"thanks for your advice about "a night under the stars."" " of course." "anytime. ever." " now i just got to figure out what to bring to the picnic." "this is my first college girl so i really want to impress her." "would you mind helping me shop for this stuff?" " mm-mm." " i'd love to." " really?" " sure." " no!" " thanks. later." " hey." " hey." "want to see my place?" " i can see it from here." "two girls are making out on the hood." " no, my real place." "the condo board's trying to bluff me by listing my place as available." "look at those faucets." "handcrafted in italy." "100% expensive." " those faucets are beautiful." "you know what they would go great with: a home, which you no longer have." "you need to move on with your life." " yeah. move on with my life." ""shmove shmon shmith shmy shmife."" "this condo is all that's left of me." "every part of it is a part of who i am." " is that a bidet?" " that part's for resale value." "and saturday afternoons." " you know, downgrading your lifestyle is your chance to grow as a person." "maybe even become one." "you know, the less you have, the more you can be." "you know what i'm saying?" " there's a silver lining here, isn't there?" "you're attracted to bums." " good night." " come on. why don't you have dinner at my place?" "i got a hot plate that plugs into a cigarette lighter." " yeah, but your kitchen's being towed." " bring back my house!" "can i live with you?" " yeah. cool. you want the top bunk or the bottom bunk?" " top." " me too." "i win." " look, i really need to liquidate some assets." "it's an emergency situation." "what kind of an offer is that?" "these are mint condition issues." "i mean, the premise alone is priceless." "the guy has the powers and strength of a spider." "no, your incredulity perplexes me, nerd." " jeff, did i say anything in my sleep last night about farm animals or brian williams?" " i don't think so." " cool. cool, cool, cool." "lucky charms?" " how are you so satisfied all the time, abed?" "i mean, don't you ever want anything more out of life than cereal?" " sometimes i like to pour hot cocoa mix into cold milk and drink like it like a cold hot chocolate." "i call it "special drink."" " and some day you will know it by its true name, "diabetes."" " you're goldie hawn, jeff." " i'm sorry?" " you're goldie hawn." " is it the lips?" " no. in overboard, she was just like you." "wealthy, assertive, arrogant." "got manicures all the time." "but then she fell off her boat and it was a good thing for her because, ultimately, she realized she was happier being poor and raising four unruly boys with kurt russell." " can i not be kurt russell in this scenario?" " you can do whatever you want." "you just have to know what that is." "for me, it's lucky charms and tv." " i could use a break." " oh, a picnic blanket." "genius." "i was just gonna lay down newspaper." " it's the blanket my grandmother used to court my grandfather." " yeah?" "that's pretty hot." "thanks." " oh." " tell that boy how you feel!" " it's scary." "if he's not interested, i could lose the friendship too." " you could." "love is a gamble always." "but waiting won't change the dice." "you either roll them or you lose your turn." " i'm going to roll them." "i am." "i am. i just--i need a few more shakes." " mm. shake 'em in your mind, okay?" "now, if you'll excuse me, pierce's band is playing and i want to record the train wreck." "kind of hoping for a michael richards situation." "oh, they're pretty good." "this isn't weird for you?" " no. just want to show vaughn some support to help smooth things over." "what am i doing?" "* i'm getting rid of the b *" " take it, pierce." " same as a 45-year-old, except he doesn't get as tired." " hmm. really great to have somebody to watch stuff with." "my dad never wanted to watch anything so i was kind of raised by tv." " tv's the best dad there is." "tv never came home drunk." "tv never forgot me at the zoo." "tv never abused and insulted me unless you count cop rock." "cop rock." "that sounds cool." " doesn't it?" " hey." "wow. you guys are really dorming it up in here, huh?" " yeah. in the last two days, i spent a quarter." " we're having the time of our lives." " see. who needs platinum faucets?" "do you guys even have faucets in here?" " there's a communal bathroom down the hallway." "it actually helped me come to terms with losing my condo." "you don't sit on a toilet like that until you've left the material world behind." "both: pavel!" " hey, bros." " this is pavel." "he lives next door." "he's from poland." "britta." " britta." " excuse me, i have a future murder victim to visit." " cool." " cool." " cool, cool, cool." " guys, what the hell!" ""getting rid of britta"?" "that song was disrespectful to me and to the definition of "rhyme scheme."" " wow. if you don't like my song, you don't have to listen, britta, all right?" "i'm an artist and i write what i feel." "and i feel that you suck." " oh, oh, all right, hold on here." "vaughn, can i have a word with you?" "could you come here, please, for a second?" "what did you just say to her?" " listen, i know britta's your friend, but my song is more important." " there you go again." "your song." "we wrote it together." "are you trying to garfunkel me?" " maybe." "assuming to "garfunkel" someone is to keep putting up with them even though they're a fat, lazy cat who hogs the spotlight and ts all the lasagna." " i get it." "you're jeaus of me." " what?" "why?" " i don't know." "maybe because when i put on these skinny jeans, my ass looks like a baby pumpkin." "or maybe because i'm not a