"(music on radio)" "(turns off radio)" "(thud)" "Jesus Christ." "Oh, shit, shit!" "Sorry, sorry, sorry!" "Jesus!" "Are you OK?" "Are you OK?" "Are you OK?" "Are you all right?" "Speak to me." "Can you hear me?" "I can't help you if you don't talk to me." "Oh, right." " Parlez-vous francais?" " Oui." " Ah." "Ca va?" " Ca va." "# Big Train" "# Big Train" " So it's the big day, Martin." " Yeah." "How do you feel now about meeting your birth mother?" "All sorts of things." "I feel great, you know." "It would have felt very wrong to have met her while my adoptive parents were alive, but now they've gone..." "So you're ready to meet your mum." " OK." "Julie, can you bring Diane in, please?" " Yeah, sure." "Come in, Diane." "(deep gurgling noises)" "Meet your mum, Diane." " A lot of emotions." " Oh!" "I know, I know." "Oh..." "Oh, it's so lovely." "Oh!" " My mummy!" " (belching noise) lt makes it all worthwhile." "Judith, you might want to come and look at this." " How do you turn the sound up on this?" " Oh, yeah. I had it down a little bit." "(Smurf-like singing with "boing" noises)" "So, in conclusion, these cakes really are selling extremely quickly." "They're selling like nobody's business." "They're flying off the shelves." "Maybe it's because we warm them up first, but they are being bought at a tremendous rate." "In fact, I've never seen anything sell with such speed as these warmed-through cakes." "People are literally snapping up these cakes like, well, like they're going out of fashion." "Um, sorry." "You could say they were selling like hot cakes." "That's as good a place as any to end the meeting, so thank you very much, Steve, and thank you, everybody." "Peter, can I have a quick word?" "Peter, I'm afraid I'm going to have to let you go." "You're... you're firing me?" " But why?" " Because you're a smart aleck, Peter." "You can't help making glib remarks about cakes." "I'm afraid up here what counts is how you make cakes, not what you say about them." "Don't..." "Don't fire me, please." "I'm committed to cakes." "OK, it's clearly not working out for you in this division, so... I'm prepared to give you another chance." "I'm gonna move you to another section." "But I want you to cut out the smart remarks." " OK?" "It's down to you, Peter." " OK." "And so, to recap, this represents the vat of broth, and these figures represent the broth makers, or cooks, if you will." "There's a lot of them." "And it's this surfeit of cooks that's having such a negative impact on the broth." "There's too many cooking staff, and it's ruining the product." "You'd think, wouldn't you, that having so many cooks would make it better, but no, it's making it worse." "So, to put it in simple terms, the ratio of chefs to the amount of food being prepared is proving detrimental to the broth." "Um..." "You could say... that you've bollocksed it up." "(siren)" "(tunes up)" "(# flamenco)" "(tempo slows)" "(tempo picks up)" "(tempo slows)" " Good work, son." " Thank you." "Very good." "(squawking)" "(man blows bird call)" " ls that a teal?" " There's a flock of them." " There, just over by that fallen tree." " Oh, yeah." " There's six of them, isn't there?" " Yeah, hang on." " l'm gonna get that." " (rapid camera clicks)" "Oi!" "What's going on here?" "!" "What is going on here?" "Come on, out!" "I've told you before, haven't I?" "How many times have I told you before, eh?" "How many times have I told you before?" "This is a private sanctuary for ducks." " Are you a duck?" " No." " Are you a duck?" "!" " No." "Well, fuck off then!" "Come on, out!" "Come on, out!" "Move yourself." "Go on." "Go on." " Careful with the..." " Go on, out!" " That's expensive." " Out!" " Don't push." " Out!" "Out!" "Out!" "Go on." " (blows bird call)" " Don't you quack at me!" "Take that bloody thing with you as well." "Next time it won't be me." "It'll be the swans, right?" "(softly) Watch it, watch it." "(men chuckling)" " (blows bird call) - (laughter)" " l don't think he heard you!" " l don't think he heard anything!" " Hi. I'd like to buy a ball, please." " Sorry, sir." "We don't sell balls." "Right." "Oh, hey, hang on..." "We've got loads of balls." "(man) You may leave us, guard." " How is the prisoner?" " l am a man accustomed to injustice." "Have you thought more of our scheme?" "It is a plan not without danger, but this evil emperor must be overthrown." "We have an army of 20,000 men awaiting you." "I have certain demands." "Well, we will do everything in our power to see they're met." "I'll need fresh horses, food for several days." "It shall be arranged." "Also, I have made a friend here." "Keith Emerson, from Emerson, Lake and Palmer." "He was sentenced for his part in the Thracian insurrection." "I wish to grant him his freedom." "What happened to Lake and Palmer?" "Palmer was drowned in a lake." "Lake is a slave in Parma." "What a sorry fellow." "(prisoner) He says little." "He communicates mainly through music." " ls he a fighter?" " The finest in all of Rome." "(growls)" "(plays experimental rock)" "As you can see, Keith's fascination with the more elaborate end of prog rock has lumbered him with a vast array of keyboards." " l need 200 mules for the journey." " 200 mules?" "lmpossible!" " Keith Emerson." " Yeah?" "Do you agree to leave this place without your complete keyboard collection?" "Perhaps you could take a single Yamaha DX7?" "Or the Moog synthesizer?" "No." "Keith will not travel without his entire collection." "Such a journey is not possible without roadies." "The ELP roadies were sold into slavery in Crete." " l need 200 mules." " Maximus, listen..." "No!" "I will not leave without Keith and his entire keyboard collection." " Maximus, I urge you to see reason." " Those are my conditions." "And, as usual, the usual terms and conditions apply to these conditions." "Very well. I cannot promise 200 mules, but I'll see what I can do." "(# prog rock)" "Emerson, be quiet. I'm trying to think." "Did Markham contact you, James?" " Who?" " Andrew Markham?" "He wanted to show you a new film script, so I gave him your number." "Hope you don't mind." "He's with Benton Hanratty at the moment, so he's feeling a bit frustrated." " He did that great ad for oven chips." " Mm." " Where they're dressed like Pan's People?" " Yeah." " Brilliant." " Oh, I read his treatment." "I kept thinking Lenny Henry." "Hm, I know what you mean, but I thought Neil Pearson." "Hm." "He went in to see Big Pictures." "You know, Biff Henderson's new company?" "They offered him a deal, but I don't think he was very interested." " Did he contact you?" " Yes, he did." "What did you say to him?" "I said the difference between Big Pictures and us is that we actually make films." " He's terrible!" " Yeah, I know." "(they carry on chattering)" "(woman) Max, Max, look what I've found." " ls something wrong, Max?" " Take those clothes off at once!" "But why?" "What have I done?" "You must know my first wife was a Mexican bandido!" "I..." "I..." "Oh!" "Max!" "Please..." "Please leave me." "Damn you!" "You're still laughing now, even from the grave." "Aren't you, Pedro?" "(chatter continues)" "Hello." "This is a friend from work." "Jim." " Hello, Jim." " Nick, a good friend of mine." " We just saw Guy Ritchie outside." " Oh, yeah?" " He had two bodyguards