"They're creepy and they're kooky" "Mysterious and spooky" "They're altogether ooky" "The Addams family" "The house is a museum" "When people come to see 'em" "They really are a scream" "The Addams family" "Neat." "Sweet." "Petite." "So get a witch's shawl on" "A broomstick you can crawl on" "We're gonna pay a call on" "The Addams family" "Didn't know Pugsley was home from school so early." "He's certainly getting a lot out of that little atomic reactor you bought him." "Mother, Father." "Thank you, darling." "My son, who's minding the reactor upstairs?" "I gave that to Wednesday." "All that kid stuff is behind me now." "What I really want is..." "Don't stop." "After all, we feel towards you as if you were our own son." "Gomez, he is!" "I thought he looked familiar." "All right now, out with it, boy." "I need some money." "Oh, is that all?" "Well, I think the boy is entitled to an allowance, dear." "How about 100 a week?" "$100 a week for a boy of ten?" "You're right, we'll make it 200." "But, Mother, you don't understand." "I want to work." "Work!" "Watch your language, boy." "We Addamses haven't worked in 300 years." "Supervise or manage, yes, but work, never." "Pugsley!" "You'd be the laughingstock of the entire family." "But, Mother, I'm not joking." " I want to go to..." " Stop!" "We've heard quite enough, young man." "March right upstairs to your room." " But, Mother..." " No buts." "Oh, where, Gomez?" "Where have we failed that boy?" "I know he said work, but maybe it was just a slip of the tongue." "No, he meant it." "Well, the boy's been into that library, sneaking out those Horatio Alger books." " Not only that, he's been reading." " Well, now." "Well, I wasn't allowed to even touch Horatio Alger until I was 28." "A brainwashing like that could ruin a child's character." "Well, are you two ready?" " Ready!" " Ready!" "Right, go!" "Sure tickles." "Obviously, Pugsley took a wrong turn." "I certainly don't understand it." "Boy's had a proper upbringing." "We gave him all the dynamite he could ever want." "That blade is cold." "He certainly had good pets." "Aristotle, loving octopus." "And a cheerful little spider like Homer." "Fester!" "How do you do it?" "Very simple." "You two have just got bad aim." "Well, what are we gonna do about Pugsley?" "Darling, I was thinking." "Why don't we let him earn some money?" "Might teach him a lesson." "Let's not get carried away." "What is he going to do with the money?" "He wants to buy a jet-powered motor scooter with interchangeable hubcaps." "Oh, well." "Certainly nothing wrong with that." "Is there?" " You rang?" " Gadzooks, Lurch." "Here before I ring." "That's what I call efficiency." "Have you seen Pugsley?" "On the roof." " What's he doing up there?" " Testing his parachute." "So that's where my silk chemise went." "Chemise..." "Tish..." "French." "Pugsley." "We've come to a decision." "We've decided, no matter how bizarre it may seem, we're going to let you go to work." "Whoopee!" "Now, Pugsley." "You've been taught to watch your language." "Naturally, you'll need a job in keeping with your heritage and social status." "I have it, a shipping magnate." "You like shipping, dear?" "Last time I was on a ship, I got sick." "Better idea, astronaut." "I don't think so, dear." "If he got sick on a boat, imagine what would happen up in that capsule." "If you don't mind, I'd like to find my own job." "Reminds me of Cousin Goop." "There was a fellow who really knew how to look for a job." "Never found one." "You know, darling, the last time I tied you up like this, it took you three weeks to escape." "Great sport." "Dr. Bird." "Oh, I didn't know anyone was sick in this house." " I'm not sick." "Are you sick, Gomez?" " Never felt better." "I'm afraid you have the wrong house." "I'm sure I have the right house." "This boy must belong to you." "Of course he does." " Is he sick?" " No." "I'm sick!" " Why don't you see a doctor?" " I am a doctor!" "But he's not!" "Well, of course not." "Pugsley won't even be ready for medical school for a year or two." "At least!" "But in the meantime, I'll thank you to keep that meddling little menace out of my operating