" And you actually released this" " It got to No.56 in the charts." " Supported 911 on the Smash Hits Tour." " Can't believe you were in a boy band!" "If you were a pretty boy in the'90s with curtains, you just got drafted into one." "It was like national service." "And now a butter company want to use your song in their ad campaign?" "It's not a done deal, but... if me and my fellow boy bander can sort things out, then Spread Your Love could be the new soundtrack to buttery goodness!" "OK." "Listeners, Justin Hawkins is still with us." "Were you a fan of..." "what were you called?" "Twos Up." "Obviously a massive fan." " Had all the albums..." " We never actually released any albums." " Don't jump on the bandwagon, Justin." " Sorry." "Listeners, this is..." "Jesus, that's awful." "Can we...?" "Listeners, this is your last chance to vote in our online poll, which today is, "Should our producer Jane get a tattoo?"" "Jane's been toying with the idea, and we thought, what better way to make such a momentous decision" " than to ask a bunch of strangers." " 70% are saying yes!" " Justin, what do you think?" " I think you should go for it." "You can't ask him." "Look at him!" "It's like asking Amy Winehouse if she'd recommend a night out." "I actually get paid every time this is played, so can we just ride it out?" "Transcript:" "Chocolate" "Synchro:" "Ori-, mpm" "So why did Twos Up go their separate ways?" "Artistic differences." "Such as?" "I thought it would be a good idea to shag his mum." "He disagreed." "Thanks, mate." " You shagged his mum?" "!" " She sort of shagged me, too." " You're a mother-fucker!" " Mrs Spalden wasn't your average mum." " Great body!" "She's fit!" " How does that happen?" "She helped write our songs." "One day, when Tim was doing his canoeing, we decided to... spread the love." "You look beautiful." " Hey, Dom." "Lindsay." " Hey, Joe." "I heard the show." "You guys are so funny!" "Same again." "So you and Joe are getting pretty serious?" " Date Eight." " Date Eight?" "He's either loaded or hot." "Actually, we haven't slept together yet." "I want to take things slow." " Wanna make sure it feels right." " Really?" "I'm joking." "Do you think I'd be on Date Eight if he was shit in bed?" "You know when you were at my mum's for Christmas..." "You didn't...?" "Shut up!" "Of course not." "I was too drunk to get it up." "I just fingered her." "With my knob." "Look at the big DJ with his oversized sunglasses and his record bag!" "What is wrong with a good old-fashioned knapsack," "I ask you?" "You've got to take care of the vinyl, man." "Vinyl?" "Please!" "I bet he's got about half a sandwich and a copy of Men's Health in there." " He's got a few in there, all right." " I know it may seem a bit archaic, and that." "I've got a gig tonight and I just like to rock it "old skool"." "So you're, like, a proper DJ!" "Just like the feel of music." " God, that's so sexy." " It's a shame." "Us turntablists, we're like skilled tradesmen with dying breed." "Yeah, we are." "I know what you mean." "Whenever I crack out the old Lps, everyone's, like, "What the fuck?" "!"" "And I'm like, "Whatever, you know." "That's just how we live."" "Do you mix, as well?" "I do all that: mixing, scratching... beatbox." "I'm the Right Honourable Lord Mix-a-lot." "It's like a disease." "I've got mixer-matosis." "Is there any post?" "So... you can beatbox?" "Shit!" "Come on, then." "Let's get it on, let's get it on." "Come on, come on in" "Gotta get a rewind." "I gotta head off, serious." "I'm gonna hit the road." "Shit!" "If you mix, maybe you could save my life." "I double-booked myself for this gig tonight." "Reckon you could step in and help a brother out?" " You agreed to do what?" " Come on, it's just mixing a few records." "How hard can it be?" "I'm a professional DJ." "Here she is." "Come on, then!" "Where is it?" "What?" " The tattoo." " Sorry, I didn't get one." " What?" " But 70% said yes." "I know, but I talked to Joe and it turns out he wasn't that keen, so..." "I see." "Did Joey-woey not want Janey-waney to tarnish her pretty little botty-wotty?" "Shut