"I am actually kind of into you..." "Previously on House of Lies..." "So yeah, I would go out with you." "You can get me a TED Talk?" "Yeah, the executive curator, she's my friend." "Well, they've asked me to give a TED Talk, so..." "Are you giving a TED Talk, or like a special TED Talk?" "Could you imagine stepping off the hamster wheel?" "Are we jumping in?" "Getting K and A all sexy for Skip Galweather and the Kohl brothers." "From this point on, it is big game fishing only!" "Now, kiddies, you remember back in the day you all had a guy in your dorm who sold you those sketch dime bags of weed from his shitty hydroponic plants he grew in his bathtub?" "100%." "His name was Jonah." "I think it may have been the closest" "I've ever been to blowing a dude." "Mmm, his name was Octavio." " Octavio." " I definitely blew him." "Spencer." "And I reported him." "He was a menace." "Well, I want you to erase all memories you have of rolling papers and Pink Floyd posters on the wall, 'cause these Washington State weed slingers, they're like Ganja Walmart." "I got to say, even Wall Street's taking notice." "Yeah, you're goddamn right, and they should." "It's one of the fastest growing industries in the nation." "$3 billion dollars in revenue alone last year." "And that's a "B," y'all!" "Sweet Jesus!" "That buys a lot of Burning Man swag." "Cha-ching!" "Whoa." "Seriously?" "This is a lot less patchouli and a whole lot more full automatic weapons than Jonah carried." "I'll need to see all your IDs." " Yes, sir, here we go." " Okay." "Hi." "There you go." "Pleasant." "Well, I for one will not be partaking while we're here." "Well, don't you want to know why?" "I'm keeping my temple pristine!" "For two days from now!" "Come on, the TED Talk!" "I marked it in your calendars weeks ago!" "Yeah, that reminds me." " Uh, Jeannie?" " Hmm?" "While we're here, do your best to keep your little temple pristine, okay?" " Yes." " Not this again." "I am fine high!" "You are deeply, deeply not fine." "You're kidding." "I'd rather get high with Anne Hathaway." "Very cute." "Everybody gets a little chatty when they're high!" "That's like saying Octomom got a little pregnant." "Oh...!" " Big Daddy, can I get it?" " Alley-oop!" "Jeannie, please, do other things, okay?" "Like drink or mainline heroin." "Literally anything else." "Step out of the car, sir." "Oh, okay." "No way." "I got you, Marty." "I'm gonna get footage in case he shoots you in the back." " Put the fucking phone away." " Uh-uh." "Sign here." "Black lives matter." "Sorry." "Sorry for all the military tactics." "Come on, who doesn't love machine guns?" "It's just that we handle everything in cash." "Ooh, not to mention all of this weed just innocently sitting here." "These backwards fucking banks won't take us on as clients, because according to federal law, this whole, beautiful, uh, spiritual, sensual operation" " is criminal!" " Crazy." "You know, the people, they want salvation." "It's the law that can't catch up." " We can't have checkbooks." " No." "We can't even have back accounts." "No, we are the 99%." "We are the checkbook-less." "We are unprotected." "We're naked." "Well, you're wearing $400 sneakers," " so you're doing okay." " Hey, Doug?" "Well, l-listen." "The man put the people down in Ohio." "That's not gonna happen with us, 'cause we got the power of the plant on our side." "Mm-hmm, yeah." "Last year, we sold our crops by the ton, literally." "And edibles on top of that." "The world is changing." "Humanity is changing." "And like any people's revolution, it takes time to change people's minds." " Mm-hmm." " Their hearts." "Their lives." "Their reality." "Come see my babies." "Come here!" "Come here!" "Yeah." "Hello, bags of money." "So you guys will be good getting all your fees in cash?" ""Cash"?" "Cha-ching." "Yeah, you smell that?" "Yeah, no, excuse me, I'm not interested." "Yeah, move." " Oh, it's like heaven." " Smell?" " No, no." " You're not to smell." "That, sir, smells like money, money, money." "Actually, that is the smell of civil rights." "Of a movement." "Of all the soldiers who lost their lives" " in the War on Drugs." " And