"( theme song playing )" "I'll bet two." "I shall call your two gingersnaps and raise you two coconut macaroons." "I'm in." "SCHULTZ:" "Achtung!" "All lights out at once!" "What do you think he's got?" "Nothing, that's what." "Nothing." "Achtung!" "All lights out at once!" "Do you think he's bluffing?" "Of course he's bluffing;" "he's always bluffing." "But he's not bluffing me out of this spot." "Or me;" "I call." "I drop." "I'm going to tell you achtung, all light out at once!" "And I'm going to keep telling you until they are!" "I..." "I have strict..." "Hmm." "Coconut macaroons." "Get your fat hands out of the pot, Schultz." "( artillery firing )" "Air raid!" "The underground's right on time." "8:15 to the second." "Wonder what they hit tonight-- secret torpedo factory?" "No, I think it was the secret rocket fuel tanks." "You can come out now, Schultzy." "It wasn't anything serious." "Just a little sabotage from the underground." "Why did you say it was sabotage?" "And how did you know about the secret torpedo bases and about the... fuel tanks?" "Never mind how we know about them, Schultz." "How do you know about them?" "Where are you getting your information, Schultz?" "Top secret installations!" "I heard it from you." "SCHULTZ:" "I-I did!" "I didn't listen on purpose." "I just happened to be under the table when you were telling about the explosions." "I think he might be telling the truth, sir." "You may be right, Newkirk, but you can't take chances." "Remember, the enemy is everywhere." "Enemy?" "Me, an enemy?" "I'm just as loyal a German soldier as any prisoner here in this room." "We know that, Schultz, and we respect you for it." "Danke." "Now, tell me, why are the lights still on in Colonel Klink's office?" "And why are the shades down and the drapes drawn?" "Why do you think?" "Klink is obviously dining with a young lady." "It's not a girl." "It's a Gestapo agent who works directly on..." "I must get back to my post." "Wait, wait a minute, Schultz." "What's this about the Gestapo agent?" "Very tasty." "But the macaroons could use a little bit more of coconut." "Let's talk about the Gestapo agent, Schultz." "I know nothing, I see nothing and I say nothing." "You say nothing because your mouth's always full of our food." "Oh, pardon me." "I must get back to my post." "Please let me know when you are playing poker again." "This mission demands absolute secrecy." "Well, there was this..." "He understands completely, Herr Hindmann." "Yes, sir." "Completely, sir." "Also, if it is necessary, all your troops, guards and personnel are to be placed under my command at once." "What?" "Oh, that's impossible." "He's well aware of that, too, Herr Hindmann." "Yes, sir, I'm well aware of that, too." "Are you looking for something, Herr Hindmann?" "I'm just checking for hidden microphones." "I am known only as a loyal, trustworthy member of the German underground." "I must remain above suspicion until we have prepared our little trap." "The Gestapo is planning a surprise for the treacherous dogs." "HINDMANN:" "That's right, General." "This Gestapo agent sounds like real trouble." "Did you ever know one who wasn't?" "Leave him to me, Colonel, and I'll see to it that he's no trouble at all." "Sure, kill a Gestapo agent, we'll really be in a mess." "Who will know he's been killed?" "I'll make it look like he died of an accidental cutthroat." "Well, you don't have to worry about finding any hidden microphones here." "I have personally checked every inch of this office." "Do you remember General von Rohder, gentlemen?" "The late General and I were classmates." "What did he die of, sir?" "A sudden transfer to the Russian front." "There's a lot of that going around now." "How well I remember suggesting to the General it might be wise to have a security check of his office." "Do you know what General von Rohder said?" "I have a feeling it was the same thing Colonel Klink said." "Word for word." "He personally had checked every inch of that office." "And you found a hidden microphone?" "14, to be exact." "Fourteen." "Von Rohder had a bigger radio audience than Winston Churchill." "It's time I got back." "There's one thing