up." "I slept on it, I changed my mind." "Jane, what's that on your forehead?" "Don't worry, it's just Joe's thumbprints!" " My decision, OK?" " Of course it was." "I'm sorry, I..." "I know, I'll send her right over." "That was Joe, he wants his dinner!" "Lindsay, I've set up those decks for you in studio 2." "Great." "OK." "It's time for L to the C to go shizoo his mizoo!" "You're supposed to do it on the beat." "I am doing this on the beats!" "There's something wrong with the beats." " Where did you get these?" " Topher." "Don't scratch them." "Wish I fecking could!" "Something's wrong with the decks." "Are they spinning the right way?" "You need an exit strategy." "When Mum tried to get me to see Riverdance," " I feigned mumps." " I'm not feigning the mumps." "It's a matter of pride." "Taking the vinyl bull by his 12" horns and wrestling it into a funky, beat-mix submission." "This is fucking!" "I think I'm coming down with the mumps." " Have you seen Topher?" " Bruv, you have to get in line." "Sorry, Lindsay, I think he's popped out." "You Lindsay Carol?" "Respect, man!" "You're that indie boy, innit?" "I'm that indie man." " Who are you?" " Name's Ades." " AIDS?" "!" " I'm here to see Topher." " Got something." " A knife?" "No, man." "I'm a DJ, too." "I done him a mix, yeah?" "90 minutes of pure class!" "Looking for a job, you get me?" " You've got a whole mix?" " Why?" "It's just..." "I could listen to it, if you want" "No disrespect, man, but I'm looking for a proper DJ." "Lindsay is a proper DJ, he's got a gig tonight." "Real?" "It's real." "Right, cool." "Have a listen." "E-mail and digits are on the front." "Out my way, fucking hippies!" " I'm sorry." "He doesn't work here." " Yet." "All right, mate?" "Mr Cox, my name is Henry Lawrence and I'll be representing Mr Spalden for the course of this royalty negotiation." "All right." "A drink?" "Take a seat." "It shouldn't take long." "An approach has been made by Lurpak who are keen to use your song as part of their new advertising campaign." "Obviously," "Any moneys accruing from the potential deal are to be split equally between the writers:" "yourself, Mr Spalden and Mrs Spalden Senior, yes?" "This very nearly didn't happen, Cox!" "My client wishes to point out that this meeting didn't take place, as he was reticent to enter into any agreement with you due to the... chequered nature of your history together." "Mother-fucker!" " Any more of that and you're out." " Actually, he's being quite accurate." "We shouldn't have called it Spread Your Love." "But, Watch Your Back, or Dom Cox!" "Or Fuck Your Mother While You're Doing Your Duke Of Edinburgh!" "Would you excuse me for one moment while I liaise with my client." "I'm Dom." "Nice seeing Tim again." "It's great how, old friends can just pick up where they left off." " I'm a fan of your show." " Great." "It's nice to meet pretty fans." "Most of our fans look like they were kicked out of the Ugly School for being too ugly!" " How's Mrs Spalden Senior?" " Good." "She wanted to come down, but then we thought you might fuck her," " so we decided against it." " Probably for the best." "Look, it seems silly." "Why don't you get rid of the suits so me and Tim can have a pint and catch up." "I think that sounds like a good idea." "Nice to meet you, Dom." "Lager top?" " What are you listening to?" " I'm just..." "listening to a podcast." "Salman Rushdie's new..." "cookery thing." " Topher buy the mumps story?" " You know what?" "I'm actually do it." " Really?" " I'll be all right." "But I need you to get me some stuff for the gig." " Thanks, man." " Delivery!" " Who's Jane Edwards?" " Really?" " Who's it from?" " Bono." "Shut the f..." "Bono?" "Really?" "Why would Bono send me flowers?" " I hadn't really thought about it." " They're from Joe." " What do they say?" " "Babe, great seeing you last night." ""Hope you're free after the show." "I'll come by and pick you up."" "He's picking you up?" "Maybe he'll whisk you to Paris and take you to the Moulin Rouge or to some Scottish castle, or maybe just to some posh hotel so you can fuck and steal the bubble