"*" "* you won't admit you love me * * and so * * how am i ever * * to know?" "* * you always tell me * * perhaps, perhaps, perhaps *" "* perhaps * * perhaps *" "* perhaps *" "no!" "yes." "she never-- she did." "serious problem, steve." "top of the range problem." "problem number one." "this is like captain problem." "this is like, "houston, forget that other thing."" "it's always "problem number one."" "why isn't it ever "problem number 27"?" "what, trapped dental floss?" "so at some point you've sat down, thought about all your problems, and... numbered them?" "well, we've all had nights like those." "and you got as far as 27?" "can i just remind you of your situation?" "i know about my situation." "there is now no lock." "i know." "no lock, steve." "i know." "on your toilet door!" "i don't see the problem." "you never see the problem." "you are problem-blind." "you'll probably carry on being happy till the day you die-- then you'll see." "but no lock!" "i get that, i do." "your actual bathroom door, totally lockless!" "yes, i know, i was there." "steve, you can never go to the toilet again." "well, obviously i suggested we put it back on again." "yeah, and so rejoin the civilized world." "and she said, "it's hardly worth it, is it?"" "you protested, of course." "in the only language she understands." "which is?" "total agreement." "i still don't see the problem." "( sighs ) okay... let's try this one more time." "patrick has a girlfriend." "yeah?" "a girlfriend." "yeah, got that." "patrick--okay?" " has a girlfriend." "patrick, girlfriend, he's got one. up to speed." "a girlfriend!" "it's only a lock." "only a lock?" "only a lock?" "what's so important about a lock?" "you need to be enclosed." "secure all areas." "otherwise you can't de-clench." ""de-clench"?" "de-clenching is out of the question without a lock." "no offense, but have you guys ever been de-clenched?" "you need security." "exactly." "you need to be able to say to yourself," ""i'm safe. i'm alone." ""no one's gonna walk in and laugh." "mummy's gone to the shops."" "you're scaring me now." "you gotta be really quiet in case there's secret listeners." "secret listeners?" "there could be secret listeners." "you can't rule them out." "well, it's fairly unusual to rule them in." "if you want the lock back on the door, why don't you just tell her?" "that's what i'd do if my girlfriend made an error in household maintenance." "household maint-- i'm sorry?" "i'm sorry, what?" "are we to understand that there's some woman you're currently seeing and you refer to her as... your "girlfriend"?" "so patrick has a girlfriend." "i don't see the problem." "oh, for god's sake." "susan has invited us all to dinner." "right." "i'll be there." "patrick will be there." "patrick's girlfriend will be there." "so?" "i thought you and patrick had agreed to see other people anyway." "of course we did, and it was my idea." "i suggested we should both pursue other relationships." "but i didn't mean specifically him." "oh!" "can i bring someone, too?" "someone?" "someone real, or just a friend?" "real." "but not james?" "no, james is still in germany or one of those countries." "but we also agreed to see other people while we work out our feelings." "of course, james doesn't believe in sex before marriage, so i can be more thorough." "so who's this new one?" "he moved in across the street from me about a month ago." "gorgeous!" "how gorgeous?" "knitting pattern?" "better than knitting pattern." "shaving advert?" "gay porn." "wow!" "result!" "i lucked out one morning and saw him standing at his window." "it was like a combination of fate and destiny." "so, come on-- tell us everything." "he works in pizza delivery." "which just answers all your prayers, doesn't it?" "man, motorbike, has own food!" "right." "he's handsome, yet romantic." "inside, he's just a lost little boy." "but only i know that, because there's a secret chamber to his heart to which only i have the key." "and i just can't stop looking at him." "i just want to look at him all the time-- all day, every day." "from the moment i wake up in the morning to the moment he closes his curtains." "so, this, um, relationship of yours-- does it in any way involve, you know, him?" "oh. we're still keeping it at the not-actually-met-yet level." "sometimes i look at him sitting there, waiting, and sometimes i can almost hear the terrible voices of his inner torments echoing out from the great black emptiness of his heart" ""i'm alone." "nobody wants me." ""i'm a sad, boring little person" ""who has to be the center of attention" ""every second of the day" ""just to drown out the screaming choirs" ""of my own insanity, and i'll never find a man of my own!"" "oh, my god-- do you think he's