"(exciting orchestral music)" " [Narrator] Starring Milton Berle with his special guest stars Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz." "(exciting orchestral music)" " Good evening, gentlemen." " Good evening." "(lightly dramatic orchestral music)" "You got a coupleof singles, Max?" " Sure, Boss." "(lightly dramatic orchestral music)" "(laughing)" " Thank you, thank you, wait a minute, you think that's something?" "You think that's something?" "You wanna drive a guy crazy?" "You wanna drive a guy nuts?" "Send him a wire and say, ignore first telegram." "He'll flip, he'll go crazy." "(laughing) (clapping)" "What'd you say, madam?" "I heard that remark, I heard." "You said to your husband I was sick." "You're right, I am sick." "I'm really sick, I gotta go back to my psychiatrist." "I went to a psychiatrist three months ago, told him everything I know." "Now he's doin' my act at the Chez Paree in Chicago." "(laughing)" "He isn't doin' so good with it either." "(laughing)" "Boy, I like Las Vegas, I really, you see the silliest things here." "Last week, you know what happened here?" "A man shot his wife." "Really, he gave her $200 to hold for him, and she blew it on the food and rent." "(laughing) (clapping)" "You're nodding, I know." "But I love it here, in fact," "I'm gonna stay here another two weeks." "Really. (clapping)" "Mr. Cattleman told me that he's holding me over for another two weeks." "Not because he likes me, but I have to stay here," "I'd like to work off for what I owe him for the last two weeks." "(laughing)" "I'm kidding, I'm happy to be held over, and so is my entire show, especially my band leader Ricky Ricardo." "And I'd like Ricky to come out here and take a bow." "How 'bout that, huh?" "Hey, Ricky, come on out here, take a bow." "Ricky Ricardo." "(clapping)(exciting music)" "Oh, Ricky, Ricky." "I want you to know, ladies and gentlemen, this is the first time that I've had the great pleasure, what'd you do with the sardines?" "(laughing)" "Ricky, if you wanna laugh, sit out there, will you?" "No, Ricky, I'd like you to thank the audience." "You know, thank 'em, thank, say something." "You know what I mean." " Ladies and gentlemen" " Slower, little slower, with your head up, please." " Ladies" " No, talk slower, more slower, more, and more distinctly." " Ladies and gentlemen." " That's it, now your lips." " I would like to." " You're not doing the right." "(laughing)" "Reminds me, I gotta go fishing." "(laughing)" "No, really, thank the audience, thank the audience." "(speaks foreign language)" " Really?" "You know what worries me?" "I'm beginning to understand him." "(laughing)" "No, but I really wanna thank you, Ricky, for being with me, and Ricky's gonna stay over two more weeks with me, too." "Thank you very much." "Ricky Ricardo, ladies and gentlemen, let's give a big hand." "Thanks, Ricky, thank you." "Well, I guess that's about it, ladies and gentlemen." "I'd like to do more for you, but I haven't seen any new acts recently." "(laughing)" "So I'd like to leave you with three words that so eloquently describes Las Vegas." "Please bring money." "(laughing)" "Goodnight." "Thank you." "(clapping) (upbeat orchestral music)" "(cork pops)" "(clapping)(dramatic music)" "(upbeat orchestral music)" "(speaks foreign language)" " Drop dead." " Hello, Mr. Balsilia, yes." "There's a mention for four." "All right." " Oh, hi, honey." "I've been looking all over for you." " No, no, you weren't." "You were going over to bother Milton Berle again." "Now how many times do I have to tell you to leave him alone?" " What makes you so sure I was looking for Milton Berle?" " Well, A, Milton Berle is standing right back in there." "B, you were going that direction." "C, you were sneaking past me." "A, B, C, D," "D, you got an autographbook in your hand." "So that leads me to the conclusion that E, you were going to ask him for his autograph." " What are you, the Cuban Charlie Chan?" "(laughing)" " Nevermind that." "Now look, Lucy, I just don't want you doin' anything that would spoil my chances of going on the rest of this nightclub tour with him." " But, honey, I promised this sweet little old lady that I'd get Mr. Berle'sautograph for her." "You wouldn't want a wife who breaks her promises, would you?" " No, but I got one." "(laughing)" "Look, Lucy, you've been pestering Berle all over the place since we've been here." " I have not." " Yes, you have, you've been asking for autograph, asking him to pose for pictures by the pool, asking him to meet your friends, and he's beginning to get a little annoyed." " Look, I give you my word, if I can get his autograph just this once," "I promise never to go near him again." "Please?" " All right." " Thank you." " Just this one time." " Yeah, yeah, okay." "Mr. Berle?" " Uh, just a second, Lucy." " Yeah, please, this'll only take a second." " Lucy." " Please, I promised this little old lady that I'd get your autograph for her, Mr. Berle." " All right, all right." " She's really a sweet little old lady." "She lives right next