"The Prophecy of Angomorah was clear." "To save the resistance," "Kröd had to work side by side with his pagan maiden." "And while savage lessons learned in battle had forged Kröd's combat instincts, nothing had prepared him for the emotional trauma of working with an ex." " Hey, Hugo!" " Welcome, all, Kröd, Aneka!" "How's my favorite freedom-fighting couple?" " Yeah...excellent." " Hey!" " Actually, we're no longer a couple." " Oh!" "Yeah, we're...taking a short hiatus." " It's not a hiatus." " Right, we're completely broken up." "Completely." " For now." " Kröd!" " Why don't we all sit down and..." " (Sighs) I'll go outside and stand guard." "Stand guard?" "This is a resistance stronghold!" "Come on, in this very tavern, we've plotted raids, battle strategies." "Wet tunic contests!" "What?" "That was our most successful fundraiser!" "Come on, she won by a landslide." "Hey!" "That night never happened." "Never happened." "Um, we're not as safe as you think." "Wanted?" "Hey, Hugo!" "What gives?" "Kröd, I'm sorry, the Myrmidons told me to hang it or they'd torch the place." " Oh, right." "So, you played ball." " I had to." "Right, yeah, well...that's smart." "Thank you." "So...a toast?" "All right, well..." " To the resistance." " Hold it, master." "(Sniffs, snorts)" " Poison!" " What?" "!" " Hugo!" " Kröd, I'm sorry." "Forgive me." "It's the reward money, it's too tempting." "I've got four kids!" "One of them is special needs." "Aye, Kröd, he's a special!" "OK, I guess I understand." "The struggle for freedom's been hard on everyone." "Not me." "All right, well, let's just chalk it up to a bad day." "I forgive you." "I don't." "You're on my list right now, buddy." "OK, let me make it up to you, huh?" " Goat tenders on the house." " Yeah!" "All right!" " That's how you make it up?" " Hold it!" " Poison." " Now that's cold." " Saboteur!" " What the hell's going on, Hugo?" "!" "I know." "Look, the truth is I have two families." "It's one of those weird situations where one doesn't know about the other." "I thought it was gonna be great, but it's not, it's hell." "Now I'm in way over my head." "Now, please...forgive me?" "Fine, but I never want to see your face again." "Or hear your stories." "I'll tell you something else, Hugo." "You can forget about me settling my tab." "I'm gonna find a new place to karaoke." "OK, that was uncalled for." "Bye-bye!" "OK, guys, listen up." "If we're not safe here, we're not safe anywhere in town." "I say we head out to the woods and regroup." "(Shouting)" "On second thoughts, let's regroup here." "Sire, I believe they're ready for us." "Ugh!" "I dread these tedious press conferences." "It's a necessary evil in the information age, sire." "True, true." "It is remarkable to think - I say it in there, and within a fortnight literally hundreds of people have got the gist of it." "Spooky!" " Well, ready me, Barnabus." " Of course, sire." "Dub-dub-dub!" "Come on." "Dub-dub!" "Are you going to let me walk through like this?" " Dub-dub-dub!" " Oh, for crying out loud!" "(Shouting)" "Come on, guys." "Just let me go out there." " If you go out, I'm coming with you." " We live as one." "We die as one." "Tear!" "Seriously, if any of you want to surrender and go quietly," " I won't think less of you." " (Slurping)" "Oh, so you will think less of me?" "Fine!" "Kröd and Aneka, come out now and we'll let the others live!" " Refuse and we'll torch the place!" " (Cheering)" "Which, if you're wondering, does still make good financial sense for me!" "I owe more than the place is worth." "You think I'm bluffing?" "Ask my wife - she does the books." "It's true!" "Genius." " Yeah, it's not my..." " Hugo?" "Is that the whore from Harkouth?" " You said that was over!" " And you said she was dead!" " Dead?" "!" " I-I-I didn't say dead." "I said she might have been a little bit ill." "I..." "Would you just... please?" "All right, guys...this is it." " (Yells)" " Spare me!" "I'll save your lives!" "What are you talking about?" "No more tricks!" "Wife number 2 just showed up preggers." "I've gotta bolt." "In the storeroom I've got a trap door, leads to a secret tunnel" " straight to the Corrao Flats." " Nice try, Hugo." "Let me tell you something - the circle of trust is broken!" "Shattered." "We go in the storeroom, there's no escape, you kill me there." "We will kill you!" " It won't be "we", it'll probably be him." " Yeah, gladly." "That's fine, that's fine." "Come on, follow me." "So, do you think we should let