"ANNOUNCER:" "This is the story of two sisters," "Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell." "These are the Tates, and these are the Campbells." "And this is Soap." "[ALL CLAMORING]" "[♪]" "Yeah, but..." "Yeah, but..." "But..." "But..." "Yeah, but..." "What?" "But..." "What?" "What?" "What?" "What?" "What?" "What?" "!" "..." "But..." "What?" "All right." "Yeah, no." "Yeah, well." "No, thanks." "Thanks anyway." "What did he say?" "It's not terrific." "Burt, tell me." "Well, it's a little sketchy, but it's not hopeless." "Burt, would you just tell me?" "Carol can take the baby... and there isn't a thing on this earth you can do about it." "That's not hopeless?" "Jodie, when a parent takes her own child out of state, doesn't ask for ransom, its not kidnapping." "What if she's still in the state?" "Could you do something then?" "Jodie, please." "I hardly think a person would snatch their kid and take in a matinee." "Burt, are you going to help me?" "Damn it!" "You're mad, right?" "No, no, I'm not mad." "I'm going to kill her, Burt!" "I'm going to kill her!" "You kill..." "You can't kill..." "No kill!" "You said you weren't going to do anything." "That is not true, I did not say I wasn't going to do anything." "Now, sit down." "I just said I couldn't do anything." "Jodie, come on." "The law's the law." "Tell me what the D.A. said." "To hell with the D.A." "What if it was the D.A.'s kid, huh?" "It's the same difference here." "No, it's not." "All right, big news." "We are talking big." "What?" "I just got this kidnap note back from the lab." "Yeah, well, what did they say?" "That's not important, its what they said that's important." "Like?" "Like the note was analyzed and discovered to be written on paper with a pen of some kind." "But... there were no fingerprints, no hairs, no..." "No makeup traces, no identifying marks of any kind." "So?" "So... if Carol hadn't signed it, we wouldn't have known it was her." "I can't believe this, I got to go." "Jodie, there's nothing legally I can do." "Well, there is something that I can do." "What?" "Find her, that's what." "Find her." "Of course!" "Danny, please." "This..." "Burt, I'll find Carol and I'll kill her, and then I'm going to find Tibbs and I'm going to kill him, and then you can find me and kill me." "Why would I kill you?" "Well, I don't know, it's just in the planning stages." "Who's this Tibbs you're talking about?" "No, no." "It's nobody." "It's nothing." "A cat." "Mrs. Schlockmeis' cat." "Tearing up the azaleas." "Makes Danny crazy." "Get out of here." "Burt?" "It's nothing." "It's a little routine blackmail." "Happens to sheriffs all the time." "Don't worry about it." "Let's just concentrate on getting Wendy back." "First things first." "Let's all calm down." "Not going to solve anything flying off walls." "You're right, Burt." "It's just, I don't know what to do." "Don't lose faith." "That's one thing we can't do." "Don't lose faith." "We'll find a way, I promise you." "That's my own granddaughter we're talking about." "You're right, Burt." "I'm sorry." "We'll think of something." "I got it!" "Oh!" "Heh..." "It's so simple, I'm surprised I thought of it." "What?" "We find Carol." "We call her up, and we tell her that she nabbed the wrong baby and when she comes back to make the switch..." "Whammo!" "I got to go, I just got to go." "Jodie, come on." "No, listen." "Fellas, listen." "I understand that there is nothing legal that you can do, and I don't blame you, okay?" "Believe me, I don't blame you." "I just have to do this my own way." "What are you going to do, Jodie?" "Jodie, be careful." "Poor guy." "Oh, I feel terrible, but there's nothing I can do." "I couldn't cross the state line and bring her back for kidnapping even if it was kidnapping." "Oh, what a mess." "Leslie is trying to kill Billy, Tibbs is blackmailing us," "Jodie wants to kill Carol." "Why is it all the crimes in this town seem to be in my own family?" "[♪]" "Ta-da!" "Here