door to us, you know?" "(siren rings) (exciting horn music)" "(laughing)" " Here, you forgot one." "(laughing)" " I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Berle." "But this lady old lady was so shy." " Yeah, so am I, $1500." " I'm really sorry, Mr. Berle." " Now, Lucy, for the last" " Mr. Berle." " Yes, dear?" " We've got your wife on the phone in Beverly Hills." " Oh, yeah, thank you very much, dear." "I'll take it in the dressing," "I'll take the call." " All right." " I'm expecting a call from Ruth." " Thank you very much for your autograph, Mr. Berle." " It's perfectly all right." " This little old lady will certainly appreciate it, I can tell ya that." " Anything that" " She said that she's been a fan of yours for 40 years." "(laughing)" "I'll see you later, Mr. Berle." " I'll see you later." "(gentle orchestral music)" "Hello, Ruth, darling." "Oh, it's good to speak to you, darling." "I've been trying to get you for the last hour." "Who've you been talking to?" "Your mother?" "Oh, I guess you've just been listening then." "(laughing)" "I'm only kidding." "Ruth, I've got some great news." " Honey, when are you leaving Las Vegas?" "I'll meet you at the airport." "I'm just dying to see you." " Ruth, business has been so good here at the hotel, that they're gonna hold me over for another two weeks." "Isn't that wonderful?" "I said business has been so good they're gonna hold me ove for another two weeks." " Milton, doesn't the second of the month mean anything to you?" " The second?" "Oh, forget, oh, Ruth, you don't think that I forgot, happy birthday, dear." "Many happy returns of the day." "Happy." "Oh, May 14th was your birthday?" "(laughing)" "Then happy next birthday." "(laughing)" " Milton, the second happens to be our wedding anniversary." " Well, Ruth, honestly, you don't think that I forgot our wedding anniversary, do you?" "You do?" "(laughing)" "Well, darling, don't get excited, don't worry about it." "I'll tell you, soon as I'm through working here we'll have a delayed celebration." "We'll spend a whole day together before we go on tour." " What about that big, beautiful cake I baked for our anniversary dinner?" " Oh, honey, don't worry about it." "Put it in the freezer 'til I get back." " And what about the 50 guests I invited?" "Do I put them in the freezer too?" "(laughing)" " Do I put them in the freezer too, Ruth, you're terrific." "Funny line, funny line." "Girl, you gotta great sense of humor." " Well, I don't think it's so funny." "If you can't remember our anniversary, then I can't mean very much to you." "(clicks)" " Ruth?" "Ruth, honey?" "Ruth?" "Operator?" "Operator?" "I've just been cut off." "Would you please get back that call?" "She hung up?" "(somber music)" "(soft chattering)" " Aye yi yi yi yi." " [Lucy] What's a matter, honey?" " Oh, I'm telling you, the hotel has this big thing for the 10,000th couple to be married in their chapel, you know?" " Uh-huh." " And they givin' 'em a $1,000 and the bridal suite, and all kinds of stuff." " [Lucy] Uh-huh." " Just because two people are getting married." "It's the craziest thingI've ever heard of." " What's so crazy about two people getting married?" " Huh?" " I suppose you think it's crazy that we got married." " Oh, uh, (chuckles) I didn't mean crazy." "I meant wonderful." " Then why did you say crazy?" " Well, you know me, dear, I have a lot of troublewith the language." "(laughing)" "Hi, Milt." " Hi." " What's the matter, something wrong?" " What makes you think anything's wrong?" " You look kind of unhappy." " Can't understand why." "Just called Ruth on the phone and told her the good news, and she told me that I forgot about our wedding anniversary next week." "The party she had planned, the cake she had baked, the 50 guests she invited, she hung up on me." "She refuses to take any more calls." "So what could be wrong?" "(laughing)" " Well, you go and try to understand women." " Women I understand, it's wives I can't figure out." "(laughing)" " Maybe I could figure out some way to help." "(laughing)" "Well, on the other hand, maybe I can't." "(laughing)" " Well, cheer up, Milt." "You know, Ruth will get over it." "I remember about 15 years ago," "I forgot our wedding anniversary and Lucy got over it." "Didn't ya, honey?" "(laughing)" "Well, these things take a little time." " Thanks for encouraging me, Ricky." "I'm goin' back to the bungalow and get some sleep." " How can you sleep at a time like this?" " Because no wife of mine is gonna walk over me." "That's how." "I'm not gonna lose any sleep over this." "I'm gonna forgetthe whole thing." "I'm goin' back to my bungalow and sleep like a baby." " That a boy." "(upbeat whistle music)" "(tense music)" "(laughing) (tense music)" "(phone rings)" "(laughing)" " Hello?" "Oh, fine, you've got the reservation, huh?" "What time?" "Eight o'clock in the morning?" "What about the return flight?" "Oh, that's fine, Johnny." "That'll get me back in time for the dinner show." "Thank you very much, thank you." "(playful music)" "(knocking)" "(laughing)" "(playfully