"ANNOUNCER:" "With the stars... and..." "This stuff is terrible." "It's the paper, boss." "We don't stand a chance." "The government takes all the good stuff." "Ah..." "But boss, if this stuff is no good, what am I gonna do?" "Syndicate expects me to go to the coast tomorrow and start pushing it out there." "Don't worry, you can still go to the coast tomorrow." "Ziggy's on his way over here with 50 grand I had stashed in the apartment." "It's made on the old paper." "You won't have no trouble pushing it." "(knocking at door)" "That must be Ziggy." "Get the door." "Who is it?" ""'8 me!" "Well, where's the stuff?" "Now, look, boss, don't get sore." "I left it on a Madison Avenue bus." "What?" "!" "I couldn't help it, boss." "I was coming here on the bus." "Well, I got it in the suitcase, but on 49th Street, a cop gets on the bus." "Well, it don't bother me none, until I notice that he's looking at me like maybe he knows me." "So, I get scared and I jump off the bus at the next stop." "Why didn't you take the suitcase with you?" "!" "I couldn't take a chance." "If he was gonna make the pinch," "I didn't want him to find the stuff on me." "Anyway, boss, what are you getting sore about?" "It ain't like it's real money." "It's as good as real money!" "It's made on the old stuff we can't get no more." "We gotta get that suitcase back." "What bus line was you on?" "It was the Madison Avenue bus." "I think it's the Gotham." "Eh!" "Hello." "I'd like to get some information." "Uh, supposing somebody leaves something on a bus, uh, say a suitcase." "What does he gotta do to get it back?" "Uh-huh." "He's gotta come down and identify it." "And what?" "Describe the contents?" "And then what?" "You open it, and if the description matches, why..." "Look, uh, but suppose nobody claims it, then what happens to it?" "Yeah?" "Oh." "Uh-huh." "Okay, thanks a lot, sister." "(chuckling)" "Well, boys, we're getting that suitcase back." "But boss, how?" "We can't let them open it up." "I know that." "But if nobody claims it within 30 days, it goes to whoever found it and turned it in." "It's usually the bus driver." "All we gotta do is find out who turned it in, wait 30 days, and then we get it from him." "Boss, what if he don't wanna give it to us?" "SUPPOSE you shut up!" "He'll give it to us... or else!" "(humming)" "(knocking at door)" "Come in." "Oh, Mother, what a wonderful surprise!" "Hello, Alice." "I was shopping in the neighborhood, and I thought I'd drop in." "Oh, Alice, am I exhausted!" "Oh, Mother, don't sit in that chair." "It was broken, and I just fixed it." "Something else is broke." "Every time I come over here, something else is busted." "If only that husband of yours would buy you something new for once." "Mother, it isn't Ralph's fault." ""It isn't Ralph's fault."" "Look, Alice, just because you're married to a horse doesn't mean you have to live in a stable." "What is she doing here?" "Please, Ralph, she's my mother." "What's that, your lunchbox?" "Oh!" "You're starting right in, huh?" "Starting right in with the insults." "No warming up in the bullpen or nothing, huh?" "Starting right in." "I remember when you used to come over, you used to start slow with a couple of "Hello, stupids"" "and stuff like that." "Now I don't even get that anymore, huh?" "Well, let me tell you something, and get this into your head." "This is my home, and when you come in here, treat me with respect, and address me with a civil tongue!" "Oh, why don't you shut up?" "Ralph, what's the matter with the two of you?" "Can't you ever get together without fighting?" "I didn't start this." "Mammy Yokum did." "Ralph, I don't care who started it, but it is stopping right now." "Anyway, what's that bag?" "Oh, I told you about this." "Remember last month they found a bag on the bus?" "Well, nobody claimed it, so now it's mine." "Well, what's in it?" "I don't know what's in it." "Can't be anything of value, or they would've claimed it." "Can't be of any value, or you wouldn't have found it." "Ha-ha, you dirty