"Most recently, I gave man-birth to a weighty tome called God Hates Us All, which was turned into a movie called..." "A Crazy Little Thing Called Love." "You started when you cheated on me." "Cheating isn't just about fucking someone." "Are you trying to make me throw up now?" "Happy endings may get a bad rep, but they do happen." "It is possible maybe one day you and Mom could get back together?" "Anything's possible." "Get on with your life and forget about the woman you didn't want to marry." "Moody." "Oh, hey, sis." "What's up?" "The white zone is for the immediate loading and unloading of passengers only." "Please do not leave your vehicle unattended." " Pop." " Hey, kiddo." "On time, as always." "Sorry, I had a late shoot last night." "How was the flight?" "Bumpy as fuck, but the cocktails helped." "So did business class, thank you very much." " A guy could get used to that kind of thing." " You're welcome." "Not only is it a better meal, it's a better class of stewardess." "You should have seen the one I had." "Sweet Jesus, guide me." "I think they call them flight attendants now, Pop." "She had tits out to here, legs for days, an ass like a ten-year-old boy." "Goddamn." "That's pretty." "What kind of flower is that?" "That's a purple... purple flower." "Nobody likes a smartass." "I don't have a fucking clue, which never seems to stop you from asking me every other goddamn time." "Watch your mouth." "I don't know if you've noticed, but it's kind of crazy for me lately." "I don't really have time to stop and smell the flowers and then look up their proper names online." "You find any time to get married?" " No." "Still living in sin." " Ah, your poor mother." " She's dead, Pop." " I know." "She's probably doing somersaults in her grave right now." "Aw, shit." "What do you think?" "It's pretty fancy, kid." " Yeah." " Sure you can afford it?" "Don't sweat it." "I'll be fine." "If you say so." "OK, who do I have to fuck to get a cocktail around here?" "So, what are your thoughts on rehab?" "Rehab is for quitters." "Come on." "Come on!" " How come I don't know your name?" " You haven't asked." " Well, let's not stand on ceremony." " Trixie." "Trixie?" "That is a terrific name..." "If you're a hooker." "What makes you think I'm not a hooker?" "Well, for one, you're far too beautiful." "And secondly, even if you were a street-walkin' cheetah," "I would get you to give it to me gratis." " Oh, you think so, huh?" " I have never paid for sex in my life." "I doubt that." "Oh, speak of the she-devil." " Hey." " Hey." " Karen, Trixie." "Trixie, Karen." " Nice to meet you." "We're trying to determine if she is a professional sex worker." "Oh." "How nice for you both." " I need you to come with me." " And I need to use the restroom." "You do that." "Chicks with small bladders are hot." " Thanks." " To be continued." " So, your sister called." " Well, I figured she would." "Hank, I'm so sorry." "Well, I don't know what to do with that exactly, but thank you, I guess." " Do you want to get out of here?" " Yeah." "Where?" " Home." " Oh, home." "That sounds nice." "But where is that exactly... home?" "Your home?" "My home?" "Our home?" "Hank, I got you a ticket." "I hope that's fully refundable because I ain't going." "You're not going to your dad's funeral?" " He was a fucking asshole." " Come on, Hank, you don't mean that." "Don't tell me what I mean." "Don't try to mother me." "Half the time you act like you don't give a shit." " Now you care?" " I've always cared." "It's easy to say." "Hi." "Sir Trix-a-lot." "Want to get out of here?" "Sure." "Meter's running." "The meter's running." " What should we name him?" " I know..." "let's call him Love." "A crazy little thing called love." "And..." "Cut!" "That was fucking cash!" " Carr, what the fuck?" " What the fuck, what?" "I'm not sure, but I think my rectum just prolapsed." " What's with the fucking dialogue?" " They rewrote it themselves in the trailer." " He thought we could end on the kiss." " What do you think?" "I think the man is money and we should listen to whatever the fuck he says." "If he wants to tuck his magical movie-star cock between his legs and do the pee-pee dance, I'm putting that on film, too." "And I would wait on line to see it." "Meanwhile, you're turning my movie into a piece of shit." "Your book, my movie." "Don't be a backseat director, Moody." "All due respect, sir, but your boy is exhausting." "Tell me about it." "Drove us all batshit growing up." "That was fantastic, guys." "I hate that runty little motherfucker." "I don't know, seemed like a nice enough guy to me." "Very charismatic." "I liked him in that Vietnam movie." "He played a good