"Okay Dove, move closer to your sister." "Mom, give me a big smile." "Great." "We're beautiful!" "Now let's get one with the groom." "Where is Nathan?" "Nathan?" "Nathan?" "Sweetie?" "Stan, could you make this quick?" "I'm kind of in the middle of something." "Katya, I'm in jail, I'm your tax accountant... and you're probably going to get audited." "ls that good enough?" "Your point is?" "You need to start a tax journal... and write down all of your expenses." "Darling, I'm not the bookkeeper." "I have a frantic social calendar, a thriving career... and a scandalous love life." "Well, unless you want to add 'imminent prison sentence', you'll do it." "Also..." "Katya?" "Oh my God!" "What are you doing?" "Taking a breather." "The best man really lives up to his title." "He's not the best man!" "I'm Nathan, the groom." "My God." "I'm sorry." "I really am." "I missed the wedding." "Just got here." "Great!" "You found him!" "Thank you." "Congratulations." "Good afternoon, everyone." "Katya..." "Katya!" "Katya, wait!" "Would you stop stalking me?" "It's over, okay!" "Don't I have a restraining order?" "Yes." "Sweetie, come on..." "I'll never get a girl." "It's a great deal, man." "How much?" "Which one?" "The Dalmation." "Fifty." "Twenty." "Forty." "Twenty!" "Thirty." "Twenty." "Come on, Darling, don't pout." "Every socialite in San Francisco is going to see me with that bag." "Honestly, you should be paying me." "First entry of stupid tax journal..." "Nazi accountant is forcing me to keep." "Mont Blanc pen to write down expenditures: two hundred dollars." "Bang  Olufson mini-recorder... since Mont Blanc chipped manicure:" "free, as pilfered from office." "Spent two thousand dollars on wear and return gown for Dove's wedding." "Worn to wedding, funeral and bar mitzvah." "Still has tag, and luckily, no stains." "Thank God for 30 day return policy." "A tax journal?" "Something about 'over declared business expenses.'" "I don't know, who has the time?" "If you still need write-offs, you should reconsider adopting Sabelo." "Who?" "The orphan from Uganda I was telling you about." "You can sponsor him through Youth Aid, the non-profit I volunteer for." "Eliza, I told you I barely have time to keep a journal... let alone breast feed an orphan." "He's eight." "You can't smoke in here." "You know what?" "You're better than the patch." "So, how was your date last night?" "Horrible." "He fell into a manhole and now he's suing me." "Let me guess." "The Curse of Namambo?" "I haven't had a boyfriend in three years because of it." "When it's going to wear off?" "Elevator's here." "I don't know when it's going to end, but that's what you get when... you try to pay a West Indies high priestess ten bucks to do you cornrows." "I thought I was supporting the local economy!" "It just goes to show you you try to do a good deed... and you end up with a voodoo curse that cripples potential husbands." "This is why I avoid philanthropy." "Good morning." "Good morning, Eliza." "Katya, you're late." "By, like, five minutes, Gatekeeper." "Where'd you get that bag?" "I went to Lulu Guinness and I bought it." "They cost a fortune." "Darling, don't you know that looking good is everything?" "No matter how much it costs?" "Nevermind." "Wait!" "I made seaweed snacks." "They're totally organic." "No sugar, no flour..." "No fun." "Sorry." "She doesn't mean it." "Who the hell are you?" "I'm Sebastian." "Sebastian who?" "What is that thing in my office?" "What thing?" "That pre-pubescent thing in my office?" "You must mean the new hire?" "Mr. Cosgrove will be in shortly to explain it to you." "How am I supposed to get any work done with someone breathing next to me?" "It is an office for two people, Katya." "I do not need this right now!" "I will be in boss-man's office." "You are not allowed." "Not allowed?" "You know, actually, I forgot..." "I got you a little something." "Lulu Guinness?" "For me?" "Stan, darling, if I adopt a Third World child... can I claim an exemption as a single mother?" "Adopt?" "You mean you're going to be a mom?" "No, silly." "It's like rent-a-kid." "That Sally Struthers thing, 'for 79 cents a day, blah blah'" "Thank god." "I mean, I'm moved by your selflessness." "So, yes or no on the exemption?" "No." "But the IRS loves charitable deductions." "So do it." "Now this is really important..." "Hello." "Katya, what are you doing in my office?" "Don't you want to talk to me about that child in my office?" "As a matter of fact I would like to talk to you about that." "It seems that you have now scared away another assistant art director." "And this time in a record two weeks." "It is not my fault that she couldn't handle the competition... or that I'm a good eleven pounds thinner." "Is this a bad time?" "This is a perfect time." "Come on in." "Come on in." "Now you can meet our new assistant art director." "This is Sebastian." "It's a pleasure to meet you." "I'm sure it is." "Lyle, if you had consulted me first..." "I might've suggested someone old enough to take clients to drinks." "Actually, I'll be twenty-one in a month." "Whatever he lacks in age, he more than makes up for in brains." "He's a smart kid, you know he graduated from your Alma Mater." "Stanford?" "Of course." "Can I have a word with you?" "Alone?" "Sure, I'll just be in our office." "It's such an honor to meet you." "Our office?" "I'm not sharing an office with that tween!" "This is an ad agency, not Romper Room!" "Will you hold that thought while you're stepping away from my desk?" "Thank you." "Look, Katya, I tried to find someone with real experience... but the truth is no one will work with you." "Your reputation proceeds you." "Really?" "Stop that." "It's not good to be known as a prima donna." "Even though my last Campbell's campaign doubled their sales." "You're the one who told me you needed help with the workload." "You have Dr. Bolls tomorrow at noon." "Take him under your wing." "Use him however you need." "However I need?" "He's a dead man." "Carrot celery and wheatgrass for me, thank you." "Non-fat milk." "What is that?" "Baryshnikov." "What's that?" "Skinny white Russian." "I thought you couldn't do lunch because you had too many errands?" "Darling, that's what a cabana boy is for." "Sebastian!" "After dropping off my drycleaning... he cleaned my make-up brushes... and then took the rest of his lunch off to pick up my birth control." "Katya!" "That's horrible!" "He's an assistant, not a slave." "Of course he's not." "I would never take advantage of him." "He does have a nice ass." "This is why you can never keep a relationship, you objectify men." "He's not a man." "He's a boy." "And the reason that I have trouble keep a relationship... is because the men I go out with are not worthy of my inner