more, Colonel." "Klink!" "I want to leave some papers in your safe tomorrow night." "Certainly, Herr Hindmann." "I'll write down the combination for you." "Don't bother." "I'll have my men change the lock in the morning." "The papers will remain in the safe until they are picked up Friday night by my superior." "These papers must be very important." "HINDMANN:" "Extremely important, General." "They might be called... the German underground's death warrant." "We'd better warn the underground that one of their men is a spy." "Until we know which one is, we'll be doing more harm than good." "You think they may know about our setup?" "We won't know what he knows until we see those papers that he's going to stash in Klink's safe." "Just leave that to the magic fingers of Peter Newkirk, your friendly, neighborhood safecracker." "LeBeau, Yes, sir." "Newkirk, get over to Klink's office tonight and yank out all those listening bugs." "Too risky leaving them there." "Right, sir." "Oui, Colonel." "The Gestapo is planning something big for Friday night." "That only leaves us two days to find out what it is and how to stop it." "I agree, Herr General, but why does Herr Hindmann have to use my guards, my office and my safe?" "Klink, my policy has always been complete cooperation with the Gestapo, providing I feel that their requests are reasonable." "I agree with you, sir." "I agree." "Fortunately, I have found all of their requests quite reasonable... no matter how unreasonable they were." "But you see, sir, it's just that Fraulein Hilda has taken a leave of absence, and the work is going to pile up until I can find a replacement for her." "All you had to do is tell me about it, and you would have another secretary like that." "Yes, sir, I did that six days ago." "And what did I say?" "That I could have another secretary just like that." "You didn't tell me how long a time" ""just like that" would be, and that was six days ago." "You have already told me that it was six days ago." "I'll see what I can do in the morning." "Doesn't have to be the first thing." "When I say something, Klink, I mean it." "Don't ever doubt my word." "No, sir, I don't." "I didn't six days ago, and I won't six days from now." "Outer office tap and phone tap." "Inner office tap and the private line tap." "What's in the bag?" "Liquor cabinet tap." "Hey!" "* Ta-da!" "Hold it, hold it." "Now, I know that Colonel Klink doesn't touch the stuff, but I thought it'd be wise to remove it from any temptation." "Very thoughtful of you two." "That's what enemies are for, sir." "You get everything?" "Not quite." "We had to leave a bottle of crème de menthe, and two bottles of..." "I mean our stuff." "Uh, yes, sir; now I say, let's, uh..." "You say let's put the liquor away until the proper time, right, Newkirk?" "Yes, sir, you took the words right out of my mouth." "Took a little scotch out of it, too." "This is just what you need, Gertrud." "Something to keep you busy, active." "Who wants to be busy, active?" "I'm happy sitting at home with Mama." "Wouldn't it be nicer to sit around the house with a husband?" "Maybe." "Whose husband?" "Don't be coy, Gertrud." "I'm talking about marriage." "You are always talking about marriage." "How do I know I am a widow?" "Otto was only reported missing in action." "That was three years ago." "You're a good-looking girl." "You'd make somebody a good wife." "I would like to get married again if the right man came along." "Even if the wrong man comes along, you'd better grab him." "Beggars can't be choosers, you know." "Albert!" "Ah, General Burkhalter," "Frau Linkmeyer, what a pleasant surprise." "What is so surprising about it, Klink?" "I said you'd have a secretary the first thing this morning." "Yes, sir, you did." "What time will she be here?" "She's here right now." "You don't mean your sister?" "What is wrong with that?" "Oh, no, no, nothing." "It's a wonderful idea, but, you see, it's very complicated work." "What is so complicated about it?" "I can make twice the mess I see here." "Well, you see, work has been piling up ever since Fraulein Hilda left, and that..." "That is no excuse to leave an office looking like