"MALL SANTA:" "Oh, ha, ha." "Well, I'll definitely be getting you that bicycle." "And I'll see what I can do about your parents' ugly divorce, Caren." "All right." "Merry Christmas!" " Who's next?" " Santa!" "Kumar, nu!" "Merry" "WOMAN:" "Back of the line, tech support!" " Is this a joke?" "KUMAR:" "Hold the fuck on" "Your sun can rub his ass an Santa's cock in a minute." "[ALL GASP]" " What do you want for Christmas?" "KUMAR:" "That's a really good question." " Snoopy Sno-cane Machine." " Dane." " And a DeLorean." " Yes." "Wu-Tang to get back together." "I'll tell the elves." "This is just for my stockings." " For my present" " Hey!" "Meet me at my sleigh in half an hour, okay?" "You gut it." "Merry Christmas, Santa." " Ooh." "Bong" " Oh!" "Right in the sugar plums." "Okay." "On the menu today, we have:" "Winter Wander Weed." "We have Rudolph the Red-Eyed Reindeer." "Oh, it's a Weederful Life." "Gad, does everything have to be about Christmas?" "Hey, some people like the holidays." "I had Hanukkah Hash, but the kids from Temple Shalom Immanuel cleaned me cut." "KUMAR:" "What is this? "Kwanzaa Cookout."" "A little more expensive." "This is like Duvalier Dank from October." " I'll take it." " Oh." "Hello, gentlemen." "KUMAR:" "Mm." " Shit." " What?" "You have anything to smoke out cf?" "[COUGH5]" "PROTESTERS [CHANTING]:" "Wall Street sucks!" "Wall Street sucks!" "Wall Street sucks!" "Wall Street sucks!" "KENNETH:" "Ah, Mr. Lee?" "I'm here." "Wait mare protesters?" "Do they really think we care what poor people think?" "Kenneth, it's Christmas." "They're out of work." "You'd be upset tan." "Let's see haw you did an your assignment." "I think I found the absolute best gift for your father-in-law." "And, Mr. Lee, I think you're gonna be really pleased." "Ow." "Oh, my Gad." "Hi." "This is a Sharp 52" Aquas Quattran TV with state-of-the-art 3D technology that makes Avatar lack Avatar-ded." "I don't know." "Hasn't the 3D thing jumped the shark by haw?" "Mr. Lee, you don't understand." "This is the best 3D you've ever seen." "It's gonna be amazing!" "Who are you lacking at?" "Mr. Lee!" "Want me to call you a cab a town car, a limo?" "It's not safe out there." " No, thanks, Kenneth" "I gut a buddy picking me up." "One more thing!" "Merry Christmas to you Harald, and Happy New Year!" "Hey, aver there." "We gut another one." "Don't worry, Mr. Lee." "I'll distract them." "Hey angry protesters!" "I just gut a huge Christmas bonus... so you can suck my rich, yellow ...dick!" "[YELLS]" "Get him!" "[PROTESTERS CLAMORING]" "[GRUNTING]" "[SCREAMING]" "[WHIMPERING]" "HAROLD:" "Dude!" "Open the dour!" "Unh." "Thank Gad you're here." "I thought those hippies were gonna kill you." "Shun!" "Shun!" "Shun, shun, shun!" "Just drive." "Todd, drive." "Na, nu, nu!" "Na, nu, nu!" "Oh, great." "New we're getting tinkled an." " It's just urine." "It'll wash cut." " Oh, Harry." "Tinkle on the windshield is the grossest thing that has ever happened to me." "Ugh." "[RETCHES]" "It smells like shit in here." "Hey neighbor" " Hey, man." "All right." "Check it." "Remember that hat virgin I met an the internet?" "Get this:" "She wants me... to deflower her" "Tonight." "Christmas Eve." "At a party she's throwing in Manhattan." "Best part:" " You're coming with me." " Na can do, man." "I gotta stay here and smoke this weed, otherwise I won't get high." "Why not ask your roommate?" "Because you're the best." "I don't wanna go with him." "I already asked him." "He said nu." "He's spending Christmas with his stupid girlfriend." "Mm." "This is what happens." "They get a girlfriend then they get married then you never hear from them again." "Fuck it, I'm in." "Yes." "TODD:" "Wow, the Jewish neighbors must hate this." "Well, Harry." "Harry." "You have outdone yourself." "HAROLD:" "If you knew Maria's dad... you'd pullout all the stops too" "Has not accepted you as part of the family?" "Na, not yet." "But he's a huge fan of Christmas." "I'm hoping when he sees all the work, he appreciates it." "Oh, so smart." " Merry Christmas." " Merry Christmas." "Oh." "Jinx." "You always do that." "You keep doing it." "It's crazy." "Okay, I'll Skype you later or text you." "Or bath." "Maria!" "Oh, hi there." "Somebody's looking ...uh, very merry today." "Somebody is also... ..ovulating" "Um..." "Your dad is gonna be here any minute, though." "Honestly, that's" " Baby." "Then let's get to it." " Oh!" "Because when they get here we are going to have no private time." "I don't know if we should." "Now, came an and fuck a baby into me." "Okay, I will." "[HAROLD GRUNTS THEN CHUCKLES]" "Two-hander." "Okay." "Ha-ha-ha." "If it's a baby I gotta give you, it's a baby you're gonna get." "[DOORBELL RINGS]" "BOTH:" "Shit." "Ga." "Ga." "[KNOCK ON DOOR]" "Be coal." "Carlos, Merry Christmas." "Hello, Harald." "You made the drive in record time." "Didn't speed, did you?" "[GULPS]" "Empanadas?" "Where's Maria?" "HAROLD:" "She's upstairs getting read!" "" "Can I get you a beer?" "What the hell is that?" "HAROLD:" "She caught your eye, huh?" "Ha, ha." "This is our Christmas tree." "Is it fake?" "It's faux, actually." "You celebrating real Christmas... or a faux Christmas?" "Real Christmas?" "MARIA:" "Daddy." "Daddy!" "Gad." "MARIA:" "I've missed you!" "[MARIA GASPS]" "And the whale family is here." "[MARIA SPEAKS IN SPANISH]" "Hi... everybody!" "[ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]" "Oh, Gad." "Oh." "I guess Time made parole." "Uh, not exactly." "Hey!" "Let's take a picture." "Everybody!" "[CHUCKLES]" "You take it." "You people are real good with those things." "HAROLD:" "It's just the weekend." "It's just the weekend." "NARRATOR [ON TV]:" "Has this ever happened to you?" "This stupid waffle's stuck." "[GRUNTING]" "MOM:" "Oh, my God!" "Billy!" " Heh-heh-heh." "MOM:" "George, call 911!" "This is fucked up." "NARRATOR:" "How about this?" "[GIRL SCREAMS]" "Well, it doesn't have to any more." "Introducing WaffleBot." "BOTH:" "WaffleBot!" "NARRATOR:" "Just pop the top, let that batter drop and WaffleBot does the rest." "Make every breakfast a Bot-fast." "BOTH:" "Thanks, WaffleBot!" "WAFFLEBOT:" "I love you." "NARRATOR:" "Get the Christmas toy of the season while they're hot." "[KNOCK ON DOOR]" "KUMAR:" "I'm busy, Adrian!" "Ga away!" "VANESSA:" "Kumar!" "It's Vanessa." "Hey." "Lacks like somebody missed me." "Came an in." "Since when do you have a beard?" "I actually have not shaved since you left." "Pretty romantic." "Kind of like Ryan Gosling in The Notebook." "VANESSA:" "When's the last time you cleaned?" "Like three months ago." "Less romantic?" "Little bit, yeah." "I'm sorry, where are my manners?" "Here." "Here." "Oh, nu, nu, nu." "Na, I shouldn't." "Of course you should." "Kumar, I really need to talk to you." "I'm pregnant." "[COUGH5]" "You're pregnant?" "We.." "We practiced safe sex." "[SCOFFS]" "I mean, I pulled out and came an your back." "A couple squeaks gut by but is that all it takes?" " Yes." "That's all." "Na wander you flunked out of med school." "I didn't flunk out of med school." "I failed a drug test." "Haw do I even know that the baby's mine?" "I haven't slept with anyone since we brake up." "Nice." "What do you want to do about it?" "All right, um..." "[CHUCKLING]" "This is the part where the kid's tongue gets stuck to a pale." "Ha, ha." "Oh." "Ha, ha." "I'm sorry." "Um, are we having a conversation right now, or are you watching A Christmas Story?" "Bath." "Na." " I mean" " You know what'?" "I knew you" "...couldn't handle this" " I'm sorry." "I'm really high." "This is not about you being high." "This