"Come on, Steve!" "You're supposed to be a speed cop." "Let's have some speed." "I've got to get to the Globe Express." "What's the big news, Rusty?" "The big news is that I've got to hurry." "I'm late for a wedding." "(SIREN WAILING)" "This is Haley of the Globe Express." "Have you seen Charlie Mason?" "No?" "Well, if you see him, tell him to rush right over to the office." "Pete Stagg is having hysterics." "Wait till I get a hold of that tramp." "Do you want me to take the assignment?" "No." "If you can't find Mason, why doesn't somebody find Rusty Fleming?" "My guess is, she's wherever he is." "They're like that." "Like what, darling?" "Do you know where Charlie Mason is?" "Yes, I know." "Then what are you standing there for?" "Go get him." "Tell him he's fired." "Tell him to get over to the St. Andrews' Hotel right away and get that story about the Archduke." "Which shall I tell him?" "Some day I'll fire him and you, too!" "And this time you'll stay fired." "You won't get to the front office to talk your way out of it." "You'll find yourselves out on the street with my footprints all over you." "And if you think I'm talking just for the sake of hearing myself talk..." "She's gone, Mr. Stagg." "(STAMMERING)" "CLERK:" "Do you solemnly swear that the statements contained in this affidavit are true, so help you God?" "MAN:" "Yes, sir." "$3, please." "Here's your marriage license." "Next." "The name is Mason, Charlie Mason." "I'm sorry I can't shake hands with you, but..." "Where's your affidavit blank?" "Blank?" "Yeah, I did have some kind of a blank, didn't I?" "Let me see now." "Do you mind?" "Thank you." "There." "Say, are you crazy?" "No, only happy." "Does that look like an affidavit blank to you?" "Now that you mention it, it doesn't." "No, it doesn't!" "Don't be harsh with me." "I'm sensitive." "Go fill out an affidavit blank, and get back to the end of the line." "Oh, be a good fellow and fill one out for me, will you?" "Nothing doing." "The end of the line." "Next." "The age of chivalry is dead." "As for you, sir, I thank you." "Maybe we shall meet again in a future life." "If we ever do, I shall be happy to hold your bundles for you." "I'm much obliged." "Get those bundles out of here." "What do you think this is?" "Go check them in the cloak room." "(TSKING)" "Such manners." "Such manners." "Rusty." "What have you got?" "Oh, you nut!" "Wearing that coat for a wedding at the County Clerk's." "I like to do things right." "How does it look?" "Fine, but you'd better let me take off the price tag." "What is all this?" "Well, fire irons." "What is home without a fireplace?" "And what's a fireplace without fire irons?" "And a vacuum cleaner." "You gotta have a vacuum cleaner." "And rambler roses." "You've always liked rambler roses." "Yes, but climbing up the side of a house, you goof." "Well, all right, we have the roses." "All we need is a side of a house." "Wait a minute, I'll make a note of it." "Listen, Charlie." "I know that any day is a total loss to you unless you pull at least three gags, and I love you for it." "I wouldn't have you any other way." "But..." "Come on, Rusty, be yourself." "Don't go solemn on a guy just because you're marrying him." "Charlie, tomorrow or any other day, you can ride a white mule up the City Hall steps and I'll ride it with you, but today is different." "I'll spend the rest of my life with you being crazy, but let's not have a crazy wedding day." "Sure, Rusty, sure." "You want me to be serious?" "All right, I'll be serious." "And the most serious thing in my life right now is to kiss you." "(CHARLIE EXCLAIMING)" "Wouldn't you think there'd be a little privacy here?" "Hey, you!" "Keep an eye on these till we get back." "Oh, let me tender my congratulations." "I represent Dobbin and Dobbin." "I suppose at this moment you are thinking of that happy little home which you're going to furnish." "Now, let me tell you of my easy payment plan." "Not interested!" "Oh, but surely the little woman is." "Are your easy payments really easy?" "Easy?" "They're the easiest in Chicago." "Say, we've got couples that've been married for 10 years that are still paying." "I'll tell you what." "I'm kind of busy right now, but if you'll drop into my office tomorrow," "I'll give you an order." "My name's Pete Stagg." "I'm the City Editor on the Globe Express." "I'll be there, Mr. Stagg, without fail." "Well, now that you've nicely arranged to get us fired..." "Oh, that's tomorrow." "Look, I've got to certify that we're not idiots or insane." "Do you have to swear to it?" "Come on, Rusty." "Say, I didn't know marriage was so popular." "Do you solemnly swear that the statements..." "Say, what's the matter with you?" "You've got the date of your birth down here August 4th, 1934." "That makes you two years old." "That's right." "Next year, I'll be eligible for the Kentucky Derby." "And if you were marrying a girl like mine, you'd feel that young yourself." "The said persons are not idiots or insane..." "So you're both idiots and insane?" "Well, you decided to tell the truth, didn't you?" "What's the matter?" "Don't you like that blank?" "No, I don't." "And what's more, this is no place for clowning." "Oh, Charlie, you promised." "All right, Rusty." "Maybe he'll like this one better." "There we are." "Yes, this one is in order." "Swell." "Here's three bucks." "Give me one of your very best marriage licenses." "What's the matter now?" "Counterfeit money?" "Nope, but take a look at that clock." "Looks like an all right clock to me." "It is." "And if you'll look at it, you'll see it's 5:00." "That's closing time." "Aw, be a good fellow." "I apologize." "That's fair enough, isn't it?" "Come on, give me that marriage license, huh?" "With pleasure... tomorrow." "All right, I know lots of places where I can get a good marriage license for two bucks." "And do you know where you can get a girl to go with it?" "Aw, Rusty, don't be sore." "We'll come back tomorrow and do this right." "I'll be as solemn as seven owls." "Come on, don't make a guy feel as though he had jilted you." "Don't be dull, Charlie." "I'm not sore." "I'm jilting you, my lad." "Why?" "Because I..." "Because this thing called marriage was never invented for us, Charlie." "We went haywire when we thought it was." "What do you say we stay almost married?" "Rusty..." "Here, hold this." "I gotta make a phone call." "(DINGING)" "WOMAN ON PHONE:" "When you hear the tone, the time will be two and one half minutes after 5:00." "(TONE BEEPING)" "CHARLIE:" "They're all yours." "We better hurry and get that Archduke story." "See?" "I knew this coat would come in handy for something, after all." "Say, how many of these things must you eat before an Archduke comes out?" "Lift up the lettuce." "He might be hiding." "Newspapermen." "Newspapermen!" "Winternitz, please, send them away." "But, Your Highness..." "Send them away!" "But, Your Highness, your engagement to Miss Mainwaring, it makes big news for them." "Am I the only man in America that gets married?" "But, Highness, she is one of the richest women in America, and you are an Archduke." "They are curious about you." "Yes, they ought to be curious about any man who would marry that." "(AGREEING)" "Newspapers!" "They ought to put me in their "Believe It Or Else Not."" "I'll bet she gives the Duke four stars." "Sit down, sweetheart, and let your arteries harden." "Two to one, it's a stooge." "Please, be patient." "His Highness, the Archduke Gustav Ernest, will see you presently." "Well, what's His Highness doing?" "He's getting a high, I'll bet." "What'd I tell you?" "What'd I tell you?" "But soon it will all be over, Your Highness." "Miss Mainwaring's reception and then the wedding, and then..." "Yes, and then..." "Your Highness." "If you could only get those terrible newspaper people out of the next room!" "Wherever I go, they follow me with their terrible questions!" "If this is a democratic country, why doesn't the Archduke have rights like other people?" "(DOOR OPENING)" "Oh, Your Highness, my name is Mason." "I'm the Assistant Hotel Manager." "I don't care who you are." "This is Miss Fleming, my... my assistant." "Oh." "(EXCLAIMS)" "(CHUCKLING) Oh, so..." "You have a charming assistant, Mr. Assistant Manager." "Yes, well, what I really came for was to apologize for the way the newspaper people have been bothering you." "I think we can prevent that in future." "You see, I have charge of our relations with the Press." "Now, if you gave me an interview," "I could send it out to all the papers at once and spare you this annoyance." "But your American interviews, I do not