"[PENNY PANTS AND GROANS]" "[GRUNTS THEN PANTS]" "So, what you up to, Pen?" "Every muscle in my body is blasted." "My ex-boyfriend, as of four minutes ago, is super into cross-country skiing." "It is horrible, okay?" "It is like NordicTrack, only with wolves." "Penny, you're doing it again." "Pretending to be into the stuff guys you're dating are into." "You always change to fit a guy." "Sometimes I change to fit a girl if she's got cute friends." "I'll say this. I am one of your best friends and I don't want to overstep, but every choice you make in your life about everything is monumentally wrong." "[CHUCKLES] lt's funny because it's sad." "Okay, what's your point?" "What I'm saying is don't change to fit a guy." "Find a guy, change him." "That's what I did." "What?" "Literally, any guy would do." "You should have seen Brad when we first met." "Oy." "What?" "PENNY:" "Really?" "Any guy?" "Even the guy that always brings his cat to the bar?" "[MEOWS]" "Or how about Jeff?" "Jeff is really fun at trivia night and sweet and smart." "He's a scrub. I don't want no scrub." "Scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me." "I can't go back on a mantra like that." "He's wearing shower shoes in a bar." "He's got a soul patch in a bar." "He's doing the running man in a bar." "Know what's under that jersey?" "A Family Guy tattoo?" "Possibly, but also the perfect guy." "Come on." "You deserve to have a guy change for you the way Brad changed." "I'm not gonna say "what" again, but I'm thinking it." "You know what, Jane, maybe you're right." "I'm gonna give this a try." "Mm-hm." "Oh, my God!" "Year of Penny." "Suck it." "[♪♪♪]" "So that whole changing me stuff you told Penny was BS, slumber-party pep-talk period crap, right?" "Oh, change is such an ugly word." "I just modified everything about you to make you better, for me." "Nobody changed me." "I got your change in my pocket." "That's what I'm talking about." "Oh, come on, boo bear." "When we first met, you were a total college bonehead." "You wore cargo shorts and skater dreads." "You were obsessed with Jackass," "Yeah, obsessed with taking a stand against discrimination." "Why wasn't a black man in Jackass?" "Brother can't staple his butts together?" "He can." "Got staples." "You've got tons." "I got so much butts." "So much butts." "You needed to change, okay?" "And I did that." "You're saying you didn't love old Brad." "I loved old Brad, like I loved those chairs your mom gave us that I had reupholstered, refinished so they're unrecognizable." "Okay." "All right." "Why do you have idea face right now?" "You'll see." "Something about to happen?" "Strap in." "Seriously." "Click it or ticket." "Put your seat belt on." "Tickets are expensive as hell." "I love my babies, And by babies, of course, I mean my magazines, [Inspirational music playing ON TV]" "Ha, ha." "These people make me look like I have my life together." "Aww." "That's nice that you think that." "Agh." "You guys are watching this stupid Hoarders show?" "No, this one's different." "Her hoarding's been hard on me, mainly because I'm addicted to eating magazines," "Oh, no, No!" "You guys are addicted to these addiction shows." "Dave?" "Dave, are you wearing a different V-neck than you were two hours ago?" "I am, in fact, wearing a different V-neck." "Thank you for noticing." "I keep one in the truck, just in case I want to make the old switch." "I call it my emergen-tee." "I'm gonna put on my jammies." "God, Alex." "You understand what's happening here, right?" "Yes." "Maybe." "Let's say it at the same time." "Why would we say it at the same time?" "I got you." "Come on." "Dave is clearly addicted to V-necks." "Addicted to V-necks, yes!" "Wait." "What?" "That's crazy." "No, Alex, when he left for his date he wore a V-neck