"Hello." "Salaam Alekum." " Do you speak English?" " Yes." " I have to get to the station." " OK." "(DRIVER) You look around at Alexandria." "You are looking at the Corniche." "You are looking at the biggest mosque." " You are looking at the fish museum." " I am really looking to get to the station." " How long will that take?" " After we go to station." "Two hour, one hour." "I have to be at the station in half an hour." "Good drive in Alexandria." "You want to look around." "Antique towers in Egyptian." "After looking at the big mosque." "The biggest mosque in Alexandria." "Maybe you just take me to the station." "Next time I come i'll see the museums." "Getting to the station in Alexandria Isn't easy." "Alexandrian horses know no fear." "They attack the traffic head on." "I feel like Ben Hur on the M1!" "How fast can your horse go?" "Two hour." "You look around Alexandria, After to the train station." "No, i'll wear your horse out." "What is your horse called?" "Larry." "Larry, an Egyptian horse." "Egyptian horse, is my name, Larry, English." "So you are all Larry?" "Larry and Larry." "How long have you had him?" " Four." " He's four?" "How long has he been out on the streets, The grand prix circuit?" "Four." "My name Larry." "Good driver in Alexandria." "I'm convinced by now that most animate Objects in Alexandria are called Larry" "And the conversation is in a rut." "But amazing revelations are at hand." " How many people can you take in here?" " Six million." " How many people?" " Six million in here?" " How many can you get on here?" " Six person." " Six persons." " Six person." " It's hard work." " Six person, one carriage." "This is the way to see Alexandria." "I'll tell anybody that asks me." "I'll see, "See Ahmed For the best tour of Alexandria."" " Thank you." " Good." "I'm Michael." " Michael Caine." " Yeah, thank you." "With a whip-assisted lurch, long-suffering Larry turns off the Corniche," "Once an elegant promenade, Now crumbling gently, like Cannes with acne." "We pass the Cecil Hotel, whose guests Have included Laurence Durrell," "Winston Churchill and, in World War II, The British Secret Service." "The city of Alexandria has a continuing Fascination for literary Englishmen." "EM Forster worked here, Wrote a guide to the city" "And, in 1918, fell in love With a tram driver." "Though I only have one morning To take it all in, I like Alexandria." "Not just because they've kept their trams, But the way the people are." "Faces show energy, curiosity, Pride and abundant good humour." "The faces are a unique mixture of Africa, Europe and the Middle East." "Under this benign cloud, I finally reach the handsome station," "Resolved to shed English inhibitions And become a part of Africa." "Cairo?" "Cairo?" "Cairo?" "Cairo?" "OK, here we go." "Cairo." " How many, sir?" " One." "One way to Cairo." " One?" " Yes, one, just me, one way." " Cairo?" " Yes." "No one seems to have heard of Cairo." "It's only the capital!" "If they don't know Cairo, what do you ask for?" "New York?" "I've got to go there?" "I've just come from there!" "I shall walk to Cairo at this rate!" "As if things weren't bad enough, someone Decides they don't like Passepartout." "Understandable really." "I've told him before About staring at people." "Hello!" "I saw you before." "You are trouble!" "Cairo?" "(MUEZZIN CALLS)" "Railway stations don't intimidate travellers As airports do," "So they are wonderful places to watch life." "Here, technology co-exists With biblical scenes," "Levis, trainers, fezzes and jellabas," "Calls to prayer with station announcements." "It's all so different to the Europe I have just left." "There, life is problems to be solved," "Here, it's a series of limitations To be observed." ""Inshallah," they all say." ""If Allah is willing."" "My brief encounter with Alexandria Ends just six hours after it began." "However much I want to linger, I'm travelling against the clock" "And the object is to get in and out of Egypt As quickly as possible," "Phileas Fogg went through it Without stopping by the Suez Canal." "No passenger ships do that nowadays," "Although I can get a ship from Suez Down the Red Sea to Jeddah." "But I can't sort it out until I get to Cairo, 221 kilometres away across the Nile Delta." "Um..." "Have you any milk?" "No milk." "Finished." "I see." "Right." "I'll have it black, then." "As we roll across this fertile landscape And the life-giving River Nile," "There appears to be water everywhere." "It's hard to believe That 96% of this country is barren desert." "I'm just a traveller." "I'm just going round the world." "I'm passing through Cairo." "What should I do?" "I'm there at the weekend." "At home, you might go to a football match." "Do they have football