with him." " ls that what they were?" " l saw Ralph Fiennes there the other week." " Well, they get their suits made round here." " Shall I go t'bar?" " Oh, yeah..." " l'll have a pint of best, please." " Best." " Half for me, please." " Half for you." " Great." "So you work with Lenny?" " Yeah, yeah." " That thing you said about bodyguards." " Yeah?" "Was that some sort of reference to me not being married?" "Sorry?" "Was that some kind of comment about me not being married?" "No!" "Cos if you say anything about me not being married again, I'll put your fucking head through the wall!" " There we go." "Little one for you." " Thank you." "Tell Nick about the..." "We were on a train at the weekend." "Well, you tell him. lt's a good story." " Um..." " You were on the train." "Yeah." "Yeah, we were on the train." "Um..." "Yeah, we were in the carriage and there were a couple of kids kicking a can of Coke about..." "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah." "Yeah, I know how this story ends." " Yeah?" " Ends with me not being married, doesn't it?" " What?" " You think I don't know what you're saying?" "Coke cans." "Not Tango, Coke cans." "You're talking about me not being married again." "No, I'm not!" "I'm..." "Oh, is it just some sort of coincidence then that the kids are kicking a Coke can?" "Not throwing, kicking." "Marriage, Coke can, me not being married." "You won't let go of it will you?" "Are you mental?" "No." "No, I'm not having a go or... I'm not afraid of you." "# l'm getting married in the morning" "# Ding-dong, the bells are going to chime" "(Lenny) That took long enough, didn't it?" "I reckon Henman has a good chance in the French Open." " l'm gonna go." " You what?" " l wanna go, I wanna go." " All right." "All right, mate. I'll come with you." "(speaking in French)" "Ah-ha, here we go." "There's the spine." " (heartbeat)" " You can make out all the vertebrae." "I'm just going up to the head." "Can you see the head just there?" " Um..." " Yeah?" "Van Morrison." "It's got Van Morrison's face." "Can you turn it up a bit?" "(Van Morrison) Jazz or RB, but music." "I'm about music." "I'm very, very sorry." "Well, that was, as ever, spectacular." " So, how long is she away?" " l don't know." " She's your wife, James." " lt just depends how long the shoot is." "Voycek'll keep them in that godforsaken jungle for six months if he has to." " You're a bastard, James." " (chuckles knowingly)" "You're no Sue Barker yourself, are you?" " So, where does Alex think you are today?" " At home." "He's got an appointment with the accountant." "It looks like he might lose the Savile Row shop." "I always thought Alex was all mouth and trousers." "Now it would seem he's all mouth, without even the trousers." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Now, there's a quote in your book from Naomi Woolf." "It's not actually a quote from Naomi Woolf." "It's something a friend said was like something Naomi Woolf might have said." "Right." "So do you agree with the quote, or suggested quote, to the effect that there's a gender bias in the media which could be equated with discrimination against Afro-Americans in the 1 960s?" "No." "What I would say is that women are still not being listened to." " Yes, but that's..." " lf l may finish." "Yes, of course we have a platform in the media - l myself am a writer - but as opinion-formers, we still have a very long way to go." "So do you think your opinions are valuable, as a woman?" " They're very important." " Think they're more emotional than logical?" " No, of course I don't." "That's a silly remark." " Well, that's something..." " lt's an obvious observation." " Yeah, but could I just ask..." "To me that's the kind of observation that was being made in the '80s..." " lf l could just ask..." " (# piano intro)" "# Why is a woman so illogical?" "# While a man is rational and clear" "# The feminine emotional response can be completely baffling, I fear" "# You see, a man will solve a problem with a minimum of fuss" "# A woman, on the other hand, is quite different from us" "# She'll scream and shout and stamp her foot in quite an alarming fashion" "# While men address a problem with a minimum of passion" " # Oh, why are they so infuriating?" " We're not." " # So utterly irrational?" " But we're not." " # So damnably emotional?" " l refute that." "# So frustratingly impossible?" "So thoroughly unpredictable?" "# So consistently maddening?" "So deliriously hysterical?" "# Oh, why can't they just be more..." "# Well, like a man?" "If that's the level of debate you're expecting to have, then I really have nothing further to add." "It's quite ridiculous." "I rest my case." "Ah!" "Ah!" "You like that?" "How about this?" "Oh!" "I'll give you more later." "I'll break you in gently." "Oh, my God!" "Ah!" " l think I'm gonna come." " Miaow." " There we go." " Oh!" "God, you are so good." "Well, I've never had any complaints." " l'm exhausted." " Yeah, you would be." " How long's your wife away?" " l told you, I don't know." " You didn't tell me." " Didn't I?" " No." " Well, I don't know." "I saw Alex and Jane this week." "She said that Alex was gonna have to shut the shop in Savile Row." "I thought Alex was all mouth and trousers." "Now it would seem he's mouth without even the trousers." " That is so funny." " Yeah, I just thought of it now." "You said we could get away this weekend." "Patrick will be in Zurich all week." "Well, I can't. I've got to go to LA to meet John Travolta." "I want him to be in the film." "He loves Patrick's screenplay." "John Travolta?" "Wow." "Well, "He's the one that I want Ooh, ooh, ooh, honey."" "Thanks." "(phone rings)" "Ruth Jenson." "Oh, hello, Mr Robinson." "Thanks for calling back." "I work at the Venus De Milo Health and Beauty Centre." "Your wife was in earlier today and we think she might have spent longer than we'd usually recommend on our sun bed." "Well, she looks all right with a bit of blusher." "(in French)" " ls it locked?" " Yes." " lt's on you tonight." " All right." "(chatter/giggling)" " Straight to bed, I think, Mrs Jones." " l think so." "Don't need that, don't need that." "Let's get in there." " Oh." " What?" " Darling..." " Shh!" "Ah!" " lt's safe to talk now, I think." " l think so." "Visiontext Subtitles:" "Natasha Cohn" "Excuse me, sir." "Do you want to try one of these?" "Oh, go on, then." "No, thanks." "# Big Train" "# Big Train" "Hello." "I love London at this time of year." "You what?" "Listen, I'm getting a little bored of the party." "I wondered if you'd like to share a cab home with me?" "(mimicking) I'm getting a little bored of the party. (babbles) I'm sorry?" "Right." "Well, I see you want to be left alone, so, good night." "Yeah, go on, then." "Go on." "I was here first." "(sighs) God, why do I always do that?" "I'm so lonely." "(# "Steptoe and Son" theme)" " What is it, darling?" " The results from my test." " What does it say?" " They can't find anything wrong with me." "I'm a... a... new species." "It says I'm a completely new species." "They've never come across anything like it." "How can you be a completely new species?" " They must have got the result mixed up." " Yeah." "Happens quite a lot, doesn't it?" "It's my test results." "I'm afraid it's very, very bad