"s subtititles subtititles by subtititles by ricky subtititles by ricky subtititles by ricky subtititles by ricky" "You know you ever heard someone say that old expression" "Everything happens for a reason"?" "Well I don't think that applies to me." "I mean I spend every morning rushing to work trying to catch the same subway to the same lousy job." "What's the reason for that?" "See I'm a researcher for one of the biggest publishing houses in Chicago but where I really belong is in Creative." "The problem is is my boss doesn't know it yet so I'm totally frustrated." "While my friend Paul keeps telling me" "You gotta be optimistic." "You gotta be positive." "OK." "OK." "You know what?" "Today is gonna be my lucky day." "Today is gonna be my..." " Aah!" " Oh!" "Wow!" " Hey look at that It's your lucky day" " Did you just see that?" "Oh I've seen it a million times" " You want it?" " No" "I don't want it Go ahead You got a new briefcase" "Yeah maybe its got a name on it or something" " Oh come..." "What are you nuts?" " What?" " You're gonna return it?" " Yeah" "Did you not just say you needed a new one?" "Yeah when I get my raise" "Haven't you been working there for like a year?" "I bet Taylor doesn't even know you work there I'd be pissed" " Are you pissed?" "I'd be pissed" " Yeah I'm-I'm a little pissed" "You know come to think of it I've never really seen you angry before" "Henderson you ever seen Tom really angry?" " No" " All right fine So I don't get angry" "What is that a bad thing?" "It's you know you keep it bottled up and then sooner or later you come into work and you mow everyone down with one of those..." " AK-47" " AK-47 You know just to impress uh..." " Jodie Foster" " Jodie Foster" "(chuckles)) All right I'll do it on your day off all right?" "(Paul) Touché There she is It's your Jodie Foster" "Paul come on man" "How you ever gonna get to know her if you just sit there?" "It's Taylor's daughter man I can't just..." "You can't just what?" "Huh?" "Are you gonna be a loser your whole life?" "Hmm?" "Just go over there and talk to her Go Go" " OK fine I'm going I'm going" " You're going" "Excuse me" "Aah!" "(baby crying))" "(mouthing))" "Hi I'm" "Ah..." "I" " Oh!" "Uh..." "I" " He wa" "Oh" "(dog growling))" "Oh!" "Uh..." " What are you doing to my dog?" " Ma'am..." " Who's taunting my dog?" " No one's taunting your dog He" "Oh!" "Uh..." "Um the-the d" " Um..." "Here why don't you take my seat?" "Here" "Great Now that's great" "Two more minutes and I'm gonna be closer than you are" "Look Opening Go" "Just go" "Go Go" "It's OK Go just go" "(conductor) Lake Street." "Lake Street is next." "You're Tom Stansfield right?" "From Research?" "Yeah Yeah Tom Tom Stansfield" "Stansfield from Research" "It's a growing sport you know?" "Paul there is no way that she thought that it was a wrestling magazine" "Oh come on Get over it OK?" "You're a little embarrassed It happens OK?" "Let me tell you something If I had a dime for every time a gay naked magazine fell out of my..." "I'm kidding I'm kidding" "What?" "Paul!" "No But seriously so you're a little humiliated" "At least now we've established that she knows who you are right?" " I'm gonna have to leave the company" " No you're not" "Oh God There she is" "Oh and I need to see the proofs on Thailand immediately" "All right What else have we got?" " Are you Tom?" " Yes" " Mr Taylor wants to see you" " Oh..." "OK" "OK" "OK you see?" "This is your chance This is fate This is what I'm talking about" "It's about that new opening in Creative and you're the man for the job" "You're gonna go in there and you're gonna pitch him those book ideas" "No I just..." "I'm really not ready" "Let's get to business Now we're steppin' up OK" "Come on You're gonna go in there you're gonna pitch him an inside curve..." "Wait wait Where is my blue folder?" "You don't need it Enough with the excuses already Come here" " You look good You feel good?" " I feel like I'm gonna throw up" "Well that's good I want you to use that OK?" "What is this?" "This dad's?" "It's nice Now get in there OK?" " Don't-don't touch my ass" " What?" "It was a light spank It was light" " Hey" " Hey" " Uh do I just go in there?" " Um no He's not finished yet" " but you can have a seat over there" " Oh OK" "Let me explain something to you Henderson" "I did not dislike your ideas I found them loathsome" "I hated them" " You're dismissed" " From your office?" "Nice try" " Good luck You're gonna need it..." " He's ready to see you" "You can come in" "You know what?" "We should have never let up after the Revolution!" "Sit down Sit down Coffee?" "We shouldn't have left you at toehold We should have driven you to the sea!" "Now... what's this I hear about you making threats to spray this place with an AK-47?" "What?" "Oh oh oh No That..." "I was just making a joke" "Oh that's funny to you?" "Killing everyone in this office?" "No No No no no no The..." "Paul said how I never get angry..." "And what about you making fun of midgets?" "I never made fun of midgets" "You said it'd be fun to date one because then you could rest your beer on her head" "No No I never said anything like that" "Apparently Henderson thinks you did" "Now I've got a good sense of humor but that's just plain sick" " But sir I didn't say..." " Audrey?" " Which file did I ask you for?" " Uh the Platt file?" " John Platt Not Sam Platt" " I'm sorry I guess I didn't think that..." "That's right You didn't think" "Now if it's not too much trouble if you could fetch me the right file..." " OK" " And get Tom and me some doughnuts" "OK" "Now..." "I'm told you've been trying to schedule a meeting with me about some ideas What are they?" "Oh uh... yeah I had-l had some ideas" " Something wrong with the coffee?" " Uh no It's fine" " Why'd you make a face?" " What?" "Oh well..." "It's-it's a little bitter but..." " Jesus Audrey get in here!" " Sir really it's f..." "It's not a problem" " I've burped up stuff better than this" " Sir it's fine" " Is something wrong?" " Taste Tom's coffee" "No really It's OK" " How would you rate that?" " Well it's not that great" "Not that great?" "I guess so Tom thinks it's shit" "Audrey are you retarded?" "It's not a rhetorical question Are you retarded?" "No I'm not retarded" "Because a retarded person can make a cup of coffee Am I right Tom?" "Oh I..." "I don't-I don't really know much about the limitations of the handicapped" "I know of an employment agency that hires out retarded people for $4 an hour" "So if making a cup of coffee is too difficult a task for you Miss Bennett perhaps you'd be good enough to let me know and I'll contact this agency and give a retarded person a job" "(mouths)) Wow" " I wasn't too rough on her was I?" " Well she is new and all" "Maybe I was out of line But do you understand what I'm dealing with?" "I mean here I am trying to fill a position in Creative and I can't seem to find one person responsible enough to earn my trust" "I sometimes wonder if anyone here even knows what they're doing" "I can understand how you could see it that way sir but..." "So you don't think I was out of line?" "Well if what you're saying is that a company is only as strong as its weakest link that makes sense but..." "Exactly That's exactly right" "A company is only as strong as its weakest link" " Yeah..." " Audrey get in here!" "You were right Tom I was too soft on her" " What?" "No" " Yeah?" "Audrey after talking it over with Tom here" "I've come to realize that I'm gonna have to let you go" " You're firing me?" "!" " I'm sorry It's just not working out" " But sir I was suggesting..." " I take my job very seriously" "A chain is only as strong as its weakest link" " Right but there's a whole other side" " Thanks