"Thanks for seeing me." " I'm just such a mess right now." " Of course." "ZORN:" "Is that Edie?" "Let me guess, she's a mess, right?" "Craig has been gone for almost two days." "He won't answer his phone." "I don't know what to tell Alan." "Plus, our wedding caterer keeps calling about the appetizers..." "I panicked." "I told her just double them." "Shh." "Take the wine." "Yeah, be less crazy." "Or drink a whole lot of wine and get real crazy!" "Linda, you want to get crazy?" "I'll get crazy!" "Again I am so sorry about this Zorn thing." "[sighs] Honestly, it's fine." "I have no feelings for Zorn, which is why this whole Craig thing is so crazy." ""Zorn and I were meant to be together"?" "If that were true, we'd still be married, and I wouldn't owe him ten chickens a month." " Zephyrian alimony is so weird." " I just don't know what to do." "I'll tell you what you're gonna do." "You're gonna come with me, and we're gonna go find your fiancé together, if that's what you really definitely want to do." "Like, 100% for sure." " How are you going to do that?" " Edie, sweetie," "I'm a world-class hunter, all right." "Now, of course, I've never taken my prey alive," " but how different can it be, right?" " Hey, I'll come, too." " Oh, hell yeah." " Um..." "Chasing a guy who doesn't want to be found is not my ideal way to get out of town, but hey," " a vacation's a vacation." "I'll drive." " Oh, yeah!" " All right." "I guess I need all the help I can get." " Hey, Linda, babe, you think my centaur sex suit will fit in your car?" "It took me, like, 45 minutes to squeeze into, so..." "Oh, absolutely not." " Not in my car." " ZORN:" "Okay, fine." "No big deal." "[clears throat, chuckles] [straining] Yeah." "[grunting] The zipper... [grunting continues]" "[title music] [school bell ringing]" "Come on, Alan." "If you can show me, you can show them." "ALAN:" "I didn't think you were really gonna make me do this." "I only agreed 'cause..." "I thought we could make out some more." "Can I tell you a secret?" "I would have made out with you anyway." "Come on." " Come on!" " Fine." "[music]" "♪ I see you walking ♪" " # Walking down the street #" " BOY:" "Hey..." "Alan's got Zephyrian legs!" " Oh, my God, they're into it?" " I told you." "People love it when you're different." "Let your freak flag fly, Son of Zorn." "[music]" "Ah, well, I've called everyone who would know where Craig is, and no one does." "Wow, you are much less freaked out after a little wine. [chuckles]" "Hey, we should take you to a vineyard if Craig turns up dead. [laughs]" "Anyway, want to hand me that sweater?" "I'm in hunter mode now, so I apologize in advance if it's turning you both on sexually." "[sniffing] Uh, turn left up here." "So just by smelling Craig's sweater," "Zorn can catch his scent and track him?" "Zorn's nose is incredibly powerful." "Ooh, ooh, is that Craig?" "[sniffs]" "No, no, that's a baby crawling in a field of jasmine." "Okay, turn right now." "Turn right!" "Turn right!" " Turn right, Linda!" " What?" "Warn me." "I'm in the left lane." "[horns honking]" "Remember when you tracked Skunkman?" "Oh, Skunkman, that's right!" "No, he got cold feet at his wedding, and we tracked him down at that rent-a-chapel, right?" "EDIE:" "Yeah, and he was so hammered he got married to the wrong woman by accident." "And that marriage lasted 21 years." "Could have gone longer if he hadn't had his tiny rodent skull crushed." "His wife ended up getting it stuffed and mounted." "So those little glass eyes stare at her now as she sleeps." "Love is just a beautiful, strange, weird sexy thing." "So... do I need to turn anytime soon or..." "ZORN:" "Linda, we're reminiscing and honoring the memory of my dear friend Skunkman." "Please be respectful." "[sniffs] Oh, you should have turned back there." "CRAIG:" "Hey, guys, thank you so much for letting me stay here." "Of course!" "Anything for my little bro." "Or for an investor in my new business." "Luckily, while you're here, you can be both." "Oh, what happened to the DJ classes that I paid for?" "I finished them, but all the DJ jobs want you to work at night, and that's when I go clubbing." "DIANE:" "Look, I talked to Edie." "She's looking for you." "What is going on?" "Oh." "Everything is fine." "Edie just has some stuff she needs to work out with her ex-husband, Zorn." "But I think those two are gonna be real happy