"Well, thank you That's terrific." "Okay" "Hey, the Griddle Cafe just donated a brunch to my charity auction" "That oughta go like-- Well, like hotcakes" "This auction looks great" "Oh, a gay cruise to Key West!" "I want that" "Who am I kidding?" "A boat full of hot gay guys and an open bar..." "I might as well put on a bathing suit and start crying now" "What's going on, Will?" "Que pasta?" "Oh, my charity's putting on an autumn carnival and I'm in charge of the live auction" "All right" "I see what you're trying to do" "You want me to donate a dinner with Jack McFarland, host of Jack Talk" "Nice try" "But, yes" "Why not." "I've got a $200 dinner at the Gotham Bar and Grill" "I'll just make it the Gotham Bar and Girl" "You're welcome" "So, Honey, Malcolm and I are really excited to go to your autumn carnival" "Oh, and, uh, by the way if you talk to Stan" "I'm at the Star Trek convention in Anaheim until Monday morning" "Wait, you're still seeing Malcolm?" "I thought you were gonna break up with him now that you're back with Stan?" "Honey, I know, but I can't He's such a sweet man and..." "Well, you know me" "If there's one thing I can not do it is hurt another person's feelings" "That is so true, Karen You do have a kind heart" "I'm sorry, honey" "I don't what it is, but your faggy little voice is just going right through me today" "Hi, Grace Nice wrap dress" "That Diane von Furstenberg really knows a woman's body" "Vivian Westwood she'd look good on you, too" "I'm sorry, when did we become girlfriends?" "Grace, can I ask your advice?" "I'd like to come up with something really special that I could do for Karen" "To show her how much she means to me" "And I was thinking of having her name tattooed on my chest, right here nip to nip" "Yeaah...." "I wouldn't do that" "Why not?" "Because they're uneven?" "Because I'm cool with it being diagonal" "Yeaah...." "I still wouldn't do it" "Why not?" "I shouldn't say It's between you and Karen" " Grace, what are you talking about?" " Nothing." "I really don't know" "Grace." "You know something and you're going to tell me" "I am skilled in many forms of interrogation including physical torture, sleep deprivation" " and Jewish guilt" " Okay" "Karen's back with Stan" "They worked things out and now she's seeing the both of you" "Wow" "Well, why wouldn't she tell me herself?" "I thought she cared about me" "Just yesterday, we did it, like, 50 times" "She does care about you" "Really, 50?" "God, she types up one memo and she needs a nap" "Thank you, Grace But I think I need to be alone" "Please go" "This is kind of my office" "I said go" "Hi." "Autumn carnival benefitting Project Angel Food" "Or in your case Project Angel Tush" "Will, America doesn't like to think of you as sexual" "On your left, ladies On your left" "Rosie?" "What are you doing here?" "Well, since Miss Karen fired me I've been barbacking in this dump" "Well, Rosie, that looks heavy let me help you" "So, Rosie, how's the crowd?" "Am I, like, the biggest star in the room?" "Probably." "It's either you, or that twink who fell down a hole in the '80s" "Baby Glenn?" "Wow" "He spent three days in that hole I remember watching his rescue on TV" "Oh, yeah" "For weeks after that" "I would dress Malibu Ken up as a fireman get in the hamper and have my mother lower him down on a piece of string" "Sometimes I do blame the parents" "So Baby Glenn is gay" "Yeah, they did a story on "Homo Extra" I think they called it" "Baby Glenn Out of One Hole and Into Another" "Which I just got" "Hey, you should get him for your auction" "You need another celebrity" "I can't carry the whole gay community on my back" "Though I admire you for trying" "I just" " I don't know how star-studded I want this thing to be, I mean, you know do I want one person no one's heard of, or two?" "Maybe I should date him" "When a celebrity dates a celebrity their fame multiplies" "I must talk to this Baby Glenn" "Well you're in luck 'cause here he comes" "Back away." "It's a very delicate dance this pas-de-deux of the elite" "I must finesse what I'm going to say" "I host a gay talk show I fell in a hole" " Wanna date?" " Sure / Ok" "'Sup." "Baby Glenn" "Oh, you still go by "Baby" Glenn?" "yeah" "You sorta have to stick with the name you've got once you become internationally famous. so..." "Are you that famous?" "I think people mostly knew you that week you tripped" "Uh, lover, my friend here would like to auction you off at his event" "Sure." "I'll do it" "Baby Jessica's doing The View and I've gotta keep up with that bitch" "Hey, Karen" "Don't you "Hey, Karen" me" "You just had