"I want your show on my network." "What, us come to LA?" "Let's talk about casting." "Well, we already have Julian committed to recreate the role of Lyman." "We got Matt LeBlanc!" "Yeah!" "You want me for the old fat guy's part?" "Thanks!" "WE don't want you." "Again, thanks!" "Matt's been telling me about the changes for his character." "I love that he's a coach." "We can call it Pucks!" "Did I mention I hate this show?" "I believe it's come up." "You're much more attractive than she is." "You are." "She's all plastic." "Those boobs..." "Yuk." "You are a brilliant, brilliant writer." "You know what this is about!" "Morning?" "Oh, my God!" "Look, I have no interest in her at all!" "Bev, stop!" "You're on the wrong side!" "No, Sean, YOU'RE on the wrong side!" "That's not what I meant!" "Did you shag my wife?" "She totally started it, OK." "She was driving on the wrong side of the street." "So you fucked her?" "!" "The thought that I was with him physically disgusts me." "I'm actually nauseated, it makes me want to vomit." "All right!" "Not to get too melodramatic, but I think... you've broken my heart." "'We're a hit!" "'" "What?" "The test audiences loved Pucks!" "What are you saying?" "I'm saying unpack those bloody bags, you've got some telly to make!" "Woo hoo!" "C'mon, what's going on?" "Nothing, I'm fine." "Hey, listen, I'm not just your coach, I'm also your friend." "His dads are getting separated." "The gay dads?" "Right!" "Not his two straight dads." "OK..." "One of my dads had an affair with a woman and now he's saying he's bi." "But my other dad says it's just a mid-life crisis." "Oh, and the woman he had the affair with is the surrogate whose egg they used to make... me." "Thoughts, Coach?" "Cut!" "Nice work today, everyone." "Check the gate." "Not bad." "I think that worked." "The new boys are pretty good." "Hmm..." "What?" "The one with the hair." "Stoke." "Stoke!" "What kind of a parent names their child Stoke?" "I know." "It's like saying you'd better be attractive, or it's all going to be ironic from here on in." "Well, as an actor, he's lucky he's cute." "Wait." "Go like this..." "God, you've got a lot of teeth." "Right there." "What?" "You've got a thing." "Hmm, poppy seed." "Must be from my bagel this morning." "So that's been there all day, why didn't you tell me?" "!" "I just told you." "Yeah, now, after everyone's already seen it!" "OK, put it back!" "Night." "Night." "Good job today." "Thank you." "Yeah, nice work." "Nice underpants." "Thanks." "Hey, do you guys ever drink coffee?" "Cos this company sent me, like, a dozen free coffee makers." "Why?" "I don't know." "Who cares?" "They're free, you want one?" "Oh, I'm all right." "No thanks." "Thank you." "So today went well?" "Absolutely." "You guys are happy?" "Very." "Night." "Night." "I'll take a coffee maker." "Did I ask you?" "What are you thinking about for tonight?" "I thought I'd have another go at that third scene." "Well, if you want to run it by me, I'll be home." "Flossing." "Right, well, have a nice night." "You too." "See you tomorrow." "Hey!" "You all right?" "I'm great." "Don't look great." "Merc and I went ring shopping." "Oh my God!" "For his wife." "He took you ring shopping for his wife?" "!" "Mm-hm." "That sounds cruel, even for him." "It's their anniversary, and he knows he has terrible taste, so he wanted me along to help him buy something pretty." "Oh, honey..." "He's so good to her." "Well..." "I found this really gorgeous ring." "And all the time I'm thinking, "The woman is blind!" ""Buy ME a fucking ring and give her one of her old ones!" ""How will she know?" "!"" "And then I feel guilty for thinking that, like," ""Oh, I am this terrible person."" "Really?" "We're gonna pull at THAT thread?" "Sorry." "No, I'M sorry." "Tonight's supposed to be about you." "OK, OK." "I'm here now." "I'm great!" "Let's celebrate." "Here is to Pucks!" "Big premiere tomorrow night." "Woo-hoo." "Woo-hoo." "I've got to read a script later." "Want to make it hilarious?" "Ooh, what's this?" "It's for Sean..." "And now you're thinking everyone's getting presents but you." "I didn't say it out loud." "It's his birthday." "Our first one apart." "So, that'll be fun!" "Aah." "What d'you get him?" "A watch." "It's a vintage Breitling he's always wanted." "So he'll love that." "Or, he'll think it's way over the top and I'll come off as desperate and needy." "Or that." "I hate this." "This is my husband!" "Now it's like he's some boy who may or may not still like me." "Oh, fuck it!" "Speaking from my own relationships, a little "needy" isn't always a bad thing." "Really?" "I mean even though you might come off as kind of pathetic, on a deeper level, by being able to judge you, it allows him to feel empowered, and a lot of men need that." "So, it makes them love you more." "So basically, if I'm ever feeling like the craziest person on the planet," "I should just have dinner with you." "That's what I'm here for." "We're not even on the air yet and they're fucking killing us!" "There's not one good one." "So stop reading them." "Jesus!" "What?" "The New York Post..." ""Pucks!" "Sucks!"" "Well, we just handed him that one." "What, that's the headline?" ""Pucks!" "Sucks!"?" "Right." "Then he goes on to say we're not clever." "Please." "Stop." "Do not do this to yourself." "Entertainment Weekly - "LeBlanc shoots a Le Blank."" "Well, at least someone gave it some thought." ""It's hard to imagine how this show lasted four seasons in the UK."" "Because it wasn't this show, arsehole!" "Did you want me?" "What?" "No." "OK." "Oh wait, wait, here we go." "Huffington Post." ""I was totally prepared to hate tonight's new comedy Pucks!" ""Well the good news is, I was prepared."" "Oh." "Why do they hate us?" "Because they're idiots!" "No!" "So much rage." "Why?" "It's just a little TV show." "It's not like we're punching Elmo, it's just a show!" "Thank you!" "It's light, it's funny." "Absolutely." "I mean, it's not brilliant..." "No." "But is it "an exhausting rehash of '90s sitcom cliches" ""with Matt LeBlanc digging into his old bag of tricks and coming up short"?" "Hmmm." "Why d'you have to read that one?" "It's like they can see into our souls." "I know." "Maybe we are "an uninspired placeholder until something actually funny comes along."" "You've started memorising them?" "Only the really, really bad ones." "Why did we do this?" "Why didn't we just stay at home?" "Right." "Well, we should get to the writers' room." "Absolutely." "Let's do it." "Probably best not telling anyone else about the reviews." "Right, because we're the only ones with the magic box." "Oooh!" "I see this guy's got you working the