"I thought it was terrible." "I don't recall seeing anything this bad." "You're not kidding." "This man is sick." "What is this thing?" "This was supposed to be a comedy." "That was the most horrifying thing I've ever seen." "Seagulls!" "Dead cars!" "Just horrible." "This is a disgrace!" "He has no balance left." "I think the guy's losing his mind." "Cut that projector." "Something wrong with him." "He's out of balance." "He's not funny anymore." "What self-indulgence!" "The man's lost his mind." "Let's not panic." "We can take the film from him." "We can reshoot it, recut it." "Maybe we can salvage something." "He's pretentious." "His filming style is too fancy." "His insights are shallow and morbid." "I've seen it all before." "They try to document their private suffering, and fob it off as art." "What does he have to suffer about?" "Doesn't the man know he's got the greatest gift" " The gift of laughter?" "I don't think I'm gonna make it." "We're sitting in what looks like a truck route or something." "I don't know what the hell's goin' on." "Hold on one second." "George, that guy's parked, you know." "You can drive around him." "It's crazy." "The town is jammed." "Is the Pope in town, or some other show business figure?" "My god, you know what I forgot?" "I forgot to cancel your lunch with the editor of newsweek." "My fault." "And you were supposed to tell me about the public television thing." "I remembered that." "You were to send the limousine to the airport for my parents." "I know, sweetheart." "The cast came off my finger so I was at the doctor yesterday." "That one's my fault." "I made a couple of changes." "You've the analyst at 2:00 instead of 3:00." "I moved your tennis lesson up an hour." "The chiropodist is at 4:00." "And we moved the hair treatment to friday." "I'm sorry, Wednesday." "No, Thursday!" "Thursday at 2:00 is the hair... treatment." "Can I please get your signature on this oil shelter thing?" "You told me cattle." "The cattle died." "Has anybody given any thought to time magazine?" "I said I'd get back to them." "Your cousin called." "He needs to borrow more money." "Oh, geez." "Don't bug him about the time cover." "He can do it after the weekend." "I don't wanna go away this weekend." "Who needs a festival of my old films?" "It's absurd, ridiculous." "Don't worry." "I'll be with you when you see the treasury agents." "Treasury agents?" "Since when is it that serious?" "Sandy, this is two lousy days." "You drive up there, they honor you, they show your films." "They ask you a couple of stupid questions, and you go home." "I don't wanna be honored." "It's a hype." "Don't be ungrateful." "She's an important film critic." "You promised." "They sold a lot of tickets." "You can't back out." "You might enjoy it." "The nice clean sea air!" "We've gotta talk about the new picture." "What do you want me to say?" "I don't want to make funny movies anymore." "They can't force me to." "I don't feel funny." "I look around the world, and all I see is human suffering." "Human suffering doesn't sell tickets in Kansas City." "They want laughs." "They've been working in the wheat fields." "I'm getting a headache." "Can I please get some privacy?" "Your problem is you never got over Nat Bernstein's death." "Of course I never got over" " The guy was 30 years old, never sick a day," "And then suddenly, out of left field, amyotrophic lateral sclerosis." "It was horrible!" "He was laying in the hospital, his body degenerated like Lou Gehrig." "You could use this weekend at the seashore." "You should take a month." "When I was a kid, my mother took me to the seashore." "Little old decaying hotels and awnings." "These are valium." "Great!" "Just what I" " Another show business tranquilizer." "Did anybody read on the front page of The Times that matter is decaying?" "Am I the only one that saw that?" "The universe is gradually breaking down." "There's not gonna be anything left." "I'm not talking about my stupid little films here." "Eventually there's not gonna be any Beethoven or Shakespeare or" "Yeah, yeah." "Have a nice weekend." "Oh, great." "What are you thinking about when you look out there?" "Just all those people." "How unhappy most of them are." "And those terrible things they do to each other, and, you know." "Everything's..." "over so quickly." "And you don't have any idea," "Was it worth it or not." "Is there any way I can cheer you up?" "No, there's" " What do you have in mind?" "Mmm, you smell nice!" "Yeah?" "That aftershave, it made my whole childhood come back with a sudden Proustian Rush." "That's 'cause I'm wearing Proustian Rush by Chanel." "It's reduced." "I got a vat of it." "Why don't I just run down and get some food, and we'll stay in tonight and I'll cook?" "The last time you cooked the kitchen looked like Hiroshima." "We had a good time." "I could do my mother's recipe... for filet de boeuf fourre perigourdine." "I could do sweet potato rum casserole and" "No beverage?" "I think they've been putting something wonderful in your lithium." "I stopped taking the lithium." "Oh, Jesus!" "You're kidding?" "Dorrie, that's not a good idea." "You can't just go on and off it like that." "I don't think it does much good." "You're wrong, 'cause I notice the difference." "You can't keep" "It's a pain to keep getting my blood checked." "I'm sure it is." "I feel heavy and" "But it's better for you." "It's not a good thing to just go" " Really." "You are the best kisser." "Well, that was my major in college." "Ohh!" "Oh, oh, oh." "Ohh!" "Mr. Bates, come here at once." "Please!" "The stove's on fire." "What's the matter with you?" "Will you stop being hysterical?" "Put it out!" "Every night it's a fire!" "You don't know how to work the stove yet?" "I worked it perfectly." "You d nothing but start fires here!" "I did just what you said." "Careful." "It's a simple stove." "And every night you set the apartment on fire." "Maybe it's defective." "Did you have someone check it?" "And no rabbit!" "How many times have I told you no rabbit?" "I thought you only meant just that one time." "No, never, never." "I never want rabbit." "I don't eat rodent." "You understand?" "It's fur-bearing." "Never rabbit." "Never." "Now that's clear." "Everybody is just ecstatic that you're here this weekend." "The turnout is tremendous." "These film culture weekends are just absolutely fantastic." "They are getting so popular." "You're gonna love our screening facilities." "When I had my Orson Welles weekend here, you know what he told me?" "He said that I had the best sound and projection system he'd ever seen, bar none." "Believe it or not." "He did, that's what he" " Oh, oh!" "This is Mr. Payson, our chairman, and Mrs. Payson." "They adore you." "We love your work." "My wife has seen all your films." "I especially like your early funny ones." "Dick Lobel." "I'm with the Museum Film Department." "We have a collection of more than 20,000 prints." "This is my friend, Libby." "She thinks you're a genius." "Libby just did a definitive cinematic study of Gummo Marx." "Interestingly, he's the one Marx Brother that never made any movies." "Hello." "Glad to have you here." "You're the greatest." "Here, read this." "I think you're absolutely magnificent." "Hello, Isobel?" "I'm up here." "I'm going crazy." "Do you think you can get up here?" "I miss you!" "In English." "Speak to me in English." "Your English is perfect." "Don't worry." "What's the matter?" "You sound" "You want me to call you back?" "Can you not talk?" "All right." "I'll call you back." "# Three little words #" "# Oh, what I'd give for that wonderful phrase #" "# To hear those three little words #" "# That's all I'd live for the rest of my days #" "# And what I feel in my heart #" "# They tell sincerely #" "# No other words can tell it half so clearly #" "# Three little words #" "# Eight little letters which simply mean I love you #" "What were you trying to say in this picture?" "I was just trying to be funny." "Do you find it very hard to direct yourself?" "Hard?" "No." "I just have to resist the temptation... to give myself too