"And the weekend officially begins..." "Now." "Dude, at least put on some shorts." "Hey, the boys gotta breathe." "Oh!" "Well, that's six more weeks of winter." "You'll have it by Wednesday." "Thank you." "How sweet is this?" "Maxim magazine just hired me to write an article about whether people in Manhattan still have one-night stands." "They asked you to write that?" "Do they know you've never had a one-night stand?" "I've had one-night stands." "Okay?" "My last three girlfrieiends started as one-night stands." "Dude, if you date the girl for five years afterward, you can't really call it a one-night stand." "Face it." "You're always in a relationship." "You're a serial monogamist." "Hey, I'm a child of divorce." "Okay?" "Boo-freaking-hoo." ""I'm a child of divorce." "And my therapist says that I seek stability through relationships."" "Fine, fine." "You go ahead and make fun." "I guess I'll just find three other guys to go with me tonight to" "New York's hottest new club." " Oh, you're going to Edge?" " No." " Spark?" " No." " Cube." " No." " Acid?" " You've got it." "Oh, sweet!" "I mean, it's no Edge, Spark, or Cube, but it's pretty hot." "Are you kidding, man?" "That place is like a crayon box of supermodels." "And Maxim got us on the VIP list." "Did you hear that, boys?" "We are going to the dance" "Some lucky lady is gonna get herself a slice of Barry pie." "It's really more of a shortbread." "Sharon, what are you doing here?" "I've got an emergency." "I need your help." "What's your emergency?" "I'm getting a procedure done at the hospital involving my... h-o-o-h-a-h." "Your hoo-hah?" "Please!" "Not in front of the girls." "Anyway, it's just for the night." "Could you please watch the twins?" "Sharon, we broke up!" "Okay?" "I haven't seen you or your hoo-hah in weeks." "Why me?" "Because I've got no one else to turn to." "And because I trust you." "Well, I'm sorry." "I've got plans tonight." "Oh, you selfish son of a bitch!" "I ask you for one lousy favor before I go to the hospital to get my uterus scraped." "God forbid you think of anyone but yourself." "Okay." "Thanks for stopping by." "It is always a pleasure." "Nice to see you." "I have to pee." "Me too." "Oh, well, would it be too much to ask to let my girls use your toilet?" "It's gonna be a long night of sitting in a waiting room staring a burn victims and cripples." "Fine." "Hmph." "Come on, girls." "Don't hold it in or you'll wind up like me." "Sorry about that, guys." "But don't worry." "Nothing is gonna get in the way of the greatest night ever." "Not crazy or her busted junk." "All right, guys." "Come on." "Suit up." "Tonight we all get a one-night stand." "Just to clarify." "Not the same one-night stand." "Unless that's the way it goes down." " Where's your mother?" " She left." "What are you talking about?" "She went down the fire escape." " Sucker." " No, no, no, no!" "Sharon!" "Oh, my God." "Look at this place." "There are like two girls for every girl." "All right." "Let's split off and do this thing, huh?" "Whoa!" "Hang on, soldier." "What's your plan of attack?" "What?" "I'm just gonna find a friendly face." "Go up and say, "Hello." "My name's Ben Wolf."" "We've gotta get him out of here." "No." "No, no." "He just needs to learn." "Rule number one of having a one-night stand." "You never, ever give 'em your last name." "From now on your name is just Ben." "Okay." "But what if they ask for my last name?" "If they ask, they're needy." "Move on." "Rule number two." "Understand the psychology of women." "Beautiful girls get complimented all the time, so it doesn't mean anything to them." "I devised a little strategy I like to call," ""Reel in, throw back."" "First, you build a girl up with a light compliment." "Then you buy it back with mild criticism." "It totally keeps them off-balance." "And it makes her want to win you over." "That--that can't possibly work." "Heh." "Oh, no?" "Hey, Bobby." "I like you hair." "Thanks, bro." "I washed it." "So, is that your real color?" "Yeah." "Why, does it look fake?" "Now if I wanted to, I could have