"Hello, Mrs Simmons..." "Mary." "Hello, Mr Haskel." "Here's your shirt, Jimmy." "I turned the cuffs." "Thanks." "Little enough for letting Mary practise here." "Oh, it's all right." "How is she doing?" "Encourage her." "If she practises, she'll be good." "I'll be back in an hour." "OK." "I'll take good care of her." "Hop to it, Mary." "Mary, give me an "A", please." "SHE PLAYS A NOTE HE TUNES UP" "That's it." "OK, thanks." "SHE STARTS TO PLAY AGAIN" "When are you going to get new records?" "You haven't worn out those." "Won't be long now." "Hi, Tommy." "Tomatoes for my last lesson." "Tomorrow, I'll bring bacon." "OK, here's your horn." "I think you left your music over there." "PIANO CONTINUES IN BACKGROUND" "LONG, LOW TOOT" "HE RUNS THROUGH SOME SCALES" "PIANO, TROMBONE AND BIG-BAND RECORDS PLAY IN BACKGROUND" "HE PLAYS A JAZZY TUNE" "SHARP, DISCORDANT NOTES" "Uncle Charlie, glad to see you!" "Jimmy, I'm glad to see you, too." "What brings you here?" "I came because you didn't answer my letter." "I wanted time to think it over." "Come in, Uncle Charlie." "TROMBONE AND PIANO PLAY LOUDLY" "I..." "I wrote you..." "I wrote you three months ago!" "Was it that long?" "You know how it is, a fella gets busy." "With these things, you have to change the oil every thousand miles." "HE PLAYS AGAIN Jimmy!" "Jimmy!" "I came up to have an important talk with you." "Go ahead." "I'm listening." "Can't we go some place without this infernal racket?" "!" "Yeah." "We'll go in my room." "Where?" "Right over there." "Here we are." "That chair needs fixing." "It's a trade for a second-hand clarinet." "Jimmy, I'm not going to beat around the bush." "As you know, we've not been close." "After all, we are the last of the Haskels." "Is that very serious?" "I want to keep the name of Haskel in the health-food business." "I understand." "I want to keep our name in the music business." "I'm talking about BIG business." "Can't you understand?" "I need you, Jimmy." "Some day, you're going to get everything I've got." "But you won't get it if you fritter your life away in this town." "This whistle stop." "I like it here." "My dad was happy here." "I could never understand my brother." "I told him when he opened this place he'd never make a go of it." "It failed successfully for 25 years." "That's not bad." "If he'd listened to me, he'd have been a rich man." "But, no." "What did he have when he died?" "The biggest funeral this town ever saw." "Everybody was there." "Everybody owed him money." "Maybe so." "Dad had a wonderful time living." "He liked hunting, fishing, music." "Music!" "He talked a great deal about you." "He did?" "Always seemed to feel sorry for you." "Sorry?" "!" "You didn't get anything out of life." "Just making money." "Is that so?" "Since when has making money been a crime?" "I'm not going to argue with you." "And I'm not going to get upset." "No, sir!" "Jimmy!" "Jimmy!" "Uncle, I'm sorry." "Don't hit him." "He's an old man." "It was the chair." "Are you hurt?" "Don't mind me." "Hello, Bud." "Can I talk to you?" "Yeah, outside here." "Excuse me a minute, Uncle Charlie." "Afraid I've got some bad news." "What's the trouble, Bud?" "I'm to take up this attachment unless you've got money." "Take it up." "Unless you think eggs are gonna go up to 500 a dozen." "See what you can do." "I'll hold this off as long as I can." "Thanks, Bud." "He was just telling me about some people that wanted musical instruments." "He's the sheriff." "How do you know?" "I knew his father." "He was serving a paper on your father the first time I was here." "Well, you can stay here chasing rainbows or I can show you a real pot of gold." "I..." "I..." "Wait." "That's a good idea for my radio show tomorrow night." "You've heard my Happiness Hour of course." "Everybody's heard it." "Once." "Listen to this." "Clouds that make the day so grey must sooner or later pass away." "There's a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow." "Homespun philosophy." "Oh, boy." "I've got to be going." "What are you going to do?" "Unless a miracle happens in the next few days, looks like I'll slide right down that rainbow." "Fine." "And land right in the pot." "What was I saying?" "And furthermore..." "And furthermore, I see no reason..." "LOUDBOOM What was I saying?" "And furthermore..." "I see no reason to change the air guns we use to puff rice and cereals." "LOUDBOOM Our air guns are exceptionally quiet." "I therefore would suggest..." "LOUD MUSIC" "There goes that band again." "Oh, I'll settle this." "JAZZ MUSIC" "How can a man transact business with that going on?" "Tom-toms, jungle screeches." "They're a menace to sanity." "What did I say?" "Tom-toms and jungle screeches." "No, that's what I mean." "The McCorkles took that band in to annoy me." "That's why they've ignored my protests." "It's a new band." "Who wants a new band?" "Let them do it in a cave." "Boom-boom-boom-boom-boom!" "Walawalawala!" "I'll settle this once and for all." "Hey!" "Hey!" "You!" "Hey!" "Hey, you!" "Somebody, hey!