"Hey!" "Hey, Arnold." " Is it Arnold?" "Hey, Arnold!" " Josh, I bought too many groceries." "And I didn't wanna call a taxi for such a short fare, and I didn't know what to do, so I took the trolley home." " You stole a trolley?" " Shut up, I didn't steal a trolley." "Well, this is..." "this is disappointing behaviour." "Listen, it was so loud and humiliating and awful." "When I got home, my dad said trolleys are all electric and trackable these days." " Well, that is just not true, is it?" " Isn't it?" "I don't know, he's my dad." "I'm used to trusting him." "Arnold's dad thinks trolleys are all electric and trackable." "No!" " Oh, but maybe." "Maybe." " He freaked out, then I freaked out." "And now I have to take it all the way back." " Tell him about the chickens!" " Arnold, just ditch it." " Just ditch the trolley." " No, I couldn't!" " Ditch it, Arnold!" " What if someone sees?" " No-one is looking at you." " They might look." "They could look." "Arnold, it'll be so invigorating!" "Just ditch it!" "Just stop walking, let go, and go home." " Have a bath!" " I can't, Josh." " I'm gonna count you in." " No!" "OK." "Yeah." "OK." " Five, four..." " Oh, God." " No, no." " Three, yes, two, one... (Rattling)" "Arnold, I can still hear it." "(Wheels rattle, dog barks)" " What's happening now?" " I left it!" "I'm running!" "I'm running!" "I left it!" "I'm running!" " You did it!" " Yes!" " Victory!" " I've never felt so alive!" "OK." " Done." " Done." "So, you didn't reply to any of my texts." "I decided to stop sending them because I was embarrassing myself." "No!" "I'm sorry!" "No, it's not you." "I just... had exams." " Invite him to see the chickens!" " What are you doing tonight?" "Panicking that the police will track the trolley." "And would you like to come over and look at our chickens?" "We're getting little baby chickens." "Tell him if he says no, I'll tell his dad what he's been up to." "But you told me you just wanna be friends, so maybe coming over to my house at night-time is not a great idea." "I don't know if I can." "I'm..." "OK, yeah, yeah." "I will come for dinner." "Yes!" "Well, it is going to be a depressing dinner for me, knowing you're sitting there wishing you could gay-kiss him, but you're not allowed." "One, two, one, two, three, four..." "♪ Yeah, I'll be fine, yeah ♪ ♪ Ooh ♪" "♪ Ooh ♪ ♪ Oh, yeah, yeah ♪" "♪ Ooh ♪ ♪ Oh, the good Lord knows it ♪" "♪ Ooh ♪ ♪ I left better behind ♪" "♪ I'll be fine, yeah, yeah ♪" "♪ Take my momma, turn another blind eye ♪" "♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪" "♪ I left better behind I'll be fine... ♪" " Thanks for dinner." " Oh, yeah." "Thanks... thanks for coming." "OK." " He left?" " Yeah." "Why would you agree to be just friends with him?" " I was just trying to be polite." " No-one wants to be friends!" " Everyone knows this, don't they?" " You're right, yeah." "I already have one friend and where did that get me?" " I won those Cirque du Soleil tickets!" " Exactly." "My feelings hurt." "Sorry." "Just did not realise you had feelings." "I'm having nightmares." "Is this an excuse to hang out because you feel rejected and alone?" " I had nightmares!" " What do you want me to do?" "I wanna sleep in here." " You can sleep on the floor." " OK." "Did your nightmares go?" "They've just been replaced by me being furious you wouldn't let me sleep in your bed." "Don't be ungrateful." "Not like you actually inconvenienced yourself for me." "Can't masturbate now because of you." "Were you going to?" "No, but you've taken away my freedom." "This... this right here, what we're doing here, is the loneliest thing I've ever done." "Sleeping with you is lonelier than being alone." "Go back to your room, then." "With all the monsters?" "No, thank you." "Don't you think Arnold's maybe a little bit annoying?" "No, obviously I don't think that." "I don't like him." "But that doesn't matter, 'cause I don't have to date him." "Oh, he's such a frightened little boy." "He's so fragile and insecure." "But, oh, look, you like him, and, you know, we can't choose who we like." "And he seems to like you." "And look, you know, we've all got issues, so maybe it's good for you to work through something like this." "I just..." "Why does he flirt with you, and then not wanna pursue anything?" "So, maybe that's because of his issues, or maybe... maybe he doesn't care enough about you to even bother." "So, why don't you just find somebody easier than that?" "I'm never meeting new people I like." "When was the last time you met a new person and thought," "'Gosh, that's an interesting thing you just