"Randy has several issues when he sleeps:" "he grinds his teeth, he occasionally punches me in the face, and he doesn't always breathe." "And although temporarily dying 12 times a night didn't bother Randy, it sure bothered me." "I'm Nicole Moses with the "Up Before Dawn" news report." "Looking first to traffic." "There is no traffic..." "because nobody's up yet." "But being awake at 4:00 a.m." "must have been karma's way of telling me to do number 29 on my list," ""Harass the reporter."" "It all started back when I was married to Joy." "Was that the Alcott's meth lab ?" "The Alcott's are close, would have been hit by debris." "It was the Alcott's." "People who are on meth shouldn't make meth." "It's always the second batch that blows." "Exploding trailers were pretty common where we lived, but this one was special, 'cause a celebrity blew up in it." "Buck West, owner of the "I Come To You And Clean Your Dog" "With My Own Supplies Mobile Pet Grooming Company" is dead." "Apparently, his love for clean animals was outweighed by this love for crystal meth." "Hey, dummy !" "You and your stupid brother are on TV !" "The family asks that donations in the name of Mr. West be made to the family." "Buck West was a man who lived his life to the fullest." "Crazy arms !" "I got crazy arms !" "I can't control 'em !" "Oh, snap, I got to record this." "Luckily, Joy had just finished taping Wheel of Fortune, so the camcorder was handy." "Stop it." "Also, reported killed in the explosion were two drifters a homeless man and a bomb." "Ah !" "No berry twisters !" "No berry twisters !" "And as fun as it was acting stupid on live TV, it was even more fun the next day when we found out other people were enjoying it, too." "Hey, Earl, you guys were funny !" "A lot of folks were upset about that meth lab blowing up, but you and your crazy arms helped them smile again." "Yeah, that was the best thing on TV since that overly aggressive minister climbed into that gorilla's cage to try to baptize it." "Crazy Arms was sweeping the Crab Shack, and me and Randy were the proudest brothers since Eddie Van Halen and his drummer brother." "And just like Van Halen, we were going to keep playing, until everybody got sick of us." "We're here at the ribbon-cutting ceremony of Camden's newest drug and alcohol treatment center, with local celebrity, TV's Tipstack." "Local ?" "Would Pat Sajak have dinner with a local celebrity ?" "This drug and alcohol treatment..." " center..." " Hey !" "I'm Nicole Moses." "live, back to you in the studio." "Me and Randy had given Channel 3 its biggest ratings, since the chick who spun the lottery wheel's boob fell out." "Live report." "Here comes los brazos locos." "Zoo officials stressed the escaped bear is agitated and extremely dangerous despite how agreeable bears are often depicted in cartoons." "Authorities..." "Authorities say..." "I got him !" "Authorities say the bear most likely escaped overnight during a training session that..." "Silly brazos locos." "And when we ran out of news events to crash, we started making up our own." "We are here at Simatil's trailer park where a baby has just been reported missing." "My baby !" "My baby is missing." "I don't know what to do." "He is just a baby." "Oh, my God." "That's him." "That's my missing baby in the fridge !" "Follow me on this." "Follow me !" "I'm trying to get to the fridge to save this sweet baby's life !" "Crazy Arms." "Crazy Arms." "You people are not funny !" "I am a serious journalist, and you are just trailer trash !" "Trailer trash !" "Mayonnaise-loving closet humpers !" "And that was the day we finally pushed Nicole too far." "After that, Nicole's career went down the tubes." "Randy, wake up." "We got to go to the news station." "I just saw Nicole Moses." "Thank God you woke me." "I just had an eight-hour dream about a ball of yarn." "It was so boring." "I kept trying to go to sleep, but I already was." "Later that morning, me and Randy went down to the TV station." "While I explained my karma list to Nicole," "Randy looked around for answers about how TV was made." "He always hoped there was a machine that shrunk down people and furniture to TV size." "Well, he didn't see anything that looked like a ray gun, but he did find something else that made him curious." "I want to put you on the news." "Me on the news ?" "Yes." "I just need one great, heartwarming story and my boss will give me another shot." "Nick Chavez, he did this story about Siamese twins getting a little cart so the big one could take the little one to the mall, and