"Boy, you really know antiques." "You know, you're incredible?" " Yes, I am." " That's some buy we got on that clock." "Okay Bob." "Watch it." "Don't scratch I t." "Watch it." "Watch it." "Don't scratch it." "In it goes." "In a little farther." "In a little farther." "Watch it." "Hold it." "Wait, wait, wait." "Right, right there." "Watch it." "Will you watch that dolly too, Bob?" "I rented that in my name." "So I'd like to take it easy." "I like to return things the way I got them." " Howard?" " I'm a very responsible person." " Howard?" " I like to take care of my things." " Howard?" " I have albums that are 12 years old... and they don't have scratches on them." "Howard, can we talk about your record collection later?" "Oh, yeah, right." "When would you like to talk about it?" "Later!" "Oh, Bob, that is really beautiful." "What could be better than a grandfather clock?" "A grandfather watch." "Well, where you gonna put it?" "Well, I thought we'd put it by the bedroom door." " Oh, yeah, yeah." "It'd look nice there." " Yeah." "No, no, no, it won't fit there." " Oh, it won't?" " No, uh-uh." "Oh, how about over there?" "It'll be out of the way, but it's still prominent." "Yeah that's okay" "No, no, no, that's not good either." " Well, then where else can we put it?" " How about down?" "I'm sorry, honey." "Just put it over there for now." "I'll give you a hand." "Here." "Thank you, Howard." "Okay." "One, two, three!" "We're a great team, Howard." "You know that?" "You know, Bob, I really think it would look better by the bedroom door." "Tough." "Well, I guess we can leave it there for now." "The whole room's gonna change anyhow." " The whole room?" "Wow." " Uh-huh." "What's it gonna look like?" "Well, we're gonna have new drapes and new carpet." "We're gonna enlarge that doorway." "We're getting rid of the bookshelves." "And we're gonna get all new furniture." "I know how I can save you a couple of bucks." "You can get some of that new fun plastic furniture." "This pilot friend of mine has a couch that looks like a banana... and a chair that looks like a strawberry and an ottoman that looks like a tangerine." "Let's get it." "That way you can sit on the fruit of your choice." "Howard, we're going for a look that's warm and eclectic." "Electric?" "Oh, that's great!" "I love electric furniture." "We can have races." "Eclectic is a mixture of new and old, but we're going mostly old." " You know, mainly antiques." " But we can still have races, Howard." "10:00 tomorrow morning, and don't be late." " The best stuff goes first at those estate sales." " Okay." "Look, since you're getting new furniture..." "I could take some of your old stuff off your hands." " What do you mean, take?" " Well, you know... stuff you don't need, like, table and sofa... and canned goods." "Well, there's a half empty bottle of root beer in the refrigerator." " Oh, is the bottle refundable?" " No." "Oh, well, then I don't want it." "Bye, Howard." "It's not ticking." " Emily may I?" " Huh?" "Yeah." "College graduate." "Let's set it, Bob." "What time is it?" "Just about 5:00." "Okay." "All right." "Oh, Bob, isn't that beautiful?" "Well, no wonder it was so heavy." "There's a dead body in there." "Well, you know, I don't know." "I don't know, Dr. Hartley." "I really like working for that company... but how can they send me to a hellhole like that?" "Well, where do they wanna transfer you?" "Hawaii." "It's where the home office is." "Well, that makes sense." "I mean, it is a coconut company." "And we're branching out into novelty items." "You know, carving animals out of coconut shells." "They want me to head up the monkey division." "Well, that sounds like a good opportunity." "I'm not sure Hawaii is exactly the hellhole you think it is." "I'm really gonna miss Chicago, you know?" "The wind, the sleet... the slush... the smell of the stockyards." "Mr. Herd, the stockyards are gone." "Then what is that smell?" "I don't know." "Well, whatever it is, I'm gonna miss it." "I'm afraid our time is up, Mr. Herd." "You know, I envy you though." "I mean, tomorrow I have to leave for a psychologists' seminar in Winnipeg... and it's supposed to be 12 below zero." "Oh, 12 below zero." "Beautiful." "That's coconut-freezing weather." "I guess you're off to the land of swaying palms, huh, Mr. Herd?" "Don't rub it in, Carol." "Oh, hi, Mr. Herd." "Boy, it is freezing out there." " The wind cuts through you like a knife." " Yeah, isn't it wonderful?" "Bob, I'm glad I caught you." "I need your opinion about some things for the apartment." "Well, Emily, anything you pick out will be just