"I run... a successful underground escort service." "I recruit from a rec room on the third floor of my dorm where I pimp the kids from my boarding school." "In fact, I have two of my boys right here." "And they are just one table away from one of my tricks." "Now I know you've probably got about 20 questions right on the tip of your tongue." "Well, if you must know, then let us begin." "Sam!" "Over here." "Sam, you have been kicked out of a couple of very prominent boarding schools in this country." " Okay, yes, but about that..." " Stop." "I read your transcripts." "You've got a 3.87 three years and running." "You've got some kick-ass writing samples to boot." "You also clearly have a problem with authority." "And it just makes my mind wonder," ""What exactly am I in for here, Sam?"" "Okay, noted." "But here is the thing:" "I wasn't exactly kicked out of all my schools per se." "I am somebody that you would consider a victim of, um..." " Circumstances?" " Circumstances, yes." "And you know what?" "Most people don't believe it, but..." "I've journaled about it, man." "You can read it if you want." "Just give me the Cliff Notes." "Summarize, Sam." " Mom." " Sam?" "That's tough." "Nah, you know, it's just kinda... par for the course when your mom's an ex-Playmate." "Well put." "I know your mom." "Really?" "You know, Sam, she's a nice lady." "Batshit crazy, but she's a good chick." "So is that you?" "That, my friend, was the Eliminator tour." "Eight years of more pussy than any one man could ever handle... which, by the way, is why you should wear a rubber." "Or you'll find yourself knocking up the wrong groupie and trading in your dream of a harmonica solo with Billy Gibbons to become the headmaster of a private academy." "But..." "I love my daughter." "She taught me how to respect women." "Or some shit like that." "You ready for the $5 tour?" "This is our history department." "Ian, get off that cell phone." "Oh good." "'Cause I'm a history nut." "I'm a really big fan of the French Revolution, especially Napoleon." "I love Napoleons." "They're very tasty." "Have you ever had one?" "So you're a writer and a dick?" "I'd be careful of your roomie here." "I hear he's a bit of a strange bird, likes to whip out the fifi bag when the lights go down." "What is a fifi bag?" "Bukowski term." "What is a Bukowski?" "A Bukowski?" "Well, it's not a Rusty Trombone or a Gorilla Mask." "A Bukowski is a writer." "A poet?" "Come on." ""Notes from a Dirty Old Man"?" ""Ham on Rye"?" ""Post Office"?" "Well, it's good you're continuing your education." "You came to the right place." "You keep your GPA up, no swearing within earshot, and stay out of trouble, so I can keep you from getting your ass kicked out this go around." "Capisce?" "Yeah, of course." "Plus, how much mayhem could I possibly cause in a school that's got tea cozies on the wall?" "Hey!" "Knock it off." "Look, I can explain." " You know what?" "Sir, I can explain." " Shawn and his friends" " tried to smoke us again." " It wasn't his fault." " You called me Snoop, racist." " That's a lie." "You said degrading stuff about my stature, dipshit..." " I mean, Shawn." " Sir, it's true." "He started it." " Shawn." " What?" "Come on." "You're not actually gonna buy this side of the story, are you?" "You're teasing and fighting with the new kid already?" "And you wonder why you're a fifth-year senior." " Dan..." " Sir!" "Sir." "He walked in, we were hanging out, he punched me in the face." "Blame is the first sign of weakness." "Now apologize." " Fuck that." " Fuck that?" "!" "Headmaster?" "Language?" "Demerits?" "Does any of that ring a goddamn bell to you?" "This is bullshit." "Tuck in that damn shirt and be in my office in 10 minutes." "Come here." "Well, you do have a string of bad luck, don't you?" " That's the worst kid I got." " I told you." "Yeah?" "Well, why don't we try to change that now?" "That's a good idea." "Go make some new friends." "Now." "Sam." "Sam, thank you so much." "You are our savior." "I'm not gonna lie to you." "That guy's such a douche." "He does that all the time." "We should hang out sometime." "By the way, I'm Jimmy." "This is Chuck." "This is Teddy." "Where are you from?" "I'm having a hard time, but I'm thinking it's Manhattan." "I'm getting this tri-state area kind of thing." "New York?" "Yeah, it's New York with that handshake that you're doing." "Okay, calm down." "Look, it's good to meet you guys and I really appreciate the camaraderie in front of the headmaster back there, but I gotta..." "Yeah." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "For sure." "No worries." "Thank you." "And just in case you want to know... like when you realize that this place is a complete shithole... we'll be waiting." "We'll be here." " Right here, bro." " Cool." " If you need a friend..." " Sounds good." "Thank you." "Okay okay, first of all, first of all... don't hog it 'cause I bought that." "And of course." "Well, well, well." "Look who it is." "It's actually surprising." "I thought it would take longer." "You want to partake in some recreational substance abuse?" "I got some Scotch..." "single malt." " Go for it, bro." " That's good, actually." "So stoned." "You guys are all right." "No, no, no, no." "Yeah, be quiet, 'cause Jesus Christ absolution is just mere steps away." "Oh, but seriously." "I beat off to your mom." "What?" "What?" "Don't act like you're surprised." "You know me." "It's no offense, no offense." "No offense." "Just if you're gonna be friends with us, you should know." " Multiple times." " All right, come on, dude." " She's fuckin' gorgeous." " It's fine." "It's fine." "It's fine." "It's my cross to bear." "Look, to even the keel, if it makes you feel any better, my dad's partner was Bernie Madoff." "And my mom's a freak." "My dad, he's an ex-baller." "Says I cramp his any-given-Sunday lifestyle." "Yeah, and I'm Asian." "He is." "You should see this guy drift in a Honda Civic." "Dick." "So what's there to do around here?" "So this is Main Street, huh?" "Yup." "Open weekend... the final frontier." "I fuckin' love the weekends, bro." "I love the girls." "Go talk to them." "What do you mean?" "What do you mean what I mean?" "We've been walking up and down this street." "You've seen the same girls all day." "Go up, say hi." "Go talk to them." "Sam, if you haven't noticed, we're not that cool." "Oh, come on, Chuck." "Except for Jimmy." "He's got all the bitches on lock, ain't that right, Hef?" " God damn, man." " Fuck both of you." "I'm plotting, assholes." "You know that's how I do- why would you- such a dick." "You know what?" "You guys hold that thought." "I'll be right back." " Where you goin', man?" " I'm gonna go talk to that girl." "I probably should have wingmanned that one, huh?" "Hi." "I'm sorry." "Do we know you?" "This is the eye-fucker from Moore." "Oh my God, you're the eye-fucker?" "I guess I am the eye-fucker and I've been completely called out." "So congratulations." "Well, thank you, thank you." "So now that we've got the pleasantries out of the way, do you care to sit down and join us for a latte?" " Yeah." " Great." " I'm Courtney." " Hi." "And this is Angie." "And you are...?" "Sam." " Well, nice to meet you, Sam." " What up?" "Hi." "Well, what are you doing on this glorious sunny day, young Samuel?" "I'm just kind of hanging out with my friends." "Oh, you have friends." "Well, that's novel." "All my friends are dead if you were wondering." "Well, except for her, but she's not really a friend so I guess that doesn't count." " Thanks, bitch." " I love you." " I love you too." " Make-out session later?" " What's so funny?" " You." "You're funny." "He's charming." "God knows I'm trying." "hold that thought." "Hello." "Yeah." "Okay." "Fine." "Fine." "Okay, bye." " We got to jam." " 10-4." "What do you mean?" "Why you going so soon?" "We're just... just starting to have so much fun." "It's my mom... she's crazy and she spit in a bartender's face now." " So we got to go pick her up." " Sweet." "Crazy bitch." "Sounds like my mom." "They should probably carpool." "That's... he's funny." "You're cute too." "All right." "I'm thoroughly bored with this now." "I'm gonna get some motherfuckin' fudge." " Do you want any?" " I'm good on the motherfuckin' fudge," " but thanks, girl." " Bye." "Nice girl." "So, same time, same place next weekend?" "Yeah." " Phone, please." " I'm sorry." "What?" "So I can put my number in it so we can make plans." "Do you have Asperger's or something?" "I don't know what's wrong with you." "Well, I just don't think we're at the swapping... swapping digits phase yet." "It's all moving a little fast for me." "I see." "It's so fast." "Well then, no number for you." "Well done, prince charming." " Good job." " Yo, tampon, we got to go pick up your alkie mother." "Wait two seconds." "Jesus, Angie." "Hi." "Sorry." "Here here." " You sure?" " Yeah." " Bye." " Bye." "Nice fucking work, dude." " Will you be my mentor?" " That'll be nice." " That was amazing." " Okay, let's not jump on him all at once." "Let's have some coffee like some civilized people." " You don't even drink coffee." " 'Cause it tastes like shit." ""And so I return to the question at hand." "Do we resign ourselves to the sad truth that our existence is purely an exercise in human folly?" "Or do we embrace every moment of that existence and forget about what it might amount to one day?"" "Now we all know what Camus thinks..." "It's fucking "Cammuss." Crazy, right?" " It's Camus, you idiot." " It is?" "Do you guys ever read?" "Sam?" " Hey." " Hey." "Sit down." "Yeah." "In a second." "I've got to tell you something, though." "I, um... met a girl." "And one that's not in a straitjacket, which is a pretty big improvement for me." " Sam." " And then" "I'm actually pretty sure I completely aced my literature presentation thanks to your recommended reading." " I'm going out on the streets with this..." " Sam." "...'cause I had no idea that French-Moroccan existentiallsm could be just so damn fascinating." "Sam, I just got off the phone." "Your mother can't pay for your school anymore." "We had a good run." "You know, you were... you were cool, my friends were cool." "I got a little Bukowski out of it, but I guess at the end of the day, even my mom's tits aren't recession-proof." "Yeah." "Come on, man." "I left my ID in my room." "I don't feel like going to get it." " Can you please just give me a drink?" " Nice try, junior." "He's with me." "Yeah, I..." "I'm with her." "That's why I don't have my ID, because I left it in our room." "So how about you just pour me that drink?" "While you're at it, you