"Mister Christian, mister Christian!" "Mister Christian." "Believe me, have you got the wrong fellow!" "Anyway, he says to me, he says..." ""What about that?" "What about what?", he says, "Oh."." "I says, "What do you mean, "Oh."?"." "He says, "Oh." "That's all, I said, oh."." "I says "What did you mean by that?" you see." "He says "Well what did you then?" I said, "As a matter of fact, yes I did.", I said, "Yes I did."." " Did you?" " Yes, I did." "Anyway, so he says to me, he says "Supposing I did, what of it, then?"" " And I says, "Nothing.", I says..." " Yes." "Really." "Anyway, the upshot of it was..." "Good heavens, is that the time, it is half past two in the morning." "We mustn't keep you waiting any longer Mr. Lotterby." "It was very nice of you to come round and chat to us yesterday lunchtime..." "Well I mean if you can't welcome newcomers to the neighbourhood..." "But surely you're tired, I mean surely you've got something else to do?" " No, unless of course I'm boring you." " Oh no." "I mean if I'm boring you, you just have to say, "Oh Sid, you're boring us."." "A nod's as good as a wink." "Just say "you're boring me", I'll understand." "Just say "you're boring me"" " I mean if I'm boring you, I'll go." " No, no, you're not boring us." " Oh good." "Now, where was I then?" " You had just arrived at the upshot." " Ah yes." " Well, to cut a long story short..." " Only I have to get up at 7 AM." "Oh that is early, I lay in bed till about 12 meself, anyway..." "So he turned to me and he..." " Excuse me!" "I can see I'm going to get on very well with your husband, lovely chap, he took to me immediately, I could tell that when I arrived yesterday morning." "Yes, I always got on very well with the previous occupants of this house, they took to me immediately too, just like you have." "I used to sit here with them chatting for hours and hours and hours," "Hours and hours and hours and hours," "Hours and hours and hours and hours..." "Sometimes I'd sit here chatting with them all night long." "Hours and hours we'd sit here chatting." "They was a lovely couple, great sense of humour." "What a lovely sense of humour." "Loved practical jokes." "Sometimes when I used to come round, they used to pretend they wasn't it." "And I could hear them whispering through the keyhole you see." "I'd knock on the door till they answered it." "Sometimes I banged for hours, bang bang bang till they answered the door." "Good heavens, another day gone." "Yes." "Every time I came around there was something new." "They'd throw scalding hot water all over me, or electrify the door knobs." " Lovely sense of humour they had." " Weren't you ever put off?" "Sometimes he pretended to froth at the mouth and come at me with a hit poker." "I still got the scars, lovely sense of humour." "After that he'd become rather quiet and took to his bed." "He'd just lie there in the dark, muttering to himself, and hitting the pillow, just like you're doing." "He used to think, you know, he was haunted by goats, he used to say:" ""Why doesn't that stupid old goat leave me alone?"" "That was after his wife left him." "His wife left him, she went off in a van with two fellows." "She was all happy, her eyes rolling about, laughing hysterically, just like you're doing now." "After that, he pined, you know, so I took to keeping him company." "I never spared meself." "I was with him 24 hours a day." "Telling him riddles, telling him jokes, playing the kazoo to him." " You are a raving maniac." " Oh yes." "I've listened to your drivel for 36 hours." " Oh what a great..." " You're a blithering idiot." "What a sense of humour he's got!" "I have never hated anyone in my life as much as I hate you." "You've got to laugh, don't you!" " Come on, darling." " Where?" "We're going to spend the night in a hotel." "Oh, spend the night in a hotel, oh, you have to laugh!" " Come on in, mother, it worked." " Okay." "I say, it's not much, but it will do for the night." "It will do, yes, but it is no Buckingham Palace." "Now wait a minute, there is an idea." "In the quiet Surrey hills, not 10 miles from Dorking, stands Pine Tops." "On the outside it looks like any well run country club." "These are clothists, men and women from every walk of life who believe in the freedom and beauty of the clothed body." "We became