"The dresser, the bed spread, the lamp, the television, the telephone..." "Randy was pointing out all the things he was going to miss at the motel, 'cause it was our last night there." "We were moving." "...the vending machine that takes buttons..." "Paul, the sleep-walking guy from downstairs." "Yeah, I'm going to miss Paul, too." "We've had some good times here." "Except for the gas leak-- that was kind of scary." "Wasn't that bad." "We slept through most of it." "So why were me and Randy moving ?" "Well, I had recently realized that I had cheated myself out of becoming an adult." "So I put Earl Hickey on the list." "I got my G.E.D." "I got a real job..." "And finally, me and Randy moved into a real apartment." "Hey, Earl ?" "Yeah, Randy ?" "What color is the ceiling in your room ?" "White." "Mine, too." "Hey, why don't you two lovebirds get off channel nine ?" "This is an emergency frequency." "Sorry, sir." "Good night, Randy." "Good night, Earl." "Good night, emergency frequency." "Get off it !" "Me and Randy had just moved into our new apartment and were having our first breakfast." "Man, everyone here is so friendly." "I even got some helpful advice from one of our neighbors last night." "When I go out looking for an ice machine, I should put on pants." "Oh, and there's no ice machine." "This is a nice place." "But I got this weird feeling inside." "I can't really explain it, but" "I don't know, it feels like something's missing." "Yeah." "I picked all the marshmallow charms out of your cereal." "I hoped you wouldn't notice." "Well, that's not it." "Although I do wish you wouldn't put your hands in my cereal." "It's just that, I don't know," "I-I crossed off all the things on my list to become an adult, and I don't know, I just..." "I don't feel like I thought I would." "Wait, let that thing I bought answer it." "Hello !" "This is a Mr. T impersonator." "I pity the fool who doesn't leave a message for Randy and Earl." "That was so worth 20 bucks." "Earl, get your ass down to the jail right now." "I'm in big trouble." "There's about to be a race riot, and me and the baby are on different sides." "How'd you end up in jail ?" "I thought you were hiding in Mexico." "Yeah, well, running from the law wasn't as easy as they made it look on The Dukes of Hazzard." "Joy was in a heap of trouble." "It started last fall when she stole a truck and got arrested." "Unfortunately, it was a third strike, and now she was facing life in prison." "So Joy took an unscheduled vacation..." "Mexico." "And things were going well for a while." "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God." "You're Dog, the Bounty Hunter." "I am your biggest fan." "My name is Joy." "Turner, I got a warrant for your arrest, baby." "Bail jumping and interstate flight to avoid prosecution." "Oh, Chascuito..." "This is crazy, Joy." "You keep making things worse for yourself." "Running away makes you look guilty." "Look, I'm freaking out, okay ?" "I could go away for life !" "You know how long that is ?" "Well, depends on how long you... 70 more years." "Look at my lifeline !" "Now listen, my deaf lawyer said that I have to have good character witnesses, and I need you to go find them for me." "Now, write these names down." "So, it's not fun huh ?" "It's lonely in solitary." "I miss my cell mate." " Why'd they put you in solitary ?" " I killed my cell mate." "I stopped by the trailer to see how Darnell was doing on his own." "I didn't really need to ask, 'cause his hair is like a mood ring." "The kids found the sugar and the Fourth of July poppers." "They've been awake for 36 hours." "Whoo !" "Why is Mr. Turtle taped to the ceiling window ?" "Oh, that's where he is ?" "I thought he ran away." "I wouldn't blame him." "Want me to get him down ?" "He-He looks kind of scared." "His tiny turtle butt's all puckered up." "He's probably safer up there." "I'm having a little trouble controlling the kids, Earl." "And keeping up with the chores and my shifts at work." "Ow !" "Dodge, uh... how about you stop hitting Old Daddy with firecrackers and go eat sugar with your brother while I talk to New Daddy, okay ?" "Here, go help them with the clothes." "Come on, kids..." "Look, Crab Man, if you want, me and Randy can take the kids off your hands for a while, give you a break." "Get the perk back into your hair." "Thanks, Earl, but it's not just taking care of the kids." "I don't think I can do this." "I can't live without Joy." "She's the other half of my heart." "That's sweet." "She's got the other piece ?" "No." "It's somewhere in my colon." "She made me eat her half when we got into a fight once." "I miss her, Earl." "Without that woman in my life, I'm nothing." "That's when I realized what was missing in my life." "The one adult thing I didn't have yet." "A woman to love and share a tiny gold heart necklace with." "Truth was, I'd met a woman a year before" "I probably could have felt that way about." "Her name was Alex the professor." "We'd had a connection, but" "Karma didn't think I was ready for a relationship, so it sent bees to sting