"Previously on "rescue me"..." "Made my decision." "I'm gonna leave the fdny." "Maggie,we've been married 9 months." "What are you talking about," ""breathing life into the relationship"?" "Everyone needs breath." "Everyone needs a spark,sean." "Ok,and the spark is by watching some chick get double-teamed by guys with cocks the size of telephone poles?" "He is a he?" "Who?" "Tony." "Yeah,he's my boyfriend." "I'm pretty sure that she's banging this guy." "I know." "Look,she's on the pill." "You put her on the pill?" "I got a girl." "Really?" "She's in a wheelchair... but she's got the sweetest ass." "Coming through the probie class right now is a black kid- afro-american, as kramer might say-who is so goddamn good as an outside shooter, people are calling him the next jackie ryan." "What?" "You know,how come you never ask me about my day?" "Listen,you got to get me the hell out of here." "My wife,she's driving me nuts." "You mark my words,once I'm sprung, she'll lose all interest in me." "That's her M.O." "How you doin',kid?" "I'm engaged." "You're kiddin'." "Nope." "Who's the lucky girl?" "Steven-my boyfriend." "I didn't put my papers in." "Hmm?" "Things changed." "Things stayed the same,but they changed." "I bought this for us." "I- you think I wanted this,huh?" "Is that what you think, you son of a bitch?" "!" "Shit!" "Oh!" "Tommy!" "Tommy!" "Wake up!" "The word on the street is you're going to jail." "I don't know what street that is, but that's the wrong street, 'cause I'm not going to jail." "I'm just saying- That's not what I hear." "I got a friend down at H.Q." "He says they're this close to getting rid of you." "I'm telling you," "I think I would remember" " You don't remember starting the fire." "How the hell can we expect you to remember signing the go the goddamn policy?" "I didn't start the fire,ok?" "Listen to me." "We've got $2 million on the line, and you are totally screwing this up." "Look,I knew you wouldn't sign the policies yourself." "But I knew that it was the right thing to do." "Thank god I did it, considering the circumstances." "You're stuck with a newborn child and two other kids,tommy." "Listen,we get this money, you are never gonna have to worry about anything else ever again,all right?" "Colleen's college tuition,katy's college,a trust fund for the baby." "Janet can get her own house." "The insurance payoff is gonna be,like,close to $2 million." "And,um... we can cut that right down the middle." "I got an offer on the land where the house was." "400 grand." "I don't want your money." "You're not gonna do anybody any good sitting in prison,you big dum-dum." "What the-what are you doing?" "You had a little, like,baby stink on you." "And anyway,it's curious, by britney spears." "It's fancy." "Well,the Well,the mystery's over." "She's a whore,ok?" "I want to know what really happened that night,ok?" "All of it." "You know the truth,tommy." "You're an uncontrollable alcoholic with a heavy case of survivor's guilt." "A couple of big swigs,your guilt goes right out the window,bing,bang,zoom- you're whipping off my panties and whipping out your dick." "I saw something about it on "oprah"- the whole grieving process?" "That's how men deal with death- they want to have a lot of sex." "They think it kills off all the emotions inside." "Oprah said that?" "She did." "What,did you buy all new stuff for this place?" "Yeah,I did." "I went to this place on fifth avenue." "I mean,you can't fill a manhattan apartment with all the same stuff that you had in bay ridge." "So what,did you spend,like, the rest of the widow money?" "I needed a place to live." "I needed a change." "Damien's at nyu." "I wanted to be close to him." "Besides which,we pull this off, this apartment is just the tip of the iceberg." "What are you doing?" "I want the truth." "Ho ho ho!" "That bowl... cost me 5 grand." " Really?" " Yeah." "Mm-hmm." "What about this?" "Listen,I told you the truth already." "Ooh!" "Look,you can destroy this whole goddamn apartment." "It's not gonna make a shit lick of a difference." "Oh." "Oh,no." "Oh,no,no,no!" "Give me that!" "Give me that!" "No,no,no,no!" "Give me that..." "Nope." "I want the whole truth." "Ok!" "God!" "Ooh..." "You were sober- you were sober when you first came over." "***" "I remember breaking the news to you,I remember you... getting pissed off,and I remember... watching the meerkats." "You were more interested in the