"Good evening, fellow revelers." "Tonight we are indulging in an old city tradition." "It is the event that turns a mild-mannered white-collar worker into a four armed beast of prey." "The office party." "However, we had this room designed especially for the party by the girls in the office." "It has no corners." "I am in charge of the entertainment, which all should enjoy." "After most of the hors d'oeuvres have been eaten, we're going to throw our company director to the lions." "I realize it isn't much but the lions are a great deal cheaper than the string quartet we had last year." "They don't drink as much either." "And now for our party." "May I please speak to Tony Gould..." "No, no, Gould, G-O-U-L-D." "I can't hear you." "What?" "Do you know where he can be reached?" "Would you have him call the Courtney Publishing Company immediately?" "Merry Christmas, whoever you are." "Hello!" "Hello." "Merry Christmas." "Well, it only happens once a year." "Mr. Courtney, there's so much noise in there." "Do you think I could use your phone?" "Certainly, go right ahead, Shelley." "Anything wrong, my dear?" "Oh, I was just rehearsing what I was going to say to my boyfriend." "Yes, of course." "Well, it's time I was getting home." "I hope you have a very nice Christmas, Shelley." "Thank you, same to you, Mr. Courtney." "Goodnight." "Hello, Charlie?" "Shelley." "Listen, I can't get ahold of Tony." "I thought he might be with you." "Tony?" "You mean good old, fun-loving Tony Gould?" "Shelley." "Why yes, I believe he is." "Hello, darling." "I've been trying to get your apartment for the past hour." "I thought the office party would be over long ago." "Tony, you know why I'm calling." "Have you told your wife?" "Because if you haven't, I'm going to talk to her myself." "You mustn't do that, it won't be necessary." "I've already told her." "I promised you I would, didn't I?" "Yes, but you made this promise so many times before." "How did she take it?" "Well, naturally she was a little upset." "She wasn't aware of the situation." "But she didn't get hysterical." "That's encouraging." "But she didn't really agree." "That's what it amounts to, doesn't it?" "Now, listen here, Tony, if you don't tell her, I'm not going to wait any longer." "I'm going to talk to her right now." "If you'll just let me finish." "She did agree." "I made her understand it had to be this way." "Darling, it's all set." "Tony, that's wonderful." "The party's just about to break up, darling, so I'll be right over." "Oh, no, not here." "Charles is having a lot of people in for drinks." "Tell you what." "Wait at the office and I'll come over and pick you up." "All right, Tony, but please hurry." "Goodbye." "Well, now what am I going to do?" "I suspect the time has come for a clean break." "That's the trouble, it won't be clean." "Shelley's got an idea I should divorce Gloria and marry her." "You know, the one unredeeming quality in women is their inability to keep their emotions out of their love affairs." "I assume you have no intention of doing anything so impractical." "You know Gloria." "Any trouble, I'm out." "She just wouldn't stand for it." "Then you have no alternative but to give up this dreary little business with Shelley and go back to your loving wife and her half million bucks." "I wish you'd tell me how." "It's all I could do tonight to keep Shelley from going out to the house." "Have you ever considered having her shanghaied aboard a ship going around the Horn?" "That used to take two years." "Thanks." "Call on me some times when you need help." "Sorry, Tony." "But you seem to be caught in a classic dilemma for which no remedy has yet been discovered." "If you do find an answer, your name will go down in history along with Galileo," "Edison and O'Shaughnessy." "Who?" "O'Shaughnessy?" "He was a bartender on Third Avenue whose immortal words were," ""When everything appears lost..."" ""Let's have a drink."" "Seriously, Tony, if there's anything I can do short of marrying Shelley myself, just let me know." "Sure." "Shelley?" "In here, darling." "Oh, is it true?" "You mean we don't have to hide and pretend." "Oh, yes." "Who's that?" "Oh, probably the cleaning woman." "Lock it." "But, darling, we don't have to hide." "Of course we don't." "We don't want her leering at us." "You know what she'll think." "Lock it." "There." "Now, what's the schedule?" "Are you going to get the divorce or is she?" "She is." "How long will it take?" "'Cause I won't believe it until we're married." "Well, these things do take a little time, you know." "Well, of course, darling, it really doesn't matter because the worst is over." "Now, let's leave New York, right away." "Don't you think it would be a good idea to wait until we're absolutely sure." "Gloria is going through with it?" "What do you mean, darling?" "I thought it was all settled." "Well, it is." "I mean, she's agreed to it but she's the kind of woman who could change her mind overnight." "In hopes of getting you back?" "She thinks that by making us wait she's going to break us up?" "No, no, no, of course not." "It was a shock to her." "She's always had everything she wanted." "You just don't say no to Gloria." "She's apt to get on her high horse and not grant me the divorce at all." "What are you suggesting, Tony?" "Well, I really think it would be a mistake for us to leave now." "She would consider it a slap in the face." "I know Gloria, you have to humor her." "Now, if I could stay around awhile," "I could