"# Hey, Mr Dream Seller Where have you been?" "# Tell me, have you dreams I can see?" "# I came along just to bring you this song" "# Can you spare one dream for me?" "#" ""Free flu jabs for the over-50s," you said." ""An offer you can't sneeze at," you said!" ""Does it not give you flu?" I said!" "Tony, d'you know why I love it when you have "the flu?"" "Because we get to see you sneeze and then do your fake shiver." "What are you talking about?" ""They told this woman she couldn't fist-fight a swan." ""What happened next will leave you speechless."" "Oh, God, I love clickbait." "TONY SNEEZES AND SHIVERS" " That's a real shiver." " Oh, bollocks!" "Here we are!" "I forgot me flipping tie!" " You look fine." " No, I don't, I'm meant to be a car salesman." "Would you buy a car from someone without a tie?" "I might, but I definitely wouldn't buy one off a man with" " an eggstain on his suit." " What?" " Aww, how did that get there?" " It's OK." "No, it's not, I look like I need a bib!" "Mum, go and get one of Dad's old ties." "Jackie, get a damp teatowel onto that stain." "Listen, you've got nothing to worry about, Leo." " I spoke to Geoff last night." " Yeah?" "What did he say?" "You impress him today, job's yours." "No pressure, then(!" ")" "At least make us summat to eat before you go." "Ooh, hang on a second..." " Yep, they're both there, use them." " But I'm not well." " What are you looking at?" " Nothing." " Dad!" "Early morning porn when Mam's in the room?" " I don't know, the minute my back's turned, eh?" " It's nothing!" "Right, I'll leave you and your laptop to it, then." " Wait, who's looking after us?" " Bye." " Oh, no." " I was supposed to be playing snooker and having a pint with the lads but that's on hold." " Today, Dad, I'm looking after you." " Suddenly I feel much better." "That'll be the delirium setting in." "Now, off to bed." "I'll bring you up something nice and warm." "Go on." "Chop-chop, pork chop." "Let's see what the old man's been looking at..." " Jimmy!" " Wha...?" "!" "Make the "old man" some toast." " What do you want on it?" " Beans." "Sausage, bacon, scrambled eggs, oh, and three hash browns." " And a pot of tea." " Not going to happen, not going to happen." "I'm going to be late for me flight!" "Your flight's not until this afternoon." "We need to get there early!" "What if they run out of duty free?" "I could only find two - one that plays We Wish You A Merry Christmas, and Judy's old school tie, St Cuthbert's." "Judy's school tie it is." "Thanks, Peggy." "Any last minute advice?" "Be confident!" "Don't let them intimidate you with their sharp sales patter." " Get in first." " Act like an alpha male." "Hit them with the important questions - is the canteen subsidised?" "Will you be monitoring my emails?" " Do you conduct random drugs tests?" " Just be yourself." "It's up to you, Leo." "You can either take the advice of a woman who delivers cakes for a living or from a high-flying executive." " Er, receptionist?" " Executive receptionist!" "What's executive about answering the phone and making cups of tea?" " There's more to Jackie's job than that." " Thanks, Mum." "She also waters the plants." " Right, I think I'm ready." " I'll just get my bag." "Jackie, are you ready?" "Plane tickets booked, celebratory post-op bikini bought, let's do it!" " Thanks, Jackie." " (Jackie!" ")" "While I've still got you, what crisps do you think for Judy's surprise party?" "I was going with cheesy balls, but they feel too informal." "Then I thought Twiglets, but are they a bit austere?" "You're throwing Judy a surprise party?" "BOTH:" "Shh-hh!" "It's a secret!" "I'm doing the nibbles, Jackie's on entertainment." "I'm torn between karaoke and an adult puppet show." "Now I just need to find a venue." "Leo, what about your place?" " I suppose I could ask me mam." " Brilliant, we've got a venue!" "Well, I didn't say..." " Leo, ready to go?" " Yes!" "Ah-ha-ha!" "Whoo-ooh, whoo-ooh, whoo-ooh!" "And, remember, you've got nothing to worry about." " Bollocks!" " What's wrong?" " I forgot to put some deodorant on." " No problem, just don't sweat." " What was that for?" " For the best week I've had in ages." " We had fun, didn't