"I now sentence you to twelve years." "Objection!" "Too long?" "I always knew she was a bad egg." "You are going to be stuck in here for a very, very long time." "You were washing your girlfriend's flaps under Top Dog's favourite showerhead, bitch." "I am like a horse whisperer... for women." "I mean, it's not an address that makes much sense to me..." "Helen, I will literally bend over backwards to get you out of this hellhole." "Aaarrgh!" "Dear Maurice," "Thanks so much for your last postcard from death row." "In answer to your query, yes, but we call them knickers over here and no, we're not allowed lace, but that's for laundering reasons as much as anything." "It's my fourth week here in Broadmarsh and whatever novelty value there was in being falsely imprisoned for murdering my boss is wearing off." "Although, saying that there is the annual quiz this week which is a highlight of the prison calendar." "They seem to take it pretty seriously." "The good news is I've found someone on the outside who's willing to help me:" "Henry Keating." "Who'd have thought some bloke from my office who I never even registered would be my knight in shining armour?" "ZIPPER UNFASTENS" "I just hope I can repay him one day." "I've not heard from my sister, Laura, in a while but I guess it's reassuring to know she's taking care of my flat and dog and all my stuff while I'm in prison." "Oh, and about the conjugal visit you suggested-- I think you need to be married," " or at least going steady." " Are you OK?" " Are you having a heart attack?" " Huh?" "Yeah, no, I'm great." "Wait, where are the exits in here?" " Is it just those two?" " What?" "Somebody say Tony?" "I swear I heard someone say Tony." "Are you sure you're OK?" " Yeah, yeah, yeah." " OK, well let's get down to business." " I'm off the case." " What?" "Sorry, Helen, but I will not be continuing my investigations into the Entirely Tiles murder case." "(EXAGGERATED TONES) Tony Norman is no longer associated" " with Helen Stephens and her murder." " What are you doing?" "Is this about the money?" "Because my parents re-mortgaged their gite to pay you." " It's got nothing to do with the money." " Tony, I paid you to work on my case." "If you're not going to get me out of here, then I want that money back!" "Yes, and I will immediately pay back every penny of that money with a simple payment plan." "And then, by February 2016, we can draw a line under all of this." "Now, if you don't mind, Helen," "I'm washing my hands of this whole grubby affair." "Good day to you." "(EXAGGERATED TONES) And that was the last he ever saw of her." "You wait until my parents hear about this." "Nobody messes with the Stephenses-es!" "Rat." "I was wondering if you had any job vacancies?" "All right..." "Well, then, do you have anything reduced to clear?" "Or anything in your bins that's still OK to eat?" "I'll show you a boob." "You were supposed to distract him!" "We need to get a job." "Maybe think of this as an opportunity, Helen." "I mean, now you don't have a lawyer or any hope of getting out, you can really go for it with this whole prison thing." "I've written a poem, actually, about how I see our friendship developing over the next 12 years." "Unless one of us gets out." "Or is sectioned." "You killed a man." "You killed a man." "Killed a man, killed a man." "You killed a man and..." "I didn't kill a man." "Hang on." "I hadn't got to the refrain." " You killed a man, and then..." " Christine, look." "You are my best friend in here..." "'In here'?" "Oh, God, Helen." "Never have the words 'in here' been so cruelly used." "No, and your friendship is important to me but what is more important right now is that I get out of here." "I didn't kill Eric Bridges!" "I..." "What was that for?" "I don't even know!" "But that was obviously our first fight." "Oh, Helen!" "Try not to think of your time here as a 12-year stretch, OK?" "Look after the days and the sentence will look after itself." "Think, 'What have I got to look forward to today?" "'" "I'm quite looking forward to my