"Just play it cool." "Don't tell her this is your first-ever internet date or that you just got divorced." "This is actually my first-ever internet date." "Just got divorced." "That's what friends are for." "It's making you do things against your will that end with you having sex in a public toilet." "Joel told me about the cancer, and I am so sorry." "It's fine, honestly." "He also told me about the 94% cure rate for chemo, which is great, huh?" "I'm not going to have chemotherapy." "Hodgkin's is a good lymphoma to have." "Chemo will cure it." "I'm going to live." "No, you're not." "You're going to die." "We've got two choices - we sit back and watch Charlie die, or we kidnap him and give him chemo until he's cured." "Oh, God!" "Give up!" "Give up!" "No!" "We need training." "We're not qualified to..." "Who's this?" "Dr Cool?" "I'm here to administer your medicine." "Are you sure about this?" "Bit late for that, isn't it?" "I meant Nadia." "What choice do we have?" "She just seems like a massive fucking liability." "It's not the game." "I'm being held against my will." "I've got cancer." "They're injecting me with chemotherapy drugs." "'Are you sure you're not in the hospital?" "' I'm not in a fucking hospital..." "I'm in a cellar somewhere off the A38." "I need you to help me escape!" "Oh, no, I'm on my own!" "I figured you could use something to help you sleep." "Hey, you're really getting into the game." "Yeah." "Glad you're having fun." "I'm really enjoying writing my novel, although I haven't read anything back yet in case it's actually shit." "This chemotherapy kidnap mission - where is it?" "What level's it on?" "It sounds sick." "Yeah, yeah." "I'm up for a chemo kidnap." "Nice one!" "Getting a little assistance from your regiment, are you?" "Tess..." "No, no!" "No!" "Give it to me!" "No!" "Give it to me!" "No!" "I'm sorry to tell you, but your regiment doesn't have your best interests at heart." "Tess!" "Joel!" "Tess, this is fucked up." "Joel!" "I'm just trying to unfuck it up!" "You know I'm right." "Please!" "Please, just let me go!" "What?" "What is it?" "Charlie tried to escape through Xbox Live Chat." "What?" "You said all the network settings were locked down!" "I thought they were." "Oh, great!" "Nice work, genius!" "We need to get rid of the Xbox." "It's the simplest solution." "But that's the centre of the entertainment hub!" "How's Charlie going to entertain himself without the hub?" "I've got an idea that might be the solution to all your problems - untie me and let me go!" "I'm disappointed in you." "I'm very disappointed." "We trusted you." "No, you didn't." "You tied me up." "I expected better." "Why?" "I never promised not to escape." "Well, you can forget about all these lovely superfoods we got you." "Just normal foods for you, young man." "Please, just let me go!" "I want to see my family." "No, we are going to save your life." "You're not saving my life, you're killing me." "And not just my present, my future as well." "Cos you know I said that Kira and I were trying for another kid?" "Well, chemo kills sperm!" "Oh!" "You think chemo kills everything!" "You're such a wet blanket!" "Shall we take the berries away?" "No." "Yeah, I think we should take the berries away." "Don't take the berries away!" "Guess what?" "Charlie's actually right, for once." "One of the side-effects of chemo is that it can kill your sperm." "You need to see this." "Charlie hasn't been seen since he left his Bristol address at 3.15pm on Saturday," "5th of November..." "Nothing about you driving off with him." "That's good." "I'm now going to hand you over to Charlie's wife, Kira, who has a statement that she would like to read." "Charlie, Megan, Phoebe and I miss you so much." "Why am I watching this?" "We knew this was going to happen." "This is not a shocking turn of events." "And if you want some time to yourself, that's OK, but please just let us know that you're all right." "I get the idea." "It gets worse." "Some hack got a hold of Charlie's medical records." "That's not worse." "That's great." "Why the hell is that great?" "Because the police aren't going to hunt high and low for a suicide, are they?" "Once the panic dies down, we should be in the clear." "Great!" "Suicide dad." "Everybody's favourite kind of dad." "It's an exciting mystery!" "Is Daddy hanging from a tree somewhere?" "Or is he at the bottom of a quarry in a crushed-up Mazda?" "Look, all we have to do is hold our nerve." "No-one knows where Charlie is and no-one knows where we are, so relax." "Fine, I'll relax." "A nice relaxing kidnapping!" "We're going to prison and Charlie and Kira are going to hate us forever." "Not when we bring him back in three months' time with a boxfresh lymphatic system!" "They'll probably give us a medal." "Look, the most important thing is that we keep our cover intact." "I know." "I've been putting a few granite blocks in our castle walls." "Fake geo-tagged myself." ""Travelling the world, writing my book." "So long, suckers!"" "Outer Hebrides nice!" "It's my last post for a while." "I'm going to keep my head down, but you need to go public - see the police, talk to Kira." "It'll be too suspicious if we both disappear." "OK, fine, I'll go and see her." "No, don't go and see her!" "That's the last thing you should do!" "Just call her." "It'll be much easier to act shocked and upset over the phone." "So I've got to be shocked and upset, but not so shocked and upset that I'd actually bother to visit?" "Exactly." "And be careful about Nadia." "What about Nadia?" "Just the fact that she's obviously a massive bag of screaming trouble, and you're bonking her." "We've bonked twice." "Well, it was more than twice, actually, but only on two actual occasions." "I'm pleased you're thinking about somebody other than Steph, but don't kid yourself to Nadia, you're just the easiest available man meat because she forgot to pack her vibrator." "I've stopped throwing up." "Hm, so the Ondansetron did the trick." "Yay, medicine!" "I feel terrible, exhausted, like I don't want to move, ever." "Of course you do, you're having chemo, idiot!" "You can't make a cancer cure omelette without breaking a few Charlie eggs." "Oh, that's reassuring." "Thanks, Doc." "All right, look." "I'm not going to bullshit you." "What we're doing to your body - it's brutal." "We're frying the fuck out of you." "The cancer's in your lymphatic system, so pretty much all of you is cancerous, so we've got to bleach it out." "We basically kill you every two weeks and then hope that your body fights back." "That sounds fun and relaxing." "Word to the wise - the best anti-nausea cure, good old-fashioned Mary Jane." "No, haven't taken a drink or a drug in ten years." "I'm not about to start now." "Fine, do it the hard way." "Can I at least go outside?" "You could chain me to a stake like a pit bull." "Forget about going outside." "Your UV tolerance is shot to shit." "Just think of yourself as Count Dracula chilling in your castle basement." "Then I want an organic diet." "I want no meat, no dairy." "It's going to be boring enough being trapped down here for months." "You really want to make it that much worse?" "Look, I've done this before, you haven't." "So my professional advice is to eat what you want and drink what you want and take as many drugs as you want, let your body get very slowly better so we can all get the fuck out of here." "I want to help my body heal itself." "I want to take a holistic approach." "God!" "You're not on a "cancer journey", are you?" "We're all on a journey, just some of us are going forward and some of us are going in reverse." "So you were away when Charlie went missing?" "Yeah, I'd just got divorced, thought I'd take some time for myself - road trip, camping." "Fucking love the outdoors." "So the last time you saw Charlie was in this cafe with Tess Dyson?" "Mm, that's right." "Did he seem agitated, depressed?" "Not really." "Charlie's all about the power of positive thinking." "So no signs of suicidal feelings at all?" "Maybe once." "In his eyes, I saw something." "What do you mean?" "It was quite a long time ago, but we were walking over this bridge and he looked over, and I think he was thinking about it." "You know, jumping." "You get to know a person after 20 years." "I mean... it was just a look." "And I wouldn't say any of this to Kira, but if we do find out he's killed himself God forbid - I wouldn't be completely shocked." "Which bridge?" "What?" "Which bridge were you walking over?" "It was..." "It was Tower Bridge." "Tess Dyson resigned from her job and disappeared a few days before Charlie went missing." "Do you know where she is?" "No." "No idea." "Do you think that Charlie and Tess might have been having an affair?" "Um..." "Not as far as I know." "This is funny to you?" "No." "Oh, no, no, no." "Um..." "Sorry." "It's just..." "Charlie and Tess... is a bit funny." "But not really." "Sorry." "Eat up your peas, Phoebe." "I want to save them for Daddy." "Why don't you make a small plate of peas and we can keep them in the fridge until Daddy gets back, which I'm sure will be very soon?" "Hi, Joel." "I just heard." "I'm so sorry." "You must be going out of your mind." "Yeah, it's been hard, really hard." "It's just so..." "He was getting better, you know?" "Er, yeah." "So why would he just run off?" "I have no idea, but I'm absolutely sure that there is an explanation that will make everything all right." "Joel, why are you parked outside?" "Oh..." "Well, I didn't want to bother you." "Come inside, you maniac!" "Yeah, I'd love to." "I mean, I really..." "I've double-checked." "Charlie's right we need to take a sperm sample to freeze now before the chemo does any lasting damage." "Do you see what you're doing to me?" "It's a side-effect." "The chemo doesn't mean to do it." "He's right it's worth taking out a white and sticky insurance policy." "If you need porn, just shout." "That's what mates are for." "I'm not fucking doing it!" "At the end of the day, it's up to him." "Why is one thing up to him and not another?" "What are we supposed to do?" "Take a sperm sample by force?" "That's an option." "Rather you than me." "OK." "Fine." "Fuck it, no NHS rules and regs, no litigation." "This is an essential