"Morning!" " Hey Bob." "Toss this, will you?" "You know it isn't fair." "When you buy a box of cereal this big, the toy surprise should be a freaking poney." "Parker, you just elbowed me in the boob !" " Parker, stop elbowing your sister's boob." " At least somebody's touching her boobs." "I'll have you know tons of guys have touched my boobs." "Okay, let's talk about this stuff when I'm dead." "Pearce, get dressed for school." "I am dressed for school." "You're wearing pajamas." "And you're wearing a tie." "It's like trying to nail jell-o to a tree." "Penny, sweetie, you don't look so good." "I'm just tired." "Paige kept me up all night gossiping on the phone with her friends." "Every five seconds, it's bbbring, bbring!" "Hello?" "Really?" "No way!" "Then the instant messaging, da-boop!" "All... night..." "long." "Bbbring!" "Really?" "No way!" "Da-boop!" "That's really annoying." "Really?" "No way!" "What was that?" "Nothing." "Just allergies." "Carol, check her." "101.6 we've got fever here, Bob." "Glassy eyes, clammy skin." "We don't just have fever, people." "We've got the flu!" "Code red!" "No..." "We've got to contain this thing before it spreads." "Pearce, surgical masks." "Parker, Patton, disinfectant." "Paige, hazardous waste." "Carol, echinacea, stat." "All right, Penny, honey, you know the drill." "Come on now, down in the basement." "Let's go." "No, I'm fine!" "This is all a mistake!" "Mom, help me!" "She can't help you now." "I'm gonna miss a test!" "Okay, folks... once again we find ourselves confronted by our old nemesis:" "Influenza." "Now, I don't need to remind anyone about the mystery flu of '96." "You're still blaming me for that?" "I was seven." "And when someone triple dares you to lick a dead squirrel, you've got to lick that dead squirrel." "Patton, you were old enough to know that I was kidding." "The point is that that flu took three laps around this family and I cannot afford to miss work right now." "Your dad's in a bit of a sales slump." "Carol, I told you that while we were in the shower." "So we all need to do whatever it takes to stop this thing." "From now on, there's one rule:" "You set foot in that basement, you ain't coming back up." "Mom... dad..." "I don't like it down here." "Now, I know it's tough on you kids, hearing your sister down there all alone." " Mom..." " Poor kid." " Mommy, dad..." "I don't like it..." "Just got caught up in the moment." "Bob, I know we can't afford me getting sick, but I feel like I should be down there helping my little girl." "You should!" "What kind of screwed-up parent..." "It's too late, Carol." "She's more flu than girl now." "Hey..." "I just heard you have a date with Christie this friday and her cousin Melissa's in town." "So?" "So, I heard that girl's easier than a teen people crossword puzzle." "Put me in, coach." "Let's double-date." "I don't know, Patton." "Melissa's a sure thing." "A lot of guys want in on this." "Why should I give it to you?" " Because you owe me." " Since when?" "Since the womb." "You took all the good genes." "You took the tall ones from me." "And look at Pearce." "Obviously, you took some pretty critical ones from him, too." "All right, I guess..." "I love you, man!" "Okay, I'm coming in." "Aren't you afraid I'm gonna infect you?" "Oh, I'll take my chances." "Good outfit, dad." "It'll keep the flu out and the crazy in." "This is just until you stop being contagious." "Now come here, give your old man a hug." "Carol, I need a little more slack down here." "Sorry." "So, how ya doing?" "Well, I've got fever, chills, and the carbon monoxide detector keeps waking me up." "But I've finally got my own room." "What are you doing?" "Hey, roomie." "Guess who's got the flu?" "No... why, god, why?" "All right, well, I'm heading up." "Give your dad a kiss." "You missed so much at school today." "Was there a pop quiz in bio?" "No." "Sarah Nesbit farted in gym class." "I got to call Brooke." "There's no phone down here." "What?" "That's right." "It's dark, dank and there's nothing to do but read." "You're in my world now, sunshine." " Hi, Bob." " Hi, honey." "You are so beautiful." "You're checking me for symptoms, aren't you?" "I am not." "Then kiss me." "Stop taking my temperature." "Sorry." "So how are the troops anyway?" "Any more casualties?" "No, but I feel so guilty." "Keeping my girls locked down there goes against all my maternal instincts." "I mean, I had them inside me for nine months." "Well, just think of the basement as a giant, concrete uterus." " I almost went down there before." " You what?" "Carol, I cannot afford to get sick right now." "I've only got a few days to come up with an exciting sales pitch." "Exciting?" "Honey, you sell office cubicles." "Hey, Pearce." "How was your day?" "It was good." "Want a snack?" "No, I don't want to spill anything on my school clothes." "Bob, you gotta talk to Pearce about the pajamas." "Why can't you