"Graffiti in the gents has hit new heights of literacy." "Oh, yeah?" "What's the Latest?" " "West Ham is a poof."" "I don't know why we come here." "I should be in a wine bar." " It's local." "So's the sperm bank, but I don't drink there." "What's up with him?" " Girlfriend won't talk to him." "Tell everybody, why don't you?" "Let's put it on Teletext." "Les, Gary's girlfriend won't talk to him." " She's seeing another bloke." "And she's seeing another bloke." " Shut up!" "Have you tried ringing her?" " Her mother's screening her calls." "I tried pretending to be her friend Julie, but I couldn't do the Burnley accent." "Go to casualty and talk to her there." " Nah, sod it." "Go on." "You get to see some terrific injuries." "I've decided to switch my attention to Deborah." "Oi, I've already told you, I'm in love with Deborah." "You're always saying you're in love with people." "You said it to Les once." "Yeah, well, I'd been drinking." "Sexual problem, is it?" "Dear God!" "No, we just had a slight misunderstanding." "I've got this book." "You can have a lend of it." " It's not a sexual problem!" "Thank you." "Can we pay to get some of his glands removed?" "As long as he doesn't put them in a jar by the till like his gall bladder." "Is that what that was?" "I nearly ordered that with a ploughman's." "Listen, don't give up on Dorothy." "Why not?" "We're always arguing." "Well, you're like Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton." "Only not as attractive." " Thank you." "Or interesting." " No." "It's over between us." "If she can throw herself at a knee surgeon, so can I. There's women everywhere." "Well, not in here, obviously." "'Ere, did you read what I wrote about West Ham in the khazi?" "Nice one, Les." "Yeah." " You're no good at chatting up women." "What do you mean?" " At university, you used to show them your pencil case." "It was a great pencil case." " You'd swan up to them at parties and say, "Evening, Gorgeous." ""So, how many O levels did you get?"" "Anyway, you can't go after Deborah." "She's my woman." "Your woman?" "You went out once, and she called you a "sad Little man"." "Yeah, well, we're going to build on that." "Deborah would be right for me, living upstairs." "You want a housekeeper, not a girlfriend." "I just want someone who every now and again'll say, "Gary, you're a great guy."" "Oh, right." "You want a housekeeper who's a congenital idiot." "Just put the record on." " What do you want?" "Jim Reeves or the 1970 England World Cup squad?" "Oh, anything." "Les, has someone been sick in the jukebox again?" "Yeah, probably." "It's got a nice ring to it." "What?" "Jim Reeves, the Vomit Megamix?" "No, Gary and Deborah, or Deborah and Gary." "I hardly think a girl of Deborah's sophistication will go after the grandmaster of sleaze and his sensational pencil case." "I've improved my technique, as Deborah will find out." "That's all it was." "George, which one is most likely to impress a young lady?" "It's always difficult to say with burglar alarms." "Maybe you ought to buy her something more feminine." "What?" "An ironing board, something like that?" "Don't you think you ought to try to get together with Dorothy instead of chasing other women with ironing boards?" "No." " marvellous girl, Dorothy." "Lovely sturdy neck." "If you eat nothing but bananas, you start to want grapefruit." "Anyway, she's steering clear of me, so that's that." "I remember the day after you first met her." "You kept smiling." "We thought you'd done something to your mouth." "Let's see which one's got the best tone." "Model number one..." "Yes..." "It has a distinctive tone." "What are these people playing at?" "Hello there, Anthea." "What can we do for you?" "Oh, I just thought I heard something." "It's stopped now." " I feel a bit shaky." "Have a lie-down." " I think I might." "Next Thursday seems like a good time." "Marjorie says that the best defense against burglars is to shame them by putting out a plate of fancy biscuits." "Of course, you have to know in advance when they're coming." "Right." "Item 13 on the agenda." "It's just after 12." "Japanese-style nibble, Deborah?" " No, thanks." "I still have some here." " Ah, good." "Deborah and I will probably eat out later." "Dermot, no." "Oh, right." "Change of plan." "How Long's this residents' meeting going on for?" "You don't have to stay." "We've got important matters to discuss as property owners." "I own property." " I don't mean a Scalextric and pants." "I mean