and appropriate medical procedure and I'm actioning it." "Sorry." "What are you saying?" "I'm saying if he doesn't want to give, then we take." "Are you going to...rape him?" "It's not rape, it's sexual assault." "And it's for a good cause." "Are you sure you're not doing this just for fun?" "OK, that's really low." "I don't need to jerk off cancer patients to get my kicks." "Jesus." "Ow!" "OW!" "What are you doing?" "What are you doing?" "What are you doing?" "Everything's going to be fine." "What's going on?" "What's going on?" "I'm here to preserve your DNA for posterity." "No!" "By any means necessary." "You're quoting Malcolm X?" "You're trying to equate this with the Black Liberation struggle?" "I am liberating your genetic code." "You can't take my sperm against my will." "Are you sure about that?" "Oh, yeah." "Yeah, actually, I'm very sure." "You really think that your willpower can overcome my arm power?" "I don't just think it." "I know it." "I admire you for trying, but you've got no chance." "I've done two tantric sex courses, so I have complete mastery over my inner winds." "The gloves are off, my friend." "Urgghh." "I call that move "Le Twirl"." "This really isn't OK." "Non-consensual sex is definitely not OK." "Not on paper." "But..." "We should stop them." "We should go in there." "Thanks, but Charlie's erect cock is not an image" "I want burned on my brain for ever." "I'm going in there." "What?" "You're going in there to murder his third child?" "That's nice of you." "I'm going in there to stop a sexual assault!" "I guess there's a tiny chance his offspring will turn out to be Hitler, and you'll be a hero." "But there's a much bigger chance they'll be just absolutely lovely." "It's...not...going...to...happen." "Charlie Junior seems to have other ideas." "No." "No." "You haven't won." "Cos I'm not enjoying it!" "The body never lies and I diagnose you with a massive hard-on." "Oh, God." "Oh, God." "And the great news is, it's a freebie." "You can tell your wife, "I had no choice." ""They tied me down, they jerked me off against my will."" "So you're covered." "Lie back, just go with the flow." "Errrrgggh." "Oh, wait." "We are about to have lift-off." "Houston, we do not have a problem." "No, I withdraw consent!" "I withdraw consent!" "This is a non-consensual ejaculation!" "Well done, mate." "I think, by the sound of it you just missed your moment." "Ding dong." "Backonceagainwiththeillbehaviour" "Canyoufeelit?" "Feelit?" "Nothingcansaveme" "Backonceagainwiththeillbehaviour" "Withtheillbehaviour" "III,ill,ill" "Backonceagainwiththeillbehaviour" "Backonceagain,backonce again" "Back,back,back" "Backonceagainwiththeillbehaviour" "Canyoufeelit?" "Feelit?" "Nothingtosaveme" "Backonceagainwiththeillbehaviour" "Canyoufeelit?" "Feelit?" "So the book's actually going really well." "Uh-huh?" "Wrote a great scene this morning, if I say so myself." "One of the synthezoids discovers for the first time she's not human." "It was so moving, I actually cried a little bit." "I could read you some later..." "Is this the sexy robot book?" "Synthetic humanoids." "And there is a love story, but it's not sexy per se, it's more..." "Is that difficult to write?" "Well, there are a lot of philosophical issues to address about what it means to be human, while at the same time..." "No, I mean, is it difficult to write when you're crying and masturbating?" "Sorry." "Oh, sorry!" "So how did you end up in this cellar, exactly?" "I can't imagine it was part of your career plan." "Oh, I don't have plans, I just do what I feel like." "I'm a girl that just wants to have fun." "Yeah?" "How's that "fun" working out for you?" "Great, thank you." "You don't find that all the booze, the drugs and the casual sex just gets a bit boring after a while?" "No." "Never." "It's all great." "I bet all your friends are all married with kids, but you don't give a shit because you're having it large, 24/7?" "Exactly." "Because what you really love is waking up alone day after day, year after year." "It's surprisingly rare for me to wake up alone." "Oh, no, sure, sure, there's a human body next to you." "Sometimes more than one, am I right?" "Mm..." "Yeah." "Except the more people you sleep with, the more lonely you feel." "Which is ironic, isn't it?" "Who are you, Shithead Sherlock?" "No, I'm just a recovering alcoholic." "I can smell the disease a mile off." "I used to get pissed and high every single day." "It's kind of who I was." "You know?" "I was fun Charlie." "Sounds fun." "Mm." "That was ten years ago." "I fought a battle against my own compulsions and I won." "And my message from the battlefield is, so can you." "What makes you think I would want to?" "Every single thing about you?" "OK, I see what you're trying to do here." "OK?" "Turning the tables on me and winkling away at me until you can find my weak spot." "Well, you can take your little winkle-picker and you can shove it up your ass." "And today, the community has came out in force..." "After Charlie's disappearance." "It's probably a waste of time, but it's the last place he was spotted, so you never know..." "Well, you