old..." "Look, Alice, I got something important to talk to you about, and I'd like to do it in private." "Anything you can say to my daughter, you can say in front of me." "What is it, Ralph?" "Well, look, Alice, I'm short a couple of bucks, and I gotta pay my dues at the lodge tonight." "They're gonna throw me out if I don't." "Don't you give him a cent, Alice!" "One of these days, you're gonna push me too far." "The only thing that could push you is a bulldozer!" "All right, get out!" "Get out!" " Ralph..." "Out!" "All right, Alice, it's all right." "I have to be going anyway." "You were going anyway." "Whether you were going anyway or any other way," "I'm throwing you out anyway!" "There isn't room in this place for you and me." "There isn't room in this place for you and anybody!" "Out!" "And to think that you gave up a good job in the laundry for this!" "Oh!" "All right, now that that's over, now that the big wind is gone, let me have the money." "It comes to about $15." "I'm not giving you a dime, Ralph." "What do you mean you're not giving me a dime?" "Who died and left you boss?" "You needn't act so surprised, Ralph." "You know perfectly well why you're not getting the money." "Your lodge dues is supposed to come out of your allowance." "But I spent my allowance." "Look, Alice, don't start anything." "I gotta have the money!" "You know that all the members down there are my pals, my buddies, my friends." "They'll throw me out if I don't pay my dues." "Alice, don't start!" "I gotta have the money!" "Please, Alice, do you know how embarrassing it would be to be thrown out of the Raccoon Lodge?" "Certainly." "It's pretty embarrassing just to be in it." "Look, I know there's money around here someplace, and I demand it." "I'm not giving you a cent, Ralph." "I am saving that money to buy furniture." "Furniture?" "What do you wanna buy furniture for?" "We got furniture!" "You call this junk furniture?" "Junk?" "Junk?" "Junk?" "Just watch yourself, Alice." "This furniture was a wedding present from my grandfather." "Yeah." "To your grandmother." "Now I'm going up to Trixie's." "Alice, you can't go up." "I gotta have the money!" "(g rumbles)" "Hey, there, Ralphie boy." "Oh, hiya, Norton." "What's in the bag?" "Taking a little trip?" "Nah, I found it on the bus a month ago." "Nobody claimed it, so it's mine." "What's in it?" "I don't know." "It can't be anything of value," "or they would've claimed it." "Oh." "Look, forget about the bag." "You gotta do me a favour." "I owe my dues, and I gotta pay 'em tonight, or they'll throw me out." "Now, I need about $15." "$15?" "I ain't got $15." "I got an idea, though, how you can get the $15." "Why don't you sell the bag for 15 bucks?" "What, are you crazy, or something?" "Only a maniac would buy that for 15 bucks." "You wanna buy it?" "I don't want it, I don't want it." "Hey, maybe there's something inside the bag worth $15." "If there was anything of value in there, somebody would've come down and claimed it." "Oh." "Well, it couldn't hurt to take a look, could it?" "Geez." "All right." "(gibbering)" "I can't understand a word you're saying, Ralph." "(gibbering)" "What are you getting excited for?" "(gibbering)" "(both gibbering)" "Money!" "I'm a millionaire!" "There's a fortune in here!" "Enough to keep you in pizza for the rest of your life!" "Alice." "Alice, you and me, we're millionaires!" "Look-- money!" "What are you talking about?" " Look, money." "Ralph, it's money!" "Is this what you found on the bus?" "Yeah." "Who could've left it there?" "It must've been some millionaire, or something." "Boy, I hope so." "I'd hate to think it was some poor person who could really need it." "Ralph, I can't believe this." "Why would anybody leave this amount of money on the bus and then not claim it?" "How do I know?" "Maybe he just forgot it, or something, and then he died later." "Oh, Ralph." "Well, all I know is," "I'd die if I left this on a bus." "Ralph, just stop being ridiculous." "This sounds pretty phony to me." "Phony?" "You kill