"Joe?" " Okay." " Hey." "Why are you hiding from me?" "I'm not hiding from you." "I was just trying a new lunch place," " and I know how you feel about food trucks." " Oh, yeah." "That's true." "I don't trust any restaurant that can drive away from a health inspector." "I'll meet you back at the office, okay?" "Okay." "Hey." "Wait, wait, wait." "Before I go, do me a favor and be completely honest with me." "Do I look like I'm going bald?" "I'm serious." "I swear to God," "I was looking in the mirror this morning and" "I saw Christina Ricci staring back at me." "It's always a drama with you, Louis." "You're not going bald, okay?" "The only hair you lost was last Halloween when that gay guy stole your blue Katy Perry wig." "There were fireworks when that happened." "Thank you." "Thank you." "No." "Thank you." "Just..." "Just go." "Why?" "What?" "What are you...?" "Why are you trying to get rid of me?" "I'm not trying to get rid of you." "You're just..." "You're not going to like this food." "I thought you said you've never been here before." "I haven't." " Hey, Joe!" "How's my favorite customer?" " Hey." "What's up, Russ?" " So, lamb kebab, bra?" " Ha." "Get out of my head." "You're like the little dude that lives inside my head, bra." ""Bra?"" "What?" "You've got a friend on the side." "See?" "This is exactly why I didn't tell you." "Because I knew you'd be jealous and you'd make a big thing out of it." "I am not jealous." " Do you love him, Joe?" " Hilarious." "Happy birthday, Renata." "Make a wish." "I wish I was happy." "Nope." "Thanks again for inviting me to this party." "Renata, come on." "Things are good." "Your life is good." "You get to go to work with your favorite cousin every day." "You got a cupcake." "You're just being nice." "I'm thirty and single." "I can feel another egg die every second." "There goes one." "There goes one." "There goes one." "Oh, come on, Renata." "You're going to meet someone." "You know, you're young." "You got pep." "You dress real snappy." "You know, if I wasn't engaged to your cousin, I would totally ask you out." " Really?" "You would?" " Sure." "Why not?" " What are you into sexually?" " Bapapap." "No." "Do you have any single friends you could set me up with?" "Nah." "Wish I did." "Well." "Wait." "What about your new friend Russ?" " Bapapap." "No." " Russ?" "I like the sound of that." "You know, you won't even like him." "He's just a guy that owns a food truck." " Food truck." "I like the sound of that." " Hey, I barely even know him." "I wouldn't know how to get in touch with him." "What are you talking about?" "He's coming over to watch the game tomorrow night." "Night." "I like the sound of that." "Renata, just give me a second." "What are you doing to me over here?" "I'm pretending you're not being weird." "Listen." "For the first time in a long time," "I have an opportunity to have a straight guy friend." "You realize we're watching a game tomorrow night?" " What game?" " A sport game." "Do you know how long it's been since I've been able to watch a sporting event with a buddy where I haven't been forced to pause to see if a high diver's ball has come out of his speedo?" "Or a gymnast's ball has come out of his leotard?" "Or an ice dancer has come out?" "I need this, Ally." "I need this real bad." "Okay." "Renata and I will go out, and you and Russ can have the apartment all to yourselves." "Just be sure and hang a sock on the doorknob, so I don't walk in on anything." " Hey." " Hey." "What's with the pills?" "Were you at the Dina Lohan estate sale?" "Brava." "No." "These are a variety of herbs and spices" "I bought to combat my hair loss." " Are those pills legal?" " Yes." "Si." "Las recibe de la pharmacia en Wahaca." "Bueno." "But I don't know." "I would check with Wyatt." "Why would I check with Wyatt?" " He has hair like a Chinese action figure." " I meant because he's a nurse." "Come on." "You're still embarrassed that your boyfriend's a nurse?" "What part of "Shh!" don't you understand?" "So you're embarrassed about your boyfriend who helps sick people, but you're not afraid to display your black market hair placebos?" "These are not placebos." "Look." "Garantisado para trabajar." "Although it sure does say "muerta" a lot on there." " Who was that?" " Who was