"ENGLISH SUBS START AFTER THIS "THE STORY SO FAR"" "The ring already weighed me down." "I was heading for Mordor." " Are you saying I'm evil?" " No." "But you have no idea how you appear to others." "How can you change anything if you never listen to anyone?" " You can't see your own flaws." " What flaws?" "Please specify." "My dear Mona ..." "I try to be straightforward, but what do I get?" "Nothing but negativity and shit." "No matter what I say, you take it as criticism." "Because it is criticism!" " Give me an example." " I'll give you a simple example:" "You ask me to get something." "I say yes." "But if I take more than two seconds, you say, "I'll get it myself."" "And I would have gotten it one second later!" "The thing is, every time I talk to you I have to repeat everything three times." " That's because ..." " Trifles." "You have reduced your relationship to mere trifles." "You're talking about our life." "That's what's so sad." "And it's the only life you'll ever get." "I'll let you determine whether this is sad or not:" "For your first 18 years together   you did everything you could to make things work." "Through the sleep-deprived, exhausting baby phase." "Where you replaced sex and physical contact   with your children's love." "Your convinced yourselves that was the best way to be parents." "You gave your kids everything, but drifted apart." "Later you desperately tried to find back to what you once had." "Maybe you checked into a hotel twice a year,   where you both tried to be the "bubbly" person you once were." "That maybe lasted 2-3 days, before the daily grind killed it." "During the teenage phase you drifted further apart." "Then the kids moved out, and now you're back to square one." "But without any of the warmth and sexual attraction you once had." "You allowed the daily grind to kill your love." "You have lived together for 22 years." "I could tell you to give each other three compliments a day   and swallow your irritation, but why?" "Your relationship is dead." "It's over." "Go home and pack." "Stand back to back, bag in hand,   and sense that wonderful feeling of the world being your oyster." "Then run in opposite directions." "Feel free to stay, but I have to go." "Go where?" "I'm ... getting married." " Good evening." " Good evening." "Radiant as always." "Deep-voiced as always." "I can't smoke inside." "I have to finish this." "I believe we're seated at the same table." "What the hell are you doing?" "What is the meaning of this?" "Give me a fucking break!" "That little boy wants nothing more than for you to be together!" "Now let's go get this odd couple married." "Hi, you have reached Marianne." "Leave a message." "Hi, it's me." "Holy shit, do you ever look hot!" "Vegard, are you drooling over the guests?" " Go get ready with the band!" " Will do." "Sorry, this isn't my seat." "Dammit!" "Wait here." "Eva?" "Eva?" "Can you open the door?" "We have to be there in 30 minutes." "I tried to call you." "I know." "Sorry." "I ..." "We have to talk." "Can't we just talk   afterwards?" "We have to go." "I don't know if I can do this." "I don't know if this is right for either of us." "I don't know if I'm the one for you." "Maybe you should just let me pack and get out of here." "I understand that you find this scary." "I'm terrified too." "I've thought I can't go through with it." "But I believe that the rest of my life with you   is better than the rest of my life without you." "It's just you and me." "The fact that we're getting married is irrelevant." "You have told me before   that you don't deserve to be loved." "But the past doesn't matter now." "From now on it's just   you and me." "And the kids." "It will be fine." "It will be better than you think." "I have some sort of a plan." "I like this door." "Don't make me drill a hole in it." "Do you love me?" "I'm mad in love with you." "Then open the door." "It's bad luck to see the bride before the wedding." " You go ahead." "I'll meet you there." " OK." "See you soon." "Yeah." "Ready?" "Yeah." "As ready as I can be." "You have the rings?" "Good." "Can I smell your fingers?" "Only you screw around on your own wedding day." "So ..." "Do you think she'll show up?" "She'll be here." "She'll be here." "You OK?" "You look stunning." "And you look handsome." "Ready?" "We are gathered here today to join together this couple." "So they can live the rest of their lives as husband and wife." "Place your hand on the book." "Do you promise to respect each other, and