"♪ ♪" "So there it is, people." "Due to budget cutbacks, we will no longer be offering free squid guts in the kitchen." "(Sobbing)" "Oh, boo-hoo." "Everyone, look at my latest invention!" "Okay." "I like how it's not killing us so far." "It takes any object and makes two smaller copies." "Ooh!" "All right!" "Why?" "You see, as I age," "I've been shrinking and feeling colder." "So I now need twice as many sweaters, in a smaller size." "First I scan the old sweater." "Then we add some matter." "Any old useless matter will do." "(Buzzing)" "Now the matter prism reorganizes the raw material into two smaller copies." "(Bell dings)" "So that's where baby sweaters come from." "(Theme music plays on tv)" "Narrator:" "Enclosed as a pdf attachment:" "A picture of yourself, in a boat, on a river." "It's a river that flows in two directions." "Make that three." "It's a magic river, that's how." "And it's flowing down the eerie canal to..." "The scary door." "That's "eerie" with two e's." "Consider, if you have the energy," "Dr. Daniel zenus, an inventor with a terminal case of "the lazies."" "This robot will do everything for me." "Robot, activate yourself and do my research." "(Whirring, footfalls crashing)" "Ah..." "Next, assume my social obligations." "(Footfalls crashing)" "(Ticking)" "Dr. zenus, for a lifetime of scientific achievement, we present this award to..." "Your robot." "Daddy, I love you." "(Sobbing)" "If only I'd programmed the robot to be more careful what I wished for." "Robot, experience this tragic irony for me." "No!" "Ah..." "Ah..." "Man, I wish we had a robot to do stuff." "I know, right?" "(Door opens)" "Bender, thank God I found you in time." "I need someone in the lab immediately, to fold my new sweaters." "I'm sorry, do you see a robot in this room named "folder"?" "(Laughing)" "Oh, fortunately, I came prepared with a back-up phrasing." "Bender, would you mind "bending" my new sweaters?" "There's only two of them." "Wait." "Oh." "You want me to do two things?" "Man, I'd call my lawyer if dialing a phone wasn't such a hassle." "Razza frazza two things." "Ooh." "Razza frazza duplicator." "(Beeps)" "(Chuckles) Now for some tasty matter." "(Chomping)" "(Crashing)" "(Chomping)" "(Buzzing, bell dings)" "Howdy, fellas." "I'm Bender." "Go to hell, old man!" "I like your attitude." "Let's party." "But first, fold these two sweaters." "Both:" "I'm sorry, do you see a robot in this room named "folder"?" "(Both laughing)" "Damn, you're cute." "♪ ♪" "(Clattering)" "Hi." "I'm Bender." "This is my robot Bender, and this is my other robot Bender." "Oh, lord." "They're 60% scale replicas of me, Bender." "Does that mean they only do 60% of the work you do, or that they actually do more work because they're only 60% as lazy?" "(Muttering indistinctly)" "Shut up." "(Benders laughing)" "That's a good one." "Enough good ones, everyone." "We have a delivery to an alien space giant." "You'll have to be respectful." "This customer is 50 feet tall and sensitive about his appearance." "Colossal tooth whitener, mega deodorant, humungous acne cream..." "Aw, and one regular-sized condom." "All that and a small wiener?" "This guy's got it goin' on!" "(Benders laughing)" "Remember, don't show any reaction to his appearance." "(Leela screams)" "I hope that's vanishing cream, 'cause that needs to go away." "(Laughing)" "Oh, that's cold-blooded!" "Shh." "It's okay." "I understand." "My unusual appearance makes people nervous." "You used humor to defuse the tension." "Yep, and there's still a little more tension." "So look out!" "(Bender clears throat)" "You so ugly, when trick-or-treaters come to your house, they give you candy." "You so ugly, when you go to the bank, they ask you to put on a ski mask!" "You so ugly, you cracked the daily mirror." "It's a newspaper!" "(Benders laughing)" "I wish it weren't so, but many of these things are true." "Anyhow, you've lowered my self-esteem a bit more, but I'm sincerely grateful you came all this way to deliver my fungus chisel." "Don't feel bad, sir." "It's not your fault." "You probably just inherited your appearance from your mother." "What?" "!" "No one insults my mama!" "(Shouts)" "(Screaming)" "(Glass shattering)" "(Grunting)" "(All screaming)" "Oh, God, shield your eyes!" "It's like Edward James olmos on imax!" "(Grunts)" "(Laughing)" "Did you see his face when I said he so ugly?" "No, I blacked out, 'cause he so