"Where was that taken?" "Camp Dingaroo, the staff retreat." "How is Dawn?" "Oh, the same as she was before the accident." "What, without the use of her legs?" "( Shrieks ) Oh, Nada, I'm really sorry." "What you gotta do to get a job around here?" "neil: 280 counts of mail theft normally does it, like." "You want to show that judge that you're a steady, reliable, mature woman, holding down a respectable job." "Then maybe he'll overlook your past relationship with a gangster." "You were my best friend, and you left me in that caravan park with a $772 bill!" "If you give me the job, I can pay you back." "That Christine." "I think she'd be great for the job." "But I'm afraid she doesn't meet the criteria." "I'll dob you in." "I seen what you did." "Let me hear it!" "We are an awesome team!" "( Dawn whimpers )" "( Dawn screams )" "Whoa!" "Frances!" "Christine Grimwood will be taking up the position of children's librarian, effective immediately." "( All applaud )" "( TYRES SCREECH )" "( Pants )" "( Sighs )" "( PHONE rings )" "( Sighs )" "Goodness." "She looks happy." "Oh, sorry." "It was a pop-up." "Well, pop it back down." "Uh, yep." "Sure." "And that one." "Uh, yep." "And that one." "Uh, don't know how that one, um..." "Yeah." "Final warning, Mr McNamara." "Understood?" "Uh, fair enough." "Yep." "Yep?" "OK?" "Good." "Here, Dawn." "I'll get those for you." "Oh, thank you so much, Christine." "Anything above 1 54.F895 is out of my reach." "( Giggles )" "Wow!" "You look amazing!" "How... how does that one stay on?" "Cute, isn't it?" "You can borrow it if you like." "( Chuckles ) Yeah, that'd be..." "that'd be great." "Sweetheart, I wanted to talk to you about my pay." "It's just, well..." "I'm kind of broke." "Oh." "I'm really sorry, Christine, but I haven't been able to put it through, because I'm waiting on that yellow form that I gave you." "What form?" "The yellow one." "The one for the police check." "Nope." "I didn't get that." "( Giggles ) Whoops!" "( chair CLATTERS )" "I'm sorry." "I'm going to have to ask you to leave." "Quickly." "Just move it along." "Can I still get my pay anyway?" "Yes!" "Just want 'em..." "( COMPUTER BUZZES )" "Oh!" "Come on!" "How do you spell it, then?" "Are you right?" "Yes." "Strong bookings tonight, Lachie." "Art is alive and well in Middleton." "Yeah." "The fact that he'll be naked has nothing to do with it." "Hey, does anyone have any spare change for the vending machine?" "Is that art thing tonight?" "Yeah." "Oh, Ky, I can't." "I'm sorry." "But why?" "Tonight's my dyslexic management class." "I thought it was Thursdays." "Me too." "Actually, I think I've been doing lntroductory Small Business." "If I may be so bold, Ky, I would take great pleasure in offering my services for you this evening." "As you know, I'm a keen nudist." "'X'... 'Z'... ( Growls in frustration ) ( COMPUTER BUZZES )" "May I please be excused from the front counter?" "I need to set up a podcast in the children's library." "I don't see why not." "Thanks." "Franny, can I have a quick word about my pay?" "Sorry, Christine, I can only do five things at once." "Ky." "Was watering that plant number six?" "( Laughs )" "FRANCES:" "Well, I don't think you'd all be laughing if I told you this had been stuffed in the returns chute." "( Laughs )" "You need to speak to Dawn about your pay." "Yeah, look, as lovely as Dawn is, she's a little... you know." "I thought I'd ask the boss to help out." "Push it through for me." "I don't even have enough money for petrol." "Well, that's funny." "I remember when I had no money and had trouble getting home from Wilsons Promontory 1 9 years ago because my friend drove off and left me, and I seemed to manage fine without any help!" "( Screams ) Please, won't somebody help me?" "!" "I can't believe you're still going on about that!" "Oh, I don't have time for this." "Take your pay issues up with Dawn." "How long have you had the hots for Lachie?" "I beg your pardon, Christine?" "Oh, come on, Franny." "You didn't hire him for his literacy skills." "So, I guess the only problem with me accepting the job, that I can see, is, uh, that I'm dyslexic." "Mmm." "Could you just spin around again for me?" "Just hold." "Barbie, could you put this in the hopper?" "And I know the light duties are a bit of a favourite, but I really would like you to get onto the graffiti in just returned." "I don't think Barbie's quite clear on what it is she has to remove." "It's the usual male genitalia right above the CSlRO 'Wellbeing' books." "I don't think Barbie knows