also" " it has made us millions." " Right." "In the words of Fidel, "Capitalism is repugnant."" "It causes hypocrisy and war and..." "I'm sorry." "Is he quoting Castro?" "Didn't I see, like, a gazillion American dollars roll by?" "You guys have all heard the term "high as a kite," right?" " I heard that one time." " Yeah." " Yeah, yeah." " What's more beautiful than a kite flying in the sky?" " Maybe two kites?" " Jeannie naked?" "Different Jeannie." "You don't know her." "Nothing... nothing is more fucking beautiful!" "Starshine." "Oh, honey." " I think we should keep moving." " Okay, yeah." "Come on, we'll show you how revolution happens." "Starshine." "Here we have a sampling of all of our products that we supply to vendors around the state." "Soon to be around the country with a little cooperation from Congress." " Mm-hmm." " This is fucking amazing!" "I'm glad you can appreciate it." "We package all our buds by flavor." "We have White Rhino, Agent Orange, Island Sweet Skunk." " There's even a Kosher Kush." " Mazel!" "And our gourmet edibles, all with a real taste profile." "I oversee the testing and focus group research on every one." " Oh." " Now, those are our Mindbomb Truffles." "Our most potent." "Feel like I'm in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory." "Whoa there," "Veruca Salt, these are off-limits for you." "Clyde, I'm a big girl." "I can handle it." "Really?" "How many friends have you made when you were high?" "For the night?" "Tons." "Want a little taste?" "No, don't..." "stop that." "Cut it out." "It's not funny." "All right, I have one shot with this talk." "If I get it right, it will be downloaded and shared on Facebook ad infinitum." "What is that..." "Latin for "throw up"?" "I could be legendary..." "think about it." "I could be like that data guy who swallowed a sword for no reason or the most popular TED Talk of all... how orgasms work." "Popular entirely because it gave a scientific basis for jerking off." "Yeah, like you needed a reason." "Well, in the beginning, we were trying to help cancer patients." "We were trying-trying to help people suffering from epilepsy." "But now we are changing the fucking world." "No, we are... mavericks." "Yeah." "But these people did not come here for a history lesson." "Let's talk pls, shall we?" "Cha-ching." " Well, I feel enlightened already." " Same." "We're gonna spend the rest of the day tightening up the valuations, the modeling and then we would love to come back to you, uh, over dinner and, uh, let you know what we've come up with." "Dinner would be nice." "And by "tightening up valuations,"" "you mean we get to try all the marijuanas, Marty?" "Okay, look, I don't want to be a buzzkill here." " Too late." " You already are, Doug." "But here's my concern..." "if we partake in these samples, we could be delayed for days!" "And I've got to get back for, well, you know." "We get it, we get it, we get it." "But we can't take it on the plane." "And it'd be wasteful not to try it," " or rude really." " Ah, shit." "Should've called in sick." "Marty, I feel sick." "So, kiddies, were you picking up on what Kush Lady in there was putting down?" "Yeah, Kush Lady wants to get rich." "Correct, and Ron Zobel has been working himself to get deep into the pocket of MRJ." " MRJ the tobacco giant?" " And lobby." "They've been looking for a big play from us, and this could be the mother lode." "Clyde, call Ron Zobel." "Tell him that we're gonna land MRJ at the same time we're gonna work Kush." "Tell him that we've got the biggest growers in the business, and they're ready to sit down and deal." "Are you fucking nuts?" "He asked respectfully." "And he... picks up his phone." " Ron Zobel, please." " You know, Marty, he's not wrong." "I mean, the clash between Big Tobacco and weed, it's pretty insurmountable." "Not to mention, these people seem very committed to the movement..." "I mean, "Capitalism is repugnant"?" "Yeah, I got to say that one hurt a little." "Kiddies, kiddies, kiddies, have you not noticed that in any partnership, there's always one person who's more swayed by greed than the other?" "With the