"Guys, guys!" "How loud do you need that?" "Come on." "That's old-man volume." "Hey." "Hey, where are the batteries?" "Ally put them in her CD player." "Well, uh-- oh, I've gotta do this manually?" "I'm like a caveman now." "Ally!" "Where's Ally?" "You took her over to the Spencers' last night." "I wouldn't have took her if I knew she had my batteries." "Come on." "Where's my batteries?" "Why do we have a thousand packets of ketchup?" "I guess nobody likes ketchup." "All right, you know what?" "This remote stays with me." "I hope you like that channel, 'cause that's the one you're watching for the rest of your life." "Okay." "Ray, I'm..." "Ray?" "We're out of milk, so I'm going to the store." "All right." "Deb, I'm gonna go" "Deb." "Deb, I'm gonna go buy batteries!" "Hey." "Hey." "What are you doing here?" "I'm getting batteries." "Ha ha." "This is funny." " Yeah." " Yeah." "Ha ha." "What are you-- what are you getting?" "Well, everything else." "Hey, you wanna shop with me?" "All right." "Remember that time I put you in the cart," " started pushing you around?" " Oh, yeah." "I picked you up in the hot-babe section." "That wasn't really shopping, that was" "Falling in love." "All right." "Come on, shop with me." "I like having you here." "All right." "Well, get in." " No!" "What are you doing?" " Yeah." "Come on." "We're in the middle of the store." "Price check!" "I need a price check on a piece of cheesecake!" "Put me down-- don't put me in the cart." " Raymond!" " Oh hi, Marie." "Hey." "There's something I can't do." "That's not all you can't do." "So... this is funny-- first Ray, now you guys." "It's kind of like a reunion." "Hey, give me some of that, Dad." "Oh, this is good stuff." "We've got to get some of this." " Okay." "Sure." " Yeah, it's really good." "Where are the kids?" "Oh my God!" "The boys!" "You left them?" "!" "No, y-you did!" "No, you did." "Oh my God!" "Ray, damn it, I told you I was going to the store!" "I told you!" "How could you tell me, when I'm not there?" "Why are you standing here?" "!" "Go go go go go!" "Come on, Frank." "Come on." "Hurry." "Hey, kid, this cereal is good." "Take a handful and put it back." " Michael, Geoffrey!" " Oh, Mike, Geoff." " Oh my God." "Are you okay?" " You're okay." "All right." "You're okay." "This one's okay." " Is he okay?" " Give me that one." "Give me him again." "Give me him again." "Give me him, him." "Oh my God." "They seem okay." "Okay." "Yeah, they're okay." "Oh, it's okay, boys," "Mommy didn't mean to leave you." " Ray!" " What?" "!" "They need reassurance." "Oh, my poor angels." "Oh." "Oh, it's okay." "Oh." "They're okay, Marie." "Oh, I'm never leaving you again." "Marie, they're fine." "They're okay." "You're fine, right, boys?" "Look, Daddy, pancakes." "Shaped like bunnies." "You made pancakes?" "!" "Oh my God!" "They could've burned the house down." "Who told you you could make pancakes?" "!" "I smell pancakes." "Do you know how dangerous it is to be playing with the stove?" "Where are the pancakes?" "You want a pancake, Grandpa?" "What the hell have I been saying here?" "Ally, when did you get here?" "The Spencers dropped me off a little while ago." "So you were alone here with the boys?" "You made the pancakes?" "Yeah." "The boys were hungry, so I fed them." "Oh." "Oh." "Oh well..." "Well, look at everything." "It looks fine." "Well..." "you did a good job." "Well, that's great!" "You're Daddy's big girl, aren't you, honey?" "Give me a pancake." "Give me three pancakes." "I only had a couple left, Grandpa, and they came out kind of ugly." "The stomach knows not ugly." "Aw, Ally, honey, if it wasn't for you" "Your mother could be facing criminal charges." "Not if everybody keeps their mouth shut." "Listen, Marie." "Everything is fine." "It's not what you think." "You think I wanna think these things?" "I don't." "But then I look around, and, uh, huh..." "And every time I look around, you know what I see?" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Try one of these." "Look, it's a bunny." "Hi, I'm a bunny." "Oh, the bottom of a cow, huh?" "Delicious." "I'm done." "Bye." "Come on, Marie." "Make me lunch." " Honey, listen." "I'll get that." " I can do it." "No, honey, you've helped Mommy out enough." "Yes, you have, dear, and thank God for you." "You have learned responsibility and cooking against all odds." "God." "It would have to happen right in front of her." "Yeah." "But if you think about it, everything we do happens right in front of her." "Are we terrible parents?" "Probably." "But you know what?" "I mean, how bad could we be?" "Look." "Look at her." "She did great." "She took care of everything." "We must be doing something right." "We raised a kid who's raising the rest of the kids." "I'm not sure that's how it's supposed to be." " Would you like another pancake, Daddy?" " Yeah, I'm starving." "I made you a football." "You're like an artist-- a pancake artist." "That's the kind of art that Daddy appreciates." "I like doing this stuff." "Is there anything else I could do?" "You mean you wanna do more stuff around the house?" "Sure." "It