"# [ Pop ]" "[ Children Chattering, Laughing ]" "[ Woman ] # It doesn't matter who you are #" "# I wish upon a shooting star #" "# That you will be the one #" "# Who comes to rescue me #" "[ Woman Narrating ] "I love you"-- the most powerful phrase we utter as humans." "We hear it at every stage of life, and it always turns us into kids again-- wild, playful and with limited control of our bodily functions." "Love is a many splendored thing." "Love conquers all." "Love is eternal until it ends." " He'll love it." "And that is where I come in." "Being in love is the bestest, even better than recess." "I love love." "My parents said they found love in the back of a car and it helped create me." "Hi, Tyler." "You look, like, hotter than Zach Morris today." "I made you this." "Wow, Britney." "Thanks." "I'm dumping you." "Heard you got cooties." "[ Chanting ] Britney has cooties!" "Britney has cooties!" "Britney has cooties!" "Nuh-uh." "I was gonna dump him anyways." "Britney has cooties!" "Britney has cooties!" "Britney has cooties!" "Britney has cooties!" "Um, sorry." "It's really catchy." "Love blows!" "Love... blows." "You're a great person, but this relationship just isn't working out." "It's time to move on..." "for you, for me, for us." "[ Sobs ] Sweetie, don't cry." "This isn't good-bye." "Okay?" "It's hello-- hello to a new friendship." "Wait." "Who are you again?" "I'm Britney." "Your ex-boyfriend, Sean, hired me to dump you." "[ Sobs ] Oh, no." "It's nothing personal." "It's" " It's what I do." "I'm Britney Brooks, the break-up artist." "But seriously, I mean, you met him on a reality TV show." "You were doomed from day one." "[ Crying ]" "[ Woman ] So how'd it go?" "She was a stage-three crier, Robyn." "I think I got tear stains on my Manolos." "Ohh." "Okay, your next client's name is Linda." "She needs to break up with her boyfriend." "She can't stand being in the same room with him." "Gary's just-- He's full of hot air." "He's a liar, huh?" "No, no." "He farts a lot, and it's nasty." "Oh." "Wow." "I mean, that was just so clear and concise." "Even I want to break up with me now." "Here." "Um" "On the back is Dr. Stein's number." "[ Whispering ] He's a gastroenterologist." "Why would I need a stomach doctor?" "[ Farts ]" "[ Woman Sobbing ]" "With your mother?" "We're gonna need something with sprinkles, stat." "Okay." "Look, Marissa, I know that it hurts, but that's what I'm here for, okay?" "Men think all their past discrepancies will be forgiven... with fresh roses or chocolate nougats." "I like nougat." " No!" "That's your emotion talking." "All right." " Here's what you need to do." "First, you need to get through the five emotional stages of post breakup-dom." "Stage one is denial." "He can't break up with me because I rock." "Then anger." "That fool, how dare he deny my rockiness." "Next is bargaining." "Well, you know, maybe if I did more when we have sex, he'd realize I rock." "Then depression." "[ Sniffles ] Maybe I don't rock." "And finally, acceptance." "Screw him." "I do rock." "Wow." "I've never seen someone go through all the five stages so quickly." "Honey, you're gonna be fine." "With my mother!" "[ Sobbing ]" "[ Phone Rings ]" "[ Woman ] Splitzville, Incorporated." "When you're done kissing him, we'll start dissing him." "This is Tiffany." "How can I help?" "Yes." "And we're also running a weekly special on our "It's not you, it's me" break-up motif." "Never ever wear silk to a break-up meeting, especially when frosting is involved." "Clients looking to end it all are unpredictable." "I mean, they're actually thinking with their heart." "What's wrong with that?" "The heart is a "special ed" organ." "It's not supposed to think." "And when you use something for the wrong purpose, it usually breaks." "Ooh!" "Air kisses." " Ashes." "Come on, Brit." "Ashley is your sister." "By blood only." "She's a spoiled, shallow brat... with the metabolism of a frickin' Russian gymnast." "I mean, her MySpace occupation is "professional hottie."" "[ Gasps ]" "Oh." "[ Giggles ]" "Oh, hey, Brit." "We're going clubbing tonight." "If you stop giving off that Ellen vibe, you can come." "Why bother?" "Ninety-nine percent of all relationships end with someone being dumped." "And of the one percent who actually get married, 50% end up divorced." "You have a half a hundredth percent chance of being in a loving relationship." "[ Laughs ]" "Oh." "Forgot." "This is my boyfriend, Mike." " Hi." "Ash's new B.F., huh?" "Let me guess-- a plastic surgeon, lawyer, movie producer?" "No, I teach art to disadvantaged kids at the Y.M.C.A." "Actually, you know what?" "I just entered my kids in a mural contest." "The winner gets 250 grand, which would fund us for a year." "So, if you guys ever have any interest in coming to help us paint" "Mm-mmm." " She's so cute, isn't she?" "Are you gonna come club with us, Mike?" "No, I'm just here to drop Ashley off." "I'm not actually allowed to dance... because of a medical condition known as being Caucasian." "I've gotta go, sweetheart." "I miss you already." "Um, bye." "Really nice to meet you guys." "See ya." "Wow, Ash, not bad." "This one actually casts a shadow." "You'll be sick of him by Friday." "You're just jealous 'cause a man in my life doesn't require batteries." "Just once." "Come out with us." " I ended a lot of relationships today." " [ Imitating Puppy Whimpering ]" "Fine." "# [ Hip-hop ]" "[ People Chattering ]" "Uh, you're giving off the "I'm not into dudes" vibe again, honey." "No, it's the "I just paid 11 bucks for a vodka cranberry" vibe." "Brit, these guys are from that new MTV show I was telling you about." "They're rich and available." "[ Laughs ]" "Before you begin, you should know that I don't find either of you the least bit attractive." "Oh." "Okay, that was rude." "No, that was honest." "Rude is trying to set someone up who doesn't want to be set up." "Come on." "Come, come." "# [ Hip-hop Continues ]" "Um, these guys aren't drunk enough to hit on Brit." "Let's scare her up a man." "Chick dancing, guys?" "No." "I'm not" "Hey, you're hot." "Have I seen you someplace before?" "Yeah." "Yeah, you have." " That's why I don't go there anymore." " Yeah, totally!" "Yeah." "Hey, where are you going?" "Don't be so picky." "Stupid guys." "Stupid $11 drinks." "Hi." "I'm looking for Britney Brooks." "Look, the rumors are false." "I'm not looking for The L Word type action." "I'm so sorry it's late." "It's just" " It's my boyfriend." "I" "It's okay." "Come on in." "I'm a convenience store-- always open." "Rick is just the most amazing guy." "I mean, he's so kind and caring and sensitive." "And his body, it's just sick!" "I mean, he does yoga." "His Downward Dog, it's just-- it's just legendary." "I mean, I'm treating him like dirt right now, like icky dirt, not like that fancy, nutrient-rich dirt that they sell at Home Depot." "[ Stammering, Crying ]" "Can't I just break up with him in person?" "It's a bad idea." "Look, men are genetically programmed... with an ability to convince us that they can change when we're just about to dump them, that the second chance will be different than the 12 others we've given