"Sorry about that." "What do I owe you?" "22.42." "For one pizza?" "!" "By God." "Better be goddamn delicious." "One second." "Come on, wallet." "I'm sorry, you could come in and shut the door." "It's freezing out there." "I'm sorry." "Stupid wallet." "What's your name?" " Jarod." " Jarod." "I am such a nincompoop." "So, you probably got, like, a hundred pizzas in the car that need delivering, right?" "No, it's fine." "Just, you know, need to get back when I can." "Right." "Come on, wallet." "No!" "Wallet, wallet, wallet, wallet, wallet, wallet, wallet, wallet, wallet!" "Ah, two seconds." "Make yourself at home." "Got it!" "All right." "22-something... son of a..." "Perfect time to run out of cash, right?" "Look at me wasting your time." "The prime of your youth." "Sending you on a wild goose chase for dollars that don't exist." " It's fine." " Honey." " Is everything okay?" " Yeah." "Do you have any cash?" " You know I don't carry cash." " I know you don't carry cash." "Why would you carry cash when you just take it from my wallet whenever you need it?" "All right, Jarod, here's the deal." "There's a cash machine down the street." "I will be back in four minutes, five tops." "It's all right, you can trust me." "I'll even leave my wife as collateral, all right?" "You know, you can just call a credit card in." "No, no, no, that's silly 'cause then they tax your tip 'cause you have to declare it." "Believe me, I know..." "I know the drill." " I'll be right back." " It's really not that... honestly, the card..." "Can I get your help with something?" "Sure." "In here." "Do you like this dress?" "Yes." "That rhymes." " What... what rhymes?" " Yes, dress." "Oh, yeah..." "Yeah, it does, huh?" "Did you prefer the other one?" " What?" " Did you like the other dress I was wearing before better than this one?" "Which... which dress?" "You know, this one." "I..." "I don't know." "You don't know?" "Because you've never seen it on me before?" "Or because you were looking at my breasts when I took it off and you didn't focus on the dress?" "That rhymes, too." " Breasts, dress." " Yes." "Well, which is it?" "What?" "Okay, that's all I needed." "You can go now." "If you want." "I'm gonna try on a third dress, but this time, no peeking." "Okay." " I said no peeking." " I'm not!" "Ho dare you look at me." "Look away!" " I am!" " Jarod!" "That's better." "So long as you're not looking, it's okay." "Do you want some of that pizza?" "No, thanks." "We're not gonna eat it, so." "If you're... if you're not gonna eat it, why did you order it?" "That's a good question." "It's not that I don't like pizza." "I love it." "It's just... when all you ever have is pizza... you get tired of it." "Makes you want something new." "Something different." "And your... your husband, how does he feel about pizza?" "I don't think Scott's been hungry in a long, long time." "In fact..." "I don't think Scott would notice if a nice piece of pizza came right up and bit him." "Must be weird delivering pizza to all these strange people." "Sometimes." "Have you ever had any strange encounters?" "Not really." "Well, I have a hard time believing that." "A guy like you..." "Have you ever served pizza to, say, a woman like me before?" "I..." "I mean, I've served pizza before." "You have?" "Yeah." "Yeah, of course, yeah." "How many times?" "Sure..." "A bunch." "A bunch of times." "Interesting." "Experienced." "Yeah, a bunch of times." "You haven't answered my question." "What question?" "Have you ever served pizza to a woman like me before?" "No, ma'am." "So, here we are." "So hungry." "Are you gonna bring me that pizza or what?" "I want that pizza, Jarod." "I ordered that pizza, and now I'm ordering you to bring me that pizza." "Damn, it is cold out there." "Colder than a witch's titty." "Man!" "But I got it." "22-something and a huge tip for Jarod!" "Could you have taken any longer, Scott?" "What?" "Wait, Jennifer, where are you... where are you..." "Jen, come back." "Don't!" "What did I say?" "Jeez, I