"What is it today, sir?" "The Ministry." "All morning on Health service administration." "A chap just now on the radio said the trouble with health,education and transport is that people in Governmentgo to private hospitals and send their kidsto private schools." "Very good." "Comedy programme, was it?" "And go to workin chauffeur-driven cars." "Think there's something in it, sir?" "If you and Sir Humphreywent to work on a number 27..." "Quite impracticable!" "We work long enough hours as it is, without having to wait at bus stops." "You'd need more efficient buses." "Certainly would." "Yes, that's what he was saying." "Same with the Health Service." "You a member of BUPA, sir?" "Anything on the radio, Roy?"Yesterday in Parliament"." "Don't bother..." "Mr Lanford,opposition member for Birmingham, asked the AdministrativeAffairs Minister, James Hacker, about reducing administratorsin the Health Service." "We have already achieveda reduction of 11.3 % in administrative staff and are actively pursuingfurther economies." "Would you explainhow his assurance to the House squares with this minutefrom his own department?" "Then Mr Lanford dramaticallyproduced a paper." "I quote,"If admin staff were reclassified from administrativeto technical... and the comparison changedfrom the financial to calendar year, then the figures will showa fall of 11.3 %"." "Would the Minister care to commenton this shabby deception?" "Bit of a googly, sir." "I..." "I..." "I have no knowledge of the documentyou're brandishing." "I shall givethe file reference to the Minister in exchange for an assuranceof a full independent enquiry." "I will give that assurance." "The Houseread the Scottish Fisheries'Bill..." "That's a bit rough, innit?"A full independent enquiry"!" "You were dropped in it there." "I think I got away with it." "Lucky they didn't ask youabout that new hospital, sir." "Why?" "They finished it 15 months ago,and it's still got no patients." "The DHSS can't afford to staff it." "It's got staff, 500 administrators." "Just no patients." "Who told you?" "My mate Charlie,a driver for the Health Secretary." "I'm appalled!" "So am I." "The incompetence of it!" "I can't think what came over you." "I beg your pardon!" "A full independent enquiry." "Humphrey, that's not what I meant." "But you mentioned incompetence." "Yours, Humphrey, yours!" "Mine?" "You dropped me into it?" "We can't foresee a small omissionfrom the brief, but a full enquiry?" "I don'twant an enquiry, but ifyou're drowning and thrown a rope..." "That wasn't a rope, it was a noose!" "You should've stood upfor the department!" "I prepared thoroughlyfor yesterday's Question Time, but nowhere was the suggestionyou'd juggled the figures so I'd mislead the House." "You wanted the figures reduced?" "So we reduced the figures!" "Yes, but not the administrators." "Of course not." "That's not what I meant." "Minister, one isn't a mind-reader!" "You said reduce them, so we did." "And another thing:" "How did this get out?" "Another leak?" "This isn't a department,it's a colander!" "How can we govern responsibly, if back benchers get all the facts?" "The enquiry gives us some time." "So does a time-bomb." "Is there a disposal squad?" "Disposal squad?" "Couldn't we get the independentenquiry to exonerate us?" "Do you mean rig it?" "No, no, no, no!" "Well... yes." "Minister!" "It depends on who the chairman is." "He absolutely has to be sound." "Sound?" "He will knowwhat is required." "He will perceive the implications." "He will have a sympathetic insightinto the problems." "In short, he will be "sound"." "You mean... bent?" "No, of course not!" "He will be a manof broad understanding." "How about... a retired politician?" "And unimpeachable integrity." "Yes, I see what you mean." "A businessman?" "Oh, really!" "An academic?" "No, no, no." "Who've you got in mind?" "Perhaps a retired civil servant." "Good thinking, Humphrey." "Sir Maurice Williams." "Might not he be too independent?" "Well, he's hoping for a peerage." "Not through this?" "No, but the right findingwill earn him Brownie points!" "Brownie points?" "They all add up towards the badge!" "Well, Sir Maurice it is." "Thank you, Minister." "Thank you..." "Brown Owl." "Good morning, Bernard." "Two points, the Cuban refugees." "Not that again?" "It's about our refusalto do any more for them." "It's not my fault, it's the Treasury." "You can't beat the Treasury!" "I shall say nothing." "One more public humiliation and I'llbecome a political refugee myself." "And the other point?" "The alleged empty hospital." "As I warned you, the driver's networkis not wholly reliable." "Roy's wrong." "Thank heavens forthat!" "How did you find out?" "The private secretaries' network." "And?" "In fact, there are only 