"* Love and marriage *" "* Love and marriage *" "* Go together like A horse and carriage *" "* This I tell ya, brother *" "* You can't have one *" "* Without the other *" "* Love and marriage *" "* Love and marriage *" "* It's an institute You can't disparage *" "* Ask the local gentry *" "* And they will say It's elementary *" "* Try, try, try To separate them *" "* It's an illusion *" "* Try, try, try *" "* And you will only come To this conclusion *" "* Love and marriage **" "NARRATOR:" "Last week on Married With Children..." "I saw one of those in college once." "I used to jog behind her for hours." "I ran a marathon once and didn't even know it." "The girls caught the guys ogling, and figured what's good for the gander is good for the goose." "Peggy!" "This is a strip joint!" "Oh, really?" "Gee, I didn't know." "You know, I've passed by dozens of times, but I've never actually been in." "Oh, hi, Mrs. Bundy." "At first, Marcie didn't think she'd like it, but..." "It's always the quiet ones." "Peggy, I've lost my wedding ring down Zorro's pants!" "And now Married With Children continues..." "All right, ladies, let's hear it!" "That was Zorro!" "He's got my ring." "What are going to do?" "Uh... treasure hunt!" "Hold it right there, ladies." "Listen, we've got to get backstage." "We've got to get something out of Zorro's pants." "That old story again, Mrs. Bundy." "But this is an emergency." "Yeah, right." "Look, lady, we used to let women backstage until the big riot." "Now nobody's allowed back there." "We call it "The Bundy rule."" "It's my wedding ring." "I want it back, or I'll see you in court." "I don't think so." "You see, "Troy's is not responsible for valuables lost in any part of a dancer."" "Once again, "The Bundy rule."" "What are we going to do?" "I know!" "I'll write Zorro a note." "That's it!" "He'll read it," "He'll find my ring, bring it over tomorrow," "Steve will answer the door, kill me..." "No, that won't work." "I'll write a note, but I'll give him your phone number and address-- that is, if you don't mind." "Sure, I don't mind, as long as he comes over before what's-his-name gets home from work." "Ooh!" "Oh, thanks, Peggy." "You really are the very best friend I've got." "WOMEN:" "Share!" "Share!" "Share!" "Share!" "Al..." "Wake up, honey." "It's... that time." "Al..." "Aah!" "Oh, good." "You're up." "Are you in the mood, honey?" "Oh, no." "Oh, yes." "But first..." "PEGGY:" "Yee-haw!" "* I've got spurs *" "* That jingle jangle jingle **" "Mom, was there a little earthquake here last night?" "because the walls were shaking and I heard Dad screaming." "Well, he scares easily." "I slept through it." "Must have been a short one." "Several short ones." "Are you ready for Grandma's, kids?" "You got your room deodorizers?" "Yes, Mom." "Yes, Mom." "Toilet seat covers?" "Yes, Mom." "Yes, Mom." "Flea and tick spray?" "Yes, Mom." "Yes, Mom." "Well, then you're ready." "[HORN HONKS]" "Oh, there's your taxi." "Please, Mom." "Don't do this!" "Bud, honey, be strong." "I'll see you in a couple of days." "We love you, Mom." "But not today." "Oh, and kids, remember!" "When you say hello," "Grandpa is the one with the hair." "Any sign of Zorro?" "No, but I think I slept with Speedy Gonzalez last night." "Steve is going to go crazy." "My wedding ring's gone forever." "Oh, Marcie, calm down." "Men don't notice things like that." "Not Steven." "He notices everything." "Do you know what we do in bed sometimes?" "Yeah, Bud tells us." "Oh." "Well, anyway," "Steve and I lie in bed, put our ring fingers together." "We stare at our wedding bands, then kiss." "So Bud made that up about Little Bo Peep and the cop?" "Yes, he did." "Oh, what's the difference?" "Steve will never pull me over again!" "How can I tell him I lost my wedding ring?" "It's an irreplaceable symbol of our love everlasting." "Buy a cheap copy." "Yeah!" "* I am woman Wife and mother *" "* I earn money Like no other *" "* I give him back rubs Do his laundry *" "* And have dinner on the table When he's hungry **" "Impossible Dream Pantyhose... for the self-deluded." "[DOORBELL CHIMES]" "How you doing?" "I'm sorry, Kelly's at her grandmother's." "Actually, I'm looking for Marcie Rhoades." "She live here?" "Practically." "Who wants to know?" "I'm Raul." "You know, Zorro." "Yeah, I'm Al." "You know, suspicious." "Al?" "Al Bundy?" "You're married to Big Red, the rich woman with the sharp nails?" "Who are you?" "I'm an exotic dancer at Troy's." "Gee, that's great." "Listen, I'd invite you in, but instead," "I'll just kick the crap out of you." "Oh, then perhaps I'll just deliver my message and run." "Your wife's friend, Mrs. Rhoades, the one we call "The Tentacle,"" "she lost her wedding ring down my pants during the show last night, and I'm just dropping it off to her." "Come in." "Raul, is it?" "Well, actually, it's Wilbur." "But I think I'm too good-looking to be a Wilbur." "Yeah, you betcha." "Listen, exactly what was Marcie doing when she lost her ring down your, uh... underpants, was it?" "Yeah." "She was tipping me." "Could you see to it that she gets this ring?" "As much as you believe you're too good-looking to be a Wilbur, believe she'll get it." "Thanks, Mr. Bundy." "Thank you, Raul." "Oh, by the way, if my wife should happen to lose anything down your pants, so will you." "Hasta luego, Mr. Bundy." "Right back at you." ""To our everlasting love." "Steven."" "[DOORBELL CHIMES]" "Gee, I hope that's Steve." "Hi, Steve." "Hi, Al." "Who's the guy in the black Porsche?" "Santa Claus." "Come on in." "So Steve, how's Marcie doing?" "Is she still mad at you, buddy?" "Oh, I don't know." "She said she forgave me, but I could tell she was still tense." "She just sat there with her hands in her pockets, staring at the floor." "I feel like dirt, Al." "We'll get back to that later." "But first, let me tell you something about women." "Uh-oh." "See, women love us to look at them like slabs of beef." "You think they wear those tight-fitting clothes just so some other broad can say," ""Gee, your hips look succulent"?" "I mean, some do, but they become gym teachers, and I'm talking about women." "I mean, let's face it, Steve, until they get married, they care how they look." "But what else do they have?" "Brains?" "Wit?" "Ech." "Forget it." "The good-looking ones know we're looking." "They love us to be looking, and God bless them, they're carrying the rest of their sex." "Al, I'm an educated man." "Don't you think I know all that?" "It's just that I feel so guilty." "Every time I look at Marcie's face, all I can see is that girl's hiney." "It's wrong, Al." "I feel unworthy of someone like Marcie." "Yeah." "She is a special person." "By the way, here's her wedding ring that she lost down some guy's jock at a strip club last night." "Anyway, how do you like those Bears this year?" "Oh, wait a second, Al." "What's this about" "Marcie losing her wedding ring?" "Oh, yeah, yeah, here." "Yeah, I got it from the guy whose underpants they were wedged in, but I wouldn't worry about it, Steve." "He's just some stripper named Zorro, and I'm sure it was nothing-- you know, no affair that was important or anything like that." "In fact, knowing Marcie as I do, she probably lost it with dignity because as we all know, we're dirt and she's evolved." "I can't believe it." "My wife's wedding ring." "Steve, if I thought you were going to be upset," "I never would've told you." "What I'm giving you there is a present." "See, that's more than a wedding ring." "What you have there is what I like to call a get-out-of-jail free card." "See, you can hold it, save it, use it for anything." "She's got all this, and she goes to a strip joint?" "Hey, you could've knocked me over with a feather." "But getting back to something more important-- how do we make her pay?" "I got it." "The next time she holds one of those women's group meetings over at her house, you stroll in, you say," ""Hey, eight women in the house and I got dirty dishes?"" "Let them get mad, pat the ring in your pocket, make the mark of the "Z."" "Al, I