"# Stick a pony in me pocket" "# I'll fetch the suitcase from the van" "# 'Cause if you want the best 'uns but you don't ask questions" "# Then, brother, I'm your man" "# 'Cause where it all comes from is a mystery" "# It's like the changing of the seasons and the tides of the sea" "# But here's the one what's driving me berserk." "# Why do only fools and horses work?" "#" "Number 32, red." " Wotcher, Del." " All right, Trig?" " No Dave?" " He's on his way later." " He's bringing his bird, Cassandra." " He's getting serious." "Birds blow him out after a few weeks." "He's been blown out more times than a windsock." "Trig, don't look, but you see the bloke at the bar...?" " I said don't look." " Arnie?" " D'you know much about him?" " Not a lot." "He moved here a few weeks ago." "He seems a nice bloke." "He's a retired jewellery dealer, ain't he?" "That's what he told me." "Retired early." "Perhaps he made enough." "Why?" "You lining something up?" "I dunno." "I've been having a few drinks and chats with him, and he let it slip that he still likes to do a bit of private business." "All cash and confidentiality." "Just enough to keep the tax man at bay." " I thought I might see what I can pick up." " I heard your firm was broke." "I'm a businessman." "I've always got a bit pugged away for emergencies." " Who said we was broke?" " Dave." "He's only my financial advisor." "What does he know?" "Look at these cards." "I'm not going to get anywhere." " Try these." " Trig, you can't do that." "Yeah." "Pay me." " There you go." " How's it going?" "Hello, Arnie." "I didn't spot you there." "I've only been here five minutes." "Most of that time was spent talking to the doorman, Otto." " What's up with him, then?" " Oh, nothing." "I'm not a member, so I drop him a few quid to get in." "Tonight the price has gone up 30%." "Still, it's only money." "Get yourself a membership form and I'll second you." " That's very nice of you, Del." " That's all right." "Stay on that." "If they pay 19s, you're laughing." "That's not my style, Arnie." "He who dares wins." "Fancy a drink?" " Evening, Otto." " Evening, Mr Grayson." "How's business?" "I've just gone into voluntary liquidation...again." " Congratulations, sir." " Thank you, Otto." "Good luck." "Evening, Otto." "I'm just having a word with the doorman." "Is there a problem?" " Members only." " I am a member." " Where's your membership card?" " Oh..." "I appear to have left it at home." "If you give me £20, I'll let you in free." "No, I am a member." "I've been a member for about five years." "I shall have to ask you to leave." "Where would you like to land?" " Come on..." " It's all right, Otto." "He's Del's brother." " Is that right?" " Yeah, honest." "Oh, all right." "In that case, have a nice evening, sir." "He's a laugh, old Otto." "Always larking about." "So the gravedigger says to the vicar..." ""I've gotta have somewhere to park me bike."" "See you in a minute." "Hello, hello." "Cassandra, this is my brother Derek." "Del, this is Cassandra." "Hello." "Very pleased to meet you." "Rodney has told me all about you." "Don't worry, I won't shout it about." "That's very kind of you, Derek." "Rodney's told me all about you too, though I didn't believe him...until now." "I like her!" " Shall we sit down, Cass?" " Can I get you a drink?" " Just a coke and ice." "I'm driving." " OK." "Rodney?" "A non-alcoholic lager top." " What line of work are you in?" " I work for a bank." "Really?" "Tell me, do they do loans?" " Leave Cassandra alone." " I'm only being polite." " They do loans, according to status." " Lets you out, then, don't it?" "I don't work on that side." "I'm in Overseas Investment." "Del does that" " Albanian watches, Turkish raincoats, that sort of thing." "Shall I tell Otto what you called him just now?" " I hear your dad's in business." " Yes." "He's got a printing workshop." "Oh, what's that, a family business passed on?" "No." "There was no silver spoon." "He used to live on a council estate." " Really?" "Perhaps I know him." " Oh, God." " What's