""Not by the scales" ""on our chinny-chin-chins," ""said the three little brachiosaurs." ""So the big bad dilophosaurus roared back," ""then I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your house down."" "And he took a deep breath, and some other stuff happened." "The end." "Heh heh heh." "Daddy!" "I'm awake!" "Ha ha ha ha!" "Hey, it's baby's bedtime." "Daddy's got to get on with his life." "Want another story." "If daddy reads you another story, you'll just want another and another." "And then I'll be reading, and we'll be learning things together, and daddy won't have any time for television." "Tell me a story, or no one sleeps!" "O.K." "Uh..." "Once upon a time, there was a little boy called Earl who only wanted to grow up to sing show tunes on the big stage." "Heard it." "But it's my favorite." "Tell me a story about me." "Where did I come from?" "From an egg." "Where'd the egg come from?" "Well, eggs come from mommies and daddies." "Where do mommy and daddies come from?" "More eggs!" "Get the picture?" "Now, good night!" "Where did the first mommy and daddy come from?" "I don't know." "Uh, more eggs." "But where did they come from?" "Uh, they came from, uh..." "How did we all get here?" "And why are we here?" "They..." "I..." "From..." "Daddy?" "They--they..." "Err..." "I don't know!" "I can't figure out why we exist." "I never thought about it before." "I just figured we exist to do things for Mr. richfield." "But beyond that." "Why do dinosaurs exist on this planet?" "For what purpose?" "Maybe there are no answers." "Maybe we don't exist at all." "Maybe none of this exists, not--not these trees, not this log, not even these doughnuts!" "Waah!" "Hey!" "Hey, hey, hey!" "That's crazy talk, sid." "You start questioning the existence of snack foods, and everything falls apart!" "Hey, you jaw-flappin' lowlife sacks of compost!" "Why aren't you working?" "Sir, what's the point of work when we don't even know why we exist?" "Why you exist?" "I'll tell you why you exist." "So you can push down trees so cities can be built for dinosaurs to live in so they can push down more trees so more cities can be built so dinosaurs can push down..." "You're right!" "I don't know why we exist!" "Oh, no!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Honey, I'm home." "It certainly is an intriguing question." "Where did we come from?" "Who created us?" "What is our purpose?" "Aagh!" "Why are we here?" "To feed me!" "Let's go!" "I'm starving!" "But you're the one who asked the question." "Doesn't it bother you that no one knows the answers?" "It bothers me I'm not eating." "Aagh." "Hi, mom." "Hi, baby." "Why are you home so early?" "Robbie brought up those weird questions at school." "Everybody was kind of freaked." "Did anyone have any answers?" "No." "They panicked and shut down the school, which would be great if it weren't for this feeling that life is empty and meaningless." "Speaking of empty!" "Have you seen what's happening?" "Everyone's grappling with questions of existence and meaning." "It's exciting to be alive." "Shoot me, Fran." "End the pain!" "My brain hurts from all these questions." "Oh, my." "This is too much for us." "If only we could stop this thinking." "Just for a half hour or so." "It' s t.G.Y.W.A. On abc." "And now, back to..." "Hey." "Honey, the buttersons are coming over, and I can't find the roast." "Maybe it smelled your kumquat surprise and ran away." "Oh!" "[Audience laughs]" "Danny, do you know where the roast is?" "Hey, don't look at me." "I'm no roast rustler." "Fran, no more pesky thoughts in this little head." "It's like being wrapped in a warm blanket of cheese." "We interrupt this pablum for a special report." "Here is dnn news correspondent Howard handupme." "The nation is gripped by utter panic." "Dinosaurs everywhere desert factories and classrooms to ask never-before-asked questions of existence." ""Why are we here?"" ""Where did we come from?"" ""What is the meaning of life?"" "Why am I sitting behind this phony desk reading these-- these words?" "What's--what's the point of any of this?" "Uh, uh, aah!" "[Slap]" "Thanks." "I needed that." "Sorry." "Huh?" "This just in." "The council of elders has called an emergency session to deal with the current crisis and get pangaea back to work." "Their first task-- find out who started this whole mess and point the finger of