concessions stand." "She's great." "Just don't ask her to make change." "Here you go." "Thanks." "Hi, kids." "Big night." "Very exciting!" "Hello, you!" "Popcorn?" "Absolutely." "Butter?" "Sure." "Here you go." "Yum." "So, I saw your name in the paper today." "For that big "save the bees" thing?" "Oh, it's so important." "In the last five years the worldwide honeybee population has just been decimated." "And people don't realise how essential they are for pollinating our fruits and vegetables." "And now 50 per cent of the hives are gone." "It's called "colony collapse disorder." Stop it!" "Well, hopefully we can." "Yes." "Hey!" "Our star has arrived." "Hello Matt." "Popcorn?" "Sure." "And by the way, thanks so much, you guys, for doing this." "Very cool." "Are you kidding?" "How could I not?" "Come on, Matt LeBlanc's first show since Friends?" "OK..." "Hey, come and see my new set-up." "Just so you know, this is huge." "He's never screened a show at his house before." "That's how much he believes in this." "Maybe we should all..." "lower our expectations a bit." "I mean, have you read the reviews?" "Oh, please!" "No one cares about TV reviews." "They hated most of the crap we've got on the air and people still watch it." "Oh to be that crap." "Curtain going up." "Grab a seat." "'Sometimes you score and sometimes life just Pucks!" "'Matt LeBlanc returns in the hilarious premiere of Pucks!" "Next.'" "I need a book." "Er, can you be less specific?" "!" "I don't know, I'm looking for something with pages..." "OK, fine, I don't need a book." "'Hey, I read books.'" "'You do realise that the swimsuit issue of a sports magazine doesn't count as a book?" "'" "'Oh, so now you get to decide what's a book?" "'Anyway, I've called you.'" "I know." "I left you three messages.'" "'Four.'" "'Really?" "Four?" "'" "'Yeah, and I didn't call you back four times." "We're even.'" "'You're so mean.'" "It's Matt." "'No, just trying to be clear.'" "I know." "'I'm not going out with a guy who's life centres around a hockey puck.' Hmm!" "Well, maybe if you spent a little time with me, you'd see there's more to me than just my puck." "'Come on, go out with me once, I promise, my puck won't even come up.'" "'Really?" "Because it seems like it's probably a puck that comes up a lot.'" "'I'm telling you there's more to me than just my puck.'" "And yet, at the end of the day, I think your puck is pretty much what you're all about." "You do realise that if I die right now, this is the last conversation I'll ever hear." "Ha ha!" "Oh yeah!" "How great was that?" "Really great!" "Seriously, I'm ready to watch it again!" "Have I mentioned how much I love this show?" "Yeah!" "Everybody, there's coffee and dessert upstairs." "Oh great, that sounds good." "Oh, you've got some butter on your pants." "What?" "Oh shit!" "Yup, that's butter." "Where's bread when you need it?" "OK." "OK." "Hey." "Hey, hey." "Listen, I know you're still pissed at me and everything, but you will not believe what just happened." "I'm not still pissed." "No?" "No." "Cos that implies there'll come a time when I'm not pissed." "I will ALWAYS be pissed." "With you, I am in a constant state of pissed." "Yeah, yeah, OK, but..." "No." "No but." "But..." "No!" "No but." "Whatever you've got to say," "I don't want to hear it." "I'm not your friend." "You want to talk about the show, fine." "But anything beyond work..." "Anything..." "Well, this is kind of work-related." "Is it?" "I was watching the show when it happened?" "Ahh!" "We totally did it." "Unbelievable." "Unbelievable." "It's, like, beyond what I ever..." "Hey, there she is!" "Woo-hoo!" "Are you all right?" "I'm fine." "That'll teach me to walk into a room!" "Sorry, everyone's just very excited about the ratings." "Really?" "We did well?" "We got a 5.6 with a 13 share and a 3.8 in the 18-33 demo." "Wow!" "I have no idea what this boy just said." "They're good." "Are you serious?" "Really good." "Yeah." "Take that, Myron Blum of the Boston Herald, with your, "I don't know who this show is for."" "It's for everyone but you, cockface!" "I thought you said you didn't read them." "So, congratulations, everyone." "Yeah, nicely done." "Hey." "How about that?" "Mm-hm." "Does this mean they'll let us go home early?" "Who's "they"?" "We're "they"." "So...?" "No." "OK, people, back to work." "Thank you." "Right." "I'll see you later." "Jesus!" "Number one new show of the night." "This is going to kill Schwimmer." "5.6 with a 13 share!" "And a 3.8 in the demo!" "Say it again!" "3.8." "Oooh!" "98% retention." "Oh!" "Yes!" "Hi." "Is he in?" "I know." "I mean..." "It's insane." "You realise more people saw our show last night than probably every episode of Lyman's Boys put together?" "Seriously?" "Yeah." "You've got to say this about Americans - there's a lot of them." "What are you doing?" "I marked one two days ago." "I just want to see how long it sits here." "So, disappointed?" "At what?" "I can't imagine a big hit was what you were wishing for." "It's not true." "Right!" "It's not." "It's still here!" "You're telling me there wasn't a part of you hoping this whole thing would bomb and we could go home?" "How wrong you are." "Look, you have made it very clear that when we get home we're finished, we're nothing." "Right now, at least we have this." "Why would I wish for that to go away?" "Rehearsal's up!" "Hey." "Can I ask you something?" "Er, could you give us a sec?" "What's up?" "In this scene, I know the guys are lying to me, right?" "Right." "But you don't want to give too much away so you can surprise them later." "That's what I thought." "Oh, and um, also," "Jamie Lapidus gave me a hand-job during the show last night." "I had to tell you." "Oh, yeah, who better to share the news with you had sex with someone else's wife?" "!" "Well, first of all, just a hand-job." "With her husband three seats away!" "I know!" "My God, you're proud of this?" "!" "No." "But I gotta say, getting jerked-off while you're watching yourself on TV?" "Actors work their whole lives for that." "Who else knows about this?" "Nobody." "Good." "Keep it that way." "The last thing our little show needs is for Merc Lapidus to find out that you are fucking his wife." "Again, not fucking." "I'm not sure he'll appreciate the bloody distinction!" "What's the matter with you?" "That woman is married to your boss!" "And while we're on the subject, what is it with you and other people's wives?" "!" "It's pathological!" "Are there no other women in the world who aren't the spouses of people you know?" "!" "It..." "What?" "I've missed this." "Mm, this one better than this one." "Hey." "You know that cool Prada jacket that