goddess." "Your standards are way too high." "What is wrong with wanting a man that has the looks of George Clooney... the real estate of Donald Trump... and the bank account of Bill Gates?" "Because, for the hundredth time, he doesn't exist!" "Yes he does." "I just haven't found him yet." "And until I do, I'm prepared to be a single mother." "Excuse me?" "I'm ready to adopt Sabelo." "Katya, I'm so thrilled!" "You're making a difference in a child's life." "What do I have to do to get the write-off?" "PS:" "That Aunt Jemima thing out." "Kapish?" "'I'm always dressed in head-to-toe designer... prefer platinum to white gold... and frequent all the best restaurants in San Francisco.'" "Katya, the child lives in a dung hut." "I know!" "And he lists his favorite hobby as 'eating'." "So we already have so much in common!" "Listen, I'm happy to help with your personal stuff... but I also really want to help you on your campaign, please." "Dookie..." "You've already got so much on your plate it makes me tired." "Anyhow, I think I'm going to take a ciggie break... while you finish up my 'to do' list." "I thought you were quitting?" "It's not lit." "But don't tell anyone." "I don't want to miss out on the break." "Speaking of, time's up." "You coming?" "I'm not finished." "Je ne sais quoi, check." "I didn't know what size you wanted, so I got you the super pack." "Do I know you?" "Good afternoon." "Gas chamber or lethal injection?" "I am on a break." "I'm sorry." "Next up, Melissa Rivers on In the Know." "Watch out San Francisco!" "You have no ideal what's coming your way..." "Socialite sisters Dove and Fawn Greenstein... well, they sent out these keys." "Invitations to the Royal Ball, the biggest party to hit this city, ever." "Anyone who is anyone is gonna be here benefitting Youth Aid International." "It's going to be the most exclusive party... more exclusive than Oprah's fiftieth... more decadent than Puffy's White Party!" "And this key, this will open the front door..." "Where's my key?" "to Covington Castle." "Had to call best friends Ferguson and Frangipani." "Meet me at 17th and Market Street!" "It's an emergency!" "Maybe it's in the mail..." "You're right." "I have to be invited." "You're definitely invited." "Teddy, why is it so freezing in here?" "You should've dressed accordingly." "lt's June!" "Come on, it's called lgloo." "There's two more ice-tinis." "I mean why wouldn't I be invited?" "Will you stop!" "You're definitely invited, okay." "And in case you're wondering..." "I think that I'm in love." "Okay, I'll bite, who is he?" "Hans." "I told you not to mix business with pleasure." "Please." "Office romances are trés common, sweetie." "You are an escort, darling." "Not an insurance salesman." "Okay, whatever..." "Sorry I'm late." "I was speed dating for a billionaire." "You just got divorced from your fourth husband three weeks ago." "But I'm so lonely." "I hate being single." "I don't know how you two do it." "So, what's the emergency?" "The Royal Ball!" "Will you tell her that she's invited, please?" "Of course she's not invited." "Dove Greenstein hates you." "She does not hate me!" "Fergie, does she hate me?" "No, she..." "Well... you tried to sleep with her ex-husband before he was an ex..." "That was months ago." "People move on." "I did not sleep with him he was up my dress." "I've been meaning to ask you to read this novel I've been working on." "Hello?" "In the middle of a crisis here." "I don't want to bug you." "You already are." "It would mean a lot of me if you would read it and give me some notes." "And the grant deadline's in two weeks... and twenty-five thousand dollars is a lot of money." "Twenty five thousand dollars?" "What do I get out of it?" "What do you mean?" "I mean how long do we all get free drinks?" "You know what, they've been really cracking down on us... make it 3 month and you've got a deal." "Drop this off at my office." "Next round..." "Why me?" "Because you're too charitable for your own good, that's why." "Now see, why don't you do tell that to Dove Greenstein?" "Don't worry." "These socialite soirees are so overrated." "That's an invite to the Royal Ball!" "I was just trying to make you feel better." "How could you think that I was going to miss the party of the century?" "Anyone who's anyone will be there." "Well, except for her." "I'm kidding." "Who cares about the stupid party, anyway?" "I do." "That invite better be in my mail at work." "If it's not, my life is over." "I'll be banished to social Siberia." "Too bad you burned your Uggs." "You're really overreacting here." "No I am not." "Take it from someone in advertising." "Image is everything." "Katya, your Dr. Boll's presentation has been moved up... to nine a.m. tomorrow morning." "Don't be late." "Work." "What an unpleasant interruption." "Especially after spending entire evening building a buzz." "Which reminds me drinks at lgloo: free." "Thanks to agreement with bartender." "Initial contribution towards adopted child: 79 cents... new La Perla thong:" "ninety dollars... soiled current one after running into man of my dreams on smoke break." "Have yet to learn his name, but will refer to him as 'Thor'... because of Viking good looks..." "Am anticipating many expenses for upcoming Royal Ball." "Can't believe Ferguson and Frangipani think it's okay not to go." "But what else should I expect from a musical theater queen male escort... or my Korean ex-nail tech turned-black widow billionairess?" "Only fourteen days 'til the ball." "Must be brilliant, as have several reasons to get to work before noon." "Dr. Bolls..." "Dr. Bole's..." "they're heaven for your soles." "You were great." "You make..." "What happened to Nemo and the bosses fish?" "What does it look like?" "Poor Lyle, I mean Mr. Cosgrove..." "He's really upset." "We're going to send them for an autopsy." "So, obviously you got my message last night." "After last call." "I stayed up all night working on my presentation." "I'm going to go in there and talk to my very pleased boss." "I'm allergic to feathers." "Could you hold this?" "To the fish." "Lyle, I just heard... but come on, why the long face?" "We just had a home run." "You were perfect, as always, my little angel." "So, the good news is Rice-A-Roni is looking for a new image... they're going to need a new advertising agency." "Now I've already given the market research... and all the product lines to Sebastian." "Hold on..." "I want you to present." "When?" "Next week." "Is that an invite to the Royal Ball?" "Yes, it is." "I donate to Youth Aid International." "So do I!" "Well then I guess I'll see you there." "I wouldn't miss it for the world." "Good." "Then that night we can celebrate you landing Rice-A-Roni." "Whatever." "Sorry." "How did Lyle