"Guess who I went to second base with." " Who, Cy?" " Lyla Smith." "Bull!" "Get back here!" "Why don't you believe me?" "Because you lie!" "I grew up normal, in a normal house, the size of a castle." "I played sports... sang in the choir, for the President of the United States..." "And celebrated my birthdays with 4-story cakes, flown straight from Paris." "My brother and I played kickball over there." "And--and here is where we would hide from the police after stealing magic potions from the toy store." "I don't know why they wouldn't believe me when I told them we were gonna make things with it." "I still build things now." "I--I took apart a 1961 DeSoto and built a generator from scratch." "It's so powerful, it could light a Springsteen concert." "But for now, it just lights my room." "What are you-- what are you doing?" "I don't understand." "I'll do anything." "Please, don't hurt me." "Shh, shh..." "Why would I hurt you?" "No, no, no, no, no, no!" "So you finished the course?" "Mm-hmm." "And completed my case rotation." "Hotch says he's never seen a rookie profiler analyze and write up cases as well as you." "He said that?" "Yeah." "Well, after all the cases you presented over the years, I'm not surprised." "Hey, where have you been?" "I wanted to do brunch this weekend." "I had to deal with some stuff with my mom." "Have you seen Garcia?" "Uh, she's with Rossi." "He hates me." "Mm, he was just busy." "Let it go." "Ok, you can be honest." "I can take it." "Ok." "I prefer my pasta al dente, and the pancetta was a little weird." "Oh." "That's 'cause it's tofu." "Tofu?" "I give you my recipe and you do an improv?" "No, no, I followed it down to the micron, aside from the pig." "Look, master of all things Italian," "I am having a Fellini festival at my house this weekend and I must serve the beautiful food of his country." "Maybe you should show a Disney film and stick with burgers." "You know, Rossi, you could always give Penelope a cooking lesson." "Oh, my gosh, that would be amazing." "That would be like-- that would be like the Iron Chef meets the BAU." "And we could do it at your house." "I don't have a house," "I have a mansion." "All right, let's get started." "Oh." "All right, mes amis." "You are jetting to Durant, Oklahoma, because in the last 3 days, two women have been found dead after being sexually tortured and then blinded with a sulfuric acid solution." "Abby Elcott is our first victim." "19-year-old art student." "She was headed to campus for an advanced drawing class." "She'd been missing for two days." "Same goes for our second victim, Beth Westerly, 17." "She had just finished her coffee shop shift and was on her way to a bar method class." "Both low-risk victims." "And physically similar." "How close are the two abduction sites?" "5 miles apart at bus stops." "Abby's cell was found near one," "Beth's scarf near the other." "Where are the dump sites?" "One in an alley, the other in a field." "So he stapled their eyes open, then he blinded them." "It's about power and control." "Maybe he didn't want them to watch while he hurt them." "Or it could be about shame." "Perhaps the unsub is disfigured himself." "Blinding the victims leaves them helpless, lost, totally dependent." "It may be a manifestation of how he sees himself in this world." "It is a form of enucleation, just without the scalpel." "His face is the last they see before darkness." "Garcia, come up with a list of jobs that would give the unsub access to sulfuric acid." "The rest of us, wheels up in 30 minutes." "And this is where my brother lives now." "There you are, Cy." "I got you clothes." "Bought you some shampoo and toothpaste." "See?" "We're the perfect American story." "Yeah, yeah, yeah, ok." "Turn that thing off, come on in." "Come on." "Every story has a beginning." "But the part I like best is the end." "♪ Criminal Minds 7x02 ♪ Proof Original Air Date on September 28, 2011" "== sync, corrected by elderman ==" ""If it is a miracle," ""any sort of evidence will answer." "But if it is a fact, proof is necessary."" "Mark Twain." "Victimology is very similar." "Blond-haired, blue-eyed teenage girls." "We believe they were each abducted near