"(HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRR)" "WOMAN:" "The Romans built houses with stone and tiled roofs." "What we're excavating here is a large house or villa." "If you look down there, you can see that we've uncovered a mosaic floor." "What's that?" "LOVEJOY:" "The Inland Revenue SWAT team." "Burn the books, Beth." "Buyers." "They've been coming in droves since the bank dropped the asking price." "First ones in a helicopter, mind." "Can't be good for the copper beech." "Hello." " You the gardener?" " Excuse me?" " Or are you just stealing apples?" " I live in the barn." " What?" " I run my business from there." "Antiques." "Really?" "Well, if I buy this place, I might need a few of those." "Sort of house that needs antiques." "LOVEJOY:" "Needs a bit more than that!" "Don't suppose the agent's told you about the rising damp, asbestos, ghosts..." "I am the agent and that's absolute nonsense!" "I'll show you round, Mr Addey." "Watch out for the killer bees." "Definitely not squire material." "Come back, Charlie Gimbert, all is forgiven." "Truth is, I don't want to see Felsham Hall sold at all." "I remember all the times I spent here with Tinker and Janey and Eric." "Sometimes the past is a safer place to be." "(INAUDIBLE)" "TINKER:" "I still think my pub needs a new sign." "Have you thought of anything?" "It's hard to come up with something inspiring with a pilchard in it." "It was a smugglers' inn." "What about a pilchard with an eye-patch?" "Pay no attention to him." "He's not going anywhere." "I'm seriously considering it, Lovejoy." "I've come to the end of the road in this game." "Tired feet, tired liver." " You're a barker." "Barkers don't retire." " Ronnie Barker did." "And what did he do?" "He opened an antique shop." ""Tis nature's law to change." "Constancy alone is strange."" "Did you go to a Chinese restaurant last night?" "It's the Earl of Rochester." "Sounds like an excuse for cheating on his wife." "I know we've been together for many years, but if I leave, you're going to need a new partner." "And I don't just mean somebody who can help you in this nefarious business." "I mean someone who can give you something I never could..." "like sex." "What?" "!" "He means Charlotte." "Coffee in the lounge, I think." "Darling, would you like to see about drinks?" "Shall I open some more vino or would anyone like a brandy?" "I'll stick with the port." "I'll stick with Sam." "Charlotte?" "Er... no." "No, thank you." "It appears that I'm the designated driver." "So what's happening, Lovejoy?" "Oh, you know, Sam." "A day too late, a dollar short." "I hear Tinker's leaving." " You'll miss him." " Yeah." "Charlotte's been offered this job in New York." "Didn't she tell you?" "Must've slipped her mind." "That's surprising, isn't it, considering your situation?" "SAM:" "Drop me off here, Charlotte." "I need a breath of fresh air." "You can take Lovejoy back." "See you in the morning." " Good night, Sam." " Good night." "Were you ever going to mention it or was I simply gonna get a postcard marked "Manhattan" one day?" "Did my father mention this?" "I'm sick of him poking his nose into my affairs." "If you're thinking about a job 3,000 miles away, it says something about us, don't you think?" "I'm ambitious, Lovejoy." "You've always known that." "I wasn't looking for a heavy, emotional relationship." "Anyone there?" "(SLIGHT RUSTLING)" "(OWL HOOTS)" "Hello." "We're great together." "We were mutually attracted." "We like the same people, we like the same things..." "We had sex." "Yes, we had sex." "We've tap-danced around each other long enough, Charlotte." "Maybe we should just get married." " (CAR HORN BLARES)" " Careful." " (SCRAPING)" " Hello there." "Anyone about?" "What's going on?" "I think I need to sleep on this." "I think you need to too, don't you?" "(PHONE RINGS)" "What?" "Oh, Charlotte, I thought we were going to sleep on this." "Huh?" "I'm on my way." " Is he all right?" " They don't know yet." "So what happened?" "When I got back home, he wasn't there." "Obviously, I was worried, so I went to where we dropped him off." "The gate to the dig was open." "I heard this terrible moaning." "Sounds like a fall." "He didn't fall!" "He