"Copyright from ecOtOne™" "JASON:" "It's 2:18 in the morning in the middle of February." "I've been sitting on a park bench for almost four hours." "I'm fucking freezing." "Why am I sitting here?" "Why am I still sitting on this bench?" "yöu know, it's probably best if I rewind." "If I back up and explain." "Every relationship arrives at a critical moment, a juncture, between moving forward and moving on." "I call that moment the "so."" "So..." "Where is this going, then?" "I think yöu're a..." "Like..." "I think yöu're amazing." "I think yöu're an amazing girl." "I..." " I think yöu're an amazing person." " No." "I'm breaking up with yöu." " I have to." " yöu're breaking up?" "I'm sorry, Jason, I need somebody who's ready." "I need somebody who doesn't drink coffee out of a cereal bowl." "What?" "And has a bed frame." "JASON:" "I wasn't confused because she was breaking up with me." "I'm so late for work." "I was confused because I had no idea we were dating." "I'm not even close to the guy yöu need." "The guy yöu deserve." "Like..." "I'm..." "And I'm so sorry that I can't be that guy." "In her defense, we'd been having sex, like, once a week for six weeks." "I'm so late for work." "But in my defense, that's a hookup approaching the seeing stage." "I'm sorry, Jason." "No." "I understand." "I understand." "And what I understood was, at that moment, we were definitely not dating." "(PHONE RINGING)" "DANIEL:" "Dude, did yöu get my message?" "Man, I left, like, 10 minutes ago... (CAR HORNS HONKING)" "Come on, man. yöu're late." "Look, what have yöu been doing?" "What have I been doing?" "Christy just broke up with me." "Oh, man." "Who's Christy?" "Vera, yöu home?" "(DOOR CLOSES)" "Oh." "I didn't know we had company." "yöu're home early." "Yeah, I skipped the gym." "Oh, uh, this is my lawyer." "Oh, yöur lawyer." "Actually, he's a very good lawyer." "Is everything okay?" "So yöur wife said that she was having intense sex?" "Yes, intense." "I can't believe she said, "intense."" "That's what she said." "With a guy named Harold." "And while she said this, her lawyer was just sitting there?" "He looked like Morris Chestnut." "Who the fuck is Morris Chestnut?" "From Boyz n the Hood." " Ricky?" " Yeah." "Dude, I love Ricky." "Not anymore." "Who the fuck looks like Morris Chestnut?" " Yeah." "That's not a strong look." " Her lawyer." "Her lawyer looks like Morris Chestnut." "Okay, and he was just sitting there on the couch?" "Yeah, why was he just sitting there on the couch?" ""Cause she wants a divorce."" " That's..." " Fuck, man." " Are yöu kidding me?" " I'm sorry." "And here's the kicker, her lawyer, the guy sitting there, the guy that looks like Morris Chestnut, is the guy she's having sex with." " Harold?" " Harold!" " Fuck Harold." " Oh!" "Oh, man." "Did..." "Did he say anything?" "(MUMBLES) He said he liked my shoes." " What?" " He said what?" "He said he liked my shoes." "Well..." "He's not wrong." "They're cool shoes." "What the fuck, man?" "I don't deserve this." "I don't know what we're going to do, man." "We need to get him a hooker." "We can't afford a hooker." "Yeah, we can use a coupon." "Get him a cheap hooker." "It's Mikey." " No, we're not." " Look. "East Village girls for hire."" " No." " Right there." " No." " Yeah." "DANIEL:" "According to this article, most of the bars on the East Side are filled with hookers." "yöu know what I love about yöu is that yöu literally believe every single thing that yöu read." " No, I don't." " Yes, yöu do." " No, I don't." " Yes, yöu do." "It's like yöu're nine years old." "Ooh, no, no, no." "They're like yöung, cool hookers." "They dress like hipsters and shit." "And I'm telling yöu that I highly doubt that that is the case." "Then why would it be in a magazine?" "I don't know." "Read it." ""She dresses like any other pretty yöung thing,"" ""knee high boots strewn about the floor,"" ""and a drawer filled to the hilt with condoms"" ""seemed the only indication of her sideline occupation."" "How awesome is that?" "Hey guys." "It's Fred." "Hey, Fred." "yöu know it's not a phone." "Right?" "yöu're actually here, Fred." "We can see yöu." "FRED:" "Totally." "Oh!" "So yöu're due to present on the Silverman book." "So... yöu guys are prepared?" "Right?" "We'll be in there." "That's a blank board." "That's a gold mine." "I mean, we gave yöu stacks of examples." "JASON: yöu mean these." "Right?" "What yöu're seeing there is exactly what yöu're gonna see everywhere else." "And we can deliver that." "But when we're talking about The Unexpectable Princess..." "Which is a great title." "It's a wonderful, wonderful title." "But still, it's drowning" " in a sea of boring pastel." " Uh..huh." "That's not what yöu want." "And that's not what yöu need." "I think I know what yöu need." "I think he does." "JASON:" "A book's cover should hint at the story." "But not give away too much." "This is about wish fulfillment." "Black and white." "Cool and spare." "Now, a recent study using MRIs showed that women's brains lit up like fireworks when they were showed pictures of..." "A penis." "What?" "No." "No." "MALE EXECUTIVE:" "No." "(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)" " No." " No." "No." "JASON:" "Women's brains lit up like fireworks when they were showed pictures of" " shoes." " Shoes." "Shoes." "And nothing says wish fulfillment like Christian Louboutin." "Ask any girl in the room." "I love it." "Dude, are yöu taking a shit in there?" "Absolutely not." "Every time yöu come over, yöu take a shit in there." "DANIEL:" "I'm not taking a shit." "I'm using self tanner." "Self tanner?" "Yeah." "I told that assistant at Vogue" "I couldn't hang out cause I was in Toulon." "Trying to phase her out of my roster." "Also, I am taking a shit." "JASON:" "Every time." "Every time." "yöu did the retrieve?" "Huh?" "I just grabbed whatever I could." "(TOILET FLUSHING)" " DANIEL:" "Yo, Mikey!" " Were yöu taking a shit in there?" " Yep." " Jesus!" "Every time." " DANIEL:" "We're going the fuck out." " Is that ice cream?" "yöu bought ice cream, Mikey?" "Come on." "Yeah." "It's peanut butter chocolate." "That's a great flavor." "Let me see it." " Hey." "We're going out." "No ice cream." " No." "No." "yöu see, whiskey doesn't mix well with ice cream." " I need it." " DANIEL:" "Oh, yöu need it?" " Yes." " yöu need it?" "What're yöu, a fat teenage girl?" " What're yöu, Bridget Jones?" " Really?" " Name calling?" "Is that what we're doing?" " Yeah." " Give me the ice cream." " No." " Give me the ice cream." " I know that look." "Get away from me." " Give me the ice cream." " Back up, little man." " Give me the ice cream." " Get off, man." "Nobody gets ice cream!" "That was awesome." "Did yöu throw it out the window?" "We're going out." "I mean, I bet yöu thought yöu were never going feel this again, man." "The excitement." "The energy. yöu don't get this in relationships." "I've been out of the game so long" "I forgot how much I miss this." "yöu were never in the game." "yöu were a married doctor." " Ah, whatever." " Hey, do yöu guys want a mint?" "Yeah." "Here we go." "That's for yöu." "That's for yöu." "That's a weird mint, dude." "Yeah, I know." "It's Viagra." "yöu've got four hours to drink like Keith Richards and still get hard." "Every good action movie has a ticking clock." "Right?" "Fucking idiots." "Idiots." "(DOWN ON LIFE PLAYING)" "I know!" "I'm fucking drunk right now." "Yeah, that's right." "I can't wait to get drunk." "I can't do this." "I can't do this." "Hey, come here." "Yes, yöu can." "Yes, yöu can." "yöu just need to be like," ""Hey!" "I'm a good looking doctor."" "No, it would work for me, Mikey." " Would it?" " Yeah, it would." "That would totally work for me." "Hey!" "Chels!" "Oh, my God!" "I love yöur shoes!" "I've been looking for those." "Oh, thank yöu!" "Wow!" "yöu are beautiful." "Oh, this is my friend, Daniel." "He's amazing." "But he's a virgin." " Oh, there's always a catch." " CHELSEA:" "Mmm..hmm." "I'm just trying to get laid before I graduate high school." "Hi, I'm Sophie." "I know yöu are." "♫ I could use a break ♪" "♫ Me need to go down, down, down, down on life ♪" "♫ I need yöu to take all my shadows ♪" " Whiskey..." " Yeah." " I love yöu." " We're doing it..." "I love yöu, too." "♫ I could use a break ♪" "♫ Me need to go down, down, down, down on life ♪" "I've never met that guy before." "♫ All my shadows for a walk tonight... ♪" "What's up, buddy?" "How's it going?" "Well," "I'm drinking alone in a bar full of assholes." "And all these girls, they seem to like the assholes more." "Dude, do yöu remember when for, like, two years in college, every single girl that I liked liked yöu?" "Rebecca Daniels..." "Yeah." "Rebecca Daniels." " She was hot." " She was." "She was all right." "Where's the Mikey that got her?" "Because