for the support" "Audrey empty out your desk by the end of the day" " Fine" " Sir this..." "I..." "Thanks for straightening me out there Tom" "Right right But I didn't get to say what I wanted to say" "Oh your ideas of course Schedule an appointment with my new secretary" "Tom Are you OK?" "Uh... yeah sure" "I'm guessing by the way you look he's on another one of his rampages this morning" " Definitely" " Damn" "I was hoping to catch him in a good mood" "Yeah that's um..." "that's probably not gonna happen" "I'm supposed to go to this party tonight but my dad's making me housesit for his stupid bird while he's away this weekend" "Well why don't you go in there and tell him you're not gonna do it?" "I can't just..." "You can't just what?" "I mean live your own life and have a free weekend?" "No it's not that" " Wait it is that" " Yeah" " I should just go to that party" " Yeah of course" "Well um..." "OK I'm gonna go back to uh work" "OK sure" "Tom?" "I know this might seem a little out of place because we barely even know each other" "But do you have any plans tonight?" "(mouths)) No no no" " Uh... no I'm-I'm wide open" " We won't be home too late" "Hey it's no problem" "So the party starts at 7 You could be at my dad's house by 6?" " Sure" " You sure you're cool with this?" " Are you kidding me?" " Tom you're such a sweetheart" "Thank you so much I'm gonna love you forever for this" " All right Yeah who's the man now?" " See?" "What'd I tell you?" "(chuckles)) I'm a lady-killer" "How the hell could he be so excited about housesitting?" "He's nice Daddy That's how Most guys wouldn't even offer to do that" "I don't know if I want him around my bird" "Oh Dad will you just relax?" "It's gonna be fine I promise OK?" "I'll check in as soon as I get there 8:00" "If I sense anything's wrong you're coming back here" "OK OK" "(." "light rock)" "Very good Right on time" "Oh sir Uh..." "Hey is that a bear trap?" "Yes It's to keep the neighbor's kids out of my yard" "Sir I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate you... well..." "letting tonight happen" "I mean I know it means a lot to Lisa and I think you're doing the right thing" "I don't know what you're planning Stansfield but you're attitude is making me very nervous" " Those socks are clean right?" " Um..." " You hesitated Put those on" " Are you serious?" "If you want to watch TV the remote's there" "That panel controls the lights alarm skylight etc" "Yeah I probably won't use any of that stuff" " You know since the party starts at 7" " Party?" "I made it clear to Lisa you're not to have any guests in here" "You're the only one allowed in the house" " What?" "Lisa's not here?" " No Of course not" "Lisa's at the party... and I'm staying here" "Is this concept too complicated for you Stansfield?" "Don't touch the furniture" "And this is my bird's room" "(chuckles)) He's got his own room?" "That's cool" " (gasps))" " How's my little boy?" " This is OJ" " OJ?" "Like the murderer?" "No Like the football player OJ Simpson" "I've set the alarm When you hear it go off feed him" " (mice squeaking))" " Aw What do I feed these little guys?" "They don't get fed They are the food His diet varies but they're his favorites" "Hey don't you have to shut these doors?" "Not anymore He's been depressed since his mate died" "He won't fly Just sits in his cage" "Medication Give him two of these at 1 0:00" "I have to shove these down his throat?" "Just one The other is inserted into his rectum" "Don't worry It's not too unpleasant for him" " He doesn't bite does he?" " No Not unless you taunt him" "You're not planning on taunting him are you Tom?" " No" " I mean that'd be really sick" "No of course not" "And the most important thing make sure he gets a pint of water" "The medication tends to dry him out and then he can't breathe" " OK" " Well I must be off" " Henderson should be waiting outside" " Henderson?" "I thought you fired him" "Because his ideas were stupid?" "Of course not" "He's gonna drive me to the train station" "So you can leave as soon as Lisa and Hans get back" " Hans?" " Lisa's boyfriend" "So remember uh... water in the bowl medication and... anything happens to this house while I'm gone I'll kill you" "(door shuts))" "(Paul over phone)) You're housesitting?" "You gotta be kidding me." "(Tom)) I know it sucks" "What are you talking about?" "Don't you see?" "This is a test." "You watch Taylor's house come up with a couple of great ideas and if everything goes smooth you get the promotion." " You think so?" " Of course I do." "What could be easier?" "(crackles))" "(. "Not What I Wanted" by Evan Olson))" "(Lisa giggling)) What are you doing Hans?" "Come here." "Baby you're gonna burn so bad if you don't let me put this on you right now." "Oh my God." "You scared me Hans." "You're insane." "Put that down." "Want to put some on me?" "Put some lotion on me." " Is Jack around?" " Hey... what?" "Who are you?" "It's OK I'm Red Taylor I'm Jack's son I let myself in the back" " Oh Hey Tom Stansfield" " Hey" "Tom nice to meet you Am I interrupting something here?" "Oh no Uh..." "I was... uh..." "Oh your shoes" "Nike Uh listen Tom can you do me a favor?" "I lost my TV Guide." "I came over here to see if maybe my dad's got a copy of one" "You haven't seen a copy of the guide laying around have you?" " My sister in?" " No actually she's out for the evening" " Bingo (chuckles))" " Oh" "So uh you're here to..." " Housesit" " Oh" "Yeah it's probably for the best if you don't uh tell Lisa that I stopped by" " Why?" "Is there a problem?" " Well you know how uptight she is" " Really?" " I'm more the free spirit of the family" "Oh Oh boy See that right there?" " Kirstie Alley?" " Yeah I dated her maid" " Really?" " I boned Kirstie Alley's maid" "And this is while they were making Look Who's Talking" "Wow that's really something" "I'll tell you another thing You know Michelle Pfeiffer?" "Yeah" "I did the deed with Michelle Pfeiffer's cousin" " Wow" " Right out there in those bushes" " Right" " Ah she looked just like Michelle too except she was brunette instead of blond and she was kinda short and dumpy" "Well uh ya certainly have an interesting life Fred" "You married Tom?" " No I'm single" " No girlfriend?" "No and no actually I had a girlfriend but we uh broke up" " Ah" " Ah" "Listen I really gotta get back to work and since you got your TV Guide and..." "So you broke up huh?" "That's too bad" " Was your ex a looker?" " Yeah" "Yeah in my opinion she was" "I bet you you still keep a picture of her in your wallet" " Yeah I do" " Can I see it?" " Yeah I suppose" " OK" "Let me find her in here There she is" "(laughing)) Oh!" "Tom you lucky man!" " Yeah" " Oh she is a real piece of ass!" "Oh I could knock on that back door all day long!" " Yeah?" "Sh-she's a pretty girl" " Wow" "She has gotta be wicked in bed Tell me she's wicked in bed Tom" "I bet you she banged your johnson raw every single night" " OK..." " ...'cause that is one fine-looking broad" "All right Hey!" "Would ya" "I me" " You're talking about my girlfriend" " Ex-girlfriend you said" " Yeah but still it's..." "Come on I'm just making conversation You know guy-talk" "Look I just..." "I don't tell comfortable talking about my intimate relationships with a complete stranger" "Understood" "Well you know given how uptight you are talking about sex you pretty much answered the question" "I am not uptight!" "OK?" "Just because I don't feel like revealing personal details about my ex-girlfriend's sexual habits does not make me uptight" "I didn't ask you anything personal" "Well then what the hell do you consider personal?" "Well it'd be like you know if I asked you how big your rod was" "Then I would be out of line 1 