" [Man groaning] - [Computer mouse clicking]" " [Groaning continues] - [Clicking continues]" " [Clicking continues]" " You are unbelievable!" "Ooh." "Yes." "Mmm." "Yes." "Oh, I want you to be my unicorn." " Chub!" " Oh, dad!" "You're not masturbating all over yourself again, are you?" "I mean, is that any kind of life to live?" "I'm trying to have some privacy here." "It is my room, for god's sake." "Just get a girlfriend, not that." "I am, dad." "I'm trying to get one." " That's what I'm doing." " That's what you're doing?" "Well, I got to see if I like her first." "Besides, didn't I catch you doing the same exact thing?" "Once." "One time." "And I didn't like it in the least." "Right." "You didn't like it." "Nope." "Not for me." "Just get a girlfriend, will you?" "Oh." "You're the one." "This is on." "It's happening." "[Gun cocks, gunshot]" "[Gun cocks, gunshot]" "[Mouse clicking]" "[Clicking continues]" "(Hip hop music playing)" "(Hip hop music continues)" "[No audible dialogue]" "[No audible dialogue]" "(Music fades)" "[Sighs]" " Hi, there." " Cigarettes." "No." "Gum." " Any kind." " Is that it?" "So just the one gum and, um, the... vodka?" " Vodka?" " Mm-hmm." "What are you saying?" "We don't want any vodka." "We want one gum." "That's all, okay?" "We don't drink." "Yeah, we hate it." "Oh." "Okay." "Yeah, I get it." "Wait." "I saw you stuff it into your purse." "It's that right... oh!" " What time do you get off?" " [Groans]" "What time do you get off, baby?" "Any time he wants, I bet." "Ooh!" "[Groans]" "We close at midnight." "Oh!" "Unh-unh." " Make it 11:30." " I can do that, yeah." "Make it 11, Amber." "I can't wait that long." "Okay." "I can do that, too." " 'Kay. 11." " 'Kay." "Okay, 11." "I'm gonna be right here." "Keep the change." "Bye, papi." "Bye." "[Snorts]" "[Sighs]" "It smells like perfume!" "Dude, do you mind if I stick around?" "Yeah, you should stick around, 'cause this is happening!" "Yes!" "This is happening." "[No audible dialogue]" "[Snoring]" "[TV chatter]" " Hey, dad." " Food in the freezer." " What you got?" " Lasagna, stuffed green peppers, sandwich." "In the freezer?" "No, you idiot, the other side." "Whatever you call that side." "Well, that side's the refrigerator, dad!" "I know that." "Go some potstickers, had some for lunch." "Excellent." "Mini burger things." "You know what I mean." "You mean sliders?" "If that's what you'd call them." "The freezer's empty, dad!" "I don't know!" "Check the pantry." "Do I have to think of everything?" "[Knock on door]" "Yes?" " [Knocking continues]" " Come in!" "Do I have to do everything around here?" "Holy smoley, bone!" "How many times do I have to tell you?" "Just come in." "I'm missing my movie." "I'm sorry, Mr. Moorhead, but suppose i come in one day and you're just walking around naked?" "Well, then you'd see what a real man looks like." "What's with the laptop?" "It's for checking stuff out." "What stuff?" "Stuff!" " What you doin'?" " Jacking music." "Oh, yeah." "I Jack all my music." "What kind of idiots pay for that stuff?" "Idiots do." "I jacked 15 movies yesterday." "Oh, yeah?" "Well..." "I jacked, like, $10,000 of software in 45 minutes yesterday." "Big deal." "I own all the software ever made." "Oh, yeah?" "Well..." "I invented jacking, and in some circles" "I'm known as bone the jackulator." "Maybe you invented jacking, but I downloaded the entire Internet!" "It's not that big if you compress it." "Yeah, the Internet is all about gettin' stuff for free." "Mm-hmm." "Hey, what do you think happened last night?" " About the babes?" " Yeah." "I mean, we were..." "Well, the only real explanation is that they got hung up somehow." "I mean, maybe..." "Maybe they got the flu or they needed to study or... [gasps]..." "You know, maybe it's a rain check kind of situation." "Oh, rain check's good, right?" "It means we get the same exact thing only later." "[Computer chimes]" " Wait." "What is this?" " What?" "It's an email that says" ""young, vulnerable Russian women just got off the boat."" "What's that mean?" "It means that they were sailors." "They just got out of the military, which is a good thing, because they're probably really horny." "All right, wait." ""Looking for young American men for a long or short term relationship."" "[Gasps] Look at her!" "[Bone] Whoa!" "A babe!" "We're doin' this right now." "Here we go." "Okay." "[Keys clicking]" "American male..." "Looking for a long or short term relationship with Russian ex-sailor." "What's the downside?" " There isn't one." " [Computer chimes]" " It's her." " What, already?" "In, like, three seconds?" "She's hot." "I mean, she's got to be hot or..." " Read it!" " Okay, I am." ""I'm available as soon as you can meet."" "Oh." "Where?" "Meet her at McCloud." "Van nuys!" " But what do I do?" " Just meet her." "Meet her and I'll be your wingman." "You're awesome!" "Yes!" "I'm gonna..." "I'm gonna meet her." " What are you doing?" " The wingman dance." " What is that?" " It's the wingman dance." "It's kind of awesome." "Can you teach me?" " Yeah." "Just flap your arms." " Flap my arms." "Yeah." "Get that chest involved a little bit." " I got the chest going!" " Mm-hmm." "I'm gonna walk in there and I'm gonna be like," ""what's up, lady?" "I'm..." "I'm the wingman!"" "No, no." "You're not the wingman." "I'm the wingman." "You're the man-man." "Two more "jackuitars."" " Thanks." " Can I get you anything else?" " Uh, we're good." " Yeah." "Great." "I'm gonna..." "I'm gonna go sit over there." "I think it's better if we're not together." " 'Kay." " Yeah." "Now, just watch my back, 'cause in case, you know, it's a scam or an attempted strong-arm robbery, 'Kay?" " 'Kay." " Got it." "Boom." "All right, I got this." "Whew." "Oh!" "I forgot my drink." " Oh, yeah." " Thank you." "Yeah, it's good." "Good choice." "I got this." "All right." "Here we go." " [Bad Russian accent] Chub?" " Yes?" "It's me, your Russian dream girl." "[Winces] Oh." "So happy!" "I don't exactly recognize you." "Easy mistake." "So easy." "So happy you came." "You like to come, chub, don't you?" "You like that a lot." "You are the kind of man that can come and come." "[Stammering] There's a problem going on here." "There was you in the email, and then there's..." "You in person." "Why talk about such meaningless things, chub?" "Why?" "I want you to enjoy me." "Okay." "But first..." "We must make the normal arrangements." " Arrangements?" " Yes." "I must hear your specific needs so I can give you a fair price." "I don't get it." "You know, it's like buying a car." "You want automatic transmission?" "It costs more." "You want big strong engine?" "It's more." "It's only fair." "Now, tell me." " Uh-oh." " I give..." "It's my father." "I got to..." "He just calls and he has no respect at all." "At such important moments like this?" "So you ran out of beer, and stuffed peppers and some lasagna." "The teeny tiny little burnt..." "Yeah, I know." "Okay." "Mm." "Man, I got some really, really bad," " out of the blue news." " What is that, my