"Fred, it's not even six o'clock yet." "Go back to bed." "Morning...my lovely." "Oh, Meredith..." "Betty!" "Come on, Betty, hurry up!" "I'm busting!" "And where's my Mam's breakfast?" "Would you please welcome the eighth wonder of of the world, Jerry Springer!" "Did you see the size of his thighs?" "Okay, today we're gonna meet some people who have been secretly in love with someone they shouldn't have been with for a very long time." "Here you are, Fred, breakfast." "is that you, Hugh?" " Morning." " Oh Betty, it's you." "You actually woke then." "I would like my breakfast, thank you very much, if it isn't too much trouble." "I'm...ravenous!" "Can't you hear my belly rumbling?" " Dilys?" " Anyway as my Hugh says, there are some folk..." "Add a little spice, teach the old dog some new tricks, but their partners say 'no'." "There you go." "Never mind about all that." "Big night, Ginger...hmm?" "Where were you all night, hmm?" "Don't answer that." "You're a lucky man, Fred." "You know that?" "Where on earth...is Betty?" "Well, she won't be on her knees..." "Betty?" "Betty...can you hear me?" "Betty...are you coming up here today?" " Betty, Betty, Betty!" ""Do you know, Merys..."" "Sometimes I swear I'm going to waste away." "I'll water you when I get back, Daphne, I promise." "Why our Hugh picked her is beyond me." "He could have had anyone, you know." "Anyone!" "Not anyone was the daughter of a wealthy mayor." "Are you implying that...my Hugh married Betty to get his position?" "Sorry, Ginger." "No...no...well, yes." "All right, no, maybe not anyone whose father was wealthy mayor at the time." "But I'll tell you this, Merys, and I'll stake my life on it." "Marrying Betty or not...he would have become councillor anyway, and very soon he'll be mayor himself, I'm sure." " Dilys, I wish you wouldn't do that." " What?" "Suck the chocolate off and leave the nuts on the bed." "I don't like nuts." "Bran flakes?" "You know I hate bran flakes!" "Now you know what Doctor Owen said about your roughage." "Stuff Doctor Owen's roughage!" "You know I can't start my day without Crispy Wheat!" "Bring me my Crispy Wheat!" "Dilys, have you gone?" "Can you imagine?" "What was she thinking of?" "Mind you, it couldn't taste any worse than that" "Tuna Surprise she baked for the Bring and Buy." "Huh, I suppose I could try a little mouthful." "Well now you know your stomach, it's so delicate." "Hmm..." "Actually, these aren't bad, you know." "...they were, killing him..." "Dilys...have you gone again?" "Dilys?" "Dilys?" "I think she's gone again." "Well, those dates seem to be fine." "Mint Imperial?" "I know, I'm sorry the meeting on the new toilets is still going on." "Right, where are we up to?" "Well, we've covered nearly everything," "Councillor." "Mrs. Rhys-Jones has been most helpful." "Now, no fuss, no extravagance." "Mother would've wanted it kept very simple." "May I say what an honour it is for you to choose Plots at this saddest of times." "Yes, yes, yes, er, can we get on with it?" "Of course." "Er, Church or Chapel?" "Oh, Church." "Fiercely." "Church was Mam." "You mother hasn't been inside a Church for twenty-five years." "Betty, the least you could do is show a little respect for the dead, huh?" "Had you been a little more attentive, mother might still be alive, mightn't she?" "Oh, that's not fair, Hugh!" "You can't blame me for her death." "Look, I don't think this is the proper occasion." "Would you like an open coffin?" "It's a long- standing Plots tradition." "A true mark of respect." "There is, of course, some slight discoloration when someone..." "Chokes on Multi-Fibre All Bran." "Suffocates, but I believe we can remedy that." "Open coffin...hmm." "Well, she was very clear about what she wanted to be buried in." "I assume she wanted to be seen in it." "Open coffin it is, then." "Well, if you could bring in the garment." "Oh, and some recent photos of your mother." "Er, right." "Well, Betty'll see to that, won't you, Betty?" "Boris, thank you very much." "So you were really cheating on her?" "Cheating and lying and spending all your money on strippers?" "I can't believe it!" "Councillor Rhys-Jones is having his mother's funeral at Plots!" "Well...maybe you were a little too progressive with him." "Funeral fashion." "It's the next big thing." ""The Catwalk Corpse"." "Yeah, well, he didn't seem too keen on the "Deck of Cards" theme." "She loved playing cards!" "Everybody said that." "Yes, but I don't think that was the problem. I think dressing her up as the Queen of Spades, that was the problem." "You have no imagination, Delbert that's your problem." "No vision." "I wanna create a whole new kind of funeral." "Keep in mind the root word of funeral is fun." "Fantasy funerals will be the funerals of the future." "Yes, but the people of Wrottin-Powys are more your "ashes to ashes, dust to dust" variety." "That is so passe." "We have to sell them the concept, that's all." "We could do Casket of the Month." "Casket of the Month?" "Yes, like Flavour of the Month and discounts." "People love discounts and coupons." "We could do a first funeral at full price and a second half off." "Let's say the husband drops dead first." "The wife comes in with the coupon pays in advance for her funeral as well... and gets it half off. ls that great or what?" "Well, Delbert, if we're gonna work together, you have to trust me." "You trust me?" "Well, yes, of course." "Good." "Featherbed Funerals..." "May I be the first to offer my condolences." "Hello, Willie." "Hello." "My, you've been busy." "Do you fancy a nice cold drink?" "Can't stop too long." "Got to help my grandad do two more gardens today." "He's making a right mess of that flowerbed." "He's left all the weeds in." "What's wrong with the little cretin?" "Now, Hugh, please be kind." "He lives with his grandad." "hey don't have much." "They need every bit of money they can make." "Save the violins!" "Right I've got to get back." "Mam's dress is in that old brown bag." "Right?" "Did you hear what I said?" "Yes, the old bag. I'll write it down." "I'll, er probably be a bit late tonight." "A couple of things at