"Ty?" "Oh I was a naughty boy this year!" "Holy shit!" "Ho Ho Ho!" "Hey, Ho!" "What the hell are you doing there?" "Waking your ass is up." "You got the audition I wanted but didn't get, so fuck if I'm gonna let you sleep through it." "Oh shit!" "End of a sublet, end of an era." "I know, right." "Are you guys here for callbacks?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "Oh cool, thanks." "Hi, how's it going?" "Umm." "Tyler Hall." "I should have a 10:30am audition?" "Ooh hunny, you are late!" "Come around here." "sorry." "Tyler Hall is here." "Tyler Hall is at 10:30." "I dunn" "I know he's late but he's fine." "Hi Tyler." "I'm Amy Lynn, the casting director." "Have you had a chance to look over the sides?" "Yeah, I'm off book." "Fabulous." "I'll be reading with you." "In a moment we'll have you slate for the camera with your name and phone number and we'll get started whenever you're ready." "Fred?" "We all set there?" "Um, yeah." "Yup, we are all set." "Great!" "Ok." "Tyler Hall, 212-555-9532." "Hey, Ty!" "How'd it go?" "What the hell are you two doing?" "He's trying to button my new jeans from Barney's sample sale." "Why don't you just buy clothes that fit?" "You're not going to get anyone's attention with clothes that fit." "We're getting ready for Tea at G. Hey, I rhymed!" "Hey!" "Walt Witless." "Come with us, it's going to be hotness over there, all picante and shit." "Hallelujah, Mary, success." "Don't you dare unbutton these." "Don't worry, they're not coming off until they need to ..." "like an hour." "Ty!" "Come out with us for a twirl!" "Thank you but I'm going to pass." "I'm going to go get some sleep." "sleep when you're dead!" "Or, like, 25." "Good night queens." "Oh no she didn't.." "Oh yes she did." "OK, Ty, I'll be back later!" "I'm taking out the trash with me!" "Bitch!" "see you later Ty!" "Have fun." "(Bear Growl)" "(Men Moaning)" "Ty?" "shit." "Ty!" "Bring your ass out here!" "simon, you seem to have this inability to knock before entering." "Whatever, you have to see the two hotties Cory and I just brought back!" "They're actual Abercrombie models - Mormons from sandy, Utah, and they're going to show us their magical underwear!" "No, I have plans." "What plans could you possibly have that would be better than Big Love?" "Hey, there's a bear on your shirt." "son, there's a bear in my shirt." "Go on kid." "We don't bite." "Hey." "Member or non?" "Um, non." "That'll be eight dollars." "I'll get that." "No, it's ok." "I got it." "You can get the first drink." "The drinks are free." "I meant at breakfast." "Wow, NYC-style romance!" "Ok, um.." "Do I get a name, too?" "Greg." "Greg styles." "Tyler Hall." "Tyler." "You look like a Tyler." "Bet you taste like a Tyler, too." "Hey Tyler!" "I'm so glad you made it." "Uh, hey!" "Thanks for the warm welcome, Greg, as always." "We gotta go." "Trust me." "You don't want to know that one." "He's got a partner." "And a trick." "And a trick." "And a trick. sensing a pattern here?" "Yeah, sure." "He's Hairy Fucking Potter." "Weasel-y, actually." "You're funny." "Thanks." "Improv class did me wonders." "Clearly." "You were really good today." "Hey boys, what're you drinking?" "Two beers, please." "You uh.." "You think they liked me?" "shit, I'd cast you." "But I'm just a cameraman, not much of a director." "C'mon." "Let me introduce you to my entourage." "Hey guys." "This is Tyler." "Hi, I'm Michael  and this is my boyfriend, Carlos." "Hey, what's up man?" "And this is my huzbear, Brent." "Aww, huzbear?" "Oh, that's.. alright." "Uh, there's a term for everything in this scene." "Hey Michael, hey baby, looking good." "Hey!" "Don't squeeze the Charmin, papa!" "Ok?" "see?" "!" "see what I have to deal with all the time." "It's ok, it's ok." "Tyler, so how do you know Fred?" "We met at the auditions today - the kid's a future star." "Ahh.. shia LaCub." "Anyone?" "No?" "Hardly, I'm studying acting and hoping to turn that into an actual paying career." "Maybe landing a sex scene with Kevin James while I'm at it." "Well, this is the town where careers are made, my boy!" "And deals with horny producers." "Hey!" "Let's go guys." "I am getting mauled back here, come on." "Randy, thank God." "I was worried." "I thought you got lost." "One more for my friend, Tyler here." "Uhh, who ordered the Bear Claws?" "strawberry shortcake over here." "What's a Bear Claw?" "Oh dude, you'll love it." "Uh, to New York!" "Ah yes, cheers." "Oh god!" "Damn." "Uhh!" "That'll put some hair on your chest!" "I'll put some hair on your chest, boy." "Hey Randy, I think you overshot over here." "You wish... that one's for Roger." "Oh, where is Roger?" "Hey, what's BEARCITY?" "Do you know that book by Dante about the circle of hell and infernos?" "Oh I'm sorry, have you met jaded?" "What?" "I'll show you jaded." "Oh yeah?" "Please, do show me jaded." " Alright..." " Lay it on me." "Woof!" "Woof!" "It's this bear weekend at the end of the summer." "You know, bar-hopping, bed-hopping, sweaty shirtless hairy men dancing... it's awesome." "I've actually never been to a bear event before." "But, well.." "Any bear event before whatsoever since tonight if that's not already obvious..." "Well, then you're definitely coming with us." "It's like a summer camp reunion with all the guys you haven't seen in months." "And like a parade of the proud studs that finally made it into Roger's playroom this year." "Damn, who is this Roger already?" ""Damn" is usually what most people say when they see him." "Ehh." "He's not that hot." "He's like that hot daddy you see with their kids, that you just want to pounce on." "stroller meat." "Yes, exactly!" "And he just won Mr. New York Daddybear this year." "sash queen!" "What is wrong with you?" "Well, Michael and Carlos went home to cuddle. so, I suggest we follow suit." "They're cute, do they.. uh.. do they "play well with others?"" "No, no." "Those two are like lesbians, just without the drum circles." "Well so are we, that's what we are.." "OK, for the record.." "..no more Bear Claws for the lightweight who stole my heart." "Of course we're monogamous, baby." "Ohh, oh." "Gotta put the ad on the bulletin board." "Oh, yeah. shit, I almost forgot." "What's the ad for?" "We have a two bedroom, we rent out the extra bedroom." "We lost our friend Tony to a big red-headed bear from Texas." "Yeah, Texas-sized, as they