understand." "Oh, it's very simple, really." "Nothing to it." "Suppose we demonstrate." "You be a visiting prince and I'll interview you." "All right, shoot." "Your Highness, what do you think of our American women?" "(IN FOREIGN ACCENT) Ah, charming!" "But charming!" "(LAUGHING)" "How does it feel to fall out of love?" "What do you mean?" "With whom?" "With me, darling." "I never have." "Never have what?" "Fallen in or out?" "Pardon me, Your Highness." "My... my assistant was just having her little joke." "Go on." "I'm beginning to enjoy this." "You're supposed to be a prince, sap, and you're supposed to be engaged to Miss Mainwaring." "Do you love her?" "Ah, I refuse to answer on the ground it would incriminate me." "Go on." "Your Highness, what do you think of the international situation?" "Ah, charming!" "Suppose I were to tell Your Highness that while you're sitting here waiting to be third-degreed by a bunch of newspaper hoodlums, that there's life, fun and gaiety to be found in this town of Chicago?" "What does Your Highness say to that?" "Oh..." "RUSTY:" "You must excuse His Highness." "He's a little stupid, but a nice fellow when you get to know him." "Maybe you'd rather sit here, you mug, but I know a little restaurant that gets its brew from Pilsen, and its pastry cook comes from Bavaria." "And Tyrolean music." "Tyrolean music!" "Oh, approach me to it." "You are saving my life." "But, Your Highness, the newspapermen." "Well, we'll draw up a statement while we're eating, and when we get back, we can give it to the newspaper people and..." "Exactly." "Winternitz, what would I do if I stayed here?" "You'd walk up and down and think." "Good." "You walk up and down and think." "No, just walk up and down." "(SINGING SCHNITZELBANK IN GERMAN)" "Once again in English, just for us foreigners, huh?" "Oh, sure." "Again, boys." "Foreigners." "(SINGING) Is this not a carving bench?" "Yes, this is a carving bench" "Is this not a monkey wrench?" "Yes, this is a monkey wrench" "Is this not a horse's neck?" "Yes, this is a horse's neck" "Pretty cow, monkey wrench Oh, you lovely carving bench" "Mustache cup, little pup Mackintosh, Monday wash" "Fish's head, downy bed Bike for two, lady's shoe" "(SINGING IN GERMAN)" "Oscar, stop the horses." "We got to go home." "OSCAR:" "Whoa!" "Why, the night is only just beginning to commence." "At 3:00 in the morning, he commences." "Never mind, boys, my Uncle Archiedukie is like that." "Go home to your wives." "But I don't want to go home." "I want to put wings on the horses and fly to greet the sunrise." "What do your horses say to that, Oscar?" "My horses, they are yours." "I only got to deliver these empties to the brewery." "No." "Unless you can think of something what topples all the rest, we go home." "Can you?" "I can." "Two blocks ahead, Oscar, then turn to the left, then straight ahead till you get to the beach." "Giddyap, Daisy." "Giddyap, Lulu." "Whoa!" "Wait a minute!" "To the beach at this hour?" "Sure, I'm taking you to Gordon Blaker's house." "Just as I thought." "Nothing doing!" "Who is this Mr. Blaker?" "What makes Charlie so jealous?" "He's an aviator who's been giving me flying lessons." "In return for which he gets his stupid picture in the paper." "He's a cheap publicity hound!" "Not a cheap one, darling." "He has a nice new $10,000 airplane." "We're going to wake him up, go to the field and then really fly to greet that sunrise." "What do you say, Archie?" "Me, I say yiddgap, Daisy!" "Yiddgap, Lulu!" "OSCAR:" "It's two against one, mister!" "Giddyap, Daisy!" "Giddyap, Lulu!" "Sorry, but there's nobody home." "Oh, that guy's probably at a masquerade, dressed up as an aviator." "Come on, let's go." "No." "I will sit a while and ride this chair into the dawn." "Oh, I am happy, so happy I could cry." "When I get to my hotel tonight, I will cry." "Never have I seen a night so beautiful." "Rusty and Charlie, you are my favorite Americans." "Thanks, Archie." "You're our favorite Archduke." "When you are married you must come to my country and I will show it to you as you have shown me Chicago." "Married?" "Well, we're almost married, Archie, and we want to stay that way." "Rusty, if ever I go haywire again and ask you to marry me, will you promise to smack me down?" "I'd think of that all by myself." "It's a promise." "This I do not understand." "What is it you are afraid of?" "In the first place, I'm afraid that Rusty and I would be strangled in red tape, routine, system, everything we hate." "In the second place, I'm afraid of being a responsible citizen." "In the third place, I'm afraid..." "I'm afraid the gentleman's afraid and so am I." "Of what?" "Of driving each other crazy." "Oh!" "But yours is a divine madness." "Believe me, it is only together that you are Rusty, and you are Charlie." "You are like two parts of a Seidlitz powder." "Separated, there is no... (IMITATING FIZZING) No sparkle." "And no headaches." "The time has come to tell you the facts of life, Archie." "We're newspapermen." "What?" "CHARLIE:" "But don't worry." "No, you're a regular guy and we won't print a line about you if you don't want us to." "Newspapermen." "Oh, you scoundlers!" "But I love you." "You have made me young again." "Newspapermen!" "Listen, you two scoundlers." "I will give you a story for your paper." "Maybe you think tomorrow I am going to get married, yes?" "Uh-huh." "I do not marry Miss Mainwaring." "My royal family does not permit this marriage." "What?" "That will be for your paper, what you call a swoop." "When did you get that message?" "Tomorrow." "BOTH:" "Tomorrow?" "Tomorrow I get it." "First I cable my family to send it." "You don't by any chance mean that?" "I mean it... and how!" "What's gotten into you, Archie?" "This night I have seen two young people together laughing." "I say to myself, "That is the real thing." "That is love."" "And then, the two young people who give me the idea, they laugh at it." "No matter." "It is my idea now." "Archie, we didn't know you at all." "Even I didn't know me." "Well, you'll think differently after some sleep." "What do you say, Charlie?" "I said you'd better sleep on it." "He's taking that advice, anyway." "Well, of all the Schnitzelbanking little Archdukes, he gets romantic ideas from us." "Maybe that's just an alibi." "Oh, I don't know." "Mmm-mmm." "A dawn like this plays funny tricks on a guy's emotions." "Dangerous." "Don't you think we better wake him up and be on our way?" "Oh, what's the hurry?" "The paper went to bed long ago." "Get a load of that sunrise." "Swell, isn't it?" "Hey, Rusty, I..." "I hope I didn't hurt your feelings before, you know, when I was shooting off my face about marriage." "Why should I be hurt?" "It's swell if you aren't." "Don't you know any words but swell?" "For you?" "No." "Maybe everything we said before was just a lot of rosy-tinted bluff." "After all, Rusty, we're not afraid of anything else." "Why be afraid of marriage?" "What was that?" "I was just keeping a little promise I made to Charlie." "Thanks for reminding me." "Now, we get some breakfast, eh?" "Oh, and then I send that cable." "Oh, Charlie, breakfast." "Breakfast." "It is the most beautiful word in your English language." "Well, maybe, but we're miles from breakfast." "Oh, no, we're not." "Come on, follow me." "(SINGING) Ist das nicht ein ham and eggs?" "BOTH:" "Ja, das ist ein ham and eggs!" "Second helping of ham and eggs?" "No, thanks." "Looking at that guy's pictures has spoiled my appetite." "I don't blame you for being jealous." "There is something about an aviator's costume that appeals to women everywhere." "Yes, it is an attractive costume, isn't it?" "You ought to be nuts about the doorman at the Biltmore." "Archie, your story is finished." "Do you still want it printed?" "Can't we talk sense to you, Archie?" "No, let me talk sense to you." "Listen, Rusty and Charlie... (GUN FIRING)" "Comes the revolution?" "Take it easy." "You're not home now." "Help!" "Help!" "Help!" "Help!" "Help!" "Help!" "What is it?" "The big shot, he's drowning." "Who swims at this hour?" "Is it safe?" "It was the only time it was safe for my boss." "I mean..." "Hey, you, step on it!" "You gotta save him." "Do you know who that is?" "It's Smiles Benson." "Oh, is that so?" "You ain't waiting to take off your pants?" "You think I'm going to spoil my suit for that New York racketeer?" "Oh, we've got enough of our own." "You step on it or else!" "Or else what?" "RUSTY:" "Go on, Charlie." "Oh, softie." "Help!" "Help!" "Help!" "Help!" "He took a poke at him." "What do you think you're doing?" "Artificial perspiration." "A