"(Morly) As a young constable at Scotland Yard, we were taught that we had 101 powers of arrest" "It soon appeared that our criminal adversaries, however, had 1,001 powers of resistance" "I intend to share all of these with you delightful ladies" "And to comfort you in the knowledge that each and every one of you is a walking arsenal [women laughing]" "Night has fallen" "An attacker attacks" "You have nothing but an umbrella" "How shall I defend thee?" "Let me count the ways [women giggling]" "A rapier?" "[women gasping]" "A saber?" "A jabber?" "[women gasping]" "A grabber?" "Oh [women laughing]" "Steady, love" "Now, Mrs Uh, Miss" "Miss Steinhardt?" "Your keys" "Deadly keys, lethal keys held thus and raked across your assailant's face" "A slash, a gash, [women gasping] after which I advise you to beat a hasty retreat [women laughing]" "Now, lets have a look at this little bag of tricks here" "Ooh" "It's heavy, Chief Inspector" "It is heavy, Mrs, uhuh, Columbo" "It's very heavy" "It is a weapon It's a mace Use it as such [exclaiming] [women squealing] [women laughing]" "A resounding slap across the villain's ear" "Oh" "And speaking of mace, let me introduce you to the more contemporary Mace" "An evilsmelling and blinding gas [women exclaiming] [women coughing]" "It's not very nice, is it?" "Well, I'll tell you more about this kind of mace when next we meet, but in the meantime, with your permission, madam, may I delve deeper into your arsenal?" "[clearing throat]" "What have we here?" "Oh [laughing]" "How embarrassing" "A recently published book on the subject of murder" "Seven Who Beat The Headsman by lan A Morly, an obscure genius [women laughing]" "A detective chief inspector, retired" "I advise each of you ladies to buy a copy at your local bookstore" "Under no circumstances visit the public library" "Here's another weapon, a plastic card" "Stiff as steel and sharp as a knife" "A slashing blow across the face should do very nicely indeed [screeching] [women exclaiming]" "From this, I deduce deduce that Mrs Columbo is either a burglar or a journalist" "A burglar, because it should do very nicely for popping locks" "A journalist, because it appears to be a press card" "Oh, for The Weekly Advertiser" "Our neighborhood newspaper" "If you roll it up, it makes a terrific weapon [women laughing]" "Very impressive" "There" "I have you, Mrs Columbo Oh" "You are in my power" "What are you going to do?" "Spray you with gas, Chief Inspector" "I think you've just been Maced" "With a fountain pen, madam?" "[sighs] [women laughing]" "In that case, would you autograph your book for me?" "With pleasure" ""For my fellow author [laughs] "and" ""deadly adversary"" "[all laughing]" "Mr Carmichael?" "Yes?" "My name is Morly" "Chief Inspector How good of you to visit me Do come in" "I'm so pleased you accepted my invitation" "May I take your coat?" "Thank you" "I must admit your telephone call intrigued me" "I hoped it would" "Your fire's very welcome" "Yes, it is" "As I told you, I enjoyed your book immensely" "Would you care for brandy?" "Please" "Here you are" "Thank you" "Mmmhmm" "A compendium of seven true and perfect murders" "Oh" "You might have called it" "Seven Who Got Away With It" "I considered that title Cheers" "Perhaps for my next book, if I can manage to research all the material" "You promised me an appropriate case" "I hope you'll find it as fascinating as your own collection" "Especially The Murder of Lilli Corday" "I must admit I enjoyed that one myself" "Tell me about your murderer" "Who was the victim?" "[clicking]" "You are" "Indeed [clearing throat]" "[gasps]" "Oh, my lit's not that" "that Carmichael?" "Is it really?" "Lilli's Carmichael?" "Poor Lilli's murder" "All those years ago" "I was We were all under the impression that you had drowned in the Thames the night the police came to arrest you for a murder you never committed" "A murder you committed" "Whatever gave you that idea?" "From your book of perfect murders" "A common prostitute was rather cleverly murdered by a rising young politician when she threatened to expose their relationship" "The