"Once, I was on top of the world." "I was a major-Ieague hedonist and lived like god in Amsterdam." "What could go wrong?" "A Woman Goes to the Doctor" "An ode to love" "PART ONE STIJN  carmen" "I was hard at work one day when she walked in." "The most beautiful woman in the western hemisphere, and far beyond." "Yes, wow!" "Scored!" "So we buy the best Dutch commercials and sell them to foreign companies." "That way we all make money off it." " Great idea." "Who came up with that idea?" " me." "You?" "And why?" " Because of types like you." "Types like me?" "I'm sure you think your clients should have a huge portrait of you on their wall." "Stijn van Diepen..." "from Brabant, I assume?" "Yes..." "Breda." "In the south of holland." "Breda?" " A small town, 500 km north of Paris." "And you?" "Where are you from?" " Amsterdam." "So you're a real Amsterdammer who thinks the world is flat." "Leave the city and you'II fall off the edge." "A little bit, yes." "But, you wouldn't fall off." "I'd save you." "Barry manilow?" "Or mozart?" " That's an easy one." "Barry manilow." "Stijn!" " What?" "Come on!" " Wait." "Rock on!" "Best day of the year?" "In February, of course...carnival." "really." " carnival?" "Anything goes." "Anything you Iike." "So I'm not scared of anything, anything is possible." "One cup." "really." "I'm so thirsty." "really." "No, wait!" "How do you Iike your tea?" "I want to marry her." " You?" "marry?" "Stijn, I don't think that's a good idea." " But I Iove her!" "And I want a child from her!" "For better, for worse!" "In sickness and in health." "until death do you part." " I do." "my wife had a passion for life." "Life was a party." "Every day." "Apart from that one day..." "Bastard!" "You fucked Sharon with the droopy tits?" "!" "Gross." "How often." " well, twice?" "Twice?" "!" "You and your two times." "bullshit, Stijn." "How often?" " Carmen!" "We onIyjust moved in together!" "What's wrong with you?" "I only love you." "She was some ugly chick." "No, don't!" "I will!" " Stop, stop!" "From then on, Carmen knew I'd never be faithful." "She decided to tolerate my cheating as a bad habit." "One guy picks his nose, another cheats." "Something like that." "Branding at Work, this is Frank." "I started an ad agency with Frank." ""Branding at Work"." "The money poured in." "Buckets of it." "No: by the container load." "We moved to AmsteIveen." "I hate AmsteIveen." "Hey Stijn!" "congratulations!" "This is brilliant!" "The reason for buying a house with a yard made up for a Iot:" "Luna, light of my Iife." "fortunately Frank and I regularly went abroad on business looking for inspiration maintaining contact with clients and generating new business." "Women could touch me anywhere, except my heart." "my heart belonged to Carmen." "Frank's my best friend, but with the opposite Iibido." "He's not interested in fucking." "That seems to exist." "This is Ramon." "The same breed as me." "I had everything under control..." "Where were you?" " LosAngeIes." "Okay." "Shit!" "Stop." "Stop now!" "Stijn, text message!" "What?" " Text message!" "Some guy Frank." " What does he say?" ""Look in your left pocket."" "There's another message." ""I mean your right pocket..."" ""Stijn, Stijn." "Don't do it anymore."" "I had everything under control." "Hey!" "Here we are again." "Hi gorgeous..." "I missed you, you know." "Hey, what's up?" "I spoke to the doctor about my breast." "We have to go by." "It's really not good." "It's malignant." "We'II have to investigate the best treatment." "We have to test lungs, liver, lymph glands, and then decide which chemo to use at which intervals how much time in between." "That depends on your condition." "We need to know how progressive it is." "maybe I'II go bald." "AII over?" "It's so strange." "I don't feel ill." "There'sjust something in my breast that's bad and I can't control it." "That's so weird." "Lymph glands?" " Lymphyes, test my Iymphs." "And then they