them." "Listen." "As an independent third party," "I will be completely immune to all his charms, pleas and pathetic cries." "I'm the break-up artist." "It's what I do." "Thank you." "[ Sighs ] How do you handle this business?" "I mean, it's gotta be so depressing dealing with everyone else's misery all day." "Strong humans like me have a duty to help people who actually believe in love, the ones who make tissue and Prozac a necessity." "Plus, I never take my work home with me." "[ Pulls Switch ]" "[ TV Turns On ]" "You couldn't be anything else?" " Oh, you'll see." "I'll be back before you know it." " I hope so." "Oh, my love, I shall miss you every moment when you're gone." "I love you, sweetheart." "[ Man ] Hey, come on." "All aboard if you wanna get there." "[ Gasps ] Thank God you're here." "We thought you left with one of those creepy club guys." "I even watched the news this morning to see if they found your dead body." "Your 1:00 just canceled." "They said they found another break-up service." "Probably another freelance dumper." "They never last." "You don't mess with the best, and that's Britney Brooks." "She always talks about herself in the third person." "Tiffany hates that." "Uh, excuse me." "I'm waiting for someone." "Rick, right?" "Britney." "Look, uh, Sally, she thinks you're a great guy and she loves you, but, well, she's just not in love with you." "So, that's why she's breaking up with you." "Uh" " It's not you." "It's her." "No, it's-- it's me." "I should have treated her better." "The truth is, I never really felt that spark with her, you know." "I guess that's why I've been spending so much time focusing on work recently." "I run this dating Web site called E-Mate." "E-Mate." "Yeah, I know you guys." "You keep me in business." "[ Chuckles ] Sally really is amazing." "It's probably why I couldn't let her go... even though I knew she wasn't the one for me." "She's the first girl who ever really made me believe in love." "Yeah, well, we all believe in stupid things every now and then." "Santa Claus, wrinkle cream, zero-calorie Coke." "[ Chuckles ]" "Look, you're gonna be fine, okay?" "Pain is temporary." "People get dumped every day." "By the way, um" "Love your outfit." "Chartreuse is the perfect color for your skin complexion." "Thank you." "Um, look, here's, uh-- here's my card." "And, uh, it was really nice to meet you." "Stage-four crier?" "No, not at all." "I" "I've seen all sorts of reactions from dumpees-- fear, confusion, throwing things, begging-- but never anything like this." "He actually said it was his fault." "[ Laughs ]" "But he's a guy." "Men never admit to their own mistakes." "I know." "I mean, okay, let's say hypothetically love does exist." "Why kind of a girl would take a guy like Rick for granted?" "Ugly nose." "Fake boobs." "Eating disorder." "He needs to get an eating disorder." "Hey, Brit-Brit." "Can you call before you come?" "I don't have room on my speed dial." "[ Scoffs ]" "So, I forgot to tell Allan I'm leaving him for Mike." "You need to dump him for me." "I'm supposed to meet him at Aura in 20 minutes." "Better hurry." "Laters." "[ Whistles ] Brit, we had two more cancellations today." "They both say this other new break-up service was cheaper." "Should we be worried?" "Also found this message on your desk, Brit." "TiVo His Girl Friday with Cary Grant" "Uh-uh-uh." "[ Laughs ]" "[ Clears Throat ]" "Um, you two go take care of Ashley's latest man-tard now." "Go." "Go, go, go, go!" "I, uh, just wanted to thank you." "Oh." " I really appreciate what you do." "If Sally and I had broken up face-to-face, there would have been crying and screaming... and curling up in the fetal position, and nobody needs to see that." "It's no worries." "I'm a people person, so" "Listen, I know this is gonna sound forward, but, uh, I'm not a guy who sits and mopes after a break-up." "Would you join me for dinner tonight?" "Uh" "Oh, uh, company policy outlaws dating dumpees." "Wow." "That so did not go like I planned." "[ Chuckles ] Uh, I'm sorry." "It's just, uh, you know, when I saw you" "Obviously, you're beautiful." "And I guess I'm just old school." "When I see someone I like, I just charge full-speed ahead." "It always seemed to work for my hero, Cary Grant, and that's why I'm here." "You okay?" "[ Panting ]" "[ Sighs ]" " [ Body Thuds ]" " Uh" "Damn, Gary." "Rough times." "But Lindsay really enjoyed her time with you." "And, you know, it's not you." "No, actually, it is you." "[ Farts ]" "[ Farts ]" "When Britney said you were so ugly even Bill Clinton... wouldn't sleep with you, she was just breaking the ice." "She said, "Save your breath because you'll need it to blow up your next girlfriend"?" "No." "No, no, I am not laughing, sir." "It's just" "Come on." "It is funny." "Hello?" "Hello, sir?" "What the hell, Brit?" "You're supposed to be a quick and merciless ninja love assassin." "Instead, you're Dr. Phil-ing everyone's relationships." "Relax." "I'm on top of it." "This other break-up service is stealing our clients and, well, business is slower than Tiffany taking the S.A.T.'s." "Hey." "Sometimes things can be true and false." " Plus, these bills are just starting to" " Hold that thought, okay?" "What?" "No, I'm sorry." "I'll be there in five." "I'll see you guys tomorrow." "I asked if I could use the bathroom an hour ago." "I'm still holding that thought." "Go pee, sweetie." "We even owe the Arrowhead water guy." "Ohh." "Hi!" "Are you stuck in a bad relationship that you want to get out of?" "Yes." "For 27 years." "But that's not why I'm here. [ Clears Throat ]" "I'm Bob Green." "I'm Britney's account manager at Second Pacific Bank." "I'm here regarding her last few mortgage payments." "What about them?" "She hasn't made any." "Rick?" "Hello?" "I never believed in love at first sight... until I saw you." "You deserve that storybook movie romance that you've always wanted, and I want to be your leading man." "I know I came on too strong, but I can't help it." "There's just something about you, Britney Brooks." "I wish I could quit you." "No, don't quit me." "[ Seagulls Squawking ] [ Water Lapping ]" "# [ Piano:" "Romantic ]" "[ Bird Screeching ] [ Needles Scratches Record ]" "[ Gags ]" "Let's make our own romantic movie." "[ Clears Throat ]" "Wait." "I think I have onion breath." "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn." "[ Children Laughing ]" " Britney?" "Britney Brooks?" " Hmm?" "Sorry." "Chuck Charleston." "I work with Rick." "Oh." " He has pictures of you everywhere... and I just totally recognized you." "No way." "I'm actually meeting him here." "Sit." " Oh, thank you." " [ Laughs ]" "Oh, Rick raves about you, about how close you've become in such a short time." "Yeah." "And it scares him." "That's why he feels it's best to just nip it in the bud now." "What?" "Uh" " I'm sorry." " Yeah." "Why, uh" " Why would he tell you and not" "Yeah." "Yeah." "Are you breaking up with me?" "Well, it's nothing personal." "It's what I do." "Chuck Charleston, break-up specialist." "No?" "Okay." "You used the "nip it in the bud" speech?" "That's mine." "I invented it." "It is copy" "You are in a