"So, this fella asks the farmer," ""Hey, how come your pig has a wooden leg?"" "The farmer says, "Well, see, I fell in the pond once, and this pig saved me from drowning."" "Saved him from drowning." "The fella says, "Well, what about the wooden leg?"" ""Well," says the farmer, "I fell off my tractor once, and this pig here ran for help."" "I love it." "Again, the fella says, "But what about that wooden leg?"" " Holling?" " One second, Ed." "The farmer says, "Well, the house caught on fire... and this pig came in there, and he dragged me out."" "Well, by now, the fella's getting just a little bit peeved." "He says, "But what about that wooden leg?"" "Oh, here it comes." "Here it comes." ""Well," says the farmer, "a pig like that, you wouldn't wanna eat him..." "not all at once."" " What is it, Ed?" " Holling, it's Jesse." "Jesse?" "Yeah." " Uh, well" " Go on." "Spit it out." " Holling, Jesse's dead." " Dead?" " Excuse me." " Who's Jesse?" "Oh." "He was a bear." "NORTHERN EXPOSURE" "3x20 "THE FINAL FRONTIER" Subtitles subXpacio" ""We returned from the Pole to Cape Columbia in only 16 days." ""The exhilaration of success lent wings to our sorely battered feet," ""but Ootah had his own explanation." ""Said he, 'The devil is asleep or having trouble with his wife, or we should not have come back so easily."'" "Why the Robert Peary, you ask?" "Well, we got a bulletin here from our friends over at JPL." "It seems Earth's happy spacecraft, the Voyager 1, is now some 7.2 billion kilometers from home." "It's passing through the heliopause." "It's zipping out of our solar system into the bosom of the Milky Way." "Good luck and Godspeed to you, our noble emissary." "You know, that's a trip all us earthbound stargazers would love to take." "As a consolation prize, the Van Allen radiation belt... is currently presenting the aurora borealis, and here in Cicely, Alaska, that's a show you won't wanna miss." "There's not a bad seat in the house." "Morning." "What the hell?" " Can I help you?" " Mr. Minnifield." "You people want something?" "Mr. Minnifield, we are admirers of yours." "Big fans." " How's that?" " Are you kidding?" "You're very famous." "Mercury program, "right stuff," you." "Oh." "Yeah." " Mr. Minnifield, may I, please?" " Yeah." "I guess so." "Make it quick." "I can see how meeting an astronaut would be a heady experience for you people." "Not having the wherewithal to fund your own space program." "Hotel space is at a premium here." "Where you folks staying?" " Sourdough Inn." " Sourdough Inn?" " No." " Yeah." "Sourdough Inn." "Is that the Sourdough Inn out by Eagle Lake?" " The one that's owned by" " Ron and Erick." "Clearly, you people have been misled." "This Ron and Erick, they're- they're sodomites." "Fairies." " Homosexuals." " You know about that?" "Yes." "Well, then, why the hell are you staying out there?" "Good value." "All right, that's it." "Go on." "Get moving." "Beat it." "Beat it." "Go on." "Move, move, move, move." "It's Jesse, all right." "The ligaments are gone." "The bones have separated." "Must have over-wintered." "Probably died last summer." " I wonder how it happened?" " It wasn't hunters." "They would've taken the claws and the skull." "Good point." "The bones aren't really broken, so it couldn't have been a moose." "The way the, uh, these molars are worn down, and the sutures in the skull all grown together?" "Well, I'd say just must've been old age that got him." "No." "Somehow, I always thought Jesse'd go, I don't know, like Butch and Sundance." "Hail of gunfire, freeze-frame and roll the credits." "Yeah." "Ruth-Anne needs me to run and make a delivery for her over to old Howie Neil's." " He's laid up with phlebitis." " You go ahead, Ed." "I'd like to stay here for a while." "Okay." "I'll see ya, Holling." " Hi, Ruth-Anne." " Hi, Maggie." " Mail's in." " Good." " Listen, do you know a McWilliams?" " Who?" " Richard McWilliams." " I don't think so." "What's the address?" "Just "Richard McWilliams, Cicely, Alaska."" "How odd." "Look at all that postage." "Thailand." "Luxembourg." " Sierra Leone." " Wow." "This box has been around." "What's D.D. R?" "Deutsch Democratic Republic." "The late East Germany." "Why is it other countries' stamps are so beautiful and ours are so blah?" "Bali." "I've always wanted to go to Bali." "Well, McWilliams." "Who is this guy?" "I don't know." "But if he wants his package, he's gonna have to come in here to get it." " All right." " Bye." "Bye." "Caribou." "Caribou." "Beef teriyaki." "Thanks, and can we have another refill for Fumio?" "Okay." " Double