news." "(man) Ahh!" " Look, Jemima, it's a doll. lsn't it lovely?" " Yeah!" "And, darling, this is for you." "Can I open it, Dad?" "You know I love opening presents." "Go on, then, Jemima." "OK, give it to me, Jemima." " lsn't it great?" " Ooh." "It's got a tiny keyboard." "And I mean, really, really tiny." "Go on, give it a go." "Happy Christmas, you fat-handed twat." "We all know that coming through a traumatic experience can be very, very difficult." " (sobbing)" " Julie, it's OK." "It's OK." "Primal scream therapy, or PST, can be a very emotional experience, so if anyone wants to leave, why don't you do it now?" " James, you look nervous." "Do you wanna go?" " No." " You sure?" " l'll stay." "I want you to close your eyes, first of all, and feel all the hurt and the pain coming up through you." "Lose those inhibitions." "Let them fly away as you feel the scream rising through you, and then let it go." "Let it go." "Shake it away if you want to." " Let it come out." " (disparate wailing)" "Come on, James." "(wailing increases)" "(instructor) Look at 'em!" "(cackles) You stupid pricks!" "(opens can) lt's brilliant!" "Look at that!" "You idiots!" "You stupid idiots." "I hate you so much!" "Look at him!" "It's brilliant." "One thing, I do have a slight problem with the stunt double." "Really?" "It doesn't bother me." "What?" "Only in so much as do you think that you can tell it's another guy?" "No, I don't think so." "I mean, you're aware that it's a stunt double." " lf you weren't aware of the fact that..." " Yeah, I know." "Point taken." " But let's have another look at it." " OK." "Just whizz back a few frames." "And... freeze." "There." "Do you know what I mean?" "This guy's black." "And our actor's white." "Martin's a white guy." "Yeah, but I think that if you take that bit out and go for another edit now, you'll ruin the rhythm of the scene." "That's got a great rhythm now." "It's up to you." "Yeah." "No, you're absolutely right." "It's cos l know it's another guy, I'm looking for it." "OK, let's move on." "(speaking in Japanese)" " Excuse me!" " Yes." "Can you make a photograph of me and my wife?" " Yes, of course." " Thank you." "This is the latest technology." "Mini-camera from Japan." "(in Japanese.:)" "I deal in nightmares." "And nightmares have to be awfully vivid." "You're very glad when you wake up." "(men, mumbling) Behave, behave." "Oi, hello, darling." "Hello, darling." "Cor!" "That's right." "Over there." "Lovely, lovely, look at that." "Oi." "Anyway, I said to him, there's no way I'm eating that without Daddy's sauce on." " He said go fuck yourself..." " Hey!" "Oi." "Hello, darling." "Hello, darling." "Steak and kidney pie." "Hello, mate." "All right, mate?" "Hello, mate." " lt's a bloody disgrace." " Standing around, doing nothing." "Hello, hello, hello." "(mumbling continues)" " You must have imagined it, Bridget." " l tell you, Frank, there's suddenly something rather menacing about the working class." "You're imagining it, my darling." "Let's just stay calm, get to the car." "(man) Hello, love." "All right?" "Do you think they're going to hurt us?" "Frank, they frighten me so, the way they stare." "We'll be all right once we're in the car." " Hello, love." "All right?" " l'll have some HP on that." "Come on, you Spurs!" "(Frank) Look straight ahead." "Don't give them any money." "(man) Come on, you Spurs." "(director) This will need some music." "(editor) Yeah, I hooked out a track earlier, actually. I think you'll like this." "(# "Animal Magic" theme)" "What do you think?" "I don't know." "Does it go with the mood of the piece?" "OK, I've got another one." "I really like this one." "(# "Down the Dustpipe" by Status Quo)" " l think that really works." " lt's better. I'm still not convinced, though." "Right." "Well... I bet you thought of something moodier for this scene, but maybe you think this isn't right because you just didn't have Status Quo in your mind when you imagined the scene." "Do you know what I mean?" "I think that works really well." "You're the governor, but... (director) Yeah, I like it." "Let's go with it." "(editor) OK." "What a fat-handed twat!" "(in French.:)" "Fucking potato!" "(in French.:)" "(# funky music)" "(# "Steptoe and Son" theme)" "(booing)" " What were you thinking for this?" " What, music-wise?" "How about "Rockin' All Over The World"?" " Studio?" " No, no, no." "Live version, much better." "Yeah, no, that's great, yeah." "(# Rocking All Over the World" by Status Quo)" "# Here we are and here we are and here we go" "# All aboard and we're hittin' the road" "# Here we go" "# Rockin' all over the world" "Oh, my God, my baby!" "My baby's falling!" "Someone help me!" "My baby!" "Thank you so much." " That was amazing." " Thank you." "You saved my baby." "Fat-handed twat!" "It was really very good of you to rescue that baby." " And I am delighted to give you this award." " Thank you very much, sir." "Now, I'm old now and my hands are very frail." " Could you possibly pin this on yourself?" " All right, sir." "(Duke laughs)" "(laughter increases)" "You fat-handed (bleep) twat!" "(thinks) Gosh, I knew he was famously indiscreet, but I mean, really." " ls that your card?" " lt is." "Yeah, show it to the camera." " Fantastic." "Amazing." " That's good." " Brilliant." " Thank you." " Hi, guys." "Can I show you something?" " (all) Yes." " Check my thumb." " Wow." " Hold my thumb" " OK." " Strong. is that strong?" " Yeah." "Hold my thumb." "OK, now watch." "(crowd) Ugh!" "(woman) Oh, my God!" "Yeah, he bit his own thumb off and he ate it." "And then it was there again." "He bit it off, and then it was there again." " (interviewer) How did he do that?" " l don't know." "He swallowed it." "I saw it go down." "Don't..." "(crowd) Ugh!" "Oh, it went up his nose!" "OK?" "It's a Ping-Pong ball." "Watch." "I felt sick." " A Ping-Pong ball came out of his mouth." " He's doing it again!" " Hi, Mike." " Hi, Rob." "Nick!" "Good to see you back." "How was your trip?" " Great, thanks." " Good." "This is Helen." "She'll be working with you from now on, so a lot less work for you." "Hello, Helen." "Nice to meet you." "I've got some really good news, actually." "Are you going to have an operation to fix your crossed eyes?" "No, I'm getting married." "(wind blowing)" "..after the execution of Charles the..." "Well, now come on." "I thought this was a mature class." "Oliver Cromwell effectively became the most powerful man in Britain." "I thought we were going to be responsible adults here." "That could quite easily hit me." "What was that, machine-gun fire?" " (all) Yes, sir." " (teacher) "Yes sir."" "It doesn't only display a lack of respect for me, it shows a lack of respect for yourselves." "I mean it!" "You're wasting my time and your time." "It's a wonder nobody got really badly hurt." "Now, parliament is the centre of government." "Oh, God!" "Detention." "(as Capt Willard) We travelled 200 miles upriver." "My mission was to terminate, with extreme prejudice, Colonel Kurt." "But if the generals back in Nha Trang could see what I saw, would they still want me to kill him?" "More than ever, probably." "I'd never seen a man so broken up, ripped apart." "(as Col Kurtz) I have seen horror." "Horror has a face and you must make a friend of horror." "Horror and moral terror