"(MUSIC ON HEADPHONES)" "I went to a gig last night, I did." "Got completely rat-arsed." "It was brilliant." "Feel a bit rough today, mind." "(CAR ACCELERATES)" "(EXPLOSION)" "Getting a bit dark." "I'll put me lamp on." "Bugger!" "Oh, well." "I'll watch telly instead, eh?" "Mind you, it's a bit parky." "I'll just put t'fire on, though knowing my luck, something tragic will 'appen probably." "Bugger!" "The bloody electrics in this place!" "(SIGHS) I should be safe with this, at least." "It's battery powered." "Crikey!" "Oh!" "It's a bloody death trap, this house." "I'd better not touch owt else electrical." "(PHONE RINGS)" "Hello?" "I-I-I'll get back to you!" "Bugger." "I should get an electrician in, I suppose, but it's yet another expense." "(CUCKOOS)" "(CUCKOOS MANICALLY)" "Bugger." "Come on." "Stop wasting our time." "We know you've been passing on information." "We can do a deal." "I've told you, someone's been telling stories about me." "I'm clean." "Yeah, pure as the driven snow." " Hello." "I'm the new interrogator." " Hi." "Roger Fenner." "Steven Pope." "I'm sorry." "You were again?" "Oh, I'm the secret double-agent bloke." "A-ha!" "Shit." "Someone's sitting there, mate." "I don't make the rules." "Someone's sitting there." "Go on." "Do one." "I bow before thee, most gracious and imperious virgin Queen of England." "Thy beauty has not faded while I have been at sea." "I am ever more dazzled by your radiance and magnificence." "If I were to compare thee..." "Yes, all right, but does my bum look big in this crinoline?" " They weren't." " They were." "She's either lying or bonkers." " Beep!" "Beep!" " All right, Colin?" "There's a crush today." "It certainly is a Crowded House." "You wouldn't believe the Jam at the bar." "I had to Squeeze past everybody." "I said don't stand, don't stand so, don't stand so close to me." "De-doo-doo-doo, de-da-da-da." "Eyoh-oh-oh!" "Oh, dear." "There must have been INXS of 20 people in front of me." "Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am, stuck in the middle with you..." "Sorry, Maggie." "There's your ear on the floor." " Any danger of actually getting a drink?" " Certainly, bertainly." "Here we are, U2." "A champagne supernova for the lady in red and a red, red wine for Marky Mark." "This one goes especially to the one I love." "Oops!" "Only joking!" "There you are, Doreen." " Oh, dear!" " Colin, don't be such a tease." "Anyway, they've definitely not split up." " How can she see him after what he did?" " Wake up, Maggie!" "Love is the drug." "When a man loves a woman, it's a kind of magic." "You're simply the best." "So papa don't preach." "Er...shaddup your face." "Er...help..." "Ooh!" "I need somebody." "Help!" "Colin, could we just have a normal conversation without any puerile jokes." "Apologies, force of habit." "Sorry." "Seems to be the hardest word." " Doreen!" " Sorry." " Right." " Said Fred." "Bollocks to the lot of you." "Never mind the bollocks, Mark." "Here's my sex pistol." "(THUNDER)" "(MELODRAMATIC MUSIC)" "Villeneuve in the McLaren." "I know it's a turn-up for the books, but trust me." "Monster!" " No." "If we'd taken that right..." " This is not Anson Road." "Hang on a minute." "Excuse me." "Do you know Anson Road?" " You don't want to ask me." " You don't know." "Of course I know." "For your own good, don't ask me." " Why's that?" " Just leave it, all right?" " Why?" " 'Cause I'll nick you." " We haven't done anything." " I know." "It don't matter." "I am a copper." "I will nick anyone." "I'm a little bit wuuuh, a little bit wa-a-ay." "I'm a copper." "I'm a little bit "'ello, 'ello, 'ello"." "A bit "stick it in there, say no more"." "A little bit "he fell down the stairs, sarge"." " I am a copper." "I will nick anyone." " Yeah, very funny." "Now, is it left or right?" " You're nicked." " Eh?" "(JAZZ MUSIC)" "Hello, and welcome to "Jazz Club"." "Cool." "On today's show, Britain's own white-witch doctor, Jeremy Queeg, with his band Kumquat." "Great." "So, Jeremy, lord of the bright, young jazz scene, welcome." "Easy running, rasta." "Tell us, what groove are you digging tonight?" "Tonight I'm playing my new single, "Car Pollution Hypocrisy"." "It is a vast blend of