"Darlene, get out there and clear the table." "In a minute." "No." "I'm tired of having this argument every morning." "I want you to do it now." "I'm watching dad shovel snow." "Oh." "Well, scoot over." "If you listen close," "You can hear him wheezing a little tune." "I don't know why he won't get somebody to do that for him." "One day he'll keel over out there, and I won't be able to get my car out of the driveway." "Here's my new birthday list." "Oh." "Well, let's see." "A new bathrobe." "I'm taking a bath every night from now on." "Oh, yeah?" "And a new desk lamp." "That's so you can do your homework better?" "Uh-huh." "And let's see what else we got down here." "Uh...oh." "A super nintendo video game." "Yeah." "If that's too many things, cross off the lamp and the robe." "I told you we can't afford a video game now." "All my friends have them." "They make fun of me because I don't." "That's not why they make fun of you, D.J." "It's not fair." "Dad, will you get me a super nintendo?" "No." "But if I don't catch my breath, maybe your new daddy will buy you one." "I wish I lived somewhere else!" "Well, honey, you just remember that wish when you're blowing out your birthday candles." "I'm going to Todd's." "He has genesis." "Did you get it?" "It's at the shop." "I got an educational game to go with it." "Did you get the super Mario brothers II?" "I didn't forget you, dear." "Yes." "Wait." "You actually got him the video game?" "That's like 200 bucks." "I got some extra repair work, so I got some extra cash." "When it was my birthday, why didn't I get the leather jacket I wanted?" "Well, we wanted to surprise you." "Funny." "Ha ha." "Are you leaving?" "Yeah, I'm going to the-- book store." "I'm out of here, too." "You working in the restaurant today?" "No." "I actually got the day off." "What are you going to do?" "What do you think," "Sit and paint my toenails?" "I'm going to clean the house." "So get out of here, Dan, you big idiot." "It's not like you bought me one of those self-cleaning electric jetson houses." "Oh!" "Oh, god!" "Oh, my back." "Oh..." "I can't move." "Dan!" "Ow!" "Oh, I--I can't get up, and I don't have one of those things!" "I shouldn't have laughed at that old lady on TV!" "Dan!" "What do I do?" "It's like that game hedgehog." "power up or you're dead." "[Pow]" "What happened?" "You're dead." "The skeleton stabbed you through the heart." "That's your blood." "Oh, man, D.J.'s going to love this!" "Once he gets it, we'll never see him again." "Give it to him now." "One more time." "[Music starts]" "I'm glad D.J.'s getting something he really wants." "[Pop pop pop pop]" "Well, I'm off to my boring job" "So someday I can afford to buy a car." "Hey, hey, hey." "Hold it right there." "What?" "Every time we scrape together some cash," "You hit us up for a car." "That's the best time, isn't it?" "Well, we're sick of it, Becky." "Jeez, I" "Let me finish!" "So we decided you should have one." "You're buying me a car?" "That would be great, wouldn't it?" "But it's just not us." "No..." "What we will do is match you dollar for dollar." "Whatever you put down, we'll put down." "Really?" "50-50." "That's a deal." "How much you got saved up?" "About 400." "Already?" "Congratulations." "Today's the day." "Ah." "You're not getting off that easy." "Thanks, daddy." "[Telephone rings]" "You've been working real hard," "So you deserve the best car $2,200 can buy." "Lanford custom cycle." "Hey, Deej." "What's going on?" "Oh, no." "Was she-- let me talk to her." "What's going on?" "Your mom threw her back out." "I hope it's not like that last time." "It hurt her just to breathe." "Hey, honey." "Are you o.k.?" "Ow, Dan!" "It hurts, it hurts!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Help me, Dan!" "I'm dying!" "She's breathing o.k." "O.k. I got you." "Easy." "Just a few more steps." "Don't let go." "I'll tip over." "So what happened?" "You hurt yourself while you were cleaning?" "I didn't get that far." "You didn't try to shovel the walk, did you?" "You got me." "So was it your upper back again?" "No." "It's my whole back." "It kind of just like totally spasmed out, you know?" "I was screaming so loud," "D.J. Could hear me from next door." "After about an hour, he came home to see what was wrong." "We should call a doctor." "No." "He's just going to tell me to stay in bed and take it easy and not do anything." "O.k. Call him." "Well, sorry, mom," "But unless you're going to die or something," "I'm late for work." "I'll survive." "See ya." "Yeah." "Hmm." "She kissed me." "She must know about our car deal." "Uh-huh." "Did she kiss you?" "No, but she hugged me and called me daddy." "All our kids have a price, don't they, Dan?" "Here's the heating pad." "Oh." "D.J., I'm so sorry, but I can't make you a birthday party until I'm feeling better." "Well, can't grandma do it?" "Grandma?" "You can go now, D.J." "Your mother's coming?" "Yeah." "I sort of called her." "And what did you tell her?" "That I was in excruciating pain." "Oh, jeez, Roseanne." "Couldn't you think of me first?" "Well, Dan, you'll be at work." "The kids will be at school." "I need somebody to take care of me." "I can't