fine." "Oh, honey, I want you to see it first." "Well, I'm sure whatever you pick out will be just perfect." "Oh, no, I want you to help me make some decisions." "Could you look at some samples?" "Oh, I love redecorating." "Especially when it's someone else's money." "Now this is for wallpaper for the kitchen." " What do you think of that one?" " Fine." " Or that?" " Fine." " Or that?" " Fine." "Gee, I thought they were all too busy." "Well, so am I, Emily." "I'm just gonna leave it to you." "You're bailing out?" "I'm not bailing out." "I'm really very busy." " Dr. Hartley's office." " Just a minute." "Bob, it's the service station." "They just wanna know if you want your oil changed." "Oh, gee, I better talk to them about that." "I'll take it in here." " You are bailing out." " Hi, Emily." " Oh, hi, Jer." "Excuse me." " Excuse me." "Carol, is this my mail underneath all this debris?" " I'll bring it in in a minute, Jer." " First things first." "You know, forget about business." "You've got paint chips to look at." "Well, gosh, Jer, I should have thought of that this morning... before I picked up your laundry, called your mother to cancel dinner... sent flowers to the hospital for your aunt... and picked up the tickets for the hockey game." "Well, that was before 9:00." "I mean, what you do on your time is your business." "Well, this is not Carol's stuff, so don't blame her." "But by the way, Jerry, what would you say about this carpet sample?" "I'd say, "We're Mr. and Mrs. Smith... and we just need the room for two or three hours."" "Uh-huh." "Well, what about the olive?" "Oh, that's great, for a barracks." "Why don't you go drill somebody?" "I'm not trying to be negative here." "It's just that all the stuff you showed me so far stinks." " Nothing negative about that." " Thanks for your help, Jer." "Anytime." "Listen, Carol, I want you to look at this magazine." "You see, there are pictures of famous people's houses." "You know, to get the feel of what I'm going after." "See, this is Harry Belafonte's living room." "Oh, Emily, that's wonderful." "Oh, slipcovers open to the navel." "You're not finished yet." " Did you decide on the oil?" " Yeah, I decided on the oil." "Now I have to decide whether I want to pop for the oil filter." "I really wish Bob wouldn't duck this." "I shouldn't have to make these decisions." "I'll get him out here." "Emily, I'm really glad you decided on the imported fabric." "Believe me, it's worth the extra $2,000." " Too late to get in on this?" " You finished?" "Yeah, I didn't want to pop for the oil filter." "We can't afford it." "Oh, Bob is gonna be so surprised when he comes back from Winnipeg." "When he left, just the carpet was down." "They hadn't even started construction on the doorway." " I love it!" "I really love it!" " You do?" "Yeah, your old dining room table looks great in my place." "What do you think about this table?" "Oh, you mean, your new old table." "That's nice, but not as nice as your old old table, that was yours, that's mine." "Well, Howard, that's very nice of you to say." "That was very hard for him to say." "But I meant it." "Oh, Howard, I changed my mind about that suede chair." "So, if you still wanna buy it, it's for sale." "Oh, wow!" "I didn't think Bob would let it go." "Well, he doesn't want to, but it doesn't fit in anywhere." "Oh, well, I couldn't take a man's favorite chair." "Could I?" "Why not?" "You've taken everything else." "Well, I, wouldn't feel right." " How much?" " $75." "Do I get to keep everything that's underneath the cushion?" " Yes, you do." " Well, then it's a deal." "I'll be right back." "I'm gonna get my checkbook." "Ellen, would you bring the chair, please?" "Right, Howard." " Ellen, did you know Howard was such a" " Scrounge?" "Hi, honey, I'm" "Holy smoke." "Hi, dear." "Well, what do you think?" "Let me take your coat." "Just put your suitcase down." "Come on in, and, you know, take your time." "Take a good look." "Let it all sink in." "How was the convention?" "Holy smoke." "Well?" "The convention was fine." "Oh, well, well," "Okay, how about it?" "Oh, hi." "Hi, Ellen." "Hi, Bob." "You want a drink?" "Yeah." "A drink would be good." "Well, come on, Bob." " Holy smoke." " Bob, is that good or bad?" "Just let me sit down... and just get my bearings." "Hi, Bob." "Welcome home." "It's good to have you back again." "Ah, don't sit in that chair." "That's mine." " Yours?" " Yeah." "Here's your check for $75." "$75." "You sold him my favorite chair for $75?" "Yeah, that includes the tax and the ottoman." "Emily, I love that chair." "I've had a lot of good times in