"♪ I am the stone that the builder refused ♪" "♪ I am the visual, the inspiration that made lady sing the blues ♪" "♪ I'm the spark that makes your idea bright ♪" "♪ the same spark that lights the dark ♪" "♪ so that you can know your left from your right ♪" "♪ I am the ballot in your box, the bullet in the gun ♪" "♪ the inner glow that lets you know to call your brother son ♪" "♪ the story that just begun ♪" "♪ the promise of what's to come ♪" "♪ and I'ma remain a soldier till the war is won ♪ it's a scene normally reserved for major Hollywood blockbusters." "The faithful have been lined up for days... some arrived in costume... all for the love of chicken." "Okay, try it." "Unh!" "Huey!" "Tomorrow, the fried-chicken event of a lifetime!" "One more herb, one more spice..." "The new kernel's fried chicken new, original recipe, now with 13 what the?" "!" "I bet it's your brother!" "I knew I should've abandoned him at the mall when I had the chance!" "Boy!" "What did I tell you, huh?" "!" "I said you can do what you want with your little survival thing, but don't mess with my tv!" "Every year, it's a new disaster ... bird flu, swine flu, world war III, killer astranoids, new world order..." "What was it... the tri-sexual commission?" "What the hell is a tri-sexual, anyway?" "Trilateral." "I got a silly contraption in my garage, a hundred gallons of *** water!" "I got more damn cheerios and canned green beans than I'm ever gonna eat!" "Granddad, I promise you'll be thanking me when the crisis comes." "Where is the crisis, boy?" "Where's the disaster?" "Where's the return on investment?" "All this damn money for extra food and toilet paper." "That's it!" "It's over!" "I ain't spending another damn dime on the end of the world." "You're on your own now, Jack." "Boy, you ready to go get some chicken?" "Yeah, yeah!" "You want some fried chicken, little baby?" "Fried chicken is murder." "Suit yourself." "Come on." "Let's go." "Yeah!" "What's that for, anyway?" "It's a generator." "What does it do?" "Nothing right now, but if I can get it to work, it could save our lives." "So, how bad is it gonna be when the end of the world comes?" "I don't know, but I got it all worked out so the three of us can survive in this house as long as possible." "Three?" "Me, Riley, and granddad." "What about everyone else?" "I can't save everyone else." "If I tried, I'd just end up saving nobody." "What about me?" "Would you let me stay here..." "You know, I-if things got bad?" "The plan is for three people." "A fourth person, and we could run out of food or water." "But I'm your friend." "Can't you make a plan for four people?" "I guess." "I feel much better about that now." "You know, huey, everybody says you're a loony person, but I think one day, you're gonna be smarter than everybody." "Man, this chicken gonna be off the chain!" "♪ I can't wait ♪" "♪ I can't wait ♪" "♪ mm ♪" "♪ I'm gonna get some chicken ♪" "♪ I can't wait ♪ see, you kids don't know how lucky you have it." "All my life, we only had 11 herbs and spices." "This is a whole new... oh." "Aaaah!" "Oh, man." "A two-piece special with lots of hot sauce and all the fries you can give me." "Boy, wake up." "It's almost chicken time." "What?" "!" "I can't believe what you're telling me!" "What?" "!" "No way!" "No *** damn way!" "Hell no!" "What is it?" "These *** talking about they out of chicken!" "What?" "!" "Listen, listen!" "Welcome to kernel's fried chicken." "Unfortunately, we are out of chicken at the moment." "Please go away until we have more chicken." "Thank you." "God bless." "They ran out of chicken?" "!" "Aw, man!" "This is some more *** no chicken?" "!" "You mean I ain't gonna be able to get that bucket?" "!" "How can they be out of chicken?" "!" "It's kernel's fried chicken!" "This is outrageous!" "This is an outrage!" "Hello, 911?" "No, I ain't calling to snitch!" "I got a real emergency!" "Yeah, I'll hold." "Some of us have been looking forward to this day for a long, long time." "Hello?" "My emergency?" "These fools done ran out of chicken!" "Welcome to kernel's fried chicken." "Unfortunately..." "I ain't leaving this *** until I gets my chicken!" "That's what they do..." "Keep screwing the little man!" "They're not gonna get away with this!" "You right!" "Hey, he's right!" "It's time for us to fight back!" "Let's knock some *** out about