can refill hers and when you're done, you can bring it to the table." "How about that?" " Thank you." " Thank you." "And also, thank you." "You looked like you needed it." "Oh boy, I did." "I actually still do." "I'm Sam, by the way." " I'm Alison." " Good to meet you, Alison." "Rough night?" "Gotcha." " Me too." " Yeah." "My husband's mistress showed up at my house tonight to complain to me about how he's cheating on her tonight." "S... s... shit." "I mean, I'm sure that he can explain." "He's really good at explaining." "He's a very good explainer." " Like, he could've explained..." " Yes, okay." "Right, look," " Okay, here we go." " that I was married..." "Why don't we do this?" "Why don't we do this?" "Your husband's a fucking asshole." "Okay?" "I would..." "I mean, what?" "He goes out and he cheats on you?" "Twice?" "And then he fuckin' tries to explain?" "What are you talking about?" "Who the hell cheats on you?" "I mean, look at you." "You're beautiful." "You've got these eyes, they sparkle." "They're like diamonds, you know?" "God, what?" "That was really bad." "That just..." " won't sound genuine." " Oh good." "No, it's a good thing." "So... so you go to school around here or something?" "Yeah, kinda." " Kinda." " Kinda?" "How old are you, Sam?" "18." "Yeah, I should probably get out of here and get going." "You probably should." "I'll buy you another drink." "My husband probably shouldn't have cheated on me." " Twice." " Twice." "So..." " So..." " So..." "I'm gonna stay in town tonight." "Just tell Riley that I love him." "Okay?" "Okay." "Bye." "Is this creepy?" "Creepy?" "This is freaking amazing." "This is crazy." "I'm not that old, you know." "I'm not that young." "Technically I'm not even a senior anymore because I can't pay for my tuition." "This is fun, right?" "Yeah." "This is fun." "You have an amazing ass." "So hey, you wanna have fun again?" "Absolutely." "I could have fun all night." " I bet you can." " I can." " Good." " Great." " Less talking, more doing." " Okay." "All right, so let me get this straight." "This chick was hot, brought you to her suite, got you drunk, had sex with you multiple times and left you with a fucking check in the morning?" "Yeah." "That's fucking amazing." "Why don't shit like that ever happen to me, Jimmy?" "It can." "It can." "Yeah." "Sam, she's got friends, right?" " Yeah, she's got friends." " And you have money problems." " Yes, I have money problems." " Okay, so?" " So what?" " So hook it up." "Dude, it's not what you think." "I don't even know if I'm gonna call this girl again." "Okay, this is like a once-in-a-Iifetime thing." "Yeah, or like a once-in-a-week time thing." " You fuckin' know it." " You know what I mean?" "Guys, stop." "Come on." "Look, if you haven't already guessed it," " I'm a Virgin, okay?" " Yeah, I know." "$500 is good." "I get it, okay?" "I don't know what you did with it, but the fact of the matter is if we could parlay that into two grand a week," "Sam, we could pay for your tuition in two months or less." "Like that." "You could stay in school and we could all hang out again." "Plus we'd be bringing joy to unhappily-married women everywhere." "Yes!" "And Teddy, by the way, great Valid point." "Selfless..." "I like where your head's at." " Thank you, sir." " He made a valid point." "I'm just saying." "The fact of the matter is there are probably tons... tons of smoking hot milfs waiting for some young guilt-free kielbasa." "All you have to do is make the connection, pimp this shit out and it's done." "It's a fuckin' wrap..." "bills on you." "You want to lay in bills?" "You want to take a bath in bills?" "Okay, could you please stop listening in on our fucking conversation?" "I'm sorry." "It just sounds awesome." "I mean, if you ever need any help..." "Yeah yeah, sure." "We'll give you a fuckin' call." "Just stop looking at me." "So..." "Hey, do you think we can carve out a little bit to do a scholarship for a kid who's having some financial problems?" " What?" " Well, you said we had a little extra." "Well, not entirely extra." "It's for Sam Lowell." "We're a boarding school, not a commune." "I think we should concentrate on the kids that are already here as opposed to some charity case you might want to bring in." "Bruce, this is not a charity case." "All right?" "This is a good kid." "I mean, what do you think we do here as teachers?" "We're here to inspire." "Well, I'm all for inspiring, but we're in a recession." " I know that." " I can't even get enough money for new band instruments." "Coach Jackson wants new turf for his lacrosse field." "I'd like a little money for my Women's Lib program." "What do they need to know about women?" "You tell the good-looking ones they're smart and you tell the smart ones they're good-looking." "Look, I'm trying to have a decent conversation..." "This is a conversation." "You're not listening." " Sir?" " What is it, Cy, what?" "!" "Sam Lowell is back on campus." "He says he can pay for his tuition." "Hello?" " She answer it?" " I don't... hello?" "Is that my mom?" "Ali, it's Sam." " Sam?" " No, it's for your mom." " It's Sam." " Hey." " Hey, who was that?" " Uh, it's..." " just a friend." " Your mom's a cougar." "So I'm glad you called." "Yeah, me too." "Look, anyway, I was just thinking about how great last