"Oh." "Oh, hello." "It won't be but just a minute." "Oh, Bob." "Uh..." "You want me to clear you for takeoff?" "No." "No, no, no." "I just did my nails." "Could you pick up the phone?" "Hello?" "Hello?" " No." "One hello is plenty, Bob." "They hung up" "Well, probably wasn't important." "It was my line." "Do I have any messages?" "Yeah." "Just one." "Mr. Carlin's coming to see you in a little while." "He just needs 15 minutes." " Fifteen minutes?" "Did he say why?" "Mm-hmm." "He got mugged on the way to work... his stocks went down ﬁve points... and they found what was left of his stolen car in Hawaii." "He thinks he's depressed." "I would hope he's depressed." " Give him an hour." "Oh, bless your heart." "Oh, Bob." "Listen, Bob." "Before you go into your office, there's a little something in there..." "I better explain so you don't throw it out by mistake." "It's not a patient, is it?" " Oh." "Uh, where is it, and what is it?" "Ta-da." " What is it?" "It's a baby grapefruit, Bob." "I grew it from a seed." "Now, can you imagine what that feels like?" "I'm the only mother it's ever known." "Why is it here?" "Why isn't it home in its crib?" "All my plants do so well in your office." "I guess it's the vibes in here." "I mean, they listen to your patients' problems and troubles all day." "It makes the plants feel emotionally superior." "Well, Carol, I'm glad I'm helping out your leafy friends, but... don't you think it's getting a little humid in here?" "I can't keep a crease in my pants." "Hey, Bob." " Hi Jerry" "What are you gonna do tonight?" "Uh, nothing." " That's what you think." "Tonight is Monday, and what happens on Monday night?" "The trash goes out." "What else?" " I go out with it." "Football, Bob." "Monday Night Football, and it starts tonight." "Hey, that's right." "That's fantastic." " Isn't it?" "What are you guys so excited about?" "It's just your basic football, isn't it?" "Yes, but it's on Monday night." "Jerry, let me handle this." "See, Carol, Monday is kind of a bad day for most people." "Hmm." " I mean, the weekend is over." "The long workweek is starting." "Restaurants are closed." "The theater is dark." "Monday stinks, Carol." "So?" " Let me put it this way, Carol." "Not many guys ask you out on dates Monday night, do they?" "Oh, Jer, is that why?" " Exactly." "Oh." "Now if I can just figure out the problem the rest of the week." "See, Carol, Monday Night Football is something we look forward to... uh, that we enjoy." "It helps us release our tensions." "No kidding." "You get that from football?" "Sort of." "Well, each to his own." "I don't think she understands, Bob." "I know, but that's as close as she's gonna get." "I'll tell you what." "Come over to the house... we'll have dinner, we'll watch the football game." "Great." "But tell Emily not to go to any trouble." "Jerry, you're no trouble." " Thank you, Bob." "Bob, Mr. Carlin's here." "Oh." "What kind of shape is he in?" "Well, let me put it this way, Bob." "Where does he sit?" "Right there." "He's gonna be great for my grapefruit." "Hi, honey." " Hi, honey." "Hi, Jerry." " Hi, Emily." "Jerry, you shouldn't have." "I didn't." "Oh, that." "Uh, it's a little something." "Oh, that was very thoughtful of you." "Thanks, jerry." "Hello, love." " Hi." "Uh, are we having company?" "No." "We're having dinner." "That's for the three of us." "Yeah, but, honey, I told you." "Don't go to any trouble." "Oh, it wasn't any trouble." "I just threw some stuff together." "That's the hot salmon mousse." "Hey, Bob." "Kickoff's in five minutes." "Right." "Uh..." "Honey, I know we were rushed, and maybe you misunderstood me... but, uh, I did say, you know, don't fuss." "Oh." "That's the quiche lorraine." "No, I didn't fuss." "Right it is a beautiful night for the game." "Bob, is that football?" "Bob, come on. they're introducing the starting lineup." " In a minute, Jerry." "It is football." "But today is Monday." "The game was yesterday." "Yeah, this is, um, Monday Night Football" "Oh, no." "Has it been a year already?" "Bob, they're flipping the coin." "You're gonna miss the whole thing." "Right." "Honey, I know you put a lot of thought and effort... and energy into this dinner." " Bob..." "Are you gonna ask me if you can eat in front of the television set?" "Eventually I was gonna ask you that." "Okay" "And Miami wins the toss." "Oh, Miami won the toss." "Darn it!" "Why darn it?" " Oh, I bet Tupperman five dollars New York would win the