what?" " You just got a text." "Who was it from?" " I don't know." "It was just a text." "Do I have to share every text with you?" "Come on." "Let's get to work." " Oh my god." "It's from Russ, isn't it?" " There it is." "There it is." "I get one text that I don't show you, and all of a sudden you go straight to Russ." " You know, you're so predictable." " Was it from Russ?" "Well, it happened to be." "Yes." "So what?" "Do you guys have plans tonight or something?" "You are unbelievable." "I tell you I got a text from Russ, and right away your paranoid little mind goes to "We have plans."" " Do you have plans together?" " We happen to." "Yes." "But that doesn't make it any less paranoid." "Now let's get to work." "You know, it's really weird that you're hiding this from me." "Oh, no." "No, it's not weird at all, because you've never been comfortable with me having another close friend." " Why would you say that?" " Uh, why?" "Rob Raveli." "That's why." "Oh, come on." "That was completely different." "Uh, no, it wasn't." "No." "You told me you had no problem with me having another best friend." "And then right when I was about to go skiing with Rob Raveli's family, you called me and lied about some phone emergency so I'd run over to your house and miss the trip, which I did." "I never lied." "You told me you broke a leg, and then you jump roped up to the door to greet me." "I did "break a leg"." "I was in Little Shop of Horrors that night, and I killed." "And not just because I played the plant." " You know what I'm talking about." " Oh, it was ninth grade." "I'm a completely different person, Joe." "I ran track." "I ran, Joe." "And I had a girlfriend and a full head of hair." "See?" "Now you're getting angry." "I'm only angry because this is how you see me." "Is that Russ asking what he should wear tonight on your date?" "No." "He wants to know what time to come over to watch the game." "The game." "Ah, yes." "Now I understand." "It seems you have a sports bra." "When you're done sifting the salt and flour, go ahead and dice the chilled butter into lima beans-sized cubes." "Oh." "Hold on." "Butter still chilling." " You're doing great." " Thank you." "Now, add the butter to the food processor." "Oh, give me a chance to dice, woman." "Okay." "I'm leaving." "I'm heading to the hospital." "These are Alphabet's hormone pills for her thyroid ?" "." "Wait." "What did she just say?" "Now, carefully add a teaspoonful of water to the mixture." "Mixture?" "I don't have a mixture." "When did we make a mixture?" "It's very important to pulse no more than three times." "It's very important that she takes two pills every six hours." " Four." "Five." "Six." " Or one pill every three hours." "Got it." " Time to crack the eggs." " Yay, eggs!" "To get your pastry extra fluffy, use four egg whites for every one yolk." "Got it." "Got it." "One pill for every four yolks." "Make sure her water bowl stays full, okay?" " She'll probably get thirsty." " Okay." "Great." "Make sure the dough is moist and pulse again." " Here are the pills." " Right." " Don't refrigerate them." " Right." "When you're done rolling the dough," " be sure to refrigerate it." " Got it." " You understand Louis?" " Yes." " You don't need to refrigerate them." " Got it." "This is important." " Make sure to refrigerate it." " Okay." "I have to go." "When the timer goes off," " give Alphabet the medicine." " Will do." "Set the time for forty-five minutes." "Now, for the hard part." "Now for the hard part?" "You are really busting my nads, lady." "You're going to need both hands." "Oh." "That's what he said." "Hey, bra." "Do you want a beer or an appletini?" "What's an appletini?" "I love that you don't know what that is." "How great is this, man?" "I mean, we're just two guys watching a game, you know, sitting in appropriate distance from one another." "No one's using the word scrumptious, or thanking a crowd that isn't really there." "It's all good." " Oh, you want a coaster for your beer?" " Coaster?" "I'll just use a magazine." "Dude, are you crying?" "Huh?" "No." "No." "I'm just..." "I'm just very, very happy." "Hi." "Hi." "Uh, what are you doing here, honey?" "Did you not see the sock on the door?" "I know." "I'm sorry." "I'm not looking." "I'm not looking." "I