"Rebecca:" "Previously on "Crazy Ex-Girlfriend"..." "What you said, about believing in me, about truly understanding who I am..." "No one has ever said anything like that about me." "That means so much." "You have no idea." "A kiss on the cheek means everything." "You and Josh, your love story?" "It gives me hope." "My marriage is like" "The Walking Dead, okay?" "We are all just trying to get out alive." "♪ ♪" "So Paula came home a couple weeks ago..." "I remember she was all dressed up..." "And said she was unhappy, uh..." "Dude..." "Sorry, man." "My aim's really off today." "Please continue, Scott." "I thought maybe we should talk to someone." "Uh, but not a shrink." "We're from Buffalo." "We don't like the touchy-feely stuff." "And you, Paula?" "You still feeling unhappy?" "Look, Scott and I understand each other." "And that's enough." "So I-I don't want to rock the boat." "You know, we rock the boat and then we'll just... we'll flip the whole thing." "Paula, if you don't deal with your unhappiness, problems only grow." "At that point, forget about flipping the boat, you're putting a hole right in the boat." "That's classic self-sabotage." "Babe, we're sinking." "Let's do whatever he says." "What should we do, Mr. Brah?" "Please, Mr. Brah was my father." "I'm Father Brah." "And I'm just going to give you some simple homework." "Go home." "Have dinner, alone, just the two of you." "Look into each other's eyes and really connect with each other." "Can you do that?" "For me?" "And for God?" "Wow, you do that?" "You pull the God card that easy?" "I'm a priest, Paula." "What other cards you think I got?" "Scott, Paula... be the boat, not the hole." "Nobody likes a hole." "Everybody likes a swoosh!" "It's really off today." "What up, God?" "♪ ♪" "(whistling a tune)" "Yo." "Yo." "Cool." "Um... haven't seen you in a while." "Yeah..." "I've been avoiding you." "Okay." "By dating my next-door neighbor and then showing up at my door?" "Heather said you had something for her?" "Oh, yeah, uh, she's borrowing my hard drive for her coding class." "I'll get it." "Good." "Looks nice in here." "You decorated." "Some succulents, some candles, you hung the fish..." "So, you and Heather." "Yeah..." "That's still a thang?" "Yeah, it's a bit of a "thang."" "Good, good." "I'm very glad that you found a mating partner." "Why do you care about my "mating" choices?" "I don't." "I don't care!" "And I think I've shown that consistently." "Here you go." "Here's the... here's the hard drive." "Oh, and, uh, tell Heather not to open the folder that says "Taxes."" "If she's looking for porn, there's a folder that says "Porn."" "Got it." "Lovely." "Yeah." "Thank you so much." "They're the good kind, with plots." "That's why the hard drive is so big." "He's not listening." "♪ ♪" "All right, Brosefs, here's the deal." "I got a big presentation coming up, and I am dragging, so I'm gonna get a triple red-eye with an extra shot in the Olson Twin Size." ""The plaintiff in the case is entitled" ""to collect back rent on the property and in addition," ""the defendant is liable for court costs and interest accrued in the period of June 2013."" ""Also, the plaintiff wants a back massage and a smoothie."" "(laughs)" "(both laughing)" "Oh, my God, you're so funny!" "I love you... your... sense of humor!" " (laughs)" " Oh, so..." "How are you?" "Good." "I, uh... you know, I keep thinking about camp and just how much fun we had." "Yeah, me too." " That campfire was so nice." " Yeah." "Yeah." "Oh, wow." "Uh, so do you have, like, a... a "recital" today?" "Nah, just regular class." "Hey, do you know what time it is?" "Yeah." "Uh, let's see..." " It is 3:08." " Thanks." "I left my phone at home." "I feel so... naked." "Like buck naked." "Mmm." "Well, um, I gotta go." "Oh." "Bye!" "Sorry, but..." "Yeah, bye." "It was good seeing you." "Bye." " Bye." " Bye." "(sighs)" "Rebecca:" "This case is about taking responsibility for one's actions." "About following through on a promise regardless of the consequences." "And therefore, the defendant must do what the law