clothists last year." "At first we were a little embarassed." "But everybody here was so friendly, we soon felt completely normal." "Security at Pine Tops is strict, but despite thick hedges and high fences, the clothists are never entirely free from peeping toms." "Clothists feel no guilt." "And without hidden camera's we can really observe them exalting in the simple fact that they wear clothes." "They behave perfectly normally." "Yes, they believe in letting clothes breathe here at Pine Tops." "They don't think they should be kept shut up in dark wardrobes all day." "Mr. Phillips the game organiser told us to him, clothism was a way of life." "Most certainly." "We believe that clothes are perfectly natural, and there's nothing embarassing or degrading about being seen in a suit." "I mean, after all, God gave men beautiful clothes, and we shouldn't be ashamed of them." "Many devotees don't just wear clothes in summer, they wear them all the year." "People think we're cracks but you'd be surprised just how warm clothes can be." "To us it may seem like an eccentric indulgence, but to clothists, wearing clothes is more than that, it is a way of life." "The most difficult time is when they return to normal every day existance." "But for those who are left, the idyllic life of Pine Tops goes on." "Clothes as nature intended." "He has got it under control, down on left wing, he puts a high ball across the keeper, clear, catches it, throws up, and Proset has whipped McConkers feet from under him." "That's the 20th faul from Prosset this afternoon, and the referee is going to take Prosset's name." "Alright, come here." "Come here." "I'm taking your name." " It was an accident sir." " I'm taking your name." "What is it?" " Proset, sir." " Proset?" " Yes sir." "Not one of the Leistershire Prosets?" "No, I was born in Luton, sir." " In Luton." " Yes." " Do you know Ganderbody Street?" " Know it?" "I was born there sir, number 15, wasn't I." "15?" "Tell me." "Is your mother a tall blonde buxom woman who used to be barmaid at the Gravedigger's Arms?" " Yes, that's right." " Edna Proset's boy!" "Let me look at you." "Oh, Edna Proset's boy!" "What's the matter?" "It's like this you see." "When I was a young linesman, I used to run the line at Luton." "One night after the match, we all went to a pub and after the pub closed, well, the barmaid and me, we, we..." "Well I mean what is there to do in Luton?" "I never went back, and afterwards I heared." "I sent money, of course, but..." "What are you trying to tell me then?" "Edwin, I'm your dada." "Can you ever forgive the wrong I've done?" "Dad, this is embarassing, there's 60,000 people watching!" "I don't care, let them watch!" "I found my son, I found my son!" "All those wasted years." "we'll never be parted again." "What about my leg, it's broken?" "I've got my duty to do." "Right, I'm booking you for provocation, McConker." "Come in, come in." "Ah, Thompson, nice to see you boy!" "Come in." " Thank you very much, sir." " Yes." "Time we had a little chat..." "Don't sit on the floor, Thompson, sit in the chair." "Thank you very much sir." " How are you then, Thompson?" " Fine, thank you, sir." " Bowels is alright, are they?" " Yes I think so." " You're looking well." "Looking well." " Thank you sir." "I was talking to Mr. Evans again this morning about your Latin verse." "Prose is alright, but verse is a bit weak." " I'm very sorry sir." " You'll have to work at it Thompson, it's very important." " Yes, sir." "Thompson, have you been, as it were, shot?" " Just a bit sir." " I see." "I thought you looked a bit picky around the eyes." "Who did it, Thompson, who did it?" "Was it a boy?" " Yes sir." " Well, what was his name?" "Come on." " Out with it, out with it." " I'd rather not say sir." "Come on." "You know I have to know." "It's against the rules to shoot each other." " I shall have to confiscate that gun." " I'm afraid I can't say sir." "Jolly good Thompson, not sneaking like that." " Thank you sir." " You realise I'll have to thrash you for not telling me." "Bend over then." "About this bullet wound of yours, Thompson," "Will you be fit to play against St. John's tomorrow?" "Only they beat us by six wickets last year you know." "I won't be able to bowl, sir, my arm's shattered." " Damn." "Oh well have to drop