"Out of the five children, three of us grew up in the 60s and wanted to change the world, or at least wanted the world to let us be as we were." "Libertarians." "We had different stories, but it was always the three of us, who turned the order upside down, the ones who misbehaved, the problematic ones." "But what to do faced with death otherthen cry uninterruptedly?" "The fact that we lost Miguel made Heitor want to talk." "So I decided to recover the letters that mother had kept and I started making this film." "A LONG JOURNEY" "I went to London because my revolutionary sister was getting me involved in the demonstrations." "Then my parents started worrying that I might follow herfootsteps." "Then they sent me off to the good life." "My dear sister...." "My dear sister...." "My dear sister:" "I don't need to write you a long letter because you know very well how I feel about you." "You know very well that all this time I've never stopped thinking about you and admiring you." "All this time you have always been, alive and active in my memory." "Little sister, I have bought 4 books foryou I hope you like them." "Otherwise, write and tell me what you want and you can be sure that I'll send you the books you want even if means that I have to sell my trousers." "After living as a clandestine fortwo and a half years I was arrested in March, 1971." "I was isolated and being tortured at the Army investigation Centre fortwo and a half months in Rio." "Then I think it was in June that they sent me to the Military Village and I was then officially a political prisoner, with the right to one visit a week and to receive letters which were censured." "Among the gifts that I received from London, no one understood how the book from George Jackson, a black activist who was in prison in the US, got through the censorship." "I fell in love with George Jackson and with the whole story." "As I was also a prisoner, I felt the strength of those words that spoke of love that could not come true." "I wanted to be Angela Davis." "I wept when I met her in a small New York theatre while watching a play that paid homage to her." "A little less than I cried 40 years ago in a cell at the Military Village." "We managed to smuggle in a radio, and in the morning we listened to the censured Brazilian news and some international news." "The police invaded the Atica Penitentiary yesterday, suffocating the rebellion that started 4 days ago." "The rebellion started as a protest against the death of George Jackson in the San Quentin Penitentiary during an escape attempt." "George Jackson was part of the Black Panther organization." "Today we are two respectable ladies." "She's an emeritus teacher at a university in California." "And I'm a Brazilian filmmaker." "On this accidental meeting in a small theatre off Broadway, as I hid my tears, she did not seem to understand why a Brazilian" " a white Brazilian - was so emotional." "After all, life had been so different forthe three of us." "London, June 8th, 1971." "This morning I went to the Stock Exchange with my business class." "I couldn't help laughing at those men in theirtop hats, yelling and fighting simply over money." "Mother, those diplomas are all secondary, that is not why I'm here." "I only do them foryou." "I hate them, they don't prove a thing." "I will never need them in my life, because I'll never get a job where l will need them." "I hope neverto be part of this society." "I will show you what I am really learning here when I return." "Then I smoked a massive joint." "I had never smoked, I smoked... I started having an epileptic fit in bed," "but after an hour I had recovered and went out for a walk, I didn't even say goodbye to the man and went to play football at the Russian Embassy with the Russian spies." "On the following day, they were sent away from England." "They loved my football." "Then afterthe football I went to Wimpy's Bar to have some soup where l came across an old Indian, my first guru." "Then I turned to Hinduism and started dreaming about India..." "But that's another story all together." "My Russian friends whom I used to play football with were deported, they were spies." "Now I play football with the cats." "Russian spies and gold from Moscow." "Besides eating children, communists wore suits and carried a briefcase." "But we were against the Soviet Union, real socialism and all that." "We wanted to hang the last capitalist with the guts of the last bureaucrat." "Even so, I confess that I was afraid when I entered the organization." "At the meeting that solemnly marked my initiation in the clandestine movement, I trembled as I waited forthe man in a suit that carried a suitcase." "Who appeared was wearing jeans and a t-shirt." "He had a shallow beard." "We were nineteen years old." "Beautiful and dearest mother, I know that everything depends on us" "And maybe things did not turn out as you had expected." "Our dear Lucia did not destroy the family." "Quite the opposite, I feel we are getting closer by the day opening up to one another, basically.... facing the blows of life with much pride." "Love, Heitor" "Dr. Miguel de Vasconcellos, on his birthday and his hon. family on 08/18/1944" "Everything became very difficult for my mother." "The older daughters grew up in the 50s, when life had very well defined rules." "Educated with the moralist traditions of the time, my mother had to fight against herself to defend her kids who were born later." "Miguel had finished the catholic school where the men in the family studied." "And was studying medicine when, like any youngster at the time, he tried drugs." "It was different back then." "Dictatorship propaganda described a supposed communist drug collusion." "And Miguel ended up in prison for a month as he was caught smoking pot." "Sartre said that anyone who has reached his thirties without having been arrested is an idiot." "All three of us had been arrested for some reason or other." "I rememberthat my mother arrived at the prision and said something memorable." "Not about you, but about Miguel, she said:" "" This exceeds my 'elasticity'." "A political prisoner is okay, but a common one is too much."" "If you send cigarettes make sure they are Continental." "The famous Caetano record that I can't find here." "More and more letters." "Much love and affection." "A Kibon ice cream, because they cannot be found here." "A piece of Copacabana beach (preferably