requires and must assume all fiduciary responsibilities in this matter." "Okay." "Well-argued, Miss Bunch." "Over to you, Miss Cavanaugh." "Your Honor, my argument today centers on three essential principles contained in the municipal real estate code..." "The same three codes that my client upheld in regards to the property in question," "533 East Cameron." "The written agreement between my client and the plaintiff stipulates that the lease payment is due by the fifth of every month." "Section F, line 37." "And any day beyond the fifth, a fee of $3,500 will incur..." "Section F, line 39." "My client has followed protocol and issued numerous written and verbal warnings to procure the delinquent monies," " specifying failure of payment - _" " would result in immediate - _" " termination of the property lease, - _" " adhering to the formalities - _" " outlined in Section G, line four." " _" " The recent lease termination by my client - _ makes the plaintiff and his employees squatters." "These charges should be dropped immediately and stricken from the court records." "So you see," "Your Honor, the, uh... the conclusion is clear." "All right." "Strong argument." "What's your response, Miss Bunch?" "Miss Bunch?" "You didn't get it?" "What?" "I'm sorry, I-I have to, um..." "I have to examine just a piece of essential evidence." "This'll only... take a second." "_" "(dramatic, rumbling percussion)" "(distorted):" "No... (distorted):" "Miss Bunch?" "(distorted):" "Rebecca, what's wrong?" "Miss Bunch?" "(gasps)" "(distorted):" "Mother..." "_" "Um... what's wrong?" "Is everything okay, Miss Bunch?" "Your Honor... (clears throat)" "I'd like to request a temporary stay in this matter." "What?" "Uh, it is an emergency." "Your Honor, this is highly unprofessional." "Uh, yeah." "Okay, cookie, you don't have to lie." "These are good people." "I-I've known Harry forever, I-I mentored Connie." "They're gonna understand." "What?" "Understand what?" "You guys, look at this." "She just accidentally texted her ex-boyfriend from summer camp who she's secretly in love with, moved here for..." "Oh, and by the way, has a serious live-in girlfriend." "Paula!" "What..." "Oh, my God." "What is this about?" "Look, Miss Bunch, I can't grant you a stay." "You gotta take care of this right away." "You take the rest of the day off." "Yes, what can we do to help?" "Check this out, Connie." "Oh." "Oh, this is a disaster." "What are you gonna do?" "Forget this stupid case, we've gotta figure out how to spin this." "Vanessa:" "No, let me see that." "Girl, this is a living nightmare!" "Judge Spenser:" "What if we spin it as a joke?" "Oh, ha, ha, ha, it's opposite day." "No one does opposite day anymore, Harry, what are we?" "Fourth graders in 1995?" "Well, I don't know!" "I'm panicking!" "And I'm the only one brainstorming here, Connie!" "Maybe she blames the phone company." "I know!" "She could say she got hacked." "No." "No, there's only one option here." "Witness protection." " Burn it all down." "Start a new life." " Oh, my... come on!" "Okay, all right." "Everybody just calm down." "We just have to get to his phone before he sees it." "Ugh, but he's on the thing all the time." "Dammit!" "Wait!" "Oh, my God!" "Guys, I just remembered something!" "He doesn't have his phone with him." "Yeah, he accidentally left it at home while he's at Tae Kwan Do." "Tae Kwan Duh!" "That is your answer, girl!" "Paula:" "You have got to get to that apartment." "Wait!" "What if Velveeta is there?" "His girlfriend." "Rebecca:" "No, no." "No." "Valencia's not there." "She teaches yoga back-to-back today, so I have a window of, like, three hours." "So the first thing we do when we get to Josh's house is we look for his spare key." "He got locked out one time and..." "I can't go with you." "What?" "Yeah, I know!" "I'm having dinner with Scott at home." "What?" "I'm sorry." "But it is a big deal." "It's like our whole marriage is in a boat and God is watching or something." "But you go!" "Go to his apartment right now!" "Connie:" "Yes!" "Go as fast as your tiny little