"Morning." "Did you just go to the bathroom with the door open?" "Yeah." "So what?" "We're roommates." "I got to close the door every time I take a squirt?" "Who am I, Grace Kelly?" "Yes." "That's what Grace Kelly was famous for-- closing the door when she took a squirt." "Hey, we gonna work out or not?" "Mm, no, I'm too tired." "I have to cancel." "Dude!" "That's the third time you're cancelling this week!" "Your arms are looking like fingers." "You got to work out, bro." "I'm sorry." "It's my boss Jerry." "He's super-depressed because he just signed his divorce papers a couple of days ago." "Now he never wants to go home." "So guess who has to stay late and do extra work with him?" "The bald guy with the ponytail." "No." "Me." "Why do you always guess the bald guy with the ponytail?" "He intrigues me." "What's his deal?" "I don't know." "He works on the seventh floor." "The seventh floor?" "Interesting." "Anyway, until Jerry gets his life together," "I'm probably gonna be missing a lot of training sessions." "Jerry sounds like a complete mess." "And a real opportunity for yours truly." "What are you talking about?" "Send him to me" " I'll turn his life around." "For a reasonable fee, of course." "Bert, I live in two worlds-- work and home." "I do not like to blur the line between those two worlds." "For instance, one time Jerry needed a dentist, so I recommended my friend Ben." "Hey, Jerry, how'd it go with Ben?" "Uh, pretty good." "I'll probably go..." "Jerry was mad at me for two months about that recommendation." "And that guy just ruined his tooth." "If I send him to you and you ruin his life, he'll never talk to me again." "That's a chance I'm willing to take." "Well, I'm not." "Especially now." "I mean, the back page of the magazine just opened up." "Do me a favor, pretend like I own a gym, and I don't know any of the boring details of the magazine business." "The back page is the most prestigious page of the whole magazine." "It's a career springboard." "The last three guys who had it all got book deals." "Do me a favor and speed up." "Anyway... a week from now, Jerry decides who gets the back page next, so I can't afford to risk pissing him off." "And that is why I don't want to blur the line between home and work." "Life isn't always neat and tidy, Andrew." "Sometimes the rules need to be broken." "Like the bathroom door, for instance." "You can't pee with the door open." "That's what Grace Kelly's husband said." "Hey, Jerry, can I..." "What the hell is going on?" "Signed up for a 21-day man-mersion training package." "I've seen things washed up on the beach in better shape than this guy." "He has got my number." "Uh, well, thanks, Bert." "I got a meeting, but I will see you tonight." "I told you," "I don't like to blur the line between work and home." "You said you respect that." "Okay." "Calm down." "I can explain." "How?" "I lied." "All right." "If I fix him, you get your life back, and I have another success." "It's a win-win." "And what if you can't fix him, huh?" "My life could become a lot worse." "That's impossible!" "I can fix anyone." "Now, look, Jerry is going to be a cakewalk." "He's just suffering from the effects of a bad breakup." "He needs a little closure." "Well, how do we get him that?" "He needs to have a fling." "And, ironically, the closure he needs is going to come from an opening..." "Don't say it." "Can I make a drink for your boss?" "No, Mom, Jerry's just swinging by to pick us up, and then we're headed out." "Jerry is the latest client on my roster." "I'm going to observe him in man's most natural environment, a bar near the airport." "Guys' night out, is it?" "Ah." "I remember that." "Going to a strange bar." "Coming home at all hours, smelling of cigarettes, cheap liquor and even cheaper women." "Tell you what, I don't miss those days." " You can go if you want." " Yes!" "I'm getting too old to go to bars." "No!" "No!" "No!" "I can see that." "Mom, you're not old." "You say that every year around your birthday." "Oh, don't remind me." "And this year, I just want to have a quiet dinner with my family." "And no gifts." "Something wrong with your eye?" "No, "no gifts" means she wants gifts." "Uh, no, no, not this year." "Well, don't worry, you won't get one from me." "I'm kidding." "I'm totally getting her the best present ever." "Of course you are." "What does that mean?" "It means you're a one-upper." "You have to get the nicest gift." "And then you make a smug look that says," ""It's nothing really"" "And then you say, "It's nothing really"." "That's ridiculous." "A rugby jersey!" "Autographed