we are!" "Oh, oh!" "Oh, it's lovely to be home." "Hello, Saunders." "Hello, Mrs. Tate." "Welcome home." "Oh!" "That's lovely, thank you." "No." "No?" "No." "Oh." "Oh, Mother, it's just so good to have you home again." "Thank you, Eunice." "It's nice to be here too." "And so much has happened." "I have to catch up on it all." "Well, Leslie has been..." "Billy," "I don't think we should mention the murder attempts, we don't want to upset Mother." "I'll handle it." "You can trust me." "So, Billy, what's new with you?" "Nothing is new." "What could be new?" "Not a thing." "Everything's old, you didn't miss a thing," "I have nothing new to report." "Billy, I think you made your point." "Right, Dad." "Daddy, what's new with you?" "I met a girl in France." "She promised to fly to America and be my bride when the war is over." "Major, the war has been over for 35 years." "Really?" "Mm-hm." "I'd better get to the airport." "Hope she ate on the plane." "Mother?" "Hm?" "Dutch and I have something to tell you." "Really?" "We saved the biggest for last." "Oh, what is it Eunice?" "We're getting married." "Oh!" "Eunice, that's wonderful." "Chester, isn't that wonderful?" "Oh, my goodness." "A wedding in this house." "How brilliant!" "Chester!" "Dad, what are you doing?" "Sorry, I lost my head." "Princess, did you say "marry"?" "Right in this house, Daddy." "Oh, Chester, isn't it wonderful?" "A wedding in this house." "You know, Eunice," "Grandma and Grandpa were married here," "Aunt Mary and her first husband were married here, my first husband and I were married here..." "Which of course is Chester, and, actually, he still is my first husband." "For now, anyway." "And now you and Dutch are marrying here." "Oh, it's going to be wonderful." "I won't allow it!" "I will not allow it." "But, big guy, gee whiz!" "What do you mean?" "First of all, he is an unemployed ex-convict who was incarcerated for murder." "Secondly, he eats with his hands." "Now, Chester, you're a murderer too." "Yes, but my manners are impeccable." "That is not fair." "We're in love, and we're going to get married with or without your blessing." "Oh, ho!" "Blessing?" "I was working on a hex." "Chester, stop it." "Hold it, everybody." "I understand how the big guy feels, and he's right." "Everything he says about me is right." "The only thing I can say is..." "I love your little girl, big guy, and I'll take good care of her." "I really love her." "And I love you too." "And I'd be honored if you'd be my best man." "I can't be your best man." "I'm the bride's father." "I have to give Eunice away..." "Oh." "To you." "[SOBBING]" "My little girl." "Mother, aren't you happy for me?" "Oh, Eunice," "I'm... relieved." "I mean, I realize it's none of my business, but I did feel a little uncomfortable when you were fooling around." "But now that I know you're getting married," "I guess the fooling around wasn't really fooling around, it was just sort of practice." "Yeah, we fooled around a lot." "Dutch!" "Oh, big guy, there's only one more thing that I would like to have happen." "And if it happened," "I'd be the happiest guy in the whole U.S.A." "Me too, only it would have to look like an accident." "If I could just call you Dad, you could call me son." "Dad, come on." "Get ahold of yourself." "Ahem." "Sorry." "I'm behaving like a fool." "Of course I'm delighted." "When's the happy day?" "Next week, Daddy." "[GROWLS]" "Chester!