barrel might help." "A barrel!" "That's right, a barrel." "Work on him, you, while I get one!" "A barrel." "Always calm and collected, that's me." "Calm, but not collected." "Just breaking in a new cooling system." "(HUMMING)" "This ought to do for a barrel." "SMILES:" "Come here." "Come here." "Feeling better now, Boss?" "I'll be feeling better after I've had a little talk with you." "Where were you when I was yelling for help?" "I was yelling for it, too." "Who are you?" "I'm the sap that should have let you drown." "Did you hear that, Boss?" "And he knocked you out cold while you was in the water." "Looks like you saved my life." "Well, we all make mistakes." "You didn't make no mistake." "I'm a guy that pays off." "Did you ever hear of Smiles Benson?" "Sure." "I've seen your picture, in the post office." "What do you mean?" "Say, I like you." "How would you like to wake up some morning and find 20,000 smackers under your pillow?" "Never use a pillow." "That's the way I sleep, too." "You'll find the 20,000 just the same." "Yeah?" "I'll give it to a conscience fund." "Okay, but I'm a guy who pays off." "When somebody does me dirt, I pay off." "When somebody saves my life, I pay off." "That's because I got a code." "Boss, why don't you let me smack this guy right in the kisser and call it square and this dope, too?" "Get away before I smack you!" "All right, Boss, all right." "MAN ON RADIO:" "And a happy morning to you." "Are you ready to start the day right with some good, robust, hale and hearty setting-up exercises?" "Go on, do like the radio says." "I know you've all had a restful night, no doubt." "Boss..." "Go on." "Go on." "Each day, born anew." "Ready?" "SMILES:" "Go on." "On your toes, my hearties." "Inhale." "Extend your arms over your head." "Now, bend." "Touch the floor." "Touch the floor." "Touch the floor!" "That's it." "Now, once more, with zest and with gusto." "On your toes." "Hands over your head." "Now, bend." "Touch the floor." "Touch the floor." "Touch the floor." "That's it." "Now, once more." "On your toes." "Inhale." "Now, bend." "Touch the floor." "Touch the floor." "That's it." "What's going on here?" "Now, once more." "CHARLIE:" "We just borrowed your house for a drowning." "Hello, Mr. Blaker." "Oh, it's you, Miss Fleming." "It's quite all right, I assure you." "Thank you so much." "This is Mr. Smiles Benson of New York." "And I didn't catch your handle." "Just call me Squinty." "And Squinty, also of New York." "And that's my uncle, Archie." "This is Mr. Gordon Blaker, the famous aviator." "Blaker?" "Never heard of him." "Local talent." "That's what I think, if you ask me." "Who asked you?" "Say, did I order you to do them setting-up exercises, or didn't I?" "Boss..." "Come on." "Turn on the radio and do them." "MAN ON RADIO:" "The Rise and Shine Club is shining off now." "See you tomorrow." "(LIVELY TUNE PLAYING)" "Come on, don't think you're gonna get off that easy." "Take them dirty dishes in the kitchen and wash them." "Boss." "Go on." "NEWSCASTER:" "Special news flash." "A few minutes ago, this SOS was received from the passenger steamer Mary Ann on Lake Michigan." ""Foundering in storm." "Our position is..."" "But the rest of the message never came." "At that moment, the Mary Ann's wireless evidently went out of commission." "Until further news, we will resume our regular studio..." "Here's your big chance, Mr. Blaker." "What do you mean?" "What do you think she means?" "Get out your plane and we'll go hunting for the Mary Ann." "It'll be one of the big stories of the year." "But how am I gonna rescue a shipload of passengers in an airplane?" "Oh, all you have to do is find them and radio their position." "You'll be the hero of America overnight." "But I can't go like this." "I've got to get my motor tested and have weather reports, and..." "And lose the chance of a lifetime." "That isn't how heroes are made." "Come on." "Hey, wait a minute." "How about my pay-off?" "Jump in the lake again and we'll be even." "(EXCLAIMS)" "How about my story?" "You won't forget?" "If you really want it printed, Archie, take it to the Globe Express yourself." "Maybe Smiles can give you a lift." "So long, Archie." "Good luck, you two scoundlers." "I love you." "Mr. Smiles, you are lifting me to the Globe Express, yes?" "Now he's giving orders." "Shut up." "Go get the car." "Go on." "Say, where do you get them kind of shirts?" "Do you really think this is a first-page story?" "When you see those headlines, you'll think they're in sky-writing." "Provided we get the story." "Well, all we can do is try." "That's the spirit." "Give your all and leave the rest to us." "(THUNDER CRASHING)" "We're heading into the storm." "Then we're heading towards the Mary Ann." "That's swell!" "No." "There's no news of the Archduke, and there's no news of Rusty and Charlie." "The next news will be when I murder them." "Please, you are the City Editor, no?" "Whatever you're selling, I don't want any." "I have a message from Rusty and Charlie." "What?" "Where is it?" "Where are they?" "Do they think they can get away with this?" "Please, you mustn't get angry." "It is bad for your temper." "They told me I should give you this." "Get me the composing room." "Is the first page made up?" "That's fine." "Well, unmake it." "Two-column spread on Archduke coming up." "And make up a cut." "How do I know this is true?" "How do I know they wrote it?" "Where are they?" "They went up in an airplane." "STAGG:" "Who are you?" "Did you ever hear of Smiles Benson of New York?" "That's me." "Sure." "And I suppose you're the missing Archduke?" "Yeah, but how did you guess?" "The issing-may ince-pray." "He ibs-nay in person." "Get me a cameraman quick." "The old baboon is in my office now." "Old?" "Did he say I was old?" "Say, why didn't you tell me you was the Archduke?" "I'd have treated you like an equal." "It's no use." "We'll have to turn back." "Why?" "We've only enough gas for an hour's flying." "That'll just about get us back to the field." "But what about the Mary Ann?" "There's no chance of finding her in this storm." "Maybe he's right." "I know I am." "Oh, don't turn yet." "Maybe we could land along the shore." "In a treetop?" "No, thanks." "I'm not really dressed for it." "Mr. Blaker, I believed in you." "We're turning back." "You're throwing away a great chance." "But I'm saving your life." "The Globe Express would rather have us than the story." "I doubt it." "Peeved?" "Why the maternal care?" "Oh, Rusty, that hurts me." "Particularly since you know how I feel about you." "I go haywire when I look at you." "It's the altitude." "Maybe." "I love you, Rusty." "I'll curl up and die if you don't marry me." "BLAKER:" "I'll put you in jail for this." "Brother, if I live to see the inside of a jail, that's what I hope." "A nice, dry, well-heated jail." "Look out the window, you mug, and keep looking out." "With all the income tax we pay, don't you think the government ought to provide their post offices with better pens?" "Be brave, Charlie." "Post office pens were made to try a man's character." "This is Mr. Stagg." "Mr. Stagg," "I was having a bit of a wash and a brush-up this morning and I found this key." "Get out." "But you are Mr. Stagg, aren't you?" "Will you please get out?" "The boy said you were Mr. Stagg." "Please get out!" "I don't want to murder you." "Let me save my strength for Charlie Mason." "I don't know Charlie Mason." "Will you please get out?" "STAGG:" "Please get out." "MAN:" "There's Mr. Stagg now." "I found this key." "Mr. Stagg." "I didn't lose a key." "But Mr. Stagg..." "Get out!" "Mr. Van Dorn, we've got to have a show-down." "What's the trouble now?" "Those two lunatics." "It's a week since they got the Mary Ann story and they won't come back to work." "What do you suggest?" "Fire them." "That won't get them back to work." "They may be great reporters but they're not bigger than the Globe Express." "I tell you, we've got to fire them." "We'd be the laughing stock of Chicago if we did that." "This morning I got a wire from the American Institute." "This year, the gold medal for the best piece of news writing is being given in duplicate." "One to Charlie Mason and one to Rusty Fleming." "I don't care about gold medals!" "I'm still the City Editor of this paper!" "Take it easy, Stagg." "You don't know the way to build morale." "It would be nice to have a formal party for the presentation of the medals, but those maniacs might not even show up, so we'll do it right here." "Maybe you'd like to make the presentation speech yourself?" "I don't think you'd like the words I'd use." "Let