is about you being immature." "It's why I couldn't stay here any more." "You are perfectly fine creating a mess but when it comes to cleaning one up... you're MIA" "Give me a half hour... to sober up" "Fuck." "[CHATTERING]" "Dad, you good?" "You need a drink or--?" "Na?" "Okay." "[MR. PEREZ GROWLS]" " Maria." "I lave you." " Ha, ha." "Glad your family's here." "I'm just wandering haw we're gonna deal with the Christmas party with all these extra guests." "We'll make it work." "We have plenty of roam." "Okay." "I'm sorry." "I left my wallet upstairs." "Thank you." "[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]" "Harald." "Hey, speaking of guests are you sure you don't wanna invite Kumar?" "Kumar?" "You kidding me?" "I haven't seen that guy in years." "MARIA:" "Kumar has been your friend for a long time" " It is perfectly normal." "People lose half their friends every seven years." "It's not like I don't have friends." " Todd?" "Yeah, he's a lat of fun." " At least he doesn't create a disaster everywhere he goes." "[m SPANISH]" "Ah, okay." "[m SPANISH]" "[ALL GASP]" "Rosetta Stone." "A lifesaver." "[KNOCK ON DOOR]" "KUMAR:" "Be right there!" "Harald?" "He hasn't lived here in so lung." "[GRUNTS]" "Maybe we can" "Are you sure we have to" "...throw it out'?" " This tree is a cancer" "We have to get rid of it before it kills Christmas." "Very intense warding." "[WHISTLES THEN SPEAKS IN SPANISH]" "MARIA:" "Wow!" "Oh, my Gad." "I can't believe you brought the tree." "Ha-ha-ha." "Am I missing something?" "Every Christmas we use a tree that Dad grew." " Oh." "MR. PEREZ:" "Twelve-fact Fraser fir." "Lack at the branch distribution." "Oh, I see." "Hey. he!" "She's very delicate." "I've been growing her for eight years." "Eight years, wow." "I never knew Christmas trees were such a big deal." "Oh, Gad." "Nata big deal?" "Let me tell you a story, Harald." "Growing up in Medellin my family was too poor to celebrate Christmas properly." "Every year I would pray to God:" ""Please, let me wake up and find a big, beautiful Christmas tree. "" "And every Christmas I was heartbroken." "When my mother finally moved me to America she promised me we would have a Christmas tree every Christmas from then on." "But one week before that first Christmas, while walking home from work she was violently attacked by a gang of Korean punks." "[GRUNTS]" "They stabbed her multiple times." "She bled to death." "So I guess you could say, yes, a Christmas tree is a big deal" "Oh, my Gad." "[WHISPERS] Why didn't you tell me?" "[MOUTHS] I'm sorry." "Pepe!" "Where are the ornaments?" "I don't know." "My eyes are all fucked up." "You can't celebrate Christmas with a naked tree!" "It's indecent!" "Maria, forget about midnight Mass." "Tonight, we're decorating the tree." "Oh, Daddy, I wanted to spend tonight in the city with you 9"guys." "Wait." "I gut this." "I'll take care of the tree." "You have a family night in Manhattan." "Na." "Na, nu, nu." "We brought the tree all the way dawn." "It has to lack perfect an Christmas morning." "Carlos, it will." "Tell me exactly what you want and I'll take care of it." "When you came back, the tree will be decorated." "This house, I promise you, is gonna be perfect." "[MARIA CHUCKLES]" "ADRIAN:" "Oh, B-T-dub, the girl tonight?" "Her name is Mary." "As in the Virgin Mary." "Haw great is that?" "What did Vanessa do to suck the life out of you this afternoon?" "I don't have anyone else to confide in." "I might as well tell you." "Uh..." "Vanessa's pregnan" "A queefer." " What?" " I knew it." "I used to date this black chick, she used to queef every time we had sex." "It was ridiculous." "I used to call her Queen Laqueefa." "When was the last time you saw this guy?" " Two years ago." " Sc why are we dropping off this package?" "You said this guy was a chade." "He is, all right?" "I just-- I don't want his shit in my place." "KUMAR:" "Sure this is the right address?" "Whoa." "Lacks like your ex-bayf's moving up in the world." "Heh." "I guess." "I'll be right back." "I'm just gonna drop this off." "[GRUNTS THEN GROANING]" "Fuck!" "Kumar?" "Hello, Harald." ".Hey- .Hey" " Hey." " I was" " Haw are you?" "Goad to see you." " Oh, hey." " Haw you doing?" " Goad to see you tan." "Goad." "You got a package that came for you at the apartment." "So I was dropping it off." "Oh." "Okay, coal." "You lack terrific." "You lose weight?" "Na." "Gained." "Quite a bit, actually." "This is a really nice house." "Na." "You know." "Do you want to come in for a drink or something?" "Um... [on RADIO] Christmas, Christmas" "Do you not have time?" " Oh." " Oh." " Came in, came in." "Came in." "Came an." " Sure." "Watch your step, it's icy there." "Eggﬂng?" "Empanadas?" "Uh..." "Sure." "Yeah." "Hey, this place is, like, not shitty." "Oh." "Thank you." "Yeah." "Bay window is brand-new, actually." "We just put that in last week." "The sconces are new." "Sconces are actually brand-new" "Yeah, I was gonna say, it looks like you guys got some awesome sconces" "Thank you." "That's very sweet of you." "Sn, what's up with this package?" "HAROLD:" "My name and your address." "That's weird." "I haven't lived there for so lung." "I know." "That's strange." "HAROLD:" "Whoa." "Ooh" "HAROLD:" "What the hell is this?" "That's a gigantic joint." "What do you think?" "HAROLD:" "Is this a joke?" " Na." "I swear." " Did you do this?" "Had I known, I would have smoked it ls there a--?" "Na return address." "I don't even see any stamps an this." "What are you doing?" "Getting not law." "Na smoking in this house." "What?" "What douche came up with that rule?" "HAROLD:" "This douche did." "That was good shit." "HAROLD:" "I don't care, okay?" "I don't smoke any more." " What?" " I just felt that a lat of times when I gut high... things would go really wrong." "So" "But, Harald, weed is so good." "It gets you high." "I gut nothing against weed, okay?" "Had plenty of fun times with weed." "But I'm an adult now." "And frankly, I'm kind of glad that the craziness is behind me." "Do you smell something burning?" "Son-1;" "Oh, shit!" "KUMAR:" "Oh, shit." " Shit." "Shit!" "It's spreading." "It's spreading!" "Here." "Bah, bah, bah!" "Nat the throw pillows!" "Seriously?" "I did it anyway!" "HAROLD:" "What the fuck?" "!" "Shit!" "HAROLD:" "Maria's dad will kill me!" "Stop yelling!" "We gotta get rid of this tree!" "Okay." "That's why you gotta buy those faux trees." "They last forever." "[PANTING]" "Calm dawn." "It's just a Christmas tree." ""Just a Christmas tree"?" "Maria's dad grew that tree and new it is dead." "Koreans have killed his mother, and new this tree." "Christmas is ruined." "Christmas isn't ruined." "Yes, it is." "You have ruined Christmas." "They're gonna came home from Mass and expect to see a decorated tree, but they are gonna see that." "Dude, you're overreacting There's plenty of tree lots" "We'll drive around till we find the right tree." "We're not gonna do anything." "You know what?" "Um, this is my fault." "I take full responsibility." "Please leave." "I will take care of this." "Thank you." " I don't mind helping out" " I got it." " We have a van" " I gut it." "Okay." "You gut it." " You need anything, just give me" " Merry Christmas." "Merry Christmas, Harald." "What the fuck tank so lung?" "Nothing." "Let's just go." "You never told me Harald was Asian." "I always pictured an old white guy." "TODD:" "Freeze!" "This is a rubbery." "Give me all your friendship." "Oh, wow, lack at that." "You know, it's kind of better than a window." "It's like a stained-glass window of paper." "Any luck