"Did he say what it was about?" "No." "And I tried to get him to tell me." "He said he'd only speak to you." "I've got the Weeks coming in." "They're fighting over the Nantucket house again." "He says he'll only speak to you." "Dwight." "How are you?" "Oh, not good, Shirley." " Why?" " Jeanie is leaving me." "What?" "Why?" "And she's trying to have the marriage annulled." "That's ridiculous, not to mention impossible." "You've been married over 20 years." "She just wants it all erased... as if- as if never existed, I guess." "Why?" "What's gotten into her?" "Well, it's more what I've gotten into, I suppose." " I strayed." " You?" "Well, I" " I can't pretend I'm not shocked." "Even so, infidelity isn't grounds for annulment." "There's something you're not telling me." "I stayed with Wendy." " You've met Wendy." " Wendy." "Your... cow?" "We became very close." "One night I'd had a bit to drink, I suppose." "Jeanie and I had been a little estranged, and" "You strayed... with livestock?" "It's not what you think." "It was all very loving." "I know Jeanie." "She's going to tee and make me out a big sick." " Gee!" " Obviously I made a mistake." "But I've been a good husband for 23 years... a deacon at our church, a model philanthropist... a respected professor at a major university, town selectman even." "You sleep with one cow- puff!" "Please don't make sport and don't make light." "Please don't make sport and don't make light." "I don't want to lose my wife." "You cannot turf this one to me." " Oh, but I can." " Shirley!" "Look, I can defend almost anyone against almost anything... but growing up I had a cow." " You?" " Not sexually." "As a pet." "Bumpy." "I had dogs, cats, a tree frog." "But Bumpy" "I cherished that animal." "To think what Dwight" "I can't go there, Denise." " What makes you think I can?" " You're being asked to." "The name of this firm is Crane, Poole  Schmidt." "I'm Schmidt." "Shirley, please, I am begging you." "Someone's got to do it, Denise." "Can't be me." "Denny Crane." "I don't know why I'm here." "Denny Crane." "I've been summoned." "Denny Crane." "Denny Crane." "Denny Crane." "Trial date is set for December the second." "We will conference a week from today." "Denny Crane." "Who the hell called and why?" " Oh, Denny Crane." " Ah, Mr. Crane." " Recall lessel, would you, please?" " Document number 166253." "Commonwealth versus Ronald Jessel." "Mr. Crane, you've been assigned to represent one of our indigent defendants." " Thank you for coming in." " No can do, Judge." " I beg your pardon?" " Indigent are poor." "Hate the poor." "Can't pay." "Mr. Crane, this isn't a request." "It's a court order." "Unless you think that senior partners are exempt from civic duty?" " Was it a hooker?" "I can do hookers." " I tm's a murder case." "Your client is right there." "Defense pleads guilty." "We accept the district attorney's recommendation for sentencing." "Denny Crane." "Come back here this instant, or you will be held in contempt, sir." " What did you just say?" " You will meet your client." "You will return here this afternoon to enter your plea... and you will give him adequate representation." "He allegedly killed a 13-year-old girl, hence the presence of the media." "He'll get high-profile representation as well." "Go." "Hope you die." "Denny Crane." "Hey, kid." "Front and center." "Bet you'd lick my shoes for a murder case, wouldn't you, kid?" " Oh, I would, sir." " 'Cause I like you, you don't have to lick 'em." " Just dust 'em with your sleeve." " Yes, sir!" "We can't have a clown waxing on about G8 and world issues." "For God's sake, it's a children's show." " When did you fire him?" " Friday." "He filed for the T. R. O. yesterday." "Look, this could be a public relations nightmare." "He's the only Zozo the station's ever had." " May I help you ladies?" " We're here for the assistant's position." "Hmm." "Congratulations." "You're hired." "Thank you all." " Let's go inside." " Alan, you can't just do that." " You have to at least interview." " Why?" "I have a very strong feeling about this one." " Can you type?" " Some." "See?" "What happened to Shirley?" "Shirley likes to assign cases to the hot hand, and right now I'm hot." "I've known her since we were kids." "I mean, she knows me." "That's why I" "Which is exactly why you should be with someone else." "Shirley could be too close to see things objectively." "It's