toss." "Uh" " Uh" " Uh" " Uh..." "Uh" " Uh" " Uh" " Uh" " What?" "Nothing." "Nothing." " Oh." "Well, dinner's coming." "Oh, boy." "New York's just gonna kill 'em- Just gonna rip 'em apart, Bob." "Five dollars." "I'll take New York." "You take Miami." "No." "I'll take New York." "You take Miami." "Okay." "Okay they're lining up for the kickoff." "Oh, uh- uh- uh..." "Uh..." "Uh, does anybody want wine with dinner?" "Not now, thanks." "I'll have a beer during the commercial though." "Honey, the food is delicious." "He dropped that beautiful pass." "In his hands, and he dropped it!" "Honey, what's the matter?" "Oh, I just thought I'd get the beer." "Maybe it'll help me get in the mood." "Time-out." "Uh, Jerry, excuse me." " Uh-huh." "Honey, can I talk to you for a minute?" "Bob, they're starting again." " Uh, right after the next time-out or.." "The next commercial, whichever comes first." "There's a dog on the ﬁeld." " I can talk to you now." "Watch the dog, Jerry." "What's the matter, honey?" " Well, Bob... to tell you the truth, I feel a little left out." "I mean, I don't understand football that well." "Honey, I don't want you feeling left out." "I'll explain it to you." "Thank you." "Jerry." " See, now that's a dog on the ﬁeld." "Oh." " Emily, what is it exactly you don't understand about football?" "What do they do with the ball?" "What?" " Well, a man takes the ball, and he puts it between his legs... and then another man wipes his hands on a towel, and then they all hide the ball." "Well, you have to watch for it." "See the guy running?" "Now he has the ball." " Well, which one?" "They're all running." "I mean, even the men in the striped shirts are running." "Ooh!" " He isn't running anymore." "See, the ball is under that big pile of guys there." "Well, that's what I like about basketball." "You can always see the ball." "Yeah, but, honey, that big pile of guys knew who had the ball." "How come you didn't?" " Hey, hey, hey, Bob." "Maybe it's a bit like teaching your own wife how to drive." "Let me try." "Emily, they're gonna start soon." "See the ball on the ﬁeld there?" "Yes." "That man has it." "The one who's bending over." " Right." "Good." "Now, the man standing behind the man bending over is called the quarterback... and he always gets the ball first." " Uh-huh." "The ball's snapped." "Quarterback's got the ball." "He's handing off to Number 31." "Number 31 is handing off to Number 49." "Except he didn't!" "It's a fake." "Number 31's got it, and he's bringing it around the end." "Go on." "Get him." " Go on." "Get him." " Go on." "Get him!" " Go on." "Touchdown!" "Fluke." " Uh, I still don't see the ball." "Well, that's because they threw it up into the stands there." "Well, why?" " Because they're happy." "Well, how can they play without a ball?" "They'll get the ball back." "See the usher in the stands chasing the kid with the ball?" "Uh-huh." " Go on, kid." "Go on, kid." "Go, kid." "Go!" " Go on, kid." "Go on, kid." "Oh!" "He should have lateraled to his friend there." "He should have gone in the tunnel instead of for the stairs." "Yeah." " Boys, you got yourselves a dumb game there." "And now back to play" "Hey, Bob." "Wasn't that fantastic last night?" " Yeah." "Great." "Really great." "Oh, yeah." "Yeah." "Thank you, Bob." "Listen, maybe we can do it again next Monday, huh?" " Sure." "Uh, I hope that Emily wasn't, uh- you know." "No, no." "She very often goes to bed at 8:30 at night." " Oh." "Listen." "Tell her that next Monday night I'm buying the dinner." "I'll bring over a barrel of chicken." " Great." "Yeah, Carol." "Emily on two, Bob." " Thank you." "Tell her I want to thank her." " Uh, honey?" "Jerry says to thank you." " Tell her the dinner was sensational." "He says the dinner was sensational." "Tell her that next Monday night I'm buying the barrel of chicken." "Am I in the way here, Jerry?" " Oh, I'm sorry." "Emily?" "Sensational just isn't the word for it." "And I'm buying the dinner next Monday." "What do you like?" "Breasts or thighs?" "She wants you, Bob." "Yeah." "Hi, honey." "Well, of course it's every Monday." "That's why it's called Monday Night Football" "Well, I, uh- I can't talk right now." "Well, there's a person in the office." "Well, Jerry counts as a person." "Now there are two people in the office." "And a lot of plants." "Excuse me, Bob." "Mrs. Walker is waiting." "Honey, I got a patient waiting now." "Yeah." "It's getting awfully crowded." "Well, I, uh- I can't