sweater over a V-neck T-shirt." "Then he switched to a different V-neck T-shirt mid-date." "That's three Vs." "Chocolate milk." "Oh, my God." "That's four Vs." "Yeah." "That's almost five." "[♪♪♪]" "So how'd it go with Jeff?" "Was he wearing another hockey jersey?" "Did you guys Zamboni?" "Did he make it to your penalty box?" "Are you done?" "Did you puck?" "I'll e-mail the rest." "Actually, we had a fun time." "I mean, he's really nice." "He's got a good job, but there are so many more deal-breakers." "He's 30 going on 20, and he still says "sick" and "dog."" "And, sadly, never when referring to a sick dog." "His apartment smells like appetizers." "Signs everywhere." "It's like he's squatting in a vacant Bennigan's." "Check it." "Heh." "See that mini fridge?" "You can reach it from my futon." "Sick, right?" "Futon, huh?" "Yeah. lt's also my couch." "I'm really into combo stuff right now." "You know, like, see the beer sign?" "It's also my reading lamp." "Have you read the new Joyce Carol Oates?" "It is dope, mang." "He reads Joyce Carol Oates." "I mean, there's some potential there." "But the apartment, the clothes, the beatnik-juggalo facial hair." "You can change all of that." "Just woman him." "Just woman him into submission." "Just woman him around the edges." "So trick him?" "Yes." "[♪♪♪]" "[whispers] Dave." "[whispers] Dave." "Dave." "David." "[lN NORMAL voice] David." "[lN NORMAL voice] Dave!" "Dave!" "Uncle Rich!" "I'm sorry. "Uncle Rich?"" "My uncle?" "What's happening?" "David, you have a problem." "How many V-neck T-shirts have you worn?" "I don't know." "What's a baker's dozen?" "Eleven." "Thirteen." "Huh?" "I think my baker's ripping me off." "Dave, you are addicted to V-necks." "Guys, can I go back to sleep?" "You have a problem, it needs to be addressed!" "This is ridiculous." "You're watching too many of those shows." "Which is why we know that you have a problem." "Will you please accept the help that we are offering you today?" "is this where if I don't say yes, you're not gonna let me go to sleep?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "And I've been sleeping all day in preparation for this." "I didn't know about this, but I have been sleeping all day, so I'm all keyed up." "Hoo-ha!" "Hey, what's up?" "I'm Brad Williams, and welcome to Blackass, lt's our time now!" "Damn right!" "Blackass, y'all." "BRAD:" "This right here is the snack pack, mousetrap front flip." "We got the pudding, we got the traps, and we got the tramp." "Let's do this." "MAN:" "Let's do this!" "[♪♪♪]" "Yeah." "Yeah!" "It's going down, panties." "Uhn!" "[ALL cheering]" "Did you see that?" "[ALL whooping]" "What's going on?" "♪ Old Brad is back, uhn, uhn Old Brad is back ♪" "♪ He's back Old Brad is back ♪♪" "Oh." "Look at the leg" "[screaming]" "Thighs, thighs." "Hand, hand." "Aah!" "Oh, God!" "Hah!" "[♪♪♪]" "What is happening here?" "Oh, nothing." "Just being the old Brad, before you modified him to suit needs." "Okay." "That's what this is about?" "You're damn right that's what this is about. I'm loving being old Brad." "Ow!" "That's my good nipple." "Look, boo, if you love old Brad, then I love old Brad." "Wait." "Why do you have idea face now?" "No." "This is my "l love old Brad" face." "It's a grr." "Heh." "Good." "Great." "[CHUCKLES]" "The old Brad is back." "Hah!" "Whoa." "Ahh!" "[MOUSE TRAPS snapping]" "Hey, man, I reset those traps, so heads up." "So do you like hockey?" "Do I?" "Yeah." "Do I?" "No, not really." "Well, I'd love to take you to a game sometime." "That would be really nice." "You are hella sweet, Penny." "Aww" " Ahh!" "Oh, my-- Oh, my God. I'm so sorry!" "Did I ruin your hockey costume?" "Oh, it's on the Blackhawk." "Oh, damn it." "I think I have a napkin in my purse." "I don't have a napkin, but I do have a