shower." "I've got a new bottle of shower gel from Big Mags for helping her write that abusive letter to Vernon Kaye." "That's it!" "And then there's the quiz!" "There's really good prizes this year." "Third prize is a box of Family Circle biscuits." "Second prize is one of those big bottles of Tresseme hair conditioner, fingers crossed I get that, and first prize is five years off your sentence." "Five years off?" "Is this a misprint, Ma'am?" "Last year's first prize was two litres of Pepsi Max." "The ministry want us to cut the prison population by 2%." "Now, we could judge each case on its merits but we know how bad paperwork is for my morale." "So I thought, why not just up the stakes in this year's prison quiz and let them win their right to freedom with trivial knowledge?" "Are you sure you're allowed to do that?" "Ma'am knows best." "I think it's a smashing idea." "I shall have my quizmaster suit dry-cleaned." "That won't be necessary, Tim." "Frank will do it this year." "What?" "Why?" "Why?" "Why, why, why, why?" "Because I nut-sucking well said so!" "Five years off your sentence?" "For first prize?" "If I get five years off my sentence," "I could be out of here by the time I'm 42." "I could still have a family at 42, Christine." "Look at Sam Taylor-Wood!" "She had the sperms of a teenager to work with, but still..." "Helen, forget about it." "There are some really clever women in here." "Chantelle on B Wing can speak two languages:" "English and Patois." "Yeah, well, I studied Geography at Loughborough University, so if you want to talk glacial moraine, bring it on." "Who the flop's Glacial Moraine?" " Oh, it's a geography term for..." " Did I ask you?" "Uh..." "Yeah, you did ask me, actually." "Actually?" "Did you actually think that, actually?" "Who do you actually think you are, brainy?" "Nobody!" "I never said I was anyone, did I?" "Do you know what I'm in here for?" " Fly-tipping?" " That's right." "But that was 14 years ago." "Do you know why I'm still in here?" "No, I don't know why you're..." "Cos I sporked someone's throat out with one of these." "So next time you actually think I actually asked you a question," "I'm going to blatantly kill you." "Actually, that really hurts, actually." "And you can forget about trying to win this quiz, right, cos Fatty here is on the case." "She's going to get us a little preview of the questions." "Laters, bell-ends." "What are you doing in Mr Bridges' office?" "Um..." "I've..." "Well, I've been promoted." " Who promoted you?" " I promoted myself?" " Give me a promotion, then." " I can't." "I was the last of the promotions." "I'm afraid that ship has sailed." " What's that on your rucksack?" " What?" "Oh, God. lt's just some... some glue that hasn't..." "Don't touch it!" " Got it on your trousers as well." " Oh, God!" " And there's some on the keyboard." " What can I do for you, Mary?" "I was looking for this." "I'm starting up the lottery syndicate again." "Really?" "Why?" "Our boss was murdered in this very office, Mary." "Lady Luck isn't exactly smiling at us." "And anyway, the syndicate was Helen's thing" " and as she's not here to do it..." " Not exactly rocket science, is it?" "If that wetwipe Stephens can do a collection," "I think I'm more than capable." "It's what Eric would have wanted." "Hmm." "Let me muse on this, Mary." "I'm not sure that it's a good idea and also I think..." "Hi." "Um, I'm Laura Stephens." "Helen's sister." "I was wondering if her job was still going." "You've got some glue on your cuff." "What does Frank know about quizmastery?" "It's all about suspense, theatre, drama." "You've got to be a showman." " I am a showman." "Look." " All right, what's the capital of Finland?" " Greece." " See?" "No panache." "Supposed to say it like this:" "'The answer is..." "Greece!" "'" "No, it's not Greece, it's Helsinki." "'The answer is..." "Helsinki.'" "Tim, you're off the quiz." "Frank, it's yours now." "I'm going to close this door and count to three." "And when I open it again, you had better not be there." "We can still aim