you said my character would never wear?" "Mm-hm." "I figured out where it would work." "Where?" "My house." "Annie, could you grab that for me?" "OK." "Well, good, because who's more deserving of free clothes than you?" "You can take stuff." "What do you want?" "Or I could go to a shop, like a normal person." "Yeah, someone who turns down free shit" " NOT a normal person." "So, listen, this thing with Sean being pissed off." "Yeah?" "How long do you think that's going to last?" "It's just weird not being able to talk to him about stuff." "Yes, this must be very hard for you!" "It is." "Ah, that's great, thanks." "Er..." "There was a hat?" "Sure." "Look, I'm not saying he doesn't have a right to be mad, I get it, but at what point is it, like, "All right, already"?" ""All right, already"?" "!" "You know what I mean." "He swears he'll never get over it, but I just..." "I have to believe it's not true." "I just, I have to." "Yeah." "I hear you." "I certainly can't blame him." "When I look back at what I did, it's like I'm looking at this whole other person doing these inexplicable things with the absolutely last person on God's Earth" "I'd ever want to do them with." "You're welcome." "And now here we are, and I may have lost the only thing I ever actually cared about." "Well, if there's anything I can do..." "You could stop wearing that fucking cologne!" "How we doing on the hat?" "Hey, did you guys see this?" "Our ratings went up in the nationals." "Wow!" "Do you have any idea what you're looking at?" "No." "I can't believe I came THIS close to not taking this show." "Really?" "Yeah." "I got two offers this year." "This one, and they wanted me for the kid in that talking dog show." "There's a talking dog show?" "Over at ABC." "It starts next week." "Actually it's opposite us." "Any good?" "Dude, it's a talking dog show." "Yeah, dude!" "So, like, I wasn't sure which one to pick." "My wife was really pushing me to take the other one." "Er, your wife?" "Well, not officially, yet." "Have to wait till my divorce comes through." "This would be your second marriage?" "Technically." "I don't even count the first one." "It was just a big fucking mess." "We got married really young." "I assume as embryos." "I'm 27." "You're not!" "Kevin's 29." "Stoke's going to be 31." "Very strange high school we're running!" "Hey, the kids on Glee are, like, in their fifties." "Excuse me." "Are we close to shooting?" "Yeah, but they need you guys over in the locker room set." "Oh, I've got to walk." "It's awful!" "♪ Happy birthday to you" "♪ Happy birthday to you" "♪ Happy birthday, dear Sean" "♪ Happy birthday to you. ♪" "Did you do this?" "Actually, no." "It's from Matt." "OK." "Congrats." "Thank you." "Happy birthday." "Oh wow!" "Ah." "Congratulations." "Hey!" "Hey, birthday boy." "All right, man." "Nice one." "Right, come on." "Dig in." "Ho-ho!" "'Sean and Beverly's office.'" "Carol Rance on two!" "Thank you." "Hi, Carol. 'Hold for Carol, please.'" "Wendy, could you come here, please?" "Yeah." "Would it be possible, when the person's not actually on the line, you could alert me to that fact so that I don't..." "'Hi, you!" "' There she is." "Hi, Carol." "What's up?" "'I'm taking you out for Sean's birthday.'" "You should not be alone." "Aw, that's sweet." "Merc cancel again?" "He forgot he had a thing at his kid's school." "'Sometimes I wonder why I even shave my legs." "'So, how did Sean like the watch?" "'" "I didn't want to put him on the spot when I gave it to him, so I had a PA put it in his car." "Yeah, so what?" "!" "Hey!" "Hey, look at you." "Very impressive." "Please." "I had two pieces of your fucking birthday cake!" "I need to run to, like, Cleveland." "Say what you want about bulimia..." "Please, don't finish that sentence." "I promise, once we're sure we're not getting cancelled," "I'll start packing on the pounds." "Till then..." "We're doing a little better than not getting cancelled." "You saw those numbers today." "No, I know." "Still." "What?" "The ratings were..." "No, they were great, but that's just people sampling it." "Let's wait till next week and see." "Well, you're a big ball of positivity." "Hey, I once did this Fox show about these three girls living together." "I was the one with the smaller tits." "Interesting concept." "Yeah." "We had the highest number of any new series premiering that season." "Week two, not so much." "Week three, ooh." "They kept dropping and dropping." "They pulled the plug after six." "Wow!" "Now I won't even decorate my dressing room until we're picked up for the back nine." "Just because you start out strong doesn't mean that..." "What?" "What are you doing?" "I'm just saying." "It's my birthday." "Oh, shit!" "I am an asshole!" "It's all good." "The ratings will NEVER come down!" "I thought you were a better actress than that." "Obviously you haven't read my reviews for this show." "So what are you doing for the birthday?" "Oh, birthdays are no big deal." "So nothing?" "I'm fine, I've got some scripts to look over and..." "Fuck that!" "We're going to celebrate." "Well, I appreciate it, but I really..." "And that was...?" "Birthday present?" "Well, as gifts go, it was very thoughtful." "It also comes in large." "I don't know why I feel obliged to ask this, but your boyfriend...?" "What boyfriend?" "You told me you had a boyfriend." "Oh." "Maybe I am a good actress." "Here is to Pucks!" "' big premiere tomorrow night." "Woo-hoo!" "Woo." "He's never screened a show at his house before." "That's how much he believes in this." "I'm not going out with a guy whose life centres round a hockey puck." "It's Matt." "I know." "Hmm." "Jamie Lapidus gave me a hand job during the show last night." "I had to tell you." "That woman is married to your boss!" "Are there no other women who aren't the spouses of people you know?" "It's... what?" "I've missed this." "What are you doing for the birthday?" "Oh, birthdays are no big deal." "Fuck that!" "We're going to celebrate." "Well, I appreciate it, but I really..." "You're leaving?" "Ssh, go back to sleep." "You're welcome to stay." "Thanks, I'm good." "I should get up with you." "No, no, it's fine." "Close your eyes." "Would you like some juice?" "No, thank you, really." "You sure?" "I'm sure, no juice." "If you're hungry, I think there's some cheese." "It's OK." "Am I getting annoying?" "Little bit." "I sensed it." "Should we talk about what happened?" "OK." "OK." "I had fun." "Me too." "That's it?" "Pretty much." "OK." "OK, see you tomorrow." "Right, bye." "Good morning." "Good morning." "Pah-pah-pah!" "Hello all." "Morning." "Hey." "How you doing?" "Oh, the last breakfast burrito!" "Anyone