"Now observe carefully" "( whirrs )" "Well, what you think?" "Amazing." "A laser weapon no larger than the size of a button." " And it also comes in brass." " What's the difference?" "Brass buttons are $4.50 more." "When you told us you had a new laser," "I expected a big heavy piece of equipment." "That's the most amazing weapon CONTROL's ever had." "What's it called?" "Laser Blazer." "Maxwell Smart, Agent 86, will be here any minute to pick the laser up and take it back to Washington." "Now he doesn't know exactly what it is he's to pick up, all he knows is it's some sort of secret weapon." "Then I'd better sew up this change pocket so he doesn't activate the laser accidentally." "I have to be in Manila in an hour, so I'd better go back to the hotel and change into my Manila makeup." "Goodbye, Lin Chan." " Lin Chan?" " At your service." "I'm Maxwell Smart." "I understand from some very special friends in Washington that I can get something here" " that they don't have there." " That is true." "And here it is-- a beautiful blazer." "No no no." "You don't understand, I didn't come here to shop." "I came here to get something big, something very special." "Sir, you take this jacket." "Believe me, you will love it." "Your boss will love it!" "It was made especially to order for you." "I didn't order a jacket." "You don't have to order a jacket!" "That's the way we operate." "When you buy a suit from me, you get a blazer free." "Yes, but I didn't buy a suit from you." "No?" "Then what's that you're wearing?" "Yes, but this-- it's a suit." "You see?" "Now take the blazer and goodbye!" "But I got this suit in Baltimore!" "That doesn't matter." "My suits sell all over the world under different names." "Yes, but this was made by Harry Goldstone." "That's me!" " It is?" " Sure!" "Well, that's funny, you don't look it, Harry." "Here, you take this blazer and have a nice flight back to United States." "All right, Lin Chan, I'll take the jacket, but not in this color." "But that's the only color it come in!" "Oh." "Well, in that case, let me try it on." "You don't have to try it on." "Believe me, it fit perfect!" "There's nothing like making sure." "There, you see?" "Fit perfect!" "What do you mean it fits perfect?" "I haven't even got it on yet." "I am a tailor!" "Take my word for it." "There, what I tell you?" "Perfect!" "Are you kidding me?" "This is long enough to be an overcoat!" "Okay!" "So you got long jacket, or short overcoat." "Take your choice!" "I can't even see my hands!" "Then you don't need gloves!" "Look, why don't I leave this jacket here to be altered, and I'll come back tomorrow and pick it up?" "Tomorrow I ain't gonna be here." "I gonna be in lunatic asylum." "You take the jacket!" "Have it altered in United States." "All right, Lin Chan, I'll take the jacket." "I'll take it in this color and I'll take it without being altered." "But I must have the buttons changed." "The buttons?" "!" "But that is the best part of the blazer!" "You can't get these buttons where you come from!" "Yes, but I don't like these buttons, I want a" "Thank you very much, Lin Chan, for your time and your trouble." "Okay, I got rid of the guy that was following me." "Now where is it?" "Where is it?" "You got it!" "Yes, but don't you have something else for me?" "Yes, this!" "And you tell your friends in Washington" "I don't want to do business with them anymore!" "Look, if you feel that way about it, here, take your jacket back." "Get out!" "Holy kumquat!" "( theme music playing )" "( wheels screech )" "( 99 humming )" "( knocks on door )" "Max!" "99, you're not supposed to open the door" " until I finish the secret knock." " Oh, sorry." "( knocks once )" "Max!" "Oh, I'm so glad you're back!" "How was your trip to Hong Kong?" "The worst, absolutely the worst." "99, I tell you, in all my years as a CONTROL agent this is the most frustrating case that I've ever been on." "I went to this tailor shop in Hong Kong, like the Chief instructed me, but there was a KAOS agent following me." " What happened?" " The tailor pretended that I was a customer who had come to pick up a blazer." "So I took the blazer, I left the tailor's shop and lost the KAOS agent who was following me." "Didn't you go back to the tailor shop?" "The next day, but the tailor was gone." "Couldn't you locate him again?" "They weren't allowing him any visitors." "Well, 99," "I went all the way to Hong Kong to pick up a secret weapon, and I came back with a sports jacket." " Looks like I've messed everything up." " Oh, don't feel badly, Max, you've messed things up before and you'll mess things up