said!" "'" "That's 'cause you're too bloody fussy!" "Nah." "I'm calling it." "No." "He's too difficult, Josh." "I just think you should move on now." "You can't call it." "I'm calling it!" "Arnold, Josh thinks we can't name one of the chickens 'Beyonce'." "Yeah, it's blasphemy!" " What are you naming the others?" " Adele and Shakira." "Beyonce's too good to be grouped with Shakira." "Well, you can't not name one Beyonce." "He's right, Josh!" "You know he's right." "OK, yeah, I know, I know." "I just wanted to make sure we talked it through properly." " Do you have vegetarian pho?" " Yes, tofu." " So, it has a vegetarian stock." " Yes." "Um, just..." "there's no meat in the stock?" " No meat." " I'll have that then." "You really didn't trust there was vegetarian pho." "Yeah, well, sometimes they bring it out in chicken stock." "'They'!" "'They'?" " Who's 'they'?" " Yeah, Arnold, who's 'they'?" "Just... them, OK?" " Arnold, can I ask you a question?" " Yes." " Are you a racist?" " (Arnold and Josh laugh)" " Tom, can I ask you a question?" " Yes." "Why do you have no friends other than Josh?" "(Laughs)" "Look, Arnold, I live with a lot of regrets." "No!" "Say something nice, Tom!" " I'm trying to court this bitch!" " You have not answered the question." "I love Asians!" "A lot." " Probably too much, if anything." " Whoa!" "Oh!" "(Chuckles)" "Hi." "Oh!" "Delicious." " Thank you." " Thank you." " Thank you." " Thanks." "This is nice. (Chuckles)" " You have to go, yeah?" " Yeah." "Yeah?" "You're going?" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Gosh!" "You know I have, like, an entire bedroom." " I can't." "I can't." " It's just there!" "Bye." "Bye." "Hey, John." "Do you think if you were a real boy, you'd date me?" "Of course you would." "Just don't know what else I have to offer, OK?" "I've made him so many dinners, vegetarian dinners." "I feel like all I've been doing since we met is salt eggplant and pat it down with a paper towel, and he still..." "he still won't have sex with me." "Yeah, what does he think this is, a Jane Austen novel?" "Maybe he's frigid." "(Sighs) No, he's had so much sex." "Just so much sex with so many boys." "Really?" "Mm-hm." "He's got anxiety." "It's probably not about you." "Is that what he says." "Sounds to me like a convenient excuse not to have sex with somebody 'cause you think they're gross." " Hey, you're not gross." " You're beautiful." " Like a hummingbird." " Like a baby seahorse." "You're like touching the inside of a curtain tassel." " Like Harry Styles' snail trail." " OK." "I bet you've got a lovely penis too, you know?" "Like, well-proportioned, sturdy, jaunty little hat." " You're like democracy." " You really think I'm not gross?" "(Chuckles) Oh, no, I was just pretending." "Yeah, I'm no expert." " You all look the same to me!" " Let's go." " I have something to tell you." " I hope it's compliments." " I hate eggplant." " Eggplant?" "You love eggplant!" "It has the texture of slugs." "Why can't people see this?" "But you're a vegetarian!" "No, Josh, we've been down that way three times." " Three times!" " I think it's this way!" "It's a dead end with a patronising rabbit statue." "Hedges are supposed to be nice!" "Why turn topiary against us?" "Fuck you, patronising rabbit statue!" "You don't know me!" "No, Josh, I need you to acknowledge that you heard I hate the eggplant." "You've eaten my eggplant at least twice." " Twice!" " Twice?" " Yeah, I know!" " Gosh, you must really like me." "OK, well, I was just being polite." "Yeah, well, you could cook me dinner." "You could organise dates." "Why do I always have to call you, chase you?" "I don't want you to get too close and realise I'm actually not that likeable." "Whoa!" " Whoa!" " No, we're not stopping!" "This is getting to our heads." "We need to get out of here." "It's like the Triwizard Tournament." "Surely, I get to decide if you're likeable." "I'm not ready to be vulnerable for you." " Whoo!" "Wow." " This is it?" "This is it!" "Victory!" "(Yells)" "(Laughs)" "OK!" "I'll organise the next date!" "Oh, God." "Oh, God, I've made a mistake." "(Chuckles) No, you've definitely not made a mistake." "A moment ago, I thought this was beautiful, but seeing you here now has made me realise that perhaps it's like a bit much." " Oh, it is a lot." " Yeah." "Yeah, it's a lot." "Isn't it?" "This because of the maze?" "'I'm not ready to be vulnerable for you.'" "No, I don't wanna talk about it." "Are you thinking maybe we're gonna have sex here for the first time?" "I don't know." "It's just that this is exactly how 16-year-old girls imagine they're gonna lose