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "What's the matter?" "Stop that blasted bedlam or I'll have it stopped!" "Oh, you will, eh?" "You and who else?" "The police!" "I'll have them thrown in jail for disturbing the peace." "Disturbing the peace?" "LOUD BOOM" "What about that air gun booming all day and night?" "I suppose that's a baby's lullaby, you white-headed old baboon." "That boom is this business." "Besides, we're all used to it." "The band is business." "You can get used to it." "I'll get an injunction." "Oh, you will, eh?" "Listen, you black-hearted old skinflint." "You want me to sell my house so you can enlarge your factory." "I'm not selling." "Not at your price." "Call the cops if you think you can have this band thrown out." "You just wait!" "You'll find out!" "PLAYS DOLEFUL TUNE" "Go ahead, boys." "Go to it, but loud." "Jasper." "Go and get Jasper." "Jasper!" "Jasper!" "Find him." "Don't stand there like a dummy." "Do I have to do everything?" "Jasper!" "Do you want me, CJ?" "Why aren't you here when I need you?" "Get the police." "The police?" "The militia if necessary." "That woman has insulted me for the last time." "You said that before." "This time I mean it." "That band is driving me insane." "It certainly is." "Have them arrested." "I will." "Good." "JAZZ MUSIC CONTINUES" "# Hi, Si, what's a-cooking?" "Hi, Si, how's she looking?" "# Life will be as sweet as can be" "# If I find a cookie that's looking for me" "# Hi, Si, di-di-dida, di-di da-da da da da-da" "# All day long I wash and dry To keep my cookie away from Shanghai" "# Shine for you?" "Ten cents implies a revenue" "# Your dogs will get a real shampoo The real Magoo" "HORN TOOTS" "Freshfish!" "# Dum-dee dum-doo diddly-dum" "# The fortune teller told me I was gonna clean up. #" "The apples good?" "I supply the Ritz." "They'll do for the McCorkles." "I'll take half a dozen." "Here, Willy." "What am I?" "A packhorse?" "Anything else, Miss Molly?" "That'll be all." "Thank you." "Here, stupid." "Well, take it." "Thank you." "Come on." "Too bad you can't carry a few bundles without complaining." "I don't mind carrying them." "Well, who are you?" "I'm the guy carrying the bundle." "Thanks." "I thought my brother Willy was behind me." "He went ahead of you." "I'm terribly sorry." "You must have been surprised." "Life in the city is one surprise after another." "For instance?" "Band music coming down out of the sky." "That's up on our roof." "On your roof?" "The band is on the house, until we get a job." "Are you with the band?" "My sister Donna and I sing." "Mother feeds it." "It certainly is a swell band." "Not everyone agrees with that." "You mean the neighbours object?" "No." "The neighbours are..." "Uh-oh." "Here comes trouble." "As you can see, Miss McCorkle, I'm here with the law." "For protection?" "No." "This is your last warning." "That music must cease!" "I'mcoming,Molly." "What does this weasel want?" "As if I didn't know." "No violence." "Speak to her, officer." "Hello, Mom." "You're in bad company." "I'm here to give you an ultimatum." "That band are disturbing the entire neighbourhood." "The entire neighbourhood?" "Does it disturb you, Mrs Papadalis?" "No." "It keeps me young." "Disturbing the peace." "And you, Mrs Sweeney?" "My old man can't fight when he hears music." "They will, will they?" "The hoodlums, the ruffians." "Go back to your kennel and tell old man Haskel what you've heard." "What's going on?" "You've heard of the Hatfield and McCoy feud?" "This is between the McCorkles and the Haskels." "Who?" "Come on." "What are you doing?" "Looking for a nice soft one." "Oh, quit kicking me!" "Look out." "Now, just a minute." "Just a minute." "You might miss him." "Down." "You hoodlums!" "You'll pay for this!" "Now." "Stand aside..." "I hit the wrong man." "No, you hit the right man." "Run!" "No, wait." "Come on." "They got me." "It's blood!" "I've been shot." "I've been stabbed." "You're all right, CJ." "I'm not all right." "Call an ambulance." "It isn't blood, CJ." "It isn't blood?" "What is it?" "Tomato juice." "LAUGHTER" "All's clear." "Come on in." "Boy, you sure do know your back yards and fences." "I'd have been faster without you." "I didn't want you to carry my case." "Have a doughnut, hero." "It's the best I can offer." "Hero?" "Me?" "You certainly are." "They may put up a statue of you, like the discus fellow." "It was an accident - hitting my..." "that man." "It was a stroke of genius." "Everybody hates Haskel." "Why?" "I could give you a reason for every dollar he's got in the bank." "He's trying to drive us out because he hates music." "What a stinker." "The name of Haskel is poison around here." "It is?" "Well..." "I guess I'd better be going." "What's your hurry?" "I have to find a place to live." "I was going to live with a relative." "If you'd like a place where there's never a dull moment..." "What's going on?" "What do you want?" "He needs a place to live." "Are you in a band or are you paying?" "This is the fellow that hit Haskel with a tomato." "Oh, glory be." "You darling!" "Why didn't you tell me?" "So, you're the fella." "Don't look any further." "You're living with us." "Give me the bag." "That's nice, but..." "No buts." "The best room is none too good for you." "Whether you can pay for it or not." "Give me the bag. .." "Willy!" "We've been looking for you." "I've finished that arrangement." "Take this bag up to the big room." "Does anybody else carry anything?" "Stop grumbling." "Let me see it, Horace." "These changes are swell." "Slide over, Frankie." "All right, boys, let's go." "HE PLAYS PIANO" "# Say, when he starts to play" "# The kids begin to trail him And they all say" "# Hooray for Pete the Piper HAWAIIAN GUITAR TWANGS" "# And when he plays a song" "# The kids never fail him They sing a song" "# Along with Pete the Piper" "# People gather round when they hear the sound" "# The Campbells are coming, Hooray, hooray" "# When their lively feet catch the piper's beat" "# They start to sway" "# And then it isn't long Till all the folks are dancing" "# Their hearts are gay When he plays them a song" "# When he's done all that They pass the hat" "# For fascinating Pete the Piper Man" "HE JOINS IN THE MELODY" "THEY ALL STOP" "HARMONICA PLAYS ALONE" "FADES TO A DISCORDANT END" "I'm sorry." "I didn't mean to butt in." "Get 'em, boys." "I didn't mean to bust things up." "Quiet, please." "Can you read music?" "Sure." "Play it like this." "Me?" "Stand over there." "OK, Frankie, pick it up." "PIANO PLAYS" "HE ALTERNATES WITH HARMONICA CHORUS" "# People gather round when they hear the sound" "HE IMITATES BAGPIPES ON HARMONICA # The Campbells are coming" "Hooray!" "# It won't be long