"MAN:" "Tower two." "Stand by." "[ speaks indistinctly ]" "That's affirmative." "Nabi." "We are at the doorstep of our martyrdom." "Praise Allah." "Praise him! and by the cheers of our forefathers and by 99 perfect virgins who will worship us for all eternity!" "I thought it was 100." "What's that?" "100 virgins- they promised me 100." "100- what's the difference? maybe they don't know for sure." "Maybe." "Maybe the exact number of virgins is not precise." "I can live with that." "Or 75." "but what if it's 10?" "Well but we have to split them between us?" "Then you'll have five more virgins right?" "We're talking about eternity here!" "How long will five virgins last youmaybe a month?" "right?" "would it make you feel better if we called the big guy?" "Yes." "Take the stick." "Okay." "It's ringing." "it's Asif." "we're on it." "you know?" "What are you going to do?" "Nabi has a question." "Will you talk to him?" "No!" "[ mutters indistinctly ]" "You do it!" "Hello!" "Yes." "it's about the virgins." "Really?" "It was 100 when I signed up." "[ sighs ]" "He said it's not that many anymore." "Too many martyrs in the first go-around." "You've got to be kidding me." "Does he know where we are here?" "Give me the phone." "Take the stick." "it's Asif. as far as virgins are concerned?" "that's fine." "MAN:" "Do it!" "man!" "He can't guarantee more than 20." "you bastards!" "you motherfucker!" "MAN 4:" "Lying pieces of shit!" "MAN 5:" "Open the door!" "MAN 6:" "Open this fucker!" "right?" "I'm glad you said it first." "get on the intercom to the passengers." "We are changing course for the Bahamas." "Bahamas!" "Aah!" "[ indistinct shouting ]" "We're going to the Bahamas!" "[ indistinct shouting ]" "Aah!" "[ whistling ]" "[ gunshots ]" "and a long weekend." "The standoff with Mr. Cruise" "Has now stretched into its eighth day." "Cruise continues to insist that police are violating" "citing human sacrifice as essential" "mayoral candidate Eugene Wells" "and the newest toy craze of the year" "Krotchy dolls." "Stay tuned." "It's gonna be a super-dupe show." "Turn down that fucking TV!" "I can't hear my show." "[ indistinct shouting on TV ] nothing's good on anyway." "preparing for my interview." "Fight!" "you fight like a pussy." "No one's gonna hire your sorry ass." "Why don't you go suck up to your Uncle Dave already?" "[ gagging ]" "God damn it!" "What the hell is going on out there?" "!" "Ugh." "Nothing." "Make sure you pick up that welfare check!" "sweetie pie [ speaks indistinctly ] [ squishing ]" "Come on!" "Come on!" "No." "Bad boy." "Bad boy." "I told you- no poopies in our yard." "No poopies in this yard." "You only poop in the next-door neighbor's yard." "[ gunshots pinging ]" "Feces in the yard." "[ sighs ]" "That's a violation of trailer-park ordinance number 101-40." "Stop eating the poop." "I'll add that to the list." "Th-the list?" "The list." "Great." "The list." "W-what else?" "What else you got on the list?" "Ordinance number 143-11." "Yesterday around lunchtime. but ordinance number 143-11 which is exactly what I'm gonna do!" "okay." "you inbred hick." "I wasn't even here yesterday afternoon." "[ laughs ] [ sighs ]" "I hate this town." "Matt!" "Whatever!" "This fucking sucks. does not exist." "All the space missions that we've heard about since we were little kids in school- creations of Hollywood." "We did not land on the moon." "There is no John Glenn." "there's a John Glenn who's a Senator hello?" "professor." "a reading library?" "buddy." "no "two minutes" now." "or bye-bye." "Bye-dee now now." "bye-bye." "Go on." "Bye-bye." "You bye-bye." "Goodbye." "Goodbye." "Hey." "Don't let the door hit you on the way out." "Mohammed says he needs to talk to you again." "What about?" "What else?" "what did she say about me exactly?" "That slut." "and rhyme till I die with an AK-47 from side to side jihad killers it's hot in here you just to stake that out of this atmosphere jihad killers" "My brother." "Any police come around today?" "Anything suspicious?" "Mohammed." "Trust me you are safely hidden here for as long as you want." "that may not be for much longer." "Oh?" "We have news from Afghanistan." "News?" "Oh." "It is all coming together." "The shipment left three days ago." "Oh." "Praise Allah." "will be it here?" "Tomorrow!" "The time has come for us to place our swords to the genitals of the infidels." "[ exhales deeply ]" "Whoo-hoo!" "[ chuckles nervously ] [ groans lightly ]" "[ keys clacking ]" "Gah." "I see you noticed the heads- motivational." "Those are every fucking bastard that I had to climb over to get this job." "Jesus." "[ laughs ]" "Foul." "They're paper-mache." "They're- he thought they were real." "[ chuckles ] Sit down." "Let's get started." "I hope you don't mi" "I hope you don't mind the recording." "we're gonna use it as training later." "Ready?" "yeah." "It's good." "What the fuck is wrong with you?" "uh- the chair is actually- shall we?" "sir." "Good." "Well sir." "Right." "You're a factory worker." "I was. and" "I've interviewed 15 other people for this job." "What makes you think you're better than them?" "I don't know if I am better than them." "pal." "you better reach out and grab it." "You better put those fucking heads on the wall." "You know what?" "Fuck it." "Let's go to the questions." "What is your greatest strength?" "Um" "I'm a really good team player." "Wrong." "[ keys clacking ]" "What is your biggest weakness?" "I'd say I work too hard." "Wrong." "How would you move a mountain using only a spoon?" "A spoon?" "how would you think outside it?" "if you're