"Herc, ya hear that?" "Yeah, he's been on our trail for a while." "I think it's time he found us." " Please, Hercules, I need your help." " What's the problem?" " It's my daughter!" " What happened to her?" "She saw you defeat a giant, last year, and she's been obsessed about you ever since." "She's convinced that her destiny is to be yours and yours alone!" " So, what else is new?" " Hercules, she won't eat!" "She won't sleep!" "She won't listen to her mother or I!" "All right, all right, all right." "Listen, listen." "We'll, uh, go see if we can talk some sense into her." " Right." " Oh, wait a minute." "Who are you?" "I'm Iolaus." "You know, Hercules' best friend companion, comrade-in-arms, renowned in song and st..." "I don't know why I bother." "Have you really never heard of me?" "No, this is a delicate family matter!" "And my daughter's a flower, a gem, a goddess." " You'd only scare her." " She got a sister?" "Please, Hercules, we must hurry!" "My village is three days' travel!" "All right, uh, Iolaus, I'll meet you back here in a week." "No, no, no, Hercules, wait." "We were gonna go boar hunting." "Yeah, I know, I know, it's..." "we're close to Attica?" " Don't you have relatives there?" " Yeah, very distant relatives." "Aah, you'll have a good time." "Ha, you haven't spent time with my relatives." " One week, back here." " OK." "OK." "Fine." "Let's go." "Come on." "How did you find me, anyway?" " Villagers... come by every day." " Don't worry about me!" "I really enjoy crawling through the forest on my own." "You know?" "Every time you take a vacation you don't take a vacation!" "I can't believe that guy never heard of me." "Ah, hey!" "Hey!" "Hi." "Uh, I'm looking for your town hall." " Is there a problem?" " You don't know the way?" "No, this is why I'm asking." "I'm looking for some relatives who live around here?" "Thanks." "I'm going hunting." " Excellent shot, your Highness." " You nearly scared him to death." "Excellent strategy, your Highness." "What kind of men are you?" "Show yourselves!" " Who is that shouting?" " What?" "So I look like a deer?" "You could a killed me!" "Sorry, friend." "His High" "You know" "I don't believe it." "Hector." "Who is this uncommonly handsome stranger?" "This is the story of a time long ago." "A time of myth and legend, when the ancient gods were petty and cruel, and they plagued mankind with suffering." "Only one man dared to challenge their power-Hercules." "Hercules possessed a strength the world had never seen, a strength surpassed only by the power of his heart." "He journeyed the earth, battling the minions of wicked stepmother, Hera, the all-powerful queen of the gods." "But wherever there was evil, wherever an innocent would suffer, there would be Hercules." "The resemblance really is un, canny." "I think it was my great-grandmother, Althea." "She always said she liked Attica." "Now I know why." "And undoubtedly my great-grandfather, King Agoraphobius never could keep it in his codpiece." " Makes us cousins." " Hail, cousin!" "You know, Iolaus?" " It's good to be king." " You're not king yet, your Highness." "I know, but I soon will be." "And when I am..." "I'm gonna rule just like my father did." "May I remind your Highness about tomorrow?" "Are you tryin' to spoil my bachelor party?" "It is my responsibility to make sure the coronation" " is perfect, Sire." " Don't worry, Hector." "I won't disappoint you or Niobe, little twit." "I wonder if she still has those knobbly knees." "Hey, hey, hey, do you have knobbly knees?" "How about you?" "Niobe is not a little twit, your Highness." " She is a princess and your betrothed." " You know?" "If she's gonna be your wife don't you think you should pay her a little respect?" "It will make things a lot easier." "Yeah, you're right." "Yeah." "I mean, it's been a long time since I seen her." "It's been ten years." "Maybe she's changed." " Maybe she's a big twit." " Please, your Highness," "I beg you to prepare yourself for the coronation." "Your brother, Prince Minos, and General Archias will do anything to foil us." " You worry too much, old man." " I'm going to bed." "And I think you should do the same, your Highness." " Girls!" "Leave him!" " Hey!" "Hey, hey, hey!" "Are you denying my cousin the spoils of royalty?" "The evening's over!" "Good night." "It's all right." "I've had enough wine." "Well, I'm gonna need some more courage if I'm gonna face Niobe!" "Uh, well, I guess I'll hit the hay, too, your Highness." "Uh, call me Orestes, you're family." "Then I'm glad I made the trip, Orestes." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "General Archias!" "At ease, Pylon." "What news do you bring?" "Prince Orestes will not be attending the coronation." "His wine was drugged." "Today's tax collections." " Excellent." " I hope tomorrow never comes." "Prince Minos." "Oh, cease." "When Orestes, your brother, takes the throne tomorrow and marries Princess Niobe your power in Attica is finished." "It's not my fault my brother was born before me." "No, no, not your fault, Sire, but, uh, easily remedied especially when one considers how unfair it would be for Orestes to overshadow a man as shrewd and as powerful as yourself." " Well..." " May I?" "If you were king, think of the legacy that you would leave Attica a stronger military, bigger prisons for our political enemies." "I would need your wise counsel at every turn." "Oh, if your Highness would permit." " Go on." " With our increased might we could control the outer provinces and enlarge the kingdom." "You would be remembered as the greatest leader in the history of Attica." "And your marriage to Niobe..." " Uh, she's so beautiful." " would further consolidate your power." "Niobe hates me." "She must marry whomever is king for the good of Attica." " She could learn to love me." " Well, I hope you don't mind but I have gone and taken care of everything." "Tomorrow, you will be crowned king of Attica and Orestes will skulk away, the pathetic little creature, that he is." "Take him away and bring me a more worthy opponent!" " Yes, sir." " I knew I could trust you, Archias." "Oh, wait until my brother sees me wearing the crown he though was his." " Some kind of sleeping potion." " It won't kill him, will it?" "No, but it'll put him out of action for a while." " Who'd wanna do something like this?" " Aah, Minos is too weak to try it on his own, but he's jealous enough to encourage Archias." "Orestes'll never make it to the coronation." " Postpone it." " We can't." "If Orestes doesn't appear at the appointed time," "Minos will be crowned in his place and he'll be king until he dies." "Unless..." " Oh, no, no, no, no, no." " You look just like Orestes." "You could be crowned in his place and nobody would" " know the difference!" " Forget it!" " But you must!" " What?" "Are you crazy?" "No, we're trying to save our lives." "If you don't pretend to be Orestes," "Archias will have us all executed by sundown." "Your cousin will be dead." "Atticer fall to despots." " I couldn't fool anybody." " Well, granted, you're not exactly royal material, but, uh, if we teach you" "He's much older than I am!" "The wine and the women they've aged him." "Listen I've taken care of Orestes since his birth, and before that, I was proud to help guide" " his father's sovereign hand!" " I'm asking you to help him." "He needs you." "His kingdom needs you." "I've guess I've always wondered what it would" " be like to be king for a day." " Here, put this on." " We'll have to hide him." " Yeah, come on." "I'll help." "No, no, no, he's our responsibility." "And you're going to be king." "You should begin acting like one." "Sorry, your Highness." "Now, you're absolutely you got the words all perfect." "Stop fussing!" "Hector, I know the lines." "Come on." "When the sun hits the medallion on this wall, a shaft of light will illuminate the entire temple." " Yeah." " That's when you present yourself at the doorway walk on down the aisle to the priest." " Down the aisle, come on." " If you're not right on time," "Minos will leave the congregation, and present himself in your place." "Then I guess we better not be late, huh?" "One more thing." "If you make a mistake in the testing," "Zeus has decreed that you be beheaded immediately." "Now you tell me." "I can't believe it." "I'm gonna be king and Niobe will be mine." "Where is she?" "Patience, your Highness." "Niobe's not going anywhere." "Just, uh, try to look surprised when the priest calls your name." "Who dares to be king of Attica?" "Let him present himself to the gods." "I've been waiting for this all my life." "I do." " Why didn't they kill me?" " Tripping on your robe, doesn't count." "Tripping on your tongue does." "Archias, you promised me." "Something's gone wrong, your Majesty." "Stay right here." " Why do you think you are worthy?" " Because of the hereditary succession from my father King Oeneus and his father..." "King Xenophobius and his father..." "King Agoraphobius and his father..." "King Arachnophobius and on back through the ages to the time of the Titans!" "Speak the oath of allegiance or die in Zeus's name." "Oh, mighty Zeus, bestow your blessing on your unworthy servant and grant that I may rule