"So, what do we do, we take a little bit of snow and you sprinkle it on the wreath, just like this." "You like that?" "How, lovely..." "How much for a bag?" "Look at these basterds..." "Putting cocaine on innocent Christmas wreaths." "Not in my San Diego!" "Freeze!" "NTSF!" "NTSF?" "What branch?" " This branch." " Aah!" "Merry Christmas, and have a deadly new year." "Mistakes were made." "I got bad intel." "More than mistakes." "These were innocent people." " It was just a Christmas tree lot." " What do you want me to say?" "If I could go back in time and unstab this guy in the neck," "I probably would." "I'd probably do a lot of things..." "Make sure Hitler went to art school." "invest in Crocs, marry Bill Gates' wife so I'd be rich." "When was the last time you got some sleep?" "Now." "No, that was blinking." "I mean actual sleep." "When was I in that neurotoxin-induced coma?" " '09." " '09, then." "Okay, that's it." "You're suspended indefinitely." " What?" " I want your gun, your badge, your phone, and your "Far Side" calendar." "Trent, I haven't seen you like this since our wedding night." " Which one?" " The second one." "Oh, and one more thing:" "I want the keys to your S.U.V." "You wouldn't dare." "Trent, you've got to take some time, get your head straight." "Oh, you like giving orders?" "Too bad I'm not a waiter." "I'm a goer, and I'm getting a yellow light from you but I'm no chicken." "I'm a man, and my fists are my friends, and you're no Chandler Bing." "Diego!" "While Trent is..." "on leave, the top agent from NTSF:" "Portland has agreed to extend his visit and lend a helping hand." "Portland, Maine or Portland, Oregon?" "Maine is for pussies." "Ladies and gentlemen, may I present Van van Damn," "Oregon's most decorated agent." "Big deal." "They give out citations for drums circles in Portland." "Ah, Trent Hauser." "Jealous as ever." "Van van Damn, cripple as ever." "Someday I'll walk again, but you'll always be an a-hole." "I'm gonna vote against stem-cell research every chance I get" "See you all in hell!" "(off-key chords play) (grunting)" "Four letter word for "turkey meat choice"?" "What does that even mean?" "!" "(grunting)" "(grunting)" "Joyeux NoÃ"l !" "Sit rep, people." "Tell me what you got." " Real lightsabers at Comic-Con." " No!" "Stalin's DNA was stolen from a mobile cloning lab." " No!" " Whoa!" "Mexico's moving its border two inches north every 28 days." "No!" "16 Hop Street, what do you got?" "Somebody's been counterfeiting class rings, and a sophomore named Todd Wilson's fixing the J.V. basketball games." "No!" "All of this is dinky." " Dinky doo!" " "Dinkey doo"?" "I've got a tip on terrorist cells." "We're already monitoring all terrorist cells." "Not terrorist cells." "Terrorist cells." "They're programming cellphones to cause brain explosions." "He's good." "Girlfriend, I'm Van Damn good." "(Applause)" "I want you in your S.U.V.s in six minutes." "This guy's a keeper." "(tires screech)" "At Christmastime, everyone uses a cellphone." "Everyone likes a cellphone." "We're going to use the cellphone as a weapon." "Ponch, you're going to override the systems." "That will send a massive blast of radiation into everybody's heads." "Poof!" "It's gonna be instant brain explosion." "We're going to send San Diego a very special instant message:" ""San Diego, you're dead!" (laughter)" ""L.O.L."" "Huh?" "I don't think he knows what those words mean." "You all take positions around the perimeter." "And when the moment comes, we'll get the jump on him." " How do we know when to attack?" " Oh, you'll know." "NTSF!" "Watch out!" "He's got a wheelchair!" "Hy-a-a-a-a-a-ah!" "(gunfire)" "Finally, we got Trent Hauser home alone." "This is just like that movie." "(both) "Risky Business!" (both laugh)" "Man, this is too easy." "I'm gonna torture his balls." "Not if I portrait your bells first." "My house is surrended." "No gun, no cellphone, no NTSF:" "SD-issued S.U.V." "I'm completely cut off." "(doorknob jiggles) (grunts)" "(breathing heavily)" "(sighs)" "Time to pool my resources." "(beep)" "Aah!" "What the?" "!" "Oh!" "(electricity buzzing)" "Electric eels!" "Aah!" "(laughs) You tell me who sent you, and I'll call them off." "It was van Damn." "Van Damn!" "Aah!" "Van Damn?" "I gotta alert the team." "(buzzing)" "Whoa!" "(both grunting)" "(Trent: screaming)" "Come on!" "Come on!" "Aah!" "(laughs) (engine revs)" " Ha!" " Aah!" "(grunting) Aah!" "It's good to be gnome for the holidays." "Looks like all you guys are out of rollover minutes." "Whoa!" "I think you have those guns pointed the wrong way." "What's going here, van Damn?" "Are all Alaskans this dumb?" "I'm actually from San Diego, he's from Alaska." "There is no terrorist cell plot." "These are just children's toys." "(ringtone plays, guns cock)" "Ah." "L.O.L..." "You probably don't even need that wheelchair." "No." "Actually, I do." "My parents thought that vaccines were for pussies, so... bummer!" "What do you want, van Damn?" "Same thing I've always wanted:" "to work in the hotbed of terrorism, San Diego." "Year after year, my requests were denied." "You already had your golden boy, and his name was Trent Hauser." "So, I just had to make him a little less golden." "The Christmas tree lot." "That's right." "I fed him some bad intel, made him seem like a mad dog, and you all bought it." " Yeah, well, he'll stop you." " Uh, 'fraid not." "According to my watch, my two best men are making him dead right now." "No." "No!" "Damn it!" "They sabotaged my car!" "(scoff)s" " I need your mower!" " Oh, my Gosh!" " Give me your mower!" " Oh!" "Frank!" "Trent, what are you doing?" "(guns cock)" "(engine revving)" "Time to cause some van Damn-age!" "Aah!" "Looks like you need a trim!" "Oh!" "Aaah!" "My legs!" "My non-working legs!" "I can't feel this, but I know it's still traumatic!" "I may always be an a-hole, but you'll never walk again." "Aaah!" "Aaah!" "Trent, we all chipped in and got you a gift." " My gun and badge?" " Welcome back, Trent!" "Really cheaped-out on this gift." "I got you guys all Blu-ray players." "I wonder how van Damn is celebrating his Christmas." "Who cares?" "The guy's bad news." " Always been." " (Kove)I thought he was charming." "You just can't stay mad at van Damn." "Yeah, for a non-Eskimo due, he was pretty cool." "It's as if he wasn't in a wheelchair at all." "If I felt emotion, I would love him." "He set you all up to be killed." "Now, Trent, it's Christmas, and that means even terrorists are forgiven." "♪ Silent night, (Alphonse) Oh, silent night!" "♪ holy night (Alphonse) The holiest night" "♪ All is calm" "♪ all is bright." "(Alphonse) Ain't it bright outside?" "♪ (all) Round yon Virgin (Van) Hey!" "(Alphonse) She was a virgin." "Help!" "♪ (all) mother and child." "(Alphonse) who was there, too?" "Is anyone gonna to arrest me or bring to the hospital or something?" "Hello?" "Ugh, this sucks!" "♪ (all) sleep in heavenly peace," "♪ Sleep in heavenly peace." " Merry Christmas!" " Merry Christmas!" "Mazel Tov." "(gun cocks)" "Hey, you shut your mouth!" "You don't talk like that!" "This ain't Hanukkah!"