meerkats than my feelings." "That's such a bunch of bull" " Anyhoo!" "We watched the meerkats for" " I don't know-like, minutes or something;" "I wasn't really paying attention." "And then,that's when I realized... that apparently,this entire time... you were making drink after drink for yourself." "Actually,you weren't even making drinks;" "you were just pouring these huge glasses of vodka for yourself." "I thought that you were drinking water." "And then,the next thing I know... you were all over me, and it was getting... really hot." "And then..." "What?" "You couldn't get it up." "I tried everything." "I did." "And then,the more I tried,the madder you got." "And then you flipped out, and then you picked up this, like,vase or something-I don't know- and hit the gas lantern antiquey thing that I bought." "And so I ran upstairs to go get the fire extinguisher... and then I heard this- this huge explosion, and you came running up the stairs to get me, and then I saw you-I saw you fall backwards down the stairs." "So... you're telling me... you tried everything?" "Even the... tongue thing that you sometimes do?" "I tried it... twice." "I got to go." "No,wait." "I- wait." "Where are you going?" "I got to talk to eddie." "My hearing's in,like,an hour." "I'll call you when we decide which story we're gonna use." "Christ." "It's not that funny." "Oh,no,it's not just funny,man,it is brilliant." "Shh." "What,huh?" "Brilliant how?" "Because,I am telling you, this is manna from heaven." "Well,I know it's good,but- No,no,no,listen,listen." "Every time you been in there, you been feeding them this... convoluted couple of tales of alcohol and passing out and it's all pretty suspicious." "Mm-hmm." "Right,but this- god damn, this is perfect,you know?" "First,it tells how the fire started,right?" "Right." "It was truly accidental." " Yeah." "Second,it shows you doing your dead-level best to save her,which goes to character." "And third,it gives a plausible reason why you didn't want to confess to the truth in the first place-the fact that you couldn't get it up." "Shh." "Your limp,lifeless little dick might actually save your a your ass." "Works fine now." "5 more minutes,jerry." "It's lookin' good." "Hey,ma." "How you feelin'?" "You look good." "Oh,look who's here again." "Oh,hey,marlene." "Oh,and look at the balloons and the flowers." "You're a lucky woman,mrs." "Silletti, to have such a sweet boy to take care of you." "I have to shift her now." "She's got significant skin breakdown." "You can wait outside." "Oh,I'll stay." "It's quite painful,michael." "I'm not sure you want to be here." "No,I'm not leaving her." "Michael." "I'll stay." "Ok." "Here we go,mrs." "Silletti." " Ohhh..." " Ok." "Which one is he?" "Number 11,do-rag." " Whoo,shit." " Yes." "Kid's the second coming,isn't he?" "Yeah,he's the black jackie ryan." "Why can't he just be a kick-ass baller without being the black version of some old white guy?" "'Cause I'm a lieutenant." "I get to say what I want." "I could have said he was "the chocolate jackie ryan," but I didn'T." "Jesus,even basketball makes you think of chocolate." "No,basketball makes me think of pumpkin, which makes me think of pie,which makes me think of whipped cream." "This probie makes me think of chocolate." "Oh." "Man,he does have all the skills." "Yes,he does,and everyone out here just licking their lips for him." "Look,murph the surf,75 truck." "Jimmy the jew from 66." "Hey,you know,I thought jimmy was famous for,like,hating jewish guys." "Oh,gotcha." "We're gonna have to make this kid a serious offer." "Yeah,like what?" "I don't know." "You know,no grunt work- no sweeping the floors,no cleaning up the shitter." "Nah,nah,tommy ain't gonna go for that." "Well,you know what?" "If we want a winning hoops team again, we're gonna have to pay the price." "They're gonna offer this kid the world." "Shit,the last time murph pulled a hot shooter out of the probie school, the kid didn't even see his first fire for,like,6 months." "Ok,now,look." "Laugh,put your arm around me like I said something funny." "What?" "Come on,he's coming right over here." "I want to promote racial harmony in the house." "Come on,quick." "All right,promise me I don't have to clean the kitchen after dinner next shift." " Blow me." " All right." "No kitchen deal,no racial harmony." "Here he comes." "Ok,ok,ok." " Fat-ass irish donkey." " You sneaky little spic." "Hello?" "Franco,it's me." "High-five me." "Uh,hey,what's going on,man?" "I need you to come get me." "Go low." "Uh,richie,I'm a little bit busy right now." "And I also need $2,000. 