our faces." "The time wasn't right then, but now I thought maybe it was." "I had made a lot of personal progress since then, including learning the phrase "personal progress."" "Stop, stop, stop !" "Nipples are out of bounds." "Nipples are out of bounds !" "Guys, stop screaming." "I'm making a call here." "You have reached the voice message system for..." "Alex Myers." "To leave a message, press one." "You have made an invalid entry." "If you would like to leave a message, press one." "I don't have buttons." "I just have holes." "Oh !" "Hey, Randy, I think you just screamed a "one" tone." "Uh, Alex, this is Earl Hickey." "Uh, you know, the guy with the list and the mustache." "Well, you told me to call you when I was ready for a relationship, and, well, I've matured and I think I'm ready for one now." "So give me a buzz." "That was supposed to be a joke." "Remember the bees ?" "Uh... call me." "Damn it, I forgot to lve my number." "Boys, when I point to you, tickle Uncle Randy until he screams the "one" tone again." "I wanted to wait by the phone for Alex to call, but" "I had use most of my lunch hour to find character witnesses for Joy." "I started with her old best friend, Lulu." "I haven't seen her in a few years." "Last time she was here, she drank too much cherry wine and had a threesome with my parents." "Oh, yeah, I remember that night." "We were still married." "You know, that was not a fun car ride home." "Well, uh, thanks anyway." "Next, I went to see Joy's minister." "You can't get much better than a man of God as a character witness." "Last time I saw her, she came to church wearing a denim bikini." "When I told her it wasn't appropriate, she said," ""You don't think Jesus would want a piece of this ?"" "I'll put you down as a "no."" "Later, I almost got a celebrity to give Joy's endorsement." "But unfortunately, he had a scheduling conflict." "Oh, I'd love to, but my family called, and they just booked me a guest star role on some reality show called Intervention." "It should be fun." "They're meeting me there." "So, I took a long shot and even asked Catalina." "Gracias por ver nuestra programa." "Los vamos a extrañar este verano." "¿No te parece cómico que Earl piensa que yo le estoy diciendo cuanto yo ódio a Joy, pero en reálidad le estoy diciendo cuanto la quiero ?" "No, no, no, no, no, no, no..." "What are you doing in our room ?" "This happens every year." "You got two new messages, fool !" "Hey, Earl, it's Alex." "It was so great to hear from you." "I'm so happy your life is going well." "I have some news." "I got married two months ago." "Um..." "I'm sorry our timing didn't work out." "You're a great guy." "I hope you have a wonderful life." "You deserve it." "Hey, dummy, hurry up !" "My deaf lawyer won't shut up about needing those character witnesses." "She's talking so much I think she sprained her pinky." "Hey, Tasha, did you hear that ?" "Did you hear what I said about my lawyer ?" "Now, give me some of those Doritos." "I went to Joy's lawyer's office feeling bad that I didn't find any character witnesses, and even worse, that I'd never find a woman as pretty and smart as Alex." "Hello ?" "And then I met Ruby." "I was pretty blown away was I saw" "Joy's deaf lawyer for the first time." "If my hands could talk, they would have said "wow."" "She thinks you'll be a good character witness." "Me ?" "Really ?" "Is it 'cause I'm... tall and have a handsome mustache ?" "She didn't mention that." "Probably because she's not into the Village People." "Even though you've got a bit of a checkered past, this list shows that you've really turned your life around." "Judges and juries eat that stuff up." "Well, tell her I'd be honored to be a witness." "I've never told the truth in court before." "We're talking about Joy's character." "Try not to tell too much of the truth." "I couldn't tell if Ruby liked me, or if she was touching me with her talking hands as punctuation." " But either way, I liked it." " Randy, I need your help." "I..." "You're going to wake them up." "This is the first time they've slept in three days." "Randy, he's getting ice cream on the carpet." "Touch them and you die." "I'm sorry." "I'm just a little frazzled." "What was it you need help with ?" "Well, I think I found the girl I'm supposed to share a tiny half-heart gold necklace with." "Is it the lanky girl that always does karaoke at the Crab Shack ?" "She was crawling towards you when she sang Like a Virgin." "Nope, it's Joy's deaf lawyer." "But I just don't know how to ask a deaf woman out." "Well, since she can't hear you, it doesn't matter what you say." "Just look cool while you're saying it, like this..." "For once I was excited to go down to the jail, 'cause it meant I got to see Ruby again." "Hey, how's Darnell holding up ?" "Darnell ?" "He's, uh..." "He's, uh..." "This crab is still alive." "I'll be right back with your soda." "Good, he's good." "I didn't want to worry Joy with how flat Crab Man's hair was." "Besides, I was more interested in looking cool for Ruby." "She wants to know any good stories