"* From Mayfair to Park Lane" "* You will hear the same refrain" "* In every house again, again" "You rang, m'lord?" "* Stepping out on the town" "* The social whirl goes round and round" "* The rich are up, the poor are down" "You rang, m'lord?" "* The bunny hug at the Shim-Sham Club" "* The Charleston at The Ritz" "* And at the Troc, do the turkey trot" "* They give Aunt Maud a thousand fits" "* Saucy flappers in plush hats" "* Natty chappies in white spats" "* The upper set is going bats" "You rang, m'lord?" "Ah, the Stilton." "It's very difficult, Cissy." "Your mother used to see to all the parties." " It's been over three years, Daddy." " Have I missed something?" "I reminded Daddy about everyone who's asked us to dinner and we haven't had anyone back." "Why don't you take the Albert Hall and have a super binge?" " Don't be soppy, Gerry." " It's that or a dinner party every night." " The staff wouldn't stand for that." " More Château d'Yquem?" "Yes." "Open another bottle, will you?" " This is another bottle, m'lord." " Oh, good." "It would be a jolly good idea if we could get it all over in one evening." "There wouldn't be room for them all." "Stokes, how many people could we get in the house?" "It would depend on what they were doing, m'lord." " Just social intercourse." " I beg your pardon, sir?" "Eating and talking and drinking." "When you had the poetry reading, m'lord, we accommodated 40." "That's the answer." "We'll have a soirée and everybody can do their party pieces." "Nobody has soirées these days, Daddy." "That's Victorian." " Well, I am a Victorian." " I can do my conjuring tricks." "He's an absolute wizard." "You'll be amazed at what he can do with a rope." "Madge can sing that thing from that Egyptian opera." "You know, where all the people march up and down." "Nobody would want to come to a thing like that." "They would if they knew Gerry was going to stand on his head in a kilt." "I'll never live that down, will I?" "Suppose we were to have someone like Noël Coward?" " You wouldn't get him." " Really?" "Teddy and I have met him." " Haven't we, Teddy?" " Yes, we have." " (Cissy) Where?" " The Turkish baths." " He was frightfully amusing." " (Madge) What did he say?" "It's not so much what he says as how he says it." " Well, how did he say it?" " Sort of, "Ha-ha." "Oh, rrreally?"" "That's terribly good, Teddy." "Just between us, Noël wants me to put him up for my club." " Surely they wouldn't have actors?" " They might if I put him up." "He's the toast of London, absolutely lionised." "He's used to mixing with royalty." "That's all right, plenty of kings and queens about." "We'll invite a couple." " They'll jump at it, if Noël's coming." " Couldn't we get the Prince of Wales?" " I think he's scrumptious." " It would have to be the foreign ones." "What's the name of the chap we met at that do at the Albanian embassy?" " Prince Zog introduced us." " Oh, yes, I remember." "Boris." " Now, he was king of somewhere." " Yes, Dalmatia." "After that trouble in the Balkans, he was chucked out." "He's now living in Pimlico, in Tachbrook Street." "He might give me one of those orders I can wear across my chest." "You are a show-off, Teddy." "All right, we'll have him." " Take an invitation tomorrow, Stokes." " Very good, m'lord." " Good evening, all." " (All) Evening." "It's a bit chilly tonight." " Have a drop of Château Yquem." " Oh, yes." "I always like that." "There's some fricassée of veal in the oven if you'd like it." "Oh, I couldn't eat another thing." "They had navarin of lamb at No.8." "It melted in the mouth." "I had two helpings." "If there's any going, I wouldn't mind it." "I've never tasted fricassée of veal." "Take my advice, Mabel." "Stick to plain food." "There's that cabbage left over from lunch." "It'll make a nice bubble and squeak if you've got some potatoes." "Thank you." "I'll look forward to that." "It strikes me, Constable, that you prefer No.8's cooking to mine." "Oh, no, Mrs Lipton." "Your beef is a legend, not to mention your excellent cherry cake." "As for the wine, Mr Stokes, their butler doesn't know what time of day it is." " New bottle?" " Yeah." "They were greedy upstairs." "They only left a drop in the bottom so I had to open another one." "Do you realise that the price of a bottle would keep you in wages for a month?" "Well, here's