"Now, this is a stylish clock." "Yeah, it's stylish." "You'd love to have a handsome carriage clock like this." "Yeah..." "I mean, yeah!" "And it's yours to keep even if you don't take the policy." "Have you got a pen?" "." "Thanks." "What I'm sensing is some anxiety here." "If you do take the policy with its very affordable premiums, a portable hi-fi with minidisc player is yours, absolutely free." "Absolutely free!" "I don't know." "I mean, I don't need insurance." "You?" "." "Captain Titanic?" "." "This is the man who broke his arm in an Ear, Nose and Throat Clinic!" "If you fell down dead tomorrow, what would you have to leave your wife, Eileen?" "." "The clock!" "Yes, but is it insured?" "." "Who knows what the future holds?" "." "Your insurance sounds great." "So my friend is covered under every eventuality?" "." "Yes, that's right." "Yes, that's right." "What if an asteroid hit the Earth?" "." "It's got a snooze function..." "What?" "." "There's an asteroid headed this way." "It was in that film" " Deep Impact." "You remember!" "That was a film." "That wasn't real." "You're getting it confused with what happened afterwards." "We came out of the Odeon cinema and this great big O crashed down and missed me by that much." " That's lucky." " No, I was right next to him!" " It hit me right on the head!" " With our comprehensive policy, you'll be covered for the asteroid and the crashing O." "Yeah, but what if it hit your offices as well as me?" "." "I mean, I'd be shafted and flattened at the same time!" "We have offices all round the world." "Do they all have the minidisc player?" "." "I think the Tokyo office has a minidisc player with FM radio and...volume." "Volume...?" "." "It's no good 'cause I don't speak Japanese." " Do you mind if I ask...?" "." " Not at all." "He's 36 years old." " How old are you?" "." " I'm 36." " He's 36." " That's funny." "I'm 36, too." "And I'm 36 as well." "I'm 36!" "Well, I think you and I have got a lot in common." "Don't you like insurance salesmen either?" "." " I mean, with the same..." "Aaagh!" " What's the matter?" "." "Sorry." "I get this sort of pain right here." " I get that." " Really?" "." "What's it like?" "." " A tight kind of pain." " A tight pain." "Aagh!" "Does it stab?" "." "Oh..." "No." "No, mine doesn't either." "No." "Sometimes it's more...more loose." "A tight pain that doesn't stab and sort of loose." " Do your ears sting as well?" "." " Not usually." "Ow!" "Now you come to mention it, yeah!" "I've got it now a bit." " Have you?" "." " Yeah." " Where?" "." "Sort of there?" "." " Yeah." "But does it...?" "." " Yes!" " Yes." " Yes." " Yes." "(THEY ALL SHOUT IN PAIN)" "One, two, three, four, five!" "One, two, three, four, five!" "One, two, three, four, five!" "One, two, three, four, five!" "CPR - one, two, three, four, five!" "Yes." "We've got much more in common than I thought." " Sorry, what's your name again?" "." " Lee." "That was my father's name!" "His full name was Ali Abou Habazar, but they called him Lee Davies at the sweatshop." " Aaagh!" "God!" " What d'you mean WAS his name?" "." "He was 36." "Started off with a tight, loose pain." "He left two orphans and a widow." "If only Daddy had taken out some insurance!" "He'd have got a free clock." "Remember, if you do take the policy, with its affordable premiums, a portable hi-fi with minidisc player is yours." "It's got a snooze function." "It was three days ago." "I ain't put a bet on anything since then." "Well, apart from the Lottery and the pools, obviously." "Raymond?" "." "With me, it's collecting things." " What sort of things?" "." " Everything." "I filled the bedroom with cereal packets when my last wife left me." " Cereal packets?" "." " Only the ones with animals on." "I got that one with the tiger with the red bow-tie on 300 times, all in beautiful condition." " I wrote to the Antiques Roadshow." " To get your cereal packets on?" "." "No, I've started collecting their replies." "I've got 37 