"Look, Jennifer, it's not that I don't want to go with you Saturday... it's just that I've got this prior commitment." "I'm donating a kidney." "Look, but don't tell anybody." "Well, 'cause then everybody'll want one." "Look, if the deal falls through, I'll let you know." "Okay, all right, bye-bye." "You turned down a date with Jennifer Miller?" "Jennifer "Wonder Buns" Miller?" "Hey, my attraction to women is not entirely based on physical beauty." "Yeah, they gotta be stupid, too." "Mike, I thought you liked Jennifer." "Yeah, but she wants me to do something I'd never do in a million years." "What?" "Read a book?" "No, worse, she wants me to go to her sister's wedding... and go ballroom dancing." "As God is our witness, they can't make our baby do this." "Okay, fine, fine." "You guys go ahead and laugh... but Michael Seaver is not gonna make a fool of himself in front of 200 people." "Yeah, you're used to a much bigger crowd." "Mike, there are advantages to ballroom dancing." "You know, you actually get to touch your partner... hand to hand, cheek to cheek... everything else to everything else." "Oh, Jason!" "And if you're a real cool guy, and you learn all the moves, Mike... well, the right guy and the right moves... can absolutely make the right woman... melt." "There are more moves, but they require a motel room." "Not so." "Observe." "The French dip." "There are more moves, but they require gravy." "Yeah, Jennifer, Mike." "Look, the deal fell through." "I don't know." "Apparently, there's a real glut on the world kidney market." "Yeah, so we're on for the wedding." "Yeah, and I'll bring the gravy." "Never mind, it's a dancing term." "Yeah, okay, bye-bye." "All right, Mike." "All right, Dad." "You know, I'm gonna make her melt." "I have never seen "Wonder Buns" melt before." "Wait a minute." "I don't even know how to dance." "That's all right, no problem." "Come on over here and give it a try." "Not with me, with your mother." "What you try to do is you try to..." " glide, two, three." " Glide." "Glide." "That's it!" "I've had it." "A man can only take so much." "Something wrong, Ben?" "The new coach and his stupid son, Rodney." "The kid tripped me three times today with his stick." "Next practice, that kid is gonna be sucking the puck." "Now, I don't want to hear that, Ben." "If you have a problem with one of your teammates... fighting is not the answer." "Ben, what are you doing?" "Pumping milk." "Hey, it worked for Schwarzenegger." "And one." "And two." "And three." "Now wait a minute." "Did you try telling the coach that Rodney tripped you?" "The coach saw the whole thing." "Now come on." "You mean to tell me... that the coach actually told Rodney to play dirty?" "He tells all the kids to play dirty." "That's why he hates me." "It's common knowledge, I'm a finesse player." "Well, that's it, Ben." "I was afraid this hockey thing was going to be too rough." "Jason, I think he should quit the team." "No, Maggie, that's not fair to Ben." "Just because the coach is out of line, you can't make him quit." "I'll go down to the next practice..." "I'll meet the guy, and we'll talk it all over... if that's okay with you, Ben." "Yeah, thanks, Dad." "And while you keep the coach busy talking..." "I'll go and skate over Rodney's face." "Come on, girls, this is hockey, not a square dance." "I want to see some contact out there." "Remember, just 'cause you're wearing skates doesn't mean you can't kick." "All right?" "Hello." "Hi, I'm Jason Seaver." "Coach Brockton." "How are you?" "That's my boy, Ben, out there, number seven." "Yeah, he could use another 40 pounds." "Well, no problem." "I'll get him started on steroids right away." "Good, I like to see the parents get involved." "Kelly!" "Kelly, you should've passed off." "That's gonna cost you." "Sure, make him skate a few extra laps after practice, huh?" "Do you have change for $5, Coach?" "What are you talking about, change?" "You missed the open man." "That is $5." "Take a lap." "You're fining these kids?" "Hey, that is not a first-time offender." "Too bad they outlawed the death penalty." "Yeah." "Carmello, you call that a check?" "My wife hit harder on our honeymoon." "Who'd you marry, Wayne Gretzky?" "You calling me a homosexual?" "No, but I