"CARØE'S CHRISTENING Based on true events" " Butter is actually churned milk." " Churned cream." " Thought you get it from buttercups?" " I didn't know it was milk, okay?" "You don't have to sulk, honey." "And don't talk with your mouth full." "It's full of milk, which is healthy." "Let's run through it so we're sure nothing goes wrong." "Frederiksberg Church." "The christening starts at 10.30." "As godparents you should be early so we don't panic." " When should the godmother arrive?" " 12 minutes early to carry the child." "The reception is at the house in Sweden." " Okay, gift lists." " I've adopted the American method." "I've put lists in all the shops to avoid duplicates." " You're getting the wine." " I've put Michael Laudrup on the job." " Football wine, is that any good?" " It doesn't taste footbally." " The cake?" " A chocolate double-layer cake." "I'd go for a four-layer cake." "It changes the dynamics of the cake." " Can we get one by Saturday?" " Sure, at Johansen's Bakery." "I'll call Ole Pepe, the baker." " Ole Pepe." "Sounds like a pizzeria." " We'll get a tomato-mozzarella cake." "Leave it to Frank." "You've got enough on your plate, honey." " Leave it to Frank." " Susan, I'll give Frank a hand." "Great." "As long as we don't get a double-layer." " Any questions?" " Have you decided on the name?" " Yes, what are you calling him?" " Well..." " We'll know by Sunday." " Haven't you decided on a name?" " We haven't made a final decision..." " Okay." "What are your options?" " We've thought about Mads." " Great name." " My brother is called Mads." " Masturbate." "Names can be twisted." "Let history come to our aid." "Joseph." " Joseph Carøe?" " Joseph was Jesus's... father." " Just give the kid a name." " Michael got teased with his name." " How can you twist "Michael"?" " Carøe led to "curry balls"." "Funny." "We'd never have thought of that." "Carøe balls!" "I've had it with her." "Thank God it's over on Sunday." "Mads Sebastian Carøe." "She's wanted that name ever since she peed on the test." " Can you give us a lift?" " Casper has given up driving." "No, but the energy I use on driving across town " " I could channel into my work." "A joke or a movie concept." "Oh..." "She lives across the street from Carøe." "She just wants an autograph." "Hi..." "Hi, Frank." "I'm crazy about you." " I've seen all your shows." " Would you like an autograph?" " I'd love one." " I've got a pen." " Your name is..." " Nina." " Leave some space." " No, don't bother." " Frank is my idol." " I've done some good things, too." " Like what?" " "Don't Forget Your Toothbrush"." " You didn't sing or anything." " I'm very pleased to meet you." "My friends are going to freak out." ""Did you really meet Frank Hvam? "" " You tell them." "Have a nice day." " I was thinking..." "I'm writing a comedy." "Would you like to give me some notes?" " Sure." "Call me when it's finished." " It is." "I can get it for you now." "It's finished?" "This is it." "That's the script?" "You haven't got like a summary?" " No, I'd like you to read the lot." " Sure." " Thanks." "I really appreciate it." " You're welcome, Nina." "Bye." " Homework." "Lucky you." " Nice girl." " You disappoint me, Frank." " What?" "You show me absolutely no support when a person walks all over me." "Because she didn't remember "The Toothbrush" from the 90s?" "Thank you very much!" "I loved "The Toothbrush"." "And all the other stuff you've done." "Whenever I go to Jutland, people talk about you." "You're still huge there." "But we're talking about a person who... takes a dump on me." "The spastic's been in some home cut off from the comedy scene." "She doesn't know what a frontrunner you are." " But you've taken my seat." " I always sit here in this car." " Yes, but not when Mia's driving." " Why not?" "Couples sit next to each other in a car." "Mia and I in the front, you and Iben in the back." "I have Iben behind me and you're behind Mia." " If Iben drives, you can sit there." " Don't you want to sit next to me?" "There's better room for you to read your disabled script in the back." "How can you write a song when you don't know the name?" "It's hard." "I've used Finn for the time being." " Finn?" "They won't call him that." " You don't know that for sure." ""Finn with the stupid