chub?" "My dad, he needs a few things from the grocery store and he's not good at waiting, so I'm just gonna..." " I'm gonna..." " No..." " No, I'm gonna go." " No!" "Wait." "There's time for quickie." "Whew!" "No." "No, no, no." "No quickie." "I'm good." " But..." " Nothing else to be said." " No." " It's great." "Hello!" "My I help you?" "Probably." "Anything." "Let your imagination run wild, my dear..." "Your name?" "Bone." "How appropriate." "I hate my life." "What?" "Why?" "What... what are we doing?" "We're not guys anymore." "We are in the last stages of being just guys." " What?" " Are you listening to me?" "We are not guys anymore!" "We have no money." "We got crappy jobs, no girlfriends." "I'm living with my dad, and you, you're..." "You're hooking up with a 50-year-old Russian ex-sailor and liking it." "Hey, it could be worse." " How?" " We could be older." "We will be... soon." "And then what?" "Well, then it will just be the same as now, but then." "That's the problem." "Now becomes then." " [Mouse clicking]" " Wait a minute." "If all of these babes post selfies free..." "And they do!" "They would definitely do it for money." " What do you mean?" "We are gonna run a selfie contest with a gigantic mega prize." "Best selfie, as judged by us, wins $500." "No, no." "We're gonna..." "We're gonna make it $1,000." "That's stupid." "We don't have $1,000." "See?" "That is where my genius kicks in!" "We are gonna charge them $15 to submit their selfie." "To win the thousand dollars?" "Bingo!" "And as we rack up the selfies at $15 per, we will rake in the customized selfies!" " Do you get it?" " Yeah." "And then all the $15 become the $1,000 grand prize, right?" "Double bingo!" "See?" "Here is where my genius really kicks in!" "Once we make more than $1,000, we're gonna be in the black..." "Or the red, depending on how you look at it." "And we're gonna get selfie girlfriends and we're gonna move out!" "That is what i call intelligence." "It's foolproof!" "We are calling it the "selfie shootout."" "[Imitates shotgun cocking and firing]" "Any babes yet?" "No." "The idea's not that great." "[Computer keys clicking]" "[Bone gasps]" "Holy mother of all that is sweet and "voluptuous!"" " What?" "Selfie in... paid." "And she's hot." "I can see her, too!" "It works." "How can we not get rich?" "Oh, we can." "Or is it "can't"?" "How can we not get our own place?" "Can and can't?" "How can we not get girlfriends?" "Can and can't." "How can we not become happy?" " Can and can't!" " Oh, it's perfect." "The mother lode." " But wait." " What?" "Can we monopolize this idea?" "I mean, others can Jack it." "Then what?" "We can't have competition." "O.M.G." "You mean other people could Jack our idea and not pay us for it?" "Yeah, there's thieves lurkin' all over the Internet." " Hate that!" "We need a monopoly and a copyright." " We can get both, right?" " Yeah." "Yeah!" "Need it." "Need it a.S.A.P.!" " Now what?" " I'll do the thinking', and you..." "You do the legwork." " How?" " Idiot." "You can only get a monopoly one way." "You search the Internet." "I mean, there is a process." "You both are idiots." "Everything's not on the Internet." "It's not?" "No." "In order to get a monopoly, you need to go directly to the government." "Now they control who gets a monopoly and who doesn't." " Okay." "You know, my brother's a congressman." "I probably could get an appointment with him." "I mean, god knows he owes me a favor or nine." "Your twin brother brother?" " Yeah." " How come I've never met him?" "We haven't gotten along in decades." " Why is that?" " Well, just a little sibling rivalry." " About what?" " None of your business." "All right." "Now, he owes me, and it's time to collect." "I thought you didn't drink." "Anything else?" "Gum?" "What is this?" "An inquisition?" "No, I was just, um..." "Do you do selfies?" " Excuse me?" " Do you take selfies?" "Idiot." "Everybody takes selfies." "Well, we're gonna have a selfie contest, and you can win a thousand if you have the best selfie." " How much?" " A thousand large." " A thousand large?" " Mm-hmm." "A million dollars?" "No." "Not a million." "That would be ridiculous." "No, um, a thousand." "You mean one large." "Yeah." "Just one selfie, though?" "No mas?" "It's got to be sexy, 'cause I'm the judge." "Oh!" "Oh, you're the judge?" "Me." "Okay." "How do I win?" "Well, I am partial to selfies taken from the... the front." "From the front." "You know, well, um..." "The top front." "You know what I mean?" "Oh, yeah." "Anything else?" "No." "I think that covers it." "Just go to selfieshootout.Tv." "Hmm." "I'll think about it." "But it's not easy to take a selfie, you know?" "Is there anything yet?" "Ah, it's the babe from the store." "From the store?" "[Phone rings]" " Hola." " Hola." "You remember me?" "Who's this?" "It's the guy from the liquor store." "The selfie judge." "Oh!" "You get my selfie?" "Yeah, and it was right on the money." "Am I the winner?" "Uh..." "You could be." "But I did what you wanted." "Could we meet up?" "What?" "Why?" "Well, you see, it's my experience that a face immensely helps in the decision-making process." "But you've seen me already." "Yeah, but I kind of need a refresher." "Okay, maybe we could party with some of my girlfriends." "Oh!" "Is this working or what?" "She wants to party." "Okay?" "What are you even asking me?" "Sure." "Uh, maybe a hot tub party at my place." "We'll order, have it catered, and don't forget your credit card, okay?" "(Hip hop music playing)" " Ten!" " Ten total selfies." "That's $150!" "The mother lode!" " Selfies." " Check 'em out." "So nice!" "What?" "Wait." "What is that." "No, it can't be." "Another one." "There's two more!" "Yeah, I see 'em, too." "How did these guys get on here?" "We didn't say "female selfies," just "selfies."" "This guy's kind of good-lookin'." "I mean, he's okay, uh, right?" "For a dude?" "Stop it." "Just stop it." "I mean, you would jump a bullfrog if it smiled at you." "Wait." "Oh, I'm gonna fix it." " How?" " We'll post "ladies only."" "But we're not really lookin' for ladies, are we?" "Not really." "Then "girls only."" "Ehh, is that offensive?" ""Girls"?" "Could be, in some quarters." "But let's just call a horse a horse." "Babes." "We're lookin' for babes." "So we're posting "babes only."" " Is that legal?" "You mean, are we discriminating?" "Yeah, we could go to jail for that." " For posting "babes only"?" " Probably." "Let's just delete the men like they never existed." "And then if anybody asks us, we'll just... we'll swear we didn't..." "We didn't delete anyone." "I don't know." "Yeah." "Only you and me will know." "Ha ha!" "Yeah!" "So this is what a rain check is all about!" " Boom..." " Ow!" " Sorry." " I'm good, I'm good." " What's up?" " Hop in." "All right." "[Humming]" " Yeah!" "Oh, what a surprise!" "I know you." "You're the liquor store guy." "You're kind of cute." " Do remember me?" " How could I forget you?" "Let's get started." "Did you bring your cell phone and your credit