his name?" " Parry." "Alan Parry." "Alan Parry?" "Yes!" "Little fella." "One brown eye, one blue eye." " Talks with a squint, walks with a stutter." " That's him!" "I'm going to leave you two lovebirds." "Just remember, Cassandra, Rodney tells me everything." "Thanks for the warning." " I'm sorry about him, Cass." " Why are you apologising?" "He's lovely." " Del?" " Yeah." "He makes me laugh." "Yeah." "He's all right, I suppose...at times." "Well, I'd better make a move." "Gotta be up early for work in the morning." " I'll be glad when I'm retired, Arnie." " You can't beat it, Trigger." "Get out of bed at 11 o'clock and relax for the rest of the day." "You retired early." "I thought you jewellery dealers carried on till you dropped." " That's what happened." " Eh?" "I keeled over one day - ticker trouble." "The stress of business." "Doctors gave me six months to live." "Oh..." "Yeah...." "Well..." " Doctors say anything to get rid of you." " This was private." "They gave Georgie Collins six months to live." " He was gutted." " Well upset." "They'd mixed up his records with another bloke's." "But the other bloke only had three months to live." "Yeah, I know, Trig." "That's not the point." "I was just saying doctors can make mistakes." "No." "The doctors said I didn't have long to go unless I changed my lifestyle." "That's exactly what I did." "Gave up boozing and fags." "Started doing things I hadn't done for years - walking, breathing decent air." "Have you any idea the kind of damage alcohol and nicotine does to your heart?" " Same again, Del?" " No, thanks." "I'll have a mineral water." " Arnie?" " Mineral water too, son." "Nothing for me, Dave." "I'm off." " See you around." " See you, Trig." "But the most important thing I ever did was getting out of the business." "Getting away from all that stress." "You might not believe this, but I used to be taut." "Getting away from all that stress." "You might not believe this, but I used to be taut." "What were you learning?" " Taut." "Tight, nervous tension." " Oh, taut!" "You mean like...?" "I've got away from all that." "I've got my house." "My wife Pat - a lovely caring woman." "My boys, Gary and young Steven." "What more can a man ask for?" "# And I think to myself, what a wonderful world!" "#" "Cheers, bruv." " You still do a bit, though." " Occasionally, with the right person." " Basically, I'm just getting rid of stuff." " Well, don't forget I am a trader." " Interested in jewellery?" " I'm interested in anything, Arnie." "And you don't mind if it's arrived via an unorthodox route?" "Of course not." "Some things have a tendency to float out of factory windows." " That's just Mother Nature." " You in a hurry?" "I've got all the time in the world." " Meet me in the car park in an hour's time?" " Yeah." "Cushty." "Won't be long." "Lovely jubbly." "Goodnight, Del." "Lovely meeting you." "You too, sweetheart, and I won't say a word." " Thank you." " See you in a while." " Rodney, where are you going?" " Cassandra's giving me a lift home." "Don't bother." "We've got the van here." "Excuse me one moment while I go and kill him." " What d'you think you're playing at?" " I told you." "I've got a deal going on." "I told you I want nothing to do with it." "I know you did, but I've got to meet Arnie over there where it's nice and dark." "I've only just met the geezer, so I would appreciate a bit of back-up." "Yeah, but I wanted to..." "say goodnight to Cassandra." "Say goodnight, but get back here a bit lively." "No, I meant..." "Oh, bloody 'ell!" "Give me a couple of minutes." " What's happening?" " I'll have to drive Del home." "He's drunk." "Drunk?" "He doesn't look drunk." "I know." "That's a bad sign with him." "He hides it well, you see." "But push him with one little finger, he'd fall flat on his face." "It's a problem of his I've had to live with since I was a kid." " How sad." " Yeah, I know." "It's tragic." "Still, never mind, eh?" "Blimey, let the poor girl up for air." " Hands, Rodney." " Sorry." " D'you fancy a meal on Thursday?" " I