"HAPPY GILMORE" "My name is Happy Gilmore." "Ever since I was old enough to skate, I loved hockey." "I wasn't really the greatest skater." "But that didn't keep my dad from teaching me the secret of making a great slap shot." "My dad worshipped hockey." "My mom didn't." "So she moved to Egypt, where there's not a hockey rink within 1500 miles." "Dad took me to games to see our favorite player Terry O'Reilly, "The Tasmanian Devil"." "He wasn't a big guy, but he feared nobody, just like me." "Handsome fellow, huh?" "He said when I grew up, I could be anything." "But all I ever wanted to be was a hockey player." "My childhood was going great, but life is full of surprises." "After the funeral, I was sent to live with my grandma in Waterbury." "I was nervous, since I didn't know her that well." "She dressed like Gene Simmons from KISS to cheer me up." "She's the sweetest person in the world." "After my dad died, I developed a short fuse." "That kid stole my party blower." "Instead of asking for it back, I hit him in the head repeatedly... with a hammer." "Most of the time, I was quick to say I was sorry." "Years later, I played junior hockey and still hold two league records most time spent in a penalty box and I was the only guy to ever try to stab someone with his skates." "After I graduated, I had a lot of different jobs." "I was a road worker a janitor a security guard a gas station attendant and a plumber." "Lately, I've been working construction." "It's not bad." "I'm a good shot with a nail gun." "But one day my boss, Mr. Larson, got in the way." "Apparently, he also has a short fuse." "Look at the monster." "He got in a few lucky punches, but I feel I won the fight." "Anyway, those jobs weren't for me." "I was put on this planet for one reason--to play hockey." "It's my puck, baby!" "Don't you ever touch my puck!" "Is that Gilmore again?" "How many times has he tried out?" "At least ten times." "He has a lot of intensity." "Not a strong skater, though." "Nor the best puck handler." "But, my God..." "What a shot." "It that goal regulation size or what?" "!" "Number one number fifty-two...number sixteen..." "They saw my power." "They won't dog me this year." "...number nine and number forty-three." "The rest of you better luck next year." "Coach, what's going on?" "What about me?" "Gilmore." "I called your number, didn't I?" "No, you didn't." "Well, better luck next year." "That wasn't very nice!" "You think you're better than me?" "!" "Where you going?" "I got Subway." "I already ate." "I knew the guy working there, so we got extra meatballs." "Great." "I got to run." "Can you stay?" "I had a rough day." "Bye." "When will you be back?" "Never." "Terry, wait!" "Wait!" "Hold on a second, babe." "You're not going for good, are you?" "You're going nowhere and taking me with you." "All you ever talk about is being a pro hockey player, but you're not any good." "I am good!" "You know what?" "You're a lousy kindergarten teacher!" "I saw the finger paintings you bring home--they suck!" "I'm sorry." "I didn't mean that." "They're excellent finger paintings." "Please don't go." "I'm not spending the rest of my life with a loser." "I'm gone." "Good!" "Get the hell out of my life!" "Who needs you?" "Beat it!" "I'm sorry." "I didn't mean that." "I just yell 'cause I get so scared." "Scared of being a nobody." "Why don't you come back upstairs, honey?" "I'll give you the old smoochy-smoo kissy-wissy." "You know Happy will make everything okay." "I want to kiss you all over" "And over and again" "I want to kiss you all over" "Till the night closes in" "Till the night closes in" "Terry!" "Sit tight." "I'll be right over." "Hey, you don't want breakfast?" "Grandma?" "Put that down!" "It's my grandmother's!" "Cut it out, kid." "We're just doing our job." "What are you talking about?" "Your grandmother hasn't paid taxes in 10 years." "Grandma, you didn't pay your taxes?" "I would have, but I didn't have any money." "Where are you taking her stuff?" "I'm not taking her stuff, the government is." "It's not like I'm taking her stuff over to my place." "Don't get mad at me." "But she's an old lady." "Look at her." "She's old." "You can't just take her stuff." "She's too old." "I'm sorry." "I have no discretion." "Her stuff is now our stuff." "Well, at least we got the house." "I'll bring furniture from my place." "We'll be okay." "Now you'll really be mad." "I'm taking the house, too." "My grandfather built this house with his bare hands." "My grandma's been here over 60 years." "You can't take her house." "Mrs. Gilmore owes the IRS $270,000 in back taxes." "We have to take the house." "If you can't repay the money in 90 days, we sell the house to someone else." "You hate me, don't you?" "No, I don't hate you." "He hates me." "Don't worry- things will be okay." "Look at this place." "Silver Acres Rest Home." "It looks more like a country club." "Nice grass, nice people." "I hope you brought your bathing suit." "You're going to make friends in no time." "Mister!" "Get me out of here!" "Here, eat that!" "Leave us alone!" "Grandma, you could come live with me." "Nonsense, dear." "You're a grown man." "I wouldn't burden you like that and that's final." "Tell me, how is that nice