it." "I know, honey, but it just doesn't fit in with the decor." "Emily, I had that chair before I had you." "Well, I think maybe we'll just come back a little later." "We'll let you two enjoy your new apartment by yourselves." "I can pick up the chair anytime." "Remember, anything you find underneath the cushion is mine." " Come on, Howard." " That was the deal." "Look, Bob." "I know it's all a shock, you know." "I mean, all the furniture is new and the construction is done." "And, I mean, new carpet, new drapes." "New this, new that." "Go ahead, honey." "Sit in it." "It's a copy of a Louis XV, and it's upholstered in satin." "How is it?" "It'll be fine when I buy some nonskid pants." "Honey do you see the stuff on the wall?" "It took Ellen two days to find that ox-yoke." "She got lucky, huh?" "You know, I think it all worked out beautifully, Bob." "I just love the colors." "Oh, honey, this is a campaign bed." "I think there are only three in all of Chicago." " And we got one of them." " Yeah." "Well- just sit back and relax." "What, um" "What campaign was it in?" "Bob, it's just a new way of sitting." "You just have to get used to it." "Just starting to get the  get the hang of the old way." " What way was that?" "The way where your feet go all the way to the floor." "Oh, I see." "But I guess comfort isn't the be-all and end-all." "Bob, I happen to be very comfortable." "Well, I'm glad somebody is." "You hate the whole apartment, don't you?" "Emily" ""Hate" is a very strong word." "You use "hate" to describe your thoughts about Hitler." "I mean, this isn't as bad as Hitler." "This is more like, Mussolini." "Bob, I rushed all over Chicago for weeks... trying to make this a place we both could be proud of." "I don't know, Emily." "I guess it's just the- the furniture." "And the colors." "Otherwise, everything is fine." "There is one more thing." " Don't say it, Bob." " What?" "And don't pretend you're asleep." "You brought it on yourself." "Emily, what are you talking about?" "Our apartment, and you have no right to complain." "Who would I complain to, Louis XV?" "Bob, that chair happens to be a copy of a museum piece." "Well, then let's put ropes around it and have tours." "That's not very funny, Bob." "It's the best I can do at 4:00 a.m." "So you did hear the clock chime?" "I heard it clunk." "Well, I had to make all the decisions." "And, Emily, some of the decisions you made were very good." " Like this bedroom." " I didn't even touch the bedroom." "Good decision." "I've made another decision." "I have decided you're gonna have to live with the furniture the way it is." "Why can't we send it back?" "Because we bought it at an estate sale, and the owner is dead." "He probably killed himself sliding out of that satin chair." "I like that chair, Bob, and I like that couch and I like that room." " Well, what about me?" " I'm not crazy about you." "All right, Emily." "I have to admit that... well, I could have been more helpful." "No, you had to get your oil changed." "Well, I'm sorry, but, I mean, I do live in this house... and I'm not gonna live in a room where I might get hurt." "So move." "You know, you're behaving just like I did last Tuesday night in Winnipeg." " What were you doing?" " I was being stubborn." "I was in a poker game, and I kept betting on a losing hand." "I mean, I should have just folded and taken my loss..." " like we should do on that furniture." " How are we gonna do that?" " You take an ad in the paper." "You sell it." " I don't wanna sell it." "Then burn it." "All right, Bob." "I fold." "I toss in my hand, but you're gonna have to help me get rid of that stuff... and you're gonna have to help me pick out new furniture." "And from now on, you and I are in this together." "It's a deal." "Now let's get to sleep before it's five o'clunk." "Okey." "Bob, how much you lose in the poker game?" "$185" " What'd you have?" " Pair of deuces." "There you go." "I hope you enjoy it as much as we did." "Hiya." "Still got the diving table?" "That's a dining table." "Oh, well, the ad in the paper said diving." "Well, that's a misprint." "It's dining, and it's been sold." "Well, what about the "ganderfeather" clock?" "That's been sold too." "Come on, Maury." "Let's get outta here." "No, wait, wait." "Let's look around." "Hey, look at this wall thing, Dorothy." "Maury, that's junk." "Excuse me, but that ox-yoke is over a hundred years old." "Oh, just our luck." "Last week our ox ran away." " Let's see what's in here." " That's our bedroom." "Right." "Thanks." " Hi, guys." "How you doing?" " Not bad." "Oh, you sold your ganderfeather