that guy was fucking awesome." "(MORNING SUN PLAYING)" "That girl's staring at yöu at the end of the bar." " Should I look?" " No, not yet." " Now." " No." " Now." " No." " Now." " No." "Yeah, go ahead and look." "Night away?" "Yeah." "She was fucking Harold." "There's always a Harold." "There's always a Harold." " Mmm." " Mmm." "When I was a kid, I used to open all the windows in my bedroom when it was freezing, and just lay on top of the covers." "Why?" "I wanted to understand what it felt like to be homeless." "Do yöu understand that feeling?" "Just needing to know?" "Wow." "I know." "He fucking looked like Morris Chestnut." "(LAUGHS) Who looks like Morris Chestnut?" "It is not a good look." "Nobody should look like Morris Chestnut." "Okay, who is Morris Chestnut?" "Apparently, he's a great lawyer." "Well, I wrote my number on this." "Use it when yöu're ready." "Look, is this the part where we go home?" "Cause I'm not really in the mood." "yöu're sitting on my coat." "Hmm." "I am." "I'm sorry about that." " It's okay." "Thanks." " Mmm..hmm." " Good night." " Good night." "Hey." "I'm gonna get a drink." "yöu want a drink?" " Oh, no." "I'm good." " Let me get yöu a drink." " What, a vodka soda?" " No, no, no." " My man." " No." "Come on." "It's just a drink." "Oh, no." "I'm good." "Thank yöu." "I need a drink, too." "I'll get yöu a drink." "Honestly, what if I enjoy the drink?" "What happens then?" "(LAUGHS)" "I'd love to hear what yöu think happens then." "I'll tell yöu what happens." "We go play beer pong with yöur two roommates until I end up back at yöurs in Murray Hill?" "Yeah, that's right." "How did yöu know that?" "And then we'll have to listen to yöur roommate have sex with Hilary or Emily or whatever the girl's name is until we fall asleep." "And then a year later, we're still playing beer pong in the same bars with yöur friends." "Except now yöu feel pressure to get married and have kids cause yöu think that's what I want." "Then in the summers, drive up to the Hamptons to meet his parents, wondering the whole ride if they're going to think yöu're pretty enough." " Smart." " Wondering the whole ride, if they're going to think yöu're smart enough." "Because no one is." "And then we have to drink shitty chardonnay." "At a shitty garden party." "And have shitty conversations." "About shitty people." "With his shitty mother." "Who, let's face it, doesn't think yöu're smart enough." "Pretty." "Who, let's face it, doesn't think yöu're pretty enough." "Because no one is." "No one ever will be." "What was all that shit?" "Look, I'm just talking about a drink." "Yeah, but it wasn't just a drink, though, was it?" "It was a marriage proposal." "Oh, marriage." "No, I was..." "Just a vodka soda." "Fuck yöu guys." "I'm..." " Drink?" " Yeah." "(HEARTBEAT PLAYING) (BOTH MOANING)" "(BOTH LAUGHING)" "yöu're amazing." "Let's get out of here." "(LAUGHING)" "yöu like that?" "(BREATHING HEAVILY) yöu're sitting on my coat." "(GROANS)" "I have to use yöur bathroom." "(EXHALES)" "(GASPS SOFTLY)" "Fuck." "Pick up." "Pick up." "Pick up yöur phone!" "Dude, I have a serious problem." "DANIEL: yöu got a problem." "I got a problem." "I gotta take a leak right now." "And my boner looks like that thing on The Price Is Right." "(WHISPERING) Bob Barker?" "Yeah, my dick looks like Bob Barker." "No, yöu asshole, that thing that stops the wheel." " What?" " I think I took too much Viagra." "I just really got to take a leak." "yöu have to just get horizontal." "Get horizontal?" "What the... yöu need to be horizontal." " Me or the boner?" " Both." "I can't." "My boner is perpendicular to my body." "Just try it, man." "This is the stupidest idea I've ever heard of." "What the..." "This isn't..." "Whoa!" "(URINATING)" "Wait, bro, it's actually working." "Of course it is, but, dude, listen to me." "I think the girl that I just had sex with is a hooker." "What?" "That's awesome." "No!" "It's not awesome, man." "What if she makes me pay?" "I don't have hooker money." " yöu definitely don't have hooker money." " Dude." "I don't know what to do, man. yöu gotta help me." "Okay, well, yöu know what?" "If she asks for cash, yöu could pretend that yöu're a hooker, too, and maybe the rates would balance out." "yöu are so fucking useless." "Do yöu know that?" "Is yöur dick touching the water?" "Fuck yöu." "MIKEY:" "Which one of yöu divas uses self tanner?" "I do." "Why?" "Because I beat off with it last night." "(BOTH LAUGHING)" "Why..." "Why didn't yöu even read the bottle?" "I was a little drunk." " What?" " What?" " My shit is orange." " JASON:" "Oh!" "Oh, my God.Look at this!" "Oh, no." "Who knew that could even happen to yöu?" "(BOTH CONTINUE LAUGHING)" "I didn't know yöu could change colors." " Stop." " yöur dick looks like a yam." " yöur dick looks like a traffic cone." " Just stop." "yöur dick looks like a can of cheddar Pringles." "That's fucked up." "JASON: yöu dick looks like Spike Lee at a Knicks game." "If yöur dick was jumping over the river, it would be the General Lee." "(BOTH LAUGHING)" "All right!" "All right!" "What happened to yöu two idiots last night?" "I freaked out and left." "I didn't know what to do." "It's her bread and butter." "It's how she keeps the lights on." "yöu basically robbed a hooker." "I didn't rob her." "Yes, yöu did. yöu robbed this hooker, man." "yöu're like the opposite of Robin Hood." "I didn't rob her." "And that's the thing." "I mean, everything else about her was perfect." "I mean, she was smart." "She was funny." "She was the kind of girl I would date." "If she didn't, yöu know, happen to fuck random guys for money." " ALL:" "Yeah." " That's really the only thing that's getting in the way of that relationship." "Fuck yöu guys." "Did yöu friend that girl yet, Mikey?" "The glasses girl?" "No." "I mean, can yöu even do that that fast?" "Dude!" "yöu've gotta make her laugh." "Get a rapport going." " Yeah, man." " Give me yöur phone real quick." "Give him yöur phone." "We live in an extremely efficient world." "Somebody else could be sealing the deal right now." "Listen, (CHUCKLES) last night was amazing." "Okay?" "I had a great time." " yöu guys were awesome." " Thank yöu." "All right?" "But I'm gonna call Vera." "We've got things that we need to work on." " No." "That's a bad move." " Come on." " yöu don't wanna do that." " Horrible move." " We had so much fun last night." " Yeah." "Wow." "JASON:" "What?" "Uh, she..." "She changed it." "BOTH:" "What?" "What are yöu talking about?" "Uh, Vera." "It used to say, "married," and now it says..." "It says nothing." "All right, I married a smart girl." "I married the right girl." "Right?" "I went to med school right after college." "I did what I was supposed to do." "I checked the boxes." "JASON:" "But maybe what yöu did didn't check hers." "MIKEY:" "We had the same boxes." "DANIEL:" "Did yöu have the same boxes?" "Maybe yöu need a little more experience with boxes." "Yeah, maybe we should lead yöu down the path to better boxes." "Look, guys." "I don't need that." "All right?" "I need to call Vera and I need to work this shit out." "That's what I'm going to do." "I need to call her, okay?" "I need to call Vera." "I need to work this shit out." "It kills me to see yöu like this." "Yeah." "Hey." "It's an opportunity to have some fun." "Man, this is about all of us, man." "This is about all of us being together." "When are we all gonna be unattached?" "In our 30s we're gonna settle down with kids." "We're gonna live a boring life." "It's about us right now." "I don't know." " We're staying single with yöu, man." " I just don't know." "We're staying single with yöu." "We're gonna keep last night alive as long as humanly possible." "Nobody gets in a relationship." "Nobody changes their status." "Right?" "I'm in." " Come on!" " Come on!" " Come on!" " Come on!" "Michael?" "Are yöu in?" "Fuck it." "I'm in." "(ALL CHEERING)" " So, we going for this?" " Yeah." "I mean, it's a pretty bleak ending to a book, so shouldn't we leave people with some hope?" "From where in the Midwest did this one wash up?" "Fresh off her master's from Chicago." "Master's in what?" "Sentimentality?" "I don't think so." "I just think yöu have to believe in possibility." "Oh, sweetie." "Welcome to New York." "yöu're yöung and yöu're pretty and the world is yöurs." "But yöu're nobody's first wife yet." "Well, we're all pretty..." " Oh!" "Oh, look who's here." " Hi." "FRED:" "Glad yöu could make it." "Yeah." "DANIEL:" "I gotta tell yöu I'm really excited about this cover, guys." "JASON: (YAWNS) Hey." " Here yöu go." " Okay." "(SIGHS) Hey." "Holy shit." "Everyone." "How's it going?" "FRED:" "Good, good." "Uh..." "So, do yöu want to tell us a little bit about yöur approach with this cover?" "Yeah." "I'd love a little explanation." "Um..." "It..." "(STAMMERING)" "It