exactly what that is." "Well, I'm pretty sure they have the male organ in Hanoi." "KY:" "Frances, should I get out the steam cleaner for Barbie, or will it just be a hand job?" "If she rubs it hard with the industrial cleaner, she should be right." "Could that pull it off, do you think?" "( All laugh )" "( Laughs )" "I get it." "Barbie, I suppose you won't want to clean the penis - you'll want to throw it in a wok with some beef and black bean sauce and eat it!" "( Laughs )" "( POP music PLAYS ) ( Girls giggle )" "Oh, I see..." "Oh, where are we?" "Oh, uh, hang on... ( Girls laugh )" "I get it." "What about this?" "( Girls laugh )" "Frances Jean Jude Mary!" "Go to your room!" "Yes, Mama." "Well, they eat dog." "Next, please." "( DAWN'S wheelchair APPROACHES )" "Dawn, I'm sorry to hear you're stumped about how to process Christine's pay." "The WorkCover people assured me that you'd be fine to manage something very straightforward, like payroll, if you had your special ergonomic desk, but they might be wrong, do you think?" "Oh, how lovely to see somebody normal, Father." "FATHER HARRlS:" "I don't get accused of that very often." "Nudist poetry retreat, Cradle Mountain, '03." "Oh, tell me it was freezing!" "I'm the perfect choice for tonight's model." "Do you need me?" "No, no." "I'm here for my pastoral care session with Neil." "Oh." "How's the ulcer?" "Kevin's doing nicely, thank you." "( Chuckles ) I think I'm going to be on the antacid soon, Father." "Really?" "Mmm." "I think I might have mentioned to you after mass on Sunday that I've taken on Christine Grimwood here." "Yes, you did." "I haven't spent that much time in the car park since the fete." "Oh, any good Catholic would have done it." "Do you think?" "She's a handful." "I shouldn't be surprised, given what we both knew about her in the past." "Is she trying your patience, Frances?" "No." "She's just very needy." "She's only happy if she's getting all the attention." "Meanwhile, there's still a library to run." "Yes, there is." "Hello, Nada." "NADA:" "Hello, Father." "Nice to see you." "You too." "Ladies." "Oh, Frances." "I've asked Lachie to podcast my ESL class as well." "Oh, one step at a time, I think, Nada." "What do you mean?" "I think the focus needs to stay on the learning with your classes, don't you?" "I mean, how long before everybody's speaking English, do you think?" "About two generations." "Yes. ( Laughs )" "No." "I think we should probably try and speed things along a bit." "For their sake." "( Disapprovingly ) Mmm." "Oooh." "Frances, the reason I'm having trouble processing Christine's pay is that I can't get her to fill out the yellow form." "The police check?" ""But the butterflies loved to fly and fly and fly and... "" "Yum!" "Ha ha!" "Thanks, sweetie." "Whoops!" "Are you not filling out the police check because you've got something to hide?" "( Scoffs ) What on earth would I have to hide?" "Look, Maxi Bronze is my boyfriend's business, and I had no idea he was importing ecstasy in those sun beds." "I mean, I have never been involved in drugs." "Uh-uh." "christine ON TAPE:" "Oooh!" "." "Oh. my God." "Paul. you've got to get over here." "This is insane!" "." "Oh." "I've had some good gear in the past." "but these ppills are so bloody ppure." "and I am going off!" "." "And so's my topp. boys!" "Whoo!" "Parking fines." "Parking fines?" "That's why I haven't filled out the police check, because I've got a few outstanding tickets." "Oh, more mess!" "No!" "There was this loading zone outside my house and sometimes the times are really confusing and the little...writing, and..." "I can't pay you unless you fill this out." "I'm sorry, Christine." "We do things by the book around here." "Excuse me, are you the head librarian?" "( Laughs ) I'm sorry." "I'm the head librarian, Frances O'Brien." "And you are...?" "Jacinta McSweeney from the Premier's Office." "I just wanted to talk to you about the Premier visiting this library during Book Week." "Oooh... um..." "Get up." "( Whines )" "The Premier feels Book Week is the ideal time to launch his Children's Literacy Initiative." "Look, I do agree with the Premier..." "But we're aware that it might ruin your own Book Week plans." "Right." "It would involve taking over the library for a day." "There'd be journalists everywhere, TV cameras, a bunch of VlPs..." "VlPs, really?" "And would it be all the TV stations?" "Oh, yeah, the whole circus." "Do you think the library could handle that?" "Oh, well, that's Book Week, Jacinta. ( Chuckles )" "A couple of years