"Previously on What Would Sal Do... (MOANING)" "You fucked my husband in my bed." "(HORN HONKING)" " It wasn't like that." " How was it, then?" " You got a girlfriend, Sal?" " No." " There's this one girl, though, but..." " But nothing." "Love's the only thing that matters, Sal." " Sal..." "Sal..." " You're the one that said that..." " (GLASS SHATTERING)" " Oh, shit." "Hey." "WOMAN:" "Stop it!" "Don't..." "Stop it!" "SAL:" "Let's go, Vince." "The test came back from your mammogram, and we found a lump on your right breast." " A lump?" "Holy shit." " Try not to..." "Worry." "This entire institution was built on miracles." "No!" "It was built on fucking money!" "And until you get that through your thick, fucking head, you will never be a Bishop!" "Mmm." "(YAWNING)" "Oh, fuck." "Mornin', buddy." "(YAWNING) Fuck." "Asian..." "Pregnant..." "MILFs." "FEMALE VOICE: (FROM COMPUTER) Next, raise your arms high overhead." "Look for any changes in the contour, any swelling, dimpling of the skin, or changes in nipples." "A lump can sometimes even be found in the armpit." "Take your time." "FEMALE VOICE: (FROM PHONE) Oh!" "Grab my juicy tits." "I wanna grab those juicy tits, you fuckin' MILF." "(MOANING) Put your hands on them." "Oh, yeah!" "(MOANING)" "Oh!" "Oh, yeah." "Just like that, baby." "Oh, keep going, yeah." "Fuck." "(SIGHS)" "Are you more sensitive in certain areas?" "(MUFFLED VOICE FROM COMPUTER)" "Next, use your fingers" " to gently massage..." " Ma?" "...areas of the breast." "(STAMMERING) What do you want?" "Nothing, what are you doing in there?" "Do you need the bathroom?" "No." "(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)" "Subtitle by peritta" "Every one of us is responsible for the life that God has given us." "And because it is God who is the sovereign master of life, we are obliged to preserve life..." "Any idea how he'll navigate the suicide issue?" "What issue?" "That suicide's the ultimate sin and he's going to hell?" " How do you not know this?" " I know this." "Watch." "Every one among us is responsible for the life that God has given us." "(SNAPPING FINGERS)" " We are obliged to protect life." " (WHISTLES)" "We are stewards..." " Hey, Father Luke!" " (CLEARS THROAT)" "Father Luke." " We..." " Hey, Father Luke." " (WHISTLES)" " We..." "Hey, hey, Father Luke." "Ahem." "Okay, well, it looks like we have a question from the audience." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "(IMITATES VOCAL EXERCISES)" "Okay, uh, you know how the bible says, thou shalt not self-suicide yourself or you'll go to hell?" "Well, what kind of half-stacked logic is that?" "I mean, that's like going to jail for stealing your own car, no?" " (CHUCKLES)" " Any other questions?" "Yeah, is Harold going to heaven or not?" "We can discuss this later." "Okay, look." "If everything is according to God's plan, that means God planned for Harold to blow his skull apart." "Which means, God should go to hell, no?" "It's a little more complicated than that." "Okay, well, I'm gonna make it simple." "Harold was a nice guy." "I know because you don't meet too many of them" "And when you do, they stand out." "So if anyone's going to heaven it's that beautiful son of a bitch in there." "Fuckin' amen." "I took a course in public speaking." "FATHER LUKE:" "First of all, funerals are not town hall meetings." "We do not take questions." "And, if there's anyone that can save his spirit, it's you, through prayer." "It's one of your powers." "You know what I'm going to do instead, Father?" "I'm just gonna honor Harold by following his example" " and listening to some of the amazing..." " Hmm." " ...advice he gave me." " Ah!" "What about my advice?" "You never take that." "When have you ever given me advice?" "Oh, here's a little bit of advice." "Don't be such a shit!" "(CLEARS THROAT)" " Whoa." " Okay," "I'm going to collect the fee for the service, I'll be right back." "You should give them a discount, 'cause that was a fuckin' circus, Father." "Oh, gee." "What advice did he give you?" "Oh, I already forgot." "I barely listen when that nerd talks." "No, no, uncle Harold?" "Oh, Harold?" "Yeah, he told me if there was someone I cared about, that