with the tree?" " Oh, you brought Ava." " Uh, yeah, sorry." "I have Ava." "It's "SD."" "Hmm?" "Daddy-Daughter Day." "You can't back out of Daddy-Daughter Day because Emma says that leads to abandonment issues and then stripping and meth and biker boyfriend." " All bad things." " Ah." " The tree, though." " Yes, so I called" "[BABY CRYING]" "Oh, here it goes." "Here it goes." "[SINGING] The itsy bitsy spider" "Crawled up the water spout" "They say that singing is the best way to communicate with a child." "I guess I haven't found the right sang for her yet." "That's tan bad." "Uh, the tree?" "The tree." "Right." "Sc I called them." "They had one 12-fact fir left." " And I reserved it." " You gut it?" " Yeah." " Yes!" "You should have led off with that." "I know." "I don't know why I didn't." " Okay, good." "Let's go." " Whoa!" "You know." "Okay." "Next time." "Now, before this party we gut to talk about your game." " Aw, dude, turn in there!" "Really?" "A tree farm?" ""Best selection" my ass." "It's Christmas Eve, okay?" "What do you expect?" "KUMAR:" "If I was a tree farmer I'd be embarrassed." "These trees are ghetto." "What the fuck that mean?" "[LATRELL CHUCKLES]" "He's just playing." "Haw you doing?" "I'm Latrell." "Hello." "Kumar." "This is my partner in crime, Lamar." " Sn you two awn this tree lat?" "LAMAR:" "What?" "A couple of brothers can't sell trees?" "Only swing from them like monkeys?" "What?" "Na!" "Of course nut." "You could do bath." " What?" " What?" "My bay here gets cagey during the holidays." " You know?" " Ward." "Ward." "If you're looking for trees, you should know we do custom work." " Ooh." "How much is that?" "LATRELL:" "That tree'?" "Sorry" "Just gut reserved." "I really need it." "I'll pay double." "LAMAR:" "Oh, I gut you now." "You think you can buy the black man's soul." "Like we some Wayne Brady-ass niggers, right?" "Triple." "I'll get the rape." "Eh, can we drop this tree off at Sulu's and head to the city?" "KUMAR:" "Just hold an a second, all right?" "I see what you're doing." "Forget about her." " Think about me." " All right." "Hold on." "We'll drop the tree off and then we'll go get you your virgin." "Yeah." "We gut another customer." "Can I play angry black guy this time?" "Aw, came an." "You just played it." "And I gut triple the money." "Came an, please?" "Came an!" "TODD [SINGING]:" "Three French hens" "HAROLD:" "Would you stop?" "TODD:" "I wish I could stop" "Sorry, I'm trying my best" "Hi." "You guys in charge?" "Yeah." "What the fuck is it to you, motherfucker?" "Gal's coming out" "That was so good." "Ha, ha." "We're just here to pick up a tree that we reserved." " We called." "LATRELL:" "Oh, yeah?" "We just sold your little punk-ass tree, bitch!" "HAROLD:" "What?" "You sold it?" "Ta who?" "Those white bays aver there." "Fuck!" "Hey." "TODD:" "Aah!" "Where are we going?" "HAROLD:" "Maybe if we catch up to them, they'll sell the tree to us." "TODD:" "Goad idea!" "LATRELL:" "I'm sorry." " You last your gangsta grill." " I know." " Haw you gonna be a gangsta?" " I'm not one." " I gotta wear those tomorrow." " I know." " You know I lave you, right?" " I think you do." " I don't know why, but I lave you." " Thank you." "TODD:" "Oh-ha-ha." "Okay." "Slaw it dawn because we gut precious cargo and it is very icy out there." " What?" "I don't see any ice." " You've never heard of black ice?" "It's like the worst ice there is." "Black ice, it's everywhere." "Relax." "I can feel the road." "It's not that bad." "Ya, slaw dawn, man." " You're going a little fast." " I gotta get to this party ASAP." "Pussy's not like yogurt." "It has an expiration date." "Yogurt has an expiration date." "Does it?" "Damn it." "Okay." "That explains a lat." "It was really sour." "But yogurt is sour, so haw was I to know?" "Are you really hat?" "I'm, like, hat... but I'm cold" " Hello?" "You're not lacking at me." "I should lack at the road and you lack at me." " It's apposite." " Watch cut!" "ADRIAN:" "Ow, aw." "[BOTH SCREAMING]" "Holy shit!" "TODD:" "Black ice!" "Black ice!" "It's real!" "ADRIAN:" "Oh, shit!" "Oh. my Gad!" "Don't just scream!" "You're just screaming!" "That's not helpful!" "Oh, shit!" "Holy shit!" "Oh." "Harry, stop!" "ADRIAN:" "Aw..." "Glass is sharp." "Glass is sharp." "Oh, my ass." "I am so going to tweet about that." "Heh-heh-heh." "You guys all right?" "Haw are you alive?" "Harald?" "Kumar?" "That was you at the tree farm?" "You tank my tree?" " Sn you killed two trees in one night." "KUMAR:" "Hold an." "That is a perfectly salvageable tree." "[YELLS]" "That was a perfectly salvageable tree." "That was the only 12-fact Fraser fir left in the fucking state." "Fuck your tree!" "What about my car?" "I gut a virgin to fuck!" "Who is this?" "Who is Glasses?" "Heh." "Nice, Harry." " This is my friend, Adrian." "HAROLD:" "Oh." "He's young."9" " Thank you." " Don't respond to him." "TODD:" "Why the H did you F-wads take the tree that we had specifically called and reserved?" "Who is this toolbox?" "This is my friend, Todd." "Oh, yeah?" "What kind of friend?" "Best friend?" " I wouldn't say best" " Yes" " Yeah." "Yep." "Besties." "That's awesome." "Buddy." "Hamey." "This was fun." "But I gut a hat date in the city." "You have to take me." "What?" "Na." " We're not taking you anywhere." " Nat going through any tunnels." "Dude, you are not depriving me of this:" "Hey, Adrian." "I can't wait to finally meet you." "I'm going to rock your world." "I promise it will be worth the wait." "Wait, lack at this fir." "I'm pretty sure she's completely shaved." "Shut up." "The tree." "It's like Maria's dad's tree." " It's magnificent." "ADRIAN:" "I'll make you a deal." "Take me to the party, I get you that tree." "Na." "It's already very late." "Shut the fuck up, Todd!" "This doesn't concern you!" " Easy." " He can not" " He is not allow" "HAROLD:" "Hey." "Calm dawn." "Calm dawn." "I'm running out of time." "I gotta be back with a tree by 2 a.m." "Work with me." "Listen." "I'm not driving for nothing." "Make sure we can get the tree, you gut a deal." "Dane." "Hey, douche?" "Yeah?" "Shotgun." "Oh." "Sc r" "S you." "S you." ""S"?" ""S you"?" ""Screw you."" " Oh, right." "TODD:" "Screw you!" ""Harry"?" "Gotta be kidding me." "The tree is removable?" "OPERATOR:" "Your call cannot be completed as dialed." " Great." "Okay, great." "Bye." "We're good." " Please hang up" "We can have the tree?" "She said it?" "She said that, yes." " G Great." "Let's go." " Okay." "What is he doing?" "What is he doing?" "What are you doing?" "What?" "My daughter's in there!" "What?" " Oh, shit!" "HAROLD:" "What the fuck, Kumar?" "I didn't see her." "You gut my baby high!" "HAROLD:" "You gut his baby high." "Hold an a second." "Nobody gets high the first time they smoke weed." "Don't you know anything?" "[GIGGLING]" "TODD:" "Okay, great." "New she has the giggles." " Sorry." "TODD:" "If Emma finds cut we won't be able... to come to the party" "What party?" "Oh, it's just a work Christmas party kind of thing." "Right, Todd?" "Yeah." "It's gonna be classic." "[YELLING]" "Okay, great." "New she's having a bad trip." "HAROLD:" "Try singing again." "It never works." " Hey." "Hey." "HAROLD:" "What are you doing?" "Hey." "[RAPPING] If you want beef, then bring the ruckus" "Wu-Tang Clan ain't" "Nothin' to fuck with" "Straight from" "The motherfucking slums that's busted" "Wu-Tang Clan ain't nothin' to fuck with" "Ahh." "Dude, you baby-whispered her." "TODD:" "I do not care for the language but that was impressive." "What singing group is that?" " The Wu-Tang Clan." "The Gu-Ga" " The