many extreme close-ups." "Have you studied filmmaking in school?" "No, I didn't study anything in school." "They studied me." "I understand you studied philosophy at school." "No, that's not true." "I did take" "I took one course in existential philosophy at New York University." "And on the final, they gave me ten questions." "And I couldn't answer a single one of them." "I left 'em all blank." "I got a hundred." "You are marvelous." "You are a genius, Sandy." "Good questions." "Didn't you think so?" "You handled them beautifully." "You're a genius!" "One of the most intelligent films I've seen in many years." "Can I get a photo?" "Hi." "I just think you're great." "I wanted to give you this record." "I'm with the Tuberculosis Association." "We're doing a benefit" "If I could have ten minutes of your time, I'd like to ask a couple of questions." "I'm doing this piece on the shallow indifference of wealthy celebrities." "I'd like to include you" " I'd like to include you in my piece." "I'm starving." "Sandy, there's a phone call for you." "Let me show you where the phone is." "I'm Dr. Pearlman." "I did a paper on you and your films." "Oh, really?" "It was very well received, you'll be happy to know." "I'm glad to hear that." "For my records, have you ever had intercourse with any type of animal?" "With an animal?" "No, I never" "Dr." "Pearlman, please!" "Hello?" "Yeah?" "Thank you very much." "No, I don't think that's fair!" "Mind if we take a picture?" "One more picture." "No, I don't want 'em to touch the film." "Tell 'em to come up here tomorrow and we'll talk about it." "They can't recut my film." "My name is Claire Schaeffer and I work with the blind." "You're an absolute genius!" "We have a celebrity auction this month." "If you could donate, like an ashtray or a pair of socks?" "No problem at all." "Somebody told me you wear a truss." "No, I don't wear a truss." "Say hello to my wife rash." "We were to Israel, and they love you there." "Shalom." "I'm Jack Abel." "I teach screen writing." "Hi, how are you?" "What is this?" "It's unbelievable." "If I could get you to come up and lecture, you'd make me a hero." "I'm not the type that lectures." "For your enjoyment." "I really appreciate this." "It's exactly what I need." "People are always telling me how much we look alike." "I can see that." "If you could take my name, maybe next time you do" " This is a madhouse." "I've got a suggestive item of food here." "Can you take this?" "Daisy and I were going to grab a beer." "If you'd like to come, we'd love to have you." "I would love it." "Would you?" "I know a roadside place." "I don't know what's going on." "Can I talk to you about an idea for a film?" "This is not the place." "It's a comedy based on that whole Guyana mass suicide thing." "Sandy, this is what I did in vaudeville years ago." "What?" "# Give me the spotlight give me the stage and leave the rest to me #" "# Give me a hat and cane an old refrain a sweet melody #" "# And so I dream #" "# Of old Brazil #" "# Where hearts were entertaining June #" "# We stood beneath an amber moon #" "# And softly murmured someday soon #" "# We kissed and clung together #" "# Then tomorrow was another day #" "Comedy is hostility." "Uh-Huh." "It's rage." "I don't have to give you that cliched speech." "What is it the comedian says when his jokes are going well?" ""I murdered that audience." "I killed 'em." "They screamed." "I broke 'em up."" "So what are you saying?" "Are you saying someone like myself... or Laurel and Hardy, or Bob Hope are furious?" "Furious or latent homosexual." "It's hidden behind the jokes." "I can't speak for those guys, but" "That's a little" "We're only theorizing." "What do you do, Daisy?" "Are you a teacher too?" "No, no." "She's a brilliant violinist." "Really?" "That's an exaggeration." "She's with the Philharmonic." "Yeah, but" "That's very impressive." "I sit way in the back." "It's one of those things." "Get you some Camels?" "Yeah, thanks." "Excuse me." "So, can I ask you a question?" "Is it my imagination," "Or have you been kinda looking at me all night?" "I mean, tell me if I'm wrong." "I don't know" "Does it bother you?" "No, I was just wondering what's so interesting?" "I've never seen such a sexy classical violinist before." "Usually they're escaped Hungarians." "I'm from Winnetka, Illinois." "Are you?" "Yeah." "Funny, 'cause you remind me of somebody." "It's the strangest thing." "Yeah?" "Mm-Hmm, yeah." "It's not that you look like her." "It's that there's some kind of odd... sense I have." "Really?" "And now, the Brooklyn Boys' Club... is happy to present The Amazing Sandy." "Incredible." "The boy's a natural." "I've never seen anything like it, a born magician." "He should be." "He sits in his room alone and practices for hours." "You're sure he's not doing anything else?" "He does that too." "I found these pictures hidden in his drawer." "It causes him great guilt." "I don't know if I can ever cure him." "I've been treating him for years already." "Thanks for a nice, a nice time." "I'll see you guys." "See you around." "Bye." "Hey, Sandy, I hate to hassle you or anything." "But I just gotta tell you, I love you." "I mean, I love your work." "Thank you." "I'm an actor." "I'm working as a busboy, but really I am an actor." "I don't wanna bug you, I just want to give you a picture for your file." "You should mail this to my office." "Here's another picture." "Here's a composite I have of myself." "Send this to my office." "And a resume." "I'm gonna go to sleep now." "If you don't mind, be just a second." "Here are some of the reviews on the things that critics have said about me." "That's from the Jersey Journal." "It's great." "Here's a picture of me as Tevye in Fiddler on the Roof." "I did that in High School." "Here's a resume." "That's where I did Ensign Pulver." "I worked in regional theater." "Ensign Pulver in Mister Roberts." "I'm crazy about you." "You don't even know who I am." "Yeah, but I've been lookin' at you all morning." "I gotta tell you, you're incredibly beautiful, whoever you are." "It's true, I am." "I guess I'm a little on the beautiful side." "Yeah, but" " And you're real interesting." "I've been watching you." "You just sitting by yourself and reading." "You got a real strange quality." "Keep going." "You're getting through." "Yeah?" "How long you been acting?" "I guess I'm always acting." "Yeah?" "Can I sit next to you?" "Sure." "Be my guest." "So tell me about yourself." "Who are you?" "Give me a lot of personal information immediately." "Don't hold anything back." "I mean, are you married?" "Living with somebody?" "I'm fascinating, but I'm trouble." "Trouble?" "Yeah." "Yeah?" "You said the right thing." "So are you free for dinner?" "What are your plans later?" "Don't feel obligated to say yes because I'm the director of the film." "This is a big coup for me." "I'm a nobody with a one-line part." "And I managed to impress you by sitting around speed-reading Schopenhauer." " You understand any of that?" "No, but I can fake my way through most situations." "Yeah?" "I gotta tell ya, I'm fatally attracted to you, so don't blow it." "Well, I'll do my best." "And it hasn't failed me yet." "Your spaghetti could've used another 20 minutes." "You said al dente." "I was giving you my best shot." "Al dente?" "That was so crispy." "You don't want a limp noodle." "My spaghetti with a nice Czechoslovakian Sauce." "That's my speciality." "I suppose it's different." "Yeah, it's congealed, disgusting spaghetti." "Where did you learn so much about wine?" "My father's an expert." "Oh, her father!" "This is incredible." "What is this guy not an expert in?" "He's a tennis player, an antique connoisseur, a wine expert," "And he's probably gorgeous with the graying temples and the aquiline profile." "A great-looking man." "I'll bet." "Whenever mother was away in the sanitariums, the ladies flocked around him." "What about you?" "Did you have a little crush on him?" "You can admit this to me." "Sure, we had a little flirt every now and then." "Little small flirt?" "Your mother away getting