back, we had Rotary involved, and, boy, what a commotion that was!" "But we survived." "I sit here talking to you today." "Yeah, well, this place is interesting." "It's western suburbs." "You've got the whole multicultural thing happening." "There are single mothers everywhere I look." "And the neighbouring schools are the lowest-ranked in the State." "( Chuckles )" "On the plus side, we are podcasting as of today." "Yeah." "Is that the same young boy on the life drawing posters?" "Lachie, yes." "Um, what day will the Premier be coming?" "If it's approved." "If... if it's approved?" "Well, with any state visit, we have to make sure it's completely appropriate - you know, parking, security." "None of your staff's an axe-murderer." "Oh, Neil." "We've got Neil Slider." "He's doing community service here for stealing the mail as a postal worker." "That should be fine." "Quite honestly, we'd only be concerned if it had something to do with your children's librarian." "Why is that?" "Oh, you know, children's literacy, the children's librarian would be closely involved." "Actually, I might sit in on the story." "Oh." "Uh, when were you thinking of doing that?" "Now." "Now?" "( mobile PHONE rings ) Oh, that should be alright." "Excuse me." "Oh, no, no." "No trouble." "You use my office." "Please, stay there." "Yeah." "McSweeney here." "Get me Sergeant Barnes from Middleton Police Station on the phone." "Dawn!" "What's still missing from the women's toilets?" "Um... um, two taps, two doors and a cistern." "I will not have this opportunity spoilt by the vandalism of one or two hundred bad apples in the area." "Rope off the entrance!" "Rightio." "Neil." "( Sighs )" "Well, I have to ask - have you nicked anything lately?" "I've told you, Vicar," "I only ever stole money from birthday cards to advance my career." "Sorry." "Can't give you a ride." "Grab yourself some silks." "Brilliant." "And how's the library career going?" "Last time we met, I think you said it was a little..." "Bloody shit." "That's what I was searching for." "( Dogs bark )" "FRANCES:" "Uh..." "look, no, I'm sorry." "I'm sorry, no." "It's seeing-eye dogs only." "You're going to have to take them outside." "Thank you." "Yes." "Good." "Out you go." "Shoo." "Off you go." "Shoo, shoo." "Shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo!" "Outside!" "Outside!" ""l would like 250 grams of meat."" "Samia, good." "You're back." "You have a go." "How much halal sausage would you like to buy?" "I would like 250..." "Grams." "Grams..." "Of meat." "Of meat." "Oh, Nada, the smell in here!" "What...?" "Oh, this is a breach of oc health and safety." "I'm sorry, ladies." "I'm going to have to take this." "Truly, Nada, it's a real pong." "I'm sorry." "I don't make the rules." "Sergeant Barnes?" "( Chuckles ) Sorry, Frank." "( Laughs ) Oh, can't complain." "Nobody listens much anyway, hey?" "( Giggles ) But thank you for asking." "Now, Frank," "I was wondering if you could help me out with a silly staff member and a couple of her naughty parking tickets." "Frances, I must talk to you about tonight's modelling assignment." "In the words of Albert Einstein," ""True art is characterised" ""by an irresistible urge in the creative artist."" "Sorry, Frank." "Matthew, I'm on the phone." "I have that irresistible urge, Frances." "If I could just show you what I'm talking about..." "Yeah, not now, Matthew." "Later, alright?" "Really?" "Yes!" "OK!" "'Bye." "Sorry, Frank. ( Giggles )" "I know. ( Laughs ) It's always the way." "( PLANE ROARS OVERHEAD )" "( Dogs bark )" "( PLANE noise FADES AWAY )" ""And Mum said, 'Let's go home and have some tea."'" "The end." "Right." "Who's hot?" "( Gasps ) Oh." "Who else is hot?" "( Children call out )" "( Laughs )" "She's great, isn't she?" "Getting there." "She's really got them engaged." "It's great to watch." "( Children laugh and call out )" "( Laughs ) Just wanted to let you know I've done you a big favour and sent off your police check to a special friend in the force, who has taken care of it." "( Laughs ) Are you still hot?" "Ow!" "You gave my police check to a cop?" "Don't worry." "I trust him." "We've worked very closely together in the past." "Come on, Dawn!" "Come on!" "( All yell )" "Oh!" "Oh!" "( Laughs )" "Oh, Frank!" "Oh, Frank!" "( Laughs )" "Yeah, I'm fine." "Go." "( Laughs )" "Oh, I'm fucked." "And we might leave it there, I think." "( Dog barks )" "( Women shout )" "NADA:" "Hold the dogs, hold the dogs!" "Lachie, could you show Ms McSweeney your equipment?" "Thanks." "Nada!" "Oh, Frances, why