"Well, he's operating right now, sir." "Yes, sir?" "Yes, sir!" "Yes, sir, ifyou say so, sir." "Yes, sir!" "I'll do that right now!" "Sir." "Clamp." "This guy has the right idea." "Write a book on traumatic surgery... and then when a war breaks out, the book gets drafted and he stays home." " Sponge." " Hello, Frank." "How areyou?" "I Frankl Pretty big talk!" "Pierce, using a textbook?" "(Margaret) Orthopedic case." "Dummkopf!" "." "All right, let's put him under, shall we?" "Watch this." "Need some help, Pierce?" "No, thanks." "I'd rather save the patient." "That got him." "Unless they taughtyou something special at Vivisection State Teachers' College." " I Everyone Laughing I" " Which I doubt." " Here we go!" " You better quit whileyou're behind, Frank." "I've been a practicing surgeon for 1 2 years!" "When doyou thinkyou'll be ready to operate?" "Just an estimate, Frank." "Frank, I begged you to quit." "Give me a four-by-four." " And another thing!" " Frank, they'll kill you." " Colonel?" " Yo." "There's a very important phone call on the phone foryou, sir." "Have the call switched." "I'll take it inside this gallbladder." " Metzenbaum scissors." " Sir?" "Sir." "I Whispering I" " Radar, you must be kidding!" " Cross my heart." "Moist lap sponges, please." "Spalding, fiinish up for me, please." " What's up, Henry?" " I'll tell you later." "You were fiinally toilet trained, right?" "Yes, sir." "Yes, indeed, sir." " Yes, sir." " Yes, sir." "What's" " What's that, sir?" "Uh, the 1 9th, Colonel?" "The 1 9th." "Uh, let me see." "The 1 9th would-- That would be between the-- uh, the 1 8th and the 20th... ifl'm anyjudge of 1 9ths." "Yes, sir." "Uh, yes, sir." "We'll be ready." "Oh, and, Colonel, let mejust add that... this is an honor that thrills me right down to my toenails." "Well, yes, sir." "Thankyou, sir." "Yes, sir." "Good day, sir." "He's coming here." " Him, here." "General Douglas MacArth" " I Gasps I" "The head man." "The chiefcheese is coming... here." "Him?" "Here?" "Here." "Yes." "The big monk." " The biggest, highest monkiest ofthem all." " Wow!" "They don't come any monkier." "Doyou know why he's coming here?" "Because we've got the most impressive damn record ofany medical unit in Korea!" "That's North, South, East orWest." " We're the MASH that is the best!" " Rah!" "Rah!" "Colonel Whiteman, his administrative aide?" " He'll be here on Wednesday to briefus." " Oh, wow!" "Radar, this is the biggest thing that's ever happened to me... since I did my fiirst strangulated hernia." "Radar, the publicity!" "The publicity!" "I mean, every move Big Mac makes is news!" " When he goes to the latrine, they flash an AP/UP bulletin." " Really?" "And the Daily Bloomington Pantagraph." "Oh, boy, I canjust see it." ""Supreme Commander inspects Local Doctor,"" "in type aboutyea big." " You'll be famous, sir." " Yeah." "Yeah, and let me tell you something, little friend." "My price for a tonsillectomy..." "just went from 50 to 75 bucks a tonse." " Right!" "Yes, sir." "They'll have to pay iftheywant the big man." "I Chuckles I" "Colonel Blake's offiice?" "Straight ahead, sir." "Can't miss it." "Thankyou, uh, soldier." "Corporal Klinger, sir." "Sentry post number one." "Carry on." "Must be therapy for the mental cases." "And Colonel Whiteman, here, ofGeneral MacArthur's general staff... has very kindly condescended to briefus all briefly... on the general's impinging visit." " Colonel." " Thankyou, Colonel." "I'm sureyou must all be excited at the idea of meeting our supreme commander." "I'm thrilled beyond repair." "My bellybutton's been puckering and un-puckering all day." "A little charged up." "You know, heap big chiefcoming." "All right, let me clueyou in-- schedule and briefiing-wise." " I'll roger that." " Mclntyre." "The general will arrive at exactly 1 1 55 hours... and will enter the camp at this point." "I assumeyou will not, repeat, not have the same man on sentry duty." " Klinger." " Klinger?" "Oh, no, sir." "Make a note-- no Klinger." "Hejust had his ears pierced." "The general's cavalcade will circle the compound, inspecting troops... and then will stop here at point "B" at precisely 1 1 