this." "Here, dump this." "But I-I-I..." "You can also get rid of this." "Bring me a broom on your way back." "Yes, ma'am." "You see, Gertrud," "Colonel Klink really does need a secretary." "What he really needs is a maid." "What he really needs is a wife." "You know, Klink reminds me a lot of Otto." "Mm, ja, ja, he does." "All right, Newkirk, you got everything you need to crack that safe?" "All set, sir." "We don't have too much time." "You've got to get the safe door open," "LeBeau's got to photograph all those papers, and we have to get everything back in order by the time the guard returns." "It takes him exactly 15 minutes to make his rounds." "It's not going to take more than a couple of seconds to open that bread box of old Klink's." "I can have anything photographed in three minutes at the most." "CARTER:" "This job's not so tough after all." "KINCH:" "As a matter of fact, it isn't." "Ah, Colonel Hogan, Kommandant Klink wants to see you in his office." "What's he want, Schultz?" "I think he wants to talk to you about his new secretary." "He has a new secretary?" "General Burkhalter got her." "What's she look like, Schultz?" "General Burkhalter." "It's his sister." "His sister." "Poor Klink." "She's doing a fine job." "Oh, sure, and leading him to the altar." "No, it's all business." "She caught up with most of the back work, and she plans to finish the rest tonight." "Tonight?" "How late do you think she's going to be working, Schultz?" "At the rate she's going now, she won't stop until tomorrow morning." "Well, we can't let her work that hard." "Colonel Klink is probably worried about her health." "No, he's worried about his health." "He's hiding in his office." "Let's get over there." "Sounds like an emergency." "All right." "Ah, Colonel Hogan, come in, come in!" "That's all, Schultz." "You can tell Mrs. Linkmeyer that I will probably be in conference all afternoon, so she can take the rest of the day off." "I told her that before, Herr Kommandant, but she will not leave." "Tell her it's an order." "Herr Kommandant, she will not listen to me." "She has to be told it is an order by a man who gives orders." "All right, you tell her, Hogan." "That's a very good idea." "Schultz!" "Out!" "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "Uh, Colonel?" "I'd like to help you, but I'd be the last one to try to tell a Gestapo agent to do anything." "Gestapo agent?" "Hogan, I'm talking about General Burkhalter's sister." "So am I." "How long do you think she's been working for them?" "You think she's really a Gestapo agent?" "You don't think she's a secretary, do you?" "No!" "Well, I think she's General Burkhalter's idea of somebody who'd make me a wonderful wife." "It makes a good cover story." "But I still say the Gestapo put her here as a spy." "But who's there to spy on?" "Hogan... you don't mean me?" "!" "Naturally, they'd only be interested in the top man, just to see what he's up to." "Why would the Gestapo want to check up on me?" "Who knows?" "I guess you don't find out until your trial." ""Trial"?" "Hogan, I have an unblemished military record." "Stalag 13 serves as a model prison camp." "There's never been an escape." "There has never been any..." "Don't tell me." "Tell her." "I have served my country faithfully and courageously." "I won't even mention the many acts of heroism done without any regard for personal safety!" "( half-whisper ):" "Am I talking loud enough?" "Gertrud isn't going to be impressed by talk." "Unless it's accompanied by soft music, champagne and a candlelight dinner for two." "I'd say one night should do it." "Do what?" "Whatever you said." "She'll be putty in your hands." "I don't want her to be putty in my hands!" "I don't want her even sitting here in my office." "Now that you know she's been put here to spy on you, it'd be a good idea to make sure she's on your side." "Remember, she is a woman." "Yes, an unmarried woman." "One date with her, and General Burkhalter would consider it a marriage proposal." "That's the chance you're going to have to take." "I don't have to take any chances." "I'm an officer." "And a good one." "I'm going to miss you, Colonel." "Even if she is