" Now, you have everything, B?" " I think so." "Yo." "Everybody up for Jeopardy!" "raise their hand and give me a dollar." "Sorry, ALF." "I'm Jeopardied out." "How about you, Kate?" "You must be over yesterday's trouncing by now." "I'm taking Brian to his Scout meeting." "But you haven't heard the new categories I thought up." ""Martian Tourist Traps, Girls Named Fred, Places You Itch."" "We're leaving." "Bye." "Say, hey, Willie Mays." "How about a fun-filled, fast-paced game of Jeopardy?" "You cheat." "William, I'm appalled." "I'm aghast." "You're a cheater." "I do not cheat." "I just memorize the answers in advance." "Not like I have a lot to do around here, you know." "I'm going out to the garage to work on my ham radio, and while I'm gone I'd appreciate it if you did not put any portion of this house in jeopardy double jeopardy, or final jeopardy." "What are you worried about, Willie?" "We hit your deductible $10,000 ago." "Goodbye." "Now entering our studio, a college freshman originally from Los Angeles, California." "Say hello to Lynn Tanner." "[WHEEZES]" "ALF, two weeks of that game is enough." "I'm going to aerobics." "All right, look, I'll give you an easy one." "He's the 3-foot-2-inch alien from an exploded planet who's currently bored to tears." "ALF." "Form of a question, please." "Need some help?" "No, I can do this myself, thanks." "Uh, uh, uh, uh-uh." " Do you mind?" " Hey, it's your radio." "Or should I say, your soon-to-be smoldering heap of electrical debris?" "[SCOFFS]" "All right, uh, what am I doing wrong here?" "No." "Far be it from me to come between a man and his hobby." "Well, could you far be it for me, please?" "But there's nothing good on TV and I've read all the books in the house and I know what's on the top shelf of every one of your closets." "You were quite the letter writer in your day, Sugarlips." "Stay out of my letters." " What are you trying to do here?" " Trying to upgrade the auto-monitor." " Why?" " So I can talk to Australia." "Does the word "telephone" ring a bell?" "That would defeat the purpose, ALF." "The whole idea of a ham radio is the challenge, the real challenge." "Man against machine." " Good old American know-how." " Right." "And you ain't gonna fix this, no how." "I'm retooling the monitors so that when I bump from satellite to transoceanic my Phelps switch doesn't alter frequency." "Well, is that all?" "All?" "I've been working on that for three months." "There." "That'll do it." "See you." "Oh, yeah, right." "Right." "MAN [OVER RADIO]:" "Hello?" "Anyone there?" " Hello?" "MAN:" "Good day, mate." "You're clear as a bell." "Over." "Yo, what's up, Scout?" "I'm working on my Bachelor Living badge." "Can I help?" "Do you know anything about bachelor living?" "Well, I've eaten cold pizza for breakfast and grown things in the fridge." ""The Bachelor Living badge is for basic homemaking skills for our fast-paced and changing culture."" "My last requirement is to prepare a balanced meal." "Is that it?" "On Melmac, to get a Bachelor Living badge they left you out in a field with only twigs and bark and you had a week to build a singles bar." "I'm gonna make Suggested Menu Number 3." "Turkey salad sandwiches, broccoli spears and cheddar cheese cubes." "Boring." "It has something from each of the four basic food groups." "So does Trevor's blue tie, but I wouldn't wanna eat it for lunch." "Are you gonna help me or not?" "Well, it's not as challenging as building a mirror ball out of dried leaves but it's better than nothing." "Here." "You can take care of the broccoli." "[HUMMING CONGA DANCE MUSIC]" "There." "I took care of it." "I don't know about this." "Well, actually, I do." "And I hate the whole idea." "But it's going to make you feel great." "I already feel great." "Go ahead." "Feel me." "You have no muscle tone." "I'll have you know my health club on Melmac once voted me Bod of the Month." " You went to a health club?" " Well, here you call it a bakery." "Come on." "No pain, no gain." "[AEROBIC MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS]" "Come on, ALF." "Go for the burn." "I'd rather go for the doughnuts." "Come on." "Time for leg lifts." "One, two, three, four, five." "How does that feel, ALF?" "[ALF SNORING]" "ALF?" " Hi." " Hi." "It's come to this, Kate." "What's that, ALF?" "I'm so bored, I'm interested in what you're doing." "What are you doing?" "Refinishing this bureau." "I think if you listen very carefully you can actually hear my interest wane." "Just be careful, that's wet." "[SCOFFS]" "You know, I think it's time for you to find a hobby." "Why don't you collect stamps?" "Great." "I can think about all the places they've been to that I can't go." "Perfect pastime for a shut-in." "Well, what about, uh, yoga?" "That sounds fairly quiet." "I was into yoga on Melmac." " Wanna hear my mantra?" " Sure." "Wow, I can really cross my legs and put my feet on top of my knees." "Boy, am I relaxed and limber." "I'm like the limberest