"I am General Wilkins, and this is the McArthur Outreach Survival Camp." "If any of you gentlemen are in the habit of running, well, good luck." "There are no fences here, no barbed wire, only 70 miles of rugged desert in all directions." "Perfect, don't you think?" "I think there has been a mistake." "Um..." "I am supposed to be at the First Baptist Bible Camp." "No, no, son." "There is no mistake." "You're in the right place, and I am your personal savior." "Gentlemen, you get caught outside the perimeter, you earn a day in the pipe." "Steal water, you earn a day in the pipe." "Be late for a meal, you get the pipe." "Next time you come up, don't forget the eggs." "You use a four-letter word, you're gonna get one long day in the pipe." "Stone, what is the current temperature in the pipe?" "One hundred and forty degrees, sir." "One hundred and forty." "Any questions?" "Wouldn't that be considered cruel and unusual punishment?" "Cruel... maybe." "Unusual... yeah." "Yeah, absolutely!" "I say you're breaking the law." "Let's get one thing straight, gentlemen." "I AM THE LAW!" "Now, do we have any more stupid questions?" "You'll find your uniforms at your assigned bunks." "Put them on!" "Keep them on!" "DISMISSED!" "MOVE IT!" "Go!" "Go!" "Kinda cruel, huh?" "What, what, what was that?" "The guard said he sleeps in his truck just on the other side of that hill." "Let's go." "What a dream." "This thing is a piece of crap!" "Just take it easy with it, okay?" "Man, this thing better not die on us." "# They say I gotta a learn a lesson today #" "# Yeah!" "#" "# Hey, hey, hey!" "#" "# They say I need a good punch in the face #" "# Yeah!" "#" "# Hey, hey, hey!" "#" "# They say I started something up #" "# I got mad at you #" "# And I revved you up #" "# But yeah, hey, hey ##" "Yes?" "Senator Boxwell?" "Speaking." "General Wilkins." "It is about your son, Justin." "He's AWOL." "Where are we, man?" "I am looking..." "I'm looking." "Seventy miles into the Mojave Desert and you lose him?" "What would you like us to do, Senator?" "Talk to me!" "Turn right onto Highway 6." "Are you sure?" "National Geographic thinks so!" "Are we tracking them yet?" "Satellites are coming in." "You think they're back there?" "If they are not, they will be." "Senator, I need an answer." "Find him, quietly." "You understand me?" "Yes sir, I'll uh, see to this personally." "You have my word." "Where is Highway 6?" "Apparently the map is older than the truck." "I don't get it." "According to this they are right behind us." "Where did you place the tracking devices?" "Inside their hats, sir." "So much for technology, Stone!" "Idiot!" "It's gotta be the same road." "Go right." "We went right last time." "Elder Johnson and Elder Talbot, this is President Andrews." "Your new assignment is to serve in the town of New Harmony." "It's been two years since the last missionaries were transferred out..." "This tape will self-destruct in six seconds so, you will need to be on your best behavior." "That is funny!" "Remember the mission..." "And of course, should you be captured and tortured by squirrel monkeys, this office will deny this mission ever existed." "Bishop Hollister has already..." "Squirrel monkeys?" "Yeah, squirrel monkeys." "...so, you'll be teaching..." "They exist!" "I've seen pictures." "You'll be doing a great work in this town, Elders." "I look forward to hearing from you after you have gotten settled." " What was that?" " Are you crazy?" "God speed, Elders." "There was a squirrel monkey in the road." "It is a good thing my cat-like reflexes and quick instincts kicked in." "Elder, we have been together long enough for me to know that there is nothing quick about you." "Hey Elder, I was kidding!" "Want to see what blessings have been bestowed?" "Oh, absolutely!" "Hooo, haha, haah!" "Oooho!" "Yeah!" "Oooho!" "Yeah!" "Wow!" "Man, you've got one amazing girlfriend." "It's from my sister." "Oh." "Is she writing anyone?" "She's 12." "Well, when I'm 28." "Let it go, Elder!" "Ha haa." "Catholic!" "Disgusting!" "Gluttony's a sin, Elder!" "I will just assume you are warming that one up for later." "Ha ha ha." "Which way are we going, General?" "That's just great!" "The carburetor is completely clogged." "We got $300 dollars, okay?" "That's good enough for two bus tickets." "Do you see a bus station around here?" "We are in the middle of the Mojave Desert." "So can't you fix it?" "If I had a set of tools and ten gallons of carburetor cleaner." "I am just trying to help." "I'm just trying to think of a plan." "I just need to relax." "We're dead." "We're dead?" "We're dead?" "Why you gotta be so negative all the time?" "Open your eyes, T!" "We are in the middle of a very big desert." "You know what?" "Our luck could change, man." "All right?" "You know how I feel about swearing, T?" "Luck is a four-letter word, and I'd prefer you stop using it!" "That's what I'm talkin' about, all that negativity, man!" "You need to chill out!" "You sound more like the General every day." "# Till we meet, till we meet #" "It's still a four-letter word." "# God, be with you till we meet again ##" "Be cool." "Be cool." "Hey, guys." "What's wrong with your friend?" "Twinkies and this heat." "Bad combination." "What are you guys, salesmen?" "Um, not exactly." "We're missionaries for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, you know, the Mormons?" "I thought you guys rode bikes." "Do you know the purpose of life?" "Do you?" "Actually, yes, it's..." "How old are you, Elder Johnson?" "Nineteen." "You look 14." "Well, I, I'm not." "Elders have to be 19, and sisters have to be 21 before we come out." "Come out?" "To spread the gospel of repentance, and to brings souls to Christ." " Look, Johnson..." " Elder Johnson." "Whatever." "Don't waste your time on guys like us." "We are not good candidates for the priesthood." "Oh, but you're wrong." "I mean, all you have to do is open your hearts and listen to the spirit." "I think one of those spirits has got your friend." "If you have any questions, uh, just call that number." "We'll send you a free video." "You can call when you get to a phone, and watch it when you get to a VCR." "Elder, are you all right?" "No, I am not all right." "Give me something, man!" "Not another word, Elder." "Come