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Sorry." "I'm all right." "I'm fine." "I'm just overwhelmed." "I always wanted my princess to have a proper wedding." "News coverage, dignitaries, surrounded by senators and congressmen." "Next week, my little girl will be married and I'll be surrounded by people named Blackie and Cheech." "Okay, this time I'm really going to do it." "Oh, God." "Not again!" "This is like living on the Lebanese border." "Leslie, when are you going to knock this off?" "Billy, don't make trouble, okay?" "Leslie, how are you dear?" "Oh, hi, Mrs. Tate." "Oh, you look wonderful." "Oh, thank you." "Oh, I was so worried." "I was going to send you a card, but I was afraid they might try and trace it." "Well, it's a lovely thought, dear." "Oh, well, I'm so glad you're home." "Welcome back." "I'm going to have to blow you up now." "All right, dear." "Leslie, this is insane." "What did you say, you gutless twit?" "Nothing, nothing." "Not a thing." "Gutless twit?" "Funny." "[UNEASY LAUGHTER]" "Well, say your prayers, people, 'cause we're all going up together." "[GASPING]" "Dutch." "My God." "Oh, no!" "[SQUEALING] Goodbye, dear." "Dutch, that was amazing." "I guess it was a dud." "Dutch, I hardly know what to say, except... that was the bravest, most selfless thing" "I've ever seen." "Hey, it was a dud." "Yes, but you didn't know that." "I've been very wrong about you, Dutch, I'm sorry." "As for marrying my little girl," "I'd be honored to have you join our family, son." "Big guy." "Dad!" "You're crushing my pencils." "Oh!" "Uh..." "Saunders." "Yes." "Would you dispose of this thing, please?" "Not a chance." "Back away, men." "I've had experience with these babies." "I shall deactivate her." "Billy, how long has this been going on?" "Going on?" "What, Ma?" "How long has Leslie been trying to blow you up?" "It's the first time." "I can't understand it." "Damndest thing." "It may be a phase." "Billy." "[EXPLOSION]" "Daddy?" "Well, it's deactivated." "Mrs. Tate, I shall now be taking your father to the hospital." "Whenever you're ready, dinner is on the stove." "The stove, however, is in the pool." "[♪]" "[♪]" "Jess." "Hi, Mary." "How are you?" "Jess." "You are already said that, Mary." "Is something wrong?" "Oh, Jess." "Something's wrong." "Oh, Jessie, Jessie." "Oh, Mary, Mary." "Here, sit down." "Now, don't say a word." "Just sit, collect yourself, take a deep breath." "[INHALES]" "Now, tell me." "Oh, Jess!" "This is not going well." "I can't..." "I can't stand it." "After all I've been through, how could he?" "How could he?" "I can't really say, Mary." "After all he's put me through." "Impotence, infidelity, invisibility." "The three I's." "And now this." "What?" "This." "Oh, Jess!" "If only you knew what was in here." "It would make it easier to have this conversation." "This is something, Jess." "This is really something." "Oh, tell me, Mary!" "I can't." "If I tell you something, will you tell me something?" "But you don't have anything like this something." "Well, I don't know anything about your something, but I've got something." "What?" "Chester and I are going to be divorced." "No." "Yes." "Oh, Jessica." "Divorce!" "Well, that's something." "I told you." "But it's nothing compared to this." "Hm." "Get ready." "My, oh, my, oh, my." "It's pornography." "Not only that, Mary, no one has any clothes on." "Well, Burt is very, uh... handsome." "How could he do this, Jess?" "I don't know, I never could." "Well, I couldn't, could you?" "Could I what?" "Well, you know, in a group of people..." "I mean, I'd be too embarrassed." "I have trouble getting up to play charades." "Do you ever get embarrassed?" "Oh, well, no." "Not embarrassed." "I worry sometimes that I look a little silly." "I know, like when you lean over and your face falls." "Falls?" "Oh, sure!" "That's why I make sure I am never in a position where I am leaning over someone, if you know what I mean." "Your face falls?" "Sure, look." "Look at this." "Oh, God, Jess!" "You look awful." "Is that how I look?" "Well, you wouldn't have the red hair, but you'd look awful." "I had no idea." "You see, then if you lean back this way, everything falls nicely back." "You look 10 years younger." "I see." "I just wish that they had come up with a more dignified way to do the entire thing." "I could never be in a group, I'm too competitive." "Look at that woman, she's gorgeous." "Mm." "I mean, I am sorry she lives on this planet." "Ha, ha, ha." "She is