"APPLAUSE AND CHEERS" "Tonight, on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown," "Sean Lock," "Jon Richardson," "Jason Manford," "Roisin Conaty," "Sam Simmons," "Susie Dent, and Rachel Riley." "Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr." "CHEERS AND APPLAUSE" "Hello, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, a show about letters, numbers, and conundrums." "Did you know, for example, the word highbrow comes from the late 19th century when it was believed that the size of a person's forehead was connected to the size of their brain." "And it makes sense, after all, two of Britain's foremost intellectuals are Ant McPartlin and Sean Lock." "LAUGHTER" "The largest ever online maths competition had over a million contestants." "It was like the X Factor, except literally everyone had a tragic back-story." "LAUGHTER" "And latrinology is the study of graffiti on toilet walls." "You might think it's a weird thing to study, but in my experience, it's best way of getting the telephone number of your mum." "LAUGHTER Right, let's get started." "APPLAUSE" "OK, let's meet tonight's players, first up, it's Sean Lock." "CHEERS AND APPLAUSE" "Sean Lock is soon to be travelling nationwide with his new tour." "Great news!" "Not for his audience so much, but certainly for his family, who are staying at home." "LAUGHTER" "And joining Sean tonight, it's Jason Manford." "CHEERS AND APPLAUSE" "Jason loves musicals, and has starred in The Producers and Sweeney Todd, though surprisingly for someone who loves musical theatre so much, he's actually got five kids." "LAUGHTER" "Up against them this evening, it's Jon Richardson." "CHEERS AND APPLAUSE" "Jon actually reminds me of Tom Cruise." "Mainly because he reminds me of Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man, which reminds me of Tom Cruise." "LAUGHTER" "And Jon's team-mate, Roisin Conaty." "CHEERS AND APPLAUSE" "Roisin Conaty - if the game of Countdown is the Titanic, let's welcome the iceberg." "LAUGHTER" "Roisin, I read on Twitter that you recently got into a bit of bother in Dublin." "What happened?" "A seagull shat in my face." " LAUGHTER" "It's good luck, isn't it?" " It didn't feel very lucky." "It went right in my eye." "My friend had to like, claw it out of my eye. "I'm blind!" "I'm blind!"" "She clawed it out of your eye?" "!" "It was like four in the morning and she was like, "I'll get it out!"" "That's quite..." "Cos the seagull would have had to come in..." "A bit like the Dambusters." " LAUGHTER" "Quite a low angle and then just go up." "Unless you were walking round like that." "I was eating, so there's a chance I was dropping food." "A good way of stopping that happening is going to bed at a reasonable hour." " LAUGHTER" "You've never been shat on by a bird?" "!" " Not at four in the morning." "LAUGHTER" "Generally my experience!" "LAUGHTER" "I'm frankly sickened." "LAUGHTER" "Sean..." " Yes." "If you were to have your dream dinner party, who would be there?" "Well, I thought originally maybe I'll get Gandhi, Cleopatra, Henry VIII, Napoleon." "Then I thought, I'll be the only one not in fancy dress." "LAUGHTER" "So what I came up with in the end, I thought, the people that I really like at a dinner party..." "I'd like Uncle Ben..." " LAUGHTER" "..Colonel Sanders, Dr Oetker..." "LAUGHTER" "..Ronald MacDonald." "Basically, all people who have served me food which I have regretted eating." " LAUGHTER" "OK." "Jon, here's a question for you." "Have you ever Googled yourself?" "I have done, yes." " What did you find when you Googled yourself?" "Er..." "A very sexually aggressive Mumsnet discussion." "LAUGHTER" "What did they say...?" "Someone said, "I quite like that little weird one,"" "and then began a series of segues on what would need to be done to me." "I'm going to get the shit beaten out of me, Jimmy, by a series of mothers, and then tied to a bed and sodomised." "LAUGHTER" "It's a rough thread." "Are you sure they're mums?" "LAUGHTER" "Jason, you're doing a lot of acting these days." "How do you prepare for your roles?" "Just