"Previously on Studio 60:" "I said, "The Bible says it's a sin." "It also says 'judge not lest ye be judged.'"" "And that is was something for smarter people than me to decide." "Call me a fag!" "Harriet!" "Call me a faggot!" "Say what you want, but stand the hell back." "You have the right to speak to an attorney..." "SIMON:" "Tom got arrested." "We came out ofdinner last night, some guys got in Harriet's face for the gay marriage thing in The Post." "Tom tried to break it up, he pushed one of them and the guy's pressing charges." "Does Tom Jeter have a girlfriend?" "WHITE:" "She wants to meet Tim Jeter from Studio 60." "Tom Jeter." "She's going to be our way into Macau." "We're this close." "I just drove us 99 yards down the field, take it the last yard." "Is Zhiang going to base his decision on $100 million?" "Who know what the hell guides his decisions?" "Might be a 19-year-old viola player." "The Post ran an excerpt from my ex-husband's book this morning." "Saying what?" "I don't like children," "I don't want to have children," "I would never hire a woman with children." "We're all going to get on the NBS jet and go to Pahrump, Nevada." "JUDGE:" "We get a hell of a problem because I don't like your television program." "It's condescending and smart-ass." "Did you tell them why you were speeding?" "No." "Tell them why you were speeding." "No." "Why not?" "Because." "PART 2" "Well, it all started like this." "Harriet was born and became a homophobe." "Thank you." "So Tom had to fend off some gay street-toughs, one of whom is pressing charges." "From there, they found an outstanding warrant for failing to appear for a speeding ticket in a place called Pahrump, Nevada." "Tom had borrowed Simon's jacket,and the rest you know." "I have every hope they'll get back for dress, but if they're not... (Alex chuckling) Alex?" "I'm sorry, man-- "Pahrump"?" "I know, it's a funny name, let's get past it." "Done." "So I'm gonna re-write Tom's sketches for Jeannie..." "What are you laughing at?" "JEANNIE:" "Still "Pahrump."" "Is Tom in jail in a Marx Brothers' movie?" "That's good." "That's funny." "Keep that sense of humor,Jeannie, you're gonna need it waiting tables at the Hooters in Santa Monica." "Yes, sir." "Alex, start looking at Tom's part in the Visa Customer Service sketch." " I can help you with that." " And also look at "Red Carpet at the Nobel Prize."" "My first thought was that Harry would do the news alone, but I don't think that's a good idea." "It's not." "It needs the ping-pong." "So, Dylan, guess what?" "What?" "You're gonna do the news with Harry if Simon doesn't make it back." "No." "Yeah." "We can start working out in a little bit." "You'll be good, D.K." "No, that's Simon's chair." "I know, but-- and I can't believe I really get a chance to say this-- the show must go on." "Sam, Jeannie, just let me hear "Lifetime Television Network Movie Achievement Awards."" ""The nominees for best writing "on a dramatic moviemini-series are," ""Debbie, Leave Him:" "The Debbie Lieberman Story..." "Okay." ""Maggie, He's Hurting You:" ""The Margaret McCastleman Story," "Go." "Matt..." "Go." "I got to write." ""Stephanie, Run While He Sleeps:" "The Stephanie Davis Story." Get out." "You honestly think I'm a homophobe?" "Harriet, I really can't..." "You honestly think..." "Yes." "Yes, I do." "And you know why?" "'Cause you are." "Now go to work." "I said "The Bible says..."" "Yeah, yeah." "Don't "yeah, yeah" me." "And seems to me every Democrat on a ballot answers the same question by talking about civil unions and leaving it up to the states and not wanting to..." "I don't need any reminding that my party is full to brimming with panderers and mediocrity." "What's wrong with civil unions, and why shouldn't..." "'Cause there's no way to get to the end of that sentence without saying that homosexual love is something less than heterosexual love." "And watching you trip all over it makes me want to hit you in the head with Liberace." "Go work with Dylan." "Ow." "=The Last Fantasy=- Proudly Presents" "Did you just punch the wall?" "Yeah." "Did the wall have it coming?" "The wall was a victim of displaced anger." "If you examine the wall, you'll see it's a veritable hieroglyphic of meetings in Matt's office." "Your hand is bleeding." "I'm fine." "Matt's free, you can go in and see him." "NoI came to talk to you." "You know what I love about Brazil?" "The country?" "Yeah, the country." "No." "In Brazil,you're not allowed to be a journalist without two things:" "a college degree in journalism and a license." "This has in no