"First of all, I think I'm in love." "Why is it all right for you to have a boyfriend but not for me?" "So long as you live under my roof, you live by my rules." "Finn's got an admirer." "Who would even send a love letter?" "That is so stupid." "Keep your voice down." "This is where I work." "Don't tell me to keep my voice down." "Either we're friends or we're not friends." "Maybe..." "I don't want to be your friend." "We are..." "Married!" "Can I tell you something?" "It was me who sent the letter to Finn." "Don't mention Friday to anyone." "Why are you looking at me?" "I'm looking at everyone." "Don't tell your brothers, don't tell your sisters, don't even tell knobheads from school." "At the end of the day..." "'Whatever, Chop." "'Dear Diary, the fight for Finn's delicious heart has begun.'" "'In the red corner, Chloe." "'Seen here looking at Finn like a black widow 'sizing up how much Gaviscon she's going to need 'after eating him whole." "'In the blue corner, see me." "'Finn is so out of my league" ";that no-one would ever even suspect I liked him." "'Nay, loved him." "'But since we had had that amazing heart-to-heart at the party, 'my odds have shortened massively.'" "This Friday is between the six of us." "Put it in the vault, people." "Lock it in the fucking vault." "'We've even developed a secret mode of communication.'" "'I had to use every ounce of my willpower 'not to move his hand over just a few inches 'and ask him to write out all of War And Peace.'" "Here you are, check out this bad ass!" "Oh, my God!" "Hi, Rae." "Hi, Chloe." "Hi, everyone." "Hi." "What are you doing here?" "I'm booking the function room for Saturday." "Oh, Rae's friends." "This is my new husband, Karim." "Congratulations." "Pleased to meet you." "We're getting the marriage blessed and then we're gonna come here and have the reception afterwards." " You're all invited, of course." " They can't, they're busy." "We're not busy at all." "That's wonderful, Mrs Earl." "Congratulations." "Thank you, Chloe." "But actually, my name is Mrs Bouchtat now." "Oh, Bouchtat." "Does that mean your name is Rae Bouchtat?" " No, it doesn't." " This is so exciting." "We can use it as a wind-down session after the rave." "What did you say?" "Nothing." "Did she say "rave"? How many calories a minute does high-intensity sex burn?" "18." "How long would I have to have sex to burn off a six-pack of Wagon Wheels?" " Jammy or normal?" " Jammy." "Jammy Wagon Wheels are 167 cal." "Six are 1,002." "18 cal a minute..." "Just under an hour." "Ooh!" "Maybe I should get Dr Nick to cancel his one o'clock." "Hand jobs are supposed to be exhausting too." "I've heard you sometimes have to change arms halfway through." "So what you're saying is I could essentially sex myself thin." "Well, you could eat two roast dinners, have sex for an hour, throw in a couple of hand jobs and you'd actually be in minus calories." "What is not to like?" "Where do I sign?" "What day is it?" "It's Wednesday, 21 August 1996." "'Dear Diary, I want to be more like Rae." "'Then my life would be full of things like boys." "'Rather than things like how many calories things contain." "'And how to lose those calories.'" "I want you to try to drink at least two of these a day." "They taste like tar." "Tix, your BMI has dropped again." "It's dropped significantly." "You've become in danger of falling very ill, OK?" "There is a risk of organ failure, of heart problems, hormone problems, problems with your brain." "Angie says you're refusing solids." "I don't like people watching me eat." "You are on supervised eating, Tix." "It's her job to watch you eat." "If you don't start eating in the next few days, if your weight doesn't stabilise," "I'll have to put you on a tube feed, Tix." "I really, really don't want to have to do that." "Do you understand?" "Yeah." "So how have you been since our last session?" "Are you scared?" "You have to let go, Tix." "It's OK to lose control... sometimes." "You don't have to worry all the time, you don't have to count calories." "Tell me something that makes you feel good." "Anything." "Rae." "Rae, great." "So, supposing I set up a date between you and Rae for dinner." "She'd like that." "I'd like that." "It would have to be Rae, though." "Hm." "Because I said no and that means no." "But everyone's going." "It's not like an illegal rave anyway." "It's more like a big dance event." "You're not going." "I know sometimes I tell you to do things and you ignore me, right, well, this isn't going to be one of