"So Theresa has been watching this show about crime in the suburbs." "Which one? "Suburban murder"?" ""Death comes a knockin"?" ""Home sweet home-icide"?" ""Good morning, you're dead"?" "No, no." ""Murder Street, U.S.A."?" "(Whispers) I love that one." "Not enough murder for me." "It's scaring the crap out of her." "She should be scared." "The world's a dangerous place." "Especially for the human heart." "I am way less afraid of being killed by an intruder than I am of dying alone." "If you get killed by an intruder, you won't be alone." "You'll be with an intruder." "Anyway, now Theresa wants us to get security lights for the backyard." "I've installed security lights..." "Not well, but I've done it." "Don't let them sell you the Gibson 120s." "It's a racket." "And do not get the Johnson-Proctor 162 with the boron-magnesium core and liquid center." "God, those things piss me off." "Seems a little extreme." "What, do you got stock in 'em?" "!" "(Sighs)" "Get me two madeleines and that Sheryl Crow cd." "I'm gonna go wait in the car." "(Chair clatters)" "Will, what are you doing?" "You know he hates anything with a liquid center." "I forgot. the Winthrop 760 is a solid bulb." "It's a soft light..." "Make your intruders look like a million bucks." "Electronics stores are so boring." "There's never anything that I..." "Oh, disco balls!" "I'm gonna look for a GPS." "I thought you hated modern technology." "You said it's a godless vice that crushes everything true and human in the world." "Yes, but right then I was mainly frustrated because I couldn't get the ink going in my ballpoint pen." "And recently, I've been playing this game with Brenda's GPS where I just yell nonsense into it and go wherever it leads me." "Like, yesterday, I said this to the GPS." "(Shouts gibberish)" "(Whispers gibberish)" "Whoa." "Did I want to go to build-a-bear?" "No." "But did I come home with the cutest little fireman friend?" "Yes, I did." "It's only a matter of time before he yells... (Speaks gibberish)" "And he ends up in some Middle Eastern village having a spit fight with a camel." "Gentlemen, may I help you?" "My wife would like to feel a little bit safer in our home." "Well, then investing in a robust security system is an excellent choice." "All I'm really looking for is a couple of floodlights." "Oh, I'm sorry." "I-I misunderstood." "I didn't realize you were trying to get your family murdered." "(Exhales deeply) Excuse me?" "Lights by themselves just announce there's something in the house you're trying to protect." "He's right." "You heard about the floodlight butcher?" "He's a serial killer in Arizona." "He'd only break into people's houses who had security lights." "Oh, yeah." "Yeah, very famous." "And then there was that gang of meth heads in Florida." "They'd invade people's homes, murder them, and then they'd forget to steal stuff 'cause they were so freaking high." "Everybody lost." "What about the dog door cannibal?" "He would actually break in through the skylights, but he'd always talk about dog doors just before he ate people." "What about the picket fence mauler?" "Or the hopscotch butcher?" "Or the front porch urinater?" "Or the flapjack strangler?" "This really gives me a headache." "Craig?" "Lisa." "Hi." "God, I haven't seen you since..." "And as these two hearts wander through this world, may they each find the comfort... (Plays chord)" "(Woman gasps, guests murmuring)" "I broke up your wedding." "(Chuckles)" "Beautiful church, by the way..." "Historic, yet with ample parking." "That's unusual, isn't it?" "Craig, what you did that day was so..." "I know, I know." "Romantic." "I am really sorry." "Wait, what?" "It was an amazing gesture." "It made me bite my lip like this." "Like that?" "Mm-hmm." "In fact, Todd and I didn't get married, and we broke up a week later, and..." "I'm all alone." "Oh, my God." "That is terrible." "And who could forget the butcher shop strangler?" "Or the point-blank sniper?" "And the tap dance slasher?" "You know what?" "I definitely want