"What?" "What?" "Tell me." "Is it bad?" "It's good?" "Very good?" "Sex?" "Oh, please, God, tell me you've lost the power of speech." "No." "What is the best thing that could ever possibly happen?" "World peace?" "Better." "I got a job at Barney's!" "Where are the cashmere V-neck sweaters?" "On the second floor." "And how do I know?" "Because I got a job at Barney's!" "So what happened to the job at Banana Republic?" "Have you abandoned the Banana?" "That's so unlike you." "The Banana is dead to me." "Too gay." "Bad for my image." "Got fired?" "A little bit." "This is the catalog." "They gave it to me to familiarize myself with the inventory." "Wouldn't you love to look like that?" "Well" "What do you mean "well"?" "Nothing, I just" " I don't know" "Somebody at work yesterday asked me if I'd, if I'd ever done any modeling." "Ok, I'm just gonna have to put you on hold real quick, just a second." "Ok, I'm back." "What were you saying?" "I don't know what's happening." "Maybe I'm growing into my looks or something, but-- but people are paying a lot of attention, you know?" "They're staring." "Well, you're strange looking." "You have an odd kind of shellacked look about you." "I don't know, Jack." "Think I might be purdy." "It's to you, Karen." "Gin." "We're playing poker." "I know what we're playing." "I was ordering." "Now, come on." "Mama's dry!" "Well, we did it." "I was terrified at first, but it turned out that there was this little prick, a little pain, and then it was over." "You know, he's standing right behind you." "We had our HIV tests today." "I had an ahi salad." "Aren't you guys a little behind the times?" "I mean, some of us have been getting tested since Frankie went to Hollywood." "Why now?" "Well, we figured since we're not sleeping with anyone else" "We're not?" "When did that start?" "Love the jokes about you not being faithful, sweetie." "They slay me." "Anyway..." "Anyway, we get the results in a few days, but in the meantime they said we should be prepared to make a list of all our sexual partners." "I made my list once." "Just for fun." "A veritable who's whom of the entertainment industry." "Don't you mean a veritable who's that of the entertainment industry?" "Hey, let's do it." "Let's make our lists of our sexual partners." "Come on, it's fun." "Gin!" "Ok, but on this list, what counts as sex?" "Ohh, poor thing." "We have been over this so many times." "Well, let's say by whatever means we lost our virginity." "That's sex." "Ok, everyone, start counting now." "Uh, I had sex with 23 people." "Does that seem like a lot or a little?" "A lot." "A little." "Oh, honey." "Everything I say about you behind your back is true." "Hey, no, no, no." "No judgments." "We're just having a healthy discussion." "We're not here to shame anyone." "Sweetie, what was your number?" "Five." "Oh, my god, how embarrassing." "Ohh, Jackie, I'm so proud of you." "You're a salesgirl at Barney's." "Hand cream?" "Would you like to try some new hand cream?" "Do not look at him, Karen!" "The hand cream guy is the lowest form of life here at Barney's." "Get away from us!" "Go now!" "Oh, poodle, I miss Stan." "Oh, what made you think of him?" "How's he doin'?" "Is prison awful?" "It's been really rough on him." "He lives for that one phone call to the house every day at noon." "If it weren't for that, I don't think he could go on." "Well, it's noon now." "Yeah." "Ooh, here comes my manager." "She's a little witchy-poo, so you're going to have to skidooch." "Ok." "If you need me, I'll be in women's shoes." "One day, I hope to say the same thing." "Hey, Dorleen." "You're looking pretty." "No." "I wrote up your schedule for this week." "Oh, great." "I did the same thing." "Hmm...." "I don't think so." "Excuse me?" "Well, look, um..." "Thrilled to be here." "Love you." "Love everything about you." "Thinking about being you for Halloween, but..." "I'm gonna need Friday off." "No!" "Please!" "My acting class is doing a showcase, and I absolutely cannot miss it." "Every casting director in town is gonna be there to see me do selected scenes from "Caroline in the City."" "Let me tell you something, mister." "Do you know how lucky you are to be working here at Barney's New York, in New York?" "If you ever ask me for another Friday night off, I'll go ape on your ass." "I'm serious." "I will scratch your eyes out." "Ok, so, yes, maybe." "Well, look at you all dressed up..." "In my new suit." "I'm proud of you, Jack." "You're here for my employee discount." "A little bit." "And what are you doin' later on?" "You are gross." "Oh, my god, Dorleen's watching." "Quick, act like a