do it?" "You know I have a hard time relating to Pearce." "I mean, the other four I get, but Pearce..." "I had an easier time understanding my uncle Larry after his stroke." "Hey, Pearce." "What you doing?" "Just watching some television." "You know, I think you'll probably get better reception if you turn it on." "No, I like it better like this." "I can see my own reflection." "It's like having my own reality show." "Ooh, shh!" "Quiet, quiet, quiet." "It's coming up to the part where I talk to my dad." "Hey, what's up, dad?" "Uh..." "Actually, your mom and I were kind of wondering why you've been wearing pajamas to school." "Mm... well, you see..." "I recently realized all my best ideas come to me when I'm falling asleep at night in my pajamas." "So I decided to wear them all the time." "And it works." "Like in math today, I thought if we combined the letters with the numbers, math and English could be the same class." "You picking up what I'm laying down, 414?" "What?" "Four-one-four." "That's "dad" in mathlish." "Well, son, I'm glad we had this little talk." "You go back to your show now." "Oh, look, it's up to the part where your dad wanders off, confused and disturbed." "Penny, I'm going crazy with none of my friends to talk to." "I'm reading." "Please, I have important things to say that need to get out." "Paige, can't you live without your stupid gossip for one day?" "There are books down here." "Read something." "Open your mind." "Challenge yourself." "Can I just tell you about Suzy's haircut real quick?" "Okay..." "Here's the deal-- you can talk to me for three minutes if you give me those slippers." "No way." "Anna Karenina, chapter 18..." ""Vronsky follows the guard to the carriage..."" " Here." " And... go." "Yesterday, Kaitlin was getting a mani-pedi where Suzy gets her hair cut, and guess who was getting a $300 cut, color and style?" " Mom?" " Mom?" "Mom barely brushes her hair." "Mom, what brings you down to the pit of despair?" "I had to sneak down here to make sure my babies were okay." "Besides, it's not so bad down here." "It's kinda like a cozy, country cabin." "Ooh, you're all out of tissues." "Let me run upstairs and get you some more." " Hello, Carol." " Hey, Bob." "What are you doing down here?" "You said you were taking a shower." "You knew the rules, and you chose to defy them." "I think I will go take a shower now." "To wash away the filth of your lies." " Good night, Carol." " But, Bob..." "I'm sorry, Carol." "But you're infected now." " What you doing, Patton?" " Feeding the pythons." "Tonight, Parker's going to introduce me to Melissa." "And then I'm going to go Meliss-tic." "Hey, hey, hey, don't wrinkle my lucky shirt." "This thing's going to look awesome... crumpled up on Melissa's floor." "Up high!" " Oh, I think I've got the flu." " Oh, no, no, no, no." "You can't have the flu." "We've got a double date tonight." "No, I really think I'm sick, man." "You are sick." "You're crazy, awesome, wicked stylin'." " Guys, come on down." " Look, that's breakfast." "Listen, Parker, dad cannot know you're sick." "Without you, my shirt thing isn't going to happen." "We can do it another time, man." "I can't wait that long." "I've got a grenade in my pants and the pin's been pulled." "Morning, dad." "Whoa, whoa." "Don't touch that." "It's from below." "So, what's the 411, 414?" "Please, Pearce, not now." "I'm sorry." "I'm..." "I'm just stressed about getting my sales pitch together." "But don't worry" " I still managed to make you kids a good breakfast." "Last night's pizza." "Awesome." "Parker, how come you're not eating?" "Uh, I'm just not hungry." "Don't you think it's weird you don't want cold pizza at 7:00 in the morning?" "Yeah, it is weird." "Eat the freakin' pizza." "Wait a minute." "You're sweating, you're shaking." " You are..." " He's high on crystal meth." "It's true." "At first I was just doing it at parties, but now I'm hooked on the happy rock." "Well, don't worry." "We'll get you into a 12-step." "The 12 steps leading to the basement." "Dad, please, I need him!" "Listen to me, Patton, you can make the shirt thing happen on your own." " No, I can't." " Yes, you can." "I believe in you." " Really?" " Sort of." " Mom, are you sick?" " Yeah, I feel horrible." "I've got a fever, I ache all over..." "Yeah, that sucks." "Would you get me a popsicle?" " Me too, please?" " Me, too?" "Sure." "Anything for my babies." "Penny, can I tell you one more thing about Suzy?" "What do you have left to give me?" "I've already gotten your blanket, your slippers, your watch, and the ring grandma gave you before she died." "I have these crackers I saved from lunch." "All right, that'll buy you three seconds." "So Kaitlin saw Suzy in the mall parking lot making out with..." "Time's up." "Wait, the same Suzy who's going out with Justin?" " That's right." " So who was she making out with?" " Wait." "I want my blanket