Till all the folks are dancing" "# Their hearts are gay When he plays them a song" "# When he's done all that They pass the hat" "# For fascinating Pete the Piper Man" "HE IMITATES BAGPIPES ON HARMONICA" "# Fascinating Pete the Piper Man. #" "CHEERING" "Boys, look who's here." "Grady." "Grady!" "Oh, Molly!" "Grady's been pounding the beat out by the dumps." "A little argument with old man Haskel." "You should have been here." "You'd have been even for life." "What happened?" "Oh, boy." "Plenty." "Whattheycallpoeticjustice." "It must've been good." "It was perfect." "Well, come on." "Come on." "Out with it." "Old man Haskel came steaming over here, and he got hit with a tomato." "Rightinthekisser." "It was a soft one, naturally." "The hit-and-run kind." "Nobody knows who did it, I hope." "Nobody but me." "But I'm big-hearted." "Boys, meet the sharpshooter." "Molly McCorkle, will you never learn to keep your big mouth shut?" "What did I say?" "Too much." "Open up, boys." "Open up." "Open up." "Open up." "My boy, you should have a medal." "Instead, I have to give you this." "Thanks very much." "What is it?" "A warrant for assault and battery." "Old man Haskel swore it out." "Come on, son." "Wait." "Wait a minute." "Wouldn't you like to give me a good kick before you go?" "It's OK." "It's been fun here." "I enjoyed jumping over those fences." "If I get this thing straightened out..." "I hope you let me come back." "And thanks for that doughnut." "It was..." "It was all right." "Er...well, come on, Grady." "Yeah, yeah." "Next case." "Hold everything." "We'll be right there." "Molly, where are you?" "Come on!" "Order!" "Order in the court room!" "Mrs McCorkle, sit down." "Listen, Mike." "Don't get on your high horse with me." "Sit down!" "Now, what's this case all about?" "Young man, what's your name?" "My name?" "I'd prefer your real name." "Er...well, my name is..." "James Hamilton..." "James Hamilton." "Put that down." "Where do you live, James Hamilton?" "He lives with us." "419, 63rd Street." "Tell me, James, how did you get enmeshed in the coils of the law?" "I threw a tomato." "LAUGHTER" "He's too modest, Mike." "Hit him with a bull's-eye right in old man Haskel's face." "He did?" "LAUGHTER" "Where were we?" "I'd just thrown the tomato, Your Honour." "Oh, yes, yes, yes." "Now tell me, Jimmy, my boy, did you with premeditation and intent aim at Mr Haskel's face?" "Well..." "He refuses to answer on the grounds that he might incriminate himself." "You certainly know the law." "Having weighed the evidence, the court rules that the case be postponed and the defendant released on bail." "Provided anybody has any money." "Is 200 enough?" "That was the exact sum the court had in mind." "Who has it?" "I have it, Your Honour." "The clerk will accept it." "Next case." "Thank you, Mike." "Stand aside, please." "Move over Who are you pushing?" "Take it easy, will you?" "Don't push me!" "Here comes double pneumonia." "Open the windows." "I smell stale tomatoes." "Very funny, Mrs McCorkle." "Very funny." "I wish it'd been you who threw that tomato." "I'd have put a rock in it." "You would, would you?" "Well..." "JUDGE STRIKES GAVEL" "Proceed with the case, judge." "I'm here." "Where's the man that assaulted me?" "I'll conduct this case without any advice from you." "That's telling him." "Movealong." "In you go." "All right, take it away, Eddie." "I bring a charge against the hoodlum." "Before I give evidence, he's allowed to walk out right under your nose." "First, he wasn't under my nose." "Second, he was released on bail." "Third, you're in contempt of court." "I sentence you to 25 days or 25." "That ain't enough, Mike." "Quiet." "This is an outrage, a travesty of justice. 50 dollars or 50 days." "What?" "Make up your mind." "It's worth 50 to tell you what I think." "Is it worth 100?" "All right." "But you wait until the next election." "You wait until..." "I'm waiting." "Until..." "Your Honour, it appears that I haven't any money with me." "Take him away, bailiff." "You can't do this to me!" "You can't do this to me!" "HARMONICA MUSIC" "# As he sang" "# In the evening" "# By the moonlight. #" "LOUD CHATTER" "Whatabout Johnny Toots His Horn?" "We don't want that." "We want something to pick us up." "Johnny Toots His Horn." "What did you say?" "Johnny Toots His Horn." "Do you know it?" "Yeah." "Let's see." "# You gotta get up, you gotta get up, You're in the army now" "# Johnny blows the bugle Knows the call from A to Z" "# But he's always at his best When blowing reveille" "# Mmm-mmmmmmm" "# When Johnny toots his horn" "# Disturbing the peace at break of the dawn You gotta get up" "# You're in the army now" "# Before your eyes are open You're dressing on the run" "# Standing at attention with the sergeant's hat and corporal's gun" "# Oh, Johnny blows and blows He toot-toots you into your clothes" "# Then makes you rue the day that you were born Day you were born" "# There's nothing anyone can do" "# The captain has to make it through" "# You've gotta get up When Johnny toots his horn" "TAPPING" "THEY MIMIC A BUGLE" "HE MIMICS A FLUTE NOISE" "# La la-la la la" "# He toots you out of slumber He toots you out of bed" "# He toots you into line, then he goes somewhere and hangs his head" "# But still he blows and blows and blows, blows and blows, blows and blows" "# Blows and blows and blows, yeah, yeah" "# He wakes you with his crazy tune Goes to bed and sleeps till noon" "# You've gotta get up When Johnny toots his horn" "# He stands behind the barricade And plays his morning serenade" "# The private gets up The corporal gets up" "# The sergeant gets up The captain gets up" "# The major gets up The colonel gets up" "# The general gets up The army gets up" "# You gotta get up" "# When Johnny toots his horn" "# When Johnny toots his horn. #" "Music?" "Even in jail I hear music." "You'll get