customer." "What are you" " Jack." "Hey!" "You just touched it!" "Would you relax?" "I'm a professional." "It's like an elbow to me." "Come on." "Stop it!" "Jack!" "Thanks a lot, Will!" "Hey, Dorleen." "Who's that you're talking to?" "I swear I don't know him." "Too bad." "He's hot." "Oh." "Oh." "Sure." "Yeah." "That's my dear friend Will." "Introduce me." "I'll owe you one." "Introduce you..." "To Will?" "But he's gay-ained like a pound or two." "Um, but, you know, he still looks great." "So?" "Well, I don't know." "I mean, I could, but, uh, I don't know if my new shedule permits me much time." "Oh, I get it." "You're working me." "I like that." "I respond to that." "You get me a date with your friend, and I'll give you Friday night off to embarrass yourself at that stupid little skit show." "Oh, but that's so sweet." "Thank you, Dorleen." "No!" "Don't ever come inside this place." "Great." "Thank you." "Well, I'm HIV-free, herpes-free, wart-free, and nine more negative tests, I get a free prostate exam." "So, we're both clean." "Want to get dirty?" "Sweetie, I hope you don't feel weird that I've had a lot more sex than you." "I just want you to know that you are very special to me." "Oh, I know." "Well, just because you've had more partners doesn't necessarily mean you've had more sex." "What are you saying?" "Well, I'm not saying anything." "Who cares who's had more sex?" "I don't." "I don't either." "Just for fun, let's add it up." "Why?" "'Cause it's fun." "Math is fun." "Oh, yeah." "We don't do enough math." "Just remember, this is not a competition." "It's just a fun activity where we add up the number of times we've had sex and see who's the winner." "Go." "Maureen" " Three years, two times a day, New Year's Eve, planes, trains, bicycle." "That one hurt..." "I guess it was just once with that guy." "What the hell was his name?" "Dindy?" "Indy?" "Steve." "Carry the three..." "Borrow the one... 282." "See?" "3,105." "Hand cream?" "Would you like to try" "Get away, creep." "Ok." "I'm here to take you to lunch." "No, no, no, no." "I'm taking you to lunch." "But I'm still paying." "Of course." "Oh, these just came for Dorleen." "Could you do me a favor and hand them to her?" "What?" "Yeah, she's in her office." "I'm just" " I'm swamped, ok?" "Just go in and hand them to her, and I'll finish up out here." "And then we'll go up to, uh, Fred's for lunch, ok?" "Great." "Thanks." "I'm just" " I'm sorry." "I would, except I'm busy" " Busy bee." "Can I help you?" "Where you going?" "Come in." "Hi, Dorleen." "Uh, I'm Will, Jack's friend." "Oh, right." "Like I don't know who you are." "Hi, Will." "Hi." "Heh." "Uh, these--these are for you." "Oh, wow." "I wonder what I'll do to deserve this." "Should I read the card?" "I guess you should if you want to." "I thought I was the only one who felt like this." "Well, I guess not." "You guess not." "Ok." "So... bye." "What is going on?" "What do you mean?" "With your boss." "Why does she keep looking at me like she's Carnie Wilson and I'm two ounces of chicken?" "I, um..." "I can't tell you." "Jack." "All right." "Dorleen is an up-and-comer in" "Dorleen is an up-and-comer in the corporation, and one of her jobs is to scout the real-people models for the catalog." "And she thinks" " God, this is hard-- You would be a great model." "What?" "She" " She thinks I'd be a great model?" "Yeah." "I know it's hard to believe." "Really?" "Karen..." "I want to ask you something, but it's really personal, and I'm afraid you're gonna be insensitive." "Oh, honey, that makes me feel bad." "Try me." "Ok." "Do you think it's weird that I've had more partners but less actual sex than Nathan?" "No." "No, honey." "That just means that people like having sex with Nathan, and they don't like having sex with you." "I can't believe I hesitated to ask you about that." "Oh, relax. honey, I didn't mean it like that." "Of course I didn't." "Listen to me." "I just meant that people don't like having sex with you, ok?" "Better?" "Better?" "Much." "Oh, my God." "What if you're right?" "What if he's lost interest in me sexually?" "What if I'm like Space Mountain?" "You know, how, once you've been on it, you never feel the need to ride it again?" "Well, Grace, you have to work to keep men interested in sex." "How do you keep Stan interested?" "Oh, I exercise." "I've never once seen you exercise." "Oh, it's not in any place you can see." "What?" "I mean, what kind of exercise" " Ohh!" "Yeah." "I'm doing 'em right now." "I am not gonna let Nathan lose interest in me." "I am not letting him slip away." "Honey, that's what the exercises are for." "Tonight..." "I'm