"Grace?" "You awake?" "Grace!" "I'm up." "Turn off the bacon alarm." "It's amazing." "You know, you go to bed looking like Courteney Cox, and you wake up Courtney Love." "Just serve the bacon, jackass." "And we're officially my parents." "I'm sorry, I got no sleep last night." "I have three apartments to do by the end of the month." "Normally, I would do the same design three times in a row, but the old bags know each other." "It's so much work." "I think I'm going to have to hire another assistant for a while." "And Karen's got her hands full carving penises into her desk and getting her real estate license online." "That would explan why she tried to get me to buy a condo in the Poconos." "It would also explain this penis." "Look at me!" "I'm glowing." "Congratulations, Jack." "Are you gonna find out the gender, or do you wanna be surprised?" "I'm not pregnant, I'm in love." "Aw, Jack." "That's great." "Are you gonna find out the gender, or do you wanna be surprised?" "Oh, Grace, if I wasn't so happy," "I might say something hateful." "Like, bacon isn't love." "So, tell us about your new boyfriend." "How many hours have you been going out?" "Seventeen." "His name is Travis, and he's the hottest guy I've ever gone out with." "He's very into the downtown gay country two-step cowboy rodeo bar scene." "Sometimes I think you guys are just too creative." "Why can't you just be gay, and leave it at that." "Listen, without all this, we're just guys who can't throw balls." "Will, come out with us Friday." "I'm dying for you to meet Travis." "Alright." "But I hate those gay theme bars." "You know, and they always have such awful names." "Oh, no, no, no." "The Cow Poke's not like that at all." "Well, you seem really, really qualified." "I'll be in touch." "Thanks, I'll look forward to hearing from you." "Um, could I have my purse?" "Oh!" "Sure, honey." "Condoms, but no breath mints." "I like a gal that cuts to the chase." "Huh?" "So far, she's the one to beat." "Although she... she might almost be too pretty." "Eh, I'll just find a way to get ten pounds on her." "Good luck with that." "Cupcake?" "Oh, I'd love one!" "I'm here for the interview with Grace Adwerk." "It's Adler." "Are you making fun of my accent?" "No!" "No, no." "I wouldn't make fun of any accent." "Well, except maybe Southern." "I'm sorry, I don't care if they are rocket scientists, they still sound dumb." "Please come sit." "Here, honey, let me take your purse." "Somebody likes figs." "So..." "Pam." "That's a nice name." "What were you expecting?" "Just because I'm Middle Eastern, it should be a long and unpronounceable name?" "Like Pam..." "[NAME IN FARSI.]" "Oh, no." "Not at all." "I wasn't implying it was anything crazy like that." "Because that's what it is." "Honey, your hair's so short in your driver's license picture." "You look a little like Omar Sharif." "I don't like you." "What an interesting résumé." "Wow." "I had no idea they had House of Pies in Tehran." "Well, everybody likes pie, not just Americans." "Oh, of course." "I didn't mean to imply that." "You are absolutely right." "Everybody loves pie." "And just because the saying is, "American as apple pie,"" "doesn't mean it can't be "Iranian as apple pie."" "Or "Bye-bye, Miss Iranian Pie."" "Bye-bye, Miss Iranian Pie." "Drove my..." "Oxcart to the levee, but the levee was dry..." "I'm making you uncomfortable." "Clearly you were never going to consider a Middle Eastern woman for this position." "No, no, that's not true at all." "I'm definitely considering you for this position." "Careful." "I just wish I saw a little more design experience here." "I started to put together a portfolio, but it was difficult... with the revolution, the operation, and the line at Kinko's." "I'm sorry, I take for granted how many opportunities I've had." "You know what?" "" "Uh, honey, I forgot to tell you that the messenger called." "And he said, "I ran your credit card and it's bad!"" "Can you start tomorrow?" "Thank you." "You won't regret this." "I know I won't." "Nice purse, honey." "It's not made out of camel, if that's what you're implying." "I kind of was." "Well, I hate to say it, but I think you just made a big mistake." "To quote Samuel Jackson in almost any movie..." "I got a bad feelin' about this." "Wow." "A gay western bar." "Where's the mechanical bull dyke?" "Over there." "And no man has ever stayed on her." "Oh, there's Travis!" "Which one?" "The one in the cowboy hat and tight jeans." " Him?" " No." " Him?" " No, him!" "No!" "He's crazy hot." "Okay, calm