to the merry month of May." "You'll never guess, Constable Wilson." "Mrs Lipton's going to be cooking for royalty." "Queen Mary fed up of cooking the King's chips, is she?" "No." "They've got a foreign king coming." "King 'Orace." "Boris." "He's the king of the Dalmatians." "They make nice dogs in Dalmatia." "They've got black spots all over 'em." "We are well aware of what a Dalmatian dog looks like, Henry." "I think I'll do my lobster quenelle and my chicken julienne, and then I'll finish up with Charlotte Russe." " That's all nice and foreign." " I shall look forward to that." "If they've got royalty coming, I ought to be on duty outside the front gate." "Yes, I'll have a word with the sergeant." "He won't mind if his lordship makes it worth his while." "And that's not all." "We've got Noël Coward coming." "He's the toast of London and he's been lionised." "Whatever that means." "I think it's a bit like chromium-plating." "That's oxidised." "Ow!" "I read in the paper that wherever Noël Coward goes, he makes people laugh with his jokes and sophisticated wit." "You must remember what he says and keep coming down and telling me." "I don't know why they make a fuss about an old king and queen being kicked out the country." "If you ask me, they should kick them all out, ours included." "Oh!" "You're quite right, Mr Stokes." "Do away with them all." "Mabel, go home at once!" "And you can't have the cabbage." "Mr Stokes, I must protest." "As a constable in the Metropolitan Police, I can't hear this talk of anarchy." " Why don't you arrest him, then?" " I could, you know." "Sedation is a very serious crime." "You are a swag pot, Teddy." "Fancy asking the King about that sort of thing!" "They're used to it." "He'll make you a grand duke for L5,000." "No, thanks." "I'm already a lord." "Between you and me, his aide Count Zarkof dropped me a hint that if I rustle up L1 ,000, he'd make me a Knight of the Royal Swan, First Class." "Well, he's giving Noël Coward one for nothing." "But he makes the King laugh." "I find me rather boring." "Don't be too boring." "I've got this chap coming, Sir Fred Kendall." "Not that awful common man you met at the Derby?" "Don't be such a snob, Teddy!" "He's a self-made man." "He owns 450 chemists' shops, Kendall's Kut-price Kemists, all spelt with a K." " Why on earth do you want to ask him?" " Business, Teddy." "If we get him to stock our products in his shops, it'll be a huge deal." " Under the counter?" " No." "He'll advertise out in the open." "You'll see them all over the place - "you can depend on Union Jacks."" "Ghastly!" "We need a big sale to make up for that fiasco in central Africa." " What happened?" " The natives bought one per family... and stuck it up on the hut with a drawing pin." "Anyway, his wife's very keen to meet Noël Coward, and Sir Fred is a frightful snob, so, with the King of Dalmatia and Noël, I should be able to land that contract." "(Man) They're in the steam room, Mr Coward." " Oh, really?" "Thanks." " (Man) Mr Coward, you are a caution." " What did I tell you?" "Here he comes." " Ah, Meldrum, dear fellow," "I must say, you look in the pink." " Hello, Teddy." " Hello, Noël." "Please, don't get up, but if you do, be terribly careful." "I received your invitation about next Thursday evening." "Unfortunately, I can't come." "It's the opening night of my new play, Sirocco." " Oh, no!" " Terribly sorry, dear boy." "There'll be dozens of people there." "I shall be absolutely lionised." "Pity." "I was looking forward to seeing your mother-in-law, Lady Lavender." "We've known each other for years." "We used to have tea at Gunther's." " She's getting rather bizarre these days." " She was always fond of fruitcake." " That's awfully good!" " Teddy, please." " Thank you." " Couldn't you manage it?" "I have royalty coming." " Foreign, I suppose?" " Yes, I'm afraid so." "I hope you haven't invited that boring Dutch couple who ride around on bicycles and wear ordinary clothes." "Royalty should always dress the part." "I like a king to look like a king, and a queen to look like a queen." "I invited the King and Queen of Dalmatia." "Very small, Dalmatia." "The King's a great fan of yours." "He thinks you're terribly witty." "Oh, really?" "Ha-ha-ha." "Between you and me, I think he wants to invest you with the Royal Order of the