Wu-Gang Band?" "Wu-Tang Clan, Todd." "TODD:" "Harry." "When did you turn into Mr. Rap-Hap-Expert?" "KUMAR:" "There's a lat you don't know... about Harry, huh'?" "TODD:" "Excuse me?" " Was that directed to me?" "KUMAR:" "Yeah, douche." "Okay." "Taken." "I gut the munchies." "TODD:" "Now we have to ...stop and get some disgusting food for her" "Sc she can came dawn from her trip." "Fantastic." "Oh, by the way, if anybody asks, I'm Robert Pattinscn's acting coach." " What?" " What?" "It's just this lie I sort of gut caught in." "Also, I told her you work for the White House." "Yeah, like anyone's gonna believe that" "[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]" "[CHATTERING]" "[BIG boi'S "DADDY FAT SAX" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]" "If is I, the B-I-G, the B-O-I" "TODD:" "Well, I spy with my little eye three felonies that I can see in this roam right now." "Four." "That's it." "That's our tree." "It's perfect." " It's better than the photograph." " Ha, ha." "HAROLD:" "It's perfect." "Hey, Glasses." " Find the girl, get the tree." "Came an." " Yeah, yeah, yeah." "Ya, ya, ya!" "What it is, pimp, player et cetera?" " What's up?" "Where's Mary?" "TEEN:" "I don't know dude, but if I was you, I would steer clear." "Does she have a tail or something?" "What?" "Don't listen to these guys." "It takes balls to do what you're doing." "You're freaking me cut." " What is wrung with her?" "TEENS:" "Ha-ha-ha." "MARY:" "Oh, my Gad." "Adrian, is that you?" "Wow, you lack just like... your profile pic" "You lack better." "Hi." "You're hat, girl." "Thank you." "Sc do you, like, want to see my roam?" "Hey, hey." "What about the tree?" "I'll get it." "Just give me a minute, all right, man?" "Probably less." "Heh." "But hopefully mare." "Heh." "[WHISPERS] Probably less." "You awe me a tree, punk." "[BABY FARTS AND GIGGLES]" "Ugh." "Ugh." "Oh, great." "Great." "This is just great." " I've gut to find a place to change a diaper." " Oh, Gad." "Unless, of course, Mr. Wu-Gang Clams would like to help with some paapy?" "Wu-Tang, dude." "Wan-hon." "Your little friend better get me a tree." "I'm sorry about him, dude." "I" "BORIS:" "Hey, grandpa!" " Toss it back." "KUMAR:" "Who you calling grandpa, dude?" "I'm barely 30." "Wanna start?" "I'll kick your ass right now." "Karate Kid style." "KUMAR:" "Really?" "Which Karate Kid are you referring to'?" "There's only one Karate Kid and it stars Jackie Chan and my man Jaden Smith." "What?" "Generation Z, here's your ball." "Who invited these fucking lasers?" "Listen, we're friends of Mary, okay?" "She promised us we could have that tree." "Okay?" "Thank you." "What?" "Fuck that!" "I don't care what my sister said." "I'm not letting you take our tree." "Uh, actually, you are, you fuckstain." "HAROLD:" "Came an." "We're here to pick up the tree, then we're out of here." "It's a bit of an emergency." "Tell you what, we'll play you for it." "If you beat us... you get the tree" "If we beat you, we kick your asses out and take all your motherfucking cash." "Ha, ha." "I'm sorry, do you want us to play you in beer pong?" "Oh, I'm sorry, I guess you guys haven't heard of it before." "KUMAR:" "Oh, nu, nu." "We've heard of it, dude." "Yeah." "Except, see, in our day, it was called Beirut." "And we didn't have the rollback rule like you pussies have today." "I remember the day they announced the rule." "Same day I kicked a little bitch's ass at it." "You remind me a lat of that guy except you're shorter." "And he had pubes." "Oh, my Gad." "I'm so excited." "All my other friends last their virginity in 7th grade." "I can't believe it's happening." "What's the deal?" "Why isn't everybody at school trying to sleep with you?" "Are you kidding?" "No guy at school will even touch me." "Why won't they?" "Probably because they're scared." "Well, I don't get scared." "Scared of-- What are they scared of, though?" "Hey!" "Enough talk." "Gonna hit this?" "Yes." "I Will." "Hit it." "Aah." "It's not a disease, is it?" "Heh, heh." " What?" " Never mind." "Heh." "Forget it." "Heh." "Okay, Daddy's gonna get you changed." "Daddy is gonna get you" "Aah!" "Okay, I need this roam far a serious diaper situation." "Sc I will ask you to stop doing that." " Smush that pussy!" "Unh!" "Smush my pussy!" "GUY:" "I'm coming!" " Oh, my Gad." "GUY:" "Oh, I'm coming!" "Baby, blow me." "Ugh." "[HAROLD GRUNTS]" "A boom batta, these packets getting fatter." "You guyfi... got nothing on me" "Dude, I need this tree." "I know." " We hit this, we win." "BORIS:" "Na matter." "There's no way... you sinking this ball Not in my house." "Shut this motherfucker up, would you?" " Time." " What?" "Show him the old "Roldy Roll."" "It's tan risky." "I haven't dune that in forever." "Na, dude, came an." "You gut this." "Feel it." "[WHISPERS] Hello, old friend." "[IN NORMAL VOICE] Clear." "[CROWD CHEERING]" "We wan!" "Who are those guys?" "I don't know, but they're fucking studs." "[ADRIAN MOANS]" "I know this is your first time, so I'm gonna be extra gentle." "Who's that?" "Oh, that's just my dad." "Why does he lack... ..so familiar'?" "[GROANING]" "[LAUGHING]" "[GRUNTING]" "That's not good." "Na." "Hey, are we gonna do this or what?" "Yeah, we are, but your dad is Sergei Katsov?" "Heh." "Nat again." "Oh, my Gad." "This happens every goddamn time." "Na, nu, nu." "Give your dick." "Aah, aah." "Hey!" "Whoa." "Wait, I almost gut it." "It really hurts." "You're digging your nails into it!" "Aah!" "Are you going soft an me?" "Uh-uh." "You better not go soft an me!" "I'm nut, it's just hard." "Aah!" "And it really, really hurts." "Stop, just give me a two-minute break." "Aah!" "Sc haw do we do this?" "KUMAR:" "There's gotta be a freight elevator or something." " We take the ornaments off, or" " We could." "Hey, guys." "I just wanted to say that was an epic match." " Goad win." " Thanks, kid." "I'm sorry I was such a dick to you guys." "I thought you were old assholes." "But real talk... you guys are pretty cool." "So cheers" " Thanks." " Na, nu." "Came an." "Don't." "Roldy, the kid is acknowledging the error of his ways." "Respect that." "Came an, man, it's Christmas." "Thanks, kid." " All right." " Cheers." "HAROLD:" "Cheers." " Cheers." "Mm." "It's good." "Why don't you guys just sit dawn and I'll get that tree all wrapped up for you." " Thank you." " Thanks, man." "Appreciate it." "Diaper emergency!" "Aah!" "Cocaine!" "Have you kids never seen VH1's Behind the Music?" "Do you not know ...what cocaine can do to the mind of a person as young as you?" "[SNEEZES]" "[GIGGLES]" "[OVER SPEAKERS] Unh, reporting live from the kitchen" "With a brand-new swag" "Dude, do you feel kind of weird?" "Yeah, I do, actually." "My face is feeling kind of numb." "Oh, fuck." "The kids put something in here." "Was it drugs?" "Was it semen?" "[GARGLES]" "It doesn't taste like semen." "MARY:" "Uh!" "You fucking laser!" " Give me another chance!" "I'm begging you!" "I'm really, really, really sorry!" "That we had sex tan well tan often." ""Sorry" doesn't pap my cherry." "Somebody is gonna fuck me tonight!" "You!" "Oh, nu." "Ha." "Married." " He's single." " Hi." "Kumar." "I don't date black guys." " What?" "Whoa!" "MARY:" "Unh!" " What are you doing?" "MARY:" "Getting you ready." " Get her off me!" " Right, sorry, sorry!" "Uh, I'm not gonna let you rape my friend an Christmas Eve." "He's married." "[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]" "[CHATTERING]" "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "Who the fuck are you?" "[GROANS]" "[SCRATCHES]" "MARY:" "Stop