"Previously..." "General Arcadius, I've come to free you from this hellhole." "I think we got a situation." "Actually, I was referring to my love for Bruce." "He's as good as dead, Mandoon." "It'll take more than one arrow to kill the greatest General that ever lived." "That'll probably do it, though." "00:00:31,407 -- 00:00:33,987 Consumed by guilt and grief" "over the loss of General Arcadius," "Krod trode the dung-littered banks of Lake Hessemeel, determined to carry out his mentor's final farewell." "with precision, honor, and above all, dignity." "You may fire when ready, Loquasto." "Come on." "Go ahead and take a mulligan." "I'll eat that." "I got it." "That's lovely." "Say a few words before it draws attention." "The boat or Loquasto's erection?" "Sorry." "I can't help it when she..." "Don't make the man feel bad about something beautiful." " Hit it with a spoon." " I'll do it later." "Is that Arcadius' widow?" "Sorry I'm late." "Enrique had to take it in at the bosom." "Continue." "He was a great man, a brilliant general, a fearless patriot... a generous lover." "Sure." "And he was the first person to ever truly believe in me, myself included." "That was beautiful." "It was lovely, master." "Now, what are we going to do with his body?" "Of course." "Council," "Give me only the truth as you consider this question." "Can I pull this off?" "Yes or no?" "You, Lord Vanameer." "Well, sire, in truth, I prefer the trousers." " The pagan goat pants." " Yes, Chancellor." "They're wonderful, aren't they?" "See, I haven't really got the thighs to pull off a loincloth or a codpiece." "Even if I did, the nether hair that spills forth is revolting." "Indeed it is, sire." "It's all..." "Myrmidons, kill this man." "And fetch my pagan goat pants." "Thanks for the suggestion." "My pleasure, sire." "What next, master?" "Avenge the General?" "Trust me;" "there'll be some serious avenging." "But first Aneka and I just need a little alone time." " What?" " Well, you know, some things were said back in the dungeon, some hurtful things." "But it's OK, because I know this great couples' counselor right here in Hessemeel." "I'm not going to couples' counseling, so..." "Nothing long-term." "I'm just talking about a relationship tune-up." "If it's Dr. Willoughby, you should go." "Can we not do this here?" "What are you talking about?" "These are my best friends in the world, and Bruce." " You can say anything in front of them." " Fine." "Listen, Krod." "What I'm about to say has nothing to do with your inability to satisfy me sexually." " Guys, get lost." " No, we were going to go anyway." "I am never going to be the girl that you want me to be." "No, don't say that." "You can change." " Or I can change." " Oh, really?" "So you would be OK with me, say, going home during the raccoon festival to complete the rite of the 300 moons?" "Is that, like, a hunting tournament?" " What is that, your astronomy thing?" " No, it's a religious rite." "Great." "Even better." "In which good pagan girls, on the eve of their 300th moon, must lay with 300 men." " Dear god." " 300 men?" " Gods, of course I'm not OK with that." " My point exactly." "She gonna stab him." "And I thought you could have been one of the ones." "No, Aneka, wait." "Let her go, man." "Let her nasty ass go." "What a day, huh?" "Barnabus!" "What news?" "Have we cracked the secrets of the eye yet?" " No, sir, the weapon remains inert." " Daggers!" "Although our scholars couldn't translate the runes, they were able to identify them as turbidian hieroglyphs belonging to an almost-dead language." "The good news is, we've managed to find an elder fluent in this ancient tongue." " What, him?" " Yes." "Are you able to decipher these runes, old man?" " Me?" " Yes." "Not me." "Papi." "My father says it's drafty in here." "He wants to know if anyone else feels it." "Why is everybody whispering today?" "Tell the guard to address me directly." "Sir, he would, except you had his vocal cords torn out" " for addressing you directly." " Right." "Now, he brings very good news." "Krod Mandoon has been spotted in the village, sir." "Arm the squadron, ready