was attacked." "Who would do a thing like that?" "Night hawks." "Of course it's a fake." "It's by Giovanni Bastianini, the greatest terracotta-faker in the world." "MAN:" "I want my money back!" "No, you can't have your money back." "It's worth more than the originals." "Not only do people not appreciate a genuine antique, they don't appreciate a genuine fake." "Don't take any prisoners on the phone do you, eh?" "I had a good teacher, didn't I?" "Tink'll have to do this sale on his own." "I've got to see Sam in hospital." " How is he?" " He's conscious." "Don't forget you've got to go to the bank." "Bank?" "You've an appointment at 12 with Mr Brolly, or have you forgotten?" "Have you also forgotten that I have the afternoon off?" "No." "You didn't tell me where you were going, did you?" "No, I didn't." "I tell you one thing - they weren't kids." "They were big fellas, and they were in a car." "Did you get a good look at it?" "No, not really." "All I remember is, it had a towing hook on the back." "I remember that cos I banged my knee on it." "You know, one of those hooks that you pull horseboxes and boats." "We'll get 'em, Sam." "You can see the problem." "We can't afford full-time security, but we're getting lights put in." "I've had problems with night hawks before." "They vandalised the last dig I was doing near Bedford." "So these people find out where the legitimate digs are and then they move in at night and plunder them?" "Yeah, and they do such damage." "We fine-tooth-comb everything and they move in with pickaxes and metal detectors." "At least your father made them leave in a hurry." "They left these behind." " Something to show the police." " Police aren't much help." " Charlotte!" "Anything happening?" " They left these behind." "Stick 'em in the back." "I'll check 'em out." "Hi." "Oh, Lovejoy, this is Professor Lowry." " Professor." " Hello." " Why so smart?" " Oh, a bank appointment." "Is this connected with the proposal?" "Money for the engagement ring, a honeymoon in the Azores?" "I'm late." "Can we talk about this some other time?" "Professor, nice meeting you." "Excuse me." "Brolly, eh?" "That's a fortunate name for a bank manager." "It suggests the shelter of your financial protection from the problems that rain down on us." "You seem to have had a fair measure of protection from my predecessor." "Oh, yes, Mr Oxdale." "Dealt with him for years." "Where is he?" "Barry had a drinking problem, between ourselves." "Got a bit sloppy." "Allowed a few things to slide that he shouldn't have." "Is this about my overdraft?" "Never mind that for the moment." "What was the name of your previous landlord at Felsham Hall?" "Charlie Gimbert." "Gimbert." "Right." "And since Mr Gimbert has disappeared into the great blue yonder, the bank has owned the house, and I understand the agreement allows you to stay on as tenant at the same rent." "In the barn." "What?" "I don't live in Felsham Hall." "I live in the barn." "I don't care if you live in the tool shed, you haven't paid any rent for seven months." "You all right?" "This damn knee keeps stiffening up." " Oh, gardening accident?" " Rugby." "Not my game." "Wrong shaped ball." "The bank want to see the back rent and they want you out of there by the end of the month." "I was to stay till it was sold." "That's always been the deal." "There's been a firm offer." "I hope it's not from that bloke who landed yesterday in the helicopter and turned the copper beech into a bonsai tree?" " What's have you got against Mr Addey?" " He's just not the type." "Felsham Hall is a Grade Two Star Queen Anne home." "It deserves better." "The bank is not emotionally attached to the house, and by the end of the month, nor will you be." " Here you go, Tinker." " Thanks, Polly." " Hello, Lovejoy." " Same again." " Got your tickets for the dance yet?" " Unfortunately, yes." "I went to the sale at that house outside of Tottenham." "Tell me you got something we can sell." "I put a deposit on a tripod table with beautiful pie-crust edging." "Oh, and I bought these." "They're from a young man named John to Lady Clare when she lived there in the 1840s." "He appears smitten but evasive." "But they're very charming and we can