"Well, how do I look?" "Whoa, man." "Y ou know that model in all them Hugo Boss ads?" " Y eah." " Y ou don't look nothing like him." "Y ou're just jealous because the love of my life has returned." "In Cindy, I have found the woman I'd share the rest of my life with." "Y ou've never even found a woman you'd share a burrito with." "Earth to Carlton, but Cindy dumped you, man." "She didn't dump me, Will." "She was just working through a fear of intimacy... caused by an overpowering father and a narcissistic mother." "Sure it wasn't your breath?" "Oh, look, hors d'oeuvres." "Isn't it great to be rich?" "Hands off." "They're for Cindy." "Cindy?" "Isn't she the one who dumped you?" "Carlton, why are you wearing a suit?" "Is Daddy bringing home white people?" " No." "Cindy's coming over." " Cindy?" "I thought she dumped you." "Okay, okay, she dumped me... but now that she's back, I'm not gonna let her go." "I'm gonna prove to her that I'm ready for an adult, mature relationship." "Door!" "Door!" "Door!" "All right, don't wet yourself." "I'll get it." "God, I'm a wreck." " Carlton." " Cindy." "I have something that belongs to you." "Say hello to Daddy." "Excuse me." "G, hurry up with that water, man." "That's it." "Carlton, wake up." "Now, come on, man." "Congratulations, man." "He's a boy." "Carlton, come on, man." "Carlton, a father?" "He won't even let Ken and Barbie sleep in the same shoebox." "Y ou and Cindy?" "I mean, come on." "Hey, the longest relationship Carlton ever had was with last year's..." "Ebony swimsuit issue." "This isn't a joke." "I mean, doesn't he look just like Carlton?" "Well, it looks like they wear the same size." " Can I hold him?" " Y eah, here you are." "Oh, he is so cute." "Oh!" "Get this drool machine away from me." "Hey, can I?" "Thank you." "What up, dude?" "Boy, when Mom and Dad see this, somebody's gonna swing." "Well, I can assure you, it won't be me." "This time, the butler didn't do it... hasn't done it... and I'd be surprised if he even remembered how to do it." "Philip, I am never wearing a bathing suit again, as long as I live." "Now, honey, I'm sure the pool man didn't really mistake you for me." "He called me Mr. Banks." "That's still no reason to hold his head underwater, sweetheart." " I'll get you some antacid for that." " No, don't." "That wasn't me." "Cindy." "Mr. And Mrs. Banks." "Hi, sweetheart." "How long has it been?" "Well, I'd take a shot in the dark and say around nine months." "Whose is that?" "He's mine." "Oh, my goodness." "He's adorable." "Come here, sweetheart." "Oh, my." "What's his name?" "Carlton." "Oh, my God." "Please tell me your father's first name is Carlton." "Sorry, wrong answer." "Now, for those of you just tuning in to Name That Father... this little bundle of joy belongs to a young man... who's seen Litt/e Mermaid eight times." "No." "Carlton... are you the father?" "Excuse me." "Carlton." "Carlton." " Carlton!" " Vivian." "Honey, honey." "Back off, Philip." "I am having a mother-son moment." " Carlton, how could you do this to us?" " Vivian, step away from the boy." "Now, look, we're going to have to talk about this in private." "Not you, stupid." "Sit your butt down." "Hey, I'll take care of this, Uncle Phil." "Okay, that's it." "Move it along, party's over." "Nothing to see here." "Come on." "Pep it up, little grey man." "Man, I thought they'd never leave." " Will." " Phil." "All right, I'm sorry." "I'm just gonna..." "Look, I didn't mean to cause any trouble." "Sweetheart, you show up here with a baby that you say is my son's... and you didn't mean to cause any trouble." "Where do you think you are, Fantasy /s/and?" "Watch out how you talk to the mother of my son." "Sir." "Carlton, do you realize what you're saying?" "He is Carlton's baby." "I'll believe that when I see a blood test." "It's the truth, whether you want to believe it or not." "I love Carlton." "Really?" "Y es." "And I'll tell you something else." "Carlton is the most incredible lover I have ever had." "Oh, God." "I mean, he's so in tune with my needs." "It was amazing, and endless, and magnificent." "I think I saw God." "The windows." "I'm sorry." " I fell." " We didn't mean to." "I fell." "I fell." "Carlton, I am so disappointed in you." "I mean, why didn't you come to us first?" "Honey, we could have counseled you." "Or at least had you neutered." "Cindy, honey, I don't understand." "If you knew this was Carlton's son, why did you leave?" "Because I knew that a baby could ruin his life... but I did feel that he deserved to see his son... and that's why I came." "Thank you for stopping by." "Bye." "Philip." "Cindy, honey, I