"Wasn't it super of Gaston to send us those lovely orchids?" "Absolutely super." " Yes." "Isn't he a sweetie?" " Isn't he a sweetie?" " Isn't he a sweetie?" " Isn't he a sweetie?" "Look, I'm asking you, isn't he a sweetie?" "Absolutely." "Absolute sweetie." "(Man) One minute." " Look, we'll have to hurry up." " Oh, dear." "Do you think these eyelashes are rather too much?" " They're a bit too much for my fancy." " I think they're a little de trop." "Yes." " Oh." " Oh, yes, there we are." " (They laugh)" " On with the motley." "(Both sigh)" "(Foghorn)" "(Both hum)" "(Both continue humming)" "(They continue playing piano)" "(Both continue humming)" "(Dudley gurgles thanks)" "(Both resume humming)" "(Both gurgle remarks)" "(Both humming and playing piano)" "(Pete gurgles) Come back here." "(Applause)" "Thank you very much." "Erm..." "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the first of the new series of Not Only But Also." "Whose idea was it to go under the Thames like that?" "Er, that was my idea." "You'll find that most of the truly creative visual ideas, er, do come from me." " Oh, I see." "Yes." " Yes." "Oh." "Thank you very much." "That's my cue to introduce the first song of the evening," "Let There Be Love with the lovely Cilla Black." "Thank you." "(Applause)" "# Let there be you" "# Let there be me" "# Let there be oysters" "# Under the sea" "# Let there be wind" "# Occasional rain" "# Chilli con carne" "# Sparkling champagne" "# Let there be birds" "# To sing in the trees" "# Someone to bless me" "# Whenever I sneeze" "# Let there be cuckoos" "# A lark and a dove" "# But first of all" "# Please" "# Let there be love" "# Let there be cuckoos" "# A lark and a dove" "# But first of all" "# Please" "# Let there be love" "# Let there be love" "Er, one and a half, please." "The Himalayan bee hibernates for 12 months of the year." "It is most usually found underground in the foothills of the Andes." "The bee hunts in pears and other fruits for sustenance, and has a somewhat savage nature." "Unlike normal bees it produces beef extract and is worshiped by a tribe of unbelievably stupid pygmies." " Here." " What?" " Can't you read?" " What?" ""Do not feed." You're not allowed to eat in the precincts of the zoo, Dud." " What should I do with my biscuits, Pete?" " Chuck 'em away." "Give 'em to the animals." "Sorry, Pete." "I didn't know, Pete." "Sorry about that." "Oh, that's better." "Nice and warm in here, innit, Pete?" "Nothing like a nice, warm reptile house." " Nothing like a nice, warm reptile house." " Nothing like it." "Look at that." " Oh, dear." " Feel like a sit down, eh?" "Oh." "I'll tell you my special Favourites in here, Doug." " Yeah." " Are those lovely geckos." "Have you seen them, the geckos?" "Geckos?" "What are they, Pete?" "A gecko, Dud, is a lizard what has sucking pads on its feet." "Oh, so they can hang on glass, like, is it?" "Well, it can if it likes, it can hang on anything, really, anything it fancies." "It has a wonderful life, except, of course, it has to eat flies." " Flies?" " Did you know that?" " No, I didn't know that." " Oh, yes, it has to eat flies." "Because as you know, God created it, like he did everything else in his almighty wisdom, and all the animals have to eat each other to keep the population down." "And the gecko got lumbered with flies." "And, er, you know, it's all right when it's born, its mother brings it up some flies all mashed up, daintily garnished with a daisy on top of it, so it can't tell what it's eating." "But as soon as it learns to speak, Dud, and communicate, it says to its mother," ""Excuse me." "What's this I'm eating?"" " And she has to reply, "Flies."" " Darling." "Well, she sugars the pill a bit by saying, "Flies, darling, they're very good for you."" "But that's why the gecko doesn't live very long, it can't bear eating the stuff." "I don't blame it, really, with a diet of flies." " I couldn't bear that, eating flies." " I wouldn't like to be a gecko." "I'd like to be a poisonous snake, actually, Pete." " Well, you've got fangs and that." " Yeah, fangs." "You've got prominent teeth already." "You'd do well." "I'd hollow them out, put a bit of cyanide in them, and go round and, you know, put me teeth into people's arms and kill 'em and that." "What sort of..." "What sort of a poisonous snake would you be?" " Would you be an asp?" " No." "I'd be a viper." "Well, that's the same thing as an