card?" "Uh, for what?" "The selfies?" " No!" "For the party." " Oh." " Liquor and stuff." " I thought you didn't drink." "Ha!" "Silly guy." " Here, I'll call." " Oh." "Hi, we'd like to place an order." "Two case of champagne, Tequila." " Correct." " (Beat music playing)" "And some chips and nuts." "(Music continues)" "Oh!" "You just... bring..." "Bring some more alcohol!" "Yeah, yeah." "Get that selfie stick, too." "Champagne!" "Champagne!" "Right there." "Bring it." "[Cheering]" "Yeah, hi." "I wanted to order three pairs of stilettos." "Yeah, one black, one red, and then one pur..." "Oh, do you have purple?" " Purple." " [Whispering]" "Hi, I want everything that she just ordered, but in a size seven." "Okay, great!" "Thank you!" "Hi!" "I need a size 12." "Yes, I said 12." "(Beat music continues)" "[No audible dialogue]" "[Whimpers]" "[Whimpering]" "[Music fades]" "You gonna get up?" "It's almost two in the afternoon." "You got to be at work in 15 minutes." "[Pounding on door]" "You're not in there doing you know what, that party you have with yourself?" "Oh, my god!" "What are you doin' to each other?" "What?" "What?" "What?" "Oh!" "What did I do?" "Oh, god, what did I do?" " [Grunts]" " What?" "You and I, we were..." "We were cool last night, right?" "No." "What?" "Yeah?" "Yes?" "We didn't..." " Didn't..." " No." "No, no, no." "Nothing like that." "We... we're good." "Good." "Okay." "What is this?" "What's that?" " No." " What?" "What is it?" "It's from last night." "The credit card receipts." "I don't remember that." "Well, you signed for them so it's on you!" "Me?" "But you were there, too." "But you signed them." "$459, $227, and $334 tip?" "What?" "I believe in rewarding good service." "This pluses to over $2,000." "[Phone chimes]" " No." " What?" "It's an e-receipt for $1,897.63!" " What?" " Shoes!" "They bought shoes last night!" "How much do we have in the selfie account?" "I don't know, exactly." " Ballpark!" " Ballpark?" "Not that much." "I should have never have shared this idea with you." "It could have been all mine." "All of it." "I am so mad at you right now," "I can't even look at you!" "[Wails]" "Stop it!" "Knock it off." "[Dad] Will you stop embarrassing yourselves and me?" "Go to work!" "You got an appointment with my brother tomorrow." "1:00 P.M. can you make it?" "Can you hear me?" "Yes!" "Thanks, dad!" " [Whimpers]" " Shh!" "[Man clears throat]" " Dad?" " Dad?" "Oh, you must chub, Ronnie's son." "Call me uncle Dan." "Nice to meet you." "I'm seeing you soon, right?" "Lottery ticket." "Just one quick pick." "Nice to see you again." "What?" "I'm just saying hi." "[Woman] We met briefly." "Friends, yes?" "Just friends." "That's it." "Only buy these when the prize money gets big." "Really big." "That's my philosophy." " So smart." "So bold!" " How's that?" "Well, what's the point otherwise?" "I know I'm gonna lose." "But when the money gets really big, it gets my attention." "I'll take a flyer for a buck." "Everyone does, right?" "Well, that's how the prize money gets really big." "Everyone buys." "Just human nature." " [No audible dialogue]" " I hear you." "I do." "Ciao, chub." "Ciao..." "lady." "What the hell was that?" "Just pretend like we're stupid, okay?" " We'll get further that way." " 'Kay." "We know nothing." "We are just your average American idiots lookin' for some government help, 'Kay?" " 'Kay." " On the same page?" " 'Kay." " Good." "Breathe." "Oh!" "Sorry to keep you fellas waiting." "No, it's... it's okay." "Now..." "So you're my nephew." "Of course, Ronnie's boy." " Yeah." "So good to chat with you, chub." "So how is Ronnie?" "Good, I suppose." " Little angry." " Angry?" "What?" "I made it and he didn't." "That's just the way things work out." " How?" "Well, we ran against each other for this seat, and he lost." "Wow." "I didn't know that." "Well, it turned out people couldn't tell the difference between us." "Happens all the time in politics." "My name is Daniel t." "Moorhead." "His is Ronald t." "Moorhead." "My name comes before him on the ballot, so I got 85% of the vote..." "A butt-kicking." "Wow." "That's... that's a lot." "So, you two are my constituents, correct?" "Mmm." " [Both grunt]" " Good." "Give me a second here." "[Chub] Ooh." "Do what you got to do." "I get it." "Okay." "Okay." "You're our country's future." " Yes, sir." "We are that." " Absolutely." "I understand you're starting a business" " and you need a little help." " Yeah, exactly." " See, we've got a..." " We're just concerned that while we have a terrific idea..." " It's kind of awesome." " And what's that?" " It's a contest." "Well, there's nothing new about a contest." "What's it for?" "It's a selfie contest." "We call it the "selfie shootout."" " Selfies." "Yeah." "See, women take selfies" " in kind of, uh..." " A special way." "You know." "[Honking]" "Yeah, a special way." "Nothing like a good selfie now and then." " No." " Oh, yeah." " Our thoughts exactly." " True that." "So what's your concern?" "Well, someone might Jack it." " Jack it?" " Well, steal it." "Yeah, any competition at this point would be a big problem." "It would be a disaster." "You're worried about Internet theft and..." "What we need is an idea monopoly." "An idea monopoly." "Yes." "For example, we know that the oil companies..." " Monopoly." "And Internet searching Goliath..." " A monopoly." " And the cable companies..." "Monopoly." "And now we know that the government" " allows all this stuff." " Correct." "I mean, it just makes things, you know..." " More profitable." " Exactly." "Yes, we just need to know how to apply." "Is there an application form or do you just write up a personalized law to get our personalized monopoly?" "Yeah, we're not exactly sure on the, like, what ifs and the how-tos and the whatnots." "Well, boys, I don't exactly know how it works myself, but it probably involves a little scratch my back stuff, know what I mean?" "Mmm, no." "I don't get it." "Pay for play." " Uh, still don't get it." " No." "Okay, let me tell you how one of my friendly constituents" " explained it to me." " [Chub] Okay." "If you want an automatic transmission or a big strong engine when you buy a car, it's more." "Correct?" " It sounds familiar." " And correct." "Well, you know, if you're asking for a favor," "I mean, you know, time is money." "So that's pay for play." " Kind of." "Kind of not." " What?" "Have you boys contributed to my reelection campaign?" "I mean, that's a foolproof way to do it every time." "Not yet, no." "But we're planning on it." " Good to hear." " 'Kay." "Now let me think." "Ahh." "Department of justice." " Department of justice?" " Yeah." "That's the agency that enforces federal law." "Kind of keeps everything in check." "Keeps monopolies safe and strong." "Well, that is exactly what we're looking for, seriously." " Good to meet you, chub." " Oh." "And you." "And, boys, on the way out, could you see my assistant out there?" "Little donation." "Big donation." "'Kay?" "Need that." " [Both] Pay to play!" " Exactly." "Says