get the script and then just pretend you're someone else." "LAUGHTER" "It's basically pretending for grown-ups." "LAUGHTER" "That's actually very similar to one of the reviews I've read about you." "LAUGHTER" "What have you played?" "What are the recent roles?" "I was Adolfo Pirelli in Sweeney Todd then I did a thing for BBC, Ordinary Lives, where I just played myself really." "I put on two stone for that part." "LAUGHTER" "Nobody asked me to, but I just thought..." "LAUGHTER" ""get into the guy's mind."" "Have you got a mascot this evening?" "A what?" " A mascot." "Oh, I think I've misheard that." "Mascot?" "Yeah, mascot." "I have got..." "I've got, like, a maths cot." "LAUGHTER" "I'll tell you what..." " Sh." " LAUGHTER" "..that was some of the best acting I've ever seen." "LAUGHTER" "APPLAUSE" "OK, Jon, have you got a mascot?" "Mascot?" "LAUGHTER" "Jon, Jon, Jon." "You've got to get into character." "Go again." "Have you got a mascot, Jason?" "Mascot?" " Oh, lovely." " LAUGHTER" "Oh, you've got to be doing something else." " Ideally... you want to be in the middle of something." "Have you got a mascot, Jason?" "LAUGHTER" "Mascot?" "JIMMY LAUGHS" "It's an acting masterclass is what it is." "I'd do it like this." "Put it there, put it down." "Ask me." "LAUGHTER" "Sean, have you got a mascot?" "No, but I've got a maths cot!" "LAUGHTER" "APPLAUSE" "That's how you do it." "Bang!" "Out of the park." "Jon, have you got a mascot?" "It's not so much a mascot as a sort of ideal." "I've realised I've been taking Countdown quite seriously, and I've been playing quite selfishly." "I've been playing for my own glory, and I realise, this week more than ever, it's about getting the most out of my team - because Roisin's shit." "LAUGHTER" "So, I've been reading a managerial handbook on how to be a better leader and I will be working this week to get the most, not only out of myself, but out of Roisin - so I've got my..." "I've got the slogan..." "Why are you undoing your top?" "LAUGHTER" "That was good acting, that, weren't it?" "She really looked like she wasn't turned on then." "LAUGHTER" "I really believed you felt sick then." "LAUGHTER" "This is our slogan." "This is my..." "This is how I'm going to lead." ""Know the way, show the way, go the way."" "Yeah." "It's a longer slogan than that, but I only have a small chest." "LAUGHTER" "But I'm going to lead Roisin and I together, through eye contact and reassuring phrases." "LAUGHTER" "It's going to be all right." "LAUGHTER" "Roisin, have you got a mascot?" "So, I get very stressed on this show..." "You can see why, old Creepy McCreepson." "LAUGHTER" "Yeah." " I..." " LAUGHTER" "And..." "Oh, my God." "It's a massager, so when I get stressed..." "I think I know what kind of massage that gives." " No, it's not that." "You roll it, so it's like a massager thing." "Could you just hold it up by the balls?" "Yeah." "LAUGHTER" "OK, if you're going to be rude about me..." "But it's really good." "It really genuinely works." "It releases a lot of stress and a lot of tension." "I thought, "If I get relaxed and stuff," ""then my brain might relax into it and I might get the answers."" "Do you know what?" "Jon loves physical contact." "Can you just give him...?" "LAUGHTER" "Here we go." "Look at the comfort." " Relax into it." "Breathe into it." "HE INHALES SHARPLY" " Just breathe." "HE WAILS" "LAUGHTER" "You've got to breathe through your nose." "HE INHALES SHARPLY" " Out through your mouth." " HE WAILS" "That's horrible." "He's making horrible noises." "You pop that away, but not..." "LAUGHTER" "Sean, have you got a mascot?" "LAUGHTER" "Mascot?" "LAUGHTER" "Yes, I do, Jimmy." "I need a bit of space for my mascot." " Course you do." " I need a bit of room." "As we all know, recently, the Government introduced a new bill about plastic bags." "When you go shopping, you have to pay 5p." "Very good, I think it's very good." "A lot of people complained, saying they don't always carry bags around with them." "This is a perfect system to replace it." "It's a coat that you wear that you can put all