by Piri Weepu!" "My favorite halfback!" "That's exactly what I wanted." "And I didn't even know I wanted it." "It's nothing, really." "Hey, I just want to do something nice for the woman who gave us life." "Well, I don't want to compete with you this year, so I say we spend $30 each." "No gifts!" "But $30 doesn't seem like very much." "Fine, $40." "Done." "Thank you!" "Yo." "Jerry, you look..." "You remember my family." "Yeah." "Hey." "Hi." "Is that a blouse?" "I don't make the trends;" "I just follow them." "What do you think, Janet?" "Do you think I could pull off those pants?" "Want to rephrase that?" "Get into his trousers?" "No, that's not it." "Yeah, yeah, these pants are so tight, they're giving me a headache." "Does anyone have any aspirin?" "Did someone say "aspirin"?" "Ooh." "Jerry, you remember my mom, Diane." "I do." "Hi, Diane." "Hi." "Hey, Jerry." "Oh, hey, I've got that blouse." "All right, we need Jerry here to have a meaningless fling so he could get his life back on track." "Even if it doesn't get my life back on track," "I'm still good with it." "All right, Mike, you're gonna be the icebreaker." "You're married, you got nothing to lose, so you could talk to anyone." "This is already so awesome." "We're like the band of brothers." "Only with no risk of death." "Exactly." "Get in there and talk to that seven in the blue dress." "We don't want to aim too high." "Andrew, you're the real icebreaker." "I knew it-- he's some sort of decoy, right?" "Exactly." "We call this maneuver" ""Send in the Clown"." "He goes in there with his silly accent and his childlike sense of wonder." "She'll just be dying to meet a real man." "And I'm the real man." "Of course!" "Okay, good, good." "What do I talk about?" "I have no idea what I'm supposed to talk about." "Something manly, like... the back page of your magazine and why it's so important." "You're good." "Okay." "Well, I don't want to talk too much about my job." "Just here to break the ice." "Not here to melt it." "Bert, I'm-I'm confused." "Why do I need two different icebreakers?" "Neither of those guys is the icebreaker." "There is no icebreaker." "Whoa." "The actual maneuver we're running here is called the "Parade of Idiots"." "We're gonna make you look like a knight in shining... whatever the hell that shirt's made out of." "And that's how the back page came to be known as the most prestigious page of the magazine." "I mean, historically, it's always been a springboard." "How do I know when it's the right time to approach her?" "Well, see her looking around for an escape route?" "It's time." "All right." "And remember, act like she wants to be with you more than you want to be with her." "You actually told her that she wants to be with you more than you want to be with her?" "Not on purpose." "I'm saying it quietly to myself, you know, kind of like a mantra." "She overheard." "All right, let's go to another bar, start over again." "Nah, forget it." "I'm clearly not meant to be happy." "I'm just gonna go buy a pair of scissors and cut myself out of these pants." "Jerry, come on." "You said you can fix him." "You broke him more." "Now guess who has to pay?" "The bald ponytail guy?" "Hey..." "Andrew!" "Jerry." "What are you doing at my mom's?" "Oh, my God!" "I can't believe this." "Oh, Andrew, don't freak out." "Look, the only thing that happened here is your mother and I shared a night of intimacy." "Please." "The robe is bad enough." "Talking makes it worse." "Hey, Jerry, have you seen my..." "Oh!" "Oh, calm down." "Oh, a penis!" "Oh." "Ugh!" "Oh, hi, dear." "I know this is a little awkward." "You think?" "Just... tell me how... this happened." "Well, you know, I was feeling pretty badly after our night on the town last week." "And then Bert said he knew where" "I could find the..." "cure for what ails me." "Now, I would take two aspirin and a bicarbonate." "Oh, thank you." "You are so sweet." "You guys are adorable." "You know, I have an idea how you two can burn some calories together." "So Bert just suggests that, and you two run off and have sex?" "Sex?" "Oh, gosh, no!" "Maybe you two should get out of those sweaty clothes." "Oh, God!" "I don't want to hear about that." "What?" "That he sold us new sweat suits?" "And then Jerry took me to dinner." "Then we went out for a cup of coffee." "Mm-hmm." "Not so bad." "Yeah, came back here and, fast-forward, I'm in the robe." "Uh, Jerry, may I please have a moment with my mother?" "Of course." "Aah!" "Learn how to tie a knot!" "Mom, I don't think I need to tell you how big a mistake this is, but I will, in case you