" Stacey, will you marry me?" " Yes!" " Bryn, she's done it again!" " I know I've made mistakes, all right?" "I've got five engagement rings upstairs to prove it." "Get on the phone to your fiancee." "Invite her and all her family up this Saturday." "We're going to have a nice do!" "Nessa, your back's covered in mud." "I know." "I fell over." "Fell over." "Of course they did!" "Nessa told me they did!" "I know they did." "But Smithy still maintains he fell over." "Thing is, she can't even stand him!" "She says he's a prick." "He says she's the worst example of a woman he's ever come across." "Literally." "Oh, Gavin!" "So what time d'you think you'll be here tomorrow?" "by nine so I reckon about midday." "But try not to be later cos it starts at ten and the good dresses will be gone." "How do you know?" "Been to a lot of wedding fares of ya?" "No, never been to one before." "Never in my life." "Never ever." "All right?" "All right." "Calm down." "Look, I've got to go." "I'll call you tonight." "Love you" "Er..." "Gavin?" "Um..." " ICB still owe us £400?" " Really?" "Yeah." "That's kind of the reason I phoned." "OK." "I'll chase it up to account." "Get your arse in gear." "It's been five weeks." "My boss thinks I'm doing you favours." "Sexual favours!" "Actually, the last four payments from ICB have all been late." "Bit embarrassing, really." "OK, chill out!" "You said we have to stay professional!" "Very well." "Thank you for bringing the matter to my attention Miss West." "I shall deal with it immediately." "I appreciate your co-operation Mr Shipman." "Goodbye." "I love you!" "I love you too!" "Smithy?" " Hello?" " What you doin'?" "Doing that bathroom." "Abbots Rd." " How's it going?" " Yeah, good." "Just started tiling." "SMITHY!" "Oh, God!" "What you doing here?" " On your lunch?" " It's six o'clock." "What?" "S-h-i-t!" "I only shut my eyes for ten minutes." "That was at half-twelve!" "Nightmare!" "I should have this finished by five!" "Her niece and nephew are staying for the weekend." " Right." "You got to help me." "Start tiling." " I can't." "Just slap 'em on." "No need to be perfect." "She's partially sighted." " I got to talk to you." " No time." " It's serious." " We're going to have to talk and tile." "OK." "So, what is it?" "A problem down there?" " Eh?" "The prostate." " No!" "You can tell me." "Look, honestly, you can tell me anything." " I'll shut up." "Go on." " Look." "Me, you, Gary and Simon, we've been mates since first-year infants, right?" "Class of '83." "Miss Hatfield." "Happy days." "Anyway, we've all been through a lot together and as much as I think Gary and Simon are great," "I always think of you as my best friend." "And that's why when I will get married in six weeks' time," "I want you standing there next to me... as my best man." "Hey, come on." "It's supposed to be good news!" "That a yes, then?" "I won't let you down, all right?" "I'll get you to the church on time." "I'll have the rings all ready." "I'll do a blinding' speech, right?" "Look at me." "But most of all," "I am going to give you the BEST stag since Chinese Alan got married in '99." "I know you will." " I'd better go." " Why?" "Cos there's a really angry woman standing in the doorway." "Mrs Henry." "You're probably wondering why I'm crying." "And why your bathroom isn't finished." " This is Gavin." " Hi." "He's my oldest and dearest friend." "And he's just given me some devastating news." "Regarding his prostate." "Maybe that sort of thing." "Yeah, maybe." " What's the matter?" " Nuthin'." "Come on!" "Ness?" "I won't lie to you, this don't sit well with me." "What don't?" "Look." "Are you sure you want me to be your Maid of Honour?" "What you on about?" "Course I do!" "It's just..." "Well, 'member when Cara got married and you and me were bridesmaids." "And we walked down the aisle and you went first and everyone was turnin' and smilin'." "and you looked really cracking'." "Proper, stunning like." "And then I walks down, and I could see in people's eyes, they were takin' the piss." "Laughin' like." "And not just cos I fell over." "But because..." "I didn't look right." "In fact, if truth be told, I looked wrong." " Don't be daft." " I did!" "I made a twat of myself." "And I just think, you need someone who looks more like a bridesmaid." "Like who?" "I dunno." "Someone like Cat Deeley." " But I don't know Cat Deeley!" " Kate Thornton, or that Leanne." " Leanne who?" " Battersby." "From Corrie." "No!" "Look even if I did know those people, I'd never choose them over you." "You're my best friend, Nessa, and I want you stood beside me on my wedding day." "Cos without you there, I don't think I could go through with it." "Cheers." "Now let's have a look at your 'tache." "No." "It's going to be a while yet." "It's ten past nine!" "This