say." "Why?" "You lookin' for a place?" "Last call boys!" "Drink 'em up." "He's fine." "I understand that." "Besides you ought to take it as a compliment." "Come here." "I ain't with him, I'm with you." "I know." "I know." "Oh baby, how's your knee?" "Better." "You want me to get down on 'em." "Oh gordito, I just love you so much." "I love you too, Carlito." "Oh, how was softball?" "I'm so sorry I missed the game." "Oh it was fine." "It wasn't the same with out my cheering section though." "I'm your whole cheering section?" "You're my whole world." "You're so sweet." "seriously." "I'm sorry about getting jealous." "It's just guys like that," "I know what they see." "400 pounds of prime beef?" "No, I mean it." "Gordito I look at you and I see you and I see how beautiful you are." "Inside and out." "I better see the inside out of this shirt at the foot of my bed in about 40 seconds." "Ok." "Oh, I love when you do that." "Oh!" "Wait, wait, wait." "These are the interviews for next week." "Dammit." "Just gimme a minute." "I'm sorry." "It's ok." "Take your time." "I haven't been without a job since I was 18 and comparatively sprightly." "You're gonna find work baby, ok." "Just calm down, you are." "That's easy for you to say." "Talk to me again in 10 years and 100 more pounds from now." "Oh yeah... you're really turning me on now." "Oh, stop kidding around." "Carlos, I think I'm going to have the surgery." "so you're going to get your stomach stapled?" "They don't staple it anymore, they use a rubber band, a lap band it's called." "I knew you wouldn't understand." "Of course I don't understand, gordito!" "Ok, cause that kind of treatment is for people with health problems." "Not self-worth problems." "Carlos, I need a job." "And what?" "What you think that being fucking thin is going to somehow make you magically employable?" "I think you need to go to your apartment tonight." "Gordito, please don't do this." "Come on." "Just go." "Was he understanding when you told him?" "I mean, simon doesn't really listen as much as he just waits for you to stop talking so that he can start." "Oh, I fucking hate people like that." "I know but he was.." "I don't blame him, he was pissed you know." "Yeah." "We were supposed to be moving into this two-bedroom apartment with him and this twink." "I could not picture myself spending another yearjerking off to bear porn because I'm too afraid to bring a real guy home." "Plus when you're in Chelsea, if your waist size is over 36 the Chelsea police turn your ass around at 23rd street and send you packing back to Hell's" "Kitchen." "Isn't Hell's Kitchen getting just as bad." "Aren't they calling it Helsea?" "Oh, watch the curb." "Oh shit." "It's not tough enough, It's like admitting that you.." "Oh, shit." "I'm sorry dude." "...admitting that you know you like bears is like is like coming out of the closet twice." "I know." "It's one thing to say you think Brad Pitt's hot, but try saying you want a mouthful of John Goodman." "Exactly." "Like the other day I even had a dream that I was having sex with a guy in a santa Claus outfit and simon walked in and caught us." "Ohh." "Did he stuff your stocking?" "Yes. santa comes more than once a year in my dreams." "No joke, no joke." "Michael's boyfriend Carlos had a department store santa as a fuckbuddy - hooked us up with a thirty percent discount." "Wow." "Friends with below retail benefits." "God, I love it!" "Uh, I think I'm done." "Umm." "It's mostly everything. so, I can take it from here if you wanna head up." "OK, I'm going to wake up sleeping booty and see if I can't get some..." "All this fantasy talk has made me kinda horny." "Me, too." "Hey!" "There's still some room!" "Uhh." "There's a few more things that I umm.." "I'm sorry." "I uh.. just jokin'!" "You have no idea." "Truck stop was off the hook." "It was outrageous." "They have this huge, huge hot tub." "That's Ted and the glam bears." "Umm, glam bears... define." "Nay." "They're actually muscle bears." "It's just what I call guys like that." "They make me feel insecure because they have perfect bodies, perfect boots, perfect beards and all that." "Woof." "Oh, barf." "Wow, uh jaded cappuccino with a double shot of hate and despair." "You." "Make that up all by yourself?" "It's an original piece that I'm working on." "Is it?" "Is it really?" "No, but seriously, Brent." "Thank you, very much." "It's really appreciated, I need this job." "Oh well, the job sucks." "Don't worry about that, but the eye candy is compensation." "I'll say - hard candy by the looks of it." "Oh, no, no, that's Robbie." "We call her Ruby because of the slippers that will fall out her mouth when she speaks." "Hey, lover!" "Girl!" "Hunny, you look fabulous." "Do a little twirl, so I can take a look at ya!" "Uh huh." "Like the wig?" "Uh.." "Can I have a search party sent out for the hard-on that I just lost?" "Harsh." "That was rough, right?" "It was mean and not funny." "Well.." "Can I get some service over here?" "shut up, you polar bear!" "I'm going to go tend to her before she goes extinct." "Hey Roger." "What's up?" "How you doin?" "Good, man." "How you' doing?" "What's up?" "Look who it is." "What's up babe?" "Oh la la." "Oh hey baby." "When am I gonna get a piece of that?" "Look at that bod." "Coffeehouse Massacre." "Film at 1 1." "This thing hates me." "It hates me too, that's why I stay on this side of the counter." "Can I get a Black-Eye?" "Left hook or right hook?" "It's a coffee with two shots of espresso." "Oh, gotcha." "Just thought maybe that's how they did it here at the leather bars." "I'm new." "And I'm used." "Keep the change." "There they are." "Gentlemen." "surprise, surprise." "Tyra, Tyler." "I'm going to take a break, ok?" "Did you meet Roger?" "Uh yeah." "Not formally but he ordered a busted lip or something." "Black-Eye?" "Yeah." "sure." "Good." "Oh can I get an Iced coffee and a Decaf Iced coffee for" "Michael and a Latte for Fred." "Thank You!" "Um." "Contrary to the actor's cliche, I still don't know how to use any of this equipment." "Can't hear you, I'm on break." "Hi guys." "Oh, Daddy's home. so put your toys away or" "I'm going to have to confiscate them." "You're so mean." "Actually, I think Daddy brought some toys of his own for show and tell." "What'd I miss?" "We were just pondering the hypothetical question of what it would cost to get