"Captioning sponsored by FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY and TWENTIETH CENTURY FOX TELEVISION" "Well, you obviously enjoyed that sandwich, John Redcorn." "Now let me tell you about a different kind of sandwich you might enjoy." "At Strickland Propane, we offer our customers a sandwich of excellent service." "The meat..." "Hank, I'm sure your propane is wonderful, but the reason I met you for lunch is because I'm worried about the way Dale is raising my son." "Okay, easy there." "Joseph is Dale's son, and you have nothing to worry about." "Joseph's a good kid." "Heck, he's Bobby's best friend." "I saw him unscrewing saltshaker tops at the food court." "He ruined an old man's taco salad." "Well, you know how boys are." "Yes, but there comes a time in every boy's life when he must decide to be good or bad." "And a big strong boy like Joseph can be very good, or very bad." "He needs a vision quest to guide him." "Vision quest?" "All cultures have a similar rite of passage." "Your people have a bar mitzvah." "Uh, we're not Jewish." "Really?" "Look, if Joseph needs something," "Dale's his father, and he's going to take care of it." "Come on, guess." "Bear or raccoon?" "I don't know." "Bear?" "Ha!" "Trick question." "No one knows if the giant panda is really a member of the bear or raccoon family." "Tomorrow is going to be the coolest field trip ever." "Cooler than the science museum when Miss Cooper's shirt fell open?" "Is that what all the laughter was?" "I was in the giant ear." "Uh-oh." "Steve, Jake and Dave." "Hey, Gribble and Tubby." "Get your butts over here." "Now!" "Hey, would anybody recognize gangrene if they saw it?" "Hey, Bobby, where's Joseph?" "Stupid Joseph." "What the heck was that about?" "Oh, it's a very difficult age." "Yeah, man, I tell you what." "You talking about all them raging hormones, man." "Want to be a rebel and still a kid, man." "Talking about who am I, man?" "(glass shattering)" "STEVE:" "Oops." "Well, what are you looking at?" "I don't know." "But if it was a mirror, I'd kill myself." "(laughing)" "Whoa." "Those were the coolest kids I've ever seen, and they appear to be friends with my son." "Dale, did you see what they did to Bill's recyclables?" "Rude." "Rude boys." "Pish-tosh." "What's the harm?" "The harm is a little saying that goes" ""One bad apple spoils the bunch."" "Well, looks like a whole mess of bad apples just got dumped on our kids." "You know who'd be a good influence?" "My son, Trey." "Last week it was Travis." "So?" "You're cutting the field trip?" "You're going to get in the hugest trouble in the world." "Give your little pandas a shout-out for me." "HANK:" "Maybe Redcorn was right." "Joseph's falling in with the wrong crowd, and every group of bad kids needs a heavy boy to be the lookout." "And Bobby is so impressionable." "I hope he has the strength to stand up to him." "Mom, Dad, I just saw the most incredible fabric softener ad." "Is the supermarket still open?" "Peggy, keep him here." "Did you know there exists a softness beyond any softness you've ever felt before?" "MAN (on phone):" "Federal Reserve." "How may I direct your call?" "You don't know me, but I know what you're up to." "NANCY:" "Sorry, Dale, didn't know you were on the phone." "(gasps)" "Dale, I don't normally go in for that" ""it takes a village" garbage, but you've got a situation with your Joseph that I can't have spilling over onto my Bobby." "I know, Hank, but what can I do?" "You can tell Joseph he's not-to hang around those kids anymore." "I can't do that." "This is his chance to be cool, and you only get one chance, Hank." "I know." "Whoa, there, Gribble." "Where's the fire?" "Say, "In our wife's pants."" "Say it." "In your wife's pants!" "(all laughing)" "In your wife's pants!" "I won't do it." "Those kids like Joseph, and they're cool." "They're really cool." "Dang it, Dale, no one likes being the bad guy, but sometimes that's part of being a dad." "I don't want to be a dad." "It's too hard." "Dale, you can't just ignore..." "Yes?" "This is Dale." "Dale, the phone didn't even ring." "How good of you to return my call." "Sorry, Hank, this will have to wait." "REDCORN:" "Thank you