"to give them super strength." "You know, I thought that was to numb the sense of impending doom." "Exactly." "We're just five friends on a night out, having a good time." "(THUNDER RUMBLING)" "I need the toilet." "Go on then." "You've earned it." "Huh?" "You're doing really good, Oliver." "(SIGHS)" "He didn't make it this far last time." "I'm proud of him." "You're enjoying this, aren't you?" "Yeah, five guys on a night out, having a great time." "Pretending to have a great time." "Are you pretending?" "If we get out of here alive, I'm going to kill you." "We're still in the dark, Gary." "Yeah, our families could be in danger for all we know." "I know, my mum could be dead." "For reals this time." "Hey, why don't we just ask somebody?" "Who?" "The Reverend Green." "Come on." "Wait." "What the fuck are you doing?" "I'm going to go and have a little chat with The Reverend Green." "You're going to buy drugs?" "I am going to go over there and subtly check if that is The Reverend Green and if it is, I can ask him what's going on, and possibly buy some drugs." "But what if he's one of them?" "No, me and The Reverend had a highly sophisticated code when discussing the purchase of herbal narcotics." "If he doesn't understand me, it means he's one of them and I will simply walk away." "Ah!" "Have you got any drugs?" "I don't do that anymore, Gary." "Do what?" "That." "That why you're in a suit, is it?" "'Cause drug dealing is not good enough for you?" "There are no drug dealers anymore, Gary." "I've got a properjob in a proper office." "You had a proper office." "That was the gents' toilets." "Nothing wrong with doing your business in the toilet." "Look, a lot has changed since you have left." "I know." "How much do you know?" "A little." "How much is a little?" "The town has been taken over by robots full of blue stuff." "Shh." "Keep your voice down." "You don't even know what you're talking about." "Tell us then." "Well, they're not robots." "Do you even know what robot means?" "Course I do." "It's like, "Hello, lam a robot."" "It means "slave" and believe me, they are not slaves." "Are you their prisoner?" "No, lam very happy." "(SCOFFS) Tell your face." "Hey!" "What's going on?" "The town's been invaded by robots who aren't robots and The Rev's their prisoner." "I am not." "We're leaving first thing." "We can get you out of here." "I'm not going." "It's not what you think." "This is for all our benefit." "You've said too much, Trevor." "Yeah, put a cork in it, Trevor." "I'm just trying to help." "It's not your place to help." "They will have everything in hand." "Are you guys robots?" "Well, the word robot actually comes from an old Czech word robotnik..." "...meaning slave." "And we are not slaves." "We are very, very happy." "And not robots." "Oh, my God, are these guys robots?" "Shut up about robots!" "I say we shut up about everything!" "(PHONE RINGING)" "(INDISTINCT)" "Trevor." "It's your supervisor." "Hello, Trevor." "Hello, sir." "But..." "I understand." "Thanks a bunch." "What did I miss?" "Your friends trying to help." "We don't need your help." "Well, what should we do?" "I suggest you get on your way." "I think we should do what he says." "Okay" "(GARY CHATTERING)" "GARY:" "Here we go." "Come on!" "Gary." "Gary!" "Let's just get in and out of this one, yeah?" "No more making new friends." "Gentlemen!" "The prodigal sons return!" "What will it be, one of our guest ales perchance?" "Might I recommend five pints of Crowning Glory?" "Rather fitting, wouldn't you say, Gary?" "What?" "Sorry." "What?" "It's a delightful brew." "Hoppy, nutty, foamy." "Does it have a surprisingly fruity note that lingers on the tongue?" "You're obviously a connoisseur." "(LAUGHS)" "Then you'll already know that it's a rare treat for rogues, reverends, royalty and all good folks between." "Five of those, please." "Welcome home, boys." "I don't remember him being that friendly." "He's obviously one of them." "How can he be?" "He remembered me." "We don't know what they remember." "OLIVER:" "Maybe they have selective memories." "Yeah, like what's his name?" "Me." "Maybe he's one of the others." "Like The Reverend." "It is very hard to tell, isn't it?" "Yeah, I mean, is he one of them or is he one of them?" "Wait, wait, which ones are the thems again?" "Well, they're both thems, aren't they?" "But there's two ways of saying it." "Is he one of them or is he one of them?" "We need different terms." "One for the people who aren't robots and one for the robots who aren't robots." "All right, we need to be able to differentiate