"What time do you call this?" "Er..." "Half past one." "Where have you been?" "I've been to a car-swapping party." " Car-swapping party?" " Yeah, it's great." "The men stand in a circle and throw their wives in the middle." "You pick one and she escorts you to your car." " You're not married." " No, that's why I came home on the bus." " It's parked outside." " Great banter." "I'm bereft of ribs." "Now perhaps we could daily with the truth?" "Right, OK." "I was struck by lightning and, er... et cetera." "Several hours ago, you left to get two fish suppers." "I gave you £1.75." "Where's my halibut?" "OK, here we go. £1.75, yeah, I remember that." "Was that today?" "The town planners are irresponsible to put the Lamb and Flag bang next door to Neptune's Pantry." " You mean..." " Yes I have liquidised your assets." " Sit down!" " I am sitting down." "You're squirling around like an evil dervish." "Do you want a fight, or what?" "Nice bit of interior design!" "Hey!" "Oh!" "I've just found a quid!" "Right, I'm off out." "Tell the wife I'll be home around eight." " Whose wife?" " Anybody's." "I don't know where I'm going." "Ta-ra!" "OK, I give in." "Where's the front door gone?" "How did you get so drunk on £1.75?" "There's a sale on at the chemist's." " What do you mean?" " Old Spice, 25p a bottle." "Where'd the floor go?" "Lordy, Lordy, every single night." "I can't complain." "He's only been drunk once." "Trouble is, it's lasted 17 years so far." "A-ha!" "Welcome to Eddie's Bar." "There you are, my little beauty." "A-haa!" "Wooh!" "That's better." "Taxi for the Copacabana!" "Oh, no, not the bleach!" "Eddie!" "Eddie?" "Eddie!" "Right!" "Right..." "Eddie!" "Eddie!" "Bloody hell!" "Well, that's just effing marvellous!" "That's the fun evening in with the fish supper." "Oh!" "I don't know why I bother!" "I've cleared the decks, hoovered, ironed." "I even had a go at flushing the toilet." "Oh, well, off we go again." "Why do I do it?" "Because I'm a nice person." "Righty-ho." "Where's the noose?" "Thank you, Lord, for making me such a nice person." "There's not many of us - just me, Jesus and Mahatma Gandhi." "Actually, I'm a lot nicer than them two!" "Jesus had problems, but he didn't have to put Eddie to bed every night." "Right." "# Do your balls hang low?" "Can you swing 'em to and fro?" "# Can you tie 'em in a knot?" "Can you tie 'em in a bow?" "# Do you get a funny feeling when they're hanging from the ceiling?" "# You'll never be a sailor if your balls hang low #" "Take it easy, Selina, we've got all night." "Heave-ho, heave-ho!" "Do your worst, slanty-eyed fiend." "I won't talk!" "Good evening, Your Majesty." "I can see your pants." " What?" "What?" " Bedtime, Eddie!" "Right, bedtime." " Night-night." " Nighty-night." "Five, four, three, two, one..." "Well, nighty-night, then." "Er..." "Eddie, is that you, Eddie?" "Oh, God, there's someone downstairs!" "Eddie!" "Eddie!" "Eddie!" " What the bloody hell..." " Shh!" "Listen!" "Don't panic, but we've got some trouble downstairs." "That's no reason to wake me up!" " Change your pants and see the doctor." " No, Eddie..." "I think someone's in the drawing room." " The what room?" " The drawing room." "I don't think I've been in there." "We've got a room just for drawing in?" "You're so common." "Do you call it "the snug" or "the saloon"?" " Oh, the lounge." " Yes, the louuuunge." "There's someone in the louuuunge." " That's sorted, then." "I'm off to bed." "See you." " Eddie, no..." " Oh, God, what are we gonna do?" " What about?" " The burglars!" " You mean we've got burglars downstairs?" " In the sketching room?" " Yes!" "Aghhhh!" " OK!" " All right?" " Yes, thank you." "Oh, Rich..." " Yeah?" " Settled?" " Settled." "Now what are we going to do?" "Shit our pants?" " I've done that." " Thought so." " I'm on to stage two." " What about surrender?" "Good idea." "No, no..." "They might beat us up." "And cut our bodies into 1,000 pieces?" " Skin us alive." " Then put on our skins." "Do foul depraved lovemaking to our twitching corpses." " And eat our livers." " Drink our blood!" " Play cricket with our hearts." " Using our love truncheons as wickets." "And do pagan dancing, flapping our skins about." "Smearing naked girlies' breasts with our throbbing brains." " Not much of an option." " No." "Given the choice, I'd skip it." " That sounded like the Chesterfield." " It wasn't that far away." "What if they're looking for drugs?" " We haven't got any." " They'll be here all night!" "Why