"I'm on the street the other day, make a pay phone call go overtime on the call hang up the phone, walk away." "You've had this happen?" "What...?" "Phone rings." "It's the phone company." "They want more money." "Don't you love this?" "And you've got them right where you want them for the first time in your life." "You're on the street." "There's nothing they can do." "I like to let it ring a few times you know, let her sweat a little over there and then just pick it up." ""Yeah, hello, operator?" "Oh, I've got the money." "I've got the money right here." "You hear that?" "That's a quarter." "Yeah, you want that, don't you?"" "No, they just have to get more cops on the force, it's as simple as that." "Cops, I don't even care about cops." "I wanna see garbage men." "It's much more important." "All I wanna see are garbage trucks, garbage cans and garbage men." "You're never gonna stop crime." "We should at least be clean." "I tell you what they should do." "They should combine the two jobs." "Make it one job." "Coplgarbage man." "I always see cops walking around with nothing to do." "Grab a broom." "Start sweeping." "You sweep, sweep, sweep." "Catch a criminal, get right back to sweeping." " You should run for mayor." " Nobody listens." "Where is someone?" "I'm starving." "Think this is him right here." " Is there a table ready?" " How many?" " How many?" " Is Tatiana coming?" "Well, I don't know." "I have to call her, tell her where we are." "I'm very lucky she's even considering seeing me at all." "Really?" "I thought things were going okay." "They were." "It's kind of complicated." "Well, what is it?" " How many?" " All right, four." "Seinfeld." "Four." "That'll be five, 10 minutes." " What do you wanna do?" " Let's go someplace else." " I am too hungry." " We might as well just stay here." "We haven't got much time before the movie." "I'm gonna call Tatiana." "There's the phone." "Tatiana." "Excuse me." "Are you gonna be very long?" "Lasbrook, four." " So did I do a terrible thing?" " You mean lying to your uncle?" "I couldn't have dinner with him." "Plan 9 from Outer Space." "One night only." "The big screen." "My hands are tied." "You know, it's a public phone." "You're not supposed to just chitchat." "Jerry, get menus so when we sit down we'll be able to order right away." "Can't look at a menu now, I gotta be at the table." "He knows I'm waiting." "He sees me." "He just doesn't wanna look." "Everything's gotta be just so all the time with you, doesn't it?" "I offered you those cookies in my house." "Health cookies." "I hate those little dust-board fructose things." "I just can't believe the way people are." "What is it with humanity?" "What kind of a world do we live in?" "What?" "There's a woman over there looks really familiar." "Dark hair, striped shirt." "I've never seen her before." "I know this woman." "This is gonna drive me crazy." " Excuse me." " Oh, I'm sorry." "Did you see that?" "Those people..." "Look, they're getting a table." "Maybe they were here from before." "No, no, they weren't here before." "Are you gonna be much longer?" "I have to make a very important call." "Find out what's going on." "Excuse me." "Didn't those people just come in?" " I believe we were ahead of them." " Yeah." " What's your name?" " Seinfeld." "No, no." "They were here before." "Kackige, two." "You ever notice how happy people are when they finally get a table?" "They feel so special because they've been chosen." "It's enough to make you sick." "Boy, you are really hungry." "Hey." "If anything happens here, can I count on you?" "What?" "If we decide to go at it." "Yeah, I wanna get into a rumble." "I have to get in touch with Tatiana." "Look at his little outfit." "It's all so coordinated." "The little socks match the little shirt." "I really hate this guy." "Oh, I'm gonna faint." "George who is that woman In the stripes?" "I don't know her." "She looks so familiar." "It's not fair that people are seated first come, first served." "It should be based on who's hungriest." "I feel like walking over there and taking some food off of somebody's plate." "I'll tell you what." "There's 50 bucks in it for you if you do it." "What do you mean?" "You walk over to that table you pick up an egg roll, you don't say anything you eat it say, "Thank you very much" wipe your mouth, walk away I give you 50 bucks." " What are they gonna do?" " They won't do anything." "In fact you'll be giving them a story to tell for the rest of their lives." "Fifty bucks?" "You'll give me 50 bucks?" "Fifty bucks." "That table over there." "The three couples." "Okay, I don't wanna go over there and do it and then come back here and find out there was some little loophole like I didn't put mustard on it or something." "No tricks." " Should I do it, George?" " For 50 bucks?" "I'd put my face in their soup and blow." "All right." "All right." "Here, hold this." "I'm doing it." "I know this sounds crazy, but the two men standing behind me will give me 50 bucks if I stand here and eat one of your egg rolls." "I'll give you 25 if you let me do it." " What?" " What is she talking about?" "What did she say?" "What did she say?" " Will someone tell me what she said?" " Twenty-five dollars?" " What happened?" " Did you see that?" " What were you telling them?" " I offered them 25." " They had no idea why." " Oh, God." " George, the phone's free." " Hallelujah." "Excuse me." "I was waiting here." " Where?" "I didn't see you." " I've been here for 10 minutes." " I won't be long." " That's not the point." "The point is I was here first." "Well, if you were here first you'd be holding the phone." "You know, we're living in a society!" "We're supposed to act in a civilized way!" "Does she care?" "No." "Does anyone ever display the slightest sensitivity over the problems of a fellow individual?" "No." "No!" "A resounding no." " Hey, sorry I took so long." " Oh, that's okay." "Really, don't worry about it." "How do people fast?" "Did Gandhi get this crazy?" "I'm gonna go walk around and see what dishes look good." "I told my uncle I had a stomachache." "Think he bought that?" "Yeah, he probably bought it." "So, what happened with Tatiana?" " I shouldn't even tell you." " Come on." "After dinner last week, she invites me to her apartment." "I'm with you." "Well, it's this little place with this little bathroom." "And it's, like, right there, you know?" "It's not even down a little hall or off in an alcove, you understand?" "There's no buffer zone." "So we start to fool around and it's the first time, and it's early in the going and I begin to perceive this impending intestinal requirement whose needs are going to surpass, by great lengths anything in the sexual realm." "So I know I'm gonna have to stop." "And as this is happening, I'm thinking even if I can somehow manage to momentarily extricate myself from the proceedings and relieve this unstoppable force I know that that bathroom is not gonna provide me with the privacy that I know I'm going to need." "This could only happen to you." "So I finally stop and say:" ""Tatiana, I hope you don't take this the wrong way but I think it would be best if I left."" "You said this to her after?" "No." "During." " Oh, boy." " Yeah." "Wow." "So?" "So I'm dressing, and she's staring up at me struggling to compute this unprecedented turn of events." "I don't know what to say to reassure her." "And worst of all, I don't have the time to say it." "The only excuse she might possibly have accepted is if I told her I am, in reality, Batman." "And I'm very sorry, I just saw the Bat Signal." "It took me three days of phone calls to get her to agree to see me again." "Now she's waiting for me to call, and she's still on the phone." "I hate this place." "I don't know why we came here." "I am never coming back here again." "Who is that woman?" "Remember when you first went out to eat with your parents?" "Remember?" "It was such a treat to go." "And they serve you this different food that you never saw before." "And they put it in front of you and it was such a delicious and exciting adventure." "And now I just feel like a big sweaty hog waiting for them to fill up the trough." "Oh, she's off." " Jerry, talk to that guy again." " What am I gonna say?" "Tell him we wanna catch a movie and that we're late." "Hey." "What stinks in here?" "Mr. Cohen, haven't seen you for a couple of weeks." "Well, I've been looking for a better place." "Better place!" "Want a...?" "Want a table?" "No, just bring me a plate, and I'll eat here." "Bring him a plate." "He'll eat here." "Come on, I'll give you a table." "Excuse me." "We've been waiting here." "Now, I know we were ahead of that guy." "He just came in." "Oh, no." "Mr. Cohen always here." "He's always here?" "What does that mean?" "What does that mean?" "Mr. Cohen, very nice man." "He live on Park Avenue." "Where am I?" "Is this a dream?" "What in God's name is going on here?" "She's not there." "She left." "She must have waited and left, because those people wouldn't get off." " Did you leave a message?" " Yeah, I told her to call me here and to tell anyone that answers to ask for a balding, stocky man with glasses." "I better tell them I'm expecting a call." " Jerry, here comes that woman." " Where do I know her?" " Hi, Jerry." " Hey." "How are you doing?" " How is everything?" " Good, good." "What's going on?" "I'm working hard." "And you?" "Oh, you know, working around." "Same stuff." "Doing whatever." " You haven't been around in a while." " I know." "I know." "Well you know." "You should come by." "Definitely." "I plan to." "I'm not just saying that." " Hi." "I'm Elaine." " Oh, Lorraine Catalano." "I'm sorry." "Lorraine, this is Elaine." "Well, it was nice seeing you, Jerry." "And nice meeting you." "Oh, nice to meet you too, Lorraine." "Oh, my God, Lorraine." "That's Lorraine from my uncle's office." "I am in big, big trouble." " The one you broke the plans with?" " Yeah, she works in his office." "Now she's gonna see him tomorrow and tell him she saw me here tonight." "He's gonna tell his wife." "His wife's gonna call my mother." "Oh, this is bad." "You don't know." "The chain reaction of calls this is gonna set off." "New York, Long Island, Florida." "It's like the Bermuda Triangle." "Unfortunately, nobody ever disappears." "My uncle to my aunt, my aunt to my mother my mother to my uncle." "My uncle to my cousin, my cousin to my sister, my sister to me." "You should've just had dinner with him