mind?" "You go for it, man." "I believe I will." "You're in a good mood." "Have... have any of you ever had... an experience that... you'd fantasized about, but that you never believed in reality could ever happen?" "And then, amazingly, that experience actually occurs." "And remarkably, it's almost exactly what you'd expected it would be." "But then, you discover that the experience meant absolutely nothing." "Nothing." "Which you'd assume would somehow diminish the experience, but instead, the fact that it meant nothing makes it even better." "Do you know what I mean?" "You got laid?" "Cool." "Morning!" "Where?" "What?" "What?" "What?" "Last one." "Hello?" "Hey." "Look out your window." "What?" "Just look out your window." "Why?" "You'll see." "Just do it." "OK." "I'm looking." "You like?" "Not really my type." "Bullshit!" "You don't think that's hot?" "Are you drunk?" "What window are you looking out?" "The window that looks out." "Wait, don't you face the front?" "No." "Seriously?" "How do you not have a view?" "It's not like the front faces the Parthenon and I've got... why are you calling?" "Just come outside." "Huh?" "What's this?" "I believe it's for you." "So, like no sports at all?" "You're giving me a car?" "I believe I am." "You're GIVING me a car?" "Yup." "Why?" "Because I like you." "You're insane!" "People don't give other people cars." "No one does that." "Which makes you VERY special." "Right, well, thank you, no." "I'm afraid my goodwill can't be bought this easily." "Oh, come on." "You want to keep driving that piece of shit rental, when you could be in..." "aaaah-aaah-aaah?" "!" "You actually think you can just undo everything with this?" ""Hi, here's a car." "Now forget I screwed your wife."" "No, no!" "I'm not saying forget what happened." "I'm just saying look at this." "Aaah-aaah-aaah-aaah-aaah!" "Aah-aah!" "Stop it!" "I can't." "It does it automatically in under 24.8 seconds." "Come on, you gotta take this car." "I do not!" "It's a chick magnet." "I don't want a "chick magnet"!" "And who stills says "chick magnet"?" "Really?" "No one says "chick magnet"?" "No." "I think we're still saying it over here." "Well, then, you should all stop." "OK, look, you have your integrity, I respect that." "You know what else I respect?" "A 3.7 litre V6 with traction control and an electronic stability programme." "Manual or automatic?" "Seven speed automatic." "It does 0-60 in, like, six seconds." "Also, check out the sound system." "13 speakers, including two in the head rest." "Ha!" "Well, I don't care." "No, I'm sorry." "You can keep your bloody car!" "You destroyed my marriage!" "You betrayed our friendship, violated my trust!" "You do NOT get to come back from that!" "YOU-DO-NOT!" "Is it cos it's white?" "I wanted black, but it was like a six-week wait!" "What is THAT doing here?" "!" "I wanted you to see it in the daylight." "Well, I've seen it, now could you please move it?" "You're in my space." "This is your space, this must be your car." "THIS is my car, and I'd like to get it into my space." "Be so much easier if THIS was your car, cos it's already IN your space." "OK, I realise you're enjoying this verbal jousting..." "Morning!" "Are you fucking kidding me?" "!" "What? "What?" "!" You!" "In that car!" "I know!" "It's so not me!" "Aah, yours is white." "Lovely!" "Well, if you'd like, you can have that one too." "What?" "That's not my car." "Not yet." "Not ever." "We'll see." "We will not see." "I can't believe you let him give you a car!" "He told me he was giving you one too." "I didn't take it!" "No?" "The man destroyed our lives!" "I know... but at least we're getting cars out of it." "You know, a little revenge." "Screw him, I'll take your bloody car!" "She's right, screw me, take the car!" "It's not revenge if he's giving them to us!" "He still has to pay for them." "Money means nothing to him!" "Well, that's a bit of an exaggeration." "The man has his own jet!" "I'm very comfortable." "Fine." "I'll give it back." "Too late." "Paperwork's already processed." "What does that mean?" "I don't know." "I'm just saying, you're the car person, you're only hurting yourself." "So you're really going to keep it?" "I'm sorry." "It's so cute!" "Unbelievable." "Remember when you had principles?" "Is it cos it's white?" "No!" "Morning." "Hi." "Is it OK if I leave a little early?" "I have an audition." "Er..." "I suppose." "It's for a movie." "Ah." ""Oh, God." "It ate Paul."" "What?" "That's the whole part." ""Oh, God." "It ate Paul." That one line." "Well, it sounds like a good one." "Not for Paul." "Oh, have we got last night's ratings?" "Maybe." "Maybe?" "I put something on your desk." "Ah." "Yep, those were the ratings!" "What were the ratings?" "Nothing." "Am I totally confused, or are these ratings not good?" "No, you're not confused at all." "Well, at least I'm learning how to read them." "Should we be concerned?" "Carol Rance on two." "Apparently, yes." "Hi, Carol." "Hold for Carol, please." "Hi, Carol." "Listen, I'm sure you've seen the numbers." "I'm just calling to say not to worry." "Really?" "Absolutely." "We always expected them to go down in week two." "It happens every time." "Sophomore slump." "We're not bothered by it, so don't you be." "'Just seems like it's a precipitous drop.' You think?" "!" "Hey, you never like to see them go in that direction, but it's completely normal." "Viewers sample a show, you lose a few, it finds its level." "Don't let it get to you." "You guys just keep doing what you're doing." "Keep making with the funny." "We're all good." "All right." "We are so fucked!" "I know." "What are we going to do?" "I don't know." "Do we pull it?" "And replace it with what?" "I can actually feel the acid eating my stomach." "And by the way, I spoke to research, it's not just that people don't like Pucks!" "The dog show is killing us." "That fucking talking dog!" "We had that cock-sucking dog!" "How did we let it go?" "!" "You said, "If anyone wants to pay for that piece of shit," ""let them have it."" "I said that?" "Oh." "Sounds like me." "Wait." "One more piece of good news." "Oh, come on!" "Andy Button is suing you and the network for wrongful termination." "Who's Andy Button?" "Andy Button, your head of casting for five years?" "His last name was Button?" "Button." "And he's suing us, why?" "He's claiming you fired him because of his sexual orientation." "I fired him cos he's an idiot." "But, I gotta say, Button... that IS really gay." "If you remember, you fired him because he was the one who liked the talking dog." "Again with the fucking dog?" "!" "Fine!" "Legal wants to sit down with you next week." "My ball hurts." "Maybe