with people in it)." "Don't send Cruzeiro or Manchete magazines, because they make me shudder." "Yesterday I read an article in The Observer about Latin America." "The critic wrote about each country separately." "When it came to Brazil Goodness me, he spoke so critically that his words startled me." "Congratulations forthe priests." "Without quite being able to understand what was happening, attacked by sexual liberation, drugs, politics, prisons, deaths, in despair, the Theology of Liberation emerged to my mother as the possible bridge between the old and new world." "I turned into Jesus, the saviour, more Christian than all Christians as I gave my life to humanity." "Today, I must confess that it was a bore." "I gave up religion when I was thirteen and caused a fuss at a family dinner when I said that I no longer believed in God." "Pragmatic as always, my father said :" "" Fine, but was all the fuss necessary, couldn't you just stop believing?"" "No, I couldn't." "I love it when the priest does that with the cloth and he places it on the chalice." "I think it's so beautiful." "It's the same every day." "It never changes." "I love church services." "They do no harm." " Do you take communion?" " l do." "I don't think I have any sins." "In politics, I militated with priests who did not try to indoctrinate me." "But I did not have the religious sentiment in me." "During torture it was very difficult not to believe, but I was still unable." "Miguel turned into a scientist." "We shared our agnosticism forthe rest of our lives." "But this time it was two of us." "Has the ink finished?" "Eight days have gone by and still no letter?" "If I don't get a lettertomorrow, I'll cry." "Everything and all are well." "The neck pains come and go." "I miss home more and more." "Then Robert arrived." " How did you meet Robert?" "I got a job in a restaurant, Mr. Submarine, that sold those massive sandwiches, from midnight to six in the morning." "He would visit and leave a box of matches with hashish in it." "He would give it to us just like that." "Then I said:" "shall we go to my place?" "He had a suitcase with five or six kilos from Kashmir in it." "A bomb, right?" "I get along very well with Robert." "We were thinking about going to Amsterdam by bike next weekend, but our bikes were stolen (damn it, crap)." "We might be off to Kathmandu in three weeks." "I'll write telling you as soon as I know." "Ps.:" "Don't worry mother." "I won't be ashamed of telling you anything I do." "I hope you understand me." "Finally we decided to go to Morocco." "There are eight of us." "A great family and we all love one another." "Don't ask about Cannes." "Nothing happened. lt's horrible." "You rode a Rolls Royce in Cannes!" " That's all I did." "And I played football with the Moroccans on the beach." "I went to the festival door but was stopped." "I had planned to go to Casablanca to meet my friends." "At the last moment my friend Greg invited me to Cannes to try to coverthe festival." "Life in Cannes is very expensive and we were out of money the first day" "The environment is sickly." "Cinema turned into part of my life and helped me survive." "Maybe that's why I was not ashamed of the paparazzi, of the anxious crowd hanging around the celebrities, of the ridiculous formalities and of the excessive business that exists so that the circus may continue." "Today when I visit the places that Heitor visited, I see that in life we crossed in space, but never in time." "Essauira had beautiful beaches, a splendid Portuguese fortress... lt was called Mogador." "The Portuguese stopped there to stock up before departing on the Great Navigations." "Then a great number of stoners got together forthe beaches, the hashish." "Morocco, May, 1972." "Dear all, Things have gone wrong again." "I have not been able to find my friends." "Otherwise, I have found a lovely Danish couple that is taking care of me." "The strongest hashish was called Zero-zero." "I bought half a kilo." "And I placed it on the sole of my foot." "with sticking plaster and socks." "Then I was stopped by the police at Casablanca airport." "They even asked me to spread my legs, but they didn't take off my socks." "Then I went to England." "We laughed a lot watching Marx Brothers." "London." "Bedi found a job for me at the Courts of Justice." "Of course, there was no way I would get the job." "But it was funny that one of the judges said that I would have to cut my hair." "It made me laugh, they all wore enormous wigs." "They only reason I couldn't work there was because my hair was natural!" "I'll be there soon." "I'll stay for about two months." "Dad, I'll try to bring the shotgun foryou and we can go down to Palmas to kill a few partridges." "Fishing and hunting is expensive here and it's all very civilized." "Farmers here think much of themselves with half an acre of land and ten cows that are much fatter then ours, I may say." "We had two very well defined sides in the family." "My mother's side were poets, intellectuals, a certain laziness that justified not working" "(it was ugly to work for money) the permission to go mad, the fear of going mad." "On my father's side, the south, the farms, immigration, work." "The farmer aunt whom I was asking about a very ill cousin, looked at me surprised when she faced my doubts about the certainty of death." "That's life, my dear." "What can be done?" "Plant, pick, wither, restart." "Oh, what a nice note." "Here you go, Vera." "Vera, look at the note." "Ever so nice." "Have you ever heard of someone celebrating 70 years of marriage?" "When the fantasy of the revolution was over during those first moments at the torture centre where l was beaten and everything fell apart, I thought I wouldn't make it." "When I resisted I felt like the farmer aunt refusing to be buried before the time." "From the uproar, I threw away the earth that covered my body and got up." "The cycle had not come to an end." "But I wasn't the farmer aunt." "Nor was Heitor." "It's very difficult for me to write to Lucia, but I will try as soon as possible." "The letteryou wrote truly impressed me." "I didn't even sleep properly because I was thinking about Lucia's problems and all that." "I tried writing to her millions of times but would always tear up the letter." "I get the impression that I will not write to her, I'm sure she knows what I have to say and even what I think." "In 1972, Heitor will come to Brazil