"What colour was it, Gran?" "What colour was what, dear?" "The mobility scooter." "And I need to know where you left it." "Oh, don't tell them dear." "They might steal it." "Call the police." "This is the police!" "Oh." "Flash-flash, snap-snap, kiss-kiss." "Another London fashion week over!" "A foot spa beckons." ""Whose shows are you going to, Patsy?"" ""Patsy, darling," flash, flash, flash." ""Are you going to New York, next week, Patsy?" Flash-flash." ""Boys, boys." ""Give the models a chance." "Point your cameras at the catwalk!"" "(CHUCKLING)" "Hello, Mrs M. We've been to the shows." "Oh, was it winter?" "No, spring." "Oh, have we had winter?" "Last summer." "I think I'm out of the loop." "I feel like I've walked the marathon." "You haven't, though." "No." "Where's Mum?" "EDINA:" "Ramp!" "BUBBLE:" "Ramp!" "Ramp!" "EDINA:" "Ramp!" "Ramp!" "(SCREAMING)" "(THUDDING)" "(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)" "It's so hard actually sketching the models when they were moving along the runway." "(SCOFFS)" "My hand kept falling off the page." "You got through nearly six pencils." "Good heavens!" "Now, girls, let's see what we've actually got before I set off for the big, uh, Big Apple, the Big..." "The Giant Apple, the big fruit the, um, you know, the city that only sleeps twice," "New York." "(TALKING INDISTINCTLY)" "I didn't know it was her shopper-hopper, darling!" "Anyway, it wasn't up to much, was it?" "Might as well bloody well walk." "I know." "Maybe you were hampered by the lock on the back wheel." "Eddy, darling, we need some drink here." "All right darling, champagne?" "We've only got one bottle left, darling." "You know something, darling?" "(CHUCKLING) Fashion week was a war zone." "Oh!" "Life-threatening crowd situations, rushing from show to show, barely clinging to the last shred" "of one's own personal glamour." "Yes!" "Back stage parties, land mined with bitch editors" "and Donatella bloody Versace." "Wouldn't want to step on her." "She'd take your leg off." "Oh, yeah." "God, tanned like an old kipper now, isn't she?" "SAFFY:" "Do you think?" "Yes, dear." "Honestly, darling, I think even looking at her can seriously damage your health." "(CHUCKLING)" "It is so lovely to have everything back to normal" "after that terrible thing last year." "Yeah." "Yes. 7/11." "What?" "You know, darling, the... 24/7." "7/11!" "9/11!" "9/11!" "I knew that!" "Well, let's drink to a world that's changed for the better!" "Yes!" "People like you make me realise it hasn't." "You still think it's of global importance that someone has reinvented Hispanic Baroque and applied it to a shoe!" "Gosh, have they?" "A shoe?" "We must get one for Jeremy's!" "Yes." "Eddy, the girls might like some nibbles." "What's Jeremy's?" "Hmm." "It's a new concept fashion store, darling." "Patsy's not with the magazine any more." "No, she's, um," "she's a buyer." "No, Eddy, Eddy." "I'm the executive creative director, chief buyer and lifestyle co-ordinator." "Yeah, it's a huge responsibility." "I'm very important." "I decide the direction, the adjacencies, the brand mix, the now, the gorgeous, the wham, the bam, the floosh the bloosh, the new noire." "Just decisions, decisions, decisions." "I say what goes in the store!" "And what will that be, darling?" "Oh, very little." "Very little." "No, a few items that very few can afford." "I have done the customers' shopping for them." "Yeah." "Who is the customer?" "Rich bitches whose faces have been pulled so tight" "they can't see what they're buying." "Excellent." "EDINA:" "It's fabulous, darling." "And we are her team." "Yes." "Go, Jeremy!" "Go, go, go, go, go, go!" "Right, we'll be off, then!" "Ooh!" "Have a lovely time in NY!" "Where's Bubble?" "Did Bubble come down here, darling?" "Where is she?" "Where is..." "Bubble, come down here and do your job!" "How can she still have a job when you don't?" "Because, darling, I'm retraining her as my PA." "Come on, assistant, assist." "But I don't understand." "It's very simple." "You are a PA." "I tell you what I have to do, and then you tell me what I have to do back." "All right?" "But I'm scared!" "Oh, stop it!" "Get off, get off, get off, get off me, get off me!" "Go and ask Patsy if she wants another drink." "Eddy, I'm trying to work." "Go on, dear." "Go on." "Oh, eh, ah, oh..." "Darling, darling, darling..." "Shh." "Eddy, what's she saying?" "What's she saying?" "She's going to ask you if you want another drink." "(SQUEALS)" "You just tell her and she'll get back to me." "Get back here, get back here!" "(BUZZING)" "Come by, come by, come by, come by!" "You can only train with pain." "EDINA:" "Now, stay!" "Come on, stay there." "I'll have a bottle but I'll have it in my room." "I'm going to pack, Eddy." "Darling, don't forget New York." "I know New York." "Have you got a bag I can borrow?" "Put it on a sticky." "Put everything on a sticky." "There's just..." "Cheers, thanks a lot." "What's that for?" "Toiletries." "What is that back there, darling?" "What is Patsy's room?" "It's the utility room." "Oh." "That's very "now", innit?" "Well, I don't like having her here." "She gives me nightmares." "I can hear her creeping around and