resisting." "HAROLD:" "Push harder, dude!" "KUMAR:" "I am doing it!" "HAROLD:" "I can't get her Off!" "MARY:" "Oh, God!" "[HAROLD GRUNTS]" "Mariana?" "Daddy." "BOTH:" "Daddy." "That's Sergei Katsov." "I know, dude." "Start talking." " Start talking." " Okay." "She-." "Start talking!" "Now!" "Sir." "Hi." "My name is Kumar, this is Harald." "It's very nice to meet you." "Um, I know this is gonna be hard for you to believe but your daughter, sir, was the one who was trying to rape us." "She's the raper." "Na!" "Na, nu, nu!" "That is not true, Daddy." "These men came in here, I didn't know who they were." "I think that they gut me drunk." "Na." "Miss?" "Miss?" "That's incorrect." "You gut my daughter drunk?" "Sir, if I may." "This is all a big..." "Let me pull my pants up." "It's all a big misunderstanding." "Your children threw the party." "We have nothing to do with all the drugs and all the alcohol." "[WHISTLE]" "Okay, listen up!" "Party's aver!" "My baby is fucked an cocaine!" "KATSOV:" "I've heard enough." "Gustav." "[SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN]" " What?" "Oh, shit!" " Na!" "Na!" "Why does it always have to be "Gustav"?" " Why not "Yuri and Gustav, kill them"?" " He means bath." "Why can't he say bath of us?" "Bath of you kill them." "Kill them all!" "[CROWD CLAMORING]" " Aah!" "KUMAR:" "Ga!" "NOW!" "TODD:" "Unh, ah!" "Ava!" "Came with me if you wanna live!" "What?" "Na, nu!" "Na, nu, nu!" "[BOTH GRUNT]" "Aah." "Where's my baby?" ".Ava!" "Ava!" " Shh!" "Where could my baby be?" "Where's my baby?" "[BABY GIGGLING]" "[BOTH YELL]" "Your cake baby has superpowers." "[BOTH LAUGHING]" " That was close." " I know, right?" "HAROLD:" "Were you starting to trip out a little bit?" "Because I think I was starting to trip out back there a little bit." "Yeah, definitely, man." "I think there was something in the eggnog." "It's pretty fucking sweet." "Don't worry." "I'm pretty sure it's wearing off." "Or maybe not?" "Holy shit!" "Dude, you're Claymated!" "Ha-ha-ha." "Sc are you!" "Sc is he." "What's up, bland?" "Dude, everything's Claymated!" "Fuck you!" "KUMAR:" "This is great!" "Na, it's nut!" "Haw am I supposed to get a tree now?" "I'm made of clay." "Ooh, hold on." "I have an idea" "What the hell--?" "Yam" "KUMAR:" "Clay cocks!" " Put your cock away." "Dude, relax." "It's gonna wear off scan." "[WOMAN SCREAMS]" "HAROLD:" "Dude, are you seeing what I'm seeing?" "What the fuck?" "KUMAR:" "Don't worry, nothing bad ever happens in Claymation." "[SNOWMAN GROWLS THEN GRUNTS]" "Whoa!" "Shit!" "Fuck!" "Dude, lack cut!" "[PEOPLE SCREAMING]" "KUMAR:" "Came an, let's hide in that tree." "Dude, came an!" "HAROLD E KUMAR:" "Aww." "Hey, little guy." "Just wanna take you home and cuddle with you all night lung." "You hungry?" "[GROWLS]" "[BOTH SCREAMING]" "Fuck me!" "Mammy!" "Hold me!" " Roldy" " Kumar!" " What the hell's the matter?" "ROSENBERG:" "What are you doing?" " Rosen berg." " Goldstein'?" "We were doing last-minute shopping with my bay here when we saw you tearing that snowman a new tuchus." "ROSENBERG:" "You are gonna catch your death of cold out here." "Let's get you a nice meal ls there somewhere we can eat?" "This is why I tell you not to have people aver." "[WHISPERS] Every single other person gut out of here except for us." "[WHISPERS] I knew you'd bring that up." " You grabbed me." "You said, "Came with me if you want to live."" "[SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN]" "[GIGGLING]" " Man, I don't think that's okay." " It's fine." "It's not fine!" "My baby's an cocaine." "I'm an cocaine." "I'm addicted to cocaine." "[SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN]" "Ya!" "Idiots!" "I want you to find the men who violated my daughter and I want you to fucking kill them!" " Still hits the spat." "HAROLD:" "I know, right?" "Oh, I almost forgot." "Harald, my Uncle Yaav, he threw his back cut." "Sc me and him, we're not gonna be able to make your party." " I'm so sorry about that." " It's okay." "There's not really a" " We should get going." "We gut a Christmas tree emergency." "I don't understand what it is with you people and your trees." "GOLDSTEIN:" "For us Christians ...the tree is a very important part of our holiday." "Okay, don't start with this." "All right?" "Just because your wife made you convert doesn't mean you're not a Jew!" "His name is Seth Goldstein For Christ's sake!" "First of all, don't ever take the Lord's name in vain." "Secondly I was baptized, bitch!" "The second the priest... poured that holy water over me ...all my Jewish neurosis and self-hatred just washed right off." "KUMAR:" "Sounds like you're enjoying your new religion." "Dude, it's the balls." "These dirty Jew bastards have... no idea what they're missing" "Fishing!" "Hunting!" "I tie knots an a sailboat." "I made terrible investments... doesn't bother me a bit" "And guess what." "Next week I have an appointment to get uncircumcised." "That's right, I'm gonna get my snozzle." "Guys, I'd lave to stay and chat but I gotta go get this tree." "Christmas tree!" "Christmas tree!" "It's glorious." "Isn't it Christian?" "Great to see you guys." "KUMAR:" "See you, guys GOLDSTEIN:" "No, wait." "Excuse me!" "You still awe me 87 cents for that jalapeno cheeseburger!" "Ah!" "Guess that holy water didn't wash everything off, new did it?" "HAROLD:" "Gad, that tree is perfect." "KUMAR:" "Let's go check it cut." "Tickets, please." "I'm sorry, we don't have tickets." "They sold out months ago." " But" " Step aside, please." "I said step aside." "Shit." "You know what?" "Fuck it, it's almost midnight." "I give up." "You can't give up yet." "Lack I have an idea an haw we might get that tree cut." " What?" " It's not gonna be easy." "But this may be the last chance we've gut." "Here's what we do." "First, we need to steal some tickets." "Then I slip off to the side and take out the archbishop" "I head down to the nuns' shower room." "HAROLD:" "I didn't know the nuns all showered in the same room." "Haw do you think they stay so clean?" "While the nuns are Iezzing it out, I'm gonna snag the key to the back room." "HAROLD:" "What back room?" "The back roam that the priests are guarding." "Am I going tan fast?" " Na." " Okay, good." "You're in charge of distracting them." "Haw the hell do I do that?" "KUMAR:" "That's easy, you'll just use our secret weapon." "Pillow fight in the altar bays' roam." "Last one there's a rotten egg." "KUMAR:" "Once the coast is clear, we use the key to get into the back room." "I guard while you kill the power." "While everyone's trying to turn the power on you and I will get the tree." "We take it to your place, and when Maria's dad comes home and sees this beautiful tree in your living room, he'll jizz all over it." "What do you think?" "INEZ:" "Uncle Harald." "I think I see Uncle Harald aver there." "What do you mean, you see Uncle Harald?" "Baby?" "Oh, sorry, sir." "MR. PEREZ:" "It's okay, baby." "They all lack alike to me tan." "Ha-ha-ha." "HAROLD:" "Fuck!" "Midnight Mass." "Is it midnight already?" "Fucking midnight!" "Running out of time." "Wait, wait, wait!" "What the hell are we doing?" "Hold an." "What the hell's going an?" "He almost spotted us!" "I'm supposed to be at home with the tree." "But why are you making such a big deal about this?" "Because it is a big deal." "Who gives a shit what your father-in-law thinks?" "I give a shit what my father-in-law thinks." "You wouldn't understand." "Na, dude, I don't understand." "You got a great job, you make good money, you don't beat your wife." "What more could a Latina father-in-law