ugly!" "(All laughing)" "Hey guys, quit reminiscing and grab me two cigars." "One thing each?" "Sounds fair." "Wait, make that four cigars." "Both:" "You want us to do four things?" "(Beeping)" "(Chomping)" "(Glass shattering)" "My manwich!" "(Beeping)" "(All talking indistinctly)" "What's up, shorty?" "And that's the story of how one of me became two, and two became four, making seven total." "The end." "I just like having the end locker." "It's not like Amy cares about it at all." "But no, she won't trade with me." "A rat!" "Yes, she is a rat." "No, look!" "Which way to the tiny hookers?" "(Screams)" "A big, fat roach!" "What?" "I thought I put that away." "No, there!" "Who are you?" "Bender sent me." "♪ ♪" "(All talking indistinctly)" "Hey, I know that guy." "Scruffy, what is that tiny Bender doing in my soup?" "It appears to be giving you the finger, sir." "Enjoy." "Help me, help me!" "I'm too lazy to escape!" "(Bender belches, laughs)" "(Bender screams)" "(Pings softly)" "(Chomping)" "(Beeping, bell dings)" "What?" "This place is crawling with you's!" "So there's more Benders around." "As far as I'm concerned, that's good news." "Professor:" "Bad news, everyone." "Look at this infinite series representing the mass of successive generations of Benders." "(Beeps)" "(Amy and hermes gasping)" "Don't wait for me." "It's non-convergent!" "Oh, dip!" "Unless we quickly exterminate them, they'll replicate ad infinitum and consume all the matter on earth." "(All gasp)" "According to my calculations, there are 11 generations at the moment." "That's 2,046 total Benders we need to destroy." "Wait, does that include me?" "(Shot fires, Bender groans)" "(Groans)" "Too bad he didn't have his own Bible." "Just 2,045 more to go." "(Blowing raspberry)" "♪ ♪" "(Sizzling)" "(Beeps)" "(Crunching)" "2,045. 2,046!" "That's it." "We got 'em all, except for the big one." "Wait, this isn't a real Bender." "It's a talking doll from when Bender had that sitcom about the city robot who moves back to the farm." "Doll:" "Shut your pumpkin, bumpkin." "(Doll plays canned laughter)" "All right, so I let one measly Bender get away." "How much harm can one infinitely self-reproducing robot do?" "Bender!" "How could you be so lazy and irresponsible?" "(Snoring) Hey." "What?" "Did someone say I'm great?" "(Groans)" "(All muttering with surprise)" "What's with the grey goo?" "Bite my tiny metal ass!" "Hey, those jerklings ate my couch." "Oh, God!" "We've opened pandora's fly." "They'll reproduce without limit, consuming all the matter in the world!" "Like the kardashians." "(Slurping)" "Now they drank my booze?" "!" "They've gone too far!" "Wait a second." "All Benders are powered by alcohol!" "Of course." "Long before the Benders devour the earth, they'll deplete the planet's booze and die off." "This is a problem that will solve itself." "A problem that solves itself?" "That sounds like a job for me, Bender." "(Snoring)" "Our top story." "All alcohol on earth has mysteriously disappeared." "Consequences are minimal, except among the most hardened alcoholics." "Linda?" "I can no longer face my children!" "Crisis averted." "Without alcohol, the Benders are dying off." "(Coughing and gasping)" "A greater tragedy my eyes have never beheld." "Well, into the toilet." "(Coughing)" "So sober, so weak." "Things really worked out nicely this time." "(Snoring)" "(Snorts and coughs)" "This doesn't taste like old-man water." "Professor:" "Everyone to the situation room!" "I was lying here snoozing, dreaming, oddly enough, about bathing in champagne with six of the world's most distinguished scientists, when suddenly, I realized my bathwater had been transformed into alcohol." "Alcohol?" "Hoo-wee!" "Chug, chug, chug, chug!" "Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug!" "Mmm." "It's like fine cognac with a hint of aged scrotum." "How can this be?" "I thought the Benders drank all the alcohol in the world." "They did, but then they made more!" "You see, once the Benders reached atomic scale, they began directly manipulating water and co2 molecules to make alcohol." "(Belching)" "(Shrieks)" "In a matter of hours, there will be no more fresh water on earth." "Oh, no!" "What will I mix with my scotch?" "Hey, you!" "(Laughs)" "Good evening." "Who are you calling drunk?" "You're not drunk." "I'm drunk." "That's right, Linda." "Water is now.... now booze, and everyone's tiddy much protally