wedding fayre starts in an hour and we're not even in the right country." "We haven't even left yet." "I know." "He's not even here." "I don't know where he is." "Well, if worst comes to worst, we'll have to meet you there." "Yeah." "OK." "See ya." "Mick?" "You want your own towel or are you happy to share mine?" "I would like my own but, frankly, I'll share your underwear if it'll get you in the car any quicker." "It's eleven minutes past nine!" "Smithy ain't here." "Why are you getting on at us?" "I'm ringing him." "It'll go to voicemail." "I've already tried him." "Smithy, you lump of lard, if you're not here in two minutes, we'll go without ya." " Mick, sign this card for Gwen." " What card?" "It's to say thanks for having us." "'To a special friend'!" "You've only met her once." "She's family!" "You and me are going to fall out today!" "Here he is!" "Where have you been?" "Sorry, Mick." "I got to jump in the shower." "No, you're not!" "We don't have time." "I been tiling since five." " You finished that job?" " Yeah, eventually." "She's not" " as partially-sighted as I thought!" " Hi, Smithy!" "All right?" "I got to go inside and need a wash." " We haven't got the time, darlin'!" " But I got to get changed." "I ain't going like this!" "Fine!" "Oh, for the love of Mike!" " Seen anything you like there, Pammy, eh?" " Oh, stop it!" " Get in that car, for goodness sake." " All right, give me a minute, crikey." "Come on." "All right, Michael." "Go, go, go." "Thing is, Gwen, at the end of the day, I don't really think I'm the marryin' kind." " There's someone out there for everyone." " You say that." "I went round the world three times when I was workin' the ships, met all manner of men." "There was only Paulo, young lad from Peru, I ever thought could've been the one for me." "I often wonder what he's doing now." "I thought I saw him once, down Barry magistrates." "I didn't." "It weren't him." "Only me!" "The shopper!" "Mr Moneybags..." "Hiya, Nessa." " Bryn." " Cup of tea?" "I'd love one." "But I'm desperate for the loo first." "Hang on a minute!" "I must have walked into the wrong house." "Cos I can see a young girl who looks very much like my niece except she's doing housework." "Which I know for a fact my niece is allergic to." " Hello, I'm Bryn." " Hiya." "You are comin' to this weddin' fayre, aren't you?" "I can't wait!" "I was so excited last night." "I didn't get to sleep till half-past ten!" " Something beginning with 'R'." " Road." "Oh!" "How d'you always get it so quick?" "All right, I got a better game." "Not 'Cruise Marry Shag'." " You cannot play that with my parents." " Ignore him." "What are the rules?" " Right." "Mick, you can go first." " All right." "Go on." " Oh, for goodness sake!" " OK, I'll give you three people." "One of them you have to marry and have kids with and a dog and a family estate car and all that, you know, forever, one you go on a cruise ship around the world spending every minute of every day with them but you DO NOT" " have to sleep with them." " I knew it was going to be blue!" "And the other one you have to have a long, hard, brutal..." "No!" "It does not have to be brutal or long or hard." " You just have to, you know..." " Shag 'em." "Right, OK." "Michael, here are your three." "OK," " Sharon Osbourne." " Ooh!" "You quite like her!" " Don't look at me!" " Sharon Osbourne, Anne Robinson" " and..." " That little Jimmy Krankie!" "Yeah, that's the spirit!" "Oh, I dunno, um ...." "I'd go round the world with, er..." "Oh, it's so difficult." "Right." "I'd have to go round the world with Bernard Manning." " Good call." "Think of the jokes!" " Bernard Manning?" "!" "I'd marry Loyd Grossman cos I like his sauces." " I'd do the same!" " His voice would do my head in." "That leaves the one-night-stand with..." "Frank Bruno." "Yes." "I'd be more than happy to do it with Frank Bruno." "Quicker you say it, quicker it'll be over." "Go on." "So I'd have to shag Pauline Fowler, wouldn't I?" "Can we stop now?" "This is my idea of heaven!" "Right, everyone." "There are just six weeks till we get married." "If we're smart, we can get the majority of the stuff we need today." "It's all in this room." "We just got to find it." "Follow me, ladies." "Good luck, boys." "What a girl!" "Will your boy be coming to the wedding?" "What's his name again?" "Jason?" "Yes, he's coming over." " He lives in Spain, he does." " Is he married?" " No." "He's gay." " Really?" "D'you know..." "I said to Mick if we'd have had another son," "I'd have loved him to be a homosexual." "You know, for fashion advice and emotional support." "Jason's good as gold like that." "I miss him terribly, I do." "He lights up a room." "Like a little Will Young." "Right." "You ready?" "I know it's white, right?" "But who can honestly say, hand