on." "Shirt... pants... shoes..." "Toothbrush?" "Don't touch that thing." "You don't know where that thing has been." "These guys must live in their car, man!" "What else is in there?" ""Today was the most special day of my life." "My mom cried when she dropped me off at the MTC."" "The MTC?" "Oh, that must be the Mormon Tabernacle Choir." "I'll betcha those guys can really sing." "Hold on a minute, okay?" "Ha ha!" "Grrr!" "Grrr!" "Grrr!" "Why'd you do that?" "This isn't a time to be playing around." " Okay, be serious." " I am serious." "Oh, yeah?" "Well, what's the plan, huh?" "Isn't it obvious?" "The General is lookin' for you and me right now." "Right?" "But, nobody's looking for two missionaries." "No." "Ha ha... yes!" "Officer." "It took you guys awhile to pull over." "Is something wrong with the car?" "Yes, as a matter of fact." "Elder Talbot, here, fell on the shifter, and it stuck in neutral." "I've been expecting you two for quite some time." "Look officer, we don't want any trouble." "Yeah." "Okay." "Hello, it's me." "I've got 'em." "Absolutely." "No problem." "All right, Elders, come with me." "I'll give you a ride into town." "Are you taking us into custody?" "Yeah, right." "Good one, Elders." "Come on!" "Maybe they just needed the car, and they wanted to pay for it." "Maybe in their hurry of stealing the car, they forgot it." "Well, what are we going to do?" "I am gettin' hungry." "Consider it manna from heaven." "I'd rather die!" "Well, that is a distinct possibility." "We'd better get going." "I, uh, I think we should just stay right here." "Elder, we haven't seen a single car all day." "That's because it's been really hot, Elder." "Maybe the cool air will bring the people out." "Oh!" "Hey, everybody!" "It's nice and cool now!" "COME ON OUT!" "I'm going." "I'm staying." "If you're staying here, you're staying here all alone." " Fine." " Fine." " Bye." " Bye." "Look on the bright side, Elders." "Some people never get to ride in a patrol car." "Some of us consider it home, 'cuz I know I do." "Uh, what's that Elder?" "Nothing, officer." "He is just, he's just a little tired." "Don't worry about the car." "We'll make sure it gets to the repair shop." "You should have it soon." "Thank you, officer." "What's the plan now, smart guy?" "Welcome to New Harmony, Elders." "Thank you, sir." "I am Bishop Hollister." "Hi." "I am Elder Talbot, sir." "Yeah." "And, you must be Elder Johnson." "Yes, sir, I'm Elder Johnson." "I haven't heard so many sirs since I was in the army." "Sorry... sir." "Where's your car?" "It broke down." "That cop said he would get it to us soon." "Ah, well, Brother Sorensen is a good man." "How, uh, how are you fixed for funds?" "Elder Talbot misplaced our stash." "Yeah, collection... our congregational collection." "Uh, I'll tell you what." "Why don't you go inside the diner, show 'em your badges, and they'll, uh, they'll put it on my tab." "In the meantime, I'll put your bags in the truck." "Go on in." "He seems like a nice guy." "Have you ever met a mean Mormon?" "# You said the other night #" "# That we were through #" "# But you keep coming over like our love is new ##" "Hello?" "Anyone here?" "I'll be right with you, just take a seat." "You see that?" "Lady Luck staring us right in the face." "Gee, there must be a whole nine bucks in there." "I hope that guy hurries." "I'm starvin'." "Sorry." "We're back there chopping up onions." "The real waitress will be with you as soon as she can compose herself." "So, what'll it be?" "Uh, a double cheeseburger, and you can hold the onions." "Oh... well, thank you, brother!" "Ha ha!" "What are you two, salesmen?" "No, man." "We're missionaries." "Read the nametag." "I'll be glad to read your nametag." "Elder "Talbot."" "Hmmm... okay, ha ha." "So, let's move on." "Uh, can I get a, uh, club sandwich?" "CLUB SANDWICH!" "And a couple of Cokes." "AND A COUPLE OF COKES!" "Fountain's down." "Fountain's down-- so water is just going to have to do for you fellas." "Okay." "Well, all right!" "Hello, Sarah." "Oh, hey, Bishop." "Sorry to barge in so late." "I see you've met the missionaries." "Oh, I didn't know they were the missionaries." "Well, come around and say, "Hi."" "Elders, this is Sarah Covington." "She owns the diner." "Didn't you guys order Cokes?" "Yeah, he said that the fountain was down." "Mormons don't drink Coke." "Now, Sarah, you know that's not altogether true." "Missionaries, on the other hand..." "Elder Johnson, you're gonna have to shake that Coke habit." "It's starting to create problems." "Gee, thanks, Elder Talbot." "Is there anything else that I am not supposed drink?" "Well, besides the Coca-Cola products, we Mormons don't drink coffee, or beer, and uh, we definitely don't smoke, and no poker on Fridays." "Just follow the Word of Wisdom, and you'll be fine, Elders." "That's right, wise words of wisdom." "Welcome to New Harmony, Elders." " You boys ever been to Australia?" " No." "Don't go there." "They're mean as hell there." "My grandson, my great-grandson, got shot at five times." "I thought they liked Americans." "They'd as soon shoot a Mormon as listen to one." "Ahh, Sister Cutbank," "I'm sure there are a lot of great people there." "Otherwise the Lord never would have sent Timmy down there." "Ahhh, horse sh..." "Apples?" "Timmy is a pain in the butt, and he deserves a little hot lead in that same area." "Let's get in before we get drenched." "Well, Elders, this is it." "A place to sleep, a place to wash up." "Uh, this is very nice, Sister Cutbank." "Well, if you need anything come by the main house." "And, oh..." "look out for Rusty." "Rusty?" "The goat." "You have a pet goat?" "I do for now." "It's more of a darn pain than Timmy was." "Shall we pray?" "That's a wonderful idea." "Elders?" "Elder Talbot, I think that a prayer would be very appropriate." "Oooh, uh, Bishop?" "Would you like to lead us this evening?" "I'd be honored." "Dear Heavenly Father, we are grateful for our new elders' arrival this day in safety..." "Yes, truly grateful, Lord." "We hope this place will be a sanctuary for them, free from the powers of evil..." "A sanctuary, Lord, no evil." "In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen." "Amen, ah, ha ha!" "Man." "Whew." "That's the way it outta be." "You