"Mail's here." "Telephone bill, letter from your mother." ""Simone's of Syosset, Sexy Sleepwear."" " I wonder how we got this." " I don't know." "Could it be because it's addressed to a Dr. Jason Seaver?" "Is it now?" "You know, I've been getting this darn junk mail ever since I sent away for..." "Slim Whitman's Greatest Hits." ""The winter catalog."" "Jason, a woman could freeze in an outfit like this." "It'd keep me warm." "I can't believe this." ""Seamless, strapless, see-through..." ""Blueberry, raspberry..." ""trail mix"?" "Well, who says you can't eat well and have a little fun, too?" "Not me!" " What you reading, Mom?" " Just this diet magazine... we got in the mail." "It's garbage." "Mom, Dad, hold on to your hats!" "We have got a speckled chickadee out by the garage." "So?" ""So?" Good God, woman!" "Don't you realize that the speckled chickadee is almost... exclusively indigenous to the lower Adirondack Valley?" " We have got a freak of nature out there." " We've got a freak of nature in here, too." "Gee, Mike, I didn't realize you were such a woodsy kind of guy." "Me?" "Heck, yeah." "I mean, sometimes I feel more at home outdoors than I do in my own bedroom." "That's because outdoors is cleaner." "No, I'm serious, Dad." "Nature's always been a great release for me from the pressures of suburban life." " And that's why what you want..." " Is to go camping with Jimmy and Boner... and Boner's older brother, Mitch." "He's the most mature guy in the whole high school." "He ought to be." "He's 21." "So, Mike, what do you and your friends plan to do all weekend?" "Breathe free, Mom." "And once you get the hang of that, then what happens?" "Then, the usual." "A little fishing, hiking, dirt biking..." " bird watching." "Stuff like that." " Wait a minute." "Wait a minute." "What was that right before bird watching?" "Dirt biking." "Dirt biking." "I said dirt biking, okay?" "Jason, may I have a word with you in the living room?" "What?" "She said, "May I have a word with you in the living room?"" "What's wrong with you people?" "Well, here we are in the living room... to discuss Mike dirt biking." "Come on, Jason." "I think it's important that we present a unified front to the kids." " I wish I knew what they were saying." " I know what they're saying." ""We've got to present a unified front to the kids."" "And Dad is saying, "Come on, Maggie." "I know Mike's screwed up before..." ""but we can't raise the kid in a bubble."" "And Mom is saying, "I don't see why not." ""It's not like it's never been done before."" "And Dad is saying, "Maggie, you're overreacting."" "I am not overreacting." "I just don't want to see him get himself killed up there." "Honey, he could get killed right here." "He could fall down the stairs, he could drown in the tub." "He could choke on my pastrami surprise." "Well, that does it." "Tomorrow, we're gonna get that kid a bubble." "Come on, who's kidding who?" "They're not gonna let me go camping because it's fun." " Mike?" " I know, I know... you guys don't have any fun, so you don't want me to have any fun." "Mike, they didn't want to have you." "Mike, we decided to let you go camping." "I can?" "All right!" "But you can't go dirt biking." "I can't go dirt biking?" "Dad, what does she mean, I can't go dirt biking?" "Well, my interpretation would be you can't go dirt biking." "I knew you guys didn't want me to have any fun." "Mike, it's not a question of fun." "It's a question of death." "But, Mom, I could get killed right here at home." "Well, frankly, your mother and I discussed that, and we'd prefer it that way." "All right." "I don't believe you guys." "Hey, Mike, there's something you ought to consider here." "We don't have to let you go at all!" "And all of a sudden, the dream changes." "I'm in the bathroom brushing my teeth." "And then, they're not my teeth anymore." "And it's not my face." "It gets all ugly and weird." "It's either The Elephant Man or Mike!" " And then?" " This part gets a little fuzzy." "Ben, I paid you at the beginning of this dream." "But this one's extra long." "Look, I'm a poor student working on a paper." "Okay, but from now on, it's 50 cents per dream, up front... no matter what the length." "It's clear now." "It is Mike." "I've turned into Mike!" "I'm beating myself up." "My life is wasted, but I'm too stupid to know it!" " Fascinating." " And then I wake up." "So, did you have any other dreams last night?" "No, that was the only one." "But, Ben, I need more material to analyze." "Carol, it's the middle of the day." "I can't just fall asleep." "I need something to relax me... to get me in the mood." "Suddenly, I'm getting drowsy." " Hello." " Jason, I want you to see something." "The Simone's catalog." "I thought you threw that away." "Oh, I did." "But somehow, it found its way back home." "Well, maybe some good Samaritan passing by saw it fall out of the garbage... noticed the address, and returned it." " And taped it back together?" " A very good Samaritan." "And slipped it into my lingerie drawer?" "Possibly a great Samaritan." "Jason... something tells