cos you're always touching it." "When you've only got one, you make sure it's still there." "So, this thing with Andy..." ""Button?"" "Right." "Maybe I can talk to him and make it go away." "Can you?" "I'll give it a shot." "Was it always Button?" "Yes." "Button." "Button!" "OK..." "What?" "Is that a tan?" "Is it?" "That bloody convertible!" "You could be this colour too." "Thank you, no." "I choose to wear my ashen pallor as a badge of honour." "Hello?" "Hey!" "I just wanted to let you guys know" "I can't be at the table read today, but Myra's covering." "So you're in good hands." "Myra!" "?" "Isn't there anyone..." "Gotta go." "Talk to you later." "Hey, you!" "Skinny!" "Please!" "I've been living on buttercream frosting and tears." "Shut up!" "You look great!" "Sir?" "My lawyer told me not to have this lunch." "Screw him." "I'm glad you did." "I miss you." "I should warn you, I'm ordering everything expensive on this menu and taking most of it home." "Go for it." "And I'm not dropping the suit." "OK." "So much for chit-chat." "Can I ask, do you really think he fired you because you're gay?" "I'll just say this, one person was fired that day and that one person remembers what everyone in the room was wearing." "And your lawyer thinks that's enough to build a case on?" "I have a record of four instances where Merc called me a cocksucker in front of witnesses." "That's just Merc!" "Come on!" "He calls everyone a cocksucker." "He calls ME a cocksucker!" "I'm..." "I'm just saying, the man is not homophobic." "I wouldn't work for him if he were." "My brother is gay!" "You're brother's gay?" "He's hot." "The other one." "Oh." "Look, can I say something?" "As your friend, don't do this." "You'll get a reputation for being litigious." "No one will ever hire you." "No one will hire me now." "There's nothing out there." "It's really depressing." "Let me ask you something." "If I can get Merc to say yes... would you come back?" "Like he ever would!" "I don't know, but we need you there." "Who believed in the talking dog when none of us did?" "And look where it got me!" "I'm not making any promises, but if I can get him on board, would you be willing to drop this and come home?" "He'd have to apologise." "We'll see." "And blow me." "One step at a time." "I was kidding about the apologising." "That's it for today, everybody." "Thank you." "Really funny script." "Thank you." "I just have a few quick notes." "On page one... do we need the joke about the iPads and the maxipads?" "Yes." "We do?" "Yes." "Is it funny?" "People laughed." "Did they?" "Mmm-kay." "Why?" "What is it about the joke...?" "She said, "Mmm-kay"!" "Right, moving on." "Hmm..." "Hey, Matt, you're wrapped for the day." "Sweet." "Also, Merc Lapidus's wife is here to see you." "They've put her in your dressing room." "Hey." "I hope this is OK." "I was just on the lot dropping something off at Merc's." "Absolutely." "Er..." "Actually, I kind of have a favour to ask." "Oh, shoot." "Well, I'm on the board of the LA Civic Opera." "Oh, I love opera." "Really?" "Oh, shit!" "I was making a face." "I figured." "So what's your opera favour?" "We've got this big benefit coming up and Merc's going to be honoured as our Man of the Year." "Oh." "Good for him." "Any chance you could present him with the award?" "Oh." "Sure, absolutely." "Oh, great." "Well, that's really great." "Thank you." "OK." "Great." "So we're not going to talk about what happened?" "You're right, we definitely should." "Believe it or not, I've never done anything like that before." "Really?" "Then I'm very impressed." "I don't know what came over me, I guess I was just feeling... if he could do it..." "Uh, what are you saying?" "Oh, come on." "Everyone knows about Merc and Carol." "Seriously, Merc and Carol?" "!" "By the way, I have a very shocked expression on my face." "Please!" "You know." "Yeah." "But I didn't know you knew." "Well, I may be blind, but I'm not BLIND." "OK." "Well, if there's anything else I could do..." "You're sweet." "Seriously, whatever you need." "Are we still talking about the award?" "I wasn't." "Page 18." "Will anyone know who Rudyard Kipling is?" "Yes." "They will?" "Yes." "Do you know who he is?" "The writer guy?" "There we go." "People aren't so stupid after all." "Mmm-kay." "Hmm... page 21." "Do we need the bats?" "The what?" "The bats." "I'm going to go out on a limb here and say we do not need the bats, as there are no bats on page 21." "I wrote "bats"." "Well, that does look like "bats"." "Sorry, are you looking to see if there are suddenly bats on page 21?" "Could you mean beats?" "What?" "Where we've written the stage directions the actors should take..." "A beat?" "Yes." "So, the pauses." "You're asking if we need the pauses?" "Yes." "Right, well, we like the pauses." "So why don't we shoot the pauses and then if you still don't like them, we can always have them cut in post." "Mmm-kay." "In the scene at the ice rink, can we establish that Lyman's a good coach?" "Why?" "We need to know he's good at his job." "Why?" "We need to like him." "If he's good at his job we'll like him?" "No, she's right." "We don't like people who aren't good at their jobs." "In fact, sometimes we HATE people who aren't good at their jobs." "Exactly." "Hello." "Never again." "OK." "Forget it." "I'm not going to rehire some cocksucker who's trying to sue me." "OK, you need a new word." "I can't believe we're even having this conversation!" "Look, he's smart." "He's got great instincts." "I think he's a big plus." "Yeah?" "And what about the new casting guy, Arnold?" "Ronald?" "Kip." "Kip?" "!" "Are you sure?" "Kip." "Huh!" "So we're just getting rid of Kip?" "No, we can keep Kip." "He'll still run casting." "I'll put Andy on my team." "It's a lot easier than a law suit." "No." "I don't care." "Let him take me to court." "It's bullshit, and I am not going to be blackmailed." "There's a matter of principle here." "All right." "One question." "Do you really want New York finding out you fired the one guy who said we should go with the talking dog?" "What else?" "Golub and Meyers pitched a show about a guy who gets downsized and moves back to his home town." "No." "OK." "Harry Zimm has a cute pilot about a woman who gets divorced and has to move back with her mother." "It's called Not If I Kill You First." "No!" "No!" "No one moving back to their home town." "No relatives moving in with other relatives." "Do you think it's possible we could actually find something different from the same crap that's killing us now?" "Is that asking too much?" "I've got something about an alien." "Fine." "As long as he doesn't go back to his planet and