Roger to Nair his entire body." "A million bucks?" "A million dollars tax-free so you won't end up like Richard Hatch." "Fuck no." "My hair is my mating call." "Let's move on to letting the cat out of the bag, shall we?" "Hey, what are these?" "Please tell me those are metal chopsticks." "Well, they could be used on Chinese, just not the food per se." "You know what those are?" "Do you know what those are?" "They ain't for knitting'." "It's a set of sounds." "A set of sounds.. alright, I give up." "What's a sound?" "so glad you asked, Brent." "What are you doing?" "Patience, my boy!" "so, imagine, if you will, that this is your cock and this is the hole." "Oh..." "Breath, breath." "No.." "Oh God, I get the sound part." "What is wrong with cuddling?" "Oh, shit!" "Tyler, what are you doing?" "I'm sorry, I spilled the Evil Eye all over myself when I saw the sounds." "Is this a cafe or a sex club?" "You know what those are?" "Yeah." "Is this the Tyler that just moved in with you guys?" "The same." "Tough first day kid." "I'm Roger." "Hi, I'm humiliated." "Nice to meet you." "Tyler, Tyler!" "I'll clean it." "I'll clean it, I will clean it." "You go in the back and put a shirt on before you get raped." "That's one way to pick up business." "Hey!" "At least they made her pretty." "Now don't be mean." "He's new to the scene." "Now that is so cute!" "You guys got yourself an in-house chaser." "That'll spice things up a little bit." "We don't need no spicing up, Rachael Ray, we're yummo as it is." "so, Michael, where's Carlos?" "Guys..." "Umm, Carlos and I have decided to take a little break." "What happened?" "We just need time to reevaluate." "sweetie, I'm so sorry to hear that." "Me too." "Me Too." "But right now I'm focused on getting a job by the Fall." "Now wait, do you need help financially?" "Fuck you bitches." "Well you asked!" "I'll be fine, I'll be fine." "But I ain't paying' for the coffee." "Oh this shit's free now." "Tyler that was amazing." "Dude, I am so sorry." "You're totally fired." "I'm just kidding." "Here's an extra small." "I'm kidding, it's a large." "stop." "Roger must think I'm such a douche." "No, no, no." "Don't' worry." "We'll get you up to speed. show you how to work the tray, how to not drop things, work with milk, not give anyone espresso conjunctivitis." "You don't know what that is right?" "It's bacterial infection." "Oh cool." "Do you think that Fred's cute?" "Yeah, I mean I think you're both adorable." "Why?" "No reason." "Hey!" "Is anyone working here?" "!" "shut the fuck up Mary!" "Don't get your panties in a bunch!" "It's our four year anniversary in two weeks.." "Yes." "And I was just.." "Oh yes, four." "Four!" "Four years baby and I was just thinking about how ideal this is you know?" "I never really believed in that whole soulmate bullshit." "It didn't seem like anything that could actually happen." "But now I know it can." "Yay." "I love that we are so in sync with each other, you know." "Me too." "We have our own language, we finish each other's sentences." "We are impenetrable." "Do you think we should "spice it up" as Roger says?" "Wait." "Well, where did that come from?" "Do you?" "No, I'm perfectly happy with our routine." "Oh my god, a routine." "Not routine, sweetheart." "You know what I meant." "No, I don't." "Please define it for me, in urban dictionary terms." "What?" "Ok." "Well how long have you been thinking about this?" "About what?" "My mother says if you say something once you probably thought it twice." "Yeah, which is complete bullshit." "You callin' my mother a liar?" "I have a few choice adjectives if you're asking." "Don't, sweetheart." "You know I love your mother...can we leave her out of this conversation, please?" "Ok, so are there rules?" "This is hypothetically speaking, of course." "Yeah, hypothetically speaking, we would have to decide what we do and don't want to do with other people." "Alright, like what Dennis and Peter do. so.. 'No kissing.'" "Oh.." "You're in my ear." "Oh..." "that's it." "What..." "Ahh, is that.. gorgeous, that.." "Well that is completely retarded." "I don't know how they make that work." "Ok.. stupid." "Uhh.." "Chris and.." "What is that thing they do, Chris and Andy?" "Veto power." "Oh.." "Yay!" "Nay." "What are you blind?" " Nay." " Yay." " Nay." " You didn't even look." "Whatever." "Nay.." "But I hear he has a donkey dick." "Ok, that's got divorce written all over it." "soooo.." ""no fucking?"" "Yeah." "Yes." "Ah, well that's the pickle, isn't it?" "Is it?" "It makes the most sense to me- it's the most intimate, and its the most risky." "I wish I had never brought this up." "Why?" "!" "Because of "no fucking"?" "Can't figure out how to not fuck?" "sounds perfect in theory but the ultimate question becomes not whether you can live with it..." "Oh baby.... ...it's whether you can live up to it." "You ok?" "Fuck yeah." "Well I guess then it's just like cheating." "Hmm." "I think I have something that you could live with." "Thanks for coming with me, Rodge." "It really means a lot to me." "Mick, shut up." "I've known you for how long?" "On a Creationism or evolutionary timeline?" "Exactly, Methuselah." "Cruising the waiting room, Roger?" "Really?" "so, what happened yesterday that prompted this little office visit?" "Not that I'm complaining." "Can we focus on me for one second, please?" "Focusing." "It's not just yesterday, I've been thinking about this ever since I got laid off." "It's only been a couple of months." "Yeah, but every interview goes the same way." "I'm sorry, Mr. McCarthy, but we're looking for someone with a little more energy who can really take on the workload." "And you seem qualified for sure and if things expand around here then I'll be sure to give you a call." "I know you can't say it openly because of equal opportunity laws, but you're right, my big fat ass probably would crush a lot of your fancy, expensive chairs." "I'm sorry?" "And there was one other thing I forgot to put on my resume." "Bing!" "Do you always go "And Justice For All" on them?" "No, just yesterday." "Mr. McCarthy?" "Yes." "Here." "C'mon." "I'm Roger." "I'm Paul." "Hey, Paul." "Roger?" "!" "Daddy's testy." "I know the feeling." "sorry." "stop it!" "Oh my God, Rodge." "Put the organ back." "Mick, I don't know about this." "It looks worse than it is." "Michael?" "Yes." "Roger." "This procedure was