mortgages." "You're a Lodger." "You don't exist Legally." "Oh." " Maybe we could skip this item here about procedure during a terrorist siege?" "Er..." "All right, yes." "If it happens, we'll just improvise." " Good, good." "So, security." " Oh, God." "Deborah, do you know the single most common cause of burglaries?" "Burglars?" "Er...um...yes." "But try and think more conceptually." " Original sin?" "Good, good." "Now less conceptually." " Opportunity" "You had to spoil it." "Just trying to hurry things along." "You see, your average burglar just can't resist an unguarded target." "Yes, yes, it is sad." "No, it's not that." "You're leaning on my hair." " Oh, sorry." "What about the alarm on the house?" "It's an empty box." "Somebody stole the real one." "I'm glad you brought that up, because I bought us a Little something for our house." "If you'd like to do the honours." "Oh." "How thoughtful." "Well, if you can't help out your special friends, what can you do, eh?" "On!" "\ Sorry." "So what's wrong with you?" "Dorothy." "Dermot!" "What are you doing here?" "It's about Gary." " Gary." "Tall, fair-haired, big ears." " Yes, thank you." "I remember." "If you want to talk, you can give me a hand." "We're short-staffed." "I haven't really done much medical work before." "I won't ask you to perform open-heart surgery." "The thing is..." " Why didn't Gary come?" "He's a bit under the weather." " Lightning, hopefully." "Dermot... help, will you?" "Sure." "What are we doing?" "It's Gary's fault." "He shouldn't take me for granted." "I meet lots of attractive men here." " Yeah, but they're all bleeding and..." "I've had a psychiatrist begging me to meet his mother." "Then there's Graham." "We're planning a weekend away together." "On a barge." " Sounds like a bundle of laughs." "He's very considerate, actually." " I see." "Boring, is he?" "No." "No." "Not always." " He's hardly Gary, though, is he?" "He doesn't buy his clothes at Millets, if that's what you mean." "I'm worried Gary'll make a fool of himself over an unsuitable woman." "He already has." "It was me." "Dermot, we're making a bed, not applying gold leaf." "He's in a bad way." " Really?" "Send me a photograph." "He's pining for you." "I heard him shouting things about you in his sleep." "Don't be stupid." "What sort of things?" " A lot of it's very sexual." "Doesn't surprise me." " You'll get in touch, then?" "I'll think about it." "Sexual things, you say?" "Yeah." "I started to write them down but was scared someone would find the paper." "Sorry." "You can't use this bed." "We've just made it." "It's not as easy as it Looks, this, you know." "Why don't we just glue it on?" "Hand me the gimlet, would you?" "You wanna put labels on them." "Do you mean one of these long things with the sharp end?" "Should have got a professional in." " I don't mind manual Labour." "I installed those dimmer switches." "They don't actually dim." " They do." "You just have to unplug the cooker." "I bumped into Dorothy yesterday." "Oh, yes?" "Said she was missing you." " Mm-hmm." "Seemed quite upset." " Fantastic." "I mean that in a loving way." "Yeah, right." " Where did you bump into her?" "In the bus." "What's wrong with her bike?" "She's having the front basket re-wickered." "Bit of a coincidence, isn't it, bumping into each other like that?" "What?" "You reckon she's following me?" "No, I reckon you're making it up to get us together again." "No!" " Leaving the way clear for you to pounce on Deborah." "You want to get back with Dorothy." " It's up to her." "When did she last show me any affection?" " Friday before last?" "The noise from your bedroom sounded like you were castrating a pig." "It was a rhetorical question." "just hold the Ladder, will you?" "Hang on." "Dermot?" "Dermot?" "It's for you." "If it's Dorothy, tell her I'm in the bath with a girl" "It IS Dorothy." "Oh." "Did she hear what I just said?" "No, but she just heard that." "I'll call her back." " Can he call you back?" "She says no." "She's got a torn sphincter on her hands." "Disgusting." "Ask her how she is." " How are you?" "She says she's fine." "Ask if she's got her bike fixed." " She has." "This is ridiculous." "Pass me the phone." "I can't put my finger on it, but something's not quite right here." "Hmm..." "Hang on." "Oh, that's better." "Hello, Dorothy." "Yes." "Yes." "Well, it's a bit awkward now." "Hmm." "Well, why don't you come round tonight?" "Any time." "Yes." "All right." "Bye." "You dropped some of your