we?" " You sounded like you were having loads of fun." "That must have been all those intense games of Scrabble." " You were playing Scrabble?" " Mm, not just Scrabble." "We had a really, really long game of Cluedo." "Turns out it was in the bedroom - with the candlestick." " Oh, I get it!" "The candlestick's your cock!" " Moving on!" " Thank you for setting this up." " You're welcome." "I'll, erm..." " try not to let you down." " Go on, show 'em what you're made of." "Good luck, Jackie." "I'll, erm, see you when you get back." " Go and get that job." " Thanks." "Ready?" "No." "I don't think I am." "PHONE RINGS" "Hello, James' Soup Kitchen, how may I help you?" "Hiya, James!" "It's Peggy, Judy's mum." " Er, Peggy, can I ask you a question?" " Of course." "Er, cheese with mould on it." "That's a good thing, right?" "Is it furry?" "Yeah, the kind of fur you see on a really cute baby penguin." "Oh, you don't want that, love." "Cut it off and you're good to go." " Great, thanks, Peggy." " Bye, now!" "Wait, you rang me!" " Oh, I did, didn't I?" " Fire away." "Leo said we could use your house for Judy's surprise party next week." "I wonder if I could pop over, see what I'm working with?" "Yeah, come round." " (See you in a bit, Peggy.)" " Bye, now." " Ta-rah." "Shit." "HORN HONKS" " Milk?" " Yes, please." "Semi-skimmed, whole milk or soy?" "Semi-skimmed." "Good, cos that's all there is." " How are you getting on with Judy?" " Great." " Must be interesting." " Er, yeah." "She's, erm, one special lady." "You don't have to tell me." "I think she's, er, terrific." "You're a very lucky bloke." "Leo, meet the team!" " This is Craig." " How you doing?" "Hope you've got a sense of humour cos round here we're totes random!" " This is Sally." " You the one with the... girlfriend?" "HE LAUGHS" "Yeah, yeah..." "Just, er, ignore Sally." "Yeah, but, er, don't cross her, cos she... (never forgives.)" "OK, so, this is how it's going to work." "Today, we're going to find out if Leo here has got what it takes to sell a car." "50 quid says he doesn't last the day." "I'll, er, I'll take that bet." "You do last the day, job's yours." "Right, let's do this, then!" "Erm, what did Sally mean when she said "girlfriend?"" "Did you...tell them about Judy?" "Oh, God, no, no, no." "As far as they know she's just an old friend." "You know, not everybody's as cool as we are about girls like Judy." "Plus it's...not anyone's business." " Exactly." " Yeah." "Dad?" "I've made you your favourite, tomato soup." "Jimmy, I hate tomato soup." "It goes through us like a dose of salts." "But worry not, worry not, this is tomato soup with a difference." "I've put in some odds and ends from the fridge - broccoli, boiled egg and just a pinch of cheese." "Bon appetit." "It's not bad." " First time in ages I've been glad to have kids." " Great!" "All me life I've been making bad decisions, from that Latvian timeshare to sponsored chimps, to marrying Gary!" "How do I know this gastric band isn't just another poor life decision?" "Well, there was that time you tried to join the National Front." "I thought it was the National Trust." "Jackie, look, you just need to trust your instincts." "I'd trust them a lot more if I weren't fat, divorced and living at home with you and Mum." "You had your operation, everything turned out perfect." "You think my life's perfect?" "You make a much better woman than I do." "The difference is, I needed my operation, but you don't need yours." "You just need a...bit of self belief." " Babes, did you do my chai latte?" " Yeah, yeah, nearly there." " You do know what a chai latte is, right?" " Chai latte?" "Yeah, course I do." "I drink them all the time." "Just remind us exactly how you like yours done again?" "I'd like it done sometime today." "Give it here." " How's a haircut going to help?" " If you look good, you'll feel good." "I feel me arse sweating against these pleather chairs." " You all right, ladies?" " Pam." "Isn't today your day off?" " Well, I knew you'd come back for more, Judy." " Oh, not me, er, Jackie." "She fancied a new look, something to give her a bit of oomph!" "Judy thinks a new hairdo is going to convince me not to go to Hungary." "And what