"The animal digs his sweaty brow into his cheek, and they stand in the dark for an hour," "like a necking couple." "And of all nonsensical things," "I keep thinking about the horse, not the boy." "The horse, and what he might be trying to do." "I keep seeing the huge head kissing him with its chained mouth, nudging through the metal some desire absolutely irrelevant to filling its belly, or propagating its own kind." "What desire could this be?" "Not to stay a horse any longer?" "Not to remain reined up for ever in those particular genetic strings?" "Is it possible, at certain moments, that a horse can add its sufferings together, the nonstop jerks and jabs that are its daily life," "and turn them into grief?" "What use is grief to a horse?" "You see?" "I'm lost." "What use, I should ask, are these questions to an overworked psychiatrist in a provincial hospital?" "They're worse than useless." "They are, in fact, subversive." "The thing is," "I'm wearing that horse's head myself, all reined up in old language and old assumptions, straining to jump clean-hooved onto a new track of being I only suspect is there." "I can't see it because my educated head is being held at the wrong angle." "I can't jump because the bit forbids it, and my own basic force, my... horsepower, if you Iike, is too little." "The only thing I know for sure is this:" "a horse's head is finally unknowable to me." "Yet I handle children's heads, which must be more complicated, at Ieast in the area of my chief concern." "In a way, it has nothing to do with this boy." "The doubts have been there for years, piling up in this dreary place." "It's only the extremity of this case that's made them active, I know that." "AII the same, these doubts are now not just vaguely worrying, but intolerable!" "Forgive me." "I'm not making much sense." "Let me start properly, in order." "(hysterical shrieking)" "..through this gate into another field." "I knew I had to get through that gate, cos then I could see everything." " Take one, Mary Ann." " I don't want one." " Mary Ann, come on." " Don't bother me." " You don't have to listen to them." " I know, but... why not?" " You want one, take one!" " Stop being so ignorant!" "AII right." "AII right, now, settle down." "..for sucking it up?" "(sucks) - (laughter)" " That's no good." "Shall we smash it?" " (boy) Yeah." " (other children) No!" " Come on, we'II smash it!" "No!" " AII right." "Now, pick up your right leg." " No!" " Pick up your right leg, man." " Why?" " You'd please me a great deal if you did." " I said no!" "Come on." "Up." " Now scream." " Agh!" "Agh!" "Agh!" "Agh!" "Agh!" "Agh!" "Agh!" "Aaaaagh!" "Scream, boy!" "Scream!" " Aaaagh!" " That's it!" "It began one Monday, some months ago, with Hesther's visit." "Martin, I'm sorry." "I should have called." "Not at all." "You're a welcome relief." "Have a filthy coffee." " No." "It's really rather urgent." " Take a couch." "I've just come from the most shocking case I ever tried." "My fellow magistrates wanted to send him to prison on the spot." " Luckily, I got him remanded for a report." " Who's he?" "A teenager." "The name's Strang." "What's he done?" "Dosed some girl's Pepsi with Spanish fly?" "What could possibly have thrown your court into such Tory convulsions?" "He... blinded siz horses with a metal spike." " blinded?" " Yes." " AII at once, or over a period?" " AII at once, the night before last." " Where?" " In a stable at Chalk Ford." " He worked there." " What'd he say in court?" " Nothing." "He just sang." " Sang?" " You've simply got to take him here." " Do you think this hospital is suitable?" " How dangerous is he?" " No, I mean you, personally." "Before you say anything else, I can take no more patients at the moment." " I can't cope with the ones I have." " You must." " Why?" " (phone)" "Oh, damn!" "Hello, Pat?" "Yes." "Now, my advice is cancel her leave for a month, see what difference that makes to her dad." "Yes, exactly." "Now, why?" "There's no one else within 100 miles of that desk who can handle him, and perhaps understand what this is all about." "A regular hospital will be useless." "So will the other doctors here." " That's an unwarrantable statement." " They'II be very cool and professional, and underneath they'II be disgusted and immovably English, just like my court." " Well, what am I?" "Polynesian?" " please, Martin." " This is the Iast favour I'II ever ask of you." " No, it's not." "He's obviously abominable." "I know that already." "Why me?" "Why, Hesther?" "There's something extraordinary about him." " In what way?" " Terrible, if you Iike." "I don't quite know what I'm saying." "I just knew I had to come here." "Take him, Martin." "It's very important." "What did I expect of him?" "Very little, I promise you." "One more dented little face, one more adolescent freak." "The usual unusual." "(woman) This room will be completely yours." "No one will come in without your say-so." "There's a bell if you need anything." "There's a lavatory down the corridor, second door on the Ieft." "I think this is one of the nicest rooms in the whole place, don't you?" "Absolutely." "Sometimes I blame Hesther." "She brought him to me." "But that's nonsense." "What is he but a last straw, a last symbol?" "That's all." "I was ripe for the confrontation." " alan Strang, Doctor." " Thank you." "Hello." "My name's, er, Martin." "Yours is alan." "Won't you sit down?" "For today, I just want a few simple facts." "Er, is this your full name?" "alan Strang?" "And you're 17, is that right?" "17?" "You work in an electrical shop during the week." "electrical and kitchenware." " Well?" " # Double your pleasure, double your fun" "# With double good, double good Doublemint gum" "Yes..." "Now, Iet's see." "You live with your parents, and your father's a printer." " What sort of things does he print?" " (sings "Doublemint"jingle)" "Leaflets, calendars, things like that?" "# Try the taste of Martini" "# The most beautiful drink in the world" "# It's the bright one, the ri-ight one," "# That's Martini" "I wish you'd sit down." "You'd be more comfortable." "# There's only one T in Typhoo, in packets and in tea bags too" "# Any way you make it you'II know that it's true" "# There's only one T in Typhoo" "That's a good song." "I Iike that better than the other two." "Sing that one again." "# Double your pleasure, double your fun, with double good, double good..." "Now, listen." "This is not a loony bin." "It's not a prison." "If you behave yourself, you'II have a reasonably all-right time." "If you don't, you'II be packed off to a mental hospital and you'II find things much more restricted, so it's up to you." "You'II be seeing me every day." "Your session will last exactly 45 minutes, and I expect you to be absolutely on time." "AII right?" "By the way, which of your parents is it who won't allow you to watch television?" "Mother?" "Father?" "Or is it both?" "(knocking)" "Come in, David." "Take Strang here on a tour of the... hospital before lunch." "You'II find it quite pleasant." "There's a piano room, a darkroom for photographers." "Even a television room." "Three nights later, I had this very specific dream." "In it, I'm a chief priest in Homeric Greece." "I'm wearing a wide gold mask, all noble and bearded," "like the so-called Mask of Agamemnon found at Mycenae." "I'm standing by a thick round stone, holding a sharp knife." "In fact, I'm officiating at some important ritual sacrifice on which depends the fate of the crops, or of a military expedition." "The sacrifice is a herd of children, about 500 boys and girls stretching in a long queue across the plain of Argos." "I know it's Argos because of the red soil." "On either side of me stand two assistant priests, wearing masks as well - Iumpy, popeyed masks, such as were also found at Mycenae." "They're enormously strong, the priests, and absolutely tireless." "As each child steps forward, they grab it from behind and throw it over the stone." "Then, with a surgical skill that amazes even me," "I fit in the knife and slice elegantly down to the navel, just like a seamstress following a pattern." "I part the flaps, sever the inner tubes, yank them out, and throw them hot and steaming on the floor." "The other two study the patterns they make as if they're reading hieroglyphics." "It's obvious to me that I'm tops as chief priest." "It's this unique talent for carving that's got me where I am." "The only thing is, unknown to the others," "I'm