now." "Heather?" "." "Well, I collect things compulsively as well." "Bills!" "I've got the lot - Harvey Nichols, Nicole Farhi..." "Even French Connection sometimes." " I do hope you can help me." " I hope so, Heather." "Hal?" "." "My name's Hal and I'm a sex addict." "(APPLAUSE)" " Not another one!" " What do you mean, "Another one"?" "." "You haven't signed up for any more insurance companies?" "." "Ken's the best!" "No." "I don't want to rush in and end up with the wrong one!" "I used to say that about men." "At least you get a free clock out of it." "The free gifts have nothing to do with it?" "." "I'll put the kettle on." "Which one?" "." "That's for conservatories, that's garage doors and that one was Jehovah's Witnesses!" " Keep them in your bedroom." " I can't." "It's full of percolators!" "Percolators?" "." "I'm thinking about the stairlift next." "You never know." "And that funny little Noddy car that Dora Bryan gets into and has a bath." "It's weird!" "You can't keep all your weird collections down here." "I'm 26 years old, you know!" "All right, I'm 36!" "Time is slipping away." "It certainly is!" "You just lost ten years!" "I don't want clocks taunting me in the morning." "Tick-tock, tick-tock!" "I don't need torment." "I need my Special K!" "Come on, we've got tea to make." "Hal is here!" " Hal?" "." " Hal?" "." " I mean, how old are you?" "." " 32." "I'm 32 as well." "That's amazing." "I met him at a meeting." " What meeting's this?" "." " Group therapy." "I'm helping him." " What for?" "." " (He's a sex addict.)" " What?" "." " (Sex addiction.)" "I can't hear you." " He's got a sex addiction!" " No wonder YOU'RE helping him!" "The lucky so-and-so!" "He doesn't look it, does he, eh?" "." "Tea, tea, tea, tea." "There you go." "Stu, help us out." "That's it." " One more?" "." " Yeah." "That's it, that's it." "Right..." "Yes, that's there, that's there." "Yes, yes, yes." "Right, yes, yes." "Yes, yes." "All right, yes." "At the third stroke, the time will be 11.38 and 50 seconds." "(PIPS)" "At the third stroke, the time will be 11.39 precisely." "(PIPS)" "I 've had the third stroke, mate!" "More clocks, eh, Lee?" "." "She told you to get rid of them." " No." " She'll kill you." "Yeah, well, I was just trying to get them organised..." "What's that?" "." "A little present." " For me?" "." " Hmm." " What's wrong?" "." " Nothing." "I just thought you might like it." "Let's have a look." "Wow!" "Eminem sings The Carpenters!" "And it sounds even better on a minidisc system." "I do not have a minidisc system." "You would if you were insured." "I don't like insurance." "I don't like the salesmen." "They're so persistent." "You know why?" "." "They're just after their commission, that's what!" "Like with my car insurance." "I had it nicked, they smashed the windows and scratched the paintwork." "I said to the insurance bloke," ""OK, I'll sign up." "Now leave the car alone!"" "It's Eileen's birthday soon." "What's that got to do with anything?" "." "Can you imagine her lovely little Irish face when you show her this?" "." "She'll think, "He's insured." ""He's got a minidisc system." "He must be doing OK." ""And he's thinking about us and the future."" "Lee..." "It's ringing." "Hello." "Can I speak to..." "Ken, please?" "." "Mmm?" "." "What do you mean - too late?" "." "Eh?" "." "Oh, well, um..." "Was he insured?" "." "I suppose he would have been." "Yes, 36, I know." "Yes, um..." "Thank you very much." "Thank you." "What did Ken have to say?" "." "Not much." "What's the matter with you?" "." "A tight, loose pain." "A non-stabbing sort of pain." "I don't feel well." " Ken's d-d-d..." " What?" "." " D-d-d-d..." " He's decorating?" "." "No!" " Desperate?" "." "Desmond Dekker?" "." " No!" "No!" " Decimus Maximus?" "." "Dead?" "." " Dead!" " Tight, loose pain!" " Oh, God!" "You're not insured." "Go and see a doctor!" "Yes, yes, yes." "Doctor, doctor." "Yes, yes, yes." "Doctor, doctor." "What if I 'm...?" "." "Should I go to the insurance office