"Greetings, thrill-shriekers." "Care to join me on the scare lift?" "Good." "Your pal the Crypt Keeper's quite the ex-scream skier." "I just love the feeling of going fester and fester." "Talk about hack-xhilarating!" "Which is kind of how the man in tonight's terror tale feels." "He's just started down a black die-mond run of his own." "In a nasty nugget I call "Surprise Party"." "I hope you find it comfortable." "Don't get too many folks up here." " Thanks." " Glad to have you." "If the rain ever stops and the sun comes out, ain't no prettier view than this one right here." "Beautiful." "I had no idea it was so rural out here." "Clean and safe." "Good night, Mr. Wells." "Say, you wouldn't happen to be related to the Wells that owns the farm" " outside of town, would you?" " Yeah, I'm his son." "Actually, I just inherited the place." "That's why I'm here." " I'm gonna see it tomorrow." " Oh." "So you're the son of Desmond?" "Yeah." " Is there something wrong?" " Not for me." "So you're going out there?" "Well, if that's what you want to do..." "Some folks out there are going to be surprised to see you." "Yes, sir." "Yes, sir." "That place burned down 20 years ago." "How could there be anyone in it?" "Uh-huh." "Well, I wouldn't care to find out." "I just let things be." "Just let them be." "Ain't been anyone near there for years." "Not since your father left after the fire." "Well, then, how do you know there's anyone there?" "Lights, sometimes, and sounds." "Could be imagination, but I ain't curious enough to find out." " No, sir." "No, sir, not me." " Lights on my property?" " What are you talking about, lady?" " God be with you or good luck, whichever you believe in." "Oh, yes, sir." "Lights on my property." "Mr. Wells." "Mr. Wells." "Mr. Wells." "Mr. Wells, your son is here." "I called him like you asked." "He's here." "Mr. Wells, can you hear me?" "He started going downhill yesterday." "Maybe seeing you will do him some good." "That would be a first." "Thanks for coming." "Well, I never thought I'd hear that." "They tell me I don't have much time left," " so I wanted to see you." " You wanted to see me?" "Sure you did, you dried-up son of a bitch." "You had to squeeze that last drop of feeling out of me before you died, didn't you?" "Ray, Ray, please don't talk to me like that." "I drew up a will." "Did it myself a couple days ago." "Yeah." "I wanted to explain it to you." "It was no damn explanation." "The will's on the table." "Get it." "You're giving the property to charity?" "To charity?" "Ha!" "Ray, I'm doing it for your own good." "What a guy." "Wait, wait, wait." "This isn't even official!" "Notary's coming tomorrow." "Well, that's fine." "I'll destroy it today." "Go ahead." "I'll just make another one." "Listen to me, damn it, that's the way the will stays." "The fire destroyed everything." "There is nothing left there but my memories." "Ray." "Ray." "It's cursed grounds." "You have to believe me." "If there's only one thing I would do for you, it would be to see that you never set foot there." "That property is mine, God damn it." " You never wrote this will." "It doesn't exist." " Ray..." "And as your only surviving heir, everything you got goes to me." "What are you doing?" "You can't deny me what's mine." "Damn you." "Nurse!" "That property is mine." "Ray." "It's cursed ground." "Never set foot there." "What..." "Excuse me." "Excuse me." "Hey, hello!" "Look, people, I don't know what you're doing here, but I want you out!" "Now, you hear me?" "Hey, sweet cheeks." "Hey, man, you get your hands off me." "Are you stoned or what?" "Maybe a little partied out." "Well, that's good, good, 'cause I want you out of here in five minutes." "Look, people, maybe I didn't make myself clear." "You are trespassers." "If you're not off this property in five minutes, I'm calling the cops." "I own this place." "My name is Ray Wells!" "Right on!" "Wait." "That's it!" " Is there a pay phone near here?" " Man, are you kidding?" "Oh, no." "You can ask the cops when they get here, darling, if I was kidding." "Oh, man, it's