the gold package with the perimeter alarms." "Good decision." "All right." "Let's see if we can get an installer out to your house before it's too late." "I hate to see you guys so driven by fear." "Why don't you try my GPS game with me?" "Let random chance guide you into the world, and you'll see how beautiful it is." "Fine, I'll play your stupid GPS game, because I'm gonna prove to you that the world isn't as wonderful as you think." "After all, it does have a liquid center." "I've got a date tonight with Lisa." "Lisa?" "Yeah." "Wedding Lisa?" "She's here?" "Yeah." "Apparently, the guy that's helping Will is her dad." "He just bought this place, and Lisa does the accounting." "It's fate." "Ah, fate." "Fate likes accounting because it's so tidy." "You can't go out with Lisa." "She's nuts." "She called you out of the blue right before her wedding." "Yeah, but the universe has dropped her back into my life." "It's a sign... a sign that says" "Craig needn't worry about dying alone." "Yeah, painted over another sign... a sign that says," ""Craig should totally worry about dating Lisa."" "(High-pitched voice) Zing!" "(Singsongy) I matched your rhythms and I twisted your words." "Mm." "Yeah, you did." "So this is for the inside motion detectors, these are the window alarms for zones one, two, and four..." "Why is there no zone three?" "I've... got no idea." "This thing is very complicated." "Honey, all I wanted was lights." "I just want the best system so that my family can sleep peacefully." "(Siren blaring)" "All right." "No, hey, I've got it!" "Ah!" "I've got it!" "(Siren stops blaring)" "What's going on?" "Why did we get an alarm system?" "I'll let your daddy explain that to you, and if it makes any sense... (Whispers) You can explain it to me." "(Slaps back)" "Uh, if I'm gonna deal with this colossal waste of money every day, I'm gonna need the password." "Oh, it's "maid," m-a-I-d." "Wait a minute." "Is that the maid's code?" "Don't you trust me?" "Of course I trust you." "It's just they told us not to give the master code to anybody that we can't trust." "Wait, let me start again." "You think I'm gonna rob you." "I'm your closest friend." "Besides, all your stuff is yucky." "Brenda, you're just not very good at keeping secrets." "Remember in the ninth grade when I told you I had a sex dream about Bert Lahr, that guy who played the cowardly lion?" "(Imitating cowardly lion) Aw, come on, Theresa." "Get back in bed." "And that's exactly what you said over the school intercom." "(Normal voice) That was years ago." "Come on." "Test me." "Give me a secret right now..." "Something really tempting, something you think I won't be able to..." "Will only has one testicle." "He lost the other one climbing a fence going to a Duran Duran concert in 1989." "Damn it, you play to win." "So you see, the security system is just here to keep us safe from people who want to hurt us." "People want to hurt us?" "No, of course not." "When are the people coming to hurt us?" "They're... they're not coming to hurt us." "Then why do we have a security system?" "To keep them out." "Oh, my God." "They're coming." "Th-they're not coming." "Then why do we have a security system?" "!" "Because obviously, people are coming!" "I knew it!" "They're coming!" "Hello, I have a date with a very special girl, and I was wondering if you had any adult-oriented drill bits I might purchase." "Craig." "You've met my father." "Hello, sir." "I haven't seen you since what turned out not to be your daughter's wedding." "(Chuckles)" "You're looking well." "I'm gonna go get my purse." "Take your time, kitten." "So... subwoofers..." "Necessary?" "Or..." "Shut your stupid mouth." "Do you know how much your little stunt at that wedding cost me?" "Well, do I have to come as close to the number as I can without going over?" "Because if so, I'm gonna say $1. (Chuckles)" "$42,000." "(Chuckles) It was..." "It's very steep." "I wonder where Lisa is." "Here's the deal." "You want to date my daughter, you're gonna reimburse me for