"You don't live in an elevator." "You live in a house." "Now concentrate!" "411 East 74th Street." "I've gotta stop breathing so much." "I'm gonna use up all the air." "Keep talking, Oscar." "Keep talking." "That's not fair." "You should breathe some of the air." "I can breathe." "Now listen." "Where do you work?" "The Excelsior Life Insurance company. "Your life is our business." I'm an actuary." "What's an actuary?" "I fgure out premiums based on the probabilities." "Good, Oscar." "Now what's a probability?" "The odds." "The odds on what?" "Keep talking." "Suppose you wanted a policy." "Yes, I want a policy." "Go on." "It's my job to study your particular situation..." "Yes." "And then fgure out the odds... on your meeting with an unfortunate accident... like..." "like suffo... suff... suffocating in an elevator." "Oscar!" "Mr. Lindquist!" "Are you all right?" "Boy, this is really my lucky day." "Of all the millions of guys in town, I wind up with a candidate for the funny farm." "Not too bad-lookin' though." "For a fruitcake." "For a fruitcake." "# It's a nice face #" "#As faces go #" "# It's a very nice face #" "#With a place for every feature #" "# Every feature in its place #" "# Not a commonplace face #" "# His eyes #" "# Blue #" "# His chin's stubborn and strong #" "# His ears #" "#They're ordinary ears #" "# His nose #" "#A little long #" "# Still #" "# It's a gentle face #" "#A little square A little corny #" "# It's a sentimental face #" "# If he'd smile #" "# He'd look like so #" "#When he's mad #" "# He'd look like so #" "# So #" "# Don't make this a federal case #" "# It's just another pretty face #" "But you know:" "# It's a very, very #" "#Very nice #" "# Face ##" "Where am I?" "Do you remember where you were before?" "No." "Well, you're still there." "Oh, my God!" "Don't leave me!" "I won't leave you, Oscar." "I promise." "I'll stay right here in this elevator with you, and everything's gonna be just fne." "What happened?" "I think the lights went out." "Oh, boy!" "Help." "Help." "Help." "Help." "Help." "Help!" "Help!" "[Feebly] Help." "Help." "Help." "Oscar, Oscar!" "The lights are on." "Push the button." "Push the button!" "Yes." "Oh!" "It's moving." "It's moving!" "[Both Laughing] [Charity] Oh, it's moving!" "[Both Laughing]" "Well, of course, your big problem is panic." "Seventy-eight percent of your common household accidents... could be avoided by calm, clearheaded thinking." "Well." "See ya around." "Around." "[Car Horns Honking]" "Ah, miss?" "Miss, what, uh..." "Do..." "Do you suppose we could..." "Well, you know, uh, uh..." "Do you think that maybe that..." "That I don't suppose that we could..." "I know you're tryin' to ask me for somethin', but ya gotta give me a bigger hint." "Well, can I see ya this Sunday?" "Aren't ya late for work or somethin'?" "Well, I was supposed to go to, to group analysis, but I guess I missed it." "You gonna be all right?" "Oh, yes." "It was my last session this week anyway." "I'm fnished." "Good." "What was your problem?" "Well, one of my problems was that..." "I was painfully shy." "Oh." "And now you're cured?" "No, I..." "I never had the nerve to bring it up, so I quit." "I guess you're busy Sunday." "Look, can I ask you a personal question?" "You're not otherwise affliated, are ya?" "Like a wife?" "Oh, no!" "No, no, nothing like that." "Are you busy Sunday?" "No." "Oh, well, uh, where do you live?" "Maybe you prefer to meet me somewhere." "Are you familiar with that little bridge in Central Park?" "Yeah, well, maybe we better forget the whole thing." "Please, 2:00, Sunday?" "L-lf you're not there, I'll understand." "I'll be there anyway." "I've got nothing else to do." "[Thinking] I must be out of my head." "What am I doin' here?" "[Speaking] Mmm-uh." "Charity!" "[Chuckling]" "I'm glad you could make it." "I thought after what happened in the elevator you might think I was..." "Well, you know, some kind of a nut." "Oh!" "I almost forgot." "Here." "I grow them myself in my apartment." "Do you mind if we get off this bridge?" "Oh, sure, sure." "Listen, I've made all kinds of plans for today." "I thought maybe..." "[Thinking] Mmm-hmm." "Here it comes:" "The "I must have left my wallet in my other pants"routine." "Well, forget it, Charlie." "You ain't gettin' a nickel outta me." "Do you like modern art?" "I have several really fne reproductions at home." "Do you know where I'd like to take you now?" "[Thinking] Yeah, to your place, to look at your reproductions." "Boy, if Nickie and Helene could see me now." "Who are Nickie and Helene?" "Two of the