342administrative staff at the hospital." "The other 170 are porters, cleaners,laundry workers, cooks, etc." "And medical staff?" "Oh, none of them." "None?" "No!" "We are talkingabout St Edward's Hospital?" "Yes." "It's brand-new and fully-staffed." "Unfortunately, there were cutbacks, so there was no moneyfor medical services." "A hospital with over 500 non-medicalstaff and no patients?" "There's one patient." "One?" "The deputy administrator fell overscaffolding and broke his leg." "Good God!" "Thank heavens I wasn't askedabout this!" "Why hasn't it got out?" "It's been contrivedto look like a building site, and so far no one's realisedit's operational!" "You know, scaffolding, skips,the normal thing?" "Normal?" "I'd better look at itbefore the opposition does." "Yes, it's surprisingthe press haven't found out." "Fortunately, most journalistsare so incompetent, they wouldn't knowtoday is Wednesday." "It's actually Thursday, Minister." "Let's sit down there." "Why is your Minister interestedin this hospital?" "He's greatly concernedthat it has no patients." "It takes all sorts." "Yes." "Evening." "Good evening." "How can there be patientswhen it has no nursing staff?" "Thank you." "Splendid." "Sir Humphrey?" "Thank you." "We've found at the DHSSthat it takes time to get things going." "First of all, you have to sort out the smooth running of the hospital." "Having patients aroundwould be no help at all." "They'd just be in the way." "Tell him this is the run-in period." "Yes, yes, the run-in period." "How long is the run-in periodgoing to last?" "My Minister's agreedto an independent enquiry." "You knowwhat I think about that." "Yes, I know, but..." "We are going to getsome patients in to St Edward's... eventually?" "Aren't we?" "It's possible." "Certainly our present intention." "In a year or two." "Probably... when the financialsituation has eased up a bit." "Not till then?" "No" "How can I open 40 new wardswhen I'm closing everywhere else?" "Treasury wouldn't wear it." "My Minister may want to shut the place." "Impossible!" "What about the unions?" "Are the unions active there yet?" "Good point." "Remember that fire brand agitatorat Southwark Hospital?" "Billy Fraser, odious man." "Could be useful." "Time he was moved on." "The Health Service is an advancedcase of galloping bureaucracy!" "Oh, certainly not galloping!" "A gentle canterat the most." "Instances flood into this office." "From whom, Minister?" "MPs, constituents,doctors, nurses, the public." "Trouble makers!" "The public?" "They're the worst." "Listen to this." ""Stethoscope requisition:" "Due to current situation, it is not possible to issuethe extra stethoscopes applied for." "We can, however,supply longertubes for your existing stethoscopes"." "Well?" "Doesn't that strike you as odd?" "Lf they have long tubes..." "No, no." "No, not longer stethoscopes,MORE stethoscopes." "If they had really long tubes, the doctor could stand in one placeand listen to all the chests." "What about nurses' uniforms?" ""Apparently the latestconsignment of nurses' coats is made of a see-through material;nurses issued with these are requested to reportto the Directorof Uniform Surveillance, who will assessthe extent of the problem"." "Nice work if you can get it." "Humphrey, I'm serious!" ""Please note that the soft toiletrolls are for patients not staff." "It would appear that staff havebeen using the soft toilet rolls for one reason or another"." ""St Stephen's Mortuarywill be closed over Christmas." "During the holiday,medical staff are to cooperate in keeping pressureoff this department"." "A very civil and reasonable request." "You think the rest of the yeardoctors work hard to keep it busy?" "These are a few isolated examples." "The Health Service is as efficientas the Government allows it." "Nonsense!" "The figures speak for themselves." "In ten years, the number ofadministrators has risen by 40,000." "The number of hospital bedshas fallen by 60,000." "The annual cost of the HealthService has gone up by?" ".5 billion!" "If only British industrycould match this growth record." "You think spendingmore money on fewer patients so we can employmore administrators is a good way of spendingthe taxpayer's money?" "Certainly." "This money is solelyto make sick people better." "No, no, no, Minister." "It is to make everybody better." "Better for showing the extentof their care and compassion." "You see, when money is allocatedto the Health orSocial Services," "Parliament and the countryfeel... cleansed." "Purified." "Absolved." "It is a sacrifice." "Dreadful claptrap!" "After the sacrifice is made, nobody questionswhat happened to the offering." "The public does careif it's misspent." "They care it's not seento be misspent." "That's not true." "Look