don't we chuck a Lemsip downstairs?" "Eddie, these are hard men." "They've been snowballing heroin all night." "A lemon drink won't assuage them!" "Got it!" "Bisodol should get them on the move." "You'll have to go down, fight them off and phone the police." " What?" "!" " Where are you going?" "Leicester." "Give me a call when it's over." "Only joking." "It's very good for morale." "Look!" " What's that?" " My mother's service revolver." " Your mother's?" " It's all I was bequeathed." "She left me, the carrycot and this revolver on the doorstep." "And a note saying, "Please look after my baby." "I can't be bothered."" " She was a wonderful mother." " How do you know?" "I saw the article in the "Police Gazette"." "Off you go, downstairs, and see 'em off." " Are you joking?" " What's the gun for, then?" " To shoot the lock off the roof hatch." " Good idea." " Why don't we use the key?" " It's always the same with you!" "Any problem, you find a simple, sensible solution and everything's okey-dokey." "I get one chance in my life to look a bit sexy, to look a bit like Clint Eastwood..." "I don't wanna be called Eddie any more." "I wanna be called Dirty Eddie." " Out the way, punk." "I'll shoot the lock." " Do you want to be skinned and buggered?" "I'd like to see you try!" "Not me, I'm talking about the burglars." "They'll hear the gun." "We'll take the key and unlock the door." "Where's the ladder gone?" "The police confiscated it when the nurses moved in next door." " Bend over and I'll climb on your back." " Okey-dokey, Skip." "Careful." "That sounds like the Sheffield." " Eddie, help!" " I'll switch the light on." "No, Eddie!" " Help!" "Eddie, they've got me!" " Stand to one side." "Oh..." "Aghh!" "Eddie, I've got one!" "I've got you covered." " Up you get!" "Into the colouring-in room." " Yeah!" " Sit on that chair." " Thank you." "We bloody well did it!" "Thought you could take on us, take on the Hammersmith hard men?" "I'm a Falklands veteran and Eddie's... got a special type of gun." " So watch it!" " I think you've broken my rib." "Gosh, you've got a big bottom!" " Eddie, tie him up." " Yeah, tie him up." " Give him a bit of his own medicine." " Then a bit of MY medicine." " You don't know what I've got yet." " I can't see the rope anywhere." " We can't see the rope anywhere." "Scared?" " Yeah!" " What about Blu-Tack?" " Yeah." "Well, no, that's a crap idea, isn't it?" " Yeah, just joshing, Chief." " Yeah." "Just toying with you, punky." " What about... sellotape?" " Do it, Eddie!" "All right, Buster, I want some answers and I want 'em damn quick." "But not so quick that I can't understand." " Richie!" " Excuse me." " What?" " Shall I make him sweat, Chief?" " How?" " An overcoat and hot water bottles." "No, we've got to break him psychologically." "Watch this." "Hello." "Excuse me." " Damn!" "What do you say?" " Nothing, just slap 'em about a bit." " Good!" "Did you train for this sort of work?" " No, but my uncle worked in a prison." " What did he do?" " Peeled potatoes, sewed mailbags..." "Right, slap him about a bit." "Off I go." "Do I look good, 'cause I feel great!" "OK, Eddie, take over." "Break the mother." " Has his mum turned up?" " No!" "Question him." "Ah." "So did you see "Emmerdale Farm" last night?" " Eddie, a word." " Excuse us." " It's the wrong question." " You think he's a "Brookside" man?" "No!" "You're an embarrassment, a real embarrassment!" "We want to look hard, and you make us look like two git-faced scaredy-cat turnips." " That's what we are." " But we don't want him to know that!" "It'll undermine our power base." "This is ridiculous." "Where are the real police?" "We haven't got the training for this." "Police, who do you think?" "Evening." "It's 11 Mafeking Parade." " Get some officers here now..." " Richie!" "We won't be needing them." "There's no burglary." "Sorry." "I must have been sleep-telephoning again." "Night!" " Christ, Eddie..." " This is worth thousands!" " Let's keep it." " No, let's flog it." " Sell up." " The Bahamas!" " Birds!" " Booze!" " Breasts!" " Busfuls of dusky maidens fulfilling every sordid..." "...whim." "And a slap-up grill for two." "Whatever you fancy!" "Let's go!" "# Oh, we're going to Barbados... #" " Wait a minute." " What?" " What about him?" " Damn!" "We'll have to get rid of him somehow." "Well, nobody knows he's here." "We could kill him." "Excuse us." "Eddie, a word." " What did you just say?" " He's outside the law, isn't he?" "I mean, he made the