was fun." "Of course it's fun." "It's fun to help Mommy." "Listen, I mean, I would be thrilled to get some more help around here." "There's cleaning and laundry and..." "Cooking." "Well, maybe some time when you guys go out," "I can babysit for real." "Oh, I don't know, honey." "You said I did a good job with the boys." "It's true, right?" "Twins alive, house-- house not on fire, pancakes in stomach." "Well, a lot of girls her age do babysit." "And cook." "In some countries, she'd be married and running her own farm." "I don't know." "It still makes me a little nervous." "Yeah." "You know, to tell you the truth, honey, when it comes to babysitting, we kinda leave that up to Grandma." "You know what, honey?" "Why don't you babysit for us tomorrow?" " I can babysit?" "!" " Wait wait wait." "No no." " You can babysit!" " Yes!" "Boys, Mom and Dad say I'm in charge of you!" "Well... okay, but wait a minute now." "You're not cutting my mother out entirely." "This could be the beginning." "No no." "No no, listen." "You wanted Ally to help." "No no no." "I just like pancakes." "You said it-- Ally is growing up." "She's mature, she's responsible, she wants to help out." "Okay." "All right." "But my mother" "It's the perfect system" "Ally will be helping me a lot." "W-wait a minute." "Goodbye, Marie." "Whoo-hoo!" "So did you tell Ma that Ally's gonna babysit tonight?" "No." "What, are you stupid?" "Ally, what do you say if Grandma calls tonight?" "You're in the bathroom." "Attagirl." "How about that grilled cheese?" "Isn't that great grilled cheese?" "It's amazing." "I'm telling you, Ray, she's great at that griddle." "You know, Ally, we're gonna sell a whole line of griddles with your face on 'em." "What's she got going today?" "Grilled cheese." "I'm in." "Throw some ham on one of them." "Hey, what are you doin'?" "Don't worry, I'll give you half of mine." " All right." " Sucker." "Amy says we should just meet her at the movie theater." " All right." "Great." " All right." "Hey, Debra, look at you." "What?" "Oh, nothing." "It's just..." "look at you." "You're lookin' good." "Oh." "Well, thank you, Robert." "What are you doing?" "No." "I'm just saying she's looking good, you know, all glowy and happy." "Yeah yeah, you are looking good." "Well, what's going on?" "Nothing." "I don't know." "I just feel good." "I don't know what it is." "Oh, Ally." "Ally, honey... you dropped a sock." "You might wanna get the boys started on bedtime." "Okay, Mommy." "Michael, Geoffrey, pajamas!" "Hey, Ally, sweetie," "I think my grilled cheese is burning." "Okay, Grandpa." "While you're at it, how about one more for the old man?" "Okay, Daddy." "And one more for the handsome man." "Well, thank you, Dad, but you should have one, too." "Sorry, Dad." "You're the handsome man." "You know what makes this sandwich so great?" "It doesn't come with a side of Marie." "Frank." "Somebody screwed up your order." "Frank, what are you doing?" "Lee and Stan are coming over for dinner in a half an hour." "I'm loosening up." "Hey, Ma, would you like Ally to make you one of these grilled-cheese sandwiches?" "I swear, they're the best I ever ta" "All right." "That's enough." "Oh, honey, you're doing that all wrong." "Let Grandma show you how to do that." "Hey, butt out." "She's busy." "Fine." "We have to go anyway." "I don't wanna be late for Lee and Stan." "Oh yeah." "Mom and Dad, you guys should probably get going, too." "Oh yeah, Ray." "You know, she's right." "Come on." "We've got to be there by 8:00." "Wait." "You're all going out?" "Uh... not out, in." "In-into the living room." "We wanna be there by 8:00." "Yeah." "Ray, Ray... relax." "We can tell her." "Well..." "All right." "Okay." "But you're cuttin' it close, you know?" "Uh, I'm gonna meet you by the couch." "I'll be at the coffee table." "Wait a minute." "Tell me what?" "Guys, guys, come on." "Marie will understand." "We're going out tonight, and we've asked Ally to babysit." "Oh, I understand." "You're insane." "It's okay, Grandma." "I babysat the last two nights." "Ally, sweetie, uh... that laundry's not gonna fold itself." "Come on." "Marie, Ally will be fine." "I used to babysit when I was her age." "And you used to smoke, too, didn't you?" "I did not smoke." "Well, your parents were very liberal, weren't they?" "Yes, but..." "They were hippies." "They were not hippies." "I'm not gonna have this discussion." "We're going to the movies." " Yes." "To the movies we go." " Yeah." "Let's go to the movies." "Well, I'm staying right here." "Okay, good night." "I thought you were having guests over." "It was just Lee and Stan." "Enough with them already." "All right." "Bye-bye." "Well, then, I guess I'm the only one who thinks the children are important." "Ray, get back in here." "Marie, I think I know what's best for my kids." "Oh, really?" "By making your daughter cook and clean?" "Look at the poor little thing." "She's too young to be folding grown-up underwear." "What's next?" "You gonna have her sweep the chimney?" "Ma, come on." "She's not Snow White." " Cinderella." " Shut up." "Marie, look." "We're