"Who was a good boy at the doctor. huh?" "Who was a pretty bird at the doctor?" "And who got the pretty doctor's phone number?" "Yes." "Pretty bird. pretty bird." "Jack." "I've got a tenant's meeting in five minutes." "I don't want to have to deal with a lot of shrill squawking." "feathers flying. biting." "and that bird has got to go too." " ( bird squawks )" " I'm not too fond of the tie either." "That's our cue." "Guapo." "Oh." "look." "Will." "I'm flipping you the bird." "( bird squawks )" "Uh." "Grace. a little tip-- when you shadow." "a good rule of thumb is less is more." "Okay." "All I wanted to do was spend a cozy evening at home by myself." "So I try to light a fire and the next thing I know." "the entire apartment is full of smoke." " Did you check the flue?" " Yeah." " Did you use dry wood?" " Yeah." "Did you know your fireplace has been sealed." "effectively rendering it non-functional?" " No." " Might be your problem." " Why is it sealed shut?" " Three years ago we were bringing the fireplaces up to code." "and it got too expensive." "So. now some of them work and some of them..." " How come your fireplace works?" " Because I'm sleeping with the president of the tenant's association." " That's you." " Yes. and I'm tender but rough when I need to be." "Okay." "Mr. Rough and Tender." "you have to do something." "How can I have a groovy bachelorette makeout pad if I don't have a little fire to set the mood?" "Smoke in bed." "I have a tenant's meeting." "this discussion is closed." "Not unlike your fireplace." "Wait. wait. why is this discussion closed?" " Give me one good reason why." " Uh... 'cause?" "I'm gonna need a little more than that." "Okay. because." "Come on." " This isn't fair." " Well." "life's not fair." "Grace." "Grow up." "Whoa." "Did you just tell me to grow up?" "Yes I did." "And when you grow up." "you'll understand." " What are you doing?" " You're having a tenant meeting." "I'm a tenant with an issue." "You're a tenant with a lot of issues." "( theme music plays )" "Okay. all in favor?" "Opposed?" "It's decided then. a shirt must be worn when using the laundry room." " I just don't understand" " It's over." "Mr. Zamir." " But it's 1.000°" " Mr. Zamir!" "All right. now the carpets are being cleaned next week." "light bulbs replaced in the stairwell." "Anything else?" "Anybody?" "Mrs. Pressman." "Somebody stole my umbrella." "Is this a new umbrella. or is this the same umbrella we discussed" "July 28th." "August 28th." "and the September 10th special umbrella meeting?" "It's very similar to the one Tim Kaiser in 12B has. is all I'm saying." "Duly noted." "Okay." "is there anything else?" "Well then." "I move this meeting be adjourned." "All in favor?" "Hello?" "My hand has been up for like an hour." "I'm down three ring sizes." " Grace" " Thank you." "Hi." "I'm Grace Adler." "9A." "I'd like to talk about fireplaces." "Now as I understand it. some of them work and some of them don't." "I'd like to find a way to get them all working." " I thought none of them worked." " Ah!" "No." "Some of them do indeed work." "The rest are sealed shut." "Do any of them work?" "That's what I just said." "some of them work. some of them don't." "I'd like a fire but he won't let me." "You want heat. here's an idea." "light your mother on fire." "I would like a fireplace." "Where would we get the wood?" "You see what you started?" "Hey. people. people." "People. now listen." "we settled this." "We could have all had our fireplaces brought to code." "but then our maintenance fees would have gone up and I just assumed nobody would want that." "Uh. interesting how he made that assumption just after his own fireplace was done." "Thank you. thank you." "Now. now. now. now look." "we had just voted an increase." "so that we could have the lobby floors done and that's it." "That's what we decided on." "Trust me. it's what you wanted." "Okay?" "Meeting adjourned." "Whoa." "Whoa. whoa." "whoa." "Sit." "Sit. sit. sit." "Sit." "Sit." " Mr. Zamir." " But I want to go" "Mr. Zamir." "Now are you people noting this arrogance?" "He's not your president." "He's not acting like a president." "He's acting like a king." " Or in his case" " All right." "Grace. they get the point." "All I'm saying is we can't all have fireplaces." " See?" "He's doing it again." " Okay. you know what?" "Enough." " Everybody wants to go home." " I don't think we're done here." "Oh. we're done here." "Good night. everybody." "Elections are next week." "but since I'm running unopposed again." "sign the ballot. don't sign it." "whatever you want." " Will:" "Good night." " Wait. not so fast." "Hey. hey." "Hey!" "I think you're all going to be surprised to see another name on that ballot." "Me. me!" "I'm running for board president." "Everybody:" "Ohh!" "Hold still." "Claus von Puppy." "We're accessorizing." "Ooh." "look at you. all "street."" "You're like Notorious D-O-G." "I'm the pooch with the cold wet snout lf you sniff my butt then I'll ask you out" "Word to the bitch." "I told you to keep that dog off the bed." "I