left my cellphone in the bedroom." "We're not even here." " Wait." "Who's we?" " Hi." "Russ, that's my cousin Renata." "Renata, Russ." " Hey." " Hey." "I like the sound of that." "Renata, no." "This is Louis." "Big surprise." "Don't get comfortable." " Hello?" " Hey." "Hi." "Yeah." "Where are you?" "You know where I am." "I'm at home watching the game with Russ." " I need to go to the hospital." " Wow." "That is shocking." "What incredibly melodramatic thing did you do now?" "I took a pill while I was making quick puff pastry." "Oh, no." "A pill, you say?" "That sounds serious." "It is serious, Joe." "I took Alphabet's dog hormones." "I took dog hormones, Joe." "I could be turning into a dog." "Turning into a dog, huh?" "Amazing." "You know, your... your excuses have gotten worse since the ninth grade." "My food truck once got struck by lightning and now I always have a little bit of a fever." "I have most of my aches." "Look, man." "I don't know what to tell you, okay?" "All right?" "I am just so over the drama, Louis." "No." "I'm not doing this for attention, Joe." "I thought I was taking one of my hair supplement pills and it turned out to be dog medication." "I've taken dog hormones, Joe." "Oh God, I'm so thirsty." "I'm so thirsty." "Hello." "Louis, if it's a real medical emergency, go see Wyatt." "He's a nurse." "Come on." "Who's going to hear?" "Joe, this is an emergency." "I need you to come over here right now." "Sorry, pal, but you're on your own, okay?" "I'm busy right now." " Busy with what?" " I'm busy with my new friend." "Where's my new friend?" "Hey." "Hi." "Hey." "I need to see a doctor right away." "I accidentally took canine medication." " Have a seat." "Fill this out." " No." "I don't have time to fill this out." "Don't you understand?" "I have dog hormones coursing through my body." "At any minute, I..." "I could just..." "Sit." " Please, ma'am." " Stay." "You know I'm messing with you, right?" "Oh my god." "I love you." "If I survive this, we should hang out later." "Could you please page Wyatt Plank?" "You know Nurse Plank?" " Oh." "You're Louis." " Oh my god." "Does he talk about...?" " Wait." "What did he say?" " Well, he said you're a whole lot of this." " I'll let him know you're here." " Thank you." "Is that a good gig?" "I may be looking soon." "I still have flour all over me." " Louis, what are you doing here?" " Oh." "I took Alphabet's hormones." "Why?" "Because I wanted to be more of a bitch." "I don't know." "It was an accident." "I need to see a doctor right away." " Louis, you're going to be fine." " No." "I'm not going to be fine." "Weird things are happening." "I'm really, really thirsty." "I chased a squirrel through the park on the way over here." "I made a joke just for another dog's benefit." "Louis, you've got to calm down." "Just drink lots of water and everything will pass through your system within 36 hours." "I really think that I should see a doctor." "If you want, I can run some tests." " Oh." "No." "No." "You're busy bee." " A doctor would do the same thing." "I know, but he'll be arrogant and have a God complex, and that's what I need right now." " Okay." "Fine." " Thank you." "Jackass." " Did anyone else hear that?" " That was me, moron." "You know what?" "You, me and the nurse are going are going to hang out when this is all over." "Good morning." "Honey, you're not actually still depressed, are you?" "I don't think you get it." "Do you know how hard it is for a straight guy to meet another straight guy in the city?" "All the good ones are married or gay." "I'm sure there's a website that can help you with that." "It was over before it started, you know." "We never even got drunk enough to say "I love you, man."" "That's Renata." "She left her sweater here." "Listen." "She's probably a little shy about hooking up with Russ last night, so just... keep it classy." " Hi." " Oh." "I had so much intercourse last night." " Boy, that came at me fast." " I guess you guys want details?" " No." "Not really." "No." " You're right." "I shouldn't kiss and tell." "Well, let's just say the kebabs weren't the only things getting skewered last night in Russ' food truck." "Great." "I can never eat there again." " So you like him." " Oh, he's a really nice guy, but I think he wants a