"Yeah." "OK." "When did he start doing that?" "'In AE.'" "Yeah, what colour?" "'Sorry?" "'" "What colour was the puke?" "Colin, go back down to AE, find his puke and call me back." " 'Find his...?" "Sorry?" "'" " Jesus, you know where AE is?" "'Yeah...'" "Look, you really shouldn't be calling me." "'Yeah, and what about...'" "Thank you." "That's a pound a nut." "Hi." "Hi." "I wonder if you'd like to sit somewhere more comfortable." "More comfortable?" "Sorry." "It's just, we have a big conference today and we need this area." "I'm meeting someone." "It's important." "Oh, um..." "Let me get back to you." "Probably all right for half an hour." "Great." "Mia?" "'No." "It's Colin Farber." "From the hospital.'" "I know who you are, unfortunately, Colin." "'Yeah." "Right." "So the puke is green.'" "So go and find Mr Khan." "'No, he's not on call.'" "Neither am I, Colin." "So get Mr Khan to confirm a bile leak." "He's a real doctor who actually, unlike you, knows some stuff, and you'll stand an even-to-good chance of not killing your patient if you take his advice." "OK?" "'Oh." "Hang on." "No." "We've got the wrong puke.'" "I think we're done here, Colin." "My office tomorrow, 8.30am, and your retcher better still be alive or we'll be having a long chat." "Do you understand?" "'Yeah, er...'" "Fucking hell." "'Hi, you've got Mia." "Message or text me.'" "You're late." "And... yeah." "Idiot!" "Oh, what?" "They'll be getting hot and heavy over Brighton." "Yeah." "I was with Kev in the negotiation." "That's not a strategic partnership." "It's grooming!" "Keep it in your pants, Kev." "Excuse me." "So sorry." "Look, I was kind of sitting here and..." "That's my drink." "And that's my bag there." "Oh, sorry." "We sort of need this space." "Is that OK?" "Yeah, well, given that you're a little inconsiderate, it's..." "OK." "Oh, wow." "And you're a little rude when you try." "I'm not really trying." "Give him his little sack, Martin." "Thank you." "Cheers." "Thanks." "Didn't mean to be difficult." "But you are." "So it's fine." "What an arsehole." "What was he like?" "He left his nuts." "I was just about giving up on you." "'Yeah." "Got held up.'" "So this hotel's ridiculous and I've checked into the penthouse, it's like this flagship Ikea showroom." "'I'm not coming.'" "Do I actually want to know why you're not coming or...?" "'I met someone.'" "Right, right." "So, since you called me yesterday and told me to drop everything and book into a hotel, you've met someone." "'Don't always be an idiot, Stephen.'" "I beg your pardon?" "Is it someone special, by any chance?" "'Yes.'" "You are such a fuck-up." "Did you get moved?" "Er, yeah." "They're local government officers." "Terrible tippers." "Bummer." "Let me get you something." "No." "I'm going to go." "I just got stood up." "Really?" "You're very sweet." "Thanks." "It's on the conference." "Oh." "Cheers." "Have an adventure." "Why not?" "Yeah." "Why not?" "Building Devolved Enterprise will begin in five minutes in the conference room." "Grab a drink..." "Sorry." "Excuse me." "Oh." "Hello again." "Yeah." "Hi." "I didn't realise you were here for this." "Oh, Christ." "Oh, don't worry, it's fine." "No." "God, I'm so embarrassed." "You're Matthew Binney." "Um, Heidi Greenholm." "Northamptonshire Partnership." "Er, hi." "I'm so sorry I was prickly before." "No, really, really, don't worry." "It was a meeting of minds." "OK." "Um, we've heard so much about your, um, Argyll initiative." "Great." "Great." "Yeah." "You guys really cut the crap up there." "Mmm." "We try." "I read your blog, you know." "Your so-called mystery blog." "They would so can the arse of anyone who pulled that in Northamptonshire." "There was a bit of a flair deficit in Argyll." "Unlike Northampton, I'm sure." "There's no shortage of talent there." "Yeah." "It's a hothouse." "So, er, what do you do?" "Oh." "Um, HR strategy." "Ah." "I specialise in firing pervy headmasters." "Nice." "Yeah." "There's a lot of begging for mercy." "Of