"Kandi, Kandi, listen to me." "Our divorce does not have to be adversarial." "Bet she won't know that word." "No, not ads for cereal." " Told you." " Do you know it?" "That wasn't the bet." "Oh, come on, you're being very unfair." "I love Chester as much as you do." "Oh." "Oh, really?" "Then maybe you can explain to me why I'm the one who feeds Chester, gives Chester tick baths and cleans up when Chester piddles on the rug." "When did you change your name to Chester?" "It's not just me." "Jake loves that dog too." "No, I don't." "He slobbers and he threw up in my shoe." "I had a date like that once." "You think it would've slowed me down, but no." "All right." "Can I at least talk to him?" "My father talks to dogs and they send me to a psychologist." "Hello, Chester?" "It's Daddy." "Who's a good boy?" "You're a good boy." "Yes, you are." "Yes, you are." "Yes, you" " Kandi, I wasn't finished." "Yeah, well, I have rights here." "And I intend to pursue those rights with all the means at my disposal." "Yeah." "Well, okay." "Okay." "Goodbye." " Alan?" " Yeah?" "Who's a moron?" "You're a moron." "Yes, you are." "Yes, you are." "Well, it may be funny to you, but that dog means a lot to me." " This about the dog or is it about Kandi?" " It's about the dog." "I mean, we bought a condo." "She's keeping it." "We bought a car." "She's keeping it." "What do I get to keep?" "Certainly not your dignity." "Okay, let's look at the big picture." "You're a middle-aged guy who married a stupid woman half his age for no other reason than the sex was great." "You with me so far?" " Yeah." " Good." "Then you ran out of money, she got bored and threw you out." " What's your point?" " Why does everything need a point?" "Why can't I just make fun of you?" "I want my dog, Charlie." "There will be other dogs." "Not in my house." "Just remember, the worst thing you can do is fight over who gets what." " The trick is to give her everything." " Everything?" "Whatever she wants." "When all is said and done you'll get the thing that matters most." "The thing you can't put a price on." " My dignity?" " Oh, stop it." "That ship has sailed." "No, no, no, the thing you get is freedom." "The opportunity to start over." "Maybe a little sadder, but a whole lot wiser." "The next time you meet a woman- And trust me, you will." " you'll have a real shot at true and lasting happiness." "I want my dog." "Well, good luck with that because I was lying about the other stuff." "Why don't we share custody of Chester?" "You know, you get one week and I get one week." "It doesn't make any difference." "Dog weeks and people weeks are the same thing." "Hey, Dad, how come you don't give me an allowance?" "Your mother gives you an allowance." "I'm trying to be fair." "Speaking of fair, it doesn't seem fair that Mom has to pay me and you don't." "Hang on, Kandi." "Let me explain something to you." "Every cent your mother has comes from me." "So when she gives you allowance, it's me giving you allowance." "I don't need to know how it works." "I just need more money." "Take a number." " Sorry, go ahead." " Six." " Morning." " Morning." "If Chester's gonna live anywhere full time I don't see why it shouldn't be here." "I do." "I see why." "When he split with your mother, did they fight over your custody?" "They still do."You take him." "No, you take him."" "Okay." "Okay." "Okay, fine." "You want this to get ugly?" "You wanna play hardball?" "I will play hardball." "How come you don't give me an allowance?" "What are you, drunk?" "Well" " Yeah, well, I am gonna get a lawyer." "I'm gonna take you to court, yeah, and then we'll just see who gets Chester." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Well, have your lawyer call my lawyer." "You know a lawyer?" "Oh." " Hi." " What do you want, Alan?" "Uh, oh, okay, right to it, huh?" "Uh, well, as you know, Kandi and I are splitting up." "Yeah, quelle surprise." "Uh..." "Anyhoo, I'm gonna need a good lawyer and I thought, you know, who better than the rabid jackal who ripped my lungs out in my first divorce?" "You want my lawyer?" "Well, I certainly don't want mine." "Gee, I'm sorry, but I can't give him to you." " Why not?" " Because I already gave him to Kandi." "You're joking, right?" "No, I'm smiling, but I'm not joking." "Why would you do that?" "I don't know." "Kicks." "Oh, Judith, when did you start hating me so much?" "Well, let's see." "I disliked you when we were married." "I resented you when we divorced." "But I don't think I hated you until you started having sex with that gorgeous 22-year-old dumbbell." " Okay, well, thanks for clearing that up." " Okay, bye-bye." "Look, if