give each other freedom?" " Yes." " Repeat after me:" "I swear to always ..." "I swear to always   tell my partner the truth and nothing but the truth." "... tell my partner the truth and nothing but the truth." "Have sex even when we don't want to," " and never share finances." "Have sex with each other even when we don't want to,   and never share finances." "Excellent." "You may now give each other the rings." "Now kiss." "And then we can eat." "I hereby pronounce you husband and wife!" "The knot reminded my I only had one life to live,   and to live it to the fullest." "As this evening's toastmaster,   it is up to me to present this evening's menu." "The main course, per the groom's wishes,   is whole, deep-fried pig, served with bacon and plum sauce." " You couldn't help yourself?" " Figured I could go all out today." "No doubt." "Did you see that, Leon?" " You're good with the girls, dad." " You think?" "You will be too, some day." "An excellent wine!" "Come on." "You're probably going to want more." "Open wide." "There." "I suppose it's my turn." "My dear friends, it is so fantastic   to be able to spend this day with you two." "It's like the main chapter   in a love story   in some amazing book you never want to end." "That's being said,   this is also a day for honesty." "And I am convinced that I speak for everyone around this table,   when I say I find it repulsive,   repulsive to think of this aging man's ball sack   slapping against the body of this lovely, young girl." "So the question is why?" "Why subject herself to this?" "The answer is simple." "The standard for what is important in life changes over the years." "And thank God for that." "When we are young, our eyes tell us what our heart should fee." "When we are old, it's our hearing." "A beautiful face, no matter how beautiful,   becomes ordinary after a few years." "I dare claim that by the time we have turned 30,   there is nothing more sexy   than going through life with someone who impresses you." "Who surprises you." "Who makes you laugh   as he or she walks beside you." "It's so easy to take our lives for granted." "But take the 4.5 billion years the earth has existed   and compress it to 24 hours." "Then life was created at 4 a.m." "A single-celled organism." "Then nothing happens for 16 hours." "Not until 8:30 p.m." "Two thirds of those 24 hours have already passed." "And all the world has to show for it,   are some insignificant microorganisms." "But then things start happening." "First marine plants appear." "Jellyfish, 20 minutes later." "At 11:45 p.m. the first mammals are born." "And 1 minute and 17 seconds before midnight,   the first humanoids arrive." "One minute and 17 seconds!" "With that perspective, our ancestors only had a few seconds   to meet,   be attracted to each other, and reproduce." "And all those tiny details   have resulted in us sitting here today." "That is how incredible the miracle is,   of finding someone to love, who also loves you back." "Hemingway once said:" ""An intelligent man is forced to be drunk   to spend time with his fools."" "Viewed from the outside, Dag,   it may seem exceedingly idiotic   to spend your life trying to find the strength to dare live alone." "Only to throw away everything that makes you feel save." "I don't have to get drunk to understand you, Dag." "Is there anything more surprising and comforting   than when the person who knows you best   is still prepared to love you for who you are?" "I raise my glass   to the most nontraditional romantic I know,   and his equally wonderful, irresistible Eva!" " Cheers for the bride and groom!" " Cheers!" "How about you?" "I wanted to wait until everyone was drunk." "But I forgot I'd have to speak after Ernst." " It isn't a competition." " It is." "And you know it." "Then don't speak." "You know me best." "You don't have to say anything." "I'm just glad you're here." "I have to say something." "If not for you, for me." "Thanks, Ernst." "Very reassuring." "You couldn't have drawn a bigger picture?" "I had to go for it." "You're never doing this again." "Are you OK?" "Yeah." "Well, as the only " " I was about to say "surviving"   relative of Dag's, I'd like to say something." "I feel I have to say this   because it's the right thing to do." "And that is ..." "I have to go to the bathroom." " Now?" " Yes." "I'll take you afterwards." "Let's listen to Aunt Marianne first." "Cheers." "Yeah." "Cheers." " Cheers." " Cheers." "Right, cheers." "Thank you." "Let's ..." "Come on, Leon." "I let him run around a little." "He was getting bored." "Hi there." "Just a little on top." "Thank you." "Did you know   10 % of all relationships start at weddings?" " No." " No?" "Think about that." "See you around." "Benedikt?" "You have two paralyzed women here, one pregnant,   as well as the mother of your child." "Isn't that enough?" " Do you want to add a 19-year-old?" " She had pretty eyes." "Cheers." "Have fun." "Well ..." "Dear Dag." "And Eva, of course." "Dear Eva." "I'm not very good at this either." "Speaking, that is." "So you'll just have to bear with me." "Some of you might also claim   that I'm not very good at relationships." "Right, Mia?" "Benedikt, you don't have to say anything." "But I know a great deal about having a friend." "And I have learned that from you." "I have known Dag since grade school." "He was in 9th, I was in 7th, and we were very different." "I wanted to play in a band, he wanted to listen to one." "I wanted to experience everything, Dag wanted to read everything." "I wanted to bring friends home, Dag wanted to go home." "We used to joke that we were   an odd version of Christopher Robin and Winnie the Pooh." "Later on, in puberty, when everything was difficult,   painful and confusing, we were both Eeyore." "And we would sit for hours and just talk." "Many great conversations." "Dag's room was on the second floor." "I sat in the apple tree outside." "So he could close the window whenever he wanted." "That was great." "The first time I dated Mia, I was 18." "A long time ago." "I remember sitting in the hall in your first apartment." "Listening to Tom Waits." ""Johnsburg, Illionois."" "And I told you I had met the woman of my life." "Dag asked if I was willing to scratch her name into my arm with a nail." "Like in the song lyrics." "I never did." "Which Mia is probably happy for today." "But I would scratch your name any day." "To remind me of who has been there for me." "And never let me down." "No mater how many asinine things I have done to other people." "And for that I am very grateful." "You are the most just and honest person I know." "You have the biggest heart of anyone I know." "And I've never seen you braver than you are today." "Now you're Christopher Robin." "So as you now leave the Hundred Acre Wood   and Winnie the Pooh waves goodbye, Christopher says to Pooh:" ""Promise you won't forget about me." "Not even when I'm a hundred."" "Pooh responds:" ""How old shall I be then?"" ""Ninety-nine."" "And Pooh nods and responds:" ""I promise."" "I promise." "You can come and play with me whenever you want." "So ..." "Let's start drinking!" "Let's drink before this turns into tears and nonsense." "Here's to the world's best friend and his bride." "Congratulations." "Cheers!" "A wonderful speech!" " We will all die one day." " But not any of the other days." "What's that?" " A kids' cocktail." " That's for you." "I find nothing more depressing   than a bride and groom who don't drink." "It's so sad!" "Wait till you get pregnant." "It may be sad, but it has a happy ending." "Now I feel faint." "Give me that booze." "OK, I guess it's my turn." "I would like to begin by thanking Ernst." "Who has guided us through this evening with a steady hand." "Any time." "But most of all I want to thank Marianne." "If it weren't for you, I would never have met Dag." "And we wouldn't be here today." "Thank you." "I may not have made it clear enough before,   but I promise you   that I will take care of your brother to the best of my ability." "Dag, we primarily have your friends,   your family and your colleagues here today." "But I still feel that we somehow are related, all of us." "They aren't your people, they're our people." "And for that I am very grateful." "I know you like to call yourself a hermit,   but you are the world's most socially generous hermit." "Your door is always open." "Though you don't let just anyone inside." "And I love you for that." "Before I met Dag, " " I had decided never to settle down with anyone." "I didn't see the point of committing to anything." "But it's different with you." "I don't want to live without you, Dag." "You are the man of my dreams." "And I hope you always will remain that same person." "Because that is who I love." "So I thought we could drink to the reason we all are here." "Cheers, honey." "And I have a present." "Or presents." "I have booked round-the-world-tickets   for us, including you, Leon." "We can jump off wherever we want, or,   