is what it is." "AMANDA: "It is what it is"?" "That's what yöu say when yöu get a parking ticket." "I know." "It looks to me like the guy here wants to escape." "Hmm." "Does he?" "AMANDA:" "And we want him to stay." "That's the fantasy of men in the city." "It seems like she'll bring him home in the bag, totally trusting him and then after they sleep together, he'll prove to be too much of an asshole to actually stick around for a couple of hours." "So tell me, Jason." "Why wouldn't the guy stay?" "Hmm?" "I thought yöu were a hooker." "What?" "A hooker." "Why?" "There were hooker signs." "What's a hooker sign?" " yöu had on hooker boots." " Lots of people have them." "There were tons of condoms." "Did yöu ever think they might be there because I'm not having a ton of sex?" "No!" "I thought they were a hooker sign!" "What's a hooker sign?" "What about The Story of O?" "That was research for a book." "There were envelopes full of cash." "I pay my landlord in cash so that he can commit tax fraud." "How long have yöu lived in New York?" "Man, not long enough." "Yeah." "Wait." "Can I make it up to yöu?" "Let me make it up to yöu." "yöu wanna make it up to me?" "Can I?" "I don't know." "yöu can have my number." "And..." "Maybe yöu can." "Yeah, dude." "Everybody knows yöu can't call a girl a hooker." "Even hookers hate being called hookers." "I'm gonna bring Ellie around." "No, yöu're not!" "No, yöu're not." "I'm gonna get her on the roster." "Wait." "A roster?" "Yeah." "A roster." "It's a group of girls that yöu're hooking up with that keeps yöu from sending the wrong message." " Which is what?" " That yöu wanna date one of them." "yöu gotta start building a roster." "Yeah." "It'll help ease the transition a little." "No, no." "I do not need a roster." "Okay?" "Yes, yöu do." "I can't keep one girl." "What makes yöu think I can handle a bunch of them?" "yöu just keep a bunch of them for a short period of time and then yöu send them out into the world to flourish." " Like college kids." " Yes." "Or like capitalism." "And then yöu replenish the team." "Think of a roster like a spiritual and physical..." "Mostly physical." "Rejuvenation of the male soul." "Which yöu guys clearly don't fucking have." "Think of it like a spa." "A spa for yöur cock." " A cock spa." " Yep." "yöu just got to use whatever skills" " that yöu have available to yöu." " Mmm." "Girls love personalization." "yöu guys are idiots." "yöu're an idiot." "(DOOR OPENS)" "Vera!" "Look, I'm..." "I'm sorry to barge in on yöu." "What are yöu doing here?" "Okay, look." "I know that this is an awkward thing to do, but..." "Um..." "I have been having some pain." "And, um, I just..." "I don't know." "yöu came because yöu needed my help." "I came to apologize." "I did." " yöu came because yöu needed my help." " Mikey." "I just..." "I've been thinking about yöu." "It really was just a simple misunderstanding." "Yeah, it was like, "What kind of girl would I be"" ""if I didn't eventually find it funny?"" "yöu'd be probably every other girl in the world." "I think." "I'm really sorry." "But I'm not every other girl in the world." "No." "I guess yöu're not." "And then I kind of developed my own style, I guess." "And now yöu..." "Design book covers." "Amongst other things." "Well, I guess yöu get people to believe in something enough to want to buy it." "I get people to believe in the surface." "To do the one thing yöur parents told yöu not to do." "To judge a book by its cover." "Exactly." "Oh, we weren't supposed to do that." "yöu weren't supposed to do that." "See?" "I was encouraged." "Another example of just plain awful parenting." "But, like, the job that yöu have right now, like, is it something that yöu actually want to be doing?" "yöu know what?" "It can be fun." "But do I love it?" " yöu don't." " No." "Don't yöu want to love something?" "What?" "Do yöu love what yöu do?" "I started this new lecture series." "And authors can come along and they can talk about their work." " That's awesome." " Yes." "So great." " And people come?" " No." " No?" " No. (LAUGHS)" "But I..." "It's okay." "I mean, I figure that if I keep doing It, it could be a really, really amazing thing." "(LAUGHING) yöu should come along to one of them if yöu're around." "Oh, I don't know." "I can't really tell if it's important to yöu." "(LAUGHING)" "I'm sorry." "That's a weird laugh." "ELLIE:" "This is my favorite place in the city." "JASON:" "Yeah." "It's beautiful." "(LAUGHS) I know that I'm romanticizing the idea, but come on." "That's kind of my dream." "To have the key to Gramercy Park." "New York's charm is yöu're surrounded by things yöu can't have." "New York's charm is it makes yöu think yöu can have them." "yöu know, I'd love to look inside before we buy." "Me, too." "In the meantime, we can go back to my place." "It's very similar, actually." "Except for everything about it." "I gotta get home." "Okay. yöurs, it is." "yöu're one hell of a negotiator." "This kind of stuff just rolls off yöur tongue doesn't it?" "I'm just trying to make yöu laugh." "I don't like how well it's working." "(SIGHS) Fuck..." "CHELSEA:" "Wait, so yöu guys still haven't gotten Mikey laid?" " No." " What's wrong with yöu?" "yöu're like the worst wingman ever." "Are yöu kidding me, Chelsea?" "I'm an incredible wingman." "I know, but, like, nothing?" "It's just harder than yöu think with him." "Like, what about a blowjob?" "I'm good right now, but thank yöu." " Uh..huh." " Maybe in, like, 10 minutes?" "Maybe after this beer?" "Sorry, I'm just making a mental list of all the things I'd like to do before giving yöu a blowjob." "Wow." "Really?" "Oh!" "Kill myself is number one." "Are yöu serious?" "Jesus." "What's number two?" "Uh..." "Just, like, awaiting trial in Guantanamo." " Mmm..hmm?" "Yup." " Mmm..hmm." "Yeah." "Oh, come on, man." "The blues?" "Are yöu fucking serious?" "What the fuck does Captain Attractive have to be so sad about?" "I don't know." "I think he's going for brooding and dark, mysterious." "It's kind of working for me." " That is working?" " Yes." "yöu cannot be that attractive and have a skill." "That's bullshit." "Well, I'm gonna play, so yöu're wrong." "Ooh, then somebody's in trouble." "Cheer up, asshole. yöu're the guy." "Buckle up." "Hey, excuse me?" "I just wanted to tell yöu great job." "I almost cried right there." "It was really some powerful stuff." "Yeah." "It was brooding, dark, and mysterious, apparently." " Yeah." " Thanks." "That's what I was going for." "Told yöu." "This is my friend, Chelsea." "She's not much to look at, but wait till yöu hear her play the piano." "Really good." "I can't wait." "I'm Diego." "I know yöu are." "I warn yöu, though." "She can be really aggressive sometimes." "(LAUGHS) Is that right?" "But yöu can tame her with tequila and compliments." " Yeah." " So..." " Super aggressive." " Oh, yeah?" "Hey, are yöu home?" "MIKEY:" "No." "I'm at the hospital." "Where are yöu?" "I'm headed back." "All right." "So?" "How was it?" "It was amazing, man." "She was amazing." "So is she coming back to the house or what?" "Not exactly." "(PLAYING AFTER yöu'VE GONE)" "♫ Now listen, honey, while I say ♪" "♫ How can yöu fix yöur mind to say yöu're going away?" "♪" "♫ Don't say that we must part ♪" "♫ Don't break my aching heart ♪" "♫ yöu know yöu love me... ♪" "Hey." "After midnight?" "Really?" " I couldn't sleep." " Hmm." "It's good to see yöu." "♫ How can yöu leave me?" "♪" "♫ Listen while I say ♪ (SIGHS)" "(DOORBELL BUZZING)" "♫ After yöu've gone ♪" "♫ After yöu've gone away ♪" "(LAUGHING)" "So what happened with yöu and the piano man?" "Rodrigo?" " Diego?" " Diego." "I don't know." "I don't want to date a guy that's prettier than me. yöu know?" "Yeah." "Me neither." "Plus, he works out." "I don't want a man that works out." "Yeah." "I worked out once. 2004." "Got on the 15 dumbbells." "I was like, "Those are way too light, let me go to the 30s."" " Nice." " And if yöu feel it..." "Don't." "I don't wanna touch it." "And then I hit the hammies." "Some quads." "And if yöu feel that." "yöu definitely got the lingo down." " Do yöu see that?" " No." " Ah, well..." " Fat." "That's what happens when yöu work out" " once." " (LAUGHS)" "What are yöu doing here anyway?" " What do yöu mean?" " I don't know." "Weren't yöu supposed to hang out with that girl from Trinity?" "Oh, yeah." "I had to tell her I wasn't looking for anything too serious." "Oh." "Cause if it ever stopped being fun for yöu guys, yöu'd want to just call it off?" " That's..." "Yeah." " I know." "yöu got it down." " Brother." "I know the spiel." " Brother." "Yeah." "I don't know." "I just thought yöu liked her." "I did like her." "She was cool, really smart, funny, well read." " Great family." " Love it" "And gave the best blowjob in recorded history." "I feel like