I should go after her." " Nicole." " Yeah." "Yeah, I'm gonna honor Harold by finding a way to make her the girl on the end of my dink for the rest of my life." "Easy." "Now that Daryl's cheating on her..." "Daryl's what now?" "Oh, shit!" "I didn't even tell you." "What?" "Didn't tell me what, Chooch?" "(SIGHS)" "At the bar, before the fight happened," "I saw him with a girl." "You..." "You saw Daryl, douche bag Daryl, at that bar?" "Yes." "Why didn't you tell me this?" "Well, I tried, but then the fight happened, and it just got crazy." "Oh, great, so we saved Harold from getting punched in the face long enough for him to shoot himself in the face." "Chooch, you gotta tell me this stuff and then I'll decide what we do with the information." " I goofed that one." " You goofed it." " You goofed it." " I goofed it." "I just can't believe Daryl was cheating on Nicole in the same bar that we were in with Harold when he told me that I should get with Nicole." "That's a sign." "She moved in with that half-stack." "You know where he lives?" "No." "But I know someone who does." "Sal, what do you want?" "See how my old pal's doing." " How are you doing?" " How am I?" "Well, I don't know, Sal, let's see, my hair's amazing, my teeth are geometrically perfect and it's a God damn honor to look at myself in the mirror." "So, I don't know, what the fuck do you want?" "Also looking for an update on my case." " Your case?" " Yeah." " Yeah." " Yeah." "Okay, well, your case is relatively simple." "What's going to happen is you're going to pay a fine." "And then you will likely be caught with your dick in another whore's hand by the end of the month." "You know Nicole and I are together, right?" "Yeah, she might have mentioned something in passing." "Oh, yeah, in passing?" " Yeah, maybe." " Well, it's going really great." " Hmm." " Like, really perverted great." " Hmm." " Yeah." "And, oh, God, what a treat it is to have your balls emptied by a pro every single night." "(GROANING)" "Look at us, eh?" "Just like high school." "Just like old times." "You and me here." "What the fuck do you want?" "To send you chocolates." "Chocolates?" "Yeah, I was thinking about sending chocolates to your home." "As, like, a thank you gift." "It's kind of a personal thing, so I don't want to send them to the office, so..." "If I could get your home address..." " Chocolates?" " Yeah." "No, and what you really want is you want to tell Nicole that you saw me making out with that girl at the bar." "Am I right?" "That's why you're here, right?" "You want to tell Nicole." "You're God damn right." "You slimy piece of shit." "She fuckin' deserves to know." "Okay." "Okay, what?" "This is my number" " and my home address." " (CHUCKLING)" "Yep." "Tell her everything." " Well, I'll fuckin' do it." " No, I know." " Yeah." "Okay." " I know you will." "But who the fuck do you think she's going to believe?" "The high school dropout who still lives at home with mommy." "That's you." "The idiot who's literally done nothing in his life or the ridiculously hot lawyer who would fuck himself if it were medically possible, who's currently putting her through school and got her out of jerking off idiots like you?" "I don't know." "Well, we like to say we've got a 50-50 shot." "Get the fuck outta here." "No problem, I got what I came for, you fuckin' douche." "Is that a house or a building?" "Oh, my mistake, it's actually... (TALKING OVER EACH OTHER)" "No, I'm so sorry, yeah, it's uh..." "Before the elevator, you're gonna love it." " Fuckin' gook..." " They play great music in the elevator." "Sex with Joe, what were you thinking?" "Thinking?" "(CHUCKLES) I could barely see straight." "Well, you don't sound very remorseful." "Of course I am." "Doesn't mean it didn't feel amazing." "Well, this is a disaster, Maria." "How does that feel?" "I was just trying to make things right." "Well, wonderful job, Maria." "Everything that we've worked for for 30 years, done." "Out the window." "Well, I guess we can say goodbye to anybody thinking he's the Second Coming." "And as for Bishop..." "Oh, that's your real problem, isn't it?" "No, real problem is your penance." "Why don't you take your penance