"America's most wanted." "Have you seen this man?" "(Police radio, sirens)" "'Eagle, you're looking great." "Coming up nine minutes.'" "Hear me now, you has got to be well clever to run a massive business." "I has h'actually met Ronald McDonald, at me cousin's 15th birthday party in Egham." "And him, even though he dress like a total prick, is h'actually a genius." "If 'im can be the 'ead of a massive business so can I." "I's gonna find out 'ow." "Check it!" "I ain't never had an idea before." "How does you know when you has had one?" "Right." "How do you know?" "For a business idea?" "I mean, like, I has had the idea of, like, eating chicken or switching on the telly but I has never had an idea." "Right." "A business idea?" " Well, whatever." " Right." "If you had all the money in the world, this is a good exercise, and you could do anything with this money to make your life easier, what would you invent?" "Like... free bitches." "That..." "That is a good place to start." " Always, like, up for anything." " Right." "OK." "And there's..." "That could be a good business." "Erm..." "If me tell someone me idea, how does I know they ain't gonna nick it?" "That's tough." "People usually do." "Cos, like, when the PlayStation one came out, me was telling me Julie what would be wicked would be if they brought out something that was better than this." "Right." "And two years later, what come out?" "PlayStation 2." "How does you think they got the idea from me?" "Maybe Julie told 'em." "I don't know but..." " Well, if she did then..." " And if she did, then..." " Yo, then that is serious." " You have to talk to her." " Cos there is something called trust." " Absolutely." "I has got some business idea that I wanna tell you about." "Very quickly." "What is the most popular thing in the world?" " Music." " No." " Tell me." " Ice cream." " OK." " Everyone has it." "And what is the problem with ice cream?" " I have no idea." " It drips!" " OK." " So me idea is what?" "To make a drip-proof ice cream." "No." "That's a fucking brilliant idea." "All right, whatever." "You ain't gonna come out with that though?" "No, I promise I won't." "Me idea is to come out with these ice-cream gloves that make the ice cream not go on your 'ands and make it all well sticky," " and also it keep your 'ands warm..." " OK." "...when you is eating the ice cream." " OK." " Is you in or is you in?" "It sounds good and I hope you make a lot of money." "It's been nice seeing you, take care of yourself, OK?" "Is you in on that?" "We's got P Diddy is gonna be in it." "Good." "Here, here's an ice cream." " Do you want me to eat this?" " No." " What's my idea?" " Lay it on me." "The ice-cream glove." " That C means you can't nick it." " All right." " Has you seen one of these?" " Sure." " Everyone in school learns these things." " Sure." " Zen diagrams." " Sure." "People who like ice cream." " People who has hands." " Sure." "What's this section here?" " That's our target market." " OK." "Me did an intranet search for ice cream." "Me come back with 62... 6,121 result." "Me did an intranet search for the gloves." "How much results did me get?" "325... 0... 113." "So you times those together, what does you get?" "This is just people on the intranet, lookin' in." "203 zillion, whatever, 496 thousand, four hundred and then a one." "Check this out - if all those people bought one glove..." " Right." " At $19.99." " Right." " Just one glove." "Business would be worth..." " Wait for it." " I'm waiting." "That much." "That is such a big number I couldn't fit it that way." "That, in English..." "How does we... promote this company?" " We promote it with the strongest image." " All right." "All right, that's different." "(Ali) Naked woman on a 'orse." "Shaven or with, like, bush, whatever." "You know?" "Money talks, pubes walk." "(Chuckles) All right." "This may be..." "This may be the worst idea I've ever heard." "I actually don't dislike the idea." " Safe." "Respect." " But..." "I don't dislike the idea, you use it, you know." "It's not..." "There's something to it." " This is not gonna happen." " I has got another business idea." "Erm, OK, what is that?" "What's this?" "That is a skateboard." "No." "It is a toothbrush." "No." " Don't be..." " OK." "What is it?" "Grow a brain." "What is it?" " Me'll tell you what it is." " Oh." "It's a hoverboard." " I don't understand." " It's a hoverboard." " Has you seen Back To The Future?" " Yeah." "Has you seen the bit where they jump on the board and it flies around?" " It's in the future." " Yeah." "Yeah." "That film must have been about ten years ago." "No one has even thought about making that thing." "But it doesn't do that." "It doesn't do it yet." "That's where you lot come in." "You come up with the science..." "We don't do that." "This is nothing." "It was..." "It's a film." "They must have used the board from somewhere," " they made one that worked." " No." "No, no." "So how did he jump on it and fly all around, then?" "It's called special effects." "How do they do anything in a movie?" "Good luck." "You're gonna put on the glove before you shake my hand?" "Good luck." "(# East European folk-pop)" "(Man) I'm gonna give you a premise," " The premise is..." " Yes." "...that you are with a young lady." " Yes." " This is your second date." "Yes." "The second time you've been out with her and you are going to propose marriage to her." "I have a wife in Kazakhstan..." "That's even better, that adds more of a conflict." " But my wife