shock treatment," "And the only beautiful daughter home." "Long, lingering breakfasts with dad?" "Is this getting nauseating?" "I was no competition for my mother because she was very beautiful." "Your mother?" "Yes." "Your back is really knotted up." "I know, it's very tense." "What was your mother diagnosed as?" "Was she schizophrenic?" "She was schizophrenic, she was depressive" "I see." "The full compliment of nasties." "It's funny because in my family nobody ever committed suicide." "This was just not a middle class alternative." "My mother was too busy running the boiled chicken through the deflavorizing machine... to think about shooting herself or anything." "God." "So did you always want to be an actress?" "No, I'm not really an actress." "You're good, Dorrie." "You have a real interesting quality on the screen." "You're just saying that." "No, you're wrong." "You have a charming quality." "You got a real-- You're a natural." "I'm a natural at everything I do, and then I wind up not being able to do anything." "You're wrong." "You've got a real, genuine charisma on the screen." "It's true." "You're sexy." "You got no confidence, of course," "But you got a real charming quality." "What was that thing?" "That's so pretty." "A pigeon!" "It's not pretty at all." "They're rats with wings." "It's probably a good omen." "It'll bring us good luck." "No, get it outta here!" "It's probably one of those killer pigeons." "Get something for it to eat." "We can coax it down." "What are you doing?" "It's got a swastika under its wings." "Not that!" "I just wanna guide it out of the apartment." "Geez, I don't want a winged thing in my house." "We can keep it." "Ooh, I'm sorry!" "Forgive me." "I'm in the wrong room." "No, this is your room." "Isn't this fun?" "I tipped the porter so I could meet you." "Oh, Jesus!" "You're kidding!" "They let you in here?" "Well, I know you get this all the time." "No, I don't!" "I have a psychic, and I asked her about you." "She told me that we were destined to make it together." "Whoever you are, please, I'm tired." "Go away." "I won't stay over." "I just know you're a Sagittarius." "And Sagittarians get along really well with Pisces." "I'm a Pisces." "I just think that" "Will you get out of the bed, please?" "Here." "I drove all the way from Bridgeport to make it with you." "Yeah?" "What is this?" "The traditional brownies with hash?" "No, no." "Here's the hash on the side because I didn't know how much you took." "What is it, a Hollandaise Sauce?" "What do you mean?" "You drove a long distance to go through mechanical sex with a stranger." "Is this what you do?" " My husband drove me." "We have a van." "You're kidding?" "Is your husband here?" "He would be so honored if I could tell him that we made it." "He's a great fan of yours." "He's got all your albums." "He sees every movie." "He talks about you all the time." "You're one of his heroes." "He's not insanely jealous?" "No, we never have any problems with that." "And exactly where is your husband now?" "He's sleeping in the van." "I don't feel that well." "I'm tired." "I don't wanna go through an empty experience." "Empty sex is better than no sex, right?" "Come on." "Don't be so angry." "We interrupt this program to bring you a special bulletin." "Sydney Finklestein's hostility has escaped." "Finklestein, a short man with glasses, told police... that he had been fighting to hold his anger in for years." "And he's very embarrassed that it broke loose while he napped." "Police are combing the countryside and warn all citizens to stay indoors." "My god, look!" "That's my schoolteacher, Miss Reilly." "Oh, geez, look!" "That's my ex-wife and her alimony lawyer!" "And my brother Alvin." "Geez, he's the one that they taught to speak up." "He'd always come downstairs and recite." "Look!" "That's my mother." "Please, we don't want to hurt you." "We want to reason with you." "I'm a psychoanalyst." "This is my pipe." "I want to help you." "Your films are always psychological, never political." "Where do you stand politically?" "What can I say to that?" "I'm for total honest democracy." "And I also believe the American system can work." "A lot of people have accused you of being narcissistic." "People think I'm egotistical and narcissistic, but it's not true." "I" " As a matter of fact," "If I did identify with a greek mythological character, it would not be Narcissus." "Who would it be?" "Zeus." "Mr." "Bates, I'm with the cancer society." "Right." "It would mean so much to so many people if you could appear at our benefit." "I would be glad to." "Call me when I get back to town." "I do 'em all the time." "Really." "Did you know that as we speak," "Russian scientists are being forcibly detained in insane asylums?" "I'm on a committee for that." "So I've signed petitions." "Would you sign this autograph?" "It's for my wife." "Sandy Brockman from Flatbush Avenue." "Jerry Abraham!" "I know!" "I remember ya." "We went to school together, right?" "You used to dress as Superman." "You tried to fly." "I know you're busy now." "When can we talk?" "I'll be here all weekend." "What is this?" "Don't read it now." "Wait until later." "My son wrote it." "It's perfect for you." "It's a spoof on jockeys." "On jockeys?" "Yeah, a spoof on little jockeys." "Little, tiny jockeys?" "Sounds great." "Call." "Would you go ahead, please?" "Yes, please." "Sandy, can I have your autograph?" "Sure." "There you go." "I was a Caesarian." "Ohh!" "That's great." "Isobel, my god, what are you doing here?" "You called me." "You were lonely." "I know, but what a surprise, what a treat!" "Sandy, I really loved your last film." "Thank you." "In English." "Speak to me in English." "I had a very erotic dream about you last night." "I hope you brought your little tiny white cotton socks that I like." "Listen, I left my husband." "Really?" "He knew I was having an affair, and I did not want to lie to him." "I'm stunned." "That makes you nervous, no?" "No, no, I'm not nervous." "I'm just so" " I know we talked about it" "Sandy, I knit this sweater for you myself." "Oh, thanks very much." "You don't have to worry." "I'm not worried." "I'm just going to take care of myself." "What does that mean?" "We've seen all your films." "They're terrific." "They suck." "Because I know your face." "I know you are going to be sick." "I'm not gonna be sick." "I'm just so stunned." "I can't" "We discussed it, and I" "I'm going to stay in a hotel and find an apartment." "You're not staying in a hotel." "The point was you would leave your husband and stay with me." "That we would live together or marry, but be together." "Can I have your autograph?" "That's the point of it." "You're not gonna stay at a hotel." "That's ridiculous." "I think it would be okay to live like that." "No!" "We could marry, but there is no pressure." "I don't feel pressure." "You know, I, I" " It's funny." "I had salmon for breakfast." "And I feel nauseous." "They never, never serve it fresh." "I just brought up a wonderful bottle of wine," "And my white socks, the ones you like." "Gee, Isobel, I feel like such a fool." "Mr. Bates, could I have your autograph, please?" "I've seen all of your films." "You're a master of despair." "Such a touch of Kafka." "I feel so sick." "Will you give me 15 minutes?" "I will have a bath, and I will come to your room." "What about the children?" "They're okay." "They will come tomorrow." "Hi!" "Hi." "What are you doing here?" "I came in to be alone, to think." "What are you doing here?" "That's exactly what I was doing." "I was sitting around thinking, trying to get away." "What are you thinking about?" "Me?" "I was thinking about should I change my movie?" "Should I change my life?" "All kinds of... serious" "Yeah?" "What a surprise!" "I had a dream about you last night." "Did you?" "What did you dream?" "I can't tell you." "No, come on." "You can tell." "It was really embarrassing." "Was it one of those?" "Yeah, it was." "God, that's terrible." "Maybe if I get to know you better, I'll tell you." "Yeah?" "Hi, can I have your autograph?" "You're kidding?" "What