"I'm the best, so do not test, the top of my profession." "The master of my chosen field, of that there is no question." "Serious." "Serious, profession." "Serious." "Serious, profession." "Good heavens Gregory, is that the time already." "Chef." "Sorry I'm late." "Impressive entrance Gregory and so we begin again." "Lucinda!" "Yes Chef." "Boil me a litre of white stock." "Otto." "Chef." "Six chalottes, very finelly chopped." "Yes chef!" "Why don't mop it up." "What are you trying to be, the cleaning lady." "Chop in two pints water and loose the storch... you marrow fingered pillack." "Put that stock in these three pans now." "I need it now not for a midnight peace till week tuesday." "Very good Gregory, now a couple of leeks." "Piers.." "Chef?" "You are a terrific jugier aren't you Piers?" "Me?" "No not me chef." "Oh, really?" "I assumed your collegue... had thrown this food up in the air... and you caught it on this plate while it's... skinning in a patch of spilled vinagrette" "The presentation is not good enough" "What presentation, Piers?" "The last time I threw up." "The lumps of my vomit were... more artistically aranged than this." "You don't been with us very long, have you Piers?" "Doubtebly, she waited for me to me to say." "it hurts me to be so franc, it gives me no pleasure to be so brutally... etc. etc." "Than you will wait in vain." "I am Gareth Blackstock, I am seriously unpleasent." "I am a bastard, what am I?" "You are a bastard, Sir." "You got it." "My bite is very much worse... than my bark, and my bark is... atrocious." "See in life, Piers, different people want different things." "Some want large fortunes, some want carnal knowledge of vast... numbers of the opposite, or indeed their own sex." "And some want to write down the numbers... of all the British Rail diesel locomotives currently in service" ""Chacun a son goût." Me?" "My single aim in life is to send... the finest best presented food, through that door there." "That's it." "And if it's at the cost of a few human lives, well that's fine by me." "So, go away and please rearrange to contents of... this plate, so that someone in the latest stage of malnutrition... will at least take a passing interest in it." "Yes, chef." "Stalking this plan now." "Pint of cream" "How long should this take?" "Twelve minutes." "Now but the patatoes are cooked and... the vegetables are very finaly chopped." "So?" "Four minutes." "You got three." "Keep stirring it, sif it and then... pass it to "Pablo Picasso" here to presents it." "Jesus, water are soup in three minutes." "This is cooking the polaroid way." "Right, ladies and gentlemen, I hope you won't... mind my mentioning it, but you are easely the most... useless bunch of bone-idled toe-rags" "I have ever encountered in any kitchen anywhere." "You are sloppy, lazy, half asleep, late and... in the moment... only giving you about twelve and a half percent" "Are you hearing what I'm saying?" "Yes Chef, yes chef." "From now on I want personal involvement, energy, concentration, in other words... a complete transformation, anytime within the next half an hour, convenient to yourselves." "Is that understood?" "Yes Chef." "Who cooked this sauce?" "Who." "Cooked." "This." "Sauce." "Chef..." "I did..." "I cooked it, it was me." "It not acceptable, this sauce." "It is not good." "It is not up to the "required standard"." "It is simply perfect." "This sauce is simply perfect, what is it?" "Simply perfect, Chef." "I'm going to cry now." "I have found someone in this kitchen, who does not want to poison the customers." "Someone who does not go in mortal terror... of someone, somewhere, one day, enjoying eating something." "Contrary to lifelong expectation, I shall no die happy man" "So I'm afraid and as from next week." "I 'm going to have to cut the kitchen budget" "What?" "Well, as I say, things are a bit difficult at present, so I'm having to ask you to manage with... fifteen percent less, in the kitchen." "Okay, that means that you are in breach... of that contract, so I'll give you... four weeks in notice." "Gareth, please, be reasonable." "Reasonable, what are you talking about reasonable since when... am I reasonable?" "Do reasonable people produce eighty covers... twice a day, of the finest gastronomic... experiences in England." "Do reasonable people get two Michelin stars?" "Do you think it is reasonable to spent your life." "Walking around dressed like this?" "Reasonable?" "I'm am a raving bloody lunatic." "If I wasn't cooking, I'd be out doing serial killing." "You look at me, you see a personality... problem under a silly white hat." "Don't talk me about reasonable, I don't do reasonable." "Well I was just hoping that you would