you then." " Sorry, sir." "I thought I might play young Jenkins and move Parter up to open the batting." "Wouldn't it be better to bring in Podmore and put Gardner at number 4?" "Good idea, Thompson." " Right, that's it then." " Thank you very much sir." "About the shooting, mustn't tell your parents, give the school a bad name." " They're bound to find out sir." " Nonsense, they never heared about the 4th form massacre!" "Now, you go off and see matron, yes?" "Nonono, by the back stairs boy, bad form to bleed in public." " Sorry, sir." " Yes, off you go then." "Keep the noise down!" "Get on with your preps!" "Tonight, I'm going to sing a very beautiful musical setting" "of the HP sauce label, in French." "A little song entitled, "La sauce HP"." "# Cette sauce" "# De haute qualité" "# Est un mélange" "# De fruits orientaux" "# D'épices" "# Et de vinaigre" "# De malt" "# Elle est absolument pure" "# Et ne contient" "# Aucune matière" "# Colorante" "# Synthétique" "# Ni aucun agent de conservation artificiel" "# La sauce HP" "# Est appétissante" "# Et délicieuse" "# Avec viandes" "# Chaudes et froides" "# Poisson, jambon" "# Salades et fromages" "# Elle est également" "# Excellente" "# Pour enrichir la saveur des soupes" "# Hachis" "# Et" "# Ragoûts" "# La sauce HP #" "And here we are gents." "And what am I bid for this lot no. 23 in the catalog" ""Fat tart having a kip."" "Or, as it is described in the catalog, "Reclining Nude after Watteau."" "Looks like it is all." "Now what am I bid ladies and gentlemen, what am I bid." "Twenty!" "Sold to the darkie with the window in his eye, give him a ballpoint pen." "Compliments of the house." "Right." "Lot 24 now." ""Old, bent looking midget groping bird."" "Make an offer." " What, son?" " Thirty." "Sold to the friend with the flash shirt with the blue wrist." "Next." "Here we are, lot 25, "Dead wog in matching case."" "Any more bids?" "Come on!" "I'm asking 40 000, 30 000, 20 000" " Who says 20 000?" " I!" "Sold to the geezer with the beard and an orchid." "And now we come to the major item of the day sale, lot 26." "The entire United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland." "Severely modernized but with outstanding period features." "More than 200 inhabited islands, totalling 94,212 square miles," "With optional extras, Swaziland, Egypt, the Bigwood Island," "Gibraltar, the Falklands, and Hong Kong." "The UK comes complete with a staff of 26 million and 29 million dependants." "This is what you'll be getting, show them a sample Bert." "Here we are." "Some of the staff, some of the dependants." "Yes, they're quite a mixed bag." "There we are, there we are." "Something there for every taste." "Amenities and about amenities:" "There's 151 000 public houses and fish and chips shops, 40 000 schools" "50 million TV sets, 200 theaters, 59 prisons, 151 mental hospitals." "Includes over 30 million barrels of beer 27500 new books" "205 tons of jam, 12 oil tankers and enough baked beans, to blow us all to kingdom come." "The whole is for sale, ladies and gentlemen, freehold to meet the United Kingdom debts of" "4967 million pounds or near offer." "And what am I bid?" " Ich." "Sold to the German gentleman with the duelling scar." "Your name sir?" " Krupp." " Herr Krupp." "Who said they didn't win the war?" "Yes, lord Hill." "No, lord Hill." "Certainly your lordship, three times a day." "And your bowels, your lordship." "Good night." "Farquhar Arbuthnot is here to see you, sir." " Farquhar Arbuthnot." " Yes." " Send him in." " Yes." "Mr. Ramsden will see you now." "Sorry, love, me hand slipped." "I put out me hand, she fell against it sir." "Sit down, Farquhar Arbuthnot." " Farquhar Arbuthnot." " Yes." "How long have you been with the BBC?" "Oh,six, seven, ten days now, sir." "I'm afraid your appointment as an announcer isn't working out." "Sir has there been like a complaint then, sir?" "To be precise, 5274 complaints, and they are still coming in." "You read last night's news I believe?" "I didn't like actually read it, reading is not me strongpoint, is it, sir?" "I sort of made it up in the pub at lunchtime." " You made it up?" " Yes." "Why did you inform 12 million viewers that Enoch Powell was having an affair with Winifred Atwell?" "Well, I'll tell you, sir," "I thought, like, there was enough bad