the office need seeing to." "Here you are, Willie." "Thank you." "Willie you do know that those are all weeds you've left there?" "Yeah?" "They're so pretty..." "I thought they were flowers." "Who decides what's weeds?" "What do you mean?" "Well, it's a pretty nice plant, it's got beautiful flowers and everything." "But then somebody comes along calls it a weed, and I've got to pull it out." "I doesn't seem fair somehow." "I'll tell you what." "Let's leave them just as they are, and you and I will call them flowers." "What do you say?" "Okay." "No,no, I'm not saying I think she planned it." "However, would you give Bran Flakes to someone who was quite obviously used to Crispy Wheat?" "Oh, speak of the devil!" "Merys I'll call you later." "Morning." "Betty..." "Oh, Betty, I was so sorry to hear about Dilys." "Thank you so much...erm..." "Selma?" "I was just speaking to Merys Gwynedd." "She said she felt so helpless." "On the other end of the phone and all." "Imagine talking to someone on the phone at the very moment when God calls them." "Must be like Call Waiting." "Only she never came back on the line." "I had a close call with Bran Flakes the other day." "Did you?" "Oh, she did." "It went all claggy." "A great lump got stuck in my throat." "I had to use the Heimlich manoeuvre on her." "She spat a wad clear across the table." "Hit the Reverend Price right in the back of his head!" "They should do a Show on that, you know." "A close call with breakfast foods or something." "Anyway, where are you having the funeral?" "Boris Plots." "Ah...." "Have you been to a funeral at that new place, Featherbeds?" "No, can't say I have." "They're American, you know." "So I heard." "He inherited the shop from his uncle, Old Bryn Flowers." "Ah, you can depend on Boris, he'll do a lovely job." "Pity he never got married." "Come on, Thelma, you wouldn't marry a funeral director!" "Besides, he's so shy." "He's go no 'get up and go'!" "Anyway, Betty, would you like a coffin spray or an arrangement on the side?" "Oh..." "Let me get this right." "Your wife then accuses you of having an affair with your secretary so she calls her up at work?" "What did your secretary say?" "Councillor Rhys-Jones office." "Meredith, is Hugh there?" "Oh, hello, Betty, how you doing?" "I'll see if he's available, shall I?" "Hold on a second." "It's your wife." "Er, I'll get back to you...er, Colin." " Bye, Hugh." " Yeah..." "Betty?" "Did you take the dress to Plots?" "Oh, no, not yet." "That's next on my list." "Because I wouldn't want mother to be without a dress." "No, no, Hugh, I'm at Thelma and Selma's." "Now do we want a spray for the coffin, or arrangements on the side?" "Hugh?" "Hugh, are you all right?" "Oh, it's just stress, darling." "There's a lot of pressure building here." "There's always something coming up that needs expert handing." "Oh, I know it's hard." "Oh..." "Losing your Mam but you'll just have to..." "Oh, I don't know, learn to let it all go." "I fully intend to." "Call you later." "But, Hugh, wait...the flowers..." "Oh, he's such a busy man." "I understand." "We'll go for something on the side then, shall we?" "Chance would be a fine thing!" "Now, you run along, Betty, we'll take care of everything." "Oh, thanks, Thelma." "Oh no, wait, erm..." "Hugh wanted a floral tribute." "I wrote it down." "Oh, is that it?" "I can't see it without my glasses." "That's what he wants to say, is it?" "Oh, yes, he was very specific." "So I can leave it all to you then, can I?" "Oh, yes." "Right." "The funeral's on Thursday." "Right." "Bye." "Bye, dear." "Bye, love." "Poor woman." "He treats her so appallingly." "And, now the Councillor is a man with get up and ..." "GO!" " Morning, Betty." " Good morning." "Hello?" "Hello?" "I was, erm just getting up, it's, um, a bit slippy here." "I, I didn't mean to interrupt." "I've brought the dress..." "and the photograph." "I'll take that." "Don't want to get it creased up, do we?" "Oh..." "Never knew you were so light on your feet." "Oh, there's a lot you don't know about me, Betty Rhys-Jones." "Oh really?" "Like what?" " Oh, you'll probably laugh." " l won't." "I never really wanted to be a mortician." "Oh..." "No, what I really wanted to be was a was a ballroom dancer." "A ballroom dancer..." "How long had you been watching me?" "Oh, not long. lt's all right." "How long were you watching me, more like?" "I've been watching you for about thirty years." "Oh..." "Oh, that's nice." "is it?" "Sad, more like." "No...no, it's not sad." "is it?" "Well, sad I never asked you to dance when I had the chance, all those years ago." "I haven't danced for years." "Hugh's not much of a one for getting up." "Want to have a go?" "Come on..." "Oh, is that the time?" "I'd better be off." "Betty..." "There's such a lot to do." "But, Betty, I..." "They said it might rain." "Do you think it might rain?" "See, I don't want to get caught in the rain." "I don't know what I'm gonna do without my Elsie." "She was the kindest heart that ever lived." "We're here for you, Mr. Edwards, I'm sure you want a fitting tribute for your wife." "I want to do the best I can, you know, within my limited budget" "Oh, I've got something to show you." "Oh, here it is." "I cut this coupon from the paper." "I want to take advantage of the half-price second funeral." "Of course." "We're gonna be more than happy to arrange that." "Won't we, Delbert?" "Oh, yes, yes, more than, yes." " Mr. Edwards..." " Call me Al." "Al...did, er..." " What's her name?" " Elsie." "...Elsie have any special hobbies, interests or dreams?" "Er, I don't think Mr. Edwards..." "Stop it!" "This is a once in a lifetime occasion." "Please." "Al...hobbies?" " Yeah, she liked flowers, and knitting..." " Ah crotcheting and making pillowcases." "She once got a prize for making pillowcases." "Pillowcases." "That's not much to work with." "Excuse me?" "I'm asking...did she have any, er, what's the word?" "...fantasies that weren't fulfilled while she was with us?" " Well...she like watching television." " Ah..." "She had a favourite television programme, but she didn't want anyone to know she was a real