fit-shaced." "(Hiccups)" "Turning to sports, the indy 500 was today." "There were no survivors." "This chair is so comfortable." "(Retching)" "(Laughs) Classic Amy." "You want to see a picture of my boy?" "Sure." "That's your penis." "That's my boy." "I guess this isn't... n-not so bad." "As long as we don't need to use our mental..." "Mental..." "Minds?" "What?" "(Yelling and clamoring)" "No, listen." "I... freaking love you." "And I don't throw that word around." "I know you don't." "That's why I love you." "Are the pizza muffins ready?" "(Tapping glass)" "(Screaming)" "He's here for revenging, that's why!" "No!" "Wait!" "I'm here to apologize." "For your looks?" "(Laughs) Nice one." "Well, yes, actually, it is sort of related to that." "Can we talk?" "Grabbing your spaceship was not okay." "I-I lost my cool, and I'm sorry." "In group, I learned that I tend to be a bit..." "Repulsive?" "(Laughs)" "Sensitive." "So now I'm, like, trying to work on my attitude, and project an air of positivity." "You're projecting an air of something." "Phew!" "You're so stinky, you need right guard and left guard. (Laughs)" "I'll take your hygiene advice to heart." "You're ugly!" "(Cackling)" "(Weapons firing)" "Hey!" "Ow!" "Yo, freak show!" "Your face has been declared a weapon of mass disgusting." "(Laughs)" "Timeless." "Okay, deep breath, deep breath." "(Inhales and exhales deeply)" "(Weapons firing)" "(Touch tones sounding)" "Dr. lesterman?" "(Clears throat)" "I'm sorry to bother you, but I think I'm close to a temper-control incident." "Woman (Recorded):" "You have reached the office of Dr. Judy lesterman and Dr. ira rothkiss." "The office is now closed." "If this is a pharmacy calling... (Yelling)" "That's it!" "I promised myself I wouldn't do this, but I... (Grunting)" "I will destroy you all!" "I won't stop until your whole planet is as ugly as you perceive me to be!" "That will take a very long time." "(Laughing)" "Okay." "Stop!" "Stop!" "(Grunting, people yelling)" "(Crying)" "Stupid... (Muttering)" "Ah." "Blender, you're the only one who's sober." "(Burps) You got to do something!" "Haven't I done enough already?" "Please, stop the monster." "Just do that one thing!" "Make it zero, and you got a deal." "(Grunts)" "What if I foldeded the Professor's sweaters for you?" "Both of them?" "You mean you'll do two things, and I only have to do one thing?" "Yeah." "Just save the world." "(Laughs) Sucker." "(Glass breaking, people screaming)" "Legion of Benders, come unto me!" "We have one thing to do." "Micro Benders:" "Screw that!" "Ah, come on, you lazy jerks!" "If we all pitch in, we each only have to do one quintillionth of a thing." "Micro Benders (Sigh):" "All right." "Big Bender starts right now." "Get a shave, ugly!" "Oh." "How about some aftershave, dumpy?" "(Grunts) You big bully!" "You ugly nerd, enjoy a nice guggenheim swirly!" "(Spluttering)" "(Gasps)" "(Groaning)" "Let this beating be a lesson about never attacking those more handsome than oneself." "All I wanted was to apologize to you people." "But now I have to kill you." "How, by making me look at you?" "(Laughs)" "No." "By making you look at... my mama!" "(Yells)" "Your mama's so ugly!" "I told you not to talk about my mama!" "(Groans)" "(Grunting)" "(Groaning)" "(Whirring)" "Robot God:" "Walk toward the light, Bender." "Bender:" "Aw, man, do I have to walk?" "No!" "(Cackling)" "Huh?" "Huh?" "No!" "At last..." "I'm beautiful!" "Bender:" "Yeah, if you're into gray dust." "(Cheering shouts)" "(Slurred):" "Bender, you di' it!" "No, we di' it." "Ladies and gentlemen, if together we were able to defeat this giant space monster, think how also we might defeat the monsters of poverty and disease and unliteracy." "In this spirit, I ask my fellow Benders to join me in working diligently to..." "Boo!" "(Grumbling)" "Go to hell!" "Come on, let's go someplace where we don't have to do one quintillionth of a thing all the time." "Well, that was dumb." "(All groaning)" "Man, were we drunk." "What happened, Professor?" "Something absolutely incredible!" "The sweaters got folded!" "(All gasping) But how?" "I didn't do it." "Bender, did you learn a lesson about not being lazy while the rest of us were bombed out of our gourds?" "Maybe I did, Fry." "Maybe I did." "Or maybe I rescued one last mini-Bender to fold stupid, ugly sweaters while I laughed at him." "(Laughing)" "I guess we'll never know." "(Inhales and exhales)"