used to it." "Let me down." "Take your hands off of me." "Stop this nonsense." "You're nothing but hoodlums!" "Jimmy, my boy." "Uncle Charlie, fancy meeting you here." "It's a miscarriage of justice." "They can't do this." "Why are you here?" "Just another country boy who got mixed up with evil companions." "What's wrong?" "Too many prisoners." "Someone sneaked in." "What?" "Defrauding the taxpayers, that's what it is." "Gangway." "Line up there." "Line up." "You, what's your name?" "Haskel." "OK." "We've got a Haskel." "Stand over there." "What's your name?" "Haskel." "A wise guy, huh?" "I suppose you're all Haskel." "ALL:" "Yeah." "What's your initial?" "James H. I got no James H nothing." "So you're the stowaway." "You ought to be locked up." "James, my wallet is in my office." "Get it and pay my fine." "I'll be right back." "So long, fellas." "ALL:" "So long, Jimmy." "Hey, can you sing?" "No." "I hate music." "We've got to do something about this, boys." "Say "Ah"!" "ALL:" "Ahhhhhh!" "Hey!" "Jimmy, where have you been?" "Yeah, yeah." "Well..." "Me?" "I..." "I'll have to..." "What's the matter?" "We've been looking all over town for you." "What for?" "What for?" "Come on." "Hey, here's Jim." "Molly, Jimmy's here." "What did I say?" "I knew he'd come back." "Where have you been?" "I got locked up by mistake." "You had the boys worried." "They thought you'd run out on them." "So what?" "They pawned their instruments for your bail." "Molly's idea." "Oh, well, thanks." "Nice to know I'm worth 200 on the hoof." "First call for dinner!" "You're back." "You'll eat at the first table." "Look after him, Molly." "Don't touch a thing." "Get up, all of you." "What's the matter, Ma?" "We've got a new member to the clan." "You sit here." "Willy, get up." "Stop your grumbling." "Ssh!" "# Hail McCorkle" "# Hail McCorkle" "ALL: # We proudly sing thy praise" "# Mmm-mmmmm" "# Hail McCorkle" "# Hail McCorkle" "# Where no-one ever pays" "# Welcome to this university for the fraternity" "# Rah!" "Rah!" "# Welcome to our little college Hooray!" "# And as we march along" "# We'll sing our college so-o-o-ong" "# A knife, a fork and a spoon" "# Will beat out a happy tune" "# You'll all feel chummy as you fill your tummy" "# With a knife, a fork and a spoon" "# Start tap, tap, tapping a dish" "# You'll get your favourite wish" "# Send troubles dashin' while you're corn beef hashin'" "# With a knife, a fork and a spoon" "# At Ma McCorkle's table That's where we play each night" "# We eat all that we're able" "# Though we may fuss, It's home to us" "# So come on lift up your cup" "# Let's drink it down, bottoms up" "# Through stormy weather We'll all stick together" "# With a knife, a fork and a spoon. #" "# We're gathered round the table" "# We're real friends through and through" "# We're gathered round the table" "# To eat Ma's Irish stew" "# Ma's Irish stew" "PLAYS MELODY ON GLASSES" "GLASSES HUM" "# Boarding house, dear boarding house" "# From here we'll never roam" "# Oh, boarding house, dear boarding house" "# To us you're home sweet home. #" "CHATTER" "Say, that was all right." "You're now a member of the McCorkle clan." "Do I make a speech?" "If you do, you'll starve to death." "Irish stew." "There you are." "Tomatoes?" "Thank you." "Well, help yourself." "No tomatoes." "What's the matter?" "Nothing." "Nothing." "Er, would you excuse me?" "I don't feel very well." "Too much excitement." "Maybe you're right." "The jail and everything." "I'll get some fresh air." "Willy, you'd better go with him." "Sure." "You don't..." "Maybe I'd be better off if I went up to my room." "Willy, show him his room." "I do everything except eat." "If you want anything, just holler." "Home sweet home." "Thanks." "# When Johnny toots his horn Disturbing the peace at break of the dawn" "# You gotta get up Toot-tootly tootle..." "No, no." "It's outrageous." "You're getting better." "I don't want to." "I hate music!" "You're so unreasonable." "All right." "All right." "All right." "Try it again." "Put in some gesture." "# When Johnny toots his horn Disturbing the peace at break of the dawn" "# You gotta get up Toot, tooty toot-toot You're in the army now" "# Before your eyes are open You're dressing on the run" "# The corporal's got the sergeant at attention with his gun" "# When Johnny blows and blows, he toot-toots you into your clothes. #" "Jimmy!" "HE CROAKS:" "Where have you been?" "You'll be sorry for this." "Look what they've done to my voice." "How am I going to broadcast the Happiness Hour?" "Couldn't you call it off?" "What?" "!" "Say you lost your voice singing in a jail." "Don't be ridiculous!" "Ladies and gentlemen, due to circumstances beyond our control..." "We bring you the Haskel Happiness Hour." "Makers of Haskel Pattycakes - the health food supreme." "HE CROAKS:" "Ladies and gentlemen..." "I can't do it." "I'm croaking." "Jimmy, you do it." "Oh, no." "Oh, no." "Mr Haskel will be with you soon." "Ladies and gentlemen!" "Ssh!" "Ssh!" "HE WHISPERS:" "Tonight, I want to share a little poem with you." "We...all should be grateful and happy as kings," "The world is so full of such wonderful things," "The rain and the sun help the earth to grow wheat..." "Hey, Willy." "What do you want?" "Listen to this." "The sun on the oceans..." "Forget about him..." "Just listen for a moment." "The pansies..." "The pansies and lilies, the primrose so fickle," "They're ours to enjoy without spending a nickel." "Good evening, sir." "LOSING HIS VOICE:" "Evening, Parks." "Parks...is the guest room in order?" "Certainly, sir." "This is my nephew, Mr James Haskel." "BOTH WHISPERING:" "Oh." "How do you do, sir?" "Same to you." "Is your luggage in the car, sir?" "I just had one suitcase..." "CROAKY:" "Why are you whispering?" "You started it, sir." "I lost my voice, singing." "You?" "I'll get my suitcase." "We have everything