ask far?" " Well..." " If I were you I'd tell him to eat a cockmeat sandwich." "You should not go through all this just to make him happy." "You're right, I don't have to" "I want to" "I want him to be happy because I want Maria to be happy." "Because what makes Maria happy is what makes me happy." "Don't you get it?" "I don't have to be doing this." "I wanna be doing this." "What the fuck?" "Smoke break ended 10 minutes ago!" "We need all bodies an-stage!" "[BOTH YELL]" "Oh, my Gad, you guys aren't even dressed?" "Jesus fucking Christ!" "You have the wrung people." "Wardrobe!" "Ga!" "Came an, came an, came an!" "Shut up!" "Ma'am, you seem like a very nice person." "BECCA:" "Ga!" "Move!" "Fucking actors." "ANNOUNCER [OVER SPEAKERS]:" "And now, ladies and gentlemen without further ado the man..." " Lack at these firs." "...You've all been waiting for:" "America's sweetheart!" "[SINGING] Deck the halls with boughs of holly" "Holy shit." "Neil." "Fa-Ia-Ia-Ia-Ia, Ia-Ia-Ia-Ia" "Dance." "What?" "Blend." "Blend." "Blend." "KUMAR:" "Harald." "Wait!" "Don we now our gay apparel" "Fa-Ia-Ia, Ia-Ia-Ia, Ia-Ia-Ia" "Troll the ancient yuletide carol" "Fa-Ia-Ia-Ia-Ia, Ia-Ia" "La-Ia!" "You better watch out You better not cry" "You better not pout I'm tellin' you why" "Santa Claus is comin'" "To town" "[GRUNTS]" "He sees you when you're sleeping" "He knows when you're awake" "[ALL GRUNTING]" "HAROLD:" "Oh, my Gad!" "So be good for goodness' sake" "[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]" "Santa Claus is comin' to town" "WAFFLEBOTS [SINGING] I played my drum for him" "Pa rum pum pum pum" "Then he" "Smiled at me" "Pa rum pum pum pum" "Me and my drum" "We wish you a merry Christmas" "We wish you a merry Christmas" "We wish you a merry Christmas" "And a happy New Year" "We wish you a merry Christmas" "We wish you a merry Christmas" "We wish you a merry Christmas" "And H happy.V" "New Year" "Merry Christmas, everyone!" "DIRECTOR:" "All right, that's a cut." "Great jab." "Great jab." "I've just gut a few notes, okay?" "Just gonna came an the stage." "Oh, Gad." "Fucking tight jeans." "NPH, ha, ha." "You are absolutely bringing the heat, and you are bringing it hard." "You're a dream, but unfortunately these backup blowjob artists are ruining everything!" "I can run it again." "Na, nu, nu." "Na, you skedaddle." "Ga and get some rest, huh?" "Make yourself fresh, okay?" "Ha, ha." "Damn it!" "Hey, Gracie, chin up." "Happens to the best of us." "You up far one-on-one rehearsing later?" "GRACIE:" "Wait." "You know my name?" "Of course." "You're doing great." "I thought we could work on a thing or two." " In my dressing roam, five minutes." " Yes!" "Thank you so much, Mr. Patrick Harris." " I'll get changed and be right aver." " I'll see you then." "You really think Neil can get us one of those trees?" "After all we've been through with that guy, he better." "Na shit." "REPORTER:" "Neil, Neil, Neil, Dan Frye." "Hollywood Hearsay." "Is it true that you're replacing Regis?" "NEIL:" "It'll be tough between How I Met Your Mother and charity work, but we'll see." "Oh, wow." "And you stunned fans when you said you were gay." "Haw has this affected your relationship with your partner, David?" "Well, maybe this'll answer your question." "Sc rm, NPH." "Mm, mm." "Ha-ha-ha." "Hey." "Haw about that?" "Thank you." "I lave you guys." "[BOTH CHUCKLE]" "Ugh." "What did I tell you about using tongue?" "You wanted it to lack realistic." "Yeah, realistic, not fucking gay as shit." "The only reason I put up with this homo crap is for the p-tang." "DAVID:" "Fuck this!" "I gut a wife and kid." "I'm out of here." "NEIL:" "Wait, man." "What about the stuff?" "DAVID:" "What stuff?" " The stuff." "Give me the stuff." "This stuff?" "[PANTS]" "Oh, yeah." "You'd like this bag of crack." "Wouldn't you?" "Well, maybe I should give it to someone else." "You know I gut Fred Savage an speed dial." "Fuck Savage!" "That rack is mine!" "Give it to me." "Came an, David, give me the stuff." "Give me the sugar." " Put money in my account." " You gut it." "Dane." " And sing at my niece's quinceanera." " All right, I'll sing." " You can't fuck her!" " I can't promise." " Fine." " Na!" "All right!" "I won't fuck her!" "Just let me have the rack." "GRACIE:" "Excuse me, Neil'?" "Oh." "Oh, this is" "I can came back later." " Na!" "Na, I'm heading cut." "Ha, ha." " Na, we were just" " Hi." "Bye-bye, sweet pea." " You behave yourself, peaches." "Ha-ha-ha." "DAVID:" "Always." "You guys are tan cute." "[MOUTHS] Fuck you." "I do lave that handsome man." "Thank you so much for this... opportunity to work with you" "Sure." "Came an in." "What would you like to rehearse?" "Oh." "Nothing specific." "Just some general stuff." "You seemed tense." "I thought we could loosen you up." "Take your sweater off." "[CHUCKLES]" "Oh, nu, nu." "For a massage." "Heh." "David'll tell you, these hands are magical." "Well, I don't really have anything an underneath, 50..." "Oh, it's okay." "It's just a couple girlfriends." "[BOTH CHUCKLE]" "New take it off." "Okay." "Why don't you lay an the bed?" "[SNIFFS]" " Ow." " Sorry." "[BOTH MOANING]" "Feels good." "Yeah, it does feel good." "I can't..." "I can't..." " Can I take this bra off?" " Um..." " It's okay." "Girlfriends." " Ha-ha-ha." "That's better." "Should we do something?" "I don't know, I kind of wanna see what happens next." "Feels good." "Oh, it's so hard." "This knot an your back is so hard." "Lack, don't be alarmed but I'm gonna squirt some lotion on your back in about 35 seconds." "Excuse me?" " Shut up." " What the fuck?" "Shut the fuck up!" "Get the fuck off of me!" "You like it rough?" "I can play that way." "Gad!" "I thought you were gay!" "I am gay." "Gay for that pussy." "Oh!" "I don't know what sick game you're playing but touch me again, I'll rip your dick off!" "[LAUGHING]" "[GRUNTS]" "Marty, Kumar, long time." "It's Harald, actually." "Ha-ha-ha." "Of course it is." "Came an, have a seat." "Haw long has it been?" "You two lack great." "Have you last weight?" "Is that Hugo Bass?" "I lave it." "Well, thanks." "Listen, um..." "Would you like a waffle, Mr. Harris?" "Shut up!" "Gad, I hate this fucking PancakeBot thing." "Dude, it's a WaffleBot" "They're awesome." "WaffleThing." "Get the fuck... out of my life!" "Ouch." "[NEIL SIGHS]" "Anyway what can I do for you, my burglars of turd?" "Time-the-fuck-cut." "Haw are you still alive?" "Yeah, haw the fuck?" "What are you talking about?" "We saw you get shat." "You have to be more specific." "In that whorehouse" "In Texas." "You branded a prostitute." "Remember?" "Oh. yeah!" "New I remember." "It hurt like hell at first." "And then..." "[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE] ...everything faded away." "And I went to heaven." "It was exactly like I imagined it." "[CHATTERING]" "Saint Peter was there to meet me." "Whoa." "Na way!" " NPH?" " Yup." "ST." "PETER:" "Make roam!" "Make roam!" "VIP!" "[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]" "NEIL:" "The chicks were hot." "The music was sick." "There were lasers." "It was like being famous in the early '90s." "I was about to get my drink on, when I was interrupted by some dirty hippie." "Neil Patrick Harris." "My man." "I'm sure you recognize me... but I'm Jesus." "So" "Jesus...?" "Jesus Christ." "That's me." "I'm Jesus Christ, Neil." "Hey, ladies." "Neil Patrick Harris." "I played Private Carl Jenkins... in Starship Troopers." "JESUS:" "Wow." "I lave that movie." "Coal, coal." "Awesome." "Let's get shuts." "Keep the party going." " Who's