scratching." "Scratching." "I've had to put extra locks on my door!" "Oh, have you?" "Poor you." "(EXHALES)" "What are you doing?" "Pen, pen." "What are you doing, darling?" "Pen, pen, pen, pen." "Hmm?" "What is this?" ""Observations Dreary." What's that mean?" "Diary." "Oh, diary." "It's for my writing course." "Oh, your writing course." "You still on that darling?" "I thought they stopped you going off after you were arrested for stalking." "I mean, how many weeks were you in that poor family's cupboard?" "Observing." "Two." "Oh, two weeks." "But it was worth it." "Was it?" "I tell you something, darling, you'd be better off using me as your raw material." "No, I had to get a glimpse into normality." "Normality." "Darling, normal is what you know." "Well, it's a new diet thing, darling." "Liz Hurley does it." "Dolly cutlery." "Fools your brain into thinking you're eating a big meal, sweetheart." "It's kind of freaky, though, isn't it, darling?" "Look, Eddy Giant-Hands." "Eddy Giant-Hands, sweetheart!" ""Mother still fat."" "Obser-bloody-vations!" "I may be fat, darling, but at least I'm not a thief." "Yeah, stealing little bits out of other people's lives." "Stealing their wit and calling it your own." "Little wit-picker, that's all you are." "Little regurgitator of old wit-picks." "You know what that is?" "That's all art-fart poop-parp-tit, that is." "Talk to me." "Talk to me." "No!" "People don't have to talk endlessly." "(SIGHS)" "I'm..." "Just lonely." "Well, I am." "You know, Patsy's working." "You're observing." "Got no job of my own any more." "That..." "Listen to me, darling." "(SIGHS)" "I miss my son." "Yeah, I do." "I miss my lovely son." "He'd talk to me." "Serge would talk to me." "Yeah, my lovely son would talk to me." "F it, I'm gonna call Marshall and see where Serge is." "Oh you..." "You don't need to." "Why?" "He's coming over later." "Marshall?" "(HUFFS)" "(SIGHING) That does it." "Just looking, not eating." "Look, hands." "So send in your cheque and your infirmity to  Epiphany and we will pray for you." "Can I hear an "Amen"?" "ALL:" "Amen!" "BO:" "Amen all round!" "Because God don't like demands." "No, he doesn't." "And he said, "Lo," and begged the children crawl up and sit on his lap." "Ephedrians 12-7." "Can I hear "Praise Jesus"?" "ALL:" "Praise Jesus!" "BO:" "Praise his holy name!" "You know, all the cults, they think they got it made." "All the Hindus and the Buddhists and the Lutherans." "Oh, yeah." "Well, the Hindus, they got some kind of a wheel." "And the Buddhists they got a circle, and everyone's got Allah coming down." "But, friends..." "We have got Jesus Christ!" "Can I hear an "Amen"?" "ALL:" "Amen!" "Pay attention up here." "Stay with us, Lola." "Because, you know, we just wanna thank the Lord." "We wanna take his holy name on high and we wanna thank him from the bottom of our buttocks!" "Thank you, dear Lord, Jesus." "Thank you!" "Thank you." "Now Philomena Bill from Bunter, Ohio, bring yourself towards your screen." "Bring yourself up, hitch that chair up, drag those big fat, sluggish limbs up and look at me." "Now, touch me, Phil." "Touch me, because I cast out your cancer," "I cast out your diabetes," "I cast out your hypoglyc..." "Your hypo..." "Well, God sees your disease." "He don't need a heap of letters." "And through me, in Jesus's name, be healed!" "Be healed!" "(SHRIEKING) Be healed!" "PRIEST:" "Hallelujah." "LOLA:" "Hallelujah." "LOLA:" "Hallelujah." "We have a TV ministry." "It's a real ministry." "We got a temple and everything." "It's a TV studio, Bo!" "I had a calling..." "It was the network." "(HUFFS)" "But..." "And let me finish, Bo, we truly have been changed." "God sent us an angel." "Are you talking about Lola?" "Oh, she's a wonder." "An innocent, a prophetess." "Lola can't see the future!" "She can't even see her own feet!" "Where's my son?" "Our son." "My son." "Where is he?" "What's he doing?" "Taking blood samples from Eskimos." "Counting polyps in the Indian Ocean." "(TALKING GIBBERISH)" "It's lies, isn't it?" "That's all lies!" "Jesus is our saviour!" "Jesus is our Lord!" "Not now, Bo!" "I've been thinking about this for some time while I was in that fridge, darling." "Why doesn't Serge come home?" "What can it possibly have been that drove him away all those years ago, darling?" "What could it possibly have been that you did to him, sweetheart?" "Me?" "Yes, you." "It's the only logical explanation, isn't it?" "He left because of you!" "You smothered him and tried to seduce every friend he ever brought home." "You!" "With your overbearing corpulence!" "Not me!" "(WHIMPERING) Corpulence?" "How dare you use words like that with me, darling?" "You don't even know what it means!" "I don't know what it means, actually, no." "But, darling, I know something." "My son loved me." "My son always loved me." "He always said so." "Only because you were clutching him so tight, to your breasts he'd suffocate if he didn't." "Oh, sweetheart..." "You drove him away because you were jealous." "(GASPING)" "I wish he was here, so I wouldn't always have to take the brunt of you!" "Well, tell me where he is, then and you won't have to." "The boy wants to be left