legs will carry you!" "Go!" "I'll get you a police escort!" "Come on!" "Just go, go, go!" "(siren wailing, rock song begins)" "♪ Time is running out ♪" "♪ You've got to act now ♪" "♪ Stay one step ahead ♪" "♪ Of that moronic text somehow ♪" "♪ There's no turning back ♪" "♪ Here in the danger zone ♪" "♪ You've got to manually delete that text ♪" "♪ From that dude's cell phone... ♪" "Thank you, officers!" "Officer:" "Good luck, Rebecca!" "♪ It's a text-mergency ♪" "♪ Baby can't you see ♪" "♪ Text-mergency ♪" "♪ That term just occurred to me ♪" "♪ It's gonna catch on instantly ♪" "Wait, what about... ♪ Text-tastrophe ♪" "♪ That sounds better to me ♪" "♪ Text-tastrophe ♪" "♪ That could really spread virally ♪" "♪ I prefer text-mergency!" "♪" "♪ ♪" "_" "♪ I accidentally texted my mother-in-law ♪" "♪ A picture of my erection ♪" "♪ I once group-texted my whole staff ♪" "♪ About my yeast infection ♪" "♪ Exactly, it's so relatable ♪" "♪ That's why I coined the phrase... ♪" "♪ Text-tastrophe ♪" "♪ That's the meme, don't you agree?" "♪" "All due respect." "♪ Text-mergency is the better term, Miss C. ♪" "Um, I want to go with... ♪ Text-tastrophe ♪" "♪ I already put it on Urban Dictionary... ♪" "(elevator bell dings)" "You fools, it doesn't matter what it's called." "That's right, it's me, the ghost of Steve Jobs." "What matters is that I control your lives from the grave." "Technology is slowly alienating everyone from their loved ones." "(laughs)" "And when you send a few words to the wrong recipient and it immediately destroys your entire life, that's called a... ♪ Message-pocalypse ♪" "♪ Get out of here, Steve Jobs!" "♪" "Guys, what about that lawyer chick?" "We've gotten really off track." "Judge Spenser: ♪ She's searching for the spare key ♪" "♪ Look under the mat!" "♪" "♪ It's clearly hidden in that owl!" "♪" "♪ Look in that flower pot, hurry... ♪" "♪ Hurry up and check that Buddha sconce... ♪" "♪ Check the Buddha sconce, check the Buddha sconce!" "♪" "(key jingles)" "Yes!" "♪ She did it ♪" "♪ Now she can delete the text ♪" "♪ She won't need to come up with a... ♪" "♪ Text-scuse ♪" "♪ Text-planation. ♪" "Text-mergency just flows." "No, dude, text-tastrophe." "It's what it is." "Dude, she's totally right." "(scoffs) Text-scuse me?" "(humming)" "Okay." "Pass-code, shoot." "Uh... uh, uh, uh, uh, uh." "Jesus's birthday?" "12-25, no." "Uh, last four of social?" "3-1-2-4, no." "Valencia's birthday?" "Let's see, it's 5-5... 5-5-8-8." "Yes!" "Oh, God, he really loves her." "Okay." "Text messages." ""Rebecca Bunch," ooh, that's a bad one." "(sighs, chuckles)" "(sighs)" "_" "(laughs with relief)" "♪ ♪" "VANESSA: ♪ Don't smell the shirt ♪" "♪ You're running out of time. ♪" "All right." " _ - (sighs, chuckles)" "Honey, you heard what Father Brah said." "We need to really connect." "Put the phone away." "You're right." "You're absolutely right." "Okay, let's do this, let's... connect." "♪ ♪" "(sighs)" "You blinked." "I win. (laughs)" "I-I don't think that's what we're supposed to be doing." "I don't know what we're supposed to be doing." "Maybe we should hold hands." "Okay." "♪ ♪" "You know, mine is really good." "Do you want to try it?" "Sure." "Uh, okay." "(grunts)" "Mmm." "This is nice." "Yep." "Josh." "What are you... ?" "Oh... my God, thank God you're back." "What's going on?" "Uh, how did you get in here?" "How does anyone get in anywhere?" "It's like we're there, and then we're here." "Aah, God." "What?" "Okay, slow down, slow down, slow down." "Just slow down." "Okay, uh, give me a second to just get my story straight." "Did you break in?" "(snaps) Break-in, yes, there was a break-in." "But not here, not here, never here." " What?" " Okay." "So I was in my, uh, apartment, and, uh, somebody did the thing that you... you were just saying, the thing that you were just saying." " They broke in?" " Yes." "Yes, you're so good." "We should have a charades night." " Okay, Rebecca..." " I haven't seen anyone since the beach." "Rebecca, wait, wait, someone broke into your house?" "Yes, yes, they broke in, and, um, they-they smashed