"No, madam, the "do not disturb sign"" "is hanging on the inside of your door for you to use." "Yes." "You're free to leave the room whenever you wish." "You're welcome." "Did you hear that?" "Unbelievable." "Ohh." "I had a man yesterday who asked me if the beach was air-conditioned." "Well, I know the nudist beach isn't, so I assume the Levante's the same." "Good morning." "Er..." "Oh, welcome to the..." "The salon's very busy today." "What?" "Oh, don't say that." "I was hoping to nip in for a pedicure on my lunch hour." "Is it safe to use an angle grinder in such a confined space?" "Eh?" "Nothing." "Good morning, Solana." "So how can I help you?" ""Hello." "I was wondering if you have any rooms free next week..." "Hello?" "Hello?"" "Paper?" "Tiger, today's paper?" "No, thanks." "Fancy a swim?" "No." "What about a drink?" "No, thank you." "You've got to crack your face sometimes, son." "You've been sulking all day." "I'm not sulking." "It's called embarrassment." "Everyone's embarrassed when they're a teenager." "You've just got to work your way through it." "You!" "I'm embarrassed about you!" "What are you embarrassed about me for?" "Let me think." "What did my 52-year-old father do last night that could have possibly have been embarrassing?" "Perving over woman half his age." "And when they said they weren't interested, getting into a fight with them." "Which one was supposed to be half my age?" "You've gotta be joking." "They were a right pair of munters." " So why were you chatting them up?" "Who keeps texting you?" "Auntie Terri." "You tell her she's gotta keep her nose out of my business." "Don't believe a word she says." "It's all a load of rubbish." "Do you hear me?" "OK." "Hola." "Jacqueline, we need to talk." "Oh, morning." "Morning." "I've been sick with worry all night." "Worry?" "What are you worried about?" "You don't remember I propositioned you last night?" "No." "Really?" "Not that I remember." "You just finished your drinks, said you were having an early night and went off to bed." "My God." "Those two lager shandies must've hit me hard last night." "I haven't drunk pints since I was 18." "I think I'm a still a bit tiddly." "That is a relief." "I've been wringing my hands all morning." "I've been up since seven as well." "Half the day's gone now." "Don't worry about it." "I've got nothing planned." "Well, I say that, I might have a dip in the pool later on." "I don't think I could spend another day just sitting, staring at the pool." "I tend to get panic attacks if I've got nothing to do." "You know, alone with my thoughts." "Glynn, I said last night, why don't you just call your wife and say you think this wife swap thing was a mistake?" "No, no." "She's having the time of her life." "Every time I text her to see if she's OK, she says she can't get enough of it." "Well, Donald is an amazing man." "I know I instigated this whole thing, but I can't get over the fact you're so happy with your husband spending time with another man's wife." "My wife." "Well, I look at it this way." "Our next-door-neighbour has a drill but it doesn't have a hammer function." "You know, to go into solid walls like ours does." "So we're only too happy to let them borrow it from time to time." "But you can't compare your husband to an electric hammer drill." "Well, you say that, mmm..." "Mateo, can you help Leslie set up this competition he's doing in Neptunes for tonight." "I think you need some tables from the Hawaiian function room." "No problem." "Everything's OK?" "You're looking very... fresh-faced?" "What is fish-faced?" "Not fish face, fresh face." "You know, youthful, boyish, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed." "I think I understood until you got to the bushy tail." "You haven't been to see Kenneth, by any chance, have you?" "Kenneth?" "Yeah." "I notice business is very brisk for him lately." "Most people seem to be leaving his salon looking ten years younger." "No." "I do not know about this." "Perhaps because I have a shave today, maybe this is what you like." "My bushy tail." "Close your eyes and lean forward." "What are you going to do?" "Do you like working here?" "No." "I'll rephrase that." "Do you need this job?" "Yes." "Then close your eyes and lean forward." "What are you going to do?" "I'm going to jab you