"God, Chelsea, how can you always make more tips than me?" "Because I'm nicer than you." "And because you always act like you're better than everyone else." "It's not an act." "All right, guys, drinks are on me." "Oh, yeah!" "Whoo!" "Dudes." "Look, it's the iron pigs." "Are you sure it's not Menudo?" "No, they're the triple a baseball affiliate of the Philadelphia Phillies." "Triple A?" "That's my bra size." "That's my battery size." "Sweetie, those iron pigs are heroes." " They beat the Yankees." " Really?" "Well, the Yankees minor league team." "The way I was raised, anyone who beats the Yankees..." "Is family!" "That's my girl." "Well, it's the only actual lesson you taught me as a kid." "Chelsea!" "Don't you ever play with fire." "But I was going to burn this." "That's my girl!" "Hey, iron pigs." "Congrats on your big win." "Wow." "I mean, it's got to be my day." "I hit a game-winning grand slam, and now I have a beautiful woman about to bring me dinner." "That's sweet." "Seriously, what do you want?" "I don't have all day." "I want you to dance with me." "Oh, I can't dance, I'm working." "Oh, come on, you dance all the time while you're working." "Jerry loves it when the waitresses dance." "I'm such a yenta." "Hey, brother, do you have any salsa music back there?" "Ah, I don't know, man." "That's not really our usual..." "Yes, see, we don't have any." "But if it's going to embarrass Chelsea somehow," "I will make it happen." "I am not a great salsa dancer." "All you have to worry about is following my lead." "Yeah, see, I'm not good at those dances where the guy leads." "Wow, check out those arms." "And I bet he could go forever in bed because all he thinks about is baseball." "I think the problem is that you've never been with the right lead." "Yeah, that's what every guy and a couple of lesbians have told me." "Damn, he's good." "Wow." "If I was 10 years younger," "I'd be very confused right now." "Are you throwing darts, at the Yankees?" "Yeah." "That's how we celebrate opening day." "Ooh." "I nailed jeter." "Nice!" "You got 'em right in the a-rod!" "All right, come on, you guys." "Nikki's a Yankees fan." "Thank you, Rick." "They're just jealous because the Yankees are winners." "And if a man doesn't work out, they just buy a new one." "I hate the Yankees so much," "I won't even buy a Yankee candle." "Ooh, let me guess..." "You're a Sox fan." "That's right." "Born and raised in Boston." "But I also root for the Mets, because they hate the Yankees, too." "Yeah, this bar is Mets territory." "How can you say that 30 Miles from Yankee stadium?" "I try not to think about that." "My father was an Usher at Fenway park for 34 summers, and he loved every day of it, except when the Yankees came to town." "Those fans would abuse everyone who worked there." "I still remember my old man coming home, spit all over his uniform, exhausted, dehydrated." "Dehydrated?" "Yeah, well, he was spitting back at them." "Ok, listen, Chelsea's dad." "My grandmother Tess is an angry old person, too." "But I've learned to tolerate her nastiness by surrounding her with a white light and picturing her with a more appealing face." "And I'm going to do the same to you..." "Ryan gosling." "Interesting philosophy." "Namaste." "It's Tommy." " Did you just flip your hair?" " No!" "But you are putting on lip gloss." "I also hedged the runway, do you want to talk about it?" "Hey, Tommy." "Hey, babes." "Hey, you know, this one may stick." " It's already been two weeks." " Yeah, I know." "What, that's like two years for you and me." "Has it really been that long..." "Darling?" "Hey, dad." "You remember Tommy." " Yeah!" " Hey, how you doing, sir?" "How are you?" "Hi, son." "I think it's time we have a little chit-chat." "Oh, absolutely, sir." "I just want you to know you don't have to worry about your daughter." "I was raised to respect women." "Yeah, whatever." "Listen." "What I need to talk to you about is my High School baseball career." "I have a few anecdotes I'd like to share with you." "Three are funny, then one seems funny but later you'll be troubled." "Sorry." "You know, you better be careful with him, Chels." "Professional athletes are notorious dogs." "Hmm." "Are they worse than, random example, bartenders?" "Oh, yeah, yeah." "Baseball