Swan." " Why a swan?" " Well, it's their national emblem." "In that case, I'll pop round for half an hour." "I've never been awarded a Royal Swan, although from time to time, I have been given the odd goose." "I got the shock of my life when I took the invitation to King Boris in Pimlico." "Him and his wife and some fellow he calls his aide live in a flat over a mucky chemist's shop in Tachbrook Street." "You know what they call themselves?" "The King and Queen of Dalmatia." "They haven't got tuppence!" "All he's got is a funny uniform and a hat with feathers in it." " Aw...the poor things." " Don't waste your sympathy, Ivy." "They're no better than any of us." "But they have got royal blood, and that's what counts." "I'm sure they'll all enjoy the wonderful spread I'm going to prepare." "Now, by my reckoning, the party's going to get through 18 lobsters..." "And there's us down here, not forgetting Constable Wilson." "You'd better make it 24." "You couldn't make it 25, could you?" "I can't remember the last time I had lobster." "Get on with the shelves, Mabel." "You can't order an extra six lobsters just for us!" "That's disgraceful!" "Have you no thought for his lordship's reputation, James?" "What if they run out?" "Are you going to go up to them and say," ""Excuse me, My Majesty, all the lobster's gone." ""Would you like some cold rice pudding?"" "You promised Mabel the cold rice pudding." "It really is absolutely imperative that nothing goes wrong on Thursday." "I've been thinking." "As the national emblem of Dalmatia is a swan, let's get a model of a swan made of ice as a centrepiece on the table." "I don't think that's a good idea, Teddy." "If they're late and it's a hot night, it will melt and all you'll be left with is a puddle." "You could say the swan had dived under the water." "You've been mixing too much with Noël Coward." "You could have one made of sugar." "Fortnum's do them." "Let's get Fortnum's to do the whole spread." "That's a good idea, Teddy." "Mrs Lipton's food's getting a bit boring." "I didn't say anything, but last week, I found an earwig in my salad." " Ugh!" " Good Lord!" "Imagine what would happen if Noël found an earwig in his salad." " Or the King." " Coming from Dalmatia, he's used to it." "Since your dear mother died, there's been no supervision downstairs." "She used to go through the household accounts, check the larder, cleanliness, everything." "It's probably all gone to pot." "One of you should take it on." " Don't look at me." " You are the eldest." " But I'm hopeless at that sort of thing." " I'll do it." "I don't mind." "They've been very slack recently." "I'll liven them up." "Particularly James." "I know what, I'll round it off with brandy snaps filled with Chantilly cream, maids of honour tarts and glacé fruits." "Oh, it'll be wonderful, and no one can do it better than you." "Miss Poppy!" "Oh, well, this is a surprise." "We don't expect to see you below stairs." "Obviously." "Why are you all sitting around doing nothing?" "Mrs Lipton was preparing the menu for the function, Miss Poppy." "Does that take four of you, and tea and biscuits?" "We usually have a break at this time, miss." "If you ask me, your life is one long break." "Daddy thinks you're getting slack and he told me to see what you're up to." " This shelf's very sticky." " Mabel's just washed it." "Hold your tongue!" "If I want your opinion, I shall ask for it." "This sink is filthy!" "Well, I keep pouring dirty water down it." " And why is the water so dirty?" " Cos I'm washing down the shelves." "If you washed them regularly, they wouldn't be dirty, nor would the water." " Henry, you look a mess." "Do your tie up." " I was stoking the boiler, miss." "So I can see from your hands." "You could plant potatoes under your fingernails!" "Do you call that a clean apron, Mrs Lipton?" "I've been making lunch, miss." " In a dirty apron?" " It wasn't dirty when I started." "Don't answer me back, Mrs Lipton." "What's all this?" "24 lobsters, 36 breasts of chicken..." " That's for the function, Miss Poppy." " You won't need this." "Fortnum  Mason are going to do the entire thing." "Oh!" "Oh!" "But why, Miss Poppy?" "Because we have very important guests coming and we need the food to be of the very best." "With respect, Miss Poppy, that's not fair." "I beg your pardon?" "Mrs