alone." "Boy!" "Praise Jesus!" "He has come from on high!" "Oh, hello, dears." "Have I missed anything?" "Yeah, they were just telling me about Serge." "Say nothing!" "Serge!" "I was just thinking about him." "I was just wondering if that sort of thing can run in the family." "What?" "Zip it!" "Being gay, dear." "Serge is gay?" "Well, that's true, isn't it, Saffy?" "Yes, it is." "(SQUEAKING) Yes, it is!" "My son is gay..." "My son is gay and you knew..." "That's all she needs to know!" "Where does he live?" "Where does he live?" "Oh..." "Come on." "Where does he live?" "Don't tell her!" "Come on." "I can't remember..." "New York, Eds." "Yeah, New York, darling." "New York, that's it." "Patsy knew." "Yes." "My son is gay and living in New York and you knew!" "EDINA:" "My son is gay and living in New York and you all..." "Darling, I'm going to New York tomorrow!" "I can see him!" "He won't want to see you." "Course he will." "Course he will, darling." "Gay people love me." "Oh, yeah." "All my friends are gay." "All my friends are gay." "I mean I laugh with them, I cry with them, darling, you know?" "# Oklahoma!" "Where the wind comes sweeping down the plain #" "Oh, fantastic." "Darling, he can fill me in on David and Liza." "He can scream with me when Valentino comes out with a new flip flop." "Oh, darling!" "Personal shopper for life!" "(CHUCKLING) Sweetheart!" "Give me his address, darling." "No!" "Give me his address, darling." "Go on, go on." "No!" "You've got it." "Shut up!" "No." "I know you've got it in that your little book of yours." "No." "MARSHALL:" "No!" "Give me his address!" "Oh will you shut up!" "Now you've done it!" "I'll find him!" "I'll sniff him out!" "I mean, how many gay men can there be in New York?" "Marshall, I am very disappointed in you." "How could you stand by while your son wallows in the jaws of Sodom?" "Oh, Bo, get real here!" "We all have gay feelings!" "Don't we?" "EDINA:" "Shh." "(WHISPERING) Pats!" "Pats, sweetheart!" "Darling, what are you doing here?" "What are you doing here, darling?" "Eddy, I'm not really worried about going to New York, but darling, you will come with me, won't you?" "I mean, you're gonna be there with me." "'Cause, you know, just to help me with a little bit of..." "Just to make a little bit of a choice." "Yeah." "I'm going to find my son." "You know, just to make me, a little bit of support..." "Listen!" "Listen!" "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah." "I've got to find Serge's address and I think Saffy's got it up in the bedroom." "So we're going to go up now and find it in the little cupboard up there." "But if she wakes up..." "Oh, right." "Oh, right." "But I might have to give her a little drug or something to keep her under..." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "Shh!" "Best be quiet." "Yeah, but you will come to New York with me, won't you?" "Shh!" "You're coming." "Shh, shh." "Oh, that's okay." "Thanks, cheers, cheers." "I'm with you, darling." "Come on." "Shh." "(ALARM BEEPS)" "(TAPPING) -(ALARM STOPS)" "It's okay." "It's okay, darling." "(WHISPERING) Phew!" "Just as well, Eddy." "This is good stuff." "Shame to waste it." "EDINA:" "It's a little black book." "She's got everything she likes in her little black book." "EDINA:" "Listen, darling." "A little tiny thing." "PATSY:" "Yeah." "I hate books, darling." "They give me itchy eyes." "Shh, shh, Pats!" "EDINA:" "Ooh, hey, up there!" "I'll keep an eye on her." "Eddy!" "Eddy!" "I could do with some help here." "(PATSY GROANS)" "PATSY:" "Oh, that's very good." "EDINA:" "Give it to me." "Give me the whole book!" "There we are, darling." "Serge..." "Serge... (GASPING) Oh!" "Serge!" "What?" ""Guff"?" "Must be a club he works in or something." "Fantastic!" "New York." "Put that back." "All right." "Guff." "New York, New York." "She won't even notice it's gone." "She knew." "I knew she knew!" "I knew she knew." "Ed!" "Ed!" "Ed, can you..." "Eddy, can you help me down from here?" "Ed?" "(GROANS)" "(SIGHS)" "(GASPS)" "Mum!" "Mum." "Eddy!" "Eddy!" "(TAPPING)" "Do you have everything, darling?" "Tickets?" "Money?" "Passport?" "Come on, sweetheart!" "Don't go!" "No, come on." "We're going, we're going!" "Don't go!" "Ooh!" "Ooh!" "Get up those stairs!" "Get up those stairs!" "Darling, darling?" "She's given me a wedgie on my thong." "Can you give me a hand?" "Oh, God!" "All right." "EDINA:" "Ooh." "Oh, that's better." "Ooh, that's a bit better." "Thank you, darling." "Can you see it?" "Is it still sexy?" "Yeah, well..." "Eddy, have you seen my glasses?" "Have you seen my glasses?" "I just..." "I just don't know where... (MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY)" "You won't find him." "And even if you do, he won't want to see you." "He will, darling." "My son is going to love me." "Tickets, money, passport!" "Tickets." "No!" "Don't go!" "(CRYING) No!" "EDINA:" "We're here at check-in." "Yeah." "No, no, stay where you are." "That's what we pay for." "Good morning." "So we can stay in the car." "Morning." "Tickets and passport, please." "Is this Upper Class?" "This is upper class." "There you go." "My face looks a bit big 'cause I was too close to the camera, but that's