sex with Bobby right now." "Don't listen to him." "With girls, it's all about the vibe." "You put out the vibe." "They put out the vibe." "When the vibes synch, the clothes practically take themselves off." "So "reel in, throw back."" "Yeah." "And just remember." "You're looking for a quickie." "Not the future Mrs. Wolf." "Mrs. Who?" "Well, there's two of them." "And they're about 70 pounds each." "Uh, yeah, they've probably had all their shots." "Okay, actually they're not dogs." "They're kids." "But I'll totally pay the ex" "Hello?" "Damn it." "Look, Lexi." "My shoe's bigger than his." "Hi." "You know, you have really pretty eyes." "Oh, yeah?" "Yeah." "Even the lazy one's pretty." "You feel that?" "That's vibe." "If you buy me a drink, I'll tell you more." "Can I have a word?" "I'll be right back, beautiful." "Unh." "Yeah, beautiful-ish." "What are you doing?" "I think it's called winning." "Winning?" "This isn't a competition." "Spoken like the loser." "You realize we're just here to help Ben with his article." "We're all supposed to hook up tonight." "Spoken like the loser." "You can say that all you want." "It doesn't" " Loser!" " Okay, it's on!" "Hi." "Hi." "I, uh," "I like your hair." "T hanks." "Is it real?" "What do you mean?" "Are you" "Are you asking me if I'm wearing a wig?" "Yes." "It's my real hair." "Oh, it's pretty." "No, it's really pretty." "It matches the fuzz on your lip." "I don't have any fuzz on my lip." "What are you doing?" "It's almost like you're complimenting me, but then you're trying to insult me." "Are you trying to make me feel insecure?" "You feel a vibe here?" "I'll see you." "Wait, wait, wait, wait." "I'm sorry." "Look." "I just broke up with my long-term girlfriend, and this is really not my scene." "You know, if I met you at a house warming party or an art opening, I'd be doing much better." "Look, can I buy you a drink?" "Sure." "I'll have a fuzzy navel." "To go with my lip." "Let's just stare at each other for like a minute and see what happens." "Starting now." "Oh, Bobby." "There you are." "Your wife called to say the contractions are five minutes apart." "Okay, here's the deal." "You guys are both 11 yeald." "And together that's 22." "So that's old enough to watch yourselves." "So, I'm gonna go out for a little while, and if anything happens" "Uh, the first three pages of the phone book should tell you how to handle most emergencies." "Don't eat all that at once." "Okay." "I'm out of here." "Isn't this gonna be fun, you guys?" "Here all alone." "It'll be an adventure." "It'll be like..." "Harry Potter and the Empty Apartment." "So in case you get cold, just have those." "And--All right." "I'm gonna lock the door." "Don't let anyone in." "Okay." "So, uh," "I'll see you soon." "Be good." "Would you go already?" "Can I help you?" "Huh?" "Oh, I'm a locksmith." "Okay." "You know if anybody's home there?" " Uh" " Never mind." "I'll find out in a minute." "Uh, sorry, my friend." "You are powerless to stop this one." "She doesn't speak English." "Oh, but love is the same in every language." "Oh, my God." "So you guys all live in your grandma's apartment?" "That's right." "So if you're into doilies or racially insensitive figurines, I'm your man." "Well, I will keep that in mind." "By the way, my name's Heather." "I'm Ben." "Ben Wolf." "Shut up." "What are you doing?" "I'm trying to sleep, but I can't 'cause you're in my bed." "Your bed smells like hair." "And ear medicine." "Well, then why don't you sleep on the floor?" "No." "Come on." "I can't sleep like this." "Should we do that thing?" "What thing?" "When our mom can't sleep, we sing to her." "Heh." "Well, that's not gonna work for me." "That's so beautiful." "Let's get to work." "Morning, lososer." "Morning, douche." "Just so you know," "I won last night." "What are you talking about?" "Neither of us went home with anyone." "Yeah, but I got a number." "Bam!" "Oh, did you?" "Well, so did I." "Ker-plow!" "Well, I'm calling mine right now." "Fine." "I am too." "Mine's a pizza place." "Mine's the morgue." "Ahem!" "Gentlemen." "Oh, my