me, Alice." "You absolutely murder me!" "All your life, you're beefing and screaming," ""When is my ship gonna come in?" "When is my ship gonna come in?"" "Well, here it is, the Queen Mary!" "Come in." "Oh, uh, hiya, Grogan." "Anything wrong?" "Oh, there's nothing wrong, Kramden." "I'm just collecting for the annual children's party at the Youth Center." "I, uh..." "I suppose I can put you down for the usual buck, huh?" "Hardy-har-har." "Here you are, Grogan." "Hey, Kramden, this bill-- it's a hundred!" "That's right." "And there's more where that came from." "Kids need any more, just let me know." "I'd be glad to help out." "Gee, thanks, Kramden, thanks a lot." "Here, here's your receipt." "Keep it yourself." "Thanks again." "All right, Grog." "Well, there you are, Alice." "That's how phony I think it is." "Oh, operator." "Just checking a new phone." "Thank you." "How do you do?" "I'm Mr. Kramden's chauffeur." "Oh, Ralph?" "It's me, Norton." "I got the stuff." "Be out in a minute, Norton." "Did you get everything?" "Well, uh, almost everything, except the cashmere bowling bag." "That's a little special;" "you gotta wait for that." "Oh, I see." "Well, have you got all the extensions in?" "That's right." "Got the one here," "I put one in the bedroom, one in the bathroom, and one out on the fire escape." "The fire escape?" "What's that for?" "You don't understand, Norton." "Now that I'm a rich man," "I can afford any convenience I wish." "The phone is out on the fire escape, for when I sleep out there in the summertime." "Oh." "Well, I guess I'll be going." "Uh, before you go, would you mind if I check the phone?" "I want everything to be just right." " Go right ahead." "Thank you." "Uh, who do you think I should call, Norton?" "Uh, why don't you try the fire escape?" "Maybe somebody's out there." "(chuckles)" "He's a regular riot." "I know, I'll call Marshall, my boss." "Hello?" "Mr. Marshall?" "Uh, this is Ralph Kramden." "Yes, yes." "Oh, uh..." "I called to tell you that I quit." "That's right." "Oh, and furthermore, you... are a bum!" "Well, is the phone all right, Mr. Kramden?" "Well, except for a little slight clicking in the line, it seems to be all right." "Can't be anything wrong with the phone." "I just checked it." "It must be in the trunk line." "Well, uh... now you just see that it's fixed." "I want everything just right." "$100!" "Don't worry, Mr. Kramden, the phone will be perfect." "And there's plenty more where that came from." "Bye." "Good-bye." "Good-bye." "(coughing)" "(hacking cough continues)" "It pays to buy the best." "Well, I guess I know how to live like a rich man, eh?" "Oh, boy, I tell you..." "You know, when you got money, the world is at your feet." "Money talks." "You'd be surprised-- since the news got out that I got money, all the salesmen that are after me." "And not only salesmen, but executives." "What do you mean?" "Well, when I was down at the store today, getting all this stuff to surprise Alice, when I came back, the superintendent told me that there were a couple of important-looking men here, looking for me." "How do you know they were important?" "Well, he said that when they were talking to each other, he overheard the conversation, and one of the guys-- I think his name was Ziggy-- whenever he spoke to the other guy, he kept calling him "boss."" "So, he's probably the boss of some sort of investment firm." "They want me on the board of directors, or something like that." "Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute." "One of the guy's name was Ziggy?" "I think I know that company." "Merrill, Lynch, Pierce, Fenner and Ziggy." "That could be it." "(knocking at door)" " Oh!" "I'll get it, sir." "All righty." "Darling boy!" "So, you found out I got the money, huh?" "You didn't lose any time getting over here, did you?" "Money?" "Why, what money?" "You know what money!" "The money I found on the bus!" " Oh!" "Oh, that!" "Yeah." "Oh, yes, yes, I guess I do remember somebody telling me about that." " Yeah." "Yes." "Well, now, look, darling, the