"Hey, Dad." "There he is." "My favorite right fielder." "Till I lose the ball in the sun and then I'm that kid your wife adopted." "We have a game next Saturday and we've only got eight guys." "Um, I can't I'm--I'm bartending that night." "Yes!" "I mean, aww." "Tell your mother I asked you." "Morning." "Oh, Dad, I got your message." "I can't play Saturday." "You asked Amy before me?" "No." "Alan, Sheila from the senior center just called." "It's a no go for Saturday." "Hi, honey." "Mom, guess who's being honored by their drug company for reaching the quarter million mark in sales?" " Oh, honey!" " That's great!" "Really?" "It's that tough to sell addictive pain meds?" "Hey, I don't make up these diseases." "The ad agencies do." "Anyway, they're putting my picture in the company newsletter." "We need to celebrate as a family." "We're celebrating that?" "Perhaps when you make $12 in tips one night, we'll have a David party." "Alan, make reservations at the club." "Done, dinner for four." "Five." "You forgot about Jared." "No, I didn't." "Well, of course Jared has to come." "Why?" "Because he's my boyfriend." "Why?" "Daddy." "Alan, she's already lost him once." "The next time he leaves, it is for good." "Thanks, Mom, maybe you should write that on the cake." "Can't it just be family?" "Well, I can't go because I'm working the bar tonight, so..." "Hey, Dad, what's going on?" "Well, I just don't want to have to entertain a stranger." "I'm getting the feeling that you don't like Jared." "I like him fine." "It's just I don't like spending time with him." "You just have to get to know him better." "Your father agrees." "We'll do it." "I never agreed to that." "Yes, and hearing you clear your throat 600 times a day wasn't in my wedding vows, but yet here we are." "Jared, thank you for joining us to celebrate Amy's big night." "It means the world to me that I'm included." "Usually, things like this are just family." "Tell me about it." "How about you two gentlemen get us a table while we freshen up?" "It'll give you a chance to bond." "To bond, Alan." "Bond." "So I spoke to your father, and he is under strict orders to sit up, engage, and allow Jared to charm him." "What does Dad have against Jared?" "Nothing." "It's just that your father feels he's already met all the people he's going to like." "And half of those he can't stand." "So did you tell Jared to be on his best behavior?" "Why would I do that?" "Because we want this to work." "But Jared's his own man." "Honey, that is so brave of you." "A man needs to be guided, like a horse." "You can never let go of the reins." "Mom, Jared's not a horse." "I don't need to control him." "How do you interact?" "Jared just moved back in." "I wanna just go with the flow." "I told Jared to be himself." "Oh, God." "So..." "What are you two yucking it up about?" " Tons." " Silverware's nice." "Barkeep, David, Mommy's thirsty." "It must be tough to watch my dad try to get to know Jared better." "Actually, it's perfect." "Jared can't help but be himself, i.e. a douche, and that will make your dad hate him, henceforth breaking them up and driving Amy into my waiting arms." "So here we all are." "Aren't we all here, Alan?" "Sorry, huh?" "So, Jared, you a big Dolphins fan?" "Nah, dolphins creep me out." "Everybody always wants to go swimming with the dolphins." "Me?" "I wanna be left alone by the dolphins." "People are always forcing the issue." "What do dolphins want with me?" "I'm a human." "It's like, does a dolphin wake up in the morning and go," ""what a great day, I get to swim with some pasty tourists!"" "Dad, Jared has a lot of strong opinions." "A lot of long ones too." "Wow, this is the most uncomfortable I've ever been." "Right now." "Just putting that on the table." "Let's talk about the elephant in the room, Alan." "To be honest, I don't like sitting here with you right now, sir." "You think I like it?" "[Laughs]" "[Laughs]" "This kid's all right." "Not afraid to say what he's thinking." "Very impressive." "Let's go get a cocktail." "As long as it's not one of those girl drinks that looks like toilet water." "I know, what is up with that?" "Liquor should be either clear or brown." "If you're drinking one of those neon drinks, you might as well be wearing a dress." "No offense, pool man." "I knew it would work out all along." "You got lucky." "No, Mom, that's what happens when you just trust in your man and let it flow." "Right." "Wrong." "Married." "Dating a man who's afraid of dolphins." "Hey, Mr. Robbins." "We're way beyond mister." "Call me Alan." "Okay, Alan." "Amy's not here." "No, I came to see you." "Thanks for dinner last night." "Oh, my pleasure." "Thanks for picking up the tip." "Yeah." "So, Jared, we have an open spot on the softball team." "Oh, my gosh, I'd be honored to play with you." "Good, I brought David's uniform." "Am I replacing David?" "Let's not call