"You're about to be cancelled, Leebarian - permanently!" "Nine years ago you faked the ratings on your precious poetry channel." "Because you're culture-less bastards!" "How appropriate the last living Leebarian is going to die on TV World." "Your crap shows never rated, your crap planet is destroyed, and now your crap life is about to end!" "You Leesterians always faked your ratings!" "You started this war, and now, the last living Leesterian will pay the final price." "We did not have to fake our ratings, because we were not dull, dull, dull!" "A commercial on Leeber was far more entertaining than an entire network on the planet Leester!" "Was it worth faking your ratings?" "Was it worth causing a war that destroyed two planets?" "I wanna hear it from your mouth, that it was worth it, before you die!" "You're the ones who faked the ratings " "culture-less Leebarian vermin!" "Apology accepted." "I die, in peace." "Let it be known for all time that there were once two planets in this system." "The planet Leester made great television shows." "The planet Leeber made crap." "They had to fake the ratings." "They had to fake the ratings." "Let it be known for all time that there were once two planets in this system." "The planet Leester made great television shows." "The planet Leeber made crap." "They had to fake the ratings." "They had to fake the ratings." "Let it be known for all time that there were once two planets in this system." "The planet Leester made great television shows." "The planet Leeber made crap..." "They had to fake the ratings..." "They had to fake the ratings..." "They had to fake the ratings..." "They had to fake the ratings." "790?" "I don't know, dream cake." "It could be a weak nearby signal" "Their planet made crap..." "Why not try me, Slinka - And me, Yoyo " "Are you looking for some fun?" "Can't we just blow it up?" "This is all just such a bad idea." "I vote against landing, who's with me?" "I vote we land." "People have clearly been here." "Well, where are they now?" "790, this is probably a bad place for Xev." "I am forced to agree with the decaying sack of carbon, dearest." "I vote we return to the Lexx." "Stan - what have you got to lose?" "My life!" "I change my vote!" "I say we land." "Two against one, Stan." "Coming?" "Well, checked it out - no-one here." "Welcome to TV World!" "Are you looking for some fun?" "Hi, I'm CG, vice president of programming on TV World." "Are you ready to play?" "Of course, sitting at home on Leester or Leeber - beautiful planets, both - you've wondered what it would be like to be that special character you've always wanted to play, otherwise you would not have paid the affordable fee to be here on TV World." "Well now, here you are - so live out your fantasy!" "What is it, 790?" "A clearly insincere promotion inviting us to participate in some sort of role playing game." "I calculate it was intended to provide amusement for inhabitants of planets that are now destroyed." "A big part of the fun is in choosing just the right show for you." "And the more fun you have on that show, the better your ratings." "And the better your ratings, the more fun it is for you - and all of us." "Hey - why not?" "Some players may fail to have high ratings and will become permanent members of our studio audience." "Wait!" "Excuse me, do you have any idea what you're doing?" "You don't know what's behind that door!" "Yes I do - fun!" "Just like he said." "Without you, stunned one." "But what if it's a trap?" "!" "Stan" " I grew up in a box." "I've got a lot of experiences to make up." "You have chosen" " Boy School!" "Name, please." "Xev." "Xev of B3K." "And 790." "We are sorry - only one role is available to be cast in each show." "But I'm not a person." "I am 790 - reduced by circumstance to a mere head, but enlarged with love to worship my darling Xev." "We are sorry - only one role is available to be cast in each show." "You must wait until this episode is finished, and then you too can play!" "Here." "Don't leave me here with him!" "You keep each other company for a while." "Stir fry my circuits instead!" "Tweedle!" "Enrol me in Boy School