tonight and gotten it over with." " It's just a movie." " Just a movie?" "You don't understand." "This isn't Plans 1-8 from Outer Space." "This is Plan 9." "This is the one that worked." "The worst movie ever made." "I'm really looking forward to it." "I got news for you." "If we're making this movie we gotta get a table immediately." "Let's stop fooling around." "Let's just slip him some money." "In a Chinese restaurant?" "Do they take money?" ""Do they take money?" Everyone takes money." "I went out with a guy who did it all the time." "You slip them 20 bucks." "Twenty bucks?" "Isn't that excessive?" "Well, what do you wanna give him, change?" "It's more than the meal." "Oh, come on, we'll divide it up three ways." "All right." "Seven, seven, six." "I'm not gonna eat that much." "I'm counting your shrimps." "Okay, who's gonna do it?" "Oh, no, I can't do it." "I'm not good at these things." "I get flustered." "Once I tried to bribe an usher at the Roller Derby." "I almost got arrested." "I guess it's you, Jer." " Me?" "What about you?" " Oh, I can't do that." "It's a guy thing." "The women's movement just can't seem to make any progress in the world of bribery, can they?" "Give me the money." "How's it going?" "Very busy." "Boy, we are really anxious to sit down." "Very good specials tonight." "If there's anything you can do to get us a table we'd really appreciate it." "Oh, what is your name?" "No, no, I wanna eat now." "Yes, whole sea bass dinner tonight, very fresh." "Here." "Take this." "I'm starving." "Take it." "Take it." "Dennison, four!" "Your table is ready." "No, no." "I want that table." "I want that table!" "Come on, did you see that?" "What was that?" "He took the money." "He didn't give us a table." " You lost the 20." " Well, how could he do that?" " You didn't make it clear." " Make it clear?" "What a sorry exhibition that was." "All right, let me get the money back." "Excuse me." "I realize this is extremely embarrassing." "My friend here apparently made a mistake." "Your name?" " Seinfeld." " Yes, Seinfeld, four." "No, no." "Do you see the girl over there with the long hair?" "Oh, yes, yes." "Very beautiful girl." "Very beautiful." "Your girlfriend?" "Well, actually, we did date for a while, but..." "That's really not relevant here." "Relationships are difficult." "It is very hard to stay together..." "All right, listen." "All right." "How much longer is it gonna be?" "Be about five, 10 minutes." "So?" "There seems to be a bit of a discrepancy." " So when are we gonna eat?" " Five, 10 minutes." "We should've left earlier." "I told you." "I don't see any way we can eat and make this movie." "Oh, well, I have to eat." "Let's order it to go, We'll eat it in the cab." "Eat it in the cab?" "Chinese food in a cab?" " We'll eat it in the movie." " Where do you think you're going?" "You think they have big picnic tables there?" " Well, what do you suggest?" " I say we leave now we go to Sky Burger, and we scarf them down." "I'm not going to Sky Burger." "Besides, it's in the opposite direction." " Let's just eat popcorn or something." " Cartwright?" "I can't have popcorn for dinner." " Cartwright!" " I have to eat." "Well, they have hot dogs there." "Oh, movie hot dogs?" "I'd rather lick the food off the floor." "I can't go anyway." "I have to wait here for Tatiana's call." "Let me just check." "Excuse me, I'm expecting a call." "Costanza?" "Yes." "I just got a call." "I yell, "Cartwright?" "Cartwright!" Just like that." "Nobody came up." "I hang up." "Well, was it for Costanza or...?" "Yes, yes, that's it." "Nobody answered." "Was it a woman?" "Yes, yes." "I tell her you not here." "She said curse word." "I hang up." "She called." "He yelled, "Cartwright."" "I missed her." "Who's Cartwright?" "I'm Cartwright." " You're not Cartwright." " Of course I'm not Cartwright!" "Why don't you two go to the movies by yourselves." "I'm not in the mood." "Well, me either." "I'm going to Sky Burger." " So you're not going?" " You don't need us." "Well, I can't go to a bad movie by myself." "What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers?" "I guess I'll just go to my uncle's." " Should we tell him we're leaving?" " What for?" "Let's just get out of here." "Seinfeld, four!" "Hunger will make people do amazing things." "I mean, the proof of that is cannibalism." "Cannibalism." "What...?" "What do they say?" "I mean, they're eating, you know." ""This is good." "Who is this?" "I like this person."" "You know, I mean..." "I would think the hardest thing about being a cannibal is trying to get some really deep sleep." "You know what I mean?" "I would think you'd be like:" ""What was that?" "Who's there?" "Who's there?" "Is somebody there?" "What do you want?" "What do you want?" "You look hungry." "Are you hungry?" "Get out of here."" "Subtitles by SDI Media Group" "The bad thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you're doing." "You never see anybody on TV sliding off the sofa with crumbs on their face." "Some people have a little too much fun." "The soda commercial people." "Where do they summon this enthusiasm?" "Have you seen them? "We have soda!" "We have soda!" "We have soda!"" "Jumping, laughing, flying through the air." "It's a can of soda." "Have you ever been standing there and you're watching TV and you're drinking the exact product that they're advertising right there on TV?" "And it's like, you know, they're spiking volleyballs, jet-skiing, girls in bikinis and I'm standing there, " Maybe I'm putting too much ice in mine."" "So then, as we were leaving we were just kind of standing there, and she was smiling at me." "I wasn't sure if she wanted me to ask her out." "When women smile, I don't know what it means." "Sometimes I interpret it like they're psychotic." "I don't know if I'm supposed to smile back." "I just stood there." "Remember Quayle when Bentsen gave him the Kennedy line?" "That's what I looked like." " So you didn't ask?" " No." "I froze." " Counter." " Oh, yeah." "So wait, wait." "Half-hour later I'm back at the office." "I tell Lloyd the story." "He says, "Why don't you call her?" I says, "I can't!" I couldn't do it then." "For me to ask a woman out, I gotta get into a mental state like karate guys before they break bricks." "So then Lloyd calls me a wuss." " He said "wuss"?" " Yeah." "Anyway, he shamed me into it." " So you called?" " Right." "And to cover my nervousness, I started eating an apple." "I think if they hear you chewing on the other end of the phone makes you sound casual." " Yeah, like a farm boy." "Right." "So I call her up, I tell her it's me." "She gives me an enthusiastic "Hi!"" "Enthusiastic hi, that's beautiful." "I don't get the enthusiastic hi, I'm out of there." "So you're chewing your apple." "You got your enthusiastic hi." "We're talking." "I don't go too long before I ask them out." "I want to get it over with right away." "So I just blurt out, "What are you doing Saturday night?"" "And?" "She bought." "Great day in the morning." "Then I got off the phone right away." "It's like robbing a bank." "Don't loiter in front of the teller with a bag of money." "You make your hit and get out." "We both have dates on the same night." "I can't remember the last time that happened." "I can't stand doing laundry, that's why I have 40 pairs of underwear." " You do not." " Absolutely." "Because instead of doing a wash, I just keep buying underwear." "My goal is to have over 360 pair." "That way, I only have to do wash once a year." "Come on, try it!" "Let me hear you try a Scottish accent." " That's Irish." " Irish, Scottish." "What's the difference, lassie?" "So thanks for dinner." "It was great." "Yeah." "We should do this again." "Would you like to come upstairs for coffee?" "No, thanks." "I can't drink coffee at night." "It keeps me up." "So..." "Okay." "Okay." "Good night." "Yeah." "Take it easy." " Thanks again for the movie." " You're welcome." "I'd invite you up, but the place is being painted." "Oh, that's okay." "Unless you want to go to your place." "Okay, but there's no cake or anything, if that's what you're looking for." ""Take it easy."" ""Take it easy!"" "I think if one's going to kill oneself the least you could do is leave a note." "It's common courtesy." "I don't know." "That's just the way I was brought up." " Values are important." " So important." "What are you doing Thursday night?" "You wanna have dinner?" "Thursday's great." "Tan pants." "Why do I buy tan pants, Donna?" "I don't feel comfortable in them." "Are those cotton Dockers?" "I can't begin to tell you how much I hate that commercial." "Really?" "I like that commercial." "You like that commercial?" "Yeah." "It's clever." "You mean the one where the guys are all standing around supposedly being very casual and witty?" "Yeah." "That's the one." "What could you possibly like about that?" "I don't know." "I like the guys." "Yeah they're so funny and so comfortable with each other." "And I could be comfortable too, if I had pants like that." "I could sit on a porch and wrestle around and maybe even be part of a real bull session." "I know guys like that." "To me, the dialogue rings true." "Even if the dialogue did ring true even if somehow, somewhere men actually talk like that what does that have anything to do with the pants?" "Doesn't that bother you?" "That's the idea." "That is what is clever about it." " They're not talking about pants." " They're talking about nothing." " That's the point." " I know the point." "No one is telling you to like it." "All those quick shots of the pants." "Just pants, pants, pants, pants." "What is that supposed to be?" "What's brutal about the date is the scrutiny you put each other through." "Because whenever you think about this person in terms of the future, you have to magnify everything about them." "The guy will be like, " I don't think her eyebrows are even." "Could I look at uneven eyebrows for the rest of my life?"" "Of course, the woman's looking at the guy thinking:" ""What is he looking at?" "Do I want someone looking at me like this for the rest of my life?"" "I'm supposed to see her again on Thursday." "But can I go out with someone that actually likes this commercial?" "I once broke up with a guy because he didn't keep his bathroom clean." "No kidding." "Did you tell him that was the reason?" "Yeah." "I told him all the time." "You would not have believed his tub." "Germs were building a town in there." "They were constructing