"10 bucks she drops everything." "20 bucks she's in the wrong building." "Dude, I know her." "Can I help you?" "Oh, thank you." "I'm Bobby." "We've ridden the elevator together." "Oh, you probably know me better like this." "Oh, now I recognize you." "Gloria Danforth." "The pleasure is mine." "This is my roommate, Barry." "Hey, what's up, lady?" "Thank you so much, Bobby." "Well, if you ever need anything, I'm in apartment 402." "I'm always glad to lend a hand." "Uh, just to be clear, he's not speaking for the whole apartment." "I got my own problems." "Well, since you're offering, there is something." "Um, I'm attending a social function tomorrow night." "I'm wondering if you would escort me." "I'll pay you for your time." "I'd be glad to take you, Ms. Danforth." "You don't have to pay me." "Oh, that's very kind of you, but I insist." "Well, then I insist on showing you a good time." "Well, I can take these now." "What?" "You have no idea what just happened, do you?" "Yeah, she's paying me to go to a party." "Old rich chicks rule." "Think about it, Bobby: an elderly lady who probably hasn't been with a man for a while is paying to be escorted... by a young, good-looking guy..." "See where I'm going with this?" "Are you hitting on me?" "No." "She's not paying you for your company." "She's paying to have sex with you." "You're a whore." "No, it's not like that." "She--she just wants somebody to talk to." "Don't kid yourself." "At the end of the night, Old Mother Hubbard is expecting a bone." "Please tell me that corned beef isn't leftover from my grandma's funeral." "Dude, if it's bad, my body will reject it." "Yeah, well, let your body reject it in Ben's bathroom." "Well, we can't all afford a fancy seafood dinner every night." "Uh, I'm eating fish sticks that are, like, 99 cents a box." "It's--it's barely even fish." "Hey, Chuckles, why are you in such a good mood?" "Love to tell ya, but I can't." "Why not?" "It's confidential." "If you don't tell us, I'll have no other option but to assume, once again, that you're gay." "I can say this" "It's a good thing, and it has to do with work." "Work?" "So it's a boring secret." "Look, come on, Jas, it's just us." "Okay, fine." "But you all have to swear you'll never mention this to another soul." "This meat is fizzy on the tongue." "Okay, Mr. Thorpe handpicked me to work on his most prestigious project" "We're turning the Wrightwood Building into upscale condos." "The Wrightwood?" "Isn't that low income housing?" "What's gonna happen to the tenants?" "They'll have the option to buy." "Is this project even legal?" "I assume so." "We have a legal department." "Okay." " What?" " Nothing." " What?" "!" " Nothing!" "Join us next week for another installment of Passive-Aggressive Theater." "No, look, look." "I think it's great for you." "I mean, it's not so great for the people you're gonna kick out of their homes, but hey, it's funny, 'cause they're poor." "The building is practically falling apart as it is, and you're really missing the point here." "I get to wear a hard hat." "That reminds me of the summer I worked construction." "One day I didn't wear my hard hat, another guy's hard hat fell on my head." "That's called irony." "Look, I just think you might be putting your career ahead of your values." "Look, if I didn't do this, somebody else would." "It's just business." "If it's just business, why is it so top secret?" "Because the deal's not closed yet." "I think it sounds shady." "I think you sound jealous." "Of what?" "Well, Jason's working on something cool." "What are you working on?" "I'm writing a very important feature article." "Oh, yeah, that's right, that hard-hitting piece for Redbook on the splendors of spinach." "It's not just about spinach!" "There's also a sidebar on kale and Swiss chard." "Oh, oh!" "And no one got evicted during the writing of my article." "Okay." "I have to go buy a blueprint tube." "I'm gonna look just like Mike Brady." "Question." "Are you gonna eat that?" "Help yourself." "Thanks, Mr. Brady." "And listen, if this bothers you so much, maybe you should invite some poor people to come live with you." "I already did." "Hey, Ben, I read your article in Wired magazine about the three-button mouse." "I showed it to all my friends." "I was like, "I give coffee to that dude."" "Thanks, Toni, but I'm trying to get back to my roots, you know-- serious journalism." "Oh." "Well, you know what you should write about?" "Baristas. 