dramatic music)" " [Lucy] It's me, Mr. Berle." " Oh, no!" "(laughing)" " Oh, please, Mr. Berle, you just gotta listen to my plan." " Now will you do me one favor?" " Now, here's what I thought." "What you should do is." "(chuckling)" "What's so funny?" " My pajama pants are caught in the door." " Oh." "Well how'd that happen?" " I don't know, you have a natural talent for these things." "You closed the door, didn't you?" " Well, now don't get angry, I'll just open the door." " All right, I won't get angry." "(laughing)" " It's locked." " Naturally." "Now can I get angry?" " Well where is the key?" " On the dresser." " Well, that's a fine place for it to be." " Oh, how silly of me." "I always keep a spare key in my pajamas." "I've got thousands of pajamas with lots of keys." "Will you do me a favor?" "Will you do me a favor?" "Will you please go and get me the pass key?" " No, not until you hear my plan." " Now, Lucy, please, I appreciate your helping me, but I got everything planned." "Leave me alone, will ya, please?" "Will ya get me the pass key?" " No, not until you hear me out." "Now, look, why don't you send Ruth a telegram, and tell her how much you love her and how much you miss her and ask her to fly up here for your anniversary, and, incidentally, just mention that you bought her a lovely gift?" " Yeah, great, great." "Now will you get" " You don't like the idea?" " No, I don't like the idea." " Why not?" " Because I have everything planned." "I'm flying out tomorrow morning to meet Ruth myself in Los Angeles." " You're flying home to Ruth?" " [Berle] Yes, now will you do me" " I must warn you, you may miss each other." " Why?" " Well, uh, you know that telegram I just asked you to send?" " [Berle] Yeah." " Well I sent that to Ruth two hours ago." "(laughing)" " You what?" "You!" "(fabric tears)" "(laughing)" " Is it a bad rip?" " No, it's a good rip." "It's good." "It's a little breezy, but it's good." "(laughing)" "Lucy, why did you send a telegram to Ruth, why, why?" "I told you to stay out of this" " Oh, oh, I stayed out of it!" " Good!" " I signed your name." " You signed my name?" "Lucy!" "I'll, I'll, I'll" " I'll get the pass key." " [Berle] Go and get it!" "(playful upbeat music) (laughing)" " Pardon me." "Aren't you Milton Berle?" " No, no, I'm with the Bolshoi Ballet." "(laughing)" " Oh, Berle, you kill me." "I saw your show tonight." " Maybe that explains your condition." "(laughing)" "Very funny." "Will ya leave me alone?" "I got trouble." " So long, so long, so long." " So long, so long." "(laughing)" "If you're driving, makesure you have a car." "(laughing)" " Mr. Berle, this wire was at the desk for you." "Maybe it's an answer to my wire, I mean your wire." "I-I mean, maybe it's from Ruth." " Let me see." " Is it?" " Wait a minute, let me see." " Is it from Ruth?" " Yeah, it's from Ruth." " What does she say?" " She says, got your wire, sorry, was I, I was, let me read this again." "I'm so nervous, "I got your wire." ""Sorry I was so unreasonable." ""Will arrive some time tomorrow." ""Happy anniversary, darling, Ruth."" "Oh, Lucy, you're a doll." " Oh, I'm so glad it worked!" " Lucy, if there's, I'm sorry I, I thought those things." " Oh, it's all right." " If there's anything" "I can do for you, you just let me know." " Ah, that's all right, just don't forget the gift." " Oh, I'll get ya a dozen handkerchiefs." " Oh, not for me, Imean the gift for Ruth." " Oh, Ruth, oh yeah, for Ruth, yeah, well," "I'll get her a beautiful bottle of perfume at the gift shop." " Don't ya think maybe you outta go to the jewelers?" " For perfume?" " Uh, well, you see, in your wire to Ruth, you said that you were buying her a diamond ring." "(laughing)" " Oh, did I?" " Yes." " A diamond ring?" " Mm-hmm." " That's what I promised?" " Yeah." " Well, Lucy, you know what I'm doing." "(laughing)" "All right, so I'll get her a nice little diamond ring." " Wonderful." " You know, Lucy, I owe you an apology." "I mean, all the time I thought you were a scatterbrain, but you're very sweet." " Thank you." " I appreciate what ya did." " Thank you, Mr. Berle and goodnight." " Goodnight, darling." "You're very sweet." " [Lucy] Thank you." "(door thuds)" " They key." "The key!" "Lucy, the key!" "(laughing)(playful music)" " Now here's a very lovely set." "Cocktail ring with earrings to match." " Oh, beautiful,they're very beautiful." " Are Mrs. Berle's lobes pierced?" " I think so." "On windy days, her ears whistle." "(laughing)" " Very amusing, Mr. Berle." " This is a very, very beautiful set, but I'd prefer just a ring." " Excuse me." "I'll be with you gentlemen in a minute." " Oh, no hurry, just browsing." " Where is it, where is it?" " In the safe." "You don't think they'd leave the Winthrop Diamond out in the open, do you?" " Well, this one is rather interesting." " Oh, that's nice." " But it is not Ruth's type." " No, it's not Ruth's," "(laughing)" "Lucy!" " Hi." " What are you doing here?" " Oh, I'd have been here sooner, but I had to wait for Ricky to leave