your shopping in." "LAUGHTER" "First off, I wear this bandolier, and I'd have sausages in there, there's some Canesten there," "Anusol, a few sausages, some moisturiser..." " JIMMY LAUGHS" "..lubricant..." " LAUGHTER" "Lubricant, sausages and Anusol." "Wow." "LAUGHTER" "That's a hell of a weekend, isn't it?" "LAUGHTER" "I put the coat on, right, put the coat on." "LAUGHTER" "You wear this to go shopping so you haven't got to buy a plastic bag for 5p...?" "And you don't have to carry bags around." "It's just the coat." "It comes like that." "I might need a bit of help from Jason here but, for example..." " Sure." "OK, I've got two baguettes." "Where do they go?" "They go in the quiver." "LAUGHTER" "That is amazing." "Where do I put my Pringles, Jason?" "In the epaulettes." " LAUGHTER" "Up there." " Oh, that's cool." "You've got epaulettes there." "I've got a chicken." "Oh, what a drag, I haven't got a bag, where do I put it?" "Easy." "I got this off the back of an airplane seat." "LAUGHTER" "Hey, we've got some tins here." "Badum!" "Oh, wow." "Boom." "That's incredible." "It's great if you haven't got money for a bag, but also if you were to be shoplifting..." "I think it's a little bit obvious for a shoplifter." "LAUGHTER" "There's a frozen section, as you can see here." "LAUGHTER" "Of course there is." " The fish fingers in there, like that." "Also, for your little items..." "Oops, little bit of an epaulette slip-up there." "This is deli hat, and you just get your..." " LAUGHTER" "Pork pies there, get them in there after you've paid for them." "There, that's lovely." "Get those in there." "I feel like I'm on Blue Peter." "LAUGHTER" "Any other bits?" "Oh, yes, now, this..." "What I like is, you've not actually used the pocket." " This..." "LAUGHTER" "APPLAUSE" "No, because you have that free for stuff..." "Like your wallet." " Tissues and..." "Plastic bags." "LAUGHTER" "And of course, milk." "Oh, what a drag, I've got to carry milk round with me." "No, you don't." "You just pour it in there." "LAUGHTER" "There's your milk done, and you can hang your bananas on there." "I think that's a real success story." "I do." " Let's get the hat on." "Let's get the full look." " Oh!" "Don't lean forward, otherwise milk's going to go everywhere." "Careful." " Oh, God, imagine that." "LAUGHTER" "Oh." "APPLAUSE" "And then you just go out the shop." "APPLAUSE" "That's a great mascot." "OK, over in Dictionary Corner, we've got Sam Simmons." " Hello." "APPLAUSE" "When he was growing up," "Australian Sam wanted to be a vet and worked in a zoo." "It's a shame that he didn't keep it up, there is a gap in the market now for an Australian animal expert since we lost Steve Irwin and Rolf Harris." "LAUGHTER" "Sam, the British audience might not be familiar with you." "Tell us a little bit about yourself." "I'm a 38-year-old Piscean from Adelaide in south Australia." "I do a very good impression of a..." "I daresay like a Super Mario brother battling a drug and alcohol problem." "LAUGHTER" "You used to work as a zoo keeper, that's true, right?" " Yeah." "What was your favourite bit about working in a zoo?" "Probably this bit right here, which is a deer's hoof." "LAUGHTER" "That's my favourite part, it's a foot." "LAUGHTER" "Sometimes I let him be free and he goes, like, running." "LAUGHTER" "What?" " LAUGHTER" "What do you think of Manchester and Salford?" "What do you think of it up here?" "I only found out today that Coronation Street was set here," "I thought it was elsewhere - but this is a real place." " Yeah." "LAUGHTER" "You're from Home And Away, aren't you?" " Yeah, totally." "It's not called that in Australia, it's called Sand Sluts." "LAUGHTER" "True." " OK." "With Sam, of course, is Susie Dent." "APPLAUSE" "Susie, Sam is Australian - what contribution have the Australians made, if any, to the English language?" "Lots of brilliant expressions, but I can't do an Australian accent, so can you do them for me?" " Yeah, I'll do them." "Don't come the raw prawn with me." "Don't come the raw prawn..." "I'm trying to do an English