"All of my past washes over me." "All of my past is in this room." "I found you." "All of the women I have been with are eclipsed by you." "I am stripped." "I think of you as my patient." "I treat you." "I'm stripped also." "I searched and searched for you." "I want to know you." "I, like my work, there are rules." "They protect us." "The movement of your hands." "The rhythm of your hands has become my resting place." "Momentary peace... so sweetly broken apart." "Take off the mask." "You still have about an hour." "Do you wanna do the piercing?" "Yeah." " Aah." " Shh." "It's almost there." " Do you wanna look?" " Sure." "It's a little deeper than last time." "Yeah." "Do you wanna try another one?" "Sure." "I love doing this." "It's through." "Hold still now." " Hold still." " Uh-huh." "This is the best part." "Aah!" "I wrote a little note." "As usual." "Remember last week when the phone lines were all screwed up?" "God, yeah." "I lost a whole day's work practically." "I was out a lot of money." "I called you that day." "I know, you told me." "I got scared the place had closed down." "I..." "I worried I would never get in touch with you." "I'm going to quit at the end of the month." "I was thinking we could try... seeing each other on the outside." "You... you know I've wanted this for a long time." "Yes, I know." "How should we do this?" "Why don't you give me your number and I'll call you?" "I'll give you my card." "Mm." "Okay, look." "The guy told me 1:00, all right?" " What, do you think I made this up?" " No, no, no, no." "I didn't say that." "I only said that Jeff does not come in on Fridays, so there must be some misunderstanding." " A misunderstanding?" " Yes, a misunderstanding." "I'm sorry." "Staff meeting was moved up to three today, right?" "Uh, yes." "Mail keeps piling up." "Just getting in and you already look like you need a Valium, Peter." "I'll drop by your office later." "So what's going on?" "Sorry to bug you about this, but what do you think I should say to the Oxford people on the phone today?" "Uh, about?" "Remember the kid who hid himself in the building a couple of weeks ago?" "Oh, right." "Well, all I can say is you must tell them what you already know." "They're gonna cut him off unless you exaggerate what's going on." "What, like claiming he's suicidal?" "Well, that depends on how strongly you feel he should stay in therapy." " Anything else?" " No." "Thanks." "Thanks for calling." "No messages." "Ooh." "No, no, no, no." "Relax, relax, just leave them." "Is there something going on?" "You've been kind of hard to talk to these days." "I know, I've been pretty distracted." "Is it the clinic?" "In part." "Do you think this has anything to do with May's going away to college?" "Doesn't feel that way." "Except her leaving makes me know that I'm older." "I've been pretty preoccupied myself." "Ugh, if I don't finish this book up in Nova Scotia this summer, I don't know." "It's not just work." "Well, what is it, then?" "There's a dominant that I've been seeing." "I mean..." "I mean, I've been seeing... one dominant for a while now." "She told me the other day she's gonna stop working." "I've become very... attached to her." "Is it..." "Is it personal or professional, this attachment you have to her?" " Both." " Both?" "We're gonna try to get together for coffee after she's stopped working." "Are you telling me this to reassure yourself that that's all it'll be?" "No, that is all it will be." "I just didn't want you to think it was something else." "I didn't mean to..." "I just wanted to tell you." "Hello?" "I told you I'd call you." "Hi." " Sorry, am I late?" " No, not at all." "So how you doing?" "It's strange seeing you on the outside." "Well, how?" "You're uncomfortable, too." "I can tell." "I, uh, well, I..." "I guess I am a little nervous." "That's good." "Oh, um, just a glass of white wine for me, please." "Yeah, I'll have the same." "You said on the phone your wife's gone for the summer?" "Yeah, she's up in Nova Scotia writing." "It must be hard on you with your wife gone for so long?" "I'm used to it." "She goes there every summer." "Does that mean you've done this before?" "Done what?" "What we are doing right now." "No... not with anyone I've ever seen." " This is stupid." " What?" "What?" "Us talking like this." "The whole thing." " I should go." " Suzanne..." "I should go." "I'll never feel comfortable about how we met." "We would never have met in any other way." "That doesn't change the way I feel." "What do you want from me?" "Nothing." "Well, that's not true." "I do wanna talk to you." "You wanna know about me." "Yes." "Remember that guy I told you