4." "What?" "Where are you?" "Oh,what?" "Is it impossible for you to put your own lunch in knapsack?" "You know,when I was your age" " You didn't have backpacks or buses or electricity." "Very funny,smarty pants." "Did you wake up your sister?" "She's already gone." "Oh,ok." "Good." "So go." "Go." "Go,go,go." " Mom?" " Mm-hmm?" "Does the new baby hate you?" "No,no,of course not." "It's just-he's colicky, which means" " He pukes a lot." "I know." "Can we name him puke face?" "No." "Ok,go,go,go." "Go." "Bye,mom." "Bye,puke face." "Hey." "Flying colors,huh?" "Well,the doctors have to check all the bells and whistles,you know- ekg and blood work." "Someone from headquarters will give you a call." "Ah,that's great." "Look,I never felt better in my life." "I just had to buy a new suit for my son's wedding." "Old one's too big." "Good for you." "Congratulations on both fronts." "Mm-hmm." "So do you like his fiancee?" "Yeah." "She's a real doll." "Good." "And as I was showing a customer these rings,your... son?" "Brother... in-law,possibly,in the future." "He grabbed one and stuck it in his mouth." "Nigger." "Ok,that's it." "Look,I don't care if he is retarded." "If he says that again,we're gonna have a serious problem." "Sir,I understand,all right?" "He's got,like,a tourette's thing going on and he's a little,you know,slow." "Richie,just please apologize." "No." "Rich." "I want that ring,franco." "Buy me that ring!" "That ring costs more than i make in a goddamn month,rich." "Hey,hey,yo." "I'm sorry." "We can't afford to buy anything in here,all right?" "Now,rich,please,say you're sorry." "I'm very,very sorry I tried to eat the ring." "And I'm sorry that we wasted your time tonight,ok?" "Come on,rich." "I'm sorry." "Whoa." "That is dope." "Uh,sir,I'm sorry." "Just on a lark,what would something like that ring right there- what would that go for?" "That would be 37... hundred." "Hundred." "My girlfriend would love that one,too." "Yeah,well,you know, quite frankly,rich, we could buy your girlfriend a beveled glass doorknob and it'd keep her mollified for at least a month." "You know where to get one of those?" "Yeah." "Come on." "Dr. Lowry?" "Oh,mike." "Good morning." "Morning." "She seems,uh,worse today." "She's-she's coughing a lot." "Mike,we got the most recent blood work back and the biopsy." "Yeah?" "It's not good." "She's she's got two more major malignant polyps, and the lower intestine is being eaten away very quickly." "We can't remove any more of it." "We could operate again, but we'd have to operate several more times over the next few weeks." "Or we could try another round of aggressive radiation therapy, which would significantly weaken her immune system." "I'm afraid that's her best chance." "So,um,she's gonna be fine then?" "Ok." "Michael,I want you to listen to me very carefully." "It's not good." "The chances of your mother's recovery are very,very,very... slim." "You mean, like-like... like slim like when the red sox are down to the yanks 3 games to zero, and they're,like, suddenly" " Slim to none,ok?" "Slim to none." "Closer to none." "Much closer." "Wow." "Talk about dropping the bomb." "And that's my mom we're talking about,not some goddamn baseball team." "I" " I know my mom." "She... she's like-she's like the babe ruth of moms." "If anyone can beat cancer,she can." "What?" "Mike,babe ruth-he,uh... he actually died from cancer." " Oh." "Yeah,ok." "Look,I'm really sorry,michael." "I'll talk to you later,ok?" " Hey." " Hey." "How's the coffee?" "Coffee's good." "Was that your,um" " That was-that was my porno,yeah." "Wow." "I just started thinking about it from your point of view,sean." "And I thought about it and i realized that I was wrong and you were right." "I was emasculating you in order to get myself off." "I was injecting my former fantasies into a present-day relationship." "Totally unfair,totally unnecessary,'cause I have you." "You are so sweet and gorgeous, and you're here and now." "So I'm all done with porno." "I'm all yours,sean." "Wow,that's-thank you so much,maggie,really." "That's just a really nice gesture on your part,really." "So good." "Ok." "Ok,'cause I was getting sick of always hiding that box." "Yeah,I was getting sick of looking for it." "Yeah,and