" Good morning." " Morning." "Ah." "You're amazing." "I know." "wealreadyhavecrosseseverywhere." "Do we really need a pope on the fridge?" "because he is so inspiring." "you see him... papa." "Puts a smile on your face." "why don't you put the pope in your room and go smile in there?" "I already have two popes in my room." "Gracias very much." "Oh." "papa?" "Are you lonely?" "You wanna be with your friends?" "Well..." "He looks happy there." "You can probably dump that whole thing on there." "Next time." "Hi!" "lupita." "but there is plenty left." "Aw." "Dinner with my entire family..." "And Schneider." "I invited him again." "He's an orphan." "Do orphans always have rich dads who buy them buildings? and four living stepmothers..." "But there is a hole in here." "We never had family meals." "I ate alone in front of the TV." "pobrecito Schneider." "don't get me wrong." "It was a massive TV." "but only if I agreed to watch telenovelas." "those are so over the top." "Rosa got jealous of the housekeeper so she threatened to throw live scorpions on her while she slept." "Sounds good." "Which one was that?" "no." "Rosa was my nanny." "stepmother." "I am so glad to be here." "I'm just glad to be home with everybody." "Who the hell are you?" "my best friend." "I'm doing my history project with her." "These all sound like things I should know." "Carmen." "Hi." "Ah." "I'm Penelope." "Kind of a big deal around here." "what's this history project you're working on?" "And then maybe later you can show me how to turn into a bat." "we just got done explaining the whole thing." "Imissedit ." "wait." "tell your mother that funny story that happened in chemistry class." "I'll tell it." "there is the floor and... slip." "that Dylan." "that story never gets old." "man." "I'm missing all the scoops..." "Plus latina twilight over here." "Careful." "There's a lot of garlic in that chicken." "Your mom's kind of mean." "I'm obsessed with her." "Who would like a pastelito?" "Mmm!" "You know what?" "How about we go on a family hike this Saturday like we used to?" "Carmen and I need all Saturday for our history thing." "and abuelita and I have tickets to wrestling." "I don't understand why you waste good money on that." "It's educational." "I don't know." "Saturday's out." "How about we go on a hike Sunday morning before it gets hot?" "You seem to have forgot." "Sunday morning is for church." "we skip church." "You seem to have forgot." "We don't skip church." "it'sokayif we missitonetime." "It's not gonna kill us." "really? he was crushed by a runaway tractor." "Why don't you just go to church and then go hiking' after?" "church takes all day." "By the time you're done with mass" "you exaggerate. 4:30." "I wanna see these guys this weekend." "Come on." "'Cause I like them." "I have to put my foot down." "Sundays we go to church... sometimes we go to applebee's. and I'm gonna put my foot down and say this Sunday we're not going to church." "I am putting both of my feet down." "We are going and that is the end of it." "Ya!" "That's not your decision to make." "It's Startin' to feel kinda like home in here." "I'm with mom." "We don't need to go to church." "you don't even believe half that stuff." " I believe everything." " Really?" "When you take the communion you believe you're eating the actual flesh and blood of Jesus?" "it's a symbol." "Don't be gross." "then you're protestant." "There is no need for name-calling." "All I know is that a good catholic does not skip church." "papito?" "I like church." "I see my friends." "I eat some donuts." "this one gets it." "We're going." "we are not!" "I work hard all week." "there's barely enough time to have a meal with the kids." "Weekends are my only chance." "no church." "End of discussion." " Ooh." " Ooh." "What?" "What'd she say? because I cannot believe we're having this discussion!" "I'm their mother!" "I don't need to ask permission!" "I decide." "and I decide what you decide." "damn it!" "Don't make me choose between you." "I'd choose Lydia because of her warm food and even warmer hugs." "But I'd feel really bad about it." "go call one of your moms." "Fine." "Guess I'll just go eat this all alone in front of my massive TV." "too!" "Ay." "Mami... but I'm their mother and you're making decisions that I should be making." "Sí?" " Yeah." "I don't like the kids having dessert every night." "come on." "Es una cosita." "But we have to watch our sugar." "Dad had diabetes." "I killed your father?" "What?" "No!" "lookaround." "I don't want crosses and pope stuff everywhere." "My