me." "Thank you very much." "And your ticket and passport, please." "Thank you." "EDINA:" "Did you get the bags?" "Sarah, would you mind having a look?" "Just want to know, when was this photo taken?" "Oh, it's very recent." "Okay, thank you very much." "Here's your boarding passes now." "Have a good flight, today." "Drive, drive!" "EDINA:" "Not nervous, are you?" "No?" "PATSY:" "Nah." "It's all about confidence." "(INHALES) Yeah." "If I believe it, they'll believe it." "Whatever I choose is cool because I am cool." "(HONKING)" "What's that, darling?" "What?" "Chanel No 5." "No." "(SIGHING) Oh..." "I wonder what he looks like?" "Who?" "Serge." "Oh, you're not still going on about him, are you?" "Darling, he's my son!" "Who you haven't seen for..." "All right, 10, 11..." "What age was he when he left?" "What age was he when you noticed he'd gone?" "When did I have him?" "When did your pelvic floor collapse?" "What age was I when I had him?" "Maybe he doesn't even exist?" "Maybe, Eddy..." "Maybe that wasn't the placenta you ate." "Think about that." "Don't be ridiculous." "Anyway, we have to meet him now because, uh, he'll have to answer all these questions." "He'll just be talking placenta." "He'll be more interesting than that, darling." "You know, being..." "Ooh." "Oh, I need some fresh air." "Yes!" "My son is gay and living in New York!" "Yeah!" "Oh, my sunglasses!" "My sunglasses!" "Stop the car, stop the car!" "My sunglasses!" "Stop the car!" "EDINA:" "Stop the car!" "Stop the car!" "They're vintage Jackie O!" "Stop the car!" "Stop the car!" "(TIRES SQUEALING)" "Go for it, babe!" "(HORNS BLARING)" "Where are we?" "Are we not staying at the Four Seasons, darling?" "No, darling." "It's the Soho Grand." "This is where it's at." "Down town, the street." "No, here you won't be woken by the squeak of a Gucci loafer on a cool marble hall." "Here, it'll be the thump of a Reebok crashing through the door" "so some kid can jack you for your bling." "Fabulous!" "Oh, lovely hotel, hotel, hotel." "Want to wear some of this, darling." "It'll never fit." "I'll drape it." "Just drape it." "Darling, we'd better get a move on." "We've already missed the press breakfast, but we can start with Timmy Hillfinger." "Then we can do Ellis, D..." "DKNY." "And then Bartley, then Luca, Luca..." "Ooh." "Luca Luca." "Then we can go on to..." "Oh, Zac Posen." "Oh, darling, yes!" "Oh, it's Zac, my little Zac." "My little man with the bling." "Yeah." "Then we can go down to Serge's club." "(PATSY SIGHS)" "Guff, darling." "It's a club." "It can't be that hard to find." "Just think, tomorrow, darling, I shall be going to the shows with a gay man on my arm." "Darling, you don't need a fag bangle." "(MOUTHING) Fag bangle." "Actually, that porter could have been him." "I wouldn't have known." "No, too tall, Eddy." "Mmm." "He might have grown." "Too thin." "Oh, I hadn't thought about it like that." "Yeah." "So where shall we start?" "Champagne tent?" "Yeah, champagne tent." "Well, let's go." "Darling!" "BO:" "Are you all ready, Marshall?" "Do I have to do this?" "Yes, you have to do this, now don't talk back to me, you little twink!" "I'll just stay for one drink." "All right, stay and experiment with your gay feelings," "but if you fall foul of sin..." "Which I won't." "Which you might and if you do, you come back here, we will exorcise the demon and we will laugh the laugh of the righteous." "I hope you're writing this down, Saffy." "This could be a movie." "Did you call Serge?" "I tried." "I'll try later." "Oh!" "BO:" "Big Daddy Bear!" "You go, you go, you go." "Okay, God loves you, just not your condition, big guy." "Take care of Baby Bear!" "Cheers!" "Cheers!" "Yeah, I'm with Jeremy's now." "Yeah." "Cheers." "Thanks a lot." "Thanks." "It's clearing out now, darling," "shall we go back to the bar?" "Yeah." "Yep." "Yep." "Oh, Ruf, how are you doing?" "I'm doing okay." "How are you?" "Seeing a lot of them?" "I'm seeing all of them, baby." "Darling, thanks." "I think we can give Herrera a miss, actually." "Oh, hello, sweetheart!" "Oh, hi!" "How are you?" "Great." "My son will be here tomorrow." "He's gay." "Brilliant." "Oh, precious, precious little sparrow." "Why don't you read to me from your little journal, there?" "Take my mind off things?" "Okay, thank you." "(CLEARING THROAT) "Cupboard Memoirs." "Mmm-hmm." ""Day Five." ""My flask is empty." ""I'm now surviving on old cornflakes that I found in the cupboard." ""The family have still not been alerted to my presence." ""This is fantastic." ""The observations of life through the keyhole" ""have opened up a whole new world to me." ""This afternoon," ""they sat at the table and said nothing for almost 10 minutes." ""And then the mother got up and made them all a cup of tea!"" "Hmm." ""The father, called Ted, turned on the TV" ""and they watched Changing Rooms ," ""which is a television programme." ""They watched it without comment." ""Nothing was said." ""Nothing was said!"" "SAFFY:" "It's so funny!" "(CHUCKLING)" "It's very funny." "Where is Marshall?" "Why isn't he back yet, that crazy, little, chubby chaser?" "Oh, baby, what if he never comes back?" "I'll have to do the show myself!" "I can