"Oh, no, Mom put the lawn jockey out again." " Please don't make me go in there." " Relax, it's just dinner." "We'll have a bite to eat, we're in, we're out." "Isn't that what Hansel said to Gretel?" "Heh." "It'll be fine." "We just have to agree on an exit strategy." "Oh, absolutely, an exit strategy." "I could say I don't feel well." "I already used "Molly doesn't feel well" to get out of coming over last Sunday." "You had shingles, by the way." "How about we tell her I have papers to grade?" "Not bad, not bad." "I was gonna go with lice, but she keeps a can of RID and a metal comb underneath the sink." " We'll go with papers to grade." "Now, do we need a signal so I know when you're ready to leave?" "The tears streaming down my face not enough, huh?" "When one of us says "egg salad" that means wrap it up and get the hell out." "How am I supposed to work "egg salad" into a conversation?" " You just did." " Ha, ha, ha." "All right, forget "egg salad."" "Uh, how about when one of us goes, "Hey, you know what's a great song?" "'Papa Loves Mambo."'" "Egg salad, it is." "Hang on." "Let me just apologize in advance for whatever horrors lie within those walls." "Well, I guess this is part of being a couple." "I like hearing you call us a couple." "I like saying it." "Molly and Mike." "You guys gonna suck face all day or you coming inside?" "Egg salad." "Egg salad, egg salad." "You kids want some more coffee?" "Mom, you shouldn't be walking around on that bad toe." "What's the worst that can happen, it turns black and falls off?" "I got eight more." "You really should see a doctor, Mrs. Biggs." "You don't want it to get infected." "Well, that'll teach me for going to that Vietnamese manicurist." "That crazy mama-san went after my cuticle like she was hacking down a banana leaf." "How's the pie?" "Really delicious." "More in the kitchen if you're still hungry." "None for me." "I had a big bowl of egg salad for lunch." "I could go for another little sliver of pie." "Mikey does love his pie." "You do any baking?" "No, I don't cook much." "I work a lot." "And between school and the shingles, I..." "When Mikey was a little boy, I worked full-time in the school cafeteria and still managed to put a hot meal on the table." "School cafeteria, huh?" "I bet that's why you're such a good cook." "Well, you pick up a few culinary tricks when you're stirring goulash with a boat oar." "By the way, I bought you a present." "Really?" "Aw." "That's really very sweet." "I know." "Ahh, heh." "It's a hat, right?" "Didn't know your head size." "But the fellow that worked there was about your build and it fit him, so..." " I don't know what to say." " Try it on." "Mm, ha, ha." "Yeah, that's what I thought it would look like." "Whoa." "Did you lose a bet?" "No, Mike, your mother bought me this beautiful hat as a gift." " Looks nice on her, doesn't it?" " Absolutely." "What color yellow is that?" "Kind of a egg salad, right?" "Yes." "Well, thank you for dinner and the lovely hat." "Why don't you wear it when you come over for Thanksgiving?" "You were planning on coming over for Thanksgiving?" "Actually, we're going to Molly's house this year, right?" "Okay." "Yeah, she's been prepping for weeks." " I thought you told me you didn't cook." " And I don't, normally." "But for Thanksgiving, I am a regular Martha Stewart." "Turkey, stuffing assorted, uh, colorful Jell-Os, and, um..." "Well, I guess Jim and I will just split a can of hash and listen to the radio." " That sounds like a nice Thanksgiving." " Mike, no." "Papa loves mambo" "Stop it." "Stop it, stop." "Mama loves mam..." "Uh, we would love to have you join us for Thanksgiving dinner." "Well, if you're sure I won't be a bother." "No, no bother." "Can I bring Jim?" "He gets nervous when I leave him alone and practically chews his testicles raw." "What happened in there?" "You went completely off the rails." "What was I supposed to do?" "She sat there with that pathetic look." "No, she sensed your weakness and then pounced." "You can't ever drop your guard or look the beast directly in the eye." "Hey, I called an egg salad audible before that happened." "Somebody mentions pie and the whole exit strategy goes out the window." "Oh, "a big bowl of egg salad."" "I thought that was weird when you said that." "Your mom's invited to a Thanksgiving dinner that's not even taking place." "What?" "Doesn't your family cook a big meal?" "All right, picture my mom and my sister." "Now imagine them working with appliances more complex than a blender or a bong." "Okay, but you can cook, right?" "A little bit, but I've never prepared a Thanksgiving dinner before." " You gotta be kidding me." " Is that a deal-breaker for you, sport?" "Okay, let's not lash out at each other." "Do you know how much work is involved with preparing a Thanksgiving dinner?" "I don't." "I'm brought in when someone says:" ""What the hell are we gonna do with the rest of this food?"" "But we'll figure it out together, you and me, working as a team." " Our first Thanksgiving." " All right, I'll do this." "But only because I want your mom to see me as a strong, capable woman." "I'm still wearing the hat, aren't I?" "Damn it." "You're getting an early start this