get tickets to the ball and I didn't?" "Because he's a six-figure donor to Youth Aid." "So far, you've only contributed seventy-nine cents." "I have an idea." "Why don't you volunteer with me." "We'd have so much fun." "Working the event is worse than not going at all!" "Goofball." "What are you doing?" "I'm working." "I told you, there's no time for that!" "Go fetch me a nonfat latte and a nicotine patch, pronto!" "I have a very important meeting in half an hour." "With a client?" "He has clients..." "After spending twelve dollars on cab ride to house boat at Fisherman's... and a buck ninety-nine on Charles Shaw wine..." "Was forced to descend on Ferguson who's trying to kill himself again... over another client turned lover." "Fergie..." "He's not here..." "Ferguson!" "Go away." "I'm coming in." "No, not again..." "Spare me the Sylvia Plath." "The oven's electric." "Lemme guess." "Hans?" "Listen to me, he's a no-good German cheapskate!" "You need a boyfriend who's going to love you... no matter how much you cost!" "Now am I right or am I right?" "Smile." "Do it." "Do it." "Since ninth grade, when I took you under my wing... have I ever steered you wrong?" "Well..." "Other than the home perm thing?" "Good." "Then let's not cry over spilled German." "Come on." "What?" "Now on to more pressing issues..." "I need you to call Dove Greenstein and pretend to be my assistant." "Don't you have an assistant?" "But not with your wit, or your charm, or unique flair." "I get it, I get it." "You need your gay assistant to call, I understand." "Dial the number." "Watch the magic, baby." "This is why we're friends." "Okay, it's ringing." "Greenstein residence." "Hi." "This is Ferguson from Katya Livingston's office." "With whom am I speaking?" "This is Laurie." "Hi Laurie, how are you?" "Fine, and you?" "I'm doing fine thank you very much." "Laurie look, we were just going over Katya's schedule... we were wondering, she didn't get an invite to the Royal Ball..." "We're hoping it was some sort of..." "Probably was some sort of oversight." "Probably some sort of oversight." "That's what we were thinking." "Will you please hold?" "I will absolutely hold." "You want to thank me now?" "Hi, Fergie is it?" "This is Dove Greenstein." "Miss Greenstein, how are you?" "Just so you hear it from the horse's mouth." "There's been no oversight." "There's been no oversight?" "Dove, darling?" "Hi, it's Katya." "I just caught the tail end of your conversation with my assistant." "What seems to be the trouble?" "Katya, darling." "There's no trouble." "I was just explaining how we didn't include you on our guest list." "You know how these things are, dear." "We had to cut it off somewhere... so we cut it off at those who'd slept with our husbands." "But you made so much money off the infidelity clause!" "I know, but when you leaked my real age to the Gazette..." "Dove, no one's 29." "I am!" "Anyways, now that the Sultan of Brunei is bringing his harem... well, we're absolutely at capacity." "But take care dear." "Good to chat." "Are you okay?" "No!" "The Sultan of Brunai is bringing his hoes... and I'm not invited!" "So what are you going to do?" "Sweetie... it's electric." "Remember?" "Oh my God." "I'm going to get a huge fine." "I'll fix it for you." "Here, hold this." "Alright." "Thanks." "Thank you." "Going up?" "You're so uncool!" "Met Thor the love God in elevator today." "Electric Smile teeth whitener thirty five dollars." "And quit smoking again." "Hoping he works in the building." "Got to get Eliza to help me hunt him down." "Please God, don't let him be married." "Darling, can you get me a list of every man under 35... on the fourth floor?" "My future husband works there." "You found someone who lives up to your expectations?" "At least in the looks department he's very leading man." "Katya." "Forget about a fantasy guy." "What if I set you up with my attorney?" "You want me to go out with somebody who specializes in personal injury?" "He's at the top of his field." "Trust me, he's a catch." "Then why don't you date him?" "I forgot, Curse of Namambo." "And the fact that he eats meat." "You don't want to go out with him because he's not a vegetarian... and I don't want to go out with him because I'm engaged." "Fourth floor, remember?" "Come on." "Look who's late." "Is that a mirage, or are you really wearing a parka?" "I was trying to dress 'accordingly.'" "lgloo's so last week." "The ice age is so over." "So, how was your grovel-fest with Dove?" "It was a disaster." "I should've known that bitch would hold a grudge." "She retains everything else." "Do I smell something burning?" "Is something burning?" "lt was me." "lt was you." "The only way I'm going to get into this ball is to be someone's 'plus one?" "'" "Sorry." "My ex won the 'plus one' in the divorce." "Hey, guys." "Teddy, darling, since when did you start working here?" "Since I got frost bite at lgloo." "So, have you read my opus yet?" "I did." "Yeah." "In fact, I mailed it to the NEA." "No, but I wanted to proof it!" "It's a $25,000 grant." "No need." "Thanks, I guess." "No thanks necessary, just Sand-tinis." "Coming right up." "His book was terrible." "So I just chucked it and submitted my tax journal instead." "You did what?" "At least someone has a chance to win the twenty-five grand." "Now believe me, I did him and the NEA a favor." "So now he owes you one?" "Precisely." "It's too bad he didn't get invited to the Royal Ball." "Of course not." "He's a nobody." "Oh my God!" "What?" "You just thought of a 'nobody' who might actually be invited." "Who?" "Bobby, my ex." "He was Dove and Fawn's dealer." "Art?" "Drug." "Don't you have a restraining order against him, sweetie?" "Didn't he tattoo 'I Love Katya' on his back?" "He lasered that off I think." "You know he's crazy for you." "Like literally crazy for you." "You're no one in this town, unless you have a stalker." "Bobby, my actor ex-boyfriend... played Ewok 4 in Return of the Jedi with such promise." "Now he's a rabbit." "Want to come to my place and hump like bunnies?" "You big silly rabbit... that's right, tricks are for Katya." "Somebody's excited to see me, Bobby." "Who's Bobby?" "What?" "Who's Bobby?" "You're not Bobby?" "Get out!" "Why does this always happen to me?" "Bobby, darling, guess who?" "Want to come over tonight?" "Looks like Cinderella was finally getting closer to her Ball." "My shrink said I shouldn't see you." "You're bad for my mental well being." "He just wants your money." "You're not gonna call the cops..." "I invited you here." "So how's the acting thing going?" "Real good." "I got the bunny character down." "In rehab, they said sex might not be the same without the drugs." "But with you, it's still magic." "Rehab?" "Six months at Healing