"# You must remember this" "#A kiss is still a kiss" "#A sigh is just a sigh" "# The fundamental things apply" "#As time goes by #" " Postman Pat's been" " In his little red van?" " No, he's got a soppy trolley with big wheels" " Not the same, is it?" "Nothing's the same I mean, look at all this lot" "Did I ask for it?" "Did you ask for it?" "Did these people ask our permission to send us all this?" " No, so we have to wade through it every morning" " Well, that's hardly wading through it" "At least have a look There might be something interesting, something piquant" " Piquant?" " Yes" " I mean, for instance, would you like a stair lift?" " No, I would not" "Oh!" "They come in a choice of three colours I see you in maroon" "Now, let's see Oh!" "So much for your wading through it, you threw away a postcard from America" " Oh, how sweet It's from Lillian Stevens" " Is it?" " You don't know who that is, do you?" " Yes, I do She's American" " And?" " And it was very nice of her to send us a card" "Lillian Stevens, that nice lady we met in Los Angeles" "Yeah, I know that" " Very tall" " No" " Long black hair" " No" " She wore very tight leather trousers" " No, she didn't!" " You sure?" " I'm positive" " Well, somebody did" " Yes, well, obviously somebody did" "Anyway, Lillian, the real Lillian, sends you her love" "Thank you" "(DOORBELL RINGING)" "(JEAN SIGHING)" "Lillian also says that if you're thinking of a stair lift, get one in maroon" " Oh, hello" " Hello" "Harry, where have you been hiding?" "It's a silly question to ask a policeman, isn't it?" "I've been pretty busy, actually, studying for my sergeant's exams" "Oh Sandy's very well" " Good" " I just thought I'd tell you" " Is Sandy in, being Saturday?" " No, she's out with Judy" "Oh, right Well" "Oh, no, come in anyway Lionel would like to see you" "Oh, why?" "Well, not specifically, just generally Come in and say hello" " Well, how did the exams go?" " Pretty well I passed" "I'm a sergeant now Well, detective sergeant, CID" "Really?" "Oh, well done Sandy will be proud" " Will she?" " Of course she will" "Oh, she'll be ever so proud" " Lionel, look, it's Harry" " Harry?" " Oh yes, Harry How are you?" " Very well, sir Thank you" " Not "sir", please" " Oh, sorry" " Oh, are you thinking of getting a stair lift?" " No, I am not" " Harry's in plain clothes" " So he is" "No, I mean officially He's a detective sergeant now" " Is he?" " Yes" " He's come to see Sandy" " She's out" "Well, we know she's out, but Harry wasn't to know that, was he?" "Well, he is a detective" " Sit down, Harry Would you like a coffee?" " Oh, no, thanks" "I wouldn't mind another one" "Sandy's very well" " Yes, you said" " Oh, yes, so I did" "She'll be back very soon" " They're shopping They could be hours, days" " No, they couldn't" "I expect you want to tell her your news" "Yes, but not just the promotion There's some other news" " Bigger" " Bigger?" "Yeah, sort of crossroads, really Do you, don't you?" " I see" " I think I will have another coffee" " Well, I expect you'd like to talk it over" " Yes, yes I need to do that" " Yes, of course you do Of course you do" " We're running low on sugar" "Well, we're here and we're very fond of you" "So if you'd like to talk it over, well, we're here" "Well, that's very kind of you, but it's Sandy I really need to speak to" " She should be the first to know" " Well, of course Yes, of course" "(SIGHING)" "(INAUDIBLE)" " How's the rugby going, Harry?" " Oh" ""How's the rugby going"?" "Look, the boy's got something to tell Sandy, not us" "Oh, well, if you're going to take that attitude" " You always take that attitude" " I am by nature a noninterventionist" "Well, I'm not intervening I just want to know what's going on" "Well, the only concrete fact we have is that Harry's moved to outside centre this season, and I don't think he'd want to tell Sandy