"Get off of me." "Get off me, Max!" "Well, stop moving!" "Mom, what are we having for dinner?" "Really?" "You want dinner?" "We just spent the last three hours schlepping around town." "Don't you wanna go inside, go to bed?" "It's still daytime." "Fine." "I'll feed ya..." "Again." "Come on." "Hey, hon." "Hey, babe." "How was your day?" "Aw, I spent half of it in the car because Max's new karate place is 40 minutes away from Abby's gymnastics." "And Mrs. silverworth's hip replacement surgery went really well, which means piano lessons start up again tomorrow." "I was really banking' on that thing not healing properly." "Hey, parents." "I need $500, no questions asked." "For what?" "So much for the no questions asked." " It's for driver's ed." " Wait, what?" "I always thought that I would teach you how to drive, 'cause I'm the best driver." "It's true." "He is the best driver that I know." "He's cautious without being too slow." "His merges are smooth as butter." "This one time I looked up, I'm like," ""Marty, how'd we get in this Lane?" "We were just in the other Lane!"" "And we just merged." "I can't believe my baby girl is old enough to drive." "How can you be old enough to drive?" "You're just, like, a little chickadee." "Since when do little chickadees know how to drive?" "Huh?" "Huh?" "Tell me." "Tell me how." "Tell..." "Are you done?" "Yeah, I'm done now." "Bold move." "Thanks for inviting us to the block party." "Father, I want to learn to drive." "A son does not learn how to drive before his parents learn how to drive." "Well, then, maybe it's time you finally learned how to drive, father." "I drive a golf cart." "Don't you worry about me." "I'm pretty fly for a white guy." "But a car, husband." "Think of the possibilities... a vehicle with air conditioning, seat belts, sides." "Marty, will you teach us to drive?" "I don't know, guys." "Teaching someone to drive, it takes a lot of..." "Honey, am I right?" "It takes a lot of patience." "This thing doesn't drive itself, you know!" "How'd he do that?" "S01E19 I Believe I Can Drive" " Okay, that's the gas pedal." " Got it." "That's the brake." " And this is the shifter." " This is excruciating." "We piloted a vessel that carried us thousands of light-years." "I think we can handle a midsized sedan." "Zip it." "Okay, Jackie, take us away." "Listen to her purr." "Pretty good." "Whoa." "Jackie, this is amazing." "You're a natural, Jackie." "All right." "Enough hogging of the wheel." "It's the big bird's turn." "All right." "Use the door, Larry." "Use the door." "Sorry." "All right, Larry." "Just like Jackie." "Marty, I've got this, okay?" "Okay." "That's good..." "All right, that's okay." "Let's..." "We're gonna try it again." "This... you okay?" "This time, we're gonna be a little more gentle." " Aah." " All right." "You ready?" "This... this..." " This is... this is too gentle." " This isn't anything." "A little more speed." "There you go." "That's it." "Why did you... why did..." "Why'd you stop?" "'Cause..." "I'm gonna hit it." " Hit... hit what?" " The car!" " What... what car?" " The car!" "It's, like, 100 yards away." "You're not gonna hit that car." "I am!" "I'm gonna hit the car." "I hate this!" "Hello, Debbie Weaver." "We just finished our lesson with Marty." "Hey, how was it?" " Wonderful." " Don't want to talk about it!" "You'll get the hang of it." "Don't be upset." "It was only a squirrel." "Actually, it was a dog." "How are you?" "Okay, yeah." "Back doing the daily schlep." "Although I'm changing things up a bit." "Piano first, karate last." "Also the name of my memoir." "The Debbie Weaver story."" "So what are you up to?" "I'll be here with Dick." "He doesn't have any after-school activities, so we just make the most of our lazy afternoons together." "Jackie, can I ask you something?" "What do you do every day, all afternoon with Dick Butkus?" "Well, Dick's always had an old soul... an old female soul." "He's a perfect afternoon companion." " He's a woman's best friend." " It's true." "I'm the Laverne to her Shirley, the Gilmore Girl to her other Gilmore Girl." "Speaking of which?" "Season six is locked and loaded." "Subtitles are on." "They speak so fast, those gilmore girls." "We can't understand a word they're saying." "But they sure are charming." "Coming!" "Welcome to driver's ed." "I love cars so much that