bath!" "This is so exciting!" "Flowers." "Pretty!" "Want them?" "Charming!" "A romantic gesture from the man you love and you just" " discard them like a Chinese baby!" " No-one said anything about love." "Butter my bones, I'm gonna be rich!" "And he's forgiven you for the mother-loving?" "He's coming round." "Once we sacked off the lawyer and got a few pints down him..." " His lawyer was there?" " And his wife." "She was nice." " They're coming tomorrow." " Don't fuck her." " What?" " Don't fuck her." " What do you take me for?" " Don't fuck her." "Christ!" "I just said she was nice!" "I'm not a total idiot." "Of course I'm not gonna fuck her." "Don't fuck her." "There you are." "Did you get the stuff?" "Of course." " Records are inside." " Nice!" "Cool!" "Thanks, man, you are a..." "What the...?" "Five Star?" "Mr. Mister?" "Sinitta?" "Where did you go shopping, Neil?" "1986?" "I got them from a charity shop, 5£." "You said you weren't going to play them." "What if someone looks in my bag?" "They'll think I robbed Pete Waterman!" "Sunglasses." "Snazzy." " Do I look like a DJ?" " Kind of like... a radiator." "They're all yours, mate." "Here she is, Little Miss Loved Up!" "You got any bubble bath for me?" " No, no bubble bath." " So, where did he take you?" " We just went back to his place." " And?" "He cooked shepherd's pie." "Right." "And?" "And we watched Coronation Street." "And?" "Word to you, mothers!" "LC is in da house!" "Hello, Mr DJ." " How did the gig go?" " It was... it was pretty sweet, Daisy." "I was scratching so much, you'd think I had disco lice!" "They have asked me to do another set tonight, so..." "Hey, there... little man." " Shouldn't you be in school?" " It's Friday." "Yeah, I'm pretty sure they have school on a Friday, too." " Listened to my mix yet?" " I haven't, but I have got it right here and I am looking forward to it." "So you ain't listened to it yet?" "Not even a little listen?" "A teeny-weenie little one?" " No." "No listen." " See, that's strange, man." "That's strange, cos you seemed to play every single one of them tracks in the exact same order at your gig last night." "You were at the gig?" "You're in school!" "That door policy is a joke." "You're a joke, man!" "You're playing me." "Don't tell anyone." "Just chillax and I will give you half the money." "Half?" "You'll give me whole of the money!" " Fine." " And I want a job." "Hey, guys, let me introduce you to our new runner." "All right?" "This is Ades and he is my nephew." "AIDS?" "So you're a DJ too." "Does it get you a lot of pussy?" "OK, guys, Guillemots ready to record." "I mean, shepherd's pie?" "Isn't it a bit early for pie?" "We should still be eating oysters and strawberries." "You know, sex food!" "Pie is not sex food." "Have you ever had a sexy pie?" "What's next?" "Hanging round farmers' markets holding hands?" "You're overreacting." "You just had a night in." "It doesn't mean anything." "It's just pie." "When the moon's in the sky I like it" "When the moon's in the sky we like it" "It's not gonna give us bad advice" "So go and dance with your thunder and lightning" "Where the paradise birds are fighting" "Let's shake things up a bit tonight" "Are you coming out tonight?" "Are you coming out tonight?" "That sounds great." "That was Joe." "He wants me to meet his parents tomorrow night." "He's got tickets for Mamma Mia!" "I loved on earth tonight" "Hey, bro!" "There he is!" "Daisy tells me that you tore up the place last night." "What did you play?" "What are you packing, man?" "No, a magician never reveals his tricks." " Derren Brown does." " He's not actually a magician." "He's a psychological illusionist." "I understand, man." "Trust me, It's cool." "We'll hear it all fresh tonight." " You coming tonight?" " You got another gig" "No way me and Daisy are gonna miss your gig, man!" "Tell him." "Absolutely." "Gonna be there with the other screaming girls watching you work your magic." "We're playing at the Forum tomorrow night, if you want to come." "I can't." "I'm meeting my boyfriend and his parents and we're going to go and see..." "Mamma Mia!" "Maybe some