accent." " LAUGHTER" "Don't come the raw prawn with me." "What does that mean?" "It means, like, don't shit me - don't bullshit me." "But why a raw prawn?" "Because you don't want to eat a raw prawn." "OK." " LAUGHTER" "OK." "And in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley." "APPLAUSE" "Rachel Riley, she's smart, funny and great company." "She really ticks all the boxes, unless one of the boxes is marked "good at dancing"." "LAUGHTER" "Rachel, it says here you've started to experiment with Russian food." "How's that going?" "Yeah, I love a bit of Russian food." "There's one place I had some Russian food, it's called a banya." "It's like a Russian sauna." "So, you go there in a bikini and this Russian guy in a felt hat makes you cover your eyes with a birch branch and he hits you with one." "LAUGHTER" "Then you dip yourself in an ice bucket of water, then in the plunge pool, and then you go and have more pickles and sausages, and vodka, and then you kind of repeat the process." "You've still got the blindfold on when..." "LAUGHTER ..with the pickles and the sausages." " It's kind of..." "Can we just look up "gullible" and see...?" "LAUGHTER" "OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this, the Countdown table tennis table." "APPLAUSE" "LAUGHTER" "OK, let's Countdown, everyone." "For the first time today, Sean and Jason, you pick the letters." "We'll have a vowel." " Thank you, Jason." "Can we just do it like..." " E." "Yeah, we'll have four vowels and..." "No, three." " U..." "Yeah, three vowels..." " A..." " And four consonants please." "P" "B" "T" "S" "Another consonant, please." "M" "And another consonant." "And the last one..." "Y" "OK, and your time starts now." "LAUGHTER" "APPLAUSE" "You've got to practise, love." "LAUGHTER" "Jon, what have you got?" " A six." "Sean, how many have you got?" " Six." "Jason?" " Five." "OK, fives and sixes." "Oh, I suppose we should ask..." "LAUGHTER" "Roisin, I believe in you and I think you are the person to drive this team..." "Yep." " LAUGHTER" "How many have you got, Roisin?" " Five." "What's your five, Roisin?" "TOUPEE" "With an a." "LAUGHTER" "Toupee, with an A?" "T-A-U-P-E." "SUSIE:" "Oh, taupe!" " Is that a colour?" "That's a colour." " Taupe." "LAUGHTER" "So, you're pronouncing "taupe" - "toupee"." "LAUGHTER" "But, I mean, it still counts." " Yeah." "Still got it, right?" " It is a word." "Through no fault of your own, it is a word." "LAUGHTER" "Jason." " BUSTY." "Sean, your six." " STEAMY." " Ooh." "STEAMY." " Steamy and busty." "ROISIN:" "All right, pervs." " LAUGHTER" "I'd definitely go there!" "LAUGHTER" "Jon, your six?" "UPBEAT." "The way I am about our future together as a partnership." "LAUGHTER" "Six points to both teams." "APPLAUSE" "Susie, Sam, could they have done any better?" " There's a seven in there." "SUBTYPE." " OK." "So, at the end of that, both teams have six points." "APPLAUSE" "Onto our first numbers round." "OK, Jon, Roisin, your turn to pick the numbers." "We would like..." "One from the top." " Yes." "And another one from the top." " What?" "!" "And four." "And a four." " LAUGHTER" "Four small ones, please." " Thanks, Rachel." "No fours, but you have got four small ones." " They are... 3, 7, 1, 9 and the big ones - 25 and 50." "And the target - 525." "LAUGHTER" "Shall we...?" "Yeah, hit it again." "SEAN:" "No!" " Oh, come on!" " 987." "I had that!" "OK, and your time starts now." "So the target was 987." "Jon, did you get it?" "I got 991." " OK." "Roisin. - 975." "Ooh!" "Sean, did you get it?" " 982." "What about you, Jason?" " Yeah, same, 982." "Did you copy his?" "I didn't, actually." "I'm all right at this one." "It's the letters I'm fucked at." " LAUGHTER" "So, Jon, you were the closest, how did you do it?" "7x3... 