beautiful." "Of course, I don't think they're real." "They're not?" "In that position?" "Please." "Nothing stands up like that, except the Himalayas." "But, Mary, if they're not real, what are they?" "Silicone." "Silicone?" "Isn't that what my frying pans are made of?" "That's Teflon." "Oh!" "Oh, Jess, what am I going to do?" "Talk to him, Mary." "I'm sure that there's some explanation for this." "What possible explanation could there be?" "Maybe Burt was trying to separate them." "Jessica, where are his clothes?" "Maybe it was a nudist colony." "Perhaps Burt had to break up a fight in a nudist colony." "Jessica, he's smiling." "Of course he is, Mary." "He's having his picture taken." "I'm going to kill him." "Oh, Mary!" "I'm going to leave him." "I'm going to divorce him, and I'm going to kill him." "Mary, talk to him." "I'm sure there must be some reason for this." "You just talk to him, then if you don't like his answers, then you can kill him." "[♪]" "[SINGING QUIETLY]" "Oh!" "Chester, this is my bedroom." "Yes, and it hasn't been the same without you, Jess." "Hm." "Oh..." "So good to have you back home again." "Thank you very much, Chester." "Now, will you kindly put your shoes back on?" "They'll get the sheets dirty, Jess." "You are not going to sleep in those sheets." "I threw you out, remember?" "Oh, Jess!" "You didn't mean that, did you?" "I did." "Jess, you can't throw me out." "Oh, no?" "Wait a minute." "Let me understand this." "What you're saying is, we're finished." "That's right, Chester." "[SOBBING] Oh, no!" "Chester." "I'm fine." "I'm strong." "I can take this." "So let me get this straight." "What you are in essence saying is that it's over, is that it?" "That's it, Chester." "What am I gonna do?" "Where am I gonna go?" "Where?" "Where?" "Oh, God, where?" "Chester, Chester." "I'm fine." "I'm okay." "I'm an ox." "I'm fine." "Don't worry." "I'm leaving." "I'll be okay." "Oh, help me, help me!" "God, please don't leave me." "Now, just calm yourself down, Chester." "Calm." "Calm." "Yes, I'm calm." "Look." "A calm person." "Now, Chester, I have thought about this and I want to make this as easy on you as possible." "Therefore, until you have gotten entirely on your feet," "I have decided to let you stay..." "Thank you!" "Thank you!" "Thank you!" "Thank you!" "Chester." "Yes." "Chester, I'm prepared to let you stay in the pool house." "The pool...?" "The pool house?" "The pool house." "Jess, the pool house has a concrete floor." "Well, it needs a little fixing up, but it could be quite cozy." "Jess, that's where guests change to use the pool." "Well, we don't have all that many guests, and when we do, that might be fun for you." "Oh, psh." "Anyway, Chester, I know how proud you are, and I know that you would never accept charity, so I've decided to let you pay rent." "Rent?" "Well, of course, if you don't want to pay rent, or if you can't pay rent, you can work it off by cleaning the pool or doing a little gardening." "Gardening?" "Uh-huh." "You mean digging?" "In dirt?" "Dirt digging?" "That's it." "You really mean this, don't you, Jess?" "Yes, Chester." "Very well, Jess." "I hate sleeping alone." "I'm scared to sleep alone." "I don't wanna be alone." "Chester." "Right, right." "I'm fine." "I'm fine." "I'll get my things tomorrow." "I'm fine." "Things will never be the same, will they?" "No... dear Chester, they won't." "Want to sleep over?" "Chester." "Sure?" "Chester." "CHESTER:" "Goodnight." "[♪]" "ANNOUNCER:" "Since Jessica has exiled Chester to the pool house, will he go crazy with grief, or buy a nice pair of swim trunks?" "Will Leslie try to kill Billy again, or will Saunders stop her by killing her first?" "Now that Mary has received the porno pictures of Burt with six naked ladies, what will she do?" "Frame them?" "And what will Jodie do now that he knows the law can't help him find his kidnapped baby?" "These questions and many others will be answered in the next episode of Soap." "[♪]"