58 hours." "The general will dismount at 1 1 59 hours... after a one-minute security inspection ofthe area by escort." "From 1 200 to 1 204 hours, the general will be welcomed by commanding offiicer." " Maybeyou can break the four-minute welcome, Henry." " You'd better go into training." "1 200 to 1 204 hours." "Colonel Whiteman, lajust want tosay... that this disrespectful attitude is in no way shared... by myselfor Major Burns on my right." "On your right what?" "Included in the above said time allotment for commanding offiicer's greeting... is the introduction ofinferior grade offiicers." "That's gotta be us." " Yes?" " I think the colonel might like to know... that Major Houlihan's fatherwas under General MacArthur in the cavalry." "Her fatherwas a horse!" "Did you know that?" "Our engagement is off." "While the general is here, do not address him unless he fiirst addresses you... and then always use his full name and rank in reply... as "Yes, General MacArthur." "No, General MacArthur."" "'Thankyou, GeneraIMacArthur. "" " God Almighty." " Close." "Very close." "Steady, men." "And now, lunch." "The eating thereof will be at 1 300 hours." "The general eats the same food as that served to men in the fileid." "Does he like his ice cream on top ofhis beefstew like us?" "Mess will terminate at 1 41 0 hours... when the general's pipe is lit." "Must be a squad that takes care ofthat." "We'll have the men on hand, Mclntyre." "Make a note, Radar." "Volunteers to light pipe." "Now then, after lunch" "And the barfiing thereof." "To proceed." "The general's visit is a tribute toyour unit's effiiciency." "A demonstration ofyour function would be most apropos." " We could do an operation for him." " Pierce." " Don't be a simp!" " We operate every day." "Perhaps the general would like to observe our surgeons at work." "Yeah, with a stitch-by-stitch commentary." "And for a big fiinish, a postop infection." "Has possibilities, Colonel." "That'sjust what I was thinking." "I mean, it'd be a real eye-popper." " Colonel?" " Yes?" "Um, as adjutant and assistant chiefsurgeon..." " I'd like to volunteer for that operation." " How splendid, Major." "Very good, Frank." " Lovely." " Then it's agreed." "We'll do a hysterectomy on Major Burns." "Because we have the best record ofany medical unit in Korea... we have been bestowed upon by a great honor-  (Man)MacArthur's coming!" " I Cheering I" "I Togetherl Yea." "quiet." "quiet down, folks." "quiet!" " Does this mean Radar has to take a bath?" " I hope so." "We'll carry him to the river and beat him on a rock." "We've got very little time before the bestowment ofthis honor... and this place is a shambles, so we've got to-- as quickly as possible-- uh, deshamble-ize." "Corporal." ""Duty rosters will be posted on the bulletin board." "No changes will be made." ""All leaves are canceled unless ofhardship, emergency, or oflike or similar nature." ""A death in the family is good, as always." ""All future announcements will be in vocal, oral..." ""orwritten-down form, and in the case ofthe latter..." ""accompanied by immediate superior's signature in three copies... with two in my 'in' basket and one in my 'out."'" "Company... dismissed!" "Klinger, I want to seeyou in my offiice this afternoon." "Yes, sir." "You can double-park your horse." "Colonel, I was thinking." "I might put together a little... souvenir memorial album for the general." " Frank." " Hmm?" "Caesar is coming to inspect us, not bury us." "Hey, that's pretty good, huh?" " Spalding." " Colonel?" "How 'bout writing one ofyour special songs for MacArthur?" "Thinkyou can come up with something nice on the ol' cucaracha there?" " I've been working on it, sir." " Oh!" "#Well, it's not Corrigidor You know it's only Korea #" "# It's a lousy little war But we'd still love to seeya #" "Andl'msure we can scrounge upabeach" "#And you can splash in and give us a speech #" "Withyourcorncobpipe" "#And your fiive gold stars ##" "Well, it's catchy, but it's not "prezactly" what I had in mind." " You're not the least bit clever." " It's a big club, Frank." "Do it again." "What have we here?" "A diminutive Diogenes?" "Looking for