will not allow it." " This is..." "This is imaginary." "We're gonna make believe that she will agree to it." "Ah, I will have time here with her!" " Yeah, that's right!" " Every time..." "But you have to convince her to come with you to Kazakhstan tonight." " Yes!" " Whatever you need to do." " But I have a wife." " I..." "This is not really gonna happen." " Why not?" " Let's say you were in a movie." "Yes, I have been in a movie" " Dirty Jew." "OK." "Now when you were in that movie, what part did you play?" "I play the one, the hero, who shoot them." " OK." " Do you know, er... famous people?" "I actually did a scene with Claire Danes in my acting class." "You might not know her but she's an American actress." "Is Freddie Mercury homosexual?" "Is Freddie Mercury a homosexual?" "I..." "I don't know if I'm qualified to comment on that." "Er, now, the young lady that you're doing the improv with..." " Yes." "...is Jennifer De Francesco." "Yes." "What we're gonna is, er, we're going to do an improv." " OK." " He's married." "You're going to say, "Hey, let's get it on right now."" "OK." "Erm..." " So, I've only known you..." " (Laughs)" " (All laugh)" " Nice." "I like." "I like this." " OK, stay in the scene." " OK." "Hm." "So, I know you have to go back home soon." "Yes." "But I was wondering if on your last night we could have a really special evening..." " Yes." "...together." "But they film this on a camera, my... my wife will see this." "Yeah, well, we're just..." "we're in a class, we're just..." " Yes." "Ah, yes." " We're acting." "You do not like me but you touch me before." "Well, that's cos we were acting." "I thought there were some excellent moments there." " Er, so, Jennifer, thank you." " Yeah." "Thank you." "Thanks." "Thanks." "No." "Thank you." " Hi." " Hello." "What will you be doing?" "I will perform from, er, television show..." " Great." "...that I in in Kazakhstan." " Locust." " OK, great." "Yes, I come!" "In ten minute." "Eight minute." "No, she cannot come." "She dead." "In the throat." "Yes, she good kid." "I like her, too." "I come." "Yes!" "(lmitating gunshots)" "Hey, it's you!" "Let her go." "Why you take her?" "She nothing to do with this." "You, me, was partner." "I am Locust!" "(lmitates gunshots in slow motion)" "(lmitates gunshots)" "I, Locust." "Fuck to you." "You safe now." "You do not need worry about him." "(lmitates gunshot)" " Thank you very much." " When will I hear?" "Erm, you know, if we're interested then we usually call." "(# Fast techno)" " Hello, how are you?" " I'm fine." "How are you?" "I'm very good." "Tell me about your latest fashions." "These are clothes for after 9-11." "A lot of clothes on the runway are still from..." "They're very pre-9-11." "They're SO pre-9-11." " They're very September 10." " They are, that's so true." "All my September 10th clothes are in the closet." "Why don't they get everybody's clothes they were wearing from September the 10th or before and put them in a massive pile and just hire some terrorists to just blow it up?" " That's a great idea." " Do a September 12th face into camera." "A September 12th face, er... is-is very inscrutable because nobody knows what's gonna happen next." "Show me the face." "Do it." " You don't know what will happen next." " And do a September 10th face." " The September 10th face was happy." " Yes." "Look into it." "September 10th face was a very, very happy face." "Do it." "No speaking." "What is September 13th face?" "You mean it really happened?" "Yes, it did happen." "Er, I wasn't dreaming, it wasn't a nightmare." "Yes, September 11th did happen." "What about September 14th face?" " Oh, it goes on and on..." " Just do it." "September 14th?" "What's gonna happen next?" "We have a bit of a problem, we can't get to speak to the designer, Carolina." " Could you pretend to be her?" " Where are you from?" "From Austria." "They don't know a fucking thing." "You want me to talk about the collection?" "Also, jetz bin inc hier mit Carolina Herrera." "I'm here with Carolina Herrera, the designer of that crazy show." "So, Carolina, how was it all?" "I thought it turned out absolutely wonderful." "My vision this year was to mix casual with very elegant." "It's an eclectic mix, very dichotomous with very rich colours, very beautiful fabrics but mixed with cargo pants." " I want to say, it's fantastic show." " Thank you." "And why the nautical theme?" " Nautical?" " Er, the ships, the waves..." " I didn't have nautical." " A bit of this, no?" "No." " Why not, why not?" " Why not?" "Because I was in someplace else, I was not in the sea." " What did you think of the show?" " I loved the show." "What about the nautical theme?" "The nautical theme I wasn't too crazy about." "There were some pieces I did like but it was a bit too much cos so many pieces were influenced by it." "Why do you think that she wanted to push this ship and ocean theme so hard?" "Why she wanted to?" "Maybe just cos we think of ships as an escape away from land, and the state of the country has just been so distressed, maybe she kind of thought of ships as a way to get away from all the craziness of here." "These people trying to get in to the Marc Jacobs show." "He already told us he wants us to come." "We do the press." "You're not on the list." "I know Marc." "You look at the list one more time" " and you will find..." " You're not on the list." " Look again." " I don't need to." " Look at it, please." " You're not on it." "Do you know who I am?" "I've won two