clock." "Yeah, we got lucky." "We sold it five minutes before it was about to strike twelve." " Well, you don't have much left." " Well, we do have this nice satin chair." "Oh, sounds like a sales pitch to me." "No, at this rate, I'm ready to give it away." " Well, that's a good price." "I'll take it." " Oh, really." "Besides, whenever my mother comes to visit... she complains she never has anyplace to sit." " She won't be able to sit in that." " Good." "She won't stay so long." "Say, how much you want for the shower curtain?" "They're not for sale." "Put back the shower curtain, Dorothy." "Hey, Bob, how's it going?" "Where should I put these here?" "How about on your car, Jerry?" "Come on." "You're having a sale." "I figure I could get rid of my snow tires." "Jerry, we're selling antiques." "These are antiques." "They're off of a '46 Hudson." "They should go like hotcakes." "Say, my wife wants to know if we buy both lamps... would you throw in the shower curtain for nothing?" "Nothing in the bedroom is for sale." "Then what are we doing in there?" "I haven't the slightest idea." "Some sale." "Listen, Bob, on the snow tires, don't take any out-of-state checks, huh?" "Emily, I gotta go." "Jer, will you help me with my new chair?" "Sure thing." "What did you pay for this, Carol?" " It was free." " You were robbed." "Well, we did pretty good, Bob." "We got rid of almost everything, except now we're gonna have to sit on the floor." "I'm not." "I'm gonna get my chair back from Howard." "Where am I gonna sit?" "Well, we'll find something." "Let's go across the hall and browse." "No, honey." "Bob." "I really don't want that old stuff back." " But I want my chair." " I'm not sure Howard will sell it." " Well, we gotta go now." " Already?" "Yeah." "We left our kids at a garage sale." "Yeah, just our luck, we won't sell them." "Oh, look, Maury, a refrigerator." "Oh, yeah, yeah." "Say, how much do you want for the refrigerator?" " It's not for sale." " Look, everybody's got a price." " No, it's really not for sale." " Well, come on. 250?" "300?" " What do you want?" "Tell me." " A thousand dollars." " Nine hundred." " Fine." "No, no, no, Maury, it doesn't even have an ice maker." "Oh, well, then forget it." " How about these snow tires?" " $5,000." " What?" " Apiece." "Come on, Dorothy." "Honey, you wanna go to a movie tonight?" "Are you kidding, and leave my chair?" "Get that, will ya, honey?" "Oh, sure." "I wouldn't want you to leave your chair." "Hi, guys." "Come on in." "Make yourself at home." "Oh." "Kinda looks like home." "Well, your stuff looks great, doesn't it?" "I want my chair back, Howard." " How'd the sale go?" " Pretty good." "We almost broke even." "If we'd sold two snow tires for $10,000, we would have come out ahead." "I want my chair, Howard." "I guess with all the antiques gone, there's not much furniture over there now, huh?" "Well, look, if you'd like my lamp, it's down in the locker." "Get outta that chair, Howard." " You're serious, aren't you?" " I want my chair back." "Hey, a deal's a deal." "You saw me give Emily the check." "Get outta that chair, Howard!" "Okay." "Okay." "You can have your chair." "I'll sell it back to you for $80." "Howard, you only paid 75 for it." "Oh, yeah, that's right, 75, that's right." "I'll sell it back to you for $75." "And here's your change." "It was in the chair." "Take that too." "That's yours." " Keep the change, Howard." " Thank you." "Do you want me to help you pick out some new furniture?" "No, no, no." "Bob and I are gonna pick out the new furniture together." " Aren't we, Bob?" " Right." "Emily, get the chair." "Oh, Bob, Bob, please." "I already had two doughnuts this morning." "Hey, Bob, that's really nice of you, selling my snow tires door-to-door." "Jerry, you were supposed to leave your trunk unlocked so I could put the tires in." "Oh, yeah." "Well, here are the keys." "Well, here are the tires." "Yeah." "Carol, when you get a minute, would you mind" " No." " Or I could do it myself." "Say, would you like to buy some snow tires from a '46 Hudson?" "No." "Do you want to buy a coconut carved like a monkey?" " No." " Oh." "Well, Mr. Herd, how was Hawaii?" "Oh, a typical tropical paradise." "I hated it." " Did you get to the beach?" " Yeah, but I sat with my back to the ocean." "That's showing them." "Well, I guess that means you'll be leaving the coconut company." "No, no, I'm gonna be staying right here in Chicago." " I'm gonna be in charge of the macaroon division." " Good." "No, I can't think of anything worse than living in Hawaii." "Seems like a nice place for a vacation though."