gonna give him the hottest sex he's had in his life." "He's not just going to Space Mountain." "He's going on every ride in the park." "Ooh, I think I just did one." "Come in." "Hi." "Dorleen, I--I just..." "I want to say that, uh..." "Jack told me what you were thinking." "Oh, god!" "I'm so embarrassed." "I feel like I threw up a little bit." "Oh, no, no." "That's ok." "I just" "I wanted to tell you that I-- You know, I could be interested in" "You hear that?" "He's interested." "Oh, wow!" "Well, um, I'm interested, too." "Yeah?" "Uh..." "Well, great!" "We'll talk later." "Oh, I--I should tell you that, um..." "When I blow my hair dry, totally different look." "Oh." "Well, ok." "Great." "Hey, Karen." "Hi." "Doing your exercises?" "How'd you know?" "Well, I do my own version." "I can lift an encyclopedia." "Ohh." "Well, aren't you a smartie?" "Is Grace around?" "I just came over to smooch on her." "Oh, it's funny you should say that." "She was just talking about having sex with you." "Yeah." "Bragging about it?" "More like complaining about it." "Oh, man." "I knew that number freaked her out, and I left off, like, a thousand." "You think it says something about me that I like to have sex that much?" "I mean, you think it's weird?" "Honey, of course not." "It's not weird." "It just means that you're not that interesting and sex is really all you have to offer." "What?" "Come on." "Oh, wait a minute." "Now, don't take it like that." "Come here." "Come here." "Listen to me." "I just meant that sex is all you have to offer." "Ok?" "Better?" "Ok?" "Maybe you're right." "I mean, it does seem like women want to have sex with me a few hundred times and leave and go on to something else." "Well, I'm not going to let that happen with Grace." "We're gonna talk." "About books, childhood, memories, and family pets." "And until that happens, we're not going to have sex tonight, tomorrow night, or any other night." "Ooh!" "I think I just did one." "Is Jack around?" "Oh, he's in the back getting ready for his showcase." "I told him he could leave a couple of hours early." "Oh, good." "Well, that gives him ten minutes to get dressed, and an hour and 50 minutes to learn how to act." "You know, I was actually hoping to run into you." "Really?" "Yeah." "Me, too." "I've been thinking about you all day." "Hi." "Hi." "The reason I came by is, uh..." "I--I--I'm not really very aggressive, but I'm trying to be the kind of guy who just goes for what he wants, so I'm just" "I'm just going to say it." "Oh, my God." "I can't breathe." "Dorleen..." "Yeah?" "I've got the slim hips and broad shoulders that a sweater dreams about." "I can carry a man purse and still look masculine." "I feel that my fat-to-muscle ratio is right on target, but I'm willing to bulk up." "Do you want to see me walk?" "For starters, yeah." "Walk into my office." "Monday through Friday, he's a corporate lawyer, but on the weekend the suit comes off and he is ready to rock 'n' ro--Aah!" "What are you doing?" "!" "I thought we were being aggressive." "I thought I was auditioning." "To be my boyfriend?" "To be a model?" "Ok, I'm outta here." "Hasta menorah." "What are you doing here?" "Why are you naked?" "Hand cream?" "Want to try hand cream?" "Grace?" "I'm over here." "What are you doing?" "Waiting for you." "You wanna f" "What?" "Let's f" " Water..." "Now, why are you smoking?" "'Cause it's sexy." "Doesn't get much hotter than that." "Grace, you know, I've been thinking there's a lot of things I haven't shared with you." "Well, why don't we start sharing?" "Uh, no, no, no." "I'm serious." "Like, I have a weak side, a vulnerable side." "How about your front side?" "Oh!" "No." "It's really important that we share something other than" "Whoa!" "I want to have sex." "I want to talk!" "Come on!" "Don't you want me?" "No!" "I want to tell you about my pets Snork and Chairman Meow!" "Take me!" "I'm not a piece of meat!" "Talk to me!" "I don't want to talk!" "I don't want to have sex!" "I don't want you in my living room!" "Get out!" "Have your sex in the gym like normal people." "Will, you don't understand." "Karen told me he's losing interest." "Yeah, well, Karen told me that sex is all I have to offer." "And Karen told me that Christmas celebrates the birth of our lord Cartier." "I mean, come on." "Karen?" "You don't take relationship advice from Karen." "You get advice on" " I don't know-- what wine goes with mood stabilizers." "You're fine together." "Your relationship is fine." "I feel kind of..." "So do I." "Do you want to go talk?" "About Snork and Chairman Meow?" "Hell, no." "Straight people are so crazy." "Hello!"