feeling in the world, sir," "I was like, trying to cement race relations, weren't I sir?" " But it is totally without foundation!" " Sir," "I never was discrete, was I, I mean I was discrete," "I never actually said I saw..." " I know exactly what you said," "I have a transcript here." "This is all pure conjecture, except for what you said Zsa Zsa Gabor and the Pope." "That's not conjecture, that's total impossibility." "This man told me, sir, there was..." "Did this man in the pub tell you this ludicrous story about President Nixon?" "Ah no sir, I made that up out of me own head, didn't I, sir?" "But you can tell, can't you, by the way he walks." "the way he smiles, I've been in the army sir, I've seen them sir." "Even at Spiro, sir, I've seen 'em." "President Nixon's private life is his own concern." "That's what I said, innit sir, his private life's his own concern." "I told the viewers, I said, "His private life's his own concern." "as long as he keeps his hands to hisself!"" " That's what I said." " The viewers want facts." "I give 'em facts, sir, I told 'em facts." "They aren't interested in what happened between you and a mrs." "Boggis in the backrow of the Essoldo cinema in Margate." " Well that's true, sir, that's true." " It may be true, it is not news." "It was to her husband when he come home..." "Apart from the content, what upset people is the way you express yourself" "Take last night's news, the first item." ""Arab leaders express concern."" "And what did you say?" "I, I don't remember..." " Oh, yes you do." " I said..." " Come on, out with it man." " I said..." "Speak up." "Speak up." "I said, "The wogs's got the wings up."" "You followed that... with a report on the Royal Command Film Performance which thank heaven was incomprehensible." "All I said was, "Here's some film of the royal jam jar..."" " "Jam jar."" " Car." ""Pulling up outside the pictures."" ""Here she comes, here comes old Liz, done up like a dog's diner, she looks a right darling.", I said." ""About 50 000 quid worth of jewelry dangling round her Gregory Peck."" "That's what I said sir." "Then I said, I said "Here comes the royal spouse, lurking about behind, his German bands flapping away behind his jacket."" " That's what I said sir." " Yes." "I can't help but feel you missed a little of the majesty of the occasion." "I mean, would Richard Baker have said that?" "'Course he wouldn't." "Would Robert Dougal have said that?" " Would Michael Aspel have..." " Aha!" "Yes, he may well have said it which is why he's now on Crackerjack." "But what is to become of you, Farquhar Arbuthnot?" "Yes, well, I thought, like..." "I could go back on the weather forecast couldn't I?" " Not after the last time you couldn't." " Well all I done..." "I know what you done... did!" "I'd like to remind you the expression is "inclement weather"." "We can leave remarks like "Winter draws on", or "brass monkeys" to Dick Henry." "In addition to which the official Air Ministry phrase is "heavy showers"." " Heavy showers." " And no "It's going to..."." "Please don't remind me." " Sorry," "I was trying to be like, colloquial." " And you succeeded only too..." "I will gloss over your appearances on Point Of View and The Epilogue." "Suffice it to say that in the first instance, a party of housewives from Ruislip tarred and feathered Lord Hill." "Oh well some good come out of it?" "In the second instance, the Archbishop of Canterbury is becoming a Buddhist." "Oh he's no loss sir..." "I suppose that means I got the..." "Got the boot then, have I?" "No, no." "You are lazy, ignorant, ill informed, an out and out misfit." " Yes sir." "But if I sack you, you'll just go get a job as program controller for ITA." "No, we at the Corporation are humane." "We have a place for people like you." "Oh no, sir, don't send me to that place sir!" "I've heard of that place sir!" "No please don't send me there!" "I'll end up like all the others sir, a shambling wreck sir, human wreck among all that flotsam sir, don't send me there!" "I'm sorry Farquhar Arbuthnot, but as of Monday, you take over Panorama." "Oh, my God!" "And may God have mercy on your soul." "Are you over 18, 4 O-levels, unmarried, tired of a humdrum deadend job?" "Yes?" "Have you considered a career in the regular clergy?" "It's a man's life in the regular