Attica with the wisdom of Olympus!" "With this crown, your grace and wisdom shall enrich this kingdom for so long as you shall live." "All hail!" "To King Orestes!" "Hail!" "To King Orestes!" "Cool!" " Hey, who's that, Hector?" " You mean, Orestes didn't tell you?" "No?" "Whoever is crowned must marry Princess Niobe immediately." "Wait a second!" "Are you crazy?" "I don't even know her!" "How can I marry her?" " I gotta date her or something!" " Get in there." "Do you King Orestes take Niobe to be your sovereign queen and wife?" "Till death do you part?" "Uh..." "I do." "Do you Queen Niobe take Orestes to be your sovereign king and husband till death do you part?" " I do?" " You may kiss your queen." "Long live King Orestes and Queen Niobe!" " You look beautiful." " Oh, please" "No, no, really." "You're beautiful." "Look, I've done my duty to my family and the kingdom." "But I'd rather eat dirt than consummate this marriage after the hideous way you treated me all these years?" " Yeah, but" " I'm just glad you showed up or I'd be married to that cretin, Minos." "Look, I'm sorry you feel" "At least you're not as unattractive as I remember." "Unattractive?" "Look, I know I've taken a few punches in my time" "Come on!" "Let's see you kiss her!" " Once was enough." " Kiss her!" "You know?" "We all have our roles to perform." "Thanks, darling." "You didn't tell me I was gonna marry someone who hates my guts." "Uh, it's King Orestes who is married to her, huh?" "Yeah?" "Good luck to him." " No!" " What's the matter?" " Archias has Orestes." " How can you be so sure?" "Maybe he woke up and went back to the palace." " That's Archias' dagger." " Really?" " You have to help us." " Hey, wait a minute." "Maybe I can fake it for a day, but I'm no king." "I know!" "But this is no time to be picky!" "So you keep telling me." "Now, why can't we just rescue Orestes?" "The only place they'll hide him is Draxus, and it's too heavily fortified!" "Orestes'd before we could reach him!" " What do you expect me to do?" " Just what you're doing." "As long as you're on the throne Minos and Archias can't take the crown or marry Niobe." "Niobe." "Boy, how can I disappoint a woman who's so crazy about me?" "I didn't want you to kidnap Orestes just detain him long enough for me to become king." "Your Highness, there really wasn't any other way." "There is an imposter, masquerading as your brother, and we must flush him." "My brother is rotting in the dungeon right now." "Yes, but he's safer there than in anywhere else in the kingdom, the incompetent boob." "Besides, if we let him rule, he will plunge Attica in to anarchy." "But, how can I stop him?" "Why don't we arrange for the imposter's unfortunate demise?" "Bury him as King Orestes with all the ceremony of state." "You will be made king and I will take care of Orestes." "No." "I don't want you hurting him." "He's my responsibility." "As you wish, your Highness." "Pylon, take this to the imposter." "Huh, looks like you've used that thing before." "Someone has to protect Attica from those" " who want it destroyed?" " Who wants to destroy it?" "Your darling brother for one." "Niobe, did I say something to make you angry?" "How about the way you bad-mouthed me?" " Oh, I couldn't" " And your drinking?" " I don't drink that much." " And the women?" "If I didn't have to marry you to save Attica from rebellion, I wouldn't be here." " May I?" " You can't hit the side of a palace." "How did you do that?" "There are songs about how badly you shoot." "Sometimes those songs and stories you hear are greatly exaggerated." "Often, they're completely wrong." "I just want you to get the know the real me." " Niobe, I'm not really" " Sire!" "I'm sorry to interrupt." " What is it?" " We have a problem." " Minos' letter is obviously a trap." " Yeah." " We should take the bait anyway." " What?" "And risk failure?" "I can't just sit here." "Orestes may be dead." "And as much fun as you two are, I'd like to go home sometime, so let's go get him." "Yeah, but if you die, then they win." "I won't die!" "At least I hope I won't." "Hercules wouldn't." " Amazing, you look just like him." " He's a handsome devil." "If you find drunk playboys attractive." "Well, at least you kept your promise to come alone." "I should a known it was too good to be true." "I have no reason to keep a promise to an imposter." "If that's how you do business, fine." "Just tell me one thing is Orestes still alive?" " Yes." " You wanna tell me why?" "Because I won't kill my brother, but I will kill you." "Some king you'd make!" "Won't even fight your own battles!" "That's why