"WALDEN:" "Previously on Two and a Half Men..." "So, what happened between you and your girl?" "She wanted to get married and I'm just not sure I'm ready." "That's the same reason I lost Lyndsey." "You gotta get her back." "Don't make the same mistake I did." "I am gonna ask Lyndsey to marry me." "I just have to get a ring." "I've got a ring you could have." "You must be here to see your friend Larry who is also here." "Lyndsey MacElroy, will you marry me?" "Yes, I will marry you." "(LAUGHS)" "What's going on, down here?" "I got up to pee and I heard moaning." "No, you heard crying." "(WOMAN ON TV MOANS)" "And moaning." "You're watching porn at 3:00 in the morning?" "No, it's that soft-core flick that Lyndsey made, back in the '90s," "Cinnamon's Buns." "Nothing brings me back like hearing her fake an orgasm." "Listen, I know that breakups are hard." "But please tell me those were for crying." "Oh, yes, yes, yes." "Crying, yes, very upset, very upset, yes." "Well, you know, you're a classy guy, Alan." "It's hard to understand why she accepted Larry's proposal and not yours." "Well, technically," " I never actually proposed to her." " What?" "Well, when I got there, he was already doing it." "So I just figured" "I'd chalk this one up as another loss and move on." "Universe: 82,223." "Alan: 12." "Oh, come on, you're exaggerating." "You have not had 12 victories." "Yes, I have." "My son, plus the number of years I've lived here rent-free." "I can't believe you just stood there while another guy proposed to your girl and didn't say anything." "There's nothing I can do about it." "Larry's the one frosting her muffins now." "Have we learned nothing from Cinnamon's Buns?" "She told Master Baker, "No," five times." "Did he listen?" "No." "Well, the only reason Lyndsey settled for Larry is because she didn't know she could settle for you!" "Right, I mean, you're a handsome billionaire and you settled for me." "She's just a divorced, middle-aged lush... of my dreams." "That's the spirit." "Now, get up and wash your hands, burn this couch and go get your surprisingly flexible girlfriend back." "You're right, you're right." "Thanks, Walden." "WOMAN:" "Oh, Master Baker, would you like to watch, while I train this lovely, young maiden to churn your butter?" "Maybe one more scene." "This is a pivotal part of the film." "You might need this." "This scene's a real tear... jerker." "♫ (THEME SONG PLAYING) ♫" "Hey, Berta, how about a cup of coffee?" "No, thanks, I just had a cup." "I don't know why you keep her on payroll." "Says the guy I pay to be my assistant." "Oh, that's still a thing?" "Oh, cup of joe, coming right up, boss." "Hey, what are you doing there?" "I'm making breakfast in bed for Brooke." "Hey, what tastes good on boobs?" "Pineapple rings are always fun." "Yeah, you get the room nice and cold, you play ring-toss." "Yeah, and with Brooke's bad boys, you could play..." " Hey." " Omaha, Omaha." "What?" "Nothing, we weren't talking about your boobs." "Why not?" "You stare at them enough." "What?" "I don't." "I never..." "I'm sorry." " Where are you going?" " Gotta get to work." "You can't leave." "Breakfast-sex is the most important meal of the day." "Sorry." "I'll call you later, okay, babe?" "No worries." "Call me whenever you can." " Oh, God, she's dumping me." " What are you talking about?" "Didn't you just hear that?" "She's "going to work."" "Okay, I know no one in this house is familiar with it but "going to work" is an actual thing." "It's kind of like "paying rent."" "It's not just that." "It's been forever since we had sex." " Well, how long is "forever?"" " Two days." "I hate you." "Come on, you and Brooke are great, together." "She's not breaking up with you." "Then, again, maybe she is slipping away and you're just gonna have to face the possibility of being alone for the rest of your life." "(WHIMPERS)" "(SOBBING) Oh, my God." "What the hell's the matter with you?" "Why would you say that to her?" "I'm just trying to prepare her for the harsh realities of real life." "I mean, who else is gonna do it, her father?" "He's dead, Walden." "Why are you even here?" "I thought you were gonna go win Lyndsey back." "It's early." "I mean, I wanna win her back but I don't wanna spend the whole day with her." "(DOORBELL RINGS)" " Alan." " Lyndsey MacElroy, I love you." "You are my world." "I want you to spend the rest of your life with me." "And Walden." "You're kidding, right?" "I'm engaged to Larry." "It's not fair." "I mean, if I hadn't stopped at that gas station to poop," "I would have been here first." " Alan, don't." " Maybe this'll change your mind." "Oh, Alan, it doesn't matter what kind of ring..." " Holy crap, that thing's huge." " That's what she said." "I know, not the right time." "What do you say?" "I say I'm marrying Larry." " But why?" " He loves me." " Not as much as I do." " He has his own house." " I love you." " I'm sorry, Alan." "(SCOFFS) You really think Larry can make you happier than I can?" "I think I made the right decision." "You made your bed." "Now let's have sex in it." "Alan." "Good-bye." "All right." "Universe: 