the press see her?" "Rouse up a little tongue-wagging gossip?" "You know how the public love to speculate on my love life." "Sire, we've just received word." "Mändoon has evaded the trap in the tavern." "Daggers!" " Announce me, Barnabus!" " Of course, sire." "(# Fanfare)" "Presenting the esteemed Chancellor of the Great Province of Hessemeel, our dear leader, Donald David Dongalor." "(Chiming)" "Will you shut up?" "!" "It's very grating!" "Sometimes less is more." "Tell them, Barnabus." " Less..." " Let's have a bit of hush now." "I would..." "I'd like to stand there." "Can you move up, please?" "I have..." " Will you just..." "I want to stand there." " Sire, I..." "I should be standing in the middle, so move!" "(Clattering)" "I have an announcement I'd like to make." "I am doubling the bounty on Mändoon and the pagan wench to 6,000 mendulas each." "Dead or alive." "Yes, I know that's more than the lot of you will earn in a lifetime, but there's an old saying in Hessemeel " "I know it's in Harkouth, probably Hessemeel - that says, "Fool me once..." ""..shame on..." ""..shame on you." ""Fool me..." "you can't get fooled again."" "OK, let's take some questions." "Er..." "Yes, you in the rear with the greasy hair and the overbite." "Erasmus Foucault, Harkouth Herald." "Can you confirm the rumor you've acquired the Eye of Gulga Grymna?" "It's not the policy of this administration to comment on weapons systems." "However, feel free to speculate on how utterly awesome that would be." "OK, let's have another question." "Er, yes, with the cleft palate and the disfiguring acne scars." "Er..." "Olaf Oarskin, Kellkurg Crier-Dispatch." "Then you're not at all worried about the arrival of Emperor Xanus's weapons inspector this afternoon?" "Er... no..." "No." "I welcome imperial encroachment on provincial authority." "Right, well, I see we have no further questions." "I bid you good day." "Barnabus, find out who the Director of Imperial Communications is and have him slayed." "Lord Conover died at your hands last week." "That's right." "During a spirited duel, if I recall." " You stabbed him in the back, sire." " Oh, potay-to, potah-to!" "Which reminds me, I'm famished." "What say you to some gnocchi and turtle soup?" "Yummers, no?" "Barnabus, we must conceal the Eye." "Breasts." "Breasts." "Melons." "Bazongas." "Fun Bags." "By any name, a source of comfort and joy." "Unlike life in the saddle for fugitives on the run, seeking sanctuary and finding none." "With options exhausted," "Kröd reluctantly turned for the answer to modern science." " How many beetles?" " Two." " This is a horrible idea." " It's our only hope." "But look who we're dealing with!" "I don't trust these guys to make coffee!" "How long can we survive with our lives under constant threat?" "Hours, days, weeks, even?" " Come on." " How much arsenic again, Quasto?" " Um, well..." " Was it a pinch or a dash?" " Um...it's a dash." " Thank you, Quasto." "Wait, it says right there "a pinch"." "Come on!" "I can't read!" "That's nice." "We're trying to make him feel he's part of the process." " It's just..." " Monster!" " Rub his head, Bruce." " I'm sorry." "Everybody stop, stop." "This is serious." "Behold!" "The Taschen Life Suspension Potion." " Street name, goof juice." " Oh!" "Ain't nothing goofy about it, Bruce." "Pay attention!" "It slows your heartbeat down to nothing." "Breathing becomes so doggone shallow you won't feel your chest move." "Now, on a positive note, to any bounty-paying Chancellor, you'll appear dead, real dead." "Seriously, this is the best plan?" "!" "Oh, yes!" "Yes, I love it!" "Looks like it's been there for decades." " Excellent work, Barnabus." " Oh, no, sir." "Credit must go to the dedicated masons and artisans who worked tirelessly to create it." "Who you killed on my orders?" " Naturally, sir." " Loose lips, you know." "Daggers!" " (# Fanfare)" " Double daggers!" "He's here!" "Er..." "Barnabus, the armor." "Quickly!" "Come on!" "Vite, vite, vite!" "There we go." "Presenting Emperor Xanus's beloved nephew, third in line to the throne," "Ninth Earl of Braynehang," "Imperial Weapons Inspector extraordinaire and master of the pan flute, let's make some noise for His Royal Highness," "Lord Roderick "Boom Boom" Boddingto-o-o-o-o-on!" "(All) Boom!" "Boom!" "Boom!" "Boom!" "(Mutters) You are fucking kidding me." "Welcome to Hessemeel, Your Highness." "We'll see how welcome I am after the inspection." "What's that?" "Is that armor from the Battle