every blowjob yöu get, yöu think is the best in recorded history..." "Well, if yöu look at the common variable across all encounters, yöu'll find that it's me." "So maybe I'm the best in recorded history at receiving blowjobs." " Bam." " Bam." " Think about that." " Don't want to." "Cheers to me getting awesome blowjobs and just being good at it." "yöu're such an idiot." "Oh!" "Oh." "(BOTH PANTING)" "So?" "Jason, where is this going?" "(QUIETLY) Fuck." "Um..." "Look, I think yöu're an amazing girl." "And if I was in a different place, maybe, but, I mean, yöu know that I'm not really looking for anything serious." "Yeah." "Yeah, yeah." "As soon as this stops being fun for one of us." "Hey, J-Go!" "How'd it go with that hooker?" "Oh!" "Did yöu just call me a hooker?" "No, I meant the other..." "Um..." "Yeah." "I just said the wrong thing just now." "yöu think?" "Yes." " Hey, Mikey?" " (CLEARS THROAT)" " Mikey?" " Mmm?" " Can yöu shut the door?" " Oh, shit." "Okay." "I'd like to apologize." "Don't worry about it." "Caffeine?" "No, thanks." "I gotta run." "But at least he offers." "I offer." "yöu've never offered." "For the record." "I'm sorry for anything I said." "Am saying." "And might say in the future." "An apology." "So sweet." "I like him better than yöu." "For the record." "For the record, he is better than me." " Ha!" " This is true." "Bye." " So yöu went out with..." " Ellie." "Then yöu came home and had sex with..." "Alana." "Jesus!" " I did that for yöu." " yöu did it for me?" " Yeah." " yöu had sex with a beautiful woman for me?" "Yeah." "For yöu." "Thank yöu." "Thank yöu." "If I need anything else, I'll be sure to let yöu know." "I'm just building my roster, man." " Roster?" " Yeah, my roster." "Ellie's on the way in." "Alana just gave me the "so."" "The "so"?" "Yeah, the "so."" "When it comes to girls, nothing good ever follows the word "so."" ""So," where is this going?" ""So," what're we doing?" "And yöu just got the "so"?" "Yeah, I just got the "so."" "So that's when yöu get out." "Always?" "Always." "yöu're a fucking idiot." "JASON:" "So Chelsea worked her magic again?" " Yeah, yeah." "In a sense, yeah." " Really?" "So, is she, like, hot." "She smart, cool?" "Oh, yeah." "Yeah, all of the above." "Wow, really?" "Yeah." "I'm not gonna date her." "She's not datable if that's what yöu're getting at, okay?" "So let's just calm down." "What about yöu?" "Did yöu see what's her name?" " Ellie?" " Oh, yeah." "Yeah." "We, like, went to the park." "We hung out." "Went to the park, hung out?" "yöu liked this girl when yöu thought she was a hooker." "(LAUGHS)" " Are yöu falling in love?" " No, man." "I think yöu are." "I can hear it in yöur voice." "I had sex with Alana." " yöu had sex with both of them?" " No." "yöu fucking double gophered?" " I didn't." " Sorry, sorry, sorry." "yöu double gophered?" "I love that." "yöu had sex with both of them." "That's awesome." "No, I didn't." "Ellie went home." "Alana came over." "That's what I love about yöu." "Like, yöu never push too hard." " yöu always have a backup." " Yeah." "yöu're like Judge Reinhold in Beverly Hills Cop." "I'm not getting in a relationship." " Except yöu're an asshole." " (LAUGHS)" "(PHONE RINGING)" "Hello." "This is Ellie." "JASON:" "Hey." "It's Jason." "All right, we're going on a date tomorrow." "Gramercy Park." "Dress nicely." "No questions." "yöu in?" "Yeah." "Vera, we have to talk." "JASON:" "Mikey, did yöu call the glasses girl, yet?" "Can yöu come see me tonight?" "It's important." "Dude." "Tell us how the call went." " Nope." "I'm not pissing." " Okay." " Come on in." " First of all," " yöur dick looks like it found Nemo." " Stop." "Second of all, are yöu gonna see glasses girl?" "She gonna come see me tonight." "First of all, I think yöur dick looks like a snowman's nose." " Can yöu stop?" " Second of all," " Mmm..hmm." " I thought yöu worked tonight?" " She might come by the hospital." " No." "Mikey, I love yöur thinking on this, man." "The work date combination." " It's very impressive." " Yeah." "I'm just thinking on my toes." "JASON:" "He knows shit, man." "It's casual." "It's innovative." " Mmm." " I love yöur work, man." "I love that jacket." "Where are yöu going tonight?" "I have a pretty big night ahead of me." "I'm playing the incredibly wealthy Mr. Von Ferrington." "That's so awesome!" "yöu're role playing." "yöu're committing." "Exactly." "What are yöu doing?" "I'm going to meet up with Chelsea and see what we can make happen." "Again?" "Why is she always hooking yöu up with girls?" "Have yöu looked in the mirror?" "Have yöu looked at me?" "I'm the most attractive." "So it's the easiest." " Come on." " Yeah!" "That's why." "Guys, in high school, I was voted most likely to have the best eyes." " MIKEY:" "That's just not true." " So..." "Yeah, right." "yöu idiot." "MRS. ROSE:" "Do yöu know that James Harper lived here?" " JASON:" "Really?" " He used to be the mayor of New York." "yöu've really chosen a wonderful property to look at Mr. Von..." " Ferrington." " Ferrington." " Von Ferrington." " Von Ferrington." "I mean, this is one of the finest properties in the city." " Thank yöu." " yöu're welcome." "Look at the parquet floors that are all inlaid and original." "And this." "Let me show yöu this." "Unfettered access to the private park is, of course, one of the finest things about living on Gramercy." "Unfettered?" "Unfettered." "And now further, I'd like yöu to take a look at this wrought iron." "Lattice wrought iron which is the original." "Original?" "And we have in here a beautiful, beautiful, beautiful chandelier, which is cut crystal." "yöu'll notice all of the detail on the ceiling." "Now the Obasan rug is original of the period." "And we have over there a stained glass window." " Let's go." " Why?" "Look at the detail on this poster here." "Let's go, let's go, let's go!" "I'll explain later." "Oh, here, the kitchen." "Quick!" "The old woman's coming!" "Hello?" "Won't we get caught?" "I don't think so." "Let's go." "Hello?" "Mr. Ferrington?" "Hello?" "Whoa, whoa." "Slow down." "Slow down." "Just walk normal." "What do yöu mean walk..." " yöu're walking like a criminal." " What?" "This is how I walk." "I'm not a criminal." "But I am." "We have to go." "Let's go!" "Hello?" "Hello?" "Okay. yöu said we need to talk." "Nobody says, "We need to talk,"" "unless it's really bad news, right?" "No, no, no." "And my grandmother had ovarian cancer." "No, no, no. yöu're fine, yöu're fine, yöu're fine!" "The tests they ran indicated nothing out of the ordinary." " I have all the symptoms." " Baby, yöu're fine." "yöu're fine. yöu're okay." " Come here." " What was that message then?" "Come here." "No, no." "Come here." "Okay." "I am sorry." "I just wanted to talk." "Oh, my God. yöu are such an idiot." "yöu are such an idiot." "Yes." "Just..." "Just..." "Just come sit down." "Okay?" "(SIGHS)" "Oh, God." "Breathe." "Breathe." "Oh, God, I thought I was dying." "(LAUGHS)" "Yeah. yöu thought yöu were dying." "That was me." "(EXHALES)" "Where did we go wrong?" "Like, what happened?" "What happened to us?" "What happened?" "I..." "I mean, we got married at 23 years old," "I just don't think at that point yöu are ready for a life without excitement or spontaneity." "Spontaneity?" "I mean, I'm spontaneous." "We didn't have sex for almost six months." "yöu want spontaneous?" " Hey." " Hi." " Are yöu sick or something?" " No." "Those aren't going out clothes." "Well, who's going out?" "I thought we were going out." "BOTH:" "Oh!" " That was pretty badass." " Mmm..hmm." "I can get fired for that shit." "yöu know, when I was a kid, I used to love going to parks." "And my grandfather used to take me every Sunday." "But my ex hated parks." "He thought they were like too public or something." "He sounds like a real dick." "What?" "My ex?" "yöur grandfather." "(LAUGHING)" "So what happened between the two of yöu?" "Well, I graduated from school and I moved to New York." "And he took a job in Chicago." "And it was sort of like a focus on yöur work life first sort of thing." "They call us the selfish generation." "What about yöu?" "Who's the one that got yöu?" "How dare yöu assume that I have any emotional capacity whatsoever?" " Get out of my park." " No." " Get out." " No." "It's okay. yöu can come back." "Damn it!" "I was so not gonna do that." "I was gonna hold out." "I was gonna make yöu wait, like, 40 days or something." "I was gonna make yöu wait, too, but then I realized, "I'm a dude."" "(LAUGHING)" "Hey, guys." "It's Fred." "Jesus!" "Fred, yöu're like Reverse Elvis, yöu know." "Fred, yöu entered the building." "I love Elvis." ""Thank yöu, very much."" "What's up, Fred?" "Well, Ellie from Simon just sent over the Matterhorn book cover." "And she wants us to do it?" "Specifically." "Specifically?" " Specifically." "DANIEL:" "Whoo!" "I'll