00%%%" "No no!" "That is no worse than asking me if my girlfriend's a nymph" "I just asked you if she dug sex" "Besides I wouldn't have asked if I'd known she was frigid" "Yeah well she is not frigid!" "Are you leaving?" "Oh yeah" "And listen Could you do me a favor?" " It's no big deal" " What?" "A business associate of my dad's is gonna come by to pick this up" " It's frozen steaks it's a gift" " It's not cold" "Dad says that's the way the guy likes 'em What are you gonna do?" "Will you give it to him?" "(doorbell)" "Just one second" "(doorbell)" " Audrey" " Tom" "(man)) Let's go!" "Come on!" "Oh I guess this makes sense He's got you living with him now?" " Uh no I'm just watching his place - (car horn))" " He's..." "Jack's out of town" " He is?" " Yeah" " Aw shoot!" "I came by 'cause I was hoping to get my job back" "You know the one that you got me canned from 'cause I made a bad cup of coffee?" "Remember that?" "Listen I'm really sorry about that" "How can you fire someone for making a bad cup of coffee huh?" "I know That's what I tried to say to him" "I mean who do you think you are - Juan fucking Valdez?" "I might have had a future at that place if you'd just give me half a chance" " (man)) Let's get a move on saddlebag!" " Oh my God That's my idiot boyfriend" " (car horn))" " Hold your pants you freakin' psycho!" "God He drives me crazy" "Oh hey you know since you're on the rug would you mind putting these on?" " They're medical..." "I got 'em on too" " Ugh!" "Licorice" "I hate licorice I need water or I'm gonna throw up Ugh!" "Thanks to you I lost my second job inside a month and now I'm flat broke" "You lost another job?" "Yeah I got fired from my waitress job just last Friday" " Why did they fire you?" " Oh I don't know" "One of the assistant managers caught me making out with a customer" " Excuse me?" " Well I mean actually the customer was my boyfriend" "I mean he became my boyfriend after the incident anyway" " You got any beer in here?" " Uh..." "Hey" " Here we go" " Would you mind putting these on?" "It's a house rule Oh actually that's a twist..." "Aah!" "That's the counter Listen Jack is just a real stickler That'd be great" "No kidding I found that out this morning" "(man)) I swear I am gonna freak out and I'm gonna come in there..." " Oh man Spike's in a real mood" " Uh..." " Don't even... hey - (doorbell)" " Come on come on come on Shit - (Spike)) I swear to God Audrey" "I'll piss on this guy's front steps!" "Let's go!" " (knocking)) - (doorbell)" "If you don't open this door this second I'm gonna come in there and..." " Hi - (burps))" " (clatter)" " Don't worry Nothing broke" "Hey Baby come on What are you doing leaving me in the goddamn car?" "Shake that tail baby Come on Let's get a move on" " Hold your horses Try acting civilized" " Audrey!" "This is Tom the guy that I was telling you about from the office" "Oh the coffee dude" "You got some black ass karma headed your way superfreak" "Oh we don't need no lecture from you Mr High and Mighty" "Hey shut that sass-trap of yours little lady before I bounce you off the wall!" "Look I would appreciate it if you would take this outside please" "Hey I'd appreciate it if you'd go and buy yourself a bagel Jewy" "Jewy?" "I'm not Jewish And I don't think that making fun of the..." " Don't pay attention to him He's nuts" " I'm nuts?" " Who do you think you are?" " Look can we please take this outside?" "Oh come on" "You know what you are?" "You're a filthy little tramp" "Me?" "What about you and that waitress?" " Keep going" " I never touched her ever" " Swear?" " So help me God" "You swear on your mama's life?" "Hell woman I ain't gonna swear on my mama's life" " Why not?" "If you're telling the truth" " I think he's telling the truth Audrey" "Then why won't you swear on your mama's life?" "Well because I don't feel like I have the right to gamble with my mama's life that's why" "Gamble?" "But apparently you got nothing to worry about unless you're lying like a hunk of morgue meat" "Hey I ain't gonna sit here and get called a liar by no skankin' whore!" "Who you calling a whore you shrimp-dick bastard?" "!" "Audrey see now you're just provoking him" "That's a vicious flat-out bold-faced lie and you know it!" " Is it?" "Is it?" "I don't think so!" " I'll whip it out right now!" " No no no I don't wanna see it" " I'm gonna whip it out right now and prove to you that she's a lying slut!" " Keep your meat in the fridge!" " You wanna see my piece?" " All right All right!" "That is enough!" " Go get me a ruler Tom!" "You go get..." "That is it I don't care if you have a tiny shrimp dick!" " Or a giant whale dick which that's..." " Goddamn it Audrey!" "You tell him you're a liar or I'm gonna smash your face in I swear!" " Wait a minute!" "You put that down!" " All right Can we please just use fists?" " Come here you little... (slap))" " You hit me you bastard!" " I did not and you know it!" " He hit me!" "He hit me as sure as I'm standing right here!" " Did you hit her Spike?" " Yes" "With an open hand It was with an open hand" " So what if it's open?" " You can't..." " Then it don't count" " Says who?" "Says anyone Ask the Jew" "All right that's it You two have got to leave" "All right that's fine But she is not coming with me" "You are not welcome in the double ride" "Fine I don't care I don't need your lousy trailer I'll stay right here with Tom" " Fine Stay with Tom" " I'll stay right here" "Wait a minute Whoa Guys you need to try to work this thing out" " He hit me!" "He knocked me on my can!" " I know I know" "Well but it was with an open hand after all and..." "Relationships have their ups and downs you guys and you don't want to ruin this great... (yelping))" "Oh God The bird OJ!" "Oh my God" "(continues yelping))" " (squeals))" " Oh" "You come back here or Tom's gonna kick your butt!" "So take that!" "(revs engine)) Ooh I'm shaking in my boots baby!" "Look at those two OJ" "(phone ringing))" "(Spike)) Oh I ain't running away dummy!" " Hello?" " (Lisa)) Hi Tom." "How are ya?" " Hey Lisa I'm great I'm great - (squawks))" " Is that OJ?" " Yeah yeah." " We just had a little drink of water" " I haven't heard him squawk in years" "Oh yeah He's quite the crazy bird you know" "Yeah." "Anyway Tom I just wanted you to know how much I appreciate you helping me out tonight." "But I'd like to crash at a friend's place tonight after the party" "Would you think it was horrible if I asked you to stay the whole night tonight?" "Oh well..." "I-I don't think your dad would want me staying here" " Please?" " Yeah I suppose I could stay" "Thanks Tom." "I really appreciate it." "See you tomorrow. (hangs up))" "(Audrey)) I ain't afraid of you and Tom sure as hell ain't scared neither!" "Butthead!" "Loser!" "(tires screeching))" "Oh my God Thank God he's gone Hey so is it OK if I stay here tonight?" "Oh man it's... it's not even my house" "Oh yeah" "OK Well I sure as hell don't want any charity" "I mean it's not like you owe me anything so..." "And I'm sorry about that whole office thing" "I know that you didn't mean to get me fired" " Yeah You didn't deserve to get fired" " Thanks" "OK" "Well I guess I'll just go try to find a homeless shelter then" " Wait a second" " Yeah?" "(sighs)) God" " Look I suppose you can stay" " Really?" "Oh!" "Thanks Tom" "You're the best Oh and I'll clean up the kitchen OK?" " OK" " OK OK" " (doorbell) - (knocking))" "(Tom)) Yeah One second" " (knocking))" " There's somebody at the door" "Hi Uh can I help you?" "Vasquez sent me here to pick up a package" "Oh you're the..." "Yeah yeah yeah Red told me you might be stopping by" "Uh..." "Oh hi I'm Tom" "What is this Oprah ?" "Just give me the goddamn package" "Oh OK Yeah Um..." "I think this is