"(barking orders)" "Well, that about does it." "Hey, Sergeant Bilko, checkout!" "We didn't grind the valves." "He'll never know." "It sounds perfect." "Sergeant Bilko, checkout." "BILKO:" "Coming!" "All right, all right, look alive!" "I am, I am!" "What is it?" "Sign us out, Sergeant Bilko?" "All right, let's hear it." "(engine starts)" "Okay, shut it off." "Nice, huh?" "Let's make it nicer." "Grind the valves!" "I'm surprised at you, Private Zimmerman." "You'll never get your picture in Popular Mechanics." "Look alive." "Get on the ball." "(barks order)" "BARBELLA:" "O'Brien!" "O'Brien!" "There's a call for you at the telephone center." "O'Brien, do come back." "Yeah, Sarge." "All right, Rocco, get the men around here on the double." "HENSHAW:" "All right, you guys, let's see it here now." "BARBELLA:" "Come on!" "Fall in on the double!" "Come on!" "Let's go!" "Men, this is a gala occasion." "You all know the old platoon lucky serial number contest has been going on for some time." "Well, it's over." "The drawing just took place in my room." "Corporals Barbella and Henshaw were witnesses." "And you won again." "It's that kind of remark, Private Mullen, that's gonna keep you a private." "Corporal Barbella, will you read the name of the lucky man who won the three-day pass and all-expenses-paid vacation in Crystal Lake for three days?" ""Private First Class Duane Doberman."" "(all cheer)" "I won, I won, I won!" "First time I ever won anything in my life!" "Makes you want to cry, doesn't it?" "All right, get your fishing gear together." "But, Sarge, what about the grease job?" "Kadowski?" "Yo." "Take over Doberman's grease job." "Right, Sarge." "You lucky dog!" "All right, wash up and get out of here." "Gee, Sarge!" "Did you get that look on his face?" "Makes you feel clean inside." "Hey, Sarge, that call was from my wife." "Long-distance?" "HENSHAW:" "From Texas?" "No, she's right here in town." "That crazy ol' gal came all the way up here in her folks' trailer." "Brought the kids along with her." "Where is she?" "In a trailer camp right outside of town." "Hop in." "I'll take you over there." "But, Sarge, I gotta finish those there brakes on that jeep." "Doberman, take over O'Brien's brake job." "But Sarge!" "You got a three-day pass, haven't ya?" "!" "Three days and three nights." "Look alive!" "Sure, sure." "Rocco?" "Yo?" "Take over." "Right!" "BARBELLA:" "Okay, let's go!" "Let's get out of bed!" "Honey!" "Mike!" "Dad!" "Darling!" "Betty!" "Oh, Mike!" "At ease, soldier!" "Hiya, Mike." "Where's the rookie?" "Over here." "He's grown so." "Oh, man, he's sure getting big." "Hiya, bruiser." "He got another tooth!" "Wow!" "Gosh, Mike, we didn't expect you until..." "Oh, I'm sorry." "Honey, here he is," "Sergeant Ernest Bilko." "Hi, Mrs. O'Brien." "Sergeant Bilko, I've heard so much about you from Mike." "Daddy, says you're the best crapshooter in the whole United States Army." "Betty!" "Really, Sergeant Bilko." "That's all right." "That's all right." "That's our little Betty and this is Mike, Jr., our military expert." "Hi, Mike." "Well, hi, Mike." "Daddy says you run the finest platoon in the Army." "That's true." "Do you use the revised method on close order drill?" "What's close order drill?" "What is he talking about?" "Don't get him started on the Army." "Knows every rule in the book." "Say, speaking of the Army, we better get back to the post." "Yes." "Bye." "Hey, bye, honey." "But Mike, aren't you gonna be able to get any time off?" "Honey, I told you on the phone, all passes are out." "I'll get over here as often as I can." "Bye, kids." "Mmm!" "Aw, Peg..." "I'm sorry." "I know this is silly of me, but oh, Mike, I've missed you so much, and after driving over 700 miles..." "Peg, what you want me to do?" "Why don't you