went to the ATM." "What...?" "I mean..." "Women, huh?" "You can't live with 'em..." "Pass the Beer Nuts." "You got a girlfriend, Jarod?" "No, thanks." "I..." "I really gotta get back to work." "Yeah." "You two sure know how to make a guy feel good about himself." "It's like I come in, two seconds, you're both running out quicker than two shakes of a lamb's tail." "I'm..." "I'm sorry." "It's not personal." "I just really gotta get back to work." "I'm kidding." "It's fine." "It's fine." "I do kind of need the money for the pizza." "Yes, money." "22-something, plus a tip, which should be sizable considering we've been wasting your time lollygagging." "No, it's no problem." "Don't sweat it." "Ah, a text from Jennifer." "Probably apologizing as we speak." "Great." "How big of a tip were you expecting, Jarod?" "Excuse me?" "Just curious what you think I should tip you." "Just whatever you think is appropriate is fine." "Well, I guess I don't..." "I don't know what's customary..." " 10%, 20%?" " Sure, yeah, either one." "That'd... that'd be great." "Thank you." "I guess it would help if I understood what services you performed so that I can get the amount right." "I delivered the pizza." "What kind of pizza?" " The meat lovers." " Right, meat lovers." "Right." "Did you provide any services for my wife while I was gone?" " Not really." " Really?" "Nothing?" "No." "'Cause it would seem to me that the pizza, which was on the table when I left, is now... on the bed instead." "I guess..." " that is..." " Hey, that rhymes." "Instead, bed." "Did you deliver the meat lovers to my wife on that bed?" "Sort of." "Sort of?" "Jarod, I am no expert in what you do, but it would seem to me either you did or did not serve my wife the meat lover on that bed." "Gosh, I have gotta get back to work." " I got so many others to deliver." " That would not be fair." "I wanna pay you for your services," "I just need to know what they were so that I can give you the proper tip." " Can I just go home?" " Not until I tip you." "All right." "Let me put it this way... how many times did you fuck my wife?" "Oh, my gosh, sir." "I..." "I did not." " I would never." " What... what are you saying, my wife is ugly?" " No, no." " So, you're saying she's hot?" "No, I didn't say that." "I didn't say that." "So, you just fuck anything, then, right?" "Is that your deal?" "You just go around delivering meat lovers pizzas willy-nilly wherever you go?" "No, no, no, I did not say that." " Didn't do it a second time?" " I didn't do a first time." " Why not?" "She didn't ask you?" " No." "So, she asked you to fuck her?" "Just give me the number, Jarod!" " Jarod!" " I didn't touch her!" "Oh, my God!" "Oh, my God!" "Help!" "Help!" "Help!" "Help!" "Help!" "Help!" "Oh, my God." "Oh, fuck." "No, no, no!" "Relax, Jarod." "Relax." "I'm not gonna hurt you." "In fact, I like you." "I mean, that's the whole "you know" of it all is I liked you from the second I opened that door." "So..." "I'm gonna make it easy on you." "Either you tell me the number of times you fucked my wife, or..." "I'm gonna beat the living shit out of you." "Oh, my God." " Need that number, Jarod." " Oh, my God." "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God." "Why are you... please stop." "Just give me that number." "I will give you your 22-something, plus your fair tip." "There's no number, there's no number." "Help!" "Help, help!" " I will untie you..." " Help!" " ...and you can go back to work." " Help!" "Help!" "Help!" "Oh, my God." " Partner." " No, no!" " I didn't, I didn't, I didn't!" " I need that number, Jarod." "There's no number!" "I swear, I didn't touch her!" "I didn't touch her." "I didn't touch her." "I didn't touch her!" "None!" "I didn't do it!" "I didn't touch her!" "I didn't touch her." "I didn't touch her." "I'm not gonna get mad, okay?" "I'm not." "I'm not gonna get mad." "How many times?" "What are you doing?" " Ah, there she is." " Help!" " Why is he tied up?" " He told me everything." " What are you