musical styles, all lumped together in a huge cooking pot which is my brain." " Beautiful." " My father was a Polish Franco-Austrian Jew and my mother was and is the wind - can you hear her on the breeze?" "Um, so how would you describe your new album, "Shakestorm"?" "It's a huge magical carpet, interwoven with a thousand musical dreams..." "Mum!" "She's gone again." "So, if you could categorise it, what style of jazz would you categorise it as?" "Well, for me, young lion, I would say it was acid skiffle." "And now I really must go." "Great. "Car Pollution Hypocrisy."" "# I was walking down the road the other day" "# I went to a shop to buy myself a little piece of chocolate" "# When I got outside inside my car" "# I opened the chocolate and looked at that bar" "# It had melted away all over my hand" "# I said, "What's this about, man?"" "# I don't need no melted chocolate on the seats of my Ferrari" "# Got to go inside my glove compartment, gone inside my head #" "This season I'll be mostly wearing yoghurt!" "I think Quail's far enough advanced in his training now to take direction from quite a long distance." "He can see my hand as white against the green of the countryside." "Always make your directions deliberate and positive, and that way your dog will feel confident and secure when he's far away." "Quail..." "Quail..." "Get out!" "Quail." "Quail." "Get out!" "Quail!" "Quail!" "Get out!" "He's never done that before." "So, leave the girls here, go down the pub?" "Colin, you're so working class sometimes." "I am not working class!" "Jesus, if anybody's working class around here, it's you." "My family have been middle class for generations." "Listen, I'm more middle class than both of you." "My father was an accountant, and I had piano lessons." " Well, I had cello lessons." " Yeah?" "My family used to do recitals, with me on the viola, as a quintet!" " I went to a good public school." " I went to a comprehensive." " My God!" "You ARE working class!" " No, no." "My parents could easily afford public school, but they were liberals." "They chose to educate me at a comprehensive." "That makes me the most middle class." " Sorry..." "Sorry!" " Yes." "Yes." "Excuse me." "I am the most middle-class person here." "We had two holidays a year - one in Tuscany or Provence, the other skiing - we always had red wine and water with our meals, and we always ate salad out of a wooden bowl." " That is nothing." "We were vegetarians." " How many cars did you have?" " Ha!" "Two, of course." " Ha!" "My parents got rid of their cars and cycled everywhere in ill-fitting multicoloured vaguely ethnic clothing." "We were on "Ask The Family" with Robert Robinson...and we won." "Big deal." "I got two Blue Peter badges." "It was all we could watch, apart from nature documentaries." "And we weren't allowed to watch ITV at all." "We didn't even have a television." "I was bullied at school as a result." "School?" "My father taught me at home." "I did my A levels when I was 11." "My parents had an open marriage." "We went on holiday with my parents' lovers, and we had some jolly good games of Scrabble." "I used to go to art galleries out of choice, and we always went to the Last Night of the Proms." "Yeah?" "Well, I'm secretly gay." "I'll get my coat." "So, Darren asked Sandra to marry him last Thursday." "She said yes." "That weekend, she's gone out, got a load of drink, got a load of food, invited all their mates around..." "You know what it was, don't you?" "She was having an engagement party." "Simple as that." "I can't get out!" "The handle's got spit on it!" "Yes, you will have it by the end of the month." "You have Swiss Toni's cast-iron guarantee." "I know I said that last month." "Yes, I know." "Yes..." "Answering the phone, Paul, is a little like making love to a beautiful woman, in that you've got to..." "lift the receiver...put it to your ear... speak loudly and clearly...oh, yes, and don't forget to state your name." "Swiss?" "I hope you don't mind me asking, but I've always wondered, why are you called Swiss Toni?" "You're not actually Swiss, are you?" " Is it 'cause Swiss things are reliable?" " Well, it's partly that, Paul, but mostly because I'm