seem to be very excited about the work." "Uh, yeah, it's my Baptist upbringing, sir." "Well, you boys better get some sleep." "No rest for the righteous, son." "You've got a big day tomorrow." "What do you mean?" "Uh, he means we better go to bed, 'cuz we gotta preach come sun up." "Of course." "Bingo!" "Uh, well, thank you so much, Sister Cutbank, for lettin' us stay." "Oh sure." "Now, don't be surprised in the morning if you hear Old Blossom choking." "She's just clearing her pipes." "I love this whole farm thing." "It's cool." "See you first thing." "I'd rather not." "Uh, bears or bunnies?" "Bunnies." "Bears." "Yeah." "About time you got out here." "Don't start with me, Daren." "I'm tired, and how many times have I told you to stay off my hood?" "Hey, I stay out here all night to make sure you make it out to your car safely." "This is all I get?" "Thanks, I'm safe." "Now get off." "Oh, who peed in your coffee?" "Or, should I say, "Hot chocolate?"" "Shut up." "No coffee?" "No tea?" "How about a little me?" "We're not boyfriend-girlfriend anymore." "Do I need to staple a reminder to your forehead?" "You used to be remotely interesting before you got all religious." "You are a mistake for any girl, religious or not." "You know, I saw your two new missionary dorks in there." "You are so observant." "I been thinking about throwing a little welcoming party." "Don't." "Too late, sweet thing." "Already in the works." "I'll send you an invitation." "You're a jerk." "Fifteen, 16, 17, 18-- 18 bucks." "Gimme the two fives." "Gimme the two fives!" "Look man, don't screw this up." "You got us covered, right?" "Yes." "What do you think?" "What do you think, huh?" "Whew, you look like one sad cowboy." "I don't know why you waste your time on her." "You see anybody else around here that merits wasting time on?" "You gotta be 21 to come in here." "Thanks for the reminder." "What'll it be?" "I'll get a beer in the bottle?" "I hate this game." "You next?" "Um... sure." "What'll it be... 8 ball, 9 ball?" "Uh, well, the only one I know is Solids 'N Stripes." "We call that "Eight Ball."" "You wanna light the break?" "Light what?" "I'll break." "I haven't seen you around here before." "I haven't been around here before." "You be glad." "Just passin' through, huh?" "Like a bad burrito." "Your turn, cowboy." "Name's Justin." "I'm Daren." "This is David." "You guys brothers?" "Yeah, we got three more monkeys just like him back home." "Must be somethin' in the water, huh?" "Wait." "What?" "Take the straight on the 12-- you'll be set up for the 10?" "I think I like this one right here." "Oh, I didn't even see that." "Rack 'em." "What's that?" "I lost." "In fact, you did." "But, I'll tell you what." "This one is on me, but next one's $10." "You break it." "But, I just lost." "Well, let's just call it a little New Harmony hospitality." "Well, you hit from there, you're gonna scratch." "Shut up!" "Is that good?" "Huh?" "Fifty-five, 60, 62 dollars!" "They musta been pissed!" "And..." "I got these!" "Ooooh, okay." "Inside rear bumper." "Good work." "Good work." "What are we waiting for?" "Well, isn't it a little hot right now?" "Those missionaries are going to be here soon." "We gotta get outta here." "It's a long walk across the desert." "Maybe they got picked up an' called the cops?" "Hey, maybe." "For all they know, we went to Mexico." "The last place they'll look at is New Harmony." "Yeah." "Maybe." "Besides, dude, $62 won't get us far." "Yeah." "Ahhh." "Check this out." "Did you know that missionaries aren't allowed to date?" "Wow, that's a shocker." "Absolutely no contact with members of the opposite sex." "Neat." "Turn out the lights." "One of us has to read mission rules in this companionship, so you need to relax." "Flirting or dating is not tolerated." "You are not to telephone, write to, or accept calls or letters from anyone of the opposite sex living within or near mission boundaries." "You check that out;" "that's serious." "We're, uh, Senator, we're 140 miles from the nearest town." "Yes, sir." "I told you I would personally find them, and I will, Senator." "Good night, sir." "We didn't get very far." "It would have been nice for one of us to remember water before taking off." "Well, the coffee can was a good idea." "We'll see ya in the morning." "Why'd you come on a mission, Elder Johnson?" "Prospects for marriage are far greater for returned missionaries, and it was the right thing to do." "What about you?" "Girlfriend." "Wow, she must be pretty special." "Ooooh yeah, real special." "She was fetching' engaged six weeks after I left..." "Bummer!" "to my brother." "Sorry." "That hurts!" "That hurts even worse!" "It was like, my parents, they were so excited about it." "They were?" "How could they be?" "Well, my brother is like 42." "They thought it'd get him to move out." "He still lived at home?" "Well, we shared a room." "C'mon baby... you can do it, honey, ol' Blossom." "Rise and shine, Elders, takin' the active runway." "Come on!" "Weeeee!" "Ah ha ha hahaa!" "Whew!" "ORDER UP!" "French toast, two short stacks, over easy." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "How you holdin' up?" "Oh, I'm as good as gold, darlin'." "Sorry it took so long, Elders." "There you go." "Anything else?" "Uh, yeah, coffee, black." "Very funny." "This place is like a cash cow." "Are you always this busy?" "Yes, and it usually runs a little smoother." "You can smell the money over the grease." "Then you should hire more help." "My mom handled crowds for 20 years without missing an order." "People waiting on their food." "Get a goin' now." "I better go." "Can't upset the cook!" "Wow!" "She looks a lot different." "You are so clueless, man." "What?" "What did I do?" "It's what you didn't do, man." "When a girl gives you an opening that big, you take it!" "What?" "When?" "Like the whole mom thing." "You shoulda been like, "Your mom must be pretty special." "When can I meet her?"" "That's not somethin' I'd ever say." "Oh, and what would you say, Romeo?" "I'd ask her why her mom wasn't here helping' out?" "Wrong." "What if she's sick with some terrible disease?" "Then she'd tell me she is sick with some terrible disease." "Yeah, and then you say, "I'm so sorry."" "And then she'd know how sensitive I am." "Then