think we need to talk to your parents about this." "That won't do any good." "They don't want to have anything to do with me." "They threw you out?" "Where are you going to stay?" "Mommy?" " Well, you could stay with us." " No!" "At least, until after the blood test." " I couldn't impose." " Oh, we understand." "Y ou know, I hear Ramada Inn has a wonderful pool." "Cindy, please stay." "We want you to, okay?" "Carlton will show you to the guest room... and there's no need to wake the baby." "Y ou know... it's like the Rodney King videotape, you know?" "I just keep seeing it over, and over, and over again." "And I ask myself, where did I fail him, you know?" "Where did we go wrong?" "Hey, Mom, guess who?" "No, it's Will." "Will Smith." "Hey, yo, Mom, check it out." "It is some drama cutting loose out here." "No, I'm not in trouble, but, no, check it out." "Somebody we know is a grandma." "No, not you, Mom." "Mom." "No, Mom." "Mom, stop crying." "Stop crying." "Mom, no, it's not me." "It's..." "Carlton is the father." "Stop laughing, Mom." "Y eah, that will be a large pepperoni with extra cheese." "Right." "I love you." "That makes them bring it faster." "Give me the phone, Will." "This time Cindy's parents are going to talk to me." "Philip, honey, just be calm." "Now, I'm sure they're lovely people." "Just because they let their daughter run wild... and take advantage of our only son and flush his life down the toilet..." " Give me the damn phone, Philip." " Vivian!" "Vivian, sweetheart, I'll handle it." "Y es, hello." "Y eah, don't you dare try to hang up on me." "What kind of lowlifes are you... throwing a minor out onto the street and endangering a helpless infant?" "Well, I'm going to do everything I can to see you behind bars." "And what do you have to say for yourself?" "So when will your mommy and daddy be home?" "Here we come, ready or not." "Super, huh?" "Look, matching hats." "I never knew having a family could be so neat." " I love you." " I love you, too." "All right, whoa." "I'd like to take this opportunity... to bring it to everyone's attention that Uncle Phil's head is about to explode... and, for once, it ain't my fault." "Well, I think it's time for little Carlton's nap." "Y eah, it smells like you needs to be changed, too." " I'll miss you, honey." " Miss you, too." " Isn't she something?" " Y eah, she sure is... and Monday, after the blood test proves the baby's not yours... she'll be out of here on the first thing smoking." "Dad, the baby's mine." "Carlton, honey, suppose the baby is yours." "Now, being a teenage parent is a very big responsibility, honey... and you have already proven yourself irresponsible... otherwise, you wouldn't be in this situation." "How are you going to feed this baby?" "Where are you going to live?" "How are you going to educate it?" "Wait a minute." "Y ou mean, you're not going to take care of us?" " Hold me back, Philip." " Carlton, get out." "Get out, now." "Go." "Hey, I got him, but take another step, and I'll fill you full of potassium." "Master William, might I see you for a moment?" "Y eah, sure." "What's up, G?" "Well, it's such a beautiful night." "I thought you might like to see the moon." "Go easy on the poor little pinhead." "Are you climbing down Rapunzel's extensions?" "I don't want Mom and Dad to know." " To know what?" " Cindy and I are driving to Lompoc." "No, Carlton, nobody drives to Lompoc." "Y ou drive through Lompoc." "No, but there's a chapel." "We're eloping." " What?" " No, Will, I don't want to hear it." "I'm tired of everyone telling me what to do." "I love Cindy, and I've made up my mind." "All right, man, fine." "Look, whatever you want to do is fine with me." "What?" "I said, whatever you want to do is fine with me." "If you want to marry Cindy, go ahead." "Just do me a favor." "Sleep on it tonight." "In the morning, if you feel the same way then, whatever you want to do." " Deal?" " Deal." "My man." "Oh, give me your car keys." "Y ou know, Will, I gave you my word." "I'd think that'd be enough." "Y eah, you lucky I ain't going to do you like Kunta Kinte and chop off your foot." " Y our cheesecake, sir." " Thank you, Geoffrey." " Geoffrey, would you get Carlton, please?" " Certainly, sir." "Thank you." "Run, Geoffrey." "Fetch, Geoffrey." "Perhaps you'd like me to catch a Frisbee in my teeth?" " Hey, y'all." " Hey, freeze!" "Just where have you been?" " To the refrigerator." " At this hour?" "It's 8:00." "Philip, look at us." "We are really overreacting." "This is Will." "There's no such thing as overreacting." " Frisk him." " Whoa." "Look, Adolph, Eva, why don't you all relax