matches?" "Yeah, today we have a very interesting Football match" "Between National team, The best team in Egypt," "And Al Minya, a medium team." "Is this a match in the football league?" "You have a league?" "Yeah, is football league." "You can show it." "It is very interesting." " They play today?" " Yes." "How many people will there be in the crowd?" "Is it a big crowd?" "Yes, very big." "Maybe 80 or 90 thousand persons." "(CAR HORNS BLARE) 80,000 people In one football stadium sounds unlikely," "As everyone in Cairo seems to be On the streets in a motor car!" "All Egyptian vehicles Seem to have been modified" "So that both brake and accelerator Are directly attached to the horn." "Progress out to the stadium Is slow and noisy," "By the time I arrive, The game is well into the second half." "At least it's quieter here (!" ")" "(CROWD ROARS)" "A hot Saturday afternoon, a modern stadium And I'm soon in the spirit of things," "Cheering on with the crowd!" "Fortunately, a tolerant spectator Points out that I'm cheering the wrong team." "A foul of blatant proportions Livens up the game" "And our patience is rewarded With a sending off." "The offender questions Whether it's Allah's will," "But every gesture has a familiarity, A hint of old England." "Though I arrived at the end of the game, My presence clearly spurs on Cairo," "Who score two goals in the last ten minutes To snatch vital points." "Just as well I came at that moment!" "I helped the team!" "Back across the Nile to the city centre To get a room for the night." "Eschewing the Hiltons, I plump for the classy Ring of something older, more dignified." " Hello." " Hello, sir." "Do you have a room?" " Yes, sir." "A single one?" " Yes." " Yes, we have." " You do?" "Marvellous." "Can you please write your name?" "I'm not sure of the date of departure." "I'll just put approximately." "There we are." " Your room number is 16." " 16, thank you." "This is your key and your room Is on the second floor, sir." "(CAR HORNS BEEP)" "Someone more familiar than myself with the City said they'd once asked for a quiet room," "Only to receive the incredulous reply, "In Cairo?"" "Not that it matters." "At the end of a long and tiring day," "I'm just happy to have a bed and a hot bath." "(PIPES CLATTER)" "Well..." "A bed, anyway." "(BAVARIAN ACCORDION MUSIC)" "The bar of the Hotel Windsor is one of The most bizarrely cosmopolitan i've seen." "Cocktails mixed by a Nubian Are served to smooth Egyptians" "In an atmosphere of the Swiss Alps." "It was 91 degrees outside, but the wall Decorations act as a psychic cooling system." "Given this, the clientele are no surprise." "So, you're in the film business?" "I am a director of photography For movie film." " I am an actor and writer." " Ah, very nice to meet you!" "Do you do television and films?" "No, I work only for cinema." "Are there many films made in Egypt?" "In Egypt we shoot in the year About..." "Er... 60-80 films in the year." "The whole production." "80 films a year is enough to fill someone In the British film industry with envy." "But if you can't beat 'em, join 'em!" "OK, it is a deal." "Thank you." "I'll cancel the pyramids." "(MUEZZIN CALLS)" "Hello?" "Hello, is that The..." "Egyptian Navigation Company?" "Yes." "The thing is, I am travelling to Jeddah..." "The next day, and it's time To call round the shipping offices." "My onward connection from Jeddah Is leaving on Wednesday, Day 11." "I must find a connection from Suez As soon as possible." "It's leaving early?" "It sounds as if I'm in luck." "Yes?" "The..." "Algeria..." "Yes?" "That sounds fine." "Can I make a reservation?" "The Algeria leaves Suez Tomorrow morning, Day Nine," "So I have a day to kill in Cairo." "I feel itchy standing still, But travel shouldn't be too fast" "To notice what is going on around you." "(COUGHING)" "Hello." "Can I have a tea, like that, please?" "Thank you." " Um..." "I didn't order this." " Oui." "No." "Does this come with the tea?" "I don't do this." "I gave up smoking 20 years ago." "I really ought to try one." "Er..." "What do I do?" "Mm, it's very pleasant." "This is very nice." " Do you take it into your lungs?" " No." "No, just into your..." "Oh, I see, yeah." "When you see The bubbles going..." "You're on your way." "Yeah." "It's very mild, isn't it?" "I always thought it would be fierce." "I thought you were all getting Out of your minds on these!" "It's actually like..." "Very early Craven A mixed With... (COUGHS)..." "Sheffield steel works!" "A packet of 200, please." "Cinemas and their gaudy hand-painted signs Are everywhere in Cairo" "And remind me I have an appointment to keep." "All I have to do is follow the instructions On the bit of paper given to me in the bar." "Mind you, the address of the film