regarded as a last resort for the highest risk individuals, people whose health and lives were in absolute jeopardy, but now exists within the elective category." "How long would it take for me to visibly lose weight?" "You'd be shopping for a new belt within a week." "That's amazing." "Yes, it's exciting." "You'll be amazed at how it will impact your life." "That's what I'm counting on, doc." "OK, wait." "Can we talk about side effects, risks, how does this work?" "Top line, we make five small incisions in the patient's stomach." "And then we use those incision points to place, essentially, a rubber band around the patient's stomach." "Mick, are you crazy?" "Just listen." "It sounds worse than it is." "Yeah, you keep saying that." "I urge you to read this." "It answers common questions that people have." "I assure you, your partner will be in good hands." "Well, just reassure me, doc - will my partner still be able to guzzle?" "Thanks for coming and bringing your caring nature." "I just want you to be happy." "I know." "I just wish Carlos was understanding." "Instead, he told me he didn't sign up for a thin guy." "Well he's right." "What?" "Carlos didn't settle for your body, Michael, he's attracted to it." "That's how this whole community got started in the first place." "Can we not do the whole bear community rah-rah discussion, please?" "Fine." "Just think about it a little before you totally write him off." "I will." "Good." "I will!" "Yes!" "Impressive." "Me?" "Your shoes match your bag." "Well, intimidation is half the game my boy." "Really, it's refreshing to see a young man like you into the sport." "I used to play on a father-son league when I was a kid out in Philadelphia, used to get a dollar for every strike." "But I.." "But, what about you?" "same, same." "I played with my father as a boy as well, back in the quarter per strike days." "I'm in the Bear League in an hour." "You should think about joining." "You're not half-bad." "Half-bad?" "Ok, I hope you have a roll of dollar bills in your pocket, daddy." "Don't you worry about what's in my pocket, just reset the board and grab your ankles, kid!" "Well, Rog, It looks like I'm just one strike away from kicking your ass." "As long as you don't choke." "Choke?" "Ha!" "You wish, grandpa!" "You're doing an awful lot of talking, I see Grandma's teeth in your future." "Oh really, do you?" "Ok well get ready for the splasher!" "splasher?" "Oh shit." "Ouch, oh the dreaded bedposts." "Well Tyler, you know what, the good news is," "If you get this spare, you'll win." "Funny." "Tyler." "What?" "Angle your approach more." "Oh come on, Roger." "What's the difference?" "This shot's impossible." "Now look you'll have to give it a lot of crank but it's not impossible." "Come here." "Just shoot for that second dart from here." "swing out, and give it some lift, you can make this." "Have you ever made this?" "No... but there's a first time for everything." "snake eyes!" "somebody's fucked without spit." "Teddy bear, where we at?" "Oh we're in the graveyard, but we're playin' a bunch of those pastel Care" "Bears so it should be easy." "Who's the kid?" "Oh, uh, it's um, Bert and Ernie's roommate." "I'm not interrupting anything am I?" "No, come on." "I've got a reputation to uphold." "You know, it looks like if the kid makes the unmakeable split he could take you." "Ten bucks says the kid makes the split and kicks your ass." "Fuck you." "Come on kid, show us what you got." "C'mon Ty." "C'mon Ty." "Do it." "Wow, the kid can crank!" "Ahh, better luck next time, kid." "C'mon, Rog, recess is over." "Let's go cream some Care Bear ass." "Oh!" "Ohh." "Oh oh, get the yellow one." "I don't need it." "Up, up, up.. ooh." "Get the blue one." "stop." "Go, go, go." "Who's playing this game, you or me?" "You want to tell me what's wrong?" "sure..." "I love you, Gobo." "I love you too, Wembley." "And I don't want to open the relationship." "Alright, then we won't." "Is that alright with you?" "Is it alright with you?" "I asked you first." "Oh!" "saved by the Twinkie." "Hi." "What the fuck is up mother fuckers?" "I'm gonna go take a piss and I'll be right back." "The kid's drunk." "We'll talk about this later?" "Yeah, it'll probably be better." "We'll watch a movie." "Where'd you go?" "(BURPs)" "Eww." "Heineken or Pabst?" "Yup, I went to the beer blast at the Eagle." "Yeah, we figured." "Oh, I told everyone how handsome that you both are and how nice you're being to me." "Oh, and I went to an audition, and booked it." "No, you didn't." "shut up." "Uh, and I went bowling, but I'm not talking about it." "Oh?" "I said I'm not talking about it." "Alright we're about to start the greatest Jennifer Lopez movie ever." "Oh, "Out of sight"?" ""selena"." "Oh, anything for selena." "Oh yeah!" "Let's have a little slumber party." "We'll cuddle up between two bears and watch." "No, we were going to do it alone." "Brent?" "Oh, no it's fine." "It's fine." "I have to go to bed anyway." "No no sweetheart." "No, no, no." "You sit right back down, this is your house now too." "Alright, well I'll order Chinese for three people." "Oh, do Pu Pu platter." "Oh yeah, Kung Pow." "Holy shit!" "Oh no no no." "Oh no no no." "Oh God!" "Why would you do that?" "A bear is a terrible thing to waste." "Ok, what do you fraggets want?" "slimworkzzz make you look hot in a bathing suit!" "It works!" "slimworkzzz to impress your boss and co-workers!" "You're hired!" "slimworkzzz to lift the velvet rope for you at the best clubs and events." "single?" "With slimworkzzz, you'll turn heads!" "slimworkzzz while you sleep to get rid of that jiggle." "It really works!" "Are those bulky running machines and exercise equipment taking up all spare room?" "Get rid of them!" "With slimworkzzz, you'll not only have space to spare in your home but also your waistline." "slimworkzzz -- when fat's making you a failure, slimworkzzz will make you a success!" "And now slimworkzzz has a dreamy price." "Order two bottles of slimworkzzz for the price of one." "We'll even throw in a free bottle of" "Cell-You-Tite toner ointment." "Warning: may cause dizziness, drowziness, or anal leakage." "so what are you bitches having?" "Do you have anything organic, or overpriced from Whole Foods?" "You do?" "Can I just have a sausage with no bun?" "Cue." "Oh ah, God, um.. sausage, bun, meat, barbecue, insert