cripple." "Pop, when there's no more room in hell and the devil himself walks the earth, don't you think he'll be playing cripples and charming his way into the pants of many?" "I'm proud of you, kid." " Why?" " Why?" "This is the American dream, right here." "Your name is going to be up on the silver screen." " You'll be immortal." " I've written a couple books, too." "They'll be around long after I'm gone." " That's not the same." " You haven't read them." "Your mother filled me in." "It's too many words for me." "You know who's a good writer?" "James Patterson." "I read one of his books on the plane." " Hank Moody." " Amber, hi." "How are you?" " Good." " This is Amber." "She's in the film." " Amber, this is my old man, Al." " So nice to meet you." "The moodiest of the Moodys." "I see the apple doesn't fall far from the tree." "Come see me?" "I've got some thoughts." "OK, couple minutes?" "Cool." "Oh, I've got some thoughts, too..." "Some thoughts that are making it just a little bit crowded in my pants." "What's the story, morning glory?" "Whoa." "Settle down." "I'm a happily non-married man." "Aahh!" "I always wanted to do that." "Fuck, that's good." "Funny." "Good for you." "Who says America isn't the land of opportunity?" "Yep, another $10 dream come true." " It's gonna cost you a little more than that." " Stop that!" "Maybe I should do one off your rib cage." "As you wish." "So, what are you running from?" "Oh, please." "No one holes up in a hotel room with a hooker and a pile of blow without being on the run from something." "Stop joking about the hooker stuff." "You're making me paranoid." "Maybe it's the blow." " I'm not joking." " Yes, you are." " No." " Oh, come on." "Really?" "Let me get this straight..." "Your name is Trixie and you are in fact a whore?" "My name is Beatrice." "My parents thought it would be cute to call me Trixie." "Oh." "Wow." "They still think it's cute?" "They're dead." "Well, here's a thought." "Why don't..." "I do you this time, and then we call it even?" "Well, we can do whatever you want, but you're still gonna get a bill for services rendered." "What about the blow?" "I paid for the blow and you partook." " Doesn't that get me a discount?" " Sorry, sweetie." "What about the sex itself?" "Was that..." "I mean, how... how..." "Well, I would be lying if I didn't say that there were moments that I thought to myself," ""Whore, this isn't such a bad way to earn a living"." "OK, why don't we just call it casual sex between consenting adults?" "Why don't you just pay me, and I'll be on my way?" "Because then I'd miss you." "You can't snort a line of coke off a woman's ass and not wonder about her hopes and dreams." "It's not gentlemanly." "If you want to keep me on the clock, I'll tell you what I wanted to be when I grew up." "OK." "Oh." "You take Diner's Club?" "I'm not kidding." "I don't..." "I don't have any cash." "You don't have any cash?" " I got the one." " Oh." "How's the world's sexiest architect doing?" "Grandpa!" "Your mother happens to be a world-class beauty." "Too good for this mutt father of yours." "I'm remodelling a place in Venice." " The client wants it all green." " Painted green?" "Who is he... the Jolly Green Giant?" "You have no idea how close you are to the truth." "You should meet this guy." "He's a total dial tone." "Just a..." "He's paying me very well." "He's got great taste, and he's not an earth-hater." "What's not to like?" "Maybe the fact that he seems to have a huge crush on you." " Oh, please." "He does not." " Becca agrees with me." "He does get a little goofy around you, Mom." "See?" "He gets goofy around you." "What about all those actresses on your set?" "Oh, come on." "Yeah, I think I met one of those today." "You better be careful, Karen." "This one was sex on a stick." "No, no, I didn't think she was that attractive." "I thought she was more of an eyesore, really." "Are you kidding... the way she hugged you?" "It almost triggered my angina." "Well-played, Pop." "Come again soon... please." "What's an angina?" "Do I have one of those?" "No, sweetie." "Do you want to come to the zoo with us tomorrow, Grandpa?" "Would that I could, my love, but I have to go down to San Diego to see an old friend." "Do you want to come with us, Dad?" "I'm sorry, baby." "I've got to work." "I can't." "That's why you're here?" "Come on, don't be such a whiny little bitch, Hank." "Once again, my apologies, miss." "He is sometimes... a whiny little bitch." " Hey!" " Rebecca, that's not funny." "That's really not funny." "That little fuzz coming from your bottom lip..." "Are you gonna be a trumpet player or something?" "Yeah, I'm gonna be a trumpet