between them, them and us." "Yeah, I think the pronouns are really confusing." "ALL:" "Yes." "I don't even know what a pronoun is." "It's a word that can function by itself as a noun which refers to something else in the discourse." "I don't get it." "You just used one." "Did I?" "Yeah. "it" is a pronoun." "What is?" "It." "Is it?" "Christ." "Look, we just need a fucking word so we can identify who's who." "He's a blank, she's a blank, those two people are definitely blanks." "Sam." "I got this, Steve." "All right, Sam?" "Oh, crumbs." "H°W'$ Yourni ht - (sums) g gmng?" "Good." "Sort of." "What do you mean "sort of"?" "Well, it's weird, isn't it?" "You come back and everything's the same, but sort of different." "Different how?" "Just weird." "How weird?" "What are you getting at, Gary?" "Come with me." "Fuck's sake, Gary, take a hint." "It's all right, I'm not trying to have sex with you." "Why are we in the disabled toilets then?" "There's something I need to tell you right now, unless you do want to have sex, in which case I'll tell you afterwards." "Tell me right now." "Have you noticed anything creepy about The Twins apart from the fact that they're twins?" "Just because they're twins doesn't automatically make them creepy." "It does a little bit." "You had sex with them." "A, I did not, and, B, how did you know about that?" "A, it's a small town, B, I'm not stupid and, C, they told me." "Right." "Well, I did once, but I was wasted, which was creepy because it was like there was four of them." "I am not proud of it." "I am a bit." "Is this what you wanted to tell me?" "No, this is... (SAM SLAPS) (GARY SCREAMS)" "Are you okay, Sam?" "Are you okay, Sam?" "I need a cigarette." "Nobots?" "How about Fauxbots?" "I think we should get away from the whole robots thing." "Steven?" "What's he up to?" "Oh, don't worry, he's probably just trying to fuck Oliver's sister." "And)'" "Oh, my God, that man is full of shit." "I know that's not a surprise to you." "What did he say, Sam?" "What did he say, Sam?" "He said that Newton Haven has been taken over by robots full of blue stuff and if we don't do what they say, they will make us their prisoners." "Did you believe him?" "Did you believe him?" "No, of course not." "Did you believe him?" "Did you believe him?" "What?" "(SCREAMS)" "(GRUNTING)" "(GASPS)" "See?" "Come on, Sam." "You know better than to believe Gary King." "Oh, crumbs." "Sam!" "(MUFFLED) God!" "You creepy bitches, get off!" "(GRUNTING)" "Chuck us a ciggie." "Oh." "Gary, what's happening?" "I told you in the disableds." "Oh, yes, you did." "We should get inside, eh?" "Otherwise people are going to ask what the hell's going on." "What the hell's going on?" "Steve, I got this." "Got what?" "Sam, he's not good enough for you." "What?" "What?" "We've been through some crazy shit tonight and it's really put things in perspective for me, and if everything is as fucked up as it seems, then there's something I need to tell you." "You might think this is because I've had seven pints, but it's not." "It's not." "I'm in love with you, Sam." "I always have been, and it breaks my heart to see you waste your affections on Gary fucking King." "Hey, that's a bit harsh." "Oh, no, you've got it all wrong." "There's nothing between..." "And while I'm being honest, just to lay it all out there, lam currently seeing a fitness instructor." "She's 26 years old, but I would drop her in a heartbeat if it meant that I had one last chance with you." "Steven, there's nothing between me and Gary King." "(BOTH GRUNT)" "Oh, fuck." "(GRUNTING)" "(SCREAMS)" "Sorry." "(SCREAMS)" "Hey!" "Get your feet off her!" "Pop its head off!" "Pop its head off like an aspirin bottle." "(SCREAMS)" "Blue-bloods?" "Nothing suggested in the last three minutes has been better than Smashy-Smashy Egg Men." "Nothing." "What the hell's going on?" "Did you guys think of a name for the robots who aren't robots?" "I'm afraid we've drawn a blank." "Well, we just had a barney with two blanks in the beer garden." "SAM:" "We have to leave now!" "GARY:" "Agreed." "Let's hit The Mermaid." "Wait, what?" "Number eight." ""Number eight"?" "Oh, fuck." "Andy, what's happening?" "Gary thinks we should keep on with the crawl because they know what we're doing, but they don't know that we know what they're doing." "And basically no one else has a better idea, so fuck it." "What?" "Wait!" "SAM:" "Guys!" "Guys!" "I've got a better idea." "I'm parked right round here somewhere." "Haul it." "Just go!" "Steven, tell them!" "Gary said they'll get us if we try and