built like an Alp and ridged like a Toblerone." "Blimey." "When a lady's been with Swiss Toni, she doesn't forget in a hurry." "There's a club in this town, Paul, called the Pussy Club." "I have a gold card." "I walk up to the door and, "Swiss Toni, come on in."" " I've even got a backstage pass." " Where is that?" "I've not seen it." "No, Paul." "I was using a metaphor." "I am a popular man." "I know what the ladies like - fine wine, Belgian chocolates, et cetera." "Consequently, they like me." "My phone book is positively engorged with the numbers of young ladies." "Is that why your wife left you?" "..and all my environmental proposals were accepted at the Earth Summit by the Americans and the developing nations, even though it was just an off-the-cuff remark about greenfly..." "..which was nice." "It says here that when Tiger Woods was three years old, he beat his father at crazy golf at Disney World." "He wouldn't have beaten me." " How was school?" " I came first in art." "They said it was the best picture all year." "Well done!" "I'm so proud of you." "Look, Simon." " I made an easel. - That's professional-looking." "Well, it's adequate given the form." "Tell me, Peter, how old are you now?" " 13." " Yes, I thought so." "It's a bit rickety." " Is that an apple or an orange?" " An apple." "Is it really?" "I suppose it bears a slight resemblance." "I want to show you something." "Toby, you can learn from this as well." "Here is a picture of the chateau at Saumur on the River Loire in France, which I painted whilst on holiday when I was 12." "You'll agree, it bears more than a slight resemblance." "The task was more difficult because I'd injured my hand rebuilding Hadrian's Wall with the Young Conservatives." "Here is a portrait of my mother done in charcoals." "Look at her expression - pensive, strong, intelligent." "She was a remarkable woman, my mother." "Now, here is a watercolour of Westminster..." " Shall we have a McDonald's?" " (BOTH) Great!" "The Palace of Westminster here..." "The easel's fallen over!" "Well, the electricians have been, so that's me life savings gone." "Still, it's worth it, I suppose, for t'peace of mind." "Two days, they've been in." "Ripped the whole house apart." "I've been staying with me brother Ken." "(GROANS) I'll go in now and make meself a nice cup of tea." "Bugger!" "Me, the 13th Duke of Wybourne, here, alone with my best friend's wife at three o'clock in the morning, with my reputation, while he's downstairs?" "I mean, what does he think I'm going to do, sing her a lullaby or something?" "Hello." "Tommy Cockles here." "Here's a piece of film recently unearthed from Lew Grade's back passage." "See if you can spot a young Arthur Atkinson in his first film, "112 Tadpole Gardens"." "Arthur was there to provide comic relief, which he didn't really do." "Between you and me, they tried to drop him, but Arthur kidnapped the producer's dog and threatened to drown it." "That was Arthur - a bully and a cheat." "Anyway, watch the film, and see Arthur flounder, trying to adapt his quick-fire style to the leaden pace of the early talkies." "Roll VT." "Alison?" "I don't...believe it." "You...with..." "Peter?" "But..." "I love him..." "Jonathan." " Oh..." " (KNOCK AT DOOR)" "Get that, could you please, Lanchester?" "Certainly, sir." "'Ere..." "I've a telegram for you." "A telegram?" "Yes." "Eh?" "Have you seen it?" "'Ere." "Where is my washboard?" "Where is my washboard?" "How queer!" "I'll be off, then." "Aren't holes brilliant?" "In fact..." "The climax of the film, the true moment of supernatural horror is when my character, Peter the Hungarian ventriloquist, looks into the mirror and realises he has changed places with his own dummy." ""I am the dummy!"" "For this transformation to occur, it requires a little acting magic and a full six hours in make-up." "(MUMBLES SQUEAKILY) I control you, Feter!" "You are my fuppet!" "There's someone sitting there, mate." "(ELECTRIC GUITAR PLAYS)" "Tired, I am." "You're in the old chess game, I see?" "That's the hardest game in the world, that is, the old chess game, yeah." "The old Grand Masterin', I done. 30 years, man and boy." "It is hard, innit?" "The old mental