my nickname is Ms. Porsche." "That's Porsche, like the car, not portia, like the lesbian." "But let's be clear..." "I am a lesbian, but my name is spelled like the car." "She's so cool." "She smells like leather." "How does that make her cool?" "Okay." "Big trouble, you're up first." "Little China, you're observing." "Key in ignition." "Foot on brake." "Shift into drive." "Foot on gas." "Key, brake, drive, gas..." ""k-b-d-g."" "You can remember by "kapow-bam-drive-go."" " Wait." "What?" " Kapow, bam, drive, go!" " Start her up." " How?" "I just told you." "Kapow, bam, drive, go!" "Okay." "Okay." "Sorry." "You were in reverse, not drive." "I said "kapow, bam, drive, go,"" " not "kapow, bam, rev, go."" " What?" "You are no Danica Patrick, let me tell you, and I know." "We met at the "Talladega nights" premiere." "Nothing happened." "Something happened." "Really?" "Yes." "Amber, I cannot wait for you to get your license so you can help me out with all this stuff." "Yep." "Any day now." "God, I can't believe my baby girl is driving." "Do you remember when I taught you how to ride a bike?" "Huh?" "You were so little, and you were so scared." "She was so scared." "And I balanced her on the bike." "And then I let her go, but she didn't know I let her go." "And then I started to cry." " Baby, please, let me teach you how to..." " Dad!" "I do not need your help." "Nobody needs your help." "Wait." "Amber, am I supposed to follow you?" "Amber?" "Well, Marty, Debbie Weaver, we... are having some wonderful weather..." " Reggie." " Thank God." "Wait." "You've really never done this before?" "You're very good." "Will you stop screaming?" "What... what are you doing?" "Did I say "go forward"?" "Sorry." "No, no, no, no!" "Are you kidding me?" "I've never in my life." "Wonderful." "Wonder..." "Marvelous." "Marvelous!" "I quit!" "You're failing." "You passed." "I have a driver's license." "I can't believe it!" "I feel so independent." "I could drive all over town all by myself." " You can, can't you?" " Yes." "I just wish my husband would give driving another chance." "I'm sure he'll come around." "You know, he's gotten much better at not overreacting." "When I say "down with,"" "you say "cars"!" " Down with..." " Cars!" " Down with..." " Cars!" "Bad news, drivers." "Banning cars from this neighborhood has just become the giant political cause of my life." "That and fracking." "Hey hey!" "Ho ho!" "Your filthy cars have got to go!" "Hey hey!" "Ho ho!" "Your filthy cars have got to go!" "You're fast!" "We're furious!" "You're fast!" "We're furious!" "You're fast!" "We're furious!" "You're fast!" "We're furious!" "I refuse to give up driving." "I love it." "The wind in my hair, my tune blasting..." " Tune?" " Mm." "I really only care for third eye blind, "semi-charmed life."" "It's really the only perfect thing to come out of this planet." "That and "Free Willy."" "Jackie, since you're so excited about your newfound freedom..." " Never mind." " Never mind what?" "No." "No." "I'd miss it too much." "You'd miss what too much?" "Well, I was going to say that maybe I would let you drive Abby to gymnastics and after that, drive Max to karate, and then pick them both up and take Max to his play date, and then take Abby to her piano lesson," "and then pick up Max and go get one of those rotisserie chickens that they have on special this week, the herbed lemon, not the barbecue, and then pick up Abby from piano, take them both home with the chicken... herbed, not barbecue." "Wait." "So I'd..." "Be lucky to do this?" " So lucky." " So lucky?" "Jackie, it's like hitting the driving jackpot." "You'd get to go through town, like, nine times during rush hour, which is, like, the most popular time of the day to drive." " Really, Deb?" "Really?" " Marty." "Ooh." "I could listen to "semi-charmed life"" " 50 or 60 times." " More." "Please, let me do it?" " Just this once?" " I'd miss it too much." " Please?" " No..." " Please?" " I don't think..." " Please?" " Mm..." "Please?" "Please, please, please, please, please?" "Okay." "But you owe me big-time." "Big-time." "Are you disappointed in me?" "No, I am incredibly turned on." "Is that weird?" "Yeah." "But I get it." "Excuse me." "Ms. Porsche?" "As you know, I've been having some trouble with my driving." "I don't know who you are." "I'm Amber Weaver." "I'm in your