Steven Alan reverse-seam dress shirt." "Oh." "Why do you have that?" "You don't like it?" "Okay, because I think I also have it in gunmetal gray." "That's pretty sick." "Pretty great." "Yeah, dog, sick." "Great." "Sick." "Okay, just wear the shirt." "Okay." "Guys, for the last time, I am not addicted to V-necks." "But I will humor you and allow you to put these into storage to prove it." "[lN NASALLY voice] Humor mode activated." "I don't know what that was." "I do." "Denial." "Oh, yeah." "Dave, your whole wardrobe is V-necks." "[lN NORMAL voice] Guys, do whatever you want, okay?" "Except maybe don't take this one." "It's kind of my date V. I get V in this V. Ugh." "Bargaining." "Fine." "This is stupid." "Just take them away." "Good." "Got all of them except for one." "The one you're wearing, champ." "Really?" "Fine." "[ALEX GASPS] lt's a farmer's V. Look at the track marks." "You been dancing with Mr. V, son?" ""Mr. V?" Tweaker." "Who is Mr. V?" "Why are we here?" "I could have sworn this was an all-you-could-eat wings place." "Ugh." "Gentrification." "But I guess, you know, if we're here, we could take a look around." "Oopsie golly." "Me fall on mattress!" "Whoa, whoa." "Ha-ha." "Luckily, this plush-top memory-foam sleep number 45 broke our fall." "This is really comfortable." "Yeah." "This is, like, mad cozy, dog." "I wonder how much it costs." "Hm." "Yeah." "Oofa-moofa. I guess some things are just for the 1 percenters." "Well, no, how much is it?" "It's $800." "Oh, the nerve." "Yeah, I have 800 bucks, you know?" "Yeah?" "I was gonna buy a video game chair but, you know, I really think I would use this a lot more." "I mean, you probably would." "Yeah." "Maybe it's time to update my apartment." "This stuff's sick." "I had never thought that, but now that you're saying it and we're rapping, I think you totally should." "Sure." "Yeah." "You know what else they have here?" "What?" "Other stuff." "What?" "I'm down with other stuff, mang." "Yeah." "Oh, don't say "mang." Yeah!" "Check it out." "Old Brad went out and got a butts-load of his old CDs." "Get ready because I'm gonna be bumping the Sugar Ray all night long." "JANE:" "Hmm." "Boo-ya!" "I'm bringing that back too." "Oh, fun." "Oh." "That smells good as hell." "I made a dry-aged New York strip steak." "Yummers." "Don't mind if I didgeridoo." "Oh, but in college, old Brad didn't eat dry-aged steak." "No." "He said that he could live off of cereal and turkey dogs." "Old Brad said what?" "Mm-hm." "I figured I'd take my hooks out of you and let you be old Brad." "Old Brad is not even hungry anyway." "He's just gonna go upstairs, take a nice, hot lavender bath and soak his new dread." "[lN jamaican ACCENT] lt's a spud, but it's growing, mon." "Love it. lrie, mon." "Yeah." "Look at that." "Lord have mercy." "Boo-boo-boo!" "[lN NORMAL voice] Bath time." "Might want to rethink that bath, though, because old Brad didn't take baths." "He took showers because his tub was filled with 31 1 CDs, so..." "Old Brad couldn't afford a CD tower." "I know, it's so sad." "You know what's not sad?" "What?" "The taste of this steak in my damn mouth." "Mmm." "Boo-ya." "Boo-yaka-sha." "Mmm." "Oh, no, you didn't." "It is so good." "No." "No, still mine." "[GRUNTS]" "Wow." "Not bad, right?" "My crib looks seriously off the hee-zee, right?" "Yes, Jeff." "Your apartment looks seriously nice." "Thank you." "You look seriously nice." "Oh, wait, wait." "What?" "I have a super sexy idea." "Let's go into the bathroom, take off your shirt," "Listening." "shave your face and burn your hat." "Okay, what's going on, Penny?" "You want me to change my apartment, my clothes, my cool S-patch." "That's a lot of change." "Jeff, you're a great guy-- True that." "You dress and talk like a 20-year-old." "Oh, my God." "Now