"Oh... you're gonna regret that." "Pigfoot was your favorite." "He wasn't real, Burt." "None of this stuff is real." "Hey." "We came as fast as we could." "Wait a minute, you're not bleeding from your ear." "Damn it." "I was really excited to either save your life or end it compassionately." "I just said that to get you over here." "It's your mother-- I've never seen her like this." "Oh, come on, Virginia, that's your authentic" "Navajo dreamcatcher that we got at the Trail of Tears Casino and Suites." "I'm done with all this make-believe stuff, Burt." "How's a bunch of string and feathers supposed to hold thousands of dreams?" "And... who needs this telescope?" "There's no such thing as UFOs." "Telescopes don't just look at UFOs." "They actually have a variety of scientific uses..." "Oh, grow up." "(crashing)" "What happened to you?" "BURT:" "I'll tell you what happened." "That mermaidspecial on TV." "I just saw a special where actual scientists" "Norwegian scientists-- proved the existence of mermaids." "Do you know how many mermaids get caught in fishing nets every year?" "None... because mermaids, like actual cans of dolphin-safe tuna... don't really exist." "You're a mermaid holocaust denier." "Attention Howdy's shoppers." "This store is selling mermaid contaminated tuna fish." "(screams)" "That show was a total hoax, Virginia." "But it was on that channel where you're supposed to learn stuff." "Plus, the narrator was British." "Look at this." "Ah!" "Jude Law and the network apologized... saying, "We never would've aired the film if we thought there were people stupid enough to fall for it."" "Mm-mm." "I've been burned too many times." "I'm done believing in anything magical:" "dreamcatchers, ghosts, angels, Criss Angel." "And definitely not Pigfoots." "BURT:" "Oh..." "Don't go throwing' ghosts into all the nutty crap you used to believe in." "Ghosts are real." "I've got one living in my closet." "You people can believe whatever you want." "I'm done." "Apparently she's also stopped believing in cleaning up her own messes." "♪" "♪ Whoo!" "♪ Here we go, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!" "♪" "(sighs)" "What are you doing?" "Huh?" "Nothing." "You're not trying to put that stupid pigurine back together, are you?" "Well, I was hoping when you cooled off, you might want it again." "I tried to buy you one, but it turns out they're not selling them anymore 'cause apparently they're made out of (coughing) asbestos." "I tried to fix it, but it's impossible." "Now I see why God never actually made a pig Sasquatch-- it's-it's very time-consuming." "Don't bother trying to fix it." "Pigurines are a ceramic lie." "Pigs can't have careers." "The truth is, they're just bacon and footballs." "End of story." "I miss the woman who believed pigs could be policeman or lawyers or pork-tologists." "Well, she's gone." "(sighs)" "I used to think there was more to life than being a maid..." "I was wrong." "You scrub toilets and then you die." "Oh, come on, Virginia, you're not just a maid anymore." "(sighs) You're a crew chief now." "It's not just scrubbing toilets, you do paperwork, too." "My closet ghost is getting feisty." "He threw a lamp." "(gasping):" "I can't, I can't sleep in there." "Maw Maw, there's no such thing as ghosts." "You probably just knocked it over yourself." "Did not." "Dibs on the middle." "Let's make a Maw Maw sandwich." "No, Maw Maw." "Just go on back to your room." "Will you take me?" "I'm scared." "Fine!" "(groans)" "Sucker." "What?" "(sighs)" "If I start to scream... just slap me and tell me the war's over." "This is ridiculous." "I'm going to prove to you that there's no such thing as ghosts." "(snoring)" "Okay, so... the windows in there are boarded up." "This door is locked." "And I'm putting powder down." "So if anyone tries to go in or out... there'll be footprints." "So I challenge your ghost to prove that it's here." "But my guess is, that in the morning when we wake up, everything's gonna be exactly how I left it." "(door closes)" "(birds chirping)" "There you go." "See?" "Nothing's changed." "Now you'll know how I felt when I was dumb enough to believe." "Who are you?" "Is this cocaine on the floor up for grabs?" "Prepare to feel like an idiot, Maw Maw." "♪" "Oh, my God." "We have a ghost." "(rattling)" "It's making Maw Maw's nightstand vibrate." "(switch clicks, rattling stops)" "I'm sorry I ever doubted you, dreamcatcher." "I hope you catch dreams as well as you caught fire." "Speaking