me that you'd like to see me in one of those outfits." " No." " Not even a little bit?" " I'm not that kind of guy." " Of course not, Jason." "But if you had to be that kind of guy, I mean, let's just say... there was a gun at your head, which one would you pick?" "Maggie, I didn't even..." "Page 17, item 2693..." " with the whistle." " Oh, the whistle." "Just off the top of my head." ""Call Of The Wild"?" "In pink." "Boy, Ben had the weirdest dream." "I think he's got some deep-rooted anxieties toward Mike." "Who doesn't?" " I wish I didn't." " Maggie." "Jason, he's out there in the wilderness, with Boner." " Did we make a mistake?" " Maybe." "Fifteen years ago." "But we agreed not to worry about it this weekend." "I know." "I just hope he's okay." ""'I want you, Jo Anne." "I need you because I'm a man,' he snorted." ""'And so at last, finally, I mean now..." " "'I get to realize my dream."'" " Which is?" ""To be continued in next month's issue."" "Oh, great!" "This thing doesn't even have a centerfold." "Way to go, Boner." "You're up, Seaver." "Look, Mitch, I told you, I dirt biked my brains out last summer... and I'm kind of burned out on the experience." "Wait a minute, Seaver." "Didn't you tell me last week... that you'd never tried one of these?" "Yeah, one of these." "I mean, this the Oshima 705." "Now, I've tried the 702, 703, 704, and almost everything else." "Oshima don't make a 704, Seaver." "Yeah, because when I tested the prototype..." "I told them it was a piece of garbage." "You're not afraid of the 705, are you, Mikey?" "Hey, look, guys, I'm just not supposed to." "Who says?" "Your mommy?" "No, not my mommy." ""My mommy." The jokes don't stop coming with you guys, do they?" "Well, you see, the fact is that... several prominent doctors have advised that breaking any more bones could... kind of ruin my chances of turning pro." "I didn't know they had professional wusses." " Hey, I'm not a wuss, okay?" " No, no, no, he's not a wuss." "He just does a good imitation of one." "Knock it off!" "Mikey's mad." "Give me the bike." "Just give me the bike." "I'm not doing any stunts." "Look at him go." "Wow!" "I didn't realize those things could go through a bush like that." "Now he's got his elbows wrapped around the handlebars." "Look, he's hanging from the tail pipe!" "And he said he wasn't gonna do any stunts." "Holy cow!" "I couldn't find him anywhere." "You don't think he went over the cliff, do you?" "Well, if he did, that means more ribs for us." "Hey, guys." "How's it going?" "Gee, Seaver." "We thought you bought it up there." "You mean my trick dismount?" "You mean, you expect us to believe that you did that on purpose?" "Yeah." "Of course, I do." "Look, you're my friends." "You're not all that bright." "Look at the back of his pants." "What's wrong with the back of my pants?" "They're not there." "We better go home and get him to a doctor." "No, no, man." "Look, I'm fine, really." "I just need to sit down for a minute." "May I have your name again, sir?" "McManus." "Bartholomew McManus." " Well, Bartholomew..." " Just call me Barth." "Okay, Barth." "The doctor will see you in a moment." " Why don't you just have a seat?" " Okay." "No, no, I sit all day." "I'll need Mrs. Cramden's x-rays..." " Michael!" "Michael Seaver." " Dr. McCloskey!" "Look, I didn't think you worked on weekends." " Don't you have that substitute doctor?" " Oh, you mean Dr. Emmett?" "No, he's on vacation this week." "You must be very busy." "Look, I'll come back some other time." "Nonsense, nonsense." "Jump up here." "Now what seems to be the trouble?" "I guess that says it all." "We'll have a look." " It's just a little scratch, Doc." " That looks bad, Mike." "It's broken in half." "That hurt?" "No, no, not really." "Was that you?" "How did this happen, Mike?" "To tell you the truth, Doc, it's kind of always been like this." " It's just acting up." " Mike?" "Okay, okay, I was at a party and I sat on a hot pizza." "Well, there seem to be some abrasions." "Those are cheese burns." "And what about the gravel?" "We didn't order that." "So I'm flying over New York in my underwear... and then, all of a sudden, people start yelling, "Hey, look!" "It's on inside out!"" "Now, is this before or after the one where you were..." "Ben, the forgotten Kennedy." "It was before that, and after the one... where I turned into the human hot dog." "Ben, you know I'm getting graded on this paper." "You're not just making this stuff up, are you?" "No, Carol." "These are real dreams." "You swear?" "Cross my heart." "I'd never make up a dream." "Great." "Well, this should be enough for a penetrating... psychological profile of the real Ben Seaver." "Penetrating and profitable." "Jason, you are crazy." "Why, 'cause I was born to be wild?" "No, because you have a dirt bike in my living room." "Well, we also have a very unhappy boy up at Bear Mountain right now." "So I thought why not go out, rent a bike, and teach him to ride myself." "What a sweet and incredibly terrifying idea." "Maggie, I know what I'm doing." "I used to ride a Harley, for crying out