lot of trouble, mister." "Wait." "Look, it's not him." "It's" "No, wait." "It's not him-- [ Yelps ]" "Careful!" "That's pumpernickel!" "[ Gasps ]" "All right." "Beat it, chuckles." "Evidence." "Evidence." "Sorry about that, Brit." "Chuck's just a trainee in our business." "Our business?" "Yeah." "You're the other break-up service?" "You pretended to like me?" "Whoa, whoa." "I was just doing market research, all right, checking out my competition." "I couldn't know that you'd fall for me." "Besides, I was told you were this emotionally tough businesswoman and, well, possibly not even into dudes." "Anyway, Brooksy, here's the deal." "Love is the one thing in this world that people will always need." "E-Mate brings 'em together, and E-Dump pulls them apart." "I control both ends of love's production." "It's capitalism at its finest." "You're Microsoft-ing break-ups?" "Britney, I'm sorry." "It's just business." "I never meant to hurt you." "That's my line too, you hack!" "[ Clears Throat ] Hmph." "It's okay." "You've been in this situation before, just on the other side." "Compose yourself and leave with dignity." "Hmm." "Hmm." "Loser." "You know, for years I told my dumpees... that life goes on and it'll all be okay, but now I realize there aren't plenty of other fish in the sea." "Nope." "All the good fish have been caught." "The ones left swimming have been tossed back in by someone else." "Come on." "[ Groans ]" "# [ Soft Rock ]" "Oh, I love this song." "Turn it off!" " Oh." "# [ Stops ] God, I am so done with Rick." "He's a lying, immature, scummy, two-faced" "Do you think, if I lost 10 pounds, he'd take me back?" "[ Groans ]" "Oh." "We need to tell her about the mortgage." "Not while she's in a serial stage." "It'll kill her." "Air kisses all." "You need to dump Mike for me." "Turns out he's not rich." "He's got all these expensive-looking paintings in his place, but he, like, drew them himself." "Ah, the nerve!" "Britney needs a break right now, Ash." "She's taking things one day at a time." "No, no." "If one more person tells me to take things one day at a time, I'm" "I'm gonna start taking things two days at a time." "Yeah." "I'm gonna jump from Monday to Thursday." "If Rick wants a break-up battle, he's gonna get one." "You do not mess with the master." "[ Clears Throat ]" "Mmm." "Britney, hey." "It's really great to see you." "What are you doing here?" "Mike, Ashley is" "Amazing." "I know, I know." "She's like my own personal angel." "[ Scoffs ] Ashley, an angel?" "She may be the Antichrist." "I have priests looking into it." "You have really incredible eyes." "You and Ashley, you both have these just amazing, piercing eyes." "Every time she looks at me, it's like, she's just-- you know, peeling back the layers of my soul." "Ashley's breaking up with you." "What?" "Yeah, it's, uh-- it's what she does." "I'm sorry, but it's over." "Wait a minute." "Wait a" "But I totally recommend the lobster ravioli here." "Get it with the Alfredo." "[ Table Banging ]" "I should've been nicer to her." "I should've treated her better." "Been there-- [ Sobs ]" "Do you think, if I gained 10 pounds, she'd take me back?" "Oh, no!" "Ashley!" "Steven, you're past due for a dumping." "They did?" "Half the price?" "Okay." "Bye." "Rick's stupid company is stealing... all our immature 20-something, commitment-phobic males." "I mean, they're our meal ticket." "Come on." " Oh, Tiff." "Come on." " What are we gonna do?" "It's okay." " We have to figure something out." "We will." "[ Crying ]" "He was in no condition to drive." "Wait a second." "You're Ashley's sister." "You know what kind of man she wants, right?" "Listen, I will" "I will pay you anything you want to help me win her back." "Okay?" "Anything." "I've got maybe 10 grand in my savings." "We'll take it!" " We'll take it!" "What?" " Yes." "No, no." "I don't get people together, okay?" "I pull them apart." "That'd be like Al Gore selling S.U.V.s." "Britney, but you don't understand." "Just help me, anything." "Just tell me what she's looking for." "Money." "Do you make a lot?" "I'm a Y.M.C.A. art teacher." "Mm-hmm." "Strike one." "Do you enjoy fine dining?" "I'm a vegan." "Strike two." "Ashley only enjoys eating things that once had a soul." "Do you like to travel?" "[ Snaps Fingers ] I've been to Bakersfield once." "[ Imitates Buzzer Sounding ] Strike three." "Sorry, can't help you." "Please." "You don't understand." "Listen, Mike, you seem like a decent guy, and you're oddly attractive in a "George from Grey's Anatomy" kind of way, but you have the one thing that Ashley is just not interested in: heart." "So" "[ Sighs ]" "The Arrowhead guy too?" "Yeah." "Your last few mortgage payments bounced." "We're gonna have to pay them back fast, or" "Or I lose everything." "This is why love blows." "Why didn't you girls stop me?" "We'll fix it, Brit." "I'll work overtime." "And I'll give back the stapler I took from the supply room." "Sorry, girls, but you've been downsized." "That's good." "That's nice." "[ Sighs ]" "Okay, guys, that's it." "See you Thursday." "Good work." "I knew it." "I knew the power of love would bring you back." "Yeah, love." "Still 10 grand, right?" "Uh, yeah, sure." "I mean, I'd pay anything to get Ashley back." "She was my muse." "[ Laughs ]" "I'm sorry." "Really." "I painted this when I was with Ashley." "I couldn't stop painting." "I had this artistic explosion in my soul the entire week we were together." "You got whipped in a week?" " And you know what?" "I even sold two of my pieces." "I never sold any of my art before I met Ashley." "And now" "[ Exhales ] all I can paint is this." "Yeah." "I need Ashley back, Britney." "I need my muse back." "These kids are expecting me to lead them in this mural contest." "How am I supposed to lead them when all I can paint is this?" "That's why I'm here." "So" "What?" "You're gonna help" " Yes." "Oh!" "Yes!" " No." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Okay." "Rule number one." " Yes?" "Do not ever hug me again." "Oh." " Rule number two." "Yeah?" " What I say goes." "No questions." "Really?" "Even if I have a-- Sorry." "Rule number three:" "no refunds." "Within this building lies the hottest collection of women... west of an MTV Real World casting call." "Hold your own in here and there's hope for us yet." "I'm allergic to dogs, but I have a cat." " Great." "See, women like that are similar to Ashley in hotness and lack of humanity." "So, consider this practice-- a flirting spring training." "Britney, I don't want her." "I want Ashley." "Yeah, and Ashley loves confident men-- men with the balls to hit on anyone anywhere." "God, how'd you meet my sister in the first place?" "Oh, she, uh-- She sent me a text, said that I was hot, to come over." "Adorable." "Well, if you can't handle hitting on a girl you don't even care about, how do you expect to handle being comfortable around a girl who you love, a girl who's your muse?" "[ No Audible Dialogue ]" "Very nice." "Maybe there is hope for us yet." "Well, that girl's married, but I think she wants me to cat-sit." "So, good?" "[ Exhales ]" "Huh?" "Ashley doesn't want a guy who menstruates