me say that these two medals, which are a symbol of the fact that journalism is more than a fleeting or transitory thing of the moment, are an honor that we inscribe proudly in the annals of the Globe Express." "I regret that I do not see Mr. Mason among this array of smiling faces." "(BELCHING)" "Miss Fleming, the Globe Express will recognize the honor you have brought us by giving you a month's vacation with pay." "No vacation for Charlie?" "I'm afraid not." "The Globe Express couldn't spare you both at the same time." "Mr. Van Dorn." "Mr. Van Dorn..." "Didn't I tell you not to disturb me?" "But it's the White House calling." "The White House in Washington." "The President wants to speak to you." "Oh, that's different." "The President of the United States does come first, doesn't he?" "I am sure you will all excuse me." "Hey." "Three cheers for the President, boys." "ALL:" "Three cheers for the President!" "Hooray!" "Hooray!" "(LOSING ENTHUSIASM) Hooray." "Hello." "Yes, this is Mr. Van Dorn speaking." "Yes, of course I can wait." "How would you like to be an ambassador's secretary?" "Hello." "Hello." "(IN DIFFERENT VOICE) Sorry, Mr. Van Dorn, the President has been called away." "He wanted to consult you on the possible effect on public opinion of the shortage of gardenias in Bolivia." "Never mind it, Mr. Van Dorn." "He will write you later." "Oh, what country are we going to, Mr. Van Dorn?" "Bolivia." "It worked like a charm, Charlie." "You're a hero." "You don't know how much suffering you saved." "After an hour, Van Dorn was just beginning to go into the history of the printing press." "Hey, let me see my medal." "And what about a vacation?" "Do we get a vacation?" "Coffee and donuts for two." "And make Charlie's coffee strong." "He'll need it." "That, Charlie, is your medal." "Whee!" "In regard to yours of even date, about your vacation, you don't get a vacation." "I get a vacation." "What?" "A month off with pay." "Your services are too valuable." "You can't be spared." "A fine thing." "Now, if it had been me and Mr. Van Dorn had offered me a vacation all by myself, do you know what I'd have said?" ""No." "No." "A thousand times no, Mr. Van Dorn." ""Let Rusty go and make merry while I toil in loneliness."" "Then everything's turned out all right." "That's just what's happening." "You wouldn't know what to do with a month's vacation, anyway." "Suppose you do get a permanent." "What are you going to do with the other twenty-nine-and-a-half days?" "Get another permanent." "Then I'm going to New York." "You know, the modern Babylon?" "What are you going to do in Babylon?" "Well, first I'm going to see a lot of shows and catch up on my sleep, then I'm going to a lot of night clubs and catch up on my sleep, then I'm going to catch up on my sleep..." "I catch up." "Here, you got me saying it." "Oh, now that I think about it, I got a lot of catching up of my own to do while you're gone." "Prize fights, wrestling, poker and books." "It must be almost a year since I've read a book or bluffed on a four-flush." "I thought it had been longer than that." "You're having a lot of fun, aren't you, Rusty?" "Not as much as I'm going to have in New York." "I'm glad you're going to have a good time, too, without having to put up with my bad influence for a whole month." "I'll have a good time, all right." "Don't you worry about me." "Good Time Charlie, that's me from now on." "(PEOPLE CHATTERING LOUDLY)" "What a hotel." "Will you close the transom, please?" "Yes, Miss." "Must be playing some new kind of a game with horseshoes." "(PHONE RINGING)" "Hello?" "(MUSIC BLARING AT HO TEL)" "Hello, Rusty." "Hello, Charlie." "(SPEAKING LOUDLY) How are you, Rusty?" "(SPEAKING LOUDLY) Fine!" "How are you?" "Glad I was able to catch you in." "I thought maybe you'd be out at one of those night clubs." "Oh, I forgot." "You were going to catch up on your sleep." "Oh, I..." "I just got in a minute ago, but I brought the crowd home with me." "Quick." "Open the transom." "(PEOPLE CHATTERING AND WHOOPING)" "That's the way it's been ever I since I got here!" "I don't know how they stand it!" "Oh." "That's funny." "I got a party in my joint, too." "Poker." "Hey!" "Cut that out, Harry." "(SHATTERING)" "Did you hear that?" "One of the guys just took a pot shot at the chandelier with a bottle." "Just a minute, Charlie." "Sing something." "What?" "Sing something." "But I can't..." "I thought it was going to be hectic, Charlie, but I had no idea it was going to be this hectic." "Go on." "Sing." "But, but what?" "Anything." "(SINGING) Just break the news to Mother" "She knows how dear I love her" "And tell her not to wait for me" "For I'm not coming home" "Just say..." "All right, all right, you can go." "Thank you, Miss." "Hey, stop it, you guys." "And quit making a fool of yourself, Margie." "Next time I'll know better than to play poker with women." "What'd you say, Charlie?" "Huh?" "Hey, cut it out, Margie." "Cut it out, will you?" "They're tickling me." "What'd you say?" "They're tickling me." "What?" "They're tickling me!" "The connection's terrible." "I can't hear a word you say." "It sounds like you're saying somebody's tickling you." "Oh, never mind it." "I'm glad you called, Charlie." "If I'd known you were going to," "I'd have arranged to be here alone." "Well, it was good to hear your voice, anyhow." "But I got to get back to the game." "Must be pretty late in New York now." "What time is it, anyway?" "When you hear the tone, the time will be 2:57 and one half." "(GROANING)" "When you're through admiring yourself, Jonathan, would you mind taking me upstairs?" "Yes, sir." "I mean, no sir, Mr. Van Dorn, sir." "Where did you get those?" "They belong to Mason and Miss Fleming." "No, sir, they don't." "They belongs to me, anyhow." "Don't try to brazen it out." "Those are the medals they won from the Society." "Yes, sir, Mr. Van Dorn, but, but I won them." "You?" "What do you mean?" "In a crap game, sir." "They ran out of cash." "How much did you put up against them?" "Twenty-five cents each." "Twenty-five cents each?" "Yes, sir." "Twenty-five cents each." "Twenty-five cents each." "I don't care if they are great reporters." "They're not bigger than the Globe Express." "That's what Stagg always says." "Huh?" "Send a note to Miss Fleming and tell her not to bother about coming back." "And get Mason out of here quick." "Get him out before I..." "Wait a minute." "I'll attend to it myself." "SECRETARY: (ON INTERCOM) Yes, sir?" "Get Mason in here." "Hello, Stagg." "Stick around." "Something's going to happen in a minute that'll do your heart good." "(HOARSELY) I know." "I heard you." "Why didn't this happen a month ago?" "Then maybe I wouldn't be here now to resign." "Resign?" "What's happened to you?" "Lost my voice." "About time." "It'll come back." "But my wife won't." "Lost my wife, too." "Losing my mind." "She went to California." "Says she won't live with a City Editor." "I'm through." "Think it over." "With those two off the paper, life will be worth living again." "Sorry, Chief, it's too late now." "Going to California." "Say, Chief, if you want to make me happy before I go, there's just one request I'd like to make." "Let me be here when he gets it." "I want to see it with my own eyes." "Just a matter of sentiment." "All right, stick around." "I'd wait a million years to see Mason get it." "All right, what's the bright idea?" "It is a bright one." "Put Mason on the City Desk." "Are you trying to be funny?" "Listen, Chief, Mason knows every way of ducking work that a reporter can think of, because he's used them all himself." "He's the only man who'll be able to control that gang of cut-throats out there." "Willett, you're either a genius or a blithering idiot." "Wait a minute." "How about the girl?" "If he isn't a great City Editor and she isn't raising his babies within a year, you can call me an idiot." "Well, how are you this fine afternoon?" "If you have anything to say, say it out loud." "You don't have to whisper." "That's what you think." "Mr. Van Dorn wants to see you." "So they tell me." "Oh, allow me." "After you." "No, no, after you." "Yes, sir." "Mason, about five minutes ago I decided to fire you and Miss Fleming, too." "Oh, you're a very hard man, Mr. Van Dorn." "Got a light?" "Always glad to oblige." "Thank you, my good man." "Don't mention it." "Sit down." "Now, Mr. Van Dorn, don't say another word." "You'll spoil it." "I have never before been fired with such classic precision, such economy of words." "I said, sit down." "All right, but if you think you can boil me in oil, or hang, draw and quarter