only reason that I came over here is because I want to be with my favourite son-in-law." "Oh, sonny boy, you certainly did fix this place up so beautiful for my little Alice." "Oh, do you like it?" "It sure was expensive." "You didn't spend all the money, did you?" "Nah, I'm loaded." "Oh!" "Uh, not that it would make any difference." "Oh, of course not." "Oh, by the way, sonny boy, Father's back has been giving him a lot of trouble lately, and I was thinking that a trip to Florida would do him a world of good, and the fare's only $100." "Aha!" "So, that's what you come over for-- 100 bucks, eh?" "You got some case." "Oh, now, that has nothing to do with it, and besides, what's $100 to a rich man like you?" "Why, of course." "Why, just a little while ago, he gave the repairman $100 just to take the clicking out of the phone." "Well, I guess maybe you're right." "I'm a millionaire." "What's $100?" "Just a mere bag of shells." "All right, here you are." "Send the old man down to Florida." "Uh, you know, sonny boy, I hate to send Father alone." "I really ought to go with him." " Oh, no, you don't-- no!" "It's only another $100." "You've got $100;" "be glad you got that, or I'll take that back." "Well, all right, sonny boy, while Father's away," "I'll stay here with you and Alice." "Wait a minute, here's the other $100." "Oh, hi, Mother." " Oh." "Ralph, I..." "Ralph, what have you done to this place?" "Well..." "I thought I'd surprise you, Alice." "So, while you were out this afternoon," "I went down to a store, ordered all this, and told them to send it right up just as a surprise for you." "Well, what do you think of it?" "You want to know what I think, Ralph?" "I think you've gone crazy." "You've been spending this money like a lunatic." "I told you to hang on to the money, Ralph, until you found out what this was all about." "Now, wasn't that right, Mother?" "You shut up!" "Sonny boy knows what he's doing." "She's not such a bad old crow at that," "I'll say that for her." "(laughs)" "I'm very sorry, but when I want to buy something," "I want it the way I want it." "Now, either you have a motorboat with three propellers, or I'll go someplace else." "Ralph, Ralph." "Will you leave me alone?" "I'm on the phone." "Ralph, will you hang up that phone?" "Look, I'll call you back." "Now, what is it?" "Ralph, you know, yesterday you gave Tommy Doyle $100 to take your suit to the cleaners?" " So what?" "So what?" "!" "So, Tommy's in jail." "That $100 was counterfeit." "You mean to tell me that you interrupted me when I'm ordering a motorboat with three pro..." "He's in jail?" "!" "It's counterfeit?" "!" "That's right, Ralph." "This explains everything." "That's why nobody claimed the money." "It was all counterfeit." "It's all no good." "Alice, I've been spending that money all over town." "What am I gonna do?" "Ralph, I told you this whole thing was a phony." "Oh, don't give me that "I told you so" routine." "What am I gonna do?" "!" "There's only one thing..." "If they put him in jail for spending one bill, they'll hang me!" "You just gotta go to the police, Ralph, that's all, and tell them the truth." "Are you outta your mind?" "If I go down there, they'll put me in jail for the rest of my life." "You gotta help me, Alice." "Help me pack;" "I gotta leave town." "I'll do nothing of the kind." "I'm going down to see Tommy Doyle's mother and try and explain all of this to her." "Alice, you can't leave me alone at a time like this!" "Hey, Ralph!" "It's me, Norton." "Want me to put the car in the garage?" "Just fill it with gas and point it toward Mexico!" "Okay!" "What?" "!" "Hey, congratulations, Ralph." "You found another bag." "Is this one stuffed with money, too?" "Look, I got no time to explain." "That other bag was full of counterfeit money." "The police are after me right now." "Counterfeit?" "Police?" "Sheen." "All right, I gotta get out of town before they catch up with me." "(banging on door)" "( Dragnet theme )1 ♪ Dum-de-dum-dum. ♪" "That's them!" "That's the