for reconsidering a vision quest, Hank." "You think it'll fix Joseph?" "It fixed me." "There aren't too many former roadies who own their own healing centers." "So, how does one of these things work?" "Think of a vision quest as a purification process to read the bod and mind to receive wisdom." "(Indian flute plays)" "One prepares for a vision by fasting for 24 hours... no food, no water, nothing." "Then, one must push the bod to a point of physical exhaustion." "To achieve this, the seeker will often wander the wilderness for man hours until he collapses." "HANK:" "Got it." "No eating or drinking." "Lots of hiking, then he'll see something that'll make him okay?" "Hopefully." "In my vision," "I saw a majestic tree blowing in the wind." "But the tree had no roots, and was lifted up and blown away." "(playing hard rock music)" "Hey, Redcorn!" "Green tube-top, row four!" "I knew then that the tribal elders had interpreted my vision correct, and that wrangling groupies for Winger was no way to live my life." "So, I was thinking I would take him to Lake Buchanan on Thursday." "Yeah, uh, I'm not sure how well that's going to work with the whole, uh, keeping Dale from knowing about your, uh... hand in Joseph's creation." "But, Hank, it's really important that Joseph's vision be interpreted correctly if it is to guide him to the proper life-path." "Well, then, I guess" "I'll bring Dale and the boys camping." "Joseph will have a vision;" "I'll report back with the dream, and you'll fill me in on the sacred wisdom and whatnot." "It is a fair compromise." "But, Hank, this is an important ritual among my people." "Don't half-ass it." "Hey, I never told you what a great time you missed at the pandas." "We got to eat bamboo." "Then Clark Peters made a butt-crack out of his stomach fat, and a panda totally looked right at him." "Hil-arious!" "Plus, I got this." "Her name is Pang-Ni, and when I bought her, she was filled with Chinese energy drink." "You know, Joseph, uh, and, Bobby, and, Dale, while we're here, it's important to listen to what the land is telling us." "Yep." "You know, this land once belonged to the Caddo tribe?" "And the story goes that they once offended their spirits..." "Hey, speaking of the red man." "It's John Redcorn." "Hey, what a co-inky-dink." "All of us camping here, pretty funny." "Huh." "Oh, you mean, funny-weird." "That is odd." "Well, I won't keep you." "But, hey, remember to listen to what the land is telling you." "Especially Joseph." "I don't think I've ever been hungrier." "Yeah, I never thought" "I could go this far without food, but we're doing it, right, Dad?" "Give us some food, Hank!" "I'm starving." "Oh, blast it." "I think I left the food back in the van." "Blast it." "(Dale and Bobby groan)" "(Dale gasping)" "Could you have picked a site farther away, Hank?" "Yeah, what was I thinking?" "Your problem is, you never think about anything." "(coughing and wheezing)" "Look alive, boy." "Why can't we just go to sleep?" "Bears." "Hey, maybe Dale, Bobby and I should go get some more wood." "Joseph, you stay here." "The only thing keeping you safe from bears is this fire, so don't fall asleep and let it go out." "Whatever." "DALE:" "I don't want to walk anymore!" "How come he gets to stay?" "(wheezing)" "There's wood." "We're passing all kinds of wood." "Wood, wood, wood, wood, wood, wood." "Wood." "That's a weird word." "Wood... wood." "Weird... word." "Weird... wood." "Yeah, maybe this is far enough." "All right, who wants a candy bar?" "Oh, thank God." "I'm starving." "Dale?" "Wood... wood, wood." "Wood, wood, wood." "Wood!" "Wood." "(Indian flute  tambourine playing)" "Oh, my God, Dale, are you all right?" "I see the buffalo!" "I see the Indian!" "I... am... the Indian." "Oh, dang it." "Dad, where the hell are you?" "Dad?" "BOBBY:" "Your dad's not coming." "He's rolling around on the ground and eating bark, and my dad's saying "dang it" a lot." "This trip is so... sucks!" "You know what the land's telling me?" "Wreck stuff!" "(gasps)" "That's your dad's sleeping bag!" "(Joseph laughing)" "Look at it burn!" "(growls)" "Hey, Bobby," "I wanted to talk to you about Joseph." "If, uh, if Joseph's planning to