about?" "The one who liked extreme bondage?" "Who?" "Hog-tie Harry?" "Something happened with him about three weeks before I quit." "He was one of my first regulars." "I never really liked him, but I've always allowed him to see me." "Out of some kind of perverse loyalty, I guess." "But the last time I saw him, it wasn't just that I didn't like him... he repulsed me." " What did he ask you to do?" " No, no, it's not that." "It's more that I felt that he deserved to be humiliated like he should be kicked around." "Didn't he feel he deserved to be humiliated?" "I liked hurting him, Peter." "Are you saying you never felt this way before?" "I discovered I couldn't distance myself from the work." "Was I involved in this?" "I knew we had gotten too close." "It's late." "I'm happy here." "I like being with you." "I like being with you, too." "Suzanne, stop." "What's the matter?" "Are you enjoying this?" "Of course I am." "I wasn't sure." "I'm not available right now." "Who is it?" "Robert." "Um... did you decide?" "Diana." " I can take your tribute now." " Yeah, sure." "Here." "All right?" " Great." " Good." "Make yourself comfortable." "Take a position and Mistress Diana" " will be with you shortly." " Thank you." "Okay." "You're supposed to be kneeling." "I guess I wanted to talk first." "Kneel in front of me and we'll have a consultation." "What do you like?" "I love to be stretched... on a rack or on the bed, sometimes across a horse." "I used to take a lot more pain." "I'm into the more erotic parts of this now." "You know what a zipper is?" "Yes, I love that, but what I'm saying is that for the scene to be successful," "I need to be touched where the pain is." "Okay." "Spread your legs out." "More." " Are you stretched enough?" " Yes, thank you." "I have very small nipples." "I think I can find them." "Have you done piercing?" "No, that's the only thing I've never tried." "The sight of the needles makes me wanna pass out." "Pity." "I love piercing." "That was a terrific session." "Thank you." "I had a good time." "What days are you on?" "Wednesday afternoon and Thursday and Friday evenings." "But if you call in advance, I can try to arrange to be here on another day." "Robert's not my real name." "It's, uh... it's Peter." "Is Diana your real name?" " What do you think?" " I guess not." " What do you do, Peter?" " I'm a... a therapist." " Really?" " You sound surprised." "Most therapists take a while to admit it." "Are you married?" "Yes." " Do you two play?" " No, but she knows that I do it." "Hmm." "We're coming right out." "It's not an affair." "I could never do that." "My husband Chris comes from real wealth," "East Coast Wall Street money, and he's quite a few years older than I am." "Things are all right between us, but..." "I've never actually known any kind of feeling that could be called ecstasy with him." "I didn't even know what an orgasm was until recently." "We had this huge catered dinner affair, some of Chris' clients, valet parking and all that." "At some point during the evening," "I was called into the kitchen to resolve some stupid argument about what food to bring out next and I noticed the room where the staff had left their things." "And after everyone left the kitchen," "I went into that room, and I opened one of the backpacks." "And... and I found some change quarters, dimes, pennies." "I felt like I was gonna faint." "I began to rub the coins together between my fingers and then I began to dig my nails into the coin's... flesh, the surface." "It was like a series of waves." "That's how I knew." "It must have been wonderful." " It was." " Have these experiences continued?" "Well..." "I felt so guilty about it the first time," "I was determined never to do it again." "But I did do it again and after a while, I stopped feeling guilty about it." "But I..." "I still would like to know... why I get my pleasure this way." "Because it is restricted." "Can I ask you a question about something you described?" " Yes." " Did you keep the coins?" "Well, I only needed a few at a time." "I never would have given them back." "You didn't buzz first." "I'm sorry, I forgot." "If you don't watch out, you'll lose your key privileges." "I hope you are not serious." "I just like to know you're coming up, that's all." "Not too much to ask, is it?" "What are we arguing about here?" "My right to privacy." "That's bullshit." "Suzanne, you don't like the way I do anything these days." "Ugh, could you tell whoever it is I'll call them back, please?" "Hello?" "She's not here right now." "Can I take message?" "Juno?" "And she has your number?" "I'll take it." "This is the woman you used to work