21. - -1." "20." " X 50." "1,000. - -9." "991." "Four away." " So seven points to Jon." "APPLAUSE" "Rachel, could it be done?" "Yes." "If you say 50 x 3 = 150 150 - 9 = 141 and times that by 7." "APPLAUSE" "Time now to go across to Dictionary Corner." "Sam Simmons, what have you got for us?" "I'm going to do all the things that shit me." "The things that what, sorry?" " Shit me." "LAUGHTER" "Annoy you?" " Annoy me." "The things that shit me." "That's a thing, like..." "People say that." "Do you not...?" "Give people the shits." "Occasionally if I undercook something." "LAUGHTER" "No, it's the reverse of that." "It's just things that annoy, kind of thing." "Things that annoy you." "You're going to give us a..." " You are giving me the shits right now." "LAUGHTER" "Well, I apologise." "LAUGHTER" "BASS RHYTHM PLAYS" "'Things that shit me." "'When you hear car tyres screeching but then no bang.'" "LAUGHTER" "Huh?" "'Things that shit me." "'The fact that there's multi-millionaire cats 'on the internet and they don't even know it 'because they are stupid fucking cats.'" "There's three of them that exist." "Cats that are multi-millionaires just for being fucking cats, people." "?" "Do cats on the internet" "?" "Even know that they are famous?" "?" "Do cats..." "Cats!" "..on the internet d Even know that they are famous?" "d" "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "'Things that shit me." "'Really confusing television commercials." "PIANO MUSIC PLAYS" "'Reliability, integrity, 'inspiration, synergy, refreshment." "'Be who you are." "'The Waffle House.'" "LAUGHTER" "'Things that shit me.'" "'Having a regret in your life.'" "SOMBRE MUSIC PLAYS" "I have never finished an entire Chapstick." "LAUGHTER" "'Things that shit me." "'People who forget to take off their bicycle helmets inside shops.'" "Do you guys got croissants?" "LAUGHTER" "'Things that shit me.'" "'Iceberg lettuces.'" "Iceberg lettuce is the most banal vegetable in the vegetable patch." "I've got no time for an iceberg lettuce, people." "LAUGHTER" " Don't like an iceberg lettuce!" "You know what the iceberg lettuce is good for?" "It's good for a little bit of this." " LAUGHTER" "Sean, you're on the way out." "Namaste, my friend." "Namaste, my bald brother." "Namaste." "Namaste, my friend." "LAUGHTER" "APPLAUSE" "Namaste, mate." "Namaste." "Namaste." "Here he is." "Namaste, mate." "Namaste, my friend." "Namaste." "APPLAUSE" "Ladies and gentlemen, Sam Simmons." "And here is your teaser." "The words are GRAB PIPE." "The clue is, "Just squeeze the bag and blow."" "That's GRAB PIPE." "Just squeeze the bag and blow." "See you after the break." "Welcome back." "The answer to the teaser." "The words were GRAB PIPE." "The clue was - just squeeze the bag and blow." "It was, of course, BAGPIPER." "So, Jon and Roisin are in the lead." "Time to mix things up a little bit now." "They've been playing in teams so far, but this game is just for Sean and Roisin." "Roisin, your turn to choose the letters." "Can I have a vowel, please, Rachel?" " You can indeed." "E" "And another vowel." "O" "And another vowel, please." "E" "And a consonant." "P" "And another consonant." "H" "And another consonant." "R" "And a vowel..?" "That's the right word, yeah!" "RACHEL:" "U" " LAUGHTER" "How many have I done, though?" "Another consonant." "M" "And another vowel, please." " And the last one..." "Another E." "And your time starts now." "MUSIC:" "Mission:" "Impossible Theme" "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "LAUGHTER" "Filthy cow!" "Roisin, what have you got?" "How many?" " Four." "Sean, what have you got?" " Six." "OK, Roisin." "Your four?" "I've got a five, now." "LAUGHTER" "PHUME." " PHUME?" "What...?" " I've got it wrong!" "Nope." "LAUGHTER" "What was your six, Sean?" "HUMPER" "SUSIE:" "I don't think HUMPER'S in." "No, I think there's HUMPBACK and HUMPLESS..." "SEAN:" "Really?" "You don't think it's in?" "Somebody who humps stuff." "SUSIE:" "I'll just look it up in my pocket dictionary." " ROISIN:" "And maybe double-check PHUME, as well." "You know, while you're there, while you've got it open..." "HUMPLESS, HUMP OFF..." "But it's just not in the dictionary." "It's obviously not used often enough, Sean." "You need to use HUMPER more often." "So, no points to either team." "Susie, what could they have had?" "REHOME is there for six." " REHOME." " Yeah." "So, at the end of that, Sean and Jason have six," "Jon and Roisin have 13." "APPLAUSE" "Right, now time for Jon and Jason to go head-to-head in the numbers round." "Jason, your pick." "One from the top and then the other ones that are not from the top." "The little ones?" "Thank you, Jason." "Right, the little ones... 9, 10, 7, 1 and 7." "And the big one, 50." "And the target... 