Canadian, water back." " Heard about Jesse." " About time someone nailed that S.O.B." " How's that?" "I wish I'd had him in my sights." "So long, dude." "You ever listen to yourself?" "You ever hear what comes out of your mouth?" " Huh?" "What do you mean?" " You have the gall to talk about Jesse?" "You?" "You're not fit to pick the burrs off his coat." "You're not fit to clean the dirt under his claw." "Right." "Jesse's twice the man you are, and he's a bear." " Holling, what is the matter with you?" " I don't like him calling Jesse names." "Why not?" "You call Jesse all kinds of names." " That's different." " Different?" "How's it different?" "Doesn't sound any different to me." "Reminder:" "We'll be playing all the late Beethoven string quartets... tonight starting at 10:00." "Hey." "We got a message for Mr. Richard McWilliams... from the neither-rain-nor-snow people at the U.S. Postal Service." "Seems your well-traveled package has arrived." "You can see postmistress Ruth-Anne Miller to claim it." " Don't forget to bring some photo I.D. Now." " Oh, look at that." "How much do you suppose the dynamic duo's pullin' in?" "Ron and Erick?" "Well, they got a three-day package... at, uh, 850 a couple." "Say, eight couples?" "Turnover twice a week?" "That's, uh, hold on-hold on, let me think." " I don't know what that is." " $13,600 a week." "Whoo." "That's pretty hefty, huh?" "When I sold those fruits my place, I thought I skunked 'em." " Thought they overpaid." " Guess not." "Like any businessman, Chris," "I hate being bested in a deal." "But I particularly hate being bested by fairies." "Oh, great." "What now?" "You have a sec, Maurice?" "We'd like to talk." "You know, our guests were absolutely thrilled to meet you." " That a fact?" " Yeah, actually they used the word kangeki, which is hard to translate, but it means a kind of awesome joy." "Kangeki." "I suppose you speak Japanese, huh?" " Well, I'm not as fluent as I was in the corps." " The corps?" "Yeah, the Marine Corps." "I was a guard at the Tokyo embassy." "Anyway, we thought you might enjoy coming over tomorrow night and giving a little talk?" "You know, anecdotal stuff about your NASA days?" "The Japanese would really get a big kick out of that." "We'll pay you." "Uh, say, $500?" "Let me tell you gentlemen something." "I find it repugnant that visitors to our shore... have to stay in an establishment run by a couple of members of a deviant subculture." "What kind of an impression do you think that makes?" " All right, then, 700." " This is not about money." "Your lifestyle is a violation of natural law." "I'll have no part of it." " Am I missing something here?" " 750 and not a penny more." "All right, that's it." "Come on." "Get out of here." " Out." " All right." "But if you change your mind, you let us know." "Semper fi." "Hey, Holling." "Hey, I heard about Jesse." "You okay?" "Joel, have you ever been mauled by an animal?" "Uh, no." "Can't say I have." "Well, let me tell you." "Very few things in life can compare." "Yeah, well, I can imagine." "When I met Jesse, I was hunting up on Nanuk Ridge." "I'd just brought down a black-tailed deer and started to clean it." "That's when Jesse charged." "Ten feet tall, eighteen hundred pounds, and fast." "I didn't even have time to fire... before he knocked the Winchester right out of my hands." "He clamped his jaws down on my shoulder." "I heard the bones breaking." "Somehow, I managed to grab his paw, bit his toe off." "Jesse shook me hard, then threw me down on the ground just like a little stone." "A pebble." "I tried to run." "Jesse gave me a swipe." "He opened up a two-inch gash all the way down my back." "His second swipe broke my collarbone." "Sent me over the ridge into the wash." "God!" "I started crawling." "I made it back five miles... with my broken body to the camp." "And the one thing that kept me going, Joel- the one thing that sustained me through that long night- was the thought that one day..." "I'd come back and kill that bear." "Even since then, I knew that Jesse was out there... waiting for me." "And now... he's gone." ""I made you, paddle person, because I had a dream." ""A little wooden man smiled at me." ""He sat in a canoe on a snowbank on this hill." ""Now the dream has begun to come true." ""The sun spirit will look down at the snow, and the snow will melt," ""and the water will run downhill to the river, on down to the Great Lakes." ""Down again, on at last to the sea." ""You will go on with the water, and you will have adventures that I would like to have." "But