"What are you doin'?" "Why do you clutter up the counter with this junk?" "They're called impulse items, dad." "Bah." "People don't have impulses." "I'm having one right now." "How stupid do you think people are?" ""Here's 20 bucks for gas" and "oh, what's this, licorice?" "I know I shouldn't, but I can't resist." "" Eeaah!" "You had impulse items when you ran the place." "*" "Sure, you can trick a kid." "Kids are stupid." "Your days of outwitting seven-Year-Olds are over." "Now it's illegal for kids to smoke." "What?" "Since when?" "Is it illegal for kids to smoke?" "What am i, a lawyer?" "* you can tell me that your dog ran away * * then tell me that it took three days * * i've heard every joke i've heard every one you say *" "* you think there's not a lot goin' on * * look closer baby you're so wrong * * and that's why you can stay so long * * where there's not a lot goin' on **" "hey, is nougat a real thing or did they make that up?" "Chocolate is the last thing I want to talk about." "My tooth is killing me." "What, still?" "I thought you were gettin' that thing yanked." "It'll be fine." "It only hurts if i..." "Aah!" "When i..." "Aah!" "When you pronounce vowels?" "That could be problematic." "When did you see a dentist?" "A couple years?" "A couple years ago." "You haven't been..." "Oh, three or four." "'92, okay?" "It was 1992." "You should squeeze in a visit every decade or so." "Four to five dentists recommend seeing a dentist." "I'm not sure what the fifth guy's thinking." "The last guy was a sadist sicko." "Come on." "He wore a leather lab coat." "So go see someone else." "Nougat, nou-Gat." "How old are you?" "dr." "Hertz, dr." "Payne, dr." "Yankem." "not very encouraging." "You're makin' those names up." "Uh-Uh." "Wow!" "Dr. Payne." "I think he fought spiderman." "This one, dr." "Mcgee." "That's the psycho I went to last time." "Mcgee doesn't sound bad." "His first name's lance." "There, go to this guy." "Dr. Samuel fenwood." "Sam fenwood sounds solid, huh?" "Type of guy who'd help you build your house." ""Hey, sammy, toss me that hammer. "" ""You got it, Brent. "" ""Nice toss." "You want a beer?"" ""Sure, get a beer, watch a game. "" ""I like the way you think, sammy. "" "You in love with this guy?" "Is there a picture?" "I'd need a babysitter for tanner." "That shouldn't be difficult." "He's a bit bratty." "What do you mean bratty?" "You know, kind of hell spawnish." "Do you want to do it?" "Wha..." "Ding, ding." "Oh, someone's at the pumps." "Aah!" "One chilI cheese dog." "Bless you for puttin' hotdogs back on the menu." "You like it?" "Love it!" "Hah!" "That's a tofu dog with veggie chili." "No, it isn't." "It's a maple leaf top dog, all beef." "I compliment your choice." "They were on sale." "Hey, Wanda, you want some lunch?" "I want someone to kick me in the jaw." "It's hard to have a regular conversation here." "I need a babysitter." "I gotta go to a dentist in Saskatoon." "One of the local gals could help out." "Uh-Uh." "Guys?" "Uh-Uh." "There's something attractive about a man who likes kids." "If you're in a bind, Wanda, I could babysit." "But you said you were..." "Very, very busy, yes." "But I could help out with little tanner." "Tanner's a great kid." "I love tanner." "His name's tanner, right?" "Yeah." "All right, then." "Thanks, Brent." "I'll go call the dentist." "Unless one of you wants to kick me in the jaw?" "No, seriously, right here." "No?" "Fine!" "That was really nice of you." "Well, i'm a problem solver." "Hey, you wanna help me babysit?" "No way." "I hate kids." "Paul, I wanna change my bet." "Put my 20 on ireland." "You can't change your bets." "Put my 20 on ireland." "Forget it." "You made your bet." "Fine." "Then I lose and can't pay my tab." "So unless you want to give me free beers, put my 20 on ireland." "What are you guys watching'?" "Soccer." "You want in on the action?" "I got a good feelin' about brazil." "Nah." "I don't know anything about soccer." "It's a complex sport." "It took me some time before I understood the game." "Hey, what's he doin'?" "You can't pick up the ball and run with it, ya moron!" "Uh, this is rugby." "Oh." "Give me ten on ireland." "Hi, Lacey." "What can I get ya?" "I feel like wine." "What's your house red?" "Not sure." "What's it say on that bag of wine?" "No, that's ketchup." "The one beside it." "You know what?" "Beer's good." "So, you guys betting to see who throws up first?" "There's a lot of money on this game." "You want in?" "No thanks, I find gambling to be a waste of time." "she doesn't understand it." "It's confusing." "For example, if I was gonna bet, what's the underage on the vig?" "Huh?" "What's the over/under on the outside line?" "Enough yakkin'." "I'm trying to watch the soccer." "That was impressive." "You know a lot about gambling?" "I made up all those words." "I think I heard vig on" "Hey, the rider's game's on tv tomorrow." "You comin' over?" "No can do." "I've gotta babysit for