"Will. you asleep?" "Will!" "Oh." "I'm sorry." "did I wake you?" "Oh. it's okay." "I had to get up anyway." "'cause there was someone at my bedroom door screaming "Will."" "I'm so sorry." "I just-- I couldn't sleep." "I have this presentation tomorrow and l-- you know what?" "Now that-- now that I've woken you up. you look tired." " Go back to sleep." " Oh. come here!" "You always get nuts before something like this. and you're always great." "They're going to love it." "How come you always know exactly the right thing to say?" "'Cause I'm incredibly sensitive." "and because you had the exact same problem last week." "( screams )" "( theme music playing )" "Could you-- just pour the milk?" "It's cereal. not dynamite!" "I don't want it to get too soggy." "I hate when they go "snap. crackle. poop."" "Hey. panic mode." "Clear a path." "My 10:00 was moved to 9:00." "so I only have like three minutes to eat." "Thanks." "Isn't it great how sugar has no fat in it?" "Now." "Grace. if you want to lose weight. try my diet." "Whenever I want to eat." "I've a friend come over and steal my food." "Jack and Grace:" "He's talking about you." "Oh." "I gotta run." "I'm late." "I've got like nine bites left. so I'll just leave the bowl with the doorman." "What was that about." "Flinchy?" "What do you mean?" "You flinched." "Flinchy." "Psst." "Wifey tried to give you a smooch and you flinched." "What's the matter." "Flinchy?" " Trouble in paradise?" " No." "Do you ever have dreams about women?" " Sure." "Bette." "Barbra." "Liza." " No, no." "I mean... sex dreams." "Uh. no." "And why would you?" "You mean Grace?" "She doesn't even have an album." "It's only been a couple of weeks. but it's-  it's kind of got me weirded out." " Weirded out?" "Hi. try disgusted." "Oh." "God!" "Ipecac." "I need ipecac." "You know." "what frightens me." "Jack." "is that I'm the only person in the world who knows that this is you helping." "Just give me a minute to get the image out of my head. all right?" "Ricky Martin in gauchos." "Ricky Martin in gauchos." "Away." "That was easy." "Well. once again." "you've helped me navigate the tricky rapids of my life." "and I thank you." "And I do take full responsibility." "You're in love with me." "you can't have me." "you're fat. ergo Grace." "It all lines up perfectly." "Please." "I want you to seek professional help." "Professional he-- hey. that's the pot calling the kettle taupe." "You mean a therapist?" "I don't need a therapist." "Fine." "Live in denial." "I tell you." "I've seen a lot of sick male-female relationships in my time." "but yours. my friend." "is by far the sickest." "Now. if you'll excuse me." "I have to go get my wife some bunion cream." "I do not need a therapist." "( moans )" "( screams )" "So. in the dream." "how do you feel?" "I feel like I'm having sex with a woman." "And as a gay man..." "let's just say there were things there that I wish weren't there... and one thing that isn't there that I really kind of miss." "Is that your last patient?" "Look." "I wouldn't take these dreams literally." " It's probably not about sex at all." " Really?" "Naked bodies entwined." "nails clawing my back?" "You know." "I get Showtime." "That's sex." "What I mean is." "most dreams are metaphorical." "They almost always represent some other underlying problem." "In this case." "maybe a problem with Grace." " So it's not really about sex at all?" " Not likely." "Oh. that's good." "Starting to think I was going a little woo-hoo." "That's probably not the technical term." "No." "I believe the technical term is neuro-ebhr-br-br-br disorder." "So. tell me." "what's going on in your life?" "Is there something that feels out of balance." "or maybe you're conflicted about something?" "I don't think so." "Maybe I am." "No." "I'm not." "Yes. you are." "What do you know?" "Shut up." "No. you shut up." "Papa can you hear me?" "Sorry." "Went a little mental with Yentl." "That's-- that-- that's a rhyming game that Grace and l-- forget it." "You'd have to know her." "Well. on that topic." "how do you feel about bringing Grace into