"ANNOUNCER:" "With the stars... and..." "Ralph?" "Shh!" "What's the matter with you?" "Are you crazy or something?" "Shut up!" "I can't get in upstairs." "Do you want to wake up Alice?" "Trixie's got the chain on the door." "That's not my problem." "That's your problem." "Well, it so happens that it is your problem, too." "If Trixie finds out I come in at 2:00 a.m. in the morning," "Alice is gonna find out that you came in at the same time." "We're in this together." "Well, what do you want me to do about it?" "Well, I figured I'd use your window, go out on the fire escape and go upstairs there." "The only chance is that Trixie left a window open." "Go ahead, but don't make any noise." "All right." "Shh, shh..." "The latch is stuck." "Let me open it." "Be careful when you open that." "I knew a guy once that got his finger caught in a latch and it hurt like anything." "Will you let me handle it?" "(screams)" "Ooh!" "Shh." "(groans):" "Eee!" "All I can say, it's a lucky thing I was here to stop you from yelling and screaming." "You'd have woke up the whole house." "If you weren't here in the first place," "I'd have never hurt my hand." "Well, the latch is open." "Go ahead, and don't make a sound." "(window squeaking)" "Must be warped." "Shh." "Good night." "(whistles softly)" "Psst, Ralph!" "What do you want?" "Wear your rubbers tomorrow morning." "It looks like rain." "Hello." "(clears throat)" "And just what do you think you're doing, Ralph?" "Well, well, I couldn't sleep, so I thought I'd get up and get a glass of milk." "I like the pajamas you're wearing." "Ralph, do you know what time it is?" "Yeah." "It's a little after 11 :00." "You're right." "It's three hours after 11:00." "Do you realize, Ralph, that you've been out almost every single night this week?" "And I stay alone-- at home here alone, while you're out at that crazy lodge having fun with the fellows." "Having fun with the fellows?" "Having fun with the fellows?" "(scoffs)" "That shows how much you know." "It just so happens that the Racoon Lodge is going through a financial crisis." "And I'm the treasurer, Alice." "I'm responsible." "If I don't get some money into that treasury, you know what might happen?" "The Bensonhurst chapter of the Racoon Lodge may no longer be." "Do you know what that means?" "Yeah." "Real estate values in Bensonhurst will go up 100%." "(chuckles)" "Bang!" "Zoom!" "I'll tell you what it really means, Alice." "It means that I failed my job as treasurer." "And I don't care how hard I have to work, and I'm not quitting until the job is done." "I'm getting money into that treasury." "You'd have plenty of money in the treasury, Ralph if you all didn't waste it on childish things." "Childish things?" "Where do we waste any money?" "How about $35 for this Admiral Dewey sport jacket?" " Oh, you're gonna get it, Alice." "(door closes)" "You're gonna get it." "What do you want now?" "Can I sleep on your cot?" "Listen." "Trixie caught me as I was sneaking in." "She tried to slam the window down on my head." "She's a regular Madame Guillotine!" "Fine couple of wives we got." "Trixie won't let you in, my wife won't let me out." "I hope by tomorrow they forget about it, that's all I hope." "I don't care whether they forgot about it or not tomorrow." "Tomorrow I'm playing pool with Burt Weidermeier." "Now, wait, wait." "Wait a minute." "On account of the way the girls are feeling, do you think it's wise to go out tomorrow night?" "I don't care whether it's wise or not," "I'm not breaking that date with Burt Weidermeier." "A whole thing going down at the bus depot says that he's going to be the new general manager." "And if he's going to be general manager," "I'm getting on the good side of him." "Well, all I know is you're going to have a tough time convincing Alice that playing pool with Burt Weidermeier is going to help your career." "Don't worry." "I'll convince her." "(snaps fingers)" " Wait a minute." "What?" "' Sot m" "Let's take the wives with us!" "To the poolroom?" "Certainly not!" "To Burt's house!" "But I thought Burt wanted to play