talk right now." "We'll talk when I get home." "Right." "Right." "Good-bye." "Right." "Good-bye." "Right." "Right." "Good-bye." "Good-bye." "She was giving you a little heat there, wasn't she, Bob?" "No, no." "She's just a little hot." "It's my fault." "I shouldn't have come over last night." "I won't come next Monday." "Hey, Jerry." "I'm not gonna feel guilty because I invited a friend over to watch football." "Oh." "Well, Bob." "I can understand." "See, uh, my brother has the same problem." "His wife won't let him watch roller derby." "Jerry." "I don't have any problem." "I'm gonna watch football next Monday night." "I mean, my wife doesn't tell me what to do." "I mean, really." "Oh, I believe you." "I mean, really." "I believe you, Bob." "Listen." "I've got two tickets to the White Sox game Friday night." "You want to come?" "Gee, the timing's a little bad, jerry." "Ah." "I understand." "They're my brother's tickets." "His wife wouldn't let him go either." "Hi, honey." " Hello." "Whew." "I'm beat." "Boy, those Tuesday night group sessions really take it out of me." "We went through five boxes of Kleenex." "Imagine that." "A five-box night." "Sit down and eat." "Thanks." " So, you're really tired, huh?" "Exhausted." " Good." "That probably means I'll win this argument." "What argument?" "You may not know it, Bob, but we're having an argument." "Honey, I've been involved in a lot of arguments tonight." "Uh, can you remind me which one this is?" "Well, this is Tuesday night." "You're having your dinner at 10:00... because you have group therapy on Tuesday." "Now, Wednesday you go to the clinic." "Thursday I take a class." "Friday we're both tired." "Saturday, football." "Sunday, football." "And now Monday night, football." "Oh." " And I do not feel like sharing my Monday nights... with you and Howard Cosell." "Honey, you make a good case." "I must admit." "You make a very good case." "Oh, Bob." "I've been struggling with this all day." "I mean, it's not that I want to control you." "It's just that I'm fighting for my own rights." "Did I say good case?" "You make a great case." "Oh, Bob." "I knew you'd understand." "But unfortunately, it's not as great a case as I make." "And I'm gonna watch Monday Night Football" "You're serious, aren't you?" " I'm tired." "Can I have, uh, some dessert?" "We've got a banana cream pie." "I love banana cream pie." "All I want to do is have some banana cream pie, crawl into bed." "Bob, you can't go to bed." "Why can't I go to bed?" " Because I'm mad." "Oh, no." "No." "You're not gonna pull the vow out tonight." "Bob, what good is a vow if you never pull it out?" "I mean, we promised each other we'd never go to bed mad, and I'm mad." "Honey, couldn't you go to bed happy tonight and mad tomorrow night?" "No, Bob." "I can't do that." "Well, the vow isn't gonna work anyway because, uh, I'm not mad." "Oh, you're mad, Bob." "Really." "I'm not mad." " Yes, you are." "Hey." "I'm not mad." " Yes, you are." "I am really not mad." "Now I'm mad." "Emily, it's clean." "That's the third time you've vacuumed this apartment." "If we're not gonna talk, I might as well do something constructive." "I am perfectly willing to talk." "Oh, all right." "Well?" "Well, it's been so long, I forgot what the fight was about." "I just think you're being a little selfish and inconsiderate." "That's all." "I mean, you watch football on Saturday, you watch football on Sunday... and I don't think it's too much to ask that we spend our Monday nights together... and that's what we're arguing about." "Oh, yeah." "Yeah." "I remember." "We're arguing about the fact that I'm a 40-year-old man... and my wife is telling me what I can and cannot watch on television... in my own living room, in my own house... in my own life." "Bob, I hate the way you argue." "You're so casual." "You never yell." "I know why you're saying I never yell.." "Because you want to yell, but you don't want to yell first." "That's another thing that infuriates me." "You always think you know why I'm saying what I'm saying." "That is not true." "And I know why you said that." " Oh!" "All right." "All right." "I have a suggestion." "Since we can't seem to yell about what's bothering us... we'll write down what's bothering us on a piece of paper." "Be sort of like yelling on a piece of paper." "Oh." "Fine." "That really sounds fine." "Now, you write all the things that are bothering you about me... and I'll write down all the things that are bothering me about you." "Bob, I know what to write." "Emily." " More paper, please." "Uh, operator, is it possible for you to ring the number that I'm calling from?" "Uh, 726-7098." "Thank you." "Emily." "Yeah." "You can come out of the bedroom." "I was wrong, and you were right." "Oh, Bob." "I was wrong about item 46." "I did leave my socks in the hall..." "three years ago." "What about item one?" "No." "You're wrong about that." "I'm... still gonna watch football on Monday night." "Well, if anybody wants me, I'll be in the bedroom." "Emily come out of the bedroom." "Stop fighting right now... 