public transportation stops." "When was this photo taken?" "Beth was caught on a bank surveillance camera 3 hours before she disappeared." "That's a recent photo of Abby." "So she wasn't found in the same clothes she was abducted in." "Maybe he changed them because hers were burned by the sulfuric acid." "It's possible." "Sulfuric acid can turn human flesh into soap." "Garcia, any recent similar cases in the surrounding area?" "Actually, yes." "Two months ago a prostitute and a runaway were both found raped and killed and they had stab wounds to their eyes." "So maybe he practiced on high-risk victims first." "And then advanced to chemical enucleation." "Isn't that a rare paraphilia?" "Well, the chemical part is." "It would exacerbate the pain." "Like Ed Kemper, he's probably practicing on surrogates before going after the real object of his rage." "Dave, you and I will talk to the parents." "Morgan and Prentiss, go to the disposal sites." "JJ, you and Reid to the abduction sites." "So Beth got off the bus here and headed northwest toward class." "It's amazing no one witnessed her abduction." "Emily was buried 6 feet under and wound up in Paris, so I guess anything's possible, right?" "So that is what this is about." "Maybe our unsub's a little bit like Bundy." "He feigns injury in order to get her to help him." "Look, Spence, if you want to talk about this-- maybe he tried other tactics, like, "Wow, you're really pretty." ""You should be a model." "I can take your photo." "I'll take that as a no." "Either one would disarm her." "Charm is quite the killer." "So are tears." "Whatever his ruse was, the unsub mostly likely used it to get her into his vehicle." "Well, if Abby was last seen at a bus stop a few miles away, then he definitely has a means of transportation." "Hopefully the disposal site will tell us more." "So what do you have, Detective Bonner?" "Beth's body was found over there." "You smell the urine?" "I thought that was air freshener." "There's drugstore food everywhere." "It's a homeless corridor." "Abby was found in a shantytown as well." "So, our unsub hunts and travels through the areas unnoticed, blending in with his surroundings." "This guy's either homeless or appears to be." "He most likely has a car, to get them from the abduction site to here." "Just because you're homeless doesn't mean you're carless." "It could explain why he chose high-risk victims at first." "They were all around him." "He had her for two days?" "I can't even imagine what she went through." "Why did he blind her?" "That's what we're trying to figure out." "I know this is difficult, but I need you to look at the clothes that Abby was wearing when we found her." "Do you recognize them?" "Do you find anything odd about Beth's clothing?" "They're not Abby's." "You sure?" "I saw her that morning." "She had on a brown and pink sweater." "Beth wouldn't wear denim shorts." "They aren't her style." "You're sure?" "In addition to the blinding, taking their clothes further robs them of their identity." "He's either keeping their garments as souvenirs or re-dressing the victims as a forensic countermeasure." "Dressing them in these outfits could be part of the fantasy." "Where do homeless people get their clothes?" "Churches, thrift stores." "We need to rule everything out." "Whooo!" "I'm a plane!" "I'm a plane!" "You are now entering Dallas International Airport." "Please hold on to your flotation device and fasten your seatbelts!" "Cy, your stuff is right there." "Oh, minty fresh." "I like minty fresh." "We keep buying you toothbrushes, but you clearly aren't using them." "Instead of crashing here every now and again, why don't you just move in?" "I like to be free." "Last night I had a date with two hot twins." "Is that so?" "Why don't you believe me?" "Remember when he said he dated Cyndi Lauper in high school?" "I did, I did, I did!" "How many times do I have to tell you?" "A million, 'cause you always lie." "Hey, guys." "Hi." "Hey, Uncle Cy." "Tammy, how was practice?" "I hit two home runs." "Oh!" "Whoo!" "Hey, Mom, what's the deal with my dress?" "On your bed." "Really?" "Mm-hmm." "Ah!" "Where's she going?" "Homecoming's tomorrow