that" " Hello, hello!" " Oh, Sandy?" " Yes?" " Harry called round" " Harry?" " Yes He says he's got something to tell you" "Oh" " You don't seem very excited" " Well, I haven't seen him for ages" " What did he want to tell me?" " Well, he didn't say" "Not that we asked" "But he says it's important He says it's very important" "Well, if it's that important, why on earth didn't he wait?" "Well, because he had to go" " Ah, he's probably got a rugby match on" " Well, it is Saturday" "Look, he did not mention rugby" "I expect he's got to detect something" " What?" " Well, he's a detective sergeant now" "Hmm" " And he still wants to see you very desperately" " Did he actually say "desperately"?" "Well, he didn't actually say it, but you could see it in his face, couldn't you, Lionel?" "Could you, Lionel?" "I've never really been good with faces" " But he does want to see you" " Desperately" "I thought you said Bolivia" "Oh, you did?" " Alistair, what are you doing in Bolivia?" " I'm re..." " Re-what?" " Regrouping." "Regrouping?" "Look, you keep on breaking up" "(KNOCKING ON DOOR)" "Just a minute Come in" "This one's yours Oh, sorry" "No, it's all right I can only hear every other word here anyway" "Alistair" "What?" "Yes, why don't you do that?" "Hasta la vista to you, too" "Bye!" " He's in Bolivia" " Should I ask why?" "Regrouping That's what he said What does that actually mean?" "Well, I don't know Well, sort of getting his act together, I suppose" "Making money That's what he means, isn't it?" " You make it sound like gun-running" " Do I?" "Well, I just wish he would stop" "I mean, it's like having a relationship with a jumping bean" "Talking of relationships," "Harry called round when we were out" " Harry?" " Hmm" " Do you miss him?" " Sometimes" "Well, not all the time, but Yeah, sometimes I really do" "I miss him being kind" "I miss him hardly ever finding the right words for what he wants to say" "The times when we didn't need words at all" "Then I think of him packing his bloody rugby kit and disappearing all the time, and I don't miss him one bit" "Did you know that the capital of Bolivia is La Paz and Sucre?" " Of course" " The second official language is Quechua" "Well, everyone knows that" " I suppose you speak it" " Fluently" "I suppose this interest in Bolivia has something to do with Alistair being there" "Well, you like to know, don't you?" "I'd like to know what it is that Harry wants to tell Sandy" "He wants to tell her about his promotion, I expect" "But he told us that" "So he did Well, we'll just have to wait and see" " What if he wants to marry her?" " (SCOFFING) That's not news, is it?" "Not news?" "No, I mean, Harry said he had some news for Sandy" "Proposing is a question" "You don't say, "I've got some news We're going to get married," do you?" "Not unless you're on terribly firm ground, I suppose" " Which they're not" " Which they're not" "(DOORBELL RINGING)" "Oh, for goodness sake!" "Are we the only people who go to bed in this country?" "That'll be Harry" " How do you know that?" " Well, detectives keep very strange hours" "It's a well-known fact I'll wake Sandy" "Shall we just make sure first?" "(DOORBELL RINGING)" "LIONEL:" "Yes, yes, yes!" "Don't open the door It could be anyone" " But you just said" " No, just have a look first" "(GASPS)" " What is it?" " Eyes" "Oh" "Li, hombre!" "You're in Bolivia" " Alistair?" " Jean, hombre!" "You're in Bolivia" "I hate to argue with major-league people, but I am here" "But you only phoned Judy a few hours ago Even you can't travel that quickly" "No, no, no That was Glasgow My signal kept breaking up" "I was in Bolivia, that's what I said" "Well, that's sorted out Nice to see you, Alistair, good night" "Lionel!" "(JEAN SIGHING)" " Always the joker, eh, Li?" " I wasn't joking Do you know what time it is?" "Well, tell you the truth, I'm a bit out of sync with time at the moment" "I'm either eight