here." "Come on." "HE RASPS:" "Here you are, my boy." "This is all yours from now on." "I'm so happy to have you with me at last." "Thanks." "In case you need anything." "That's fine." "We'll have breakfast at 7.30." "Then I'll take you over to the factory." "I'll put you on the payroll." "I don't imagine you've got much money." "Your cashier cashed a cheque for me." "Your personal cheque?" "For how much?" "It was certified." "214." "That's what was left when I closed up shop." "That dismal episode is behind you for ever, my boy." "Tomorrow is another day." "With more music by the McCorkles, probably." "Jimmy, that old lady is deliberately trying to wreck my health." "Why?" "Because I want her property." "That's unreasonable." "It's getting on my nerves." "I can't stand it." "Why don't you go on a vacation?" "The McCorkles will think they chased me out of town." "That's what they want." "Nothing will stand in the way of my getting the man who hit me with that tomato!" "This is my room if you want me." "I'm going to take a hot bath and go to bed." "Good night, Jimmy." "Goodbye, Uncle Charlie." "MAN WHISTLES" "# Do you believe in fairy tales?" "WOMEN:" "# I do-o-o-o" "# I know a place where fairy tales" "WOMEN:" "# Come true-ue" "ALL:" "# Just close your drowsy eyes my dear" "# And a genie will appear" "# He'll take you by the hand" "ALL:" "# And through a star-embroidered sky" "# On a carpet you will fly" "# And you'll awake in fairyland" "MEN:" "# Ooh-ooh-ooh" "MEN:" "# A prince will ride upon the scene" "WOMEN:" "# La-la-la-la-la-ah" "MEN:" "# Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh" "MEN:" "# He'll say, "Fair lady, be my queen"" "WOMEN:" "# La-la-la-la-la-ah" "MEN:" "# Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh" "# In this beautiful land of laughter" "# You'll live happily ever after" "ALL:" "# If you believe that fairy tales" "ALL:" "# Come true. #" "HARMONICA PLAYS" "# Do you believe in fairy tales?" "# I do" "# La-da-da-da-da-da" "# I know a place where fairy tales" "# Come true" "# La-da-da-da-da-da" "# Just close your drowsy eyes my dear" "# And a genie will appear" "# He'll take you by the hand" "# And through a star-embroidered sky" "# On a carpet you will fly" "# And you'll awake in fairyland" "# Do you believe in fairy tales?" "... #" "Stop that infernal music!" "You white-headed old baboon..." "Quiet, wench!" "Jasper, where are you?" "Yes, CJ?" "Go and get the jester." "OK, CJ." "Run, Jimmy, run for your life!" "ALL SHOUT" "# Our prince will ride upon the scene... #" "Run, Jimmy, run for your life!" "Look out, he's got an axe!" "Don't touch me!" "What's the matter?" "Look out!" "Wait, what's the matter?" "# He'll say, "Won't you be my queen?"... #" "Oh!" "What a dream I was having!" "Well, you just keep right on dreaming." "OK with me!" "Oh!" "Good night." "Good night(!" ")" "Hello." "Hello." "Is anything wrong?" "We heard you on the radio." "You did?" "Wasn't I terrible?" "Did Molly hear it?" "No." "That's good." "What goes on between you and CJ Haskel?" "I'll tell you, he's my uncle." "Oh, yeah?" "Here." "I'll prove it to you." "Here's a letter to James Hamilton Haskel." "Want to read it?" "No." "What is this?" "Why are you here?" "I almost forgot what I came for." "There's 200 for your instruments." "Did you get that from your uncle?" "You don't know my uncle." "Thank you, Jim." "That's OK." "I like the people here." "Especially..." "I like everybody." "I'd like to live here." "But as soon as Molly finds out..." "Suppose she doesn't find out." "That would be nice, but..." "You didn't have to get that dough." "I'm for you, Jimmy." "Horace?" "Sure thing." "Well, thanks very much." "I've still got troubles." "Sooner or later, Molly will find out who I am." "Just like old man Haskel will find out who threw that tomato." "It just won't work." "Either way, I'm a dead duck." "How's your uncle going to find out?" "He'll see me at the trial." "What if he didn't show up?" "They'll throw the case out." "We'll get rid of Uncle Charlie." "How?" "Red can run over him with the wagon." "Do you think he would?" "You couldn't!" "Red'd love it." "I'll get him." "Wait." "Couldn't you do something not quite so drastic?" "Any ideas?" "Yeah, I think I'd better go back to Point Jurvis." "Uncle Charlie's tough." "You'd better find someplace else to rehearse." "So long, Horace." "Willy, thanks for everything." "Jim, wait." "That's it." "The band." "He doesn't like it." "No, he certainly does not." "Come on." "BAND PLAYS "When Johnny Toots His Horn"" "IN HIS SLEEP:" "Tooty toot-toot." "LOUD DRUMMING" "LOUD DRUMMING AND MUSIC THROUGH GRILLE" "LOUD SCREAM ON RADIO" "GUNSHOTS" "MUSIC CONTINUES" "Jimmy?" "Do you think it will work, Horace?" "If this doesn't fall off." "Yes, Uncle Charlie?" "What are you doing?" "Who is this man?" "I was worried about you." "This is Professor Heidt, Uncle Charlie." "I don't need a doctor." "I eat my own health foods." "It's my nerves that are cracking." "I'm here to work on your nerves." "Relax, please." "How can anybody relax with that music going on?" "Music?" "Music?" "BOTH:" "What music?" "That creepy music." "Don't you hear it?" "You see what I mean, Professor?" "I tell you, I hear music!" "Maybe it's the radio in the library." "It's not the radio." "You still hear it?" "Yes, it's still playing." "Where does this music seem to be coming from?" "I don't know." "Just a moment, I'll tell you." "It's here." "It's plainer down here." "HE HUMS" "Don't you think you'd better go back to bed?" "I hear it." "Here." "Here it is." "It's coming from the furnace." "Music in furnace." "Well, listen yourself." "Jimmy, please tell him you hear it." "I'll get Parks." "He'll get me out of this." "Parks will back me up." "BUGLE FANFARE" "Don't tell me you don't hear anything." "Yes." "I was getting nervous." "A beautiful string quartet." "String