'cause I have a deal for you." "I will trade you items two through 46... in exchange for item one." " Now that is a great deal." " Tell you what, Bob." "I'll make a deal with you." "I'll trade you items two through 46 if you give me item one." "That's a rotten deal." "Okay" "I'm trying to be patient with you." "That's another thing I forgot to put down on the list..." "How abnormally patient you are with me when we fight." "Are we expecting anybody at 4:00 in the morning?" "No." " Who is it?" " Somebody with a blue eye." "Uh, Howard has a blue eye." "Howard, is that your blue eye?" " Hi, Bob." "How are ya?" " Hi, Howard." " Honey, guess who's here?" " Oh." "Well, if it isn't Howard." "Hi, Howard." " I thought you were in New York, Howard." " I was." "Howard was in New York, Emily." "Yeah." "I was flying home, and I saw the lights on in your apartment." "You know your lights are the only ones on for blocks?" "I'll be darned." "Well, since you're up, I, uh, thought I'd stick around." "I got a problem." "Got a minute?" "Sure, Howard." "Well, to tell you the truth, Howard.." "We are having the longest argument in the history of our marriage." "No." "I think the longest one was when you wanted to buy a cat." "Who won that argument?" " You don't see a cat around here, do you, Howard?" "You know, I forgot about that." "Uh, what's the.." "What's this argument about anyway?" "Howard, I don't think you're gonna want to get into it." "Howard, it's very simple." "I want to watch Monday Night Football" "That makes sense." "A man likes football..." "I mean, uh, that makes a lot of sense." "What's wrong with that?" " Well, the problem is, Howard..." "Bob works late on Tuesday night, Wednesday night he's at the clinic..." "Thursday I take a class, Friday we're both tired..." "Saturday, football, Sunday, football, and now Monday night, football." "Do you get the picture?" " Too much football." "Yeah." " Ah, that makes sense too." "Thank you, Howard." "You really helped a lot." " That was a big help." "What's a friend for, you know, if you can't help one another?" "I gotta hand it to you." "You two really argue well." "My ex-wife and I never argued well." "I mean, I won them all." "Except the one about the alimony payment." "Boy, did she win that one." "Well, look, I can find my way out." "Okay." "Where were we?" "Item 23, grunting while exercising." "Now, what's wrong with that?" "Bob, to tell you the truth, I'm perfectly happy living with all the other things... but when you want to talk about item one, just let me know." "Is that the news?" " No." "It's a war movie." "Want to take a break and watch somebody else fight?" "You know, it's amazing how many war pictures that Japanese actor's been in." "He always gets shot out of the sky in every one." "There he goes again." "Bob." "Bob." "Bob." "Just resting my eyes." " Oh." "You broke our vow." "You went to sleep." "I didn't go to sleep." "I fell asleep." "Besides, I didn't even fall asleep." "I just dozed off for a few seconds." "What's that?" "Just dozed off, huh?" "You slept through the entire Second World War." "Oh, Bob." "Let's go to bed." "I'm not mad anymore." "Who won?" " The Americans." "Who won here?" " I don't know... and I don't care, and that's why I'm not mad anymore." "Let's not go into it, 'cause I'll get mad all over again, and we'll never get to bed." "So let's just forget about it for now." "Okay." "But, you know, it's gonna come up again sooner or later." "Uh, later." " Let's go to bed." "Good morning it's 7:00 in Chicago." "And oh, what a beautiful morning it is." "Traffic is moving as well as can be expected for this hour." "There is a bit of a tie-up on the northern Michigan Avenue turnoff" "Weather forecast for Chicago and vicinity..." "What do you want for breakfast?" "Lots of coffee." "You want some banana cream pie with it?" "I don't think so."