of fire... let's burn this house before we're slaughtered in the night by this angry poltergeist." "Burt, it's obviously a nice ghost." "He made a smiley face." "I've seen all five Paranormal Activity movies." "I promise you, this does not end well for us." "Did you say you wanted me to believe again?" "Well now..." "I believe." "Well, there's a big difference between mermaids and angry vengeful phantoms." "I feel like I could take a mermaid... on land." "In a bathtub, it'd be anybody's game." "Maw Maw, were you in the laundry room?" "I don't go in there;" "that TV only gets the clothes channel." "Burt, did you do the laundry?" "Not since the great acid-wash disaster of '91." "We got jeans..." "(grunts) and we got acid." "How hard can it be?" "(rattling)" "(loud bang)" "(rattling)" "Well, he's thorough." "He even cleaned out the pube catcher." "You're winning me over, ghost!" "Whoever you are!" "We brought a bag of ice!" "Where's the thumb?" "!" "Where's Burt's thumb?" "Good job getting here so fast." "So... dad didn't cut off his thumb testing out his new mouse guillotine?" "No." "We just wanted you to get here as fast as possible before we made contact." "What do you mean, "contact"?" "We have a ghost." "We have a laundry-folding, chair-stacking, lipstick-writing, possibly friendly, possibly Mr. Belvedere phantasm." "And we hired a professional to help us communicate with it." "Well, this should be as interesting as a still twitching thumb in a bucket of ice." "Hey, Chances." "You guys order a medium?" "Not a medium pizza." "A medium to help us talk to our ghost." "Your card says you do that." "That's an old business card." "I also no longer do videotape rentals or teach the Macarena." "But I have branched out into writing people's names on grains of rice." "Here's my new business card." "But I don't open the portal into the spirit world anymore." "It's too dangerous." "Why?" "Possessions?" "Poltergeists?" "Demons?" "No, worse." "My dead grandma." "She was annoying when she was alive... she's downright unbearable as a spectral being." "Please, Tyler, we don't need much." "We just want to know who he is and what he wants." "And I have so many questions about Heaven." "Like, how do they keep birds from sneaking in there?" "If you guys are willing to compensate me for three pizzas and two cheesy breads..." "I'm in." "So, that's gonna be... four bucks each." "Did you drag us here just to pay for pizza?" "No." "We invited you here to join us on our journey to the other side." "By the way, tickets to the other side are four bucks each." "But it comes with complimentary cheesy bread." "(groans) I'm not sure it was such a great idea to eat all this greasy pizza before we hold hands." "I don't know, just wipe it on your shirt." "That's what I do." "Yep." "Everyone can see that." "And everyone can also see where you caressed by boob." "Shh, shh." "The portal's opening." "I'm feeling the presence of a spirit." "Go ahead, ask him whatever you want." "Uh..." "I have a question for the big guy." "Hammerhead sharks, duckbill platypuses-- were you just throwing leftover parts together at that point?" "Let me try." "Hello..." "Mr. Spirit." "Hello." "I'm Virginia Chance." "I live here." "You already know that from folding my underwear." "Which, uh, thank you for that, by the way." "Are you always that friendly?" "I sense he is benevolent... and means you no harm." "Who is he?" "Where does he come from?" "(Virginia gasps) (bones cracking)" "(falsetto):" "Tyler... how many times I gotta tell you?" "Get a haircut." "(whispering):" "God, I think it's his grandma." "Who you calling grandma, Grandma?" "I remember from those six Martin Lawrence movies, this is exactly what an old black grandma sounds like." "Tyler, I told you, quit hanging around these crazy honkeys." "(bones cracking, grunts)" "Sorry." "Sorry." "Sorry." "Did she say anything bad?" "She's a bit of a racist." "So, you definitely felt our ghost?" "He was a good spirit, right?" "I mean, I'm sure you get this all the time but when I go to Heaven will I be anatomically correct?" "'Cause the angel I put on the Christmas tree's got nothing going on under his robe." "No, it's not the Holy Ghost, it's just a ghost." "Oh..." "Sorry, Burt." "Now I gotta go home and clear the history on my browser." "Grandma will not be happy if she finds out" " I was looking at white women on the computer." " Mm." "(crickets chirping)" "(yawns)" "(sniffs)" "Oh, hey, Burt." "You're out of fabric