Österreichischer Fernsehen prizes." " I'm like Jesus in Austria." " That's wonderful." "I'm prepared to do anything to get in, and I mean anything." " Try it." " What?" " You're not getting in." " I will give you the best head ever." "And I'm not even gay." " You want me to blow you?" " No, please." " Tickle your balls." "You tickle my balls." " No." "No." "I will let you take me in the scheissenpump." "This is my last offer." "You can fuck me von hintern." "You can take me up the schtinker." " Yes or no?" "I'm not even gay." " Hell, no." "What you have to do?" "I'm supposed to be doin' some work, I have to meet with Tony." "Bullshit." "I just got to get something out there..." "Great to see you." "I haven't seen you for so long." " How you been?" " I'm very good, thank you." "You remember we met and we had a great time in Los Angeles?" " I'm sorry." "I've met you before?" " Yes, we have met in Los Angeles." "Bruno, Bruno." " Bruno..." " You remember?" "I don't know." "I'm sorry, I think I know you." "Yes." "Good to see you." "Wagwan, everything irie." "I is 'ere with my main man, his name be Newt Gingrich and 'im was the leader of the House of Representatives." " Is that right?" " Yes." "Do you think a woman will ever be president?" " Absolutely." " Ain't there a problem that if there is, they is gonna spend all their time on facials, shopping and new shoes?" "If you said that to most women you'd be surprised how tough they are." "But wouldn't the whole cabinet be, like, Brad Pitt on defence and George Clooney on 'ealth, you know, cos him from ER and you has all these other good-looking geezers and King Dong in the background." "Margaret Thatcher was probably one of the three best prime ministers of the 20th century." "But wouldn't there be a danger that they'd fall in love with someone bad like Saddam Hussein?" " No more than for a man." " Yeah but women love bastards." "I don't have any..." "I think that's just a stereotype." "No but I know from me experience the worse you treat 'em the more they want you." "He could be doin' bad things to the US all the time and it would just get her more and more horny." "I don't think that kind of woman... would be president any more than a guy who's easy to push around." "People who get pushed around don't get to be president." "But ain't there the problem that if 'e declares war she'll just start cryin'?" "A woman who could be president would be comfortable saying," ""If you want a fight we'll do what it takes."" " Not if she was in love with him." " Otherwise..." "Treat 'em rough, you'll get your muff, that's what they say." "I think whoever you dated is different than the kind of people who get to be president." "How does you make countries do stuff you want?" "Well, the way you deal with countries in foreign policy," "I think that's what you're asking me..." " No doubt." "...is you deal with carrots and sticks." "But what country is gonna want carrots even if there is, like, a million tons of carrots you is giving?" "Carrots, I'm not using that term literally." "You might offer foreign aid to..." "money, OK?" "Money." "Money is better than carrots." "Even if a country love carrots and that is, like, their favourite national food," " if they get given..." " Don't get hung up on carrots." "That's a figure of speech." "So would you ever send carrots?" " Is there any situation?" " No." "No." " What about in a famine?" " Carrots themselves?" "No." "Was it embarrassing working as a secretary?" "Did it have the same kind of stigmata as being a male nurse?" "I think..." "The word secretary is used in different ways." "Why do you think politicians use so many words that young people just don't understand?" "Like "discussion" or "conflict"?" "Only chi-chi men would use them words." "Oh, I don't think so." "You'd find those in high schools in America and classrooms everywhere you go." "But surely if politicians used words like holler, swallow back, check this out all my peeps in your cribs, all you mofos out there, swallow this, booyakasha, wagwan, then people would 'ear it and understand, innit?" "That's crazy." "You can't find me five people in the entire country who could understand what you just said." " That ain't true." " Not five people." "I could find you five billion." "Cos of your jobs you must know a lot of secrets that happened back then." "It's been ten years." "I don't remember many of them." "What about Hillary Clinton?" "Does she drink from the furry cup?" "I don't know Hillary." "Does she eat from the bushy bowl?" "I don't know anything about her." "If she does, just cough." "I don't know anything about her." "So is this your interview technique?" "I was waiting to see if you coughed." "This is your interview technique?" "This interview is over." "The guy's an idiot." " I can interview you?" " For what?" "Österreichischer Jungenrundfunk." " Erm..." " I'm from Austria." " Just really quickly cos..." " OK, great." "So..." "Wait, let me go this side because this side I look fat." "Wait a minute." "Just do more of me, right?" "It's my show, it's not..." " All right?" " (Woman) We have to go." "You know, I sort of need to go." "Can we hurry?" " OK, right." " Sorry." "(Woman) Do you wanna do this?" "Really quickly you can ask me a couple of questions." "OK, great." "Er..." " Er, do I look fat?" " No, you look lovely." " Yeah?" " Let's go." "So..." "Er..." "I've forgotten, I was..." "Just say something." "Anything." "Peeps, stay in college and off the crack and big up yourself."