in the forehead with this drinking straw." "OK." "Tell me when you are going to do it." "Hello?" "Mrs Temple-Savage, can I open my eyes now?" "Right, who's next?" "It's Lorraine next." "Lorraine?" "Er, Kenneth, could I have a word, please?" "Sorry, Joyce, I'm rushed off my feet." "Fine." "I'll just go and check your electricity supply, make sure there are no imminent blowouts." "That's blackmail." "Actually, you're in luck." "I was due a fag break anyway." "Back in five minutes, ladies." "Kenneth?" "Kenneth!" "Unbelievable." "Come on, we'll have to go outside." "Hang on." "This won't take a minute." "I need to know what you're doing in there." "Well, what we always do." "Hair and beauty." "Then why are you all dragged up like Dr Kildare?" "Who?" "Kenneth, I need to know what's going on in my hotel." "Head Office have been on the phone and I can't stall them any longer." "Head Office?" "Crystal Hennessey-Vas herself." "Well, we've started to diversify." "Well, go on." "Waxing, eyelash tint, a bit of Botox." "Botox?" "!" "I knew it." "Don't you need a licence for that?" "Shh!" "Keep your voice down." "I'm sorry, Kenneth," "I cannot allow back street Botox on my premises." "This kind of thing has to be administered by a licensed Medical Practitioner!" "All right." "Don't get your knickers in a twist." "I'm not exactly Vera Drake." "I don't see how I can keep this from Head Office." "How many do you want?" "I beg your pardon?" "How many free Botox sessions do you want?" "Do you honestly think my loyalty to the Solana Group can be paid off with free Botox injections?" "!" "Three sessions." "Five." "Half-past seven." "Six o'clock." "I'll see you there." "Come on, hurry up, the clients are starting to turn ugly." "I know." "Why do you think we're doing this in the first place?" "Right, we better start thinking about a bit of lunch." "A little light salad, I think." "Got to get back to my fighting weight." "Yeah, go on, I'll have a salad as well." "Two ensaladas mixtas... coming up." "Actually, you better make that three." "It's bleedin' boiling." "Well, take your coat off?" "Then I'd have to carry it." "Shut your mouth, Clive, you're catching flies." "What the bleedin' hell are you doin' here?" "I'm on my holidays." "Did you know she was coming?" "She texted me from the airport, but you told me not to believe anything she says." "I got free air miles with my Braun intimate lady shaver." "I got out the bath last night, was giving my growler a short, back and sides, when I thought, "I wonder if them air miles are still valid?"" "Oh, my God." "And here I am." "Surprise." "Here, Ti, give us hand with my case." "Room 382." "You go on ahead." "I can't walk fast cos I've got a bit of stubble rash." "It's making me walk like John Wayne." "Come on, sweetheart." "It doesn't hurt, it's just like four or five injections into your face." "Maybe nine or ten." "No, son, I don't think Botox is for me." "Tsk." "The thing is, I'd be worried it took all the character out my face." "Maybe just take a bit of character out of your face." "What, and be just like all the other women walking round Benidorm?" "No chance." "Where do you want this?" "Oh, good lad, I've been waiting for that." "Can you man the bar while I sort my questions out for tonight?" "Sure, no problem." "Mateo, tell my dad that Botox doesn't take all the character out of your face." "Botox?" "I do not know anything about Botox." "Right, then, I'd better be off." "Don't forget, big darts quiz night tonight." "I'm calling it Arrows and Answers." "I'll see you later." "What happened to your client confidentiality?" "It's a bit pointless when you're a 45-year-old man with a face like a 12-year-old trapped in a wind tunnel." "Hey, move out of the way." "Move out of the way." "What happened?" "Are you friends with this woman?" "No, but she's my sister." "Oh, my God, what's happened?" "She has been hit on the head by a falling lemon." "Falling from where?" "From a lemon tree." "The only tree round here is a palm tree." "No, this is a lemon palm tree." "It's exclusive to Benidorm." "It didn't hit her on the head, it hit her in the face." "How does a lemon fall from a tree that high and then turn a corner to hit somebody in the face?" "I was once poked in the face with a banana at a wedding reception in