get out of bed." "Once you're back on your feet, she's out." "O.k." "I'll get you some tea." "Thank you." "Oh, my god!" "Wayne Newton!" "Rosie, come out here quick!" "Wayne's here!" "Nice try." "Damn." "How are those apple pancakes?" "Oh." "They're perfect." "Remember how I always made them for you" "When you were sick?" "Oh, you were so great." "You would feed a fever and a cold." "You were such a horrible patient." "I had to hide your medicine in your food." "What kind of medicine?" "Oh, whatever I had" "That would make you drowsy." "Hi." "Hi." "Did you get all the stuff I wanted?" "Yes, my queen." "Here are your magazines, and there is the hand lotion, under-eye moisturizer, cuticle cream, and three emery boards." "Well, where's my gum?" "Oh." "Here." "Oh." "No!" "I didn't want spearmint." "I want peppermint!" "So?" "Spearmint doesn't make me feel better." "Just chew it!" "I haven't even had a chance" "To say hi to mom yet." "Hi, mom." "Hello, Jackie." "Well, how are you doing?" "Well, even in the middle of an ugly divorce, life goes on." "Fortunately I still have one daughter who asks me to visit." "How can you even say that?" "She's treating you like a slave here." "Which is more than I could expect from you, dear." "Morning." "Oh, happy birthday, D.J." "Can you get out of bed yet?" "No." "I'm sorry, I can't." "What about my cake?" "I'll make you one, D.J." "I want one from the store like mom makes." "Well, you're just going to have to suffer." "This stinks." "Where's my birthday kiss?" "Come and get it." "And he's my favorite." "He's at that age where the whole world revolves around him." "Yes." "My little boy's becoming a man." "Have you told Leon you hurt your back and wouldn't be in?" "Yeah." "I think he believed me." "Hey." "Hey." "D.J. home?" "No." "Where is he?" "I think my mom picked him up from school." "I went to the school to surprise him by going out for ice cream." "I guess you had to eat the ice cream by yourself." "I was just trying to make his day special." "It's his 10th birthday." "You got more tape?" "I'll go get it." "You've been throwing your back out since you were 15." "No kidding." "Shouldn't you do something about it?" "What would you suggest, Jackie?" "Well, when I was injured in the line of duty" "Oh, please." "You fell down a flight of stairs." "Stop making it sound like you threw your body on a live grenade." "I hurt my back..." "is the point," "And I have always found exercise to be the answer." "Really?" "Well, that's great." "Why don't you jog out into the kitchen and make me some hot chocolate?" "They just pulled up." "Where do you want the video game?" "On top?" "No!" "Put it under the bed." "We're going to make him open all the other presents first, then when he starts whining and being bratty about how he didn't get the video game, then we'll give it to him" "And then he'll feel really stupid." "Most parents would just give him the gift." "Mom!" "Mom!" "Guess what grandma got me!" "What?" "Super nintendo!" "I know it's a little extravagant, but he seemed to want it so much, we stopped off on the way home." "Dad, help me hook it up." "Sure." "Don't you want to open your other presents?" "Later." "I guess I'll just get started on the birthday cake." "Make sure you put some extra medicine in Dan's piece." "This is really great, grandma." "Thank you, Becky, I wanted everything to be special for D.J." "Can I go now?" "No." "You're not playing video games till you've had your birthday cake." "[Roseanne] how's it going in there?" "Fine, dear." "Is Dan still mad?" "No, Rosie." "Everything's good." "Is he lying, Jackie?" "No, Roseanne." "He's fine." "O.k." "Dan, I'm really sorry that I didn't check with you first." "Don't worry about it, Bev." "I can take it back and get him something else." "You shouldn't keep that anger all bottled up." "You'll just get diarrhea." "I said I'm fine, Darlene." "How's the job, Becky?" "Why?" "Because I'm changing the subject, Becky." "Oh." "Well, they moved me up to the express line." "Really?" "They must have a lot of confidence in you." "Yeah." "Right." "All I have to do is count to 10." "Don't wear mittens." "It'll slow you down." "[Roseanne laughs]" "Mother!" "Well, it was funny, Becky." "Well, I'm glad you're all laughing." "I'm the one who's got to go back there tonight." "You're working pretty hard these days." "Well, I'm saving up to buy a car." "Dad's matching me dollar for dollar," "So I'm trying to break the bank." "What about your schoolwork?" "Oh, I'm doing it." "And your social life you can't be having any fun?" "Well, I guess I don't see Mark that much." "Nice going, Bev." "You gave away the plan." "It just seems like such a shame." "Can we do the cake now?" "Of course, sweetheart." "* Happy birthday to you *" "* Happy birthday to... **" "What happened, did you forget the words?" "He took off." "Oh." "Well, I'll have his piece." "You know, Becky, all these years" "I've been driving your grandfather's hand-me-downs." "It's time I had a new car of my own." "But the one I have is in very good condition." "Weren't you making coffee?" "In a minute, dear." "Becky, you don't have a car," "And soon I'll have one too