police mistakenly assumed, because of your own relationship with Lilli, that you had killed her" "You shattered my life" "I intend to shatter yours, Chief Inspector" "My dear fellow," "I wasn't even on the case" "You can hardly imagine that I would have put Lilli's death into my book if I were the murderer" "No, my dear Mr Carmichael" "Your argument is absurd, and I can prove that beyond a shadow of doubt if you'll kindly refrain from squeezing that trigger for 30 seconds, whilst I, uh" "Is it all right if I write on this?" "All your sufferings might have been spared [gasping]" "[grunting] [gun firing] [groans]" "Oh, my" "Hello?" "Uh, my name is Carmichael" "I'm in the Country Club Apartments" "Can you help me?" "II don't want to live" "I don't want to die ll'm afraid" "I want to live" "I want to die" "(woman on phone) Hello?" "Hello?" "Can you hear me?" "Hello?" "Hello?" "Hello?" "Can I help you?" "Hello?" "[gun firing]" "[police siren wailing]" "Oh, my [gasping]" "[door opening]" "(Boone) How do I know where to take him?" "Wherever you take suicides, that's where you take him" "All right boys, all wrapped up" "You can go eat now" "Why, Chief Inspector Morly" "Oh, Mrs Columbo" "Isn't it?" "I was, uh, just" "They've all left" "Apparently" "Are you helping them?" "The police" "Oh, no, no, no, just the responses of an old warhorse" "I received a telephone call from this, uh, Mr Carmichael" "Oh, his name wasn't really Carmichael" "Excuse me?" "I mean he just rented the apartment under the name of Carmichael, but his real name was Saunders" "That's what his identification said" "That's what Sgt Boone said" "Well, uh, I'm afraid I wasn't acquainted with this, uh, Carmichael, Saunders or whatever his name was" "I, uh, understand the poor fellow shot himself" "He said he had some valuable material for my new book, so I arranged to meet him here in his apartment" "It isn't his apartment" "Excuse me?" "There's nothing in there" "I mean, he just rented it but he never moved in" "I found this [laughs]" "There must be a mate to it somewhere" "He burned it" "Excuse me?" "In the fireplace" "Ugh, do you smell it?" "Mmm, it's very strong" "I asked Sgt Boone why somebody who was going to commit suicide would burn his rubber" "Sgt Boone said he didn't want to discuss it" "But do you have a theory?" "Uh, no, I'm afraid not" "Did you, um, know the deceased?" "Oh, no, no, nothing like that" "The call came in while I was at the police station for my, uh, my newspaper" "The Weekly Advertiser" "Oh, it's just parttime" "Mostly when my daughter's in school" "Fascinating work" "Mmm" "I write a lot about how the PTA is trying to raise money" "II must admit I'm looking forward to a cup of tea" "We don't get many murders" "Murders?" "I mean, if it isn't suicide" "Why wouldn't it be suicide?" "It's these paintings" "This one and that one over there" "There's something wrong with them" "But I'm sure you'll get it right away, Chief Inspector" "They're just, uh, inexpensive reproductions" "There's nothing very special about them" "No, it's this darker area" "Don't you think that's interesting?" "Is it?" "Well, there must have been a bigger picture here" "Like that one" "And that one belongs somewhere else" "Yes, you're possibly right That's nicely deduced" "Mrs Columbo, would you join me in a cup of tea?" "I know a nice tearoom Very English" "Oh, I'd love to But just look, Chief Inspector" "When I tried hanging this painting over there" "Youyou did?" "look what I found" "It's a bullet hole I think it's a bullet hole" "Well, it is Isn't it a bullet hole?" "It certainly appears to be a, uh, a bullet hole" "Oh, I'm so glad, because I left a message for Sgt Boone [laughing] You did indeed?" "How wonderful of you" "You're quite a detective, Mrs Columbo [laughing] Oh, why, thank you, Chief Inspector" "I'm gonna tell my boss you said that" "Oh, there's one more thing" "Mrs Columbo Tea" "It's this painting" "There's something else wrong with this painting, don't you think?" "Is there?" "II don't quite see it" "You see how the light's coming from this side?" "You see how the artist painted it that