000 of those church-going fans are going to be puking up their vital organs and it's not going to be pretty." "Who are you guys?" "Center for Disease Control." "You see, this man most recently was bitten by a monkey at our facility." "My, God, I wish there was some way we could warn these poor, innocent people." "What's your name, son?" " Rusty." "Rusty... have you ever dreamed of being a hero?" "Have you, Rusty?" "Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention, please?" "Joe?" "There is no need for alarm, but if the individual pictured on the screen above you..." "Nice job, Rusty... is sitting anywhere near you please get up and walk away from him in a calm, orderly fashion." "He may be a carrier of the deadly" "Ebola virus." "Goddamn you, Joe!" "My God!" "It's the Ebola guy!" "Hey, I'm clean." "That's him." "Shoot him." "No, no, wait." "Don't-Don't shoot him." "Don't shoot him." "I need to serve him!" "I need to serve him!" "Freeze!" "Somebody shoot him!" "Hold it." "I'm going to get you, Joe!" "Oh, boy." "How do you do this?" "Oh, this is gonna be ugly." "Mommy!" "Get this damn truck off me!" "Eat me." "My dog ain't in that fight." "Adios, amigos." "Last call, Gordy." "Gordon Moore, you are hereby served for divorce... under the laws governing the State of New York." "Here you go, hop-a-long." "You know, dusty." "Say "Half."" " Hang on." "Let's rock and roll." "This Gordon guy's going to need to be quarantined for about a year." "Excuse me, sir." "We did it." " Yeah, I guess so." "Business first." "You'll get your money, don't worry." "First, you're going to get this." "Hey." "You mother." "Hey, nice driving back there." "You're finished, Joe." "You flipped your mark." "You're finished." "I don't believe you two have met." "Guy who got run over, guy who ran you over." "Ran me over, asshole!" "Screw you, cowboy." "So... where were we?" "We were just getting down to business." "Oh, right." "So, 14 months and a million dollars later" "I got my vineyard." "Growing grapes isn't easy but at least it's got its benefits." "Joe?" "I thought I'd serve you for a change." "The first bottle." "Cheers." "Good luck." "Better than yesterday." "Do you want to have sex again?" " Yeah."