small-nippled, credit-hogging jag who only knows three power cords." " my band, my song!" " you can..." " you want that?" "huh, pierce?" "how you like that?" "ah!" "you sack of..." " you get on that horse." " pierce, did you just defend my honor?" "oh, yeah, totally." " and you'll light the candles." "and you'll take a bite." "and she'll take a bite." "and you'll laugh." "and you'll offer her your letter jacket after you notice this funny way she shakes when she gets cold." "and she'll feel like the luckiest girl in the world." " right." "[exhales] i couldn't have done this without your help." "you're really nice." "we should've hung out more in high school." " remember when you pretended to be my backpack?" " oho. yeah. yeah." "i'm funny." "all right." "uh, i got to go get ready." " troy, wait!" "i have to tell you... my appendix is bursting." " what?" " yeah. yeah." "my appendix is bursting." "aah!" " oh, no." " oohoo hoo." " okay." "two young students." "think i've been to this dance before." "you guys are sexual partners, right?" " [forced laughter] us?" "no. no." "he's my very good friend and i have appendicitis." " oh." " thanks for bringing me here." "guess i ruined your date, huh?" " doesn't seem to be anything wrong with you." " cool. i'll see you." " aah!" " god. where does it hurt?" " everywhere." " okay, we have to quarantine you." "we got to get you to a safe distance." " my date's on the east lawn." " east lawn. perfect." " great." " okay. wait. wait." "uh, this a date?" "you'll need these." " nice. i'll be thinking of you." " okay, i need to go." " no, we--i mean, we have to observe you overnight." "it's policy." "we don't want another "vanessa parsons" on our hand." "she was the "typhoid mary" of herpes." "i'm kind of the hawkeye around here so it's kind of a... are you seeing anybody?" " you guys weren't in spanish class." " knight rider marathon." " shadowy flight into the world of a man who does not exist." " mm. mm. mm." " britta, may i have a word?" " has this always been here?" " you need to take jeff back." " mm. never had him." "don't want him." "especially now." "he's got a real phil spector vibe going." " he's like e.t. he crashed in my place." "and we're friends now, which is great for me, but it's bad for him." "he needs to get back." " what am i supposed to do about that?" " use your lady parts." " abed!" " don't be naive, britta." "the charge between you two was keeping him going." "tell him you'll make love to him if he takes a shower and finds a nice place to live." " i'm heading back." "pavel's making babka." " do it, britta." "seduce him." "draw the tapeworm of jeff's old self out of him with the bowl of milk that is your sexuality." " no." " then say good-bye to e.t." " you. you can't see further than them dollar signs in your eyes." " [switches tv off] - hey. what are you doing?" " i was wrong, okay?" "material possessions are important." "think how much happier the jeffersons were than that family on good times." " but they had good times." " well, do good times really matter?" "what about good cars, good lobster?" "what about that--that sport where the british people ride the horses with the really long hammers?" " jeez, you are way out of your element here." " yes, and i do not believe a single word i am saying for me." "but for you, maybe you're one of those rare people with nothing underneath the surface." "maybe if you put stain remover on a turd, you don't get a diamond;" "you just get a turd with less direction in life." " thanks, coach." "can you turn the tv back on?" "faucets." " italian faucets, handcrafted." " these look like..." "wait... i made this notch to indicate optimal cleansing temperature for combination skin." "these were mine?" " for a fancy condo, you've got awful security." "install those in a new apartment so that every day when you're spending way too much time on your hair, you can look down and think, "i was a huge phony before." "i can do it again!"" " yeah." "you're into me." " i beg your unbelievable pardon." " look at all this work you're doing just to have me around again." "you were may more attracted to me than you were willing to admit." " i was doing this all for abed." "you are the worst." " yeah. clearly." "vaughn, i just want you to know, i haven't changed my mind about the band." "i am out." "also, do me a favor, will you lay off britta?" "she may walk like she just got off a horse, but underneath all that clown makeup, she's--she's a good kid." " mm-hmm." "no worries, man." "i've moved on." "lates!" " lates. okay. snakes. what?" " what's up, greendale!" " whoo-hoo!" "yeah, you heard me say it." " yes, sir!" " yes." " before you two proceed, i have one thing to say..." " did you..." "say it already?" " i want my nana's blanket back." "do you--do you guys mind?" "i just--could you scoot over?" "it's--it's an heirloom." "i want it...back." "thank you." "have a nice date." "i don't care what you think." "for me, that was huge." " i know, sweetie." "let's go find you some pants." " hey, look who the cat dragged out and licked clean." " well, i saw how much you missed me, and smelled what happens to pavel on cabbage night, and realized the world was better off with me in it." "thanks..." "for, uh... caring." "hey." " hey." "you look like you moved out." " i checked into a motel and i'm looking for apartments." "you would've been fine with me staying there forever, huh?" " yep." " you're pretty cool, abed." " you're a huge nerd." " thanks." " put your hands up!" " i'm pierce." " oh." " yeah. song's about me." " wow." " come on, everybody!" " one more time."