Horizons." "I'm clean as a whistle." "So, you don't deal anymore?" "No." "I'm a changed man." "So, you don't see Dove and Fawn anymore?" "Those girls are bad news." "So, you're not invited to the Royal Ball?" "No." "What's with the inquisition, honey?" "Nothing." "I just have a quick phone call to make." "But I love you, Katya, I love you!" "Thank you, officer." "But you promised!" "Must find a new way into Ball... as chariot just turned into pumpkin." "No expenses worth reporting, except for the cost of my dignity." "Could you shut the door?" "We'll always be together, forever." "Knit, one." "Pearl, two." "Good morning." "Good morning." "Wait!" "Organic prunes." "Organic prunes." "That'll keep me regular." "How was your date last night?" "It ended in handcuffs as usual." "Yours?" "He broke his ankle, but at least he's not suing." "Look!" "You got a postcard from Sabelo!" "Who?" "Your adopted son!" "I was wondering when he was going to ask for more money." "Listen, I'll be in my other office." "You are not allowed in Mr. Cosgrove's office!" "I need a moment alone with my son!" "Dear Katya, thank you for adopting me... and sending me your wonderful letter." "You sound fun." "Is it true that if I stopped listening to the missionaries..." "I won't go hungry all the time... and could earn as much money as you some day?" "Hope to hear from you soon." "Love, Sabelo." "P.S. Can I call you mommy?" "Look at that." "That's where my son lives." "Right there." "Yes." "You know what?" "You want a treat?" "I could be your mommmy." "Yeah, here you go." "There you go." "A treat for you." "You know what you'd make?" "New shoes for Katya." "Good morning, dear Sebastian." "We've a very busy day ahead of us." "I need you to run down to the bookstore and pick me up a copy... of Running a Small Business For Profit for my son." "I don't think so." "Do you know where Sebastian is?" "Say hello to the real Sebastian." "What are you doing?" "I'm looking for the cameras..." "Katya, I'm dead serious." "Look, Sebastian..." "darling..." "You may be very good at playing dress-up... but you have no idea with whom you are dealing." "What do you know about advertising?" "I know your position at Liquid requires the least amount of work... for the most amount of money." "And I also know you won't be in that position much longer." "My cabana boy is trying to take my job!" "Can you imagine someone so ruthless... that they'd stab their own mentor in the back?" "If I remember correctly, that's how you got your..." "I'm not that worried about it." "I could eat the twerp for lunch." "Speaking of, let's take one." "Are we really spending the entire lunch hour in the elevator?" "He's bound to get on at some point." "There's more than one elevator." "Better odds than Vegas." "Now push four again." "We're going down." "But I get motion sickness." "Isn't it easier to just go to the fourth floor?" "And do what?" "Wander about aimlessly?" "That's so desperate." "And riding the elevator hoping to run into him isn't?" "I don't think you're one to give advice there, Voodoo Queen." "Hello, fourth floor." "Are you okay?" "I'm so embarrassed." "No, it's fine." "Can I get you anything?" "That's okay." "That tie would make me sick too." "Thank you." "Free seats." "Excuse me." "Coming through." "Ditch the umbrella." "It is so last season." "No I can't." "I don't want to get my sutures wet." "Why would you do that?" "Your pecs are fine!" "They are not fine." "One was a little bit bigger than the other one." "I demand that you take 'Extreme Makeover' off your Tivo." "You have developed body dysmorphic disorder." "I do not!" "Learn to love yourself and just stop trying to be someone you're not." "No you didn't!" "Yes I did." "No you didn't, girl." "Yes I did." "Teddy, darling, when did you start working here?" "Since I got skin cancer at Dune." "I have a great plastic surgeon, if you ever need to get a mole removed." "Thanks, but I can't afford health insurance right now." "So Katya, I called the NEA." "They never got my book." "What are you insinuating?" "Just drop it, Katya!" "I can see right through you!" "You think I want to be slinging drinks my whole life?" "You're so good at it!" "Don't fight that." "Now can we have two Rain-tinis?" "You're cut off." "What?" "You just lost your drinking privileges." "What about me?" "You're with her." "Thanks a lot." "You see what you just did?" "Sorry." "I have major gossip!" "About who?" "Dove Greenstein." "My God!" "Tell me everything!" "I don't know." "I'm not one to spread rumors." "Give it up or I will tell him about your working class past!" "I thought you were a princess from Korea?" "I am!" "Let's just say Dove has a hairy little secret." "Dove not only is a brunette, she's a virtual Sasquatch!" "She has a standing appointment every Thursday at noon!" "She even gets her back done!" "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" "Blackmail the ape with photographic evidence!" "lt's like we share a brain." "I know." "But you'll never get an appointment." "There's a waiting list." "Don't worry, darling." "Where there's a will, there's a Katya." "Okay Karino, Ciao." "Hello, darling." "We'd like to get our hair done." "Do you have an appointment?" "No." "Did I need one?" "This is Arq." "You need one six months ago." "I'm sure you can make an exception?" "This is San Francisco, sweetie." "You're not my type." "You're up." "I'm sorry." "You have to excuse my friend." "She's new in town." "Obviously." "But you and I both know that a man in your position... not's just going to bend the rules..." "I'm sorry, sweetie." "You're not my type, either." "Now what?" "Plan B." "I don't think we've actually been introduced." "I'm Katya Livingston." "Katya, my name is Geoffrey." "Very pleased to meet you." "I think we have a cancellation, right now." "Look at that." "You know something maybe you are my type after all." "This way." "Thank you." "No problem." "Where are you doing in a smock?" "I'm having my eyebrows done." "This is about work!" "Not primping!" "But there's a six month waiting list to get into this place." "If we're going to be undercover, we should probably blend in here." "Good point." "Of course it is." "She's undressing as we speak." "There you go, sweetie." "Good luck." "You're going to get some work on your brows?" "Yes I am." "Well I'm the receptionist... but I'm also the eyebrow specialist." "Fantastic." "Would you like me to work on you?" "I would." "We're going to give you an arc." "Maybe do some tweezing over here." "I'm going to pluck you so good, poppy." "What are we waiting for?" "Right here, baby." "This is my house." "This is your house?" "You're invited." "We want to lighten the color of your hair of your eyebrows a little bit." "I want to feature