for second prize." "I've only ever been about getting that magnum of conditioner anyway." "No, screw that, Christine." "As the poster on my dentist's ceiling used to say," "'Pain is only temporary, but victory 'and porcelain molar caps are forever.'" "I want to take this all the way." "We need to win this!" "I am 100% all over that with a rash." "I admire your U-turn." "Let's do this!" " OK." "What you swotting up on?" " Everything!" "Lucky dip!" "Test me?" "Uh..." "What is the capital..." " Henry VIII!" " You need to wait until the end of the question." "No!" "You don't understand, Helen." "Nobody waits." "Ask me another." " OK, what is..." " Potassium Permanganate?" "This is going to be great." "Ask me another." " Hang on." " Hello, Entirely Tiles." "Can I help you?" "Hi, Can I speak to Henry Keating, please?" "I'm afraid Mr Keating's in a meeting." "Can I take a message?" "Oh, yeah, OK." "Can you tell him that, um... that Helen from, uh, prison called?" " Certainly." "Which prison shall I say?" " Laura?" " Hi, Helen." " What are you doing there?" " I work here now." " Doing what?" "Well, luckily, there was a recent vacancy at the office" " so it looks like I'm doing your job." " My job?" "How could you do my job?" "You got fired from a trial day at Knickerbox." "Shut up." "I'm brilliant at it." "It's taking me a while to work it all out but I've finally got the hang of this shredder." "Anyway, how's things?" "God, it must be nice living in Fulham." "I'm in a prison, Laura." "Still, location, location, location." "Oh, wait, here's Henry." "Henry's here." "Henry!" "It's Helen!" "From prison!" "I'll take it in my office." "Hello." "Henry Keating, Acting MD, Entirely Tiles." "Hi, Henry." "Listen, I'm nearly out of credit but my lawyer, Tony, is off my case now..." " Oh, no!" "Poor you." " No, no, I've decided it's a good thing." "Really, I'm better off without him." "He was never going to get me out of here." "So, you're saying if Tony Norman came back on your case you don't think you'd ever get out of prison?" "Exactly." "I need a new lawyer." " I'm on it like a bonnet." " Have you managed to find out anything about the address I gave you?" "Mashta Fembwick..." " it's too noisy to talk." " Come on, Henry!" "I'll come and see you." "OK?" "I'll come and see you, Helen." "Helen?" "I'm going to come and see you." "Henry, listen, I'm nearly out of credit..." "D'ohhhh!" "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "Helen!" "These are my friends Terri, Melissa and Pamela." "Girls, this is Helen, my bunk buddy." "Pleased to meet you." " How do you know each other?" " We all went to Cambridge together." "And Christine's on the same toilet-cleaning rota as us." "True story." "Wow." "I don't suppose you happen to know who the fifth president" " of the United States was?" " James Monroe, of course." "So he probably was." "So, how are you coping with your sister being in prison?" "Well, I'm just trying to keep busy, taking care of Helen's flat, taking care of her job and her stuff and her friends and that dog rat thing." "It's a full time job being Helen." "My life is no longer my own." "You know if there's anything I can do to help, anything at all, you sound incredibly busy," "I'm more than happy to take some of the strain of visiting Helen off you?" "You know, more... permanently." "Really?" "I mean if you're sure." "Because there is actually Helen's friend Sandy's party on Wednesday, which I'm going to be representing Helen at..." "It's really no problem." "I mean, she's trapped in there, isn't she?" "Like a little rabbit in a snare, totally dependent on me... us!" "Just stuck, captive." "I want to care for that little rabbit." "She doesn't know how bloody lucky she is." "Maybe in 12 years time, if she gets out, she'll thank us." "♪ For she's a jolly good fellow For she's a jolly good fellow" "♪ For she's a jolly good fellow" "♪ And so say all of us... ♪" "Oh, sir, sir?" "Can I give you one of these?" "Now, you'll notice I've got a van." "I'm off the case, OK?" "OK." "Huddle." " I suppose you're