do think your coaching methods are a little offensive." "Hey, I never had a losing season, buddy." "Well, congratulations, buddy... but I think what's important for these kids is they learn something... they have a little fun." "Not win, win, win, at all costs." "That's how we lost Vietnam." "You're a wimp, Seaver." "Oh, really?" "Well, you know what you are?" "Yeah?" "You're taking a lot of sublimated anger and you're displacing it on these kids." "You sound like you've been to one of them wussy shrinks." "I am one of them wussy shrinks." "I mean, I'm a psychiatrist." "Just because you're a little self-absorbed and narrow-minded..." "Hey, who are you calling self-absorbent?" "You better be ready to back that up, pal!" "Keep your hands off me." "Okay?" "Hit him, Dad." " Ben, that's not the way mature people..." " Mature nothing." " Glide, two, three." "Right." " Glide, two, three." " Glide, two, three." "Glide, two, three." " Glide, two, three." "Glide, two, three." "Mike, that's the fifth time in the last half hour." "Hey, I'm getting better." "Good, then let's call it a night." "I've got an article to finish." "Come on, Mom." "The wedding's tomorrow night." "I need to practice." "Honey, you're doing fine." "Besides, I've gotta change the bandages on my feet." "Come on, I barely broke the skin." "You know, I often wonder, what's more beautiful?" "The glimmering stars on a clear night... or this face?" "Forget it." "I'm not dancing with you." "Come on, Carol." "I'm not gonna step on your feet." "You stepped all over Mom's." "Carol, the woman has huge feet... and just between you and me, Mom can't dance." "You're such a jerk." "You're right." "I am." "No, no, really, I am... and that's why I'm so incredibly fortunate... to have a sister who's not just a sister... but, well, a saint." "That's why I think I'll call you..." "Saint Sister Carol, no Sister Saint Carol." "No, I got it, Carol Saint Sister, because, after all, Carol, you are..." "All right, all right." "I'd rather lose a foot than listen to this." "Okay, ready?" "And glide, two, three." "Glide, two, three." "Glide, two, three..." "Hey, this is sort of neat." "Whoa, Carol, what are you doing?" "Dancing." "Carol, this is not interpretive dancing." "This is ballroom dancing." "The man is supposed to lead." "The woman is supposed to be limp, okay?" "Whatever you say." "Okay, try it again." "And glide, two, three." "Glide..." "Come on, Carol, this isn't limp." "It's dead." "Just following your lead." "Okay, let's try it again." "Glide, two, three." "Glide..." "Hey, Mike, you're doing better." "Glide, two, three..." "Well, I think that'll be it for today, Carol." "Ben, how did it go?" "It was unbelievable!" "Hi, honey." "I'm home." "Jason, what happened?" "Well, I guess you could say Coach Brockton and I had... a brief, but meaningful, exchange of ideas." "And fists!" "Dad whooped him good!" "All right, Dad." "Jason, you mean you actually got in a fight with the coach?" "Well, he took a swing at me, Maggie." "I had to defend myself." "Well, I better get some ice for that eye." "Mike, you should have seen it." "Pow!" "Bang!" "Boom!" "Brockton never had a chance!" "And we're here at ringside with Jason "the Animal" Seaver... and along with us at ringside is the Animal's manager..." "Benjamin "Bugsy" Seaver." "Tell us, Bugsy, how did you get the champ's blood boiling for today's bout?" "I showed him his oldest son's report card." "Well, Animal, what's next?" "Well, I want Holmes... and then I want Norton, and then I want Kramden." "And then I'm going to retire to pursue psychiatry, full-time." "Jason, you're going to make the kids think fighting is a good thing." "You're right." "I'll talk to them." "Boys, what I did today was reprehensible." "Fighting is not the best way to solve your problems." "I want that to be clear." "Thank you." "Maggie, I just don't think I should have to spend another... 