you really wanna make some extra cash we can find some chores for you to do." "Oh, yeah, there's big money in that." "What kind of chores?" "Well, let's see." "You could take out the garbage, sweep up the garage, wash my car." "No, none of those sound good." "Tell you what." "I'll give you 10 bucks if you can eat this entire tub of ice cream in less than 20 minutes." " Okay." " Charlie, that'll shoot out of him like Ben  Jerry on rocket skates." "Here." "Eat these instead." "By the time they get through you, it will be your mother's problem." " All of them in 20 minutes, right?" " Yep." "Then can I have the ice cream?" "Uh-oh." "Alan, you should've called." "I didn't feel like calling." "I wanna see my dog." "Well, maybe he doesn't wanna see you." " Why don't we let him decide?" " No, he's been through enough." "Oh, really?" "Did he tell you that?" "How could he tell me anything?" "You know as well as I do that he keeps everything bottled up." " Damn it, Kandi, I wanna see my" " Don't you yell at me." "If you have anything to say, say it to my lawyer." "Maybe I will." "Honey, Alan has something he wants to say to you." "Hey, Alan." "What's up?" "It's you." "The jackal." "Oh, that hurts." "Ahem." "Listen, as long as you're here, is your billing address still the same?" "Uh-huh." "Great." "Well, I guess I'll see you in court." "Oh." "And don't worry." "I'm not gonna bill you for this consultation." "There's nothing legal going on here." "Un-freaking-believable." "It's like watching a pot-smoking monkey." " Ten dollars, please." " Serves me right betting against a kid who can eat a Happy Meal, toys and all." "Thank you." " What are you doing?" " You taught me always do my own count." "Yeah, but you can trust me." "Seven, eight, nine?" "It was an honest mistake." "I'm sure." "So, what are you gonna do with your winnings?" " It's a secret." " So it's a girl." " How did you know?" " I didn't." "Then it isn't." "Come on." "Tell me about her." "Maybe I can help." "I don't think so." "Are you kidding?" "Who knows more about girls than your Uncle Charlie?" "Warren Beatty, Bill Clinton, Rosie O'Donnell." "Why should I talk to you?" "You've messed up every relationship you've ever been in." "Well, yeah" " So you're not exactly a good example." " I get it." "If I were old enough to have one-night stands" "All right, you've made your point." " So don't talk to me." "Okay." " I won't." " Okay." " Good." " Will you drive me to the mall?" " Why?" " It's private." " So is my car." "All right, I wanna buy a present." " For?" " It's a secret." " I'll throw in another 10." " Wendy Cho." "Aha." "A present for Wendy Cho." "Now, is this an offering to grease the wheels or a parting gift for the wheels having already been greased?" "Grease the wheels?" "See, that's why I don't talk to you about this stuff." "Well, he may be as dull as a butter knife but you got to admit, he's a good judge of character." "Are you sure it doesn't have anything to do with sex?" " Positive." " Huh." "Sure sounds like it." "Subpoenas." "Hang in there, Chester." "Daddy's coming." "Oh, please, please, please." "Yes, she didn't change the lock." "But that's new." "I like those." "Skull earrings?" "Yeah, they're silver and they got ruby eyes." "Okay, first of all, for 11.95 those aren't rubies." " You don't know that." " Oh, but I do." "And second, girls like Wendy Cho don't wear skull earrings." "How do you know?" "She gets straight A's, right?" "She plays violin?" " She's also the captain of the math team." " Exactly." " So you see my point?" " Oh, okay." "How about that skull belt buckle?" "No skulls." "Just out of curiosity, does this Wendy Cho hate her parents?" "I don't think so." "Why?" "Just trying to get a handle on the relationship." "She says she likes me because I'm unpretentious." " Do you know what that means?" " It means she likes me." "Yeah, okay." "So, what do you want this gift to say?" "Uh..." "Happy birthday?" "A birthday card says "happy birthday."" "What are you trying to tell her by giving her jewelry?" "I don't know." "I guess that I love her." "What?" "Nothing." "That's terrific." "Because you don't love any girl, doesn't mean I shouldn't." "Excuse me, but I have loved many girls and many girls have loved me." "That's not love." "It's just sex." "I'm sorry, I'm not following you." "If you died tomorrow, how many girls would come to your funeral?" "A lot of them." "Granted, a few might show up just to make sure I'm really dead but I feel confident that the overall tone of the event would be one of sadness." " If you say so." " Yeah, I say so." " Now let's get out of here." " I haven't