"Rule number one of Alchemy - pick good ingredients." "First, carefully select rats' tails." "Stop show boating, Renfield!" "Immediately, Master." "Having prepared your blood mixture, carefully lay out the tails." "Then gently... ease in the power." "Oh, wow!" "Come here, my little beauties." "Your turn, Master Vlad." "No way!" "You know, my boy, when I was your age," "I grew a whole troupe of three-headed killer monkeys." "Happy times." "Make me proud!" "Look, Sir Manly Van Helsing, 1750-1789." "Porphyria Van Helsing, 1852-1892." "Abraham Van Helsing III, 1925 -1965." " What have they all got in common?" " They were all fine slayers." "And all dead before they were 40!" " You're 40 this year!" " Give it a rest." "I'm not like those old timers, I'm on the cutting edge." "See these?" "Blueprints to the castle revealing a secret entrance I bet the Count has no idea about." "A 3D fly-through on the computer - now that's cutting edge!" "I'M the slayer round here, and I'm going up the castle to prove it." " I'm coming too." " Get on with your homework." "Education comes first - that's what my dad always taught me." "You mean Grandad Norris Van Helsing, died aged 39½?" "!" "I mean look at this! "Heads with necks, heads without necks," ""lizard entrails!"" "Alchemy's just another excuse to get up to your elbows in blood and guts!" " Vlad, check this out." " I hate it when Dad gives me one of those looks." ""Vladimir, I'm very disappointed in you!" "Bride of Renfield"?" "!" "Oh, no, not that. .." "That!" ""Potion 666." "Transforming a Vampire into a Mortal"?" "!" " Will it work?" " Only one way to find out!" "Where's the list of ingredients?" "I've found some bees' bums." "I thought you could start with growing something small." " There's some pages missing from this book." " Ah." "That's my dad's book." "He liked to keep all his secrets up here." "He was a great alchemist." "Rotten dad but a great alchemist." " Did he pass his secrets onto you?" " Didn't get a chance." "He disappeared, like a ghoul in the night." "Never to be seen again!" "He can't have just disappeared, we need to find out what happened." "Ah, Zoltan!" "What d'you know about Renfield's dad?" "Whatever you've heard it's lies, all lies." "He sounds nervous." "ZOLTAN FARTS" " He smells it too." " Is that the time?" "I think I'll just go and..." "Spill, Zoltan!" "And I want the truth" " or I'll let Ingrid put itching powder in your stuffing again." " You wouldn't!" "Renfield Senior had this habit of skulking outside the castle." "I hung out with a bad pack of hellhounds in those days." "Anyway, one moonless night, my muchachos and I ambushed someone by the South Tower." "By the time we realised it was Renfield Senior, all that was left of him was what's in my basket." "Eugh!" "No!" "That's a little accident I had earlier." "The bone!" " So he took his secret to the grave." " No longer a problem." "Oh." "This is so what I want to do when I leave school." "Mwa-ha-ha-ha!" "Don't do this." "Renfield Senior was mad, bad and dangerous to know." "And when he sees me, he's going to want revenge." "You should get him a card " ""Sorry I accidentally savaged you to death"." "Shut up!" "I need to concentrate." "This is dark Alchemy." "We're going to bring back Renfield's dad." "That's it, ready?" " We're gonna need a bigger bolt." " Huh?" " Of lightning." " We could wait months for a storm!" " Not when your dad's Count Dracula!" " I just want you to know, this is nothing personal." " That's my diary!" " Uh-uh." " I hate to be the one to show you this, Dad." ""My old dad's a vampire, he wears a vampire cloak," ""but no-one's scared of him, they think he's just a joke..." Ingrid!" " But I didn't write that!" " ".." "He's getting old and past it," ""that is very plain to see, his hair is grey, his fangs are false," ""and his cardigan smells of wee!" I do not wear cardigans!" " And that's not my handwriting!" " That is no excuse!" " Everything ready?" " Check." " Good." "All we need to do is wait for the big..." "THUNDER CRASHES" "Easy!" "Don't fry him like those rats' tails." " It lives!" " And it's naked!" "What have you done?" "!" "Where am I?" "Do something!" "I'm Vladimir Dracula." "I'm your master!" "Release him." " I don't think he heard you." " Release him!" "Greetings, Master Vladimir." "Renfield Senior...at your service." "Am I good, or am I good?" " So you want to avoid becoming a vampire, Master Vlad?" " Exactly." "And I need to do it before Dad finds out, so let's make the potion." "Immediately, young Master." "Cool!" "Vlad, you rancid little worm!" "I'm going to kill you!" "What is that?" "Renfield, where...is my dinner?" "!" "Have you done something different with your hair?" "No, your Majesticness, it is I, Renfield Senior." "I was temporarily killed, but now I'm