fan..." " What, er...what show is that then, Al?" " Star Trek." "She didn't want anybody to know, but I knew she had something going for that Mr. Spock." "Willie?" "What are you doing?" "Got to prune these bushes." "They're all old and dead." "Oh, but you've cut so much." "There's nothing left!" "I just cut away what's dead and old." "Grandad says cut everything away except the spirit." "And then the flowers will come again." "New and beautiful." "Oh, I know they never flowered very much, but I got used to seeing them there." "Just you wait." "You'll see how beautiful they'll be." "Fred, get in your basket." "In your basket!" "Oh, all right." "Don't wriggle about too much. all right?" "This morning's funeral" "Could you go a little slower?" "I'm dying here." "If I go any slower I'm gonna stop." " Got the blank around?" " Of course I have!" " Don't make any short stops." " l'm not going to." "Just nip round here..." "You're not gonna make it!" "You're not gonna make it!" "Whoa!" "I think, if you leave the driving to me, thank you very much." " Now you've hit the kerb." " l'm sorry." " Careful." " Right." "Now what's he doing?" " Frank, could you..." "I can't concentrate!" " Just back it up." " Right, round we go, that's it!" " Cut it left, very hard." "Okay!" "Oh, man, you're on the kerb!" "You're gonna be so pleased with what we've done with Elsie." "I think her dream has been realised." "Yeah, well she had so many dreams, you know." "Why, she loved so many things especially children." "Oh, my God!" "What have you done?" "You said she liked Star Trek, so I made her up to be Spock's sister." "Er, her fantasy has finally been realised." "C'mon lt'll grow on you, Al." "Ready?" "Ready." "Ears on!" "Stardate two, one zero one, two zero zero one." "Crewman Elsie Edwards was an original." "Who would have thought that she had such a sense of humour?" "And it is with this attitude that I would like to reflect on the life of Elsie." " This is gonna be so great!" " Death was not a boundary but a beginning of her ascension to her heavenly home." "What she was trying to tell us, was that she was ready for her cosmic trip through the wormhole to the other side." "Nothing will stop her from launching her life to the great.." " ...beyond." " lt's marvelous!" "The lift that she has given..." " You can stop it now." " lt won't, man!" "It's stuck!" "I can't!" "This has done us good." "And this afternoon's Mrs Dilys Rhys Jones" "Afternoon, Boris." "Thank you, Boris." "Betty, come on." "I was a little perturbed myself when I saw it, but Thelma assured me that's what you asked for." "No one asked for that!" "I thought it strange, but...but I double checked." "Look, here's the note." "Kids, I expect!" "I though we had a little more respect for the dead in this town." "Anyway, you've done a wonderful job on mother, Boris." "She looks almost human. I mean, lifelike." "Well, thank you." "Anything else I can do please let me know." "Mrs. Rhys-Jones?" "Could I have a word with you?" "Oh, yes." "You sit down, Hugh." "I'll be with you in a minute." "I've got to talk to you, I can't... I can't talk to you now, Boris." "Look, hide my handbag and I'll come back for it after the funeral." "Good evening, Boris." "How's life in the terminal lane?" "Oh, never better." "How can I help you?" "We've come to pay our respects." "Oh, help yourself." "Besides, how else are you going to scope out the competition?" "Man, hey... I'm sorry about the flowers, Dilys." "A bit of a mix-up." "Betty." "Look at this." "Can you believe it?" "I've never seen anyone look more dead in my life!" "He has gone a little heavy on the make- up." "A bit too much rouge and lipstick." "There's no sense of romance here." "No style." "What's with the hair?" "We use hot rollers." "Frank!" "Frank, Frank!" "It's like I thought, too much hair spray." "It looks like a helmet." "And since when do you bury somebody in black?" "The mourners wear black, not the corpse." "This guy...doesn't even understand basic presentation." " Frank?" " What?" "Why do old people have such huge ears?" "It's cartilage. lt keeps growing." "But they hear less." "It shall remain a mystery." "Man, it's amateur night in Dixie!" "Hugh, I was with her all the time." " Have you paid the Reverend yet?" " No, not yet." "Oh, my God, what's happened to my handbag?" "I must have left it in the church." "is there something wrong?" "Oh, yes, my bag. I think I left it in the church." "Betty, I haven't got time to go looking for handbags!" "I've got important business this afternoon!" "If you're in a rush, I can take Mrs Rhys-Jones home." "Oh, right." "There you go." "Oh, er, I might be a bit late." "Don't wait up." "Come on, let's get out of here." "I've been thinking about the other day." "Trying to figure out a way to have a Fred and Ginger ending." "Oh, Boris..." "I don't think it's possible for us to end up like in the movies." "Eventually the house lights have to come up." "I should have spoken up years ago." "I'd better be going." "Tell me you're happy." "I'm happy." "Look me in the eye and tell me you're happy and contented and I'll go back to my shop and I'll never say another word." "Oh, Boris... I love it up here. lt's quiet, see?" "Get a chance to think." "Get things in persepective." "Oh, come away from the edge." "You go over you'll break your neck." "The Morgan woman went off here about ten years ago." "Not a pretty sight." "Look out!" "Oh!" "You do care!" " Here you go." " Oh...thanks." "I know my life isn't everything I dreamed of, but how many people do get to live their dreams?" "I love you, Betty Rhys" " Jones." "I always have." "And I think I love you, Boris Plots." "Oh, Betty, if only I'd known." " There's a 'but'." " Oh, you know." "Hugh." "Have you ever thought...have you ever thought of leaving him?" "No, no." "Well, maybe once." "But then of course there was Dilys, you see?" "I had to take care of Dilys." "We just buried her, Betty." "Divorce him." " l can't." " People get divorced all the time." "I couldn't." "For better or for worse." "Then run away with me." "Oh, wouldn't they just love that!" ""There goes Councillor