it, uh, with a big..." " Rock." " Yes." "You're so good at this." "We should do teams of two." "When are you next free?" "Wait, wait, Rebecca, Rebecca." "Just hold yourself together." "Did you call the police?" "No, no, no cops." "No, didn't call the police." "So why are you here?" "Slow down!" "Okay, so after I couldn't reach you," "I came here to be with you and your girlfriend." "All right, all right, all right." " So take a deep breath." " Okay." "I'm gonna say this as slowly as possible." "Okay." "Okay, so someone used a rock and broke into your apartment?" "Was-was anything taken?" "No." "No, just the rock through the window." "So I was scared, and I came here, and the door was unlocked." "Oh, man." "I mean, you know, I do that sometimes." "(scoffs) Did I leave the fridge open, too?" "Yes, you did, and I closed it, and I saved a lot of cold cuts." "Geez." "Uh, you know what, thank you." "L-Look, okay, you're really upset." "Yeah, I-I am really upset." "You know what, I'm probably..." "I'm probably overreacting." "It's not a big deal." "I'm gonna get out of your hair." "Wait." "Yeah?" "I don't feel okay about this." "You don't?" "Of course not." "Look at you." "I can't send you home alone." "Look how scared you are." "You look like a tiny scared little bird." "(baby voice):" "I do?" "(chuckles)" "Josh, I, um..." "I'm so sorry that I just came in your house." "No." "No, it's okay, you were scared." "Look, why don't we go back to your place, and I'll make sure it's all okay." "Thank you, Josh." "I'm not scared anymore." "And we'll get that broken window fixed, right?" "Mmm, broken window." "Broken window." "Yes..." "Yes." "Cool, let me just change." "Great, and, hey, shower if you're feeling it." "No rush." "It's really... really no rush." "(door closes)" "God, Paula, I hope your marriage is fixed by now." "(groans)" "Ugh, just push it through." "No, no, we can save the cork." "No, we can't." "Be realistic, okay?" "We just got to push the cork through and drink the wine with dirty little pieces of cork in it." "Is it great?" "No, but that's life." "(cell phone rings)" "I am not going to answer that." "Nope." "I just hope it doesn't have something to do with the kids." "They're upstairs." "That's right." "And you know how much trouble they can get into upstairs." "I'm just gonna check, just for peace of mind." "Oh, it's my mom." "Something must be wrong." "It's so late up in Buffalo." "Her-her gout must be bothering her." "Mom, everything okay?" "Joints flaring up?" "Hi." "So, okay, Josh caught me coming in his house, and I started panicking, and I told him that we'd be good at charades, and now he's being all protective and masculine..." "He smells like karate, and I love it..." "And he's getting dressed now, so what I need you to do is I need you to go to my house, stop what you're doing, and throw a rock through my sliding glass door right now, okay?" "Copy that." "Did you say "copy that" to your mom?" "Yes, I have to make copies for her health insurance." "Okay, yeah, that's enough." "Who calls you all the time?" "You think I haven't noticed?" "What's really going on?" "I don't have time for this, Scott, okay?" "I got to go." "I'll be back in an hour, tops." "It's the Peewee football coach, isn't it?" "I see him coming back for seconds when you bring the orange slices." "Oh, my God, no." "Scott, uh, look, I have to go." "Paula, if you walk out that door without me, you're rocking the boat in the bad way." "Big time." "Ugh, fine." "Come with me then, okay?" "But you... you cannot ask any questions, okay?" "♪ ♪" "All right, let's go clean up some broken glass." "Hey, uh, first, can I just get a glass of water?" " Uh, sure." " Thanks." "And, uh, a toast with almond butter?" "And a sliced apple cut into... very tiny slices." "♪ ♪" "(Scott groaning)" "I know I'm not supposed to ask any questions, but can I ask what you're looking for?" "Yeah, I need a rock, like, a nice-sized one." "Can I help you look?" "Uh, okay sure." "I mean, uh, if you want to." "Awesome." "(groans)" "First I got to use the bathroom." "You