for a second." "Geoffrey, where's Carlton?" "I'm sorry, sir, but he's not in his room... but the trip wasn't a total loss." "I found $1.25 under his bed." "Who knew Christmas would come twice this year?" "Geoffrey, did you check Cindy's room?" "The girl hasn't a penny to her name." "Will, where's Carlton?" "I don't know, Uncle Phil." "Did you check the cracks in the couch?" "Will, you know something?" "Come on, Uncle Phil... does this look like the face of a dude that knows something?" "He's got a point there, Vivian." "Well, maybe we should call Carlton's friends." "That's a good idea." "I'll call one, you call the other." "Number 52." "Well, we're next, my little bride-to-be." "Carlton..." "I hope you don't feel like I pressured you into this." "I mean, you are glad we're getting married, right?" "Glad?" "Cindy, I've been in love with you ever since the third grade." "I mean, I used to go to sleep at night and dream about the day we'd be married." " Do you really mean that, Carlton?" " Y es." "We're going to have such a wonderful life." "I mean, we'll have to live in a trailer at first... but I'll get a job during the days, and I'll work nights, too... as soon as I lick that pesky fear of the dark thing." "Well, you know, Carlton, I was thinking that I would get a job, too." "Don't worry about it." "No wife of mine is going to have to work." "I mean, you can stay home and take care of the kids." "Exactly how many kids?" "Well, you know what they say, eight is enough." "Look, Carlton, I need to..." " Would you watch the baby for a minute?" " Sure." "Please, sweetie, please don't cry." "Here comes little Mr. Ducky." "Doesn't he quack you up?" "Wow!" "If I could pass like that, they wouldn't make me play on the girl's team." "They'll throw us out." "That's my boy." ""And if there's anyone here..." ""who feels this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony..." ""let them speak now or forever hold their peace."" "Stop, man, don't do it!" "Y ou don't even know if the baby is yours!" " How did you know I'm having a baby?" " What?" "Y ou having a baby?" "Y o, hey, look, my fault." "Y ou all, see, my cousin was supposed..." "Hey, congratulations, man." "So you're having his baby?" "What a wonderful way to say how much I love you, huh?" "Y ou're too late, Will." "Oh, man, you did it?" "Tell me you didn't do it." "God, please tell me you didn't marry her." "I didn't marry her." "Y es." "Y ou the man." "She left me." "I got the feeling she didn't want to live with me." " What made you think that?" " She said she didn't want to live with me." "Oh, man, I mean, she can't just walk out on you like that." " What if the kid is yours?" " He's not." "Carlton, come on, just because the baby is cute... doesn't mean you're not the father." "I never slept with her." "Look, since we're in a church, I feel the need to confess something." "Please don't laugh." "This is really hard for me to say." "I'm a... y ou a German?" "No." "I'm a virgin." "What?" "I'm a virgin!" "It's nice to know somebody still is." "Hey, look, Carlton, man, I mean, I didn't know." "I mean, hey, don't feel bad though." "I mean, a lot of guys are... you know, Germans." "Will, I feel so unused." "I mean, promise me you won't tell anyone." "Hey, Carlton, come on, man, you ain't got nothing to be ashamed of." "I mean, everybody talks about how much pressure there is on girls to have sex." "I mean, there's pressure on us, too." "That's why we lie about it." "Y ou lie about it?" "Y ou mean you're a virgin, too?" "Keep your voice down, man." "I ain't no virgin!" "Sorry." "Hey, look, man, when it comes to me and the honeys, I just say... no way." "Y ucky." "Will, I'm really gonna miss her." " Where did she go?" " Back to her parents." "When she called and told them she was going to marry me... they came and got her." "Hey, look, Carlton, man, they're wrong about you." "Y ou're a great guy, man." "Hey, look, come on." "Let's go home, so you can get in trouble." "And don't worry about it, man." "I mean... one day the right girl's going to come along... and, I mean, you won't be a German forever, you know?" "Good, 'cause I'm really looking forward to losing my accent." "Hey, don't you dare try to hang up on me." "Now, who do you think you are?" "What kind of lowlifes are you people... to throw a helpless minor out onto the street with a helpless infant?" "I'll call you back." "Who are you people, to talk to my uncle like that..." " with a helpless infant..." " Here we go." "...and helpless actors?" " Okay." " With a// these he/p/ess peop/e." " Okay, here." "This is it." "Wi// somebody p/ease he/p us?"