are your friends." "If not, then they are enemies to be feared." "I remember when I was in the Special Forces." "It seems like a thousand centuries ago." "We went into a camp to inoculate some children." "And... do you know what we saw?" "We saw men going like this." "You see that?" "How am I doing it?" "Beats me." "What about this?" " Have you seen Christopher and Fiona?" " Actually, they're coming tonight." " How is Christopher?" " Oh, he's fine, much better." "Jeffrey saw him last week, said he was great." " (doorbell rings) - l'll go." " The place looks lovely, Sophie." " Thanks, Colin." "We've just had it done." "(Jeffrey) Welcome, come in." " Hello, everyone." " (all) Hello." "Here they are." "Can I take your coat, Christopher?" "Oh, no." "Well, thanks for having us." "We'd better be on our way." " Sorry it all ended in a fight." " That's OK, Chris." "Goodbye, you two." "Drive safely." "I thought you said he was better." "Be three days in Shropshire." "Ned Whelps will be directing, I'll be producing and Rachel here will be putting a budget together." " Remind me again what this is for." " Mini Wipes." "It's small tissues, use them in the kitchen." "It's a really basic shoot. I shouldn't think we'll run over more than 200,000." "Who's the production secretary?" "Er..." "I hadn't really thought about that." "Do you know Sarah?" "She's been doing quite a lot of work with me lately." "She's only 1 8, but she's very keen, and everybody really likes her." "Rob's going to be travelling up on Thursday with..." "About the production secretary again." "is it that important?" "She'll only be answering the phone." "I think it is important." "There's E-mails to be answered, tea to be got for people in the production office." "I've had an idea." "What would you think if I said..." "Tim Bishop?" "Tim Bishop?" "Wow." "Haven't heard his name mentioned for a while." "He's very, very good." "I think he went to Scotland when his father died." "Wasn't he working with Seb Hughes when Seb..." "Disappeared?" "Don't hold it against him." "A lot of people disappear." "I bet he's just up in Scotland, waiting for the phone to ring." "(doorbell rings)" " This frigging rain!" " Oh, come on, Rob. lt'll be worth it." " Yes?" " Hello. ls Tim Bishop in?" "Wait a moment." "I said wait a moment." " lt's pissing down!" " Come on, think about it." "Tim Bishop on the shoot." " He says he'll see you now." " Great." "Sir." "What do you want, Jameson?" "You fucking bastard." "The two men I told you about, sir." "Who the fuck are you?" "Tim, hi." "Nick Whittleby." "This is Rob Fisher-Geebes." "I met you last year." "You were the production secretary on the Andrex commercial." "Oh, yes." "The shit puppies." "Yes." "Um..." "There's a campaign coming up for..." " lt's Mini Wipes." " Mini Wipes." "We were wondering if you'd like to be production secretary. lt's next week." "You'd be doing the usual stuff - photocopying, taking E-mails, perhaps making a cup of tea for the people in the office." "Do you honestly think I want to go back to that?" "It's 80 quid for the weekend, Tim." "It looks like you could do with some new furniture." "Rob, I don't think Tim likes strangers being around." "Why don't you go and stand in the corner for a while." "Won't be a minute." "Thanks." "Come here." "(inaudible)" "Rob, Tim's had an idea." "Would you mind doing me a small favour?" "Favour?" "(Tim laughs)" "Just do me this favour and we will have Tim as our production secretary." "What the bloody hell is that?" "(Rob screams)" "Just relax, Rob." "That's right, relax." "Don't be a baby." "Keep still, it'll be easier." "Don't be a baby." "Great news, Rob." "Tim's on board." "Could you get me Bob Sampson's file, please?" "Thank you." "Sue, have you got Bob Sampson's file?" "I don't know where it is." "Oh, Rachel, a couple of E-mails." "Bobby Bush will call tomorrow and Sammy has booked The Grey Door for 7.30 on Friday." "That's fantastic." "Tim, any chance of a cup of tea?" "Sure, sure." "Milk and one sugar?" " Thanks, Tim." " OK." "Visiontext Subtitles:" "Julie Clayton" "Excuse me." "Have you heard of the Sumatran tiger?" " lt's that, is it?" " Yeah." "There's only 500 left." " lt looks really dangerous." " They are dangerous." "That's why we're trying to get rid of them, cos they're so dangerous." " l assumed you were going to save them." " God, no." "We're going to drown them." " Really?" " We'll get an abandoned reservoir, and then we're going to put them all in the reservoir, and then fill up the reservoir with water." " They look quite dangerous." " They are dangerous." "They shit everywhere, as well." "They're getting on everyone's tits." " So let's put a stop to it." " Fair enough." " Do you want to help?" " Yeah, what do I do?" " Sign the paper, that'd be great." " Yeah, no problem." "# Big Train" "# Big Train" "Halt!" "No, thank you." "Sod off." "Be on." "(highwayman) You bastards." "Excuse me." "Could you keep an eye on my baby for a second, while I run to the loo?" "Thanks ever so much." "Hello, baby." "(voice) What are you doing here all on your own?" "Haven't you got a wife?" "Did you say something?" "Were you talking to me?" "(voice) I'm going to get you." "Thank you so much." "That's really kind." "Thanks." "Bye." "(voice) I'm going to bite your legs." "Tosser." " (man) Hello." " Hello." "I'm Den Davis." "Come on, you (bleep)." "Zoom in another 20 per cent, I want to see those Victorian waifs." "They're going to be badly out of focus." "I can't zoom in any closer, Den." "Zoom in, (bleep)." " The camera won't take it." " Another 20 per cent." "Come on!" "All right, but it won't take it." " What the (bleep)?" " lt's snapped. lt couldn't take the strain." "You..." "You..." "Den, you're trying 1 00 per cent enlargement." "Nobody's gone beyond 70 before." "Don't (bleep) tell me what I can do with my (bleep) camera." "Den, you're working too hard." "This is the 56th job today." "Look at you." "You're popping pills like there's no tomorrow." "(Dyke) Ladies, leave us." "Now!" "You've got to get a grip, Den." "You and Ken Morse were at the top of the rostrum camera game, everyone knew that." "But you've fallen off the ladder." "It's not the Sixties any more." "Anybody who doesn't know a rostrum camera from a Sky Digibox knows who Ken Morse is." "You mention that (bleep) name again, and I'll put your head through the (bleep) wall." "People say you're losing it, Den." "That you're popping pills." "Drinking too much." "Your marriage is in trouble." "Don't (bleep) bring Margaret into this, all right?" "(Den) I asked you, where'd you put my (bleep) pills?" " Where'd you put 'em?" " (woman sobbing)" "Look what you've made me do." "You've gone from being Den Davis to Den Dildo." "Take a sabbatical." "(bleep) off, Greg." "My work's my life." "Do you see me lying on a beach somewhere getting a (bleep) suntan?" "They're saying the same at Channel 4." " (bleep) -a-doodle-doo. I'll go to itv." " You're living in the past, Den." "Those (bleep) haven't made a documentary since The World At War." "Take a break." "Come back in six months, you'll be a new man." "You (bleep) (bleep), Dyke." "What do you know about documentaries?" " Your background's in sport." " Now, Den, that's enough." " And lest we forget..." " Den." "Roland (bleep) Rat." "You (bleep) balding, bearded (bleep)." "No, Den." "Not the face." "Get out." "Get out of my office!" "You'll never work with the BBC again." "Never!" "Security." "Security, this is Greg Dyke, the head of the BBC." "Hurry!" "Do you want your photograph taken?" "Souvenir of your trip to London?" "Uh, yes." "You do?" "All right." "What you need to do is lie down flat and keep still under my rostrum camera." "Come on." "Come on, lay down." "One at a time, you stupid bitch." "Go on, lie down." "Get down under." "That's it, under." "That's it." "In the middle." "How can I do it if you're not in the middle?" "Now, let's get this down here..." "Keep still!" "Hang on, let's spin it round." "That on the right..." "What you doing?" "Keep still. I need you to..." "What you doing?" " We're going to drown them, actually." " Good luck." "Thank you." "Yeah, drown them." " Same with the Filipino tortoises." " Did you wipe them out?" " We bombed them." "Got a couple of F-1 1 s." " Well done." "You want money?" " lf you've got any change?" " Yeah." "We're hit." "Number two engine's on fire, Skip." " Shut it down, then." " Shutting down." "She's not responding." "We're losing fuel." "We'll never make it home." "Come on, man." "We're going to make it." " ls now a good time, sir?" " Oh, hello, Dobbsy." " Oh, is this little James?" " Yes, sir." "Just showing him where his dad works." " Hello, James." " (explosion)" "Have you ever been in a Lancaster before?" " Not one that's on a mission, sir." " We're gonna die!" "We're gonna die, aren't we, Skip?" "Aren't we?" "Put a lid on it, man." "Come on, don't be shy." "Have a look." "This might look like a lot of dials, but that's the fellow we keep our eye on." "The altimeter." " That's the one spinning round and round." " Oh, yes." "Bumpity-bump." "Usually that stays constant at about 1 0,000 feet." "We're losing her." "We're losing her." "I don't want to die." "Come on, man." "Pull yourself together." "Now, James." "Have you given any thought to what you might do when you leave school?" " We're going down." " This is exciting, isn't it, James?" "I'll say." "Right." "So, skipper and copilot have bought it." "We're on our own in occupied France." "So, who should we try to contact?" " The Resistance?" " That's right, James." "Hande hochl" "That means, "Hands up", James." "Schnell." "Schnelll" "That means, "Get a move on", James." " You all right?" " Yeah, I'll just put it under here." " Looks nasty." " Yeah." "You know me around blood." "Can you check if they've got a bandage in that first-aid thing over there?" "No, there's nothing there." "I'm going to leave you to it." "It's making me feel sick." "OK. I'll just dab it with a tissue, or something like that." "That's what it wants." " Cut your finger?" " Yeah." " You should put a bandage on that." " There's no bandages in the thing." "That should be enough." "Thank you." "You need some scissors to cut the thing." "There's no more bog roll." "Come on, David." "Finish your egg." "But it's too hard." "The soldiers won't go in." " Use your spoon, you silly sausage." " Who's a silly sausage?" "Telegram, darling." " Take your pick with these two." " What have I done?" "You haven't finished your kipper for a start, young lady." "John?" "What is it?" " What on earth's happened?" " Nothing." "Nothing." "It's about Billie, isn't it?" "Yes." "Yes, it is." ""Regret to inform you Billie no longer in top twenty." "Stop."" ""Billie archrival Christina Aguilera set at number one." "Stop."" "It's from the Billie Piper fan club." "David, take your sister into the garden." "Come along, Debs." "We can play on the swing." "Listen, John. lt still went top ten." "I know you had high hopes for the single..." "No." "Darling, I..." "I know what you're trying to do, but it's no use." "It's always the same." "They go in at number seven one week, they're out the next." "It was the same with Whigfield, Debbie Gibson." "Adam Rickitt." "One could go back as far as Brother Beyond and Big Fun." "It won't be long before the record company drops her." "Don't, darling." "Even if it is over for Billie, she's still married to Chris Evans." "She won't have to make hats like Sonia." "Oh, darling, don't you see?" "That's the worst of it." "She'll still be in the limelight, clinging to his arm at premieres and so on." "Creatively, she'll be finished." " lt's like Patsy Kensit all over again." " But even Patsy makes the occasional film." "Does she?" "Does she really?" "Look, darling." "Why don't you go and have a lie down?" "I'll call the bank and tell them you're not feeling too well." "You could always listen to Billie's first album." "Yes." "Yes, things always seem much brighter after you've heard..." "("Because We Want To" by Billie on record player)" "I'm so sorry, I'm afraid I don't speak French." "(dramatic music)" "(dramatic music)" " Oh, sorry." " Excuse me." "Hello." "Um, excuse me..." "He always ignores me." "Funny, these dos, aren't they?" "Yeah, they are a bit funny." "The people are nice, though." " Specially the ladies." " That's what..." "Jesus, these muppets aren't exactly on the ball with the drinks, are they?" " Hello, I'm..." " Did you hear that speech?" " He's..." "He's behind you." " What?" " He's behind you." " Don't care if he's behind me. lt was boring." "Yattering on and on." "At least when I make a speech, we get to the point." "Hey, stand up, speak up or shut up, hey?" " Hello." " Oh, hi." "I wondered if you'd like to join us." " Thanks." "Seem to get busier and busier." " l don't really know, I'm not..." " Excuse me, what were you saying?" " What was I saying?" "We were just talking about an orgy we might have later." "Wonder if you'd fancy joining in?" "I didn't know it was going to be one of those nights." "All right." "That'll be good then." "We've got the jacuzzi booked for 8.30, a little bit of sparkling..." "(dramatic music)" "(dramatic music)" " He's really got you." " What's it like?" " Looks like you." " Did you go to art school, Rob?" "No. I've always liked drawing, but, you know." " Right, it's finished." " Let's have a look." " lt's great." "Can I keep it?" " Yeah, sure." " Boss, boss, boss." " Morning, all." " Settling in, Rob?" "Everything all right?" " Yes." " Could you get me Brian Stafford?" " Yes." "Rob's a cartoonist." "He's done one of Jeremy." "(Jeremy) Yeah, look." "You should do one of Paul." " (Jeremy) Go on. lt won't take long." " All right." "But don't try and flatter me just cos l'm boss." "All right." "What's the secret, then, Rob?" "Um... well, you've just got to try and get the essence of the person." "Just as simply as possible." "That's sort of it." "(sobs)" "(child crying)" "All right, mate?" "Hey, hey, hey." "You OK?" "What's up, then?" "You lost your mum?" "Now, now!" "Hurry!" " Grab his arms." " Get his legs." "Take him to the caves." "Oh, my Christ, he's heavy." " Another one to our collection." " Yeah." " Oh, where am I?" " You awake?" " l'm Toby, and this is Tasha." " Hi." "That... that boy." "He trapped me." "In the park?" "Yeah, that's how we ended up here." "We've been here two years now." "Two years?" " We've got to get out of here." " Well, yeah, but how?" "They're kids." "We grab the one with the key and knock him about till he gives us it." " Hit a child?" " Yes." "Christ knows what they've done