convince her that it was her idea, her own idea." "She would divorce me like that." "How long will it take?" "I don't know, a few weeks, a couple of months." "It's the only way, darling, believe me." "I don't believe you, Tony." "You're always concerned about Gloria's feelings, you're never concerned about mine." "She had a chance to make you happy and she didn't." "But I did, didn't I?" "Of course, darling." "Now, let's get out of here and have a drink." "It's Christmas." "I have to make a phone call first." "Hello." "Hello." "Mrs. Gould?" "This is..." "Hello?" "What do you think you're doing?" "I'm going to call her and tell her we're in love and you're not going to stop me!" "Hello?" "Hello?" "Hello?" "Hello?" "What number are you calling?" "Advance and be recognized." "Charles." "Tony, old comrade." "The wassail bowl overflows and where are you on this festive occasion?" "Now, shut up and listen to me!" "I'm in a jam." "In a jam?" "With Shelley?" "Yes, with Shelley." "What happened?" "She passed out on me." "We're in her office building." "You know where that is, don't you?" "Well, we're locked in the office." "Locked in?" "Yes, I broke the key off in the lock and I've got to get out." "Well, call the janitor!" "He's not here." "The building will be empty till the day after Christmas." "Worry not, my boy." "As soon as I get rid of my company here, old Charles will storm the fortress." "How long will it be before you can get here?" "Well, I don't know." "Well, get rid of them." "Well, Tony, I can't just throw them out into the snow." "Charles, this is serious." "Yes, mon général, within the hour." "Hello?" "What ho!" "God rest you merry gentlemen." "Charles?" "Where does the comma come in there?" "Is it, "God rest you merry" or "Merry gentlemen"?" "I can never remember." "Don't tell me you haven't left yet?" "I will ask you not to raise your voice to me, my good man." "There are people here." "Drunk people." "I'm drunk." "Charles, don't you realize that I'm in trouble, serious trouble?" "I've got to get out of here." "Tonight." "I have no patience with you, Tony." "Here you are, a man richly endowed." "You have a rich wife, a beautiful girlfriend and how do you spend Christmas Eve?" "Like a hermit locked up in an office." "And it's not even your office." "Wait a minute, there's somebody at the door." "Hold the phone." "Charles!" "Don't go away." "It's God rest you merry..." "Merry?" "Merry gentlemen." "Merry Christmas." "Merry Christmas." "We're having open house, Charles." "Come over for a drink." "Santa Claus, all righty." "You have the true Christmas spirit, my dear." "Come on, come on." "Let's go have a drink." "Let's have a drink." "Come on." "Charles!" "Hang up the phone, Charles." "We're still connected." "I want to call somebody else." "Break the connection, Charles!" "Good morning!" "Merry Christmas!" "Hey, wait!" "I didn't mean..." "I can explain!" "I'm locked in here!" "Will you please call a locksmith?" "I'll pay him anything he asks!" "This is an emergency!" "Thank you!" "Thank you very much!" "All right, open up." "We know you're in there." "That's just the trouble, officers." "I can't open up." "I'm John Courtney, and I'm locked in my own office." "Well, how'd you come to lock yourself in?" "I was working last night and I jammed the key in the lock and then I turned it and broke it off." "You can find it down there under the lock, I think, on the floor." "Yeah, here it is, Mr. Courtney, but I don't think we can make it work." "Well, try it, won't you?" "Try the key, George." "Oh, this won't work." "Too short." "I'll use my key." "Any luck?" "No, you must've jammed the lock, Mr. Courtney." "Can't you break it?" "Probably could but it would wreck the door." "I don't care about the door." "I'm freezing to death and I haven't had anything to eat in 24 hours." "Okay, stand back." "I want to get out of here." "Thank you, thank you, gentlemen." "I certainly do feel foolish." "Well, these things happen more often than you'd think, Mr. Courtney." "I was beginning to think that I was gonna be locked in there until my secretary let me out in the morning." "Well, your secretary must have the key, why didn't you phone her?" "The phone is out of order." "Well, you're gonna catch it from you wife being out all night Christmas Eve." "No, no, she's in Europe." "I want to give you gentlemen a little Christmas present..." "No, it's all part of our job." "Come on, Frank." "Can we drop you anyplace?" "No, thank you." "I'll take a taxi." "What ho!" "Better late than never and all that stuff." "I can see you gentlemen have the situation well in hand." "Come on." "So have you." "All's well that ends well." "Charles!" "Where's Shelley?" "Shut up, you're drunk, Charles!" "Shelley!" "Shelley!" "Come on." "I'll get him." "Come on out." "There's nobody in there!" "Come on out, wherever you are." "Charles, there's nobody in there." "Hey, Tony, she's really passed out." "Passed out?" "This woman's not drunk." "She's dead." "If you think Tony Gould is in trouble, you should have been at our party." "My fastidious friend here refused to eat the company director we had prepared for him." "The other workers are furious." "Several of them were only one heartbeat away from a promotion." "It was all I could do to rescue Leo from the crowd." "People can be quite vicious once they get the smell of blood." "My friend here is taking me home with him tonight." "However, I shall be back again next time with another story." "Good night."