took." "What do you think?" "Great, eh?" "What does that yellow flashing Light mean?" "Er..." "Police patrol car alerted." "Oh, that's the other model." " That's all we need, police bursting in expecting cups of tea." "Yellow light..." "I'll get back to you on that one." "I don't suppose it's important." " No, no." "Nor that blue one that's just come on." "That's probably to warn you that the yellow Light's on." "Right." "Excuse me, Dermot." "Deborah, open the door." "Can you manage that?" " If you talk me through it." "Oh!" "Right." "You're breaking into our flat." "Make sure you steal Gary's cravats." "You've broken through the front door, and now you're forcing your way in." "It's a quiet one, isn't it?" "Shalll go in?" " Don't say it's faulty." "Maybe it's just warming up." "Shalll go in?" " No!" "Oh." "No." " No need to shout at Deborah." "I probably didn't open the door correctly." "You did it really well." " Absolutely faultless." "Shall I go and unplug the cooker?" " I know what." "Dermot, you open the front door." "Right, so I'm breaking out now, am I?" "All right." "We get the picture." "Great, eh?" " Eh?" "Let me smash it with a hammer, Gary." "I'd enjoy that." "I think I know..." "I know what the problem is." " Yeah, the alarm's stuck on." "It's got mechanisms to stop me from shutting it off." "I thought you knew about alarms." " I'm a sales manager, not a technician." "It's like in that film "2001" - the machine's smarter than the man who installed it." "Oh, forgive me for making the effort" "It's just the kind of person I am." "Ah..." "Well, it all looks pretty straightforward." "Have you found a way to turn it off yet?" "Turn it off..." "No problem." "Careful." "Those wires may be still live." "Gary?" "Gary?" "God, I think he's unconscious." "# Agadoo-doo-doo" "# Push pineapple, how are you?" "# Agadoo-doo-doo... #" " What are you doing?" "I saw it in a film." "You wake them by singing their favourite song." "# To the left, to the right, jump up and down... #" "Thank you, Dermot." "I don't think I'm in a coma." "You fused the Lights upstairs, as well" "Walk this way." " I don't have any candles." "You can share mine." " No, thank you, Dermot." "You can have them on your side of the bed." "That's neither clever nor funny." "You never have a guide dog when you need one." "Deborah, you must think I'm a complete fool" "Yes." " That match is burning down." "Ow!" " Don't you have a torch?" "Dermot used the batteries in his novelty cocktail shaker." "Now, don't you worry your pretty..." "I'll go and phone the electrician." "Excuse me." "Let's have some wine to celebrate, eh?" "Celebrate what?" "I'll think of something after a couple of glasses." "So, how's your boyfriend in Singapore, then?" "Fine, thank you." "Does he work with dangerous machinery?" "He'll come round after the snooker." " When does it finish?" "A week on Sunday." "I'll call another one in the morning." "Dermot, can you get the spare candles out of the shed?" "Get 'em yourself." "Go on, Dermot." "Don't be mean." "Excellent idea, Deborah." "So, how's your boyfriend in Singapore?" "Why is everyone so interested?" "Well, you must get lonely on your own." "Sometimes." "Mike won't be there long." " What is it he does?" "He's an engineer." " Oh." "Does he work with...?" " He doesn't work with dangerous machinery." "So, last time I saw you and Dorothy, you were shouting at each other." "Yeah, yeah." "We've more or less split up, actually." "That's a shame." "Well, I suppose... we were like a candle that had to go out." "I got that from a book, actually." " Yes, I thought so." "You know, you've got just the right bone structure for your face." "Very important, bones." " Yes." "They stop my face from caving in." " Yes." "Yes." "I can't remember the last time I was intimate with a woman." "Weren't you intimate with Dorothy?" "In a mechanical sort of way." "I mean, she tried to excite me, rather pathetically." "As I said to her, you can't Light a fire without a spark." "Now you've moved in upstairs... and you've brought the candles and matches, which is brilliant." "They're just great in a power cut." "Now, there's things I must be doing." "Oh, Dorothy!" "We were just talking about you." "That's...nice." "I'll just put these in some water." "I couldn't find any candles, but I found this old Showaddywaddy album." "Great, eh?" "So..." "That's them paired off." "Now it's just you, me and the candlelight." "Two out of three, Dermot." " You're right." "Who needs candles?"