blame." "Huh?" "[Doorbell rings]" "Uh-oh." "All cower and grovel." "The council of elders is in session." "Ha." "Ahem." "Who stands before the court?" "Um, this is miss eunice feldman." "She wants a speed bump installed on her street." "Uh..." "Ha ha!" "My mistake." "This is the sinclair party." "They're charged with "tearing asunder the very social fabric of all pangaea."" "We'd also be interested in speed bumps." "If there's time." "Silence!" "Because of the vexing and unwelcome questions of this small child, the economy is ruined, the government is on the verge of collapse, and chaos reigns in the streets." "Say you're sorry." "I'm sorry." "Well, we're outta here." "The child must pay for his crime." "Why?" "Because that is justice." "What's justice?" "Well, justice is a system of laws and rules that, um, dinosaurs have formulated to live by." "Why?" "What?" "He's doing it again." "You see what I'm up against?" "Enough!" "I hereby sentence you to-- what good does it do to punish the baby?" "The questions he asked are already out there." "Then, uh, we'll punish everybody." "What if we were to gather together the greatest minds in pangaea?" "Hold an open forum and talk about why we're here." "Hmm." "You mean, actually try to answer the questions?" "Oh, why, that's it!" "We'll give them answers." "Quick, simple answers that will calm everyone down and send them back to work." "Wait, you're missing the point." "But we must make sure in advance that the answers are so simple that everyone can understand them, even the most thick-skulled simpleton." "Then let us take no chances." "Consult the public records book to find the biggest boob in all the land." "Biggest boob, uh..." "Biggest blob, biggest bulb, um..." ""Biggest boob."" "Summon Earl sinclair." "Oh!" "Oh..." "Over there." "Oh, my!" "What a coincidence." "You hear, son?" "The biggest!" "Yeah." "Let us now hear from the first philosopher." "What is the answer to the meaning of existence?" "I am believing that all life sprang from from the glistening dewdrop on the nose of a frog as it leapt from the celestial lily pad in the enormous pond of time." "I'm lost." "Thank you." "Next!" "I believe the reason we are here on earth is to spread charity and good will among all dinosaurs, for only through good works and sacrifice can we find peace and a sense of purpose and finally come to know why we've been given" "this blessed gift of life." "That's beautiful!" "Aw!" "Yes." "Truly a guide to life." "Too much work." "Doesn't have a hat." "Next!" "O.K." "Picture this-- a giant magic flying potato swoops down, makes a few magical gestures." "Bing, bang, boom." "Universe!" "Huh?" "So how do you love it so far?" "Uh..." "A potato?" "That doesn't explain anything." "Wait a minute!" "Wait a minute!" "Are you talking about a baked potato?" "Sure, sure." "You know, sour cream, chives, bacon bits, whatever." "Slathered in butter?" "Look, look." "The idiot's buying it." "We may be on to something here." "Yes." "Potatoes are very popular." "They're a tasty treat everyone likes." "From there..." "Hmm, hmm..." "It's just a hop, skip, and a jump to worship." "Wait!" "I got more!" "Now, uh, the potato's roots, they run deep, right?" "And they got a million eyes." "I'm sure it's a colorful story." "We'll take it from here." "We've only heard from three guys." "There's still a hundred more waiting." "We should hear what they have to say." "Oh, sure, sure, sure." "We could listen to every suggestion and create a well-balanced synthesis that incorporates a wide spectrum of belief systems." "But it's almost lunchtime, and I'm getting cranky." "And you'll decide the great issues because you're hungry?" "I only had a muffin today!" "It's decided." "Potato-ism is the source of all answers to the great questions of life." "We'll iron out all the specifics after lunch." "Lunch?" "But--but..." "You--you--y" "please have a pen or pencil ready to copy down the following information." "Dinosaurs and all living things were created by the great potato-- an omnipotent, all-knowing starchy tuber who rules the universe." "Each dinosaur is like a single potato, springing forth from the earth with eyes to see the world around it and lots of potassium." "How do you spell "potassium"?" "P-o-t-- forget it." "Our purpose is to serve the great potato by giving our troubled, questioning minds a rest, confident