apartment looks like Jesus' pinterest page. and I decide if I want obese kids or the pope staring at me while I pee." "Ah..." "Yo entiendo." "I teach the children manners... you want me to keep my mouth shut." "exactly." " Thank you for understanding..." " No!" "So I am a servant?" "cinderbuela." "No more!" "I won't do it." "please." " I'll be in my servant's quarters." "Slam!" "I have to say "slam" because you would not give me a door!" "What?" "Eso..." "Yeah!" "Oh." "Where's abuelita?" " Pouting." " Where's breakfast?" "Working on it." "Where's breakfast?" "I'm..." "I'm working on it." "Where are my pants?" "right?" "How can you not know where your pants are at?" "Abuelita washed them." "She said my cuffs looked shabby." "Who am I to disagree?" "youwin!" "Where are Alex's pants?" "Where's abuelita?" "She's small." "She's probably under something." "Kids..." "I think your abuelita has run away from home." "have you..." " Wow!" "I always forget how huge your apartment is." "it's not that big." "But let's talk in the parlor." "have you seen my mom?" "no." "Then why do I smell fried plantains and Cuban coffee?" "Fine!" "She spent the night." "nothing happened." "chasing' that woman away? she cleans." " Where is she?" " I don't know. so she already knows the drill." "Unlike some people." "What was that?" "And why was she drinking my coffee? I had to seek solace in the arms of..." "I don't know her name." "Your mom called her the "stick girl" and made her eat Plato De huevos." "too?" "there's no reason to get lawyers involved." "My daughter." "I'm sorry." "too." "And that." "no. because that's what you are." "You're so sensitive." "I just want you to be honest with yourself and ask what happens if your self-published vampire erotica doesn't take off." "I believe in you." "It's..." "And she's gone." "you know how kids are." "Thirty-seven is a rough age." "Any word from your mom?" "but I'm sure she's home talking crap about me with Juan Pablo and benedicto." "Has she ever disappeared like this before?" "she does the opposite of go away." "She just sighs really loudly." ""Ay!"" "Anything to draw attention to the fact that she's wounded and nearby." "too." "It went like this..." "I hate you!" "I still miss her." "I just..." "I don't... you know?" "I got kids." "doesn't she help out? does the laundry..." "Sounds like she does everything." "it does when I say it out loud." "She's also turning my apartment into the sistine chapel." "That must look amazing." "I'm not explaining this right." "hold on." "yeah." "I am just about to leave." "What's up?" "I just came down to get my afternoon café con leche - but she's still not here." " What?" "though." "I got this." "All three kids are fine." " Three?" " Yeah." "Elena's best friend?" "We have got to catch you up." "I know who Carmen is." "She's the ghost who ate all my chicken." "Ms. Alvarez." "Takin' you off speaker." "Great." "Now she's gonna send her flying monkeys after me." " And now you're off speaker." " Schneider!" "my god." "Anyway..." "I appreciate you helping me out." "it's cool." "I had to get out of my apartment." "Stick girl is still up there." "I called her an uber this morning." "The guy never showed." "Maybe it's a sign." "Should I marry her?" "I gotta go." "now I'm worried." "She's never not been home when the kids get there." "she's 70." "One wrong move and she's down." "wet bathroom floor." "none." "Huh..." "Where would a devout catholic woman go after an argument with her daughter about religion?" "Dr. berkowitz." "Thank you." "But we need to answer the question." "Mami." "you just assumed I was here?" "old woman married to prayer?" "But... you are here." "Still... you shouldn't stereotype." "birdie." "She is such a suck-up." "She thinks she's tan fancy because her four grandsons are altar boys." "Guataca." "Move over." " Ah-ah!" " Oh!" "So..." "Have you been here all day?" "Getting decorating ideas?" "No..." "I have been riding around this morning in something called El uber." "wow." "That must've been expensive." "Schneider set it up." "I think it's free." "I think that car was for stick girl." "her." "Mami... but we gotta talk about some things." "Okay. because you-know-who just put in new batteries." "I'm not gonna be a mom for much longer." "Elena is having her quinces." "Alex is already using hair gel." "soon they're gonna be out of the house." "I just..." "I need you to give me more space to parent." "I understand what you are saying." " Don't put me in a home." " What?" "no." "I wouldn't..." "I'm not gonna do..." "I would