for that publicity stunt before I could get away, you know?" " I see, you're very, very sweet, but you didn't have to come here, dear." " Oh, yes I did." "Otherwise how would you know what kind of ring you had in mind when I wired Ruth?" "(laughing)" " What kind of a ring did I have in mind?" " You'll know it when I see it." "(laughing)" " Marcel, this is Mrs. Ricardo." " How do you do, Mr. Marcel?" " How do you do, Mrs. Ricardo?" "Now, this one has a gorgeous stone." " Oh, yes, it is lovely." " Wrap it." " But not quite special enough." " Unwrap it." "(laughing)" " If you want something special" " Oh, yes, it must be very special." " I have just the right thing." " Good." " Excuse me." " Hey, there's Milton Berle." " I know, I know." "(dramatic music)" "(laughing)" " I'll be with you gentlemen shortly." " Thank you." " Well, here is one you might be interested in." " Oh, that is gorgeous." " Boy, I've never seen anything like that." " Of course you haven't." "This is the worldfamous Winthrop Diamond." " Oh." "Now that is exactly what you had in mind for Ruth." "(laughing)" " I have expensive tastes." "(laughing)" "Is this the price, or your social security number?" "(laughing)" " You know, Mr. Berle, the Duchess of Milan was here yesterday, and she hinted she might buy this ring." " Hint back to her that she's got it." " But, Mr. Berle." " Lucy, Lucy, this is an anniversary, and not a coronation." " But it looks so exquisite." "I know that this ring will make ruth the happiest woman in the world." " You really think so?" " Yes, I do." " All right, I'll take it." " Very well, Mr. Berle." "Shall I wrap it as a gift?" " Oh, yes, yes, indeed." " Yeah, well, I'll make out a check just as soon as my hand stops shaking." " What do we do now, Boss?" " We get Berle." "Not here." "We follow him, get him when he's alone." " And then?" " Then." "(dramatic music)" "(smooth orchestral music)" " Paul, would you do me a favor, would you keep this in the safe 'til later on this evening?" "It's very valuable." " Oh, all right, Mr. Berle." "Would you mind opening it?" "I have to describe it for my records." " Oh, yeah, well, it's, uh" " It's stunning, exquisite, gorgeous, and magnificent." " You forgot expensive." "(laughing)" " Tomorrow's his anniversary." " Oh, congratulations, Mr. Berle." " Thank you very much." "How 'bout that stone, huh?" " Say, that's quite a stone." " Let me try it on, show Paul how beautiful it is." " Look at that, boy." " Look." "Gee, I hope Ricky forgets our next anniversary." "(laughing)" "Boy." "Oh dear." " What's the matter, dear?" " I'm afraid it's a little stuck." " Come here, I can get it off." "Just a minute." " Oh!" "Merle, that hurt." " I'm sorry." "Paul, have you got rooming the safe for her?" " Oh, I'm sure it'll come off with a little soap and water." " Yeah, well come back stage." "I'll get it off, it'll just take a minute." "We'll be right back." " Don't worry about a thing, Lucy." " Now, Boss?" " It took nature 5,000 years to create that diamond." "We can wait a few minutes more." "(dramatic music)" " What, Operator?" "The jewelry shop is closed?" "Well, did you try to locate Mr. Marcel at his home?" "Try to get in touch with him." "It's very important." "Please." " [Lucy] Mr. Berle?" " Yes?" " Could we go back to s-s-soap and warm w-w-water, please, to warm water?" " Lucy, we did thatfour cakes of soap ago." " Well, I-I-I-I think my finger is shrunken now." "Can I, can I take my arm out of the f-f-freezer?" " All right, take it out, take it out." "(groans)" " Oh!" "(laughing) My, my whole arm is frozen!" "(laughing)Mr. Berle, look." "It's all frozen!" " It looks like icicles." "You know, Lucy, I read in a book once that if you hit an icicle with your hand" " Ah!" "You wouldn't." " Just a thought." "(laughing)" " Mr. Berle, can we put some warm water on my arm?" " Yes, come over here to the sink." "(Lucy sighs) (water rushes)" " Oh, that feels better." "(sighs)" "Thank you, Mr. Berle." "Mr. Berle, this isn't gonna hurt Ricky's chances of going on the rest of the tour with you, is it?" " I don't know." "Maybe I'll take you instead." " Me?" " Yeah, I'd like to be near my wife's ring." "(laughing)" "How's that, how's that, Lucy?" " Oh, that feels much better." "Ooh, it's gettin' all prickly." " I think it's gettin' looser." " Yeah, well I don't know about the ring, but my finger sure is. (knocking)" " [Man] Five minutes, Mr. Berle!" " Oh, oh, five minutes I'm on." " Yeah, yeah." " I, I'd better get ready." " You know, Mr. Berle, sometimes cold cream works." " Yeah, well try some." "There's some on my dressing table." " Gee, this is the stickiest cold cream I ever saw." " You know why?" " Why?" " It's paste." " Paste?" " Yeah, that's the paste that I use for my mustache in the opera number." " Oh, for heaven's sake." " Wipe it off." "Silly, Lucy." " I'm sorry." " This is the cold cream right in there." " Thank you, Mr. Berle." "Mr. Berle, Mr. Berle, that's my ring." " It's off!" " Your ring is on this hand." "(laughing)" " Figures." "(phone rings)" "Hello?" "They're