" Season Premiere - by belkiss" " What do you want ?" " I hear you're looking for a roommate ?" "Why do you wanna live here ?" "You're breaking up with me ?" "When did you decide this ?" "Well, do you remember last-week when I was kind of quiet and you asked me what was wrong and I said nothing... then." " But, I moved to Chicago for you !" " Yes, we moved." "But our lives are exactly the same as they were back home." "Henry look, I know this is hard, but I can't help it, I'm blossoming !" "When did you start blossoming ?" "Do you remember last week when I said I was celebrating, and you said "celebrating what ? ", and I said nothing... then." "I said why do you wanna live here ?" "I don't really..." "Good answer I hate needy." "Look, I know you want the shirts but they're in India." "I called India nobody answered." "Don't touch that !" "No, I took a bath on John Kerry I'm not doing any more political stuff." "Ok, the name is Larry Cone what's your story ?" "Ok well, a couple of months ago I moved here from Missouri with my girlfriend..." "Yeah I got an internet business myself." "Sell T-shirts." "I am TShirtsAhoy. com." ""I slept with Ashton" that was me." "So what happened to the girlfriend ?" " Well, Heather and I lived together downstairs..." " Heather ?" "Leather-Heather with the leather pants dumped you ?" "You're not gonna move in and like kill yourself are you ?" " Get out of the way we're taking the flat screen." " Tina, you said you're gonna be nice !" " Yeah I'm sorry I just see him and... you know ?" " Oh when you see me." "You know what I think about when I see you ?" "I think about one of those tiny bugs that bores itself into a bigger bug and then eats it from the inside-out so it can live in it, because that is exactly what you're doing to Brad." "She's eating you from the inside out man !" "You know I would just love to take a bat to this entire..." "Hello !" "I am Tina DiFabio this is my fiancé Brad." "Engaged three weeks." "We're delirious." "Thinking about a spring wedding on the lake." " Congratulations !" " No congratulations this is an abomination !" "You're an abomination !" "My mother told Tina that you gave me the TV for my birthday and so now" "Tina wants it for the sunroom." "Yeah, Tina and my mom are friends now." "You've just moved out, what happened to you Brad ?" "Ok well what happened is I put two long years into him and it's finally starting to pay off." "That's right, I won !" " I am not a price to be won !" " Of course you're not honey." "I won !" "Now give him the badge back like your mother and I discussed." " No, keep it." " No, I really can't." " You're a cop ?" " Sometimes." " What a town !" " Yeah I can't even sleep at night anymore." " Well we got him though." " Put that son of a bitch behind bars." "He won't be hurting anymore women." "You guys are cops ?" " Detectives." " Homicides." "So you're a detective ?" "Roger that !" "So if you're a cop you must know self defense all cops have to go through pretty rigorous training." "That's right." "Yeah it was pretty intense." "But I finished top in my..." "And that was our first date." "Let's go, come on !" "No not the TV that's our TV man !" "Remember the Cubs games ?" "Bears ?" "Miss Teen USA ?" " Sorry." " He is not sorry." "I am sorry !" "god !" "What do you think ?" "Can I move in ?" "You know what I like about you ?" "You make me look tall." "I'll need first and last and a reference from your work." "Actually I'm between jobs right now you see, my boss was Heather's uncle so..." "First Brad and now..." "whatever your name is." "You know what ?" "No, I am not gonna let them do this to another guy." "You know what I'm gonna do with you ?" "I am going to build a better Brad." "Amanda it's me, do you have any job for a friend of ours ?" "No you've never met him "friend of ours", like in the Sopranos "friend of ours" means he's in." "Remember we watched it we said we're gonna do this when I call you and I go... forget it, do you have anything or not ?" "Fine, I send him in." " An interview ?" " Yup." "Thanks." "Where's the remote ?" "I think it's in my pants." "I'm sure there's plenty of room down there." "So... shorts !" "Right, the shorts." "Ok." "Here's what happened, I couldn't get a suit because my girlfriend kicked me out, and then, she changed the locks on the apartment." "Now, I'm not looking for sympathy." "You're not giving me any, ok good." "Let's be professional." "I have a BA in finance, I was the youngest inventory manager ever at John Deere," "I'm efficient, experienced and an asset to any organization." "I can see your balls." " What ?" " There's not a part of them that I can't see." "And I look down, and they're just out." "My boxers were like, Olé !" "I like that story." "Weird things happened to you I dig that !" " What time you got ?" " Four o'clock." " What's this ?" "." " Four o'clock..." "Martini time !" "We can't drink it's day time, it's the day !" "Forty years ago every man in this country was half drunk by sundown." "It was a gracious golden time." "And I want it back, revolution starts here !" " This is melting my eyeballs." " Yeah that's how you know it's working." "I had to cancel a date tonight, with a fireman !" "Wanna know why ?" "Because I couldn't fit into my miracle butt-lifting jeans !" "And I need those jeans because all of you men have been so brain-washed by lunching barfing supermodels, that I've got no chance with this guy if my butt is swinging around down there where God and three square meals a day put it !" "I saw your balls today." "I can't tell you how sorry I am about that, sometimes they have a mind of their own." "That's ok, you got the job." "You almost didn't because I wrote nuts on the application by then the doodle reminded me what I meant so..." "This is amazing I have a job !" "I'm actually doing it !" "To the new Brad !" "I don't need her." "I don't need anybody." "I'm gonna take this city by storm." "I'm gonna buy roller blades !" "and I'm gonna roller blade by her and be all like "whazzup"." "Because I don't even miss her." " Henry ?" " Oh thank God, I missed you so much !" "I just came up to bring you