Rhys" " Jones." "His wife ran off with the undertaker."" "Poor love, he'd have to live with that for the rest of his life." "He'd rise above it." "Others have." "Oh, not in this town." "Run away with me, Betty." "Oh, it's a lovely thought, Boris." "But I'm afraid I couldn't do that to Hugh." "Hugh Rhys" " Jones, you're an animal." "I want to be with you always." "We are together always." "All day at the office, afternoon escapades... I'm here half the night." "I want to go away." "Somewhere hot and sticky." "We went away!" "West Wales in November is hardly the Caribbean!" "We can't risk any more of our "foreign conventions"." "Where's my other sock?" "We could get rid of her." "Don't muck about, give it here!" "I'm serious!" "What?" "No." "There's ways. lt doesn't have to be too gruesome." "Look, I'm not killing Betty so you can go" "Don't you love me?" "Answer me this, then." "Supposing you weren't married to Betty, would you marry me?" "Oh...you know I would!" "No." "Look, I am not murdering my wife!" "For God's sake!" "What's the matter with you?" "Rightio, Mrs. Mainwaring, I shall put your application for mains drainage before the planning committee next Monday." " Hello, Bob." " Councillor." "Betty?" "Oh, Boris!" "You scared the living daylights..." "Betty, I've had a great idea." "Oh, Boris, it was a lovely dance, Boris, but the music has to stop." "I'm going to kill you." "What?" "I mean, we're going to pretend you're dead." "No, no, I'm still not with you." "I, I still haven't worked out the details yet, but, erm... lf we pretend you're dead, I can whisk you back to the shop." "We'll have a fake funeral... but you won't be in the coffin because I'll fill that up with sand or something ...and before you can say Abiterlary, you and I will be dancing on a Princess cruise ship headed for Tahiti." "You're serious." "I love you, Betty Rhys" " Jones." "And I suppose if I were dead Hugh would inherit my money." "And then, of course, there's the insurance." "Exactly." "What?" "No, no, how can you claim insurance if you're dead?" "No, not for me, for Hugh." "If I thought he'd be all right after I'm gone, I wouldn't feel so bad." "Oh, you're a good woman, Betty." "Today's funeral" "Would you care to sign the funeral register?" "Now I've seen it all!" "I wouldn't bet on that!" "Ladies and gentlemen, the song stylings of Candace Pontefreece!" "Saying goodbye..." "I shouldn't want to But I'm saying goodbye" "I dunno...seems like there's something missing." "Don't tell me!" "Dancing fountains shooting out of the casket or something!" "Boo!" "Don't do that!" "I'm beside myself already!" "I've found a medical register." "Look at this." "Oh, what is it?" "It's used in the treatment of that." "I haven't got that!" "No, it has side- effects." "It can lower the heartbeat until it's barely perceptible." "Put someone into...hiber nation." "Oh." "Ohhhhhh." "For when you're in the...c-o-f-f-i-n." "Oh, that's brilliant!" "What if I snore?" "I snore. I know I snore." "You'll be perfect." "Hello, Mrs Rhys" " Jones." "I'd like to have this one, please." "Ah, another Fred  Ginger, is it?" "Due back in a fortnight." "It is notjust a couple of pills, Boris, it is fraud!" "Who's going to know?" "I will!" "We're not hurting anybody!" "Oh, you're mad!" "I mean, I've never heard such a... I mean, pills from me, fake funerals..." "Who's going to supply the death certificate?" "Oh, no!" "No." "No." "No." "But I need you to pronounce her dead at the scene!" "The only thing I'm going to pronounce is the word 'no'!" "When you met your Sophie, God rest her soul, wouldn't you have done anything to be with her?" " Absolutely." " Well..." "Well nothing!" "Sophie wasn't married to a town Councillor and I didn't have to kill her to be with her!" "Stanley, look at me." "I'm forty-eight years old." "You've known me for forty-five of them." "When have you seen me like this?" "I'm in love...for the first time ever." "If there's one ounce of romance in your heart, please help me." "I may never find anyone like this again." "Alright." "Alright, I'll sign the Death Certificate." "I could be struck off for this!" "But that's it!" "That is all I am doing!" "Oh, my God!" "There's something else!" "Saturday at the Autumn Fair." "It's the perfect time." "I'm not having a heart attack in the middle of the Autumn Fair!" " You're not having a heart attack." " l'm not?" "You're going over the edge where the Morgan woman went." "What?" "No no, I can't go over the edge, I can't!" "I get vertigo standing on the kerb!" "Why can't I have a brain tumour or something, or or a stroke?" "A nice sudden stroke." "I could live with that." "If you have a sroke or a heart attack people'll feel bound to help you." "If everyone sees you, disappear over the edge we can keep them away because you'll look such a mess." "But, er..." "But I thought the idea was to pretend I'm dead." "The Autumn Fair's perfect." "There's a dance in the evening." "The dance floor's right near the edge." "The whole town will be there." "No-one'll suspect a thing." "Evening, Councillor." "Mrs Rhys" " Jones." " Boris." " Boris." "It's a lovely evening for it." "Aye, indeed it is." "Er, would you mind if I asked Mrs Rhys" " Jones to dance?" "Help yourself." "I'll ask you if you want to dance." "We'll show them what we can really do." "Then, when everyone's watching that's when we do it." "That's when you have to trust me." "Nooooo..." "But you're fine." " l'm fine?" " Of course." "You throw me over the edge, and I'm fine." "How?" "There's a ledge." "When you fall over, you fall onto the ledge." "It's about four feet down, but because you scream a lot, everybody thinks you've fallen to the bottom, but you haven't." "But I haven't." "And on the ledge you'll find a rope." "Okay, Betty..." "See, you can slide down the eighty feet to the bottom." "The doctor will be down there." "He'll say he was out walking his dog, but he's waiting for you." "Wait a minute. I slide down eighty feet?" "We'll practice." "The Doc'll look after you." "He'll give you the pills, squirt fake blood about, then he'll pronounce you dead and in ten minutes I'll have