tryin' to get Mr. Marcel right now." " Oh, okay." "Gee, I can't understandhow this got stuck." "Maybe I've been eating too much." "You know, every time I gain weight, it goes right to my fingers." "(laughing)" " Hello, Mr. Marcel?" "Oh, thank heavens we found you." "This is Milton Berle." "Milton Berle, I'm the gentlemen who bought the Winthrop Diamond." "Yes, well, uh, we had a little trouble here." "You know the little lady who was with me, Mrs. Ricardo, this afternoon?" "Well, she tried on the ring, and it got stuck on her finger." "Can you get it off?" "Oh, you can." "Oh, good, well, I'll send her right over." "Huh?" "Oh, well then I'll bring her down there myself." "Yes, between the shows." "Thank you very much, Mr. Marcel." " What'd he say?" " He said he could clip it off and fix it up in no time, but he doesn't want you to go downtown alone." " Why not?" " Well, he said there's been a lot of jewel robberies in this area, and he thinks it'd be safer if I went with ya." " Oh." "Good heavens, what'll Ricky say?" "If he finds out I'm with you, he'll murder me." " Now he'll murder you?" "Where was he three hours ago when I needed him?" "(laughing)" " Mr. Berle." " Now, look, you meet me out in the lounge right after the show." " Yeah." " And I'll take you over with the ring." " [Lucy] Okay, Mr. Berle." " [Berle] Thank you very, very much." " Okay." "I hope I didn't inconvenience you, Mr. Berle." " No, no." "(laughing)" "(rhythmic music)" "(dramatic music)" " I beg your pardon, madam." "We couldn't help noticing your beautiful ring." "The Winthrop Diamond, isn't it?" " Oh, well, oh, shh." "There are a lot of jewel thieves around." "I have to be very careful." "(laughing)" " That's very wise." "We too are aware of the danger." " Oh." " [Man] Yes, you see, we happen to be in the jewelry business." " Oh, is that so?" " Wholesale and retail." " Oh." "Well, I wish it were mine, but it happens to belong to Mr. Milton Berle." "He bought it for his wife, and he just let me try it on, and it got stuck on my finger." " Well, perhaps we can help you." " Oh?" " Yes." " Here, let me try." " Ow!" " I'm sorry, lady." " Max, be gentle with the lady's finger." "We happened to have some jewelers tools." "Now, if you care to step out to our car, we'd be happy to clip the ring off your finger." " Oh, well thank you very much, but Mr. Berle and I have an appointment at the jeweler's tonight downtown, you know, between shows." " Well, what acoincidence, so have we." "We have an appointment with Jacques Marcel." " Oh, for heaven's sake, that's the same man we're going to see." "My, what a small world." " Well, why don't we all drive down in my car together?" " Well, thank you, I think that's a very good idea." "You know what they say, there's safety in numbers." "(laughing)" " Come on, Lucy, let's go, dear, let's go." " Oh, hello, Mr. Berle." "I didn't get your name." " Oh, my name is Edward Jones, and this is myassociate Maxwell Mason." " Oh, I'm very pleased to meet you, gentlemen." " How do you do?" " These gentlemen are in the jewelry business, too, and they have to see Mr. Marcel tonight, and they offered to drive us downtown in their car." " Oh, well thank you very much, but I wouldn't wanna inconvenience you." "We're gonna take a cab." "Come on, Lucy, let's go." " Mr. Berle, I'd like to buy you a drink." " I'm awfully sorry, we're in a hurry." "(laughing)" "What are we playin', musical people?" "(laughing)" "Thank you very much, you're very sweet, but you see we wouldn't.(dramatic music)" "(laughing)" "Oh, we'd love to have a drink." "(laughing)" "Sit down, Lucy." " But I thought we" " Lucy." "(laughing)(dramatic music)" " We should sit down and have a drink." " Yeah, I think so." "(laughing)" " Well, you're playing it very smart, Berle." "Now we'll all sit here quietly until the crowd thins out." " Then we take a nice long ride out in the desert and remove the ring." " Well, for heaven's sake, if it's the ring you want, you can clip it off right here." " Oh, sure you can take it." "I can get a pair of pliers and just clip it right off, get the bellboy." "Why go to the desert, you know what I mean?" "That's what I said, the desert's fine." "Great for my sinuses." " When are you gonna bring us back?" "My husband will miss me." " He'll miss ya for a long, long time." " You mean?" "(laughing)" "(yelps) (laughing)" "You don't understand." "Why take us out to the desert?" " We don't like nobody around who can identify us." " Oh, I couldn't identify you." "My eyesight's very bad." "Really, it is." "You know what I mean, madam?" "Uh, sir, you see, I even made a mistake then." "I called you a woman instead of" " All right, Berle." "Let's go." " Yeah, w-w-well what's your hurry, what's your hurry?" " Yeah, w-what's your hurry?" " Why don't you gentlemen sit down and let me buy you a drink?" " You heard the man, Berle." "Let's go." " Allow me to help you up, madam." " Lucy, you and your ideas." "Perfume wasn't good enough for Ruth." " Well." " Now we'll all walk out like very good friends