way?" "Yes, I doMrs Columbo" "But he painted this shadow, this way" "Why would he paint the shadow like that?" "The painter you're referring to, Mrs Columbo, was Rembrandt" "The painting, I believe, is called The Officer" "Rembrandt painted The Officer over 300 years ago" "The mystery is forever and irretrievably buried" "Even for a sleuth of your own formidable powers" "Tea, Mrs Columbo" "I think you're making charming conversation, but you're really thinking about that bullet hole" "I must admit, you've read my mind, Mrs Columbo" "Just consider this poor chap Carmichael" "Saunders" "Oh, Saunders, Carmichael, just consider him sitting on the edge of an emotional precipice" "Does he want to live, does he want to die?" "What is it like?" "What will it feel like?" "What will it sound like?" "So, experimentally, he looses off a bullet into the wall" "And then switches the paintings and covers it up" "The bullet hole in the wall is proof that he intended to kill himself" "But, at that" "At that very moment, he changed his mind" "And so he switched over the paintings to cover up the evidence of his shattered will" "Oh, that's very perceptive, Chief Inspector" "Merely a suggestion" "May I make a suggestion?" "I'm sure you will, Mrs Columbo" "Someone else could have been in the room" "He fired the shot and he missed" "Or maybe Carmichael fired the shot and then the other guy got the gun and killed him" "Murder" "It's just a suggestion" "Why did he telephone his intention to commit suicide?" "And what about the, uh, galosh" "The rubber in the fireplace?" "Chief Inspector" "I think you really are going to help the police" "I bet you're enjoying yourself more than you want to admit" "I'm having the time of my life, Mrs Columbo" "[muttering]" "(Jenny on intercom) Mommy, now hear this" "Now hear what?" "Do I get to say good night to daddy?" "Not unless you plan to stay up till 3 o'clock in the morning" "What are you doing?" "I am writing about a lady who got to be 95 years old by drinking sauerkraut juice" "Can we play a game?" "I've got a better idea, honey" "Let's play a game" "What kind of game?" "Word game Yes, no, or maybe" "Hmm" "A man's locked in his room in his own house, and he can't get out Why?" "Is he in the cellar?" "No" "Is he alone in the house?" "Yes" "The man is very rich and the house is very big and the room is an elevator, and the elevator's stuck between the floors" "You knew it" "We played it last month, dopey" "You do one" "Okay" "It's raining outside" "The man is in a room with a fireplace" "And he's very sad" "And he burns one of his rubbers in the fireplace" "Why?" "Is anybody else in the room?" "I don't know" "Yes, no, or maybe" "Maybe" "Hmm" "It's freezing cold, and he doesn't have anything else to make a fire [laughs]" "No" "He wants to play a trick on somebody?" "Maybe" "Hmm" "His mother made him burn his rubbers so he wouldn't wear them in the house [laughing] That's ridiculous" "Then what's the answer?" "I don't know, honey" "That's a dumb game" "It's a gotosleep game" "There isn't any answer, and you have to think about it, and it makes you go to sleep" "Good night" "(Jenny) Oh, Mom?" "Huh?" "I think he just wanted it to make a bad smell, like Walter did when he burned the beach ball" "Is that what Walter did?" "He's funny" "He's very good at games" "Good night, you little blueeyed wonder" "Dumb game" "[birds chirping]" "For Emily, my love" "Why, dear, oh" "And one for Mrs Columbo" "Oh, damn lan lll'm dreadfully sorry" "II seemed to have pricked my thumb" "Oh, come, come say hello" "How very nice to see you again" "Oh, thank you, sir" "You looked so content out there, we couldn't bear to disturb you" "We've been getting along famously" "I'm going to teach Mrs Columbo how to make my lime marmalade, and she's going to teach me how to make, uh, dum sim" "Dim sum Chinese dumplings" "What splendid news" "(Mrs Columbo) I've got better news than that, Chief Inspector" "You are going to be delighted" "Am I?" "(Emily) There you are, dear" "Did you know that Mrs Columbo is married to a police lieutenant?" "No, I didn't know that" "Homicide He works