players, they have women lined up in motel parking lots." "Oh, they form lines?" "God, baseball sluts are so polite." "Hey, Rick," "I want to buy Melvin a beer." "Actually, Melvin wants me to buy Melvin a beer." "There you go, man." "Hey, um, question." "When's the next time you go on the road?" "Three days." "Three days?" "Yeah." "Oh, I thought I told you." "Yeah, just for a couple of weeks." "Yeah?" "So where do you guys stay when you're on the road?" "Motels." "Bet they have parking lots." "Yeah." "Parking lots." "No vacancy signs." "The works." "The works, huh?" "I have heard about the works." "Did he play ball?" "Um, no." "Why?" "I just thought he might have gotten hit in the head." "What are you guys doing?" "We're trying to start a trend." "And if it doesn't work, I'll eat my hat." "We're also trying to bring back that phrase." "We got really bored today." "You guys, I just found out that Tommy is going on the road." "Oh, that must be so much fun for the team, seeing America." "I've only been to New York and New Jersey." " Really?" " Mm-hmm." "You wouldn't know it 'cause I feel like" "I've been all around the world with Matt Lauer." "Hey, are you worried about Tommy hooking up while he's gone?" "I think I am." "I think somebody's falling for somebody." "Oh, you're somebody and he's the other somebody." "I don't know." "I mean, usually I can't stand alpha males." "But Tommy is so good at it." "And I just follow along and it's fantastic." "But following is so not me but I love it." "But it's not me." "But I love it." "My body hurts." "My dad used to say, leave the following to the Methodists." "Am I right, ladies?" "You know, Chelsea, if you're worried about Tommy, why don't you just tell him you want to be exclusive?" "No, that would be so embarrassing." "I would rather..." "Eat my hat." "It's catching on!" "You know what, Chelsea, you can't always be the cool one." "Sometimes you have to be the dork." " She's right." " I know you can put out, but can you put your heart out... there?" "Wow, you really aren't afraid of being a dork." "Didn't you just fall in love with me a little bit?" "You had me at "put out"." "Ok, so what can I get you?" "Do you want a bloody Mary or a grilled cheese?" "I'll take both." "Ok, but I've got to warn you..." "If you dip the grilled cheese in the bloody Mary, you won't be able to eat anything else for at least a year and a half." "I'm going to miss you." "Oh, me, too." "So..." "What are you going to do while you're on the road?" "Play baseball." "No, I mean, like, after the games." "What are you asking me, Chelsea?" "Look, this might sound kind of gushy, but, ahem, could you just not bang other girls while you're on the road?" "I don't want you coming back with any diseases." "That's so romantic, Chelsea." "Shut up." "Look..." "Even if you..." "Even if you didn't say anything," "I don't want to see anybody else." " Really?" " Really." "God, you're such a girl." "Hi, Rick." "Top of the morning to you." "Oh." "Did you, uh, pork a leprechaun?" "No." "And I can't, 'cause I'm exclusive... with Tommy." "With just guys named Tommy or like that particular Tommy?" "Wait, did I just hear that Chelsea has an actual boyfriend?" "Yes, and I'm very happy, so there's nothing either of you could say to bring me down." "No, the old me would have pointed out how little money minor league baseball players make." "Which is actually very little." "Yeah." "I'm picturing..." "Betty white." "Hey, that does work." "Oh, Rick." "Yeah." "Can I please leave a little early today?" "I have to drive my grandmother to the hospital for a procedure." "And I hate hospitals." "You were going to marry a doctor." "Yeah, but guess what," "I wasn't going to live at the hospital." "Uh, listen, Nikks, yeah." "I mean, I'll come along for moral support if you want." "Really?" "Yeah, sure." "I am so fortunate that you are on my journey." "You're still trying to wiggle it in there, aren't you?" "What, come on, can't a guy just like hang out at a hospital waiting for an 80-year-old without it being all... sexual." "Wiggling, my friend." "Wiggling." "Hey, Chelsea." "Hey!" "I thought you left." "Yeah, I'm not going on the road." "Why, what happened?" "I got traded." "I got called up to the majors!" "Oh, my God, that is