"Oh god, woe is me." "Ben, what are you doing?" "Agh!" "Jeez, dad!" "What are you doing up, Ben?" "Oh, I'm just sitting, thinking." "Have you been to bed?" "I went to bed and I got up, I had an awful dream." "Are you sure it was a dream?" "I can't remember it, but it really shook me." "I was gonna come wake you, but I figured..." "You could always do that, you know?" "Isn't there a certain age that you reach." "Where you can't go to your dad when you've had a bad dream?" "That's not true, I don't think there's..." "Well, maybe you're right." "You know, Freud says that it's not..." "Freud, shmoid, who cares?" "Who's he?" "He's not some guy like me who loves you." "That's for damn sure." "Well, what would he say that my dream was about?" "Well, I think you'd need to give him." "A little more information, you know?" " You're thinking of Sherlock Holmes." " Yeah." "You know, you should get into the habit of writing your dreams down as soon as you wake up." " Why?" "It'll give me something to read in the bathroom." "Maybe if you give me..." "If you start me off..." "Say anything and I'll see if it was..." "Then maybe it would trigger it." " Um, garlic?" " Wasn't in it." " Cilantro." " No." "I know where this is leading." " A snack?" " Yep." "Yes!" "Hey, dad, you didn't tell me how your African mask-making course went." "It's going very well." "And it's not at all competitive, but I think that I'm winning." " Yeah." "And I really wish you would not play with that mask, Ben, because that's not a toy." "Well, I know it's not a toy, dad, but I was up and I needed to occupy myself, so I was just..." "It's very powerful stuff, this..." " Hey, dad?" " Yes, Ben." "Please take that off." "I don't want you putting the mask..." " Hey, dad, look at me!" " Ben, I want you to..." " Ben, it is not...!" " Rawr!" "I'm a witch doctor, rawr!" " Dad, it's just me, Ben." " Yeah, sure." "I had the mask on." "You probably don't remember some of the things you said while you had it on, do you?" "What did I say?" "You said, "I'm a witch doctor."" " Oh my god, I never wanted to say those things." " Yeah." "You know, you can make fun of this all you want, but I'm not abandoning this course, and I believe very much in the power of these masks so you can really channel other spirits." "When you put on a mask?" " Is that it?" " Yeah." "Or do you just look really stupid?" "Try to get back to sleep." "Let me take the mask." "I don't think that's gonna help." "No, I'm just gonna hold onto it, if you don't mind." "Well..." "Dad, don't pull on it, you'll break it." "Okay, just give me the mask." "You broke it." "You look like a girl that I've seen before, or I just..." "Maybe it's your name, although I don't know your name." "Maybe she's not even listening to me." "I'll test her." "Excuse me, do you have any matches?" "'Cause I'm gonna light the building on fire." "Huh?" "Nothing, I thought it was time." "Could you wait over there, please?" "I'll wait here, I'll wait over there." "Time and space doesn't matter to me." "I'm a traveling..." "I'm Magellan." "I'm a local Magellan." "I can go from here to over there." "I consider this rug like a small pacific ocean." " Well, can I just ask you a couple of quick questions?" " Yep." "First of all, have you seen any other therapists?" "Um... yep." "Okay, and don't let the brevity of my question." "Influence the length of your answer, you know?" "All right." "These are just things I need to know for insurance purposes." "Oh..." "I saw one when I was nine years old." "For most of my year of being nine," "I saw a psychiatrist." "Was that your idea?" "Was that your parents' idea?" "It was my parents' idea, because I have a tendency to over..." "Well, this is only from other people's angle on it." "You might say I over-think situations, but I don't think that I over-think situations." "I just think..." "Not saying that the rest of the world under-thinks." "I'm not being arrogant, I'm just saying..." "They made me go because they thought I was over..." "Should I just tell you what the situation is, rather than...?" "Please." "I realized as a young boy." "That most people die when they're in double digits." "You know, most people don't die before 10." "And after 100." "So I was nine, and I was going in." "I was going in." "You were about to enter your double digits." "Yes, and it was freaking me out." "I was nervous." "I couldn't sleep." "And they asked me, "What's wrong?"" "And I told 'em, and that's when they had me go to a psychiatrist." "I don't know if it helped or not." "I turned 10, anyway, and it's a true thing, you know?" "Is there a history of longevity in your family?" "Yeah, with the older people there is." "Why did you stop seeing Dr. Glassman?" "My parents thought I was more relaxed." "And I was more sociable." "What I did was I faked being normal to the point of they said I didn't have to go anymore." "How