afford them." "(SIGHS)" " What's the matter?" " Oh, ta." "You look down in the mouth." "Remember Herman Kahn?" "French polisher outside Dunmow?" "Another Herman Kahn." "An enormous bloke who wrote a book about the nuclear holocaust called Thinking About The Unthinkable." "That's what I've been doing lately - thinking about the unthinkable." "You're not gonna settle with the income tax?" "No." "You've been thinking about going off and running a pub," "Beth wants to better herself," "I might lose the business..." "So last night, I proposed to Charlotte." "I'm sorry?" "I said I proposed to Charlotte last night." " Proposed what?" " What do you think, you pillock?" " My God!" " Exactly." "You could honeymoon at the Pilchard Inn!" "I'd give you a really good rate." "Tink!" "(WHISPERS) Sorry." "She hasn't even given me an answer yet." "Are you frightened she'll say no?" "You're worried she'll say yes." "I wish you well, House." "I wish you a tenant who never installs a work-out room, a recording studio or a Jacuzzi." "I wish you a family with children and golden Labradors who like log fires and lovely antiques." "Maybe it's just as well I'm moving on, eh?" "Got too many memories invested in this place, too many ghosts." "BETH:" "Lovejoy!" "What are you doing here?" "Talking to myself." "What's it look like?" "Listen, I've got some news for you, if you're interested." "Go on." " I've got it!" " Got what?" "I didn't think I stood the remotest chance, but I got it." "You've got what?" "The Fitzwilliam Museum in Cambridge, they're gonna take me on in their Book and Manuscript Department." " You've got another job?" " You knew I was looking." "You trained me." "I owe it all to you." "What's wrong?" "Oh, nothing, kid." "I'm very happy for you." "Fitzwilliam Museum, eh?" "I'm very, very proud of you." "(CAR HORN HONKS)" "Probably another would-be buyer." "Guess I'm just allergic to change." "Lovejoy!" "Hello." "This is just like the old barn you used to have when we first met." " Do you remember?" " Mm-hm." "I can't get over you driving up just like that." "I got a bit of a shock when I saw you two embracing on the lawn." "Oh, not in that way." "I'm just the dogsbody, dishwasher and unpaid slave." "Oh, not for me, thanks, Beth." "I'm on my way to lunch with my sister and I'm late." "She told me the house was for sale." "I just couldn't resist taking a look." "You really thinking of buying it?" "The asking price is tempting." "It's in better shape than when you left." "Before Charlie went belly up, he did quite a few things including state-of-the-art central heating." " Well, it's a big decision." " It's the right one, though, Janey." "I think it's karma, don't you, Beth, eh?" "If you don't buy it, some bank robber or Hong Kong heroin dealer will." " I really must go." " You can't!" "I mean, how are you?" "Where have you been?" "What have you been up to?" "I'm here for a while." "Let's have lunch and a really good natter." " Bye, Beth." "Nice to meet you." " Nice to meet you, Lady Felsham." " You've changed your hair." " Have I?" " Mm." " It's a little longer possibly." "Don't you like it?" "Yeah, but I liked it the way it was before." "I'll give you a call." "You like everything the way it was before." "You've got Barbra Streisand and a 100-piece orchestra in your head singing The Way We Were." "Haven't you got something to do before you leave me?" "Syd!" "Syd!" "(SHOUTING) Syd!" "Lovejoy, blow me!" "Your wife said I'd find you here." "She should've given you some decent gear." "No, thanks." "In the fashion stakes, you're on a par with train spotters." "Train spotters are nerds." "We're explorers." "Silent scholars of the past." " Did you find anything?" " Belt buckle." "Not very old, though." "This clay pipe's nice." "It's been in the ground a bit, mind." "You see how small that bowl is." "That goes back to when tobacco was scarce." "Ever come across any night hawks?" "They're rather specialised." "You'd get a better price from a private buyer." "We can't afford the luxury." "We need them in Tuesday's auction." "Tinker!" "Jane!" "You warm the cockles of this cold, old heart." "How are you?" "Oh, I'm terribly well." "So good to see you!" "Oh, I don't believe you've