this discussion?" "Sure." "What do you want to know about her?" "No." "I mean here in the room." "A session with both of you." "You're bored with me. aren't you?" "The magic is gone." "No." "I think I might just get a better understanding of what your dynamic is together." "I do this with a number of my patients." "But I don't want to talk about the dreams." "I wouldn't want to talk to anyone" "I was having sex dreams about." "Although." "I don't actually know Stone Phillips." "This is your journey." "Grace doesn't have to know." "I don't think I'm really comfortable with that." "It's your choice." "However. you should know." "unless you get to the root of these dreams." "they're probably gonna become more frequent." "Wednesday morning good for you?" "Oh." "Cha-Cha. that's good." " Hi." "Poodle." " Who's your daddy?" "You are." "Okay. come on." "Rosario." "up. up-up-up-up." "I need you to whip up a batch of cosmos." "The Bronfmans came back from the party with us." "and I don't like 'em when they're sober." "Why don't I just squeeze you like a sponge?" "There's enough alcohol in you to fill a hot tub." "Okay. up. up." "up-up-up-up." "Up." "Karen. you can't work her that hard." "She's been on her feet all day." "Oh my God." "I'm so Norma Rae." "Leave her alone." "Oh. well." "look at you." "Sticking up for your Mexican mama." "Huh. you like that?" "I told you." "lady." "I'm from EI Salvador." "Blah. blah." "Shift it!" "Come on!" "Karen. she's not going." "Excuse me?" "Mink trumps felt." "Okay?" "Okay?" "It's okay." "Cha-Cha." "I don't mind." "Hmm?" "Lady. tonight you better sleep with one eye open." "Honey." "I haven't slept since 1972. but thank you!" "Listen to me." "As Rosario's legally endowed husband." "I am putting my foot down." "You'd better start treating her with some respect or else." "Jack." "let me paint you a little picture of life here at Chez Walker." "You may want to sit down for this." "Nobody matters but me." "Good night." "So." "Grace. did Will tell you why you're here?" "No. not exactly." "I mean. he said he was anxious and can't sleep." "So. what." "is he anxious because of me?" "Is that the point to all of this?" "No." "This is really about Will." "By seeing your dynamic first hand." "I can gain some insight into Will and Will's issues." " Okay?" " Mm-hmm." "So with that in mind." "let's talk about Will." "But every time I try to get close to my sister." "she just-- she hits me with all of this rage." "I mean." "Iike" " Iike it" " Iike it's my fault she was a binge eater." "Like it's my fault that my mother made her wear ankle weights to vacuum the living room." "Grace. you were in no way responsible for-- for her slow metabolism or her epic ass." "You're right." "Thank you." "Actually." "I feel a little better." "Whoa." "I've so got to run." "Am I allowed to-- to end the session." "or is that something you're supposed to do?" "I have control issues." "We'll talk about that next time!" "If I say we talk about it." "I'll see you at home." "I have to make a call." "Okay." "Thanks." "Doc." " Do you mind if I use your phone?" " Help yourself." "( cell phone ringing )" "Hello." "Hello?" "Oh. good." "it works." "Okay" "I'm expecting a really important call and my phone sucks." "So l" "Bye." "Call me." "You must think I'm a little woo-hoo." "Actually." "I think you're adorable." "I never thought I would like therapy." "you know. 'cause..." "I don't know." "I've always hated Dr. Laura." "But it's great." "You know. it's like a talk show and I'm the only guest." "I'm always in the hot seat." "I never have to move to the end of the couch." "Except for that time that Joan Embry showed up with a spider monkey." " ( Karen laughs )" " See?" "Proof it's working." "I'm actually connecting with Karen." "Minnie Driver. who ever told you you could pull off a leather jumpsuit?" "So. you never told me." "My therapist." "do you like him?" "Sure." "Sure." "I like him." "Why wouldn't I like him?" "I mean." "I like him like I like the Statue of Liberty." "I'm glad it's there but I don't need to see it all the time." "Interesting