may be going through hell, but you're not going through it alone, OK?" "Thanks, Joel." "They've started." "Hmm?" "The line." "Oh." "Yep." "Joel?" "Joel Jordan?" "Yeah?" "Andrew Bennett." "I was at St Brendan's, with you and Charlie?" "Oh, yeah." "Andrew." "Great." "Great to see you." "How are things?" "Well, not so good." "Considering." "Hmm?" "Oh, Charlie?" "Yeah." "God, it's terrible, isn't it?" "It's fucking terrible!" "What the hell could have happened to him?" "It's like a..." "It's like a really weird mystery." "Yeah, I live in the Midlands now, but as soon as I heard, I thought, yep, get back and help." "I didn't know you and Charlie were that close?" "Well, we haven't spoken in a while, but, yeah, we used to be." "Right." "No." "Yeah." "Well, it's good that you've got the time... to come down." "I don't have the time." "I actually made the time." "Right, yeah." "It's great." "Guess we'll find out the truth soon enough, won't we?" "Truth?" "What do you mean, "The truth"?" "You think there's some sort of cover-up?" "Er, the truth about where Charlie is, because nobody knows." "I'm sure we'll find something." "I've got a good feeling about it." "Yeah." "Although if we do find something, it will almost definitely be incredibly grim and horrible." "Maybe or maybe not." "Maybe Charlie's curled up under a sycamore tree, in a potato sack, having a really long sleep." "If he is, I'll be all like, "Get up, you lazy bastard!"" "Found anything yet?" "Oh..." "Nope." "OK." "Well, let me know if you do." "Well, obviously." "I'm not going to keep it a secret, am I?" "!" "Why the hell would I do that?" "!" "Give me that." "17." ""Does an irresistible impulse arise when sex is offered?" Yeah." "Well, you don't want to look a gift cock in the Jap's-eye." "18. "Do you ever feel guilt, remorse or depression after sex?"" "If it's gone well. 19." ""Do you want to get away from the sex partner as soon as possible" ""after the act?"" "OK." "If you'd fucked the lowlifes I've fucked, then you would too." "20. "Do you care if your sexual partner reaches climax or not?"" "Hm..." "I wouldn't say that I don't care." "It's more like a non-essential added bonus." "Ah!" "19 and a half out of 20." "Guess I scraped by!" "Yeah, I don't think it works like that." "19-and-a-half is almost 20." "But it's not 20, though, is it?" "Fine." "Ha!" "Fine, it's not 20." "I had an AA sponsee who was a sex addict once, it almost destroyed him." "If anything, it's worse than being an alcoholic, cos you're carrying a minibar around in your pants." "Do you really think that I'm an addict?" "It's not for me to..." "Just tell me." "Ah, it depends on how you define addict." "When you do the same thing over and over and you can't stop, and even when you try to stop, you can't." "Mm..." "OK, so then... how did you stop drinking?" "I'm asking for a friend." "Stopping was the easy part." "I stopped every morning." "It was the staying stopped that was tricky." "I tried everything I could think of, but the only thing that worked was to stop trying to do it on my own." "So I asked for help." "You only really need three things to get sober, it's like honesty, open-mindedness and willingness." "Uh-oh." "Thar she blows." "Ha..." "I think it'll suit you." "Give you a bit of edge." "Yeah, clumpy hair." "If you want, I could just shave it off for you?" "Yeah?" "Yeah, I mean, it's going to come off anyway..." "Fuck it." "OK!" "OK." "I imagine this wasn't what you had mind when you got your medical degree." "I don't know what I had in mind." "I just thought I might look hot in a white coat." "But we don't even wear those white coats any more." "What, so being a doctor wasn't your lifelong dream?" "I thought it was." "But it turns out being a doctor is not all walking around with a clipboard looking important." "It's exhausting and endless, all the other doctors are uptight assholes, plus, half the people you make better just end up getting sick again." "Oh, those selfish pricks." "I know, right, it's like, "What part of, 'Stop smoking" "" 'and eating cakes,' don't you dickheads understand?"" "That feels pretty good..." "Hey." "Oh, what you reading?" "Nothing." "It's just how bored I am." "It's so boring here." "Well, do you fancy a cheeky nightcap?" "No, thank you." "Night, Joel." "Yeah." "Joel." "Yeah?" "Shut the door!" "OK." "So this is what's so important?" "Going to look at this old bridge?" "Oh, it's important." "So important you can't tell me anything about it?" "Some things you just have to see for yourself." "Ta-da!" "I see." "You tricked me into having lunch with you." "Cool." "Let's go back..." "No, wait, wait, come on, let's at least eat first, you've no idea how expensive all this was..." "Sorry, probably shouldn't have kicked off with the money/guilt angle." "Fine." "Old bridge, torch, cellist, butler, fruit bowl, lunch of my fucking dreams." "Thanks." "Oh, no, thanks." "Oh, no, I've made sure the champagne's alcohol-free because" "I know you've stopped drinking and I respect and admire that." "Although, one word of warning, look what happened to..." "Chester when he stopped drinking." "Not