with his girlfriend." "And I was still at the Military Village." "Only parents and siblings could visit." "And little was said during the visit." "By order of the army, the distance between the prisoner and the visitor had to be of at least one meter, with the presence of a guard who would take note of all our words." "I did not therefore hear much about what was really happening to him." "Yes, you were in prison." "Then she thought:" "Ops, I'll look like a Brazilian." "I'll take my poncho." "She put a green poncho on." "Then she started screaming behind the bars." "There were two bars." "One isolating you and one isolating us." "She started screaming:" "Hi!" "Hi!" "But away from there, even in the midst of the dictatorship, the beach was still beautiful and people lovable and those who didn't know about the basements did not notice much." "Bedi, the American girlfriend, loved Brazil." "It might seem surreal but I swear it's true." "An old Australian friend of Robert's had been in Athens for one year." "He had a 1970 Kombi, but his motherfell ill and he had to return immediately to Australia." "Now he can't get his passport, because the Greek government accuses him of leaving properties in the country." "As such, he asked Robert to accept the car if he can get it within three weeks." "We are leaving to Athens tomorrow." "In Brazil and in Greece of 1972, samba and taverns dominated the scene offering pleasure, coinciding with the dictatorship." "But there are times when humanity sighs as if evil had been definitely defeated." "And I like and need these moments." "Having worked with so many images, sometimes I'm not sure what I have lived and what I handled." "I have always seen myself in Paris, on the Day of Liberation, even having been born after." "I see myself beautiful, vibrant, celebrating the end of Nazism." "As if that day summarized the world." "I remember- and I was there - with immense pleasure, the crowd that was gathering in downtown Rio, protesting for immediate elections." "But that was much later." "Athens, September 3rd, 1972." "We got a telegram yesterday saying no about the car." "I cannot begin to describe the state of sadness that took over me and Rob." "What could we do?" "We came to the conclusion that the best way to make the best of the next 3 months was a trip to Australia, where we would make a lot of money." "We think it will take about 2 and a half months to get to Sidney because the entire trip will be by land and sea, because Australia it is an island." "By the tone you might think that it's a joke, but it's as true as the fact that I miss you." "We will not run into any problems or danger because Rob knows the route very well and the roads are very busy." "This was not a fast decision." "We thought about all the consequences." "I was afraid that you and Dad would be worried." "But think about it:" "The streets of New York are more dangerous than pacific India." "You wanted to go from Greece to Australia, and you thought you could succeed." "How much money did you have?" "Well then, Michael won 50 dollars for me in the casino and I sold my blood for 50 dollars, because I had no money in Greece." "So we had 100 dollars." "foryou and Robert to spend until you reached Australia?" " and you and Robert thought that would be enough?" "We did." "He had covered the route in the opposite direction." "Ankara, September 25th, 1972." "We arrived in the morning and spent the day looking fortransport to go directly to Tehran." "Naturally, Papi lost 33 monies here, the train ticket cost less then that, while Rob got the same visa for 7 monies." "Ijust can't understand these people." "Herat is beautiful." "Chariots, colourful horses wearing pendants." "All coloured." "There are no cars." "Clay houses." "There are no buildings." "Finally we got to Afghanistan, after a long and tiring Iran." "We spent a day in Mashra waiting for visas and buses to the frontier." "We had to get five different buses but prices are falling all the time." "The hotel where we are staying costs ten monies." "13 cents a night, but there is no bed." "There were 8 of us in the same room." "There's a platform." "The tea house is a big platform." "With those magnificent carpets." "Nothing else, that's it." "It's off the floor, lt's a platform, some kind of high tatame covered with those carpets." "And the teapots are all broken and mended with wire and they don't leak." "We drank tea all the time." "Robert and I were going to open a tea house in Sidney, Australia." "We will spend two days round here." "Then we will take a bus directly to Kabul, a 36 hours trip that costs a little under 2 dollars." "Afghanistan is beautiful." "People are so friendly and gentle." " How was the deal?" "Because he didn't say a word." "Neither did I." "He spoke Afghan, I think, or some kind of dialect." "He gave me a stone this size." "The opium and the pollen." "Then I gave him a note of fifty... I can't remember what the currency was," "Afghan currency, and he was very satisfied." "I naturally agreed on financial independence when I left you." "I stress this independence that I believe exists." "Rob and I are thinking about buying some jewellery in India to resell in Sidney." "I'll pay you back with the profit." " But were you going to make a business of it?" "No, I was going to smoke, Lucia." "Make some money with my friends." "Robert did not make much money with the case that he took." "He made no money at all." "Gave everything away, smoked everything, we smoked everything." "The return from Mazar-i-Sharif is worth describing." "We left wearing shorts and dark glasses, typical tourists visiting the Sahara." "At six in the morning the bus starts up and a light rain starts falling." "After exactly 20 minutes it starts snowing." "It started wonderfully with small flakes of snow whitening the scenery." "I couldn't believe my eyes." "Afterthree hours of snow, the little bus was nearly getting stuck." "It would slide a little, but no one panicked Then it started snowing heavily, and the bus had no windshield." "Then the bloke stood on the bus for hours, doing this." "When in 2001 the Twin Towers were destroyed and the unknown Afghanistan was on the first page of all newspapers, it seemed impossible that my brother had been there over 30 years ago." "Now, as I read these letters, everything seems even more fantastic, as if it was impossible to relate the present to the past." "I'd