know how my body deals with excitement." "Okay, use the sliding glass door, it's always open." "But hurry up, okay?" "Be right back." "(cell phone chimes)" "Oh, God, I just need a rock." "I hate Southern California!" "No rocks, no dirt, no sticks!" "(huffing)" "Paula, look." "(gasps)" "Oh, my God, babe, it's beautiful." "It's textbook." "It's like the image you get when you Google the word "rock""" "(chuckles) Now what do we do?" "Go, go, go, go, go!" "Go, go!" "Go, go, go, go, go!" "Chuck it!" "What?" "Scott, throw it through the window." "I can't throw it..." "Scott, the boat is sinking." "Throw the rock through the widow!" "(shouts)" "(dogs barking)" " (laughs) - (whoops)" "I can't believe we did that." "Uh, what else can we break?" "Oh, I still got to pee!" "(both laughing)" "So, I just want to let you know I was thinking about it in the car and what if the bad guys felt really bad about what they'd done and-and they and they went and cleaned it up, 'cause I've heard about that happening." "Oh, my gosh, that's..." "I shouldn't be surprised, because that's the way I left it." "Yeah, that's broken glass." "That's a lot of broken glass." "Yeah, that's a legitimate..." "Wow." "It's a legitimate mess." "Well, I mean, this is really creepy." "But at least you're not hurt." "That's the most important thing." "Is it?" "Of course!" "You can always replace a door, but, you know, there's only one Becks." "Oh, well, there's only one Josh Chan." "Actually, there's a lot of Josh Chan's." "There's one in Azusa." "Yeah, I used to play him in soccer." "(both chuckle)" "Wow, um," "I feel really rattled." "I need some wine." "Do you want some wine?" "You know what?" "Sure." " Let's do it." " Great." "Uh, oh, can I have ice in mine?" "Yeah, okay, iced wine." "Coming up." "And then we'll clean up some glass." "Okay." "Oh, yeah, here you go." "Let me get that." "Oh, thank you." "Hey, um," "I feel really safe with you here." "Thank you." "(scoffs) Of course." "It's the least I can do." "Thank you." "Hey." "You know, I'm thinking out loud." "As-as long as we're having wine..." "Oh, cheers, by the way." "Eyes." "There we go." "Um, I'm pretty hungry." "Do-do you want to get some food?" "There's a great fondue place that-that delivers right around the corner." "Sounds great." "I've never had it." "Great." "(laughs) God..." "You've really just turned this night around for me." "Ah..." "You know, I was so scared but now, um," "I just feel like a piece of bread in a warm bath of cheese." "Hmm." "That's fondue." "I'm describing fondue." "Oh, gotcha." "Yeah, I thought it was some kind of soup." "No!" "I'm sorry." "That was confusing." "That was my bad." "(doorbell rings)" "Hmm, that's weird." "I'm not expecting anybody." "Oh, it's probably the cops." "Cops..." "Sorry, hmm?" "Josh?" "You called the cops?" "Of course I did." "No, no, but Josh, Josh," "J-Josh, you know what they say." "Snitches get stitches." "Come on in, Officer." "I got a call about the attempted burglary?" "You know what?" "The-the glass is just smashed." "They smashed the whole door." "Don't worry, I'm here now." "And rest assured, ma'am," "I won't stop till I get to the bottom of this." "(sighs)" "When did the incident occur?" "You know, no idea." "I, uh, it was like this when I got home." "Why didn't you call the police when you first discovered the window?" "I panicked, you know?" "I just, I-I-I freaked out." "And I just, I fled." ""Fled"?" "Yeah, slow down!" "JOSH:" "Okay, okay, just tell him what you know, Becks." "She can't follow if you talk too fast." "Okay." "Whew." "So what happened is my friend, Josh Chan, called you because... he is so protective of me." "Bless him." "But I understand that this is not really worth your time." "And the reason for that" "I will go into right now." "All right, as I look at this crime scene, there appears to be no evidence of theft or any sign that someone entered the apartment at all." "Let's take a closer look at the shards of glass, shall we?" "Now, when I look at these shards of glass, there is also no evidence of secondary