"Jerry West is dribbling down the court, he looks for the big man, Chamberlain." "He passes to Chamberlain." "Chamberlain gives it to Hap Hairston." "Hap fakes!" "Yeah." "Okay, you think you're pretty good, huh?" "I don't like to brag, Julio, but basketball is my people's game." "Your people's game?" "What are you talkin' about?" "All the great basketball players, they black." "That's 'cause they've got style, and flair." "And they cool." " Some Puerto Ricans are pretty cool too." " Who?" "Who?" "You never heard of Orlando Cepada?" "Hey, man, he's a baseball player." "I know that, man!" "But it's harder!" "It's a smaller ball." "That's right!" "Hey, you guys!" "Hey!" "Cut out the ball playing, will you, before you break something?" "Didn't you guys hear me say cut out the ball playing?" "I'm sorry you put that ol' dumb hoop up anyway." "Man, what are we hurting?" "You're raising up dust." "It's settling' on my junk and giving it that cheap look." "Are you serious?" "Yes, I'm serious." "Hey, listen, why don't you go do some work, "Holio"?" "The name is Julio, Mr. "Stanford. "" " It's Sanford, Julio." " Okay, then." "Why don't you do some work in your yard?" "Clean your yard up." "Go take a bath." "Go milk your goat." "I did all that this morning." "Why don't you go back to Puerto Rico?" "Here we go again." "I'm gonna tell you for the last time." "I come from New York City." "And I can live in any one of the 50 states that I want." "Why don't you try Alaska?" "That's a state." "Julio is our neighbor, and he's here to stay." "Why don't you accept that?" "'Cause I have arthritis and I'm hoping that will go away too." "I'm sorry, Julio." "I gotta apologize for my father." "You don't have to." "I think I'm beginning to understand your father." "He is one of those people that always likes to complain." ""I kill a Puerto Rican." "I kill basketball. "" "Everything gives him a pain." "No, not everything." "Just you." "I'll tell you where." " Man, it's okay." " Here comes that killer again!" "Hold that killer!" "That's another thing." "Why don't you keep your goat in your own backyard?" "I'm sorry, Mr. Sanford." "He gets loose." "He does it all the time." "But I don't want him to do it in my yard." "I'll see you later." "So long, Mr. Sanford." "And by the way, you do not fool me, you know?" "Outside you might be rough and mean." "But I know what is inside." "You know what's inside?" "A baseball bat." "You wanna see it?" "A baseball..." "It's a good thing thatJulio is such a good-natured cat." "I still don't know why he puts up with your insults." "Why you hang out with him anyway for?" "Soon you be talking funny like him." "Sometimes you really sound like a weirdo." "There you go already." "Weirdo... that's Spanish." "Why don't you hang out with your other friends?" "You got friends." " Like who?" " Like Rollo." "Rollo?" "You hate Rollo." " I don't hate Rollo." "I can't stand him." " What's the difference?" "The difference is, if you can't stand somebody, you don't wanna touch him." "But if you hate somebody, you wanna touch him." "And Julio is somebody you'd like to touch?" "Continuously with some of these." "Pop, I don't know what you got againstJulio." "He's good people, and he happens to be a friend of mine." " You got other friends." " Who besides Rollo that you can stand?" "Me." "I'm your friend." " You're my father." " Right." "Now, listen." "Move over." "See, some of the best friendships ever been in the world... been between father and son." "You remember that movie, The Champ, with Wallace Beery and Jackie Cooper?" " That was a great friendship." " Okay, Pop, you're my friend." "But it's not the same thing." "What can we do together?" "We can do a lot of things together." "We can play cards and checkers, watch television and work crossword puzzles." "Man, those are all things that old men do." "I ain't no old man." "I go out with chicks." "Get me a chick." "I'll go out with you." "Forget it." "Listen, son." "There are a lot of things that we can do together." "Outdoor stuff like going fishing." " Fishing?" " Yeah, fishing." "You wake up early in the morning and fix you some bologna sandwiches." "You know, with mayonnaise and onion." "And coleslaw." "And get you a couple of six-packs." "Go to the Santa Monica pier and catch one of them boats... and go out there all day and just fish and drink and burp." "Ain't nothing like burping in the cool sea breeze." "Yeah, it sounds terrific." "When you come home with all that fish you caught, then you cornmeal 'em down." "Then you fry 'em and open up a couple cans of pork and beans." "Boy, you rest