do that!" "Can you?" "Yes, I can." "I've done it before." "And that was sort of it." "That was fascinating, Lola." "Now, uh, Lola, tell me, how did Jesus come to you?" "Did he come from the side, did he, did he come from above, did he come straight at you?" "I know he didn't come from below." "'Cause you wouldn't have been able to see him." "He'd have been lost down there for days." "Now, Lola, how did Jesus come to you?" "He came more on the..." "Diagonal." "That's a big word for you." "Diagonal!" "And what did he look like?" "Like..." "Like Jesus." "Like Jesus?" "And did he have a beard?" "Oh, yeah." "Yeah." "Was he wearing sandals or was he barefoot?" "Barefoot." "Barefoot." "What colour was his robe?" "Blue." "No!" "That wasn't Jesus." "Jesus has a white robe, with a brown belt." "That was a demon, Lola." "No!" "You had a demon come to you, Lola?" "No!" "I..." "Is that what happened?" "Now, get on your knees and pray for forgiveness." "This is what he asked me to do." "Oh, good God." "Get the demon out!" "Demon out!" "Demon out!" "Demon out!" "What am I gonna do?" "(SIGHING) Oh, God." "Okay, let me see the schedule." "So, er..." "Darling, what does it say?" "So, uh, we've basically missed the first six." "We've got to see something." "That's started." "That show." "We'll catch the show after that one." "All right." "All right." "Another drink?" "Oh, yeah." "Yeah." "No, I'm not doing Luella." "No, I'm being very selective." "Take it easy." "I'm not prepared to reveal my vibe." "What is your vibe?" "Bling." "What, just bling?" "Yeah, just simple, you know." "Just, um..." "Just a T-shirt and a rail, and a pair of Yen hipsters and a bag." "Simple." "Yeah." "No." "We'll come tomorrow morning darling." "We'll do Jared Gold and then we'll do Zac Posen and that's it." "That's all you need to do, darling." "And it'll give us the afternoon." "Cheers, darling." "Cheers, darling." "Cheers." "Then we can go down and we'll..." "Serge's club." "Oh, no!" "I have to find Serge, darling." "I have to, darling." "You promised." "Everyone out there thinks he's coming tomorrow." "Please, sweetie?" "Well, change first, Eddy." "It's here!" "Ooh, sweetheart!" "(CHUCKLING) Guff!" "Guff!" "Guff..." "Oh, Guff!" ""Gays Uniting Friends and Family," darling." "Oh, so not a club." "No, darling, it's a drop-in centre for the LGB..." "Lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender." "Oh." "My son is gay." "He works here." "EDINA:" "Serge." "Do you know him?" "Is he here?" "No." "Can you give me his address and his phone number?" "No." "It's in the files." "I can't give it to you." "I'm his mother!" "No, I can't." "Well, who can?" "Goldie, our counsellor, but she won't." "COUNSELLOR:" "Go on and get out!" "Go on and get out." "Get out!" "Get out!" "I am not talking to you people again." "There you are in my office, crying, "Ooh, my son!" ""Ooh, what am I gonna do?" "My son is gay!" "(MOCK CRYING) "What am I gonna do?"" "You know what you're going to do?" "You are going to get over it!" "Go on and get out!" "Creepy, strange-ass white people!" "(SNORTING) Sit." "COUNSELLOR:" "And you know what?" "They all have the same little idea." "Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay." "You know," "I do weddings." "That's how I really make my money." "Can I show you something?" "(PAPERS RUSTLING)" "I want to welcome you here, to the LBGB counselling centre." "And I counsel out of the goodness of my heart 'cause I like these people and I want people to be married." "Will you think about getting married?" "You know, I do these same-sex marriages." "It doesn't cost much." "And you know what I include?" "Foot washing and hand fastening." "I have speaking in tongues just as a side-line." "Eddy, just play along with me." "It doesn't cost nothing and I take traveller's cheques." "(SIGHING)" "I take it you're both 'L'?" "Yes." "I take it you're T?" "No, I'm just getting over the flu." "But you know what?" "You're the second person who said that to me today." "(SNIFFS)" "Mmm..." "Who's been smoking?" "(SNIFFING) I can smell it." "Um..." "Is it you?" "Come here." "Come here, girl." "Come here." "Let me smell you." "Oh, God!" "One more time!" "Oh!" "Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God." "Thank you, girl." "You know, I've been sitting up here all day trying to get myself together." "And you know what, you're like Lady Nicotine to me." "Lady Nicotine!" "(GRUNTING) Mmm!" "So..." "What can I do for you?" "Um, we, er..." "We..." "We want to get married." "No, we don't." "Yes, we do, Eddy." "EDINA:" "No, we don't." "PATSY:" "No darling, we do." "(ARGUING INDISTINCTLY)" "We want to get married for your son's sake." "What do you mean for my son's sake?" "She's worried that the family won't accept it." "Mmm." "EDINA:" "Of course my family will accept it, darling." "You see, my son is gay and my first husband is gay, but my..." "Well, my gay son is from my straight husband, it's very complicated." "And we've got a daughter, as well, but she doesn't like Patsy." "She doesn't like Patsy living in the house." "Oh, she's jealous." "Not jealous, darling." "She's not jealous." "Do you know something?" "Okay, counselling." "What?" "Yeah, yeah?" "I'll