gay?" ""girlfriend" is just a word, like "waitress" or "masseurs"... or "valve."" "it's a word you never use." "okay, fair point." "generally i don't like to use the word "girlfriend"" "in case it's mistaken for affection, but jennifer is different." "different how?" "she doesn't like me that much." "she even sees other people." "for once in my life, i'm in a relationship and i don't have to worry about my exit strategy." "isn't that great?" "your dna must cry itself to sleep at night." "so, do we get to meet her?" "yeah. susan said i should bring her to dinner." "oh, susan wants to know if you're gonna bring julia." "uh, no." "probably not." "is there a problem?" "we haven't seen her in ages." "no, no, no. no problem, no problem at all." "talkin' of problems, sally's coming to this dinner, isn't she?" "hi." "come on in." "so--is she here yet?" "are they here?" "are patrick and that woman here?" "in the living room." "you okay?" "fine. great. terrific." "okay, this is it, this is the problem." "when i meet patrick's girlfriend, i'll be over-nice." "over-nice?" "you've been there." "we've all been there." "she's the girlfriend of a bloke who's a friend of yours, so you've gotta prove you're not some kind of mad dinner-for-one girl who secretly wants the bloke for herself." "do you want to run "dinner-for-one girl" past us?" "you know how some women go to the supermarket and they see all those little dinner-for-ones and it's like you can hear them calling" ""come to us, sally harper!" "come join us!"" "yeah, i've noticed they do that." "and it's always your name, isn't it?" "you've got to prove to this girl that you're not jealous of her, so you've gotta be really, really pleased to meet her." "and you over-nice her." "suddenly you're talking really loudly, and every time she makes a joke, you're laughing away like an enormous aunt and using words like "super" and "lovely."" ""oh, don't you just look so super in that dress?"" "and "oh, don't you have lots of lovely freckles?"" "and "you're so brave, not wearing a bra."" "the last one wasn't that nice." "well, it's dinner, she could at least wear underwear." "is that her?" "'fraid so." "patrick's in the loo." "she's got perfect skin." "deep fry everything." "oh, hi!" "sorry." "jennifer, this is sally." "sally, jennifer." "good to meet you." "good to meet you." "lovely." "super!" "great." "isn't this super?" "then there'll be this big pause, and i'll just stand there smiling away like a nun with concussion." "and i'll just be praying that for once in my life i don't say something amazingly stupid." "i could eat your hair!" "i just mean, it's nice." "lovely hair." "really lovely." "well, thanks." "oh, sorry about the walkman." "it's just some work i need to finish." "work?" "jennifer works in the music industry." "deadline tomorrow, still not done." "you know how it is." "well, that's an interesting job, isn't it?" "well done!" "thank you. again." "and you're so slim, too." "slim and interesting." "i'm so pleased." "well, thanks." "slim." "slim-slimmity-slim from slimtown, slimania!" "you're very kind." "look at you-- if you turned sideways, you'd drop dead." "though obviously, i hope you don't." "( doorbell ) oh, thank god." "i mean, i'll just, um, get that." "sally, hi." "hi, patrick." "so, you two have met, then?" "mm-hmm." "the problem is, what do i tell jennifer about sally?" "how do i make it seem credible that i know a woman?" "you just have to explain that sally's an attractive, single female friend with whom you have an entirely non-sexual relationship." "well, that's what i've told her." "i've already said that." "good." "i mean, i summarized." "summarized?" "yeah, i thought "lesbian" covered it." "you told her that sally is a lesbian?" "!" "i hinted at that, yes." "hinted?" "i hinted something in that general area." "what did you say?" "i said that sally is the kind of woman who... is a lesbian." "sally?" "!" "who's gonna believe sally's a lesbian?" "sally could be a lesbian." "Jeff, please!" "bit of effort, no problem." "but she isn't." "that's the point!" "it could happen, though." "she could be... she could be havin' a shower, maybe." "and probably jane would be there." "and she might happen to say," ""jane, could you help me soap my breasts?"" ""your breasts, sally?"" ""yes, jane, it's those tricky undersides."" ""oh, i know what you mean, sally." ""breasts can be a real dirt trap." "let me get the shower nozzle."" "you do understand that there's a difference between real life and low-quality lesbian porn?" "you don't know that." "what?" "!" "you don't know what women get up to on their own." "why reject the only evidence we have?" "it's not evidence!" "it might be." "maybe women are completely different when we're not