more than she does." "Get back out there and prove to me that you actually have a "Y" chromosome." "Oh, uh, here." "Let me get that." "Yeah?" "Yes." "Thank you so much." " You're welcome." "Say thank you, Leah." "Uh, I'm Mike." " Melanie." "Nice to meet you." " And you already met Leah." "Give him a kiss." "It's okay." "It's okay." "[ Sneezes ]" "[ Groans ] [ Leah Barks ]" "I'm so sorry." "I'll get him." "Get back here." "Leah!" "Come back!" "[ Sneezes ] [ Leah Growling ]" "Leah!" "If people find out where we're going" "No, we're jobless, Tiff." "We need to save cash." "[ Grunts ] This is a necessary evil." "But" " But an outlet store?" "I'd be buying retail-- outdated retail." "I wasn't looking at her chest." "I was trying to read her T-shirt." "[ Scoffs ] Something written on her ass too!" "Excuse me, ma'am, but your boyfriend is" "A big, fat jerk!" "Agreed." "We can make that significant other a lot less significant." "Hi, Sarah." "I'm Rick Barnes, president of E-Dump." "I represent Pat, and while he apologizes for today's unfortunate incident, he feels that you've got real trust issues." "That's why he thinks it's best for you two to go your separate ways." " Are you breaking up with me?" " Yeah." " Yeah." " [ Crying ]" "[ Both Sigh ]" "Dude, check out my other site" " E-Mate." "A lot of potential rebound chicks." "Ladies." "Mm-mmm." "[ Car Door Closes ]" "Time to get our game faces on." "[ Engine Starts ]" "Oh, sorry." "Wrong game." "[ Growling ]" "He'll dump you as soon as the credits roll!" "[ Knocking ]" "Oh, if it isn't the Matisse of mucus." " Sorry, okay?" "I just didn't know you were gonna so quickly throw me to the wolves" " Pomeranians." "You and Ashley go together about as well as socks and sandals." "Okay?" "Let it go." "Are you kidding me?" "No." "I need Ashley." "I love her." "Okay?" "Love is an illusion created by the founders of Valentine's Day... to peddle chocolates and those candy hearts with the lame sayings on them." "Love and 6.50 gets you a latte." " What does that even mean?" " Look." "Ashley doesn't want a romantic." "Okay?" "She must have been in an appletini-induced haze to hit on you in the first place." "Okay, well, you know what then?" "Help me become the man she wants." "All right?" "Mold me." "Sculpt me." "I will be your blank canvas so you can create your masterpiece." "Okay, you took that metaphor a little too far." "Well?" "[ Exhales ] Fine." "Come on." " [ TV Playing ]" " Cary Grant." "Gregory Peck." "Those were real men-- men who don't exist today." "[ Movie Playing, Indistinct ]" "I mean, you see the way they act around girls?" "Every movement is confident and calculated, like a figure skater, except they actually like girls." "[ Birds Chirping ]" "[ Grunts ] I didn't say you could spend the night!" "[ Groans ]" "I didn't." "I just-- I must have fallen asleep." "Get out!" "Go!" "Okay." "Okay." "I thought you were gonna mold me." "All right, that 10 grand, I want it in cash." "I do not accept Visa or MasterCard." "Yeah, okay, anything." "Just bring my muse back." "Steven Salon." "Noon today." "First thing we need to do is get you groomed." "Steven Salon." "Got it." "Okay." "Promise you won't mess with my hair too much, okay?" "Yeah?" "Ashley considers celebrity hairstyles fine literature." "With an Esquire cut, she'll think you read it too." "I look like a gigolo." "It takes hours to look like a rich creeper." "[ Groans ] I can barely breathe in this." "Okay, you know, this is way too tight." "It needs to be tight." "Ashley likes her men with definition." "Do you even work out?" "I Jazzercise." "Kidding." "How tall are you?" "About 6"1'." "Really?" "About 5"11'." "You're gonna need two-inch lifts." "Ashley likes her men tall, dark and handsome." "I got a deal on the shirt." "So it's only gonna cost you 200." "Bucks?" "For" "Oh, Britney, I can find a three pack at the outlet store for 11.95." "200 bucks." "If Ashley smells the stench of wholesale on you, not even God himself could get you back together." "[ Walkie-Talkie Static ] The hot dog is in the bun." "Over." "[ Gasps ]" "Camouflage doesn't help you blend in with a ficus." "Sorry." "But remember to end all your transmissions with "Over."" "Okay, Britney needs our help." "Britney fired us." " That's because she was sad." "If we can follow Rick and figure out how he stole all our clients, then we can take him down!" "And then Britney will un-downsize us." "[ Sighs ]" "P-Please, Robs." "Brit's in trouble, and I don't want to let her down again, okay?" "Which is why we need to be all incognigenital." "Incognito, sweetie." "Incognito." " Oh." "[ Whimpering ] Okay." "Let's catch up with the hot dog." "Try a divorce." "[ Static ] The hot dog is leaving the bun." "Over." "Stop with the hot dog-- dog thing!" "Over." "You, uh" " You need some help there, brother?" "These can be tricky." "The good news is the pink shirt works." "All right." "Booyaka." "Right?" "Around twice." "Right?" "Through the loop." " Oh." "Thanks, bro." "I'm meeting my girl here and I wanna look good, you know?" "We've been having... issues." "Really?" "Let's talk." "[ Whispering, Indistinct ]" "She swears nothing happened." " Ah, Christian." "I know chicks, all right?" "And where there's smoke, there's fire." "End things now before you get hurt." "We've been together a year." "I don't know if I could handle breaking up with her." "Thankfully, my friend, you won't have to." "[ Robyn ] Look, there's Rick." "[ Tiffany ] This must be Rick's place." "Oh, this is kinda bigger than Britney's place." "Kind of a lot bigger." "I want a hot dog." "What have we got?" "500 new clients this month, sir." "300 for E-Mate." "Good, good." "Just make sure we keep the loved and the lovelorn balanced." "Oh, and, uh, what about Britney?" "She's done." "# [ Salsa ]" "# [ Continues ] [ People Chattering ]" "You got dumped because you liked Ashley a hell of a lot more than she liked you." "Relationships need balance." "It's gotta look like you don't want Ashley anymore." "Girls need to think you think you're better than them, or else they think that they can have you, and then they won't want you anymore." "[ Groans ]" "Look, if you want to win Ashley back, you need to pretend that you don't care about her." "And considering your level of whippedness, it's gonna take a lot more practice." "Okay, well, then shouldn't I be practicing on" "[ Man, Shouts ] Yeah!" "Whoo!" "Yeah!" "women?" "As a straight male, you're naturally aloof around other men." "You need to act the same way around women." " So I have to be an ass?" " Exactly!" "That's what women want." "Can I buy you a drink?" " Sure, man." "Thanks." "Uh, no, you can't." "Um" "You wanna shoot some pool then?" "Mm-mmm." "Ass." " Very nicely done" " Hang on a second, bro." "Hang on." "Look, I'm sorry." "It's not you." "It's just me." "I just got out of a relationship, and it's been" "[ Laughs ] It was great to meet you." "And I'll call you right before kickoff on Sunday." "Okay." "That wasn't aloof." "I thought you two were gonna start making out." "I'm sorry, Britney, but I'm a friendly guy, okay?" "And I'm pretty sure that women like affection." "That is just