together." "Those two go together like peanut butter and steak." "Ah, my food truck." "I still don't know why that didn't work out." "Because people are idiots, Robert." "Well, everything happens for a reason." "My failed dog-walking business, face grease for people who can't sweat." "Those were steps down a path to bring me to my true calling..." "Rob Ross's Artisanal Blackberry Moonshine." "[chuckles] Hmm." "I'm gonna open a distillery." "Go ahead take a sip." " Mm." "Mm." " What do you think?" "I brewed it up in your old fish tank." "[smacks lips]" "ZORN:" "Ooh, look what I got, Edie." "It's our old road-trip mix." "It's all Zephyrian minstrel ballads written about me." "♪ Fairies, queens and maidens ♪" "♪ There's no girl he couldn't bed ♪" "♪ Nor a soul ♪" "♪ He couldn't save... ♪ [engine starts, siren blares] [singing along]:" "# Zorn, Zorn... #" "Aw, crap, its the po-po." "This is what happens when you blast Zephyrian folk music in the burbs." "They're pulling me over for a rolling stop?" "[music stops] What is this, traffic school?" "Hey, don't worry." "Edie and I got this." " Edes, Jewel of Mumbasca?" " Just like old times." "ZORN:" "Here we go." "[clears throat]" "Sorry, Officer, we were in a rush." "We have to get this rare jewel to a museum." "Maybe he could take this priceless, untraceable jewel on his police motorcycle." "Are you sure, Edie?" "I mean, the Jewel of Mumbasca, which could quickly be unloaded at any pawnshop, is worth, oh, I'd say, hundreds of thousands of dollars." "Are you seriously trying to bribe a police officer?" "[gasps] Frankly, I am offended you would even think such a thing!" "Why don't you look directly into this jewel, clear your mind, and then tell me if you really think we're trying to bribe you." " And there he goes." " Come on, come on." "Let's go." "Let's get out of here!" "[Zorn laughing]" "We used to use that trick all the time in Zephyria." "EDIE:" "It's gotten us out of six speeding tickets, and a ton of public nudity charges." "Yeah, nobody ran faster naked than Edie." "If the cops showed up, she was just a blur of peach." "EDIE [laughing]:" "Yeah." "That's true." "I used to pull some scams, too." " Oh, really?" "Like what?" " Oh, yeah." " My sisters and I would unscrew arcade games..." " ZORN:" "Hey, Edes, check out this naked blast from the past." "We were swimming in teddy bears. [laughs]" "Yeah, no, I got an app that lets me swap people's faces, but I did it with our genitals." "I didn't even know that was possible." "Hey, if you like that one, you should see the one I did with LeBron James and Shailene Woodley." "[Edie laughing] Just disturbing." "ALL:" "Son of Zorn!" "Son of Zorn!" "Son of Zorn!" "Son of Zorn..." "Yeah!" "[crowd cheering]" "Oh, that was a good one." "Alan, what are you doing?" "Wasn't that your backpack?" "Oh, no, that's someone else's backpack..." "I kicked mine," " like, five backpacks ago." " Son of Zorn, that was incredible." "Think you can kick something a little bigger?" "[crowd cheers]" "♪ Ride on my roller coaster all day... ♪ [loud crashing] [distorted alarm blaring] My apartment!" "I mean... my car." "Who did this?" " [quietly]:" "Hi, Coach..." " Son of Zorn, my office, now!" "[distorted blaring continues] [heavy metal music blasting] # I am Zorn #" "LINDA:" "So how long is this Zorn mix tape?" "ZORN:" "Oh, yeah, no, it's really long." "[sniffs] This, right here." "This, this is where Craig's trail stops." " # I am Zorn #" " He's inside." " Very impressive, Zorn." " Ha!" "That's nothing." "I once tracked down Needle Man in the Mountains of Haystack." "Craig, it's Edie!" "I love you!" "And I only want to be with you!" " Oh..." " Oh, my God." "PartyGirl82." "You came." "I was starting to believe all my friends, who said you weren't real." "[car door opens]" "Um, there must be some mistake." "Wait, a minute. [car door closes] That's Craig's sweater." "Hey, hey, hey, I'd know that lame-ass sweater anywhere." "Where'd you dump Craig's body, you psycho?" "!" "Did you keep that horrible cardigan as some sort of sick trophy?" "I bought it at the Goodwill in Fullerton Hills." "That's all I can afford after sending all my money to partygirl here." "All right, this one's on Craig for being so dang charitable." "I'm so sorry, I thought you were my fiancé." " I am, according to your letters." " Okay, Edie, let's get out of here before this guy turns you