Bumpy, isn't it?" "I had such a crush on that cow." "That doesn't make me gay." "Mr. Biddle, have you, um, gotten counseling for this?" "Yes." "Yes." "I'm" " I'm working on it." "Look, Jeanie married me for better or worse, right?" "And for 20-plus years, it's been a great marriage." "I still love her." "I don't want to lose her." "Defense enters a plea of not guilty." "At this time, we would like to be heard on bail." "Hold unjust a second." "Where is Denny Crane?" "I'm an attorney from Crane, Poole Schmidt,sir." "I'mappearingonh" "I didn't assign this case to Crane, Poole  Schmidt." "I assigned it to Denny Crane, counsel." "Where is he?" "He's back at the norm, sir." "I asked him to do a little research." " Are you making awoke in my courtroom, counsel?" " No, sir." "Step up here, counsel." "Have you ever tried a case before, counsel?" "I won my moot court competition at Suffolk, sir." " Turn around." " What are you going to do?" "I asked you to turn around." "I see members of the media here." "Some of you have video cameras." "I invite you to point them this way." "We like to think that all are entitled to a fair trial in this county... that we have an advocacy system about truth." "But the real truth- the ugly one- is that the indigent get anything but fairness." "On this side, we have a district attorney... with SO homicide trials under his belt." "And here, representing the accused... we have a boy who won his moot court competition in law school." "This is how it is, people." "The poor get the lawyers who can't get real clients of their own." "We have a system where the State matches the best and the brightest... against defense attorneys coming out of a pool... of inexperience and incompetence." "It is an insult to our notion of democracy." "It makes a mockery of criminal justice." "I will not indulge a mockery in my courtroom." "Turn around, counsel." "Put one arm behind your back as if it were tied." "Now, stand on one leg... as if your client barely has a leg to stand on with you as his counsel." "Now, you hop on out of here." "Tell Denny Crane if he doesn't show up to represent his client... he will bewailed." "Hop!" "Now!" "Clown goes up first." "Why don't you take him?" "Do you have a real name on this guy?" "Yeah." "Robert Berrien." "But he's been Zoo for 13 years." "I figure I'll take our client on direct." "This is at-will employment?" "Yes." "But the discharge has to be in good faith." "He was up for a big contract bump, so my bet is they're going to argue pretext." "Excuse me." "Could I steal Alan for one second?" "We're in a meeting, Melissa." "Oh." "Yeah." "It's-It's just I started thinking." "I think the high of getting the job kind of" "It just hit me- um, the criterion on which I was hired." "And now that I am hired, I just thought that I should be clear." "I will not be objectified." "I will not be ogled." "If am, I write you up." "No touching, no double entendres, no comments on what I'm wearing." "If get any of that, I write you up." "I'm your assistant, not your subordinate." "You cross that line, I" " I write you up." "Follow the rules, we should- we should get along fine." "That's all." "I told you to interview." "I will not indulge a mockery in my courtroom." "Turn around, counsel." "Now, stand on one leg... as if your client barely has a leg to stand on with you as his counsel." "Now, you hop on out of here." "Tell Denny Crane if he doesn't show up to represent his client, he will bewailed." " Hop!" "Now!" " That was the scene at the courthouse this morning." "Channel 8's own legal analyst, Martin Tupper, said he's never seen anything" "Channel 8's own legal analyst, Martin Tupper, said he's never seen anything" "Adjudge says to hop, you do it?" "All right, Denny." "You obviously need to take over this case." " We can send Alan in as backup." " I don't need a backup." " Denny!" " I can handle this case." "I can handle this judge." "A homicide, right?" "Homicide and rape." "Mister Rogers, Sesame Street, Thomas the Tank Engine, The Magic School Bus." "Oh, you name it." "All the top children's entertainers are educators." " You never said he'd be in costume." " Always, in public." "But, Mr. Berrien, why global warming?" "Mainly because it's possibly the number-one threat to this planet... and our county's doing almost nothing." "Can you do the cross?" "Even so, uh... none of this seems funny, and you're a clown." "Global