always having to dust off those dvds." "Can't imagine how dusty they get." "Yeah." "Yeah,so I guess it's back to the old spank bank for mags." "Hey,honey,did you get my tampons?" "Honey,jesus." "Did you just say... maggie?" "Did you just say "spank bank"?" "Well,yeah." "Wow." "So you-you actually have a" " A spank bank?" "Yeah,yeah,a huge one." "Oh,I know,I know." "You think only men have spank banks." "But don't forget that I grew up around tommy,the king of the spank bank." "I learned from the master how to store up all my eager little fantasies and then access them in my mind whenever I feel the need to get off." "Huh." "I haven't done that in a while,though." "Speaking of which,don't you have somewhere you have to be?" "Well,I-no,I-not at all,really." "What,what?" "You don't have a spank bank?" "Yeah,of course I have a spank bank." "I'm a guy,but- So am I in it?" "Yeah,yeah,of course." "You're in it in a variety of ways." "What about me?" "Am I in yours?" "Well,I-I'm gonna be putting you in this afternoon." "Maggie" " I just said I haven't been using the goddamn thing!" "Sean,sean,sean." "Sweetie." "Ahem." "I,uh..." "I feel,uh,like I'm better prepared to,uh, illuminate you about what went on that night." "And why would that be,mr." "Gavin?" "Well,um... you know,I've put-ahem-I've put some thought into it-ahem." "And I think,um,um... uh,you know,I'm more capable of-of presenting the facts." "Perfect." "We are eager to listen." "Um-ahem." "Does she have to be in here?" "Yes,she does." "She's the recording secretary." "Please,continue,mr." "Gavin." "Hey,tommy,how'd it go in there?" "It went fine,all right?" "It went fine." "Hey,don't worry about the chick,huh?" "All right?" "Who's she gonna tell?" "15,20 people,tops." "Look,the important thing is that sheila is backing us up." "We're ready for you." "Now after we get past this thing, the next fire you have to put out is the one down at headquarters,all right?" "I called down there about 10 times already." "Nobody's calling me back." "Fdny,man." "Ain't like it used to be." "It's all bea it's all bean counters and brown nosers now." "Guys like me?" "Dying breed." "Oh,yeah." "Yeah,with the drinking and the drugging and the mistresses and the lying and the cheating,yeah." "World ain't what it used to be,huh,tom?" "Hey,we got to go." "Teddy's jury just came in." "Is that good or bad?" "Look,if I had to bet right now on your case or teddy's,I'd have to call it even." "Why's that?" "Because they both hinge on the same thing." "Which is?" "Dead dicks." "Ha ha ha!" "So,no slide show then,right?" "Dad." "Come on." "I mean,you were such a cute kid." "Remember when you had that lead in the elvis musical?" ""Bye,bye,birdie." "" Dad" " Yeah,and how about the junior prom,the beach?" "Remember,tommy had that really,really bad sunburn?" "Dad,no slide show." "It's a wedding reception, not a birthday party." "Just a quick little speech." "Hey!" "Ok,I got it." "Who told you to move this shit?" "Hey." "Hey,jer,how are you?" "Well,I'm doing ok." "I just come back from my stress test,passed with flying colors." " That's great." " Yeah,it's great." "You believe these...?" "What are you standing around for?" "Oh,wait,needles." "Hold on,guys." "I told them to do that." "It's been just sitting there for about 5 years." "Nobody's touched it." "Just taking up space,so i figured I'd put the lockers back where they used to be, and then I want to take a couple of" " I touch it." "Huh?" "Yeah,me and chief pecker." "We got a best-of-7 going." "We play between shifts." "I'm up 3-nothing." "Oh." "Oh,well,good." "Then I'll just have them throw it down in the basement so this way you guys" " No,you see,it's better up here." "That way,if we get a call, we just jump in the suburban." "You're shittin' me I mean, you want me to rearrange my rearrangement because of you two julio fangulios?" "Oh,ok." "Hey,guys,guys." "Give us a minute,huh?" "Thank you." "All right,look,jer, this is your house." "I know that." "But me and chief pecker,you got to give us a break here." "What?" "Hey,look,we're covering for you, and we got no problem doing it." "Happy to help,jerry,but you come waltzing in here, these guys don't know which way to look." "I mean,it's hard enough to keep these mugs in line, but we're doing our best." "You can't keep whacking us off at the knees like this." "Oh,is that what I'm doing?" "I'm just saying,jer" " And I'm just saying to