"SELINA:" "Congresswoman Nickerson, I just want you to know that I won't forget my friends in Congress." "These are fabulous." " Wow." " Her people say she wants the mug." "Would you like to keep the mugs for your... minivan?" "How did you know I have a minivan?" " Just a good guess." " (LAUGHS)" "Before I ran for Congress, I was a stay-at-home mother of six." "Ugh, yeah." "I tell you, if I could not get there in a minivan, then I wasn't going." " Right." " You know the drill." "Indeed I do, yeah." "I mean, my license expired a few years ago, but I get the general idea." "So, Penny." "Penny." "We want to reauthorize the amphibious fighting boat and have them built in your district." "I saw a blanket out front that said Air Force One on it." "It looks really beautiful." "Let's get one of our care packages and then we can throw one of those blankets in there." " With the throw pillows?" " Yeah." "So what do you think?" "Can I count on your support?" "Okey-dokey, Annie Oakley." " Bless your pea-picking heart." " (BOTH LAUGH)" "Would you like to call someone from Air Force One?" " That usually freaks people out." " Oh, my gosh." "My Donald." "He has chemo today." "(GASPS) Fantastic." "(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)" "Let me tell you something else about Selina Meyer, our commander-in-thief." "Check out the tits in the third row." "I could dribble those things like basketballs." "She has destroyed the economy, made a mess of the Middle East, she ruined Thanksgiving, and that's all in just 10 months in office." "Kent says Jonah's up another five points." " Wait, what?" " We're gonna win in Nashua." "And we're gonna win in Peterborough and Keene and Brattleboro, yeah!" "My name is Jonah Ryan and I..." "CROWD:" "Won't back down!" " (BAND PLAYING) - (CHEERING)" " REPORTERS:" "Mike!" "Mike!" "Mike!" " Uh, Jim." "Jim." "Mike, the navy doesn't even want the amphibious fighting boat anymore." "Is it a coincidence that the plant that builds it is in Congresswoman Nickerson's district?" "Jim, if our nation's enemies decide to drop the puck on hostilities, then our navy and our allies will be very glad we have the military capabilities we need." " Drop the puck?" " Common hockey term." "Uh, Donna." "Mike, question about the president's daughter Catherine." " Is it true that..." " Oh, I just heard the buzzer." "That is the end of the third period." " See you at the next face-off." " Mike!" "Mike!" "You know, with Nickerson's support, that clinches Colorado for us four to three." "That doesn't look like Santa." "The White House officially celebrates Diwali," "Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa" " and Mawlid al-Nabi..." " I know." "...the alleged birth date of the prophet Muhammad." "Well, I suppose putting a few pictures up of Muhammad never hurt anyone." "Ma'am, I'm getting a lot of press interest about Catherine" " and, you know, her condition." " What?" "She's a lesbian, Mike." "She's not a werewolf." "Although either one would explain why she never shaves her legs." " Anything else?" " Yeah." ""The Hill's" 50 Hottest Staffers list is out." "When does the White House's most useless press secretary list come out?" "I can't wait to see who's number one this year." " I voted for Mike." " AMY:" "I hate that thing." "Every year it means a month of horny Senate aides looking down my blouse." "KENT:" "Also, their methodology is unsound." "I don't think you're in it this year, Ame." "There you go, Amy." "Problem solved." "Oh, my God, Candi Caruso ranked 17." "Look at this picture." "No way, look who's 21." " Gary." " What?" "Who's 22?" "The Elephant Man?" "Oh, my God. (CHUCKLES)" " Hey, 21." " Hmm." "Rose hip tea, okay?" "Or I'm gonna 86 you." "(PHONES BUZZES)" "DAN:" "Just got an endorsement from the "Courier."" "The emails from Tom Petty's lawyers keep on getting angrier and angrier." "How am I not on "The Hill's" 50 Hottest Staffers list this year?" "This year?" "It's the 50 Hottest Staffers, Jonah, not the 50 people most likely to kill themselves before trial." "I am on a career rocket ship to Mars right now, Dan, except I'm gonna leave Matt Damon there because the guy made potatoes in his own shit like a fucking animal." "The whole point of the 50 Hottest is not to be on it." "  You're number 