" Good morning, Chief Fromm." " Good morning." " Halik." " Yes, sir?" "I thought it over." "I'm gonna recommend you for that promotion." "Yes, sir." "That's very good news, sir." "Your record's unblemished." "You deserve it, Halik." "Yes, sir." "Now if you excuse me, sir," "I have to make my daily quota of citations, sir." "Of course." " See you around, Halik." " Have a good day, sir." "What a tight ass." " What did the Chief say?" " Hmm." " I got my promotion." " Good." "By the way," "I got my period." "♪ Whoo!" "♪" "♪ Whoo-hoo!" "♪" " ♪ I feel good ♪ - ♪ Whoa-oa-oa ♪" "♪ I feel good... ♪" " Ah-hoo!" " ♪ I feel good ♪" "♪ I feel, I feel ♪" " ♪ I feel good ♪ - ♪ Whoa-oa-oa ♪" "♪ I feel, I feel good ♪" " ♪ I feel good ♪ - ♪ I feel good ♪" " ♪ Knew that I would ♪ - ♪ I knew that I would, now ♪" "♪ I feel good!" "♪" " ♪ Like sugar and spice ♪ - ♪ I knew that I would ♪" " ♪ So good, so good ♪ - ♪ So good, so good ♪" " ♪ I have you ♪ - ♪ I have you ♪" "♪ I feel good ♪" "♪ I feel, I feel ♪" "♪ I feel good, ha-ha ♪" "♪ I feel nice ♪" " ♪ Sugar and spice ♪ - ♪ Like sugar and spice ♪" "♪ I feel nice..." "sugar and spice ♪" "♪ So good, so good, I got you ♪" "♪ I feel good ♪" "♪ I feel good, good ♪" "♪ When I hold you in my arms ♪" "♪ You know you can't do me no wrong ♪" "♪ When I hold you in my arms ♪" " ♪ Your love can't do me no harm ♪" "♪ So nice, sugar and spice ♪" "♪ I feel nice ♪" "♪ Like sugar and spice ♪" "♪ Feel good ♪" "♪ I feel good, good ♪" "♪ I feel so good, I feel, I feel ♪" "♪ I feel good ♪" "♪ Whoo!" "♪" "♪ I feel so good. ♪" "Oh, great." " Problem, officer?" " You littered back there." " I did?" " Mm-hmm." "Oh, you mean that apple?" "I can explain that." "I was driving along and hit this bump in the road." " The apple bounced out of my hand." " Never mind the song and dance." "Your driver's license and registration, please." "Now wait a minute, I hit this bump on the road, the apple bounced." "It was right in my hand." "It bounced right out the door." "Your driver's license and registration, please." "You got it." "Let's see..." "here we go." " What is this?" " Oh, that's my communist party membership card." "I just joined for the softball league." "Only team in the league with cheerleaders." "Big fun." "Here we go." " Is this you?" " Oh, yeah." "I photograph a whole lot better than I look." "Hmm." "Hmm." "Wait a minute, you're really serious?" " You're really gonna give me a ticket?" " I certainly am." " For an apple." " From the looks of this vehicle," "I'm gonna write you several tickets." "Several tickets?" "Look, why don't we just make this easy?" "Why don't you just pistol-whip me, okay?" "If you don't keep your mouth shut, we're gonna deliver you" " right down to the station-house." " Fine." "Anything you say, sir." "I'm not a sir, I'm a ma'am." "Really?" "Well, one of you should wear a ponytail 'cause this could get really confusing." "Come on, I don't go sniffing around your things, do I?" " What is this powder?" " Fertilizer." " Shit!" " Exactly." "You're in big trouble now, mister." "Big trouble." "Oh, I can't believe I'm taking up bowling." "I've never done any kind of sport in my life." "I'm sure you'll enjoy it, ma'am." "Here's my car." "My doctor says I need exercise, but I'm sick." ""I got a bad heart," I says to him." "Let me get this trunk for you." "Oh, I don't know how I'm gonna get these balls out of here." "So anyways, he thinks I'm a hypochondriac." "Yeah, how can I be a hypochondriac when I'm sick all the time?" "If I die while bowling, it's his fault." "Oh my god, I'm three minutes late for my pills!" "Oh god!" "Am I dead?" "I'm dead!" "One cantaloupe... $97.00" "Jamie, come sit on grandpa's lap." "I think I broke it." " This is all I need." " Yes, ma'am." "My fine friend, it certainly is a fine day, is it not?" "A fine day in our fine kingdom." "Now it is finally time for you to die!" " Aha-ha-ha!" " Oh, no." "Well, try this on for size, Duke." "En garde!" " You are evil." " You must be smitten." "Die, you Norman Pig!" "You Saxon Dog!" " Help!" " Oh, no!" "Hey, hey." "Hey, what the hell are you kids doing?" "Stop shaking this thing." "What are you doing?" "Hey, stop that!" "Help, somebody stop this thing!" "I can't stop this thing!" "Oh my god, oh my god!" "Help!" "Oh my... help!" "Help!" " Was that the number 12?" " Naw, just a puppet stage." "And Joey never hurt nobody." "Help!" "Somebody stop this thing!" "He was respected by his fellow man." "Help!" " Take it." " Here we go." "Let's get outta here." "The white zone is for loading and unloading of passengers only." " No parking." " Where's the bag?" "!" " Right here, ma'am." " That's good." "Flight 502 now loading at gate five." "Oh, over there." "Loretta." "Yoo-hoo, Loretta!" "Yoo-hoo, Loretta." " Over here, dear." " Emma Jean, welcome home." "Oh, you look wonderful." "Love your tan!" "Yes!" "Over here." "He's a black guy." "Oh!" "Why, of course." "Of course." "Well, just put the bags in the back seat, please." "Oh, I'm so glad you're home, Emma." " He's a black guy, you know?" " I know, but I came to take you home." " Let me drive." " You're as blind as a bat." "Just don't worry about it, okay?" "Just get in the car, honey." "The white zone is for loading and unloading of passengers only." "No parking." "Flight 106 now departing at gate seven, immediate departure." "Last call for flight 106, now leaving at gate seven." "Oh, well, dear, I'm glad to see you too." "Yes, thank you, dear." "Oh, well, you've had your hair done." " You look lovely." " Loretta!" "Loretta!" "The white zone is for loading and unloading of passengers only." "No