"Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells - font" "Hello!" "Thank you, everybody, thank you, and welcome to what is a Top Gear Special, a two-part adventure around the heart of Africa." "We were each told to buy a second-hand estate car here in Britain for not more than 1,500 quid." "And then we were told to report, with our cars, to the start line, which was in a small village in rural Uganda." "So, you've seen Sir David Attenborough's take on Africa, now it's time to see ours." "'I was the first to arrive and I was feeling a bit nervous.'" "As you can see, I've gone for a BMW 528i, and on the internet, it looked fantastic." "But, I've now had the chance to examine it more closely, and one or two things are giving me cause for concern." "For example, it's got a manual gearbox." "Now that tells me the previous owner was the sort of chap that likes to take it to the max between gear changes." "Secondly, the front tyres are Pirellis, the back tyres are made by a company I've never heard of." "So that tells me it's been run on a tight budget." "I don't know what the challenge is going to be, but I'm going to be doing it like that." "Hang on, that is the throb of a turbocharged flat-4 engine." "A sound which, all over the world, heralds the imminent arrival of a moron." "'And it did here, too.'" "It's Richard Hammond, everybody, who I suspect has started to dye his hair." "See what you think." "Hammond!" "And there it is." "It is, yes." "Well, there can be only one word." "Legend." "Subaru Impreza WRX estate." "And driven by emeritus professors all over the world." "Yes, yes." "No, no." "Just hang on." "Here's my thinking." "I don't know what challenges face us here, but think about it." "Subaru stands for Toughest-Thing-On-The-Planet," "WRX stands for world rallycross, which the Impreza just owned." "It's all there." "Four-wheel-drive, turbocharged estate." "But you're going to look stupid doing it." "I don't have to look." "I know I'm wearing double denim, and that is a mistake, but you've got Daktari trousers on, and the wheels of the agri-yob." "Actually, it looks a bit like you." "What?" "You know, small, and with a sort of surprised expression." ""A tree!" Yes." ""A house!"" "Well, then, that's perfect." "My face in that car." "Honestly, I'm so chuffed." "This time, I've done this right." "Big boot." "Practical." "Practical?" "So, what have you got?" "528i, rear wheel drive, 2.8 straight-6." "How many miles has it done?" "151,000." "This, though, is the last of the mechanical 5-series." "After this, they started using computers." "What, their solid state?" "This is simple, mechanical engineering." "Anywhere, listen." "Yes?" "James isn't here." "No." "No surprises there." "I know for a fact what he's got." "Go on." "He'll have a Volvo." "Yeah." "He'll have gone..." "Yes, yes, yes." "Because you know he's got no imagination at all." "'As it turned out, James did have a Volvo, 'but not the sort of Volvo we were expecting.'" "That isn't an 850 R, is it?" "It is, it is!" "That's a bold call!" "Gentlemen." "Yes?" "You bought an 850 R?" "It doesn't matter, it's a Volvo." "This defines the estate car." "Nothing else is an estate car, only this." "Have you seen the tyres on an 850 R?" "Well, there aren't any." "It has tyres." "It's just a thin veneer of paint on a wheel." "But they're high-performance tyres." "It's a high-performance car." "I know." "It does 146mph." "Do you remember British Touring Car Championships?" "These were great fun to watch." "Yes." "And they were on dirt tracks, weren't they?" "No." "Racetracks." "Yes." "Do you think when Volvo sat down to the design the 850 R, they said, "Now, Africa."" ""We need to try and get some market share over there,"" ""so let's lower the suspension, fit very low profile tyres."" "They didn't think that in so many words, but when you design a Volvo, you design it for everything." "It doesn't look at home, does it?" "That looks at home." "That looks at home on the M4 in the outside lane, too close to the car in front, being driven by an embittered toner distribution manager." "He's right." "Let's be honest." "That's going to beach." "It's not." "It is!" "'As we argued, a challenge arrived.'" "Hello." "Thank you." ""You will find the source of the River Nile."" "That's it?" "That's it." "So we're Livingstone, Burton and Speke!" "Yes, we are." "And I have the right car!" "Come on, for exploring." "If Livingstone was still alive..." "He's not, is he?" "No." "Ken Livingstone is, but it's not Ken Livingstone." "If the other, explorer Livingstone bloke were alive, he would drive a Subaru Impreza WRX estate." "Yeah, but Speke, my favourite of all the Victorian explorers, Beemer man." "Was he?" "Yeah." "So do we just go that way?" "Well, do you know, I'd head downhill, personally." "No, no, uphill!" "Right, uphill." "Looking for the source of a river, uphill." "Here we go." "The source of the..." "The source of the River Nile." "The Nile, the longest river in the world." "A mighty 4,000-mile ribbon of year-round water, running from the heart of Africa to the Mediterranean Sea, bringing life and sustenance to millions." "Finding its source has occupied the minds and claimed the lives of explorers for thousands of years." "Roman legions, Arab traders, the Victorian British." "All have forged a path through the fast heat of this awe-inspiring continent to find where the raging torrent came from." "And today, we would join that illustrious band of brothers." "We would take up the challenge no matter what the perils, no matter what the hardships, no matter what..." "I'm sorry to interrupt myself, but I think we have a problem." "Erm..." "We've found it." "Right." "Erm..." "Erm..." "That is Lake Victoria." "It is." "Man has known for 160 years that Lake Victoria is the source of the Nile, and it's not like we could miss it." "It's quite large." "It is the size of Latvia." "Is it?" "Yeah." "This exploring is not as hard as I thought it would be." "No, my car hasn't suffered at all." "No, I'm fine." "What are we going to do for the rest of...?" "We're only a few minutes in." "We could pretend we haven't." "If we stand like this..." "No, because you can hear it." "You can't miss it." "What?" "Look, we've already found it, you idiot." "That is the source of the Nile." ""This is not the source of the Nile."" "It is." ""The source of the Nile is still disputed." ""The Victorians thought it was Lake Victoria,"" ""but today we know this huge body of water is fed by many rivers."" ""One of them is the true source, and even today, in 2012,"" ""experts have not been able to determine which it is."" ""You will."" "You know what?" "This is an opportunity for us to write ourselves into the history books." "I mean, finding the source of the Nile, if we can say this is it..." "And then it would be marked on a map, and we'd be able to go, "That was us."" "This is quite a big one." "That's quite good, actually." "I quite like that." "What?" "It says experts have not been able to determine which it is." "Yeah." "Well, where do we fit in?" "'We broke out the map, and discovered that two places 'are currently marked as the source of the Nile." "'One in Burundi, found by a Dr Burckhard Waldecker, 'and one in Rwanda, found by Joanna Lumley." "'And since our source had to be further from the Mediterranean 'than either of these two, it had to be further south.'" "Hang on, hang on." "Here's the Nile, OK, but look." "The Nile also comes here, into this lake, and then this lake, which is connected to that lake." "It doesn't say on the map, but if these two are connected, look, this will be the source of the Nile, down here." "Yeah, but if those two are connected," "I think we'd know about it by now, and they would have drawn it on." "No, no, you say that, but David Livingstone thought the source of the Nile was down here." "So what we need to do is go here and establish that these two are joined up, check it out, we're in business." "And so our epic journey began." "A journey that would see us taking on nature at its most brutal." "There would be lions, insects and thick, glutinous mud." "We'd have to climb every mountain and ford every stream." "And we'd have to do it all in three second-hand cars we'd bought for less than 1,500 quid each." "Right, my car." "Well, it's got quite a sticky throttle, but other than that, every single thing works, even the air conditioning." "I've never, ever had a car with working air conditioning before on one of these trips, but I have now, and it is joyous." "The Impreza is all about that engine and drivetrain." "You're just aware, constantly, that this is rally-bred." "The other two, they're just sporty versions of ordinary estate cars." "This is the best car here, fact." "It's a cracking car, the Volvo 850 R." "This one's done 145,000 miles." "It's just clicked over, in fact, onto that figure, and you wouldn't really know." "It's so smooth, the transmission is excellent, the engine is silky, everything works." "Except the air conditioning." "But at least that saves me the effort of getting really annoyed when the other two deliberately break it out of spite, jealousy and small-mindedness." "Crikey!" "It's the Ugandan rozzers." "I