just trying to tell Ally that we trust her enough to take on more responsibility." "By making her into a slave?" " She's not a slave." " Yeah." "This is nothing compared to what" "Dad made us do when we were kids." "That's true." "Talk about slaves." "I beg your freakin' pardon?" "Come on." "Uh uh," ""Rake those leaves." "Shovel that snow."" ""Change that tire." "Lift that piano."" "Hey, I only asked you two bozos to do stuff so you could feel that you weren't worthless." "It's called being a good father." "Yeah." "Hey, what are you laughing at?" "I even paid you." "Oh, yeah yeah." "One nickel." "One time." "And we had to share it." "Hey hey, remember the time we put our nickel together and bought nothing?" "Okay." "So, uh, how much are you paying your little helper?" "Well, actually... we haven't gotten into any specifics yet." "Yeah." "We're crunching the numbers." "Ally, come in here." "Uh, all right." "What are you doin'?" "You wanna crunch numbers?" "Let's crunch." "I understand you do not receive compensation." "What?" "They're not paying you." "Okay." "All right." "Dad, we get it." "No." "I'm glad you pointed out what a bad father I was." "I would hate to see you make the same mistake." "How does $10 an hour grab you?" "Frank." "Excuse me." "I'm talking to my client." "You like nice things, don't you?" "Party shoes, taffy... dolls that pee." "Okay." "Frank, we give Ally all that she needs." "That is management talking." "I think this whole topic is inappropriate." "Ally should not be paid because the child shouldn't be working." "She should be out chasing butterflies and hopping scotch." "Okay." "Here are her demands:" "$10 per hour, bedtime of her choosing, an assortment of sugary breakfast cereals." "Ooh, Lucky Charms just added a new marshmallow shape." "Rainbows." "Uh, she also wants a bucket of chicken, and her grandmother should take a long vacation." "That's my commission." "Dad, look, we're not gonna play your stupid game." "Game?" "You think this is a game?" "Walk away." "What?" "Walk away from the table." "Where am I going?" "Nowhere, honey." "Yes, you are." "You're going on strike!" "We're shutting' you down!" "Well, I'm available if you need me." "And it won't cost you anything." "Yo, scab, you like your kneecaps?" "Okay, uh, you know, I..." "I've had enough of this." "Frank, Marie, it's time for you to leave." "Now that Ally is at a point where she can do more around the house, we won't be needing as much... outside help." "Well, Debra, that sounds like you don't want me here at all." "Uh, no no." "No." "We welcome you and your delightful way." "No." "Debra's never been comfortable accepting my help." "And I think now you're trying to use this situation to shut me out altogether." "Marie, you think I have time to sit around and come up with schemes to get you out of my life?" "Yeah, Ma, come on." "That's not all she does." "Sometimes she reads." "Marie, look." "We are doing this because this is what Ally wants." "What Ally wants!" "Ever since we let her take on more responsibility, she's blossomed." "Like a chrysanthemum." "She's more confident, she's independent, and she's happy." "And isn't that what we all want-- for Ally to be happy?" "I guess." "So, sweetie, do you like babysitting?" "Does it make you happy?" "Yeah." "But not for free." "Ally, you're killing me here." "Look at the napkin" "I was working our way up to pony." "All right." "Just stop it, Dad, okay?" "Ally is happy, and that's all we care about-- making Ally happy." " Really?" " Yes, of course, honey." "Oh..." "because..." "Molly invited me over tonight, and I kind of wanted to go, but I told her I couldn't because I was babysitting." "Well, honey, you should do what makes you happy." " So I can go to Molly's?" " Well, what about the movies?" "Sure, honey, you can go to Molly's." "Right, Daddy?" "Well, uh... yeah." "Yeah yeah yeah yeah." "Yeah." "We only care about your happiness." "Great." "Oh, and were you serious about the money?" "'Cause I did do a lot of laundry." "Oh." "Oh yeah." "Okay." "Yeah, sure." "Okay." "Oh." "I only got a 20." " That's good." " Wait." "Here you go, honey." "Thank you, Grandpa!" "That's my girl." "Well, can we still go to the movies?" "Okay, Marie, you win." "You can babysit." "Oh, I'd love to." "But I can't." "See, I'm entertaining my dear friends Lee and Stan." "Come on, Frank." "Well well, wait a minute," "Dad, what about you?" "Oh, you can't afford me." "If you'll excuse me," "I'm gonna go see a movie with Amy and then have no children." "Whoa." "Well, um... there's no reason both of us shouldn't go to the movies." "Wait." "Yeah, there's a reason right there." "That's one reason." "Yeah." "This is my favorite part of babysitting." "Hey." "Whoa." "You're home early." "Did you have fun at Molly's?" "Yeah." "How are things here?" "Any problem with the twins?" "No." "They were great." "What time did they go down?" "About a half an hour ago." "That's pretty late." "What, did you let them have chocolate or something?" "No." " Yeah, I did." " You..." "I think she smelled the beer on my breath."