into a suit." " Oh, God, what are we gonna do?" " Just calm down, Edie." "I made a mistake, but I can fix it." "It's not like we have to do anything crazy, okay?" "[chuckles]" "Oh, I know, I'll summon a hawk." "No, Zorn." "That's too dangerous." " No, come on, it'll be fun." "No, it'll be good." " Zorn!" "So he's just gonna ask the hawk" " where Craig is?" " That's insane." "He's just gonna swap minds with a hawk." "Hawk-I-saw, Hawk-I-see!" "By the power of Zorn, I summon thee!" "[music] [hawk chirping] [hawk screeching]" "♪ On the wings of love ♪" "♪ Up and above the clouds ♪" "♪ The only way to fly... ♪" "ZORN:" "Man, it's nice up here." "Nothing in my way but open sky." "♪ On the wings of love... ♪" "What's so dangerous about this?" "EDIE:" "Well, the hawks' minds aren't good at adjusting to human bodies." "♪ On the wings of love up and above the... ♪ [thud]" "And it makes him think he can fly." "GYM TEACHER:" "I am one loss away from being the losingest coach in all of California state history." "And my kicker just got deported." "I need your leg." "What?" "My leg?" "No, I..." "I'm not an athlete." "[nervous chuckle] Have you seen me?" "I look like a walking bag of wet sand, so..." "You felt real cool today, didn't you?" "Probably for the first time in your life." "Look..." "I've got a jersey, size boys medium, in this drawer" " with your name on it." " Really?" "[country music playing]" "Wow!" "My son, an athlete." "This coach has seen your wet sandbag of a body, right?" "ALAN:" "Yeah." "Hey, so you guys are coming" " to the game Friday, right?" " Of course we will." "My son is playing in his first-ever football game." "You bet your ass I'll probably be there." "Hey, and good luck with, uh, whatever you guys are doing." "Finding your stepfather." " Oh, yeah, right." "Okay." " JOCK:" "Son of Zorn, get over here!" "McMurphey's about to jump off your roof!" "ALAN:" "Hey, well, have fun with that." "Talk to you guys later. [line beeps]" " We really raised a great son." " Hey, that was mostly you." "I mean, I married you because you had a smoking-hot ass." "I didn't know you'd also have smoking-hot parenting skills." "Well, you're not so bad yourself, Zorn." " Linda is a lucky girl to have you." " Well, we're both lucky." "I mean, Linda's beautiful and fun, and now she can sit in the back of a car without making a sound for what feels like an hour, right?" "[chuckles]" "She's not back there, is she?" "[over speakers]:" "# Whiskey and Zorn. #" " ROBERT:" "Just sign right there." " All right." "Congratulations, Craig, you're a millionaire. [chuckles]" "That's what people are gonna say in a few years" " when your shares in the company have value." " Mm." " Today you owe me $10,000." " Okay." " Ross Brothers Moonshine." " No, no, no, no." " I didn't agree to that." " Okay, that's fair." "Hey, look, I'm gonna get out of here and go cash this check." " Okay. [sighs]" " Same old Craig." " Good old Craig." " I didn't mean it in a good way." "Have you not seen the pattern?" "You left Edie because you thought she'd be happier with someone else." "You're constantly funding Robert's businesses, even though they have no hope of working out." "Well, "no hope" is a little strong." "Craig, you and I went to the Dartmouth formal together, and when your brother asked me to dance, you left without saying good-bye and transferred to Chico State." "And look how well that turned out." "I get that you like making other people happy, but you can't sacrifice your own happiness to do it." "Hmm." "You know, you're right." "I should've never given away the woman that I love." "I have waited so long to hear you say that." "I'm coming, Edie!" "Okay." "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, wait." "I thought, um, maybe there was something still between you and me." "I'm sorry." "I am done making other people happy." "Okay." "[school bell rings]" " So, kicker, huh?" " Mm." "Thanks for pushing me to show my legs." "[chuckles]:" "Oh!" "Oh, you're welcome." "GYM TEACHER:" "Son of Zorn!" "I promised you a jersey with your name on it," "I delivered a jersey with your name on it." " Whoa!" " MARCUS:" "We're gonna go drink beers and lock up some nerds in the janitor's closet." " [laughter] Yeah!" " Oh, yeah!" "Yeah, that sounds awesome!" "Alan, I-I thought we were hanging out after school." "GYM TEACHER:" "Oh!" "Maybe we need to give these two