parking." "My dear, are you ready?" " Yeah." " We'll get you home in no time." "Oh, I bet you will." "And remember Mr. Parkins?" "The man at the butcher's shop?" "He was cutting a slice of chuck steak or something," " and he cut part of his finger off." " Oh, that's awful." "Oh, and the girls came over last Tuesday for bridge." " I won 15 bucks!" " Wow." " Damn buses, always in the way!" "I hate driving in this airport..." "too much traffic." "Here we go." "Come on, buddy," "Let's move it." "So that bingo game, I'm telling you!" "It was a wonder..." "Oh, shit!" " Hey, Ernie, how is it going?" " Pretty good." "Hank?" "Well, look who's here." "Mr. Cannon." "Wow, isn't this incredible?" "Some higher power must really want the three of us to be together." "You got a car too." "Why is that?" "You don't park any better than you drive, do you?" " What are you talking about?" " This car is parked in front of a hydrant." "Well, I can see that." " Now I want you to move this car." " Why?" "Because you're breaking the law." "No, I'm not." "Deputy Morris," "I think this car is loaded with violations, don't you?" "Yeah." "Like this... broken taillight." "Deputy Morris, what about that malfunctioning headlight?" "How do you like that?" "You guys are nutty." "I've had it with you, punk." "Gee, I just don't understand it." "I always loved you guys on "Chips."" "What do you think you're doing, Halik?" "On their behalf, sir, may I say that this car was evil?" " Possessed of Satan, it had to be dest..." " Shut up!" "Well, sir, you see," "I asked him to move his car..." "It's not his car, Halik." "It's not?" "It's mine!" "Yours?" "!" "I'll see the both of you first thing in the morning in my office." "Uh-oh." "Sounds like trouble, kids." "Don't worry." "Don't let it get you down." "Life goes on." "You guys will bounce back, I can feel it." "You're that kind of people." "Listen, I'll be seeing you kids around." "Because you are all repeat offenders, having received many, many violations before, your licenses will be held here by the clerk in suspension, and your cars are to be kept in the county impound facility." "Your honor, are you saying you're taking away our licenses and keeping our cars?" "That's exactly what I'm saying." " Whoa!" " Jesus." " Question, your viciousness." " Excuse me?" "You're excused." "Um, how do we get our cars back?" "That's very simple." "You are all sentenced to traffic school." "After completing the course, which will meet five nights over a one-week period, you will receive a certificate of competency and your vehicles and licenses will be returned." "I hit a casket with a puppet stage." "What am I doing here?" "That I would like you to explain, your holiness." "Quiet!" "If I may, I'd like to approach the bench?" " Oh, you would, would you, mister...?" " Cannon." "But you can call me Butch." "First, may I say that black is a terrific color for you, really?" "Also, may I cite the case of Abbot versus Costello?" " The United States versus..." " Shut up, Mr. Cannon." "Now, for all of you, this traffic school is your last chance to retain your driving privileges." "Your license will be revoked." "If you cannot drive after 30 days, all vehicles held in the county impound yard will be subject to sale at auction with all proceeds from said sale going to the county." "Court dismissed." " I couldn't hear a thing." " What happened?" "I can't believe they're gonna sell our cars." " How can they do this?" " When you've got balls, anything is possible." "You were very good in there..." ""Abbot versus Costello."" "You obviously have some formal legal training." "Yeah, well, I've been arrested in several states, so I guess I know what I'm talking about." " I'm Dana Cannon." " Amy Hopkins." "Well, I'll see you in class." "Whoa, is she sexy!" "Yeah, but what are looks?" " I mean, she's no rocket scientist." " I forgot my glasses." "No, no, you got 'em on." "Oh." "Oh my god." "Thanks." " Well, bye again." " Um, listen," "I'm gonna be taking a cab to the class, so maybe I could pick you up or something?" "Oh no, that's all right." "I'll get somebody from work to drop me off." " Oh, where do you work?" " NASA." "I'm a rocket scientist." "Bye." "Hi." "Hi." "Did you see "Friday the 13th"?" "No." "No, I didn't." "What about the 13th 2, 3 or 4?" " What about 5?" " Missed them all." "It's too bad." "They were great." "A lot of bloody gory stuff." "Hey, uh, did you like it more when... when Clint Eastwood got stuck holding the severed arm in "Tightrope"" "or when they cut those guys' arms off in "Scarf ace"?" "Hmm, well, let's see..." "Oh, there's my bus, gotta go." "Nice talking to you." "All right, people, settle down." "Quiet." "Find your seats, please." "Thank you." "Cut the chatter." "You too, Red." "Sit down." "I've got all your albums, man." "You're the greatest." "Good to have you on board." "Hi, how are you?" "Good." "Find your seats, please." "Come on." "Okay." "I'll be your instructor for this evening." "Please rise." "Come on... up, up, up, up, everybody." "Come on, come on, don't be afraid." "This is gonna be fun." "You in the back, what, do you want a special invitation?" " You talking to me?" " Yes, you too." "Uppity-up-up-up." "Relax." "Enjoy." "Thank you." "This is gonna be fun." "You're gonna like this!" "Come on!" "All right, everybody ready?" "And..." "breathe in." " Blow out." " Breathe in." "Blow out." "Very good." "Shake it out." "Settle down, shake it out, sit down." "Thank you, thank you." "Now if all the ladies would be so kind as to take off all their clothes," " we could get this class underway." " Sit down, Mr. Cannon." "Could