"Previously on "The Hard Times of R.J. Berger"..." "Lock in night, that's like a school sponsored orgy." "This is just how I wanted to lose my virginity." "Wait, you're a virgin?" "You tried to sabotage R.J.'s night?" "If I can't have R.J., no one can." " Did we?" " No." "Soon, R.J. Berger." "Hey Jenny wait up." "What's up with the Lohan glasses." " Hey, R.J." " Hey." "Did you get into your parent's schnapps last night?" "I should probably just get to class." "Oh, look, it's the dorknamyc duo." "Is that little miss perfect in shades?" "That's new." "Uuuh, gross." "Looks like some Berger's fugly rubbed off in your face, Swanson." "How unfortunate." "A big old pimple and isn't tomorrow cheerleader photo day?" "Such a shame." "Toodles." "Max, I'm walking." "Jealousy isn't good for your complexion, babe." "Dude did you hear?" "Lily's settlement from the accident came in." "Yeah, she got like a billion dollars." "Lipo on her body, plus she got huge fakey...." "Dude, this is just another rumor." "Remember last year when everyone thought" "Gina Palacando was one of the two girls one cup chicks?" "Remind me to never shake hands with Gina Palacando." "Yeah." "Hey." "Lils, what's up, bestie?" "I am busy, peasant." "Lily, join us!" "Hey!" "You look hot!" "Who wants me?" "I do!" "Oh my God, is Lily trying to buy Robin's friendship?" "What?" "She should be trying to buy our friendship." "I've been piggy-backing that oversized hedgehog since kindergarten." "***" "Count me out." "Look, R.J." "Maybe you are cool with being broke." "I'm trying to get paid." "All we got to do is suckle up to the devil's tit." "It's not gonna be easy, bro." "She may be wearing $30 lipstick but she is still the same old pig." "See you guys later." "Look at that." "Meanwhile Jenny sneaks in the school like the trench coat mafia." "My name is R.J. Berger and my world has officially flipped upside down." "I know we didn't get to do everything we talked about doing the other night." "But I was hoping maybe..." "R.J., I'm sorry I can only deal with one emotional crisis at a time." "My life is a complete nightmare." "The cheerleading photo is tomorrow." " Everything is ruined." " Keep breathing." "It's just a little zit." "I've had hundreds." "Try thousands." "I've had a zit five times that size on my butt for two months." "I named it Zitney Murphy." "I've never really had one before." "Ever?" "It will be gone by tomorrow right?" " I'm sure you'll be bet..." " Hell no." "You are totally screwed." " Jennifer Gloria Swanson..." " My middle name is not Gloria." "It's time you learned the life cycle of a zit." "Sadly, nature's made me an expert." "♪ Oh I'm just a pimple ♪" "♪ cute as a dimple ♪" "♪ under, under skin ♪" "♪ I'm just a zit ♪" "♪ as big as a teat ♪" "♪ and I make you as ugly as sin ♪" "♪ I make such a fuss as I fill up with pus ♪" "***" "♪ I get ugly *** ♪" "♪ until you decide I should go ♪" "Dude!" "Could you have freaked her out anymore?" "She had to get the truth sometime, bro." "Man, does Zitney Murphy ever die?" "What?" "Lily, can we talk for a minute?" "Let me get rid of him real quick." "What do you want?" "I'm busy being popular as hell." "I know you hate my guts but this isn't the way to get back at me." "You think this is about you?" "You big dump sociopath, I finally pulled my head out of my unfortunately unpenetrated ass." "These people don't give a crap about you." "They're obviously using you for your money." "You know who obviously doesn't give a crap about me, R.J.?" " You." " That's not true." "I'm over pretending you are a nice guy just because you are a loser." "What could you possibly have in common with any of them?" "My *** metre spiked to hypocrite." "What's that supposed to mean?" "I'm sure you have so much in common with that Bassett coon Jenny." "What do you talk about?" "The best place to get the jazzle?" "Yeah, it's not like that." "We have lots of fun together." "Face it, you are using Jenny for her boobs and ass, the same way I'm using Robin and Matt for popularity." "Now if you will excuse me, my ass has to get back to being kissed." "Ow." "What the..." "Hey Lil, you're looking extra vibrant today." "Take your dirty stay puff paws off me, Miles." "My pleasure." "Oh." "Is that one of those touchy pady things?" "Those are so expensive." "What do you want lard ass?" "Killing my self esteem." "I was, I want you to buy me some cool [Beep], ok?" "Just some of life's little luxuries, like..." "A golden segue or my very own porn company." "Is that too much to ask?" "Come on!" "Ok Miles." "You want to be friends now that I got a little screwer under my belt." "Mm-hmm." "Well, maybe I can help." "My back needs scratching too, and it's itchy as hell." "It's probably the flees." " What?" " Anything to please." "Ah!" "Ok." "Oh my God, it's getting worse." "You must think I'm so gross." "The answer to that is absolutely not." "Put that down." "See?" "It wasn't you." "The cream is very sour." "I'm unkissable." "Oh you two have so much in common." "Both losers." "Such a nightmare." "Maybe you should put on more face cream?" "Lily, join us." "You are really going to go sit with those mini medusas." "If you want something from me, you smile pretty and like it." "I'm not paying you to have an awesome time." "Wow, that money has gone straight to your head." "At least it's not going straight to my ass like your government cheese trailer trash." "Hi!" "Hi!" "This is a private table, you know." "Don't worry ladies, he is the help." "Jenner take a knee." " Come on, lily." " You will be on napkin duty." "You missed a spot, fatty." "That's enough!" "Be gone biatch." "Oh my God lily, you're brutal." "I love it." "Let me see your ring." "How cool would it be if all the cheerleaders had rings like these." "They are at the mall, I can show you." "We can't make it today." "But it would be really cool if tomorrow when we were sitting together we all had the same rings that way we would know you were one of us, know what I mean?" "Hey Jenny?" " Don't say it." " Say