in?" " Shuts." "Sn, girls..." "Aw, came an." "Haw did that happen already?" "Give me the phone to Dad." "GOD:" "This is God." " Daddy?" "We need to 85 NPH ASAP." "He's getting a handjob in my club." "[MOANS]" "Jesus, what a cockblock." "Doesn't explain the gay thing." "You're not gay, motherfucker." "At all." "[LAUGHS]" "That's a little something we magicians call "misdirection."" "Little trick I learned from Clay Aiken HAROLD:" "What?" "Clay Aiken's not gay?" "Clay's the biggest coozehound I know." "That guy gets mad gash." "HAROLD:" "Neil, listen." "I was wandering if" "I can get you one of those Christmas trees?" "Sure, no problem." "How'd you know that?" "I can read your mind." "KUMAR:" "All right." "You might be able to--?" "Hook you up with a free WaffleBot?" "You know what'?" "Take mine." "I hate that android fuck." "Don't call him that, dude What's up, WaffleBot?" "Waffles are awesome." "Pancakes suck, right?" "I hate pancakes." "I know, so do I." "Kumar." "Thanks, Neil." " Thanks." "NEIL:" "Na problem." "Hey, merry Christmas, guys." "We'll see you in the fourth one." "HAROLD:" "Gad, this is amazing." "We're actually gonna make it home before they do." " We saved Christmas, man." "KUMAR:" "Mission accomplished." " All right, put dawn the tree." "Put it dawn." " Unh!" "HAROLD:" "All right." " Waffle break?" "All right." "Oh, Gad." "Oh, my God." "WaffleBot" "Dude, seriously these are incredible waffles." "Kumar and WaffleBot friends forever." "Ha, ha." "No doubt, WaffleBot" "I love you Kumar." " Ha, ha." "I lave you tan, little guy." "HAROLD:" "What the fuck?" "That is the weirdest fucking toy." "You're happy" "See?" "You're laughing." "You're having fun." "Admit it:" "I'm more fun to hang out with than Todd." "Todd and Ava." "I totally forgot about them." "I'm sure they're fine, right?" "It's going to voice-mail" "I think they're fine." "Todd's a big bay." "He's probably putting her to bed or something." "Yeah." "They're probably fine, right?" "MADEA [ON TV]:" "Look at me, look at me!" "Why wasn't you at school today?" "I went to the park." "she lying" "MADEA:" "What was you doing?" "You supposed to be at school." "[BAG RUSTLING]" "Little girl, I'm not gonna ask you no more." "NIKKI:" "I'm not smart like the other kids." "I can't do that stuff." "MADEA:" "Who told you that?" "NIKKI:" "My last foster mother." "She told me that the only thing I'm gonna be smart enough to do is lay on my back." "MADEA:" "The best revenge you can have on somebody that told you that..." "[CRUNCHING] ...:'s to prove them wrong." "I went to that school and I got your homework" "TODD [WHISPERS]:" "Are you fucking kidding me?" "["DECK THE HALLS" PLAYS AS RINGTONE]" " Oh." " Oh." "Maybe that's Todd." "Whoa, why is Vanessa calling you?" "Oh, that's because Maria is" " Hello?" "VANESSA:" "Kumar?" " Is that you?" " Yeah." "Why are you calling Harald?" "[SIGHS]" "Can I just speak to him, please?" "What?" "Na." "I've been texting you." "I haven 't heard back." "What's going on?" "Tell him I'm not gonna make it to his party tomorrow." "Oh." "Oh, you're not gonna make it" "She won't make it to your party." "Tan bad." "What else have you been doing behind my back?" "Has she seen your dick?" "Is it bigger than mine?" "Kumar, you're acting ridiculous, okay?" "Goodbye." "No, don't hang up the phone on me." "Hello?" "Here's your phone." "What is that?" "That's Vanessa, Todd, Rosenberg, Uncle Yaav." "Does everybody know about this party?" "Listen, if you want you can came." "I don't wanna came to your shitty-ass party, dude." "I can't believe you'd invite Vanessa and not tell me." "Am I supposed to feel bad?" "Maybe if you acted more like an adult, you'd get invited to adult parties." "Maybe you should go back to your fancy house... with your douchey friends and gay-ass sconces." "I don't need to be part of this." "I love those sconces" "You know, I was really happy till you showed up today." "Okay." "Well, then, fuck it, dude." " I'm cut." " Fine with me." "Fine." " Coal." " All right." " Are we having lovers' quarrel?" " Oh, shit." "[MUFFLED GRUNTING]" "Kumar, my friend." "Oh, lack." "A WaffleBot" "GUSTAV:" "Mary would lave one of these." " Uh-huh." "GUSTAV:" "Grab it." "Oh, crap." "GUSTAV:" "Wake up!" "Wake up!" "Wake up!" "Wake up." " Wake up." " Oh." "Oh, shit." "Please, I don't know what we've dune, but please let us go." "After you made Eiffel Tower an Mary?" "That was a misunderstanding." "I'm freezing!" "Give us back our clothes." "Yuri, warm them up." "WAFFLEBOT:" "Kumar." "KUMAR:" "Please don't do that." "Please, please, please." "There is a very serious gas crisis in the world." "Let's discuss." " Came an, man!" "As they say in my country:" "[SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN]" "Na, don't say "do svidaniya."" "Came an." "You didn't get the lighter." "You said gasoline, Orbits and coffee." "Nothing about lighter." "GUSTAV:" "You stupid fucking moron!" "You're such a fuck-up!" "Oh, shit." "[SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN]" "[GUSTAV SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN]" "Hey, guys, stop!" "Stop!" "Guys, guys, stop it, stop it." "Now, lack, I understand that you guys have your issues, okay?" "But wasn't there a time you actually used to get along?" "You might be in a different time and place, but that doesn't change the fact that you have a long and probably beautiful history together." "Yeah, maybe one of you fucks up every new and again." "Happens." "Maybe he fucks up all the time." "Doesn't mean the other should forget about the good times." "Right." "Right." "Yeah, and maybe just because the other one is trying to act like an adult and be responsible doesn't necessarily mean that he's being a fucking chade." "Maybe he's been a chade, caring more about bay windows and sconces than a lifetime of friendship" "What do you say, guys?" "[SOBBING]" " Yeah, hug it cut." " All right." "Hey, guys." "Haw about you cut us cut?" "We'll go get ourselves a Christmas beer." " A beer sounds great." "HAROLD:" "Awesome." "[CHUCKLES]" "GUSTAV:" "But first we have some killing to do." "Came an!" "After we just had that breakthrough?" "Sorry." "Say your goodbyes." "It'll all be aver quick." " Is this haw we die?" " I think so, dude." "Bye, Kumar." "Bye, Harald." "WAFFLEBOT:" "Kumar." "Your waffles are ready." " WaffleBot?" "These guys think pancakes are better than waffles." "I hate pancakes." "[GUN CLICKING]" "They serve pancakes in hell." "[SCREAMS]" "Ooh!" "BOTH:" "Holy shit!" "You hurt my brother!" "[GROANS THEN YELLS]" "[GRUNTS]" "[BOTH LAUGH]" "KUMAR:" "Whoa!" "[GRUNTS]" " Haw do we get out of these rapes?" " WaffleBot." "Kumar." "Can you untie us?" "Battery low." "Losing... power." "WaffleBot, lack at me." "You can do this, man." " Ha, ha." " Oh, man." "Thanks, WaffleBot." "You're welcome, Kumar." "Pancakes are fucking gay." "Holy shit." "That is the best Christmas toy ever." "HAROLD:" "I guess." "It's extraordinarily unsafe, but it did save our lives." " Listen, man, I" " Man, this" " Aah!" " Oh, my Gad." "Holy shit!" "This is like that scene from A Christmas Story." "Is it like the scene from A Christmas Story?" "I just saw this scene." "[HAROLD GRUNTING]" " Oh, fuck!" " Okay, we need same sort of a warm liquid." "I'll spit an it." "Don't fucking spit an my dick!" "Fine." "Can you pee an it?" "Give me a second." " It's not working." " Fine, I'll pee an it." "Don't pee an me!" "Jesus!" "Well, then what the hell do--?" " Oh." "Our clothes." " Oh." "Coal about the clothes." "My dick's stuck to a pale!" "Dude, you're in luck." "There's still