beginning to feel distinctly nauseous, and with each victim it's getting worse." "My face is going green behind the mask." "Of course, I redouble my efforts, cutting and snipping for all I'm worth, because I know that if those two others so much as suspect my distress, and the implied doubt that this repetitive, smelly work does any social good at all," "and I'II be next over the stone." "Then, of course, the damn mask begins to slip." "The priests both turn and look at it." "Their gold popeyes suddenly fill with blood, they tear the knife from my hand, and I..." "I wake up." "Mrs Strang, have you any idea how this could have occurred?" "No, Doctor." "It's all so unbelievable." "alan was always such a gentle boy." "always." "And he loves animals, especially horses." " Thank you." "Especially?" " Yes." "He even has a picture of one up in his bedroom." "His father gave it to him years ago off a calendar he'd had printed." "The boy's never taken it down." "And when he was seven or eight," "I used to have to read the same book to him, over and over, all about a horse." " Really?" " It was called Prince, and no one could ride him." "You say he kept the picture of the horse in his bedroom." " Yes." " Could I see it?" "Yes." "Oh, yes." "Yes, of course." "Er... it's, er..." "please, it's this way." "I do remember telling him one very odd thing." "When the Christian cavalry first appeared in the New World, the pagans thought that horse and rider was one person." " One person?" " Yes." "Of course." "Actually, they thought it must be a god." "In here, please." "This is alan's room." " Remarkable." " Yes." "Mrs Strang, is there... anything else you can remember you told him about horses?" "Anything at all?" "Well, they're in the Bible, of course." ""He saith among the trumpets, Ha, ha."" " "Ha, ha"?" " The Book of Job." "Such a noble passage." "Do you know it?" ""Hast thou given the horse strength?"" ""Hast thou clothed his neck with thunder?"" ""The glory of his nostrils is terrible."" ""He saith among the trumpets, Ha, ha."" "That's marvellous." " Yes." " (door closes)" "Oh, there's Mr Strang now." "Frank?" "I've got the doctor here." "We'II come down." "He's very upset." "You understand, of course." "This is Dr Dysart, dear." " Mr Strang." " How d'you do?" "I was just telling Dr Dysart, dear, how alan always adored horses." "Oh, yes?" "In fact, we've always been a very horsy family." "Well, my side of it has." "My uncle used to ride every morning on the Downs behind Brighton, all dressed up in a bowler hat and jodhpurs." "He used to look splendid." ""Indulging in equitation", he called it." "I remember telling alan how that word came from "equus"." " "Equus"?" " The Latin word for "horse"." "alan was absolutely fascinated by that word," "I suppose because he'd never come across one with two "u's" together." "My dear, have you offered the doctor a cup of tea?" "Oh." "No." "No, dear, I haven't." "You must be dying for one." "Excuse me." "My, er... my wife has... romantic ideas, if you receive my meaning." " About her family?" " She thinks she married beneath her." "I dare say she did." "I don't understand these things myself." "Would you say she's closer to the boy than you are?" "Oh, they've always been as thick as thieves." "I can't say I entirely approve, especially when I hear her reading that Bible to him night after night, up in his room." "You mean she's religious?" "Some might say excessively so." "Mind you, that's her business, but... when it comes to dosing it down the boy's throat, well, he's my son as well as hers." "bloody religion!" "It's our only real problem in this house, but it's insuperable." "You must excuse my husband, Doctor." "This one subject is something of an obsession with him, isn't it, dear?" "Call it what you Iike." "AII that stuff to me is just bad sex." " What has that got to do with alan?" " Everything!" "Everything, Dora." "I don't understand." "What are you saying?" "(kettle whistling)" "Mr Strang, exactly how informed would you judge your son to be about sex?" "I don't know." "You didn't actually instruct him yourself?" "Not in so many words, no." " Did you, Mrs Strang?" " Well, I spoke a Iittle, yes." " I had to." " Oh, Iet me help you." "What sort of things did you tell him?" "I'm sorry if this is embarrassing." "I told him the biological facts." "But I also told him what I believed, that sex is not just a biological matter, but a spiritual one as well." "That if God willed, he would fall in love one day..." " Sugar?" " Yes, thank you." "..but his task was to prepare himself for the most important happening of his life." "And after that, if he was lucky, he would come to know a higher love still." "Now, now." "Now, Dora." "Dora?" " It's all right." "Come on." " Oh, go on, laugh." "Laugh as usual." "No one's laughing, Dora." "Equus." "Eq..." "Equus!" "Equus!" "Equus!" "Eq...!" "Eq...!" "Eq-uus!" "Eq-uus!" "Suddenly I realised whose face I'd seen in my dream." "On every victim across the stone, it was his stare accusing me." "But what of?" "Hello." "How are you this morning?" "Sorry if I gave you a start last night." "I..." "I was collecting some papers from my office, and I thought I'd look in on you." "Do you dream often?" "Do you dream often?" "Do you?" "It's my job to ask the questions, yours to answer them." " Says who?" " Says me." " Do you dream often?" " Do you?" " Now, look, alan..." " I'II answer if you answer." "In turns." "Very well." "Only we have to speak the truth." " Very well." " So..." " Do you dream often?" " Yes." " Do you?" " Yes." " Do you have a special dream?" " (blows raspberry)" "No." "Do you?" "Yes." "What was your dream about last night?" " Can't remember." " I said the truth." "That is the truth." "What's yours about, the special one?" "Carving up children." "It's my turn." "What is your first memory of a horse?" "I can't remember." "You have no recollection of the first time you ever noticed a horse?" "Just told you." "It's my turn." "AII right." " Are you married?" " I am." " Is she a doctor too?" " It's my turn." "What, er... what is "eck"?" "You shouted it out in your sleep last night." "I... thought you might like to talk about it." "# PIop, plop, fizz, fizz" "# Oh what a relief it is" " # PIop, plop, fizz, fizz" " Come on now, alan." "You can do better than that." "# So double your pleasure, double your fun" "# Get double everything rolled into one" "AII right." "Good morning." " What d'you mean?" " We're finished for today." " I've only had five minutes." " Too bad." " Didn't you hear?" "I said good morning." " That's not fair." " No?" " No." "The government pays you £50 an hour to see me." "I heard downstairs." "Well, go back downstairs and hear some more." "It's not fair." "You're a swiz." " bloody swiz!" "Swiz!" " Do I have to call Nurse?" " She puts a finger on me and I'II bash her." " She'II bash you a damn sight harder." "Now go." " On a beach." " What?" "Where I first saw a horse." "(to himself) Fucking swiz." " How old are you?" " How should I know?" "Six." " What were you doing there?" " Nothing." "Digging." " Sand castles?" " Well, what else?" "Go on." "That's a terrific castle." "It must have taken a Iong time to build." "You can stroke him if you Iike." "He won't mind." "His name's Trojan." "Easy there, Trojan." "Easy, boy." "Easy there, Trojan." "Oh, you can hardly reach from down there." "Do you want to come up?" "Come on, then." "No, come round this side." "You always mount a horse from the Ieft." "I'II give you a lift up, OK?" "Now, do nothing at all." "Easy, boy." "Easy." "Don't be frightened." "Hold on to his mane and grip with your knees." "That's it." "Come on now, Trojan!" "Let's go!" "Want to go faster?" "AII you have to do is say "Come on, Trojan, bear me away."" "Say it, then!" " Bear me away." " He can't hear you." "Say it!" " Bear me away!" " Come on, Trojan!" "alan!" " alan!" "alan!" " alan!" "alan!" "Come back here!" " alan!" "Hey, you!" " Easy, boy." "Easy." "What do you imagine you're doing?" " What is my son doing up there?" " He's not hurt, is he?" " You should ask permission before you..." " It's lovely, Dad." " Come down, alan." " Don't be disturbed." "Don't be Ia-di-da with me." "Come down." "You heard your mother." " No." " Come down here at once!" " No!" "No!" " Right this moment!" "Frank!" "(rider) Watch it!" "Are you mad?" " Do you want to terrify the horse?" " You're a public menace!" "Easy, Trojan." "Picking up children and putting them on dangerous