police!" "(banging on door)" "There's nobody in here!" "Shut up!" "MAN:" "Open up!" "What am I gonna do, Norton?" "What am I gonna do?" "Listen, do the only thing you can do." "Destroy the evidence." "Then they can't pin anything on you." "Put it in the oven, burn it up!" "(banging on door)" "(Norton groans)" "I'll be right out." "My wife's taking a bath in the sink." "(banging on door)" "I'm coming, I'm coming!" "Now, look... no matter what I say, you swear yes to it." "Don't worry about it;" "I'm your pal, and I'll stick with you right to the end." "(banging on door)" "Yes, sir?" "I never saw this man before in my life." "Shut up." "Which one of you guys is Kramden?" " He is." "He is." "You heard me!" "Which one is Kramden?" "(gibberish)" "I admit it, I admit it-- I'm Kramden." "But look, I didn't know it was counterfeit money." "I found it on a bus." "I wouldn't lie to a couple of detectives." "Honest, pal, I just found it on a bus." "Detectives?" "Hey, boss, he thinks we're..." "Uh..." "look, Kramden, I'll tell you what." "We're gonna give you a break." "You give us the money, and we won't turn you in." "Us cops don't like to put innocent people in trouble, do we, Ziggy?" "You mean if I give you back that money, you'll let me go?" " That's right." "Right away, pal." " Wait a minute, Ralph." "What?" "Don't give them the money." " They're not the police." "What are you talking about?" "Didn't you hear one of them call the other one Ziggy?" "They're from the investment company" "Merrill, Lynch, Pierce, Fenner and Ziggy!" "Will you leave me alone?" "Aah!" "All right, where is it?" "(gibberish)" "You heard me-- where is it?" "!" "(gibberish)" "Okay, fatso." "I'm giving you ten seconds to give us the money, or I'm letting you have it." "(gibberish)" "Five seconds!" "(Ralph and Norton gibbering)" "All right, drop those guns!" "Officer, Officer!" "Arrest that big fat one there!" "He's the one who gave me the counterfeit bill." "Mama, I'm sonny boy!" "Don't you call me Mama, you crook!" "And these others are probably members of his gang!" "All right, all right!" "I don't know who anybody is." "I'm taking you all downtown." "We'll straighten this out at headquarters." "So, come on, let's go." "Fine way to treat your favourite son-in-law!" "Ooh, would I like to belt you one!" "(groaning)" "I don't know, Ralph." "All I know is that if you had listened to me, none of this would have happened." "But no, Ralph, you never listen to anyone but yourself." "Are you finished?" "Are you finished with all the lectures, Carrie Nation?" "Are you finished with the "if you only had have done what I told you so's"?" "Are you finished with those?" "!" "Well, if you're finished with them, let's get something clear." "Right now." "So what?" "So what if I got in a little trouble?" "I was a millionaire for a couple of days." "That's more than anybody else in this dump can say." "For two days I had it, and I went with it, too." "It came easy, and it went just as fast." "And that's the way I'd be if I had it." "Easy come, easy go." "If anybody found out I had it, they could have it." "It's my nature to spend." "Except I never have anything to spend." "Anyway, so what?" "I didn't get in any trouble, there was no harm done." "I explained to the cops how I got the money, and they let me go." "So, what did I do?" "What'd I do?" "You think that's all there is to it, Ralph?" "Yeah." "That's all I can see." "What about quitting your job, Ralph?" "Or was that nothing?" "Forgot about that." "Yeah." "I suppose you forgot that all this stuff has to go back, too." "Every bit of it." "All that is, except your suits, Ralph." "The tailor can't take those back." "He doesn't know any elephants that need a new wardrobe." "But according to you, Ralph, nothing happened." "(phone ringing)" "Hello?" "Huh?" "Oh, yeah, the phone's working perfectly." "No, there's no clicking, or nothing." "It's just working fine." "Yes, ma'am." "Thank you very much." "Oh, uh... uh... would you send somebody around to take it out?" "Thank you."