82,224." "Twenty-five." " Alan." " Hi, Judith." "What are you doing, here?" "Oh, God, what did Jake do?" "Please tell me the Army didn't let him drive a tank, again." "No, no, no, nothing's wrong with Jake." "Well, nothing new wrong." "Then, what's going on?" "Is everything okay?" "It's just that I been having a really rough day and I needed to see a friendly face." "And you picked me?" "There's that friendly face." "I'm sorry." "Why don't you come on in." "I just opened a bottle of wine." "Thanks." " Wait, you don't need money, do you?" " No, not at all." " Okay, good." " Wait, are you offering?" "Whoa, nice blanket." "What's with the cat-lady starter kit?" "It's my bad-news blanket." "My mom gave it to me when I was a kid." "I know what you're saying." "I have a bad-news bong." "And a good-news bong." "And a watching-the-news bong." "I guess what I'm saying is I like to get high." " Is this about Brooke?" " She blew me off, again." "She was supposed to come over after work but she said she was "tired."" "Not having sex with me must be exhausting." "Look, Jenny, in any relationship, it's normal for there to be a lull in the bedroom, after a while." " Does the sex come back?" " (LAUGHS) You're cute." "But it does help if you do romantic stuff." " Like what?" " Surprise her." "Be spontaneous." "Let her know that you appreciate her." "I guess I could send flowers to her work." "Eurgh, that's so gay." "Well, theses are the kinds of things we have to do as a relationship evolves." "See, sex becomes companionship and companionship becomes commitment." "Commitment becomes complacency which gives way to contempt." "Until you find yourself longing for the sweet release of death." "Yikes." "I'm gonna go get my bad-news bong." "Oh, my God, oh, my God." "You remember Jake's seventh grade science project?" " Wait, which seventhth grade?" " Second time." "Oh, okay." "He wanted to study how different foods would make his farts smell and..." "Oh, yeah." "He'd rip one in Tupperware, seal it and label it." "To this day, I still remember..." "Brussels sprouts." "Yes." " Oh, Brussels sprouts." "Most parents make their kids eat vegetables, we made ours stop." "Right." "And then, he got rickets." "(LAUGHS HEARTILY)" "Ohh!" "Oh, it's been a crazy ride, hasn't it?" " Hey, can I ask you something?" " Oh, here we go." "How much?" "No, no, not that, I..." "What's wrong with me?" "Oh, Alan, I don't carry around a list of your faults." "My therapist said it's no longer healthy." "No, no, I'm serious." "I mean, it seems like every relationship I've ever been in, I've screwed up." "Aww." "Look, a marriage doesn't fail because of one person screwing up." "I screwed up two marriages." "Oh, yeah, you're right, you're a two-time loser." "At least I have Walden." "I mean, you've got nobody." "Oh, we're being honest, now?" "Herb's penis is bigger than yours." "(LAUGHS)" "I've forgotten how good you are at this." "I have missed you." "I mean, you know, not the constant verbal abuse that left me a crippled shell of a man but we could always make each other laugh." "Oh, you could never find my G-spot but you could always find my funny-bone." "Ahh!" "I'm just kidding." "I've missed you too." "Oh, yeah, this is probably a bad idea." " Definitely." " Yeah, yeah." "(BOTH GRUNT)" "Let's look for that G-spot." "Or how about you look for mine?" "Oh, God." "What'd we do?" "Oh, God, what did I do?" "Come on." "God." "What did we do, last night?" "♫ (ROCK MUSIC) ♫" "More." "Oh, God." "(CELL PHONE RINGS)" "Well, well, well, someone never made it home, last night." "Am I speaking with an engaged man?" " I think you might be." " That's-a-boy." "Hey, what'd Lyndsey say, when you showed her the ring?" " "That thing is huge."" " That's what she said." "That's what I said." "She also said she's staying with Larry." "What?" "I thought you said you were engaged." "I am to Judith." "Your ex-wife?" "Whoa, what the hell happened?" "♫ (POP MUSIC) ♫" "You know, it's kind of sketchy." "We had a lot to drink." "Well, I've had a lot to drink before but I've never gotten engaged to my ex-wife." "Okay, maybe I'm being selfish but I'd like to talk about me, right now." "Jyndsey, Ludith, will you Larry me?" "Let me ask you something." "Now, do you think Judith would be more upset to wake up and find she's engaged to me or to wake up and find she's missing a finger?" "Okay, look, I'm sure that she got tipsy and caught-up in the moment too." "And if you're just honest with her, she'll probably be relieved." "What if she isn't?" "I mean, how do I get her to want out of marrying me?" " Be yourself?" " Worked before." "Hey, you." "Um, listen, we should really talk about last night." "Absolutely." "But I need to say something, first." "Things are gonna be different, this time." "I'm not gonna make the same mistakes I made before." "And I'm gonna start by showing you how much I appreciate you, every single day." "Oh, that's really sweet but we really should talk about who we should invite to the wedding." " Hey." " Hi." "Guess what?" "I'm taking your advice and I'm surprising Brooke with a romantic