this chicken!" "We are not gonna take it anymore!" "Damn!" "No chicken?" "!" "Tonight, civil unrest explodes in several major American cities." "There have been reports of fires, looting, and violence in the streets... all over a fast-food promotion gone terribly wrong." "As the first customers tasted the new secret recipe, reviews were stellar." "Yo *** yo, nigga, this *** is bad as *** yo, put this *** in your mouth, man!" "Eat that *** eat it!" "But early on in the day, there were signs of trouble..." "Impatient crowds, drive-through lines stretching for miles, scuffles between tired and hungry customers." "How you gonna say you got chicken and you ain't got no chicken?" "!" "You knew y'all was gonna do this for a year!" "How am I supposed to feed my family now?" "!" "I want my *** chicken!" "My babies want their *** chicken!" "I can't believe after all that, no chicken!" "I always miss out on the hot new thing!" "And now, another crisis brewing... this one around a mysterious virus that seems to have appeared out of thin air and is spreading like wildfire." "Already, there are 400 confirmed cases of the mystery virus in all 50 States, and the CDC warns it could spread to hundreds of thousands by the end of the week." "Personally, I'm scared *** and for good reason." "Where this virus came from is anybody's guess." "It's the chicken." "Huh?" "Who is it?" "Have you eaten the chicken?" "Huh?" "Huey, it's Tom and Jazmine." "Have you eaten the chicken?" "No." "What?" "Huey, did you hear about the mystery virus?" "Huey, you've got Jazmine terrified about all of this end-of-the-world stuff." "Tell him, huey!" "Tell him the end is coming!" "Look, if you guys want to play your little make-believe survival games, that's fine." "But, sweetie, I promise you, the world is not going to end." "Please, daddy." "It's not safe." "Honey, I have to pick up your mother." "Stay as long as you want." "Have fun." "Call me when you want to come home." "No!" "He made his choice." "You in or out?" "Nobody anywhere saw it coming." "It's being called "the fried chicken flu."" "Thousands are sick, and CDC officials confirm today that the same fried chicken responsible for a second day of riots around the country is also responsible for a pandemic that experts are saying could reach biblical proportions." "I've never seen any *** up ***" "I got to get out here!" "Get out of my *** way!" "Oh..." "My..." "God!" "Oh, man." "This is terrible." "Now we'll never get to try that chicken." "Today, the Mayor of louisville ate chicken at a press conference in a show of support." "Seven hours later, he was in a coma." "Yet, amazingly, people are still eating chicken, packing into the few restaurants that still have the golden bird in stock, willing to risk life and limb for a leg and a thigh." "We're all gonna die!" "We're not going to die." "No, she's right!" "We're all gonna die!" "God, please, take everybody else, but not me!" "We are not going to die!" "This is the day I've been planning for my whole life." "Here is the survival plan." "It contains guidelines for security, food and water rationing, energy usage, communications, et cetera, et cetera." "What?" "Nigga, what is this... homework?" "Everything you need to know is your packet." "It's easy to understand, and I used extra-large type." "Uh, you know, I don't like to read instructions." "Yeah, and I don't like to read, period!" "Just give us the gist." "No!" "You need to read all of it!" "It's all important!" "Okay, but what's the most important stuff?" "I guess the most important thing is that we keep quiet about our emergency supplies and we don't let anyone else in the house, no matter what." "Fine." "Agreed." "What about mommy and daddy?" "!" "There's nothing we can do for them." "They're goners." "Huey's right." "They're on their own." "They gonna die." "Hey, man, she gonna be crying like this all the time?" "'Cause I say if she is, we kick her out." "Shh!" "Everybody shush!" "Shush!" "President Obama's talking." "I know he's gonna tell us what to do." "Uh, good afternoon." "I'd like to start off by thanking all of you out there, uh, who have called and written letters about the safety of the first family." "You'll be happy to know that Michelle, Sasha, malia, myself, and bo are all fine." "Don't nobody care about you, man!" "Tell us everything gonna be okay for