with them." "maybe they're not cross all the time." "you can't say sally's a lesbian." "you know it'll go wrong." "how?" "excuse me a moment." "yes, of course." "well, i'm very jealous." "wish i could get into those jeans." "anyway, you can't say that about sally." "she might not exactly be pleased." "well, jennifer won't think any less of her." "it turns out that, uh..." "jennifer's quite into women." "you lucky bastard!" "too lucky." "far, far too lucky." "so, where is he, then?" "where's mr. perfect?" "oh, he'll be here, don't you worry." "actually, i better just give him a ring." "so, how did you finally crack it, then?" "how did you meet him?" "hello?" "could i order a pizza, please?" "oh, jane!" "( doorbell ) that'll be Jeff." "well, remind him not to frighten jennifer." "why would he frighten her?" "he might say something." "what's he gonna say?" "steve, i've worked out how to go to the toilet." "i'm going to your loo right now, and i'm not a bit scared." "ask me why." "Jeff, patrick's new girlfriend's here." "promise me you won't frighten her." "why would i frighten her?" "do you wanna see my secret toilet weapon?" "i'd like the tall, dark one, please." "with eyes as green as the sea and twice as deep... and a way of looking at you that makes the sky spin and your heart beat in your chest like a caged beast of desire." "oh, i see what you mean." "i'll have a margarita with extra mushrooms." "are you talkin' to me?" "you talkin' to me?" "pow!" "pow!" "pow!" "pow!" "area secure, 007." "( walkman blasting )" "( knock at door )" "what's that?" "it's, uh... it's a toilet aid." "a toilet aid?" "it helps me de-clench." "( water runs in bathroom ) oh, i'll just be a moment." "well." "well." "so, am i to assume that you and patrick have some kind of open relationship?" "why do you ask?" "you know, just wondering." "just wondering if this open relationship extends to you slipping out to the loo for a quick fumble with one of his best friends?" "i think you know what i mean." "yeah, um, i-- i think i do." "well?" "you're very direct, aren't you?" "sorry, sometimes i don't bother with the niceties." "uh, well, okay, yeah-- yeah, you're right." "patrick and i do see other people, as a matter of fact." "we're not what you'd call serious or anything." "i take it that's of interest to you?" "why should it be of interest to me?" "well, you are being rather obvious." "am i?" "obvious?" "do you really think so?" "well, yes." "no. i am not obvious." "i am nev-- oh, god!" "are you all right?" "how could i be obvious?" "i was going for repressed." "i'm usually so good at that." "yeah, i think you may have slipped a little there." "i always do this." "i always go completely mad for the one person i shouldn't." "well, it might be a little bit early to say completely mad." "yes, i suppose." "damnit!" "listen, would it cheer you up to know that patrick really isn't my type?" "he isn't?" "is that good news in any way?" "well... fairly good news, i suppose." "and, uh, as it happens, i might just have my eye on one of his friends." "i did get that impression." "good." "being a bit obvious yourself." "so, definitely good news, then?" "really quite good news, actually." "because, you know, when i walked in and saw you looking so gorgeous and young and slim, with all those eyes, i just thought..." ""what chance do i have?"" "every chance, sally." "every chance." "oh, jennifer, i could kiss you!" "tell you what, why don't we go out some time next week?" "that would be lovely." "we could have a chat, and who knows where it might all lead?" "who knows?" "great." "you won't tell patrick, will you?" "i'd die." "trust me, he would think it was the biggest turn-on ever." "do you really think so?" "( indistinct conversation )" "( mouthing words )" "what's wrong?" "i was just wondering what i did with my walkman." "i thought i left it in here." "no, you were wearing it when you were sitting on the loo." "yeah, right." "of course i was." "yeah." "how did you know that?" "i popped in." "popped in?" "i could see you were busy, i didn't like to say anything." "oh. right." "no lock, you see, on the door." "no lock." "right, yeah, of course." "sorry, that must have been a bit embarrassing for you." "oh, no, not at all." "i didn't see anything good." "oh, right." "uh, well, when i say "good," um, i saw nothing... below the rim." "fine." "i think we can leave the subject now, Jeff." "of the toilet." "yes, Jeff, thank you." "so, the food okay for everyone?" "oh, fine." "well done." "fantastic." "that pizza's taking its time." "thank you, jane." "pizza?" "jane's invited her new boyfriend." "which is good, because she's never actually met him." "that's not true." "i bumped into him in the post office two days ago." "did