me..." "Oh, no." "All you can do is fire me." "Those are the rules." "This is your idea, Willett." "You tell him about it." "Suppose I said that instead of firing you we were going to offer you the City Editorship." "(RETCHING)" "Oh, now, Mr. Willett, don't toy with his emotions lightly." "Pete Stagg here has just been in to resign the job." "It's yours if you make up your mind to cut out the nonsense, and make the rest of the staff cut it out." "Maybe I'd better stay fired." "VAN DORN:" "Be reasonable, Mason." "You may want to be married some day." "An extra 50 a week in your pay envelope would help." "It would get you a pretty little cottage in the country, all covered with hollyhocks." "I don't like hollyhocks." "Mr. Van Dorn, have you gone stark mad?" "Make him City Editor?" "I wouldn't put him in charge of the postage stamps." "Why, you might as well close up the joint." "Say, if I didn't make a 10 times better City Editor than you, I'd..." "You couldn't edit the comic strips!" "But I'm no Pete Stagg." "If I take the job, I do the hiring and firing." "I'll go the whole way with you." "Say, do you mind if I change those hollyhocks for rambler roses?" "All right, now you'll get yours." "With the example you've set, do you think they'll take orders from you?" "Stick around, pal." "I'll show you how to shoot some discipline into a paper." "They'll send you to the hospital with a nervous breakdown!" "They'll run you ragged!" "All right, all right." "But you don't have to shout." "Well, I hope I've made myself clear." "From now on, everybody is going to toe the line." "There's going to be no more sloppiness around this office." "Take off them false whiskers, Charlie." "We know you." "You'll make a good City Editor, but I don't like City Editors." "I do." "How about a $5-raise all around?" "When the high school humorists have finished," "I've got a few more remarks I'd like to make." "First, I'm going to be a tough City Editor." "Why don't you pound the desk?" "How do you expect to be executive without pounding the desk?" "Hey, I think the guy really means it." "March to the head of the class." "I wish Rusty were here to see this." "So do I." "Well, come on, let's get down to business." "Haley, you're off police news." "You go to City Hall." "Jackson, you cover police headquarters..." "Wait a minute." "I've been covering police headquarters for five years." "Yes." "You're getting lazy." "Mary Lawson..." "Hey, what's the idea?" "I was supposed to go on special interviews!" "Oh, you can interview your head off, in your spare time." "Listen, Mary, you're going to stop living at the Fenwick Hotel." "Why?" "Oh, it's just ducky to get your board free, but you can't be a reporter for the Globe Express and a press agent for a hotel at the same time." "Do you mean to say you never did that?" "Sure, I did and I got away with it." "But you don't, not anymore." "Hey, Hank Smith." "Present, Teacher." "Yes, a teacher is what you need." "Listen, don't use the word "lengthy" when you mean "long"." "Why not?" "Because "lengthy" means "long" and because it's a lengthier word, and because we're not gonna have any more stuffed shirt language in the Globe Express." "That's all now." "No, that isn't all." "Go on, say it." "Why, you..." "Oh, never mind." "I'll send you a picture post card from New York." "I'm resigning!" "Right." "Any more resignations?" "What do you think you're reporting, a fashion show or a murder?" "I don't expect you to use brains, but what's the matter with your legs?" "Hey, what's the idea?" "Rusty!" "Oh, this is great." "Honey, you must think I'm a heel for not calling you but..." "Mary Lawson told me you were dead and they were using your corpse for a City Editor." "I came to pay my respects." "Oh, that dame." "Gee, you don't know how happy I am to see you, but I've been busy." "Busy being a super Stagg?" "Well, you'll be proud of me yet, Rusty." "I've grown up, straightened out." "Yeah, into a pretzel." "(PHONE RINGING)" "Hello!" "Oh, the jury's out, is it?" "I knew that five minutes ago." "Look, I'm not asking you to neglect your poker, but give a little of your spare time to the Globe Express, will you?" "I've found myself, Rusty." "In what ash can?" "Now, please, can't we talk later?" "A big murder just broke and that sap Wheeler can't get the coroner to talk." "Take it over yourself, will you?" "Hiya, Rusty." "Hello, Ray." "Kennedy, why don't you listen next time I give orders?" "I asked for facts, not editorial opinions!" "Have you forgotten that these are your pals who used to play "follow the leader"" "when you were on that side of the fence?" "Only doing my job." "What's happened to you?" "If the gong began ringing right now for a three-alarm fire, would you answer it?" "That's what I have reporters for." "The guy who used to want to go himself was Charlie Mason." "Get that story." "We'll talk later." "Yes, sir." "Very good, sir." "Immediately, sir." "You still with me?" "Sure." "And you'll be with us when we're all fired." "Oh, I can't believe it yet, not Charlie." "But take it from me, there won't be any firing not with the sense of humor Charlie has." "You mean, used to have." "This'll bring it back." "I tell you, it'll bring back the Charlie Mason we used to know." "(SINGING) Bring back" "ALL:" "Bring back" "Bring back my Charlie to me" "We came as soon as we got your message, Miss Rusty." "Good." "How'd you like to make 10 bucks apiece?" "For you and 10 bucks, we'll do anything." "Thanks." "First, you go down to the barber shop on the corner and come back without your mustaches." "Without a mustache, my wife wouldn't know me." "Good." "Then Charlie Mason won't." "Without a hat, yes." "Without a coat, yes." "Without pants, yes." "Without a mustache, no." "For me and 10 bucks?" "And two bucks extra?" "Miss Rusty, in 20 minutes we'll return and lay our mustaches at your feet." "Come on, Herman." "Hey, boy, wait a minute." "How would you like to be in on this?" "Go on." "I'm not gonna shave this mustache off." "You don't have to." "How much do you make in a week?" "Twelve bucks." "I'll give you that for a day, and for 12 bucks, you can buy lots of hair tonic." "Listen." "(BOY WHISTLING)" "CHARLIE:" "Boy!" "Boy!" "Hey, cut that out." "This isn't amateur night, and I'm not Major Bowes!" "Take that stuff to the composing room!" "The composing room?" "Oh, yes, the composing room." "I know where it is." "How long have you been here?" "Not very long." "No, you won't be!" "CHARLIE:" "Hey!" "Hey!" "I think you'd better have a look at this." "It just came over the City News." "What is it?" "CHARLIE: "The name of Charles Mason, City Editor of the Globe Express..."" "..."position of manager of the Old Ladies' Home."" "What the..." "What'll we do about it?" "I'll find out who's responsible for this." "Hey, what are you doing?" "We got to paint the office." "Listen, I'm getting out a paper here." "Who sent you?" "We got our orders." "Hey, kill it." "Mr. Van Dorn." "What?" "He's out of town?" "Well, where is..." "Hey!" "Hey!" "Say, haven't I seen you somewhere before?" "Maybe yes." "In our trade we get around." "Well, you'd better start getting around right now." "Mr. Mason, we just ran off a proof for the bulldog edition." "About time." "Let me see it." "But, Mr. Mason, isn't this a little irregular?" "What?" ""Great City Editor tells how he did it!"" ""Clean living and discipline are the secrets," says Charlie Mason." "Hey, get me the composing room!" "Quick!" "Hey, Murphy, you gone raving mad?" "Who authorized that story about me?" "What?" "It had my okay on it?" "Oh, when I find the half-wit who did that, there won't be enough left of him to hold an inquest on!" "Well, don't argue with me!" "Kill it!" "Hey, boy." "What's the matter..." "Boy!" "Say, you, come back here." "Come here." "Did you take a story about me up to the composing room?" "I don't know." "I didn't read it." "Oh, then you did take one up, one you didn't get from that tray." "Who gave it to you?" "I don't know his name." "Didn't anybody tell you I was the only one who gave orders in this room?" "Oh, keep your shirt on." "Oh, I see." "What's your salary?" "$12, but..." "But what?" "Skip it." "What's your name?" "Smith." "Sammy Smith." "Oh." "Hello." "Give me the cashier's office." "Mason speaking." "Listen, I'm sending up a boy by the name of Smith!" "Give him $12 and get him out of here!" "No, not tomorrow, today!" "Right away!" "Now!" "Thanks, Mr. Mason." "Get out of here." "Hey, are you through?" "I think so." "I've finished, too." "This is the best I can do." "Yeah." "Go on, get out of here." "All right, you