you back at the shop." "There won't be a soul in town not convinced that poor Betty Rhys" " Jones went over the edge." "Oh, Betty..." "Hugh, Hugh, come on, don't worry." "A quick funeral, then it's off to Tahiti." "What if I can't manage the rope?" "What if I miss the ledge?" "Try to ignore that." "Trust me." "It'll work." "Hugh!" "I'm a Spanish lady." "I thought you would never get here." "I thought you were only going to wear that in the caravan." "Thanks very much." " Evening, Betty." " Hello, Meredith." "I'm Cat Woman." "Never." "Not many people would have one of those in their ward robe." "Pretty good, huh?" "Another winner!" "He's so cute." "You can never have too many of these." "You win again." "How about this?" "Celebrity send-offs." "We provide the celebrity to read the Eulogy at your funeral?" "It's good, huh?" "Know any celebrities?" "There was a woman who was on at the rugby club at Christmas." " l've got her number." " ls she a celebrity?" "She's a stripper." "Oh, that's alright." "Drink, Betty?" "I've brought my own bottle." "I wouldn't say no." "Oh, come on now, Hugh, this is for us girls." "Go on, I'll have a drop." "What about you, Betty?" " Put some in there!" " Oh, not for me." " Just a splash." " You don't like it." "I do!" "You don't!" "This is for us girls." "Now, come on, Betty, give us your glass." "No, really." "Just a drop to warm the cockles." "Oh, thanks." "Well, if you don't want it, I'll have it!" "You don't like this, Councillor." "It's for Betty." "Bloody hell!" "Hugh?" "Er..." "I just remembered." "The last time I had some of that it didn't agree with me." "Councillor..." "Mrs Rhys" " Jones." " Boris." " Boris." " lt's a lovely evening for it." " What?" "Oh, yes." "Would you mind if I asked Mrs Rhys" " Jones for a dance?" "No, no, no, carry on." "Dance until you drop." "Well, come on, Betty!" "I'm going to get a proper drink." "No!" "Stand back!" "Somebody call an ambulance!" "Get some help!" "No...don't look down!" "I'm fine .." "Oh!" "Quick...get the hearse!" "What?" "You cannot be serious, Frank!" "As serious as a heart attack!" "Yes, yes, I've seen her!" "Pull up!" "Pull up!" "There you are." "No don't." "Stay back!" "Stay back." "She's not a pretty sight." "Oh.." "Betty Betty..." "Councillor Rhys-Jones ...may I have a word?" "This is shocking. lt's so sudden." "My thoughts are with you you know that, and I want you to know I'd be so honoured to arrange a fitting tribute to Wrottin Powys first lady...taken in the prime of her life." "Councillor Rhys" " Jones, I, too, would deem it a great honour to be able to I would be so honoured, I would be willing to make all the arrangements ...for half the normal cost." " l could do it for a quarter!" " Free!" "I, I would do it for free." "Councillor Rhys" " Jones, I would be happy to make a substantial donation to" " ...a charity of your choice..." " Hey!" "What?" "That's not fair!" " Says who?" " Says me!" "Er..." "Boris...you have taken care of our family's tragedies in the past, and for that you have my deep appreciation." "But in all fairness I think I need to allow Mr Featherhead..." "Featherbed here." "It's alright." "His opportunity in our town." "Thank you." "If I can be of any help, I..." "When I first got to Mrs Rhys-Jones... she lifted her head, opened her eyes... and with her dying breath, in her very last moments... she whispered her very last word to me and that word was" "Plots." "Plots." "Plots!" "You dirty rat!" "I'll kill him!" "What are you doing?" "This is not thetime!" "Councillor I don't know if...it will impact upon your decision..." "Look, it's not worth it!" "I thought you ought to know." "What's the matter with you?" "Just calm down!" "Damn and blast" "Er..." "Plots it is, then." "Oh, Betty..." "Oh, Hugh..." "Oh, Meredith." "The coast is clear." "Blue skies smiling at me" "Nothing but blue skies do I see" "Bluebirds singing a song" "Nothing but blue skies from now on" "Don't answer it." "Oh, I've got to answer it, my hearse is in the driveway." "They'll know I'm here." "His hearse is in the driveway, he must be here." "I'm telling you this is not a good idea." "It's too pushy." "Pushy smooshy. I've got to make a deal with this guy." "The only way is to buy him out." "I just don't think this is the right time,Frank." "He's got a big rebuild job to do." "That's why it's the perfect time." "Frank Delbert." "Boris." "Boris." "I have to apologise for that stupid scene at the bottom of the bluff." "Sometimes I get too emotional." "In any case, to make amends I thought that we should come over and offer our help." "but then I thought, hey, why not." "I hope you don't mind." "No, I don't mind, but..." "Look, Boris, I specialised in accident victims back home in Milwaukee." "Graduated from the Sheboygan School of Morticians." ""Get to embalm a Pope or a President"." "That's our motto." "Yes, er..." "Frank re-did a woman's face hit head-on at ninety miles an hour." "Did a total reconstruction from five year old Polaroids." "Beautiful job he did. I mean, you would've thought she'd died of asthma." "And since it is the Councillor's wife and all I thought, we thought if you need any help whatsoever we would be more than willing to pitch in free of charge." "Delbert?" "Hmm?" "Er, yes, well, er let the embalming begin." "W- w- well, t- that's, t- that's very, very kind of you to offer but I think I can manage." "You wouldn't mind us taking a look at the body, would you?" "Just as professionals." "Uh, no, no." "No, no, no, you can't do that." "Erm... I- l mean, you can't because I've, er..." "I, er, you see, l-l-l've already got her in the erm ...in the special fluid." "Stops swelling and discoloration." "A secret passed on to me from my Father." "Sorry." "Well, perhaps another time...or maybe later?" "Goodnight." "Special fluid he said...stops the swelling." "Delbert, don't insult my intelligence." "What fluid?" "Brake fluid?" "You know, if he makes a mess of this I'm saying when he makes a mess of this the whole town is gonna know it." "He'll never do another funeral." "I'll be able to buy him out for a dollar." "I won't need to buy him out for