"I'm not saying I'm pro-bullying, but..." "At what point does the anti-bullying campaign just start bullying the cool kids?" " Right." " Exactly." "That's what I'm sayin'." "We could be losing like a whole generation of cool kids." "No!" "No, damn it!" "Please!" "[Coughs] No!" "No!" "Breathe water, damn it!" " [Cries]" " Whoa." " Ew." " What are you doing?" "P.F. Chang's, it's closing, so I tried to rescue my Koi fish friends from their pond, but something's gone really wrong." "I gotta give 'em mouth-to-gill." "That's sad." "Did P.F. die?" "Oh, man." "He was like an old dude." "I hope one of the other changs takes it over." " Maybe Michael?" " Oh, cool, yeah." "Like with the whole tennis theme?" " Ew." " Oh." " Oh." " No." "No, no." "Yo, God!" "Why are you killing my friends?" "What did I do?" "Wait." "This isn't one of them chlorine pools, is it?" "Here, just Chuck it." "Good-bye, Koi Orbison." "So long, Gilly Nelson." "You were always on my mind." "See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya, Fish Diesel." "Coulda said "Fin Diesel," right?" " Damn it." " Oh." "Oh, ho, ho, it popped." "Adam, no, no." "No, no, no, no." "Don't disrespect these majestic beasts, all right?" "Sorry." "These Koi fish were my friends." "I told them my hopes, my dreams." "They knew my secrets." "Damn, man." "I feel like this is exactly how a dude in a street gang would feel." "These are all my dead homeys." "I bet it feels a little different to like have human beings die and stuff." " They're just fish." " No, man." "I'm like chief keef, dude." "Basically." "This is shit I don't like." "Hey, Blake." "I think I know how we can honor 'em." "Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho." "Okay." "Wait, are you guys gonna fuck these fish?" " No, we're not gonna..." " okay." "Then, what was that face all about?" "[Laughs] It's a fish fry, y'all!" "Whoo, whoo!" "You will not be needing this." " My gyro." " You are too kind, bill." "But he is right, we are heroes because today, we will be frying everybody's lunch." "Get that fruit out of your face." "These aren't eating' fish." "This is decorative pond scum livin' off pennies and tic-tacs." "Okay, it's not decorative pond scum, and they eat loogies and big league chew." "Look at this nasty-ass bitch." "You put Rob Koidry down, or I'll send you back to time in a-a hot tub." " Yeah, like the movie." " The movie's funny, dude." "Why are you doing this?" "You owe me an explanation." "I just don't think we're compatible, age-wise or whatever." "Age-wise?" "Okay, you can get the hell out of here, you fucking jug jockey." "Go." "Okay, who put this crap in here?" "Oh, it's not crap, it's actually stuff for our fish fry." "We're gonna honor my Koi boys so, you know, they can be with me at all times." "It's a very tough time for me, and... he's goin' through some stuff." "Yeah, just waterworks earlier, and... okay, this kind of time-wasting bullshit" "Is exactly why you're gonna be working late the rest of the week." "No fish fry." "Wha..." "[Offended gasps and sighs]" "It's such a shame." "I think Alice really liked that guy." "That brain-dead water jockey?" "He's basically like a roided-out version of me, and I'm not roided out, Jillian." "I'm roided in." "Oh, well, I don't think it was his brain she was attracted to, if you get my drift." " I don't." " Dick." "Big ol' dick." " Ooh." " [Laughs]" "I'll be honest:" "I'm not surprised." "I always had Alice pegged as a size queen." "That's probably why she's always throwing' faces at me like..." "Mm-mm, what?" "The size queens, they can smell my hog a mile away, baby." "You don't want people to be able to smell your penis." "Yeah, especially if they're Miles away." "No, it doesn't stink." "That's just like... it's a euphemism." "Regardless of what you think, she's not gonna let us have this fish fry 'cause she's all twisted up down there, you know?" "Well, you know why Alice is so peeved, right?" "'Cause the water boy took away her deep ****." "So all I've gotta do is give her my **** deep, and she'll stop being such a k-word." "I think you mean c-word." " Alice has cancer?" " ****." "Alice has **** cancer?" "You know what?" "I'll still do it." " I don't care if I catch it." " Okay." "Healing power of love, baby." "He is right, though." "That could work." "Yeah, what if we hire a gigolo to womp her ass gangnam style, right?" "Then, we'll be frying' fish in no time." "Oh, dude, nice." "We know chicks." " [Laughter]" " Yeah, well, we do know chicks." "But I don't think we need to hire anyone..." " No, we do." " Because I am packing' meat." "Serious meat down here." "It's like a whole deli platter." "It's like rare cool meat." "It's like that one really long meat with like