many." "Bev." "Dan, she's got years ahead of her where she'll have to work." "Let her enjoy herself while she's young." "Shouldn't you use that car for a trade-in?" "It's your father's money, dear." "It's my pleasure to spend it." "No." "Why not?" "We have an arrangement." "Dad, I can get a car for nothing." "You'll get a car by working for it." "Dad, if I have a car, it'll be easier to get to work." "Bull." "The minute you get a car, you'll find some reason to stop working." "I can't believe you think that." "That's so unfair." "We had a deal." "Grandma's deal is better." "It's better to earn something than to have it handed to you." "Nothing's ever been handed to me." "Oh, right!" "Like your life just stinks!" "It would make me happy to do this, Dan." "That's why I had these kids-- just to make you happy." "Aren't you being a little unreasonable?" "I don't think so." "At least go up and talk to her." "You do it!" "You're doing such a great job deciding what's right and wrong for my kids, they don't need me." "[Door slams]" "[Roseanne] Hey, I could use a new car." "That's it." "Yep." "You didn't have to come down tonight." "I had some paperwork." "You going to let Becky have the car?" "You know about that already?" "She called me after you left the house." "What advice did you have for her?" "I asked why she wanted an old-lady car." "Interesting approach." "They worked it all out without you." "What did they work out?" "Your wife gets grandma's car, and Becky gets your wife's old car." "but Becky keeps working, and you're still going to pay half when she gets a better car." "They leave me any cake?" "[Bev] Dan?" "In here." "Oh, hello." "Bev, this is Mark." "Mark, this is Becky's grandmother." "Hey." "Is this the boyfriend?" "It is." "Well, I understand what Becky sees in you." "You look like that Fonzie fellow who's so popular these days." "Thanks." "Well, nice meeting you." "See you tomorrow, Mr. Conner." "[Imitating Fonzie] aaay." "Aaay." "Aaay." "You came down here to get away from me, and here I am." "I had some work to do." "You know, as I was buying D.J. that gift," "I just knew I was doing the wrong thing." "But while we were in the car, he asked me if grandpa married this other lady, would she be his grandma, too?" "Ouch." "Yeah." "So I started to think that without grandpa Al, maybe I wouldn't be as welcome." "He's always been fun for the kids." "All I ever seemed to say is," ""Get your finger out of your nose."" "So I was just going for a little extra popularity." "Well, you know what?" "I guess I was, too." "I mean, it isn't often that I can afford to get something nice for my kids." "I had two shots today and you aced me out of both of them." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry I yelled." "That's o.k. It made me feel like part of the family." "If it makes you feel any better, the kids don't like grandpa any more than they like you." "Thank you." "And I've got an idea." "Until Roseanne's back is better," "I'll just take care of my kid, and you can take care of yours." "Deal." "I'm not sure you ever knew this, but I wasn't too thrilled when Roseanne married you." "You wore black to the wedding." "But I have to say, you've turned out to be a wonderful husband and father." "And?" "And what?" "What do I get?" "What do you mean?" "Come on." "You gave Roseanne a car." "Oh, Dan..." "No." "All I need is a..." "A TV...big screen." "and a satellite dish." "[Video game plays]" "[Dan] I will fix the car, Becky." "You always fix it, and it always breaks down." "It's temperamental in cold weather." "What's the point of having a car if it won't get me to work?" "Well, it'll get you close." "I ought to take it to the junkyard and sell it." "It'll never get you that far." "This stinks." "You'll get a new car when you earn it." "Until then, this is better than the bus." "Well, the bus gets better mileage." "You're not helping." "Becky, you've been griping to drive that car ever since you got your license." "Now it's yours." "You get grandma's car, and I get your bomb." "What can I say?" "My mommy's better than your mommy." "Great." "How you doing?" "Two more swords and I'm queen of the monkey people." "I meant your back." "Oh." "Well, I can't do the laundry, and I'm not making dinner." "So why do you ask?" "'Cause you've got a doctor's appointment." "I don't want to go." "He's not going to hurt you." "Yes, he will." "He'll tell me I'm fine," "And then he'll tell me I should do the laundry." "You'll just have to risk it, dear." "Why are you making me do this?" "Because I love you." "You just want me to get better." "Keep moving." "[Roseanne] I want my mommy!" "Grandpa Al, it's Darlene." "Yeah, really." "I know I haven't called you that much, but, you know, grandma was here and she was talking about you," "So I got to thinking" "What did she say?" "Oh." "It's not important, and I didn't believe any of it anyway." "She's really sucking up." "I mean, Becky got a car, and D.J. got this really expensive video game." "No, I didn't get anything." "I don't know... probably because I stuck up for you one too many times." "But, hey, what's right is right." "So... when are you coming into town?"