right argument, I believe we can get Joy to come down off of her husband's pot altar and get on board with the biggest play possible." "And the biggest play possible is obviously Big Tobacco." "So she's been going along, but she's itching for more." "Yes!" "Clyde?" " Bring it in." " In two days?" "Children, we have been moving the ball down the field prepared to settle for a bullshit VC expansion field goal when we got Gronk in the corner on a fade route for six." "What?" "It's touchdown time, come on!" " Let's get it!" " Let's get it!" " Let's go!" " Let's go!" " Let's rock it!" " Let's rock it!" " Let's roll!" " Let's roll!" " Let's get it!" " Let's get it!" " Let's go!" " Let's go!" " Let's rock it!" " Let's rock!" " Let's go, put it in!" " Let's roll!" "K and A!" "And football, right?" "Ooh, this looks great." "Word to the wise?" "The butter is infused." "Word to the wise." "The butter is delicious." "I typically don't eat dinner, so nothing personal." "But don't worry, I smoked plenty of, uh, the pot, uh, before, so..." "Oh, yeah, love me some of that, uh, the sweet Mary Jane." "And so I'm very high." "High as a..." " They get it." "Hey, Jeannie?" " Hmm?" "You do understand that the edibles are more potent than the smoke, correct?" "Hmm!" "Ugh, it's like a fucking horror movie." "Food and pot together in the rabid claws of Jeannie van der Hooven." "We've seen every kind of high there is, and we embrace it." "It's true." "It is our privilege and our honor to experience your bliss." "And she was inside me and then she was inside, and then she just came out." "You know, we get it, we get it, we-we do." "Is-is she always..." "like this?" "Oh, this is level one." " This has just started." " It gets worse." "This is nice." "Can we just get real for a second, you know what I mean?" "Like, fuck the "consultantspeak."" " You know?" " We get you, Marty." "We do." "And we get that you get us." "You're a fuckin' maverick." "Well, I do... and I am." "You guys, you guys!" "You guys." "I can feel you being free right now." "Wait, wait." "What if everyone in the world blinked at the exact same time?" "Now." "Now." "Now." "You know, it's interesting." "What you do here actually reminds me of the third commandment of TED Talk:" "thou shalt reveal thy curiosity and thy passion." "Mm-hmm." "These are broke." "These are broken." "So I feel you, bro." "Hey, can you get this guy to shut the fuck up?" "Who you talking about?" "I don't think so." "Look, here's the thing:" "the banks won't touch you." "Who gives a fuck?" "Fuck those guys, okay?" "I can find you money." "There's a lot of investors that will back small businesses like yours." "Sure, your competitors, they're gonna probably align themselves with much bigger, you know, consortiums, multinationals, that-that kind of thing." "And you..." "God, we hope you don't get buried, but the important thing is that your integrity remains, right?" "Your-your mission remains intact." "The mission succeeds, freedom succeeds." "Goddamn right." "Anyone for coffee?" "Yeah." "Uh, I'll..." "I'll help out." "I could use some fresh air." "Yeah?" "Okay." " No, no, no, no." " No." "Don't leave me with her." "Take care of her." "Do you want some coffee?" "You know why I'm in here, Joy." "Okay." "What's the better play?" "Hey, listen, okay?" "Don't fly off the handle." "Big Tobacco." "Tobacco?" "I see what you need." "Earplugs?" "You and Clyde." "That's the love story." "No, I don't think so." "I see... inner children." "And they want the same thing." "They both just want to... fill the holes, you know, where the love goes." "You could fill each other's holes." "I mean, I'm not saying" "I've never thought about it, but no." "Does anyone have a guitar?" "Big Tobacco is a fucking monster, okay?" "They're the biggest fucking monster of them all." " Yeah." " But they have all the money that you could ever want, to do anything that you want with." "Fuck handing out post-chemo joints and lollipops;" "you guys could fucking cure cancer." "But we're growing, we're steady." "Oh, my God!" "My eyes feel like I just got them today." "Oh, my God, could you please..." "Doug, grab