on heart, they're a virgin these days?" "Fascinating." "Absolutely fascinating!" "You like that?" "Try this..." "Pick a card." "Okey-dokey." "Look at it." "Remember it." "Put it back." "Is that your card?" "Yes!" "I want to say no, I really do." "But it is my card..." "Mick!" "Mick?" "Oh, he'd love this." "What the heck." "Are you free on the 6th of April?" " Yeah." " Can I book you?" " Yeah." " Wonderful!" "What other tricks can you do?" "Look at the interior on that, Dad." "They don't make cars like this any more." "You'd look the business in it." "No." "I can't." "She wants a horse and carriage." " Why?" "I've never seen the appeal myself." " Me neither." "Well, why do it, then?" "I mean, who wants to see a horse having' a crap outside the church when you're stood there in all your finery?" "But she's got her heart set on it." "Well, what would you prefer?" " I want to go in the Bentley, obviously." " So just tell her they've run out of horses." "But..." "Listen." "I lie to your mother on average seven times a day." "They're not just little white lies either." "Some of them are pr-etty, pr-etty black." " No, Pam." "I'm getting this." " Oh, let's not start all that again." "You and Mick are footing the bill." "I can never thank you enough for that." "But please..." "let me buy my daughter's dress." "I understand." "I'll put my purse away." "Oh!" "Pam!" "You're still payin' for my dress, all right?" "I can saw the bride in half." "I can saw the groom in half." "I can saw the best man in half." "Will you saw me in half?" "What relationship are you?" " I'm the bride's uncle!" " No." "But!" "Hang on." "Her father... my brother..." "is dead, y'see?" "All right." "Well, that does change things." "You're in Stag City now." "This one's on me." " Lager." " Cheers." "I like drinking lager." "My name's Chris but you can call me Jammy." " Smithy." " Like it, I like that name a lot." " Groom or best man?" " Best man." "Right." "First things first." "Well done." "It takes a lot of guts for a guy like you to come to a wedding fayre." "But you found us and this is where our journey begins." "You love your mate more than life itself?" "You want to give him the best send-off you can before he ruins the rest of his life." "Am I right?" " Yeah." " I'm right, yeah?" " I thought I was right." " Yeah." " I'm right." " Yeah." " High five." "You know what?" "Forget that!" "Big tens." "I know what you want." "I know what you want better than you do." "Nutter?" "Lights." "Nutter." "He's all right Nutter." "One word." "Two words." "One more word." "Nutter?" "Lights." "Right." "Any questions?" "No." "Now the last two times you were getting married," "I remember you wanted something like this." " Is that still the case?" " Yeah." "But, um, if you sees him, like, my fiance, don't mention about the others cos he don't know and I think it's better not to tell him." "Mum's the word." "Oh, luv." "I'll take all of this, all right?" "But I don't need another whip." "Oh, Ness." "You look fabulous." "I know." "I feel it." "I am bushed!" "Whacked." "I am absolutely whacked." "Come on you lot!" "I'm all wedding-ed out." " Mum, see what I got." " What is it?" "I'm not showing you!" "Right, so we start in Amsterdam." "Bit of that..." "Third day, travel to Prague, some of that." "Four days later we start the flight home." "But..." "This is the best bit!" "We do a tandem parachute jump landing in a beer refinery in Hamburg." "£700 including the lap-dance limo and the last night." "I'm getting married in six weeks." "I can't go away for nine days!" "I thought you'd say that." "I completely understand that the six-day option," " We miss out Amsterdam." " No!" "Six days is still too long!" " Yeah, but Jammy says." " Who's Jammy?" "He's the guy who's organising the stag!" "He's coming too!" " Who's paying for him?" " We are!" "That's a beauty of it!" "He knows Prague better than anyone." "He's slept with over 48 prostitutes!" " Lovely!" "Invite him to the wedding." " You serious?" "No!" "It's a night-out in town and that's it." "Russell Hobbs kettle and toaster combi." "Put one of them down." "We have always had Russell Hobbs." "You can't go wrong with him." "And that Brabantia bin is £55." "Is that too much?" " Mm, maybe." " If no-one gets it, no-one gets it!" " I already knows what I'm gettin' you." " What?" "Tattoo." "I'm havin' your name and Gav's all down one arm in Arabic." "Smithy, here we are." "Why don't you sit here?" "No, I'm going to phone the missus." "Everyone OK with chilli?" " Oh, yes, yes." " Yes, yes, thank you, Gwen." "Don't worry, Pam." "I've done you a lovely cauliflower cheese." "Only I haven't put no cheese in it, cos I wasn't sure if you ate dairy or not." "So it's basically cauliflower." "With a bit of onion." "Oh, thanks, Gwen!" "Isn't that