asp." " An asp is a viper, Dud." " Is it?" ""Asp" was a word invented by Shakespeare during the 13th century to denote the viper." "Because as you know, Shakespeare, what a wonderful writer..." " What a wonderful writer." " What a wonderful writer." "He was doing this wonderful verse play about Cleopatra, how she got wrapped up in a carpet." "Oh, that's right." "She was on the needle in the carpet." "That's right, yes." "Shakespeare had been writing this wonderful verse couplet to describe the scene, when a snake comes rustling up her undies and begins..." " begins to start biting into her, er..." "Busty substances." "Into her busty substances." "And he'd written this wonderful verse couplet, you see, but the only thing is he only had one syllable to describe the snake." " Oh." " So viper was too long for the scansion, so he invented the word "asp"." " and a very good word." " Wonderful." "I suppose it's a sort of Shakespearean abbreviation for "a stinging personality", Pete." " A-S-P, yes, I suppose that's the reason." " Yeah." "Here." "No, I don't reckon it was an asp what stung Cleopatra in the chest," "I bet it was a bra constrictor." "What do you mean?" "It was an asp." "No, a bra constrictor, Pete." "Bra..." "Er, boa constrict..." "Boa." "It's a joke, Pete." "Oh, it was a joke, was it?" "Well, it's very bad taste." "You shouldn't make jokes about people who are dead because they can't fight back, Dud." " Sorry, Pete." " I wouldn't be a reptile at all if I had the choice, you know." "If I had the choice, I'd be something lovely and cuddly and lovable." "Something like those lovely hummingbirds, which hum with their myriad hues above the flowers." "And they've got huge long tongues, you know, all coiled up like watch springs, and they can poke 'em out to 40 yards long." " Really?" "Which means a hummingbird, Dud, can kiss at immense distances." "That means that you could stand on the Chiswick flyover and kiss someone up the Staines bypass." "Yes." "What's more you could be hovering 4 ft. above the ground and humming." "A wonderful opportunity." " Wonderful." " Wonderful." "I tell you, I tell you a creature I think is a very cuddly little creature." "That's a chameleon." " Versatile, Dud." " Versatile creature, Pete." " Versatile." " Wonderful." "They're so adaptable." "They can take on the shape and colour of anything they like." "The colour or the hue can be taken on, Dud." " Yeah." "Do you remember Mr. Rigby?" " Yes." "He nearly went for a wedding ceremony with one." "He would have been very happy with a chameleon." " They're quite adaptable." " Oh, they're lovely wives." "I was here last week, Pete, I don't know if I told you, in the zoo." " Yes, you did." " And..." "I saw the..." " Did I?" "Oh." " Yeah, yeah." " And I saw..." " I was here with you." "I saw..." "I saw this, er... this sign saying, "Topical fish this way."" "So I thought, "Great, you know, see a few topical fish, get a few up-to-the-minute comments on current affairs, you know."" "You thought you'd see some, you know, topical barbs about the situation in the world today." " That's right, yeah." " What did you see?" "What did I see?" "I go in there, it's just a lot of fish floating about." " More timeless than topical, Pete." " Nothing topical about that." "I'll tell you what you've done." "You've got into the tropical fish department." " Oh, I see." " That's tropical rather than topical, you see." "What has happened is during the winter months, during the gales and the blustery weathers, sometimes some of the letters become dislodged, you see, because of the gales, and obviously the letter "R" has become dislodged in this case." "I was talking to the keeper about it, actually, and he said that very often during the winter months, his Rs blew off." "He found that was a..." "He found that was a feature of his winter life, his Rs blowing off." "Well..." "I think I've had enough of the reptile house." "I've had quite enough." "I tell you what, let's go on to the wonkey house." "No, that's an "M" what's got blown upside down." "(# Jazz)" "Good evening." "Tonight in Fight Of The Century, we take a look at one of the most controversial heavyweight bouts in the history of boxing, the so-called Racial Revenge bout between Gentleman Jim Cook, the Torquay stylist, and Dudley Moon, the so-called Dagenham Dodger." "The year 1890, at Ascot the Aga Khan wins the Derby, a surprise to many of the horses who had