pool." "No." "It was my idea to play pool." "At first, he wanted us to go over to his house." "You know, he thinks a lot of you, as well as he does me." "But I thought that would be a little stale, so I was the one that suggested playing pool." "Oh, oh, oh, I get it." "I go along with you." "That's a good idea." "You kill two birds with one stone." "You spend the evening with Burt, and the girls have a night out." "And not only that," " I just thought of something." "What?" "I got the perfect way to get on the good side of Burt." " How?" "Through his wife." "You know, he just got married." "And ever since he's been married, every day he starts to tell me how wonderful his wife is." "She's good-looking, he says, and she's this, and she's that..." "Well, all I have to do when I walk in is flatter her a little bit." " You know, compliment her." "That's it." "Tell her she is lovely, and she does look beautiful, and she's a nice housekeeper and everything." "Certainly." "I'll have that bird eating out of my hand before the night's over." "Yep." "And I'm going to go along with you, I'll cooperate." "What more can I do than promise than that... that I'll be my usual charming self?" "(laughs)" "Edward?" "Come on upstairs." "Yeah, fins, fins, fins, Trixie." "Fins." "I'm guilty." "Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute." "I'll explain this whole thing, Trixie." "But first I'd like to get Alice out here." "Alice, sweetheart?" "Do you mind coming out?" "Oh, I'm warning you, this had better be good." "It's nothing to worry about, nothing to worry about." "Alice, Trixie, I would like to say a few words on behalf of Ralph and myself." "We admit that it was wrong that we come home at 2:00 a.m. this morning, and we came home late last night, Friday night, ditto, and Thursday night when we were playing po..." "What Norton is trying to tell you girls is that we apologize." "And we realize we were wrong and, to make everything up, we're taking out the whole crowd of you girls tomorrow night, over to Burt Weidermeier's house, to meet his wife." "Burt Weidermeier?" "Who's Burt Weidermeier?" "He's a friend of mine." "Works down at the bus depot." "He just got married, and this is a perfect chance for us to go over and get acquainted with him." "We'll have a lovely evening." " Well, I don't know, Ralph." "Now, I don't want any excuses." "We're all going tomorrow night and we'll have a ball." "Well, I'm a little tired now." "I think I'll hit the hay." "Good night, Trix, Good night, Norton." "I'll see you later." "Night." "Night, Alice." "I'll be right in, Ralph." "Well, night, Alice." "Uh, Trixie, will you come along please?" "Don't be late!" "I'll be right up." "I want to talk to Alice." "Oh, Alice, you know as well as I do, all they're interested in is getting together with that Burt Weidermeier." "The only reason they asked us along is 'cause they know we won't let them out of the house alone after what happened tonight." "Yeah, you may be right, Trix, but something tells me we should go anyway." "What do you mean?" "Well, I've been thinking, Trix, and maybe the reason the boys go out so much at night and don't pay any attention to us anymore is our fault." "Our fault?" "Well, sure." "Do you remember the days when Ed and Ralph wouldn't dream of going anywhere without us?" "Sure." "That was before we were married." "Exactly." "Now, the whole reason that it happened then was 'cause we used to knock ourselves out to be attractive, and to look glamorous for them, and they paid plenty of attention to us in those days." "' Set m" "Alice, the watch word is "glamour."" "We're going to dress to the teeth and make a fuss over the boys." "Then they'll treat us like they did before were married." "That's right, and tomorrow night, Trix, we're not going to be wives, we're going to be dates." "Yeah." "Ooh, I'll wear my new blue satin!" "Oh, it's a knock out!" "Hey, what are you gonna wear?" "I'll wear my green dress 'cause Ralph's never seen me in that." "Ooh, wonderful!" "Hey, uh, Trix." "You got the key to the front door?" "I left it