what we tell guys so we seem sensitive." "[ Groans ] This isn't me, Britney." "This isn't me." "I don't play games." "The first time that Ashley kissed me, my head said this was a one-shot deal, but my heart" "My heart said, "Follow her, you fool." And I did, and I found my muse." "Love is not a choice." "Yes, it is." "Love is a chemical reaction, a craving." "If I can control my urges for mini chimichangas, then love can be controlled too." "You're supposed to be my blank canvas, remember?" "I'm trying to create a Rembrandt here, and you're finger painting." "I don't like the new Mike." "Yeah, well, Ashley dumped the old one." "Paul, I can't believe it's you." "It's not." "My name's Jeff." " Right, but we went to SC together." "I went to UCLA." "Weren't you a business major?" " History." "Oops." "My bad." "Hey." "The craziest thing just happened." "I'm sitting here waiting for you, and then this other girl comes up" "Hey, Jeffy, you big stud." "Jeff and I have been together since our days at UCLA." "Judy, I-- Yeah, I don't know this girl." "Remember how we used to study together for history?" "[ Imitates Tiger Growl, Laughs ]" "I'm surprised either one of us passed." "Judy, baby, I promise." "I don't know this girl." "I've never seen her before." "I swear!" "[ Static on Walkie-Talkie ] Why would you" "[ Robyn ] Tiff." "Tiff." " Hey, who are you anyway?" "[ Tiffany ] The chicken has flown the coop." "Engage the chicken!" "Engage!" "Over." "[ Exhales ] Yeah." "Okay, you can do this, Robyn." "Are you okay, miss?" "'Cause I work for Splitzville, and I can help you." "I" "Hello." "E-Dump?" "I need to get rid of my cheating boyfriend A.S.A.P." "The chicken is crossing the road." "Why did the chicken" " Yeah." "I'm here." "Oh." " [ Gasps ]" " Oh, no." "Come on." "Air kisses." "Look, if you're looking for your latest boyfriend deletion," "I'm gonna have to charge you." "No." "I'm not dumping my new guy." "[ Sighs ]" "Are you okay?" "You look worse than usual." "New guy?" "Wonderful." "Just... perfect." "No, he so is, and he's renting out Club Finale tonight." "I wanted to see what Robs and Tiffs were doing." "Oh." "Um" "Well, I guess you can come then." "No, I-I really... could use a vodka cranberry." "# [ Loud Dance ]" " # [ Continues ]" " This is so exciting, Brit." "I always wished we were closer." " Really?" "Yeah." "And when you put makeup on, you're not half hideous." "[ Giggles ]" "[ Ashley ] Hi, honey." " Oh." "Britney?" "Britney, wait." "I'm sorry." "Sorry?" "For what?" "For dumping me?" "For ruining my business or for dating my sister?" "Or is this just a blanket apology for all your past wrongs... and future mea culpas against me?" "Yeah." "That one." "The least you could've done was hired me to break up with myself." "Then I would've gotten something out of it." "It's not my fault." "I mean, look at her." "Ashley has this aura, like she pretends to not care about anything." "She's not pretending!" "Listen, I'm opening up a new break-up division, strictly for the removal of sloppy seconds." "And I need someone to run it for me-- someone like you." "[ Gasps ]" "Had to pick the red." "Ew!" "Ew." "My sister?" "Ew!" "[ Yelps ]" "It's not that big" " Mmm!" "[ Children Chattering ]" "[ Chattering Continues ]" "[ Exhales ]" "[ Girl ] The contrast is amazing." "[ Paintbrush Bangs Ground ]" "Just keep goin', guys." "Do your best." "Mike." "Come on." "Let's go." "Come on." "[ Clapping ] Good job, guys." "Ashley." "You look amazing." "It's really good to see you." "Wow." "You, uh" " You look terrific." "We should totally hang out sometime." "Totally hang out?" "[ Microphone Feedback ]" "What are you, 12?" "Oh, are you gonna make her a mix tape too?" "Would you please stop and just turn down the volume?" "All right?" "You're gonna force me to pull a van Gogh." "Get focused, okay?" "No compliments." "One-word answers." "Ashley is your muse." "You need her." "And I need that money." " All right. [ Clears Throat ]" "Now just do what we rehearsed." "Don't forget the three A's-- arrogant, aloof, assy." "Assy." "Right." " And if you run into any troub" "She's coming." "Move it, van Gogh." "Okay, walk slowly." "Be cool." "I said cool, not constipated." "[ Clears Throat ]" "[ Laughs ] Yeah." "Yeah, well, uh, nice talking to you, gorgeous." "All right." "Yeah." "Talk to you later." "Mike." "Oh." "Uh, what's up-- Amber." "Ashley." " Right." "[ Chuckles ] You got a haircut." "Had it styled." "I like your shirt." "Is that Sea Island cotton?" "[ Static On Earpiece ]" "[ Britney On Earpiece ] Yes." " Yes." "Yes." " Esquire says" " Esquire says... that once you cut the tags off your clothes, they're dated." "Plus pink is the new white, so I've gotta update most of my casual wear." "Thankfully, black is still the new black" "Thankfully, black is still the new black, so I've still got that going on." " # [ Men Singing In Spanish ] - [ Feedback Hums ]" "Miro amor, mirame en los ojos." "# [ Continues ] What?" " # [ Stops ]" " Uh, I was just Spanglishing." "I was" " I was, uh" " I was just Spanglishing." "It's that new thing to do." "You start your sentence in English." "You end it in Spanish." "Oh." "Of course." "Spanglishing." "I've been doing that for... mucho tampon." " Right." "Uh, well, I've gotta go, but we should totally-- [ Cell Phone Rings ]" " Hello." " Walk forward." "Pivot." "Walk away." "Okay, if she stares at you for at least four seconds, we are in." "Four, three, two, one." "Yes!" " Ah!" " [ Loud Clattering ]" "# I'm so gonna pull this off Doo-dah, doo-dah #" "# Then I'm gonna get 10 grand Doo-doo-doo-dah-day # Cha-ching!" "# I'm gonna save my place, yeah and punch Rick in the face # Uh!" "# Then I'll take his business down Doo-doo-doo-dah-- #" "[ Brakes Squeal ]" " [ People Exclaiming ]" " Oh, my God!" "I am so" " Britney?" " Sally?" "Um" " I'm okay." "Really." "I'm gonna be okay." "[ Stammers ] You-You dropped something." "[ Phones Ringing ]" "[ Phone Rings ]" "[ Woman ] This is E-Dump." "Are you dumping a boyfriend, girlfriend or one of each?" "Let me tell you, girls." "It is great having... two break-up specialists with your experience here." "Welcome to E-Dump." "[ Giggles ]" "[ Gasps ] Look!" "Brit!" " This is not what it looks like." " Totally." "Good. 