you,needles, you just shut your mouth and tell chief peckerhead to do the same thing." "You want to go and play chief,you go play in some other goddamn house." "This is my house." "I make the rules,all right?" "These are my guys." "I keep these mugs in line,and that's including you and the other guy." "Now,I'm gonna go upstairs in my office and get it ready for when I come back to full duty in a couple of weeks." "You want to make yourself useful?" "Go get me a cup of coffee." "Make it black." "Get that piece of shit out of here and put the lockers back where I told you to." "Hello?" "Yeah, this is she." "Her absence?" "When, today?" "No, no, that's not possible." "No, I mean, I didn't see her leave for school this morning." "I have a new baby here, but every other day this week, she's left at her regular time." "3 days?" "Ok, thank you." "A victory celebration this morning at the courthouse in lower manhattan, as 54-year-old theodore gavin is being released." "Gavin's closely watched murder trial ended moments ago when the jury handed down a not-guilty verdict, a result influenced in no small part by the very vocal support gavin received from the mothers against drunk driving." " Mr. Gavin, how do you feel?" " I feel great!" "I want to thank the girls from mothers against drunk driving." "They do nice work, and the first thing I'm gonna do today is raise a glass in their honor." "Not while driving, of course." "Mr. Gavin, now that you're a free man, what are you looking forward to most?" "Oh, I'm looking forward to a lot of things:" "A nice, big breakfast, a trip up to aqueduct, and finally being able to sleep on my stomach again!" "See ya!" "So how's your thing going, tommy?" "Well, I'm waiting to hear, you know?" "Good." "I hope you don't have to go to jail." " Yeah, me, too." " What'd you say that for?" " Hello?" " I'm trying to be nice." " Hey, it's me." " What's up?" "Hey, colleen hasn't been to school in at least 3 days." "What?" "Yeah, and that's not the worst part." "I think she may have run away." " Why?" " Why?" "Oh, let's see." "Your affair with her aunt, your possible jail sentence, your drinking." "Yeah, how about your affair with my brother and then having an affair with me while you're having an affair with my brother, huh?" "How about that?" "Sorry, it's the wife." "You know?" "I don't mean "why"- psychologically, emotionally "why"" "I mean, "why do you think she ran away" why?" "Because she emptied out her bra and panty drawer, and no girl does that unless she's leaving for a long, long time." "Hey." "When a girl takes off and she takes all her bras and panties with her, what does that mean?" "It means she's going to the laundromat." "Really?" "Yeah, and she's never back." "Where are you?" "I'm in a car with teddy and ellie." "He just got off." " Oh, um, tell her I said hello." " Janet says hello." " And congratulate teddy." " I will." "And call the police about your missing daughter." "Ok, first of all, you can't file a missing persons report for, like, the first 48 hours." " 24." " What?" "24 hours." "You can file the report in 24 hours." " How old is she?" " 18." " She have a boyfriend?" " Yeah." " Is he in a band?" " Yeah." "She'll be home in two months." "Two months?" "!" "Jesus!" " Ok, calm down." " How do you know?" "Well, I ran away with a lead guitarist when I was 18." "Then, two months later, I found him in bed with a groupie." "What'd you do?" "I joined in." "What do you mean, what did I do?" "I threw his guitar out the window and then I called my mother." "Is her boyfriend a lead singer?" " Uh, yeah." " Yes." "Well, then that's totally different." " That's different." " It is?" "Yeah, she'll be back in two weeks." " Two weeks?" " Take it easy." "Honey, stop crying." "That is not me, tommy." "That's the baby." "Give him some benadryl." "All right." "You know what, honey?" "Hang on a second." "You got a pen?" "What's this guy's name?" "Oh, uh, it's so italian." "Verucci." "Verucci, ok." "Where's he live?" " I don't know." " Great." "What's the name of the band?" "Christ, uh... something... fake baby head." "Why?" "Never mind why, ok?" "Here you go." " Jameson'S." " What?" "My mother." "When we were babies, she used to put a little drop of jameson's in our bottles." "Worked like a charm." "Not in this family." "I'll call you back." "You know where the secret ingredient in jameson comes from?" " Where?" " The gavin dna." "Hey, if you