joke." "sorry, I don't have anything." "Are you sure?" "I'm sure." "Daddy's got some big hot sizzling meat here." "Oh thank you, there it is." "I'm not that hungry." "Yeah, come on Michael, don't be shy." "I mean, who knows." "This could be your last supper, no?" "Carlos, what are you doing here?" "Oh what?" "so I'm an outcast now?" "Is that what you're gonna do to all of your friends once you're thin enough to join the White Party?" "This is really inappropriate, baby." "Thin enough for what?" "Yeah, Carlos." "What are you talking about?" "Oh so, I guess you didn't tell them." "Carlos, shut the fuck up." "Ok, well of course you know." "You can't tell me that you, of all people, approve of this?" "No, I don't." "But it's not my decision." "Nor is it yours." " You know what, Back the fuck off, or" " Or what?" "Ok both of you..." "Calm down and take five, or eight." "Twelve." "Hey man, who the fuck are you?" "seriously, I mean, where the fuck did you come from, anyway?" "Carlos!" "Please... stop." "Fuck man!" "!" "Can someone tell me what the fuck just happened here?" "Junior here just strapped on a pair of brass balls is what happened!" " Are you getting the lap band?" " Brent." " What?" " Leave it." "It's OK." "Yes, I am getting the lap band." "I'm going into surgery the" "Monday after BearCity." "Michael, that's next weekend." "I know, I know." "And thank you for coming to my defense, but you guys please don't be too hard on Carlos, I know this is really tough on him." "And you, thank you for stepping in between the two people I love most in the world and keep them from killing themselves." "Yeah, you got all Judge Judy on her." "I was impressed." "so was I." "I just wanted to make sure I put in my footlong order." "Hey Rodge!" "Teddy Bear!" "What is up?" "How's it going?" "What's cooking?" "Apparently you are!" "Nice apron." "Ahh, sexy fuck." "What up man?" "Yo man what up?" "sup." "Alright, who's hungry?" "Huh?" "Oh yeah, I'll take two of everything, man." "I'll have what he's having." "I'm sorry, Brent." "It just happened." "I know." "I saw." "You think I'm stupid?" "No, I don't." "I was stoned." "Oh, what's fucking new?" "Why didn't you say something?" "What am I supposed to say, Fred?" ""Tyler, can you please get your taint out of my husband's face"?" "Oh fuck, I can't believe I did that." "I can't believe you did it after we just talked about how you were OK with not doing it." "That was the truth, Brent." "I wasn't looking to open the relationship." "Then what are you looking for in the crack of his ass?" "C'mon Brent!" "You weren't exactly up for things all the time, you know." "Oh ok, right?" "so I'm totally impotent just because I don't want to have fucking sex all the time." "I'm sorry." "I'm just getting a lot of mixed signals here, Brent." "One minute you're up for trying new things and then you do a 180." "Fine." "I will do it." "see!" "see." "Oh.." "God." "Hey, baby." "This is a work-in-progress." "If this doesn't work out we'll talk, and we'll figure something else out that does work for both of us." "OK?" "Okay" "I love you." "I love you too." "Aww, sweetie." "More, more." "God I love stroller meat." "simon?" "The one and only!" "Jesus, if I have needed to see anybody right now you are the perfect person who has just skated into my heart." "Now I'm necessary in your life?" "simon, listen to me." "Not even a single text message." "Ok, I am sorry, simon." "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." "What else do I have to prove to you how sorry I am." "Besides what you're thinking in your head." "You are so lucky I still want to tap that ass." "What are you doing?" "What have you been up to?" "I just got emancipated from my slave labe at Urban O's." "When the hell did you start working there?" "Oh well, since you flaked on us Cory and I found a third." "Jasyn." "He hooked me up." "It's Jasyn with a "y." He's friends with Bryan with a "y."" "Oh yes, because vowels just don't cut it for the gay generation anymore." "I miss you, Ty." "I miss you too, simon." "I'm sorry for bailing on you guys, really." "And I'm sorry that I said that thing about the thing, and the other thing." "Right, whatever that just meant it means a lot." "I hear the siren song of starbitches coffee." "someone looking for a caffeine infusion?" "Coffee, no." "I think I'd rather die." "Let's go back to your place and have a real drink." "Done!" "You like that?" "You like that, huh?" "You like that?" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh yeah." "You like that huh?" "Yeah!" "shut the fuck up!" "Are you OK?" "I'm fine, boy." "I'm fine." "Fine." "so your telling me he stuck his fingers in your ass?" "Cheers to that!" "Notice anything different?" "Um... you're now a part of the rhythm nation?" "Hello" " I lost 5 whole pounds!" "I thought I'd have you drooling by now." "Actually, gaining ten would probably put you in the right direction." "What?" "You mean you want me to have a roll?" "Twenty pounds." "A muffin top?" "Thirty." "Are you suggesting a..." "I mean a..." "a whole... a belly?" "Yeah, throw some hair on that belly and I think we're talking perfection." "What happened to you?" "Were you dropped on your head as a child?" "Oh God, simon, please don't ever change." "You know, scratch that." "Mature, but please don't ever change." "Wow, I had no idea." "I honestly thought it was me, why you never, you know." "Oh, simon, there's nothing wrong with you." "Physically." "Ok, listen, I do.." "I really do appreciate you." "It's hard, I have nobody else outside all this anymore to just, you know, vent to." "Yeah, that's a lot of drama you've got going on." "Don't bears just cuddle and eat fish all day?" "Please." "Bears can be just as gossipy and superficial as the circuit queens, ok?" "Have you heard of musclebears?" "No?" "Well, those are Roger's buddies, they're all like the Third Bear Reich." "You not only have to be big and hairy, you have to be muscular to boot." "Muscular?" "I always thought you joined the bear scene after you lost the battle of the bulge." "God, I love your sophisticated world views, it's so FOX News." "sorry, but, c'mon, does a big guy with a rug on his back really turn you on?" "Yes, yes it does." "Wow." "You like bears." "I like bears." "OK." "And you specifically like this Roger guy." "This unobtainable Lost Ark of the Covenant bear." "Yeah, he