Central" "We must all get together sometime" "Now, Mrs Columbo, tell me the good news" "Remember the burned rubber?" "The rubber Oh, the galosh" "(Emily) Inin the fireplace, dear" "Mrs Columbo's been telling me" "Carmichael's galoshes" "No, no, Saunders, dear" "I think somebody burned it to try and cover up a smell in the room" "Uh, you can't be serious" "That's what Sgt Boone said" "But then he examined the body again and guess what he found?" "(Emily) lan, you'll never believe it" "Carmichael had a false beard" "Aa false beard?" "And under the beard, traces of tear gas" "(Emily) TThat must've been the smell, dear" "Have some marmalade" "Oh, that is really terrific marmalade" "But the teargas smell, maybe that's what the murderer was trying to cover up" "Tear gas Uh, murderer" "It's really all very confusing" "Sgt Boone thinks so, too" "He says a man named Saunders" "Oh, did I tell you?" "He worked as a waiter at the Piccadilly Music Hall" "A waiter at the, uh No" "Sgt Boone says, the way he sees it," "Saunders rented a furnished apartment under the name of Carmichael to commit suicide" "He burned his rubber in the fireplace, fired a shot into the wall, switched the paintings, called the police and said he didn't want to live, he didn't want to die, he wanted to die," "he wanted to live, and shot himself" "Then he squirted himself in the face with tear gas and put on a false beard" "Really, lan Does that sound like suicide?" "It's certainly very bizarre" "You will have to work on it, dear" "Oh, please, Chief Inspector" "It would make such a terrific story for The Weekly Advertiser" "Ladies, I promise on my solemn oath to know no peace until I have disposed of the strange death, of Mr Carmichael" "(Emily) Saunders, dear [laughs]" "Sauerkraut juice?" "300 words on sauerkraut juice?" "Well, it's not the juice It's the lady's 95 years old" "She still jogs" "Mrs Columbo, everybody that breaks 90 has a recipe for longevity [phones ringing]" "Back on the Memphis Gazette, I met a 93yearold man, who did the trick with stewed banana peels [typewriter clacking]" "Slice the sauerkraut lady in half, and I'll take 200 words on the lavender fireplugs" "Yes, Mr Alden" "Don't you think" "I never think" "I bought a neighborhood newspaper we give away for nothing" "Does that sound like a guy that thinks?" "You got any more questions?" "What's OS tear gas?" "Why?" "Sgt Boone said they found OS tear gas underneath Carmichael's beard" "I thought his name was Saunders" "It's very complicated" "There's two kinds of tear gas," "OS and OC, that's military" "Orthochlorobenzalmalonitrile" "Don't put that in your story" "This is a newspaper, not an information service" "What's OS?" "That's the stuff the police use" "They call it Mace" "Mace?" "Mace" "[knocking on door]" "Excuse me" "Is this, uh" "Was this Mr Saunders' apartment?" "That's right" "My name is Morly lan Morly" "Chief Inspector?" "Retired" "You're welcome, sir" "You come right in" "I'm Sgt Boone" "Yeah" "Mrs Columbo, she's told me a lot about you, sir" "I must admit she's spoken about you many times" "She asked me if, uh," "II would take a personal interest in this case" "I hope you don't mind" "It would be an honor, sir" "We can start with these" "Galoshes" "These are Mr Saunders' rubbers" "Rubbers" "I'd say they were about the same size as the one that got burned" "Would you say that?" "Mmm, roughly" "What I was wondering, is that a coincidence or is it important?" "[clearing throat]" "If it were, uh, important, would it be a coincidence?" "That's what I was wondering" "Onon the other hand, if it were a coincidence, would it be important?" "So you see, it's six of one, half a dozen of the other [laughing]" "Oh, right, sir" "I see what you mean" "Um, shall we look further, Sergeant?" "I'll tell you the truth, I've got a tough job here" "In my report, I called it suicide" "All that stuff about a false beard and the tear gas and the bullet hole, there's still got to be a way I can make it come out suicide" "We'll do our very best, Sergeant" "Something wrong?" "Oh, no Just an author's vanity, I suppose" "If you can call