in a" "Wrong." "Last question" "What is the difference between a duck?" "And?" "What the hell is wrong with you people?" "!" "A d-a wh-duck?" "a job!" "that job motherfucking duck!" "[ keys clacking ] pal." "You're our leading candidate." "How does it feel?" "[ keys clacking ]" "It feels good." "no." "How's it feel?" "How does it feel?" "how does it feel to put fucking 15 heads on that wall?" "I'll tell you how it feels." "doesn't it?" "unh" "I got it?" "I got the job?" "no." "This was just a like a getting-to-know-you interview." "we have- we have a couple of more120." "more- more candidates to talk to." "though." "Absolutely." "Last thing before you go" "I'd like you to sing the company fight song." "[ up-tempo guitar music plays ]" "it's a company a high-flying company and it will cheerfully work you to death the pension is sold and your cube will be your casket a high-flying company now please get back to work [ music stops ]" "We'll get back to you." "[ keys clacking ]" "I hate this town." "and Harmony" plays ] change has begun ah spread the word today ah follow the flower children let them lead the way" "Brothers and sisters" "I am proud to introduce to you the one." "[ cheers and applause ]" "Hold up your energies for Uncle Dave!" "[ cheers and applause ] good group." "[ inhales deeply ]" "Welcome to the Denomination of Organic Monotheism." "I congratulate you all on taking the first step to freedom by completing your training program." "you've come to the correct conclusion that the American dream is not a dream for you." "WOMAN:" "That's right!" "In fact it is a nightmare [ cheers and applause ] yeah!" "a nightmare that soon will be engulfed in the all-encompassing flames of God's damnation!" "Yeah!" "oh!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Who loves God?" "We do!" "We do!" "We do!" "[ knock on door ]" "RICHARD:" "David?" "Huh?" "yeah." "Initiation." "I love this part." "this is strictly ritualistic. but we've got some rather important business." "[ grunts ]" "The girls- they need to go." "Oh!" "Mm." "Okay." "it appears that Brother Richard here commingle ourour energies." "Sweetiesweetie- move." "[ pop!" "]" "DAVE:" "There we go." "WOMAN:" "But I want more communion." "Wa-kah!" "I promise." "It's my favorite meal of the day." "Don't worry about it." "RICHARD:" "That's nice." "hello." "God bless it." "what the fuck is it?" "What's the problem?" "We're having something [gasps] of a cash-flow problem." "Richie?" "Did you see all those recruits out there today?" "It's true. and we got more tail running around here than the- but it's- [ farts ] [ water splashing ]" "Rich?" "[ breathing heavily ] Well [ farts ] it's the IRS." "what do they want?" "it seems we haven't paid our taxes in three years." "man? it's difficult to justify contributing um [ farts ] [ water splashing ] apparently even a selective tax payment is not an option." "you know I don't like to micromanage." "all right?" "Well Huh?" "[ exhales heavily ] What's your plan?" "[ gagging ] uh" "Ohh!" "[ toilet flushing ] or everything is all over- everything." "And you you go to jail." "how much do we owe?" "Mm exhales deeply ]" "$1.3 million and 79 cents." "Rich." "Uncle Dave. G-O-D always opens a window." "Oh." "Richie." "I'd like to be alone." "I'm in the other room." "Rich." "And parents and children alike have been lining up for weeks to get their hands on them." "We'll be back in two minutes." "See you then." "I prey on the innocent living on the grind tryin' to get a dollar out of 15 cents hi." "Come here." "Help me out with a few bucks." "II don't have any money." "I'm serious." "Come over here." "I need a few bucks to get a bus to go see my kids." "I don't have- come here." "Come here." "I want to talkcome here." "Get the fuck out of here." "you know?" "You got a good job." "You got a big car." "and I got nothing." "And fuck everybody who even looks like you!" "Get the fuck out of here!" "brace yourself pal." "just to see how it feels" "GREG:" "It's green." "you can make the light!" "Hey!" "[ horn honking ] Oh." "You can make the light!" "bitch!" "God damn." "She could have made the fucking light." "She forget her glass." "You say "glass"?" "Yes." "you frankfurt-eating motherfucker?" "I bought all these goddamn English CDs" "For you to say fucking "glass"?" "It's "glasses. and this bitch is fucking up the traffic!" "Greg." "You fucking calm down! and they eat up all our goddamn dogs!" "Go and help her." "Come on." "WOMAN:" "What's the holdup?" "!" "You're right." "I'm trippin'." "I'll just get out of the car and make sure she's doing okay." "She's an old lady." "[ sighs ]" "I feel bad now." "[ woman shouts indistinctly ]" "Hi." "The light is green." "[ speaking native language ]" "The light is green." "You could have went through the light." "The light turned gr-- what did you say?" "[ speaking native language ] bitch?" "Aah!" "Why don't you stir-fry that?" "[ man laughing ]" "WOMAN:" "Holy fuck!" "MAN:" "Damn!" "that'll get her moving!" "Man." "What happened over there?" "Bitch called me nigger." "[ indistinct conversations ]" "Ooh." "Whoa-ho-ho!" "Did you see that?" "Yeah." "[ chuckles ] she'll look like she's been hit with a mayonnaise truck." "[ both laugh ]" "Mr. Stickum." "[ both laugh ]" "I hope she comes back." "You got to hold it." "[ whimpers ]" "Thank you." "Okay." "All set?" "Yes." "What do you got?" "I will have a medium [ inhales sharply ] [ squeaking ] you know what?" "I'm gonna have a large." "I'll have a large mocha." "Okay." "No." "you know what?" "Maybe amaybe a vanilla." "Okay." "W-w-what