way hampered freedom of speech or freedom of the press." "Just as the requirement of a law degree and a license from a state bar has in no way hampered an American's ability to become a lawyer." "Listen to me." "I said, "The Bible says it's a sin," ""but it also says 'judge not lest ye be judged,' so it's up to smarter people than me to decide."" "That's what I said." "It's been two days now and I still haven't had anyone successfully explain to me the crime I committed." "No one's saying you committed a crime." "Well, according to my publicist, quite a few people are saying it." "That's why I'm talking to you right now." "Oh, Jordan..." "Here's how I need you to fix it." "By going on the cover of Newsweek and saying I'm gay?" "Would you be willing to do that?" "I'm kidding." "Sometimes it's hard to tell." "I'm dry." "I know." "No, I want you to do nothing." "For six weeks-- this one doesn't live unless we give it air." "When it comes to doing press, I'm happiest doing nothing." "No, I wasn't talking about press," "I'm talking about... the concerts-- uh..." "Women United Through Faith, what about them?" "You have six concert appearances scheduled with them around the country on six consecutive Mondays." "You shouldn't be appearing in front of groups that oppose gay marriage." "Are you censoring me?" "Don't put it like that." "Give me another way to put it." "Harry..." "I grew up with Women United." "I was a teenager when my mom died and she asked them to look out for me and they did." "Harry..." "I don't agree with everything they believe in, but I don't agree with everything you believe in either." "Doesn't stop me from working for you." "I understand." "I do "Crazy Christians,"" "I do "ScienceSchmience," "Cheeses of Nazareth..."" ""Cheeses of Nazareth"?" "Matthew's latest." "Cheddar, Port Salut, Gouda, all from the Holy Land." ""Cheeses of Nazareth."" "That's a little funny." "Yes, it is." "They all are." "I'm saying they are." "So why can't I go out..." "Young girls attend these events." "They admire me." "I'm in a position to show them that Christianity has a nicer voice than Ann Coulter's." "Carol Channing has a nicer voice than Ann Coulter's and I couldn't admire you more for the time and energy you devote to groups like this, but aside from the negative attention it'll bring to the show at exactly the wrong time," "I'm concerned about damage to your career that you wouldn't be able to recover from." "Please..." "Series television, features, record labels... you have more doors open to you than anybody and they'll all close if what you're most famous for is being a gay basher." "I'm not." "I know." "So, please, sit down for six weeks." "My career will be fine." "I'm sure you're right, but just for a second opinion, let's go ask Anita Bryant." "She was a gay basher,and she had to be something 'cause she sure wasn't talented." "I'm not Anita Bryant." "Like I don't know that." "Harry, really... friend to friend, okay?" "Do you trust the media and the American public to make the distinction?" "You're just thinking of me?" "No, I'm thinking of you, but I'm not allowed to just think of you." "And I think by now you know that I wouldn't ask something like this of you if I didn't think it was extremely serious." "You know, the network doesn't actually have a say in this, right?" "I know." "It's producers' discretion." "Yeah." "Matt's in his office?" "Yes." "When I leave, don't hit the wall with your knuckles, okay?" "Hello?" "It's Danny." "Danny who?" "Danny Tripp!" "I know, I was being dry." "Why don't people ever get that?" "Well, for one thing..." "(car alarm beeping)" "And then I was being rhetorical." "What's going on over there?" "We're gonna be fine." "The judge just left the room to take a call from a guy in the Governor's office." "The judge's name is Bobby Bebe." "I'm in the middle of an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger." "Jack's raised a lot of money for the Governor." "That's why we're gonna be out of here in a minute." "Listen..." "Good." "What?" "Jack and I had a conversation on the plane." "About what?" "It's not important but I want to know what you and Shelly are doing about this latest round of press." "With Harriet?" "With you." "You don't want kids, you don't like kids, you don't want to hire women who have kids-- what are you doing about it?" "Well, I've been reading this cool book called Oliver Twist and it sounds like the best thing for me to do is to get a bunch of them together in my root cellar and set them to work for me as pickpockets." "You're being