back." " Fine, here." " Tell me." " Justin's brother Eric!" "Really?" "!" "No way!" "What's happening to me?" "Sorry it took so long." "I passed out for a little while in the freezer." "And since I've been sweating, some of my hair stuck to the floor." "Oh." "Lemon." "So, Melissa, I'm still ready to party if you are, baby." "Describe myself?" "Four-foot-ten." "Brown hair." "Pecs of steel." "You likey?" "You do?" "I'll be over in 20 minutes." "Pearce, Pearce, guess what?" "I just called Melissa, the sure thing." "She still wants me to come over." " Dude, that's awesome." " Yeah, I'm on fire." "That's my lucky shirt!" "Who ordered the shrimp?" "Stay away from me." "Just passing through." "Not breathing in." "Not getting infected." "Dad, open the door before I get sick!" "Hey, dad." "Pretty cool, huh?" "We've got the whole pad to ourselves." "We should do what any two bachelors would do-- dance!" "Pearce, not now, okay?" "I've really got to work on my sales pitch, and I need to concentrate." "No problem." "I'll just sit here and watch some Pearce tv." "What are you laughing at?" "That kid and his dad are just sitting there and it's really boring, but the kid's laughing anyway." "I just find that funny." "Pearce, let me ask you something." "Is there any chance that you're going to leave me alone tonight and give me a minute's peace?" "No, father." "Your candle burns too bright." "I'm but a moth drawn to its flame." "Are you feeling okay?" "Yeah, I feel great." "Isn't it funny I'm the only kid who didn't get sick?" "Yeah, hysterical." "You know what?" "In fact... just to make sure that you don't get sick," "I'm going to run and get you some orange juice." "Okay, I'll just sit here and watch some television." "Why's that kid wearing pajamas?" "Okay, here you go." "Fresh from the grove." "Thanks, dad." "This glass has lipstick on it." "Oh, no, that's a lip guide, so you know where to drink from it." "Awesome." "No, don't." "Okay, drink it." "No." "That's awful." "No..." "Hey, want some juice?" "No, no, no, don't do it." "I'm sorry, Pearce." "There's sickness in that glass." "I'm desperate." "I got to make this sale, and I just need some peace and quiet." "Then I do this for you, father." "Pearce..." "Ah..." "Why did you do that?" "Because you do need some time alone, dad." "But not to work on cubicles-- to work on you-bicles." "Just remember." "People don't buy the sales pitch." "They buy the salesman." "You know, Pearce, I don't always understand you, but I love you." "I love you, too, dad." "Oh, no, no, no!" "No hug, sickle." "Okay." "But, dad, just remember these words:" "Six-nine-fourteen-four two-fifteen-two." ""Six-nine-fourteen-four two-fifteen-two"?" ""Find Bob"?" "What the hell does that mean?" "Oh, there's Bob." "Looking stressed and uptight." "Oh, hey, it's up to the part where Bob goes to get a beer." "So, do you wanna know who Jessica was making out with at the Hoobastank concert?" "Yes, tell me." "Please, tell me." " What do you got for me?" " I have nothing." "No self-esteem, no integrity." "I'm cold, I'm shallow, I'm addicted to gossip-- oh, my god, I've become you!" "Mom, my throat's dry." " Can I have another popsicle?" " Oh, can I have one, too?" " No, I asked first." " You already had one!" "All right, you sick, ungrateful, little parasites!" "I've had enough of your whining and complaining." ""Mommy, get me this." "Mommy, get me that."" "Well, mommy's not getting anything for anyone." "So unless you want your flu to be fatal, don't look at me, don't talk to me, don't even think about me." "Down here, you don't have a mommy." "Oh, thank god." "I've been stuck between floors for an hour." "On the floors of Tokyo or down in London town to go, go with the record selection and the mirror's reflection" "I'll be dancing with myself when there's no one else in sight in the crowded lonely night well, I wait so long..." "Sophie, that is a choice that no one should have to make." "Carol, how on earth...?" "Don't ask me how I did it." "I was motivated." " But, Carol..." " Listen, Bob." "I'm not going back down there." "I hate them, Bob." "I hate them all so much." "You're roasting marshmallows?" "I thought you had work to do." "Well, I already did it." " You did?" " No, I didn't do any of it." "Being alone for the first time since the quints were born was intoxicating." "I did the pizza dance in my underwear." "I knit you a scarf in the tub." "I even put in a monocle and was doing an English accent for a while." "I watched the tele in me knickers." "Bob, Bob, Bob, what about your big pitch?" "Pearce was right." "They don't buy the sales pitch." "They buy the salesman, and I'm a great salesman." "I just needed to find Bob... and I found him, baby." "What about the quarantine?" "Quarantine's over." "I like the way you think." "Does this mean we have to let the kids out?" "Are you kidding?" "I'm going to seal that chute up like an abandoned coal mine."