some of your stuff." "Did you even get the "I'm sorry" bear ?" "I know this is hard but, we can still be friends." "It's a tale as old as time." "Heather what happened to you ?" "I'm a butterfly who's coming out of her cocoon." "You know this is exactly our problem, you never wanted me to fly." "I don't even miss the TV !" "This guy has got all sorts of problems." "It's really over." "I thought she was the one." "I know you think what just happened is a bad thing, I'm telling you man it's not." " It is a chance for you to take your life back." " Take it back !" " I don't know what happened." " Same thing that happens in every relationship." "When she first met you, you were a tiger, and she was into that tiger, she was all about that tiger, she was Siegfried and freakin' Roy." "Then she took you home." "She put a bell around your neck she made you here kitty." " Oh we do that !" " Yeah, and what happened ?" " She dumped me." " She dumped you, because no woman wants a kitty." " She wants a tiger." " We want you to scare the hell out of us." "So quit feeling sorry for yourself, get out of the litter box, and come back to the jungle." "Yes, back to the jungle." "How do I do that ?" " Amanda ?" " What ?" "Call some of your skankier friends we're throwing him a party." " What ?" " A whole deep dish pizza ?" "You guys have been brainwashed by all the lunch-barfing superm..." "I did an hour on the Stairmaster today so, you know if a guy at this pizza you..." "I'm gross." "It's all for you !" "Fox, henhouse." "Henhouse, fox !" "Now let's see some feathers fly." "Look at all those beautiful women !" "This is good." "This might be working." "You know what I'm gonna do to get over Heather ?" " I think I do !" " I'm gonna get a girl's number." "No, I guess I didn't." "I think you're in the wrong place, the lesbian lip-waxing meeting is down the hall." "I'm only here to make sure you don't talk crap to Brad about me all night, you'll tell him I'm controlling and I will not allow that." "So you're the new Brad ?" "Let's see how you stack up." "I can bowl a 280... drunk !" "I'm not getting anywhere with these guys, all they want to do is talk and show me their new blackberrys." "Make a move already !" "You know why don't you make a move ?" "Because I'm a lady ?" "!" "Oh yeah when I was selling tractors I learned there is all different kinds." "Some farmers want a combine, some want a harvester." "We had a saying around the shop, only thing they could agree on is they all want a cup holder !" "Tina, I want my TV back." "You'll never watch it, it's in the sun room and we both know you can't be in the sun because you'll melt." "Way to butter her up Larry !" "Block me !" "Brad, what are you still doing over there ?" "I don't know why we have to have alcohol at parties, can't people just talk to each other ?" "right ?" " How is it going ?" " Not great." "Yeah, I heard about the tractor talk." "Just tell'em you're a Navy SEAL or something." "No, I'm not gonna do that." "I'm me and that should be enough for any girl." "You're absolutely right." "Hey Beth, come here," "I want you to meet a friend of mine." "This is Henry, he's a Navy SEAL." "So I just tried to sweet talk Tina but no go on the TV." "She called you a canker sore, and she kind of spit on me when she said it, and I had to act like she didn't, and that was awkward." " What the hell am I gonna do ?" " Why don't you steal it ?" " What ?" " They're both here run upstairs and burgle them !" "Look at you you little bastard !" "I think I built a better Brad !" "That's good for him that you're here, he's been pretty down since Brad moved out." " Really ?" "he's like the life of the party !" " Tears of a clown my friend." "I have known him since daycare he's one of those guys who can't be alone." "He needs you." "He needs you like I need... someone." "But don't you want the right someone ?" "Look at the little country mouse in the big city." "Come on !" "I've got the TV where is Tina ?" " I think in the bathroom." " Cover me !" "Go !" "Your cologne is giving me a headache." "Dude !" " Brad ?" " What I said dude." "Hold this." " Hey !" " Hey !" " So..." " So..." "This is such amazing timing because, my mom is coming into town on Friday, and now that we're together I just think it's really important that you two should meet and she's gonna want to talk to you about Christmas !" "But I know what you're thinking and don't worry about it because we pull names for a Secret Santa so only have to buy one gift." "Psych !" "That was... terrifying." "Last night was fun..." "Amanda." "I know your name." "What's my name ?" "New-Brad ?" "Henry I... oh my god !" " Henry ?" " Yeah !" " Heather how did you..." " I let her in," "I told her not to knock you're welcome." "What are you doing here ?" "I came by because I was worried that you weren't moving on with your life, but" "I guess you are, and that's awesome, I guess." "Heather it's not what it looks like." "She's my boss." "You don't have to worry about getting fired because you are the best lover that I've ever had." "You are really nice to say that because I..." " probably wasn't really..." " No !" "I thought I'd always remember yesterday as the day Heather dumped me but now, it's like the third thing I think of." "Although she did seem jealous." "Heather really seemed jealous don't you think ?" "Please don't contaminate the 4 o'clock Martini with Heather talk !" "I'm not gonna totally get over it in a day." "I really thought she was the one." "You wanna know what the one is, Henry ?" "The one is when somebody a little better than you think you can get likes you back." "Can I please just get a little orange juice in this ?" "No, and I tell you why." "This is gonna be a great, great time of your life." "Right here, right now." "This is happy hour !" "It's like time after something bad : work, Heather, before something good :" "dinner, a new life." "Enjoy it !" " Yeah." " Yeah !" "I mean on the one hand I lost the girl of my dreams, but on the other hand, I started drinking during the day !" "Welcome to happy hour Henry." "Tina's great uncle died she won't be home for three hours pour !"