offices." "Houses near the drain were going for $150,000." "Hi." "You're still thinking about this?" "She invites me up at 12:00 at night for coffee." "And I don't go up." ""No, thank you." "I don't want coffee." "It keeps me up." "Too late for me to drink coffee."" "I said this to her." "People this stupid shouldn't be allowed to live." "I can't imagine what she must think of me." "She thinks you're a guy that doesn't like coffee." "She invited me up!" "Coffee's not coffee." " Coffee is sex." " Maybe coffee was coffee." "Coffee's coffee in the morning, not at 12:00 at night." "Some people drink coffee that late." "Yeah, people who work at NORAD who are on 24-hour missile watch." "Everything was going along so great." "She was laughing." "I was funny." "I kept saying to myself, " Keep it up, don't blow it." "You're doing great."" "It's all in your head." "All she knows is she had a good time." " I think you should call her." " I can't call her now." "It's too soon." "I'm planning a Wednesday call." "Why?" "I love it when guys call me the next day." "Of course you do, but you're imagining a guy you like." "Not a guy who goes, " No." "I don't drink coffee late at night."" "If I call her now, she's gonna think I'm needy." "Women don't want to see need." "They want a take-charge guy, a colonel, a Kaiser, a czar." "All she'll think is that you like her." "That's exactly what I'm trying to avoid." "She wants you to like her." "Yes, she wants me to like her, if she likes me, but she doesn't like me." "I don't know what your parents did to you." "Hey." "Hey." "I just thought of a really funny thing for your act." "All right." "You're up there." "You're on stage, and you go:" ""You ever notice how cars here in New York never get out of the way of ambulances?" "Someone's in a life-and-death situation, and we're thinking:" "'Sorry, buddy." "Should've thought of that when you were eating cheese omelets for breakfast every morning for the last 30 years."'" "So you gonna use it?" "I don't think so." " Well, it's funny." " It's funny." "I like to do my own material." "That's as good as anything you do." "All right, I gotta make a call." "Everybody out." "Come on." " Why do we have to leave?" " I can't call a woman with other people in the room." " Oh, see?" "This is the problem." "You're kicking me out of my house?" " Yes." " Don't forget." "Right." "Jerry, do you have any apples?" "Don't do the apples." "It's enough already with the apples." "Hi, it's Carol." "I'll get back to you." "Hi!" "It's George." "George Costanza." "Remember me?" "The guy who didn't come up for coffee." "You see, I didn't realize that coffee didn't really mean..." "Well, whatever." "Anyway." "It was fun." "It was..." "It was fun, so..." "Oh, boy." "So..." "You call me back." "If you want." "That's up to you, you know." "Whatever you want to do." "Either way." "The ball's in your court." "So..." "Take it easy." "I'm just getting my jacket." "I'll meet you downstairs." "What's the matter?" "Did you call?" "Got her machine." "I'm dead." "I'm a dead man." "That's it, I'm dead." "I'm a dead man." "Dead man." " What'd you say?" " I don't know what the hell I said." "I gave her an ultimatum, and there's nothing I can do." "It's a machine." "The little light's blinking right now." ""Come and listen to the idiot." "Hey, everybody, the idiot's on!"" "After one date you try and improvise on a machine?" "Now I'm in the worst position of all." "My brother-in-law once left a message on this guy's machine." "And he blurted out business information he wasn't supposed to." "It would have cost him $15,000 so he waited outside the guy's house." "When the guy came home, he went with him and switched the tape." " He did that?" " Yeah." "Somebody did that?" "She'll call you back." "You're overreacting." " Not once." " Never?" "I have never seen one episode of I Love Lucy in my life ever." " That's amazing." " Thank you." "Anything else I should know?" "Yes." "I'm lactose intolerant." " Really?" " I have no patience for lactose and I won't stand for it." "I'll be right back." "Wait till you hear this." "I'm sorry." "I had no idea..." "Wait." "Wait." "He's in the bathroom." "I wanted to talk to him for a minute, but I'll come back." "You don't have to leave." " You sure?" " Yes." "Okay." " I'm Donna." " Donna." "You're the one that likes that commercial!" "He told you that?" "No." "He didn't actually tell me that." "We were talking about that commercial." "In fact I think I brought it up because I like that commercial." "No." "He would never actually tell me anything like that." "He never discusses anything." "He's..." "He's like a clam." "You're not gonna mention this to him...?" "So you tell your friends I'm not hip because I like that commercial." "What?" " What did you say?" " Say?" "What?" "Nothing." "You told him how I like the commercial." "So what if I said that?" "You didn't have to tell your friends." "No, I had to tell my friends." "My friends didn't have to tell you." "Why'd you have to get me in trouble?" "I don't like you talking about me behind my back." " Oh, boy." " I said I couldn't believe you liked that commercial." "So what?" "I asked some friends this weekend, all of them like the commercial." "Boy, I bet you got a regular Algonquin Round Table there." "Hey." "Kramer, this is Donna." " Cotton Dockers!" " Hello." "We should be going." "Come on." " What?" "Where are we going?" " Don't bother." "I'm leaving." "You're making too much of this." ""One hundred percent cotton Dockers." "If they're not Dockers, they're just pants."" "Kramer, please." "Donna." "I don't wanna hear it." "I can't believe I said that." "You know me." "I'm a vault." "Don't worry, it wasn't working anyway." " What happened there?" " I'll tell you later." "You're not gonna believe what's going on with this woman." "You remember I made the initial call Sunday." "She doesn't call back." "I call again Monday." "I leave another message." "I call Tuesday, I get the machine again." ""I know you're there." "I don't know what your story is."" "Yesterday, I'm a volcano." "I try one more call." "The machine comes on, and I let fly like Mussolini from the balcony." ""Where the hell do you get the nerve?" "You invite me up for coffee, and then you don't call me back for four days?" "I don't like coffee." "I don't have to come up!" "I'd like to get one more shot at the coffee so I can spit it in your face!"" " You said that?" " I lost it." "I can't blame you." "I can't believe she never called you back." "She did." "Today." " What?" " She called my office." "She said she's been in the Hamptons since Sunday." "She didn't know if I was trying to get in touch." "Her machine broke, and she's been using her old machine." "And she doesn't have the beeper for it." " She didn't get the messages." " Exactly." "But they're on there waiting." "She can't wait to see me, we're having dinner tonight." "She's supposed to call me when she gets home." "But what about the messages?" "Elaine's thing?" "How you gonna get in?" "I'll meet her outside the building." "But you know as soon as she gets in, she's going for that machine." "Unless she goes for the bathroom, that's my only chance." "Who am I kidding?" "I can't do this!" "I can't do this!" "I don't know how to work the stupid machines." "There's nothing to it." "You lift the lid." "It comes right out." " You do it for me." " What?" "Come on." "It'll be so much easier." "How are you gonna get me up there?" "I'll tell her I bumped into you." "I'm giving you a ride uptown." " Who makes the switch?" " You do." " I do." " I can't do it." "I'll keep her busy." "I can't get involved in this." "I think I may be in love with this woman." "What if she sees me?" "You are such a wuss." " A wuss?" " Yeah." "Did you call me a wuss?" "Well, there is traffic." "It might take her till 8: 15." "I got one problem." "You're keeping her busy in the other room." "Now what if she somehow gets away from you and is coming in?" "You have to signal me that she's coming." "A signal." "Right." "Okay." "The signal is I'll call out "Tippy-toe!"" "Tippy-toe?" "I don't think so." " You don't like tippy-toe?" " No tippy-toe." "All right." "Okay." "I got it." " I'll sing." " What song?" ""How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?"" " What is that?" " It's a lovely song." "Got anything else?" "You pick it." " "Lemon Tree."" " Peter, Paul and Mary?" "No." "Trini Lopez." "Okay." "You got the tape?" "Standard." " Micro." " How do you feel, confident?" " I feel good." " Nervous?" "Not at all." "Get up, get up." "It's her." "To hell with this!" "I'm scared." "Walk away." "Cancel everything." "Hey, what are you doing here?" "I was supposed to call you when I got home." "I couldn't wait." "I was too anxious to see you." "That's so sweet." "This is my friend, Jerry Seinfeld." "I just bumped into him around the corner." "Isn't that a coincidence?" "The funny thing is, I see him all the time." " All the time." " Nice to meet you." "Hi." "So I'm starving." "Where are we gonna eat?" "You know, we could go uptown and that way we can give Jerry a ride home." "Okay." "Let's go." "I'm ready." "Where'd you park?" "Don't you want to go upstairs first?" "No." "What for?" "I'll just give my bag to the doorman." "You know I really need to use the bathroom." "There's a bathroom in the coffee shop just next door." "Yes." "Yes." " But I have to make a call, so..." " Well, they have a phone." "I know Jerry." "He has this phobia about public toilets." "I think we really should go upstairs." "You know, I think I will go upstairs." "I can check my machine." "Right." "Right." "The bathroom's down the hall to the right." "You know why don't you go first?" "You just had a long trip." "No, I'm fine." "You know, it's the damnedest thing." "It went away." "Well, that's weird." "No, no, that can happen." "I've read about that in medical journals." "It's a freak thing." "Let me just check my messages and we'll go." " Carol, could I talk to you right now?" " Sure." "Please, this is..." "This is very important." "Tippy-toe!" "Tippy-toe!" "Lemon tree!" "Now I know who you are." "You're a comedian." "I've seen you." "It's been driving me crazy." "Right." "I am." "Carol, that's so rude." " Please, I'm serious." " Okay." "Just for a moment, if you wouldn't mind." "And then we'll talk to Jerry." "Hey, you two, I'm ready to go." "That's what you had to tell me?" "Your father wears sneakers in the pool?" "Don't you find that