"Mom, turn off Oprah for a second." "I need to talk to you." "Mom." " Girlfriend." " In the house." "You're not Oprah." "Mom, I had a horrible day." "I could really use some motherly advice now." "Shut up, Bud." "Oprah is doing a show on mothers who don't pay attention to their sons." "Next, a word from Earth Pads the only feminine-hygiene product recycled from yesterday's garbage." " Now can we talk, Mom?" " Oh, okay." "But make it quick." "When Oprah comes back on, I wanna be rested." "I was working at the Department of Vehicle Services." "I noticed this long line for new licenses." "When I opened up a second window, my supervisor comes up and says:" ""Son, I see you're a real go-getter." "We hate that here." "You're fired."" "I need your help getting a new job." "Oh, look, Stouffer's has a new Apple Brown Betty." "I can't expect you to pay any attention to me since I don't have an antenna coming out of my ass." "Peg, I need to talk to you." "Peg." " Girlfriend." " In the house." "Like you'd be anywhere else." "Hey." "What'd you do?" "What is that thing?" "It's a remote-control override, Peg." "They're on sale at the Real Man Shop." "Well, while you were there, why didn't you pick up a real man?" "Don't push it, Peg." "It also overrides all your other hand-held electronic devices." "Even Otis?" "Especially Otis." "Now, listen, Peg, the store next to me at the mall has gone out of business and Gary wants to rent the empty space." "Al, is this gonna take long?" "You know how I hate it when the TV set cools." "Now you know how I feel during sex." "Anyway, Peg, Gary's having a contest for the best new-store idea." "It's open to all the employees." "That's me and Griff." "But if I can just think of an idea, there's a cool $10 in it for me." "Al, I happen to have an incredible idea for a store." "Peg, this isn't gonna be really, really stupid, is it?" "No, it's not." "It's an all-Oprah store." "I call it the Grand Old Oprah." "You know, we'll sell Oprah T-shirts, Oprah corn holders Oprah minivan covers and, Al, my very favorite, Oprah Soap on a "Roprah."" "Gee, and I thought it was gonna be stupid." "Well I'm back from aerobics class." "Although, you know, I didn't really feel the burn until the bus ride home." "Almost every man on the bus offered me his seat although nobody was willing to stand up to let me have it." "Oh, and then this delightful turban-clad chap" "We'll just call him Man of a Thousand Boils." "asked me if I wanted to rub his magic lamp and see a genie come out." "There was no genie." "God, I wish that there was an aerobics studio near here." "Pumpkin, would you be quiet?" "I'm trying to think of an idea for a business near here." "All of my beautiful friends wish that there was just a good gym in the area." "Something in the area that caters to beautiful women." "I mean, let's face it, there is no good place for an aerobics studio." "Let's face it I'm not gonna be able to think of an idea for a business." "Nobody around here has been eating lead-paint chips." "Al, you should've been here two hours ago." " Why?" "What happened?" " We opened." "While you were wasting your time opening I came up with a ripsnorting idea for Gary's new-store contest." "What would be better right next door than an aerobics studio?" " A topless aerobics studio?" " No, no." "Don't be a pig, Griff." "This is serious." "We can finally get rid of this façade of working and sit around all day looking at beautiful girls in spandex doing lunges." " With a honk, honk here" " And a honk, honk there" " Here a honk" " There a honk" " Everywhere a honk, honk" " Everywhere a honk, honk" "Come on, Al." "You know Gary won't go for that." "Whenever you make a suggestion, she does exactly the opposite." "I hear you, I hear you." "So when I bring this up to her, I gotta be very clever." "Bundy." "What's your big idea for the new store?" "I'm in a hurry and I'm bloating like a bandit." "Now, I'm only going to say this once." "Anything but an aerobics studio." "You called me down here to suggest anything but an aerobics studio?" "Indeedy do." "What do you