"It's the comedy central roast of denis leary" "Hosted by jeff garlin." "With..." "And music by..." "Please welcome a man who spent The last five hours" "Getting into A prosthetic fat suit." "Your host for this evening, Jeff garlin." "Hello, and good evening, Everybody." "welcome to the comedy central Roast of denis leary." "Uh, a few announcements." "First off, Nipsey russell has cancelled." "My apologies." "Unfortunately, Colin quinn didn't." "You know what?" "With none of that in mind, Please take a look at this." "Please welcome denis leary." "I'm not happy, I'm not happy." "Nobody's happy, okay?" "Happiness comes in Small doses, folks." "It's a cigarette or A chocolate chip cookie" "Or a five-second orgasm." "That's it, okay?" "You come, you eat the cookie, You smoke the butt," "You go to sleep, You get up in the morning" "And go to fucking work, Okay?" "One word: drugs." "Cocaine, there's a good idea." "I wanna do a drug that Makes my penis small," "Makes my heart explode, Makes my nose bleed," "And sucks all my money Out of the bank." "Can i do that?" "I wanna make This face all night." "I don't do illegal drugs Anymore." "Now, i just do The legal drugs." "tonight, i'm on nyquil And sudafed." "Forget about Cocaine and heroin." "all you need is nyquil And sudafed," "I'm telling you right now" "You must Have some cold." "Uh, actually, It's for my kids." "What kind of massage Do you want today, dave?" "Uh, i was hoping for Something special." "Upper body?" "Yeah, upper body." "And you know, if you feel like Throwing in some lower body." "I love tits." "I'd like to be the mayor of Tit town, if i could, okay?" "I'd like to drive A big truck full of tits" "Down the tit turnpike," "Right into the middle Of tit town!" "Oh, come on, i'm not A bad-looking guy." "What, what?" "You wouldn't do me If you were gay?" "Deep down inside..." "Everybody's gay." "This is how it starts, Probably." "It starts with us Talking about your gigantic ass" "Here in the car and then In about a month" "We're sitting On a couch somewhere" "Holding hands and watching "The wizard of oz"" "On d-v-d wide screen!" "I represent angry, gun-toting Meat-eating people, pal!" "I just beat up Santa claus." "You blind?" "It's me." "Thank you!" "thank you, thank you, Thank you, and fuck you!" "Life sucks." "Get a fuckin' helmet, All right?" "Ladies and gentlemen, tonight, We're not gonna be mean." "Mean is easy." "Mean is cheap." "Anybody can be mean." "You know Who's mean?" "Denis leary is mean." "That's easy, We're not going there." "Uh, we're going out to Over 46 countries," "But oddly enough, Not in america." "They don't get Denis leary here." "But in sweden, for example, See, i toured with him there." "He's huge!" "He's the king of comedy." "You know what they call Denis in sweden?" "Denis leary." "Denis, you do it all." "Denis not only served As the producer of "the job"," "But he also produced The movie "blow"." "The job, blow." "All i can tell you On basic cable" "With kids watching" "Is that denis loves To get his cock sucked." "Ladies and gentlemen, Nick dipaolo." "Why are we roasting you?" "You're irish." "Shouldn't we Be boiling you?" "Put a couple of potatoes And a carrot behind you." "I'm like, "what are We supposed to wear?"" "They said, "think irish wake. "" "I'm like, "Irish wake?"" "Well, that's right." "We're celebrating Denis' career." "That's about right." "Colin quinn's here tonight." "Colin- Yeah!" "a few years ago, People magazine" "Listed the 50 most interesting People in showbiz," "And they put colin in there." "He came right after The hairdresser" "For "earth, wind and fire"" "And right before the guy Who invented the lobster bib." "lenny clarke, What, did the bowflex e" "Get lost in the mail?" "Holy shit." "how can you have a coke problem And a weight problem?" "This is unbelievable." "What are You snorting?" "Confectionery sugar?" "Jesus christ." "How about a hand For adam ferrara?" "Come on, folks." "He's like tony danza Without the jokes." "We've got Dr. Dre over there." "Yeah." "I'm just happy to meet A black guy" "Who's got the title "Doctor" in his name," "Who's not wearing a grass skirt And a bone through his nose." "Ed lover, i know Nothing about you, man." "i put you in the fucking- The yahoo search thing, and..." "I did!" "I put "ed lover" In the search thing." "I ended up looking at j-pegs Of teenage, you know," "Cheerleaders Being pissed on" "By a pit bull named Chuckles." "Kiefer sutherland's here." "i read an article in esquire Kiefer sutherland did." "He said how he had to sleep In a car for two years in I.A." "It must have been tough, tossing and turning In a mercedes 450 s-I..." "When it's parked in front of Your fucking father's mansion" "In hollywood, That must have been..." "He said his dad didn't help him With his career." "Yeah, and Tori spelling's an orphan." "And the man of the hour, Give it up for denis, please." "Let's focus On denis' film career" "Since his agent didn't." "People make fun of the one You did with sandra bullock," ""Two if by sea", But did anybody see" "The other piece of shit He made, "neon bible"?" "Yeah, exactly." "This made "two if by sea" Look like "casablanca", okay?" "Me and my wife Wanted to walk out" "Halfway through the film, We couldn't." "The lines were Too long at the exit." ""Operation dumbo drop", Let me ask you," "At what point when You were reading the script" "Did you say, "i have to do this Fuckin' film?"" "Was it when you Were fighting with ray liotta," "Or was it when you were Strapping a parachute" "To an elephant's Asshole?" "Is