writing a single book being an author" "I was wondering if Mr Saunders possessed a copy of it" "Seven Who Beat The Headsman, sir?" "That's it" "Have you read it?" "Not yet" "But Mrs Columbo read it" "She told me she's reading it again" "Is she, indeed?" "Well, I suppose the book could be anywhere" "Not your book, sir" "I've been over this whole place" "I would have noticed it" "It's a minor matter" "But I think you just slipped up, sir" "Have I?" "Mrs Columbo, she said that Mr Saunders called you about your book" "When he called himself Carmichael" "Yes, he did, indeed" "So he must have bought a copy after all" "Obvious [laughs]" "How stupid of me to have forgotten [both laughing]" "It's probably at that place he worked" "That Music Hall place [people applauding] [crowd laughing]" "But enough of this bragging" "I say a man's got to sleep with his conscience" "That is, if he can't find something better [audience laughing]" "Oh, well, now, let's get on with our show" "At practically no expense and very little trouble, we bring you The Great Merlini [audience applauding] [music playing]" "[drums beating]" "Shut up!" "[people laughing]" "(Merlini) What do you want, a knighthood?" "Good evening ladies and gentlemen" "The first thing every magician does is to introduce his very charming and attractive assistant" "I can't afford one [people laughing]" "So whatever it is, I shall come down here amongst you and possibly get a volunteer from the audience Good evening, sir" "Good evening You're looking well" "Suit's coming back into style Good evening, madam" "I've found the volunteer Up this way Wait" "Come along, my dear" "And now, for my first trick" "Trick, did I say trick?" "Miracle!" "Miracle!" "Stand over here, my dear" "Stand right there" "How about a nice hand for my very willing volunteer?" "[all applauding] [music playing]" "[audience laughing]" "Oh, there you are [laughing]" "Well, now, ladies and gentlemen, you will notice that my assistant is tallying up the numbers you've given her" "And I must point out, I have performed this trick before the Duke of Edinburgh" "The Prince of Wales, The Marquis of Granby, and several other well known pubs [all laughing]" "[sighs]" "[drum rolling]" "Now, ladies and gentlemen, the trick you've all been waiting for, the one advertised on the placard [drum rolling]" "What is the secret number?" "[drum rolling]" "(Merlini) The secret number is [drum rolling] seven [audience laughing] [drum rolling]" "What?" "Oh, what?" "[audience laughing] [audience applauding]" "Funny" "Very, very funny" "Back to your seat, love, thank you" "I've got a wife and two kids to support [laughs]" "Good, isn't it?" "Yes" "Anyway, let's give the little lady a little hand [all applauding]" "Enough, don't spoil her" "And now, for my next failure" "I'm so sorry, dear" "It's just a little headache" "(Mrs Columbo) Chief Inspector" "Hello, Chief Inspector [chuckling]" "More good news, Chief Inspector" "You were just lovely" "Oh, thank you, Mrs Morly" "Look what I found in Mr" "Mr Carmichael's locker" "Why, that's your book, dear" "He had it locked up?" "Oh, no, it was open, but I locked it after I got the book" "How efficient" "I still don't quite understand the significance" "Oh, excuse me" "One of the chapters is missing" "Cut right out" "The part about the murder of Lilli Corday" "And the man they accused of killing her, the man who drowned himself, his name" "Carmichael" "There you go, Chief Inspector" "He's miles ahead of me again [all laughing]" "Tada!" "Dim sum Homemade" "[Morly chuckles]" "(Emily) Oh, you couldn't have" "(Mrs Columbo) Well, they were really for my husband, but he's working late again tonight" "Oh, what a pity" "But, I've got another surprise for you, Chief Inspector" "You wrote that a politician murdered Lilli and then framed a man named Carmichael" "You know, lan once told me that it wasn't really a politician" "He said it was someone else, and he's still alive" "That is really beside the point, dear" "But, I think the point is that your Mr Carmichael was drowned" "Only he wasn't" "He wasn't?" "If you look here, Chief Inspector, in