awesome!" "Yeah!" "I'm playing for the Yankees." "I can't believe I finally meet this amazing guy, and he's playing for the wrong team." "I know what that means." "I work in a flower shop." "So what are you going to do?" "Are you going to break up with him?" "Why would she break up with him?" "She hates the Yankees as much as her dad does." "The only things my dad hated were pontius pilot and when children spoke after 7:00 P.M." "Chelsea, you have to decide if this is a deal breaker." "My normal deal breakers are like..." "If a guy has bigger nipples than mine." " Oh, I hate that." " Right?" "Or if he only has hair on his nipples but nowhere else." "Or if his nipples are too far apart." "And those are just the ones about nipples." "I have other ones, too." "Can you stop saying "nipples"?" "I'm getting itchy." "My biggest deal breaker is if a guy assumes" "I'm going to do his dry cleaning just because I'm Asian." "Chelsea, it doesn't seem like baseball should be that big a deal." " It's just baseball." " Just baseball?" "That's like saying, just America, or just naked black guys in a really good mood." "Ok, let me put this in terms that you'll understand." "It's like if someone said, it's just "twilight"." "No one would say that." "And then, all of a sudden they switch from team Edward to team Jacob." "Well, that's just stupid." "I mean, a wolf?" "That would be it for you, right?" "You'd dump the guy." "Well, it'd be a hard decision, but in the long run, I'd try to get past that difference." "I mean, how many people do you find in life that you really care about?" "You know what, you're right." "Yeah, Tommy is the same guy he was yesterday." "It's just a different Jersey." "So how are you going to break it to your dad?" "I don't know, it might kill him." "But on the bright side, it might kill him." "What is your secret with my grandma, Rick?" "She will not stop talking about you." "I don't know, you know, old people love me." "I can't even walk by a Loehmann's without feeling like a piece of meat." "Well, the young people love you, too." "Ooh, uh, any chance you can tag along for her follow-up visit?" "I'm trying to develop my spirituality, but sometimes I just want to wring that old bitch's neck." "Yeah, well, don't do that." "I'll go." "Oh, you're my hero!" "Oh, we can play that fun game in the waiting room where we try to guess who has insurance and who doesn't." "Hey, dad." "Hi." "Brought you a beer." "Thank you." "Come sit." "Dad, there's something I need to talk to you about, and it doesn't have to be a bad thing." "How far along are you?" "Do you need to borrow money?" "Dad!" "I'm sorry." "I mean, are you going to keep it?" "No!" "That's not what this is about." "How do you feel about Tommy?" "Oh, he's a good boy." "And he seems very fond of you, and I like that." "He was traded to the Yankees." "That son of a bitch!" "I always knew there was something wrong with him..." "A darkness in his eyes!" "Dad, I am going to go out with him and that's that." "So you just have to accept it." "Can he accept who you are, a proud member of Red Sox nation?" "I haven't told him yet." "But I didn't want to be a buzz kill." "He just got his job." "If he's not accepting of it, then I will... eat my hat." "Why is everybody saying that all of a sudden?" "!" "Hey." "Hey." "I had the best day ever." "They gave me my Yankee locker, my Yankee parking space, and they took like 200 pictures of me doing this." "Tommy..." "There's something that you need to know about me." "I don't want to talk yet." "I want to make love now." "Your nipples are perfect." "And I don't say that lightly." "Is that what you wanted to talk to me about?" " No." " It's not important." "We can talk about it later." "Got you a present." "Oh." "Oh, no, no, it is I who should be paying you." "No, they're tickets to my first game tomorrow night." "Wow." "The Yankees vs. The Red Sox." "At Yankee stadium." "They're great seats, too." "Thanks." "And here's something that you can wear for the game, in case you get on TV." "Oh, a Yankees jacket." "That is nice." "Oh, look, it's flame retardant." "Hey, Tess, you were great in there." "Oh, it was very nice of you to let me squeeze your hand while they yanked the stitches out!" "Not everything's about you, grandma." "I'm