get in on that." "Right." "Come on." " Thanks, Fred." " Yeah." "All right." "Gonna do it!" "Wait, okay, so let me get this straight." "yöu have sex with this girl." "We get a job out of it?" "Certainly seems that way." "And to think this whole time, we thought that poor girl was a hooker." "Well, yeah." "But in reality, the only prostitute here is yöu." "(CHUCKLES)" "(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)" "(SIGHS)" "ELLIE:" "No one came again." "Again?" "Why don't yöu get better authors?" "Oh, yöu know, I never even thought of that." "(JASON LAUGHS)" "Yes, I've tried that." "I've been trying." "Well, come by my place after for a drink." "I'll come by after." "I don't understand why yöu won't tell me." "Just tell me where yöu did it." "I'm not telling yöu, so stop asking." "Why?" "yöu know yöu're gonna tell me." "yöu tell me everything." "I do." "But I'm not telling yöu this right now." " Why?" " Cause I'm whupping yöur ass." "yöu get all precious with this stuff and yöu throw down, and slap me in the mouth." "Whenever yöu start losing, yöu just get upset." "Dude, did yöu just take another shit in there?" " No, I'm not." " Every time." "Why do yöu care so much about what I'm doing in there?" "I wasn't taking a shit." "yöu're so disgusting." "Dude." "Why do yöu guys care so much what I do in the bathroom?" "And I wasn't taking a shit." " MIKEY:" "Every time." " Yes, yöu..." "Have a little faith." "What are yöu guys talking about?" "Mikey won't tell me where he had sex last night." "Oh, Mikey, where did yöu have sex last night?" "Why do yöu care so much about where I had sex?" "Cause we're yöur friends." "We wanna know." "Where'd yöu have sex, Mikey?" "The hospital." " JASON: (GASPS) With the glasses girl?" " Are yöu serious?" "Oh, my God!" "yöu Grey's Anatomy motherfucker!" "Mikey, that is awesome." "Dude, yöur wife never would've had sex in the hospital." " She's too uptight." " Not in a million years." "I'm fucking proud of yöu." "Really am proud of yöu." " (DOORBELL BUZZING)" " Whoa!" "What is that?" "I don't know." "MIKEY: yöu order food?" "I mean, we're all here." " I didn't order food." "Did yöu order food?" " No." "ELLIE ON INTERCOM:" "Hey." "So." "It's Ellie." "What the fuck?" "Are yöu serious, dude?" "Jason, this is a den of testosterone, man." " This is a pre game." " This is my apartment." "That's a good point." "It's not a good point." "First of all, guys, I just took a shit in there." " I knew it." " It's every time." "Why don't yöu take a shit at yöur own apartment?" "yöu can't invite a girl to a place like this." " I didn't invite her." " DANIEL: yöu didn't invite her?" " No." " That's worse." "That's some girlfriend shit." "Some I have a girlfriend shit." "Okay, well, I'm gonna buzz her in." " Don't buzz her." " Don't buzz her in." " I'm gonna buzz her in." " Jason, don't buzz her in." " Don't buzz..." " Don't buzz her in, man." "We're having such good guy time right now." "Oh, shit." "I just buzzed her in." "He fucking buzzed her in." "Okay." "He buzzed her in." " Really?" " JASON:" "Okay." "Both yöu guys need to calm down." "We're not supposed to see them more than twice in one week, all right?" "And yöu're seeing this chick twice in one day." "Dude." "Relax." "DANIEL:" "Invite her up then, man!" "She's not gonna wanna talk about Xbox." "So, I'm gonna be sitting here being like," ""I have to fart but maybe I can't right now."" "She better have some hot friends." "Dude, yöu're pissing me off." "Open the door." "I don't care." "I'm getting wasted." "Hey." "I hope I'm not interrupting." "Hi." "No. yöu're not interrupting." "yöu're not interrupting anything." "So this is this is Daniel." "This is Mikey." "We went to college together." "Guys, Ellie." "Daniel is a manipulative idiot." "And Mikey has an orange dick." "Hi." "Really, dude?" "That's really good to know." "I brought scotch." "I don't know if yöu guys drink scotch." "She brought scotch?" " yöu should try it." " Hmm!" "Let's try it." "What are yöu guys playing?" "A little Xbox." "Can I play?" "(SIGHS)" "Yeah." "(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)" "(ALL CHEERING)" "(INAUDIBLE)" "Apparently, her ex-boyfriend played a lot of Halo." "yöu know what?" "It's late." "I gotta go." "I gotta go to West Side." "No, yöu're not." "We're not letting yöu." "No." "We're not letting yöu go." "I promise yöu we get funnier." "But tonight is Mikey's night." "yöu know, I can feel it." "MIKEY:" "I pray to God it is." "That's what I was telling yöu, too, baby." "I forgot to tell yöu, it's my birthday coming up soon." " (GASPS) Really?" " Mmm..hmm." "Usually people are more subtle about this." "(LAUGHS)" "No, not like that." "I'm going to throw myself a surprise birthday party." " yöu're throwing yöurself a surprise party?" " Yeah." " Well, I'm surprised." " Yeah, everybody's gonna get dressed up and decked out." "And yöu should do the same." " It's a dress up party?" " Absolutely, yeah." "I'm so in." "I love getting dressed up." "Sweet." "He's actually giving her eye contact?" "He's engaged." " Bye." " Bye." "That's a great painting, by the way." "Thank yöu." "MIKEY: (SIGHS) That's nice." "It was beautiful, man." " That was really nice." " That was quite nice." "And I do love her." "I do." "I really like her." "I really liked it when she came by without telling anybody." "I really liked it when she kissed yöu on the cheek." "And I really like that yöu're about to lose this bet." " Yep." " Jason, do yöu remember when we said we're all gonna stay single?" "Yeah, well, it looks like yöu're fucked." "I'm not fucked." "yöu are so fucked!" "I'm not fucked." "Let's go out." "(LAUGHING)" "(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)" " Hey, Chels!" " Hey." "Sorry, guys." "Can we get tequila shots, please?" "Sotheby's kept me late." "MIKEY:" "Then they can take care of these drinks." " Oh, they will?" " Hey." " It's good to see yöu." " yöu, too." " DANIEL:" "I'm still going." " JASON:" "That's not cool." " All right cheers!" " Cheers!" "Oh, Chels, yöu're up." "Get it." "Oh, my God, I love yöur shoes." "Oh, thank yöu." "That's so sweet." "That should've been me." "This is my friend, Daniel." "Hi." "Nice to meet yöu." "Okay." "Okay." "(LAUGHS)" "What..." "The fuck was that?" "Seriously." "That was god awful." "That was horrendous." "I got nothing..." "I don't know." "Are yöu serious right now?" "yöu just dropped the ball." "Seriously." "yöu just dropped the ball big time." "I'm having an off night." "I don't know." "JASON:" "Having an off night?" "Even Jordan has off nights." "Whoa!" "Very ambitious." "What?" "What's wrong?" "That teddy bear." "Mr. Wiggles?" "Fuck, Mr. Wiggles." "Yeah, Mr. Wiggles." "Because, I know, yöur ex-boyfriend gave yöu that teddy bear." "And I said he was a pussy, which he was." "And then yöu broke up with him." "But I was thinking about yöu guys together." "And him having sex with yöu." "And then I thought about him naked." " And yöu know." "And all that stuff." " Oh, really?" "Yeah." "And my boner just started to wilt like warm lettuce." "I'm gonna get rid of the teddy bear!" "Thank yöu." " Creeped me out." " Yeah." "Um..." "Chelsea, I just really want yöu to know something." "And I wanted to be very clear." "yöu're not looking for anything serious right now?" "Look, Daniel, this thing doesn't have to be a thing." "And if yöu want to go back to being friends, we can go back to being friends." "I don't want to go back to anything." "That's what I was going to tell yöu." "I really like being here." "That's what I was going to say." " yöu working this weekend?" " Mmm..hmm." "yöu should come by the hospital." "Again." "Yeah." "Again." "yöu'd like that, wouldn't yöu?" "Yeah, I would." "Come by again and again and again." "DANIEL:" "Check this one out." " That's impressive." " Very impressive." "STORE OWNER:" "Something for the two of yöu?" "What's up, man?" "Something for the two of yöu?" "Oh, no, no, no." "We're not gay, man." " And we're just..." " We just need a giant strap on dildo." "Which I know sounds a little gay." "But it's for a costume." "It's right here." "Right in front of yöu." " Wait." "I have a serious question for yöu." " Yeah." "Think." "If yöu were gay, would yöu date me?" "Definitely not." " What?" " What?" "I would not date yöu, Jason." "Why?" "Because yöu're not my type." "What the fuck does that mean?" "Oh, what?" "Are yöu offended?" "I'm completely offended." "Deal with it." "yöu'd gay date me." "yöu know yöu would." "Honestly, if were to have sex with yöu, Jason, which apparently yöu really want, yöu would probably be like top three hottest chicks" "I've ever had sex with." " That's actually true." " Mmm..hmm." "Man, how much are these?" "For yöu?" "$75." "For me?" "Cause we're such good friends?" "These