met." "Lady Jane Felsham, this is Charlotte Cavendish." " Hello." " Hello." " Charlotte runs the business." " Really?" "I miss this place and all my old chums." "You must know Lovejoy." "Yes." "If we were to go to the White Swan, we might surprise him." "He's just popped in there for a drink." " I saw him yesterday." " Really?" "I'm surprised he didn't mention it." "I'm going to browse." "Come on, Tink." "Find me a bargain." " Is that her?" " Yes." "Not what I expected." "I thought she'd be one of those countrified Sloanes who yomp around Suffolk in green wellies with a bad haircut." "That's a designer suit." "She didn't get those shoes in Bury St Edmunds either." "She's already seen Lovejoy." "They're very old friends." "You mustn't think her return affects your situation." "What situation is that?" "No idea at all." "Now, when I find something," "I like to think of the last person who ever laid hands on it." "Connects me to 'em." "If it's a few hundred years ago, it gets me here." " Night hawks don't think like that." " No." " They did that site over at Wenham." " I know." "There's a few teams about." "Some of them are local, some from London." "It's like a network, isn't it?" "From what I hear, one guy fences everything overseas." "Anyway, they left this behind, Syd, and I want you to show it around." "Find out who sold it, who bought it, whatever." "It's a bit of a long shot." "It's not an everyday item, is it, Syd?" "It's not my line." ""My dearest Clare, I was much troubled" ""during the journey to Venice," ""not by the vicissitudes of foreign travel," ""but by the manner of our parting." ""I fear that in my regard for you," ""I raised false expectations which I know, by my nature," ""I'm incapable of gratifying..."" "Cold feet." "Did a runner." "Hmm. "I know no man, sweet Clare, who would not covet" ""the warmth of your affection." ""If blame is to be attached," ""it lies in my own intolerable vacillation and uncertainty..."" "This sounds like someone who proposed, got cold feet and piddled off to Italy." " Is it giving you ideas?" " Why would you say that?" "I met Jane Felsham today." "Hm." "She's rather nice." "Yes, she's an old and valued friend." "Really?" "I always had the feeling she was the love of your life." "So... her being here does make a difference." "A difference to what you asked me the other night." "You never gave me an answer." "I'm terribly sorry, Charlotte, but we're running late." "Organising committee for the dance." "I'll, er... see you outside?" "Mm-hm." "I'll give you an answer when I'm sure you mean the question." "LOVEJOY: "My dearest Clare, I fear that in my regard for you" ""I raised false expectations..."" "Lovejoy..." ""...which I know by my nature I am incapable of gratifying." ""I know no man, sweet Clare..."" "Sweet Charlotte, sweet Jane..." "Lovejoy, I think I've noticed something." "Yeah?" "This handwriting is different from the letters." " I think it's Clare's." " Hm?" "A poem she copied out." ""Trust thou thy Love:" "If she be proud..." ""...is she not sweet?" That's Ruskin, I think." " What?" " John Ruskin, 19th-century English poet." "Keep on reading." ""Bosomed deep among the loitering banks," ""As if, enamoured of the scene, For a livelong summer day" ""Should here relax that angry frown and soothe to slumber lay her down" ""Amid the vine-clad banks."" " That's definitely Ruskin." "What year?" " 1845." "That's about right." "Where's it from?" "Pensione Seguso, Venezia." "Here it is." "Venice." "Part of his "momentous tour to Italy"." "And then... six years later, he got married, but not to our Clare." "So what are you saying?" "I'm saying that the "John" in these letters could be John Ruskin." "Get these over to your friends at Fitzwilliam." "Get a sample of Ruskin's handwriting." "If they match, we're in clover, kid." "So, feeling better, are you?" "Oh, yeah." "Would you like to order now, sir, or wait for the lady?" "No, I'll wait." "I'm sure she won't be long." "Certainly, sir." "Oh, Lovejoy, I'm terribly sorry." "I've broken down." " I could always..." " No, you can't come to get me." "I've got to wait for the AA." "I can't just leave my sister's car." "On, Janey, I was really looking forward to