do you think goes better with bagels?" "Unh!" "You had 10 minutes to make up your fucking mind!" "What is it with you people?" "Can somebody please tell me?" "nothing else." "right?" "huh?" "How about it?" "I know." "Here we go." "You're gonna have a regular coffee." "Carefulthe beverage you're about to enjoy is extremely hot." "Next?" "Uh" "What?" "um- please." "[ rock music plays ]" "I can't believe this is the first time you've ever been here." "Huh." "And here I am- I actually am your Uncle Dave." "[ chuckles ] Yeah." "when was the last time I saw you?" "right before the wedding night." "right." "That was fun." "I wonder if that donkey survived." "[ inhales deeply ] what do you think of the place?" "it'sit's amazing." "you know?" "Me?" "we always talked right?" "Yeah. how they'll believe anything if you just tell it to them a couple of times? and here I fucking am." "Man." "you know?" "[ exhales deeply ]" "Yeah. 'cause I find myself in a- in a financial situation." "But I could use a partner." "no." "Uncle Dave." "II don't do that type of shit anymore." "it'd be like old times." "Remember when we stole the flag from the Governor's Mansion?" "Twice." "Yeah." "man." "I got arrested the second time." "that plan wasn't foolproof." "they prosecuted me I couldn't get into a good college or get a good job or" "I pretty much just play by the rules." "all right?" "or you break them." "Anything else is just slow death." "that's what it feels like." "Yeah." "man." "right?" "I always let you go your own way." "Yeah." "right?" "the nice home." "you let me know." "have a souvenir ashtray." "Thanks." "right?" "man." "I'll give you $250 worth of food stamps." "You understand what I'm saying?" "Major profit there." "pal." "It's a fucking great deal." "Shit." "MAN 2:" "That's $82." "[ bell dings ] $82." "You're good at math." "that's you." "You're next." "use my pen." "Use my pen and don't forget to date it." "23-6." "have you heard that since the United States has closed their borders they're getting rid of the Statue of Liberty?" "I don't understand you." "All that scrap copper's gonna be for sale." "I don't want copper!" "You go away!" "Wrong form." "What?" "!" "Wrong form!" "all right?" "!" "I'm not leaving here until I get my money!" "let's go." "Come on." "Where's the pen?" "Where's my pen?" "come here." "He's got my pen." "Hey!" "Hey!" "MAN:" "Down!" "Down!" "Shit!" "[ woman screams ] [ woman humming ]" "[ gunshots ]" "WOMAN 2:" "Fuck me!" "[ humming continues ] Help me!" "[ gunshots continue ] Ugh!" "Aah!" "my god!" "MAN:" "Just get down!" "Get down!" "[ man screaming ]" "That does it!" "Don't do it!" "Don't do it!" "Don't do it!" "Don't do it!" "Don't do it!" "I need backup!" "Unh!" "Unh!" "[ indistinct shouting ]" "Sweet." "[ speaking native language ] [ grunts ]" "Aah!" "More fucking backup!" "[ bell dings ]" "Number 25!" "Right here." "Here." "Right here." "we're closed." "[ siren wailing ] WOMAN:" "My baby!" "POLICEMAN:" "Ha!" "Unh!" "Unh!" "Unh!" "Oof!" "woman moaning ] yeah!" "Oh!" "[ moaning ] yes!" "Come on!" "daddy." "Give it to your bad girl." "[ up-tempo music playing ] [ moaning ] yes!" "Give it to me!" "Oh!" "yes!" "[ music continues ] sweet cheeks." "[ breathing heavily ]" "neighbor." "huh?" "Okay." "love" "I'm sucker for love your love is a love that I can't get enough of your love" "Got to find the wet spot." "[ laughs ]" "[ metal creaking ]" "Leave the welfare check on the counter." "yeah." "yeah." "Oh!" "you stud." "Yes." "yeah!" "Yes!" "Get me a large bottle of cooking oil." "The extra-virgin kind!" "yes!" "Yes!" "[ moaning intensifies ] yes!" "Oh! justjust enough to get me out of this fuckhole town please?" "sport." "Last chance." "Come on." "Help me out with a few bucks." "I don't have anything." "huh?" "huh?" "I'll help out myself." "Open up the wallet." "who you talking to?" "No." "Let go of my gun." "What's the matter with you?" "you still there?" "[ muttering ] bro?" "I got to ask you" "What do you think of those- those mileage rewards programs?" "What's the matter with you?" "Let go." "No!" "I thought you could use those miles anytime right?" "and you can't use them at Christmas." "Last chance." "No." "Give me the gun!" "No." "[ gunshot ] sport." "[ thud ]" "It's like at every holiday it's blacked out." "it's blacked out." "isn't it?" "Dave?" "Yeah?" "I'm in." "You are?" "man." "But you know what?" "uh [ static buzzing ] give you a new beacon of strength against the great Satan of the West. we will strike a blow against America so swift and terrible that the evil ones will collapse once and for all." "We are asking those of the true faith and praise Allah when the glorious slaughter begins." "And cut!" "Sammy." "Just wonderful!" "You truly outdid yourself this time." "Youyou hold the screen." "yet unbelievable." "I almost cried in the middle there." "You have such aa star quality." "You can't put it into words." "You are a true superstar." "Your voice" "Your eyes- they were popping." "[ whimpering ] What?" "Don't you know I'm lactose intolerant?" "Are you trying to kill me?" "[ sighs ]" "Who writes this shit?" "Mohammed." "I tell them about Allah and glory." "And what do I get?" "What do I get every damn time?" "Virgins." "Ding ding ding ding ding ding." "Nobody wants to die anymore unless they get virgins." "But no one has to die this time." "That is genius of the shipment." "the shipment!" "big whoop!" "What is it this time- more Anthrax?" "[ coughs ] sammy" "Why do you have to be like that?" "Remember the thing with the planes a few years back?" "hmm?" "do you remember that?" "Child's play!" "Tomorrow is when we really make our mark- me and the shipment of Krotchy dolls." "I'm gonna go watch "Oprah." "She's looking good these days." "The diet is working." "I will do anything it takes to get the fuck out of Paradise- anything!" "DAVE:" "Okay." "Take me up the ass." "Just kidding." "[ chuckles ] here." "You know these things?" "Krotchy dolls?