much rather be here than anywhere in America." "Their underdevelopment is incomparably more comfortable and attractive then ours." "I love all this." "I'm happy." "And is that not what we yearn for?" "I'm in Kabul, half way to Sydney." "It's a journey that I consider very important." "I thought a lot about the repercussions it would cause that seem to have been greater than I expected." "I had been thinking about this trip for a long time, because what might seem crazy to you is totally normal forthousands of guys who take the same trip." "The radio informs that the quantity of guys, and there are no oldertourists, in transit in Kabul is estimated at 15,000." "This trip is absolutely no more dangerous than travelling in Europe." "News on the radio saying that the situation in Pakistan is tense, in a state of war- bullshit." "These are the calmest and most peaceful people to be found." "I lied to mother." "Pakistan was in a tense situation with India, they were on the verge of war." "There were bombs exploding in Kashmir." "Assam, over on the other side, on the border with Bangladesh, was fighting for independence, and bodies were going down the river." "But if I told my mother, she would have a fit." " But was Afghanistan not like that?" " No, they were lovely, lovely people." "I'm fine." "I've even gotten used to pepper." "Here in Delhi we are living in a park right in the middle of the town centre, but it is also withdrawn, because not many people know of it." "We live together with some Sadus, holy men, and some other lads." "There is also a large variety of animals that jump, play and wake everybody up." " ln the letters you compare the park to paradise." "Yes, there were cows, monkeys and peacocks." "And lots of hashish, all day." "All day, non-stop." "Heitor, I took a photo foryou of a Gadeshi temple, then I found out it was prohibited." "The week I spent in Rishkesh was marvellous." "I stayed at Swami's place with anotherten athletes." "Swami is a man who is 65 years old." "He looks like Dad, but a lot skinnier and he had never cut his hair or beard that are very grey, long, smooth and beautiful." "Swami liked me and I liked him." "Engagements brought me to Bombay that is in all aspects the opposite to Rishkesh." "But I always adapt to my changes." "Bombay is a very interesting city, where you can find everything." "It's a world." "Then we drew lots to decide who would take the stuff to Europe, I lost." "I went to Amsterdam not because I was afraid or because it's more liberal, but because it was cheaper." "The flight cost me 60 dollars." " From Bombay to Amsterdam?" " That's right." " So tell me what happened when you arrived." "When we landed..." "I was arrested." "But what was prison itself like?" "Prison was fine." "The problem was the week in isolation at the police station." " Tell me more about prison." "Prison was great." "There was a cinema...television." "Only a radio in the cell." "But it played rock'n roll all day long." "People from all overthe world." "There was even a Cuban." "After his deportation, Heitor's arrival was a surprise." "I was already at the woman's prison, with visits in an open patio, no censorship, when he appeared." "Officially because he was missing us greatly." "My parents and sisters were very emotional and happy." "Miguel and I heard the truth." "Another experience of the three of us." "Nothing threatening." "We found it funny." "A prison in Holland was a lot more glamorous than Bangu and somehow or other we were all illegal - all three." "You had 5 kg in the suitcase?" "How much did you have in the boots?" "One in each." "And what was the chargerfor?" "How much did you have in the charger?" "That was for me to smoke there, on the way, in prison." "The charger was a thing this size." "But I was so at peace in India, so calm and relaxed, that I didn't even use Vaseline, ljust did this, POW, and it was in." "But then at the police station, those big policemen, those horrible Aryans, like Gestapo, a horrible sight." "They wore boots and leather jackets." "They stared at me for one week." "So, I couldn't eat." "When you eat, you take a shit, right?" "After one month he was travelling again." "I was still at Bangu prison." "My detention became part of the family's day-to-day life." "This song is great, I love it." "It reminds me of myself." "Jefferson Airplane, they lived in San Francisco next door, in a palace." "Pittsburgh, February 28th, 1973." "Here I am on my way to San Francisco, I must arrive before the 5th of March to deliverthe Volkswagen that we are driving." "At the moment we're at some friend's house who we met in India." "Sidney was a little American boy... whom I visited later in Pittsburgh, at an asylum." "He wanted to get into the clothes washing machine." "He gave me his boots." "He was afraid." "Perfect boots." "Why did he give you his boots?" "He was afraid of leaving Afghanistan with the boots." "He bought." "The soles were of hashish." " Oh, were the soles made of hashish?" "Yes, then he gave me them." "They went to Holland, left, came to Brazil, went to the USA, New York." "I kept those boots for about two years." "When I finally removed the hashish, lt was rock-solid." "I had to melt it in fire." "San Francisco, March 12th, 1973," "Dad, thank-you for being so understanding." "I'll pay you back as soon as I can." "The USA, particularly California, are very beautiful, but to be honest, that's not what I want." "I'll be back later, but the moment is not right for me." "Somehow, I think I'm disappointing you for not staying here." "London." "You have all the right not to understand my " brusque resolutions" ." "I have not said much about them in the few letters I have written, but its very difficult for me to explain certain things in letters, my reason for coming." "It was an instinctive fact where logic does not have much value." "The " underground" where we will live is very interesting, especially considering the location north of N. Hill Gate, famous forthe mix of races, dirt and decadence." "Mule, two-hundred pounds." "There was about 6-7 kg of hashish." "And how much did you earn?" " Two-hundred pounds, Lucia." "You earned two hundred pounds for bringing 6 or 7 kg of hashish?" " To take it." " From London, England, to London, Canada?" "From London to London." "That's what I liked most." "And how did they hire you?" "They were well-known there." "They lived in Nothing Hill." "San