26, Mr. Egan." " Yeah, five years in a row now." "It's to use it to learn who to fuck." "Who?" "Find a woman who was on it last year, but not this year." "I mean, that's like a "make her pay for dinner" situation." "Does that work?" "If you don't look like someone melted Play-Doh all over a flagpole, it does." "Wow, you're a fantastic campaign manager." "Yeah." "Fucking Gary's number 21?" "What?" "Well, that just makes a mockery of the very idea of hot rankings." "Well, it makes sense." "He's got beautiful eyes." " SELINA:" "There they are." " TOM:" "Madam President." " Hello, gentlemen." " Children." "All right, let's get to this." "Let's make it quick." "Roger, you want to walk us through the drill right now?" "And would you please, please try and keep it clean?" "Madam President, tomorrow night is the president's annual holiday party for congressional members and their families." "Ma'am, you'll need to make the initial approach." "Ben will keep the offer straight." "Kent will keep a running tally." "Tom, you'll be in charge of putting out any fires." "And once you're all done with them, I'll move in and squirt a half gallon of ropey jism into their modeled congressional cornholes." "Oh, you made it so far and then you just... (SIGHS)" "Tom, do you have anything that you would like to add?" "No, Roger took my thing about ropey jism." " Right." " Thank you, Madam President." "And I will see you tomorrow night, right, Tom?" "Indeed, yes." "Okay." "GARY:" "What's up?" "Dirty." "Just dirty and shady." "Door." "Door." "So?" "What the fuck is Tom up to?" "Why was he meeting with Purcell at a Korean barbecue place?" " Marwood is the opposition." " You think Tom is helping O'Brien?" "But what could O'Brien offer him that's better than the vice presidency?" "Literally anything." "Oh!" "Tom wanted Secretary of the Treasury." "I said no." "Ah, fuck!" "Ma'am, you just have to keep nailing down those votes." "All right?" "26 votes and it's over." "Okay, guys, we got to keep an eye on Tom tomorrow night." " Really." " Yes, ma'am." " Yes?" " I was just checking to see if there was another meeting about me." "Not today." "DAN:" "All right, the next question is for Mr. Ryan." "Would you vote to raise the debt ceiling?" "Well, as the late, great Lionel Richie once said," ""Oh, what a feeling, I am dancing on the debt ceiling."" "OKAY, A:" "Lionel Richie is not dead," "AND B: what the fuck does that even mean?" "New Hampshire loves my zingers." "It's my personality that has gotten us this far." "No, I am the one who got us this far, you sentient enema." "All right, Mrs. Sherman, same question." "I hereby solemnly promise to never vote to raise the debt ceiling without budgetary offsets." "Lord knows I stick to my grocery budget every week." "Mother Mary dry humping a pillow." "That is what I call natural talent." " What was your name again?" " Judy Sherman." "Oh, come on, Richard's only winning because he gets to be the easier person and I have to be me." "All right, Judy, pretend to be Jonah." "Richard's not gonna get the subtleties of being..." "Just shut the fuck up and move!" "I'd have to agree with Mrs. Sherman here on fiscal responsibility." "In fact, teacher, allow me to present you with this apple." "Feel my dick." "I am rock-hard for you right now, mister." "You think I'm kidding." "Feel it." " Shit." " JONAH:" "What?" "Local news stations are running footage from the rally." " You said Brattleboro." " So?" "So Brattleboro just happens to be in Vermont." "Since when?" "Granted, every town up here is just two dirty piles of snow connected by a covered bridge, but Jesus Christ, Jonah, you grew up here." "How do you not know this shit?" "I don't know." "Maybe I was supposed to learn it in the second grade, but my teacher was a fucking bitch." "Jonah, watch your language." "Well, obviously Ericsson had trackers at the event." "Richard, who do we have tracking the widow?" "Nobody." "Then go out there and buy a camera and videotape everything she does." " Do you want 4k or 1080p?" " Just buy any fucking camera." " Okay, I'm going." " You and I have to talk." "If you were like 10% less black," " I could make you president." " Thank you." "(CHATTER)" "No." "No." "No." "That's... get it out." "We talked about this." "The wife of Congressman Platt designed