'Cause it looks like you're hurting me." "[ Whimpers ]" "[ Seagulls Squawking ] [ Ship Horn Blows ]" "Ta-da!" "This is just a little thank-you for all of your help so far-- far." "Rick used to shower me with roses, all the time." "Now every time I see them, I think of him... and I remember all the pain." "Rick ruined red roses for me." "He also ruined bubble baths, New York City... and most of my music collection, including, sadly, my '90s Madonna." "Ashley killed frozen yogurt for me." "Also, uh, hammocks, banana pancakes and the color magenta." "[ Scoffs ] I lost French food, diet cola and airplane flights to Rick." "Da Vinci is dead to me." "So are butterfly kisses, Ping-Pong and reality TV." "The beach, Pictionary, sweet tea, iPods, slow dances, Cary Grant." "Sunsets, sleeping in, strawberries and John Denver's "Country Roads."" "Rick ruined everything for me." "Maybe I should come back tomorrow." "[ Crying ]" "Have I really got you in my arms again?" "Oh!" "Jack!" "Rick's company is huge, and I'm just me." "And now they have my two best friends." "[ TV Continues, Indistinct ]" "Well, they're a heartless corporation just in it for the money." "You dumped people out of love." "Will you stop with that awful four-letter word?" "[ Chuckles ]" "You know, if the writers of these movies you like so much never experienced love, they'd have no idea how to portray it on screen, and you wouldn't have any idea who Cary Grant is." "You see, when a person has love and they channel it into something, whether it's a painting... or a business that helps people shed their unwanted exes, it becomes a force of nature." "A passionate person fueled by love is a force that no one can defeat." "[ Birds Twittering ]" "[ Children Chattering ]" "[ Mike ] Just use that other color." "All right." "Can I grab your brush for a second?" "Thank you." "All right, guys, we're gonna do some more passionate and stronger strokes." "Just like this, all right?" "And be vibrant with your colors." "Because we are happy, and this is a happy mural." "Hi." " Mmm." "Uh, keep goin', guys." "[ Phones Ringing ]" "[ Copier Whirring ]" "I went to that frat house like you asked." "I got at least five new names." " Oh." "And where would our client list be?" "I mean, I should add the new names." "[ Giggles ]" "Well, leave them on my desk." "No one sees the client list but me and Rick." "Hmm?" "[ Pen Clatters ] Oops." "Mmm!" "Thanks." "No ways." "[ Murmurs ]" "[ Clears Throat ] Sorry." "Oops." "Right." "[ Whimpers ]" "What about her?" "Uh, purse doesn't match?" "No." "You're not supposed to wear white after Labor Day." "Oh." "Oh!" " And that's for ditching me last night." "Well, I remembered how much you appreciated our other night together." "Yeah, but, last night, I need" "I mean, I wouldn't have hurt you for staying." "Okay, hang on." "Stop." "So, first, you're pissed at me because I stayed." "Now you're mad at me for leaving." " Yeah." "Well, how am I sup-- Oh, come on, Britney." "[ Gasps, Sighs ]" "Well, I'm sorry?" "Congratulations." "You passed." "Passed what?" " The female-brain test." "See, our logic is way more advanced than your standard Earth male, yet we expect you to understand even when we don't make sense." "That makes no sense." " Exactly." "But you kept your cool and followed the golden rule:" ""Always apologize to a girl when she's upset."" "Especially when you didn't do anything wrong." "So, hang on." "All the crying last night-- that was part of this test?" "Yeah, of course." "I mean, come on." "Me cry?" "Bah." " Okay. 'Cause I was worried about you." "That guy was progressively lighter from head to toe." "Who dresses him?" "Have you ever considered working on the happy end of relationships?" "[ Scoffs ] People don't need help falling in love." "They have the Internet and alcohol for that. [ Chuckles ]" "But they do need someone to help cushion the blow when it's over." "'Cause no matter how gently you dump someone, what your ex is really saying is, "My life is better without you in it."" "Getting dumped is like skinning your knee as a kid." "I'm just the kiss from Mom that makes it feel better." "I really hope that one day you and love get back on speaking terms." "Love is just a leftover emotion from our hairy ancestors." "I mean, when your house is under constant attack from woolly mammoths, then yeah, love and all that other cutesy stuff are important." "But today we have wireless everything." "We're self-sufficient." "We don't need to rely on each other." "[ Both Laughing ]" "So, what about them?" "Probably been together for over 30 years." "Their youthful good looks are gone." "They've already gotten on each other's every last nerve." "And I'm sure they're not in it for the sex anymore." "So how do you explain the fact that they're still together?" "How else other than love?" "Senility and Viagra." "[ Laughs ] I'm just saying." "While I agree that her shirt was cut sluttily, it also had a very humorous slogan on the front, so clearly my client was looking at that and not her boobs." "So it's over." "Deal with it." "[ Beeps ]" "Well, pardon me." "I don't know how I didn't see this tall drink of handsome." "[ Laughs ] Mm-mmm-mmm." "Oh." "Just as I thought." "Made in heaven." "[ Laughing ]" "I'm on my way to Crunch to do some pectoral flies." "Mm-hmm?" " Care to spot me?" "Okay." "[ Robyn ] Good work, Steven." "Your next dumping is on the house." "[ Chuck Whimpering ]" "Where's the client list?" "[ Muffled Shouting ]" "He's not talking." "That's because you gagged him, sweetie." "[ Giggles ]" "Let me go!" " Ow." "Is somebody thirsty?" "I've got a blueberry schnapps." "[ Whimpering ] [ Sniffs ]" "Or maybe-- maybe you'd prefer a whiskey shot." "No." "No, no." "Anything but that!" "Oh, this is so" " Mmm!" " No!" "Where is the client list, Chuck?" "I can't!" "I can't!" "No." "[ Whimpers ]" "Oh, right here." " Monsters." "[ Screams ] Oh!" "Monsters!" "Monsters!" "[ Whimpering ] No!" "No!" "Okay!" "Okay!" "Okay." "Just put them away." "Put them away." "I'll tell you." "[ Gasping ]" "The client list is in my e-mail account." "[ Chuckles ] So please stop." "[ Squeals ] [ Laughs ]" "[ Kisses ]" "Come on." "[ Gasping ]" "I'll pay, okay?" "You don't have to break a" "Bob had a full head of hair when he married his wife." "Now look at him." "He's hideous." "She nags him, restricts his football watching, and she's on the Olympic sex program-- once every four years." "Sucks for Bob." "Move." "He obviously needs to cut her loose, but E-Dump is getting overloaded with clients recently." "So I thought I'd outsource a few cases to you." "You interested?" "No." " Brooks, please." "Just listen to me, all right?" "Look, I came to bury the hatchet." "Yeah?" "Well, you already did." "It's in my back." "Please, just accept this rose... and these delicious nougats in the spirit of forgiveness." "I'm here to help, all right?" "Don't look a gift horse in the mouth." "I'm staring at the horse's other end." "[ Sighs ] Britney." "Britney, we need to be civil, all right." "For Ashley's sake." "I-- [ Groans ] I love her." "Why is every man in love with my sister?" "Just let me give you a job, all right?" " Ugh!" "You can run your own little break-up bureau out of E-Dump." "It'll solve your bank problems." "Britney, please." "I" "I don't wanna fight with my future sister-in-law." "Get out." "[ Sighs ]" "I mean, it's perfect irony really." "The break-up artist done in by love." "I'm broke." "My only hope is to get this guy together with my sister, and" "I mean, he's nice and he tries really hard, but" "He just lacks Rick's charm." "I'm surprised my sister fell for him at all." "I mean, God, what was she thinking?" "Sorry." "There's just no one else to talk to." "Well, I know it looks bad right now, but I have every faith that you will bring my muse back." "If you want the money now, I can give it to you." "No." "I don't take money I didn't earn." "I'm not my sister." "Ashley liked you for one reason." "She thought you were rich." "Okay." "Rick's got cash, which is why he's got Ashley." "We