here that the FBI is part of the department of justice." "Perfect." "They must actually be the exact ones who enforce monopoly law." "Yeah, that's how I see it." "Enforcing monopoly law is like enforcing the tax code." "It's like enforcing laws against bestiality." "It is the most important thing that they do." "Law enforcement, no doubt." "No doubt." "I mean, where would we be without monopolies?" "Where would we be without the FBI protecting them?" "Chaos." "There is way too much competition." "And jacking our contest is like theft, huh?" "No, no." "It is theft." "Back to business." "Tough question here." "Now, what about the money?" "The shortfall." "It's a problem, no doubt." "Well, I'm about to make all things beautiful again." "I have an idea." "Yes, Mr. bone, my genius is back!" "We have stalled out." " More selfies means mo' money, right?" " Correct." "Now, the congressman came into the store yesterday" " with that Russian babe." " She was with him?" " Irina?" " So?" "So... nothing, i suppose." "Anyway, he bought a lottery ticket, and he said that..." "Hey, are you listening to me?" "Focus." "Where was I?" "Oh, here we go." "He said that he only buys tickets when the prize money is really big." "Okay." "But she was with him, though?" "Did it seem like she liked him?" "Yes, yes." "Oh, my god." "Will you just listen to me?" "If we raise the cash prize, we'll get more selfies." "Bigger lottery prizes attract more ticket buyers." "Bigger prize money attracts more selfies." "Ergo, mas dinero for us." "It's a vicious cycle." "I like it." "I like it a lot." " How much bigger?" " $35,000." "Don't have it." "We didn't have the 1,000." "I like it." "I like it a lot." "But did it seem like she liked him a lot?" "[Knock on door]" "Afternoon, Mr. Moorhead." "He's in the bedroom, probably fiddling." "Will the fiddling ever end?" " Get over here." " What's up?" "Look at this." "Whoa." "A pure babe." " So..." " Sophisticated." "And just the right amount of naughty." "[Chub] She is the perfect combination of naughty and sophistication." "She is definitely a very, very strong contender." "Yo, check the shopping cart." " See how much today." " Oh, okay." " Even more?" " Wait." "$42,775 banked?" " I'm scared." " I am, too." "Why are you scared?" "Because we haven't met with the FBI yet and our monopoly is in significant jeopardy." "That's exactly why I'm scared." "Afternoon." "How can I help you?" "We recently met with congressman Daniel t." "Moorhead and he recommended that we speak to an agent here." "A very important financial matter..." "Monopolies, specifically." "Oh, well, we only deal with federal, so..." "This is a federal matter of unique and urgent concern." "An emergency." "Well, did the congressman make an appointment for you?" "No." "This is so huge that an appointment" " would be, like..." " Inappropriate." " Yeah." " Inappropriate?" "It's an emergency, and emergencies don't need appointments." " Correct." " Boom." "I mean, do you need an appointment for a hospital emergency room?" " The answer is no!" " Unh-unh." "[Sighs, clears throat]" "Agent Miller, i have two gentlemen here who said they were referred by congressman Moorhead." "By him personally." "Could you please say that?" "They were referred by him personally." "And we paid for play." "Could you tell the agent that, too?" "They're implying that they paid the congressman for..." "A government favor." "[Chub] Mm-hmm." "A government favor." "Okay." "The agent will see you." " That way." " Okay." "Thank you for meeting with us, sir." "We donated money to the congressman's campaign." "Yes, we did." "And he said that was the best way to get a government favor..." "A.K.A. Monopoly." "Yeah, fastest, safest, best." "Hello?" "Sir, can you hear us?" "I heard every word." "Please, take a seat." "Go on." "Hello!" " Hello." " Hello, too." "So what is this about pay to play?" "Did he try to shake you down?" "Oh, no, no, no." "We are fine with pay to play." "Yeah, we're fine with it." "It's a few bucks well spent, we think." "You see, we have a really remarkable idea for a contest, and we're just concerned that there might be some competition." "Yeah, so we just need a monopoly before that nasty event." "We can't have competition." "We just can't." "So we need you to enforce our monopoly to eliminate any unwarranted competition." "Yeah, to, like, thwart any possible Internet thievery." "Correct." "Yes." "Well, what is the idea?" "Is this in strict confidence?" "Sure." "Sure what?" "We need to hear you say it, that this is in strict confidence." "You have to say it." "This is in strict confidence." "We started an online contest." "For what?" "Um, best selfie contest." "No, no, no, no, no, no, no." "Have you ever seen me before?" "[Laughs] Kind of." "If it makes any difference, you are a very, very strong contender." " Really?" " Mm-hmm." "Yeah." "Very, very, very strong." "Chub here is particularly in your corner." " That's me." " I am?" "Mm-hmm." "Well, that is for the good, i suppose." "Oh, but wait a minute." "Would it be possible to continue this meeting without you thinking about it?" "It?" " The selfie." " Um..." "Mostly." "Um, off and on." "Okay, just tell me what's going on." "So far we have taken in over $42,000 in contest entry money." " $42,000?" " Mm-hmm." "That's, like, thousands of selfies." "And I'm a strong contender?" "Oh, come on!" "We are trying not to think about you!" " Good, good." " We're just worried that someone might steal our idea and then they'll get all the money." " And the babes." " And that would be bad." "So we need a monopoly on this." "I can't help you." "But why not?" "My cable company?" "I've only got one choice." "Monopoly!" "Yeah, you see, that is different." "That is guaranteed by law." "Bingo!" "That's..." "That's what we need." " Guaranteed by law." " Okay, wait a minute." "I just want to go back to the congressman and his money request." "She's a babe, but she doesn't get monopolies in the least." "Yeah, what are we even paying taxes for?" "You pay taxes to pay other peoples' salaries." " And then they pay taxes, too?" " Obviously." "Unfortunately, chub, it's a vicious cycle." " Right." " [Phone rings]" "Ooh." " Yeah?" " Chub Moorhead?" "You got him." "This is Harris Williams from rhinoceroz energy drinks." "Oh, I drink that myself." "We sell a ton of it at the liquor store." "Yeah, I love the all-day buzz, 'cause it really works." "Good, good." "This is the chub Moorhead who runs "selfie shootout"?" "Yes." "Some dude is calling about the contest." " Stealing it?" "I'm gonna tell him that we got a lawyer." " Don't have one." " Shh!" "First off, you should know that we are all lawyered-up." "Yes." "That's just a warning." "And we also have a very good contact at the FBI." "Well, that's real good, 'cause I expect to speak to your lawyer about the contract I'm fixin' to offer you." "Just remember, we are very litigious." "Very." "And we do not take competition lightly." "Unh-unh." "So you know what?" "You need to listen up." "When