animals!" " Frank, he's hurt." " Look at his eyes!" "They're rolling!" " So are yours." " Frank, he's cut himself." "The boy's hurt!" "I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not!" "And that's all I remember." "(Dysart) And a Iot, too." "Thank you." "Do you know..." "Do you know, I've never been on a horse in my Iife?" "Nor me." " You mean since that?" " Yeah." "Never?" " No." " How come?" "Didn't care to." "You mean to say you never rode even when you were at the stables?" " No." " Wasn't that part of the job?" " No." "Didn't have to." " Why not?" "Surely it'd have been fun after being in that shop." "I just didn't care to." "Anyway, it's my turn." "I told you a secret." "You tell me one." "AII right." "Some patients have things to tell me, but they're ashamed to... say them to my face." "What do you think I do about that?" "What?" "I give them this little tape recorder." "They go off, and they send the tape back through Nurse." " They don't have to listen to it with me." " Stupid!" "Quite simple, really." "You need to press this button and speak into this." "Anyway, our time's up for today." "I'II see you tomorrow." " Maybe." " Maybe?" "If I feel like it." "(whispers) Stupid." "(# classical violin)" "I thought I'd go in tomorrow... and see the boy." "Would you come?" "Frank, it's not right, you not..." "But you should." "(# classical piano)" "You've got to tell him." "The doctor, I mean." "He should know about that." " Do you think it's important?" " Yes, I do." "Why?" "Well, it just could be." "It was sexy." "That's what you want to know, isn't it?" "(phone)" " Hello?" " Hello, Doctor." " I hope it's not too late." " No, Mrs Strang." "Frank and I were talking, and we felt there was something you might want to know." "Could I come and see you tomorrow?" "Why don't I come to see you?" "I'm talking about the beach, that time that I told you about." "I was pushed forward on the horse." "There was sweat on my legs from his neck." "His sides were all warm." "And the smell." "And turning him." "AII that power, going anywhere you wanted." "And then Dad..." "(switches off recorder)" "It's about the picture... of the horse." "Er... the one on his bedroom wall?" "I'm afraid I didn't quite tell you all about it the Iast time." "I didn't think it was that important." "You see, it actually took the place of another kind of picture altogether." "What kind?" "It was a reproduction of our Lord on his way to Calvary." "Alan insisted on buying it with his own pocket money, and hanging it where he could see it last thing at night." "My husband was very displeased, and, to be fair, it is a little extreme." "Then, one day, Mr Strang and I had one of our tiffs about religion, and he went straight up the stairs and tore it off the boy's wall." "Alan went quite hysterical." " He cried for days without stopping." " But he recovered when he was given" " the picture of the horse?" " Oh, yes." "Er, he hung it in exactly the same place, and we had no more of that awful weeping." "Mr Dalton?" "My name's Dysart." "I'm a doctor." "I'm dealing with alan Strang." "I mean, I'm... treating alan Strang." "I know this is an intrusion, but I..." "I'd Iike to have a talk with you." "I realise this must be difficult for you." " Difficult(!" ")" " For lack of a word." "If I had my way, that boy would be dead!" "I should have killed him that night." "Of course, now you've got him in hospital." "Private room, three meals a day, remedial therapy, ping pong, basketwork!" " Mr Dalton..." " Oh, no, no, no." "We've got to be... modern about it." "After all, there are no criminals now." "We're all capable of everything." "I know." "I've heard all about it." "Forgive and forget." "Two months' ping pong, and he's paid his debt to society, eh?" "Mr Dalton?" "Damn you!" "I'm sorry." "I can't help it." "I keep seeing it." "Over and over I see it." "Jill's had a breakdown." "The girl who worked for me." "A complete and utter breakdown." "She'II never get over it." "She blames herself, being the one who brought him here." "He was introduced to the stables by a girl?" "I just told you, didn't I?" "Jill." "Jill Mason." "Excuse me for being stupid, but was that his girlfriend?" "How should I know?" "!" "No." "He met her somewhere, asked for a job." "She told him to come and see me." " Piss off now, will you?" " Yes." "I'II be going." "One thing." "When he first appeared, did he seem at all peculiar?" "Odd in any way?" "No." "He was bloody good." "He spent hours with the horses, grooming them." "Way over the call of duty." "I thought he was a real find." "Apparently, the whole time he worked for you, he never actually rode." " That's true." " Wasn't that peculiar?" "Certainly - if he didn't." " What do you mean?" " I mean that, on and off that whole year," "I had the feeling the horses were being taken out at night." " At night?" " Just odd things I noticed." "I mean, too often one or other of them would be sweaty in the morning, when it wasn't sick - very sweaty, too." "And its stall wouldn't be as mucky as it should be if it had been in all night." "Stupidly enough, I never paid much mind to it at the time." "It wasn't until I realised I'd been hiring a loony..." "I came to wonder if he hadn't been riding all the time behind our backs." "AII right, it's obviously just my fancy." "This thing has shaken me so badly, I..." "I'm liable to believe anything." "Why should anybody do that?" "Prefer to go riding by himself at night when he could go off with others during the day?" "Are you asking me?" "He's a loony, isn't he?" "This girl, Jill Mason." "Could you tell me where she lives?" "Her mother keeps a shop a mile down the road." " Chelsea Antiques." " Thank you." "You won't see her." "And something else." "When the horse first appeared, I Iooked up into his mouth." "There was this chain in it." "I said "Does it hurt?" and he s..." "The horse said..." "(switches off recorder)" "It was always the same after that." "Every time I heard one clop by, I had to run and see." "Up a country lane... anywhere." "Just to watch their skins, and the way their necks twist." "And sweat comes in the folds." "Words like "reins", "stirrups".... "flanks"." ""Dashing his spurs against his charger's flanks." Even those words made me f..." "The way they give themselves to us." "That was it, too." "They could stamp us into bits anytime they wanted, and they don't." "They just let themselves be turned on a string all day, absolutely humble." "They give us all their strength and we just give them stripes for it." "They'II run for ever." "They'II gallop till they die - they will - if we don't say "Stop"." "They live for us, just for us, their whole lives." "Years I've never told anyone." "My mum wouldn't understand." "She likes equitation, bowler hats, jodhpurs." ""My uncle dressed for the horse, " she says." "But what does that mean?" "!" "A horse isn't dressed!" "It's naked." "It's the most naked thing you ever saw, more than a dog, a cat, or anything." "Even the brokenest-down old nag has got its life." "Put a bowler hat on top of it, it's filthy." ""Putting them through their paces" - bloody horse shows!" "How do they dare?" "No one understands." "No one." "Ezcept cowboys." "They do." "But they're free." "They just swing up, and it's nothing but miles of grass." "I bet all cowboys are orphans." "I bet they are." "No one ever says to cowboys "Receive my meaning, or God..."" ""AII the time God sees you, alan." "God's got eyes everywh..."" "No, I'm not doing any more." "I hate this." "You can whistle for any more." "I've had it." "I'm very busy, you know." "That's why I came to see you." " Is there something you're not telling me?" " What do you mean?" "The last time we met, you said that religion was at the bottom of all this." " So it is." " Because his mother reads him the Bible?" "Night after night?" "50 years ago, that would have been considered proper conduct for a mother." "Mr Strang, I know I'm being impertinent." "I'm prying." "I'm... nosy." "But if you want to help alan, you've got to help me." "Anything will do, Mr Strang." "Any bloody thing!" " Your wife told me about the picture." " No, it's not that." "It's..." "It's about that." "But it's worse." "Look, I wanted to tell you the other day, but I couldn't in front of Dora." "Maybe I should have." "Might show her where all that stuff leads to she drills into the boy behind my back." "What kind of thing is it?" " It's something I witnessed." " Where?" "At