"♪ ♪" "ANNOUNCER:" "Okay, fellas, welcome your next dancer to the stage." "She's 876-530-FINE." "Let's hear it for Jenny." "♪ ♪" "(squeaking)" "♪ ♪" "(clang)" "(pop)" "(beeping)" "JENNY MCCARTHY:" "Ow!" "Fuck!" "ANNOUNCER:" "Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for the creator of Dirty Sexy Funny, the woman that puts the word" ""ho" into hosting..." "Jenny..." "McCarthy!" "JENNY:" "Come on, this is my first comedy special, yo." "I need to hear you fucking scream!" "(crowd cheering)" "Thank you!" "♪ ♪" "Welcome to Dirty Sexy Funny." "I'm your host Jenny McCarthy." "(crowd cheering)" "Thank you." "Let me get some camel toe going for you." "Hold on." "You know, so many people have come up to me and said, "Oh, my" "God, Jenny, I can't believe you're doing standup."" "And I'm like, "Oh, my God, I'm totally fucking not."" "I have, like, three knock-knock jokes and that's about it." "But..." "I do love me some raw dirty comedy." "Do you guys?" "(crowd cheering)" "Well, tonight I brought with me the dirtiest, the sexiest, funniest bitches I could find." "Literally, it took me, like, two years to find these babes, and," "I promise you, they are all as perverted and sick as I am." "(crowd cheering)" "I mean, they can't push" "Ping-Pong balls out of their pussy like me." "All right, our funny lady coming out right now studied theater, film and television at the" "University of Colorado at" "Denver." "She took classes at the" "Groundlings and at Upright" "Citizens Brigade before she realized, "Wow, that was a complete fucking waste of time."" "Give it up to Justine Marino!" "♪ ♪" "(crowd cheering)" "♪ ♪" "JUSTINE MARINO:" "Wow, what's up?" "Guys, Vegas." "How's it going?" "(groans)" "Are you guys on a date?" "Oh, you haven't talked about it yet." "I love this." "It just got real awkward." "I'm usually like you..." "I never know if I'm on a date." "I never know what to wear, which is why I usually just throw on a wedding dress and hope for the best." "I'm single." "I see..." "I feel like you guys, some of you are single." "You made a lot of noise in the beginning there." "We do that in public as single ladies." "Like, we make a lot of fucking noise." "Like, we make everyone think that we're very okay with being alone in public." "We're like, "Yeah, fuck men." "I don't need no man." "I'm independent." "I listen to Beyoncé and shit."" "On the inside, we are one Adele song away from just losing our shit, folks." "Just, like, emotional eating the fuck out of some guacamole." "Or some Krispy Kreme." "Oh, my God." "I should not be allowed within 50 feet of a" "Krispy Kreme for any reason." "Like, donuts should really be called do-nots for me 'cause when that... when that "Hot" "Donuts" sign comes on, that's like the Bat-Signal for me, folks." "Like, I am in my car and there lickety-split." "I was there last Friday night... 'cause I'm single... and, um..." "I order four donuts and the woman's like, "Are you sure you don't want to make that a dozen?"" "And I'm just like, "From four?" "Really?" "Like, that's eight additional donuts, ma'am." "That's literally triple my order, number one." "Number two, you can see I'm alone." "It's Friday night." "You hear the Celine Dion." "Bitch, don't kick me when I'm down." "But I will take two more crullers." "Fuck it." "Give me the dozen." "Cathy, you know me." "Just box up the ushe." "The diet starts tomorrow."" "That's what we do, us girls, right?" "We make up all these weird caloric justifications in our head." "Like, "Oh, yeah, I can eat this entire sheet cake right now." "I'll just suck on ice cubes till the end of time."" "That or we work out like crazy people." "I work out so intensely, I recently had a guy come up to me at the gym and ask me if I was training for an event." "I was like, "Yeah, Cheesecake" "Factory 2014."" "I work out so intensely, I had an injury recently." "I had to go to physical therapy." "And my physical therapist was telling me about how I have this misalignment in my hips and how to properly get in and out of bed to help fix the problem." "So she's like, "So, when you're getting into your bed, just scoot your significant other over to the other side."" "And I was like, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, ma'am, um, how large do you think my vibrator is?" "I mean..."" "Is anyone doing a booty call later tonight?" "Maybe that's what this situation is here." "(crowd whooping)" "(whoops) I love it." "You guys..." "See, Vegas is into it." "Most people are, like, afraid to admit that." "Like, I'm down with a good booty call." "I love that shit." "I love the bullshit leading up to the booty call." "Right?" "Like, the "let's get together and watch a