our Mr Carmichael's book, in the table of contents, you see that?" ""The murder of Lilli Corday" "I am the murderer"" ""I am the murderer" Hmm, that's remarkable" "Mmm, isn't it, dear?" "Carmichael wrote that" "The same Carmichael who was supposed to be drowned but he was living right here in Los Angeles, and now we know who killed him" "Living with the guilt all these years, he read your book, and he called you to confess" "To confess!" "Yeah, oh" "Excuse me To confess, of course" "And then, upset, terribly frightened" "Overwrought" "Knowing his own life was over" "The poor man committed suicide" "A clear case of suicide" "Your Sgt Boone was right, after all" "Carmichael shot himself" "And then he Maced himself and put on a false beard" "[sighing]" "(Mrs Columbo) Why, Chief Inspector" "Why, [laughs]" "Mrs Columbo" "I think I have some more good news for you" "I dare say" "For your next book" "A perfect murder" "This one's terrific" "Where did you turn up this delightful little crime?" "Oh, in my spare time" "For my neighborhood newspaper" "Tell me about it" "It's about Carmichael" "Saunders" "Carmichael was his real name in England" "He used his real name when he rented this apartment" "And maybe when he arranged the meeting with the man you said killed Lilli Corday" "An English politician?" "Out here in Los Angeles?" "But you told your wife he wasn't really a politician, remember?" "I'm beginning to see your point" "Carmichael, uh, inin a false beard, extracting his revenge" "Then revealing himself" "You're way ahead of me again, Chief Inspector" "But then the visitor turned the tables" "That's where the Mace came in" "Carmichael's gun went off" "The bullet hole in the wall" "Then he shot Carmichael" "Switched the paintings to hide the hole" "Put back the beard to hide the Mace" "Burned the rubber to kill the smell Oh" "Your wife said this was your rubber, Chief Inspector" "Did she?" "Well, one of those is very much like another" "Tell me more about your murderer" "It had to be the same man who killed Lilli Corday" "Well, now your little fantasy is getting confusing, Mrs Columbo" "Carmichael did away with Lilli" "It's all there" "Don'tdon't you remember the confession, "I am the murderer? "" "Oh, yes [chuckling]" "But then there's these, Chief Inspector" "I got them at the library" "Copies of English newspaper stories" "About you, Chief Inspector" "See that?" ""lnspector IAM nabs gallery thief" ""IAM Stalks Mayfair Strangler" "IAM Does it again"" "You were a very famous man," "Inspector lan A Morly" "IAM" "Oh, it doesn't say, "I am the murderer"" "It says:" ""IAM," "Murderer"" "Open to interpretation" "Wouldn't you say?" "Oh, yes, absolutely open, no proof at all" "But then there's this" "Art book, huh?" "Rembrandt, Chief Inspector" "I think you're going to be very proud of me" "You see, it's the very same picture" "Mmm" "The Officer" "You see how the light goes?" "Yes" "Now, there's that shadow again" "You see?" "That shadow there?" "Uh, perhaps it's a flaw in the reproduction" "Well, that's exactly what I thought" "But then I thought about something caught in the lamp" "Something the, uh, murderer dropped when he switched the paintings or maybe" "it fell out of his pocket" "You see?" "Now, it's gone" "Yes, it has [chuckling]" "Your Mace pen, Chief Inspector" "You killed Carmichael" "And you killed Lilli Corday" "[laughing]" "Ininin the circumstances, Mrs Columbo, don't you feel the slightest bit of trepidation?" "Oh, no" "I think you're a very nice man" "[laughing]" "Two murders" "One, all those years ago, illconceived" "The other, a few days ago, inadvertent" "Yet another might, uh, I feel, be painting the lily" "Yes," "I thought so, too" "You're a remarkable woman, Mrs Columbo" "Coming from IAM," "I'd say that's quite a compliment" "Of course, you've conveyed all this information to the police" "Sgt Boone's thinking it over [laughing] Sgt Boone" "Would it, uh" "Might it possible for me to spend an hour or two with my wife before you continue your conversation with Sgt Boone?" "It'll be one more case to tell her about, won't it, Chief Inspector?"