"MAN:" "Does your husband know anything about this?" " Hm?" "What did you say?" "MAN:" "Your husband." "Did he have any idea you were coming here today?" "No, I don't think so." "Now, this is calcium and a few other things." "You'll find the directions on the label." "Now, just go on leading a perfectly normal life." "Eat whatever you like, take plenty of exercise and get lots of sleep." " When do you think it'll be, doctor?" " Oh, about Christmas, I'd say." " Christmas." " Unless you're from the South where women take their time." "Hadn't you better hurry?" "It's almost time for your broadcast." "You mean exactly Christmas?" "Well, not necessarily Christmas day." "Say a week or 1 O days either way." " A first baby is..." " Broadcast!" " My goodness, what time is it?" " It's 28 after 4." " It can't be." " Oh, let me help you." "We're on the air in 30 minutes." "Jack will kill me." "Well, in that case, just don't bother to have that prescription filled." "I'll see if I can get a cab for you." "[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]" "Operator?" "Operator?" "Are you ringing that number?" " Did you find her?" " There's no answer in her apartment." "Maybe she went to the Ritz." "I'll get the number." "Why get so excited?" "Suppose she does miss a broadcast." "Is Russia marching?" "Will So_th Pacífíc play?" "Stop being profound and get Jack aspirin." "He's going crazy." "Oh, never mind, here she is now." "Kitty, where have you been?" " Jack's going crazy in there." " Hi, Walter." "[ORCHESTRA PLAYING]" "For heaven's sakes, Kitty." "Do you realize what time it is?" " I'm sorry." " The next time I marry a knuckle-headed dame." "I'm gonna get a divorce." " Get my lawyer." " I'm all out of breath." " What kept you?" " I had to go up on Fifth Avenue." "[JACK MUTTERING]" "Shh!" "We're on the air." "From coast to coast, the Cosmo Cosmetícs Program starring Kitty and Jack Moran." "[ORCHESTRA PLAYING AND AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]" " What'd you do that for?" " I'm sorry, I just couldn't help it." "Ladies and gentlemen, last week Kitty and Jack promised never to be argumentative or jealous again." "For a week they've lived up to their agreement." "We now take you to the Starlight Roof at the Waldorf where we find them dancing cheek to cheek." "Do you know why I wanted to come here tonight?" "No, sweetheart, why?" "Because this is where we first fell in love." "But we didn't fall in love here on the Starlight Roof." " You have your roofs mixed." " Now, don't try to tell me where we fell in love." "I had to pay the check." "But you told me you couldn't afford the Starlight Roof in those days." "You sure you haven't got me mixed up with Bessy Whatever-Her-Name-Is?" "Now, for heaven's sakes, don't start that again." "Then don't tell me where we fell in love." "Okay, okay." "Then you tell me." " In a doctor's office." " In a doc..." "I..." "When were we ever at a doctor's office?" "Oh, about Christmastime." "JACK:" "That champagne I bought you must have gone to your head." " What will we be doing at the doctor's?" " Getting some calcium." "Would you change scripts, because there's nothing about calcium." "We should be in the Starlight Roof dancing." "Cheek to cheek." "Nothing about calcium, doctor's office or Christma..." "Kitty." "No." "That's what I've been trying to tell you." "Oh, baby." "I don't remember writing anything like that." " You didn't." " I didn't?" "Somebody's gone nuts." "She's just told him and 23 million bug-eyed listeners..." " ... she's gonna have a baby, that's all." " A baby?" "Mm-hm." "What else would the idiot be carrying on like an idiot about?" "Well, if you ask me, it's a nice day for it." "Begin the song." "The song. "Deductible. "" "[ORCHESTRA PLAYING]" "CHORUS [SINGING]:" "The bíggest complaínt wherever we go" "Is taxes. taxes. taxes" "The questíon ís where do we get The dough for taxes. taxes. taxes" "[SINGING] Income taxes" "People are runníng from store to store From Macy's up to Saks'" "Mobody wants to work any more Because of íncome taxes" "Income taxes" "Thís ís the kínd of thínkíng That could be easíly be destructíble" "Haven't they learned The more they make" "The more there ís deductíble?" " Deductíble" " Deductíble" " Deductíble" " Deductíble" "It's deductíble" "It's deductíble" "A man can make a phone call From Jersey to the Coast" "It used to be expensíve But today you'll hear hím boast" "It's deductíble" "It's deductíble" "You gíve a pompous party Pretentíous wíth your booze" "They break up all your furníture Well. what've you got to lose?" "Crazy world" "Crazy tímes" "Love that world" "What's the dífference If nothíng rhymes?" "It's uproaríous" "But ít's gloríous" "If you're the boss Then you can toss ít off" "As loss or gaín" "CHORUS:" "Why complaín?" "[MOUTHING] Deductíble" "[SINGING] We're all ínterested ín redemptíons" "How do you get Your maxímum exemptíons?" ""The dependent must be one of the followíng:" "Grandson. granddaughter." "great-grandson. great-granddaughter" "Father. mother. síster. brother Half síster. half brother" "Grandfather. grandmother Nephew. níece. uncle. aunt" "Father-ín-law. mother-ín-law Daughter-ín-law. brother-ín-law" "Stepson. stepdaughter. stepfather Stepmother. stepbrother. stepsíster"" "I'm tellíng you. míster" " They're deductíble" " Deductíble" " They're deductíble" " Deductíble" "A Texan drílls an oíl well The oíl well don't produce" "The Texan doesn't worry 'Cause he's got a good excuse" " It's deductíble" " Deductíble" " It's deductíble" " Deductíble" "Producer gets an angel Producer gets a flop" "The angel doesn't worry 'Cause the flop comes off the top" "Crazy world" "Crazy tímes" "Love that world" "What's the dífference If nothíng rhymes" "Hey. ít's írratíonal" "But ít's natíonal" "If you decíde to take that ríde" " And be a bríde and groom" " Added room" "Deductíble Includíng offspríng" " Elízabeth Ann and Betty Lou" " Olíver Dan." "Penelope Sue" "Jímmy." "Johnny." "Daísy." "Harry Randy." "Ronny." "Maízíe." "Mary" "Have all you want" " They're deductíble" " They're deductíble" "ANNOUNCER:" "The perfect beauty cream..." "MAN:" "Gee, Jack, that's wonderful." "JACK:" "Thanks." " Say, Jack, that's swell." " Thank you." "WALTER:" "Hey, wait a minute, you two." " When's the party?" " What party?" "You don't have kids without a clambake." " Dancing girls..." " Be quiet." "You just need an excuse." "It's wonderful." "I'm tickled to death." "Thanks, Janet." "I'm excited myself." "Welcome, brother." "I knew you could do it." "It's nothing." "Like rolling off a log." "All you gotta do now is learn to knit." " Congratulations." " Thanks, Bill." " Thanks." "Good night." " Wonderful." "Good night." " Well, goodbye." " Jack..." "Can't you see they have to talk?" "Leave them." "Don't kid me." "If what she said is on the level, they've already been alone." "Are you really pleased?" "After all the time and effort I put into this project?" "How do you think Mr. Milton's gonna take it?" "He'll be jealous, as usual." "He'll wonder why we didn't consult him." "He'll have to know sooner or later." "Yeah, there's no way out." "Let's break it to him together." " Hello, Mr. Milton." "JACK:" "Hi, Milt." "Hello, sweetheart, how's my boy?" " How's my boy?" " How do you think we ought to break it to him?" "With the birds and bees?" "No, no, straight from the shoulder, man to man." "Milt." "How would you like a nice baby brother, all human?" " Or maybe a little sister?" " Oh, heaven forbid." "Somebody to play with while we work?" "Somebody you can teach to stand on his hind legs, chase balls chew up a few pairs of argyle socks or a cashmere sweater or two." "KITTY:" "Oh, I was afraid of that." " Come here, baby." " Come on, Milt." "[JACK WHISTLES]" " Mr. Milty." " Milty." "Well, he'll just gonna have to get used to it." "Come on, let's go eat." "I've got the strangest craving for food." "Not for something exotic like a great big dill pickle?" "Yeah, come to think of it, something like a dill pickle." "Oh, really." "KITTY [SINGING]:" "Just you and )ust me" "And baby makes three" "[PIANO PLAYING]" "Quiet, everyone." "Quiet." "Quiet, please." "Will you sit down, ladies?" " What are you gonna do?" " You'll find out." "Quiet, please." "[PIANO STOPS]" "Ladies and gentlemen, we have with us tonight a man, a very modest man." "While the world blasts its head off about its