it" "If this ain't kosher I'm gonna break his thumbs" "Oh well by law it should be stamped right on the package there" " (. classical)" " What... (squawks))" " Oh Dinnertime buddy - (. classical continues))" "OJ... today's specials include a scrumptious buffet of mice kebabs" " (squawks)) - (gasps)) Aah!" "Shit!" "Ah... crap!" "You son of a bitch" " (squeaks))" " Ha" "(grunts))" " (chuckles)) I got you now buddy - (squealing))" "(gasps)) Aah!" "Aah!" "(groans))" "(squawks))" " Dude that was cool" " Oh my God" " Tommy easy on the antiques - (squawking))" " Was that an owl?" " Yes OJ got out How is he flying?" " Well he is a bird" " He... no Jack said that he..." "Aw shit!" "I gotta find him" "Don't worry He'll probably come back when he's hungry" "No I have to find him or I'm gonna lose my job!" "You know what?" "This isn't gonna help your chances of getting your job back either" "OK" " Where the hell is he?" " Tom relax" " Relax?" "OJ's loose!" " (gasping  screaming))" " This is no time to relax!" " Tom!" "He's right over here!" " Right there right there right there!" " OJ!" " Right there!" " OJ!" "Stop!" "No no Stop Stop" "OJ OJ..." "Get up What the hell you doing on my property?" "Planning to rob me?" "No I-I was just looking for..." "Yeah yeah I see what you're looking for You got a thing for young girls eh?" "No" "Then why do you keep eyeing my wife you perv?" "Your... no I wasn't looking I..." "Arthur are you gonna be back soon?" "I need you to spot me" "Just give me a minute honey" " Oh..." "Please don't kill me" " I'm not gonna kill you OK" "If you let me live I'll give you my most valued possession Here take it" "You know what that is don't you?" " Evander Holyfield's ear" " What?" "The part of the ear that Mike Tyson bit off and spit out" " But it's white" " So?" " So shouldn't it be black?" " Well if it's still on his head sure" "But anybody knows that a severed ear loses its color" " No" " Sheryl?" " Yeah?" " What happens to an ear" " if it's severed from your head?" " It changes color Duh" " (thud) - (Sheryl) Ow!" "Damn!" " (Audrey)) Tina give me a beer - (man laughs))" " (Tina)) Oops - (man)) You have got to be kidding me" " (Audrey)) Try another one - (Tina)) Come on you guys!" " (clatter) - (Tina)) Party!" " Come on let's go!" " Audrey..." " What the hell is going on in here?" " Heads up" "Who are these people?" "I invited some friends over to help us look for the owl" "And Darryl even fixed the table in the hall" " Thank you" " He won't even know it was broken" " (bottle breaks)) - (man)) Air ball" "We'll get that later Everyone this is Tom" " Yo Tom" " Hi guys" "You guys Tom's a real good guy and his nuts are gonna just..." "Audrey could you..." " What?" " Listen I appreciate all your help" "But could you make sure that your friends stay out of the house?" " All of them or just the colored guy?" " No all of them" "Ooh that's smart That way the colored guy won't take it personal" " I have nothing against..." "Look" " What?" "I am responsible for this house and I can't have all of these people hanging around" "OK all right I got it You guys let's move it out" " Aw I was just getting started" " Good idea" "Thanks guys That's great" " (Tina)) What about the cake?" " Don't worry they're all good people" "They're not gonna steal nothing or drink too much like the Indians" "Look... just make sure they stay outside" " OK?" " OK" "(door opens%shuts))" " Lisa?" " Hi Tom" "Uh you're home?" "Why are you home?" "It's not worth going into I got in a huge fight with Hans" "Oh So... it's over?" "It's my own fault for dating a guy my dad likes" "Really?" "Yeah he's one of his top marketing execs You know Harvard Law" "Comes from a good family top of the tennis letter at the country club" " Tom can I talk to you for a second?" " Audrey?" "Yeah She came to uh talk to your dad" "OK I'm gonna go in my room You could stay if you want" "OK" " Tom?" " Audrey I'll be right there OK?" "OK" " Or you could go" " You know maybe we could talk later" "Here How about this one?" " What's going on?" " We found the owl!" " Where is he?" " Uh well he got away" " Where'd he go?" " He hopped somewhere in the bushes" " That's right" " What are you doing?" "Getting hamburger meat That's a good way to lure birds" " They like hamburger meat?" " I don't know I've never had a bird" " But most animals respond to meat" " It's a fact" "Wanna help me separate the meat?" "Speed tell Tom about the Kennedy assassination" "This is so cool Tom 'cause Speed knows who killed JFK" "No ask him!" "Tom ask him" " Ask him who killed him" " All right All right" " Who killed JFK?" " Desi Arnaz" " Oh" " His life just changed" "(squeaking))" "Oh" "Oh God Oh... oh... oh..." " Tom!" " (gasps)) Shit Lisa" " Uh what are you doing in here?" " This is my closet" "Oh Oh... uh I had something in my pants" "Um I was feeding the mouse to the bird and he uh ran down my pants" " (mice squeaks))" " I'm sorry that uh..." "Oh look!" "There it is!" "That way!" "The bedroom" " (Lisa)) Whoa Watch out!" " Aah!" "(groans))" " Oh my gosh Are you OK?" " Yep Yep I'm good" "Don't worry we'll get it later" "Oh here Let me help you" "You know I'm really glad you stayed I needed a good laugh tonight" "Thanks Wow Yeah could I make a bigger ass out of myself?" " (chuckling)) Do you want some wine?" " Uh no thanks" "Yeah sure" " Cheers" " Cheers" "Oh my God Is that signed by Walter Payton?" "Yeah "Sweetness" '85 Bears Only the greatest team ever to play the game" "Shut up Walter Payton Jim McMahon Mike Singletary" "You know what?" "You may be the coolest girl ever" " You like football?" " Yeah I love it" "I didn't know you guys liked football" "Yeah No me and Paul watch the game every Sunday" " Paul too?" " Yeah" " Oh - (chuckles))" "Oh what's that?" "Oh it's nothing It's just something I used to do" "That is really good I didn't know you were an artist" "I used to be but I couldn't get any more of my friends to pose nude for me" " You wouldn't be interested would you?" " Uh..." "You're blushing I was just joking" "I'm not blushing I just-l just get red from time to time" "You are so funny" "No seriously you should really pursue this I mean you're good" "I would but it doesn't really fit in with my father's plan for me" "Future of Midnight Owl Publishing" " (mice squeaks))" " Oh look!" "There it is" " He's right there Through the door" " We'll get him We'll get him" " Whoa!" "Watch out!" " (groans))" " Are you OK?" " Your dad's gonna kill me" "No don't worry about it It's my brother's My dad won't care" "Oh Red" " Oh so Dad told you?" " About what?" " The restraining order" " How's that?" "Yeah Red's not allowed within 100 yards of me my dad or this house" "He... uh he didn't-he didn't mention that" "Red's a freak You don't want to be around my dad if he finds out anyone was in this house especially Red" "It's like wherever he is there's trouble" "I mean one time he had this big party 'cause Dad was out of town and my dad came home early..." "Hey uh... you know since the mouse is gone what say we uh go back inside?" "OK" "(grunts))" "(both screaming))" "(. synthesizer)" " It was up for an Oscar?" "I hated it!" " I know!" "(laughing))" "Oh I hated that movie!" "Man I can't believe you" "You're like... you're so different from how you are at work" "What am I gonna do?" "Like walk around with my Walter Payton jersey?" "No no I get it It's like at work you have to be Lisa Taylor:" "the you know loyal employee to the family firm" "And I have to be..." "Tom..." "Tom Stansfield: the guy who will do anything for anybody" "Yup That's me" "I swear it's like I can just talk to you about anything" "I know exactly It's..." " Yeah this is crazy" " Yeah it is" "I guess it's because there's no