"This dinner is delicious." "And I love that it's all finger food." "Grace, just 'cause you eat half a chicken like it's an apple doesn't make it finger food." "I'm cute." "Ooh." "You know how I love to talk about food I'm going to eat while I'm already eating food?" "We do." "Okay, check it out." "A great new noodle shop opened across from my office." "Happy Noodles." "You know, with all the ugliness in the world, a good noodle shop just seems to be God's way of saying everything's gonna be okay." "I believe that's from the book of "noodlerami."" "This menu rocks!" "Every dish is more incredible than the last." "Should I take the uppers down a notch, or do I actually care about noodles?" "You know, Will, since we're pairing off, what are we gonna do tomorrow night?" "Well, I was gonna go to this art opening." "Ooh, that sounds great." "I'd love to join you." "It's not a person named "Art," you understand?" "Yes, I know." "But there's always a lot of rich, old gay guys at those things looking for younger gay guys to take care of." "You know, the way Dick Cheney takes care of George Bush." "Fascinating." "It says his influences are Dali, Cezanne, and Monet." "Yikes!" "Look at the price." "Hello, "Dali." That's a lot of "Monet."" "Yeah, why don't you type that up and send it in to Smarty's Digest?" "Could you at least pretend to be interested in the arts?" "I am distracted!" "This place is chock-a-block with rich, old gay guys ripe for the pickin'." "Ooh, an 80-year-old in an ascot." "Wish me luck." "Anna, Anna, Anna, Anna Nicole, you're so outrageous..." "I saw that." "But don't worry." "I put a mushroom cap in that hat earlier." "I'm sorry, it's just" " Women in big hats tap a hidden rage in me." "You know what makes me mad?" "Squirrels in Central Park that make eye contact." "Very unsettling." "You know, you" " You have almost perfect features." "Actually, only yesterday, I gave your lips to a young lady for her sweet sixteen." "And your cheekbones to a Doobie Brother." "Ah, you're either a plastic surgeon, or I'm Mr. Potatohead." "Will, Will Truman." "I'm Alan Mills." "What is it you do, Will?" "I'm a lawyer." "Please." "You must have passed the bar at 12." "Stop it," "I" " I don't look that young." "Although when the judge calls a recess, I instinctively grab my juice box and run for the monkey bars." "Of course, the war brought us out of the depression." "Mm, yeah." "Depression's rough." "Yeah." "You know what pulls me out of it?" "New shoes." "New anything, really." "I love when people give me things." "If you like it so much, why don't you buy it?" "Oh, no, no, no." "It's a little out of my range." "If I'm gonna spend a ridiculous amount of money, I want it to be for something practical, you know, like a-- like a sweater." "Please, if people were practical, my only patients would be the occasional burn victim." "We're out of champagne." "I still have shrapnel in my spine." "Oh, Bertram, you're killing me." "You're funny, you're smart." "I just want to pick you up, put you on my hand, and make a wish." "Yeah, yeah!" "Can I have your watch?" "Congratulations, Mr. Truman." "You can pick this up after the show." "Well, no-- no, you made a mistake." "I--I didn't buy that." "That's right, I bought it for you." "Oh, oh, no." "No, Alan, I can't" " I can't take that." "Please, take it, darling, I'm rich." "And it gives me pleasure to see people who appreciate art." "Well, I" " I don't know what to say." "Thank you." "You know, there's another opening tomorrow night at the Locus Gallery." "Why don't we meet out front, say 7:30?" "That sounds nice, but I--I think" "Of course." "We have to eat first." "Make it 6:00 at the Mercer Kitchen." "Well, sure." "Ah, but" " But dinner's on me." "We'll see." "I'm in!" "Bertram asked for my number." "And to remind him where he was." "That guy just bought me this painting." "What?" "!" "I want a painting." "I want something." "Jack, you said you didn't have a watch." "Yes." "It's 9:30." "I'll call you tomorrow." "Honey, these noodles are terrif'." "And that's a big compliment coming from me." "I'm Asian." "They're amazing, aren't they?" "I just want to strip naked and writhe around in a giant take-out container full of them." "And I guess I'm done." "Well, here is your Happy take-out order." "Yay, I'm so excited." "I can't wait 'til I'm hungry again." "You know, Happy noodles really do make me ha" " Ow!" "Oh, no, my beautiful noodles." "Grace, please!" "The girl will do anything to get a peek at my pie." "Don't worry miss, uh, we will take care of it." "I am so, so sorry." "I didn't know that they were gonna be that hot." "I guess I'm gonna need another order." "Absolutely." "That's $7.95." "I shouldn't have to pay for that." "It's replacement noodles." "You order noodles, you have to pay." "Are you kiddin' me?" "This was totally your fault." "Everyone knows, if someone brings you something hot, they're supposed to say, "hot plate, hot plate."" "And the top wasn't put on properly." "You're supposed to go-- "Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch" -- All the way around." "But you, you were like, "Ch-ch-ch " " I'm tired."" "$7.95." "You know what?" "You just made the biggest mistake of your life, my friend." "Big mistake." "I am not someone that you want to trifle with." "You don't want to trifle with her." "You are gonna rue the day that you ever messed with Grace Adler." "Grace Adler is a mess." "I know a lot of noodle lovers." "And when I tell them what happened at Happy Noodle, they're gonna snub you hard and walk the extra ten feet to Lucky Noodle." "Good-bye." "You hear that?" "She's bi." "So, Ellen, swear that you will never eat at Happy Noodles again." "Swear on your mother's life." "Oh, when did that happen?" "Oh, sorry." "Okay." "Anyway, don't eat there." "Honey, why?" "Why do you care about this so much?" "Because at some point in your life, you've gotta start caring about something." "And I'm starting with this." "I know that it seems small compared to homelessness, and the war in..." "Zazamzia..." "But..." "Still, evil exists when good men do nothing." "About noodles." "Hey." "Sorry I'm late." "I had to walk Bertram home from our date." "That's right." "Walk." "My millionaire believes in being thrifty." "I tell ya, if there was a step he took that didn't have a fart after it, I didn't hear it." "It sounds like this woman in my office." "Boy, can she let 'em rip!" "Pew." "Stinky." "Um, so where's Will?" "I thought we were all supposed to have dinner together." "He's probably out with Alan." "Ugh." "Those two are meant for each other." "Alan's got a fortune, and Will's got four chins." "Who's Alan?" "I don't know this Alan." "Will bagged himself a rich, old dude." "Yep, our Will's a trophy boy." "Meanwhile, all I got was this bus schedule and you do not want to know what I had to do to get this." "You are crazy." "Will would never go out with someone just because they're rich and they could buy him things." "Guys, guess what?" "Alan just bought me a horse!" "Alan, these are" " These are my friends." "This is Jack, Karen, and Grace." "Hi, nice to meet you." "A pleasure." "Wait 'til you see the cowboy hat." "Will thinks he can't wear it with the new bathing suit, but when he puts on that bolo tie, it just pulls the whole outfit together." "Try it on, Will, let's see what they think." "All I did was say that I liked Stetson cologne, the next thing I know, I've got a hat and a horse." "Yeah?" "Wow." "Yeah?" "It takes me back to the old west." "The old West Village." "Yeah." "Howdy, domestic pardner." "Oop, sorry, gotta run." "I've gotta give the local traffic girl the ass of the local weather girl." "Nice to meet you all." "Uh, Will, I snuck a little something into the Gucci bag." "It better not have been" "It might have been." "Oh, God, I don't believe it!" "Leather pants!" "Oh, Alan, you did not!" "I'd have never gone to Hermes if I thought he was gonna buy me everything I pointed to." "What?" "You've got a sugar daddy!" "What?" "!" "This is so unfair!" "I would do a sugar daddy for a horse." "Hell, I'd do a horse for a sugar daddy!" "I do not have a sugar daddy." "I resent the implication." "There is nothing going on here." "I happen to have a wealthy, older friend who--who likes to be in the dressing room when I happen to be trying on swimsuits." "Oh, my God, I have a sugar daddy!" "Don't eat here." "The noodles are hot and they charge for them." "Okay, don't eat here." "The noodles are hot and they charge for them." "I don't see the problem." "Look, I don't have time to tell you the whole story." "It's on the flyer." "Okay, I'll read it while I eat my noodles." "Thanks, I appreciate" "Hey!" "Hey, you can't do that in here." "Well, it's cold outside." "Look, you're gonna have to leave." "Fine, but this isn't over." "I've got friends, you know, friends who love cheap Asian food with unisex bathrooms." "And every single one of them has sworn a solemn oath not to eat here until some serious changes are" "Honey, I need some more hoisin sauce." "And could you top off my Sprite?" "What the hell are you doing here?" "!" "Stay perfectly still." "Karen, just because you're not moving doesn't mean I can't see you!" "Honey, calm down." "So I slipped once." "Here you go, Karen." "And since you've been here every day this week, this one is on the house." "And, oh, be