again." "You're just saying that to make me feel good." " That's what a wife's for." " You know, coming back on the plane," "I kept saying to myself, "How am I gonna tell the Chief about this?"" "And then I figured it out:" "there's only one way to do it." "I have to go right down to his office, stand right up to him, look him right in the eye-- and lie." "You can tell him the truth!" "Oh." "Why didn't I think of that?" "Besides, you don't have to worry about him today, he's detained in Manila." "He'll be back tomorrow." "Good." "That'll give me a chance to think up a good true story." "Why don't you just relax?" "I have to finish vacuuming." "I wanna get the house all cleaned up before the maid gets here." "The maid?" " What maid?" " I've hired a maid." "I found out there just weren't enough hours in the day to be an efficient housewife and a good spy." "But 99, if you've hired a maid, then may I ask what you're doing cleaning up the apartment?" "If she comes and finds the apartment a mess, she might not want the job." "99, we can't have a maid here." "It's not safe!" "We just won't leave any top-secret information lying around." "It's not that that I'm worried about, 99, it's the liquor that I'm worried about." "Oh, Max, you don't have to worry" "I got her from the CONTROL employment agency." "That does it!" "You know how that bunch drinks!" "Oh, Max, please." "I'm sorry, 99, but we can't afford a maid." "Yes, we can afford it." "We're both working." "You don't understand." "There's been a cutback at CONTROL." "From now on, all CONTROL agents have to pay for their guns, knives and ammunition out of their own personal pockets." " That won't amount to much." " Why not?" "Because both KAOS and CONTROL have agreed to cut down on violence." " ( doorbell rings )" " That must be her now." "Please please, can't we keep her?" "No, we cannot, 99." "I'm sorry, but we cannot afford a maid." "And that is final!" "I'm going to tell her that right now." "( Swedish accent ) How do you do?" "I'm Ingrid your maid." " ( Max groans )" " I'm terribly sorry to be late." "Oh!" "Come right in, Ingrid." "We were beginning to get worried about you." " Hello, I'm Mrs. Smart." " Ingrid." " Could I help you with your bag?" " Oh, thank you." "I hope you'll be pleased with the way I clean." "Oh, I'm sure I will be." " Where can I hang this?" " There's a closet, right over there." "Oh." "I'll take that, thank you." "She's very beautiful, Max." "When you've seen one maid, you've seen them all, 99." "She has an absolutely gorgeous figure!" " I didn't notice." " Her legs are a little heavy." "I didn't think so." "I'll change to my uniform now." " I'll help you." " Max!" "Oh-- what I meant, 99, was that I just wanted to take Ingrid upstairs and show her a place where she could change into her uniform." " Oh, I'll show her." "Come on!" " Yeah!" "It's right up there, the second door to the right." "Thank you, Mrs. Smart." "Now tell me about your trip, Max." "What trip?" "( yelps )" "That trip-- yes, I'm fine, thank" "I mean it was fine." "It was a fine trip, great trip." "Why don't you try on your new blazer while I get us some coffee?" "Right, 99." "I'm afraid that this jacket doesn't fit too good, 99." "I may have to have it altered." "99:" "Put it on anyway." "Let's see how it looks." "Oh, that's a lovely blazer, Max." "It needs to be shortened, but it looks good on you." " You really like it?" " You look very handsome." "They forgot to unstitch the change pocket." "Oh, here." "Use this knife to cut it open." "( whirrs )" "Let me see the back." "Oh, that fits well." "( whirrs )" "How about some coffee?" "That's funny-- I forgot to bring the coffeepot." "( phone ringing )" "That's funny, I can't find the coffeepot anywhere." "You think that's funny?" "I can't find the phone!" "Max, what happened to the table lamp?" "What happened to my suitcase?" "There's something very strange going on here." "99, I think we'd better keep a very close eye on that maid." "KAOS Incorporated, this is Ingrid here." "I have the job and will find the miniature laser weapon as soon as possible." "I search the apartment from top to bottom, and if necessary" "Maxwell Smart." "Ingrid, what are you doing?" "Good morning, Mrs. Smart." "I am getting familiar with the apartment, trying to find out where everything is." "Oh." "I wish I knew where everything was." "You haven't seen the coffeepot, by any chance?" "No no, but I'll be happy to turn the place inside out to find it." " Thank you." " ( knocks on door )" "Buon giorno, Mrs. Smart." "Good morning, Mr. Antonelli." "How are you today?" "Eh-- not too