us!" "Everything is gonna be okay." "For us." "We are currently in our very own super-secret underground bunker with enough food and water and entertainment to last several lifetimes." "But..." "I'm here tonight to talk about you." "In times of crisis, Americans pull together." "And what's gonna get us through this difficult time?" "Sharing." "Sharing?" "Lending a helping hand to a neighbor in their hour of need." "No *** a neighbor!" "What we need is a cure!" "Unfortunately, there is no cure for the pandemic we now face." "But we do have an even more powerful weapon... compassion for our fellow man." "No *** compassion for our fellow man!" "In conclusion, I want to say that we are all in for some tough times ahead, and when I say "we," I mean you." "But Michelle, Sasha, malia, myself, and bo are gonna be right here, rooting for you all the way." "Good night and God bless you and may God bless the" "United States of America." "We're all gonna die!" "We're all gonna die!" "Hey, good morning, huey." "You want some breakfast?" "Mm." "Granddad, what's going on?" "Just a little breakfast." "Oh, by the way, this is Tina." "She's gonna be staying here until the crisis blows over." "Granddad, the plan was for four people." "Well, how come you get to have a little friend and" "I can't have a friend?" "It's not a slumber party, granddad!" "I planned on Jazmine being here." "I didn't plan for anyone else." "Well, your plan sucked!" "Shoot, you think the world's gonna end and I'm gonna be trapped up in here looking at y'all sweaty-necked negroes?" "You crazy." "Uh, I'll get it." "Granddad, wait!" "Granddad, the emergency plan says we don't open the front door until we know the identity of the person outside and can confirm they don't have..." "What do you want?" "Hey, uh, Riley told me y'all had a fly little emergency setup over here, and, to be honest, a nigga was kind of wondering if he could hold it down for a little while." "What up, thugnificent?" "Granddad, can he stay with us, too?" "No!" "Why should I help him?" "Look, old nigga, this fried chicken flu is kind of scaring a nigga, man!" "*** is wiling' out and ***" "I mean, look, I don't know *** about survival!" "I'm a rapper!" "No!" "Nope." "Sorry." "That's a cold situation." "Both of y'all get friends, and I can't have a friend?" "He does have a point." "You know, I don't play favorites." "And I don't want you to think I came here empty-handed either, nigga!" "Ain't nothing thugnificent about being a freeloader!" "You smell me?" "Leonard!" "Yo." "Anybody hungry?" "I got the whole menu right here, minus the chicken, of course." "Check it out." "We got singles, doubles, bacon doubles, double bacons with a little bit of meat on it, fries, frosties, some chili cheese right here." "I wouldn't touch that, though." "I-I tasted it on the way here." "I ain't gonna lie..." "I ate all the chili cheese." "That's why I said don't taste it." "But who wants some other stuff?" "Granddad, this is not in the plan!" "Well, according to the plan, all we got to eat is cheerios and green beans." "So, once again, your plan sucks." "You got a bacon cheeseburger?" "Here you go, Mr. Freeman." "Thank you kindly." "Where my room at, nigga?" "Now, again, we don't want anyone to panic, but let's look at some of the projected casualty rates by state." "Let's start with new York..." "Projected million and a half dead." "Maryland... 300,000 dead." "Florida... a million and a half projected to push up daises." "And now certain fears that the virus may have jumped franchises and may be infecting chickens from bluto's, temple's chicken, even chick-le-fait." "Damn!" "Everybody's catching this *** man!" "That must be some good-ass chicken." "The real tragedy is that we may never, ever get to eat fried chicken again." "Robert?" "Huey?" "Anyone home?" "Say "no."" "Hey!" "Mommy and daddy!" "What do you want?" "This... is a restricted area." "Hey, uh..." "It's us." "We're just checking on Jazmine and, um, wondering if it was too late to..." "Is huey home?" "Can we just talk to huey?" "Or Robert?" "This is huey." "Huey, let us in!" "I can't." "That's not fair!" "You let everyone else in!" "The hell with them!" "They're on their own!" "We don't have enough food for two more people!" "What about what Leonard brought?" "!" "No way!" "That's for us!" "Guys, it's us..." "Tom and Sarah." "We