do something bad" "I want you to tell me." "Wait a second." "You want me to be a narc." "Bobby, sometimes narcing is good." "You see that?" "If Boomhauer hadn't called me and narced on Bill" "I wouldn't have known he was in trouble." "Relax!" "Don't struggle." "You're just making things worse." "Don't tell me what to do." "I'm going to go out there and try to pry that tire off Bill." "I'll probably get kicked and scratched in the process, but that's what friends do." "(knock at door)" "Hello, my beautiful Indian brother!" "Can I come in?" "I got a vision that needs interpreting." "(sighs)" "So I've heard." "Please, Dale, that belonged to my father." "Yeah, it's nice." "What's that made out of, rigatoni?" "Bones." "Eww!" "Anyway, try running this vision through the old noggin." "There was an Indian..." "I couldn't see his face, but he was a big guy, about yay tall and yay wide, wearing a magnificent buffalo headdress, and he was making love to my wife!" "Dale, I'm not sure I..." "Hold on, there's more." "I suddenly found myself in a hospital, watching Nancy give birth to Joseph, except Joseph was wearing the exact same headdress as the faceless Indian." "So, working backwards..." "I fathered an Indian child, therefore I am an Indian!" "Okay, that's one interpretation." "So, do you have a regular place you buy your feathers and bonnets and so forth?" "(sighs)" "It's a website." "Yep." "Yup." "Mm-hmm." "(war whoop)" "Well, I'm just gonna come right out and say it, Dale." "Something seems different about you." "Something is different, Bill." "I had a vision." "I'm an Indian now." "Oh." "I always wondered why I hated the federal government and loved tobacco with such passions but now it all makes sense." "Okay, time-out, Sitting Jackass." "Have you looked in a mirror lately?" "You are the god dang whitest person I've ever seen." "I am the albino buffalo!" "Deal with it." "Is this your lunch period, or are you cutting?" "'C-'Cause I'm definitely cutting." "We're cutting and making plans." "Tomorrow night we are going to show those stupid fat-ass pandas who's boss." "We're gonna paint them!" "Yeah, we're gonna paint our names all over them." "(nervous laugh)" "Bu-But those pandas aren't gonna just sit around and let you paint them." "That's why we're gonna drug 'em." "We got bamboo soaking in NyQuil." "Hey, Joseph, nice skeletons." "Knife through the eye, huh?" "That's probably what killed him." "If you're gonna give me a hard time, do it fast, Bobby, 'cause I'm getting out of here." "You're cutting again?" "You keep it up, you're gonna get expelled!" "So?" "Steve's older brother got expelled." "Now he's got his own business filling vending machines." "Gets all the snacks he wants." "Hey, how about we go do something really bad after school together?" "We could buy a pane of glass and break it." "My treat!" "Wow." "You'd do that for me?" "My dad's got a new edger we can use." "You know, Bobby, I haven't been able to eat all day, and I can't sleep." "Can I tell you something?" "What's up?" "(sighs)" "Steve and those guys are planning this big thing at the zoo tonight." "What?" "I shouldn't have said anything." "You can't tell anyone!" "Everybody, I'd like you to welcome a special guest today." "A man from our local Native American community who took time out of his busy schedule to share a little something about his heritage." "Good morning, class!" "Or, as my people say, "How!"" "I can see your Dad's junk." "(low mumbling sounds)" "(Indian flute music plays)" "Dad!" "Dad!" "Everything all right, son?" "I was just doing some farming and I thought I heard something." "You're not crazy!" "I just had one of those vision things you were talking about!" "Maybe I should go talk to Mr. Redcorn like you did, find out what it means." "You don't need John Redcorn." "As an Indian, I'm fully qualified to interpret dreams." "Really?" "Is the wind sacred?" "Well..." "I was running with a herd of buffalo." "But I didn't run fast enough, so I got trampled." "And one of those Pandas was staring at me." "DALE:" "That's pretty weird." "Well, I guess the panda kind of makes sense." "Those guys, you know, my new friends?" "They were gonna do something real