quartet." "It's bugles!" "Hears bugles on phone." "I hear bugles." "It's bugles." "Don't try to humour me." "At least you're not seeing things." "There's nothing wrong with me." "Jimmy, look!" "What do you see?" "What do you want us to see?" "Girls dancing." "Where?" "There!" "Sees paper dolls dancing on lawn." "Paper dolls." "You're right." "I'm in a terrible shape." "My nerves are all gone." "What do you think I should do?" "Give your nerves a long rest." "Get out of town." "I'll do it." "I'll go up in the woods." "We'll help you pack." "Not until I find the man who threw that tomato." "Your health is more important than a silly tomato." "That's right." "Let me handle this." "I'll find him." "He's as good as in jail." "Almost." "While you're resting, he'll be taken care of." "I'll do it." "Good." "I'll take the first train out in the morning." "What's the matter now?" "The music's stopped." "All but the bull fiddle." "You're improving already." "Yes." "Hi." "What can I do for you?" "Hello, Mr Louderman." "Could we make the Haskel Happiness Hour happier?" "Welcome, stranger." "Sit down." "What'll you have?" "Well..." "Hello, Mr Baccus." "What's this meeting about?" "To discuss the programme." "I'm in charge during Mr Haskel's absence." "He trusts me." "Not 100%." "I beg your pardon?" "My uncle has given me charge of the programme." "It didn't take long to undermine me." "You could have written it." "There'll be no changes..." "I'd like to talk to you." "Yes, we should talk this over." "I'll be right back." "PUNCHES ARE THROWN" "BREAKING GLASS" "I'd like to make other improvements." "Go right ahead." "I'd like to use a band." "No." "We have loads of bands." "My uncle hates this one." "It drove him up to Canada." "Why do you want them on his programme?" "It'll give them a break." "Then they'll have to thank my uncle." "He'll feel good." "Up in Canada?" "There's a feud going on." "A feud?" "Then there's a girl." "Oh, a girl." "Yeah." "Sounds pretty confusing, doesn't it?" "No." "It sounds pretty good." "It does?" "You play Thursday night at the Eastchester Country Club." "How did you do it?" "I talked, he listened." "I'm as surprised as you." "How much do we get for it?" "Nothing." "You don't get anything." "What of it?" "We don't get money for playing to the neighbours." "At least this way there's a chance." "I'm sold." "What can we lose?" "It's OK with me." "Give me a push." "Bon soir, monsieur." "What did he say?" "Bon soir, monsieur." "You made me walk for hours to get to a place where no-one speaks English!" "What kind of a guide are you?" "Avez vous a machine, talkie-talkie?" "I don't think so." "I've got a good one right there." "I'm not a peddler." "This one's busted." "I want to hear an American programme at eight o'clock." "Help yourself." "Here." "Get this avalanche off my back." "Oui, monsieur." ""Oui, monsieur."" "SWING MUSIC PLAYS" "Thank you, ladies and gentlemen." "We're about to start our broadcast." "Well, boys, here we go." "Good luck." "Are you scared?" "Just take a deep breath." "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen." "The Haskel Happiness Hour 'from Eastchester Country Club.' Country club?" "The first appearance of a new band..." "Music?" "On my programme?" "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Horace Heidt." "The first number is Broadway Caballero, featuring Molly McCorkle." "McCorkle?" "And here she is, the charming Molly." "# He's disarming, alarming Charming and gay" "# First, he steals your heart Then he throws it away" "# He will tell you of tropical nights" "# Make you dream of a thousand delights" "# First, he'll hold your hand Say you're simply grand" "# Soon you're thinking his way" "# Caballero He's never been south of the border" "# He's never been Argentine way" "# When he starts to pet The chances are you'll forget" "# That he's a Caballero from Broadway" "# South on Broadway" "# He'll hold you and say "Senorita, right here in my arms you must stay"" "# And from his dialect You'd never suspect He's the Caballero from Broadway" "# South on Broadway" "# His daytime, he spends parading on the Avenue" "# Then, later, you'll find me with a girl or two and a third in view" "# He'll take you to all the gay places" "# He'll make every Latin cafe" "# He'll give you such a thrill Then he'll hand you the bill" "# This charming Caballero from Broadway" "# South on Broadway" "# When Madame Lazanga learned the conga, I swear" "# I gave her the lessons, then I gave her the air" "# It seemed to be love in bloom And then suddenly, boom!" "# Another girl took over from there" "# I know if you meet him you are likely to fall" "# His methods are sense because he catches them all" "# He'll sing you a serenade tenderly played on an old mail-order guitar" "# He'll bring up the subject of dancing" "# And all of his pupils will say" "# He's such an awful crumb but no-one dances the rumba # like the Caballero from Broadway" "# South on Broadway" "# He'll tell you he lives in Argentina's biggest house" "# But we know his hacienda is a boarding house run by Senor Klaus" "# He's such an impetuous fellow He's like a dog having his day" "# This phoney Don Amigo Really comes from Oswego" "# For a Caballero from Broadway He does OK!" "# You'd better lock your heart or he will tear it apart # and then it's just the start and you're in trouble" "# You think you're up on top but you are due for a drop because # your dream will pop like a bubble" "# He's the kind of man that you'll never forget, # the diamond Caballero from Broadway" "# Way down south on Broadway. #" "Molly, you were wonderful." "Put this on before you catch cold." "Louderman said the band are worth 1,500 a week. 1,500 a week?" "That means we're a success!" "I've been double-crossed." "Get me a drink." "Bands." "Country clubs." "The McCorkles." "Get me a drink, do you hear?" "I