my carriage, and fetch a sweater for papi." "Keep him happy." "Joy!" "My pagan goat pants." "Engamora." "Look, Bruce, if that's an invitation to do... anything, I'm just going to go ahead and pass." "Please." "It was Arcadius' dying word." "It refers to the prophesy of Engamora." "He would recite it to me during our lovemaking sessions." " He would mount me and push..." " Can we just skip ahead?" "It chronicles the triumph of the resistance under the leadership of the golden one." "The golden one?" "The slightly less cliche way of saying the chosen one." "But either way, Arcadius believed it was you." "This is a lot to take on board." "Is there somewhere I can read this thing?" "There's nothing to read." "Arcadius passed the prophesy down to me orally." "And anally." "Look, Bruce," "I'm just going to go ahead and chalk this prophesy thing up to big-house pillow talk." " All I know is that the love of my..." " Last two weeks?" "He sacrificed himself so that you could live." "Don't tell me he died in vain." "In bain?" "No, in vain." " In pain?" " No, in vain." "In vain, he's saying." "Oh, in vain." "Right." "Like that bloke over there." " Exactly." "That's what he's saying." " Or him." "Forget that." "It's a much better version of what i'm talking about." "Guys, guys, it's a raid." "Hide." "All hail the Chancellor Dongalor!" "Reveal yourself, Mandoon, or I'll take the life of one villager every minute until you comply." "Excuse me." "How will you mark the time to a minute?" "Even our most accurate sundials are approximate at best." "Good point." "Barnabus?" "And define "villager."" "My daughter and I live in a village but not this one." "Right, yeah." "How do we usually do this?" "Locals only or..." "Since you've obviously given no thought to time or regional considerations, how will you possibly arrive at an equitable system to decide whom to kill first?" "Why me?" "How many more, Mandoon?" "How many will have to answer for your crimes?" " That's it." "I'm going out there." " To go out now would be suicide." "Yeah, and to do nothing is murder." "If I'm not back in two days," "Quasto, give that to Aneka." " Pewter?" " What, Bruce?" "Right, you're mad that she dumped you, and pewter's her punishment." "I get it." "So I'll meet you at Kamada Falls in two days, OK?" "Be careful, master." "Hi." "I never normally do this, but you are absolutely adorable, and I would love to take you out for a bite to eat." "You just killed my father." "Well, then, I guess I won't be asking him for permission." "Too soon?" "Here I am, Dongalor!" "Well, well." "Mandoon." "What have you to say for yourself?" "Just one thing." "All hail Chancellor Dongalor!" "Damn sword." "I forgot the blade sticks in the warmer months, so I just..." "Wakey wakey." "We need more tinkle;" "fill the piss pot." "I don't think I require any further relief presently." "Will you fill it?" "Bit weird on a first date?" "300 moons ago, a pagan angel was born." "Please welcome one of the most spiritually gifted newcomers to ever grace this hallowed stage, the woman who put the "rack" in "raccoon."" "Can I get an "amen"?" "Amen!" "All 300 men to say hello to Aneka." "Dear Aneka, I hope this note finds you well." "Remember that guy we rescued from the dongeon who may or may not have had a weird thing for horses?" "Turns out he's a great guy." "Not weird at all." "He's letting me hide out at his place." "So much for first impressions." "Miss Millie, are you ready to go to the meadows and chase fireflies?" "Hello, Krod." "Didn't see you there." "I thought you and Millie were just..." "There's been a development." "Okay, maybe he is a little weird." "But who am I to judge?" "All I know is we'll emerge from this hiatus stronger than ever." "I may not be able to write again soon for fear of disclosing my location, so I guess I'll just scribble mushy journal entries until we meet again." "Just kidding;" "i don't keep a journal." "Seriously, I don't." "Until we're reunited, I remain faithfully yours." "Krodford J. Mandoon." "Now, can I see a show of hands for anybody who would like to assist the lovely Aneka?" "PS:" "Remember that 