grin." Susan won't go for that." "Still, Finn rhymes with "sin" and that's funny." "Let us honour little Finn let us raise our glasses let's all cheer in unison congratulations long live little Finn rosy cheeks and pale white skin..." "Honey, you're desperate." "It's an incoherent mess." " The godmother has to write a song." " But you can't without the name." " In desperation you name him Finn!" " What is his name, I'd like to know." "What a stinker." "Jesus, Frank!" " Roll down the window." "Come on." " Hi, Iben." "The christening gift is really heavy." "Will you drop me off at home?" "I'm going to Lorenzo's." "You'll have to grab a cab." "Come on, Frank..." "You fucking looney!" "Ugh!" "Let's see us all together." " That won't do." " I can't tie it." " You've tied a knot, my dear boy." " Don't you tie it?" " Do we need the bow tie?" " In the words of Dean Martin :" ""Women should always wear white lingerie, and men a bow tie."" "With this hand you cross the river, go underground,   up to the Madonna, down into the lake and twice to the grocer's." " Take a manual." "He'll never learn." " Thanks." " What?" " They don't mention any lakes." "Let's have a look." "Hey, the Danish Rat Pack!" "Sammy, Dean and Frank!" " Get the hang of that by Sunday." " What are you going to call him?" " We've decided on a name." "Oscar." " Super name." " Like the Oscar award." " Oscar de la Hoya." "Oscar is a Vegas name." "Remember when you named your willy in school?" "I called mine Oscar." " Funny, eh?" " He's your friend." " Nobody does that." " Oscar is a fine name for a..." " Nobody names their dick." " Lots of people do." "Use it in a joke, but nobody does it." "Can I ride with you and Oscar?" " Where's your car?" " I had trouble finding a space." "Yes, driving a car is such a hassle." "I far prefer riding with you." " You're never going to drive again?" " Sure, when I feel like it." " To me driving a car means..." " Hold this." "You have to fetch your kids and so on." "I want driving to be fun." " I won't drive a car either, then." " Then how will I get around?" "If you don't drive, we're stuck." " I can switch off my habits." " So I'm your cab driver?" "No, you're my little helper." "Now what?" "Didn't you put the script back?" " You had it, you put it back." " You gave it to me." " But you touched it last." " Suddenly that's the rule, eh?" "Rule no. 1." " Help me." " I haven't got time." "Let's go." " I won't drive Casper anymore." " Is he pushing it?" "First he steals my front seat, and today..." "In order to put something in the boot he takes out that girl's script   and puts it on the top of the car without telling me." "We drive off, and then I see it scattered on the road." " You could've done the same thing." " I never scattered a spazz script." "Don't use the word "spazz"." "Okay, I never scattered a script by a girl with no control of her limbs." " Did you salvage it?" " No, the traffic was too intense." "To my best judgment I would have put my life at risk." "A large, solid four-layer cake for 50 people." " We need it Sunday at 10 o'clock." " This Sunday?" " That's going to be difficult." " What do you mean?" "People book three weeks in advance." "I'm all booked." " We'll go somewhere else." " No one else makes four layers." " But Ole Pepe hasn't got the time." " When don't you have time?" " I'm booked solid." " Thursday night?" "I need some time off..." "Sunday morning, you said?" " Come on, Ole Pepe." " Let me see." " 10 o'clock, Sunday." " Way to go!" " 50 people, four layers." " Raspberry, chocolate, marzipan." "Maybe some nuts, but absolutely no peanuts." " Does that ruin the cake?" " No, it's all a matter of taste." " I'm allergic to them." " No peanuts." "I'd like it in the shape of a chubby boy." " A cake in the shape of a baby?" " Keep it simple to avoid any trouble." " A square cake will do." " With a baby and the name on top?" " A baby with a black bow tie." " No, nothing on top." "Susan is going to have a fit." "Then the baby's wrong, then the tie." " How large do you want the name?" " No name." "It's Susan." " It's Oscar, not Susan." " Then she doesn't like the writing." " There are plenty of pitfalls." " Put a name on it." "I once had a cake made without my name on it, and I never got a piece." " Don't give her