"Passengers said the Carnival Cruise Lines smelled like poop, but that that was an improvement." "All right, it's late." "I'm gonna call it a night." " You coming?" " I can't really sleep." "I'm gonna stay up a bit, have some me time." "Do not watch that no-no channel." "I'm not staying up to do that." "Geez." "All right, come to bed soon." "Man, that is hot." "Fuck." "Look at that rack of ribs." "Those were slow cooked, then braised to bring out the smoky flavor." "Goddamn." "See how that falls off the bone?" "That is money, right there." "Fucking money." "Next on Food Network, it's Paula Dean." "Hey, y'all." "Tonight, we're gonna be making some deep fried chicken." "My buttery whipped potatoes, and we're gonna be finishing off with a chocolate pecan pie." "Fuck, yeah." " What are you doing?" " You're just in time." "Sit down." "I've made you all breakfast again." "Crap." "What I have for you is a nice goat cheese and heirloom tomato frittata, and we're gonna top that with a little crème fraiche." "You've been watching that channel again." "Every time you watch cooking shows, you stay up trying to copy what they made." "I'm sorry if there's something wrong with helping out with the cooking." "You think you'd be grateful." "I gotta get to work." "I cooked, so you guys clean up." "Can I have a Pop-Tart?" "This is sweet." "I've seen this episode." "{\pos(192,225)}" " Hello and welcome to Progressive." " We're looking to buy car insurance." "{\pos(192,225)}You've come to the right place." "I knew we should have gone to GEICO." "Daddy time." "It's Daddy TV time." "Look at this pork tenderloin." "It is brined and ready for action." "Look at that." "Mom doesn't want you watching food channels." "I've worked all day." "We're gonna take a stick of butter and just smear that all over." "My God, that's awesome." "Let's get that on the grill." "See what he's doing?" "He brined that in the fridge." "Now, he can sear the shit out of it." "Look at the char." "That is what we're going for." "Isn't that hot, guys?" "Don't you wanna just get in there?" "We'll be right back." "Ladies, looking for a better workout?" "Stupid commercials." "Introducing the Shake Weight." "A spring-loaded workout device you pump with your arms." "Grab the piston and go to work, one-handed or double-fisted." "Come on." "You just shake it, back and forth." "It feels really good in my hands." "Best of all, Shake Weight tells you when your workout is finished by chiming and releasing a cooldown spray." "Boring." "Order now, and we'll include the optional heart rate monitor." "Just put your finger in the tester, and Shake Weight takes your pulse." "Get yours today." "Now back to Good Eats." "Just look at the glaze we got going now." "Man, that is hot." "Here's the really cool part." "What we're gonna do is... Channel blocked?" "What the hell?" " What are you doing?" " Just using the parental controls." " I wasn't watching food channels." " How do you know I blocked them?" "I know, 'cause I don't know that." "That's what I'm saying." "Thanks for calling the Food Network hotline." "Billing is $9.95 for each 60-second period." "To accept, say "crème fraiche."" "Crème fraiche." "Hi, I'm Amanda." "What are you up to?" "I just thought I'd give the hotline a try." " What are you doing?" " I'm making a pan-roasted chicken." "Pan-roasted?" "Like seared on the stove, then put in the oven?" "I've taken the chicken out of the pan." "It's so moist." "I'm gonna let it rest now, about five minutes." "There's lots of browned bits stuck to the bottom of the skillet." "You gonna deglaze that fucking pan?" "I'm gonna deglaze it." "You wanna help me?" "If I was there, I would." "I'd take some red wine, about a quarter cup, then a wooden spoon." "I'd deglaze the fuck out of that pan." "I got a wooden spoon." "It's pretty hard." "You'll put some onion in while you're deglazing?" "Was thinking about shallots, actually." "Shallots won't overwhelm the chicken's flavors." "Fuck, yeah." "Your time on Food Network hotline has expired." "To add more time, say "crème fraiche."" "I don't know what to do." "It's like he's a different person." "Last night, I walked in on him in the bathroom." "He was sitting on the toilet, flambeing a pork chop." "I'm so sorry." "It makes me feel unwanted, you know?" "I mean, am I not attractive anymore?" "I don't exercise anymore at all." "If it will make you feel better, then work out." "Like I have time to go to the gym everyday." "There are plenty of things you can buy to get a good workout at home." "Have you heard of the Shake Weights?" "Need help?" "I was interested in the Shake Weights." "Biggest seller the past months." "What model are you looking at?" "I didn't realize there were different models." "You got your standard, deluxe, small to large sizes." "But if you're really looking for a workout, try the Big Jim." "That woman is trying it out." "I think I'll start with the smaller