do you guys do?" "Follow me around?" "Me too!" "We think you're so sexy." "I'm sexy?" "They think I'm sexy." "Come on, Dorrie!" "Don't lie to me!" "You're attracted to her." "I'm not attracted to her." "What are you talking about?" "Staring at her all through dinner." "Giving each other looks." "Stop it." "She's 14 years old." "Don't you think I see it?" "She's not even 14." "She's 13 and a half." "I used to play those games with my father so I know!" "What kind of games?" "You think I'm flirting with your kid cousin?" "You can't take your eyes off her!" "She was sitting opposite me." "You smile at her." "I smile at her." "I'm a friendly person." "What do you want?" "She's a kid." "This is stupid." "Don't tell me it's stupid." "I used to do that with my father across the table." "All those private jokes." "I know." "Do what?" "What private jokes?" "We were talking about movies." "She likes funny movies." "So we were discussing it." "What's the matter with you?" "Dorrie, what's the matter with you?" "You're nuts." "You know how ridiculous this sounds?" "What are you saying?" "That I'm flirting with your kid cousin?" "Doesn't that sound-- It's absurd." "Come on." "Oh, my god!" "I was in the neighborhood." "I had to say hello." "Why didn't you call me?" "I'm appearing near here." "What a surprise." "Come in." "This is Isobel." "This is my sister." "Hello, Isobel." "Sam's gonna die." "Girls, my brother." "Do you believe this?" "What are you shouting for?" "This ismy brother." "We're all relaxed, Sandy." "Did I come at a bad time?" "No, you didn't come at a bad time." "We're all doing yoga." "We're all relaxed." "Come on." "You know everybody." "I know you know Irene." "What happened, Irene?" "It's so ironic." "Look at her face." "We moved here to get away from the crime, and look at this face." "Someone broke into her house last week." "They robbed her." "They raped her and beat" " Isobel, they raped her." "In the suburbs?" "They tied her to the bed." "Do you believe it?" "With my scarf." "I didn't even resist." "I'm sure you didn't resist, knowing you, Irene." "How 'bout a drink?" "Isobel?" "Coffee, tea?" "Do you feel all right?" "I'm feeling better." "He's in the bedroom meditating and exercising." "I'll see Sam." "Would you please?" "Yeah." "To Kevin and Mendel." "Kevin and Mendel?" "What are they, children?" "I had two heart attacks before I got the bicycle." "And since then?" "I also had two." "That's where we used to go to the seashore every summer." "This is Sandy?" "That's Sandy." "That's me, the baby." "Nice baby." "My father stayed in the city." "I think he fooled around." "There he is." "That's my mother." "And your mother?" "They were always fighting, always screaming at each other." "Once the police had to come." "Here's Sandy in the hebrew school play." "I haven't seen this in ages!" "He's so cute." "Yeah." "Glasses, skinny." "Look how skinny." "Remember how you got into that fight?" "It was awful." "I resented Abraham Being" " He was willing to kill his son." "It used to bother me." "It was jealousy." "You wanted the part of god." "Oh, she's a lovely girl." "I know." "She's wonderful." "You gonna get married?" "I guess." "What do you mean you guess?" "Yes or no?" "It looks like the direction we're heading in." "Are you in love?" "Yeah, I suppose so." "I don't know what to say." "Because it's a package deal." "I get a wife, a French wife, and two kids overnight." "Question is, do I want that?" "I like the idea she's French." "That I find romantic." "But, do I want to have two kids suddenly?" "Oh, kids are nice, Sandy." "I know, but you have to get used to them." "Of course I never hear from my two older ones." "You still haven't heard?" "They're 13 and 14." "They hitchhike to texas." "I had the police." "I don't know their whereabouts." "They can't find any trace?" "The youngest one is selling stolen cameras." "I'm worried." "Take it easy." "Take it" "Sam doesn't want to know about it." "He keeps having heart attacks." "He never gets off the bike." "Do you hear from our parents at all?" "Oh, yeah, they sit in Miami." "Dad's gonna be 80." "That's amazing." "In good shape." "Mom's blind in one eye, deaf in one ear." "I hope the same side of the head, right?" "Don't make jokes." "She should be even at that age." "It's very" "I miss you." "Sam, that's enough with that bell!" "I bought him a bell for Christmas, and I never hear the end of it." "I send money to Miami, but I don't know what else I can do for our parents." "You're good like that." "You keep up." "I like your sister." "She's very nice." "She's great." "She's a little screwed up." "She's very funny." "She is." "When you told her that you had been a leftist, and you'd been in jail and all, her mouth was hanging open." "She's intensely middle class." "I find that difficult to swallow even now." "But I told you." "Things were very different in '68." "I know, but I can't see you standing in the streets throwing rocks and bottles." "The barricades." "I don't have that image of you." "You're too sweet to" "Because, we had" "It was the only way to change the spirit of relationships between people." "George, you're going too slow." "They're gonna get you." "I know, but it's such an odd thing." "I can never picture you just hanging in there with the workers storming the" "The workers were not with us." "They were fighting for their own salaries, own conditions." "Yes, and so what were you doing?" "We were fighting for" "For the spirit of the things." "Maybe we were romantic." "But they thought we were romantic and" "I remember when I was in jail." "I thought it was romantic and so exciting." "You met a lot of interesting men in jail?" "Men and women are separated in jail." "I find it very difficult to have a commitment like that." "To survive, you want to stay loose, keep flexible." "What the hell is going on out there?" "Hey, what's going on?" "Mr." "Bates, how are you?" "Fine." "I've always enjoyed your films." "Thanks very much." "What's he done?" "I got a warrant for his arrest." "You're kidding?" "For what?" "Out of Pennsylvania." "It's for mail fraud." "My chauffeur?" "Listen, do you have a license?" "Can you drive this car?" "I can drive it if I have to." "You gonna take him down?" "I have to, I'm sorry." "Are you sure you got the right guy?" "Yes, I do." "Mr. Bates, the next time you do a film, how about doing one about a police sergeant, huh?" "I got a great story that I'll tell you, okay?" "They're booking my driver for mail fraud, if you can believe that." "Really?" "You're kidding!" "That doesn't make sense." "I checked every reference." "They're impeccable." "How can they be impeccable?" "I had six chauffeurs in two years." "You get me drunks, guys who can't understand English." "One guy ran over an old lady with me in the car." "Now this guy's wanted for mail fraud." "It's humiliating." "Would you sign my left breast?" "By the way, Dr. Melnikoff called." "You should stop using that shampoo he gave you to rub in your hair." "He says they just found out it causes skin cancer." "He's had me on it for 9 months!" "Now he tells me it causes skin cancer?" "Ed Rich." "I'm with the New York City Landmarks Committee." "We're having a fund-Rriser." "I'll be glad to come." "Call me when I get to town." "It's a wonderful cause, to preserve old buildings." "I'm sure, I'm sure." "Call me when I get back." "I'll be happy to make it." "Really." "Oh, okay, fine, thank you." "And cheer up." "What is that?" "What the hell is that?" "That's the silliest thing I've ever seen." "What is that?" "Those people that are marching in the background," "Those are all the people from the train... that wind up in the garbage dump." "What the hell are they doing here?" "They wind up in jazz heaven." "It's commercial." "It's upbeat." "It's upbeat, it's commercial." "It's stupid!" "I thought you'd like it." "You love jazz." "Who is this guy anyhow to rewrite the end of my movie?" "And since when are all these guys involved?" "What the hell is going on?" "These are the new heads of the studio." "Every six months I meet a new group of