good." "Business is just awful." "Awful!" "I'm sorry to hear that." "Here." "These have to be cleaned and pressed." "And Mr. Smart's blazer gets shortened right up to where the pin is." "Next week'll be fine." "I bring 'em back the end of this week." "Next week I'll be closed on account of the fire." "Did you have a fire?" "I'm gonna have a fire." "Ingrid, I'm going out shopping." "I'll be back in a few hours." "Very good, Mrs. Smart." "Morning, Ingrid." "What are you doing?" "I was looking for the coffeepot that disappeared yesterday." "Oh yes." "Well, don't bother, it's probably cold by now." "Listen, Ingrid, I have an awful lot of work to do here, so if you don't mind, I'd appreciate it if you just leave your" "Oh!" "What beautiful material." "Mmm!" "Would you like to feel the lining?" "Listen, Ingrid, why don't you-- gee, this is awfully heavy." "It feels like it's got a weight in" "Oh, Mr. Smart, do you know, you are extremely attractive?" "Oh, well, I wouldn't say that." "Oh, you're very handsome." "That, I would say, yes." "And your eyes, so big, so brown, so beautiful." "Yes, well, sometimes... they're bigger than at other times!" "Are you all right, Mr. Smart?" "Yes, I'm fine." "Never felt better in my life." "You might have pulled something and not know it." "Oh, I don't think so, I feel pretty good." "How about a massage, make you feel better?" " ( stammering ) A massage?" " Yes!" "( chuckles )" "A nice old-fashioned Swedish massage," "Wouldn't you like a massage?" "Yes, well, I-- I just got married, Ingrid!" "I can't have a massage!" "Maybe in six months I could." "( doorbell chimes )" " There's somebody at the door." " Yes, I'm busy!" " Yes, well I'm not!" " Oh no, don't go away!" "Chief:" "Max!" "Oh, hi, Chief!" "This is Ingrid our massage." "She's giving me a maid-- uh, she's a maid!" "How do you do, sir?" "I think I'd better explain to you what actually happened over there." "I lost a cufflink in the couch and Ingrid was helping me look for it." "Would you believe a tie clasp?" "I never saw anybody look for a tie clasp like that, Max." "Yes well, that's the Swedish way, Chief." "And believe me, it's gonna take the country by storm." "I'll fix something for you." "Toast and coffee?" "You wanted to see me about something, Chief?" " Chief!" " Hmm?" "Oh--!" "Max, you and 99 deal in top-security information." "It may not be safe having a maid." "Look, I've been an experienced CONTROL agent for a long time, and I know when somebody is all right." "Now I've had my eye on that girl every hour of every day, every day of every week, and I'm telling you that she's okay." "I know her inside out!" " When did you hire her?" " Yesterday." " Max!" " Look, what are you worried about?" "She was hired by the CONTROL employment agency." "Max, help is hard to get." "The CONTROL employment agency has lowered its clearance standards." "I don't even have a maid anymore." "What happened to that girl that was working for you?" "Remember Christmas Eve at my apartment when she decorated the tree?" "Oh, yeah, that was a great tree-- with all those colored lights." "I loved it." "The red and blue lights going on and off, I loved that tree." "Those lights were blinking top secret information to a Russian fishing trawler anchored off the coast." "You're kidding!" "That's fantastic-- how did you find out about it?" "I became suspicious when a bulb burned out." "Why did that make you suspicious?" "A Russian sailor showed up to replace it." "Chief, are you trying to tell me that KAOS put this girl through the CONTROL employment agency?" "Exactly!" "Then she may be a double maid!" "Right!" "Excuse me, gentlemen, here is your toast and coffee." "I think you're wrong about her." " Did you take a good look?" " Yes." "Now I ask you-- are those the legs of a KAOS agent?" "If you want anything, please call." "I just want you to keep your eyes on her." "Don't worry, I haven't taken them off her yet." "Let's have some coffee, Max." "You did a great job in Hong Kong." "Congratulations." "Thanks, Chief." " Let's see it." " See what?" "The blazer you brought back from Hong Kong." "The blazer I brought back from Hong Kong?" "That blazer is the secret weapon you were sent to Hong Kong for." "That blazer is the secret weapon" "I was sent to Hong Kong for?" " That's no ordinary blazer!" " That's no ordinary blazer?" " It's a laser blazer!" " It's a laser blazer?" "Do you know what you're saying?" "I'm positive." "I keep hearing it twice!" "How do you like that?" "A laser blazer!" "The button of that blazer is actually a miniature laser." "It's activated by placing your hand in