dry?" "Yes." "Okay, well... you're also being an idiot." "That's not out of the question." "Suit yourself." "I usually do." "(sighs)" "Excuse me." "Yes ma'am." "Would you mind taking a picture of Tom and me?" "You know I'm Simon Stiles, right?" "I'm on the show, too." "Yes." "Take the picture." "Hey, Kim, is that the new Nikon S-10?" "I just got it." "Can I see it?" "Sure." "(drops to floor)" "Oh, no." "(crackling) Oh, so sorry." "I dropped your camera on the ground." "I owe you a new camera." "I feel terrible." "What the hell is the matter with you?" "For starters I'm in Pahrump, Nevada, and I have a show in six hours." "(speaking Mandarin)" "When the man comes back you're gonna tell him why you were speeding." "I've received some instructions from the State House." "Oh, I'm sorry to throw the weight of the Governor's office around, but obviously this is an urgent matter, so if you could just set bail..." "Yeah, the instructions were to be very careful not to show Mr. Jeter any special treatment." "Apparently, Mr. Rudolph, you're a big contributor and fundraiser for the Governor and he's a little sensitive about that." "Really?" "Yes, sir." "Well, I guess now I'm a little bit sensitive about that myself." "Who's hungry?" "Best diner in the state's right across the road." "You don't want to miss this." "We have a real time problem..." "Boony, you hungry?" "Yes, Judge." "All right, well, we can't let you stay all alone in the Sheriff's office so you just have to come along." "JACK:" "Judge..." "Grab the prisoner." "We'll buy him a slice of pie." "Thanks, Mandy." "How do you get your hair to do that, Sammy?" "What?" "How do you get your hair to do that?" "My name is Simon, Your Honor." "I keep forgetting that." "Yes, you do, sir." "Are those corn rows?" "No." "Deadbolts?" "Dreadlocks." "Dreadlocks?" "No, sir, they're called twists." "Twists?" "Is this for real?" "Your Honor, this is outrageous." "And I should tell you that absent a court reporter," "I've been tape recording this entire proceeding." "Good for you, Matlock." "Mr. Jeter, you were cited for speeding on August 16th." "Deputy, why does that date sound familiar?" "That was the protest at Nellis, Judge." "You were called over to Clark County to help Judge Martin." "War protest over at Nellis." "A hundred arrests." "Feature this:" "a protester was injured during the demonstration." "He got trampled, he broke his leg and two ribs." "He is now suing the U.S. Air Forcebecause the injuries were sustained on government property." "What do you think about that?" "Sir?" "The guy suing the base." "Your Honor, what does this have to do with Mr. Jeter?" "August 16th." "Were you at the protest?" "No, sir." "No?" "No, sir, I was in Reno." "What was your hurry?" "Tom..." "No hurry, sir," "I just took my eye off the speedometer." "You don't need a damn speedometer to know you're doing 120." "Judge, is the man gonna be arraigned at some point?" "Yes, he is." "Can you tell me when?" "No, sir, I cannot." "And why not, sir?" "Because if you'll look around the room, you will notice we are missing someone." "A representative of the people of Nye County." "He needs a prosecutor." "Thank you, Matlock." "Assistant District Attorney Finney has been called from his paintball competition and is on his way." "I cannot formally hear and rule on Mr. Jeter unless both sides are present." "What I can do is make PCD, that's probable cause determination,and throw Mr. Jeter into jail until the next business day." "Your Honor, in this situationare you allowed to pretty much do anything you want?" "Why do you think I'm smiling?" "So you use some kind of conditioner on that hair?" "You hear anything?" "I'm waiting for a call." "Me, too." "Does Simon know that use is a felony in Nevada?" "He doesn't care." "Matt?" "Yeah." "Danny." "Pick up." "Oh-three." "Hey." "It's Cal, too." "What's going on?" "DAN:" "They're bringing an ADA in from a paintball competition." "A paintball competition?" "Yeah, the judge can't do anything without a prosecutor." "You're gonna come back here, right?" "People are asking me questions as if I know what I'm doing." "I know the feeling." "Danny." "I'm getting rehearsal feed off the Internet, I'm in touch with all" "I'm in touch with all the department heads." "We're fine." "No, we're not." "No, we're not, but we will be." "(cell phone beeps off)" "You ever do that?" "Paintball." "What?" "No." "Me neither." "You want to talk about it some more?" "No." "Can I ask you something?" "Yes." "Sometimes I hear people calling other people "sir."" "There doesn't seem to be a pattern to