night." "I loved homecoming." "Well, we'll be taking pictures before she leaves." "Why don't you stop by?" "Oh, and maybe I could tape it." "No, that's ok, Cy." "You don't have to." "Why not?" "It'll be fun." "No, no, no." "What would be fun would be if you and I take a break." "I can see the Doctor's working." "Counseling's worth every penny." "Excuse me." "Do you know where Church Street is?" "Uh, you're on Church Street." "Uh-huh." "I am?" "See...you're standing right here." "Just walk." "Shh, shh." "Just walk." "Come on." "This way." "Come on." "Reid and JJ went to the local thrift shop and found Abby's clothes." "So he sold them." "Or traded them for the eighties clothing." "The sales clerk said the clothes in the crime scene photos were of that time period, and he confirmed that they were purchased from his store." "So if he's getting rid of his souvenirs." "What's he using to remember his victims?" "And why is he fixated on this era?" "What do you got?" "The brutality the victims experienced was immense." "Multiple stab wounds to the neck and chest, plus wounds to the genital." "Frustration and overkill." "The same chemical damage on the skin is also around her nostrils." "He poured the sulfuric acid there as well." "And that would destroy their sense of smell, yes?" "Absolutely." "He didn't do that to the first victim." "No, he's escalating." "And blinding isn't his only signature." "No, he's trying to take away their senses." "I like when women scream." "It reminds me of the roller coaster." "I like roller coasters." "Especially in the summertime." "Somebody please help me!" "Somebody!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "What?" "You don't like the way I taste?" "!" "No!" "Well, I can help you with that." "Please, please..." "Somebody help me!" "Somebody please help me!" "No, no." "No..." "Again he's disposing in an area frequented by homeless people." "It's equidistant to the last two dump sites." "He burned her tongue with the chemical this time." "So he removed her ability to taste." "Why would he do that?" "Historically this kind of torture was used to prevent someone from revealing a secret." " Maybe she offended him." " I wonder what that's like." "Her lips are extremely chapped." "She was probably forced to repeatedly participate in some sort of kissing fantasy." "And when things go awry, he takes the offending sense away." "He tortured her in these clothes, which means the eighties are essential to his delusion." "Maybe that's when this rejection occurred and he held on to the clothes all these years." "And now he's attacking girls who remind him of women from that time." "He's fixated on her type and remakes them fit his fantasy." "But why start now?" "Something probably triggered it, and instead of dealing with it, he's acting out." "We believe the unsub or unknown subject that we're looking for is a white male in his 40s." "This is someone who's reacting to rejection by a woman when he was teenager in the 1980s." "He's punishing his victims for their reactions to him by taking away their senses with sulfuric acid." "We believe our unsub could possibly work part-time as a janitor or a mechanic, which would give him access to this chemical." "And after studying the disposal sites, we think it's likely that he is homeless." "Now, how do we typically react toward the homeless?" "We judge them by their looks and smells." "It's that same negative reaction we believe that a woman had toward the unsub at some point in the eighties." "The unsub's fixation on this woman is now all-consuming." "It's caused him to develop obsessive love disorder." "He most likely has tunnel vision and believes that she holds the key to his happiness." "He will stalk her in an attempt to win her back." "He will do whatever it takes to be near his love interest." "But her rejection will spiral him into a depression." "Which would lead to rape and murder of the surrogates who represent her." "And it's only a matter of time before this rage and anger causes the unsub to go after her directly." "Let's go, let's fight, let's win tonight!" "Let's go, let's fight, let's win tonight!" "Let's go, let's fight, let's win