we sue, we sue to get your house and your car." "And your TV and your laptop." "Take it all!" "It's like hitting the lottery!" "Understood." "We heard about your contest, and we'd like to be your official sponsor..." "And partner." "Sponsor?" "Rhinoceroz energy drink wants to sponsor our contest." "Perfect." "I always wanted to be sponsored." "Oh, bone." "You are so ambitious." "Bone, honey, I'm a little worried about your weight." "Too much or not enough?" "It's a sweet deal." "Rhinoceroz is offering $5,000 for worldwide rights to "selfie shootout."" "Does worldwide mean, like, the whole world?" "You all would keep the U.S." "Rhinoceroz would have international." "Japan, parts of Africa," "Brazil, Denmark, United Kingdom, a few others." "Canada." "Does rhinoceroz have a monopoly?" "We're trademarked." "There's no monopoly." "Well, you might want to look into getting one of those" " for, like, safety's sake." " Yeah." "We'd rename the international website in our affiliate countries" ""rhinoceroz selfie shootout," pow pow pow!" " Oh!" "I like the ring to that!" " It's great." "$5,000 for worldwide rights." "Uh, Mr. Williams, could we just discuss this for, like, a minute?" "Absolutely." "I'll give you cowboys some privacy." " Take your time." " Oh, you can stay." "It's just gonna take a minute." "I'm in." "It's free money." "Let's just think this through." "It's an opening offer and I think I can get more." "Yes!" "Nail that mother to the wall." "But, um..." " What?" " It's free money, so we don't want to lose out on that." " No." "I'd be happy with, say, $500." " Really?" " Yeah." "Okay." "We have a counter!" "Business is business." "I understand completely." "We have, of course, worked very hard on "selfie shootout."" "And we see immense upside for rhinoceroz." "We do, too, hence the $5,000." "Well, then I think we need the 5,000 and 25 cases of the beverage." "Delivered." "But we're not hard on that number." "We're negotiable on that." "Totally." "Totally." "That was correct." "$5,000 and 25 cases..." "Delivered." " Yes!" " Awesome!" "[Alarm chirps]" "[Doorbell rings]" "It's me, Mr. Moorhead!" " Ooh." " What?" "Wow." "Good look, there." "Chub bought it." "You really like it?" "Oh, what can I say?" "Sharp." "He's in the bedroom." "It's kind of not working out like I thought." "The shootout?" " Yeah." " What do you mean?" "I thought we'd get some babes." "We are getting babes." "Tons." "And money." "Tons." "No." "Us personally, you know?" "Just for us." "And the money's kind of stalling out." "Worrisome." "And you're right, we haven't met any babes since the hot tub party." "Do you think they were just using us?" "They're just snaps, like before." "I thought we'd, you know, get girls." " Wait a minute." " Genius kicking in?" "Kicked in!" "We need to start thinkin' like a big box store." "That's kind of what I was thinking, too." "Big box." "How?" "We need volume." "That's what we've been missing." "The hot tub party?" " That was small time." " Meager." "Suppose we throw a really big meet the judges party?" "I'm talkin' big." "I like it." "I like it a lot." "But this time we control costs." "We charge them $5 at the door!" "Yes!" "Money coming in!" "We meet them in person, and they'll like us because they have to!" " Exactly." " Oh!" "I'm a genius." "[Computer beeps]" " Selfie coming in." " Yup." "Oh!" "Please, just stop it." "Whew!" "What a babe." "Any more of her?" "Hmm?" "Maybe." "There." "Ooh, yes." "Best of breed." "Invite her." "Sorry about the interruption." "Rhino board of directors asked me to personally see what all these selfies are about." "15 sites up and running around the globe." "Well, let's see a few." "Hmm." "She's beautiful." "So how's that going?" " $24,625." "Two days." " Gold mine." "You got to know them Japanese love their selfies." "An unbelievable $179,125 in just two days." "Well, we all love selfies." "I know I do." "I..." "I'm wondering how much do the Danes like their selfies?" "Not as much as the Japanese, but, hey, it's a smaller country." "$32,025 in 48 hours." "Well, per capita that's..." "That's pretty damn good." "And our liability in each of these countries?" " The... the prize money?" " Nothin'." " Nothing?" " Yep." "How can that be?" "Nice little contract we have." "The boys are covering the $35,000 grand prize." "We have all the international rights, as in all the international income." "Genius, geni..." "Ah, say, are there any other selfies?" "Oh." "My personal favorite, Brazil." "[Inhales]" "It's like them Brazilian babes were just made for selfies." "I couldn't agree more." "I'm going to need .Jpegs" "of all of these." "Hi-rez only." "For the files, you understand." "Oh." "Oh, yes." "Oh." "Oh." "Ooh, ooh, ooh." "Selfies italiano per favore." "Here you go." "Ahh!" "Holy cannoli." "I'd like to smear some ricotta cheese on her tasty little rump." " (Beat music playing)" " Grr." "(Beat music continues)" "'Kay, mom, just make sure you're collecting the $5." "I know, I know." "Go, go, go." "$5 includes a free drink." " Your name sweetie?" " Abby." " Abby." "Best of luck." " Thanks." " Next name?" " Bolivia." "How do we get our extra points?" "See our sons the judges back there?" "You kiss there ass for maximum points." "Does this include snacks?" "Of course it does, Bolivia." "What can I tell you?" "Our sons, they hate money, but they love their little selfies." "Next?" "Name?" "Lakeisha." "Oh, honey, how do you spell that?" "Like it sounds." "Right." "There you go." "Next?" "Nicole." "Can you tell me where are the judges?" "They're back there." "There you go." "$5!" "Oh, ho, ho, ho!" "Well, look at you." "Aren't you something?" "[High-pitched voice] Oh, thanks." "[Deep voice] Got a special invite from the judges." "Not gonna lie." "Here for the extra points." "Here, let's snap a few." "Ooh!" "Oh, okay." "Oh." "5 bucks?" "What a deal!" "They have to be taking a lot." "Or getting a tax write-off." "Ooh, if they need a tax write-off, that means they're really rich." "So smart, losing money." "Crazy smart." "Um, chub said we all get some, uh, extra free drinks?" "Ooh!" "Well, whatever chub says goes." "You're such a tramp." "Oh, they can afford it." "Losing money is smart for rich people." "(Beat music continues)" "All right, girls!" "To the bar we go!" "Take care of these lovely ladies." "Give 'em whatever they want." "Oh!" "What's up, ladies?" "How are you?" "Oh, are those the shoes that we bought you?" "Yeah, they are, sweetie." "Thank you so much." "Oh, yes, thank you so much." "We love them." "You two are so sweet." " Oh, we're so sweet?" " Yes." "Yeah, baby." "You said we could." " We did?" " We were drunk." " And they are babes." " You know what?" "It's no problem!" "It's our pleasure!" "Yeah, wear 'em in good health." "And guess what?" "You both are contenders!" "What?" "Shake 'em!" "Shake 'em, shake 'em!" " Yes!" " Love it!" "I love my life!" "I need a drink!" "Thank you!" "(Music continues)" " Bottle of champagne." " Me, too." "It's so generous of the guys." "Let's go