do you think, Jackie?" "I think Judy's talking out her backside." "A new hairdo makes you look good from the forehead up." " The rest of you's still the same." " Oh!" "Jackie, if I believed that, I'd give all this up right now and become a dinnerlady." "It's not about dye jobs and layering." "It's about finding your inner goddess through the medium of hair." " I've got an inner goddess?" " Oh, yes, you do, Jackie." "She's in there, and she's waiting to come out." "Are you ready?" " Yes." " I can't hear you." " Are you ready?" " Yes!" "And I want her to do it." "Did you not see what I did for Judy?" "Yeah, that's exactly why I want her to do it!" "Come on, get stuck in." "Pam, I'm going to need another chai latte." "DOORBELL RINGS" " Hiya, Peggy." " Hello!" "Oh, what a lovely hug." " Welcome to the party house." " Oh, I can't wait, James!" "Ooh, I'll just check your fridge space, how many chairs you have... ..how your neighbours feel about late-night karaoke." "You go round, do whatever you like." "If you've got any questions, go ask me dad, he's upstairs in bed." "Oh, having a little nap, is he?" "No, he's sick." "Really sick." "Oh, and here I am talking party planning!" "Right, I'm going to need some supplies." "Hot towels, paracetamol and all the squash you have in the house." "OK." "Has that lovely new car smell, doesn't it?" "Which of course it would do, as it's, er..." "Never mind." "Erm...any questions?" "Yeah, they said there's been some tweaks to the 6 Series engine." "What's changed?" "Good question, erm, but before we get to the nitty-gritty, would you like a cup of tea?" "No, I'm fine." "The 6 Series engine?" "Well, it's, er, like the 5 Series engine but with, er... a bit of a facelift." "So what's changed?" "Well, it, er, er, performs better and, er..." "Wait for it, it, er, looks better!" "And, er, it's, er, it's quieter." "Erm... ..it's blue..." "Slow day?" " Sale!" " Sale!" "GEOFF MAKES BEEPING NOISE" "Er, don't worry about that, I was just, uh... playing the long game." "Mm." "I know what'll cheer you up." "Check your phone, Bluetoothed you something." "Oh, what is it?" "That's, er, me on a stag do in Bangkok." "Ladyboys." "You know, like Judy?" "Mate... ..I think you've got the wrong end of the stick." "Well, then, we've got a problem." " We do?" " Yeah." "You can only work here if you're into the Ladyboys of Bangkok." "Excuse me, do you work here?" "Er, yes." "Yes, I do, but I'm not just a car salesman." "Think of me as your, er, trusted adviser." "Pick a car, mate." " Drink it down in one." " What is it?" " It's an Arkley family remedy." "Cures anything from piles to labour pains to crippling arthritis." "It tastes a bit like vodka." "That's because it is vodka, boiled in the kettle." "Peggy, can I ask you something?" "No, Tony, a patient needs two things - peace and quiet." "Peggy!" "I'd like to talk to you about Judy's sex change if that's OK." "First, I'll just get comfy." "Ooh, what a lumpy bed!" "Now, what d'you want to know?" "Look, Dad, it's not right." "Think of the family!" "I love you... ..but you would make one fugly woman!" "(So, if you don't have the op on the NHS, you can" "(get it done privately abroad?" ")" "It's not happening!" "No way am I standing by while my dad takes a package trip to Panama and comes home without his package." "Not on my watch!" " What are you talking about?" " "Transsexual surgery?"" ""Tips for transitioning?"" ""My new life as a lady?"" "Google Autocomplete has grassed you up good and proper." " You think I'm having a sex change?" " You can deny it all you want." " I know your game." " You silly sausage, we were talking about Judy." "Judy... ..wants to become a man?" "Judy was a man." "She transitioned and now she's a woman and I was reading up about it." "Judy... was a man?" " A man with meat and two veg?" " Calm down." "Calm down?" "How can I calm down?" " This is BTN!" " What?" " Big Transsexual News!" "How can someone as smart as me have him as a son?" "I hope my Leo's been behaving himself round yours." "He's been the perfect house guest." "Mostly." "Mostly?" " Apart from never putting the seat down!" " Oh." "Honestly, our poor mam went to the loo last night, forgot to