warming could result in a rising sea level... that could make a huge part of the world uninhabitable." "We as Americans have a responsibility." "The U. S. makes up four percent of the world's population... but we produce 2SM of the carbon dioxide pollution." "Most of any county." "The United States is the leading cause of global warming." "We need to take a leading role in finding the solution." "Let's go." "You're up." " You go." " What?" "No questions, Your Honor." "What are you doing?" "If you want to cross-examine him, Brad, you do it." " What's going on?" " Nobody ever said he'd be in costume." "I'm afraid of clowns." "How can anybody be afraid of a clown?" " Keep your voice down!" " Now his testimony goes uncontested." " You could've crossed." " I didn't prep a cross." " What's going on?" " He's afraid of clowns!" "I am not." "It was strategy." "Hey!" " Any calls?" " Not really." "Afraid of clowns, huh?" " You cannot enter a plea of guilty." " Why not?" "Is it your intent, sir, to plead guilty to these crimes?" "Um, no, sir." "You're not going to take his word for it, are you?" "Come on, Judge." " If he'd murder, he'd lie." " Step up here, Mr. Crane." "Yes." "Oh, my God." "You can stop trying to get yourself off the case, counsel." "That isn't going to happen." "Look, Judge, I can't defend a man who raped and murdered a 13-year-old girl." " Somebody's got to do it." " Why me?" "Because I said so." " Which brings me to my second issue." " Which is?" "You're a douche bag." "I don't do well with douche bags." "That won't work either." "You will tee this case." "All you will accomplish with this unfettered insolence... is avail sentence for contempt after you've tried this case." "Do I make myself clear, Mr. Crane?" "Hmm?" "Hmm?" "I can understand that she's horrified, but to annul a marriage" "Your Honor, it is so aberrant." "It is such an abomination." "It is so abhorrent." " And she's just on the "A" words." " Let's go to "B" then." "Bestiality." "Is not, never has been grounds for annulment." "M" " Mrs. Biddle, why erase the whole marriage?" "Because it was never real." " He was always in love with her." " The cow?" "Over the last 1 O years orzo... sometimes when we'd been together- which was never a lot- he'd call out her name" " Wendy." "And before her, there was another cow." " Another cow?" " Queenlier." "I never caught them, but I saw the way he looked at her." "And he would call out her name too... and then tee to cover by saying I was his queen." "This marriage is not real... and it hurts." "Mr. Biddle, I need to hear from you." "Why?" "Because I do." "It's shocking." "Tomorrow you will sit in that witness chair and tell me why..." "I shouldn't annul this union you've so disgraced." "See, if you request another lawyer, the judge then" "I isn't requesting' nothing'." "You have to." "We don't get along." "I like you just fine." "You're a big lawyer with big suck." "You're just what I need." "Look, I can't bring myself to defend a man who killed a 13-year-old girl." "Oh, come on, man." "Probably did her a favor." " What did you say?" " I got Al DS, Denny Crane." "She could've had a lot of suffering ahead 'cause I really went to town." "You know what I mean?" "She's probably lucky I ended it quick." "If you really have Al DS, there could be other psychological defenses available to us." " Yeah." " Like, uh, traumatic distress." " Insanity perhaps." " Mm-hmm." " On the other hand" " What the" "It was an accident." " Topside." " Freeze!" "Drop it!" "He came at me." "I feared for my life." "He should probably get new counsel." "Thank you." "When's the arraignment?" "Paul's tying to head it off." "Hmm." "Denny, for God's sake." "You know, Alan, I'm old... and I'm not going to spend what time I have left... not even a day... defending child rapist killers." "I'd rather go to jail myself." "I hear you're afraid of clowns." "First time in my professional career I actually froze." "What happened?" "When I was three years old... my mother put some decorative, hideous... clown face in my room." "It so terrified me..." "I'd wet my bed... too afraid to pass him on the way to the bathroom." "When I was eight, I was again terrorized... by a clown at the parade- the very same face." "I wet myself right there in the street." "And today, the same face again." "I didn't dare get up for fear..." "I'd leave a puddle right in the courtroom." "You do