olives in it." " Hey, what is that called?" " Dude." "You don't wanna do that, man." "You can't dip your pen in company stink, my brother." "Pimento loaf." "Can we just all keep it real at the exact same moment here?" "You don't have a loaf, and that's exactly what she needs." "All right, you wanna see it?" "You keep talkin' about it." "You wanna see it?" "I don't wanna see it." "But sure, what's up?" "You're warming' it up too much." "I don't wanna see it hard." "I wanna see it soft." "Come on." "Oh." "Mm." "Nah." " Okay, uh, Frank?" " Yeah." " Do you have a dick pic?" " I do indeed." " I'll take that." " Let's see it." "Ooh, here we go." "Oh, we'll take that." "Oh, wow." "That is a wonderful dong." "I am referred to as kind of a sabertooth, hybrid tiger." " That's what they all say." " Oh, holy smokes." "It says here you had sex with a chick at Juilliard?" " Ooh, impressive." " Not that impressive." "I've had sex with a girl named Julie in a yard." "This is a stellar prick." "And if it's wild, I'll grab it." "Boom, Tarzan." "Have you ever had sex with two women at once?" " Yeah." " And have you ever buttfucked?" " Yeah." " What you need to understand is that we know chicks." "We know chicks." "You obviously don't know chicks." "I know chicks, okay?" "They like to be... [grunting]" "Collectively, we've had sex with 17 different women." "Six of those women are all mine, bagged and tagged." "Yeah, double digits over here, so..." " 11,000." " Uh, you know what?" "I can already tell that this isn't gonna be a great thing." "Thanks for comin' in, but no thanks" " 'cause we know chicks." " Wait, not you." "We'll let you know." "And you're goin' for it, and you're goin' for it." "And then, you just figure-eight it." "Well, today's been a whole waste of time." "Fine, I'll do it." "I'll be the one that sexes Alice back to normal so Blake can have his fish fry." " I appreciate that, man, but..." " I'm just a good friend." " We'll think of something." " I just said, "I'll do it."" " [Knock at door]" " Is this the... hi." "Sorry, I'm late, I-the freeway is just a darn parking lot out there." "Girthquake's the name." "Okay, um, what are you, fresh off your garbage route, Girthquake?" " [Laughter] - 'Cause he has a garbage bag." "Oh." "[Laughs]" "No, I-I just..." "I brought some outfits." "I was a stripper, so I have a lot of different looks" "I can try out for you, and... you're not even a pro." "Get lost." "The ad clearly stated professional man-whores only." "Okay, I'm sorry to waste your time." "It was stupid for me to come anyway." " Jesus." " Bye-bye." "Have a good one." "Oh, and, uh, you forgot your, uh... somebody call heaven." "They're missin' an angel's dick." " Uh, Girthquake, wait." " Hey, buddy." " Hey..." " whoa, oh, oh." "Do not leave." "You got the job." " What do you mean?" "How?" " Your dick." "It goes so far away from your body." " Holy cow." " Oh, my God." "Thank you so much." "Thank you." "You... you won't regret this." "You... you made a good decision." "Are you kidding me right now?" "I'm way more of a gigolo than he is." "When I was a kid, I was paid $5 by an old man to poop in a pizza box." "Now, that is gigolo-ing." "Now, that is gigolo-ing!" "Is it ready?" "Do you need to torque up or anything?" "He's ready, though." "He's ready." "Hey, pardon me, Jillian." "I've got a milk delivery for miss Alice Murphy." "Oh, I'm sorry, guys, she went to happy hour at Billian's." "Hey, that rhymes with my name." "I never realized that before." "[Laughs]" "I should go there." "Shoot, uh, well, Girth, is there any chance you've ever picked a girl up at a bar?" " Yes, of course." " So have we, you know?" " 'Cause we know chicks, okay?" " Yeah." " So, uh, let's go." " All right." " To Billian's." " To... to the bar." "Are you serious?" "♪ Do you believe in true love?" "♪" "♪ Where is that comin' from?" "♪" " Right over here." " Oh, hey, Adam." " Do you?" " Do I what?" "Believe in true love?" " Well, I believe..." " that is awesome." "So you'll help me break into Alice's office so that she can finally see how much she true loves me, and then I can re d-pipe her out before Girthquake does?" "Yes, I love playing Cupid." "It's a nice place." "Oh, oh, oh." "There she is." " You ready?" " Are you sure about this?" "I mean, a milkman in a bar?" "I just feel like I'd be more comfortable in regular clothes." "Excuse me?" "I hope a milkman didn't hear you say that." "Ders, will you make sure Alice stays put while I help Girth change?" "Come on, hurry." "But keep the boots." "Oh, my God." "Hi." "Okay, I'm on her YouTube history." "Uh, she's watched Andy Samberg's" "Dick In A Box 110 times." "That makes sense." "She's a comedy head, okay?" "'Cause I'm, like, a funny