a dollar." "I'll be the only game in town." "Betty?" "Who was it?" "That was Frank Featherbed and Delbert." "What did they want?" "They wanted to see your body." " What do you mean?" " Your dead body." "Oh." "Boris, I will be able to breathe in here, won't I?" "Oh, you won't be in here." "No, I'll get you out before I put the lid on." "But I'll bore some holes, just in case." "Just in case...what?" "Well, you know." "Be prepared." "Boris, you have thought this through?" "I'm not going to be buried alive or anything." "Betty, don't be ridiculous." "We just have this bit to get through, then we'll be fine." "Hugh'll take a look at you, say it's you, he'll leave the room..." " Fred, breakfast!" " There you go." "You pop out, I put the coffin lid back on, and we're home free." "Get in." "What do you mean?" "Get in?" "Well, whenever a loved one comes to identify the body, they always, always, mind you, touch the person in the coffin." " Boris, I'll freeze to death!" " Death is cold, Betty." "No one knows that better than me." "Get in." "Oh...oh..." "Oh...oh, it's freezing!" "Oh...!" "Oh, why couldn't I fall in love with a travel agent?" "It won't be for long. I'll come and get you as soon as Hugh shows up." "You're beautiful." "Comfy?" "He's here!" "He's here!" "I'm going to crack." "Oh, oh, be careful, Boris...oh... I'm frozen stiff!" "It's alright, love, I'll thaw you out." "I can't move." " Councillor Rhys-Jones, do come in." " Thank you, Boris." "May I say you have our deepest condolences at this time." "Perhaps a few moments to say goodbye before we close the coffin for the funeral." "She was so young." "I loved her so much." "I don't know how I will go on." "She's so beautiful...so serene." "So... ls that a frozen pea?" "Residue...from the fluids we use." "It's almost like she was alive." "such an accident." "You've done an amazing job, Boris." "Thank you." "She's so delicate and cold." "Death is so cold, isn't it?" "It certainly is." "Now we can close the coffin for the service." "No, wait. I've had an idea." "You've done such a wonderful job I want the world to see how beautiful she is." "I mean was." "I want an open coffin ceremony." "It's just a little gas settling in the body." "An open coffin?" "After such an accident, Councillor, is that in good taste?" "I don't care!" "Beauty needs to be seen to be appreciated." "But are you sure that's what Betty..." "Mrs. Rhys-Jones would have wanted?" "That's the best I've seen her look in seventeen years." "Thank you, Boris." "He's gone!" "Oh, no, no, no, Boris!" "What are we going to do?" "Give me the pills quick!" " What pills?" " What pills?" "The pills to knock me out!" "I don't have them!" "What do you mean you don't have them?" "I don't have them. I didn't think I'd need them." "I thought it was going to be a closed coffin." "I didn't know I'd do such a wonderful job." "Wonderful job?" "I'm alive, Boris, I'm not dead!" "We can do this, Betty." "We can do this!" "Look, I'll be standing nearby, and I'll intervene if anything goes wrong!" "You'll just have to concentrate." "We can do this." "We can do this." "Start praying." "In loving memory of Mrs Betty Rhys Jones" "Look, just leave it to me, Frank, otherwise sit in the back." "There's space up top." "Oh, no, I'll just slip it in here, I think." "Oh, yes!" "My goodness!" "Delbert, come here." "Who's the fox?" "Meredith." "I think I'm in love." "She got a boyfriend?" "I think she has many." " She's my type." " She's everybody's type, actually." "You were right, it's a good turn-out." "You saw what she looked like, Delbert, covered with blood and lacerations." "He's not up to the job, he's just not." "Now, don't laugh or anything when we get up there, will you." "I'll be good, I promise." "No matter how ridiculous she looks." "Oh, my gosh!" "Oh, my gosh!" "Well, now I'm depressed." "Oh, it's quite a job." "That's really something." "I mean, that's really something." "I heard you!" "I heard you!" "Unbelievable!" "How did he do that?" "I've never seen anyone look more alive." "She's like a model." "It's gotta be the make-up." " Steady, Frank." " Oh, Boris..." "No trade secrets." "Oh, come on, a little touch..." "Come on, we're all professionals here." "I don't want you to leave any smudges!" "The face has such a glow." " Did you use a collagen spray?" " No!" "Clear varnish?" "Mr. Sheen?" "Come on, Frank!" "Boris isn't going to give away his fluids!" "Lovely job." "Thank you." "Yeah." "Bye, Betty." "Yeah." "That's the worst over." " How many more are there?" " Hard to say." "Hugh's got come up yet." "He may take a little time." "Boris, I've got an itch under my chin." "It's driving me mad." "Up a bit, up, up...oh..." "Down a bit, down a bit... I thought I saw a wasp." "Oh, Betty sweet Betty..." "I am so sorry." "I never meant to have an affair with Hugh, just happened." "From the very first day I gave him a blow job under his desk, I knew it was wrong." "I should never have gone with him to Aberystwith and all those other places ...when he told you he was going on conventions." "But he's an animal, Betty, an animal." "And I did love that dominatrix thing for a while." "But only for a while, Betty, honest." "And I never really meant to poison you with the vodka." "Oh, I'm so glad that didn't work." "I'm glad you fell off the cliff instead." "Well, you know what I mean, Betty." "Will you ever be able to forgive me, Betty?" "Please forgive me." "Did you hear that?" "Did you hear that?" "Now, now, Betty, it's nearly over." "It's not over. lt's not over till the dead lady sings!" "Settle down." "Here comes Hugh." "I'll tap the coffin when you can breathe." "Betty...dear, dear sweet, innocent stupid Betty." "It couldn't have worked out any better." "Smell that, Betty." "Onion." "Great for tears." "Oh, Betty my poor sweet Betty." "All that money of yours and only me to spend it." "Unbelievable..." "How will I live?" "Maybe in Vegas..." "Caesar's Palace..." "Oh, love you were so young..." "But not as young as all those showgirls I'm gonna boff." "Oh, Betty!" "Lillies." "Well, Betty, it's been a nice ride." "Too bad you got derailed." "Ciao." "Bastard!" "My