"Previously on Weeds." "Everybody all right?" "Snowflake?" "She's in shock." "Slap her." "What's this?" "You're looking at a fine and probably an anti-drug class." "I wrote a gangsta rap about killing Devon Mensler with my gat." "My therapist says I'm just acting out 'cause my dad's dead." "Judah was my brother." "I miss him too, Nancy." "Look, I made a mistake, okay?" "I don't want Chelsea." "I don't want any other girl." "I want you." "Could my cover business eventually become my real business?" "What do you think about this place as the bakery?" "I have cancer." "What do you think about these?" "I don't give a flying fuck if you do have cancer." "Put your tits away in front of my kid." "I love you, mommy." "I love you, mommy." "Shit!" "Good morning ladies and "jointleman"!" "My name is Billy, I'm a pothead and I think these weekly marijuana anonymous meetings really help me quit 'cause every Saturday between 9 and 10," "I don't get high!" "Jesus!" "What a nimrod!" "One time I was staring at my aquarium just wondering" ""after fishes have sex, do they fight about who sleeps on the dry spot?"" "If we have to sit through this dreck, they should pass out loose joints at the door." "It's the only human thing to do." "Hey, man!" "Comedy is Billy's art." "Don't be calling Billy's art dreck." "I didn't think so but the judge disagreed." "Okay, so let's all join me in the serenity prayer." "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can't change and the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference." "Amen!" "What does this mean?" "It's just boiler plate legal ease for release." "Hey!" "Don't look at me." "I'm fucked up on cornbread." "What maked me think I could run a bakery?" "Me." "Nancy, you just have to make it look like you're running a bakery to legitimize your dealing." "You just called me a dealer!" "You are a dealer!" "We're in my house!" "I'm not a dealer." "I'm a mother!" "Who happens to distribute illegal products through a sham bakery set up by my ethically questionable CPA and his crooked lawyer friend." "At least I can get myself off." "What's that supposed to mean?" "In court, I'm a lawyer, I can get myself off." "Maybe I should have gone to law school." "You need a cool nickname like "Ice peek"." " Who's Ice peek?" " It's my old drug dealer." "What happened to him?" "He opened a sham deli and got busted." "I'm joking!" "I'm joking!" "He went back to Pittsburgh." "Mom!" "Mom!" "Mom!" "Do we have any batteries?" "No." "Are you sure?" "Trust me, no." "Well, can we go to Cosco?" " Not now, honey." " I'm bored." "Then read a book." "Okay." "Please sign here." "Wait, wait, wait." "I haven't explained everything yet." "All yours, Smoky!" "Smoky?" "I'm working on it." " Hi, I'm Andy." " Hi, I'm Sharon." "Sharon, this is my first meeting." "I just had to tell you I was so moved by your words." "Well, they're not my words, it's a prayer." "But you had such convictions." "You were kind of rude during sharing." "And you were late." "I'm having a really hard time off the pot." "It makes me so cranky and unpunctual." "I'm sorry about that." "No, I understand." "That's very hard and" "Billy is kind of a nimrod." "Yeah, he's kind of a nimrod." "So what do you think about your first meeting?" "Hum... truthfully?" "I'm not really sure I'm strong enough to stay clean." "Well, I think that if you're honest with yourself and you're willing to share with the group, you can do this." "So right." "That's really what I want." "It's everything that you said." "God!" "You're so together and beautiful." "Sponsor me." "No." "There're people here who are better qualified to help you." "And sponsors should really be the same sex." "Why?" "So there's no emotional ties between the sponsor and the sponsee." "What about gays?" "Are you gay?" "Would you sponsor me?" "Andy..." "Okay, look... here it is: when I was young, my stepfather, he..." "I can't talk to men." "I have no trust for them." "If I have no one I can open up to... then I fear the worst." "I'm frightened, Sharon," "I'm alone and I'm frightened." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Welcome!" "It's the last time I do this." "Better get over your fear of bullets, girl." "Give me some time!" "I'm sure it's unacquired taste." "You know what?" "Find yourself another delivery boy." "Strong proud black men like myself tend to stick out around here." "Smells like vindaloo." "Good nose!" "I know." "Where you gonna store this stuff, girl?" "At home." "Why the hell would you bring it home?" "'Cause that's where I keep it." "You don't need to bring home the weed you know you're gonna moving real quick, right?" "You're lucky you've got them pretty eyes and that sweet badunkadunk." "What?" "The booty's nice." "Thank you." "Heylia keeps her weed at home." "Yeah, but Heylia ain't got two kids running around, does she?" "And she damn sure ain't got a sweet place like this." "Strangest thing: banks will not give small business loans to people poor, black, soon-to-be grandmothers in West Adams." "They will only give loans to white dealers." "Don't call me a dealer." "Baby, a sexy spade is still a spade." "Don't get old." "It's no good." "Everyday I'm sweating through me clothes, but down there, dry like the Mojave." "That sucks." "Lupita, I need to tell you something." "My cousin Alejandro - " "The baseball player?" "Or the drunk?" "No, the baseball player." "He says that your Mrs." "is messing with his business." "What?" "!" "He says your Mrs. sells weed." "Your cousin is crazy." "How does she pay for all this?" "Simple, she's a skinny white lady in America." "What are we playing?" "Terrorists." "I'm hungry." "You can eat once your oppressionist government releases our prisoners." "Do you guys have fruit rollups?" "Silence!" "Come in!" "Hi!" "Let me save you some typing, okay?" "I'm an asshole!" "I'm an asshole!" "I'm an asshole!" "I'm an asshole!" "So, are we cool?" "You're an asshole." "Alright." "Sealer closet, hidden locks, turkey bags, seal-a-meal." "These are the things that you need to know." "Turkey bags?" "You need to build yourself a secret locker and you need to line that locker with sealer, that's gonna help keep the bugs out." "I should be writing this down." "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" "Are you trying to get us arrested?" "Look, protect that locker with a secret lock." "Now, the weed that you break into on a daily." "You wanna store that in your turkey bags, that's gonna help hide the smell but then again you could probably just sprinkle that shit all over the countertops" "I wouldn't be able to tell in this place." "How do you not know any of this?" "I live in Agrestic." "Do you know how to turn on automatic sprinklers?" "Hey, Silas!" "Shit." "Give me the weed." "What weed?" "Don't fuck around!" "Give me the weed." "Jesus." "Is this what you wanna be?" "A couple of fucking teenage burnouts?" "Oh!" "I'm 16!" "I have zits!" "Life's so tough." "Oh!" "I'm deaf!" "I can't hear!" "Life's so unfair!" "What are you gonna do with it?" "How about if I give it to your mother?" "You wouldn't." "If Marijuana Anonymous teaches us anything, smoking dope might be a lot of fun right now, soon you're gonna learn it teaches you to live in a privately defined world, a world that gets smaller and smaller as you box yourself in" "and narrow your options to absolutely nothing." "That's pretty much cashed." "You American dogs have 24 hours to comply and leave our country or else..." "You are seriously twisted, Strange Botwin." "Don't say my name, infidel!" "Why does she see Mr. Doug so often?" "And why does Mr. Doug always smoke weed after?" "Maybe she's fucking Mr. Doug." "Nobody fucks Mr. Doug." "What a loser." "I tell you, I believe Alejandro." "Alejandro is full of shit." "That's right." "Because he can't sell his shit no more." "'Cause your Mrs. is doing it." "What are you looking for?" "Are you stealing from us?" "This!" "My family needs this menora." "Mom said you once stole one of her rings." "What?" "But then she found it." "I think you probably just wanna put your safe right here." "I'll pay you to install it." "You already owe me for a car hood, I haven't seen a dime of that." "Got to offer me something else." "What do you want?" "Hello?" " Nancy?" " Celia." "What are you doing here?" "I refuse to sit around the house for 3 days... waiting." "Puppies are coming off, Nanc'." "And I'm thinking it's time to take them out for one last walk." "Alright, who's the hottie?" "My carpenter, Conrad." "Conrad, this is Celia." "Hey!" "Hello, carpenter." "Do you wanna see something?" "Celia, you have to stop flashing your boobs..." "Speak when spoken to!" "Here today, gone tomorrow." "It's symbolic." "My homage to temporary permanence." "They're beautiful." "Whoa, thank you." "Would you like to take them out dancing tonight?" "He doesn't have time to go dancing." "Come on, Nancy!" "We'll go out." "All of us." "I've been fully waxed and I have a brand new tattoo." "I am not going to take no for an answer." "You have a husband!" "Who's white and Jewish." "If we were going out for Kreplach, maybe..." "Let's raid your fridge." "Hey!