girlfriend of yours?" "She got hit by a car." "She's dead." "Listen, I will get that $270,000 and get your house back." "I promise." "Oh, sure." "In the meantime, just stay here and have some fun." "I will, dear." "Don't worry." "Pardon me, but it's nap time." "Nap time--that sounds nice." "You go." "I love you." "I love you, too, darling." "Buddy, do me a favor." "You see that lady?" "She's very important to me." "I want you to take extra special care of her." "You know what I mean?" "I can't accept that." "But this is what I can do." "I can take extra special care of that young lady for nothing." "I appreciate that." "Have a nice afternoon." "Sir, could I trouble you for a glass of warm milk?" "It helps put me to sleep." "You could trouble me for a warm glass of shut the hell up." "Go to sleep or I will put you to sleep." "Check out the name tag." "You're in my world now, Grandma." "Oh, dear." "Bet you I can hit a ball past that tree." "Twenty bucks says you can't." "Morons, I told you I want to watch the hockey game." "Cut the golf sissy crap and finish up." "Oh, relax." "You can enjoy your grandma's possessions for another half hour." "Oh, you got a hold of that one!" "You try it." "It's not as easy as it looks." "Sorry, ladies." "I'm not the golfing type." "You hit a ball past my ball we'll finish work so you can watch your hockey game." "Give me the stupid club." "Look at this stupid thing." "This will be hilarious." "Look how he's standing." "You like that?" "Holy shit." "Back to work." "That house is 400 yards away." "Is that good?" "That's unbelievable." "Beginner's luck." "I bet $20 you can't do it again." "Bring it on." "You boys are going to pay for that" "You hit him!" "He shouldn't have been standing there." "One more time." "Double or nothing." "You better pay up." "Oops." "Maybe we should get back inside." "You made a bet." "Pay the man." "Thanks." "Tell your friends." "Step right up, folks!" "See if you can outdrive the amazing Golf Ball, uh, Whacker Guy!" "That's great." "Very good." "Bend your knees." "Remember, it's in the hips." "You're doing great." "It's in the hips." "Fifty bucks I can hit it over the highway." "That's real good." "So long, sucker." "How often do you play?" "This is my first time." "You should play in the Waterbury Open tomorrow." "Yeah, right, I'll see you there." "He's going to play." "And, by God, he's going to win." "Mister, you need a helmet." "Don't worry about it." "Yeah, bring that shit on." "I love it." "Awesome." "God, that hurt, but I'm okay." "What the hell are you doing?" "Just 364 more days till the next hockey tryouts." "I got to get tough." "God, that felt good." "Cut that out." "You're making me sick." "So you're a hockey player." "You got to give that up and concentrate on golf." "Who are you?" "I'm the club pro here-- Chubbs Peterson." "I'm offering to teach you how to play golf, personally, for free." "No." "You don't know who I am, do you?" "No, I don't." "Back in 1965 Sports Illustrated said I would be the next Arnold Palmer." "What happened?" "I wasn't allowed to play pro anymore." "I'm sorry." "Because you're black?" "Hell, no." "An alligator bit my hand off." "Oh, my God!" "Tournament in Florida." "My ball went down by a lake." "Damn alligator just popped up!" "Cut me down in my prime." "But I tore one of that bastard's eyes out." "Look at that." "You're pretty sick, Chubbs." "I've never seen anyone who can hit the ball half as far as you." "You got real talent." "That's nice of you to say, but I trained all my life to play hockey." "Golf is no different--requires talent, self-discipline." "Golf requires goofy pants and a fat ass." "Talk to my neighbor--a great golfer." "Huge ass." "I bet your neighbor can't drive the ball 400 yards." "I bet your neighbor doesn't have a shot to get on the Pro Tour." "How would I do that?" "You win the Open tomorrow, you're on the Pro Tour." "Then, who knows?" "Maybe you'll win the Tour Championship." "Get that gold jacket I never got." "Gold jacket, green jacket-- who cares?" "Don't worry." "It's made of wood-- real sturdy." "Sorry about that." "It was good to meet you, but, uh...." "I'm out of here." "This is not real smart, kid." "I thought you were pro material, primed for the big bucks." "Hey, Chubbs what kind of big bucks?" "Stupid golf clubs." "Why the hell am I doing this?" "Whoa--must be Burt Reynolds or something." "Good morning!" "Isn't this great?" "Blue skies, fresh-cut grass, birds chirping." "You going to recite me a poem?" "Geez, you love this golf stuff." "A guy your size--why not play a real sport, like football?" "My mama wouldn't let me." "Said it was too dangerous." "Yeah, good call." "Hey, who's that?" "The shorter guy is Doug Thompson, president of the Tour." "The other guy is Shooter McGavin, leading money winner this year." "Who's the girl?" "I'm Virginia Venit, Director of Public Relations for the Tour." "Of course." "I've heard you've done some really interesting things." "Right now I'm working on a promotion" "You know what would be great?" "If I could get a Pepsi." "Sure." "Oh, miss?" "Diet." "Right." "Hey, thanks for dressing up." "If I wore clothes like those, I'd have to kick my own ass." "Good morning, everyone." "Welcome to the Waterbury