decision." "Are you suggesting we murder this defenceless burglar without a trial" " just so we can live the high life?" " Yes." "Bloody good idea!" "How shall we do it?" "Er, how will you do it?" "We should give him the old fish fingers." "They've been in there for months." " We had them last Thursday." " Did we?" "That's why I lost three stone." "That was you, was it?" "I've been trying to flush that for days!" "Mind you, I like the poison motif, that's very good." " What about pigeon pellets?" " You don't die from eating pigeon poo." "No, the pellets the council bunged up there to kill the pigeons." "Good idea." "I'll put the kettle on, you go and grab some." "No, Eddie, it's too dangerous." "You'll have to do it." " Why me?" " You're stupider than me." " I wish I understood that." " Hurry along." "I wonder how this endeavour will end?" "Just making a cup of tea, Mr Burglar." "Won't be long." "How's it going?" "It's a bit tricky." "I can't quite reach it from here." "If I lean on it, I'll go through." "Distribute your weight all at the same time." "Lower yourself over the area and it'll hold." "OK!" "Well, did you get it?" "Yep, here we go!" "Doesn't matter about the roof." "I mean, we'll be in grass skirts from now on." "Right!" "One lump or two, Mr Burglar?" "Here we are, three cups of steaming tea." "Let's do it!" "Lovely evening." "Eddie, take off his gag." "Where's his moustache?" "Oh, there it is." " Well, you won't be needing it anyway." " Shh!" "Eddie!" " What does he mean, I won't need it?" " Er..." "Eddie's insane." "He doesn't mean anything." "Yes, that's right!" "Er..." "Uh-huh-heeh!" "You're going to die." "See?" "Complete gibberish." "Cup of tea, Mr Burglar?" "Eddie, which one's got the...?" " The what?" " The..." " The hand in it?" " Coo!" "Coo!" "K-k-kew..." " The owl in it?" " How many syllables?" "Put his gag on and come to the corner." " No, which one's got the poison in it?" " The yellow one!" "Eddie, they're all yellow!" " It'll be one of them, then!" " But which one?" "A-ha!" "The one with the poison in!" "Right, hold this." "Right, let's get on, shall we?" "Sorry, but you'll have to drink all three." "Eddie, take off his gag." " No, you've put something in it!" " Get it down you!" "That's it." "Another two." "Right, this shouldn't take long." "Let's have a sit-down." "Not all glamour, this murdering business." "Sorry, faux pas." "Eddie, change the subject!" "Er..." "Did you know that the common gnat only lives for two hours but makes love 169 times!" "Extraordinary!" "That's the mirror opposite of my life!" "Oh, that old chestnut, love." "Ooh, I'm parched." "He's had three cups of tea and he's the burglar!" "How are you feeling?" " Police!" "Ah!" "Ah!" "Ah!" "Ah!" "Ahhh!" "Eddie, it's the bogies!" "You hide the body and I'll get rid of the police." "Hello, Officer." "Anything wrong?" "I was asleep." " We were told you were being burgled." " Oh, no!" "I've been sleep-telephoning again." "Sorry to trouble you." "Goodbye!" " Do you mind if we come in?" " I've got nothing in..." "Sure everything's OK?" "It's a bit of a mess." "Sorry, me again." "Sleep-vomiting." "A-hem!" "Good evening, Officer." "You all right?" "You have a pencil up your nose." "Oh, yes." "I've been sleep-doodling." "I'm very bad at it!" "You realise this paper's upside down, sir?" "So are my eyes!" "Hmm..." "Did you buy this conservatory in Beirut?" "Great heavens, we've been sleep-glazing again!" "Oh, bugger!" "Right, now, look, sir, I'm not sure what's going on here." "It must be someone's birthday." "But whatever it is, just STOP IT!" "OK!" "Thanks for popping round." "Well done on the Birmingham Six!" "Hurrah for the filth!" "I mean the pigs." "Er, the narks." "Damn, I'm sleep-slanging again!" "Whack him, Jenkins." " Bloody hell, that was close!" " Close?" "He got me!" "Can't get much closer than that." " Where in Hades is the body?" " A-ha!" "How fiendish!" "Eddie, a masterstroke." " How do we get him down?" " Oh..." "We'll bash him down with the broom." "No, we'll have to hook a rope round him." "We could feed him sandwiches until he puts on enough weight till the sellotape gives way." "Or we could drill holes in the bedroom floor and poke through with long thin things." "Eddie?" "What's happening?" "Where are my clothes?" "It's outrageous!" "You can see my underpants!" "Where have these mousetraps come from?" "Don't move a muscle!" " There's a note sellotaped to my knee!" " What does it say?" "Er..." ""Sue Carpenter"." "Oh, no!"