open." "Well, it ain't open now." " Oh, what are we going to do?" "(clears throat)" "When you slammed the window down, did you lock it?" "No." "May I escort you home?" "Ladies first." "Oh, my." " Watch 'rt." "Oh, ow." "BOY. . " "I'll tell you, Alice, going home like this reminds me of that old poem I used to love in my childhood." ""When he crept out into the stealthy night air, little did he realize the fire escape was not there."" "(continues reciting poem)" "Good night, Ed." "Good night, Ed." "Good night." "Good night." "Good night." "Good night." "(sniffing)" "Rita, I smell something burning." "I think it's the cookies." "Will you take care of it, Twinkles?" "I'm dressing." "Oh, okay." "All right." "I'll take them out of the oven, then." "Fine." "(doorbell rings)" "Oops." " Oh, hiya, Burt." "Oh, hiya, fellows!" " Burtie, boy!" "Hiya, pal." "Hi, how are you?" " Hi." "Oh, it's good to see you." "You'll have to excuse me." "Something's burning in the stove." "Just put your coats in the first room down the hall." "I'll be right with you." "Okay, Burt." "Nice guy, isn't he?" "Let's get rid of our coats." "Well, whoever said the age of chivalry is dead was right." "And I know the two guys that killed it." "Oh, Alice, our campaign has been a complete flop." "On the way to the bus, they walked 20 feet ahead of us, and they only talked to each other." "And if that isn't bad enough, on the bus there are just two empty seats." "And who sits in those two empty seats?" "Ralph." "Well, you can't expect miracles, Trix." "I figured it would take a little time." "A little time?" "Alice, they didn't even notice our new dresses!" "Well, we were hurrying and rushing, and we threw our coats right on over them." "Believe me, they'll notice our dresses now." "Bet you a quarter they don't." "It's a bet." " Boy, I wanna tell you, that's really living. -(chuckles)" "A spare room just to play cards and watch television in." "Let me tell you, if they had an icebox in there, it'd be a perfect setup, huh?" "Yep." "Why don't you girls take your coats in?" "Ralph..." "What?" "Don't you notice anything?" "Your stockings are crooked." "Don't forget the quarter you owe me." "Boy, this is some place, isn't it?" "Sorry I had to leave you that way, but it couldn't be helped." "Oh, that's all right, Burt." "You know, you really got a great place here." "I'm telling you, it's fixed up real good." "Well, thanks a lot, thanks." "My wife picked out everything herself." " Your wife?" "Yes." "Are you going to stand there and tell me that your wife decorated this thing here?" "(chuckles)" "You know, I would've made a bet that a professional interior decorator come in here and did all this." "That's right." "That's right, Burt." "I mean, there's only one word that I can find to describe this place." "Suave." "Yeah, that's the word." "Well, as long as nobody's going to introduce us, I'm Alice." " Oh." "I'm Trixie." "Oh, pardon me." "Mrs. Kramden, Mrs. Norton." "Pleased to meet you, Mrs. Kramden, Mrs. Norton." "Oh!" "Oh, say, your coats here-- I'll take them for you." "My wife is dressing." "She'll be out in a moment." "Just take the pocketbooks, too." "Oh, surely." "Fine, I will." "Thank you very much." "Either that or this one will be toting it all over the place with her." "Can't you put your pocket down for five minutes?" "Always carrying it." "You'd think she had a big load" "or something in there." "Well, you know." "Oh, hey, by the way, when Mrs. Weidermeier comes out, it might be good if you complimented her" "on how she decorated this place." "That's right." "You know, she might give you a tip on how to fix up our place." "Yeah." "I could sure use her help." "I just can't make up my mind what color pan goes best under our icebox." "Oh-oh!" " Oh!" "Look at these here, Ralph." "(laughs)" "Boy, they had me fooled." "They're real!" "I mean it!" "They're almost as good as the artificial ones!" "Nice, huh?" "Oh, I'm sure glad we could all get together tonight." "We should've done this a long, long time ago, you know?" "You're right about that, Burt, but you