attraction between us you know?" "Yeah" "You know there's none of that sexual tension" " Yeah" " It's like I'm with a girlfriend" " It's great isn't it?" " Yeah" "I mean maybe we could go to the mall sometime and go shopping" " That would be fun!" "Wouldn't it be fun?" " Yeah" "Wait you have to listen to this song" "Come on I need someone to dance with!" " You don't want to see me dance - (. "You Make Me Feel Like Dancing')" " Come on dance with me" " I have no idea what I'm doing" "Come on Put your hands together Yeah!" "Now go underneath" " What..." "like this?" " Yeah!" " Like that?" " Yeah!" "(squeals))" "Hold on hold on Watch watch watch" " (pants rip))" " Oh" " Yeah!" "Oh..." " I'm trying to do too much" "(laughing)) Oh!" "Yeah!" " (squealing))" " I'm a dancer" " Catch me" " Oh... what?" "(squeals))" " I got you!" " Whoa!" "Whoa... (chuckles))" "OK I am doomed" "Here" "(. "Better Man" by Martina Sorbara))" "Oh I love this song" "My friend Jenny does this really wild strip routine for her boyfriend to this song It's super sexy Even you'd appreciate it" "I wish I could be like her you know?" "She's so free and everything" "(giggles))" "(giggling))" "So what do you think?" "Ah it's... it's uh very nice" "So if you weren't gay this would turn you on right?" " Gay?" "Who said I was gay?" " My father You mean it's not true?" " No!" " No?" "God I'm so embarrassed!" " I can't believe you'd let me do this!" " I didn't mean to..." "I mean um..." "Why would your father say that I'm gay?" "I don't know Well you can't blame him entirely I mean you are a little feminine" " (gasps))" " Don't be hurt" "It's OK" "Hans is a bit of feminine too" "What exactly did Hans do anyway?" "Well it's not like he did just one thing" "It's more about trust" "Yeah Trust is... it's important" "Trust is everything" "I don't know Maybe it's me It's like I'm just sending out some kind of vibe" " I can't attract a decent guy" " No" " What's wrong with me?" " Don't even worry about it" "You're gonna find another guy so fast" "I mean look at you You're amazing" " You really think so?" " Why do you think I'm here tonight?" "Oh God Tom" "You didn't know You thought that... (door opens))" "Uh... uh..." "I'm gonna..." "I'll be right back" "I'm just gonna go and check and see if Audrey needs towels" "Tom you don't have to lie to me" "If you have to go to the bathroom go take a crap and come back" "(chuckles))" "(clatter)" "What the... hey!" "What the hell are you doing here man?" "(grunts))" "You try to bone Vasquez out of 20 grand and you ask me what I'm doing?" "You think I work for Mrs Fields?" "You think my boss likes to bake cookies?" " Whoa!" "What are you doing?" "Come on" " You tried to sell me flour" "Flour?" "I-I don't even know what you're talk..." "What are you..." "Come on!" "Look I'm just housesitting for my boss" " Who's your boss?" " Jack Taylor" "Jack Taylor huh?" "I did time in Joliet with a Jack Taylor" "Average height medium hair horrible case of folliculitis on his ass?" " I wouldn't know about the folliculitis" " I thought you said he was your boss" " He is" " And you never saw his ass?" " Why would I see my boss's ass?" " It stands to reason" "You work for a guy long enough sooner or later you're gonna get a glimpse of his ass" "Listen I-I don't know what line of work you're in but I've never seen my boss's ass" "Hey man..." "Hey!" "Hey stop it or I'm gonna call the cops!" "And tell them what?" "Your drug deal went bad?" "You rat me out I'm gonna carve you up like a turkey and beat your kids with what's left of you" " I don't have any kids" " I can wait" "(. cell phone ringing "Fur Elise" by Beethoven))" "Excuse me Hello?" "Right OK" "Tommy let's get clear on something" "In the next 60 minutes I'm gonna bring Vasquez what he paid for or your gift-wrapped nuts" "(door shuts))" " Oh hi Tom What's going on?" " Yeah That's what I wanna know" "What's going on with your dad's gift?" "See..." "Do you see that guy?" "He was gonna kill me!" "Don't you think you're overreacting a little Tom?" "Overreacting?" "The guy had a knife!" "I don't think that I am overreacting!" "He probably just had the wrong address" "I mean there's gotta be over a dozen Jack Taylor's in Chicago alone" "I'm gonna go to my dad's bedroom You tell me if the guy shows up again" "All right All right You listen to me" "You're not even supposed to be in this house" "Says who?" "I know about the restraining order Red" "Restraining-shmaining I mean that's just a big misunderstanding" "(Audrey)) Tom!" "It's OJ!" "(overlapping chatter)" "(Audrey and friends)) Oh..." " Whoa Hey Who are you?" " I'm here to see Lisa My name's Hans" " Is that so shocking?" " No" "What you surprised she'd go out with someone like me?" "No no It's not..." "Give me a break man You oughta be ashamed of yourself" "Let me tell you something There are a lot of girls out there who can see past the fact that I just happen to be... a few pounds overweight" "(crying)) You know inside I'm just like everyone else" " Let me get you a tissue" " Thank you" " I'm on the second day of a new diet" " Hey uh Hans..." " I gave up chocolate" " I'm really sorry" "I think that uh we just got off on the wrong foot" "Oh... uh..." "It's good to meet you Hans I'm Tom I uh... (clears throat)" "I'm just a friend of Lisa's" "Oh great Well maybe you can help me Is she here?" "Lisa!" "Lisa!" "Whoa Hans you know what?" "Maybe right now isn't a great time for you to see Lisa" "What say uh we get you a drink?" "Oh OK Yeah she's probably really upset" "You see we got in a misunderstanding tonight and well she left me" " Wow that's unfortunate" " Yeah" "Uh what happened?" "Well I think seeing me naked from behind like that kind of shocked her" "Oh So tonight was the first time" "Yeah Tonight was the first time It was awesome" "I mean I was lying up on the bed like this with one leg straight up in the air" " I don't think I really need to see..." " And I had a handful of ass right here..." " Whoa - ...and I had a handful of this" "Hans please Whoa God you're... that's..." " And that's when Lisa walked in" " What?" "She caught me in the bed with a blonde" "What?" "Aw come on man Tell me you haven't ever wanted to do it with a..." "Hans Hans No... you cheated on her" "You know something Tom?" "You're right" "Aw I guess that was cheating And now I've gone and lost everyone" "I should have known from the start it wasn't right" "She kept telling me I reminded her of her dad" "Hans you gotta realize that this is over you know?" "And you gotta put an end to it and-and move on" " And get yourself to a better place OK?" " Yes" " I think you know what I mean" " Yeah I do know what you mean" "And I'm ready I know what I have to do" "Well I guess this is good-bye" " (squawking))" " OJ!" "(Hans)) Thanks Tom" "(Tom)) OJ come back!" "(dog barks))" "OJ!" "(squawks))" "Hello You must be Julie's date Come in Come in" "Actually I'm just here looking for a bird" "Make yourself at home Albert Julie's still getting ready" " No actually uh my name is Tom" " I'm sorry I'm hard of hearing" " Could you speak up please?" " (shouts)) My name is Tom!" "I could've sworn Julie said your name was Albert" "No see I'm afraid that you're mistaken" " Is someone here?" " Yes This is Julie's date Albert" " Ah!" "Ah!" " This is my nephew George" " He's blind and crippled" " Oh Uh... (shouts)) nice to meet you" "I'm not deaf" "Excuse me I'll go see what's keeping Julie She's probably nervous" "So you're Julie's date huh?" "No I'm just..." "I just came here I was looking for an owl" "(laughs)) You don't have to make lame excuses" "Listen do you know what the advantage is in being a cripple?" "No I can't say that I do" "You don't really care to hear much what I have to say