strange?" "Yes." "I'll just check my machine, and we'll go." "No." "Nothing here." "Let's go." "I forgot to tell you." "After I talked to you, my neighbour called, played my messages to me." "Yours were hilarious." "We were both cracking up." "I just love jokes like that." "I love my phone machine." "I wish I was a phone machine." "If I saw somebody on the street I didn't want to talk to, I could go:" ""Excuse me." "I'm not in right now." "If you could just leave a message, I could walk away."" "I also have a cordless phone, but I don't like that as much." "Because you can't slam down a cordless phone." "You get mad at somebody on a real phone:" ""You can't talk to me like that." Bang." "You know." "Cordless phone." ""You can't talk to me like that."" "I told him." "Subtitles by SDI Media Group" "Well, I painted my apartment again." "I've been living there for years." "Every time I paint it, it gets me down." "I look around and I think, "Well, it's a little bit smaller now."" "It's the thickness of the paint, but I'm aware of it." "It just keeps coming in and coming in." "Every time I paint it, it's closer and closer." "I don't know where the wall outlets are." "I just look for a lump with two slots in it." "Looks like a pig is trying to push his way through from the other side." "That's where I plug in." "My idea of the perfect living room would be the bridge on the starship Enterprise." "You know what I mean?" "Big chair, nice screen, remote control." "That's why Star Trek really was the ultimate male fantasy." "Just hurtling through space in your living room watching TV." "The aliens were always dropping in because Kirk was the only one that had the big screen." "They'd come over Friday nights." "Klingon boxing." "Got to be there." " What did you do?" " Mousse." "I moussed up." " I guess it was just a matter of time." " I should've done this years ago." "I mean, I feel like I've had two lives." "My pre-mousse, and now I begin my post-mousse." "Tell me the truth, have you ever seen a better-looking guy?" "Looks is so subjective." "I don't mean to interrupt or anything but on Sunday, my friend is having a brunch for the New York Marathon..." "Oh, God..." "I keep forgetting to enter that." "She lives right above First Avenue, has a perfect view of the race." " She said I could invite some friends." " Maybe." "No!" "I'm not going up there!" "Harold and Manny." "Boys, boys." "Oh, Jerry." "I slid the rent under your door, Harold." "Did you get it?" "Hey, Jerry." "Would you like anything from Ms. Hudwalker's apartment?" "I was only joking." "He thinks I'm gonna give you Ms. Hudwalker's things." "We have to go up now and clean the apartment." "It's a good thing her rent was overdue." "She'd be rotting there for a month." "She died?" "Mrs. Hudwalker died?" "Ninety-four years old." "I found her yesterday." "She didn't have her wig on." "It was horrifying." "What's the matter with you?" "I'm talking!" "So you know anybody who needs an apartment?" "You know my friend Elaine?" "Oh, yeah." "I like her." "She always says hello." "It's not promised to anyone?" "She'd take it in a second." "Well, Manny wanted it for his brother, but he got deported." " What's the difference?" "It's true." " So it's okay?" "She can have it?" "Sure." "She's getting a bargain too." "It's only $400 a month." "Okay." " Okay." " Hey, Harold." "What do you think?" "Manny, look." "Kramer put mousse in his hair." "Thanks." "What was that all about?" "Oh, nothing important." "What's going on?" "What is that look?" "What look?" "Nothing." "Something's going on here." "I don't know if you should sit for this or not." "Sitting is good if you faint but standing is good for jumping up and down." " I can't decide." " Jumping up and down?" "What are you talking about?" "Come on, cough it up." "Oh, Elaine, you know the way I am rarely ever thinking of myself." "My only concern is the welfare and happiness of those close to me." "Sure, it hurts sometimes to give and give and give..." "Would you please?" "What would you say if I told you that...?" "Told me what?" "I got you an apartment in this building." " No!" " Yes." " No!" "You didn't!" " Yes." "I did." "You got me an apartment in the building?" "I got you an apartment in the building." " How did you...?" " Remember Mrs. Hudwalker?" "The 94-year-old woman who lived above me." " No." " She died." " She died?" " She died." " She died!" " Yeah." " And the rent is only $400 a month." " Get out!" "Four hundred a month?" "Only 400 a month?" " Four hundred a month." " I'd be right upstairs?" " Right upstairs." " Right above you?" "Right above me." "We're neighbours." "I'll be here all the time!" "All the time." "We can exchange keys so we can come in and out." "Oh, this is gonna be great." "All the time." "The problem with talking is nobody stops you from saying the wrong thing." "I think life would be a lot better if it was like you're always making a movie." "You mess up, somebody just walks on the set and stops the whole shot." "Think of the things you wish you could take back." "You're out somewhere with people." ""Gee, you look pregnant." "Are you?"" ""Cut, cut, cut!" "That's not gonna work at all." "Walk out the door." "Come back in." "Let's take this whole scene again." "People, think about what you're saying."" "Thanks." "See you later, Donna." " What happened?" " You can't believe what I did." " What did you do?" " I could tell you but you won't believe it." "It's not believable." " How could I have done that?" " Done what?" "I told Elaine about an apartment opening up in my building." " She's going to move in." " Elaine's moving into your building?" " Yes." "Right above me." " Right above you?" " You're gonna be neighbours." " I know." "Neighbours." " She's right above you?" " Right above me." " How could you do that?" " Because I'm an idiot." "You think you're an idiot, but with all due respect I'm a much bigger idiot than you are." "Don't insult me, my friend." "Remember who you're talking to." "No one's a bigger idiot than me." "Ever ask an ex-girlfriend to move into your building?" "Ever go to a singles' weekend in the Poconos?" "She's right in my building." "Right above me." "Every time I come in, I'll have to sneak around like a cat burglar." "You're doomed." "You'll have all your sex at women's apartments." "It'll be a permanent road trip." "Forget about the home-bed advantage." " But I need the home-bed advantage." " Of course." "We all do." " Come in for two minutes." "Sit with me." " I was just in there." "It's embarrassing." "Oh, who's gonna know?" " They all saw me walk out." " Two minutes." "My censoring system broke down." "You know that little guy in your head who watches everything you say?" "He went for a cup of coffee." "And, in that second, ruined my life." "My censor quit two years ago." "Checked into a clinic, emotionally exhausted." "So is there any way out of this Elaine thing?" "Tough." "Water pressure's terrible in my building." "She loves a good shower." "Never heard of anyone turning down an apartment because of weak showers." "If they were fanatic about showers, they might." "For that rent, she'd take a bath in the toilet tank if she had to." "Look at this woman feeding her baby greasy, disgusting, coffee-shop corned beef hash." "Isn't that child abuse?" "I'd like to have a kid." "Of course, you have to have a date first." "Remember my friend Adam from Detroit?" " Yeah, the guy with the flat head." " He's a cube." "Anyway, he got married about six months ago." "Ever since he's worn a wedding band women have been coming on to him everywhere." " I've heard that about wedding bands." " I wonder if that's really true." "That'd be an interesting sociological experiment." "You know, Kramer has his father's band." "He'd loan it to you." "Hey, thanks a lot." "I'll give it back in a week." "I don't know why you're fooling around with this ring." "I've been telling you, get yourself some plugs or a piece." " I'm not doing that." "Oh, man." "You know, you're crazy." "You're a good-looking guy." "What do you want to walk around like that for?" "No, I'll put a half a can of mousse in my head like you." "I told you I don't like these sponges." "They're too small." "I want a big sponge!" "You can't pick up anything." "There's no absorption." "Boys, boys." "Hi, Jerry." "Hello, Jerry." "Okay." "Okay." "Your friend can't have the apartment, Jerry." " What?" " Because somebody offered Manny $5000 for the apartment." "I don't want to do it." "Manny wants to do it." "Because it's true." "Why shouldn't I tell him?" "Hey, hey, I understand." "You're businessmen." "Okay, okay." "Now he says that if your friend has $5000, we'll give it to her." "That's a lot of money but if that's the way it's gotta be, that's the way it's gotta be." "You know, I used to think that the universe is a random, chaotic sequence of meaningless events." "But I see now that there is reason and purpose to all things." "What happened to you?" "Religion, my friend." "That's what happened to me." "Because I have just been informed that it's going to cost Elaine the sum of $5000 to get the apartment upstairs." "Five thousand dollars?" "She doesn't have $5000." " Of course she doesn't." " So she can't get the apartment." " Can't get it." " She doesn't move in." "No move." "So you see?" "It's all part of a divine plan." "And how does the baldness fit into that plan?" " Elaine?" " Yeah." "All right." "This is gonna require some great acting now." "I have to pretend I'm disappointed." "So you'll see me really being a phoney." "I hope you can take this." "You should go in the other room." "Are you kidding?" "I lie every second of the day." "My whole life is a sham." " Because I love Elaine." " Of course you do." "But, you know, not in the building." "Really, I feel terrible about this." "My intentions were good." "What can I do?" "Tell me." "No." "I'll be seeing you." "Have you ever gotten up in the morning and felt that it's great to be alive?" "That every breath is a gift of sweet life from above." "Before I forget I have the checks for the first month, last month, security deposit." "I have $75 left in my account." "Well, there's a little bit of a problem." "Oh, I know." "There's a weak shower spray." "I've already thought about it." "I am switching to baths." "Winston Churchill said, "Why stand when you can sit?"" "Maybe I'll get some rubber duckies." "No." "Someone offered Harold and Manny 5000 for the apartment." "They'd just as soon