can see what the next step is." "Whether that's chemo or whatever..." "Carmen is so strong..." " Anyone for bubbly?" "Come on, guys!" "She's not going to die!" "It doesn't look good." "inflammatory breast cancer." "But we can try several techniques." " 2/3rds survive, don't they?" "Who says so?" " It's on Internet!" "survival rates are lower for this type of cancer." "Can't you just remove it?" "Take my breast off." "The tumour's too big and we can't see how the cells have spread." "We have to start chemo as soon as possible and then we'II see..." "What a nice place..." "Good morning!" "I'm Jeanine." " Carmen." "Hi, I'm Stijn..." " Today's the big day." "It won't take long." "Your arteries lie very deep." "Chemo was no fun, but I'd promised Carmen I'd be there, every time." "She was relieved and said it was sweet of me to want to come." ""Want" isn't the right word." "The only thing I wanted less was for her to go alone." "You don't want to give it a kiss?" "I'II give it a kiss..." "He was about to give it a kiss when he jumped on its head..." "Carmen, it's only work!" "Sweetheart..." "Okay?" "Here we go..." "If you think about it, it's brilliant." "Like so many good ideas, why wasn't it done before?" "Anyway, one day Carmen came in and opened our eyes." "We're going to watch a presentation." "Carmen will provide a brief introduction." "Carmen?" "Good morning." "This commercial was conceived by Branding at Work and was very successful in the benelux." "The campaign has already ended." "The film has been in a drawer for two years." "Let's look at the film." " Yes." "No one can see it." "Are you sure?" " Francois, get cutting." "voila!" "Fuck..." "It looks pretty good from this side." " Wash and wave, please?" "I'II see what we can do, madam." "So ugly..." "Sorry..." "There's mum." "hello, darling." "Don't be scared, sweetie." "mummy's wearing a hat now, you see?" "Look." "Isn't that weird?" " She's like a hedgehog!" "See?" "You want to feel?" " Come on, just feel." "It's a little prickly." " Does it feel strange?" "Here it comes." "Shake it about..." "Isn't that strange?" " Isn't it lovely?" "You want to feel again?" "You want to feel my hair?" " Go on, it's soft!" "No?" "Is it a bit scary?" "Hey Luna!" "Okay, for Frank?" " well..." "Okay then. marilyn monroe!" "New hair?" " Yes." "Pretty, isn't it." "It sure is!" "It itches like mad!" " It does?" "Yes." " But blonde looks good on you." "Thank you." " It's better." "What?" "Dr ScheItema was satisfied with the result of the four chemos." "She finally believed what I'd said for months. my Carmen is stronger than that cancer." "HaIf-time:" "Cancer 0" " Carmen 1 !" "Now we are ready for the second half!" "RADIATION" "Here you go..." "Come on, mrs van Diepen." "Radiation." "A precision bombing of the tumour." "The way TV showed Americans blowing up buildings in Iraq and then 28 times." "Start at the bottom?" " I'II say stop." "Here we go." "It's glued tight." " Yes." "Okay?" "Yes, it doesn't hurt as much." "I'm just going into town for a bit." " Okay." "meet carol... meet Esther." "I told you about Stijn." "carol?" "So you must be Esther." "5missedcalls from Carmen" "Take it easy..." "Are you okay?" "I'II get a towel?" "calm down." "If he touches your tits, I'II beat him up." "I only operate if I'm sure it increases the chance of survival." "I'm afraid we can't save the breast in your case." "Don't underestimate amputation." "You're a beautiful woman." "Young..." "It leaves you maimed." "After treatment we can use cosmetic surgery and an implant to make a new breast." "until then, you can use a prosthesis." "I think we have to do it." "I can do the surgery nine days from now." "Soon you'II only have one." "I'd rather have you with one tit than not at all." "But you're a titty man." "I'm afraid." "amputation" "No complications." "It's healing well." "I'II leave you two alone." "They say the folds will fade." "It's ugly, isn't it?" "well, it's