driver's ed class." "I'm Ms. Porsche." "Porsche, like the car." " Not like the les..." " We've done this." " But I am a lesbian." " That's a great catchphrase." "Um, but seriously, I was wondering if maybe you could slow down when you explain things so I could learn to drive?" "Did we try "kapow, bam, drive, go"?" "We did." "It did not work." "Okay." "Maybe we should try, "kazam, boom, drive, go."" "I'd like my money back." "This is weird." "Why do I feel weird?" "Because I don't have to pick up the kids." "This is what ing relaxed feels like." "I could have a Margarita." "Hold on a second." "Or come right in." "Greetings, Debbie Weaver." "My mother is M.I.A., the Weaver children occupied, and I, Dick Butkus, am the cheese." "You're the what?" "Â™º Heigh-ho the derry-o â™º the cheese stands alone" "Say something or he's gonna sing more." "No, I won't." "My God, can he..." "Read your mind?" "Only when your hair is up." "All right, the cheese is leaving... alone." "Dick, wait." "I, uh..." "I guess we could spend a lazy afternoon together." "I was about to watch a bunch of "revenge" I have dvr'd." "Ooh." "I love that show." "There's so much..." "Revenge in it." "Let's get 'er goin'!" "Â™º Kumbaya, my lord â™º God hates cars" "All right, Larry, enough, okay?" "Everyone knows that this is just a front because you're bad at driving." "How dare you say that?" "In front of these people, who are prepared to die in order to protect the environment?" " I don't want to die." " I'm too young to die." "Sorry, boss." "I'm out." "Maybe I'll protest more tomorrow." "Where are you all going?" "Come back here, you traitors!" "What do we hate?" "Cars." "Why do we hate them?" "Because they're stupid and impossible to drive, and everyone... does it better than me." "I'm such a loser." "Are you absolutely sure the baby's yours?" "Why doesn't Emily just tell Jack who she really is?" "They're meant to be together." "Amen, Dick." "This is great." "I never have anyone to watch nighttime soaps with." "I'm your man, lady friend." "I needed this." " What's wrong?" " I'm panicking." "You?" "I'm sulking." "I'm a terrible driver." "I am, too." "Don't tell anyone, but that's what my protest was all about." " Yeah, everyone knows." " Really?" "Don't think anyone had any lingering doubts that maybe it was partially about the environment?" "No." "You're very transparent." "All the other kids in my class are doing better than me." "Jackie's a regular Danica Mckellar." "You mean Danica Patrick." "Danica Mckellar played Winnie Cooper on "The wonder years."" "I know that." "She strikes me as the sort of woman who'd be good at anything." "Say, why don't you and I practice driving together, just the two of us?" "No pressure." "I'm listening." "Meet me at 2:00 A.M. outside." "We'll take the minivan and go for a spin." " Deal?" " Deal." "Amber, would you describe us as two unlikely best friends?" "No." "We're more like two neighbors who can't drive." "Yes." "That's how I'd describe us, too." "I'm just making sure we're on the same page." "Okay, so the "v" is on a triple letter score, which is 26 points." "You're delightful." "You're mean!" "You are!" "I hated every second of that!" "Everything okay?" "You tricked me, Debbie Weaver." "I sat in traffic for hours while Max "practiced his farting."" "And Abby walked me through the entire first season of "Spongebob squarepants."" "The second season is when it really..." "I listened to "semi-charmed life" 74 times." "I'm completely burnt out." "Which means that I now have zero songs that I like." " I'm sorry..." " Zet!" "Dick, let's go." "But, mother, after this game, we were gonna set up the elliptical machine" "Debbie bought six months ago." "You've been taking advantage of my son's excellent female companionship." "Only I can do that." "Enjoy your bad children." "And your chicken." "Um..." "Ahem." "They were out of the herbed, but I got that last Rosemary." "Hope that's okay." "It is." "Thank you." "Good." "I was worried." "Good night!" "Come on." "Fine." "Bye, Dick." "Okay." "Now easy." "Easy." "You're doing great." " I am." "I'm doing it." " Yeah." "Okay, now just hit the brake pedal." "What's a pedal?" "I forget English when I'm stressed!" "Pedal!" "It's okay." "We're okay." "It's not that bad." "Amber, how could you crash the car?" "I didn't." "Larry, tell them." "Yeah." "It