told you." "I'm on a training course." " You must get a few hours off." " Well, yes." "If you fancy flying over to Guernsey." "Guernsey?" "You've got to go all the way to Guernsey?" "Yes." "I did ask Guernsey if it would come to me, but it refused." "I've heard about these company training courses." "They're just an excuse for an orgy." " Really?" " Be serious for one moment, Cassandra." "Rodney, if what you've heard is true and all these staid and boring people hurl themselves into a pit of carnal abandon, it doesn't mean I have to join in, does it?" " I suppose not." " No suppose about it." " No." "Sorry." "You're right." " Of course I'm right." "I'll take my whip just in case." " I'll phone you." " I'll phone you, too." "Better not phone at the same time or we'll both be engaged." " I love you." " Do you?" "And I..." "Come on, Rodney." "He's here." " Don't have a nice time." " I'll try not to." "'Ere, what were you doing with that girl?" " I was saying goodnight." " Saying goodnight?" "She had her head in your mouth at one point." " You was watching?" "!" " I couldn't help it." " The last time I saw that was in a circus." " You saucy gi...!" "(HE COUGHS)" " What's up?" " I got a tickle in me throat." "It's probably got her wig stuck in it." " All right?" " Hop in the back." "Get in the back, Rodney." "Go on." " Sorry I was a bit late." " It's all right." "Open that." " Jeez!" " What did you do?" "Mug Mr T?" "There's 250 chains there, 18-carat gold." "If you were to go to some poncy Bond Street shop with plenty of mark up, they'd want £200 for each of those." "That's £50,000 sitting there." "50 grand!" "'Ere, wait a minute." " This ain't a result of some raid, is it?" " No, nothing like that." "About six months ago, a client asked me to get hold of these for the right price." " D'you know Maxie Stavros?" " No, I don't." "You're lucky." "Nice enough guy till it comes to money." "Anyway, we agreed on a price." "He was going to pay me 25 grand." "He's got these contacts in the States." "These things sell really well over there." "It's the English hallmarks - the Yanks love that." "So I acquired the goods and I haven't heard from him since." "You could sue for breach of contract." "Listen to it!" "No, son, there's no contract between friends." "It's a man's word, handshake, gentleman's agreement." "Anyway, Mr Stavros isn't a man you'd want to sue." "I suppose he's got troubles, but so have I." "I can't wait any longer." "I'll have to let these go at half the wholesale price." "That's £50 each." "Yeah, well..." "What's the catch?" "You said they came via an unorthodox route." " I didn't pay the VAT." " Ah." "I assumed they were for retail outside the European Community and therefore would not be liable to VAT." "Now I'm lumbered with 'em." " What do you reckon?" "You interested?" " Yeah." "I'm interested, yeah." "Yeah." "I'll take two." "Two?" "!" "All right." "Three." "I'm not running a corner shop, Del." "I'm a dealer." "I buy and sell jewellery in bulk." "Take the whole lot or none at all." "No, no..." "I know that." "I meant I'll take two or three samples to show my clients." "12,500 grand in cash and they're all yours." "I don't think I've got that sort of money on me at the moment." "I can wait." "Sell those round the pubs and clubs and you'll double your money." " I'll take 'em." " £12,500...!" " Subject to a surveyor's report, of course." " Of course." " Do you know the Nag's Head in Peckham?" " I'll find it." "I'll see you there tomorrow at one o'clock." "Look after them for me, won't ya?" " You kicked me!" " Because you've got a big mouth." "You gave Arnie the impression we were small time." " I can double my investment." " Where are you gonna get £12,500?" "There's Boycie." "He's got money and likes a gamble." "Mike knows a bargain when he sees one." "I'll put together a consortium." " Hand the whole deal over to them?" " I've got some money to put in." "No, Del, remember what I told you?" "Our partnership is virtually broke." "No, Rodney." "Our partnership is potless." "I've