good that night." "Don't tell me that don't sound good." "It does." "It sounds very good." "Why don't we do it sometime?" "What about this weekend?" " How 'bout what?" " This weekend." "I'd love to, Pop, but me and Julio already made plans." " What plans?" " We goin' to Tijuana together." " Going where?" " Tijuana." "You know, Mexico." "Going with a Spanish-speaking person, I'm really gonna get around." "Yeah, you gonna get around." "Especially if you drink the water." "Pop, we made these plans a long time ago." "Yeah, I know." "See, you won't go fishing with your father... but you'll go to a foreign country with a Puerto Rican... and end up on a blind date with Typhoid Mary." "I sure hope that's Julio." "I don't wanna hear this no more." " Julio!" " Lamont." "You ready, man?" "Y'all going already?" "No." "Julio's taking me to a Mexican restaurant for dinner." "A restaurant?" "You going out to eat?" "I got dinner fixed." "Hey, Pop, I'm sorry." "But save it." "We'll eat it tomorrow." "I gotta eat dinner by myself?" "Wait." "Why don't you come with us?" " Me, go to a Mexican restaurant?" " Why not?" "You don't wanna eat alone." "People who eat alone have trouble with digestion." "That's what they say about people who eat in Mexican restaurants." " You don't have to go." "You can stay." " No." "Wait, Lamont!" "How 'bout it?" "What do you say?" "Well, okay." "I'll try anything once." "Wait till I get my sweater." "That's great." "What'd you do that for?" "He's gonna be trouble." "No, he's not gonna be trouble." "He's gonna be fine." "Besides, it's a good way for us to become friends." " You ready, Mr. Sanford?" " Soon as I get a bottle of something." "Wait a second." "You don't have to worry." "They got wine at the restaurant." "I'm not speaking about wine." "Pepto-Bismol." "Come on." "This thing is in Spanish." "I know that." "I will translate for you." "First, soup is sopa." "Oh, soup is sopa." "Let's have a bowl of Irish sopa." "You get that?" "Irish sopa..." "We got it." "We got it, Pop." "Señores, do you know what you want?" "I want neck bones and black-eyed peas... canned sweet potatoes and mustard greens." "What's the matter with you?" "You know they don't have that here." "He asked me what I wanted and I said what I wanted and that's what I want." "Neck bones, black-eyed peas." " All right!" " Canned sweet potatoes..." " Why don't you let me order for us?" " And corn bread." " We'll start with a little seviche." " Seviche?" " Sí." " What's that?" "Pickled raw fish." " Bye." " Would you sit down." "Take this hat off." "For you I think I will order something nice and mild." "Some chiles rellenos con queso." "I know I'm gonna have a "queso" after I eat that." "Pop, you don't have to eat in here." "You can get up and leave." "And we will have the arroz con pollo." "Waiter?" "Come here." "When was the last time the health department's been here?" " Excuse me?" " Nothing, waiter." "Thank you very much." " You better cut it out." " You have nothing to worry about." "This place is very clean and the food is excellent." "I have had everything here." " Have you had hepatitis?" " I'm leaving." "No." "Wait, Lamont, please." "Please, sit down." "Here you are, gentlemen." "A nice cold pitcher of sangria." "What'd you call him?" "It's a very common thing." "You know." "What?" "I call him negro." "It's a common thing." "It's a friendly way of talking to each other in Spanish." " What we call ourselves." " He look like no Negro to me." "Mr. Sanford, you are going to enjoy this." "It is called sangria." "Sangria." " What does "sangria" mean?" " It means "blood. "" "It is only a name." "Because of the color." "Oh." "I thought it was something they brought back from the bullfight." "No, no." "It's a very popular drink." "Do you like it?" "Yeah, it tastes good." "Tastes like Ripple that's gone flat." "In fact, they should call it "Flapple. "" " What's that stuff at the bottom?" " That is fruit." "Look like garbage." "That's it." "You can stay here and eat with him, but I'm leaving." "No, please, don't be..." "Excuse me, Mr. Sanford." "Lamont, please come back." "Pardon me, please." "Hey, Negro, come here." "Bring me another pitcher of that Shangri-la." "And, waiter, hold the garbage." "Hey, Pop, I'm leaving." "You in the kitchen?" "What is that?" "It's a wheelchair." "What it look like, a Toyota?" "I know it's a wheelchair, but what you doin' in it?" "I woke up this morning with a heart attack." "You woke up with one?" "It wouldn't happen to have anything to do... with the fact thatJulio and I are goin' to Tijuana, would it?" " Maybe." " This whole thing is just a charade." " A what?" " A charade." "Is that what they dress dead people in?" "That's shroud." "Shroud." "Charade." "I won't be around much longer to bother you." "That's right." "Go on." "Have fun in tamale land." "If I'm not here when you get back, get in touch with me through your mother." " Would you stop this?" " That's right." "That's probably where I'll be, in that great ghetto in the sky." "Before you leave, turn on channel 13... 