Lipton is the finest cook of any household in the street." "In all the years I've served his lordship, there's never been any complaint." "She's only ever received the very highest praise." "How dare you question my father's judgment?" "I shall see you in his study now." "Properly dressed." "Cor!" "What a little bitch!" "James, will you ever learn that sometimes, it's best to keep your mouth shut?" "It was so unfair." "I couldn't stand by and see Mrs Lipton humiliated." "Mr Twelvetrees, you were wonderful." "You stood there like a knight in shining armour." "Thank you, Ivy." "That armour'll come in handy when you're getting the sack." "Take my advice, James." "Go and have a big mouthful of humble pie." " (Sobbing)" " Oh, 'eck!" "Come on, Blanche, don't take on." "Oh, the shame!" "The humiliation!" "I..." "I haven't been spoken to like that since I was a scullery maid!" "Oh, she's just a silly little cow." "I know where there's a bottle of Cognac in the cellar that's 100 years old." "That'll put the colour back in your cheeks." "Oh, Alf, you're a bad lad, but you've got such a kind heart." "Now, come on, dry your eyes and go and have a lie-down." " Are you upset, Ivy?" " No." "I don't care about myself." "I just don't want James to get the sack." "I think he's wonderful." "Are you upset, Henry?" " Nah." " Miss Poppy was really rotten to you." "I don't care." "I'm used to it." "People have been rotten to me all my life." "Well, I don't think you look a mess, Henry." "Thanks, Ivy." "I tell you, if I was going to plant anything under my nails, it wouldn't be potatoes." "It would be arsenic to shove in her Horlicks!" "Come in." "Well, what have you got to say for yourself?" " I'm sorry if I upset you, Miss Poppy." " I should think you are!" "How dare you argue with me in front of the servants?" " You've humiliated me." " I never intended to, miss." " You know I wouldn't do that." " But the fact remains, you did." "I felt it my duty to support Mrs Lipton." "And what about me?" "Don't you think I need support?" "Yes, Miss Poppy." "Well, you're in a powerful position." "And you think I'm abusing that power, do you?" " Quite frankly, yes." " How dare you speak to me like that?" "Saving Uncle Teddy's life doesn't mean you can speak to us as you please!" "I've only got to say one word to Daddy and you'll be out like that." " Yes, miss." " I've put up with a lot from you." "I didn't say a word when you lured me to the kitchen in the middle of the night and tried to make love to me." "That's just not true, Miss Poppy!" "So I'm telling fibs, am I?" "I suppose you didn't grab me and kiss me." "It was just for a second." "I got carried away." "I can't tell you how disappointed I am, James." "I thought I could rely on you." "I've got no one." "No one understands me." "My sister hates me, Daddy bullies me, but you've always been there like a rock, something I could hold on to." "You know I'd do anything for you, Miss Poppy." "Would you?" "Would you really?" "Oh, Miss Poppy." "Oh, my God, what have I done?" "I'd better get Mrs Lipton." "It's time her steak and kidney pie went in the oven." "Give her a few more minutes, Ivy." "She's had a shock." "And talking of shocks, did Miss Poppy give you the sack?" "No." "Take your trousers down and give you the cane, did she?" " Dad!" "You mustn't say things like that!" " Her sort like that kind of thing." " It gives them a thrill." " Is that brandy?" " Yes." " Could I have a drop?" "I can't believe my ears." "James Twelvetrees, the upright footman, the pillar of respectability, drinking his lordship's brandy?" "What went on upstairs between you and Miss Poppy?" " Mind your own business." " Oh, like that was it?" "Have another drop." "Good stuff, innit?" "Napoleon drank this at the Battle of Waterloo." "Talking of famous battles, I think Mrs Lipton could do with a drop." "You look terrible, Mr Twelvetrees." "What happened up there?" " I'd rather not talk about it, Ivy." " I was worried she'd give you the sack." "I almost wish she had." "I can't go on like this much longer." "She enjoys leading me on and I find it impossible to resist her." "You're caught in a hopeless web, aren't you?" "I suppose you could say something like that, Ivy." "I don't know which way to turn." "I know just what you're going through." "I was reading this story in Peg's Paper." "It