the one that fainted!" "Well, we're very lucky to have had Rick here to take care of the two of us." "Thank you, Rick." "Aw, come on." "I got to spend the day with two beautiful women." "What's better than that?" "It's not really a compliment when you lump me in with my grandma." "Spiritual journey, huh." "If you're spiritual, I'll eat my hat." "Nikki?" "I thought that was you." "Elliot!" "What are you doing here?" "I was called in for a consult." "Hey, Tess, how are you?" "Not so good, doctor." "No, grandma, it's Elliot." " He was my fiancée." " I know!" "Wow, Nikki, you..." "You look great." "Well." "Oh, I'm sorry." "I'm Dr. Elliot Goldman." "Oh, I'm bartender Rick Miller." "Nice to meet you." "You, too." "Oh, Rick's just a friend of mine from work." "Oh." "Well, it's nice to see you taking care of your grandma." "I'm on a spiritual journey now." "I mean, I still wear make-up and shave my legs." "Can I talk to you for a minute?" "Sure." "Excuse us." "Oh, no." "Yeah, sure." "Yeah, sure." "Oh." "Ahem." "Wow." "She really lights up when she's with that guy." "She never looked at me like that." "Oh, Rick." "Of all Nikki's boyfriends, you were my favorite." "And you were my favorite of Nikki's grandmothers." "Of course I am." "The Italian one is a pig in lipstick." "Let's go, Yankees!" "Let's go, Yankees!" "Whoo!" "Yes!" "Let's go, Yankees!" "All right, ok." "There's still six innings left." "Oh, sorry, I got caught up." "It's just so exciting." "Oh, Chelsea, you're sitting on my foam finger." "Yeah, that's the only pleasure I'm getting out of this game." "Oh!" "What, are you blind?" "He was out!" "All right, he's an umpire, just let him do his job." "Who are you rooting for?" "Uh, the rules." "Oh." "Ahh." "That's right, Pedroia, touch 'em all!" "What are you, a Sox fan?" "Come on!" "Do you see what I'm wearing?" "I had intercourse with that right fielder like 18 hours ago." "All right, that's good." "That is good." "Because I would hate to be sitting next to a red sucks fan, you know?" "Oh, red sucks?" "Yeah." "That's very intelligent." "You don't sound like a Yankee fan." "Yeah, well, I applied, but I wasn't dumb enough." "Hey, everybody." "Sox fan right here." "You know what, I am a Red Sox fan, and we are kicking your asses." "I'd like to make a point about sportsmanship." "Boo!" "My dad was right, you people are animals!" "Animals?" "What, he started it!" "She's a Sox fan!" "You're going down, Yankee man!" "Oh, this is nothing like "twilight"!" "Why didn't you tell me that you hated the Yankees?" "I was going to." "But every time I tried, you looked so damn happy, I just..." "I couldn't." "Well, it's my life." "Everything I've worked for." "I need someone that's going to be behind me." "I know, and you deserve that." "Chelsea, let me ask you a question." "When I step up to that plate, will you be rooting for me to hit a home run?" "Only if the Sox are ahead by so much, it won't matter." "It's not a joke." "Will you support me or not?" "Truthfully, I don't know." "I'm a die hard Sox fan." "Sox fan?" "!" "Hey, you little Yankee twerp!" "If you can't take it, don't hurl milkshakes." "Yeah, you better run!" "Tommy, I tried." "I really did." "I never would have stepped foot in Yankee stadium for any other guy." "I guess it's not going to work, huh?" "I'm sorry." "I should probably just leave." "Yeah, you probably should." "Plus, security's coming." "Oh, crap." "Hey, wait." "Call me if you ever get traded." "Aw, Chelsea, my darling, today you took one for the team in a completely different way than you ever have before." "I'm proud of you, honey." "Hey, park it here, slugger." "Oh, God, I'm such an idiot." "It is definitely over between me and Tommy." " Why?" " I'm like Bill Buckner, you know." "I don't want any more mistakes going between my legs." "Well, hey, if it makes you feel any better, the Nikki thing is not going to happen for me." "Oh, no, you wound up with a nice person?" "Right." "Hey, you're a nice person." "Rebound sex?" "You know, someday I'm going to say yes and you are going to freak out." "Someday I'm going to stop asking and you're going to freak out." "Someday I'm just going to have sex with you without you even asking." "Yeah, someday I'm going..." "What... no, that's good." "Let's stop there."