that when it hit?" "I understand why You did the movie." "I mean, it's not every day You get to work" "With the guy Who wrote "police academy 4"." "You've made more bombs in The last five years than hamas!" "Folks, i love denis leary," "He's done A lot for my career." "Thank you very much, denis!" "Hi, there." "I'm television's Conan o'brien." "I know we're here to roast Denis leary this evening," "But i'm not gonna do that." "I have too much respect For denis." "You see, unlike most comedians, Denis has convictions," "Integrity." "In a dishonorable Business," "He's a man of honor Who stands for something." "Now, i have more to say About denis" "After this quick message." "You want your car To last forever, right?" "How do you feel about Friction, tightwad?" "This is quaker state higher mileage engine." "Proven to reduce friction, And condition seals." "We're back." "Denis, of course, Is famous for his anger." "A righteous anger" "That he reserves for only The most deserving of targets." "More on denis, Right after this." "Over time, seals combust." "Hey, hey!" "Rings can blow." "Don't forget Metal-to-metal contact!" "And we're back." "And denis isn't just a hero Here in america," "His reach is global," "And his message is One for all mankind." "So denis, Here's to you." "Thanks for keeping it real." "Right now, i want To introduce a fellow" "Who's playing roger healy" "In the off-broadway production Of "i dream of jeannie"." "Please welcome adam ferrara!" "Thank you, jeff." "Good to see you Again." "And congratulations On all your success." "hbo is doing a spin-off series Starring jeff." "It's called "Curb your appetite"." "Hiya, pal!" "Is this great?" "Look at this." "The red carpet, This set," "A kick-ass band." "You are not only A fine actor and a stand-up," "You're a magician." "Anybody who can get This kind of money out of Fucking comedy central." "Vincent, Good to see you." "All "the sopranos" Boys are here." ""The sopranos" boys are here," "And if anybody asks, They've been here since 4:30." "Robert deniro is not here This evening" "Because he's Robert fuckin' deniro." "You went from being In a movie with" "Deniro and dustin hoffman," "To doing a t." "V. Show With lenny clarke and me." "next stop, quaker state." "It was A great show." "I'm talking about, of course, "The job"" "And i gotta thank you For that gig, chief." "I really do." "It was the best Two weeks of my life." "Really, Seriously." "Ladies and gentlemen," "I learned so much about my craft By being on that show," "And watching one Of the true masters." "I love you too, pal." "Lenny clarke." "How are you, musty?" "All right, Sit down." "You're rocking the stage." "You were an altar boy, Right?" "No wonder you're so angry." "Show me on kiefer sutherland Where the priest touched you." "You know why i like Working with this man?" "He's a true leader." "I admire Your self-confidence." "Some perceive it As severe narcissism," "But not me." "I'm sure a lot of guys jerk off In front of a mirror..." "Backlit..." "While an orchestra plays The "asshole" song." "I've been to denis' farm Up in connecticut," "Or, as it's commonly known, The never-glad ranch." "If you ever get a chance To go to leary world," "Get the three-day pass." "It includes the whiskey And water slide, 20,000 leagues Under the influence," "Mr. Leary's angry ride," "And my personal favorite, "It's a small penis after all. "" "You really are irish." "But the most impressive thing About the place is, he paid for it all With marlboro miles." "While i was there, I met his entire family" "And there's thousands of them." "Packs of nieces And nephews." "Seven-year-old learys, just Looking up at you, smoking." ""You like Spongebob squarepants?" ""Yeah?" "I think he's a pussy. "" "Well, chief, i want you To know something." "the work you do with The cam neely foundation." "every year, The cam neely foundation," ""Comics come home"." "And your tireless efforts with The leary firefighters fund," "You, yes." "You're a noble, Generous man of character... to them." "To me, You're a miserable prick." "I love you, now go Fuck yourself." "Here's the thing." "I directed you in the film "Lakeboat"," "Let me tell you." "I've seen better acting In a cambodian whorehouse." "Now, listen to what I'm telling you," "You bloated, alcoholic Leprechaun," "You get paid To tell jokes onstage," "But you know what The biggest joke is?" "Your career." "You go from starring In features," "To starring in Your own failed sit-com" "To being roasted On basic cable?" "That's hilarious." "no, it's fucking Hilarious." "And you have the balls to call Yourself a comedian?" "Your material's more dated Than shannen doherty's twat" "So why don't you go out And make another movie" "That nobody'll see," "And then down another Bottle of cheap whiskey?" "That's what i'm saying!" "please welcome the star Of comedy central's" ""Tough crowd with colin quinn"" "And let me just say, He could be funny tonight." "Seriously." "No, no, no, really, You never know." "i don't think he's funny, But he might be tonight." "Who knows?" "There's only One way to find out." "Ladies and gentlemen, Colin quinn." "Thank you very much." "I'm the fourth-biggest Star here." "Does that bother you?" "It should." "Now, look- Oh, this is pathetic." "We got kiefer, liz hurley, And who is that?" "Robert evans' kid?" "Throw him up There, den." "Sit with them, denis, That's a good idea." "Don't sit with Your comedian friends." "Sit over here." "But i, um, I know he's a good friend." "Denis is good friends with A lot of stars," "Like