don't know." "This is a huge mistake." "Okay?" "You need to stop seeing him." "But Jerry seems very sweet." "I know." "But he's a train wreck." "His divorce was just finalized." "H-He's just looking for a rebound." "He is not stable." "He can't even tie a robe!" "He can tie a robe." "It's just his tummy makes it come loose." "Don't be mad at Jerry." "I can't get mad at Jerry-- he is my boss." "That's the other problem." "This is going to make things really weird for me at work." "Well, don't be mad at me." "I'm not." "It's not your fault, either." "Well, whose fault is it?" "Bert!" "Whoa, whoa, what's going on?" "You know how I don't like when the lines get blurred?" "Yeah." "Well, the lines just had sex!" "Okay, okay." "Calm down." "You're not making any sense." "Jerry had sex with my mom in her townhouse." "I don't know that expression." "Gross!" "I meant her apartment." "Oh, God." "This is a disaster for me." "For you?" "That sounds a little selfish." "I am not being selfish." "I am just worried about how this is gonna affect me and my life." "You don't have to." "Your problem's solved." "Jerry's got a girlfriend, so he's not gonna be keeping you late at work." "Jerry is my boss." "Now every time I look at him," "I'm gonna picture him going into my mom's townhouse." "It really sounds like an expression." "Andrew?" "We need to talk." "Do we?" "Can't we just pretend" "I didn't catch you at my mom's house in her robe, which I wish were longer?" "Look, I know the thought of me spending the night with your mom" "Please stop." "may be awkward but I would like to discuss the benefits of nepotism." "Go on." "You and I both know you deserve that back page." "You are clearly the best writer for the job." "Thank you." "I am, aren't I?" "Absolutely." "That's why I am going to give it to you." "Jerry, this is amazing." "Thank you." "Oh, I am happy to do it, 'cause in a way, by giving it to you," "I'm also giving it to your mother." "What the hell?" "You're not having a nightmare." "It's me, Mike." "My mom wanted him to pick up 58 balloons for her birthday." "Unfortunately, they didn't all make it." "Thanks to old spiky tree outside your building." "Just so you know," "I set your mom up with Jerry." "Oh, they make a cute couple." "Andrew's gonna be pissed." "Why are you smiling?" "'Cause he's gonna be pissed." "He hates when his lines get blurred." "Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba" "Oh!" "Ba-da-ba-ba-ba-ba-da!" "Hey!" "Ready to go?" "Why are you so happy?" "Yeah, I heard Jerry's having sex with your mum." "Well, I realize that maybe Bert was right." "You know, sometimes I need to blur the lines." "You know, and it-- hey, if it makes them happy, what's the harm?" "So all of a sudden, you decided not to be selfish?" "Uh, I'm not selfish because I'm a gentleman." "I do for others." "Now, come on, let's go." "We got mom's birthday." "Oh." "What is that?" "It's my gift." "Are you kidding me?" "That's your gift?" "We only had $40 to spend." "And I only spent $40 on supplies... to make it." "I knew you couldn't bear not to give the best gift." "You are selfish." "Giving a gift is the opposite of selfish." "I only care about mom's happiness." "If you only care about mom's happiness, let me give her the gift you got, and you give her the gift I got." "Fine." "What did you get her?" "That's the card?" "That's the gift." "Damn it!" "Okay." "Hey!" "Happy... ninth birthday!" "This is from me." "Oh, I said no presents." "Does anyone listen to me?" "I did." "Hi, Andrew." "Hey!" "Where's yours?" "Is it in the car?" "No, it's, um... right here." "Oh, wow, that's interesting." "Okay, everybody, make yourselves at home." "Andrew?" "Andrew, um, I've been thinking about what you said, and I think I'm gonna stop seeing Jerry." "What?" "No!" "What-what would I say that would make you think that?" "You said, "I think you should stop seeing Jerry."" "That doesn't sound like me." "I could do it in a higher voice." "No, I meant why would you stop seeing him?" "I thought you liked him." "I do, honey, but I-I thought about what you said, how he's just coming off a rebound, he's unstable, and plus, I don't want you to be unhappy." "Oh, no!" "What makes me happy is you being happy." "I think what would make you happy is-is stick it out with Jerry for another week." "Why a week?" "It just feels like the right amount of time." "Jerry deserves that." "You deserve that." "So what do you say, are we on the same back page?" "What?" "The same page?" "I've got some quality intel for you." "What's going on?" "I just saw Diane tell Andrew that she's breaking