when and who." "I don't want to be impolite, but I don't want to look like an idiot either, so..." "What?" "Who gets called "sir"?" "I'm working on a sketch right now." "Okay." "There are no rules to it, it'll come naturally." "Like calling a conductor "maestro" when he's in the vicinity of the podium." "The nearer we get to Friday night, the more you'll hear Matt and Danny called "sir."" "Cal, too." "Department heads, anybody who deserves it,it's not a big deal." "Okay." "Is this a white people thing?" "I'm not white, Darius, I'm English." "Put that line in the damn sketch." "In an effort to uncover pirated DVDs, the Motion Picture Association of America began the use of trained dogs at London's Heathrow Airport." "The dogs uncovered more than $60,000 worth of stolen movies, but seemed completely uninterested in Legally Blonde II:" "Red, White and Blonde." "The U.S. Immigration Department is teaming up with the Department of Homeland Security to use the citizenship test to root out terrorist cells." "As a result, Question #90 on the test, "Where is the White House located?"" "will now be changed to,"Why the hell are you looking for the White House?"" "Dylan?" "Russia's Interfax News Agency" "Here's your camera." "Russia's Interfax News Agency is reporting that researchers at the Plant..." "I'm sorry, the country's Plant..." "Let me take that again." "Look at me." "Okay, go." "Russia's Interfax News Agency is reporting that researchers at the country's Plant Institute in St. Petersburg have invented a strain of cannabis,one that is free of mind-altering properties." "Here at News 60, our question is:" "Why?" "That may not work." "Is Simon getting back?" "We don't know yet." "Let me have you one second." "Yeah." "Former NBA star and TBS basketball..." "Jordan spoke to me about the concerts." "It's producers' discretion." "Are you gonna be punitive?" "What do you mean?" "You don't like the people I'm singing for, so you cancel..." "Yeah, that sounds like me." "This group means a lot to me, they're family." "I'm not saying you can't do it." "Thank you." "I think it's dumb to do it." "You know what?" "When George Michael does some guy in a bathroom or Woody Allen marries his daughter or a child molester gets an Oscar nomination, it doesn't really give Hollywood a lot of moral authority on sexual behavior." "Hollywood?" "Who else are you talking to?" "You say "Hollywood" like A: you're not a part of it and B: we all get together once a month to decide what we think." "I've worked in Hollywood for ten years," "I've never been in a room with three people who agree with each other." "All right, well,keep talking, I have to call back my agent 'cause I know this is gonna be good news." "By the way,you know what never happens?" "An evangelical preacher getting caught with his secretary or a hooker, we never see that." "Absolutely nobody is listening to you." "So I've learned after 35 years." "Here at News 60, our question is:" "Why?" "It works if Simon's saying it." "What works?" "The punch line." ""Here at News 60, our question is:" "Why?"" "It works if Simon is doing it." "Or Alex." "Dylan..." "Give this to Alex." "Why are you the only guy in town who's looking for less camera time?" "I really don't know how to play it." "Do you want me to act sincere?" "I don't want you to act at all." "Pick up your cues, aim for the end of the line, just... this is..." "don't do a character, this is Dylan Killington doing the news." "On the rundown so far,Alex can make the wardrobe change." "Wardrobe needs to fit him for a suit." "They did." "Sorry, Dylan, let's get back to it." "What did she want?" "I'm gonna get whacked by The Advocate for being intolerant." "Well, if that's the worst that happens..." "It's not." "I've been asked not to appear at the Women United Through Faith concerts." "Why?" "For not being intolerant enough." "Wow." "Talk about..." "Shut up." "You live off Mulholland." "There are other streets in the country where marriage is important." "It's important off of Mulholland, too." "But let me ask you something." "How is my marriage, your marriage or anyone else's marriage even marginally affected by the gay couple two doors down also getting married?" "And if it is, how does that become their problem?" "Relax." "Let's go from the top." "You know the thing's not true, right?" "With Jordan?" "Yeah, this kid thing." "She said it 'cause she didn't want to..." "Since when are you defending her?" "I thought you didn't like her?" "Me?" "Yeah." "No." "I mean, you know, I don't like network presidents, vocationally." "It's