she'll start crying, rushing to the back room." "Nice job, Johnson." "Why are we having this conversation?" "We can't date!" "OJ?" "Is that a Coca-Cola product?" "It's Minute Maid." "I'm tryin' to help Elder Johnson keep his words of wisdom, and I'm afraid it is." "What?" "We'll have to pass." "Thank you!" "Where're you from, Elder?" "Uh, I'm uh, I'm from the South." "Oh yeah?" "What part of the South?" "California." "I grew up in the South, and we never heard about California bein' part of it." "Well, there's two parts to California... one is the North, and one is the South." "And I'm from the South." "Should I be takin' notes, Romeo?" "Our ride's here." "Those are the clowns I hustled at the pool hall." "Can we please have it to go, please?" "Yeah, we were supposed to meet the pastor ten minutes ago." "Here you go." "Sorry you're late." "Elders, wait." "Come on, I'll give you a ride to Bishop Hollister's place." "No, that's okay, we can walk." "Don't be ridiculous." "It'll take you two hours to get there walking." "Get in." "Is that guy a friend of yours?" "What guy?" "Daren?" "How did you know his name?" "I, uh, overheard the waitress." "Oh, so he's your boyfriend." "Daren Burnett is the biggest jerk in three counties." "We grew up together." "He wouldn't stop asking me out, so I went out with him." "He is unstable, and I learned" "I wanted more out of life than football and beer parties." "So, that's where you found Jesus?" "You know, you guys aren't like typical missionaries." "You think this has traces of coffee in it?" "Even if there is, the ox is in the mire, wouldn't you say?" "Oh yeah, sure." "I once I pretended to be sick on Super Bowl Sunday so my mom would take me to the doctor's so I could watch the game in the waiting room." "She said, "The ox was in the mire."" "I still feel really bad about that." "That story makes no sense, Elder." "But I know what you mean." "I waited at your place for more than an hour." "I am sorry, Bishop." "We completely lost track of time." "Where you been?" "It was my fault, sir." "I was, I wanted to stop at the diner." "I am sure Sarah is thankful for the business, but Sister Cooley needed a blessing." "She is having a baby next week, and she's not doing well." "It won't happen again, sir." "Elders, good missionaries have dedication and commitment." "And this town needs good missionaries." "Well, what would you like us to do, Bishop?" "Why don't you go back to town;" "do some tracting?" "Go where the spirit leads you, Elders." "Uh, right, that good ol' spirit leading' the way!" "Say, Sarah, can we catch a ride back to, uh, town." "Yeah." "Wrong spirit, Elder." "It is no big deal, Bishop." "I don't mind." "Elder Talbot, what is the rule on riding in cars with single sisters?" "Are you talking about attractive sisters or unattractive sisters, Bishop?" "We are not allowed to ride in cars with single sisters." "I am sorry, Bishop, I guess I didn't think about it." "It doesn't look too good when two missionaries are riding around with a very attractive sister." "You guys know the way back?" "We'll be fine." "All right, never enter a home of a single sister." "When the father is away from the home..." "Man, tell me what we can do." "This place is worse than the camp." "Well at least we could drink a Coke, or have a cup of Joe and ride in cars with girls." "There were no girls at our school." "Back up, back up, back up!" "Back up!" "Back up, back up!" "Back up!" "Aaaaahhhh!" "Okay." "Okay." "All right." "Enough." "Enough." "Six miles in under two hours." "Not bad." "Throwing lemons too." "You know, you can learn a lot about a town just by walkin' its roads." "Yeah, we saw lots of lemons." "Ha ha." "Come on." "I wanna show you something." "What about that tracting you wanted us to do?" "We'll get to that later." "Come on, get in." "Well, here we are." "Did you ride horses when you were a kid?" "Yeah, once." "That wasn't a horse;" "that was a mule." "Fellas, come on in." "You've never ridden a horse?" "Dude, how many black cowboys have you seen?" "Elders, I'd like you to meet my good friend," "Reginald Steedman." "That's the first." "You guys ready for some work?" "Work?" "As in "work"" "or are we talkin' about the Lord's work?" "Brother Steedman and I have made a deal." "Every time you clean out his stalls, he'll listen to one of the discussions." "That seemed pretty fair." "How many discussions are there?" "You don't even want to know that." "Elders, I've never seen cleaner stalls." "Eight o'clock tonight." "What's at 8 o'clock?" "You cleaned my stalls, I'll let you teach me a lesson." "Great." "Eight o'clock." "That's less than two hours." "Okay, Elders, go ahead." "We had a deal." "Yeah, go ahead, Elder Johnson." "It's your lesson." "Help a brother out." "Okay, just pick one of those lessons." "He's not going to know if it is right." "Uh, your body is a temple." "Yes, it's a very big temple." "No, no unclean thing should be partaken of to defile our body." "The Lord revealed to Jordan Smith that we should refrain from strong drink, tobacco, and out-of-date meat." "Don't you mean Joseph Smith?" "Exactly!" "He always gets it wrong." "And, and, if you obey these wise words of wisdom, ye shall walk and not faint, run and not fall down." "Isn't it, out-of-season meat?" "Yes, but, uh, it can be interpreted to mean past the expiration date shown on the packages of the meats." "Yeah, what does strong drink mean?" "Well, um, let's, let's, let's see." "Well?" "Strong drinks:" ""Not for the belly but for washing of our bodies." ""And again, tobacco is not good for man" ""and is an herb for bruises and sick cattle to be used with judgment and skill."" "Where does that come from?" "Well, it says revelation given to Joseph Smith, the prophet, at Kirtland, Ohio, February 27, 1833." "That's almost 200 years ago." "That's pretty forward thinking." "Uh, yeah, J. Smith was no dummy, you know." ""Please help us." "We're heading west." "Elders Johnson and Talbot."" "So, Elder Johnson, successful day?" "Yeah, we uh, we did some preaching', if that's whatcha mean." "Have you always been a member of the church?" "No." "Why?" "'Cuz you do some of the strangest things." "Like ordering Coke when I shouldn't have?" "I have just noticed there are things you do, aren't