who are having a wonderful time." "(laughing)" "Laugh it up, Berle." "Smile." "(dramatic music)(laughing)" " Hello, how are ya?" "Hello." "(dramatic music)(crowd chatters)" " Oh, oh, oh, Mr. Berle!" "May I have your autograph, please?" " Well, I, sure, madam." " Thank you." "Thank you." " You're welcome." " "Help, call the police, I'm being kidnapped. "Milton Berle."" "(laughing)" "I just knew you'd write something funny, thank you." "(laughing)" " You shouldn't have done that, Berle." " I'm a comedian." "What do you want me to write, best wishes?" "They expect something funny." "On second thought, best wishes is hilarious." "It's a funny line." "Very big joke." "(laughing)" "That's a funny line, funny line." "It's a big joke." " Now, Max, you first." " Some manners." "(laughing)" " Nevermind, get in there." "(playfully dramatic music)" "(laughing)" "Max, come on!" "(laughing)" "(playful music)" "(laughing)" " Quick, Joe, your gun, some jewel thieves wanna kill us!" "(laughing)" "Joe, Joe!" "(laughing)" "(crowd chatters)" " Oh, excuse me." " Oh, hello, Mrs. Berle, when did you arrive?" " About a half hour ago." "Have you seen Mr. Berle?" " Yes, he just passed by with Mrs. Ricardo." "They went off in that direction." " Thank you very much, Harriet." " They seemed to be in pretty much of a hurry." " Hello, Chuck." " [Chuck] Good evening, Ms. Berle." " [Ricky] Ah, hello, Ruth." " Hi, Ricky." " Just get in?" " Yeah, about a half hour ago." " Have you seen Milton yet?" " No, but the girl said he went out that way with Lucy." " Well, come on, let's go find 'em." " Good." "(playful dramatic music)" " They must be around here somewhere." " Maybe they're hidin' in the bushes." " You look around here." "I'll look around over there." "We'll meet back here in a few minutes." " Okay, Boss." "(dramatic rhythmic music)" "(laughing)" " Shh, shh, shh!" " I'm sorry." "What are we gonna do, Mr. Berle?" " I think at this point you can start callin' me Milton." "(laughing)" " It's all my fault, I got ya into this, I'm sorry." " What's the difference?" "What would I be doing now anyway?" "I'd be in the casinogambling, losing money." "(laughing)" "(crying) Shh, stop crying!" "Stop, shh." " I don't like it down here, dirty old well." " You wanna fill the well with more water?" "We'll drown. (crying)" "I think we can make a break for it." " How?" " Look, I'll climb up, and then I'll heist you up in the bucket." " Oh, be careful." " You stay right there in the bucket." "(laughing)" "(playful dramatic music)" "Here ya come, Lucy." "You all right?" " [Lucy] Yeah, I'm okay." " That's fine." " Yeah." " They've gotta bearound here some place." "(yelling) (laughing)" " Stay there, stay there, Lucy, stay." "They're comin', they're comin'!" "(laughing)" " [Edward] Oh, Max!" " [Max] Yeah, Boss?" "(laughing)" " Let's take another look around the grounds." "(laughing)" " Please, lady, please, lady, will ya call the police?" " Don't be silly." "Why do you think I cameto the wishing well?" "(laughing)" " Please, lady, lady, please!" " Call me Althea." "Ooh, you're Milton Berle, aren't you?" " Yes, and I need help, I need help." " Ooh, don't we all?" "(laughing)" " Lady, please, please, I have a girl in there." " What, a girl?" " Yeah." "(laughing)" "Well, really, Mr. Berle, and you a married man." "(laughing)" " Wait a minute, get the police, please!" "(Lucy yells)" "Lucy, Lucy, I got so excited, I forgot what I was doin'." "Sorry, honey." "I'm sorry." "(laughing)" " You sure you want me outta this well?" " [Berle] Oh, Lucy." " I feel like a yo-yo." " Come on, get out, darling." " Here, take this." " I'll help you." "Come on, I got ya, I got ya, that's it, that's it." "Come on." "(playful exciting music)" "Quick, call us a cab." " Yes, Mr. Berle." "(whistle blows)" " Go to the police station." " And hurry." "(tires squeal)" " Hey, what for us!" "(laughing)" "Look, call another cab." " I'll have to call you one then." " Oh, come on!" "Let's take that." " Do you know how to drive it?" " What's there to know?" "Now, get in." "(laughing)" "(exciting music)(yelling)" "I know how to drive this thing, don't worry, don't worry." " [Lucy] Mr. Berle!" "(exciting music)(Lucy yells)" " Look out, we're turning, we're backing' up!" "Hold it!" "(exciting music)(Lucy yells)" "(clattering)" "(laughing)" " [Lucy] Ow!" "(laughing)" "(groaning)" "(laughing)" "(playful music)" "(groaning)" " Now I know how a dartboard feels." "You all right?" "(groans)" " Yeah, and they say women drivers are bad." "(laughing)" " I'll get that stuff off." "(playful music)" "Look." "(dramatic music)" "Quick, in that door, follow me." "(playful dramatic music)" "Be careful, don't scratch the ring." "(laughing)" "(playful dramatic music)" " [Lucy] Hey, we're in a wedding chapel." "(laughing)" "(organ music)" " They're comin' this way." " What are we gonna do?" " Wait a minute, let me see." " I do." " And do you, Alice, take this man to be your lawful." " There's only one thing to do." "We'll go through the chapel and go out the front door." " We can't." "One