are all dishwasher safe." "I don't think yöu should go to this party, man." "Dude, I can go to the party." "It's gonna be fun." "$65." "Dude, who the fuck are yöu negotiating with right now?" "$60." "Okay." "Look." "I'm telling yöu, man." "This party is a road to a relationship." "And that road is paved with responsibility and lack of selfishness." "And what the fuck am I holding right now?" "What is this?" "I have no idea." " Ah!" " Clever." "It comes with an extra balloon." "Why would I need an extra balloon?" " In case it pops." " Why would it pop?" "If yöu try too hard." "What?" "(WALKING BACKWARDS PLAYING)" "♫ I was tangled in all the wires ♪" "♫ Tied down, and I felt the fire ♪" "♫ There was nothing for me to do ♪" "Sick cock, bro." "Thanks." "What's up?" "♫ It's flush in the face desire... ♪" " Hey." " Yeah." "Happy birthday!" "Jason?" "What are yöu wearing?" "Rock out with my cock out." "It's not my real cock, though." "Clearly." "Yeah." "Uh..." "So it's a different kind of dress up party?" "Yeah." "This is a classic case of miscommunication." "It's really..." "It's just a classic." "Yeah." "Um..." "Oh." "Um..." "These are my parents." "My mom, Jodie, and my dad, Bill." "Holy shit." "This is Jason." "I'm sorry." "Hi." "I'm just gonna pretend that this isn't happening." "Hi." " Hello." " Hi." "I'm Jason." "Hi." " Bill." " Jason." "Nice to meet yöu." " Oh, goodness." " Oh!" "That should not have happened." "That shouldn't have happened." "Yeah." "It's a cocktail." "Shouldn't have said that." "(BOTH CHUCKLING)" "I'm just gonna go and check the... yöu know what?" "Just excuse me one sec." "♫ I've been looking for a new emotion ♪" "♫ I've been taken with a new emotion ♪" " Cheers!" " (ALL CHEERING)" "No." "I got to hand it to yöu, man." "I'm impressed by the way yöu hung in there." "I should have left." "I definitely should have left." "I guess I'm a sucker for abuse." "yöu must be." "yöu know the hardest part about this costume?" "It was seeing this thing next to my actual dick." "(LAUGHS) I can only imagine." "I didn't know whether to cry or go kill myself." "What are yöu laughing at, Bill?" "I like this guy, Ell." "I like this guy." "Don't encourage him, Dad." "Don't encourage him." "So?" "So?" "What do Jason and Mikey think about this?" "What do yöu mean?" "Well, I mean, like, whatever we're doing." "What have yöu told them?" "I mean, I told them everything." "Yeah." "They're really happy for yöu." "Sorry." "They're happy for me?" "They're happy for both of us." "They're just so happy for the two of us." "That's what they..." "Yeah, they're just really happy." "And Jason's taking it okay?" "Yeah." "I mean, he was a little angry at first, but now he's in the fourth stage of grieving." "Denial?" "Masturbation." "yöu know what's so cool?" "When I'm being really serious and yöu're like," ""Hey, I'm Daniel." "I'm, like, really funny."" "I don't sound anything like that." "yöu sound exactly like that." ""Hey, I'm Daniel."" "yöu sound like yöu have peanut butter in yöur mouth." " No." " What do yöu want me to say?" "They think it's cool that I'm slumming it?" "Slumdogging?" "No." "Honestly, I'm just happy yöu told them." "I know how yöu are with girls." "Or at least how yöu've been." "(WON'T yöu COME HOME PLAYING) yöu know what?" "yöur dad..." "Awesome." "Well, he likes yöu, too, even though yöu had that thing on." "Maybe that's why he liked me." "yöu know yöu don't have to clear up anything." "yöu don't have to help." "No, I want to." "yöu can't wake up to this." "It's disgusting." "The apartment or yöu?" "yöu've always hated me." "Just stop talking for one minute." "I know it's really hard, but yöu can just try." "yöu've always hated me." "♫ Won't yöu come home, I surrender ♪" "♫ I miss my sweet bag of bones, drunk and tender ♪" "♫ Why don't yöu want to stay here suspended ♪" "♫ In the dead arms of a year that has ended?" "♪" "I'm gonna take a shower." " Okay." " Okay." "Last night was amazing." "And this morning." "(DOOR CLOSING)" "ELLIE:" "Do yöu think yöu could grow old in New York?" "I'm not gonna get old." "Getting old looks so tiring." "I know. yöu just, like, wake up in the morning and have to figure out what to do in between meals." "I'll tell yöu what I'm gonna do." "I'm gonna get an old Jaguar XK-E, completely restored." "And then I'm gonna eat a ton of acid." "Like, so much acid that if yöu went to go see Cirque du Soleil, yöu'd think yöu were in Connecticut." "(LAUGHING)" "And then I'm gonna speed up the West Side Highway, as fast as a car can go, crash through the divider, and careen off into the Hudson." "In slow motion, of course." "Of course." "And that would be it." "My death, premeditated." "Okay." "I mean, here's what's actually gonna happen." "What?" "yöu'll be 70 years old." "So yöu'll think yöu're going 150, but actually yöu're going 25 at best, 15 at worst." "yöu can't see, so the acid yöu think yöu're eating will actually be an errant Lipitor." "yöu're going to forget what yöu were doing in the car in the first place, bump into the divider, wet yöurself, ruin the car, lose yöur license, and yöur dignity in one fell swoop." "And then yöu're gonna be ushered off into some rest home, where yöu have to wake up in the mornings, and figure out what the hell to do in between meals." "yöu know, yöu don't have to be right about everything all the time?" "DANIEL:" "How's Ellie?" "(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)" "What do yöu mean?" "What do yöu mean what do I mean?" "Nothing." "What are yöu talking about?" "(CHUCKLES) What are yöu talking about?" "So?" "What's up?" "Nothing." "Where's Chelsea?" "What do yöu mean?" "I mean, where is Chelsea is what I mean." "I gotta talk to yöu about Chelsea." "ALL:" "Oh!" "What's going on?" " Why are yöu so happy?" " Yeah?" "I can't be happy to see my two best friends?" "That's not a happy to see yöur two best friends face." "No?" "What is going on?" "yöu're girl happy." "Look at me." "Did yöu bone again?" "yöu boned again, didn't yöu?" " No." "What are yöu..." " Did yöu?" "No." "That's ridiculous." "Can yöu stop looking at me like that?" " yöu're a fucking animal!" "Yes, yöu did!" " Did yöu?" "Did yöu?" "Hmm?" "Who was it?" "Glasses girl?" "Was it?" " Glasses girl." " Was it?" "BOTH:" "Hey!" "Oh!" "Wow." "Mikey." "It's the beginning of a beautiful roster, buddy." " Yeah, man." " I'm proud of yöu." "I'm proud of yöu." " Thank yöu." " I'm also proud of yöu." " (CELL PHONE RINGING) - yöur phone is ringing." " Are yöu going to answer that?" " No." " Mmm." " yöu should." "It might be a hot lonely girl looking to talk to me," " but she has yöur number." " (RINGING CONTINUES)" " No." "It's Ellie." " No, it's not." "I can read it." "It's right there on the bar." "It says, "Ellie." See that?" "I'll get it later." "That's real mature." "Yeah. yöu should answer it, because she's yöur girlfriend." "It's..." "Yeah." "My girlfriend." " (CELL PHONE RINGING)" " MIKEY:" "Oh, shit." "She's calling again." "Back to back?" "Answer that phone!" "She might need yöu to pick up diapers!" "Or, like, tampons, or something like that." "I'm out with yöu guys." "I'm not fucking answering it." " Well, I'm gonna answer it." " I wish I wasn't." "Hey, Ellie!" "What's up?" "No, it's Daniel." "It's Jason's best man." " He just crossed a line." " It's his best man friend." " Best man?" "What are yöu talking about?" " Uh..huh." "Yeah." "All right." "Here he is." "Here he is." " Hi." " Hi." " Hello." " All strong army. yöu wanna strong arm me?" "He gets so angry." "Yeah." "Hello?" "I can hear yöu." "Ellie?" " Oh, my God." " What?" "What's up?" "Her dad just died." "Her dad died." "yöu have to." "It's not even a question." "yöu have to show up at that funeral." "If I set foot anywhere near that funeral, then we're dating." "Then don't go, dude." "What the fuck are yöu talking about?" "If he doesn't want to go to the funeral, why should he go to the funeral?" "Are yöu not a human being?" "Do yöu not have a soul?" "Technically, she didn't even invite me." "Technically?" "She has to invite yöu to a funeral?" "Yeah." "What, he's supposed to show up and say," ""Hey." "I'm Jason." "I'm actually fucking the dead guy's daughter"?" "What're yöu talking about?" "If anything, I'm just gonna be a distraction." "It's like..." "It's better than being an asshole." "Okay?" "It's better than being an asshole." "(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)" "I know." "I wish I could be home, too." "Next year." "I promise." "But happy Thanksgiving." "I miss yöu, too." "Tell Dad I say hello." "I love yöu, too." "Yeah, no." "Take yöur time." "Take yöur time." "I'll be here." "Finishing up." "Ah, yeah." "Here." "That's set." "(KNOCKING ON DOOR)" " Oh!" " Hey." "I'm so glad yöu came." "yöu look great." "yöu look great." "Nice flowers." "Thank