typical of the missionaries I've known." "Well, considering where I've been in my life," "I think that I'm doin' pretty good as a missionary." "Okay, that came out wrong." "I'm not judging you." "I just find it nice." "Nice?" "Yeah, nice that you're different." "Do you realize if my last name was Elder," "I'd be "Elder Elder."" "And if I was a woman I'd be "Sister Elder."" "That's confusing, isn't it?" "What is it with you and bathrooms?" "Every time you come out you're like a genius." "But if I had an older sister in the same mission, you'd say, "Sarah, this is Elder Elder," ""and this is Elder Elder's eldest sister, Sister Elder." "Elder Elder, Sister Elder, this is Sarah."" "That's kinda cool, isn't it?" "Why don't you be the dumb waitress and leave the deep thinking to us?" "Elder Elder." "Elder Elder, Sister Elder." "What was that supposed to mean?" "What?" "The "dumb waitress" bit?" "I don't know, I've met some pretty dumb waitresses on the outside that is, but, not you, of course." "My mom was a waitress her entire life." "And I am sure she's probably a very special person." "When can I meet her?" "She is dead." "Sarah, wait..." "I'm sorry, I didn't know." "Why don't you concentrate on being the insensitive missionary, and I'll concentrate on being the dumb waitress." "Nice timing." "We gotta get outta here before I go crazy." "Elders, I need your help." "Someone else have some stalls that need cleaning'?" "It's Brother Steedman." "There's been an accident." "He was unconscious when they found him." "I don't understand." "We were just with him." "The first thing he said when he woke up was he wanted to see the missionaries." "Now, do you have consecrated oil with you?" "What?" "Consecrated oil, that's why we're here." "I'd like to give Brother Steedman a blessing." "No, we don't, Bishop." "We must have left it in the car." "Well, I have some in my truck." "Uh, you two go inside." "A blessing?" "Do you know what he is talking about?" "Yes, and there is no way we can bluff our way through it." "Brother Steedman." "Elders!" "Well, I'm very glad you came." "What happened?" "Well, I don't really know." "I was on the fence;" "the next thing I remember I was staring at the clouds." "So, what did the doctor say?" "Well, they are doin' a whole bunch of tests-- nothing so far." "Okay, that's a good thing then." "You know, I had a dream." "I saw some things that made me think about you two." "It kinda scared me." "If it's that whole out-of-date meat thing, you know, we can review that whole..." "Ever since I met you two, something's a little, well..." "Maybe some, you know, some reading material... will uh, help you clear your mind?" "Ha ha, huh." "You two did a great job taking care of my horses." "Please take care of my place until I get back home." "Now, I know it's a big responsibility, but I am sure you two can handle the job." "Tomorrow's feed day, so you're gonna have to take my truck and go into town and load up for the week." "No, but I'm afraid that that is not gonna work." "Bishop Hollister's set up a lot of appointments, and we are sorta committed." "Well, I've already spoken to him." "He said he could work things out as long as it's okay with you." "We'll do it." "I knew I could count on you two." "How are you?" "I'm doin' okay." "You guys are going to have to excuse me." "Uh, I have the consecrated oil." "What about the blessing?" "Excuse me, I have to be with my companion." "I'm sorry about that." "Look, you can't leave me here." "We're a team, remember?" "Look, Elder." "Tyler..." "We got wheels, we got cash, and agreed to leave when we had both." "So don't give me the guilt trip." "Are you comin' or not, huh?" "We are supposed to stay together." "It's mission rules." "We're not missionaries!" "We're delinquents, serial #43769." "Look, I think we are somewhere in between." "The only reason why anybody gives us attention is because they think that we are missionaries." "If they knew who we were, they'd run us outta town." "Look, I just think it's time we stopped running, Justin." "Hey, running's my life." "Why?" "Well, let's see." "It started when my dad didn't show up to my championship baseball game." "Yeah, I was seven." "According to my counselor," "I'm in desperate need of some attention." "So, I run." "I have to." "It's who I am." "It's not who you are;" "it's what you do." "Blah, blah, blah." "What am I supposed to say?" "Tell them that I got sick." "I had to go home." "The last missionaries up and left." "So, why can't we?" "What am I supposed to tell Sarah?" "No, don't do this man." "The children of Israel wandered in the desert for 40 years before they found the promised land." "Is that supposed to motivate me?" "Nah, it's just a little trivia is all." "Well, the tallest donut ever was like over 30-foot high and weighed almost 600 lbs." "It took ten guys three days to eat it" "Do you know that because you were one of the ten?" "Shouldn't we have stayed at the rest stop?" "Absolutely not." "This is going to make great material for my homecoming talk." "Assuming we live." "Elder Johnson," "Yeah?" "...if I die, you can eat me!" "No thanks." "I hit my cholesterol max with the Twinkies." "No, come on, really." "My parents would totally understand." "No." "No, um, I'm uh, a vegetarian." "Good, the wolf will eat me then." "I realize we had burgers yesterday, but as of right now I am a vegetarian." "Okay, that's cool." "Elder Johnson?" "Is something wrong?" "Where's Elder Talbot?" "He is, uh, in the truck." "He's asleep." "That's the Steedman's truck." "Yeah, yeah, he, uh, he asked us to take care of his place while he was in the hospital." "Well, what happened?" "The doctors aren't sure." "They said not to worry." "I didn't want to bother you, so I was just-I was just gonna leave this note on your jeep." "What's it say?" "Just that um, we'll be at the Steedman place if you need to get ahold of us." "It's a little weird seeing you in normal clothes." "Yeah." "Heh." "If feels kinda weird too." "It feels too much like home." "Listen, I'm sorry about what I said earlier." "You mean about me being a dumb waitress?" "I didn't say that you were dumb." "We get it all the time." "People see the uniform, but they don't see who's inside." "I guess waitresses and missionaries