studio heads." "It's very disconcerting." "But the mortality rate in this business is unbelievable." "I'll say it is." "It's like the black plague." "I think you're wonderful." "Can I have your autograph?" "I don't want anybody going to jazz heaven." "That's a nitwit idea." "The whole point of the movie is that nobody is saved." "Sandy, this is an easter film." "We don't need a movie by an atheist." "One more, sir." "To you I'm an atheist." "To God I'm the loyal opposition." "Ha!" "Jesus." "I'm your biggest fan." "You're terrific." "Thank you." "His public adores him." "Yeah." "Today they adore you, tomorrow it's one of these." "He's paranoid." "I think you're being a little paranoid." "No." "You know what I'm being?" "I'm being realistic." "And that's why you don't like the movie." "Come on." "It's not a matter of what I like." "I've been on this side of the business for four years." "Too much reality is not what the people want." "Jazz heaven!" "That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" "You can't control life." "It doesn't wind up perfectly." "Only art you can control." "Art and masturbation." "Two areas in which I am an absolute expert." "I feel very tired." "Yeah?" "Isobel, I want you to come and live with me." "Can we not talk about it tonight?" "I want to talk about it." "I've been thinking about it all day." "I was just very surprised before, that's all." "But when I think it over, it's a very, very important thing to me." "You know you don't have to say that." "I know I don't have to." "But I feel that way." "I have very complicated feelings towards you." "I like to be with you, and I don't want to screw up this relationship." "You know that I love you." "I trust you, you know?" "You're one of the few people I really have fun with." "Gee, if it wasn't for you this past year, I'd have been absolutely" "Isobel, what are you doing?" "I'm pouring my heart out, and you're behaving like a crazy person." "Isobel, will you stop that for a minute?" "I'm just doing my exercise." "Yes, but this is important what I'm saying." "My exercise too." "Yes, I know." "I need it for my muscle." "You look like you're having a fit." "I'm not." "Isobel, I'm serious." "I want you to move in with me." "I'm serious." "I think that you should live with me." "I think we would have a lot of fun together." "I'm not sure about anything." "I'm just thinking of it." "What do you mean?" "It's such a big decision for me too!" "I know it's a big decision." "It wasn't so easy to leave my husband, and now to think of the children" "It's good that you left your husband." "It's a good thing." "I'm sure of it too." "I think you're" "But I'm not sure about the rest, you know?" "It frightens me too." "I think we have to think about it." "I see." "So now that I feel you should live with me," "All of a sudden, you feel differently, right?" "It is not so clear." "But don't you see?" "To me, you may be the perfect woman." "You're mad!" "You're a respected, well-known, New York doctor." "How could you get involved in this?" "I've never been able to fall in love, to find the perfect woman." "There's always something wrong." "And then I met Doris." "A wonderful woman, great personality." "But for some reason, I'm just not turned on sexually by her." "Don't ask me why." "Then I met Rita." "An animal." "Nasty, mean, trouble." "I love going to bed with her." "Though afterward, I always wish that I was back with Doris." "I thought, if only I could put Doris's brain in Rita's body." "Wouldn't that be wonderful?" "And I thought, why not?" "What the hell, I'm a surgeon." "Surgeon?" "Where'd you study medicine, in Transylvania?" "I performed the operation and everything went perfectly." "I switched their personalities, and I took all the badness and put it over there." "And I made Rita into a warm, wonderful, charming, sexy, sweet, giving mature woman." "And then I fell in love with Doris." "Do you really feel there's such a thing as a perfect mate?" "Don't you think the basis of any mature relationship is really compromise?" "I think any relationship is not based on either compromise... or maturity or perfection or any of that." "It's really based on luck." "That's the key thing." "People don't like to acknowledge that because it means loss of control." "But you really have to be lucky." "A question for Mr. Roberts." "Was the scene between you and Sandy Bates at The Wax Museum... a homage to Vincent Price's horror movie The House of Wax?" "A homage?" "Not exactly." "We just stole the idea outright." "You set things up so you can play a little golf, get a little poon, you smoke some good grass." "That's what life's about." "He doesn't want to listen." "It's shallow." "You don't see how shallow" "Did you see the shallow girl I'm with?" "No, I haven't." "Playboy centerfold." "Perfect." "You met her in a hot tub, right?" "She's a lovely girl." "Won't eat meat, sweets." "Just amphetamines." "Exactly!" "You don't make good picks." "A lot of yours have left a lot to be desired." "Like what?" "Like Dorrie?" "Dorrie was fabulous." "Dorrie was a loony." "Dorrie was great." "Bright, quick, wonderful." "She was bright, there's no question." "She had a perfect personality." "She was completely self-conscious out of bed." "When you got her in bed, she was completely unself-conscious." "It's a perfect balance." "Yeah, she could be very funny, bright and wonderful two days a month." "The other 28, she was lost." "But what a two days!" "When she was on, she was a ten." "She was dynamite." "Remember when we went to that place with the pipes?" "That was her photography period." "That was hilarious." "You bought her a camera." "That's all she hinted, was for a camera." "All she talked about was graphics." "She was obsessed." "You liked to pose for pictures." "You were in all your hammy glory." "I wanted to go hear jazz, and you guys went someplace else." "We had to rehearse." "We're artists." "We had work to do that night." "I can imagine." "Hey, Sandy." "Jerry Abraham." "Remember me?" "We grew up together." "Of course I" " You asked me this." "Why should I forget you?" "Well, people grow up." "They become big hotshots." "They forget." "We played stick ball together, right?" "Yeah." "We went to Hebrew school too." "So what are you doing?" "What are you up to?" "I drive a cab." "You look good." "There's nothing wrong with that." "But look at me compared to you." "All those beautiful broads." "I've got a headache." "I'm a little drunk." "What do you want me to say?" "I was the kid in the neighborhood that told the jokes, right?" "So we live in a society that puts a big value on jokes." "Think of it this way." "If I had been an Apache Indian," "Those guys didn't need comedians at all, so I'd be out of work." "Ah, come on!" "That doesn't help me feel better." "I don't know what to say." "I got such a headache." "It's all luck." "I was lucky." "I'm the first to admit I was a lucky bum." "If I was not born in Brooklyn, if I had been born in Poland, or Berlin," "I'd be a lamp shade today." "It could happen like that." "Be thankful you're not Nat Bernstein." "Remember?" "Wasted away." "He was a guy from the neighborhood." "Incurable disease." "It was absolutely terrible." "Oh, wow." "Yes, of course, Harvey." "No, I understand that." "The point is, it's immoral for them to touch the end of my film." "Jesus." "I don't know what to say." "We'll sue them." "Well, can you" " Can you call me back later at the hotel and find out?" "Well, yes, I'll be-- Later this afternoon." "Okay." "Okay." "The thing is, I'm kind of crazy right now." "I don't seem to be able to sleep, you know?" "I have to do practicing on the violin 'cause I've got to go back... to the philharmonic in a couple weeks." "But, you know, last night I had a migraine." "So I took some Darvon," "And that made me so nervous that I took 40 milligrams of Valium." "I still couldn't sleep." "I was up all night." "Yeah." "Well" "I got a message on my service that Sarah called." "I haven't talked to her in about a year." "And I, I got upset." "I started eating." "I ate a pound of cookies