her." "Oh, Marty, I need a break!" "Just grab her." "Listen, I know that you guys are growing, okay?" "But I'm talking about $100 million dollars, minimum, here." "And you can be hands-on with the expansion as all the state and federal bullshit gets worked out and you'll have the biggest voice behind you to push through Congress, okay?" "Big Tobacco has the infrastructure, you guys have the street cred and the culture." "You'd be the Starbucks of pot." "That's the play, Joy." "And it's the play that Max should want, too." "They want you to think it's about the money and the power and the suits and the cars..." " Fuck that." " That's the opiate." "It's like having a Black Card makes up for having a black soul." "I have a fucking Black Card and honestly I don't think I'm happy." "Happiness... the path to salvation... can only come from Earth feeding you." "Fuck, yes!" "Take me through it from the beginning." "I want to hear the whole fucking thing... chapter one, go." "God..." "It just-just feels like we're giving in to everything we've fought against." "I know, but don't do that, okay?" "You're letting your feelings tell you a story." "You can't let feelings make business decisions." "Okay?" "This isn't... this isn't greed." "It's smart." "Yeah." "History's greatest thinkers got high." " Shakespeare..." " What?" "Joan of Arc, George Washington... and he invented peanut butter." "Wow!" "Although I don't think so." "I think that's George Washington Carver." "Well, he wrote the Constitution, so..." " Same thing." " Look, the point is, all the greatest innovations come from the plant." "You've got hemp clothes, uh, hemp birdseed, um, Bible pages that were written... on..." " Paper." "Hemp." " Hemp probably." "Hemp." "You were talking about hemp, yeah." " Hemp probably." "Yeah." " Uh, but, you know, it's a matter of time, it is, till we got cars, uh... airplanes..." "Hey." "Riddle me this." "How does hemp hold up against," " say, straw?" " What's he doing?" "Did Joan of Arc wear hemp?" "Because that would be insane if it were a helmet." "Oh, I've always wanted to know that." "No, I get it." "You guys, you bring me out here, you get me to talk about the mother plant while this fuck" " works my fucking wife in there?" " Oh, shit." "No, I want to talk about your conspiracy theories." "Just hang in there." "Set both of your feet." " All right?" "You're right." " Hey." "Hey, he is filling your head with toxic shit." "Marty, this is..." "Sweetie, I know what you're gonna say, but tobacco's play is unavoidable, okay?" "No, no, no, no, no, no, no." "We don't eat dogs." "He asked me to." "You can't just eat everything that asks you to." "Are you selling us out?" "This is our legacy, baby, this is our fucking life." "Are you prepared to lose our life?" "'Cause that's what's going to happen." "Look at history." "Anheuser-Busch came in and made an empire after Prohibition." "They totally erased the mom-and-pop businesses like us." "I don't even recognize you right now." "Where are you?" "It's still us, okay?" "We're still mavericks." " Yeah?" " I just think we should open our minds to it, you know?" "We can use the system to beat the system, okay?" "All right, you know what?" "Fine." "I'll take a meeting." "Doesn't mean I'm saying yes." "And could you please put my fucking dog down?" "Oh, hey, you would know." "Is this a load-bearing wall, here?" "You, uh, picturing a Marty-less world, Ron?" "Imagination is actualization, Marty." "Yech." "Feel like I'm trapped in a rental car with Mr. TED Talk spouting his, uh, you know, sound bite bullshit." "Don't touch my things." "T-minus two hours and counting." "I feel okay." "Had a bit too much coffee." "But, uh, so, listen." "Uh, good news." "I've got them to tape off three seats for you guys, but they're expecting an at-capacity crowd, so I'd get there at least 30 minutes early." "Which part of this is" " the good news?" " Well, I got to save you..." "Oh." "Okay." "Well, 20 minutes early, all right?" "But then I can't guarantee anything after..." "On time." "Get there on time, you know how to manage your schedule." "Wish me luck." "So MRJ is confirmed for