very, very careful." "Hot plate, hot plate." "C'mon, Karen, I'll be lady and you be the tramp." "This isn't about noodles." "This is about supporting your friends." "And if it's important to me, it should be important to you." "Shame on you." "Whew." "Somebody needs to get laid." "Uh, Alan, I" " I want to talk to you." "First, I have a little something for you." "See, that's what I want to talk about." "What, I can't hear you when the lid is on." "Alan" "Chanel Apres ski boots?" "Shut up!" "I've always wanted these and never, ever needed them." "Well, you'll need them now for our little ski vacation in the Swiss Alps." "And don't bother packing, I've got everything you need." "Whee!" "No!" "No." "No, I can't." "Look, I, uh" " I really appreciate all the gifts, Alan." "And--and everything, but I" " I think you may have the wrong idea about our relationship." "And what would that be?" "Well, I don't know." "You give me all this stuff." "Maybe you're expecting something in return." "Something?" "Something... more than a handshake." "A hug?" "A hug... with friction." "You think I'm trying to get you into bed?" "Well, Alan, come on." "You" " You're a wealthy, older gentleman who appreciates art, and-- And you said yourself, I resemble Michaelangelo's David." "If David was on a strict, low-carb diet." "I also appreciate Sumerian urns, but I never tried to hump one." "Will, I think of you as a friend." "I happen to be very generous with my friends." "If that confused you, I'm sorry." "Alan, I'm so embarrassed." "You know what?" "I think we're done here." "You can let yourself out." "And leave the boots." "Is that... vodka?" "Unbelievable." "Oh, are we drinking?" "I'll join you." "Don't bother." "I only drink with my friends." "Oh, come on, honey, I couldn't stay away." "Those noodles are so good." "But that is just the point." "Don't you get it?" "This is about taking a stand." "And the only stands that are worth taking are the ones that really cost you." "You think this boycott's been easy on me?" "Not a day goes by that I don't think about a big bowl of buckwheat noodles." "wimming in a savory broth, with just a few small pieces of tempura gently floating on the top." "Or one of those round pieces of pork that the edges are still red, and then you--and then you take the little shaker with--with red pepper, I think it is-- and you sprinkle it very, very lightly on" "Oh, the boycott's over." "I'm starving, let's go." "I hope Alan's here." "I want to apologize to him." "I..." "I really blew it." "I thought you said nothing happened." "Ha-Ha!" "Wak, wak, wak!" "What happened with you and Bertram?" "Did you get that subway map you had your eyes on?" "We broke up." "He wouldn't come out to his mom." "Hey, there's Alan." "I'm gonna go talk to him." "I hope we can get back what we had, you know, a relationship of equals." "Where one of the equals never has to bring a wallet." "Interesting." "You know, I think I did that in snow once." "Hello, Will." "You know, I thought of you just today." "I sent off a contribution to the Howard Dean campaign." "I hope he didn't take it the wrong way." "Okay, I deserved that." "Look, I misjudged you and-- and I'm so embarrassed that I went to such a cynical place." "Oh, thanks, honey." "It-it's just" " I-I've never" " Hi." "I-I've never" " I've never had a friendship with someone like you before, and it's not just the age thing, it's--it's" " Okay, what's going on here?" "That is my outfit." "Was..." "Heh." "And Sebastian fills it out so much better." "I'm curvy where it counts." "So, he's" " He's what?" "My replacement?" "Oh...replacement's such an ugly word." "True, but ugly." "Face it, you're getting to be a little long in the tooth for a boy toy." "I am not!" "I could totally be a boy toy." "You keep telling yourself that, grandpa." "Hey, hey, hey..." "There are plenty of people who would buy me." "You know, and-and-- and it wouldn't take any Chanel Apres ski boots either." "There isn't a single old guy here who couldn't have me for a lot less!" "What a proud moment for you." "Come on, Sebastian, let's get you tanned" "Don't worry about me." "I'll be fine." "I'm 29." "I'll bounce back." "When did this happen?" "When did I get too old to be a boy toy?" "Oh, Will." "About ten years ago." "But look at the bright side." "You're now the older man with money." "You can actually have a boy toy." "Yeah, right, like" " That is kind of cool." "I could make some hot young guy my plaything." "Oh, no, thank you, I think we're better off as friends." "You're sure?" "I'd get you a metro card to go with that bus schedule." "Ew, no." "Get away from me." "What would you do for a Sunday paper?"