know..." "Oh, say, say!" "Here's my wife." " Oh..." "Hello." "(stuttering)" "You look lovely, darling, lovely." "Oh, this is Mrs. Kramden, Mrs. Norton." "Mr. Norton, Mr. Kramden." " So nice to meet you." "How do you do?" "Hello." "Mrs. Weidermeier-- pardon me." "Surely." "May I say, when your... your husband started to tell me about you, when you just got married, I thought that he was bragging." "But after seeing you in person," "I can truthfully and honestly say that his words were inadequate, to say the least." "(chuckles):" "Oh, well..." "Mrs. Weidermeier, charmed." "Well, I'm very happy to meet all of you." "(chuckling)" "Well, well!" "Now that everybody knows everybody, why don't we sit down, hmm?" "Good thinking, Burt!" "Oh, good, good." "All right." "(clears throat)" "Well, I must say that that is a lovely dress you have on." "I noticed it as soon as you came through the door." "Thank you." "Aren't we lucky to have husbands who notice our clothes?" " Yes." "We sure are." "Well, I'm pretty lucky, too." "I have a wife who, every time she gets something for herself, she gives something to me." "Well, I want to say, Mrs. Weidermeier, that that's very thoughtful." "It's not many wives who want to give their husbands something." "Oh, I don't know, Ralph." "I've been thinking of giving you something." "And you may get it real soon." "Well, you can pick up some wonderful things at the Millman shop, Mrs. Kramden." " Really?" "Hey, listen... why are we being so formal?" "Let's cut out the last names, shall we?" "Oh, all right." "That's right, Burt." ""Burt" sounds so strange to me." "I haven't called you Burt for years." "Well, uh, Burt's his name, ain't it?" "Yes, but you see, we have pet names for each other." "Pet names for each other!" "Now isn't that cute?" "I bet you that was your idea." " Yes, it was." "(laughs)" "Don't you have certain names you like to call your husbands?" "Oh, I have several I'd love to call him." "All you have to do is pick your husband's outstanding feature, and find a name that fits." "Oh, I see!" "Isn't that a good idea, Tubby?" "(quietly):" "Bang." "Zoom." "What do you mean, "Tubby"?" "Tubby?" "That's a perfectly darling name!" "Do you think so, Mrs. Weidermeier?" "Oh, I like it!" "(chuckles)" "Boys in the poolroom will love it!" "I just can't seem to smoke a cigarette" "unless it's in a holder." "(chuckles)" "Uh, let me get you a match here." "I have a torch, I have a torch." "Such gentlemen!" "(Ralph and Norton chuckle)" "Look..." "Look, folks, we-we skipped our dessert at dinner." "Thought you might like to have it with us." "I wouldn't dream of having it without you, Burt!" "(laughter)" "Well, how about it, Kitten?" "Shall we serve the, uh, cookies and coffee now?" "That's a good idea." "You know, if Twinkles didn't remind me about food, we'd never eat!" "All our friends say we live on love." "(laughter)" "I'll bring it in." "Oh, let me help you get it." "Let me help." "Let me." "Let me help." "Really, there's no need to bother." "Perfectly all right." "This way, we can bring it all in together." "(laughs loudly)" "What a husband you have!" "He certainly is a treasure!" ""A treasure."" "If he keeps this up much longer, he's going to be a buried "treasure."" "Look, Alice, let's talk about it tomorrow." "I got to get out of here." "I can't take anymore of this!" "Well, we'll need an excuse, Trix." " Yeah." "Headache?" " Yeah, headache." "That's what we'll do." "All right." " As soon as they come in." "Oh, boy, I'm telling you..." "I want to tell you," "I've seen some two-toned kitchens in my day, but that is a beauty you have in there." "And may I add, Burt, that you have a sensible-sized refrigerator there." "Whoops!" "Hold everything." "Leave it there, the cat'll get it." "(laughs)" ""Leave it there, the cat'll get it"!" "Leave it there, the cat'll get it!" "I heard him, I heard him." "By any chance, uh, Mrs. Weidermeier, did you make these cookies?" "No, Twinkles made them." "I didn't have the time!" "I was at the beauty parlor all day!" "Well, one hasn't got time to do everything, has