'Cause, like, things can get pretty wild back here." "Thanks, Toni." "I'll keep that in mind." "Dana Stone." "From New York magazine?" "Yes..." "Ben Wolfe." "Remember, I wrote some pieces for you." "You guys named me "Writer to Watch."" "Wolfe..." "Wasn't that five years ago?" "M-Might've been." "It might--might've been." "Look, I would love to write something for you guys." "I-I--actually, I've called and left a bunch of messages." "Is your voicemail working?" "Yes." "Okay, well, I-- um, I was calling to see if you had any open assignments." "Oh, you mean, I could just give you a story, and you'd write it?" "Yeah, that'd be great." "Yeah, that's not gonna happen." "You got any ideas to pitch?" "Well, of course." "Yeah, I've got plenty of ideas, you know..." "God, where to begin?" "You know?" "Where to begin?" "Um... uh..." "Oh!" "Well, all right, how about a piece on baristas?" "'Cause it can get pretty wild back there." "See ya in another five years." "Wait, wait, there's a secret plot to evict poor tenants from the Wrightwood." "What was that?" "Thomas Thorpe has plans to turn it into luxury condos." "He's gonna put hundreds of people out on the street." "It's extremely hush-hush." "But I have an inside source." "Write it up." "If it's good, and it checks out, we'll buy it." "Really?" "That--that's great." "I'll talk to my source." "That's gonna be fun." "Danger, Will Robinson." "Danger." "Thanks again, Mrs. Danforth." "I had a great time." "Oh, I already pressed 7 for you." "That one's on me." "Oh, thank you, Bobby." "Well, well, well." "Did you get to drive Miss Daisy?" "We didn't have sex, sicko." "Yeah, right." "Hey, seriously, you should go get, uh, tested tomorrow." "See if she gave you cataracts." "Are you done?" "No, no, two more" " Um..." "Are they real?" "And--and by that, I mean her teeth." "And finally, did you get to 89 her?" "All right, now I'm done." "Good, 'cause I'm telling ya, I was totally right." "No sex." "Come on, really?" "Yeah, it was-- it was all about companionship." "And it was fun." "Free grub, interesting conversation." "Did you know that before World War II," "World War I was just called "The War"?" "She paid you just to hang out with her?" "That doesn't make any sense." "These ladies are loaded." "In fact, tomorrow night we're going to a party at the club again." "And she wants me to find an escort for one of her friends." "What up, Goobish?" "Hey, you wanna get paid to go out with an old lady?" "No, I swear, you don't have to." "300 bucks, dude." "Whoa-- 300 bucks?" "Yeah." "Uh--ahem." "Sorry, Goobish, the position's been filled." "Hey, hey." "I made your favorite breakfast." "Huh?" "Yeah, soy omelet, soy bacon, and soy milk." "Hey, that's my birthday breakfast." "What's going on?" "Uh, nothing, I just felt bad about what I said yesterday." "You know, you're not a sellout." "Well, thank you very much." "And you're not a self-righteous jerk." "You didn't call me that." "I did in my blog." "Do you mind if I take this to go?" "Whoa, where you going?" "Well, you're not gonna like this, but I have to go post eviction notices down at the Wrightwood." "Hey, it's your business." "Just like... my business is writing articles." "Like the one I'm going to write for New York magazine about your condo deal." "What?" "!" "I told you that in confidence." "Let go of me!" "Promise not to hit me." "Oh, I'm gonna hit ya!" "Listen, I was desperate, okay?" "And this story could be" "No biting!" "No biting!" "No biting!" "Look, this story could be the one that gets my career back on track." "But it could cost me my career." "I promise no one will know you're my source." "Get!" "Off!" "Me!" "Right!" "Now!" "Jason" " I'm doing the right thing here." "We both know it." "Write that article, and I will never trust you again." "Oh, come on." "Wait, no" " Come on, man!" "Finish your breakfast." "You know what?" "I'm not eating your damn breakfast." "Guys, free food." "What's this?" ""Notice of eviction"?" "Uh..." "Yeah, that's the name of my band." "We're playing tonight at Roseland." "We're getting kicked out?" "Yeah." "Look, I'm really sorry about this." "I guess it's not your fault." "Just doing your job." "Oh, so you get that?" "Great." "It's just that there's not that many places where a single mother can live on minimum wage." "Yeah..." "Especially with my medical bills." "Right..." "But I guess I should focus on the positive." "They're talking about naming a syndrome after me." "So there's-- that." "Oh, thank you, Bobby." "That really takes me back to the old days." "Me too." "Swing dancing was huge in 1998." "So then the armless guy says to the nun," ""Well, how do you think I rang the doorbell?"" "Whoa, whoa--get a load of that guy's rug." "Hey, hey, we get it, Davy Crockett." "You fought in the Alamo." "You can take off the cap now." "Isn't he a stitch?" "It's like having Mickey Rooney at our table." "Hey, Bar." "Should we snag these lovely ladies some refills?" "Absolutely, in fact, we better get