"MUSIC:" "Flagpole Sitta by Harvey Danger" "I'm not sick but I'm not well" "And I'm so hot" "Cos I'm in hell" "'Shoes." "The boringest purchase." "If only Sophie was here." "'We could horse around and spray suede protector about." "'Come on, Mark, it's Sophie and Jeff now." "That's fine, it's not Armageddon." "'Relax." "Live a little." "Could get brown brogues." "'Best stick to black." "Don't want to go completely mental.'" "Can I help you?" "Oh." "Yeah." "Thanks." "I'm after some shoes." "I did think brown brogues, but I'd look like a spiv." "'Spiv?" "Of course, because this is 1942 Come on, she's only a nice girl.'" "Say which ones, cos one time I recommended shoes, the person tried them on and they didn't look good, but then they bought them and I felt bad." "Sorry, you didn't need to know that." "No, it's fine." "I was thinking black, size eight." "But broad." "I have a broad foot." "Yeah?" "Doesn't feel so broad." "But you know how broad they are!" "No, I just thought they were broad." "'Keep feeling my foot." "Please.'" "If we were using Ancient Egyptian measurements," "I'd say it was about a fifth of a cubit, or one hand." "Your foot's a hand." "Sorry, that's the geekiest joke." "No, I thought it was funny." "I like Ancient Egypt, too." "OK, I'll get you a couple of pairs." "'Knows about cubits, not comfortable in her own skin." "She's one of me!" "'" "So, Hans - old issue, I know, but the band name." "It's a statement, but what does the statement... mean?" "There you go." "Free munchies." " Did you just nick this?" " Course." "They should pay me to eat this shit." "Free chocco." "Mm, tasty." "The secret ingredient is crime." "So, Jez, you know Pete Preston's outfit, the Executioner's Bong?" " Yeah, bunch of wankers." " Exactly." "They want me to front them for a couple of gigs." "What?" "I'm gonna have to quit Coming Up For Blair." "You can't be in two bands - Tom Petty tried that." "Nearly killed him." "What about me?" "And you owe me for the computery thing we don't know how to work." "Maybe I can get you in on... maracas." "I won't be Bez." "I wanna be in there on merit." "You won't make it on merit." "Just get me in." "Then we'll see about merit." "'It's cool." "I'm not a stalker." "I thank shop girls with chocolates." "'I just happened to pop by a few days later to let her know I've broken them in." "That's my line.'" " Excuse me." " Yes, sir?" "I'm looking for April." "I'm a friend and..." "You're a friend of April's?" "No, but obviously April's at university now." "Of course." "Of course she is." "We were talking about that." "OK, thanks." "'Do a Columbo." "Do a Columbo.'" "Just... remind me, which university has April gone to?" "Dartmouth." "Dartmouth." "Of course." "Dartmouth." "Thanks." "'Good old Columbo." "Just the one technique, but shits on Quincy.'" "Yup, going on tour, baby." "The important thing is..." "I'm not Bez." "Excellent, baby!" "What's a bez?" "Oh, er, Bez in American..." "He's like..." "You know Flavor Flav from Public Enemy?" "No." "Well, he's like him." "But with maracas." "Right." "Hey, Jez is going on a nationwide music tour!" "Three dates across the south coast, 100 quid a gig." "You do the math." "So you're all piling round in a van?" "Well, I'll be going by National Express." "You can't make a van bigger than it is." "No matter how much I or anyone else may wish it were a bit... bigger." "You do the math." " S. Math-s." "Where are you going?" "All the biggies." "Southampton, Dartmouth, Plymouth." "I wish I wasn't working." "I'd love to see the English Riviera." " Dartmouth?" " The very student union where we met." "Cool." "'This isn't stalking." "I want to support Jez.'" " So, they good, this band?" " Bunch of wankers." "I'd love to come, then." "I bet you don't get these in the van." "Air on or off." "How long does it take again?" "Just eight and three-quarter hours." "Wicked." "Thank God we're not in the van." "I can't believe we're going back to Dartie." " There's no quim likes to party" " Like the quim down in Dartie" "Those were the days." "Did you ever appeal about your degree mark?" "Who cares about that shit?" "I didn't go to university to get a degree." "No." "Of course." "No use regretting the past." "I wish I'd done Ancient History..." "I thought you did." "I did Business Studies, Jeremy, for three years." " And I talked to you about it daily." " Right." "'I could say it's all ancient history now." "He wouldn't like it.'" "Well, it's all ancient history now." "'Ha!" "I'm gonna razz those fuckers.'" "Mark, look, it's Super Hans and the band." " 'You've reached the voicemail of..." " Super Hans." "'Please leave a message.'" "That guy." "I love that guy." "That is so funny." "'You won't be laughing so hard when the loan repayments kick in, buddy." "'I suppose you can