these eyes." "You have a beautiful face, you know." "Thank you." "What was your name?" "Ferguson." "Ferguson, that's a beautiful name." "That's fantastic." "Can we help you, miss?" "I have a twelve o'clock appointment." "It must be downstairs." "This is the VIP section." "I am VIP." "No, you're not." "You're black." "And VIPs are red." "I must've grabbed the wrong smock." "Color blind." "Nice try." "My God." "Is he going to go blind?" "Go!" "Hurry." "I'll go with you." "Somebody help me!" "Keep going." "You know what?" "I'm totally fine." "It was my fault." "I'm so sorry." "That was weird." "I thought it was burning." "Well, I couldn't see..." "Helga, is that you?" "'Ja.'" "Can we start with my back?" "I'm feeling really sensitive today." "So, please be gentle." "I said gentle!" "Anyway, did I tell you about the... party that I'm throwing..." "It's going to be totally insane." "My daddy's hired these Israeli army guys to keep out the trash." "Seriously, Helga!" "At this rate I won't be able to wear my backless!" "Say cheese!" "Katya Livingston?" "What the hell are you doing?" "Getting photographic evidence." "How dare you!" "Give me that photo." "Relax, darling." "It hasn't even developed yet." "What do you want?" "An invite to the Royal Ball." "I already told you we have none." "That's too bad." "Good headline:" "'missing link found!" "'" "Fine." "You win." "Give me the Polaroid and I'll give you the key." "Do you think I was born yesterday?" "We do it at the same time." "On three..." "One...two..." "On second thought, I don't want to trade." "What?" "Why?" "Because you can't blackmail someone when their face isn't in frame." "Security!" "You know what?" "Watch it, I bruise easily." "Could this day get any worse?" "I'm so sorry." "Are you okay?" "Fine." "I'm sorry, it's one of those days." "Tell me about it." "It's a nice Gucci." "Thank you." "Not only do you have exquisite taste... but you're possibly the most beautiful woman I've ever seen." "Your lips... eyes... hair..." "Where are you going?" "It looks good." "Hello, ladies." "Gatekeeper, Nair will help take care of that problem." "Katya!" "I just received a phone call from Youth Aid." "Thanking me for my contribution?" "Not exactly." "You're not supposed to display your wealth to Sabelo... in such an ostentatious manner." "Ostentatious?" "I was just trying to bond with the little tyke." "But discussing your sixfigure salary... will only make him feel discontented with his lot." "He lives in a shack with no air conditioning, DSL, or Tivo!" "I can't make him feel any more discontented than he is!" "Jenga!" "Boring..." "Dear Mommy... thank you for the book on how to run a small business." "I started making toy cars... out of scrap metal." "Do you think San Francisco would make a good export market?" "And could you introduce me to Lee lacocca?" "I did corrupt my little orphan!" "Katya, could you come in here, please?" "What's the matter?" "Cuddles died." "Who?" "Cuddles..." "Cuddles..." "my little new friend." "My little iguana." "How could he die?" "He was so healthy." "But he was fine yesterday when I was in here." "Before the accounting lady came in right after." "So..." "Khalua called." "They're extremely happy with the unleash ya campaign." "Good for Katya." "And Rice-A-Roni." "How's that going?" "Great." "I've been working day and night." "I even bought a gown for the Clios." "Fabulous." "I can always count on your consistency." "Now, if you'll excuse me..." "I have a funeral to arrange." "You've reached Katya." "I'm out doing something fabulous." "So I'll get back to you when I'm bored, maybe." "Katya, this is Charles Fitz calling, Eliza's attorney." "I don't usually do these things." "But I'm doing it." "So, give me a call when you're 'bored'." "And I can promise you a nice night out." "Give me a call." "Talk to you soon, hopefully." "Bye." "Sorry, Charlie." "I don't think I'll ever be quite that bored." "I think that went well." "I can't believe you gave your attorney my phone number!" "Trust me, I think you'll really like him." "I told you, he's not my type." "He has two tickets to the Royal Ball." "Maybe he is!" "Why didn't you tell me sooner?" "Because I want you to like him for him." "What is more important?" "True love or some party?" "You know what, never mind, don't answer that." "Charles, it's Katya Livingston, Eliza's friend." "Listen, I got your message and would love to meet." "How 'bout Wednesday night at Mario's on North Beach?" "Eight o'clock." "Really looking forward to it." "Bye." "What are you doing?" "I'm working." "You should really try that sometime." "Look, give it up, Sebastian." "While I was working on the 'Got Milk?" "' campaign with Lyle... you were still doing beer bongs in your frat." "Trust me, you are no competition." "We'll just have to see about that." "You do know that your name is a hair product?" "Just saying." "So, is that dinner?" "No." "Work." "What are you doing?" "Why'd you stop the elevator?" "I'm inviting you to dinner." "Really?" "I thought you were taking me hostage." "If you come to dinner, I'll start the elevator." "That's blackmail." "I prefer to call it negotiation." "Okay, you win." "By the way, I'm Chuck." "Katya." "Did you say Katya?" "Yes." "It's French." "So, where do you want to go?" "I know the perfect place." "Where are you taking me?" "Is this the short cut to Postrio?" "Postrio?" "Not exactly." "So, where are we?" "Bon appetit." "You're kidding, right?" "Would I kid about hot dogs in the park?" "Besides, look around, this place is beautiful." "And here I was thinking you were an Armani wearing... four star restaurant kind of guy?" "I am." "But I like this place." "It's special." "You know, I come here to think sometimes." "I go to Gucci for that." "Different kind of thinking." "What can I get you?" "Hot dog." "Ketchup, mustard, no onions." "Make it two." "And definitely no onions." "No problem." "Keeping your options open?" "Thanks." "Thanks." "I can't believe we actually got a table." "I hear there's a month long waiting list for this place." "I know the maitre'd." "Very impressive." "I'm very well connected." "So, are you always this extravagant on your first dates?" "Are you calling this a date?" "Actually, to tell you the truth, I've sort of been off dating lately." "Really?" "How come?" "Bunch of disastrous experiences." "I can't relate." "I'm kidding." "My ex-boyfriend wore a bunny suit for his day job." "That's sexy." "Not so much, no." "Let's hear one of your war stories." "Well, it's not like that, actually..." "I would date these women who seemed amazing... on paper." "I have my list." "But then it seemed like all I was doing was dating a checklist." "Well, there's nothing wrong with having high standards." "I know I do." "But I