are your neighbors and dear friends." "We've had so many hilarious adventures together." "Come on." "You're really gonna leave us out here to die?" "!" "Maybe we should let them in, 'cause Jazmine will start crying and we'll never get her to shut up." "Okay, I guess." "Step closer to the camera." "They can come in." "Really?" "!" "Thank you, huey!" "Thank you, thank you!" "But they're not allowed to eat anything." "Works for me." "Mmm-mm!" "I like when a little burger's stick in my teeth." "I can get it out and eat it, too." "Nine people." "We don't have anywhere near enough food and water." "I agree." "There's way too many darkies in this house." "Ruckus?" "Ruckus, what are you doing here?" "Oh, funniest thing happened." "I was in the attic, replacing some of that insulation, like you asked me to, Robert." "Then there was like some kind of explosion." "Then it went black, and I hit my noggin." "I just woke up like five minutes ago." "You've been here this whole time?" "!" "Yeah, but don't you worry." "Old Uncle ruckus is fine." "I'm just fine." "Oh, I noticed the president was on tv." "What was that well-dressed *** talking about?" "Get the hell out of here!" "No, please don't send me out there!" "I don't want the chicken flu!" "Lord, I'm too young to die!" "Please!" "I swear I'll never say anything about darkies again!" "No, get your fat ass out of here!" "Aah!" "Here... have a gas mask!" "Asian stocks posted their biggest single-day decline in history because of the fried chicken flu outbreak." "The government in Pakistan collapsed today as a result of the fried chicken flu pandemic." "Authorities say fried chicken flu is responsible for the tsunami that hit the coast of Vietnam this morning." "With everyone either sick or afraid of getting sick, the nation has come to a complete standstill." "Hospitals are overwhelmed, as are all basic services... power, water, cellphone, and Internet service prov... what?" "What's that?" "We're going live to yet another address from president Obama." "Good evening." "My fellow Americans, I want you to know in this time of crisis," "I am personally doing everything I can to help you." "And by "everything," I mean sitting here and talking to you in a calm, soothing voice." "And as long as you can hear my voice, everything is gonna be just fine." "Oh, no!" "Michelle's fine." "All that work, all that planning... why did I even try?" "Because you're different from everyone else." "Okay, try it." "I knew you could do it!" "Guys, wait!" "You're gonna use up all the power!" "What, boy?" "!" "You're gonna use up all the power!" "I can't hear you!" "We have too much electronic equipment running at the same time!" "Aw, I'm scared of the dark." "Damn!" "How long we got to be up in here, man?" "It's been like a week and a half!" "We ain't got no power!" "It's getting a little old, all right?" "No one's forcing you to stay here." "Oh, oh, I get it!" "You want me to leave and go outside and get the fried chicken flu!" "Is that it, nigga?" "!" "You're trying to kill a nigga, nigga?" "!" "Robert Freeman, this is the Woodcrest fried chicken flu militia." "We demand to speak with you at once." "That's right!" "We understand you are hoarding emergency supplies." "This is a serious offense in a time of crisis." "You tell them, Ms. Von hausen." "They got all types of goodies up in there." "They got green beans and cheerios and drinkable water..." "Even a device that lets you pee in a cup and drink it right back in again." "Still tastes like pee, but you get the idea." "The Woodcrest fried chicken flu militia will enforce the law until order is re-established." "We demand that you let us in to inspect your house." "Huh?" "No." "I insist, Mr. Freeman!" "Let us in at once!" "Let me try." "Get the *** on!" "Mr. Freeman, we are not leaving until you allow us in!" "That bitch must have lost her mind." "We got to do something." "What should we do?" "It's in the plan." "Did anyone read the plan?" "I did!" "Hmm..." "Homemade tear gas!" "Homemade tear gas... that's an idea!" "Uh-huh." "That's an ideal response." "That'll solve our problems." "Hey, old woman, suck on this!" "That's right... eat a old dick, old bitch!" "Fall back *** now, Riley, there's no need to be homophobic." "Eat it, you pussy punk bitches!" "The terrorists are using chemical weapons!" "Retreat!" "Yeah, that's