turn the light on" " and slipped right into the pan!" " She never!" "And whenever his mind wanders he does this weird half-humming, half-singing thing." "THEY HUM" " Oh, he does do that, it drives me nuts!" " Yeah, enough." "Still, it's been nice having a man about the place, sort the spiders out..." " Bleed the radiators." " ..make cups of tea." "You could strip paint with our Leo's teeth." "Just think, Jackie, if you don't get the op, you'll be able to enjoy Judy's surprise party, eat whatever you like." "You know about the surprise party?" " Someone left bunting in the tumble dryer." " Ooh, a party, babes!" " When and where?" " Next Friday at Pam's." " At mine?" " Pam's house?" " Leo's idea!" "Well, I mean, it was nice of him to offer, but..." "I know, I told him, "Leo, just because you spend all your time" ""round our place, having our mam cook all your meals," ""and keeping me awake all night having noisy sex with my sister" ""doesn't mean you should feel obliged to have" ""our Judy's 40th birthday at your mam's."" "But he insisted." "Well, I suppose we could have a small do." " Just a small one, mind." " It's her 40th!" "It's got to be like Mardi Gras, Spring Break and the Playboy Mansion all rolled into one!" "It'll be me, my mum and Jackie." " My work here is done." " You look great!" "Bloody 'ell, I do look like a bloody goddess." "Now what d'you think about getting a gastric balloon?" "Judy, Pam... ..you!" "I am going to Hungary!" "But you look great." "Yeah, and if I look this good now, imagine how hot I'll look with this hair and no belly!" "I'll be honest, mate, I don't know what's going on under the bonnet, but this is the same car me mam drives and it's never broken down once, and she likes to drive like Richard Hammond" "in an unlicensed drag race." "It, it says nine grand, I don't have to buy extras, do I?" "The price you see is the price you pay, my promise." "Cos I don't need reversing sensors or alloy wheels" " or any of that stuff." " Who does?" "OK, then." " You've got a sale." " Yeah?" "Sale, sale, sale!" "GEOFF MAKES BEEPING NOISE" " Did I hear the S word?" " Yes, er, Dan here would like this one." "Why didn't you come to me, Dan?" " Are you intimidated by an attractive woman?" " Dan..." "You've made a great choice." "Now, come with me to the office, let's talk about the extras." "Oh, I told him no extras." "You two, look after Dan, please." "Leo." "Have a seat." "The good news, you got a sale, bah-bah-bah-bah!" "The bad news..." "This game's all about the extras." "No extras, no job." "But I promised him." "And?" "Well, I can't lie." "Everybody lies, Leo, it's what makes the world go round!" "Think about you and Judy." "What's this got to do with Judy?" "Well, have you told people everything you know about her?" "Or have you told a little bit of a lie?" "I've told them the truth, that she's gorgeous and funny and clever, and I'm mad about her." "And that's all they need to know." "What about down below?" "You know what?" " You can stuff your job." " What?" "What's up, mate?" "Look, I don't know what your deal is, whether you like men or women or whatever, that's up to you." "But if you're going to make out like you're Judy's friend when all you really care about is finding out what's between her legs, then we do have a problem." "A problem!" "What?" "Like the one you're going to have when you have to tell Judy why you didn't get the job?" "No." "A problem like what you're going to tell your wife when she gets a photo of you on a stag do in Thailand right in her inbox." "Leo, let's talk about this." "Erm, you still need a job, right?" " Not that badly I don't." " Er, Leo!" " Hi, James." " Can I come in?" "Yeah, of course." " How are you?" " Great, you?" " Great." " Erm, I'm just making our tea." " Smells nice." " Yeah." "You know about me, don't you?" " Yes." " I've seen that look before - confusion, outrage, mild sexual intrigue." "Change "mild sexual intrigue" to "enormous sexual intrigue"" "and you'd be spot on." "But I've got a few questions if that's OK." "Mm, let me guess, do I have a penis?" "How do we have sex?" "Is your brother secretly gay?" "I'd have said, "Do you have a schlong-dong?"" "But that's just