location Looks distinctly unpromising." "But it appears that Egyptian supermarkets Have everything, even film making!" "(SPEAKS IN ARABIC)" " You know this is make up." " I know." "I'm afraid this isn't." "I'm not wearing make up today." "It suits you." "I know you are a much younger man Under there!" "No, the pyramids are this afternoon." "Ah, the director calls." " You will go out of the lift." " Where?" " No, this lift." " Oh, over here." "OK." " And you will..." "Just pass." " OK." "Tell me where you want me to stand." "You stand inside the lift." "When it opens, you go out." "I am given the much sought after part Of "Man in Elevator"." "I try to think of how Olivier might play it." "After all, I am acting with Egypt's biggest Star and now my friend, Noor-el-Sherif." "Every year I make..." "Er..." "Four or five films." " Four or five in a year?" "!" " Yes." "I started in 1967 And i've made even now 128 films." "What sort of films are made generally?" "What are the subjects of most Egyptian films?" "Society problems, social problems," "About marriage and love, but the majority Of films are comedian films." "The audience in Egypt prefers that." "Action films and comic films." "Action!" "Well, there was the action, But I can't see much comedy." " Cut!" " Perfect." "And that's it, loves." "Now just the awards to wait for." "Once again for me, I think." "If it's 2.30, it must be the pyramids," "Which I'm surprised to find Are in Cairo's suburbs." "To the east of them, apartment blocks;" "To the west, 2,000 miles Of desert stretching to Morocco." "Given all this room, why does everyone Choose the same spot to look at them?" "While the pyramids Stand serenely implacable," "The tourists scurry around, Assailed by camel mongers, postcard salesman" "And all the other free-market forces That have ripped off visitors at this very spot" "For hundreds, if not thousands of years." "I'm not going to fall for all this nonsense." "But then I get an offer I can't refuse." "Camel, here." "Sir, camel, if you'd like." "Picture, ride." " Where are you going to?" " Here, come this side." " You'll take me to Suez?" " Yeah!" "Take a good picture on the camel." "This is essential?" "Yes, you'll feel like Lawrence of Arabia!" " Legs here, like a horse." " Lawrence of Arabia, what happened to him?" "Your feet here." "Take it easy." "Now, hold tight and lean back As the camel is stand up." "All right." "I see what you mean!" "OK, I will give you a little ride." " OK." " Here, not long, OK?" "(THEME FROM "LAWRENCE OF ARABIA")" "So we set off, gingerly, eastwards." "My guide asked me my name." "When I say Michael, He remarks on the coincidence " "His name's Michael and his camel's name Is Michael, as well." "So, the three wise Michaels head off Across the desert." "Another transport first for my list." "(EGYPTIAN POP MUSIC)" "There is no railway connection Between Cairo and Suez, so I take a taxi." "I realised after the first 100 yards That I should have gone by camel." "It is 90 degrees outside and 120 in the taxi!" "First thing next morning, I was at the gates of Suez port," "Awaiting, like many others, News of my departure." "Now we've got real problems." "The Algeria Has engine problems and is cancelled." "The next boat that I can get Is the Saudi Queen and that's tomorrow." "That won't get me into Jeddah In time for the connection, so I mean..." "We are..." "Well, well and truly scuppered!" "If I don't get to Jeddah In time for the connection," "The next one could be a week, Three or four days." "It's a real..." "GRRRR!" "Anyway, i've got a day in Suez To look forward to." "And so have you." "Phileas Fogg took only six and half days To reach Suez," "Three clear days ahead of me." "As to seeing the town, He did not think of it," "Being of that grade of Englishman Who have servants to do that for them." "He didn't miss much." "All Suez has is the canal." "A Crewe Junction for ship spotters." "Sitting on rusted sections of Bailey bridge Left over from the Six-Day War," "I try my Russian on one." "Dobriy den!" "Means good morning." "Dobriy den!" "They're probably Turkish." "(TICKING)" "Day 11, back at the port." "Let's pray the sign comes true." "I find room on a ferry leaving at midday, The Saudi Moon II." "The two is crossed out since the Saudi Moon I Foundered on a reef outside Jeddah." "I'm the only European boarding this ship," "Which carries either pilgrims to Mecca or Guest workers drawn to the Saudi economy." "Today it is guest workers, 600 of them Waiting patiently in the noonday sun." "They have waited patiently In lots of other queues to get this far." "My visa has taken many weeks To come through." "Every visitor to Saudi Arabia Must be sponsored." "There are few non-Muslims and no tourists." "Ah, Passepartout