down, he's mine." "And the best part?" "I really get along with that little doggy." "John Wayne would be so proud." "To shoot you." "Travis!" "Hey, hey, Jack!" "Too bad they already played the "Boot Scootin' Boogie."" "You missed the booting' scootin', but we can still boogie." "And I'm leaving." "Wait, wait, wait." "Travis, this is my bestie, Will." "How ya doin'?" "Hi." "Okay, I'm gonna go get us some drinks, all right?" "It's so fun being in a gay cowboy bar." "Everyone's so rugged!" "Can we get three lemon drops, please?" "I love this song." "It was playin' when I came out to my wife." "And strangely enough, she hates it." "It's fun to laugh at an anonymous woman's heartbreak." "Hey, Will!" "While I wait for the drinks, dance with Travis!" "And don't feel so self-conscious." "Heavy bodies always look better in motion." "How 'bout it, Will?" "Why not?" "How often do I get to dance underneath a disco ball hanging from a wagon wheel." "Alright, well, you just follow my lead." "Alright?" "Alright." "One, two, quick stop." "One, two, quick stop." "Yeah, I'm getting it." "You sure are." "You're on it like spots on an Appaloosa." "Tell me, when you go home at night and you take all this off, do you still talk like that?" "You wanna find out?" "Excuse me?" "I think you're hot." "And spin!" "Hey!" "Princess Jasmine!" "Showtime!" "Hello?" "[SPEAKS FARSI]" "Uh, okay." "A little refresher on the refresher course." "Please answer the phone in English." "Oh, I forgot." "I'm in America." "I'm supposed to be ashamed of my cultural heritage." "Pam, did you... did you fax over the designs to the cabinet maker yet?" "I'll do it right after my smoke break." "I'm sorry." "But remember, I told you you can't smoke here." "It's a part of my religion." "Smoking in the office." "So inappropriate!" "Hey, anyone mind if I take my boob out for a second?" "Hey!" "It's one thing at dinner, Karen, but at work, I'd really prefer you keep it in." "What?" "Why is line two blinking?" "Who's been on hold?" "Oh, I forgot." "It's Mrs. Van Helden." "Okay, she's just our most important client." "I'm sorry, let me get it." "No" " Oh!" "You just hung up on her!" "Wow, this is gonna be a real horse race for employee of the week." "Hello?" "Yes, yes." "Hi, Mrs. Van Helden." "I was" " I was just about to call you." "No, no, it's just that-- Well, let me just" " I see." "She fired us." "Oh, I must go pray for you to get your client back." "It's better from an East facing bar." "Oh, great." "So now she can drink during work, too?" "Well, to quote Morgan Freeman in... almost any movie..." "You should have listened to me, white girl." "Okay." "Yes, we lost our most important client." "And yes, Pam might be partially responsible." "For all of it." "But what's more important?" "Making money, or doing the right thing?" "Money." "No, wait." "Yeah, money." "You know what?" "You're never going to understand." "I mean, the fact is, I'm tolerant." "And you are..." "Well, maybe a little bit racist." "How dare you call me a racist!" "A homophobe?" "Maybe." "Distrustful of Spaniards?" "Who isn't." "But nobody calls me a racist." "And you can ask anyone I own." "Well, well, well..." "If it isn't Karen Walker's little gay friend." "Where's your olive-skinned cohort?" "Don't you homosexuals always travel in pairs?" "BENJI:" "Beverley, I'm sorry." "They don't have Clay Aiken on the jukebox." "Well, look how cute you two are." "A black stallion and my little pony." "Jack!" "I need to talk to you." "William, what a surprise!" "I'm just having a drink here with my business associate, Benji." "The only surprise is that you're still trying to pass off Benji as your business associate in the middle of a gay bar." "This is a gay bar?" "!" "Why, I had no idea!" "I'm-a half a mind to storm out of here right this minute." "But my other half wants to stay and finish my refreshing lemon drop." "Come here." "Travis quite the two-stepper, huh?" "Yeah." "He's also a bit of a two-timer." " What?" " Excuse us." "When we were on the dance floor, he kind of hit on me." "No, he did not." "You think everybody hits on you." "You blushed when the guy at Starbucks asked if you wanted to leave room for cream." "COWBOY:" "Hey, if you're on the dance floor, get in line!" " No, no, no." " Six, seven, eight!" "Jack, why would I lie to you?" "I'm your best friend." "Because you're jealous." "The one-eyed monster reared its ugly head." "It's green." "I had that once." "There's an ointment." "But don't try to change the subject!" "You just can't handle me having the hot