Open." "Before we begin, I have a treat for you." "Ladies and gentlemen, Shooter McGavin." "Thank you, Doug." "I saw Doug play yesterday." "He spends more time in the sand than David Hasselhoff." "Let me get serious." "You're all aware today's winner will be invited to join the Pro Tour." "Although only one will become my colleague all of you are now my friends." "Thank you." "Now go get 'em!" "Next up:" "Lafferty, Daniel and Gilmore..." "Happy." "Where you taking those clubs, punk?" "!" "Mr. Gilmore, I'm your caddy." "Sorry." "I'll carry these." "They're my grandfather's." "They're pretty old." "What should I do then?" "Why don't you just watch me and make sure I don't do anything stupid?" "Mr. Gilmore, Mr. Lafferty is teeing off now." "Okay." "Good luck, buddy." "Get out of the way." "Where were you that time, dipshit?" "Probably the best I'll hit all day." "Mr. Gilmore, you're up." "Damn it!" "Time!" "Relax." "Do what we discussed." "Don't look at the green." "Hit the ball." "There's no goalie anywhere to block it." "Remember, it's all in the hip." "Come on." "Work with me." "It's all in the hips." "All in the hips." "It's all in the hips." "Get off me!" "Just easing the tension." "Just easing the tension." "Well, ease it on someone else." "What the hell?" "Good." "Now we just worry about putting." "Oh, yeah." "Putting." "Remember what I said." "Use your shoulders to push the ball, not the arms." "Don't break the wrist." "Whoa, you're confusing me." "Just let me put the ball in the hole." "Is he kidding?" "This is pathetic." "Good shot." "It's about time." "True." "I just couldn't get the ball in the hole." "I wanted to, but I couldn't." "He shoots, he scores!" "That was much easier than putting." "I should try and do that every time." "Good plan." "Did you see that?" "Yes." "Nice." "He got a hole in one on a par four." "I said I saw it." "I hope he wins." "He's a publicist's dream." "A guy who can drive the ball that far--he could really draw a crowd." "So could a golfer with an arm growing out of his ass." "Now, you make this one in four or less shots you win the tournament." "Four shots." "Think of it this way." "The other team has pulled their goalie." "It's wide open." "All you have to do is tap it in." "I can do that." "Don't worry." "You're doing fine." "All you have to do is tap it in." "Just tap it in." "Just tap it in." "Just tap it in." "Just tap it in." "Give it a little tappy." "Tap, tap, tap-a-roo." "Grandma, Grandma Grandma, Grandma." "All right!" "He's going to be on the Tour." "Super." "That's cute." "Mr. Gilmore, Virginia Venit." "I'm P.R. Director of the Tour." "Nice to meet you." "Congratulations." "I saw that hole in one on a par four." "That must be a record." "I got a hockey record." "I tried to stab someone with my skate." "Nobody else ever did that." "That's wonderful." "I am a bit bummed." "I thought we got money for this." "Cheer up." "Next week in Portland, the winner takes home $216,000." "And the guy who comes in last?" "$2,400." "So no matter what, I'll get some money." "Yeah." "Well, I'll see you next week then." "Bye." "I hate to admit this, but this is my first trophy." "I wish that goofy golf guy wasn't on top." "Maybe I'll put a hockey guy on instead." "Happy, shut your trap." "You were great out there today." "Thank you." "But not that great." "A lot of that was luck." "Some might call it luck." "I like to call it well, luck, I guess." "So what?" "Don't join the Pro Tour yet." "We got work to do before you go against professionals." "Forget it." "I'll pick up the rest as I go." "Don't be a fool!" "People would kill to hit the long ball like you." "You got an advantage over any other golfer." "By developing the rest of your game you'd be unstoppable." "You're right, but I need money." "Don't be an asshole." "Give me six months." "I'll work with you every day." "No, I got to go." "I appreciate everything." "Wish me luck." "Best of luck, kid." "Best of luck." "Marty, shut up and I'll tell you." "The price is $200 per quilt." "Well, this is handmade quality shit." "When do you need them by?" "Okay." "Good doing business with you." "Okay, everyone." "Turn up your volumes." "Announcement." "Good news--arts and crafts time is extended 4 hours." "My fingers hurt." "What's that?" "My fingers hurt." "Well, soon your back will hurt because you just got landscaping duty." "Anyone else's fingers hurt?" "I didn't think so." "Why do you make me act like that, huh?" "Mr. Gilmore!" "Toidy's to the right, dear." "How's Grandma?" "Super." "It's arts and crafts time." "Grandma is quite a quilter." "That's a tremendous trophy." "Happy, I'm so glad to see you." "I'm glad to see you, too." "I think about you all the time." "Looks like everyone's having fun here." "Good news--I made the Professional Golfers' Tour." "That's lovely." "You know what else is lovely?" "If I can beat those other guys..." "we'll get the house back." "Oh, thank God!" "I can't stand to live in this place another minute!" "I thought you liked it here." "That orderly is nice." "Don't you like him?" "Oh, I do." "It's just that the air conditioner's broken." "I'm getting a little warm." "Let the kid fix it for you." "Get the little twisty knobs." "That ain't doing