24 hours making excuses for what happened yesterday." "You can't, because there is no excuse." "You fought like a barbarian, and then you gloated like a child." "You're a baby-barbarian." "I see, so you're saying by that one incident..." "I'm turning our son into another Rambo." "Hi, honey." "I'm home." "Oh, my God." "Come on, Ben." "Sit down." "Tell us exactly what happened." "Right." "I was sitting in the cafeteria... eating my Salisbury steak, mashed potatoes... and something that looked like either broccoli or astroturf." "Ben, the fight." "Yeah, that's when Rodney Brockton walked over... and pulled me out of my chair." "Rodney Brockton." "Yeah." "I said, "Rodney, I don't know what makes me sicker..." ""you or this lunch."" "Then I did what Jason "the Animal" Seaver would have done." "I gave him a knuckle sandwich." "Well, Animal, are you proud of yourself?" "No, Maggie." "I'm not proud." "Ben, is Rodney okay?" "Yeah, Miss Finkle came and broke it up... but tomorrow at high noon, we meet under the monkey bars... and only one of us makes it to the fourth grade." "Well, I've had enough of this." "I'm going down to talk to Brockton myself." "No." "No, Maggie." "I started this whole thing... so I guess it's time that I showed Ben how a real man fights his battles." "All right, Dad!" "Come on, Ben." "Now let's say you're mixing it up in the corner." "The ref isn't looking." "What do you do?" " Rodney, demonstrate." " Okay, Dad." "Perfect." "Now in a game, you make sure you follow that up with a punch." "Excuse me, Coach, but isn't this illegal?" "This is hockey, kid." "You want legal, go to law school." " Take a lap." " Yes, sir." "Okay, so who makes the first move?" "I do, you just follow my lead." "Gotcha." "Dad, look who's here." "What are you doing here, Seaver?" "Your kid was cut from the team." "Well, Coach, I'd like to talk to you." "I know I said some pretty insulting things the other day... and, today, there's something else I'd like to say." "Might I suggest, "Drop dead, chicken lips"?" "Ben, let me handle this." "Mr. Brockton, I'm sorry." "I came to apologize." "No way, Seaver." "I owe you one." "Come on." "Look, I didn't come here to fight." "I didn't mean to say or do anything to offend you." "You said I was married to Wayne Gretzky!" "Now I'm not gonna take that, Seaver." "Look, I didn't mean to say, seriously, that you were married to Wayne Gretzky." "So you're saying we lived in sin?" "I didn't mean to imply that you had any relationship whatsoever..." "I get it." "So now Wayne is too good for me, huh?" "No, I'm not talking..." "Look, if you're just..." "If you just want another excuse to fight..." "I don't need any excuses." "Come on." "How come your dad isn't rolling up his sleeves?" "Once he starts flexing those muscles, his shirt pops off by itself." "It's rematch time, Seaver." "Now you want me to start it, I'll start it." "Okay, you want to hit me, go ahead." "Fine, hit me." "I'm not worried about me." "I'm not worried about you." "It's these kids." "If we can't teach our children that fighting is not the answer, then we have failed... as parents and as human beings." "So you can hit me, or you can shake my hand." "Choice is yours." "Seaver..." "Now, belt him, Dad!" "Yeah, that's right, wuss." "Come on, show the kid what you're really made out of." "Come on, Ben." "We're going home." "What?" "Hey, Mike, you better get a move on." "Jennifer's going to be here in 10 minutes." "Oh, my God." "I still have to shower... and shave." "Gee, it's another month already?" "And glide, two, three." "Glide, two, three." "Glide, two, three." "Glide, two, three." "Oh, my God." "I've got a zit." "There is a God." "Hi, Ben." "I need a drink." "Jason, what happened?" "Well, Coach Brockton called me a wimp... and then he punched me as hard as he could in the stomach." "Now comes the rough part of the evening." "Ben, Ben, milk is not the answer." "I can't believe you chickened out today." "Now hold on right there." "A lot of kids would get spanked for that." "Sure, hit me." "Okay." "Hey, I was just trying to make a point." "Yeah, so you think I should have fought with Coach Brockton today, huh?" "He slugged you, Dad." "Yeah, and because he slugged me, I guess I should've slugged him right back?" "You gotta admit, there's a certain logic to it." "Ben, do you remember how this whole thing got started?" "Rodney tripped me." "Rodney tripped you, and that's why I went down to talk to the coach... and we ended up punching each other up." "Now did that solve anything?" "No, but it was fun to watch." "Yeah, and because I fought with the coach... the