home, about 18 months ago." "Go on." "It was, er... it was late." "The boy had been in bed hours, or so I thought." "Go on." "As I came out of the bathroom," "I heard the..." "I heard the noise of this chanting." " Chanting?" " Yes." "You know." "Like the Bible." "One of those lists his mother read to him, those "begat so-and-so, begat..." You know, genealogy." "What, er... what did alan's list sound like?" "Well, I remember the sort of thing..." "The first word I heard was..." "Prince." " (Dysart) Prince?" " Yes." "Prince begat Prance, and Prance begat Prankus," "and Prankus begat FIankus, and FIankus begat Spankus," "and Spankus begat Spunkus the Great, who lived threescore years." "And Legwus begat Neckwus, and Neckwus begat FIeckwus, the King of Spit." "And FIeckwus spoke out of his chinkle-chankle." " What?" " I'm sure that was the word." "I've never forgotten it. "Chinkle-chankle."" "And he said "Behold, I give you Equus, my only begotten son."" "Equus?" "There's no doubt of that." "He repeated that word several times." ""Equus, my only begotten son."" "And then, he took this... string, and he put it into his mouth, and... with his other hand," "he picked up this... coat hanger, this wooden coat hanger." "And he..." "(whispers) Equus!" "Equus!" "Well, you see why I..." "I couldn't tell his mother." "Religion." "Religion is at the bottom of this, don't you see?" "Did you speak to him about it later?" "No." "I can't speak about things like that, Doctor." "It's not in my nature." "No..." "No, I see that." "Here, Iet me help you." "Just run it under the tap." "I must tell you that it's been of enormous help." "Mr Strang, is there... something else?" "There is, actually." "There's one... there's one thing." "That night that he..." "that he did it, that... that awful thing in the... in the stables, that night he was out with a girl." " How do you know that?" " I just know, that's all." " Was that girl Jill Mason?" " I don't know her name." " What do you know?" " I can't say any more." " Mr Strang..." " Just ask him about taking a girl out, that very night!" " Thanks for the tape." "It was excellent." " Yeah." "I'm not making any more." "One thing I didn't understand." "You said something about the horse on the beach talking to you." " (tuts) Stupid." "Horses don't talk." " So I believe." " Don't know what you mean." " Never mind about that." "Tell me something else." "Who introduced you to the stable to begin with?" "Someone I met." "Where?" "(girl) Hello!" "Can I do something for you?" "No." "You're always staring in here, aren't you?" " Me?" " Yes." "Every day, at lunchtime." " I've seen you." " Not me." "Course it's you." "Are you looking for a job or something?" "Is there one?" "I can only do weekends." "That's when most people ride." "We could use extra hands." " It'd mainly be mucking out." " Oh, I don't mind." " please!" " Come up on Saturday." "I'II introduce you to Mr Dalton." "And you went?" "Yeah." "Hello!" "You came, then." "Let's find Mr Dalton." "My name's Jill, by the way." "What's yours?" "AII riders are accompanied, madam." "No riders are allowed out on their own." "AII right, I'II put her down for three o'clock." "What is the name, please?" "Mrs..." "Shawcross." "Thank you." "Goodbye." " This is alan Strang, Mr Dalton." " Hello." " Hello." " Ever worked in a stable before?" " Can you ride?" " No, I don't want to." "It's not extra." "It comes with the job." "No, I just want to work here." "You like horses?" "Well, we can certainly use the help." "There's enough work around here for six lads." "Four quid a day, Saturdays and Sundays." "AII right?" " Yes, sir." " Good." "Now, I expect the place neat, dry and clean at all times." "The main rule is, never pretend you know something when you don't." "Actually, the main rule is, enjoy yourself." "And remember, 7.30 on the dot." "Horses don't oversleep, you know." "See you later." "This is Nugget." "Come on." "That's it." "Here." "Come on." "Come on." "You're my favourite." "This is a body brush." "You use it with a currycomb." "Now, you always groom the same way, from the ears downwards." "Don't be afraid to do it hard." "The harder you do it, the more the horse loves it." "Push it right through the coat, Iike this." "Work towards the tail, and right through the coat." "See how he loves it?" "Giving you a lovely massage, aren't I, boy?" "Here, you try." "Nice and easy." "Never rush." "Work towards the tail and right through the coat." "That's it." "Again!" "You've got a feel for it, I can tell." "It's going to be fun teaching you." "(girl) Jill!" "Jill!" " What?" " Mr Dalton wants you, please." "Right away." "Keep that up for 1 5 minutes, then do old Trooper." "See you later." "(horse scraping hooves)" "(Dalton) AII right, I'm off now." "I'II be back after lunch." "Anyone rings, just put it in the book." "Two rides this afternoon, that's the lot." "(Dysart) Was it good, touching them?" "It must have been marvellous being near them at last, making them fresh and glossy." "Tell me, you worked at the stable every weekend?" " Yeah." " You must have seen a lot of the girl." "Tell me about her." "Did you like her?" " Come on, Alan." "Tell me." " All right." " Was she friendly?" " Yes." " Or standoffish?" " Yes." " Well, which?" " What?" "Which was she?" "Tell me, did you, er..." "did you ever take her out?" " Did you have dates with her?" " What?" " Tell me if you did." " "Tell me"?" "!" ""Tell me, tell me, tell me"!" "On and on, standing there." "Nosy parker!" "That's all you are, a bloody nosy parker!" "Like my dad." " "Answer this, answer that." Never stop." " I'm sorry." "Well, now it's my turn." "You tell me." "Answer me." " We're not playing that game now." " We're playing what I say!" "AII right." "What do you want to know?" " Do you have dates?" " I told you, I'm married." "I know." "Her name's Margaret, she's a dentist." "You see?" "I found out." "What made you go with her?" "Did you bite her hands when she did you in the chair?" " That's not very funny." " Do you have girls behind her back?" " No." " Then what?" "Do you fuck her?" " AII right..." " Tell me, tell me, tell me!" " That's enough now." " I bet you don't!" "You've got no kids, have you?" "Is that because you don't fuck?" "Go to your room." "Quick march." "alan?" "Give me those cigarettes." "Give them to me!" "Now go." "Brilliant!" "The boy's on the run, so he turns defensive." "What am I, then?" "Wicked little bastard!" "He knew exactly what questions to try." "Not that it's anything novel." "Neurotics can be dazzling at that game." "They aim unswervingly at your area of maximum vulnerability." "Which is, I suppose, a good way of describing Margaret." " Now, stop it." " Do I embarrass you?" " I suspect you're about to." " My wife doesn't understand me." "Do you understand her?" "No." "Obviously I never did." "I'm sorry." "I never like to ask." "But I always imagined you weren't exactly compatible." "We were." "It actually worked for a bit - I mean for both of us." "She for me through a kind of... briskness, a clear, red-headed, inaccessible briskness that kept me keyed up for months." "If you're kinky for Northern hygienic, which I am, you can hardly find anything more compelling than a Scottish lady dentist." " It's you who are wicked, you know." " Not at all." "She got exactly the same from me." "Antiseptic proficiency." "I was like that in those days." "I see us in our wedding photograph." "Dr and Dr MacBrisk." "We were brisk in our wooing, brisk in our wedding, brisk in our disappointment, and turned briskly into our separate surgeries, and now there's a nice, brisk nothing." "You never had children, did you?" "We did not go in for them." "Instead she sits and knits things for orphans, and I sit opposite turning over the pages of books on mythical Greece." "Mentally, we're in different parts of the world." "She's in some drizzly chapel of her own inheriting, and I'm in some Doric temple, clouds tearing through the pillars, eagles bearing prophecies - she finds all that repulsive." "AII my wife has ever taken from the Mediterranean, from that whole vast, intuitive culture, are bottles of Chianti to make into lamps, and china condiment donkeys" "Iabelled "Sally" and "Pepe"." "Now you're being cruel." "I wish... there was somebody in this life I could show, one instinctive, absolutely unbrisk person that I could take to Greece and stand in front of certain shrines and sacred streams and say" ""Look, life is only comprehensible