have got a lot in common then." "Yeah, I guess we do." "So, do you like it here in New Harmony?" "What's not to like?" "Everybody knows everybody." "It's quiet most of the time." "We're one big, big family." "Not a day goes by that I don't think about going someplace else." "There's a whole world out there" "I know nothing about." "Yeah, well, most of it isn't worth knowing." "I guess you see both sides from being a missionary." "Yeah." "Yeah, I guess I do." "And I kinda like what I see here in New Harmony." "Right." "Well, I uh,--I better go." "You know, that whole opposite sex thing." "Elder Johnson?" "Yeah?" "Good night." "Good night." "Beautiful Sunday morning, and it's great to be alive!" "Ha ha, ha ha!" "Need some help?" "Huh?" "It was the girl, wasn't it?" "No!" "Not even." "Yeah, right." "Not EVEN!" "I came back to save you!" "Yeah, right." "Remember the Donner Party?" "Wrong season, Elder." "You must survive at all costs to carry on my legacy." "I'm not eating you, Elder Talbot." ""And if you labor all your days and save but one soul, how great shall be your joy in my Father's kingdom."" "I'm still not eating you." "Ha ha ha ha!" "Don't start without me, Bishop." "Brothers and sisters, we've had a wonderful meeting here today." "And in closing," "I'd like to invite Elder Talbot and Elder Johnson, our new missionaries, to come up here and introduce themselves to you and to bear their testimonies." "Elders?" "This oughta be interesting." "Good morning, brothers and sisters." "Good morning, I'm Elder Johnson, and my partner, Elder Talbot." "We are here straight from the MTC, the Mormon Tabernacle Choir." "# Amazing grace #" "But, it, it's good to be here, in New Harmony." "# ...how sweet #" "I'm from California, and my companion is from a small town in Idaho." "...where the nation vacations." "This is the Lord's work." "You saints of New Harmony are awesome." "Uh, yeah, we're still, we're still workin' on that." "Absolutely." "Can I get an amen?" "Amen." "Can I get an amen?" "Amen!" "Amen." "# There are people on this street #" "# Who give us somethin' to eat #" "# Hey ya, hey ya #" "# They could use some company #" "# Have a laugh or shoot the breeze #" "# Hey ya, hey ya #" "# And do you ever stop to stare #" "# Or take the time to care?" "#" "# Hey ya, hey ya #" "# And what about the lonely man next door #" "# Do you think he is tired of bein' bored?" "#" "# Come on, come on #" "# So many people are reaching out #" "# Looking for brighter days #" "# When you help someone in need #" "# Get them back up on their feet #" "# Take a brother by the hand #" "# He'll become a friend #" "# Then there's a circle without end #" "# Turning strangers into friends #" "# With every kindness you are blessed #" "# Brings you real happiness #" "# The circle of love," "# Comes back to you the more you give it #" "# Love ##" "Oh dude, if I have to eat one more scoop of mashed potatoes." "Today was the longest day of my life." "Well, aside from my stomachache, I thought it felt pretty good." "Definitely worth a journal entry, ya know?" "What are you doin'?" "I'm writin' in my journal." "But it's not even your journal." "Why don't you worry about going to sleep, and I'll worry about writing in my journal, okay?" "That's it." "It's over." "So much for my legacy." "They've come for us!" "You boys like a drink of water?" "You got any yoohoo?" "Milk?" "Some skim milk?" "Who are you guys anyway?" " We're missionaries." " From the booklet..." "Do you know the purpose of life?" "'Cuz I do." "I definitely do." "Sorry to put you boys out, but we're on official business." "Thanks for the ride." "Call the number on this card." "They'll send you a free video." "Let me know if you find out the meaning of life." "Oh, but, we, we have!" "That is... the point." "It's in the book." "I tried to tell..." "Okay." "Bye." "Ah... civilization." "So dramatic." "You make it sound like we were gone for a month." "I'm starving." "Let's find a restaurant." "We still got some Twinkies." "Come on, delicious, tasty, golden, delicious..." "Okay, you're gonna make me vomit." "...and it's got the filling with the creaminess." "Come on, one Twinkie?" "He is pretty cute." "In fact, they both are." "They are missionaries." "I've seen the way you've been lookin' at him." "Don't be ridiculous." "What would you do if he wasn't a missionary?" "I'm not playin' your little game." "So, when are you going to start dating again?" "You know, I know four priests who'd go out with you." "Stop this." "What?" "It's true." "Come on, let me set you up so you can have fun." "I'm not having this conversation." "So, how many priests are in this town?" "About 15, but only 5 are active." "Eighteen teachers and 21 deacons." "You're allowed to date priests?" "They can date priests but not deacons." "Teachers aren't supposed to, but some do." "Ick, teachers are so immature." "Not as bad as some of the elders I know." "I think I'm getting a headache." "With only one week to election day, polls are suggesting that Senator Boxwell is a shoe-in." "The man can do no wrong." "It's come down..." "Will you turn that up?" "You guys aren't supposed to watch TV." "Senator, what do you attribute your last term's incredible success to?" "Well, aside from hard work," "I'd have to say a very loving and supportive family." "Your daughters are adorable." "It's nice to see such a strong family man representing our great state." "Thank you very much." "And regardless of what happens next week, Christine," "I know I'll always have a loving and supportive family." "There you have it Bob, Roy Boxwell, a great senator and a great..." "You all right, man?" "Yeah, can I get Roy Boxwell, please?" "This is Justin." "Look, he knows who I am." "Yes, well put him through." "Justin, where are you?" "I am in the middle of the desert, right where you sent me." "What do you want... money?" "I don't need your money." "Then what?" "I saw your little TV interview today." "You're quite the family man these days." "Justin, tell me where you are so we can talk." "Nice try, Senator." "Justin, let me send someone for you." "You wanna send someone to get me?" "Yes, I do." "Let me have your pen." "See you around, Roy." "Justin!" "Justin!" "What?" "Look, I'm on the last week of my reelection