leave now." "We're way past leaving now." "Come on." "(LOUD MUSIC PLAYING)" "(LAUGHS) Oh, yeah." "This is what the kids want." "This is a bit mad, isn't it?" "This is perfect." "We can hide out in here." "I'll get the drinks in." "Good plan, O-Man." "Hey!" "Keep an eye out for blanks." "You've got it." "Why didn't you say anything?" "About what?" "About what you said in the garden." "I always wanted to." "It just never seemed like the right moment." "Something always got in the way." "Here you go, get these down you." "Thanks." "Steven?" "Please!" "I have so much to live for!" "It's me, you numpty." "Basil!" "I knew seeing your faces again would spell trouble." "Wait." "How do I know it's really you?" "Because I'm the only one who's going to tell you the truth about Newton Haven." "Now, do you recall the events of the evening of June the 22nd, 1990?" "No, but I know a man who does." "Here you go." "Hey." "See anyone we know?" "The Marmalade Sandwich." "The Marmalade Sandwich." "They look good." "It's the lights." "It's the drink." "Who cares what it is?" "SAM:" "Steven?" "Steven?" "That was the night they arrived." "Remember the shooting star?" "That was them." "Nothing happened at first." "They were getting ready, burrowing in underground, preparing." "Not long after you lot left, people started to change." "Just one or two at first, then more." "They replaced people of influence, taking over the institutions, remaking, remodeling, refurbishing." "Doing everything they could to make us join them." "(LOUD MUSIC PLAYING)" "I can't find Steven." "Where are the others?" "They're blending in." "Oh, crumbs." "It's not like the replacements were evil, far from it." "People got a lot friendlier." "That's how they do it." "It's not an invasion, it's a merger." "They don't want to get rid of us, not if they can help it." "They just want to make us more like them." "Change the way we think." "Bring us into line with all the others." "Become another link in their chain." "Which is fine, unless you say no." "That's when you get replaced." "Once they get your DNA, they've got you." "How do they do that?" "BASH;" "Any way they like." "Blood tests, the nit nurse, sweat, kissing, saliva on the rim of a glass." "Why do you think I drink with this crazy straw?" "Not so crazy now, is it?" "If you're not on their side, they'll create a version that is." "They can bring you back exactly the same or even make you young again." "It looks like you, it even has your memories, but really it's just a vessel to spread their message." "Trust, love, respect, desire." "Replaced in the name of progress." "So, what happens to the people who get replaced?" "The empties?" "Don't ask me what happens to them." "Why, what happens to the empties?" "I told you not to ask me that!" "Go!" "Get out, before it's too late!" "Basil?" "I said go!" "This just can't be good." "Sam, who was the boy that you liked in sixth form?" "Adrian?" "Adrian Keane." "Why?" "He's over there." "Hey, Sam." "How's life?" "Sam, we have to get out of here!" "We have to get out of here!" "Where are the others?" "They're blending in." "Oh, fuck!" "Gary!" "No, just one more song." "Gary, she's a blank!" "Don't be so judgmental." "Oh, for fuck..." "Oh, yeah." "Come on." "Still got it." "Enough's enough." "Let's go." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold up." "Hold up. (CHUCKLES)" "Where are you all going?" "ALL:" "We're leaving." "Really?" "What happened?" "Adrian Keane was in that bar." "Prick." "I thought you liked Adrian Keane." "Adrian Keane is dead." "Oh, God." "Adrian Keane died in a motorbike accident in Italy eight years ago." "Did he?" "They must have had his DNA on file." "That's how they were able to replicate him." "They know how to get to us, man." "They know everything." "They didn't know Adrian was dead." "They knew enough to tempt us." "They knew these three would fall for a bunch of girls in school uniform." "Hey, who wouldn't?" "Am I right?" "Fuck,yeah." "STEVEN:" "We've gotta get out of town, we've gotta get beyond it before it's too late." "OLIVER:" "Where are you getting all this from?" "STEVEN:" "Basil." "Mad Basil?" "He of the Bermuda Rhombus and the Aqua Nazis?" "Another good name for the band, Steve." "You're putting our lives in the hands of a crazy old man?" "He's not crazy!" "No, maybe he's not." "Or maybe he's a blank trying to lure us to the edge of town, onto those dark country roads where they can deal with us." "Yeah, we could end up dead in a field." "I hate fields." "OLIVER:" "Yes." "My thoughts precisely." "Steven's