got some money to put in." "You've...?" "How much?" "Not a lot..." "It's nothing." "About four grand." " £4,000?" "!" " It's my nest egg." "More like a bleedin' ostrich egg!" "Where did you get that from?" "It's money I've been saving up over the years." "It soon builds up." " You conning git!" " You could have done the same thing." " Don't talk to me!" " You could have." " Mum said on her deathbed, "Del Boy..."" " Shut up!" "You're back from the airport early." "Her plane got off on time." "Where's Del?" "Him and Arnie and the rest of the consortium have gone to have them chains examined." "The rest of the consortium?" "How many's in it?" "There's Del, Trigger, Mike, that feller Boycie and me." "There could be more by now." "He's gone a bit public, ain't he?" "I've just been down the Post Office and got my savings." "Pity you weren't interested." "You could have made a few bob." "I suppose I could have." "But them chains are part of a VAT rip-off, aren't they?" "I know." "That's why they're so cheap." "Want a cup of tea?" " No, I don't want nothing." " What's wrong?" " Nothing." "Everything's fine." " You've got her number." "Give her a call." "No way." "She was supposed to phone me at 12.30, and look!" "She's probably having a drink with them yuppy sorts from the bank." " She might be in bed, Rodney." " Eh?" " I mean sleeping off the jet lag." " Jet lag?" "!" "She's only gone to Guernsey." "What'd the jeweller say?" "They're pukka, Unc." "They are the real McCoy!" "Solid gold, 18-carat, top-class workmanship, just like Arnie said." "We'll double our money on these." "Very shrewd of you, Rodney, not to get involved in this deal." "Shut up!" "Here they come." "Come on, lads." "All come in." "Let's have a celebration drink." "We should discuss the matter in private first." "I don't like being premature." "Marlene said something about that the other day." "I hope you don't mind, but the consortium would like a little board meeting." " No, of course not." " Perhaps you'd like to wait in reception?" "In the kitchen, Arnie." "Have some tea." " There's egg mayonnaise and tomatoes." " That's OK." "I'd prefer it if the gold stayed in the room with us." "All right, Mr Boyce." "I'd like to keep an eye on it as well." "So if I leave it here...we can both see it." " Perfect." " Thank you." "Thanks, Arnie." "You're giving Arnie the impression you don't trust him." "He wouldn't be far wrong." "I don't know the man." " He seems a decent enough fellow." " He's a solid bloke." "I can vouch for him." "He's played it straight." "He said those chains were worth 25K and we've had it confirmed by an independent jeweller." "I want to know how he can afford to sell 'em at 50% less than their wholesale price." "He bought them when the price of gold was down." "Plus he didn't bother to tell those nice people at the VAT office." "All right." "Here is my seven grand." "Good." "Well done, Boycie." "Come on, Michael." "Let's see you." " A thousand." " Good." "I've been a bit strapped recently." "I could only get £274.50." "My Aunt Reen had to pawn her necklace for that." "Don't worry." "We'll double your money." "Albert, did you go down the post office?" "I didn't get as much as I thought." "I only got £189.26." " You said you had 200 quid odd!" " I know." "I miscalculated the interest." "That means we are £36.24 short of the target." "Not any more you're not." "You can count me in." "Thank Gawd for the Great Gatsby!" "Arnie, come on, the board meeting's over." " Have you reached an executive decision?" " We have, yes." "The deal is on." "It's on." "What a relief." "I couldn't stand any more tea." " Yes." " This, gentlemen, is yours." "And here is the old doh ray mi." "Look at that." "Isn't that sweet?" "Reminds me of holidays in County Donegal." "Is that a Paddy 10p?" "I'll change that." "Don't worry." "I won't bother counting." "I trust you." "That's right, good." "We've all got to learn to trust each other, Arnie." "Boycie's just got his funny little ways." "You ask his missus!" "Oh, that reminds me." "D'you mind if