think the President's just driven past us." "A couple of rules you need to know, really, about Uganda, if you're coming here." "Number one, if you're a male homosexual and you indulge in your homosexuality, it's life imprisonment." "That's very important to know." "Also, it is compulsory here for motorcyclists to wear crash helmets, unless you are a woman on her way back from the hairdressers." "Then you are allowed to wear a carrier bag on your head instead." "I promise that's true!" "At this point, the producers told us to stop off at the still bullet-scarred Entebbe Airport." "It was here, in 1976, that Israeli special forces staged a daring operation to rescue passengers from a hijacked airliner." "Wow, look at this!" "I'll tell you what, I couldn't be Israeli special forces." "You'd get out of breath." "I'm exhausted." "They'd be sitting there thinking, "Help, here comes help," and then..." ""Sorry, just give us five!"" "More bullet holes." "'Out on the balcony, we saw something a bit worrying.'" "Is that a Ford Scorpio?" "Where?" "There." "It is." "Estate." "I'd say that's there for one reason!" "That's why they brought us here." "Funny." "Funny." "Because what that is..." "That's the forfeit car." "It is." "If one of our cars goes wrong..." "Which, let's face it, James, yours is going to break in half." "I've always liked the Scorpio!" "You have not!" "You know that word you like, James, gopping?" "It is gopping!" "That was invented." "Nothing has ever been more gopping than that!" "'And as we prepared to leave, 'it looked like one of us would soon be driving it.'" "That's full throttle." "It's revving, slightly, but I'm not doing it." "You know this all-mechanical BMW of yours?" "You were very proud of that." "Yeah." "Does it have a fly-by-wire throttle?" "Yeah." "Ha-ha-ha!" "So it's all mechanical, except that bit?" "'Jeremy broke out his vast and sophisticated toolkit.'" "What else is electrical in here?" "Not the exhaust manifold." "I've done the fuse box, if that's what that is." "That's an air filter." "Right." ""It's all mechanical, you can mend it with a hammer!"" "If this works..." "Yes?" "Ha-ha-ha!" "Soldier on." "With my throttle still not working brilliantly, we set off for the lakes." "But first, we had to get through Uganda's capital city." "Kampala." "This is going to turn out to be one of those places with terrible crash statistics." "In fact, Hammond was wrong." "Because to have a crash, first you have to be moving." "Holy cow!" "That is..." "We're never, ever, ever going to get through." "What are we going to do, seriously, here?" "We're never, ever going to get through there." "'It's probably safe to say the Victorian explorers 'didn't face problems as big as this.'" "Jesus!" "Sally Traffic, are you watching this on Radio 2?" "Because this is what we call a traffic jam." "From now on, just go, "Everything's going very well in England, really."" "My God." "Hammond, this is phenomenal." "It is the heaviest traffic ever, ever seen." "This is just like a scrapyard on the road in front." "Cars and vans piled on top of each other." "Going to finish our days here." "Well, we're all right if we want supper." "I fancy a banana." "Excuse me?" "'Not knowing the exchange rate, I accidentally bought more than one.'" "No, it's all right." "Do I have all of them?" "Christ!" "Bloody hell!" "How do you do that?" "How the hell do you do that?" "I can't!" "Three hours later, our average speed made for grim reading." "It must quieten down soon." "It's evening now." "'But it didn't.'" "It wasn't a dream." "I'm still here." "I can't get over how heavy those bananas were." "How could she have them on her head?" "'By this stage, we were pretty famished, 'but then breakfast turned up.'" "Wow, that's just a meat feast in front of me here!" "Hang on, look, look." "Right." "Well, you were here first, so do I buy yours?" "More bones." "Bone." "What, it's goat bone?" "Yeah." "I don't want that." "How much is the water?" "Yes." "How much is that?" "This one." "It just happens to be that." "Obviously, it is." "Of course it is." "Thank you very much." "No, thank you." "I've got one." "What is it?" "Is it a chair leg?" "Soon we found a dual carriageway, and, at last, the traffic started to move." "Freedom!" "That's it, that's the end!" "We headed west, towards the lakes, surprised at how easy this exploring was turning out to be." "This is just tremendous." "This is like being in northern France." "Look at that ahead." "Ha-ha, Hammond, you don't need a Subaru." "This road is fantastically smooth." "Apparently it was built by the Chinese in exchange for some oil deal." "It's like the Swiss have done it, or some Austrians." "Yeah, right now, we could be on the M4." "But the point is, further on, if things get tough, if we end up off this road and on tracks, the other two will be completely stuffed." "I will have the last laugh." "Wow!" "It's my town!" "We've just entered Jezza." "No!" "When I say we've just entered Jezza, that's a disgusting thought." "We've come into Jezza." "No, we haven't come into Jezza." "Even though we were on an important mission," "I decided we should pull over and have a look around." "Jezza church." "They've actually had a church where they worship me." "Protect and serve?" "I've never seen that and those close." "That doesn't make any sense at all." "My name is Jezza." "Your name is Jezza?" "My name is Jezza." "What do you think of that?" "You'll like this, James." "There is Jezza's back alley." "Well found." "At this point, to demonstrate that Hammond's car was too small," "James and I bought him a present." "Do you like it?" "We like it, because it's really the dralon." "Yeah." "Because we know you like dralon because you're from Birmingham." "And we know that you like the peacock and cheetah blend which gives an African and yet Birmingham flavour." "Yes." "And I've put it in my car and we know it fits." "We know it fits, and mine." "It fits in both our cars." "Does it?" "Yes, it does." "Does it really?" "Yes." "Precisely into your car?" "It's snug." "Snug." "Anyway, Hammond." "There are plenty of people here who can help you." "Good." "Let's pop it in the back of my car." "OK, now, maybe I could..." "I think he's started to dye his hair." "Do you?" "Have a look." "He's 45 and there isn't a grey hair." "You know Paul McCartney?" "Yeah." "Have a look at that." "I think if I maybe..." "Easy, yeah." "That'll fit." "Yeah." "Erm..." "Is it nearly in?" "Let's have a look." "Pretty close." "What you've got now is a big rear spoiler." "That's how it runs." "Right, I think it's time to pull out of Jezza." "I just hope no-one sees me doing it." "'As we headed further West, we discovered that rural Uganda 'is the world capital of the speed hump.'" "God!" "Ya-ya!" "James is now regretting selecting the R." "If they get any bigger, I've had it, if I'm honest." "'Annoyingly, though, the speed mountains 'didn't seem to worry the agri-yob.'" "Easy." "No problem, goodbye." "'But Jeremy and I suffered, for mile after graunching mile.'" "That's it, no more." "Apart from that one." "But that really was the absolute last one." "Whoa!" "My God!" "Relax." "Not yet." "'As night started to fall, it was time to look for a hotel.'" "'And Hammond thought we'd stand a better chance of finding one 'if we switched to the side roads.'" "'Which was a great idea'" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "I can't stop!" "You idiot!" "I can't stop it!" "Well, I can't stop it, either!" "I'm enjoying the sounds of disaster behind me." "Hammond, there had better be a really good hotel at the end of this." "These buildings down here, there'll be a very nice hotel." "One of those with a posh book in it." "So, in your mind, because there's tea being grown, there's a sort of plantation house with a veranda and somebody saying," ""Would you like a gin sling?"" "People in white linen suits with hats on have to come to tea plantations to test and buy tea for supermarkets." "I've seen it on the television." "They will need hotels to stay in, there will be one near the tea plantation, if not in it." "Fact." "Hammond." "'What?" "'" "If we're about to rejoin that main road," "I'm going to have to get out and kill you very slowly, I'm afraid." "I believe that is what has happened, yeah." "Still, at least it's a lovely evening." "There you go." "I told you there would be a hotel, and there it is." "I don't see anybody coming out to help with our luggage." "So, let's go and check in." "Jesus." "That is characterful, isn't it?" "No." "Have you heard of those boutique hotels?" "Small, with a style all of their own?" "You're getting that room." "This one's got a chair and a table." "I don't think you'd even notice the smell after a while." "My God." "Hammond!" "The next morning, desperate to redeem himself," "Hammond called an emergency breakfast meeting." "Let's just face reality here." "We're in Africa, and we're not in a big, touristy bit of Africa, are we?" "No." "All the hotels are going to be like that or worse, and I've had an idea." "If you suggest camping, there will be a live and celebrated television death." "Your love affair with tenting..." "No, I'm not camping." "It's not, I..." "Let me