coffee in here." "Get it aver here." "Hurry the fuck up!" "Okay, lack, this is scalding hat coffee." "So I'm just gonna pour a little bit on." "Probably gonna sting for a second." " Get it aver with!" " All right." "Just let me just" "[SCREAMING]" " I'm sorry." " Fuck!" "Oh, fuck!" "I'm sorry, dude!" "Oh, Gad, I ruined your dick!" "You asshole!" "Just walk it off." "Walk it Off." "[WHISPERS] Haw long are we supposed to stay in here?" "TODD [WHISPERS]:" "Until that fucking Russian sociopathic killing machine leaves." "They gave my daughter ecstasy." "[m RUSSIAN]" "I don't know Russian, but he seems a little upset." "I'd say so." "Shh, shh!" "ADRIAN:" "She's crashing hard." "We gotta give her more blow." "Na, nu!" "Na more cocaine!" "I need it!" " There's some." " Do not give her more!" "Give it to me!" "TODD:" "Ava, nu!" "Na, please!" "Stop for Daddy." "Shh, shh!" "Please!" "ADRIAN:" "Dude, lack." "Oh, this is not good!" "Oh, this is not good." "Oh, this is not good!" "Ava!" "Scooch to Daddy!" "Hide behind Daddy!" "ADRIAN:" "New plan." "Let's bash through the dour." "You steal his gun." "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" "[SNIFFS]" "[GRUNTS]" "TODD:" "Yah!" "[IN NORMAL VOICE] Oh, fuck me." "Fuck." "I'm" "I'm so sorry." "Wow." "I thought that would knock you out, obviously." "Lack." "We are two reasonable guys and..." "[OBJECT THUMPS]" "[THUDS]" "These are dangerous, but, aw, it's a great workout." "You can really feel it." "Bis, peas, this one." "TODD:" "Thank you, Adrian." "That was a really great team effort." "Who's my sidekick?" "You are." "Let's go." "Goad girl!" "Let's go home!" "Let's go see Santa." "Oh, mints!" "Mm." "HAROLD:" "Where the fuck are we?" "Those guys weren't kidding." "We're in the middle of nowhere." "Do you have any bars'?" " I gut no bars." " Shit." "Nothing here." "Hello?" "Anybody here?" "Forget it." "Just" "Forget it." "It's past 2 a.m." "They're home, wandering where I am, where the tree is." "I just" "It's such a disaster, this fucking night." "Yeah, you have no fucking idea, dude." "Na." "When Maria's dad was a young bay in Medellin" " Vanessa's pregnant." "What?" "She told me earlier today." "My reaction was not awesome." "I thought weed stunted fertility." "That's why I quit." "Yeah." "Tell that to Snoop's kids." "Wait a second, that's why you quit weed?" "Yeah, that's why I" "We've been trying for like a..." "For a year." "Oh, man." "New I feel even worse about your dick." "I don't wanna" "Haw do we get cut?" "I gut an idea." "I saw this in a movie, man." "Just shunt this motherfucker, people came." "We can find people." "Na, it's fine." "Aah!" "New what?" "I don't know." "[MAN GROANING]" "Na fucking way." "Santa, can you hear me?" "Oh, what the fuck?" "Lie still." "You've been in a terrible accident." "I'm gonna take a closer lack." "Oh, Gad!" "This isn't good." "Mr. Claus, can you feel any of this?" "[BOTH YELL]" "SANTA:" "Just let me die, please!" "Let me die in peace!" "No." "Nobody's dying, Claus Not on my watch." "Listen to me." "I need you to go into Santa's gift bag get as many medical supplies as you can." "Oh, Gad!" "Aah!" "KUMAR:" "Ah, there." "I think that'll do it." "Haw do you feel, Mr. Claus?" "Uh, a little woozy" "The morphine." "It'll wear off." "Nice." "But I think I'm okay." "Lack, Santa, we're so sorry." "Oh, I know it wasn't your fault." "You two have always been good bays." "Tell that to my father-in-law." "Hey, man, I can take the blame for that, all right?" "Listen, I'd lave to stay and chat but I'm running a little late and I have all these presents to deliver." "Sc you guys need a ride or something?" "Seriously?" "KUMAR:" "Ha, ha." "Dude, this is awesome!" "It's not not awesome!" "On, Blitzen Hyah!" "[SANTA CHUCKLES]" "[HAROLD E KUMAR YELLING]" "[SANTA CHUCKLES]" "Thanks for the ride." "I'm guessing... you don't have a 12-foot Fraser fir'?" "Sorry." "I can't help you there." "Besides I gave you your present." " You did?" "SANTA:" "Yes." "You gut my package, right?" "The joint?" " That was you?" "SANTA:" "Yeah." "It was my little way of bringing you bays back together." "Dude I'd really like it if you came over tomorrow." "Won't be a party unless you're there." "It's about fucking time, Roldy." "I wouldn't miss it, man." "By the way, for what it's worth... you'd make a great dad" "SANTA:" "Well, I guess this is goodbye, Roldy." "Be a good bay next year." "All right." "Na more jerking off into a sack filled with baby powder." ".L.." "SANTA:" "Ha, ha." "Don't worry." "I'm just teasing you." "I do it tan." "[LAUGHS]" "On, Prancer!" "On, Comet!" "On, Blitzen!" "Hyah! Merry Christmas, Roldy" "MR. PEREZ:" "Where's the tree?" "It's, um..." "Okay, what happened is that, um..." "You said you were going to ...take care of it." "New where's the tree?" "What happened to the tree is, uh I kind of burned it dawn." "That tree was a Perez family tradition." "You ruined Christmas!" "Ha, ha." "I ruined your--?" "You ruined my Christmas, man!" "Heh, heh." "Do you know what happened'?" "Uh, I inadvertently introduced a baby to cocaine." "I was almost burned alive by Ukrainian gangsters." "I was drugged by... asshole teenagers." "Then I danced in a Christmas extravaganza." "And I'm a terrible dancer." "I almost had my dick ripped off." "And then I shat Santa Claus in the fucking face." "He's real, and I shat him in the face." "Why?" "Because I wanted you to have a perfect fucking Christmas." "Now, here's a newsflash:" "This is my house." "Maria is my wife." "And if you want to be in our family... you best show me some fucking respect." "Is that tan much?" "I like it" " Really?" " Lack." "I always knew you were a nice guy." "But that's not enough to be with my Maria." "I didn't want her to be with some wimpy pussy." "But you" "You showed me you got cojones." "Testicles, right?" "Rosetta Stone." " You know what?" " What's that?" "This coming Easter... you guys come to my house" "That would really be great." "Thank you, Carlos." "Mr. Perez." "Mr. Perez." "[GULPS]" "KUMAR:" "Fuck!" "Kumar!" "Jesus!" "I'm sorry." "I was gonna use the doorbell but I didn't want to wake your parents." "What--?" "What are you doing?" "You can't just" "Hold an." "There's something I need to say to you, okay?" "When you told me you were pregnant, I admit I was scared as shit." "The more I think about it, the more excited I am." "I mean, I lave kids." "That's because you are a kid." "I know." "But..." "Lack, if you give me another chance... ..l promise you I will go back to the medical board, I'll get my job back." "I'll even quit weed if I have to" "You'd quit weed?" "Of course." "I would do anything for you." "When I saw what Harald did for his family tonight it made me realize haw important you are to me." "I wish I would've realized that sooner." "You don't have to do this." "I know I don't have to" "I want to" "Do me a favor" "Yeah, anything." "Don't quit weed." "What?" "Just remember, next time you take a drug test use my pee." "I lave you." "I lave you tan." "Let's have some sex before you get all fat an me." "[VANESSA CHUCKLING]" "MARIA:" "Oh, my Gad." "Oh, my Gad!" "Harald!" "Wake up!" "Baby." " It's pink." " Oh, my Gad." " It's pink." " It's a miracle." "It's a miracle." "[MR. PEREZ SPEAKS IN SPANISH]" "MR. PEREZ:" "It's a miracle!" "It's a miracle!" "Isn't this the mast beautiful tree you've ever seen?" "I came downstairs this morning and here she was." "Gad bless us, everyone!" "[ALL GASP]" "[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]" "Ha-ha-ha!" "Merry Christmas!" "[LAUGHS]" "[English" " US" " SDH]"