compression by a shoe or shoes, to use the plural." "So I think we can safely say that no matter what transpired here, we will never be able to prove a 459." "Josh, that's burglary." "Now, sir, I am a lawyer, as you might've guessed, and I know, looking at the glass breakage here, the most we'll be able to prove is, uh, maybe a 596?" "Josh, that's vandalism." "Now, I know how hard the officers of this city work." "And the last thing I want is for you to work on a bunch of forms tonight." "I mean, those 596 forms, they're a real bitch." "(chuckles) You're not wrong." "Exactly!" "I mean, 23 pages for a nonviolent crime?" "What do I need... a hobby?" "I didn't think so." "So, let's get you out of here." "Let's get you back out on the streets, Officer Rhodes." "Yeah, sorry, Officer." "Or you're welcome to stay for some fondue." "Oh, I wish!" "Love those steak cubes." "Wait a minute, I thought it was cheese." "(laughs)" "Well, now I really need some wine." "Oh, my God." "Me, too." "Hand it over." "Ah, now where were we?" "Oh, right." "Cheers." "(laughs)" "You were great back there." "No, you were." "Mm-mm." "You saved the day." "I never committed a crime before." "Why did I commit a crime again?" "We said no questions, remember?" "Aw, come on, tell me, please?" "No." "Gonna have to try and get it out of me." "Oh." "Where do you keep your answers?" "(laughs)" "I'm sorry." "I know I've been distant lately and... it's not just because I almost had an affair with a hunky industrial real estate tycoon from Tucson." "What?" "It's a long story and nothing happened." "It was just jazz." "Wow, huh." "Well, then I feel a lot better about the fact that I almost slept with Misty from shipping." "Misty?" "Really?" "You know, I can see that." "She has slut face." "(smacks tongue)" "God!" "Father Brah's right." "We've both been major holes, huh?" "God. we really have!" "I am so sorry." "I don't want another man." "I mean, the only thing I've been cheating on you with is..." "Rebecca's love life." "She's so in love, and it-it's just been so intoxicating to witness it in its purest form." "I'm..." "I'm addicted." "Who's she in love with?" "You really want to know?" "Yes, I do." "And we got nothing but time right now." "Okay." "Well, what happened was she was working hard at a New York job making dough, but it made her blue." "One day, she was crying a lot, and so she decided to move to West Covina, California." "Brand new pals, new career." "It happens to be where Josh lives." "Ah." "And that's exactly why she's here." "(laughs) She's a crazy ex-girlfriend." "Wha... ?" "No, she's not." "She's a crazy ex-girlfriend." "That's a sexist term, Scott." "She's a crazy ex-girlfriend." "Okay, just stop talking for a second." "She's so broken inside." "This situation has a lot more nuance than that." "C-R-A-Z-Y!" "I know how to spell, Scott." "She's a crazy ex-girlfriend." "_" "Wow, good thing you brought those gloves." "Oh, yeah, I've got gloves for every situation." "I mean, cleaning, baseball, golfing, uh, driving, go-karts, boxing." "(laughs) You have all the gloves." "No way." "Is that what I think it is?" "Oh, my gosh, what?" "Is it, like, a penny?" "The rock they threw in the window." "Wow, it's, like, a perfect rock." " Like textbook." " Yeah." "♪ Where is the rock ♪" " ♪ Rock ♪ - ♪ That says ever ♪" " ♪ Where is the rock ♪ - ♪ Rock ♪" "♪ That says ever ♪" "♪ If the rock came from inside your house ♪" "♪ That means he has to believe ♪" "♪ That someone broke into your house ♪" " ♪ And then picked up a rock ♪ - ♪ Rock ♪" "♪ And then went outside and threw it through your window ♪" "♪ That would be a super weird crime ♪" "♪ He's not he brightest, but he's not dumb as a rock ♪" " ♪ Rock ♪ - ♪ See what I did there?" "♪" "♪ Oh, my God, he's turning over the rock ♪" "♪ Rock!" "♪" "Hmm." "So this... goes... right here." "This is your rock?" "Wha... ?" "Huh." "That's so Wei..." "It does look like my rock." "That's weird." "Someone threw a rock from inside the house... into your house?" "So, I think I know what happened." "So, the burglar came