wondering why I've..." " For the quiz team?" "Yeah..." "Can I just...?" "I think we could go all the way in this quiz." "We are potentially an elite fighting force of trivia." " What is your specialist knowledge?" " Moraine." "And Jennifer Aniston." "Hey, guys!" "Why didn't you tell me we were having a Quiz meeting?" "Christine, can you just...?" "Keep your voice down." "Why would you have a quiz meeting without me?" " I thought we were a team, Helen." " We are, it's just..." "If this is about me thinking Kevin Keegan was a politician, then..." "No, it's not." "It's just..." "You need a specialist subject." "I've got one." "Trivia." "You're in the team, OK?" "You've made the team, it's just..." "We just need to work out how best to use you." "I mean, rather than you getting bogged down answering questions we need some sort of maverick to bolster the team's confidence." " What, like a mascot?" " Well no, not a mascot..." "That is the best idea ever!" "I've wanted to be a mascot all my life!" "I'm going to go find myself a costume!" "Oh Mary, can I put in for the lottery syndicate?" "It's for permanent staff only." "In that case, let me grab my tin!" "One, two, four, six, 7p." " You take euros, Mary?" " Mmm." "So..." "Fatty got sprung nicking the questions." "Right, Plan B." "We'll have to go legit on this." "Put a team together, win the old fashioned way." "But we ain't even got enough for a team now Fatty's in solitary." "You got an hour to find the smartest bitch in here, and sign them up to team We Thought It Was a Disco." "Cos if you don't, you'll all be joining Fatty in solitary." " Then it won't be solitary." " Get out!" "'Alaska became the 49th US state in what year?" "'" " Terri, E Wing." " 1959." "'59!" "Beat me to it!" "'Where would you find Harris, Lewis and Benbecula?" "'" " Melissa, E Wing." " The Outer Hebrides." "Hebrides!" "When are the tough questions coming?" "Come on!" "'Who was voted the GQ Sexiest Woman of All Time in 2011?" "'" " Stevens, P Wing." " Jennifer Aniston!" "A-agh!" "Yes!" "Oi, brainy!" "I want a word with you." "Keep doing the..." "Pretty impressive answer back there." "You want to keep it up tonight." " Yeah, well that's the plan..." " Cos you're on Top Dog's team now." "She wants to win this thing." "What?" "No, I thought she had another plan." "Whatever." "We need a Plan B, brainy." "And that Plan B is now you." "Plan B is..." "Plan U?" "No." "You is Plan B..." "See?" "Plan C?" "SHOUTING AND CLAPPING" "You're looking sexy, Miss!" "Try me." "Cos I'm this close." "I'm counting on you, brainy." "If Top Dog don't get five years off her sentence, you're going to wish you never got sent to prison." "I already wish I never got sent to prison." "That's right." "Ladies and semi-ladies." "Welcome to the 7th Annual Broadmarsh Quiz." "CHEERING AND SHOUTING" "Let's keep it a good, clean competition so no fag-ending, cheating or phlegm-based spit." "Right." "Question number one..." "HE SNORTS" "OK..." "Excuse me." "What does that say?" "Bacteriologist." "Bacteriologist..." "LAUGHS NERVOUSLY" "Excuse me." "MOANS AND GROANS" "And that... and that word?" "Penicillin." " Penicillin." "And that word there?" " It's a question mark!" "Um, you know, I can't really read." "SHOUTING AND BANGING" "A-agh!" "Hello, Tony." "Question number 12." "Who is the patron saint of laundry workers?" "That's the patron saint of laundry workers?" "Question 13." "What is a Sirocco?" "I'll say that again." "A Sirocco." "Question 14." "Trevor Tapis killed at least 15 victims." "But how many of them were women?" "I could text him." "That's..." "How many women were killed by the Dentist of Death, Trevor Tapis?" "And finally, where would one find terminal moraine?" "That's terminal moraine." "No, stop writing, Debbie." "You tell Top Dog we have so flippin' won this shit!" "You know what I'm going to do with my five years off?" "Join the Sainsbury's management training scheme." "Five years time, I'm going to be managing Guildford Branch." "CHEERING AND SHOUTING" "Lennie says, 'First Prize, here we come.'" "You're