it." "Does she know I'm not the president of Cuba?" "Did you tell her that?" "Are you wearing cologne?" "A little." "(SNIFFS) Smells like birdseed." " Hi, Mom." " Hi, darling." "Hi, Marjorie." "Don't you look..." " Strapping." " ...strapping." "Thank you, ma'am." "What's happening with these tentacles here?" "Are they gonna get put away or something?" "I have a question." "I need to know how you... gals want to play the whole gay thing." "I'm sorry, I don't know..." "Mike has been getting a bunch of questions and interview requests and, you know, et cetera, et cetera." "And I just don't know how you want to handle that." "Do you want to just play it like Ellen or do you want to be more like Jodie Foster?" "Do you want to play it more like a mystery?" "Uh, I think that we were kind of hoping that we could keep things on the down-low." "Okay, can you just speak English, Catherine?" "'Cause I don't know what you're trying to say." "Madam President, if it's all the same to you, we don't want our private life to be politicized." "Okay." "I get that." "I respect that." "We'll keep it under the gaydar." " Thank you." " So, great." "I'll tell Mike." " MAN:" "Ladies and gentlemen..." " Here, take it." " ...the President of the United States." " Thank you." "Thank... (GASPS) would you listen to this?" " (HARMONIZING)" " Who doesn't love a cappella, right?" "It's like a magic trick 'cause there are no instruments, of course." "Madam President, Tom James, 8:00." "Okay." "You mean 11:00?" "Over there?" "Seriously, can you really not tell time?" "Sorry, ma'am, I just thought it meant close." " Ma'am?" " Yes." "The fluffers have done their work." "It's time for the orgy to begin." "Okay, let's get that done." "Oh, look, Catherine." "You fixed that there, didn't you?" "Yeah." "Except it's still just a rat's nest in the back." "It needs to pull... maybe you can help her, Marjorie." "Just pull it back, sweetheart." "Oh, all my friends are here." " Madam President, hello." " Merry Christmas." " Thank you so much for having us." " Hello, Congressman Jaeger." " And this must be Mrs. Jaeger?" " That's not his wife." " Okay." " This is one of my staffers, Nadia." " She's a prostitute." " Hmm." "Well, would you like a picture for your friends and for your family?" " Yes..." " We've got a..." "There we go." "No." "And I want to wish you a merry Christmas." "And I can count on your support, can't I?" "100%." "Merry Christmas." " Wonderful, thank you." " And Happy New Year." "Nadia, let's go." "This is Congressman Baines from Arizona." "He's solidly O'Brien." "Oh, let's get a picture." "There we go." "And you're out of here." "You can go." "Catherine's 23 years old." "She's fair game." "Maybe you ride the pine on this one for a period or two." " Please?" " All right, I'll talk to everyone." " I owe you." " I mean, I'd hate to be offsides." " What?" " You know, hockey." "Hockey." "Great sport." "Thank you." "Mike, are you dating a hockey player by any chance?" "You noticed the hockey references?" "Shit, I thought they were seamless." "Listen, you can't say a word, but our surrogate is pregnant and I've been talking to somebody in the NHL about a job as director of communications." "So win or lose, I'm out of here." "Well, let me get my good-byes out of the way now." "Congressman, the president would love to have a clutch with you in the Green Room." " Oh, of course." " Great." " Hey." " Hi." "Carson City, Nevada." "Ah, Buddy Calhoun in a tie that's not made out of string." "You're the only woman who's ever threatened to grate my balls over a bowl of spaghetti." " Night's still young." "Knock yourself out." " Well, yeah." "Madam President, we are looking to build a 9/11 memorial in Bozeman." "That sounds superb." "Wonderful, because, you know, never forget." " That's right." " Always remember." "But can you remind me exactly what happened in Bozeman on 9/11?" "This is mainly focused on our first responders." "Oh, that's so important." "Our first responders were terribly traumatized by what happened to the first responders in New York." "Yeah, I get that." "That's, uh..." " Wow." " That's... wow." "Yeah, Ben." "You know, I am sure there is a little something we can find somewhere for such a great project, sir." "Roger, what do you think?" "Oh, I'm sure we can just