Wanda." "Tanner?" "Yeah, Wanda's kid." "I got 40 bucks says the kid steals Brent's shoes." "50 bucks says Brent starts crying at some point." "Two to one, he cries before 10:00." "I'll take that action." "What?" "Did you ever babysit Wanda's kid?" "Oh, yeah, once." "The kid's a nightmare." "How'd she rope you into it?" "Wanda's a friend." "She needed help." "There was no roping." "There will be." "Tanner?" "Tanner?" "Ta..." "No!" "No, no, no, no." "Put the tail down." "Put the tail down." "no-Oh!" "Hank?" "Hmm?" "Oh, man, you got your hands full with that kid!" "He's six." "Did he overpower you?" "Hey, i'm not the only one." "A lotta folks have been thrown into the pit with tanner." "You see Phil over there?" "Yeah?" "He babysat for Wanda." "So?" "Watch." "Three, two, one." "What?" "Ever since that night he can't go ten seconds" "Without lookin' behind him." "Three, two, one." "Okay, that's a little freaky." "Hey, Alice." "I was wondering if you..." "Ssshh!" "Pardon?" "this is a library." "Ssshh!" "We're the only ones here." "i'll have to ask you to leave if you don't keep it down!" "okay, all right!" "Do you have any books on child psychology?" "On what?" "Child psychology." "Chives on top of me?" "That's right, Alice." "I want a book about chives on top of you." "This is the only book we have on child psychology." "It was written in 1969." "by dr." "Spearmint fur." "I'm not familiar with his work." "You know you're sweeping gravel, uh?" "Nobody else is gonna do it." "Yeah, I wonder why that is." "What's next on your list, vacuum the trees?" "Give these bugs a good polish and wash those rocks?" "You're smart." "Groovy parents?" "What's that, a hippie book?" "Kind of, I guess." "It's about child psychology." "It's crap." "I could teach ya everything." "But could you not?" "The key is keeping them off balance, mentally." "They screw with you, you screw with them." "The kid pulls a prank, you pull two pranks." "The kid gets lippy, you smash one of his toys." "Keep 'em on their heels, you know, mentally." "Yes, I am familiar with your work." "Look, dad." "I got a new gun!" "oh, yeah?" "Look what I got!" "Want a piece a this?" "I could have sworn i repressed that memory." "You're okay looking after the place?" "I ran the place for 35 years." "I can handle it for one night" "Without burning it to the ground." "In those 35 years there were seven fires." "None of those were my fault." "Hey, Brent." "Thanks for doin' this." "Oh, no problem." "Tanner, your babysitter's here." "He should be right down." "They yank the tooth at 7:00 a." "M. Tomorrow," "So I should be done by mid afternoon." "Oh, here's some phone numbers." "How come you have police and ambulance listed first?" "Here he is." "Tanner, sweetie, this is Brent." "You remember Brent, right?" "Hey, tanner." "How ya doin'?" "You're gettin' to be a pretty big boy." "Well, isn't..." "Isn't that nice." "Say, tanner, do you have a favourite toy," "One you can't live without?" "you can't just say "emergency vehicle,"" "You have to specify." "He calls "ambulance," he calls "fire department. "" "Who called the cops?" "I don't wanna be a hard case, but gambling is illegal." "It's not gambling, it's probability analysis." "Probability of what?" "Brent is babysitting tanner." "Wanda's kid?" "Ten bucks says fat lip." "I say stitches." "50 bucks on broken bones." "Well, come on, you guys." "Burn to the face, some sort of permanent mark." "Would the loss of a tooth count as a permanent mark?" "Brent's gonna be okay, though, right?" "Right?" "tanner," "I brought some popcorn." "Do you like popcorn?" "I brought some movies over." "Come show me what movie you wanna watch." "Tanner?" "You're kinda creepin' me out here." "Here's 20 bucks for the gas." "Ooh, what's that?" "Licorice." "Oh, I know I shouldn't." "Ah, but I can't resist." "Are you bein' smart with me?" "What?" "My son sent ya, didn't he?" "All right, you've had your laugh." "Now get outta here, smart gal." "But..." "I said get out!" "Tanner, you're still here, right?" "This is just some kinda hide-And-Seek thing?" "I mean you can keep hidin' and i'll keep lookin'," "But at least let me know you're here." "ow!" "These are metal, you know?" "ah!" "And sharp." "there." "I'm giving odds on Brent getting two black eyes" "And a broken nose." "A broken nose?" "Karen?" "Go ahead." "I want ten bucks on sprained ankle, no, broken ankle." "And 20 bucks if they let me have general ankle injury." "Okay, do we have general ankle injury?" "I don't know." "Oh, we have permanent limp." "What about concussion?" "Anybody put money down on concussion?" "No!" "No-Oh-Oh!" "No-Oh-Oh-Oh!" "No-Oh-Oh!" "relax, we got more mayo." "This is crazy." "We should be ashamed of ourselves." "Our friend is in grave danger" "And we're trying to profit off his misery." "Well, i'm not playin' your sick game anymore." "Brent needs my help." "Does anybody have a coat hanger?" "I locked the keys in my truck." "You've gotta keep the kid