seeing you and having a chat." "I know." "Me too, but I'll see you at the dance tonight, won't I?" "Mm." "America's the biggest market, but the problem is getting the stuff over there." "Amsterdam pays less, but it's much safer." "Lovejoy?" "Things looking up?" "Wouldn't have thought Le Manoir would have been your watering hole." "Nor yours, Brolly." "I thought you bank types usually went to The Pizzeria in Market Street." "We've met, have we?" "Yeah, at Felsham Hall." "You thought I was nicking apples." "I don't think our friend over there wants me to buy that house." "You will leave him without a roof over his head." "Maybe I could offer him something." "He could accompany my wife around the countryside, picking out armchairs." "You haven't closed the sale yet, have you, Brolly?" "I may have another customer for you." "Lady Felsham." " Lady Felsham?" " Who's this?" "She was married to the original owner." "The Felshams have owned it for over 300 years." "I don't much care if they've been there since Boadicea." "If I want that place, I'll buy it!" "How's the Montrachet?" "The Montrachet's weighty but crisp." "Well, maybe we'll try one." "Tell you what, try this one!" "(♪ Achey Breaky Heart)" "Care to dance, Tink?" "I thought you'd never ask." "Who did Janey come with?" "I think it's her solicitor and his wife." "Looks good, though, doesn't she?" " So does Charlotte." " Hm?" "Fancy a real drink?" "Oh, I'm glad to be out of there for five minutes." "This is my most unfavourite night of the year." "Every dealer, divvy, faker, forger, barker, door-knocker and cloth-jobber we've ever known, all in one room at the same time, wearing bow ties." "Eugh!" " Well, it may be my last." " Hm?" "The pub need an answer by tomorrow." "Ah." "Oh, it's about time, Lovejoy, before I become an antique myself." "You could always join the band." "I had the weirdest dream last night." "Hm?" "No, really." "I..." "I dreamt I was Lot 52 at an auction and couldn't even make my own reserve." "Oh, Tink!" "Oh!" "(ROWDY BANTER)" "Do you really see yourself dealing with rowdys and hoorays like that every night?" "Um..." "What's that scarf?" "Local rugby club." "Old Corinthians." "CHARLOTTE:" "Does Lovejoy know about this?" "Nobody does, well, except my sister and now you." "From what I hear, you're sort of involved with Lovejoy." "Yes." "Well, I don't know what you've heard, but we never were." "Oh, involved." " Really?" " Not in the way people thought we were." "As everyone assumed we were lovers, we might as well have been." "But I was married at the time." "I'm rather old-fashioned about those sort of things." "The trouble with women like us is we think we can change people like Lovejoy." "I used to find ignoring him was the easiest way to upset him." "Oh, yes." "Drives him crazy." " Cos he's so self-centred." " Oh, he's quite vain." "God, yes." "Can't pass a mirror." "I think it's time I broke you two up." "Would one of you care to dance?" "You can't tango, Lovejoy." "He can, actually." "Is that steam coming out of their noses?" "The tango was outlawed in Argentina for years, for its sexually explicit nature." "I think, after tonight, it'll be outlawed in East Anglia." "Syd!" "Syd!" "Hello, me old mate!" "There's a nice bit of copper on the roof." "Thanks very much, Syd, but I'm not that desperate." "Not yet anyway." "What's up?" "I got the message." "I had a bit of luck." "I showed your metal detector to a guy in Cambridge." "He rang a dealer in Norwich, gave him the serial number." "Turns out he remembers selling it to a bloke called Brolly." "MAN:" "Back and hold." "In low." "Up!" "Last couple." "OK, boys." "In you go." "How's it going?" "All right?" "There's a bloke over there, looking for you." " Get the beers in." " OK, no problem." "All right." "What's all this about?" " Very impressive." " Thank you." "Take a look at this." "A kid found it with a metal detector." " Valuable?" " Worth about 80 quid." "That's not gonna help your overdraft." "No, listen, I've a proposition to put to you." "I know where I can find a lot more of 'em." "You got those beers in yet?" "Listen, five minutes of your time." "This is gold, right?" "It's Henry II." "This was worth a fortune in those