they put him in the anchor spot." "I remember that story;" "Kiki and Tiki." "They went to Foot Locker, but the salesman wouldn't let them buy three shoes." "It's perfect." "I can see the tagline already." ""From 'hood to good."" "We start with one of your mug shots, then fade to a list item." "Can you give a bath to a crippled lady ?" "I could." "It's not on my list, but they don't scare me or nothing." "No, no, that's okay, that's okay." "We'll get something good from the list." "Would I have to memorize lines or anything ?" "'Cause words tend to go right through my head, unless it's a Polish joke or a Judas Priest song." "No, no memorization and no jokes." "Just you talking about you." "Well, if you think it'll help." "I guess I'm gonna be on TV." "I was looking forward to being on the TV news as an actual invited guest, and so was Randy." "I can't decide whether to comb my hair." "I mean, I want to look presentable, but I want people to recognize me." "You smell good." "Aftershave." "But don't try putting any on your downstairs, it burns." "Man, being a TV star is complicated." "Back when we pestered Nicole, it was easy being on TV, 'cause" "I didn't care what people thought." "But now that I did care what people thought, being on TV made me nervous." "Okay, well, why don't you tell us how the list began ?" "All right." "I, uh...." "I, uh..." "No, no, no, no." "Let it go." "Don't touch it." "Sorry." "It all started back when I was..." "Okay, cut." "Can we do a wireless mike on him, please ?" "Thank you." "If you want to strap one of them mikes on me," "I got a buttonhole here that's missing a button." "It got caught when I was riding down an escalator on my belly." "In fact, it's a pretty good story." "If you want to turn the cameras over here, I..." "Jim, no !" "The light's going to be in the shot." "Come on, people, help me out here." "I don't want to spend the rest of my career doing the crop report with the sock puppet rooster." "Cockadoodle morning, Nicole !" "Why don't you tell us about the situation with the boll weevils ?" "Okay, Earl, why don't you just tell us how you pick a list item ?" "And action." "Well, sometimes I just close my eyes and point to one like this." "Oh, looks like you cost someone a very important client." "By the way, "client" is with a "C"." "He's a diamond in the rough." "I'm sorry." "I have to do that again." "Wait." "He's a diamond in the rough." "Print it." "You lost this woman a valuable client and she works here ?" "Well, today she does." "Hey, Earl." "Patty, I need to talk to you about something on my list." "All right, one sec." "I just got to give this perv a baby bottle, burp him, spank him, powder him, change him, rock him to sleep, and then I'm done here." "Wait, that's the businesswoman ?" "Okay, cut, cut." "Oh, my God, Nicole Moses !" "People always tell me that we look exactly the same." "Do people ever tell you you look like a daytime hooker ?" "'Cause if they do, that's me." "We can't do a story about you helping a hooker !" "This has to be heartwarming and emotional !" "I need a Kiki and Tiki." "No, no, wait," "I can do heartwarming." "I got heartwarming on here !" "I got a heartwarming story." "Remember that finger we found in the park ?" "We could try and find who it belongs to." "Randy, just let me think." "Here's one, number 40, "Wrecked a kid's playhouse."" "Dodge and Earl Jr." "loved that playhouse." "Let's sleep in here tonight." "I'm scared." "There's nothing to be afraid of." "Aliens !" "See, Randy ?" "You thought I couldn't make it all the way home." "Randy ?" "Randy ?" "Oh, crap." "Man makes up for ruining children's dreams." "It's perfect." "The public loves stories of redemption." "Crap, we only have time to shoot the intro." "Let's shoot over there." "I think the guy in the car just paid for another round." "Excuse me, reporter lady." "Am I going to be on the camera pretty soon ?" "'Cause I don't know how long my cowlick is going to stay down." "What ?" "Oh, big fella, no, you're not gonna be on the camera." "The story's about Earl." "I hope I didn't mislead you." "Oh, no, no, no, no." "I didn't think I was going to be in the show." "I didn't even want to be." "See ?" "Hey, dummy, what's wrong ?" "The world run out of macaroni and cheese ?" "Seriously, though, what's your trouble ?" "Stupid reporter lady won't let me be in her story about Earl's list." "That's because it's his list." "Karma hit him with a car, not you." "But I help him cross things off, plus he couldn't have done half the bad things on there if I wasn't with him