did you give the dogs their meat?" "No, no, they helped themselves, Nada, after Frances untied them." "Nada, I will not be threatened by extremists." "Now, the last thing you need is to be dragged in front of that tribunal again." "I find in favour of Nada al-Farouk, and order her immediate reinstatement." "Thank you." "( Women chatter ) Yes, I know." "Wait inside, please." "Everybody wait inside." "I've given Nada petty cash." "She's going to replace all your cabanas." "Just wait in here." "Calm down." "It's all going to be alright." "( Locks door )" "Barbie!" "I can't pay you." "Jesus Christ, Christine." "I'm not Legal Aid." "Yeah, well, don't hold your breath." "I think I'll get the arse before my first pay cheque." "Well, you can't!" "I've billed you in my brief as a dedicated children's librarian." "Yeah?" "Well, start working on your next draft." "I'll tell you what, mind - that Christine, she have made a bloody huge difference to the library." "Has she?" "Frances was saying something similar earlier." "Yeah." "Me and her, we've got something really special going on." "( Giggles ) Whoops!" "Thinking of asking her out to dinner, mind." "OK." "Yeah." "Some clicking going on, I think, is there?" "You'd go her, wouldn't you, Vic?" "You'd have a piece, wouldn't you?" "She's a very attractive woman, Neil." "I don't deny that." "Yes, but you're going to have to use disinfectant." "Alright?" "Disinfectant." "Thanks, Lachie. ( Chuckles )" "Sorry, Jacinta." "Where were we?" "Do you have a particular problem with hooligans?" "Oh, we have a few minor issues, but on the whole, the staff are well behaved. ( Laughs )" "Any problem with vandals?" "Um, the odd torn page." "Nothing major." "Oh, Father Harris, do you want to, um..." "Oh!" "Hello, Sergeant Barnes." "Sorry, Frank." "Hello, Frances." "Sorry to interrupt." "Oh, that's..." "I just thought I'd let you know that your children's librarian doesn't have any parking fines." "Well, that is good news, because you were just asking about the children's librarian." "But she does have five pending charges for drug importation." "( Chants ) Five little monkeys jumping on a bed" "One jumped up and bumped his head!" "He went to the doctor and the doctor said" ""There'll be no more monkeys jumping in a bed!"" "FATHER HARRlS:" "Frances!" "I think they're locked in." "Oh, is that door jammed again?" "Yeah." "Has it?" "Frank, we could probably catch up about this later." "Why don't you..." "And are you heading back into the city?" "Because the traffic..." "I think I've already seen enough." "We'll be in touch." "Went to the doctor and the doctor said..." "children: "No more monkeys jumping on the bed!"" "Frances?" "Yep." "Ah, Frances." "Is now a good time to show you?" "Oh!" "Um...what happened here?" "So sorry to see you leave today, Chrissy." "Let me talk to Frances." "She'll listen to me, mind." "Honey, I think she'll listen to the police and the stuff about the ecstasy a bit more." "S'pose." "Decided where you want me to take you?" "Anywhere." "I'm bloody starving." "Brilliant." "The trots do a lovely counter meal on Wednesdays, mind." "It's only 25 minutes from here." "The trots?" "You mean the horses?" "You could wear the helmet." "Be alright in the basket, will you?" "Did you say Wednes..." "Oh, God, is this Wed..." "Oh, no!" "God, my...aunty needs a bath." "Silly, frail old bugger can no longer wash herself." "I'm going to have to..." "Oh, what a shame!" "The trots." "Raincheck." "Alright." "( Chuckles ) You really should water more often." "I thought you left hours ago." "Oh, don't worry." "I'm going." "I'm putting these in the hopper." "I wonder what the Premier would have thought of my library?" "Oh!" "We'll never know." "Oh!" "Maybe he'd still be coming if you hadn't stuck your big nose in!" "I didn't do anything wrong!" "Come on, Franny, admit it - you're thrilled that I'm gone!" "Good evening, ladies." "Look, I spoke to the Premier this afternoon and we've both agreed that we should use the library for the launch." "You did?" "Yep." "So we're on for the 22nd, if that's alright." "Yes!" "Yes. ( Laughs )" "I just thought the whole business with the children's librarian..." "No!" "No, that'd be the selling point." "Getting crims - no offence - back to work is a real vote-grabber out this way." "The Premier's really looking forward to meeting you, Christine." "Can I get paid in cash?" "Is, uh, the life drawing on tonight?" "Yeah." "Great." "Come on in!" "Yeah." "Very nice." "You just forget you're naked after a while."