guys." "Come on, come on, come on." "There's somebody in this room who thinks his neck would look better in two pieces." "Will he please step forward and take a bow?" "(SCHNITZELBANK PLAYING)" "(SINGING) Ist das nicht a City Editor?" "Looking like an angry creditor" "Ist das nicht a big disgrace?" "Rusty." "Ist das nicht a sour face?" "ALL:" "Yes, this is a big disgrace" "Yes, this is a sour face" "Don't make me fire you." "Ist das nicht a super Stagg?" "City Editor of the rag" "ALL:" "Super, super, super Stagg City Editor of the rag" "Ist das nicht an executive?" "Giving all he has to give" "ALL:" "Yes, this is an executive" "Come here." "Giving all he has to give" "(ALL LAUGHING)" "Do I have to fire you to show you I mean business?" "Listen, when I get scared, it'll take more than a stuffed shirt like you to do the scaring." "Do you think you can bully me, you great, big, two-telephone man, you?" "Come on, come on." "You're hurting me." "Let me down." "Let me down." "I'll let you down." "You certainly have." "Take her down and don't bring her back." "Yes, sir." "I'd like a ticket on the next plane to New York." "Sorry, but we're sold out." "Can't give you a thing until 6:00 this evening." "Well, if there should be a cancellation, will you let me have it?" "I'll wait." "Certainly, Miss." "Got my reservation?" "The name is Dodacker." "Here's your ticket, Mr. Dodacker." "$47.95, please." "All right." "And might I ask if you're Roger Dodacker, the author?" "Yes, I'm afraid I am." "I've read The Will to Live and Lift Yourself by Your Bootstraps." "They're inspiring, Mr. Dodacker." "Well..." "CLERK:" "Thank you." "Thank you." "It's nice to have a famous brother." "A lot of good it does me to be famous." "Oh, cheer up, Roger." "I don't want to cheer up." "Look here, Laura, I want to face facts." "I always do." "I've been jilted, and I'd like to figure out why." "But you know why." "She told you." "She doesn't love you." "But what of it?" "You were never in love with her, either." "But I'm not the kind that falls madly in love." "But to be turned down like this at the last moment..." "Well, it's humiliating." "Besides, what will people say?" "Roger Dodacker, who writes books on success, couldn't make a success of his own engagement." "Well, if you'll put as much technique into your courtship as you put into your books, you will be successful." "Oh, yes, but..." "Ask any woman if I'm not right." "Ask Mother." "Better still, try it." "But let's talk about something serious." "I put a bottle of champagne in here, and I want you to open it when you get in the plane." "As if that would make everything all right." "It'll help." "A good swig of that will do wonders for you." "And if there's a nice girl in the plane, flirt with her." "Too bad that one couldn't get a ticket." "She's the kind I'd like you to pick next time." "Somebody else seems to be picking her." "Going to New York?" "That's swell." "Great flying weather, isn't it?" "My name is Givens." "Fancy that." "Oh, come on." "Aren't you going to tell me yours?" "Just call me "Cutie"." "Any cancellations yet?" "No, Miss." "Sorry." "Oh, I'm sorry if I was rude, Mr. Givens, but I was worried about something." "Oh, that's all right." "Tell Papa." "Do you believe in dreams?" "I certainly do." "Last night, I dreamed this plane was going to fall." "What?" "Say that again." "Last night, I dreamed this plane was going to fall." "Yeah?" "You know, the last time I had a dream like that, it came true." "It was about poor Grandma." "What do you know about that?" "I'd like to ask the man to refund the money on my ticket, but somehow I haven't got the nerve." "I suppose you think I'm just a silly woman." "Well, I don't know." "I've heard of cases like that." "Then you don't think I'm a coward?" "I tell you what, baby, let me handle this." "Can I turn in my ticket?" "What's the matter?" "Nothing, only I've, I've got to get there quicker." "How, by telegraph?" "No, I mean, I'm not in a hurry." "I don't, I..." "Anyway, what do you care?" "Can I cash in my ticket or can't I?" "Surely." "It's okay." "I turned mine in." "Come on, baby." "Here's a ticket, Miss." "$47.95." "Thank you." "Say, what is this?" "I've changed my mind." "You know how women are." "She thinks she took me in." "Do you mind if I introduce myself?" "I'm Laura Dodacker." "I want to offer you the Dodacker Prize presented regularly on the spur of the moment to every gal who makes a worthwhile contribution to the subject of pests and how to get rid of them." "Thanks." "I'm Monica Fleming." "Oh, swell." "It's cold." "Will you help me drink my prize?" "MAN:" "All aboard!" "All aboard!" "Well, I'm afraid it's too late, but perhaps my brother, Roger, can help you." "He's flying with you." "Congratulations to the winner of the Laura Dodacker Trophy." "Thank you." "May I carry it for you?" "Oh, I don't know." "How do you carry your liquor?" "Let's go." "Just thought I'd drop in to say good night." "Good night, Haley." "Got a letter from Mary Lawson today." "Did you know she landed a job on the New York Star?" "Yeah." "Rusty's staying with her." "Yeah." "Well, don't forget to follow up on that rumpus at City Hall first thing in the morning." "Right." "Rusty's been stepping out with a fellow named Dodacker." "You've heard of him, haven't you?" "The guy who writes those best sellers on success?" "Looks like wedding bells." "You'd better see the Mayor himself." "I hear there's going to be a big blow off." "Good evening, Mason." "Good night, Haley." "Oh, good night." "Mason, I suppose you're wondering what I'm doing here at this hour." "But the bigger the job, the bigger the responsibility." "When they write my biography, I want them to say" "I was the first to arrive at the office, the last to leave." "What's that?" "Oh, yeah, yeah." "Mmm-hmm." "Mmm-hmm." "I haven't said much to you since you took over this desk, Mason, but I've been watching you." "You've done a remarkable job." "Remarkable." "You'll make a fine executive." "Don't be surprised if there's $25 more than usual in your pay envelope this week." "Never mind saying it, Mason." "I know how you feel." "As a matter of fact, Mr. Van Dorn..." "Tomorrow, Mason, tomorrow." "I can see you're tired." "I guess I've sort of overwhelmed you, eh?" "Well, keep up the good work." "You're going places." "I am going places, Mr. Van Dorn, especially New York." "And I'm going tonight." "What I wanted to tell you was that I'm resigning." "What?" "Don't tell me that I was mistaken in you." "Oh, not as much as I was in myself." "I've got to be a human being again, the kind of guy who runs to three-alarm fires himself when the gong starts to ring." "And it's ringing right now." "Mr. Van Dorn, Haley would be a good man for that City Desk." "What?" "You can't do that." "No one's telling me what I can't do anymore." "Good night!" "Down, Jonathan, down." "(SINGING SCHNITZELBANK IN GERMAN)" "This way." "What's the idea?" "Never mind, come on." "Come on." "Hiya." "Oh, fancy meeting you here." "My boys in Chi told me you was coming." "You and that dame ain't made a move since I left Chi that I don't know about." "What's the idea?" "I told you that I'm a guy that always pays off." "You say not with dough?" "Okay, not with dough." "Some other way." "I'm taking care you have a good time, see?" "What's the program?" "What's the program?" "Right here, and I can take care of it without any help from you." "Get a toothbrush." "I thought of that." "What else?" "Find a hotel." "You're all set." "Plaza Pierre." "Buy flowers for Rusty." "I'll take care of that." "I got the flowers all delivered." "That's her room up there." "Anything else I can do?" "Yeah, go away." "I'll take that kind of talk from you until I've paid you off." "I'll meet you later at Jake's Cafe on 74th." "Go away." "Go away." "Okay, Squinty." "(CLEARING THROAT)" "(MUSIC PLAYING)" "(SINGING) La, la, la" "Oh, Rusty Stick your head out of the window" "I have come from afar And I've got a job on the Star" "Oh, we will spend those happy hours" "Oh, Rusty Did you get my flowers?" "That Dodacker guy" "Is not for you" "Oh no, oh no, oh no, oh..." "Squinty, that's a good sign!" "She loves me." "Hey, Lawson." "What's the idea of throwing the water?" "What'd you expect me to throw?" "Perfume?" "I guess I had it coming to me at that." "Shake and call it square, huh?" "Waiting for something?" "Where's Rusty?" "Out." "Then I'm waiting for Rusty." "You're wasting your time." "You remind me of a woman I once saw in a play." "She was knitting in front of some kind of machine, I forget what." "Rusty's going to be married to Roger Dodacker." "I