room!" "But I was only looking for a job." "Surely you don't object to the lad seeking honest employment?" "Oh, no." "Not at all." "What I object to is him coming right in, in the middle of an appendectomy, wielding a scalpel!" "I'm sure he was only trying to help." "Don't you have an apprentice program, like the plumbers and carpenters?" "Mr. Addams," "I'm sure you don't realize that operations require the utmost delicacy and finesse." "Yes." "Perhaps surgery is a bit too advanced for Pugsley." "But I'm sure he could give a marvelous anesthesia." "If your boy wants to get into my hospital, any part of my hospital, he'll have to require medical help, not give it!" "Well, so much for medicine." "Don't you worry, darling." " Those menial jobs aren't for you." " Of course not." "Pugsley, if you're bound to work," "I'll let you manage my mango plantation." "Now, it's in Brazil." "We'd miss you." "No, I said I was going to find my own job, and I'm going to." "The lad has determination." "All right, querida." "Count up to ten." "You ready?" "One." "Two." "Three." "Four." "Oh, I forgot to tell Pugsley," "I heard of a vacancy in Harvard..." "Five." "Six." "Seven." " In the bank vault?" " That's where we found him." "Right between the 50s and the 100s." "I was only counting them." "That's very good, Pugsley, darling, you weren't wasting your time on 5s and 10s." "Mrs. Addams." "It is not the policy of the First National Bank to start our trainees off in the vault." "And what bothers me is how he got in there in the first place." "Oh, I think I can explain that." " He dug a tunnel." " A tunnel?" "Yes, he's always digging tunnels." "Aren't you, Pugsley, darling?" "I had to." "You kept throwing me out of your office." "Is that true, Mr. Glenville?" "Mr. Addams will hear about this." "Gomez!" "Right here, Morticia." "Heard the whole thing." "Your apology is in order, Glenville." "My apology?" "Your son's been pestering me for a job." "That's hardly cause for violence." " The job he wanted was vice president." " What's wrong with that?" " I'm vice president!" " Oh." "Well, we wouldn't want you to lose your job." "How about making Pugsley president?" "You people must be out of your minds." "You rang?" "On second thought, maybe it's my mind." "Lurch, Mr. Glenville has been behaving rather badly." "Follow me." "Well, there goes banking." "Banking really isn't very dependable." "Have you noticed how they keep switching those interest rates?" "Well, Pugsley, you're still welcome to go into business with me." "We'd call it Addams and Son." " What would we do?" " Do?" "Isn't it enough that we'd be together?" "I'd teach you how to be an escape artist." "I think I better go out and look some more." "Chip off the old block." " Well, back to the counting." " Yes, darling." "Eighty-one thousand, nine hundred and twenty-two." "Eighty-one thousand, nine hundred and twenty-three." "Eighty-one thousand, nine hundred and twenty-four." "Eighty-one thousand, nine hundred and twenty-five..." "Master Pugsley and Bennie," "the bookie." "Forgive me, Mr. Bennie, I'm a little tied up at the moment." "My lovely wife, Morticia." " Figures." " A bookie..." "Mr. Bennie, are you in the publishing business?" "Are you putting me on, lady?" "The only thing I publish is a tip sheet." "And I don't want any punk like this moving in on me." "All I was doing was answering the phone for him." "By the time I caught him, I lost a bundle at Hialeah." "Pugsley!" "You don't mean to say you were looking for a position in a racing parlor?" "I thought it was a funeral parlor." "That's what it said in the window." "Well, that's just to fool the local fuzz." "If they ever find out what I'm doing, it'll be my funeral." "Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to use your phone." "Let the boys know I'm on my way back." "By all means, Mr. Bennie." "Pugsley, darling, I'm glad you didn't take a position with that man." " He's much too high-strung." " Must be the tax situation." " Paying them?" " Avoiding them." "Pugsley, why don't you give up job hunting and take an allowance?" "I wanna work for my money." "That boy's fallen in with the wrong