not personal." "She's only been doing it six weeks." "Her only big move has been Studio 60 and Studio 60's working." "It is?" "Where are we right now?" "This isn't her fault." "It's not mine either,but that's not what Wilson White's gonna say." "I'm sorry it took me a bit to get here, Judge." "That's all right." "Here's your file." "(pops)" "Damn." "Sorry, Judge, left the safety off." "Yes, sir, you almost hit the chairman of NBS." "Shepherd, Matlock, you're up." "Let's go back across the street and administer some justice." "Alright, "Judgmental Credit Card Rep" is up." "This is just for camera marks." "Let's go to one." "Ring." "Ring." "Hello?" "Mr. McCallister?" "Speaking." "This is Ms. Jennings with Visa customer service." "We're calling to inquire about some unusual activity with your Visa card." "Can you tell me where you last used your card?" "Uh, sure." "I think it was at the Ralph Lauren store on Rodeo." "Mm-hmm, and can you tell me what you purchased?" "A pair of socks." "Mm-hmm, and can you tell me what you paid?" "I think about $60." "That's a lot of money for socks,don't you think?" "Excuse me?" "I say $60 is a lot of money for socks." "(clears throat):" "Well, what do you care?" "No reason to be rude, sir." "Were the socks a gift or were they for yourself?" "Look, is there a problem with my card?" "Paying $60 for socks on Rodeo Drive when they're three pair for $9.99 at Wal-Mart," "I don't think the problem is with your card, sir." "All right." "Thank you." "We move to item ten." ""News 60." Harriet, Dylan." "Matt?" "Yeah." "You hear anything from them?" "I'm sure they'll be back in time, but let's cover ourselves." "'Cause watching Alex just now, it really seems to me..." "What is your problem?" "Your rehearsal before was fine, you're gonna be fine, just be yourself." "I can't just be myself." "Why?" "'Cause I'm not Robert Redford." "I'll be honest with you, Dylan," "I really don't, you know," "I don't pay attention to other men's bodies." "Yeah, he's not homophobic." "I'm homophobic in the way that makes sense." "Matt..." "I don't want you doing anything that you're uncomfortable with." "If you feel better with characters,voices and wigs, that's fine." "Alex." "Thank you." "Yes, sir." "Pretend you're talking to me for a second." "Okay." "When I say "now,"you're gonna look over at the News 60 desk with nervous concern mixed with eager anticipation." "Okay." "Now." "How was that?" "I could use another take for safety,but we'll live with it." "Jeannie." "(whispering)" "Hey, Jeannie..." "Don't flirt with me, rook." "And you should be getting ready for the news." "No, I'm not doing the news." "Alex is gonna do it if Simon doesn't make it back." "Why?" "Matt's call." "Huh." "I wonder why." "I saw your rehearsal before, and I thought it was good." "It showed a new side of you, and I was looking forward to seeing you in a dark blue suit." "Yeah?" "Don't flirt with me, rook." "Yes, ma'am." "How come I never get to be the sexy shill?" "She is money in the bank." "Yes, I know." "DYLAN:" "Matt." "Dylan, what can I do for you?" "(exhales)" "JORDAN:" "That's a little personal, sir." "Yes." "I'm sorry, you withdraw the question, or you don't care?" "I don't care." "I had said to my ex-husband that I didn't want to have children because I didn't want to have children with him." "Oh..." "Yeah." "Well, you know what Mark Twain said." ""They're after us, Jim!" "Now, lay into that pole!"" ""A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting its shoes on."" "Much more germane to the situation." "Within the scope of TMG,NBS is a drop in the bucket." "Content may be king,but distribution pays the king's mortgage." "With the entertainment division's eight-percent profit margin," "I sometimes wonder why I bother." "Sir..." "But I don't wonder for long, 'cause NBS will always be the public face of TMG." "Our broadband service has never landed us on the cover of Time, and no TMG board member has ever had to account for our theme parks at a Princeton Parents' Day weekend." "But they have to account for me." "Yeah." "It's much ado about nothing, Wilson." "It's a combination of a bottom-feeding ex-husband, coat-holding media outlets-- some of which, sir, are owned by TMG-- and religious groups angry over the fact that I..." "I... don't care." "Make it stop." "(door slams)" "(over intercom):" "Danny Tripp." "You screw up this TMG deal in China, and I'm gonna hire real Germans to kill you." "I don't have anything to do with the deal in China." "Neither do I, so deal with it." "What's going on there?" "There's now