'cause I wanna go watching the Roller Derby." " I'll see you later." " Wait a minute." " Now what?" " You and Julio the only ones going?" " That's right." " Well, come here." " What?" " Come here." "Sit down." "You know, I'm very worried aboutJulio." "Why?" "You don't know why?" "What is Julio anyway?" "He's a Puerto Rican." "Is that what's bothering you?" "No, that ain't it." "I'm talking about..." "Have you ever seen him out with a girl?" " I knew it was something like that." " You think about it." " What are you trying to say?" " Nothing." "JustJulio might be..." "Aside from the fact that you woke up this morning with a heart attack... and you think thatJulio might be... is there any other reason why I shouldn't leave now?" "No, go ahead." "Don't even think about me." " I won't." "I'll see you later." " Hey, Lamont." " You got your key?" " Of course I've got my key." "That's good. 'Cause just in case I'll be too sick to come open the door." "Good morning." "I'm Nelson B. Davis of the Davis Funeral Home." " You are?" "What you doin' here?" " I received a call from Fred Sanford." "Yeah, I'm Fred Sanford." "I'm the one that called you." "Come right in." " It's good to see you again." " Yeah, you too." "Sorry about those cold hands." "Cold hands, warm chapel." "That's a little joke in the profession." "Would somebody tell me what's going on and what this dude's doing here?" "I didn't know you was gonna be here." "Me and Mr. Davis are gonna talk over some burial insurance." "Burial insurance?" "Who's gettin' buried?" "All of us eventually." "Is that supposed to be a joke?" "That ain't no joke." "Don't let us hold you up." "Go on your trip." "We don't wanna slow you down." "Mr. Davis and I are gonna talk about burial insurance." "You're doing a very wise thing, planning ahead for the inevitable." "Because when that inevitable day comes, there are so many things to do." "Calls to make, arrangements." "And if it should happen over a holiday weekend, it really can be a problem." "We take care of everything:" "The services, the flowers, the plot, even the monument." "See, when I die, I won't have to do nothing." "Yeah, but what's to hurry for?" "Why does he need all this now?" "There is no time like the present." "Our slogan is, "Buy now, pray later. "" "Would you come back some other time?" "I know why my father wanted you here." " Wait." "It might be too late then." " Are you going away?" "Just for the weekend." "He will last the weekend, won't he?" "We'll just keep our fingers crossed." "I shall wait to hear from you." "Here is my card." "Please call me." "And, young man, don't consider what your father is doing as unusual." "You know, burial insurance is something that everybody digs." "I heard that one at a morticians' cocktail party." "Good day, Mr. Sanford." "Mr. Sanford." "I'm leaving unless you can think of another reason why I should stay." "Go." "Who's holding you?" "I'll just sit here and watch television." "Might as well be dead." "No wife, no son, no nothing." "You wanna watch Wild Kingdom with me?" "That was a good lunch." "Really enjoyed that." "Huh?" "Oh, yeah, it was a good lunch." "In another 30 or 40 minutes we'll be in Tijuana." " What did you say?" " Thirty or forty minutes, and Tijuana." " Oh, right, yeah." " Wait." "You sure you wanna keep going?" " What are you talking about?" " You ain't said two words since we left." "I've been doing all the talking." "You're worried about your father." " I am not." " Yes, you are, man." "I know you hate to leave him alone." "You're worried something will happen." "I am not." "What could happen to him?" "He's an old man, and he's got things wrong with him." "That stuff about him being sick?" "That's a fake to keep me in the house with him." "Sure, to keep you there." "Because he loves you." "You're the only thing he's got." "Oh, man, I wish my father was still living." "It's funny, you know, because you think they're gonna go on living forever." "Then all of a sudden, they're gone." "Then you're sorry you didn't spend more time with them." "I don't even wanna talk about this." "Come on." "Wait." "What are you talking about?" "It's very