300 raccoon thing?" "That's not for real, is it?" "Horst?" "If you're here for Millie..." "I'm here for you, Mandoon." "What's this?" "A journal." "That is private." ""But what I miss more than the sex is the cuddling."" "This is good." "You do not have permission to read that." "What a nob." "General Arcadius?" "Hroath g'blon brack rothan." "Wait, that's what's written on my sword." "How did you know that?" "Let fire flow through this steel." "Wait, fire?" "It's funny you should say that, because this thing has been flaming up." "I just assumed it was defective." "The fire comes from within you." "You, Krod, are the golden one." "Seriously?" "I'm the guy who's supposed to save the resistance?" "Not you alone..." "Aneka as well." "The prophesy tells of a pagan maiden who fights ever by the side of the golden one." ""Was it me, or was it her?"" "Boo-hoo, Phyllis." "You are such a dick!" "Use your blade, not your tongue." "You need her, Krod, and she needs you." "Aneka needs me?" "If Dongalor sent an assassin for you, surely she's in danger too." "Hey, buddy." "You chose the wrong guy to read the diary of." " This is demonry." " No." "This is destiny." "Satisfying, no?" "After clearing up the misconception with Horst," "Krod made haste to the pagan lands to warn Aneka of her impending peril and perhaps put the kibosh on a pagan gang bang." "Excuse me, I'm sorry to bother you, but this one's Aneka's hut, right?" "No, that one." "Oh, man." "Go in peace." "Hi." "Krod Mandoon." "Happy raccoon day or whatever." " What are you doing here?" " I'm fine, thanks." "How are you?" " I don't have a lot of time, so..." " I know." "I saw the line." "Please leave." "Who's next?" "Me." " What are you doing?" " He's an assassin here to kill you." "You are deluded." "Am I?" "Stygian Corps." "He is an assassin." "Pretty awesome, huh?" "It seems like I get two for one today." "Hey, dick." "I'm right behind you." " Sheath your sword, or she dies." " Kill him, Krod." " She dies anyway." " Shoot!" "Go in peace." "Sorry, master." "It's OK." "Ah, shoot!" "God dang... dang it." "Nice work with the flash bomb." "Flash?" "You're talking about the way that I levitated you out of harm's way." "I was talking about the flash bomb that you threw at my feet, the flash bomb from your magic sack?" "I told you about the flash bomb in confidence." "I would never go and reveal your secrets like that, never." "What are you guys even doing here?" "We brought you Aneka's love ring, master." "That is not..." "That's so silly." "That's not a love ring." "It's a friendship ring." "Funny, 'cause it's inscribed "Aneka Mandoon."" "Flash bomb!" "That is a typo." "That shouldn't be there like that." "Anyway... we should probably let you get on with your... this." "This distraction has broken my communion with the great raccoon spirits." "My head wouldn't be in it." "300 men locked, loaded, and looking for love, and you're closing up shop?" "What, are you crazy?" "Hello, boys." "With his goat pants tightening," "Dongalor showed his new love around the palace, hoping all the while for third base or better." "This is your room." "I'm just three doors down if you get chilly or whatever." "Breasts." "And tomorrow," "I'll have Barnabus fetch your things." "But I don't have things." "That is the most adorable thing I've ever heard." "Dink!" "Ah, sir." "This gentleman here brings rather bad news from the pagan lands." "Project Engamora has failed on two fronts." "Sweet dreams." "Right." "He did also have some good news, sir." "Always give good news first." "This man's blood is on your hands." "I do apologize." "So the good news is, our translators are making great strides, though it seems we're still missing a crucial element of the eye's aiming mechanism, namely a crystalline focal lens." "Find that lens." "Sir, the search has already begun." "Now I'm too excited to sleep." "Maybe I'll steal in there for a quick little gropey-gropey." "I'd leave it till the morning, sir." "You know, let the shock wear off." "But what to do with all this nervous energy?" "Hello, old friend." "Bring me a tub of goose fat and a clean sock, would you?"