right." "We should go." "No, we're going to The Beehive." "Gary's plan is still the best we have." "Wait a minute." "The 1990-model Oliver was out of commission by this point in the evening." "What are you saying?" "I like the new you." "Huh." "Come on." "This is a mistake, isn't it?" "GARY:" "Hold up!" "Just stick with me." "GARY:" "Andy, come on!" "Here we go." "Pub number nine." "(LAUGHING)" "FUCK yes!" "That's the spirit, Pete!" "Spirits!" "We should do chasers." "Who is this guy?" "Come on." "Andy!" "It can't start without you." "You what?" "We can't start without you." "Now then." "Whose round is it?" "It's mine." "Mr. Shepherd!" "Is it Mr. Shepherd?" "Why don't you kids join me?" "You look like you could do with a drink." "Now, let's have a little chat about your future, shall we, hmm?" "Uh, Mr. Shepherd?" "Please, call me Guy." "All right." "Guy..." "(BOTH SNIGGER)" "Look at you." "Are you a robot?" "Does anyone know what robot means?" "Yeah." "I do!" "Yes, Gary." "It means "slave."" "Oh, very good, Gary." "Are you a robot, sir?" "No, Peter, of course I'm not a robot." "Sir?" "Yes, Steven." "But you're on their side, though?" "This is not about sides, Steven." "It's not about shirts versus skins." "It's about working together as one team." "I know it may seem a bit weird and a little bit scary, but please believe me, it's quite the opposite." "They're here to help." "To straighten us out." "To prepare us for the big league." "They've seen something in us, a potential." "There's a vast community of worlds up there, living together, peacefully, cooperatively." "And guess what?" "They want us along for the ride." "Pretty cool, eh, gang?" "(LAUGHING)" "So, (CLEARS THROAT) they're not here to harm us?" "Far from it, O-Man." "No, they're here to help." "I'm not saying they're afraid to get tough." "I certainly had to get tough with you in my day." "And what one amongst you wouldn't thank me for it?" "Hmm?" "In some respects, they're a lot like teachers." "Stern, yes." "A little frightening." "But it's all for our betterment." "So, what do you say we all go somewhere and talk about this properly?" "That wasn't properly?" "Well, I think it's pretty clear, guys, what Mr. Shepherd is trying to say is that... (ALL GASP)" "Andy!" "What the fuck?" "Yes, Andy." "What the fuck?" "WTF?" "(SCREAMS)" "(ALARMS RINGING)" "Humans, you leave us no recourse." "If you will not join us willingly, we will be forced to use other means of persuasion." "Now, please..." "(SCREAMS)" "I fucking hate this town!" "(GRUNTING)" "(SCREAMS)" "(SCREAMING)" "Oh, oh!" "Oh, crumbs, you're heavy." "Sorry." "Motherfucker!" "(EXCLAIMS)" "Andy!" "Twist the melon, man!" "Yeah!" "(GRUNTS)" "Sam, this is no way for a family to behave." "Sam, I'm disappointed in you." "O-Man!" "(GRUNTING)" "Okay, And)'" "Break it up." "It doesn't have to be like this." "It could be so much simpler, so completely painless." "If only you'd see the light." "OLIVER:" "Yes." "See, it's not about conflict, it's about togetherness." "Yes." "Let's try this again, shall we?" "How about another round?" "Nah, we're done here." "Yes, Gary, that appears to be the case." "(SNAPS) (ALARM RINGING)" "The Smokehouse!" "What?" "Just do it!" "Come on!" "This way!" "BOTH:" "Humans, this is your final warning." "Failure to comply will result in your... (GASPS)" "Humans, obey now, or face the consequences." "Let's go!" "(GRUNTING)" "Shit." "Oh, look, there's my car!" "Let's climb down the drainpipe." "I've got a better idea." "(CAR ALARM WAILING)" "Climb down the drainpipe." "Okay, just 9°" "Wait." "What about the others?" "Leave 'em with me, okay?" "I got this." "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I always land on my feet." "I don't know if that's true, Gary." "Just go." "Will you find out what happened to my brother?" "Yeah, of course, of course, and I'll look after Stevie for you, eh?" "He's a good guy." "He's better than me." "Gary, you're not a bad person, but you're not boyfriend material." "The whole "free spirit quick one in the disabled toilets" thing is kinda cool when you're 17, but not when you're facing 40." "There comes a time when you have to go forwards and not backwards." "Maybe if I hadn't left you behind that night, things would all be different." "It's not all about that night, Gary." "Isn't it?" "It doesn't have to be." "We'll always have the disableds, though, won't we?" "Yeah." "Yeah, we'll always have the disableds." "(STARTS ENG I N E)" "Oh, no." "(GRUNTING)" "STEVEN:" "Where's Sam?" "I put her in her car." "You did what?" "I put