tell her?" "Tell her what?" "His sense of humor escapes me, you know what I mean?" "His idea of a big joke, it's a surprise." "Why don't you tell her you got a three-day pass starting tonight?" "Three-day pass?" "Yeah." "He didn't tell ya?" "And he's gonna arrange a vacation up at Crystal Lake." "Mike!" "Oh, ya big jerk!" "Even arranged a WAC to take care of the kids while you're gone." "But Ernie, I..." ""But Ernie, but Ernie."" "So I gave away your surprise." "So what?" "But Doberman's pass." "Doberman's Pass... you gotta go through it to get to Crystal Lake." "(chuckles)" "Well, I'm glad you're together, and I hope you're gonna drive carefully." "Look, I'll go unpack your stuff and pack it and get it over here, and I'll get the WAC to baby-sit." "Oh, listen, you like to go fishing?" "Yeah!" "I think I can get you some fishing equipment, too." "(O'Brien laughs)" "(all clamoring)" "HENSHAW:" "Wowee!" "You lucky dog, Doberman!" "Hey, a three-day pass, he's going fishing!" "Hey, Doberman, didn't you ever hear about girls?" "Watch out!" "I got a big one!" "# For he's jolly good fellow, for he's a jolly good fellow #" "# For he's a jolly good fellow... #" "Please, don't stop." "Just hearing you guys singing and that happy look on Doberman's face, that's just the pickup I need after what I've been through today." "O'Brien?" "Hmm." "His wife and three kids came all the way from Texas just to be with him, and now they can't get a pass to see him." "HENSHAW:" "No kidding?" "No way of getting him a pass at all?" "You know the rules:" "one pass to a platoon." "But thank heavens it's gone to a guy who really deserves it:" "good ol' Doberman!" "Come on, fellas." "What kind of a going away party is this?" "Let's have gaiety, let's have laughter." "(lackluster):" "# For he's a jolly good fellow #" "# For he's a jolly good... #" "I just want you to help me forget that look on Mrs. O'Brien's face and the tears in the blue-eyed adorable children's eyes when they find their daddy can't get a pass to see them." "All the way from Texas." "FENDER:" "It's a crime." "Yeah." "Men, this is sure gonna be a sad post around here with O'Brien cooped up and his loved ones on the other side of the barbed wire, and he can't be with them." "So near, and yet so far." "Oh, but Doberman, you'll be out of it, pal!" "You'll be up there on that Crystal Lake pulling in that ten-foot trout!" "Oh!" "Guy's got all the luck." "Yeah." "Some guys also got no feeling" "for their fellow soldiers." "Yeah." "First time I ever won anything in my life." "After his wife drives all the way from Texas to see him." "Those little kids of his." "Blue eyes, tears filled with..." "And crying and unhappy about their daddy..." "Oh, but let's be happy for Doberman!" "He's gonna be in that lake fishing the way he deserves to." "What are you gonna use for bait?" "Worms." "Ah, I tell you, boys, I'd be gay, too, if I could just forget the look on O'Brien's face." "Reminds me of a prison picture I once saw." "There was a guy in prison and he wanted to get out to see his wife and his kids, and he couldn't, and... he killed himself." "But let's be gay!" "Doberman's gonna have fun!" "Fun, Doberman!" "I..." "All right..." "If just I could forget the look..." "Here's the pass... here are the reservations, the fishing tackle." "Men..." "First time I ever won anything in my life." "...I have seen heroism," "I have seen bravery on the battlefield, but this gesture that this man just made," "I want to tell ya, fellas, it makes me proud..." "The reel, the reel Doberman, the reel." "Yeah." "Makes me proud, proud in here to know that this fellow thinks enough of his fellow soldier to make this sacrifice." "Makes me proud to be in the same..." "The boots, Doberman, the boots." "Get the... get