clergy." "Fred's a bishop and he's only 29." "See this world, and the next, in the regular clergy." "The Archbishop wants you." "Yes, that's you." "It's man's life in the regular clergy." "Eyes..." "left!" "Eyes... right!" "Eyes... up!" "Make vows..." "Turn!" "Alright, put your backs into it!" "I want to see loads of humility!" "Monks, turn around, bless!" "These men have just completed basic training." "This is passing out parade." "At ease!" "Filthy habit, filthy habit..." "Filthy knees." " I'm sorry, sir." " That is no excuse." "You shaved your legs." "Yes, sir." "Vanity, sir." "You've got to make confession." "You are an horrible little monk." " What are you?" " Horrible little monk, sir." "This happens again, I shall throw the bible at you." "Yes, sir." "I saw that!" "Monks, right turn!" "Now let's see you pick up those cassocks!" "March!" "Left, left, left..." "The discipline is tough, but off duty your modern monk knows how to relax." "Kiss me goodbye father abbott," "Father abbott, be a mother to me." "Hail father..." "Yes, all work and no pray makes brother Jacques a dumb monk." "Tuesday's bingo night." "Forty-three, the Holy See." "All the Commandments, number ten." "Loaves and fishes, two and three." "Nine and nil, ban the pill." "And this week's star prize goes to brother Ambrose, bottle of open wine and a plenary indulgence." "Brother Ambrose has been a monk for three months now." "It took me quite a while to settle down, at first I thought there was too much papal bul." "But I soon got into the swing." "The sports facilities is grand." "This week our lads is playing the Trappists at rugby." "Brother Ambrose is glad he joined." "For whether at work or play, the monk of today is going somewhere." "Why don't you join him?" "It's fun, once you get into the habit." "Well well well, how are we today, old chap?" "Fine, thank you doctor, I'm very well, well enough to go home now." "This is a colleague of mine, dr." "Sibling." "I just want him to have a look at you." " Yes." "There's nothing wrong, is there?" " Good heavens no." " Just a look, see." " Yes." " I see what you mean." " Interesting, isn't it?" "Yes indeed, very interesting." "What's interesting?" "What?" "Now don't you worry yourself about that." "Do you think uhm...?" "Tell me, does it hurt when I do this?" "What about this?" " See?" "It does hurt." " Yes, but by the same token..." " So there's that, it doesn't let us..." " No, it doesn't, does it." " Listen to that!" " What?" " Oh, so it does!" " So it does what?" " What does what?" " Well..." "We can't have that, can we?" "I must write an article in the Lancet about that." " Has he been groated yet?" " What?" "No, I didn't want to groat him till I got the results of the lopotomy." "The what?" " The pubes seem to be bended." " Yet no binding of the ancillary postules." " What..." " Tell me," "How about his EXJ?" "Traces of spodulation but they didn't palulate." "They never palulate till it gets pusilagenous, then it's too damn late." "Tried the pismo test but that was negative." "What's the pismo, is that where with the sparks coming up me nose?" " What, what?" " He's breaking out in a sweat." "You'd bloody well break out in sweat." "Calm yourself, calm yourself, there's nothing to worry about." "I say, I just had some fantaastic new pill samples from Burrows  Whelk." " What are they for?" " Haven't the slightest idea." "I've lost the leaflet." "I thought we might try them out on him." " No." " We'll see what they do." "And if that doesn't work we'll cut him open and rummage through." " Now look I was alright before..." " I'd like to try the spanometron." " Oh, couldn't do any good." " Couldn't do much harm." "I always wanted to have a go at the little coloured lights..." "Now stop making those funny noises." "Dear oh dear." "Obviously a worrying type." "Pity, seemed a nice little chap." "Don't upset yourself." "We did all we could." "There's another fellow I'd like you to have a look at, more interesting case." "That's about it for tonight," "I would just like to say kids, if you have enjoyed watching the program as much as we have performing for you," "then we've all had a pretty boring half an hour." "We're going to be here same time next week, same time, same place," "And if you're not here, don't worry, we'll start without you."