working for the Gestapo, what could she say against me?" "Anything she wants to." "You know how it is with a woman scorned." "I haven't scorned her." "You flatly refused to take her to dinner tonight." "But, Hogan, that would make it look as if I had romantic intentions." "By tomorrow, General Burkhalter would start printing wedding invitations." "That's a problem." "But which song do you prefer" ""The Wedding March," or "A Siberian Sleigh Ride"?" "This is Colonel Klink speaking, Frau Linkmeyer." "I would like to talk to you about something, if you have a moment... my dear." "Watch the door, Kinch." "Hello, you chubby little rascal." "It's me again-- the nice man with the warm hands and the short fingernails." "She'll be open in two shakes." "Better make that four shakes." "What's the trouble?" "This lock is a little more complicated than the old one." "They've done something to silence the tumblers." "But old Doctor Newkirk has a cure for that." "What's that for?" "This is a stethoscope, LeBeau." "Picks up the slightest sound." "So, if I could have just a little quiet?" "( phone rings )" "Carter, grab the phone." "Well, it can't be for me." "Nobody even knows I'm here." "Just pick up the phone and say it's the wrong number." "( ringing continues )" "( gruff German accent ):" "I'm sorry." "You've got the wrong number." "Well, so what if you haven't told me who you're calling yet." "No matter who you're calling, you still got the wrong number because I don't even have a phone." "Carter!" "( normal voice ):" "What's that?" "You think I'm being very rude?" "Well, I didn't mean to be." "Well, maybe I was, but I really didn't mean to be." "All right, go ahead and tell me who you were calling." "Frieda Hoffman Friendship Club?" "She really does have the wrong number." "Well, I was trying to hang up, but she wouldn't let me." "( phone rings )" "( gruff voice ):" "Hello?" "( normal voice ):" "Oh, hi." "Well, I didn't hang up on you." "I'm telling you the truth." "Well, I-I can't help it if I sound like Frieda." "This is not a friendship club." "No, it's a prisoner of war camp." "That's right." "Who am I?" "I'm a prisoner." "Now she's gonna think I hung up on her again." "Wrap it up, will you?" "The guard's heading back this way." "We'll have to try again tomorrow night." "Newkirk, you think you can do it?" "No trouble at all, sir." "Just keep Carter off of that phone." "She called me." "I didn't call her." "( phone rings )" "Morning, Colonel." "Thought I'd stop in and see how the evening went." "It couldn't have gone better, Hogan." "I was at the top of my game." "Knew you would be, sir." "Please sit down." "Would you care for a cigar?" "Oh, thanks." "Good, good." "Oh, I was a delightful dinner companion last night." "There was never any suggestion of any romantic intentions on my part." "Sounds like you had the situation well under control, sir." "Oh, completely." "I was a master of diplomacy." "Oh, last night, as we were saying good-bye," "I could sense that I'd won both her respect and her admiration." "Well, you shouldn't have a worry in the world after your date tonight." "What date tonight?" "Your date with Gertrud." "After this one, she'll be putty in your hands." "She was supposed to be putty after last night." "She was putty in my hands." "You want her to stay that way, don't you?" "Certainly I do, but that doesn't..." "This is the coup de grace, the knockout punch." "You're fighting for your life." "She likes me." "You know how fickle Gestapo agents are." "They're here today, you're gone tomorrow." "But she was planning to work tonight..." "I don't care what she was planning to do." "Who's running this camp?" "You are." "I am." "You give the orders here, right?" "Yes, I do." "Nobody's gonna tell you what to do." "No, they're not." "Get on that phone and make a date with Gertrud right now." "Yes, I will." "How you doing, LeBeau?" "All finished, Colonel." "Be careful, they're still damp." "Blimey, Hindmann's really got some information." "Well, at least there's nothing about our setup." "Yeah, but that doesn't mean..." "Uh-oh." "The underground's target for tomorrow night." "Krump Oil Refineries." "That calls