that would make a jury feel sorry for Joy." "Oh, tell them how I had to put a towel over your chest during sex, so I wouldn't get rug burns." "That'll make them feel sorry for me." "No, no, no, no, no, no, no." "We can skip that." "Not if it helps out my case." "Oh, tell them how I had to listen to you cry about having those semi-gay dreams about that guy from 90210." "Uh, R-R-Ruby doesn't need to hear about that." "What do you care if she knows ?" "Oh, my God." "You want to jump her bones." "No, I don't." "Yes, you do." "Earl and my lawyer sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S..." "What are you doing ?" "Will you stop signing everything she's saying ?" "!" "I got this one, Doug." "My stupid ex-husband wants to do you." "That's okay." "Maybe we should talk about this over dinner." "Oh, my God." "You like him back." "Well, the good thing is you won't be able to hear his sex sounds." "It's happening, it's happening..." "Joy !" "Doug, I will take those hands away from you." "So me and Ruby went to dinner." "Since I'd never been on a date with a deaf lady before," "I wanted to be prepared." "I can read lips." "Yeah, I know, it's just that I'm going to be eating in a little bit and I didn't want you to have to stare at my chewed-up food." "Oh, okay." "Oh, uh, that's, uh..." "That's f-for later." "You know, just in case of hanky-panky." "Look, I'm sorry, let me get rid of that." "Hold on to this." "You never know." "Man !" "Something about her accent really turned me on." "And, later that night, she did more with my lips than just read them." "Yes." "Twice." "I was feeling good." "I had a job, my G.E.D., an apartment, and a hot, professional, deaf girlfriend." "And it was all 'cause of my list." "This shows such good character." "Well, I am a character witness." "You could cross this off." "Number 33: "Been a lazy lover."" "Well, thank you, Ruby." "That means "thank you."" "Now I can understand two things in sign language :" ""Thank you" and "Your knee is on my hair."" "My life was finally perfect, until Ruby read my list." "Hey !" "This is me." "Turns out, those little ethnic robot kids who sang "It's a Small World" weren't kidding." "A couple years ago, me and Randy found out there was a deaf person living in Camden." "We decided it would be really easy to rob her." "Randy, where did you go ?" "I got in !" "Whoo-hoo !" "Robbing the deaf !" "It wasn't me !" "I mean, it was me, but it was the old me, the preadult Earl." "You stole my cat." "Well, to be fair, the cat followed us." "This was a mistake !" "Well, I don't think it was a mistake." "I think it was beautiful." "In fact, it was one of the greatest nights I've ever had !" "But it doesn't matter, 'cause you can't hear a single word I'm saying right now." "Damn it." "This was it." "The big day." "Joy's trial." "And with her facing the possibility of going away for life," "I wanted to make sure the jury had a real good view of Darnell's droopy hair and the kids' sad little faces." "Oh, these are, uh..." "saved for some kids." "Uh, it's their mom's first trial." "It's kind of special." "I felt awful." "I hoped to be able to talk to Ruby at the trial, but it was clear she didn't want to talk to me." "Hey, Crab Man." "Hey, Crab Man." "I brought a Weeble for the judge to whack with his wood hammer." "I always wanted to see what made these things not fall down." "What happened to your nose ?" "Those kids are wild, Earl." "While I was sleeping, they shoved about 20 MMs up there." "He's been sneezing them out for the last hour." "They melt in your mouth, but not in your nose." "The kids were crazy, and Darnell was a mess." "This family was coming apart like a burrito without a tortilla." "And this family's tortilla could be going away for life." "Even with her future at stake, she still knew a mother's job was to make her kids feel comfortable." "Here, boys." "Saved you my pudding cups from my last two lunches." "Thanks." "Be seated." "This was it." "It was finally time for the trial to begin, and we needed everything to go perfectly." "Then Doug ate one of Darnell's lemon squares." "There's a razor blade in this !" "I'm sorry, baby." "I might have mixed up his batch of squares with yours." "Damn it !" "How am I supposed to keep my legs smooth ?" "And cut bitches ?" "Since Doug couldn't interpret for Ruby, we had to find a new translator." "We did find one but, well, she didn't speak English." "Which meant we had to have a translator for the translator." "We will prove Joy Turner is guilty." "My bad." "Not guilty." "I'm sorry." "My Mandarin is a little rusty." "Our defense team had Joy a little worried, and it didn't get better when the other team laid out their evidence." "15 sets of prints matching Joy Turner's." "Wow !" "So this is actually a security photo of the defendant running towards the truck 30 seconds before it was stolen." "Wow !" "She was there moments before the theft, and seemed threatening and menacing ?" "She was crazed." "And I'm not exaggerating." "I know crazy when I see it." "When I was a baby, my mother once tried to