every penny." "Every penny?" "That's crazy." "I was there for five seconds." "I didn't even have anything to eat." "And if you don't give me the money," "I'll destroy your relationship with Lisa." "I have a lot of sway over my daughter." "You ready to go?" "Yeah." "Where you going for dinner, hon?" "I thought we'd get some seafood." "Eh, you don't want seafood." "Yeah, I don't want seafood." "On the other hand, you do love a good piece of trout." "Yeah." "Let's get seafood." "(Chuckles) Seafood." "Seafood it is." "(Lisa giggles)" "(Clatter)" "And when the GPS asks for a destination, we just scream nonsense." "Brenda and I came up with this last month when a bee got in the car and we both did some screaming." "We ended up at the museum of dehydrated meat, where we saw a dried cow you can fit into a backpack." "Yeah, I've been to that place." "Parking sucks." "Come on." "Let's get this train wreck started." "Yes, let's see what wonderful adventure the universe has in store for us." "(Beeps)" "(Automated male voice) Destination?" "(Shouts gibberish)" "Directions to sash mill cinema." "(Cell phone beeps)" "Huh. "Now playing..." "'The darkest fjord.'"" ""6-hour director's cut with subtitles." ""A sad, old man lives alone in a lighthouse on the coast of Norway where there are no ships."" "Yeah, that sounds about right." "Yeah." "(Inhales)" "(Sighs)" "(Sighs)" "(Alarm blaring) Oh!" "I got it!" "All good!" "Keep sleeping!" "(Automated female voice) Zone three... breach." "Zone three... breach." "Zone three... breach." "There is no zone three!" "(Beeps) The bad people are here!" "I knew they were coming!" "(Blaring stops)" "No one's coming, okay?" "That woman is a liar." "(Dog barking in distance)" "Everybody back to bed." "I want to stay with you guys." "Me, too." "Of course, and maybe the lying woman in the wall would like to squeeze into bed with us, too." "There's a woman in the wall?" "!" "No, there's no woman in the wall." "(Sighs)" "Vampire!" "(Sighs)" "(Lowered voice) Oh, Will's asleep." "Get the sharpie." "I'm awake." "Hey, man." "How you doing?" "Hey." "Morning to you." "Ohh." "I didn't get a lot of sleep last night." "I tripped the alarm, and the kids..." "Listen up." "Got something I want to talk about." "Oh, I'm sorry, Craig." "I didn't mean to cut you off." "No problem." "So Lisa and I are back together." "One little glitch." "Chick's crazy?" "Jury's still out." "Her father wants me to pay back the 42 grand he spent on the wedding." "(Scoffs) That's insane." "(Snaps fingers) (Gasps) You should hit him over and over again with a pillowcase full of soda cans." "Kenny, not everything you see in a Sean Penn movie is a good idea in real life." "Fine." "Then at least negotiate the price down." "You've seen Lisa's dad's tv commercials." "All he wants to do is make a deal." "No credit, bad credit." "He doesn't care!" "You shouldn't be doing any of this, Craig." "You're only with Lisa because you're afraid of dying alone, and when you do things out of fear, you make bad decisions." "Oh, like putting in an expensive security system that you can't even operate?" "That's different." "The world is mostly murderers." "My friends, you're both right." "You must never be afraid to act out of fear." "The world's not the wonderful place grant thinks it is." "Oh, so your adventure last night didn't go so well." "Ugh, it was a disaster." "(Sentimental music playing) (Crying)" "Your duty as lighthouse keeper is done, sven." "Turn off your beacon and be at peace." "(Sobs)" "(Voice breaking) It was so boring and dumb." "(Sniffles)" "Fine!" "It was breathtaking cinema." "Claussen dumsfeldt makes Yon Hansen look like urn schvetlock." "Mmm." "So grant was right." "You trusted the universe, and it worked out." "It was a fluke." "We're going out again tonight." "And since it went well yesterday, I'm quite certain we'll be mightily crapped upon this evening." "Maybe it'll rain, and your car will spin out of control." "You'll hit a tree." "Thanks, man." "(Loud slap) Ohh." "Hit myself." "(Snaps