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "number one." "and the guy who does the voice for it- right?" "It doesn't matter." "It doesn't matter." "All that matters right?" "sadly the Chinese tanker bringing them over here sank." "000 dolls." "none of the crew was rescued." "there's not enough dolls?" "man." "One of these dolls sold at auction this morning 000." "Fuck me." "Yeah." "And uh uh it's 800- you move- if it's three zeros h-- you move the decimal back." "wait." "Or" "It's a fucking lot of money!" "it's an ass-load of money." "a couple of asses." "Yeah." "Okay." "Okay." "what do you want out of me?" "Come up with the plan. that was my plan." "That sucked." "It had certain structural flaws." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Okay." "Okay." "Okay." "What we got to do is we got to- we got to go to little Germany Yeah. and we got towe got to bring them back here." "uh truck." "Truck." "A truck would be good." "one they can't trace back to us." "Right." "Aha." "Huh?" "Yeah." "You got an idea?" "I got something." "it's gone." "Oh." "George W. Bush is a sham." "He's an actor." "That's not even his real name." "He knows too much." "he's crazy." "He suspects nothing." "I'm sorry. and we must take no chances." "No." "Ohh!" "[ giggling ] [ beeping ]" "heaven tarts sugar logs powdered flakes and sweetie o's." "[ beeping continues ] [ clears throat ]" "low-calorie fudge ice cream." "[ slurping ]" "[ beeping continues ]" "Allah!" "[ explosion ] [ car alarms blaring ] [ metal creaking ]" "[ squeaking ]" "Huh." "[ clears throat ]" "How much is this?" "[ motor humming ]" "[ grunting ]" "[ groans ]" "[ singsongy voice ] Harry!" "Harry." "[ chuckles ]" "huh?" "no." "come on." "You've been out here for two hours and- donating." "H-help the retards." "[ electricity zapping ] motherfucker." "Let's go." "What?" "I thought you said something." "[ speaks indistinctly ]" "$5s and $10s only." "[ engine sputters ] you son of a bitch." "[ engine turns over ]" "I put some extra nutrients in your dinner." "You're gonna like it." "Let me see." "Come on." "Mmm!" "isn't it?" "[ groans ] baby." "good night." "okay?" "All right." "[ grunting ]" "What?" "I'm trippin'." "buddy." "It does get cold in my garage late at night." "All right." "Harry." "Entertainment center for Paradise city." "tomorrow the major media event will happen [ thwap!" "] celebrating the unveiling of the Krotchy dolls." "The huge international star of "The Krotchy Show will be there." "[ thwap!" "] And that is when we'll strike!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh. accessing the employee entrance." "my brother." "It is as it was foretold in the good book. an apos-tle who carries within him the holy torch of righteousness." "Uh-huh." "He will lead us out of the clutches of consumerism." "WOMAN:" "Mm-hmm." "WOMAN 2:" "Mm-hmm." "You wrote a fucking bible for these people?" "Group "C" rappels down and takes the dolls from the storeroom. as our intelligence indicates as well." "[ whimpering ] [ telephone rings ]" "I'll get that." "Bin Laden." "Hello?" "It's your dime." "you old fucker." "It's G.W." "You know how many innocent people we've had to torture" "Trying to get a lead on you?" "So?" "It's not my fault." "Georgie?" "uhkind of busy here." "You know how pops has those oil pipelines in Saudi Arabia? after the whole thing blows up." "[ explosion ] and I'll blow it all the way to Mecca." "We'd really appreciate it." "I'll ask Laura to type that up- me and spelling and all." "[ chuckles ] later." "Jihad!" "[ cheering ]" "[ horn honks ]" "VERNE:" "First they promise me a private jet." "Then they send me a freakin' bus?" "Geez!" "Don't they know I'm an international superstar?" "Ugh!" "Jesus!" "Jesus." "Paradise 8 miles?" "God!" "Motherfuckers." "[ radio beeps ] [ rap music playing ]" "Mohammed." "I know I've seen that gas station before." "We're lost." "We are not lost." "All gas stations look alike." "What's wrong with you?" "Will you just pull over and ask for directions?" "Get off my back!" "okay?" "I should be driving. be the face of the organization and also do the driving?" "man?" "[ polka music playing ]" "Krotchy!" "Aww!" "[ indistinct shouting ]" "Hey!" "[ laughs ]" "I'm here at the theme park Little Germany with owner and controversial director Uwe Boll." "[ cheers and applause ] you made your fortune and today is a big day for Little Germany." "Absolutely." "I'm totally happy that that freighter went down from China as the only people in North America having the Krotchy dolls exclusively here on sale." "[ cheers and applause ]" "Yay!" "man?" "[ cheers and applause ] it's time to go to work." "Get your hat on." "Let me see." "Yeah!" "Watch this." "Watch this." "Say "will work for food" in German." "[ groans ]" "You the shit." "now." "no $1s." "That's my motherfucker right there." "Harry. and I want to explain a little about the financing of my movies where the money comes from there are all the rumors out that my movies are financed with Nazi gold." "And what should I say?" "It's true." "But somebody must do something with the money." "MAN:" "Ja! if I see a crowd and all the children." "Are you fucking kidding me?" "allow me." "[ radio beeps ]" "What about me?" "Do your job." "Stupid." "are you gonna fire me?" "For saying "fuck"?" "Dan." "I'm the fucking show." "You mind if I go to work now?" "Thank you." "four- I got shit in my teeth?" "Thank you." "we're live in Little Germany in Paradise." "It's an amazing sight." "The crowd is trembling with excitement." "People have been lining up for days to be the first to get their hands on the coveted Krotchy dolls." "[ footsteps approaching ]" "Ladies so get in there and give those boys a God job." "sir." "[ indistinct talking ] boys." "Uh-oh." "Looks like I'm gonna get a burn." "Oops." "[ chuckles ] [ giggling ]" "God." "They're so creepy." "so?" "boys!" "Can you guys give me a hand?" "Okay." "Let's go." "boys." "Whoo!" "WOMAN 3:" "Come here." "[ woman laughs ] [ laughing ] Huh." "[ gasps ]" "Ha ha!" "Whoa-ho!" "yes!" "you sexy little motherfucker." "Unh!" "Unh!" "is that Verne's limo?" "Bob." "There seems to be a pickup truck in the way." "A pickup truck?" "that's classy." "man." "[ camera shutters clicking ] [ cheers and applause ]" "I just can't possibly explain howhow unbelievably sorry" "Mr. Troyer." "I personally will take full responsibility for this confusion with the pickup." "I don't want you fired." "I want your fucking boss fired." "what did you do with the guards?" "They're all worn out." "Mm." "ladies." "Get to work on lifting the crates." "This is great." "That means that" "The whole park is busy with the pissed-off V.I.P." "Mm-hmm." "That means my plan is genius!" "Yeah." "[ woman straining ] cowboy up." "Cowboy up!" "[ speaks indistinctly ]" "[ speaking native language ]" "It's locked." "There must be another way in!" "[ polka music playing ] [ cheers and applause ]" "asswipe?" "I have even better- gold teeth." "Paradise." "[ cheers and applause ]" "Krotchy." "I'm a beautiful lady." "Help me." "you know what the good and noble Krotchy says about people in need." "KROTCHY:" "Only my father and my priest can touch me there." "[ both laugh ] look out!" "What the fuck?" "Get to the truck." "We'll meet you out front." "Come on!" "you better have some chaos out there." "We're coming your way!" "This is Anne Frank." "Abort mission!" "you'll be arrested in a second!" "You are the envy of the entire country." "we need a distraction." "We need a distraction now!" "You are the first city to receive the officially licensed" "Krotchy doll." "[ cheers and applause ] hear my plea." "I'm Vince Desi." "What the fuck did you do to my game "Postal"?" "I don't know what your fucking problem is." "The movie is great." "shit!" "Oh!" "you realize there's a huge fight going on onstage right now?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "[ choking ] Unh!" "we're coming your way now!" "[ radio beeps ]" "Party's over." "Freaking Nazi motherfucker!" "Get your hands off me!" "For video games!" "No!" "He shot Harry!" "[ all screaming ]" "Son of a bitch!" "[ gunfire ] Aah!" "Be careful." "baby!" "[ gunshot ] [ gunshots ]" "Aah!" "Whoa!" "Ooh!" "I hate video games." "[ screaming ]" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Let's get the hell out of here!" "Aah!" "[ polka music plays ]" "Get out of the way!" "Ohh!" "Oh!" "My shit!" "I'm so sorry!" "What are you doing with my shit?" "I'm a huge fan." "Let me give you a hand with that." "Leave it alone." "I had no idea you be c" "A dildo on a stick?" "That's crazy!" "That's mine." "[ laughs ]" "Let me see if I can help you get everything in!" "What are you doing?" "Jesus!" "What the fuck?" "!" "God damn!" "What" "God- I'm in my fucking suitcase." "[ gunshots ] what the fuck?" "It's a present." "Hey!" "Assholes!" "Uh" "Coffee shop." "no foam." "Yeah." "I got to go." "[ tires screech ] [ screaming ]" "Why did you bring him?" "Mind your own business and get us out of here!" "you big crybaby." "wait!" "Hey!" "go." "[ tires screech ] baby." "[ siren wailing ]" "Where isthe damn key?" "You don't have the keys?" "I thought you had the keys." "It's like when you were a kid." "Sometimes it helps to retrace your steps." "Oh." "Mohammed." "[ siren wailing ] You're under arrest!" "You killed Harry!" "John." "Do something." "Shit!" "[ gunshots ]" "Harry wasn't hurting nobody." "What the fuck am I gonna do with all those damn diapers I bought him?" "[ gunshots ]" "RICHARD:" "Good God!" "You're stepping on my thing!" "Oh!" "Allah be praised." "Now you will give your lives to avenge this outrage." "Or we could just kill the other guys." "Yeah!" "[ cheering ] [ machine-gun fire ]" "tire screeching ]" "can you control this thing?" "Yes!" "WOMAN:" "Watch where you're going!" "god." "[ gags ] [ siren wailing in distance ] [ chuckles ]" "It's the moo cow from the welfare office." "we're closed." "Bitch!" "What was that?" "[ sighs ]" "Oh." "but we just ran over some girl." "Whew!" "Thank god." "Got a body on maple." "please repeat your location." "like the syrup." "this is fucking fantastic." "these kids are heavy!" "Okay." "All right." "Garywait." "Just wait." "Wait." "yeah." "Okay." "Gary." "Make me a star." "my god." "This is Gayle Ravenson on what will forevermore be known as the place where the laughter died." "Celebrity icon Verne Troyer is currently missing or presumed dead." "The coward responsible for this massacre has been described as a rodent-like man with red hair and wearing a "peace" T-shirt." "Bob." "that's right." "You're dead." "These kids are starting to smell." "I can't believe I took this fucking job." "Fucking bullshit." "God damn it." "This helps." "Definitely helps. along with the merchandise!" "Yes." "they're already