hours behind or 14 hours in front" "Well, look, come in and sit down Would you like something to eat?" "Oh, well No thanks, I had supper in Glasgow, or was that breakfast in Monaco?" "I was in Monaco before Glasgow I'm sure I was" "I think I'll make a cup of tea" "Isn't this great?" "I mean, here I am, back in the bosom of the land that bore me with two of my favourite human beings" " What's going on?" " Three of my favourite human beings" "Sorry" " I thought you were in Bolivia" " No, let me explain that" "Oh, on the whole, Alistair, no, thank you" " Sandy, is Judy awake?" " Not if she's got any sense, no" " What's going on?" " Him Good night" "Hey, hey Don't you look a million dollars?" "No You said you were in Bolivia" "I really must get a fifth-generation mobile Was, was!" " Well, I think Judy would like to know why" " Well Cheers, Li" " Oh, thanks, Lionel" " Thanks, Lionel You are a love" " Where was I?" " Bolivia" " I think I'll go back to bed" " No, no, no, no Come on, sit" "Okay, okay" "Cutting through the husk to the pith," "Alistair Deacon is back" "Well, I don't mean here I mean there!" " I'm a player again" " What's he talking about?" " Well, it's obvious" " Money" " Money" " Right" "You know how things have been I mean, I was down I mean down" " To your last million" " Exactly And" " Don't go, Jean and Lionel" " No, we weren't going" "Because I want you to hear this as well" "I'm ready for the magic moment The big M" "Alistair Deacon is ready for marriage" "Yeah To Judy" "You're ready for marriage because you're back up there?" " Because you're a player again?" " Right" "Wrong" "(KNOCKING ON DOOR)" "I'm asleep" "You used to say that when you were a little girl" "Yes, well, I've really matured, haven't I?" "Look All this tearing round the world, these weird meetings with weird people," "Alistair is doing it for you" "Yes, I know, but I don't want him to" "If I get married again, I want it to be to someone who's there, not someone on the end of a mobile about 15 time zones away" "And don't tell me that this latest venture has got anything to do with publishing" "No, I wasn't going to" "Look, when he was down, his version of down, he was like a real person" "If that person had asked me to marry him" "Oh, well, what's he reverted to?" "He's like a mad battery toy whose battery never runs down" " Lionel isn't like that" " No, he's not He's more of the wind-up model" " I'm proud of you, you know" " Well, what on earth for?" "Well, it's a rare woman who wants her fella to make less money" "Well, maybe ex-fella I mean, Alistair's not noted for his attention span" "He's probably on the phone to Miss Bolivia right now" "Anyway" "Anyway" " Good night, love" " Good night, Mum" "Oh, don't wake Lionel" "Oh, no Bless his cotton socks, he's got this thing about staying awake until I'm in bed, too" "(JEAN CHUCKLING)" "(SIGHING)" "Now not only am I worried about Sandy, but I'm worried about Judy" "(SNORING)" "JEAN:" "Thank you very much for coming" " Goodbye" " Bye" "Jean?" "Jean!" "Why are you back so soon?" "You said you'd be longer than that" " Longer than what?" " Than you were" "What were the police doing here?" " They called round" " Why?" " Because I asked them to" " Why?" "Because I reported a prowler" " You didn't say anything to me about a prowler" " Oh, didn't I?" "Look, would you come out of there, please?" "First, you're messing about with that cupboard, which you always do in times of stress" "I'm not messing about with it I'm rationalising it" "Which means taking everything out and putting it all back again" "And secondly, I can't believe I'm saying this, you invent a prowler in order to get the police round in the hope that the police will be represented by Harry?" "Well?" "You think you're very clever sometimes, don't you?" "Not especially, but I do know that I'm not given to fits of temporary insanity" "That was a very dangerous