very next day, you and Rodney slug it out." "Did that solve anything?" "No, that's why we went down there today." "Okay, so suppose I had punched him back... would that have solved anything?" "Yeah, because he would have had two broken arms, two broken legs... a fat lip, and he wouldn't be coaching anymore." "No, he wouldn't be coaching anymore... but he'd go out and he'd get one of those electric wheelchairs... and he'd show up on our front lawn with a shotgun." "Two can play at that game, Dad." "Ben, we don't have an electric wheelchair." "No, but we could get a machine gun... and blow Mr. Brockton away, like in Rambo." "Okay, all right, all right." "Let's say we do that." "All right, we won!" "You think you've won... and then you're back at home, and you're taking a shower... and you're getting ready for bed, and suddenly along comes..." "Mrs. Brockton." "Into our shower?" "No, into our living room... and she brings her own machine gun... and she wipes out Mom and Carol." "And then what do we do?" "Well, for one thing, we cook for ourselves and..." "Come on, Ben, don't you want to get even?" "Yeah, we trade in the Volvo and get a tank." "Yeah, that's good." "Good, Ben, and then I hop into that tank... and I motor over to the Brocktons, and I blow them all away." "All right!" "But wait, Ben, they booby-trapped the front lawn." "I'm sorry to hear that, Dad." "So just as I'm pulling away... that tank and your father get blown to Connecticut." "Oh, my gosh." "So you see what I'm getting at." "Yeah, I've been left alone with Mike." "No, because while you were brushing your teeth..." "Rodney's cousins came and took care of Mike." "They got Mike, too." "So I'm all alone?" "Weird, isn't it?" "Just a few days ago you had a family, a house, a Volvo." "Now all you've got left are your subscriptions to Boys' Life magazine... and a few faded memories." "But, hey, it was worth it, wasn't it?" "'Cause we didn't chicken out." "No, sir, we fought back." "You remember how this got started again?" "Rodney tripped me." "Yes, Rodney." "Well, we won't have him to worry about anymore." "Guess we found a pretty good way to solve your problem." "No, we didn't, Dad." "It was a stupid way." "I need another drink." "Want one?" "Sure, set 'em up." "So I guess you really didn't chicken out today, huh?" "No, I didn't chicken out, Ben." "I just feel that most of the time, fighting is not the answer... and that, whenever possible, we really must try to find a better way." "I'll drink to that." "You know what, Dad?" "What, Ben?" "I'm glad you didn't get blown to Connecticut." "So am I." "How you doing, guys?" "Pretty good, Mom." "Ah, that must be Jennifer." "Poor girl, she has no idea what Mike's gonna do to her feet tonight." "Jennifer, what a neat dress." " Come on in." " Thanks." "Oh, my God." "Open-toed shoes!" "Pardon?" "Never mind." " Hi, Jennifer." "Don't you look pretty." " Very nice." "Let me take a picture." "Jennifer." "Mike, you look so handsome." "Yeah, just like that waiter at the fish restaurant." "Mike, I got terrible news." "The wedding's off." "What?" "My sister caught the groom in the confessional with her maid of honor." "She broke the whole thing off." "After all I've been through?" "How could she do this to me?" "We call him Mr. Sensitivity." "Jennifer, we can't let this happen." "I want you to go over here and call your sister right now... and talk some sense into that girl before she throws her life away." "Mike, it's no use." "It's all over." "I'm just asking you to call her." "I can't do that." "Hey, maybe she could marry somebody else." "Mike!" "Okay, okay, fine." "Okay, come here." "What?" "Just come here." "Mike, I'm really not in the mood for this." "Somebody give me the phone." "Maggie, I think we might have created a monster." "You're looking good out there, Ben." "I feel like a new man since Coach Brockton got the boot." "Uh-oh, here comes the coach." "It's five laps for talking with the fans." "Show off!" "All right, come on, you guys." "Let's get together here." "First game's tomorrow." "Let's go." " What are we gonna do?" " Try hard!" "And how are we gonna play?" "In a sportsmanlike manner!" " And what if we don't win?" " You'll kill us!" "How do I mean that?" "Facetiously!" "English"