give it to you but you would have to come up with that money." "Five thousand dollars?" " I don't have $5000." " I know." "How am I gonna get $5000?" "I have no idea." "Hey!" "My new neighbour." "I'm not moving in." " What?" " They want $5000 now." "So okay, what's the problem?" "I don't have $5000." "Oh, come on!" "You can come up with $5000." "Jerry, you don't have $5000 you can lend her?" "Come on." "Yeah, well, I didn't..." "I mean..." "Is that something you want to borrow?" "No, that's too much money to borrow." "Loan her the money." "You can afford it." "She doesn't want to borrow the money." "Oh, come on." "She'll pay you back." "What's 5 grand between friends?" " Of course I'd pay you back." " Yeah." "So, what's the problem?" " Who said there's a problem?" " See?" " He said he'd loan you the money." " Well, now, Jerry it might take a while for me to pay you back." "Maybe a few years." "How do you feel about that?" "It's okay." "He doesn't care." "You know, money can sometimes come between friends." " Get out of here." " Well, let me think about it." " What's there to think about?" " I don't know." "Five thousand?" "Let me just take one more look at it." "It was all over." "Taken care of." "Done." "Finished." "Five thousand." "Where was she gonna get 5000?" "She doesn't have 5000." "Clean." "Goodbye." "She's gone." "Then you come in." ""Why don't you loan her 5000?" "What do you care?" "You got 5000." "Give her 5000!"" " You didn't want her in the building?" " No, I didn't." "Then what did you loan her the $5000 for?" "Well, look, maybe she won't take it." "She did say that she was gonna think about it." "People don't turn down money." "It's what separates us from the animals." "Yeah, well, I don't understand what the problem is having her in the building." "Let me explain something to you." "You see you're not normal." "You're a great guy." "I love you, but you're a pod." "I, on the other hand, am a human being." "I sometimes feel awkward, uncomfortable even inhibited in certain situations with the other human beings." " You wouldn't understand." " Yeah." "Because I'm a pod." "I'll take it!" "No." " Hi, Elaine." " Oh, hi, Roxanne." "Nice to be here." "These are my friends." "This is George." " And this is Jerry." " Hi." "Jerry's the one who got me my new apartment." "So you're Elaine's hero." "Yes, it's my life's work." "There are so few true heroes left in this world." "Yeah, my wife couldn't make it today." "She's got some thing with her mother." "Who knows what's going on with her?" "Don't let anybody kid you." "It's tough." "Well, better load up on some carbos before the race." " Oh, the marathon is great, isn't it?" " Oh, yes." "Particularly if you're not in it." " I wish we had a view of the finish line." " What's to see?" "A woman from Norway, a guy from Kenya and 20,000 losers." "My wife started getting on me about the lawn today." "I tell you, it's one thing after another." " Is she here?" " No, no, she's working." "What does she do?" "She's an entomologist." "You know, bees, flies, gnats." "What about you?" "I work for the director of Madison Square Garden." "It's great." "I can get free tickets to any sporting event in New York." "Anyway, she's a very lucky woman." "Enjoy the race." "But..." "Hi, Stan." "Joanne." "Come in." "Oh, Jerry, this is Joanne and this is Stan." "They're in my short story class with Roxanne and me." "Hey, Jerry just got me a great apartment in his building." "Well, Jerry, it'll be nice to have a close friend nearby." " Fantastic." " She can pop in whenever she wants." "I know." " She doesn't even need to knock." " It's tremendous." " Any time of day." " I'm in heaven." "Oh, Rita." "Rita, come here." "This is Jerry." "He's the one who got me the apartment." "Oh, hi." "Bob, this is the guy who got Elaine her apartment." "I'm sorry, I just don't see the big deal about being a matador." "I mean, the bull charges, you move the cape what's so hard?" "So are you really married?" "I've actually heard of single guys who wear wedding bands to attract women." "You would have to be a real loser to try something like that." "That's too bad because I really have a thing for bald guys with glasses." "Hey, everybody, here come the runners." "Oh, excuse me." "So you and Roxanne are hitting it off, huh?" " I wouldn't quite say that." " Really?" "From a distance, you seemed to be coming on to her." "Oh, I'm a guy." "It always looks like that." "Because I was thinking are you at all concerned that living in the same building will, you know, cramp our styles?" "Because I was worried that there might be a situation in which one of us came home with somebody." "It could get a little uncomfortable." "But as long as you're okay with it, it's fine with me." "I've never been able to be with just one person." "I can, however, carry on strictly physical relationships which can last for years and years." "It's a shame you're married." "I'm not." " It's just a sociological experiment." " Please." "You have no idea what an idiot is." "Elaine just gave me a chance to get out, and I didn't take it." "This is an idiot." "Is that right?" "I just threw away a lifetime of guilt-free sex and floor seats for every sporting event in Madison Square Garden." "So, please, a little respect." "For I am Costanza, lord of the idiots." "You're all winners!" "But, suddenly, a new contender has emerged." "George, I didn't sleep at all last night." "I decided I have to tell her." "I'm just gonna be honest, that's all." "Yes, I'm nervous." "Are you listening to me?" "Just put some soap on your finger." "It'll slide right off." "Well, then try axle grease." "I'll call you back after I talk to her." "Well it's all taken care of." "Everything's cool." " What?" "What's cool?" " Elaine." "What are you talking about?" "I just found a guy who's willing to pay $10,000 for the apartment." "You what?" "Get out!" " Ten thousand?" " Cash!" " Who would pay that much?" " He's in the music business." "Elaine would never borrow that much money." "Kramer, my God, man." "This is beautiful." "I think I'm in the clear here." "Elaine's not moving in." "I don't have to confront her." "She has no idea I never wanted her to move in." "I'm golden." "Well, occasionally, I like to help the humans." " Wow, you're right, that is loud." " It's just unbelievable." " They rehearse all the time?" " All the time." "I've been up there six times." "They refuse to stop." "I can't live like this." "I don't know what to do." "I'm headed for a breakdown." " Can't you do something?" " I'm not going up." " It stinks up there." " Manny?" "I'm not the one who said they could play till 11:00." "He makes up his own rules." "Boy, too bad." "If I was up there, you'd never hear a peep out of me." " I'm as quiet as a mouse." " Hey." "I love the one they do right after this one." "What do you do when a neighbour is making a lot of noise at 3:00 in the morning?" "Can you knock on someone's door and tell them to keep it down?" "You're really altering your whole self-image." "What am I, Fred Mertz now?" "What's happening to me?" "Can I do this?" "Am I a shusher?" "I used to be a shushee." "There's a lot of shushing in movie theatres." "People are always shushing." "Doesn't work." "Nobody knows where it's coming from." "They just hear..."Was that a shush?" "I think somebody shushed me?"" "Some people you can't shush." "There's always a certain group." "They're talking." "Everyone around them is shushing them." "They won't shush." "They're the unshushables." "Subtitles by SDI Media Group" "So I was in the drugstore trying to get a cold medication." "You ever try this?" "It's an entire wall of medications." ""All right, all right, okay." "What the hell am I...?" "This is quick-acting, but this is long-lasting." "When do I need to feel good?" "Now or later?"" "It's a tough question." "Then the commercials on TV show you what's wrong with the guy." "They always show you the problems." "They show you the human body which is usually this guy:" "No face, mouth open." "This is how drug companies see the public." "And he's always in, like, a certain pain." "Like, red, wavy lines are going through him or he's glowing." "Parts of him are on fire sometimes." "Lightning is attacking him." "I never had a doctor say, "Are you having pain?" "Are you having any lightning with the pain?"" "How did you get fleas?" "My cousin's imbecile dog was outside and they got in his carpet." "Maybe you could get yourself a little bow tie flea collar." "That's real funny." "So are you coming to the party?" "I'd go, but Long Island, it's so far out." "It smacks of desperation." "Everyone's gonna be saying:" ""You came all the way out from Manhattan for this?"" " You know, Ava's gonna be there." " Who?" "The nice one that works in my office." " I'll drive!" " Oh, well, now you're talking." "Supposed to be a good party." "Well, what does that mean?" "Good dip?" "No." "There'll be girls there." "There's girls everywhere!" "I go out and there's girls in the elevator." "They're in cafeterias, subways." "So what?" "There's a hundred different things here." "What's the difference between these two?" " You got propylparaben?" " Got it." "You got isobutane 30?" "I got isobutane 20." "You got sorbitan sesquioleate?" " Got it." " I have aloe." "You got aloe?" "I love aloe." "Where do they make yours?" " Jersey." " White Plains." "Girls." "There's girls right here in the store." "Look." "Look." "There's one over there." "Look." "There's another one." "As soon as I walk outside, there'll be girls." "What's the matter?" "I gave her a 20, she gave me change for a 10." "Are you sure?" "Oh, boy." "Here we go." "Excuse me." "I gave you a $20 bill and you only gave me change for a 10." " You gave me a 10." " I'm positive I gave you a 20." "I know what you gave me." "You owe me $10." "Will you please step aside?" " Next!" " All right, all right." "Let's just examine the situation for a second." "Who, in this situation, would be more likely to make a mistake?" "Me, who had access to my wallet, knew exactly what was in there or you?" " You." "No, no, no." "See, you're not really listening." " What's the problem here?" " There's no problem." "She just owes me $10." "That's all." " He's claiming short." " Let's just take it outside." "Oh, so you don't believe me either?" "!" " Come on." "Let's go." " All right." "You haven't won." "You may think you've won, but you haven't won." "Know why?" "It's not over." "This is not over." "I'm