slip it under the skirt of the Homeland Security budget." "Tell him why, Will." "The budget has a fatter, more womanly behind than myself." "Excuse me." "Aren't you Gary Walsh?" " What did I do?" " You've got to come meet my daughter." " She saw you in "The Hill."" " Oh." "She's single, divorced, has a kid." " But he's really a sweetheart." " Oh, how nice." "God, I feel like somebody's playing a trick on him." "They're about to dump a bucket of pig's blood on his head." " (MUSIC PLAYING) - (CHATTER)" " You having a good time, Amy?" " Eh." "Can't believe how many compliments I'm getting about the hot list." "(LAUGHS)" "Don't people around here have anything better to talk about than the stupid hot list?" " Amy, do you want some advice?" " Definitely not." "Listen, don't worry so much about what's up here, okay?" "Worry about what's in here." "And if you work at that," "I'm telling you, you're gonna be back on the hot list, Amy." "I'm not saying you're gonna be in the top 20, but you would be a lock for, like, mid 40s." "Thank you." "Look at him, he's smiling like his shit's all pine-fresh smelling." "Oh, okay." " What are you doing?" " What?" "You're looking at yourself in the mirror?" " You look wonderful." " Yeah." "WOMAN:" "Madam President." "This is Connie DiBenedetto of Oregon." "She's the chairman of the Gay and Lesbian Caucus." "Actually, she's the only member of the Gay and Lesbian Caucus." "I'd like to take just a moment of your time to talk to you about your environmental policy." "Oh, yes." "Uh-huh." " I know it's politically risky..." " Come this way." "...but, you know, a carbon tax is the only way to go." " Yeah, you've met my daughter Catherine?" " No." "And this is her special friend Marjorie." "I want to get a picture of all of us." "No, Mom, we don't want to take any photos." "Sure, we do." "We're dying to do that." "So, here we go right here." "Let's all say girl power." " (LAUGHS) Girl power." " Girl power." "Listen, I wish I was hip enough to hang here with you all," " but I've got to go deal with..." " You're a busy girl." " Tell Liz I love her." " Oh, I will." " Okay." "Okay." "Bye-bye." " She'll love that." "Bye." "♪ Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, a dreidel I will play... ♪" " The Brandeis Chigh-notes." " Hmm." "Tonight we've got the bowling alley appearance and we can't have any more gaffes." "I got it!" "I got it!" "The widow saw me filming her and she got mad." "She called me some truly awful things." " Oh, thank you, Satan." " I think this is a game changer." "(APPLAUSE)" "JUDY:" "Thank you all so much for coming." "RICHARD:" "Oh, my God, I got it." "I think I got it!" "You know, I think I see what happened there." "Richard, you good boy. (LAUGHS)" "I went to turn it on, but it was already on, so I turned it off." "Then I went to turn it off, but it already was off, so I turned it on." "(SIGHS) I had such plans for you, Richard." "Congressman Baxter, I completely believe you about the whole men's room incident." "It sounded very plausible to me." "So I want to also wish you a merry Christmas." " Thank you so much." " This is Paul Graves, purple state." " He could go either way." " Like Baxter." "I didn't know Jim Owens was working for Graves." "Yeah." "Oh, man, that was your one work friend." "Yeah, he wouldn't return my calls after POTUS fired him." "Oh, come on." "It's been a long time." "Go talk to him." " I can't." "I can't." " Mike." "Madam President, everyone knows I'm no fan of O'Brien, but if I'm gonna cross party lines in order to hand you the presidency," "I'm gonna need something big." "Okay, how big?" "Why don't we go with Secretary of State?" "Well, at least we know you don't need big balls." " Got large stones for sure." " Right?" "I think it's something we might be able to accommodate." " Excellent." "Then, Madam President..." " Yes?" " ...you have my support." " Oh, that's what I wanted to hear." "Thank you so much, Congressman." "Hey, enjoy the party, okay?" "Have fun." "Ooh, we got Graves." " That was fantastic." " I know it." "Oh, what about Doyle?" "You promised him State." " He knows I don't keep my promises." " He should know by now." "Oh, I love your district." "And I love your district." "I love them both. (LAUGHS)" " FURLONG:" "Hey, where have you