taking drugs is OK, as long as they're not life-saving cancer drugs!" "Am I right?" "Anyway, here's to Chester." "Look, I appreciate the effort, but you shouldn't have bothered." "Not like," ""Oh, you really shouldn't have."" "But, like, you really, really shouldn't have." "I don't want you to take this personally, but I have absolutely zero interest in a relationship with you." "How am I supposed to not take that personally?" "And I'm taking a time-out from sex." "I should actually apologise to you for screwing you in the first place." "No, no, no, please don't." "I was in a loveless marriage for a decade." "That was..." "That was the best sex I've basically ever had." "What?" "That hungover fuck?" "We only did it twice in, like, two positions." "How many positions are really that great anyway?" "Who's going around doing the wheelbarrow?" "You've never done the wheelbarrow?" "Look." "What I'm saying, basically, is," "I love you." "Oh, my God." "No, you don't." "How do you know?" "Because I just know, OK." "And because you really shouldn't." "One little nostril-full?" "No, I'm out of the game." "Retired, undefeated." "Did Chester tell you to read that book that you've been reading?" "No." "You've been spending an awful lot of time "checking on him" " "I've noticed." "Yep, because I'm a doctor and he's a patient and that's the reason why you're paying me to be here?" "Are you sure you know what you're doing?" "I'm snorting coke." "I don't think you need a medical degree for that!" "Just pace yourself." "So what's Chester been telling you about me?" "You're paranoid." "Number three on my list of reasons to stop taking coke." "Number three on my list of reasons..." "Oooh, you've been inducted into the Cult of Chester." "Aren't you worried that your charismatic guru is in fact a suicidal idiot?" "Right." "I'm ready to go now." "No!" "No the, the doves?" "The what?" "Release the doves." "".." "I wouldn't care if you're a vegetable," ""a mineral or a plastic drinks carton." ""We're both matter, and you matter to me." ""I love you and I don't care what the Galactic Order have to" ""say about it."" "It's stupid." "You hate it." "No, I don't, I don't." "I like it!" "You're only listening because you're my prisoner." "It's like Misery, if Kathy Bates was also a novelist." "It's great." "It's different and it's witty, it's good." "So, the female robot..." "Synthezoid." "Sorry, yep, sorry, the female synthezoid who is in love with the male synthezoid, but they've never got together..." "That's you and Joel, right?" "No, of course not." "I can make things up." "It's called creative writing." "You don't have to do all this just to please Joel, you know." "I'm not." "Cos you're your own woman with your own mind - and an amazing one at that..." "I know that." "I'm aware of that." "Well, then, why don't you do the decent thing and just unchain me and let me go home, Tess?" "Because then you'd be dead." "That doesn't sound very decent to me." "I'm not doing this to please Joel." "I'm doing it because, annoyingly, he happens to be right." "Do you want to hear the rest of the chapter...?" "I'll take that as a no." "It's the drugs." "Please, please stop injecting me with the drugs?" "The drugs will save your life." "I'm feeling worse every day." "I feel weaker after every treatment." "I know you want to save me, but you're not." "You're just making me worse." "Everyone knows the chemotherapy's horrible, but it works..." "Look at my lump, my lump hasn't even gone down!" "How can it be working if my lump's not gone down?" "!" "Well, it's not getting any bigger." "So I suppose it depends if you're a lump-half-full or a lump-half-empty kind of person?" "Can you at least get me some natural medicine?" "I'll think about it." "Thank you." "I'd better get back to my desk." "You better had, cos I want to know what happens next." "I don't believe you're completely lying." "And it's truly pathetic how encouraging that is." "Who set that up?" "Andrew Bennett." "From sixth form." "Oh, my God, not that self-important misery hound." "Where the fuck was Andrew Bennett when Charlie was murdering himself with carrot juice?" "And there's a sponsored yoga marathon at" "Charlie's health centre tomorrow." "To "raise awareness and funds towards a reward for information"." "Oh, Jesus." "Maybe it's not such a horrible idea?" "I mean, it's good to keep the search for Charlie in the public eye." "It's dropped down the news agenda lately, and the police operation seems to be winding down..." "Yes." "And that's very, very good news for us." "It would be even better if it slipped off the news agenda completely and the police forgot Charlie ever existed." "Haven't those hippy arseholes done enough?" "Yeah." "Those hippy arseholes." "Thank you so much for organising all this." "Charlie was there for me when I needed him." "And the added bonus is that I get to spend more time with you!" "I know you're not a fan of the natural health stuff..." "I owe you an apology about that." "I was ignorant and intolerant." "I think what you and Charlie were doing was amazing." "Lovely, Stephen..." "I just wish he