strain?" "Thinkin' all them moves ahead?" "I used to think games ahead." "Got to me in the end." "I became mentally ill." "That's not what done for me, though." "I sustained a terrible back injury in 1972 in Reykjavik when I tried to nut Spassky." "I carried on for some time with the madness and the back, but a friend took me to one side and said, "Archie, chess is a young man's game." ""Get out of it, son." Do you know who that was?" "Alexander Higgins." "I was over the canal on Wednesday afternoon." "I didn't expect a lot, but a picked up a three-and-a-half-pound tench." "That's a lot of fun on the pole, I can tell you." "Stan had to net it for me." "He's only had a gudgeon himself." "It's embarrassing." "Maybe he should change his tackle or something, eh?" "Did you see "Stars In Their Eyes" last Saturday?" "There was a very good Frank Sinatra impersonator on." "I don't normally like people impersonating Frank, but he showed a lot of respect." "Ah!" "The squares!" "(DIDGERIDOO)" "(AUSTRALIAN ACCENT) Hello." "Welcome to "That's Amazing" with me, Carl Hooper." "Today, we have the latest discovery from the world of science, as I introduce a real-life mad professor," "Dr Norton Presterhouse from the Institute of Genetics in Kentucky in the US of A." "G'day, Prof. What have you crazy boffins been dreaming up, mate?" "I wouldn't say I was nutty, but you gotta be a little bit crazy to do my work." " Yeah, what have you got to show us, mate?" " Well..." "I guess you're familiar with the film "Jurassic Park"." "Yeah, now what have you got to show us?" "Well, I think you'll know what this is - a prehistoric mosquito trapped in amber." "Mosquitoes like this fed off the blood of dinosaurs." " What have you got to show us?" " We ananalysed this...er..." " Ananaly..." " You mean "analysed"?" "That's the word." "See, I have trouble with that word, which is kinda ironic, because I'm constantly having to ananalyse...ananalyse..." " Analyse!" " That's right." "So we at the institute anana...ananalysed this mosquito and we realalised... ..that "Jurassic Park" might not simply be a fairy tale." "Now, through genetic coding, we've been able to create and breed creatures that haven't walked this earth for over 65 million years." " Like a real-life "Jurassic Park"?" " That's it." "And here it is." "That's a fish tank, mate." "Was a fish tank." "Now it's Jurassic Park." "Take a look inside there, Carl." " They're mosquitoes." " That's right." "65-million-year-old mosquitoes, Carl." "Get off my show." "Quick!" "Come on!" "Asparag..." "No!" "Forfeit!" "Forfeit!" " It was carrots." " Get it right this time." " I'm dying of thirst. - Right." "Ding-ding, round two." "Tomato what aubergine would potato you turnip like carrots to asparagus drink?" "Oh-ho-ho!" "Tomato pint...aubergine of potato best turnip please!" "(ALL LAUGH)" "Ted." "Ted, there's something I need to speak to you about." " I nominate Mr Mayhew." " I'm sorry?" " No, no!" " Forfeit." "You have to say tomato." " I beg your pardon?" " You put a vegetable in front of each word in the right order." "This is how it goes." "Tomatoes, aubergine, potato, turnip, carrot, asparagus, then you add one of your own, and then it's back to tomatoes again." " I'm sorry." "I really have no idea..." " No, no!" " Forfeit!" "Forfeit!" " Tomato you aubergine have potato to turnip say carrot the asparagus right broccoli vegetables." "Tomato or aubergine it's potato a turnip forfeit." "It's a drinking game, sir." " Ted, I really do need..." " No!" "You've done it again!" "I'm very sorry, under normal circumstances," "I would like nothing more than to join you, but not tonight." "Go on, sir." "It'll be a bit of fun." " Ted, really..." " Tomato here's aubergine your potato drinks." " It's all right, we've got a new nominee." " Wa-hey!" " It's a private matter..." " Wrong!" "Tomato it's aubergine a potato private turnip matter." "You've got the hang of it now." "Don't be embarrassed, sir." "It's just a little bit of fun." "Tomato Ted aubergine your potato wife's turnip dead." "Sorry..." "I mean, tomato sorry." "I daren't touch owt." "I'll use me old kettle on t'stove." "You can't go wrong wi' gas." "(EXPLOSION)" "Bugger." "Brilliant!"