the..." "get the boots off." "And do whatever Sergeant Hill tells..." "Peg, it's only a three-day pass." "Let's go!" "Bye, kids." "Bye." "Have a wonderful time." "I will." "Come on, honey." "Don't worry about anything." "Sergeant Bilko... thank you!" "Well, I'm sure I did the right thing." "Doberman would have never kissed me good-bye." "(Hill laughs)" "I could..." "Hey, hey, what are you doing?" "BETTY:" "Taking off your shoes, like we do for Daddy." "No, no, kids, I got my boys picking me up" "in a minute in a jeep." "Tell us a bedtime story." "Bedtime story?" "Yes, tell us about what you did on Kwajalein Island." "That's one of Daddy's favorites." "Oh, you mean when I charged that Japanese pillbox all by myself?" "No, how you had the foxholes wired so the men could get the Belmont race results." "Well, look, pal, I did some pretty dangerous things, too." "I know." "Daddy said you collected bets under fire." "Can you get these kids to bed?" "Sergeant Bilko's right." "Come on." "Off to bed." "Off!" "On you go." "On the double." "Good night, Daddy." "I mean, Sergeant Bilko." "Off to bed!" "(chuckles) Good night." "Oh, those kids." "The guys should be along with the jeep any minute now." "Wow, this is comfortable, isn't it?" "They sure fix these trailers up pretty slick." "Mmm, it's a regular home." "(sighs)" "Oh, it feels great." "The kids in bed?" "Mm-hmm." "Kids just never can keep their buttons on." "Sure can't, the little whippersnappers." "(Bilko laughs)" "But they're wonderful." "They sure are." "You sure they're in bed?" "Mm-hmm." "Say, Ernie..." "Yes, dear?" "Where are those guys with the jeep?" "They should have been here 20 minutes ago." "All right, where were ya?" "!" "Honest, Ernie, we looked everywhere!" "We asked every WAC on the post." "No dice." "No dice?" "What?" "Who?" "What?" "For somebody to take her place." "You're leaving." "Leaving?" "Sergeant Hill, your orders just came through." "You're to report to Fort Sill immediately." "Oh, my goodness." "You better hurry." "They're tearing the place upside down looking for ya." "Come on." "I'm sorry." "You'll have to get a replacement." "Oh, and here's the recipe for the baby's formula." "Formula?" "!" "Let's go." "Hey, wait a minute!" "You're not gonna leave me stuck out here with three kids cut off from the world, are ya?" "Geez, I almost forgot." "Hensh, give him the walkie-talkie." "Here, Sarge, if you're in trouble, just call in." "We'll alert Sergeant Grover at Signal Corps to keep a channel open." "(horn beeping)" "Coming!" "Good luck, Ernie." "Good luck." "Hey, fellas, don't..." "(sighs)" "At ease, at ease." "(baby crying)" "Rocco?" "!" "Shh!" "(crying becomes louder)" "Well, don't just stand there-- run for a doctor!" "Don't be silly!" "He just needs changing." "Changing?" "You must have seen your mother do it." "Sorry, I just do KP in this outfit." "Good night." "Changing?" "Here's a clean diaper." "You know how to change a diaper?" "I just got out of 'em myself." "Come here!" "Don't leave me alone!" "(loud crying continues)" "Hello, Grover?" "!" "It's Sergeant Bilko." "Listen, I'm stuck out here in a trailer with three kids." "This is desperate." "Look, you know Sergeant King?" "Yeah, get in touch with him." "He's married." "He's got six kids." "He'll know how to change a diaper." "Sergeant King?" "He's gone." "Last I heard of him, he was at Camp Underhill in Oklahoma." "You're desperate, huh?" "All right, hold on." "I'll see if I can locate him." "(Morse code beeping)" "GROVER:" "Camp Baxter calling Camp Underhill, Oklahoma." "Sergeant King?" "No, he was transferred to Fort Bigelow, New Jersey." "What?" "A soldier's kid in trouble?" "Hang on." "(Morse code beeping)" "What?" "Sergeant King?" "Nah, he was just here awaiting shipment overseas." "He's