am going to have a Stepford wife." "Attaboy!" "Do me one favor." "When you strip away every ounce of humanity, every shred of pride she has, just when she's bending down to kiss your feet, tell her you got the ring... from Al Bundy." "Hey, I've done a good thing." "I deserve a reward." "And now, ladies, the shoe salesman!" "[GARGLING]" "Hi, honey." "I was just going to tuck you in." "Well, go ahead." "I don't feel like it anymore." "Sit down, sweetie puss." "Honey..." "What's Troy's?" "Uh, well, uh..." "You know, it's this place where I go with the girls, and we sit and swap recipes and talk about the kids." "And put dollar bills down guys' underpants." "Well, that too." "I'm going to turn in." "It's a funny thing, Peg, but the other day," "I went to pay the repairman, and when I looked for my money-- darned if every cent wasn't gone." "Oh, those kids!" "All right, Peg." "Just how much of my money has found its way into the crotches of dancing, oily men?" "How would I know, Al?" "I don't count it, I just shove it in." "Well, that's that, then." "Oh, uh, Big Red... you know, I've been thinking." "Remember about a month ago, one night you came back from swapping recipes... strangely, how could I say, horny as a toad." "That day I gave you some money to have the brakes on my car fixed." "Do I have any brakes on my car, Peg?" "No, Al." "And remember you told me that the kids needed money for a school project?" "We don't really sponsor a Korean family, do we, Peg?" "No, Al." "And Kelly's contact lenses?" "Uh..." "So the big frost didn't really drive up the price of Tang?" "But we still do have the Bundy funeral plot?" "Um..." "Well, how about the kids, Peg?" "Did they really go to your mother's house, or do they belong to Arabs now?" "That really hurts, Al." "I can't believe you don't trust me." "Okay, Peg." "From now on, I want your shopping receipts notarized." "From now on, I check eyes, teeth, vet bills, school books." "Oh, and you know our joint checking account?" "I want to know what bank it's in." "Well, in my defense, Al, these are superb men." "Don't push it, Peg." "Now, I'm going to bed." "I don't want you ever going to Troy'sagain." "From now on, you and Troy'sare history." "Good night, Al." "Al" "No!" "* Da da da Da da dum *" "* Da da ta ta *" "* Dum dum dum *" "* Dum dum dum *" "* Dum **" "Al, your breakfast is almost ready." "Hey, is everybody happy?" "Oh, yes, yes, yes!" "Oh, God, yes!" "What a dad!" "I don't want you thinking about Troy's,either." "Yes, dear." "No, Marcie," "I don't think the floor is clean enough." "Wash it again..." "with your hair." "MARCIE:" "Steve, I'm home." "Hi." "Hi." "Where have you been?" "Out shopping with Peg." "Gee, that's the second night in a row you've been out with Peggy." "Oh, well, I guess you're a good example for her." "Hmm?" "Oh, well, I try to be." "You know, Steve, I think" "I've been too hard on you these past two days." "Oh?" "Yes." "I mean, there's nothing wrong with looking at another human being and appreciating their form." "Oh?" "Yes." "I mean, I was wrong to yell at you for looking at that girl." "So you forgive me?" "That's big of you." "Oh, Steven... you're the most wonderful husband in the world." "I'm the one who should apologize to you." "There's nothing wrong with a little physical attraction." "After all, that's what first attracted me to you." "Well, I guess I am sort of the whole ball of wax." "I remember the first time I saw you, running that marathon." "Your arms were tense, your chest was heaving." "there were tears in your eyes, but still you tried to catch that woman in the lead." "I love you, Steve." "Do you forgive me?" "Of course I do." "Oh!" "Um..." "this came for you." "Somebody dropped it off at Al's." "What is it?" "I don't know." "It was for you." "MARCIE:" "All right!" "[TOILET FLUSHES]" "So what was it?" "Oh... coupons." "From Peg." "So I tore them up in little bits and flushed them down the toilet." "I love you, Steve." "I love you, Marcie." "So you lost your ring down Zorro's pants, huh?"