campaign, don't screw this up." "What was that all about?" "Hello?" "Yes, is Justin there?" "No, nobody named Justin." "Tell me, where is this phone located?" "It's a pay phone inside the New Harmony Diner." "New Harmony?" "Who is this?" "All right, thank you very much." "Get General Wilkins on the phone for me." "How did you know?" "Half the camp knew you were related to some politician." "Now I know which one." "Not a word, okay?" "Please?" "Why can't we get this in the open?" "It's not a good idea." "What's the worst that can happen?" "To him?" "To him, probably nothing'!" "He would claim he was helping out some troubled kid and walk away smelling like a rose." "Then why'd you call him?" "I couldn't just sit back and let him get away with all that family-man crap, okay?" "He's a liar." "Face it, man!" "Okay, your dad's a politician." "He is not the ideal family man, but so what, who cares?" "You got your own life, man!" "Justin, I mean that." "You got your own life, dude." "So then let's go." "It's you and me just like we planned." "Actually, I'm sorta likin' what's happening around here, man." "Huh... you, you mean this missionary stuff?" "Yeah." "Yeah!" "I mean, it's not my style, but I just like it-- it's fun." "I guess I just like helping people, you know?" "Hey, you listen to me." "The fuse is lit, all right?" "The real elders are coming." "I know, I know." "So let's go while we still can!" "Come on!" "Something's just telling me we shouldn't." "Ha, ha, it's the cafe food talking', all right?" "I can't deny the way I feel, man." "We cannot stay here forever, okay, Elder Talbot?" "We'll leave when the time is right." "I swear!" "I swear on the Bible and the Book of Mormon." "You're so stupid." "Atta baby." "All right?" "It's not our money." "Don't make me take it from you." "Try to take it from me and I'll put you down." "I'm gonna count to three." "I'm warning you, I am a trained martial artist." "One." "Two." "Two and a half." "All right buddy, snake eyes, okay?" "Watch out for him, he's everywhere." "Ow." "Give it to me." "Right now." "Oh, man." "That really stings." "All right girls, with the backpack you've got a deal." "Hey, I'm gonna get a hemorrhoid from a seat that small." "They're going to be great;" "the baskets are very nice." "And check this out..." "Would you just hush up." "Bubbles!" "Ahh, you know their names." "Perfect." "Yeah, but I'm not telling you the other two." "So, ha!" "Gentlemen, what are you thinking?" "I mean you just leave the keys in the ignition?" "It's not real safe." "You never know who's gonna pick 'em up." "I suppose you're not going to give us back our keys?" "Uh... no." "What's this all about?" "This is about who stays and who goes." "Oh, I get it." "This town isn't big enough for both of us." "Showdown at the lemonade corral, huh?" "Come on, Daren, let's do this." "You boys get two minutes' head start." "Last man without paint wins." "Wins what?" "We win... you got ten minutes to pack your stuff." "You're gonna run us outta town?" "Yep... just like we did with the last two dork missionaries." "If we win, we get our keys back." "We stay, and all you boys have to attend church for the next six months." "Come on, Daren, let's get on with it." "Two minutes starts-- now." "Stay." "Elder Johnson, spirit's telling me to move, let's move, so let's move." "I ain't running' anymore." "What are you doin', man?" "Elder Johnson, what would Jesus do, okay?" "Let's go." "Jesus?" "Jesus wouldn't run from a bunch of rednecks." "Heh." "Looks like these Bible boys know how to play." "I've gotta work in a half hour." "Shut up, Dale." "Just me and you, huh, preacher boy?" "You first." "I'll take the rest of your crew, huh?" "Come on, man, you gotta make this interesting." "Come on, let's just go." "Let's just go." "I guess I'll see you boys at church on Sunday." "# Sometimes you gotta take one step back #" "# To go two steps forward #" "# Sometimes you gotta stop believing #" "# And find the faith #" "# What's done is done #" "# Tomorrow has just begun... #" "Hey, check this out." "Are you pushing me off the road?" "Hands up, come on." "Hey, nice day for a ride, huh guys?" "What the fetch!" "Those are the guys who stole our car!" "Catch 'em." "Come on." "Pump." "Pump!" "I'm tryin'." "You're on my wheel." "Lance Armstrong!" "I can't do it, Elder." "I'm walking." "Elders, what's going on?" "You know what, Bishop?" "We just saw the..." "Burnett Brothers." "Listen, I have a surprise for you two." "Can you get yourselves cleaned up?" "We are sort of in a hurry." "Yeah, our laundry smells really bad, sir." "Please." "It's only going to take a couple of minutes." "Come on." "THREE BOGIES!" "Hey, Bishop." "Hello, Sarah, how are you?" "Good." "Hey, Elder." "Hey, Sarah." "Elders, come on over." "Oh, hey, you're out!" "They couldn't find a thing." "Ha ha!" "So, here I am." "I hate hospital food." "Looks like you're making up for it." "Please, sit down." "Elders, I know that things have been kinda crazy these past few days." "Yeah, they have." "I'm thinking about getting baptized." "Less than three days and already you have a convert." "Are you sure we're not rushing things a little bit?" "What do you mean, Elder?" "How do you know Brother Steedman is thinking clearly?" "He just got out of the hospital." "Reggie?" "Well, I know it sounds crazy, but, um, this feels right." "You Elders know what that's like, don't you?" "Yes, we do." "And I'd like you to be the one to baptize me, Elder Johnson." "Me?" "Would you do me the honor?" "Can both of you excuse us for a minute, while I speak to Elder Johnson, I mean Elder Talbot, in private?" "Hey you!" "Not so fast!" "I know who you are." "What's going on?" "We played pool together two nights ago." "You must have me confused with someone else." "I don't think so." "Daren, leave him alone." "He wore a cowboy hat, sunglasses." "Said he was passing through town like a bad burrito?" "There is obviously some mistake." "Missionaries don't play pool." "He ordered beer." "Yeah, well, missionaries don't drink either." "You did." "You're a liar." "Shut up, Sarah." "Easy pal, or I'm going to be introducing you to the ground." "Daren, stop!" "So, shut up!" "Back off, cowboy, all right?" "Daren, stop it!" "Easy boys, let's end this now." "I