say?" "I'd say "You're fired" if I weren't sure you'd make more on unemployment." "Look, Gary, I have an idea and I think it's exactly what you're looking for." "Here it is: anything but Al's idea." "So you're saying an aerobics studio?" " Indeedy do." " I love it." "Congratulations, you won the prize." "Here's $10." "Hey, don't I get anything?" "Yeah, here's $5." "Go get me some Earth Pads." " There you go." " Oh, nice, nice." " Gentlemen, I'd like to propose a toast." " Hear, hear." "In the course of human history, there have been four great inventions:" " The bikini." " Yes." "The thong bikini." "The really itchy thong bikini." "And Al's idea to put an aerobics studio next to the shoe store." " Hear, hear." " Speech." "Speech." " Speech." " Speech." "If I have seen far it's because I have stood on the shoulders of giants." "Einstein, Magellan, Heineken." "It is my goal to uplift the human spirit." "Gentlemen, to your holes." "Oh, man, we're gonna see some jiggling!" "Oh, my God, I'm blind." "They're all fat." "Have they no shame?" "Well, Al, this was your idea." "Now what do we do?" "Well, we'll just patch up the holes." "Oh, man." "Move it, big mama." " Baby's got backs." " Hey." "Hey." "Hey." "Get over there." "Now, like I was saying, if you can't see them how much trouble can fat women be?" "Okay, girls, do the Dumbo drop." "I don't understand it." "I was a size 6 before aerobics class." "All that jumping must've expanded my foot." "Then I see you must've fallen on your butt a time or two." "How dare you say that to my face?" "Well, I'd say it behind your back, but my car's only got half a tank of gas." " What'd I say?" " Maybe it was more your tone of voice." "Well, who wouldn't be grumpy?" "The aerobics studio is the worst thing that could've happened to us." "That was my last Sweet Tart." "Cough it up!" "No, that's the worst thing that could've happened to us." " Hi, Al." " No." "That's the worst thing that could've happened to us." "Jefferson told me that it was your idea to put in a metabolically challenged aerobics studio next door." " I am so proud of you." " Here it comes." "So to help you out I have made up these fliers advertising Gary's Aerobics Studio and I've given them to all of my full-figured banking customers." "You know, they're gonna get really hot and sweaty and they're gonna come in here to buy aerobics shoes." "And remember, shoe man women that large have a really tough time finding underwear." "Marcie, why are you doing this to us?" "Because I don't like either of you." "Oh, look, there's two of my gals now." "Hi, Rebecca, Arlene." "You look fabulous." "Thanks for your tips about the aerobics classes." "Yeah, I mean, I really think I'm starting to tone." "Me too." "Corn dog?" "Didn't they tell us not to eat before class?" "That was during class." "Well, all right, then." "Well, I'm off." "I've got to leave these fliers in der Wienerschnitzels and finer girdle shops all over town." "Not the StairMaster, Bertha." "Anything but the StairMaster." "Well, guess what I'm doing for money now." "Playing the very young Mr. Lincoln?" "No." "But then at least I could look forward to being shot in the head." "No, what you're looking at is an apprentice chimney sweep." "I'm a regular one, but they call me an apprentice so they don't have to pay my health benefits." "Oh, Dad, this is the worst job I've ever had." "Can you please help me?" "Well, like my father used to say when I came to him with my problems" ""Get out"?" "No, actually, it was, "I'm leaving you and your mom for this hooker."" "But now that you mention it" "Al, guess what's under the sheets." "Peg, if I don't like that game in bed, why would I like it under the lights?" "No, speedy." "It's a scale model of Oprah Land." "See?" "The tongue is a moving sidewalk which carries people into her mouth." "Like so many unsuspecting McNuggets." "Now, once inside her climate-controlled head a moving Barcalounger whisks you past animatronic Oprahs in all her different weights." "I call it "It's a Big World After All."" "Then, after a light lunch of waffles and gravy you