those times." "Anyway, what do you think Kester would say if you told him you were going to a rave?" "He'd say, "Go for it." I know Kester." "And he would love the idea of me enjoying myself." "Cos he's not a complete ball-breaker." "Thank you, I'm not deaf." "Right, how does it look?" "Oh, great!" "I look like a cross between a profiterole and a prolapsed colon." "I love it, I absolutely love it." "Mmm." "Oh!" "Well, what about this one?" "It's too expensive." "But I love it." "If everyone is going to be there, I have to look nice." "Right, Rae, when I say no to something, it doesn't mean keep arguing, it means end of discussion!" "I think I'm going to be sick." "Oh, don't be so dramatic." "'You always wonder what it would be like to sit in front of a doctor 'and hear the worst possible news." "'How you'd cope, how you'd feel.'" "Rae, I'm afraid you're going to have to stop drinking alcohol." "Why?" "The meds we switched you to, some people feel nauseous if they drink on them, especially at first." " Right, so it's nothing serious." " What?" "I want to go back to the old ones." "No, I wasn't happy with the SSRIs." "You said they make you feel drowsy." "I'd rather feel drowsy than feel sick." "No, it's fine, she can just give up the booze." " This is bullshit." " Rae!" "We can review your meds in the next few weeks, but changing them or stopping them now is not a good idea." "Oh, Dr Nick, I meant to say." "I got married last week." "Oh, wow, great, congratulations!" "Are we all right?" "Yeah." "Ohh!" "'When you're sick, you don't belong to yourself any more." "'You don't get a say." "'Every doctor is another parent, every ward another classroom, 'every pill another piece of their bollocks that you have to swallow.'" "'So that was it." "No booze 'because of my pills and no rave because of my cowbag of a mum.'" "'You never know, maybe the rave would be shit." "'Who was I kidding?" "'It was gonna be fuckin' amazing." "The perfect opportunity 'to lick the fillings from his teeth, 'to suck on his fingers, to grab hold of his firm...'" "Rae, what are you thinking about?" "I'm thinking... how I'm going to tell you that you smell of BO." "I'm sure you'll find something to say." "Oh, shit!" "There's Kendo." "Who's Kendo?" "Some twat dealer from Dalehead." "Do I look all right?" "What do you mean, "Do I look all right"?" "He's a scumbag." "All right, ladies?" "All right, Chopper?" "All right, Kendo?" "Tell your fuckin' brother I'm gonna smash his face in when I see him" "I'm only joking." "How is the cunt?" "He's all right." "Do you want some pills for Friday?" "Yeah, yeah, sounds good." "Drop round tomorrow and I'll see what I can do for you." "In a bit." "See you later, girls." "What are you getting drugs for?" " It's a rave, innit?" " Finn, can I get a ride on the back of your scooter?" "Yeah, course, no problem." "There's room for you to all go in the one car." "What are you talking about?" "I'm not going." "What?" "Why?" "Is it because of your mum?" "I'm not going if Rae's not going." "I'm not going if Rae's not going." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, no, no, no." "No-one is backing out of this." "Rae?" "Come here." "Rae, what's going on?" "My mum won't let me go." "Rae, listen to everyone." "You've got to go." "Right, you're always being reminded about how sick you were." "It's just making you worse." "You even said yourself, you're getting better." "You know, you and Finn are getting close." "Yeah." "He's a good laugh." "Does he ever mention me?" "I don't know really." "What do you reckon he'd do if I tried to kiss him?" "How should I know what he'd do?" "Can you imagine sleeping with him?" "You'd need a fucking bib." "That's disgusting." "It's what you said about Jarvis Cocker last week." " It's still disgusting." " Well, you're disgusting." "Right, I'm off." "Rae, come round to mine tomorrow if you want." "Why?" "Because I've got some really crap reggae I want to show you." "And you can give me some personal hygiene tips." "'Round one to me.'" "Rachel, come name..." "Special bird for you." "No, thanks." "Oh, Rae, come and name a bird." "Oh!" "Ah!" "What's the matter with you?" "You're not still in a mood, are you, about that rave?" "I'd like to see Kester's face if he thought I was letting you go to a rave." "Stop pretending like you know him." "I already told you, he wants me to have a life." "Are you going to name this bird or not?" "You know, they might not even like each other and you've got them all cooped up together." " Well, a