thing to do" "You could lock somebody in a cupboard and they could suffocate" "I was thinking of scrambling some eggs to go with your scrambled brains" "Look, it was a spur-of-the-moment thing" "I didn't have Harry's home number so I thought" "Well, I thought I'd phone him at the station" "And do something simple like ask to speak to him?" "Yes, but then I suddenly thought, well, what on earth do I say?" ""Hello, Harry, what is it you want to tell Sandy?" Well, I couldn't say that, could I?" "No, I suppose not" " Did you ask for him by name?" " No, of course not!" "I did suggest it was a job for a detective sergeant" " Naturally" " So they sent the two constables instead" "Both nice lads One of them, Tony, plays in a country and western band" "Does he really?" " I suppose you think this is very funny" " No, almost tragic" "(PHONE RINGING)" "Oh, I'll get it" "Hello?" "Oh, Harry!" "(WHISPERING) It's Harry" "Oh, you heard Yes, it was a frightening business" "Yes Oh, my description?" "Well, it's a bit vague I mean, I didn't really get a good look at him" "Yes, I'm sure you will" "Yes, and, Harry, while you're on the phone, I was wondering if" "Oh, no Of course, of course, yes Goodbye" "He had to go" " What?" " You gave the police a description of this nonexistent prowler?" "Well, they asked It was very vague" "(DOOR CLOSING)" "SANDY:" "It's only me!" "You know that the penalty for wasting police time is 99 years' hard labour?" " Well, at least I got to talk to Harry" " Yes, so you did A shame he had to go" "Hi" " Oh, hello, Sandy Are you all right?" " Yes, fine" "I just came home to change" "Suddenly remembered I've got a business lunch and, well" " This won't do, will it?" " Not really" "Why not?" " Anyway, I'll just go" " Look, Sandy, before you go," "I've just been talking to Harry on the phone" " Harry?" " Yes He sends his love" "Says how much he's missing you and he'll be in touch soon, but he's been very busy, so he'll see you soon" " And you've just been talking to him?" " Yes, just a minute ago" " Then why would he say all that?" " Well, because he's very fond of you" "He phoned me at work an hour ago" " I'm seeing him tonight" " Good" "So, what's going on?" "Do you mind if I ask you a question?" " Help yourself" " Okay" "You're a woman, right?" "No, I'm not" "Stretch the mind Imagine you're a woman" "Try my best" " Right, so" " Am I attractive?" "Very You've got, er, dark brown hair, beautiful big eyes, a smile that lights up a room and these lovely little dimples" "Where?" "On your cheeks Get the picture?" "Quite fancy meself" " Now, I ask you to marry me, okay" " This isn't the first date, is it?" "No, no, no, no" "Now, bear in mind that I have practically circumnavigated the globe to get it right, to make sure that you have everything you could possibly want" "What do you say?" " Yeah I accept - 'Cause it shows that I care, right?" "No, because I might be pretty, but there's no guarantee I'll keep my looks forever, is there?" " I'll have the same again" " Right" "But you know where I'm coming from, right?" "I mean, you must have been in love yourself" "No, not me, mate I'm married" "(MOBILE RINGING)" "Alistair Deacon" "Hey, hey, lovely lady" "Me?" "Well, I might just be in a "set 'em up, Joe" sort of a mood" "Well, you know, the song Frank Sinatra" "# It's quarter to three" "# There's no one in the place except you and me #" "What?" "No, no, that's the barman" "Well, yes, I suppose he has She says you have a nice voice" "Thank you very much The girl with the dimples?" "No, it's her mother" "Convince her, Alistair You've just got to convince her" "Look, I've got to go now, but remember what I said" " Yes, bye" " Old Mother Hubbard, I presume" " Look, I'm just making a phone call" " From a cupboard?" "Well, people make phone calls from all sorts of places these days" "Why can't you let people just sort things out for