right... run!" "Yay!" "How do you know if someone has fried chicken flu?" "Well, it normally starts with a temperature and excessive sweatiness." "After that, tremendous stomach pain  headache, loss of balance." "As mucus builds up, they'll begin to have an incredible amount of snot." "Then after that, the inevitable projectile vomit." "Aah!" "Oh, God!" "Okay, stay calm, stay calm." "Tom!" "Tom!" "Can you hear me?" "Tom, I need to know how you contracted the flu." "Did you leave the house?" "No." "I was so hungry, I..." "Leonard." "It was so delicious." "I swear, my left hand, right hand to God, I did not feed him no chicken... just some fries and some buffalo wings." "Aw, man!" "There was chicken in here all this time?" "Chicken?" "No, no, not chicken... buffalo." "You ain't just hear me say "buffalo wings"?" "You know what?" "When I tried one, I thought to myself, "this tastes like chicken," but then the fact it was a buffalo, I was like, "nah," "I don't want to say it out loud." ""Y'all gonna think I'm stupid."" "That's why I ain't get no chicken." "I just got the buffalo." "Get out of here!" "You no-good, back-stabbing nigga!" "You too, you nasty-ass hooker!" "It ain't like that!" "You mean I didn't just catch you on top of Tina?" "!" "Well..." "Yeah, you did, but I swear I thought it was cool, man." "You thought it was cool?" "!" "How is that cool?" "!" "I swear to God, man, she told me you wouldn't mind!" "I thought, you know, you was sharing with the homey!" "I mean, it ain't no fun unless your ho... nigga, you know what" "I'm talking about!" "Look, I-I thought we was tag-teaming on the ass, man, all right?" "That's disgusting!" "Get out!" "All of you, out, out!" "Please, please, please, let me stay, old nigga!" "I'm sorry I smashed your broad, all right?" "What are we gonna do?" "!" "I didn't mean to kill Tom." "I fed him 'cause I wanted him to live." "And now he not gonna live, so it's like, why did I feed him?" "But I didn't mean to kill him." "Come on, old nigga!" "We gonna die out here, man!" "Betty's militia is going to come back, and we can't defend this place by ourselves." "We have to go." "Leave the house?" "But where are we gonna go?" "Don't know." "We'll have to take our chances." "You guys go without me." "I'm only gonna slow you down." "Honey, no." "We'd never leave you." "Okay, if that's what you want." "Come on, boys." "We out of here." "Mr. Freeman!" "It's okay." "There isn't enough room for the food and me." "Take the food." "Leave me." "Okay, let's get them all." "Put the cans in there." "Come on." "Okay, there we go." "Tighten it up." "Oh, my God, Tom, you're heavy!" "Oh!" "Don't die in my trunk!" "Robert Freeman!" "You, sir, are a terrorist and a threat to public good!" "Prepare to be apprehended!" "After them!" "Get on the bus!" "Get on the bus!" "Yeah!" "Robert, slow down!" "Hah!" "Aah!" "♪ It's terrible ♪" "♪ that's where I'm from ♪" "♪ it's terrible, terrible ♪" "yeah, that's right!" "Next time, nigga!" "Ride on, old man!" "I love you, Robert!" "I'm sorry, old nigga!" "What the *** are y'all wearing?" "!" "We're here at a kernel's fried chicken outside of Woodcrest." "It now seems that fried chicken flu was actually just salmonella." "None of those millions of people projected to die have died." "In fact, it appears nobody has died." "We are being told there are still large areas without power, meaning many people are still not aware that the crisis has ended." "We're going to go now to... wait." "I'm seeing something here." "Uh, it looks like something coming right at us." "Dear God!" "Run!" "Oh, my God!" "Are we dead?" "I think I'm sitting on Tom." "I'm okay!" "Ooh!" "Can I get... can I get a two-piece and a biscuit?" "And all the fries you can give me." "♪ it's bone-suckin' good ♪" "♪ bone-suckin' good ♪" "♪ it's bone-suckin' good ♪" "♪ bone-suckin' good ♪" "♪ it's bone-suckin' good ♪" "♪ bone-suckin' good ♪" "♪ it's bone-suckin' good ♪" "♪ bone-suckin' good ♪" "♪ it's bone-suckin' good ♪" "♪ bone-suckin' good ♪" "♪ it's bone-suckin' good ♪" "♪ bone-suckin' good ♪" "♪ it's bone-suckin' good ♪" "♪ bone-suckin' good ♪" "♪ it's bone-suckin' good ♪" "♪ bone-suckin' good ♪" "♪ it's bone-suckin' good ♪" "♪ bone-suckin' good ♪" "♪ it's bone-suckin' good ♪" "♪ bone-suckin' good ♪" "♪ it's bone-suckin' good ♪" "♪ bone-suckin' good ♪" "♪ it's bone-suckin' good ♪"