player." " Breathe." "Count to ten." " It just pisses me off." "Becca actually wants to spend time with the guy, and he's got to go run off and visit some old cooze he was banging on the side 30 years ago." " Shh." " What?" "Why do you even care any more?" "Because that's exactly the type of shit that put my mother into an early grave, that's why." "Hank, he's an old man." "Give the guy a break." "Whatever wrongs he's committed, just put them to one side." "You're not gonna change it now." "Anyway, the guy probably has three erections left." "You should let him enjoy them." "That fucker is the horniest man I have ever met." "He'll be pitching a tent on his deathbed." "I don't know why you're so pissed at him for not spending time with his family." "You never do." "Oh, do not... do not turn this around on me." "Hank, I know you're busy." "It comes with the territory." "But I have not had a conversation with you for, like, three months." "You just don't give a shit any more." "Your head is so far up your own ass, and you don't even know it." " Really?" " Yeah, really." "I think you're right." "You're only saying that cos you feel sorry for me." "OK, here's the plan." "As soon as I finish the movie, we pack up the car and go back to New York City." " Hank, how can you be so self-absorbed?" " What?" "We came here for you, right?" "I had nothing here." "And now that I've started to make things work for me and I'm earning a living, it just means nothing to you." "You're redesigning houses for assholes." "How is that any different from redesigning scripts for assholes?" "It's not." "That's my point." "We got to get out of here before the city destroys us both." "You know, it's really not the city." "Come on, Tiny Dancer." "Is that the best you got?" "Oh, not the face." "He's too cute." "Thank..." "Fuck!" "Your pimp hand is strong." "Well-played, son." "That's not funny." "You OK?" "All right, what are we talking about here?" "What does he owe?" "You make me an offer, I will counter the shit out of it." "We will handle this like the proud, beautiful black men we are." " I need something for the valet." " Both our pimps are here." "Mine gets 10%." "What does yours get?" "10% of what exactly?" " See you later, sweetie." " Bye." " A veterinarian." " Huh?" "What?" "I always wanted to be a veterinarian when I grew up." "Oh." "Well, you know, it's never too late." "Good night." "OK, big boy." "Here we go." "You just cry it out." " It hurts." " I know it hurts." "No, you're fucking hurting me." " I'm sorry." " You're hurting my ears." "Why are you crying?" "I'm sorry about your old man." "He was a good guy." "He was not." "He used to say you looked like a walking penis." " Well, that's not very nice." " It's not." "All right, come on." "We got to get you on a plane." " Fuck that." " No, fuck you." "You're going on a plane to JFK tonight." "You're gonna be with your sisters." "You deal with this shit." "You don't run from it." "Don't tell me what to feel." "All my fucking life, people have been telling me I do things wrong." "I'm always the fucking asshole." "And I look around and I see everybody else is infinitely more fucked up than I am." "I don't know those people." "It could be the blow." "Yum." "Married or not, that's a hell of a family you got there, kiddo." "I like to think so." " Can I give you a bit of advice?" " Do I have a choice?" "I know things are crazy for you right now..." "I've been there, in my own way." "Just don't go so far that you cannot find your way back." "That's all I'm saying." "Keep 'em close." "Family comes first." "That borders on hysterical, coming from you and all." "What, I was so bad?" "Your mother and I were together till the bitter end." "Bitter, it was." "I can't believe you're gonna sit there and pretend to be all noble about this shit." "If you've got something on your mind, out with it." "You were always fucking someone else." "Your mother and I had a lot of problems." "We were married young, and we were not compatible in that way." " You know what I mean?" " I think I do, and I'd like somebody to fuckin' smack me over the head with a shovel right now... anyone." "I'm not proud of some of the things I do, but if I had to do it all over again," " I'm not sure I would go at it any differently." " Why do you say that?" "Because there's not a woman that I've crossed paths with that I haven't fallen in love with, whether it was for ten minutes or ten years." "What would have been better..." "a lifetime of denying that?" "Your mother was into all that Catholic guilt shit, not me." "Life's too short to dance with fat chicks." "Let me get this straight..." "The lesson here is keep the family together and