it be?" "Oh, no." "It is!" "Reunited at last!" "♪ 'Cause it feels so good. ♪" " Sit down." " Aren't you guys like, in the wrong room?" "Shouldn't you be next door at the pro acid rain rally?" "Mr. Cannon, we're your traffic school instructors." " Is this an interesting surprise or what?" " Sit down, before I mold your face into an ashtray." "See?" "All you had to do was ask nicely." "This will not be tolerated in this classroom." "I demand strict discipline." "I just love it when he gets angry like this, don't you?" "I thought so." "What are these?" "I'm a single parent." "By day, they're in school;" "At night, there's no one to take care of them." "All right, just keep them quiet." "Now then, we will study the following in here..." "Traffic..." "Laws." "You will know them letter perfect." "You will be tested daily on them." "You will know everything there is to know about a car... inside and out." "You will know the rules of the road..." "Driver courtesy..." "Will there be any like, handy cooking tips, like, what to do with those darn holiday leftovers?" "Hank, Hank." "No." "Open your driving manuals to page one." "What is the maximum legal speed limit in this state?" "This is a 15-minute break." "Hey, man, I thought this class was supposed to be easy." "Well, it was, before Adolph and Eva took over." "This is a 15-minute break," " not one second more." " Yes, sir." "I'll tell ya, that sounds like it could be your transmission or your fuel pump, but we do a complete diagnostic checkup of your car." " "The Clinic."" " Yes." " I'll bring my Limo over." " Ask for me." "Everyone calls me Doc." "Stop by The Clinic anytime." "Excuse me, you have a clinic?" "Not just a clinic, The Clinic." "We do the finest diagnostic checkups in town." " Doc Williams at your service." " I would love" " to talk to you about this problem I'm having." " Hmm." "That's what I'm here for." "What seems to be the problem?" "No matter what I do, I just can't get going in the morning." " That could be your valves." " Really?" " Have you had your pump checked lately?" " By a specialist." "I should probably take another look at it because when that goes, you die right on the spot." " Oh god, I know." " Hmm." "Do you ever overheat and stall going up steep hills?" "I don't believe so." "You should probably have a major overhaul, check everything inside and out." " Do you leak much?" " Several times a day." "Hmm, that's no good, is it?" "Every place you go, you leave those unsightly puddles." "Gets so your neighbors cringe when they see you pulling up their driveway." " What about your rear end?" " What about it?" " Does your rear end make noise?" "That's a bit personal, isn't it?" "I'll tell you what, I am up to here in my work but what I will do..." "I'll lube it up." "I'll get inside there and root around and find out what the problem is." "I have the best tool in town." "Trust me, I'll do a thorough job." " Mm-hmm." " Meanwhile, here's what I'd like you to do... about an hour before you get going in the morning, drain out your water, flush it out of there completely, take in a lot of oil, then grease up that back end," "get out on the highway and go as fast as you can for 9 or 10 miles." " Really?" " Yes." "No... no one has ever said this to me before." "As I say, I am a professional." "I can lick any rear end problem you can bring me." "In fact, I do a lot of celebrities too." "Just last week, I reamed out Roger Moore." "He was totally satisfied." "As a matter of fact, he's coming back next weekend for a complete rear end job." "Oh." "Break's over." "Come on, let's move it, people." "Tonight." "You wanna pass those tests, get in there and do some work." "Let's go." "Why don't we go someplace and talk?" "Um, yeah, I've been thinking about it." " It's probably a good idea." " Yeah." "Hey, look, I think we got off on the wrong foot, and I'm sorry." "Why don't we shake hands and we'll wipe the slate clean?" "Now, look, mister..." "I'll be straight with you." "I hate your ass." " Oh, come on, this has gone too far." " Shut up." "I'm teaching this shithead class because you got me demoted." "That's right, you screwed up my promotion..." "My career." "And now I'm gonna screw things up for you." " Sounds fair." " You just watch yourself." "I'll crush you." "Okay, but just as long as we can still be friends, okay?" " Mrs. Houk?" " What's a man doing in the ladies' room?" " This is the men's room." " Oh." "Why is my back all wet?" "Before you go home tonight, we're going to take a look at a little film on traffic safety entitled" ""Blood Flows Red on the Highway."" " All right!" " Deputy Morris." "Every day millions of kids happily go to school." "They look forward to another day of learning with their friends." "Unfortunately, some of these kids will never make it to their classrooms." "A thoughtless motorist who stopped for a couple of quick drinks for the road will cause a senseless tragedy." "A tragedy that could have been avoided had he used some common sense." "But it's too late for that now." "Traffic fatalities are increasing everywhere." "And that's why blood flows red on the highway." "Here we see another accident." "Two trucks collide with a Toyota." "Their passengers thrown from the car..." "My dad's coming back on Saturday," " and I gotta pick him up in his car." " So what?" ""So what?" I don't have it." "It's impounded." "A brand new Mercedes." "My dad's gonna kill me." "He's gonna open everything that's closed" " and close everything that's open." " Don't worry so much." "Listen, we'll go down to the video store and we'll rent "Texas Chainsaw