see them." " [Cheering] - [Chattering]" " [Bone honks]" " Want a drink?" " Hey." " Hey." "I'm Abby." "You're so hot." "I know." "It is sweltering in here." "No." "No!" "Your essence." "Hey." " Hey, Abby." " Yeah, this is Abby." " I know!" " Got to be honest here." " For the extra points." " Not for the drinks?" "Drinks!" "Me!" "[All] Drinks!" "Me!" "[Chub] If you want extra drinks, just tell them that chub told you all right!" "Give this selfie queen an extra ten points." " Whoo!" " I want all the points!" "Whoo!" "Wait a minute!" "17 over there!" "What about me?" "How many do I get?" "Huh?" "Rosa gets 50 extra bonus points!" " I love you, Rosa!" " 45." " 39." " Yeah!" " Uh-oh!" " 45." "Mindy!" "[Cheering and shouting]" " 12!" " And me?" "How many points do I get?" "Dance off!" "(Techno music playing)" "[Echoing] * yeah, yeah [no audible dialogue] * yeah, yeah, yeah" "[no audible dialogue]" "* yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah * yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah *" "* yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah" "(music fades)" "Did you see that babe last night?" "Which one?" "The babe-est." "The one in the green sequined dress." "Mmm." "Mmm." "She was not my type." "Oh, I liked her a lot." "I would give her minus points." "Ah, you can't minus points her." " I gave her 369." " Points?" " Mm-hmm." "How are we judging this anyways?" "I don't remember who I gave points to or how many." "Did we get laid last night?" " I doubt it." " Are you sure?" "Mmm, 90% sure?" "And if we did, it doesn't count since we don't remember it." " Good point." " Yep." "Not remembering is like it never happened." "[Grunts]" "But wait, i don't remember my babyhood, but I had one." "Okay." "Oh, man." "I would love to get my jetpack blasted by that green dress babe." "[Groans]" "[Groaning]" "Mm-mmm, mm-mmm, mmm!" "What do you think?" "Unh-unh." "She's all yours." "Boys!" "Get in here quick." "Breaking news." "[Announcer] Winners of this past weekend's super lottery draw." "We don't really care about the news, dad." "[Burps]" "It's kind of an interruption in our lives." "It's okay." "We'll, you're gonna want to see this." "Shh." "K-dik major breaking news." "We have our on-scene reporter Sandra Jackson at congressman Daniel t." "Moorhead's office" "Sandra, what's breaking there?" "Thanks, Jeff." "I'm here with congressman Moorhead and special agent Zoey Miller." "Wow, Zoey Miller, can you explain these extraordinary circumstances?" "Well, I am not so sure they're all that unusual." "I am taking the congressman into custody for what is commonly known as "pay to play."" " Okay." " In this case, overt demands for money from his constituents in exchange for political favors." "In short, extortion." "Comments, congressman?" "Well, let's be very, very clear about this." "Taking campaign donations is perfectly legal." "I mean, think about it." "People don't donate money out of the goodness of their heart, do they?" "I mean, do they?" "Can you explain that a little bit, congressman?" "Well, if I don't return the favor, then shame on me." "I mean, if I happen to do something that does something for one of my donors that needs done, then just so much the better for everyone." "I mean, isn't it the right thing to do when someone gives you money?" "I understand the logic." "Well, perfect logic." "That's all I have to say." " Okay." " No, wait." "I'll be out before sunset." "So he's off to jail." "Gone." "He's no use to me anymore." "Did you like him?" "He like all the others." "But you... bone." "But did you like him a lot?" "Like, you know, that kind of a lot?" " Ehh..." " Guess who!" " I don't know." " It's me!" " Hey." " Hi." "Who's she?" "One of your other selfie girls?" "Oh, she's just a friend." " A dear friend." " Oh." "I suppose an important selfie judge like yourself has all the women he needs." "Filled to the brim, i bet." "Overflow, you hunk of a man, you." "Hey!" "I am with him." "With her?" "Or with me?" "[Groans]" "Um, rain check." "Rain check?" "Think again." "Think quickly." "Oh, sorry." "That just slipped out of my memory." "I meant, like, check please." "Maybe we can check out of here and check out another place, maybe?" " You sure?" " Yeah, we can..." "You're gonna think I'm crazy, but I just love shopping..." "Going to pawn shops." " Pawn shops?" " Pawn shops?" "Yes, yes." "They seem so exotic." "Exotic." " Exotic?" " Yes, and I love exotic." "You might even say "exotic" is my motto." "How do feel about..." "Exotic?" ""Exotic" is one of my mottos, too." "I mean, maybe it's more of a slogan for me." "Same exact thing." " Go." "You two were made for each other." "So do you know any good pawn shops?" "Oh, I know plenty of great pawn shops." " Oh, yeah?" " I go every weekend." " Oh." " Yeah." "Is that where you get all the jewelry?" "Congressman?" "No, you ninny." "Chub's father." "Who's this?" "Kind of like a girlfriend." "Kind of?" "Way to go, bone." ""Kind of" means beginning stages of girlfriend/boyfriend." "Oh, darling!" "You did get out!" "So happy." "Can I offer you anything?" "A celebration?" "Darling?" "Offer me what?" "Anything." "Let your imagination run wild." "You are so good at that." "A Yankee mix." "Now me." "What would you like to order from me?" "Ahh." "Are you tried of the Russian Irina?" "I don't know you enough." "So sweet." "So charming." "[Bad cockney accent] How'd you like this accent?" "This accent's a little harder to do." "It's an upcharge." "Russian's easy." "I just throw that in as part of the deal." " You do accents." " All day!" "All night, bloke, if that's your pleasure." " Really?" "I'll give you any accent you like." "[Bad French accent] How's this, mon amour?" " Does this work?" " Does it work?" "I'll say it does." "Mon amour, i can throw in French free." "I kind of like the cockney." "You know, the tough girl." "[Bad cockney accent] Tough girl?" "Accent upcharge, too." "Well, I'll go the upcharge." "Smart move, Daniel." "So smart." "Daniel?" "Yes." "Yes, Daniel." "Call me Daniel." "Let's go for the whole shooting match." "Daniel would love that, but not as much as me." "Oh, my god." "Just look!" "A gigantic grab bag full of exotic treasures." "Oh, my, look at that ring." "I loves rings." "They're my fashion statement." " Am I too flashy?" "No." "Exactly the right flashy." " Could we see it?" " Here you go?" "Ooh!" "Aren't you the cutest thing ever?" "I could just take you in my mouth." "Oh, my, I'm getting ahead of myself." "Ooh, head..." "love that." "Me, too." " How much?" " 7900." " A steal." " One of a kind." "We'll take it." "Oh, no, no." "No kissing." "Not on the first date." "Sorry." "Naughty, naughty, naughty." "Love it!" "Have you ever been in love?" "Every click of the mouse." "I wish I had a dad so I could ask him about love." "I hate this conversation." " I bought her a ring." " Who?" "The babe from the big box party." "Green dress, yellow heels." " What's her name?" " I don't know..." "And I don't care." "You don't know her name and