disembark, tell a studio audience your innermost secrets and snarf down a whole fried chicken." "Amazing." "All this detail, yet when I ask you for a sandwich you can't figure out bread, meat, bread." "Big talk from someone who's yet to get lift, pee, flush." "You leave that head here, I'll show you lift, pee, flush." "Well, ready for my bus ride to aerobics class." "This here is my pinch-proof padding." "Oh, pumpkin." "Honey, I've gotta ask you some" "With a high-voltage anti-fondling device." " Turn it off." " What?" "Turn it off." "I can't understand you, Daddy." "I'm gonna have to turn this thing off." "Well, serves me right for touching a family member." "Pumpkin, why do so many beautiful women travel so far to go to your aerobics studio?" "Two words:" "Ramon." "He is a prince." "He's actually more than a prince." "He's an aerobics teacher formerly known as prince." "Come with me." "I'm gonna drive over there." "I wanna see if Ramon will change affiliations." "I think he's kind of happy with women, Daddy." "Well, that makes one of us." "God, look at all this mondo talent and all these micro bikinis." "All I ask is for just one seam to burst." " Hey, Ramon." " Hey, Kelly." "Who's your daddy?" "Oh, this isn't my daddy, this is my father." "Daddy, meet Ramon." "Kelly, why don't you warm up the class?" "Should we stretch or run in place?" "No, just show them one of those big posters of me in Speedos." "Oh, okay." "Your daughter is making remarkable progress." "Tell her mother." "I'm here for something important." "I just can't remember what it is." " Fat-free muffin?" " You certainly are." " Here you go." " Thank you." " That was delicious." " Sure." "Ramon, if it wouldn't be too much trouble could we talk in private?" "There's this state-of-the-art aerobics studio and we'd be very, very happy if you would teach there." "Actually, I'm very comfortable here." "What do you have that could possibly lure me away?" "I'm offering a free membership to NO MA'AM Chicago's most exclusive men's club." "With the membership comes-- Hold on to your green card." "luxury boxes at WrestleMania free use of a classic Dodge, when it's working and a key to the Big 'Uns reading room in my garage when we get the bowl unclogged." "Well, Mr. Bundy, as tempting as your offer sounds..." "Yeah, you've said a mouthful." "Well, I'll be going." "Don't bother to get the elevator." "I'll just jump out the window." "Don't land on the Porsche." "What does he got that I don't have?" "We're both virile men in the prime of our lives." "Except he's not saddled with a lazy wife worthless kids, a prostate like a melon and worst of all, I sell women's shoes." "Shoes?" "You sell shoes?" " Yeah, right next to an aerobics studio." " Did you hear that, Ramon?" "He sells shoes." "There's not a shoe store within miles of here." "Yeah, you never buy us shoes." "Do I not leave the curtain open when I change?" "That's not shoes." "We want shoes." "We wanna work out next to the shoe guy." "Formerly known as Al." "Oh, and by the way, I was just joshing about that melon thing." " We're getting shoes." " Shoes." "Shoes." "Okay." "Okay, Bundy, you got me." "You shoe salesmen, you're so lucky." "You get all the women." "Luck has nothing to do with it, Ramon." "You see, since the dawn of time women and shoes have gone together like alcohol and firearms." "Oh, sure, we men of the foot might have a slight PR problem but once you've tried shoe, you never go back." "Who loves you, baby?" "Whoa, wait a minute, now." "Gentlemen, would you prefer a front or rear view?" "What do you recommend?" "Well, the rear view is fresh tonight but the locals swear by the front, so..." "Two fronts, please." "Front it is." " Hey, great work, Griff." " Thank you." " The place looks swank." " Yeah, but we're not finished." "Next week, we put in zoom peepholes and chin rests." " Yes." " Now you're talking." "Gentlemen, to your holes." " Oh, man." " Coming through." "Oh, man, Al, are you checking out that one in red?" "Actually, no." "Could someone roll me to a hole?" "Oh, sure, buddy." "Oh, this is much better."