I cannot go with you because I have to stay and help my father with the traps. "" "That's Paddle-to-the-Sea, folks." "The story of a little Indian boy... who sends a toy canoe on a journey that he himself is too young to take." "We do the same thing, you know?" "Pioneer, Voyager, Galileo." "Our standard-bearers in the eternal human crusade:" "Exploration." "And now we've hit the cosmic trail." "Why?" "Well, because Earth's played out." "You know, less than a hundred years ago," "Amundsen could've been the first human being to reach the South Pole," "Falcon Scott could've died trying." "And now" "Well, last year, China had to close down Mount Everest." "Too much litter." "The world's become a fragile place." "It's not to be conquered, it's to be protected, coddled, nursed, like a little baby." "What do we do now?" "We launch our surrogates into interstellar space, dreaming of that one fine day when we ourselves can go." "Okay." "I'd say it weighs about two to three pounds." " There's definitely some stuff inside." " Very strange." " Chess pieces?" " Seashells." " May I?" " Sure." "I know this sound." "I've heard it before." " What?" " Tackle box." "Fishing tackle." "Really?" "N-Now, see, I was almost sure there was something wooden in here." "You know, this reminds me of Carl Norell." "One summer when he was digging postholes and he hit something hard, thought it was a rock?" "Well, it wasn't." "It was a strongbox... that somebody had buried years and years ago." " Really?" " Wow." "One hit with a sledgehammer, and the lock snapped off." " And what was inside?" " Dimes." "Rolls and rolls of Liberty Head dimes." " Very exciting." " Sure changed Carl's life." "He quit his job, left his wife and moved to Denver." "Wow." "That's interesting." "Holling, now, don't go nuclear." "Ed and Milt and the guys worked real hard." "What?" "Good Lord." "Jesse?" "Yeah, um, well, you know, Holling, you said that one day, well, you'd bring back Jesse's head and hang it in the bar." "And, well, this way you've got his head and his claws and, well, his everything." "The guys, they all got together and brought Jesse here." "Just for you." "You know, we all felt really bad... 'cause you didn't get to kill Jesse yourself and, well, so" "It was really sweet of 'em, huh, babe?" " Holling?" " Hmm?" "I said it was really sweet of 'em." " Yes, it was." " Do-Do you like it, Holling?" "Very much, Ed." "He looks kind of like a big man, doesn't he?" "Yes, he does." "But Jesse was a bear." "Do-Do you think he'd go over better by the cigarette machine?" "Okay." "All right." "No, Holling." "I mean, only if you want him too." "I think it's fine right here." "Well, that's where he'll stay then." "Yeah." " Hey!" " Mr. Minnifield." " What do you people think you're doing?" " Sightseeing." "Your house." "Watch where you step." "I got tulips coming in there." "She says your house looks much bigger than it did in H.G." " H. G?" " House and Garden, June '89." "Oh." "You saw that, huh?" "That must've been before you added the porch." "Yeah, that's right." "Ah, you were going to go Gothic Revival in the study." "Oh, well, I decided to mix it up a little bit." "I've got a little bit of Edwardian in there, touch of Regency." "Hey." "You can come inside." "I'll give you a nickel tour." "Really?" "Well, nothing elaborate." "Just a walk-through." "Come on in." "Don't touch anything." "Be sure and wipe your feet." " Where is he, Marilyn?" " In there." " Hey, Fleischman." " Hey, O'Connell." "What's up?" " I need an X-ray." " What?" "What happened?" "Well, I'm fine." "It's for this." " That?" " Mm-hmm." "I'm a physician, O'Connell." "I treat people here." "I'm afraid that's a box." "I know." "But I need to know what's inside." " O'Connell, that's somebody's mail." " Exactly." "You want me to tamper with the mail?" "Well, it's not tampering." "Not technically." "Yeah, it is." " You're asking me to commit a felony." " Fleischman, this box." "Look at it." "It's circled the globe for four years." "I would think there'd be a statute of limitations." "O'Connell, I'm just gonna pretend this conversation never took place." "Fleischman, all I'm asking for is an X-ray." "A tiny, little, harmless, noninvasive peek inside." "Forget it." "No." "How can you look at this box and not be the least bit curious?" "Look at this." "Look at these postmarks." "Look at this." "This is from Suva." "This box has been to Suva." "I've never even heard of Suva, have you?" "Look, O'Connell, the box doesn't belong to me." "You understand that?" "Are you telling me you've never gone