"Tale of Two Santas" "In true winter tradition, members of the Zarlon 7 Polar Bear Club  today took the plunge into a river of liquid ammonia." " There were no survivors." " It takes all kinds." "Now, with his annual message, here's the head of the Xmas Safety Council:" " The head of Walter Cronkite." " Season 's warnings." "This guy's too trustworthy." "What's his angle?" "In all the tinsel and terror of the holiday season  we underestimate that murderous brute known as Santa Claus." "With images of last year's Gingerbread Massacre baked into our memories  I remind you to bolt your doors, say goodbye to your pets  and lock your children in the closet." "This is Walter Cronkite saying, "I told you so."" "Sacred boar of Western Samoa!" "We must secure for Santa's arrival!" "Fine." "I'm getting tired of this wood show." "Cover that fireplace!" "I've only a few years to live." "I don't want to spend them dead." " We're pushing as hard as we can." " Oh!" "Pushing." "We're doomed." "Every year we're doomed." "Thanks be I had these bulletproof shutters installed." "[SCREAMS]" "Bring it on, Santa." "That vicious cadaver-junkie can't touch us as long as we're not stupid enough to leave this building." "In a related matter, you'll deliver this sack of letters directly to Santa at his death fortress on Neptune." "These letters are real butt-nutters." "Listen to this. "Dear Santa..."" "GIRL:" "Please, please don 't bring me any gifts." "The bicycle you fiired at me last year from your bike gun tore up my insides." "Awful!" "Let's read some more." ""Dear Santa..."" "BOY:" "Please bring me a coffiin for Grandpa." "You choked him with a chestnut last year, and he's beginning to smell." "In my day, Xmas was supposed to bring people together, not blow them apart." "Sure, but who's gonna do anything about it?" "Not us." "No, sir." "Yes, us." "We've got to bring back the kind of Xmas I remember." "Fry's right." "It's time to sit on Santa's lap, and hard!" "[MACHINE GUN FIRES]" "[DOGS BARKING]" "Look, a cute little welcoming party." " Want to buy a tiny kidney?" " I'll let you punch me for a buck." "Look, we've got mail for Santa." "Are you his elves?" " No, we're Neptunians." " We're tiny because he won't feed us." "You hit me." "You owe me a dollar." "[GROWLING]" "[GLASS BREAKING]" "Got any food?" "Old tea bags, chewed gum, apple cores?" " We're starving here!" " You live in a gingerbread house." " It's food or shelter, not both." " Don't you get paid for making toys?" " Who said toys?" "NEPTUNIANS:" "Toys?" "False alarm, folks." "There's no toys made." "Santa says everyone is naughty." "That's it!" "I'm delivering my boot up Santa's chimney." " Where is he?" " There, in his ice fortress." "We'll need help getting in." "Any volunteers?" " I'll help you." " Oh, phooey!" "[DOGS BARK "JINGLE BELLS"]" " An omen?" " Dinner." "[SANTA LAUGHS]" "Let's see who's been naughty and who's been naughty." "[MOANING]" "Mobsters beating up a shopkeeper for protection money." "Very naughty." "Shopkeepers not paying protection money." "Exactly as naughty." "I saw that!" "[WHEELS SQUEAKING]" " Huh?" " We brought your mail." "Don't you ever knock?" "Who knows what naughty things I could be watching?" " I get New Orleans on this thing." " Don't kill us!" "Santa's a robot." "We should be able to destroy him with a logical paradox." "Bender, you better cover your ears." "Holy night!" "Intruders!" "Hold it, Santa." "[HUMS]" "Consider this:" "You are programmed to destroy the naughty." "But many of those you destroy are in fact nice." "I submit that you are naughty." "So, logically, you must destroy yourself." "[BUZZING]" " Yay!" " Yay!" "Nice try, but my head was built with paradox-absorbing crumple zones." "[SCREAMING]" "[LASER FIRES]" "[BEEPS]" "Wait!" "This is what we're