not really... pretty." "No." "No, it's not really pretty!" "Good afternoon." "How did it go?" "well, Frank." "It was fun." "We laughed our heads off." "How is Carmen?" " well, just great!" "Stijn, the papers for..." " Later." "What?" "Sign this?" " Fine." "The client okayed the budget?" "No, I haven't heard." " Dammit!" "Then call them!" "Christ!" "Do I have to do everything in this fucking place?" "!" "New Year's Eve." "'Change of the sexes':" "Frank's idea." "He thought people would loosen up." "We needed that." "Our life had become a cancer." "The king and queen hedonists had changed into patient and caregiver." "Our days consisted of hospitals, puke, drying tears and cleaning burns." "Carmen thought Frank's idea was perfect." "For the first time in months she was free." "Free of cancer and free of me." "Ten, nine, eight seven, six, five, four three, two, one..." "Zero!" "Happy New Hair!" "Be honest." "Say how you feel." " I want a carefree evening." "I don't want to be pitied by people." ""There's the girl with cancer."" " They don't say that." "It's no fun!" "Come on, you want to put on a show all evening?" "Leave me alone, man!" "I don't know." "What do you want me to say?" "What about me?" "should I sit there and show people my scar?" "Am I afraid to die?" "Yes, of course I am!" "I think about it every day!" "Of course I'm scared of dying!" "Hey!" "You're not going to die!" "You're going to fight!" "You don't know what it's like to be afraid." "I'm terrified all day..." " Get in the car!" "Leave me alone!" "Carmen, get in the car, now." " Leave me alone, man!" "Carmen, please Stop!" " Look at my cancer head!" "Stop, stop." "Just look at my cancer head." "Sorry..." "It's going ahead, we booked." "The whole office is going to New York." "A week's farewell trip." "Nice plan!" " Sure..." "I'm glad I don't have to work for a while." "You?" "I'II be glad when our life is back to normal." "Carmen and I still enjoyed life but not together." "PART 2" " STIJN  carmen and STIJN  ROSE" "Every year, I see her and fall in love with her at carnival." "Every year, she rejects me with a smile." "Rose from Amsterdam!" "Going to hit on me again?" "I wouldn't dare." "You hate wedding rings." " That's true." "We could chat." "Chat?" "It won't get any more platonic than that!" "Hello Tiger." "Platonic drink on Friday?" "Stijn..." "Come on, we must go." "Stijn!" "Come on, we're going." "Yes, I'm coming!" " We're already late." "Good evening, madam." "Good evening, sir." "Nice of you to come." "welcome to our..." "Iair." "Do people work here?" " Yes, usually." "What do they do?" " I can explain that." "most people who learn a real trade make things." "We make hours, not things." "At least, I hire people to." "Young dogs, just as fanatical as I was in the past when playing soccer." " The picture on your right depicts my club's glorious past." "The last game in Amsterdam's beautiful olympic Stadium." "This Champions League match didn't work out." "Nice..." "Wow, wait a second." "No, no, no." "I fear I have to move you definitively from my "to do" tray to my platonic tray." "You're the one who's married." "If I can handle it, there's no problem." "This was a waste of time." "What was I thinking?" "This has to stop." "Now." "shall we have a bite to eat?" "tell me something about your wife." "Not another "my wife doesn't understand me" story..." "No, not really." "It's more a story about cancer." "Carmen has breast cancer." "It started with chemotherapy:" "4 courses, every 3 weeks." "And every time, she had to puke for days until only bile came up." "She lost 10 kg." "Her hair fell out, she turned bald." "Then the radiation..." "We had to be happy when her breast was amputated." "It left a huge hole." "Agigantic scar." "A six-inch zipper." "It was terrible, hell." "Not to mention nightmares about death, being left alone my daughter motherIess." "Carmen is a beautiful woman devastated by cancer." "humiliated." "We've