two honest men, Radar?" "Oh, thanks." "Hey, Trap." "Frank, what areyou doing?" " Burning books." " Oh." "Any special reason, Dr. Hitler?" "One ofthe greatest living Americans is coming... and I'm not going to let him see some ofthe trash that's read around here." "Plato's Republic?" "The Life ofRedGrange?" "Revolutionaries." " Right!" " Robinson Crusoe?" "Everybody runs around half-naked." " Norman Mailer." " It's got that word in it." "Frank, youburn onemorebook, I'mgonnagiveyoua dancing lesson in themine fileid." "Now, knock it off, gnat-brain!" "General ofthe Army, General Douglas MacArthur, your supreme commander... is going to inspectyou, fella!" "Genuflect when you say that, pal." "And he's gonna fiind usjust the waywe are, and what we are-- draftee doctors, a little gamy... and dazed from crawling inside people trying to keep them breathing." "Forget Fort Dix, Frank." "This is bedpan alley." "Okeydoke." "You slackers do whatyou want." "But I'm gonna show the general we're military!" "And I orderyou to clean up the unholy mess in there, and ifyou don't, I will!" "You touch one dirty sock, you remove one layer ofcrud... you kill one cockroach, Frank, and I will personally... grind you into a fline powder and sprinkleyou on MacArthur's oatmeal!" "What he said!" "(Bugle)" "(Bugle Continues)" "Uh, Klinger, about that getup." "You don't like it?" "Don't be afraid to tell me." "I can take criticism." "No, it's not the outfiit, per se wise." "It's the pedicure." "A little naughty?" "Klinger, the one thing that General MacArthur may not understand... at a military hospital four miles from the front... is a flower girl with a 5:00 shadow." "I just can't haveyou traipse around while his nibs is here." "Sir, you can't be serious." "This is my big chance to get out." "General MacArthur can discharge anybody!" "HarryTruman ifhe wants." "No dice, fella." "Please, Colonel." "I won't smile at him or say I'm pregnant or anything." "All right, I'll tell you what." "I'll giveyou three days R and R in Tokyo." "You leave before Big Mac arrives." " Okay?" " What good is that?" "He'll be here and I'll be there." "It's either that or putyou under tent arrest, tied to a bedpost ifwe have to." "A-And I'd hate to do that, Klinger!" "I've worked so very hard for this, sir." "Easy, guy." "It hasn't been easy, smiling through the makeup." "I'm sorry, Klinger." "Better dismiss me, sir, before my mascara starts." "Dismissed." "Okay, another stitch and then we'll be fiinished." "Some more 30 chromic, and quickly!" "You know my temper." " Sponge that, please, Nurse." " I still thinkwe oughta do an operation for MacArthur." " We could even operate on him." " Now, that's a great idea." " Maybe remove his pipe." " We could suck him out through his own stem." " You wanna fiinish here for me, please?" " Yes, Doctor." "My two favorite words." "What's yourwork assignment, Trap?" "Supervise cleanup ofthe garbage dump." "Oh, the assignments are based on personality!" " Funny!" "What's yours?" " Entertainment committee." "Oh, you gonna inflateyour sleeping bag and doyour Kate Smith imitation?" "No." "I got something better planned." "Okay, this guy's all retreaded." "He's ready for the ward." "Orderly!" "No orderlies around, Doctor." "What doyou mean, no orderlies?" "They're all out there manicuring the rocks." "I couldn't even get an X ray on this guy." "Are we running a hospital or a motel forvisiting demigods?" "It's Frank, the all-purpose idiot." "He's been like a crazed weasel ever since this thing started." "Why don't we have his legs ironed for the inspection?" "Kellye, gimme a hand here, will you?" "It's beginning to look like real army, thanks toyou, Major." "Darling." "I just made up my mind General MacArthurwasn't gonna catch us... with our "thesies" and "thosies" down." "Oh, Frank!" "(Frank)Super-duper!" "That little twerp really didagoodajob." "Let'sjust soak it in for a minute." "I'm soaking, Margaret." "Ohh!" "Oh, he's so handsome!" "So commanding." " Who's the little guy?" " President Truman." "Well, that's about the size ofit, I guess." "I Snickering I" "Frank, please don't laugh in here." "I Whispering I