I phone the wife?" "Sure." "No problem." "I'll get the phone for you." "What about that drink, chaps?" "You'll stay for one, Arnie?" " I'll have a quick mineral water." " OK." "Good boys." "Rodney, go to the fridge and get the beers." "As it's a special occasion, I'll have a drop of port." " Same here." " I'll have a beer." "Pat?" "Yeah, it's me." "I don't know what time I'll be back." "Soon as I can drag myself away from these toerags!" "Don't wait up, Pat." "He's on a ghoster!" "She'll think I'm back on the booze!" "How's things at home, love?" "What?" "!" "I can't meet him!" "Hang on." "No, love." "I haven't got them any more." "I wouldn't joke about it." "I've just sold them to Del and his consortium." "I don't care how much money he's got!" "I'm not getting excited." "All right." "I'll meet him." "I will explain the situation." "I'll call you." "Everything all right, Arnie?" "You know that client of mine I told you about?" " That Mr Stavros or whatever?" " Yeah." "He wants to meet me for lunch." " You mean he's come to pick up the chains?" " Yes." "Ironic, isn't it?" "He's got 25 grand in cash to give me and I've just let 'em go for £12,500." "What's all this about?" "Six months ago, Arnie made a deal on the chains with some international jeweller." " So they weren't yours to sell?" " No, they belong to me." "Mr Stavros never gave me any money for them." "But he's an odd sort of person." "Once we'd shaken on it, he thinks they're his property, and he's come to collect." " He's given to bouts of mindless violence." " Very nasty." "If he wants a war, we'll give him one." "Won't we?" "Eh?" "I don't like the sound of that." "Don't worry." "There won't be any naval engagements." "Why don't we just sell the chains back to Arnie, with a small profit?" " Are you off your trolley?" " We'll still be making a bit." "We can double our money on these!" "But Stavros is going to give Arnie a bad time." "I don't care if he redecorates Regent Street with Arnie!" "This is business." "I have sympathy for Arnie's predicament, but it's like Mike's pub grub - tough!" "I don't believe you." "You call yourself a businessman?" "You're missing the most important point." "There is a man who wants to buy 250 gold chains from Arnie." "He's willing to pay £25,000 with cash on the hip." "But Arnie doesn't have them any more." "We do." "So what are you saying?" "Blimey!" "Give me a piece of chalk!" "Why don't we ask Arnie to keep his appointment with this man and sell the chains for us?" "And we'll give Arnie two grand for his trouble." "So Stavros gets the goods at the agreed price." "Arnie gets a deuce in bunce plus he keeps his kneecaps where nature intended." "And we get £10,500 profit for doing sod-all." "Everyone's a winner." "Après moi love de luge!" " I like the sound of that, Del." " That's not a bad idea." "Now." "OK, then." "Arnie, where is this restaurant of yours?" "It's a little place off the King's Road." "I'd better get me skates on." "I think it would be a good idea if we came with you." "Yeah, he's right." "Don't walk across the estate on your own with a case full of gold." "Fair enough." "Let's get going." " Don't let him out of our sight." " Go on." "Come on, Albert." "Get in the van." "Come on, Cassandra, ring." "I ain't phoning you, if that's what you think!" "I'm a man." "May I help you, sir?" "I'm expecting to meet Mr Stavros." "Has he booked?" "Mr Stavros?" "Yes, he has booked, but he hasn't arrived yet." " Will you wait at the table?" " Yes." "Signore?" " Yes, gentlemen?" " A table for two, please." " Have you booked?" " No." " We are very crowded..." " This might make a bit of room." "Of course." "Grazie." "Enrico, numero due per i signori." " Grazie." " Thank you." "Why didn't you sit that side?" "I wouldn't be able to see Arnie." "Why?" "What's the matter?" "We're both sitting on the same side." "Sort of...next to each other." " So?" " So it might look a bit funny." " What d'you mean?" " People might think that we're a bit funny." "Why don't you sit on the other side?" " I want to keep