with 21st Regiment-- Berlin, Germany." "What?" "Hold it!" "(oscillating tone)" "Trenton" " TWX, overseas line." "Communications Center, Berlin, Germany." "Emergency!" "Communications Center, Berlin." "Come in, Trenton." "Who?" "Sergeant King?" "No, he's home." "He lives on Koenigstrasse near..." "What?" "Oh, right away." "Operator" "(speaking German)" "(speaking German)" "(phone ringing)" "Sergeant King." "What?" "Kid in Kansas?" "Change a diaper?" "What...?" "Okay, wait." "I'll call my wife." "Hold on, Bilko." "They're waking up his wife." "Help is on the way." "Baby in Kansas needs a diaper change?" "I never heard of such a thing." "Just tell him how to change it so the whole Army can get some sleep." "Hello?" "Well, he'll need a diaper, pins and talcum powder." "A fresh diaper, some pins and some talcum powder." "Diaper, pins, talcum powder." "Diaper, pins and talcum powder." "Bilko, you need a fresh diaper, pins and talcum powder." "Take apex of triangle, have all flanks meet." "Go ahead, got it." "All flanks together." "What?" "Pin." "Pin, pin, pin, pin." "Got the pin." "Oh, connect triangle." "All right, wait a minute." "All right, triangle completed." "Okay, go on." "What?" "What?" "That's all?" "The baby is diapered?" "Thank you, Grover." "The baby's diapered." "Baby's diapered." "All right, Mrs. King, you can go back to bed now." "Good night." "I didn't know Bilko was married." "SERGEANT KING:" "Will you come back to bed?" "(baby crying)" "Bilko?" "Oh, not again." "What?" "Wake up Rocco and Henshaw and send them over there in a jeep?" "Bilko, are you out of your mind?" "Bringing kids into the barracks-- you'll get life!" "(toy bugle playing reveille)" "What are they doing, getting you up at 2:00 in the morning now?" "What is this, a fire drill?" "Hey, what's going on here?" "(all grumbling)" "Oh, it's a kid." "What's a kid doing in the barracks?" "(clamoring)" "Hey, Sarge, what's going on?" "Guys-- you never saw a small draftee before?" "Take it easy." "Small draftee?" "Well, he's a small draftee!" "Hello." "(gasping)" "BILKO:" "Where is she?" "Where is she?" "Hey, Sarge, what's going on?" "Two kids in the barracks?" "A small WAC." "Relax." "(baby crying)" "Freeze, freeze." "All right, now you know." "Those are O'Brien's kids in there." "O'Brien...?" "(clamoring)" "Shh." "Quiet." "You brought O'Brien's kids here?" "Now here's the layout-- we got to keep 'em hidden till I can find somebody to watch over them." "Now here's what I'll do-- if you'll all cooperate..." "Roll call." "Doberman." "Yo." "Gander." "Galinka..." "Here." "Here." "Paparelli." "Kadowski..." "Present." "Yo." "Zimmerman." "Thomas..." "Here." "Yo." "All present and accounted for, sir." "That'll be all." "(baby crying)" "What was that?" "It's Corporal Barbella homesick." "Oh, that's too bad." "I'm sorry to hear that." "Lieutenant, this thing at the motor pool, there's two trucks." "I told the boys to get rid of the small one." "Get rid of the small one." "I told them to get rid of the small one, the small..." "Well, that's something you'll have to decide for yourself, Bilko." "Hey, where is she?" "!" "Where is she?" "!" ""Where is she?"" "Uh, dialect-- he never could get rid of it." "(imitates Barbella):" ""Where is she, where i...?"" "Here she is-a." "(Italian accent):" "Oh, here-a she is-a, Lieutenant." "Here-a she is." "Oh!" "Well, thank you." "Oh, uh, Corporal, I know just how you feel." "I get homesick myself." "(normal voice):" "What's he talking about?" "Never mind." ""Where is she, where is she?"" "Watch that." "Even a lieutenant could get wise to you." "Well, where is she?" "Who... where's..." "Betty?" "Betty?" "Now, look, honey... now, listen." "You got to stay as quiet as a mouse." "But, Sergeant Bilko, I want someone to play