of 'em is going around to the front right now." "Milton, what are we gonna do?" " There's only one chance of gettin' outta here alive." "Listen." "(playful music)" "(laughing)" " Are you ready, Milton?" " Yes." "(playful music)" "(laughing)" "I'm ready." " Milton." " It's the best I could do." " Geesh." " Is the mustache all right?" " Yeah, but that hat." " You think this is bad?" "Look at this one." "(laughing)" "Look at this one." "(laughing)" "Wait a minute, wait a minute." "Here, take this bouquet." " What do I want with that?" " When I go, I go all the way." "(laughing)" "They're still out there." " Oh, you folks must have come in during the last ceremony." "Let's see, Mr. Wellington and Miss Parker." " Oh, uh" " That's right, Wellington and Parker." "Would you do us a favor?" "Would you call the police and get 'em over here in a hurry?" " Police?" " Yeah, come here." "See those two men out there?" "They're jewel thieves, and they're trying to steal this ring." " Oh, I'll get the police right away!" " Hurry up, please, hurry up!" " Why did you tell him your name was Wellington?" " Well, if I told him my name was Berle, they'd think it was a joke like everybody else." "(laughing)" " Yeah, you're right." " One of them's coming this way." " Let's make a break for it!" " No, just a minute." "Don't do that, it's safer here." "We'll stall." " Stall?" " Until the cops get here." " Oh." " [Edward] They tell me I mustn't leave Las Vegas without seeing your beautiful chapel." " [Minister] And quite right, sir." "Won't you step in." " [Edward] Thank you." " And make yourself at home." "We're very proud of, will you excuse me just a moment?" "Another marriage." " [Edward] Of course." " Uh, Mr. Wellington and Miss Parker?" "Yes, well if you'llstep right up in front," "I'll be with you in a minute." "(laughing)" " What are we gonna do?" " I don't know, we may have to get married." " I can't marry you, I've already got one husband." " What about me?" "I got a wife." "Do anything to stall." " But this is bigamy." "They can put us in jail for this." " Would you ratherspend two years in jail, or the rest of your life dead?" "(laughing)" " And here we are, now don't be bashful." "You know, Mr. Wellington, this is the first time" "I've ever married a couple from England." " England, yes, We're from England, you see, when we fussed over here, we didn't exactly think that we should get married here in Vegas, but it's all (mumbles)." " How was that?" " I, I said bully for you." "Hands across the sea, and all that sort of rot." "Dumb chap, doesn't understand English." " Well, I can, guv'nor." " Where are you witnesses?" " The (mumbles)?" " Your witnesses?" " Oh, the wit, the witnesses." "Well, actually, they should be here in a tuppence." " Uh, he's right, yes, he's right." " Tuppence, see?" " Well, I, I'd like to get on with this ceremony, because-  [Lucy] Uh, I say old boy, what's your hurry?" " [Minister] Well, there are other people to be married." " I couldn't see 'em anywhere." " Well, Mr. Wellington, I-I'm behind schedule now." " Schedule, schedule." " Yes, well, I'm behind it, and, would you two gentlemen mind witnessing this wedding?" " Sorry, but we don't have the time." "(laughing)" " We'd be delighted." " Oh, thank you." "Just step right up here close." "Right there." "There we are." "Now, uh, your hat." "(mumbles)" "Your hat." " Oh, oh, the hat, well, I'd, I'd rather keep it on." "You see, well, coming from the railroad station to the airport, I caught a beastly draft and a chill." "I have a dreadful headache." " Righto, from the train to the plane, he caught a beastly pain." "(laughing)" " I beg your pardon?" " From the train to the plane, he caught a beastly pain." " By George, she's got it, she's got it." " I think we'd better begin." "We are gathered here to join together this couple in the bonds of matrimony." "(crying)" " Stiff upper lip, Cecily, stiff, stout fellow, stout fellow." " And do you Bruce, take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife?" "(laughing)" " Naturally." "(laughing)" " And do you, Cynthia, take this, Cynthia?" "You've been calling her Cecily." " Oh, yes, (mumbles) balderdash." "You see, I was thinking of my first wife." "I'm sorry Cyn, sorry." " Quite all right, Bruce." "(laughing)" " Well, do you, Cynthia, take this man to be your lawful wedded husband?" "(laughing)" " Naturally." " Well, then by the power vested in me by the state of Nevada, I pronounce you man and wife." "Congratulations." "But don't go away." " Oh, don't worry, we won't, we'll stay." " Yes, because I have a wonderful surprise for you." " Today is full of surprises." " May I kiss the bride?" " Okay, Berle, let'sgo, and no more tricks." " Yeah, but I gotta pay for the wedding." "You're right, I'll send 'em a check." "(laughing)" " Now walk quietly like a couple of newlyweds." "(playful music)" " [Ricky] Surprise, surprise, surprise!" " Congratulations, you are the 10,000th couple to be married at El Rancho, and here is Ricky Ricardo to present you with the prizes." " But