Dewsbury." "That seemed to go round a corner." "It nearly took my eye out." "What happened?" "What happened to me?" "Where am I?" "Oh, hello." "Who are you?" "You're fit as." "Oh, my God." "She's hallucinating." "My name is Mateo." "You have had a tragic freak accident where no-one it to blame." "Do you feel OK?" "What did you say your name was?" "My name is Mateo." "Mateo..." "Mateo..." "Are you feeling OK?" "No, not really." "Can you describe your symptoms?" "Well, for a kick-off, my Aunty Mary's twitching like a rabbit's nose." "Right, that's it." "There's nothing wrong with her." "Let's get her up." "Nothing wrong with her?" "She's got a massive black eye." "What's going on?" "Is everybody OK?" "There has been an accident." "I think they call it a "force of God"." "You know, where there are no responsibles." "Get someone up that palm tree to pull the rest of those lemons off." "They're a death trap." "Mateo, Mateo." "I want Mateo." "What exactly happened?" "I think the lemon fall from the tree." "Maybe." "It hit the woman in the face." "You mean this waxed lemon fell from that palm tree and hit that woman full in the face?" "It is a mystery." "Take this lemon and put it with the fruit in the bowl, which just happens to be sitting on your bar, and let us hope, for your sake, the woman that got hit in the face with the lemon does not solve the mystery." "Because that would put you out of a job." "What's going on?" "Closing early." "I'm afraid we've run out of supplies." "A victim of our own success, you might say." "What do you mean?" "I've got an appointment at six." "Are you deaf?" "We've sold out." "Haven't we, Liam?" "Completely." "We've gone through more needles this week than a crack house at Christmas." "Now listen to me." "We had a deal." "It's not shampoo we've run out of." "I can't just send Liam out to the Chinese shop to get a bag of Botox now, can I?" "We could always borrow some off Herbert." "There you go." "We can borrow some off Herbert." "You don't even know who he is." "I know I don't, but he's got spare Botox." "Shh!" "Keep your voice down, will ya?" "Look, why can't you just wait until Monday?" "What are you talking about?" "My face is dropping with every passing second." "She's got a point." "Thank you!" "For God sake." "Look, just go to Herbert's and ask if we can lend three or four boxes." "Three or four boxes?" "I'm not that bad!" "Calm down." "They're not all for you." "I'll be in the Piccadilly Bar having a well-deserved pint." "We'll give you a shout when we're ready." "I hope you're not going to have a drink before injecting into my face?" "I was thinking of getting completely hammered and putting you up in front of the dart board for that quiz tonight - then trying to score 180 in your forehead with three hypodermics." "He's joking." "We'll give you a shout when we get back." "So, basically, it's teams of two is what we're looking for." "One dart player and one quiz player." "Now we've only got space for four teams." "So come on, don't be shy." "We've got to get started after this next number." "Are you any good with arrows?" "Arrows?" "Darts." "Because I'd probably have somebody's eye out." "Mind you, I'm not that good at general knowledge either." "I mean I love my puzzle books, but without Donald I wouldn't know the capital of Paris." "The capital of France?" "I don't know that either." "Come on, you throwing the darts, me answering the questions." "Weren't you once in a women's darts team?" "Not quite." "A men's darts team?" "Dad, I'm putting our names down." "Yeah, whatever." "You could still be concussed, you know that?" "You should be in bed." "I intend to be, and not on my own." "Hola." "How are you feeling?" "Oh, not too bad, thanks." "I didn't put any makeup on my bruise cos it hurt too much." "You must think I look horrendous." "Yes, but you cannot see the bruise." "Any drinks?" "Yes, same again." "I'll be up there with the quiz." "OK." "I think he likes you." "Now come on, ladies and gents, I know there's no prize but it's only a bit of fun." "There must be two more people out there than wanna play?" "No?" "Cos I'm gonna start with the questions." "Nobody else?" "OK, well, the facts..." "Jesus!" "What the hell was that?" "You could've taken somebody's bloody eye out." "Who was that?" "You've got your final