through a thousand local gods."" "Not just the old, dead gods with names like Zeus, but living geniuses of place and person." "Not just Greece, but modern England." "Here." "Spirits of certain trees, of certain curves of brick wall, of certain fish-and-chip shops, if you Iike, and... and slate roofs, and frowns in people, and slouches." "I'd say to them" ""Worship all you can see, and more will appear."" "This boy, with his stare, he's trying to save himself through me." "I'd say so." "What am I trying to do to him?" " Restore him." " To what?" " A normal life." " Normal?" "It still means something, you know." "You mean a normal boy has one head," " a normal head has two ears..." " You know I don't." " Then what do you mean?" " Oh, stop it." "I want to know." "Look, my dear, you know what I mean by a normal smile in a child's eyes and one that isn't, don't you?" " Yes." " Then we have a duty to that, surely." "Touché." " I'II talk to you." " Martin?" "You're going through a rotten patch at the moment." "I'm sorry." "I suppose one of the few things one can do is... simply hold on to priorities." "Such as?" "Children before adults." "Things like that." "You're really quite splendid, you know that?" "Famous for it." "All right." "The normal is the good smile in the child's eyes." "It is also the dead stare in a million adults." "Both sustains, and kills, Iike a god." "It is the ordinary made beautiful, it is also the average made lethal." "If normal is the indispensable, murderous god of health, then I am his priest." "I'm sorry about our row yesterday." "Yeah." "It was stupid." "Yes." "Yes, it was." "Would you Iike to play a game?" " What kind?" " It's one I invented myself." "It's called "blink"." "You fix your eyes on something, say that little stain on the wall over there, and I tap my pencil on the desk." "The first tap, you close your eyes, the second, open." "close, open, close, open, till I say stop." " What's the point of that?" " Well, to relax you." "Make it easier for you to talk." " Stupid." " You don't have to if you don't want to." "I didn't say I didn't want to." " Well?" " Don't mind." "AII right." "Start watching that stain." "Now, put your hands by your sides, your fingers open wide." "The thing to do is to feel comfortable and relax absolutely." " Are you watching that stain?" " Yeah." "Right." "Now, try and make your mind as blank as possible." "That's not difficult. (laughs ironically)" "No more talking." "First tap, close, second, open." "Ready?" "(taps)" "(taps)" "(taps)" "My tools are very delicate." "My compassion is honest." "I have honestly assisted children in this room." "I've talked away terrors, and relieved many agonies." "But beyond question," "I have cut from them portions of individuality repugnant to this god Normal, in all its aspects." "And at what length?" "Sacrifices to Zeus took at the most 60 seconds each." "Sacrifices to the normal can take as much as... 60 months." "(taps)" "(taps)" "Can you hear me?" "You can speak normally." "Say yes if you can." "Yes." "Good." "Now, raise your head, open your eyes." "Now, alan, when you wake up, you're going to remember everything you tell me." " Understand?" " Yes." "Now, I want you to think back in time." "You're on that beach you told me about." "You're six." "Above you, staring down at you, is that great horse's head." " Can you see that?" " Yes." "You ask him a question:" ""Does the chain hurt?"" "Yes." "Do you ask him aloud?" "No." "And what does the horse say back?" " "Yes."" " What do you say?" " "I'II take it out for you."" " And he says?" ""It never comes out." "They have me in chains."" " Like Jesus?" " Yes." " Only his name's not Jesus, is it?" " No." "What is it?" " It's Equus." " Equus?" "Does he live in all horses, or just some?" " AII." " Good." "Now, you leave the beach, you're in your bedroom at home." "You're 1 2 years old." "You're looking at Equus from the foot of the bed." "Would you Iike to kneel down?" " Yes." " Go on, then." "Tell me, why is Equus in chains?" " For the sins of the world." " What does he say to you?" " "I see you." "I will save you."" " How?" ""Bear you away." "Two shall be one."" "Horse and rider shall be one beast?" ""One person." "And my chinkle-chankle shall be in thy hand."" "Chinkle-chankle?" "That's his mouth chain?" "Yes." "AII right." "You can get up now." "Now, tell me, what is the stable?" "His temple?" "His holy of holies?" " Yes." " Where you wash him, and tend him, and brush him with many brushes?" " Yes." " And there he... spoke to you, didn't he?" "He looked at you with his gentle eyes, and he spake unto you." " Yes." " What did he say?" ""Ride me"? "Mount me and ride me forth at night"?" " Yes." " And you obeyed?" "Yes." "How did you learn?" "By watching others?" " Yes." " Must have been difficult." " You bounced about?" " Yes." "But he taught you, didn't he?" "Equus showed you the way." "No!" "He showed me nothing." "He's a mean bugger!" " Ride or fall, that's straw law." " Straw law?" "(intones) He was born in the straw and this is his law." "But... but you managed?" "You mastered him?" "Had to." "And so you rode forth in secret." " Yes." " How often?" "Every three weeks." "More, people would notice." "On a particular horse?" "No." "Well, Iet's do it." "Let's go riding." "Now!" "You're there now, in front of the stable door." "Go and open it." "Now go in." "Hush!" "Quietly now!" "Dalton may still be awake." "Quietly as possible, that's a good boy." "Are you in yet?" " Yes." " Can you see all the horses?" " Yes." " Which one are you going to take?" "Nugget." "What do you do, first thing?" "Put on his sandals." "They're sandals of majesty... made of sack." "And then?" "Chinkle-chankle." "He doesn't like it so late." "But he takes it, for my sake." "He bends for me, stretches forth his neck unto it." "And then?" "Buckle... and lead out." "No saddle?" "Never." "Where are you now?" "On the path." "He's quiet." "Always is, this bit." "Meek and mild legs." "He's gentle Equus, meek and mild." " At least till the field." " What field?" " Ha Ha." " What?" " The Field of Ha Ha." "Then there's trouble." " What kind?" " He won't go in!" " Make him go into it." "Is it a good field?" "It's perfect." "Full of rubbish." "Electrical and kitchenware." "It's covered with nettles." "Burn your feet." "You take your shoes off?" "Everything." "All your clothes?" "Yes." "What do you do now?" "Hide the clothes." "Get the man-bit." " Man-bit?" " Stick for my mouth." " Your mouth?" " To bite on." " Why?" "What for?" " So's it won't happen too quick." "Is it always the same stick?" "Course." "Sacred stick." "Keep it in the hole." "The Ark of the Man-bit." "And now?" "What do you do now?" " Touch him." " Where?" "All over." "Belly... ribs..." "His ribs are of ivory... of great value." "His flank is cool, his nostrils open for me." "His eyes shine." "They can see..." "His eyes!" "(taps) Go on." "(taps) What then?" "(taps)" " Sugar." " A lump of sugar?" " His last supper." " Last before what?" "Ha Ha." "Do you say anything when you give it to him?" "Take my sins." "Eat them, for my sake." "Now he's ready?" " You can get up on him now?" " Yes." "Go on, then, Alan." "Mount him!" "Into my hands he commends himself, naked in his chinkle-chankle." "Equus." "Equus." "Equus." "Take me!" "Whoa." "Whoa down." "Whoa down." "Easy, boy." "Easy, boy." "Easy, boy." "Equus the god-slave, faithful and true." "That's it." "He's good." "He's good." "He's good." "Equus, son of FIeckwus, son of Neckwus." "Walk." "Here we go." "Here we go." "The king rides out on Equus, mightiest of horses." "Only I can ride him." "His neck comes out of my body." "It lifts in the dark." "Equus, god-slave, now the king commands you." "Tonight we ride against them all:" "the hosts of bowler, the hosts of jodhpur." "AII those who show you off for their vanity, tie rosettes on your head for their vanity." "Come on, Equus, Iet's get them." "Trot." "Steady, steady, steady, steady." "That's it." "Steady, steady." "Cowboys are watching, taking off their stetsons." "They know who we are!" "They're admiring us, bowing low unto us." "Come on, now!" "Show them!" "Canter!" "Canter!" "And Equus the Mighty rose against all!" "His enemies scatter, his enemies fall!" "Turn!" "Trample them, trample them, trample them." "Turn!" "Trample them, trample them, trample them." "Turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn!" "(yells) Turn!" "I'm stiff, stiff in the wind!" "My mane, stiff