with." "Freeze, freeze." "Private Doberman, front and center." "(barking orders)" "Play with her." "But Sarge." "That's an order." "Tag-- you're it." "After her." "On the double." "(Betty shouts)" "Now look, men, here's what we got to do-- you listen to me, we'll get out of this all right." "Attaboy, Doberman." "(barks orders)" "Attaboy." "Here's what we do-- we can arrange this thing if we all cooperate." "Now, at the motor pool, who takes charge of the small parts?" "Okay, you're taking care of the baby." "Now, look, here's the formula." "Get down to Mess Sergeant Sowici and have him make up this formula." "(barking orders)" "Now listen, you guys, this will all work out if..." "Sergeant Bilko..." "(yelling)" "What's the matter with you, kid?" "You crazy?" "Don't flash a gun around here." "You'll have them surrendering to each other." "All right, you commandos, back in line." "On the double." "Sergeant, who are these men?" "You don't know?" "This is your daddy's platoon." "My...?" "Company "B," Third Platoon, motor pool detail." "My daddy's platoon?" "BILKO:" "Yes, sir." "These..." "What's the matter, son?" "My daddy said he was in the best platoon in the Army." "Look at them." "Well, look, kid, you got to understand-- these are not parade soldiers." "This is a motor pool detail." "Gee, you can't..." "Can I dismiss them for breakfast?" "Breakfast?" "You mean before you inspect their barracks?" "Why don't you read comic books like the other kids?" "I'm sorry." "You know, the kid may be right." "Some..." "Fender, just noticing you." "Is that a camouflage outfit you got on?" "Baseball hat, Hawaiian shirt, O.D. pants, tennis shoes?" "How long you been wearing that?" "11 years." "11 years." "Well, it's lucky I caught it in time." "Get on the ball, Fender." "Hey, listen, Henshaw." "Yo." "Check on that formula, okay?" "I'll go and find a WAC" "to baby-sit with the kids." "Right, Sarge." "The kid's right-- we're a bunch of slobs." "Come on, mops and pails." "Let's get this pigpen clean." "Come on, let's do something." "(murmuring agreement)" "Now don't put in too much." "I'm not, I'm not, I'm not." "The recipe says only six ounces." "I'm... six ounces-- that's what I'm doing." "Looks all right, don't it?" "Looks like too much to me." "Hey, Sarge, it's time to start the beef stew." "The beef stew can wait." "I got to make this formula for O'Brien's baby." "But Sarge, we've been waiting since 9:00." "Look, this ain't chipped beef on toast." "This takes time." "Eh... that don't look so good." "Let's start all over again." "Now, now look, you got to put in eight ounces." "See, measure it." "Measure, measure." "What am I supposed to do?" "I'm an Army cook." "I never worked with ounces before." "Gallons, yes." "Pails full, shovels full-- that I know." "For a thousand men, I know exactly, but for one baby..." "Ounces, who ever heard of oun...?" "Sarge, we gotta start the stew." "Listen, you, give me that pail." "Sarge, what are you going to do?" "Cancel the stew." "The whole camp is eating formula." "You think I'd be able to find one WAC to help us..." "Oh, excuse me." "How do you like that?" "Eight years on this post, I walk into the wrong barracks." "Excuse me, fellas." "Hey, Ernie, this is our barracks." "What are you talking...?" "It can't be our barracks." "It smells so nice." "Look at those clean bunks." "These must be OCS..." "Kadowski?" "Kadowski!" "Hey, dig this one." "Who, who, who's it, who who, who?" "Gander." "Gander!" "This is, uh..." "Don't tell me, don't tell me." "Um, Mullen, right?" "Ha-ha!" "This is great." "This one I never saw before in my life." "I'm Fender, Sarge." "Fender!" "Isn't this tremendous." "A real grabber, isn't it?" "(cackling)" "Oh, guys, you couldn't have made me more proud." "This is wonderful." "Ten-shun!" "." "Eyes