weekend was." "And I was wondering if maybe you weren't busy this weekend," " we could..." " Do it again?" " Yeah." " I thought you had to leave school." "No, I do." "Well, I did." "Anyway, that's kind of what I wanted to talk to you about." "I don't know if this sounds weird or anything, but I was wondering if maybe this weekend you could bring some of your friends..." "Sit your ass down." "and I could bring some of my friends." "And then some of your friends could give some of my friends, some letters too, you know, to help for my education fund?" "Or not." "I mean, it's totally fine." "It was just an idea." "Just a stupid..." "It's not a stupid idea." "Ask him if he has any friends." " They told..." " Are you positive he's here?" " I'm dead positive." " In here?" "Yes..." "I mean, 95% positive." " Hello?" " Sam?" "Sam?" " Sam?" " What?" "Hold on." "He asked me." " Alison?" " Tell him yes." " I don't know." " What do you mean you don't know?" "What's your fuckin' problem?" "Alison?" "Boys?" " Dan-o." " Sir." "Um, sir, if I may," "I think that we might have found a solution to Sam's little economic issue." "A solution?" "Uh, yeah." "A job." "A job?" "A job that pays $20,000 a semester?" "What is it?" "Ponzi scheme?" " Nah, man." " Well, sir, my dad has some work we can do for his company." "And see, it's a tax shelter kind of thing." " Tax shelter." " Tax shelter." "Yeah, like a 501(c), sir." " Is this a fuckin' joke?" " Sir?" "We..." "Sam has a down payment." "I can see it." "Okay." "Are you boys selling drugs?" "All right." "I'll bite." "Welcome back, Sam." "Whatever you're doing, keep it clean." "Yeah." "They're young boys, pick of the litter, and they're a hell of a lot cheaper than a pair of Louis Vuittons." "Which pair?" "Wait, what are you talking about?" "Judy, quit it." "We're not doing this." " Will you stop?" " Doing what?" "Why do you two always exclude me?" "It's 'cause I'm younger, isn't it?" "You just don't think I understand..." "Enough." " What?" " Testy." "Shit." "For your information," "Alison here is acting all bitchy because I want to set up some paid playdates with a few boys from Moore." " Playdates?" " Yes." " You mean for shagging?" " I think it's so cool." "I think it sounds awful and completely illegal." "Yes, it is, Judy." "Stop being such a fucking square, Mary." "Mary is not a square." "She's old fashioned." "I'm sorry, but marrying an agent who's gonna help our little Ginger here with her career and give her a life of arm candy doesn't make her old fashioned." " It makes her a fucking moron." " Oh my God, excuse me." "Okay, stop." "Mary, don't listen to her." "And you, I've made myself clear." "I don't think we should do this." " What is the big deal?" "You already did it." " And look at you." "It wasn't like that." " Really?" " No." "You gave him a check though." "You gave him a check?" "Mary, I love you, but we're much older than you and there are certain things..." "She is in just as shitty a relationship as you." "Stop justifying this." " We all know your husband..." " Fine!" "I fucked him." "I paid him." "But I was just trying to help him out." "He's a decent kid who was having a hard time." "So why don't you want to help out your kid again?" "What is the big deal?" "It was a mistake, Judy." "Oh, please." "It's a mistake?" "Are you kidding me?" "It's a mistake now that we want to have some fuckin' fun?" "But with you it wasn't a mistake, right?" "Right." "No." " Alison." " Mary." "I think it sounds invigorating." "You know what?" "Let's just set it up for us." "And we'll find some new girls for Sam." "What?" "I need this." "We need this." " Come on." " You know, I don't know about this." "Oh shut up, Mary." "When was the last time someone fucked you" " so hard you couldn't walk?" " Oh my God." "Jesus fucking Christ, Judy." "You know, now that I think about it," "I think it sounds really fun!" " Are they fit?" " Fit and they are willing." "It's so true." "There is nothing sweeter than a boy's worship of the female body." "Excuse me." "Who are you again?" "Oh, this is Dominica, darling." " She's from South America." " I met her at the PTA last week." "She's our new BFF." "By the way, you have a beautiful home." "So what do you say?" "Un minuto!" "No, Fleming, it's not gonna work." "Hey, babe, I'm off out." "Tell 'em to put it on hold." "What part of "no" don't you get?" "I think they want to meet." "Let's do it." "So, Judy, right?" "Yeah." "So, Judy, what do you think?" " About what?" " Come on." "Let's cut the bullshit." "Let's get to what we came here for." " Excuse me?" " Exactly." " Sorry about my friend." " It's okay." "Dude, change it!" "I like your suit." "and I'm feeling these slippers." " I'Ve got this too." " Very nice." " I think you're really handsome." " I am?" "Mary." " Charles." " What a lovely name." " So's Mary." " I know." "Thank you." "Wait, that's perfect!" "Don't change it!" "That's perfect." "Thank you." "Where is she?" "Ali!" "Ali?" " What?" " Ali!" "Wait, do you know what this reminds me of?" " No." " "Reach out and touch..."" " Come on, Ali." "This is so awesome." " Judy." " What?" " Nothing." " Nothing?" " Nothing." "Let me tell him." "It's a funny story." "Alison had a little more than "nothing"" "with the lead singer of Depeche Mode" " in her moody early '20s!" " Do you