her in her car." "I just told her to leave." "You just sent away the only one of us sober enough to drive?" "Yeah." "You just couldn't stand the fact that she might prefer me to you." "That's not true." "It is true, Gary!" "I was getting somewhere." "We held hands." "I was just trying to help!" "You were trying to help yourself, more like!" "Jesus, I do something right for a change and you fuckers get on my case." "Wow, that's the first time I've ever heard you admit being wrong." "I said I did something right!" "Yeah, "for a change"." "GARY:" "So?" "Meaning the rest of the time you're wrong." "Not necessarily." "Look, I just thought it was best to keep her out of harm's way." "And what about us, Gary?" "Aren't we in harm's way?" "We're all right, Pete." "Come on, we're The Five Musketeers." "No, we're the Four Musketeers." "Wait, how do we know you put her in the car?" "How do we know you're you?" "Of course I'm me!" "Well, who the fuck are you, Gary?" "I'm Gary King." "There's only one Gary King." "How do I know you guys are you?" "We've been together the whole time." "You might all not be you." "How did you know O-Man wasn't O-Man?" "Because his birthmark was back." "GARY:" "What does that prove?" "Because of what Basil said." "They make a copy from your DNA." "That's why he had his birthmark." "He was new, like a baby." "Like a man-baby." "Like a "maybe"." "Oliver with none of the shit that had happened to the real Oliver." "ANDY:" "The laser surgery!" "So the blanks really are just blank?" "No wear and tear, no scars." "Steven, in 1987 we were playing cricket and I accidentally pushed you onto a broken bottle that nearly went up your ass." "So?" "Show us your bum." "Very nice." "Thank you." "Pete, you got that 50cc Suzuki in 1988, and you let me have a go on it and I ran over your leg." "What the fuck?" "Oh, wait, it's the other one." "(CHUCKLES)" "Andy, in 1986 we re-enacted the Knife Game from Aliens and I stabbed you in the middle finger." "How about December 1997, when you DDT!" "and I drove you to the hospital four times over the limit and I ended up rolling the car and almost severing my femoral artery, at which point you made a miraculous fucking recovery and ran off into the night, leaving me to get arrested" "after 12 hours of life-saving surgery?" "Either one of those will do." "Thank you." "What about you?" "That's easy." "That could have been drawn on." "Aren't all tattoos drawn on?" "Yeah." "ANDY:" "Show us your arm." "What?" "Show us your arm." "No, no." "You fell off stage at the fifth-year ball fucking around and dislocated your elbow." "You've got a scar where they put the metal plate in." "I don't have to show you anything, all right?" "I'm Gary King." "I know I'm me." "If I'm not me, then how do I know that carved into that beam above your head are the words "King Gary"?" "But it doesn't say "King Gary"." "Yes, it does." "Doesn't it?" "No. it says "King Gay"." "Some cunt scrubbed out the "R"!" "That was me." "GARY:" "Why?" ""King Gay". (LAUGHS) That means fuck-all anyway." "Mr. Shepherd remembered stuff, so did Oliver." "Selective memory, remember?" "We don't see you for years and you just pitch up and bring us here." "You better come out with some hard evidence that you're human, otherwise we're going to find out for ourselves." "You want evidence?" "There!" "That proves I'm human!" "It proves you're stupid." "Exactly!" "Ow!" "ALL:" "It's Gary." "It's Gary." "ANDY:" "The whole town's out looking for us." "That's a good thing." "If everybody's outside, that means nobody's inside." "Gary, wait!" "Fuck!" "(LAUGHING)" "ANDY:" "Gary, Gary!" "What do you mean "nobody's inside"?" "I mean we can still do this!" "STEVEN:" "Do what exactly?" "Oh, we're still on the crawl." "(LAUGHING)" ""King Gay"." "(LAUGHING)" "Peter?" "Peter." "I thought that was you." "Are you okay?" "Am I what?" "I know we didn't see eye to eye at school." "Goodness knows I regret that." "I wanted to say something back at the pub, but I felt so terribly ashamed by what I'd done." "Let me make it up to you, Peter." "Please." "Gary, you're out of your mind!" "We've come too far." "It's fucking suicide." "I know." "We are going to get to The World's End if it kills us." "Where's Pete?" "PETER:" "I hate you!" "You fucking bastard!" "I hate you!" "Pete!" "Leave it!" "Why are you doing this, Peter?" "We don't want to hurt you." "Come on, mate!" "It's not worth it!" "Yes, it fucking is!" "(SCREAMS)" "What's he doing?" "Oh, shit." "Peter..." "Peter..." "I must say, I'm very disappointed in you, Peter." "Hlpunchthek