getting out of here, boss." "Funny, innit?" "You haven't left your cell in nine years and now you're getting out." "Yeah, it is funny, innit, yeah." "Ha-ha-ha!" "I'm laughing!" "Ha-ha-ha!" "Ha-ha-ha..." "Shut up!" "BIRD TWEETS" "Shut up." "BIRD FLIES AWAY" " Do I know you?" " Let's just say I'm a friend of Helen Stephens." "Oh right?" "Helen tells me you're off the case." " If this is about the money..." " This isn't about the money!" "I've spent it, anyway." "Cos you're staying on the case." "Are you threatening me on the case?" "Because I've already been threatened off the case." "I'm damned if I'm going to be threatened back on the case." "I've been getting to know all about you, Tony." "It's been interesting." "I know for example that you're a lawyer with a penchant for booze and horses." "No?" "Not biting?" "OK." "I also know you're a lawyer with a penchant for your knees." "And question number 13, unlucky for some, what is a Sirocco?" "It's a wind!" "What the...?" "You said it was a hangover cure, you dick!" "And question number 14..." "Trevor Tapis killed at least 15 victims." "How many of them were women?" "This was a trick question, because he did stab Elsa Tilson 23 times in the chest but she survived." "So the answer is none." "That's none women." "Lying prick." "And question 15, where would one find terminal moraine?" "That's the big moraine question," "'Where would one find terminal moraine?" "'" "And the answer is..." "'In the snout of a glacier."" "Yes!" "Yes!" "What?" "That's weird." "The snout of the..." "I thought it was a glacial lake." "That's it." "We flopped it." "Did we even get one right?" "Now, before I actually announce the winners," "I'd like to give a special mention to We Thought It Was a Disco, who not only managed to come last but also to score 'none points'." "DERISIVE LAUGHTER Bagsy not breaking this to Top Dog." "Shut it!" "In third place with two points it's Fo' Shizzle My Quizzle." "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "In second place with 13 points, it's Quiz Team Bleakley." "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "But in first place with a full 15 points... it's Smarty Pints." "Congratulations, you've won five years off your sentence, which may be split, fairly or unfairly, amongst the team." "Well done." "Yes..." "This is great." "What a buzz!" "I'm actually released next week, but the guys here have confirmed that I can use this prize in lieu of when I kill again." "Yes!" "Yes!" "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "I might have known you'd let me down on the brains front." "You always were a D+ kind of girl." "It wasn't my fault." "They were relying on me too much." "I had to answer every single question!" "How many'd you get right?" "None, but if some of the others had even answered some of them there would have been a lot more." "Slasher doesn't even know how to use a pencil!" " Except as a weapon." " R-rr!" "Hey!" "Shut it!" "I've had just about enough of you." "All of you." "I ask you one simple thing." "Win me five years off my sentence in a general knowledge quiz." "And can any of you do that?" "I need to think this through." "Slasher, get my Dolphin CD." "The rest of you, get out." "BIRD TWEETS" "Dear Maurice, thank you for your postcard." "And especially thank you for your latest drawing." "You captured a good likeness of what I'd look like bending over." "Next time I'd love to see how good you are at drawing trousers." "I can't bear to think about everything I'm missing on the outside world." "Shortly after I was sentenced, a new Haagen Daz opened on my high street." "Will it still be there on my release?" "12 years is a long time in the luxury ice cream trade." "I've begun to think my only hope is Henry Keating." "I pray he can help me." "I'll get to the bottom of this, Bridges." "What did you see that night?" "Oh, if only African butterfly fish could talk." "What the hell are you doing?" "Mrs Bridges!" "Yeah, that's right." "Now what's all this I hear about you visiting my husband's killer?"