girls I work with." "I've been so busy talking I haven't given you a chance to say anything." "Where do you work?" "Well..." "Nope, wait, let me guess, because usually I can just look... at a person and tell you right off what they do." "I'd say you defnitely work... in a bank." "Am I right?" "Did I get it?" "You got it." "Well, you see, it's, it's kind of a sixth sense." "Which bank?" "You familiar with Brooklyn?" "No." "It's in Brooklyn." "You want a stick of gum?" "No, thank you." "See, I, I..." "Working in a bank can be very dangerous, you know?" "In the greater New York area the odds are 1 in 75 that you will be held up... at least once in any 12-month period." "Listen, just livin' is dangerous, right?" "May I see you home?" "Where do you live in Brooklyn?" "Oh, it's..." "it's way far out." "And it's late." "You got to get up early." "I'll be okay." "Honest." "Uh, listen." "May I see you tomorrow?" "Maybe we could go to a movie." "Okay, but one with a happy ending." "I'm nuts about happy endings." "Good!" "I'll pick ya up at 5:00 in front of the bank, okay?" "[Train Rumbling]" "Suppose we, uh, meet..." "[Together] At the bridge." "Night." "Good night." "Oh, look, I want you to know I had a very nice time." "Being with you, I mean." "So did I, Oscar." "A very nice time." "I had a very nice time too." "Well." "Well." "You're a lovely girl, Charity." "Sweet Charity." "Gee, for a weirdo, he's very nice." "Oh!" "I just live around the corner." ""Sweet Charity."" "Sweet Charity?" "Hmm, Sweet Charity." "Hey, Nickie, Helene, guess what happened?" "Something every girl in the ballroom dreams about!" "You've been drafted!" "[Nickie Laughing]" "No, I met a man, a nice man." "Here it is, folks, the 11:00 news." "We listen to it every night." "Can you imagine, I spent the whole afternoon with him... and he never once tried any funny business, not once." "All he did was kiss my hand." "Hey, that's not makin' a pass, is it?" "Naw." "Is it, Helene?" "What?" "If a guy kisses your hand, would you classify that as a pass?" "Depends." "On what?" "On where your hand is when he kisses it." "Ha, ha!" "Hey, where was your hand?" "On the end of my arm!" "Okay, so besides slobbering all over your knuckles, what else does he do?" "He's a reactionary." "A what?" "He fgures out odds." "A horse player." "No!" "For an insurance company." "And he also grows flowers." "[Helene] Sounds like a goofball." "He is not a goofball." "What does the goofball think of your profession?" "[Helene] Have you told him you're in the rent-a-body business?" "Well, it just so happens he doesn't think anything of it." "[Together] She ain't told him." "He is very highly educated." "A little thing like that wouldn't bother him." "He already knows because I already told him." "You told him?" "Yep." " You mean you really told him?" " I told him!" "I told him!" " When?" " Tomorrow, that's when I told him." "[Barking]" "[Oscar Panting] Do you like peanuts?" "Yep." "For our anniversary." "Huh?" "It's exactly two weeks since we were trapped together between the ninth and tenth floor." "Boy, what a two weeks this has been too." "We've been to six movies, four museums, a lecture on air pollution and a pet show." "I'd like to do something different tonight." "You want to rob a supermarket?" "Would you like to go to church?" "To church?" "[Oscar] It's the Rhythm of Life Tabernacle." "It started out as a jazz group in San Francisco and turned into a religion." "[Tambourine Continues]" "[Tambourine Continues]" "[Tires Screeching]" "Hey, baby, like, let there be light." "Lights!" "Lights!" "Lights!" "Oh, yeah!" "Lights!" "[Man] Get it!" "Get it!" "Ow!" "[Man] Ow!" "[Together] Let there be light!" "Ow!" "And the title of the sermon tonight will be..." ""We Have Beat Our Swords Into Plowshares" and the beat goes on." "[Man] Swing it, Daddy!" "Oh, oh, oh, oh!" "# Daddy started out in San Francisco #" "#Tootin' on his trumpet loud and mean #" "# Suddenly a voice said Go forth, Daddy #" "# Spread the picture on a wider screen #" "#And the voice said Daddy, there's a million pigeons #" "#Waitin' to be hooked on new religions #" "# Hit the road, Daddy leave your common-law wife #" "# Spread the religion of the rhythm of life #" "#And the rhythm of life is a powerful beat #" "# Puts a tingle in your fngers and a tingle in your feet #" "# Rhythm in your bedroom rhythm in the street #" "#Yes, the rhythm of life is a powerful beat #" "#To feel the rhythm of life #" "#To feel the powerful beat #" "#To feel the tingle in your fngers #" "#To feel the tingle in your feet #" "# Daddy, go #" "# Go, go, go #" "#Tell them everything you know #" "# Daddy spread the gospel in Milwaukee #" "#Took his walkie-talkie to Rocky Ridge #" "# Blew his way to Canton then to Scranton #" "# 'Til he landed under the Manhattan Bridge #" "# Daddy was a new sensation got himself a congregation #" "# Built up quite an operation down below #" "#With the pie-eyed piper blowing while the muscatel was flowing #" "#All the cats were go-go-going # # Down below #" "# Daddy was a new sensation #" "# Got himself a congregation #" "# Built up quite an operation down below #" "With the pie-eyed piper blowing while the muscatel was flowing" "#All the cats were go-go-going down below #" "# Flip your wings and fly to Daddy #" "# Flip your wings and fly to Daddy #" "# Flip your wings and fly to Daddy #" "# Fly, fly fly to Daddy #" "#Take a dive and swim to Daddy #" "#Take a dive and swim to Daddy #" "#Take a dive and swim to Daddy #" "# Swim, swim swim to Daddy #" "# Hit the floor and crawl to Daddy #" "# Hit the floor and crawl to Daddy #" "# Hit the floor and crawl to Daddy #" "# Crawl, crawl crawl to Daddy #" "# Flip your wings # # Fly #" "# Flip your wings # # Fly #" "# Flip your wings # # Fly #" "# Flip, fly #" "# Flip, fly #" "# Flip, fly flip, fly #" "# Flip, fly, flip, fly flip, fly, flip, fly #" "#Take a dive #" "#Take a dive, swim #" "#Take a dive, swim #" "# Swim, yeah, swim #" "# Swim, swim #" "# Swim, swim, swim swim, swim #" "#To Daddy #" "Daddy?" "Yeah?" "Ah, Daddy?" "Uh-huh." "Oooh, Daddy!" "Hit the floor!" "Crawl to Daddy!" "Hit the floor!" "Crawl to Daddy!" "Hit the floor!" "Crawl to Daddy!" "Hit the floor and crawl to Daddy!" "[Daddy] Aaah!" "Crawl to Daddy!" "Crawl to Daddy!" "Crawl!" "Crawl!" "Crawl to Daddy!" "# Do, we, do, we do, we # ## [Scatting]" "# Do, we, do, we do, we # [Scatting Continues]" "## [Scatting Continues]" "# Do, we, do, we, do # ## [Scatting]" "# Do, we, do, we, do # Split it, split it, split it." "# Do, we, do, we, do # ## [Scatting]" "Do, we, do, we, do" "#And the rhythm of life is a powerful beat #" "# Puts a tingle in your fngers and a tingle in your feet #" "# Rhythm in your bedroom rhythm in the street #" "#Yes, the rhythm of life is a powerful beat #" "#To feel the rhythm of life #" "#To feel the powerful beat #" "#To feel the tingle in your fngers #" "#To feel the tingle in your feet #" "# Daddy, go #" "# Go, go, go #" "#Tell them everything you know #" "#To feel the rhythm of life #" "#To feel the powerful beat #" "#To feel the tingle in your fngers #" "#To feel the tingle in your... #" "# Flip your wings and fly to your daddy #" "#Take a dive and swim to your daddy #" "# Hit the floor and crawl to your daddy #" "# Daddy, we've got the rhythm of life #" " Oflife, oflife oflife" " Yeah!" " Let me hear it!" " Yeah!" " Sock it to me!" " Yeah!" " Let it all hang out!" " Yeah!" "## [Scatting]" "Gather round." "Yeah, this is where it's all happenin', babies." ""The Rhythm of Life," number seven in the top ten religions." "We're gonna climb to number one, Big Daddy." "I'm hip, baby." "But dig." "Time is runnin' out on that big L.P. Called life." "And the greatest disc jockey of them all is gonna come and take us by the hand... and lead us to the flip side of life called eternity." "Eternity!" "That big coffee break in the sky." "Yeah, but before we groove that fnal date... before we head for that last..." "## [Scatting] Eight bars, we gotta make our peace!" "Make it, Daddy." "Make it, Daddy." "Make it, Daddy." "You know I'm gonna make it!" "I want you cats to listen to everything I'm gonna lay on ya as of this point." "Number one!" "Thou shalt dig thy neighbor as thou wouldst have him dig thee." "Yeah, yeah, yeah!" "Number two!" "Thou shall not put down thy mamas and thy papas!" "No, no, no, no." "Number three!" "Thou shall not swing with another cat's chick." "No, no, no, no." "Number four!" "Thou shall not blow thy minds on school nights and national holidays." "They're a very devout group." "Where did you ever fnd them?" "I'm on a mailing list." "It's a Church of the Month club." "And last!" "Come here." "But not least." "Thou shall not indulge thyselves in the evil marijuana weed... commonly known as pot, grass, MaryJane..." "[Sniffng] Acapulco Gold, as it is sinful." "It is harmful!" "It's also very expensive!" "[Siren Wailing]" "So I suggest, if anybody's holdin', drop it before the fuzz arrives." "Love, babies." "[Together] Love, Daddy." "Yeah." "[Footsteps Departing]" "Are they gone?" "Hey, you're shaking." "I'm scared to death." "Don't..." "Don't..." "Don't