first or the doctor's?" "." "Do both." "Both, both, both, both." "Both, both." "Both?" ".!" "You have to have a medical for the insurance policy." " Get insured." "See their doctor." "Go!" " I will!" " Life insurance, is it?" "." " Yes." "I wouldn't worry." "You won't be here very long." "You can tell just by looking at me vest?" "." "No, you have the appearance of a man in rude health." "So did Ken." "Teach him to catch a frisbee in his teeth, he could've advertised Winalot!" "Same symptoms he had." "And now he's..." "You know..." "Ding-dong!" "(SCREECHING)" ""What do you want?" "' "Tonight, Matthew, I'm gonna be..."" "Oh, he's dead?" "." " Yes, dead." " He had symptoms?" "." "What symptoms?" "." " A tight, loose pain." " A tight, loose pain?" "." " Where?" "." " It started off in the lounge." " Oh!" " What's the matter?" "." "I haven't got any pain now." "I've got like a no-pain pain." "Oh...!" "Give us your form." "Let me fill it in quick." ""No." "Yes." "Yes." "No." ""Twice a week." "Once a year." ""Not since my honeymoon."" "Can I have my minidisc player?" "." "I'm dying!" "I'll be the judge of that." "Relax." "Do you smoke or drink?" "." "No, but you carry on." "I'm in a rush." "No, I meant..." "I'm going to need a urine sample." "You can go behind that screen there." "Can't I have a container like everybody else?" "." "There are several containers behind that screen." "Oh." "You had me going there for a minute!" "Yes, there are." "Can you find it?" "." "I'm 36, mate." "I think I know where to look for it by now!" "I can't do it with you listening." "I have no interest in listening to you." "I need to ask you questions about your family history." "Is your father still alive?" "." "Just a moment." "I'm not quite sure." "Me mum never lets him get to the phone." "What about your grandparents?" "." "No, they never answer the phone." " And they wouldn't hear it ringing." " They're deaf?" "." "No, they're dead." "With a "d", not a "f"." " Bring that out when you finish." " I'll be out in a couple of shakes." "Yes, I only needed that much." "Oh, well, that should keep you going for a while." " Could you lie down up there?" "." " On there?" "." " Yeah." " No!" "No!" "No!" "I'd rather stay here." "That's minor." "I don't want to get into major." "I'll stay local." "I don't want to go general." "I'll stay in out-patients." "I'm just going to listen to your chest." " It's comfortable." " Are you sure?" "." " Yeah." " OK, OK." "It's cold, isn't it?" "." " Yes." "I'll just raise you up." " Thank you very much." " Oh!" "That's nice." " Yes." "Now, then, if you just breathe in deeply..." "Yes." "Oh!" "No..." "Mr Evans, this cost thousands of pounds." "Don't play with it." " It's my back." " Let me just listen to your chest." "Hold on." "I've got it, I've got it." " I've got it!" " It's not working!" "If you want me to do that again, I don't think I will." "No, no." "I've got plenty, thank you." " Are you all right?" "." " No, I've got a tight, loose pain." "Lie there, mate." "I know exactly how you feel." "Is it just about here?" "." " Yes." " You lie down." " All right, get the nurse." " Yes, yes." "There you go." " Just get the nurse." "I'll be OK." " Yes, the nurse." "Aagh!" "Mr Evans!" "If you sign here and here, you'll be fully covered." "OK." "Right, then." "That's you officially insured." " Great." " At the increased premium." "Increased premium?" "." "Our doctor reckons you're a bigger risk than we thought." "After what you did to his surgery, you're deemed as a greater liability." "He thinks you're a raving lunatic, a maniac." "We're not the sort of office that can afford to take risks." "I can't afford this!" "I'll see Ken very soon." "He had the same as me." " Poor old Ken who died so..." " Morning." "Good morning, Ken..." "That was him just then." "Oh, my God, I'm not dead already, am I?" "." "My life's flashing before my eyes." "Aagh!" "Stuart!" "What are you doing here?" "." " What are you doing here?" "." " Why isn't Ken