want to tell you something." "It took you long enough." "This is something that's been worrying me." "You don't know anything about me." "So what?" "You're you and I'm me." "Well..." "There you are." "You thought you'd made an impression." "I'll tell your uncle about it." "CJ won't pay for your philandering." "Is Haskel your uncle?" "Yes." "If you just let me explain." "It's all perfectly obvious." "Sneaking into our home, pretending to help us." "Please let me explain." "What a cheap trick." "You are a Haskel." "Molly, they can hear you." "That's fine!" "Hello, everybody." "I have good news." "Every week, Mr Haskel, who sponsors the programme, is going to give away 1,000 in cash." "1,000 a week?" "!" "That's a lie!" "Isn't that generous, folks?" "APPLAUSE" "Now, Mr Haskel, trick your way out of that." "MUSIC STARTS" "I've got to get home." "How long will it take?" "It'll take two days..." "How long did it take to get here?" "A week." "You'll make it back in a week." "Let's get started." "Jimmy!" "Jimmy!" "Congratulations." "That was a marvellous idea." "How did you think of it?" "It came out of a clear sky." ""The Haskel Happiness Hour announced that 1,000 a week would be given away."" "I read all the papers." "Here's Mr Haskel." "Your uncle's attorney" " Mr Chalmers." "How do you do?" "Sign this paper." "What is it?" "A statement that you did not authorise that announcement." "She did it to damage your uncle." "Sign here." "Wait a minute." "Don't worry." "We can get judgment against the McCorkles." "We can take their property." "Your uncle's been trying to do that for years." "Sign here, please." "I don't like to be pushed around or sign anything I haven't read." "Get out of here!" "Don't hit me again." "I have glasses!" "Mr Haskel..." "Good day, sir." "Good day." "Beautiful, Parks." "Thank you, sir." "Why don't you answer the phone?" "Hello?" "Oh, Jimmy, my boy, how are you?" "You want to talk to Molly." "Well, I don't think it's a very good time to..." "Just a moment." "Fight your own battles." "I'm not doing it for you." "I don't want..." "Well?" "I hate to annoy you but this is important." "That 1,000 offer was my idea." "Just don't argue." "If anybody asks about it, follow Grady's advice." "Don't tell me to keep my mouth shut." "Why should I?" "If you don't, they'll take your home." "I don't need your help. .." "What?" "Don't be stupid." "I'm doing it for Mom and the boys." "Oh!" "Excuse me, sir." "Mr Louderman and Mr Samson." "Have them come in." "Hello." "Hello, Jimmy." "Congratulations." "Your programme was a knockout." "Calls from all over the country." "This is Mr Samson." "How do you do?" "Mr Samson is an investigator for the federal government." "What's the government got to do with it?" "We want to know how you'll give away the money." "That shouldn't be hard." "Nobody has trouble giving away 1,000." "It cannot be a lottery." "No raffles or drawings." "Oh, yes, I understand that." "That would be..." "Well, how about a quiz contest?" "It said the money would be given way over the air, not to an audience." "That sort of complicates things, doesn't it?" "Let's see..." "Stick a pin the city directory and give that person the 1,000?" "No." "That would be local." "This has become national." "Let's call it off and not give away the money." "No, no." "The money was promised." "I would lose my franchise." "Your uncle's business would be ruined." "You could be fined and imprisoned." "Well, that's great." "I have quite a choice, don't I?" "I give the money away and go to jail, or I don't and go to jail." "Hand me the salt." "Still mooning about Jimmy, huh?" "You've seen the last of him." "He's probably glad he's found out what you're like." "All right, Mom." "It's not all right." "Jimmy deserves a girl who really loves him." "Whether his name be Haskel or Hassenpfeffer." "Well, I hope you're satisfied." "What's the matter now?" "Nobody can figure out how to give away that 1,000." "Jimmy's going to jail because of it." "This is awful." "But I made the offer." "He says he'll take the rap." "Are you going to let him go to jail?" "Jimmy said..." "I know why he said it." "To keep a roof over our heads." "I'd rather lose our house than lose our pride." "Oh, Mom." "I've been feeling the same way all week." "PHONE RINGS Yes. .." "No. .." "Not yet." "Gentlemen, someone's got to think of something and soon." "The programme goes on air tonight, not next month." "We're no closer to the answer than we were a week ago." "Yes..." "I've got it!" "It came to me just like that." "We'll get that glass bowl they use for the draft numbers." "That's it." "I'm proud of you." "That'll do it." "The government forbids lotteries." "No." "Not yet." "I'll see if I can dream up something else." "You're not sleeping." "No." "I'm eating aspirin tablets like peanuts." "I've got it." "What?" "The first time I've beat this game." "Why don't you all go to the broadcasting station?" "Maybe I'll think of something." "We'll get out." "Samson, come on." "No. .." "Not yet." "Put that thing off the hook and leave it off." "Thank you, sir." "Yeah." "Are you all right, Jimmy?" "I'm just getting my second wind." "You'd better think of something." "7.30." "Heard from Jimmy?" "No." "Nobody answers." "How are we to go on?" "When it's 8 o'clock, you're on." "From coast to coast." "KNOCK ON DOOR" "BUZZER" "KNOCKING AND BUZZING" "Coming, Mr Haskel." "Coming." "About time." "Why didn't you answer the telephone?" "You see..." "How do you like that?" "Ow!" "Come on!" "Wake up!" "Get up." "I can't do it." "It's against the law." "It's Molly." "Get up!" "Oh, it's you." "Yes, it's me." "Now, come on." "I suppose you want to know how I'm going to give away the 1,000." "I don't know." "Go home." "Go home?" "You come down here as fast as you can." "On your feet, big boy!" "If you think we'll let a Haskel fight our battles, you're