was about a Russian princess and her groom, who was a simple peasant like you." "Well, not that you're simple, of course." "One day, they were out riding in the woods and she fell off her thoroughbred stallion." "He thought she was dead, so he kneeled down to pick her up." "Then, she slowly opened her eyes and looked at him and he was overcome with mad desire." "He took her in his arms and kissed her on the steppes." "That's the Russian steppes, not the palace steps." "Well, she was so angry, she sent him to the salt mines in Siberia for his impertinent conduct, but every time she put salt on her caviar, she remembered him." "Then she realised she loved him, so she searched and searched and searched until she found him, and when she did, he was all old and wrinkled and... covered in salt." "That's a bit like you, isn't it?" "Not quite, Ivy." " There's nothing for it." "I'll have to leave." " But you haven't done anything!" "Haven't done anything?" "I took Miss Poppy in my arms and kissed her." "Properly." "Properly?" "Did you mean to?" "Yes." "Oh." "I never felt anything like that in my whole life before, so, you see, I've got to leave." "What if his lordship won't give you a reference?" "I'll just have to go back in the army." "Oh, no, please don't do that!" "Stay a bit longer, just for my sake." "I couldn't stop here without you." "You're the only one I can trust." "Thank you, Ivy." "You're the only one I can trust, but you must realise that our relationship could never go any further than that." "Yes, of course." "I quite understand." "Oh, where's Mrs Lipton?" "That pie should be in the oven by now." "Would you believe, lobster quenelles?" "Hmph!" "It's no better than I'd have done." "Think of all the money." "You could have done it for half the price." " Yeah." " (Bell ringing)" "Oh, that's Lady Lavender." "I'll go." "Don't forget what Lord Meldrum said." "Stop her coming down, even if it means locking her in her room." "Aw...poor thing!" "Why can't she come down and enjoy the party?" "Cos she gets drunk." "How dare you, Mabel!" "Bring the rest of the stuff in." "Where do you want this bird thing?" "For your information, Henry, that is the Royal Dalmatian Swan." "Put it in the larder and be very careful with it." "Cor!" "Ain't that beautiful?" "All sugar." "I bet you can't remember the last time you had a bit of swan, eh, Mabel?" "Mabel, I told you to get the rest of the food in." "I'll save you the parson's nose." "It's a criminal waste." "The money that lot cost would feed 50 poor families for a week." "It's his lordship's privilege to spend his money as he chooses." "Sucking up to some broken-down king and queen?" "The whole thing's a waste of time and money, not to mention that palaver yesterday." " Ooh, I missed that." "What happened?" " Miss Poppy taught Ivy how to curtsy." "And Mr Teddy spent an hour teaching us the national anthem, accompanied on the pianoforte by the bishop's chaplain, Robin, with his foot on the loud pedal permanently!" "Long live Dalmatia?" "You can't even find it on the map any more!" "(Parrot) Come in." "(Lady Lavender) Oh, shut up!" "Come in." "(Parrot) Oh, shut up." "Come in." "Ah, Ethel, is it true that King Boris is coming tonight?" " Yes, my lady." " Ah..." "I knew him well." "As a matter of fact, between you and me," "I was very nearly the queen." "Were you?" "What happened?" "His mother came into the room and switched on the light." " Sent him straight back to Heidelberg." " Oh, what a shame!" "He wrote to me several times but I couldn't read German." "Oh, I'm so looking forward to meeting him again after all these years." "You mustn't come down!" "You've got to stay in your room." "But I insist!" "Besides, I must say hello to Noël Coward." "I've known him since he was a boy." "It's too dangerous." "Agents might be in the house." "Estate agents?" "Is that scoundrel Meldrum selling the house to get rid of me?" "No, no, Bolshevik agents." "They might try and assassinate the King." "Then we must protect him." "Have you got a gun?" " No." " I have." "Please, put that down!" "It's dangerous!" "Not if you know how to use it." "Oh!" "Oh, no!" "Mmm..." "Delicious." "You're sure Ralph won't come round tonight?" "No, George." "I keep telling you, he's gone to the theatre." "What on earth for?" "He puts money in plays from time to