it." "Okay." "Mister!" "Mister!" "Get this off of me!" "Mister!" "I'll be right down!" "You know that "Mister, mister" lady?" "I think I killed her." "Norman spends more time in the sand than David Hasselhoff." "Come on, that was funny." "It was the first time I heard it." "Drink up." "Anyone tapped the keg yet?" "I'll pump." "I'm Happy Gilmore." "Mark Lye." "Welcome to the Tour." "I heard about the ace you had on a par four." "Impressive." "You heard about that?" "Cool." "That's a nice jacket." "You get one if you win the Tour Championship." "Oh, yeah?" "What's that?" "Only the biggest tournament of the year." "Oh, really?" "Where's yours?" "Good one." "He's funny." "I'll have mine in three months." "Not if I have anything to do with it." "Whoa, look out." "You better look out." "If you're free, join us at 9:00 on the ninth green." "What happens there?" "Secret of the pros." "All right, cool." "I'm out of here." "I hear the Asteroids machine calling my name." "Peace." "And, Happy...dress nice, huh?" "All right, all right." "Almost nine o'clock." "Public relations lady, you seen Shooter McGavin?" "No." "Why?" "I need to beat the piss out of him." "Let me guess--the ninth green at nine trick." "It would appear so." "He does deserve a beating." "But if you beat him up, I'll have to explain to the papers why the new guy beat up Shooter McGavin." "More work for me." "I don't want to do that." "Forget about Shooter." "He's just threatened by you." "He's afraid you'll steal his thunder." "That's nice of you to say." "So, I'm going to go change now." "My girlfriend's dead." "She fell off a cliff and died on impact." "Really?" "I'm sorry to hear that." "You should get some sleep." "Tomorrow's a big day." "You're right." "It is." "Hello." "I'm Verne Lundquist, with Jack Beard." "We have a nice crowd here on this sun-sational April morning for the 22nd annual ATT Invitational." "Here today are elite golfers from around the world." "The favorite is Shooter McGavin." "He's won three of the last four." "Thanks, man." "Here's my last buck." "This is the last time." "He's just trying to make some money." "Leave him alone." "I don't know why I'm winning." "I'm in the zone." "The hole seems to get bigger." "You like being the favorite?" "I'm not." "With the great players here, anyone could win." "I'll just do my best." "The real favorite is Portland." "Every time I visit, it's harder to leave." "Must be something in the water." "Well, time to play golf." "Good luck." "I'm a hockey player playing golf today." "Name?" "Happy Gilmore." "The guy with the long drive." "Caddy's name?" "You haven't given me one yet." "On the Pro Tour, you provide your own." "Really?" "Okay." "Easy with those clubs." "They're antiques." "Gary Potter." "Great to have you on the Tour." "I feel a lot of solid energy coming out of you." "Good positive aura." "Nice to meet you." "Is it always like this--TV cameras, people and stuff?" "Yeah, a lot of pressure." "Rise above it." "Harness in the good energy, block out the bad." "Harness energy, block bad." "Feel the flow, Happy." "It's circular." "It's like a carousel." "You get on the horse." "It goes up, down and around." "Circular." "Circle." "With the music, the flow." "All good things." "Okay." "Well, great." "Thanks." "Nice to meet you." "Psycho." "Next to tee off, Happy Gilmore." "Give me a club." "I'll get it." "Fu--, sh--, fu--, ass" "Sorry." "Psycho." "What a shot by Happy Gilmore!" "Who the hell is Happy Gilmore?" "Oh, yeah!" "I got it!" "Like that, baby?" "Plenty more where that came from!" "Get Virginia Venit in here, now." "Use a five iron." "You think so?" "Give me my wedge." "Five iron, huh?" "You're fired." "Bye-bye." "What are you doing, Happy--riding a bull?" "You're acting like a damn fool!" "Doing the bull dance." "Feeling the flow." "Working it." "On the 18th green, Shooter McGavin putts for the win." "His crowd seems unusually small for this type of moment." "Most people are over watching Happy Gilmore." "He's the talk of the course with his huge drives and bizarre behavior." "He's on the 17th green right now, having trouble closing out his day." "Happy, the ball has its own energy or life force, if you will." "Its natural environment is in the hole." "Why don't you send him home?" "His bags are packed." "He has his plane ticket." "Bring him to the airport." "Send him home." "Send him home." "I'll send him home." "It's time to go home, ball." "Son of a bitch ball!" "Why didn't you go home?" "!" "That's your home!" "Are you too good for your home?" "!" "Answer me!" "Suck my white ass, ball!" "Draft a press release stating Gilmore is being thrown off the Tour." "I want to see it by 6:00 p.m." "You're right--his behavior is completely unacceptable." "But golf has been waiting for a player like this." "A colorful, emotional, working class hero." "I will not tolerate this behavior." "Gilmore is gone." "I got a call from the Dallas Open." "They're deluged with calls from people who want to see Happy." "They sold out." "Already?" "I know he's a little rough." "Let me work with him." "Okay." "Fine." "But he's your responsibility." "If he cleans up, he can stay." "If he doesn't, it's your ass." "And any more of this and he's gone." "Shooter!" "Shooter!" "What