team, my friend." "Geoff Maltby, aka The Oracle." "And I'm Noreen." "I'm his " "And she's my PA!" "Let's do this." "Hit it, Darren." "# You're simply the best" "# Better than all the rest" "# Better than anyone" "# Anyone I've ever met" "# I'm stuck on your heart" "# I hang on every word you say" "# Tear us apart" "# Baby, I would rather be - Easy!" "Easy!" "Easy!" "Calm down, fella, it's only a game." "No, my friend, believe me, it's never "only" a game." "Ohh." "Where have you been?" "I told you I was going to the Piccadilly." "I didn't think you'd still be there." "It's been ages." "Tell me about it." "I've exhausted my repertoire." "I did A Wonderful World, Little White Bull." "I texted you to see if you wanted to do" "Cinderella Rockerfella but you never replied." "Are you drunk?" "No, I am not." "How dare you!" "I've had three or four pints." "Three or four pints?" "Ooh, give us that here." "The Wicked Witch of the West will be here soon, wanting her face pumped with poison." "Oh, I haven't seen these before." "How much did Herbert charge you?" "They're not from Herbert." "Who are they from?" "Curl Up  Dye?" "No." "Julie's?" "No." "They're not from Benny, in the indoor market, are they?" "She'll have mixed these up herself." "I got them from the Chinese shop." "What?" "I was taking the piss when I said that." "I know, but I've been everywhere else and nobody had any, so I thought it can't hurt to ask, and they gave me these." "It's not actually Botox, but it'll do the trick." "How much were they?" "How much do you usually pay?" "I can't remember." "About 80 euros a box?" "Four euros." "Four euros?" "!" "Per box." "That's four boxes, 16 euros." "But I haggled him down to ten." "Liam!" "Right, if you don't do this now, I'm cutting off your water." "Well?" "Take a seat." "Come on, fella, you're holding up the quiz." "You don't understand, do you?" "It's not me against them, it's me against the board." "I'm psyching the board out." "Can you do it a bit quicker, or we'll have a riot on our hands." "Whoo!" "Yes!" "One hundred and eighty!" "Get in!" "Get in!" "Easy!" "Easy!" "Easy!" "Easy!" "Is this guy for real?" "He had a few sugary drinks on the plane." "You must've been giddy t'first day of your holidays." "Yeah, when I was 12." "OK, that's the first round to Geoff." "The Oracle." "Oh, sorry." "The Oracle." "And the question is general knowledge." "You're in for 180 points." ""Philip Treacy is most famous for designing what?" Oh, heck now." "Let me think." "Um..." "No, he'll have to do it again." "I mean, can I have the question again?" ""Philip Treacy is most famous for designing what?"" "I think... ..the answer is cats." "Does Treacy Philips design cats?" "It's actually Philip Treacy." "But is cats your final answer?" "Are you all right?" "Yeah, thanks." "Yes, cats, final answer." "I'm sorry, that's the wrong answer." "But I can hand it over." "Is it hats?" "It is indeed." "28 points scored." "OK, second round." "Clive to throw first." "Go on, Dad, go on." "Two." "Three." "Another two." "Seven scored." "Pfff..." "Don't be afraid of using the top half of the board, fella." "I can always pull them out for ya." "Cheeky bastard." "Your drinks." "Here, does my eye look a bit wonky?" "What is "wonky"?" "You know, a bit dodgy." "Everything's a bit blurred." "Can you have a look?" "No." "I think it's OK." "I might have to go and have a lie down." "Room 382." "The thing is, I haven't got one of them signs for the door." "Do you know what I mean?" "Do you think I might be disturbed?" "What, do you mean like crazy?" "It's not for me to say." "No." "I mean without the sign on the door, what are the chances of someone entering my..." "private space?" "Room 382." "Don't worry, the hotel is very safe." "There is almost zero chance of any person entering your private space for the whole of your holiday." "Yeah." "The story of my life, mate." "You had to score a one there, Barry." "Unlucky." "Clive's up next." "Bloody hell, that was fast." "Let's have a look." "25, ten, and another 20. 