Francisco, October 25th, 1973." "Alors..." "We both agree that life is a sea of problems." "So there's no point talking about this, because mother and son are entirely d'accord... I promise with all my heart that I won't send more letters to Miguel." "To be honest, I have never sent anything that might have this meaning." "This story seems to be badly told." "At that point, I had been in prison for nearly three years." "What Heitor meant in the letter was the mescaline sent to Miguel that had been discovered and started a new crisis." "No one had told me the story at the time." "It was farfrom my life and at that moment I thought that I would be in prison for about ten years." "I was being charged for eight crimes and General Médici, who institutionalized torture and assassination in Brazil, was still in power." "Miguel visited me in prison whenever he could." "He was a breath of life for us all who were in prison." "He was our contact with the young world." "Among the three, Miguel organized himself the fastest and from then on, he was our balance point." "Then where did I go?" "To Brazil." "Again?" "Why?" "My family is so batty that when I don't receive news, I start thinking that anything may have happened." "I'll be there at the end of the year, so you must write now, oryou will never have another opportunity..." "Heitor arrived at the start of 1974 and I was released in June." "Slow and gradual opening had started shortly before." "Civil society was gaining strength and I admit being part of the elite, having an excellent lawyer and a connected family made a difference." "We went to Bangu in three cars." "Then we returned home." "You were seriously paranoid and I wanted to give you a Mandrix." "All you could say was:" ""they are going to come through the window, they are going to come through the window" ." "And you didn't take the Mandrix." "You would have slept if you had taken Mandrix." " Do you remember this photo?" "I do." "Gabi, me, Aninha, you, Vera and Pupi." "And Jesus." "That I had made in prison." "I hated this handicraft." "The only image I have of the day left Bangu is an enormous gate." "I was alone, scared, with a great expectations and my typewriter." "During three and a half years in the silence of prison, the world had became more and more beautiful." "How I missed the beach and the house, that beautiful city we lived in." "It was a surprise to see that noisy sidewalk covered in cars." "I couldn't rememberthe sounds, not even of cars." "I couldn't remember much." "By the handwriting, this is from Bedi." "Ah, it's for me." ""Dear Lucia" ." " Here you were separated, right?" "l don't know." "Lovely stamps." "Right, lovely stamps." "It was not long before all the declarations of eternal friendship disappeared in the midst of accusations." "I think that Miguel, as he is studying infecto-contagious disease, was the most understanding." "He was always the middleman." "Heitor went to work." "But he was unable to live in Brazil." "He just wanted to make enough money to get back on the road." "Oh right, Sheraton." "Then I snorted coke." "I did not enjoy it." "All night long, from eight to eight." "From eight in the evening, to eight in the morning." "But then you came back to theoretically settle in Brazil?" "No, I never wanted to stay in Brazil." "But it was madness." "The American got there with 10 dollars, I put it in my underwear, gave him the Brazilian money." "Then I would go out, sell, and get a better rate." " Because those were times of high inflation." " The black market rate was high." "It was very high." "I was earning $ 10 thousand dollars a month." "Don't exaggerate." "Of course!" "I was there for one month." "During the second period it decreased a little, I stayed fortwo months." "Such was my eagerness to go to India." "Looking back at the admiration that I always had forthe beatniks, the fascination for madness itself, I see that at that moment, despite still enjoying this literature, I could no longer stand it in my life." "After a defeated revolution, I was trying to survive." "No limits, no commitment, the excesses would be under control as from now." "I distanced myself." "We moved apart." "Oh, I bought a ticket to the Pacific l spent two years in the Pacific." "I bought a ticket." "It was this thick." "It wouldn't even fit in the stomach." "Easter Island," "Tahiti," "Tonga," "Fiji..." "Missionaries did not have an easy time here." "They were killed, 11 Frenchmen who left the men in black somewhat apprehensive until the last century." "But now the number is over 1100" "(popular statistics not confirmed by the Brazilian Statistics Institute)." "kinds of Protestantism." "And if I, for example, was to arrive here with my church" "" Last saint of the reincarnation of the 7th day of Heitor"" "the whole village would get together to build a temple, and everyone would chip in to buy the construction material." "There's a marvellous film, I don't know if you have seen it." "I think it was the first film everto have been made." "Tapu." " By a German." " Tabu." "Right, but in Melanesia, it's Tapu, with a p." "Tapu." "Dr. Mead's book about Samoan customs is really interesting, despite being now completely obsolete." "But it's worth reading, because we can understand what is happening here nowadays." "I feel very light here, walking around wearing a lava-lava and a t-shirt, but sometimes the children are a little excessive with their curiosity." "Only missing lifted my lava-lava to see if mine is the same as theirs." "If Tabu was a dream of the lost paradise," "Margaret Mead was the beginning of my dream that was made possible." "Whilst girls my age wanted to get married, I wanted to be an intellectual in Paris with many lovers." "Like Simone de Beauvoir, of course, who in turn had women behind her like Margaret Mead." "Based on extensive work carried out during the 20s with young Samoans," "Mead concluded that the transition to adolescence in the Southern Seas was a lot easier and was not marked by emotional confusions as it was in the puritan US of the time." "Herthesis served as a flag under which feminists acted in " the name of science" , demanding sexual liberty and equal rights." "When 60's has arrived, nobody wanted to be housewives." "While Heitortravelled the Southern Seas, I was working in my first movie and Miguel started his academic career." "And as they all got happier the more I drank, I continued until reaching