first of all, you'll be the guest of honor of the El Rancho Vegas in the honeymoon suite for one week." "And here's a check for $1,000." " Ricky, let's get a shot of you kissing the happy bride." " All right." "Do you mind?" "(laughing)" "How was that?" "(laughing)" "Lucy!" "(laughing)" " Hi, honey." "(laughing)" "Milton!" " What's going on here?" " Uh, (mumbles) happy anniversary, dear." "(laughing)" " Ah, Berle, you and your practical jokes." " Lucy, would you mind telling me what you are doing here?" " Well, you see, dear, uh, you told me not to pester Mr. Berle, but you didn't say anything about not marrying him." "(laughing)" " Milton, I am waiting for an explanation." " Well, honey, uh, you see, Lucy and I went out for a walk, and it was a full moon, and we passed this chapel here, and you know how impetuous I am." "But we can still be friends." "(laughing)" "(speaks foreign language)" "(laughing)" " I think he's wishing us luck." "(laughing)" " Lucy." " Huh?" " You are coming with me to the hotel right now." " Oh, no she isn't." " They're comin' with us." " Who are them?" " Them are who we've been trying to tell you about." " Well, you see, these guys are goin' on our honeymoon with us." "(laughing)" " Yeah, the, the four of us" " Shut up." " Now just a minute." "Just a cotton pickin' minute." "(laughing)" "You can't talk to my wife that way." "Who you think you are?" " This is who I am." " Yeah, they're jewel thieves, and they've beenchasing us to get this." " You see, Ruth, that's your anniversary gift, and it got stuck on Lucy's finger." " How you get mixed up with that ring in the first place?" " Well, you see, I, I" " Well, come on, everybody." "Discuss it on the way to your funeral." " Funeral?" " Yeah, they're gonna take us all out in the desert and shoot us." " Hey, get back here, shorty." "(laughing)" " I, I was just, uh." " Okay, funny man, get movin'." " And to think that you were the best man at my wedding." " Get going, and I mean you to, Justice." " Oh dear, I, I'll be late for my dinner." "(laughing)" " Now all of you, make believe this is a real happy wedding party." "Just act natural." "Justice, will you lead the way?" " Certainly." "(playful wedding music)" " Here, start throwin' some rice." "(playful wedding music)(laughing)" " Honey, that's no way to throw rice at your wife's wedding." "(laughing)" "(thuds)(groans)" "(laughing)(exciting music)" "(clattering)(exciting music)(laughing)" "(thuds) (clattering)" "(laughing)(exciting music)" " Milton, Milton!" " Ricky!" " Milton!" "(exciting music)(laughing)" " Whoa, look out!" " Look out!" "(playful music)(laughing)" "(sharp smacking)" "(laughing)(playful music)" "(yells)" " Ruthie, get his feet!" "(laughing)" "(thudding)" "(laughing)" " We did it!" "We did it!" " [Ruth] Are you all right?" " Oh, don't worry, darling." " Oh, dear, dear." " Arrest them, they're jewel thieves!" " No, not us, not us!" "Them, them!" "Those guys." "Get 'em outta here." "(clicking) (laughing)" " Oh, I'm sorry, darling." " It's all right, baby, it's all right, don't worry." " You must've gonethrough a lot of stuff." " I'm sorry, Ricky, about the whole thing." " Oh, I'm terribly sorry and poor Lucy." "Honey?" "Where is she?" " I'm down here some place, honey." "(laughing)" " Lucy!" "Honey." "Oh, baby." " Oh, my." "Oh!" "(laughing)" " Are you all right, sweetheart?" " Yeah, I'm all right." " Huh?" " I'm all right." " Excuse me, I'm ready to take your wedding picture, but, uh, which one did you marry?" " I-I-I married that one, but this one is my wife." " Yeah, the one that he married is really my wife, but this one is the one that is his wife." " Yeah, you see, I'm originally married to her." " I married him." " But he married my wife." " You see, this is his wife." " Please, please, please, wait a minute, wait a minute." "I'm very confused." " Nevermind, just take a group picture, and we'll match up the couples later." "(laughing)" "(exciting music)" " [Lucy] Hi." " Hi." " Hiya, kids." "I'll be with you in a minute." " But Mr. Berle?" " Please, not now, this machine is beginning to get hot again." " Mr. Berle?" " Yeah?" " Don't you have to say a few words about you know what?" " Oh, yeah." "Ladies and Gentlemen," "I'd like to thank Du Pont Zerex Anti-Freeze with MR-8 and Richard Hudnut, Lip Quick, the world's first roll-on lip color and Sportsman's fine toiletries for men, for making this all possible." "And I wanna thank you kids for being with me tonight." "It's been a lot of fun." " Thank you." " It's really been a great pleasure." "(siren rings) (exciting horn music)" "Oh, not again!" "(laughing)" "Goodnight, everyone." " Goodnight." " Say goodnight." "(speaks foreign language)" " Not (speaks foreign language), this is not your show." "It's my show." "(laughing)" "Goodnight." "(clapping)" "(exciting orchestral music)" " [Narrator] The Milton Berle Show was brought to you by DuPont Zerex Anti-Freeze." "Roy Rowan speaking." "This is a Sagebrush Enterprise production in association with NBC." "(exciting orchestral music)"