remember now!" "It was the guillotine." "You're wasting your time." "You said that before." "Rusty's engaged." "You don't seem to believe it!" "Sure, I believe it." "Rusty'd do anything for a laugh." "Here we are, dear." "Wait for me, driver." "Good night, Roger." "Thanks for a grand evening." "So glad you enjoyed it." "Good night, darling." "Good night." "I'm so happy I could kiss you." "You're wasting your time." "I know that, but I gotta kill time until Rusty comes." "You've come back here to spoil Rusty's life again, but I'm not going to let you, you," "City Editor." "When you say that, smile!" "Anyway, I'd rather be a City Editor than..." "Is this a private discussion, or may I get in it?" "Rusty." "He's been trying to bully me all evening." "Listening to her, you'd think..." "Listening?" "You haven't done any listening." "Go on with your knitting and leave us alone." "This isn't the Globe Express." "You can't do your bullying here." "That's right, I'm a bully." "I spend all my time bullying helpless women." "I'm not a gentleman." "I guess I'm just not a Dodacker." "Right." "Oh, gee, Rusty," "I was hoping for once we were going to be able to understand each other." "She understands you too well." "I've got to talk to you, Rusty." "Give a guy a chance." "Come on, out in the hall." "Sit down." "Oh, still being executive, huh?" "Sit down, I tell you, and listen to me." "Yes, sir." "Very good, sir." "Proceed." "Do you have to be sarcastic?" "I'm only obeying orders." "Any more orders for the evening, Mr. Mason?" "Yes, plenty." "You're going to marry me." "Archie was right, Rusty." "We need each other." "I need you like I need a crick in the neck." "You need me like you need a swift kick and you need that badly." "Rusty!" "Oh, Rusty, I didn't mean it." "Glass of milk." "Can't drink." "Got ulsters." "Glass of water." "Hey, put them pretzels down." "Yes, sir." "Very good, sir." "Oh, that's that." "I wanted to tell her I was all washed up with that City Editor stuff, and that I landed a job on the Star just to be near her and..." "Oh, what's the use?" "I said all the wrong things." "All of them?" "Yeah." "You know why I came here?" "You see that brown stone house across the street?" "It's where that Dodacker egg lives." "I've been studying the layout." "Nothing doing, Smiles." "No rough stuff." "Who's talking rough stuff?" "One little conk on the head, that's all the guy'll need." "I said nothing doing." "All right, forget it." "I got a better idea." "Where's Squinty?" "Where is that dope, anyway?" "You wait here." "I gotta find Squinty." "(MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)" "Get up, you dope." "We got things to do." "Hey?" "What do you think you're doing?" "He's a friend of mine." "Do you always engrave your invitation on a guy's head?" "He got tough." "If you think he's tough, you ought to see the dame in there." "She kicked Rabbit right in the bread basket, and she almost chewed off Squinty's ear." "It's a good thing you're taking her off my hands." "Who?" "What do you mean?" "The little dame, Rusty." "What?" "I fixed it for you." "This bird here." "Simmons is the name, sir." "Simmy here is a justice of the peace, and he's got a marriage license right in his pocket." "I wouldn't do this for anybody but Smiles." "Here she is, Boss." "Been giving Rabbit a lot of trouble, but I can handle her." "(LAUGHS) Sure you can." "So this is your idea of paying me off, you crackpot 10th Avenue Napoleon." "Hey." "You don't have to pull that stuff." "What do you care what the dame thinks?" "You want her, and here she is." "Rusty, I give you my word..." "I know." "You have an alibi." "You were in Hackensack all evening while they were planning this." "Come on." "You got the rest of your lives for scrapping." "Get going, Simmy." "Marry them." "CHARLIE:" "What?" "You heard me." "You're gonna get married." "Relax." "Get away from me, you little turkey buzzard." "Smiles, it won't stick unless they say "I do."" "I say they do!" "But I..." "Break out with that ring and do your stuff." "All right, all right." "(EXCLAIMS)" "(STAMMERING) Smiles, I swallowed it." "He ate it." "Did you see that?" "He ate it." "(ALL LAUGHING)" "Good work, Rusty." "Say, what's the matter with you?" "When you get what you want, you better take it." "That's my rule." "All I want of you is a chance to meet you in Lake Michigan again." "Come on, Rusty, let's get out of here." "Yes, by all means, let's." "I figured you for a smart guy and you're acting dumb." "But I never start anything I don't finish." "Take them up to my room." "You don't really think I was in on this?" "I'd respect you a lot more if you'd admit it." "Why lie about it?" "The dame's talking sense." "Why don't you tell her this was your idea?" "She'll love you for it." "I studied psickiology and I know." "Would you mind going now and leaving us two love birds alone?" "Sure." "There's a bell over by the bed." "Ring once if you want something to eat, twice for valet service, and three times for a wedding ring." "Rusty, listen to me." "I had nothing to do with this." "But I'm glad it happened." "When I went serious, you straightened me out, and I'm going to do the same for you." "Dodacker is nothing but your City Desk." "He happens to be the man I'm going to marry and I'm going to marry him tomorrow if I can get out of your private jail by then." "Marry him?" "You couldn't." "Wait a minute." "I have before me a specimen of the works of Roger Dodacker." "Listen to this." ""To think you can do it is to know you can do it." ""To know you can do it is to do it." ""In your body, nature gave you a perfect machine." ""Keep it oiled with intelligence and fueled with ambition" ""and it will not fail you." ""Success is for those who will help themselves." ""This world, dear reader, is run on the cafeteria system."" "You marry that triple bromide?" "I'm not marrying his books." "I'm marrying the man." "Can you look me smack in the eyes and tell me that you love him?" "Yes, I can." "Well, say it." "Well, why don't you give me a chance to prove it?" "I will." "(BELL RINGING THREE TIMES)" "Well, did I hear three rings?" "Look here, Smiles, all you care about is paying me off, is that right?" "Right." "Suppose I told you I couldn't stand the sight of that dame anymore?" "Wait a minute." "Quit your stalling." "I'm not stalling." "I thought I was in love with her but I'm cured." "I never want to see her again." "The guy is cuckoo." "Crazy as a flock of bats." "Yeah, if I'm crazy, it isn't love that's doing it." "Listen to this." ""Success, dear reader, is the ninth Muse." ""Woo her as you would the other Muses."" "What's the matter with that?" "I think that's kind of beautiful." "I go for books like that." "THUG:" "Hey, Boss." "This bird busts into the house and says he's going to slap us all in the cooler." "So I slapped him in the teeth and..." "SMILES:" "Take it easy." "Rusty." "Rusty, dear, Mary Lawson told me that I was taking my life in my hands to come here, but I'm not afraid of these gentlemen." "And as for you, sir..." "Let me introduce Mr. Dodacker, the author of the book I was just reading." "Dodacker?" "Say, are you the Dodacker?" "CHARLIE:" "There's only one." "Do you still want to let the dame go?" "Do I?" "Okay, the dame can go." "SMILES:" "Him, too." "You're not fooling me for one moment." "You're just pretending to be softhearted because I caught you." "The law will take its course just the same." "Come, Rusty." "You knew I'd come to you through any danger, didn't you?" "Smiles, do me a very, very great favor, will you?" "Sure." "What's on your mind?" "Take me to town and get plastered with me." "Can't drink, I told you." "All right, then, take me to town and watch me get plastered, or just take me to town." "Come on." "What do you call this drink?" "A parachute." "What's that?" "A drink that makes you float in the air, but you don't know where you'll land." "What's in it?" "It has everything." "A jigger of everything except water." "No water?" "No water." "Bring me another one." "Same for me." "Okay." "After this float, let's get out of here." "Why?" "Because it's across the street from the house across the street." "No, no, no." "This place suits my morbid mood." "Morbid?" "What's that?" "It's when you have a court plaster on your soul instead of your face." "She's going to be married tomorrow, Smiles." "She'd have been married now if you hadn't been such a sap." "I am a sap." "You're all right." "Ever been in love, Smiles?" "I been a sap, too." "Yeah, but you never lost your girl to a Dodacker." "(GROANS)" "Did I tell you she was going to be