not forgetting what's happening here." "You have my $10." "I will get it back." "All right." "Don't worry." "And it's not over." "I'm going now." "Goodbye." "I will be back." "Well, don't stand here." "Let's walk in." "Blend in." "Blend in." "No, let's survey first." "Camp here." "Ava." "What could possess anyone to throw a party?" "I mean, to have a bunch of strangers treat your house like a hotel room." " Guess who just sold 129 West 81 st." " Oh, no, you didn't." " Get out!" "When?" " Yesterday." " I don't believe it." " Ask Mark." "Mark, is this true?" "Yeah, this has got "disaster" written all over it." "How did I let you talk me into this?" "I must have been out of my mind." "Listen, let's keep an eye on each other." "In case one of us gets in a bad conversation we should have a signal so the other one can get us out of it." " How old are you?" " Thirty-six." "What's the signal?" "How about this: chicken wing." "No, no, no." "I got a better one:" "Head-patting." "Whatever you want." "You came all the way out from Manhattan for this?" "Yeah." "Yeah, I did." "So, what do you do?" " I'm a comedian." " Are you?" "Let me ask you something." "Where do you get your material?" " I hear a voice." " What kind of voice?" "A man's voice." "But he speaks in German, so I have to get it translated." "How come you keep tapping your head?" "It's a nervous tick." "I'm on L-dopa." "On the other hand, you take a guy like George Washington Carver." "The man devoted his whole life to the peanut." "Imagine having so much passion for something." "You know, people tell me I'm a funny guy." "I've often wondered if he ever worked with the pecan." "Yeah." "Me too." "Now, is that considered a nut?" "I know the cashew is a legume." " How's it going?" " Great." "How about you?" "I can't believe what's happening here." "She hasn't taken her hands off me all night." "She was always friendly around the office, but that was it." " How do you account for this?" " I don't know." "Maybe a safe fell on her head." "Well, she obviously liked you all along." "No." "I would have picked up on it." "I can always tell." "Women always somehow let you know." "With me, they could torture me, I wouldn't tell them." "I try to make them think I don't like them." "Then they think, "Oh, this guy's not even looking." "He must have something going for him."" "Anyway, I'm ready to go." " Now?" " Well, if not now, when?" " Give me a half-hour." " Okay." "Half-hour." "Peanut brittle, peanut butter, peanut oil..." "Can I talk to you for a second?" "Oh, excuse me." "What have you been doing?" "I've been smacking myself senseless." "People think I'm a mental patient." "Hey, I was dying over there." "This guy's going off on the peanut." "Now, pay attention." "Yeah, I think I've seen you in a club." " You talk about everyday things, right?" " Right." "Yeah." "I remember you." "I wonder what happened to my fiancé." "I know he's here somewhere." "Ellen, have you seen my fiancé?" " He's upstairs." " Are you going upstairs?" "Tell my fiancé I'm looking for him." "I have lost my fiancé, the poor baby." "Maybe the dingo ate your baby." "What?" "The dingo ate your baby." "You ready?" "Listen, I have a tremendous favour to ask." "I do favours." " I think something's happening here." " What?" "I think she wants me to take her home." " What should I do?" " Go." "What can you do?" " What about you and Elaine?" " We'll get a ride." " You're sure?" " We'll be fine." "What did she say?" "She told me she..." "She told me she wants me to make love to her." " What?" "She said that?" " Yeah." " Get out of here." " I swear." " What did you say?" " I..." " Oh, I can't." " Come on." "What did you say?" " Please, it's, it's..." " What?" ""I..."" ""I..."" ""I long for you."" " "I long for you"?" " I was so shocked I was lucky I said anything." " It's okay." "That's not bad." "I don't like when a woman says "Make love to me." It's intimidating." "The last time a woman said that to me, I wound up apologizing to her." " Really?" " That's a lot of pressure." ""Make love to me." What am I, in the circus?" " What if I can't deliver?" " Oh, come on." "I can't perform under pressure." "That's why I never play anything for money." "I choke." "I could choke tonight." "And she works in my office." "Can you imagine?" "If she goes around telling everyone what happened..." "Maybe I should cancel." "I have a very bad feeling about this." " George, you're thinking too much." " I know, I know." "I can't stop it." "Well, right now I'm reading manuscripts for Pendant Publishing." "Pendant?" "Those bastards." "Excuse me." "Listen, George is going home with this Ava from his office." "Really?" "What a world." " So we can go now." " No, he's taking the car." " What are we gonna do for a ride?" " I don't know." " You don't know?" " Maybe Kramer can come pick us up." "Great." "Oh, this is great." "How could you let him take the car?" "There's nothing I could do." "It's part of the code." "All plans between men are tentative." "If one man should suddenly have an opportunity to pursue a woman it's like these two guys never met each other ever in life." "This is the male code." "And it doesn't matter how important the arrangements are." "Most of the time, they screw up a space shuttle mission, it's because one of the astronauts met someone on his way to the launch pad." "They hold that countdown." "He's leaning against the rocket:" ""So when I get back, what do you say we get together for some Tang?"" "Oh, look at what she's wearing." "You see what she's wearing?" "Yeah, yeah, all right." "I can't believe she's walking around in that." " Just don't make a scene." " Hey, is that real fur?" " Oh, boy." " It better be." "Or my ex-husband owes me an explanation." "Good night." "You don't care that innocent, defenceless animals are tortured so you look good?" "Could we talk about this some other time?" " Are you a vegetarian?" " Here we go." "Yeah." "I eat fish occasionally." " So you're a hypocrite." " Hey!" "I've eaten frogs, so nobody's perfect." "Anyway..." " Talk to me when you stop eating fish." " Fish don't feel any pain." "How do you know?" "Do you communicate with fish?" "Well, they're not kept in little cages." " Ever seen a goldfish?" " Goldfish!" "Yeah." "Yeah, I've seen goldfish." "They're not unhappy." "Right." "Swim around a bowl for two weeks and get flushed down the toilet." "That's a good life." "Oh, yeah." "That's right." "Go ahead." "Go ahead." "Maybe you can run over a squirrel!" "Yeah, well, that's why we're here in America." " You're beautiful." " Call Kramer." "All right." "Excuse me." "This is your party, right?" " No." "I just live here." " Can I use your phone?" "What's in it for me?" " A bigger bill." " Go for it." "Kram, Sein." "What are you doing?" "Well, I'm stuck out here on Long Island." "What are your thoughts about taking a ride?" "You're sure?" "Okay, but don't leave me hanging here." "Okay, great." "Let me give you directions." "You sure you don't need any help?" "No, not really." "I'm sure he'll be here any minute." "I want them out of here." " Call him again." " I called." "What should I do?" "We really appreciate this." "It's 2:00 in the morning." "Oh, you got the Civil War book." "I saw some of that show." "It was wonderful." "620 million people died." "Thousand." "Thousand!" "620,000." "The horror." "The horror!" "The wife keeps giving us dirty looks." "Are you sure you gave him the right directions?" " You sure there's nothing we can do?" " No!" "I am not going to bed with them in our house." "This is ridiculous." "You know, a friend of my father's used to live right around here." "Mike Wichter." "He sold plastic straws." "You know the ones?" "You could bend them." "Have you noticed?" "People don't use straws as much as they used to." "You know, it doesn't look as if your friend is coming." "Oh, he's coming." "Maybe you should take a look at a train schedule." "That's him." "I'm going to bed!" " Thanks a lot." " Thanks." "Great party." " Hey, how you doing?" " Look who's here." " I'm sorry." " Hey, it's okay." "I had the directions on the seat right next to me." "They flew out the window." "Then how did you find the place?" "Well, I knew the exit on the Long Island Expressway and I thought that the address was 8713 Riviera Drive." "So I drove around knocking on everybody's doors that had those numbers." "8317, 7813, 3718, 1837..." "Finally, I hit it. 8173." "Anyway, thanks a lot for letting us stay here, Steve." "I really owe you one." "No problem." "And if you're ever in the city you wanna come to a comedy club, whatever." "Hey, I might take you up on that." "Here's my address and number." "And, really, thanks again." "Well, you better zip up." "I couldn't get the top on the convertible up." " But it's cold out." " Wait till we get on the Expressway." "George, I've been sick all week." "Elaine was too." "Eighty miles an hour, 40 degree temperature for 50 minutes." "Do the math." "Yeah, maybe I will get out." "But let me just stop off at the drugstore first." "Meet me down there in 15 minutes, then we'll go do something." "Yeah, Selwyn's." "Okay, bye." " Who is it?" " Mr. Pocatillo!" " Who?" " You don't recognize my voice?" " Jerry, baby!" " Do I know you?" " Boy, this comedy's frying your brain." " I'm sorry..." "See, this is the kind of lasting impression I make on people." " Oh, okay." " You said if I was ever in the city." "I'm in the city!" "You certainly are." "What's going on?" "I'm just waiting for a lift back." "He won't be ready until 11." "I figured I'd give you a break see what it's like to hang out with someone in show business." "Listen, I'm really sorry, but I'm just on my way out to meet a friend." "Oh, come on." "You can come up with something better than that." "No, really, I just got off the phone with him." "I understand." "Look, you can hang out here if you want." "Don't be so enthusiastic." " No, it's..." " I'm not gonna steal anything." "No, of course not." "Just close the door when you leave." " I think I can do that." " Really, I'm sorry." "Maybe another time." "Yeah." "Let's have lunch." "The guy's in my house right now." "What a mistake that party was." "I never should've gone." " Yeah, me either." " Oh, come on." "What "come on"?" "Have you ever dated a woman that worked in your office?" " I never had a job." " Know that anxiety you feel on a date?" "That's what I have every day now." "My worst nightmare's come true." "Every day is a date." "That's one