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "No more typing, alright?" "Let's just talk." "I wanna hear your voice." "Why not?" "I hate my voice." "How do you know?" "You can't hear it." "Listen, come on." "I promise you it will be okay." "Just talk." "It's me, okay?" "Just talk to me." "Please." "Please!" "Hey!" "Take that, you kraut bastards!" "What are you doing?" "Killing nazis." "Don't hurt your thumbs." "Oh!" "So now you're selling weed and turning tricks." "Girl's gotta support two kids and her brother-in-law." "Not after we turn that bakery into a goldmine." "Just like the Jesus t-shirts." "And the ostrich farm, huh?" "Yeah, you're right." "Much better to be a pot dealer." "I'm not getting sucked into your bullshit right now." "Okay, tap into your higher power." "If i could tap into my higher power, my fingers wouldn't be numb." "Mom!" "Check this out!" "This is so cool!" "Are you going out?" "Yes, sweety but I'll look at that first thing in the morning, okay?" "Be good." "Hey, buddy!" "Come hang out with me." "Pass." "Is it true what they say that once a white woman's been with a carpenter, she never goes back." "Baby, when I nail something, it stays nailed." "Wait right here." "I have cancer and jungle fever and tonight one of them is going to get cured." "Hey, sponsor!" "Hi." "Huh..." "I'm really losing it." "I need to talk to you." "My girlfriend just broke up with me." "No, no, no, I need to..." "I need to see you." "I'm sitting here with a joint in one hand and a lighter in the other." "And huh..." "I'm never gonna make it through the night." "Please!" "Please, I'm begging you." "You've got a nice badunkadunk." "Ever happened to you: you live your whole life without hearing an expression and then your hear it twice in one day?" "Would you like some champagne?" "No, thank you." "Something tells me it's best to stay sober around you." "Now why would you say that?" "I had to go through a metal detector but you and your friends came through the back entrance." "And that makes me nervous." "I make you nervous?" "Guns make me nervous, you make me curious." "Says the white lady in the black club." "What's your story?" "I came with Conrad." "Are you buying or selling?" "I'm a suburban baroness of bud." "Nancy." "Tusk." "Nice to meet you, Tusk." "What do you do?" "I'm a businessman." "Are you now?" "Do you have any kids?" "I do." "Two boys and a girl." "I have two boys." "I'm not with them enough." "How do you keep your business separate from your family?" "They live in Atlanta." "Don't you miss them?" "I'd miss them more if they were dead." "You got a man?" "He died of a heart attack." "He was fun." "We had a good fit." "Now I run around all day but I don't have anyone to talk to." "You're talking to me." "What am I doing?" "You're doing what all of us are doing, baby." "You're getting by." "Lupita!" "Still looking for something?" "I cleaning." "You wanna help me build a pillow fort?" "Okay." "Is nothing to find here anyway." "I get more pillows." "Lupita, hurry up!" "Me and my girlfriend, Vanessa, we loved to get high and have spiritually, passionate, uninhibited sex..." "It wasn't even sex." "It was better than sex." "It was like a tantric mind meld." "Well, it was less mind and more meld." "That's why I have to get wasted, you know, but" "I know it will just make me miss Valery even more and the pain will be as bad as the sex was good." "I get it." "No, I don't think you do." "I really loved Veronica." "No, believe me, I get it." "Nothing used to make me happier than getting high and having passionate, uninhibited sex." "Really?" "Yeah, in fact..." "What?" "I can't believe I'm telling you this." "I can only climax if I'm high." "Mind my head." "Oh God!" "Nanc'!" "Come here, you gotta check this out." "Not right now, Andy." "It's been a long night." "No, no, no, I think you need to see this." "What are we playing?" "Terrorists." "I'm hungry." "You can eat once your oppressionist government releases our prisoners." "Do you guys have fruit rollups?" "Silence!" "You American dogs have 24 hours to comply and leave our country!" "Or else!" "You are seriously twisted, Strange Botwin." "Don't say my name, infidel!" "Hi, mom!" "What am I gonna do with him?" "He shot a mountain lion, he wrote a gangsta rap, now he's making terrorists videos." "Yeah and huh..." "I melted Army Man and I peed on the neighbor's kid and I blew up frogs." "I was young and it was 4th of July and" "Judah dared me." "The point is that little boys do this shit, you know." "Mostly 'cause they're dumb." "Or they want attention." "Shane's not dumb." "And the bright side, I think we got a little Scorcese on our hands." "Chicks love this cutting-edge directors." "Man!" "That kid is gonna get laid by the time he's 11." "Sweet dreams." "I want a raise." "You up, kiddo?" "Yep." "I saw your video." "And?" "And the infidels are ready to meet your demands." "I love you." "You fucking better."