into the house to steal something, but because I live a very simple life, he didn't find anything to steal." "And in a fit of rage, the burglar was furthermore offended, you know, by the platitudinous inspirational phrases of my rocks because he's had a hard life..." "You know, in order to be a burglar, you would've had to had a hard life." "So-so then in anger, he grabbed one of the rocks and went outside and just to stick it to me threw it through the window." "What-what-what you're talking about doesn't make any sense." "None of this makes sense." "Okay, you're right." "There's got to be another explanation, so let..." "Please, please don't explain." "I don't want to know." "I don't want to know what happened tonight." "And I really don't want to know why you were in my apartment before." "Uh, I got to go." "What?" "No." "Yeah, I got an early day tomorrow." "Josh, I love y..." "I love that you came to my..." "rescue tonight." "(quietly):" "Thank you." "(door closes)" "(knocking)" "Josh." "Josh, I'm sorry..." "You ordered the extra large double dipper?" "The... uh, yeah." "I've got two sets of sticks." "It'll just take me a minute to set up." "We threw in some strawberries and chocolate for that extra bit of romance." "It's all ruined." "People think that, but actually the cheese does not congeal in transit." "If you can get the word out about that, that would really help." "Moments ago, he held me in his arms." "And then just now, he could barely look me in the eye." "All of my dreams may have just been shattered." "So this is not about cheese." "♪ ♪" "ANNOUNCER:" "Ladies and gentleman, please welcome to the stage to sing a song about self-indulgent self-loathing," "Miss Rebecca Bunch!" "(audience cheers, applauds) Thank you!" "Thank you, thank you." "It's so wonderful to be back here, even though I'm here, singing this song, a lot." "(ballad begins)" "♪ Well, Rebecca ♪" " (audience whooping) - ♪ You've done it now... ♪" "Yeah, you guys know this one." "♪ Karma's come to tap you ♪" "♪ On the shoulder ♪" "♪ All that lying that's been festering ♪" "♪ Plus breaking and entering ♪" "♪ Is coming now to crush you ♪" "♪ Like a boulder ♪" "♪ You ruined everything ♪" "♪ You stupid bitch ♪" "♪ You ruined everything ♪" "♪ You stupid, stupid bitch ♪" "♪ You're just a lying little bitch who ruins things ♪" "♪ And wants the world to burn ♪" "♪ Bitch ♪" "♪ You're a stupid bitch ♪" "♪ And lose some weight... ♪" "(audience cheering)" "♪ I was so close to paradise ♪" "♪ But now the only thing I'm close to is defeat ♪" "♪ These shards are a metaphor for my soul ♪" "♪ Won't stop the self-pity 'cause I'm on a roll ♪" "♪ Yes, Josh completes me but how can that be ♪" "♪ When there's no me left to complete?" "♪" "♪ You ruined everything ♪" "♪ You stupid bitch ♪" "Sing with me!" "♪ You ruined everything ♪" "♪ You stupid, stupid bitch... ♪" "Yes, I deserve this!" "♪ You're just a poopy little slut who doesn't think ♪" "♪ And deceives the people she loves ♪" "♪ Now he knows I'm not some innocent lamb ♪" "♪ He sees me for what I am ♪" "♪ Which is a horrible, stupid, dumb and ugly ♪" "♪ Fat and stupid, simple, self-hating ♪" "♪ Bitch!" "♪" "(audience cheers, applauds)" "Whoa." "What happened?" "Rebecca, what's wrong?" "Are you okay?" "No, I'm not." "Do you want to tell me what happened?" "No." "Let me help you." "What can I do?" "Come on, let's get this mess cleaned up and you can tell me what happened." "I'll just..." "Just leave it, I'll get it later." "Can you just stay with me for a little while?" "I..." "I can't be alone right now." "Okay." "(sighs)" "Thank you." "We don't have to stand here." "We can, like, watch TV, you know..." "TV, yeah, sure." "Whatever you want." "Let's just, get this mess cleaned up first." "Okay." "Thank you." "Are you hungry?" "Have you eaten?" "I have some... fondue that's clumping together." "Actually, I am pretty hungry." "Coagulating cheese would really hit the spot." "(snorts)" "(laughs)" "Thank you, Greg." "Somehow, you're always here when I need you." "I..." "Huh." "That has Josh's name on it." "That