always defer." "'Showtime. "Just swinging through town, thought I'd check what's hot at the Arts Fac."" "'After she's thrown up, we can go for a pizza." "I think that's her!" "'" "H..." "Hello?" "Hi." "Sorry." "Hello?" "'Shit!" "Where's she going?" "'I'm not licensed to be in this far." "I'm following her!" "Shit!" "'What am I gonna do next, take secret photos and lie masturbating in my own filth?" "'" "Sorry, do I recognise you?" "Er, the... shoe shop?" "Black brogues." "I thought I was broad-footed, you felt otherwise." "Wow!" "What are you doing here?" "Sorry, you're obviously a student." "Are you doing history too?" "Er... yeah." " Wow." "Who's your tutor?" " Professor..." "MacLeish." "You're here for the tutorial." "Sorry." "I'm a bit slow." "They'll soon knock that out of me." "Along with any individuality." "Not that I've got any." "OK." "Come on." "After you." "'Why am I walking into the jaws of death?" "'They're best avoided, that's common knowledge.'" "Yes." "So." "Here we are." "Another exciting trawl down the vista of history." "There is no new history, only new historians." "Ha, ha." "Were you here last week?" "Me?" "'This is my moment of madness, my Clapham Common.'" "Er, no." "I'm..." "I'm new." "I'm mature." "I went to Coventry for a week in error." "Lovely." "Destroyed in the war." "Obviously." "There was a mix-up." "I'm not on the forms but I'm... here now." "Well, obviously." "Fine." "What did you make of it?" "'Is that how easy it is to steal some education?" "'Bloody hell!" "Who's in charge?" "'The world's just people going into rooms and saying things?" "It's all a swizzle?" "'" "I thought there were contradictions." "They suggested Christ's Galilee was culturally Roman." "Not that old fallacy?" "The Romans didn't station a legion in Galilee till, what, 130 AD?" "Yes, indeed." "But I suppose all research funding leads to Rome." "What was your name again?" "Corrigan." "Mark Corrigan." "'I'm doing it, Dad." "I'm studying Ancient History and there's not a thing you can do!" "'" "'I'll give them a hand." "Not that I'm a roadie." "I'm just helping out." "'I bet Ringo had to carry stuff." "Not that I'm anything like Ringo.'" "Are you in Executioner's Bong?" "I sure am, little lady." " Would you sign this?" " Fuck, yeah." "Jez, when you've finished that, could you get us six lattes?" "That is so Pete." "Fuck off, Pete." "It's just a..." "little thing we have going." "You've seen Spinal Tap, yeah?" "Good luck with this week's reading." "If you're plagiarising, don't do it from a book I've written." "It's almost bound to ring a bell." "Mark, April, hold on." "I'm having a gathering tonight for potential contributors to my folly, Rhombus Magazine." "Could you two make it?" " Yeah." " Sure." "'I'm being ushered into the inner ring." "'I bet they make jokes about the Atkins diet and do prank calls to Gore Vidal in Esperanto.'" "So, what do you play in the Bong?" "Me?" "Er, everything." "I do everything." "I can't do it all at once so I get them to help." "Sometimes at a gig I'll just cool it with the maracas." "Oh, yeah, like Bez." "No, not like Bez." "Nothing like fucking Bez." "Can I ask your advice?" "I really wanna set up a label for bands that can't get a deal..." "'Maybe she'll suck me off after the gig." "What about Nancy?" "'What am I gonna do when she tries to suck me off?" "' capitalist agendas that make everyone sound basically the same." "Sorry, I'd better just say now..." "I've got a girlfriend." "Wow!" "This is great." "But aren't you gonna max out on your loan?" "Fuck it." "Get another one." "You can always defer." " To university." " To university." "'She is so lovely and doesn't even realise." "'No-one's ever told her." "I'll tell her." "No." "'If she realises, I'm finished.'" "Mark." "You're here." "You didn't say." "You're here." "So, how do you two know each other?" "Let's not talk that shit." ""This is what I do, I'm from here."" "We're all people, after all." "With hands and feet." "We met in our tutorial." "You were in a tutorial?" "I may party hard, but I do go to the odd tutorial." " What?" " You have to, if you do a history degree." "You're doing a history degree?" "That's right, Jeremy." "He's in a band." "His hearing's gone, all the gigs." "How long are you gonna be here?" "Three years?" "That's how long undergraduate degrees are." " So you're not coming back?" " Nope." "So... what shall I do?" "Rent out your room?" "Of course." "We've been over this." " Have we?" " That's right, Jeremy." "But I..." "I don't understand." "Let me get you a drink." "I'll explain everything all over again." "You're stalking her?" "No!" "It's a passionate, romantic gesture." "Right." "I won't say a word." "Good luck with the stalking." "I'm not stalking her." "Jeremy, can I have a word?" "Yeah, sure, Pete." "If