themselves?" "Because they can't" "(DOORBELL RINGING)" "That'll be Harry" " Oh, come in, Harry" " Thanks" " Good evening, sir Lionel" " Hello, Harry" "You go in and sit down I'll give Sandy a shout" " Right" " Sandy!" "Incidentally, Harry, any luck with this prowler business?" "Not from what I hear, no I mean, to be honest, there's not really a lot to go on, you see" " No, there isn't, is there?" " You just go in and sit down" "I'll give her a shout again Sandy!" "Thank you for that" "I'm just civic-minded, that's all" " Harry's here" " Yes, I guessed that" "Is that what you're wearing?" " What's wrong with it?" " Well, nothing, but Harry's here" "(SIGHING)" "(COUGHING)" "Oh, all right, all right" " Oh, you look terrific" " Oh, I should have dressed up" "No, you don't need to be dressed up for me You look terrific anyway" "You always did" " So, how's the rugby?" " Oh, great" "Yeah, I've moved to outside centre this year and it really suits my" " You never did like rugby, did you?" " Not really, no" " Jean said you had some news" " Yes" "I'm going to Canada" " Oh, that's nice A holiday?" " No, to work" "I've been offered the chance of an attachment to the RCMP" " The Mounties" " For a year" "Don't think I'll get a horse" " A year" " Yeah" "See, I wanted to tell you because" "Well, I didn't want to just disappear" "No" " Thank you" " It's a great opportunity" "Yes Yes, of course it is" "Well, let's Let's go out and have that drink, then, shall we?" "Good idea" " A sort of farewell drink, I suppose" " Well, it doesn't have to be" " Why is that?" " I'm not going for a few weeks" " Oh!" " Oh!" "Sorry Just wondered if Harry would like an apple" "An apple?" "No, no, thanks all the same We're just going to go out for a drink" " Oh, excellent Celebration?" " Yes, sort of" "Harry's going to Canada on attachment For a year" "Oh, is he?" " And" " No That's it, really" " See you later" " HARRY:" "Bye" "You're turning transparency into an art form" "Harry's going on attachment to Canada for a year, whatever that means" "The Royal Canadian Mounted Police, I suppose" "He won't have to wear one of those silly hats, will he?" " Is that all you can say?" " Offhand, yes" " He didn't ask Sandy to go with him" " Oh" " Well, wouldn't you?" " I can't see the Mounties wanting me" " No lf, if!" " All right, then" "If I were young and single" " and hadn't met you" " Oh, thank you" "I'd gallop up on my horse, in my red coat and silly scout's hat, throw Sandy across my pommel and gallop off" "Well, there you are, then What's wrong with the What's a pommel, anyway?" "Part of a saddle" "Anyway, women get thrown across them in all the best books" " Your reading leaves a lot to be desired" " Well, it was only an illustration" "Well, anyway, that's what he should be doing or its equivalent What's he doing?" "Nothing" "You can't manufacture happy endings for everybody, you know" " Well, why not?" "We had one" " What do you mean, "had"?" "We're still having it" "Oh, yes How nice" "What about Sandy?" "What about Judy?" " What about Judy?" " Oh, would you like an apple?" " No, thanks What about Judy?" " Your mother wants some happy endings" "Yeah, well, don't we all Anyway, so what was Harry's news?" "He's going on attachment to Canada and he's going alone" "Royal Canadian Mounted Police" "Lionel says he should ride up, throw Sandy across his pommel" " Across his what?" " His pommel, that's part of the saddle" "And gallop off with her" " Not really Harry's style, though, is it?" " No" " I remember Alistair turned up on a horse once" " Yes, so he did" "He was wearing a suit of armour He squeaked" "(DOORBELL RINGING)" "Sandy's had a row with Harry and she's back" " Sandy has a key" " Oh" " Hi, Li!" " Hello, Alistair, come in" " It's Alistair Don't run off" " No, I wasn't going to" "People, I'm in a mood to blow some minds" "(MOBILE RINGING)" "Oh, your mobile's ringing" "And that's