tonight!" "Lyla?" "You've got to be kidding!" "Give me a break, Cy." "Leave me alone, Matt!" "Tammy?" "Hello!" "Spence." "Look, we gotta talk about this." "I don't want to talk about it." "I get it, ok?" "You're disappointed with the way we handled Emily." "Listen, I have a lot going on, all right?" "What?" "You know what I think it is?" "You're mad that Hotch and I controlled our micro-expressions at the hospital and you weren't able to detect our deception." "You think it's about my profiling skills?" "Jennifer, listen, the only reason you were able to manage my perceptions is because I trusted you." "I came to your house for 10 weeks in a row crying over losing a friend, and not once did you have the decency to tell me the truth." "I couldn't." "You couldn't?" "Or you wouldn't?" "No, I couldn't." "What if I started taking Dilaudid again?" "Would you have let me?" "You didn't." "Yeah, but I thought about it." "Spence." "I'm sorry." "It's too late, all right?" "Reid." "Oh, Cy, why don't you just crash here?" "I may for a bit." "You know, if mom and dad were alive, they'd make you." "You ought to try and have a nice life." "I have a nice life." "When things get bad, I go out on this ship made of clay." "Of clay, Cy?" "Last night I took another girl out on it." "Yeah?" "When can we meet her?" "Never." "She's dead to me." "What do you think?" "I lightened my hair in your honor Mom." "Oh, my, you're beautiful!" "Where's the camera?" "You look just like your mom did in high school." "That's 'cause I'm wearing the same dress." "Mom cut it shorter." "Ohh..." "So, can I stay out till 2:00?" "Nice try." "You can go to the dance and then the party at the motel, but Debbie's mom's picking you up at midnight." " Ok." " Ok." "Have fun." "Thank you." "It would have had to have been a woman very close to the unsub to make him react this way." "Then why go after surrogates?" "I don't think we're dealing with a typical homeless person." "He's good with chemicals, owns a car." "I think the only mistake in our profile was assuming there was something wrong with his physical composition, reducing him to some sort of stereotype." "You think it's only his mental state?" "I think this guy might be smart enough to use his disability to his advantage so he comes across as harmless." "Then when he's alone and the victim rejects him, he goes off." "What if he doesn't live on the street?" "What if he's in a halfway house?" "Garcia, I need a list of halfway houses and mental health centers in the unsub's comfort zone." "Ok. 5 are being sent to your phones." "Which of those were around in the eighties, Garcia?" "There are two in your area." "Morgan and Prentiss, take the first." "Dave and I will take the second." "What about us?" "Stay here and check ViCAP for similar M.O.s and signatures." "Reid." "If you want to be mad at someone, be mad at me." "I can't." "I didn't come to your house crying for 10 weeks." "I've worked here over 15 years." "There are many people who fit that description." "This guy would be mobile, probably early 40s." "Well, if he's got a car, then he's transitioned out in the last few years." "State budget cuts." "All right, we'll need a list of those names." "It ain't gonna be small." "Hey, Morgan." "Hmm?" "What do I do about Reid?" "Emily, there's a lot about you being back that's unresolved." "Are you pissed at me, too?" "Come on, now." "How can I be?" "You're here." "Thank you." "Because I know what you went through." "Grief counseling." "You carried my coffin." "Yeah, I sure did." "What was in that thing, anyway?" "I don't know." "Here you go." "Thank you very much." "Look, just give Reid some time." "He'll be fine." "Thanks." "Yeah, Hotch, it's me, Morgan." "Listen, 19 people entered this house in the eighties who were let out in the last 5 years." "We got 11 from the one we visited." "Send your names to Garcia." "Have her cross-check them against jobs that use sulfuric acid." "All right." "We'll start reaching out to the extended families." "Ok." "How's Reid?" "He's angry and frustrated." "I'm surprised everybody isn't." "Some of us had an inkling." "What?" "I'm good at what I do." "So, are you gonna get psychological counseling for the