see a liquor store, pull over." "See?" "That is a bad idea, tom." "Here's one." "Tom, it's a bad idea." "Pull over, eddie, pull over." "All right." "I'll see you guys later." " It's a bad idea." " Yeah, it's a bad idea." "I'm doing it." "I'll see you later." "Tom Tommy." "Tom." "Hey, tom, he's right." "It's a bad idea, but since you're going in anyway, could you get me a bottle of cristal?" "Yeah, right." "Screw." "I'll see you later." "Not those little shooters" " Screw!" " Would you shut up?" "Hey, I've been away for a year." "Sir." "Hey." "Um... give me a bottle of... johnnie walker blue." "Ok." " Yeah?" " "Yeah"?" "Uh, that's a nice greeting." "Who's this?" "It's nona, you asshole." "Hey, nona." "Uh, what's up?" "All right." "So are we on for thursday night?" "Oh, shit." "You know what?" "Nona, I" "Tommy, you owe me." "I know." "You know what?" "I'm not really dating right now." "Oh, please." "Yeah, right." "I bought a goddamn dress." "Ok, I understand, but, you know... it just doesn't make any sense, nona." "I got my-you know, I got a baby, I got my wife." "Oh, please, not with the wife again." "Ok, you know what?" "My daughter's missing." " What?" " Yeah." "My daughter ran away." " Oh, my god." " Yeah, ok?" "I cannot believe you would stoop to this level of bullshit." "I'm not bullshitting, ok?" "She ran away with her stupid rock star boyfriend." "Ok, ok, fine." "Sorry." "Yeah, you-you should be, all right?" "So everything takes a back seat until I find her." "Yeah." "Right." "Ok." "I got to go." "Jesus." " How much?" " $229.98." "Jesus christ." "It's whiskey, right?" "40-year-old whiskey, sir." "What, are you charging me 8 bucks a year?" "There you go." "Michael." "How are you feeling?" "I want you to do something for me." "Anything, ma." "Kill me." "I'm-I'm sorry, mom." "The machines and so much stuff." "I couldn't quite catch what you said." "Kill me." "Tonight, if you can." "But, ma..." "I don't want a long, slow, ugly death, stuck in here with these vultures looming above me, waiting for me to waste away, sucking all the money I have left into their medical vacuum." "I just want to leave with dignity." "Promise me you won't let me waste away like this." "Promise me." "I love you, mom." " I don't know if I can" " You have to." "I don't want to die a penniless vegetable." "Put me out of my misery." "Please." "Ok." "I'll do it." "Good." "Mommy loves you, baby." "Now go find something to kill me with." "Honey, I got to get something out in the open." " What?" " I know how you are." "You're into guys that are cooped up, and once they get sprung, you lose interest." "At least that's how it's been, right?" " Oh, but" " Let Let me finish, darling." "The way I feel about you," "I'll cut right to the chase." "You want to let me go, do it now." "Don't drag it out." "I'd rather get my heart broken now." "Oh, theodore." "You're right." "I used to be that way." "But I've changed." "Your love has transformed me." "I will never leave you, never." "Oh... that's fantastic." "I got to go to the can." "Hey, where do the probie wannabes come out after their- thank you." " Kenny shea." " Hey, jimmy the jew." " Not funny." " Very funny." "If you're waiting on that black point guard, get in goddamn line." " Who says I'm waiting on him?" " Common goddamn sense." " He's mine." " Oh." "You know, here's a heads-up." "A guy named abraham lincoln freed the slaves, and then Ibj, he re-freed them." "This was decades ago." "One more thing." "There's millions and millions of jews roaming the world, untethered, including right here in the big apple." "Hell, you might as well call it the big bagel now." "I'm gettin' that kid, all right?" "And if you try to steal him away from me," "I'll use any piece of dirt I can dig up on you or gavin or anyone else in your lowlife goddamn house." "Anything." "Yeah, well..." " good luck with that." " Yeah." "Johnny always got me one of tse on my birthday." "He knew I loved the stuff." "It was during the 6 months or so it'd take me to polish it off that every time I looked the label, I'd see his name and I'd think of him." "I still think of him, tommy." "Every goddamn day, I think of him." "We all do." "But, you know, you can't go banging around every day with that kind of guilt, you know?" "I mean, my job..." "I get 5, 6 shoulda woulda coulda situations a year, and..." "I mean, 9/11 alone." "That morning, I got a" "I got a million shoulda woulda