55." "Puts you in the lead." "Good on you." "Danke schon." "Right, Geoff's next." "He's scoring big, but his team-mate just can't seem to cope with the answers." "Do you mind?" "Sorry, sorry." "Just settling now." "55 to beat." "What is wrong with you?" "Why do you keep talking?" "I'm just doing what they do on the telly." "Don't." "Just shut up." "And while we're at it, can we have a bit of order, please?" "For God's sake, how am I supposed to concentrate with that racket going on?" "!" "Hey?" "!" "Thank you." "Well, that's too quiet now!" "You're just taking the piss!" "No, mate, it's you that's taking the piss." "Just throw your darts!" "I'll chuck 'em when I'm good and ready." "You're holding it all up." "You know what the problem is with my son, don't you?" "Mm, he's an idiot?" "No." "Well, I suppose that's consumptive." "No, his problem is he was born too soon." "How do you mean?" "Well, these days they have untold numbers of conditions." "Asperger's, autism," "ACDC, but when our Geoff were a lad, well," "he was just annoying." "Are we playing this game or what?" "Aye, if you tell Penfold here to calm down." "Well, you started it!" "All right, game on." "The Oracle to throw." "55 to beat." "That's five scored." "Come on." "Agh!" "And another five." "Come on, Geoff." "Keep it together." "Yes!" "# You're simply the best - 60 scored." "Yes!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "# You're better than all the rest..." "Easy!" "Easy!" "OK, that's 70 scored." "Easy!" "If we can have a bit of order we'll have the question." "Noreen, how many wings does a butterfly have?" "Oh, now I know this one because it's a trick question, isn't it?" "Not really." "A butterfly has no wings." "Is that your final answer?" "No wings, final answer." "I'm sorry, the answer's four." "A butterfly has four wings." "Ohh." "I was thinking of a caterpillar." "Un... believable." "Yes, my friend?" "Tonic water, please, with just a touch of lime." "That ain't gonna get you merry in this place." "Ooh, I never touch alcohol." "I once drank so much when I was 16 that I had to have my stomach pumped." "Horrendous experience." "You get used to it." "Just the tonic water, yes?" "Yes." "No, no, a large Harvey Floorbanger with an extra toffee vodka shot, please." "Oh, for a friend." "How are you feeling?" "Eh?" "The incident today, when you got hit in the face with a lemon." "I inadvertently recorded the whole thing on my phone if you wanted to have a look?" "I've seen enough videos of me falling arse over tit, thanks." "I can't think one of me doing it sober's gonna be much different." "You've obviously forgiven him." "Forgiven who?" ""Argh!"" "Oh." "Oh dear." "Thank you very much." "Something for you?" "I'll have a vodka and Coke, no lemon." "I've heard they can be lethal in the wrong hands." "Ooh, yes, we've got a lot of lines to fill in here." "She looks like a road map of North Wales." "I think we're gonna need more than one session." "More than one session?" "I think we need a foot pump." "Do you mind not discussing me like a piece of meat?" "This is the free consultation." "Free?" "How many people actually pay you to psychologically rip them to pieces?" "We have to assess the condemned building before to try to unpin the foundations." "Will you just get on with it?" "She's right, you know, we're wasting valuable supping time." "Liam, let the magic begin." "Argh!" "What the bloody hell's the matter with you?" "!" "I haven't gone anywhere near you yet." "It's a needle." "What about it?" "I'm scared of them." "Ohh!" "So why have you booked in for a course of Botox?" "Because I thought my eyes would be closed." "Well, then, close your eyes." "I can't now I've seen you holding a needle." "Close your eyes!" "Argh!" "That was just my hand." "Sorry." "Right, forget it." "Please, please." "Have you got something" "I could bite onto, like a piece of wood?" "You wanna bit onto a piece of wood?" "We're not sawing your leg off." "I could do my lullaby." "What lullaby?" "When I was a teenager I used to sing a lullaby to my sisters to send them to sleep." "She's hardly a baby." "They were 22 at the time." "Ooh, God, the mind boggles." "Right, get on with it." "# Go to sleep, go to sleep" "# Close your big bloodshot eyes" "# Go to sleep, go to sleep" "# The sandman waits for you" "# Da-da dum" "♪ Da-da dum... ♪" "That's 20, which makes a total of 100 to take the fifth round." "Come on." "Noreen, your question is on ancient history." "Oh, for God sake!" "You've just asked him where do the Wombles live?" "There's no consistency." "I'm