"Everybody loves the weekend." "It's a time to relax and unwind." "Unless you're me." "I'm running errands." "Where are my coupons?" "They were right here next to my list." "Where's my list?" "Then it's a time to do all the crap you didn't get done the other five days." "Mom, can you take me, Carly, and Shannon to the movies?" "I'm already swamped." "Can't one of the other moms do it?" "Shannon's mom is picking up, Carly's mom has to stay on the couch for a week because Carly's dad slammed her foot in car door." "Lucky." "Dad, can you take us?" "I have to go to hardware store." "That's in the opposite direction." "Plus I don't really want to." "Football." "Later." "Oh, Axl." "Will you drop me?" " What?" " What you got on your upper lip there?" " Is that dirt?" "It's hair." "All the guys on the football team are growing beards for the playoffs." " And what're you doing?" " Oh, hilarious, Dad." "For your FYI, this is only two days old." "According to beardguru. com, I'm showing above average hair growth for my age." "I think it looks great, Axl." "Totally manly." "Five it." "So will you give me a ride to...?" "Dad, and you also are looking very manly today." "Get in the car." "Brick, you know the drill." "Grab something fattening and diet sodas let's hit the road." "I'm not going." " What?" " Sorry, Mom, I can't do it." "Every time you have an errand it's, "Get in the car, Brick get a snack, Brick." I'm not gonna be your poodle anymore." "I'm done." "Poodle anymore." "I'm done." "Oh, come on." "Is running a few errands with me really that bad?" "Okay, for Sue's prairie project?" "Mint or teal?" "Mint or teal?" "Which one gets us out of here faster?" "Oh, remnants." "So, what do you think?" "Flattering?" "Or not so much?" "I love it." "Okay, we're heading home." "Frankie." "Hey, Paula." "I haven't seen you since the party." "Did you hear what happened after you left?" "It's a long, crazy story." " Have you got a minute?" " Sure." "You know how we have that powder room downstairs?" "Well, Mrs. Barnes..." "Well, what can I say, Brick?" "Our staff of nannies has the day off so unless you got a better idea, I'm afraid you're stuck with me." "But you can be my Coupon Captain." "Actually, I do have a better idea." "I wanna stay home alone." "Oh." "Yeah, that's not happening." "You're too young." "Oh, I was old enough to hook your bra in the dressing room." " Hook your..." " All right, got it." "Well, gosh, if it's so horrible to come with me maybe you'd rather spend afternoon at Aunt Edie and Aunt Ginny's." "That'd be great." "Would it?" "Because Aunt Edie has the edema in her leg again." "And it's swollen up to the size of a watermelon." "You can't react to it or you'll really hurt her feelings." "Bring it on." " Really?" " Yeah." "He likes Amelia?" "But she just moved here." "They hardly know each other." "Oh, she doesn't like him back." "She's using him to get back at Julia because she's a backstabber." " Wow, Shannon, you text really fast." " Thanks." "Don't you text?" "Uh, well, this is my mom's old phone." "It doesn't work." "I just use it as a clock." "It's Spencer." "Okay." "We're all in the same car." "Let's use our indoor screams." "He's with Greg and Brandon." "They gonna meet us at the movie." "Whoa, hang on." "You never said there's gonna be boys there." "Does your mom know about this?" "Dad, it's just a movie." "Well, movies aren't just movies for boys." "They're big, dark rooms with girls in them." "Nothing's gonna happen." "Don't you trust us?" "What?" "I hear this is a good movie." "So Mike was there to keep an eye out for trouble." "But he soon realized the real threat wasn't from the boys." "You have Gummy Bear in your braces." "I do?" "Ha, ha." "Is it out?" "Now is it out?" "You should go to bathroom and check." " Okay, anyone wanna come?" " I will." "Oh, do you have to?" "I'm really bad at saving seats." "Okay." "Be back in a flash." "I'm actually really good at saving seats." "I just wanted to talk to you for a sec, if that's cool?" " Sure." " You and Sue are really close, right?" "Duh, she's like my best friend." " That's why I need your help." " Okay." "I'm having this slumber party on Saturday night and you're invited." " I am?" "I really don't think we should say anything to Sue about it." "Then how will she know