talking about?" " Don't you play dumb with me, woman." "I know about the sucking and the fucking and the long distance trucking." "The whole shebang, Mama Joe!" "Help!" "Help!" "Untie me." "He's gone crazy!" " Oh, I'm crazy?" " Yeah!" "I leave the room for seven fucking minutes" " and this is what happens..." " Scott." " ...and I'm the crazy one." " This is insane." "Let him go." "You gotta call the police!" "Help!" "All right." " I will let him go." " Thank you." "But first," " I will take down his pants..." " No!" " No!" "Help!" " ...assuming his meat lover" " doesn't smell like your meat lover..." " Help!" " ..." "I will let him go." " Stop it!" "Enough!" " Thank you." " You told him about us?" "What?" "How could you?" "I didn't..." "I didn't say anything." "That was special." "That was just for us." "I didn't..." "I didn't say a word." "I didn't tell him anything." " He's right, he didn't." " There's nothing to tell!" " I figured it out." " Oh, my God." " I knew it." " What do you expect, Scott?" "I expected you to honor our marriage vows and not fuck the first pizza boy who came through the door!" " You drove me to him!" " What?" "!" " But nothing happened!" " I go to Pilates, I do yoga!" " What?" " I even went to that goddamn facialist you recommended." " Again with the facialist!" " And you give me nothing!" "You look at me like a used veneer pine IKEA desk from craigslist!" "Okay, Scott, Scott, nothing happened, I swear." " You goddamn slut." " You selfish son of a bitch." "My mother told me I was marrying a whore!" " You treat me like dirt!" " Showing your titties all over town!" "Now I'm gonna make you pay for it!" "Okay, everybody just needs to calm down." "Guys." "Guys!" "Help!" "Somebody help!" "There's one of those slutty titties." "See that, Jarod?" "Huh?" " Wanna see the other one?" " No." "No." "No!" "Oh, my God." " Oh, God." " There they are." "Look at 'em." " Remember these, huh?" " No!" "Remember when you fondled these titties and broke my fragile heart?" "I never fondled any titties." "Help!" "It's 'cause you wanted Scott all along, isn't it, Jarod?" " Help!" "Wait." " That's right." "You used me to get to Scott, didn't you?" " No!" " Yeah!" " Yeah, that's right." " He used you to get to me." "That's what happened." " Yeah." " Help!" "Help!" "No!" "Over here, Jarod." " It's what you wanted." " Look over here." " Here's your tip, meat lover." " No, thanks." " Look at me." " Look at us, Jarod." " Look at Daddy." " Help!" "Somebody help!" " Look at Mommy!" "Oh, my God!" " Please help!" " Oh, God!" " Oh, God." "Oh, God!" "Oh, God, oh, God!" "Oh, God!" "Oh, God!" "That was not half bad for your first time." " Bill." " Sir?" "You did a good job of making me feel uneasy." "Where you lost me was in the characterization." "I mean, you started off as this somewhat cosmopolitan weirdo and then digressed into this..." "I mean, you tell me, buddy... a Southern dad?" "It was all over the place." "Yeah, I had trouble finding the character." "Make bold choices and stick with them." " Yes, sir." " Now, Lisa." "Lisa, Lisa, Lisa." "We do have to talk about those breasts." "Sweetheart, I've been to the Louvre, and those things are the fucking Mona Lisa." "Thank you." "But I gotta say" "I think your choice to show them to me so soon after I came in the room, that was a mistake." "'Cause here's what you gotta understand... most of our clients..." "I mean, hell, all our clients... are major voyeurs." "Okay?" "So, I mean, you're gonna wanna hold that off for as long as you can." " That's your trump card." " Yes, sir." "Understood." "Almost forgot." " What's this?" " I..." "I thought this was just an audition." "Well, you worked hard." "You earned it." " All righty." " Great." "Get yourselves and this place cleaned up." "Your first client will be here..." "holy shit... any minute now." "We'll run the pizza boy sketch again." "Take my notes, implement them." "You're gonna do great." "Just a second!" "Be right there." "Sorry about that." "What do I owe you?"