you're sounding a lot like my ex-girlfriend." "We almost got married, but we didn't because I wouldn't change." "You know, I'm not gonna change for you. I ain't selling out." "Well, why?" "Don't you love your new shirt, and your new bed and your new furniture?" "Yeah." "Yeah, I do-- Look, okay?" "Jeff, this could be you." "Welcome to 201 2." "Welcome to sex town, population Jeffrey Niebert." "What?" "That was weird." "Well, I guess I do look pretty fresh, right?" "Maybe you got a point, dog." "Ugh." "Also, maybe don't say "dog", or "stoked" or "crushed" or "mang" or add "izzle" to anything, but that's it." "Oh, and don't wear those shower shoes." "Now that's it." "Yay!" "Let's make out after you shave your face and burn that hat." "Yay!" "MAX:" "Hello." "Ahh!" "How were your "errands," David?" "If that's even your real name." "Just normal errands." "How about you guys?" "Have a good day?" "Get stuff done?" "Why don't you take your coat off?" "If that's a real coat." "It's kind of chilly in here, guys." "MAX:" "No, it's not." "I think you're wearing a V-neck." "Man, I haven't V'd in three days." "David." "Coat off." "Fine." "Oh, I'm sorry." "You should be." "You should both be very sorry." "Hey!" "Sidestep back out here for a second, young man." "Turn around!" "Busted, I knew it!" "You guys don't know what it's like." "Just leave me alone!" "We're more disappointed than mad, David." "He's hit rock bottom." "We need to do for Dave what Sharon's family did for her on Bulk Eaters," "Help." "Yeah." "Except I think Sharon died in the end." "Yeah." "She definitely died." "Okay." "I even convinced Jeff to stop saying "dog."" "Jane was right." "You can change a man." "I'm gonna start a blog or a Twitter, and then it'll become a TV series starring Alyssa Milano." "Boy, I wish my last name was a cookie." "Shh." "Here he comes." "[OVER SPEAKERS] ♪ No, no, no I don't want no scrub ♪" "♪ A scrub is a guy that can't get no... ♪" "Damn, dog." "He looks sick." "♪ --best friends ride Trying to holler at me ♪" "♪ I don't want no scrub ♪" "Hi." "Hey." "PENNY:" "Hi." "How you doing?" "Hi." "Guess what." "What?" "I'm engaged." "What?" "Congratulations." "Thank you." "♪ A scrub is a guy... ♪" "Alex, how many times did you play this song?" "A baker's dozen?" "So 1 3?" "♪ And just sits on his broke ass ♪♪" "[♪♪♪]" "Hey, Jane." "And you would be doing what?" "Nothing weird." "Just blowing the smell of new Brad's favorite candle downstairs so old Brad will finally admit he's better the way I made him." "Hmm." "You guys seem great." "Well..." "Turns out, you were right, Jane. I did end up changing Jeff into a perfect guy." "Did he thank you?" "They never thank you." "He did." "You know who else thanked me?" "His ex-girlfriend." "Well, that's nice." "It's a really sweet story." "Jeff ran into Emily at a market, where he was buying this wall sconce that I suggested, and it turns out Em loves the new Jeff." "So much so that they just got right on engaged at the flea market." "Oh, I am done changing guys." "God, that sucks. I'm sorry." "I mean, what is it with guys?" "How does Brad not admit that I made him better?" "Check out what he looked like when we first met." "Whoa." "Yeah." "Look at those nasty dreads and that busted ska-punk skank he was dating." "I don't know who that is." "That's not you with the pink hair flashing a horse cop?" "I don't..." "And that's not you throwing up behind a tent at a Korn concert?" "Mmm... lt's me." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Point taken." "Ooh!" "I love this one making out with your "roommate" Margaret in the DoubleTree hot tub." "Okay." "Oh, Margaret. I liked Margaret." "Well, now Mark, what's he up to?" "Whoo!" "I'm so excited." "An intervention?" "It's like having a surprise party for someone who's gonna hate you." "Surprise!" "What's going on?" "Please, come sit with us, Dave." "This is a safe space." "Who are you?" "This is Phil." "He's a licensed drug counselor." "Okay?" "Don't be scared." "It's exactly what it looks like, an interveen-tion." "We were going with intervench-veen." "That sounds better to you?" "God, you guys, I am not addicted to V-necks." "I thought you said this was a serious issue." "You can't be addicted to V-necks." "Yeah, you can." "I'm addicted to how you look in argyle." "This is not the place." "Oh, that's how you guys know each other." "And why is Scotty here?" "You couldn't get any real friends for my fake intervention?" "Admit that you have a problem, Doug!" "Doug?" "It's Dave." "Listen, this is really stupid, but I got an hour to kill before I have to be at a real intervention, so..." "ALEX:" "Sit with us, Dave." "Sit down." "I got it." "phil:" "Let me ask you a question." "Why do you wear so many V-necks?" "Piercing question, Phil." "Who cares?" "They're just shirts." "I like the way they look." "They make me feel safe." "Safe?" "Keep going with that." "Keep going with that." "Talk more about the shirt thing." "DAVE:" "Fine." "Well, I was 1 1 years old." "I was being bullied by this fat kid, appropriately named Fat Harold." "He would do this thing where he'd come up behind and yank me to the ground by my shirt." "It was miserable, till I started wearing V-necks." "Then I had enough room to wriggle out and get away." "V-necks always made me feel comfortable, safe." "Wow, Dave, what an inappropriate forum for such a long and boring story." "I mean, sorry." "Yeah, we're sorry about all this." "I mean, we were just bored." "Come here. I don't care what kind of T-shirts you wear." "I think you look great in V-necks." "Guys, I think I might be addicted to Vicodin." "[♪♪♪]" "[GRUNTS]" "JANE:" "Brad, I was wrong." "I'm sorry." "What is happening?" "is that old Jane?" "Let's go with previous Jane." "Forgot how hard you rocked those Gwen Stefani chola eyebrows." "No doubt." "No." "Brad, I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings." "But the truth is, I did change you." "[sighs]" "But you changed me too." "Old Brad and previous Jane fell in love and we changed together." "We grew like this." "[♪♪♪]" "Aww." "Babe." "You know, you looking so good is kind of making me wanna get us out of these clothes, if you know what I mean." "I know what you mean." "BRAD:" "Oh, yeah. lt's just the way I like it." "JANE:" "It's so good." "[BOTH MOAN]" "BOTH:" "Mmm." "Yummers." "[light ROCK music playing OVER SPEAKERS] [lN british ACCENT] So, what is a fit bird like you doing in a pub like this?" "[lN british ACCENT] Just ordering something British, like a shandy or a scone." "[lN NORMAL voice] No, I am not British." "I was just doing that to impress you, but I am done changing for guys and I am done changing them too." "Sorry." "[lN NORMAL voice] lt's all right." "I'm actually not British either." "Yeah. I heard girls were into accents, and you were really cute." "I was a preemie." "I was a preemie too." "No, I wasn't. I was five weeks late." "I do not know what's wrong with me." "[lN british ACCENT] Brilliantly played." "[lN british ACCENT] Well done." "[lN british ACCENT] Thank you." "BRAD [lN NORMAL voice]:" "Hey, guys." "Wow." "[lN NORMAL voice] Hey." "Dave, is there something different about you?" "[lN NORMAL voice] Did you part your hair on the other side?" "No." "He's wearing a turtleneck." "Clutch the pearls." "It's been four days." "Feel great." "It feels like a new chapter." "So proud of you, Dave." "Oh, thank you." "This is big." "DAVE:" "Oh, thank you." "MAX:" "We're all proud." "PENNY:" "Really big." "DAVE:" "Oh, thanks." "PENNY:" "Big stuff." "Couldn't do it without you." "MAX:" "We're proud." "[♪♪♪]"