Massacre."" "That will relax you." "Come on." "Hi." "Hi." "Oh, uh..." "Bless you." "Oh, sorry." "Uh..." "This is Jo-Jo." "I'm a puppeteer." "Oh, I have to go." "That's my sister." "She's a sister." " Oh, there's my bus." "I gotta go." " Nonsense." "Tonight we're traveling in style." "Taxi!" "You heard her." " Taxi!" " Taxi right here." "Ho, yeah." "Step to the rear, please." "Thank you." " Thank you." " Driver, take us to the nearest nuclear power plant." "My pants are full of uranium." "Not bad." "After I got my doctorate in physics," "I worked as a strolling violinist in a Hungarian restaurant for a while." " Oh, come on." " No, I really did." "There's a lot of people with advanced degrees that can't get jobs in their field." "Well, at least you found your field." " Mm-hmm." "Myself, I went to five colleges, changed majors seven times, and I had about 10 jobs since I dropped out of school." "That's quite a success story." "Well, I have to be at the lab early tomorrow, so I..." " Oh, I forgot where I put my keys." "Spaced out again?" " Guess so." " Maybe." "Well," "I guess I'd better make the first move." "Now didn't that ease the tension?" "I'm a forest ranger." "I'm just taking some work home for the weekend." "Hello." "Just one second here." "Just a few more things." "Okay, now we're on our way." "Excuse me, I've been doing a little early Christmas shopping." "Okay, people, listen up." "I'm declaring this bus a national forest." "Please act accordingly." "Plants coming through." "Look out..." " Hey, hands off the ficus, lady!" "Don't grab the branches." "It could be a bird's home someday." "Hey, it's not an ashtray." "Plants are people too!" "Dana, I needed that shipment from you." "Well, some geeks took my driver's license away." "That's not my problem." "Either you bring that shipment by Friday or you can forget the whole account." "Well put." "Right to the point." "And believe you me, by this time next week, we'll be laughing about this." "Ha ha ha." "Great." "First thing in the morning, flush out all the water." "Okay, I did that." "Then you wanna fill up with oil at least two quarts." "Ugh." "Well..." "Here goes." "Next, you wanna grease up your rear end." "Really get a lot up there." "Smear it all around." "Well, if it works, it will be worth it." "Get out on the highway and go at full speed for about 10 miles." " See how it feels." " Like shit." "Officer Halik, come in." " Sit down." " You wanted to see me, your honor?" "Yes, Halik." "I have a proposition for you." "Proposition?" "Halik, you've been screwed." " I have?" " Hank, how would you like to be a winner in this traffic school thing?" "Have the last laugh on those fools that sent you down?" " How could I do that?" " Make the class tough, impossible." "Fail everyone." "I'll order their cars sold." "We'll give half the money to the county." " The rest you split with me." " But what if we get caught?" "Hank, since this law went into effect," "I control the records of all vehicles ordered sold by the county." "Take a look for yourself." "The last instructor retired a very wealthy man." "What do you say..." "Hank?" "♪ There's a feeling that I sometimes get ♪" "♪ Ooh, it's not unusual ♪" "♪ For me to swing 'cause I can't see it ♪" "♪ I go sneaking down the hallway ♪" "♪ Highway recognize ♪" "♪ Taken by a brain wave ♪" "♪ And I can't control my drive ♪" "♪ Sometimes I break through the wall ♪" "♪ Oh, I'm a moving violation when I move ♪" "♪ A moving violation when I move, watch me ♪" "♪ Losing all my patience when I do ♪" "♪ Watch me" " ♪ Moving violation- lation-lation-lation. ♪ Good party, huh?" "You should see it in Iran... talk about your tough traffic laws..." "Over there, you get a moving violation, they take away your license and your hand." "Chop it right off at the wrist." "Wow." "I gotta get over there to see that." "Hank..." "You are in complete and total control of this class." "So forceful." "I'm not wearing any underwear." "Leave the car in gear with the emergency brake on, and you walk to the rear of the car with your flare, breaking off the upper portion, and throwing it in the back." "Then, you ignite your flare." "Placing it within six feet of the vehicle." "Now, we'll let one of you try it." "Mrs. Houk." "Hmm." "No, Mrs. Houk, it's the other one." "No, don't throw it in the trunk." "Oh my god!" " Did I do something wrong?" " Not from where I stand." "Stand back while I open the hood." "It's a big 460 with a Harley four-barrel." " Right." "Sure." " Now remember, if you're going to abandon your car by the side of the road, just lock it up and leave it where it stalls." "Never..." "I repeat, never try to push it to the side of the road." "I'll show you why." "I need a volunteer." "Mr. Barnes, try pushing this car to the side of the road." "As you can see, by pushing the car, you are in danger of getting hit by uh..." "Hank, I need you." "There's a fire." " Fire?" " Fire." " Fire!" " Fire!" "All right, here we go." "Here we..." "Come on!" "Watch this." "All right, all right." "Who put on the brake?" "Get out of here." "I'll kill ya!" "I got you, I got you." "Come on." "Here comes the Terminator." "Thank you." "Have a nice night." "Good evening." "Can I help you?" "Good evening." "Can I help you?" "Can I help you?" "Good evening." "Can I help you?" " Hi." " Hi." "Uh..." "Are you doing anything later?" " Yeah, I'm going out." " Oh." "But you could come with me." "How about we meet at The Band Box?" " On Tower?" "How about 10:00?" " Sure." " Okay." " Okay." "Great, okay." " I'll see you later." " Right." "Bye-bye." "Scott, you devil." " She's crazy