movie at 4:00 in the morning."" "I find that the music that one plays during a booty call is very indicative as to how it's gonna go, you know?" "Like, if the person turns on" "Usher, this is gonna be some sweet lovemaking." "It's gonna be very sensual and hot." "But if they turn on Lil' Kim, you're about to get straight fucked, people." "Like, this is the Queen Bee." "She's not fucking around." "Even her clean lyrics are filthy." "But if they turn on, like, Sade or Coldplay or something of this nature, you need to leave immediately, all right?" "This is not a booty call." "This person has an intense emotional connection to you." "You need to peace the fuck out, guys." "Get out of there." "I don't want to brag, but I-I recently crushed a pregnancy test." "Ladies, sweet... (crowd cheering)" "Yeah." "Here are my whores over here." "Over there, too." "There's nothing like that sweet relief." "Like, fuck Xanax." "Next time I have a panic attack, I'm just gonna piss on some e.p.t.s, guys." "Like, I'll make it rain negative reads all over my apartment." "My roommate will come home." "Like, "Um, why is there piss everywhere?"" ""Who cares?" "Not pregnant." "Let's go to Krispy Kreme." "Cathy's working."" "I swear to God though, that shit came up negative so fast, like, I was almost insulted, you know?" "Like, as if to say, "Uh, bitch, please." "You do not get pregnant by yourself at the Cheesecake" "Factory." "Go have some unprotected sex."" "Which I would never do." "I'm so paranoid about getting pregnant." "Like, the first time I had sex," "I was on birth control, we used a condom and I still got a morning-after pill the next day." "And then when I got home, I threw myself down the stairs." "Just to be safe, guys." "Another good form of birth control: hand jobs, ladies." "Anyone given these?" "Raise the roof... for your hand job." "Yeah, two hands." "Watch out." "Double-fisting up front." "(clicks tongue)" "I don't know how to approach a hand job." "Personally, it's probably best if I just give you a pat on the back, you know?" "'Cause that's probably gonna be a more enjoyable situation for both of us." "Like, my instinct, I want to come up from behind the guy, right?" "You're just staring at me blankly." "Like, "Is this bitch for real?"" "Hear me out on this." "Like, that feels like the best angle, you know?" "But if I'm getting down with a guy and it's getting hot and heavy and I'm gonna go to give him a hand job and I'm like," ""Now just turn around."" "He'd be like, "What the fuck are you doing?" "Why are there donuts and pregnancy tests all over?" "This is very odd." "Lil' Kim is playing." "This is weird." "Weird shit."" "But this just doesn't seem effective, guys, and this is pretty much my hand job, right?" "Like, it's not good." "It's at a 90-degree angle." "It looks like I'm cooking something on a griddle." "Or perhaps playing a noncompetitive game of foosball, you know?" "Like, not a lot at stake with this hand job." "What do you even say during a hand job this horrific, you know?" "Like, "How's your day?" Right?" ""Was Todd at work today?" "You love when Todd's there." "You guys have lunch together?"" "Like, just very conversational mundane shit." "That or do I have, like, a weird stare-down with the guy?" "Just like..." ""I am not blinking till you come, motherfucker." "We're gonna be here a long time."" "That or I'd love to one day get super creative and do, like, the opening bars from the film The" "Lion King." "Just like... (singing gibberish to the tune" "(of "The Circle of Life")" "Whatever the fuck they say." "What are they saying?" "No one knows." "I feel like weird shit gets said in the bedroom." "By far, my favorite: "I'm gonna fuck the shit out of you."" ""I'm sorry, what?" "You're gonna fuck me to the point of defecation?" "I don't know that I'm okay with this." "How 'bout a hand job, huh?"" "(singing gibberish)" "You guys have been a lot of fun." "Thank you so much." "(crowd cheering)" "♪ ♪" "JENNY:" "She's so cute." "Thanks, girl." "So spunky with all that energy." "Probably 'cause she doesn't have any kids." "Do you guys have any kids out there?" "(crowd cheering)" "And do you ever want to just punch 'em in the face sometimes?" "I know, I'm really kind of hard on myself because I know..." "I've accepted it... that I'm not a very good role model for my son." "But I figured out a loophole." "I just lie to him." "Like this." "(knocking)" "What?" "BOY:" "What are you doing?" "JENNY:" "Nothing!" "BOY:" "I smell smoke." "JENNY:" "I don't!" "BOY:" "I do!" "Maybe the house is on fire." "BOY:" "Yeah, right." "(vibrator buzzing)" "(knocking)" "BOY:" "Hey, Mom, what are you doing?" "I need some chicken