it's about the amp, I'd be happy to pay for any damage." "It's Super Hans." "He's nicked some booze and stolen a maraca." "I can work with just one." "No, we need a kind of front-man." "Someone to hit a few keys on the sequencer, make a bit of a show." "Would you feel weird about bumping Super Hans?" "No." "I mean, yeah." "But..." "No." "Yes, initially." "But I've thought about it and... no, I'd feel fine." "All right." "Wicked." "'How cheap dare I go?" "'Professor MacLeish said "party"." "It'll get jumbled in the common lot." "'I could break the £2.99 barrier." "There be monsters." "'I'll dump this and drink the communal lager." "I think I know who's winning.'" "Can you ask Mr Rashid if he's got anything cheaper?" "OK." "Fair enough." "Mark, they've moved the bus stop." "Our bloody bus stop's been moved." "Everything changes." "Five years ago, I'd have cut off my right leg just to speak to Professor MacLeish, now I'm going to his party." "And I'm headlining a band." "'Scuse me, friend, can I see what you've got in your pocket?" "Why?" "I'm not a student." "I am a real person." "Mr Rashid, it's us!" "Remember?" "The El Dude brothers." "You gave us that out-of-date hummus." "Jez was really ill and we laughed about it." "Who the hell put that there?" "'I can't believe he called the police!" "'" "I've gotta get out." "I'm meant to be on stage any fucking minute." "What the hell were you thinking?" "Why didn't you just pay for it?" "They should pay us to eat that crap." "Stealing things just makes everything very cheap." "Plus, you know how I feel about capitalism." "Yes." "Confused." "I'm supposed to be on stage right now." "I was wondering." "Maybe you could, somehow... take the rap for me." "We could say I was in your thrall." "Like Hindley." "No way." "Right now, April's probably getting chatted up by some student who's realised she's got the magical combo of beauty and low self-esteem." "OK." "Here's the plan." "Good cop, bad cop." "I say I'm ill, Mr Rashid comes in, all sympathetic." "You stand there, hit him - gently but firmly - until he stops... not moving, but resisting." "We exit posthaste." "Yeah?" "We murder Mr Rashid?" "What is it with you and stealing and murdering today?" "You're mad on it." "Great." "Let's just do it." "No!" "There's procedures." "We need to go through the proper channels." "All right!" "Since you're so set on a life of crime, no point in adding criminal damage as well." "Ooh!" "Great." "Cheer up, mate." "We're outlaws." "Like Bonnie and Clyde, Butch and Sundance." "I'll leave a tenner and a note." "I don't need a ticket, I'm in the band." "I got waylaid." "I'm not with the shit-munchers." "Do I look like a civilian?" "You are gonna be so embarrassed in about five minutes." "'Scuse me!" "Sorry." "I'm in the band." "I'm in the band. 'Scuse me." "I need to get to the stage." "I'm in the... band." "'Shit!" "I was only half an hour late and he's already back in the band.'" "Oi!" "Lads!" "I'm here!" "It's me!" "I say!" "Lads!" "Pete!" "This faker said he was in the band." "I'm in the band all right." "I've just crossed the fourth wall." "'Crowd-pleaser!" "'" "Let's do itl Let's have itl Let's have some more of it." "Look, I'm in the band." "You evict me, that's hilarious." "That's not hilarious." "You've got my bollock." "You're pulling on my bollock." "I was, like, "Yeah, the book's based on good source material" " Asterix The Gaul!"" "LAUGHTER" "So, Mark, do you fancy doing a little piece for Rhombus?" "500 words or so, kicking the shit out of Simon Schama." "Love to." "I could lay into his... accessible, interesting take on things." "'To enter the elite, I must shit on my heroes.'" "It could be a regular column." "Slaying the middlebrow sacred cows." "'I can pen insights from the flat." "The Zorro of academia." ""'Who is that masked intellectual who pricks our pomposity?" Ooh, rough." "'Miscalculated." "Dinner party." "'Still, if I drink it all, no-one need know.'" "Special bottle?" "Just... mine." "I like to know how much I've drunk." " Are you driving?" " No, it's in case anything happens." "'He thinks I mean date rape.'" "Not date rape." "Other things." "April, come and join us." "We're talking about my column." "Cheers, but I'm just gonna read Deidre's play." "Emily Dickinson and Virginia Woolf's search for a lost Sappho manuscript on Lesbos." "Do you think there could there be a subtext" "Great!" "'Plays, wine, Lesbos..." "I've arrived!" "Just don't mention Bravo Two Zero.'" " Hello." " Hello." "Do I know you?" "No, I'm a friend of Mark's and I just had my dreams smashed by the most punctual electro-dub outfit in Britain." "'Bollocks." "He shouldn't be here." "There's limited room in the inner ring." "'That's why it's the inner ring.'" "So, you all look pretty happy... being