entered" "Notts." "County win a thrilling FA Cup final." "And in faraway Munich, Germany, a young man has not yet been born, his name, Adolf Hitler." "The Dodger had sworn to avenge the white race." "For years he had taunted his opponent with the charge of being both a coward and a negro." "When it was pointed out that his opponent was white, he retorted," ""White Negroes are the worst kind. "" "The champion was supremely confident and only trained lightly." "He vowed to give his opponent a boxing lesson over 2001 rounds." "(Cock crows)" "Came the day of the fight and the Dodger is the first to arrive." "Hatred is written all over his face." "The champion, serenely calm, towers over his seconds, as he makes his way towards the weigh-in." "The Dodger." "And the Gentleman." "At the weigh-in, the Dodger, still spouting his defiance, comes in at 3 stone, 2." "The champion is at his best fighting weight, 18 stone, 3, radiating confidence." "(Cheering)" "The Dodger is the first to enter the ring." "Just look at him, a bundle of malignant rage, as he flaunts his minute size and lack of ability to the crowds." "(Booing)" "Skipping and dancing in rage and hatred." "A repulsive sight." "And now the champion, a majestic figure, enters the ring, ignoring the furious taunts of his puny opponent." "Referee Jim Stoddard calls them together, warns the Dodger against fighting at all in the face of such tremendous odds." "Round one and the champion easily holds off the frenzied attacks of the Dodger." "The question that reigns on everybody's lips, could the inferior height, weight, reach and ability of the challenger prevail against the greater size, strength and skill of the champion?" "On the face of it, the answer seems to be... no." "There seems almost to be a measure of desperation about the Dodger's tactics, even in these opening minutes." "He can't cope with his opponent's superior reach." "But his ingenuity begins to show itself in a few moments, as at last he begins to make skilful use of the ropes." "Here we see it, bidding to tie up his larger opponent." "Referee not altogether certain of these tactics." "Returns to the fight." "The round continues with the champion taking on control." "The Dodger just can't cope with the ability and skill of the Torquay stylist." "A leg hold there but the champion can easily deal with it." "He pummels his opponent, left, right to the body." "And the challenger is in trouble." "And his only possibility is to reach for the gong." "Dagenham Dodger saved by the gong in the first round, but still very game and eager for a fight." "The champion is a baronet from Devon." "His hobbies are painting and good works." "The challenger hails from Dagenham, and uses his spare time for wife beating." "The second round follows the pattern of the first." "Despite the Dodger's unorthodox tactics, the champion is in complete control." "To the onlookers, he seems to be toying with his opponent." "Night falls as round 93 begins." "Still the champion continues to punish his diminutive opponent." "Can the Dodger pull anything out of the bag?" "(Whizzing noise)" "Apparently, no." "Round 2,000 shows a change in the Dodger's tactics." "Even so, his tremendous weakness and inability seem to be exacting their toll." "The end is near." "Here comes the fatal round 2,001." "Will the champion keep his promise?" "The answer seems to be yes." "Controversy still rages over the knockout punch." "Was it a flick or was it a chop?" "We shall never know." "But the moral of the fight is clear, a good big 'un will always beat a rotten little 'un." "(Man whistles All Things Bright And Beautiful)" "Is that you, Roger?" "Yes, Father." "A cup of tea here for you, if you'd like one." "That's kind of you, sir, but I've just got in from rugger and I'm grubby." " I think I ought to shower first, sir." " Pour me a cup, there's a good chap." " Certainly, sir." "Yes, of course." " Thank you." "How was school today?" "Oh, much as usual, thank you, sir, but I caught someone having a crafty smoke behind the wooden buildings." "Had to give him rather a ticking off." "Such a filthy habit, you know, sir." "It's a filthy habit, Roger." " There we are, sir." "If you'll excuse me." " Thank you." " Er, Roger." " Yes, sir?" "Erm..." "Oh." "Sir." "Sit down." "Roger." "Your mother and I were having a bit of a chat the other day." "And she thought it might be a good idea if I was to have a bit of a chat..." "With