lot of us have to live like that, so..." " It doesn't make it right." "You shouldn't cage up wild animals." "Just name the bird!" "Fine!" "He's called Mandela." "Mandela." "That's like Nelson." "I like." "'So are you go to the rave tomorrow?" "'" "It doesn't look like it." "Will you go out with me?" "Where?" "'In the hospital." "A dinner date.'" "I'm going to try and have some proper food." "'Kester says I need to lose control.'" "Oh, I love Kester for saying that." "How do I lose control?" "Do something that you've always wanted to do, but you've been too scared of." "Can you think of anything?" "Maybe." "Hiya, Tix." "Hiya." "What are you up to?" "A bit of admin." "Do you fancy going to the lake with me later?" "Me?" "Yeah." "OK." "Cool." "What time?" " Four-ish?" " Four-ish, OK, cool." "'Even his house was a bit sexy." "'Oh, God, stop!" "'No craziness." "Stop the craziness." "'I'm breathing too deep." "'I'm hyperventilating." "'Put your hands on something flat.'" "I pulled a hamstring." "Just stretching it out." "Come up to my room." "If my dad sees you, he'll bend your ear for weeks." "'His bedroom?" "'My God!" "'This was it." "'About to enter the lion's den.'" "Hi." "'Round two.'" "Well, I didn't want to miss out on listening to some reggae." "Yeah, cos you love reggae." "I don't particularly like any type of music best." "I just like good music." "You know." "Finn, I love this song." "Who do you like best, Chloe?" "Morrissey, or the lead singer of the Smiths?" "Well, it depends what mood I'm in." "What?" "'In your face, Chloe!" "'" "Right, who wants a beer?" " I will." " Rae?" " No, I'm all right." " Serious?" "Come on, Rea." "Don't be boring." "Don't be a weirdo." "'I can't believe I asked a boy out." "'Finally, I'm going to be able to talk to Rea about kissing 'and sex things and flirting and love.'" "'Just like a normal girl." "'Maybe I can be normal.'" "So what about Rae, then?" "Is your mum not letting you go?" "It's complicated." "It would be shit if you don't come." "Well, the rest of the gang are still going." "You're still going to have a good time." "The rest of the gang would fall apart if you're not there." "You are the gang." "No, I mean that, Rae." "Everyone else has got too much stuff going on." "You're the most, you know, normal." "That's bollocks." "It's true!" "Anyway, you've got to go." "I won't take no for an answer because..." "Because what?" " Are you OK?" " No, I just, um..." "What's up?" "I don't feel very well." "Well, d'you want me to see if my dad will give you a lift home?" "'Oh, God!" "No vomitorium!" "'" "You'll like this." "I got really bladdered at a Status Quo concert once." "'Round two to Chloe.'" "'Just relax." "'He's just a boy." "'Rae would say something funny." "'Maybe I should tell a joke?" "'No." "'Don't tell any jokes." "'Just make conversation.'" "What do you want to talk about?" "Ducks." "They're one of my favourite things, ducks." "I mean, when you think about a duck, they're just so... chilled out." "They're not chilled out." "I've seen them fight." "Yeah, but once they've done flapping their wings and splashing about and stuff, they just go back to being so... chilled out." " Hey, d'you know what we should do?" " What?" "We should become ducks." "We'd go into the pond." "Danny, no, they'll see you from the windows." "I fear nothing." "Come on, then." "'Lose control." "'Let go." "'Lose control." "'Let go." "'Lose control." "'Let go." "'Lose control." "'Let go." "'Lose control.'" "Come on." "Oh, shit!" "'Fucking pills!" "Fucking doctors!" "'How was I supposed to compete for Finn when I couldn't go anywhere, 'couldn't do anything?" "'At least there was one adult on the planet who understood.'" "It's a load of crap." "I mean, I'm 16." "Everyone else is going." "And she's all like, "Oh, you can't go because you're different." ""You shouldn't be exposing yourself to that kind of situation."" "She even used you in an argument." ""Oh, think of what Kester would say."" "What did she think I'd say?" "She said that you would think it was a bad idea." "But she doesn't know about everything we talk about in here." "She doesn't know about all the work we've done on me being brave and confident." "She just reminds me that I'm ill all the time." "I agree with your mum." "I think it's a terrible idea." "You don't think that." "You're recovering from a serious illness." "If you'd broken your leg, would you try and run a marathon two months later?" "Do you still think I'm a mess, then?" "I don't think you're a mess." "I