that the great book of potato will provide all the answers we need." "What a joke." "They actually believe we're stupid enough to fall for this?" "I got to get back to work." "I got to get to school." "Mom..." "I have to say, it's very reassuring to have answers to such disturbing questions." "Don't you care where the answers came from?" "Sometimes it's better to have some answers than no answers at all." "What harm could it do?" "I realize we've just been introduced to potato-ism, and many of you have questions." "Yeah, you're darn right." "And I can think of no more appropriate forum to scrutinize this new ideology than right here in science class, where the quest for truth is Paramount." "Yes!" "Finally!" "That quest is made much easier with this handy index to all life's answers from the great book of potato." "What?" "Oh, is there a problem, Mr. sinclair?" "This is supposed to be science, but there's nothing scientific about it." "Of course there is." "We have beakers, bunsen burners, gross, squiggly things in jars." "Don't you realize what will happen to our society if we stop asking questions and rely on that book?" "No, but I believe the answer is on page 476." "Forget it." "I'm not buying this." "Ohh, then, Mr. sinclair," "I'm afraid there's only one thing left for me to do." "Let's see." ""Loss of a loved one," ""marital strife, radial tire maintenance..."" "Ah, here is it." ""Refusal to accept potato-ism."" "Robert sinclair," ""you are hereby expelled from high school" ""and outcast from society." ""Your life will now spiral downward into oblivion."" "We will now stand and recite the pledge of potato-ism." "Yeah, right." "Made it home just in time." "It's the hour of the potato." "Where's Robbie?" "He hasn't come home yet." "It's on." "Good evening, fellow pangaeans." "All hail the great potato." "[In unison] Hail the great potato!" "I'm sick of potatoes!" "I trust you've all welcomed potato-ism into your lives and have found comfort in its answers." "But we, your government/ religious leaders, would like to simplify your life even further." "Starting tonight, we'll not only provide answers to questions you've raised, but also answer questions you haven't even thought of." "Life keeps getting better and better." "Should I work late, even though I'm not getting paid for it?" "The answer is..." "Yes, you should." "Ohh.Ohh. Ohh." "May I send the government extra money on my income tax?" "The answer-- yes, as much as possible." "Do you want rice or stuffing?" "The answer is..." "Stuffing." "Huh?" "Wow." "They're good." "They're brainwashing you." "Robbie, where have you been?" "Spiraling downward into oblivion." ""Dear Mr. and Mrs. sinclair," ""your son Robert was expelled from school today" ""for rejecting all known belief" ""and threatening to obliterate the foundations of social order."" "Again?" "What is it with you?" "Robbie, how could you?" "They're making all this potato stuff up." "This is not the truth." "They're just feeding you easy answers to pacify you." "That way they can control your lives." "Yeah, well, it's about time." "Our lives could use a little controlling by a higher, omniscient, more knowledgeable source." "A potato?" "Robbie..." "I realize this isn't an easy adjustment for you." "A situation like this calls for a dose of time-tested parental advice." "I'll get the book." "Yeah, run to the book." "Don't think on your own." "Look up all the answers to all your problems." "Jeez." "Hey, you." "Do your Maverick views make you feel like you're the only sane voice in a world gone mad?" "Yeah." "You're wrong!" "Embrace potato-ism." "Be like everybody else!" "Oh, brother." "Jeez." "Son..." "What?" "Can we have a chat..." "Father to social outcast?" "Don't tell me how a vegetable can improve my life." "Robbie, we're all very upset, but we must work our problems out as a family." "So we called the potato hot line." "They're sending over some trained counselors to guide you through this passage." "[Crash]" "Yah!" "Hyah!" "Hyah!" "Ohh!" "Good afternoon, citizens." "Hail the potato." "Hail." "Hail." "Son, we understand you're finding the transition to potato-ism fraught with difficulty." "It can be an anxious and puzzling time." "We're here to help." "We're here to help." "Get your hands off me!" "They're hurting him." "Shouldn't we stop them?" "The answer's "no," lady." "Look it up." "Don't