"Hey, Major, let me see that x-ray." "Yeah, OK." "Thank you." "Thank you!" "Come on, you little bugger." "Ah!" "Gotcha." "Thanks to my experience as pick-up-sticks champion of Maine." "Now you can identify us to your lawyer." "Uh, can I have that bullet, Doc?" "A souvenir." "I had a buyback deal with the sniper, but all right." "Well... a little thing like this is not gonna keep me off the line." "Frank, that's Colonel Buzz Brighton!" "I saw his picture in Stars and Stripes." " Oh, a colonel." " Yeah." " I didn't know we were carving on a full bird." " We should've used something imported." "Save that stuff for the sick guys." "When that local wears off, you're gonna feel somethin'." "Come by the Swamp for homemade painkiller." " The Swamp?" " Yeah, our tent." "Just knock on the "condemned" sign and come in." "Careful." "Somebody's liable to trip over your tongue." " Ooh... wow." "That's great gin." " That's because it's aged." "It's been cooking since 8am." " Can I get you a refill?" " No, I'll get it." "You better use this cane." "You don't wanna overwork that leg." "I don't wanna baby it, either." "It's not the first slug I've picked up." "I noticed." "You got more stitches in your butt than a sampler." "All right, come on." "When can I get back to my men?" "Couple of days." "Take it easy." "Mental rest is important." "Don't put me in the league with the battle fatigue phoneys." "That's yelling "chicken"." "I've heard of anxiety and overexposure to stress." "I don't believe Freud mentioned "chicken"." "Do you, Doctor?" "I believe once." "In describing his mother's soup." "Look, all I wanna do is get back to my outfit." "This war is not gonna wait because I'm sidetracked." "I'll bet it got slowed down a little, though." "Every time you get a wild hare and yell "charge", our surgery's standing room only." "Casualties are part of the game." "It costs a few men to take a hill." "That's the price." " Some real estate doesn't come cheap." " We're not too hot for your business." "Taking care of your outfit is like making a house call at Custer's Last Stand." " You guys are really civilians." " Right down to our yellow bellybuttons." "You got your whole lives to perfect your trade." "I'm an army officer." " And this war is not gonna last for ever." " Well, no war's perfect." "I got a certain amount of time to knock off a couple of thousand gooks, turn a lot of boys into men, and make a few points for myself." "With time left over to divide the Red Sea." "I'll leave that for the marines." "Oh..." "Thanks for the hooch." "I shall go out and get myself a little exercise here." "I'll see ya." "Right..." "Whaddaya say we put the bullet back in his leg?" "Oh, he's a beauty." " We got us a "ring banger"." " A "what banger"?" "Didn't you see how he kept banging his ring on the chair?" "Yeah." "A reminder that he's a quarterback and we're water boys." "I got a feeling he wouldn't be so tall if he weren't standing on so many bodies." "Whaddaya say we try to keep Buzz around for a while?" " I got the information." " You're a model of sneakiness." "My friend at Walter Reed says Colonel Brighton's physicals have been perfect." "Let me see that." "That's disgusting." "He's so fit, he'll be in good health two years after he's dead." "Look at this West Point info." "Guess what he broke." " His back?" " His front?" "The all-time record for never being on sick call." "Terrific." "And will you look at this?" "He's racked up twice as many casualties as any other commander, while only gaining half the ground." "He oughta come outta the game for a while." "Why don't we gift-wrap a few dysentery terms for him?" " Is Colonel Blake in?" " No, sir." "He's in his tent, sir." " Morning, Frank." " Wouldn't you like to know!" "The problem is in Buzz's mind." "That's where we oughta strike." " Homemade battle fatigue." " A karate chop to his reality." "What are you guys building?" "Even if I knew, I wouldn't tell you." " But, sir..." " Oh!" "Ouch!" "Oh, my ear!" " Is there any blood?" " For Pete's sake, you're a doctor." "Listen." "I could paint a barn with someone else's blood." "I just can't stand to see my own." "I was in the operating room." "It was an excision of a bullet." "No post-op infection, no fracture, no reason for him to be here." "Except maybe he's become a drinking buddy of Pierce and McIntyre." "Last night they filled a bucket with gin, and were bobbing for olives." " You want to see me, Lieutenant?" " I'm leaving to pick up supplies in Seoul." " Would you like to approve my requisition?" " I certainly would." " Excuse me, Frank." " Of course." "Make sure the sardines are boneless and the peanut butter's chunky." "If they're outta cheese balls, get some smoked oysters." "Can I kiss your ear and make it better?" "Not in front of, uh, El Jerko..." "Yes." "Yes, sir!" "Carry on, Lieutenant." " Now then, Frank?" " About Colonel Brighton." "Pierce and McIntyre might be..." "Frank Burns is giving Henry a hard time about your patient" " Colonel Brighton." "Oh, yeah?" "Well, thanks, Leslie." " There'll be something under your pillow." " Me." "If you're unhappy, Frank, examine Brighton yourself." "I can?" "How can I ever thank you, sir?" " Try leaving." " Yes, sir!" "Will the owner of a red pick-up truck," "Illinois licence LU6751, please fly back to Chicago and remove it from in front of the Y." " Buzz?" " 48. 