tell you something, darling." "Sometimes, I don't like you living in the house." "Oh, Eddy, don't let's rake all this up." "EDINA:" "Rake it all up." "That's what counselling is for, darling." "So we don't live in silence." "So we don't live through the lie." "Because sometimes, since you've had the job, darling." "And you've been wearing the trousers, so to speak, you're taking over." "No, I can't get a word in edgeways." "You're living in the house, you're drinking my drink, you're spending all my money, sweetheart." "Come on, you come back at me now." "That's what you do." "You come back at me." "You tell me something you don't like about me." "Come on, darling." "Hit me with it." "All right, all right then." "Sometimes you talk with your mouth full and it's disgusting." "But I don't care." "Marry me, Eddy!" "Mmm-mmm-mmm." "It's all..." "It's so sudden." "You know what?" "I think we've gone as far as we could go with counselling." "You come with me." "Give me five minutes." "I'm a genius." "We'll meet you on the pier." "Can I get another hit?" "Sure." "(INHALES)" "Oh, yeah!" "Okay..." "Who's your mama?" "Um..." "Cheers." "Thanks a lot." "(PANTING)" "What are you doing?" "Why haven't you moved?" "Why are you just sitting there?" "Is she back?" "No!" "She's not here." "It's very late." "(WHIMPERING) Oh." "# Happy talky talky happy talk" "# Talk about things you like to do" "# You've got to have a dream if you don't have a dream" "# How you going to have a dream come true?" "#" "What happened then?" "You clapped." "This is ridiculous!" "They'll think I'm a fantasist." "You're all freaks!" "You see, the thing is, I'm not gay." "Okay..." "Okay." "But there's a few things, you gonna have to come to terms with." "First..." "Everybody..." "Is gay." "Oh, yeah, I know that." "From the mail man to the president, everybody is in denial." "Yeah." "You know." "Yes." "Don't be ashamed of who you are." "I'm not, no, no." "Learn to love the V on V thing." "It's cool." "V on V thing?" "V on V thing." "V on V thing." "Tasty, too." "Come on now." "Come here." "Look at me." "Love yourself." "Yeah, no, I do." "It's fine." "No, no." "But you got to say it to yourself," ""I love you."" "I love you." "Put your hand down." "Here, on the love box." ""I love you." No, I'm not too happy with that, no." "All right, well." "Do you like the girls?" "Yeah." "Grab the girls." "Okay, grab the girls." "Pick the girls up." "Yeah." "Pick the girls up." "Rise them up." "What do you say to them?" "I love you." "That's right." "I love you." "You feeling good?" "Yeah." "Good." "Stick that tongue out." "I love you." "I love you." "I love you." "Grit it through your teeth." "I love you." "(GRUNTING) I love you!" "Girl, are you ready?" "You're ready, girl." "I'm ready." "Come on, girl." "You ready?" "I'm ready." "I'm ready." "You're ready." "Here she is now." "Now remember." "Bull, bitch or babe, she's Mr Right." "We are gathered here today in wonderfulness..." "Eddy!" "In wonderfulness, to bring together this woman with this woman..." "In the sight of..." "What's your name?" "Bill." "Bill." "In the sight of Bill, to join..." "This heart to this heart." "Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no." "Right." "Let's go." "Is that all of it?" "Just need a little bit of information from..." "'Cause it was in the filing cabinet, 'cause my son is gay and it's fashion week!" "Bless this union, and you'll go through with this or the deal's off." "Now, repeat after me." "I, Edina..." "I, Edwina, take you, Patsy..." "I, Patsy..." "Take you, Ed..." "Eddy." "To be my woman..." "To be my woman." "Have you prepared vows?" "No." "No." "Do you want hand-fasting?" "No." "No." "Do you want to sip from the common goblet?" "Of course, that's extra." "Well, a sip for me..." "No." "No." "Then on with the exchange of rings." "Ow!" "I pronounce you married." "You may kiss the brides." "You pucker." "No, you pucker." "No, you pucker." "Come on now, somebody pucker up." "No..." "She'll be there, she'll be there." "No, I can't." "I..." "No..." "Can't do that, Eddy." "Pucker, don't pucker, suit yourself." "I will require a credit card." "American Express." "That better be Serge's address." "Give it!" "(CHUCKLES)" "He'll be there in the morning." "EDINA:" "Thank you very much." "PATSY:" "Cheers, thanks a lot." "Cheers." "Hey, I wanted that!" "We're married!" "Aren't you going to carry me over the porthole?" "Sweetheart?" "Oh!" "You know what, darling." "Third time lucky for me." "Don't be ridiculous!" "You know, we should have gotten a pre-nup." "You're not getting any of my money. (CHUCKLES)" "Oh, stop this, Eddy." "Ugh!" "What's the matter with you?" "I just..." "Go and change into something more comfortable." "No, it's not..." "It's 'cause I've got..." "There's stuff in my..." "What?" "What?" "Where?" "Oh!" "There's something down here and it hurts..." "Let me have a look, dear." "It hurts so much." "Come here, sweetheart." "Let me have a look." "It really, really hurts." "Ahhh, ahhh." "You're gonna have to get..." "Oh, it's dropped down." "You'll have to take your pants off." "Oh..." "It's all right, we're married!" "(GROANS)" "A paper