at the uproarover mental hospital scandals." "My point exactly." "Those abuses had been going onhappily for years." "Nobody was concernedwhat was being done with their money." "What outraged themwas being told." "A cynical smokescreen!" "Are we or are we not agreed there's no pointing a hospital run solelyforthe staff?" "That's not how I would express it." "It's how I would." "Indeed." "How would you express it?" "At the end of the day, one of a hospital's prime functionsis patient care." "One?" "Until we have the moneyfor nursing and medical staff, it's a function we can't pursue." "In 18 months orso... 18 months?" "We can open some wards." "No, it's got to be now." "I suppose we could forman inter-departmental committee to examine the feasibilityof monitoring a proposal for admitting patients earlier." "How long would that take to report?" "Not long." "How long?" "About 18 months." "I suggestwe get ridof all the staff there and use the money to openclosed wards in other hospitals." "When we can afford it, we openSt Edward's with medical staff." "Do that and you'll delaythe opening for patients for years." "Why?" "You talk as if the staffhave nothing to do!" "What do they do?" "Really, Minister!" "There's a large numberof extremely busy departments." "Firstly, the Contingency Departmentforfires, strikes, air raids, nuclearwar, epidemics,food or water poisoning." "In such a crisis, the hospitalis a key centre for survival." "Then, the Data and researchdepartment, conducting a full-scale demographicsurvey of the catchment area." "We have to anticipate the futurerequirements for maternity, geriatrics, paediatricsand the male/female balance." "Thirdly, there'sFinance projected accounts, balance sheetsand cash-flow budgets." "Then, the Purchasing Department for purchasing medical equipment, examining estimates, lookingat price lists and catalogues..." "Purchasing what?" "Everything, Minister." "Everything from brain scannersto Brasso!" "May I continue?" "Be briefer." "Would that I could, Minister,but you need to understand." "Fifth, the Technical Departmentfor evaluations." "Sixth, the Building Departmentdealing with Phase 3 plans, costing and so forth for the finalphase to be completed by 1994." "Then, there's Maintenance,Cleaning and Catering," "Personnel in charge of leave,National Health Insurance, salaries, as well as staff welfare officersto look after the 500 employees." "And finally, Administration." "Administrators!" "More administrators administratingother administrators!" "This is important work, Minister." "The typing pool, stationery,office furniture and equipment." "Liaison between departments." "Are you being serious ornot?" "What do you mean?" "There are NO patients!" "That is what a hospital's for." "Patients!" "Ill people!" "Healing the sick!" "But all these vital tasks mustbe done with or without patients." "Why?" "Why?" "Why?" "I don't understand." "How else can I express it?" "Why?" "Would you sack the armybecause there's no war?" "Completely different!" "A hospital must produce results." "We don't measure our successby results but by activity." "Those 500 peopleare seriously overworked." "The full establishmentshould be 650." "May I show you the paperwork?" "No, Humphrey." "Enough is enough." "Sack them!" "Out of the question, Minister." "We need administratorsor the hospital will never open." "Sack the ancillary staff." "The unions won'twear it." "Sack half and use the moneyto get doctors and nurses, and open some wards!" "No, Humphrey, that's my lastword." "My lastword!" "You may go!" "Very well, Minister." "I shall have a word with the unions." "But I don't hold out much hope." "Go!" "That seems to be everything." "Thank you forcoming." "Thank you very much." "Very good meeting." "Yes very good." "Got time fora drink?" "A quick one." "The usual?" "Make yourself at home." "Thank you." "What are we going to doabout St Edward's?" "St Edward's Hospital?" "Not much of a case." "Can't fight you on it." "What do you mean?" "We realise you can't keep ancillarystaff on in an empty hospital." "Isn't that a bit defeatist?" "What?" "Surely, you can stick up forthem?" "You want us to...?" "It's not just your workers, you know?" "The 342 civil servants must havesome workers to administer." "Civil servants are never laid off." "We live in disturbing times." "You mean, if we take industrialaction, you'll support us?" "My dear Brian,I am the Permanent Secretary." "My task is to turnthe wheels of government." "I couldn't possibly countenanceany such action." "But... if there wereeffective opposition from the ancillary workers, the civil servantswould have to stay." "And the Minister?" "The Ministerdoesn't knowhis ACAS from his NALGO." "I haven't got much of a case." "Hospital empty