sorry, I'm just reading the questions as they come out." ""Archaeologist Howard Carter is most famously credited with discovering what?"" "Howard Carter..." "Howard Carter..." "He's cheating." "What are you talking about?" "I'm just standing with my arms crossed." "Who crosses their arms like that?" "Gentlemen, gentlemen, best of order, please." "Noreen, do you have an answer?" "Um..." "Howard Carter..." "Was he the one who needed a wash in Take That?" "No, I'm sorry." "He discovered Tutankhamen's tomb." "Howard Carter I mean, not that young lad from Take That." "Hang on." "Weren't you meant to be throwing these questions over?" "It's too late now." "The next question is for Tiger and it's on television." ""What is Del Boy's surname?"" "Trotter." "Yep." "Nah, nah, I'm not having that." "No way." "What are you doing?" "It is Trotter, that's the right answer." "What are you doing?" "That is enough." "You're no longer in the competition." "It's a fix." "Have you heard the questions they've been asked?" "Come on, son, let's sit down and have a drink." "Come on, come on." "I want to speak to the manager." "This is a bloody disgrace." "You've not got a clue, none of you." "Look, man, I'm just reading the questions." "I'm just reading them off the paper." "It's wonderful." "You look ten years younger." "I must admit, I do feel rather..." "Oh, my God!" "Waaaa!" "Right, that's it." "The quiz is over." "I knew this was a bad idea." "It is him, the mama's boy, he's causing the trouble." "She's not my mum, she's a business associate." "Please, could we finish the quiz?" "We came a day early because we saw it on the website." "I'm sorry, I can't have any more trouble." "No more trouble." "Please, I promise?" "Get this wound up - and get the karaoke on." "Sit down." "Ohh." "Mrs Temple-Savage, are you OK?" "I'm fine." "Come on, get it wrapped up." "OK, this is the final round - and it's all change." "Would all contestants please swap places with their partners." "You've gotta be joking!" "Tsk, tsk, tsk." "Sit." "Sit." "All right, Kathy to throw first." "Game on." "She's coming over here." "Excuse me." "My face feels rather strange." "Of course it does." "Everything feels strange the first time." "Even you must remember that." "A bit of tingling in the face is very common." "Yes, but you injected me in my forehead and I can feel it in my neck." "Let's face it." "A bit of tightening around that baggy old gizzard isn't gonna do you any harm, is it?" "No offence." "None taken, I'm sure." "Right, sup up." "Where are we going?" "Anywhere." "I do not know what to say." "It was an accident." "I might have brain damage." "And you think being hit in the head with a lemon will make it worse?" "No." "I mean you might have caused it." "Do you know, in my family, we have a saying." ""A lemon in the face is better than... a toad in the hole"." "That's quite a specific family saying." "Si, claro." "My mother, she's very wise." "We've got quite a wise saying in our family an' all." ""Where there's blame, there's a claim"." "Please, you do not understand." "I could lose my job here." "I don't want you to lose your job." "But I reckon I am due some sort of compensation." "Please, I have nothing." "Look, my trousers, they are empty." "I very much doubt that." "How are you this evening?" "I beg your pardon?" "I said..." "I think she said, "I trust you're both enjoying your evening."" "Oh, right." "Very good, thank you." "Ah." "There's not a ventriloquist on tonight, is there?" "So now we've got a Tiger for Clive." "31 to beat." "Just settle in now." "What do you think you're doing?" "Sorry." "You can take that one again, son, if you want to." "But it is a treble 19." "Oh, wicked." "What do you think you're doing?" "I thought it helped you." "Of course it don't help me, you dick." "Come on, ladies." "Do you mind saving this little domestic till later?" "We've a match to finish." "And that's a one. 58 scored." "Noreen, you need 59 or more to take the final round." "Oh, 'eck." "I don't think these are the right glasses for this sort of thing." "Right, here we go." "Bloody hell!" "Do us all a favour, love, and find the other glasses." "I think I've left my readers in my room." "Come on, get on with it." "Just concentrate, look at the board." "It's here where you want to be, in the