a second." "[imitates whip cracking] [laughter]" "GYM TEACHER:" "I'm sorry." "No, I just did that because I'm so lonely." "That's on me." " Just, please..." " Son of Zorn!" "Yeah!" "[players cheer] MARCUS:" "Dude's legs rule!" "Yeah." "That's so cool..." "Layla." "Whoa." "Hey, aren't you happy for me?" "What's the deal?" "Alan, I thought we were going to your mom's house to hang out." " Do you not want to hang out?" " I do." "Okay?" "I really do." "It's just, these are, like, the guys!" "I finally have "guys."" "This is starting to feel like the real me." "Great." "Well, if this is the real you," " maybe I'm not into the real you." " Whoa, whoa, whoa." "Wha..." "Layla." "Oh, come on." "[over speakers] # Zorn is at the party... # [music]" "ZORN:" "Well, we're never gonna make it to Sacramento tonight, so, uh..." "Well, this will cheer you up, Linda." "A night at a motel with me and my ex-wife." "It's too far and we're too tired." "Oh, you know, I could've scored us some crystal meth back at that truck stop you left me at for three hours." "Linda!" "We apologized, okay?" "And we bought you some Combos and the Best of Toto" " on cassette tape." " Not good enough!" "Oh, perfect." "Dibs on the bathtub." "[laughs] Oh, come on, Linda." "What's the problem?" "Edie and I have shared a bed with another human before." "Actually, humans." "With an "S." Plural." "O-Okay." "It was a pile of humans." "15, 16 humans." "Completely lost track of Edie at one point." "Oh, and full disclosure." "The beings... weren't all human." "EDIE [chuckles]:" "Well." "It's not like it sounds." "We were in a refugee camp." "The orgies there were real downers." "Uh, but you know what, Linda?" "You should take the bed." "You guys can even share it together." "I don't care." "What, and make you sleep on the floor?" "Oh, come on." "What is this, our home in Zephyria?" "Yeah." "I did have to sleep on the floor." "ZORN:" "Hey." "I'll tell you what." "I'll go get a roll-away, you two have the bed." "Okay, I want you to be honest with me." " Okay." " Do you still have feelings for Zorn?" "[exhales]" "I think that pause tells me everything I need to know." "[chuckles] Linda!" "[chuckles softly] [door opens] ZORN:" "So, I was on my way to go get a bed, when I found this treasure trove." "Look at that." "Half a turkey club and an open can of diet soda." "[laughs] Spoils go to the victor!" "[spits] No, that's dip spit." "That's what that is." "Wait, she just left?" "No, no, no, come on." "People don't just suddenly get up and leave their partners." "I mean, have you ever in your life heard of that happening?" " I have." " I just don't get it." "She thinks..." "I still want to be with you." "Wait, hold on." "What?" "Why would she think that?" "Craig's letter put the idea in my head, and then when Linda asked if we still had feelings for each other," "I don't know, I guess I just hesitated a little too long." "Well, yeah." "No." "Of course you hesitated, because you can't handle that I've have moved on." "What it comes down to is that you just don't want anyone else to have me." "Have this, and these." "I paused for a second!" "That's it." "[scoffs] Maybe the real reason she's leaving you is because of your insane narcissism." "Narcissism?" "Hey, you know what?" "I am taking the bed." "And just so it's crystal freaking clear," "I'm willing to let you have sex with me one time, because I'm sad about Linda leaving me." "Hey!" "Don't you walk out of here." "I'm pretty sure" "I'm right in this argument, and that does not happen a lot!" "So you get back here and apologize to me!" "All right, fine!" "[music]" "♪ Just smile for me ♪" "♪ And let the day begin ♪" "♪ You are the sunshine ♪" "♪ That lights my heart within ♪" "♪ And I'm sure that you're an angel in disguise ♪" "♪ Come take my hand ♪" "♪ And together we will rise ♪ [playing on phone]:" "# On the wings of love #" "♪ Up and above the clouds ♪" "♪ The only way to fly... ♪" "Oh, oh." "Edie!" "Uh, hi." "Look, I messed up, and I'm sorry." "The truth is, I really like you with Linda." "Thanks, Edes." "Hey, how about a friendship hug?" "A small one." "No hip contact." " Get away from my fiancé." " [gasps] Craig!" "ZORN:" "What?" "No!" "Easy there." "It's not what it looks like." "I'm so glad you're here." "I don't care what you're glad about." "Well, I do, but now I also care what I'm glad about." "ZORN:" "Oh, man, it's