into someone's bathroom... and peeked inside the medicine cabinet?" "Never poked your hand through somebody's drawer?" "Never read your girlfriend's diary?" "Huh?" "Never?" "Well?" "Absolutely not, and I'm not doing it, all right?" "Why did I come?" "I should've known." "Fleischman, you are just not human." "Humans have inquiring minds." "I mean, a thirst to know." "You are just a thing." "A rock, a shoe, a two-by-four." "A person with absolutely no imagination and curiosity." "The, um, challenge in redecorating this place was to bring into harmony... the Alaskan landscape and the Victorian furnishings." "Actually, the two elements combine quite nicely." "Harmony." " Is the eagle new?" " Oh, yes." "I put in this banister last year." "Oh, here's something that really should interest you." "This suit of armor was presented to me... by the Emperor Hirohito, may he rest in peace." "It's the late Edo period, made by the master armorer, Muneyasu." "Note the intricate design on the Mogamido." "I would like to take this opportunity to tell you that I admire the Japanese people." "You have a very strong sense of culture and a very distinguished military tradition." "But, I do think it's time that you opened your markets to foreign trade." " Who is this?" " Oh, that's my son, Duk Won." " Your son?" " Yes." " He's Korean?" " Yes, he's Korean." "I know how you people feel about Koreans." "You treat them like criminals." "But this boy is my flesh and blood." "If you have a problem with that," "I'll be glad to oblige you by inviting the lot of you outside." " Apologies." " Accepted." "Now, let's go into the den." "I'll show you my rogues' gallery." "I've got Shepard, Grissom, all of 'em back there." "Mr. Minnifield, thank you." "You're welcome." "It's too bad you aren't coming to talk for us." " You are... a true flyboy." " Flyboy." "Well, let's, uh, go on back there." " Babe?" " Shelly, you're up early." " You going somewhere?" " Just for a couple of days." "By yourself?" "I'm afraid so." "You see, Shel, I've been feeling, well, like I've had the pins knocked out from under me." "But now I realize what it is." "I've got to find Jesse." " Jesse?" "Jesse the bear?" " Uh-huh." "But this is Jesse." "No." "No, it isn't." "It isn't?" "You see, Shel, that might look like Jesse, but it's not him." "Really?" "Huh." "Then who's he?" "It's nobody." "It's just a pile of bones." "Oh." "Then where is Jesse?" " He's in the Widowmaker cave." " The Widowmaker?" "But nobody's ever made it from one end of the Widowmaker to the other." " Nobody's even sure there are two ends." " I guess I'll just have to find out." "Well, maybe Jesse's just over by the lake or in the woods." "No." "Not Jesse." "Holling, I don't get this." "I don't get it at all." "You're starting to scare me." "Shelly, I love you more than anything else in the world, but this is something... that I've just got to do by myself, for myself... all alone." "Okay." ""The lower half of the falls was hidden in mist with a rainbow across it." ""Paddle fell through the rainbow and went on falling." ""Paddle had ridden rapids." "He had ridden the mad river..." ""and seen the rapids at the Soo so big the ships went around them." ""But these rapids" " Thirty-foot waves rushed like shooting stars," ""turning inside and out at every jump." ""Paddle flew up on a chain of wet volcanoes... and plunged deep in submarine dives... and took sudden trips toward the moon in green rockets. "" "There's probably a lot of folks out there, saying," ""Man, I'm never gonna have me a rush like that." "Earth's a parking lot and outer space is just too pricey."" "Let me tell you something." "There's lots of ways to blaze a trail." "I always think back to those unsung heroes of the past, like that prehistoric gourmet who looked at that lobster and said," ""I'm gonna eat that."" "Or the first healer who picked up a knife and said, "Let's operate, boys. "" "You see, adventures come in all kinds of shapes and sizes." "Like getting your hair cut." "Falling in love." "Even getting behind the wheel and backing out of the driveway... can be a sublime act of faith... as well as a monumental act of courage." "Okay, you know, that looks like a" "Oh, a what?" " Starfish." " Pin cushion." " A cookie-cutter." " Turn to the light a little bit, Ed." "Perfect." "Okay, let's see." " Aha." " "Aha" what?" "Christmas tree ornaments." " Hi, Dr. Fleischman." " How're you doing?" "Can I help you, Dr. Fleischman?" "Yeah, um, I need some batteries." "Some double A's." "They're over there next to the dog food." " Where'd you