help us out." "Well why on earth did you hope that?" "Well under the prevailing circumstances, we are having to cut back." "Oh sure, you get your clients driving from... two hundred miles away in their" "Bentley Turbo's" "To try my trufle and foie gras paté." "What do I suddenly say, sorry old chap, circumstances are prevailing." "Tonight is alphabet soup and spaghetti hoops on toast." "I am here because I am the finest chef de cuisine... on the surface of the planet." "I know that.." "I don't do anything else..." "I have not kids, I don't do hobbies, or friends... or nights off or anything." "I'm here first I leave last, I work." "Next to me junior house docters are bone eyed, little work shy gits." "I know that..." "Two Michelin stars, twinkle outside this restaurant." "We're talking the man here." "Of course...." "I turn down taxics cooks, because I only want to... fire the one that is as good as me." "I know this Gareth.." "Well..." "Perhaps if we made some savings... in the number of personel.." "Personel." "Personel, do you know what those... people do for you?" "?" "I have never known a better kitchen staff anywhere." "We can only achieve, what we do achieve, because the best kitchenstaff, in the known universe, work their knots of for comely long hours." "Manage a few people, who did you have in mind." "Billy the Wizard and a handfull of white... tornados on crack?" "Get real." "We are talking eighty covers of gastronomic... perfection, twice a day." "My god, and your sous-chef hasn't even arrived yet." "And he isn't going to Gareth, because... we can't afford it." "And, I'm afraid you are going to have to loose a commis." "No way, no way." "Gareth." "Look." "No sous-chef on a common life and I walk, guaranteed." "Count on it I'm talking promises here." "You give me this place, and the budget." "I give you the best chef de cuisine." "in the game." "That's what you get, that's the deal." "You change that, what do I... stay for." "Nothing..." "You got it." "I want to cook the best, that's it." "I'm not a nice men." "I don't do loyalty, or helping out friends." "or being reasonable." "I'm a shit who likes to cook." "Obviously you are mislead into thinking otherwise... by the charm and warmth of my... personality." "A sous-chef, is that like the lowest of the low?" "No." "A commis is the lowest of the low." "A sous-chef is a deputy, he is under the Chef." "Lucky him..." "Suppose we had a commis, who would say, like an apprentice work for nothing." "What?" "And then you made your best kitchen person your... sous-chef, and sack this Gregory liability person." "Janice, this is not Victorian England, work for nothing, why, you think some poor halfstyle poorlock, touching weight, with rickets, is gonna slave away for a bucket of gool... and a place to make a bed under the... vegetable section." "Work for nothing?" "?" "I mean, come on and I am, a touch on the demanding side." "but I'm not Ebenezer Scrooge." "No." "Work for nothing...." "So, we're going to have to sell Lindon Cottage." "But, what am I supposed to do know." "The guy more or less said, carry on normal, but without any staff... and oh, by the way, don't buy any food." "Yes, well, that's all right." "We'll just get somewhere nice, wherever we move to." "Hmm?" "Yeah..." "That restaurant in Wiggins is still keen to have you there." "Gareth." "Gareth Blackstock..." "Yes?" "Everton Stonehhead." "Yes?" "I just had a meal here." "Yes?" "You are an amazing chef." "Yes." "You do remember who I am?" "Yes." "Whe went to school together." "Yes." "We were mates." "No." "Well, we did go to the same school." "You were very chatty then." "See, what I'm doing here is putting out bad vibes." "What can be decern for my social beheavior... and body language and general demeaner, is that I have very little interest in prolonging this encounter." "Should that be a point I'd like to get to it quickly, in order to terminate this interview as soon as possible." "Most people with a foresighted frontal lobes, would have clocked this by now." "I 'll make you an offer, you can't refuse" "Is that his brother, or something?" "Who?" "Well, that guy he is talking to." "Only, they are both black." "Yes.. ?" "Well, you don't often see a black man in there." "Don't actualy think all black men are... all necessarely related to eachother." "I mean I believe, some off them haven't even been introduced" "Your being sarcastic." "That's right." "So how many?" "How many of the customers here are black?" "Yeah." "Not many." "Any black people apart from you?" "Yes." "Don't tell me, washing up, collecting rubbish, cleaning the toilets" "Ah, so you have a dreeeaaam Everet." "How inspeakebly delightfull for you." "Lett me