to stick your nose job where it didn't belong, didn't you?" "I'm sorry, Karen but Malcolm has the right to know that you're back with Stan" "Oh yeah?" "Well, we had a big fight I had to break up with him" "He was devastated" "But, I think we left it in a good place" "Jump out of all the moving taxis you want to, Karen" "The argument isn't over till I say it's over" "Why did you break up with me?" "And just before the autumn carnival" "Don't you see?" "This is exactly the kind of confrontation" "I was trying to avoid when I threw myself onto 8th Avenue" "Malcolm, can't you just go by yourself?" "I can't go to the carnival without a woman" "The gays would be all over a bear like me" "Besides, it's pathetic going alone" "I'm going alone" "Aren't you aggressive?" "I'd love to go with you Pick me up at 8:00" "And if I'm still getting ready have a drink with my house mates" "Okay, that's crazy" "What?" "A government agent can't live with two waitresses and a law student?" "Karen, I don't want to go with Malcolm" "Oh, come on, honey, please You owe it to him" "And besides it would mean so much Malcolm lives for a good carnival" "The whole gang knows that" "What gang?" "You, me, Will, Jack, Kenickie Frenchy, Putzie." "The gang" "Hey, Wilma Nice Autumn Carnival" "This is a wonderful thing you're doing for charity" "Yeah, whatever." "I'm just hoping to get a boyfriend out of all this" "Hello, Miss Karen" "Well, if it isn't the bearded lady herself" "Don't I need a ticket to gape at you in awe and repulsion" "I wouldn't talk, lady" "I'm the person who used to pluck your chin hairs" "If it weren't for me you'd look like ZZ Top" "I wouldn't stand so close to the carnival games if I were you" "Someone might take you home thinking they won a giant Shrek doll" "So, this is my first big event as a public figure and I'm not quite sure how to act" "Like, how do I treat people... how do I pose for pictures... how do I feel about the war in Azkaban" "Just remember We're better than everyone else, okay?" "For flip's sake, I'm Baby frickin' Glenn And you're Jack frickin' Garland" "It's McFarland" "Yeah, you're Jack Farland" "It's McFarland." "Geez what do you still have dirt in your ears?" "Uh, guys.." "Excuse me, uh.." "What in the hell do you think you're doing here?" "This is a storage room for beverages" "Uh, maybe in your fantasy but this is our dressing room" "And quite frankly we're not happy about it" "I know." "I got your list of demands" "A chocolate fountain" "A pony" "And to live forever" "Now, this place needs to be room of refuge" "You know, for when we're on break" "What break?" " From performing" " You're not performing" "I know, we're on break" "Guys, all you have to do is stand on stage while unsuspecting people bid on you, Okay?" "Now, I got to start this auction" "Where's the microphone?" "I left it right here" "Yeah, I took it" "I thought it was part of my gift bag" "There are no gift bags, okay?" "!" "You each get one can of Fanta That's it" "This is ridiculous" "We can not have this kind of stress before we go on" " Yeah..." " You are not "going on"!" "Neither one of you is a celebrity." "Okay?" ""Baby" Glenn." "I mean, you weren't even a baby when you fell in that hole" "You were twelve years old!" "They just called you a baby because you cried for three straight days!" "Well..." "Somebody's jealous they didn't get stuck in a hole" "That's what I got from that" "How dare you... talk to my boyfriend like that" "You're lucky we even showed up to your piece of crap event" "Do you know that man opened over 20 grocery stores?" "You respect him" "Well, you're right." "You know when you hear "Baby Glenn,"" "you do think "Hey, I've heard of him."" "But, Jack... you host a local gay talk show whose timeslot is between nine hours of "The Golden Girls"" "and six queens standing in front of a rainbow flag singing" ""Oh, gays can you see."" "You are a jealous, bitter queen" "You can't stand that I am somebody and you are nobody" "I shouldn't even be having this conversation" "It is beneath my dignity" "Now, if you'll excuse me" "I'm gonna take my free fan of canta and go clean the llama poop off my shoe" "Cotton candy!" "Once at a fair in junior high this kid dared me to eat, like ten sticks of this stuff" "I got pretty far, and then bleh.." "All over my face and my clothes and.." "Oh, then I had my first kiss..." "You are a real charmer Grace Adler" "Thank you for coming on this date with me" "Sure." "It was my pleasure" "Hold my pocket" "What?" "I like when my girls do that" "No." "I'm not gonna hold your pocket" "You're my girl You'll hold my