team or handle it internally?" "No, I think that if we all just got together, maybe a cooking lesson and at the home of one of one of our founders" "Oh, no, not you, too." "It could boost morale." "Is this an order?" "No, it's just a-- it's a very tempered suggestion." "Tempered suggestion." "Hey, you all right?" "Yeah." "Thanks, Debbie." "I just" "I just need a minute." "Tammy?" "Uncle Cy?" "What are you doing here?" "I--I was just going to buy some beer." "You ok?" "No." "Maybe I should take you home." "I don't want to get in trouble with mom and dad." "You won't." "I'll take care of you." "So we interviewed the 19 people released from the group home." "None of them fit the profile." "Dave's still trying to locate the families." "Tammy Bradstone's parents just filed a report." "Their daughter didn't return from homecoming last night." "Her face is similar to our 3 vics." "She's about the same age." "Well, the after party where she was last seen was smack in the comfort zone." "Where are her parents now?" "They're at the house." "We're bringing her friends in for questioning." "You head over there." "We'll start the interviews here." "I see on the news on the TV, people question, they question why people do this." "It's the same reason people do anything." "'Cause they feel like it." "They like the way it feels." "When I was kid, my dog Poppy running across the grass, when I hit her, I liked that feeling." "That has not changed." "Somebody help me!" "Help!" "Uncle Cy?" "What's happening?" "What did you do to me?" "So kids spill out of the motel toward the cars." "If Tammy walked this way, how could she disappear without anyone seeing her?" "Someone would have heard her scream." "That's if she screamed." "Unlike the last 3 abduction sites, this one is nowhere near public transportation." "Maybe she knew the unsub." "Or thought she did." "What if--what if Tammy was the target all along?" "That would explain the change in the M.O." "So whoever did this knew she was coming here." "Hi, hi, hi." "Hey, baby girl, I need you to work that magic for me." "Anything, my sweetest." "I just opened up Tammy Bradstone's computer." "I want you to check her emails, web searches, and anyone she may have Skyped." "Ok, typing at the speed of thought." "Thanks, mama." "Are you gonna find my sister?" "We're gonna try, little man." "Listen, uh, did your sister dye her hair recently?" "Yeah." "To look nice for the homecoming dance." "She was even gonna wear the same dress my mom did." "Are you sure that Tammy hasn't been behaving differently lately?" "She's 16, so she's pretty closed off." "Your daughter seems to cherish hanging out in groups, so there's no way she would run off with someone unless she knew them." "What about her computer?" "Nothing out of the ordinary, and Hotch cleared the boyfriend." "Do you know anyone who is transient or mentally ill?" "Uh, yeah, my brother." "He didn't get enough oxygen to his brain when he was born." "What's his name?" "Cy Bradstone." "On the halfway house list, all I got was a Ben Bradstone." "Oh, no, yeah, that's his real name." "Cy is the name he made up." "Where does he live?" "He crashes here from time to time, but he's basically homeless." "His frontal lobe damage is one of the indicators of serial killers." "Cy isn't a serial killer." "He wouldn't hurt anybody, especially not my daughter." "Come on." "Come on!" "Shh, shh, shh." "Shh..." "Shh, shh." "Just a little bit further." "I want to tell you a story." "Has Cy ever acted inappropriately toward Tammy?" "No." "I wouldn't let him in here if he had." "Ok, so he sleeps here sometimes, and his head is on this side." "That puts the TV out of his sight." "Since when is that a crime?" "Well, it just gives him a full view of the kitchen." "Does Tammy cook for him?" "No." "Lyla does." "Ma'am, what's your relationship with Cy?" "I've known him since 10th grade." "That was 1985." "He makes you uncomfortable, doesn't he?" "Did you have blond hair in high school?" "Yes." "What are you getting at?" "Sir, your daughter just dyed her hair blond." "You allowed her to wear your dress." "I'm just thinking it may have triggered something for Cy." "What happened with