if nothing is tempting enough, we can keep going all the way around." "I want you to experience something other than Norway and Legoland." " And this." " What is this?" "This is somewhere you can hide when life overwhelms you." "And then you can ..." " be left alone." "Masks are sexy." "We should try something like that." "What?" "I'm practicing living with three women." " Two of whom are paralyzed." " Hey!" " I'm sitting right here!" " I'm aware of that." "That's the father of my baby." "They may be paralyzed, but they still have feelings." "Don't soak the damn steering-wheel cover!" "I hope everyone is full and content." "But before we leave the table   we have one final speaker." "Dear everyone." "I am   the kind of guy who plans life to the smallest detail   in order to avoid surprises." "But I did not see this day coming." "We are married, Eva." "It's us now." "This is actually very simple." "I love you." "And the reason I want to marry you is to prove to you 100 %   that that is the case." "I have met hundreds of repentant newlyweds." "And many may think that's a good reason for us to think twice." "But I have also been around for 43 years." "And I've never met anyone who comes close to you." "You're not perfect,   but what I love about you is that you don't try to be." "Many people who get married think it indicates change." "But I prefer to think the opposite." "It's meant to freeze you in a state of something ... good." "And the feeling I get   when I watch you sleep,   or when you lie next to me,   is serenity." "I don't need a fanfare or any big deal." "It's enough for me to know you're there." "You and I are the kind of people who don't dare   let others get too close." "We don't dare fall in love." "Yet   here we are." "I'm sure this will also be painful from time to time." "But I don't care." "You make me feel alive." "God, you're beautiful!" "If you don't kiss me now, without that pillow, I'll lose it." "I have a little more to say." "Since you were so generous   with your gifts, I can't be any worse." "Here you go." "A cozy three-room apartment, ten minutes from my place." "A little bigger than mine, with a lovely view." "And a big back yard   where Leon and the new baby can play." "Have you really bought this?" "You're welcome." "A moving truck has already started removing   all of your and Leon's things." "And everything we bought while we lived together." "And I got you a great stereo, Leon." "With a record player." "It's already in your new room." "With the most important albums." "Here is the key." "Voilà." "I have paid the first three months' expenses." "In order to give you a head start." "What ..." "How ..." "What do you mean?" "You'll move in there and I'll stay where I am." "It's a win-win situation." "We'll still be married, of course." "And we can visit each other as often as we want." "If there's one thing I've learned from my profession,   it's that you need time and space for a relationship to work." "And as most of you know, I'm a man who needs a lot of time to myself." "And I would be blind   if I hadn't noticed your recent claustrophobia." "So now we can have it both ways." "We can build perfect homes." "And when we visit each other, often, that will also be perfect." "And I'll build a bunk bed in Leon's room, so there'll be room   for our new little rascal." "So if you want to go out for whatever reason, " " I can take care of the kids." "Because I will be home." "So ..." "What do you think?" "That is the best present anyone has ever given me!" "Fantastic!" "Can I hear a hallelujah?" "Hallelujah!" "Allow me to present " " Sister Rakel Magdalena's Choir of Wounded Souls." "No one was home." "I wanted to throw myself in her arms with gratitude." "Remember that I tend to get horny when I'm drunk?" "That's your straw talking." "Ernst?" "Have I ever told you   that your voice gets me extremely excited?" "I have a pile of books at my office " " I'd be glad to read to you." "That sounds like a fantastic idea." " How low can you go?" " As low as you want." " I may have to sleep with you twice." " Only once." "At least to begin with." "I'm just ..." " Why are you taking Viagra?" " I don't know." "Jesus made the lame walk with just his hands." "Imagine what I could do!" "What do you say, Mia?" ""Do you want me to plug it in?"" " You're sick, Benedikt!" " That's why you love me." "Bye." "Bye." " Bye, Leon." " Bye." " See you tomorrow." " See you tomorrow." "Come on in." "Now what?" "That waitress." "Wow."