I have guards." "So long, imposter." "Dinner?" " You get what I wanted?" " Yes, sir." "Why can't I kill the little prince myself?" "Now, now, let's not get too hasty." "We must keep Minos' feeble dreams of familial harmony alive." "And besides an unhappy puppet is an uncooperative puppet." "If Orestes were to die from a long regrettable illness, however..." "You know, I shouldn't be bothering with all this royal nonsense." "I should be out rescuing Orestes!" "Look, we have to wait for the right moment." "Besides, each morning after the crescent moon, the king must offer legal judgments." "You must behave exactly as Orestes would, otherwise, the charade is over and we're all dead." "Oh, great." "Thanks, Hector." "People of Attica!" "King Orestes and Queen Niobe will hear your complaints and pleas!" "Will the first litigant step forward?" "Now, remember, your Majesty, your father could only hear a couple of cases at one sitting." "Why so few?" "He didn't have the longest attention span." "But I wouldn't worry too much." "None of these people expect to get their case heard in less than a year." "You mean, they've been here before?" "Ooh, they come every month, your Majesty." "Some of them have been coming for years." "And what is the nature of this case?" "I haven't been paid my rent in two years." "And I don't have a decent roof over my head." " He won't fix it." " Will you hear the case, your Majesty?" "If you wish to say, 'Proceed.' If no, say, 'On to the next.'" " Proceed." " The tenant may speak first." "Well, your Majesty, it's like this." "From the day I moved in, it's been nothing but trouble broken promises the doors" "Case number four!" "Case number fourteen!" "Will you hear the case, your Majesty?" "Proceed." "Please rise." "I promise you'll get a fair hearing." " I'm afraid, your Majesty." " What are you afraid of?" "Your Majesty, this wretch refused to pay his taxes, and the traditional punishment hangs over his head." "Shall we do it now for your pleasure?" "No!" "Keep away from him." "What is the traditional punishment?" "Either they sell him and his family into slavery, your Majesty, or they kill him." "Please, get up." "You don't have to kneel." " What's your name?" " Epeius, your Majesty." "Well, Epeius, why didn't you pay your taxes?" "Especially when you knew the severity of the sentence?" "There's nothin' left to tax, your Majesty, nothin' left to take." "Your brother and his men, they... they eat our food use our land take my children into their service!" "They've... they've left nothing for my wife and me." "Now, you are the only one we can turn to." "If... if you choose to kill me, well, so be it." "At least, I've had my hearing." "I promise you won't die." "But I have to think about what you've said." "In the meantime you and your family will be my guests, here at the palace." "This is highly unusual, your Majesty!" " Those are my orders, Bailiff." " Oh, your Majesty." "Oh, thank you, your Majesty." "It's all right." "Show him to the palace quarters." "Thank you." "Court is adjourned!" "If you wouldn't mind" "I'd be pleased if you'd go walking with me." "I thought I was a drunken, degenerate, womanizing..." "Don't believe everything you hear." "Please I beg of you, Orestes, give up the throne and let me rule." " No." " Why are you acting like this?" " You never cared about being king." " I do now." "I fear for our father's kingdom under your pathetic rule." "You're just like him." "You both think I'm inadequate." "Well, look at me now, Orestes." "I'm not impressed." "If I can't live like a king," " I might as well die like one." " Well, that can be arranged." "But you don't have to watch, your Majesty." "I tried to save you." " Time for a little more medicine." " Let me help you, Sire." "Is what Epeius says true?" "Does Minos really abuse his subjects like that?" "You should know how little tolerance your father had for the powerless." "He always thought the people would be appeased if we got married." "But I was hoping to tell you a few ideas that" "I'd come up with not that I thought you'd listen?" " I'm listening, now." " All right, then." "People everywhere deserve certain basic rights and it's our job to make sure they keep them." "Well, what if I revoke the old tax laws and give peasants the same rights as landowners?" "That way, they could meet, uh, air their grievances and obtain justice." "It'd be taxation, but with representation for everybody." "Becoming king has changed you so much." " I really can't believe it." " Are you glad?" " Of course I am... for Attica..." " For Attica." "And for me." "I'm glad