fucking lights out." "Andy!" "No, no, no, there's too many of them." "Pete." "Peter." "We gotta go." "Gary's right." "We gotta get to The King's Head." "Exactly." "What?" "(G RU NTS)" "We are not going to The King's Head." "We're done." "We're going to do what we should have done in the first place." "Get The Beast and get out of here." "We are fucking leaving and we are never coming back." "Now, you can either come with us willingly or I'm gonna knock you the fuck out and carry you there myself." "You choose." "All right." "All right." "Just think about what you're saying, you know, because you have been drinking." "You fuck." "STEVEN:" "Shit, it's those fucking kids." "Not them again." "What the hell is that?" "I don't know, but it's definitely not modern art." "Oh, shit, we're trapped." "Where's The Beast?" "Okay, all right." "We're here, so The Beast is in the next street." "How are we gonna get to it?" "We'll have to go through." "Through where?" "I don't fucking believe this." "Number 10." "Come on." "(GRUNTS)" "Let's go." "The back door, back door." "Let's go." "Here we go." "Okay, there it is." "Shit." "We wait for an opening, and then we leg it to The Beast." "We need the keys." "ANDY:" "Gary?" "Gary, what are you doing?" "Just a little toast." "Gary, put the pint down, yeah?" "To Oliver, Pete." "And to us." "You know, 'cause 10 pubs isn't bad." "It's not, but we're calling time." "Okay" "(SIGHS)" "So close." "Number 10." "Okay" "So close." "No,no,no,no, no." "Gary!" "Gary!" "Gary!" "Let him go." "He left you, man." "I can't." "Andy!" "Gary!" "Gary!" "Gary, come back!" "Come back, you stupid bastard!" "Gary!" "Gary!" "Gary!" "(GRUNTING)" "Andy, look out!" "(GRUNTING)" "Come on!" "What the..." "STEVEN:" "Get in." "Get in." "Gary, Andy, get the fuck in!" "You heard him, Andy." "Get the fuck in." "We haven't much time!" "Andy!" "Go, now!" "Steven!" "Go!" "(GRUNTS)" "And)'" "I want you inside me." "Okay" "Cheers." "(OPENS DOOR)" "(PANTING)" "Ah!" "You've had enough!" "This is The World's End, man!" "I know!" "Stop this!" "Leave me alone!" "What do you care anyway?" "Of course I fucking care." "There's a reason I'm angry at you!" "I know why you're angry at me, okay?" "But it's not my fault that you crashed that car." "That's not the point." "You let me down, man." "You were Gary King." "Gary fucking King." "I would have followed you to the end." "(CHUCKLES) I fucking have!" "Then stop following me!" "(GRUNTS)" "No!" "It's just one more." "Let me have this." "You've got everything you want." "What are you talking about?" "You've got your perfect job and your perfect house and your perfect wife." "You think it's so perfect?" "She left me, Gary." "She took the kids to her mum's three weeks ago." "Said I'm not present enough." "I'm trying to win her back." "And God knows I am losing." "But I will continue to fight, because that is how we survive." "For fuck's sake, Gary, I just punched my wedding ring out of a robot's tummy." "Exactly!" "You fight for what's important." "But what is so important about The Golden Mile?" "It's all I've got!" "Gar)'" "(BOTH GRUNTING)" "(SCREAMS)" "You need help, Gary." "I got help." "You know what help was?" "Help was a lot of people sitting in a circle talking about how fucking awful things had got." "That is not my idea of a good time." "And this is?" "They told me when to go to bed." "Me!" "Gary, mate, how can you tell when you're drunk if you're never sober?" "I don't wanna be sober." "It never got better than that night." "That was supposed to be the beginning of my life." "All that promise and fucking optimism." "That feeling like we could take on the whole universe." "It was a big lie." "Nothing happened." "You don't need to do this, Gary." "Yeah, I do." "AUTOMATED VOICE:" "Please, stand by." "Please, stand by." "Please, stand by." "Please, stand by." "Ah!" "What are you doing?" "No, don't go out there." "THE new:" "Gary King." "Yeah?" "Gary King of the humans." "Yeah." "What do you want?" "We are here to enable your full potential, as we have with countless worlds across the galaxy." "Oh, yeah?" "How'd you manage that, then?" "We appropriate a small percentage of the population at 2,000 or so penetration points across the planet." "This ensures maximum coverage." "From there, we create simulants to spread our ideologies through peaceful indoctrination." "Our objective is simple, to ready the population for participation in our galactic community." "This method requires a small sacrifice." "But the fewer replacements we make, the more successful we consider