crowd." "Nonsense, darling." "The only child he's been playing with is our own daughter, Wednesday." "Tish, I spoke French." "Nothing like a joust with the foils after a big lunch." "I hardly ate a bite." "Pugsley's been gone all afternoon and I'm so worried." "So am I. He may have found a job." "He wants us to look out the window." "Thank you, Thing." "By george!" "There's Pugsley and Wednesday, talking to the Hensons." "Querida." "Oh, wouldn't you know it." "They're doing their usual captivating job." "The little rascals, who can resist them?" " A job?" " I'll do anything." "And I'll be his assistant." "She's paying me a quarter to do that." "Oh, I see." "Well, what would you charge me to trim the hedge, wash my car, and clean out the attic?" " A quarter?" " A half a dollar." "Oh, all right." " A half a dollar." " It's a deal." "Good." "Now, Mrs. Henson and I will be away for the rest of the day." "We'll see you when we get back." "But, remember, I want to get rid of everything in that attic." " Everything?" " Everything, down to the last cobweb." " And my car." " Yes, sir." " I want it cleaned, inside and out." " Yes, sir." "And don't forget to trim the hedge." "Trim, trim, trim." " We will, sir." " Thank you, sir." "Arthur." "Don't you think you could have given them 75 cents for all that work?" "Nonsense, my dear." "Those kids get gypped a few times, it sharpens them up." "Why, people like me are benefactors to those children." "Yes, I'm a little nervous about those Addams kids." "Oh, what's the difference?" "Why, he looks strong as an ox and she probably is very wiry." "Oh, well, you'd hire Jack the Ripper and Lizzie Borden if they worked cheap enough." "I know what I'm doing." "If I really get that attic cleaned out and this hedge trimmed," "I can unload this lemon." "Come on, Charity, we gotta go." "We gotta foreclose on that Smith place before 3:00." "Thank you, Thing." "Hello." " Oh, darling, it's you." " Who you calling "darling"?" "Your son, Pugsley." "Yes, darling." "Really?" "Oh, that's wonderful!" "Yes, goodbye, dear." "Pugsley has a position with Mr. Henson." "And Wednesday is assisting." "Henson's a big man in property management." "I suppose they'll have to start at the bottom." "No, at the top." "They're cleaning out Mr. Henson's attic." "Little scamps don't waste much time getting going." "With their deft way with blasting caps, they'll have that attic cleaned out before you can say, "Take cover."" "My dear, it took me years to acquire the proficiency of the Australian Aborigine with the boomerang." "So don't be too disappointed at the showing you first make." "All right, now try it, my dear." " Yes, that's it." " Like this, dear?" "Yes, indeed." "Not bad for a beginner!" "Now, the essential quality of the boomerang is that..." " It returns to its thrower." " Correct." "As a matter of fact, a real expert can make it return..." "Again and again." "Wonderful!" "Seven more years of lovely luck." " Hi!" " Hi!" " Hi!" " My little working force." "Home from the first day on the job." "What did the Hensons think of your work?" "They didn't get back yet." "But it's all done." "Wonderful!" "Trust an Addams to finish the job." "Finish the job?" "They're the first Addamses who've ever had one!" "I'll get that." "Thank you, Thing." "Hello?" "Yes, Mr. Henson." "How delightful to hear from you again." "Well, of course we can come right over." "We'll be there in a few moments." "Probably want to show us the children's great work." "He seemed very excited about something." "Excited?" "Of course, I'm excited!" "Look what those kids of yours did to my hedge!" "Oh!" "Oh, well, I don't blame you for being excited about that." "That's sheer artistry." "All I said was trim it." "Trim, trim, trim." "Mr. Henson." "Anyone can trim a hedge." "It takes imagination to shape it." "All that wonderful talent in those pudgy little hands." "Well, let me show you something else those pudgy little hands did!" "I told them to clean the car, inside and out." "Sounds fair enough." "This way?" "By george, I wish I'd thought of that." "Lurch just shakes our car out." "It's soaked!" "You lucky man." "Stock it with