worry." "I'm right here beside you." "So just relax and be scared all you want." "Thank you." "I will." "Hey, you know something?" "I don't mind being scared with you." "I mean, when you've got somebody you can depend on, that you know will be there all the time to take care of you, then you can afford to be scared." "I never had a somebody like that before." "I've never had anybody depend on me before." "[Door Closing] I think they're gone." "You know what I wish?" "I wish we could stay like this forever." "Oh, do you, Oscar?" "Y-You're the frst girl I ever met that I ever trusted... and believed in." "And my whole right side is going to sleep." "Wait." "I'll scrunch down." "[Grunting] How's that?" "Oh, Oscar," "I'm gonna tell you something about me I don't think you'll like." "Couldn't be anything about you I wouldn't like." "Remember I told you I worked in a bank?" "A bank in Brooklyn." "[Moaning]" "What about that bank in Brooklyn?" "We just raised our interest rates." "Mmm." "Hey!" "What's the matter?" "Did you hear what I said?" "I said I wish we could stay in here forever." "D-Did you hear me say that?" "Well, look where we are!" "In a small, tight place of the type I'm usually scared to death to be in, but I'm not." "I like it!" "I don't have claustrophobia anymore." "I'm cured!" "You cured me." "I did?" "How?" "I don't know, but it's gone!" "Ha, ha!" "For the frst time in my life." "It's gone!" "It's gone!" "It's gone!" "It's gone!" "Gone, gone, gone!" "Here was a man with no dream and no plan" "Then one lonely night I found Sweet Charity" "You make life fun for me" "Oh, what it's done for me" "Having you around Sweet Charity" "Warm words I've never said" "Lately pop off the top of my head" "It's incredible" "Suddenly I'm the guy I never dared to be" "Watch me touch the sky quite easily" "So if you are free Sweet Charity" "Please belong to me sweet, Sweet Charity" "Please belong to me" "Sweet Charity" "Sweet Charity please belong to me" "Sweet Charity please belong to me" "Sweet Charity please belong to me" "Sweet Charity please belong to me, please" "Please" "Charity, I'd just about given up ever fnding anybody like you." "I mean, the world's gone crazy." "Everything's all mixed up." "The old standards of decency and morality, they don't seem to mean anything anymore." "When I see the way the girls at the offce are passed around... and the jokes they tell about them," "I get sick, Charity." "Most people would laugh if I told them that." "I'm not laughing, Oscar." "From the moment we frst met, I knew you were different." "Like the way I knew you worked in a bank." "Oscar, listen, there's something..." "I knew you believed in the same things I did." "Things like," "[Lighter Opening, Lighting] Oh, innocence and..." "Try purity." "Does that sound corny?" "No." "Well, yeah, maybe it is." "B-But that's the way I always pictured it would be." "The way it had to be." "No one else seems to think those things are important anymore, but... that's why you're a very special person, Charity." "Charity?" "Charity?" "[Coins Clattering, Phone Bell Dinging]" "Do you wanna have fun" "Cowboy, I wanna tell ya something." "# Fun, fun, fun #" "A little secret between you and me." "# How's about a few #" "How about it, paisie?" "# Laughs, laughs #" "Mister, do you speak Spanish?" "# I can show you a #" "Good time" "Hey, what's the big idea?" "[Herman] Excuse me, Miss Valentine!" "Your escort shelled out 6.50 to dance with you, and I do not see you dancin'." "Who dances?" "You defend yourself to music!" "Now, Miss Valentine..." "You want to know somethin', Herman?" "I don't like it here anymore." "So I'm givin' you my two weeks notice as of two weeks ago." "This is not a nice place!" "Charity?" "Hey, Charity, listen..." "[Nickie] Hey, baby?" "Charity?" "Hey!" "I'm up here." "Boy, oh, boy, am I tired of that musical snake pit down there." "What's so bad about it?" "You dance a little, talk a little, roll your eyes a little, swivel your hips a little." "Just like that you can kill a lifetime." "How are things going with the goofball?" "Who?" "You know, the hand kisser." "Him?" "Who needs him?" "I don't need him." "I don't need anybody." "If I needed anybody, it sure wouldn't be him." "She's nuts about him." "It's no good." "He thinks I work in a bank." "[Nickie] So?" "Let him!" "He trusts me:" "He believes in me." "I gotta tell him the truth." "Who I am, what I do, all of it." "That much truth ain't good for nobody." "I should have told him before, but..." "Oh, he's just the nicest thing that ever happened to me." "I wanted