their virginity." "Just shut up!" "That's it, isn't it?" "I think we're gonna have sex for the first time." " OK, you just need to..." " Let me..." "I wonder how it will go!" "(Hums intro to Kiss Me by Sixpence None The Richer)" "♪ Kiss me ♪ ♪ Right down the milky twilight ♪" " Come here!" " ♪ Shwing, shwing... ♪" "(Sings indistinctly)" "♪ You wear the shirt and I will wear that dress ♪" " ♪ Whoa, kiss me ♪ - (Chuckles) OK!" "♪ Right down the milky twilight... ♪" "(Laughs)" "Do you not wanna have sex?" "I do." "It's all I've been thinking about forever." "It's just, at the moment, what's consuming my mind is how you powered these lights." " Batteries!" " Batteries?" "♪ SIXPENCE NONE THE RICHER:" "Kiss Me ♪" " You'll tell me if you're not OK?" " Yeah, it's fine." "It's fine." "No." "No, I think you should be on top." "I don't wanna, like..." "I don't wanna explain..." "OK." " It's OK?" " OK, yeah, just..." "Never ask me if it's OK during sex again, yeah?" "(Chuckles) Deal." "♪ Kiss me ♪ ♪ Beneath the milky twilight ♪" "♪ Lead me ♪ ♪ Out on the moonlit floor ♪" "♪ Lift your open hand ♪" "♪ Strike up the band and make the fireflies dance ♪" "♪ Silver moon's sparkling ♪" "♪ So kiss me. ♪" "You gonna sleep at my house?" "You know I can't." "My parents will ask just so many questions." "OK, OK." " Maybe tell them you're gay, yeah?" " No." "Alright, alright." "Mm!" "Delicious." "CLAIRE:" "So, I had sex with that guy I regretted having sex with again." "Arnold and I finally had sex and it was just terrific." " It was just really fun." " He's fun." "Yeah, really fun." "Really talented." "Meanwhile, Tom fingered his boss." " What?" "!" " Are we telling people that?" " Apparently." " Was she a babe?" "No, not a babe." "Is he a babe?" "Yeah." "But he's also just the worst." "The sex was so fun, but now I'm freaking out that maybe he's a bad choice, you know?" "Maybe I stuffed up." "Maybe he's the wrong choice." "He's not a bad choice." "I know bad choices." "I've made bad choices." "I've been a bad choice." "Yeah, Tom, why did you finger the boss?" " I didn't mean to." " What, did you fall in?" "She's been flirting with me for weeks, said she was in love with my brain." " What?" "!" " What?" "!" "I'm very funny when I'm at work." "He kept saying how much he loved my tits over and over, and I hate him." "When I'm with him, I guess I feel less alone, but then the next day, it's like a tax on my loneliness." "I think mostly I'm freaking out because whilst I'm confident Arnold makes me happy," "I'm just not sure he makes me, like, the happiest." "Do you know what it takes to be the happiest?" "You're versing the Dalai Lama." "Meanwhile, Tom's boss has a husband and two tiny children." "Is that the first vagina you've ever touched that's had children come out of it?" "Uh, I guess." "Yes." " How did it feel?" "Different?" " No!" "I'm just not sure how much happiness we deserve." "Not much." "I think if anyone knew what was going on in my head, it'd be impossible for them to like me." "Can you tell me some things you think would be impossible to like, and then we'll find out?" "Um, before we go on dates," "I write a list of questions in my phone to ask you, so if there's a lull in the conversation," "I can go to the bathroom to confer." "I appreciate the effort." "I've never seen Love Actually." "What?" "No, actually, that's not OK." "That's crazy, you crazy motherfucker!" "What a crazy motherfucker!" "Remember when I told you how much I loved Love Actually?" "No, I don't!" "Well, you told me you loved it, so I went home and googled it and I memorised the synopsis and I told you I loved it too." "Right." "No, I'm still in." "I still like you." "OK, sometimes I go to places early to check where the bathrooms and exits are." "And look, I need you to know that I know this is irrational." "I'm gonna worry about things that you don't think are a problem." "Like, for example, you might catch me, when we're out at a club, hiding in a bathroom, which is a fine thing to do if there's no-one actually out there looking for where I am." "And I could kind of deal with this when I was on my own, because when you're on your own, you don't have to, like... have someone to answer to make you realise how truly fucked you are." "And that's kind of scary, you know, because someone, you, will actually..." " Me?" " Yeah, you'll actually see all this." " OK." " OK?" "Yup." "Come." "Um, so... my parents don't actually care if I sleep somewhere." "How often do you lie to me?" "Less and less." "Were you lying when you said you think I have a beautiful soul?" "(Chuckles) Did I say that?" "I