back." "Thanks to me and my Alchemy skills." "Excellent!" "Not quite a troupe of killer monkeys, but not bad." "I'm sorry dinner's late, Master." " Quiet, whelp!" "I'll get the Master's dinner!" " He's my Master, not yours!" " You want a bet?" " Nice going(!" ")" "You really think it's good having two Renfields stinking up the place?" "Enough!" "Ingrid's right, for once." "I can't have two of you loathsome creatures infesting my home." " One of you will have to go." " If I might be so bold, your Enormity." "Let Master Vlad decide." "He'll be head of the house one day, it'll be good practice for him." "I'm sure he'll make the right choice." "Very well." "Vlad?" "Sorry, Renfield." "I've got nowhere to go." " Why have you never liked me, Dad?" " Because you're weak!" "I told you not to let them Draculas walk all over you, but look at you!" "Their boot marks are all over your back!" " The Count's not really like that, deep down." " Deep down nothing!" "I let him and his father treat me like dirt because it was always," ""We'll grant you immortality one day, Renfield."" "But did they?" "Did they cods!" "Even after I offered to let them" " drain your blood on your 18th birthday." " What?" "Oh." "I thought you knew that." "Well, now it's payback time!" "I'm going to use that little brat Vlad to get my immortality, and then I'm going to reduce the House of Dracula to a pile of ashes!" "Have a nice life." "Easy, Dad." " What are you playing at?" "!" " Sorry." "I got these off E-Slay - tracking devices with a built-in alarm." "Jonno, I'm a trained slayer with 25 years behind the stake!" "Stop telling me how to do my job!" "Dad, it's not the '70s!" "How long until the potion's ready?" "I'll work day and night." "My only desire is to serve you." "Vlad!" ".." "Don't you think you're losing the plot a bit?" "You've got Ingrid into trouble, forced Zoltan to hide in the ruins" " and chucked Renfield out!" " Needs must." " Exactly!" "But you're the only...good one in your family." " You can't expect a breather to understand, Master." " Mind your own!" "Master, this is delicate work and all these interruptions..." "I understand." "Catch you later, yeah, Robin?" "Oh, so now you're chucking me out?" "Best it's just the two of us, Master." "We need to concentrate and we can't have any nasty surprises." "Noooo!" "How could you give my room to that stinkpot Renfield?" "!" " He was sleeping in a ditch." " Doesn't say much for your Mr Count, does it?" "It's to do with Renfield's father, he sounds...difficult." " Where am I supposed to sleep?" " You can always bunk down with us." "And wake up with your underpants wrapped around my head?" "!" " You can share with me." " I'll kip on the sofa, if it's all the same." "I'm sure Mr Renfield won't be any trouble." "Apart from the... smell, we'll hardly know he's here." "SOBBING" "Oh, my poor Master!" "Shouldn't you be working on the potion?" " I have my duties for the Count to perform, young Master." " .." "Er, Dad..." "Renfield Senior's worked really hard today, why don't you let him off?" "And what do you suggest I do if I want another drink, Vlad   fill the glass myself?" "!" " Work the old maggot to the bone, I say." "More!" "If I might say, your Gloriousity... ..in my day, girls were seen but never, ever heard." "Ah, those were the days!" "Welcome to the 21st century." "You pair of old..." "Mmmmm mm." "Er, why are her lips stuck together?" "Forgive me, your Magnificence, it's a potion I developed for your father," " to control the feisty females of his day." "I have the antidote..." " Uh-uh!" "Don't you dare!" "It's no more than she deserves!" "Perhaps you'd like to write a poem about this!" "Well done, Renfield, I must reward you." "Well, your Illustriousity... you and your father did always promise to make me immortal." "No, no, Renfield." "The Lord of the Dead can't hand out immortality like boiled sweets!" "I was thinking of an hour off, spread over the year of course!" "(Don't say I didn't give you a chance.)" "Mmmm-mmm!" "Mmmmmm!" "You don't have to make dinner for us, Mr Renfield, really." "You've been so kind, it's the least I could do!" " Stay where you are." " If Mr Renfield is good enough to cook for us, the least we can do is eat it." " Ugh!" " What is it?" " Road kill stew." " Oh." " How...continental." " Something just moved in there." "According to this, the door should be straight ahead of me." "Must have gone too far..." "Who's there?" "Jonno?" "Keep it together, Eric." "Slayers have no fear." "Hello, Slayer." " BEEPING" " Dad!" " SOBBING" " He's off again." "He's driving me mad." "Can you two stop dropping crumbs all over that sofa?" "I've got to sleep there tonight." "Right, that's it!" "I'm off up the castle to get this mess sorted!" "WHIMPERING" "Hello, doggie!" " What have you been