the change pocket." "If you press down hard enough, you can destroy an entire city." " So that's what happened!" " Let's have the blazer and we'll take it to headquarters." " Ingrid!" " Yes, sir?" "Would you get me my blazer, the one I brought back from Hong Kong?" "The cleaners picked it up just a little while ago." "Come on, Max!" "Chief:" "That blazer is the secret weapon you were sent to Hong Kong for." "Max:" "That blazer is the secret weapon" "I was sent to Hong Kong for?" " That's no ordinary blazer!" " That's no ordinary blazer?" "Chief:" "It's a laser blazer!" "The button of that blazer is actually a miniature laser..." "KAOS, I've discovered where the laser is." "Go at once to Antonelli Cleaners." "But, Mr. Smart, I don't know what happened." "I was going through all the pockets, like I always do." "But when I put my hand in your blazer change pocket, look!" "And what's worse, it burned a hole right though my pressing machine!" "Poor Mario!" " Who's Mario?" " Mario is his presser." "Mario was my presser." "This may come as a surprise to you, Mr. Antonelli, but that jacket was no ordinary jacket." "Now he tells me." "Look, what's so special about this jacket of yours" " everybody wants it so much?" " What do you mean "everybody"?" "There were two other fellas in here asking for it." "KAOS!" "They must have found out about it." "You didn't give it to them, did you?" "Why would I give your jacket to two strangers I never see before?" "Especially when they're not even customers!" "Anyway, I just sent it down the street to Morgan's Cleaners" " to have it pressed for you." " come on, Max!" "Mr. Antonelli, you've done a great service for your country!" "The President of the United States will probably give you a medal for this!" "I rather have the cash!" "But when I was going through the pockets of your jacket, Mr. Smart," "I thought I felt a draft." "So I turned around" "Max:" "Where is the jacket now?" "Cleaner:" "Like I told the other gentlemen that were here," "I sent it to Perfect Cleaners around the corner." "There it is, Chief." "But I think we're too late." "( car horn honks )" "Max, the cleaning truck just pulled up behind us." "See what you can find out." "And hurry!" "Hurry it up, Max." "Max!" "Max, will you come on?" " What'd you find out?" " Plenty!" "Wait till you hear this." "Not only do you get shirts on a hanger for 60¢, but they got a one-day special" " on tablecloths and drapes and rugs" " Max" " Max!" " What about the blazer?" "!" " They sent that to my apartment." "You go to your apartment, and I'll call headquarters and meet you there." "No matter what happens, don't stop for anything!" "Red lights, anything!" "Go ahead!" "( tires screech )" "( crashes )" "KAOS, this is Ingrid." "A blazer was just delivered, but it's the wrong one." "I'm going down to the cleaners to get the right one." "Is that you, Max?" "Max!" " 99?" " Oh, hi, Max." "Oh, good." "Did the cleaners deliver my blazer?" "Yes, it's right there on the sofa." "Good." "Listen, I've gotta get this down to headquarters right away." "By the way," " did you have a fight with Ingrid?" " No, why?" "I just passed her in the hall and she took a swing at me." "That's strange." "I'm going to take a shower, Max." "I'll have your dinner ready when you get back." "Bye!" "Okay, I'll see you later." "I'll take that jacket, Mr. Smart." "You don't want this jacket." "It clashes with your slacks!" " Hand it over." " Do you know what's in this jacket?" "A miniature laser beam." "It destroys anything it hits." " Do you know what activates it?" " By putting your hand" " in the change pocket." " All right, don't anybody move." " You wouldn't dare." " Wouldn't I?" "Eh, you fellas aren't in a hurry, are you?" "Get the jacket!" " Hold it!" " Sorry, Mr. Smart," "I didn't know you had company." "I delivered the wrong jacket before." "This one's yours." " I'll take that." " Why don't you give the kid a tip?" "There's a quarter in the change pocket." "( whirrs )" "All right, dummy!" "Let's see how tough you are without a gun in your hand!" "Listen-- I hope I wasn't out of line with that crack about "dummy."" "Don't anybody move!" "I can't find the quarter." "Maybe it's caught in the lining." "All:" "No!" "Doesn't seem to be a hole in the lining, Mr. Sm" "Max, I'm sorry about your apartment." "Gee, Chief!" "I never knew we had such a wonderful view on that side of the apartment." "Don't worry." "CONTROL will replace everything that's been destroyed." "What about the Second National Bank?" "What about the Second National Bank?" "It used to be across the street." "( theme music playing )"