might be as old as Indiana Jones." "What?" "He's a little bit older, you know." "How old?" "Ok." "I need you to focus here, simon." "I need to get this guy's attention." "Well, at least you're consistent." "You always used to go after the unobtainable ones when you hung out with us too." "That's because I wasn't trying to obtain them." "This guy I really want to get his attention." "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" "Yup." "You need clothes that don't fit." "The "Bear Book" oh and the "Bear Book" sequel." "simon, do you really think Roger is gonna like all this stuff?" "Ok." "Oh my God, Ty." "It's like Bear-neys in here!" "Look at all of this great stuff!" "Ok, personal shopper easy on it." "But you know, maybe if you're lucky" "I'll let you manscape me later." "Thanks." "C'mon, Ty." "Do you need help adjusting anything?" "Hang on." "Gimme two minutes." "Oh my God, you look so pretty." "He's gonna love it." "Hey, bears!" "Welcome to Furfest, the official kick off party of BearCity weekend." "Let's get rowdy, and let the fur start flyin'!" "What's the problem?" "We're at capacity." "Just gimme a minute, alright?" "I've been here for twenty minutes." "Roger, how you doin' handsome?" "Good to see you." "You too." "Lookin' good as always." "Right back at ya." "What the fuck!" "What can I get you, handsome daddy?" "Can I get a Bourbon." "Bourbon?" "Ok." "Keep the change." "Hey hot cub, what can I get you?" "Bourbon on the rocks." "I got it." "I didn't know you were a bourbon drinker." "Apparently there's a few things you don't know about me, Rodge." "Apparently." "You look great tonight." "You don't look so bad yourself." "You know, you almost nailed that spare." "Yeah, I know." "The unmakeable shot." "Is it?" "Well look who it is." "What can I get you, hot Bear?" "Whiskey, rocks." "You know you could've brought me in with you before." "I am a hot guy, you're a hot guy - we would have the whole city talking." "They're already talking." "Yes." "All talk, no action." "Arriba, abajo, al centro, para adentro." "You're a nasty oso." "You know spanish?" "I've spent some time in spain..." "And inside a few spaniards." "I'm Andalusian." "Is there a difference?" "Oh, si." "It all starts with the way you place your tongue." "I see." "I don't think you do." " Roger." " Fernando." "Whooo!" "Whoo!" "Double points." "Triple score!" "Oh my God!" "shit, Tyler!" "You scared the hell out of me!" "Haven't you ever heard of knocking?" "!" "Oh God, you're officially whatever the PC term is for 'retarded'." "Hand me those shorts." "Hey, it's my cardio." "Ok?" "Gym memberships cost a fortune in this city." "What are you doing here, anyway?" "shouldn't you be gettin' your Bear on?" "I dunno, sy." "He's like... he's like emotionally unavailable." "You know, one minute I feel like we're connecting and you know, he's going to give me that Hollywood kiss and the next minute he's acting like Mr. Tough Guy in front of his bowling buddies." "Bowling buddies?" "Is that like a metaphor?" "No, simon, it's like bowling, like um.." "like the sport." "These are the Muscle Bears you were talking about?" "Yep." "Today I lost him to some random albeit hot asshole who decided to cut in between us." "Well then don't let anyone cut in between you again." "Did he like the Bear drag?" "He loved it." "It was perfect." "He said I looked great." "His words." "OK, then, that's it." "I'm coming with you tomorrow night and you're going to tell this guy how you feel once and for all." "Wow, sy." "I've never seen you so forceful before." "It's kinda hot, right?" "You want me now." "I know it." "Yes, the ironic headband just pushed me right over the edge." "Nope, God I like bears." "Where do I buy Rogaine?" "so, Fernando?" "What brings you to New York." "Holiday, I am here for a week." "so what do you do in.." "Barcelona." "Barcelona?" "I am a Go-Go Dancer at the Bear Factory." "Are you joking?" "No, have you ever been?" "Yeah." "Yeah I've been there." "Is there good money in that?" "Yeah, I do OK." "How about you?" "I think you probably can't pay your bills as a Go-Go Dancer in New York." "Lord knows I've tried." "No, I'm in finance." "And you don't have a boyfriend?" "What about you?" "You have some French or German musclebear waiting for you in a hotel room down in the financial district?" "No, no, I am flying solo." "It's hard in spain, no one is interested in a relationship." "They just want to have sex with tourists." "It gets boring after a while." "That's why I'm thinking about moving here." "That's understandable, it never gets boring here." "No, to find someone." "I didn't take you as a nester." "I'm thinking about it." "That's the reason I am here this week." "I was planning to look at apartments, for work, a new life." "As a Go-Go dancer?" "No, I just did that to put myself through University." "I'm a massage therapist." "Oh really?" "si." "Are you good?" "The best." "Do you want a massage?" "I want a lot of things, but I'll start with a massage." "Baum chicka bouw boum." "Bauw!" "What do you want?" "Do the wave!" "I knew it." "Nice." " You put it in?" " Yeah." "You wrote the right name?" " Yes, stop." " With two X's." "X X L?" "Yes double X, L." "OK, we got a few more here, so we're gonna put these messages in your envelopes. so come up when I call your name." "Texas Bear..." "You've got Mail!" " This is stupid." " It's not stupid." "It's hot." "Wait so, it's hot?" "You're lookin' cool." "shut up." "FuzzyCub4Daddy..." "You've got Mail!" "BeerCan Double XL... you've got mail... that's a shocker." "mail... that's a shocker." "Oh good." "Now he's gotta go two flights up to find us." "Hiding in the corner of the roof." "We're not hiding." "Just looking casual, just lookin' cool." "sent him a note instead of just talking to him." "Danny, I need a better screen name than "Frank Furter."" "sure Frank." "Try this one." ""Auntie Biotic?"" "Hey, I'm BeerCan Double XL." "Prove it." "I got your proof right here!" " What'd you write?" " Doesn't matter." " Did you write something cool?" " Yeah, it's totally cool." "Fuck yeah." "He's coming." "Oh there he is." "I'm gonna cross my arms, does this look cool?" "Yeah, it's cool." "Chill." "Hey." "Hey." "I got your note." " That's hot." " Yeah that's fucking hot." "so, you interested, Bro?" "The name's Mel..." "And you are?" "I'm Fred and this is my hot