have issues, don't you?" "Denny, this is serious." "You could be looking at real jail time." " Dwight, have you sought professional help?" " Yes." "My therapist, he said the genesis of my infatuation... could've been the unconditional adoration and acceptance I get from" " Wendy." " Yes." "And didn't your therapist also tell you... your love for your wife Jeanie is in play here?" " Yes." " Could you elaborate?" "Well, Jeanie looks a little like a cow." "You see?" "I fell in love with Wendy because she reminded me of you." "I won't insult you, Scott, by condoning Denny's actions." " Self-defense." " But a district attorney" "And I know you know this because I taught you." "A district attorney should not bring a case... when he lacks a good-faith belief of conviction." " Zero." " Even if you could refute self-defense" " Can't." " nonjury is going to convict him of wounding a man... who raped and strangled a 13-year-old girl." "What message are you asking me to send, Paul?" "If crime is popular enough, don't prosecute?" "You haven't got evidence." "It's Denny's word against the child rapist's." " Feared for my life." " And since you broached the topic of popularity... you want to make attorney general, Scott." "One needs public support to accomplish that." "How popular do you think you'll be if you prosecute Denny Crane?" "Denny Crane." "It's a children's show, for God's sake." "He's a clown, and he's waxing on about the end of the world." " Did you talk to him?" " Overhand overhand over." "He said he had a social responsibility." "My God, we had viewers clicking over to Aaron Brown for a laugh." "Our show became preachy, unfunny." "Ratings started to reflect it, and we simply had to get a new clown." "Zoo talked about 9/11?" " Yes, to help children cope." " The Columbine shootings?" "Many times he discussed tragic current events." "So, you're firing him for discussing serious subject matter... when he's done so in the past with your approval?" "There is a line." "Telling our viewers the planet is about to become extinct crosses it." "After he told the kids to ask their parents about hybrid cars... that's when he got fired, wasn't it?" " This has nothing to do with" " WKNW is owned by an oil and gas company." "Nothing to do with our parent company." "He wasn't funny." "We needed a funny clown." "How's it going?" "I'm sitting here trying to come up with a closing to defend bestiality." " That's how it's going." " You don't have to defend it so much as" " What's this?" " Research." "Do you realize that studies show 1 OM to 30M of sexually active adults... have fantasized or had some form of encounter with an animal?" "Denise, I" "A" " Are we ready?" "All set." "You don't have to treat me like a leper, Shirley." "I don't have a disease." "Dwight, you're my friend, and I will tee to stand by you through this... but let's not pretend you don't have a serious illness." " There are worse things than loving an animal." " Really?" "Name three." "You know, I was never going to tell you this." "When you were 13 and your parents sent Bumpy away... it wasn't to some greener pasture where he'd be happier, like they told you." "Bumpy went to a slaughterhouse!" "And then he returned to your freezer!" "You ate him, Shirley." "So don't get so high and mighty with me." "You ate your precious Bumpy!" "Why should I have to close?" " Why should I have done everything else?" " Exactly." "You've got a connection going that..." "I lack." "Why are you afraid of clowns, really?" "Because they're evil." "And it simply isn't right... for parents to tell their children to just... trust them so." "Did a clown ever..." "do anything to you?" "No!" "They're just... evil." "Alan, you need to close." "first, you have a better grip on this whole global warming issue... which I tend to dismiss as" "Fuzzy math." "And second, at some point... every man- even the half-evolved kind- needs to confront his fears." "You need to stand up and deliver this closing." "Will the clown be there?" "look over here, sir!" "Animal rights activists are obviously very upset... though it should be noted there is no evidence that the cow ever complained." "Your client's behavior doesn't shock you, counsel?" "Of course it does." "But sex with animals?" "It's hardly a new concept." "Greek literature is full obit." "So is art." "Chagall, Picasso, Rembrandt- they've all depicted it." "To this day, men still