tomorrow morning." "Took some serious arm-twisting, since they wanted a few months to run numbers first." "Well, that's great, Ron." "Okay?" "'Cause this is all gonna be about timing." "Kush Vistas has too much time to stroll down memory lane," " we're gonna miss this window." " Mmm." "Big Weed makin' a baby with Big Tabaccy." "How much is Skip Galweather gonna love this little cutie pie, eh?" "Well, it's gonna be a big, old, fat baby, isn't it?" "Hey, Ron?" "Your guys are gonna come with their checkbooks open, right?" "Don't worry about it." "No, no." "These guys are gonna follow my lead." "See, back in the day," "I saved Syd Black's ass during the whole" ""we believe nicotine is not addictive" phase." "Ugh, God..." "You are a bad man, Ron Zobel." "Well, game recognize game, baby." "Excuse me." "Sorry." "Excuse me." "Excuse me." "I feel like I'm about to watch a tiny Christian get eaten by a lion." "Ooh..." "I'm feeling funny in my naughty place." "Hey, guys, turn your phones off." "This is gonna be the greatest TED Talk ever." "Big Bird's big beak... ah." "♪ Mi mi mo mo moo ♪" "♪ Mi mi mo mo moo... ♪" "Tess." "Oh, my God." " Hey." " Hey, you okay?" "Yeah." "Oh, God." "No, I'm..." "Because you don't look so great." "You look freaked out." "Come on, no." "And your voice is really, really high." "Oh, God, maybe I'm a little freaked out." " Okay." "Okay." " I don't know." "Who am I kidding?" "I'm a lot freaked out." "It's all finally happening." "I can't believe it, I've been thinking about this moment for so long and here it is." " Doug..." " Hmm?" "Deep breath." "You'll be amazing." "You are a dungeon master." "You are a genius." "I know that." "But what if I'm a misunderstood genius, like Carrot Top?" " You fucking got this." " Yeah?" "And I made a reservation at Mr. Chow after, to celebrate." " Okay." " Excuse me, sir." " Yeah." " Okay." " Ready when you are." " Right." "Okay." " Okay, here you go." " Here I go." "Oh, boy." "Show of hands." "How-how many people here think about orcs?" "Might be having a technical difficulty with the mic." "Are we on?" "How many people here think about orcs?" ""Orcs."" "Uh, okay, how about this?" "Uh, you're shy, you're nervous." "Don't be." "I'll cover my eyes." "Now I can't see you." "So you can all do it." "I'm sure most of you have your hands raised." "So you can drop your h..." "Okay, so not that many." "Okay." "Today, I'm going to share with you how to embrace your authentic self by defeating the level-nine orc of doubt that lives inside each and every one of us." "Correction:" ""level-nine orcs."" "Orcs...!" "Dougy Doug, my man!" "Ah." "Are you fucking kidding me right now?" "So let's dig into Doug..." "Who here has ever been defeated by an inner orc?" "What's that, destiny?" "I'll meet you there." "Aah." "Someone..." "This is not the floor we worked on." "The die itself gives birth to you." "That's what he was building in the office." "Get out of here." "...how hard I was trying..." "Please, dear God, lubricate the bear." "Namaste." "Yeah..." "Fuck!" "Oh!" "Aah!" "I'm never gonna be able to unsee this." "Yeah, do it to the beat, do it to the beat, Doug." "That's it!" "Shit!" "That..." "No!" "So, in closing, if I can leave you with just one thought, let it be this." "In the quest to find your authentic self, it is better to merge powers with an orc than to fight it." "Oh, wasn't that fucking great?" "Oh, that connected with you?" " Hey." " OMG." "Amazing, right?" "I mean, yes, definitely." " Aah." " Come here." "God." "Uh, well, look at this." "Looks like I'm gonna have to press flesh with the fans." "Okay, um... but we should get going, though, if we want to make our reservation at Mr. Chow." "Ah, yeah, Mr. Chow." "I just think I need to spend a little more time here and, um, how about this: you go ahead, hold the table, and I will meet you as soon as I can break away." "If I can break away." "If?" "Oh, that's Lily Wu." "Producer of the talk." "I think she's looking for me." "Lily!" "Hey, oh, where are you running to?" "Hey, no, come back here." "Yes, he's right in front of me." "I'm gonna tell him right now." " Yes, Ron, tonight, yes." " Wow." "Okay." "Marty, that