was Amber." " I begged her to stop..." " Larry." "Fine." "It was me." "I crashed the car." "I was practicing driving, okay?" "Are you happy now?" "Okay, so you admit you weren't protesting cars to save the environment?" "I'm sorry, Marty." "I will pay for the damage, as money is no object to me." "Well, thank you." "For the first part." "The second part was an unnecessary and infuriating detail." "And if the offer still stands," "I'd very much appreciate your help in teaching me how to drive." "Well, I guess I could do that." "And since I've come clean, is there anyone else here, inspired by my display of commendable honesty, who'd like to make a confession of her own?" "Nope." "Everyone else is good." "Great." "Let's all go back to bed." "Good night, Jackie." "Why don't you just tell them the truth?" "That you're having trouble in driver's ed and you need their help?" "Because I'm not 4 years old." "I'm not gonna run to my daddy for help." "Amber, when I first started school," "I had to ask you for help a thousand times a day." "With my fashion, my slang." "With my cool guy walk." "The walk still needs work." "I don't think so." "Maybe you thought it was lame that I needed so much of your help, but..." "I just... felt lucky to have you." "It's not a crutch to have people want to help you, Amber." "It's a gift." "Thank you, Reggie." "Okay." "Well, good night." "Jackie, I know it's late." "Are you here to convince me that washing your family's dishes would be like a splashy ocean adventure?" "Jackie, I'm so sorry." "It's just that I got so jealous of your lazy afternoons that I tricked you into driving around my kids." "Everybody needs help sometimes, Debbie Weaver." "Now that I have a license, if you need me to pick up your kids once in a while, just ask." "That's what neighbors do." "Jackie, I have to be honest with you." "That's not what neighbors do." "They go through your mail." "They steal your wi-fi." "Well, you've got good neighbors now." "Yes, we do, and speaking of that, if you need someone to watch Dick" " or hang out..." " Don't push it." "Sorry." "He really gets me." "He's a woman's best friend." "Well, luckily, it's just the bumper, so it shouldn't be too expensive." "I need you to teach me how to drive." "What?" "I'm failing driver's ed." "My teacher is a total psycho." "I can't drive, like, at all." "Aw, baby, why didn't you tell me?" "Because of that." "Because of "baby!"" "You know, every time I do something that teenagers do, like get a boyfriend or learn how to drive," " you freak out." " Amber..." "Listen." "I'm not a little girl anymore." "I am getting my license." "So I need you to help me, and I need you to treat me like an adult, and I need you to start tomorrow." "Okay?" "Yeah, okay." "You know, we were 25 years old when we found out we were having you?" "We had just decided that getting a cat was too much responsibility, and we found out we were getting a baby." " I was an accident?" " Do that math." "You're eight years older than Max." "Let's just say that your mother and I should not drink long island iced teas." "You know, because it makes her a little..." " Amorous..." " Got it." "Thank you." "Look, I was 25 years old, and my entire life was turned upside-down, and it was the best thing that ever happened to me." "Look, I know you're getting older." "Rationally, I know that." "But here's the thing... you are the baby that changed my entire life, Amber." "So if I get, you know, too "baby" with you, well, now, at least you know where that comes from." "All right?" "Go ahead." " Can I, please?" " Yeah." "Thank you." " That's enough." " Okay." "Okay." "Go to bed." "We're getting up bright and early." "7:00 a.m. driving lessons." "No excuses." "Dad." "What?" "I'm really happy you and mom got wasted that night." "Yeah, me, too." "You've lasted much longer than a cat." "Max!" "Â™º I want something else I want something else â™º to get me through this" " â™º life, baby" " Abby!" "Â™º I want something else â™º not listening when you say" "Dick!" " Â™º Good-bye - â™º Hello" "Dick." "Â™º Good-bye" "Dick, come on." "Come on." "Come on." " Â™º Good-bye - â™º Good-bye-ay-ay" "Okay." "It's okay." "Everybody." "Â™º do do do do do-do do â™º do do do do do-do do â™º do do do do do-do do â™º do do do do do-do do" "I could never burn out on you, "semi-charmed life.""