morning, doodlebug." "Yeah, it's really busy at the mortuary." "I could barely put makeup on one cadaver before another three are breathing down my neck." "Well, it's still better than cocktail waitressing." "At least no dead guy's tried to grab your ass or honk your boob." " Yet." " Oh, morning there." " Good morning." "Guys, listen, Mike and I are making Thanksgiving dinner for his mom here." "Maybe you could help out a little." "Oh, Mol, I'm so sorry." "I've got a previous engagement." "I'm gonna take shrooms and go to the Blackhawks game." "Yeah, and Vince and I are going to an Indian casino to drink whiskey and play slots." "That's how you spend Thanksgiving?" "Well, sweetie, we stole that land from those poor people." "The least we can do is buy their firewater and lose plenty wampum." "Come on, guys." "I wanna show Mike's mom that I can pull off a normal, traditional family Thanksgiving." "And God help me, you're my normal, traditional family." " What do you think?" " Sure, I guess." "Thank you." "I'm still gonna get wasted." "I'm wasted right now." "It's 7:00 in the morning." "You try putting lipstick on a dead guy without a load on." "Thanks, man." "My grandma's gonna love this." "Really?" "I mean, it's fairly hideous." "No, she loves ugly hats." "She wore one last Sunday that looked like Bert and Ernie in a cage match." "Listen, how'd you like to come over for Thanksgiving?" "Huh." "Eating turkey off a TV tray and watching that dog chew himself every time your mom leaves?" "I think not." "No, we're having it at Molly's house this year." "My mom, her mom, her sister." "Grandma and I are going to the potluck at church." " Well, bring Nana with you." " I don't know." "There are a lot of single ladies." "They're vulnerable during the holidays." "They'll throw you one on Turkey Day just so they can have a date on Christmas." "Please, you can't leave me alone in that henhouse." "I invited Samuel to come with us." "Can I bring him to Molly's place?" "Absolutely." "Molly won't mind." "The more, the merrier." "Hey, Samuel, change in plans." "We're having Thanksgiving with Mike and Molly." "Oh, that sounds very nice." "My roommates and I will be happy to attend." " Roommates?" " We will prepare a traditional Senegalese delicacy." "Have you ever eaten monkey brains fresh from the skull?" "That's disgusting." "But you're fine with old bread from a bird's ass." "Okay, I'm gonna need some more bread for the stuffing." " Whee!" " Mike, Mike, Mike!" "You wanna wait in the car?" "You wanna wait in the car?" "Because I will put you in the car." " Sorry." " Okay, now for the turkey." "Let's see, there's, uh, six of us and the magazine says you buy a half a pound of turkey per person." "Really?" "That's only 3 pounds of bird." "You might as well just yank a pigeon out of a car grill." "Know what?" "Let's get the 20-pounder." "Better safe than sorry." " We're not gonna eat that much turkey." " You sure?" "What if there's some, you know, last-minute drop-ins?" " Like who?" " Well, anybody, really." "I mean, Carl might drop by and he might bring his grandma." "Who knows, Samuel might pop over to say hi and introduce us to his five Senegalese roommates." "Oh, God, what have you done?" "This is the first turkey I've cooked." "I don't wanna give half of Chicago salmonella." "Hey, worrywart, I'm there for you." "I'll carve the bird, I'll shuck the corn." "I'll peel the potatoes for the au gratin with crispy, melted cheese on top." "I'm making mashed potatoes." "Really?" "Aw." "I mean, oh, boy, mashed potatoes." "I love me some mashed potatoes." "You said I could push the cart." "Oh." "Mike, time to get up." "Come on." "We gotta get the turkey in the oven." "I gotta start boiling potatoes." "Mike." "What?" "What's going on?" "Take off the machine and get up." "Ugh, what time is it?" "It's 5 a.m. We gotta get the meal started." "It's still dark outside." "Well, that giant turkey needs 11 hours to cook." "This giant man needs eight hours of sleep." "Get up." "What?" "What happened?" "Ugh, quit your whining." "The only people up this early are crackheads and prostitutes." "Whoa." "What are you guys doing up so early?" "Thanksgiving." "We gotta put the turkey in the oven." "Cool." "Wake me up so I don't miss the big floating Bullwinkle." "She asks me that 12 times a year." "I don't think it has anything to do with Thanksgiving." "All right, I'll preheat the oven and get the potatoes started." " You remove the giblets from the turkey." " Got it." "And the giblets are what and where?" "Uh, well, let's see." "It says, "The heart, liver, gizzard and neck which are located in a bag in the carcass cavity."" "Ew, carcass cavity." "Two words you don't ever wanna hear together." "Reach in, pull them out, throw them away." "Can't I just sprinkle brown sugar over top of the sweet potatoes?" " We're not having sweet potatoes." " You gotta be kidding me." "Giblets, now." "All right, all right." "Oh, this is putrid." "You're a cop." "You've handled dead bodies before." "Yeah, but we don't have to do this to them." "It's like a gift bag from Jeffrey Dahmer." "Garbage, garbage, garbage." "Okay, what else?" "The stuffing from the refrigerator, put it in the turkey." "When the timer goes off, put it in the