fingers)" "Are you gonna give me the real alarm code?" "Because I haven't told anyone about Will's half-empty marble bag." "It's only been a day, and I like to think of his marble bag as half full." "Okay." "I figured it out." "The alarm is set and everything is good to go." "(Automated male voice) Zone "q" activated." "Zone "q"?" "What the hell is zone "q"?" "And I swear that's a different voice." "Inside motion detectors on." "Nobody move." "If the alarm goes off again, we're gonna have to get new kids." "We can move." "We just have to do it really slowly so we don't trigger the sensor." "I'll go to the living room and turn it off." "Be back in a couple hours." "That's ridiculous." "I can make it to the bedroom in 45 minutes." "I had a nightmare that the alarm went off." "(Alarm blaring)" "Aah!" "I can't wake up!" "(Blaring continues)" "(Sighs)" "Scooby-doo-bow-ba-Bo." "(Male electronic voice) Directions to intersection of sixth and main." "Dude, that's skid row." "We are so dying tonight." "(Kenny and man) ♪ hombre arriba ♪" "♪ con mi corazon ♪" "Everybody!" "♪ Hombre arriba ♪" "♪ con mi corazon ♪" "(High-pitched voice) Ay, ay, ay!" "That sounds fantastic." "Ohh, it was a cross-cultural delight, but I figured out why everything is going so well." "Till now, grant's been the one yelling at the GPS, and the universe has a crush on grant, so next time, I'm gonna be doing the screaming. (Cackles)" "It's weird that you're working so hard to make things go badly." "It's not weird." "What you're doing with Lisa is weird." "(Sighs) No." "No, it's not." "Will, wake up." "Craig's being weird." "Uh, yeah." "No, I wouldn't want to sleep through that." "I'm not being weird." "I couldn't talk Walter down on the base price, so I worked out an arrangement." "Every time I see Lisa, I give her old man 200 bucks." "Last night was amazing." "There's $200 on the dresser for your dad." "Oh, yeah." "That's weird." "It's just a payment plan." "Ohh, that's so romantic." "It's just like that famous Shakespeare play," ""Romeo and the hooker."" "You guys are just jealous because I got a beautiful woman at a fair price, and you two are floundering around like a couple of floundering flounders." "I'm not floundering." "I solved my problem." "I didn't tell Theresa and the kids, but I disconnected the alarm so everyone can start sleeping again." "What?" "Didn't the installer tell you that there's, like, 32 ways for a madman to get into your house?" "Yes, and now that I'm not using my alarm, I'd appreciate it if you didn't keep putting that stuff in my head." "We just don't want to see some maniac come out of the hills behind your house, crawl through that comically vulnerable basement window, kick down that particleboard door, slit your throat, and drag your family off to some cult in the woods, Will." "There's no way that doesn't happen." "Oh, great." "Now I can't sleep with the alarm and I can't sleep without it." "Well, you'd better pray there's no such thing as the ironic strangler, because he would kill you..." "By trying to save your life." "Yeah." "(Automated male voice) Destination." "(Shouting gibberish)" "Directions to" "Aloo's Indonesian Cafe and smog check." "Mmm." "(Chuckles)" "Sounds like we're in for a journey through the culinary wonders of Southeast Asia." "Ew." "Awesome." "(Laughs)" "(Drill whirring)" "You don't even know what you're eating, man." "I think we're in someone's house." "Look, there's shag carpeting in the kitchen." "Embrace, Kenny." "Don't resist." "This is a magical window into a side of Central Ohio we would never ordinarily get to see." "No, it isn't." "This place sucks." "Look." "There's a cat in that bathtub." "There's a bathtub." "Okay, look, you got to stop pretending." "(Clatters)" "Are you okay?" "I'm in trouble." "(Clatter)" "(Thud)" "Ha!" "Yes!" "I win!" "Where's your universe now?" "Oh, I should call 9-1-1." "Apparently, I had a violent allergic reaction to something called ground-up salamanders." "Gee, I wonder what's in that." "I didn't ask." "The