an assistant D.A. here... in Thunderdome." "He's looking over the file, and they'll all get into it in a minute." "Let me know when your cast is out of jail." "(slams phone down)" "Well, we got a reckless driving, willful and wanton disregard for public safety, causing death, bodily injury and harm." "It's a speeding ticket." "The assault and battery charge." "He just stepped in between two..." "That's the purview of L.A. County." "And the FTA, failure to appear, which ups the whole thing to a category" "B felony." "Category A includes murder, so you don't want to get too high up on that alphabet." "And the marijuana in the jacket." "Which is mine." "Well, possession's just a misdemeanor, but the joint was half smoked, suggesting use, which is a felony." "Thank God it is." "Jack..." "Better we should get these dangerous pot smokers off the streets than a run on Pop Tarts at the grocery stores." "Are you mouthing off to this court, Mr. Rudolph?" "Yes, I am, Judge-- that's what happens when I've been screwed with a couple hours straight by someone other than my wife." "Jack..." "You've been playing around with us like we're a damn cat toy 'cause you think it's funny." "Judge..." "How exactly is that different from what these guys do every Friday night?" "These guysaren't the law, Judge-- they don't wear a friggin' robe." "Jack, really, he needs a lawyer." "I am a lawyer, and Buffalo Bob and his sister Sue over here are gonna keep Tom in jail for the weekend 'cause they don't like Studio 60!" "Deputy,handcuff Mr. Rudolph, charge him with contempt and read him Miranda." "You can tell the governor he can find a new ATM machine!" "FINNEY:" "Judge?" "Deputy, hang on." "Mr. Jeter,come here-- let me see your wrist." "Isn't that an illegal search?" "He's already under arrest, Matlock-- I can search whatever I want,and I just want to see his wrist." "How much you pay this guy?" "He's a copyright lawyer." "Now they tell me." "Let me see your wrist." "You weren't protesting in Nellis,you were driving to Nellis." "Finally." "You were driving to Nellis, right?" "Yes, sir." "Mark Jeter-- is that your brother?" "Yes, sir." "Older or younger?" "He's my little brother." "What's going on?" "Mr. Jeter's younger brother is a staff sergeant with the 820th Red Horse Squadron deployed out of Nellis Air Force Base." "You know what Red Horse does?" "They go into war zones, and they build things incredibly fast:" "a hospital in three days,roads, bridges." "Is it dangerous?" "You want to go to a Taliban-controlled region of Afghanistan right now with an American flag on your shoulder and build a school?" "Why didn't he say anything?" "This isn't his first tour, is it?" "It's his third." "BEBE:" "You see, Staff Sergeant Jeter's just playing" "Russian roulette at this point, 'cause you should see what happens to the casualty numbers with multiple tours." "He didn't want his little brother's last act on this earth to be getting him out of a speeding ticket." "I'm right, right?" "Yes, sir." "What do you know, I'm Agatha Christie." "Tony." "On my own motion," "I move to dismiss all the chargesin my jurisdiction against Mr. Jeter." "I do so in the interest of... well, really just 'cause I feel like it." "Thank you, sir." "Mr. Stiles and Mr. Rudolph, they're both friends of yours?" "Yes, sir." "You sure?" "Yes, sir." "You absolutely sure?" "Yes, sir." "Deputy, can I see that evidence bag?" "No, sir." "We've lost the evidence bag." "Well, what do you know about that." "Well, Sammy, citing lack of corpus-- that's evidence to you" "I do not accept the charges of possession or use." "And, Mr. Rudolph, we'll just chalk you up to being an Ivy League tight-ass who needs a vacation." "That should go for me, too, sir." "Don't press your luck, funny man." "And stop thinking everybody between 5th Avenue and the Hollywood Bowl just stepped barefoot out of the cast of Hee Haw." "Tell your friends about it." "The pilot's flying Are we flying as fast as we can?" "Captain said we were." "It doesn't seem like we're flying as fast as we can." "It's hard to gauge airspeed." "But we're not trying to conserve energy or anything." "No." "'Cause this is no time to get serious about global warming." "The pilot's flying as fast as the plane will go, and that's pretty fast." "This may sound crazy, but we're not being slowed down by the fact that you're making chicken Caesar salad for everyone, right?" "No." "(loud groan)" "What do you want?" "You know the good thing about Jordan?" "Anytime something goes wrong, you can blame her." "Mm, that's the best you can do?" "It's