loud." "I know, sweetheart." "I visited you in the hospital." "Hey, that cow came out of nowhere." " I'm gonna kill you." " I'm gonna kill you back." " You can't." "You'll be dead." " Not if I go slowly." "Hold on." "I'll do the killing around here." "Ben ruined my paper." "Not the portrait of the sleeping 9-year-old?" "He said all the dreams he sold me were real, and now I catch him... on the front lawn buying a nightmare from Ralph Finsterwald!" "Hey, I said they were real dreams." "I didn't say they were mine." " Ben!" " So I bought a few off some friends." " I barely broke even." " Ben." "Okay, okay, so I made a 200º/% profit." "Is that such a crime?" "But you ruined my paper." "Now all my conclusions are meaningless." "I don't know, Carol." "I think there might still be a paper in this somewhere." "Say, the emergence of the criminal mind... or the effects of swift and severe punishment, such as... doing your sister's chores for a whole weekend?" "What?" "I think it will take a lot more than a weekend to get reliable data." "I need at least a week." "Sounds like a good idea to me." "What do you say, Ben?" "I hate it." "Okay, we'll make it a month." "A week sounds fair." "Ben, Ben..." "Never sell your dreams." "Not at these prices." " Mike?" " Mom!" "Have you lost weight!" "What are you doing here?" "Here?" "Here, Mom?" "Let me ask you this:" "What are any of us doing here?" "I mean, it's a timeless question." "I think a dead philosopher once said..." " Mike, what are you doing here?" " Dad!" "Have you lost weight?" "Mike, how come you're home a day early?" "Well, to tell you the truth, Mom..." "I kind of got in a little argument with Boner." "I'm sorry to hear that, but I'm glad you're home, Mike... 'cause I have a surprise for you." "Come on, take a look." "Mike, how come you're walking like that?" "I'm just trying to keep the suspense alive, Mom." "There she is, Mike!" "Is that a mean machine, or what?" "It is the Oshima 705." "You ever see one of these babies?" "Yeah, once." "It was going the other way." "Your father rented it for the weekend so he could teach you how to ride." "Oh, gee!" "What a dad." "What a pal." "What a guy." "Well, I'm off to bed now." "Mike, bike." " Come on, plant that duff up here." " Which duff?" "Where?" "Come on, Mike!" "Let's go!" "Hop on!" "Ah, comfortable." "Come on, sit down." "It's not going to bite you." "It's got great suspension, too." "Maggie, I think he likes it." "I can feel the wind in our hair already." " Jason, might I have a word with you?" " Yeah, Dad, have words." "Have lots of words." "Nothing that says it quite like words." "Jason, that was Dr. McCloskey on the phone." " Seems Mike stopped by there today." " Yeah?" "What for?" "Turns out he has some pretty bad bruises and abrasions on his gluteal region." "Why didn't he tell us?" "Now, could these be the kind of bruises that you get from... say, falling off a dirt bike?" "I just happened to ask Dr. McCloskey the same question." "And he said?" "It's either that, or a freak shaving accident." "Oh, Mike!" "Yeah, Dad?" " Ready to go biking?" " Now, Dad?" "Yeah." "Come on." "We're gonna take this little puppy over... some of the roughest terrain on Long Island." "You know, your father was out all day scouting for potholes." " Potholes?" " Yeah." "And if you were real men, you'd do it without shock absorbers." "Let's take them off, Mike." "What do you say?" "No, Dad, I don't think we should do this." "I mean, dirt bikes are death machines." "People fall off and get hurt." "No way." "No." "Only a bone-brain would fall off." "Come on." "Let's get your rear in gear." "Let's go, Mike." "Come on, Mike!" "Look, please don't make me." "But why not?" "Because I'm a bone-brain, all right?" "I mean, I fell off one of these things at Bear Mountain." "I promised I wouldn't ride it, but I did, and I got hurt." "You warned me, I didn't listen to you." "You were right." "You're always right." "And personally, I find that annoying." "What is it with you people?" "I don't know, Jason." "What is it with us people?" "We can't help it." "We're older." "We're wiser." "I find that annoying, too." "Then wait till you hear this." "I think we agree that you should spend the next week in your room." "Can I spend it lying on my face?" "All right." "Thanks." "And, Mike... what really upsets us is not just that you went and rode the dirt bike... but that you tried to deceive us." "I mean, if you get hurt, we need to know." "Does that mean that if I had told you guys I wouldn't be punished?" "No." "Just checking." "Well, what a pity to waste this." "It's rented for the whole weekend." "Well, I don't know..." "Hot." "Very hot." "Can you sit like that for the entire rental period?" "Well, I've got a better idea." "Why don't we just take a little spin upstairs?" "I did a little shopping at Simone's of Syosset today." "I picked up..." "Call of the Wild." "In pink?" "In chocolate." "Come on, Mike." "Let's go." "I'm not going." "Oh, come on, Mike, we'll miss the movie." "But, Mom, people will see me." "No, they won't." "It's a drive-in." "Okay." "English"