our operation." "Of course, we welcome those who volunteer themselves." "We can offer attractive incentives for those who willingly combine." "The chance to be young again and yet retain selected memories." "Isn't that something you'd like?" "Something you've always wanted?" "(GASPS)" "Oh, my God!" "I'm so cute!" "The beauty of our system is that we all win." "There are no losers." "Allow me to carry your legend forward." "Let the man you have become be the boy you were." "(CHUCKLES)" "Nah. (GRUNT S)" "There's only one Gary King." "Then you have made your choice, Gary King of the humans." "Yeah, I have." "Because frankly, who the fuck are you to come down here and tell us what to do?" "We are The Network and we are here for your betterment." "In the last 23 years, have you not marveled as information technology has surged forward?" "No." "Earth has grown smaller yet greater as connectivity has grown." "This is our doing and it is just the beginning." "Oh, fuck off, you big lamp." "You are children and you require guidance." "There is no room for imperfection." "Hey, Earth isn't perfect, all right?" "And humans aren't perfect." "And guess what?" "I ain't perfect." "And therein lies the necessity for this intervention." "Must the galaxy be subjected to an entire planet of people like you?" "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "Who put you in charge, huh?" "Who are you to criticize anyone?" "Now, you might think Gary's a bit of a cock, and he is a bit of a cock, but he's my cock." "Oh, thanks, man." "But he is a detriment to himself, just as Earth is a detriment to the galaxy." "What did you say?" "You act out the same cycles of self-destruction again and again." "At this point your planet is the least civilized in the entire galaxy." "What did he say?" "He's saying we're a bunch of fuck-ups." "Hey, it's our basic human right to be fuck-ups." "This civilization was founded on fuck-ups." "And you know what?" "That makes me proud." "And me!" "What is it they say?" ""To err is..."" ""To err is human."" ""To err is human," so, uh..." "We do not believe you speak for all humanity." "You are but two men." "Two drunk men." "STEVEN:" "Three drunk men!" "BOTH:" "Stevie-baby!" "(ALL LAUGHING)" "Enough!" "Enough, humans!" "Oh, you are in trouble now." "It's only the fucking Three Musketeers." "You are revolting against the wisdom of countless solar systems." "Yeah, we are revolting!" "You just said you're not here to conquer." "Can I just ask, how many people did you have to replace in Newton Haven?" "That is irrelevant." "ls it?" "Hands up." "Who here is human?" "I'm human." "One!" "And me." "That's two." "I am." "But don't know for how long." "ALL:" "Basil!" "Shh..." "So what's that?" "Three?" "You had to replace an entire town?" "Not the entire town." "Everybody apart from old Nutbowl and the Shifty twins." "That's a good name for a band, Gary." "You should write that down." "I will." "What about the ones you replaced, like Peter and Oliver?" "Yeah, what happened to the empties?" "BASIL:" "I told you not to ask that!" "Redundant vessels are recycled, mulched and converted into fertilizer, whereupon they are returned to the earth to promote verdancy and growth." "It is a highly efficient means of organic renewal." "Mulched?" "It is a relative few in light of our long-term plan." "You mean a few hundred thousand turned to fucking compost?" "What about the other places?" "The penetration points." "(WHISTLES) (BOTH GIGGLE)" "Are they as successful as Newton Haven?" "Because I'm guessing we're not the only glitch in your system." "It is true, The Network has been experiencing some difficulties." "I think you bit off more than you can chew with Earth, mate." "Yeah, 'cause we are more belligerent, more stubborn and more idiotic than you can possibly imagine, and I am not just talking about Gary." "Yeah, there's more than one Gary King." "But you said..." "I fucking know what I fucking said!" "Your reliance on profanity is a measure of your immaturity as a man and a species." "Why don't you just get in your rocket and fuck off back to Legoland, you cunts!" "Yeah!" "Stop fucking Starbucking us, man!" "Yeah!" "It is our duty to challenge you." "Just leave us to our own devices, you intergalactic arseholes." "You misunderstand." "Shut up!" "We are trying..." "Nobody's listening!" "If you'd only..." "Face it, we are the human race and we don't like being told what to do." "Just what is it that you want to do?" "We want to be free!" "Yeah." "We want to be free to do what we want to do!" "Yeah." "We