for, isn't it?" "Hi, Juno." "Let's try again." "I know you can get it." "F... free." " Let's try it another way." " I don't wanna do this." " Let's just see..." " I don't wanna do this!" " Peter..." " No!" "Hi, you've reached Suzanne." "Please leave a message." "Suzanne, I was..." "it's Peter." "I was wondering if we could get together later?" "Do you think that's a good idea?" "I think it's a good idea." "Would you call me back when you... when you get a chance?" "Yeah?" "Lisa, hi." "I've got one of the Board of Directors up front." "Shit." "I'm not even close to ready with this thing." "I told them I wasn't sure if you'd left yet." " If you don't mind." " No problem." "Thanks." "You may open your eyes now." "You're fighting it today, Peter." "Yeah, I know." "I know." "Let the control go." "Come on, you're experienced." "You know how to do this." "Hey." "You really have runner's legs." "Not too much to grab on to." "Let your body lead the way." "I wanna be taken apart." "Thank you." "Are you ready to worship me?" "Yes." "Yes?" "Yes." "The year I turned 16 was the most horrible year of my whole life." "We had just arrived from Germany to finally join my father, but... my parents' marriage was always a disaster and he basically left right away." "He came to visit me and my brother sometimes." "And then, some months later, around Christmas, he just crashed into this truck in the middle of nowhere." "Boom." "Life, I can tell you." "Were you... were you close?" " To him?" " Yeah." "I was his favorite." "I wanted it to be that way." "I think I even flirted with him." "In fact, I know I did." " Did anything..." " No." "Not with him, but my mother always hated how close we were." "She was jealous." "She..." "she always punished everyone for her own unhappiness her whole life." "Just like she punished me and my brother when my dad died." "She was so cold and removed." "Sometimes when people are in shock..." "Look, Peter, I have a therapist." "I talk to her once a week, I don't need another one." "Yeah, yeah, right." "I'm sorry." "I didn't mean to be so harsh." " I should go." " I'll get you a cab." " No, I like walking." " I'll walk with you." "No, I like walking alone." "Stop." "Please let me continue." "Let me... smell you." "Lie down." "Lie down, Peter." "We only have a few minutes left." "I remember being so bored that summer." "Also terrified of trying to make friends." "I ended up hanging out with this kid Tim." "I guess I thought he was cute, but mostly I just needed not to be the new girl with the weird accent." "When I gave him the blow job that day," "I actually remember feeling proud of myself afterwards." "I never knew if Tim meant to tell everybody like that or if it just got around but by then it didn't matter." "Why am I telling you this?" "You hear these kind of stories every day." "I don't think that's the point." "I was gonna say... if it didn't still hurt, you wouldn't have brought it up." "Come on, Peter." "Even you must hold on to things that irritated you a long time ago." "Of course." "So, what?" "Tell me." "Things at school." "School things." "Things I couldn't seem to make them understand." "I tried it... every time I'd talk, everything seemed to come out wrong." "It was shameful." "I get mad about it." "Makes me..." "Even now, people correct the way I say something," "I sit there for days going over it in my head." "More and more terrified of losing it." "Jesus, listen to us." "What?" "Talking about our childhood like this." "People talk to me about this sort of thing all the time." "That's exactly the reason why we should be talking about other things." "I like listening to you." "I think we've established on plenty of occasions that your intentions aren't as innocent as that, Peter." " What's going on?" " Nothing." "You didn't like me touching you?" "It's what I saw behind it." "What did you see?" "How much more you wanted." " During our sessions together..." " That wasn't me, okay?" "You wanted to go out, too." "I know." "I just need to do it my way, okay?" "I will be back." "I will be back." "Do my legs now." "Do you want me to take this off?" "You know that's against the rules." "Do they apply to us anymore?" " The rules are there to protect us." " I know." "You don't sleep with your patients!" " That's not the same thing." " For me it is." "It's time to jerk off." "Aah!" "I want you to come for me." "Suzanne!" "Suzanne." "Hello, my dear." "Don't you look wonderful." "Not even a kiss hello?" "Too late, I'm already sitting." "What would you like, dear?" "Deaf cappuccino, please." "No caffeine?" "You've changed." "So tell me, what have you been doing with yourself since