any cause for grief." " Susan won't mind the name." " Just a plain blue surface." " Right. "Wow, what a blue cake!"" "Bye." "Let's go." " Put the name on it." "Oscar." " Okay, write it down." " I'll write it in icing." " Throw in some peanuts as well." "You've got a ticket." "Didn't you set the parking disc?" " I don't set your disc, only mine." " The passenger sets the disc." " The owner of the car sets the disc." " That's a new rule." "I don't know when you want to leave or arrive." "The owner drives, and the passenger sets the disc." " People in the back don't do a thing." " Fine, I'll get in the back." "Let's go." " Rule no. 1 says you set the disc." " But I'm in the back now, right?" " People in the back have to shut up." " Oh, come on!" "Across the lake, up to the grocer's." "Across the lake, through the hole to the grocer's." " Come on, now." " Are you still at it?" " I'm working on it." " We have to go." "Dean Martin said women wear white lingerie, and men bow ties." " This is so embarrassing." " I'm a Rat Packer." "I'm the godmother." "Just put on your blue tie." " Let's go!" " Honey." "A Rat Packer never wears a blue tie." "We're late." "Give me the keys." "Take off your cap." "Hi." "Did you read my book?" "Yes, it was very nice." " I'll take her." " No." "They've asked me now." " I couldn't tie it." " Just around and across the lake." "Across the lake?" "I thought it was under it." "It's okay." " What is the child's name?" " Nico Dean Carøe." " No, it's Oscar." " No, his name is Nico." " But I was told it was Oscar." " No, it's Nico." " But Carøe said..." " That's enough, Frank." " I'm shocked." "I thought it was Oscar." " Never mind." "His name is Nico." " What is the child's name?" " Nico Dean Carøe." " You'll prefer Oscar in the long run." " I've heard your story about Oscar." "Susan, I don't call it Oscar anymore." "I just call it my willy." " Right, Mia?" "We don't call it Oscar." " We have to make a decision." " What is the child's name?" " Nico Dean Carøe." " Oscar." " Nico Dean Carøe." "Do you forsake the Devil and all his works?" " Yes." " Do you believe in God Almighty..." "Good bye." " I'm glad you made it." " Congratulations." " Hi there." " I have the cake for you." "Something's come up." "Hang on." "Michael, I need to talk to you." "This is Ole Pepe, the baker." "There's been a terrible mistake." "Just as you ordered." " Susan won't be pleased." " I thought you were calling it Oscar." "If I move the O, remove the S..." "That spells Caro." " Don't ruin the marzipan." " It won't be pretty, Frank." " It won't work." " I think it looks great." "I'm so excited about the cake." " Why does it say Oscar?" " It doesn't, okay, Susan?" " It's just a plain chocolate cake." " No!" "I specifically asked for a plain blue cake." "Why does it say Oscar?" " Frank told me to write Oscar." " Did you, Frank?" " I think so." " I don't want it!" "Everything's ruined!" "Get rid of that cake." "We've got a hundred guests waiting for us." " Michael, look at your sleeve." " It's nothing." " Now what?" " Take Frank's jacket." " Come on, Frank." " Now!" " We thought his name was Oscar." " Spare me." " I'll just put this on." " Isn't the cake going to Sweden?" " No." " You won't find a four-layer there." "We won't be needing a cake now." "Nico Dean will give him a hard time, too." "They'll call him "Nicotine"." "The other kids can't play with Nicotine." "He'll give them cancer." "You bastard!" "Don't ever show your face in my bakery again." "Nobody else makes four-layer cakes!" "See you there." "I almost got it off." "What a filthy bathroom." " Have you got the keys?" " They're in the jacket I gave Carøe." " Call him." " He's got my phone as well." "Casper and Iben, we've lost our keys." "Can we go with you?" "You'd like a lift?" "No way." "Let's go, baby." "Just do as I say." "See you." "Why couldn't we go with them?" "Probably because I refused to give Iben a lift the other day." " Why did you refuse?" " Because I'd farted." " You'd farted?" " A real stinker." " Hi." "Are you going to Sweden?" " We can't get into our car." " You can go with me." " Thanks." "That's really nice of you." "We can discuss my book on the way." " Have you got some notes for me?" " Yes." "How did you like chapter two where the two lovers enter..."