important thing is you and I are still having a great adventure." "What?" "No, we're not." "I won." "You almost died." "The universe sucks." "We're still waiting for one of the anti venom shots." "You had a lot of different salamanders in you." "(Woman over P.A.) Nurse scully, please report to..." "Oh, my God." "Is that Billy Dee Williams?" "No." "Yes!" "Can you believe it?" "The man who played Lando Calrissian in "Star Wars"" "is in this hospital." "What is he in for?" "(Pen clicks) Sir, he's a patient." "I can't tell you that." "Ohh." "Of course." "Classic Lando." "I know, right?" "(Laughs)" "This is incredible." "I gotta go to Will's house and get my Lando action figure so Billy Dee Williams can sign it." "Now why do you keep your dolls..." "I'm sorry, action dolls..." "At Will's house?" "Will has a security system." "I want to keep it safe." "I'm so sorry, Kenny." "Looks like this is gonna be another great experience for you." "Oh, shut up." "(Clattering)" "(Rustling)" "(Cans clatter)" "Hello there, you..." "Ohh!" "(Thud)" "(Both grunting)" "Will?" "What's going on?" "Stay back!" "I got this!" "(Grunting)" "(Pants) (Fizzing)" "Uh-oh." "(Splattering)" "I am really sorry." "(Woman speaking indistinctly over P.A.)" "(Clenches teeth) You hit me so many times." "Mr. Hayden, we have a room for you now." "You know, I-I-I just lost my mind." "I was so hopped-up on fear because you kept talking about all those murderers." "Oh, I'm sorry, Will." "Please let me replace your soda." "Look, if nothing else, you helped me prove to grant that the world and the universe does suck." "Why, you slimy, double-crossing, no-good swindler." "You got a lotta guts coming here after what you pulled." "Are you talking to me?" "Oh, no, no, no, no, no, I..." "I was just running lines from "the empire strikes back."" "It soothes me when I'm..." "I'm feeling stressed." "Me, too." "Would you do me a favor?" "Anything, Mr. Dee Williams." "Would you play the part of han solo?" "(Orchestral music playing)" "Thank you, universe." "I'm sorry I ever doubted you." "Okay, listen." "We'll start in the cockpit of the "Millenium Falcon."" "(Imitates Chewbacca)" "Is Kenny okay?" "He's doing pretty well for someone who was savagely beaten with a 12-pack of ginger ale." "I told you we shouldn't keep soda in the house." "Don't worry." "I've worked in this hospital." "They're great." "They'll have him back to his normal monster face in no time." "I'm sorry I almost killed your brother." "You went baboon on him." "So I was thinking..." "Maybe the whole security system was a mistake." "Yeah, I really don't think we need it." "Even the kids feel safer now that they've seen your blind rage and your crazy monkey-strength." "Ooh. (Laughs)" "Hello, Brenda." "Well, I've got some good news for you folks." "(Sighs)" "Billy Dee Williams is right here in this hospital." "I'm serious." "Huh." "And grant and Kenny?" "Yes, they both saw him." "Uh, Dr. Samdi, these are my friends, Theresa and Will Keen." "Will Keen?" "The man who lost a testicle at a Duran Duran concert?" "What?" "I made that up." "I was testing Brenda." "Yeah, I can't keep secrets." "I already gave the maid's code to, like, six people." "There's something broken in my head." "Hello, sir." "We got a problem, you and me." "Where's my money?" "Uh, I gave it to the girl." "I mean, your daughter." ".. li... my girlfr..." "I gave it to Lisa." "Sure you did." "Hey!" "I just folded that!" "Do you think I'm screwing around?" "No!" "My socks!" "Okay, okay!" "I saw her last night and I didn't give her any money, but we only had coffee." "Hey." "If you see her, you pay." "Her time is my dime." "You know what?" "I only started seeing Lisa again out of fear of dying alone, but this has all gotten too weird, so I'm gonna have to break up with her." "Really?" "Ohh." "You guys are so good together." "I know, aren't we?" "Yeah." "Well, at least, my wife and I both think so." "You know what?" "(Snaps fingers)" "I'm gonna write you a check." "You are one hell of a salesman, Walt."