my eye on Arnie." " So do I!" " It's my consortium." " I put most money in!" "It was my idea!" "Nice to see you again, sir." " Get your hand off." " Eh?" "People will think we're a couple of woofters." "They can think what they like!" "I've got seven grand sitting up there." " You reckon it'll turn violent in there?" " I don't care if it does." " No?" " No." "This is a fast car." " What's he doing, Rodney?" " You can see what he's doing!" "He's sitting in the window reading a menu." "It's a bit suspicious, innit?" "A bloke sitting in a restaurant reading a menu?" "Yeah, very iffy." "Could you get me a glass of water?" "I'm rather hot." " Would you care to order?" " Yes." "I'd like an ambulance." " An ambulance?" " Yes, an ambulance!" "I'm not very well." "Yes, sir." "Telefono per un ambulanza!" "Are you all right, sir?" " What's happened?" " He's had a connery!" " What are we gonna do?" " You have to pump their chest." " I mean our bloody money and chains!" " There's nothing we can do." "My money ain't going to no National Health hospital." "The entire kitchen staff'll be off to Miami!" " What are you gonna do?" " Watch." "Don't panic." "I am a doctor." "Stand aside." "Let the dog see the rabbit." "Oh, very nasty." "He needs an operation." "He's not a doctor." "He's mugging the poor man!" " Oi..." " You..." " Call the police." " Yes, madam." "All right." "There'll be no need." "I am an officer of the law." " They're taller than that!" " I'm a small town policeman." "D'you get the impression all is not going according to plan?" "OK, sunshine, you are nicked!" "Out you go!" "Rest assured, madam, we'll give him a bloody good hiding." "Come on, you!" "Out!" "(SIREN WAILS)" " What happened?" " Arnie's had a connery." " You mean he's dead?" " No." "The ambulance got here in time." " So where's the money and the gold?" " It's in Arnie's hold-all!" " Why'd you make us leave?" " They've called the Old Bill." "Arnie's got £7,000 of your unlaundered money and a case of gold from a VAT fraud." " Do you want to tell the police it's yours?" " Why didn't you get the case?" "You tried and got a punch on the nose for your trouble!" " D'you think I'm a wally?" " So how do we get it back?" "We'll go to the hospital and find out what time visiting hours are." "It'll be cushty." "We don't know which hospital they're taking him to." "We'll follow 'em." "Mike, your car's nippy." "You do it." "Right." "I don't believe it." "I've been clamped." "(SIREN WAILS)" "Rodney!" "Follow that ambulance!" "What a plonker!" " I'm gonna make a couple of phone calls." " Leave that phone alone, Mike." "I've just been clamped!" "I've got to sort it all out." "I'm expecting a phone call any minute from Rodney or Arnie or the hospital." " Sort your car out tomorrow." " What's good for a broken nose?" "A baseball bat, knuckleduster..." "I mean, my nose might be broken!" "Stop going on about your hooter or I'll ram this up it for a splint!" " What's happened?" " We followed it to St Stephen's Hospital." "Right." "Now we know where to visit." " No." "That's where we lost 'em." " You lost 'em?" "!" "It went straight down the Fulham Road." "Oh, Gordon Blue!" "How can you possibly lose an ambulance?" "!" "It's a ruddy great white thing with a flashing blue light on top!" "And it makes a sound like an air-raid siren!" "It also goes through red lights!" "So our money and our gold is lying in some matron's office!" "All right." "We'll phone every hospital and ask if he's there." " Hospitals won't tell you on the phone." " We'll drive round them, then!" "That'll take forever." "There must be 25 hospitals in London." "Thank God for the Tory Party or it could have been 30!" " (PHONE RINGS)" " Albert, answer that." "If it's Cassandra, tell her to phone back." "It doesn't matter how long it takes!" "Del, it's some Indian doctor from Arnie's ward." "I haven't got time to talk to him now... (ALL YELL)" "Hello, Doctor." "Yes, this is he." "Arnie?" "Yes." "Arnold." "Yes." "I knew the deceased very well." "We..." "Deceased?" "You mean he's dead?" "Oh, I