ever shut up?" "No." "I was a total rock 'n' roll bitch," " but our..." " Groupie." "Were we groupies?" "Okay, we were groupies." "But our Ali here was so into Mr. Gahan's personal penis!" "Shut up, Judy." "You just need to relax." " He rocked, right?" " Relax." "You relax." "At least you weren't a groupie for INXS or something." "What the fuck is INXS?" "Oh shit." "Oh, just drink up, stud." "Show me your room." "I'm bored." " Right now?" " Yes." "Come on." "Let's go." " Bro, where are you going?" " I'm gonna show her my fucking room." " Shit." "You wanna go to my room?" " Okay." "Guys, we could leave you two alone if you like as well." "Oh, can we now?" "Well, I mean, if that's okay with you." "Yeah, all right." "Why not?" "Have fun, kids." "What does that mean?" " You're so good." " I'm good?" "You're better." "I don't have this at home, baby." "You don't have it at home?" "You can take it home right in your pocket." "Great big niño everything!" "Show me what you're working with!" "You're such a good kisser." "Thank you." "You're Very, um..." "Excited?" " Stop squeezing my tits." " Okay!" "All right, I'm sorry." "You're squeezing 'em." " I'm not fucking squeezing 'em." " Okay okay." "Oh, here we are." "Oh, fuck my pussy, yeah!" "Yeah yeah!" "Is that Depeche Mode?" "Is that your "personal Jesus"?" "That's him." "My personal penis." "I haven't had to use my Rabbit in weeks." "It's true." "And they're even polite." "Really?" "Do they have more friends?" "My boyfriend just dumped me." "Mine too." "I thought you were married." "Whatever." "Hey, babe, guess where we're going." " Where?" "Hawaii?" " Minnesota." "Final fuckin' Four!" "Right here, babe." "Holy shit." "Chuck!" "Chuck!" "Chuck, come in here." "Gotta check this out." " What you looking at, man?" " Look, it's CougarLife." "It's a social network for eligible women of a certain age." "Dude, it has everything." "Look at this, look at this." "Locations, interests, cup size!" "This is gonna be amazing." "It's gonna give us a whole new clientele for all of our new recruits." " What new recruits?" " Just watch and learn." "I don't know, Jimmy." "I don't think Sam's gonna like this." "Shut the fuck up." "We're joining." "I will not disappoint you, sirs." "I'm Patrick, by the way." "Well, Patrick, prepare yourself for a whole new lifestyle." "Are you..." "are you recording this?" "What... is that a problem?" "Ride it harder!" "Come on, doggie." "Oh God, this is way better than internet porn!" "You got me a present." "What you got in that bag?" "Let me see what you got." "Turn around and pull down your pants." "What the fuck you mean, turn around" " and pull down my pants?" "I ain't..." " Now!" " Sam?" " Courtney." " Hey." " Hey." " Hey." "Don't forget little ol' me." " Hi, Angie." " And this is Todd." " Tom." " Whatever." " We met on Facebook." " Cool, man." " I'm the third wheel." " Sounds like fun." " Boatloads." " I can hear you guys." " We know." "So how 'bout you?" "What are you doing behind a liquor store" " at 10 PM?" " Nothing." "Really?" "He's wearing a suit in an alley." "Yes, and I can explain." "Here you go." "Four bottles plus one allz?" "And one white." "Thank you." " Where were we?" " You were lying." " I knew he was lying." " Aren't you supposed to be on a date?" "All right, fine." "Fine." " Todd, let's go hook up in the car." " It's Tom." "That's what you do on a date." "So where is your car?" "Yeah, sorry." "I'm a bitchmagnet." "Must be in the DNA or something." "Yeah." "By the way, sorry about before." "Well, not right before, because you are lying and I am going to get to the bottom of that." "The before where we were supposed to hang and I didn't show." "That before." " I bet you thought I flaked." " No, you know, I just..." " I figured..." " Well, the thing is my mom... she's..." "she's been having issues and I've been having to deal with them." "Dad thinks it's over, which means me and my aggro older brother have to take care of Mommy dearest for now." " Jesus." " Yeah." "What can I say?" "She's a nightmare." "But so are a lot of women like that in this town." "I mean, you would be surprised on what goes on behind closed doors." "So what did you say you were doing again?" "Are you... are you okay?" "Yeah, I think I just broke a champagne bottle." "You having a party or something?" "Yeah." "No." "Which one is it?" "Yes or no?" "Yes and no." " Gotcha." " Shit." "Wait." "Look, hang on, hang on, hang on." "Wait wait wait wait." "Look..." "It's not like that." "My buddy Chuck, his mom's sick." "We're just gonna hang out, cheer him up, talk shit." " Drink champagne?" " Yeah." " You're lying again, aren't you?" " Yes." "What are you really doing?" "Nothing, okay?" "I promise it's nothing." "Is that a retainer?" "Fine." "You wanna grab breakfast with me tomorrow or something?" "I just asked you out." " Is that weird?" " No no no, that's not weird." "That's great." "It's amazing." " So breakfast." " Yeah, I'm not promising anything." "Just waffles." "Oh, and no Angie." "That's... yeah." "Oh, if there's no Angie, then yeah." "Hell yeah." "So 10:00 AM Med's coffee shop on Third?" " Great." " It's a date." " Well, I mean, it's..." " I can't wait." "Well, you gotta go, right?" "So..." "Yeah." " Okay." " Okay." "See you at 10:00." "I'm sorry." "It's okay." "Yeah?" "It happens