to my leg." "They've locked you up for years." " A kicking's in order." " You obviously haven't got kids." "(Tasha) I could never hit a child." "Sod this." " Toby, do something." " Want to see a porn mag?" " Yeah, brilliant." "Ow!" "You're hurting me." " Gimme that key." "Right." "You coming?" "We think you're setting an appalling example." " Oh, really?" "Well, sod you." " Where you going?" "I see we do not understand each other after all." "As a reprisal for this man's action, every tenth one of you will be taken out and shooted." "Actually, Josh, it's "taken out and shot"." "Don't correct him, Toby." "You'll stifle him." "(dramatic music)" "(boy) The police cause the riots." "They come here with their lights, get out the cars and start fighting." "(boy #2) lf they leave us alone, nothing will happen." "Just cos we, like, might dress a little bit, you know, brighter, doesn't mean that we're different to you, or anyone else." "If I want to go out and get a pint of milk, I should be allowed, without getting stopped." "It is prejudice, because they're different." "People are always going to have a go at them." "It's a very sad side of human nature." "They do get a lot of hate mail, and some of it is very unsavoury." "This came through the letterbox on Monday." "And as you can see, it's a postcard." "And originally it just says, "Come to the Tower of London"." "But somebody, and we think we know who, who'll remain nameless, has written "don't" underneath." "So that is, "Don't come to the Tower of London"." "I mean, it's filth." " Specially as..." " Who would do that?" "(vicar) I wouldn't use the S-word, but don't poo on your own doorstep." "You know, you've already pooed on your own doorstep, don't go and poo on other people's." " Death threats..." " "You'll be impaled on a spike."" " Yes." " Horrible." ""Mary, Queen of Scots, Anne Boleyn, you'll be next."" "That was written on a small axe and block that came through." "What they thought was a dead raven came through the letterbox." "It was actually a crow." "Some raven's muck, or crow's muck." "Some vegetarian burgers." "(dramatic music)" "Both fighters have been showing great form lately." "Obviously, we're delighted Oliver's come to Britain to fight." " Dave?" " Yeah." "I'd like to ask Jenny, do you feel you've been pushed into this fight?" "No, not really. I'm looking forward to the fight. I'm going to bash him up." "Could I add that this is entirely Jenny's own decision, and lots of little girls these days play football, so why not box?" " (Dave) I see." "Can I get a nose-to-nose?" " Sure, don't see why not." "Come on, Jenny." "You ain't gonna take me down." "(commentator) Martinez really seems to be feeling this." "He's taken several body blows..." "Martinez tiring now." "She's really hammering him." "He's on the ropes." "Surely this is it." "Martinez is down." "Martinez is down." "The winner of tonight's bout is Jenny." "OK, darling." "Let's get you bandaged up." "I really like Vegas, Mummy." "When I've won the world title..." "Now, listen, Jenny." "Pay attention." "Mummy and Daddy don't want you to try as hard tonight as you normally do." " But it's a title fight, Mummy." " l know that, Jenny." "It's just that..." "Some men have offered Mummy and Daddy lots of money." "To buy you presents." "But only if you're a very good girl." " And take a dive, in the seventh." " l don't want to." "Don't start with me. lt might work with your father, but it doesn't with me." "Take a dive, that's an end to it." " No." " Just do it, or I'll give you what for." "Just do as your mum says, Jen." "(commentator) Jenny powering in there with those trademark low blows." "Jenny!" "Oh, good gracious, she is down." "Unbelievable." "Where did that come from?" "That's incredible." "And so, ladies and gentlemen, that's the true story of why I never became world champ." "After all, I didn't want Mummy and Daddy to be beaten to death with baseball bats, did I?" "And now, the moment you've all been waiting for." "The strippers." " Nice set, Jenny." " Yeah, yeah." "Whatever." "(woman) Oh, come in, come in." "I'm so glad you could make it." "Have a seat." "This is Fiona, Chris, Derek, and you know Nick." "(man) We met at Tom's." "I saw you recently." "I hope you weren't trying to avoid me cos you couldn't remember my name." "(dramatic music)" "(dramatic music)" " l'm Colin, by the way." " Of course, Colin." "Yes." "Hi again." "Visiontext Subtitles:" "Paul Burns" "(mystical music)" "And so, it may appear that the course of everyday events is random and without design," "but it is not so." "Every experience we have, everything that happens to us," " has purpose and meaning." " (creaking)" "# Big Train" "# Big Train" "# ..by the hand and lead you through the streets of London # l'll show you something" "# To make you change your mind" "Thank you." "Thank you very much." "Thank you." "Thank you very much." "Thank you." "OK. I'd like to, uh..." "I'd like to try a new song now." "(glass smashes)" " What's he doing?" " No idea." " This one is one that I..." " "Streets of London"!" " l've just done that." "This is a new song..." " (man) "Streets of London"!" "No, I've just done that one." "Just finished doing it." " This is a new song, which I'm sure..." " "Streets of London"!" " ..you'll all enjoy." "This one's called..." " "Streets of London"." " What are you doing?" " This song's called "The Highwayman"." " (man) What?" " (guitar begins)" "# A highwayman came a-calling" " What is this?" "!" " # Came a-callin' at my door" " # Saw my rags - "Streets of London"!" "# Saw that we were poor..." ""Streets of London"!" " No!" " No. "Streets of London"." "# That wicked highwayman" " "Streets of London"." " Stop it!" " (abrupt song change) - # How can you tell me you're lonely" "(singing drowned out by cheers and whistles)" "Course I miss her." "I miss her every single day." "Um..." "But when I think of the way that, uh, Jerry lost his wife..." "You know, the way she died..." "It was just so sudden." "And..." "Just horrible, you know?" "(sniffs)" "Just coming to this group has really... (party music)" "(music cuts out)" "When my sister... my twin sister um... was killed, it was just the sort of guilt, I think, of feeling like it should... (party music)" "(music cuts out)" "Ho-ho-ho-ho!" "Look at that!" "Find of the day." "Oh, my goodness." "Where's the brush?" "I'm gonna take this out really gently, but it's very intact." "Look at that." "Look at that." "Hello." "That's Roman, probably second century AD." "This is something that probably belonged to a noblewoman, probably a general's wife or..." "That's mine." "It's mine. I dropped that one earlier." " lt's yours?" "But it was under..." " Yeah." "No, it's definitely mine, because of the snake... snake thing." "Can I have it?" " Right, yeah." "Sorry, I didn't realise..." " lt is mine." "Just get on with your digging." " Detectotronic's functional." " Biomechanical system's working perfectly." "OK." " Time to wake up, Jon." " Yes." "Wake up." " You're the future of law enforcement." " (woozily) Wh... what's going on?" "You've been chosen, Jon." "You are the future of law enforcement." "(slurred) You've... you've put me in a cardboard box?" "Yes. lt's fantastic, isn't it?" "Why... why have you put me in a cardboard box?" "Don't