it replacing David." "Let's call it being better than David." "You haven't even seen me play." "Trust me, you're better." "David would have dropped that." "Uh, have a seat." "Hang out." "Whoa, this couch is like a brick." "Yeah, I had this fantastic massage chair, but it's in storage, so..." "Storage?" "Are you kidding?" "A man should have his chair." "Yeah, I probably should, shouldn't I?" "Just doesn't really go in here with the color scheme." "I'm sorry." "I couldn't hear you." "Amy was talking--oh, wait, that was you." "No, it's just that, I don't know, she's the woman." "No, you're the woman." "She doesn't ask much of me." "Oh, boy, I see the writing on this wall." "Well, how so?" "Women try to rein you in, and if you let Amy do that, you'll resent her." "Stake your claim." "What about you?" " Too late." " Hmm." "So has Jared spooked your dad yet?" "You know, I don't know." "I actually haven't seen much of my dad for the last few days." "Barkeep, a beer for me, and one for the game winner." "Sure." "Hey, Jared." "Is that my uniform?" "Yeah, your dad gave it to me." "It's a little tight in the crotch, but I'll try not to stretch it out too much." "Thanks." "Hey, Brandon." "Oh, you were short a player today." "Maybe I missed a call." "No missed calls." "[Awkward chuckle]" "So, David, you should see this kid pitch." "Yeah, the team even gave me a nickname-- "Not David."" "David, could you bring those beers over to me and "Not David"?" "We're going to go bask in our victory." "Come, Jared, bask with me." "Preparing to bask." "Can't believe he gave Jared my uniform with my number on it." "He always said I was the only zero on the team." "Well, you played a great game." "You know it was the strangest thing." "I thought I heard someone booing." "That was your brother." "Well enough about him." "Why don't you, uh, hit the showers, and we'll see what happens after." "Well, I did score four runs today." "I might as well score a fifth." "Get your ass out here!" "Jared, what the hell is that?" "Ah, that's my chair." "Yeah, I know." "I thought we said that that chair would look better in storage." "Yeah, but I was on the couch the other day and my bottom went numb and I thought, "that's not good."" "So I thought, "hey, why not bring my ass back to life?"" "[Sighs]" "It's got memory foam." "No, no, we agreed that we wouldn't combine our stuff until we got a bigger place." "Yeah, but I was talking to you Dad" " Big Al-- and he said I should be comfortable." ""Big Al"?" "So glad I've gotten to know" "Big Al better, and it's all thanks to you, little Ame." "[Mimics gunshot]" "Oh...yeah." "This is exactly what I was hoping for." "Hey, wait till you see this." "[Chair vibrates] [Sighs]" "Hey, do you wanna do it in the chair?" "It takes a lot of the work out of it for me." "Oh, hey Mom." "Um, where's Dad?" "He's at your place." "Exactly." "All the time." "You know how you said you need to rein in your man?" " Uh-huh." " Rein in your man!" "What?" "Mom, he's putting all these ideas into Jared's head." "You know, I have to say, your husband is a bad influence." "What are you talking about?" "He told Jared to be comfortable, and now there's a big, padded, giant turd in my apartment." "Your father is a lot of things dear, but he is not a padded turd." "I'm talking about a chair." "Jared has a favorite chair, and it is so ugly." "And now thanks to Dad, he's under the impression that just because he lives there, his opinion matters?" "You could have nipped this in the bud at the restaurant by controlling your man, but now we're all--how did you put it?" ""Going with the flow."" "So you won't talk to him?" "No, I won't." "Right." "Wrong." "I will not lose my man to you, you cheap, leather-wearing bitch." "There's my girl." "Oh, hey, Amy." "All systems go." "[Chair vibrates] [Sighs]" "Oh, there it is." "Get all up in there." "Give it to me." "[Laughs]" "Should I leave you two alone?" "What's up, J-rock?" "Big A's in the house." "Hey, Big Al." "Come check out my girl." "Mmm-mmm." "Mmm." "Mmm." " It's a beauty." " Eh?" "Great, now both apes are dancing around the fire." "Here, come sit in the Captain's chair." "The only reason I have it is because of you." "Have a seat." "I call her Veronica." "Oh, this is amazing." "Not sure how this'll sound but I think my ass just found a new best friend." "Hello, boys." "Hey." "Nice lamp, Dad." "I think so." "Stop." "What?" "What is that, Alan?" "A hula lamp." "Uh-huh." "I found it in the garage." "Bully for you." "Take it to the trash." "It's my favorite lamp." "I got it serving overseas during the Korean War." "Working in an ice cream shop in Key West is not serving overseas." "I was serving, and it was over a sea." "Jared got to bring in his chair from storage." "Alan." "The lamp stays." "And don't even think about dropping it accidentally while you clean." "I know that trick." "Don't get