a bunch." "These ladies are tossing 'em back just like it's the day after Prohibition." "I know you drank a lot then, huh?" "Look like you're doing okay." "Doing okay?" "I am killing!" "They just called me Mickey Rooney." "Who's that?" "I have no idea." "But I'll be he's hilarious and quite a stud." "Crazy, huh?" "We get treated like rock stars just 'cause we were born recently." "Thank you so much, Bobby." "This is, like, the easiest 300 bucks I've ever made." "I told you it was a cush job." "Check this out" "They got some kick-ass old lady snacks." "Dude-- it's a cookie that looks like a pretzel." "No wonder they're "the greatest generation."" "Gloria, thank you for introducing me to Barry." "He's a little fire cracker." "Well, I know you like them feisty." "I sure do." "In fact, I think it's time for me to take him back to the reading room and get my money's worth." "Oh, Edna, you're terrible!" "Leave them off." "J ason?" "I've decided to help you with your article." "Really?" "Oh, that's great, man." "I knew you'd come around." "Um, why are the lights off?" "I can't look you in the eye." "I'm too ashamed I'm about to betray the company that's been so good to me." "And I'm also binging on double fudge chunk." "Oh, you even got your fat spoon." "So, uh, what do you have for me?" "Well, I did some nosing around." "Turns out the zoning commissioner's on my company's payroll." "We sent him and his wife on a trip to Barbados." "Got the receipts to prove it." "These are your ice cream receipts." "Man, how much did you buy?" "Underneath." "This is amazing." "This is exactly what I needed." "Just leave my name out of it." "Don't worry-- they won't know who you are." "But they're gonna know who I am." "I'm gonna show New York the real Thomas Thorpe." "I'd like to see his PR machine get him out of this one." "Yes!" "You're drunk with power right now, aren't you?" "I got a little buzz going, yeah." "Jason, thanks." "I mean, I know how important your job is to you." "I'm glad that you realize this is more important." "No, what's more important is that you get out of this room right now, because I forgot to take my Lactaid." "So Ben passes it to Danny Brohmer." "Danny kicks it to me." "Little bit of juke-juke and boom!" "Goal number four." "It's like that day I was the David Beckham of Temple Emmanuel." "Fascinating." "Man, that meal was amazing." "And so easy to chew." "I've had nothing but ramen and fish sticks for three weeks." "Well, get a load of this guy." "In '48, he's club president." "'49 he gets bumped down to social chair." "That has gotta suck." "Barry, come over here and sit by me." "Yes, Mrs. Grayson." "Call me Edna." "Edna!" "That--that's my grandma's name." " Oh, that's so nice!" " Yeah." "Did your grandma ever do this?" "Not cool, Edna!" "Not cool!" "Oh... come on." "What did you think this was about?" "I--I'm your escort." "A little conversation, some dancing, make you feel young again." "I did not agree to tongue play." "Did you really think I was going to spend $300 to hear you blather on about your impossibly dull life?" "Whoa--no--no, don't unbutton, don't unbutton!" "Okay." "You first." "I'd like to see what I'm buying." "You don't want to go back to fish sticks, do you, Barry?" "Then strip." "I'm telling you, Bobby, this is the piece that's gonna get my career back on track." "Listen to this ending" ""Thomas Thorpe may soon discover that even the most effective public relations machine cannot mask the corruption underlying his Wrightwood redevelopment."" "Mm." "What do you think?" "That's my "Writer to Watch."" "What do you think of this?" "It's darling." "Why are you knitting?" "Mrs. Danforth taught me." "Keeps my joints limber and my mind active." "Hey, Jason." "Nana." "I got some news that should make you very happy." "I told Thorpe I got wind of an article exposing the Wrightwood deal." " Y-You told him?" " Yeah." "You know that stuff you said about how it would ruin his image?" "The last thing he wants is a scandal." "So I suggested he come forward, saying he had discovered corruption." "He saves the Wrightwood Building, and he comes out looking like a hero." "So you killed the deal." "We killed the deal." "Aren't you happy?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "Oh, fiddlesticks, I dropped a stitch." "Look, I know it kind ablows your article." "But this is more important, right?" "Right." "I'm heading to the gym." "I got 6,000 calories to burn." "Don't wait up." "There, there." "You'll feel better when this afghan's wrapped around you." "Barry, you look like crap." "I had a rough night." "But you made 300 bucks, right?" "I could only bring myself to make 75." "Just--you don't ask me how, okay?" "You just never ask me how."