time." "In any case, he doesn't mind my seeing you, not since Stokes told him that you were shot in the artillery." "I'm not too happy about that." "What's it matter?" "At least it means we can see one another." " Oh, Agatha..." " Oh, George..." "Excuse me, my lord." "The lord bishop and his chaplain." " Good evening, George." " Hello, Robin." "Hello, Lady Agatha." "How charming you look!" "Is Sir Ralph here?" " No." " Oh." "Excuse me, sir." "All the staff are assembled." "Oh, good." "We'll go through the anthem." "Come along, Robin." "Agatha, I expect Charles would like a sherry." "Ah, no." "Well, maybe just a small one." "I'll bring it in with me." "Come along, girls." "We've got to go through the anthem." "Cissy, why can't you wear a frock?" " Why should I?" " You are meeting a king." "An ex-king who lives in Pimlico." " Why have you been ignoring me?" " I think it's better that way, Miss Poppy." "Don't look so down in the mouth." "What happened in the study will remain a secret." "I'm glad to hear it, miss, and I have decided that if I am to remain in this house, our relationship will be purely formal." "You've said that before but you'll never be able to resist me." " That remains to be seen, miss." " It certainly does." "Good." "Now, I don't make a lot of fuss but we must get this right for the king." " I'll stand over there by Robin." " All right." "Ivy?" "Where's Ivy?" "Ivy, have you practised your curtsy?" " Yes, my lord." " Well, show me." "Very good, but no tongue." "James bows beautifully." "Show us, James." " Very good." " Teddy, hand the words out." "Cissy, what are you going to do?" "You can't curtsy in trousers." "I shall make whatever gesture seems appropriate at the time." "Why are you always so awkward?" "Why can't you be feminine like Poppy?" "You've no idea how feminine she gets when Gerry brings her back from the club." "What about you and Penelope in the hangar with your Tiger Moth?" " Cat." " Cow!" "That's enough!" "Stand over there!" " Over to you, Teddy." " Right." "You've all got your words." "Let's see how much you remember from yesterday." "Are you ready at the piano?" "We're ready." "I turn over for him." "Not too much loud pedal, please." "He gets carried away, you know." "One, two, three, four..." "* Long live Dalmatia" "* Land of the free and the sheep" "* Long live Dalmatia" "* Land of the cows in the gra-a-ass" "* And the apples dangling on the trees" "* Long may the banner fly" "* Up the pole * Up the pole" "* Long live Dalmatia forever and a da-a-ay *" "Yes." "Well done." "Now, don't forget, louder and longer on the grass, like this." "* Gra-a-ass *" "And cut off quickly on the ass." "Excuse me, sir." "It doesn't seem to rhyme very well." "It rhymes when it's sung in Dalmatian." "It's the translation." "Oh, I see." "Oh, that explains it." "It's the translation from the Dalmatian." "What do you think of the expensive food, Constable Wilson?" "Quite nice, but in my opinion, you could do as well, if not better." "I suppose I can't try one, can I?" "Oh, help yourself." "Nothing to do with me." "Oh, thank you, Mrs Lipton." "I've taken off my clean apron and I'm putting on my hat and coat and I am going up to spend the evening with my friend Mrs Connaught at No.15." "She cooks for a household who appreciate her." "Oh, how the mighty have fallen." "I must say, you look a treat in your dress uniform, Constable Wilson." "Well, I've got the figure for it, haven't I?" "The guests will arrive any minute." "It's time you were on duty, Constable." "Righto." "What time is Noël arriving?" "Mr Coward to you." "Pull that lot up, Henry." "James, put this on the table." "I'll stand by the door." " What about the duck?" " Swan, Henry!" "No matter what it's called, it needs to go into the middle of the table." "Ivy, get it out of the pantry!" "Come on, James." "What's the matter with you?" "You've been po-faced all day and acting like you've got a broomstick stuck up your backside." "Mind your own business!" "(Ivy) Oh, no!" "Oh, no!" "What happened?" "I was just steadying it and it came away in my hand." "Gawd!" "What are you going to do?" "There's only one thing I can do, go upstairs, pack me bag and go back to Mother." "Bring it here." "We might be able to mend it." "I once had an umbrella like that." " Can't we stick it?" " What with?" " Seccotine." " It