Sorry, Margaret." "I can't wait to meet him." "We're practically family." " Yes, darling." " Dad and he fought the Huks together in the Philippines." " Fought the who?" " The Huks." "A rebellious native tribe." "Oh, those Huks!" "At home on the mantel, we have a picture he autographed." ""Best wishes to my friend, 'Howitzer' AI Houlihan." "Knock 'em dead, fella."" " That's so warm, so human." " That Christmas they exchanged shrunken tribesman's heads." "Well, you don't forget a little thing like that." "This is where he'll sleep." "I'll bet he sleeps deeper than most people." " Frank, do I dare?" " Well, Margaret, you are practically family." "Your eyes are sparkling like club soda." " I feel so" " I don't know." " I feel pretty "I don't know" myself." " My face is hot." " Uh-huh." " And there's a lump in my throat." " Let me kiss it." " Oh, Margaret!" " Oh, Doug!" "All right, everyone into formation, please." "Ah, Colonel Blake?" "Colonel Blake, ifyou will." "Here, sir." "Mclntyre, on the other side of Major Houlihan." "Could you hold this, sir?" "Captain Spalding, on the end right here." "Now make this good, Pierce." "This is going into the memorial album." "Right, boss." "And get in the front row." "I wanna catch those eyes." " Wilco." " Keep 'em spinning counterclockwise." "All right, everybody, move a few feet to the left.Just a few steps." "Okay." "Now takejust a few steps to the right." "Perfect." "Hold it." " I Shutter Clicks I" " Got it." "Thankyou." " I had my eyes shut." " That's okay." "So did I." "Reviewing stand to convoy." "Areyou ready?" "Over." "(Radar)Convoytoreviewingstand." "Readyoverhere." "Over." "Move out!" "This is a rehearsal." "Repeat." "This is a rehearsal." "Shut up, Frank!" "Shut up." " That's not gin." " No, vodka." "It's only a rehearsal." "How could you drink at a time like this?" "With a little luck, we'll get sick." "('StarsAndStripes Forever" Playing On Loudspeaker)" "Company, ten-hut!" "Present arms!" "Eyes left!" "He's much shorter than I thought." "He shrunk." "All that walking on water." "(Ends)" "General MacArthur, I've waited the whole war to meetyou." "Klinger, I warned you!" "I want a rehearsal too, sir." "I wanna showyou I can do it in good taste." "I'm a psycho, sir." "A nutburger, ajellybean." "I got more dresses than yourwife." " Klinger!" " Let me out, I'll kiss your pipe." " Go, Klinger, go." " Get that moron out ofthere!" "Sir, let me stay!" "I'll change my clothes!" " Promise?" " Have I ever lied toyou, sir?" "Take him away." "Sir, no!" "I'll wear something drab." "You'll be proud ofme, sir!" "I think they took away the wrong moron." " Speak." " Oh." "General MacArthur, I bid you hail and welcome... to the 4077th Mobile Army Surgical Hospital." "Although I have bid welcome to other dignitaries... this is the highest bidding I have ever had the privilege." " I Togetherl Of." " Of." "Privilege." " Thankyou, Colonel" " Blake." " Thankyou, Blake." " Introductions!" "Introductions!" "Sir, may I present my staff, General?" "Yes." " Two ofmy captains." " Captain Sodom and Captain Gomorrah." " He's Gomorrah." " General, I've heard a lot aboutyou, sir." "Most ofit infantile." "Ah, thankyou." "And Major..." "Burns." "And his maiden aunt, Major Houlihan." " They're not supposed to say that." " quit horsing around." "General, as a memento ofthis great honor..." "I have prepared a souvenir book with pictures and a complete history ofthe 4077th." "Which will be on sale in the lobby as you leave the theater." "Here, General, you see a picture of" "How did that get in there?" "No lock on the latrine door." "Colonel!" "For crooning out loud, Frank, it'sjust a rehearsal!" " I know, sir, but-- - (Man OverP.A. System) Attention, allpersonnel!" "GeneraIMacArthurhas justpassedCheckpointAble." "He'llbehere inseconds!" "This isnotarehearsal!" "This isarealemergency!" "Please, sir, over here, sir." " Colonel." " Here." "Company, ten-hut!" "Present arms!" "Eyes left!" "('StarsAndStripes Forever")" "#Yeah, Big Mac is coming He'll put an end to this war#" "# Oh, the U.N. decided it was time for Mac to take an encore #" "# Oh, how I yearn to hear Mac say, I shall return once more ##"