relationship and I'm just not feeling it." " You're not feeling it?" " See?" "Joe gets it." " Can you talk to him for me, Joe?" " Wait." "All you wanted is a boyfriend, and now you've hit it off with this great guy." "What's the problem?" "What can I say?" "He's not the one." "I got to get home and pop my shoulder back into its socket." "Things got rough in that truck last night." "That is one weird chick." "Oh." "Hey." "Nurse Wanda, could you do me a favor?" "I have an itch in my back." "I can't reach it." "Would you... would you mind scratching it for me?" "People like you is why I get out of bed every morning." "Thank you." "All right, Mr. Franceville." "Just wait here and I'll get your daughter to come take you home." " Oh, thank you so much." " Don't mention it." "No, man." "You saved my life." "I'd like to give you a dollar." "That's okay." "Helping people like you is why I get out of bed every morning." "Excuse me, sir." "Which doctor did that nurse take you to?" "Doctor?" "Who needs a doctor when Nurse Plank is around?" "I suffered a massive coronary in this waiting room just last week, and that beautiful giant nurse saved my life." " He did?" " He did." "You know, I'm in love with that beautiful giant nurse." "Save yourself some trouble, son." "Pretend your wife is a man." "That's what I do." "You know what?" "You, me, the blind guy, the nurse, the dog - we're all hanging out later." "So this is the inner sanctum, huh?" "And those must be Renata's spanks spinning on the rotisserie." "Keeps them warm." "See, this is why I like hanging out with you, bro." "You're so laidback, you know." "You're just..." "There's no drama, you know." "No crazy." " I'm so not used to that." " Sorry for bailing out last night." "Oh." "No problem, man." "Come on." "A man's got to do who a man's got to do." "Yeah." "Me and Renata had a pretty crazy night." "Her shoulders are double jointed." "Actually, they're not." "But don't worry about it because she's not into it." "You're off the hook." " Wait." "What?" " She doesn't want to be in a relationship." "You're good to go." "You can probably keep the spanks." "What do you mean "She doesn't want to be in a relationship?"" "She doesn't want to be in a relationship right now, so..." "Well played, sir." "No!" "I love her!" "How could she do this to me?" "We had intercourse!" "I was going to get a second truck for her – "Renata's Fritadas!"" "Wyatt," "I can't believe you saved that old man's life." "That's my job, Louis." "I save lives every day." "I'm so sorry if I ever gave you the impression that" "I was somehow embarrassed about you being a nurse." "Oh, you never gave me that impression." "You've told me outright hundreds of times." "I'm awful." "What you do is so important." "How do you put up with me?" "I only do it because I always wanted to date a construction worker." "Babe, I'm an architect." "Here you go, Alphabet." "It's a pill and a puff pastry." "That's how we get grandma to take her hormones." "She's three hundred pounds but she doesn't have a mustache anymore." " Oh, hey." " Hey." "Did you really go to the hospital last night?" "Yes." " Did you need me?" " No." "Were you really with Russ last night?" "Yes." " Is he your new BFF?" " No." "It's over." "We broke up." "Yeah." "He's too much of a "drama queen"." "I would rather rip out my eyebrows and strangle myself than hang out with a "drama queen"." " You want a beer?" " Sure." "Coaster?" "I drank out of a toilet yesterday." "We can forget the coaster." "You know that I'm okay if you have other friends, right?" " Yeah." " I know I'm a lot to deal with." "Turns out I'd rather deal with the drama I know than the drama who purposely sticks his hand into the deep fryer." "I actually had to take that wingnut to the hospital." "And get this" " Wyatt saved his fingers." "You know, apparently, he does that kind of thing all the time." "Wow." "Tastes really good." "What's the crunchy center?" "Joe, don't worry, but in about ten minutes you're going to get really thirsty, and then tonight you're going to want to make love in a different position." "I didn't need new friends that badly." "I thought it would be more fun than this." "Nine minutes left to play..." "Pause it." "I think that fellow's ball is coming out of his uniform."