never do that." "I would never do that!" "Ever." "no?" " No!" "I would never put you in a home." "whereisthiscomingfrom ?" "Your abuela... used to live with us... she would slice onions..." "The most beautiful paper-thin onions." "I remember." "Nobody could slice an onion like abuela." "that's all." "But it made her feel useful." "we hated onions." "one day we told her." "dead." "Oh..." "That's terrible." "I know." "I still get teary when I..." "Slice an onion." "youaretheglue that holds our home together." "we'd be on the street living in a cardboard box." "You're just saying that to cheer me up." "No." "I'm really not." "We need you." "Mami..." "Could you make me un cafecito in the morning for the rest of my life?" "Claro." "Aw..." "She is like a bat!" "Shall we?" "Yes." "anyways." "we'll talk about that later." "We'll talk... what's to talk about?" "Well..." "I'm just not sure I wanna go to church..." "Maybe ever again." "What?" "She said she didn't want to go to church." "Mami!" "Don't do that!" " please!" " You go on." "I will pray for your eternal soul..." "And then call El uber." "Hi!" "lupita! but I insisted nobody say anything interesting till you got here." "that's so sweet." "It's been weird." "Did you find abuelita?" "she's with Jesus now." "no!" "poor choice of words." "church." "whoa!" "What do we have here? and venison carpaccio on a bed of nettles." "Grab a cedar plank and dig in." "huh?" "You like it?" "I can't wait to have eaten it." "I didn't think I would like nettles." "And I was right." "I'm competing with perfection here." "Schneider." "We all thank you for this very Caucasian meal. you beautiful weirdo." "I'm sorry things got crazy the other night." "That's... that's not us." "Seems like us." "We have all kinds of arguments in my family." "so..." "Carmen." "Hello!" "thank god!" "I am so glad you're home." "I was wilting under the pressure to be you." "babies." "I'm sure you did fine." "Who threw up on the table?" "What were you doing all day? praying for the departed souls..." "Asking forgiveness for your mother." " Mami." " Why?" "didn't she tell you?" "She's no longer going to church." "Ever." "We can do that?" "You can't." "We will all go together." "Us." "Your mother will go hiking with Satan." "and then we'll go to applebee's." "'Cause Satan loves the fiesta lime chicken!" "I guess you want to take my grandchildren to hell with you." "I don't wanna go to hell." "There is no hell." "thereis." "Okay!" "You... you really wanna do this?" "let's do this." "okay?" "Hardcore." "you'resosmart." "who made all of this?" "Target. not a he or a she?" "No!" "God is a man." "there would be less problems." "Pobrecito god." "He tries so hard." "Igetit ." "You like going to church." "It's habit." "you gossip..." "Oye." "La nieta De olguitita got new tetas."" "and that's fine." "It is more than that." "I pray." "I seek forgiveness." "And I am so glad that that gives you comfort." "okay?" "I'm sorry." "He kept you safe." "he kept you safe. and then the army sends her to Afghanistan where she is getting shot at and I don't even know what else..." "Have you any idea..." "How much I worried? I went to church every day and I prayed that he would keep you safe." "And he did." "So don't you tell me about god." "I know that god exists." "And he is great." "I'msorry." "Perdón." "Lo siento." "I had no idea." "you went missing for one day and I was worried sick." "I can't imagine what it must feel like to worry all those years. with her terrible hairdos and her smelly bad breath." "Look..." "I still wear the cross you gave me." "So you do believe." "I don't wear it because it's a cross." "I wear it because you gave it to me." "so please just let me have this." "Okay." "are we going to church or not?" "okay?" "okay?" " Yeah." "at least..." " At least Christmas and easter." "so we are not those people." "And I'm not saying god doesn't exist. don't let Elena come home with a face tattoo." "Iamglad that you find comfort in church." "I just find it in different places." "once in Afghanistan... and I was so tired." "I went into the break room and Serena Williams was on TV." "She was so focused." "She was making these impossible shots." "And I just kept thinking about everything that she had to go through to get to where she is." "all the practice." "okay... then I can do this." "That's how I feel when I watch John cena." "Yes." "Exactly." "Exactly." "Or Sonia sotomayor... or death." "Everyone has something that inspires them." "Yo entiendo." "I also... play Nintendo." " Good morning." " Morning."