and shove it?" "Maria!" "Maria!" "What has gotten into you?" "(BREATHING HEAVILY)" "I'm sorry, I'm just..." "I'm scared." "They found a lump on my breast." "Hey." " Sal, Sal, Sal." " What?" "What?" " Are you good to get home on your own?" " No." "Well, what do you want me to do, just wait here?" "Yeah, fuckin' wait here." "It's not like you have anything else going on, Vince." "Have you told Sal yet?" "I haven't been able to." "And I don't want to pull focus from his purpose." " He's doing so well." " (SIGHS) I know." "Wait a second." "This might be exactly what Sal needs to focus on." " What do you mean?" " This is the chance for Sal to perform the miracle of miracles." "That is a blessed lump." "It's a sign." "I think you should call Sal." "(PHONE RINGING)" " NICOLE:" "Hello?" " Hello." " What the hell?" " Hey." "What the hell are you doing here?" "Sorry, just..." "I know it's weird..." "How did you find me?" "How did you get up here?" "Just let me talk to you for one second, please." "I saw Daryl at a bar, making out with this chick that was not you." "You broke in here because you're jealous of Daryl?" "Look, if anything, Daryl, that dude should be jealous of me." " (LAUGHING)" " Why are you laughing?" "All right, okay, this I want to hear." "What are you..." "All right, fine." "Uh..." "Cool." "Yeah, okay." "'Cause I fuckin'..." "I want you to hear this, right." "Um..." "So recently," " my Ma told me..." " Oh, my God, your Ma?" "Why are you giving me a hard time?" "I said two words." "You said you wanted to hear my story." "You gonna listen?" "I'm sorry, go ahead." "Okay, recently, my Ma told me that when she was pregnant with me," "she was still a virgin, which makes me the Second Coming." " Of what?" " Of what?" "Of Christ." "What?" "I know it sounds crazy." "I didn't believe it at first, but now I'm really starting to think it's true, you know?" "Look, I healed a blind man with my bare hands, okay?" "I brought a guy back to life who was almost dead choking on a mozzarella stick and I gave a baby a whole brand new better life." "Sal, listen to me." "I think your Ma has problems." "Don't say that." "Why would you say that?" "It's either that, or she's lying to you." "My mother has never lied to me." " Really?" " Really." "Did she tell you that there was a Santa Claus?" "Nope." "That's actually kind of heartbreaking." "It's not heartbreaking." "It's proof." "That my mother never lied to me, okay." "Why would she?" "Hmm?" "Because maybe a lie is easier than telling the truth." "What truth, hmm?" "She didn't exactly do a very good job with you, so." "That's bullshit." "You're talking bullshit." " Yeah?" " Yeah." "Bullshit." "A parent's number one job is to provide their children with the tools that they need to survive in this world." " I got survival tools." " Yeah?" "Look at you." "What'd your mom provide you with?" "You're 30 years old and you're rocking tear-away pants, you live at home with your mother and you have no job!" "And the one thing that your mother could give you is the belief that you're the Second fucking Coming?" "Come on, Sal!" "All right, you gotta go." "(STAMMERING) Look, look, you remember when you told me when I got you your old apartment back?" "You said that was a miracle." "That's just something that people say." "It's not just something that people say, it's real." "Look, I'm sorry." "You told me you wanna be with somebody who knows what they want." "Okay, I know what I want." "I wanna help people." "So that's why I'm here, telling you that Daryl's no good for you." "Well, then, who is?" "We both know that I am." "What are you doing?" "If you don't leave, I'm gonna call the cops." "(ELEVATOR BEEPING)" " Sal." " Fuck." "Fuck!" "Fuck!" "Fuck!" "Sal, are you okay?" " (HORN HONKING) - (TIRES SCREECHING)" "Fuck, Vince!" "Well, you got pretty lucky." "Good news is, nothing's broken." "Bad news is, one of your testicles got lodged inside your pelvis." "Couldn't save it." "Well, is that bad?" "Shouldn't affect your ability to have children in the future, if that's what you're concerned about." "Although, that said, there was some nerve damage, so you may never be able to achieve erection again." "So the