picked out a gift yet." "Then get her the stupid skull earrings." " But you said she wouldn't like them." " What do I know?" "Nobody loves me." "Nobody's coming to my funeral." "Whoa, where did that come from?" "Here, what about this gold heart necklace?" "It's kind of expensive." "You want the best, Jake, you pay for it." "Yeah, but $39?" "I mean, I love her and everything..." "If it means we can get out of here quicker, I'll front you the difference." " I don't know." " You don't know?" "I'm offering you a deal." "Yeah, but you always say if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is." "All right, how about if I pay for the whole thing?" "That sounds even better." "So no." "Come on, brainiac." "What do I have to do for you?" "Just promise to be sad at my funeral." " Do I have to cry?" " No." "Will there be food?" " Yes." " Can I bring a date?" " You're just screwing with me now, right?" " How does it feel?" "Still early." "Wanna go shoot some hoops?" "No, I'm gonna go call Wendy Cho." "Hey, bros before Chos." ""Thanks for the ride to the mall, Uncle Charlie." "Thanks for buying me the necklace, Uncle Charlie." "Thanks for not slugging me when I started mouthing off about your funeral, Uncle Charlie."" "Aah!" "Chester" "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "Calm down." "Easy, boy." "Charlie, what did you do to him?" "What did I do to him?" "I practically crapped my pants is what I did to him." "What the hell is that?" "This is Chester." "Isn't he cute?" "Yes, you are." " Yes, you are." "Yes" " He's not staying here, Alan." "With all due respect, that's what you said about me." "That's because no kennel in town would take you." "Oh, come on, look at him." " How can you not love this face?" " Easy." "I know where he puts it." " Now take him back to Kandi's." " I can't." " Why not?" " It's kind of complicated." " Then simplify it." " Okay, well, um I stole him." "Oh, Alan, I may think with my penis but at least I think." "You won't have to do anything." "I'll feed him, I'll walk him." "Walk him?" "You could hitch a wagon to him and settle the West." "No dogs in my house." "Especially stolen dogs who are big enough to make me their bitch." "Whoa, what the hell is that?" "That is leaving." "Please." "My entire life, Chester is the only thing I ever slept with that didn't sue me for alimony." "How long you think you're gonna get away with this?" "I was very careful." "I left the door open so that when Kandi comes home she'll think she left it open and Chester ran away." "She'll never dream of looking for him here." "Probably." "Just in case, hide Chester." "How am I supposed to hide him?" "Sit under him with a pail and pretend he's a cow." " Coming." "Charlie, please." " Oh, man." "Come on, Bullwinkle." "Alan Harper?" "Yes." "Yes." "How can I help you?" "We're investigating a stolen-dog report." "A dog?" "Your ex-wife's dog." "Chester?" "Somebody stole Chester?" "She seems to think you might know his whereabouts." "Oh, gosh, um, I'm sorry." "I have no idea." "Uh" " Oh, although, you know, what could've happened um, she could have left the door open" "She's absent-minded." " uh, and the dog got away." "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "Hey." "Oh, look who's finally off the phone." "Yeah." "When are you gonna give Wendy Cho the necklace?" "I'm not." "What happened?" "You chicken out?" "No." "I don't believe it." "You dragged my ass all the way down to the mall I pony up 40 bucks for the necklace, and you chicken out." "She just dumped me, you old turd." "Oh." "Well, you could've told me that before I started being a turd." "I'm only 12." "I need a time machine." "Ah, dude, I am really sorry." "What happened?" "She decided she has a problem with mixed relationships." "What?" "Chinese and Caucasian?" "Gifted and remedial." "Oh." "Yeah, well, I'm done with relationships." "From now on, I'm gonna be like you." "Why would you wanna be like me?" "Because you never fall in love with anybody, so you never get hurt." "Okay, listen to me." "Being hurt sucks but love is the most beautiful and noble of human emotions." "It's what gives a man hope." "It's what gives his life meaning." "Don't turn your back on love, Jake." "I did and I regret it every day." " Really?" " May God strike me down if I'm lying." "All right, the game's over." "Let's go." "Where are we going?" "Might as well bail your dad out of jail." "Can we get something to eat first?" "Sure, why not." "How long before Kandi and her lawyer come back from Mexico?" "Three more days." "Oh, God, what are you feeding that dog?" "It's not the dog." "Smells a little like banana bread."