one?" "(laughs)" "Oh, uh..." "Sugar and cream?" "Uh, no, thank you." "I really don't care for any coffee." "Well, how about some tea or a glass of milk?" "Well, no, thank you." "Nothing for me at all." "I've suddenly got the most splitting headache." "Oh, I'm sorry!" "Can I get you some aspirin?" "No, thank you." "I don't get these attacks very often, but when I do, the best place for me is home." "Yes, that's right." "I've seen this happen before, and we've really got to go." "Well, look, when you get her home, Trixie, make sure she goes to bed." "We're all going home." "Oh, you know, I-l sympathize with you, Alice." "I get those headaches once in a while." "I know how bad they can get." "I'll-I'll just get your coats." "Thank you." " Surely." "Thank you, Burt." "Well, I certainly did enjoy having all of you over." "It's been a lovely evening." " Thank you." "How could it be otherwise, with a hostess such as you?" "(chuckles)" "Mrs. Weidermeier, may I echo those words?" " Here we are." "Thank you." "Here we are." "I'm sure you'll feel all right in the morning." " Thank you." "Sometimes these things go away" "just like that, you know?" "Yeah." "Good night, and thanks for everything." " Here we are." "Thank you." " There we are." "Good night." " Good night." "Thank you." "Good night." "We'll have to do this again, real soon." "How about tomorrow night?" "Come on, Ralph." "Good night!" " Good night!" "Good night!" "Good night." "And before going, may I say..." "Ho-ho!" " Good night, Burt." "Good night." "And, say, uh, you mind if I had one for the road?" "A drink?" "No, no." "One of those cookies!" "(laughs)" "Oh, I do like a short cookie, Burt!" "You do make them short!" "Oh, me!" "Well..." "Alice, honey, I'm home!" "Hello, big boy." "Hi, Alice." "Oh, I thought this day would never end." "Oh, I'm so glad you're home at last." "Alice... you've been at that rum candy again!" "Who needs rum?" "It's you who go to my head." "You intoxicate me." "Don't give me that!" "You been eating that candy!" "Who needs food?" "We can live on love, Ralph." "Kiss me!" "Now... can you compare pot roast to that?" "Oh, I must be smeared." "I'll go fix my lipstick." "I won't be gone long..." "Killer." "I call you "Killer," 'cause you slay me." "And I'm calling Bellevue, 'cause you're nuts!" "Come out here!" "Now look, Alice, you're doing something, and I wanna know what it is!" "What do you mean, Ralph?" "You know what I mean!" "Smoking that thing, acting like this!" "What are you doing?" "Oh, I'm just trying to be the kind of woman you admire, Ralph." "What do you mean, the kind of woman I admire?" " I saw..." "Oh, look out now!" "I saw the kind of woman you admire, Ralph!" "I watched you!" "Oh, I watched you all last night being so attentive to a woman that you admire." "A woman who, in my opinion, is silly, self-centered, and takes terrible advantage of her husband." "But if that's the kind of woman you admire, that's the kind of woman that I'm going to be." "And it's going to be terribly easy for me, Ralph, because I'll spend all my days at the beauty parlor and shopping for dresses, and when I come home here at night, you'll be waiting for me" "with the same kind of flattery that you gave Rita!" "Rita?" "Rita?" "!" "Is that what's bothering you" " Rita?" "Well, that's a laugh!" "Well, let me in on it!" "I'd like a laugh, too, you know." "Are you nuts or something?" "I don't care about..." "Did you think that I like Rita?" "I was just throwing the old charm on her to make a hit with Burt!" "He's gonna be the general manager down at the depot, and I want to get in good with him!" "Well, that may explain your being so attentive to Rita, Ralph, but it doesn't explain something much more important." "It doesn't explain why, in all these years, Ralph, you've never tried to make me feel like your sweetheart, or even noticed how I looked." "I wish you had an explanation for that, Ralph." "Oh, how I wish you had an explanation for that." "I have got an explanation for it." "I'm a mope." "But I love you, sweetheart." "Honest I do." "You're the greatest." "Oh, Ralph."