"[ Italian accent ] Grazie!" "Grazie!" "[ Gasps ]" "Aaaah!" "[ Grunting ]" "[ Laughs ]" "[ Audience groans ]" "[ Groans ]" "♪ Oh, life on the outside ain't what it used to be ♪" "♪ you know, the world's gone crazy, and it ain't safe on the street ♪" "♪ oh!" "♪" "♪ well, it's a drag, and I know there's only one place to go ♪" "♪ I'm coming home ♪" "♪ whoa, yeah ♪" "♪ I'm coming home ♪" "Jared:" "Welcome, cons, johns, and mafia dons!" "Jared here, live from Superjail's greatest spectacle of sporting." "Tell us why we're here, Alice." "Alice:" "Nuh." "Jared:" "That's right -- it's time for the Superjail" "Grand Prix, the one time of year where breakouts and suicides are replaced with elbow grease and imagination." "These custom-built cars are about to race for the prize only a prison can give -- freedom!" "That is, if you-know-who doesn't beat them to the finish." "To date, our warden is the Superjail Grand Prix's undefeated champ." "But it's not a crime to dream, boys." "Alice:" "Nope -- just stupid." "Have you got the warden-mobile's final component?" "Oh!" "What-a the hell, eh?" "Warden:" "Hell?" "[ Laughs ]" "Oh, no." "You flatter me." "This is merely Superjail." "I am the warden -- jailer/ racing enthusiast, and you've got a job to do." "Jared:" "Yes, sir!" "If I were still a betting man, the money I'd steal from my co-workers would be on lord stingray, whose villainous vehicle, the stinger, is the odds-on favorite." "What do you say, big "A"?" "Is Stingray the man to beat this year?" "Alice:" "I don't know." "Warden:" "You heard the lady!" "I did-a not-a see nor hear a lady!" "Warden:" "Look, I need a ringer to win this." "You've got glory and acclaim to spare." "All I want is to borrow some." "If you win the race in my guise, I'll have my victory, and you'll be allowed to go free!" "Warden:" "Did I mention I'd throw in a whole truckload of cigarettes on those fancy holder things?" "Uh-oh!" "Wardrobe!" "My, my -- a dead ringer!" "Hmm." "Except for one thing." "[ Gasps ]" "My-a racer's mustache!" "How-a dare -- [ Knock on door ]" "Warden:" "Quick -- someone's coming." "Pretend you're me and exude an air of intimidating brilliance." "So, this is the competition?" "Nice wind-up toy, warden." "All it needs is a new hood ornament!" "[ Snorts, spits ]" "Eat my dust, loser!" "[ Laughs ]" "This-a Stinkray of yours is a disgrace." "I will-a shame him on the track!" "Warden:" "Yeah!" "Now you're talking almost my language!" "Jared:" "Tension is building as the incarcerated racers take their place." "Alice:" "You know, we get paid the same no matter how much we talk." "Jared:" "There's the checkered flag, and Ash takes the lead!" "Looks like he's coming into that first turn a little hot, folks." "Whoa!" "Oh!" "Aaaaaaah!" "Jared:" "He'll figure out how to turn one of these years, Alice." "Alice:" "Doubt it." "[ Tires screech ]" "Warden:" "Not bad!" "Santo Giuseppe!" "You still back there?" "!" "Warden:" "Where else would your navigator be?" "If I can't feed you inside information on how I designed the track, I'd practically be cheating!" "Nobody tell-a Franco how to race!" "Warden:" "Can I at least "tell-a" you to "keep-a" your eyes on the "road-a"?" "Jared:" "And here come the pack through ambush alley!" "Alice:" "This ought to get the death toll off and running." "This a-track -- she cannot be tamed!" "Ridiculo!" "Warden:" "Quick -- avoid factors of 7!" "14!" "21!" "28!" "35!" "42!" "At the Superjail Grand Prix!" "Just look how close our fans get to the action!" "Hey, is that my office?" "!" "Ah [Bleep] Damn it!" "[ Tires screech ]" "[ Indistinct shouting ]" "[ Tires squeal ]" "Oh, Zucchini's hurt!" "He's hurt bad!" "[Bleep]" "Aaaaaah!" "[ Laughs ]" "Excellent work, hench-bitch!" "Warden:" "This turn isn't on the course." "Why -- dear lord -- the loafer!" "Jared:" "Ah, yes, the loafer, the man-to-lunch-meat maker." "Guess now we know what's for dinner!" "Ooh!" "That's got to hurt!" "Warden:" "Somebody threw us off!" "Stingray!" "Jared:" "Uh-oh." "Here comes a double dose of trouble." "Poo." "I've got human juice on my chaos orb." "It makes a fine racing stripe." "Agreed." "Aaaaaah!" "Jean, I can't wait till we win our freedom." "We're gonna have a beautiful house on the beach." "We'll have a lovely garden for entertaining." "Oh, with a koi pond." "Yeah, and a nice carport to show off this bad boy." "Uh, no." "I don't see any room in here for a baby seat." "Do you?" "You got to be kidding me." "You like your dick?" "'Cause the last man who laughed at me, I cut it off and stuffed it in his neck -- that I slit." "Jared:" "There's plenty more excitement ahead as our racers venture into Superjail's annexed outer zones!" "Alice:" "Not if Doodles and Captain Fuzz button have anything to say about it." "[ Groans ]" "Warden:" "Just look at him!" "Thinks he can manhandle my race!" "This-a course is-a madness!" "Look at the laser!" "I'm-a racing with-a dinosaur now!" "Warden:" "Oh, you'll want to take the big