to everybody." "So maybe you're just drunk." "No, I didn't drink that much." "Well then, maybe you should drink." "No, I should not drink." "I got to..." "I got to tell you something." "Okay." "I met somebody." "I met somebody." "I haven't done anything with her or anything." "We haven't even gone out on a date." "I'm not even really sure what's gonna happen with it." "It's just kinda got me thinking a little bit, you know?" "Yeah." "Got you thinking, huh?" "But, I mean, if you wanna just wait a minute..." "a couple minutes or whatever," "I'm sure I could..." "No, 'cause I know how much this means to you." " Excuse me?" " Shit." "No, wait." "Hang on, hang on, hang on." "Hang on." "Look, that did not come out right." "Okay?" "I said that completely wrong." "Look, I can't do this like this." "I..." "It's okay." "You know what?" "I've got to take care of my family." "Where's my coat?" "Come on." "Just... can you... can you wait?" "please?" "Just wait." "Just... wait." "Good night." "Bye." "Yo!" "Sam?" " Hey." " What are you doing, man?" " Yeah, just..." " Oh, you're writing?" " Yeah." " Jesus Christ." "In a place of worship." "Sam Lowell, I never thought I'd see the day." "That makes two of us, brother." "Oh hey, I got your check last week." " Oh you did?" "Good." " Yeah yeah." " So work good?" " Yeah, work's... you know, it's work," " But it's good." " Yeah." "Yeah." "Hey, you want to grab something to eat?" "I think the last shuttle's pretty crammed." "I'll take you wherever you want to go and you can tell me all about how they screwed up The Village." " Sounds good, man, but I got..." " I got, uh..." " I got, uh..." " Work." "You're working now?" "Not like..." "Well, not like this work, but I do have, like, work work in a little bit." "Chuck's dad needs me to drive around some of his business associates acting as, like, a valet." "I don't really know what the hell that means." "But I think I've got to wear a tux." "Tux." "Fuck." "Sorry." "All right." "Well, maybe another time." "You know what?" "I'd like to have you over to the house for dinner sometime, introduce you to my family." "Yeah, man, I'd love to meet your family." "Really?" " Yeah." " All right." "Well, you have a fun time at work." "Shut off the light when you're done." " Yeah." " There's a switch right over here." "Okay." "Oh man." "So what do you think of him?" "Strong hands, nice lips..." "I definitely approve." "What, balloon boy?" "Are you completely off your rocker?" "He's a child." "And what the fuck is Chuck?" "Cock don't have an age, Mary." "It's true." "You know what?" "Fuck this." "I'm getting a divorce and marrying someone my own age." "Well, that's a little overdramatic." "Right?" "What the hell her fuckin' problem is." "So, seriously, how much do you think he'd cost?" "I think you can get him for five." "Fuck yeah." "That's just a charity case." "Look at Ali." "That bitch." "She's gonna fuck him and not even tell us." "Ali!" "Over here, girlfriend!" "Ali!" " Girls." " Aren't you yummy?" " I'm Judy." " Jesus." "What?" "He's cute." "So where've you been?" "I've missed you." "Sorry." "I've just been really busy with Riley." "Really?" "You've been busy with a fuckin' three-year-old?" "Gimme a break." "It's fuckin' bullshit." " Excuse..." " Nothing." "You're busy." "You're busy." "Sorry." "You're busy with Riley." "You're busy with this balloon boy." "Jude, Jude, what the hell are you talking?" "What are you talking about?" "Look at you." "You're trashed at my son's birthday party." "So what?" "I'm having a good time." "No, you're here to scope out teenagers for your weekly hotel party." "Oh yeah?" "Well, it's not at a hotel anymore, babe." " What?" " They moved it." "For your informa-ti-on, they got a rental." "Oh and Mary here's getting a divorce, by the way." "Judy!" "Fuck's sake!" "Nicely done." "Enjoy the cake." "Fuckin' party pooper." "Sam!" "Oh shit." "What do I do?" "Just relax." "Sam, over here." "Don't be a fucking rat." "He's not a fucking rat, bro." "Sam." "What's up, man?" "Take a walk with me." " Hop on." " Excuse me?" "I need to talk to you about something." " You do?" " Yes." "I do." "Right." "Well, here's the thing:" "see, I'm supposed to go into town with my buddies and I've never really been on a motorcycle before, so..." "Just jump on the goddamn bike." "So what'd you want to talk to me about?" "Quit your job." " What?" " Quit your job!" "Look, Dan, before we go any further, man," "I think I should explain something!" "I got a scholarship for you." "What?" "!" "I got a scholarship for ya!" "I told Bruce, "Fuck you,"" "told the board, "Fuck you." "I'm the boss." "Give this kid a scholarship." "He deserves it." Then they did it!" "So you can quit your job, go back to studying now." "Thank you!" "I thought I was in trouble!" "Nah nah." "I was just fuckin' with you." "Are you in trouble?" "Uniforms." "Put 'em on." "There's a bathroom." "You can use it if you want to to change, but remember real women like the fantasy of youth." "White is like heaven." "Real women like heaven." "And boys?" "You're about to be dealing with some real women." "Jimmy, what the fuck?" "Shit." "Hey." " Sorry I started without you." " What are you..." "Everyone, say hello to your founding father Sam." "Clap." " We got to talk." " Talk amongst yourself for a second." " We