all been humiliated by cancer." "So whether she understands me..." "that isn't the point." "Carmen?" "Come on..." "Let's dance." "already asleep?" "How's New York?" "Luna's fast asleep." "No, it's 4 am here." "I just got home." "I went into town." "Time for bed." "I miss you." "hello?" "Good morning, madam!" " Good morning." "I should have gone home earlier." "maybe, but I'm the one who's married, remember?" "I'm the one who doesn't want an affair with a married man." "Wait a sec." "Wait, the doorbell." "hello?" "hello?" "Rose gave me what I lacked at home." "my lust for life, part-time." "I have to go to the office." "AdeadIine." "I'II see you later." "Okay?" "She was the woman I needed now." "Rose became my surrogate queen." "AII the clichés about cheating came up." "...and we've been there..." "Sorry, I have a dental appointment, okay?" "The deal you make is to sell the shares you buy on the same day." "And you'II earn money?" " Enough to paint, anyway." "That's clever." "You okay?" "What?" "AII that turmoil." "Carmen is really... incredibly strong." "Your life is chaotic now." "That's no good for Carmen either." "You're heading for trouble." "Hey Picasso, when are you going to mess up my canvas?" "mess up?" " What?" "Is that what you think of my work?" "I mean we all mess things up all over the place, don't we?" "Then came the news we wanted." "The chemos, the radiation, the amputation had worked." "We'd won the battle against cancer." "It's so unreal." "After everything they did to you?" " Here you are." "only a genius cancer cell can survive all that!" "I'm clean!" "So why aren't we dancing on the table?" "Why aren't we going wild?" "It's as if that fucking chemo numbed me." "I don't feel a thing." "Carmen, it'II come back." "really." "It'II be okay!" "Let's enjoy the moment!" "Here and now." "Carpe diem..." "Here's to you." "Who's that?" "Boris..." "Boris?" " He's that new kid at the office." "Let's enjoy the moment." "Here and now." "Sorry, we have a deadline, I have to take it." "I miss you too, really!" "I can't talk, but I'II call you later, okay?" "Two hours..." "Who wants a fried egg?" " me!" "You want a nice fried egg?" " Yes!" "morning, dear." " Good morning." "Was it nice with Ramon?" " Yes, great." "It was?" " Yes, it was great." "You see, Ramon called to ask where you were." "will you be back early?" "I'd Iike you to take me to the airport." "Do we have a future?" "I want to know if you want to be with me." "You think about it." "while Carmen was away, Branding at Work won our first major award." "The UEFA Cup for advertising." "The office had a collective orgasm." "Isn't it ugly?" "!" " No." "Bah!" "That's ugly!" "Are you okay, Stijn?" "What's her name?" "Rose." "Want to know more?" "Yes." " Frank, I stopped loving her, get it?" "You don't know." "Even now it's better, Carmen isn't the same woman." "I need Rose's love." " You're confusing love and happiness." "You're not happy with Carmen, but you love her." "But I'm having an affair!" "You don't need to be a psychiatrist to see that something is wrong." "Rose has nothing to do with your feelings for Carmen." "I hope Rose gives you what you need, but you can't treat Carmen like this!" "You have to be honest, talk to each other, holiday together, man!" "Hey, go on holiday!" "Say what you just told me!" " If I do, I'm afraid it's over." "Just listen to yourself." "You say you no Ionger love her?" "!" "If you go on, you lose everything." "Not just Carmen." "You've got something great going." "Luna." "Think of Luna." "It'sgot to stop, Rose." "Sorry. ican'tgo on." "This is beautiful!" "I'm going for a swim." "Does she have nice tits?" " Nice tits?" "Who?" "Boris!" "He texted that he misses you." "Have you stopped?" " Yes, it's over." "What are we doing here?" "We flew 36 hours to be in this beautiful spot." "I don't understand." "Is it over?" "!" "I want to know if we're still together." "I have to know, because