running from." "Faster!" "Faster!" "[YELLING]" "[ENGINE ROARS]" " Why aren't we moving?" " I don't know." "Usually when I do stuff like this the ship moves." "Ho, ho..." "Huh?" "[GRUNTS]" " He's trapped." " Hooray!" " Now we can make toys again!" " Toys!" "Toys!" "Toys!" "And I can deliver them." "Billions and billions in one night." " No human could do all that." " Evel Knievel could." " Nuh-uh." " Santa's right." "We need some sort of robot." "Crap!" "I'm some sort of robot." "NEPTUNIANS:" "Hooray!" "Hooray!" "Hooray!" "Bender can't be Santa." "He wasn't built to Yuletide specifications." "I wasn't built to steal Leela's purse either, but that didn't stop me." " Bender!" " Bow before your new Santa." "Our hero!" "We are free and fairly sober With so many toys to build" "The machines are kind of tricky Probably someone will be killed" "But we gladly work for nothing" "Which is good Because we don 't intend to pay" "The elves are back to work today Hooray" "We have just a couple hours To make several billion gifts" " And the labor isn 't easy" " Then you'll all work triple shifts" "You can make the job go quicker If you turn the controls to super speed" " It's back to work on Xmas Eve" " Hooray" "And though you're cold, sore and ugly Your pride will mask the pain" " Let my happy smile warm your hearts" " There's a toy lodged in my brain" "We are getting awfully tired And we can 't work any faster" "We're very, very sorry" "You selfiish little bastards The kids will think Santa is a jerk" "Then shut your yaps and back to work" "Now it's very nearly Xmas And we've done the best we could" " These are poorly painted" " And made from inferior wood" "I should give you all a beating But I have to fly" "If I weren 't stuck here I'd harpoon you in the eye" "Now it's back to our tenements To drown ourselves in rye" "You did the best you could Some of these gorillas are okay" " Hooray!" " We're adequate!" "The elves have rescued Xmas Day Hooray" "IN STUPID VOICE:" "Gee, how are you gonna get through these bars?" "IN NORMAL VOICE:" "I don't know, moron." "Suppose I bend them?" "IN STUPID VOICE:" "Okay." "Mommy!" "Santa's through the perimeter!" "Kids, take your suicide pills so you won't suffer!" "No, wait!" "I'm the good Santa." "I've got toys at reasonable prices." "He's the father of all lies and the uncle of all tricks!" " I've come bearing Tri-Ominos." " Go for the shins!" "Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!" "[GROANS]" "One down..." "Well, hello there, handsome." "Won't you have a cookie?" "Don't mind if I do." "What's in these things?" "Why don't you slip into something more fiery?" "Ow!" "Whoa!" "Ow!" "Ah!" "Ah!" "Ooh." "Ow." "Yo, Kringle, what happened to you, dog?" "It's awful, Kwanza-Bot." "Everyone hates me." "At least they understand you." "Nobody's down with this Kwanza tip." " Hey, maybe you can lend me a hand." " No time." "I gotta hand out the Kwanza book." "I've been giving these out for 647 years." "Bathtub eggnog, just the way Grandma used to drink." " Ew!" "It went sour!" " Can't I have a scented bath in peace?" "Remember, professor, Bender is Santa." "So we don't need to hurt him, right?" "Yes, yes, yes." "You sound like a broken MP3." "Ho, ho..." "Professor, don't you remember what I told you?" "No!" "There's gotta be a better way." "Bender, you're a genius." "This creates an unrealistic standard of beauty." "Now it's time for Santa to screw open his present." "It's Santa!" "We've got him cornered." " I smell a juicy promotion for me." " And a juicy rehiring for me." "Eh?" "Wha..." "This Xmas Day session of court will come to order." "Honorable Judge Whitey presiding." "Santa, you stand accused of crimes against humanity." "How do you plead?" " Not Santa." " There he is again!" "Now, Pramala, I know it's