finish." "I haven't said tents." "We've all three got estate cars, yeah?" "Yes." "Why don't we sleep in the cars?" "We can control it, it's ours, they're dry, warm..." "Just get in the car." "Actually, that's not a bad idea." "Get a sleeping bag, sleep in your car." "I could get a mattress that hasn't got excrement all over it." "But seriously, you could get a mattress in your car, easy." "I could easily get one." "I'm not sure about you." "Did you have that as an idea?" "He sort of did, yeah." "Come on, it's like camping, but it's not camping, because there's no tents." "No, you're right, it's a good idea, but don't do that, "Come on,"" "as if we're supposed to go, "Hammond, you're brilliant," ""you've redeemed yourself with quite a good idea." He hasn't." "And this is where you've brought me for breakfast." "No breakfast, then, obviously, because Christ The King, as it turns out, is shut." "Which means that Christ The King hasn't risen yet." "That's the problem." "Right, come on." "It's a plan, it's stuff to do." "'We split up, 'and set about getting the stuff we'd need to convert our cars.'" "The best hotel room I ever stayed in was in South Beach, in Miami, and what I'm going to try and do is replicate the decor there in the back of my Beemer." "Morning." "Morning." "Do you have any white cotton?" "And it's got a cockerel on it." "Yeah, I'll have one of them and the kettle." "Thank you." "Nails?" "Yeah." "Deal." "There we go." "And this is half inch?" "Perfect." "That's quite a lot, isn't it?" "That's more than I expected." "I didn't think it was this long, I'll be honest." "Erm..." "Sorry!" "Yes." "This kind of size, for me." "Small." "Standard size." ""5' 7" is enough." ""Well, 5' 7" and a half." "'With all our materials bought, we set to work.'" "This is epic!" "'And then met up to reveal our creations.'" "Gentlemen, behold the future of exploring." "I've given this some thought." "It'll be a mouse cage." "No." "Look!" "Wow!" "Let me talk you through it." "I'm just going to climb into the sitting area at the back, but it's not just a sitting area - note the footwell for the feet." "Where the spare wheel was?" "Yeah." "Where's that now?" "It's gone." "There's a bin in here." "But you can't fail to notice the kitchen." "Burners, gas, taps, running water, cold and cold." "Do these work?" "Yes, yes." "So you've got a gas bottle in here?" "Yes." "OK." "No, that's fine." "And a storage cupboard, full of useful things for me." "Along here, everything I need for cooking and eating." "And where do you sleep?" "There." "There's the bed." "You see?" "Let me get out." "Leopardskin sheets." "We are in Africa." "Come and have a look, see." "You can go in by the side entrance." "Question." "Yes?" "Our gift." "Well, there wasn't room for it." "Actually, that is now my upstairs sitting room." "Is it?" "Well, let's move on to have a look at May's car, shall we?" "You will see a gentleman explorer's quarters." "It's got a globe, it's got a telescope, it's got maps, it's got music." "It's a library, James." "Yeah." "Things you don't need when you're looking for the source of the Nile." "Number one, library." "Well, if you look carefully, you'll see some of the books are about exploring, plus there's a selection of English poets to read in bed." "Do any of the books contain the exact location of the true source of the Nile, in which case it's a rather wasted exercise anyway?" "No, but it's inspiration." "So there's a library in the front." "Yes." "And I'm guessing, in the back, some kind of dungeon." "Whoa!" "That's not a dungeon, is it?" "It's a living quarters combined with a workshop." "That's..." "I'm genuinely astonished." "Would you like me to run through what's in there?" "Not really." "May I just sneak in, do you mind?" "Yes." "That doesn't look terribly comfortable." "It's been good enough for the Army for several hundred years." "And this will just make you itch." "It's an itchy blanket." "It's designed to remind you how lucky you are." "So you can cook food for us, you can mend mechanical things that go wrong." "Keep us going." "What have you done?" "What have I done?" "Yes." "You might want to come and have a look." "I should warn you, there are two electronic things on this car." "The throttle, which is broken, and the electronic boot release, which is broken, so I've fitted a manual replacement." "And there you are." "What I've done is I've filled it with Egyptian cotton and duck down." "Erm..." "Is that a coffin?" "Yeah." "Who knew a coffin was dual purpose?" "But it is." "It could be used for bodies, or I've used it as a chest of drawers." "Washing things, clean clothes, dirty clothes and shoes." "Can I just say, it's all very nice, but you haven't considered your colleagues' needs." "Well, there are two features on this car that you might be interested in." "In the front, gentlemen, we find here, instead of a passenger seat..." "So you have thought of sustenance, a fridge." "That's good, that's good." "And it runs off the cigarette lighter in the car." "That's a tradable commodity you've got there." "It is, but something even more useful than beer." "No, actually, no." "Nearly as useful as beer is what I've fitted over here." "A shower." "And if we peel back the curtain..." "It's a complete bathroom in there." "Yeah." "So, you lower this window..." "It lowers it automatically?" "Hang on." "Yes, it does, but..." "It's not going." "There are three electrical components on this car, as it turns out." "I get it." "The window goes down, and that lowers the bog seat, is that right?" "Yes, exactly." "That's quite theatrical." "It doesn't work, but it's very..." "Well, the battery's somehow gone flat." "I suspect the fridge is drawing quite a lot of power." "Mmm." "Can I have a jump?" "No." "'With the BMW re-energised, we set off once more for the lakes.'" "'So, here we are now, Livingstone, Burton and Speke 'in full explorer mode.'" "James, with those modifications, will have added, got to be getting on for a tonne, which will have reduced his ground clearance from one inch to much less than one inch." "What an idiot." "I have made it quite heavy." "'Still, could be worse.'" "I've uncovered one design feature in here that I don't like." "The driver?" "No." "Every time I brake, my curtain closes." "Braking." "'Despite my terrible hardship, we carried on, 'and soon we turned off the road 'where the speed humps were frequent..." "'..and onto a road where they were continuous.'" "God!" "Nice." "Washboard gravel." "My favourite." "'Once again, though, the agri-yob was unfazed.'" "More like it." "Finally, I get to do some Subaru-ing." "Woo-hoo!" "Ha-ha-ha!" "Because we were now off the beaten track, we started to encounter more animals, but sadly, as we saw in Botswana, the Top Gear cameramen do struggle when they're not filming cars." "No, there!" "Did you see that, Hammond?" "It was a monkey." "Did you get it?" "Elephant!" "What elephant?" "Elephant on the right-hand side of the road." "This is strangely familiar, you telling me about animals that you've just seen that I haven't." "Ha-ha-ha!" "You evil sod!" "That reminds me of a television programme." "James, can you think what that television programme was?" "Shut up, shut up!" "Shut up, shut up, shut up!" "Was it Richard Hammond coming to you from a tent in the dark?" "Was it that one?" "Hammond, there was a little man, and he kept saying," ""I've had an amazing day, I've seen lots of animals,"" ""but sadly, this is live and it's dark now."" "Shut up!" "'Eventually, we arrived at Lake Edward.'" "Whoa, that's a beautiful lake." "'So beautiful, in fact, we decided to stop on its shoreline 'for a night in our new accommodation.'" "Right, let's pitch the tents." "Done." "Beer?" "It's already chilled." "That would be lovely." "I'll put dinner on." "God!" "What?" "My bed's gone out of alignment." "You've got problems." "There we go." "What's your problem?" "Nothing." "No, what's your problem?" "Nothing." "I think the chair, the fringe has just slightly..." "What is your problem?" "Dear!" "Is this every single thing?" "I'm just going to tidy up." "It's Hammond's kitchen nightmare." "'We sat and watched the sun go down," "'looking forward to Heston Hammond's delicious dinner.'" "I'm enjoying the bean course." "Yeah, good." "What's next?" "Beans." "Can you honestly not cook anything other than beans?" "No." "What's that?" "Fly paper." "Do you still not like insects?" "You know, they've got their place." "In the world, or something." "Is it in your car?" "No." "'Then, it was time for bed.'" "Nobody in the history of Africa has ever been more comfortable than this." "I'm under a layer of duck down and Egyptian cotton," "I'm watching Kristin Scott Thomas in a film where she's bound to do lesbionics at some point." "I've had some beans." "This is just heaven." "What's for breakfast?" "Beans." "'Today, our exploring would begin in earnest, 'but first, we had to mend Jeremy's car, again.'" "What you need under here is an M8 screw, and a home-made little clip made out of tin, which I've got in there." "Easy." "'While I was doing this," "'Jeremy had time to develop one of his theories.'" "Gentlemen, this is a map, OK, of what all these famous explorers told the Victorian English was Africa." "Now, look at the Sahara Desert." "Which is really tough and difficult, we've been there, it's horrible." "All done, every nook and cranny explored." "This is really tough." "Sudan, impossible." "Awful." "All done." "But, here, in this pleasant garden of Eden where we are now, unexplored territories." "What was holding them up?" "Here?" "Yes." "It's not mountainous, every tree has got food growing out of it." "It's a good point, when you think about it." "There's nothing here that would stop you." "Gentle wooded hills." "Temperature?" "Lovely." "Yet they kept coming out here and saying," ""Very difficult, I must go out there for five years."" ""I shall probably be lost."" "It all stinks a bit, doesn't it?" "Yeah." "So let's just work it out." "England, go home." ""Would you like to go to Mrs Simpson's piano recital"" ""this evening?"" "Or they come out here, dusky maidens, lovely temperature, very pleasant views, great food, get a tan." "Write home, tell them it's awful." "Yes, exactly." "Send a letter. "Dear Mrs Hammond."" ""It is with a heavy heart that I write to say"" ""we have not seen Richard for three years."" ""He's in the vice-like grip of, what's that name?" "Fever?"" ""I'll put that in." "Malaria, yeah."" "Basically, our conclusion is that Victorian explorers were just a bunch of hoorays on a very long gap year." "Yes." "Yes." "Is that right?" "Well-funded gap year here." "With all that cleared up, we set off to do exploring." "Our task was to scour the perimeter of Lake Edward to see if any of the rivers we crossed were flowing into it from the lake below." "If it turned out these lakes were joined, we would head south to find the true source of the River Nile." "Follow me." "River this way, gentlemen." "Right, this is actual off-road, and it's starting to rain." "That's more like it." "Feeling confident about your choices of car now, chaps?" "Are we moving, Hammond, or not?" "Yes." "The question is for how long, and James, you've gone very quiet." "Yeah, yeah." "This car is just masterful." "Whoa!" "'James's masterful Volvo was now minus its protective skid plate.'" "Dear." "Look, it's all under the car." ""They laboured for six long months to cut off the plastic spoiler."" "You do that, I'll go and write to your loved ones." "Would you, would you?" "Make it sound a bit better." "Put a lion in it, some fever." "Build it from there." "Exactly." "'With the Volvo mostly mended, we got back to exploring, 'and unlike the Victorian hoorays, we decided not to shilly-shally.'" "This is Top Gear exploring." "High-speed exploring!" "This is good." "We will cover some ground." "'In the racing Volvo, though, life was not so good.'" "This is going to be bad." "I'm going to have to stop for a minute." "'Our colleague was in considerable pain.'" "'So we left him behind.'" ""Dear Mrs May."" ""James has suffered a terrible back injury wrestling a lion."" ""He will be home, in maybe five years." "Please send money."" "River, Hammond, river." "Hello, exploring to be done!" "'We needed for it to be flowing north.'" "I've got 68 degrees east." "Yeah." "It's no good to us." "Here we go." "More exploring." "Yes, now I've got a siren." "It's going that way, east." "River." "That's the angle I want you to tell me." "East." "It's no good." "'When Captain Backache caught up...'" "Whoa!" "'We still hadn't found a river flowing in the right direction.'" "I think this is our final bridge." "I think it's the last river." "We don't need to throw a stick in that to see which way it is flowing, do we?" "Not really." "It is going that way." "Sort of southeast." "Southeast?" "Yeah." "'Our theory about the two lakes being connected was in tatters." "'Our expedition seemed to be at an end." "'So that night in camp, the mood was despondent." "'But then, while poring over the maps, I noticed something.'" "Wait a minute, wait a minute..." "Hammond!" "May!" "What?" "Come here, come here, come here." "You see it says here, "source du Nile"?" "Yes." "Source of the Nile." "That is Joanna Lumley's, and that is the furthest the water has to fall down a very wiggly river yes?" "Yes." "This one is in Burundi, this is the furthest the crow flies from the exit of the Nile." "OK?" "Yes." "Yes." "I believe they are both wrong." "Right." "Where is the exit of the Nile?" "Alexandria, which you can see on this." "There." "So their rivers flow through Lake Victoria and then go there to another sea, inland sea, effectively." "The Mediterranean isn't even tidal, just like Lake Victoria." "The actual exit of the Nile is Gibraltar, because that is where it goes into the ocean." "The ocean is here." "Their sources are both to the west of Lake Victoria." "I see what you mean." "We are looking for a river on the east side of Lake Victoria." "Do you see what I mean?" "Because it is further..." "It is further from Gibraltar." "And I have found it." "Gentleman, the actual source of the Nile is around there." "Southeast of Lake Victoria." "That is as far from Gibraltar as you can get." "You follow a river called the Grumeti, or it's a tributary of the Grumeti, which I have traced back." "I can't work out exactly where it is but it is about here." "That is the furthest as the crow flies and it is the furthest the water flows." "That is extremely good." "We are here, we have to get from where we are on completely the wrong side of Lake Victoria to the other side, that is going through Rwanda, Tanzania, to there." "It is such a long way." "It is a long way." "It's worth it though, isn't it?" "'The next morning, 'the Top Gear crew prepared for the long journey that lay ahead." "'Hammond, meanwhile, cooked breakfast.' Careless." "'And I fitted a new skid plate to protect the underside of my Volvo.'" "'Nobody is allowed to use my car as a lavatory any more.'" "You can hear my improvised guard working there, protecting my vital intercooler from mud and sharp points." "To be honest it is a bit of an improvisation, it's not the thickest steel there is." "You have to work with what you've got out in the bush." "I had a cold shower this morning, my penis was like a press stud." "Again." "Out into the wilderness, in my little mobile house." "Hello, chaps." "Are you both stuck?" "'Are you stuck, James?" "'" "'I have gone into a bit of a soft bit, are you stuck?" "'" "I tell you what, let's find out." "Come on!" "Ha-ha-ha!" "I've improved the style of the Subaru no end!" "I'm free as well." "Ha-ha-ha!" "Thank you, guys, that was a trap, wasn't it?" "A bit, yes." "You evil sods." "We pointed our cars at the border with Rwanda and set off on a 600-mile journey to what we now knew was the true source of the Nile." "I wonder if we are heading towards that massive rain cloud." "Yes, we are, aren't we?" ""Africa" by Toto." "As the miles rolled by, we started to climb into the mountains." "Wow, this is very, very pretty, here." "'But, we couldn't really admire the view, because the road was starting 'to be a bit of a test for two of the 1,500 quid second-hand cars.'" "My bash plate is earning its keep today." "Cock." "We are both in the same boat here, James and I." "It is called the HMS Careful." "Meanwhile, far ahead, my four-wheel-drive Subaru was scampering along." "Come on, come on!" "I am king of the forest." "Bloody hell, look at this one." "Come on, beemer!" "Come on!" "How is it doing this?" "Ooh..." "Absolutely no chance." "'Annoyingly, I had to ask the agri-yob to come back and help.'" "What is the expression about pig in..." "It's Hammond in mud?" "Yeah, it'll pull out." "Give him a tug." "I'm going to." "Did it hit you?" "Yes, it did What was that?" "It was a huge chunk of tree just bounced off..." "And smashed my windscreen." "Has it?" "Yeah." "We probably should get a move on." "I will back it up." "James, get your tow rope out." "Go, go, go." "'As I pulled James free...'" "Yes!" "Bloody brilliant, Hammond." "'.." "Some locals arrived and Jeremy decided 'to give them a quick lecture on his theories of off-road driving.'" "Now, I believe in speed." "Power." "Power and speed solves many things." "Right..." "James, how far?" "Middle of the puddle." "Speed and power!" "Go faster!" "Speed and power doesn't work." "It was doing quite well." "To be honest, I was surprised you got that far." "Do you think you could push it out?" "Yeah." "Yes?" "OK." "Which way...?" "I've got to get out of the way." "These guys are immensely strong." "Drive back, drive back." "OK." "Good going!" "There you go." "'Having freed Jeremy, the men started to build him a new road.'" "I wouldn't do that bare feet, I can't watch." "I am assuming he has never got it wrong because he still has an entire right foot." "OK." "Three, two, one!" "Yes!" "Well done, that was amazing." "Well done." "Thank you, guys, that is amazing." "'With my dues paid...'" "Thank you, thank you." "'.." "We were back on our way.'" "It is amazing, those guys actually turned out to be Ugandan army." "Up here training." "God, they are strong." "'We hoped that that would be the last of the mud, 'but as the day went on it got even worse.'" "No, I have no steering." "No, no, no!" "Go!" "Thank you." "It is beached." "Bloody hell." "Thank you." "Hit it." "Cock." "We are just going to blow the clutches to pieces." "Going to have to pull it out." "Go on, go on, go on, you son of a..." "Ha-ha-ha!" "That was so damn close." "'And then, to add to the misery, I discovered there had been treachery.'" "How long has that been there?" "Good grief!" "You must have..." "Hammond, I know what your panto face is." "Hammond, where is that?" "What are those really big things?" "They could rip steel." "I know exactly where it is." "I have no idea and you will never get it out of me." "May!" "Is that thing on the front of your car made out of my door?" "Is that my door?" "What?" "It is from my door, I know it is from my door." "You're not using that bit and it was more useful on my car." "You didn't even notice." "That's it, that's it." "Can you give me a tow?" "No!" "As evening drew in, conditions started to improve." "This is all feeling a bit Gorillas In The Mist." "It's a bit mystical." "It is kinda wonderful." "'Thanks to my door, the Volvo had survived the ordeal." "'But in the BMW, my throttle problem was even worse 'and my handbrake had broken.'" "Hammond, keep moving, I can't stop, I can't do hill starts any more." "Keep going." "This has to be one of the toughest days we have ever had on Top Gear." "There hasn't been a single moment when one of us wasn't stuck." "No car is built to survive conditions like this." "None." "Not one." "'And there were still more than 500 miles to go.'" "'As dawn broke, the peace and serenity of this beautiful" "'Ugandan morning was shattered by the bellow of a wild animal.'" "CLARKSON!" "Last night, while Hammond and May were round the campfire discussing Uganda, I made an interesting modification to my car." "Yesterday, I discovered hill starts were very difficult." "I can't ride the clutch because of the throttle problem and I can't use the handbrake because it's broken, so what I've done is fitted this log at the back." "You tow it along normally, but then when you want to start on a hill, you let the car roll back onto it, use it as a wedge and set off easily." "It's simple, it's elegant, it's brilliant." "'As we set off on our long drive, the mood was a little fractious.'" "If I know James May at all, and I'm sorry to have to say I do, he won't be so cross about the theft of part of his bonnet as he will be about the shoddiness of the execution of the theft." "It's not a neat job." "That will rankle." "Look at it!" "I mean, that looks like it was done with a knife and fork by the council." "It's not square, it's not neat, he's wasted material, he's left sharp edges, it's all bent." "I cannot conceive of the mind of a man who would look at that and think that was the right way to do it." "'I don't mind you taking a bit of my bonnet, that's fair." "'I do mind you doing such an appalling bloody job of it, 'you ham-fisted oaf!" "'" "Honestly, I could do a better job than that with the end of a bulldozer!" "Well, I..." "I couldn't find any tools." "'The back of the car is full of bloody tools!" "'The biggest tool in this operation was you!" "'" "A pair of tin snips looks like a pair of robust scissors and their function is obvious." "They are obviously not a hammer!" "This could go on." "'Obviously not a screwdriver!" "'They are obviously not a spanner!" "They are obviously designed...'" "There we go, that's got rid of him." "'Soon we came to an uphill stretch, 'so I decided to test my new handbrake.'" "Simply pop it off the back, roll it out." "Watch this." "Roll back." "The wooden handbrake is holding me, I simply set off." "Here we go." "Oh, yes!" "So there we are, hill starting solved!" "Sometimes my genius is..." "It's almost frightening!" "Well, fair dos, that works." "You do have to tow a log about, but it works." "I am a happy man today." "Chaps?" "Yes?" "Are we likely to see a gorilla?" "I hope we do see a gorilla." "I'd show them my bonnet and say," ""Could you do a better job than that?"" "But look on the bright side, James, it's going to be a scorcher today." "Oh, my God!" "Oh!" "Did that...?" "Oh, dear!" "The handbrake bounced up and has broken my hotel viewing platform." "You've got glass in your duvet!" "Stupidest idea in history!" "Jeremy, people walk around here barefoot." "You've got to sweep all this stuff." "We have." "But look" " God gave us a tool for just such a moment as this." "Would you not agree this is the ideal tool, James, for this job?" "Yes, hammers do have their uses." "I can think of one right now." "'After cleaning up my mess, 'we carried on through yet more breathtaking countryside.'" "Look at the state of that view." "Wait a minute." "Does the world get any prettier than this?" "'In fact the only blot on the landscape was our hideous" "'Ford Scorpio back-up car.'" "I've just realised I forgot to eat anything this morning." "I'm starving." "Well, Hammond made me a lovely plate of beans." "Beans?" "What sort of beans?" "Do you know, they were baked?" "!" "'Soon, the dirt track gave way to some perfect Chinese-built roads, 'a blessed relief for our battered cars." "'And after a simple 50-mile cruise, 'we reached the border.'" "Goodbye, Uganda, and thank you." "That was an education." "And now, Rwanda." "I don't know anything about Rwanda." "'As it turned out, James knew even less.'" "James?" "What?" "Apparently they drive on the other side of the road in Rwanda." "Do they really?" "James, really, we're not fooling you!" "Yeah, yeah." "'Mercifully, there was more Chinese tarmac, so we were able to surge 'through a country where, actually, none of us 'had really known what to expect.'" "In 1994, this country witnessed the worst genocide in the history of humankind." "A million people died in around about three months." "A million people in three months!" "With machetes and garden tools." "And that was only 18 years ago, and now look." "It's incredible how quickly things, on the surface at least... mend themselves." "Hello!" "Hello!" "Hello, hello!" "It's constant." "All the roads, even out here in the sticks, are just absolutely three-deep in people, and they all wave when you go by and you have to wave back." "Hello!" "Hello!" "Hello, hello." "Hello." "Hello." "Hello!" "Hello." "'After many more miles of waving, smooth tarmac 'and stunning scenery..." "'..we arrived on the other side of Rwanda at its border with Tanzania.'" "That was a long drive, but we've done it - all of Rwanda." "Now for an interminably long wait." "'The paperwork did indeed take an age, 'but, happily, Jeremy and I found a way to pass the time.'" "Funny!" "Ha-ha-ha!" "'And then, finally, we crossed over into Tanzania.'" "Shall we make camp here, gentlemen?" "It's been a long drive with a long border crossing of 900 hours." "'Despite the calm stillness of the evening," "'James plainly still had a bee in his bonnet about his bonnet.'" "This evening I am going to need... these." "And I'm going to need these and this." "And I'm going to need these tin snips, which are like scissors but much stronger." "I'm going to need those." "I'm going to need all these things for this evening." "Right, I'm up to 18 million pieces of glass." "Look in another fold, there you go - 18 million and two, three..." "Why do they call this stuff safety glass?" "I mean, it isn't!" "Why can't it just break into four pieces?" "Why does it have to break into 19 million pieces?" "And it goes everywhere!" "You could be in bed and it's outside your house and it goes in your pyjamas!" "18 million and ten." "No." "No." "No." "Yes." "No." "Good morning, viewers." "I'm afraid things may have got a little out of hand in camp last night, but it's good news!" "I found another piece of scrap metal and I managed to mend my bonnet!" "I'll admit, I was FURIOUS when James stole my bonnet scoop, but then on Jeremy's car, I found something that does the job just as well." "I'm calling it the poop scoop." "I was a bit cross about losing my lavatory, but then, staggeringly, in the middle of a remote field in Tanzania, I found a rear window that fitted into the back of my car!" "I mean, it looks like it's meant to be here!" "It's uncanny!" "'Unfortunately, the modifications to Hammond's now half-timbered Subaru 'seem to have impaired his visibility.'" "Oh!" "Oh, no!" "Bad!" "Anyway, we've woken up, slightly thick heads." "We're all mates again, which is just as well, because we've got an extremely long day..." "Oh." "That is a river." "Yes, it is." "Well, there must be a bridge somewhere." "Why MUST there be a bridge?" "Well, there must be!" "Well, there isn't!" "Look!" "Well, there isn't one THERE, but there'll be a bridge." "I know what." "It's time to deploy the ARU." "What?" "The ARU - Aerial Reconnaissance Unit." "I knew this sort of thing would happen." "Where did that come from?" "I've been working on it for the last couple of weeks at home for just such an eventuality." "Have you?" "Have you really?" "Did you build it?" "Yeah." "Really?" "Well, you've got a helicopter license." "You fly it." "Right." "I operate the camera underneath that swivels about and you tell us what it's seeing, James." "Right, are we ready?" "Yes, I've got a picture." "Hammond?" "Yes..." "Begin!" "Yes!" "There she goes!" "There you go." "That's good." "Right, that height is good." "Now head that way, down the river." "Point it down." "You're not pointing it at the river." "Point it down." "Well, you'll need to point it down." "No, you fly level, you point the camera down." "Yeah." "Got it." "River turns left..." "That's good." "There's no bridge, though." "Keep going." "Pivot right a bit." "Swivel left, camera." "Oh, hang on a minute." "What?" "There's like a big weir thing." "It's not a weir, James!" "That's the biggest waterfall I've ever seen!" "Right, that's relevant!" "Right, good." "No bridge." "'And it was the same story when we looked upstream.'" "Bring it back, Hammond." "'With the ARU back at base... '..we had to work out how we could cross this river 'that was full of killer waterfalls, bilharzia and many teeth.'" "Why don't we build... a car ferry?" "What, with like a bar and everything?" "No, no!" "Like that thing we saw in Albania!" "Like a raft?" "Why don't WE build one?" "Look, I used to build them when I was a kid!" "I fell in a lot, but..." "Wood..." "What else do you need?" "Rope." "Oil drums." "You need to lash the rope together." "Maybe some nails and a hammer." "Probably a hammer, yeah." "Oil drums, oil drums underneath." "This sounds like the worst management course ever!" "You know those Outward Bound courses where you've got a chicken and..." "OK, then." "Thanks to Hammond, it's back to the studio." "All we need is a platform big enough to take a car that will take its weight and floats." "Then we pull it across on ropes like the Albanian one." "We drove through a village, did we not, about... just behind those banana trees?" "Yes, but do you think they sell rafts for cars?" "They might sell car ferries." "No, but they've always got..." "Don't want a banana, don't want a headscarf, I'd like a car ferry." ""Oh, we've got one in the back, sir." Look, I'm going to divide this up." "I'm going to find some rope." "You go and find some oil drums." "You go..." "I'll get some wood." "And some wood." "Right, off you go." "Have you got the hammer and stake?" "Yeah." "Oh!" "Your rope's come off!" "You're getting nearer, James!" "I'm not!" "Oh." "Would you say you were nearer, James?" "No." "'With HMS Wobbly in the water," "'Hammond and May decided that my car should go first.'" "Good." "A tiny, tiny bit left." "Straight, that's good." "Hold on." "You need to go..." "Oh, BLEEP." "It's close." "Tiny bit right." "OK, your back wheels are on." "I am now boarding our ferry." "That's good. 'As I inched forwards, a hungry audience gathered.'" "You'll feel when you're on cos you'll hit the chock." "Two and a half feet." "Feet?" "!" "Yeah." "Good, a bit more." "You're just about to..." "There you go, you're on!" "Put it in gear and turn off." "These have got to come with us for the other side." "'With the ramps on board, we set off.'" "Whoa!" "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." "What did you just do?" "Cast off." "Are we now underway?" "Yes." "Pull on the rope." "I am." "I'm Geoff Capes!" "I am pulling a BMW 528i Touring across a crocodile-infested river!" "And the impressive thing is, you're not making a fuss about it either." "No, I'm not showing off, but I am..." "James, wait!" "James, James, James!" "What?" "It doesn't make any difference." "Stay at the back!" "James, please stay at the back!" "Stop being such an old woman - it doesn't make any difference!" "Oh, really?" "So that barrel's just come back above the water again..." "But it's not going to go all the way down, is it?" "I feel like an explorer now." "Right..." "So if I get on the bank and James throws me a yellow rope..." "Good idea." "Can you get on the bank from there?" "These logs get really slippery!" "Yes." "Right, you're on the bank..." "Good catch!" "The throw wasn't brilliant." "I'll go to the back." "Whey!" "Well..." "People are now turning over to watch Red Or Black?" "or something." "I'm sorry we made it." "Nobody was expecting that." "Got it?" "'Mind you, there was still the small matter of disembarking.'" "Uh... not convinced." "Yes!" "Well, you're NEARLY ashore." "Aren't I ashore?" "Not entirely ashore, no." "Yes, I'm ashore." "Is that wheel ashore?" "Yes." "'We weren't convinced, 'so we gave him a helping hand.'" "Here we go!" "Yes!" "Feeling good." "Oh, yes, oh, yes!" "God, I'm a good driver." "Oh, God." "'Back on the other bank, 'it was Hammond's turn, and for some reason, 'he decided to make life difficult for himself.'" "Why are you BACKING on?" "Because it is quite difficult getting off at the other side, yeah?" "Yeah." "And your BMW is now there so it could tow me off." "The only towing eye is at the back." "It does mean I'll have to reverse on." "Hold on, hold on!" "Does that look right from there?" "What...?" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Stop!" "Stop!" "You're turning the wheel." "I did NOT turn the wheel." "You turned it minutely." "I might have leant on it." "Oh!" "You're miles off the end." "A little more." "And... stop." "Oh!" "I am SO on board!" "James, you can pull this time, you'll see how easy it is!" "I shall be ballast, there." "That's the ticket!" "Not all at the same time." "You can't come on this side." "I can't go on the other side." "Look at the angle." "Gentlemen..." "Climb through the car." "It is impossible to stand there because there are two ramps piled on top of one another." "Hammond, get in your sitting room!" "I can't." "Get in your sitting room!" "No!" "You need to be on the other side." "Climb over the bloody car." "You've got heavier..." "Oh!" "That was tied on!" "No, I took the rope off." "We needed the rope." "I took it off." "I CAN go on the other side... as it turns out." "Perfect." "Let's go." "Forget the chair." "Are we there yet?" "Somebody's had me chair!" "That man's got your chair!" "Good for him." "Enjoy it!" "Ooh, ah!" "'On the other side, I was determined to make a better job of disembarking 'than Jeremy had.'" "Power." "Hoo!" "Some of you's on board." "Whoa, we got a problem." "That's all completely hopeless and you've sunk the raft and your catflap's terrible." "GO!" "'I then pulled Hammond off...'" "Ya-hey!" "'.." "And that gave me an idea.'" "Why don't we use this to pull the ferry across with the Volvo on it?" "Why would we not do that?" "'Rather sceptically, Hammond and I went back to get my Volvo.'" "Crack on." "Our father, who art in heaven, if you're there, make it go upside down, please." "Steady!" "Wooh!" "Ooh!" "That looked a bit perilous." "Shall I come back?" "Just a tiny bit." "Wah-duh...!" "Stop making squeaking noises." "The thing is, the BMW has a 50-50 weight distribution." "50% over the front axle, 50% over the back, which is why the raft was level." "With James' car, 70% of the weight is over the front axle." "That's why the whole thing is tipping down." "Are we attached?" "Yes." "Jeremy, we have begun!" "Right, so I pull you across the river." "Yeah, gently." "Very, very slowly indeed!" "If it goes under, it'll probably go nose-in, won't it?" "Yeah, I'll stand at the back." "Are you ready?" "He's going already, hang on." "This is Captain Hammond ringing down to the engine room." "You have the slacks." "That's plenty fast enough!" "Yes, gently." "Seriously, Jeremy." "We are going under." "That's too fast, too fast!" "Oh, yes!" "Oh, yes!" "Gently, gently - seriously!" "We're going in." "STOP!" "Jeremy, absolutely stop or you'll have deaths on your hands." "I've been shouted at so much." "Need a zesty drink." "'Eventually, our third and final car was ready to go ashore.'" "Forward." "Oh, my Gawd!" "Well, credit where it's due." "Come on!" "You have to admit that is quite a finish, with a flourish!" "'It had been a fraught undertaking, but the fact was that, 'against the odds, 'all three of our cars were on the other side of the river.'" "That's the first time, I think, in ten years, we've ever done anything ambitious and successful." "I think you're right." "And doesn't it feel good?" "It feels weird, frankly." "Normally there's one of us in the water, in the jaws of a lion, going, "Oh, he's dead!"" "It was genuinely peculiar." "Oh, my God!" "Oh!" "It's gone!" "It's completely gone!" "It's completely sunk!" "Well done!" "You can see how difficult OUR job is." "That's how deep it was!" "That could have happened to us." "It could have done..." "but it didn't!" "Onwards." "'Leaving the producers to clear up their mess, 'we set off." "'And soon discovered that Tanzania's roads were not 'built by the Chinese.'" "Pothole, pothole, pothole, pothole." "BIG one." "It is like driving through a minefield." "If you take your eye off the road for a second, you are into one and they are massive." "I don't know how James will cope with this, because you can only concentrate on one thing at a time and when he's driving that is normally an obscure poet." ""Oh, yes, Philip Larkin's done some very good... oh, no," ""I've hit a pothole."" "'Soon James hit a pothole...'" "No!" "'.." "So hard, it took out two of his tyres.'" "Erm... d'you remember... it seems like months ago, but at the beginning of this voyage, we looked at these tyres and said," ""There's no way those tyres'll survive Africa?"" "The signs are not good, are they?" "In that they're not." "It's goodbye." "You just wait here for the backup car." "You