made it once today." "I don't want to make it again." "Rosario. a marriage is about compromise and compassion. okay?" "Maybe you could." "oh." "I don't know. pick one?" "Dogs rapping. strange boys calling in the middle of the night." "When I prayed to the Madonna for a husband." "maybe I should have been more specific." "Oh my God." "you pray to Madonna too?" "Jack. sweetie. uh..." "we need to talk." "There's something that-- oh. it's you." "If I understand our roles correctly." "you should be cleaning something." "and I should be drinking something." "Freshen." "Drinking at 10:00 in the morning." "Where I come from we have a word for people like you." "Oh. that's funny." "We have a word for people like me here. too." "It's called boss." "Now do what I tell you." "Honey. sit down." "I need to talk to you." "Okay." "listen." "Sometimes bad things happen to good people." "And sometimes bad things happen to you." "I'm not following." "Oh screw it." "Bird is gone." "Guapo. something happened to Guapo?" "( screams )" "Well." "I opened the window to yell at somebody on the street for wearing palazzo pants." "and... before I could say. "Hey." "Ioser." bird took off." "You mean-- oh my God." "That bird was my life." "we've been through everything." "When Steve dumped me." "Guapo was there." "When Raoul dumped me." "Guapo was there." "Mike." "Dan." "Tom..." "Guapo." "Guapo." "Guapo... there. there. there." "Oh. honey. what can I do?" "Do you want another bird?" "No. how can you even ask me that?" "If my grandmother died. would you bring me another racist dowager with a purse full of diabetic candy?" "I don't think so." "Guapo was my baby." " Oh." "Jack" " Leave me alone!" "Oh. you know. uh..." "when I get depressed nothing perks me up like a little spending spree." " Come on. honey." "let's go shopping." " I don't want to." " We'll go to Barneys." " It won't help." " We'll skip the sale rack." " I don't know." "I'll let you French kiss me in the elevator." " Well. maybe just an hour." " Come on. come on." "Now get yourself together and I'm gonna go and give driver a B12 shot." " Okay." " Okay." "Oh, what the hell, honey." "While we're out, maybe I'll buy you a new Rolex." "Coming." "Wait. hold the door." "hold the door!" "Hold the door-- oh!" " ( elevator door dinging )" " Ow. ow. ow. ow. ow" "Grace!" ""Vote for Grace." "Win the Race."" "That's cute." "Shouldn't the rhyme go more like." ""Vote for Grace. she just wants to get it on in front of a fireplace"?" "Oh." "Will." "I am so far beyond the fireplace." "I'm doing this because your arrogance is off the charts and someone's got to bring you down a peg." "And that someone is you?" "Allow me to turn up my nose and laugh, French-like at you." "( mimicking laugh )" "Will. you can't win all the time." "Really." "I can't?" "'Cause it seems like I pretty much have my whole life." "( mimicking laugh )" "Sorry." "I saw how much you enjoyed that the first time." "Laugh all you want." "Gerard Depar-doo-doo." "'Cause when they tally the votes." "the person who laughs last is gonna be... the last person laughing." "Don't act like that didn't make sense." "Grace" " look." "I don't want to play these games with you. okay?" "The tenants love me. face it." "You don't stand a chance." " Hi." "Mrs. Pressman." " Save it." "Will Truman." "I'm voting for Grace." "She told me how you've been eating my fruit-of-the-month." "Wait. what-- I" " I" " I ate a Japanese pear." "Once." "And you were in Boca." "Thief." "You're a thief." " I'm voting for Grace." " But" "Nice. nice." "Grace." "What?" "Smearing my name with the tenants?" "Hey. she asked me what time it was and it just came up." " I think these tactics are pathetic." " Yeah?" "Well. "All is fair in love and war."" "( mimicking laugh )" "Now. that shopping spree helped a little bit. didn't it. poodle?" " I guess." " Oh. come on." "I saw you crack a smile when I had that salesgirl fired." "Oh. but I've got six children and my husband just left me." "Come on." "I saw you." "you little devil." "I saw." " Yeah." " Yeah." "Oh." "look at Guapo's cage." "It's so empty." "like my heart." "Oh. keep your chin up." "Tomorrow. we'll talk travel." "Oh. say. have you done Greece?" "Oh. wait a minute. of course you've done Greece." "No. we'll think of something." "Living in a material world" "'Terial. oh." "in a material world" "And I am a mater" "You again?" "Oh my God." "I'm Tippi Hedren." "Get out of here. go. shoo!" "Shoo!" "Shoo. shoes." "That's what I can get tomorrow." "I am rather fond of the new Gucci mule." "Wait a minute. what am I saying?" "You're my Guapo. you're my baby." "Come here." "Guapo." "Yes..." "Guapotito." "Now look at me." "Am I the sort of man that would give up his precious little baby for a $10.000 watch?" "Now Guapo." "the closet's not that bad." "Will was in there for 20 years." " Mrs. Carr. a lemon square?" " How about a flashlight?" "( gasps ) They're yummy!" " Vote for me in the election." " Vote for experience." "I've been do" "I thought you had nothing to worry about..." "Frenchie." "That's