gues, after solely comprehensive, you went into, eh, sociology, no, race, no, politics" "Actually it was public health and sanitation." "You clean the toilets." "Your right." "Stock... , tell me something." "Those bready persil things.." "The crustade." "The crustade, what was in those?" "Parsley, challottes, drop of brandy, couple of juniper berries." "But mainly, the minced up liver and sweet breads of the last person that called my..." "'Stock'" "So, your not to keen on my calling you Stock then." "I was called Stock at school" "Yeah?" "It had a knock on effect." "During exams, teachers would often... look at me and say, let's turn to Gareth for the stock answer... when I was absent;" "we seem to be out of stock." "In my first kitchen it got worse" "Have we got any white stock" "No only Blackstock" "This stock is thick enough." "The joke wore thin on my." "As soon as I achieved surpreme authority" "I abonded the use altogether" "No-one calls my stock." "Look, I'm sorry, I really didn't know." "I'm a bit sensitive about it." "Really?" "I get the feeling, we are in the general... area of the topic of discussion now." "Could we get to the point?" "I mean, what has brought you all this way... that might interest your, old school, extremely slight, never liked you anyway... probably flush your had down the toilet, as soon as look at your acquaintance." "Well, I have decided that I want to work in a decent kitchen." "Really?" "Hmm." "And I thought I'd come and give you first refusal." "As we done it so far." "How commonly decent of you." "Yeah, the least I can do." "I mean, if you can't rely on the old school tie.." "where are you?" "Quite." "Unfortunately we have a full complement of kitchen staff, all of whom are very keen to stay." "I have got an application list of several hundred... highly qualified people... who would give their reproductive organs to stay, and the management have asked me... to reduce the cooking team." "Apart from that I'd say your chances were very good... and know, if you excuse me, dinner... has to be prepared." "Yeah, but I have two really good things... going for me." "Really?" "Yeah." "I'm an absolutely kicking cook." "How nice for you." "And I don't cost anything." "Would you, care to explain on that?" "See, I work in my aunties soul food take-away on the Harrowroad" "My dumplings are famous, man." "People come all the way from Kenn's or else, to buy them, you know." "Which is saying something, because... there number eighteen busservice... is a killer." "See..." "What I do with my dumplings... is don't just..." "I was more interested in the fact that you don't cost anything" "Strange to relate, we don't get a lot of... call roundhere... from wathing stew and dombey." "I wanna be a chef, and I can either go to cooking school, or work in a really good kitchen." "So, why aren't you going into cookingschool?" "Because I think it would better for me, if I was in a good kitchen." "Well, my aunt she didn't give me enough... to go on with whatever I do." "You aunt that runs a takeaway?" "No, no that's a different auntie." "Auntie Clarence." "So don't want me to leave, because... she can't make the dumplings" "It must be so wonderfull to feel wanted." "Yeah, hè." "Theirs one thing enormously on your side." "What's that?" "Your timing is incredibly suspiciously, almost... mariage ruinly, perfect." "You said, the house wasn't important, my career was everything." "Now all of a suddenly, it is not worth to sacrifice" "Now I made to many sacrifices." "I was a career woman, don't forget" "I was something in the city." "I was a yuppie." "I could have a Porsche a flat in Docklands, a bit on the side, with a toyboy, from commodity futures." "I gave it all up for you." "What are you talking about." "You live in the best house in Oxforshire." "You drive an e-type jag, what sacrifices?" "Docklands.. ?" "?" "I had a job, a proper job." "Well in a couple of years time, Janice, you'll be running our own restaurant" "This was your idea." "I was a high flyer, I had a fax and a postal phone, when it meant something." "People right begging to work in your kitchen" "And you remembered Everton's letter?" "I phoned him up, what's so dreadfull?" "?" "Janice, people can not work for nothing." "Will you get real, Gareth." "You, are the finest chef there is." "You are doing your flavour." "When people ask him where he trained it, he says." "Blackstock's he's set up for life." "Janice..." "He knows all rubbish, Gareth." "Good future, know you could." "Do what?" "We're having to move, we're going to have to leave this place... just because you struck an issieu, with the manager and don't want to lose faith, that's all it is." "How dare you say