to come?" "She won't." "This is so hard for me because I would love to invite her because she's so sweet but I'm just worried that if I do she might feel uncomfortable there." "There's just gonna be a lot of Wrestlerettes there and I don't want people to make fun of her." "I'm just super-sensitive about feelings." " Hey." " What are you doing?" "You know how all that food you eat magically appears in the cupboards?" "Well, this is a behind-the-scenes look at that process." "Yes." "Coach says dairy promotes beard growth." "Cheese is dairy, right?" "So how was your afternoon with the aunts, Brick?" "Delightful." "It was horrible." "Why can't I stay home alone?" "I just turned 9." "Nine, Mom." "I'm growing up." "I've raked leaves and I've got that shoe-tying thing down." "I'm sorry, Brick." "You're not old enough." "If it makes you feel better, I didn't let Axl and Sue stay home at your age." "I'm smarter than them and you know it." "You weren't there." "I've never seen anything like it." "The girl was like a Bond villain." "She says words that seem nice, but they're not." "They're evil." "Is this Shannon we're talking about?" "Yeah, Shannon." "Oh, I was worried about her." "I thought she might be bad news." "You thought right." "She's moving in on Carly with this sleepover business." " You know how Sue loves a sleepover." " Oh, poor Sue." " I know." "So what're you gonna do?" " Nothing." "Nothing?" "What do you expect me to do?" "Whatever you do about this." "I don't know, this isn't my area." "Mike, you don't think I feel horrible?" "I feel horrible." "But there's nothing I can do." "You leapt into action and organized a letter-writing campaign when they stopped making cookies you like." "Our daughter's about to get hurt, you're gonna do nothing?" "Mike, this is junior-high girl drama we're talking about here." "It's a minefield." "You can't just go stomping in there or you'll get your legs blown off." "When did girls get like this?" "I thought girls were nice." "Girls are horrible to each other." "How can you not know that?" "Never driven them to the movies before." " So this is just how girls are?" " Yep." " And there's nothing we can do?" " No." "Brutal." "I gotta tell you, I wouldn't last 10 seconds as a girl." "Now you see why we eat so much chocolate?" "Sue, how old were you when mom let you stay home alone?" "Let's see." "She left me alone twice accidentally when I was 8." "And then on purpose when I was 9." "What?" "There's no way that that's true." "And if it is true, it's because girls mature faster than boys." "Axl, how old were you when mom let you stay home alone?" "You don't have to answer." "You're not on trial." "Hmm." "Let's see." "Uh..." "Well, accidentally when I was 6, then for real when I was about 9." "Hey, don't sweat it." "People just mature at different rates." "Well, well, well." "Isn't this an interesting development." "Seems I should be treated with the same trust as my brother and sister who have come before me." "Don't you guys agree?" "I don't think you should be allowed to stay home alone, but I do agree it's torture being with Mom." "So, what's it gonna be?" "What am I supposed to do?" "If I tell him no, he'll think I don't trust him." " You don't trust him." " Of course not." "You know how distracted he gets." "Remember last week?" "He forgot he was riding a bike." "It's never gonna be a good time with this kid." "We should just rip off the Band-aid and hope for the best." "He ate another Band-aid this morning." "One of ours or one he found?" "I don't wanna know." "We got bigger fish to fry." "Look what Sue left on the kitchen counter." "Sue and Shannon BFF." "BFF, Frankie." " You can't do anything." " Damn it." "I think we both discovered that it's way easier giving advice than taking it." "Because the next day..." " Hi, Dad." " Hi, Sue." "Hi, Carly." "Shannon." "I'm helping Shannon and Carly study for their science test." "Oh, that's very nice of you, Sue." "You're a kind and loyal friend." "It's important to be loyal." "Thanks." "Thanks for helping us." "Sue got an A in Mr. Murphy's class last year." "Oh, my gosh." "Funny story about Mr. Murphy." "He said I'm probably the smartest student he's ever had." "Oh, yeah?" "Ha, ha." "I'm sorry, how is that a funny story about Mr. Murphy, exactly?" "Because