been?" " What?" "Turns out Nickerson is back on the fence." "She said she never fully agreed to endorse you or support you." "And I said maybe you'd remember better if I fuck your brain through your ear hole." " Then what did she say, Will?" " She's pretty furious about it, sir." " Ben, you got to..." " I'm on it." "Why is Tom over there chatting it up with Jaeger?" " I don't know." "I'll handle it." " No, no." "I don't need your subtle charm on this." "Bill, hi." "Just wanted to reconfirm that I can still count on your vote." "Actually, Madam President, I've been doing quite a bit of soul searching and I'm afraid I need to listen to my conscience." "Conscience?" "What the fuck are you talking about?" "After much prayerful consideration, I have decided to abstain from the upcoming congressional tie-breaking vote in Congress." " Abstain?" " Yes, ma'am." "But then no one wins, you dumbass." "I was warned that you would say some hurtful things." "Okay, hold on." "Let me see if I can just explain this to you in terms that you might understand, okay?" "Let's say that your chief of staff..." "Nadia, is it?" " That's..." " Okay, and she's down on her knees and she's got your balls in her hand and she's working your shaft just the way you like it." "And moments before you're about to come all over her stupid Slavic face, she says, "Nyet, after much prayerful consideration," "I have to abstain from the upcoming blowjob."" "Are you Nadia in this situation?" "Just get out of my sight." "Oh, God, fuck." " Okay." " Let me guess, Jaeger's abstaining." " Yeah." " Nickerson, too." "Tom's not lobbying votes for O'Brien." "He's asking people to abstain." "What the fuck is happening?" "If no one gets a majority in the House, the vote goes to the Senate." "I explained this on election night." " I wasn't listening." " Yeah, but obviously Tom was." "Tom James is an acknowledged master of the Senate's rules and procedures." "So if it's up to the Senate, Tom is our next president." "Well, he must be stopped." "Is it too late to get Doyle back?" " We forgot to invite him tonight." " Okay." " That's great." " Tom!" "Ma'am." "Congressman Griffin." "Mrs. Griffin." "How are you?" " I'm very well, thank you, ma'am." " Good." "I've been watching you all night and I know what you're up to." "Oh?" "You're trying to get up the courage to ask me to dance." "(LAUGHS) Guilty." "Ma'am, I would be honored." "Oh, thank you." " (APPLAUSE)" " Oh." " Thank you." "Hey." " Hey." " How are you?" " He asked." " Thank you." "Thank you." " He asked me." "I think all this meeting and greeting has really made me work up an appetite." "I'm starving." "Yeah, you never get the chance to eat at these things." "Never." "You know what I really have a hankering for?" " What's that?" " Korean barbecue." " Do you like Korean barbecue?" " It's okay." "There's this great place that I heard about." "It's in Annandale." "What is the name of it?" "I'm trying to remember." "Oh, right, right." "Um... (WHISPERS) the Cocksucking Backstabber." "Oh, keep dancing, Tom." "Don't stop dancing." "Don't look around." "Nobody's gonna help you." "No, no." "Right." "Ma'am, let me explain." "What... what... what that..." "I think you're referring..." "You know what?" "I think maybe we should go and talk in private." "That's perfect timing, isn't it?" "Yeah?" " Yes." " (APPLAUSE)" " Thank you for your support." " Thank you." " Thank you all." " Thank you so much." " So nice to see you all." " Come." "You can't get away." " Let's go." "Yeah." " Okay." "All right." " Right, we're gonna do it." " Thank you." "How stupid are you, you motherfucking snake?" "I know all about your meeting with Marwood and Purcell." "I know all about how you're trying to fuck me with that abstinence program of yours." "Underneath this whole honorable, decent, wholesome Boy Scout crap of yours," "I know exactly who you are." " Oh, you do?" " Yes, I do." "Right, so I don't have to explain that I am not someone who would piss away my presidency" " on a bunch of half-ass decisions." " What?" "And, by the way, by messing around with that pretty boy" "Charlie Baird, for God's sake." "What?" "Charlie Baird?" "What does Charlie Baird have to do with any of this?" "I don't know." "He's got nothing to do with it." " Oh, my God, you're such a liar!" " The