can fake your coolness, and maybe we can make you seem a little more financially attractive." "First we're gonna need some money." "[ Thunderclap ]" "Twenty-five bucks." "The emo kids love your artwork." "I just came to help." "Yeah, well, your help's why I'm sitting here with one client." "[ Murmurs ]" "Brit, this hasn't been easy for us either." "I miss you." "And Tiff's so crushed, she's going back to get her beauty school G.E.D." "Look, this file contains all Rick's clients, many of whom he stole from you." "Swing half of them back to your side, and his business is done." "I'll take them all." "[ Rain Dripping ]" "So, we got the money." "Now what?" "Uh-oh." "[ Grunts, Panting ]" "Is that all you got?" "[ Groaning ]" " Oh, shut up." "I can't feel my abs anymore." "I think you're supposed to rest in between sets." "Did Romeo rest when chasing Juliet?" "Ross never gave up from pursuing Rachel." "Right now, another man is wining and dining the woman of your dreams-- a horrible, disgusting other man." "[ Slaps Butt ]" "[ Groaning ] Three!" "[ Gasps ]" "You ready?" " Let's do the thing." "All right." "Okay." "Okay." "Good for dinners and daytime summer barbecues." "Yes." "Any movies after the third date." "Nice." "[ Gasps ] Come on." "First meeting of the parents." "[ Groans ] Birthdays and bar mitzvahs." "Shoot." "I knew that." "Let's go again." "Oh." "Sh" " I know." "I looked." "Force of habit, okay?" "Ow!" "Okay." "It was" " Never mind." "Oop." "And I want summaries of all the fall lines by tomorrow." "How's your fitness?" "It only takes me 12 minutes to do the 8-minute abs now." "Nice." "Oh, guys." "I'm so sorry." "I completely forgot." "Hey." "Oh, come on." "Oh, come on, guys." "Hey." "Hey, you know, I'll come in early tomorrow morning." "All right?" "We're gonna get this done." "I promise." "[ Sighs ]" "You know what, Britney?" "I'm done with this." "I'm done with the practice." "I'm done with the training." "I want my muse now." "Okay." "You're ready." "# [ Electronic Dance ]" "# [ Continues ]" "# [ Continues ]" "# [ Continues ]" "[ No Audible Dialogue ]" "[ Both Laughing ]" "Britney, you-- you were so amazing." "You knew everywhere that Ashley was gonna be." "No." "It's all you, Mike." "I'm so proud of how much of a dick you are now." "Oh." "Okay." "[ Both Laugh ]" "You think I should her now?" " What?" "No, no, no, no." "As soon as you pick up that phone, you go from hunter to prey." "No more balance." " Okay." "I'm breaking the rules!" "[ Both Laughing ]" "You're so good." " What a day." "Mike?" "Hi." "[ Chuckles ]" "Uh, hey." "What's up, Amber?" "Ashley." " Right." "Were, uh-- Were you getting a massage today?" "Mmm." "So what do you want, a ride home or something?" "No, no." "Uh, my boyfriend's coming to get me." "He, like, has a Mercedes." "Hmm." "Well, have a good night." "[ Snaps Fingers ]" "Oh." "[ Chuckling ]" "Mmm!" "Hi." "This is three grand a bottle." "What, is that a lot?" "Nah, I just sold one of my paintings." "You just sold one of your paintings?" "Half a mil." "Really?" "You just sold one of your paintings." "Yeah." "It was a bad week." "[ Chuckles ] I totally misread you." "You really come off as that "wholesale shopping bag" guy." "[ Laughs ] Yeah." "Yeah, that's, uh, just an act... to keep away all the chicks that are just after my money." "[ Singsongy ] Those are the worst." "Yeah." "[ Brakes Squeal ] That's your stop." "I'll call you tomorrow." "Laters." "Good work." "What's wrong?" "She, uh-- [ Clears Throat ]" "She kissed me." "Oh." "Well" "That's a" "That's a good thing, right?" "Yeah." "[ Chuckles ]" "Just drop us off." "We can't afford you for another hour." "[ Woman ] # I remember when you told me #" "# We'd be together till the end of time #" "# But time passed so quickly #" "# I guess you changed your mind #" "# Though my head's a mess #" "# I've got nothin' left without you #" "# And I hate how it feels #" "# I want to see you again #" "# How could this be the end #" "# Don't say good-bye #" "[ Chorus ] # Don't say good-bye #" "# I know this time it's for real #" "[ Mike ] Sorry, guys, but you know what?" "I know we're better than this." "And that's why we're gonna start over." "We're gonna put our hearts into it, and we're gonna put our souls into it." "Yeah." "Put some sea-foam green into it." "And remember, guys, we're telling a story here." "We're telling a story about good versus evil, and we're telling a story about love." "What the hell, Mike?" "This is our D-day." "We're on a strict schedule." "Ashley will be at Avalon by 10:15." " Spider Club, 10:30." "She asked me out." " Ashley asked you out?" "Ashley never asks anyone out." "I mean, that's great." "You got your muse back." " I turned her down." "What?" "I just thought that after the other ni" " No, Mike, I need this!" "Okay?" "Or else I lose everything." "[ Cell Phone Beeps ]" " Got your text." " Yeah." "You need something?" "I need my girls back." " Bouquet, bouquet!" " [ All Squealing ]" "[ Tiffany ] Yea!" "I'm so sorry that I downsized you girls." "[ Tiffany ] Mmm." " But I have a secret mission tonight." " Ooh." "You wanna get upsized?" " Let's do it!" " Yes!" "[ Laughing ] Yes!" "Yes!" "Oh, I totally wanna see you too, Rick." "But, yeah, no, we're gonna have to wait until tomorrow." "I totally have plans with someone else tonight." "Laters." "How did you know I liked pink roses?" "Red ones got ruined." "Keep feeding her wine, Mike." "The higher her blood-alcohol level, the better our chances." "[ Vehicle Approaching ]" "Okay." "You're right, sir." "They're on the move." "Oh." "I've gotta go powder my nosie." "If the waitress comes, I want" "Merlot-- 73.5 degrees." "Okay." "Very nicely done." "We almost have balance." "Go to the appetizer page." "Follow the script, and we will be fine." "Okay." "What if she does something unexpected?" "Desserts." "Here." "[ Chuckles ]" "Okay." "[ Static On Earpiece ] Uh" " Okay, static." "What's going on with the sound?" " Um, mike check, check." "Can you hear me?" "[ Static Continues ] You know what?" "Forget about it." "Don't even worry." "You have taught me well." "I can do this on my own." "No." "We're screwed I think it's the batteries." "[ Tiffany ] Here you go." "Hi." " Hi." "Oh." "Mm-mmm." "Okay." "Match the diode up with its ionic charge, or it won't circulate its power." " Tiff?" "[ Chuckles ] - [ Giggles ]" "[ Ashley ] And he's wearing pink." " Shoot." "She's coming!" "Battle stations." " [ Robyn ] Go." "Go." "After dinner, you should try the crème brûlée." "It's Atkins-friendly here." "The last time we were together, you so gave off this granola-loving, tree-hugging," ""I give my salary to the poor" vibe." "I am so glad I was wrong about you." "Yeah, well, uh, you know, I like to take things slow." "When I meet someone, I prefer to gradually reveal my personality as things" "[ Rick ] Ashley!" "You're being set up." "This, uh, guy paid your sister to help him get you back." "What?" "Ashley, I understand your concern." " Aw!" "Look!" " Oh, crap." " Pathetic." " What the hell's going on, Mike?" " Yeah, Mike." "[ Britney Clears Throat ]" "Brit-Brit?" "Ladies?" "How could you?" "After everything I've