such a nasty night out, and the police department's only got two guys." "I don't know if they're gonna wanna come all the way out here" " just to interrupt an innocent little party." " Party?" "Trust me, darling, this ain't a party." "Damn!" "Where did this hunka-hunka burning love come from?" "Hey, Mr. Wells, if you insist on tromping through the mud to turn us all in, then I insist that you fortify yourself first." "Go on." "It's not gonna bite you." "I'm the thing that's gonna do that." "Easy, slugger." "That stuff's pretty rough." "What is this?" "Fruit juice, some Tang, a little sherbet, and lots of grain alcohol." "I call it Midnight Special, 'cause if you drink it till midnight, things get pretty damn special." " With this crowd?" " You'd be surprised." "I'd be shocked." "Here you go." "Feeling special yet?" "I'll let you know, Josie." "It is Josie, isn't it?" "That's my name." "I can see that." "Tell me something, what are all these people doing in my house?" "Waiting for you, angel." "We were so hoping that you'd come by and check out your property." "Now that you're here, think of this as your housewarming." "Well, that's very nice of you all." " Mind if I unbutton your shirt?" " Nope, be my guest." "Midnight, here we come." "Josie, you want to dance?" "I'm having a conversation, Frank, or didn't you notice?" "Yeah, I noticed." "I'll dance with you in a couple minutes, okay?" "You know, I had a feeling this would happen with you." "The second he comes waltzing in this door, you're all over him like white on rice." "Frank!" "Sorry, sorry." "I forgot, I'm just the caretaker here." "Who do I think I am, right?" "Come on." " Hold the lamp, would you?" " Sure." "So, that guy, he takes care of the house?" " Yeah, does a great job, doesn't he?" " Yeah." "He's always so jealous." "God, I hate that." "Do me a favor, put the can back on the shelf?" "Sure, sure." "Fancy meeting you here." "I can't tell you how much I've waited for this." "Is that right?" "I know it sounds strange, but I always knew that someday you'd inherit this house." "I was just praying that you weren't gonna be some pathetic little creature." "And now you..." " Let's go." " Yeah." " Wait, I'm not ready yet." " You're not ready?" "Now, I'm ready." "I'm gonna tear you to pieces." "You son of a bitch!" "You think you can just walk into my house and take anything you want?" "Well, screw you, pal!" "I see you looking at my woman again, I will kill you!" "You got it wrong, pal." "This is my house, and as for your woman there, bright boy, she was begging for it." " Frank!" "Stop it!" " Oh, baby, I'm gonna kill this..." "Frank, look out!" "It's okay." "He came at me in my own house!" "It was self-defense." "Shut up!" "Shut up!" "Shut up!" "Shut up!" "God damn it!" "Shut up!" "Shut up!" "Oh, Jesus." "Damn, damn, damn." "God." "You should have stopped screaming." "Damn it!" "JOSIE:" "I don't think so, Ray." "You know, Ray, it's one thing to be a jerk-off, but you could at least be original about it." " What?" " Look, Frank, he's even got the same lighter his father used." "Oh, what, Ray?" "Daddy never told you about his wild parties?" "He never told you about the one he threw in '73?" " That was a real barn burner." " Oh, God, no." "No." "Yeah, everything was going great, until he got drunk and decided he had dibs on my little girl here." " And then, when I walked in on them..." " He knows the rest." "Don't you, Ray?" "Roasting 15 people alive." "Pretty rotten way to cover his ass, don't you think, Ray?" "Would you like to see?" "So, you can see why we've been so anxious to meet you." "We've been partying a long time, waiting for you to show up, fuego boy." " We are very tired." " Maybe now we can get some rest." "No!" "I'm not my father!" "No, stop!" "Poor Ray." "Well, at least he went out in a blaze of gory." "Still, talk about a pain in the ash!" "Bye, Cryptie." "As for me, kiddies, I'm about skied out." "Not that I didn't have fun, but these boots are killing me!" "Oh, my." "Now that's what I call the agony of de-feet!" "English" " SDH"