days." "Enough to feed a family for six months." "So?" "So you didn't lose something like this, right?" "If you did, the whole parish looked for it." "Where's this leading?" "There's got to be a horde of them." "It could be a find like that Roman one a couple of years ago." "Remember?" "What did it come to?" "1.75 million." " Do you know where the kid found them?" " Yeah, exactly." " You know that dig near Wenham?" " I've driven past it." "Yeah, well, it's in that same field." "It's in the north-east corner where the wall meets the road right now." "I was thinking, if the bank could stake me for some proper equipment..." "I'll tell you what." "Come and see me in the bank on Monday morning." "I'll see what I can do." "Great." "If you know who owned it, why don't you tell the police?" "Might wriggle out of it." "He could say that it had been stolen from his garage or his car." "We've got our lights in now, so it's not likely to happen again." " (METAL DETECTOR BEEPS)" " There!" "What's that?" " Take this." " Where's the shovel?" "Come here." "Go on, mate." "(METAL DETECTOR BEEPS)" " What's that?" "Yes, it's there." " Come on, give us it here." "There it is." "There's something there." " There it is!" " Bingo!" "(CLINK OF METAL)" "Watch out!" "Watch out!" "Watch out!" "Come on." "This way!" "SYD:" "Oi, you!" "Don't even think about it." "Evening, Mr Brolly." " Tea and biscuits?" " No!" "You found your own buyers?" "Don't be cynical." "Some people won't be very happy about this." "I'm just a small cog in a very big wheel." "That's not my problem, Jeffrey." "Mine is the back rent." "It's forgotten." "And I don't want Addey buying the house." "That's out of my hands." "There's been a better offer?" "Is there anything else?" "My overdraft." "Your scarf." "I always thought these night hawks were tearaways or kids on the dole, and all the time it's the bank manager and his mates from the rugby club." "I said you wouldn't prosecute providing they gave us all the stuff they'd nicked recently." "Where do they keep it?" " In his bank!" " Hah!" ""How beautiful upon the mountain" ""are the feet of she that bringeth good news."" " Ruskin?" " Ruskin." " Confirmed." " Yes!" "Yes." "I've got a signed authentication from the curator of the Fitzwilliam." "Oh, that's great, Beth." "There you go, Sam." "Give that to Charlotte." "Tell her we'll stick the letters in tomorrow's auction." "Right." "So, you nailed the shite hawks, then?" "Actually, it's night hawks, Beth, but on the other hand..." "I'm sorry about lunch yesterday." "BOTH:" "It's really..." " Go on." " No." "I was just going to say how wonderful it is to see you." "Funny." "I was going to say exactly the same thing." "And I wanted to tell you that I'm not buying the house." "Oh?" "I know how much you want me to." "You want me back there as Lady Felsham." "And we'd be up to our old games, finding antiques in out-of-the-way places..." "What's wrong with that?" "It's the past." "What's wrong with the past?" "Nice place to be." "It included Tinker and Eric, you and me." "All those memories." "It wouldn't be fair to Robert." "Robert?" "We met in America, but he wants to come back to England and so do I." "He produces plays." "A totally different world, really." "Anyway, we're getting married." "Quite soon, actually." "So I suppose it makes more sense to live in London." "Wow!" "I've thought about you so much since you left and most of what I've thought about is..." "is wasted opportunities." "The chances that don't come round again." "After all, you and I were almost..." "We were always "almost", Lovejoy." "There must be a reason for that." "You'd make a good team, you and Charlotte." "She told me last night and I told her about Robert." "You threw me a real curve, coming back." "I know." "Be happy, Jane." "You too." "Lot number 43, ladies and gentlemen." "A series of love letters written to Lady Clare Hemphill between 1845 and 1847." "It's established that the author is John Ruskin," "Victorian art dealer and social theorist." "This is an extremely exciting discovery." "Who'll start the bidding at £6,000?" "Do I have 6,000 anywhere?" "5,000, then?" "5,000." "Thank you, sir. 5,500?" "5,500." "And six?" "6,000. 