think it's what's not on the list that I'm looking for." "If that makes any sense..." "I guess." "Would you excuse me for a second?" "I just remembered I have to make a quick call... someone at work." "Sorry about that." "That's okay." "You got... it's just mustard." "I guess it's better than the foils in the hair." "But still somehow I wish it had gone differently." "You want to make a wish?" "I think I still have some change left over for dessert." "Here." "Knock yourself out." "And that's what you call making a wish?" "Your eyes open, sort of hap-hazard toss into the..." "There's no feeling in that." "I mean you don't close your eyes when you're making a wish?" "It's not going to come true." "You're going to have to do it again." "What?" "What are you doing?" "Well, the quarter's not going to get itself, right?" "You're crazy." "What if it's cold?" "Well, I think it's going to be." "I'm pretty sure it is." "Where's that quarter." "My wish already came true." "Dance with me?" "I'd love to." "But I always adhere to the dress code." "It's cold, put this on." "Miss..." "Well, I guess I better go inside... before this officially becomes a date." "Don't worry about it." "I've given up on dating." "That was..." "Amazing." "What are you doing Wednesday?" "I promise I'll take you to a proper restaurant." "But first, there's something you should know..." "This Wednesday?" "Hot date?" "Hardly." "It's this dreadful set-up through a co-worker." "I already committed." "Listen, Katya..." "I know what you're going to say." "How could I possibly go on another date after tonight?" "Don't worry about it." "I just need a ticket to some ball." "Well, here's your jacket." "Good night, Chuck." "Good night, Miss Livingston." "Katya, it's Chuck." "We're on our date right now." "I don't think you realize that I'm the guy... that Eliza set you up with Charles Fitz." "I thought it would be more fun to leave you this message... than to tell you in person." "I'm having a great time." "I can't wait to see you Wednesday!" "Shit!" "Okay, I deserved that." "If you're trying to kill yourself can I go with you?" "Sure." "There's plenty of rope here, I'll tie you up too." "What's wrong?" "What's wrong?" "I'll tell you what's wrong." "While you were getting manhandled by security..." "I ran into Geoffrey, you know, that guy I like... does the little eyebrow thingy..." "We got to talking and I gave him my number... and then he never called me." "Do you want me to make you feel better?" "Not only am I not going to the Royal Ball... but I just blew it with Thor-slash-Charles!" "He knows I was just in it for the ticket." "That's pretty bad, baby." "You're probably never going to hear from him again." "Fergie!" "I'm just being honest with you." "God, some gay best friend you are!" "Come on now." "Your making your little pouty face, aren't you?" "Want me to give you a hug?" "I'll give you a hug." "I'm going to make you feel better." "I'll take away all your pain..." "What is that?" "My god!" "This?" "I was going to tell you about this." "When were you going to tell me about it?" "What are you doing with that?" "I was gonna tell you about it." "But I was afraid because you haven't been thinking clearly lately." "Put the invite down and no one will get hurt." "What are you doing?" "Put that down!" "Alright, you're acting like a lunatic." "Put that down right now." "This is not worth it." "Speak for yourself." "Come on now, sweetie." "Sweetie..." "Late for work, because stayed up all night... trying to figure out how to apologize to Charles... without actually having to say I'm sorry." "Forgive me balloons:" "seventy-five dollars." "Box of truffles:" "fifty dollars." "Strip-o-gram and lap dance: 125 dollars plus tip." "Yet still..." "Katya, where have you been?" "The Rice-A-Roni suits have been waiting for over an hour!" "Rice-a-Roni?" "Rice-a-Roni." "The San Francisco treat." "Rice-a-Roni." "The San Francisco treat." "You better get in there." "Think." "Think..." "Thank you." "Could you help me with something?" "Me, help you?" "Don't be difficult." "Alright." "You could have at least said Pretty Please." "Anyway, my wife and I, we were dancing... we had a good time over there at Clover." "I know you've heard of Clover, it's a great restaurant." "But not well known for their rice pilaf." "Thank God!" "Sorry I'm late." "I had an emergency." "With my son." "I thought your son was in Africa?" "You want to visit?" "I could arrange it." "Rice-A-Roni... the San Francisco Treat." "It's catchy." "And it's worked for you." "Probably still does." "But why alienate the whole country?" "So here's what I'm thinking..." "Rice-A-Roni, the New York treat." "Right there." "The Chicago treat." "The Kenosha treat!" "What are you getting at?" "Rice-A-Roni has been enjoyed by Americans from the Mid-West... to the Rocky Mountains." "And what America really needs right now... is a treat." "So your new slogan..." "'Rice-A-Roni, the American treat!" "'" "God bless America!" "That's it?" "That's your pitch?" "Do you have any creative ideas?" "It's Katya Livingston, of course she has creative ideas." "We're going to run a few more things up the flag pole." "Why don't you parade out some of the other great, marvellous ideas." "The ideas that I have, because I have tons..." "There's something I'd like to present, if I could, please." "It's not what we scheduled." "Well get on with it." "Go." "We're just warming you up." "Rice." "It's gotten a bad rap as of lately." "Lumped together with it's evil stepsisters bread and pasta... rice is considered to be just another carbohydrate." "A grain pushed aside in our quest to be thin." "But wait." "There's good news, folks!" "Rice is not as bad as its carbohydrate relatives." "Your product, simply distinguished from its relatives... a lower carb alternative!" "'Rice-A-Roni, the nice rice!" "'" "The nice rice?" "The nice rice." "We love it!" "It's the first campaign one that I haven't nailed." "Nailed?" "Honey, you didn't even have the hammer in your hand." "You tanked it." "I'm sorry." "I don't know what happened." "Let me see if I can illuminate you." "While he was busy working his ass off... you were at the beauty parlor." "Or you were making 300 dollars a month worth of phone calls... to the California State Correctional institute... speaking to God knows who." "Or you were taking a smoking break and you don't even smoke!" "Yes." "It's him." "Thank you." "As if this day could get any worse..." "Cuddles was murdered." "Poisoned." "Just like the goldfish." "Some idiot gave that poor iguana prunes." "Prunes?" "Yes prunes." "Who'd be stupid enough to do something like that?" "Wait, Katya, didn't Eliza give you prunes the other day?" "I only eat soup." "Campbell's select, of course." "Did you