he's good friends With sean penn," "Which always bothered me." "I'm sure It bothers everybody." "I'm sure it bothers nobody More than it bothers sean penn," "Actually, but" "Now, kiefer sutherland Is here." "I don't think they ever Worked together, either." "It's like, i think Denis called sean and said," ""Hey, man, I got a roast. "" "And he said, "i'll get you Kiefer, i'm not coming. "" "You're lucky kiefer Said yes," "Or i'd be here Making "mighty ducks" jokes" "At emilio estevez." "All right." "See, that's what denis Has to realize..." "That he's a star To us in comedy," "But to his star friends, He's not a star." "I saw him One afternoon coming back" "From clint eastwood's house." "And who goes to lunch with a Pair of pliers in their pocket?" "He was fixing stuff For clint." "I saw him leave Kevin spacey's house," "He had grease under his nails." "Now, that was A social call, true" "Oh, boy." "Ooh, inside news." "Denis- the smoking thing," "I think somebody Was talking about." "And it is kind of A serious thing." "We all want him To quit smoking, obviously." "Right?" "But they actually took A chest x-ray." "They took a chest x-ray Of denis" "And up on the chart," "It was a picture of god Giving him the finger." "but let's talk about The company, apostle." "he has a company meeting At apostle." "Leary, serpico, And siletti in a bar." "The meeting starts, siletti Talks about the budget." "After 10 seconds, Leary interrupts," "Says he wants a cigarette," "And he can't believe He can't smoke in a bar." "Then they look at a script That was written by leary," "Peter tolan, Two firemen on bar napkins." "They get bored, so they drive Over to the gym" "Where lenny has Just worn down the brakes" "Off another elliptical machine." "When lenny presses The heart rate monitor," "A picture of john candy waving To him comes up." "No!" "In 1987, this is true." "Lenny used to do a little, Well, you know" "We don't say that- But the drugs." "Lenny got a handwritten Thank-you note" "From pablo escobar, all right?" "Then, they pick up adam ferrara, Who's in the steam room" "Doing one of his bits for A 70-year-old russian immigrant" "That doesn't speak english." "Adam's one of those guys That does his bits" "While he talks to you." "It's like robin williams, only You don't have to be polite," "Because he can't hurt you In the business, you know?" "And you've got nick dipaolo." "He burns bridges While he's crossing them." "He's the only comedian that Heckles the crowd, you know?" "You've got ed, dr." "Dre And ed lover over there." "They were the original" ""Yo!" "M-t-v raps" guys, You know?" "They brought black culture Into white suburbs." "They're the guys to blame When your daughter comes home," "And says, "daddy, this is Antonio mcdyess. "" "Um, when you come Home early from work," "And your daughter's Standing there" "In just a trailblazers jersey, eating a bowl of fruity pebbles With rasheed wallace," "These are The son of a bitches you can blame." "Um, well, that's about it, Denis." "I love you, I've known you a long time." "You're a great guy, And thank you." "That's it, Thanks, folks." "Good evening." "I don't wish to add To the verbal assaults" "Already fired upon my friend, Denis leary," "But i will give you My take on denis." "See, most people Are scared of denis." "They find him intimidating And ill-tempered." "Not so." "The denis i know Is a sweetie pie." "Look into his eyes As i have," "And tell me you don't see A tortured saint." "And that hair, The color of ripening wheat." "Have you ever looked at denis' Hands?" "How can a man's hands Be so lovely?" "I'll tell you how." "He puts makeup on them." "They don't need makeup, But that's denis." "So if you think denis is mean, Ask yourself..." "Would a mean man Use hand makeup?" "And so, denis, i am honored To be here to honor you." "Don't let them be too mean, You delicious mush puff." "I'll give you a big hug." "You know, the building, This building is, of course," "Named after Oscar hammerstein," "Who wrote "The sound of music"," ""Carousel", and "The king and i"." "Wait, i'd better stop with The broadway musicals" "Before mario cantone" "Completely lets loose With the jizz." "You know who's really been A great sport tonight," "Do you have any idea?" "He's been so wonderful, So forgiving." "The language has been, You know, uproarious," "If you can describe Language that way." "But you have been wonderful." "Please welcome denis' priest, Father don gavin." "Well, Thank you, thank you." "This is tough company," "Watching all These professional comedians" "Attempting to be funny." "And uh, God does forgive." "He doesn't forget, But he does forgive." "He's all seeing, All knowing." "He knows when you're sleeping, And he knows when you're awake." "He knows when You've been bad or good." "I could quote the scriptures Forever." "But i have been A priest for 30 years." "I'm not a particularly Religious man, but" "No, i'm serious." "I became a priest 'cause I'm lazy is what it is." "I got tired Of chasing the chicks," "And not getting them." "So that's why I'm doing what i do now" "And i have my problems, I drink." "I drink when the- When i'm awake." "And i'm gambling Because of this man." "I went to see him at foxwoods, The indian resort." "I went down there." "It was the first time I ever gambled." "I've been Back quite a bit." "I have my own teepee." "And i have Money problems." "Boys and girls out there," "Don't get into priesthood For the money." "It's just not worth it." "I got a loan From my bank." "They sent me This threatening letter." ""We have not received Your final payment. "" "I wrote them back and said, "Yes, you have. "" "And, uh..." "Yeah." "They were not aware of it." "But i have had Some money problems." "I mention that, because, well, The collection plate," "Not as much money In there as there used to be," "I can assure you." "Because of some of my- Some of my colleagues'," "Can i say, shenanigans Would be a good word." "Which actually reminds me Of a joke." "A priest, a rapist and A pedophile walked into a bar," "And that's just The first guy." "All right, good, now..." "But i do thank you." "Denis and i, we do Go back a long time" "And i tell you what," "It's great to be around A guy that does not" "Forget his friends, And i mean that sincerely." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Last time I hug a priest." "Denis leary Loves animals." "He absolutely adores His irish wolfhound" "Who wanted to be here tonight, But he double booked." "And when, you know, A dog double books," "That's like 14 human Double bookings." "Please welcome denis' Irish wolfhound, clancy!" "Hi, i'm one of denis' wolfhounds." "I'm on my way to The veterinarian's office." "You see, i had a chance to watch Denis perform," "But i thought I'd have a lot more fun" "Having my balls cut off." "You know, i've been denis' dog For 12 years." "He loves me 'Cause i'm irish." "And i love denis 'cause He smells like dog ass!" "You know, denis used to Paper train me" "By using his movie scripts." "That way, I had a chance to shit on them" "Before the critics did." "You know, When i look up at denis," "I see willem dafoe Without the talent." "I see an ugly bryan adams." "I see sting With a." "I.D.S." "You know, if you want to enjoy A denis leary comedy album," "Do what i do Every morning." "Get out your copy And take a gigantic dump on it." "As denis' pet," "I get to see a side of him That most of you never do." "Denis, The devoted father." "Denis, the family man." "And of course, Denis, the jew hater." "Well, denis, i'm going off To have my balls cut off." "But don't worry about it, You can still lick my asshole." "Please welcome Gena gershon!" "Denis." "Denis, This is my song to you." "How i feel..." "And it's straight From my heart." "This is for you, pal." "♪ He's a charming And talented man, yeah ♪" "♪ Always giving All that he can ♪" "♪ He's a friend like No one i know of ♪" "♪ So let's give him a tribute Of love ♪" "Ah, fuck that." "♪ Lighten up It's a roast ♪" "♪ Tonight leary's Balls are toast ♪" "♪ Yeah, we'll all get A kick ♪" "♪ Out of Busting that prick ♪" "♪ Lighten up everyone It's a roast ♪" "Oh, yeah!" "Look, denis, Your ultimate fantasy!" "Fuckable cigarettes!" "Nice butts, girls!" "Beat it, Move over to the side." "Let me help you out Over here." "Oh, yeah." "They sent you all two from The radio city rockettes." "I'd better Help them out here." "Yeah." "Get the fuck outta here, You're bugging me." "Better watch it" "Before denis shoves you Up bloomberg's ass." "♪ He was in "Thomas crown affair" ♪" "♪ With rene russo And it was schlock ♪" "♪ But as An interesting fact ♪" "♪ She's got a much Bigger cock ♪" "♪ He's got style He's got class ♪" "♪ We're gonna kick him in his White irish ass ♪" "♪ Yes he's funny And quick ♪" "♪ But he's still a big dick ♪" "♪ And he keeps hanging on To that smoking-guy shtick ♪" "♪ As celebrities go Mr. Leary's our pick ♪" "♪ Lighten up everyone ♪" "♪ It's a roast ♪" "Yeah." "All right." "Now, via fake satellite, Miss rene russo." "When i was asked To participate in this event," "I was not told" "That i was gonna have to be Subjected to this crap." "I don't even know Nina gershon." "What the hell Was she singing?" "You know, that's exactly How rumors get started." "That's all i need," "Are paparazzis camped outside My fucking house" "Trying to get a crotch shot." "Or moms in the carpool lane Staring at me." "Anyway..." "You know The truth, denis." "You were in my trailer." "Uh, our next performer," "There are two words to describe Our next performer." "Really, Really funny." "Mario cantone." "Okay, gena gershon Coming out." "You know, i went to college With gena and denis." "I went to college." "I went to emerson college With denis and gena." "No applause." "At the time, the school was A 60% gay school." "Denis ended up staying there For two years and teaching." "You're so gay." "I can't even, I can't even look at you." "We were lovers, we were Fucking completely." "He won't even- Kiss- i want you to" "I want you to kiss me On the mouth right here," "And show everybody in this World what we were." "I feel like Barbara stanwyck." "Kiss me on the mouth, Like a lover!" "No, it's all right." "You couldn't Anyways," "'Cause you don't have that kind Of a range as an actress." "I've seen him naked," "I have seen him naked And it hooks to the left." "And it's not, for an irish guy, It's not that small." "It's really not- It's all right." "It's not bad, But it hooks!" "He's got a pirate dick!" "He wears A patch over one ball." "Elizabeth hurley." "She is so gorgeous, I would fuck her." "I have never seen anybody more Beautiful in my life." "Except i'd have To use nick's dick" "But i could do it." "All right." "Thanks for The gift bag, too." "They gave us this lovely Gift bag, you know," "For doing this." "Which i thought was really, Really nice." "Thank you For your c-ds." "Your "no cure for cancer" c-ds." "And "the job" d-v-d, "The job" d-v-d." "The complete first And second season." "Let me put a little reality On the plate here." "There was no Fucking second season!" "Where