for 15 months,wards not open for another year." "Pull yourself together." "Think of yourmembers' wives and children." "Their... cats... budgies!" "They're resigned to it by now." "Is Billy Fraser resigned to it?" "Yes... but he's overat Southwark." "Do you want to bet?" "You mean...?" "Well, that's a different matter,with some real shop-floor militancy." "You see?" "Unity." "Solidarity." "Thanks for the drink." "Thank you, Brother." "Please give my kind regardsto our fraternal comrades." "We shall not,we shall not be moved!" "Minister, this is Mrs Rogers,the chief administrator." "Nice to meet you." "Billy Fraser, committee chairman." "Hownice to meet you." "I wouldn't be too sure." "This is 'F' ward." "And this is 'J' theatre." "Howmuch did all this cost?" "With radio therapy... two and a quartermillion." "It's appalling it's not used!" "No, a very good thing in some ways." "Prolongs its life,cuts down running costs." "But there are no patients!" "But essential work has to go on." "Aren't patients essential work?" "Running an organisationof 500 people is a big job." "But if they weren't here,they wouldn't be here!" "This is wrong." "It won't do." "Either get some patientsor I'll close it." "Well, in the course of time..." "Not in the course of time." "Now!" "Get rid of 300 staff, get somedoctors and get some patients!" "Without those 300 peoplethis hospital wouldn't function!" "And it's functioning now?" "Minister, it's one of the best-runhospitals in the country." "It's up fora Florence Nightingale Award." "What, pray, is that?"The Most Hygienic Hospital"." "I've said my last word. 300 staff must go." "300 jobs lost?" "Surgery with a skeleton staff?" "Don't do any surgery." "Do varicoseveins, piles..." "Do something!" "You mean 300 jobs lost?" "Yes, I do." "A hospital is a placefor healing of the sick!" "It's employment for my members,and you want to sack them." "Is that your compassionate society?" "Compassionate to patientsrather than your members!" "We'll come out on strike." "Very well, do that." "Who can it harm?" "Do, please!" "Strike, the sooner the better!" "Take the administrators with you." "Then we shan't have to pay you." "How about a drink before home?" "Yes." "Thank you, Minister." "That went well at the hospital." "Yes, Minister." "I wasn't standing any argument." "No, Minister." "Threatening to strike!" "Played right into my hands." "Cheers!" "Aren't we missing the news?" "Our diplomatic correspondentsays the US is pressuring the UK to take Cuban refugees." "The Governmenthas made no comment." "Got no money." "All workers in London hospitals are to go on strikeat Friday midnight." "Right..." "What?" "A row has blown upat St Edward's over the proposed laying-offof 170 ancillary workers." "We spoke to activist Billy Fraser." "We're strikingagainst unemployment." "We can bring London's hospitalsto a complete standstill." "There'll beno blood transfusions, no cancertreatment, nothing!" "Till we havethe compassionate society." "How can you do this to patients?" "It's Mr Hackerthat's doing it." "But you're inflicting terriblesanctions on the innocent public." "I'd like to take this opportunityto assure the general public, every stone will be left unturnedin a search for a settlement." "Have you seen the news?" "You said you'd talk to the unions!" "What are we going to do?" "We have a more serious problem." "Sir Maurice's independent enquiryabout the department." "It's unfavourable to us." "You said he was sound!" "I know, but he's also workingas chairman of the Refugee ResettlementCommittee." "There are more Brownie pointsfor refugees than enquiries!" "Precisely, Minister." "We've no moneyto re-house the refugees." "Minister?" "I don'twant to talk!" "It's Number 10..." "Hello, Ji..." "Yes." "Quite." "I see." "Not at all." "Thank you." "They've seen Fraser on the news." "They want a peace formula soon." "Sir Maurice says he'll be satisfied only if the UKwill house1,000 refugees." "Butwe haven't the money." "Or for 1,000 hospital beds..." "How many refugees?" "1,000." "1,000 refugees?" "1,000 beds!" "Minister, that hospital isfor sick British not healthy foreigners!" "There's a huge waiting list." "Didn't you just say" "Sir Maurice's enquiry was likelyto come down against us?" "That's a..." "That what you want?" "I see your point, Minister." "Bernard, reinstate all the workersat St Edward's." "Tell Sir Mauricewe can offer a new hospital, with accommodationfor 1,000 refugees." "Tell the press itwas my decisionand that everybody's happy." "Do want to give a quote, Minister?" "Why not?" "Say..." ""It was a tough decision,but a necessary one." "If Britain is to retainthe name of..." ""The compassionate society"?" "Thank you." ""The compassionate society".Got that?" "Yes, Minister."