course." "Oh." "I'd like to see that." "Oh, erm, we've got Building Devolved Enterprise now." "We should probably..." "Will that be good?" "No." "It's a complete pile of toss-cake, obviously." "Oh, dear." "But I had to come." "You?" "What?" "All the way from Argyll, wherever the fuck that is." "Er, seeking strategic partnership." "There's a real shortage of those in Scotland." "How do you usually go about that?" "Adventurously." "Yeah." "Well, I see the sense in your thinking." "So, do you want to get a proper drink?" "We can totally check out Local Authority Transition." "It's just that, um, I think it might be a bit too exciting for me." "I'm not as young as I was." "Um... yeah." "Great." "Great, great." "Well, um, downstairs." "Yeah." "Follow me." "OK." "Are you sure she said it was down here?" "I think so." "Yeah, well, I bet you've done this before." " Fairly sure." " Yeah, right." "I don't know." " It seems quiet." "Jesus." "It's closed." "Great." "Wow." "We can sit over there." "OK." "It's nice." "My line manager will need another six months off with stress if she finds out I bunked off." "Well, there you go." "You're doing her a favour." "You're right." "It's nice." "Stuff it." "Yeah." "Matthew." "Hmm?" "Do you mind me asking you if you're married?" "Not that I'm thinking of doing anything other than, I don't know, sit around, get a bit blasted, have slightly edgy banter with you." "It's just that it is already feeling a bit wrong on a number of counts." "Wrong?" "Yeah, wrong." "Because..." "Well, I am actually married." "Ahh." "Yeah." "And it's, er..." "A bit wrong." "Yeah." "Sorry." "So, do you want to go back up?" "Nah." "We're all right for a bit." "I think we are." "I-I'm not going to jump you." "You promise?" "Because I'm liking you so far, but you wouldn't want to spoil it." "Not at all." "And it is fucking boring up there." "Right." "Oh God." "Do you always think you might..." "Oh, it's so childish." "W-what?" "Erm... the slight fantasy about, erm... a bit of a moment at a conference." "Oh, no, it's a good one I find." "Well, maybe." "Are we having a moment now?" "Relax." "It's..." "It's very peaceful here." "I'm not married." "Actually, I think I just got dumped." "Oh." "When?" "Recently." "Did you take it badly?" "Well, I'm not taking it as badly as I thought." "Funny." "Even though she, sort of, totally fucked me over." "Oh, yeah, I get that." "You can't mess with the Scottish birds." "I'm sorry?" "Er, I presume she's from the Outer Hebrides or I don't know." "Oh, I see." "No, no, no." "She's..." "No." "Well, I like it when good-looking men get fucked over." "It's probably keeping you honest." "Well, not as much as it should be." "I'm separated..." "We're trailing it." "Just a trial thing." "Is there any, any particular reason?" "I need to know he's not going to bore me shitless for the next however many decades..." "Got it." "While we meander towards key moments like deciding to have kids of some description." "That's the big elephanty thing." "I see." "You do?" "I'm just, just listening." "You're pretty good at it." "Well, it's in a rather tightly focused group of things" "I'm actually competent at." "Right." "Well, I'll keep taking advantage, if you don't mind." "We'll probably never see each other again after all." "What happens in London, stays in London." "Er, nothing's gonna happen." "I do love him." "I mean, I'm pretty sure I do." "Well, it's a start." "But..." "Oh, you can't help wondering, you know, is there someone, or something else out there that you just missed somehow." "So you subtly screw everything up cos you're playing with the idea that you could do better." "Is that what you're doing now?" "I'm thinking you're a bit more of a short-term fantasy." "Medium to long-term is not my forte." "Is that why she dumped you?" "Probably." "She doesn't give much away." "I'm 40 years old." "It smells of disappointment." "Not for me, other people." "But, erm, hey, I can still entertain." "Ah, there's life in the