yöu." "They're not for yöu." "They're for yöur grandma." " Grandma." " There yöu go." "I picked them myself on the way over." "No big deal." "God." "She is so sweet." "I see where yöu get yöur looks from." " Shameless of yöu." " Yeah." "What?" "I'm not trying to have sex with yöur grandma." "Ew." "Gross." "Unless yöu think she's into it." " Don't think she's..." " Then maybe I will." "Grandma!" " Don't..." "He may be into it." " I'm just kidding." "All right." "I'm just saying." "Like, in two generations I could be responsible for making yöu again." " Okay." " It's called science." "It's called disgusting." "So are Mikey and Jason coming?" "No, I don't think they're gonna make it this year." "Oh, babe, I'm so sorry." "I know I'm late." "Traffic was awful." "It's a holiday." "(SIGHS) Hi." "Oh, the turkey looks beautiful!" "And yöu got the red I like." "I made everything just how yöu like it." "I know yöu did." "Mmm." "This red is so smooth." "I don't know. it feels a little off balance to me." "Yeah?" "What do yöu mean?" "I don't know." "Like something doesn't belong." "Maybe it needs to breathe a little." "It has, like, a chocolate undertone." "Maybe yöu're just reacting to that flavor." "Or maybe 'cause yöu're still fucking Harold." "I can't tell." "yöu know his jacket is still in the closet?" "It's a great jacket." "Why's it in the fucking closet?" "Can we please just enjoy this?" "I've been trying to pretend that things haven't changed." "Things have changed." "Then what are we doing?" "What are we doing?" "We're having fun." "I don't know." ""I don't know"?" "That's it?" ""I don't know"?" "We had everything we wanted." "A great apartment." "A great job." "yöu're making partner in a year." "I'm in the ER." "We checked each other's boxes!" "Why didn't we ever talk about kids?" "It's because neither of us saw that future and yöu know that's true." "Maybe I should go." "(DOOR CLOSES)" "(SIGHS)" "I just need to hear yöu say it." "Just say it." "I don't love yöu anymore." "(CHIMES)" "So, I said to Paul, after our first lunch downtown," "I thought yöu two would be perfect for one another." "Mom." "Susan, to be honest, I feel like I'd be perfect with anybody." "yöu know, for yöur daughter, it was just right place" " at the right time." " Aw!" "yöu know, like working at Google." "yöu've got a job at Google?" "No." "I was just..." "yöu know, that's not..." " Possible." " Right." "Daddy, Daniel was actually just telling Mom that he was too good for me." " No." "Daniel wasn't." " Was that right?" "Now there, yöu're..." "Well, yöu're taking it out of context, sir." "It's the other way around." "I'm very lucky." "Well, calm down, Daniel." "We know yöu're not too good for Chelsea." " Paul?" " Dad?" "And well, we are very happy to have yöu here." "I've got 3 grand on the Cowboys." "I could use a drinking buddy." "Yeah, I'd love a drink right now." " Let's get a drink!" " Okay, great." "yöu scared them away." "Thanks." "What?" "(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)" "(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)" "Oh." "I have wanted to rip yöur clothes off ever since yöu walked into this party." "Oh, my God, Grandma!" "yöur hands smell like stuffing!" "Wait, wait." "I don't know." "Should we do this right now?" "What, yöu're gonna say no to sex?" "No." "I love sex." "I love sex with yöu." "But I'm saying, like, cause yöur family's out there and stuff." " Oh, yeah." " And yöur dad is kind of... yöu know what?" "Maybe stop being such a pussy." "Okay." "(BOTH MOANING)" "(DOOR CLOSING)" "(WHISPERING) Did yöu lock the door?" "(WHISPERING) I think so." "yöu think so or yöu know so?" "yöu came in after me." "yöu should have locked it." "Shh!" "Quiet." "(URINATING)" "I think it's yöur grandma." "She's coming for me." "I knew I shouldn't have given her those flowers." "She's coming for me." "Jesus." "What the fuck?" " Okay." "Hey." " Oh, my God!" "Hey, dude." "What the fuck are yöu doing in here?" "Don't look at my fucking dick, man!" "Oh, my God. yöu guys are fucking?" "It doesn't mean what yöu think it means." " CHELSEA:" "Oh, it doesn't?" " It doesn't?" "No. it doesn't mean that." "Oh, what does our relationship mean to yöu, Daniel?" "Relationship?" "yöu guys are in a relationship?" "yöu didn't tell him?" "yöu told me yöu told him!" "yöu fucking lied to me." "What I should have said in this situation was that I didn't." " Oh, of course." " I didn't tell him." "Jesus Christ, Daniel." "We're not dating, okay?" "If that's what..." "Oh, my God." "Fuck yöu." "What the fuck?" " What the fuck?" " What the fuck?" "What the fuck is right!" "What are yöu doing here?" "Jesus!" "Does no one in this house lock a door?" " Where are yöu coming from?" " I was with Vera." " What the fuck?" " What the fuck?" "yöur ex-wife?" "Why were yöu with Vera?" "Cause I was trying to work it out." "But it's over now." " MIKEY:" "Oh, my God." " Hey, man." " Do not hug me with no pants on." " Bring it here." "Do not hug me with no pants on." "yöu're right." "Respect." "Respect." "What were yöu doing trying to work it out with Vera?" "Because that's what I do, Jason." "I try to make things work." "But yöu wouldn't know anything about that cause yöu always playing shit safe." "No." "Because we had a deal." " We were staying single." " CHELSEA:" "Wait." "Single?" "It's a long story." "We'll talk about it later." "I didn't go to a funeral." "yöu both lied to me" "I did that for yöu." "I did that for both of yöu." "Wait, wait, wait. yöu didn't do any of this shit for us." "yöu do everything for yöu." "yöu want us to be just like Jason." "And I can't think of anything I want more than to be nothing like yöu." "yöur wife fucked some other dude and yöu're mad at me." "Whoa, man." "yöu wanna say that again?" " She might still be fucking this dude." " Oh!" "Stop it. yöu guys, stop it!" "Get the fuck out!" "Stop." "Come on, man." " yöur dick is touching me, man!" " I'm sorry." "yöu know what?" "Fuck yöu guys!" "I can go back to my life!" "My roster, my fun!" "All my shit!" "And do it without yöu!" "Okay?" "We weren't getting into relationships!" "That was the deal!" "It really wasn't about anything other than having my two best friends and I back together again." "That was it." "Now look at the shit yöu guys are in!" "yöu're a sad man." "Yeah." "Fuck yöu, Mikey." "Oh, wow." "Happy Thanksgiving, everyone." "Such a special time of year." "(STILL LIFE PLAYING)" "♫ Under a sky no one sees ♪" "♫ Waiting, watching it happening ♪" "♫ Don't hurry Give it time ♪" "♫ Things are the way they have to be ♪" "♫ Slow down Give it time ♪" "♫ Still life yöu know I'm listening ♪" "♫ The moment that yöu want is coming if yöu give it time ♪" "♫ When yöu wake up When yöu wake up ♪" "♫ yöu will find me ♪" "♫ When yöu wake up When yöu wake up ♪" "♫ yöu will find me ♪" "Ellie?" "Hey." "Hey, look, I'd love to." "Love to what?" "Get a coffee." "Talk for a few hours." "Get a drink after." "Maybe some tequila?" "Jason." "What?" "Is that not what yöu just said?" "I could have sworn I just heard yöu say that yöu wanted to..." "Jason." "What?" "yöu weren't there for me." "On a day when I really, really needed yöu." "And being there for someone when they need yöu?" "That's all relationships are, Jason." "That's all they are." "yöu Okay?" "Yeah, I'm fine." "I just can't..." "Can't stop thinking about what she's doing." "Like, when I'm not there." "I know what the couch looks like at her place." "I just can't stop imagining the different people that are all sitting on it." "A guy." "A different guy." "A new guy." "Just every guy but me." "Sitting on that couch." "Well, it sounds to me like yöu just need to get laid." "(BOTH MOANING)" "I know this is gonna sound crazy." " Then don't say it." " No." "This is gonna sound even more crazy, given the new information." " Shh." " No, listen." "I'm sorry." "I can't do this." "Wow." "What?" "I'm just still getting over someone." "Come on. yöu're gonna go full girl with it?" "I think I made a terrible mistake." "I know I can be selfish, arrogant, distant and emotionally retarded." "I'm just gonna stop yöu right there because whatever it is that yöu're doing right now is not what we do." "I just needed somebody to talk to." "Jason?" "Don't yöu have any friends?" "(DOOR CLOSING)" "These actually do go together." "Didn't see that coming." "I'm sorry." "I know." "I just..." "I don't know, to be honest, I'm having so much fun hanging out, yöu know, and chasing girls." "And doing the thing and..." " "Doing the thing"?" " Yeah, I miss that." "And I'm not gonna be able to do that if I'm with Chelsea." "yöu know that." "I know." "Okay." "Go tell her how yöu feel." "Go make a scene." "Yeah." " Make a public spectacle." " Yeah." "Dude." "Go big." "Do it like the movies." "Like the movies." "Yeah." " Like Jerry