you." "Erm..." " A bit of a chat, sir?" " A bit of a chat, yes, Roger." "Just..." " Erm..." " ...a bit of a chat." "What about, sir?" "Well, there's nothing to be worried about, Roger, it's just that, erm..." "Well, to be perfectly frank... how old are you?" "Well, to be perfectly frank, sir, I'm coming up to 18." "Just coming up to 18." " Well, on the verge." " On the verge of 18." "Yes, well, I thought it might be a good idea to have a bit of a chat..." "Now, because I remember from my own experience that it was when I was just, you know, coming up to 18..." " On the verge." " ...on the verge of it, that I first began to take a... a serious interest in the, erm... in the opposite, erm... the opposite number." "Now, I don't know, Roger, if you know anything about the method whereby you came to be brought about." "Well, sir, some of the boys at school say very filthy things about it, sir." "This is what I was worried about and this is why I thought I'd have a bit of a chat and explain absolutely frankly and openly, the method whereby you and everybody in this world came to be." "Roger." "In order..." "In order... for you to be brought about..." "It was necessary for your mother and I to do something." "In particular, it was necessary for your mother..." "It was necessary for your mother to sit on a chair." "To sit on a chair which I had recently vacated and which was still warm from my body." "And then something very mysterious, rather wonderful and beautiful happened, and sure enough, four years later... you were born." "There's nothing unhealthy about this, Roger, there's nothing unnatural." "It's a beautiful thing in the right hands and there's no need to think less of your mother because of it." "She had to do it, she did it and here you are." "Well, sir, it's very kind of you to tell me." "One thing, actually, slightly alarms me." "I was sitting in this very chair yesterday, sir, and I vacated it and the cat sat on it while it was still warm." "Erm, should we have it destroyed?" "It's a lovely chair, Roger." "No, the cat, sir." "Destroy..." "Oh, no, Roger, you don't understand." "This thing of which I speak can only happen between two people who are married." "And you're not married." "Well, not yet anyway, sir." "Not to the cat in any case." "Well, Roger, now you have this knowledge about chairs and warmth..." "I hope..." "I hope you use it wisely." " Sir." " And take no notice of your school friends, or what Uncle Bertie may say." "Dirty Uncle Bertie they call him at school, sir." "Dirty Uncle Bertie and they're right, Roger." "Your Uncle Bertie is a dirty, dirty man." "He's been living with us now for 40 years, and it does seem a day too much." "You know, if it hadn't been for your mother, Roger, I don't know where we'd have been." "She's the only person who can really cope with Uncle Bertie, she's the only one who can really deal with him." "I don't know if you realize this, Roger, but your mother even has to sleep in the same bed as Uncle Bertie... to prevent him getting up to anything in the night." "If only there were more people like your mother, Roger." "Well, I'm..." "I'm very pleased that you have told me this, sir, because, as I say," "I'm very glad I don't have to believe all those filthy things that the boys at school say, and only yesterday Uncle Bertie said to me..." "Take no notice of Uncle Bertie, Roger." "He's a sick, sick man and we should feel sorry for him." "Well, I'll..." "I'll try, sir." "Well..." "Thank you, sir." "Erm, I wonder if I should take a cup of tea up to Mother while it's still..." " I..." "I wouldn't do that, Roger." "She's upstairs at the moment..." "Coping with Uncle Bertie." "Poor Uncle Bertie." "Poor Uncle Bertie." "I'm glad you turned up, we've just got to the end of the show." " Very professional." " (She laughs)" "# Now's the time to say goodbye" " # Goodbye" " Goodbye." "# Now is the time to yield a sigh" " Yield it, baby." " Oh, kiss me, Peter." "What an outrageous thing to say!" "# Now's the time to wend our way" "# Until we meet again" "# Some sunny day" "Ooh." "# Goodbye, goodbye # Goodbye" "# We're leaving you, sweetheart" "# Goodbye, we wish you a fond goodbye" "# Oh!" "# Goodbye, goodbye" "# Goodbye # We're leaving you, goodbye" "# Goodbye" "# Oh-oh-oh" "# La-da da da # La-ahh" "# La-da-da-da" "# Ba-da-da-da, ba ba ba" "# Goodbye, goodbye" "# We're leaving you, goodbye" "# Goodbye" "# We wish you a fond goodbye #"