has over-packed as usual." "The six of us have more luggage Than the other 600 put together!" "The captain gives the order" "And, at last, I'm on the move again Out of Egypt." "And there is the reason for all the delay " "The crippled Algeria, Marooned at the dockside." "There's no way I can hurry the next 48 hours." "The ship will take me to Jeddah, slowly But surely, at no more than 15 knots." "Plenty of time to take stock." "Hello, world." "God, you are much bigger than I thought!" "Where am I?" "Red Sea..." "I am about there." "Only that..." "That, that, that, that that..." "A little bit of that..." "And a bit of that." "Oh, God!" "There's some commentary coming soon." "Ah, here it is." "The Saudi Moon Two (crossed out), Was built in Italy for a Danish company." "Rooms still bear names Like Hamlet Lounge and Tivoli Room." "Most of the passengers today live on deck And have no use for the Mermaid Pub." "Captain Abbas did not sleep at all last night," "As he and his crew picked their way Through the crowded waters outside Suez." "Since oil was found here, support vessels, As well as fishing boats," "Dart across busy shipping lanes." "An additional hazard is a sea depth Of only 50 metres." "Which is why, as the captain told us," "Moses decided to walk across The Gulf of Suez." " Captain, I am enjoying this trip." " You are welcome any time." "Is anybody from Liverpool in your group?" "No, Liverpudlians." "Two Yorkshiremen." " No." " Why Liverpool?" "Because I am in love with Liverpool." "It was my first port And I have many friends there." "Wherever you have friends is best." "To all Liverpool I send my love and to My favourite club, the Liverpudlian Reds." "Can you tell me, what are your views About air travel shrinking the world?" "They are shrinking people, not the world." "I don't like planes, not because I am a fanatic for the sea," "But at air you don't see." "Boom-boom, you are there!" "But at sea, you enjoy the voyage, you enjoy The sea." "Every day is not the same." "The clouds are different, the sea Is different, the weather is different." "The people you see in port are different." "Nationalities, characters, traditions." "(MUEZZIN CALLS FOR PRAYERS)" "Now I know why so many of the passengers Have watches." "It's to remind them For their five-times-daily prayers." "(CAPTAIN) At sea you see God, really." "Either you are really faithful, Full of faith," "Or you are the other side, faithless," "But if you see what God has created, The power and depth of the seas," "The fear, the mercy..." "In a hurricane, you die every few minutes In that crest waves," "But the mercy afterwards." "We all die." "Nobody is going to stay eternally," "But the main point is you see the power And mercy of God in the same moment." "(MICHAEL) It is faith and hope That keep these people going." "The per capita income in Egypt Is $800 a year." "In Saudi Arabia, it's $10,000." "This is where the hope lies." "The faith is faith in Allah and, even at sea, That is powerful and unshakeable." "As the sun begins to go down Over a defiantly blue Red Sea," "We are passed by a container ship Making twice our speed." "She is the sister ship to the Ville Du Havre, My main hope for a passage from Jeddah." "I'm a day late and pray she is, too." "There's only one way to find out." "From the shipping agent in Jeddah." " Hello, is that Don Bannerman?" " yes, speaking." "Hello, Don, it's Michael Palin here." "Good morning, michael." "You'rE due in'jeddah tomorrow sometime?" "What I need to know from you" "Is if there's any chance That the Ville Du Havre has been delayed," "So I can get that on from Jeddah?" "No, I'm sorry, Michael." "THE ville Du Havre arrived this morning" "And she looks like she'll sail This evening some time." "You'vE missed the ship As regards the Ville Du Havre." "Um..." "Yeah, thanks." "That's a bit..." "That's a real blow." "Can you then look out for anything Leaving Jeddah as soon as possible?" "Otherwise, I presume I could lose days?" "Yeah, we'll do our best to look around In'jeddah for a vessel" "At the first opportunity." " OK, thanks a lot." "Bye now." " Bye-bye for now." "Thank you." "This is not good news." "The Ville Du Havre was to have taken me To Muscat for a dhow connection to India." "Dhows also go from Dubai, but it's a longer Journey around the Strait of Hormuz." "Every day's delay in Jeddah is serious." "If I can't get a boat out fast, I could be ten days late in Bombay" "And the schedule would fall apart Like a pack of cards." "Oh, if only this journey Worked as neatly as the commentary." "That's dominoes, right?" "Dominoes?" "Same word?" "My fellow passengers don't seem Very interested in my plight." "They are more interested in my watch." "No, I don't want that