point is he..." "You're such a liar!" "Why did you even join my ticket in the first place?" "Because I happen to believe in something called public service." " Oh, bullshit!" " Okay, well, then I got no fucking idea." " I'll tell you why." " Go ahead." "Because you wanted to be a step closer to the presidency and to me." "Oh, my God." "You wanted it so bad, you could taste it." "This is unbelievable." "Please." "You are lying now just like you lied back then just like you lied about that night in the cab with the green shoes." "Oh, well, now I got no idea what you're talking about." "Yeah, you know exactly what I'm talking about." "No." "You remembered the green shoes that night, but not the fact that you wanted to fuck me?" "Come on." "Come on." "No straight man remembers a woman's shoes." "Well, you got me." "I'm gay, so..." "Just admit it." "Just say the truth for once in your life." "Come on, Tom." "You wanted to fuck me that night." " Just say it." " Will you stop it?" "!" "Just say it." "You wanted to fuck my brains out." "All right, I wanted to fuck your brains out!" "There you go." "And now you're trying to fuck me tonight." " No, I am fucking you tonight." " I'm gonna fuck you." "I mean, if I never see the White House again, it'll be too soon." "It's funny, you know." "I love my job." "I've been working for Congressman Furlong since I was 15." " Oh." " Mike, where's the president?" " And where's Tom?" " I don't know." " What, are you drunk?" " Maybe, Mr. Hipflask." "Listen, I'm a high functioning alcoholic and you're a sloppy weekend drunk." "Now get with it." " Ma'am?" " (MOANING)" "(SHAKY BREATHING)" "(WHIMPERS)" "(WHIMPERS)" "JONAH:" "Hi." "Jonah Ryan." "Thanks for coming out tonight." "Let me know if you have any questions." "Hi." "Jonah Ryan." "Running for Congress and I hope I can count on your support." "This is my boss Polly." "She's gonna be showing me the ropes today." "Oh, Polly, look at this." "Big shoes." "You know what that means, right?" "Uh, big feet?" "Can't argue with that." "Maybe you should run for Congress." " Your name is Jonah, right?" " Yeah." "So why does your shirt say Jon H Ryan?" "Fuck." "This is good." "This is working." "Oh, bowling alley's always a good choice." "I mean, skating rink's good for a male candidate, but it's cold and gals tend to nip out." " Hi, I'm Jo..." " Hey, Jonah." "Could I get a child size 12, please?" "What are you doing here, Teddy?" "I'm looking forward to some bowling." "Although pocket pool is more my game." "You listen to me, you fucking weirdo." "I was a victim, but I am not gonna let you define me." "Nice blog, Mary." "You know what?" "People like you, you look like us, but there's a little piece missing." "You're like a different species and one that I hope gets struck from the Earth because you're a bully and Jonah Ryan stands up to bullies." " Yes." "Yes, he does." " (APPLAUSE)" "Thank you." "Yeah." "Yeah, this is a no haters alley." "Okay, you and Boo-Boo the ball-fondling bear here have exactly two seconds to get the fuck out." "Our work is done here." "Tell Selina hello." "Yeah, great place for an event, Dan." "The teenager selling cocaine in the bathroom thought so, too." " Hey." " Oh, looking good, 26." "Hi, all." "Ma'am, have you seen Tom?" " Couple times." " Good." "I need Nickerson, I need Jaeger, 'cause we're gonna finish this." " Okay, walk this way." " Yeah." " SELINA:" "Gotcha!" " (NICKERSON GASPS)" " (LAUGHS) Hi." " Hi." "Can I have a few minutes of your time in the Green Room?" "The Green Room?" "That sounds historic." "Oh, it is." "It's where Woodrow Wilson had some of his most significant strokes." " Really?" " Yeah." " Hey, buddy." "Hey." "Been a while." " Mike." "Look, about how things went down at the end, I am so sorry." "I should thank you 'cause it was a wake-up call for me to get out of the insanity of DC politics." "Amen to that, brother." "This place sucks." "Listen, I have lined up a sweet private sector gig." "Oh?" "On the QT, I got something in the works, too." "I am the new director of communications for the NHL." " You got the hockey job." "Perfect." " Where are you headed?" "I'm going to CL International Time." " That sounds great." " Mmm, big." "Listen, any time you want Caps tickets, you hit me up, buddy, all right?" "And if you