492." "OK, and your time starts now." "OK, so Jason and Jon, did you get it?" " Yes." " Yes." " OK." "Jason, how did you get it?" "50 x 10 = 500" "Yeah." "7 + 1 = 8" "OK." "Ten points to both teams!" "APPLAUSE" "OK, time to go once again to Dictionary Corner." "Sam." "What have you got for us?" " I've drawn some pictures." "But we all know that art's a bit boring." "So, I've decided to entwine it with music." "And roller skates." "LAUGHTER" "Problem being, I can't ro..." "I can't roller-skate heaps good." "But we're going to give it a little go." "Right, cue the music!" "SYNTH ELECTRONICA MUSIC" "LAUGHTER" "It's a Mescimo." "It's a Mescimo." "It's a Mexican/Eskimo hybrid." "Which is politically incorrect, so it's otherwise known as an Inuit- Latino." "Or an Inuino." "This is a self-portrait." "LAUGHTER" "It's a self-portrait." "Here's a self-portrait of me just wearing little shorts and whatnot." "And that's what I look like when my leg come off." "This is a, this is known as a whore d'hoeurve." "A whore d'hoeurve." "It's a half vol-au-vent, half lady of the night." "Here's a problem picture." "This is Neal, he got it all wrong." "He thought he was coming out of the closet." "OK." "Knock knock." "AUDIENCE:" "Who's there?" " Fridge." " AUDIENCE:" "Fridge who?" "Fridge cat." "LAUGHTER" "It's a ham, Jesus and tomato toasted sandwich." "This picture here, this is a..." "This is a Wookiee Goldberg." "LAUGHTER" "APPLAUSE" "Sam Simmons, everyone." "Sam Simmons." "I'm getting better at roller-skating!" "And here's your teaser." "The words are LETS FART." "The clue is - it makes me feel good." "That's LETS FART." "It makes me feel good." "See you after the break." "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "Welcome back." "The answer to the teaser." "The words were LETS FART." "The clue was - it makes me feel good." "It was, of course, FLATTERS." "OK, before we get on with the game, time for the Countdown bonus challenge." "A chance for our teams to win some valuable points." "Normally, we test our players' maths and English skills, but tonight we'll be testing their acting ability." "So, Sean, you've done a bit of acting in your time, haven't you?" "LAUGHTER" "You could say that, Jimmy." "Jon, do you fancy yourself as a bit of an actor?" "Mascot?" "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "Jon and Roisin, you go first." "Here's your script." " OK." "I want you to do a scene from When Harry Met Sally." " OK." "But to make it a bit more of a challenge," "I'd like you to play Sally, Jon." "Is this part of the show, or is this just you... ..wanting to see Jon in a wig?" "This cheap tart is not a wig." "LAUGHTER" "It will inhibit my performance." "If I'd have known, I would have grown mine out!" "LAUGHTER" "OK, so let's have your acting skills." "So I'm yellow and you're not yellow." " Well, there's two..." "There's two different ones." " That's how the professionals talk..." "On a lot of film sets, you'll hear Daniel Day-Lewis will go, "I'm yellow." ""You're not yellow."" "It's the highlighted line." "I've never seen the film, where is it set?" "Newcastle?" "IN BAD NEW WORK ACCENT:" "It's in New York." "IN BAD ACCENT:" "You know what?" "I'm so glad I never got involved with you." "LAUGHTER" "IMPERSONATING BILLY CRYSTAL:" "Why are you getting so upset?" "LAUGHTER" "What's the dog from The Magic Roundabout called?" "Why are you getting so upset?" "It's not about you." " Yes, it is." "You are a human affront to all women and I am a woman." "Hey, I don't feel great about this, but I don't hear anyone complaining." "You're out the door too fast." "I think they have an OK time." "I think your moustache is upside down." "LAUGHTER" "How do you know that they