think you need to take care of yourself." "I need to take myself?" "Who were you arguing with?" "Last week in the car park." "I saw you." "Was it your wife?" "How am I supposed to listen to someone whose life is a bigger mess than mine?" "What is even the point of these sessions, seriously?" "To find out what pushed you over the edge and to stop it from happening again." "Oh, you're always asking questions." ""Why did you hurt yourself?" "Why did you go crazy?"" "Sometimes there is no why." "I just did." "And being here and being asked about it every bloody day is what's keeping it alive." "Look, I know this is painful..." "Are you even listening to me?" "I was bored." "I was lonely." "I had no mates." "Now I'm finally popular." "And you just want to make me feel different again." "I don't want to come here any more." "You are not obliged to come here, Rae." "But I think it would be a bad idea." "I think we're making some real..." "progress here." "I think..." "What would happen if I walked out of the door right now and never came back?" "Aren't you going to try and say something insightful to make me stay?" "Do you think perhaps... ..your anger is born out of frustration with yourself?" "That you're angry and frustrated with yourself for being ill?" "You see, that is not something you are entirely responsible for." "I don't half bloody love you, beastie." "'Friday, the 23rd of August." "'Dear Diary..." "'Oh, bollocks to it!" "'" "Morning." "Morning." "What?" "What happened?" "What happened?" "Someone let all the birds out of the cage." "That's what happened." "Who did?" "Why would someone do such a thing?" "I don't know." "Maybe you could tell me why someone would do such a thing." "Oh, my...!" "Do you want to tell me why you did it?" "Well, I didn't know that they'd die." "Well, what did you think they'd do?" "Fly back to the Bahamas?" "Check in at the local RSPB?" "Karim is in bits." "He built this because he doesn't know many people here." "He wanted a project, something nice, so he didn't feel so trapped." "I did it because they shouldn't be in a cage." "They're birds, they're not toys." "No, you did it to get back at me for not letting you go to the rave, didn't you?" "Well, is it any wonder I won't let you go when you do things like this?" "When you behave like a mental case?" "Don't call me a mental case." "But... you know what I meant." "Don't you ever call me a fuckin' mental case." "Don't talk to me like that, Rae." "I'm your mum." "I meant you need to start behaving like an adult instead of behaving like a child." "Yeah?" "Well, maybe you need to start behaving like my mum instead of behaving like a twat." "Oh, I'm sorry, Rae." "Save it." "Where are you going?" "I don't know, anywhere." "Away from you, away from him." "Rae, don't go." "Let's talk about this." "I'm really sorry." "Why don't you slap me and then we're even?" "I don't want to slap you." "I don't even want to look at you." "'I'd always known I'd have to run away from home at some point." "'I'd always planned that I don't stop at Chloe's." "'We'd be like sisters." "I'd have a normal family.'" "'But things change.'" "There you go." "Tea makes everything all right." "I reckon it'll be all right, you know, in a couple of days." "When you've both had some space or whatever." "Thanks for letting me stop." "It's all right." "My dad's ironing the sheets for the spare room as we speak." "Oh, please don't let him do that." "I wouldn't try and stop him." "So what time's the rave?" "We'll probably set off in about an hour." "Why, are you thinking of coming?" "No." "No, I'm not." "It would mess up all the lifts and stuff anyway." "Would it bollocks, no!" "I'll tell Chloe to jump in with Chop." "And you can get on the scooter with me." "'I can't even dip my toe in a pond." "'I can't even lose control enough to get my feet wet." "'I'll never be normal." "'I'll never be able to talk to Rae about kissing and flirting and love." "'I'll never be like...'" " Rae?" " It's me." "What are you doing in here?" "Hiding." "Why, what are you doing in here?" "Hiding." "I thought you'd be getting ready your big date with Rae." "I'm not going." "Please don't try and convince me to go." "I once treated a young boy, he was about seven years old." "He used to pull down on his testicles whenever he was upset." "I mean really yank down, it was truly eye-watering to behold." "Then one day, I asked him a difficult question." "He pulled down so hard upon them that he had to go to hospital." "That's crazy." "You'd be