grandad brought me to see you." "He's waiting in the car." "I just wanted to tell you you're a very pretty lady and I am going to miss you very much." "You were always nice to me." "When you see my mother in Heaven..." "will you say hello to her?" "I know she would like you." "I told her about you in my prayers all the time." "I brought you some flowers." "I know that they're actually weeds but you and I see them as flowers, right?" "This rose, this rose is the first one that has come." "It's so beautiful." "See?" "I've got to go now." "Heaven must be a great place with people like you there." "Goodbye, Mrs Rhys-Jones." "Are you alright?" "Yes, I'm..." "Betty sneezed I'm covering." "Keep sneezing, I've got to talk to Hugh." "Would you like to proceed with the service." "Reverend Price is ready." "Whatever you say." "Coast is clear." "Did you hear?" "Did you hear what that bastard said?" "Betty, this is not the time!" "This is the only chance I've got to get you out!" "Quick!" "I just wanted one last look... at my love." "Rigor mortis." "I wanted to be here when you closed the coffin." "All done?" "All done." "Dearly beloved we have come together today to commend to the loving care of Almighty God the soul of our dear departed friend Betty..." "Oh, it's okay, Terry, you go with the boys." " Alright, Boris." " l'll be fine." "Betty, can you hear me?" "Oh, Boris..." "Boris, get me out of here!" "Oh, Betty love, I can't." "There's no room for the lid." "There's no clearance, you see?" "It's too low." "But we'll get you out, we'll get you out!" "Oh, Boris, did I tell you?" "I don't know if I mentioned it earlier but I'm claustrophobic." "Help!" "Help!" "Betty, settle down!" "Settle down, we're over the worst now!" "Over the worst?" "I'm about to be buried alive and you say we're over the worst!" "I don't know, call me daft, but I don't think so!" "Just take a deep breath, Betty, breathe deep." "It's a good job I bored those holes, eh?" "Be patient, my love!" "Think of Fred and Ginger." "Oh...help!" "Wrottin-Powys Cemetery ...and so it is...ashes to ashes dust to dust... in sure and certain hope of the Resurrection and the life ...of the world to come." "Goodbye, Betty." "In the name of the Father, the Son..." "Oh..." "I can't hang around." " Betty, can you hear me?" " Yes, I can hear you!" "We're nearly home free." "No!" "No, no, it's alright, er... you don't have to do that." "We, we can fill her in later." "I- l've got to plant her before I clock off!" "No, no, you can't do this!" "You can't do this!" "Stop!" "Stop!" "Why can't he?" "Why can't he?" "Because because of her religious beliefs." "This person...was a... non-mechanical Baptist." "Non-mechanical Baptist?" "That's right." "They're a small group from Aberdare who moved away and converted." "This person has to be buried in shovelled earth." "Shovelled earth?" "Nothing motorised!" "Hey, Dai!" "Non-mechanical Baptist." "Get the shovels!" "Alright then, Gareth!" "Betty?" "Betty, it's me. lt's me." "Come on, love!" "Get up!" " l'm thinking" " Thinking?" "No, this isn't the time to think, this is the time to resurrect!" "No, funny things happen when you hear yourself being buried, Boris." "D'you know what I mean?" "Oh, Betty, this isn't the time!" "You start to reflect." "Reflect with a capital 'R'." "Oh, I've been so stupid, so very na?" "ve." "I've got to change some things." "Fine!" "Great!" "Now can we reflect back at the shop?" "Because I don't particularly fancy the view much from down here." "Come out!" "Alright." "I'll give you a leg-up." "Quick!" "Quick!" "Go!" "Go!" "Go!" "So you were running away to start a new life together in some distant paradise?" "And you got away with it?" "I'll tell you this, Delbert... I never could have done what Boris did today." "I can't believe some local yokel showed me up." "Come on, Frank." "Before you know it another dead body will, will come strolling through that door and you'll be your old self again, man." "What if there is some kinda trade secret?" "That special fluid that stops the swelling and discoloration?" "I gotta go over there and find it!" "That's what I like to hear, man!" "That's it, that's the spirit!" "Not now, not now, right?" "The flashlight." "What do you mean you're not going?" "I've bought the tickets?" "How can I go after what I've heard?" "How could he do that to me?" "And that trollop..." "Betty, it's too late." "All those lies!" "And he's got the insurance money!" "Betty..." "He can't get away with it!" "There's only so much a dead person can do." "What are you going to do?" "Scare him to death?" "Be careful." "If you'd just leave me to drive, Frank." "If you drove on the right side of the street you'd be okay." "Off we go!" "Frank!" "Frank!" "Come on, look..." "Come on, Delbert!" "This is wrong, man." "Creeping around in the middle of the night!" "Let's go home, sleep on it." "Come on!" "And then in the morning with a clear head, after deep thought, we'll break in and ransack the place!" "Shut your hole!" "Now keep it really quiet." "Come on, Boris, where's your sense of adventure?" "Half way to Tahiti!" "Why don't you just call the cops?" "Shall we call the police?" "Watch out, you're killing me!" "We can't call the police!" "I've got an undead dead person here." "Get on the slab!" " What?" " Get on the slab!" " l don't want to." " Come on!" "Once you're in, unlock the door." "Now, whatever happens, don't move." "Oh, I don't like it on here!" "I'm in!" "Delbert, don't worry, the door's not locked." "You kiss pretty good for a corpse." "Oh, Boris, you haven't?" "No!" "Lie down." "I'm just a little apprehensive, alright?" "What do you think we're gonna run into dead bodies or something?" "We'll just snoop around and leave." "What are you doing?" "With the lights out?" "Frank, I love her." " But she's..." " No, it's not what you... lt's not like that!" "That's not right!" "I mean, that's not right!" "You don't understand!" "I do understand. I know this goes on." "Frank, I can explain..." "Oh, it's not what you think!" " But she's..." " lt's not..." "Oh, it's not what you..." " Delbert!" " l thought..." " We