last night." "Yeah, I'm really fat." "Really fat." "Jack, um" " Jack was so sweet about it." "No, he doesn't know about my relationship with her." "He knows we lived together in Israel," "But he doesn't know the thing." "He was so affectionate last night in bed." "He wanted" "I told him I had herpes." "Yeah." "Take the call." "I'll hold on." "I'll hold on a second." "I don't like the idea of your kids riding on the train alone." "They will be okay." "Who knows what goes on in those things?" "There's a lot of weird people out there, a lot of perverts and crazies." "They're liable to get molested or robbed" "Not my children!" "Maybe the other way around." "My chauffeur could've picked them up." "He could've broken out of jail and got 'em." "Are you Sandy Bates?" "Uh, no." "The kids'll be starved." "Yes, you are." "No, no, no, I'm not." "My mother buys meat in the same butcher shop your mother does." "Can I have your autograph?" "Oh, geez." "Could you write, "to Phyllis Weinstein, you unfaithful, lying bitch"?" "Okay." "We can sit by the window." "It'll be nice." "Oui, oui." "We will sit by the window." "You'll have a nice" "Uncle Sandy is gonna put you down." "Heavy kid." "She's really heavy." "Uncle Sandy, uh" "Okay." "We don't want to attract too much attention." "Blonde kids?" "Shh." "Quiet." "Ice cream!" "Shh." "Shh." "Thank you." "Happy birthday." "You didn't have to do that." "Wow!" "What are you thinking about?" "I'm knocked out by this." "You really didn't have to do this." "I never forget a birthday." "This is so great." "It's exactly what I wanted." "You always wanted to learn." "Will this play the "Mozart Flute Concerto"?" "You have to do that." "Oh, I have to do it." "You mean, it doesn't" " Oh, don't" "This is a big day for me here." "The way of Zen." "What are you trying to tell me?" "That I'm not at peace?" "I need more than a Zen book." "I need either a good rabbi analyst or interplanetary genius." "What is that?" "Oh, Dorrie." "Unbelievable!" "How did you get that?" "It wasn't easy." "I thought the museum was gonna buy it." "I knew you loved it." "It must've cost you a fortune!" "How could you do that?" "It's so extravagant!" "Gee, I, I" "You got nothing else for me?" "Just three?" "When I was a kid, the thing I always wanted was an elephant." "I could never convince my mother to get one for me." "I would've got you an elephant." "But where were you?" "Hey, look who it is." "Hey, hi!" "Hi, you guys." "This is Isobel, and this is Daisy and Jack." "We were at the train station." "Her kids just came in." "We picked 'em up." "They're wonderful." "We got 'em some ice cream." "What have you guys been doing?" "I could go for lunch." "We were walking around town." "It's dead." "Did you know The Bicycle Thief is playing in town?" "I've never seen it." "You've never seen The Bicycle Thief?" "It's fabulous!" "We should see it." "Do you want to see the bicycle thief?" "No, thank you." "She's never seen it?" "Why don't you guys see The Bicycle Thief?" "I'll go home and read Agatha Christie." "I could see that" "I've seen it, but I would love to." "I can take you back in the car." "It's a great film!" "It's great." "But you've got to look at it in context." "It's about survival in postwar Italy." "You can't divorce it from its social roots." "It's much deeper than a social problem." "There's so many ambiguities in it." "It's much more profound than that." "But the conflict is clear." "He's got to have the bicycle or he's going to starve." "Forget about a social problem for a minute." "Obviously" " What is this place?" "Obviously, if you don't have enough to eat, that becomes your major problem." "The issues become clear-Cut." "But what happens if you're living... in a more affluent society and you're lucky enough to not have to worry about that?" "Let's say you're surviving." "Then your problems become:" ""How can I fall in love?" or, "why can't I fall in love?" More accurately." ""Why do I age and die?" "What meaning can my life possibly have?"" "The issues become very complex for you." "For a guy who makes a lot of funny movies, you're kind of a depressive." "I'm not depressive." "I have a good time." "I have laughs." "Yeah?" "Do you?" "Why?" "Do you not think so?" "I don't know." "What do you do, for example, for laughs?" "What do I do?" "Read, walk, communicate, all that stuff." "Get undressed and perform the heimlich maneuver on a loved one." "I was having a good time this afternoon." "Has this been dreary for you?" "Have I been boring?" "Tell me the truth." "No, I've been having a really good time." "Sandy!" "Charlotte." "Charlotte Ames." "Your mother." "How ya doin'?" "I just knew that was you back there." "You don't recognize me, right?" "Sure I do." "It's okay." "I had some face work done." "Hmm." "You look astounding." "Would you believe it?" "Would you believe I played your mother in a movie?" "I'm amazed!" "Thank you." "What a funny coincidence." "I had my face done, I had my breasts done, I had my ass done." "I got some procaine and silicone, some nipping and tucking." "That's more than they do on the west side highway." "Well" "Why?" "I don't understand." "You were always a wonderful-looking" "I'm an actress." "You've gotta keep young, otherwise the public loses interest." "You always looked great to me, let me tell you." "That's sweet." "Tell me." "What the hell are you doing up here?" "We were just driving through." "We were at the movies." "I'm still stunned to see you, I must say." "Tell me, whatever happened to what's-her-name, that actress, Dorrie?" "Dorrie?" "Dorrie's okay." "Dorrie's living in hawaii, and she's married." "She's fine." "I liked her." "She was special." "I really dug her." "I can't play this!" "I don't have that kind of flair." "You're fine." "You just refuse to trust yourself." "I'm no good." "I don't know what you see in me." "Relax." "You're a bundle of nerves." "I tighten up." "I should be playing Cynthia's role, she should be playing mine." "She's much funnier and a lot more beautiful!" "Don't get hysterical." "She's fine, but you're great too." "The crew can't take their eyes off her." "Stop it." "What are you taking?" "My diet pill." "That's speed!" " I don't want to be fat." "Fat?" "How can you be fat?" "I'm overweight." "You refuse to see my bad points." "You're killing yourself with those diets." "First it's no pills, then all pills." "Then it was no steak, then six steaks a day and 12 glasses of water" "I'm tired of feeling gross." "You're not gross." "Obviously you're gonna kill your appetite if you take speed." "But then you can't sleep nights." "You've got to take sleeping pills, and you mix that garbage with your antidepressants." "The doctor said it was fine." "You never asked the doctor." "Is she fat?" "Is she fat?" "Talk to her." "I can't believe" " Listen, Dorrie." "You are such a sweet, young" " Beautiful." "Anything you do looks right." "You're at the age where you can't do anything wrong." "If you had scar tissue, it would be beautiful." "She refuses to believe anything." "I'm the one with crow's feet on her crow's feet." "You're wonderful!" "The picture's almost over." "Why don't we go away for a while?" "We could drop out, have a kid or something." "Would you like to do that?" "You know I'd like that." "All right." "Of course, we'd have to fool around a little bit." "But you could swing that if you put your mind to it." "Shit!" "Now my skin hurts." "It's a sure sign I'm getting depressed." "Do I really remind you of an old girlfriend?" "It's not bad for a little violinist from winnetka." "I've gotta give you my one classical music joke," "Which I put in every picture, and I invariably cut it out." "Um" " I don't know much about classical music." "For years I thought the Goldberg Variations were something..." "Mr. and Mrs. Goldberg tried on their wedding night." "You can see why it goes out of the picture, right?" "So, how do I remind you of Dorrie?" "How?" "You guys are both, you know, sort of seductive and attractive." "Stop me if this gets nauseating." "And, and beautiful." "And there's not a tragic sense, I wouldn't