surprised what lengths people will go to not to face what's real and painful inside them." "But then, that's what my job is." "I'm essentially a torturer." "This is where you say that I'm not a torturer, that I'm actually quite lovely." "My methods of torture are asking you to trust people." "Asking you to lose control." "But if I'd been treated the way you have been treated by people... ..I'd want to sit in a toilet and hide away from the rest of the world as well." "You are sitting in a toilet." "It's really quite nice, actually." "I can see why you and Rae hang out here." "I do trust people, you know." "I trust Rae." "Well, then maybe you should have dinner with her." "Are you all right?" "Listen, try and have a good night." "Enjoy yourself." "Er, what's going on with you two?" "What do you mean?" "You look like a couple." "Come on, Chloe, we look like a better couple than they do." "I've got one for everyone." "You fucking know this, come on." "Finn?" "No, I'm all right." "Chloe?" "No way." "What are you doing?" "Taking a pill." "What, you hate drugs." "You don't take drugs." "You said there was one for everyone." "Not for you, you're different." "Why am I different?" "Rae, are you in?" "Ladies and gentlemen, start your engines." "What's the point in keeping a diary when you're too scared to even do anything?" "When your life is boring?" "When the only things you know are how many calories things contain?" "And how to lose them?" "Oh, my God, Rae!" "I can't believe you dropped a pill." "Yeah, well, you're the one that told me to chill." "So, how's things going with Finn?" "OK." "Are you staying at his tonight?" "Yeah." "But it's a long story." "But you like him?" "What, Finn?" "No!" "We're just best mates." "I really want to kiss him, but I don't know..." "I think he likes someone else." "Who?" "I'm not too sure." "Has he said anything to you?" "No." "Maybe I won't try then." "Whoo!" "Archie, come here." "If you were a bloke, I'd shag your lights out." "Yeah." "And if I was a bloke, I'd let you." "Really?" "I fucking love you, Rae." "Promise me we'll hang out next year at college, yeah?" "Whoo!" "I know you." "Everyone knows me." "You've got the fuckin' moves, girl." "I love it." "I love to dance." "I just love it." "Right, come dance with me." "Have you got anything?" "I'm single, are you?" "Are you here with someone?" "No." "I'm not single." "You can be single if you want." "Rae, Rae, come here." "Come here." "What are you doing?" "I'm talking to her." "I'll bring her back in a second." "I just need to borrow her a minute." "Bye." "What are you doing with knobheads?" "What are doing with Kendo?" "Are you crying?" " I fuckin' love her." " Who?" "Izzy, I fuckin' love her." "Whoa!" "Why are you telling me this?" "Because you're the daddy." "You know everything." "Tell me what to do." "Oh!" "Tell her." "Just go over there and tell her and be happy." "Yeah?" "Yeah." "Bloody hell!" "Come on." "Chop!" "Hey, Barney, have you seen Chop?" "Huh!" "Er, Chop!" "Chop!" "Jesus, Rae, I'm so fucked." "Yeah." "Me too." "Um... where the fuck is he?" "That boy's a constant flight risk." "Right, just leave it." "Right?" "He'll come back when he's ready." "And..." "I need another drink." "So come on." "So come on." "Come on, let's go." "Why are you laughing?" "No way, I'll chunder." "Pussy!" "Right..." "I need to kiss him tonight, babes." "Who?" "I need to kiss him." "I need to tell him." "What..." "He needs to know!" "What are you on about?" "You're fucked." "No." "I'm all right." "I need to kiss him and I need to tell him." "He needs to know!" "Finn?" "Piss off!" "Finn?" "Finn!" "Finn?" "No..." "Rae, what are you going?" "Rae?" "No!" "Rae!" "Rae!" "Rae!" "How you feeling?" "Like twice-boiled shit." "Can you remember anything from last night?" "A little." "Oh, I can't remember a thing." "Oh..." "You're stopping at Finn's, right?" "No, just take me home." "What about your mum?" "Ohhh..." "What the fuck?" "!" "Karim?" "You sure you want to go home?" "Yeah." "'Dear Diary, if tea makes everything better," "'I need an ocean of it." "'I need all the tea in China." "'Sorry I haven't written for a while but... 'well, what do you expect?" "'I'm unreliable." "'I'm a mess." "'I'm mental.'" "Hello, Mandela." "Hello?" "'Rae?" "It's Kester." "'Look, it's about Tix.'" "Oh, shit." "The meal." "I missed it." "Is she there?" "Can I speak to her?" "'No, it's... it's not..." "'She...' What?" "'She collapsed this morning.'" "Is it serious?" "'How quickly can you get to the hospital?" "'"