other time, right?" "Man, this runner thing's taking the piss." "I've made 40 cups of coffee and I'm carrying cables, and shit!" "Cool." "I've got another gig tonight." "I need that mix back." "You can't use the same mix, Numb Nuts." "They'll notice." "I have to make you another one." "Cost you double." " Excuse me?" "I got you a job." " Yeah, as a slave!" "Where is Jane?" "I'm here." " You're cutting it fine." " Your arm?" "I got attacked by a bird." "I think it was some sort of sparrowhawk." "A sparrowhawk?" "!" " Really?" " No." "Of course not." "We're in London." "Every time!" "Fuck!" "You got a tattoo?" "I thought you said that Joe didn't like tattoos." " Dom, Tom's here." " Tim." "Whatever." "Hello, mate." "Glad you could make it." "Where's Hannah?" "Er, she's in the loo." "Look" " Dom, I'm really glad we managed to put that whole thing behind us." " It's been great seeing you again." " Yeah, yeah, yeah, you too." "And I even spoke to Mum, told her about it and she's pleased." "She said she was going to listen in tonight." " Hello, Mr DJ." " I'd better get back in." " I'll see you after the show." " Look forward to it." "Great." " Guillemots are in the studio with us." " Yeah!" "Hello, there." "That's the band, not the cliff-dwelling seabirds that only land to nest." "Your MySpace says that your influences are birdsong, first and foremost." "This is a track from your first EP." "It's subtle, but definitely something coming through." "For your next album, we could give you some new influences." "As a suggestion, how does it sound?" ""Spread your love love All over me"" "Just spreading the love." "I'm breaking up with Joe." "Good stuff..." "Have you seen Ades?" "We're not right for each other." "I'm rock'n'roll and he's pie." " Great..." "Ades!" " Here you go, Uncle Lindsay." "Great show." "I always wondered why Mrs Spalden had a little twinkle in her eye, and I think I'm starting to work out who put it there." "Guilty." "So... when is it my turn?" "I think I need a bit of fresh air." "Don't fuck her, don't fuck her, don't fuck her..." "Mrs Spalden." "I just thought I'd come down and join in the celebrations." "It's the green jacket." "I think I must have left it in the..." "Oh, mate!" "I'm so, so sorry!" "Still," " at least you didn't fuck his wife." " That's what I said!" " I didn't know you were coming tonight." " I wasn't gonna come, but my folks had to get an early flight so maybe you could meet them before they go." "I need to talk to you." "Fuck my arse!" "That's Marianne Faithfull." "That's Mum and Dad." "Your mum's Marianne Faithfull?" "Oh, my God!" "You came out of Marianne Faithfull's pouch?" " I've got to buy her a drink." " Marianne Faithfull?" "I'm sorry." "I was gonna tell you, but I didn't want it to get in the way." "I didn't want to come across as a rock'n'roll dickhead." "I really like you and I just wanted to show you that I could be normal." " Sorry, you wanted to talk?" " No, it's not important." "I'm gonna nip to the loo and then we can meet the folks." "Did you just break little Joe's heart?" "Actually I think I'm gonna give it another go." " Really?" " Really, yeah!" " Hang on!" "You're not getting me again." " I'm serious." "Good one, though." "Good try." "Whatever!" "Hey, Joe, are you all right?" "Yeah, I'm all right." "Listen, man, don't sweat it, all right?" "I think Jane's just got it in her head about this whole rock'n'roll thing." " How do you mean?" " You're not right for each other" " cos you're pie and she's..." " I'm "pie"?" "Yeah, but I don't think you're pie." "I think she's just got freaked out by the whole parents thing and that's why she's dumping you." "She's dumping me because of my..." "parents?" "Well, yeah." "I mean, your parents and everything else." "You know, all that shit." "I wouldn't worry about it." "I'm surprised you guys even got to Date Eight." "Jane goes through men like toilet paper!" "But keep your chin up, OK?" "Anyway, I'd better head out there." "I hear the crowd baying for some tunes!" "What's going on?" "Sort it out!" "Come on, mate!" "Holy fuck!" "Loser!" "Loser!" "Gotta get a rewind"