about you." " Really?" "No." "I got my doubts." "What are you talking about?" "Don't put yourself down." "You're a great guy." "Go get her." " Trust me." " Thanks, Dana." "You're a pretty great guy yourself, Dana." "Speaking of great guys..." "Good evening, kids." "How are you?" "I'm doing a lot better than you, Mr. Cannon." "I understand your business is going down the drain." "Too bad." "Yeah, well..." "I can always get another job." "You on the other hand, civil servant, are stuck in this shitty nowhere traffic school for the rest of your life." "Forever." "I am sick of you, Mr. Cannon." "Fine." "Why don't you do something about it?" "I'm off-duty." "Why don't we just step right over here and settle this?" "Fine, right now." "Dana, why did you get him going?" "He's going to kill you." "Yeah, I might've gone too far." " What are you gonna do?" " Let's find out." " Over here, Cannon." " Oh, excellent choice." "So, what's gonna be?" "Boxing?" "Karate?" "Wrestling?" " Are you kidding?" "Look, wimp..." "Oh, Jesus." "You come on like this big macho strongman." "How about a real test of strength?" "How about arm wrestling?" "Sounds great." "I better warn you, Cannon," "I happen to be western division arm wrestling champion, so don't be surprised when I break your arm in two." "Sounds fun." "Come on, dickhead." "Spence, can you call it?" "Okay, on three." "One, two..." "Three." " Halik!" " Chief!" "Whoopsy." "Scott, Scott." "Stephanie... hi." "Hi." " What happened to your hair?" " This is my hair?" "I just wear a wig a lot." "It looks terrific..." "Really, terrific." "Hey, do you like cars as much as I do?" "Sure, probably more." "You know what I love to do?" "I love to drive fast." "Uh, I don't have a license." "We could get into big trouble." "Scott, when I drive fast," "I get very hot..." "So very, very hot." "Let's go." "♪ One foot on the brake ♪" "♪ And one on the gas, hey!" "♪" "Faster, Scott." "♪ Well, there's too much traffic ♪" "♪ I can't pass, no... ♪" "Faster, Scott, it turns me on." "♪ So I try my best illegal move ♪" "♪ A big black and white... ♪" "Go all the way, Scott!" "Floor it, floor it!" "Go faster, Scott!" "♪ Go on and write me up for 125 ♪" " ♪ Post my face, wanted dead or alive... ♪" "Whoa, whoa-oa!" " Stop here!" "This is where I live." "I gotta go." "Hey, uh..." "you forgot your keys." "It's not my car." "I don't know whose car it is." "Oh, shit!" " Welcome to NASA." " Great." " So this is where you work?" " That's right." "I grew up in a place that looks just like this." "Now, Dana, don't fool around in here." " This is a serious place." " Thanks, Dr. Hopkins." "So these are the readouts for all the space probes which are currently orbiting." "That's the Voyager project." "That's Viking, that's Pioneer, and that's the Russian's Lunakhod." "Oh, the bad guys, huh?" "We'll get them." "Don't mind me, fellas." "You guys are doing a terrific job, really." " Keep up the good work." "Enjoy, enjoy." "Hmm." "You are really an aggressive woman." " Come on." " Oh, my favorite two words." "So I have a question." " Mm-hmm." " Why are we here?" " Because... of this." "This?" "Could be different." "Up, up and away." "Whoa, yeah, now I know how a racquetball feels." "Yeah!" "Yeehaw!" "Too much fun." "This is a good way to keep your socks up, you know?" "♪ I feel nice ♪" "♪ Sugar and spice now... ♪" "Come here, Dana." "Dana, come here now." "This feels great." "Now what?" "Well, I always say," ""If you make love for the first time, you should at least make it interesting."" "I'm for that." "Tonight, we get behind the wheel of a car and test you on the fundamentals" " of driving." " First group, Houk, Cannon," "Barnes, Roth, and Hopkins." "Mrs. Houk, you drive." "Where's the car?" "Oh, god, we're dead." "Right this way, Mrs. Houk." " Dad, are we there yet?" "I'm hungry." " Shut up!" " Take a right here," " Mrs. Houk." "Stop the car, Mrs. Houk." " I hear bells." " Mrs. Houk!" "You hear bells?" "Shit, hit the brake!" "The train is coming!" "Start the car, Mrs. Houk." "You know what a train does when it hits the body?" "Start this car!" "Everybody get out of the car!" "Get out, get out." "Mrs. Houk!" "Get out!" "Get out of the car!" " Where is everyone?" " Damn, it's locked!" "Come on, come on, we gotta push." " Would you get over here and push?" " Oh, man." "Oh, we're gonna be splattered!" " Honey, are you okay?" " God, that scared me!" "Oh-ho-ho-ho." "Ho!" "It's like I always say," ""When the going gets tough, the tough get going in their pants."" "Go ahead and laugh." "None of you are gonna finish traffic school anyway." "You're gonna all fail." "And I guarantee you none of you will ever see your cars again." "Jeez." "What am I gonna do?" "My dad is gonna kill me." "With the debts I've got, dying sounds pretty good right now." "Hey, would you two burly fellas care to join me in a desperate mission a little bit later?" "Sure." "Will there be bloodshed?" "Shh." "Hey, guys, it's me." "Hey, man, you almost gave me a heart attack." "Great!" "Wink, do me a favor..." "Try to be an actual person in the next five minutes, okay?" "This ain't gonna be easy." "Relax," "I got it covered." "I made this stuff at home." "Works pretty good, huh?" "Very nice, very nice." "Um, time to get going, wouldn't you say?" "There we go." "Uh-oh." "I'll save you, here I come." "Yeehaw!" "Come on." "Let's get our cars." " Is that your truck?" " No." "Let's try down here." "Shit." " Who is it?" " I know exactly who it is." "It's that pain in the butt, Dana Cannon." " I can't find my Limo." " Halik!" "Christ." "Fierce, this is just like "Cujo," man." " Come