of Dante's nine stages of hell, isn't it?" "Ava was one of the reasons I used to like work." "She was a friend." "Now we sleep together and suddenly I don't know how to talk to her." "Every time I go to the bathroom, I pass her desk." "I have to plan little patter." "I spend half my day writing." "Then afterwards I sit in my office and analyse how it went." "If it was a good conversation, I don't go to the bathroom the rest of the day." "I see her laughing and talking with other people." "They're all so loose and relaxed." "I think:" ""That used to be me." "I wanna go back there again."" " What are you gonna do?" " I have no choice." "I'm quitting." "The party, Long Island." " Kramer, right?" " Yeah." " Hey, what are you doing here?" " Waiting for my ride." " Where's Jerry?" " He split." "Let me ask you something." "Is there anything to drink in here?" "Or is that a stupid question?" "Jerry, he doesn't have anything." "But I might have something." "I'm gonna get this." "This looks good." " How much is that?" " $9.60." "$9.60?" "Give it to me." " Why?" " Don't worry, I got it." " What do you mean, you got it?" " I got it." "Since when are you treating me to medicine?" "What are you doing?" " You're stealing this, aren't you?" " I'm not stealing." "They owe me $10." " They stole from me." " You're a lunatic." "I have to." "It's a matter of honour." "What do you say to a person like you?" "Just walk." "You don't even know me." "Excuse me." "What do you got there?" " What?" " What do you got in your shirt?" " I was gonna pay for this." " Come with me." "Where are you taking me?" "I was gonna pay for it." " Don't think I remember you?" " What are you talking about?" "I know who you are!" "I was watching you." "What are you gonna do?" "You gonna call the police?" " Come on!" " Where...!" "Can I still buy this or is this evidence now?" "So I'm chasing these doves down the street and she's screaming at the top of her lungs and then when the magician comes back from Europe two of them turn brown!" "Well, I followed the instructions!" "They turned brown!" " Brown!" " Brown!" "So let me ask you something." "You know any women we could call?" "Not really." "Maybe we should call one of those escort services." "Yeah." "I saw one of them advertised before on the cable station." "555-LOVE." " Are you in on this?" " Oh, no, no." "I got a girl in the next building." "Now, I want my money, mister!" "And I ain't leaving till I get it." "Now, I am through playing games with you." "I got things to do." "Oh, Jerry, Jerry." "Look who's here." "It's Jerry." "What the hell...?" " Jerry, this is Patti." " Nice to meet you." "A pleasure to make your acquaintance." "What the hell is going on here?" "I don't know, but I gotta do this more often." "There's my ride, finally." "I'm not gonna go anywhere until I get the rest of my money." "See you, Jer, and tell Kramer thanks." "I'll call him tomorrow." "Oh, Kramer." "Yeah, he's a hoot." "Goodbye, my dear." "Weekend of the 26th, come on out." "We're having another party." "I ain't leaving." " Patti." " You got anything to drink?" " All right, how much does he owe you?" " $50." "Fifty dollars..." " Is this your apartment?" " Yeah, but..." " You're under arrest for solicitation." " Oh, wait a second." "I..." "I have chicken soup." "Is that real fur?" " Oh, boy." " Oh, boy." "You had Sergeant Chadway?" "Me too." " He was a nice guy." " Oh, great guy." "Was there a redheaded guy there?" " The one with the long sideburns?" " Yeah!" " Where does he come off?" " I know." "There's no call for that kind of attitude." "One of the guys in my cell threw a piece of gum at him." "We all hated him." "There's two types of favours:" "big favour, small favour." "You can measure the size of the favour by the pause that a person takes after they ask you to "do me a favour."" "Small favour, small pause:" ""Do me a favour?" "Hand me that pencil."" "No pause at all." "Big favours are:" ""Could you do me a favour?"" "Subtitles by SDI Media Group" "I have to tell you that I did get some very exciting news recently." "I don't know if I should tell you what it is, because it's not definite yet." " Come on!" " Come on!" "Well, I will tell you what I do know so far." "According to the information that I have in the envelope that I received it seems that I may have already won some very valuable prizes." "Well, thank you." "Thank you very much." "Well, thank you." "It's very nice to hear that." "But in all honesty I have to say, I didn't even know I was in this thing." "But according to the readout it looks like I am among the top people that they are considering." "That annoys me about sweepstakes." "They tease you with, "You may have already won."" "I'd like once for a sweepstakes company to have some guts." "Just tell people the truth one time." "Send out envelopes:" ""You have definitely lost."" "You turn it over, giant printing:" ""Not even close."" "You open it, there's a letter of explanation:" ""Even we cannot believe how badly you've done in this contest."" "To the right." "Boy, that took a while." " Don't get up." " I'd like to help, but my neck..." "So how long has it been in the basement?" "Since my grandfather died." "I was supposed to send it to my parents, but they didn't want it." "They said get rid of it, but I felt funny." "And then I forgot about it." "It's been sitting there for three years until he saw it." "All right, so just take what you want, and let's get it out of here." "What's in it?" "Grandpa clothes." "I can't wear them." "You want these?" "Knee socks." "You don't wear knee socks." "No." "Go ahead." "Look at this place." "I can't wait to get it cleaned." "I know somebody who'll do it." "She's good, she's honest..." "No, Elaine's got this writer friend from Finland." "Rava." "Her boyfriend goes to Columbia grad school." "And he's supposed to do it." "Students can't clean." "It's anathema." "They don't like it." "How long you been waiting to squeeze that into a conversation?" "Now, this, I like." "Wait a second." "I can't believe this." " Let me see this." " Wait, wait." " Let me just see it for a second." " No." "Come on, come on." " Oh, my God." "It's exactly the same." " What?" "When I was 10 years old, my parents had this very same statue on the mantel of our apartment." "Exactly." "And one day I grabbed it, I was using it as a microphone." "I was singing "MacArthur Park."" "And I got to the part about, "I'll never have the recipe again" and it slipped out my hand, and it broke." "My parents looked at me like I smashed the Ten Commandments." "To this day, they bring it up." "It was the single most damaging experience of my life." "Aside from seeing my father naked." " Come on, I saw it first." " Kramer, I have to have the statue." " I got dibs." " No dibs." "I need the statue." "Give it!" "Spread out." "You numbskulls." "Why don't you just settle it like mature adults?" " Potato man." " No, no." "No potato man." "Inka-dink." "Okay." " Yeah, start with me." " Yeah." "Good, good." "Inka-dink, a bottle of ink The cork fell out, and you stink" "Not because you're dirty Not because you're clean" "Just because you kissed a girl Behind the magazine" " And you are..." " Wait a minute." "No." "...it" " What?" "What are you doing?" "No, no." "Oh, okay." "All right." "He's out, I get it." " No, no, no." "I'm it." "I win." " No." "He's it." "He wins." "It is good." "Do over." "Start with him." "No, no." "Come on, Kramer." "Now, you got the socks." "All right, you can have it." "Okay." "I'm gonna take the suit and shoes and the hat." " All right." "Let's go." "Hey, I look like Joe Friday in Dragnet." "I can't believe I won at inka-dink." " Come on, let's go." " Yeah." " Aren't you gonna take it?" " I don't wanna carry it around." "I'll pick it up later." "What about your stuff?" "Okay." "All right, let's go." "Hey..." "You know, you owe me one." " What?" " The inka-dink." "You were it." " It's bad?" " It's very bad." "If they don't let you be my editor on this I go to another publisher." "It's that simple." " You told them that?" " Of course." "Oh, this is so fantastic." "I don't know how to thank you." "Where's this boyfriend of yours?" "I can't wait much longer, I got a flight." "He's probably caught in traffic." "Or maybe he's dead." "So, what do you write, children's books?" "That's Ray." "Greetings." "Greetings and salutations." "I beg your forgiveness." "My tardiness was unavoidable." "Rava, my love." "Elaine, dear friend." "And you must be Jerry, lord of the manor." "My liege." "A pleasure to serve you." "All right." "Well, we have to get back to work." "I gotta get to the airport." "Your palace shall sparkle like the stars in heaven upon your safe arrival, sire." "The toilet brush is under the sink." "I don't feel comfortable with a maid either." "There's that guilt when someone's cleaning your house." "You're sitting on the sofa, they go by with the vacuum." ""I'm really sorry about this." "I don't know why I left that stuff over there."" "That's why I could never be a maid." "I would have that attitude." "I'd find them, wherever they are." ""I suppose you couldn't do this." "No, don't get up." "Let me clean up your filth." "No, you couldn't dust." "Oh, this is too tough, isn't it?"" "He really did an amazing job." "Look." "He uncoagulated the top of the dishwashing liquid." "He cleaned out the bottom of the little egg cups." "Come here, look at this." "He cleaned in the little one-inch area between the refrigerator and the counter." "How'd he get in there?" "He must be like Rubber Man." "There's no Rubber Man." "Why did I think there was a Rubber Man?" "There's Elastic Man, Plastic Man..." " I'm leaving." " Where are you going?" "To Rava's." "I gotta pick up her manuscript." " Oh, wait, I'll go with you." " Okay." "Elaine, he Windexed the little peephole." "So the meeting with Lippman is all set." "He's the editor in chief." " I think because of your request." " Demand." "They're gonna promote me to editor." "Darn tooting." "There's Ray, late as usual." "Well." "This is an unexpected surprise." "And delight." "The once and future king of comedy, Jerry the first gracing our humble abode." "Rava, we are in the presence of royalty." "Hey, Ray, listen." "You really did a tremendous job cleaning that apartment." "But I didn't just clean your apartment." "It was a ritual, a ceremony." "A celebration of life." "Shouldn't you be out on a ledge somewhere?" "He's funny." " Water's boiling." "Are we having