thing you could think of." " That's how limber I am." "And I" " Maybe yoga is not such a great idea." "Then what am I supposed to do?" "I'm not cut out for aerobics, cubing cheese is no challenge and I already fixed Sugarlips' radio." "Face it, Kate." "I'm a man without a purpose." "Or a planet." "Or a middle finger, for that matter." "Well, I'm sure you'll find something interesting to do." "Eventually." "That's what I've been trying to...." "Stuck." "I surmised." "[SCREAMS]" "Sorry." "Furry hand print." "I see it." " Leaving now." " Good idea." "Well, what's your professional opinion?" "He's bored." "But you don't think there's any underlying psychological reason?" "Maybe boredom." " That's it?" " Well, he's a very intelligent being." " He needs to be challenged." " He needs to be muzzled." "He has the computer, I've bought him dozens of books, videotapes." "He has plenty to do." "The problem is he wants to be in the middle of whatever we're doing." "It's easy to forget, you know, that he's an adult." " He wants to be treated like one." " Well, so what do we do?" "Well, you could, uh, talk to him, tell him your feelings." "Ask for advice, his opinion, and...." "Do it at dinner." "It'll work wonders." " What if it doesn't?" " We'll have dessert." "Oh, look." "It's the gravy train." "Larry, you can sit right here." "Ah, thank you, thank you, thank you, Kate." "Wow, everything looks delicious." "KATE:" "Thank you." "Uh, well, uh, Willie, uh, how's life been treating you?" "Um, well, now that you mention it, there, uh" "There is a guy at work I've been having, uh, kind of a hard time with." "Oh, so tonight, we're dining and whining." "Uh, you wanna tell us about it, Willie?" "Well, he's, uh-- He's just really competitive, you know?" "He's, um" " He's always trying to beat my case load, uh, get a raise ahead of me uh, get promoted before I do." "I know that's not what social work is all about but I just can't help feeling pressured by this guy." "What do you think, ALF?" "Huh?" " Well, there's this guy at work" " I heard that part." "Well, what do you think?" "You're asking me?" "You've got a shrink right here." "Well, I really value your judgment." "You what my what?" "Dad wants your opinion." "Oh." "Well, Willie, if you must be competitive why don't you just compete with yourself?" "Not only will you feel better, you'll always win." "That's exactly what I would have said." " Really?" " Really." "You, a psychologist, would have given the same advice as I, a lay alien?" "That's right." "Kate." "Kate, uh, would you like some beets?" "Beets?" "Oh." "Oh, yes." "Uh-huh." "Um...." "Speaking of work, you know, I really love my job but whenever I'm there, I feel like I'm neglecting the baby." "And whenever I'm home here with Eric I feel like I'm not pulling my weight at work." "How do you feel about that, ALF?" "Me again?" "Yeah, I, uh" " I just wonder how you thought about that." "Well, did you go back to work after Lynn was born?" "Yeah, I did." "Well, see?" "She turned out just fine." "She's not a rooftop sniper or anything." " Thanks, ALF." " That's exactly what I would have said." "Wow." "Two for two." "Who's next?" "Um, I have a problem too." "I don't like math." "Neither do I." "Thanks." "I feel better now." "Hey, I'm on a roll." "Anything I can help you with, Lynn-digo?" "Sure." "Danny and I have been dating for over a year now, and I know he likes me but I just" " I still feel jealous when he talks to other girls." "I wish I knew what to do about that." "Well, my advice would be to talk it over with Danny." "Let him know how you feel, and I'm sure you'll be able to work things out." "You with me on this, Lar?" "Uh, that's exactly what I would have said." "Hey, this is great." "How much do you get paid for this kind of thing?" " What kind of thing?" " This, uh, advice shtick." "Well, actually, I get paid quite a lot." "Uh, why do you ask?" "Because I've found my true calling." "I'm going to be a shrink." "How does that make you feel?" " Willie?" " Yeah?" "When the wayfarer whistles in the dark, he may be disavowing his timidity but he does not see any the more clearly for doing so." "I beg your pardon?" "Freud said that." " You were clinking." " Clinking?" "You feel you haven't made a significant mark on the world so you compensate by unconsciously asserting your presence in situations where you feel anonymous." "What are you reading?" "It's a therapy book." "Larry loaned it to me." " I'm a shrink now, remember?" " Oh, right." "Willie, if this interests ALF, we should be supportive." "And very grateful." "Right." "Uh, maybe you've got a point." "I'll, uh...." "In the future, I'll refrain from clinking." "You'll be the better for it." "These eggs are a little bit dry." "I'm sorry." "I always do that." "Kate, Kate, Kate." "You're expanding one tiny failure into a self-defeating behavior pattern." "What?" "It's called overgeneralization." "You convince yourself that you can never cook eggs right and then