was here, so you could carry on doing it." "Me too." "Feet facing forward." "You know," "I've been leaning on Talbot to get the cops to pull their fingers out." "I'm sure they're doing the best they can." "Well, you've seen all the stuff in the press." "About Charlie killing himself." "Yeah." "Well, the cops are afraid to say it to my face, but I know they think it's suicide." "Right." "Well..." "they haven't found a body." "I mean, who kills themselves and hides their own body?" "Lord Lucan?" "The guy from the Manic Street Preachers?" "Oh, God, you agree with them..." "Oh, no, no, no, no," "I was just..." "Everybody thinks he's killed himself..." "Excuse me, are you Charlie's wife?" "Er, yes..." "Yes, I am." "I read about your story and I'm a psychic." "Oh, for fuck..." "I don't want to offend anyone," "I just wanted to let you know I've received a message from Charlie." "A message?" "What message?" "Don't listen to her." "She's a mental banglist." "He's on the other side now." "He wants you to know he's fine, he's where he needs to be." "All he wants is for you and your girls to move on with your lives." "Oi, Mystic Meg." "If you're going to make up some bullshit, at least make up some nice bullshit?" "I hope you find some peace." "She's all right for peace, thank you, we're fine." "Oh, hey, it's chemo time!" "So..." "I collared the postie." "Hoxsey Therapy, and some herbs thrown in for good measure." "Thank you, thank you so much." "If I have any chance of getting better - this is it." "Hi." "Hey!" "So..." "I finished that book that you recommended." "And?" "Could have done with a few more jokes, but I think I get the gist." "Consuming your body weight in drugs and booze is not a very good idea." "By the way, don't stop smoking that roach on my account." "That...?" "Why would you think that I would do that?" "Just the fact it was in your mouth 15 seconds ago." "Look, I'm not your higher power..." "Did you ever see me building you a shrine?" "If you want to stop, then stop." "But do it for yourself." "Don't do it for me." "Don't do it for anyone else." "Yes, I know that." "You really don't have to tell me that." "Just a sec!" "Joel!" "Great to see you..." "Sorry is it a bad time?" "No, I'm just doing lunch..." "That was your fault." "It wasn't my fault!" "It was the ball's fault!" "Right, what this situation calls for is a boat-full of Uncle Joel's speciality - vegetarian gravy." "Thanks, Joel." "Normally I wouldn't let them have TV time during the day but they've been acting up lately." "If you come back next week, I'll be microwaving pizza and chain-smoking." "Anyway, enough about me, how's everything with you?" "How's the internet dating?" "Met anyone nice?" "Or at least, not mental?" "Uh, kind of." "Yeah, she is a bit mental, though." "But sexy mental." "The main problem with Nadia is that she doesn't like spending time with me or having sex with me." "That can be a sign." "Oh, God, I'm sorry..." "I can go...?" "No, don't." "Erm, I feel guilty that I should be having a nice time..." "I know Charlie's not here." "Charlie's not safe." "Right, don't beat yourself up." "He'd want you to have a nice time, wherever he is." "For the first time, I feel like I'm giving up hope." "Right, you can't give up hope, OK?" "Never, never give up hope." "It's been two months, Joel." "He wouldn't kill himself." "OK, the Charlie I know he just wouldn't." "But what other explanation could there be?" "Megan is so smart and I've been trying to reassure her, but she just, she knows something's really, really wrong..." "Charlie's not dead." "Well, then where the fuck is he?" "!" "He's in Scotland." "What?" "He's in the Outer Hebrides." "Why the fuck would he go there without telling me?" "Well, he sent me a Snapchat." "That's actually why I came over, to tell you..." "Why the fuck didn't you tell me that an hour ago?" "!" "You were in the middle of lunch, I..." "Lunch?" "!" "Look, I just wanted to find the right moment because... because it's not all good news." "What do you mean?" "Is he hurt?" "Not exactly." "He gave me strict instructions not to tell you." "But the truth is... he's gone off with Tess." "Tess?" "According to Charlie, they're in love." "Show me the message." "I can't." "Snapchat deletes your message, like, ten seconds after you send it." "But Charlie is alive!" "That's the headline." "That's good news, right?" "It's the best news!" "Charlie and Tess...?" "I know." "I know." "I couldn't believe it either." "It's kind of incredible." "But there you go." "Shit happens." "Have you told the police?" "The police." "Of course." "The police." "Er..." "no, I have not told the police." "But of course, I'm going to tell to the police!" "Mum?" "What's going on?" "Why are you shouting?" "Erm, it's OK." "Joel's heard from Daddy." "He's OK." "He's just..." "He's gone on a long trip." "When's he coming back?" "I don't know, I wish I did!" "But if I had to guess, I'd say, four weeks?" "There or thereabouts?" "He said that?" "Er, no." "No." "It's just a hunch." "For the record, I am almost a month sober." "And it wasn't even that hard." "So..." "I wasn't that