do you?" "No no It's not that I'm..." "You know what?" "Go ahead I'm listening" "Sit down Tom" "You know what I gained by becoming a quad?" "What are you shaking your head?" "I can't see you know!" "I'm sorry Uh... uh..." "Tell me what you gained" "I no longer need my Viagra" "Now I can maintain my arousal for hours" "That's-that's great I guess things have a way of evening themselves out in the long run huh?" "No not really And do you know why?" "No why?" "Because I am a blind quad freak you moron!" "What you think women dig this?" "!" " I mean you think women go..." " Well hello ..."l wanna give that mutant freak my number"?" " Ken Morehouse I'm Julie's dad" " Hey nice to meet you ls uh George boring you with his self-pitying tripe?" " Tripe..." " No not at all" "I'm blind I'm crippled Boohoo-hoo" "Leave the room I wanna talk to Albert alone for a second" " I can stay if I want" " Leave the room!" " OK OK" " Get out!" " You don't have to be huffy about it!" " Get out now!" "Get out!" " OK" " Turn it turn it turn it" " Oh for God's sakes - (clatter)" " I'm so sorry - (George)) Who the hell put that there?" " (cat meows)) - (thud)" "My daughter's gonna be a few minutes Have a-Have a seat Albert" " Tom" " No Ken" " Right You're Ken" " Yes" "Before you say anything Albert I just want you to know that Julie is really self-conscious about her appearance since the... the accident" " (door shuts))" " Right..." " Oh Julie" " Julie this is Albert Albert Julie" " It's nice to meet you Albert" " Wow It's... wow" "It's nice to meet you too But the thing is is that I'm not Albert" " That is to say that I'm not your date" " Oh" "There's been a giant misunderstanding" " Oh how could you?" " (crying)) I knew this would happen!" "No I'm telling the truth" "Julie wasn't pretty enough for you Mr GQ?" "Is that it?" " No you don't understand" " Oh I understand Fabio" " You broke that poor girl's heart" " No no See I'm not..." "Do you think Julie is an idiot?" "Do you think she bought your little fairy tale" "Mr I'm Too Sexy for my medical booties?" " Oh th..." " Get the hell out of here" "Or I'll kick your pretty-boy ass to kingdom come" " Am I interrupting something?" " No it's just that the..." " (squawks)) - (grunts))" "Tom there's two things that we need to talk about" "What?" "First of all I don't wanna wear these booties anymore" " No one else is wearing the booties" " Fine" " What's the other thing?" " Tina thinks she's got cancer" " Do you feel it?" " Uh I'm just..." " What's supposed to be there?" "I don't..." " See Tina?" "Move your hand to the left Now move it around" "Uh-huh" " Don't you feel anything?" " Yeah I mean no no" "No it seems to be..." "Well..." "Tina your breast is no different than mine OK?" " It is There's no comparison" " Tom feel my breast and compare" "Now do you detect any difference between our breasts?" " Well..." "You gotta slow down a little" " It sure feels good" " Well yours is a..." " (door opens))" " Lisa this isn't what it looks like" " I believed everything you said" "I'm..." "It was all just a bunch of lines wasn't it?" "No no Lisa it was all..." "I swear to you I meant every word" "This is... nothing's going on here" "Great Tom I'm glad you think I'm a complete idiot" "No no I'm telling you I was just checking these girls for breast cancer" " You make me sick" " No..." "Lisa wait!" " She's never gonna forgive me" " Of course she will" "Is this the first time you cheated on her?" "Yeah No!" "I... yeah... wait" "I didn't cheat on her I mean you were there for God's sakes!" "Look I know that you didn't cheat on her" " I mean you were a little grabby but..." " I..." "Look don't you think we should just find the owl and worry about your little "affair" later?" "I..." "I am get..." "I'm getting angry and I don't get angry" " Ugh!" " Hey Speed?" "Hey can I ask you a question?" " What are you..." "I thought you left" " I did... to get this" " All right Why is the fire going?" " Cozy isn't it?" " All right You put that down" " Make me" "All right" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Put the crowbar down!" "Or I will blow your ass to fucktown!" "That's right" " Don't you ever threaten me" " But..." "I got a gun" " What are you doing?" " Well Tommy we both have guns" "Only difference is you don't have the guts to use yours" "Oh yeah?" "Well what makes you so sure?" "Oh I'm sure" "(trickling))" "Oh!" "Oh..." "Jesus!" "What the..." "What are you out of your mind?" " (phone ringing))" " Stop that!" "Are you crazy man?" "!" "(chimes))" " Hello?" " (Taylor) Stansfield." "Anything to report?" "Sir!" "Uh everything's great I got... everything's under control" " Did OJ get enough water?" " (TJ)) Whoa!" "Uh OJ..." "What?" "Oh yes" "Uh Jack could you hold on?" "I'm gonna shoot your pecker off" "I don't plan on being away the entire weekend." " I hate you!" "I hate you!" " It's possible I may be coming home early so make sure that everything's in order." "Jesus!" "Oh something I forgot to tell you." " Sir?" " The fishtank." "It's a little low." " I'm taking care of that right now" " Good." "When I get back I want to talk to you about that position in Creative." " Aah!" " Don't get excited yet." "I didn't say you had the job." "We'll discuss it." "Uh thank you sir Uh great Bye" "Holy shit!" "I just..." "Boy I'm tapped out You got anything to drink?" "In the kitchen Thanks" "Dammit!" "Whoa!" "What the hay happened in here?" "Tom did you have a little accident?" "You might wanna try a few Kegels Kinda tighten it up down there" " That's it!" " I'm doing 'em right now And release" "Well when in Rome..." " (trickling)) - ." "Oh Canada" "Jack Taylor Rectacid Apply liberally to buttocks as needed to reduce redness and other symptoms of folliculitis" "Son of a bitch" " Did you piss yourself?" " No I did not piss myself" " Looks like you did" " Well I didn't" "It was that maniac downstairs" "We gotta stop him before he tears this house apart" "You know what you gotta do?" "Give him one of these little babies" " What's that?" " It's a sleeping pill" "I got 'em from Speed Here So strong so be careful" " It's powerful stuff" " Here Just one" "Be careful" "Hey Excuse me" "You know I just wanted to apologize for pulling that gun on you earlier" "That was totally out of line" "Hey you know I don't even know your name" " I'm TJ" " TJ?" "That's nice" "I guess maybe I was out of line by pissing all over everything" "Man... that was funny (laughs))" "Yeah I've always enjoyed a good prank What are you drinking there?" "Whiskey You want some?" "There's plenty of booze around here that's for sure" "Yeah I'll take a shot of bourbon" " Oh my God!" "Wow!" " What?" "Whoa!" "Look at those two blondes going at..." " Oh wait are there three of them?" " Where?" "They're going at it right up there on the second floor" " Where are you looking?" " Right th... uh..." "Oh man they left" "(chuckles))" "Damn I was all psyched up for some action" "Lesbians are very special" "Oh..." "Hey I'll drink to that huh?" " Cheers" " All right" "Mmm" " (grunts))" " Oh are you..." " Whoa" " Here Why don't I..." " (glass breaks))" " Whoa!" "Whoa whoa whoa" "(steps on glass))" " Whoa - (gong))" " Audrey?" " (babbling))" "Audrey!" "(gasps)) Oh my God!" "He's like a human vibrator" "What..." "All right what is wrong with him?" " I don't know Did you slip him the pill?" " Yes" "Then that must be it then" "You didn't give him the pill with whiskey did you?" " Yeah" " Oh no!" " You're not supposed to mix the two" " Audrey you did not tell me that!" "Everyone knows that you're not supposed to mix booze with pills!" " Come on!" " OK Is he gonna be OK?" "Don't worry He'll be fine I used to be a paramedic" " Tom?" "I think I found OJ" " OJ?" "I don't