point is moot." "It's moot?" "Now, you will need to spend the next few days in a wheelchair." "(CHUCKLES)" "That's..." "At least I've been saving up tabs from tin cans for years so I can make a wheelchair." "No, you can't trade in tabs for a wheelchair." "I get that a lot, you can't do it." "All right?" "You can." " Yeah." " All right." "Walk me through the process one step at a time." "You take the tabs, you collect them, turn them in, and you make a wheelchair." "Where?" "I don't actually know." "And why would anyone want to exchange their wheelchair for your tabs?" "'Cause you recycle them." "You recycle them, it's like a reward." "Aluminum is about 50 cents a pound, at most." "Basic wheelchair, $500." "You would need 1,000 pounds of tabs for this to even make sense as a transaction." "Okay..." "Can you even imagine what 1,000 pounds of tabs would look like?" "I don't know where this rumor started, but, uh, you ask a few questions, it falls apart pretty quickly." " I really believed that." " Yeah, don't feel bad, all right." "You'd be surprised at the type of things people believe around here." "I had a mother who thought her kid wouldn't get measles if she gave him vitamins." "You know, I mean, whatever gets you through, I guess." "Sometimes lies are easier than the truth." "Thanks a lot." "Wait, you're blaming me for this somehow?" "I wouldn't be in this situation if it wasn't for you!" "Forget it." " Vince..." "Vince." " I think that..." "I think you should just do this without me from now on." " Vince." "Vince, Come on." " No, no, no, you were right." "I don't have a lot of things going on in my life right now." "And..." "I think that needs to change." "(PHONE RINGING)" "Yeah, Ma." "(PIGEONS COOING)" "I can't... (STAMMERING)" "Could this day get any..." "Any worse?" "Let's just keep this in perspective, okay?" "Uh..." "It's just a lump." " It could be nothing." " Yeah, what if it is something?" "But there's no point in thinking that." "Sal." "On any given day, a million things can happen that never do." " You could get hit by a car." " Vince just got hit by a car." "I said you." "You could get hit." "There's no point in playing the "what if?" game." "Your mother's right." "Sal." "I think this is a test." "Maybe the test." "Test for what?" "Come on." "Sal, look at me." "You need to pray." "Now, more than ever." "MARIA:" "Will you do it, Sal?" "For me?" "(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)" "(SLURRING) Jessica, can I get another round, please?" "God bless you." "It's gonna be on me." "Make it two." "Ah, fuck!" "No, man." "Bro, I can't, okay?" " You can't what?" " I can't fight you tonight." "I can't do it." "I'll fight you another..." "I'll fight you tomorrow." " Sal..." "Hey, look..." " It's not gonna happen." "You already got her, okay, she's all yours." "Now fuckin' go." "I mean, don't be a dick." "Still paying for these shots, but then, go." "Here." "Why are you still here?" "You gotta go." "You're still here." "Why?" "You're supposed to fuckin' go now." "Remember?" "Because Nicole told me." "About the Second Coming thing." "Why would she..." "As if you need more reason to shit on me." "That's not why I'm here." "That's not why I'm here." " Of course it is." "That's why I'd be here." " Listen to me, Sal..." "I am here because I believe in you." "I do." "Please fuck off, Daryl." "I said please, so you gotta fuck off." "It's rude if you don't." "Okay, don't get ahead of yourself." "Obviously, when I first heard it" "I thought it was crazy." "But I've known you since high school, Sal." "You're not crazy." "Are you an asshole?" "Yes." "Did you ruin my childhood?" "Yes, you did." "But are you nuts?" "No." "Never." "Why you're you doing this, hmm?" "(EXHALES) Sal..." "I'm deeply religious." "I don't advertise because it's obviously bad for business, but it's true." "Nicole and I haven't even had sex yet." "What?" "No, no way, man." "Not until marriage." " You serious?" " As cancer." "Why would you say that?" "Cancer." "Why would you say that?" "I don't know, it just..." "Sorry." "Can I show you something?" "You know, with all the crap I deal with every day, it's like, if I didn't believe anything, I