never meant..." " But we thought you were..." " Oh, it's not what..." " This is all so..." "Wait, wait...stop!" "Someone, finish a sentence." "I can explain." "That's a start." "Well, you see, Boris and I have fallen in love, and the only way well the only way we can be together is if my husband thinks I'm dead." "So we staged her death." "And then we were going to go" "Wait a minute, why am I explaining all this?" "What are you doing in my house?" "Frank?" "Yes, Frank, explain that!" "Well.." "I was just so damn jealous." "You did such a good job, I had to know how you did it." "But, I got you now." "Once everybody knows about this you'll never do another funeral." "I'll be the only game in town." "Come on, Delbert." "Wait, Frank!" "Can't we cut a deal here?" "I mean, I could sell you the business... cheap, hmm?" "You'd never see us again." "How's that?" "Why should I?" "I got you already." "Oh, but I could still sell to someone else." "So, either you'll have both or you'll still have competition." "Fifty percent of market value." " Thirty." " Forty." "Deal." "Here, wait a minute." "I'm not going anywhere." "I'm not leaving until Hugh and Meredith get what they deserve!" "It's a long story." "Actually, Frank, you might have one or two items I could borrow." "Go!" " Go!" " What?" "Come on!" "Trollop!" "Ready?" "Check." "Check." "I blame love." "Love can drive a man bonkers." "Delbert, say check." "Hmm?" "Check." "Ladies and gentlemen, it's Showtime!" "Okay, if there's one thing we've learnt today, it 'play with fire and you get burnt'." "But beware...revenge can quickly cool things off." "Oh, it's really chilly in this house tonight." "Oh, look, I don't know if we should be doing this, Hugh." "My Tarot was really funny this week, and" "Betty's barely cold." "Come here!" "Let me take away your fears." "Hugh...?" "Hugh..." "Rhys-Jones I don't like this, Hugh." "Kids!" "It's coming from out there somewhere." "The spirits are awakening." "Hugh... I'm going out there." "They have come" " Don't leave me alone!" " Stay there!" "Who's there?" "What's going on?" "Oi...who's there?" "What's all this smoke?" "is that you, Hugh?" "Your wife is coming for you..." "Why, Meredith?" "Why?" "Betty, is that you?" "Please, wait, just let's talk!" "There's nothing to talk about, Meredith." "You wanted me dead I'm dead." "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry..." "Please forgive me!" "Forgive me, I've been a bad girl." "A very, very bad girl." "You are damned, Meredith Mainwaring damned for all time." "You will burn in eternal hell!" "Not eternal hell?" "I sunburn really easily." "And who the hell are you?" "I will haunt you every night unlessssss" "Unless what?" "Please, tell me!" "I'll do anything, anything!" "Unless you follow my instructions that are written in blood!" "Follow them and you will be saved." "You keep away from me!" "Meredith!" "Meredith!" "Hello, Hugh..." "Betty?" "But you're dead!" "You've grown twigs in your head." "You can't be a ghost!" "I don't believe in ghosts!" "I do believe in ghosts!" "I do!" "I do!" "I do!" "I come from a world of a wrathful god." "Betty, I think you're taking this all... much too seriously." "You must atone for your sins." "Sins?" "What sins?" "The lies, the adultery, the embezzlement." "Oh, those sins." "Oh, atone" "How do I know you've got any power?" "Oh, just checking!" "Just checking!" "I'll atone!" "I'll atone!" "I'll atone!" "Now leave my house!" "Oh, but where would I go?" "Try the Holiday Inn!" "I'm going!" "I'm going!" "I'm going!" "I'm gone!" "Oh, the keys, the keys, the keys!" "Goodbye" "Betty I gotta hand it to you." "You got style." "Right one more stop and it's off to Bali." "Bali?" "No, No, Tahiti." "Oh, whatever." "Willie?" "Willie?" "You're so beautiful." "Willie, everything's going to be all right." "Have you been to Heaven already?" "I have, Willie." "Did you see my Mum?" "Oh...she's so proud of you." "She told me to tell you that she loves you very much." "And she'll always watch over you." "Say hello to her for me." "Tell her I pray for her every night." "And she hears you." "She told me so." "Got to go now." "Goodbye, Willie." "And brush your teeth be good to your Grandad" "And never forget what you've told me." "That every weed can be a flower." "And it's never too late for anything...ever." "Bye, Willie and always remember ...that your Mother's voice is in the wind." "We are gathered here to read the last Will and Testament of Mrs Betty Rhys-Jones." "Now. I, Betty Rhys-Jones being of sound mind and body do hereby bequeath all my worldly possessions to one" "William Goodman." "What?" "!" "I do further bequeath a monthly stipend of five hundred pounds to my husband Hugh Rhys-Jones providing that he follows the following conditions" "What?" "What bloody conditions?" "Give that here!" "Now, Hugh, now bach..." "Ladies and gentlemen would you please welcome the eighth wonder of the world, Jerry Springer!" "Thank you." "Hey, welcome to the show!" "Today we're talking to a haunted mistress from Wrottin-Powys in Wales." "Please welcome Meredith!" "What?" "Meredith, welcome to the show." "Now, you were having an affair with, it says here, Councillor..." "Hugh Rhys-Jones." " ls that right?" " Yes, that's right." "And this began before or after his wife's tragic death in the accident?" "Well, it was while she was still alive." "Okay, I think we have a picture of the Councillor." "Now, can we put that up" "Wow, that's the kind of guy who really sets the pulses racing in Wales!" "That true?" "Mr. lrrisistible right?" "Yeah" "Now Councillor Rhys" " Jones is not aware that you're appearing on the show, is that right?" " That's right. I wasn't allowed to tell him." " Why not?" "Betty his wife, she forbade me." "Let me get this straight." "You're saying his wife's ghost wouldn't allow you to tell him?" "Yes, that's right." "Right, I'm not gonna ask you why you have, a tape of that." "And can we roll the tape now?" "To go to such elaborate lengths for love, it..." "I guess it's style." "Itjust goes to prove, it's never too late." "Till next time, take care of yourself and each other."