smashing windows and giving him a boost and stuff." "Well, there's your problem." "I mean, you're just giving him a boost." "Who wants a story about a man standing there pushing up on another man's ass ?" "If you want to get noticed in this world, you got to break away from your brother." "You mean I got to move out of the motel ?" "I don't know, Joy." "I don't like paying money for soap." "I guess I could make it myself." "What are the ingredients ?" "I mean there's soap, there's wrapper, there's..." "You got to stop doing whatever he does." "I mean, when he was bad, you were bad." "When he turned good, you turned good." "You... you got to be your own man." "Do the opposite." "When Earl zigs, you got to zag." "The opposite of Earl." "I can do that." "I'm going to make a list of all the good things I've done and go around screwing those people." "And I'll wear a sombrero while I'm doing it." "Earl never wears a sombrero." "Scattered showers overnight have authorities hoping for relief from the Nathanville tire fire." "What are you doing ?" "I'm practicing my American accent by watching your newslady friend." "The weather today calls for a high of 62 and a low of 48." "You know, if you could have talked like that a couple months ago, you wouldn't have gotten deported." "And, if that doesn't help, they're asking that people stop adding tires to the fire." "Crazy Head !" "Crazy Head is coming to town, and behind him is..." "Get off my set !" "Get him off !" "Crazy Head !" "What the hell is he doing ?" "What the hell happened to his body ?" "You guys, help me !" "Look at me, I'll peck them." "What's going on with you, Randy ?" "I'm wearing a sombrero, which you would never do." "I'm zagging 'cause you always zig, and I'm gonna be my own man starting right..." " ...now." " Oh, Randy !" "God !" "That's me zagging." "Usually, I'd be nice like you and go outside if I had to rip one." "But I'm out of your shadow, Earl." "I'm going to get noticed for being me, and get my own TV news report, and then it won't matter that people don't give me credit for being part of your list, 'cause I'm doing my own thing." "Zag !" "See ?" "You would never do that, would you, Earl ?" "Oh, man !" "No, I wouldn't, and I'm pretty sure the news is never gonna do a story about a sombrero-wearing jackass who goes around breaking lamps." "You're wrong." "And when they do that story," "I'm going to make sure my brother's a part of it 'cause that's something you wouldn't do." "So that's what this is about ?" "I'm sorry, Randy." "I didn't even notice that you were being left out of the story." "Nobody notices me." "It's just like Joy said." "Karma hit you with that car, not me." "Randy, you're a big part of the list." "I know it, you know it, and when this story airs, everyone's going to know it, 'cause you're going to be right there with me building that playhouse." "Really ?" "Absolutely." "Let's zig together, buddy." "Tell the truth, Earl." "Was Crazy Head funny on TV ?" "Was it funny ?" "Yeah, Randy, it was funny." "If it had its own show." "would you watch it ?" "Maybe." "Depends what time." "Nicole wasn't crazy about Randy being in the story, but she knew I was her best chance of getting back on the evening news, and she wasn't gonna get Kiki without Tiki." "I-I learned this in drama camp." "Better butter, butter, better butter, butter, better butter, butter, better butter, butter, better butter, butter, better butter, butter,...." "Nicole Moses." "I didn't realize you were here." "I was just inside reading my Bible." "Everything I do is guided by this holy book." "So, if anybody says that I've done something wrong, well, then they're saying the Bible is wrong." " So" " Hum, hum." "Joy, are you on those happy pills again ?" "No." "I'm just trying to look good in case any potential jurors are watching." "Since you're here, let me introduce you to my family of many colors." "As you can see, I have a white son and a black son, but I don't see race, so I can't tell which is which." "Over here is my husband Darnell." "He's serving America in the Witness Protection Program." "No, I'm not !" "Oh, that's right, honey." "No, he's not." "And, once Nicole turned the camera on us," "I made sure the spotlight landed on Randy." "The best part of doing my list is that I get to do it with my brother, Randy." "He's a great guy and he's special." "See ?" "I made it look like a Little Rascal wrote it." "Now, if we can just spike up a few of Dodge's hairs and teach Earl Junior to say "Otay," we'd have a show." "I also made sure that everyone