bad at the zoo tonight." "I know what the dream means." "The dream means:" "Go with the herd!" "Those kids are your destiny... they could be your one shot at coolness!" "So I should try to do what they're doing even if I think it's bad?" "Yes." "Yes!" "No." "No, you're not gonna just run with the herd." "The dream means you've got to run faster and be even cooler than them." "But they're gonna paint their names on the pandas!" "I could never be cooler than them." "'Course you could..." "by killing a panda!" "Yeah, but... isn't killing 'em like a crime?" "Absolutely, for a white man, but we're Indians." "We can kill just about anything so long as we use all the parts." "Hey, how'd you like to go to school wearing a panda head as a hat?" "Yeah, that would be cool." "Come on, get dressed." "We're going to the zoo." "What are you doing, sug?" "Oh, I get it." "No time for that, cowgirl." "Joseph had a dream about getting trampled by a buffalo herd, so we're off to do something spectacular to make sure the cool kids like him." "Bail money's in the armoire just in case." "Love you!" "No, no, Nancy, the dream is a warning." "Dale's going to ruin Joseph's life!" "I have relied on others to raise my son for too long." "No offense, but it ends now." "DALE:" "Shoot, the gate's locked." "What was that chant Redcorn taught me?" "The one I used to open the mustard?" "(chanting):" "♪ Hai-ya ♪" "♪ Grey Poupon, hey-hoi... ♪" "Dad, watch out!" "The gate is open!" "Thank you, gate spirit." "Oh, my God, they're eloping!" "No, sug." "It's about Joseph." "Can we come in?" "500 years of oppression and somehow I find this the most irritating." "We must find Dale and Joseph before it's too late." "(sighs)" "I think I know where they went." "Is it narking if I tell Pang-Ni and you overhear it?" "Bingo!" "You can't hide from an Indian tracker." "Let's move." "(groans)" "Joseph's never going to talk to me again." "You made a tough choice, but you might have saved your friend." "My people have a saying:" "When we ask for strength, the Great Spirit sends us difficulties, which make us strong." "That's pretty cool." "You like that?" "Hey, pass it on to Joseph." "You know, if you want." "Either way, it's no biggie to me." "DALE:" "Joseph?" "Yeah, Dad." "You are going to be so cool!" "I know!" "(war whoops)" "Cool." "Some dumb ass left the gate open." "(war whoops)" "Whoa, Gribble's gonna shoot a panda!" "Man, he kills a panda, he'll be able to get any chick he wants." "Joseph, put the bow down!" "Please, sug!" "Ignore the interlopers!" "Focus on the hunt!" "All right, Gribble!" "Do it!" "Kill that panda, man!" "Let me get you in frame." "Okay, kill it!" "The herd is pleased!" "You have to make a choice, Joseph." "Sometimes, a herd can be the safest place there is, but the wrong herd can trample you." "STEVE:" "Kill it, Gribble!" "Kill it!" "You heard him, kill it!" "If I killed a panda at your age, we'd be living in the Governor's mansion!" "Wow." "Whoa." "I didn't mean to shoot!" "It was an accident!" "He won't catch a bullet." "I'm not shooting the panda." "Hmm." "Like a lead buffalo, strong, independent... that will be your path." "STEVE:" "Hey!" "Boring!" "All right, there isn't gonna be a panda-killing tonight." "So, get home before I call the cops!" "I thought he was a cop." "I'm not gonna lie to you, Joseph." "It sure would have been sweet having a cool son." "(yelling):" "Hey!" "Hey, cool kids, look at Joseph smoke!" "Look!" "Nah, they're gone." "You know, Dad, sometimes the coolest thing to do is make your own path and not kill a panda." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "Sorry I narked on you, Joseph." "Yeah, well, sorry I was such a tool." "(awning)" "(awns)" "Dang, I hardly slept at all last night." "Then I had so much trouble getting going this morning," "I missed breakfast and the bus." "CONTESTANT:" "I'm gonna go with Bobby Panda for the win, Tom." "TOM BERGERON:" "Bobby Panda:" "A recent survey found that the most popular thing Americans like to dip in fondue is... what?" "My mother-in-law!" "(laughter)" "(growls)" "Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access." "Wgbh." "Org" "DOOLEY:" "He what a coinki-dink!"