doing?" "I thought we were doing the potion?" " Needs must." " What does that mean?" " Best you don't know." " But I'm your Master!" " If you want the potion this side of Halloween, be a good little master and let me get on." "OK, but don't be long!" "That's an order!" "What have you done to me, fiend?" "!" "I nicked a few drops of your blood for a little potion I'm making." "It's gonna be handy having my own slayer on tap." "Would you be so kind as to release me?" "Here." "No, you're not going mad." "If you could help me, I'd be very grateful." "He's going to throw me on the fire." " What sort of abomination...?" " There's no need to be personal!" "I haven't said anything about your smelly breath." "I'll free you on one condition - you lead me to the Count." "Never!" "Nothing you can do or say will make me betray my Master." " Fine, I'll leave you to the old man, then." " It's out the door, turn right, I'll show you the way." "Vlad, you're making people's lives miserable!" " That old man is messing with your head." "Get rid of him!" " Needs must." "You're even starting to sound like him!" ".." "Do you mind?" "We're talking!" "Apologies, Master Vlad, but may I have a quick word in private?" "Why aren't you getting on with the potion?" "I'm short of one ingredient - the blood of an innocent." " No!" "Not Robin, I forbid it." " It would just be a few drops." "He hates injections." "Let's find someone else." "No time." "Just lure him down to the lab and I'll take what I need." " He won't feel a thing." " He's my friend." "I can't trick him!" "What's more important - him or the cure?" "You're right, he is evil." "We need to get rid of him." "Let's go down to the lab." ""Need to see Renfield now!" What's happened to your voice?" "You Draculas and your secrets!" " Come to Daddy!" " Oi!" "Leave him!" "Apparently your dad's running riot up at the castle and you're the only one who knows enough about Alchemy to stop him." " And get Ingrid's voice back." " But I can't. .." "I'm too weak!" "Renfield, you're not weak!" "It's time for you to stand up to him." " But there's no point, now that Dad's going to destroy my Master." " What?" "Ah!" "BEEPING" "Dad!" " You're all right!" " I'm fine, son." "Let's get out of here." "Are you mad?" "We're in the castle!" "We can find the Count and finish him off!" "The stuffed dog's going to show us the way." "He can talk!" ".." "Tell him!" "Come on!" "See that?" "He winked!" "Did you get a knock on the head by any chance?" " Yes, but..." " Come on, let's get you home." "He did talk to me, son." "Course he did!" "My old Action Man chats to me all the time." " How will we get rid of old man Renfield?" " I'll explain in a minute." " Vlad!" "Stop him!" "Vlad?" "!" " Sorry, mate." " Don't "mate" me!" "What's going on?" " We just need a few drops of your blood for the potion." " That potion!" " Why didn't you just ask?" " You would have said no." " So you tricked me?" "Your best mate?" "!" "You're already just like the rest of your family!" "It's just a few drops." "Right, Renfield?" "Actually, no." "I need the whole nine pints." "Every last drop." " What?" "!" "See what you've done!" " I didn't know, honest." " I demand you let him go!" " Shut up!" "You really think I've been doing this for YOU?" "!" "The days of me taking orders from the Draculas are long gone!" "The Count will give me immortality or I will use this potion" " to turn him into a pile of dust!" " You'll have to go through me first." " No problem." " And me." " Mmmm mm." " Oh, look!" "It's Dumb and Dimmer." "I'm not gonna let you hurt my Master." "You won't stop me!" "You haven't got the bottle!" "See?" "!" "You're rubbish!" "Now, clear off, mummy's boy!" "You keep Mum out of this!" "She was twice the man you are." "She was weak!" "Like you!" ""You are so dead!"" "What's that?" "What's happening?" "The antidote to regeneration." "Second rule of Alchemy - always be prepared!" "You're going back to where you came from - a bone in a dog's basket." "You had to pick now to stand up to me, didn't you?" "You snivelling..." "But what about the cure?" "!" "Forget I said that." "Sorry I was so..." "Cunning, manipulative, downright evil?" "A real chip off the old block." "You did come through in the end, I guess." "Maybe next time you could just grow us some girlfriends?" "Nah." "I think I'm gonna give Alchemy a miss." "Speaking of which, how's lunch?" "Even better than before - slightly chewier and a bit more tang." "Renfield Senior must've had pizza for dinner." " Master, I'm home!" " Shut up, Renfield!" " Yes, Master." " How come he's back?" "What happened to the other one?" "He sort of...disappeared." "At least he managed to silence you before he left." "Think again, Daddy." "You gave her the antidote?" "!" "That's right boys, I'm back." "Run!"