it to last as long as it could." "Let me get this straight." "You're gonna tell him you lied to him?" "[Nickie] You're gonna tell him you've been working in this dump for eight years?" "Yep." "[Helene] You're gonna tell about Frank and Charlie and..." "Yep, yep." "Oh, Charity, I gotta hand it to you." "You are an extremely honest, open and stupid broad." "Yep." "[Door Thudding]" "Charity, what..." "Sit down, Oscar." "Aren't you going to sit with me?" "I have some very important things to say to you and... if I have to look in your eyes, I'll never be able to say them." "You alone, miss?" "She's with me." "Charity, I was asleep when you called." "I'm still in my pajamas." "Look." "Don't look at me!" "Oscar..." "I don't now, I never have... and I probably never, ever will... work in a bank." "Oh." "I don't even have a bank account anymore." "Whatever money I do have, I keep in an empty jar of instant coffee." "Oh." "You know how I earn that money, Oscar?" "You're a dance hall hostess." "I'm a dance hall hostess." "I work in a cheap dance hall." "And I dance with strange men... and I drink with them and sometimes... sometimes..." "Hey, how did you know?" "When you left me in the phone booth, I ran outside looking for you." "I saw someone." "I thought it was you and I followed her." "She went into that... that place." "Then I knew it wasn't you." "Except I saw the photographs outside, and it was you." "I didn't go in." "I couldn't." "I went home." "I tried to hate you, Charity." "I tried very hard." "But I couldn't." "I just couldn't hate you." "Maybe you'll have better luck tonight when I get fnished telling you the rest." "It's not important." ""Not important"?" "What do you mean, not important?" "What about all those things you said?" "Look, Charity..." "Don't look at me!" "Charity, I know what I said." "But I just can't let you get away." "You have to marry me." "[Crying] Oscar, I've gotta tell you everything!" "I don't care what you are or what you've done." "If you only knew." "If you only knew, all those guys." "All those guys that..." "[Sobbing]" "Charity, don't cry." "Please, don't cry." "I believe you." "I know you believe me!" "I'm crying about that other part!" "What other part?" "That marrying part!" "I didn't hear it the frst time!" "[Sobbing]" "Excuse me, sport." "Marry me?" "Oscar!" "[Sobbing]" "You're not just makin' fun of me, are ya?" "Because asking' a girl to marry her is one of her most sensitive areas." "You really shouldn't say it if you don't mean it." "I mean, you can seriously hurt a person kiddin' around like that." "To tell you the truth, Oscar," "I don't think I could stand another injury of that nature." "You know, for the frst time, I'm happy." "I mean, really happy inside!" "And it's all because of you!" "Oh!" "Don't look at me!" "I can get pretty emotional too, you know." "Give me your hand." "Charity, you know what we're gonna do?" "We're gonna get out of this city." "Oh, I'd like that." "We'll move to the country." "I'd like that." "New Jersey maybe!" "We'll open a nursery and greenhouse, grow flowers." "You'd like that." "The important thing is to forget about the past." "I've forgot it." "It's not important." "It's not important." "It isn't." "We won't discuss it anymore." "We won't even think about it, especially not think about it." "We won't think about it." "A lot of men couldn't do that, but not me." "Not you." "I'll never mention it again as long as I live." "I'd like that." "Because I need you, Charity." "I need you..." "and I love you." "Besides, it's about time I got married anyway." "I'm 34 years old." "He loves... me." "Did you know that the odds are 785..." "Someone loves me." "Someone loves me!" "Some... one..." "loves... me!" "Some... one..." "loves... me!" "[Echoing] Some... one..." "loves... me!" "[Crowd Cheering]" "# Somebody loves me #" "# My heart is beating so fast #" "#All kinds of music is pouring out of me #" "# Somebody loves me #" "#At last #" "# Now #" "# I'm a brass band I'm a harpsichord #" "# I'm a clarinet #" "# I'm the Philadelphia orchestra #" "# I'm the modern jazz quartet #" "# I'm the band from Macy's big parade #" "#A wild Count Basie blast #" "# I'm the bells of St. Peter's in Rome #" "# I'm tissue paper on a comb #" "#And all kinds of music #" "# Is pouring out of me #" "# 'Cause somebody loves me at last #" "# Somebody loves me #" "# She's a brass band She's a harpsichord #" "# She's a clarinet #" "# She's the Philadelphia orchestra #" "#The modern jazz quartet #" "# She's a brass band She's a harpsichord #" "# She's a clarinet #" "That's me!" "# She's the Philadelphia orchestra #" "# She's the modern jazz quartet #" "# She's the band from Macy's big parade #" "#A wild Count Basie blast #" "She's the bells of St. Peter's in Rome" "She's the bells of St. Peter's in Rome" "# She's tissue paper on a comb #" "# Somebody loves me ##" "At last!" "[Drums Continue]" "Oh, look, you don't have to come in." "No, it's all right." "It's all right." "I'll just be a few minutes." "I'm fne, just fne." "[Grunting]" "Hmm." "Hey, anybody in there?" "Oh, it's you." "Herman, what's goin' on?" "How come you're closed?" "Business stinks." "I sent everybody home." "Aw, but I called Nickie and Helene and I told 'em I was comin' by..." "Hey, you heard the news." "I'm tying' the knot." "I'm gettin' spliced!" "I'm gettin' hitched!" "Oh, yeah, I heard." "Look." "This is him." "This is the one." "Oscar Lindquist, this is Herman, affectionately known as der Fuhrer." "How do you do?" "Right." "Well, I got work to do." "Wait, wait." "I got to get some things out of my locker." "Okay, but don't take none of the hangers." "Every time a girl leaves here, she always takes all the hangers." "He's kind of gruff on the outside, but inside he's really a very rotten person." "Herman, would ya turn on a light?" "You should know the way by now." "Eight years of your life you spend in a place... and nobody even cares enough to turn on a light." "[Crowd] Surprise!" "We really fooled ya, huh?" "You didn't think we'd let ya get away without givin' ya a party?" "You shouldn't have!" "I told ya we shouldn't have!" "[Chattering, Party Favors Blowing]" "Everybody, everybody, that's him!" "That's the one!" "[Chattering]" "This is Mr. Oscar Lindquist!" "This here, Oscar, is Nickie and Helene." "Remember I told you so much about 'em?" "How do you..." "[Herman] All right, folks!" "And now through the courtesy of the hostesses here at the Fandango Ballroom, in cooperation with the waiters," "Chet, the bouncer, Irving, the cop," "[Booing]" "And our three regular customers since 1949," "[Cheering]" "We present..." "[Party Favors Blowing]" "A $17 cake!" "[Chattering]" ""Happy Birthday, Angelo"?" "You couldn't get a new cake, ya cheapskate?" "That's all they had on such short notice." "Oh!" "No, no, no!" "It's the sentiment that counts." "I thank you and Oscar thanks you and Angelo thanks you." "You know something, pal?" "For a broad she's got a lot of class." "Somebody get Mr. Whatsit a beer." "The present, the present!" "Charity Hope Valentine, we who have lived with you, undressed with you, suffered the indignities of this crummy joint with you." "Aw!" "We who have come to know you and to love you, on this, your nuptial eve..." "[Chattering]" "Shut up!" "We just want to wish you..." "I think I'm gonna cry." "Will ya quit slobberin' all over the cake?" "Get down!" "Let me do it!" "Hold it down." "Charity, honey, we just wanted to..." "God, we're gonna miss you, girl!" "I'll give it to her." "I'm the one that picked it out anyway." "Charity, please accept this gift as a token of our estimation." "[Chattering]" "I hope it's a nice gift." "I wonder what..." "[Nickie] What the hell kind of a wedding present is that?" "I thought she was pregnant." "Isn't that why she's getting married?" "[Chattering]" "It's the nicest, nicest wedding present I ever got." "[Man] That a girl!" "All right, folks." "You know it ain't often that one of our group goes off... to marry a nice, respectable guy." "As a matter of fact, this is the frst time it's ever happened." "So in honor of our own blushing bride-to-be," "Miss Charity Valentine, I would like to say..." "[Chattering] Wait a minute!" "Wait a minute!" "Gee!" "Gee!" "# It's tough for a loudmouthed mug like me #" "#Who all the time bellows like a bull #" "[Mooing]" "#To make with the words about the missus-to-be #" "#When what you think is an empty heart is full #" "[Chattering]" "#Tomorrow when you say I do #" "# I'll die #" "I'm almost too ashamed" "#To tell you why #" "[Chattering]" "# I #" "# Love to cry at weddings #" "# How I love to cry at weddings #" "# I walk into a chapel and get happily hysterical #" "#The ushers and attendants #" "#The family dependents #" "# I see them and I start to sniff #" "# Have you an extra handkerchief #" "#And all through the service while the bride and groom look nervous #" "Tears ofjoy are streaming down my face Down his face" "# I love to cry at weddings anybody's wedding #" "#Anytime, anywhere, anyplace #" "# I always weep at weddings #" "# I'm a soggy creep at weddings #" "# Oh, what's so sweet and sloppy