of Fusilli Ridge?" "Itch." "Uh...yes, indeed." "I served the crown proudly there." " Drum Corps, second tambourine." " (Sniggers) Really?" "That battle happened over a decade ago." "Just how old are you?" "(Laughs)" "(All laugh)" "Well, what is age really?" "Only a bone-chillingly accurate measure of mortality." "Boom!" "(Laughter)" "Sycophants!" "Thank gods you're not like that, Barnabus." "You praise me sparingly, and only when I offer up a keen insight." "Oh, very true, sir." "Very true." "Now then... shall we begin?" "OK, here we go." "Goof juice mojitos from Bruce." " Enjoy!" " What part am I supposed to enjoy?" "A potentially lethal cocktail mixed by a grossly unqualified warlock?" "Wait a minute!" "What do you mean unqualified?" "You said, since my last performance evaluation, I turned it around." " OK!" "Say Zez did get it right..." " What do you mean, "Say Zez"?" "Get it off your chest." "What d'you wanna say?" "What about being buried alive, should we enjoy that part?" "If you're so afraid of dying, there's really only one choice." " I'm willing to take it." " There you go." "All right." "But first, a toast to the resistance." "All right." "Death to oppression!" "(All) To oppression!" "No!" "That's the exact opposite of what I'm..." " Never mind." " See you on the other side." "Oh!" "So how long does this goof juice t...?" "Well, Dongalor, it appears your barracks came up clean." "So, too, the armory." "It seems the only thing you might be hiding in this run-down palace are... signs of life." "(Cheering)" "I swear, if I had to live here" "I'd probably hang myself from one of your rotted beams." "Shall I send for the rope?" "(Murmuring)" "(Man) Too much!" "What's in this room?" "Oh, er...guest quarters." "Nothing more." " Well, hello there." " (Whistling)" "Please, rise." "I know I have!" " Boom boom!" " Nasty!" "Crass, no?" "And my poison tester is turning blue as a heron, so I turn to the Emperor and I say to him," ""I don't know about you, Uncle Xanus, but I think I'll skip the venison!"" "(Laughter)" "Oh, come on!" "Surely you didn't think that was funny." "It's the first time I've laughed since... you killed my father." "Oh, so you're going to bring that up every time we're together?" "Is this your pendant?" "Yes, yes, that's her pendant." "It's a chicken's claw." "A symbol for Nigel Fowlfoot." "What?" "Sorry?" "A symbol of what?" "Nigel Fowlfoot." "He's an alternative balladeer." "You wouldn't know him unless you're up on the indie scene." "I can't believe you recognized this!" "Nobody does." "Well, I should" " I designed it." "Nigel's a dear friend of mine." "He is?" "Well, what's he like?" "Maybe I can..." "introduce you to him sometime." "Yes, and maybe I might introduce you to my musical friend," ""Yodelling" Yorick Mueller!" " Who?" " "Yodelling" Yorick Mueller." "Oh, come on!" "Toboggan Built For Two." "Fondue, Fondon't?" "Has Anyone Seen Greta, The Avalanche Song?" "No?" "Classics!" "Nobody?" "Sire, the bodies of Mändoon and the pagan await your inspection." "Joy!" "Do excuse me for a moment - I must just attend to an urgent matter." "Oh, no!" "Did Yodelling Yorick suffer a stroke?" "Slip into a crevasse?" "(Laughter)" " There's no vapor on the mirror, sir." " That's 'cause he's not breathing." " The breath of life is gone." " I already told you that." "The hearts have stopped." "Skin's cold." "Pallor's gray." "They do appear dead, sir." "If we just could get the cash, so we can go..." "Not so fast, black man." "Oh, just double checking." "Sir..." "Sir!" "Yes, I concur with Barnabus." "The death taste is upon her." " Will you be tasting Mändoon, sir?" " No." "No, the death taste resides only in the female ear." " Really?" " Yes!" "Go and fetch the bounty or something." "Do that." "Nobles, you strike me as gentlemen of good taste." "Are you familiar with the Alpine vocal stylings of the late, great "Yodelling" Yorick Mueller?" "What?" "!" "Shut up!" " Of course!" " Oh, finally!" "He's only one of my favorite gay balladeers." "Oh, you people think everyone's gay." "It's in the subtext of all his songs." "How about You Make My Glory Whole?" "You Make My Glory Whole?" "Oh, yes!" "I suppose hole with an H, not a W?" "Yes." "What about Blowing Snowflakes?" "That is a song about a blizzard, nothing more." "Oh, please!" ""Snowflakes" Miller was his fiddle player." "Thus, the refrain, "Fellatio, Fellatio"!" "Yes!" "It seems I shall have to re-evaluate his entire back catalog." "I dare say Reach Around