a state of languor, despite being totally lucid." "When I thought the party was over, they began singing the most beautiful songs and everyone joined in, total liberty from 3 or4 voices, the perfect soul..." "It touched me profoundly." "It made me feel like crying... I travelled through the Pacific islands wearing a lava-lava and barefooted." "And a tiny case this size that mother gave me." "What was in the little case?" "A nail clipper, a handkerchief." "Sydney." "Things have changed a lot, particularly with regards to marriage." "My friends from the time I spent in London are all married." "Greg and Jemina expected another baby and they live in a cottage in the mountains." "Now Robert is about to get married." "After living with Gina for 2 years, who, by the way, is 5 months pregnant, they decided to get married next Sunday." "Did you not feel lonely?" "I felt somewhat distant from Robert who was my great friend." "And did you neverthink about getting married...?" "Oh, I had various opportunities, but I wanted to cross India by foot." "Ants in my pants." "That's an expression I love." "But that is over, I don't even want to go to Petropolis." "Santo Cristo is as far as I will go." "I was as drunk as a skunk, but I didn't get much embarrassed." "Ijust danced a little after drinking some tequilas." "It was funny to see the London group back together again." "People go through different experiences then it becomes difficult to communicate like back then." "I've been feeling very heavy at times, maybe because I get the impression that people expect something from me." "Or it might just be paranoia." "But deep inside, I don't think so." "You say that you were always high." "What was it you were high on?" "It was mescaline." "It was kept in the seam of my bag." "That's where l kept a portion." "I would remove it and cut a ¼ ... I took communion every morning." "And it would give me energy." "Energy." "ln the Southern Seas." "What about in Australia?" "Also." "Bilpin, September, 1977." "The most precious thing I have at the moment is my liberty." "The certainty that I can leave any place without having to tell anyone." "I wouldn't sell it for anything in the world." "Well, I take back what I wrote, because every man has his price, even though I'm not for sale." "This liberty that keeps me going, if I lost it now I would have no reason to carry on." "I honestly don't know what it is, this liberty or longing for liberty." "But I feed off the idea of it, it stimulates me, it makes me get out of bed on these cold mornings." "It might be leading me to a total incapacity to get along socially." "Solitude is difficult." "They say that man is a purely social being." "I'll put that to the test." "You said that you did that, right?" "You covered 13,000 km in 3 weeks in Australia." "You really didn't stop." " No, I didn't ." "You did not see anything." " l saw the road." "So is walking the fun part?" " On the road." "The government here pays a pension to the Aborigines, that they immediately spend on booze, they get completely drunk while the women prostitute themselves." "But the country goes ahead and keeps Australia in the future because there is plenty Uranium." "Despite the protests, they will start exploring " No man's Land"" "as the Aborigines call the big fields of uranium." "Many films about the Aborigines were made overthe last years." "Stories of massacre, prejudice and isolation." "The same sensation I had while filming in the Brazilian indigenous reserve, that the defeated culture is not able to survive decadence, alcohol and prostitution." "But cinema does also provide alternative examples." "Such as the fact that this Australian film that received a prize in Cannes, was made by a young Aborigine." "By my calculations he was about 3 years old when Heitor crossed No man's Land." "I left Port Hedland underthe difficult midday sun." "After some sweating, an English engineer stopped in this jeep." "He continued for 100 km then turned into a road in the middle of nowhere." "I continued on foot." "Afew kms further on, a white hydramatic stopped raising a typhoon of dust." "The scottish looking bloke stuttered:" "" How is it doing, mate?" "Sure, mate."" "He was just finishing this 12th beer." "He accelerated the old car up to 70 miles an hour saying that was the only way to avoid the bumps." "" Good roads, hey mate?"" "Then stones appeared on the road, no idea where they came from, the moon maybe." "He wrongly decided to brake and the car continued on two wheels, smoothly sliding overthe colourful sands of the Great Sandy Desert." "The Ego and Self." "One that grabs life with all its claws and the other wants to meet the eternal, the divine." "These were highly schizophrenic seconds." "Schizophrenia is not a disease and should not be treated clinically." "It is nothing more than a greater susceptibility to the eternal, a life in ecstasy, like God gave Adam." "But the letters are very different to your memories, right?" " They are all very straight and all..." " lt's mother." "All for mother." " But even to Miguel, wouldn't you send a letter describing what you were doing?" "l used to tell Miguel everything." " But in a letter?" " No." "Miguel, I imagine that with all the work you have got, you must be finding it difficult even to pee." "But as ourfriend said:" "" work ennobles, enriches and drives you mad" ." "I would like to write you a serious letter also, about my work, about the expansion possibilities." "But there is a small detail that stops me from commenting." "The fact that I'm not working at the moment." "That's it, I can't imagine a more appropriate reason." "So I should then write about my desire and search for the necessary hard work." "But not even in this vague sentiment I can find enough concrete to cement these hard lines." "So I will continue moving, lost, like a headless chicken." "My father had already died when Miguel, who had the same name and profession, defended his master's thesis." "In the dedication, the option for public health." "To My Father and a group of friends that gave me the childhood dream of a romantic, beautiful and pure medicine." "And for making me believe in the medicine as a fight gun in favour of the people." "This is it here..." "of the three of us." "A horrible beard." "You look like a guru there, don't you?" "But it has been long ago, everyone has got black hair." "Black hair and Julia is a little