was Ron Zobel." "Yeah." "The meeting has to move up, okay?" "The MRJ execs are leaving on a red-eye tonight to go to Hong Kong, so if you want this meeting to happen, it has to happen now, okay?" "Or they have a window in eight months." "So you get it?" "What do you think?" "Marty." "Marty?" "We're an American tradition." "Oh, so killing your customers is traditional." "Un-fucking-believable." "Marty." "Do you have a thought on this?" "Must be nice living in a goddamn unicorn-and-fairies wet dream." "Oh, my God, this guy." "Is this guy for real?" "Yeah, well, at least we don't sell murder." "I mean, your hair is like silk." "'Cause if we make the product..." " I smoke to get high." " Marty." " We're done with this." " Marty." "We're moving on to a multibillion-dollar deal that makes your herbal tonics look like rat shit." " Okay." " Okay, you know what, fuck these death-squad fascists." "We're out of here, all right?" "Hey, hey, hey." "Hey, hey, hold it, hold up, wait a minute, wait a minute." "I'm sorry, let me get this straight, because I don't think" "I'm quite believe I'm hearing what I think it is I'm hearing, which is that you guys don't think that you need each other." "That's beautiful." "Blockbuster?" "Who knows Blockbuster?" "Yeah, I remember it." "Okay, well, you remember when Blockbuster was hanging on by a thread?" "Because it refused to adapt to the new reality?" "Guys, in every state, state after state, day after day, legal weed is spreading through the states." "Spreading, spread-spread-spread-spread." "And in those states, even on the sidewalks in those states, they are banning cigarettes." "And those... those, um... those, um... young cherubic kids that you guys try and brainwash with your sexy ads and your fucking... your health denials, they are hip to your shit, baby." "Hip to your shit." "That market share is going bye-bye, okay?" "But, no, that's cool." "You just hang in there with your Blockbuster card and get in line and rent your VHS tapes." ""Uh, excuse me, uh, might you have, uh, the behind-the-scenes edition of Blade Runner?"" "Fucking idiots." "No, no, no, you-you... uh, I meant you also are fucking idiots, okay?" "With your psychedelic fantasy." "You think that you can survive without these guys?" "You're back there, holed up in your maximum security utopia, huddled behind your stacks of cash, 'cause you can't open a fucking bank account?" "Motherfucker, my teenager got a bank account." "Okay." "You need these guys." "They can give you a seat at the grown-up table." "With the bankers and the lobbyists." "Do you get it?" "Big Tobacco is coming to the party with their big dicks out, and they're gonna fuck all the hot chicks." "Now, you want to change the world?" "You better play along." "You better try and change that shit from the inside out." "Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys." "It's not about David versus Goliath." "No, David with Goliath." "David holding hands with Goliath." "David giving Goliath a-a reach-around." "Oh, come on, am I spitting wisdom right now?" "Yes." "Do you guys need each other right now?" "Yes." "Am I high as fuck right now?" "Yes." "But am I making 100% complete total sense right now?" "Yes, yes, yes, I am." "At the end of the day, let's face it, it is better to merge powers with an orc than to fight it." "Ah-boom." "Wait a minute." "Ah-ba-boom." "Okay, let's deal." "You gonna open up your wallets and make it rain?" "Fair enough." "Say word." "Did we really just do that?" "Mm-hmm." "Don't get me wrong, I'm flattered." "I just wish Marty would have run it by me before he used the whole orc thing." "But I get it, he was caught up in the moment and carried away." "Aw, you realize he was fucked up out of his mind when he said it, right?" "You'll get it eventually, Clyde." "Hang in there." "Not bad for someone who ate enough pot to tranquilize an elephant." "What the fuck just happened?" "What the fuck just happened is you just scored a touchdown with two seconds left on the clock." "Shit, I did?" "Mm-hmm." "Ah." "That's cool." "Oh, Marty." "I ate all the marijuanas." "You sure did."