really..." " What are you saying?" "That they fake an orgasm?" " It's possible." "You don't think I can tell the difference?" " No." "Get out of here!" "Ooh." "Oooh..." "Oh, God!" "Oh, God!" "Oh, yeah!" "Oh, yeah." "Right there." "Shove it right up my..." "LAUGHTER" "I've gone off script a bit." "That's it." "The whole ham." "Right?" "LAUGHTER" "APPLAUSE" "Wait, wait, wait." "Don't take it off, don't take it off, don't take it off." " I'm sorry." "I'm so sorry." " Just quickly, I've just realised..." "This looks like - if I was transitioning." "Like..." "Cos you know it's popular now." "LAUGHTER" "APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH" "Sean, Jason" " I've got a scene for you." "I've chosen for you Return Of The Jedi." "So, Jason, you're Yoda." "Could you pass those over to...?" "This is one of the Star Trek films?" "Star Wars films?" "Sean, that's your wig." " Oh, right." "The wig's for you, apparently." "You can fucking shove your wig." "Sean..." " What?" " Wig." " You can't make people put wigs on." "JON:" "You've already had an iceberg lettuce on your head." "Even Hitler didn't do that." " What do you mean? "Even Hitler."" "Even Hitler didn't make people wear wigs." "Maybe Jason could just hold it above his head the whole time." "There you are, Jason." "Seriously, Sean, are you telling me you don't need a wig?" "It's just you being in denial." "It looks like you're dreaming of hair!" "LAUGHTER" "APPLAUSE" " I am!" "I do have hair!" " Where?" "I do have hair." "HE hasn't got any hair." "I've got hair on the sides, mate." "LAUGHTER" "To be honest, there's not a massive difference." "Other than you've styled it and you've just come as you are, there's not a massive difference between the two..." "Yeah, I just don't dye mine." " AUDIENCE:" "Ooh!" "Ladies, please!" "OK, Jason and Sean - Return Of The Jedi." "AS YODA:" "That face you make, look I so old to young eyes?" "IN OWN VOICE:" "No." "Of course not." "LAUGHTER" "I do." "Yes, I do." "Sick have I become!" "IN SICKLY VOICE:" "Sick have I become." "I didn't realise." "I should have read ahead." "JON:" "It's amazing to see you turn that quickly." "Master Yoda, you can't die." "Twilight is upon me." "I've seen that film!" "Twilight is upon me and soon night must fall." "But I need your help." "No more training do you require." "Except acting training!" "LAUGHTER" "Master Yoda, is Darth Vader my father?" "Your father, he is." "Told you, did he?" " Yes." "Unexpected, this is." "And unfortunate." "Unfortunate that I know the truth?" "No, unfortunate that you rushed to face him, that incomplete was your training, not ready for the burden, were you." "Well, I'm sorry." "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "I think we can all agree," "Sean and Jason were the best there." "So, five points for them." "A round of applause for our actors." "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "OK, on with the game." "Sean and Jason, your turn to choose the letters." "Can we have a vowel, please, Rachel?" "O" "And another vowel." "E" "And another vowel, please." "O" "Oh!" "Consonant, please." "T" "Another consonant, please." "W" "And another one, please." "V" "And another." " Oh, God!" "D" "And a vowel, please." "E" "And another consonant, please." " And the last one..." "S" "OK, and your time starts now." "So, Sean." "How many letters?" " Six." "Oh, Jason?" "A four." "Jon?" "Six." "Roisin?" "Five." "So, Jason, your four?" "TWOO!" "So, that's slightly more than two." " Yeah." "No, it's the second half of an owl." "Because he's PC, he doesn't want to call anyone a name." "So, he's gone" "TWOO!" "Is that in there?" "The twit is, but not the TWOO." "Sorry." "Roisin, your five?" "WODES" "WODES." "And what does WODES mean?" "Roisin, just remind me." "What cars d-wive on." "LAUGHTER" "Is it in the dictionary?" " It's not any more, but I think it was." "I think it was part of Anglo-Saxon English." " OK, Jon, your six?" "VESTED" "OOH!" " Ooh." "Sean?" " STOWED." "So, six points for both teams." "APPLAUSE" "Sam, Susie, could they have done any better?" " Is