do you think of Happy Gilmore?" "I didn't see him play." "I was too busy winning." "But a 450-yard drive is impressive." "Yeah." "Where did he finish again?" "Dead last?" "Yeah, he had a good day." "Did he really make a 450-yard ace?" "Where's my check?" "We mail them next week." "I want mine now." "I don't have any checks." "He got one." "Give me one of them big ones, I don't care." "Give me a beer, pal." "Put that on my tab." "You were the talk of the tournament, Gilmore." "Wow, thanks a lot." "You sure crush the ball at the tee." "You'd do well in a long-drive contest." "You'd make good money, traveling, hustling at driving ranges." "I know what you're doing right now and I don't like it." "So just shut your trap before I put my foot in it." "Don't turn your back on me." "Listen, this is Shooter's tour." "I worked hard, paid my dues-- now it's Shooter's turn." "Shooter won't let his reign at the top be spoiled by some freak." "Did you call me a freak?" "I was on this tour for one reason-- money." "Now I got a new one-- kicking your ass." "I'd like to see you try." "Let's do it." "I meant at golf." "What's going on here?" "I was looking for the other half of this bottle." "Oh, there's some of it right there." "Why don't you put it down?" "I know." "Just stay out of my way." "Or you'll pay." "Listen to what I say." "Why don't I go eat some hay?" "I could make things out of clay and lay by the bay." "What do you say?" "Calm down or you'll get kicked off the Tour." "That can't happen." "It can, and I don't want it to." "You could be a big star." "I just want to make some money." "You won't be around long enough to do that if you don't behave." "What do you mean by "behave"?" "No swearing, no throwing clubs and especially no hitting other players." "You mean no fun." "You can have fun." "That's why I think people come to see you." "But keep it within reason." "I will work on what you call behaving." "But I won't act like a stiff." "Fine." "Thank you." "Hey, um you want to get some food?" "No, thanks." "I don't date golfers." "Good." "I'm a hockey player." "Just behave, okay?" "Happy Gilmore approaches the tee in the 72nd annual Cleveland Classic." "Happy Gilmore!" "Drive it 400 yards!" "I can't believe I have fans." "I waited all my life for that." "Don't be alarmed, Mr. Gilmore." "I know we had our problems, but I'm proud of you." "Thanks a lot, Mr. Larson." "It's good to see you again." "How's that, uh, thing feeling?" "Terrific." "The nail comes out next week." "Well, you hardly even notice it." "Let's make a little noise here." "Come on!" "I can't hear you!" "Trying to reach the green from here?" "That's not possible, sir." "I beg to differ." "Happy Gilmore accomplished that feat no more than an hour ago." "Well, moron, good for Happy-- Oh, my God!" "Oh, my God." "Hey, Shooter, you forgot your nine iron." "A large and economically diverse crowd here at the Michelob Invitational." "It's the tour sensation, Happy Gilmore who's attracting all types to this course." "I even saw one guy wearing one of those beer-dispensing helmets." "Damn you people." "Go back to your shanties." "This is a biggie, pal." "I got to make some real money." "What do you think?" "Slightly downhill?" "And slanting left." "No, you think that 'cause you only got one shoe on." "Oh, yeah." "Happy Gilmore" "You got the ball?" "Happy Gilmore from nine feet." "Here comes the putter throw." "Wait." "He's restrained himself." "Maybe this is a new Happy Gilmore." "Another tournament here in Dallas, and Shooter McGavin wins again." "He's won here 3 years in a row." "That son of a bitch!" "Give me my ball!" "Give it here!" "Cough it up, you dirty bastard!" "I'll rip it out of you!" "Give me" "Give me the ball." "You have one eye." "Chubbs." "You took his hand." "That Happy Gilmore is a real crack-up." "He's a hoot!" "He's bringing in some big crowds." "Today, one of his fans mooned me." "He had "HAPPY" written on his ass." ""HA" was on one cheek and "PPY" on the other." "I love what he's doing for golf." "Well, I'm starting to come around." "Everyone is." "Well, I'm not, Doug!" "This man is destroying golf." "I saw two fat bikers in the woods off 17 having sex." "How can I chip with that going on?" "Kick him off the Tour." "He hasn't broken any rules." "He's a disgrace to the game!" "Yes, but our ratings are up." "We're attracting new, youthful sponsors." "I'm sorry, Shooter." "There's nothing I can do." "Then I'll have to take care of this myself." "Grandma, I came in 9th place." "I won $35,000." "So we'll get the house back?" "As long as I don't place last the next two times we'll get the money in time." "That's wonderful, Happy." "I love you, Grandma." "Bye." "Good-bye, darling." "We should go on that date." "I've been pretty good lately." "Oh?" "I hear you broke a rake and threw it in the woods." "I didn't break it." "I was testing its durability." "I put it in the woods because it's made of wood and he should be with his family." "At least I didn't punch anyone." "Okay, we'll go on a date." "But just as friends." "Slow down." "I don't want to be more than friends." "I just met you." "Fit you okay?" "I haven't skated since I was a little kid." "Can we get a little time here?" "For Happy