married tomorrow?" "Twice." "Hey, hey." "Cut that out." "Rusty's no bigamist." "I must take my afternoon nap if I'm to be ready for tomorrow." "Aren't you forgetting something, Mother?" "The bridal dress." "MRS. DODACKER:" "I haven't forgotten." "I think Rusty would rather skip all that stuff." "I'll have it ready first thing in the morning." "The morning?" "But Mother..." "Oh, I don't know what could have possessed me." "A Dodacker bride always tries on the dress the day before the wedding." "That dress is 150 years old." "Six Dodacker brides have worn it, Rusty." "Pardon?" "I didn't hear what you said." "You mustn't be absentminded, child." "Haven't you read what Roger says about absentmindedness?" "Let me see." "Absentmindedness." "Absentmindedness." "Let it go till later, Mother." "You're tired." "I never get tired." "LAURA:" "But Rusty is." "Are you?" "Oh, no." "No, it's quite all right." "There, Laura." "Now, what was I going to say?" "Laura, you're always making me forget things." "Oh, yes, it was the dress." "Come with me, child." "We'll try it on right now." "Boy." "Another parachute." "The same for me." "Smiles, maybe you hadn't ought to be drinking." "Why not?" "You got ulcers." "Liquor is good for ulsters." "Yeah?" "Sure." "That's how I got them." "Oh, that's different." "But maybe you hadn't ought to be drinking." "Don't be a Dodacker." "Dodacker?" "What's a Dodacker?" "I forget." "(MIMICKING ROGER) A Dodacker?" "Yes." "A Dodacker is a cross between the missing link and the lost discard." "It looks like a man but it talks like Mrs. Grundy when she's had too many cups of tea." "Oh, Smiles." "Yeah?" "Maybe I hadn't ought to be drinking." "Got to have a clear head." "Gotta get Rusty a wedding present." "That's all right." "My head is clear." "I always keep it that way." "Two more." "Same for me." "Think she'd like a dog?" "What kind of a dog?" "One that'd be kind of a pal to her." "She'll be lonely with Dodacker." "He isn't her kind, Smiles." "He's a phony." "She's real..." "You don't know how real she is." "Sure, I know." "No, I tell you, you don't." "The day of the big chemical fire, they were bringing them out dead and dying." "The explosions were coming like firecrackers on a string." "The kid found an emergency door that was jammed and smashed it down herself." "Yeah, and now she's gonna marry some egg that writes books on success." "I know." "We'll get her a fire house dog." "You know, one of those big black ones with the white spots." "Do you think she'd like that, Smiles?" "If she likes fires." "Oh, she loves fires." "She's a newspaperman." "She lives on excitement." "Why, if a fire engine came hooting down the street right now, she'd..." "Fire engines." "Pretty red fire engines." "Rusty loves them." "You wanna get her a fire engine?" "Smiles, am I drunk?" "I don't know." "Drunk enough to get a real girl a real wedding present?" "Sure." "Shiny red fire engine." "That's the kind of present Rusty would understand." "Anything else, sir?" "Sure, sure." "Tomorrow evening's newspapers." "Don't come back till they're ready." "Fire Headquarters." "Please." "Hello." "Get some apparatus up East 74th Street, 622 East." "Fire in the basement." "Looks like it's spreading." "No, no alarm in yet." "Me?" "Charlie Mason of the Star." "(WHOOPING)" "Pretty red fire engines." "Rusty loves them." "Say." "Say, we gotta have policemen, too." "Policemen go with fire engines." "Quick." "Quick." "Tell me somebody you don't like." "Fingy Costello." "Good." "Police Headquarters." "Please." "Charlie Mason of the Star." "Wanna pick up Fingy Costello?" "Sure. 622 East 74th." "Huh?" "Don't mention it." "Rusty's gonna have policemen, too." "Hey, Smiles, what else?" "What else?" "(SLURRING) And..." "I know, I know." "Ambulances." "Hey, you got any nickels?" "Yes." "In my hour of need, you have not failed me." "Emergency Hospital." "Just a moment." "Emergency Hospital." "Violently insane?" "Call the mental ward of Hillview." "Oh, is somebody hurt?" "Sure, right away." "Yes." "I'll notify Hillview." "Civic Hospital." "Yes." "Dodacker." "Gunshot wounds." "622 East 74." "Immediately." "Turnbull's Funeral Parlor." "Most distressing, most distressing." "Dodacker?" "Yes, sir, I have it." "Hillview Hospital." "Epileptic fit?" "Dodacker?" "622 East 74th." "I've got it." "Yes, ma'am." "What else, Smiles?" "Gas mains." "Broken gas main." "Yes, sure." "Steam, too." "Here, this is for you." "Excellent." "Emergency wagon." "(SIRENS WAILING)" "(ALARMS." "BLARING)" "(WHISTLING)" "Out of nickels." "Say, this is terrible." "Don't sit there doing nothing." "We're out of nickels." "Fine thing." "It's a sleeper." "Smiles, you're wonderful." "It seems a bit large." "You're not going to talk of alterations." "It's never been altered." "Don't forget, your daughter must wear it after you, dear." "The bridal veil, Mother." "Yes, yes, of course." "The bridal veil." "LAURA:" "Enough is enough." "Laura thinks I'm boring you with our family traditions." "Oh, not at all." "Mother, there we are." "Dear." "Stunning." "Beautiful." "(SIRENS APPROACHING)" "My dear child, don't fidget." "I hate fidgeting." "Excuse me, but fire engines do that to me." "Roger'll cure you of that nonsense." "Hold your head up, child." "This calls for dignity." "That fire must be awfully near." "Right on this block." "Excuse me!" "Come on, let's see." "MRS. DODACKER:" "Are you out of your mind?" "Rusty." "Rusty, come back." "I insist." "Get back there." "What's happening?" "I'll get you a souvenir program." "But what's happening?" "Get back." "Somebody threw an epileptic fit, set fire to a house." "It's Fingy Costello." "He set fire to a house and shot a man." "They're surrounding him." "Get back outside the fire lines." "RUSTY:" "Where's the fire?" "There's no fire in 622." "But there must be a fire somewhere." "Hey, where's the fire?" "Search me." "Some other time." "What's the trouble?" "I don't know yet." "You wanna come down and help me find it?" "Everybody is here." "No, no." "Hillview Hospital is late." "Here they come!" "Good old Hillview." "Good old Hillview." "Where's the emergency?" "I don't know." "Hey, where's the wedding?" "Rusty." "Rusty, come back here at once!" "What's the idea?" "Don't you know you're inside the fire lines?" "Well, can't a citizen stand in front of his own house?" "You live here?" "What's your name?" "I'm Roger Dodacker." "Dodacker?" "Yes." "Captain." "Captain, I've got Dodacker." "What do you know about Fingy Costello?" "He is Fingy Costello." "MAN 1:" "That's Dodacker, the guy that was shot." "MAN 2:" "No, epileptic fit." "Look here, you can't do this!" "ROGER:" "Let me up." "PARAMEDIC:" "Lie still." "Let me up." "Mr. Dodacker?" "I am Turnbull." "Turnbull the undertaker." "Let me up." "There's Rusty!" "Yoo-hoo!" "Gotta see Rusty." "Charlie!" "Hey, what are you doing down there?" "Hey, you." "Get back here." "This is an outrage." "Do I look like a friend of Fingy Costello?" "Charlie Mason of the Star said you were hiding Fingy." "Well, then, I suggest you arrest Charlie Mason." "FIREMAN:" "Charlie Mason." "Mr. Dodacker." "Charlie Mason?" "Why, that's the guy that turned in the alarm." "Rusty." "Like your wedding present, Rusty?" "What do you mean?" "This!" "I did it all for you." "What?" "Oh, you nut." "Get out of here, quick." "The police department won't like it." "The police department isn't being married." "You're being married." "Maybe you'd rather had a dog." "Would you, Rusty?" "I'll get you a dog, too." "How you doing there?" "Swell number, that dress." "Hiya, Squinty!" "Hey, wait a minute." "Wait a minute." "That ain't the guy that turned in the alarm." "No?" "What do you know about it?" "It was this guy right here." "He phones and gives Mason's name." "He admits it." "What?" "Is that true?" "Boss, do I have to?" "Yeah, you have to." "Okay." "I'll come clean." "I done it!" "Thanks, Smiles." "Rusty." "Rusty, really, this is disgraceful." "Mr. Dodacker..." "Go away, please." "Rusty, come down here at once." "TURNBULL:" "Don't be unreasonable, Mr. Dodacker." "Hours of bereavement come to us all." "Oh, please go away." "Rusty, this is most embarrassing." "MAN 1:" "False alarm." "Come on." "Come on, boys, let's get out of here." "Come on." "MAN 2:" "All right, come on, clear out of here." "Rusty, that dress." "I can't take it off here." "I'll have it cleaned and send it back." "Oh, no, don't do that." "No, they'll ruin it." "They'll wash it in turpentine." "Weren't they nice, Rusty?" "They all came!" "Uh-huh." "Thanks, Charlie." "You sure you wouldn't have rather had a dog?" "You aren't sore?" "I love you, you fool!"