up with Jerry!" "Are you sure?" "I'm positive." "I was a scout in the New Zealand Army." "We studied lip-reading." "Wow." "He just said "wow."" "He said that out loud." "I know, but I wasn't listening." "I got to get him to break up with her first." "Why?" "Because if she dumps Jerry, he'll be worse off than he was when we started, and then he'll take it out on Andrew, and that'll be terrible for me." "Who?" "For him." "That'll be... terrible for him." "I said that." "Hi." "Sorry I'm late." "We got to talk." "You need to break up with Diane." "What's he saying?" "Apparently, there's some sort of a shakeup in Siam." "Why would I break up with her?" "Because she's abusive." "Oh, hi, honey, thanks for coming." "Mm!" "Oh..." "Get out while you can, dude." "Everybody, come on." "Let's sit at the table." "Well, I would like to propose a toast." "To Jerry and Diane." "Sometimes you just know." "Oh." "Oh." "Diane, isn't that your third glass of wine?" "Nope, my first." "Can't even count to three." "Jerry, I am just noticing, you have beautiful eyes." "Well, thank you, Andrew." "You should have seen them before an ugly divorce drained the life out of them." "Okay." "Well, speaking of eyes, thanks to you, my mom has a bit of a sparkle in hers now." "Could be a cataract." "At your age, it makes sense." "Okay, I do not have a cataract." "I have excellent vision." "Yes, you do." "Good enough to see that Jerry here is a great catch." "You know, another toast." "To Mom and Jerry." "You guys, go ahead, kiss." "Don't kiss her." "Why do you get to tell him what to do?" "Because I'm his trainer, and I say he doesn't kiss her." "Shouldn't I have some say in this?" "Jerry, please, not now." "Mom, would you please kiss this man?" "Don't do it;" "it's a trap." "It's not a trap." "May I talk to you for one second, please?" "What is wrong with you?" "Why are you saying all those bad things about my mom?" "I need Jerry to break up with her before she breaks up with him, because I care about my client." "Or?" "Because I've grown attached to Jerry." "Or?" "Because if I can't fix him, you'd be right." "Aha!" "So you put your needs over the needs of your clients." "That is called being selfish." "Yeah?" "Look who's talking." "How come all of a sudden you're so into your mom being with Jerry?" "Because I've learned to live with blurred lines." "Or?" "Because I want my mom to be happy." "Or?" "'Cause it'll help me get the back page!" "See?" "I knew it." "So you are selfish." "You're right." "I'm a monster." "Hey, don't worry, I'll fix ya, dude." "I can fix anyone." "Well, except for Jerry." "Actually, maybe you don't need to." "I'd like to make another toast." "No!" "So your mum's dating your boss-- get over it!" "Actually, I'd like to say something." "Andrew, I know that this has been hard on you, and I'm not quite sure why you want to watch me kiss your boss." "But..." "I like Jerry." "He's fun, he makes me feel young, and I don't want to stop seeing him." "You were gonna stop seeing me?" "Well, Andrew wanted me to." "Uh, I-I did, but-but I don't." "Well, I kind of do." "But what I-I really want is my mom to be happy, and, Jerry, if you make her happy, then you have my blessing." "And I also really want that back page, but only if I deserve it." "Well... if I'm being honest," "I'm probably gonna give it to Eric." "What?" "Who the hell is Eric?" "Bald guy with the ponytail." "Can I ask... what's the deal with that guy?" "You're sure you want to switch gifts?" "I mean, you obviously put a lot of thought into whatever's in this... dirty envelope." "Not really." "We just grabbed whatever was in the glove box." "I don't even know what's in there." "Yay!" "Presents!" "How about I'm gonna start with Janet so I can work my way up to Andrew's." "Well, technically, you already opened my present last night." "Oh!" "Oh, God!" "Well, no, he gave me this necklace." "Ooh." "Oh." "That's not bad." "Okay, open mine." "What do we have?" "Oh, my God!" "Oh, look, it's a picture of me made of tiny photographs of the family." "Whoa!" "Holy cow!" "It's the perfect gift." "Thanks." "Okay, open Andrew's." "I bet it's gonna be awesome." "Always is." "Yay." "It's... four ten-dollar gift cards." "Wow!" "Wow!" "What the hell is this?" "Ten dollars off the admission to the New Zealand Museum of Transport Technology?" "That's where that card got to!" "Yes, that'll be expired." "I see..." "I see what's going on." "Okay, did you switch gifts with Janet?" "Uh, well, I..." "So that she could have all the glory?" "That is... that's the greatest gift a mother can get." "It's nothing... really."