takes hours to dry." " You'd have to stand holding it." " Besides, it would leave a yellow stain." "I know." "If we melt the end in hot water, I could hold it together until it sets." "That'll do it." "Perhaps." "Mabel, put the kettle on." "Miss Penelope Barrington-Blake." " Hello, Poppy." "Hello, George." "Teddy." " Hello." " Cissy, darling!" " Penelope." "I wish they wouldn't keep doing that." "George..." "lend me L750?" " What on earth for?" " The Order of the Swan." " I thought he said L1 ,000." " Count Zarkof rang me back." "He says he'll do it for L750 and he'll throw in the sash and the star." "He's got a second-hand one." "There's a chip on the swan where the bullet went through." " What on earth happened?" " I don't know." "They're always shooting people in the Balkans." "Excuse me, Miss Penelope, would you like a sardine on toast?" "They're from Fortnum  Mason's." "Sardines on toast?" "How amusing!" "Mm, darling!" "Mmm." "KV." "Here comes Kendall's Kut-price Kemist." "Sir Fred and Lady Kendall." "How do you do, George?" "This is my wife, Florence." "We call her Flo." "Say hello to Lord Meldrum, Flo." " Good evening, m'lord." " George, please." " That's right." "We're all friends 'ere." " My brother, Teddy." " Oh, how do?" " Hello." "Shake hands with Teddy, Flo." " How do you do?" " Goodo, Flo." "Since she knew she was going to meet Noël Coward, she's been all of a doo-dah." " Started getting ready at three o'clock." " Give over, Fred." " Is this lovely girl your daughter, then?" " Yes, this is Poppy." "And who's this chap, then?" "That's my little sister, Cissy." " Oh, really?" "Evening." " Hello." "Good evening, sir." " I'm looking forward to doing business." " Good." "Each of my branches is going to have a prominent display of your surgical rubber goods." " Shh..." " Don't be ashamed of it." " It paid for this." "You know how I started?" " No." " Enamel bedpans." " Oh, not again, Fred." "He brings that up wherever we go." "I always say you can't be po-faced when you're in bedpans." " You must tell Noël that one, Daddy." " Hello, Bishop." "How are you going on, then?" "Still on the scrounge?" " Is the swan all right?" " Yes." "It's holding up." "Excuse me, sir." "It's time for the king and queen to arrive." "Oh, right." "Ladies and gentlemen, their majesties will be here shortly." "Will you please get ready to receive them?" "I suggest a line along here." "That's right." "Hello." "What time, please, do you think Noël is going to arrive?" "Oh, much later." "It's the opening night of his new play, Sirocco." "Ivy, go upstairs and lock Lady Lavender's door." " She's not going to like it." " Do as you're told." " Any sign of them yet?" " No." " I expect they'll come in a Rolls." " Either that or a Daimler." " It'll probably have a flag on it." " Or a swan." "Who's this, then?" "I thought all the guests were here." " It's them!" " Blimey!" "They've come in a taxi!" "Tell his lordship they're here." "They're here." "They've come in a taxi!" "Excuse me, m'lord." "They've arrived." "They've come in a taxi." "A taxi?" "!" "Good Lord!" "Ladies and gentlemen, their majesties have arrived." "(Flo) Ooh!" "You're walking into a nest of Bolsheviks!" "There's a plot to assassinate you!" "Thank you very much, m'lady." "I'll take care of it." " What's the hold-up?" " He's probably adjusting his crown." "They haven't got any money for the taxi." " How much is it?" " Three and nine." "I'll tell Mr Stokes." " They haven't got money for the taxi." " I haven't got any." "How much is it?" " Three and nine." " I'll tell his lordship." "Excuse me, m'lord." "Their majesties haven't any money to pay for the taxi." " Oh!" "How much is it?" " Three and nine." "Lend me a couple of bob." "Come away from the window, Lady Lavender." "The Bolsheviks might shoot at you." "Don't worry." "I've got my gun." "I can defend myself." "Oh, no, I haven't." "I've eaten it." "Never mind." "I'll use the chocolate one." "Now, Robin, no loud pedal, please." "You know what you're like." "Take your foot off it now." "Then you won't be tempted." "My lords, ladies and gentlemen, please be upstanding to greet your guests of honour, their majesties, King Boris, Queen Isabella and their aide, Count Maximilian Zarkof." " Teddy!" " Right." "Get that foot off!" "Right, one, two, three, four." "* Long live Dalmatia" "* Land