don't think I actually said that." "That's the problem with lying, it's hard to keep track of!" "Are you gonna sleep over?" " Yes, please." " OK." "Arnold's disappeared." "I thought things were going very well." "I was very happy." "I thought he was very happy." "Now he won't reply to my texts." "I do not know why." "It's been eight days." "Oh, I'd just decided I liked him too." "Ah, you didn't hurt me!" "I saw this documentary that said if you draw a line between the major landmarks in Washington, it creates a pentagram." "Satan's symbol." "How about that?" "You know, they had a drawing there and all that, but I'm not sure who decided how to join the dots, 'cause anyone can draw a pentagram on a map." "If they'd just gone around the edges, it would've made a pentagon shape." "I don't think there's anything evil about pentagons." "I'm not even convinced there's anything evil about pentagrams." "But the documentary seemed pretty legitimate, so who knows?" "Who knows?" "How are things with Arnold?" " Not great." " Oh." "He stopped replying to my texts." "I don't know why." "Been over a week." " Maybe he's out of phone credit." " Maybe." "So, I've been drinking." "Missed you." "Hey!" "Don't wake up." "(Whispers) I love you." "I love you." "Josh." "I love you." "I didn't know what to do." "He just kept saying it." "I just lay there pretending to be asleep, playing dead as if he was a bear." "He say it first!" "You are the winner!" " Yeah, yeah, I win." " Ah, he love you!" "Why would he say it like that?" "That's how he wants to say 'I love you' the first time?" "Drunk, with the words 'Poof Doof' stamped on his arm?" " What is 'Poof Doof'?" " It's a gay club." "Oh." "So, do you love him?" "I think I love him, but also, I don't know what love is, you know?" " I love him." " Ah, you barely know him." " But you have been so happy!" " Have I?" "When you are grumpy, you are like your father, hm?" "Sometimes I get so nervous you will turn out like your father." "Arnold, it's their first night outside." "I'm just so excited for them." "She wants to stand on you." "No." "No, no, thank you." "No, please." "Yes, Arnold, it's their special day." "Let me put her on your head." "Fine." "No, um..." "Hey, um, so I have something to say." " Yes?" " I think now is the perfect time." " OK." " I love you." "(Chuckles) I hope they're gonna be OK in here." "Arnold, are you not saying it back?" " Uh..." "I, um..." " Arnold, say it back!" "It's a really big deal to me to say that." " Me too, also!" " No, I..." "I don't..." "I don't know." "Arnold, you already said it, OK?" "You said it first." "Yeah, I was the..." "I was the winner." "Did I?" "You remember." "Don't pretend like you don't remember." "I just..." "I don't..." "I don't know." "I actually just can't... do this." "Look, I get this is a big deal for you and you have a big, complicated brain, but just... sometimes my feelings need to be thought of." "No, I'm not going to be pressured into saying it." "I'm just not going to be, OK?" "I need..." "I need you to go home." "No, I don't..." "I don't wanna go." "I just..." "I do." "Yeah, I want you to." "I just... need you to just g-go." "OK." " He just doesn't like me." " Yeah." " I'm a troll." " Not a troll." " No, I am." "I am." "I'm a troll." " You're not a troll." "Tom, if we've learned anything from this, it's that if I ever have any feeling of self-doubt, then I am right." "OK?" "I am correct." "I am a troll." " OK, fine, you're a troll." " Thank you." "A slightly balding troll." "OK." "I put myself out there." "Never doing that again, am I?" "That was a mistake." "Mustered up a tiny bit of confidence." "Bad choice." "Yeah." "Yeah, you're like..." "like a little baby deer." "You're like a little baby deer and you're trying to take its first steps." "And you get... you get the strength, and you finally... you balance up on your little, dainty big deer..." " ..your little, dainty deer hooves..." " Yeah." "And then Arnold comes and shoots you in your face!" " He shoots you in your baby deer face." " (Laughs)" "Yeah, he did." "He did, he shot me in my face!" " Yeah." " And I'm just twitching." "I'm just twitching, just alone on the... on the snow." "Yeah, little baby deer troll-face, just... phwoar, all over the ice." " Wondering where my mum is." " Yeah. (Laughs)" "Thank you." " You'll find someone else, though." " You don't mean that." "No, it's you and me against the world, baby." "Oh." "Hi." "(Silent Night plays on tape player)" "It's carol singers." "'Well, give 'em a quid and tell 'em to bugger off!" "'" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_"