Maguire." " I love that movie." " I love that movie, man!" " So good." " "yöu had me at hello."" " What?" " Don't ever do that again." "Okay" " Sorry." "But tell me what yöu love about her, man!" " What do yöu love about her?" " I love the way she laughs." "I like the way she fake laughs when she knows that I need it." "Yes." "I love the way we fit together in bed." "Because we're the same height, our crotches line up perfectly." "That's really good." "I love that about it!" "I mean, what are the chances, right?" "I love the way that she looks in the morning." "Like at that exact moment when she wakes up, and her eyes just open like two little butterflies." " Two little..." " I love that!" "I love that!" " Yeah, man." " But I wouldn't go there." " Yeah, I wouldn't do that." " Okay." " So run and tell her that." " I'm gonna go." "Don't go all Notebook with it." "But run and tell her that." " I'm doing it." " Do it." " I'm doing it." " Do it, man." " I'm going." " Let's do it." "I'm gonna do it!" "Man, yöu're doing it!" " (HORN HONKING)" " Oh, shit!" "Oh, my God!" " Dude?" " MAN:" "Someone call 911!" "yöu took, like, four bags of fluid." "yöu were severely dehydrated." "Oop!" " yöu need to be housebroken." " (KNOCKING ON DOOR)" "I mean, what the hell were yöu doing?" "I was running." "Why?" "Because I..." "I'm sorry." "I'm really, really sorry." "I was running to tell yöu that I'm sorry." "And I should have told these guys that we were dating." "From the beginning, I told him that." "We tried to convince him the whole time." "I want to date yöu, Chels." "Like..." "Like, really date yöu." "I want that, too." "Oh!" "yöu're such an idiot." "I'm out." "GLASSES GIRL:" "I was wondering if yöu'd call." "So?" "I'd love to see yöu." "No, seriously, that took forever." "(LAUGHS)" "I'd love to see yöu again." "Ah!" "That's what I'm talking about." "Honestly?" "Who waits that long?" "Yeah, that was my fault." "(BOTH LAUGHING)" "(SIGHS)" "Ooh, fucking guy in the red hat." "Who the fuck are yöu?" "Let's find more pictures of yöu." "Bingo." "Let's fucking look yöu up." "Bill." "What?" "William Matherson, restaurateur." "What a piece of shit this guy is." "Oh, my God." "Dude." "I mean, honestly, I just find it disgusting." "The way that yöu guys embrace the single life." "The women?" "The carousing?" "Carousing?" "Who are yöu?" "Cary Grant?" "yöu've been in a relationship all of two minutes." "And he is already a righteous asshole." "Guys, look, I'm just in love and shit." "And I've had a lot of time to sit and realize how disgusting both of yöu are." " Mostly yöu, Jason." " MIKEY:" "What about me?" "yöu're the worst. yöu're pretty disgusting, too." " yöu're gross." " I'm a killer." "What the..." "Did yöu..." "Did yöu post a funny video on Ellie's wall?" "No." "Yes, yöu did, because I'm looking at it right now, Jason!" "What is it, funny cute?" "Or is it just funny?" "It is funny cute!" "Jason, yöu pussy!" "yöu funny cute videoed her?" "I..." "Yes." "I guess." "I don't freaking know..." "I don't know what I'm doing, man." "Hey, man." "I think he loves her." "I think that's love!" "It sounds like love to me." "I don't know, man." "I don't know." "Maybe I do." "MIKEY:" "What do yöu mean, yöu don't know?" " Well, then yöu have to tell her." " DANIEL: yöu have to." " It'll be funny cute." " Maybe I should tell her." "Which is right up yöur alley." "yöu love that shit." "Ha, ha, ha." "Asshole." "I don't even know where to..." "What's she doing?" "Let's stop by her place." "Where's she at right now?" "Third Tuesday of the month." "She's at one of her readings." "Whoa." "That..." "That was some stalker shit." "That's creepy." "It's creepy that yöu know that." "MIKEY:" "I mean, does anybody go?" "No!" "Nobody ever goes." " DANIEL:" "Nobody ever shows up?" " Nobody." "Well, then, yöu are going to be the guy who shows up." "AUTHOR: "We pounded along, my father's hand on top of the wheel."" "Nobody ever shows up." "Yeah." ""I watched the bats crackle and plunge against the sky."" ""They never knew here."" ""They only knew the echo of there."" "Thank yöu." "Thank yöu, Ray Floreson." "I have to do something." "ELLIE:" "Does anybody have any questions?" " What should I do?" " Something." "Yeah." "I have something that I would like to read." "From my novel." "It's not really the kind of place where yöu can share from yöur own work." "Thank yöu very much." "Honor to be here." " This is good." " Um..." "Tough act to follow." "Then don't." "I'm a big fan of yöur work." "I'm so sorry." "I..." "No." "Please." "(SIGHS)" "And then the other guy asked to buy her a drink, right as Jason walked up." "And so she asked that guy," ""What happens if I enjoy the drink?"" ""What happens then?"" "And he pretended not to know the answer." "So she told him." "She asked if they would play beer pong in that shitty bar with his friends until they headed back to his place in Murray Hill." "She asked if they'd have to listen to his roommate fuck Hilary or Emily, or whatever her name was till they fell asleep." "And she asked him if a year later, they'd still be there in that bar." "The only difference being that now he feels pressure to get married and have kids, because he thinks that that's what she wants." "And then in the summers, they would drive up to the shitty Hamptons." "To meet his shitty parents." "Wondering the entire ride if they'd think that she was pretty enough." "Smart." "Wondering the entire ride if they think she's smart enough." "Because no one was." "And no one ever will be." "And Jason knew that now." "And he would give anything to go back to that moment." "The moment where they first met." "Before anything went wrong." "Before he didn't show up for her when she needed him most." "Before he understood that being there for somebody when it's most difficult is really all that relationships are." "Jason knew that now." "And he was so sorry for what he had done." "But Jason also realized that in that moment, he wasn't afraid, because he" "thought she wasn't the one." "He was absolutely terrified, because he knew she was." "And if she could give him just one more chance, just one more chance," "she knew where to find him." "JASON:" "It's 2:18 in the morning in the middle of February." "I've been sitting on a park bench for almost four hours." "I'm fucking freezing." "Why am I sitting here?" "Why am I still sitting on this bench?" ""Hope You've Liked  Enjoyed The Movie"" "Copyright from ecOtOne™" "(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)" "Copyright from ecOtOne™" "So?" "(UPBEAT MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)" "Copyright from ecOtOne™" "(MEN LAUGHING)" "I didn't know yöu could change colors!" " Just stop." " (COUGHS) yöur dick looks like a sad giraffe." " yöur dick looks like a shaved hamster." " Stop." "Can yöu guys stop?" "yöur dick looks like my dick if it were bigger and blacker." "(ALL LAUGHING)" "DIRECTOR:" "Cut!" "Did yöu friend that girl yet, Mikey?" "(PLATE SHATTERING)" "(DANIEL SINGING HAVA NAGILA)" "Yeah." "I told that assistant at Vogue" "I couldn't hang out with her cause I was taking a shit." "Whoa." "Look at that fucking crazy bruise on my arm." "yöu see that bruise?" "It's from fucking acting, bro." "Yeah." "Fuck yöu up." "Wait, I'm fucking this up." "Can we just do this one more time?" "DIRECTOR:" "Let it go." "DANIEL:" "It's cause yöu're holding yöur imaginary dick the whole time." "That might be it." "Can I just whip it out?" "Mike, we all know yöu're a two hander." "So just, yöu know..." "Oh, shit." "He knows me." "That's not a nipple." "That's not my..." "That's a fake." "That's a sticker." "I don't have nipples like that." "So maybe I'm the best ever receiving blowjob..." "Ever." "At receiving." "Fucking mother sucker." "So maybe I'm the best ever at receiving blow..." "DIRECTOR:" "There are no "evers" in the whole thing." "What?" "Can we just write it on her fucking head?" "Maybe I'm the best ever." "No." "No "ever."" "Probably gave me the best blowjob ever, in the recorded history of blowjobs." "(LAUGHING)" "DIRECTOR: "And she gave me perhaps the best blowjob in recorded history."" "There's no "ever."" "(CREW LAUGHING)" "What are yöu doing?" "I ain't doing nothing." "Yes, yöu are." "I promise." "I'm acting satisfied." "Okay?" "Jeez." "Oh, God." ""Doing the thing"?" "Yeah, I miss that." "And I'm not gonna be able to do that if I'm with Chelsea." "I'm gonna miss, like, sharing a mouth with yöu." "I miss that so much, man." "Oh, there's the paparazzi!" "No way!" "Oh, my God!" "They're not even pointed at Miles!" "Asshole!" "Nobody cares about me, bro!" "Aw!" "I might be really fucked up." "But I think Omar from The Wire is sitting on our couch." "DIRECTOR:" "It's him!" "It's him!" "(ELLIE SCREAMS)" "(ALL CHEERING)" "Yes!" "Copyright from ecOtOne™"