treble 20." "You're the right height, just about 3'2" wide." "Like mother like son." "She's my PA." "Right, that's it." "You're gonna have my eye out with the next one." "Hang on." "Hang on." "What the hell is he doing?" "Right, throw it at my head." "What?" "Hang on a minute." "Throw the dart exactly the same but at the top of my forehead." "Give me the dart, I'll throw it at his head." "Don't think about it, just do it." "59 to take the round." "Yes!" "Yes!" "Come on." "That's 64 to take the final round." "Your question is on pop music." "Huh." "Bring it on." "OK." ""1960s piano playing legend Gladys Jordan was better known as who?"" "Um..." "This is easy." "Shut up." "I must hurry you, Geoff." "Can I hear the question again, please?" ""1960s piano playing legend Gladys Jordan was better known as who?"" "Even I know this one." "I'm gonna have to press you for an answer." "I've got it." "It's a trick question." "The answer is Liberace." "You think Liberace's real name is Gladys Jordan?" "I'm sorry, Geoff, that's not the answer I've got on the card." "I can throw it over to Clive." "Mrs Mills." "Invalid question." "Invalid question." "Piano solos cannot be categorised as pop songs." "Oh, I think you're splitting hairs now, son." "This is just rubbish." "Where are the proper questions?" "Somebody ask me any of the names of the 44 presidents of the United States." "Go on, ask me." "Number six, John Quincy Adams." "Number 19, Rutherford B Hayes." "35th, John F Kennedy." "All right, all right, that's enough." "What is the chemical element symbol for mercury?" "Hg." "What is the longest river in Europe?" "The Volga." "Who was the youngest person to ever have won Wimbledon?" "You don't know, do you?" "Charlotte Dod, 1887!" "Come on, son." "Let's try and be magnanimous in defeat." "Defeat?" "It's a joke." "It's null and void." "Look." "Look!" "It's not even a real dart board anyway!" "Look!" "Look!" "Look!" "Pah!" "I am The Oracle!" "Hear me roar!" "RAAAAAAAAR!" "Security up here, please." "Mario, Kenneth, anybody!" "What do you think you're doing?" "Are you feeling all right, Mrs Temple-Savage?" "I'm not that sure I am." "Darren, get some music on, get over here." "Give me a hand to get her outside." "Get one on either side." "Get her out in the fresh air." "Come on, son, let's have an early night." "You!" "Come on!" "Hurry up!" "This place is an absolute nuthouse." "I must say, there's never a dull moment." "Jacqueline, I think if I have one more day incarcerated in this hotel," "I may just go insane." "Well, the thing is, it's all-inclusive here." "Well, we don't usually bring any money out with us." "I'm taking you on a day out tomorrow." "Oh, Glynn." "Oof." "What do you reckon was wrong with that geezer?" "He's what's commonly known in the medical profession as a big fat nutter." "Oh, talk of the devil." "Where have you been?" "Just been claiming a bit of compensation." "What's that mean, compensation?" "From who?" "Turns out it was that barman who threw the lemon and knocked me out." "You won't get nothing out of him." "He tried to rip us off last year." "Oh, don't worry." "He's already paid in full." "And I think if I play my cards right, he might give me another instalment tomorrow night." "Ohh." "Euw..." "Here you go, son." "A nice cup of Horlicks." "Where did you get that from?" "I brought it with us." "You see, you can always rely on your old mam." "Now, have you taken your tablets?" "I don't want you getting all upset again." "Dr Lumis gave me spare bottle, you know, for your panic attacks." "They're not panic attacks." "People don't understand what it means to be a tortured genius." "You're like your father." "On our last holiday, as we went through Customs, he shouted, "I have nothing to declare but my genius."" "Wild." "Wild?" "He were furious." "They found 2,000 ciggies and a novelty lighter in the shape of a hand grenade." "Oh, it feels funny us having separate apartments." "Do you want me to pull out a Z-bed?" "No, Mother." "I'm 40 years old." "I'll be fine." "All right, son." "See you in the morning." "See you in the morning." "Do you want me to leave the light on in the other room and this door ajar" "just as a nightlight?" "Yes, please." "Good night, son." "Good night." "Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells"