"I know right" "Thank you guys so great to be here in Chicago" "I love this city." "I like Chicago." "I respect Chicago." "You know What I mean" "If i smoke a cigarette in Chicago I am very polite" "I'll put it out in an ashtray or a garbage can" "As far as back in L.A I'd do what I'd normally do and just" "Flick it at a kid" "I really do love this town" "I actually once went on a date with a girl from Chicago" "This was like ten years ago." "Back before even I was a comedian yet" "Back then I was just a regular old piece of shit like you guys." "But I'll never forget this date" "We meet up in a bar We started drinking, We started talking, We are laughing" "Together." "We are connecting It was great" "But then we leave the bar we go back to her place" "And as soon as walked in the front door She passes out cold on her couch" "Now..." "I went to college" "I knew I had a million options" "But I'm a gentleman" "So I did the smart thing" "I just got a blanket, I tucked her in I left her a note, That said:" ""You got raped."" ""Thank You."" "I feel like it's very important Very Important" "To open up my show with a rape joke" "Just to see what kind of crowd I'm dealing with here" "You guys are gonna be great" "But if you were upset, or if you were offended in anyway" "Please don't worry" "I have only got two more rape jokes" "And I wait about 15 minutes" "But don't think I'm a bad person for making that joke" "Don't think I'm a bad guy for saying that." "No" "I'm a good guy like" "I would never hit a woman" "I would never hit a woman" "Even If she had a knife or..." "A stutter" "That's not how I do business" "In fact, I might be one of the greatest guys of all time" "Like I have got a kid in Africa Yeah." "I have got a kid in Africa that I feed," "That I clothe, That I school That I inoculate" "For 75 cents a day" "Which is practically nothing" "Compared to.." "What it cost to send him there" "You guys are.." "You guys are doing great so far" "I love performing in Chicago" "The only weird thing about performing in Chicago for me is" "After all my shows every body just wants to do drugs with me" "They are like: "Anthony that was hilarious I got a joint on me let's go smoke it"" ""Hey Jeselnik amazing job as usual"" ""I have got mushrooms in my backpack let's eat em"" "And I have got to keep telling them the same thing I'm gonna tell you guys right now" ""Hey, Assholes I'm fucking famous." "Give it to me."" "I think my friend Jeff is gay" "I don't know" "I'm so bad with names" "Smart crowd" "When I was a kid" "My friends and I got arrested for vandalising a graveyard 10 thousand dollars in damages" "But we had a great lawyer" "Who knocked it down to criminal trespassing" "And necrophilia." "I make a lot of jokes about death" "I think it's hilarious" "My whole family is like that actually" "This is how hard I'm fucking killing" "My whole family is like that Kind of you know..." "In fact well before I was even born My great grand mother" "Threw herself in front of a bus" "Police tried to say she was committing suicide but the family knew" "That she was just" "Trying to stop Civil Rights" "Yesterday I accidentally" "Hit a little kid with my car" "It wasn't serious" "Nobody saw me.." "My little sister had a baby recently You know, Little new born" "Kid is so cute.." "But she won't let me hold him" "She refuses." "Says:" ""No way Anthony" "I'm afraid you gonna drop him"" "Like I'm some kind of idiot" "Like I don't have a million other ways" "To hurt that baby" "I'll get it done" "And people get weird when kids die" "No that's a fact" "Like about a month ago" "Some kids in my neighbourhood were playing Hide and Seek" "And one of them ended up in an abandoned refrigerator" "It's only anybody talked about for weeks" "I said: "Who cares.." ""How may kids you know" "Get to die a winner."" "I assume you guys all knew who you are coming to see tonight" "But if you didn't You sure as shit know now" "Like, One thing I never understood is like the foot fetish" "Are you guys together right here?" "Yes." "How long you guys been together?" "5 Years." "Wow" "Do you ever suck on her feet?" "No?" "Would you if you had a different girlfriend?" "Or you are like across the board: "No Feet" ?" "You don't really mind it" "You just don't do it with her because you have mistresses" "Cos, I am across the board No Feet." "I once went on a date with a girl we went hiking" "Her idea" "And while we were hiking she gets bit" "By a snake in between two toes" "And I had to suck out the poison" "So she is dead" "What's your name?" "Where you from Bridget?" "The suburbs?" "That sure narrows it down" "What do you do?" "What you do when you are not being so fucking boring" "Take your time I'm really funny." "You are a full time student." "OK." "What do you study?" "Psychology Where do you go to school?" "Rockford College?" "So you are not gonna be a good psychologist" "Last question though" "Have you ever been on a blind date before?" "You ever did that?" "No?" "You lucky." "I went on a blind date once just once" "And I will never do it again" "It was the biggest disaster of all time" "She ended up being a burn victim" "By the end of the night.." "I mean it was like the worst.." "I have spent the past two years" "Looking for my ex girlfriend's killer" "But no one will do it" "My ex girlfriend owned a Parakeet" "Did you guys hear what I just said?" "She owned a Parakeet" "OMG." "That fucking thing never shut up" "But the bird was cool" "My ex girlfriend had like a lot of like really annoying habits" "I think the worst was she liked to read the women magazines" "Like Cosmo or..." "Well, Things like Cosmo" "And she would flip straight to relationship quiz" "Not only would she present that to me as it was like a fun activity for us to do together" "Even though every question is designed to fuck my entire world up" "But even worse like she would get mad at my answers" "And make me change them" "So we get the best score" "Like I will never forget the last time we played that game" "She was: "Anthony, If you had lunch with anyone in the world" "Living or dead, Who would it be?"" "I said:" ""I don't know, Caligula"" "She goes: "Really Caligula?"" "That's your answer." "That's what you gonna say to me?" "Your girlfriend." "Are you sure?" "I said: "Oh I'm sorry baby.." ""Lemme change that" ""I'd have lunch with you" "And you would be dead."" "Yeah.." "We were not together any more" "She has got a new boyfriend now" "They just moved in together" "And I have heard rumours that he is abusive" "Which makes me wanna go over there with a baseball bat" "And then blame it on her boyfriend" "But I don't wanna sound like a misogynist up here" "My ex girlfriend wasn't like a bad person really." "She wasn't a bad girl at all" "But she was terrible in bed" "Terrible in bed." "I mean she would just lie there" "Screaming: "Nooooooo"" "That was rape joke number 2 baby doll" "Yeah, Clap it up" "My girlfriend now is great My girlfriend now is almost perfect" "And she hates that I tell rape jokes." "Hates it" "Says: "Anthony, How can you make light of something" "As terrible as rape, After I told you that I got raped in high school"" "And I said baby because" "I don't believe you" "My girlfriend and I argue a lot" "It's mostly her arguing with me kind of thing.Like I should just keep my mouth shut" "Because fight we get into is my fault" "I should just keep my mouth shut" "But I can't." "Because I'm so fucking funny" "Like a couple of nights ago we go to a party" "And we get trashed Completely wasted." "Wake up in bed" "The next morning Completely hung over" "And I know I should just keep my mouth shut" "But instead I roll over and I say: "Listen baby don't get mad" "But I think your mom tried to have sex with me last night"" "And she hit the roof She goes:" "Anthony That's impossible"" "And I said:" ""Oh well in that case.." "You should always wear make up"" "I love that joke so much" "Here is why" "Did you guys hear like the sounds you've made?" "Like that was the worst thing that I have said tonight" "I have told three rape jokes" "I like to play pranks on my girlfriend you know" "Keep things fresh for me Make me laugh." "She hates it" "But like the other night I put Saran wrap over the toilet seat" "Which doesn't sound that original" "But she is bulimic" "I like that you laugh until I look at you and then you stop laughing" "Cos you don't wanna give me the satisfaction" "It's great." "You seem like a cool girl" "In a completely different environment" "But we it work you know" "How long have you guys been together?" "right here.." "3 years." "OK." "What would you say is like a secret is like good long relationship?" "Communication." "WRONG!" "The secret is trying new things together" "Specially in the bed room" "Like the other night My girlfriend and I are in bed together She says: "Anthony.." "I want you to pee on me."" "Now I have never thought about peeing on a woman in my entire life" "Never even imagined it before" "But then I got the green light" "And apparently it's my thing" "Like I just jumped up right away" "But as soon as I began She starts screaming at me" "Like it's my fault she talks in her sleep" "My girlfriend yells at me all the time She yells at me all the time" "And again I'm a gentleman" "I never think it's OK to yell back at a woman no matter what" "When you saw how I handled that shit." "Right?" "I never think it's OK to yell back at a woman" "But the other night She yelled at me for so long" "And so loud that the cops came to the door" "Which is embarrassing" "Because now I have got to answer my own door and say:" ""Officers, I'm so sorry." "There is no reason for you to be here tonight" "I already tased her."" "I have got this friend named Kevin" "I call him a friend more than acquaintance really, you know" "One of those people who think they are way better friends with you" "Than they actually are" "Like the other day Kevin says to me:" ""Hey Man, you know what I like to do when I'm all by" "Myself and no one is around?"" "Before I can say:" ""Hey we are not really friends" "He says:" ""I like to take peanut butter" ""And smear it all over myself" "And then let my dog lick it off"" "I said: "Dude you have got to get yourself a girlfriend" "I'll trade you mine for that dog"" "You guys are fantastic" "It's a great.. relax" "I love, I really love performing at this place" "You know, It's a great place to perform And I would know" "I perform all over the world" "Clubs, Theatres, Colleges, Festivals." "College is a great." "Cos it's just me talking to like 18 and 22 years old" "Which is ideal" "And they teach me things all the time you know like" "I was at a college recently and they taught me the term" "Have you guys ever heard the term "Butter Face" before?" "It's been around for a long time If you haven't heard the term" "Butter Face is like a girl who has got a really hot body" "But Her Face You know" "But her face is all fucked up" "Now I heard that I thought that was pretty mean." "You know" "I have never dated a Butter face before" "But i did once date a Monkey Face" "Have you guys ever heard of that?" "It's different.." "A Monkey Face is like a girl who has got like a face" "Like a total monkey" "But the rest of her.." "Isn't that hot.." "She was one in a million" "I would give anything to go back and" "Pee on her" "I like telling that joke a lot because people think I'm about to be racist" "Like Oh Anthony you are racist" "Well, Fuck you" "I'm not racist at all" "Some of my best friends" "Are Black for Halloween" "Pubs are great, Colleges are great Festivals though, Festivals is where it's at" "Festivals is like musicians and comedians hanging out all week" "You never get to do that" "I got to go to South By South West in Austin Texas last year" "Which is a great festival But I didn't realize how popular it gets" "I drive into the town and like "Hey, where is my hotel room this weekend?"" "Yeah (Girl Shouts)" "Thank you" "Thank you for backing me up there" "I don't know.." "I don't know what story you think we share" "But you are wrong" "Yeah, I'm on a same page as this famous fucking guy travelling around the world" "We are cool We are good" "So I.." "So I get into the town I say:" ""Where is my hotel room this weekend?"" "And they said: "Where did you book your hotel room this weekend?"" "I said: "I didn't."" "And they said: "Yeah.." "Your hotel room is in your car you fucking idiot."" "It was two in the morning" "Trying to fall asleep in the back of my car" "And I get a phone call from the festival they say:" ""Anthony good news, There is a hotel about three miles away" "They have one room that just became available" "If you get there right now right away, they will take care of you"" "So I drive as fast as I can" "I get there first guy behind the front desk says: "Yes Mr.Jeselnik" "We do have one room available but by law I have to tell you" "That earlier this afternoon two prostitutes over dosed in that bed" "And I said:" ""Well, How much more is that?"" "Are you still on board at this point?" "Was that...?" "But I don't wanna sound like I'm complaining to you guys" "I don't wanna sound bitter." "Being a comedian is the greatest job in the world" "Once you get to my level" "The only thing that I don't like is all the travel" "I'm always flying somewhere" "Always in the airport." "Even flying in Chicago a couple of days ago" "Two n half hour flight delay I'm stuck in airport bar" "Talking to some random ass hole" "And I got nowhere to go" "So I'm like:" ""Hey man, what do you do?"" "He says and I quote:" ""Oh nothing right now" "But I used to be a priest"" "As in Oh shit." "Right?" "But I got nowhere to go So we keep talking, we keep drinking" "Finally two hours goes by Guy get up" ""Hey man I gotta catch my flight but I don't wanna lie to you" "I used to be a priest I got kicked out cos I molested a kid"" "Now here is the thing" "After talking to the this guy and getting to know this guy for two hours" "I have to admit he was actually a really cool guy" "If you could forget about you know..." "All that Jesus bullshit" "Yeah That's a favourite" "I'm probably gonna tell it again later" "But it's not all bad news with me" "My grand father turns 100 years old next month" "Maybe" "I'm really skeptical" "I don't think I ever got over my grand mother's death" "When I was a kid" "And my grand mother died from heart attack during" "My 9th birthday party" "Literally While she was eating cake" "And I guess that must have screwed me up a little bit" "I mean, I still have birthday parties" "But Now I'm just..." "Careful what I wish for." "My dad is been having a hard time lately" "Keeps on losing keys" "Can't hang on to a set of keys to save his life" "And he has tried every thing too." "Little hook next to the door" "Little bowl next to his bed" "One of those key chains that makes a noise when you whistle" "Nothing worked" "So finally this year for his birthday" "The whole family chipped in" "And we put him in a home" "That was not easy.." "Not an easy decision to make at all" "My dad was an amazing man you guys" "My dad was an amazing..." "My dad raised five boys all by himself" "Without the rest of us knowing" "And sure my dad had his problems. you know, had his issues" "My dad was a big time alcoholic Major league alcoholic" "Black out every night kind of alcoholic" "But to his credit My dad never once laid a finger" "On either me or my mom." "Not once" "And I don't know it was just because he loved us so much or.." "If he just" "Hated my sisters but either way..." "Either way He was a great dad" "You know the tough times for me I was like ten years old" "My parents call me into their bedroom and they say:" ""Anthony, We wanna get a divorce"" ""You have to decide which one of us you wanna live with"" "And I was a 10 year old kid I didn't know any better" "I just said: "Dad, Dad I wanna live with dad"" "It was heart breaking My mom just looked at the floor and said:" ""Well, whatever you want Anthony."" "And my dad just said:" ""I don't want a divorce any more"" "And maybe the most uncomfortable moment of my life" "Was when my dad gave me the sex talk" "The old man was.." "into some really crazy shit" "But then maybe the greatest moment of my life ever" "I think it's like a universal thing for guys 12 years old." "I'm sneaking around my house" "And I found my dad's porn in the back of attic" "That was a great day That was a game changer for me" "But then the worst day of my life was the Day I found" "My mom's porn.." "In the back of that video store" "I told that joke recently on Conan" "That's right, CONAN!" "And immediately afterwards my mom calls me on the phone" "And she said:" ""Anthony, What the fuck?"" ""Do you really have to make up a joke that makes it sound like that" "That I work in pornography and then say it on Conan?"" "That's my least favourite joke that you have"" "And I just said: "Well Mom That's only because you haven't heard the other jokes that I tell about you" "That they are not allowed to let me say on Conan." "Per example" "My mom is crazy." "People always like to joke "My Mom's crazy"" "My mom is CRAAAAAZY" "Her entire house is filled with nothing but pictures of Princess Diana" "And they are all from right after the accident" "And most of them she drew like it's really fucked up you guys" "My mom had one of those tiny little dogs." "It was a little Pomeranian" "And she loved it more than any of her kids" "To the point that when it finally died last year" "She had it stuffed" "With another Pomeranian" "And my mom is being having a hard time lately you know" "She just found out she has to have both of her breasts removed" "If she is ever gonna be good at golf" "Yeah." "That can not be easy to hear" "So I went home to visit." "I'm from Pittsburgh originally." "Just hang out with my mom for a little bit you know" "Yeah, Congrats" "So I went home and hang out with her a little bit, Help her out, cheer up" "But all my mom cares about now is the lottery and me running errands for her" "Like every day, Every day it's:" ""Anthony go play my number" "Go play my numbers please I don't wanna miss out today"" "Finally after a week of this I had to say to her" ""Mom, Are you out of your God damn mind?" "Don't you know you got a better chance of getting struck by lightening" "Than me doing you a favour?"" "Now one thing I have learnt in my years of doing stand up comedy" "Is that people get really upset" "Audiences get really upset." "If I ever try to tell a joke about suicide" "So because of that" "Here are four jokes about suicide" "That's appropriate" "I got a..." "I have got a long history of suicide in my family" "The good news is:" "It skips a generation" "So if I'm lucky" "My kids will do it" "I will never forget my sister Ashley tried to kill herself last year" "By throwing herself off a cliff" "Which was awful" "I'm actually the one who found her" "And drive her to the cliff" "Like I don't have better shit to do" "When I was a kid my uncle Tom killed himself" "I remember that because the family actually tried to cover it up" "Making it look like he accidentally shot himself" "Playing regular Roulette" "No one No one was fooled." "Didn't work" "But I think the worst thing is probably my cousin Tai" "Who killed himself a couple of years ago" "That was hard cos he was just like a little bit older than me" "I'd always go to him for advice You know.." "And he was great with it too" "Whether I was asking about school or girls or just life in general" "He always said the same thing to me He'd say: "Anthony.." "Kill yourself" "I miss that guy" "Now you guys have been a great crowd tonight" "You have gone with me everywhere I wanted you to go" "But if you were just sitting there this whole" "Time Thinking: "Anthony This is all well and good" "But where are your offensive jokes"?" "Where are your show stoppers?"" "Well, guys I saved those for the end" "I'm gonna tell you all a series of jokes right now" "That are going to get increasingly more offensive" "I like that enthusiasm" "Let's see how far it carries" "They say it's easy, It's easy to make fun of retarded people" "But let me tell you guys something It is not" "You have really got to explain it to them" "That was the first one" "Every night my girlfriend comes home from work" "And she brings with her a house plant.She is like"" ""Anthony, I'd to pick this up we need a house plant in our apartment"" "And every night I make her return it." "I say:" ""No way baby, You can't take care of a house plant" "You couldn't even keep your baby alive."" "Two for two huh?" "We have just, We just found out my little brother has a peanut allergy" "A peanut allergy which is very serious, I know" "But still I feel my parents are totally over reacting" "They caught me eating a tiny little bag of airline peanuts" "And they kicked me out of his funeral" "I feel like some of you guys might be too nice to laugh" "At some of these jokes" "That's OK." "Not everybody has..." "A great sense of humour" "You guys would probably love my little nephew he is like" "Six years old and so cute." "I talk to him everyday on the phone" "He is unbelievable." "He has got like the greatest imagination ever" "He is either gonna be an incredible artist someday" "Or he.." "Really did get molested" "I was not even laughing about one I was thinking about what's coming" "I feel like I need to say like I really believe this" "That being a mother seems like one of the toughest jobs in the world" "Like literally right below comedian." "So to me if a mother does her best then in my book she is a good mom" "Now my mom did her very best" "Unfortunately, she was also a terrible person" "Like my mom for most of her life, this is true" "My mom for most of her life was a holocaust denier" "Does everybody know what doe that means?" "It means that she couldn't believe the holocaust happen" "It's like the worst thing you can be" "And it was terrible for the entire family we had to deal with" "Until finally a couple of years ago we had an intervention" "We had a Rabbi come in to the home had him walk her through the history of Jews" "And then he made her watch Schindler list." "And after that my mom did a complete 180" "Now.." "She can't believe it only happened once" "I'm glad you guys enjoyed that one" "Because my mom was also really racist too" "Like when I was a kid My mom thought it was smart parenting" "She thought it was a good idea" "To try to convince me that Santa Claus was black" "Because then that way" "When I eventually find out He didn't exist" "It wouldn't be that big of a let down" "Three more" "I'm not a religious person, I would call myself an Atheist." "I don't have a good story behind it." "I'm just.." "Reasonable." "And my girlfriend, my girlfriend has got like the greatest story behind" "Why she is not religious any more" "So when was a kid like 12 years old Her parents nailed a 25 pound crucifix to the