immediately." "They said there was only one role on each show." "Do it, bentobrain!" "We are sorry - only one role is available to be cast in each show." "You must wait until this episode is finished, and then you too can play!" "I don't want any of these, I want to be with Xev!" "So sad." "You have chosen" " Talk Time!" "Good choice!" "No!" "Tweedle!" "This isn't Boy School!" "I'm glad." "Every time." "Every time!" "She doesn't learn a thing." "Hi there!" "You could be our perfect roomie." "Why not join me, Slinka - And me, Yoyo " "On Girl Time!" "Who is it?" "Stanley Tweedle." "Oops!" "You're not the landlord." "The landlord, no." "We thought you were the landlord, Mr Beetle." "If I was the landlord, you wouldn't have to pay any rent." "Who is it, Slinka?" "It's Stanley Tweedle, Yoyo." "Who?" "Stanley Tweedle, captain of the most - potent, spaceship of all time." "I'm Slinka." "I'm Yoyo." "Hi." "We need a new roommate." "Er - do you have any openings?" "So - what're you going to teach us today, Mistress Xev?" "I'm a graduate of the wife bank." "I know exactly what I'm going to do." "I'm going to start with basic teasing then move on to basic squeezing" "and end up in advanced pleasing." "So - when do I graduate?" "You can take an oral exam right now, if you want." "Congratulations, Xev!" "You have received a 96 rating." "This is fun!" "You have qualified for prime time exposure." "I want more." "Turn them back on." "I get that a lot." "So - where were we?" "Our new room mate must be firm." "Are you firm?" "Yeah, I can be pretty firm when I have to be." "Our new room mate must also be sensitive." "Are you sensitive?" "Parts of me are very sensitive." "You remember our last room mate, don't you Yoyo?" "I do Slinka." "The poor man, he just wasn't firm" "Or sensitive" " When he had to be." "Which was much of the time." "So" " Stanley Tweedle, is it?" "Yeah." "Can you leave us a deposit?" "A deposit?" "Yeah, I think I could, er, I could manage to leave you a deposit, you know, if I'm the guy that - er, um, if - the thing, if I'm the guy you're looking for, I could " "It's the landlord, Mr Beetle!" "This time I catch you sluts red handed!" "A pair of filthy sluts, both of you." "And you, Mr Funny Funny - what kind of degenerate are you?" "Er" " I can explain." "See - er, what we have here is - um - er, it's a " "Too bad, Stanley Tweedle." "Girl Time is cancelled." "Your ratings were a little bit too low." "In fact, they were a lot too low." "Gimme another chance." "I can be funny, really I can." "Did I ever tell you about the time that I accidentally sent an entire family to a prisoner docking bay on the Cluster?" "Boy, did I get demerit points!" "But hey Stanley Tweedle - prime time is very competitive." "You will get a new daytime show!" "Xev." "Xev Bellringer of B3K." "Never has there been a lovelier representation of the human female form." "Never has there been seen a more perfect geometry in a human face." "Your first guest is award winning actor, Noch Einmal." "Who are you?" "Thanks." "It's really great to be here - on your show." "Have you seen Xev?" "Thanks." "It's really great to be here - on your show." "Xev, you artificial excuse for an actor!" "Xev!" "Darling, wonderful, gorgeous Xev!" "Thanks." "It's really great to be here - on your show." "Thanks." "It's really great to be here - on your show." "Somebody forgot to wear clean underwear." "Dr Stanley Tweedle - did you tell your wife about us?" "About the times we ravaged each other in the bathroom at the embassy, and when we made violent torrid love while hiding in the sewers?" "Does she know about our wonderful, terrible secret?" "Actually, she said - it was OK if you and me ripped off a piece - right here in the hospital even." "Oh, Stanley Tweedle." "Dr Stanley Tweedle, we must begin the surgery before it's too late." "Stanley Tweedle!" "How could you?" "!" "What?" "After all we've been through, with the lies, and the drinking, and the cheap scenes with your whores!" "I will always love you, Stanley Tweedle." "Bitch!" "Oh boy." "Too bad, Stanley Tweedle." "Heartbreak Hospital is cancelled." "Your ratings were a little bit too