you and Cy that made him so angry?" "Honey, what is it?" "When I was 16, my friends and I went to a party after homecoming." "Everyone had been drinking." "Damn." "I'm seeing stars." "Let's play spin the bottle." "When it was your mom's turn, she spun it and it landed on me." "You should have seen her face." "She lit up like-- like a lite brite." "I didn't know what to do." "My friends laughed, but I didn't want to be mean, so I..." "Went in the closet with him." "And what happened next?" "I let him feel me up." "How did he behave after that?" "He started following me around at school." "Then one day he overheard me tell a friend how gross I thought he was." "How he talked, how he smelled?" "Why didn't you tell me this?" "I was 16." "We had just started dating." "Does Cy know about your recent marital problems?" "I told him a couple months ago." "And then he probably started making advances towards you, which you had to reject." "That's what triggered the killings." "I did this?" "No." "No, ma'am." "The events did." "Does Cy have a part-time job?" "Yeah, he works at a couple garages." "One on Drake, the other on Fourth." "That explains the sulfuric acid." "We'll need those addresses." "Ok." "Excuse me." "Ok, so, as long as Tammy doesn't do anything to antagonize him, we may have a chance." "Oh, my God." "It's you!" "You're the one that my mom told me about." "Uh-huh." "Yes." "You took advantage of her when she was drunk at a party." "No, that's--that's not true." "Yes." "That's probably why she won't touch you now." "That's why she won't touch me?" "Yeah." "Because you forced yourself on her." "Ohh!" "You shouldn't have done that, Tammy." "You should have kept your mouth shut!" "You won't get away with this, Uncle Cy." "They'll find you." "They can't find me, Tammy." "They're not looking for me." "When Cy comes to the house, he gets out of the car and he goes to the door." "Yeah." "How do you know he's here?" "I can hear his truck." "So then you head to the front door." "Yes." "There you are, Cy." "When you open it, what do you smell?" "He smells musty, like he needs to take a shower." "Are you sure that's all you smell?" "I smell chemicals." "He smells like chemicals." "What does he do next?" "He crushes a cup, and-- and he puts it in his bag." "Where's it from?" "Is there a name on the cup?" "It's a soda from a coffee shop." "The Way Station." "It's down the street." "Ok." "He probably stops there every time he comes here." "What days would those be?" "Monday, Wednesday, and Friday." "Sometimes Saturday." "Which means he'd be coming today." "I need you to leave a message for him there." "I'm going to go get us something to eat." "Don't worry, Tammy." "There are other sports to play." " Any luck?" " He hasn't been to either of the mechanics' shops in the past two months." "But the one on Fourth said a bunch of car batteries had gone missing." "Wait" "Yeah?" "Morgan, it's from a pay phone near a coffee shop." "It's him." "Ok, go ahead." "Just like we talked about." "Hello?" "Hi, it's Cy." "Paulie said you were looking for me." "Lyla, what's wrong, Lyla?" "Matt got arrested." "What?" "Lyla, what are you talking about?" "They think that he hurt Tammy." "Oh, God, Cy." "I need you." "Shh." "Don't--don't cry." "Lyla, don't--don't cry." "Everything's gonna be all right." "I just--I--I need you to, uh, come over here and" "I need you to talk." "I need you to hold me." "You--you do?" "Yes." "I" "Hurry." "I have no one else to turn to." "I'll be there, Lyla." "I'll be there." "He's coming." "You and Prentiss stay with them." "Morgan and I will get the front." "Lyla!" "Lyla." "Shh..." "It's gonna be ok." "Shh." "It's gonna be ok." "Cy Bradstone!" "FBI!" "Put your hands where I can see them!" "Let me see your hands!" "On your knees, now!" "How could you do this to me?" "Get up." "How could you do this to me?" "!" "Stop moving." "Stop it!" "We need to know where Tammy is, Cy." "We've looked in your car." "There's no sign of her." "We know this isn't about Tammy." "This is about your love for Lyla." "Lyla?" "Lie-la!" "You and Lyla had a pretty good secret all these years." "How'd she get you to shut up about it?" "One time." "That's all I needed." "Is that where you, uh, did it, Cy?" "Is that the same place you took Tammy?" "We know when you saw her in that dress, it made you think of Lyla." "Tammy's not the one you want to hurt, Cy." "Lyla's the one that should be punished." "She's the one who made you feel like a freak." "A reject, a weirdo." "Tell us where Tammy is, Cy, and we can be done." "Done?" "Finished." "Finished?" "Well, I can--I can do that." "Under one condition." "Now, where's Tammy, Cy?" "Hey!" "What did you do with my daughter?" "Lyla was an angel." "Like--like a prize in the Crackerjack box." "When she would come into the room, my heart would race." "When I saw Tammy in that dress, it took me back there." "Cy, just tell me where she is." "I took her." "We did things." "Everything was going good un-until she said those words." "What did she say, Cy?" "She said..." "She said the reason her mother always backed up when I came over" "was because she didn't want to feel me touching her." "So guess what I did, Matt." "You guess!" "What did you do, Cy?" "I made it so she couldn't feel either." "Shh, shh, shh." "Aah!" "She screamed so loud." "But no one could hear her." "Where do you have her?" "The same place I told him about my love." "Guess who I went to second base with." "Who, Cy?" "Lyla Smith." "Bull!" "Get back here." "Why don't you believe me?" "Because you lie!" "You never told me that." "Yes, I did, yes, I did, yes, I did!" "But you thought I was lying and then you married my girl!" "So this is what you do, Cy?" "Why didn't you just hurt me?" "I take away your senses, Matt." "The last one is hearing." "And if I take that, you wouldn't be able to listen to what I did to her." "You son of a bitch!" "You taped-- you taped my daughter?" "!" " You son of a bitch!" " You son of a bitch!" "You son of a bitch!" "Ha ha ha ha!" "Clear!" "She's got a pulse." "I need a medic in here!" "Oh, jeez." "Scott Adams wrote," ""Nothing inspires forgiveness quite like revenge."" "So, the surgeon said he believes he can restore feeling to Tammy's hands." "Good." "We got there in time." "I heard Mr. Bradstone wants to watch the tape." "People have an innate curiosity to see things in order to confirm them." "Oh, that explains why I'm going to Rossi's tomorrow night." "I want to see if he really can cook." "You coming?" "I don't know." "I'm not so sure I can make it." "Look, Reid, I know you're mad at us because we didn't tell you what really happened, and I understand that." "But I promise you, we had no choice." "You mourned the loss of a friend." "I mourned the loss of 6." "This whole thing gave me an ulcer." "Please don't give me another one." "Are you gonna go to Rossi's tomorrow?" "We'll see." "Now, Matt, you might not want to watch this." "But this is what I'm going to do to your daughter." "But what I did with your wife, now, that's a tape you should see." "No!" "Stop!" "Shh, shh..." "Aah!" "Stop!" "Cooking is the most sensual art form." "And these are my paints." "So your hands must be brushes." "Don't interrupt." "In a pot of boiling water we cook our spaghetti until it's al dente, firm to the tooth." "Here you go." "Everybody pass it around." "See?" "Feel the texture." "There we go." "Ok." "Now..." "In a large pan, we fry up our pancetta." "Keeping a sharp eye that the edges are crisp." "But careful not to burn the onions." "Bravo, Aaron!" "We saute until translucence." "Uh--I got it." "Grazie mille." "Uh-uh-uh!" "[Dean Martin's "Mambo Italiano" plays in background]" "Now, we mix in the eggs... the parmesan... the spaghett... and parsley." "You see, it's all about timing and rhythm." "And if you don't feel yourself doing it properly, please, order a pizza." "Sorry I'm late." "Yeah." "And this is why I cook alone." "So, uh, when do we get to drink the wine?" "Almost there." "Ok." "We start at the beginning." "You eat what you cook," "I'll supervise, but we're gonna do this all together, just like a family." "Ok now?" "Now." "Salud!" "♪ Mambo Italiano ♪" "Salud!" "♪ Mambo Italiano, ho ho ho ♪" "♪ you mixed-up Siciliano ♪" "All right." "Whoa!" "I'm reaching!" "♪ You get happy in the Fiji ♪" "♪ when you mambo Italiano ♪" "== sync, corrected by elderman =="