get upset, Jon." "You'll blow all your electric neurotransmitters." " What am I supposed to do?" " Get out there." "Get out there and enforce the law, FutureCop." "Can you help me up?" "(dramatic music)" " Nice work, Doug." " Yes." "Brilliant." " (man) Quick, run!" " (sirens)" "(police radio)" " We need backup!" " (noise and confusion)" " ls your man ready?" " Just you watch, Chief." "Just you watch." "(officer) I hope he's good." "(gunfire)" "(comedy bassoon music)" "This is the strongest there is." "It does paper and wood." "Metal." "It's completely waterproof and it's basically top of the product range in this area." "(Dutch accent) I was told you had something... a little stronger." "Sorry?" "I was told you had something a little... (whispers) stronger." "No." "No, this is the strongest." "You know what I mean." "I don't know what you mean." "Honestly, this is the strongest glue on the market." "Come on." "You know what I'm talking about." "(nervously) I don't know what you're talking about." "(mutters) I'll go and see the manager..." " You the fella wanting extra-strong glue?" " That's right, yes." "As young Harvey told you, this is the strongest on the market." "You won't find any elsewhere." "Come on." "I'm telling you, there's nowt stronger than that." "Come on." "Come with me." "Sit yourself down." "(manager exhales) I hope you know what you're getting yourself into." " Can I ask who told you about us?" " You don't need to know." " Was it John King?" " Former manager of Tranmere Rovers?" " Yes." " No." "Right then." "(Dutch man) At last." "Sticko-Extra." "I never thought that I would see this." "Listen, uh, you don't have to answer this, but... will you be using it on animals or people?" "(gasps)" " Dr Offenbach?" " l am his nephew." "Pleasure to meet you, sir." "(laughter and noise)" "(silence)" "Uh, pint of lager, please." "(woman) Right, very good." "(children) Yes!" "OK." "Whose go is it?" "Right." "You do that one, Bobby." " Yeah!" " Hiya." "(crowd roars)" "(cheering suddenly stops)" "(silence)" "What about Tuesday?" "No." "Can't." "There's been a terrible outbreak of cholera in Delhi." "I'd better get along, check it out." " What about Wednesday then?" " Um..." "No, Wednesday is the flood in Bangladesh." " Oh, that's a disaster." " Thursday?" "Um, no, no. I'm doing a malaria thing for Comic Relief." "To tell you the truth, I think next week is out entirely." "I mean, I really like the sound of paintballing..." "Uh..." "Maybe... at the end of the month, when I come back from Rome." "Hm?" "(man #2) Yeah, OK." "Don't stay in the sun too long, you might shrivel up." " (laughs) I'm shrivelled up already." " l mean even more than you are already." "I'll just write a few things in my Filofax and I'll be in right away." " All right." "Bye." "See you later." " All right." "Now, let's see..." "Oh, my God." "Rick." "Rick!" " What is it?" " She's totally shrivelled up." "My God!" "(squeaky voice) Don't worry, boys." "Calm down, this has happened before." "Just put me in water." "It's no problem." "I've just absorbed too much water." "I'll just stay out here in the sun." "I'll be fine." "(shouts in foreign language)" "(voiceover) How would you deal with this situation?" "He's confused, afraid." "Sometimes desperate people can do desperate things." "Some tourists don't even speak English." "Does he want to visit the Crown Jewels or buy a postcard from the shop?" "Maybe he wants to know why there aren't any ravens today." "What would you do?" "Well done." "He just wanted to use the toilet." "The Beefeaters." "Have you got what it takes?" "There we go." "Look at that." "Hello, soldier." "That's a centurion's helmet." "About 800 years ago that guy..." " Did you find that tucked into the soil there?" " lt was there." " Because I think that might be my helmet." " But it was buried." "I can tell, if I can get my arm around it like..." "Yes." "You see?" "What I would normally do is I would wear it like that" " and the snake would go..." " Go on the back." "It does..." "It looks..." "It does suit you." "Anyway, it was buried, so it must've got covered up." "What I'll do is remove the topsoil here." "Get in the digger and start a new grid." " That's my digger." " lt's what?" "That's my digger." "If you could do digging down here." " That's your digger?" " lt's mine, yes." "All I can say is we're looking forward to you working with us." "It was an excellent interview and you've got a very impressive CV." "We had no choice, to tell the truth." "I'm thrilled." "When I saw the job three years ago I was gutted because I'd taken the position in Dubai." " Well, it's all worked out." " Can I just say thank you so much." " l suppose we should mention the..." " The strings, yeah?" "Shouldn't be a problem, we can work round them." "You mustn't be embarrassed to mention the strings." " ls it all right if we...?" " No, go ahead." "Oh." " That's very interesting, isn't it?" " Of course." "I suppose they're the Thunderbird type strings, are they?" "Basically, yes - but I'm not a puppet." "Oh, about my pension plan... I hope there aren't any strings attached." "Sorry to bring it up again." "Are they very restricting?" "I have trouble with doorways and have to be disassembled to go from one room to the next." "That's why I arrived in a box and you had to put me together." "I wondered what that was about when you came in." "Well, Colin, we'll see you next week." "And great to have you onboard." "Oh, I meant to ask, is that your convertible out there?" " Open top?" "I have trouble with the..." " Of course, yeah." "And what about the old how's-yer-father?" "What about sex?" "Prefer it on top." "Well, we say if you're talented, that's all that counts. lt's enough for us." "(knock)" "There's Jenny." "She's a glove puppet." "You'll be working closely with her... (Jenny) Hello." " .. in very much a hands-on fashion." " More like hands-in fashion." "Yes. lt's really very nice." "The material on the dress is in very good condition, as is the hair." "Some lovely lacework here." "How long have you had it?" "I've had it about 60 years." "Since I was a little girl." "That long?" "Really?" "Well, I know it's rather impolite to ask a lady her age, but how old are you?" " l'm 67." " Gosh." "Really?" "That's amazing." "I thought you were in your late twenties." "Such a pretty little thing." "So, value." " How much do you think it's worth?" " Well, I really don't know." "Well, I would say this is probably worth around... ten million pounds." "Really?" "I had no idea." "It's good, isn't it?" "Would you, uh..." "Would you mind if I...?" "Gerald." "Come on." "Back to the antiques." " Where you going?" " Camden." " Camden, 1 5 pounds." "Dave?" " Yeah?" " Can you take these two to Camden?" " Sure." "See you later." "Follow me." "(they chat)" "Anywhere on the left here is great." "How much is that?" " 1 5 quid please." " Okey-dokey. 