as, oh, promise me and all that jazz #" "#The man you rest your head with, the man you share your bed with #" "# Is married to you so you know #" "# He won't jump up and dress and blow #" " # I could marry Herman # - #And be permanently sorry #" "#We would make a really lousy pair #" "# But, gee I want a wedding any kind of wedding #" "#Anytime, anyplace, anywhere #" "#And all through the service while the bride and groom look nervous #" "#Tears of joy are streaming down my face #" "# I love to cry at weddings anybody's wedding #" "#Anytime, anywhere #" "#Anyplace doodle-le-do #" "# I love to cry at weddings #" "# How I love to cry at weddings #" "# I walk into a chapel and get happily hysterical #" "#The ushers and attendants #" "#The family dependents #" "# I see them and I start to sniff #" "# Have you an extra handkerchief #" "#And all through the service #" "#While the bride and groom look nervous #" "[Laughing, Cheering]" "# I drink champagne #" "#And sing Sweet Adeline #" "## [Vocalizing]" "# I love to cry #" "#At weddings #" "#Anybody's wedding #" "#Just as long as it's not mine #" "[Laughing]" "Okay, everybody, the food is on me!" "[Cheering]" "[Piano] [Chattering]" "Hey, Johnnie." "Uh, Lindquist." "Oscar Lindquist." "Yeah, you just make sure you treat her right." "You get me?" "Yes, of course." "'Cause she's entitled, I mean, really entitled." "If I was to list all the rotten deals that sweet, stupid, hard-luck dame's been dealt..." "If I was to tell you..." "There's no need, really." "Oh, yeah, that's right." "You know all about it." "Frankly, I was dead set against her telling ya anything." "But it seems you're a saint." "She tells you everything and you say it doesn't matter, right?" "That's right." "Say it again." "Ha, ha, she hasn't been makin' a pitch for herself, has she?" "Well, he's taken." "Hold this for me, would ya?" "I'll be right back." "Well." "Well." "Well." "[Crying]" "It can happen, though, you see?" "You just gotta keep hopin'." "That's the important thing." "I mean, miracles do happen." "Everybody, so long." "Bye!" "# I love to cry at weddings #" "#Anybody's wedding #" "#Anytime, anyplace #" "#Anywhere #" "# I love to cry at weddings #" "# How I love to cry at weddings #" "# I walk into a chapel and get happily hysterical #" "#The ushers and attendants #" "#The family dependents #" "# I see them and I start to sniff #" "# Have you an extra handkerchief #" "#And all through the service while the bride and groom look nervous #" "#Tears of joy are streaming' down my face # Down his face" "# I love #" "#To cry at weddings anybody's wedding #" "#Anytime # #Anytime #" "#Anywhere # #Anywhere #" "#Anyplace # #Anyplace ##" "[Woman Laughing Hysterically]" "[Laughing Hysterically]" "[Laughing Continues]" "[Laughing] D-Didn't you see the sign?" ""Please do not throw any rice in the halls or on the stairs."" "That's because one out of every 42 accidents occurs in a public building." "Oh." "I'll be careful." "Look." "You like it?" "Yeah, it's, uh..." "It's, uh..." "It caught my eye, you know." "You and your flowers and everything." "Oh." "You don't like it?" "No, I do, I do." "[Oscar] It's very flowery." "Boy, there sure are a lot of questions here." "Okay, name:" "Charity Hope Valentine." "Soon to become Mrs. Oscar Lindquist." "Age..." "Yeah, what the hell?" "Heck." "[Chuckles]" "Place of birth:" "New York, New York." "New York." "[Chuckles]" "Identifying marks?" "What are they?" "You know, scars, birthmarks, tattoos." "[Phone Ringing]" "Oh." "Tattoo." "I'm gonna have it taken off, Oscar, you know." "Occupation:" "Unemployed." "It hurts like crazy, they say, but you can have 'em taken off." "Charity." "Yeah?" "Okay, fnished." "Your turn." "Boy, I'll tell ya, I didn't care too much for the frst half of my life, but the second half sure is gettin' good." "## [Humming:" "Wedding Processional]" "## [Humming Continues]" "Charity, I can't go through with it." "## [Humming Continues]" "Did you hear what I said, Charity?" "I can't marry you." "## [Humming Continues]" "You're nervous, aren't ya, Oscar?" "It's perfectly natural for the groom to be nervous..." "I can't do it." "[Pen Clattering]" "Is this a joke?" "[Chuckling] Is this a joke, Oscar?" "'Cause if this is a joke, it's a very rotten joke." "Oh, this isn't a joke." "Nobody would joke about a thing like this." "Is it a joke?" "I know what it is!" "It's this stupid dress!" "Oh, me and my rotten, crummy taste." "Why don't we get me another dress and this time you pick it out?" "It's not the dress." "[Whispering] It's not the dress." "It's