scientific miracles here sits a man a man who has just performed the greatest miracle in the world." "ALL:" "Hear, hear!" "[PIANO PLAYING]" "Take a look at him, ladies." "Take a very good look." "He's a study by Whistler." "And I'll bet he can cook." "[GUESTS LAUGHING]" "[SINGING] What a man. what a man" "About to gíve the world hís best" "What a man What a man" "From now on there'll be no rest" "He expects to carry on The famíly name" "Put a líttle geníus In the Hall of Fame" "It was hard to make hím confess" "That thís míracle occurred Under stress" "Now hís fríends are goíng wíld" "He's about to be a father wíth chíld" "What a man. what a man What a man" "What a wonderful. wonderful man What a man" "[GUESTS LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]" " It's late." " The evening's just begun." " It's getting late." "Good night, Walter." " I don't wanna go home yet." " This is no time to go." " That's a good boy." "Come on." "Hey, what is this?" "Say, Janet, what's the idea of everybody wanting to go home?" "It's after 2:00, dear." "It sounds strange, but some people like to go to bed." "What for?" "I'm having fun." "You just sit down and wait." " Stay right there." "Now, don't go away." " Let me help you." " Walter's wonderful." " Except when he's having a party." "It was such fun." "When will we see you?" "Come up to the country." "Now that we got the farm, I can't get Walter out." "The children are worse." "Come on, gang, you can't leave yet." "We gotta do another chorus, anyway." "Hey, fellas, look." "This way." "[MEN IMITATING BAGPIPES]" "[PIANO PLAYING]" "WALTER [IN SCOTTISH ACCENT]:" "What a man. what a man" " He can hold hís head up hígh" " Jack, Walter." "What a man. what a man" "See hím comíng through the rye From the rockbound coast of Maíne" " To Kokomo" " Kokomo" "They're applaudíng thís here Gíant of a schmo" "Now the píper's got to be paíd" "Every day there'll be A few changes made" "Better save those safety píns" "It could be a set of tríplets or twíns" "What a man. what a man What a man" "What a wonderful. wonderful man" "This can go on all night." "I've had my hat and cape on for half an hour." "My husband never knows when to go." "I really could brain Walter." "[ALL IMITATING BAGPIPES]" "It's the greatest feat Sínce the Pílgríms landed" "[IN NORMAL VOICE] But you dídn't do ít síngle-handed" "May your troubles all be Líttle ones to share" "Gíve them tíme. gíve them room Gíve them aír" "What a man What a woman" "What a paír" "Be gentle with me, I've just become a father of triplets." "Jack, it's 3:" "OO in the morning." "You can't tell when these things will happen." "I never knew it was gonna be so much fun having babies." "I like this one the best." "You know why?" " Why?" " It looks like me." "Besides, I think it's a girl." "May I have the keys, please?" " The keys?" " I'm driving." "Are you insinuating that I can't drive?" "Oh, of course not, dear." "It's just that your hands are full." " I'll put the children in the back." " There you go." " Yeah." " Put this with them." " Well, thank you." " All right, now, the keys, please." "The doctor said it's bad for me not to have my own way." "All right." "It's always been bad for you not to have your own way so what's smart about him?" " Get in." "JACK:" "Top of the morning." " The rest of the day to you, sir." "JACK:" "Thank you." " Wasn't planning on driving, now?" "JACK:" "No, I'm not allowed to drive." "I'm gonna become a father." "KITTY:" "We're being careful with him, officer." " Good night." " Good night." "JACK:" "Good night." "[HORNS HONKING AND TIRES SCREECHING]" "I don't know how we got here, but we're over the Hudson River." "[CROWD CHATTERING]" "OFFICER:" "What happened?" " Get me an ambulance, quick." "OFFICER:" "All right, stand aside." "Out of the way, please." "Lady's slipper, Cyprípedí_m." "They're very rare, very beautiful." "I grow them myself in my own backyard over in Beekman Place, by the river." "They help to keep your mind off a lot of things." "There's nothing like a hobby." "I used to read a great deal but somehow the state of modern literature and the modern world..." "Oh, a few old friends like Dickens, they still amuse me." "But the..." " Does Jack know?" " That you lost your baby?" "That I can never have another one." "That in all probability you can never have another one." "I'm not God." "I haven't the last word in these matters." "He wanted a baby so badly." "A son." "I felt so good, so right these last few months." "It wasn't just an idea anymore." "Even if it wasn't born, it was a baby." "Your husband's outside." "He's been pretty worried about you." "Shall I go along and tell him that you're all right?" "You are all right, aren't you?" " Yes." "Yes, I'm all right." " That's the way to talk." "Now, if you can just manage a little smile." "Good." "I'll drop in and see you later in the afternoon." "Oh, I'll take one of these, if you don't mind." "JACK:" "May I come in?" " Hi." " Hi." "Hey, you got a lot of new ones." "Maybe I ought to open up a flower shop." " Aren't they beautiful?" " Yeah." "I told the nurse to put some of them in the chapel." "There's so many of them." " How's it going?" " Fine." "That's what the doctor said." "You ought to be out of here in three or four days." "I've been thinking." "Maybe we ought to take a little trip, you and I." "Get on a boat, go somewhere, have a little fun." " Unless, of course..." " Unless what?" "It's nothing." "I probably shouldn't bring it up now, but I saw Mr. Carroll..." " Our sponsor?" " Yeah." "A funny thing, that's all he ever was to me." "Just a sponsor." "It never occurred to me he was a human being." "He's been over here twice to see how you are." "I know." "He sent some lovely flowers." "Those." "Pretty." "You know he's got a wife and a couple of sons?" " Oh, really?" " He said he had a program for us." "I didn't go into it because I didn't know how you'd feel." " It's television." " Television." " Say, this isn't tiring you, is it?" " Oh, no." "I told him we'd think about it later." "How soon could we start?" "Any time, I suppose." "I don't want you to think about it yet." "It's just something we'll keep in mind." "I'd like to do it as quickly as we can." "It takes time to put a program like this together." "Now that Janet and Walter bought that farm, he's writing a book." " They'd come back if we asked them to." " Oh, I don't know." "They seem pretty determined, last time we spoke." "They swore they were through writing scripts." "There's no harm in asking, is there?" "No, I suppose not, not if you really want to." "Oh, I do." "I do." "There's nothing like having something to take your mind off things." " At least this is new and different." " Maybe you're right." "Because in television, except for a few people like Milton Berle and Ed Witt why, the thing's wide open." "We can move right in, you and I." "We'll make this our baby, and then..." "I'm sorry." "I didn't mean to say that." "It just slipped out." "It's all right." "We mustn't be afraid to talk about it." "You've just had a haircut, haven't you?" "[ROOSTER CROWING]" "[HORN HONKING]" "JACK:" "Walter." "Janet." "Anybody home?" "KITTY:" "That's funny." "They knew we were coming." "There's always things to do on a farm, you know." "Milk the cows, feed the geese, shovel whatever..." "Oh, what about the bags?" "Oh, I'll get them later." "KITTY:" "My goodness, the house is haunted." "Look, ghosts." "CHILD:" "Boo!" " Oh!" "I forgot today is Halloween." " I'm scared to death, aren't you?" " We ought to run and hide?" "KITTY:" "No, they might try to follow us." "JACK:" "Yeah." "[SCREECHES]" "Run for your life, this place is alive with them." "[SHRIEKS]" "[CHILDREN YELLING AND SCREAMING]" "WALTER:" "Look who's here." "JANET:" "Hello, Kitty." "Well, that's the idea of what to expect when you come to the Pringles'." "Typically Pringle." "Bring them out with a laugh." "Who are these critters, goblins?" "Where are their faces?" "Children, take off your masks and let Mrs. Moran see you." "I don't think you've met them." " This is our Laura." "KITTY:" "Hello, Laura." " Hello, Mrs. Moran." "JANET:" "Henry, Priscilla, Jenny, Mark and..." " And this is Tony." "JACK:" "Oh, yeah." "They've been like wild Indians since they knew you were coming." " We like wild Indians." " I even married one." " I'll help you with your bags." " I'm in the country." "Here two minutes and he puts me to work." " Are you really Kitty?" " My word of honor." "My papa told me you were pretty." "Your papa is an old flatterer." "What else did he say?" "He said if we pretended to be right bright maybe you and Mr. Moran would sing after supper." " Oh, yes." " Would you like that or is that your papa's idea?" "We'd love it." "We heard you on the radio." "Children, wait a minute." "Mrs. Moran's just come into the house and she's our guest." "We want her to do what she wants." " Don't we, Henry?" " No, we want her to sing." "Yes, we want her to sing." "Well, anything that Tony wants, I want." "And what will I get if I promise to sing?" "A great big kiss?" "Will you get lipstick on me?" " Why?" "Don't you like lipstick?" " No." "All right, then." "I'll give you a butterfly kiss." " How's that?" " That tickles." "Run along, children, and leave Mrs. Moran alone." "[ALL CHATTERING]" "Janet, they're wonderful." "I'll show you where you'll sleep." " Straight up the stairs." " I'm crazy about your house." "It's lovely." "JANET:" "We like it." "The plumbing's a bit rustic." "But thaws easily." " Hey, Milton, come on, hurry up." " Come on, Milty." "JACK:" "See your new house." "[PIANO PLAYING]" "Ladies and gentlemen do you realize how this holiday came about?" "When it all started?" "Why it exists?" "Well, we're about to tell you." "It ain't no fairy tale, but it's grim." "JACK AND KITTY:" "Yak-yak-yak-yak-yak-yak." "[SINGING] Once _pon a tíme In the long. long ago" "Man's courage was hígh But hís spírít was low" "People grew tíred of all work and no play" "They felt the need of a )olly holíday" "Then along came Chrístmas Along came Easter" "Along came Fourth of July" "Then along came a man By the name of Berlín" "Who took every holíday That ever has been" " He wrote about Chrístmas" " He wrote about Easter" "He wrote about the Fourth of July" "Hís mínd was fertíle And hís pen was keen" "But he never wrote a word About Halloween" "Halloween Halloween" "Hot jack-o'- lantern It's Halloween" "Apples hangíng hígh" "There's a bíg pumpkín píe In the sky" " Chíldren síng. chíldren waltz" " Shh!" "Who gíves a darn If your face ís false?" "Jump on your broom líke a wítch" "Go and toss all your gloom ín the dítch" "Go out on the street For a tríck or a treat" "You're a cínch to stríke ít rích" "Halloween Halloween" "All other holídays Fall between" "The níght of All Hallows So líght up the tallow" "And make ít a bríght Halloween" "WALTER:" "Owls and _ats Howls from cats" "May scare the buttons Ríght off your spats" "We'll now go dramatíc Wíth ghosts from the attíc" "And make ít a bríght Halloween" "Halloween Halloween" "Watch out for the monsters On Halloween" "For goblíns are hobblín' And demons are screamín'" "So don't you get caught ín between" "On thís níght full of fríghtful Delíghtful old spooks" "It's Halloween" "[CHILDREN YELL]" "ALL:" "More, more." "More, more." "No, children." "Come on." "No, that's all tonight." "Off to bed, hurry up." "Let's go." "WALTER:" "Good night, sweetheart." "KITTY:" "Good night, darling." "Good night, pal." "Good night." "See you shortly." "Your daddy's pretty enough already, he doesn't need a beauty sleep." " Good night, Kitty." " Good night, Tony." "Would you give me a hug?" "[TONY YELLS]" " Oh!" "Did you say he was only 4?" " Chip off the old block." " Good night, Jack." " Good night, Tony." "How about a kiss?" " I don't kiss men." " You don't?" "Well, put her there, then." " Cigarette before you turn in, old man?" " I don't smoke." "Okay, off you go." " Remember, no radio." "TONY:" "Good night, Kitty." "WALTER:" "Lights out in two jerks of a pig's tail." "JANET:" "No talking and no giggling." " Good night, Kitty." "KITTY:" "Good night, honey." "WALTER:" "On your way." " Oh, Janet, they're really great children." " Thanks." " I'm so jealous I think I'll go." " You've both been sweet." " I think you made a conquest, Kitty." " Tony?" "He's my type, all right." "What's the idea of that cigarette business?" "Well, I'm trying to teach them..." "What am I trying to teach them, Janet?" "I don't know, dear, but it's something useful, I'm sure." "Walter, he's certainly your son." "Of all the charmers." "He looks like you too." " You really think so?" " The spitting image." "Fortunately, those children look just like their mother." "That's funny, because two of them aren't ours, you know." "KITTY:" "What?" " I thought you knew that." " Laura and Tony are adopted." " No." "This is the first I ever heard of it." "It isn't something you talk about." "I didn't even think about it myself." "As far as I'm concerned, there's absolutely no difference." "But when did you do it?" "I mean, why?" "Because for the first three years of our marriage, there was no sign of a family." "I was afraid I was gonna become one of those frustrated women." "So out of desperation, we decided to adopt one." "Then, brother." "One, two, three in a row." "I was afraid to shake hands with her." "I guess it was because I stopped worrying." "But you said Tony too." "JANET:" "His mother and father died in an accident." "He wasn't quite 3 months old when we got him." "I thought it might be a good idea if you would consider..." "Where did you get them?" "JANET:" "Through the Sarah Wilson Foundation." "I'll give you the address in case you ever want..." " Well, I bows to you." " And nods accordingly." "Likewise." "The reason we came out here was to try and talk you two into doing a television show." "That right, Kitty?" "What?" "Oh, yes." "Why, you inconsiderate city-bred fella, you." "Do you think I'd give up my book, leave this farm for that?" " Unless, of course, it pays money." " Unless, of course, it pays money." " Oh, only a few thousand a week." " A mere pittance." " Real money?" "JACK:" "Oh, yes." " Exchangeable in any bar in America." "WALTER:" "Well, let's drink it over." " Well..." " We might as well go in and look." "Is there any law that says we have to take one we don't like?" "Oh, I think you can at least pick and choose." "What do we have to lose?" " Is it a boy?" " You bet he is." " Oh, he's beautiful." " Thank you." "Come on, honey." "Have you ever applied for a child in any other home or agency?" " No." " Who sent you to us?" "Mr. and Mrs. Pringle, Walter Pringle." "Oh, yes, of course, Mr. and Mrs. Pringle." "You'll want to use them for one of your references." " One?" " You'll need at least three." "Father's occupation?" "We're Kitty and Jack Moran." "Remember?" "Oh, yes, of course, how dull of me." "Jack and Kitty Moran." "I still don't seem to place you." "What do you do?" "We've been on the radio." "Now we're going into television." "Oh-oh." "What does that mean, "Oh-oh"?" "Oh, there's nothing to worry about, really." "It's just that we've had two or three rather unfortunate experiences with people from the stage, and Mrs. Johnston..." "That's she there on the wall." "... Sarah Wilson was her mother." "Well, she's a wonderful woman, but..." "She doesn't think that actors are parent material, is that it?" "Oh, there's no set rule." "It all depends on the individual and the kind of program that you do." "We have a comedy program." "Yes, and we've also been known to sing and dance." "Oh, I suppose I should be ashamed to admit it but I never listen to programs like that." "Squeaking doors, murder, that's the kind of thing I like." "Just last night, I was listening to this program." "There was a detective, he was on a case oh, I forget what it was, but, oh, it was thrilling." "I don't know how they ever think up all those things, do you?" "It's one of the mysteries of the ages." "Would it be possible to see the babies and give you an idea of what we'd like?" "Oh, but there aren't any babies available at the moment, Mrs. Moran." "It may take weeks, months." "I've known some couples who have had to wait as much as a year." " A year?" " Well, you should see our waiting list." "Our trained workers have to make a thorough investigation of you first." "Of your character, your home, your general reliability." "Oh, yes, before we're through, we'll know all about you, Mr. Moran." "But don't worry." "I hope everything's gonna turn out just the way you want it." "JACK:" "Sure." "Well, thank you." "If anything turns up, we'll let you know." "In the meanwhile, I'm certainly going to be watching for your program." "Then we ought to throw in a few squeaky doors first." "That's all right, Mr. Moran, I suppose I deserved that." " Goodbye." " Goodbye, Miss Gilbert." " Thank you." " Oh, not at all." " Goodbye." " Yes, thank you." " It's been nice seeing you." " Thank you." "Do you realize what that woman said about us?" "Yes." "I should have married a truck driver." "What's wrong with actors?" "I'd make a wonderful father." " I'll go back and tell her a thing or two..." " Jack, wait a minute." " We want the baby, don't we?" " Well, sure we do." " Why do they make those cracks?" " Come on." "What's wrong with theatrical people?" "I pay my taxes." "Let them investigate me." "When they wanna run a benefit, the first people they call are actors." "They don't ask a truck driver to drive for nothing." "All an actor's got is his talent." "He gives it for nothing." "Next benefit, put a truck driver on." " See how much they raise." " Jack, you're attracting a crowd." "Shows I can do business any place." " Hey, bud." " What?" "What's wrong with truck drivers?" "Oh, nothing." "I think they're charming." "Come on." "[CROWD LAUGHING]" "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen." "We go on in exactly one minute." "Now, I wanna show you a signal that we use here." "When I go like this, I want you all to applaud." " Now, let's try it once and make it big." " If we're 30 seconds over at the number three spot, give me a speed-up." "[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]" "TECHNICIAN:" "Five seconds." "Four, three, two, one." "Go." "[ORCHESTRA PLAYING]" "ANNOUNCER:" "The Cosmo Cosmetícs Show." "CHORUS [SINGING]:" "Cosmo" "It isn't carbonated." "Cosmo" "It isn't alkaline." "Cosmo" "But it's smooth as silk." "[SINGING] Cosmo Cosmetícs are fresh and new" "Cosmo Cosmetícs are good for you" "Our lotíons and our beauty creams Have really hít New York" "So get yourself a jar of ít And loosen up the cork" "It blends wíth all your clothes" "It keeps you on your toes" "Wíth Cosmo Cosmetícs From foot to head" "You wíll be lovely In or out of bed" "Mrs. Huntington Piffle I endorses it." "CHORUS:" "Cosmo" "The Grand Duchess Gisella Von Graffengreed Il endorses it." "Cosmo" "And the Princess Ambrosia de Palmer House de Bourbon V endorses it." "Cosmo" "[CHIMING]" "I love a Mew Yorker" "Bold. breezy and bríght" "I love a Mew Yorker" "Who's out on the town every níght" "I found me a woman" "Cute kínd of a bean" "My kínd of a woman" "Who's out on the town to be seen" "From the Waldorf down to Broadway He's my príde and )oy" "And though I míght tíe A black or bríght tíe" "I'm )ust a whíte-tíe New Yorker boy" "Born. bred ín Manhattan" "Ríght kínd of a pal" "Hat from Bonwít Teller Shoes from Andrew Geller" "And I'm her only feller You can't oversell her" "She's a corker My New Yorker gal" "From the Waldorf down to Broadway He's the talk of Mew York" "[WHISTLES]" "Can't play canasta He never hasta" "He drínks a Shasta Down at the Stork" "Born. bred ín Manhattan" "We're rídíng ín hígh" " Hop and skíp together" " Stop and síp together" " Híp. híp. hooray together" " Gonna stay together" "He's a corker My New Yorker" "She's a corker My New Yorker gal" " He's my fella" " She's my gal" "CHORUS:" "I love a Mew Yorker" "Bold. breezy and bríght" "[CLOCK CHIMING]" "Hop and skíp together Stop and síp together" "Híp. híp hooray together Gonna stay together" "He's a corker" "My New Yorker guy" "My New Yorker gal" "[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]" " Fine, Kitty, Jack." " Oh, I'm melting." "JACK:" "You insist on overdressing." " Mrs. Moran?" "KITTY:" "Yes?" "I hate to bother you, but I can't work this zipper." "I can't work them myself." " But Jack's a wizard." " I should be." "I've had practice." " I don't want to bother him." " No bother." "It's a hobby of his." "Go and zip her." "I'll change." "This may be the beginning of a beautiful friendship." " If I'm not home for a few nights..." " I'll understand, dear." "Turn around, darling." "I think we better approach this thing scientifically." "Would you hold my coat?" "Oh, Mr. Moran, I feel so silly making you do this." "Not at all, Miss Adams." "This won't hurt a bit." "Just hold your breath, grin." "There you are." "Can I have my coat?" "Thank you." "GLORIA:" "Thank you, Mr. Moran." "JACK:" "Nothing at all." "Mrs. Moran, there are a couple of dames..." "Ladies who wanna come and see you." " No, I'm worn out." "Who are they?" " One of them is a Miss Gilbert." " Didn't get the other name." " Ask them to excuse me." " Say I broke a leg." " I'll take care of them." " But be nice to them." " Sure." "Leave it to me." "Tommy!" "Tommy, did you say Miss Gilbert?" " That's the name she gave me." " Show her in." "And be particularly nice to her." "This may be very important." "Yes." "Right away." "[KNOCKING]" "Come in." "Why, Miss Gilbert." " Hello, Mrs. Moran." " Hello." "I hope you don't mind us barging in." "Oh, no, I'm delighted to see you." " My friend, Miss Evers." " Hello, Miss Evers." " Hello." " Won't you come in?" " Thank you." " Please sit down." "Oh, he won't bite you." "Get off the couch, Mr. Milton." "Get down." "Oh, well, stay where you are." "Please excuse my costume." " I didn't have a chance to change." " It's all right." "Kitty, I was..." "Oh, excuse me." "You remember Miss Gilbert from the foundation." " Foundation?" " The Sarah Wilson Foundation." "Oh, yes, Miss Gilbert." "The squeaking door." " How are you?" " That's right." "I was afraid you'd forgotten, and I didn't wanna come until I had some good news for you and could kill two birds with one stone." "Good news?" "What news?" "Well, I think we may have a baby for you." "A baby?" "GILBERT:" "A fine boy." "JACK:" "No kidding?" " Do you hear my knees knocking?" " When can we get it?" "Almost any time now." "That is, as soon as Mrs. Johnston meets you." "The lady who had that objection to..." " Jack." " Well, what I meant to say was Mrs. Johnston is a lovely..." " You're not Mrs. Johnston?" " I'm Amelia Evers." "Oh, I'm glad to know that." "I don't know how to thank you." "I just don't know what to say." "Oh, that's all right, Mrs. Moran." "I think I understand." "I'm so glad for you both." "Goodbye, Mr. Moran." "Goodbye, Miss Gilbert, and if there's anything I can do, just let me know." " Do you really mean that?" " Sure." "Just name it." " Well, there is one thing you could do." " Oh, Irma, please." "It doesn't matter." " What is it?" " It's an autograph." "Would you like a picture of us together or separate?" "I told you not to ask that." "Mr. Moran won't mind." "It's just that my friend here is a great television fan." "She even looks at the wrestling and she's simply crazy about Milton Berle." " She is?" " Please, if it's the slightest bother..." "No bother at all." "I'll tell Milton next time I see him." "Thank you so much, Mr. Moran." "If you can't get his, yours would be just fine." " It will be." "Yeah." " Well, goodbye again." " Yes." " Goodbye, Miss Gilbert." "Be sure and call us as soon as you know." "Of course we will." "Goodbye." " Goodbye." " Bye, Miss Gilbert." "Jack, we've got a baby." "JACK:" "Congratulations, Mrs. Moran." "KITTY:" "Thank you, Mr. Moran." "[BABY CRYING]" "Here we are, here's the young man now." "Wouldn't you like to hold your baby, Mrs. Moran?" " Oh, yes, go on, hold him." " Oh, I'd love to." " Hi there." " I'll get my coat." "Isn't he beautiful?" "JACK:" "Too bad our name isn't Kablinski." "He'd make good backfield material for Notre Dame." " What's the matter?" " Are these the prospective parents?" "Oh, yes, Mrs. Johnston." "This is Mr. and Mrs. Moran." "JACK:" "How do you do, Mrs. Johnston?" " How do you do?" "Are you aware of the responsibility you're assuming?" "KITTY:" "Oh, yes, Mrs. Johnston, I think so." " Miss Gilbert tells me you're on a stage." "We were on the stage, Mrs. Johnston, but we're in television now." "She told you I don't approve of actors." "Well, we had heard some sort of rumor to that effect." "Oh, it's no rumor." "Actors are too undependable for me." "Every time you pick up a paper you read about one of them getting divorced." "Have you two ever been divorced?" "KITTY:" "No, not yet." " How long have you been married?" " Eight..." "Nine." " Nine years." "Nine." "JOHNSTON:" "To each other?" "BOTH:" "Yes." "I thought you already had us investigated." "I like to make my own investigations." "I'm sure you'll find that Mr. and Mrs. Moran have more than met our requirements, Mrs. Johnston." "I hope so." "You understand, of course, you're getting this baby only on probation?" "Probation?" "You mean that this still isn't our baby?" "A child can't be legally adopted in this state unless it's lived in the same home for a year." "We have the right to take it away any time we feel that it's not to the child's best advantage to stay where it is." " Now, where do you live?" " Central Park West." "JOHNSTON:" "Do you have your own automobile?" " Yes, and it's closed." " Leave it here." "I have my own chauffeur." "I don't trust myself or one of my babies to a strange driver." "Now, then, let's go." "I want to see what kind of a home you have." "Take the baby, nurse." " Oh, couldn't I keep him?" " I'll carry him for you." "It's all right." "I think she really likes you." " Well, I think..." " Jack." "Shh." "I was only going to say she'd make good Notre Dame material too." "What a stiff-arm." " Congratulations, Mrs. Moran." " Thanks, Joe." "Fine-looking whatever it is you got there, Mr. M." "A boy, you dummkopf." "Here you are." "[MUSIC PLAYING AND PEOPLE CHATTERING]" "Oh, it's this way, Mrs. Johnston." "Well, where's all that noise coming from?" "It sounds like it's coming from the end of the hall." "I hope this doesn't go on all the time." "It's usually quiet as a church around here." " Tell the management about it." " Yes, excuse me." "People like this have no business in a house where there's a baby." "Who are they?" " It's our apartment, Mrs. Johnston." " Your apartment?" "Selma must've left the radio on." " Yes." " That's our maid." "Well, open the door, Jack." "See what it is." "Won't you come in?" "WALTER:" "Here's somebody's..." "Come on." "GLORIA:" "No, I don't want any." "No, Walter." "WALTER:" "Just one more." "One drink." "Please, Walter!" "I don't want any." "No, no, no." "WALTER:" "She's drinking the whole thing." "Look, there's the baby." "Oh, how about that?" "How do you do, ma'am?" "Bring it in." "Bring the baby in." "WOMAN:" "The baby." "The baby." " How about it?" "Quiet, everybody." "Please, quiet." "This is Mrs. Johnston from the foundation and Miss Gilbert." "How do you do?" "You remember me, don't you?" "Won't you come in." "I'm sorry, Mrs. Johnston." "We didn't know anybody was going to be here." "You didn't think we'd let you bring the baby home to an empty house, did you?" "Get Mrs. Johnston and Miss Gilbert some champagne." "Oh, Walter." "Please." "Mrs. Johnston, these are some friends of ours." " They're on our show." "They just..." " Take the baby, nurse." " Oh, no." " I'm afraid you'll think I'm very mean." "But I have grave responsibilities in these matters." "I can't leave the baby with you in these circumstances." "Oh, no." "Please." "This won't happen again." "I promise you." "I'm sorry." "It's unfortunate, but I have my standards." "We may be old-fashioned, but we've clung to them for a good many years." " Janet." " Take the baby." "Walter." "Tell her how this happened." "Oh, Mrs. Johnston, I assure you that Mrs. Moran had no idea that..." "We wanted to show how tickled we were about the baby." "I understand, but I hardly think it was necessary to have a drunken party." "I'm sorry, Mrs. Moran." "[BABY CRYING]" "I'll talk to her, Mrs. Moran." "Maybe later." "Kitty, I feel like a dog." "I could cut my throat." "It's all right, Walter." "It's nobody's fault." "It just wasn't in the cards for us to have a baby, that's all." "We'll see that you get another baby, even if I have to steal one." "I think the kindest thing we can all do now is just to go home." "Goodbye, dear." " I'll call you in the morning." " I'm terribly sorry, Kitty." "Good night, Kitty." "WOMAN 1:" "Good night, Jack." "WOMAN 2:" "Terribly sorry, Kitty." "I'll see you tomorrow, Jack." "MAN 1:" "Sorry, Kitty." "MAN 2:" "Bye, Jack." "See you, Kitty." "Want a cigarette?" "I hurried as fast as I could, Miss Kitty." "I told them store folks I had to get home before that baby." "But you know how it is, everybody taking their time." "But I got what you said:" "bottles, diapers, four dozen of them talcum powder, Vaseline and bellyband." "Take that stuff out of here, Selma." "Get rid of it." "But, Mr. Jack, the baby's gonna need it." " There isn't going to be any baby." " Ain't going to be no baby?" "No." "Go on." "Get it out of here." "Burn it." "Give it away, anything." "Just get it out of here." "And take the rest of this junk with you." "[ORCHESTRA PLAYING ON TV]" "[PIANO PLAYING]" "Wait a minute." "Aren't you kids gonna finish on center stage?" " How can we if we slide to the left?" " Wait, watch this." "Gloria." "Take the last four bars of it." "Oh, I know that." "We did it once." "Come on, Gloria, I'll do it." "Johnny, hit it." "Oh, excuse me, darling." "Oh!" "I called him darling." " It's all right." "Call him anything." "GLORIA:" "May I really?" "Sure." "You ought to hear what I call him." " Try it again." " Ready, darling?" "Yeah." "Johnny, go ahead." "Hit it one." "Hey, Jack, Kitty." "Listen." " Break it up, bub." " Oh, Walter, we're busy." "WALTER:" "Quiet, or I'll write you right out." " I wanna tell you something." " What?" "Listen, I've got some great news for you." " Hope this isn't another sure thing..." " Hey, wait a minute." "It's okay." "I've got a baby for you." " What baby?" " There's a girl who worked for us." " She the mama?" "Where's the father?" " Sure." " Vamoosed." " Where is she now?" "With some relatives down near Trenton, New Jersey." "I've talked to them." "You can have it." "For a consideration." " Why get rid of her?" " Can't afford it." " I told you I'd make it up to you." " But is that legal?" "Legal, illegal, who cares?" "You want a baby, don't you?" " No." " What?" "After all the talk about the..." "I appreciate what you're trying to do for us, but I'm not going through it again." "I feel the same way about it." "Come on, let's rehearse." " This number's a little ragged." " I'll be along in a minute." "I'm sorry, Walter." "Well, that's okay." "I was just wondering what's gonna happen to the poor kid." "[PIANO PLAYING NEARBY]" "What is it, a boy or a girl?" " Well, that's just the trouble." "It's a girl." " What's wrong with girls?" "Well, you know how people feel about girls." "Probably the best thing to go on out and drown it." " Drown it?" " Well, they drown kittens all the time." "I don't think that's very funny, Walter." "Neither do I. Well, I guess I'd better call Janet." "Maybe I can talk her into taking the baby ourselves." " How old is it, Walter?" " What, the baby?" "Oh, about 7 months." " Cute?" " If you don't mind blonds." "Hello, Janet?" "When can we see her?" "Tonight?" "Is it raining there?" "No, it's not raining here either." "Okay, I just wanted to know." "Bye." "Oh, Walter." "[JACK CLEARS THROAT]" " Do the Morans live around here?" " Hey." "Come on in." " I was eloping with your wife." " That's a right novel approach." "First he offers a baby, then to marry her." "Jack, we've decided to take her." "I never doubted it for a moment." "Wait here." "I'll see what the situation is." " All right." " Be back in an hour or two." "In a what?" "[MUSIC PLAYING ON JUKEBOX]" " Good evening." "PROPRIETOR:" "Good evening." " Table?" " No, thanks." "I wanted to ask if there was a filling station around here." " Right down the road about a half a mile." " Oh, thank you." "They're outside." " How many?" " Just the two of them." "Bring them around the back way." "Okay." " Susan?" " Yes, sir?" " Table three wants the check." " Yes, sir." "I'll be back in a few minutes." "SUSAN:" "Right." "WALTER:" "Down somewhere here at the end." "There it is." "I feel like a kidnapper, sneaking in the back way like this." "It's okay." "They just don't want to cause a lot of talk." "Oh, these are the people I told you about, Mr. and Mrs. Moran." " Hello." " Come in." "Just in here." " This is Mr. Tuttle." "He's our lawyer." " How do you do." " And this is my wife." " Pleased to meet you." "I have the papers all made out." "All you have to do is to sign them." " Could we see the baby first?" " Sure." "I'll get her." " Is the mother here?" " She works nights." "It's better for everybody not to see the mother." "JACK:" "Does she know who's taking the child?" "She knows it will be taken care of." "That's all she's worrying about." " Do they understand my fee?" " I have the money right here." "We're not going to get into trouble, are we?" "I've already explained to you, there's absolutely nothing to worry about." "This lady and gentleman are going to give the baby a fine home." "Which is more than you or the mother can do." " And if you want to avoid any talk..." " No." "No, I don't want any talk." "TUTTLE:" "Well, then, don't upset yourself." "Is this the full amount?" "Wait." "I don't like it." "I don't like it at all." "I feel guilty, as if we were committing some sort of crime." " Come on, Walter, Jack, let's go, huh?" " Come on." "Here she is." "We've decided not to take her." "PROPRIETOR:" "Not take her?" "What's been going on in here?" "JACK:" "Nothing." "We just changed our minds, that's all." " Listen, if you said anything..." " I haven't said anything." "Take it easy." "If they don't want the baby, they don't want it." " It's all right, Kitty." "Let's go." " Wait a minute." " May I hold her a minute?" " Sure." "Kitty, come here." "Take at look at her." "Kind of cute." "Look at those little hands." "Look like she just got a manicure." "And those cheeks." "We'd have to start her out on a diet." "Let me hold her." "KITTY:" "There we are." "All done." "All done now, honey." "Okay." "Well, come on." "Come on." "Oh, it's getting to be such a big girl such a big girl, such a big girl." "Oh, I got lipstick all over you." "Look at that face." "[SINGING] Ba_y face You've got the cutest líttle baby..." "Look at the baby." "See the pretty baby?" "See?" "See the pretty baby?" "Let's brush your hair now." "There." "Look at that thing." "See?" " It's getting late." " I'm all ready except my coat and hat." " How's Her Highness?" " Oh, she's wonderful." " Say, "Hi, Daddy. "" " Want a bite?" "Oh, stop." "I'll bet Mr. Milton will like it." "Watch this new trick." "Hey, Milt." "Catch, now." " What's the matter with him?" " Milton?" "He's pouting." "I think he's jealous." "I'll take him to the park and introduce him to some lady dogs to get his mind off his troubles." "Ah, Mrs. Bates." "Ravishing as ever." " What are you doing, Mrs. Moran?" " Playing with the baby." "Well, put her down, please." " Oh, I'm not hurting her." " You know the rules." " Was that dog in here again?" " For a little while." "I've told you repeatedly to keep him out." "I don't like dogs around babies." "He wasn't anywhere near her." " Also, you haven't your mask on." " I forgot it." "You don't consider germs a danger to your child?" "I said, I forgot it." " I see you've changed her too." " She was wet." "BATES:" "Well, of course, you're her mother." "If you wanna spoil her..." "And I think she's hungry." "She was crying." "Her next feeding's in half an hour." "My mother had seven children." "When they were hungry, she fed them." " Times have changed." " Mothers haven't." "Do you want your child to grow up to be a useless, selfish individual?" " Spoiled and..." " A little love never spoiled anybody." "I might as well not have a baby." "I can't touch her I can't feed her, I can't kiss her, I can't change her." "Before long, I won't even be able to look at her." "We've been all through this before, Mrs. Moran and obviously you and I don't see eye to eye." "We certainly don't." "Better step on it." "It's getting late." " What's the matter with you?" " Oh, that woman." " Again?" "SELMA:" "Is it all right for me to go now?" " Yes, of course." " Oh, thank you." "Good night, Mr. Jack." " Where are you going all dressed up?" " You forgot, Mr. Jack?" "This is my birthday." "I'm going to a party." " Well, congratulations." "How old are you?" " Thirty-nine." " You too?" " Yes, sir." "Wait a minute." " You're fired." " What?" "You heard me, you're fired." "I've had about all I can stand." "Now, get your things and leave right now." " Oh, very well, I shall." " Good." " To the showers, Butch." " My check, please?" "I'll send you your check in the morning." "Just go." " I was only trying to do my duty." " Get out." "Don't be hard on her." "Maybe she's good to her mother." "She never had a mother." "She's part of the rock left over from Grant's Tomb." "[BABY COOING]" "JACK:" "Well, come on, kiss Her Majesty good night, let's go." " Who's gonna stay with the baby?" " What a time to think of that." "I couldn't stand that woman one more minute." " I can catch Selma." " On her birthday?" " Well, how about a sitter?" " I wouldn't know who to call anyway." "I'll have to ask Mule Face to come back and stay until morning." "No, no, no, I wouldn't ask her to do anything." " I'll stay with the baby." " You can't do that." " We've got a show to do." " Tell them I have a cold." "Gloria can take my place." "She knows the routines." "Gloria?" "Who wants Gloria?" "No, you've got to do it." "It's no great tragedy if I miss a broadcast." "Lots of people miss shows." " If you'd only kept your mouth shut." " Go and telephone Gloria." "She's been hoping I'd break a leg or something." "Go on." "All right, but I think you're taking an awful chance." "That Gloria's kind of sexy, you know." " I might fall for her." " Oh, go on." "[ORCHESTRA PLAYING]" "[GLORIA SINGING]" "[SINGING] _ín't no_ody gonna cross me Aín't nobody gonna boss me" "Anyone who tríes to toss me Won't be worth a díme" "I'm just televísíng Aín't nobody gonna come along" "And beat my tíme" "'Cause I líve hard. work hard" "And I love hard" "Got an eye just líke an eagle Got a nose )ust líke a beagle" "Got a man and he's míghty legal" "I won't gíve you no trouble" "Take my advíce. gal" "It won't be níce. gal. íf you try" "'Cause I líve hard Work hard" "And I love hard" "GLORIA:" "If you thínk all thís foolíshment Gets by me" "Come on and whíp your wíts Together. gal. and try me" "'Cause I líve hard" "Work hard" "And I love hard" "So. gal. get movíng down the track" "Can't stand no evíl 'Hínd my back" "Thís man must be the way he's been" "If we're to líve together" "Work together" " Love together" " Love together" "From here on ín" "[BABY COOING]" "[SINGING] Aín't nobody gonna cross you" "Aín't nobody gonna boss you" "Anyone who tríes to toss you" "Won't be worth a díme" "I'm )ust televísíng" "Aín't nobody gonna come along" "And beat your tíme" "Got an eye )ust líke an eagle" "Got a nose )ust líke a beagle" "You said it." "So don't you ask for trouble" "Take my advíce. gal" "It won't be níce. gal" "If you try" "'Cause I líve hard" "Work hard And I love hard" "If you thínk all your foolíshment Gets by me" "Come on and whíp your wíts Together. gal. and try me" "Hmph!" "'Cause aín't nobody gonna cross me" "Aín't nobody gonna boss me" "Anyone who tríes to toss me Won't be worth a díme" "I'm )ust televísíng" "Aín't nobody gonna come along" "And beat my tíme" "'Cause I líve hard" "I work hard" "And I love hard" "So. gal. get movíng Down the track" "Can't stand no evíl 'Hínd my back" "[HAND SMACKS AND GLORIA GASPS]" "My man must be the way" "He's been" "If we're to líve together" "Work together" "Love together" "Welcome back." "Daddy-o" "Hey." "Sleeping Beauty." "Look out, Milt." "KITTY:" "Oh, who is it?" " It's the milkman." "Who'd you expect?" "Four quarts and a pound of butter, dear." " Why are you sleeping out here?" " I'm scared of the dark." "How'd the show go?" " Well, didn't you see it?" " No, I was pretty busy with the baby." "She kept crying and she seemed restless." " How do you think it went?" " Not bad." "And Gloria?" "Well, she isn't you." "It's a good thing you said that." "Come on, let's hit the sack." "Jack, sit down a minute, huh?" "Would you mind very much if we didn't get another nurse right away?" "Well, you can't take care of a baby by yourself." " What do you know about them?" " Nothing, that's why I wanna try it." "It was so fun, being able to pick her up whenever I wanted to and change her whether she needed it or not, kiss her whenever I liked." "I'm a new woman." "I just can't wait for Mother's Day." " And the show?" " I think Gloria's amply demonstrated..." "Well, Mr. Carroll might think differently." "After all, he hired you and me, not Gloria." "You can fix it." "You're a genius, remember?" " You know what you need?" "A new nurse." " Just for a while?" "I'll give you a kiss." " Okay?" " You're a hussy." "Of course, you realize if you ever get the idea that Gloria's really as good as I am, I'll have to shoot you." "Good." "Kitty." "Walter, there's Kitty." "Kitty." "Kitty, wait a minute." "Janet." "Walter." "What in the world are you doing up here?" "We can't go to a nice, cheap dentist, we have to go to a Fifth Avenue dentist." "Look at the braces, Mrs. Moran." " Don't they look awful?" " They're not too bad." "Listen, _1500 so she can eat corn off the cob like a lady, and she complains." " You know it was your idea." " Look who's here." "JANET:" "Hello." "WALTER:" "Give your Uncle Walter a nice toothless grin, huh?" " Mother, isn't she darling?" " Isn't she adorable?" " Are you Kitty Moran?" " Yes." " See, I told you she was." " You sure have changed, then." "I saw you on television last night, and you had dark hair." "WALTER:" "Yes, well, she was wearing a toupee." "GIRL:" "He's kidding us." "She doesn't even look like Kitty Moran in the flesh." " Come on." " Well, wait a minute, Mary." " Well, heigh-ho, everybody." " The little dears." "Oh, it's a cruel world." "I'm off the air five weeks, and bingo." "You should go back to work." "And soon." "Without your legs to speak our lines..." " ... they don't sound so Noel Coward." " It's a thought." "I wish you would, Mrs. Moran." "I don't like that old Gloria Adams." " Laura." " Well, I don't, Mother." "She's so pushy." "She acts as if she's in love with Mr. Moran." "That'll do, Laura." "You said if Mr. Moran were your husband..." " Laura, be quiet." " I'm sorry." "Kind of warm for summer, isn't it?" "It's all right, I know what your mother means." "I tuned them in myself." "Whether or not, it's none of our business." "Come on, we gotta catch a bus." "There's a sale at Saks and I want to get Laura a coat." " Goodbye, dear." "KITTY:" "Bye, Laura." "Goodbye, pet." "You must come over and spill some beans for us sometimes." " Hi, Gloria." " Hi, Mac." " Hi." " Hi." "GLORIA:" "Ready?" "As soon as I get this rope around my neck." "If I lay my hands on who thought of these..." "GLORIA:" "I like you in bow ties." "They make you look so young." "Yeah?" "Well, I'll be an old man before I get this one on." "GLORIA:" "Let me help you." "I'll tie it." "I don't know where they go wrong." "This is as far as I get." " You look kind of cute today, huh?" " Oh, be still." "If your nose just turned up a little bitsy bit..." "Leave my nose alone." "I bet when you were little you played the best game of Post Office." "Jack." "You know a good French synonym for the word:" "Phew!" " Oh, darling." " What's the "oh" for?" "I feel like I've been waiting for this all my life." "I hate to keep a lady waiting." "MAN:" "Kitty." "KITTY:" "Hello, Joe." "MAN:" "You look great." "Where'd you get the coat?" "KITTY:" "Something I picked up in Bloomingdale's." " Hi, anybody home?" " Kitty, well, gee, I'm glad to see you." "Come on in." "Yes, let me take your coat off, huh?" "My, you do seem glad to see me." "Hi, Gloria." " I was just helping Jack with his tie." " How nice." " Me and bow ties." "I never..." " You're bleeding." " Did you cut yourself?" " No, where?" "Wait a minute, let me see." " Oh, it's only lipstick." " Lipstick." "Well, now, how..." "Excuse me." " How do you suppose it got there?" " I can't imagine." "A lovely shade." "What do you call it?" " Careless Lips." " Careless Lips." "What a charming name." " Is it yours?" "GLORIA:" "Yes." "JACK:" "Gloria." " It's no use, Jack." " She'll have to know sometime." " Know what?" "It's nothing." "Gloria and I were kidding..." "Please, Jack." "Kitty's grown up." "Certainly, I've been grown up for years." "Kitty..." " ..." "Jack and I are in love." " Madly?" "Oh, please, don't joke about it." "We've fought it, really we have." " It's no use." " I never said anything about love." "Where'd you get that idea?" "Don't interrupt, Jack." "I haven't heard gossip for weeks." " Go ahead, Gloria." " We've always known it in our hearts." "But we only admitted it today." "I never admitted anything." "How can you just make it up?" "There's no reason to get excited." "I'm not getting excited, Kitty." "Excuse me, Gloria." " I was explaining..." " Later." "Sit down, Gloria." "This is an interesting situation." " I'd prefer to stand." " Sit down!" " Don't fight." " Kitty, if you'll let me explain this thing to you..." "[KNOCKING]" "Come in." " Come in." " Come in." "I've got a couple of changes for..." "Kitty!" "KITTY:" "Hello, Walter." "I thought you'd be home wringing out diapers." "What brings you here?" " I've decided to come back to work." " To work?" "And about time, too, don't you think so, darling?" " Yes, Kitty." "What about the baby?" " Selma's with her." "Tell everybody I'll do this week's show." "We'll start rehearsing as soon as we get a little business finished." "Take your time, baby." "I wouldn't think of interfering with business." "See you around, Gloria." "Well, you run along, Walter, and we'll see you later." "Now, where were we, Gloria?" "Oh, yes, about you and Jack." "There's several ways a wife could look at a situation like this." " Sure you won't sit down?" " No, thank you." "For instance, I could shoot you both." "The unwritten law, but then, that's rather uncivilized, isn't it?" "If that's your attitude, I'm going." " Listen..." " Don't go." "This is getting interesting." " Let me say something." " Later." "This is a problem for Gloria and me." "I don't want to stand in the way of anyone's happiness." " We can arrange a nice, quiet divorce." " Divorce?" "You don't wanna commit bigamy." "How inconvenient it would be, two women." "To say nothing of the expense." "Can I get a word in edgewise?" "Why, certainly, dear, if you have a suggestion." "Yes, this whole thing is cockeyed." "Sure, I kissed her." "She's kind of a cute kid." " A little on the goofy side, but..." " Jack." " Now you've hurt her." " Well, I'm human." "Stop bragging, go on with your story." "What I mean is one kiss doesn't mean a guy wants to start paying alimony." "Especially the first time he gets caught." " What am I gonna do now?" " Well, I'll tell you." "In the future, keep your mind on your job and your hands off my husband." "Because you see, he's not a bit clever." "[GLORIA SOBBING]" "Well, shall we get ready to rehearse?" "What a life." "A guy can't even pinch a girl without hearing wedding bells." " Ow!" "That hurt." " I meant it to." "I'll probably have a mark on me as big as a hen's egg." "That'll give you an idea what'll happen the next time I catch you being human." "Rhinelander 73200." "Yes, Mrs. Moran will be on the program tonight." "Yes, sir." "We're pleased too." "Rhinelander 73200." "Who?" "Mrs. Moran?" "I'm sorry, she's on-stage." "What?" "Please don't speak so loudly, I can't understand you." "What is that about a baby?" "What?" "Yes, I'll tell her it's very important." "Mac, see if you can get this to Mrs. Moran right away." "Yeah, ma'am." "OPERATOR:" "Rhinelander 73200." "ANNOUNCER:" "Thís ís Channel 2." "WTVW." "Stay tuned for Kítty and Jack Moran..." " I've got a message for Mrs. Moran." " Too late." "They're on." "CHORUS [SINGING]:" "Cosmo" "[SINGING] Cosmo Cosmetícs present to you" "A takeoff on a musícal That's fresh and new" "Thís famous operetta Set the country on íts ears" "And we predíct ít's gonna run" "For years and years and years" "For those of you who haven't seen it but have heard that it's terrific we're going to take you to the Friendly Islands in the South Pacific." "And we know you'll find them very, very friendly." "CHORUS:" "We are ín the ísland" "On the Fríendly Islands" "[ORCHESTRA PLAYING]" "In the South Pacífíc" "No one ever hurríes when they walk" "No one ever worríes Wíth happy talk" " On the Fríendly Islands" " Fríendly Islands" " In the South Pacífíc" " South Pacífíc" "Just below Samoa East of Balí Balí" "Just a contínent or two" "From Schubert Alley" "On the Fríendly Islands" "Fríendly Island" "Mo one there ís fríendless" "Lífe )ust goes on" "Endlessly" "Lífe goes on and on" "Untíl lífe ítself ís gone" "No one ever goes away" "They )ust stay" "Stay, stay" "On the Fríendly Island" "Fríendly Island" "Mo one there ís fríendless" "Lífe )ust goes on" "Endlessly" "On the Fríendly Islands" "In the South Pacífíc" "No one ever hurríes when they walk" "No one ever worríes Wíth happy talk" "On the Fríendly Islands" "In the South Pacífíc" "How do you líke to look Into the eyes of a-danger" "Walkíng arm ín arm Wíth some enchanted stranger" "On the Fríendly Islands" "Mo one there ís fríendless" "Lífe )ust goes on endlessly" "How'd you líke to put some lífe In these Fríendly Islands?" "Maybe we could fínd a wífe In these Fríendly Islands" "We got the motíon We got the notíon" "We got devotíon Wíth plenty to spare" "We got the flowers And ívory towers" "And ídle hours So don't be a square" "Mo one ever hurríes" "When they walk" "Mo one ever worríes" "Wíth happy talk" "On the Fríendly" "Island" "Mo one there ís fríendless" "Lífe )ust goes on endlessly" "On the Fríendly Island" "On the Fríendly Island" "Lífe goes on and on" "And on and on" "[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]" "Mrs. Moran." " Mrs. Moran, Mr. Moran." " What?" "There was a call from your apartment." "The operator sounded excited." " Who was it?" "What'd they say?" " It was something about the baby." " The baby?" " Baby?" "Oh, Jack." "See if you can get Selma." "I'll change right away." "ANNOUNCER:... pro_dly presents Kítty and Jack Moran each week at thís hour...." "SELMA:" "I done my best, Miss Kitty." "KITTY:" "The baby." "SELMA:" "I done my best." "Ain't no use going in there." "The baby ain't there." "Ain't nobody there." "Where is she?" "Where is the baby?" " They come and taken her away." " Who?" "Who took her?" "Those folks that says the baby was theirs." "Oh, no." "Now, stop carrying on and tell us what happened." "Well, I was sitting here with the baby in my lap listening to the radio when the lady and two gentlemen come in." "And one of them said the baby was his and he want his flesh and blood back." "And the other one said he was a lawyer, and if I didn't give the baby back..." " ... they'd call the police." " No." "Oh, Miss Kitty, I tried to stop them." "I told them that nobody would touch that baby leastways you said so." "But they wouldn't pay me no mind." "They just took her right out of my arms." "They can't, Jack, they can't." "It's my baby." "Oh, Janet, they can't, they can't." "I want my baby." " I'm going to find my baby." "JACK:" "Kitty." "There must be some way." "There's no way I know of at the moment, Mrs. Moran." "Tomorrow we'll see what we can do, but you haven't a chance." "But the mother gave us the baby." "We paid all the expenses and she signed the papers." "I understand, but there's a definite procedure prescribed for adoption of children in this state." "They must come either through definitely established adoption homes or with the sanction of the courts." "You'll find that the courts bend backwards to return a child to its natural parents." "Well, I'm sorry we got you up so late." "We didn't know where to turn." "That's unimportant." "I'm just sorry I can't help." "Let's go, dear." "LAWYER:" "Good night." "KITTY:" "Good night." "LAWYER:" "Good night." "JACK:" "Good night." "Thank you." "[SOBBING]" "That's fine." "Thank you, Gladys." " If you need me, I'll be in the wings." " I'll holler." " Are you sure you're all right?" " I'll be all right, thank you." "[DOOR OPENS]" " Ready?" " In a minute." "[KNOCKING]" " Yes?" " Excuse me, Mr. Moran but a couple of ladies are here." " We can't see anyone until after." " This will take only a moment." "Why do you want to see us?" "I've had you on my conscience and I can't afford a bad conscience." "We'd rather not discuss it." "She only wants to say we have another baby for you, Mrs. Moran." " I'll do the talking, Miss Gilbert." " Sorry." " I brought along all the necessary papers." " We don't want another baby." " What's that?" "KITTY:" "We had a baby." "We loved it." "It's gone." "We can't substitute just any baby." "I know all about that." "I've kept my eye on you." "But you'll feel differently when you see this boy." "PAGE:" "Five minutes." "JACK:" "We'll be right there." " We appreciate your offer, but..." " I acted hastily when I took your baby." "I have no false pride about when I'm wrong." " Yes." "Well, thank you..." " Now, now, you're acting hastily." "That I can't permit." "I shan't leave until you sign these papers." "Here, you may use my pen." " Well, congratulations." " Oh, darling, such wonderful news." " I knew it would work out somehow." " Wait." "Let's not rush." " We haven't decided if we want this." " What do you mean?" " Got no choice." " It's delivered." " What?" " What?" "Delivered what?" "The baby, of course, what else?" "The father's run off." "Isn't that wonderful?" "I'm naming him as Father of the Year." "There'll be no slip-up this time, I guarantee it." "Our own lawyer talked to the mother." " Where is she?" "Where's the baby?" " With Selma, in the lap of luxury." "JANET:" "We wanted to bring her here, but..." " Darling, we've got her back." "Well, honey, it looks like we got two babies back." "Two?" "Come on, you two, we're waiting for you." "All right." "Just a second." "You better get dressed." "You haven't given your answer yet." "Do you want the baby?" "Oh, of course we do." "We want them both." "Thank you, Mrs. Johnston, Miss Gilbert, Janet..." " Is everybody going crazy around here?" " Walter." "Get dressed." "The rest of you go." "We've gotta do a show." "I'm sorry to rush you, but you know how it is." "Thank you, Walter." "Kitty?" " What's the matter, huh?" " I don't know." " My head feels funny." " I'll get you a glass of water." "No, I'll be all right." " Think I'd better get Gloria ready?" " No, not that, I'll be fine." " I'm just dizzy, that's all." " I guess it's just all this excitement, huh?" " Now, here, let me help you with that." " I'll make it, all right." "ANNOUNCER:" "Cosmo Cosmetícs presents Kítty and Jack Moran." "[AUDIENCE CHEERING]" "[ORCHESTRA PLAYING]" "[SINGING] Don't rock the boat. dear" "Keep our love afloat. dear" "Stríke that happy note. dear" "We're not lost at sea" "Keep our love steady" "Never hígh or heady" "Always keep ít ready" "The way ít ought to be" "Even though we're out ín deep water" "We must save the future For sons and daughters" "Don't rock the shíp. dear" "Here's a líttle típ. dear" "Make each tríp a píp. dear" "Just for the líkes of you and me" "Don't rock the tug. dear" "Love ís )ust a drug. dear" "All I need ís hug. dear" "We're not lost at sea" "Don't rock the scow. now" "Charm me off the bough. now" "Love ís here and now Wow" "The way ít ought to be" "Even though we're out ín deep water" "We must save the future For sons and daughters" "Don't rock the sloop. dear" "Don't be níncompoop. dear" "Lovers loop the loop. dear" "Just líke the líkes of you and me" "Don't rock the yacht. dear" "Don't you go to pot. dear" "Thís year ís a hot year" "We're not lost at sea" "Don't rock the launch. dear" "Keep your morals staunch. dear" "Gírdle up your paunch. dear" "The way ít ought to be" "Even though we're out ín deep water" "We must save the future For sons and daughters" "Don't rock the smack." "Jack" "Don't you turn your back." "Jack" "You're my Cracker Jack." "Jack" "Just líke the líkes of you and me" " Don't rock the yawl. dear" " Boíng" " Wíth that Southern drawl. dear" " Boíng" " Let's not have a brawl. dear" " Boíng" "We're not lost at sea" "[KITTY YODELING]" " Don't rock the hulk. dear" " Don't rock the hulk. dear" " Why sít here and sulk. dear" " Why sít here and sulk. dear" " Take me ín the bulk. dear" " Take me ín the bulk. dear" " The way ít ought to be" " The way ít ought to be" "Even though we're out ín deep water" "We must save the future For sons and daughters" "Don't rock the boat. dear" "Keep our love afloat. dear" "Stríke that happy note. dear" " What's wrong with her?" " I don't know." "Something's up." " Do you think she's all right?" " I don't know." "I don't know." "[BOTH GASP]" "Just for the líkes of you and me" "[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]" " Kitty, are you all right?" " I'm worried about you." "It was the excitement..." " Kitty, are you all right?" "JANET:" "Get the doctor." "Will you make some room for her?" "Get out of the way for a second." " Doctor." " Doc, how is she?" "Fine, fine, she's fine." "There's nothing really wrong with her?" "Nothing, except she's going to have a baby." " She's gonna have a what?" " About Christmas, I'd say." "Doc, she can't have a baby." "Dr. Graham told me..." "Well, maybe she can't, but she is." " Oh, me." "Three." " And one match." " Doc, can I go in now?" " Certainly." "Go right on in." " Oh, thank you." " Yes." "Honey, do you know what that crazy doctor out there was trying to tell me?" "It's all right." "They're deductible." "KITTY [SINGING]:" "And baby makes three" "CHORUS [SINGING]:" "We're happy ín my" "Blue heaven"