you left the business?" "Working on my art mostly." "That all?" "It's a lot." "I'm sure." "Yes." "And the girlfriend?" "What about her?" "I always thought you'd end up with a man." "Oh, I suppose there's still plenty of time for that." "I'm not going back to work for you, you know?" "Of course I do, honey." "No, no, I..." "I have something specific" "I thought you might be interested in." "A very lucrative something down in Philadelphia." "An old regular." "I imagine you could make enough to support yourself for two or three months." "Do people still ask for me?" "Oh, yes." "They miss you." "I wonder if you know why you're so good at it, why the customers really do miss you." "You really could create the feeling of intimacy." "Fake intimacy, but that's why the customers kept coming back." "Maybe, but so what?" "You're still perverse." "There's more than one way to express that." "I am sorry, Juno." "I can't help you out." "Have it your way." "You won't hold it against me, now." "That would be unprofitable for both of us." "Hi." "I'm fine." "Working on a new panel." "I'm not sure I'm ready to see you again so soon." "I know, I know." "I just need a little bit more time." "I'm pretty busy right now." "I'll call you." "All right, next week sounds good." "Okay." "You, too." " Have you read this?" " Mm-mm." " Well, I have." " Really?" "Yeah." "Wasn't one just like last years?" "Well, there's nothing new here." " Let me tell you." " Really?" "I mean, look at this chapter right here." "I know." "I know." "Ugh, but, my God, he's amazing." "It's his third book in three years." "Have you read this month's issue" " of "Psychoanalytic Thought"?" " No." "Well, my essay on counter transference in young adults," " deals with a lot of the same issues..." " Really?" " Yes!" " Oh, please." "I don't know where he gets this stuff." " Well, he's got a good publisher." " Huh." "How come you're always in corners, Peter?" "You're terrific to watch." "Thanks." " You ever do men?" " It's usually men I do." "I haven't done a public scene for a long time." "Looking for someone to corrupt you, huh?" "Ah, maybe so." " You straight?" " Uh-huh." " You married?" " Uh-huh." "What's your name?" "Peter." "Go to the bar and get me a bottle of water, Peter." "Go." "I'll take a water." "Keep the change." "You ready?" "I'm ready." "What would you like me to do?" "I want you to go over there, take off all your clothes, and wait for me." "People will stop and stare, but they're not allowed to touch." "You know that, right?" " Yes." " You can call me Mistress Terry." "Yes, Mistress Terry." "Go." "Since this is our first time together," "I'm gonna take it really slow." "I'm gonna handcuff your wrists, but your feet are gonna stay on the floor." "Say "Thank you, Mistress Terry. "" "Thank you, Mistress Terry." "Raise your hands." "Good." "Peter, Peter, relax." "This is supposed to make you feel good." "The safety word is "mercy"." "You say "mercy" and the scene is over." "We don't go on to something else." " We stop." " Thank you, Mistress Terry." "Let me hear you say "mercy"." " Mercy." " Good boy." "You have the option of a blindfold." "I'd like to keep my eyes open, Mistress Terry." "Okay." " Kiss it." " Kiss it?" "Kiss it." "How's that?" "Fine, fine." "Aah!" "Aah!" "Mercy." "Mer... mercy." "Mercy... mercy." "Are you sure?" "You know my rule." "Yes, Mistress Terry." " I'm sorry about earlier." " Aw, you didn't like my punishment?" "Oh, no." "You were great." "It was me." "I just... didn't have it tonight." "Mm." "Well, I'm here most weekends." "I'd be happy to try again with you, Peter." "If you want." "Thanks." "Hi, you've reached Suzanne." "Please leave a message." "Suzanne, it's Peter again." "I haven't heard from you in a little while." "I hope everything's all right." "I was wondering if you wanted to get together tomorrow night." "I'm seeing a patient at six, but I'm free after that." "Call me." "I miss you." "Did you see my red nail polish?" "Miko, did you hear me?" "What is it?" "Who is Peter?" "A friend." "He sounded like something else." "I don't like the way you said that." "Was he client?" "Why would you think that?" "Where else you meet a man?" "He is a former client... but I happen to have other male friends from all parts of my life." "You are changing the subject." "No, I'm not." "You are acting as if you don't know I've had boyfriends." "So, he was boyfriend, too?" "No!" "Don't... change things around!" "I thought you didn't see your client outside work." "I thought that was breaking the rule." "I don't work there anymore." "Remember?" "Argue your way out of it like always you do... but I saw guilt on your face