got to shut this down." " What?" "You fucking ratted on us, didn't you?" "He doesn't know anything." "Back off." "Thank God." "Guys, we got to quit while we're ahead here." " Why?" " Because he took me out and he told me that he was gonna pay for my tuition, that's why." "Fucking Dan Fox?" "Dan." "Look, man, he's a cool guy." "I don't want to betray his trust anymore." " It's the right fucking thing to do, Jimmy." " I agree." "This whole thing is just subversive." "At first I thought Mary loved me." "Then I found out she just wanted me for my body." "Yeah, and last week, Dominica used a dildo on me, bro." "So what?" "!" "Who gives a shit?" "Open up your eyes, brothers." "This little thing that we started has turned into something bigger than we could ever imagine." "Sam, this is a cash cow business here." "If we keep this up, we can start franchising soon." " Franchising?" " Patrick's got a guy in Connecticut... his dad owns like a chain of hotels." " What are you..." "Patrick?" " I thought you hated that guy, Jimmy." "When opportunity knocks," " you got to take it." " Okay, stop." "This is our chance to go big leagues with it." "James, come on, man." "It'll be fine." "Let's just put this puppy to sleep." "Fine, but guys, for me, please." "We can end it." "Just give me tonight, okay?" "I mean, Sam, there's people at the door." "We can't cancel." "The recruits are all dressed up and excited." "Teddy, what do you say?" "You've known me the longest." "What do you say?" "One more night, one more party, all of us together." "Fuck the girls, fuck the bullshit." "Please." "Let's celebrate, huh?" " Fine fine." " Yeah." "Okay, but look, I'm serious, man." " There's no more lying." " No more lying." "After tonight." "One more night of lying." "Bring it in." " Sam?" " Courtney?" "Shit." " What are you doing here?" " I was just walking my dog and I thought I saw my mom come up here." "Your mom?" "No, that's impossible." "Do you live around here?" "Yeah." "Like a block away." "No shit." "So what are you doing here?" "Chuck's parents are in town and they're doing a little bingo for cancer thing." "Just helping out." "Cool." "Wait, what are you..." "what are you doing?" "I'll help." "What do you mean you'll help?" "Well, I'm done with homework." "You're here." "I'm here." "I'll help." "You know what?" "How about this?" "If you don't have anything else to do... they don't really need me in there... why don't we just go back to your place?" " Yeah?" " Yeah." "I mean, as much as I love just hooking up in the back of your Prius..." "You know, we've been dating a little over a month and I've never seen your place." "What do you say?" "No." "What?" "Headmaster Fox is your dad?" "Shit." "You didn't know?" " I thought everyone knew." " Nah, I'm new." "That's right." "Well, that's my dad and that's my train wreck of a mother." "Congratulations on your ignorance." "Now you get to do the dean's daughter." "Wait, hang on." "Come on." "Shawn?" "My brother?" "Yup." "I hear he's a total dick at school." "Yeah, you could say that." "So now that we're done with the genealogy, what do you think of my new bra?" "Sexy?" "I got matching panties too." " Wait wait wait." "Wait a second." " Why?" "Don't worry." "My dad's working late at your school and you did say you want to maximize the space in my room versus my hybrid toaster." "So let's maximize..." "I gotta kinda tell you something." " You're a virgin?" " No." "Great." "Neither am I." "I'm really horny and my bed is really comfy and we've waited a month so speak now or forever hold your piece." "What is it?" "Doesn't matter anymore." "Oh shit." "Oh my God." "Good morning, Sam." "This is the girl sans straitjacket?" "Daniel." "Oh, this is perfect." " You know each other?" " What is going on?" "I found your mother at a high school party down the street" " with a 17-year-old boy." " 18." "Classy." " I should probably go." " No no no." "Why don't you stay, will you?" "Look, Dan, man..." "Sam, man." "So, Sam, you have anything to do with this?" "'Cause Judy's date was your little dick friend Jimmy." "Yeah?" "Dad." " Yeah, baby?" " He was with me last night... as you can see." "Well, it seems like everybody was getting laid last night and I got fucked." "So..." " you wanna get some breakfast?" " No thank you, sir." " Dan." " No thanks, man." "I'm good." "Judy, I'd like to pick up on that conversation we were having over eggs and bacon." "Fuck you." "Or not." "All right." "Why don't you two lovebirds work it out?" "Now talk amongst yourselves." "What were you doing at that house last night?" "I need to know." "I don't know." "You really think you can I... don't... know your way out of my family drama?" " Well?" " What?" "It's not what you think, okay?" "What do I think, Sam?" "I don't know what you think." "I don't know." " Shit." "I'm sorry." " Just leave." "You okay?" "Now, please." " Courtney, look..." " Get out!" "We're done." "Dream's over, bro." "I'm sorry, man." "I really fucked this one up." "Nah, we all fucked up." "Just a little louder." "Hey." "Do me a favor." "If you see Courtney, tell her to say hi to Judy for me." "You're such an asshole, Jimmy." "I'm sorry I have feelings, buttdick." " Sam." " Alison, hi." "I bet you think that's my husband, don't you?" "I don't know." "He's a friend..." "someone... my