low." "Fantastic Xev!" "You are getting excellent ratings." "You are entitled to this showcase of your many talents." "Just be yourself, Xev." "And now, what you have all been waiting for - it's" " The Xev Show!" "Hello everybody." "Hello, boys." "Hello, Xev!" "I have nice breasts." "Technically you have breasts - but can your puffy bags even remotely compare to the bouncy bosoms of my dream boat on the river of love?" "Thousands would kill, buster." "I want XEV!" "You all like balloons, don't you kids?" "We sure do, Farty!" "And how about you, Diapers?" "Which do you like more - balloons, or making a big boo boo in your bummy?" "Actually, I'm not real big on either one, Farty." "Oh, come on Diapers - don't be such a big baby!" "You know, there is an absolute limit to the kind of crap I am prepared to take from a fat stupid wind-up clown who isn't even funny " "Your bum stinks, Diapers!" "and a bunch of idiot android kids," "I'm not gonna do it, do you hear?" "I am not gonna play this game anymore!" "Oh, come on Diapers - don't be such a big baby!" "Too bad, Stanley Tweedle." "Your ratings do not qualify you for morning show." "Good!" "Unfortunately, you must now be cast in Speciality Show." "I don't want a speciality show," "I want out." "Too bad, Stanley Tweedle." "You will no longer be cast in shows." "When you came here, you agreed to accept a certain element of risk." "We all know that a game has a sharper edge when the stakes are high." "Our programmes are broadcast throughout this solar system, exposing you to the possibility of fortune and fame." "The system expects a few guests to perform poorly - which you have, Stanley Tweedle." "But Stanley Tweedle, as a consolation prize, you'll get to watch lots of great shows, by being a permanent member of our studio audience." "And in order to join in those laughing faces, you will now get to play in my favourite programme of all - Speciality Show!" "I don't think so." "I'm outta here." "Hey Skooch - did you just hear something?" "Yeah." "I think it was my stomach." "Must be lunch time." "What have we here, Skooch?" "Get a load of this, Captain." "Mr Funny Funny here thinks " "No - don't tell me - let me guess." "I think there's been a misunderstanding." "A scum bag!" "And tonight, right here on Speciality Show, you get to see one more scum bag bite the dust." "Wait just a second here now " "Hey Skooch - did you just hear something?" "Yeah." "I think it was my stomach." "Must be lunch time" "What have we here, Skooch?" "Get a load of this, Captain." "Mr Funny Funny here thinks " "No - don't tell me - let me guess." "What do we do with scum bags, Skooch?" "We separate their smiling faces from the rest of their body, Captain." "That's right." "We decapitate them." "Do you understand what I mean?" "But I didn't do anything!" "You see, our viewers understand perfectly well how you got here." "You didn't rate but this time, he will." "But I don't wanna rate!" "And then I was taken to the marriage unit." "It was to be my big day." "But my husband - he called me a cow." "So I punched him out." "I don't know what came over me, all my wife bank training just left me, I just - did it." "Stan - well, Stan is nice enough in his own way, but - he does nothing for me, you know, sexually speaking - which logically he should, since I have an accelerated libido." "Kai, on the other hand - that's a different story." "But Kai is dead." "You know - it's not easy being programmed to love, and - never finding it." "I guess pretty girls can be lonely too." "Too bad, Xev - but the Xev Show has been cancelled." "What?" "Me?" "But hey Xev" " I will find you a new show!" "What new show?" "Xev, you pathetic cartoons!" "Xev!" "You are without question the most idiotic substitutions for a life form " "Tweedle excepted - that I have ever had the misfortune to come across." "I want XEV!" "Your next guest is " "Shut up!" "I want Xev!" "Too bad, 790." "Talk Time has been cancelled." "Thank goodness." "Your ratings are insufficient." "Where's Xev?" "!" "Do not worry 790." "We will get you a new show!" "Darling" " I will find you." "Who is it?" "Where's Stanley Tweedle?" "Oops!" "You're