dude." " I am funny, Jillian." " Okay." "I'm basically like Andy Samberg like mixed with other funny people." "And Timberlake?" "I'm only two inches shorter than that man." "He's like pretty small." "What else?" " Uh, cat videos." " Yeah." "Uh, a lot of hockey fights, drum solos." "Dick In A Box, cat videos, hockey fights, and drum solos." "I got it." "I'm gonna do dick in a box." "Oh, okay, but then like instead, there's a cat in the box." "And then, you take her to a hockey game?" "No, I'm gonna..." "I'm doin' Dick In A Box." "Wait, are you gonna show up to her house just like that?" "Mm, no, better to do it here 'cause it's kinda where we met." "It's like more romantic, right?" " [Laughs]" " Yeah." "I'm like a romantic dude, actually." "I'm just gonna sleep under her desk and surprise her in the morning when my dick is the hardest." "I need to find a man who is not afraid of commitment." "You're going to." "Are you kidding me?" "Alice, you are a dynamic, independent business babe." "You're like the Stephanie McMahon of Telamericorp." "I'm on the wrong side of 35, Anders." "Clock's tickin'." "Come on." "You're still..." " You're still hot." " [Sighs]" " I'm..." "I'm just saying." " [Scoffs]" "Sorry." "All right." " That's her, right?" " Yeah." "Okay." "Are you sure?" "She looks kinda... horny." "She's horny." "They all are." "Come on, I know chicks." "Hi there, little lady." "You expecting anyone?" "Oh, my gosh." "Are you okay?" "Stop talking." "Show her your dick." "Uh, you okay there?" "Yeah, I'm sorry." "I..." "[Whispers indistinctly]" "I'm sorry." "I... okay." "Whoa." "Whoa, whoa." "What..." "So are you around..." "from around here, or... what are you doing, you freak?" "Get away from me." "Yeah, go pour your beer on someone else's penis." "What the... freaks out there." "They're crazy." "I mean, if the guy was wearing like a milkman outfit, maybe, right?" "What was that?" "We took a chance on you in there, and you fucked us." "Sometimes, women respond more to conversation than just, you know, pullin' out your wang." "You are talkin' like you know chicks, and I am the one who knows chicks." "Please give me another chance." "Please, please." "I really..." "I won't mess it up." " I promise." " Okay." "Listen, you come with me." "And we're gonna get that little head screwed on straight so you can bang my boss, and I can have a fish fry to honor my friends." "All right?" "You got it?" "Got it." "Rob Koidry." "Just say "sorry" to your buddy." " [Gags]" " What?" "Oh, don't be shocked." "It's just a fish." "Thanks for bringing me back here to get my keys." "Sure, yeah." "You know, you were actually kinda sweet tonight." "I know, it just seemed like you could use a friend." "[Sighs]" "Oh." "Uh, what are you..." "I could use a little bit more than that." "Like... wait, what do you mean?" "I wanna get my rocks off, stretch." "[Laughs] Okay, all right." "Yeah, yeah, all right, let's... let's get our rocks off with our socks off." "No, keep your socks on." "Pull your prick through your zipper, and don't you dare kiss me." "Is... okay." "Always knew this was gonna happen." "[Clears throat]" "What?" "Whoa." "Oh." "I don't unders... don't bend it." " [Groans]" " Where are you?" " I lost you." " Oh." "Wait, what?" "It's in there." "It's just you're not supposed to bend down." "Ow!" "Oh, oh." "Jesus, you better add a finger." "A little rub-a-dub on the outside." "On the inside, little fella." "Okay, like that?" " Make it two." "Do it." " Okay." " Do something to me." " Okay." "Whoa." "Okay." "Is that awesome or what?" " That almost feels normal." " Yeah." " All right, hang on." " Okay." "Oh... wait, no." "[Groans]" "Oh, gah." "That was, like, wow." "Did you... you did too, right?" " [Sighs]" " Oh, whoa." "A little aftershock when you just pull away so fast." "Here, clean yourself off." "And Anders, this didn't happen." " What didn't happen?" " The sex we just had." "No, I know, we just did it." "No, we didn't." "Didn't what?" "[Sighs]" "I'm gonna go catch the bus." "[Sighs]" "[Sniffles]" "Ders!" "Hey." " Hey, you bitch-ass traitor." " Dude, what's on your dick?" "It's a box." "Step one:" "I cut a hole in a box." "Step two, I superglued my dick in a box 'cause I was asleep in Alice's office ready to gift her my penis in the morning." ""How 'bout you put an extra finger" ""in my **** because your penis is so small?" " I need more."" " Nope." "You took a beautiful, pure flower, and turned her into a disgusting, whore flower." " Excuse me?" " Yeah." "You better watch your tongue." "You arprobabe talkin' about my future wife." "I know how to settle this." "We fight to the death in the pool." "It's a pool-mite!" "I would love to fight to your death." "No, it's gonna be