comfortable, hula whore." "[Knock on door]" "Well, I hope you're happy." "There is a God awful hula lamp sitting on my end table thanks to you and your freakin' go with the flow." "[Gasps]" "Oh, sweet Jesus, there it is." "It's not that bad." "People have been executed in more attractive chairs." "You're overreacting." "Overreacting?" "If anything, I'm under-reacting." "We have to get rid of this chair." "How do you wanna do it?" "Give it to charity?" "Make it look like a robbery?" "We'll need to break a window." " We're not breaking a window." " You don't understand." "There is a revolution afoot, and it's all your fault because you, young lady-- well not-so-young lady-- have interrupted the natural order of things." "You let a wild horse into the corral and now all the other horses are digging ugly lamps out of the garage." "It's just a hula lamp." "It's the tip of an iceberg known as "the end of civilization."" "Also known as "men getting their way."" "Come here, dear." "Grab a side and we'll pitch it over the balcony." "Mom?" "This chair is a symbol of your father and Jared's rebellion." "If we allow this, we allow anything." "But chairs and hula lamps make them happy." "If they're happy, aren't we happy?" "No, if we're happy, they're happy." "It doesn't work the other way around." "Now lift!" "No, Mom, stop." "Look, I can learn to live with it." "Honest, I can learn to make peace with this." "Hey, babe." "Hey Mrs. R." "Got some more stuff out of storage." "Very exciting." "More stuff out of storage, you say?" "Well, let's see what's in that little box of tricks." "You might wanna focus, Amy." "Um, Jared, honey, put that stuff away." "We'll go through it later." "Put it away?" "Are you kidding?" "This is like Christmas morning." "It really is." "Oh, are those superhero dolls?" "Huh, wow, they're called action figures." "And if I put them on eBay, their servers would explode." "Ooh, these are marvelous." "You know where they'd look good?" "On the mantle!" "Ah, I was thinking in the bedroom right on top of the headboard." "Even better." "And how about this guy?" "Don't you love this clock?" "Look at the little cowboy." "Giddyup, buckaroo." "Jared, honey, you know" "Aren't you just at peace with this clock?" "Uh, you can go now, mother." "Why?" "We're having so much fun going with the flow." "Please tell me there's something in this box with the word "Jagermeister" on it." "Kitchen, probably." "No!" "I mean, it's--it's nice." "No, it's not." "It's hideous." "Put it back in the box." "Put it all back..." "in...the..box." "[Panting]" "I don't understand." "I can't do this any more." "I can't go with the flow." "Action figures go on our headboard, and you can be sure they'll be safe, because that bed will never shake again." "Well, I'm at a loss, Jared." "I don't know where all this came from." "I should go." "When I leave the building, I'll keep an eye out for falling lounge chairs." "What's going on, Ames?" "Look, I don't wanna be one of those women who has to control every part of her guy's life, but I think it's been programmed in me." "You don't control my life." " I don't?" " No." "You may think you do, and that's a credit to me, but you don't." "Oh, okay, well, then I hate your chair." "But everything in here is yours." "Maybe we could compromise." "I put everything in the box back in storage, and we keep just the chair." "Maybe, or you can put everything back in storage and make your girl very, very happy." "But the chair makes me happy." "And if I'm happy, aren't you happy?" "Oh, no, it doesn't work that way." "It only works the other way around." "When you smile at me like that, you are very tough to resist." "I am irresistible." "No, don't do the thing where you smile so wide that your eyes twinkle like all the stars in the night sky." "Oh, I'll tell you what." "Why don't we give that chair a proper send off before you bring it back?" "Really?" "You thinking what I'm thinking?" "Oh, yeah." "A three way with Veronica." "Au revoir, monsieur turd." "Not you." "The chair." "Mom I should have listened to you from the beginning." "Oh, honey, you'll learn." "So I was never gonna get to keep the chair?" "Of course not, but you'll use it to get something else." "Oh, I do have my eye on this really nice big screen TV." "There you go." "What's your next move?" "The NFL package." "I originally thought I'd have to go to couples yoga to get it, but now I'll just trade in this hula lamp." "[Laughs]" "Alan wants the NFL package." "I think I'll give it to him." "You will?" "Yeah, he'll think I'm giving in, but really I was ready to let him get it three years ago." "So the NFL package is in exchange for getting rid of the hula lamp?" "No." "It's in exchange for him going to couples yoga with me." "Well what about the hula lamp?" "Already taken care of." "Looks like it's couples yoga." "She's good." "She's very good."