here." "WOMAN:" "Now what do we do?" "That was the safest place in all of Paradise." "You guys don't have like a bomb shelter right?" "we don't." "We do." "What?" "We do." "There's a massive underground shelter beneath the main compound." "It's perfect." "TROYER:" "You know what would be perfect?" "My foot up your ass." "Who the fuck are you people?" "What the fuck did you bring him for?" "Uncle Dave." "Do you think we can sneak him past the Taliban without them finding out?" "And where the fuck are you gonna hide my Krotchy dolls?" "In plain sight." "Somebody grab the little guy." "little guy." "What the fuck's going on?" "WOMAN:" "Come on." "WOMAN 2:" "Okay." "Shut up." "WOMAN 3:" "Come on." "Citizens of this great nation- town also known as" "Postal Dude." "Postal Dude." "That's the best we could come upPostal Dude. the shooting at the welfare office the assassination of candidate Wells and killing a Chinese woman." "innocent Chinese lady." "if you see him" "You ever just have one of those days?" "no." "Hey!" "Hey!" "The Postal Dude!" "MAN:" "Get him!" "come on!" "[ indistinct shouting ]" "I don't think that's him." "though?" "This guy looks more like Jesus." "[ whistling ] [ gasps ]" "Shit." "Shit." "shit." "Let's go!" "Thank you!" "Get him!" "Come on!" "which way did he go?" "This way!" "[ indistinct shouting ]" "Why did you help him?" "Want to clean the windows again?" "fuck." "[ gun cocks ] [ bell dings ]" "Hold it!" "[ gasps ]" "Up against the wall now!" "Ow!" "Huh?" "Look like I bagged me the Postal Dude." "Ugh!" "[ groans ] God damn!" "You son of a bitch!" "I think you busted my nose!" "fuck!" "You fucking asshole!" "I'm gonna fuck you up!" "Ugh!" "Sorry." "I think he went that way!" "[ breathing heavily ]" "No wonder cops are crabby." "This weighs a fucking ton." "Handcuffsthose are cool." "What is that?" "Is that like a flashlight?" "[ chuckles ] Pepper spray." "Pepper spray is neat." "PAUL:" "Officer!" "Chapter 232." "citizen." "Did you see the Postal Dude?" "yes." "He went down thataway." "Right." "let's get this fucker!" "Get him!" "hey." "Nice outfit." "Like you couldn't be more of an ass already." "You look like a penguin." "I dropped the junk off." "Yeah." "where is that underground shelter place?" "Shh." "Go through the bedroom." "theokay." "Zzzhhh!" "I'm going in." "All right." "I'm going in." "Stay." "Have you heard from Osama?" "MAN:" "No." "Heard from the truck?" "No." "Have you seen the dog?" "No!" "Do you know anything?" "I don't know." "You are stupid!" "I'm sorry." "Stupid [ speaks indistinctly ]" "after the break." "Discouraged by the inability to stem the" "[ meows ] prevents the continent from having any further contact with the rest of the planet." "video games are the number-one cause of violence" "puss." "you stupid cat." "[ cat meows ]" "[ purring ]" "[ cat meows ]" "Meow!" "Hmm?" "[ meows ]" "Aah!" "[ cat yowls ]" "Good kitty." "psst." "Come on." "Come on." "Gah." "Stay low." "I already am." "go." "up." "Get him." "Get him." "Get him." "shh." "my sexies." "Mr. Troyer." "would you mind opening it?" "My pleasure." "huh?" "Am I the only fucking person who didn't know there was a bomb shelter underneath my bedroom?" "Uncle Dave." "[ door creaking ]" "TROYER:" "I can't believe this fucking shit." "It's a god shelter." "what the fuck is this?" "This is amazing." "This is a shithole." "What is all this for?" "Psalm 23- the fire and the plagues and the intestinal ulcers and testicular tumors shall befall all of humanity except for those who hide like rabbits below the ground." "this is pretty sweet." "fire" "Don't touch anything!" "Aah!" "We will need every bullet for the end of all things." "Richie." "all right?" "My house is full of a bunch of fucking religious fanatics who think they're gonna be the chosen people at the end of the world." "As opposed to- shut the fuck up." "Why don't you shut the fuck up?" "You don't think I'll come over there?" "I'll come over there." "I'll stick this finger up your ass." "you and what fucking ladder?" "I'll get you." "I'll fucking" "Take this." "God damn." "the point is okay? all right?" "Uncle Dave." "What?" "! but that was never part of the plan." "[ chuckles ]" "what is the plan?" "of course." "man." "Did you know about this?" "I didn't fucking know about this." "But he works for you." "Apparently not." "Dah!" "I can hear you." "[ sighs ]" "Richie" "Richie [ cries ]" "Now it is time for the rest of you to know the full extent of our plan." "This is why we need the Krotchy dolls." "KROTCHY:" "What happens up my ass stays up my ass." "The Avian Bird Flu- the plague for which the western devil has no cure." "If these dolls there will be death and destruction beyond all comprehension!" "Yeah!" "That is what I'm talkin' about." "[ whimpering ] and they were gonna spread it." "right?" "We're good." "Exactly!" "We stopped them so that we could do it our own way." "What? We must wipe out the entire planet." "He's fucking nuts." "Mr. Verne Troyer! we're gonna have some serious problems." "and you shall know when the final day of reckoning begins a tiny entertainer" "000 monkeys!" "That's it." "I'm gonna kick your fucking ass." "little" "Ohh!" "Ohh!" "Enough!" "Enough!" "Enough!" "Stop him!" "We must do as god commands!" "God damn it." "Bring on the monkeys!" "not the monkeys." "[ chattering ]" "Where'd you get so many monkeys?" "I don't fucking know." "I got nothing to do with this shit." "Oh." "shit." "Ohh!" "[ speaks indistinctly ] please." "[ fabric tears ] this has really not been a very pleasant day." "Yeah." "But" "the desperate nature