baby." "" Hi, Lucia." "This is Miguel." "I'm just calling to give you news about the appointment." "All is well." "Big hug."" "I'm just back from the post-office where l posted nine parcels, all to your address." "Christmas gifts, but they will probably only arrive for Easter, or maybe next Christmas." "They will probably get there in pieces, but that's ok." "The important is the act." "So that you know that I haven't forgotten about you." "I would like you to tell me the gifts that arrive in one piece." "Today I spent the whole day wondering around downtown Sidney, letting myself get carried away by the huge crowds." "I was saying goodbye to the cities where people think they are protected by buildings." "And people try to know in the stores the price of their own frustration." "It's expensive, very expensive, but no problem because I'll work double as hard." "I'll sell daddy's graduation ring, I'll pawn my own wife if necessary." "But a beautiful young lady has just passed by, beautiful like only a bird from paradise can be." "At the end, after Australia you went back to India ..." "l went to New Zealand..." "I worked hard..." "You cut it from the film, but I built a pumpkin shed with my own hands." " l was so proud." " lt was too long..." "You cut it, right?" "When I get down to work." "I guess I could say that I'm now in the East." "This time I'm arriving through the back door, slowly, as to avoid the cultural shock." "These islands, The Moluccas, are the extreme point of the East." "Turkey being the other extreme, the front door." "I arrived peacefully without having to wait forthe boat." "Forget the complications." "I did it the easy way." "I've still got some change and if I can reach India, that's fine." "Ijust want to cross it on foot." "End of story." "Love, Heitor." "Then I got to the Moluccas and was arrested." "Again?" "Airforce." "When I arrived at the prison it was a house with a sergeant serving me, in full uniform, giving me food." "He thought I was some American spy, someone important." "He approached and asked:" ""Do you read Playboy Magazine?"" "I replied:" ""l'd rather have a Koran"" "Then he..." "He smoked those clove cigarettes, one afterthe other using a whale tooth cigarette holder." "One afterthe other, nervously." "Ujung Padang, April, 1978." "I haven't seen a white man for one week and I'm a lot taller then most." "So I decided to go to Bali tomorrow, because this island is frequently visited by Australians, and I would no longer be the centre of attention." "Then I went to Bali, where l had that marvellous Sat Chit Ananda moment." "The blue meanies, I told you." "No you didn't." "Yes I did, and I will not repeat myself." "Please do, I can't rememberthe story." "I got to Bali and there was a great fuss about a Japanese girl who had eaten 8 blue meanies and died." "What is a blue meanie?" "It's the most powerful mushroom in the world." "It's a concentration of..." "I don't know..." "Goodness me, what is the substance called?" "I can't remember..." "what it contains." "It's blue." "Blue Meanie." "Then I asked fortwelve and went to the beach, Everyone was naked... lt didn't hit." "Then I went back the next day..." "They make omelettes." "I asked for an omelette with 24." "When I felt that they were going to hit, I climbed up the highest mountain and stayed there." "Then I experienced the Sat Chit Ananda, the union of all things." "But then night fell, the effect wore off and I returned to ego." "Back to ego." "Sat Chit Ananda, the union of all beings." "Everything is part of a whole." "You move your arm and the moon moves." "Everything is connected." "That's what the gurus are after." "And I thought the drug could take me." "Heitor was hospitalized forthe first time later, after his long journey." "Miguel and I were against the idea." "Until a psychoanalyst, whom I respected, said" "" Do you think I would let a patient jump out of a window or push someone?" "No, I don't."" "This question was left and it would always be there." "A question that is impossible to answer :" "how could we be sure that the moment had arrived?" "Overthe next years, we were forced to decide when that moment arrives." "And we required less evidence every time." "Difficult balance." "Certainty is impossible." "It's a shame we are weak and that we have to ban drugs such as opium, that has incomparable medicinal value." "Most old Chinese ladies use it to relax." "But never mind, I'm not a doctor and as a human, I am easily induced to vice." "I wouldn't like to end up like De Quinsey, using ten grams a day." "Tell fatherthat I understand that he doesn't understand my letters, because I read them myself and I don't understand what I'm trying to say." "Thomas De Quincey, "Memories of an English Opium-eater" ." "I adored that book." "It starts like this:" "He intended to write about a mathematical theory that would revolutionize everything." "It was all in his mind, but he was never able to write it down, only " Memories of an English opium eater" ." "It was the aspirin of the 19th Century." "Have you ever read Sherlock Holmes?" "It was the aspirin of the 19th Century." "Any use of drugs is seen as unnecessary or dangerous by a mother's love that is inflexible and egoistic." "But I don't believe that I am in danger, because I love life." "Opium is nothing more than the return to the mother's womb, the only place where we feel comfortable and warm." "But I don't want to walk backwards." "I want to move forward." "There must be a larger womb that will shelter us all." "This might be a topic that doesn't interest you, but it's part of Penang." "It's like going to Rome and not seeing the Pope." "Happy mothers day, even to all fathers." "In Penang, which had Chinese settlers, I frequently visited the opium den." "I loved the opium den." "Why?" " Because of the Chinese man." "He was about 90 or 100 years old." "He was pure bone." "And he had this pipe." "It was a coconut with a 2-meter bamboo stick." "He would lie down like this." "And do this..." "And the bamboo stopped here." "He would place the opium in the coconut and eat the rest, the left-over, the nicotine, whatever." "He would eat it." "He would eat nothing else." "Bangkok." "I met two Brazilians after one year without speaking Portuguese." "Portuguese sounded good, well spoken by Lage and Lui, both from back at school and brilliant " young poets" ." "It's great to be called by your surname." "I had forgotten