care about..." "We have a situation here Audrey call 911!" " I'm telling ya he'll be fine" " Are you sure?" " He just needs some rest I'm positive" " OK You watch TJ Use this" "It's not loaded but he doesn't know that" " (doorbell)" " Oh man!" " Oh hey" " Julie" " From... yeah" " Down the block That's right" "You mind if I come in?" "(Audrey)) All right You grab his ankles..." "Why don't we go to that room over there?" " (Speed) OK yeah I got this end - (Audrey)) Man he's heavy" "Do you mind if I sit down?" " Uh... yeah Sure" " Thank you" "Oh hey Sorry to butt in Hi I'm Red" " Hi it's nice to meet you" " Nice to meet ya" "Anyway I realized you were telling the truth when my real date showed up" " Of course he didn't stick around" " Well that guy is a bum" "Well I'm sure that had nothing to do with you" "No I know it did" "I've never had any guys attracted to me even before the accident" "Now that cannot be true" "Well... about six months ago I was hitchhiking and a trucker tried to rape me but other than that..." "Come on You're gonna tell me you never had a real boyfriend?" "Well once but I think he just felt sorry for me" "Oh well uh... how long did that last?" "Um... about six years and then one day he just left" " Another woman?" " No He got hit by a bus" "(Red) Well see that's not your fault" "Well he didn't seem to try very hard to avoid the bus" "I think he just wanted out of the relationship" "Julie why don't you sit in this chair?" "Oh geez I'm starting to feel a bit woozy" "(blood squishes))" "OK All right I have to go find OJ" "So Red if you could watch things for me that'd be great" "Got ya" "Look I think you're being way too hard on yourself" "I mean besides I bet there've been a lot of guys who've been attracted to you" "No he was the only one" "What about that trucker?" "I mean he was obviously attracted to you" "(sighs)) I think the trucker probably would have raped anyone" "I doubt that You were probably pretty special to him" "(chuckles)) So sweet of you Red" "I'm not just jerking your chain either I mean it" " (giggles))" " Yeah (chuckles))" " What are you doing to the lawn?" " It's OK Tom We just had to bury TJ" "Bury... what?" "You mean he's..." "You said he was gonna be OK!" "I thought you were a paramedic" " Well I took a course" " You took... you-you guy..." "You can't just bury him you guys!" "Well we're not gonna put him in my car" " (Audrey)) That's right" " All right Forget it I'm calling 91 1" " That's for emergencies" " What do you think this is?" "The guy's dead In 20 minutes he's still gonna be dead" " There's no sense of urgency here - (chuckles))" "No we have to call the cops and report it!" " And tell 'em what?" " The truth!" "That there was a... accident" " They might not see it that way" " Let's face it Tom You did kill him" " You gave me the pill" " Hey I didn't tell you to kill nobody OK?" "Well you didn't tell me not to use the whiskey!" " Well if you'd listen to me..." " You didn't say anything about whiskey!" " (whistles))" " I would think you would listen to me!" "There's no time for blame games" "Why don't you spread around some leaves?" "Make it look good" "I am not gonna help you conceal a dead body!" "Hey you know what?" "Don't you think we should say something?" " What?" " You know what?" "She's right" "Some kind of last rites or eulogy or something like that?" " I'm so screwed" " We should say something" "Fine fine You know what?" "Say something Get... just make it quick" "Lord this day we lay to rest TJ who was uh..." " I really didn't know him" " I don't know him" "I mean Tom you know him the best Why don't you say something?" " Me?" " Yeah" "All I know is that the guy was a violent sadistic goon that was into lesbians" "Amen" " Tom?" " Lisa" " I can't believe you're still here" " Listen please" "You have to let me explain" "Look Tom Tonight was just a big mistake That's all there is to it" "No you... that... what you saw with the girls all that was was weird timing" "Red?" "What's Red doing here?" "Red?" "Oh uh Red was in the neighborhood and he-and he stopped by" "But you see nothing really bad happened tonight" " Is he the reason OJ's gone?" " No No uh..." "OJ got loose" "And that's a little problem But we're gonna find him" "And we're looking for him so..." "What's this?" "Oh uh Tom killed a guy and we're burying the body" " OK that was bad" " Aah!" "OK well now you're overreacting It's not..." " Oh!" " Aah!" "(all yelling))" "All right all right hey" "Anybody moves there's gonna be a big hole where her brain used to be" "Yeah Go ahead shoot" "Well what are you waiting for?" "Come on!" "What are you waiting for?" "!" "Waste the bitch!" " Tom!" " No I don't give a shit!" " Hey I'm not joking asshole" " Yeah?" "Pull the trigger Come on Come on!" "I think you're just all talk" "Looks like we both got guns" "Who's gonna shoot first this time?" "(chuckles))" "(groans))" "(Red) Well that should do it" "Tom!" "You are so brave" "No no It's not even that big of a deal This gun's not even loaded..." " (gunshot) - (grunt)" "(man)) What the hell is going on?" "I never should have doubted you You risked your life for me" "Audrey found some bullets in the kitchen and I may have reloaded it" "Yeah I did" "Yo excuse me Does anyone here know a Jack Taylor?" "Why?" "This dude just called said if I don't pick him up at the train station in 15 minutes" "I'm out of a job What do you suppose that means?" "Oh my God" "That's what I thought 'cause I ain't got no job" " He's coming home early" " OK don't worry about it" "I'll take care of everything OK?" "Trust me Just don't drive too fast" "Got it" "And um maybe you should put that away" "Oh God" "(. "Go Home" by Barenaked Ladies))" "Ooh" "(squeaks))" "(sighs))" "(. whistling))" "I knew that was you" "(beer bottles clank)" "(Taylor) As long as we're in Thailand for the meeting on Monday afternoon" "Yeah We can pick it up when we refuel in Hawaii" "Hey uh do you wanna stop and uh get something to drink go to the bathroom or something?" "We'll take the departmental heads now and the Creative team in a couple of weeks" "(squeaks))" "That's the agenda up to lunch then there's lunch... (squawking))" " OK And then..." " (squawks))" " (horns honk) - (tires screech))" "OK OK" "OK fine" " Stansfield what are you doing?" " Nothing sir" "Hold on a moment please" "Stansfield... why don't you just concentrate on the driving and let me get on with making my call" " Wait!" " What is it now Stansfield?" "Oh nothing sir Almost home" " Hey How'd this get in there?" " Oh be careful with that" "I will Good thing I found it" "There's several ways to properly dispose of a handgun none of which include putting it in a garbage bag" "(cop over megaphone)) Freeze!" "Police!" "Freeze!" "Let go of the girl and put your hands in the air!" "You're completely surrounded TJ!" "Put down your weapons and put your hands on you head!" "No you guys Wait He's not TJ I'm Lisa Taylor This is my dad's house" "Ma'am we've received numerous reports from this neighborhood: theft gunfire..." "All right Look I know you probably think we may have killed somebody but Tom didn't know he poisoned the guy and we thought he was dead when we buried him But he seems OK now" "His head's just a little bloody from where we hit him with the shovel" "And I swear when Tom shot the gun off he didn't think it was loaded 'cause I put the bullets back in so if you'll all just step inside you'll see there's nobody dead here" "He may have had the wind knocked out of him temporarily but with a little first aid I think he'll be just fine" "(screaming))" "(screaming))" " (screams)) - (screams))" "Holy mother of God!" "(Lisa)) Hans!" "Yes I see I see" " (squeaks))" " OK fine" " (squawking))" " Whoa!" "Could