49. 50." " I feel great." " I was afraid of that." "Absence of pain." "Could be inflammation of the femur." "Could cause paraesthesia." "Or thrombophlebitis." "With an extension of the femoral vessels resulting in a pulmonary embolism." " What?" " X-rays don't lie, Buzz." "Buzz, we've been goin' over your whole history, and we think we should keep you around for observation." " No way!" " It's the best thing to do." "They'll put someone else in charge of my outfit." "We've considered that possibility." "Mind if I get a second opinion, talk to Colonel Blake?" " Henry?" " Yeah." "Oh, well, uh, that's a good idea." "He's terrific." "If you catch him early enough in the day." " What do you mean?" " He slips away once in a while and..." " He's a boozer, uh?" " No need to whisper." "Everybody knows." " It's a tragedy." " Yeah." "Henry could've been head surgeon at Walter Reed." "But, uh, well, he was swacked when he did an appendectomy on a general's wife." "Hell of a way to take out her adenoids." "Well, what about, uh..." "what's-his-name, Burns?" "He's a major." "No offence, but you guys are just captains." "Oh, I get your point." "Yeah, Frank is a... terrific officer and a great doctor." "That's good enough for me." "That other thing doesn't matter." "What other thing?" "Well, uh..." " I don't think we should say." " No." "He never got caught." "Doing what?" "Well, it's not Frank's fault he showed up at an air raid in high heels." " Do you mean that he's a..." " But a fine doctor." "And a great nurse." "A major?" " Drop by later for a drink?" " What?" "Oh." "Yeah." "Colonel Brighton." "I've been looking all over for you." "I want to give you a checkup, see about getting you on your way." "Uh-huh." "Just let me get comfy here." "Whose are those?" "Pierce and McIntyre, they bring nurses here, those degenerates." " You think that they're degenerates?" " It really makes no nevermind." "Now..." "I want to feel your leg." "It feels fine." "What are you trying to do?" " Take your pulse." " Can't you do it without touching me?" " Well, Colonel, I..." " Now look." "Forget it." "Afternoon, Colonel." "Your laundry, sir." "Thank you." "I..." " This stuff belongs to Colonel Blake." " A little small, don't you think?" "Oh, they're not his." "No, they belong to a nurse "friend" of his." "Another one of those degenerates?" "I didn't say that, Colonel." "I..." "Buzz, how's it going?" "I just had a close call with Burns." "You sure were right about him." " Oh, I'm sorry." " Listen." "You've gotta get me outta here." "We're doing our best." "Any time a body has been opened surgically, there's a shock to the system." "Kind of a head lag." "Your thigh is fine, because you're not suffering any leg lag." "How long?" "Couple of days?" "Tops." "Until you're yourself again." "I am myself!" "What are you talking about?" "Buzz?" "Where are you going?" " To my tent." " This is your tent." "No, this is my tent." "I remember it, because that's where the PA speaker was." " You'll be OK." " That Burns character got to me." "See, Buzz?" "This is your sack." "And here is all your gear." "Yeah." "Right." " Take it easy." " Why don't you lie down a while?" "You got no place to go." "Relax." "Finish your milk." "What milk?" "The milk you made such a fuss about getting." "Oh." "See you later, Buzz, huh?" "Take a nice nap, OK?" "Can we go to your tent, please?" "I've got something I want you to see." "They all break in the end." " You'll have to excuse how the place looks." " Yeah, the painters really left a mess." "I've just gone over Colonel Brighton's file." "X-rays, the works." "He's 100% fit." "Why are you keeping him here?" "Look, do you want us to ruin this guy's career?" "Put down what's really wrong on his record?" " Is that what you want?" " What are you talking about?" "What am I talking about?" "What am I talking about?" "Well, um... sometimes a wound can trigger a bigger problem beneath the surface." "That's what I'm talking about!" "Buzz Brighton has lost all confidence in himself." " Not just as an officer." "As a man." " This morning there were tears on his pillow." "The bigger they are, you know." "More than once they found Patton sobbing inside his tank." "I never dreamed..." "Everybody thinks he's a tower of strength." "But inside that colonel there's a private that needs to be cuddled and held, just like the rest of us." "Ah, nobody cares." "I want to thank you both for setting me straight." "Hi, Frank." " Want me to do your back?" " No, thanks, Mr Wisenheimer." "We got a poker game in the Swamp." "We'll try to finish before you get back." "I know you like your beauty rest." "Oh, I'm not going anywhere tonight." "I thought you had a date with Hot Lips." "Uh..." "Major Houlihan." "I do not." "I saw her getting spiffed up." "Thought you two were gonna tiptoe through the minefield." " Spiffed up?" " Yeah, hairdos, nail polish." "Never mind!" "What the major does is her own business." "After all, her affairs are her own affairs." "Not that I mean to imply that she has any." "I don't go sticking my nose into her hairdos." "And you would do very well to keep your stories to yourself and mind your own beeswax!" "Take it easy, Frank." "You're getting yourself into a lather." "Margaret, who are