of our situation suggests that we may need another of us to embrace martyrdom as we bring our fight to the Infidels." "Now" "let's go do some drugs." "[ whimpering ] a great ideagenius!" "one must agree willingly." "Abdul and sing "Free Bird." "[ whimpers ]" "Abdul it is." "if we just had Osama." "Does anybody know where the fuck he is?" "! you can motivate your employees in all new ways." "I personally guarantee you will have a team of little killer bees ready to live or die at your command. especially if you put crystal meth in the water." ""isn't crystal meth illegal? but the U.S. Air force uses it to fuel their pilots when they're on night missions over Afghanistan." "So it can't be that illegal if the U.S. Air force uses it." "Sowhat now?" "you're just gonna shoot us?" "man." "But you can see where I kind of have to go with it at this point." "Hmm?" "but these are my people." "Got to lead them to the Promised Land." "You're a douche." "Not." "Yeah." "the bible doesn't say to kill you." "Richie?" "what?" "remember?" "Read your fucking bible. it's remarkable how the meanings change." "the way I read it was god chose you as a pawn to get this movement going." "But now it's time for someone else to take charge someone [ breathing heavily ] who truly believes." "Richie." "Oh!" "WOMAN:" "Ugh!" "WOMAN 2:" "Ew!" "[ panting ]" "I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I whoo!" "Whoo!" "Whoo!" "[ laughs ]" "Fuck!" "Fuck me!" "I'm fucking gay!" "Who the fuck knew?" "but this explains a lot." "I can finally learn to love myself for who I am." "too!" "man!" "This is great." "Aww!" "You know what?" "Today is the start of my whole new life." "[ laughs evilly ] Right." "Aah!" "[ Dave breathing heavily ] [ groans ]" "Mitzi." "so I'm bi." "Yuck!" "You." "[ gun cocks ] so we will let you live" "Until the bird flu gets you." "Or we can put you out of your misery right noweither way!" "Actually [ clears throat ]" "Actually no." "you have to leave me alive" "Richie if you want to have your littleApocalypse." "And why is that?" "because I am the only guy who knows where the truck filled with bird flu is parked." "[ grunting ] [ screaming ] [ laughs ]" "Yeah!" "That's clever!" "That is clever!" "But it's not insurmountable." "You didn't go far. and then we'll kill you!" "remember? And you killed Dave." "I just- so ha-ha." "We'll be right back." "Get in there!" "[ electricity zapping ]" "Aah." "Aah." "[ grunts ]" "[ exhales deeply ] [ coughing ]" "[ coughs ]" "What are you still doing here?" "We're supposed to wait for Richard to get back with the truck." "WOMAN:" "And then we eat the poison brownies and ascend into god's love." "Starr couldn't wait." "She was on a cleanse." "that all sounds like a real good plan." "Me" "I'm gonna go upstairs kill me some terrorists probably die in a hail of bullets. and stick this machine gun up his self-righteous ass." "Yeah." "decisions." "[ whimpering ]" "Uh-oh." "[ screaming ]" "Aah!" "Mine." "Mine." "What?" "Yours." "Aww!" "you are good." "you are better." "I know." "Come on." "Aah!" "Let's go." "You cunning little bitch." "are you?" "You've just been faking it." "Mine." "[ gunshot ] MAN:" "Aah!" "They'll meet us later." "[ engine turns over ]" "ladies." "This is where we split up." "Aw." "Go home to your families." "And no more crazy cults that look forward to the end of the world." "Don't worry." "We've decided to be Christians from now on." "Well" "[ horn honking ] [ moaning ]" "Wait a minute." "Wait a minute." "Hold on." "Hold on." "Why?" "Because you're married?" "I just want to give Karen a turn." "Oh!" "Hey." "Hi!" "my God." "here I come. have you seen that guy's wife?" "she's hard to miss." "Yeah." "though." "You fucked her?" "Several times." "She's got a clapper in her trailer." "The lights go on and off and on and off." "[ laughs ]" "Makes you feel like a rock star!" "Let's go to the trailer." "right." "it's the Postal Dude!" "Get him!" "[ gunshots ]" "Go!" "Go!" "Go!" "[ all shouting ]" "Come on!" "Go!" "Go!" "[ breathing heavily ]" "Unh!" "[ indistinct shouting ]" "Come on." "Shoot him!" "Eat this!" "[ machine-gun fire ]" "I'm sorry!" "cowards!" "Aah!" "[ sighs ]" "You are so hot." "And you turned into a crazy psychopath." "There were some pretty good reasons." "That's what they all say." "I have to destroy a postal truck filled with lethal microbes before a doomsday cult or a terrorist group" "Gets their hands on it and destroys the entire world." "like I believe that." "Jihad!" "[ shouts indistinctly ]" "Huh?" "Jihad!" "where's that truck?" "[ laughs sarcastically ]" "Great." "Okay." "[ machine beeps ]" "Mr. Laden." "It looks like your credit card's been declined." "What?" "It looks like every free government on the planet has frozen your assets." "Would you take a check?" "[ clears throat ]" "American." "I'm a little short." "we need you right away." "Do you have any cash?" "No." "[ chuckles ]" "Run!" "Freakin' Arabs." "Go back to Mecca and run around your big black box!" "[ Rossini's "Largo Al Factotum" plays ] god." "You okay?" "you ever get like a hangnail?" "it's brutal." "Aah!" "[ gasps ]" "What the hell was that?" "Greg." "Greg." "huh?" "motherfucker." "Oh." "Yeah." "okay." "Oh!" "Okay!" "You're right." "You're right." "yeah." "There you go." "Oh!" "yeah!" "Yes!" "[ metal creaking ] oh!" "Yes!" "Give it to me." "Whoo-hoo!" "Who is that?" "Ugh." "My soon-to-be-ex-wife." "Oh." "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "yeah!" "You like that?" "Yes!" "Great job!" "A little faster." "That ought to do it." "[ beeping ]" "All