know the code." "Oh, no, the backup car's at the bottom of a crocodile-infested river." "I don't need the backup car, I have spare wheels." "You're not very helpful or useful to me." "I'll see you later." "See you, James." "Bye." "Bye!" "'Once the Annoying Brothers had left," "'I discovered it was rather more than just tyre damage.'" "Ho-ho-ho!" "'Both wheels had shattered!" "'Having raided the support truck for more," "'I set off and caught up with the others 'in a swarm of lake flies.'" "'This told us we were getting close to Lake Victoria." "'At 150 miles across, it was too wide for us to even think about building a homemade ferry." "'So we decided to use one someone else had made earlier.'" "Have you ever seen more flies than that in one place ever?" "Oh, oh, oh!" "I'll give you a million pounds if you go and stand there naked for an hour." "'The voyage across Lake Victoria took more than '16 hours, but there was good news on the other side." "'The ferry would drop us close to the River Grumeti, 'the river that WE believed would take us 'to the source of the Nile.'" "We're going to find the mouth of the river, track that back to its source, and we've done it." "30 seconds..." "'Keen to demonstrate the advantage of four-wheel drive 'to the bewildered crowd," "'Hammond insisted on going first.'" "Right, here we go." "OK." "I am ashore!" "'You're letting yourself down, the BBC,' and the whole country with your incompetence, Hammond." "Oh, come on!" "Sorry about that, Skipper!" "Leave him." "We can leave him." "'And so... 'we did.'" "Bye, Hammond!" "Bye!" "Hello." "Hello." "'As we disembarked a few miles away on a proper landing jetty," "'Hammond was being rescued by the locals.'" "We're coming out!" "Everybody needs money now and I don't have any money." "Erm..." "I've got biscuits." "More biscuits, more sweets." "One second." "OK, this is becoming alarming." "Erm..." "I've got crisps." "'With my lunch all gone, I rejoined my colleagues.'" "With hindsight, offering up biscuits was a mistake." "Yes, when you have 40 mouths to feed, unless you're Jesus, starting with two biscuits isn't brilliant." "Well, that arrival was very happy and glorious and we're excellent ambassadors for Britain and her long tradition of exploration." "In other news," "I've fitted a fan." "'We then broke out the map and went off to find the mouth of our river." "'The beautiful and majestic Grumeti.'" "In my mind, it was prettier." "Yes." "This is quiet, though." "It's not quiet." "I admit, it's not picturesque and it's not peaceful, but if we find the source of this..." "We've done it." "You can't argue, we're in the history books." "It flows through Lake Victoria, into the Nile, along the Nile, through the Med and into the Atlantic." "And as far as I can work out, it's there." "That's about 70 miles." "We only have 70 miles to do." "The good news is, look, some of it, you can follow the river on that road." "But that bit, the last bit, it's off-road." "Yeah." "Look, there's no tracks or anything." "Well..." "So, that's it." "It can only get prettier." "'And it did, because soon we were in the Serengeti." "'A vast plain teaming with animals, all of which, as usual, 'were way beyond the reach of our camera teams.'" "Wildebeest!" "Wildebeest!" "A zebra." "I've seen more already here on the Serengeti than I saw in Sir Richard Hammondborough's" "Planet Earth Live programme." "'Why didn't you show us all of these animals, Hammond, 'on your Planet Earth Live programme?" "'There's millions of them we could have looked at!" "'" "Shut up!" "'Soon, we stopped to check on the course of our "beautiful" river." "'And here we saw the most amazing wildlife yet.'" "They are the funniest creatures on earth, aren't they?" "Why are they so funny?" "This one's been to the Daktari shop in Florida, hasn't he, for his outfit?" "Every single piece of kit, he's got the lot." "I don't know why, but American tourists - and I know we're watched in America, I'm not saying you're all like this, but when you travel, you're hysterical." "'Sadly, the Americans departed, leaving us with nothing to look at 'except some hippos." "'So we got back on the road for the last few miles 'of our epic journey.'" "I'm going to put my hand on my heart and say this is the best Top Gear adventure we've ever had." "It's a noble quest in a truly stunningly beautiful country full of utterly hospitable people." "'And then, of course, there were our cars." "'A trio of 1,500-quid high-milers." "'All had been presumably sold 'because their owners thought they were on their last legs, 'but they'd come here and taken on the worst 'that Africa could throw at them, and they'd survived." "'But which had been the most impressive?" "'Well, at the next river check, we had a chat about that.'" "Normally we pick one car that's best." "Mm." "I think on this occasion," "I can't be convinced mine isn't the best," "But I'm sure you're in the same..." "I wouldn't allow anybody to convince me mine isn't the best." "So, in other words, let's, on this occasion, just agree to disagree and say they're all the best." "Yes." "Like one of those primary school sports days." "Yes." "Everybody gets a prize." "You've all won." "There are no losers at St Barnabas'." "Let's go with that, they are all the best." "That's fair." "They've all done well together." "Let us now find the source of this disgusting, scummy river." "OK." "Rubbish!" "If this WERE a school sports day, here's how it's worked out." "Everyone's got all excited because the BMW, the fat kid, and the Volvo, the geeky, specky, nerdy kid, have finished the cross-country course." ""Oh, well done, we're so amazed you did it!"" "But let's not forget the fact that the genuinely sporty kid, the Subaru, who's actually good at this stuff, also finished and finished well." "Because it's the best." "Fact." "Ten minutes after this show's finished, you won't be able to describe what Jeremy was driving, but you'll be able to describe this... because it's got personality, character, something about it." "I'm going to miss it." "Now we're alone, viewers, I can tell you that the Volvo is the best car here." "Because, let's not forget, this is a family estate." "It's a family estate pretending to be a BTCC racing car." "So it's compromised, as well." "It shouldn't be here, it shouldn't have got this far, but it is and it has, and that's why I love it!" "It has the biggest heart." "How can May possibly say that his Volvo's better than this?" "It's been like a seal on the entire journey, endlessly dragging its stomach along the floor." "And it broke his back." "He'd have been better off doing this journey on a space hopper." "Then we have Hammond's "Tubaru,"" "which is as needlessly complicated as those idiotic trousers he insists on wearing with all their special pockets and clips for mossie spray and a hunting knife with a special compass." "What's the point?" "I've done the entire journey in a pair of jeans and a t-shirt." "And that's what the 5 Series is, it's the familiarity of home... here." "You're a car, you're a sitting-room, you're a bedroom, you're a fridge, you're a power station that charges up my phone every night, but most of all what you are, what you've become " "is a mate." "And that is what makes a car special." "That's what makes a car great." "You start to think of it as a person." "You start to love it." "'What our cars deserved now was a relaxing cruise to the finish." "'But that wasn't going to happen.'" "Aaaagh!" "Aaaagh!" "No!" "Whoa!" "Geez!" "'The road was a rutted nightmare, 'and it was peppered with sharp stones." "'It was a car killer.'" "This is absolute puncture alley, this." "Bloody Nora!" "What the BLEEP was that?" "Now, Jez has stopped at the side of the road, hang on, something is up." "Jezza's been hit, I think, probably by a stone into his window." "Stone in through your window?" "Something has just blown up in there." "What the BLEEP was it?" "That..." "Is it an airbag?" "The airbag has gone off." "Look, the smoke's still pouring out of it." "Is that the airbag?" "Yes, the airbag just went off." "There was a massive flash..." "That is really weird!" "My ear." "I was saying this road is so rough it's going to set the airbags off, I said that just a few miles back." "Well, I have never seen that." "No, me neither." "Phwoar!" "Now I'm worried about this one." "'By now we'd had enough and wanted to stop for the night, 'but this was dusk on the Serengeti." "'Feeding time for the wildlife." "'So we had to reach a safe camp that was 30 miles away - '30 miles that turned into a massacre.'" "Oh, dear." "Shot to bits." "Have you got any more fronts?" "Yes, I've got one more." "That was new three minutes ago." "Three minutes later I've got a flat on the front." "We've lost another one." "This road is beyond belief for killing cars." "'It was inevitable, really, that eventually one of us 'would suffer some damage that was slightly more serious 'than a puncture.'" "Oh, my God." "You are in big trouble." "That one is straight, and if you come around the other side, that's on full-left." "You've broken a track rod steering..." "Oh, my God." "You can see the wishbone... there." "If you look in there you'll see the end of