did you act normal?" "What did you think normal was as a nine-year-old?" "You know, helping with the dishes and mowing the lawn" "And smiling and not telling them what I was really thinking." "Because it says..." "Not just picking the cat up and whipping it through the picture window." "And lighting the garage on fire." "And drawings with knives and everything." "I'd show them the trees and the lake." ""Oh, see, isn't that good?" "See, the boat on the water?" "Good!"" "But my real paintings in the closet, you know..." " Didn't show 'em." " No." "They'd make something look like something else." "I'm not good with analogies." "That was fine." "Tell me your earliest childhood memory." "Uh..." "I was, uh, four months old." "I realized I had the full power of speech, and there was a nurse came in, and I said a complete and whole sentence to her." "I said, "Would you mind shutting the window?"" "I think my feet are getting cold."" "And her reaction was so horrifying." "That I realized I'd better wait." "At least 10 more months before I do this again." "I'll never forget that nurse." "Heather something." "And you?" "How about your earliest memory?" "Well, that's not really appropriate, Steven." "This is not about me." "That just makes my imagination run wild." "Scary." "Hey, there's Mr. Mask, dad, looking right at us." "What do you think?" "Well, for all I know, this one could really suck." "Thanks." " You know?" " Thanks." "Well, you know, it's just a hobby, really." "It's a fun hobby..." "And a dumb hobby." "It's just a wonderfully creative outlet." "Does it light up?" " No." " Oh." "But masks can be very powerful." "Someone behind the mask can be whoever he or she wants to be." "Oh, like a bank robber, right?" "Well, yeah, I guess." "See, knowing who you are isn't important." "What matters is finding out who you can be." "What the hell was that?" "I'm quoting my teacher now." "But it's true." "So when you put the mask on, you can let the inner spirit out, because you're not so worried about inhibitions?" "It's a form of self-exploration, is what it is." "And really a study in personal growth." "And discovering who you can be, and it's really been an enormous adventure for me." "Dad, you know why people wore masks." "Hundreds of years ago?" " Why is that?" " They were ugly." "Well, I really feel like it's changed me." " Not just the masks..." " No." "The wearing of the masks, but just the making of the masks, and using my own hands to do that, you know?" "Sometimes, Laura..." "Uh, is anyone else here?" "No." "Sometimes when I'm wearing the mask," "I actually feel..." " Wait..." "Dr. Katz?" " Yeah?" "Is this something that I'm not gonna wanna hear?" "I think so." "All right, I just wanted to know." "Yeah, sometimes when I'm wearing the mask," "I actually feel more in touch with my feminine side." "Oh, you were right." "Mark Schiff for Dr. Katz." "You don't have to take sides." "When I was growing up, my grandparents lived with us," " when I was a kid." " Mmm-hmm." " Grandmothers have the biggest underwear on the planet." " Sure." "This stuff is huge." "And all she did all day was soak this stuff in the bathroom sink and leave it floating there for, like, months." "I'd go, "Grandma, it's alive." "Little bubbles coming up out of the thing."" "This stuff was so heavy, she would hang it from the shower rod." "The thing would bend the shower rod." "All night I'm trying to sleep." "I hear this thing dripping, like..." "I'm yelling, "Wring it out!" "Wring it out!"" "My grandfather too." "My grandfather came from the old country." "Where is this place?" "And they have stories you cannot prove." "He told me he moved to the United States when he was two by himself." "One of the things..." "When I was growing up, my mother always hated cleaning up anything when I was a kid." "She always said the same thing." ""You know, Mark, I am not your maid."" "In my head, I'm thinking, "Yes, you are." "Somebody's been cleaning up." "It hasn't been me."" "You ever get a check in the restaurant." " And they leave something off your check?" " Yeah." "But someone at your table always gets really nervous?" "They always go, "Shut up, they left the roast beef off." "We'll walk out slow."" "Or sometimes you go out with 8, 9, 10 people." "You get that check." "Everybody gives the money to one person." "This guy always gets screwed." "The bill's 100." "He's got $4 in his hand." "Everyone's outside, going, "Let's go!"" "You know, one of the great things about being married is you learn a lot about yourself." " Sure." "And you get weird questions." "The other night, 4:00 in the morning." "I got up to go to the bathroom." "I walk back in the bedroom, I'm in my underwear." "My eyes are closed." "She goes, "Where were you?"" "4:00 in the morning, in my underwear?" ""Where were you?"" ""I went hunting."" "You ever wake up 4:00 in the morning, look