right." "buddy." "Champ?" "[ whistles ]" "Come on!" "poop." "Let's get out of here." "All right." "[ moaning ]" "Too late." "Whoo-hoo!" "[ gunshots ]" "What the fuck was that?" "WOMAN:" "Fucking guy!" "We're gonna fucking mess you up!" "Back!" "Back!" "Fucking die!" "MAN:" "Shoot that motherfucker down!" "too." "[ grunts ]" "Go back!" "Go back!" "Let's do it!" "All right!" "Hey!" "God damn it!" "Get the hell off my property!" "Motherfucking piece of shit!" "Infidel!" "Hello?" "right?" "[ laughs evilly ]" "there he is the guy who killed Uncle Dave." "We must rebalance our energies by cutting out his spleen!" "Okay." "Fuck this." "Uh-huh." "Bomb!" "Bomb!" "Bomb!" "B-b-b-b-bomb!" "Bomb!" "MAN:" "Hold up!" "Fuck!" "big bomb that could take out a whole city block" bomb." "Do I have your attention?" "[ exhales deeply ]" "Get down here!" "What is wrong with you people?" "You're so busy trying to blow up the world in the name of God." "fucktards" "God doesn't need your help." "He's God!" "it- they gave you life." "And you're wasting it." "Look around you." "Look." "God damn it!" "See?" "We're not that different 'cause we all come from the same family known as humanity." "what do families do?" "Do they fight?" "sure. here on the crazy big mud ball called Earth." "[ nose blowing ] people." "huh?" "we all hate Jews!" "[ indistinct talking ]" "MAN:" "Yeah." "yeah." "not a hate thing." "sh-- [ sighs ]" "A happy thing." "MAN:" "I don't get it." "I think it's time to empty our hands of guns so we can fill our hands with hugs." "[ crying ] [ grunting ] I can't stop you." "go ahead." "Shoot." "Or" "hug." "[ sighs ] Shoot him." "[ rapid gunfire ] you motherfuckers!" "God damn!" "[ gunshot ] Aah!" "[ gunfire continues ]" "I'm starting to get pissed." "though!" "Just plug that little thing in." "I'll be there in one second." "Ugh!" "[ crying ]" "You've got to be fucking kidding me." "Aah!" "Aah!" "You like that?" "Aah!" "save some virgins for me." "Aah!" "WOMAN:" "Please insert an additional 25 cents to complete your long-distance call." "Little Star" ]" "this is George W. Bush." "It's Osama." "man!" "Osama." "How are you?" "George." "I can't hear you over the gunfire." "Hmm?" "Gunfire." "I'm trapped in a trailer park in Paradise city." "buddy." "We got you on satellite." "Should I send a couple cruise missiles down there?" "Uh-oh." "[ gunshot ]" "I" "Please insert an additional 25 cents to continue your long-distance call." "I was thinking maybe a helicopter to come pick me up." "thatthat could work." "there's a field just south of you." "I'll pick you up there." "Georgie." "um" "Yes?" "I just wish I knew how to quit you." "Shit." "[ snap ]" "Oh!" "no hand-to-hand combat." "no." "FRANK:" "Hello." "Frank Dumont." "We're here to conduct an audit on a Mr. David Clark." "You are American government?" "sir." "Is Mr. Clark at home?" "government man." "I have someone to speak to you." "[ groaning ]" "Unauthorized fruit sales." "I should have brought that dip." "[ whimpering ]" "Jihad!" "Jihad!" "yeah." "yeah." "Abdul!" "where is your belt?" "You're not wearing your explosive belt." "[ whimpering ] [ mumbling ]" "We're taking the cop car." "[ beeping ]" "Abdul." "Lorraine okay?" "You're my publisher." "You tell them that this is a prime example how to fire an employee without making him go postal"" "Because I'm a" "Aah!" "[ blowing ]" "Aah!" "[ laughs evilly ]" "You ruined everything!" "[ gasps ]" "Oh." "shit!" "Don't be a dick" "No!" "dick." "[ birds chirping ]" "MAN:" "At an Alabama high school today [ sniffs ]" "Did youchamp!" "buddy." "Hey!" "Hey!" "I thought I smelled poo-poo breath." "garbage duty for a week as punishment." "pal." "We're interrupting our regular broadcast to take you live for this emergency announcement from the President." "PRESIDENT BUSH:" "This is the President of the United States of America." "[ the "Star-Spangled Banner" plays ]" "C.I.A. Intelligence has confirmed that the governments of China and India were directly responsible for the terrorist cell recently uncovered in Paradise." "they continue to make T-shirts for well under $1." "we've been forced to destroy both countries with "nucular" force. was able to send 30 atomic warheads our way." "They should hit in a little under two minutes. and God Bless America." "[ sighs ] [ music stops ]" "Well?" "I regret nothing." "You know what?" "Forget the stuff." "Oh!" "What are you doing?" "Don't you want me to get out of here?" "Come on!" "Come on!" "Come on." "Go out!" "[ beeping ] [ transmitter beeps ]" "[ car alarms blaring ]" "Ugh." "They got a hu-- [ gasps ] god!" "[ Mark Polak's "The Magic Sound" plays ]" "[ engine turns over ]" "oo-oo-oo-ooh oo-oo-oo-ooh we'll stroll the land in the peace and harmony we'll be friends till the end you and me" "I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship flowers all around from the birth of mother earth singing oo-oo-oo-ooh oo-oo-oo-ooh devils cast into the sea brothers without love ripple to a tidal wave swelling to a flood you lonesome ships" "it's not far sail away singing oo-oo-oo-ooh oo-oo-oo-ooh oo-oo-oo-ooh oo-oo-oo-ooh oo-oo-oo-ooh oo-oo-oo-ooh" "tree of life bearing fruit nourishing us all as the sun will become the father standing tall let us take our appleseed and plant it in the ground soon we'll seen an apple tree and hear the magic sound oo-oo-oo-ooh" "oo-oo-oo-ooh oo-oo-oo-ooh oo-oo-oo-ooh" "[ "theme from 'Postal'" plays ]" "residents of the planet earth." "Don't miss the sale of the century. get a second clone for free." "There's no business like clone business." "Subtitles by LeapinLar"