this Janice, how dare you say, I will not have this." "Have what?" "I will not have you telling me the truth like this." "See, Lucinda, that's who it would be." "I'm not ever sure if she's up to it or not." "No, well..." "I am do say she is." "There is one thing bothering me there.." "What?" "Who is this toy boy, from commodity futures?" "I've been asked, to reduce the kitchen staff." "Oh..." "So cut down on outgoings, you know." "Oh..." "And an ingenious plan occured to me." "Oh..." "If I could find someone, to promote a sous-chef, were, gonna have a sous-chef anyway." "I know, I know..." "It would probably be cheaper, than getting... someone from outside." "Yes... ?" "Well, it would definitly be cheaper, because." "I'm not offering anymore money." "Ohh... ?" "It's monstrious I know, but my hands are tied." "So look." "I was thinking of having you for sous-chef, anyway" "I mean never mind making economies in the kitchen." "It had been on my mind for some time." "Had it?" "Oh yes." "Well actually no, it hadn't." "It actually occured to me, but now I realise it should have." "So wanna be sous-chef on the same money?" "oh.." "I mean if you don't, we'll have to leave the chateau, we'll have to sell this place." "Janice will become miserable, bitter, impossible to live with, well.. , more impossible." "so I'm very keen to get a yes out of this meeting." "No pressure.." "Well..." "Look Lucinda," "I really need you" "You got everything," "I now I have nothing to offer, but.." "there's no-one within light using you." "My life will be hell without you." "Lucinda, please say yes.." "Hello mrs." "Blackstock." "Oh, Janice, please dear, Janice." "Must be the most wonderfull thing to be able to cook." "my husband 's never made a speech anything like that to me." "But then he only wanted me... sexually.." "Why I should think, that was anywhere near as important as a, plate of food..." "I can't imagine." "Was that the only reason?" "Was what the only reason?" "When you said I'm so restressed, I can't, sleep and you said, I know something, that makes you go to sleep, and you said, All right then?" "was that the only reason?" "Only that's twice now since saterday," "I didn't now I had married a sex-fiend.." "Now look, do you now how often, most couples do it?" "One point eight times, times week." "You just happen to ask a few thousand people chosen at random." "I read an article, we are well above average." "She's very nice, your Lucinda, isn't she?" "She's not "my Lucinda", Janice." "Oh, yes she is." "She is devoted to you." "Well, in a gastronomic way yes, but then, that's understandable." "She's a very pretty girl.." "Is she?" "I can't say I have noticed." "Stop that!" "Cut the crap, Blackstock." "She's a very nice girl, lovely and fair of face, pragmatically peart" "There's no need to go on about it." "I can't win here." "And you spend all your time with her." "In the kitchen, yes.." "And you're a men." "Janice I can hardly deny on that, with you holding the evidence." "I you so much as lay a finger.." "Janice, my darling, there is no chance, no chance!" "Mister Monogamy, me just a bit higher.." "Oh, and eh, while we're discussing my.. staff.." "Could you not getting any food tomorrow, Everton is cooking." "Okay." "Ehm.." "What?" "I suppose a quick point eight, is out of the question." "Yeah, but when you're buying yams, you got to check two things." "One, that the skin is nice and hairy, and two that the inside is nice and white." "White and hairy." "Hello." "Hey, this is a great kitchen, I'll be with it in a couple of hours." "I need that, down here." "Now, this is food, like my mommy used to make." "Is that jugo style?" "Your mom get you interested, didn't she." "In a way, yes." "My mothers food was so bad, I started cooking in selfdefence." "Could go on, for a little while, this." "She used to put the vegetables on with the meat." "And that were tin vegetables." "She made gravy out of a packet." "I never found out what the packet was actually." "I think she got it from a builders merchants." "Don't say I didn't warn you." "She used to put the vegetables on, in vast amounts of water, for hours." "Eventually a tiny residu of flavour would linger in the cooking equipment, so she threw it away." "And now...." "My mother never soughted out, the multiplicity of roles, that constitute the ideal wife, she was a hore in the kitchen, overdressed in the bathroom, and fast asleep in the bedroom." "When I was ten years old, my father could take nomore," "He divorced her, sighting gastronomic cruelty, and ran of with a short order chef from Mc Donalds" "He put on three stone in a month." "I didn't know that about your mother." "What, that she couldn't cook?" "No, that