what?" "I know I look disgusting." "I tried to stay home but my mom won't let me." "My mom doesn't let me stay home for zits either." "Parents just don't understand." "Am I right?" " Are you being sarcastic?" " What?" "No, I'm saying like, we have something in common, you know, like... our moms' insensitivity to our faces and our teenage experiences." "R.J., I know you're trying to make me feel better and normally it works, but..." "I'm just not in the mood right now, considering how look like a freak." "Jesus, Jenny, it;s just a couple of zits." "It doesn't matter." "It does matter." "It matters a lot." " You don't understand." " You're right, I don't." "You can't survive one bad day because the rest of your life has been perfect up until now?" "There's more pressure on me R.J." "Why, because you are popular?" "You should try to be an out cast, you really don't have it all that hard." "What are you talking to me like this?" "What else can I talk to you about?" " This is all you talk about." " You know what, R.J?" "You were a much nicer guy when you were doing everything you could to get me to notice you." "Jenny Swanson likes attention, what a surprise." "This is the worst day of my life." "I can't tell who is the bigger loser." "R.J. the geek or Jenny the freak." "Have you seen what is happening to her face." "At least now it makes sense why she would slum with the loser brigade." "It's just a couple of pimples." "You don't have to be nice now, you are with us." "And everyone knows how stuff like this can ruin a girl's reputation." "Jenny is over." "Is that the new Mac lipstick?" "I just got it." "It looks perfect with my colouring." "It's too bold for you." "Keep it." "Oh, Lily, it's funny how you bossed around that Miles kid but you can't have him around us." "He is kind of fun." "No, he's not." "He is revolting and he's bad for your image and since you are with me now, he is bad for my image." "Get it?" "See you later, Lil." "Hello?" "It's started getting worse and worse and now I ju..." " Now I just look like.." " The elephant man with boobs?" "I better go." "Fine, go." "Go tell your new friend, Robin." "Well, hey, I mean, tell R.J. too, I'm sure you're dying for him to leave me." "Just chill, Barbie." "Stay here." "I'll be back." "A minute?" "What do you want?" "Your little girlfriend is playing hunch back with the handicapped stall." "Her face looks like a koochie turned inside out." "What do you care?" "I thought you said she was a vapid goose." "The only thing worse than a vapid goose is one that's crying." "If those bitches see her like that they will massacre her." "Even I don't think she deserves that." "You have to sneak her out of here without anyone seeing." "I know what to do." "Let's go princess." "We will take you to one with better glory holes." "R.J." "What are you doing in here?" "This is the girl's bathroom." "Some chick just took a massive dump!" "R.J. What are you doing in here?" "Trying to make your day a little less worse." "You didn't tell Robin?" "Our secret." "Right." "Let's get that giant mask on you." "And get you out of here." "Here we go, all better." "The sixth period bell is going to ring in four minutes." "We need to haul ass." "Come on Jenny." "Wait, hold it." "We have to go through the cafeteria." "No, the activities hall." "You don't know what you're talking about!" "No, you don't know what you're talking about!" "Let's go." "Okay, Miles, I'll buy you a cross bow, a race car bed and Terminator sunglasses." "All right, I'll see you on the other side." "Look, it's the school's douchiest couple." "You're dead, Jenner!" "Ok, that was your chance." "Go!" "Hey, thank you." "You're a good friend." " I won't forget this." " Yeah, go!" "I guess you have a couple hours to kill before you can go home, right?" "Yeah." "It's probably best my mom doesn't find out about the whole sneaking out of school thing." " Why?" " She would kill me." "Sorry, I don't really feel like making out or anything right now." "That's ok." "I'm happy that we're just hanging out." "We never do that." "That's true." "Do you want to play x box?" "Sure." "Do you have the one work out game, where you wave your arms, pop the pink flower things." " I don't have that one." " Oh, no..." "How about a movie?" "I just bought Blu-Ray director's cut of Avatar." "Director's cut?" "Thank God, that movie was so long." "Actually this is longer." "Oh." "I have an amazing karaoke machine, I have every song in the world." "Oh, perfect." "Do you Lady Gaga?" "Or Katy Perry?" "No, wait, wait, wait." "Do you have Taylor Swift?" "I do a killer Taylor Swift." "I don't have any of those." " Do you have any antihistamines?" " That, I do." "Thank you." "Lilly do you still have that Mac lipstick?" "No, you took it from me." "Well do you have more?" "I mean it will look so amazing in the head cheerleader slot." "Totally." " Jenny was in that slot." " As if I was gonna let that happen." "Little secret ingredient in her face cream took care of that for me." "That bitch should thank me." "I went easy on her." "Just a pinch. if I used the lot..." "Can you say fugly?" "You know what, I think I do have some of that Mac stuff in my locker." "I have lipsticks and blushes and body lotions." "Hey." "How is she?" "She is ok, thanks to you." "That's your plan, genius." "No cool crowd today?" "No, I think I'm over that." "Bunch of stuck up douche bags and they never have any fun, they just like to look cool." "So stupid." "Yeah, but I mean, you got to be popular for a little bit." "That's awesome." "Not really." "It's weird, you know." "The thing you obsess over, if you get it, it's never what you dreamt it would be." "You know?" "I know." "So are we cool now?" "No way." "But we're getting there." "Scum cookie." "I missed you Lil." "So where is blondie?" "Jenny went home." "She was looking better but really bummed about missing the cheerleading photo." "Well, I wouldn't worry too much about that." "[Girls screaming]" "My name R.J. Berger and ugly is as ugly does."