tea?" " Yes." "Yes." "Jerry?" " Jerry." " What?" "Ray, would you give me a hand, please?" "Yeah, I'm coming." "I think that's the statue from my house." "That looks like the statue from my house." " What statue?" " I had a statue." "You do?" "I never saw a statue." "My grandfather gave me a statue." " Since when?" " What's the difference?" "That's the one." "He ripped me off." "This guy ripped me off." "Do you take sugar?" " No." " No." "I can't believe it." "This guy ripped me off." " Do you realize what you're saying?" " Yes, this guy ripped me off." "He stole that statue right out of my house." "Lemon?" " Sure." " Yeah." " Are you sure?" " Pretty sure." " 99-percent sure." " 99-percent sure?" "Sweet elixir, its fragrant nectar a soothing balm for the soul." "Those are the pastries." "Take care of that." "I'm gonna get Elaine the manuscript." "The pastries." "Maybe it just looks the same." "It's a coincidence." "Coincidence?" "This guy's in my apartment, and by coincidence he has the exact same statue in his apartment?" " I never saw any statue." " I had a statue." "What should I do?" "I'll call Kramer." "He can check my house." "Oh, Jerry." " Don't blow this for me." " Don't worry." "Kramer." "It's Jerry." "Jerry." "From next door." "Never mind where I am." "Yes, Jerry Seinfeld." "Ma, I told you just dip the bread in the batter and put it in the pan." "Okay, bye." "My mother." "She forgot how to make French toast." "You know how mothers are." "My mother left us when I was 6 years old." "All seven of us." "We never heard from her again." "I hope she's rotting in an alley somewhere." "My mom's down in Florida." "She's got one of those condos." "Hot down there in the summer." "You ever been down there?" "I love these pastries." "In Scandinavian mythology, the pastries were the food of the gods." "Listen, I just remembered, I'm getting a facial." "Oh, I'll see you tomorrow morning." " How about dinner?" " No, I don't eat dinner." "Dinner's for suckers." "Yeah, okay." "Thanks anyway." "Bye." "Nope." "Cop says it's my word against his." "There's nothing they can do." "Let's go get him." " Yeah, right." " We can't let him get away with this." "You realize how crazy he had to be to do this?" "He knew I was gonna know it's missing and that he took it." "And of all things to take." "I left my watch, tape recorder, stereo." "He's crazy." "You wanna go get him?" "If he's crazy, you should just forget it." "Forget it?" "I already called my parents." "I told them to expect the surprise of a lifetime." "My mother's making her roasted potatoes." "George, do you realize that Rava has asked me to edit her book?" "Who is this Rava?" "I say we get him." " Let me just call him." " I'll call him." "Hello, Ray?" "Hi, Ray." "This is Rava's friend, Elaine's friend, Jerry." "Yeah, the king of comedy, right." "Listen, you know that statue on your mantel the one with...?" "The blue lady?" "Would you shut up?" "!" "Yeah." "Oh, you don't want to talk about it over the phone." "You don't want Rava to hear." "Yeah, I understand." "You know the coffee shop near my house, Monk's?" "All right, tomorrow, 1:00." "Great." "Okay, bye." "All right, look." "Look, look." " Let's say he stole it." " Oh, he stole it." "You can't do anything about it." "The cops won't do anything." "What, are you gonna go fight him?" "Why don't you just forget it." " No." " No." "Thought you said 1:00." "Relax." "He's late." "He's always late." "It's part of his m.o." "Remember, don't take any crap." "Yeah, yeah." "Don't worry about it." " I'll be right here." " That's comforting." "He's coming." "Ray." "Jerry." "I can't believe you asked me about that statue." "You know how much trouble you could've gotten me in?" " Well, I..." " Rava was standing right next to me." "I never told her where I got the statue." " I wonder why." " Well, just give it back and I won't say anything." " Give it back?" " Yeah." " What are you talking about?" " What's he talking about?" " I'm talking about the statue." " Yeah, me too." " Give it back to whom?" " Me." " You?" " Yeah, me." " I'm not getting this." " You already got it." "Ray, I had a statue in my house." "You were in my house." "And then I saw it in your house." " What are you saying?" " What am I saying?" "Take a wild guess." "Are you saying I stole your statue?" " What a mind." " Well, I..." " I can't believe what I'm hearing." " I can't believe what I'm hearing." "For your information, I got that statue in a pawnshop." " Pawnshop?" " A pawnshop?" "In Chinatown, with money I earned cleaning apartments." " Cleaning them out." " Oh, excuse me." "Yeah." "Look, Ray, you were the only person in my house." "What's behind this?" "It's Rava, isn't it?" "Again with the Rava." " You want her." " No, she's a little too cheery for me." "She's from Finland, for crying out loud." "Finland!" "Do you understand?" "I know Finland." "They're neutral." "Is it me?" "Do I rub you the wrong way?" "No, actually, I find you quite charming." "A bit verbose at times." ""I find you so charming." You wuss." " Did you call me a wuss?" " What did you say?" "I said, "luss."" "I'm at a "luss."" "I'd love to take you to the pawnshop where I got it." "That's not necessary." "You know, maybe it's not that bad an idea." "And I would love to." "Nothing would please me more." "But unfortunately, the guy retired and moved to Singapore." "Singapore?" "Do you hear this?" "If you really want, maybe I can contact the guy in Singapore." "Have him make a Photostat of the receipt and send it over." " That's it." "That's it!" "I can't take it." "I can't take it anymore!" "You stole the statue!" "You're a thief!" "You're a liar!" " George." " Who is this?" "I'm the judge and the jury, pal." "And the verdict is, guilty!" " What is going on here?" " Guilty!" " Your friend is crazy." " Oh, I'm crazy!" " George, George." " I've gotta get going." "I have a class." "Oh, a class, huh?" "A class." "At Columbia?" "Let me tell you something." "I called the registrar's office." "I checked you out." "They have no record of a Ray Thomas at that school, you liar!" "That is because I am registered under my full legal name Raymond Thomas Wochinski." "Ray Thomas is my professional name." "You mean "alias."" "You are starting to make me angry." "Well that was bound to happen." "I hope you think about what you've done here today." "And if you wanna call and apologize you know where to reach me." " Hey, Ray." " Yes?" "How did you get the goop out of the top of the dishwashing liquid?" "It was like a brand-new nozzle." " Nervous?" " Why should I be?" "Yeah." "Right." "Your notes were very insightful." "The book is great." "Did you go out last night?" "No, we made love on the floor like two animals." "Ray is insatiable." "They all are." "Was Jerry?" "I can't remember." "You know, Ray is very upset over these accusations." "I'm staying out of this one." "This is between them." "I am not getting involved." "So you think he stole it?" "You have to admit, the circumstantial evidence..." "I admit nothing." "Will you put that cigarette out, please?" "I mean, he was in the apartment and then it's gone, and it's in your apartment." " Maybe you think we're in cahoots." " No." "But it's quite a coincidence." "Yes, that's all, a coincidence." "Big coincidence." "Not a big coincidence." "A coincidence." "No, that's a big coincidence." "That's what a coincidence is." "There are no small coincidences and big coincidences." "No." "There are degrees of coincidences." "No." "There are only coincidences." "Ask anyone." "Are there big coincidences and small coincidences or just coincidences?" "Well?" "Will you put that cigarette out?" "Maybe I put it out on your face." "It's just like Ray said." "You and Jerry, you're jealous of our love." "You're trying to destroy us." "Shouldn't you be out on a ledge somewhere?" "Ma, will you stop?" "It's just a statue." "How is it my fault?" "It was stolen." "I didn't even touch it this time." "Okay, fine." "I don't see why this should affect the potatoes." "Okay!" "Goodbye." "She doesn't react to disappointment very well." "Unlike me." "I'm not happy about this." "Why don't we just throw a Molotov cocktail through their window." "There's just no justice." "This experience has changed me." "It's made me more cynical, more bitter, more jaded." " Really?" " Sure." "Why not?" "How do you think I feel?" "Instead of editing the first novel of a major young writing talent I am proofreading a food-allergy cookbook." " Can't you talk to your boss?" " I did." "He loves Rava." "Worse, he loves Ray." "And he doesn't think you're funny at all." "I'm not happy about this." "Perhaps we can take comfort in the knowledge that in the next world, Ray will be the recipient of a much larger and more harsh brand of justice." "Yeah, he'll have my parents." "Police." "Open up!" "Police?" " Freeze, mama!" " Hey, hey..." "Shut up!" "Spread them." "I said, spread them!" "You're in big trouble, son." "Burglary, grand larceny possession of stolen goods." " And murder!" " Murder?" "Shut up!" "Keep them spread." "You just make love to that wall, pervert." "Hey, I think you have me confused with somebody else." " Is your name Ray?" " Yeah." "Yeah, you're the punk I'm looking for!" "Hey." "Hey, are you a cop?" "Yeah, I'm a cop." "I'm a good cop." "I'm a damn good cop!" "And today's your lucky day, junior." "Because I'm gonna let you off with just a warning." "Any more of this criminal activity, and you'll be sorry." "You got me?" "I don't know what you're talking about." "Good, good." "Let's keep it that way." "All right, all right." "What's the big hubbub, bub?" "Kramer, I can't believe it." " Oh, you're my hero!" " Yeah." " Kramer, what did you do?" " Well, let's put it this way:" "I didn't take him to People's Court." "I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders." "I..." "I feel happy!" "Kramer, I don't know how to thank you." "Well, I'll think of something." "People are going to steal from you." "You can't stop them." "But everybody has their own little personal security things." "Things that they think will foil the crooks, you know, in your mind." "You go to the beach, go in the water." "Put your wallet in the sneaker." "Who's gonna know?" "What criminal mind could penetrate this fortress of security?" ""I tied a bow." "They can't get through that."" ""I put the wallet down by the toe of the sneaker." "They never look there." "They check the heel, they move on."" "Subtitles by SDI Media Group"