get that?" " Not that it's any of your business, but you're not the only one with an X-ray machine in Alaska." "The head of security at Sitka Airport happens to be a friend of mine." " Here you go." " That kind of looks like a garlic press." " Garlic press?" " Why not?" "Clearly, X-ray diagnosis is not your forte, O'Connell." " Really?" " Not that it should be." "I've known second-year residents who've read chest X-rays... who thought that a scapula was a pathologic process." "Okay, Doctor." "Why don't you tell us what's inside?" "Well, not that I approve of this, but, uh, in the interest of science, may I?" "Um, I take it this is the coronal view?" "From the top?" "Uh-huh." "Did you also get a lateral view and a posterior-anterior?" "No." "Okay, um, the problem here is the view is obscured by, um, what I assume is packing material, foam, maybe excelsior." "And the objects, as you can see, they overlap each other." " They vary significantly in density." " Wow." "Now, in terms of your garlic press," "I would say it's made of wood and it could be, uh, castanets." " Castanets?" " Well, it's an educated guess, O'Connell." "Now, in terms of these other masses, I would just be, uh" " I'd be shooting in the dark." "Thanks, Fleischman." "You've been a big help." "Well, they're obviously made of some soft material, so you'll never get a decent image with X-ray." " What you need is a C.T. Scan, or" " Or what?" " Open it." " Open it?" "Of course, I'm categorically opposed to that." "However, it's the only way you'll be absolutely, unequivocally certain about what's inside." "But you never heard that from me." "Ruth-Anne?" "Well, I'll have to get a consensus on that." "I'll call a town meeting." " Good evening, Maurice." " Evening." "Come on in." "I see you've done some work on the place." "Oh, yeah." "We were down to the studs." "A new floor, I see." "Well, we were going to refinish the parquet, but, uh, the dry rot was so bad, we had to replace it." "That's what you get when you buy an older house." "Look at the detailing though." "You don't find molding like this anymore." " That wasn't here." " No?" "We put that in." "Shall we?" " Hungry?" "The maguro is very fresh." " No." "Thank you." "We focused a lot of attention on creating an authentic performance space." "This is no Kabuki-za, but I think it does all right for a solo." "Do you know this?" "Now, you spent time in the Orient, Maurice." "Did you pick up any Japanese?" " Um, a little." " Yeah." "Well, it would loosely translate as," ""The gorgeously dressed maiden at the dojo temple."" "Oh." "Yeah." "Next month, we're gonna book some Kodo drummers." "Come on, Maurice." "Have a seat with us." " Good evening." " Hi, Maurice." "Glad you could make it." "Have a seat." "You know, everybody's really looking forward to your talk tonight." " Saki?" " Yeah." "Please." "Quite an operation you got here." "Well, we were pretty leveraged the first couple of months, but, uh," "Erick was convinced as long as we concentrated on the Japanese market, things would pan out." "His projections proved to be right on the money." "Tell you, Maurice, there's really no mystery to it." "You see, they come up here for the aurora borealis." "But they could get that in other northern latitudes" " Norway and Canada." "So we had to do something that made us really special." "Accommodations that really set us apart." " Kampai." " Kampai." "Yeah." "Hey!" "Hey, hey!" "Shh!" "Shush!" "Since Maurice couldn't be here, and the mayor's out of town, and the former mayor's off doing some guy thing, which he better not ding himself doing, me, being the former mayor's almost-wife, was asked to honcho this get-together." "Thank you." "Uh, so, without further ado, I'd like to" " Ruth-Anne." "I asked for this meeting so we could collectively decide... whether or not to open that package." "Excuse me." "Excuse me." "I would like to know if we actually have the authority to do that." " Authority?" " Yes." "Technically, no, Joel." "Well, I would like to go on record with that." "According to postal regulations, if an item remains unclaimed for 15 days, then it's sent to the Dead Parcel Branch in San Francisco." " Then what?" " It's opened, uh, by authorized personnel." "Wait a minute." "Wait a minute." "So, this package is going to be opened anyway?" " Well, yeah." "Sure." " Listen." "Now, I know I was the one who put forth the original idea of opening the package, but I was speaking hypothetically." " Theoretically." " Okay, Fleischman." "You're on the record." " You're off the hook." " I mean, don't