move in with his parents." "Oh..." "Oh, my God!" "It's called Beam Me Home." "Fine." "Let's try this again." "Maybe I wasn't clear." "I want one goddamn fresh idea." "Just one!" "Yes, Andy..." "Button." "Go." "What other animals can talk?" "Hey." "So she's delivering the hand jobs now?" "Very convenient." "No." "She came here to ask me to present an award at one of her charity things." "Right!" "I swear, she did not give me a hand job." "All right, it did get a little blowy and fucky, but totally hands free." "Unbelievable." "Aw, come on!" "There's nothing left to say." "The woman's husband is our boss." "The fate of our show is in his hands." "She threw herself at me!" "Oh, and you couldn't fend off the brutal blind woman?" "Hey, it's hard to say no." "But I don't have to tell you that." "Meaning what?" "Al the camera guy... saw you making out with Morning in the parking lot last week." "That, I..." "Hmm?" "Yes?" "That.." "I... that is completely different!" "What I may or may not have done with Morning does not put our show in jeopardy!" "Right, cos you boning one of your stars is good for the show!" "That always works out well." "First of all, I never said that we "boned"." "Did you?" "Woo-hoo-hoo!" "Finally!" "England scores!" "I'd say that deserves a car." "Have you been walking around with those just waiting to do that?" "Maybe." "Well, for the last time, keep your bloody car!" "Oh, come on!" "This is the only time in your life when someone's going to actually give you a car." "A car!" "Take the goddamn car!" "Don't be an asshole!" "Have you been practising?" "Listen to me." "No car." "Forget it." "You don't get to win this time." "You think this is about winning?" "I don't care if you take the fucking car." "Maybe you haven't noticed," "I don't like a lot of people," "I don't trust a lot of people, so when I meet someone that I actually want to hang out with, it really pisses me off when I screw it up." "I hate what happened with us." "So I'm trying to do what I can to make it right." "This is the best I got." "An Infinity?" "What do you want, a Bentley?" "It's not like I fucking killed your wife!" "I'm never going to forgive you." "OK." "I will never get past what happened." "I get that." "I just want you to know how sorry I am." "And that I have learned my lesson." "And the fact that you're screwing someone else's wife now?" "But I'm not screwing yours." "That was the lesson." "God!" "What's the likelihood of this ending in a hug?" "Very, very slim." "How about I hug you and you just stand there?" "Oh, God!" "'You're a dog!" "'Why are you even talking to my accountant?" "'" "'Yeah, well, see if you're still saying that 'after you get your refund.'" "'No offence, but I'm not that comfortable 'taking financial advice from someone 'who licks other dogs' asses.'" "'I can't help it." "They're delicious!" "'" "'Here, try one.'" "'Get that out of my face." "'Get it out of my face!" "'" "Jamie Lapidus gave me a handjob last night." "I had to tell you!" "Hope this is OK." "I was dropping something off." "How did Sean like the watch?" "I didn't want to put him on the spot so I had a PA put it in his car." "Al the camera guy saw you making out with Morning last week." "Should we talk about what happened?" "I had fun." "Me, too." "That's it?" "Pretty much." "See you tomorrow." "I should probably get that." "I totally disagree." "Sorry." "Hello?" "No, actually I'm... in the car." "Why?" "Oh, my God." "When?" "Does Merc know?" "OK." "Tell him I'll meet him at home." "All right, bye." "That was my assistant." "Merc's father died." "Jesus." "That sucks." "Well, he's been in a coma for the last month, so..." "I guess it's kind of a blessing." "Still..." "I'm really sorry." "I should go." "Like... this minute?" "Seriously, my husband's father just died." "No, absolutely, but... it's not like you can bring the old guy back." "And isn't this really a time to celebrate the living?" "You're making a really plaintive face right now, aren't you?" "I am." "And you should see what this guy's doing." "It would break your heart." "Ohhh..." "There you go." "'What's another word for cock?" "'" "What's wrong with "cock"?" "You can't say "cock" on TV here." "No?" "Hmm." "How about "prick"?" "Nope." "Seriously?" "No "prick"?" "No "prick"." "How about "dick"?" "No. "Knob"?" "I don't think so. "Meat missile"." ""Meat missile"?" "!" "That's what the nuns called it." "Hey..." "What do you call a cock?" "A cock." "Right." "Anything else?" "Something we can say on television." "Noodle." "Noodle?" "That's what I call my boyfriend's." "Wow." "He sounds quite the stud." "He's on anti-depressants." "Oh, sorry." "Is that it?" "Actually, you came in here." "Oh, yeah." "The network called." "They want to move the table read to tomorrow." "Tomorrow?" "Why?" "Merc Lapidus' father died and they all have to go to the funeral today." "Oh, that's sad." "OK, well, just let the stage know." "OK." "Do you want to send something?" "Like flowers or something?" "Er... should we?" "I dunno." "Maybe." "We could call Carol and ask." "Could you get us Carol?" "Huh?" "Carol." "OK." "I didn't know she had a boyfriend." "You've met him." "The gloomy chap with the disappointing dong." "Dong." "Good idea!" "Carol Rance on two!" " Hi, Carol!" " 'Hold for Carol, please.'" " 'Hi, guys!" "'" " Hi, Carol!" "Hope we didn't mess you up too much." "No, that's fine." "We're just sorry about Merc's father. 'I know.'" "Don't get old." "And if you do, don't have a stroke." "We were just wondering, should we send flowers or something?" "Flowers are always nice, but you shouldn't feel obligated." "Really." "'Sorry for the chewing.'" "Phil Rosenthal sent Merc this ginormous condolence spread from Zabar's in New York." "Ohh!" "'I swear, the bagels were still warm.' So people are sending food?" "'No, not everybody.'" "A few people sent platters, a muffin basket is always nice, but honestly don't feel any pressure." "My God!" "They just brought in a turkey the size of a Prius." "I hate it when people die." "I get so fat." ""What better way to remember a friend or loved one" ""than this thoughtful bereavement basket overflowing with scrumptious mini muffins," ""decadent chocolate brownies, butter toffee pretzels and snickerdoodle cookies," ""wrapped in cellophane and tied with a tasteful black bow?" ""The entire family will appreciate your gesture of peace and sympathy." ""Caution:" "This product may contain nuts."" "What's up?" "Trying to decide what to send Merc." "Smart." "Can I get in on that?" "Sure." "What are you thinking?" "Carol suggested a muffin basket." "She's an idiot." "Muffins went out, like, 10 years ago." "Can I leave?" "Yeah." "Not for the day, though." "Oh." "So if not a muffin basket...?" "We should cater a whole dinner." "A whole dinner?" "For how many?" "I don't know. 50, 75." "They probably have a ton of people at their house." "Doesn't that seem excessive?" "If our ratings were great, we could send cat piss and a bag of Doritos." "Mmm!" "But with our numbers, we can't be the cheap assholes who sent the shitty little muffin basket." "So we're catering a dinner for 75 people?" "!" "What happened to "somebody dies, dig a hole, bury them"?" "It's like dealing with cave people." "It's just so hard." "I should be with him today." "His father died." "I know. 