off balance mentally, huh?" "All right." "I can do that." "The kid wants to play, I can play." "$17.21." "$17.20..." "What the hell are you doing?" "Takin' a penny." "Right under my nose, plain as day." "It says "need a penny, take a penny. "" "You a communist?" "Get outta here." "I don't need your pinko pennies." "Neuuoowh!" "What, you're not scared?" "I'm jason," "All right, i'm freddy kruger, nightmare on elm street?" "I guess six-Year-Olds don't watch a lot of slasher flicks." "Hey, you kids!" "Put those magazines down." "This is not a library." "Damn kids got nothin' better to do?" "Get outta here!" "No, no." "Mike meyers is austin powers." "Michael myers is the killer from halloween." "Oh, hi, Lacey." "What brings you over?" "I felt bad for bailing on you earlier." "I thought i'd come by and see how things were going." "It's going okay, I guess." "Come on in." "Are you sure everything's okay?" "It has been a challenge, sure, but generally okay." "I'm tired of the toy cars to the head." "Any suggestions?" "Well, I don't know." "I'm no good with kids." "Did you ask him not to whip cars at your head?" "Yeah." "So he threw a truck." "The kid's clever." "Geez, hi-Tech." "Oh, christ almighty!" "Oh!" "Ow!" "Not my fault." "Dr. Spearmint makes a good point here." "Dr. Fur, actually." "Spearmint's his given name." "But, all right, let's try it." "Tanner, dig this." "We have to set up some flexible boundaries, man." "Like we'll respect your need for individuality and freedom," "But within an elastic embrace of love." "We should sit down and rap about your headspace." "Ah, come out where we can see ya, ya little puke." "Ya..." "Ya cute little puke." "Hurts, don't it?" "Why do they make cars outta metal?" "They should know some children are evil." "I don't know, Brent, you might be in over your head with this kid." "Have you called Emma?" "I'm not gonna phone my mom." "I should be able to handle this." "I'm a grown man, he's six." "You're a grown man, he's six." "fine." "I'll be right there." "Okay, we'll hole up in here till the cavalry comes." "Mustang gt." "No, it was a cobra." "that was a mustang." "Geez, how much does Wanda spend on these things?" "Go!" "You go!" "I'm only here to help." "It would help if you go get the door." "Fine!" "Hurry!" "Hah, you missed!" "Is your arm gettin' tired?" "Unbelievable!" "Can't control one small child." "Have you got any moths that need swatting while i'm here?" "And Lacey's with you." "Hi, Emma." "We're camping?" "Two adults and the kid's got ya shivering on the floor" "Like a couple a wet puppies." "This is no ordinary kid, ma." "This kid is dangerous!" "So am i." "Told ya she was good." "Tryin' to steal your own truck?" "You're not exactly lex luthor, are ya?" "I locked my keys in the truck." "Brent's in trouble!" "Ankle?" "I don't know." "But I gotta help him." "You're a cop, Davis, you must know how to do this." "Okay, listen up." "The first thing you gotta know, your passenger window is open." "Hope that helps." "Thanks, Davis." "What time is it?" "9:" "28.Perfect." "Watch and learn." "Tanner vincent dollard," "In two minutes it'll be 9:30." "If you are not in bed by 9:30," "I will be coming upstairs" "And I won't be coming empty handed." "Was that so hard?" "How did you do that?" "Two key elements." "Use their whole name." "They hardly ever hear all three of their names," "So it kind of puts them off balance." "Mentally?" "Exactly." "Second, give them an open-Ended threat," "Nothing specific." "That way their fertile little imaginations" "Fill in the gap with the worst thing they can think of." "Whoa, I just got a chill." "Look out!" "Smash!" "Bam!" "Brent herbert LeRoy, you get your tail in bed" "Or you won't like what happens next!" "Which is the kid's room." "a child's imagination is their strength" "And their weakness." "You're like yoda." "I don't know what that means." "Thanks again for comin' over." "No problem." "I wish I could have been more help." "Brent!" "Brent!" "Are you okay?" "I'm fine, Hank." "He's a six-Year-Old kid." "Where is he?" "He could be watchin' us right now." "Ah, relax." "He's upstairs asleep." "Yeah." "Really?" "That's impressive." "How'd ya do it?" "He called his mommy." "He called Wanda?" "No," "I thought she might be lonely with dad running the store." "Hmm, Brent called Emma." "That was your bet, wasn't it?" "Yep." "50 bucks on Brent calls Emma." "Three-To-One odds, that's 150 bucks." "I'd take a car to the head any day for that." "Lacey esther Burrows!" "That's not my middle name." "Charlene?" "Gerdie?" "Sunshine?" "Fern?" "*" "*" "vertical" "* I don't know the same things you don't know *" "* I don't know I just don't know *" "* it's a great big place * * full of nothin' but space * * and it's my happy place *" "* I don't know yes you do * * you just won't admit it *" "* I don't know the same things you don't know *" "We're on the interweb at cornergas." "Com" "* I don't know *" "* I just don't know **"