Randy requires further... (Kröd) Still alive." "Shocker!" "Aneka?" "Oh, it is you." "(Dongalor) .." "Sticky Steve Stew... ..Bobsleigh Buddy..." "Gods!" "I've missed this." "Sir, it appears that Mändoon is dry-humping the pagan." "I'm not dry-humping!" "I'm spooning." "And now I'm trying to escape." "Myrmidons...kill them!" "Wait a minute!" "Damn goof juice." "I knew this plan was a turkey." " No, no!" " Tighter..." "like that!" "Halt!" "Barnabus, look at Mändoon." " Has he gone gimpy?" " He's gone very gimpy." "(Laughs)" "Hand me my sword, Barnabus." "This is how great men make memoir moments." "Get up, Kröd!" "Oh, I can feel his dagger!" "Hello!" "Guards!" "Stand back." "Leave this dog to me." "So... here we are at last... mano-a-Mändoon-o." "Two great warriors at the peak of our physical prowess." "Well, I've actually got this blister on my foot from playing too much badminton..." "I digress." "Prepare to die, Mändoon!" " No!" "Master!" " OK, I don't want to see." "Stitch." "Oh, you're good, Mändoon." "Fierce." "Like a turtle." "But like all living creatures, I know your weak spot." "Get up, Kröd!" "No, don't!" " Please!" " Kröd!" "Oh, that's a bit unwieldy." "Yes." "(Laughs) Oh, Mändoon!" "You've dropped your sword. (Chuckles) The sword's on the floor." "He's not gonna to win now." "I'm gonna win, 'cause his sword's on the floor." "But when will the death blow come?" "Now?" "You are such a dick!" "Yeah?" "Well, you are...also a dick as well." "Brace yourself, Mändoon, for the final..." " ..humiliation!" " Master!" "I'm wet!" "Grab him!" "The goof juice soup should be wearing off." " She's my girl!" " Go, go!" " Get the sword!" " The sword." "No, I'll cover us." "Go!" " Hey, grab my hand." "Come on!" " Go!" "Kröd!" "Kröd!" " Are you there, sir?" " Hm?" "Yes...who is it?" "It's me, Barnabus." " Well, come in." " Come in?" "Argh!" "Argh!" "Help me, Barnabus!" "I've been beturtled!" "Daggers!" "The fiend Mändoon has evaded our capture yet again!" "Dub-dub-dub!" "Send a garrison after them, set up checkpoints." "And note to self - next time, kill first, taunt later." "Dongalor, you fool!" "You thought you could hide it from me, but I found the Eye... ..of a lass who's melted my heart." " Boom!" " (Laughter)" "Granted, she's not exactly what I came here for," " but she'll make a tasty little souvenir." " Souvenir?" "!" "How dare you refer to this young lady as your possession!" "She's my possession." "I abducted her fair and square!" "Look, old man, it's like I tell all my men." "You find 'em, I grind 'em." "(Men) Boom!" "Boom!" "Boom!" "Boom!" "Boom!" "Oh, and, Dongalor, I'll send your regards to my Uncle Xanus." "I find the attitude of the youth of today extremely disrespectful." " Extremely, sire." " Come along, we'll go to Mumsie's." "She'll make us rice pudding, she might even put jam into it." "Perhaps it was the goof juice talking, but Aneka found herself asking only one question of her handsome savior." " Who are you?" " Your humble servant." "(Neighing)" "Dongalor's Myrmidons are in pursuit." "I must ride ahead to draw them off the scent." "Unleash an invisibility spell on your team, my pint-size warlock friend." "Yeah, you know what?" "What I can do, um..." "Why don't we all just scooch back, because we don't have that type of time for me to do a spell right now." " How much time do you need?" " Just scooch back." " Farewell, friends." " Wait!" "I'm a fully licensed massage therapist." "If you need anything, just let me know." "Full body, deep tissue, shiatsu, back rub." "Bless your warrior heart, you are sweet." " Thank you." " Well, until we meet again." "Goodbye." "(Kröd) Aneka..." "Aneka?" "I'm right here." "(Whistles) Looking for me, boys?" "Giddy up!" "Yah!" "Er..." "Aneka?" "# The mountainside fell hard upon this fetching young brunetta" "# But still the woodsman searched in vain" "# Has anyone seen Greta?" "# Yodel-ay-ee-ay-ee-oo" "# Yodel-ay-ee #" "Oh..." "Oh!" "(Sniffs)" "(Sighs)" "Oh, I say..." "Sir." "Erm, the Myrmidons were unable to find Mändoon." "Daggers!" "Quadruple the bounty and scour the land!" "I want him dead!" "Well, sire, you might not need to worry, because... we've just received this rather bold proposal, which, if we can execute as conceived, there won't be a single resistance fighter left here in Hessemeel." "And who presumes to know our business better than we?" "That, sir, is the interesting part." "Interesting indeed!" "(Cackles)" "# Yodel-ay-ee-oo" "# Yodel-ay-oo-oo Yodel-odel... #"