on, come get us!" " There's my truck." "Oh, tear your heart out." "So long." " I'll have Cannon picked up within the hour." " I'll take care of him." "I'll really take care of him." "Hey, come back here." "We just stole that thing ourselves." "Shit." "Dana Cannon, you're in big trouble now." "All right, all the money in the till, come on!" "Move it!" "What?" "Yeah?" " Freeze, mister." " If this is about the rent, the check's in the mail, I swear to god." " Is that your truck?" " Yeah." " Where did you find it?" "Great." " You're under arrest." "Because this was an armed robbery and the defendant has appeared before me previously..." " Your honor, I was framed." " Quiet!" "I'm going to set bail at $10,000." " Great." "Do you take Visa?" " The court is in recess." "Was I strict enough?" "Oh, yes, very." "Hank, I want to show you something." "I've computed our take from the sale of the cars." "It comes to over $50,000." "Nedra..." "You've changed my whole life." "You've taught me a whole new way of looking at the law." "Well, let's go over to your place." "I'll show you a whole new way of looking at my body." "Oh, I hope this is the right place." "Oh, yes, The Clinic." "I have an appointment with Doc Williams." "Ah, Joan, right on time." "I love punctuality." "Why don't you come this way?" "I am a little harried right now." "I'll tell you, why don't you wait in my office?" "I think you'll be a bit more comfortable in here." "Okay." "And we'll get to that examination in a couple of minutes." "I am dying to get at your rear end." "Mm-hmm." "Hmm." "She's ready to go, Mr. Kolonawski, and purring like a kitten." "And I'll see you back here in 6,000 miles, not a mile over." " Carl, want to back it out for Mr. K?" "Okay, Joan, I'm ready for you now." "All right, Doc." " Let's go take a look at it, shall we?" " Hmm." "Follow me, please." "Doc, shouldn't I be wearing a gown?" "No, don't be silly, we're not that formal around here." "What the heck?" "All right, Joan..." "Excuse me." "Hello, The Clinic." "Yes, Mr. Armistead." "Yes, sir, could you hold a second, please?" "Uh, Joan, why don't you get it up on that rack and give me a holler as soon as you're ready?" "Yes, Mr. Armistead." "I see." "Well, that's the same problem" " we had in the past, isn't it, sir?" "Is there a constant vibration?" "God, there's so many doctors in here!" "What's this?" ""Gas analysis"?" " Gosh!" "What I'd like to do is bring it in" " as soon as possible and let's recheck it." "No, I want you to bring it in immediately, sir." "Let's nip this in the bud." "That's my motto." "How does your week look?" " Thursday's impossible." "How about Friday..." " at 2:30 p.m.?" " All right, Doc, I'm ready." "Roger?" "You can?" "Fine." "I'll see you at 2:30... on Friday." "So long, Mr. Armistead." "Ah, will you two guys please check out that rear end?" "Okay, so now what?" "Hey, kids." "Look at this." "Hey, come on, come on, come on." "All right, all right, it's just a fake..." "Oh no, it's not." "Wink, would you leave my kids alone?" "Okay, now then, for five points, true or false?" "You may make a u-turn in-between intersections of a business district." " False." " That's absolutely right." "Congratulations." "Now..." "What's going on with you kids?" "Yeah, nice accessories..." "matching, no less!" "How MTV of you kids." "So this is serious kinda, huh?" "It's just not fair we have to study this hard." "You think it was fair I greased up my ass every day and you had Manny, Moe and Jack looking up it?" "You feel better, don't you?" "Why do I find all this intriguing?" " Dana, we've been at this for hours." " Yeah, we can pass that test." "Look, I lost a $20,000 account." "I'm facing 10 to 20 years on a major felony." "If I'm gonna head up the river," "I wanna drive myself up the river, all right?" "You with me?" "Yeah." " Okay, I knew I could talk you into it." "Now then, when entering an intersection..." "Williams, pass." "Roth, pass." "Mccarty, pass." "Hopkins, pass." "Popadophalos, pass." "Cannon..." " Pass." " All right!" " We all made it!" " Hey!" "That's the good news." "The bad news is, these written tests count only 5% of your grades." "What?" "You gotta be kidding." "You mean we have to take another test before we can get our certificate?" "That's right, Ms. Hopkins." "So if you'll all follow me into the parking lot, we'll have your driving skill tests." "Hey, what's the matter, baby?" "Why so cold?" "Nothing." "Oh, come on, is he kidding?" "!" "Is this amusing or what?" "The objective of this test is to stay within the white painted lines regardless of the obstacles in your path or the conditions of the road." "Let's begin with Mr. Greeber." "Go get 'em, Scotty." " Do it, Scotty." " All right, Greeber." "That son of a bitch." " It's a mess." " He'll never be able to make it." "None of them will." "So, how did I do?" " Didn't do so hot." " How about we all fail?" "Looks like we're never gonna drive again." "I don't believe it." "That's it." "My dad's coming back in town tomorrow." " I'm dead." " Too bad, tough break." "If I were you, I'd get used to public transportation." "I'm in the car business and I can't drive." "We're screwed." "We got shafted." " My dad is gonna kill me." " Not if we get to him first." "Let's face it, we're never gonna drive again." "Wait a minute here." "I can't believe I'm hearing this." "You think we're finished," "Washed up, history?" "Well, I've got news for you, it's not over till it's over." "Look at Michael Jackson..." "his hair caught on fire." "Did he give up?" "No." "He called the fire department and went on a "Victory" tour." "All