of the free and the sheep" "* Long live Dalmatia" "* Land of the cows in the gra-a-ass" "* And the apples dangling on the trees" "* Long may the banner fly-y" "* Up the pole * Up the pole" "* Long live Dalmatia" "* Forever and a da-a-ay *" " Three cheers for their majesties!" " Hip-hip!" " Hooray!" " Hip-hip!" " Hooray!" " Hip-hip!" " Hooray!" "Your Majesty, may I present Sir Fred and Lady Kendall." " How do?" " Asprot nyev." "This is my wife, Flo." " Asprot nyev." " Oh, thank you, very much." "It'll be ages before they get to us, Robin." "I don't care about them." "I just want to meet Noël Coward." "Mrs Lipton got the hump, has she?" "Yeah." "Funny-tempered woman." "These cooks are all the same." "Well, if cooking was that difficult, they wouldn't let women do it." "Constable Wilson, how would you like a glass of stout poured over your head?" "Your majesties, my lords, ladies and gentlemen, the buffet awaits you in the drawing room." " Skansk in abenye." " Ah, grostnovocloch!" " Starvenska." " Oh, starvenska." "His majesty says he's starving." "Si syonska." "Ruff!" "Ruff!" "He could eat a dog." "I don't think Fortnum's do those." "Shall we go in?" " (Whispers) Anthem." " (Teddy) Right." "Get it off!" "(Bishop) Robin, get that foot off!" "Ah, morska genekov!" "Fantastica novonich!" "Oh, novonich!" "His majesty says, "What a magnificent fe-ast."" " Thank you." " Mea stropov semica." "Sasa Dalmatia." " Schwanska." "Honour." " Honour." " Schoene." " Schoene." "His majesty very much appreciates the tribute you have paid to our beloved country by putting the schwan in the place of honour." "Oh, thank you." "It is made of sugar." "Sucarov." " Sucarov." " Oh!" "Sucarov!" "Ah, sucarov." "Topple off." "* For once again" "* Then I implore thee" "* I implore thee" "* I-I-I implore thee" "* I, once again" "* Say I implore thee" "* Samson, Samson" "* I" "* ..adore thee *" "(Applause)" "Naffarov." "Your majesties, may I present a demonstration of prestidigitation?" "I've waited all night for this." "Oh, that was funny!" "This is hell, Agatha, not being able to touch you, having to pretend all the time." "Be patient, George." "We'll get together soon." "Ah, there you are, my girl!" "I thought I'd find you here." "Ah, Ralph, hello." "Would you like a bit of swan?" "No." "Agatha, get your hat and coat." "We're going home." " Why?" "What's wrong?" " Everything." "The play was a disaster." "That chap Coward is a charlatan." "(Doorbell)" " Quick, bolt the door!" " Good evening, Mr Coward." "Bolt the door!" "I am being pursued by six rampant gallery first-nighters." "They spat at me as I came out of the stage door." " Oh, didn't they like the play, then?" " They received it with a deep loathing." " Poor Ivor." "He'll never recover." " Shall I announce you, Mr Coward?" " God, no." "Where's Lady Lavender?" " In her room, sir." "I shall take refuge up there." "Hello, Noël." "I hear the show went..." " Went." " You villain!" "It was rubbish!" "Rubbish!" " Who is this fellow?" " I put L500 into that show!" " How dare you insult my guest!" " He's not a guest." "He's an actor." "Oh, there you are, Noël, lad." "Are you going to give us a turn?" "We've got that young vicar on the joanna." "No." "Wild horses would not drag a single note out of me." "Meldrum, be good enough to send two bottles of champagne to Lady Lavender's room." " I'd better come and let you in." " So kind." " Please to tell him." " Mr Coward..." "His Majesty, King Boris wishes to present you with the Order of the Swan." "Thank you, but I've already received one bird tonight." "Everyone will be very disappointed." "They've been waiting all night." "Before you go, couldn't you just say something witty?" "Oh, very well." "How's your belly off for spots?" "We all have our off days, Ivy." "Ripped by malgabo Sync by sutyiboy" "* From Mayfair to Park Lane" "* You will hear the same refrain" "* In every house again, again" "You rang, m'lord?" "* Stepping out on the town" "* The social whirl goes round and round" "* The rich are up, the poor are down" "You rang, m'lord?" "* The bunny hug at the Shim-Sham Club" "* The Charleston at The Ritz" "* And at the Troc, do the turkey trot" "* They give Aunt Maud a thousand fits" "* Talking flicks are here today" "* And Lindbergh's from the USA" "* Poor Valentino's passed away..." "How sad, m'lord."