you see what's happening?" "[Gasps]" "Fran..." "There." "No more troubling questions." "Hail the potato." "Hail." "[Muffled protests]" "Ow!" "Uh..." "Earl, I think we made a mistake." "Oh, I'm sure it's all for the best." "Hang in there, son!" "Don't worry!" "Someday we'll look back on this and have a good, hearty laugh." "Ha ha ha ha." "Programs!" "Get your programs!" "Complete statistics of heretics!" "Burn, baby!" "[Laughing]" "My fellow pangaeans, welcome, and hail the great potato." "Hail the great potato!" "Hail the great potato!" "It's wonderful to be here tonight with all of you for this joyous celebration of song, merriment, and sacrificial burnings." "Yeah!" "Yeah." "And could you have asked for better weather?" "Nice night." "What's going on?" "[Gasp]" "That's Robbie!" "Earl, they're going to burn him!" "I'm sure it's all just a scare tactic." "Well, it's working." "Robert sinclair, you are hereby charged with the act of willfully undermining the belief system we have held sacred since the beginning of--uh, well--this week!" "But I only asked a question." "Boo!" "Burn him!" "Boo!" "Before we torch this heathen agitator and watch his wretched corpse snap and crackle in the fires of goodness..." "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Will the owner of a brown station wagon please report to the lot?" "You're blocking an exit." "Oh, my gosh!" "Daddy, you've got to do something!" "Yeah." "I got to move the car." "What a day I'm having." "Earl, that's our son." "I know it looks pretty bad, but I'm sure there's some explanation in the book of potato." "What could that book possibly say to justify what they're doing?" "Um, here." "Take a look." "All righty." "If everyone would grab a torch and mosey over to the fire-pit area, we can get started." "Hurry!" "It's got to be here." "And you kids with the marshmallows, step up to the front, o.K.?" "Any last words, heretic?" "Uh, I take it all back, and I'm really sorry?" "You're also kindling." "Light the fire!" "Earl, hurry up." "Pop, hurry!" "It doesn't say." "I guess this book doesn't have all the answers." "[All gasp]" "What did you say?" "Uh-oh." "Hail to the potato, dad?" "Point taken." "Mmm." "Burn them!" "Burn them!" "Burn them!" "Burn them!" "Burn them!" "The potato demands that those who question its glory be roasted to a golden brown!" "[All cheer]" "Light the ceremonial fires!" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Right, chief." "Ooh." "No, no." "You see, dad?" "No one cares about searching for truth." "They only want easy answers." "Easy answers aren't always the best ones." "Yeah." "Ooh, look!" "Marshmallow s'mores." "Burn them!" "Burn them!" "Can't anyone stop this?" "Oh, my son." "Nothing on earth can alter the sacred will of the potato!" "[All cheer]" "[Wind blows]" "The fire-- it's gone out!" "Robbie." "Hey." "Hey, the wind!" "Where did it come from?" "Look, it blew out the fire." "But he said the fire was the will of the potato." "Yeah." "How could the potato allow that to happen?" "Uh, well, uh, it's uh..." "It's not for us to try to understand the mysterious ways of the potato..." "For, uh, for its plan is beyond the Ken of, uh, mere mortals!" "You're making this up." "Yeah." "You don't have a clue!" "No!" "Yeah." "We need answers!" "You're right." "We all need answers, but we can't make the mistake of accepting the first answer that's handed to us just because it's there." "We liked that because it was easy." "But it turned out to be a fraud, right?" "Well, yes." "What have you learned?" "Well, uh, we have to explore and think and, after a personal spiritual quest, decide what the answers are for ourselves?" "Yes." "And then...." "Kill everyone who disagrees with us." "No!" "Everyone must be allowed to believe what they want to believe." "Ah." "You know, I always sort of believed that the universe was coughed up by the great congested warthog." "That's..." "Interesting, and you're entitled to that..." "Belief." "Um, what if all life were forked out of the flaky crust of a chicken pot pie?" "Think they'll ever get around to unchaining us, son?" "Yeah." "Yeah, if they ever figure out the meaning of life." "Well, it's a beautiful night." "Oh, yeah." "It sure is." "Look at those stars." "Yeah." "Dad, where do you think the stars come from?" "I've never thought about it before, son..." "But now I think I will."