it didn't really seem to be about Mr. Murphy and it wasn't funny." "Did I miss something?" "Because I'm all for hearing a funny story about Mr. Murphy, but that wasn't it." "I was trying to say without bragging that I'm usually top of the class but as Wrestlerette captain, I've been crazy busy." "Teachers are saying they don't know how I do it all." "I'm just wondering." "How is that not bragging?" "You said you weren't bragging, but you do know what bragging is, right?" "Maybe you should skip Wrestlerette practice and try cracking a dictionary." "Dad." "What?" "Just helping with the vocab." "You know, in case it's ever on a test." "Come on, let's go study in my room." "Not you, Dad." "A few days later, I'd run out of milk and I'd run out of excuses." "Brick, I've made a decision." "I have to make a quick run to the grocery, and I've decided to let you stay home alone." "Okay." "That's it?" "You've been hounding me about this for days." "I thought you'd be excited." "Oh, I am." "All right, listen, I'll be gone exactly 24 minutes." "The emergency numbers are by the phone." "No pay-per-view, no baths, no knives, no going in the attic." "Somebody comes to the door, don't answer it." "If the phone rings, you can answer it." "If it's for me tell them I'm in the other room cleaning my gun and I'll call back in 24 minutes." "You got it?" "Got it." "Bye." "You're welcome." "What was I worried about?" "All he does is sit on the couch and read anyway." "Everything was gonna be fine." "And it would've been fine if he hadn't finished his book." "And there he was, right where I left him." "What was I worried about?" "Aah!" "Brick." "What happened?" "Brick, what?" "Aah!" "Brick!" "Uh-oh." ""Uh-oh"?" "That's all you can say?" "Why were you even using the oven?" "Well, you didn't tell me not to." "You said no pay-per-view, no baths, no..." "I didn't think I had to." "Nobody in this house ever uses the oven." "That's why I use it to store Aunt Pearl's quilt." "I just wanted to make pizza rolls." "Microwave is for pizza rolls." "The oven is for bulky storage." "This is what happens when I go against my instincts." "You are never staying home alone again." "End of story." "Hello?" "I still need my lunch." "So when next Saturday rolled around  Brick was back in the saddle with me." "All right, this is our last stop." "We just gotta get the car washed." " Ugh." " Don't even." "Mike was determined to make sure that even if Sue wasn't invited  to Shannon's sleepover, she still had a special night." "I'm really excited for our movie night." "I can't believe you wanted to watch Eclipse." "It is kind of hard to believe." "Dad, pretty awesome, right?" "My cheek patches are finally in." "All I need now is my connector area." "I'm pretty sure those aren't actual beard terms." "You should call Shannon and Carly, see if they wanna watch it with us." "Well, you know, they're probably busy." "Each with their own thing." "And I kind of wanted to just keep this a father-daughter night." "Really?" "Hello." "Hi, Shannon." "Nothing, just about to watch a movie with my dad." "How about you?" "Yeah, I have a sleeping bag." "Sure." "What was all that about?" "Shannon wants to borrow my sleeping bag." " What?" " Her family's going on a last-minute camping trip, her dad's gonna come pick it up." "You know what?" "How about I take it over myself?" "How you doing?" "Mike Heck." "Oh, hi." "Steve Kendrick." "You didn't have to bring that." "I was gonna come." "I was in the area, thought I'd save you a trip." "I appreciate that." "I'm happy to do it." "Listen, Steve, I wanted to kind of talk to you dad to dad." "You might not know, your daughter didn't invite my daughter Sue to the sleepover and now she calls and asks for the sleeping bag." " Oh, man." " Yeah, I know." "Wow." "Thanks for bringing it over." "Oh, ha, ha." "Hang on." "I don't think you're getting it." "See, they're supposedly friends." "And we're talking about a young girl's feelings here." "I know, but Shannon wanted to keep it small." "Sure." "But what's one more, right?" "Well, Shannon thinks we actually only have room for five." "Oh." "Then it's a square-footage thing?" "I bet we could squeeze in one more." "What's your family room?" "Two, 280?" "Should be plenty of room for six sleeping bags, if we