love him." "I just love him." " Yes, it's come as a very nasty shock." " What about our loot?" "All right." "Doctor, I wondered..." "Arnie had a couple of little keepsakes of mine." "I wondered if you had found them." "What?" "250 18-carat gold chains and £12,500 in used notes." "His widow has taken all his belongings?" "I just wondered if you could give me her address." "Yes, I am a personal friend." "They moved recently and I wanted to find out about the funeral arrangements..." "I know you're not supposed to give out addresses, but this is different." "Doctor..." "I'll give you a good drink." "No..." "Don't hang up, Doc..." " He hung up." " Did he give you her address?" " He wouldn't." " How are we gonna find her?" "I don't know yet!" "I could go and find his name on the electoral register." "Well done." "Good thinking." " No, he only just moved from Lambeth." " You dipstick!" " All right." "I'll go to Lambeth Town Hall." " Good idea, Roddy." " Right." "Arnold what?" " Eh?" " What's his surname?" " I never caught his surname." " Does it matter?" " Of course it matters!" "They aren't gonna be on the electoral register as Arnie and Pat!" "This is something else!" "The One Eleven Club will have his address on his membership." " Yes!" " No, no." "He wasn't a member." "I've got an idea." " The phone." " My God, he's hearing things now." "Arnie was the last one to dial out on this phone." " He called his wife at their house." " So what?" "This phone's got a redial button." "It'll put you straight through to Arnie's house." " Get off!" " We've got him!" "How are we gonna explain it to her?" "We're laying claim to most of his estate." "Arnie told her that he'd sold the chains to Del, so there'll be no problem." "Shh!" "Hello." "Hello." "I'm awfully sorry to bother you in your hour of darkness, but I was a friend of Arnie's and I was just wondering..." "Sorry?" "Oh, sorry, sorry." "Sorry to have bothered you." "Bye." "Strange, innit?" "I've just got through to the Highcliff ruddy Hotel, Guernsey!" "I'm sorry, Del." "I called to see if Cassandra got there safely." "That's it, innit?" "We've done our money." "It's vanished into thin air!" "Boycie..." "I am going to buy myself a little doll that looks something like you... and then I'm going to burn it." "Boycie, keep your chin up." "I am going to get my car unclamped, Del." "Thanks for everything." "Michael, don't give up." "Please don't." "Remember what Churchill said - "Up the Alamo!"" "Sorry, Trig, that your Aunt Reen had to pawn her necklace." " Shall I give her a ring and explain?" " Don't do that, Del." "She doesn't know she's pawned it yet." "So how was it?" "The hotel was horrible, the weather lousy, the food rotten and the people boring." " Oh, good." " But some of them did hold an orgy." " You're kidding?" " No, honestly." "I stayed for an hour and then I got fed up." "Oh, no." "I hate this sort of thing." "What's the matter?" "You look like you've seen a ghost." "Done us in south-east London." "Rodney saw him in south-west London." " He's doing it all over town." " Yeah." "And in his condition too." "Gordon Bennett!" "No, Trig." "He's not a sick man." "He's a con man." "You don't reckon he's really ill?" "That's what I suspect." " All right, lads?" " Hi, Denzil." " Wanna drink?" " No, I'm all right." " I'm all right, too." " Can I join you?" "It's a bit awkward, actually." " We're in conference." " What?" " We're in conference." " I thought we was having a chat." "I haven't got long." "I'm off to Germany." "We'll be bringing a load back." "All right, Denzil." "Have a nice trip." "Are you ill or something?" "I said I was bringing a load back and you haven't asked what it is." "I'm a bit busy at the moment." "I'll talk to you later." " See you do." "I might have a deal for you." " All right, mate." " Boycie, got time for a chat?" " Some other time, Denzil." " Right." "Mike, can I have...?" " See the barmaid, Denzil." " Rodney, how's it going...?" " Bit tied up, Denzil." "Talk to you later." "Rodney, why are people ignoring me?" "There's