was The second season?" "There was no- oh, the lost Episodes of "the job"." "For special features, Click down!" "Click, click, click, click!" "that show's so bad, tivo Would reject the repeats!" "You're a little weathered." "You're a little Weathered lately." "Bronzer?" "Tan- No, it's fucking makeup." "His shit is so thick You can't even" "And then he Made fun of me!" "We were at this thing, we were At the tribeca film festival" "And they were like, "would you Like a little powder?"" "I was like, "yeah. "" "He was like, "you're gonna- You're gonna put makeup on?" "You're gonna put makeup on?"" "I was like, "yeah. "" "you- you came to carnegie hall In makeup for rehearsal!" "you go to non-television Events in mac makeup." "It looks like you Just fucked rupaul!" "Ugh!" "He is in "full beat"!" "it looks like mary kay's Pink cadillac" "Ran you the fuck over!" "And i love you, Denis." "Thank you very much." "Hi, i'm michael j fox." "And this is eunice." "Eunice is 85 years old And a parkinson's patient." "Eunice has but one wish." "That denis leary stop Volunteering his time" "For parkinson's research." "You see, denis, showing up Late and drunk" "To fundraising events, Mouthing off to doctors" "And potential donors, It's just not helping." "So please, Denis." "Think of eunice," "And the thousands of Other parkinson's sufferers." "Do something else with your Ample frickin' time." "Thank you, I'm michael j fox." "Some of you might recognize These guys" "As the hosts of "Yo!" "M-t-v raps"" "But most of you will have No idea who they are." "Put on your thinking caps." "Please welcome dr." "Dre And ed lover." "Denis has had a very Impressive film career," "And we thought we'd give You guys a quick overview," "To refresh your memory." "But because There are so many," "We kept all the reviews Down to two words." "So let's begin." ""Professor"?" "Yes, sir." ""Ice age"?" "Not "shrek"." ""Double whammy"?" "Triple crappy." ""Company man"." "You're fired." ""Jesus' son"." "Holy shit." ""The thomas crown affair"." "Watch original." ""True crime"." "Against cinema." ""A bug's life"." "Call exterminator." ""Wide awake"." "Not us." ""Monument avenue"." "Bad title, brother, Bad title." ""Wag the dog"." "Dog crap." ""The matchmaker"." "The crap taker." ""Operation dumbo drop"." "Operation fucking Boredom over here." "A classic, "The ref"." "Personal foul." ""Judgment night"." "It sucked." ""Demolition man"." "Why, denis?" ""Who's the man"?" "Now, that's Classic material." "That was a great film." "Beautiful film." "There you go." "That's a nice Piece of work." ""The sandlot"." "The litter box." ""The loaded weapon"." "Loaded diaper." "And ladies and gentlemen," "That oscar-winning performance, "Two if by sea"." "Fuck you." "Thank you." "Thank you, folks." "It's been Our distinct pleasure" "Reviewing these movies." "Good luck Tonight, denis." "Mr. Sutherland, It's a pleasure." "Miss hurley, and your Ambiguously gay fellow friend," "Wonderful to see you both." "Now we know Who's fucking mario cantone" "Later on tonight." "We love you, buddy!" "God bless." "So, tonight, Everybody's been slammed" "To one degree or another." "But this next performer is So gifted and so talented." "He's a vivacious talent," "Who really- i'm moved To tears when i see him perform." "I laugh, I'm overwhelmed." "I'm talking, of course, About dane cook." "Dane cook is- dane," "You're too talented To fuck with." "Really, You're that talented." "You are so talented, my balls Right now are clapping." "My balls are clapping at how Talented you are, dane cook." "Please come out here And show the young people." "Dane cook, everybody." "Wow, jeff, Jeff garlin." "What about jeff all night, Jeff, right?" "Kiefer sutherland, How you doing?" "How you doing, Good to see you." "I've got a great plot idea for Your show this coming season." "You've got 24 hours To resurrect your film career" "Or you're gonna start Hocking motor oil," "Like johnny handsome Over here." "Good to see you, Loved you in "lost boys"." "It's a great movie!" "It's a classic!" "Colin quinn, ladies and Gentlemen, colin quinn." "Colin, you started off Your career on the game show," ""Remote control"." "And isn't it- Yeah, yeah!" "Isn't it ironic that That's what most of america" "Reaches for now when Your new show comes on?" "Nick dipaolo." "Nick, right?" "Nick right over here." "Nick, anti-semitic?" "Yes." "Homophobic?" "Of course." "Racist?" "Totally." "Misogynistic?" "Without a doubt." "But what you guys Don't know about nick," "Is he still sleeps in A racecar bed." "And say what you want About this other shit," "That's just adorable." "Mario, Mario cantone." "Mario, some people say You're not very friendly." "Some people say You're unapproachable." "But i'll tell you something About this guy," "He's got a real soft spot For young comedians." "It's called his asshole." "See how i wrinkled That a little?" "All right." "Let me tell you How gay mario is." "Truly, Seriously." "Because i know you've heard it All night." "Let me just, You know, close it up for you." "He is so gay" "That when gay people See him on the street," "They're like, "fag!"" "I'm still waiting for you To come out, bitch." "All right." "All right, i'll be there In 10 minutes, honey." "Dr. Dre and ed lover, They're here tonight." "And be sure to tip them When they bring your car around" "After the show." "Denis, denis." "A lot of boston guys here Tonight." "Denis, we've got lenny clarke, We've got nick, mario." "Who knew the red sox curse Affected comedians' careers?" "During the '80s, denis," "Few