never forget a face, especially an ugly one." "His name is Elder Johnson, all right?" "Look, we are missionaries, okay?" "We don't want any trouble." "It's okay, Tyler." "You know, you're right." "I did play pool with you the other night, and I cleaned you out." "I told you." "See, I knew it!" "He's been lying to all of us." "He's a hustler." "My name is Tyler, and we're not missionaries." "We are from a correctional camp in the Mojave Desert." "The pickup we stole broke down in the middle of the desert." "So, we grabbed the first car that came along." "I'm sorry." "I allowed you into my home." "I trusted you." "Is this true?" "Yeah." "Shame on you." " Sarah." " Don't." "Senator." "I'm Bishop Hollister." "Bishop, it's a pleasure." "What are you doin' here?" "I've come to get you, Justin." "I'm not going anywhere with you." "Justin." "Wait." "I'll take over from here, Senator." "Oh, it's all right, General." "I had a long talk with Bishop Hollister here." "He's told me everything that has been going on, Justin." "You know, in all the years of military schools and outreach programs," "I've never had such praise for my son." "Did he mention car thief, impostor, liar?" "Like father, like son." "Right, Dad?" "You lie to your people, and I lie to mine." "Give him a chance." "He had his chance." "We're done." "Look, Justin, come back with me, please?" "We'll start over, I promise you." "Ah, that's nice." "Senator Boxwell welcomes back his prodigal son." "That'll make quite the headline." "This isn't about headlines, and you know that." "This is about you and me." "You're about 15 years late..." "Dad." "It's better late than never." "I'd give a million dollars to meet my father." "Hey, everybody, we're the new missionaries!" "What's your name, Elder?" " I'm Elder Talbot." " And I'm Elder Johnson." "Sorry it took us so long, but these flippin'..." "These fetching'..." "We sorta got sidetracked." "I feel we already know you, Elders." "You guys look hungry." "Told you I lost weight." "It just didn't look like it to me." "Hey, that is a really nice tie!" "Oh, thank you." "Does this belong to you?" "Thank you, Elder Talbot." "And, uh, this belongs to you." "I'm sorry." "Uh, my name is Tyler, and most people know me as "Elder Talbot."" "All right." "Get in the pipe!" "# Who wants to go, who wants to go to heaven?" "#" "# Who needs to ask or reason why?" "#" "Come on!" "Move it!" "# Who wants to go, who wants to go to heaven?" "##" "Remember the first time we came here together?" "Yeah, I do." "Almost two years ago." "Has it been that long?" "Just a little somethin' from all of us at the diner." "These are my travel books from years ago." "You broke into my house?" "Hello!" "I have a key!" "Open it up." "# Who wants to go, who wants to go to heaven?" "#" "# Who needs to ask or reason why?" "#" "# Who wants to burn... ##" "I can't accept this." "Well, it's not transferable and nonrefundable." "Danielle!" "Sarah!" "You gotta stop thinkin' about everyone else for once, especially what's his name." "It would mean a lot to all of us if you went." "I'm going to New York City." "It's pretty cool, huh?" "# ..." "A chance to die, to be reborn #" "# With just one kiss..." "just one kiss... #" "# With just one kiss and you're mine #" "# Hold on #" "Put 'em up." "Now, fill it back up." "# I lay my dream down before you #" "# A splendid tapestry, it's so old #" "# But tread so carefully, for there is danger #" "# You might just trample on my dream #" "# To never, ever be forgiven #" "# To never, ever wonder why #" "# With just one kiss #" "# A feat such as this #" "# With just one and you're mine ##" "Steal water?" "You earn a day in the pipe." "Any questions?" "Speak up, son." "My um, my cousin told me that two boys died this past summer." "Earlier today we had 12 graduates, a real success." "He said their eyes were plucked out by vultures, and their skin was dried out like leather." "Well, let's just stick to the mission at hand, shall we?" "All right." "Can I come in?" "You already did." "So, congratulations, man!" "We did it!" "We're done." "This is it." "Yeah, you too." "You all packed?" "Uh, gettin' there." "So, have you heard from her?" "No." "It's no big deal." "Huh..." "liar." " No!" " Okay." "I'm okay." "Okay, ha ha." "I'm just gonna work all summer... and... forget all about her." "Sure." "What about you?" "I haven't picked a school yet." "Guess I'll wait and see where the wind blows me, ya know?" "Man, I'm so done with this place." "Yeah." "You're gonna be all right, man?" "Elder." "I'm going to see the Riveter, hoo hooo!" "Yaaaa hahaha!" "Wheee!" "Okay, man, this is your space." "Don't you take no crap from nobody!" "Okay." "ORDER UP!" "You are gettin' pretty fast back there." "Bring it on, baby." "If you don't get back to work!" "You see me awful busy in here." "I don't think we've been properly introduced." "I'm Sarah, and I own the diner in town." "I'm Justin." "I, uh, shovel... stuff, all day long." "I understand you give riding lessons." "Oh, Brother Steedman gives the lessons." "I just sort of make him look good." "Is he around?" "No, he uh, he won't be back until tomorrow." "Come here, I have something I want to show you." "Look, Sarah," "I came back to make things right." "And I don't expect anything from you." "I know." "You, uh, might want to watch where you're steppin'." "I'm glad you came back." "Now, come on!" "I figured if you're gonna be around awhile, you oughta be properly introduced to New Harmony." "Well, it puts a new perspective on things, doesn't it?" "It really does." "How about a barrel roll?" "Wooohooo!" "Whoa!" "Load the barrel..." "hahahahaha!" "Whoa." "Help!" "Sister Cutbank, stop!" "Look what you're doing." "You two ever been to Australia?" "No, Sister Cutbank, we haven't." "Why don't we just go down under right now, just the three of us?" "It can't be more than a couple of thousand miles." "We're a little low on fuel." "Ah, good point." "Get ahold of your stomach, it's goin' into your butt!" "Wooo!" "Sister Cutbank!" "I'm gonna be sick." "Sister Cutbank!" "Hey, what's that boy?" "He's turning a little green." "No!" "Ha ha ha ha!" "I'm finished." "I'm done, Sister Cutbank." "No more, please!" "Ha hah haa!" "Ahhhhh!" "We oughta do this again!" "(Love bites!" ")"