when I asked you." "Don't leave." "Let's..." "Fuck this, Suzanne." "Fuck all of this." "I'm seeing a patient at six, but I'm free after that." "Call me." "I miss you." "Hello?" "Yes," "I would like to speak to Juno, please." "Hello, Walter." "It's been quite a while." "Yes, Mistress Diana." "I don't come back East very often anymore." "May I say something, Mistress Diana?" "Speak." "I was hoping for the red leather outfit." "You know black makes me uncomfortable." "Are you telling the mistress what she should wear?" "I was only hoping that since I am paying for this..." "This is all they've got here!" "Next time you have to come to New York!" "Get up." "Put those on your ankles." "Uh-oh, look at you, clumsy, stupid." "Mistress, Diana." "You know I need you to speak more softly." "It's important." "The tone is not right." "If you continue to speak like this," "I'm going to fix you with a ball gag." " Please, Mistress..." " Shut up!" "Walk over to the rack and don't move!" "I know you're looking at me." "Keep your eyes on the wall." "Put this on your wee wee." "No, Mistress, please." "Come on, do it!" "I don't want you dripping on the floor." "It's disgusting." "May I say something, Mistress, please?" "What, Walter?" "It is important that you touch me correctly." "That... that... is just not right." "I've had it, Walter." "Open your mouth." "Open your mouth!" "I'm not in the mood to put up with this today." "I'm really not in the mood." "And I don't wanna hear another sound from you." "I don't believe we're gonna be able to continue these sessions until your whip technique improves significantly." "And I believe your session has come to an end, unless you wish to pay for another hour." "And you do need to work on that voice." "It's still not quite right." "Don't try to top me, Walter." "Thank you." "Hello?" "Steve?" "What's going on?" "No, no." "Yeah, of course I'll let you know what's happening." "What I'd really like to do is to, um... escape up there with you." "Yeah." "Have you talked to May?" "No, I haven't either, but she's in Venice." "I got a postcard from her." "Yeah, sure." "Uh, Pat, hold on." "I have another call." "Yeah?" "Suzanne?" "What is it?" "You blew up the reproductions from the book I gave you." "You don't like it?" "No, I think this is great." "I wanted to apologize for being so out of touch lately." "It's fine, don't worry about it." "Are you all right?" "Well, I had a tough day at the clinic yesterday." "Uh, so, I'm glad I'm here." "I haven't seen my mother in close to a year." "She doesn't know anything about my life." "Whatever you want to say about me... us..." "She probably won't even ask." " Hey." " Hey." "So you get lost or somethin'?" "No, why?" "How long did it take us to get here?" "I don't know, I just thought you'd be here sooner." "We drove right out and if it wasn't for my friend Peter offering to bring me, it would've taken much longer." "Oh, um, Steve, this is Peter." "Peter." "Nice to meet you." "Should we go inside?" "Yeah." "Why didn't you tell me you had gone in for a biopsy?" "I didn't want to make a big deal of it until I knew." "I would like to be there for your next appointment." "I'm sorry for this horribly morbid introduction to our family." "No, no." "I'm sorry about your news." "Are you sure you don't want a cup of coffee or somethin'?" "Uh, okay, sure." "I'll, uh..." "I'll come with you." "I have been busy with this new art project I'm working on." "And the temp job?" "I only do that work to make ends meet." "What is the new art project about?" "It's not about one thing." "It was kind of your friend to drive you over here." "What does he do?" "He's a therapist." "Not yours, I hope." " No, but what does that..." " Don't get upset." "I was only half serious." "I came here to talk about you, Mom." "I'm worried." "Save your worry for when things get really bad." "Stephen?" "He'll help you get the guest room arranged upstairs." "We're not staying the night." "You came all the way out here just to leave again?" "Peter has to go back." "Did you just call me, Ma?" "You'll stay for dinner at least, I hope." "So do I get to see this project sometime?" "If you come to New York." "Are you still in the same space near that loud bridge?" "Yes, and it's not that loud." "As long as you're happy." "I am." "Good." "So, Peter," "I didn't catch what you did in the city." "He analyzes people like us." "I'm a..." "I'm a therapist." "You don't find it depressing?" "Uh, no." "Why would you think that?" "See, I was right." "You can't help analyzing people." "You're welcome to stay over." "We need to go back." "What?" "I don't really know what to do here." "Why don't