6,500?" "Do I have 6,500 anywhere?" "All right, then. 250?" "6,250." "And five." "And 750." "And 7,000?" "£7,000." "Thank you." "And 250?" "And 500?" "(WHISPERING) Ruskin's going through the roof." "Do I have £7,750?" "Thank you." "And 8,000." "LOVEJOY:" "It says, "Cavendish and son"." "Where's the son?" "I'm the daughter." "Boy, oh, boy, that must have taken some doing." "Was your tail rattling as you slid across the floor?" "That's all I am to you, isn't it?" "Another punter." "Well, if that's what you want out of this relationship, fine!" "What you did for Tink, I think it was wonderful." "Think nothing of it." "...Selling these Victorian letters, then, for £8,000." "Going once, going twice..." "Marry me!" "Yes!" "Gone." "(FIZZING)" "Shut up!" "I can't find the roof of my mouth, Tink." "Stag parties at our age are ridiculous." "When I run that pub, Lovejoy, I'm coming off the sauce." "It'd be a pity to drink the first year's profit." "Nelson Mandela's President of South Africa, you're going on the wagon and I'm getting married." " Here's to the three of us." " Huh?" "Yeah." "I've got your best man's present here, Tink." "Close your eyes, please." "Thank you." "This is to say, "Thanks for all the years," ""thanks for being there" ""and thanks for being my best friend."" "You can open them now." " Oh!" " Do you like it?" "Well, you can thank Beth for the artwork and we thought the rank was appropriate." " Oh, dear." " What?" "Well, you know I've always told you I was a major in the Rifles?" "Actually, I was a corporal in the Catering Corps." " I've always known that." " Have you?" " Yeah, you've told me a thousand times." " Have I?" "We thought Corporal Dill wouldn't cut the mustard at the Pilchard Inn." "And what is it you always say about," ""Walk in any pub in England and ask for the Major"?" "You'll get one of two replies." ""He's in the other bar, sir,"" "or, "You've just missed him but he'll be back this evening."" "Oh!" " Janey!" " Eric!" "Oh!" "How lovely!" "Where's the motorbike?" "Oh, I've sold that." "I've gotta look to the future." "Plan ahead." "Like Lovejoy, really." "Pretty wife, Eric." "Oh, well, we're not actually clergified, you know, yet." "Still..." " How old's the baby?" " I'm not really sure." " No, it's not mine, you see." " Oh." "Fiesta's mine, though." "(HORN HONKS)" "Have you got the, er?" "Of course I have." " You getting cold feet?" " Can't tell, Tink." "I don't have any feeling below my knees." "As long as you have feelings above 'em, you'll be all right." "Are you absolutely sure you want to go through with this?" "Absolutely. 100%." "I think." "TINKER: "If there is doubt, where is truth?"" " Earl of Rochester?" " Chinese restaurant." "Excuse me, I think you should've turned left for Felsham Hall." "I know." "(INAUDIBLE)" "I spoke to Dad this morning." "He sounded fine." "It's Lovejoy!" " Yes?" " He's been abducted!" " What?" "!" " Oh, please!" "Oh, you can't still be upset about Felsham Hall!" "What I'm upset about is you took money out of my pocket." "I did?" "What you took from Brolly should've come to me." "Oh, you're the one that fences the stuff overseas." "It's not my principal occupation, but it's important enough for me to get the dead needle when boy scouts like you can't mind their own business." "In!" "(♪ Here Comes The Bride)" "(MUSIC STOPS)" "We all know what's happened." "Let's be grateful it was sooner rather than later." "There's lots of lovely food and champagne across the road, so I suggest we all go over there to celebrate the avoidance of what would obviously have been... a disaster." "There but for the grace of God." " What?" " Oh, nothing, darling." "(INAUDIBLE)" " Where are we going?" " Jersey!" "I'm supposed to be getting married." "I just wanted to ruin your day, Lovejoy." "Addey was really choked when he found that all he could get out of me was a receipt from the British Museum." "Still, bruises don't show." "Charlotte's in New York now." "Beth's in Cambridge." "Tink's in Devon." "And Janey, she's in Hampstead with Roger." "Or is it Robert?" "Anyway, one thing they all taught me..." "You gotta move on." "The past is a foreign country and Lovejoy doesn't live there any more." "Be happy, Jane." "You too."