in the wind." "I'm raw, I'm raw." "Do you feel my raw, feel me on you?" "On you?" "On you?" "I want to be inside you." "I want to be inside you and be you for ever, one person." "I Iove you!" "Bear me away!" "Agh!" "Make us now - agh!" " one person!" "Agh!" "One person!" "Agh!" "One person!" "(yells exultantly)" "(grunts orgasmically)" "Aaaaagh!" "Amen." "Afterwards, he says, they always embrace." "He showed me how he stands in the night," "like a frozen tango dancer, inhaling the cold, sweet breath." ""Have you noticed, " he said, "the way horses stand one hoof on its end," "like those girls in the ballet?"" "And now, he's gone off to rest," "leaving me alone with Equus." "I can hear the creature's voice." "He's calling me out of the black cave of the psyche." "I shove in my dim little torch, and there he stands, waiting for me." "He raises his matted head, he opens his great square teeth, and he says" ""Why?" "Why me?"" ""Why ultimately me?" "Do you really imagine you can account for me, totally, infallibly, inevitably account for me, poor Dr Dysart?"" "Of course, I've stared at such images before, or been stared at by them, whichever way you look at it." "And weirdly often now with me the feeling is that they... are staring at us, that in some quite palpable way, they precede us." "Meaningless but unsettling." "In either case, this particular one, this huge, implacable head, is the most alarming yet." "It asks questions I've avoided all my professional life." "A child is born into a world of phenomena, all equal in their power to enslave." "It sniffs, it sucks, it strokes its eyes over the whole uncountable range." "Suddenly, one strikes, then another, then another." "Why?" "Moments snap together like magnets, forging a chain of shackles." "Why?" "I can trace them." "I can even, with time, pull them apart again, but why at the start they were magnetised at all, why those particular moments of experience and no others," "I do not know, and nor does anybody else!" "But if I don't know, if I can never know, what am I doing here?" "I don't mean clinically doing or socially doing, but fundamentally." "These whys, these questions, are fundamental, yet they have no place in a consulting room." "So then do I?" "Do any of us?" "This is the feeling, more and more:" "Displacement." "Relentless displacement." ""Account for me", says staring Equus." ""First, account for me."" "Dr Dysart!" "Dr Dysart!" "There's a terrible scene with the Strang boy in the Violence Room." "His mother brought him chocolates." "He threw them at her, hard." "Don't you dare!" "Don't you dare." "Don't you look at me like that." "I'm not a doctor, who'II take anything." "Don't you give me that stare!" " Mrs Strang?" " Your stares don't work on me." "Leave here at once!" " What did you say?" " I said you're to leave here at once." " Goodbye, alan." " Wait for me here." " I must ask you never to come here again." " Do you think I want to?" "Do you?" "!" "Mrs Strang!" "What on earth has got into you?" " Into me?" "!" " Can't you see he's highly distressed?" "He's at the most delicate stage of treatment, totally exposed, ashamed..." " Everything you can imagine." " And me?" "What about me?" "!" "What do you think I am?" "!" "I'm a parent, so it doesn't count." "That's a dirty word in here, isn't it, "parent"?" " You know that's not true!" " Oh, I know it all right." "I've heard it all my Iife." "It's our fault." "Whatever happens, we did it." "You say "Who forbids television?" "Who does what behind whose back?"" "as if we're criminals!" "Well, Iet me tell you something." "We're not criminals." "We've done nothing wrong!" "We loved alan." "We gave him the best love we could!" "Poor Frank digs into the boy too much, but nothing in excess." "He's not a bully." "No, Doctor." "Whatever has happened has happened because of alan." "If you added up everything we ever did to him, from his first day on earth to this, you wouldn't find out why he did this... terrible thing." "Do you understand what I'm saying?" "I want you to understand, because I lie awake and awake, thinking it out." "And I want you to know that I deny it absolutely, what he's doing now." "The staring at me!" "Attacking me for what he's done!" "For what... he... is..." " (retches)" " Mrs Strang!" "You have your words, and I have mine." "But if you knew God, Doctor, you would know about the Devil." "The Devil isn't made by what Mummy says or what Daddy says." "The Devil is there." "It's an old-fashioned word, but a true thing." "I'II go." "What I did just now was inexcusable." "I only know that... he was my little alan." "And then the Devil came." "I thought you liked your mother." "She doesn't know." "I haven't told her what you told me." " It was lies, anyway." " What was?" "You and your pencil." "Just a con trick, that's all." "Made me say a Iot of lies." " Like what?" " AII of it." "Everything I said, a Iot of lies." "I see." "You ought to be locked up." "bloody tricks!" " I thought you liked tricks." " It'II be the drug next." " What drug?" " I've heard!" "I'm not ignorant." "I know what you get up to, pumping people full of truth drugs so they... can't help saying things." "That's next, isn't it?" "alan... do you know why you're here?" "So... so you can give me truth drugs." " He actually believes they exist." " Truth drugs?" " Yes." " And don't they?" "Of course not." "The important thing is that he... he wants a way to speak, to tell me what happened in those stables." "The tape is too isolated, and hypnosis he pretends is a trick so he can deny it later." "I'm tempted to play a real trick on him." " Like what?" " Give him an aspirin." "Tell him it's the strongest truth drug in the world." "He'd just deny everything again afterwards." "The same thing all over." "No, because I'd tell him the truth afterwards, that it was simply an aspirin." "And he'd believe me." "You know, underneath all that glowering, the boy trusts me." " I'm sure he does." " Poor bloody fool." "Now, please, Martin dear." "Don't start that again." "Can you think of anything worse to do to somebody than take away their worship?" " Worship?" " Yes." "That word again." "Isn't that a Iittle extreme?" "Extremity... is the point." "Worship isn't destructive, Martin." " I know that." " I don't." "I only know it's the core of his life." "What else has he got?" "Think about it." "He can hardly read." "He knows no physics or engineering to make the world real to him." "No paintings to show him how others have enjoyed it." "No music except TV jingles." "No history except tales from a desperate mother." "No friends, not one kid, to give him a joke or make him know himself more moderately." "He's a modern citizen for whom society doesn't exist." "He lives one hour every three weeks howling in a mist." ""With my body, I thee worship."" " Many men are less vital with their wives." " AII the same," " they don't blind their wives, do they?" " Oh, come on." " Well, do they?" " You mean he's a madman?" "A violent, dangerous madman who'II go round doing it again and again?" "I mean he's in pain, Martin." "He's been in pain for most of his life." " Yes." " And you can take it away." " Yes." " Then that's all you need to know." " No." " Why not?" "Because... it is his." " His?" " His pain." "His own." " He made it." " I don't understand." "Well, I don't." "There's nothing meritorious about being in pain." "That's just masochism." "I'm talking about passion, Hesther." "Do you know what that word meant originally?" "Suffering." "The way you get your own spirit through your own suffering." "Self-chosen, self-made." "This boy's done that." "He's created his own desperate ceremony just to... just to ignite one flame of original ecstasy in the spiritless waste around him." "AII right." "He's destroyed for it, horribly." "He's virtually been destroyed by it." "But one thing I know, that boy has known a passion more ferocious than I have known in any second of my Iife." " I envy it." " You can't." "Don't you see?" "That's what his stare's been saying to me all this time:" ""At least I galloped." "When did you?"" "I'm jealous, Hesther." "Jealous... of alan Strang." " That's absurd." " Is it?" "Yes, utterly." "Utterly!" "I go on about my wife." "Have you thought about the husband, the finicky, critical husband with his art books on mythical Greece?" "What worship has he ever known?" "Without worship, you shrink!" "I shrank my own life." "No one can do it for you." "I settle for being