say," "But this kind of a lost feeling." "Really?" "Yeah, yeah." "I don't know you well enough to say that, but" "You know, I would guess." "It's just kind of a "lost" quality." "Yeah." "Am I-- Oh, Jesus." "Uh-Oh." "What's the matter?" "The goddamn chauffeur never takes care of the car." "Hang on." "Oh, brother." "Gotta get" "Oh, Jesus!" "Really annoying." "This is absurd." "I know." "It's starting to get dark." "There's no people." "There's" " You know." "I'm sure we're gonna find something very soon." "There's gotta be something around here." "They're gonna find us wandering in the woods six months from now," "Living on locusts and wild honey." "What the hell is that?" "In The Earth's Trinity, there are three signs:" "The Taurus, The Virgo, The Capricorn." "The Taurians are determined, The Virgos analytical," "And The Capricornians persevering." "We're not discussing astrology." "This is science." "Science has failed." "How can you say it's failed?" "You're saying that because it hasn't solved every problem." "Look at penicillin, open-heart surgery, heart transplants." "Space satellites." "My husband's alive six months now, using a different person's heart." "It's a Japanese heart, but he seems happy." "Can we get back to the subject of UFOs?" "That's what this party's for, isn't it?" "Is it true you're a UFO freak?" "No, our car broke down." "I really admire your work." "Thanks very much." "You have such a degenerate mind." "Thank you." "There are all different sizes, different shapes." "You can see them?" "Every solitary night." "Who's this girl?" "She's just a friend." "Are you into Martians?" "No." "I know you don't like to do this, but can I kiss you?" "You should make a film about flying saucers." "You only make films about people with personality disorders." "Sandy, I can prove that if there's life anywhere else in the universe," "they will have a Marxist Economy." "Mr." "Bates, excuse me." "I'm an occult nutritionist." "Mr." "Bates, excuse me." "What have you got against intellectuals?" "Intellectuals?" "Nothing." "Why?" "I've seen all your films." "You really feel threatened by them." "You're kidding!" "I've always said they're like the mafia." "They only kill their own." "That's exactly the attitude I was talking about." "You believe in magic." "I know, I've read all your interviews." "No, I used to do magic tricks when I was a kid, but no more." "What are you guys here for?" "To see flying saucers land?" "Is that gonna happen tonight?" "When they arrive, it's going to mean the dawn of a whole new civilization." "Space creatures conspiring with The Soviet Government already control our thoughts... by sending out electrical currents from the top of The Empire State building." "And I'm the only one that knows." "If you're alienated, can you still have children?" "Oh, sure." "Alienation only affects the mind." "It has nothing to do with the rest of your body." "Sandy, you know, this is exactly like one of your satires." "It's like we're all characters in some film being watched in god's private screening room." "I thought I saw a UFO once." "Really?" "Yeah, but I'd taken a lot of mescal, so I don't" "That will do it to you." "I was in Mexico." "I was with my English Professor." "We were having an affair." "He was married." "It was really terrible." "You thought you saw a UFO?" "Yeah, we really thought we did." "It's, uh, a delusion." "I didn't know you did magic tricks." "Yeah, when I was a kid." "I always practiced to be popular." "So I used to do" " Getting drunk." "Can you show me one?" "Yeah, you wanna see one?" "Sure." "My son's a genius." "He doesn't take after you." "He certainly doesn't take after your side of the family!" "Go to hell!" "Shut up!" "If he's such a genius, how come he can't make funny movies?" "Sandy, we'll sue them if they touch one frame of your film." "I promise you, you won't win." "By the way- -we got killed by the I.R.S." "They started looking at the back taxes." "You're my brother." "You gotta help me change my life." "I'm a mess." "Don't forget lunch with the editors of those high school newspapers." "What about the cancer foundation and leukemia victims?" "And the political prisoners all over the world?" "What about the Jews?" "The persecution in Europe, in Russia" "That's right." "All the silly magic tricks you do couldn't help your friend Nat Bernstein." "And what about Dorrie?" "You know what that was like." "Do you remember the last time you saw her?" "There's a doctor here that thinks I'm beautiful and interesting." "There's a doctor here that thinks I'm beautiful and interesting." "Are you seeing anyone?" "You look thin." "There's a doctor here that's crazy about me." "Are you seeing anyone?" "You this" " People" "Uh" " Be too close." "I used to swim a lot." "I can't feel anything." "Yeah, they don't" " Can't concentrate" " There's no point" "Too much" " Some fresh air" " Feel better" "You were always searching for the perfect woman." "You wound up falling in love with me." "I can't be alone." "B-but I can't be too close." "It's not you." "I--I just can't feel anything." "Are you going with anyone?" "Are you seeing anyone?" "Are you in love with anyone?" "How do I look?" "Wait a minute." "Don't go!" "I've got some questions." "We can't breathe your air." "At the rate we're going, we're not going to be able to either." "You gotta tell me." "Why is there so much human suffering?" "This is unanswerable." "Is there a god?" "These are the wrong questions." "Here's my point." "If nothing lasts, why am I bothering... to make films or do anything, for that matter?" "We enjoy your films, particularly the early funny ones." "But the human condition is so discouraging." "There are some nice moments too." "Yeah, with Dorrie." "That's right." "And Isobel." "Be honest." "You prefer Isobel?" "There's no comparison." "She's a mature woman." "Mature woman?" "What are you, my rabbi?" "I'm a super-intelligent being." "By earth standards, I have an I.Q. of 1600," "And I can't even understand what you expected from that relationship with Dorrie." "I loved her." "Yeah, I know." "And two days a month, she was the most exciting woman in the world." "But the rest of the time she was a basket case." "On the other hand, Isobel is someone you can count on." "But shouldn't I stop making movies and do something that counts?" "Like helping blind people or becoming a missionary or something?" "You're not the missionary type." "You'd never last." "Incidentally, you're not superman." "You're a comedian." "You wanna do mankind a real service?" "Tell funnier jokes." "But I've gotta find meaning!" "Wouldn't you know it, that there'd be hot air balloons?" "You really didn't expect saucers, did you?" "I did, yeah." "I had some very profound questions that I wanted to ask." "Uh-Huh." "You know, you look incredibly beautiful to me." "Oh, thanks." "We should go back to the hotel, don't you think?" "No, I don't want to." "We've been gone for hours." "They're gonna wonder about us." "I never want to go back to the hotel." "Never." "What I want to do is run away with you." "I'm serious." "I want to get in the car and just give up everything." "No, no." "I want to give up everything, we'll move in together" "I would be no fun to live with." "You'd be nothing but fun!" "You'd be great." "I would be very bad trouble." "Believe me." "You don't know me." "Why?" "What are your problems?" "I just, uh" "Men." "I have terrible trouble with men." "Why?" "Why?" "Whenever a man gets close, I get crazy." "Well, you're goin' with Jack." "That's something else." "He's sweet, and he really cares about me." "And it's solid." "I need that." "As soon as I saw you in the lobby, I thought you'd be absolutely fun for me." "You've got an incredible sixth sense to pick me out of that whole crowd of people." "I'm nothing but trouble." "Nothin but trouble?" "I can handle it." "There they are!" "What is going on here?" "This is disgraceful!" " I thought something terrible happened to you." "The car broke down, that's all." "What does everybody want from me?" "Leave me alone." "I don't want to go