just an example Judy, I need you in the garden" " No Why?" " Please Jean?" "Well, if you want to go into the garden, go into the garden" "No, I meant for you to come into the garden, too, and Li" " Why?" " Oh, don't be a spoilsport" "Look, it's cold out there" "Yes, it is Look, Alistair, if you've got something to say, just say it in here" "Okay" "Whatever" "I shall need a bin and some matches" " Why?" " Don't keep saying "why" This is exciting" "Why?" "A bin and some matches, right" " It is exciting, isn't it?" " I'd sooner not rush to a judgement" "(MOBILE RINGING)" "Oh, it's still alive" "(RINGING FADES)" "You've got to hand it to the Swedes" " Is this going to be some sort of conjuring trick?" " Shh!" "Shh, Li!" "In a funny sort of a way, Li, it might be" "Judy, I want you to marry me" "I know you said no the last time, but that was almost in another age" " It was four days ago" " Whatever Anyway," "I've realised I got it wrong I've had it wrong for a long time" "You see, when I was broke, well, almost broke, you" "Well, you always found time to, I don't know, like me" " Well, of course I did" " But I couldn't quite believe it, you see" "Contrary to world opinion, I don't think I'm worth very much as a person" "I've always thought that I was just worth whatever I was worth" "Does this make any sense?" " Look, you don't really need us" " Yes, of course he does" "Judy, I've been chasing the big bucks for you, and I've finally realised that you don't want them" "All I hope is that you still want the stupid four-eyed twit who's been chasing them because he loves you" " Bin, please, Lionel" " Bin, Alistair" " Matches, please, Lionel" " Matches, Alistair Is it a conjuring trick?" "(SHUSHING)" "Bolivia Athens Glasgow" "Monaco" "These are the contracts that will help set up superdeaccom, which will make the big bucks" "But if you don't want them, Judy, I don't want them, either" " All I want is that you should marry me" " Oh!" " I'll take that as a yes" " Yes" "Yes!" "Well, we don't want to throw money away just for the sake of it" "Coffee's ready" "I said you'd just put it all back What happened to rationalisation?" "Well, I don't have to rationalise it now Judy's getting married" "Oh, I see" "ALISTAIR:" "I'll bring the car round I'm parked just round the corner" " Oh!" " Hasta la vista, Mom and Pop-in-law" ""Pop-in-law"?" " We're going out to eat" " I'm so pleased for you, love" " Thanks, Mum" " So am I" "Except" " Except what?" " No "except" No, he didn't mean "except" at all" "No, I'm afraid I did" "I want you to be happy, Judy, but, erm, I have to say this" "Alistair's grand gesture with those contracts" "A small voice in my brain keeps saying, "Were they real contracts or just bits of paper?"" " Lionel" " No, no, no It's all right, because a small voice in my brain kept saying the same thing, but I could hardly get down on my hands and knees and spoil the moment by reading them, could I?" "Either way, it doesn't matter" "Because somewhere in all that the real Alistair said the right thing" " Bye" " Bye" "Bye" "Oh, I found some photos of us in Los Angeles" " When we stormed American television?" " Virtually, yes" " Look" " I don't think I want to relive that experience" " No look, it's Lillian Stevens" " Who?" "That lady we met over there who sent us the card the other day" "The one you described as being tall with long black hair and tight leather trousers" " That's not the woman I meant" " No Obviously" "Funny how the mind plays tricks, isn't it?" "I could have sworn I was describing Lillian Stevens" "Yes" "Who were you describing?" " Coffee?" " Lionel" "Lionel!" "# You must remember this" "#A kiss is still a kiss" "#A sigh is just a sigh" "# The fundamental things apply" "#As time goes by" "#And when two lovers woo" "# They still say, "I love you"" "# On that you can rely" "# The world will always welcome lovers" "#As time goes by #"