pallid and provincial out of my own eternal timidity, the old story of bluster and do bugger all." "I didn't even dare to have children, didn't dare to bring children into a house, a marriage, as cold as mine." "I tell everyone "Margaret's the puritan, I'm the pagan."" "Some pagan!" "Such wild returns I make to the womb of civilisation." "Three weeks a year in the Mediterranean, bed booked in advance, meals paid for." "Cautious jaunts in hired cars, suitcase crammed with Kaopectate." "What a fantastic surrender to the primitive." ""Primitive." I use the word endlessly." ""Ah, the primitive world," I say." ""What instinctual truths were lost with it."" "And while I sit there baiting that poor, unimaginative woman with the word, that freaky boy is trying to conjure the reality." "I Iook at pages of centaurs trampling the soil of Argos, and that boy is trying to become one in a Hampshire field!" "I sit there watching that woman knitting, a woman I haven't kissed in six years!" "And he stands for an hour in the dark, sucking the sweat off his god's hairy cheek." "Then in the morning I put away my books on the cultural shelf, close up my Kodachrome snaps of Mount olympus, touch my reproduction statue of Dionysus for luck," "and go off to the hospital to treat him for insanity." "Now do you see?" "The boy's in pain, Martin." "That's all I see." "I understand, you know." "I'm not just being Mrs MacBrisk." "You haven't made that kind of pain." "So few of us have." "But you've still made other things." "Your own thoughts, your own skill - absolutely what you said, unique to you." "I've watched you do it, year after year, and it's marvellous!" "You can't sit there and say it's all provincial, you're just a butcher." "It's stupid!" "Hateful!" "AII right, you never galloped." "Too bad." "If I have to choose between that boy's galloping and your training," "I'II take the training every time." "What's more, so will the boy, at this moment." "That stare of his isn't accusing you, my dear." "It's simply demanding." " What?" " Just that!" "Your power to pull him out of the nightmare he's galloped himself into!" "Do you see?" "Do you see?" "(Alan) It is all true, what I said after you tapped the pencil." "Postscriptum:" "I know why I'm in here." "(TV blares)" "I got your note." "Thank you." "also for the postscriptum." "Aye, well, that's the right word." "Me mum told me." "It's Latin." "It means "after writing"." "Sorry I didn't see you today." " You were fed up with me." " Yes." "Can I make it up to you now?" "What do you mean?" "I thought we'd have a session." " Now?" " Yes." "At dead of night." "Better than going to sleep, isn't it?" "Listen, alan." "Everything I say has a trick or a catch, everything I do has a trick or a catch." "But they work, and you know that, don't you?" "Trust me." " You got another trick, then?" " Yes." " Truth drug?" " If you Iike." "What's it do?" " Make it easier for you to talk." " Like you can't help yourself?" "Yes." "Like you have to speak the truth at all costs, and all of it." " Where is it?" " In here." "Let's see." " Is that really it?" " Yes." " You want to try it?" " No." " I think you do." " I don't." "Not at all." "Afterwards you'd sleep." "You'd have no more bad dreams all night - probably for many nights from then on." " How long does it take to work?" " It's instant." "Like coffee." " It isn't." " Promise." "Well?" "Can I have a cigarette?" "Pill first." " What will I feel first?" " Nothing much." "After a minute, snakes will come out of that cabinet singing the "Hallelujah Chorus"." "No, I'm serious." "You'II feel nothing." "Nothing is going to happen but what you want to happen." "You're not going to say anything to me but what you want to say." "Sit back." "Relax." "Finish your cigarette." "Bet this room's heard some funny things." "It certainly has." " I Iike it." " This room?" " Don't you?" " Well, there's... nothing much to like, is there?" "Actually, I'd Iike to leave this room and never set foot in it again in my Iife." " Why?" " Been in it too long." " Where would you go?" " Somewhere." "Secret?" "Yes." "There's a sea... a great sea, that I Iove." "It's where the gods used to bathe." " What gods?" " The old ones, before they died." "Gods don't die." "Oh, yes, they do." "Come with me." "There's a village I spent a night in once, where I'd Iike to live." "AII white." "How would you nosy-parker, though?" "You wouldn't have a room for it any more." "I wouldn't mind." "I don't actually enjoy being a nosy parker, you know." " Then why do it?" " Because you're unhappy." "So are you." "Here!" "I didn't mean that." " It's all right." " Is that how it works?" "Things just slip out without you feeling anything?" "Yes." " It's so quick." " I told you." " You can say anything under it?" " Yes." "Well, ask me a question." "AII right." "Tell me about Jill." " Nothing to tell." " Nothing?" "Well, for example, is she pretty?" "You've never described her to me." "She's all right." "What colour's her hair?" " Don't know." " Is it long or short?" " Don't know." " Come on." "Surely you must know that." "I don't remember." "I don't!" "alan, you're going to do this, and do it now." "You're going to tell me everything that happened, and now." "Not just tell me." "Show me." "Act it out, if you Iike." "Even more than when I tapped the pencil." "I want you to feel free to do anything you Iike." "The pill will help you, I will help you." "Now, describe her to me." "Is her hair long, or short?" " Down to here." " Are you sure?" "Yes!" " Well?" " She was posh." " You mean snobbish?" " Ye..." "No..." "I don't know!" " She was always looking..." " At you?" "..saying stupid things." " always asking questions." " Like what?" " Do you find them sexy?" " What?" " Horses." " Don't be daft." "Girls do." "I mean, they go through a period where they pat them and kiss them a Iot." "I know I did." "I suppose it's just a substitute, really." "That kind of thing, all the time." " Till one night..." " Yes?" "What?" "It was her idea." "She got me into the whole thing." ""One night" - go on from there." "It was a Saturday night." "We were just closing up." "How would you Iike to take me out?" " What?" " Would you Iike to take me out tonight?" " No, I've got to go home." " What for?" " They expect me." " Ring up, and say you're going out." " I can't." " Why not?" " They expect me." " Look, either we go out together and have some fun, or you go back to your boring home as usual, and I go back to mine." "That's the situation, isn't it?" " Where would we go?" " There's a skin flick over in Winchester." "I've never seen one." "Have you?" "Wouldn't you Iike to?" "AII those heavy Swedes, panting at one another." "Well?" "What do you say?" "Yeah." "Well?" " So you did?" " Tired now." "I want to stop." " You can't stop there." " I want to go to bed!" " You can't!" "I want to hear about that film." " It was bloody awful." " Why?" "Why?" "!" " Nosy parker!" " Because..." " Yes?" "The whole place was full of men." "Jill was the only girl." "It was daft." "AII took place in Sweden." "There was this girl, Brita, who was 16." "She went to stay in this house where this older boy kept giving her looks." "But she ignored him completely." "Instead she took a shower." "She went into the bathroom and took off all her clothes, the lot, very very slowly." "It was fantastic." "Water fell down her, bouncing off her breasts." "Was it the first time you'd seen a girl naked?" "Yes." "Couldn't see everything, though." "It was funny." "All around me, all the men were staring up like they were in a church," "like a secret congregation." "Like the early Christians me mum talks about, the ones that came together in caves underground." "And then..." "Christ!" " My dad!" " Where?" "At the back." "He saw me." " Just ignore him." " alan!" "You can hear me." "Do I have to come and fetch you?" "!" " alan!" " (man) Shut up, will you?" "Come here this instant!" "Come on!" " You went with him, then?" " What else could I do?" "It was weird." "It turned into follow-the-leader." "Dad trying to look impressive, and me..." "I suppose thinking I ought to copy him." "It was absolutely stupid." "We stood at the bus stop like three people in a queue who didn't know each other." "We must have stayed like that for five minutes." "I tried to speak." "I said" "I've never been in there before in my Iife." "Never." "Honest." "Jill tried." "It's true, Mr Strang." "It wasn't alan's idea to go there at all." "It was