Mr. French to you." "Oh. my eye." "Gracie. you okay?" "Pretty shoes" "Pretty shoes..." "Who's a pretty pair of Prada slip-ons?" "Oh. you are." "Yes. you are." " I don't feel right." " Ohh." "Guapo!" "I just feel terrible about the last few days." "trying to make up for the loss of a pet by buying you stupid little gifts." "No. no. the gifts aren't stupid." "The gifts help." "No. honey. it's wrong." "in fact it's-- it's just insulting." "There's only one thing I can give you that-- that has real value." " Your love?" " A boat!" "Oh my God." "Karen." "I don't know what to say." "Say. "Thank you." "Karen." Thank you for a boat with a mahogany deck." "a cruising speed of 40 knots." "and a staff of cabin boys who are either gay or questioning." "Yeah." "Oh my God. it's one out of every 10 man's dream." "I've never-- nobody's ever-- you know." "I don't-- oh God." "Karen." "I can't keep it up." "I've been lying to you this whole time." " I know." " Guapo's in the closet right-  ( bird squawks )" " Wait a minute. you know?" " How?" " Poor. naive Jack." "You really think there's an inch of this place I can't see on video?" "There. there. there... and there." "Oh my God." "Karen." "I don't know what to say." "Say hi to Stan." "Hello." "Mr. Walker." "So I guess I should give you the keys back." "No. keep 'em." "They're to Grace's office." "Go ahead. help yourself." "take whatever you want." "I'm so ashamed." "Karen." "I'm so sorry." "That's okay." "A part of me is angry. but... a part of me is proud." "The rest of me is just drunk." "Wait a minute-- if you've got cameras everywhere." "does that mean you've seen" "Yes I have. honey." "and good for you." ""L." "L" stands for loyalty." "That's what Grace Adler is all about." ""E."" ""E" stands for no more smells in the elevator." ""R." responsibility." " So in conclusion..." " Arthur. wake up. she's concluding." "...pick a winner." "Pick change." "Pick me." "Pick. pick. pick. pick. pick. pick." "Change is bad." "Vote for me." "Okay. everyone." "fill out your ballots." "Nice artwork. by the way." "What are you talking about?" "My poster in the elevator?" "You blacked out my teeth." "gave me a mustache. horns." "an arrow through the head." " Real mature." " ( laughs )" " What?" " All I did was the teeth." "You're just afraid you're gonna lose." "Why don't you choke down another tainted lemon square?" " Flashlight lawyer-liar." " You're a mess." "Okay. everyone. attention." "Counting the absentee votes." "it looks like..." " 18 for Grace..." " Yes!" " ...and 18 for Will." " No!" "What is wrong with you people?" "I had buttons and posters." "and baked goods." "That's only 36." " Who didn't vote?" " Wait." "I didn't vote." " I win!" " Wait. wait. you voted. you banana." "Mr. Munitz." "I forgot." "He's in St. Luke's Hospital for a hernia operation." "What are we going to do?" " Is anybody else hot in here?" " Mr. Zamir!" "I guess we'll just have to wait till he gets out." "I guess so." " Get-- move!" " Stop it!" "Telling the nurse you're his daughter." " That's beyond contemptible." " Oh." "Rabbi Truman..." "I'm glad you found him." "Mr. Munitz?" "It's me." "Grace Adler." "I'm running for board president." "Why?" "Good question." ""G" is for good government." ""R" is for re-decorate the lobby." " "A" is for-- - "A" is for you're being an ass." "The man is unconscious. he doesn't want to hear your campaign promises." "particularly since I've been doing such a good job for four years." "Squeeze my hand if you agree." " ( groans )" " Shh. wait. he's waking up." "Mr. Munitz?" "Hi. hi. you're looking really good. by the way." "We need your vote for board president." "Who do you want?" "Will Truman who's served you faithfully for four years?" "Or Grace Adler. who blames you for the smell in the elevator?" "Uh. wait. you know what?" "This just isn't fair." "The man is heavily medicated." " and he's in no condition" " I like Grace." "Yes!" "Yes!" "I win. you lose" "I win." "I win. you lose" "You lose." "I win." "you lose. you lose-- yeah. me!" "Second verse. same as the first" " I win. you lose..." " All right. all right. all right." "Put your pom-poms down." "Tiffany Amber Annoying." " I concede." " Mmm." " You lose." "You lose." " Yeah. but I lose." "I love losing." " How's it feel?" " Not so good." "Oh. how the arrogant have fallen." "( mimicking laugh )" "Especially when I think about all I'm losing." "Like waking up at 5:00 a.m. tomorrow to let the gas guy in." "Or next week's meeting with the city building inspector." "a man who's never met a clove of garlic he didn't like." "Or dealing with any one of 1.000 niggling little problems 24 hours a day." "from 36 neurotic tenants." "Wait. that doesn't sound very fun." "Oh. it's not." "And when I think of it that way." "suddenly losing feels a whole lot like winning." "Thank you." "Grace." "Thank you for teaching me this valuable lesson." "See ya." " ( tenants shouting )" " Quiet. quiet." "Quiet!" "Okay." "let's just take a breath." "Okay?" "And then speak one at a time." " Thank you." " ( all shouting )"