guy." "Jack, listen to me." "The guy is bad news." "You don't know what you're talking about!" "I'm leaving!" "Look, I can't find my ticket." "But I'm sure it's the only John Varvatos cashmere car coat." "No, it's not a poncho." "No, it doesn't have fringe." "No, it's not a poncho with fringe." "Nothing with fringe!" "Uh-oh." "Looks look my favorite calf has wandered away from the herd." "Let me put this in terms you'll understand." "Mooove away from me." "Hey, you didn't go say anything to Jack, did you?" "He's sulking with the lesbians next door at the Big Valley." "Of course I told him, because I care about him, which obviously you do not." "Excuse me. look, could you take my number please and call me if my coat shows up?" "How about givin' me your number?" "You are unbelievable." "You know what?" "I don't find cowboys sexy." "I don't even like ranch dressing." "Hello?" "We found your coat." "Get out of my way." "Whoa, whoa, now why you gettin' all worked up?" "Alright." "Jack won't care." "He should be happy he had me this long." "Hey, Jack is a catch." "No." "The guy's a good time, but that's it." "Don't say that!" "Oh, come on." "He's an idiot." "Shut up!" "Will, what are you doing?" "Did you just hit me?" "Yeah, I did." "Your boyfriend here is a jerk." "Wait a minute!" "What's going on here?" "Gay bar fight!" "I'm so sorry, Mrs. Van Helden." "And I thank you so much for giving me another chance." "Look, I'm going to send the designs to you right now." "They are already to go at the fax machine." "Okay." "Take a picture, it would last longer." "Pam!" "Pam, it took me two days to draw up those plans!" "It took me eighteen years to raise my plane fare to America." "Do I yell at you?" "I'm sorry." "I didn't mean to." "I" " Wow." "Eighteen years?" "I'm assuming that's first class." "Grace, you seem uncomfortable around me." "Is it because I'm Middle Eastern?" "No, Pam." "No, I'm not uncomfortable at all, and I'm happy I'm able to give you this opportunity." "And I believe that despite our different backgrounds, that we can work together and help make a more tolerant world." "Excuse me." "What a beautiful sentiment." "I made a similar speech at my Bat Mitzvah." "Bat Mitzvah?" "You're Jewish?" "Like brisket." "Jewish?" "I can't believe this!" "This is great!" "This is wonderful!" "Okay, why?" "Because we're both Jewish!" "I don't have to be tolerant of my own kind." "I don't owe you anything!" "What's your point?" "You're fired!" "See you at temple!" "It's amazing." "My first time in a gay bar, and I see my my first gay bar fight." "Your first time?" "You rang the triangle!" "Well, I better skedaddle." "Oh, by the way, I heard what that man said about Jack." "You are a true gentleman." "If anybody ever called my friend an idiot, I hope I'd be as brave as you." "Thank you, Beverley." "How about a gentleman's kiss?" "I'm not that brave." "Wow." "We were in a gay bar fight." "I know." "And, oddly, not a single punch was thrown." "Hey, sorry I didn't believe you about Travis." "I know you wouldn't lie to me." "I just wanted to think that a guy like that could choose a guy like me." "What does that even mean?" "Come on, Will." "He's kind of out of my league." "Hey." "Are you kidding?" "The only reason that you guys are in a different leagues is because he's a creep." "You're way above him." "You're in a" " You're in a league of your own." "Oh, I loved that movie." "It took place in such an innocent time, when Madonna was still relevant, and Rosie was still funny." "Come on, let's go home." "Oh, one more thing." "I know Travis flirted with you, but why did you shove him?" "I mean, it's just not like you." "What did he say?" "It was nothing." "What?" "Come on, tell me." "I don't even remember." "Yes, you do." "Ok, you really want to know?" "He said..." "That in bright light, that I looked fat and bald." "What a jerk!" "I don't want to date anyone who's mean to you." "And it's not true." "You still have at least half your hair." "Thank you, Jack." "And you're not that fat, you just don't know how to dress your body." "Hi." "I fired Pam." "I should've trusted you." "You were right." "The only reason I hired her was because of my liberal guilt." "Sometimes I wish I were a Republican." "Then I wouldn't have to worry about anyone's feelings." "All I'd have to worry about is not getting indicted." "Well, I'm glad you finally came to your senses, Grace." "I mean, I could not believe what you would let her get away with." "I would just sit there cleaning my gun, thinking, "This is an office!""