trout, you won't even have to leave the garage to go fishing." "Dear Pugsley." "He's so original." "I can't wait to see how they handled the attic." "Oh, they did a real bang-up job on the attic." "Look there!" "All I asked them to do was to clean out the attic and get rid of everything." "Well, they certainly cleaned it out." "There isn't a trace of anything." "I'm gonna have to rebuild that whole east wing." "And I assure you, sir," "I'm gonna sue you for every dime's worth of damage that fat little demon of yours caused." "Gomez." "Is he talking about Pugsley?" "I guess so." "Although I never thought of him as a demon." "Mr. Henson!" "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to apologize." "Apologize?" "I'm calling my lawyers immediately." "In that case, Henson, I am going to have to countersue." "You!" "Sue me for what?" "Henson, you're running an illegal sweatshop." "Sweatshop!" "There are still child-labor laws in this country, Henson." "You could be in a lot of trouble." "Come along, my dear." "I'm going home to prepare my case." "Mr. Henson." "I want you to know that Wednesday and Pugsley will never have my permission to work for you again." "We, therefore, hold that the deponent is guilty as charged of violating due process and illegally using little children." "Getting all that, Thing?" "Now, we could use a nice, resounding legal phrase right here." "Habeas corpus?" " Nolo contendere?" " Tish." " That's French!" " It's Latin." "Oh." "Type that up right away, will you, Thing?" "Lurch!" "What's the meaning of this?" " Found him." " Found him?" "Lurking on the porch." " I..." " Put Mr. Henson in the good chair, Lurch." "I was not lurking!" "I was just trying to get up enough nerve to ring the bell." "I'm not surprised, after the way you've behaved." "Is there something you wanted to tell us, Mr. Henson?" "Like pleading guilty?" "I warn you, Henson, anything you say may be held against you." "Look, my wife and I have talked this over." "We don't want to go to court." " I'm on the verge of bankruptcy now." " Oh." "Well, if you're a little short, perhaps we could go to small claims court?" "I don't want to go to any court." "I don't want any more trouble." "All I want is a new attic, a dry car, and a little handful of hedge seed." "That doesn't seem like he's asking for too much, darling." "Let's get one thing straight, Henson." " You do admit your guilt in this case?" " Oh, I..." "You do admit our boy did exactly what you asked him to do?" "I admit it." "I admit it." "And you're sorry?" "Oh, I am sorry." "Believe me." "I'm sorry I ever saw that boy of yours." "All I wanted was to get my attic cleaned out, my hedge trimmed, so I could sell the place." "Well, the attic couldn't have been cleaned out any cleaner." "Or the hedge trimmed any prettier." "So it's a deal." "You wanna buy the place?" "Mr. Addams can't resist a clean attic and a shapely hedge." "Well, I was going to ask $20,000 for the place." " 25,000, not a penny less." " Sold!" "Sold!" "All right. 5, 10, 15, 20, 25." "Here's 5 to grow on." "Thank you." "Oh, you sweet, generous, lovely people." " Hi, Mr. Henson." " Hi, Mr. Henson." "You lovely, wonderful children." "Oh, I don't know how to thank you." "Oh, thank you, Mrs. Addams." "And thank you, Mr. Addams." "And thank you, sir..." " Little unstable, wouldn't you say?" " Yes." "Well, darlings." "I must admit your first job was a smashing success." " See you." " Where're you going?" "We're going to put in for unemployment." "And social security." "Don't you think you're rushing things a bit?" "Your mother is absolutely right." "It'll have to wait until tomorrow." "Sayonara, Tokyo" "Wonderful." "Terrible." "Wonderful." "Terrible." "Wonderful." "Terrible." "Darling, what's wonderful?" "Consolidated Fuzz just went up 47 points." " What's terrible?" " I don't own any." "Oh." "Who's that?" "My dear, the greatest asset in business is manpower." "Now, obviously, Pugsley and Wednesday are very valuable manpower." "So I've put them to work in our own attic." "Very clever, darling." "And very economical, too." "We'll never again have to clean that Louis XIV chandelier." "Sayonara..."