right." "Now instead of pissing and moaning about how bad off we are, let's zero in on the guy who made sure we'd never drive again." "Let's get the guy who screwed us." " Let's get Halik." " Yeah, fuck him!" "Rip his nuts off!" "All right, I think she had enough to drink." "But she's right." "Let's get some beers." "Let's go get him!" " Come on!" " Yeah!" " Right now!" " Yeah!" "Now this I like." "First we kill him," " then cut his face off." " Wink, you're a sick man," " trust me on that." " Oh, come on." "Doc, can I have a word with you?" "Come on, ride me, daddy." "I'll be right there, your honor." "Oh, man!" "This has totally ruined sex for me for the rest of my life." " Doc, you got the tools?" " Right here." "Let's go." " Did you see anybody?" " I don't know." "Good." "Move over, buddy." "Yeah, that's the one I want, right there." "That's it." "Yeah, give that another turn." " What's that noise?" " I don't hear anything." "Now get back to work." "Do you like it?" " Yeah." " I'm glad." "Come to bed, honey." "♪ Every boy's got one hiding in the dark ♪" "♪ Every boy's got one, it's my favorite part ♪" "♪ Every boy's got one, give it to me... ♪" " Stephanie?" " Oh no, my father!" "I didn't expect him home so soon." " Your father?" " Yeah." "If he finds you in bed with me, he'll kill you." "I'm only 15." "Hurry up!" "My father will kill you." "He's an animal." "He's a teamster." "How could you be 15?" "You've got a driver's license." "Fake I.D..." "I've been driving since I've been 12." " Where's daddy's girl?" " In your room?" " Stephie..." " Hi, daddy." " Who the..." " I didn't know she..." "You?" "I will kill you!" "Oh, god." "Oh, gee." "Oh, god." "Oh my god!" " Oh god." " You're dead!" "Scott, I'll call you later." " That's it." " Let's get out of here." "What are you doing?" " Are you gonna be a good boy?" " Yes, mommy." "Yes." "What the..." "Move, move." " This ought to be good." "Stay tuned." "Come on." "Bastard!" "See that ledger on the nightstand?" " Uh, yeah." " Come here." "They were gonna sell your cars and split the money." "Whip me till it hurts." "I knew something weird was going on." " Yes, mommy!" " That ledger tells everything." "Now get it to Chief Fromm down at city hall and he'll take care of them." "Well, thanks." "You know, I have a sense about people, and I felt all along that you were decent and kind." "Shove it, dipshit." "And merry Christmas to you too, Santa." "Can't go this way." "Let's go." "Come on, let's go." "No, sit, no!" " This is the only one open." " Yeah, but who could fit in here?" " Oh, yeah." "Oh, honey, yeah." "Yeah, yeah." "I just hope Houk's on the pill." "Oh, yes!" "She's got it." "Let's go." " Yeah." "Oh, press it." " Who the hell was that?" " I don't know." "But she's got the ledger." "You bastard." " Now, sugar..." " Don't sugar me." "Dana Cannon's on his way to Chief Fromm to tell him about your little scheme." " Morris, you're a cop." "How could you do this?" " You bitch." "Shit!" "Wait for me." "That's it!" "I would have come out to you." "Dumb thing." " Yeah!" " Come on." "The damned thing, it only goes in reverse!" "Oh, screw it!" "Dana, look out." "It's Halik." "Virginia, get down." "I told you to stop it, Virginia." "So long, sucker." "Oh, what the hell is this?" "A parade?" "Come on, let's go." " A parade!" " It's Halik!" "Oh no, come on!" "Get out of the car." "Come on!" "Would you please stop fighting?" "We've gotta catch Cannon, come on!" "Excuse me, excuse me." " Whoa, look out." " Sorry." "Are we following Dana?" "Right here." "Get in here." " Get in." " Oh!" "Out of my way!" "Move, move, move!" "We need a vehicle!" "Get on that float!" "Hurry up." "Get up!" "Up!" "Up!" "Move!" "There's Halik." " All right, come on, Dana, let's go." "Get away from me, you frigging clown!" "You frigging mouse." "Get your hands off me, you frigging duck." "Oh, here comes the campaign." "Whoa!" "Oh, shit!" " Yeah." " Yeah." " Is this the right color?" " Yeah?" "Great." "Come on." " Are you sure about this?" " Hey, it's the only way." "Come on." "Right this way, miss." " Don't I get a ticket?" " No, that's all right." "There's no tickets today." "Okay, we gotta get this car back." "They'll be done in an hour." " No sweat, man." " There's my dad." "Over there." "Hi, dad." "Good to see you." "Let's get you home." "Wait a..." "Why are we rushing?" "Hey, don't worry about it." " Screw it." " Let's go." " Jeff, who is this?" " Don't worry about it." "Oh, crap, roadblock." "They went in there." "Turn!" "Get them." "I give up." "Please, me too." "Somebody take me, yeah." "Somebody take me, please." " Somebody take me." "I give up." " Oh, ooh, ooh." " No, no, no." " This way." "Let's talk about some real weapons." "Swat teams all over the nation call it the k-gun, or kill gun." "It's capable of firing 40 rounds in three seconds..." " Ho!" " This way." "This way." "Come on, come on." "Come on, here." "It can cut a man in half in two, ruin his whole weekend." "And it's great in crowds." " How about this for laughs?" " They got us." "They don't know us." "Act nonchalant." "Hello, I'm officer Stephens, Puerto Rican highway patrol." "Buenas noches." "How have you been?" "Good to see you." "Nice uniform." "You know, we should get some of these." " I'm gonna mention it to the Chief." "Stop that man." "He's wanted." "I'm not as happy as I should be." "Follow me!" "Hey, hey!" "Don't shoot me, I give up." " Get them, get them." " Don't shoot me, I give up." " Come on." " Don't shoot!" "Get him!" "Oh, when I get my hands on him" "I'm gonna rip you a new one, Cannon!" "Get that guy." "Come