you actually speak to him?" "i introduced myself." "managed to avoid gushing." "told him i lived in the flat opposite." "and let me tell you, girls, binoculars do not do that man justice." "really." "which i think he was pleased to know." "um, jennifer." "sally?" "you didn't know" "Jeff was in the bathroom with you?" "well, no." "right." "( thinking: ) just wondering if this open relationship extends to you slipping off to the loo for a quick fondle with one of his best friends... are you all right?" "fine." "well, i wasn't in the bathroom on purpose." "there's no lock on the door." "we got that." "i'm not like a secret listener or somethin'." "a what?" "you know how when you go to the toilet you always try to be really quiet-- it's not a widely-known problem, Jeff." "not that i'm saying that you make a lot of noise." "you're very quiet." "Jeff!" "not that i'd know, of course." "maybe you're not." "please!" "maybe that's why you have to wear the walkman." "Jeff, is there somewhere we can fit you with an "off" switch?" "look, it's not my fault, it's susan's fault." "she took the lock off." "you said so yourself." "oh, for heaven's sake, you haven't been discussing your bathroom lock issues with your little pals, have you?" "of course i haven't!" "why would i do that?" "no, no, you did." "patrick." "in the bar, remember?" "yeah, at the bar, the other night." "thank you both." "nice work." "men and toilets-- the love that dare not speak its name." "what's that about?" "oh, jennifer, i could kiss you!" "steve: we are men!" "throughout history we have always needed, in times of difficulty, to retreat to our caves." "it so happens in this modern age that our caves are fully plumbed." "the toilet, for us, is the last bastion, the final refuge, the last few square feet of man-space left to us!" "somewhere to sit, something to read, something to do, and who gives a damn about the smell?" "because that, for us, is happiness." "because we are men." "we are different." "we have only one word for "soap."" "we do not own candles." "we have never seen anything of any value in a craft shop." "we do not own magazines full of photographs of celebrities with all their clothes on." "when we have conversations, we actually take it in turns to talk!" "but we have not yet reached that level of earth-shattering boredom and inhuman despair where we would have a haircut recreationally." "we don't know how to get excited about really, really boring things, like ornaments, bath oil, the countryside, vases, small churches." "i mean, we do not even know what in the name of god's ass is the purpose of potpourri!" "looks like breakfast, smells like your auntie!" "why do we need that?" "so please-- in this strange and frightening world, allow us one last place to call our own." "this toilet, this blessed pot, this fortress of solitude." "you girls, you may go to the bathroom in groups of two or more." "yet we do not pass comment, we do not make judgment." "that is your choice." "but we men will always walk the toilet mile alone." "would you like me to put the lock back on the toilet door, dear?" "would you mind?" "you should have asked." "that's true, actually, women always go in groups." "look at jennifer and sally-- in the loo together for ages, and they've only just met." "( Jeff snorts ) what's the matter with you now?" "he thinks you and sally spent your time flirting and probably arranging a lesbian date." "you had no business listening!" "that is between sally and myself!" "sorry, i, um-- you think i'm gay?" "why would you think i'm gay?" "well, patrick told me." "patrick?" "yes, sally?" "did you tell jennifer i'm gay?" "uh, well, i-- i may-- i may have inadvertently-- but what's the big deal?" "i mean, you are gay." "of course i'm not gay!" "then if you're not gay, why did you come on to me?" "she did, patrick." "she came on to me like big time." "i did not!" "i absolutely did not!" "i'm not making this up!" "why would i?" "why did you do that?" "i didn't!" "you shouldn't be coming on to my girlfriend." "you leave her alone, she can do what she likes." "tell us everything." "Jeff!" "she said that she was completely mad about me, and she was practically in tears." "i thought we were talking about patrick." "i wasn't saying i was completely mad about you, you stupid woman, i was saying i was mad about patrick!" "* and then i go and spoil it all * * by saying something stupid like "i love you" *" "* "i love you" *" "* "i love you" * sally!" "pizza for one." "that'll be for me." "* the time is right * * your perfume fills my head, the stars get red * * and though the night's so blue *" "* and then i go and spoil it all * * by saying something stupid like "i love you" *" "* "i love you" *" "* "i love you" *"