hard?" "OK, it was pretty hard." "I'm proud of you." "Fuck you!" "No, I am!" "I'm serious." "You're doing way better than I was in my first month." "You're doing the hard work." "The hard work of not putting the bottle to my lips, and the powder up my nose, and the cock up my pussy?" "Ohhh...yeah..." "Yeah." "Because sometimes not doing something, like that, is the hardest thing in the world." "You know, I remember when I was first trying to get clean and I was in a bar and ordered my favourite drink " "Martini." "But I had this flash that if I was going to take that first sip..." "I would lose the next 12 hours of my life... and wake up in a gutter somewhere." "And I stared at that fucking Martini...for, like, an hour." "But I never picked it up." "I actually woke up in a gutter once." "Yeah?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "The worst part was it was right outside my flat." "It was very hard to get the neighbours to take me seriously at the next freeholders' meeting." "It's very nice to have someone to talk to about...all this stuff." "Same." "You're my one bright light in this pitch-black cave." "Oh, you mean, out of all your kidnappers, I'm your favourite?" "I think I might have just a teeny bit of Stockholm Syndrome." "You're not tied down this time, so you don't have any excuse." "Well, I won't tell if you don't." "Sea bass, greens and rice, all the food groups!" "Thanks." "He definitely mentioned the Outer Hebrides." "And Tess." "That's all I can remember, really." "Why did you clear your phone history after receiving this incredibly important message?" "I think I was just so shocked..." "You know, I panicked." "It was a panic clear." "I don't know what the fuck's going on, to be honest with you." "It was hard enough finding out that one of your oldest friends has got cancer, then he disappears and then I find out he's gone off with my other oldest friends." "It's just... a little bit too much, to be honest with you." "You see, normally forensics would be able to find a digital trace of your Snapchat message..." "Would they?" "God, they don't advertise that, do they?" "The sneaky Snapchat bastards." "But we can't find anything on yours." "That's weird." "Yeah." "Hey, I'm in the middle of a chapter..." "Um, there's something I need to talk to you about." "What?" "Right." "Um, well, basically, you know how you said that I shouldn't go and see Kira?" "Yes." "Well, I kind of went to see Kira." "What?" "!" "When?" "Today." "And last week." "And a couple of days before that." "How many times?" "Maybe six." "Eight?" "12, max." "Jesus Christ." "I thought we were a team, I thought..." "Sorry to interrupt, but you might want to press pause on your freak-out because it kind of gets a bit worse." "You know how I said that I wanted to tell Kira that Charlie's OK?" "Yes?" "Today, I told Kira that Charlie's OK." "Did you tell her he's here?" "!" "No!" "No." "Of course not!" "I'm not that stupid." "I told her he ran off to Scotland with you." "And then I kind of told the police." "Oh, my God." "Anyway, I'm sure it'll all come out in the wash." "Did you tell Kira that Charlie and I are...a couple?" "Well, yeah, I mean, why else would you run off together?" "Oh, my God!" "Look, I know it looks bad and I didn't plan on doing it, but Kira, she was so upset, especially because all the attention's winding down." "My yoga marathon did not have the awareness-raising effect that we were hoping for." "YOUR yoga marathon?" "Well, Harry organised all the yoga, I was on the admin side." "I'm so sorry you failed to raise awareness." "That must be so disappointing for you." "Look, I fucked up." "OK?" "I shouldn't have said what I said." "But you don't understand how hard it was seeing her like that - she was so upset..." "I understand completely!" "That's why I told you not to go and fucking see her in the first place!" "I know why you did this." "You're still in love with her." "In love with Kira?" "I'm not in love with her, I've never been in love with her!" "This is me you're talking to, I remember what you were, like, in sixth form..." "I only went out with her for two weeks!" "Yeah." "And when she dumped you for Charlie, you didn't shut up about it for a year!" "20 years ago!" "So what?" "If you had any more of a torch for her, you'd be marching up to Frankenstein's castle." "How did she react?" "When you told her?" "Well, she was relieved, obviously." "But pretty confused." "And angry with me?" "Oh, yeah." "Big time." "Great." "Thanks for that." "Well, at least she's..." "differently upset." "A change is as good as a rest." "Look, I'm sorry, OK?" "I shouldn't have said what I said, but it seemed like a good idea at the time!" "It ticked a lot of boxes!" "One of the boxes being, "Tess, the marriage-wrecking cancer slut"?" "How you feeling?" "Er... no shittier than usual." "You know, I have this special medicine that could help relieve some of the side-effects, if you feel like trying it." "Yeah?" "Yeah." "It's kind of like an alternative thing, so it might be right up your street." "Are you sure this is good for your sex addiction sobriety?" "It's not sex