fuck around on the side if your wife doesn't want to blow you any more." "You watch it." "I'm not so old that I won't kick the shit out of you." " I remember that shit, too." " So now I beat you?" "You know what the problem with your generation is?" "You think raising a hand to a kid is the same as child abuse." "I don't have it right in front of me, but I think that's the textbook definition." "Always the smartass." "Hey, it's your life..." "yours to screw up if you want to." "I was here a year ago." "You were much happier then..." "and even happier the year before that." "You're not going in the right direction." "That's all I'm saying." "I swear to fucking God, Karen," "I am not sleeping with anyone else." "Well, you're certainly not sleeping with me." "How is that my fault?" "Every time I get even remotely close to you, you run halfway across the room." "No, I don't." "Anyway, that didn't use to stop you." "You know what the weirdest thing is?" "I actually wish you were having an affair because then I would stop looking for clues everywhere." " I would never do that to you." " You say that." "That's just cos that's your fucking romantic ideal, but the truth is, you think about it." " Yes, I think about it." "Who doesn't?" " Well, I never did." "Never did?" "Past tense... that's a little unsettling." "Hank, you should try and live with someone who every day reminds you how fucking lucky you are to be with them!" " God damn it, that is not how I feel." " That is how you act." "Well, fuck, Karen." "It's life, then." "I guess it's hard sometimes." " You're gonna have to deal with it." " I am trying to deal with it!" "That's why I'm having this conversation with you." "Hank, we need to go see someone." "I am not going to a fucking shrink!" "I'm a writer!" "I don't give that shit away." " We're better than that!" " We're better than that?" "Because it feels to me like we're fucking dying here, Hank." "We are not talking." "We are not fucking." "Nothing is happening." "And?" "And I find myself wanting to talk to other people." "Like Bill?" "You fucking talking to Bill?" "The Jolly Green Giant?" " I'm kidding, Karen." " I don't even want to go down that road." "Have you fucked him?" "It's so fucking typical." "You go straight to the fucking." "You don't even care if I'm talking to him, if I'm telling him things..." "Just answer the fucking question!" "You didn't answer me." "Yes, I did." "You know me." "The talking and the fucking go hand in hand, Hank." " I got to get the fuck out of here." " No, no." "You know what?" " Allow me to do that." " Come here." "No." "Hank, this isn't gonna work." "OK?" "It's not gonna..." " Stop!" " Let me go!" " Is it safe?" " I don't know, honey." "You might want to grab a helmet." "There could be some shrapnel flying around." "Are you guys going to get a divorce?" "I think that's the good thing about never being married... it's impossible to get a divorce." "You know what I mean." "I know what you mean, and I'm doing the best I can." "Hey." "Yeah." ""To my son, the writer." ""Something I never said too much..." "I love you." ""My father never said it much, either." ""And I thought I'd be different, but I guess I'm not." ""I tried, but somewhere along the line, you slip back into what you know," ""and I'm sorry about that." ""And I'm sorry we haven't talked in a while because I miss you." ""You're a good kid and a funny kid." ""And you're my only son." ""I said I never read your books, but I lied." ""I read 'em all." ""I just didn't know how to talk about them with you." ""I didn't like the fathers in them." ""I know you writers take liberties," ""but I was afraid that maybe you didn't take any at all." ""But that's the thing..." ""Boys become men, and men become husbands and fathers." ""And we do the best we can." ""You're doing the best you can." ""You've done good." ""Your books will be in libraries long after we're both gone," ""and this is important." ""More important is how you treat your family." ""I wasn't a perfect husband, but I loved your mother," ""and I'm glad we spent our lives together." ""And I'm here if you need me." ""That's all I wanted to say." ""Love, your old man"." "Oh, "PS..." "I saw a preview of your movie the other night." ""It looks like a piece of shit." ""Maybe you were right"." "The white zone is for the immediate loading and unloading of passengers only." "So, we'll be right behind you." "The moment Becca gets out of school, we'll get a flight." "I love you." "Hank..." "I didn't say it to hear it back." "Thanks for helping me... get my head out of my ass." "It's what I do." "Hey, Karen, do you know what this is called?" "Yeah, it's a jacaranda tree."