one." "That is the one I want." "Let me look at that again." "Let me try again." "No, it's in Arabic." "I don't understand it." "I don't understand." "I want that one." "You can't have two watches." "It was a present from my wife." "She would be very sad." "Thank you." "Salaam Alekum." "(TICKING)" "Another relentlessly hot day As we draw close to Jeddah," "The centre of what is becoming for me An Arabian Bermuda Triangle." "(CHILDREN WAIL)" "Millions of pilgrims come Through Jeddah every year," "And any disease Can rapidly become an epidemic." "Meningitis is the latest danger And we all have to be inoculated." "In contrast with Suez, Jeddah's port looks Modern, expensive and soullessly efficient." "It's the formidable face of a boom economy," "As confident as Liverpool And London must have been 100 years ago." "The captain and his Saudi pilot guide us in," "Whilst in the Hans Andersen Suite, Medicine pursues its ruthless course." " Does it have any bad effects?" " No, not at all." " How long will it last?" " Two years." "Two years." "AARGHH!" "Passepartout is sadly letting me down again." "Day 12, Jeddah, Texas!" "Before any sightseeing, There's business to do." "After the first hot bath since London, I seek Don Bannerman's advice." "So, we've missed the Ville Du Havre." "Er..." "Any hope of a substitute?" "Is there anything else going?" "The alternative, Michael, Is to try and get you on an Italian vessel." "When does that go?" "She is sailing from Jeddah At 8.00 on Saturday." " 8 a.m. On Saturday." " Ah, Saturday." "OK." " Only a couple of days late." " We can try and get you all on board." "Unfortunately, she's going to bypass Muscat And go straight through to Dubai." " She won't call at Muscat." " Go straight up to Dubai?" "It's the other side of the Hormuz Strait." "And there's nothing else?" "That is the next available." "It's the best opportunity." "There's nothing else at the moment." "So, miss Muscat, Got a three-day leg to Dubai," "Then get a dhow in Dubai, which goes back Through the Straits of Hormuz!" "It's not easy, is it?" "Serious thinking has to be done now." "What better for the brain Than mindless exercise?" "Besides, the roads of Jeddah Are not as dull as they look." "These extraordinary pop art monuments Brighten up the roundabouts." "The Saudis, severe enough to ban theatre Or cinema, do let themselves go occasionally." "Who can say this is a nation With no sense of humour?" "From Tony Robinson, Muscat." ""At present nil chance of dhow at Muscat." ""Local contacts say dhows expected daily, But as yet none registered." ""In view of this, Recommend you proceed Dubai direct."" "So, there's no choice." "It has to be Dubai, which takes longer To get to and get away from." "Each piece of fresh information Just seems to lengthen the journey." "If only I had a Jules Verne To write me out of this mess!" "I take a walk into Jeddah, Virtually empty in the heat of the day." "A few buildings in the old quarter Survived the tidal wave of rebuilding." "And one of them, across the street From the tower for the Bank of Jeddah," "Was where Lawrence of Arabia lived." "I try to draw inspiration from this." "He wouldn't have given up without a fight." "There isn't much inspiration To be drawn from Jeddah's streets." "The sharing of smiles which passes For communication in a strange country" "Doesn't seem to operate here." "It's hard to feel part of this land of secrets." "(MUEZZIN CALLS FOR PRAYERS)" "By evening, i've come up With an alternative improvised plan," "And Saudi Arabia is the last place In the world to improvise." "It's a gamble and it may not come off, But it's all i've got left to save the journey." "Ironically, it's taken months of negotiation To get into Jeddah at all," "Now it has all fallen apart so fast" "That unless my new plan works, i've no chance Of completing the journey in 80 days." "And, to add insult to injury, I'll have failed in the first two weeks." "I'm heading out on the road to Mecca" "To a point beyond which I can't go Without making a sacrifice." "I'll let me explain." "The situation is this - it is going to put us At least four days late" "If I catch a boat round to Dubai." "That's the quickest we can do it, So I thought we were scuppered," "But at 3.30 a.m. This morning, the Saudi Minister for Information came up with this." "It permits me to travel across Saudi Arabia As far as Dubai overland." "However, it only extends to me." "Not you lads, too." "Sorry about that, but that's the way it goes." "At least it gets me on time in Dubai And we can catch up time on the dhow." "So, bye, lads." "See you in Dubai in two days." "Inshallah." "Sorry about that." "You'll get a lift, Pretty boys like you." "Drive carefully, Michael!" "Pretty boys like us (!" ")"