softener." "Ow!" "What the hell, Burt?" "You didn't have to hit me." "Of course I had to hit you." "You're a creepy stranger in my house at night." "You meet all the qualifications of someone I should hit." "What do you mean?" "I'm not a stranger." "I'm the guy who watches your sex tape." "(yells) Hey!" "No-No-No." "I mean, I mean, my wife and I, we found your sex tape." "Don't you remember?" "You hid it in an old clown doll which we ended up finding." "My wife and I watched that tape over and over again." "Not for the sex, but because seeing how you two related to each other really helped out our marriage." "Oh, yeah, I remember." "So what the hell are you doing in my house?" "Well, my wife and I had an argument and I went a little overboard and left." "So I came to ask for your advice and... uh..." "the door was unlocked." "You weren't home, I had to go to the bathroom." "So I opened the wrong door, found a closet, saw a hatch in the floor, discovered a bomb shelter." "It's pretty self-explanatory." "We got a bomb shelter?" "(grunts, groans)" "No wonder we never knew this existed." "This is really small." "I don't think Paw Paw was planning to save the whole family." "(laughs)" "VIRGINIA (over vent):" "Burt!" "Yeah, been down here a couple weeks now." "I can overhear everything through this vent." "VIRGINIA:" "Could you bring me a glass of water, honey?" "Hmm, see?" "You guys are always so sweet to each other." "(scoffs) My wife and I, we don't communicate like that." "That's why I stayed." "I'm learning valuable stuff from you guys." "Like how to wash my wife's underwear?" "Well, I felt like I owed you guys, so I started doing stuff around the house." "Look, I will say the way you starched my Foghat T-shirt is... otherworldly." "But you can't just be spying on us, and pretending to be a ghost." "That wasn't my plan at first." "Then I overheard Virginia talking about losing her sense of wonder and I wanted to help." "That's why I stacked the furniture." "This is terrible." "Virginia loves having a ghost." "If she finds out all this is just you, she's going to be devastated." "I'm sorry, Burt." "Once again, I go overboard," "I create more problems than I solve." "Christy is right." "Every time I find myself in a good situation, I make it bad." "That's it." "What if we scare her?" "The only reason Virginia likes you is 'cause she thinks you're a friendly ghost." "But what if you were a bad ghost?" "Then she'd be happy you left, and she'd still believe in magical stuff." "Sure, I guess it's worth a try." "Hey, you know what?" "I could scare her in the shower." "That's what they always do in horror movies." "I... think anything in the bathroom crosses a line." "Hey, Burt..." "I've watched your sex tape thousands of times;" "nothin' I ain't seen before." "(woman screaming on TV)" "(man growls)" "That's like in that movie, Poltergeist." "(clanging)" "Creepy..." "(woman laughing shrilly)" "(music box plays gentle melody)" "(whispering):" "Burt, Burt, do you hear that?" "Where do you think it's coming from?" "(shrill laughter continues)" "It's probably just the wind." "(shrill laughter continues)" "(gentle melody plays) (shrill laughter)" "Or it's the restless souls of the Native American children buried beneath the house." "(gasps)" "(laughing, burps)" "Oh, there's nothing scarier than the burp of a dead child." "(screaming)" "(laughing)" "(screaming)" "Oh, God." "Move it." "Oh." "(Maw Maw continues indistinctly)" "(musicox plays gentle melody)" "I'm scared." "Aren't you scared?" "This is scary." "I know." "I don't care what" "Tyler thinks about his grandma... we're having an exorcism." "(screaming)" "Oh, demented spirits of the laundry, please forgive us for unstacking your furniture." "We needed a place to sit and the armoire seemed precarious." "(sporadic banging)" "He hears you." "(gasps) It's working." "Do you smell that?" "(sniffs)" "(sniffs, snorts)" "The spirit is close." "(sniffs, groans)" "The spirit could use a shower." "(groans, blows)" "(trembling):" "Man..." "I can't believe this is working." "I'm gonna be honest with you," "I'm a little freaked out." "(gasps)" "(whispering):" "It's never gone this well before." "Tell him to leave." "Tell him to leave!" "Uh..." "leave!" "Ow!" "Damn it." "(birds cawing)" ""Ow"?" "What kind of a ghost says, "Ow"?" "Hey didn't say, "Ow." He said, uh..." ""Out." "I want to get out."" "Burt, are you okay?" "(groaning)" "He-He's not Burt anymore." "I think the ghost has taken possession