have something to do with this?" "Come on Lyle, you know me." "I'm a humanitarian." "I mean I love animals." "Katya, I don't know you anymore." "The Katya that I know went to Stanford University." "But when I called there and checked with the Alumni office... do you know what they told me?" "They said Katya Livingston never even attended the school." "You were checking up on me?" "I encouraged him to call." "Katya, you're fired." "But I'm Katya Livingston." "And you're not going to talk your way out of it." "I am the best in the business." "I sold shampoo to the bald... sneakers to amputees... and contact lenses to the blind." "I am the Katya Livingston." "Who is still fired." "Now go clean out your desk." "I'm going to have Security escort you out of the building." "Fine!" "But without me, Liquid will evaporate." "Sabelo." "Mommy will take good care of you." "That was Security." "They're on their way up to escort you out." "I won't even have time to mail these." "That's okay." "I'll do it for you." "You hate me." "Maybe a little." "But now that you're fired, you're not so bad." "Can I just have a minute, please?" "I bruise easily." "I'll get them to send your stuff to your house." "Thanks." "Why don't you just keep this?" "I never put anything in it anyway." "Thanks." "That's okay." "Do you guys work everywhere?" "In reaction to losing six figure job..." "I decided that life was too short... and celebrated birthday early." "But since only one unemployed, had to celebrate alone." "Loneliness led to utter boredom, which can be very costly..." "Richard Tyler gown:" "Three grand." "Bejewelled Jimmy Choos:" "one thousand five hundred." "Have successfully bought couture to party I'm still not invited to." "Getting in touch with inner child: $22.50." "Due to lack of job and aforementioned shopping spree... can't afford to pay rent." "Thank God I'm subletting and name's not on the lease." "Must do something to pull self out of doom and gloom." "You in the middle?" "Katya." "How'd you get in here?" "I bribed the receptionist." "How resourceful of you." "I see you got my balloons." "I assumed you were angry at me... because I didn't want to go out with you... because I needed to go out with the other you... in order to nab the ticket to the ball." "I don't have time for this." "And honestly, you don't have to explain." "I don't have to explain?" "Of course I don't." "You tricked me." "Tricked you?" "I was just having a little harmless fun... and when I go to come clean, you completely cut me off." "Like you didn't have the entire night to tell me who you were." "You set me up for this." "Please, but you know what?" "I'm glad I didn't come clean." "Because then I got to know the real you." "And the you that I went to the park with... is not the you who'd use someone to gain entry into a ridiculous party." "But if you want the invitation so badly, fine." "There you go." "Wrong you." "Regret not grabbing ticket when had the chance." "Almost led to something more regrettable... a mall makeover." "Trench coat and fedora to obtain unemployment check incognito:" "two hundred twenty dollars." "Silver lining to stormy cloud: winning NEA grant." "Now can afford to pay debts." "However, still have no boyfriend and no way to get to the royal ball." "Finally understand cliche, 'money can't buy happiness.'" "Stay tuned while we go live to the socialite event of the year... and Melissa Rivers." "At the Covington Castle with everybody who's anybody... is there right now with Melissa." "Melissa?" "Watch out San Francisco!" "The night you've all been waiting for is here." "The night of the Royal Ball, and we are live..." "Yes live at Covington Castle." "Everybody's arriving early, there goes the Sultan of Brunai and one... two, three, four, five... all five of the favorite women from his harem." "I don't think they've all been ever photographed together." "This is a tremendous event." "Don't go away, we're..." "Katya?" "Baby?" "What are you doing up there?" "We're coming up." "Get out!" "Put down the Vicodin down right now!" "I wish." "But you used it all for your damn surgeries." "Plastic surgery kind of hurts, sweetie." "What are you two doing here?" "We're here to help get you into the ball." "Forget it." "I give up." "Are you serious?" "Are you kidding me?" "Are you going to let those two ugly sisters keep you out of the ball?" "I wouldn't serve those wretches tap water out of a dirty glass." "They're nothing compared to you." "They're not?" "What happened to the Katya Livingston... who can talk a mad queen out of drowning himself in a moment's notice?" "I don't know." "Where's the Katya Livingston who introduced me..." "to my first net worth individual." "I don't know." "Katya Livingston, you have to fight for what is yours, baby." "And that means your job that Scandinavian love god... and your social status!" "Now get out of bed right now and get ready." "I love those." "Those are cute." "You're right!" "You're right!" "There hasn't been a guest list or velvet rope... or moat that's ever kept me out!" "I belong in a castle." "We are live at Covington Castle from the Royal Ball." "And I'm here with Nob Hill socialite Frangipani Lee!" "Who you best know as ex-wife of hedge fund billionaire Lane Foreman... ex-wife of of music producer Randall Jones..." "Come on, it's this way." "Don't push me." "Hurry." "I could walk through the front door." "I don't even have to go this way." "Ex-wife of media mogul David Bowler." "Of course most recently, ex-wife of sausage heir James Lawndale III." "lt's so good to see you." "lt's good to see you." "You know what?" "I don't like water, and I don't like... sludge..." "look at all this green stuff." "If you helped me out we'd probably get there a lot quicker." "And ruin my manicure?" "My hair is already frizzing." "At least let my nails look good." "I know you want to look good at the party... and I don't want to die on the way there." "Where are we going?" "I don't know." "This dress is amazing." "Janine Isrial Couture." "Now are you excited to get inside?" "Is there anyone special that you're looking forward to seeing?" "I'm very excited." "Well wonderful to see you." "Thank you so much for stopping." "Have a great time inside." "We'll be back with more live from Covington Castle." "Don't go away." "Can someone tell me if there's anyone on the guest list... she hasn't slept with or is planning on marrying and divorcing?" "You wait here and I'll meet you over at the wall." "Alright, come on, baby." "Come on, let's go." "I don't want to hold this thing further." "Thank God I went with a spike heel." "I guess you really are a social climber." "It takes one to know one, sister." "You better hurry, my wrists are getting limper by the moment." "You