you go home?" "She can always call if she needs anything." "No, I mean, in general." "Don't imagine the worst yet." "A lot of people make it through this." "Hey." "Is this all about me not staying the night?" "No, but it would be nice to think that maybe you'd be around sometimes if we need your help." "Let's take one step at a time, okay?" "Why don't you give me a call tomorrow?" "You know... you keep expecting her to change and, uh, she's not gonna." "So I have to?" "Is that what you're saying?" "Forget it." "All right?" "I'll talk to you tomorrow." "Thanks for today." "You going to be all right?" "What do you mean?" "Uh, nothing." "Do you wanna come up for a little while?" " Any messages?" " Yeah, a couple of patients." "And from your wife?" "No." "Can I kiss you?" "I've only let a few people kiss me." "I wanna kiss you more than anything." "I will never feel comfortable about how we met." "Well, we can't do anything about that." "That's the point." "I wanna be inside you." "Why did you ask me up here?" "When we left my mother's house, I felt very close to you." "We met two and a half years ago." "You didn't me, you met Diana." "Who did you meet?" "Somebody who tops from the bottom." "That's not fair." "When you started to bring me those books, you were being manipulative." "It wasn't just me." "You wanted to go out, too." "And I gave you those books because I thought you might enjoy them." "I did enjoy them." "It's no good, Peter." "I can't." "Please leave a message." "Suzanne, it's Peter." "I was wondering how you're doing." "Things have been pretty stressful here at the office." "I guess I'll, uh... tell you about it when we talk." "I also feel exhausted by what happened." "Why don't you give me a call?" "I'll be at the office for an hour or so." "I hope you..." "Well, call me." "Hi, you've reached Suzanne." "Please leave a message." "Suzanne, it's Peter." "Are you there?" "I just wanted to make sure you were all right." "That's all." "I'm sorry." "I feel silly calling again, but it's been almost five days since we last saw each other." "Or even talked." "If we could just... well..." "Hi." "I'm here." "I can't see you anymore." "That's it, Peter." "I'm not going to change my mind." "I'm sorry about the other night." "I thought I could be patient." "I..." "I can't allow myself to want you." "I know that's how you feel." "It will never happen again." "It will never happen." "I don't wanna lose you!" "If I gave in, I would be..." "I can't." "And in reality, Peter, you can't either." "Well, that's your decision, not mine." "Did you forget that you're married?" "It's like your age." "It's something I can't ignore." "Let's get out of here." "Let's just walk around" " and talk about this." " No!" "No, I'm not going anywhere with you together." "Suzanne, don't do this." "Do what?" "You are the one who's losing control." "You can't let go of the... fantasy." "Is that all you think this has been?" "All?" "Maybe not." "But it doesn't matter." "I can't be responsible for you." "Tell me what you feel, Peter." "I feel you still with me." "And this?" "Pain." "It feels like pain." "Tell me what's happening." "I'm sad." "Stay with it, Peter." "As a child, I'd already given up hope." "I was made to shape myself to what others wanted." "Helpless, I searched." "I wanted to be punctured, pierced, torn apart." "Reformed." "Shaped, I struck at their plan." "I wanted to puncture, pierce, rip apart." "I want to look at you again." "The time is up." "Is she okay out there?" "Oh, yeah." "She's a much better swimmer than I am." "Oh, mm..." "The fisherman finally got their new boat landing on the south shore." "The state approved it a few weeks ago." " Aw, that's too bad." " Oh, I don't know." "I'm not even sure it'll make that big of a difference." "Well, I thought most people were against it." "Eh, they were resisting the idea of change as much as anything else." " That's normal, I guess." " Hmm." "But not very realistic." "Did she tell you anything about her trip?" "No, not really." "I suppose we'll have to wait to see the pictures." "That's funny." "How they go from telling you absolutely everything to practically nothing." "She's private." "Like you." "I don't know." "About her or you?" "I'm scared most people won't understand." "Does that include me?" "No." "You do hurt me, you know?" "I know." "And I'm sorry." "Hello?" "Suzanne." "It's Peter." "How are you?" "I'm fine." "I saw your ad in one of the magazines." "I needed the money." "It's only one day a week." "I was wondering if we could get together." "Just to talk." "It won't be any different than it was a year ago." "Peter?" "Are you there?" "Yes."