clip." "Oh, cheers, Eddy." "Thanks a lot." "Darling, listen, we are not married." "It is not legal." "We are married, darling." "Just keep it on till tomorrow, please, darling." "Why?" "Because then I'll have been married to you longer than I've ever been married to anybody." "I've never even come back from a honeymoon and still been married." "Still, I got what I wanted." "Serge's address." "Serge Turtle." "Why is he called Turtle?" "Serge Turtle." "The Strand, darling." "Must be a club." "Do you think?" "Club." "He works at a club." "Oh, Eddy, will you stop going on about all this?" "I've had a hell of a day, I've got a lot of work to do and I'm very, very tired." "Good." "'Cause, frankly, I've got a headache." "I just spoke to Mum." "She thinks she's found Serge." "I don't know how." "Never mind, dear." "No, I wanted her to find him." "I hope he loves her." "I hope she stays there." "Well, of course you do, dear." "We all want that." "I hope he realises what he's put me through these last 12 years." "But, Saffy, dear..." "What would you be without her?" "Mmm?" "What?" "Oh, what is it?" "Oh, no!" "What is it, Eddy?" "It's a bookshop!" "It's not a club?" "No, darling." "It's a second-hand bookshop." "Oh, no." "Well, let's not go in, Eddy." "Darling, we'll only be half an hour." "Sweetheart, you gave me half an hour." "We're going in." "We're going in." "MAN:" "I can't do this!" "I can't meet her!" "Not today!" "Look at what I'm wearing!" "I have to go shopping!" "She can't arrive until I've gone shopping!" "This is not how I wanna be seen!" "Ahhh..." "I have to work out!" "Oh, I'm so fat!" "Fat, fat, fat, fat, fatty, fatty!" "Two by four!" "Saffy, call her!" "Tell her she can't come today!" "Saffy?" "Saffy?" "Run, run, run, run, run!" "Pats, move, come on, come on, come on." "Ma'am, your bags." "I need lipo and pecs!" "(GASPS)" "I need pecs!" "I'm looking for my son." "My son." "Of course I'll recognise her!" "(WHIMPERING)" "Itchy eyes!" "Itchy eyes!" "I will get pecs even if I have to rip open my own chest and push in chicken livers with my teeth!" "Teeth!" "I need new teeth!" "I keep finding bits of enamel on the floor!" "Eddy!" "Whoa!" "Pats!" "Over here, Eddy, I'm stuck." "Darling, I'm here, sweetheart!" "Serge!" "It's me, Mama." "(MOUTHS) Mama." "Oh, my God!" "I didn't want to meet you like this..." "Not here." "It's all right, darling." "(CHUCKLING)" "EDINA:" "Oh..." "I don't care where we are or what you are, darling, you are my son." "I..." "I'm not." "What?" "I'm, I'm, I'm not Serge." "Serge Turtle." "No, I'm not your son." "But, er..." "I love you and I don't even know you, so... (WHIMPERING) Mmm!" "I am Serge." "I..." "Am your son." "He's a book?" "Serge?" "Hello." "Darling, is that really you?" "Are you standing on something, sweetheart?" "No." "You exist, then." "I was beginning to think you were just talking placenta, like Pats said." "I'm so sorry." "Come and give Mama a hug, darling." "Sweetheart..." "Hello, darling." "Darling, look at you." "(CHUCKLING) Look at this." "Oh, Daddy's face!" "Ooh!" "Sweetheart..." "Do you know who this is, sweetheart?" "Who is this?" "This is Martin, my partner." "Your boyfriend?" "Yes." "Yes." "Oh, yes, oh, yes!" "Super to meet you." "I've been pressing him for this meeting." "I just knew it would work out." "And may I say that in the flesh..." "All right, stop it." "You are..." "You are bigger..." "I mean, larger..." "No, I mean..." "A light." "Just leave it!" "A very, very big light." "Shut up!" "I just adore what you're wearing." "Thank you." "I'll shut up now." "You two, you know, carry on." "So..." "You found me." "Yeah, it wasn't easy, you know." "You using that false name and everything, darling." "(CHUCKLING) Turtle." "That is my name." "It's Dad's name." "Oh!" "Look, Saffy's right." "I have been a coward." "Darling, I want us to forget that now." "No." "Why don't you want to know why I left?" "Because it's the past, darling." "It's old news." "We can start over." "No, I left so I could be the person I am." "Not the son you want me to be." "I wanted you to be gay, darling!" "Why else do you think I blasted my belly with Donna Summer for nine months?" "Hmm?" "I tried to mould you in the womb." "My hairdresser laid hands on you, sweetheart." "I mean to say, you could have told me, couldn't you, darling." "You could have told Mama." "I mean, think of all the things we've missed, all the times we could have had, darling." "I mean, I'm in mourning now, honestly darling, for the shopping trips, the sunbeds, the bitchin'." "You see, this is why I left." "You only have one idea about what it is to be gay." "A gay man can be..." "Boring." "Sweetheart, being gay is the best excuse you'll ever have for not being boring." "PATSY:" "Time's up, Eddy." "Darling, where have you been?" "I got my head wedged in the Erica Jong's." "Darling, this is Serge." "Not that one, this one, darling." "That's Serge." "Serge, darling." "Do you remember Patsy?" "Old Patsy?" "Serge." "Pat." "Now, we're going to take in a few fashion shows today." "Eddy, in about half an hour." "I know, darling, I know." "So, darling..." "Oh, just go." "No, but you could come with us, we thought." "No, no, no, no." "Oh, my