get me wrong." "I don't believe in blind obedience to the law." "In my time I've ignored stop signs." "I've jaywalked." "I've had open fires on Jones Beach, but this- this is the U.S. Mail." "Since I was old enough to lick a stamp..." "I was taught that it's a sin to so much as hold someone's letter up to the light." "I was inculcated with the sanctity, the inviolability of the mail." " Way to go, little buddy." "Give it up." " Hear!" "Hear!" " What?" " Joel's got a point here." "Those postmarks are just a little bit more than bureaucratic hieroglyphics." " That's a symbol of a sacred trust." " Yes." "That package has been anointed and sealed." "It's like King Tut's tomb." "We open it at great personal risk." "Marilyn." " I'll take that risk." " Me too." " Way to go." "Right on." " "Right on"?" "It's the other side of the coin, Joel." "The-The bane and blessing of human nature." "Hmm?" "That old cat killer, curiosity?" "Yeah?" "Something so deeply embedded in our psyches... that it screams to us from ancient myths of-of..." "Pandora, Eve, Lot's wife." "Eve lost paradise." "Lot's wife was turned into a pillar of salt." "Hey, knowledge doesn't come cheap, my friend." "Good or bad, curiosity is woven into our D.N.A. Like- like tonsils or like the opposable thumb." "It's the fire under the ass of the human experience." "Some people look at this box, they see a box." "You know what I see?" "The spice route to India." "The gateway to the Nile." "I see the dark side of the moon." "Terra incognita." "I see Alaska, people." "What do you say, huh?" "Let's be a little human." "We all had to put in our time." "Fifty hours on the wheel." "Now, the wheel was a 50-foot arm with a gondola at one end... and 180 tons and 4,000 horses in motor at the other." "Now, going full tilt, it'd gut-punch you with eight G's." "I remember one time, late afternoon," "Gordon and I were walking down the hall, and we heard the thing running." "We walked in, and the thing was spinning like hell." "Now, nobody was scheduled to be taking a ride that day, so we wondered who in the hell was in it." "And then the thing shut down and just kind of whined to a stop." "Well, we looked in the gondola, and who do you think we saw?" "Nobody." "Not a soul." "The only thing we saw was a cocktail shaker with the lid duct-taped on... and a note from Shepard saying, "Cheers."" "It was the best damn martini I ever had." "Now, I'm sure that you folks know that, uh, us flyboys had a problem with the basic design of the Mercury capsule." "The engineers forgot to include a window." "Yeah, yeah." "That's right A window." "Now, uh, computer navigation and auto pilots were in their infancy then." "We were not gonna fly blind, but, uh, the eggheads just wouldn't hear us through." "Wait." "Wait." "Where'd you learn your manners?" "I'm not finished here yet." "Anyway, uh, one evening we all got together and, uh, got some chisels and saws... and snuck down to where the mock-up was, and, uh, and we cut a window in the damn door!" "Hey, where in the hell do you people think you're going?" " Hey!" " Thanks." "See you later." "I'm sorry, Maurice." "We really should apologize." "Well, I'd say so." "Well, it's just that, uh, Tsutomu ran long, and you got a late start." "What's that got to do with anything?" "The aurora borealis becomes very visible about 10:30." " So?" " That's why they come." "What, to look at the aurora borealis?" " Well, not to look at it, no." " To copulate under it." " What?" " It's Japanese folk wisdom." "If you consummate your marriage under the northern lights, you will have a gifted child." "Are you saying that they, uh, they're off having sexual intercourse?" " We assumed you knew." " Right now they're upstairs" " Pumping like pistons." " Making the beast with two backs." "Want some cognac?" " Is it almost time?" " Okay." "It's 9:00." " It's showtime." " It's your package, Maggie." "You open it." " Hey, wait up." " Oh, well, if it isn't the waffler." "All right, now, look, everybody." "I wanna remain crystal clear on this." "Opening that is wrong." "It's a terrible thing." "But as long as you're going through with it." "Okay." "I don't wanna rip it." "Are we ready?" "Wow." "What is all this stuff?" "Oh, look." "A conch shell." " Wow." " A mask." "Hey, look." "I Ching coins." "Castanets." "Castanets." "I told you." "Boomerang from Australia." " Look." " Sunglasses." "Hey, look." "Wait a minute." "Wait a minute." "I got a note here." "I think." " "June 8, 1988."" " Here." ""Hi." "My name is Richard McWilliams, and I'm eight years old." "Eight." ""School