scary in the witness box." "But there ain't no need to fear me." "[CLUCKS]" "I'm sorry." "I thought you was corn." "Now, would you please point at that robot over there?" "[WHISPERING EXCITEDLY]" "No further questions." "[CHIRPING]" "Daddy done good, huh?" " Haven't you been paid to testify?" " You gave me a dollar and some candy." "Yet you haven't said what I told you to say." "How can we trust you?" " Quit badgering the witness." " Badger?" "Where?" "[CLUCKS]" "Whereas I have a ham dinner waiting for me at my mansion I find the defendant guilty." "[GASPING]" "Santa Claus, I hereby sentence you to be executed at sundown." "[GROANS]" "It's not fair." "I hope that dumb chicken is ashamed of himself." "[CROWS]" "Deactivated robot walking!" "Deactivated robot walking here!" "Santa, when you see the robot devil, tell him I'm coming." " That guy said to tell you..." " I heard him." "Greetings, masters." "My companion and I made lots of toys." "Out of my way." "We're taking Santa to prove Bender's innocence." "Do what you will, but we'll see who has the last ho." "[GRUNTING]" " There." " Oh, no!" "The ice is melting!" "The factory's pollution caused a greenhouse effect." " That would explain this heat." " And your shorts." "Yeah, that would explain it." "[SANTA GROANS]" "We've got to think of a way to save Bender, or Xmas will be ruined!" "Especially for Bender." "Look out, Earth." "I'm dreaming of a red Xmas." "[SANTA LAUGHS]" "Good old Maggie." "When I pull the switch, these electromagnets will tear you apart." " A most humane death." " But that doesn't sound humane!" "It is for the witnesses because it's not boring." "When this random-number generator reaches zero, you'll be executed." "Oh." ""Ten." "Three." "Twelve." "Three" again." " Stop the execution!" " Leela!" ""Fifteen." "Negative eight."" " I'll prove you've got the wrong Santa." " I'm Santa Claus!" "[GASPING]" " What? "Twenty-seven."" " No, I'm Santa Claus." " "Six"!" " We're also Santa Claus." "And I'm his friend, Jesus." "If you execute him, you have to execute all of us." "You people aren't Santa." "You're not even robots. "Ninety-one."" "How dare you lie in front of Jesus!" "Hey, "zero"!" "No!" "Not the magnet!" "Swing low Sweet chariot" "Coming for to carry me home" "Swing low..." " This is horrible." " But it's not boring." "SANTA:" "Ho, ho, ho." "My God!" "The real Santa!" "Get him, Jesus!" "I help those who help themselves." "Santa, you saved my life." "Please don't kill me!" "I'm not here to kill you, Bender." "I need you to help me save Xmas." "Gee whiz, Santa, you want me to help you?" " Don't do it!" "He's evil!" " I know he is, but I have no choice." "I'm late." "If I don't complete my brutal rampage, it just wouldn't be Xmas." "I guess what I'm asking is:" "Bender, won't you join my slaying tonight?" "Well, 'tis the season." "[SCREAMING]" " My hair!" " My wedding cake!" "Let it snow!" "Merry Xmas, kids." "[SCREAMS]" "This wangs chung." "After all the good we tried to do, Xmas turned out rotten." " No heat." " No power." "Huddled together in fear like lice in a burning wig." "Maybe your futuristic Xmas isn't so rotten after all." "What are you talking about?" "You said it yourself:" "Xmas should bring people together, not blow them apart." "Don't you see?" "Fear has brought us together." "That's the magic of Xmas." "That's a big crock of..." "[EXPLODING]" "Hold me!" "On, Trasher!" "On, Smasher!" " Kwanza-Bot, where you off to?" " Didn't you hear?" "Chanukah Zombie is having a luau." "You coming?" "Word!" "Here's a small token of my appreciation for being Santa while I was trapped." "Ooh-whoo-ooh-ooh." "Chief, you screwed up." "There's nothing here." "Oh, it might appear empty but the message is clear:" "Play Santa again, and I'll kill you next year!" "Ho, ho, ho!"