on!" "Ready?" "Whoa." " Oh, god." " I'm gonna rip you apart!" " Stop so I can I'll kill you." " You gotta help me." "I gotta a few problems of my own right now, Tiger." "Listen, you've got a lot of explaining to do..." " Okay." " What the..." " Good to have you home." " What...?" "What?" "Hey, who..." "who in the hell is this guy?" " Who's this guy?" " Let's go, Wink." "Hey, Jeff..." "Oh god." "I wonder if he'll shoot our tires or aim for our heads." "I'm in pursuit of a Mercedes 500-SEL," "License plate 2GB 485." "Request assistance." "That's what's great about this force." "You ask for help and you get it." "They got a whole army after us." "I can just feel it, man." "There's gonna be a shoot-out now." "Perfect timing." "All right, lady." "Come here, come here." "Get in there, okay." "Relax yourself." "Good." " Have a nice day." "So long." "Bye." " We did it." " What's happening?" " You know, I was just asking everyone," ""Where the hell are Jeff and Wink?"" "Hurry up, hurry up!" "Come on, get them..." "Virginia!" " I'm gonna kill you, witch!" " Screw off, you slut." "Come here!" "This way." "That's him." "That's the guy." " In here!" " Do you have an appointment?" "Do you have an appointment?" "Do you have...?" "You have an appointment?" "!" "Do you have an appointment?" "Do you have an appointment?" "Do you have an...?" "Do you have an appointment?" "Sir, I got something here you should read." "I'll call you back." "Some people just came into my office." "See, right..." "Get off!" " This ledger contains officer Halik and Judge Henderson's plan to bilk the citizens and the city of thousands of dollars." "That's a lie." "This man is accused of armed robbery." " That's the fatigue jacket the hold-up man wore." " What?" "!" "I remember the insignia." " I'm positive." "This is the man." " That's a lie." " That's a lie, sir." " Arrest this man." "No, no, no." "Judge Henderson, you have a lot of explaining to do." "How about a little strip search, and we'll call this whole thing even?" " Arrest her!" " I'm innocent." "I'm innocent, sir!" "Tell him, Nedra!" " Tell him!" " Shut up." "I've got enough problems of my own." "How about a little dinner and some eating?" "How about a little "Hide the nightstick"?" "How about..." "It is a great pleasure to present each of you with a certificate, which certifies you've completed your course of driver's education traffic school." " Congratulations." " Yeah!" "Thank you." "People, just a little reminder, there'll be a post-graduation party at my place tonight." "I expect you all there promptly at 8:00." "Dressed as your favorite biblical character." "Thank you." " This is great." " That's good." "So now that we've graduated, will I ever see you again?" "I think so." "I'm moving in with you." "Oh, you are?" "Mm-hmm." "That's right." "So why don't you just follow me in your truck to my place so we can pick up my things?" "So maybe we could stop at the space lab and go for a little twirl?" "All right, Emma Jean, let's get going." " Let me drive, Loretta." " Why should I let you drive?" " Because you can't see a thing." " Don't be silly," "I can see as well as you can." "♪ There's a feeling that I sometimes get ♪" "♪ Ooh, it's not unusual ♪" "♪ For me to swing 'cause I can't see it ♪" "♪ I go sneaking down the hallway ♪" "♪ Highway recognize ♪" "♪ Taken by a brain wave ♪" "♪ And I can't control my drive ♪" "♪ Sometimes I break through the wall ♪" "♪ Oh, I'm on moving violation when I move ♪" "♪ A moving violation when I move ♪" "♪ Watch me!" "♪" "♪ Losing all my patience when I do ♪" "♪ Watch me!" "♪" "♪ A moving violation- lation-lation-lation ♪" "♪ There's a feeling that I can't pull back ♪" "♪ I can't sit and I can't stand ♪" "♪ And the things I want, I just go get ♪" "♪ Oh, it's a combination ♪" "♪ Of a voracious appetite ♪" "♪ But knowing the sensation ♪" "♪ Won't stop the urge to bite ♪" "♪ Sometimes I just do it all ♪" "♪ Oh, I'm a moving violation when I move ♪" "♪ A moving violation when I move ♪" "♪ Watch me!" "♪" "♪ Pure acceleration when I choose ♪" "♪ Watch me!" "♪" "♪ A moving violation- lation-lation-lation ♪" "♪ Sometimes I wonder why ♪" "♪ I can't help but fantasize ♪" "♪ I must need it way too much ♪" "♪ It's the reason to get touched ♪" "♪ But I come down just to get up ♪" "♪ Sometimes I just do it all ♪" "♪ Oh, I'm a moving violation when I move ♪" "♪ A moving violation when I move ♪" "♪ Watch me!" "♪" "♪ Pure acceleration when I choose ♪" "♪ Watch me!" "♪" "♪ A moving violation- lation-lation-lation ♪" "♪ Sometimes I wonder why ♪" "♪ I can't help but fantasize ♪" "♪ I must need it way too much ♪" "♪ It's the reason to get touched ♪" "♪ But I come down just to get up ♪" "♪ There's a feeling that I can't pull back ♪" "♪ I can't sit and I can't stand ♪" "♪ And the things I want, I just go get ♪" "♪ Oh, it's a combination ♪" "♪ Of a voracious appetite ♪" "♪ But knowing the sensation ♪" "♪ Won't stop the urge to bite ♪" "♪ Sometimes I break through the wall ♪" "♪ Sometimes I just do it all ♪" "♪ Oh, I'm a moving violation when I move ♪" "♪ A moving violation when I move ♪" "♪ Watch me!" "♪" "♪ Pure acceleration when I choose, watch me!" "♪" "♪ Oh, I'm a moving violation when I move ♪" "♪ A moving violation when I move ♪" "♪ Watch me!" "♪" "♪ Pure acceleration when I choose, watch me!" "♪" "♪ A moving violation- lation-lation-lation ♪" "♪ Moving, moving, a violation, moving, ha!" "♪" " ♪ Ooh, ohh!" "♪ - ♪ Moving, moving ♪" "♪ A violation, moving, ha!" "♪" " ♪ Watch me!" "♪ - ♪ Moving, moving ♪" "♪ A violation, moving, ha!" "♪" " ♪ Move!" "♪ - ♪ Moving, moving ♪" "♪ A violation, moving, ha!" "♪"