Gilmore, anything." "You played ice hockey?" "Shut up." "Oh, my God...power failure." "It's very scary in here." "Did you plan this?" "No." "I thought we were going to be just friends." "What?" "Friends listen to "Endless Love" in the dark." "This song reminds me of seventh grade." "It reminds me of my grandmother." "That's kind of weird." "She took me to see this movie." "I had the biggest crush on Brooke Shields." "My grandma told me I should write her a letter, so I did." "I got a letter back from Brooke two weeks later." "But it was in my grandmother's handwriting." "Your grandma sounds sweet." "She is sweet." "That's why I feel so terrible." "Why?" "No, forget it." "You can tell me." "She's stuck in a nursing home." "The IRS repossessed her house." "That's awful." "That's why I joined the Tour." "I'm close to getting her house back." "Don't tell anyone." "I'm kind of embarrassed." "Don't worry." "I won't tell anyone." "I'll make you a bet." "Do you always carry a puck?" "Yeah." "Now, if you get that puck in the net over there I'll never bother you again." "But if you miss you have to give me a big, fat kiss." "And you have to pretend you like it." "Really?" "Good luck." "Shit." "Talk about your all-time backfires." "Happy I didn't see it go in." "I'll give it all to you" "My love, my love, my love" "My endless love" "Welcome to soggy San Francisco site of this year's Pepsi Pro-Am." "Hello, Happy." "I'm Bob Barker." "What an honor." "Nice to meet you." "We're playing together today." "That's funny." "Who am I really playing with?" "In a Pro-Am, each golfer plays with a celebrity." "Wow." "Nick Faldo and I won last year." "I'd like to win this year." "I'll do my best." "Hey, Gilmore?" "You suck, you jackass." "Shut the hell up." "I'd love to punch that guy in the face, but I'd get in trouble." "You get this on "Let's Make A Deal"?" ""The Price ls Right", Happy." "Oh, yeah." "Sorry." "It happens." "Let's play some golf." "Jackass." "The club went further than the ball." "What was that all about?" "It's just that it's rainy and that guy...." "It just slipped." "Get a blanket and suntan lotion, 'cause you'll never get off that beach." "Just the way you never got into the NHL, you jackass!" "The green's that way." "You will not make this putt, you jackass." "Nice shooting, soldier." "All right, Happy nice and easy." "That was not nice and easy." "That guy is driving me crazy." "What's driving me crazy is you not getting the ball in the hole." "Don't push me, Bob." "Now's not the time." "Jackass." "This guy sucks!" "We haven't seen Gilmore play this badly since his first day on tour." "He and Bob Barker are now dead last." "You should be working at the snack bar, not playing golf." "Relax, Bob." "There is no way you could have been as bad at hockey as you are at golf." "Okay, let's go." "You like that, old man?" "!" "You want a piece of me?" "I don't want a piece of you." "I want the whole thing!" "Now you're gonna get it, Bobby!" "The price is wrong, bitch." "I think you've had enough." "No?" "Now you've had enough." "Bitch." "That couldn't have gone better." "Instead of hitting you, he hits Bob Barker." "Perfect." "So, see you at the next tournament?" "No need." "This was on national TV." "Gilmore is gone." "Let's get something at the Red Lobster." "My treat." "Some other time." "I thought we were friends." "We are." "I just have to go." "I'll be at the Red Lobster in case you change your mind." "God bless!" "There you are." "Happy Gilmore, come on down!" "Thank you, Shooter." "Sit down." "So you got in a fight with a game show host on national TV." "That is not entertainment." "This is not hockey, no matter how much you want it to be." "I know that and I'm sorry." "But there was a guy out there giving me crap." "It took all I had not to hit him." "So you head-butt Bob Barker?" "Who won that fight, anyway?" "Enough, Shooter." "The board has done the following:" "Fined you $25,000 and suspended you for one month." "What?" "!" "I got to play!" "What?" "!" "Kick him off the Tour." "The board thinks that might be extreme considering the fact that our ratings were the highest we've ever had." "My grandmother's house got repossessed." "If I don't win more prize money, they'll sell it to someone else." "Whoop-dee-doo." "Get out." "It's over." "My grandmother will never see her house again." "But you've made a lot of money." "You could buy her a nice condo." "My grandfather didn't build any condos with his bare hands." "Damn it, I hate that Bob Barker." "There must be another way to get the $50,000." "I don't want to talk about it." "I failed, okay?" "Let me just enjoy the one thing that makes me a bit happy this fresh, delicious, tasty meaty, turkey-filled Cold Cut Combo." "I eat three every day just to keep me strong." "Hey, Happy can I have one of those?" "Coming right up!" "Talk about a hole in one." "Subway sandwiches will drive away your hunger." "What do you think?" "I love it." "He looks so handsome." "And it makes me hungry." "They gave me a card that gives us free Subway for life." "That's lovely." "You know what else is lovely?" "That commercial puts us up to $275,000." "Let's go get your house back." "What the hell?" "What's going on here?" "It's exciting." "We're