lovely, Pam?" "Gwen's catered to your vegetarian needs so well!" "Yes!" "Of course, but what you won't know, Gwen, is that Mick has also turned vegetarian now." " In order to support me." " No, I haven't." " Yes, you have!" " No, I haven't." "I have no idea what you're talking about." "I'm going to be eating Gwen's delicious chilli." "She's at Venture Scouts." "I tell you what I want." "Can we get a George Foreman Lean Mean Fat Reducing Grilling Machine £19.99?" " Yeah, go on." " I got one of those!" "I grill everything!" "Lean Mean Bryn they should call me." "Right." "It's all out on the table," " so help yourselves to rice and whatnot." " Oh, thanks, Gwen." " You could have to smack on me some meat." " How?" " Put it in your pocket." " Chilli con came?" "Are you insane?" "No!" "I'm hungry!" "Mmm." "Smells lovely, Gwen!" "All right?" "Yeah." "Look." "About the other week..." "Oh, sorry, guys." "Took a bit longer than I thought." "Why?" "We never had to go." "We turned up." "I gave him 20 quid." "We did the deed and got out of there." " Oh, how romantic." "I think you might be very pleasantly surprised." " It's a joke." "An absolute joke." " Gavin!" " Now let's not start arguing!" " What's going on?" " Well, I ain't telling him." " Tell me what?" "Nothin' to do with me!" "I'm on his side." "You can tell him." "We have to go to church tomorrow." "The place where we're getting married." "We got to get the banns read." "So?" "I said we'd all go." " So?" " Including you." "What?" "!" "What a lovely hymn that was!" "And I tell you what, if Simon Cowell was here today," "I'm sure he'd be signing a lot of you guys up for the Pop Factor." "Right." "Who here... likes sandwiches?" "I know I do." "I love sandwiches." "For lunch, or an afternoon snack." "You've got your bread, and a bit of butter or maybe mayonnaise and then you've got your filling." "And in a way, that's a bit like God." "Because we've all got a different relationship with God, just like we've all got a different relationship with sandwiches." "For instance, my favourite sandwich is ham and egg!" "And I got to thinking, 'I wonder what my congregation's favourite sandwich is?" "' Doris?" "Stand up and tell us your favourite sandwich." "I likes a tuna, Father Chris!" " I won't lie to you." " Tuna!" "Dick!" "Dick Powell." "How about you?" "HE SPEAKS WELSH" "Right, that's, er, that's chicken and Glamorgan sausage." "Odd choice." "But it's your choice." "Bryn!" "How about you?" "I know it's boring, but I just like cheese!" " There it is!" " Thanks, Bryn." "Now," "Bryn is here today with some visitors, some very important visitors from London, because Stacey West, Gwen's daughter..." "Stand up for us, Stacey." "In six weeks' time, here in St Nicholas's, is marrying a certain Mr." "Gavin Shipman." "Come on, Gavin." "Stand up for us." "You're right, Bryn, he is a smashing-looking lad." "The happy couple!" "Stay on your feet, Gavin!" "Don't sit down." "Out of interest, what does a young London boy like between his bread?" " What?" " In your sandwich?" " I dunno." " Oh, you must know!" "Come on." "What's your favourite sandwich?" "Er... tuna?" " But we've had tuna." "Something else!" " Just say anything!" " But why can't I have tuna as well?" " Don't look at her." " I really can't think!" " Jesus!" "How hard is it?" " I just don't see the point!" " You don't see the point!" "You don't see the point, but I'll tell you the point, you jumped-up little..." "The point is that the bread is the Holy Spirit, the mayonnaise/butter is the Father, and the filling is the Son!" "We all like different fillings but ultimately the bread remains a constant just like God!" "But forget it!" "You've ruined it!" "NOW SIT DOWN!" "Stupid Cockneys." "Right." "Let us pray!" "Our Father..." "Well, that was eventful." "Is he often like that?" "He's good as gold normally." "When he mixes with people, he can't cope, which is a shame for a man of the cloth." "All the best, Bryn." "See you, my darling." "Gwen." " Nessa!" " Lovely to see you." "Take it easy." "Give them a wave now." "That's it." "I miss him so much." "Right." "You coming back?" " No, I'm going home." " You never go home." "What's up?" "Oh, Stace." " I think I'm in a right mess." " What d'you mean?" "I'm late, aren't I?" " What, 'late' late?" " Four days." " Are you sure?" " You know me, regular as clockwork." "Every fourth Wednesday since I was nine." " What does Dave say?" " It's not Dave's." " Not that Daniel Owen's?" "!" " No!" "He's been done." " So is it Leggo's?" " Look." "It's not Leggo's, it's not Daniel's, it's not Dave's," " it's not the bloke from the key cutters." "So whose is it, then?" "Easy, easy." "I'd go round the world with Michelle McManus," "I'd marry Sonia from EastEnders and I'd have a right good go on Julie Goodyear!"