motherfucking partner Brent." "sometimes our friends call us.." "Call us Bert and Ernie." "Fuck." "Not if they want to live." "Or get some." "Yeah." "That's right." "How about I just call you two the hottest holes I've ever turned out?" "Like inside out?" "Possibly." "Fuck." "Come on." "Good." "I'm trying to get clean." "Let me get some of that.." "How does my hair look?" "My hair look cool?" "Wait, wait." "Oh it's very cool." "Hey boys." "We don't need that." "No we don't." "What's the minimum at this table?" "Ummm... the house welcomes your bet." "Yeah, poker, whatever." "Yeah, fuck yeah." "Easy, easy." "Uncle Mel won't forget about you, handsome." " Yeah?" " Yeah." "Easy on the nipples, Kid, Uncle Mel likes it soft." "I'm sorry, sir." "I mean, Uncle Melvin." "I've been a bad boy." "That's a good boy." "Yeah." "He's a good boy." "Hey, man easy with the finger in my hole." "You gotta' go smooth." "I'm sorry, Uncle Mel." "I'm sorry." "Uncle Mel will guide ya." "Yeah." "What the fuck?" "Hey, what the hell you doin' Kid?" "!" "I thought you would like that?" "You thought I'd like that?" "!" " Well, he likes it..." " What?" "You like it?" "No I don't like it.." "What the fuck is going on with you amateurs?" "I don't like that.." "You know guys are fucked." "Yeah, I am getting the fuck out of here." "Uncle Mel!" "Oh my God." "Holy shit, Brent!" ""Holy shit, Brent?" "!" You're not pinning this on me just because I won." "What'd you win?" "Asshole of the year award for your water sports antics?" "No, Mr. finger missile, you won that when you decided to open this relationship." "You decided to do this!" "I was over it." "Karma." "I'm an adult." "Oh my God." "Oh come on!" "This is a door, can we try using it.." "Oh holy shit, I'm calling 91 1!" "Wait, shit." "Tyler, wait!" "Uncle Mel?" "Is it good?" "Yeah, just like my dick." "What's up." "I.D. please?" "Thank you." "Woof!" "Grrr." "What are you doing?" "Getting my bear on." "Ok simon, do not embarrass me." "Ok." "Thank you." "Grr." "Let's go." "Oh, it's good!" "Really good?" "Yeah, you want one?" "You know what, let's do it." "I have just had a week of job interviews and made it through." "Didn't you have a promising interview?" "What is this Broadway you speak of?" "Who let you in here?" "I am on your side." "Aww." "May we please taste your Dirty Jock?" "Three Dirty Jocks coming up!" "Oh ok, what exactly is in a Dirty Jock, Randy?" "I'll be right with you." "It's vodka, club soda, olive juice chilled to perfection, topped with an olive." "Martini in a shot glass." "With some bubbles." "It's not girlie enough for me." "What's up!" "Two more." "Guys, this is my old roommate and dear dear friend, simon." "Hello ursine creatures!" "I come in peace." "Oh how sweet." "Michael." "simon, nice to meet you." "simon, this is my new roommate Fred." "Enchanted." "And the ever charming Brent." "Hi." "Nice to finally meet you both." "Oh, I hope your uncle's OK." "Ohh, was there a newsletter?" "Put a banner up?" "I'm going to kill you." "C'mon guys, I ain't got all night." "One for beauty." "Beast." "You wanna take this drink here, Fred?" "I'm gonna be rude guys, and make a toast to myself." "To the new me... inside all this old me!" "Ah yes." "Cheers." "Ew!" "What the hell was that?" "Awful." "That was Randy's Dirty Jock." "Yeah, tastes like it." "Fuck you bitches." "Die of thirst." "Alright, alright." "Listen to this." "What had happened was, as usual I get to the interview and I am drenched in sweat." "The guy, the embryo ya know, I was interviewing with goes out to his receptionist right at that moment." "Grr." "What are you doing?" "No!" "Boys!" "Your elder is talking." "I'm sorry father." "so, I go up to shake his hand, it slides off a torrent of wet." "But that's not when I lost it." "I get in his office, I put my big chubby buns up in a chair." "Make sure I don't break it." "Lean back and the button from my belly drops into the sky, 360 degree turns swear to this day and lands right on his desk." "You are lying." "True." "Oh girl, that is so hot!" "That's horrifying!" "It's hot-rrifying!" "Just trying it out." "Your comedy done run dry girl." "No?" "I'm a giver." "Any other day I might have gone to the chicken shack, the taco haven." "I'd run down and got me some chocolate ringlets, a couple of Cornish hens." "But I thought to myself I'm gonna lose so much weight, I gonna go back, I'm gonna get this job." "I'm gonna take it." "That's right." "Well, what ever ended up happening with the whole button thing then?" "Well, I made a joke." "I said it's "Occupational hazard for us Bears"." "He laughed politely, and then he offered me a sewing kit." "No." "As one does." "As one do." "Lord, I'm so sorry baby." "Oh it was a moment." "But you know what, I've got friends like y'all, I'm gonna lose 227 pounds." "I'm gonna conquer the world." "That's sweet." "Yes, it is, just like you." "Wahoo." "Uh hum. see this?" "see what I'm doing here?" "This is what the kids call the "E" kicking in." "And I am starting my roll as they say, so I think I'm gonna get on the dance floor and start dancing!" "schweet!" "Did he just say he had "E"?" "simon." "Right." "Chao." "Come on you guys, come on let's go dance." "C'mon." "Michael." "Let's go dance, baby." "Oh I'm too old for this shit." "Get your fat ass up and get on the dance floor." "Oh don't call me out like that!" "You are officially trying' to kill me." "Awe baby." "Come on Papa, gotta move your hips." "If I move my hips anymore they're gonna fall off." "C'mon Daddy, you can do it!" "Where'd you get this one?" "That's a nice Christmas present." "He likes the buffet." "What was that?" "What was that?" "You the monorail." "Hold for bus." "Come here Cece Pennington." "Calm down." "Hey what about the kid?" "Tell him to come on over." "Yeah wind him in." "Get if off, come on take it off." "I guess it wouldn't be a gay club if I didn't take my shirt off." "Hey, where the hell is simon?" "I fell in." "I'm gonna kill this bitch." "Kill this bitch." "Well, look what we have here!" "Hey, Roger!" "Which one is Roger?" "Guys, this is Fernando from Barcelona  can we join in?" "Yeah come in, Rodge." "Back it up." "You boy, in front!" "You, close your mouth, you're drooling." "He is fucking hot, Rodge." "He's moving in with me." "Did somebody put "E" in my dirty jock?" "Did he just say he's moving in with him?" "Ty, you