stagger them." " We have a big coffee table." " I'll help you move it." " It's iron." " I got socket wrenches in my trunk." "We could take that apart in 10 seconds." "Look, Shannon is Shannon." "She wants what she wants." "You get it." "No, you know what?" "Actually I don't." "I don't get how you can watch your daughter do something like this to somebody and not feel the need to say anything." "It's not my job to force my daughter to do something she doesn't wanna do." "Actually, that's your exact job." "It is your job and my job to help kids be nice." "Teach them how to be decent." "Shannon's not gonna go for that." "Hmm." "I should speak to Shannon because she's running things around here." "Maybe Shannon doesn't consider your daughter a best friend." "She's best friends with Amelia?" "Amelia just moved here, and I know for a fact that she was just using her to get on Wrestlerettes." "I should go in there and blow that wide open." "That is not true." "They became friends through Julia." "Ah, the same Julia who didn't return any of her texts because she was too busy backstabbing her." "Your daughter doesn't deserve my daughter." "Take the sleeping bag." "I don't want it." " You shouldn't have asked for it." " I said I don't want it." " Take it." " You take it." " You take it." " You take it." "Dad, we need more popcorn." "Go ahead, Steve." "We both know you're gonna go." " Uh-uh." "Back seat." " Just for the car wash part." "I bet you let Axl and Sue sit up here when they were my age." "Don't start with me." "It's been a long day." " Tell me about it." " Hey, errands are no fun for me either." "I'd rather spend my weekend reading magazines and doing my nails." "But stuff's gotta get done, Brick." "That's fine." "But let me stay home." "I let you stay home." "You practically burned down the house." "Who keeps a quilt in the oven?" "Who uses up 500 feet of tinfoil?" "Yeah, that's right, I found the giant ball." " I hate coming with you." " No picnic for me either." "Sometimes I just wanna..." " Close the windows." " I'm blind!" "Give me that sheet of dinner rolls." "Dad." "Why do you still have the sleeping bag?" "They didn't want it." "They don't realize how terrific this sleeping bag is." "If they can't appreciate this sleeping bag, the hell with them." "It's really not that great." "I think mom found it at the church." "Wow, what an awesome week." "A Wrestlerette almost borrows my sleeping bag and now I get to watch a movie with just my dad." "Mike knew the truth would come out." "Somebody would text somebody who'd put it on their Facebook page  that there was a party, and she wasn't there, and he was." "Yep, there was gonna be a whole lot of junior-high pain coming Sue's way." "Tomorrow." "So Mike decided they should just enjoy tonight." "So explain to me again why her only choices for a date are a vampire and a wolfman." "It's not a date, Dad." "They're battling for Bella's soul." "See, that one, Edward, he's in love with Bella then Taylor Lautner came..." " He's the one with the abs." " Exactly." "So now she's sort of conflicted because she has to choose between Taylor Lautner, his gorgeous abs and Robert Pattinson and that hair." "You should've seen your face when that water came in the windows." "What about you?" "You were sneezing suds." "Aw, Brick." "I'm sorry for what I said." "Sometimes moms scream things they don't mean." "I'm sorry too." "It's just hard, you know?" "You're my youngest." "My last one." "I guess maybe the reason I'm not ready for you to stay alone besides the fire thing is because I'm gonna miss hanging out with you." "Me too." "But we'll still see each other around the house." "Hey, I'll tell you what." "When you can tie your shoe, I'll let you stay home alone." "Deal." "We'll revisit this in 10 minutes." "It was more like 10 months, but who's counting?" "Got it." "Dude, where's your beard?" "You're falling way behind." "Very funny, guys." "Hilarious." "Relax, we're just kidding." "Okay, new plan." "I'm telling the team my mom forbid me to grow a beard I need to know if you'll back me up." "Aw, of course I will." "I'll just be needing a little something from you in return." "Royal blue or sky blue?" "Oh, I saw a sweater in a store window in this color that I really liked." "We'll stop on the way home."