wouldn't." "I might." "Alright, are you ready to go in there?" "Am I ready?" "You're fabulous." "Am I ready?" "You're fabulous." "Now get in there and do your thing." "Come on." "That would have been quite an entrance..." "Who do you think you are, Bjork?" "Thank you." "You're welcome." "I need a drink." "Teddy, darling... since when did you start doing catered events?" "Let me guess...since you caught pneumonia at Rain Storm?" "Close." "Whooping cough." "That's too bad." "Now can we have a round of Knight-tinis." "I'll pretend to slip you a twenty." "Well thanks, Katya." "It's a party." "The drinks are free." "Then, let's party." "Thank you." "I don't care if it is Chanel." "Winter white in July is unacceptable!" "At least it distracts you from the face." "What about her?" "Polka dots, black socks, t-shirt." "It's Eliza..." "Katya." "You remember Steve?" "The guy I puked on?" "Ladies, look who I just ran into." "I really don't need this right now." "I'm not stalking you anymore." "After that night at your place, they threw me in jail." "I did a lot of thinking and realized you're not my type." "I am!" "Fabulous!" "Fergie finally found his love!" "To love!" "My god!" "Someone do something!" "You broke the Curse of Namambo!" "Katya Livingston?" "What the hell are you doing here?" "Dove, you look fabulous." "It's the biggest party of the season." "You didn't think I'd miss out?" "Cut the crap, Katya." "How did you get in?" "I climbed." "What kind of a person would go to goes to such lengths?" "An ambitious one." "Try a sociopath!" "For years, you've sunk to the lowest depths... to claw your way to the middle." "You lied." "You stole." "You cheated." "In fact you would do just about anything to get ahead." "But I've got news for you." "You didn't spend thirteen years at Chapin... and you never dated a Vanderbilt." "So, no matter what you do... you're never going to belong!" "I'm not going to belong?" "I'm not going to belong?" "You're as phony as your ski slope nose job!" "And if you could date a Vanderbilt... then why don't you stop slumming it with extras from the O.C.?" "Let's face it, Dove." "You have always been jealous that my boobs are bigger than yours." "You'll never inspire a designer... and you will never have front row seats at a fashion show." "Katya Livingston, you're a fake and a fraud." "And after tonight, everyone's going to know." "You want a piece of me?" "Do you want a piece of me?" "Hold my gold." "I didn't know you were into that." "Okay everybody, the show's over!" "Should we help her?" "If we do, we'll be social road kill." "Let's wait until the crowd thins." "I said party, goddamnit!" "Ladies and gentlemen, can I have your attention please?" "On behalf of Youth Aid International..." "I would like to present a short video... to remind us all why we are here tonight." "Over the years, Youth Aid International... has been connecting Third World children... to generous adults like yourselves... in our immensely successful adoption program." "We'd like to thank Youth Aid International..." "Rice-A-Roni... and most of all, my adoptive mother Katya Livingston!" "We've all gained two pounds since she sent us... the San Francisco treat." "We love you, mommy!" "Is Katya Livingston still here?" "She's here..." "Hi." "Coming." "Hello, Dove." "Thanks." "Katya, on behalf of Youth Aid International..." "I'd like to thank you for all your efforts... in helping Sabelo and his village." "Thank you." "Julie, it's been a pleasure." "I mean I've always been heavily involved in charity." "And when my dear friend Eliza asked me to sponsor Sabelo..." "I knew that I had to do my part in helping the less fortunate." "Actually, that's a lie." "I adopted a kid for the tax break." "See, I told you she was a sociopath!" "Security, can we get rid of this nut job?" "Wait!" "Dove's right." "I am a total fraud." "I lie about everything just to get ahead." "I didn't graduate Magna Cum Laude from Stanford..." "I barely made it out of U.C. Santa Cruz." "Teddy, I never submitted your novel to the NEA." "I won the grant and blew half of it on this dress." "Lyle, I have shown up late and left early a thousand times." "I am responsible for the deaths of your goldfish and iguana." "Eliza, you have always been there for me no matter how I treated you." "I slept with the guy you puked on." "And finally..." "I tried to use this great guy just to get into this stupid ball." "I was so worried about being in the right place... that I ended up missing the best thing of all." "Him." "Did I mention that I wear designer knock-offs?" "And..." "I thought the kid was gold." "Katya, the video was beautiful." "We can't buy press like that." "We're going to be in every paper from coast to coast." "And by the way, focus groups loved the American treat." "That carb thing was a total turn off." "Turns out rice has more carbs than wonderbread." "He lied about the facts." "Lyle, we'll work with you... but only if Katya is our point person." "She's your point person." "I don't work there anymore... and I really have to go." "Katya, come on." "Please, think about it." "I'll give you a nice desk." "I don't think so." "Don't worry, I'm going to work this out." "You know, the advertising game, it's a jungle." "Is this seat taken?" "Charles!" "What are you doing here?" "Long night, big party, lots of drama..." "lt sounds fun." "Not really." "I'm not much for big soirees... or catfights." "I don't know." "I needed to think." "I didn't think I'd have company." "Well I climbed all the way up the social ladder... and figured out it was lonely." "So I needed to think too." "Gucci was closed?" "So what are you thinking about?" "Well there's this girl..." "God, there's always a girl." "Tell me about her." "She's a liar... a social climber... animal killer..." "She sounds awful." "She's everything that I didn't want." "Everything that's not on my list." "And yet I can't stop thinking about her." "Maybe that's because the list is misleading." "And maybe it's because she's a bunch of other things as well." "She's complex, and intriguing... and full of surprises." "Like tonight." "She did this incredibly brave thing." "It was about time." "Well some people never come clean about who they are." "Especially in front of 250 San Franciscan socialites." "But I didn't." "Not completely." "I don't know how much more I can handle." "My real name is Katy." "I like Katy." "Katy I can handle." "Now my turn." "I spray tan." "Really?" "It looks good." "Thanks." "What else?" "I really like you." "I really like you too." "Cab fare from Covington Castle:" "Thirty Five dollars." "Ripping coture gown:" "$85 dollars." "Finding happiness that has nothing to do... with money, parties, or designer clothing:" "what do you know priceless."