true." "I talked to her on the phone" " Wilson White's ready to blame her if the China deal falls through." "I can assure you that Wilson will assign a healthy portion of the blame to me." "Jack..." "Not everybody can afford to be as indifferent toward making money as you are." "Yeah, but you're somebody who can afford to be." "You're already rich, Jack-- why not be a broadcaster?" "Oh, get away from me!" "I'm saying..." "You sit over there in your theater..." "I sit over there in my theater?" "You have no idea what I do-- if you had my job for a day, you'd sit in the middle of the room and cry." "Maybe." "But if you had my job for a day, you'd lose a couple hundred million of other people's dollars and not care." "Though I'm sure NBS would be the number one-rated network within a one-mile radius of Zabar's and the Chateau Marmont." "You know, you call me an elitist, but I'm not the one who thinks shows need to be dumber to work in central and mountain time." "She's got a paper." "What?" "JACK:" "The kid." "She's got one of the tabloids." "Move." "Move, move." "(groans)" "(sighs):" "Hey, folks." "Reading the papers?" "Yes." "You mind if I check something out?" "When you borrowed my camera, you broke it." "Can't really break a newspaper." "When I'm done." "I'm looking for the celebrity gossip." "Yeah." "You know what's fun?" "The Jumbles." "They're pretty easy." "Well, it's not like the challenge of celebrity gossip, but it passes the time." "Kim, would you tell your father we appreciate him flying in more than one direction." "Even though it is my company's plane." "He knows." "Any chance you'll tell him again anyway?" "No." "He knows." "Great." "Talk to her for the rest of the flight." "I don't want her dad to see anything about Jordan in the gossip columns." "(loudly):" "What is there about Jordan..." "Just do it." "JACK:" "Are we going as fast as we can go?" "(laughs softly)" "KIM:" "Hi." "TOM:" "Hi." "How are you?" "KIM (laughs):" "I'm good." ""Russia's Interfax News Agency is reporting that researchers at the country's Plant Institute in St. Petersburg..."" "Hey." "They're back." "Great." "Thanks." "You look good in that suit." "(laughs)" "I mean, I don't really, you know, check out..." "Yeah." "You should get in costume for dress." "Sure." "Annie Got Her Gun:" "The Annie McNichol Story." "MATT:" "Laugh all you want, Sam, but you're the target demo." "We're gonna start the dress late, right?" "15 minutes, a couple hours, depending on traffic." "Okay." "And it's possible we'll be doing the dress at 8:30 and broadcasting it nationally." "You think if we start the dress late that word's gonna get out?" "Yes." "You think there'll be press inquiries?" "Yes." "We need a believable excuse." "We're the Keystone Kops, and we feel lucky when everybody can find the building in the morning, much less start a dress rehearsal on time?" "Well, they'll buy that." "Yeah." "Hello." "I was wondering if you'd look at a sketch." "You're pitching me Friday at 5:15?" "It's not for tonight." "I just..." "I was hoping for some feedback." "I'm finding it difficult to get their attention." "Hey, there's a guy..." "I said I'm having difficulty getting their attention!" "Okay." "And you're here for...?" "The learning experience." "It's a parody of the board game "Operation."" "You know the game?" "There's a body, and the playersremove parts with tweezers." "I know the game." ""Operation on a single girl." ""Show cardboard cutout of a woman and plastic parts" ""to be removed with surgeon-like precision." ""A group of single men sit around the game and laugh" ""while taking turns with the tweezers." ""'Let's take out her self-esteem!" "Her dreams!" "'" ""'Hey, what's this?" "You got her soul!" "'My turn!" "My turn!" "I want to get the vulnerable parts!" "'"" "It's good so far." "Can I ask, by any chance,did you just have a bad breakup with a boyfriend?" "(sobbing)" "It's okay." "It's all right." "Let it out." "(crying)" "Ow!" "Okay." "Ow!