dead?" "." "I can't believe it!" "You always want something out of me." " An overweight leech with hair!" " That's not true." "Yes, it is." "All those years ago, you banged on our door. "Is Lee coming out?" "'" "You only wanted my bat." ""Let's play hide-and-seek," you said." "I hid and you naffed off and played cricket with the other kids!" "All afternoon I hid in that rubbish chute." "What a way to spend your 21st birthday!" " How much are you getting?" "." " I was thinking about your future." "Yes, I bet you were (!" ") How much are you getting?" "." "Don't think about me." "Think about yourself." "Don't you nause it up for me...!" "I'm getting 10%%%." "10%?" "." "You'll be rich enough to pay off your insurance premium." "I didn't even get me minidisc player!" " You're insured, aren't you?" "." " Yeah." " Against accidents." " So?" "." "Most accidents occur in the home." "What happens to you when you have an accident?" "." " I wash me underwear." " Not that kind of an accident!" "I'll demonstrate." "(KNOCKS ON DOOR)" "Come in." "(KNOCKS ON DOOR)" "I said, "Come in!"" "Now, that's why I said all accidents occur at home." "All you have to do is go down to the insurance building and they'll give you a huge great lump." " I'm gonna have a lump somewhere." " That's why you must have accidents." "You want me to have an accident?" "." "Lee, you're entitled." "I want you to treat yourself." "I'm gonna make sure you have one." "You really mean it, don't you?" "." "You've been figuring out ways I can knacker myself!" "Lee, your injuries mean everything to me." " Yeah?" "." " Hmm." "I'm sorry." "I'm welling up here." " You could lose an ear." " I don't want to lose an ear." "I want to be able to wear me sunglasses in the summer!" "It's for your own good." "You'll arrange for me to have an accident for the insurance just so I can pay back the insurance and you'll get your cut for selling me the insurance?" "." " Yeah." " That's very clever, Stu." "Think nothing of it." "But if I make a claim, my insurance goes up." "I can't afford that." "Lee, just keep having more and more accidents." "Oh, nearly!" "# It started with a kiss In the back row of the classroom" "# How could I resist...?" "#" "It's very hot in here." "Is it?" "." "I hadn't noticed." "Why don't you take off that great big chunky sweater?" "." " Heather..." " Yeah?" "." " I'm so glad I met you." " Really?" "." " You've changed my life." " Have I?" "." " Completely." " Have an oyster." "No, thanks." "All the time I was on the lookout for, you know, meaningless sex." " Yeah." " It was tyranny." "I was sex mad." "You can't imagine what that's like." "I'm having a good try." " It was hell." " Hell, yes." " But now I've met you..." " Yes?" "." "I never think of sex at all." "Stu!" "Stu!" "That's it." "From now on, I'm having no more insurance." "Stu?" "." "Stu?" "." "Stu?" "." "What's going on?" "." "Why are you wearing a crash helmet?" "." " You idiot." "I'm not insured!" " What?" "." "I cancelled it!" "Ring an ambulance!" "We'll ring the office and get you reinsured." "What time is it?" "." " It's, uh..." " "What time is it"?" ".!" "Sorry." "You can stick your insurance policy, mate!" "I'm sorry about all that and the clocks..." "I've just spent 50 on tickets for Starlight Express." "I was going to take Hal, but he's met someone else and he's got engaged." "Who to...?" "." "Ken." "They've run off to Bruges." "He said he was sex mad." "When he wasn't, I thought it was me." "I should've realised." "He knew all the words to Miss Saigon." "You never know straight away." "The insurance company turned out to be a bunch of crooks." "Scaring me, pretending to be dead..." "It was like The Sixth Sense down that office!" "Peace of mind, they said." "Since being insured, I've had two ulcers and a rash the size of Acton!" "I told them." ""I'm no longer insured," I said." ""This is how I feel about your insurance policy!" ""What do you say to that, then?" "'" "You just tore up my theatre tickets."