too." " Are you?" " Yes." "I'd resigned myself to a marriage without love." "You know, several of the stories also claim" " you're a terrible kisser." " Well, you know, uh, last time we kissed we almost lost the chance chance of a royal heir." "But I've been practicing." "You didn't have to do that!" "Why not?" "You were gonna kill me." " No, I wasn't." " Sure." "Orestes is dying." "I never wanted to hurt him." "I just wanted to be king." "But Archias is poisoning him." " Then you better stop Archias." " But I'm afraid of him." "If he can kill Orestes, he can kill me too." "And the troops that protect his fortress are loyal to him, not me." "OK." "Here's what we're gonna do." "You'll know I've been successful if the drawbridge opens." "Then you can rush the castle." "If it doesn't open, don't risk it." " Why not?" " Because he'll be dead, you idiot." "I don't like this." "If you don't succeed," " I lose both my kings." " Oh, you'll have a king..." "I promise." "Hey, guys!" "Halt!" "Hi, guys." "Hey, you know what?" "It's a beautiful night outside." "You should get out and enjoy it." " How did you get out a your cell?" " No, no." "I'm still in there." "He's not lying." "Look." "It's simple." "Who is it?" "It's your humble cousin, Cousin." "Come on." " How did you get past the guard?" " We gotta get you outta here." "There's only one way the two a you are gettin' outta here." "And that's dead!" "You always so melodramatic?" " Orestes, stay there!" " Don't slip now, little man!" "He can't talk to me like that." "I'm the king." "Ahh, not bad." "Ready?" " I just got that shirt!" " It's nice." "You're the most annoying little insect that ever crawled up the leg of a titan!" "Now!" "You!" "Are!" "Dead!" "Not till I teach you some manners!" "Missed!" "Hey!" "Orestes!" "I never thought I'd see the day!" "Maybe we should try it again, sometime!" "No!" "Maybe I was good for sum'in' after all." "Farewell, my brother." "So sorry." "Going down!" "Not without me." "You're getting angry, aren't you?" "Orestes?" " Yes?" " Yes?" "Now, I've gotcha!" "Iolaus!" "Throw down your weapons." "Now!" "My royal patience is running out!" "Help!" "He's hurt!" "Hector, get him to the palace healer." "He's been poisoned." "You're not Orestes, are you?" "I wish I was." "I'm sorry that men like you don't become king." "If men like me were kings, the world would be full of royalty." "No, my friend, there aren't many like you." "You've been our greatest king of all." "It's been an honor to serve you." "I wish it were forever." "Thank you." "Wait a second." "Aren't cha coming in?" "No, his Majesty wishes to see you alone." "Niobe and I would like to express our gratitude to you, Iolaus." " I was glad I could be of help." " You did more than help." "You healed our kingdom." "And you taught me the value of family." "Attica has never seen anyone like you." "I just hope I can rule with the wisdom you displayed." " I'm sure you will, your Highness." " Orestes." "I'll try and remember that when I'm back this way." "Is there nothing we can do to convince you to stay?" "No." "I've got a friend waiting at the Delphi crossroads." "I'm sorry, I haven't got the strength to see you off." "Niobe, would you?" "I'd be glad to." " Till we meet again, Cousin." " Goodbye, Orestes." "It's strange saying farewell to the man I thought I married." "You're lucky to have Orestes as a husband, Niobe." "Yes, I know." "Was it all an act?" "It was the only way I could convince Archias, uh" "I'm not talking about that, Iolaus." "I'm talking about you and me and what I thought we felt for each other." "No." "No, it wasn't an act." "Then there'll always be a place in my heart for you." " Hi." " Hi." " What happened to you?" " Well..." "No, tell me later." "Uh, I think it's a good idea if we got up and left here, now." "Just went." "Just got out of here" " What's the problem?" " Well, you know that" " obsessed maiden I had to go talk to?" " Yeah?" " Well, she, uh, is obsessed." " Hey!" " See?" " Yeah." "Oh, Hercules!" "You can't run from me forever!" "Oh, I'm going to make you mine if it's the last thing I do!" " This has to stop!" " No!" "No!" "Oh, I love you!" "I love" "You don't love me!" "You don't even know me!" "You!" "Miss!" "You must stop this behavior, immediately." "How can you admit you love a man, who says he can't love you back?" " Oh, but" " If you wanna find true happiness, you must return to your village and seek a man" " whose love equals yours." " Oh, no, no, but" "Go!" "Seek him." "Yes, your lordship." "How did you do that?" "You've never seen my royal touch, have you?" "Captioned by Grantman Brown"