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Okay." "Okay." "All right, everybody out." "Let's go." "Get up." "Go downstairs." "Go." "Okay, sir, we've got another car waiting for you right over..." "right over here." "Can we talk about Jordan?" "That was me talking to you, okay?" "Yeah." "(speaking Chinese)" "He says, "Just a moment, please."" "(speaking Chinese)" "She's got the gossip news on her BlackBerry." "(speaking Chinese)" "Drunken driving?" "(Chinese)" "Sex clubs and pornography?" "(Chinese)" "She objects to women having children?" "Of course she doesn't object to women having... (speaking Chinese)" "This woman has brought shame to your company." "I'm sorry for my father." "He's very much set in old and maybe cliched ways of honor." "Is that right?" "Yeah." "Okay." "Why don't you tell your father he can take his business to Time Warner?" "You don't really want me to..." "Tell him." "My company doesn't have honor?" "One of my guys spent the day in two different police stations because he came to the defense of a woman who was being verbally and physically abused!" "He could have been out of it easy if he played the "support our troops" card, but he wasn't about to minimize the sacrifice of his brother and his brother's buddies!" "Simon Stiles has prior convictions but, with the Budweiser Clydesdales, you could not stop him from making it clear to a judge that this much marijuana was his!" "This guy?" "I don't know what the hell he was doing except trying to convince me that Jordan McDeere has been all over the gossip pages because, when she was 25,she married a fraction of a man!" "This man has been telling tales both true and false in the hope of selling a book and working the talk shows." "Sir, of all of Jordan McDeere's faults, and there are many, lack of honor is not among them." "She's killing me with her honor!" "So I'm sorry, Mr. Zhiang." "You have insulted me, and you have insulted my company!" "And I think you should take your business to Time Warner!" "(speaking Chinese) ...Time Warner." "(speaking Chinese)" "(speaking Chinese)" "(speaking Chinese) ...Jordan McDeere." "(speaking Chinese)" "Ah!" "This is my fault." "I translated wrong." "He said that it's the ex-husband that brought dishonor upon himself by speaking." "It's a subtle grammatical nuance." "Important one, though, wouldn't you say?" "All right!" "Well, I'm going to go inside." "But, Jack, I could kiss you all over the face right now." "Nice meeting you." "Danny?" "I don't have a seat on the board." "She's in trouble, and if you have any influence over her at all, now's the time to use it." "All right, let's take this from the top." "I heard you were good." "Oh, man, you're back." "Yeah." "Oh, you're a sight for sore eyes." "Tom's okay?" "Yeah." "I heard you were good." "No, no." "I heard you owned it." "No." "I'm back in the Santa suit where I belong." "I talked to Danny, and just now to Matt." "I feel bad, you been working all day." "Why don't you share the desk with me and Harriet tonight?" "No." "You sure?" "Yeah." "That's your chair." "Well, thank you, sir." "All right, here we go." "Here we go." "(mostly unintelligible babbling) He... he want..." "I was going..." "and he just used... he... he... he..." "I'm sorry." "I can't understand you." ""I thought he was the one." ""I thought he was the man I was going to grow old with, but he just used me for sex."" "Welcome back." "Lucy, put it in the writing." "We need you down on the stage now." "Do not tell her to put it into the writing." "Let's go." "Okay." "See how I did that?" "Well, I loosened the ketchup bottle a little." "I was here for her." "I'm going to go around the building,settle everyone down, have them take a deep breath." "You're the one who started all this!" "I know!" "Okay." "Okay, I'm going to go downstairs." "Hey, there's a diner in Pahrump." "You got to eat there." "Never tasted food this good." "They got a judge who knows what he's doing, too." "I'll see you after the dress." "What?" "A simple life." "And a job, a living wage." "It's what most people want." "A safe place to raise kids." "And the world is changing too fast for them." "How about giving the rest of the worlda little time to catch up?" "I'd have said that to Martin Luther King." ""Doc, give us a minute to be white and racist before you go all marching through Montgomery."" "Don't compare being black to being gay." "What the hell's the...?" "The difference is that black people have lived openly as black people for 400 years." "Before civil rights!" "For 400 years!" "Gay people have lived openly for about 30." "Tough." "Matt..." "That doesn't mean you say to a reporter..." "I said, "The Bible says it's a sin." ""But it also says, 'judge not lest ye be judged.'"" "I said, "I don't know."" "Three words that would make a nice addition to your vocabulary." "Harriet, I can't believe you didn't tell me about it when it..." "What would you have done?" "That was supposed to be me in jail!" "I'm the one who's supposed to be protecting you... from gay street toughs." "That was supposed to be me." "God, Matthew, are you crazy about me,or just crazy?" "I don't know." "Now he learns how to say it."