addiction if it's with someone you love." "Sorry." "I don't know why I just said..." "I think I love you too." "How about you use your incredible computer skills to fire off some e-mails from Charlie?" ""I'm with Tess, can't tell you where, soz."" "The police won't investigate cos there's nothing to investigate!" "You can't arrest someone for going on holiday!" "All you need to do is leave a trail of fake digital breadcrumbs to keep them off our scent!" "Do you have any idea how long making these digital breadcrumbs is going to take?" "No." "At a guess, I'd say fucking ages." "I'm two-thirds of the way through my novel, the last thing I need is to take a week off to go on bloody holiday." "I came here to save Charlie and write my book, not to be your IT slave!" "That's the hellish fate I escaped from!" "So, you're not going to do it?" "Of course I'm going to fucking do it!" "Because that's my job, isn't it?" "To clear up whatever stinky pile of shite pours out of the hole between your nose and your chin!" "You can have that." "That's a free hit, I'm not coming back on that." "Oh, one last thing..." "It would be great if you could make these e-mails convincing to the cops, but not too hurtful for Kira." "OK?" "I mean, if Charlie's having too good a time, it's going to be too depressing for her, but he can't have too bad a time either, because then she'll be worried." "Please shut up and leave my room." "I just need you to go, OK?" "Like, maybe don't go on about how much you love Tess." "Maybe you should even say that you've dumped Tess." ""It wasn't working out, she was just too boring." You know, something like that?" "You want me to break up with myself?" "It's just an idea." "We could just leave, just you and me, alone together..." "What about your treatment?" "You've still got two more doses to go." "We could just do that on the outside." "I would have 10,000 treatments if you were inserting the cannula." "Oh, sexy cancer talk." "I like it." "Come on." "Come on." "Let's just go." "Hey..." "I wanted to say sorry...for everything." "Just be honest with me, are you in love with Charlie?" "I know a lot of girls go for that heroin-chic look." "Nadia?" "NADIA!" "Motherfucker." "Tess!" "Tess!" "TESS!" "What?" "He's fucked off, she's fucked off, everyone's fucked off." "Fuck!" "FUCK!" "Outlaws!" "Yeah!" "Struck off Bonnie and Chemo Clyde!" "Come on, floor it." "We've got to find them!" "I know we've got to find them, I'm aware that we've got to find them!" "Well, then, floor it!" "I'm not going to floor it." "If I floor it, we'll hit a tree and die!" "What the fuck are you doing with a crossbow?" "Security." "Deliverance-style." "OK, I know a place we can hide out." "Yeah?" "Yeah." "If you go to the end of this road, turn left, then head south to the A38..." "The A38?" "Yeah." "Isn't that on the way to your house?" "It's on the way to loads of houses." "I don't want to go to my house, I want to go..." "I want to go to a mate's house." "A safe house." "A safe house?" "Yes." "Like in the movies?" "I can't see them." "I can't see anything, I think we've lost them." "Just keep driving." "Would you mind putting your crossbow on the back seat?" "Or at least not pointing it at me?" "Trust me, the last thing I want to do is go back to my house." "Yeah?" "You want to forget your wife and your kids ever existed?" "Yeah." "What the hell are you doing?" "I want to have sex with you." "Right now." "I'm not really in the mood." "Due to the fact we're driving for our lives?" "I need evidence." "That you're not using me like some kind of...escape horse to ride off into the sunset with your wife." "Hey!" "No!" "Look, we've talked about this." "You're a sex addict." "Sex is not the answer to all your problems." "No, but this is a pretty good question." "Jesus!" "And the penis is humanity's greatest lie detector." "Look," "I'm too sick to have sex." "Safe house, yeah, right." "Nice safe house with your safe wife and lovely safe kids." "Your dick's as soft as peanut butter!" "I knew it, you're faking!" "No!" "There they are." "Come on, floor it!" "OK, fine, I'll floor it!" "Please, we have to get..." "Shit!" "I see you!" "Oh, shit." "Oh, shit, shit." "Go, go." "Shit." "Hey!" "Come back here!" "Get him." "I knew he'd seduced you away from me!" "I fucking knew it!" "He did not seduce me away from you." "What part of, "I don't want to be in a relationship with you,"" "do you not understand?" "You did want to be in a relationship with me, before you met Charlie." "What?" "We were having an amazing time." "We were not having an amazing time." "Joel!" "JOEL!" "Right, this is going to end one of two ways - you dead from a crossbow bolt, or you alive thanks to the miracle of modern medicine!" "Stop shooting at me, you maniac!" "That was a warning shot!" "You knew how I felt about her, but that didn't stop you, did it?" "You saw a way out and you went for it." "You didn't care about her feelings, you didn't care about my feelings, you think you're such a holy, enlightened person, but you're a bigger shit than any of us." "Oh, my God." "That was meant to be another a warning shot!"