back." "I'm tired of everything." "I'm tired of my lawyer and accountant." "And I can't help anybody." "I can't help the cancer society," "And the blind people and the kidney victims." "I can't help my sister." "And I don't want to get married." "The last thing I need now is a family and a commitment, and" "Isobel?" "Isobel?" "Sandy?" "You know you're my hero." "Oh, my god!" "He's dead!" "It's a shame." "Poor fool, he's dead," "And he never really found out the meaning of life." "I treated him." "He was a complicated patient." "He saw reality too clearly." "Faulty denial mechanism." "Failed to block out the terrible truths of existence." "In the end, his inability to push away the awful facts of being in the world... rendered his life meaningless." "Or as one great Hollywood producer said," ""Too much reality is not what the people want."" "Sandy Bates suffered a depression... common to many artists in middle age." "In my latest paper for the Psychoanalytic Journal..." "I have named it "Ozymandius Melancholia."" "Thank you." "Thank you." "Well, Sandy Bates's works will live on after him." "But what good is it if I can't pinch women or hear any music?" "And now, in this classic scene from his Academy Award winning motion picture," "I would trade that Oscar for one more second of life." "He deals with the subject of immortality, a subject that plagued him." "In this film, he played the part of god." "This was not easy, folks," "Because I didn't know what the hell I was doing, and I don't have a good voice for god." "He received an Academy Award nomination for his convincing portrayal of god," "Although they had to use another actor's voice." "And though this plaque is not an Academy Award, and its presentation is posthumous," "I want to present it to that great comedian, the late Sandy Bates." "Thank you very much." "Thank you so much." "I'm very honored to get this, you can imagine." "Some time ago I had a love affair that ended sort of unhappily." "And, um, just a little while back, just before I died, in fact," "I was on the operating table and I was searching... to try and find something to hang on to." "'Cause when you're dying, your life suddenly really does become very authentic." "And I was reaching for something to give my life meaning, and a memory flashed through my mind." "It was one of those great spring days." "It was Sunday, and you knew summer would be coming soon." "That morning, Dorrie and I had gone for a walk in the park." "We came back to the apartment, we were just sort of sitting around." "And I put on a record of Louis Armstrong, which is music I grew up loving." "It was very, very pretty." "I happened to glance over, and I saw Dorrie sitting there." "And I remember thinking to myself... how terrific she was and how much I loved her." "I guess it was the combination of everything-- the sound of that music," "And the breeze," "And how beautiful Dorrie looked to me-- and for one brief moment, everything seemed to come together perfectly, and I felt happy, almost indestructible in a way." "It's funny." "That simple little moment of contact... moved me in a very, very profound way." "# Sometimes I wonder why I spend the lonely nights #" "# Mmm, baby oh, I know #" "# Dreaming of a song the melody haunts my memory #" "# And I'm once again with you #" "# When our love was new oh, baby #" "# Each kiss an inspiration baby-Baa-Baa-Loo #" "# That was long ago #" "# Now my consolation is in the stardust of a song #" "# Beside a garden wall when stars are bright #" "# You walk in my arms baby, baby #" "# The nightingale tells his fairy tale #" "# Of paradise where roses grow #" "# Though I dream in vain oh, baby #" "# In my heart it will remain #" "# My stardust melody #" "# The memory of love's refrain #" "# The memory of love's refrain #" "Cop-out artist!" "That was so beautiful." "Why do all comedians turn out to be sentimental bores?" "He's all right, he just fainted." "It's just nervous tension." "Dorrie." "He had some hallucination about being shot with a .32 pistol." "Dorrie." "Isobel." "Isobel!" "I want to talk to you." "I don't want to talk to you!" "Don't be silly." "I want to invite you to my brother's restaurant." "My brother aaozzie's got a terrific restaurant." "No, no, I don't" "Armenian food." "My mother's the cook." "I don't eat Armenian food." "We need a picture of you, maybe sitting at a table." "No, no, no." "It'd really be terrific." "Wh-What's the matter?" "The Rolls Royce." "Yeah, it's mine." "I already went through that." "We found a .32 caliber pistol in the glove box." "That's mine." "I carry a pistol." "It's a" " I have a thing about Nazis." "It's a little paranoid weakness I have." "You have a permit, I'm sure." "I don't need a permit." "I never shoot the gun." "But I've had family that's had problems, that kind of thing." "So, I" " It's strictly a Nazi" "I'm sorry, but" "We'll have to have you come down and answer a few questions." "That won't be necessary." "You can make an exception in my case." "I'm a celebrity." "Isobel, I want you to come and live with me." "No, thank you." "Really, I don't want" "Don't be ridiculous." "You make me feel ridiculous." "I've been under stress." "You know what I mean?" "The broken romance and the death of a friend." "Go find Dorrie." "She's much better for you." "No, that's over." "Believe me." "I don't want to hear any more!" "I love you." "I mean" "This has been a very, very interesting weekend for me." "A lot of strange thoughts went through my mind." "I feel differently about a lot of things." "I am not your type." "You like those dark woman with all their problems." "Those dark "woman"?" "No!" "They give you a hard time, and you like it." "You think I like that?" "No, you're wrong." "I was thinking about a lot of unusual things." "And I feel much" " I feel lighter." "Do you know what I mean?" "And I had a very remarkable idea for a new ending for my movie." "We're on a train, and there are many sad people on it." "I have no idea where it's heading." "Could be anywhere." "Could be the same junkyard." "But it's not as terrible as I originally thought it was because, you know," "We like each other, and we have some laughs, there's a lot of closeness." "The whole thing is a lot easier to take." "I don't like it." "It's too sentimental." "So what?" "It's a good sentimental." "There's this character that's based on you that's very warm and giving." "And you're absolutely, uh, nuts over me." "You're crazy about me." "You think I'm the most wonderful thing in the world." "You're in love with me despite the fact that I do a lot of foolish things," "'Cause you realize down deep I'm not evil or anything." "Just floundering around." "Just ridiculous maybe." "Just searching, okay?" "I don't think it's realistic." "Now you're gonna bring up realism, after, after" "This is a hell of a time to" "I know one thing." "A huge, big, wet kiss would go a long way to selling this idea." "I'm very serious." "I think this is a big finish." "You know?" "He just killed me." "Did you feel that?" "I think it was great." "I can't believe the stuff he gets into." "It's so deep." "He's always on the money." "All that stuff about life, and how everybody should love each other." "He's telling us heavy, original things." "He's always been heavy." "What did you think the significance of the Rolls Royce was?" "I think that represents his car." "Really?" "I'm fat." "Fat?" "Come on." "You're not fat." "I am." "I mean" "That is ridiculous." "I tried to play the role sympathetically," "But the role was just too thin." "He said, "wear this mustache." "It'll be funny." So I listened to him." "You looked so beautiful, I couldn't believe it." "But can you hear me?" "Can you hear my English?" "Your English was fine." "It was fine." "I want to ask you." "Did you find when you did kissing scenes with him" "Did he open his mouth and wiggle his tongue around?" "And he never lets you go." "It's the most irritating thing." "It's amazing, rash." "From this he makes a living?" "I like a melodrama," "A musical comedy with a plot." "Subtitles by FYI-Media."