analogy." "Which reminds me." "Get out. already." "So you-- you want to grab a little Italian tonight?" "Maybe even have dinner first?" "I can't." "I already have plans." "You little minx." "Third time this week." "You know me." "Adios. amiga." "You gonna tell me who the mystery man is?" "Um." "You know." "it's-- it's still early." "I don't want to jinx it if that's okay." "All right." "I can respect that." "Karen. always a joy." "leaving you." "Okay." "Karen." "I need you to fax this over to" "So you're boinking the head doctor. aren't you?" "No." "I know that you always like to think that you are right." "but I am not boinking the head doctor." "But there has been a little over-the-sweater action." "Oh my God." "How did you...?" "Was your mother a jackal." "by any chance?" "Oh. honey. come on!" "I always know when you're getting a little..." " How?" " Honey. it's in my bones." "The same way that I know that that outfit is a fiesta del failure." "I mean." "what was I supposed to do?" "I just stayed after the session to use the phone. smiles were exchanged." "he called me "adorable."" "and the next thing I know." "my phone number ended up on his palm." "Among other things." "Okay. okay." "I know what you're thinking." "You're thinking it is wrong and inappropriate to go out with Will's therapist." "But consider this-- I'm not gonna sleep with him." "Even though he's dying to." "Because that would be inappropriate." "Even though he's dying to." "But I'm not gonna do it." "Even though he's dying to." "Not gonna." "Dying to." "Oh. honey." "what it must be like to live inside that head." " Hi." "Poodle." " Mm. how are you?" "Hi." "Grace." "Who's your daddy?" "His name is Martin Adler." "You're so funny and pretty." "I don't tell you that enough. do I?" "No." " Blouse?" " Loehmann's." " Shoes?" " Nine West." "Fabulous." "Wait a minute." "What the hell is going on here?" "Hey. take Jackie to Blimpie's." "Come on." "I'm sorry." "As much as I would love a huge salami hoagie at 10:45 in the morning." "I can't." "I'll take you to lunch. honey." "You should've thought of that when you woke Rosario up at 5:00 a.m. this morning to coat Stan with Tinactin." "Oh. oh. come on." "Jack." "No!" "Rosario made your bed. now lie in it." "So then my-- my mom gets on the line." "and my dad totally shuts down." "and in a flash." "I'm back in their house again." "I'm 16 years old." "16." "Interesting." "Did you have this sex dream about Grace again last night?" "Uh. yeah." "Yeah." "So-so-so-so anyway." "my mom and I get into it. and finally." "for the first time in my life." "I was able to say. "Would you please just let the man speak?" "!"" "That's good." "I think that's-- that's... good." "I wonder if it's something you're doing to get her into bed." "I mean." "You know. in the dream?" "I th" " I thought we were talking about my parents." "You're avoiding the issue." "I want to know what you did to get Grace into bed." "In-- in the dream." "I didn't do anything." "She was just there." "Fine. then let's broaden the scope." "What does one do to get Grace into bed?" "What?" "How is that relevant?" "Because if you're doing things that are similar to what other men have done to get her into bed." "aren't you in some way culpable?" "Are you saying. that I want to sleep with Grace?" "All I'm saying is." "in the dream." "are you doing the things other men do to get Grace into bed?" " Like what?" " You tell me!" "What do other men do to get her into bed?" "I mean. what does it take?" "I don't know." "A nice dinner. flowers?" " No!" " I beg your pardon?" "I mean." "I mean. no. no." "I think you're missing the central issue here." "That wasn't a "No. you're missing the central issue."" "that's a "No." "I ain't getting any."" "You're having sex with Grace!" "Of this I am certain-- I am not having sex with Grace." "Even if sex includes a little over-the-sweater action?" " If you're gonna cast that wide a net" " You scum!" "You're angry with me." "Good." "But wasn't it Grace that came into your therapy session and turned it into a dating service?" "Yeah. with you." "This is