good to see you." "I tell you, you are engaged to one crazy B." "I mean, we had some good times, yes, but you are doing me a huge favor taking her off my hands." " Well, how did you find us?" " Our joint credit card." "Oh, yeah, that would have been a really good way to find you." "But, you know, this way let me use my Starwood points, so we both win, huh?" "CRAIG:" "I don't care what pleasures of the flesh has happened in this bawdy motel room." " Absolutely none." " Eh, not "none."" "But it ends here." "If Edie will have me back, I want to be back." "Forever." "And I don't care if it makes anyone else unhappy." "EDIE:" "Craig!" "I've waited years to hear you say something that selfish." "Oh, I'm so glad you're back." " [baby voice]:" "Ooh, my Cwaigy!" " Oh, Edie!" "You changed the "R" to a "W" and it sounded like a kid said it." "You know, now that I think about it," "I really should've just mind swapped with Craig right away, and we would have known exactly where to find him." "That's such a handy trick to have." "I wonder why I don't use it more often, you know?" "[chuckles]" "Oh, that's right." "'Cause I start lactating blood." "[whistle blows]" "QUARTERBACK:" "Hut!" "Hut!" "[players grunting]" "Hey, Linda!" "We're over here!" "ZORN:" "What?" "Linda came?" "Uh, quick, guys, think of a good reason I can whip out my two penises." "That's usually a top shelf icebreaker." "[whistle blows] Well, I invited her." "I told her all the confusion on the trip was my fault." "Hey, Linda, uh, I'm glad you could come." "Edie told you it was all her fault, right?" "She did, but I'm still a little mad at you." "I am so, so sorry Linda." "That's not how I wanted our first road trip to go." "I wanted it to be sweet and special, and to include sex in at least six different rest areas and/or jetted tubs." "I-I promise you that I won't ever take you for granted again." "And as a symbol of that promise, well, here, I got you these." "[gasps] Oh, Zorn." "Oh, they're beautiful!" "Thank you." "All right, I forgive you." "Plus, my apartment's being fumigated, so I need a place to stay tonight." "[whispering]:" "Zorn, aren't those the cursed" "Crystals of Cuwathahara?" " Yes." "But her parents are already dead." " Oh." "Oh!" "Come on, Whitaker!" " Son of Zorn!" " Hey." " Come here!" " Oh!" "ALAN:" "Hey, coach, what do you need?" " What do I need?" " Yeah." "Maybe a little validation in my life, considering the Booster Club didn't even tell anybody that we were having a game!" "But I'll take a field goal and a win." " I can..." "You want me to kick the field goal?" " Yeah!" " Right now?" " Right now!" " Okay." " Oh, I'm so proud of you!" "EDIE:" "Here we go!" "This is so exciting!" "Let's go, Alan!" "That's our boy!" "ZORN [chanting]:" "Fire it up!" "Take control!" "Domination!" "Grind the bones of your enemies to dust and ravage their elders!" "PLAYERS:" "Break!" "MARCUS [chanting]:" "Son of Zorn!" "Son of Zorn!" "Son of Zorn!" "Come on, baby!" "Hut!" " [crowd gasps] Ooh!" " Oh!" "[player groans] [whistle blows] REFEREE:" "Need a medic!" "ZORN:" "Woo-hoo!" "[laughs]" "Way to go, Son of Zorn!" "Oh, man, you totally killed that kid!" "I heard so many bones break!" "Wha..." "I..." "[player sobbing]" "I don't think I understand the rules of this game." " Hey..." " Aw, look at my handsome little failure." "[sighs]" "I lost the game, lost my new friends and Layla, so I'm the worst." "Hey, I don't know you that well, but I'm pretty sure you're not the worst." "But like I said, I don't know you that well." "Well, you know what?" "I do know you, and I think you're great." "And don't you forget that." "No matter what I say in civil court when that poor paralyzed boy's family decides to sue us." "LINDA:" "Ugh, he will never be the same, that kid." "You know, I never seen a live femur before." "ZORN:" "Don't worry, Alangulon." "The image of that boy's broken body will eventually fade from your memory." "Now, the sound of that boy's body breaking?" "That's probably gonna haunt you for the rest of your life. [laughs] [sighs] [over speakers]: # Whiskey and Zorn, whiskey and Zorn #" "♪ Sounding his horn ♪" "♪ Hope is reborn ♪" "♪ This amber defender ♪" "♪ Will cease my surrender ♪" "♪ With wheat rye and sweet barleycorn ♪" " # Whiskey and Zorn... #" " ZORN:" "I know what you're thinking." "How did this only make it to 38 on the Zephyrian Top 40, right?"