oven." "How come I'm doing all the work?" "Would you rather go out to the garage and haul in tables and chairs and wash and iron the table linens?" " No." "Well, then shut your piehole." "Good, we're having pie." "Oh, God." "This can't be good." "What the hell are you doing?" "Are you hell-bent on presentation or can we dismember this bastard?" "I told you it was too big." "Well, a smart person would've taken their oven dimensions to the store." "A smart person would've held your breathing tube longer." "This is a problem that can be solved." "If memory serves, you have a barbecue grill out back." " Yes." " Well, lucky for you your boyfriend is Mr. Barbecue." " Mm, do tell." "I have yet to meet a piece of beef, pork or poultry that I couldn't transform into a mouthful of smoky goodness." "Fine, do your magic." "FYI, my magic will require steak sauce hot and tangy mustard and three cans of beer." " Put beer in the turkey?" " Gonna put beer in the chef." "It's colder than a well digger's ass out here." "Come on." "Light, you son of a bitch." "Mash, you sons of bitches." "Mm." "Smells good in here." "Hey, did you make coffee?" "Yeah, six hours ago." "If you're taking orders, I love those au gratin potatoes." "Mashed." "We're having mashed." "No, you relax." "I'll get it." "I don't wanna waste the Viagra so if I fall asleep later from all the turkey, soldier on." "Grill's lit." "I might still be drunk from last night but I think I just saw a giant bear in the backyard with one of its paws on fire." "Mrs. Biggs, you're early." "Really, really early." "Well, I could walk around the block a few times." "But of course, I might lose this toe at some point." "No, no, no, come in." "Here." "It's my famous green bean casserole." "If anybody asks, the secret ingredient is salt." "Ooh, heh, that sounds delicious." "I came over early to see if I could pitch in and help." "Well, I think everything's pretty well taken care of." "Why don't you just sit down and make yourself at home." "Is Jim allowed on the furniture or are you an animal hater?" "No, it's fine." "I mean, he's clean, right?" "Oh, yeah." "He had his anal glands expressed a couple days ago." "He's cleaner back there than you or me." " Can I get you something to drink?" " Uh three fingers of Canadian whiskey with a splash of Tab." "And if we don't have Canadian whiskey?" "Then forget it." "I got a cough drop in my purse." " What the hell are you guys doing?" " Vince made mimosas." "You were all out of orange juice, so I used Sunny Delight." "What is that smell?" "Could be the crescent rolls or it could be your boyfriend's hand." "Somebody's gotta go talk to Mike's mom." "I'll do it." "Ugh, the weird thing is, you are my first choice." "Tough guy, huh?" "Well, say hello to my little friend." "Unh!" "Mike, I need you inside." "But I gotta watch the turkey." "No, now." "Your mom's here." "I either need you or your Taser." "But I could only get one side lit, so I gotta turn it every 10 minutes." "And every time I open the lid, the turkey ices over." "So how long is it gonna be before it's done?" "Smart money's on Christmas, around 5, 5:30." "God, could this day get any worse?" "You're not enjoying yourself?" "Because I was just standing out here thinking what a great day this is." "How do you figure?" "I woke up laying next to you." "We're spending our first Thanksgiving together." "I don't know how it gets any better than that." "Whoops." "It just got better." "So Molly tells me you're a widow." "Yeah, my husband passed away when the girls were still little." "You're lucky." "Mine fell in love with a whore and ran off to God-knows-where." "At least you know where yours is." "Let me tell you something." "Your ex-husband's an idiot because you're still a very handsome woman even with the weird dog and the bad toe." "Who the hell are you?" "Listen, everybody." "For those of you who had your hearts set on turkey today we got a teeny bit of bad news." " You burn it?" " Only on the outside." "On the inside, it's a glacier." "Well, don't worry about it, dear." "We all muck up our first couple of turkeys." "That's why the Lord invented gravy." "Let's see what we can salvage of this bird." "Thank you, Mrs. Biggs." "How are you fixed for salt?" " Knock, knock." " Happy Thanksgiving." "Happy Thanksgiving." " Hey." "Nice hat." "Thank you." "Egg salad." "You know, uh when Molly decided she wanted to throw a big Thanksgiving dinner I said, "Are you crazy?" "Do you know how much work that is?"" " Remember, sweetie?" " Mm-hm." "And, uh, although it may not look exactly like the cover of a magazine it looks beautiful to me." "And I'm thankful to be here with my mom and Joyce, Victoria and..." " I'm sorry?" " Vincent Moranto." "I'm dating the mom, not the gumdrop." "And of course, Carl and Nana." "You're like my second family." "And Samuel, I'm so happy you could join us this year and bring, uh..." " Sorry, you gotta help me out." " Mamadou, Moustapha Souleymane, Aziz and Frank." "Got it." "Next year, name tags." "Happy Thanksgiving, everybody." "Happy Thanksgiving." "I'll pass the salt." "Oh, yeah." "I know, I think I'm getting full." "No, that's it." "Ain't nothing missing on my plate." "Could you pass the stuffing?" "Oh, yeah."