you say that again?" "You're breaking up!" "One moment please OJ!" "(tires screeching))" "I just can't understand why you would do this Hans what were you thinking?" "He'll be fine He may complain about a sore throat but he's in a lot better shape than this chandelier" "Well I'd hate to be here when the owner gets back" "You can say that again" " (man)) Whoa!" " (car horn))" " Tom!" "Daddy!" " What do we got?" " What was that?" " Watch the glass OK everybody?" " Let's get 'em out of the car" " Oh my God!" "Daddy!" " Everybody stay back and remain calm - (Lisa)) Are you all right?" "That's him That's the one spying on me through the bushes" "He shot the bullet right through my Julie's bedroom window" "Here Tell 'em Julie" "You guys Tom wants the body in here" " (TJ)) Take it easy Put me down - (gasps))" "Stansfield what have you done?" "Lisa pack your things You're coming with me to Thailand" "No!" "Get his ass out of here" "It's funny you should mention the word "ass" Jack" "Why don't we start by talking about yours" "Excuse me?" "Lisa your father is not who you think he is" "The whole publishing operation It's a great cover" "Now how'd you do it?" "What'd you do?" "Did you hollow out the books?" "Oh and locating the plant in Thailand It's genius!" " What are you talking about?" " What am I..." "Jack" "You know I-I would've believed you Jack... until I met this man who seems to know a lot about ya" "Recognize this?" "I hear it's very effective in relieving folliculitis" "I don't have folliculitis" "He's given me no choice" " He's given me no choice!" " Tom what are you doing?" " This is insane!" " Yeah?" "Take a look at your dad's ass" " No!" " Then tell me I'm insane huh?" " (all) Oh!" "Ooh!" " Huh?" "Huh?" "Look at it!" "Look at it!" "Huh?" "Huh?" " Ooh..." " What?" "(man)) Oh that's nasty" "I told you I don't have folliculitis you blithering idiot" "Well guys the ointment must have worked" "Let's go" "Wait!" "I have something to show ya" "(all) Oh!" "(Hans)) What's with this movie and the ass cheeks?" "My real name is Jack Taylor..." "Jr Red is my nickname" "Now you know why I'm the whole reason that TJ's here" "Goddamn it Red You've been dealing drugs out of my house!" "No Dad I swear I gave this guy a bag of flour" "I dumped a kilo of the real stuff down the toilet" "I'm finished dealing for good" "The lime green toilet with the wooden seat?" " Yeah why?" " (squawking))" "(all) Ooh!" "(all) Whoa!" "Wait a second He's flying" "He's flying" "(squawking))" "(all) Whoa!" " (OJ squeals)) - (car horn))" " (tires screeching)) - (crash))" "Get him out of my sight Now Lisa let's go" "That's the one He got my ear!" "Evander Holyfield's ear" "You have to right to remain silent Anything you say can and..." "Lisa wait!" "(Arthur) That's Holyfield's ear for God's sake" "(thunder rolling))" " (squawking))" " OJ?" "OJ!" "Come to Daddy How's my little boy?" "(squawking))" " You're going with him?" " What choice do I have?" "He needs me" "Are you actually feeling sorry for him?" "He's manipulating you and you are buying it" "All right fine You do what you gotta do I am gonna bail Tom out of jail" "With what?" "Your drug money?" "No no no I stole this out of Dad's safe" "Look the important thing is somebody has gotta help Tom" "You know that nothing that happened here last night was any of his fault" "It's funny The nicest guy in the world's the only one with enough balls to stand up to Dad" "All he wanted to do was to spend some time with you" "Look what it gets him" "Classic Dad I'm not allowed in the house you're not allowed out of it" "He doesn't care about us Only that stupid bird" " Hey Red can I tell you something?" " Sure" "I know this is gonna sound weird but ever since I was a little kid..." "I used to always wish that I was that stupid bird" "Aw" "(squawks))" "Look I think it's about time you talk to Dad" "At least tell him how you feel You can do it" "(grunts))" "(yells))" "Don't you see we have no reason to be afraid of him?" " Aah!" " (screaming))" "Aah!" "(grunting)) Aah!" " (yells)) - (thud)" " Daddy!" " Lisa don't let him do this to you" "Lisa!" "Aah!" " Lisa!" " Tom!" "Red bailed me out... and told me you were here and I'm not letting you go" " Yeah but I'm..." " No You're gonna let me finish" "I went through hell last night and it was my fault 'cause I let people do it to me" "And now you're gonna make the same mistake" " Yeah but..." " This isn't what you want" "This is what your father wants And you know what?" "Maybe you and I... never are gonna work And that hurts" "But not as much as watching you be controlled by a ruthless tyrant that would screw his own mother if he thought it'd help him get ahead..." "Tom!" "I'm not going" "She's-she's not going" "Is this whole concept too complicated for you Stansfield?" "No No" "All right (chuckles))" "Wha..." "I..." "What made you stay?" "That" " How did you guys..." " We finally had our long overdue talk" "Then-then who's taking your place in Thailand?" " He is - (gong))" " What's this?" " (neck cracks)) Ow!" " I'm kidding" " I don't wanna go I'm afraid" "Nonsense Everyone knows that uh..." "Asian people are very intimidated by uh..." " Tall men?" " Canadians?" " Republicans?" " Blacks?" " Henderson?" " Yes sir" "I won't have that kind of thinking in this company" "There's no room for racism here You're fired" "Now Tom the point that I'm getting to is that with a big part of the team away" "I'm gonna want you to take over the Creative Department" " Me?" " No need to be modest" "I saw those ideas you left in the living room" "Your theory on the JFK thing brilliant And the moon landing a hoax?" "You're really on to something there" "That's the kind of thinking that's gonna sell books" "Uh thank you sir" "Bye Daddy Have a safe flight" "Well Dad... that's fantastic You promoted Tom" "Yeah well I figure anyone who's got the guts to piss on my Persian carpet has gotta have what it takes Stansfield!" "(trickling))" " What the hell are you doing?" " Just trying to get my job back sir" "(. "If I Had $ 1000000" by Barenaked Ladies))" " (Lisa squeals)) - (chuckles))" "(Tom)) You know after everything that happened after all I went through" "I guess it was my lucky day." "And I'm not the only one." "Based on Lisa and Red's suggestions" "Jack restructured the company from top to bottom." "Even instituting casual Fridays every day." "And last Friday was Henderson's 27th straight day on the job without being fired." "OJ's back off the drugs and now he only drinks beer." "(burps))" "(chuckles)) But he still has an occasional flashback." "(squawks))" "Jack begged Audrey to come back but she got a job at of all places a coffee shop." " Ew!" " Ugh!" " Ew!" " Ew!" "This is terrible!" "Hans succeeded in turning around the company's factory in Thailand." "But apparently he's still struggling to cope with the local customs." " Back of bus!" " Excuse me?" " You people belong back of bus" " That's an outrage!" "Man I'm not gonna let you treat me like that merely because I'm..." "Smoking!" "Smokers belong back of bus!" "(coughing))" "As for me with my new promotion" "I could at last write books based on my own experiences." " So I did." " Thank you" "And Lisa was finally able to pursue a career that she loved." "You know you ever heard someone say that old expression.:" "Why does everything bad always happen to me?" "Well I don't get those people..." "'cause I've learned that if they just stop and look around they'd realize that everything happens for a reason." "(. "If I Had $ 1000000" by Barenaked Ladies continues))" "(. "Burn the Boats" by Early Edison))" "P" "Presented" "Presented by" "Presented by ricky" "Presented by ricky" "Presented by ricky" "Presented by ricky"