that..." "DEV..." "DEVOTES." " DEVOTES." "I had DEVOTES." "OK." "The scores at the moment, Sean and Jason have 27," "Jon and Roisin have 29." "APPLAUSE" "And here's your final teaser." "The words are GAY WANGS." "The clue is" " Hello, sailor." "That's GAY WANGS." "Hello, sailor." "See you after the break." "Welcome back, the answer to the teaser, the words were GAY WANGS, the clue was "Hello, sailor." It was of course GANGWAYS." "OK, time for our final letters game." "Jon and Roisin..." "The management book says that little rewards are important, and I think I haven't been giving you enough rewards, so if we do well in this letters game, you can have a reward." "SHE BARKS EXCITEDLY LIKE A DOG" "LAUGHTER" "Oh, he's been training me!" "Put on the Dougal moustache if you're going to be doing that dog noise." "All right, perv!" " LAUGHTER" "There you go." "I'm sensing that you're not happy with the training techniques I've been using." "And I'm going to tell you now that there are no treats for you." " LAUGHTER" "You are not allowed one of these." "You were going to have one of these, and now you're not going to." "And I barked and everything without even knowing what the treat was." "Delicious treats..." "Sorry, Jon, are they dog biscuits or...?" "I've been studying How To Be The Leader Of The Pack..." "What's the book?" " I'll be honest, when I bought it," "I didn't read the subtitle." "I thought it was a management book called How To Be The Leader Of The Pack." "I didn't realise it was called ..And Have Your Dog Love You For It." "LAUGHTER" "Can Daddy have a biscuit?" "LAUGHTER" "Daddy would like a biscuit." "It's the "Daddy" part of it I'm really having trouble with." "Because I feel like if I give you a biscuit, I endorse this behaviour." "Which I do not." " Try "Papa."" "Can Papa have a... cookie?" "LAUGHTER" "We'd like a consonant, please." "Mmm..." "R" "A vowel, please." "I" "A consonant, please." "D" "Another consonant, please." " N" "A vowel, please." "U" "Another consonant, please." "R" "A vowel, please." "I" "A consonant, please." "B" "And a vowel, please." "And the last one..." "Ooh, U." " Oh, dear." "OK." "And the time starts... now." "JASON: (Oh, shit...)" "CHUCKLING" "RACHEL:" "Aww..." "MECHANICAL WHIRRING" "(Come on..." "Come here." "(Out, out." "(Don't be a dick...)" "LAUGHTER" "Who's my good old boy...?" "Who's my good old boy?" "Who's my good old boy?" "Yes, yes..." "What have you got?" "Er, I've got four." "You got four." "Jon?" " Er, six." "Sean?" " Four." "Jason?" " Four." " Four?" "OK." "Your four, Jason..." "Er, BIRD." "RIND for me." "RIND for you?" "Jon?" " You'll kick yourself, Jason." "UNBIRD" "It was there." "When you had a bird, and then you haven't." "LAUGHTER" "Erm..." "No UNBIRD, sorry, Jon." "OK, four points to both teams." "APPLAUSE" "Yeah, four points." "Susie, could they have done any better?" " Yeah, I noticed here, erm..." "LAUGHTER" "BRUIN." "What's a BRUIN?" " A BRUIN is a bear in a fairy tale." "Oh, right." "Why don't they just say "bear"?" "LAUGHTER" "OK, so Sean and Jason have 31," "Jon and Roisin have 33..." "APPLAUSE" "So today we've got a crucial Countdown Conundrum, so fingers on buzzers, are you ready?" "OK, it's time for today's crucial Countdown Conundrum." "Time starts now." "LAUGHTER" "SHE LAUGHS" "SEAN:" "Oh..." "BELL" "Is it, erm..." "LAUGHTER" "JIMMY HOOTS" "..PAL..." "LAUGHTER" "What...?" "PALOTARRY..." "LAUGHTER" "PALATRY." "PALLIATRY..." "PALIA..." " LAUGHTER" "PALATORRY" "Oh." "PAL..." "PRA..." "LAUGHTER" "Let's have a look and see..." "JON:" "PATROLARY is not a word..." " SEAN:" "PATROL..." "GROANING" "Oh." "Listen to that!" "LAUGHTER" "All our Countdown audience have gone, "Well, that was never gonna happen."" "So the final scores are" "Sean and Jason have 31 points, but tonight's winners with 33 are Jon and Roisin!" "APPLAUSE AND CHEERING" "You're now the proud owner of the Countdown table tennis table!" "Come and have a game." "Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to all of you for watching." "That's it from us, goodnight!" "Subtitles by Ericsson"