dream of mermaids." "And what woman hasn't had a friend... with a half-man half-bull fantasy?" "Your Honor, I need you to listen." "Look, if you intend to romanticize the idea" "Shakespeare already did that in A Midsummer Night's Dream." "So did Yeats in his famous poem, "Leda and the Swan. "" ""How can these terrified, vague fingers... push the feathered glory from her loosened thighs?"" " Lord love a duck." " So did Leda." "And who can forget King Kong and fairway?" "And where did Stuart Little come from?" "Sex with a cow is outrageous." "tat's gross." "And it's every bit as shocking as the plaintiff contends... but it is not grounds for annulment." "And if you suddenly declare that it is, watch out... because there vowel may be more of this out there... than any of us want to believe." "He cheated on his wife." "She's entitled to a divorce." "But bestiality is not and never has been grounds for annulment." "By the way, in some states it's not even expressly outlawed." "Of course, she's humiliated and feeling disgraced." "But that doesn't change the fact- they had a marriage." "None of this is to say we believe in Mr. Crane's innocence." "We don't." "But we have to face reality." "We lack a good-faith belief of securing a conviction." "We're therefore declining to make an arrest at this time." "Personally, I am disgusted by his conduct... and I will report his actions to the Board of Bar Overseers." "The puts." " You ought to be happy." " I'm not happy." " He insulted me on live television." " You dodged a bullet, Denny." "And took one right in the ass." "The puts." "He had incorporated many serious subjects into his programs... all with the station's approval." "But when he moved on to global warming, carbon dioxide pollution... he suddenly had to be stopped?" "Because he was suddenly less funny?" "No." "Because the station was owned by Glob co Oil." "This discharge was wrongful." "It was in bad faith." "My client has built this company's fortunes for 13 years being Zoo." "It is his livelihood." "He's perhaps the most popular clown in this county." "And this court should issue a T. R. O. to stop this outrageous travesty of justice." "I could be wrong, but a clown's main job is to be funny." "Global warming is not." "Your Honor, the arctic polar ice cap... is declining at the rate of nine percent per decade." "We're talking about a rising sea level... that could wipe out huge pieces of the world's landmass." "More importantly, us." "Massachusetts, California, our coastlines." "That simply isn't funny... unless, of course, you live in Nevada." "Don't get me wrong." "Millions of Americans go to sleep at night... praying that the nation's number-one clown... will finally start caring about global warming... but this is a children's entertainment show." "And let me ask you... if our own government is allowed to edit and alter scientific findings... if it can control the information flow on this subject... why then shouldn't a private television station... get to enjoy that same freedom?" "You're a clown." "Be funny." "Global warming is not." "In 3S years, Denny, I have never forbidden you to do anything!" " Don't start now." " I will call the partners together right now!" " What's going on?" " He'_ going on!" "Lary in." " What?" " Tonight." "He's catching the 7:" "OO shuttle." " You can't be serious." " Why does everybody insist I can't be serious?" "The district attorney slathered me on live television." " I think you mean "slandered. "" " Well, I'll have the last word." "Listen to me!" "They could still bring charges if you say something to incriminate yourself." "Give me some credit, will you, Paul?" "Credit?" "You shot out your client's kneecaps!" "The public needs to hear from Denny Crane!" "TiVo me, will you?" "Please God, have mercy." "How could you not stop him?" "We tried to stop him." "We tried to get you to stop him." "Larry King." "Alan, judge is back with a ruling." "Let's go." " Tonight?" " Come on." "Can't you go by yourself?" "It's just a ruling." "You're doing this." "Disgusting." "Regrettably, this fetish with animals may be more prevalent than we'd like to think." "And it's a slippery slope." "Many women derive sexual pleasure from riding on a horse." "Sick." "But we can't just go around annulling marriages every time Debbie goes for canter." "Gross." "I'm afraid your only legal recourse, Mrs. Biddle... is divorce." "Sick!" "We're