pocket" "And now for one of our featured items" "A dinner with everyone's favorite clumsy lovable pre-teen from the 80s" "You loved him in the hole you'll love him at Bagel Nosh" "Baby Glenn" "Thank you "Help, help, I'm in a hole!"" "They know the underpants stay on, right?" "What should we start the bidding at?" "Thousand" "I don't think you're gonna go for a thousand" " A thousand!" " What?" "A thousand?" " 1100!" " 1100?" "Wow." "Okay" "Going once, going twice Sold!" "1100!" "Wow." "That's even more than we raised at the hands across my hole benefit" "Karen." "I need to talk to you Malcolm's a mess" "He's made me his girlfriend He wants me to hold his pocket" "You've got to fix this Go talk to him" "And hurt him again?" "Honey, I can't!" "Oh, Karen You are the same woman who blindfolded Rosie gave her a stick and told her a beehive was a piata" "Some good came from that We learned she was allergic" "All right, I'll do it" "Ladies and gentlemen, next you'll be bidding on dinner with the host of Out TV's critically... acknowledged show "Jack Talk"..." "Jack McFarland" "When you see how famous I am you will rue mcclanahan the day you doubted me" "You got a booger" "I'm gonna start the bidding at 100 dollars" "Anybody, 100 dollars" "They know the underpants come off, right?" "Folks, dinner with Jack McFarland?" "100 dollars?" "The meal itself is worth 200, so you're gonna come out okay on this one" "You'll be helping needy people" "Forget it, Will." "You were right Nobody knows who I am" "Wait, wait wait.." "I have an opening bid of $100!" "Oh!" "200!" "200, do I hear 250?" "500!" "Jack!" "Did you hear that gasp?" "No, I did not" "I have 500 dollars 6, 7, 8, 9!" "I have a thousand dollars!" "11 hundred-- 12, 13, 14 15 hundred dollars!" "Sold for 15 hundred dollars!" "Thank you, sir!" "Oh, my God, auctions are so exciting!" "The hands went up so fast I didn't see 'em!" "Did you talk to Malcolm?" "How did it go?" "Perfect." "We're getting back together" "He's taking me to Cancun for a week" "Maybe I'll take some jeans and trade 'em for a new maid" "Karen, I know you don't want to hurt him but you're hurting him by lying to him" " Here he comes!" " Break up with him" " I'm scared!" " I'll be right here, no matter what" " Thanks" " Oh, funnel cake" "$2.50?" "!" "Hey, baby." "Look what I won you Isn't it cute?" "You can put it next to the bed stuff a camera inside it and record us while we're doing it" "Malcolm, you're making it hard" "Whoa, let's wait until the camera's inside the bear" "It's.. it's just that.." "Excuse me I have to take this" "This is Ren" "That's my real name I'll explain it later" "Was it code red or code green?" "Well, How am I supposed to know what to wear?" "Well, what are you wearing" "Great, we're going to look like twins" "Okay, let's review the mission" "Sri Lanka, 1100 hours, Singapore Airlines I call the window seat" "I called it first." "Goodbye" "I'm sorry, but I have to go, to..." "New Hampshire" "For jury duty" "I'm gonna be gone for 6 to 18 months" "Wait a minute You're from New Hampshire?" "I'm sorry, Karen, I know it's not fair to ask you to wait" "So I'm going to have to break up with you" "Goodbye, baby" "Malcolm?" "Yes?" "Sailboats and sunsets?" "Sailboats and sunsets, baby" "So romantic What does that mean?" "It's too complicated to explain..." "He nailed me on a windjammer at 6:17 PM" "That was complicated" "Thanks for taking the time to explain it" "You know, Grace, I know I did the right thing, but I'm sad to see him go" "You know what always makes me feel better?" "What's that?" "Funnel cake" "Honey, can I have some?" "Yeah, the stand's right over there" "Hey, there's the 1500 dollar man Pretty great, right?" "I know no one was bidding on me, Will" "Just when I thought I was famous it got ripped away" "I feel like Terri Hatcher six years ago" "And Terri Hatcher six years from now" "You're wrong, Jack." "Somebody did bid on you, I have his check right here" "Who?" "Me" "You have Care Bears on your checks" "I thought they were polar bears when I ordered them" "I don't get it Why would you bid on me?" "Because years from know I want to be able to say" ""I knew him when..." And look what you've done, Jack" "You went from Just Jack!" "to Jack 2001!" "to Jack 2002!" "to Jack Talk!" "I mean, your hands have never been out of work" " Maybe I have done okay - "Okay"?" "You're on your way, You're passionate you're driven, you work hard" "I know it's going to happen for you" "Thank you, Will I love you" "I love you, too" "So, that's why you bought the dinner?" "You are unbelievable!" "Do not watch my ass as I leave"