comedians Took a stand." "And had the courage To speak out" "And support their beliefs" "And that all changed when Denis did "no cure for cancer"." "You came out, denis, Yeah." "You came out Against vegetarians." "And you stood up against Non-smokers." "And because Of your valiant efforts," "Today, meat- Still available." "Tobacco- still going strong." "Cancer- Winning." "Woo!" "In closing, denis, You know i'm kidding," "And you know You're a great guy." "And it makes me feel So special" "To know that if i ever need Anything at all from you," "Jim serpico Is just a phone call away." "I love you, buddy, Thank you." "If you want to toast denis, I'm your man." "If you wanna roast him, I'm sorry, i love the guy." "You know, i think he just Gets a bad rap" "Because of The whole gruff thing." "Hey, this is denis, what do you want?" "He used to scare The heart out of my wife." "You know, but not anymore." "Because when I'm on the road," "When i'm away from home, He's the first one to call." "He says, "can i help you With the yard work?"" "Which is funny because I think the only things" "I've ever seen in his hands" "Is a cigarette Or a hockey stick." "But he keeps An eye on the kids," "He keeps an eye on my wife." "And he's looking Out for me." "And i don't forget that." "The thing is, I hope he gets a job soon," "Because my kids are calling Him "dad"." "I mean, right now They're all together." "My wife, denis, the kids." "They're back at my house, Back east," "And they're having A great time." "I just got off the phone With my little girl" "And i said, "where's mommy?"" "She said, "oh, mommy's Down with denis" "Playing hockey in the pond. "" "you know, which is funny, Because my wife hates hockey." "And, uh..." "And it's 80 fuckin' degrees Back there." "There is no fuckin' ice." "Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Lenny clarke." "Denis and i have A lot in common." "We both smoke and hang out With supermodels." "Some of them are Chubby chasers." "They are." "But i gotta tell you," "People ask me, "well, How do you know denis?"" "I say, "well, i've known Denis for about 25 years now. "" "I remember when We were doing lines" "And now we're reading lines." "People say, "did he do A lot of drugs?"" "I say, "no. "" "Denis didn't, Look at him." "What's he, 6'3, 6'4, 110 pounds?" "Nah." "Make a lot of jokes About me being fat" "But how about him Being skinny?" "this guy could use a kotex tube For a sleeping bag." "You know, Denis leary's been my friend" "For a lot of years." "He's given me A lot of work," "Helped jumpstart my career." "I didn't do any Of his big hits," "But you know, There was "the job"." "And i was out of work And divorced" "And drinking and drugging" "And collecting money From people." "You guys know What i'm talking about." "He said to me, "you know, I wrote this part for you" "In 'the job'." I said, "really?"" "he says, "yeah, but a-b-c wants To go with another guy. "" "I go, "what?" "You go in there, and you tell Them that that's my part!"" "He says, "you want me To go in and tell them" "To give you the part just Because you're my friend?"" "I went, "yeah!"" "He goes, "I can't do that. "" "I said "well, maybe you're not My friend. "" "And he made me dance Like a monkey on a hot plate" "To get that part And i got that part." "And he said, "aren't you happy That you got it on your own?"" "I said, "Not one fucking bit. "" "Mario, i didn't even know You were gay." "I didn't, I didn't!" "I like you." "Some men like men, And well," "Women are probably The number one reason" "Why i'm not A homosexual today." "All right, i blew one guy, But i needed a ride real bad." "I'm teasing, I'm kidding." "I didn't need the ride." "But, I gotta tell you," "This guy does a lot of things For people" "That he doesn't want Anyone to even know about." "But you are one of My dearest friends." "I love you like a brother." "And i'd take A bullet for you." "I just hope it's not tonight." "And i just want To thank you, man." "I love you." "All right." "Hey, everybody." "I'm so sorry that I couldn't be there tonight," "But i had this really" "Ah, i can't fool You guys." "I could have Been there tonight." "Actually, i've got Nothing to do." "As a matter of fact, Right now," "As you guys are roasting denis In the hammerstein ballroom," "My guess is I'm sitting at home," "Alone, Staring at my wall." "And you may say, "well," "Then why didn't you come over And do it?"" "And i'll tell you why." "I've been hearing the things You're saying about denis." "His lack of ability," "His difficulty in controlling His more primal urges," "And i won't be A part of it." "I will not kick this man When he is so clearly" "This far down." "Normally, I would." "I've known denis For a long time" "And everything that you're Saying, by god, it's true." "And if you only knew, Much worse." "I'm not saying that He has sex with animals." "What i'm saying is this:" "I can't be with him 24 hours a day." "So maybe, maybe not." "It's really not something that We should talk about." "But the important thing Is this:" "He needs this gig." "So if you can stretch it To an hour and a half" "And maybe throw him A little after money," "I'd love to see the guy Get some health insurance." "Well, listen, you guys Have a great night." "And just know that even though I can't be there, or can," "I'm still Thinking about you" "For however long This videotape message lasts." "And then, of course, Right after that" "Whoop- gone!" "Um, it's been great To be here tonight" "To host this for you." "And i enjoy Being your friend." "You're a great guy to be A friend with, you know?" "That's all." "Ladies and gentlemen, Denis leary." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "Thanks, Thank you." "As my dad used to say," "Too little, Too fuckin' late, folks." "Sorry." "Fuck you, you filthy whores." "Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, Double fuck you," "Fuck you, fuck you." "I wanna say a couple- well, I gotta say a lot of things." "So strap yourselves in." "Let's start off By giving a round of applause" "To rene russo for wearing A giant rubber cock." "Come on!" "Uh, i want to mention A couple of guys" "Who couldn't be here tonight." "Chris was supposed to be here In person, chris walken," "But unfortunately," "The guest list was limited To people" "From the fucking Planet earth." "So i don't know where he did The remote fucking feed from" "But yeah." "Can we throw that picture Of peter gallagher up, please?" "Peter's got a lot of balls Making fun of me." "You know, when i check into A hotel and i want privacy," "I check in under the name Peter gallagher, okay?" "Just so you fucking know." "By the way," "The auditions for the role Of harvey weinstein" "In the harvey weinstein story Are officially fuckin' over." "And by the way, While you're looking at jeff" "And his picture, Take a good look at his nose," "Before it goes right back Up larry david's ass, okay?" "It'll be up there for about Another five fuckin' years." "A waitress at "dangerfield's"" "Once equated going down On jeff garlin" "With trying to find The air nozzle on a life raft." "So that'll give you Some idea." "Colin quinn." "People know a lot of things About colin," "But they don't know this:" "Colin's An inventor." "Colin invented The "dick on" rule." "This was back in, I think the mid '80s" "And here was the idea." "Every time colin saw somebody On t." "V. Who he didn't like" "Or he didn't Think was funny," "He would pull his Pants down." "Wherever you were," "A bar, his house, Your house." "Pull his pants down, And take his dick," "And he would put it in The guy's face on the t." "V." "We were so used to it, Guys would just go," ""Hey, hey, Move out of the way," "We can't see the Fuckin' game. "" "I don't know if You remember this." "We were watching- the knicks Were out of the playoffs," "So he's rooting For the celtics," "In the heyday of The byrd-mchale celtics," "And they're playing The pistons," "And bill laimbeer from The pistons got into a fight," "A little scuffle With larry byrd." "He pulls his pants down, Walks up to the t." "V.," "And for literally, like A good 30 or 40 seconds," "He's going, "go ahead, laimbeer, Suck my dick!" ""Suck my dick!" ""Come on, Yeah, yeah, yeah!" "Come on!"" "And then, My wife came home." "Now, it's very difficult to Explain to a woman," "Any woman, Who has just seen" "One of your best friends Trying to shove his dick" "Into a televised man's mouth" "That it's just typical Heterosexual behavior," "Even if he invented it." "You know." "But it's absolutely impossible To explain that behavior" "Once you've seen this:" "And then, of course, There's this:" "What can i say About mario cantone" "That hasn't been said In "little women"?" "You know, some kids are born With speech impediments." "Some kids are born With learning disabilities." "mario came out with a gucci Purse and his nails done." "The only reason pete townshend Got busted" "Was because He borrowed mario's laptop." "That's a good line, i like That fuckin' line." "Fuck you, That's a good line." "And i like pete townshend" "And i still did That fuckin' line!" "Now, mario, we went To college together." "And mario, it was a very Difficult time for mario." "Mario was living in this gay World, a fantasy world," "At emerson college Where i think it was like," "Three out of every four guys Were gay, right?" "60% gay, I already said it." "I think it was more than that, You're underestimating." "It was like 80%, it was great For straight guys like me." "We got laid all the time." "But meanwhile, His parents and his brothers" "And his sisters" "All worked at his dad's Restaurant downtown, called cantone's, In the business district." "And they all thought Mario was creative." "You know what i mean?" "And he was kinda like floating, He was letting them pretend." "He was like, Here's my girlfriend, gena" "You know what i mean, like He's passing the girls off?" "And so all of his brothers, You know," "And his family Believed that he was straight." "But the truth was, On any given night," "After like half a vodka tonic And two bong hits," "This would happen:" "Yeah." "So, later that year, His mother finds it," "She frames it," "And she hangs it Behind the bar" "At the fucking restaurant, Right?" "So i'm sitting there one night With mario's brother, dominick," "Who's like one of these fuckin' Guys, "eh-eh," you know?" "Like completely Fuckin' clueless." "And he's looking At the picture," "And he goes, "yeah, That fucking mario, man." "He's so fucking Creative, huh?"" "And i'm like, "Yeah, dominick," "I'm creative, too, but I don't have cum in my hair. "" "You know What i mean?" "You know?" "I love kiefer, man, He flew in tonight." "You should give him A round of applause." "The fucking guy flew in." "Yeah." "Yeah." "I know jon stewart did A roll-in tonight" "Which was really Nice of him." "And he was actually Supposed to be here," "But someone put his car keys On top of his t." "V." "And he's still Trying to reach them." "So he might make it If somebody drops by his house." "Adam ferrara." "You filthy Guinea motherfucker." "You lucky little