guy on the left." "Jared:" "That can only mean one thing -- a mirror world, where tiny dangers live larger than life." "Warden:" "The yellow button!" "Hurry!" "Hey-a, you call this-a racing?" "!" "The track " " I can-a barely feel her!" "Jared:" "And out they come." "Stingray looking very strong, as I predicted." "Pretty resourceful, but where is the style?" "Warden:" "Will you get it together?" "!" "Don't they have parasite drones where you're from?" "!" "Ugh!" "[ Coughs ]" "Jailbot!" "Pit stop!" "[ Tires screech ]" "Jared:" "Looks like an unscheduled pit stop from the warden." "What do you think his strategy is here, Alice?" "Alice:" "I don't know." "Freaking car's on fire." "[ Tires screech ]" "Warden:" "Hey, let's go!" "We're ready to -- what the hell?" "!" "What?" "You expect I get-a my second wind just like that?" "Guardiano, racing is-a no mere game!" "A racer lives, loves, and dies on-a the track!" "Hey!" "Vincenzo, Albertino, Antony!" "Come, my beautiful bastards!" "Break-a bread with-a your papa, huh?" "Warden:" "Aw, come on!" "Jared:" "Well, this is certainly a pleasant change of pace for our road-- yowza!" "Alice:" "Okay!" "I thought this part was gonna be totally lame." "Hey, there, little buddy." "I got some candy inside." "Do you like candy?" "[ Growls, roars ]" "Baby, get back in the car!" "I didn't mean it!" "Of course I want to be with you on the outside!" "No!" "Go win your stupid race with that -- that...awful truck you love so much!" "What?" "!" "I can't hear you, damn it!" "Oh, so now you suddenly can't hear me." "Baby, look out!" "Oh, Jean." "You really do care!" "Alice:" "Yuck." "This zone looks nastier than the level-C bathrooms." "Jared:" "The acid swamps are home to all of Superjail's septic and chemical runoff." "But that won't stop some plucky racers from trying to find a shortcut." "Alice:" "Yeah -- to death." "Jared:" "No bones about it!" "Ha ha!" "[ Groans ]" "[ Beep ]" "[ Beep ]" "Warden:" "Ugh!" "Disgusting!" "Hold that stink stick of yours outside, would you?" "I've never met someone so unconcerned for the well-being of others!" "Fine." "But one-a little cigarette -- [ Screams ]" "Ha!" "Kiss my acid lake, warden!" "Warden:" "My goodness!" "You need medical attention!" "After you finish the race." "Oh, the track, she's a-made me unable to love her!" "You car!" "Warden:" "What?" "!" "No!" "I can't!" "But-a you win every year!" "You can beat-a the Stinkray if you just believe in yourself!" "Warden:" "No, I mean I can't drive!" "I don't know how!" "I hire a ringer every year!" "Then this-a year..." "You learn!" "Jared:" "The warden's got to make a move -- and soon -- if he wants to win the trophy." "All men-a can race, guardiano." "Just do what comes-a natural." "Hands at-a dieci and due!" "[ Beep ]" "Hm." "Good instincts, eh, but raise your grip." "Hold her tight." "She will-a resist, but you must fight her." "Force yourself on her." "[ Tires squeal ]" "Eh..." "A bit aggressive." "You passion " " I like-a your passion, eh?" "Warden:" "Why is it so scary if it feels so good?" "[ Middle Eastern accent ] No matter." "I can still fulfill my divine purpose!" "Jared:" "Oh, God!" "I think he's gonna bl-- oh." "Oh, I-I do love falafel bowls." "But enough about me." "As the racers begin their final ascent up Mount Trutmore -- wait." "What's this?" "I don't believe it!" "If I didn't know any better, I'd say the warden's throwing caution to the wind and blazing forward with no strategy whatsoever!" "Alice:" "Yeah." "Maybe he didn't hire a ringer this year." "Jared:" "Oh, sh-shut up!" "[ Alarm blaring ]" "It's any man's race at this point!" "Stingray and warden are neck and neck!" "But wait -- what's this?" "Amazing!" "It looks like the twins are gonna take the flag in their..." "Alice:" "Pair of balls." "Jared:" "And, boy, they must be pretty excited!" "Bored now." "Me too." "And hungry." "Then let us depart." "And wage a Snack Attack." "Jared:" "Ow!" "An unfortunate accident has left the warden and Stingray again battling for the lead." "This is it, loser!" "Victory is mine!" "Warden:" "Balderdash!" "Victory is mine!" "Aah!" "Jared:" "It looks like both drivers have eschewed vehicles altogether and elected to finish this grueling race mano a mano!" "The warden by a neck!" "Stingray by a nose!" "A photo finish!" "But who is the winner?" "Alice:" "I guess that guy." "Jared: [Bleep]" "My bookie's gonna kill me." "Warden:" "Well, can't win them all, huh, buddy?" "Whoa." "You are not looking so hot." "[ Coughs ]" "Oh." "I always knew I would-a die if I ever lost a race." "And most of my marinara, eh?" "It's-a just as well." "The Superjail Grand Prix -- she's-a ruined me for any other race." "Warden:" "Don't say that." "You still have so much to teach me!" "No, guardiano!" "You pass-a your driver's test." "Reach into my pocket." "She belongs-a to you now." "[ Grunts ]" "I'll go to that big racetrack in the sky!" "Warden:" "What, that one?" "Careful." "Careful!" "No, stupido, no!"