your death." "[Laughs] Your death, buddy." "Ho, ho, ho, your death, buddy." "Be careful, I don't want you to die before we fight to your death." "It's gonna be your death." "This is gonna get my boss' basement flooded." "[Laughs]" "Are you sure she's gonna want me to look like this?" "You don't wanna get me all worked up again, do you?" "That was a joke." "I was joking." "You wanna know why I picked you?" "'Cause you and I, we got the same problem." " You have a big one too?" " No... no." "No, no, no, no, upwards of four times smaller." "It's like the size of a little lego man." "[Chuckles]" "But you see, I'm walking hair." "People see me for my mop." "And I embrace that." "It's fine." "And you, you have this crazy-huge dong." "You could tie it in a knot twice, and it would still be longer than what I've got." " Yeah." " That's you, man." "I guess I always believed that I was meant for something more than just my big package." "You're not, and that's a stupid attitude." "You're nothing but a walking, talking penis." "That's pretty good lighting', right?" "Yeah, that's pretty good." "There's a little blind spot over there, though." "You know what?" "It might actually be better 'cause the shadows will like play off our abs and stuff." "That's true." "Yeah, a little shadow play." " Oh, yeah." " Very good, very good." "I'll look pretty cut when I'm knockin' you out." "Knockin' me out?" "Are you kidding?" "We better empty our pockets, man." "Good call." "Very true." "I don't wanna break my phone." "Dude, if I land on my keys, yowza." " Very smart, very smart." " Oh, man." "I like that case too." "That's a cool new case." " That's fun." " Keep calm, bazinga." " Bazinga!" " Whoa!" "[Groaning]" " Good knee." " Thanks." "You did it to me earlier." "That's how I got the idea to do it to you!" "[Groaning]" " Ow." " You are so dead." "[Groaning]" " You had enough?" " Yeah." "You got me." "[Groans]" " [Groans]" " You want some of this?" "I'm gonna give you some." "Give it to me, pal." "[Groaning]" "[Gagging and coughing]" "[Groaning] [Gagging and coughing]" "[Groaning]" "Hey!" "Hey!" "[Overlapping shouting]" "This is not..." "I said we needed a professional, man." "Come on." "We are runnin' out of time." "That's it, I'm gettin' outta here." "You've lost your minds." "Let's go, Girth." " Let's go." " My keys!" "What, ah... can I help you?" ""Wanna get railed to the max, trick?"" "Okay, what the hell is this, you creep?" "All right, I knew that wasn't gonna work, I'm sorry." "Put that helmet back on, you bitch!" "Blake?" "What the hell are you doing here?" "You know this guy?" "Alice." "[Chuckles]" "I can explain." "Um, but first, I have to apologize for Girthquake here." "You know what?" "Let me just show you what all the hype's about, okay?" "Here, pull the tremor out your pants." "Whoa." "No." "You know, you gotta see the Girth-worm, baby." " I don't want to see it." " It's big." "Where is it?" " Is it on this side?" " Blake, what is..." "Stop!" "No, no." " Sorry." " Do not do that." "Pull it out, man!" "Come on!" "[Overlapping shouting]" "Show it right now." "Show it, show it." " Oh, this is for bitches." " Come on, guys." "What the hell is happening?" "Stop." "We just wanted an office fish fry so that I could eat my fish friends, but you were in a bad mood." "So we tried to hook you up with a dude, you know?" "And like this is the guy." "I cannot believe you guys did this for a fish fry." "Do you know how idiotic that is?" "I know I have been in a funk lately." "I'm just having a rough time, you know, looking for love or whatever." " Is it your period?" " And... and I'm on my period." " Oh." " Ew." "Look, just please don't tell anyone at the office about any of this, okay?" " Any of what?" " Don't, she won't even..." "I will let you have your fish fry." " All right." " Yes!" "Whoo!" "[Overlapping chatter]" "It's a dick in a box, right?" "Yeah." "Here, no, throw me... throw me in..." "throw me into the big wave." " Hey." " [Sighs]" "Wanna go inside and make some coffee?" " Talk about it?" " No." "You're a hooker." "Go slang your dick on someone else's corner." "A fish fry!" "A fish fry!" " It's a fish fry, y'all." " Yeah, baby, fish fry." " Oh." " Where are my friends?" "Are you talkin' about them nasty-ass Koi fish?" "I threw them suckers in the garbage." "They was rotten." "You should thank me." "Thank you?" "Thanks to you, we've got a fryer..." " Hey, hey." " And no fish." "Hey, did you... what about bagels?" "Did you ever have any bagel friends?" "We could fry some bagels." "It's the same thing." " Huh?" " No, I got a better idea." "I thought a bagel... well." "[Hums] [Screams]" "Aw, hell no." "This some Jim and Dwight bullshit." "Did these two just did this?"