1 5, 1 7, thanks a lot." "Thanks very much, mate." "Have a good night." "Hello." "My name is Dominic Flasks." "I work in a zoo, and this is what I do." "(soft rock music)" "I think he's very good." "Very confident with the animals." "He's got a very good look, very distinct." "Hm." "You don't think he's perhaps too obvious a choice?" "No, I don't." "We should get him in for a chat." "My name is Dominic Flasks." "You've seen what I can do - now let me do it for you." " Thanks for coming in, Dominic." " Right." " Do you mind if we tape this?" " No." "Not at all." "Great." "So, what have you been up to lately?" "I've been doing a lot of zookeeping, in Bristol, mainly." "I'm really enjoying looking after sea lions." "Well, you know..." "I enjoy looking after all the animals. I like 'em all." "OK." "That sounds great." "One thing we noticed from your showreel was your hat that said "Zookeeper"." "Yeah." "Actually, that one belonged to Bristol Zoo." "Oh, so you haven't got your own hat?" "Yeah. I got a hat." "Sorry, I didn't know I had to bring it in." "No, it's all right, it's all right." "Sorry to ask, it's just the way the industry's going." " But I have got one." " Right." "OK." "Shall we try one?" "Yeah." " Anything you want me to particularly do?" " Just have fun with it." "Right." "These beautiful, flowing classical lines, very typical of this particular type of Art-Deco figurine." " Now, have you any others like this?" " No." "That's the only one." "Hm." "Because it's common for these to be part of a set." "But it's really rather beautiful." "Now, have you any idea how much it's worth?" "I did have it valued about ten years ago." "And I was told it was worth about a hundred pounds." "Mm." "Well, these pieces have become very popular in recent years." "And I would say this particular piece should be insured for no less than... 50 million pounds." "Good gosh." "Oh." "Really?" "That's quite a lot." "You know we're gonna go to bed together, don't you?" "I know it and I think you know it too." " Neither of us can fight it." " Gerald." "Come on." "Back to the antiques." "(# "Here We Go Round The Mulberry Bush" on xylophone)" " How are you today, Billy?" " l'm very well, Betty. lsn't it a beautiful day?" "I'll just stop you there." " The text is probably..." "It needs..." " (man) What, you think it's a bit basic?" "It's too basic, I think." "I know what he's getting at, but... I have a problem with Alan's position. I need to exit cleanly when Auntie Mabel arrives." " Yeah. lt's a bit of a problem for me too." " We'll worry about the text for the moment." "I'd like you, Philippa, at "lt's a beautiful day", blah, blah, blah, could you take your shoes off?" "I may have a problem with that, because, well..." " Well... but can you try it?" " (she struggles)" "( Alan) I've got a problem..." "Yeah, I've got the same problem taking off my trousers in scene six." "No, it's not gonna work, is it?" "Let's just..." "let's look at the script." "(both struggle, Alan tuts)" "No." "This is..." "No, th-that's mine." "Come on." "Where is she?" "We'll miss the start of the show." "She's hasn't been here before. lt's probably taking her time finding the house." " (doorbell)" " Oh, great." "That's her." "(# Tchaikovsky's "The Nutcracker"plays)" "Hi." "Come in." " Jo, hi." " Sorry I'm late. I couldn't find the address." "We're running a bit late too, so we'll head straight off." "This is Dame Margot Fonteyn." "If you could just give her a cup of cocoa about eight and then send her to bed about nine." "is there anything else she needs to know?" "She's a very elegant lady, so try not to swear in front of her or be coarse in any way." "I was expecting... a child?" "Dame Margot isn't a child." " She's the first lady of British ballet." " Right." "Better get a move on." "OK." "Back around ten." "Thanks." "Thank you." "Oh, shit." "My husband, who knows a bit more than me about these things, thinks it might be worth about 200 pounds." "Well, I think it's worth a bit more than that." "Now, I would say that this particular piece, at today's prices, would fetch on the market somewhere in the region of... 1 5 billion pounds." "That's a lot more than I'd thought." " Surprised?" " Oh, yes, very surprised." "Would you mind if I... just...?" "Yes." "You're very beautiful without your glasses." "I... just..." "Gerald, get your hands off the tits." "You know that's not allowed." "For goodness sake." "(voiceover) You don't feel older, but those grey hairs tell a different story." "Well, it's too late for you, but maybe it's not too late for your kids." "Exla 2000 is a revolutionary new beard dye that starts to work before it's needed." "Simply inject it into your son's face and get on with your life." "40 years later the pain has faded, but just look at that beard." "But how does it work?" "After Exla 2000 is applied, it combines with your son's beard at a molecular level." "When it appears, it's already been treated." "It's like having a personal beard-care expert in your chin." "Exla 2000." "Natural beard colour for the next generation." "Available in silk or matte finish." "Also available in Future Blonde." " Don't eat all the Twiglets." " l can't help it." " You have put the potatoes on?" "Sure?" " (doorbell)" "Oh, that'll be them." " Hello!" " (woman #2) Sorry!" "Hi!" " Go through. I was getting nervous!" " l know." "A lot of traffic." " Bit of a long drive." "Sorry we're so late." " Oh, dear." "Come in." " Hello, Bill." " Hi." " Good to see you." "Do you mind if I...?" " No." "Straight through." " You sure you don't mind?" " No, not at all." "Four hours in the car." "Not surprised he's dying for it." "Actually, I would love one of those." "Do you mind if I..." "Shall I help myself?" " You stay there. I'll get you one of those." " Oh, thanks, Bill." "There you are, one sherry for you." "That's mine." " Oh, dear, goodness me." " Phew!" "Wow." "Thank you." "Cheers, Bill, that is so sweet of you." "I don't think I know anyone that would have let their friend have sex with their wife just cos they were a bit desperate." "I would have done it with Sarah, but I thought, cos l'm here... why not do it with Emma?" "Um, I thought... (stammers) To be honest, I thought you meant you just wanted to go to the toilet." "I... I did mean that I wanted to go to the toilet, but I wanted to have sex more than that, you know?" "So, I thought you..." "What did you think I meant?" "Well, I presumed you meant you wanted to have sex." "That's why I had sex with you." "I presumed you meant sex." " Ooh." " (embarrassed laughter) lf it makes you feel any better, then have sex with Sarah." "Um..." " How do you feel about that, Sarah?" " Yeah." "Not a problem." "No..." "No, I don't think..." "No." "Well, this is a bit awkward, isn't it?" "Maybe we should go." "No." "You know..." "No." "I'm just a bit... bit surprised." "Look, I know." "Why don't you have sex with all three of us?" " Yeah." " Yeah." "Well, no, then that would be an orgy and I'm really..." "To be honest, I was just looking forward to a nice quiet dinner." "It wouldn't be an orgy because we'd have sex with each other in turn, it wouldn't be like we were all having sex at the same time." "Daniel's being really generous." "He's not even gay and he's offering to have sex with you." "It doesn't bother me." "It doesn't bother me at all." "What do you say?" "Well, I..." "Well, maybe." "As long as I get a blow job." "(Emma clears her throat)" "(sighs) I think we're gonna go." "I'm sorry." " l'm sorry." " No, I'm sorry." "But, you know..." " (Emma) I'll speak to you in the morning?" " Yeah. lt's not your fault." "I know. I'm sorry." " Bye." " l'm shocked." "Visiontext Subtitles:" "Katherine Appleby"