whore," "That i fucking hired you and Bought your fucking house." "And this photo confirms" "What we've all been Suspecting for years." "This is adam napping after A post-goat barbecue" "During The annual splinter cell" "And terrorist picnic And hidden-explosives expo." "Last but not least, Lenny clarke." "My old friend." "You know, we actually Had a tough time" "With this category," "Because there were So many fucking stories." "And they're all true and They're all hilarious." "But we had to wean Them down for time." "I wanna tell you This one story." "Back in the late '70s, I think it was the '70s." "Was it the '70s when you Ran for city council" "Or was that '80s?" "'70s." "Late '70s, In cambridge, massachusetts," "Where lenny was born And brought up," "The rule about Running for office is" "If you declare that you're Gonna run for office," "You, you, whoever, You immediately get some money" "To print up buttons And bumper stickers." "Lenny is a janitor At that point," "And he goes, "guys, i'm fucking Running for mayor. "" "We were like, "Mayor of what?"" "He was like, "cambridge!"" "We were like, "You can't run for mayor. "" "He was like, "Anybody can run!" "I'm fucking doing it!"" "I said, "what's Your platform?"" ""Fuck the kennedys!" "That's my platform. "" "So he goes down, he fills out All these things," "And he gets "fuck the kennedys" Bumper stickers printed up." ""Fuck the kennedys, Vote for lenny," right?" "So, about four weeks Into the campaign," "Nobody fucking knows What's going on." "There's crazy "fuck The kennedys" bumper stickers everywhere." "Who's lenny?" "All this shit." "Lenny goes, "I need something" ""To fucking spark interest In my campaign." ""I'm gonna steal a city bus" ""And i'm gonna Drive it around." "And then people will know Who i am. "" "He was drunk." "We were like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah. "" "The next day, he goes out And he steals a fucking bus." "Drives it down mass ave, Through boston," "Across the bridge Into cambridge, right?" "And halfway through," "He's realizing, "It's just me driving a bus." "This is no good. "" "So he starts To pick people up." "He's fucking picking People up." "People aren't even at bus stops, He's going, "get in!"" "And he tells them, "I'm gonna drop you off," ""Right in front of Your fucking house." ""And you tell the cops, When they ask," "Lenny fucking clarke dropped You off in front of your house. "" "I swear to god." "You guys have been great." "I fucking love him, I hate the rest of you." "Thank you very much." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!" "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" "Denis!" "You can't leave Your own roast" "Without doing The song, bro!" "It's gonna be In our hearts forever!" "I know in my heart, when you Were gonna do that song," "Part of you was like," ""We're gonna fuckin' Tear it up, okay?" ""We're gonna go out here," "And 'asshole', And belt this shit out, okay?"" "I knew that Was in you, bro." "I just- i still love it." "And i'll love it Forever." "I just would have liked To see it a little different." "♪ I'm just A regular joe ♪" "♪ With a regular... ♪" "♪ Job!" "♪" "Dude, i didn't See any of that!" "This shit, come on!" "I'm your average white, Fat, suburbanite slob!" "♪ I like football ♪" "♪ Porno Books ♪" "♪ Books about war ♪" "You could have Done sound effects, war." "Yeah." "How do you like me Now, okay?" "This was the part, He's got a voice," "Man, he's got a voice!" "But this is where you should Have tore it up!" "♪ I like ♪" "♪ Taking my time ♪" "♪ Driving really slow ♪" "♪ In the ultra-fast lane ♪" "♪ Watching these little faggots Behind me going insane ♪" "And i know, this man's Great at the heart." "I didn't buy You were an asshole" "Until this part." "It's funny, But bro, i know retards." "This part is where I was a little hurt." "♪ Sometimes i like ♪" "♪ Parking in The handicapped spaces ♪" "♪ So i can look at The handicapped people ♪" "♪ Making handicapped faces ♪" "♪ You're an asshole ♪" "♪ You're an asshole ♪" "Asshole!" "A- s-s-h-o-I-e!" "A- s-s-h-o-I-e!" "♪ Asshole You asshole ♪" "♪ You asshole ♪" "♪ You- ♪" "♪ Asshole you asshole You asshole you- ♪" "♪ Asshole ♪" "No more Yodeling." "Don't yodel." "Lenny, you should have Been there for him" "When He was yodeling." "He can't yodel." "You rock, man." "And when you're finished, Throw that fuck" "Good night!" "Thank you!" "Captioning made possible by comedy central" "Captioned by soundwritersâ¢" "♪ I'm just your average joe With your average job ♪" "♪ I'm your average White suburbanite slob ♪" "♪ I like football And porno ♪" "♪ And books about war ♪" "♪ I've got An average house ♪" "♪ With a nice Hardwood floor ♪" "♪ But sometimes that just Ain't enough ♪" "♪ To keep a man Like me interested ♪" "♪ Oh no, no way, uh-uh ♪" "♪ No, i've gotta go out And have fun ♪" "♪ At someone else's expense ♪" "♪ Oh yeah Yeah yeah ♪" "♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪" "♪ I drive really slow In the ultra-fast lane ♪" "♪ And people behind me Are going insane ♪" "♪ I'm an asshole ♪" "♪ He's an asshole What an asshole ♪" "♪ I'm an asshole ♪" "♪ He's an asshole Such an asshole ♪" "♪ Sometimes i park In handicapped spaces ♪" "♪ While handicapped people Make handicapped faces ♪" "♪ I'm an asshole ♪" "♪ He's an asshole What an asshole ♪" "♪ I'm an asshole ♪" "♪ He's a real Fucking asshole ♪" "A- s-s-h-o-I-e!" "♪ Everybody ♪" "A- s-s-h-o-I-e!" "♪ Come on ♪" "A- s-s-h-o-I-e!" "♪ One more ♪" "A- s-s-h-o-I-e!" "I'm an asshole And i'm fuckin' proud of it."