of him." "(gasps) Yeah-Yeah-Yeah." "That's exactly what's happened." "I am the ghost... and I am very, very real." "(groaning) (screaming)" "Way to go, Burt, put on a show." "(groaning, gurgling)" "Do something!" "Do something!" "(yells)" "Do you want your name on a piece of rice?" "Get out...!" "Well, I'm out of ideas." "Better go." "No!" "Don't go!" "Damn it, ghost, give me back my husband!" "Okay...!" "(clangs)" "(sighs)" "Is that it?" "Did the ghost leave?" "I think so." "(gasps)" "(sighs)" "I think I can hear the spirit rushing out." "Oh, yeah, now I can hear it, too." "Quick question:" "Where's the water main shut off valve?" "Oh, my God!" "What is Jim the sex tape guy doing in our house?" "!" "(eerie moaning)" "I shut the water off." "Problem solved." "What a crazy adventure, huh?" "So... who wants to watch RoboCop?" "I can't believe you lied to me about pervy Jim!" "I'm sorry." "It's just when you broke your one-of-a-kind" "Sasquatch pigurine it broke my heart." "And I hated that you stopped believing in stuff." "And I don't want Hope to grow up in a world where she's told it's wrong to still believe in UFOs and fairies and Siamese twins." "JIM:" "This is beautiful, the fact that you have a husband who cares enough about you to go out of his way to make you believe in things." "That's the real magic." "Exactly." "I'm the real magic." "I guess it was kind of sweet of you in your own messed up, twisted, misguided, warped..." "Yes, yes, I love you, too." "Oh!" "(groans) This is what Christy and I need in our relationship." "(groans) You know, a real, true, understanding of one another and a willingness..." "to forgive." "Hey, you know what?" "Hey... would you maybe be willing to go to talk to her for me?" "I... don't know." "But she respects your relationship so much." "We really wouldn't know what to say." "Yeah, you're right, I should go." "There's a load of delicates in the wash and there's a..." "cake in the oven that should be taken out in about 20 minutes." "It's in the shape of a heart." "I'll get my coat." "I'll get my keys." "So, you're just a strange man sneaking around my bedroom at night?" "Well, I guess I'm going to bed." "(laughs)" "By myself." "No risk of pregnancy." "I'll never remember." "You'll never forget." "(dog barking in distance)" "Hey, uh..." "I'm just gonna wait in the car." "You know, if she sees me she'll probably freak out." "So, will you just tell her I really love her... and I'm really, really sorry for going overboard." "Got it." "(sighs)" "You know, for someone who handled all our underwear, secretly lived in our house and obsessively watched our sex tape, he's actually a sweet guy." "But we're on the same page?" "If he comes to our house again we're calling the cops." "Oh, definitely." "(laughs)" "(knocking)" "Oh, my God." "Burt and Virginia, what are you guys doing here?" "Well, we spoke to Jim and there's something we want to tell you." "(stutters) Is this some kind of a sick joke?" "I know you guys haven't been together for a while." "Yeah, because he died two months ago." "What?" "We were on a booze cruise to Cabo and he was drinking Rum Runners by the gallon, and he fell overboard." "(whispering):" "Overboard." "Overboard." "Overboard." "Overboard." "Overboard." "For going overboard." "Overboard." "Overboard." "Overboard." "Overboard." "Overboard." "Overboard." "So... what message could you possibly have?" "Well..." "We ran into him at the drugstore... the day before the cruise." "While he was buying seasickness medication." "Right, Burt?" "Yep." "And... he said how..." "Excited he was about the cruise and..." "How much he loved you." "Really?" "Well, thank you." "That really means a lot." "Okay, so, now that we know you're good, we should probably get going." "Do you want to come in?" "No." "No." "No." "You're a widow, so you should probably be alone right now." "Okay." "That was weird." "Virginia, look." "(bird caws)" "Okay, so, maybe he just jumped off the boat so he could fake his own death and collect insurance money." "But then why would he live in our basement and fold our laundry, when he could be livin' it up on some beach in Wisconsin?" "It makes perfect sense, you guys, he's a ghost." "You can't really prove that." "I don't need proof." "It's called belief, not fact, for a reason." "And I choose to believe." "I am so happy to have my open-minded, UFO believing, mermaid rights activist back." "Now who wants cake?" "That may or may not have been made by a ghost."