I don't feel it!" "Can you look me in the eye and say you love me?" "Of course." "Go on then." "I want a divorce." "Let's get pissed, we're here anyway." "Truth or Dare?" "Come on Join in!" "I really won't mention mr B." " Dare..." "Oh." "Truth is too hard for you?" " Okay." "Truth then?" "Boris..." " really." "Let's keep this fun." "Okay." "Joyce?" "Twice." "I knew it!" "You are really disgusting!" "Joyce, with those..." "Yes, okay." "Your turn." "Truth or Dare?" " Dare." "Kiss me." "Truth." "And you?" "What do you mean?" " Cheated?" "Who did I cheat with?" " Did you cheat then?" "No, I snogged a guy at a street party." "Kissed him?" "only kissed him?" " Yes?" "You didn't..." " No." "But I did do it with Pim." " With Pim?" "Yes." " When?" "When you were in thailand." " At our place?" "At home, in the car, in the bathroom." " You're not serious!" "AII on one night?" "You were away for four weeks." "Your turn." "Truth." " How often?" "maybe more than the fingers on one hand." "Okay, two hands." "Five hands, bastard!" "I suppose Frank knows everything?" "I'm glad we're divorcing." "Good morning!" "Do you want to be my wife again?" "my sweet Stijn..." "I don't know." "I liked us more divorced last night than married all year." "For better or for worse!" "In sickness and in health." "until death us do part?" "Can you live with this?" "Yes." "You must promise me one thing." "That you won't cheat on me anymore." "Do you promise?" "Our new life without cares or cheating lasted one week." "She briefly lived happily." "Stijn!" "It's not very good." "A metastasis of 4 by 4 centimeters on top of the liver." "Is that a secondary?" "To be honest, a new chemo will only delay." "If it takes, you may have six months, maybe less." "will I be in pain?" " No, pretty sure you won't be." "Your liver will faiI so you'II have less energy you'II sleep more and go into a coma." "It's very humane." "That's positive, at Ieast." "But you will have the side-effects of the chemo." "Nausea, fatigue, hair loss, loss of taste and smell and your muscles will also protest." "The inside of your palms too." "It may sound strange, but I feel relieved." "Now we know:" "I'm dying." " Carmen, don't say that." "I knew it from the start." "I just knew it." "We'II do this together, right?" "We both stopped working." "Carmen made a list of places she wanted to visit." "We took the best hotels and recorded it all for Luna." "We wanted Luna to see more images of her mother than any other child." "I'm going to get you!" ""Carpe Diem" was our new motto." "If we couldn't add days to life we had to add life to the days." "We revelled in each other and in every day we had together." "Stijn and Carmen as the world champions of hedonism." "AnkIe-breakers!" "Okay..." "You can scream, scream." "Now drive me home." "You have to put me to bed." "Okay?" "Try... before you die." "Some water, water, water." "I have the director's cut in my head." "Luna wouldn't have liked the deleted scenes." "She'II have to make do with the PG-rated version." "Can you turn left?" " What?" "Turn left here?" "Here?" " Yes." "Let's find a nice spot." "I can't park here, that..." "Damn..." "This is an answering machine..." "Hey, Rose." "It's me." "Carmen is dying." "She's incredibly strong, but..." "I have to see you." "Sorry, your veins lie so deep..." "I want a real doctor." " Hey Stijn, calm down!" "No, you're no guinea pig." "A real doctor!" "Stijn!" "Stijn..." "Stop it!" " Leave her alone!" "Rose!" "Don't do this anymore, Stijn." "Sorry." "That's not what I mean." "What then?" "Not calling for so long." "Sorry." "I Iove you, Stijn." "I broke my promise to Carmen." "It leaves a Iot to be desired but love has its own rules in times of cancer." "I was even more addicted to Rose than last time." "I wanted to be with her every spare second." "Where is Carmen van Diepen?" "She's left." "my sweet love." "my diary suffered from inhuman time management." "I'm