want to get loaded." "Yeah." "And we want to have a good time." "And that's what we're going to do." "It is pointless arguing with you." "You will be left to your own devices." "Really?" "Yeah." "Fuck it." "They fucked off." "(ALL LAUGHING)" "Yeah, yeah, yeah!" "Up yours!" "Up yours!" "Up yours!" "Yeah, we did it!" "We won, we won!" "(LAUGHING)" "Gary, let's Boo-Boo." "Yeah, it's shit here, innit?" "Oi, up here!" "Go!" "Get up." "Come on!" "Well done." "Thanks a bunch." "Had to go and spoil it, didn't you?" "Yeah, happy now?" "Basil, what do we do now?" "Same as before." "Go!" "Where's The Beast?" "The Beast is dead, mate." "You know what..." "You know what's really annoying?" "What?" "I promised myself I wouldn't die in this town." "You're not gonna." "I think our luck just changed." "(HORN HONKING) Whoo-hoo!" "Oh!" "SAM:" "Sorry!" "Sam?" "Yes." "You came back for us!" "Yes, I did." "Well, I got lost on the ring road." "But, yes." "Hi, Sam, could you give us a lift to London, please?" "Did you find out what happened to my brother?" "We'll tell you on the way." "Sorry about the mess." "I've been meaning to clear that up." "We forgive you." "Let's go." "Which way?" "Backwards!" "Which way now?" "Go straight over!" "(ALL SCREAMING)" "We can make it." "We're gonna make it." "We made it!" "(ALL COUGHING)" "(GRUNTS)" "I'm sorry." "I know." "I know." "ANDY:" "Everyone remembers where they were when the lights went out on Planet Earth." "Me, Gary, Steven and Sam, we were standing right by the switch." "I guess it was a big night for everyone." "That morning gave a whole new meaning to the word "hangoveﬂi" "We decided to walk it off, all the way back to London, but the headache didn't end there." "Itjust went on and on." "Talk about the Big Smoke." "When The Network went down, it triggered some kind of pulse, wiped out all our technology" "and sent us here, back to the Dark Ages." "There were casualties, of course." "I knew a few of them." "Some guy from work, my cousin Paul, Gary's mum." "Nobody really knew how many we lost, because we never heard from the rest of the world again." "Everyone got cut off." "It isn't easy now, but it is simpler." "I'm back with the wife, which is something." "We decided our problems didn't seem as bad in the grand scheme of things." "We all had to go organic in a big way, but if I'm honest," "I'm hard pressed to recall any processed foods I actually miss." "As for the blanks, well, a funny thing happened there." "They woke up." "A week or so after The Network pulled out, they just sort of rebooted by themselves, tried to start afresh." "They seemed lost at first, children cut off from their parents, abandoned, forgotten, looking for guidance, for someone to show them the way." "I felt a bit sorry for them, to be honest." "The Network was right about one thing." "We can be a bit uncivilized." "Maybe we would've been a bad influence on the rest of the galaxy." "Oliver went back to being an estate agent." "People still need a roof over their heads, and the old Ollie always had a gift for the gab." "I guess the new one has, too." "(CHUCKLES)" "He's doing all right." "I hear that the Peter found his way home to Bishop's Gardens." "I suppose he picked up where the other one left off." "I'm not sure his wife noticed." "Maybe she chose not to." "He's a pretty good dad by all accounts." "Steven and Sam got together in the end." "Didn't see that coming." "They shacked up just outside London." "It's a pretty nice shack, too." "As for Gary?" "I don't know what happened to Gary." "We got separated and I never saw him again." "Some say he went back to Newton Haven." "I don't know why." "I think his business there was done." "It's funny, but I miss him." "I wonder if he misses me." "Misses the boys." "Wherever he is, I hope he's happy." "That's all he ever wanted, really." "To have a good time." "I just hope he found it beyond the bottom of a glass." "Because real happiness, real friends, those are things worth living for, worth fighting for." "Blank bastards." "Fucking robots." "Five waters, please." "You can have one." "But I ain't serving this scum." "Well, I'm afraid it's all for one and one for all." "You see, my young friends and I are on an adventure." "A quest, if you will." "And since we find ourselves in need of refreshment, you, sir, have the honor of drawing first blood." "So, I'll ask you again, for the last time," "five waters, please." "Who the hell do you think you are?" "Me?" "They call me The King." "(SCREAMS)" "(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)"