just got out." "Mom, Dad, Pam and me are going on a vacation to Lake Minnewaska." ""I wanted to go to Antarctica or Brazil, but Mom says we don't have the time or money, and besides, you have to get shots." ""Grown-ups are lucky because they get to go wherever they want." "Kids don't." ""That's how come I got the idea to send this box." ""I hope it goes to all the places I want to go." ""Please put something from your town inside the box and send it someplace far away." ""Maybe it'll go around the world." "Sincerely, your friend, Richard McWilliams." "P.S. My mom helped me write this."" " Oh." " Sweet." " Well, let's see what else is in here." " Look." " Morning." " Hey, Maurice." "I've been, uh, thinking about last night." " I'm sorry." "We should've warned you." " I guess that could really throw a person." "Yeah." "All that coitus taking place under one roof is a little disconcerting." "But I've gotta tell ya." "I applaud those people." "You know why?" "Because they traveled all this way and paid you boys top dollar... to procreate under our northern skies." "And they did it just to improve the next generation." "Those people have vision." "They, uh, can put aside... their own petty, little concerns in favor of the future." "If some of our G.M. Executives had been conceived under the aurora borealis, we wouldn't be in the mess we're in today." "Anyway, you fellas have foresight too." "You did your homework, stayed true to your vision." "Even though I despise your lifestyle and everything you stand for," "I have to give you credit." " Thank you, Maurice." " Yeah." "Thanks." "How about The Magnificent Seven?" "It's a good movie, Ed, but how does it represent us?" "Ruth-Anne, small, tight-knit, rural community." "I see." "Anybody else?" " Dried mushrooms?" " Morels?" " From my yard." " They might be classified as produce." "There could be problems getting them through customs." " Should we reconsider the moose?" " No moose." "No moose." "Wait a minute." "What about the willow ptarmigan plate?" " How about this?" " What is that, a fountain pen?" "Thermometer." "Now, it's been in the mouth of everybody in town, so?" " I like it." " Me too." " Okay." " Great." "We're set." " All right." " There it goes." "Now, where should we send it?" " Ed, would you care to do the honors?" " Okay." " Where is it?" " Barwana, India." " Sounds good." " Barwana, India." " Excellent choice, Ed." " Thanks." "Wow." "India." " Shelly." " Hmm?" "That's a mustard bottle." "Oh." "Go upstairs and lay down." "I'll take care of things." "No, it's okay." "I wanna stay here in case" " Oh, my God." " Shelly." "Holling." "Oh!" "Easy, hon." "I'm-I'm just a tad sore." "Well, look at you." "You're totally trashed." "Yeah." "Oh, Holling, I never should've let you go." " You could've bought the farm." " That's right." "What are you so stoked about?" "Shelly, it's been a long time since I've walked in harm's way." "Since one single false step could lead to a crippling injury or death." "I'd forgotten how good it feels." " Did you bonk your head?" " Several times." "I'm gonna call Dr. Fleischman." "I want him to come take a look at you." "Shelly, I'll go see Joel if you want me to, but not just yet." " Shelly, I found him." " Jesse?" "Mm-hmm." "He's still out there." " In the Widowmaker cave?" " Yes." "Jesse's in the cave." "He's also high on the mountaintop and deep under the ocean... and way out there in outer space." " Boy, oh, boy, he sure gets around." " Yes, he does." "No telling where you'll find Jesse." "In the closet." "The dark at the top of the stairs." "Under the bed." "He's always somewhere." "All we've got to do is gird our loins and go out there looking for him." "I'll go get cleaned up." "Pull some oxtails out of the freezer." "I'm gonna cook up some barley soup for the lunch special." ""For that instant, he looked like his own paddle." ""There was a song in his heart." "It crept to his lips, but only the water and the wind could hear." ""You little traveler, you made the journey." "The long journey." ""You now know things I have yet to know, you little traveler." ""You were given a name, a true name in my father's lodge." ""Good medicine, little traveler." "You are truly a paddle person." "A paddle to the sea."" "There you have it, folks." "I'd like to play this song for Richard McWilliams... and for the curious child who lives in each and every one of us." "Well, that's it then." "You were a bear." "You were a great big bear." "You were wild and you were free." "Godspeed, Jesse." "Ripped by subXpacio and TusSeries"