couldas just from that morning alone, you know?" "I know, man, but... he was my partner, you know?" "Anyway..." "How's-how's the baby?" "Spitting image?" "He looks, um, a lot like his mother, actually." "So, um, you remember when at johnny's funeral, you said, you know, any time I needed anything, you know, I could call you?" "Yeah, anything." "Look..." "I feel like..." "I feel like I owe your family so much, man." "Right." "Anyways... do you remember colleen, my oldest?" "She ran away with her scumbag boyfriend." " She's 18 now?" " Yeah." "Her mother just, you know, completely yessed her to death from the time-she's spoiled." "I mean, when she was small," ""yes" this, "yes" that, "anything you want, sweetheart,"" ""yes, yes, yes. " Blah blah blah." "Now, of course, you know, she's 18 years old and then pulls the ultimate test on her mother  she runs away from home." " Actually... in a lot of these cases, tommy, both parents are at fault, bro." "Yeah." "You gonna help me or what?" "We usually wait at least 24 hours." " Plus, she's legal, bro." " I understand." "Are you even gonna cut me some slack or what?" "Yeah." "Give me the boyfriend's name." "This is his name." "That's a band name." "He's in a band." "Now I don't have an address or anything, but colleen told her mother that his band plays in all those joints down on the lower east side, so..." " Least I can do, bro." " Yeah." "I would hope so." "Huh?" "I said johnny-johnny'd be proud." "Always here, man." "Are you worried?" "Huh?" "I said are you worried?" "Yeah, I'm worried." "Well, how can you fall asleep, then?" "Because somewhere between... me sleeping with her aunt and you sleeping with her uncle, I thought maybe we'd come to a little bit of a mexican standoff." "Ow!" "God damn it." "You slept with sheila first." "Ok, ok." "Yeah, when we were separated." "Who had sex first, huh?" "Oh, that we can prove?" " That might be her." " Ok." "You stay here." "I'll go." "Just the neighbors." " You want a water?" " No." "Hey." "Colleen?" " Tommy?" " Yeah." "You all right?" "Yeah, I'm fine." "Tom Tommy, the baby." "Yeah, ok." "I got it, I got it." " Any word on mike's mom yet?" " No, nothing." "He's basically just gonna move in with her, sit in the room and wait." "Hey, you got something." "Huh?" "What?" "Hey, why are you touching me?" "You had some schmutz on you." "Sorry, it's the baby." "Hey, guys, uh, can I ask you something?" "Oh, here we go." "What?" "What do you mean, "here we go"?" "Well, whenever you say, "hey, guys, can I ask you something?"" "We're either gonna end up in some ridiculous, dead-end, incredibly moronic conversation, or you're gonna say something so stupid that we're gonna spend the night unable to sleep because we keep thinking back about what you said" "and laughing our tired asses off, not like it's gonna stop you." "My grandmother's lemon chicken, by the way, so eat slow, you dumb irish micks." "Proceed, sean." "Thank you." "Ok, you know how, uh... porn has come out, like, on dvd, so it's, like, really cheap and available and you can go onto the internet and it's, like, right there, kind of pop-uppable..." " Yeah?" " In your face?" "Well, here's my question:" "Do you guys-you know, do you still use... the old spank bank?" "Finally, a perfect fit for some fine dinner conversation." " Congratulations, garrity." " You're welcome." "I'll play." "My wife's a snoop." "I don't use a computer." "I hate my wife and I have a lot of romantic regrets, so my spank bank's open every goddamn day." "Who you got, "t"?" "Ellen degeneres." "What?" "You guys seen her dance?" "Ok, you know what?" "It's official now." "You definitely need some sleep." "Nils?" "This chicken." "Jesus, lou." "Yeah, well, my grandmother will be very proud." "Thank you." "Frank?" "Um, yeah, you know, I usually keep a rotating stable of, like, a dozen or so women in my bank:" "Famous chicks, chicks I've saved in fires, chicks I meet at my actual bank." "That's my bank spank bank." "But ever since I met natalie, you know, she's the only one in there." "I might be in love." "Love in the spank bank." "That allowed?" "Well, in franco's case, we'll make an exception." "Who do you got, lou?" "Well, you're assuming I get to jerk off, which... in my case, seeing as how I'm dating a sex-crazed ex-nun, it's not the case." "I make a move for my joint, 9 times out of 10, she's already saddled up and ready for the ride." "All