cuckoo." "We won't let McCorkles kick us around." "Go on." "Go away." "Still going to sleep, huh?" "Just a second." "Don't you dare." "You can't do that." "Where's the telephone?" "What are you doing?" "I'm going to tell them what happened." "Give me that." "I've made up my mind." "Let go of that phone." "No, I won't." "All right." "CLOCK CHIMES" "That's it!" "Hands spinning around." "Millions of telephones and telephone books." "Parks!" "And it's not a lottery." "Get my coat." "Goodbye." "Ow!" "Oooh!" "The Haskel Happiness Hour presents Horace Heidt and his Musical Knights." "Before this programme is over, we will give away 1,000 in cash." "The method of giving it will be announced later." "# Here we come, all bright and gay" "# It's the charge of the Heidt Brigade. #" "Here I am, CJ." "Did you stop the programme?" "It's on the air now." "I'll tear down the studio." "Why am I in the radio business?" "Jimmy, have you got an idea?" "This is it." "Take 'em." "They're telephone books from all over the country." "Go and get the rest of them." "Gangway." "We're going to give the money away by telephone." "Cut the books into sections of 500 pages." "Put numbers on each one." "Get a table." "After you." "Thank you." "Nice going." "Come on, Parks." "We have to go." "SHE LAUGHS" "Same to you." "Fine work." "Ladies and gentlemen, here's the news you've been waiting for." "'The 1,000 will be given away by telephone.' That's my money!" "I won't stand for it." "I'll cancel my contract." "Get me to a telephone!" "How are we going to borrow the wheel?" "Come on, boys!" "Take home the bacon!" "When I yell "Snooky", you borrow it." "What's Snooky?" "Get going." "Snooky!" "Where have you been?" "Madam." "Why did you leave me the way you did?" "Madam, I..." "Why, you're not my Snooky at all." "A character." "How do you like that?" "Where..." "I've been robbed!" "Police!" "Get a policeman." "Police!" "I've been robbed!" "Gangway!" "Hello." "May I use your telephone?" "Ma, Daniel Boone wants to use our telephone!" "Go away, tramp." "No-one uses the phone 'til they give away the money." "Tramp?" "Daniel Boone?" "Look out!" "Look out!" "Fellas, help out here." "Quiet." "We're on the air." "I know." "You can't go in there!" "This ain't a hillbilly programme." "Let go!" "I'm no hillbilly!" "CJ, when did you get here?" "Louderman!" "I want to talk to you!" "All right, Horace." "Go on." "The wheel is ready to spin for the first volume number." "Take it away!" "There she goes, ladies and gentlemen." "We want that volume to have your name in it." "I'm not going to give away one penny." "OK, but I've got three sponsors begging to buy this programme." "They must be crazy." "Is that so?" "They're from the biggest advertising agencies in America." "What?" "!" "Wait a minute!" "We want you to be the one that Horace calls later." "It's going on and on and on." "And it's 124!" "124!" "124!" "I've got it!" "We're ready for the spin to determine the page number." "The second spin to find the page in that volume we chose a moment ago." "It will have the 1,000 winner's name on it!" "This is Mr Haskel." "The best advertising stunt I've ever seen." "Is it good?" "I'll give you 20,000." "Is it that good?" "I'll make it 30." "Trying to steal it, huh?" "She's going down to find the right page." "She's stopping." "Page 66." "Page 66." "66!" "I got it!" "Now the final spin to determine the person who will receive the call." "Larry, take it away." "This time, all the names on the page of our chosen volume to find the name that we can send our pot of gold." "It's slowing down more and more." "There it is." "Our listing is 38!" "Listing number 38." "Ten." "Fifteen." "Twenty." "Thirty." "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight." "It says..." "The name is Mr Olaf Swenson." "3RJ, ring seven." "Ring seven?" "Plunkett." "Plunkett, Minnesota." "Plunkett, Minnesota." "Kindly give me Mr Olaf Swenson, 3RJ, ring seven, Plunkett, Minnesota." "SECONDS ARE BEAT OUT ON PERCUSSION" "PHONE RINGS Ja, I'm coming." "Keep your jacket on." "Ja." "Hello?" "Stop the clock, boys." "Is this Mr Olaf Swenson speaking?" "Ja." "That's me." "A pot of what?" "A thou..." "You give me..." "I ain't got no time for monkey business." "What?" "You give me 1,000?" "Helga!" "Why you make my Olaf faint?" "What?" "A thou..." "Oh!" "Hello?" "Hello?" "Hello?" "Folks, they're speechless." "It's my million-dollar idea." "They brought you back alive." "What are you doing here?" "Enjoying our programme." "What are you trying to put over on me?" "It belongs to me!" "It does, does it?" "The whole thing was Molly's idea." "Molly's idea?" "Who is Molly?" "We've got you out of the mess." "You're not liable." "Miss McCorkle is responsible for the whole thing." "You nitwits!" "You numbskulls!" "Get out of here!" "Get out of here!" "That's swinging them, Charlie!" "Charlie?" "And Molly is responsible for the whole thing." "Where are you going?" "Out." "Horace got the call through on the telephone." "Everything's fine." "Yes." "Everything's fine." "Yeah..." "I guess it's just one of those things." "The McCorkles are allergic to the Haskels." "I expect so." "Yeah, I expect so." "Goodbye, Molly." "Bye." "Well, Jimmy?" "Uncle Charlie." "You come with me." "You're in on this, too." "Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce the people who originated what will be a permanent feature of the Haskel Happiness Hour." "Miss Molly McCorkle and my nephew, Mr James Haskel." "Tell them how happy you are." "I'd just like to tell you how happy I am everything turned out well..." "Ladies and gentlemen, she's happy because we're going to be married." "All right, Miss McCorkle, trick your way out of that one." "BAND PLAYS" "Toot tootly-toot!" "Tootly-toot!" "# When Johnny toots his horn" "# The band will play" "# Your blues away" "# When Johnny toots his horn!" "#"