you seeing?" "And where?" "It's him, isn't it?" "Buzz!" "One look at his thigh and you went crazy!" " Frank!" " Just because he is strong and muscular..." "You're a pushover for powerfully built guys." " It's nothing like that." " Then why the new hairdo and..." " And the perfume, and..." " Frank, don't sniff." " Oh, Margaret." " Frank..." " You're dripping on my foot." " I was just in the shower, and I..." "You can't just come in here dripping and sniffing!" "Would you promise me there's nothing between you and the colonel?" "Nothing!" "And that's an order!" "Oh, Margaret." "Oh, Frank." " Remember Major Houlihan?" " The blonde." "She'll be around later to check you out." "It's very important." "After we sign your release, she also has to sign you out." " She's good-looking." " You should see her in a sweater!" "She'll melt your helmet line." " Passionate!" " Her lips are set at automatic pucker." " That's very good." " Listen..." " Now this should be very interesting." " She really simmers, our Hot Lips." " You call her Hot Lips?" " And not because she's left-handed." " Thanks for clueing me in." " Oh, there's only one thing, Buzz." " She and Colonel Blake..." " The boozer?" "Hey, I'm glad you told me." "Uh, where you going?" "I'm going to my, uh... tent." "Are you certain that I have to be checked out for small-arms proficiency?" "Yes, sir." "It's something new." "It's probably on account of the war." " It's in these new orders." " Never mind." "I mean, it just seems funny they say do it at night." " It's night fighting." "There's a lot of it." " I'm a doctor." "I don't go running arou..." "It's necessary if you expect to collect your $325 pistol allowance." "Well... for that kind of money, I guess I can take a shot in the dark." "Oh, that's probably a joke, isn't it, sir?" " Anybody home?" " What's up?" "Can I keep this bottle here?" "Nothing's safe in the Swamp." " Key's in the desk." " Thank you." "You wouldn't like a shot, would you?" "It's a little nippy out." "The temperature's dropped to almost 98." "Well, maybe a wee dram." "Here's looking up your old address." "Colonel, I'm Margaret Houlihan." "Uh, nice of you to drop by, Major." "I'm not here as an officer." "Or as a nurse." "I'm here as a woman who sees you not only as a warrior but as a man." "Thank you." "A very exciting man." "Buzz, I want to help you." "The only help I need, Major, would be to get a release so I can get back to the front." "But we want to send you back confident and strong." "I know you're worried about this thigh." "You want it to be as strong as this one." " Major..." " Margaret." "Major Margaret." "Uh... now, just do..." "nothing to worry about." "I'm not worried." "I'm gonna sit here, relax, and be quiet." "And drink my milk." "Now this is really the last one, Pierce, because I have got to shoot some targets." "And I didn't even know they were in season." " Easy." "Easy." "I'm only human." " You don't have to be human with me." " Colonel?" "It's Frank Burns." " Why can't he leave me alone?" "Colonel?" "Don't say I'm here." "Colonel, are you alone?" " He can't keep his hands off me." " I know you're there." "He what?" "!" " Time for target practice." " Gotta get out there." "OK." "Don't move, Korea." "This is a stick-up." " See you down the road." " OK." "You're due on the range." "# Where the deer and the antelope play" " # Where seldom is heard..." " Right this way, sir." " # A discouraging word..." " Yes, sir." "After you, sir." " Thank you." " You're welcome." " Margaret!" " Oh, Frank!" " Colonel Brighton!" " Be careful, he's jealous." "Why should he be?" "I don't belong to him." "You rat!" "What's going on?" "Colonel, look, I'm sorry." "I didn't know he was your girl." " What?" " I didn't know she was your girl." " We wanted to ask your advice..." " You're drunk!" "That's a dirty lie." "And I intend to press charges... the minute I'm sober." "Don't get in a beef because of me." " Colonel..." " Get your hands off me!" "Keep your hands off me!" "Keep your hands off!" "No examination!" "I know how I am and where I am." "I'm here." "I am here and this is my tent because that is my milk!" "Yes, sir." "Henry?" "Don't you think you better get out on the range?" "Me, too." "Oh, Colonel..." "Don't shoot!" "Give him a chance, Henry." "He's half out of his head with battle fatigue." "Right?" " The ambulance is outside." " Why don't we go outside?" "Communication's very important." "See you in the trenches." " What is the matter with him?" " Henry, he just needs a little rest." "Sign this, sir." "Am I signing?" " Yes." " Something good?" "You're sending Buzz home to cool off for a couple of months." "He'll need more than that." "Oh." "OK." "Now then, what about the old target practice?" " You got eight outta ten." " I did?" "!" "You just missed out on your $325 pistol allowance." "Oh, darn it!" "What say we go back to the Swamp?" " Yeah, a little nightcap." " I would love to, fellas." "But I'm on duty." "Carry on." " You're getting better." " I live for when you're outta my life!" " Don't let them get to you." " Just trying to brighten things up." "You're maniacs, you and your friend!" "Both of you!" "I don't know which one of you is sicker!" "I'd like just the tip of it off, and turned up at the end." "You know, the Dick Haymes look." "Oh, you!"