the joys of old friends." "And friendship, my friend, where is it?" "Back in the old days also." "I have to travel alone." "" One who travels alone, travels fast" ." "I got a 3 months visa for India, extensible for more 3 months." "The minimum amount of time I want to spend." "Afterthat I don't know and I hate who knows." "I would like to say that I took a lot of hallucinogens, but never had an hallucination." "lt's that old story..." "lt depends on what you consider a hallucination... I don't know if I'm a butterfly dreaming that I'm a man." "If I'm a man dreaming that I'm a butterfly." "I don't know." "When Miguel can use science to help of his brother, he always does." "That is how he -we - tried to avoid hospitalization." "After mother died we took care of ouryounger brother." "Heitor's first crisis while he was under our responsibility scared me." "It's strange that Miguel was never afraid." "When we arrived, after being called by the neighbours, or even by the police in serious situations, I would say:" "don't go in, he might do something, he's out of control." "Miguel entered and said:" ""How are you, big boy?"" "He neverthrew the knife or any other object that he was holding, although he knew that after Miguel would come nurses and hospitalization, that none of us wanted." "Sat on a wooden bench, ready to sleep my last Birmanese night." "Tomorrow I'll be in India, God permitting." "I'd rather not think about it because my hopes have been so high that I'm afraid of being disappointed." "My dream of spending at least one year in the Indian sub-continent." "But if it's only for one night I will be happy, because I will be ending my circumnavigation of 8 years of struggle." "Then I reached Calcutta and the first thing I did was buy a brocade for mother." "In the shop I was given two beers." "And I thought they didn't drink." "I got all happy." "I pointed at a red and black brocade as mother was a Flamengo fan." "He opened it, it was 3 meters long." "Then I said:" "that's the one I want." "I got it all wrapped up for mummy, I sent it and it arrived." "She wore it at a wedding." "Then I made cushions out of the dress." "I left Calcutta, barefoot, wearing a thong and holding your little bag." "I carried on until I reached a little village, a French colony." "I can't rememberthe name." "Then the priest, an Indian who spoke fluent French, said: you will not succeed." "Many mosquitoes." "Then I got malaria, yellow fever, the lot." "Then he put me in a train to Benares." "I got there suffering from a very high fever." "It's dirty, cows have to defecate." "And not only cows, but goats, monkeys, mongooses." "All mixed up with an indescribable mix of people." "Believe me, mother." "It is a madhouse." "There was a time in the 60s when madness had its charm, like a synonym for liberty." "I always thought that to go mad after being tortured was more dignified." "Anti-psychiatry was part of this world, our understanding of anti-psychiatry." "We wanted the cure of the diseases without authoritarian interventions." "Now I will get lost in the hermetic book by Dr. Laing about anti-psychiatry." "Dr. Laing ended up in Ceylon meditating 17 hours a day." "And I ask myself how I will end up." "I've been sitting here for two days writing letters." "I leave the room to eat and then rush back." "I started writing this letterto my mother, but after starting it, I remembered that I had already written herthis morning." "So I decided to write anyway, because these are the last two pages in this pad." "I have had it with me for about two months and I've used it as a pillow." "I've still got a lot of walking to do round here." "And when I start feeling at home, I go home." "And could you not stay in Benares?" " No." "No Lucia, contingencies, right?" "I know you have nothing to do with what I take or what I don't take." "I take care of my health the way I learnt and how my frustrations allow." "I nevertried to convince you to turn into a hippy orto settle in some commune." "I sent you those leaflets of the theosophical society simply to show you something I found interesting to learn English." "Orto fold up and use to line the birdcage." "Brazil scares me." "I want to spend at least a year here." "The hospitalizations were many." "Heitor did not want to be medicated." "But years later, in the midst of a very painful hospitalization," "We decided to accept the medication that he best adapted to, with all the side effects that one day we thought we could avoid." "He was never again hospitalized." "And the three of us started living with the side effects." "It probably wasn't the best choice, but it's what we could." "I wanted to meet Swami." "I wanted to stay in India." "Neverto return anywhere." "August, 4th, 1978." "The last bye-bye to Benares, because tomorrow I depart to Delhi to arrange a visa for Nepal where l would like to spend one month." "Then in Nepal l lost my passport..." "And I returned on foot to New Delhi." " From Nepal to Delhi?" "With no passport." " There's a border, right?" "A border where Buddha enlightened himself." "Where the Buddha was born." "He enlightened himself in Bodhgaia." "In December 1978, we received a note from the government, informing us that the Brazilian Embassy in New Delhi had hospitalized Heitor because he had lost control, and that he could only return with a member of the family." "My mother went to collect him." "India frightened her." "The fact that Brazil also has a great number of poor areas did not make any difference." "The social reality did not matter, only the feeling that her son was being stolen by that society." "And if my brother was the only one at the Brazilian Embassy, at the American Embassy, or lost somewhere around it, over 80 youngsters were kept waiting for a western solution." "It had been a long journey for each one of them." "And how did you look for Swami?" "You found him, right?" "During the first trip I did... ln Rishkeshi..." "You find him, you have to." "When the disciple is ready, the masterfinds him." "That is what the tradition says." "I neverfound him." "Well that's it, it's over." "What to do in the face of death otherthan cry uninterruptedly?" "Fragile, lost, we try to remember everything that happened when it was still the three of us." "For Miguel." "I went around the world." "That is why I'm slightly crazy." "I went round the world twice." "That should not be done." "You lose track of time."