'I should he holding him and comforting him.'" "I should be helping him pick out a casket." "You KNOW I would be better at it than she is, which I realise isn't saying a lot." "Well, you get to see him at the funeral, no?" "'Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know.'" "Oh, God." "I've got to hear a pitch." "Some guy's got a TV movie about his father's triumph over autism." "It's supposed to be inspiring." "I am SO not in the mood!" "'Bye.'" "Look familiar?" "Weirdly, yes." "I gave them some pictures of our first flat to use as inspiration." "Oh, my God." "Just imagine a brick wall there and the smell of curry!" "My ex-wife calling and hanging up." "Ah, good times." "They were." "Hey..." "bad news on the catering thing." "We're too late." "Mark Burnett's doing tonight from the Grill." "Tomorrow, Universal is sending deli." "And some asshole from Warner Bros took Friday." "We're back to muffins?" "We were never on muffins!" "Anyway, I called Jamie and asked if she had any ideas." "Jamie who?" "Lapidus." "What?" "What?" "That look." "What look?" "No look." "We've been..." "kinda seeing each other." "Who?" "Me and Jamie." "Well, I've been seeing her." "She hasn't seen..." "Blind jokes?" "Really?" "Hey, she makes 'em!" "Oh, my God!" "You and Jamie Lapidus?" "For how long?" "A few weeks." "Started the night of our premiere." "She gave me a handjob during the screening." "A handjob?" "!" "During our show?" "Relax." "It's not like she was watching it." "I was sitting right next to you." "Gotta say - her side, much better." "You really are horrifying." "What is it with you and other people's wives?" "Yeah, yeah." "He's been all over me for that." "Well..." "Anyway, I spoke to Jamie and there's a couple of charities they suggest people make donations to." "That's better than catering." "What charities?" "One helps homeless people get tattoos removed." "That is the stupidest cause ever." "I think it's for gang tattoos, stuff that stops them getting jobs." "What was the other thing?" "Canadian geese." "What about them?" "I don't know!" "Ah!" "It doesn't matter." "These are the ones they picked." "We just say, "Look, money!"" "This is the worst chase scene ever." "How big a donation are we talking?" "Like a hundred?" "No." "Who are you people?" "It's got to be at least a grand." "What?" "!" "$1,000?" "!" "For geese?" "!" "And will they even know how much we're giving?" "The geese?" "Merc and his family." "I don't know, but in case they do know, we've got to give a lot." " I'm just going to check the back." " Sure." "Hey, you guys!" "Do we all want to go to this funeral together?" "We weren't planning on going." "Everybody's going." "Who's everybody?" "From all the shows on the network." "Oh, shit." "Really?" "I'm getting texts." "Carol didn't say anything about it." "Duh!" "They never say it." "It's the right thing to do." "You didn't say that when my Aunt Harriet died." "She didn't run a network." "Hey." "OK, that was my agent." "I've got to go to this fucking funeral." "Thank you." "He also said a charitable donation is too impersonal." "So now what?" "Jerry Bruckheimer donated a dialysis machine to Cedars in Merc's father's name." "Jesus!" "I know, but he's a partner in some dialysis company so he gets them at cost." "Wow." "David Kelley and Michelle Pfeiffer are planting a tree." "Oh, those fuckers!" "Wow." "What do you think?" "You look like you're on the news." "Thank you!" "The rental car company sent this over." "It was under the seat when you turned the car in." "We don't have time for extensions?" "No." "Oh, well." "OK." "Just..." "Oh, my God." "Don't you love this sofa?" "Ooh, very nice." "Shopping for a sofa?" "No, I'm just really into catalogues." "I could read 'em all day." "So you count this as reading?" "It's got words." "Ha." "What?" "Look familiar?" "The chair?" "Uh-huh." "I don't think so." "Isn't that the one Sean has in his bedroom?" "I can't help you." "I've never actually been in Sean's bedroom." "Oh." "Hey." "Ooh, nice." "Did I give you that?" "No, you did not!" "I gave out a bunch last year." "It's a vintage Breitling." "Yeah." "If you want a few more, let me know." "Will do." "Oh, man." "This is going to be weird at this thing today." "Being with Jamie in front of Merc." "But easier than the last time, with no orgasms." "You've never been with a blind girl, right?" "No!" "It's good." "You don't have to suck in the gut." "There's a bonus." "I went out with this deaf chick." "Smoking hot." "But it was a little weird when she'd do the dirty talk." "She was like, "Fuck me."" "Stop!" "I'm just saying. "Fuck me." "Put your finger in my ass."" "Ssh!" "Just shush." ""I like..." Shush!" ""If you..." Ah!" "Look at you two!" "Very nice." "Hey!" "We all clean up pretty good." "We should do something fun after." "You're assuming the funeral won't be fun." "I think I got you in trouble." "What?" "I put my foot in it." "Hello?" "My friend Carrie just got to the cemetery." "She says it's packed." "Hm." "When we get there, just make sure Merc sees you." "And it wouldn't hurt if you could cry a little." "Are you serious?" "I probably will cry thinking about when my parents die." "Do you ever think about that?" "I do, all the time." "How old are they?" "My mom's 91 and Dad's 93." "How is that even possi...?" "Oh, right." "I never think about me dying." "Do you guys?" "More so lately." "Do you think if you died the other Friends would come to your funeral?" "Yeah, I think they'd come." "Even Jennifer?" "Yeah, even Jennifer." "God, can you imagine the press?" "All of you together again." "Well, not YOU." "Right." "Cos I'd be dead." "Sure, but still..." "Still..." "I'd be dead." "I hope I'm still famous when I die." "Kinda playing fast and loose with the word "famous", no?" "When I first got out here I went to Orson Welles' funeral." "Really?" "You knew Orson Welles?" "Nah." "My publicist got me in." "I couldn't believe I was there." "It was like a real Hollywood funeral." "Jimmy Stewart, Bob Hope," "Bette