makes sense." "He was barely here." "I mean, he didn't even eat his food." "And there are two wine glasses, one with ice cubes." "Classic Chan move." "So you were having another cozy date with Valencia's boyfriend and..." "Oh, my God, that's not what happened." "... you guys had some kind of scene, somehow a window broke and look who's cleaning it up?" "I'm literally holding a dustpan and a broom in my hand, cleaning up your mess." "Why are you mad at me?" "I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at myself." "(sighs)" "There are other ways to get out of this building but I walked by your patio." "And my girlfriend is 20 feet through that wall, and I'm standing here." "I gotta go." "Please, Greg..." "I just want someone to be here with me." "Right." ""Someone."" "That's the problem." "Feel better, Bunch." "SCOTT:" "So she's not into Greg?" "No, not at all, but he is really into her, so they keep getting drawn together." "But from what you've said, they might make a good couple." "Maybe she should give him a chance." "No!" "Honey, keep your eyes on the prize, okay?" "Rebecca and Josh have an epic and pure love that spans decades and mountains." "Good point, she did admit she loved Josh after the bus trip." "(gasps) Yes!" "Very good!" "Oh, did I tell you about how I got her invited to Josh's parents' house for Thanksgiving?" "Was that when she got the kiss on the cheek?" "Oh..." "No, no, no, no, that was when they went to the camp." "God, it's so sexy when you listen." "(laughing)" "Thought I might find you here, having your morning mocha loco." "So... what happened?" "You never called me back." "I called you, like, 50 times." "I mean, did Josh just leave or is he on his way?" "Honey, what happened?" "I, um..." "I ruined everything, Paula." "Like... it was a disaster." "You can't even imagine how bad it was." "Well, how?" "I mean, we got the rock through the window before you got home." "I don't want to talk about it." "That's how bad it is." "I-I..." "I just don't even want to talk about it." "Just... okay." "(exhales)" "I ruined everything." "Because that's what I do." "I ruin things." "Okay." "So that's what happened." "Okay." "Okay." "Hey..." "I don't know what happened, and we do not have to talk about it." "Now." "I mean, clearly I'm going to need all the deets later." " Paula..." " But you are... hey." "You are not a ruin-er." "Okay, do you hear me?" "You are the opposite." "You're a-a put-together-er." "Paula, you don't know what you're talking about, and it doesn't even make sense." "Oh, okay, you want to know what you put together-ered?" "My marriage." " What?" " Yes!" "I mean, who knew a little vandalism would be, like, the most amazing foreplay we had ever had?" "!" "I mean, look at this text from Scott." "I mean, look at all these emojis." "He sent me, like, a unicorn and a panda." " Hmm." " And, like, 11 different kinds of hearts." "Oh. (laughing)" "Oh, no, no, don't scroll there." "Oh." "Whoa." "Yeah." "Okay." "Wow." "Sorry." "I'm sorry you had to see that." "No." "You... you go." "Okay, but listen to me." "You and Josh..." "You're on a journey." "Okay?" "So there's gonna be peaks, but there's also gonna be valleys." "And yes, maybe even a long, dry, flat plateau called "my-kids-are-little, don't-touch-me""" "But the valleys are gonna make those peaks even sweeter." "So... take a deep breath." "Look how beautiful it is today." "And know that everything is gonna be okay." "And if it's not, we will make it okay." "I promise you." "Are you sure?" "We will find a way." "Come here." "I swear." "I think I have a UTI." "Harry, did you okay a police escort to get a woman to her ex-boyfriend's house faster?" "Yes, sir, but you have to understand..." "Judge Spenser, that's an unnecessary expenditure, not to mention you put our citizens at risk." "But sir, it was urgent." "It was a text-mergency." "You mean a text-tastrophe?" "Is that what caught on?" "It figures." "Damn it!" "Judge Spenser, why are you getting so upset?" "What's this really about?" "I left my wife for a prostitute. (crying)"