simple, man." "You only got one father, right?" "And when he's gone..." "I mean, that's it." "I'll bet he wishes you and him could be spending more time together right now." "Yeah, 'cause he wanted me to go fishing with him." "Fishing?" "Oh, man." "I wish I could go fishing with my father." "It's too late now." "And that faking you was talking about..." "Who knows, man?" "Who can tell sometimes when they're faking or not?" "Let's get outta here." "Want me to drive?" "Yeah, but wait a minute." "You don't know how long he's been fooling me." " My old man's been fooling me for years." " Okay, so he fools you 99 times." "But what about the hundredth time?" "Maybe, psst." "Yeah, but wait a minute." "All them phony heart attacks he has, they don't mean nothing." "Every time I wanna go someplace or do something... he has one of them phony heart attacks." "Okay." "Well, let's just hope this time it's not the real thing." " Now are you ready to go?" " Where?" " Where?" "Tijuana!" " Tijuana, are you crazy?" "My father could be at home dying, and we talking about goin' to Tijuana." " I'm going home." " Hey, wait for me." " Guess you feel better now you're home." " I feel a lot better." "I never would've been able to enjoy Tijuana, worrying about my father." "Sure, man." "Besides, we can go to Tijuana any time." " Maybe next weekend, huh?" " That's a good idea, man." "Hey, Pop, I'm home!" "You upstairs?" "Hey, Pop, you in the kitchen?" "He's not here." "I wonder what happened to him." " I don't know." "Maybe he went for a walk." " He hates walking." " Look at this wheelchair." " What about it?" "It looks like somebody fell down and crawled outside here... and out into the street and collapsed." "That's what happened." "He collapsed out here, and somebody called the ambulance." "That's it!" "He's in the hospital!" "You gonna enjoy my place, honey." "Yes, indeed." "I'm not kidding you." "You'll like my place because it's nice and cozy." "And I want you to try some of this Shanghai because it's really good." "It tastes like Ripple that's gone flat." "That's why I call it Flapple." "Hey, the truck." "My son was supposed to be outta town, but he must be back." "You gotta leave." "I didn't know my son was coming back." "You gonna have to leave." "What kind of jive nonsense is this?" "You invite me over, now you brush me off?" "Shh." "I don't want him to hear you." "I don't care if he does hear me!" "You can't do this to me!" "Listen." "You got to go." "I'll bring you back here some other time." "I ain't ever coming back here again, you jive chump." "You got me off of that bar when the other dude was buying me four drinks." "Now I've got to go and start over again." "I'll take you back and I'll buy..." "You back home early, ain't you, son?" "Do you know what I thought?" "I thought you fell down, crawled out here and collapsed." "And that's exactly what happened." "My heart was hurting so bad, I crawled out here." "Then I crawled into the street and collapsed." "This lady here was nice enough to pick me up and help me home." "Who picked you up?" "You picked me up!" "Don't you never come 'round me, you raggedy old bum!" "I should've known better than to be wasting my time... with a jive, stupid old buzzard like you!" "If you didn't have a heart attack, she'd have gave you one." "I think I'm having one now, son." "Oh!" "This is the big one!" "You hear that, Elizabeth?" "I'm coming to join you, honey... with a fifth of Flapple in my hand." "Well, not quite a fifth, honey." "What you want Baby, I got it" " What's happening, Jul?" " Hey, Lamont." "You ready to go, man?" " As soon as I get my stuff." " Good." "Where's your father?" "He's upstairs sulking." "I told me and you was going fishing and he wasn't invited." "He's mad." "I'll get my stuff." " Want me to get it?" " Nah." "Good morning." "Is your father home?" "Oh, I see." "Just a minute, Mr. Davis." "Hey, Pop, Mr. Davis is down here to see you." "He'll be right down." "How come you're back so soon?" "He called me." "He said he wanted to discuss burial insurance." "He said you wouldn't be here, and we could talk." "Hello, son." "I thought you'd be gone by now." "Me and Mr. Davis wanna discuss burial insurance." "Burial insurance?" "On such a nice day?" "Mr. Sanford, you should be out fishing instead." "I'd love to go fishing." "Why don't you come with us?" "Ask him, man." "Ask him, man." "Remember what I told you." "If we take you fishing, would you promise to forget this burial insurance?" " I sure would." " Get your stuff." "We'll wait for you." "Sanford and Son is recorded on tape before a live studio audience."