just a bit of heavy stuff going down at the moment." "By the way, Denzil, this is Cassandra, my..." "Choose your words carefully." "My friend." "Cassandra, this is Denzil." " Nice to meet you." " You, too." "Right." "I'll leave you two to have a chat, then." "I thought that Arnie was a family man." "All he ever spoke of was his wife, Gary and Steven." "Yes." "But Gary and Steven are six foot tall and like to dress up as ambulance men!" "You mean it's their ambulance?" "No, it can't be, Del." "It was the staff that phoned for an ambulance." "And didn't it come quick?" "Yeah." "It was a bit lively." "I phoned that restaurant this afternoon." "They told me that ten minutes after Arnie's ambulance, another one turned up - the real one." "We reckon they could do it with split-second timing." "At one o'clock, Arnie does his dying swan act." "At three minutes past, his boys turn up and it's off into the wide blue yonder." "No one's going to question two medical orderlies carrying a sick man." "And no one can follow because..." "It goes through red lights." " You can pick old ambulances up anywhere." " It's beautiful, innit?" "Beautiful." "So what's Mr Stavros got to do with it all?" "Mr Stavros don't exist, Trig, does he?" "Arnie seemed to know him pretty well." "He invented him, didn't he, to get us.." "You see, when he..." "It doesn't get me my money back." "I'm still convalescing from open wallet surgery!" "Come on, Boycie." "All right." "Listen." "At least we know that Arnie and the dough are out there somewhere." "I've put the word about that I'm looking for some gold chains." " I'm off." "See you later." " See ya, Denzil." " Nice talking to you, Cassandra." " You, too." "Safe trip." "I bring this meeting to a conclusion." "Just keep your ears to the ground, right?" "Trig, that means listen out, not go on your hands and knees." "Come on, Rodney." "Sorry to leave you with a total stranger." "Even strangers can be fun." "I found that out in Guernsey." "Look at his face." "Looks as though he's sucked on a lemon!" "Anyway, Denzil's a nice bloke." "He left a message." "He heard you were interested in gold chains." "Not more gold-plated Mickey Mouse gear." " One of his brothers..." "Carl?" " Yeah." "Lives in Bethnal Green." "He met some guy in a casino - a retired jeweller   who's got 200 and..." " 50?" "Yes. 250 gold chains for sale, and Denzil and his brothers are buying them." " Where is Denzil?" " He just left." "Just left?" "Denzil!" "Don't buy them!" "Shout louder." "He's halfway to Germany!" "Denzil!" "Nichts buyen them!" " Can you see Dad?" " He's in position." " About four minutes." " Right." "This time you make the phone call." "I always have to pretend to be the doctor." " "Did you know the deceased well?"" " OK." "I'll do it." "(SOFT SITAR MUSIC PLAYS)" "I'm sorry." "I'm not feeling well." "Could you get me an ambulance?" "(SIREN WAILS)" "Wonderful!" "What's wrong, Arnie?" "You don't look well." " What's up?" " Ambulance come." "He gone." "Wotcher, fellas." " What's happening?" " Get in." "Take it easy." "I can explain everything." "We're not looking for explanations." " It's all very clear." " Let's have a chat." "Funnily enough, there was one or 12,500 things we wanted to talk to you about." " Try this, Del Boy." " Thank you, Doctor." "You don't need that." "I've got a key." "Who said anything about cutting the chain off?" "Calm down, Arnie." "Calm down." "You'll give yourself an heart attack." "# We've got some half-price cracked ice and miles and miles of carpet tiles" "# TVs, deep freeze and David Bowie LPs" "# Ball games, gold chains, what's-their-names and at a push" "# Some Trevor Francis tracksuits from a mush in Shepherd's Bush" "# Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush" "# No income tax, no VAT" "# No money back, no guarantee" "# Black or white, rich or broke" "# We'll cut prices at a stroke" "# God bless Hooky Street!" "# Viva Hooky Street!" "# Long live Hooky Street!" "# C'est magnifique, Hooky Street!" "# Magnifique, Hooky Street Hooky Street... #"