nuggets." "JENNY:" "Uh..." "I'm just, uh, vacuuming... some, uh, dirty stuff here." "BOY:" "But the vacuum is out here." "JENNY:" "Um, just blowing." "It's a... it's a leaf blower." "BOY:" "Inside?" "JENNY:" "No. (gasps)" "I'm not all the way inside." "(sharp breathing)" "BOY:" "Why is the door locked?" "I don't believe you." "JENNY:" "Uh, I'm, uh, I'm..." "I'll be out in a second, I'm just blow-drying." "(whispers):" "Oh, just one more minute." "(gasping)" "BOY:" "Are you texting?" "JENNY:" "What?" "BOY:" "Are you texting?" "JENNY:" "No." "BOY:" "Yes, you are." "JENNY:" "No, I'm not." "BOY:" "Yes, you are." "JENNY:" "I'm not on my phone." "BOY:" "Yes, you are." "JENNY:" "No, I'm not." "BOY:" "Who are you texting?" "!" "You switched hands!" "JENNY:" "I don't know what you're talking about, I'm not texting!" "(car horns blaring)" "(Jenny screams)" "BOY:" "Wow, you're texting still!" "JENNY:" "No, I'm not." "(crowd cheering)" "(phone chimes)" "Hold on one second." "(phone chimes)" "Okay, our next comedian defied her agent's wishes when she performed seven months pregnant." "They told her that they had never seen a pregnant woman on stage." "Apparently, they've never been to a really bad strip club." "Please welcome the very classy broad, Tammy Pescatelli." "♪ ♪" "(crowd cheering)" "TAMMY PESCATELLI:" "All these women." "Dirty Sexy Funny." "It's like the Blue Collar tour for whores." "(chuckles):" "It's..." "Too tired to be a whore." "I am." "I'm married now." "Only time I get fucked is on tax day, so it's..." "Ugh." "Women are tired." "Don't act like you're not." "You know you are." "Even when you try to pretend, you're all like..." "That's why Fifty Shades of Grey was popular." "'Cause women are tired." "'Cause I didn't read that book, but I know this:" "I know that the main character ties the woman up." "And while you're tied up, you don't have to do the laundry, the dishes, you don't have to go anywhere." "You're like, "It's behind the milk!" "Move the milk!" "I just fucking bought it on" "Tuesday!"" "That's beautiful acting, isn't it?" "Why doesn't anybody ever cast me in shit, motherfuckers?" "Every day, some..." "I'm tired." "I don't need Ecstasy, I need a drug called Complacency." "Just, I don't know." "It's just, it's crazy, and I know crazy, okay?" "'Cause crazy's easy to tell." "Especially on women." "You can tell..." "I'm an observationist." "That's what I do, I watch people." "And then I talk about 'em at night." "That's what I do." "20 years, all around the world, and women are the same everywhere." "I grew up with all boys, I'm in a male-dominated industry, and you can tell if a woman is crazy in direct proportion to her eyebrows." "The thinner the eyebrow, the crazier the broad." "My mother-in-law shaves them off and draws them back in, and she's Planet Bananas." "Okay?" "Some of you are sitting there trying to figure out how thick or thin your eyebrows are." "And your men are giving me hostage signals." "'Cause they're afraid of you." "They're afraid." "That's why we have to have safe words." "My husband said to me, "You know, I think we should... we should get a safe word."" "(scoffs)" "How about "Get the fuck off of me"?" "How about that?" "All one word, with a hashtag in front of it, how about that?" "Is that good?" "I married the hot kid from the slow class." "I didn't know." "You don't know that shit till you go to a class reunion, then you're like, "You were potting plants the whole motherfucking time you were in school, weren't you?"" "Now, that's not to say that he's stupid, he's not." "He has a lot of useless information, which is what marriage is." "That's what it is." "Look at you punching him, 'cause you know." "You want to know how I knew that you guys were together before I knew that that was your man?" "'Cause you dress him stupid." "Yep, I'm telling you how I knew." "When you were single, you didn't have ugly Hawaiian shirts like that, did you?" "We dress you up stupid so no other woman will look at you." "Be like, "He's cute, but I can't fix all of this shit." "What is this?"" "Yeah, you couldn't have marked your territory better if you peed on him." "Okay?" "Now, I'm telling you, I have a lot of respect for my husband." "Um, I made him respect me." "That's the truth." "I did, I taught him." "You have to... carry yourself with class and dignity, and you will be treated with class and dignity." "I taught him how to respect me." "We were dating for about six weeks, he was... (woman laughs)" "What are you, some crazy psycho stalker, laughing at shit that you don't..." "Let me see your eyebrows, let me see your eyebrows." "See, I know, that's some crazy shit." "Want to know another crazy woman thing?" "You see