adjourned." " Congratulations." " Thank you." "I may have manifested my love for you in ways... that brought you shame, perhaps revulsion, but I do love you." "And, uh, love is hard enough to find, Jeanie... without attaching a lot of restrictions." ""A lot of restrictions"?" "It's not like I set a lot of ground rules." "But limiting yourself to a- a single species is one of them." " Our species, Dwight." " I broke it off." "I'm going to get rid other." "I think I'd like to sell the whole farm, move to the city... outside offal temptation." " You broke it off?" " Yes." "You're never going to see her again?" "I promise." "We/combed_ to Larry King Live." "And with me now is Denny Crane, the legendary Boston attorney... who just yesterday... apparently opened fire on his own client." " It was self-defense." " You're kidding." "Self-defense." "You're not really asking people to believe that." "Larry, it's a crime to shoot people... even child-raping, murdering schmucks like my client was and still is." "Okay." "But clearly, you're not saying if defendant is repugnant enough, fair game... you're entitled as a criminal defense attorney to shoot someone?" " No, no, no, no, no." "Self-defense." " Come on." "But even if did simply choose to shoot him- which I didn't because it's against the law- so what?" " So what?" " Larry, you know what the real problem is?" "Too many criminals get away with it." "We got hundreds of thousands of unsolved murders in this county." "So what you're saying is it's okay for defense lawyers to take the law into their own hands?" "No!" "Come on." "You know what's going to happen to this child rapist, murdering scum?" "Ashcroft" " God bless him- he's going to swoop in... and he's going to transfer this case to the federal court so we can impose the death penalty." "and he's going to transfer this case to the federal court so we can impose the death penalty." "Denny, Ashcroft is no longer the attorney general." "Well, whatever." "The Spanish guy." "Even better." "My client's going to get the death penalty, bad knees and all, 'cause he deserves it." "Then all the bleeding liberals and all of Hollow... will come running to defend him, make him a cause célèbre." "But who's crying for the 13-year-old girl?" "The problem- the criminal justice system." "The criminals have more rights, they have more attention... they get more sympathy than the victims!" "It's disgusting, Larry." "It's" " It's" " It's disgusting." "Let's go to the listeners." "Hey, Donna in Cincinnati." "What do you got?" "And while I find that the petitioner may vowel have a legitimate cause olfaction..." "I don't find such a substantial likelihood of victory... that would allow me to issue a T. R. O." "Accordingly, I find for the defendant." "I wish you all good luck and a satisfactory resolution." "Adjourned." "Oh, thank you both." "That's a relief." " We're going to have to settle this." " We will." " Okay then." "Let's go home." " Alan." "You have to do this." "You're 44 years old." "Tell him you're a fan." "Shake his hand." " Will you go with me?" " Right by your side." "Uh, Mr. Zoo." "I, uh" "I just wanted to say... how much I've always enjoyed your work." "Thank you." "Would you like to squeeze my nose?" "No, no, no." "You've been more than kind." "Alan." "Well, per- perhaps one little squeeze." "You waited up for me." "And I've been frantic." "And you out at all hours." " Did you see the show?" " I did." "You were inimitable." "Denny, what possessed you?" "Everybody's so convinced I lost it..." "I was becoming convinced myself." "So I decided to sail right into it." "And I was Denny Crane." "Yes, you were." " I squeezed a clown's nose tonight." " Good for you." "Guess we're never too old to conquer our fears." "I got a call from the Republican National Party tonight." "They think I might have a future in politics." "They want to put some feelers out." "Maybe me running for mayor." " Of Boston?" " Mm-hmm." " We wouldn't get to be flamingos again." " Of course we would." "What would you do as mayor, Denny, really?" "Oh, I don't know." "I'd, uh, attack Rhode Island." "It's small." "What was the word you used to describe me on the show tonight?" " "Inimitable. "" " That's it." "That's the kind of mayor I would be- inimitable." "It's fun being me." "Is it fun being you?" "Most of the time, yes, actually." "Well, what else is there?" "Indeed." "You stinker!"