right, well, when you were jerking off?" "An eclectic mix:" "Jessica lange, jessica biel." "Jesus, lou, she's old enough to be your daughter." "Yeah, bingo." "Sally field." "Now or "gidget"?" "No, "flying nun," which might explain my current situation." "How 'bout you, hot stuff?" "Well, at this stage of the game, my wife's got a bigger bank than I do." "I'm eating." "Let me think, though." "Scarlet johansson." " Oh, yeah." " For sure." "Jennifer aniston, jennifer garner, uh, barbara hirsch." "Who?" "She was this chick I went to high school with." "Uh, brittany klein, another chick I went to high school with." "Karen posnowski." "Whoo!" "She was on the swim team." "Uh, janet." "Uh, let's see." "This chick I met, um" "Janet who?" "What?" "Janet who?" "Janet... uh, jana... kowski." "She was, uh, on the debate team." "She was so hot." "She was really-she could really debate." " Who else?" " Uh" " Shit." "Give me the knives." "What?" "What's happening?" " Give me your knife." " What's happening?" "I don't understand." "Anyway, where was I?" "Uh-oh, the chick that we- remember the-remember the" "I think you were talking about my wife," " that's what I think." " No, god!" " I was not talking-your wife?" " Yes, you were." "You're jerking off to my wife." "No!" "Oh, my god!" "That's what you said." "Yes, you did." " Tom, I would never" " You just said it." " Yes, you did." "You said" " I did not." "Yes, you did." "Yes, you did." " Yes, you did." " I d I did?" "Yes, yes." "Ok, I did, but let me explain." "It was the picnic a few years ago, ok?" "Remember, she showed up with the white blouse on and it was kind of see-through, you know, and then we had a water balloon fight!" "I mean, come on!" "The water balloon fight?" "Come on." "You guys remember the water balloon fight, right?" "Come on." "Guys, help me out." "Oh, my god!" "Come on!" "Ohhh..." "Tommy, listen." "You're jerking off to my wife?" " I never jerk off to janet" " Ah, ah, ah!" "Don't use her name in the same sentence." "Ok, if you just let me explain, it's very innocent." "Ok, yeah." "Explain, explain." " In my mind..." " In your mind." "She-she just kind of wanders in" " and she happens" " She wanders in where?" "She wanders into my mind, and she comes in wearing the same white blouse, and it's see-through and wet and clingy," " and she tries to seduce me, ok?" " And she does what?" "She-she tries to seduce me, ok?" "She tries to un-un..." " blouse herself." " Janet tried to unblouse herself?" "From the clingy, wet blouse, but here's the thing." "I don't-I don't do it." "I run-I run away." "I run into the arms of janet- janet-fer aniston." "You believe-this is- he's married to my sister and he's jerking off to my wife." " No, I'm not." " I mean, I-I-y-yeah." "It's just a matter of time before my 18-year-old daughter." "Excuse me." "Come here!" "Never fails." "Yeah?" "********* ******" "They said that we should know something in the next couple days." "Who Who was the guy?" " What guy?" " The guy." "I know." "Just kidding." "What do you mean?" "You don't remember him?" " No." " That's my vollie." "That's my lifesaver." "He's the one that pulled me out." "You're dating the guy who saved your life?" "Yeah!" "He's cute, he's sweet, he's strong." "He's 12, ok?" "Such a cliche." "You know what?" "I got to tell you something." "You know what?" "I got to go." "Hello?" "Hey, nona, what's going on?" "You ready for our, uh, big date?" "Oh, tommy." " Yeah, I thought you had a, um" " No." " You gonna back out on me?" " No." "So, I thought you had to find your daughter." "Yeah, yeah, we found her." "Oh." "Well, that's great." "So thursday, right?" "Yes, it's a date." "All right." "I'll call you tomorrow." " Ok." " All right." "Luis, what's up?" " I got her." " You found her?" "Yeah." "Ninth, between "c" and "D."" "Ok, I'm on my way." "This guy's been picked up before, tommy." "Drug possession, drunk and disorderly, multiple times." "Yeah, what a surprise." "I got no reason to shake him down right now, so... hurry up." "Ok, I'm coming now." "I'll be there in 5 minutes." "Guys, they found colleen." "Let's go." "Hey!" "Where you going?" "They found colleen." "Faster, nils." "Hey, tom, we're not even legally on a call, all right?" "You know, you got insurance investigators breathing down your neck, we got headquarters crawling up your ass." "Do you really want more shit on the plate right now?" "It's my goddamn daughter, lou."