OK?" "Yeah, sure." " Congratulations." " Alright, I'll see you later." "I'm hungry." "I want some chicken." " Poop hat." " Poop hat." "should I even ask what you're laughing at?" "No." "That's Uncle Mel?" "You are out of your mind." "Where'd yall get ecstasy?" "Oh, from the Circuit Bear in the front." " Oh, you mean Doug?" " Doug." " Figures." " Figures." "Tyler." "Water." "You're welcome, Bobby and Whitney." "Thanks Ty." "Hello." "I needed that, I am so sweaty." "Where's your new roommate?" " He went to go peeth." " Peeth." "This is a new development." "Would you tell your real friends what's going on?" "Certainly, Michael, my love." "What would you like to know?" "Well start at "we met in the back room" and go from there." "For your information we did not meet in the back room... we met at the bar upstairs last night." "Balls, tell us the story about his balls." "He's like your telenovela counterpart!" "You guys are tripping balls, aren't you?" " Balls." " Balls." "Ignore." "Talk to Daddy." "Look, I realize this may be uncharacteristic but I'm not going to kiss and tell." "What?" "!" "You always tell every story about every Tom, Dick and Harry." "Tom's dick is hairy." "That was funny, that was funny baby." "Moving in?" "You just met the guy." "Love at first grope." "That's what it's called." "No, no." "Love at first sounds!" "Ooh, put that wire hanger up your little.." "No one would even miss them if they were gone." "I will pay you to take them out." "I'm going to go find simon." "Who's simon?" "Tyler's old roommate." "He a nice li'l piece of chicken." "But you, tell me what's goin' on with you?" "Michael, I have no idea what you're talking about." "How long we known each other?" "That would be since the Mesozoic age." "Ah, since Pangaea broke apart." "And you have never acted like this." "I think you have feelings for someone, but it ain't this spaniard." "Michael, please don't psychoanalyze me." "I am your oldest friend, if I don't psychoanalyze you, who is gonna do it?" "I just want you to be happy." "I am happy." "And now I'm going to go find my Latin stud." "Oh yeah." "Put it here." "Is that a tear?" "I'll put it up here." "Oh baby." "That's cold." "That's cold." "Hey what's goin' on?" "Hey Rodge, who you lookin' for?" "This guy I met last night." "Oh yeah?" "Well if you find him, send him on over to me," "I'll break him in for ya." "Have a good night Buck." "Excuse me." "Rodge, wait." "Tyler, please." "Hey!" "Did you see what that asshole just did?" "Yes, please forgive that asshole, ok?" "I'm in love with him." "That was Roger?" "Yes, simon, go use another bathroom." "This some Tyra Banks shit!" "sorry, big guy, Woof!" "Grr!" "Hey Rodge?" "Please, Rodge." "If I think I'm an asshole, then I imagine the sentiment is mutual." "When are you going to stop giving a shit about what everyone thinks, and do what you want?" "Kid, what people think is all I see." "so why don't you close your eyes for once." "Aww." "Peeping Tom much?" "I'm sorry Ty, but that was so beautiful." "Please tell me you know this child." "No I can't say I do." "Feel free to kill him." "Nice." "Hi, we haven't been properly introduced." "I'm simon." "What up kid?" "I'm Roger." "Hey, simon?" "Oh, I'm sorry." "I'll leave you two, there's bound to be some Kylie playing in this club somewhere..." "Oh!" "I'm so" "Woof!" "Daddy's here." "Ohhhhhhh.... my God I can't believe I..." "What did I say?" "Don't worry." "Once you get to know him, he's exactly what you think he is." "God, you're beautiful." "What do you say?" "You ready to go make an appearance with me?" "Baby, I was just looking for you." "Keep looking, I'm back there somewhere." "Fuck you." "There are plenty of you back there." "Who wants to eat my ass?" "Last call." "Veto." "What about him?" "Veto." " What about him?" " Veto." " Why?" " He has a cold sore." "Oh my God." "What's up?" "Um." "Mel." "How you doin'?" "I'm good." "Woof." "so, you guys play?" "Um." "No, no." "We're monogamous." "Yeah, yeah sorry dude." "Monogamous." "I'm sorry." "We're from outta town." "Can't blame me for trying." "Good to meet you." "Oh God, thanks..." "I like your hat." "Oh my God." "stupid." "You have to take care of this knee, Gordito." "How does that feel?" "Much better, now." "I love you, Michael." "I love you too, Osito." "And I want to be with you in the hospital when you go." "Really?" "I would be lucky to be by your side." "Thank you." "That won't be necessary." "Why, Gordito?" "Please." "Carlos, I'm not gonna have the surgery." "Really?" "Really." "Oh my God." "When did you decide this?" "When you put the ice on my knee." "Come here, Gordito!" "Did you have fun last night?" "Oh I know you did had fun last night." "I saw you in the backroom." "I wasn't in the backroom." " You were in the backroom." " I was not!" "When he put the ice on my knee I knew it." "I was letting the world's narrow view of beauty dictate my self worth and disregarding the people who love me just how I am." "Besides, you know how much a new wardrobe costs these days?" "Ah, yes." "You two are so cute." "And by cute, I mean I just.." "Oh yeah, I definitely just threw up in my mouth a little bit." "Be that as it may, you both look very cute. surreal though it may be." "Oh Mick, you know I'm bigger than that." "My phone, my phone." "My chubby fingers trying to work this thing..." "Oh my God, baby." "That's great." "Congratulations!" "Don't you dare start singing fucking showtunes..." "I might sing some showtunes." "Dude, that's awesome!" "Baby, stop moving, everything's spinning." "Oh, sorry." "Hey bitches." "Randy!" "I thought you weren't working today." "I'm not." "These are on me." "DIRTY jocks ALL THE WAY AROUND!" "Listen up, everyone's attention." "Let's give a big shout out to the peeps that put on this whole thing together and to the bartenders who had to put up with your shit all week." "TO ANOTHER successful BEARCITY!" "Cheers!" "Drink it up, queers." "Have fun boys." "I'm outta here." "Hey Roger." "What up Ted?" "What's going on?" "You remember Tyler?" "Yeah, I lost ten bucks on the kid." "What, you baby-sitting?" "Tyler and I are together so just watch the fucking attitude." "Ok, Ok. sorry man." "I didn't mean anything." "Tyler, I'm sorry." "I didn't mean any disrespect." "You got a great man here." "Yeah I know, Teddy Bear." "Hey guys, here you go." "Hope you all can make it."