it, where it's... gone." "Is it sheared?" "Yes." "It is completely sheared off." "That might have killed my car." "What's up?" "He's got a puncture." "He's also got a sheared wishbone." "You're kidding." "I'm not." "That's a game over, isn't it?" "'The next morning, in our safe camp, 'we counted up the toll from Death Road.'" "I had three punctures, one of which I have still got." "Two airbags went off, both of which deafened me and gave me heart attacks." "What else - oh, all four shock absorbers are completely ruined." "Yours any better?" "Well, I had two punctures, the fuel line came off, the front bumper collapsed," "I am not even bothering to look at my shocks, because I know they were absolutely shot, shot absorbers, but on the plus side, all the bits that attach the wheels to the car are intact." "Speaking of which... actually, where is he?" "These are the remnants of the point at which the track control arm went, and you can see it was just rotten from the inside out." "It was going to go at some point, and when it did collapse, it took the anti-roll bar out on the way past." "So, the only option is, and it is quite a long shot - this is all useless - is to use the remainder of the track control arm that's under there attached to the hub, and use this to fabricate and weld on replacement bits for that." "'At times like this, the procedure is clear." "'We do leave a man behind." "'But, because we'd come so far together, and because 'we hadn't had breakfast yet, James and I decided to bend the rules.'" "We'll give him till 11 o'clock." "Fair enough." "That's an hour and ten minutes." "Fair enough." "What time did we get in last night, about two?" "Something like that, it went on for ever." "Look at what I just slept in, look at it!" "I mean look at the..." "Thank you!" "'At exactly three minutes past 11," "'James and I were parked on the main road by the camp, waiting to see 'whether we would finish this journey as a twosome, 'or a threesome.'" "Hammond is making a bit of a habit of this on these adventures, now." "Bolivia, his leg fell off." "Oliver." "Oliver?" "Didn't it make it?" "Can't remember." "It did, but we had to wait for it..." "Oh, yes, for days and days." "While he put it back together." "Oh, hang on!" "Do you hear that?" "I can, just." "Is that soundtrack of an approaching moron, or is it our support truck?" "With his silly little face at the wheel." "What is coming over the hill?" "Please let it be a lorry, please let it be a lorry." "Oh!" "We can't be..." "No." "Pretend to be pleased, pretend to be pleased!" "Pleased face!" "Oh, great, we're all back together as a team, oh, right, good, here we go." "Well done, mate." "Yes, well done!" "Ha-ha-ha!" "Are you impressed?" "Yes." "We're impressed that you're impressed." "That's nice." "That looks tremendous." "Anyway, Hammond, while you've been gone," "James and I have made a bit of a decision." "What?" "The source of our river is somewhere up there, OK?" "Now, only one of us can technically get there first - they'll be the one who's remembered, the other two will be forgotten, because nobody remembers who comes second." "So, we propose a race." "Yes." "Three, two, one - go!" "And whoever finds the source first - into the history books, buried in Westminster Abbey." "They dig up Livingstone, throw him away," ""You got it wrong..."" "You don't have to be buried immediately?" "No, no, when you die." "So, are we ready?" "The producers are on the other side of that river." "You can shout "Go!" I'll do it on my tannoy system." "Are we ready, gentlemen?" "I am ready." "This is for everything." "The greatest race in the history of mankind is about to begin." "Three, two, one" " GO!" "Power, etc." "Where is Jeremy?" "What was he doing?" "Have they learned nothing from last night?" "Because I did!" "Speed causes punctures." "17 miles an hour, that's what you need." "I don't want a puncture, I want to win this, because this is a race for glory." "The winner will go in the history books, the losers will be quietly forgotten, and they will end up opening a shoe shop, probably, in Durham." "'Top Gear's ARU had found an area of hilly terrain 12 miles to 'the east, where we believed we would find the source of the Nile." "'Getting there first mattered.'" "Richard Hammond hot on my tail, in the quest for the source of the Nile, with his repaired suspension." "This is as fast as I dare go." "Ooooh!" "Ow!" "The car has just undergone major surgery, I have just closed the patient's chest, and I'm forcing him to play rugby." "If Richard Hammond beats me in this race, he will be knighted by the Queen." "She will say, "Arise, Sir Richard."" "Oh, you already have." "Where the hell is Jeremy?" "This James May-Christian motoring isn't working, they're not getting punctures." "I'm going to revert to type." "POWER!" "I am a one-man dust machine." "Hammond is going for it, he's making a move!" "Ha-ha-ha!" "'For the next few miles, we jostled for the lead.'" "Urgh, it's neck and neck." "Oh, no!" "I'm going left, I'm going to do it." "Ooooh!" "Ha-ha-ha!" "Ooh!" "Agh!" "This!" "There they are, I'm catching." "A warning light has come on to say my car needs a service." "Oooh!" "Oooh!" "This is just... killing my car." "'We were now in the area where the source should be, 'so we needed to go off-road to find it.'" "We're going to have to go right somewhere." "Oh, hold on, hold on, what's this?" "There!" "Come on!" "Bugger Clarkson!" "Yeaaah!" "What do you think of that?" "Ha-ha!" "Westminster Abbey is mine." "'As the plain opened out, we realised that in normal racing, 'people tend to know where the finish line is.'" "Which way, which way?" "'But we had to rely on intelligence and cunning.'" "Right, trees, trees all growing along a little valley, that can only mean river." "That is a valley, I'm not heading down into there, the source of the Nile isn't going to be in a valley." "Ah-ha!" "Uphill, you see." "Uphill is good." "I've totally lost my bearings here, totally lost." "Hang on a minute!" "Oh!" "This looks..." "This looks like a stream." "It's going downhill that way." "So I follow it up... and the source is in those rocks." "It has to be." "Oh, yeah!" "Rocks." "Many rocks." "That is the sort of magical place" "I anticipate finding the source of the Nile." "There's a bit there moving, so it's that way." "Right, here we go." "It's got to be this way, and Clarkson clearly has the same idea." "'And so did Hammond.'" "Ow, ow!" "Can you imagine children of the future learning in history lessons about Sir Richard Hammond?" "Nobody wants to think of that." "'Because only one of us could achieve 'immortality in the history books, things soon got a bit ugly.'" "Hammond's attacking him!" "Get off!" "Ha-ha-ha!" "I'm through." "Hammond is properly in my way now, he really is annoying me." "I know how I can get Hammond out of the way..." "Oh, God!" "Not that!" "I'm Genesis-ing him!" "Aaaagh!" "'Sadly, though, Genesis didn't work." "'So I rammed him.'" "What?" "!" "I'm in the lead again!" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "This Volvo is so far out of its comfort zone." "I'm going to go down in history!" "Everything tells me this is... it's the highest ground for miles around - it's got to be in there, it's got to be in there." "Aaaaagh!" "But there can be no more than a few hundred metres now, we can afford to take a few knocks." "Whoa!" "James, your suspension has collapsed." "Your back wheel is coming off, I'm not joking." "Ha-ha-ha!" "My car has collapsed." "I'm going on foot." "'As now were Richard and I.'" "End of the road for you, old friend." "I'll tell you what it's like." "I'm off." "It's geology, Jeremy, geology." "What have we got here?" "We've got bedrock, the ground is sunk down, indicating the presence of a spring, in my mind." "Lizards." "Look at it." "A stream has done this." "But where is the source?" "This has been wet." "Wait..." "This is soggy." "This is soggy." "This could be a stream." "It is a stream I'm walking up, it is." "BLEEP Hammond is not having this!" "It goes downhill, that doesn't mean it starts at the top." "Wait!" "Wait!" "Is it?" "No." "Here?" "That..." "Yes." "Yes!" "Sorry, mate!" "That was close." "Hammond!" "Well done." "That is the source of the River Nile." "I'm going to put my finger in it, excuse me." "That is the root of civilisation, that nourished the ancient Egyptians." "What, your finger?" "No, not my finger, the water." "That's going to nourish the Sudan, Egypt, Greece, Italy, Spain." "Morocco, Algeria." "That water is the lifeblood of all of it." "So, that is the undisputed source of the River Nile, that is the man who found it, and somewhere way down there is the ruined Volvo that brought him here." "We now have to claim this little pond for Top Gear, so, just bear with me, while I..." "Is the Top Gear flag slightly bigger than the Union Flag?" "Yes, that's right." "Have we got this the right way up this time, so we don't get..." "So, here's what I'm suggesting, chaps - we plant the flags, and then we do what all great Victorian explorers did, pose for a photograph by our discovery." "Wait for the birdie!" "Three, two, one!" "Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells - font"