at the alarm clock, and immediately start doing math." "To figure out how much time you have left to sleep?" "And I do better math out of a dead sleep than I do in the middle of the afternoon." "You ever wake up and go, "Three hours, seven minutes?"" ""30 minutes, seven seconds."" "Laura!" "Laura!" "La-la-Laura." "Stop it!" "Wow, you know, I didn't even write that." "I just made it up." "Can you..." "Mark, excuse me one second, please." "Hey, Ben." "Hey, what is going on here?" "Ben, is this...?" "Ben, where are we?" "Senegal?" "See, already you're way off base." "You're in my office." " I have a patient in there..." " I'm sorry!" "Who doesn't find this either musical or amusing." "Was that loud?" " Take off your mask." " Sorry." " Did you make that?" " No, I bought it." "I glued the letters B-E-N on the top." "Ben, did the bongos come with the mask or was that extra?" "Extra 1.50." " Hello?" " Argh!" "What number did you dial?" "Argh!" "Oh, Ben, Ben, I thought you were a big, scary monster for a second." "The mask doesn't work on the phone as well as it does in person." "But you knew I was wearing it, didn't you?" "Well, I just assumed..." "Wait a sec, wait a sec..." "Am I wearing it right now?" " Ready?" " Yep." "No." "See?" "Am I wearing it now?" "I can't understand you 'cause of the mask." "I was wearing it." "See, when you wear it, it's a little bit better." "It's liberating, isn't it?" "Well, it's not as seeped in the tradition as yours is." "Mine's made out of a box and some glue." "Well, Ben, it's your first homemade mask." "Don't be so hard on yourself." " And there's a slight problem." " What's that?" " It's stuck to my head." " Oy!" "Jeez, I wonder how long the silence is gonna go." "Just take everything in." "Excuse me... do you know what time it is?" " No." " Thanks." "Total fake question." "Just needed to check her hearing." "I have it made, man, I have it made." "Steven, I'm gonna say a couple of expressions, and tell me what they mean to you." " All right." ""Take it with a grain of salt."" "What does that mean to you?" ""Get out of here."" " Okay." " All right." "What about "People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones?"" "That always confused me." "You know, if you were throwing stones in any house, it would be damaging." "You're two for two." "How would you interpret." ""A rolling stone gathers no moss?"" "Can't." "And this is part of a cognitive test, Steven:" "Can you spell the word, "World" backwards?" "From where?" "From where you are." "D-l-r-o-w." "That's plenty." "And I actually don't believe that dreams are as significant as some of my colleagues believe." " Really?" " Yeah." "I agree, I agree." "There are different schools of thought on that." "Yeah, there are three different schools of thought, and I couldn't get into any of them." "Yeesh." " Well, you know what Freud said." " What?" "He said, "It's the dreamer, not the dream."" "Well, no, I didn't know that, but I did know that he said," ""The dream is the life of the mind while asleep."" "Say that again slow." "You know where I read that?" "You know where I got that?" "No, where'd you get that?" "You know, we got those new Freud napkins." "You haven't seen those?" "Freud cocktail napkins?" "What a great idea." "Even if you're making it up, that's a great idea." "So if someone has a drink and they have like a little freudian slip, you just wipe it up with them." "Yeesh!" "Oh, well, you know, the weirdest dream I ever had..." "I dreamed that parallel lines do meet..." "But they're discreet." "Oh, man." "And there was another dream I had about a soap opera that I saw as a kid." "I was home sick one day, and I used to have a dream with this soap opera." " Really?" " It was very scary." "What was scary about that?" " Just the quality of the acting." " Heh-heh." "I don't know what I'm saying, dad." "All I know is I'm really tired, but I can't sleep." "Is it the dream, Ben?" "I guess so, but I still can't remember what it was." "I have a quick flash of something that was in this dream." "Yeah?" " You were in it." " How'd I do?" "That's it!" "That's it!" "That's what the dream was." "The bad dream I had, that was the dream!" "Okay, Ben, calm down." "That was it." "I had this dream that I was trying to kill you." "Well, that's..." "You know what that means, don't you?" "Well, it means that..." "I'm gonna have to kill you." "Jeez, I'm looking for another interpretation." "You'd better find one quick." "Why don't you just beat the crap out of me and we call it a day?" "All right." "Ben, I have dreams all the time where I'm trying to kill you." "Is that true?" "Yeah, I think what's important is not to be uncomfortable with those dreams." "And just enjoy them for what they are." "Jeez, but that's an awfully bad dream to have about your own father." "Was there something in the dream that was uncomfortable for you to see or to