ever need anything international." " And congratulations." " You, too." " Mazel." "Yeah." " Good luck." "Fuck." "If you think that you are getting those worthless toy boats now," "I'm gonna shut down those factories faster than you can bedazzle a fucking sweatshirt." " Let's cut the shit, Selina." " Oh, here it is." "All roads through Colorado go through me and the toll just went up." "You're playing a very dangerous game of chicken with the head fucking hen." "'Cause if I don't win the White House," "O'Brien is gonna sink your stupid boats and you're gonna look like a hair-sprayed asshole in your 1980s mother-of-the-bride dress." "And if I do win, I will have my administration come to your shitty little district and shake it to death like a Guatemalan nanny." "And then I'm gonna have the IRS crawl so far up your husband's colon, he's gonna wish the only thing they find is more cancer." "Good God." "So can I count on your vote?" "Or do I need to shove a box of White House MMs up your stretched-out, six-baby vag?" " (GARY GROANS) - (GULPS)" "Yes, you can count on my vote." "I think I want to hear an okey-dokey, Annie Oakley." "Okey-dokey, Annie Oakley." "Oh, super-duper, trooper." "Now get the fuck out of here, Congresswoman." "Merry Christmas, Amy." "Oh, Candi Caruso is who you are." "I'm surprised to see you here after what happened in Nevada." ""Nev-add-a." I told POTUS that there are other qualified people out there for special advisor, but she insisted she couldn't think of any, so..." " Oh." "Guess what." " Hmm?" " I am engaged." "Mm-hmm." " (GASPS) Wow!" "Who's... who... to whom?" "Gary Welsh." "You know, Gary Welsh." " Gary Welsh?" "Oh!" " Gary Welsh at State." "He was supposed to be on this 50 Hottest thing that I'm in, but they got his name wrong." "They spelled it incorrectly." "Turns out there's an actual guy by that name." "They put him in instead." " That's just a bad thing." " Terrible." "Terrible." "I'm sorry to hear that, but happy for you." " Oh!" "Thank you." " All that." "Yeah, okay." "Uh-oh, President of the United States needs me." " So..." " Mmm, yeah." "Take care. (CLEARS THROAT)" "Hey, Opie, grab your coonskin cap and let's get out of here." "Oh, okay." " It wasn't you." " What?" "You're not hot." "Gary Welsh at State is." "You're a typo." "But like you said, it's not up here, it's what's in here." "And won't you give my regards to your wife?" "Yes, ma'am." "She's the head of the Red Cross in Racine, did you know that?" "She's a saint." "You can count on my vote, Madam President." " That is a promise." " Oh, yes, it is a promise." " Yes." "Go." "Turn, go." " Mm-hmm." "Well, ah, I guess this party is officially now over." "So how did we do?" "We're about the same place we were at the beginning of the ball plus Graves." "We could have secured Platt, but he never got the picture with his wife's purse." "I just hope things are going good in New Hampshire." "REPORTER:" "Good evening." "We begin with some shocking footage of congressional candidate Jonah Ryan all captured on amateur video." "We do have to warn you, though," "Ryan's language is extremely graphic." "People like you, you look like us, but there's a little piece missing." "You're a different species, one that I hope gets struck from the Earth." "Fuck me, Amadeus." "Can't even see the guy that Jonah's yelling at." "God, Polly's not gonna think that I was yelling at her, will she?" "Why don't we call her publicist and find out?" "Wait a second." "Richard, tell me you have that from the other angle." "Oh, definitely." "TEDDY:" "Hey, Jonah." "I'll get a child size 12, please." "What are you doing here?" "  (APPLAUSE)" " Thank you." "Thank you." "I don't know what happened there." " You did the same fucking thing!" " Literally." "Oh, yeah, you know what?" "You're right, I did the exact same thing." "After the national elections, the president may have found herself with a bad lie in the rough, but after stabilizing the economy, the House vote is starting to look like a gimme putt." "And mark my words, the president will end up atop the leaderboard just like Inbee Park or Lydia Ko or any of the other great female golfers" " in the LPGA Tour." " (REPORTERS CLAMORING)" "I would like to get back to questions about the first daughter's lesbianism." "(CLAMORING)"