for an all-out attack." "The underground's going to have every unit, and the SS is going to be waiting right there for them." "CARTER:" "We'll just have to tell them to call it off." "HOGAN:" "Right." "Kinch, contact the underground immediately." "All right, Colonel." "Hold it, hold it." "Wait a minute." "The only SS troops in this area are guarding the ammo supply." "If they pull them off for the Krump oil refineries, the ammo supply is going to be wide open." "Then all we'd have to do is switch targets." "It's not quite that simple." "Hindmann would know of any change in plans." "We got to get him first." "How?" "We don't know anything about him." "We know one thing-- his voice." "Newkirk's got a good ear." "Think you could recognize him if you heard him again?" "I don't know." "I could try." "Try is all we need." "Let's go." "Lock the door." "Schnell." "Hello." "( faint beeping )" "Bruno, this is Goldilocks." "You have a mission set for tomorrow night?" "Yes, and it's a big one." "Fine, good luck." "Let me speak to Gerber." "Gerber, this is Goldilocks." "Everything set for tomorrow night?" "Fine." "Anything you need?" "Good luck." "Let me speak to Friedloff." "Yes, Goldilocks?" "Everything set for tomorrow night?" "It's going to be a big one, isn't it?" "Fine." "Yeah, it's going to be a surprise." "Anything you need?" "Fine, let me talk to Christian." "Christian, Friedloff is a Gestapo agent." "They know about your plan for tomorrow night." "But here's a plan they don't know about." "Come on." "I bet two gingersnaps." "I fold." "I'll call you, but you've been nibbling one of those." "I have not." "Yes, you have." "Achtung!" "You will turn out the lights at once!" "I call you, Carter." "Schultz, you'd better get under the table." "Explosion is due any second." "Explosion?" "The underground's blowing up the ammo supply." "( chuckling ):" ""The ammo supply."" "( laughing ):" "With 1,000 SS men on guard, they're going to blow up the ammo supply." "( explosion )" "( gasping )" "They did blow up the ammo supply!" "No kidding." "You all knew it before it even happened." "How-how, how did you know it?" "Schultz, we know nothing, we see nothing, we say nothing." ""We know nothing, we see nothing, we say nothing."" "Very good." "I have to remember that." "Hogan, this is your fault, and you've got do something!" "Take it easy, Colonel." "How can I, when suddenly Gertrud is getting some very funny, romantic ideas?" "Well, what do you expect after the big rush you've been giving her?" "That was your idea." "To save your neck." "Mm!" "Now the rest of me is in trouble, too." "Tonight I'm invited over for a very quiet, home-cooked dinner." "That's bad." "And she doesn't call me "Colonel" anymore." "Now she calls me Wilhelm." "That's terrible." "And what's worse, General Burkhalter calls me Wilhelm, too." "Now, he's called me lots of things, but never Wilhelm." "Oh, Wilhelm, I just wanted to..." "Oh, I didn't know you were busy." "No, I was just leaving." "Hogan, you stay right here until I tell you to go." "Yes, sir." "If you'd get a little more sleep, Colonel, you wouldn't be so cranky." "Hogan!" "Fatigue is what it is, Frau Linkmeyer." "Believe me, we were mighty happy when Hilda took the leave of absence." "She and the colonel were quite a pair." "A pair of what?" "Oh, I mean, work all day, play all night." "I don't know how Colonel Klink has held up this long." "Hogan, what are you...?" "Butt out, Wilhelm!" "So, Colonel Klink and Hilda were running around together, eh?" "Among others." "I must say, his escapades did give us something to talk about." "( chuckling )" ""Casanova Klink," we called him." "With you here, he won't be burning the candle at both ends." "He can burn the candle at both ends and go up in flames with it, for all I care!" "I'm through!" "Gertrud, what do you mean?" "I mean you can get yourself another playmate and secretary," "Casanova!" "I quit!" "( door slamming )" "Gertrud, wait." "Afraid she's gone, sir." "I'm afraid she has." "Hogan, it's in a moment like this when I'm sorry that you and I are not on the same side." "Thank you, Colonel." "Believe me, a great many moments," "I'm glad that you are."