you bought her a ring?" " What kind?" " Diamond." "$7900, and she is worth every penny." " Did you charge it?" " What do you think?" "How are we money-wise?" "Ballpark..." "50 grand, banked." "Our meet the judges' party cost $27,347?" "How can that be?" "Your mother charged them, right?" " She did." "Then what is the plus from the party?" " 50." " 50,000?" "No, I said 50." "She comped some, refunded some." "$50." "So we threw a $27,347 party?" " Including tip." " What else is on the card?" "Car." "Oh, look." "A fur coat for your mom." "Yeah, well, you bought stuff for your dad." "I see the diamond ring." "Our credit card bill is $142,789.39!" "Sounds about right." "How?" "I thought you said we had 50,000." "Yeah, but that's in "in money,"" "not "out money."" "So we owe, ballpark, $100,000?" "Better than 140." "And we owe a $35,000 prize." "So, ballpark, 140." "'Kay." "How are the selfies coming in?" "Three today." "Three." "Well, someone's asleep at the wheel." "And someone has got the credit card gas pedal to the floor!" "Don't you copy my metaphors." "Car... you." "Dad clothes... you." "Diamond ring... you." "Mink coat... you!" "Meet the judges party..." "You." "Comping girls... you!" "Oh, yeah, well, someone has been slackin'." " You!" " What?" "Where are all your ideas?" "We all know you're the idea man." "I'm just the cohort!" "I'm fresh out of ideas." "[Phone ringing]" "Harris here." "Hey, Harris." "What's up?" " Chub!" " You're on speaker." " Bone's here." " Nothing really." "Just seeing how your "selfie shootout" website's doin'." "You know, the more selfies, the better for our drink." "Not so hot." "Only three." "Oh, that's too bad." "Our international sites are gangbusters." "Selfies through the roof." "Japan, Nigeria..." "Gangbusters." " Japan and Nigeria?" " Through the roof!" "I tell you, those Japanese, they love their selfies." "And Denmark?" "Why, that's a tidy little market." "That's the same as our website." "Chub?" "Chub?" "Got to go, guy." "Oh." "All right." "Where exactly is "nigh-jerryia"?" "What difference does it make?" "India." "Why didn't I think of any of this?" "This is why we're not getting selfies." "Competition." "All the websites are exactly the same as ours." "No monopoly, no profit." "We've got to get back on that profit train." "Let's research capitalism." " What?" " Think about it." "Capitalism equals making money." " Makes sense to me." " Yep." "U.S.P...." "Unique selling proposition." "We just need something to make us special so we can get the girls from Nigeria," "Japan, Denmark to come back to us." "Yeah, 'cause if we're unique, then we'll control the selfie market." "Yep, and he who controls selfies..." "Controls..." "Selfies." "Pure unadulterated power." "And unadulterated power gets us money, which gets us our condo, which gets us our ultimate goal..." "[Together] Babes!" "What can our u.S.P. Be?" "Don't know." "I don't either." "We got..." "I'm gonna stand, and I'm gonna..." "I'm gonna..." "Just work it out." "Oxygen going to the brain." " Working." "Got it." " Here we go." "I got this." "Okay." "You're gonna love it." " Okay." "That's all you're gonna want to do." "I like it." "I like it a lot." "Okay, I'll save that for later." "Um, what I..." "Okay, okay." "Do you think the press release will work?" "How do we get the million dollars?" "What are you?" "An idiot?" "Wha... from the submitted selfies." "That's always been our u.S.P., a bigger cash prize." "I mean, we just didn't know it." "Yeah, it's been hiding in the recesses of your mind." "Would a billion dollars be better?" "That's like a super take 'em to the wall u.S.P." "What are you thinking?" "Do the math." "A billion-dollar prize would mean that every babe on the planet would have to submit, and, obviously, every babe on the planet doesn't take selfies." "I beg to disagree." "[Slapping, groaning]" " [Groans]" " Oh!" "Dad!" "Whoa." "So that's what a real man looks like?" "What are you doing?" "I thought you didn't like it." "Well, this is my house." "You should knock." "I live here." "I don't knock." "Well, a knock every once in awhile would be appreciated." "Breaking news." "This just in, a 4 alarm fire has..." "Thank you." "K-dik, the leader of breaking news, breaks into breaking news with major breaking news." "Our two local boys, chub Moorhead and bone Casper of "selfie shootout" fame, have just announced an increased prize of one million dollars." "I can barely believe it." "The best selfie is in line to become a millionaire." "In addition, our local entrepreneurs have announced a reduction in the submission fee to just five dollars." "If I'm not mistaken, that's a $10 savings." "Well, in the great American tradition..." "More for less." "I got to wonder if that's really a smart move." "Back to breaking news, FBI agent Zoey Miller, who broke the congressman Moorhead pay for play scandal wide open resigned today citing personal reasons." "Did the genius kick in?" "Or did the genius kick?" " Kicked in!" " Well, I don't get..." "You don't get what?" "It is perfectly clear." "More for less." "Million dollar prize, cheaper to submit." "The perfect unique selling proposition." "Well, if I was one of the $15 selfies," "I would want a ten dollar refund." "It's late, Zoey." "I'm gonna miss you." " Zoey." " Oh, I'm sorry." "I'm just trying to finish off this Moorhead research before I officially leave." "God, yeah." "What a dick, huh?" "I'd say." "Runs deeper than I thought." "Submissions." "Tons." "Total." "I need a total." "300 new selfies on the nose." "1500 bucks." " [Computer chimes] - [Groans]" " Refund request." " [Chiming continues]" " Refund requests." " How many?" " 12." " Oh, that's not bad." " 39." " 39?" " 376!" " No!" "Okay, we need to do some math." " 'Kay." " When is the credit card due?" "That's not math." "That's dates." " Seven days." " How much do we owe?" "No, first, how many refund requests?" "1,317." " 1,317 times ten dollars is..." " 13,170." "How many new submissions do we have?" "500. $2500!" "Pretty good!" "Really?" "We owe over ten grand in refunds." " I'll double-check the math." " No!" "The math is correct!" "When is the credit card due?" "Seven days." "I already told you." "It's the same day we're supposed to announce the winner." "Balance on the credit card?" "Holding steady at $142,789.39." "Plus the ten grand in refunds." " Please do the math." "Minus it or plus it?" "I'm not sure." "Plus it to get the minus total." "Plus the two!" "Plus it!" "$152,789.39." "Minimum payment on the card, please." "$4,769... which means we will be completely paid off in... 153 years." "Not terrible." "I'm okay with the 153 years, but we will also owe one million dollars to some nameless selfie in seven days!" "Do you have an idea how we're gonna get that much cash in seven days?" "Do you have any frickin' idea?" " Yes, I do." " And what would that be?" "The obvious..." "Borrow against another card." "What is this?" "[Ringing]" "[Ringing continues]" "All right." " Hello." " Chub Moorhead?" " Yes?" " Charles