God." "It's just the same." "You think you can just attach me like an accessory and drag me around without ever never listening to what I want to say." "I will, darling, but just not here." "We only have half an hour." "I want you to go with her." "Okay." "I want you to listen." "I will, I will listen to you, darling." "But not here, not with the books, all right?" "Not with the books." "Don't you remember my book allergy, darling?" "Itchy eyes, itchy eyes." "Itchy eyes?" "You never could stand books." "I like books with photos." "You hate books!" "I hate these books, yes." "I hate these dusty old books." "These books full of dead ideas." ""A graveyard of ideas." That's what you said." ""Tiny coffins full of putrefying concepts."" "Yeah, well, then I was jealous of the books." "I could take you hating everything else about me," "I could take you, flaunting your breasts at my friends, seducing them, chasing them away with your overbearing corpulence, the way you smothered me with blubber, the way you clutched me to your breast whenever you were lonely," "the way you let..." "that revel in our misery, but..." "My books... (CRYING) Why..." "Why did you burn all my books?" "We were cold." "Come on, Eddy." "I'm going." "This is important to me." "I know, darling." "I know." "One sec, one sec." "Just come with us for today and we'll just do a couple of the shows." "Hmm?" "Give me a day, darling, to prove how much I love you and how much we're going to love each other, sweetheart" "Will you do that?" "Just give me a day, sweetheart." "Say you will do that." "Come on, darling, come on." "(GROWLING) Come one, say yes, say yes, say yes." "I'm stronger than you still!" "This always worked when he was a little boy." "Come on, say yes, sweetheart!" "I'm not letting go." "Say yes, say yes!" "It's only a day!" "Say yes!" "Okay." "Let go." "Oh!" "He said yes!" "Saffy, darling." "Saffy." "It's Mama," "I'm here in New York, darling." "Can you hear me?" "Sweetheart, guess who's next to me now, darling!" "Guess who..." "Serge!" "Come on, darling." "I'm coming." "Darling, say hello." "Hi, Saffy!" "You see, darling?" "I've got him!" "(CHUCKLING)" "Mum?" "Serge?" "Where the hell have you been?" "On my date!" "You sent me!" "Did he touch you?" "Only on the knee." "Oh, my God!" "Did you kiss him?" "We talked about it." "That's the same thing in God's eyes!" "Get down!" "Saffy!" "Get down!" "See, this really is a movie." "Take it down in your little book, dear." "Take it out of you!" "You've got a whole script here." "BO:" "I want to get that demon out!" "Are you listening, dear?" "(TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING)" "Darling, he's with me." "He's with me." "PATSY:" "We've got to get through here." "EDINA:" "Excuse me." "Could you give my son a haircut?" "He's gay." "Could anyone tong my son?" "He's gay." "Keep up!" "This is my son." "He's gay." "He's with me, he's with me." "I think it's water." "Oh, no, that's Patsy's bottle." "That's Patsy's." "Put the lid back on before it evaporates." "Jared, hi." "I really loved the show." "Hello." "We loved it." "We loved it." "This is my son." "Is he gay?" "Put him in leather." "Put him in leather." "Debbie!" "Your godson, your godson!" "(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)" "My son is gay!" "(COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING)" "Hold that, hold that, darling." "Look, I can do that, Eddy." "Eddy." "Eddy, look at this, darling." "Whoa!" "Eddy, look, I'm up here, darling!" "# Rock'n'roll!" "#" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Ed, something horrible is burning!" "Oh, my God, it's me!" "Eddy!" "(EXPLOSION)" "Lift your hands!" "Spread your legs!" "Spread your legs!" "Search me!" "Search me!" "Search me!" "Put your hands behind your back!" "Darling, call Saffy!" "(SIRENS WAILING)" "Do something!" "(THEME MUSC PLAYING)" "(CHATTING INDISTINCTLY)" "You're early." "I didn't know if you'd be on this flight or the next." "Oh, no, darling." "They let us out, the cops." "No charge." "That's because" "I made a phone call and paid the fine." "Well, it was a great trip." "Yeah." "(CHUCKLING)" "Wasn't it, darling?" "'Cause you got inspiration for Jeremy's." "Oh, yeah." "I got a fantastic new concept." "Just free little, airline sponge bags and a rail." "(CHUCKLING) Gifts for the customers." "I must get onto the team." "Fantastic!" "I'll just tell the team." "That's not your phone, that's your lighter!" "(GUFFAWING) It's a lighter!" "What do you think of that, darling?" "Fantastic trip, Eddy." "Fantastic trip, yeah." "Mum..." "Oh, cheers, darling." "I'll tell you something, darling." "Patsy and I got married." "Well, we..." "Yeah, third time for me, isn't it, sweetheart?" "Gay man, straight man, woman." "(CHUCKLING) That's fantastic, isn't it?" "Mum." "What?" "I'm sorry about Serge, and everything." "That's all right." "I just wanted to say..." "I still love you." "Yeah, well, you don't need to now, 'cause I've got a son that loves me, haven't I?" "In fact, darling, he's coming to live here with us." "PATSY AND SAFFY:" "Serge?" "(CHUCKLING) No, my son." "I now pronounce you mother and son." "Photo!" "(CAMERA CLICKING)"