cook me." "She was baby-cooking crazy !" "Wow !" "We object !" "Luckily, what Ruby lacked in ears she made up for in brain power." "She discredited the fingerprints..." "And there were 16 other sets of unidentified prints on the car." "Now that is a "Wow !"" "And she discredited the witness." "Is it true that you have called the Camden Police Department three times in the past year to report a lizard in your kitchen ?" "It was a baby alligator." "It was a lizard !" "She even discredited the photos." "Do you know how many things can happen in the span of 30 seconds ?" "I may be a deaf woman, but even I can hear that these photographs scream, "Not guilty !"" "Damn, girl, did you see how red that prosecutor's face was ?" "He looked like President What's-His-Name probably did when he found out that intern kept that dress." "Yeah, that was great lawyering, Ruby." "I was really, really impressed." "Let's not get ahead of ourselves." "This is stupid." "Why don't you just talk ?" "Stop complaining." "Are you mocking me ?" "Just do your job." "Let's not get too excited." "Right now, the jury could still go either way." "It's still 50/50." "Ruby explained that the telltale sign of a jury on the fence was if they were taking notes." "Once they stopped and leaned back, they had made their decision." "We should get back in there." "Do you have any last-minute advice before I take the stand ?" "Yes." "Pretend you're not an ass." "Ruby, please." "Can we just talk about this ?" "I feel awful." "I'm not listening to you !" "Ruby didn't want to hear my excuses, but she made sure the jury heard everything I had to say about Joy." "And, even with a hangover, PMS and two infected tattoos," "Joy still managed to bring five buckets of KFC to Dodge's kindergarten graduation." "I could tell the jury was with me, so I just kept talking." "And, when our neighbor was sick, she fed his two dogs all week." "She would have fed his cat, but she didn't know he had one." "That wasn't her fault." "She knows all the words to "My Sharona."" "Floodwaters were up to here, and she was, like," ""Come on, dummy, you can stand on my car."" "She cried when Mr. Rogers died." "She's got a cool little song she does that helps her spell "Mississippi."" "She can yodel." "How she balanced that dead pony on two pairs of roller skates I will never know, but every single kid at that party got a ride." "When I saw the jury leaning back and smiling," "I knew my work was done." "And, on top of it all, she was born in the U.S. of A." "Thank you." "That was fun, huh ?" "Your witness, bitch !" "Oh, he's, uh..." "he's still learning English." "Afternoon, Mr. Hickey." " After..." " You said something that interested me." "Your relationship with Joy Turner had ups and downs ?" " Well, it was, uh... mostly up." " Was it an up... when she tried to strangle you with the laces from your own work boots ?" "Oh, I do..." "I don't think she was trying to kill me." "She was just showing me how she'd kill me if she was gonna kill me." "How do you know about that ?" "You told me." "911." "What's your emergency ?" "Oh, my God !" "You got to send help !" "She's trying to strangle me with one of my work boots !" "What the hell you need work boots for anyway ?" "You ain't got no job." "Joy, stop it !" "Stop it !" "I can't breathe !" "Help !" "Help !" "Wow !" "Oh, i-it seems worse than it was." "See, I was eating powdered doughnuts, and some sugar went down the wrong pipe." "I could see the jurors were starting to waiver again, even the guy with the mustache." "And we usually stick together." "911." "What's your emergency ?" "Hey, Carmen, it's Earl." "She got into the paint again." "There's a blue ring around her mouth, and" " she's coming after me with a hammer..." " We were working on a home improvement project." "She just stabbed me in the neck with a ballpoint pen !" "Does anyone there know if I'm supposed to leave it in or take it out ?" "For the first time," "I started to think Joy was really gonna spend the rest of her life in jail." "And I wasn't the only one." "I'm scared !" "I'm so scared !" "Please send someone soon !" "Everybody was thinking it." "And I felt terrible, because it was my words that were gonna put her there." "No, honey, this isn't the police." "Huh..." "I'm just ordering a pizza." "Yeah, yeah." "I'll have a pepperoni..." "No, not the face !" "Help !" "You got to stop it !" "And, as each jury person made up their mind, all I could think about was a nice family being torn apart." "For God's sake, hurry !" "There's only two closets in this trailer." "She's gonna find me !" "She pinned me down and put salt in my eyes !" "I don't know if she's here !" "I can't see !" "Joy, put down the lighter fluid." "No !" "She meant a lot to her family, and, well, she meant a lot to me." "Hey, Carmen." "Earl again." "You might want to bring the dogs this time." "She just hit a Girl Scout with a rock !" "Please hurry." "I'm hiding behind the trailer, but she's gonna see where the phone cord..." "Oh, my God !" "Here she comes !" "I think she's gonna throw a puppy at me !"