evening." "Good." "You know, I know that's not easy for you." "Your dad was the same way." "His idea of romance was a warm washcloth, cab fare and a bottle of penicillin." "Aww..." "So my dad wasn't just a drunken, diseased man-whore, he was a gentleman." "Charlie would be so happy to see his little girl now." "Of course, he'd be even more happy to see the rack on his little girl's girlfriend." "Does she have nice boobs?" "I've never noticed." " Hey." " Oh, hey." "How'd it go with Judith?" "Did she take it okay?" "Well, you know, she..." "It was a little hard for her to swallow." "Well, I'm just glad you talked to her." "Can I get my ring back?" "Funny story:" "She kind of kept it and we're kind of getting married." "Alan, I thought you were gonna talk to her." "I did." "We came to an oral agreement." "(GROANS LOUDLY)" " Alan." " Hey, it's my weakness." "That and red velvet anything." "Wait." "Hey, hey." "This is the same woman that you said was so evil, that her image didn't show up in your wedding pictures." "I only said that because, at the time," "I thought she was the worst person I'd ever met and she made my life a living hell." "But you know, people change." "It's gonna be great." "So Zippy's moving out and he's going to be miserable." "So you have been listening." "I have to say, dinner was great, Judith." "Thank you for inviting me over." "Of course, you're Alan's best friend." "Actually, you're Alan's only friend." "It's funny because it's true." "Oh, honey, could you pass the potatoes, please?" "Oh, I think you've already had plenty, doughboy." "(GIGGLES)" "Boy, I have to say, I was shocked when Alan told me you were getting married, again." "Oh, you were shocked?" "There was a time when just the thought of being touched by his tiny, clammy hands, again, made me throw up in my mouth a little." "That's all ancient history." "Yeah, if ancient history was last Thursday." " (KISSING LOUDLY)" " Oh..." " Isn't she great?" " No." "She's treating you like crap." "The only people that get to do that are people that do it out of love." "Like me and Berta and your mom." "Okay, well, me and Berta." "Okay, me." "It's harmless." "It's just Judith being funny." "Did you just twitch?" "No, I was just talking about how funny Judith is." "Okay, look me in the eye and tell me how much you love Judith without twitching." "Fine." "I love Judith." "There, I said it." "(WHISPERING) Alan." "You cannot marry this woman." "You deserve better." "I mean, not much better, but better." "(WHISPERING) You know who I deserve?" "I deserve Lyndsey but I can't have her." "She's marrying somebody else." "So I'm taking what I can get." "That's what I do, I'm a love scavenger." "You're also a house scavenger and a money scavenger and an underwear scavenger." "But that doesn't mean you have to settle." "Yes, it does." "I don't wanna die alone." "Maybe you don't realize it but there aren't a lot of people who wanna spend the rest of their lives with me." "Oh, no, I realize it." "Brooke, really, we can get a hotel for the night." "No, no, no, Dad, it's fine." "I'll sleep on the couch and you guys stay in my room." "Surprise." " Who's this?" " Uh..." "Mom, Dad, this is my girlfriend, Jenny." "It's great to meet you." "I like her." "Oh, hey, I was thinking now that Jake's gone," "I can turn his room into my man-cave." "You know, pinball machine, flat-screen TV, potter's wheel." " Nope, that's not gonna happen." " Oh, you have plans for it?" "No, I'm just not letting you get another potter's wheel." "Judith, I have to say," "I cannot take my eyes off of that ring." "I know." "When I first saw it," "I thought it was as fake as the orgasms I used to have" " when we were married." " (LAUGHS) That's true." "Very unsatisfactory lover." "(BOTH CHUCKLING)" "But I mean, what woman could say, "No" to this?" "I can think of one." "Can you think of one, Alan?" " What's going on?" " Oh, nothing." "I'm just glad that you were there to pick up the pieces after Lyndsey turned down Alan's proposal." "What?" "You proposed to her before me?" " Well, technically, what I..." " Oh, you didn't know?" "This is awkward." "Open mouth, remove pie, insert foot." "So, I'm your second choice?" "That doesn't matter, who was second." "You were the first to say, "Yes."" "I will be the first to say, "Yes" to seconds of this pie." " You are unbelievable." " No, the important thing is that we found each other again." "And you're willing to settle for me and I'm willing to settle for you." "Settle for this." "(GROANS)" "I'm a good friend." " Hey." "How's it going?" " Good." "Thanks again for the potter's wheel." "It's the least I could do." "I cost you a wife." "I'm just glad you came to your senses." "I was just scared." "I didn't wanna spend the rest of my life alone." "Hey, as long as I'm around, you'll never be alone." "Ah, thanks, buddy." "Oh, shoot." "Oh, here, let me help you out with that." "♫ (RIGHTEOUS BROTHERS "UNCHAINED MELODY") ♫" "(GASPS)" "Thank God." "It was just a dream." "Are you okay, baby?" "Did you have a nightmare?" "(GASPS)" "I gotta get him out of here." "(English US" " SDH)"