don't even think I'd survive." "But I do." "I believe in a Second Coming." "And I believe He's going to come here to challenge us." "And, like, not to appear in the clouds in the sky, with all the glory and honor and all that business." "No, I think that's way too easy." "I believe He's coming here to challenge our expectations of what we think He should look and act like." "He's going to challenge us to look past what we see on the outside and focus on who He really is." "Who He really is, here." "And I think that's how you're going to separate the true believers from the false professors." "The weed from the weeds." "I just don't know if I believe it at all anymore." "Come on." "Jesus had doubts." "What makes you think you're so different?" "I mean, the whole Second Coming thing though, man." "It's nuts, though, right?" "Yeah, and that's why I'm here." "Because I want to show you that it isn't." "How are you gonna do that?" "I want you to meet someone." "Who is this?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "He's a former client of mine." "Really good guy." "Heart of gold." "True gem of a man." "I'm the alpha and the omega." "DARYL:" "Yeah. (CHUCKLES)" "You know, the funny story, he thinks he's the Second Coming." "Oh, but wait a second, but you're the Second Coming, too." "Okay, now I'm just confused, guys." "I'm really sorry about this." "Oh, fuck!" "Isn't this a fine fuckin' mess we have here?" "Which one of you greasy pieces of shit is the real Jesus?" "(LAUGHING) Oh, my God." "This must be exactly what women feel like when they show up to a party wearing the same dress." "(IMITATING CONFUSION)" "It's all here." "You know what?" "And before I go, here's one thing." "This is a restraining order." "It's from Nicole." "I mean, she wanted 100 yards, but I kind of upsold her to three." "So, namaste, my friend." "I don't know what the fuck that means, 'cause I didn't read the God damn Bible!" "(ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING)" " FATHER LUKE:" "How'd it go?" " MARIA:" "Did you pray?" "No, I didn't." "But you know what?" "I uh..." "I met someone, though." " Oh." " Yeah." "The Second Coming of Jesus Christ." "The other one, though." "Yeah, apparently, this city's full of them." "Was he a homeless person?" "Because if he was, he was probably crazy." " Maria, that's not right." " No, it's exactly right, actually." "'Cause anyone who believes this shit is either crazy or a liar." "Oh, so which one am I then, Sal?" "I'm a crazy person, too?" "No." "So I'm a liar?" " Yep." " He doesn't mean that, Maria." "No, I mean that." "You've been lying to me my whole life, Ma." "Tellin' me I'm perfect when I'm not." "Tellin' me everything I do is great when it isn't, okay." "I'm not great, I'm not okay," " I'm a fuckin' piece of shit, Ma!" " Hey, hey." "Hey, why don't we all just take a minute, and calm down." "No, he's right." "I did lie." "You are not perfect, you're human." "But that's not how I raised you." "No, I didn't raise you at all." "I worshipped you, I put you on a pedestal," "I worshipped everything you did." "I wasn't a parent." "I was afraid." "What were you afraid of?" "I was a fuckin' kid." "I was afraid of everything." "I was afraid of failing you." "I was afraid of losing you." "I was afraid of disappointing you." "Disappointing me?" "I'm disappointing you and it's fuckin' killing me, okay?" "All because I'm not the Second Coming of Christ." "Come on, you said it yourself a second ago." " I never said that." " Yeah, you did." "You said I'm not perfect, and I'm human, right?" " That's right, and so was Jesus." " Come on!" "I still believe that you are the Second Coming." "And I know that you can prove it." "Look, Ma." "I am not going to pray to Him." "Okay?" "I'm not asking you to pray to Him." "Well, then, what do you want?" "Heal me." " With your hands." " Oh, my God." " Oh, that's a great idea!" " No, it's not!" " Touch your mother's breasts, Sal." " What are you talking about?" " Put your hands on me." " No." "(ALL ARGUING)" "Get the fuck off me." "Get the fuck off." "Fuck off, okay." "This is nuts!" "And I'm done, all right?" "I am fucking done." "(SIGHS)" "No way." "Subtitle by peritta"