wall right above her bed" "And about two weeks later" "In the middle of night the crucifix falls off the wall and leaves a 2" gash" "In the back of her dad's head" "Like whether you laughed or not you gotta admit that's a fucking great story" "One thing that drives me crazy with my girlfriend now" "Is that she has got like a million shoes" "Like a million shoes" "And she doesn't even like to wear them." "I swear she just likes" "Stealing from the Holocaust museum" "No that joke you either laughing" "Or you simply never been to the Holocaust museum" "You gotta believe me It's like a Nike factory in there.." "But if you haven't been you should go." "It's important" "Now people who fly a lot the way I do." "People fly all the time" "They all say the same thing to me They say :"Anthony, there is nothing worse" "Than a baby on an airplane" "Nothing worse than a baby on an airplane" "But I disagree" "I can give you guys four examples" "Of when having a baby on an airplane was awesome" "Although.." "They were all on 9/11" "Now this is the ideal time to tell you guys" "That I love to meet fans after the show" "I like when people come up and say:" ""Anthony, you are a genius"" ""Anthony, best show I have ever seen"" "And that's it." "I don't wanna never hear anything else" "If you have got a bone to pick with me over something I said tonight" "Instead you should just Shut The Fuck Up" "Because seriously I know more about comedy than you do" "And you came to see me" "Like I said:" "Shut The Fuck Up" "After I have said all that you still feel you like you need to come up and bitch" "Well then I'll be as polite as I can possibly be" "However, it is ill advised" "Because you will end up as a joke in my act" "Much like the blind guy who came up and complained to me in Seattle after a show" "He walked up and said:" ""Anthony, Anthony.." "Why didn't you tell any blind jokes tonight?" "I came here to hear blind jokes tonight"" "I said: "well Here is a blind joke"" "Another good one for me was the lesbian in Portland" "Who ran up after a show" "And I know she was a lesbian Because she ran up and yelled out" ""Anthony, I'm a lesbian"" "And I thought you were really funny tonight" "But you are just lucky you didn't make any lesbian jokes up there" "Cos, I would have got really mad If you had made fun of any lesbians tonight"" "And I wanted to say to her:" ""Hey, Do you" "Realize that that makes you a terrible person." "And you have no sense of humour" "Plus, You are an idiot." "If you felt" "Ok laughing at all messed up things I joked about" "But you would have gotten really upset" "If I made fun of you or something you care about" "And I was gonna say all that" "But then I remembered Anthony, She is a lesbian" "She knows.." "My second favourite post show interaction of all time had to be" "Boston a couple of years ago." "When a very drunk girl." "The girl was very drunk ran up to me and she scream out" ""You should never make fun of the holocaust"" "And I said: "Why?"" "You know, Just to be a dick" "And she says: "because I lost family in the holocaust"" "And I said:" ""Well, you don't look Jewish"" "And she said:" ""Listen, ass hole..." "There are certain lines you are not supposed to cross" "Certain boundaries You are never supposed to push"" "And I said:" ""Hey , hey hey..." "I just gave you a compliment"" "But my favourite.." "The best, most unbeatable never gonna happen again" "Post show interaction of all time had to be, just, just about a year ago" "I was performing in Orlando, Florida." "Home of Casey Anthony." "And this is right after the trial like immediately after the trial" "And I said: "Listen everybody, I don't understand what the big deal is here"" "Of course Casey Anthony is innocent" "If she is guilty of anything" "It's killing her baby" "Now after the show I'm taking pictures" "Signing tits, You know how it is" "And a guy walks up to me totally sober looking very upset" "He says: "You need to do me a favour"" "Which is a terrible way to start" "He says: "You need to never tell another Casey Anthony joke ever again"" "I said: "Why?"" "You know.." "Just to be a dick" "He says, I'll never forget this He says:" ""Because her daughter, Caylee Anthony, is my niece."" "I said:" ""Bullshit"" "At which point he takes out his phone sadly hits a couple buttons" "And shows me a picture of him holding little Caylee Anthony" "In happier times of course" "And he says:" ""See, see you son of a bitch"" "I said:" ""No man, I believe you" "I just mean She WAS your niece"" "Thank you very much everybody Have a great night." "Thank you so much"