God." "He scored." "Look at him." "He's swaggering." "T hat's a post-sex swagger." "Well, let's just say" "I'll have plenty to write about in my article." "The one-night stand is alive and well." "Right on, bro." "Yeah, way to go." "Wait a minute." "You're scooping out the middle of the bagel." "He never scoops his bagels." "Why you scooping bagel, dude?" "She's still here, isn't she?" "So what if she is?" "Because it's after 12:00." "Checkout for a one-night stand is noon." "Don't worry, guys." "This bagel is to go." "It's a good-bye bagel." "Hey, guys." "Oh, thanks, B." "You're welcome, H." "You're doing it again." "I don't know what you're talking about." "You're turning this into a relationship, aren't you, B?" "This is not a relationship." "It's a one-night stand followed by a brief dinner at her grandfather's house in the Hamptons, overnight in Montauk, antiquing on the way back, and then it's, "See ya, bitch."" "Morning, ladies." "Hey, who brought home the giggly chick in the hall?" "I hate to break it to you, but she couldn't take her eyes off me." "Well, um..." "I guess you've got a look that women want." "The girl in the hall was Ben's." "Are you kidding me?" "Even Ben scored?" "Oh, I should've been at that bar." "I would've owned it!" "Actually, you might have done better at a different kind of bar." "Wait a minute." "It's after noon." "Why is she still here?" "Because Ben is marrying her forever." "All right!" "Okay." "Here's the thing." "I-I think I might like her." "O h!" "What?" "What?" "What is-- What is this?" "Stop!" "Look, she's funny and she's smart." "And we both like Ethiopian food." "Then move with her to Ethiopia, 'cause I'm not putting pants on every time your wife comes home." "Even if she was perfect for you, you don't need to be in another relationship right now." "You need to experience lots of different women." "All right." "Well, what if I'm not that kind of guy?" "All right?" "What if I don't need to date tons of women?" "Okay." "But you're at a point now where the next girl you do your routine with you might actually marry." "So you better be prepared to never wonder "what if."" "Otherwise you could wind up screwing around on your wife like your" " Hmm." "Like my what?" " Like your dad." "Yeah, dude." "You don't want to be like your dad." "Jason and Raggedy Ann are right." "I gotta call you back." "Okay." "Hey, who you talking to?" "It was a friend of mine." "So, funny story." "She's at the bar with me last night." "And she meets some loser, and she gives him the number to the morgue." "Look, um..." "Look, I don't think I can go with you to the Hamptons." "No worries." "Another time then." "Actually, I don't" "I don't think I can ever go with you to the Hamptons." "Wait a minute." "Are you trying to blow me off?" "Do you want this to be a one-night stand?" "Oh, my God." "You've never done this before." "Yes, I have." "Oh!" "This is so cute." "What?" "No, no!" "I've had plenty of one-night stands." "No, you haven't." "Oh!" "Tsk!" "Please!" "Please, okay." "My nickname in college was One-Night Stand Ben" "Wolf." "No." "I think that you're a one-night stand virgin." "Okay!" "I mean, where are you getting this from?" "See" "No, you're right." "Look, it's nothing to be ashamed of." "I think it's sweet." "So--so now what?" "I can't believe you lead me on, you arrogant, self-centered ass!" "Hey, you knew the score going into this, baby!" "God, you are amazing." "Thank you." "You're welcome." "See you, Ben Wolf." "See you, Heather" "Wait." "Actually, you never gave me your last name." "No, I didn't." "Poor thing." "She never saw it coming." "Yeah, but you did the right thing in blowing off that hot cool girl." "Yes." "Welcome to the world of men." "Who got lipstick on my mug?" "It's Mommy!" "What's so funny?" "Your face." "Good one." "That never gets old." "I'm back and all scraped out." "What the hell's all this?" "What?" "What's wrong with my face?" "See ya." "Sucker." "You owe me big time for this." "How's that?" "That is a start." "All right." "Come by tomorrow." "I'll do the rest."