about you. not Grace." "She's doing what she always does." "making every situation about her." " That's why you're having those dreams." " No." "Yes." "What?" "Really?" "Yes. in the dream." "her needs are being met." "Mine aren't." "If they were." "it wouldn't be Grace in bed with me." "it would be Stone Phillips." "like it used to be." "You can ring my bell" " Ring my bell" " Ding dong" "Ring-a-ling-a-ling." "Hi. honey." "how is your day going?" "Same old. same old." "Uh. what are you ironing?" "Those are real pretty." "They're your napkins." "Well. they're just beautiful." "Uh. so." "listen." "Rosario." "I've been thinking. you know." "maybe we should do more stuff together." "I don't drink." "Uh. well. then how's abouts we go down to Niketown and pick you up a kicky new pair of fun. huh?" " Just us girls. come on." " Lady. you're giving me the creeps." "What's going on here?" "Listen." "Rosie." "let me explain." "( clears throat )" "Esta mañana." "Señora Boozehound y yo." " vamos a la playa para" " In English." "If you prefer." "We had a little talk. and Karen has decided that from now on." "she's gonna treat you." "my wild Latin rose." "like a decent human being." " Is that true?" " Yeah. honey." "Then I quit." "Karen and Jack:" "What?" "!" "I didn't sign on to work for a decent human being." "I signed on to work with Miss Karen." "You ungrateful little... ( both shouting )" "Oh. honey." "it's good to be back." "Oh. don't ever leave me." "cupcake." "Well." "I guess everybody's happy." "Sorry to throw you off." "I forgot that even though harsh words are exchanged sometimes." "underneath it all is love." "Hmm." " I totally had you going there." " You kill me. chica." "Both:" "Whoa!" " Who's your daddy?" " You are." "Okay. this has been driving me crazy." "and I can't keep it in any longer." "There's something I really need to tell you." " I have been dating your shrink." " Dating my shrink." "How did you know?" "Well." "let's just say he's used my sessions to figure out a way to get into Graceland." "Very fun for me at 150 bucks an hour." "Oh!" "I am so sorry!" "I am terrible." " There is no defense." " None." "But if there was. it would be that I only went out with him a few times." "I never slept with him." "and I'm gonna stop seeing him because the guilt has been killing me." "Grace." "Grace." "Grace." "Grace-- I don't want to talk about you." "I don't want to talk about my therapist." "I'd like to talk about me." "Can we just make this about me. for once?" "What do you mean "for once"?" "You have a way of making every situation about you." " I do not." " Oh. really?" "Item" " last month when I had bronchitis." "you made me do an herbal steam." "We ended up in the emergency room because you thought you were allergic to eucalyptus." "My feet were swollen to the size of canoes." "Stop trying to squeeze into a size six." "European sizes run big!" "Item-- you take my cereal and make it your cereal." "I have blood sugar issues." "Try food shopping." "Item-- you're dating my shrink!" "I" " I-- oh my God." "I do that." "I did that." "Oh my God." "I'm horrible!" "I've got to start going to a therapist to figure out why I do this." " You're doing it again." " Oh my God." "I am." "Oh." "I am." "Oh. bad." "Bad. bad. bad. bad. bad. bad." "Oh. come on." "Frances." " I am awful." " Yes. you are... sometimes." "But... your obsessive devotion to your own neurotic needs is part of what makes you wonderful." " Really?" " Yes." "All I'm asking is that once in a while you check in with me." "Okay." "I will." " How was your day?" " You don't have to start now." "No." "No." "I really want to know." "Okay. well. the-  the cute deli guy at Balducci's..." " Mm-hmm." "gave me extra ham." "which. as we all know." "is food-service-guy code for "I dig ya."" "Got a great seat on the subway." "work was good." "and now I'm just looking forward to a full night's sleep without the dreams." "What dreams?" "I'm sick of talking about me." "Let's talk about you." "( moaning )" "( screams )" "Oh. sweetie. not agai" "Come on in." "Stone." "( theme music playing )"