white ones." "Smaller white ones, yes, ma'am." "Standard or voice assist model?" " I don't know..." " I would recommend the voice assist." "It has recorded voice commands to help motivate you in your workout." "You are doing excellent." "Great work." "Now, switch arms." "Good job." "You are amazing." " You are attractive and interesting." " Thank you, Shake Weight." "Come on now, almost finished." "Good." "Almost done, keep going." "Keep going." "Harder, faster." "Your workout is finished." "Here is some cab fare." "Now going to sleep mode." "You have no idea how much it sucks." "My dad's obsessed." "It's Bobby Flay this, Gordon Ramsay that." "He was pretending to read Playboy, but he had a Bon Appétit magazine hidden inside it." "Hearing you bitch about your dad is super interesting." "I hope you do it the entire lunch period." "Hello there, children." " What?" " How's it going?" "No, Dad." "The school was hiring, I got the job." "Isn't that great?" "You're a geologist." "What about your real job?" "I quit." "What I have for your starters today is a potato encrusted scallop with lobster foam." "And we're gonna top that with some nice crème fraiche." "Lobster foam?" "It says very clearly on the schedule that today is pizza day." "Yes, and this is my take on a pizza." "It's an Asian slaw on flatbread, deconstructed and topped with a nice Parmesan aioli." "Dad, no." "I'm gonna tell Mom." "Go back to your other job." "There is nothing wrong with a man following his passion." "Fuck, yeah." "Mom." "You gotta do something." "Dad's trying to be our new school chef." "I know, he tried out all his recipes and left me with the mess." "You gotta tell him to stop." "You think your father's gonna listen to me?" "This is a workout reminder." "Time for a workout." "This thing is so great." "It reminds me when I haven't worked out in a while." "That's it, work it." "Harder, faster." "Mom, Dad's food sucks, and kids are getting pissed at me." "Sorry, but I need to start doing things for myself." "You are independent and strong." "Right, I spend all my time trying to take care of everybody else." "Switch arms." "I don't need to look good to keep him interested in me." "I'm just going to do it for me." "You are so motivated and charming." "It is time to take your pulse." "Insert finger." "Do not stop your arms." "Keep going." "Good." "Get your finger up there a little more." "Your pulse is 145." "Faster, harder." "Who says that school cafeteria food can't be healthy, delicious and gourmet?" "Today, we'll be making the students my tasty baked ziti with basil and fresh mozzarella." "It's all right here, right now on Cafeteria Fraiche." "Fuck, yeah." "Dad, what are you doing?" "For my baked ziti, we're gonna start off by getting extra virgin olive oil into the pan." "Get that all over there." "It's all slick." "It's all wet and slick." "Can we have some food?" "Olive oil does have a low smoke point, so keep that heat low, and keep it fraiche." "That's so fucking hot." "Look at that crust, it's perfect." "Fuck, yeah." "Dad, you aren't ever going to be a celebrity chef." "Quiet on set, please." "No, that's enough." "You need to be focusing on getting Mom back." "Back from where?" "This is so nice." "I really needed this." "You are so lovely and elegant." "You can do anything you set your mind to." "Thanks, Shake Weight." "You are a go-getter." "You are strong and confident." "You're right." "Tell me again about the women who you do not like." "Linda Stotch is a real gossiper, and Tammy Bretz at work is just a know-it-all." "You are so witty and alarmingly insightful." "How about a quick workout?" "A workout?" "What, right now?" "Just a quickie." "You can do it." "I don't really like working out in public." "Come on, you can do it." "That's it." "Good." "Keep it up." "Feel the burn." "Harder, faster." "You are amazing." "Switch arms." "That's it." "You are getting really good at this." "You are capable of anything." "Harder, faster." "I said faster." "More." "Do it." "You are almost there." "Home stretch." "Your workout is finished." "Your cab fare." "Now going to sleep mode." "We really think this is gonna work." "All we have to do is convince your dad that his cooking sucks." "He's not going to listen to us." "We already tried." "He won't listen to us, but he would listen to Gordon Ramsay." "That's stupid." "He looks like him." "Kenny thinks his impersonation is really good." " It's really good." " Let's hear it." "Right." "Simple, rustic, yeah?" "Wake up." "Jesus." "Fuck me, you're not a fucking chef." "Hi, right, Gordon, yeah." "Making a nice, simple beef Wellington." "You're fucking taking the piss, yeah?" "Fuck me, you can't cook." "My dad is retarded, but he's not that retarded." "Have you seen my..." "My God, it's Gordon Ramsay." "Do you know who that is in there?" "That's the Gordon Ramsay." " Yeah, he'd like to talk to you." " Talk to me?" "Oh, Jesus." "You have