students." "Well, I've got news for you." "The shit-storm is coming." "That's the real world out there and let me tell you, baby, it is fucked." "Is that what Dr Chomsky and Michael Moore told you?" "In lieu of a degree." "I've got a degree, my friend, oh, yeah." "I was here in the glory years - mid-'90s." "Britpop was kicking off." "Four Weddings had just come out." "It was mental." "Four Weddings?" "It's a... film, Alasdair." "Very popular at the time." "About weddings." "You have seen Four Weddings." "You make out you're this oh-so-clever professor who hasn't got time to watch Four Weddings or Ghostbusters like the rest of us?" "I'm not buying it." "I spend my free time reading, rather than watching Ghostbusters!" "What is the problem with Ghostbusters? "Oh, look how many books I've got." "I must be clever."" "Yeah?" "Well, let's have a look at some of these books, see how really great they are." "Jeremy, don't manhandle the books!" "Sister Carrie by Theodore Dreiser." ""The look on her face was one of disappointment."" "That's good, is it?" "What's good about that?" "I don't actually care for Dreiser." "Oh, I see." "These are just rows of books you don't really like." "Do you sit around not reading them?" "I think you've said enough." "Jez, why don't you go and lie in the recovery position?" "This is all bollocks." "You don't belong here with the pointy-heads." "Tell them." "Tell them that I'm a hard-working mature student?" "He's not a mature student." "He's a loan manager." "He lives with me and he eats ready meals and we play Guess the Revels and watch Men In Black on our massive telly and have a fucking good time." " Loan manager?" " I manage my... student loan." "I manage... on it." "April, listen, I was thinking, I should really go." "D'you want to go now?" "With me?" "We're gonna smoke a joint and read Logue's Homer." "You can play Helen." "Or I've got six quid." "Let's get two bottles of Thunderbird and see who can drink theirs fastest." "So, which one's your dorm?" "Kaiser Soze Hall." "D'you know it?" "Horribly ugly." "It's for mature students." "They lock us away in case we infect you with our diligence and lust for knowledge." "'OK." "Dangerously close to getting what I want." "Don't think about Sophie.'" "Love your room." "Thanks." "The basic undergraduate lunge for individuality." "I've not even seen Betty Blue." "Have you?" "Yeah." "Great sex-and-suicide flick." "Turned a generation of men onto girls with mental illness." "OK." "'Perfect." "The kind of scenario that used to terrify me that now I can handle." "'Just..." "lean in or pull her towards... me and just... simply..." "'This is my chance!" "And I'm doing... nothing." "'I am now, this instant, missing my chance.'" "So..." "I might... turn in." "Er... yeah." "OK." "Right." "I might... go then." "See you soon." "OK." "Cool." "See you." "'Oh, well." "I kept myself pure for Sophie." "'Like nuns do for Christ." "I'm not sleeping with him." "' Come on." "She can only hurt me emotionally.'" "Look, just now I wanted to... make the move." "I just wanna know, if I make the move now, even though, admittedly, the moment has sort of... gone, you're not gonna back away or look disgusted or anything, are you?" "Great." "Thanks." "Just gonna go to the loo." "OK." "Sophie." "It's Mark here." "Sorry to call so late." "I just wanted to remind you to print the proposal docs for the big meet tomorrow at 5pm." "Anyway, I'm in Dartmouth, with a lovely young student girl." "I just made the move, which went brilliantly." "Now we're probably gonna go to bed." "See you tomorrow." "Bye." "Mark, listen, I was just thinking." "Don't get me wrong." "I like you." "I think I really like you." "And I really like you." "It's just... it's late." "I've had a few wines." "I could hardly focus on the bog roll." "Let's do this another night." "Another night?" "'Fine." "If I hadn't lied about everything.'" "No, it's got to be..." "It should be tonight." "But we've both got to get up early." "It's Babylon at nine." "Let's... tonight." "I really feel that the mood's... right tonight." "We've got three more years." "Let's just..." "lie here and cuddle." "Oh." "Right." "Nice cuddle." "Hi." "Oh, h... hello, Sophie." "Yes, I'm sorry to have called you so late." "I thought you might be interested in how things were going for me." "But you're not." "See you after the lecture." "Yeah." "See you after the lecture." "'At least I never had to watch her recoil at my scrotal scar.'" "She would've done it." "Given another night or two." "She would have." "Yeah." "So, another notch on the bedpost... sort of." "'This is OK." "It's just a moment that'll haunt me forever.'" "Paranoia, paranoia Everybody's coming to get me" "Just say you never met me" "I'm running underground With the moles" "Digging holes."