the way I talk, isn't it?" "I know, sometimes I say those dumb things." "But if I went to night school, in no time at all..." "Charity, it's not you." "It's me." "What are you trying to tell me?" "I don't know how to explain it." "Well, try, Oscar." "Holy mackerel, please try." "Charity, I have this thing, this mental block." "What?" "So?" "There's a lot of that goin' around." "A stupid, childish, insane fxation." "I know it's wrong." "I know it's not what a person's done, i-it's what's inside." "But I can't help it." "Did you hear that?" "I know it's wrong, and I can't help it." "I got an idea." "Let's you and me go ahead and get married, and then afterward... we'll talk about your fxation, okay?" "You're better off without me, Charity." "I'm doing you a favor." "Oscar." "Oscar!" "Oscar!" "We could be so happy together." "Growing flowers in New Jersey." "On days when your mental block was bothering' you, you could stay in bed." "And I'd grow the flowers." "[People Laughing]" "[Laughing Continues]" "Oscar." "Oscar, listen." "I could change the way I talk." "I could change the way I dress, you know." "But there's certain things a person can't change because they're history." "And you can't change history, Oscar, no matter how much you want to." "Oh, Charity." "Oscar, I got so much to give." "Please, let me give it to you." "Charity, I'm saving you..." "I'm saving you from me." "Don't save me." "Marry me." "Don't beg, Charity." "You're too good to beg to anyone." "Oscar, hey, you know, we don't have to get married if you don't want to." "I mean, we could just, uh, you know, be together." "Don't you understand?" "I would destroy you." "But that's okay." "I'm not doing much now anyway." "Oh, God." "Forgive me." "Please forgive me." "I forgive you." "I forgive..." "Where am I going and what will I find" "What's in this grab bag that I call my mind" "What am I doing alone on the shelf" "Ain't it a shame" "No one's to blame but myself" "Which way is clear" "When you've lost your way" "Year after year" "Do I keep falling in love" "Forjust the kick of it" "Staggering through the thin and thick of it" "Hating each old and tired trick of it" "You know what I am I'm good and sick of it" "Where am I going" "Why do I care" "Run to the Bronx or Washington Square" "No matter where I run" "I meet myself there" "Looking inside me" "What do I see" "Anger and hope and doubt" "What am I all about and where am I going" "[Ringing]" "Yeah?" "Hey, it's the old married lady!" "[Chattering]" "Hi, baby, it's me." "How'd it go?" "Nickie." "What are you doin' calling' here?" "You must have better things to do." "Nickie, I wanna talk to ya." "[Whispering] You ought to hear her." "She's all choked up." "Charity, I can't tell ya how happy all of us are for ya." "We've been doin' nothin' else but talking' about it all day." "Tell us about the ceremony." "It must have been beautiful." "And talk loud 'cause we're all listening'." "Shh." "Uh... uh..." "Yeah." "Yeah, i-it was beautiful." "It was beautiful just like in the movies." "Did he give you a nice ring?" "Did he carry you over the threshold?" "Did he hang out a "do not disturb" sign?" "Shh!" "Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, he did all those things." "Just like in the movies, you know?" "Well, put the groom on." "We wanna hear his side." "[Laughing]" "Oh, well, I can't." "He can't, you know." "We promise we won't say nothin' dirty." "We just want to say good luck." "Put him on!" "Shh!" "Okay, just a second." "Honey, uh, the girls wanna say good luck, you know?" "He says..." "He says he can't." "He's shaving, you know." "Are you happy, baby?" "Are you fnally happy?" "Yeah." "Yeah, I'm fnally happy." "I hope so." "Listen, don't talk to us no more." "Any man who's shaving means business." "So long, baby, and thanks for callin'." "It meant a lot you thinkin' about us at a time like this." "Hey, listen, if the frst one's a girl, you can call it Nickie." "If it's a boy, you can call it Nickie." "So long, baby!" "Bye!" "Bye!" "[Phone Clicks]" "[Sniffling] Bye." "# Looking inside me #" "#What do I see #" "#Anger and hope and doubt #" "#What am I all about #" "#And where am I going ##" "[Sobbing] You tell me." "[Splashing]" "Good morning." "Good morning." "[Man] Good morning." "Good morning." "Good morning." "Good morning." " Good morning." " Good morning." "[Girl] Good morning." "[Girl] Good morning." "Morning." "Love." "Love." "[Girl] Love." "[Girl] Love." "[Boy] Love." "Love." "Good morning." "[Together] Good morning." "Closed-captioned by Captions, Inc." "Los Angeles"