not the landlord." "We thought you were the landlord, Mr Beetle." "Who is it, Slinka?" "It'sWhere's Stanley Tweedle, Yoyo." "Who?" "I'm Slinka." "I'm Yoyo." "We need a new roommate." "Where's Stanley Tweedle?" "It's the landlord, Mr Beetle!" "This time I ca - ca- aught you sluts red handed!" "A pair of filthy sluts, the both of you." "And you, Mr Funny Funny " "I am not funny." "Oh, Where's Stanley Tweedle." "Dr Where's Stanley Tweedle, we must begin the surgery before it's too late." "Where's Stanley Tweedle!" "How could you?" "!" "What?" "After all we've been through, with the lies, and the drinking, and the cheap scenes with your whores!" "I am not - sentimental." "Are you ready to spin?" "Yeah!" "Are you ready to win?" "Yeah!" "Well, let's go!" "Please help me find Xev." "XXEVVV!" "Too bad, 790." "Your ratings do not qualify you for morning TV." "Unfortunately you will now be cast in Speciality Show." "Would Speciality Show have a Xev in it, by any chance?" "You all like balloons, don't you kids?" "We sure do, Farty!" "And how about you, Diapers?" "Which do you like more - balloons, or making a big boo boo in your bummy?" "I am not " "Actually" " I remember having a fondness for balloons." "Any last words, scum bag?" "Please don't do this." "I suggest you try to find Xev." "Now that's entertainment!" "Join us next time for another exciting episode of Speciality Show!" "Kai?" "Kai?" "Xev." "Diapers!" "Would you like a balloon, Diapers?" "Oh, I love balloons, Farty." "Now remember kiddies - don't try this at home!" "Congratulations, Stanley!" "You have qualified to move up in the ratings." "Wow!" "Lucky me!" "Yes Xev." "This is tremendous." "Isn't Xev tremendous?" "Any last words, scum bag?" "Yes." "Xev Xev Xev Xev Xev ....!" "Now that's entertainment!" "Xev - make us laugh." "Kai!" "790." "Have you seen Xev?" "She's right in front of you - on TV." "Oh, sweet angel mine!" "Xev is funny, don't you think?" "Oh, stop it Xev!" "It only took me seconds - but of course it would take you months or even years to have a figure like mine." "My body - is a perfect body." "Perfect in every way." "See I don't have to exercise." "It just doesn't make any difference." "So, I'm going to sit down, and you can watch me - relax." "Now what?" "Too bad, Xev." "Super Stretch and Bounce has been cancelled." "That's because I don't want to do Super Stretch and Bounce." "I want to finish my show, the Xev Show." "Your ratings do not qualify you for morning shows." "Unfortunately you must now be cast on Speciality Show." "Foulness!" "Despair!" "Murder!" "Evil!" "Help!" "Hold it." "Before you say anything," "I'm looking for a gorgeous woman named Xev." "Now what's the quickest way out of here?" "I'll always love you, Stanley Tweedle." "Kai?" "!" "Stanley Tweedle!" "How could you?" "!" "Sorry honey, I only want you for your body." "After all we've been through." "With the lies, and the drinking, and the cheap scenes with your whores." "Congratulations, Stanley!" "You have qualified to move up in the ratings." "Yeah yeah, someday I'm gonna be a big star, right." "You will now get to play in myfavourite programme of all" " Speciality Show!" "Hey Skooch - did you just hear something?" "Yeah." "I think it was my stomach." "Must be lunch time." "Oh, yeah." "What have we here, Skooch?" "Get a load of this, Captain." "Miss Funny Beautiful here " "No - don't tell me - let me guess." "A scum bag!" "Xev - show." "Xev - show." "Well, tonight, right here on Speciality Show, you get to see one more scum bag bite the dust." "What do we do with scum bags, Skooch?" "We separate their smiling faces from the rest of their body, Captain." "That's right." "We decapitate them." "Do you understand what I mean?" "Any last words, scum bag?" "Not for you." "Stan." "Who's the scum bag now, tough guy?" "So - having fun yet?" "Now that's entertainment!" "I thought you were wonderful, Xev" "Thanks." "It's - it's hard to explain, but when I was up there on stage, all alone," "I really felt that I was - special." "You are the most special creature ever created." "It was all artificial, they weren't really alive." "Being alive isn't everything."