feel?" "Dad, punch out, will you?" "Get off the therapy for two seconds and talk to me like a man." "You know what the most obvious interpretation of that dream is?" "What's that?" "You don't like me that much." "I guess..." "But I'm not willing to even consider that one." "I'm gonna go with the more traditional interpretation, which is that you really don't like your mother." "Yeah, all right." "In your dreams, how do you kill me?" "I hire an assassin." "Oh, you're such a coward, Ben." "This guy was good, though, total pro." "You know how you die in my dream?" "Lethal injection." "Do I inject myself?" "No, I injected you." "I told you it was a polio vaccine." "How old was I when you tried to kill me?" " First time?" " Yeah." "10, and then every year from then on." "I cannot wait to go to bed now and think up a new way to kill you." " Let's race." " All right." " Guess what?" " Yeah?" "I feel closer to you, somehow." "You know what?" "I feel the same way." "And I'm so glad that we can have these kind of frank conversations." "Yeah, I'd never realized how much talking about killing you would make me feel so much better about my life." "And the same goes for me and double." "Yeah, well, I double more than you, because I'm better." " Yeah." "Just sleep with one eye open." "That's all I'm saying, dad." " Watch your back, Ben." " Yeah, you watch yourself." "Good night." "I actually went to see my doctor recently too." "You know, I had to get a physical." "I don't know about you, but doctors have this power." "Doctors can open up any door and just go," ""Get undressed, I'll be right in."" "Don't you wish you had that power?" "And doctors make you sit on this table, with that white deli paper underneath you." "Mmm-hmm." "I usually bring a little pickle." "I set it next to me on the table there." "And they give you these forms to fill out, put down things like emergency phone number." "I always put down 9-1-1." "Well, you can't go wrong with that one." "And they ask you what kind of diet you're on." "You wanna get 'em nuts?" "Make up the most horrible diet." ""Well, doc, for breakfast, I usually have a dozen eggs, 4 pounds of cheese." "Then I smoke a couple cigars and I jog uphill for an hour." "Then I come home, have a box of salt, then I get some lard, and I actually rub it right on my heart."" "I have no energy, doc." "I feel like the life has been sucked out of me."" "I'm Jewish, and I tried lifting weights, but the truth is that Jews don't lift weights." "They say to people," ""Would you help me pick that up, please?"" "A lot of things Jews don't do." "There are no Jewish rodeo stars." "That's true." "You never hear things like," ""Morris Greenberg out of chute eight!" "Go get 'em, Moe!"" "With his mother running behind him, going," ""Get off!" "You're gonna fall!"" "There are no Jewish bank robbers." "You never hear things like, "Oy, put your hands up." "Get on the floor, get up, you'll get dirty."" "Steven, what about your sexual desire?" "Would you say that that fluctuates?" "Fluctuates from extreme to very high, back and forth, like a rabid sparrow trying to get out of an attic, trying to find the window on the end." "Go, go, back and forth." "Back and forth." "So it's good, then?" "It's good and frustrating, simultaneously." "Are you able to sustain a relationship with a woman these days?" "The longest relationship I've had is four months." "With a woman." "Is that ever?" "Or is that just over the last couple of years?" "The last couple of years, they seem to be getting shorter." "The longest one I had was six months, when I was in ninth grade." "I went out with a woman." "She was 31, and I was a boy scout." "I told her I was in the air force." "She wasn't very intelligent, but she was something." " She was passionate?" " Passionate." "She had her own place." " Did your parents find out about that?" " Yeah." "When I kept asking them to drive me to Hanscom Field." "Then they figured it out." "They waited one time, they saw me, like, go in the officers' club and out the other side." "And get into a '72 Chevy with this blonde woman who lives in Stoneham." "She was an architect or a shoe salesman or something." "We didn't talk a lot." "Oops... you know what the music means." "Our time is up." "Her name is Heidi, her name was Heidi." "Hey, you wanna put on the masks and act out?" "I'm always up for that." "Let's just do sock puppets." "You're getting so lazy." "I just was sick of making the masks." "I just figured, "Put a sock on your hand." "That's so much easier."" "Okay, but I call lamb chops." "That has gotta be the most brilliant production breakthrough." "You know, she's parlayed this sock into a multi-billion-dollar industry." "That's a sock?" "What did you think lamb chops was?" "Holy god, that's good." "I had no idea it was a sock." "I thought it was part of her hand." "Someday, they're gonna clone socks."