done for you." "She's just jealous, all right?" "She's trying to break us apart." "But I love you, Ashley." "[ Gasps, Yelps ]" "Ashes, no!" "Remember Mike?" "He-He has fashion sense, a limo and-- and those abs." "[ Mouthing Words ]" "Honey." "It's really expensive." "[ Gasps ]" "Hey!" "Back!" "[ Ashley ] Give it to me!" "It's mine!" "So the ring is huge." "Come on, Mike." "This is it." "Don't quit on me." "Mike." "I can't-- I can't do this anymore." "Britney, all the games, all the lies." "I don't" " I don't even think she's my muse anymore." "What?" "Last night when I kissed her," "I-I didn't feel that spark like before." "It didn't feel as good as when I kissed you." "That wasn't a real kiss." "It-- It was diversion." "Doesn't count." "Britney, the second that we kissed, my mind exploded with thoughts and feelings I didn't even know existed." "My body tingled." "My lips were on fire." "They were probably chapped." "I" " Here." "Britney, you took charge of my life." "Okay?" "You... knew me." "You read me." "No!" "No, I'm illiterate." " You're incredible." "You're incredible." "I'm in love with you." "[ Quietly ] No." "No." "Don't." "Don't." "Don't do this." "Just give it a chance." "I can't date clients." "You know what, Britney?" "If you want to treat me like a client, fine." "It's the logical choice, but I know you felt something last night." "You had to." "Okay, listen." " No." "No." "So for just once in your life, think with your heart." "Okay?" "# [ Woman Singing Ballad, Indistinct ]" "I" " It's-- It's not you." "It's me." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "# [ Continues ]" "[ Britney's Voice ] Cary Grant, Gregory Peck-- those were real men, men who don't exist today." " Rule number one:" "Do not hug me." " Get out!" " Is that all you got?" " What the hell, Mike?" "Considering your level of whippedness, it's gonna take a lot more practice." "And that's for ditching me last night." " [ Slaps Butt ]" " Ow!" "# To guide you and lead you through dark #" "# Into light #" "[ Both Laughing ]" "# Gotta know what you're feelin' #" "# Wanna know how you're dealin' #" "# With pain inside #" "# It's okay not to show it #" "# Takes some time letting go #" "# All the hurt you'll find #" "# [ Continues, Indistinct ] Robs?" "Perfect." "That would be perfect, girl." "[ Laughs ]" "I know what you're thinking." "You're thinking, "What was she thinking?" ""How could she pass up the love of a great guy?" "A great guy with a $10,000 check?"" "But I didn't earn Mike's money." "And I didn't earn Mike either." "He needs to be with someone like him, someone-- someone who still believes in love." "I just asked if you had more boxes." "Oh." "Um" "Nope." "That's-- That's it." "And you should've kissed Mike." "Shut up." "Why do girls keep dumping that cutie?" "Look at the bright side, Brit." "At least you kept him away from Ashley." "He would've never been happy with her." "Yeah." "I mean, Mike's money might help me keep all this stuff, but" "At least I can still look myself proudly in the mirror-- if I had a mirror." "Mmm." "We'll do one last check." "Okay." " Okay?" "[ Chuckling ]" "It's gonna be okay." " Okay." "Come on." "[ Sighs ]" "[ Knocking ]" "All right, come on in." "Let's get this over with." "You know, people tell me I had a mean job." "You foreclose and rip people out of their homes." "Does that make you happy?" "No." "Hi." "I paid off the bank." "What?" "Why?" "You paid me to help you get back with Ashley, and I failed." "I" " I didn't earn your money." "Oh, Britney." "I hired you to help me find my muse." "I'm very happy with your services." "It's incredible." "# [ Man Singing Country Rock ]" "The kids and I worked on it for three days straight." "Just came together like all great art does when you're inspired." "# [ Continues, Indistinct ]" "He liked you." "He really did." "You were great around the house, amazing in the kitchen... and a generous, yet gentle lover." "But he just needs to be with someone... a little less evil." "Plus 1997 called and it wants its unbuttoned Backstreet Boys shirt back." "[ Whimpers ]" "Unlike E-Dump, we offer a special players' club card for macks like you... that offers discounts on all "one-night stand" removals." "When the clock strikes 4:00, we'll get 'em out your door." "Wait." "Okay." "[ Beeps ]" "Gary?" "Hi." "[ Sniffling ] I just felt like we had a connection." "Yeah, I miss you too." "[ Male Reporter ] And now back to the financial news." "Shares of E-Mate took an Enron-esque nosedive today." "The company's effort to break into the break-up business bombed." "Now that company is getting dumped." "[ Britney Narrating ] I realized I have a gift for starting relationships... as well as ending them." "So I rebranded my company... and dedicated it to all aspects of the most powerful force of all." "[ Phone Rings ]" "Love Rocks." "This is Britney." "How can I help you?" "Well, how can he respect you, Steven?" "Stop putting out on the first date." "[ Narrating ] But I still enjoy going back to my roots every now and then." "Ah!" "Sorry to hear about everything." "Yeah, the break-up business-- [ Clicks Tongue ] it's a cruel one." "[ Chuckles ] This isn't over, Brooks." "I'll be back, especially now that I have Ashley." "Yeah, about that." "She doesn't really see this relationship progressing." "It's not her." "It's you." "[ Narrating ] Seems there are lots more people looking to fall into love... than fall out of it." "Love blows." "# [ Continues ]" "And that is the story behind this painting." "Thanks for choosing us, sir." "That money's going to good use." "# Singin' na-na, na-na #" "# It's a beautiful life #" "And it's all because of you." "My muse." "# Na-na, na-na #" "# It's a beautiful life #" "# Yes, it is Oh, oh #" "Hi." "I'm Ashley." "[ Britney Narrating ] Okay, so maybe love is a little more eternal... than I gave it credit for." "Yep, I love love again." "As some dead British guy once said that it's "better to have loved and lost... than never to have loved at all."" "Love is always in our hearts." "We can't lose it." "But in case you did, I can help." "I'm Britney Brooks, the love consultant." "Give me a call." "# What a beautiful life #" "# Yes, it is #" "# Na-na, na-na #" "# What a beautiful life #" "# Oh, na-na, na-na #" "# What a beautiful life #" "# Yes, it is #" "# Oh #" "# [ Acoustic Guitar:" "Alt Folk ]" "[ Man ] # Still tryin' to figure out what went wrong #" "# Thought we'd last forever 'cause we seemed so strong #" "# Singin' I love you #" "# Felt so right #" "# Now I lie awake so many lonely nights #" "# Everyplace I go and everything I see #" "# Reminds me of you and how we used to be #" "# You took more than my heart when you ran from me #" "# So please give me back New York City #" "# You ruined airplane flights and N.Y.C. #" "# Bubble baths and some sweet tea #" "# I can't swim I can't barbecue #" "# Green-eyed girls now make me blue #" "# Butterfly kisses fly away from me #" "# 'Cause I left my heart #" "[ Chorus ] # 'Cause I left my heart #" "# 'Cause you broke my heart #" "# 'Cause you broke my heart #" "# In New York City #" "# New York City #" "Subtitles by LeapinLar"