right." "Ready, eyes front." "Parade rest." "Great." "Get that kid, and I'll really show him." "Look, fellas, like we did in Guam." "In three cadence, remember?" "We drove the Air Corps crazy, remember?" "Arch your back." "Son, I want you to meet the members of your father's platoon." "Gosh, Sergeant Bilko, Daddy didn't lie." "It is the best platoon in the Army." "Yes, sirree." "Can I go out and watch them march?" "No, no, no." "You got to stay hidden, don't you see?" "Your daddy... if they see you, they'll know your daddy's got Doberman's pass." "You mean my father is AWOL?" "Absent without official leave?" "Just technically." "Where are you?" "Where are you?" "Oh, listen, where's her playmate?" "Where's Dober...?" "Come here." "Here he is." "Okay." "There you are." "Now you're it, Doberman." "Yeah, that's right." "But, Sarge, my feet." "Go after her." "On the double." "(barking orders)" "Here we go, go, go." "There you go." "Hup, hup, hup." "Men, I'm really proud of you." "Come on, you remember the drill in cadence?" "Remember we drove them crazy in Guam?" "The Air Corps was envious, right?" "(barking orders)" "You don't remember, huh?" "(barking orders)" "A child to see me?" "Here at the post?" "Well, send him in." "Colonel Hall?" "Yes." "I wish to report a deserter." "A deserter?" "My own father." "Well, I don't understand." "You see, Sergeant Bilko..." "Bilko?" "Now I understand." "Let's go." "First command, stiff, brace." "That's the first..." "BARBELLA:" "Where is he?" "What?" "Where is he?" "!" "Where's the kid?" "!" "The kid?" "Where's the kid?" "Where's the kid?" "!" "Go look for him." "(confused murmuring)" "(all shouting)" "Will you get on the ball, all you guys?" "And, Henshaw, I want you to go all over the base, and..." "Listen, can you find the kid?" "He looks about like..." "Attention!" "Sergeant Bilko." "Colonel Hall." "This is heartwarming." "The whole platoon in class-A uniforms, when they should be in fatigues." "I just dropped by to check." "Beds made, barracks clean, everything shipshape." "(laughing)" "Sir, I'd like to explain about..." "I know-- small WAC." "(baby crying)" "I know" " Corporal Barbella is still homesick." "Doberman!" "Bilko, in 24 hours, you've broken almost every rule in the Army regulations." "So what difference does it make if I break one more?" "I'm permitting a woman to enter the barracks." "A woman?" "Nell." "Jack, where are they?" "Where are the children?" "Here's one." "Well, where are the others?" "Bilko, I know the whole story." "Anderson." "Yes, sir." "Give Private Doberman his three-day pass." "Thank you, sir." "Good fishing, Doberman." "Jack, they are adorable." "(chuckles)" "Bilko, when O'Brien gets back, he can pick up his family at my quarters." "That's if he can get them back from my wife." "Your wife's a fine..." "Bilko!" "Don't... don't ever let this happen again." "Holy smokes." "Oh, easy, Sergeant." "How you feeling?" "I can't take much more of this." "Take it easy." "Look at me, fellas, I'm all shot." "Sarge..." "Two days, two nights without sleep." "Sarge, you got to get away for a couple of days." "I need a rest, I need a rest." "How?" "There's no more passes." "No more passes." "Doberman has got one." "Doberman has got a pass?" "No, that's his pass, I couldn't." "Oh, I'm..." "I don't care what happens to me." "A sergeant's got to give his life for his men." "My heart..." "Sarge." "I don't think I can stand..." "My heart..." "Easy..." "If I don't get a rest..." "It's in here, in here." "Oh, I can't." "I-I..." "No, no, Doberman, you belong out there on Crystal Lake." "No, Doberman, I couldn't." "I couldn't take this..." "ANNOUNCER:" "Doberman was played by Maurice Gosfield," "Zimmerman by Mickey Freeman." "Paparelli was played by Billy Sands."