Dutton," " executive, k-dik TV." " Yes?" "I'm calling about your selfie contest." " Yes?" "I understand you're gonna be announcing the winner this Saturday night." " Correct?" " Yes." "We'd like exclusive rights to broadcast the ceremony around the world." " Okay." "And we're prepared to pay $50,000." "Worldwide rights." "Will that work?" "Yeah, that works." "Thank you." "I'll set it up." "Be at the studio an hour early." "I'll have a check ready, and I'll even host the awards show." "Quite an honor." "Okay." " Pick up." " Yup?" "K-dik just called, and they're gonna pay us $50,000 to broadcast the winning selfie Saturday." " Mother lode." " It's a drop in the bucket." "It'll at least buy us tickets to Guatemala." "Maybe a condo?" "Bone, people are fleeing Guatemala." "Delicious." "It's not so hard." "I..." " It's me, Zoey." " The FBI Zoey?" "Yes." "How you been?" "I've been better, i suppose." "Hmm." "Things aren't going so well, are they?" " With the contest?" " How did you know?" "I have access to a lot of information." "In fact, the FBI has access to everything." "Well, everybody knows that." "I was just trying to be nice." " We're screwed." " [Zoey] You're broke." " Yep." " I got you covered." " How?" " I have discovered something" "I'd like to share with you and bone." "It's a game-changer." "Can you come by?" "[Doorbell rings]" "You don't have the million, do you?" " Not really." " Not at all." " What else?" " Credit card problems." " How much?" " Uh..." "Never mind." " $142,789.39." " Ballpark." " Exactly." " Just north of 100,000." "I said exactly." "Don't mess with me." "I know the color of your underwear." "The FBI know everything." "Suppose I could solve all of your problems and mine in just a few minutes?" "I would say thank you very much." "Moorhead is a bad actor." "For the past several years, he's been transferring campaign donations to a personal offshore account..." "Just over $1.8 million." "Whoa." "Is that legal?" "Of course it is." "He's a congressman." "It's not." "Now, suppose I can transfer 1.2 million into your account in, let's say, the next, mm, two minutes?" "Uh, I would say thank you very much." "Wait, wait, wait, wait." "Is that legal?" "Kind of, and kind of not." "Could we just do the kind of part?" "Interested, gentlemen?" "It'll save all of us." "Well, he's gonna miss it, and then he'll report us." "It's illegal cash." "If he reports it, he'll be turning himself into the FBI." "Interested?" "Let me explain how this works." "[No audible dialogue]" "Ladies and gentlemen across the United States and around the world, welcome to the "selfie shootout"" "one million dollar award ceremony." "And please welcome chub and bone, the founders and sole judges of "selfie shootout."" " Hey!" " Hey!" " What's up?" " What's up?" "Chub and bone, thank you..." " No!" "Thank you." " Yeah, you." "You're awesome!" "For allowing the k-dik family to broadcast what we feel is going to be major breaking news around the world." "You make my dad very happy." "He loves k-dik's breaking news format." "Okay." "Thumbs up to that!" "Oh, oh." "And it is our pleasure" " to award one babe, woman..." " Or girl!" "The opportunity to snap her stuff" " and win one million dollars!" " Yeah!" "Tonight is the biggest night in all the selfie world, and we're expecting one spectacular shootout." "Chub and bone, any last words before our pose off and we award the unbelievable one million dollar prize?" "Bang, bang!" "Let's get it on!" "Boom!" "What the what?" "[Blows raspberry] Yeah!" "Okay, let the shootout begin." "First up is Amber." " [Cheering]" " There she is!" "Yeah, look at those shoes!" " Shoes!" " They look expensive." " Bang, bang." " Hey, boys." "Hey, what's up?" "Looking good!" "The competition is just heating up." "Next is one of my personal favorites..." "Tiffany!" " Yeah!" " Okay, stop it." "Yeah, Tiffany!" " Oh, ho!" " Yes!" " Looking good, looking good." " Oh, yeah." "Strut those legs." "Get those legs, girl." "Snap it." "Snap it, girl." "Oh, yeah." "Nice." "Ooh, okay." "I almost got that one." " Yep." " Stunning, as in stun gun." "Ouch!" "I don't even know what to say about that tidy performance, but then I'm not the judge tonight." " No, I am." " Yes, you are." "Fellas, you ready for number three?" " Yeah." " Oh, yeah!" " I'm so ready!" " I mean, I'm good." ""Selfie shootout" contest number three, please." " Oh, yeah!" " Oh." " Va-Va-voom!" " That's what I'm talking about!" " Hi, beautiful!" " Nice." "Whoa!" "That's what I'm talking about." " Sophisticated." " Love it!" " Oh, hello!" " Oh!" "What?" "Yeah!" "I'm in that one!" " Me, too." " Ha ha!" "Ooh!" "It's been a really exciting shootout to the death, winner take all." "No money for second or third place." "Judges, have you made a decision?" " Former FBI agent Zoey!" " [Cheering]" "[Dutton] Oh, wow!" "I didn't see that coming." "[Chub] I did!" "[Horns honking, bells tinkling]" "Thank you!" "Thank you!" "Hi, beautiful." "These are for you." " Oh!" " Oh, you're so handsome." "Oh, stop it." "That's my boy." "[Bad cockney accent] You must be very proud of him." "Oh, sure am." "Just made a beautiful girl a millionaire, and you got to bet he banked a couple million for him and bone." "Impressive." "So impressive!" "Never thought he had it in him." "He does." "Ronnie?" "Yes?" "You want to take some selfies?" "Oh, you mean some selfie selfies?" " Yeah." " [Giggles]" " Oh!" " Aah!" "All right, we got to go, guys!" "Bye!" " So, hey, Amber..." " No." "Bye, Amber." "Hey, Tiffany, you should have won." "I would have voted for you." " Hey." " Hey, bang, bang!" "Bang, bang." "Bye." " Hey." " Hey." "So now what?" "Back to our humdrum lives?" "Hmm?" "Uh, I guess." "Where have you been the past couple days?" "Just a phone call away." "God, you're beautiful." "Thanks." "I really did miss you." "Did you miss me?" "Of course I did, sweetie." "What's this?" "You gave me ten points?" "You deserve it." "Aww." "Ten for Zoey." "I don't get it." "Well, it's a long story, but you're my winner." "You're just such a great guy." "So now what?" "Hmm, sweetie?" "What do you want?" "Really want?" " Honestly?" " Honestly." "I want a friend." "Someone I can count on," " someone I can go to the..." " Stop." "But first, you naughty little man, there's something you should know." "I'm a man." "Well, I'm not looking for perfection." "[Giggles]" " [Both laughing]" " That was amazing!" " How liberating." " Wow." "Unbelievable." "Um, why..." "Why did you do all of this?" " I mean, I don't..." " Why?" " Yeah." " I like you, chub." "You're a good soul." "And let's face it, a girl can use an extra non-traceable million." "And why not take a little extra to pay off some debt?" "I mean, why not?" "After credit cards, you'll have an extra 20,000 or so." "That's not too bad." "So, you like..." "You really like me?" "Uh-huh." "Is life great or what?" "Mm-hmm." " Ooh!" " [Zoey giggles]" " Oh!" " Yeah!" " Baby, you're hot." " Shut up." " [Zoey giggles]" " I love it." "I love it!" "(Exotic music playing)"