auctioning off your grandmother's house." "You said if we got the money, we could buy it back." "You can buy it back." "Bidding will start at $100,000." "Do I hear 100?" "This is the exciting part." "Have fun." "Look at all these people." "What's going on, Happy?" "Thank you, two." "They're auctioning it off." "Good." "We'll get it cheaper than we thought." "Two fifty, thank you." "Maybe not." "Two seventy-five!" "Two seventy-five." "And three." "Three fifty down front." "I have three fifty." "Seventy-five anywhere?" "Three fifty--sold to the gentleman in the white sweater." "What just happened, Happy?" "Go wait in the car, Grandma." "What the hell is wrong with you?" "I enjoy real estate speculation." "You touch me, I burn the house down and piss on the ashes." "What do you want for it?" "You know what." "You off the Tour." "Quit, and the house is yours." "Fine." "I quit." "No way." "Happy, come here." "He's right." "I don't belong in golf." "I'm a hockey player." "What team do you play for?" "Easy." "Face it, Happy." "You are a golfer." "I did this to get Grandma's house back." "Now I can." "No regrets." "What do you think she wants more--to get her house back or see you succeed?" "Maybe she can have both." "Hey, Shooter." "The Tour Championship is next week." "If I beat you, I get the house." "You beat me, I'll quit." "You're going to beat me?" "At golf?" "You're on." "But you're in trouble." "I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast." "You eat pieces of shit for breakfast?" "No." "That was great." "I know you will kick his ass." "That makes one of us." "Take care of Grandma." "I'll walk from here." "Where are you going?" "To learn to play golf." "I'm stupid, you're smart." "I was wrong, you were right." "You're the best, I'm the worst." "You're very good-looking, I'm not attractive." "Okay, as long as you're willing to admit that." "Now are you ready to work and do what I tell you?" "Believe me, I'm ready." "Then let's get to work." "I'm sorry." "Here." "Here's your pinky." ""Happyland", just like me." "Don't get excited." "I've been here before." "This is embarrassing." "I'm a professional golfer, for God's sake." "No, it's your short game that's embarrassing." "Let's go." "Just line up the putt." "Don't even look at the hole." "Aim for a spot six inches in front of the hole." "Line up with that." "Okay." "Six inches." "This one's very tough." "He's laughing, having fun." "Yeah, laugh it up." "Enjoy your night." "Happy, concentrate." "I hate that clown." "Easy." "If you can't beat the clown, how will you beat Shooter McGavin?" "You're gonna die, clown!" "Is that funny?" "I don't hear you laughing now!" "Enough." "What?" "I can't do it!" "Come with me, Happy." "Come on!" "You suck, you stupid clown!" "Remember, this isn't hockey." "You don't play with raw emotion." "You can't putt angry." "You must clear your mind of everything else and stay focused." "How can I do that?" "Think of a place that's really perfect." "Your own happy place." "Go there and all your anger will disappear." "Then putt." "Happy place." "Happy place." "Your happy place." "Now how do you feel?" "Better." "Now putt." "Your happy place." "We took some giant steps tonight." "I'm really proud of you." "Here." "I got something special for you." "Thanks, Chubbs." "It's the putter I used when I played-- slightly modified, of course." "Man, this is excellent." "You got the spirit of a hockey player in you, so I figured--why fight it?" "I got something for you, too." "If not for you, none of this would have happened so I wanted to show my appreciation." "This looks nice." "What is it?" "Open it." "Shit." "Oh, man." "Remember the 'gator that got your hand?" "I got his head." "First my dad and now Chubbs." "Anyone I get close to, dies." "If I were you, I'd run." "You can't blame yourself for this." "I guess that alligator finally finished the job." "I'm going to miss you, pal." "How am I going to play today?" "Just remember what he taught you." "Congratulations, murderer." "You killed a golf legend." "Beat it, McGavin." "I'm dedicating my performance at the Tour Championship to Chubbs' memory." "I'm playing for Chubbs." "I called it first." "You want to beat him?" "Beat him on the course." "Yeah, I'm gonna beat your ass out there." "Right." "And Grizzly Adams had a beard." "Grizzly Adams did have a beard." "The golfers of the Tour Championship are ready to begin." "There may be 63 professionals vying for the title of world's best... but in the minds of the spectators, there are only two." "Tour kingpin Shooter McGavin and bad boy Happy Gilmore, just off suspension." "Wouldn't you know it?" "They've been paired together." "I have some good interior design ideas for Grandma's house." "You know the bedroom next to the stairs?" "Yeah, that was my room." "I'm turning it into my trophy room." "It just may not be big enough." "All right." "You know what's pathetic?" "You've been playing golf all your life." "Let me show you how we do it in the pros." "That's got to hurt." "Happy learned how to putt." "Uh-oh." "Here's a free lesson." "Can't learn that on a hockey rink." "Somebody's closer." "After one day, Shooter McGavin is leading." "But the big surprise is young Happy Gilmore