Davis." "The biggest fucking coffin you ever saw." "That guy was huge!" "I'm standing next to this woman." "She's, like, in her 50s, sort of looks familiar." "No one's paying any attention to her." "Turns out it's Gloria Haywood." "Who's Gloria Haywood?" "Exactly!" "We started talking and she's had this amazing life." "A big affair with Bing Crosby." "She won an Oscar for Best Supporting Actress in 1950." "35 years later, no one knows who the fuck she is." "We went out for a drink and ended up back at her apartment, this shitty little two-room place off Fountain." "She had this ratty dog who watched us screwing all afternoon." "It was my first celebrity fuck." "Hm." "I just remember thinking, "Well, at least now someone will remember you."" "A couple of years ago I googled her to see if she was still alive." "Turns out someone called Josephine Hull won the Oscar in 1950." "So who was Gloria Haywood?" "Hell if I know!" "Some nutjob who gave me crabs!" "She gave you crabs?" "Mm-hm." "But..." "I learned a valuable lesson that day." "How to get rid of crabs?" "Yep." "It's come in handy more than once." "Ah!" "Hey, I can't believe he's gone." "I know." "It's the end of an era." "What are you doing?" "!" "Put those away!" "If he sees you!" "I know, but..." "I just got a text from a friend." "Matthew Broderick fell out of his NBC deal this morning." "His people are shopping him around." "I don't care." "There's a time and place..." "Matthew Broderick!" "Ferris Bueller?" "The Producers?" "Inspector Gadget." "First of all, I already know this." "I have a call in to the agent." "More important, today is not about work." "Merc's father died." "We have to be here for him." "I totally hear you." "Sorry." "Yeah, sorry." "What got up her ass?" "Thanks so much for coming." "It means a lot." "Wow." "Nice turnout." "OK, there's Merc." "Let's do this." "You're here!" "How could we not be?" "Matty." "My pop's gone." "I'm sorry, man." "I still can't believe it." "I bet he was really proud of you." "He was." "And, you know, we didn't speak for, like, 12 years." "When was this?" "Oh, long time ago." "Caught him cheating on my mom." "Wow." "So I called the IRS on him, told them how he was cooking his books and he was indicted." "Jeez." "Every family has their stuff." "Hey, you!" " You met him, didn't you?" " Just once." "He was a sweetie." " Didn't he grab your ass?" " He was so full of life!" "Not so much any more." "Hey!" "You got one job - to keep her from falling in the goddamned hole!" "Sorry." "Anyway, I'm so glad you're all here." "It really means the world to me." "And you two - all the way from London." "We're so sorry." "My father loved England." "It was his favourite country." "Really?" "He said it was like Europe, but in English." "That's our slogan." "You still make me laugh, even on a day like today." "Well..." "Excuse me." "Ah!" "You're here..." "See you by the hole." "I'll just say a quick hello to Carol." "What were you trying to say to me?" "I didn't know Beverly's never been to your apartment." "This is important why?" "I was talking about a chair in your bedroom." "OK." "Oh!" "I'm really sorry." "I wasn't even thinking." "Don't apologise." "You did nothing wrong." "Well..." "No." "You were allowed to be there." "It's not like I was cheating." "I guess." "Yeah, we're separated." "I can do whatever I want." "I'm perfectly within my rights." "Why do you sound guilty?" "Because I am." "So sorry." "Thank you." "Hey..." "You're here." "You holding up OK?" "I've probably hugged 400 people already!" "Let's make it 401." "Sounds good to me." "So sorry for your loss." "I wanna kiss your neck." "Mmm." "You feel so good." "And now it's too long." "He's in a better place." "How are you?" "Hello again." "William Shatner's here." "The real William Shatner?" "The real William Shatner!" "Please tell me you didn't do your impression." "Inside I was like," ""You Klingon bastard!" "You killed my son!" Stop it!" "Today is sad enough." "Oh, by the way, thank you so much for this." "You're welcome." "Happy birthday." "Sorry." "I just got it today." "Ah." "I was wondering when you didn't say anything." "I thought maybe I'd got the wrong thing." "God, no." "I love it." "It's perfect." "Oh." "What?" "What time do you have?" "Quarter to." "Why?" "It's 20 minutes behind." "Oh, did I not mention it's a piece of shit?" "Put that in the card." "I'll get it fixed." "So..." "Hm?" "Morning was saying something about a conversation she had with you..." "Yep." "Where she mentioned to you that, um... she'd been in my apartment." "You don't owe me any explanation." "I really don't." "I just said that." "And I believe she said bedroom." "Right." "Yeah, bedroom, yeah." "But since you brought it up..." "Yeah." "This was when?" "On my birthday." "So you weren't alone?" "Good, good." "For what it's worth, I was only with her the one time." "Mm." "So you were actually... with her..." "with her?" "I assumed, but..." "I w-was with her." "I was with her." "I was with her." "With her I was." "I can't stop!" "Try!" "So just to clarify..." "Yeah." "Go." "This wasn't something that was going on back when..." "Right." "I thought there might be something going on?" "No." "Cos I was thinking," ""Mmm!" "Maybe I wasn't so crazy." No, you were." "Oh, good." "So I see no reason to feel guilty." "Absolutely none." "After what happened with you and..." "Yes." "I totally agree." "It's not like we're even together." "No." "We're not together." "We, we are... not." "If everyone is ready, it's time to begin." "What's wrong?" "No, it's silly." "Tell me." "I just always assumed that... that when I died you'd be there." "Or if you died, I'd be there." "Now I'm thinking who knows?" "Maybe not." "Oh." "Told you it was silly." "It's OK." "He had a full life." "There's an old Hebrew proverb." "Say not in grief he is no more, but live in thankfulness that he was." "I know everyone here today is thankful that Leo Lapidus touched our lives." "For 49 years he was a devoted husband to our Selma, he was a loving father to Mindy and to Merc and he adored his grandchildren" " Sam, Tess, Emma," "Brett and Rose." "But he'd trade you all in a heartbeat for an eight handicap." "It's OK." "It's all right to laugh." "Leo wanted to leave us laughing." "May his memory endure among us as a blessing." "I'm so sorry!" "I thought it was turned off." "Who was it?" "Everyone is here." " Matthew Broderick's agent." " That fucker didn't come?" " I'll tell you later." " What?" "Tell me now." "Broderick's available." "Seriously?" "NBC couldn't close the deal." "Get him back." "Now?" "!" "Hold for Merc Lapidus." "Sorry." "This is important." "Yeah." "Merc." "Right."