subcontractor." "Oh, that's the subcontractor." "Okay." "So, hey, where you heading?" "I don't know." "It's gonna be okay." "Don't... my hair." "I love your hair." " I can explain." " What's there to explain?" "You broke my sister's heart." "You stole my dad from me!" "You fuck!" " Hey." " Hey." "Is that a black eye?" "Yeah." "Look, here's..." "here's the thing:" "My friends are gone," "your daughter won't talk to me and I can barely look you in the eyes anymore." "I can't concentrate in class." "I can't concentrate outside of class." "Your son just... came and kicked the ever-living shit out of me and I can't write anymore." "So I'm just going to talk for a minute." "And you can just shut me up whenever you feel like, okay?" "Go ahead, go ahead." "All right, so my friends... you know, the ones who were pooling all their money together to pay for my tuition... that money that we pulled together was dirty." "All right." "So what I'm basically trying to tell you is that we started an escort service that catered to your wife and all of her friends." "And I swear to God I had no idea that it was your... that it was your wife." "And her friends were all just fuckin'... once this whole thing started, man," "I couldn't stop it." "I really really... it was going just really well and then you came and you told me that you got the school to pay for my... my tuition and I felt awful." "I just felt fuckin' awful." "And I wanted to tell you about it, but I couldn't." "I didn't tell you about it, so then I went to the rental house where we would, you know, do everything and I tried to stop it." "But I didn't stop it there because I figured, "What the fuck?" "One night." "One night." "One more time." "Let's have one more time." "We'll go one more time."" "But it's not gonna be one more time." "Even if you hadn't caught us, it wasn't gonna be one more time." "And the only reason you didn't catch me was 'cause I was out alone with your..." "I was at your house..." "your house!" "With your fuckin' daughter." "Post script:" "I had no idea it was your daughter, but..." "I tried to come clean with her." "And..." "I don't know, man." "I'm just really fuckin' lost." "And I know that you're probably just super pissed and you don't care, but..." "Are you rolling a joint?" "I'm listening." "You're not even mad?" "Kinda." "Nah, not really." "No." "Come on, man." "I knew what was going on." "You did?" " You did?" " Well, of course I did." "Find all your buddies with a bunch of older women?" "And magical cash?" "I mean, I'm stupid, but I'm not a fuckin' idiot." "And you know what?" "You said it." "You didn't fuck my wife." "You didn't know Courtney was my daughter." "And you did what you needed to do to stay here." " So now what?" " Now what what?" "You gonna kick me out of school?" "Nah." "Your friends?" "They took the heat for you." "Anyway, you know what?" "You've been kicked out of too many schools." "So I told the new headmaster that..." "Hang on." "What do you mean new headmaster?" "Oh yeah." "I resigned this morning." "The new headmaster is English." "I hear he wears bow ties." "So, if you do stay here, your scholarship is safe." "Look, man, thank you, but..." "I have absolutely no interest in staying here," "I mean without you or my friends, so..." "I figured as much." "You know what?" "You're gonna be all right." " I don't know about that." " No, you're gonna be all right." "I know." "Really." "So what are you gonna do about your family?" "Well... that family..." "my family's had problems for a long time way before you came." "And Judy and I, well, we were done years ago." "Shawn." "He's a troubled kid." "I feel responsible for all that trouble he has." "But that's the gift a father gives a son... resentment and scorn." "He'll be all right." "He'll come around like when he's 29." "And that little girl of mine?" "I don't worry about her one bit." "She has got it all, man." "Got it all, that girl." " So what about you?" " Me?" "Well, me... can I ask you a question?" "Yeah." "Seriously." "You think I'm too old to go back on the road?" "Nah." "Just wrap it up." "Oh, I'm gonna double-bag it." "Oh yeah." "I ain't making that mistake again." "Hey, do a bro a solid, will you?" "Yeah, man." "You take JetBlue out of Ontario home tonight?" "Okay." "Good." "All right." "Remember... heroes aren't born, they're cornered." " Bukowski?" " Mickey Rooney." "Come on, get out of here." "That's good." "I play so good when I'm high." "Excuse me." "Sorry, man." "Hi." " Hey, you need some help?" " Sam?" "Worst opening line ever." "So what are you doing taking my flight home?" "Your flight, huh?" "Well, if you must know, I'm going to be living with my dad's parents in The Village for the last year and a half of high school." "I hear they're eccentric artists, so that's cool." "That's cool." "You really don't have to help me with that." "It's fine." "Look, yes I do." "By the way, how the hell do you plan on getting all these bags past security?" " I'm crafty." " Crafty?" "If you'd like to ensure safe passage of your bags, then maybe you should let me take one." "We can just say we're together." "Okay." "It's cool." "It's my bag." "Yeah, maybe, you know." "Okay." " Okay." " Maybe's okay." "Thanks." " So..." " So..." "What's your real story, Samuel?" "Got five hours to kill?"