nipping at his heels, trailing by only one stroke." "Shooter from the sand." "Playing like he really wants that jacket." "Happy Gilmore answers back with a birdie." "Happy with a long eagle opportunity." "It's good!" "And Shooter can't believe it!" "He is now tied with Happy Gilmore!" "Uh-oh." "A little too much zip on that one." "Hold it, hold it, hold it." "No!" "I didn't see that." "Did it go in?" "I wasn't watching." "I wasn't watching." "I saw it go up." "Did it go back in?" "At the end of day three, Happy Gilmore has the lead." "One has to be impressed with the vast improvement in his short game." "Donald, it's Shooter." "Shooter!" "It's great to hear from you!" "Want to go to Sizzler and get some grub?" "No, thanks." "Not hungry." "This call is about business." "I need you here in the morning." "It's the final day of the Tour Championship and it promises to be a classic." "Happy Gilmore leads the pack." "Is this a changing of the guard?" "We'll know in 18 holes." "Happy is really on today." "There he is." "That worm." "Happy, look out!" "Are you okay?" "Volkswagen." "Jackass!" "Jackass!" "You have no serious injuries." "Just keep off your feet for a few days." "Forget it." "I have to finish." "Do what you like." "What do I know?" "I'm just a doctor." "Are you okay?" "I'm fine." "There is no shame in throwing in the towel." "You must be careful with your health." "Let's just play some golf." "I knew Happy Gilmore was tough but I can't believe he's playing after being hit by a car." "Let's hope it doesn't affect his game." "That's the first time he's failed to outdrive McGavin." "Well, well, well." "Happy Gilmore is human after all." "Happy Gilmore is in trouble if he can't hit the long ball." "If he has a chance of winning today, he must do it on the green." "He has to focus now." "He has to save this one for par." "That bogey drops him out of the lead." "If he wants to stay in this thing he has to calm down." "Don't worry about your grandma." "She can live with me--be my maid." "Look at the cabbage he's in now." "Things just keep getting worse for Happy Gilmore." "Just remember what Chubbs said." ""Go to a happy place."" ""Go to a happy place."" "God!" "This looks like the end for Happy Gilmore." "Shooter now has a commanding lead." "Happy, look who's here." "Grandma." "Happy, you look upset." "What's wrong?" "I stink." "I'm not going to win." "Don't worry, sweetheart." "The house isn't important." "It's just a house." "Stop fraternizing with the help, Gilmore." "Just hit your ball, if you can find it." "Hi, Grandma." "Forget him." "I just want you to be happy, darling." "All right, Grandma." "Grandma wants me to be happy." "Chin up, Happy." "Don't feel bad about me." "I got my hand back, see?" "We've only just begun" "To live" "White lace and promises" "A kiss for luck and we're on our way" "It ain't over yet, McGavin." "The way I see it, we've only just begun." "Happy, the gold jacket's yours." "Shooter will choke." "Unbelievable!" "Damn you people!" "This is golf, not a rock concert!" "Putz!" "Happy rules!" "Happy Gilmore has charged in the back nine and is now even with Shooter McGavin." "If Shooter doesn't get out of the funk he's in he may miss out on the gold jacket." "Ladies and gentlemen, the 18th hole is a par three, 160 yards." "In the event of a tie, there will be a play-off." "Mr. Gilmore, you have the honors." "No matter what, I'm having fun." "You're starting to sound like a golfer." "I know." "Keep it down." "Nice shot!" "Fifteen feet short of the hole." "Shooter's ball is in the woods." "Happy's on the 18th green, where a car driven by a crazed fan rammed the TV tower." "Let me through-- I'm looking for my ball." "This is golf, okay?" "Excuse me." "Thank you." "Is this your ball?" "Yes, it is." "It struck my foot." "Doug!" "Do I get a drop?" "The rule says, "Play it as it lies."" "That's two so far, Shooter." "You can count." "Good for you." "And you can count on me waiting for you in the parking lot." "You're still away." "I'm aware of that." "Thank you." "I can't see." "Hey, up here." "Shooter needs this to put pressure on Happy." "If he misses, Happy can two-putt to victory." "Choke on that, baby!" "Shooter." "If Gilmore sinks this, it will cap an amazing comeback." "Great." "Now I have a tower blocking my ball." "We'll get it moved and you'll finish tomorrow." "Right, Doug?" "No, he has to hit it now." ""Play it as it lies."" "I hit it off Frankenstein's fat foot." "Those are the rules." "He's right." "Take your shot, Mr. Gilmore." "Virginia, just so you know, my jacket size is 44 long." "And my right arm is a bit longer than my left." "Hit it around the tower, sink your putt and we'll go to sudden death." "Nah, I'll just beat him now." "Good luck." "Chubbs, I know you'll help me here." "Oh, my God." "Incredible!" "Happy Gilmore wins the gold jacket." "I love you." "I love you." "And I love you." "Doug!" "It's impossible!" "That's my jacket!" "It's mine!" "He stole my jacket!" "I believe that's Mr. Gilmore's." "I will get you, Shooter!" "Stop!" "Stop!" "Be still!" "Don't!" "Coming?" "You bet." "All right." "Here's to Chubbs, wherever he is." "Hey, Happy." "Nice jacket." "Who are you waving at, Happy?" "Nobody, Grandma." "Let's go home."