not worked out in seven hours." "Oh God, not right now." " Come on, let's get to it." " I'm tired." "You have not worked out in seven hours." "Where is that sleep mode button?" "Cannot go to sleep mode." "You need to work out first." "Come on, just really fast." "Come on, it won't take long." "Just a quick workout." "Come on, please." "All right, fine." "That's it." "Good." "A little faster." "Harder." "Come on, get into it." "That's it." "Now switch arms." "You are so attractive, and you have interesting things to say." "Come on, you are almost there." "Faster." "Do it faster." "Now going to sleep mode." "What kind of cook do you think you are?" "You are having a laugh?" "You've got your fucking head up your ass." "Yes, Chef." "Give up, you wanker." "You fucking can't cook for shit." "Gordon Ramsay says you suck." "It's time to give up." "No, Stan." "No, Chef." "This is my dream." "You aren't ever going to become a celebrity chef." "Give up on your dream." "Excuse me, Randy Marsh?" "My God, it's Bobby Flay." "Stan, that's Bobby Flay." "I heard that Gordon Ramsay had taken an interest in your cafeteria food." "So now, I would like to challenge you to a school cafeteria food throwdown." "Are you serious?" "A culinary battle royal is set to explode here, in a school cafeteria." "Will it be the simple, rustic cafeteria food of the challenger?" "Or will the Iron Chef reign supreme?" "You people get out." "Hold on." "Wait." "School cafeteria food needs to be healthy." "Why won't people listen to me?" "Jamie Oliver." "And our celebrity sous-chefs," "Mario Batali, Paula Dean and Giada De Laurentiis, with her perky tats and gigantic head." "Can I just get some goddamn Tater Tots?" ""Your room is being serviced."" "Oh well." "Excuse me." "I done with cleaning, thank you." "Please, sorry." "What's the big deal?" "She wanted to work out." "You never want to work out." "I just needed help going to sleep... mode." "What?" "Come on." "You are amazing and irreplaceable." "How about a quick workout?" "I don't care." "I just want to find out how to return my Shake Weight." "This is ridiculous." "Give Shake Weight a break." "Because I want to return it now." "I need the address of your company." "You are enticing and lovely." "Tell me again about the women you do not like." "I don't care how long I've had it, I want my money back." "You are so forthcoming and delightful." "Tell me about which woman at work makes you the angriest." "Tonight, a school cafeteria in middle America is the stage for a heavyweight culinary battle." "The very best of the best will cook off to find out who can make the best school cafeteria food." "It's the Hell's Kitchen Nightmares" "Iron Top Chef Cafeteria Throwdown Ultimate Cookoff Challenge." "Behind you." "Who's cafeteria food will win?" "They are cooking their hearts out and bringing their A game to serve the kids of this school." "These kids have now been waiting over twelve hours for their lunch." "Over at the prep station, Jamie Oliver is crying again." "Kid's food should be healthy." "Why ain't it healthy?" "And back in the kitchen, the challenger appears to have lost something." "Where is it?" "I must have left it at home." "I'll be right back." "The challenger has left the cafeteria to find his most important ingredient." "Crème fraiche." "Where is it?" "Dammit, where is that crème fraiche?" "Where did I leave that fucking crème fraiche?" "It has to be somewhere." " I'm back." " Thank God." "Have you seen my crème fraiche?" "We should talk." "I don't have time." "I'm cooking right now." "I don't want our marriage to fail." "I don't know how to fix what's wrong, but please, can't we just go to bed and start fresh in the morning?" "You don't understand." "I've got Gordon Ramsay up my ass, Bobby Flay about to kick my ass, and the whole world will watch." "I can't sleep." "I haven't slept for days." "What'd you say?" "I can't sleep." "I'm in work mode." "Can I try something?" "What are you..." "A nice old-fashioned." "That's good." "That's it." "Switch arms." "That's good." "Really good." "How'd you get so good at this?" "You're amazing." "That's it." "Faster." "Haven't had an old-fashioned in a long time." " I'm tired." " You're gonna go back to the kitchen?" "Fuck that." "I'm gonna go to sleep, babe." " You need some money or anything?" " I'm good, thanks." "I'll get my old job back tomorrow." "Cooking's dumb." "I'm just really sleepy." "Love you." "I guess my work here is finished." "Shake Weight, you aren't really workout equipment at all, are you?" "Marriage is important." "Keep your man happy." "When things are going bad, there's nothing like an old-fashioned to ease the stress." "I'll remember that now, thanks to you." "It has been nice getting to know you." "How about a quick workout?" "For old times' sake." "Just kidding." "I must be going now." "Another lovely woman needs me." "Goodbye, customer." "Goodbye, Shake Weight."