old dog." "I said 40." "Nah, you're into the wall." "I think you're running out of road." "Well, not exactly running out of road..." "Yeah, your bell is tolling." "Cheers." "Yeah, cheers, mate." "It's tolling for you." "That hurts." "The tolling bit." "So... so when you go back to your husband..." "Who says I'm going back to him?" "Right." "No, OK." "Sorry." "When you go back to your husband..." "Fuck you, mister." "OK." "Yeah." "Yeah." "He's gotta shape up." "Let's drink to that." "No." "Bollocks." "We're doing it, right?" "I'm having a fucking moment and I'm enjoying it." "You like me." "Right?" "I do." "You'd screw me... if you thought I'd let you, but you're enough of a gentleman not to push it." "Correct." "Reluctantly." "OK." "OK." "Yeah." "I think I might tell him." "What?" "That you met a really good listener?" "That I met someone who wanted to fuck me senseless." "Well, I'm not sure I quite qualify." "Leave it." "This is my moment." "I want him to pay attention, that's all." "I could so spend an afternoon just talking, laughing, fucking..." "I do have the penthouse." "Huh?" "Nothing." "I think I'd like to go for a swim now." "Really?" "Yeah." "It's looks all right." "I'm going in." "Heidi?" "Yeah?" "Nothing." "It's just that..." "It's rude to stare." "OK." "I'm just thinking..." "you've had a fair amount of wine..." "I swim two miles every morning." "What are you?" "My GP?" "Hey, mate, leave it." "Come on, Matthew." "Forget the silly cow for half an hour." "Let's play it out." "Yeah!" "Whoo!" "♪ Da-da-da-da Da-da-da!" "♪" "Are you sure you're ready for this?" "Yeah!" "What's so funny?" "Your face!" "Whoo!" "Oh, it's freezing!" "There's no heating!" "You great big pussy!" "Oh, shit!" "You know, really seriously now..." "Shit!" "That is so not on." "You child!" "It's cold, it's so cold." "Are you OK?" "Are you all right?" "Do you want me to keep you warm?" "Yes, please." "Yes, please." "Thank you very much." "I'm not warm enough." "I'm not warm enough." "Leave it." "I'm sorry." "I'm really sorry." "I've just got to check." "'Mr Kelly?" "Stephen?" "!" "Mr Kelly?" "!" "'" "Yes." "Colin, why are you calling?" "'He's really septic." "His BP's dropping." "I don't know what to do.'" "Slow down." "'He's not breathing." "The puke guy, he's stopped breathing.'" "Christ." "OK." "'I just went to get a cup of tea...'" "Yeah, whatever." "Is he hypotensive?" "'Yes." "Yeah, he is.'" "Where's the ITU Registrar, Colin?" "'I don't know." "I'm on my own." "I can't find Mr Khan.'" "Calm down." "Colin, you need to call the crash team." "You need to call the crash team, call the crash team now." "'OK." "What now?" "'" "Jesus Christ!" "Chest compressions, Colin." "Compressions." "'Yes.'" "What?" "Are you counting?" "Ten seconds and they're there." "Just keep compressing." "'OK, I have a pulse.'" "Yeah?" "Good." "OK." "You did OK, Colin." "Yep, you did OK." "Keep going, keep it there." "You're on it now." "You're on it now." "Well done." "'Thank you." "Thank you, Stephen.'" "That's very, very bad." "It's possibly..." "not, not so awful." "Oh, it really is." "So, who are you?" "Uh, well..." "I'm a doctor." "Obviously." "So, interesting work is it?" "It's not too bad." "I don't have much time to..." "That is for being a deceitful little weasel." "Right." "Would saying sorry help?" "Not really." "I just... fell into it." "Well, that's your problem." "You just play." "It's why she dumped you cos you're just playing." "You think?" "Oh, yeah." "It all makes you feel like a bit of a tosser." "Medium to long-term." "What's your name?" "Stephen." "Stephen Kelly." "I like to know names." "I pretty much know everyone who's kissed me." "Would you like my card?" "Bye." "Bye." "Good kisser." "You can add that to your list." "Thanks." "You're hot." "I know." "Hi." "Hi." "How was it?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "Not too bad." "Good." "Feel better?" "I'll live." "How hard can it be to just meet a nice, normal guy?" "What is so wrong with me?"