she was fast asleep in the bedroom." "I see now, where you get it from." "Hm... hm, what do you think?" "Let me put things in perspective for you, Everton." "On the evolutionary scale of cooking, I am Einstein." "Lucinda is Isaac Newton." "And you, are a mud dwelling, unicellar spec of jelly, with a predelection for consuming it's own excrement." "So you don't like the way I cook?" "I think it is important to be frank." "Sure..." "If you become a exemplary comis, scrub the floors clean, scallop the pots religiously, for twenty years, pass all the exams," "I may, one day, let you mix the vinigar and water, for cleaning the windows." "Am I making myself, plain?" "Yes, chef." "You start, next week." "Good morning." "Good morning.." "What's the matter?" "Nothing, I'm fine." "What's the matter?" "Nothing, I said, nothing." "What's the matter?" "It's Lucinda." "Being a sous-chef is not about cooking, it's about, handling people as well." "Oh, she'll pick all that up." "Yes, I dear say she will." "So..., that's the bullshit explanation, for now, what's really the matter." "Well, it's just this plan." "You know, everybody is happy." "Everton is happy, Lucinda is happy, the manager is happy," "There's just one snag." "What?" "I've got to sack Gregory." "Well, he's useless, you said." "I know." "Not fair on the other's to keep him." "No." "He'll never make it as a cook, he's always late, and there was that beefstock bussines." "I know all that, I know all that." "But I've got to sack him haven't I." "Well..." "I've never sacked anyone before." "Haven't you?" "No.." "Well, you must have done." "I haven't, I would have remembered." "What, never?" "No Janice, never." "Never need to sack them, do I, I mean," "I shout to them, so much they quit, or join the foreign legion, or put their nether regions in the liquidiser." "I never need to sack them." "Life expectancy in my kitchen is three months tops" "Hmm." "Still..." "First time for everything." "Thanks." "Hi, greg." "Morning, chef." "Sorry, I'm late." "Oh, it's fine.. ddeddee" "You wants to see me?" "Yes, eeh.." "Ehm..." "Yes, you see eh..." "Oh no!" "What?" "You are not gonna sack me!" "Sack you, sack you, nononono nonono." "Gregory, no I just wanted to eehh.." "What I wanted to do..." "Ehh.." "Was sack you, yes." "Ooh noohhh!" "Oh Gregory, don't make this difficult, please." "Was it the soup?" "It's not the soup, I'm not sacking you because you spilled the soup." "I'm not even sacking you, because you forgot to order the garlic and herbs, last week, I mean that was a trace awkward." "You now us being a French restaurant and all." "I may have mentioned the inconvenience at the time." "Yes." "I'm not even sacking you because you put beef stock in the chocolate mouse, last week." "It wasn't the cleverest thing, Gregory." "I'm sacking you, Gregory, because I think you have as much chance of becoming a top chef, as John Major has of becoming a stand up comedian." "We'll give you two months notice, which you won't have to work, and, a reference..." "Give me one more chance chef!" "Oh, Greg." "Don't sack me, chef." "Gregory, it is not that important..." "please..." "Please, chef." "Gregory, if it is that important to you," "We'll work something out." "I'll really get my act together, chef." "Yes." "Morning. ..morning. .....morning." "Don't worry about it Greg, you'll get up fixed with something else." "Oh no no, it's okay, I'm staying." "What?" "Haven't you told him?" "I thought, we could you know work something out." "Don't be rediculous, he is a catasthrophe!" "You put beef stock in the chocolate mouse last week." "Well." "I know we musn't be hard bound, there are times, that great discoveries are made that way..." "Yes..." "That wasn't one of them." "Wat sort of notice did you ye.." "Two months, and he won't have to work them." "Well there you are, Gregory, that's generous." "Generous..." "Well..." "O for goodness sake Gregory, stop pissing about." "You and I know, you are always late, you show no talent for the job." "You're young and bright and you are been given a good deal." "Now, you're fired." "On your bike." "Pitty, say Gregory, grow up." "Had to be done." "hm hm." "No sense you now, ducking it." "No." "Right." "Shall we do a little prep?" "Yes chef." "Kitchen chef." "Oh really, well you can tell it from me that I have done everything he asked." "I've sacked the commis, ehh, the comis has been sacked." "I've made economies in the kitchen budget" "I now have a ludricously underpayed sous-chef" "There's nothing more I can do, so just don't ask, okay?" "What you mean?" "Right." "Bloody hell." "What is it?" "It is the manager." "What does he want now?" "A job." "He's been sacked for incompetence."