would know how nice a guy Randy really is." "Look, Randy's helping out by entertaining the kids." "He always has been good with kids." "I'm a little teapot, short and stout." "Here is my handle, here is my spout." "When he's had a few drinks, he uses his junk as the spout." "But never in front of the kids." "He's been like a third daddy to them." "I remember when you were in diapers, and you'd come into the living room saying," ""I pooped my pants !" "I pooped my pants !"" "And me and your old daddy, we'd have to take you out and set you on the porch until your mom come home and change your diaper." "That was fun." "That's on my list." "And, by the time it was over," "I made it look like Randy was in charge." "What do you think, boss ?" "We did it !" "He's my brother and I love him." "And cut." "I got to cross the kids off my list, and once Nicole said the story was good enough to make the evening news," "I knew I could cross her off, too." "And, up next, we welcome back a long-lost friend..." "It's on !" "Nicole Moses has an uplifting story about a hooligan who turned "cool" again." "Nicole." "Think she used the stuff with me in it ?" "I hope so." "Camden native Earl Hickey is a man with a pretty checkered past." "Yeah, I used to be a criminal." "I did bad things." "But then karma made me realize it was time to do some good things." "He does do good things." "And, as it turns out, the real story is a story of two brothers." "Did you remember to call mom ?" "Don't worry." "I called everybody." "You see, out of all the good things Earl Hickey does now, the biggest one is taking care of his mentally disabled brother, Randy, a sweet but needy soul who can't take care of himself." "Better butter, butter, better butter, butter, better butter, butter..." "While Randy Hickey may look like a man, he is little more than a man-child." "What's going on, Earl ?" "Randy can entertain himself for hours with the simplest thing." "I'm a little teapot, short and stout." "Here is my handle, here is my spout." "He's special." "That's why Earl Hickey built his brother a special gift, a gift that only a man would do for his man-child brother." "How do you like your playhouse, Randy ?" "We did it !" "He's my brother, and I love him." "I pooped my pants !" "I pooped my pants !" "I'm Nicole Moses with..." "Randy, come back !" "Poor Randy." "You could edit film to make people think all kinds of things." "Like the moon landing-- that was all done with puppets in my uncle's garage." "Randy was embarrassed." "I just hoped that not everyone had seen the report that day." "Run, Forrest, run !" "But they had." "Turned out Randy wasn't running away from his problem." "He was on his way to confront her." "Why ?" "Why did you do that to me ?" "Why did you make me look stupid ?" "Now I got to go win another Grover out of the claw machine to prove to all those people I'm smart, and that's going to cost, like, $600, and I don't have $600 !" "Look, I'm sorry." "That playhouse story just wasn't that interesting." "I was up against a deadline." "I had to come up with something." "But you ruined my life !" "Let's be honest, Randy." "It's not like NASA was knocking on your door anyway." "And all I did was make you look stupid on TV, just like you did to me every time I did a newscast, including yesterday." "Sorry, Randy." "What goes around comes around." "It's karma, right ?" "Don't worry, Randy." "I'm going to get Nicole to reedit the piece or do a retracteration on the air." "I got noticed." "What ?" "Karma noticed me, Earl." "It made me look mentally disabilitated, even though I'm not." "And if karma noticed me, that means I must be special, and I mean the good special, like you are." "Not the slow one." "Congratulations, Randy." "You know what ?" "This one's yours to cross off." "I think we should cross it off together." "I'm Earl, and I'm gonna cross something off my list." "And then I'm gonna squeeze my crotch really hard." "Oh !" "No berry twisters !" "No berry twisters !" "What the hell are you..." "What the hell are you doing ?" "I'm pulling that tooth that's been hurting you." "You keep moaning in your sleep, and it's making me have mummy dreams." "Still, generally, you're supposed to ask a person before you take out their body parts." "I take off your body parts all the time while you're sleeping." "I clip your toenails, scrape your corns down," "Q-Tip your ears, trim your bangs." "Well, it has been hurting me, and I do hate the dentist." "Soon as I'm back asleep, have at it." "Damn it, Randy !" "You pulled the wrong tooth !"