me." "OK, well, let's see." "Not anymore." "As often as possible." "No, and if he is, he's doing it all wrong." "Look, we're being honest, so..." "Look, I love my brother, really, I do, it's just..." "He's not the brightest bulb in the chandelier," " so I've got to look out for him." " And you do a very good job." "And it's a full-time job, people don't realise that, it's just..." "I should be cool about this, I should be cool." "But I'm not cool." "I thought you were a woman!" " James, I am a woman." " Yeah, I get it." "It's just, it's all a bit of a shock." "And it shouldn't be." "Cos I've done things." "I've experimented." " Good for you." " This one time, I shoved a hairbrush up me arse." "You know, just to see." "Mm-hm." " Are you sure you don't want to go home?" " Oh, I don't think so, Tony." "But I'm feeling a lot better." "Oh, I can't leave my patients in their hour of need, and I've not finished me story yet." "Of course I was shocked when Judy told me." "I didn't even know that sort of thing was possible, but it is, so we just got on with it." "Do you miss having a son?" "I never had a son." "I had a daughter who came out a bit wrong." "But she did what she needed to do, and, now, well, she makes me proud every day." "You just worry about 'em, don't you?" "Course you do!" "That's what having kids is, 60 years of worry - and then you die." "In the meantime, let 'em get on with it." "I hope Pam feels that way." "Oh, Tony, you've got very tense all of a sudden." "Oh, I know what'll sort you out - reiki!" "I'm not eating raw fish." " And the voice?" " Vocal coaching." "Makes sense." "Makes a lot of sense." "What are you thinking?" "Think you're both brave, you and Leo, you know," " taking a chance and that." " That's what it's all about." " When was the last time you took a chance?" " Yesterday." "Ate a yoghurt that was a week past its sell-by date." "FRONT DOOR OPENS" " Hey, how did it go?" " Tough day at the office?" "What are you doing here?" " Er, he knows." " When are you going to tell Mum?" " Jimmy, I don't have to tell Mam everything I do." " I do." " Did you tell Mam what you did with her hairbrush?" " Point made." "Um, anyway, for tea we're having roast chicken, mash, gravy." " What kind of gravy?" " Onion gravy." " Ooh." " Come on, then, how did it go?" "I, er..." " I didn't get the job." " What?" "But Geoff promised..." "Well, I guess I just wasn't right for that job." " Should I call him?" " No, just leave it." " Leo, what happened?" "It was going well." "I sold a car." "But Geoff, he..." " ..was a little too interested." " In what?" " In you." "In what you've had done." " Down there." " And up here." " Shut up, you!" " OK." "He was out of order, and..." " ..really creepy." " Oh, God." "I don't know, he showed us some photos" " and kept grinning and saying stuff." " I'm really sorry, I had no idea..." "It's one thing dealing with morons down at the bowling alley, at least they just come out with it, but listening to him go on and on about you as if you were" " some sort of...thing!" " It's OK." " Yeah, but why is it so hard to understand?" "We're just a man and a woman who love each other!" "You love me?" "Yeah." "Yeah, I do." "Well, I think it's time for chicken and mash." "BOTTLE WHISTLES" "Right, Jimmy, thank you very much for coming round." " But I'm hungry!" " No, you're not." " I promise I won't talk." " You will." " Just give me a wing." " No." " Please." " Get out." "Come on." " But it's chicken." " I know." "I had no idea you could be so masterful." "Get my tea on the table, fix me a drink and then I'm taking you upstairs, bitch!" " Too much?" " Maybe drop the "bitch."" " I felt that." "Can I get a doggy bag?" " (Please.)" " Shh!" "Tony?" "Tony, I'm home." "Tony?" " Oh, is that Pam?" " Yeah, so feel free to take a break." " I know, I'll hide!" "Peggy, er, I'm not so sure..." "Oh..." " Did you not hear us shouting you?" " Er..." "What's he doing under there?" " James." " I wish." "Surprise!" "PEGGY LAUGHS" "# Meet me on the corner when the lights are coming on" "# And I'll be there" "# I promise I'll be there" "# Down the empty streets we'll disappear into the dawn" "# If you have dreams" "# Enough to share. #"