coming." "I'II be back later." "No you won't." " I promise." "I'II be back." "Just stay right here, okay?" "Hey, big girl." "Breathe deeply..." "Sorry Goddess, I I didn't come back." "But..." "I'II make it up to you." "really." "I'II wake you later with kisses." "I'm sorry." "What do you want?" "Do you want to end it?" "darling, if there's anything." "I'm home in 15 minutes." "Stijn." "would you please stay here?" "darling, I'm meeting Ramon for a beer in 10 minutes time." "I was looking forward to a night out." "One beer with Ramon." "With Ramon...?" "What is this?" "Come on." "Carmen, stop it." "I go everywhere." "Chemo, radiation." "I fight with the doctors for you." "I call them in the middle of the night." "I do everything!" "For better and for worse..." "Remember, Stijn?" "Yes, go on, go on." "Get lost, get lost!" "Go fuck a woman while I'm dying here!" "I don't need you, you bastard!" "1 8 months misery." "hospitals, chemotherapy." "Tears, puke and you don't need me anymore now?" "!" "Fuck you and your cancer, Carmen van Diepen." "One more time." "in the moonlight" "Where were you?" "With someone else." "mum's mad at you." "So I'm mad at you too." "mum's mad at you." "So I'm mad at you too." "mum's mad at you." "So I'm mad at you too." "mum's mad at you." "So I'm mad at you too." "mum's mad at you." "So I'm mad at you too." "I'm not mad at you anymore." "will you live here with us until death us do part?" "She keeps vomiting." "only bile." "Is she in pain?" " Yes." "I'II leave some morphine so you won't be in pain." "It might make you hallucinate." " Oh, that sounds great!" "At least I'II see something." "Bye, Tom." "It's no use, Stijn." "If it goes on like this, I've had enough." "I want to know how things work when I'd had enough." "I'II ask the doctor how it all works." "Come on, Iet's take a picture." "Come and sit here." "I need a pee." "I'm going to the bathroom." "should I help?" "Sorry guys, we need a bathroom break." "We'II be right back with you." "my darling love." "Is there anything?" "Is there anything you want to know?" "No." "No." "It's okay." "I know what I need to know." "As long as you're happy with any woman you Iike." "It's okay." "Dammit!" "Stijn..." "I've had enough." " Wait a sec." "Come on..." "Sorry..." "It's okay, darling." "Just let it run..." "I thought we'd tried everything in bed, but not this." "It's okay." "You can't keep this up." "Don't worry about me." "It's okay." "I don't want this." "I've had enough." "I don't want this anymore." "I'm just like a baby." "It can only get worse." "I can't cope with this anymore." "I want to end it tomorrow." "Look, Luna." "You see that chest?" "Daddy and I made it for you." "When you're bigger, you can open it." "It's full of things we collected for you." "also my things." "Can I open it?" "No, not yet..." "only when I'm gone." "Okay?" "How long will that be?" "Let's agree you open it when you're six?" " Yes." "Yes, on your sixth birthday?" "It's too bad you're dying, mummy." "I do too." "I Iove you." " I Iove you too." "Come on, darling." " Bye, dear." "Shopping is healthy..." "You bought it." "specially for you." "It was just delivered." "It's lovely." "The back..." "Come here..." "For you..." "Carpe Diem." "It's beautiful." "will you always wear it?" "always." "Fucking always." "I'm so happy to be your wife." "Go on." "Get the door." "It's okay..." "It's okay, go on." "Go on." "Hi Stijn." " Tom." "Okay." "You have a glass?" "It's important to drink it slowly but in one go." "Okay?" " Yes." "This is the best time to say farewell." "Bye, dearest Carmen." "Enjoy yourself!" "Yes." "You too." "Here we go." "It tastes good." "It's like...ouzo." "Now she's gone." "I'm still here!" "Just another minute." "Goodness, she's strong!" "It's all over." "I Iove you." "Carmen hasjust died." "Hi, Rose, it's me." "Carmen is..." "Carmen will be buried on Friday." "I hope you can come." "Let me know." "Kiss." "In memory of Judith"