mine." "I'm not shocked by films like that." "I just... think they're silly, that's all." "Bus wouldn't come." "We stood, we stood..." "And then suddenly he spoke - but like it was somebody else talking for him." "I would Iike you to know something." "Both of you." "(roller-skating boy) Hey!" "I came here tonight to see the manager." "He asked me to call on him for business purposes." "I happen to be a printer, Miss..." "The picture house needs posters." "That is entirely why I'm here, to discuss posters." "And while I was there, I happened to glance in, and I saw..." "I am going to complain to the council." "I had no idea they showed films like this." "I'm certainly going to refuse my services." "Yes, of course." "So long as that is understood." "Perfectly." "Come along, alan." "No." "No fuss, please." "Say good night to the young lady." "No, I'm stopping here." "I've got to see her home." "It's proper." "Oh." "Very well." "I'II see you when you choose to return, eh?" "Very well." "Miss." " Terrible." " What was?" "His face." "He was scared." "Scared of me." "We've got to walk." "It's four miles." "Yes?" "What were you thinking?" "It was like I'd been fooled," "like I was the only person who didn't know." "Every man in the street, they all do it, all of them." "They're not just dads, they're all people with pricks." "My dad's not just a dad, either." "He's a man with a prick too." "He's nothing special, nothing special at all, just a poor old sod on his own." "He goes and does his own secret thing which no one will know about, just like me." "You were happy, weren't you, when you thought about your dad?" "Other people have secrets too, not just you." " Yes." " And you felt free, didn't you?" "Free to do almost anything." "Yes!" "What's in your head?" "Her eyes." "I keep looking at them because I really want..." "I really want to I..." "To look at her breasts?" "Yes." "I Iove your eyes." "Her face was so warm." "You want her very much?" " Christ!" " Go on." " I can't!" " You're doing wonderfully." " Don't make me, please!" " Now, don't think, just answer." "Come on, alan." "Where are you now, alan?" "Cabbages, with the moon on them." "Like steel." "All the country like it's been steel-plated." "I know absolutely where we're going." "Absolutely." "And I can't stop it." " What?" " It's nothing." "Come on, then." "Where do you go now?" "Into his temple, his holy of holies?" "What else can I do?" " Are you all right?" " Why?" "You look weird." "Come here." "Hello." "Hello." "Good things come in threes." "(thud)" "What's the matter?" "alan?" "What is it?" "Say." "Yes, all right, leave." "(horse kicks stall door)" "(horse snorts)" "Take your sweater off." "What?" "I will, if you will." "You're beautiful." "So are you." "She put her mouth in mine." "It was lovely." "It was lovely." "What did you do then?" " I put it in her." " Yes?" " I put it in her." " You did?" " Yes." " Was it easy?" " Yes." " Describe it." " I told you." " More exactly." " I put it in her!" " Did you?" " Yes!" " Did you?" " All the way!" " Did you?" "All the way!" "I shoved it, I put it in her all the way!" " Did you?" " Yes!" " Did you, alan?" "Tell me the truth!" " Yes!" " Did you?" " Fuck off!" "What was it?" "You couldn't, or you... wanted to very much?" " I couldn't see her!" " What do you mean?" "Only him." "Every time I kissed her, he was in the way." " Who?" " You know who!" "When I touched her, I felt him - his side, under me, waiting for my hand." "I refused him." "I Iooked, looked right at her, and I couldn't do it." "When I shut my eyes, I saw him at once, the streaks on his belly." "I couldn't feel her flesh at all." "I wanted the foam off his neck." "Not flesh, hide - horsehide." "Then I couldn't even kiss her." " Hello?" " No!" "It's all right." "It's all right." "I don't mind, really I don't." "alan?" " Look at me." " Get out." " What?" " Out!" "There's nothing wrong." "Believe me." "please believe me, there's nothing at all wrong." "Get out!" "Listen to me." "Why don't we just sit down for a bit and talk?" " please." " Just talk." "please!" "Look, alan, there's nothing wrong, you know." "It happens sometimes." "It really doesn't matter." "Well, you tell anyone..." "Just you tell and see, that's all." "Who do you think I am, alan?" "I'm your friend!" " Do you want me to go, then?" " Get out!" "(whispers) Equus?" "Equus?" "Friend." "Friend!" "Equus the Merciful, forgive me." "It wasn't me, not really me." "Take me back." "I'II never do it again, I swear." "please!" "please!" "And he, what does he say?" ""Mine." "You're mine."" ""I am yours, and you are mine."" ""I see you." "I see you, always, everywhere, for ever."" ""Kiss anyone and I will see."" ""Lie with anyone and I will see. "" ""And you will fail, Alan." "For ever and ever you will fail. "" ""You will see me and you will fail. "" ""The Lord thy god is a jealous god. "" "He sees you, Alan." "He sees you for ever and ever, Alan." "He sees you!" "He sees you!" "Eyes, white eyes all around, Iike flames!" "Coming, coming!" "God sees, God sees!" "My god hast seen!" "No." "No more, Equus." "Thou god... seest... nothing." "Nothing!" "Here I am!" "Find me!" "Find me!" "Kill me!" "Kill me!" "Find me, and kill me!" "Kill me!" "Find me, and kill me!" "Find me, and kill me." "Find me, and kill me." "Find me, and kill me." "Find me, and kill me!" "Kill me, kill me, kill me!" "(chokes)" "alan!" "alan!" "alan!" "alan?" "Breathe in." "Calm." "Calm, alan." "Calm." " (sobs hysterically)" " Calm." "Calm." "Breathe in." "Deep." "Deep." "Breathe in." "Out... in..." "Out... in..." "Out..." "Come on." "Come on, that's a good boy." "Keep it going." "In, out, in, out..." "Keep it going." "Keep it going, keep it going." "Easy now." "Easy now." "There..." "There." "It's all over now, alan." "AII over now." "He'II go away now." "You'II never see him again." "You'II never see him again, I promise you." "There'II be no more bad dreams." "No more awful nights." "Think of that." "You're going to be well." "I'm going to make you well." "I promise you." "You just trust me." "Trust me." "Just trust me." "Trust me." "Now trust me, alan." "Go on, Iie back." "Lie back." "sleep..." "Here's sleep." "You've earned it." "sleep, alan." "sleep." "Remember, he'II go away now." "I'm going to make you well." "sleep." "sleep." "I'm lying to you, alan." "He won't really go that easily, just clop away like some nice old carthorse." "When Equus leaves, if he leaves at all, it'II be with your... intestines in his teeth." "And I don't stock replacements." "The boy's in pain, Martin." "(Martin) Yes." " And you can take it away." " Yes." "Then that has to be enough for you." "All right, I'll take it away." "What then?" "He'll feel himself acceptable." "What then?" "Do you think feelings like his can be simply reattached," "like plasters, stuck on other objects we select?" "Look at him!" "My desire might be to make of this boy an ardent husband, a caring citizen, a worshipper of abstract and unifying God!" "My achievement, however, is more likely to make a ghost!" "I'll heal the rash on his body." "I'll erase the welts cut into his mind by flying manes." "And then I'll put him on a metal scooter, send him puttering off into the concrete world, and he'll never touch hide again." "Hopefully, he'II feel nothing at his fork but approved flesh." "I doubt, however, with much passion." "Passion, you see, can be destroyed by a doctor." "It cannot be created." "You won't gallop any more, alan." "Horses will be quite safe." "You'II save your money every week, and change that scooter for a car, and spend glorious weekends grooming that." "You'II pop round to the betting shop and put the odd 50 pence "on the nags", forgetting they ever meant more to you than bearers of little profits and losses." "You will, however, be without... pain, almost completely without... pain." "And now, for me, it never stops." "The voice of Equus, out of the cave." ""Why me?"" ""Why me?"" ""First, account for me."" "How can I?" "In an ultimate sense, I cannot know what I do in this place." "Yet I do ultimate things, irreversible things." "And I..." "I stand in the dark, with a blade in my hand, striking at heads." "I need, more desperately than my children need me, a way of seeing in the dark." "What way is this?" "What dark is this?" "I cannot call it ordained of God!" "I cannot go so far!" "I will, however, pay it so much homage." "There is now in my mouth this sharp chain," "and it never comes out."