you can't cook eggs right." "I have a headache." " Morning." " Morning, Brian." "Hey, B." "Have you ever dreamed you were being chased by a giant cheese log?" "No." "Then I'll only need to see you five times a week." "Ha." "It says in this article that babies sometimes remember things that happened when they were still in the womb." " Really?" " Yeah." "I wonder if Eric will remember how things were around here before he was born." "Carl Jung was a big weenie head." "With any luck, he'll forget his first five years entirely." "I'm preparing a paper for the American Psychological Association that proves Jung's theorems were based on faulty logic and misinterpreted data." "How do you spell:" "Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah?" "ALF, it's not that we don't appreciate your attempts to over-analyze every" "To, uh, help us with our problems, but" "Speaking of problems, we've got to do something about Brian." "What's wrong with Brian?" "[HISSES]" "He's been experiencing a lot of negative stroking from Kate lately and it's affecting his sense of okay-ness." "All right, okay." "Oh, this has gone far enough." " Now, now, honey" " No, no, it's all right." "It's good to ventilate." "I am not ventilating." "I am talking." "I resent the implication that I am having a negative effect on my son's okay-ness." " Furthermore" " How long have you had..." " ...this persecution complex?" " ALF." "I was talking to your wife." "Now, we ought to take a look at your ego boundaries, Willie." "I give up." "I give up." "You're relinquishing your resistance." "Good." "Now we can make some real progress." "And you are spouting a lot of psychological clichés you don't even understand." "Why so hostile, Willie?" "I'm okay, you're okay." "This must stop." "That's right." "A quick primal scream." "Let it fly." "Then I'll Rolf you." "You cannot keep aggravating people like this." "Why do you hate your mother?" "And he's just gotten completely carried away with this therapy thing." "Well, you know ALF." "He gets carried away with everything he does." "What motivated you to let it go this far?" "Oh, stop it, Larry." "I've had enough of this all week." " Just fix it." " Yeah." "You know what they say." "A little knowledge is a dangerous thing." "In ALF's hands, foam rubber is a dangerous thing." " Do you think you can help?" " Trust me." "I'm a professional." "The last time someone said that to me, I ended up with purple hair." " Dinner smells great, Mom." " You worked in all the food groups too." "I had planned to serve steaks." "I forgot to take them out of the freezer." " So at the last minute, I" " Kate, Kate, Kate." "I think we're overcompensating, aren't we?" "Excuse me?" "You're apologizing for the food in order to disguise your feelings of insecurity around Larry." " Right, Lar?" " No, she's not doing that at all." "You're projecting your feelings about me onto Kate." "Are you challenging my autonomy?" "Well, you're the one that set yourself up as the resident psychology expert." "I mean, it's only natural that you'd be threatened by me." "Who's threatened?" "I'm coming from a very secure place." "Ah, picking up some hostilities here." "Can't we just have a simple dialogue between our adult ego states?" "Well, you're discounting an emotion you're not prepared to confront." "And you're judging my reactions with an unfair cultural bias." "I think this is just another temporary obsession to draw attention to yourself." "Hey." "That wasn't nice." "It's not so much fun being on the receiving end of the couch, is it, ALF?" "Oh, come on." "I don't sound like him." " Do I?" " Yeah." " Yep." " Sure do." "Yeah." "Wow." "You're really annoying." "[SCOFFS]" "Well, I've been at it a long time." "Now I know what Jung meant when he said:" ""The growth of the mind is the widening of the range of consciousness and each step forward has been a most painful and laborious achievement."" "That's very insightful." "Personally, I always thought Karl Jung was a big weenie head." "WOMAN [ON RADIO]:" "And I know he really does love me but he just doesn't show it at all anymore." "Should I talk to a divorce lawyer?" "MAN [ON RADIO]:" "I've seen a lot of divorce cases that could've been avoided if the couple had seen a marriage counselor." "So I really suggest that you try to work things out first." "Let's take our next caller." "Uh, welcome to Let's Talk Legal." "ALF [ON RADIO]:" "I specialize in family law." "That lady should sue the bum for all he's worth." "She'll clean up on community property and she can get enough property to start her own community." "Ha!" "You check the garage." "I'll cut the phone lines." "ALF:" "I'm working with a couple right now." "Your typical domestic tragedy waiting to happen." "The guy should have dumped his battle ax years ago." "I mean, talk about tempers." "Oh, hi, Kate." "Hey!" "[PHONE DISCONNECTS]" "MAN:" "Hello?" "Hello?" "You're on the air." "Let's take our next caller." "[ENGLISH" " US" " SDH]"