a white woman over 40 with a flower in her hair, and you're not in Hawaii, crazy shit's about to go down." "Um, so..." "Prepare yourself for a vortex of chaos that you will never fulfill." "(whispers):" "I don't know." "Six weeks we were dating." "He was an hour and a half late." "I'm not big..." "I don't care as much, except that he didn't call." "Right?" "No text, no e-mail, nothing." "Finally calls, he said, "I was stuck in traffic, and, uh, my cell phone died."" "I said, "Well, come over, but could you stop by the pharmacy and buy some condoms?"" "And we hadn't even slept together at that point, 'cause" "I'm not a whore." "And, um..." "I wish I would have been." "If I'd known I was gonna get married and locked down, I'd have been fucking everybody." "Um... that's what you get for being a good Italian girl." "Nothing." "A lifetime of one dick for the rest of your life." "(sighs)" "That's why God won't give me a daughter." "'Cause you have to lie to your daughter." "You're like, "Don't worry about what's on the outside, just be pretty on the inside."" "You know what "pretty on the inside" will get you?" "Fucked in the dark." "That is all that'll happen to you." ""So, could you stop and buy some condoms?"" "So he was like, "What?"" "I hung up the phone, I put on sexy lingerie, I lit candles." "Music." "Put the chain unlocked." "He knocked on the door." "Opened up, I said, "Let me see the condoms."" "So I said, "Thanks, we need that shit."" "And I shut the door." "I was alone, but I figured he'd get the therapy he needed." "He would stay." "And he stayed, and I love him." "And I'm not telling you that marriage is always easy, it's not." "It's a lot of useless information, that's what it is." "Tells me all kinds of stuff at the most inopportune times." "Woke up the other night..." "Perfect example..." "I'm choking." "I'm like... (coughs)" "He woke up and looked at me, he goes, "What's wrong?"" "(grunts)" ""I'm choking."" "He said, "Maybe you ate a spider."" ""The hell is wrong with you?"" "Said, "I was watching the" "Discovery Channel, and the average person eats about eight spiders a year in their sleep."" ""You're an asshole." "All right?" "Really."" "'Cause now I can't sleep, 'cause I don't know if" "I'm on spider one or spider eight." "I got to sleep with a nicotine patch over my mouth." "I'm punching him in the dick, 'cause if I got to be awake, he's got to be awake." "And I'm happy." "'Cause goals change." "Alls I ever wanted to be was happy, now I just want to die before my tits hit the floor." "Now I got my cousin, I got to carry her, 'cause she's getting a divorce, and... she's running around." "For Halloween, she was" "Miley Cyrus." "40 years old." "She dressed up as Miley." "Not cute sweet Hannah Montana." "You know, VMA in the teddy bear." "God bless that girl, she's so talented, but she's really just a dumb ill-advised hillbilly." "That's really all it is." "So, no one explained shit to her, 'cause I'm quite sure her stylist said to her, "You need to do something really shocking." "You should come out in a teddy."" "And then that bitch came out in a stuffed animal." "'Cause she's just stupid." "And I say "hillbilly" in the most respectful way." "'Cause I'm afraid of hillbillies." "I'm not afraid to die." "A gang member will kill you, but a hillbilly will keep you." "(chuckles)" "(crowd cheering)" "Like in a box underneath his bed, and I am not playing the fucking gimp game for the rest of my damn life." "You better choke me the fuck out, 'cause I will make you miserable." "I did a charity show for the" "Playboy Foundation." "I don't even know what their charity was." "14-year-old boys who go blind from reading a magazine, I don't know." "They had a party at the old dude's house afterwards, and..." "I didn't want to go." "I wasn't even married, but my brothers made me go for research." "(laughs): 'Cause..." "I was always the best wingman." "Those girls are beautiful." "But they're, like, size double zero." "They're-they're mean, 'cause they're hungry." "And..." "One wanted to fight me for something I had said ostage." "I don't even know, probably something about whores." "I'm not sure." "And, uh..." "I'm not gonna fight you." "There's no class in that." "Plus, I'm a girl from the neighborhood and you're a double zero." "If I swing at you and miss, you'll die of pneumonia." "Okay?" "Stupid." "Then I saw... what, the icon, Hugh Hefner, you know what I mean?" "Beautiful man, nice man." "Gets these young broads to go with him." "Have sex with him." "God bless him, but having sex with Hugh Hefner would be like banging a bucket of chicken." "It's all brittle and the bones break and the skin is falling off." "And you can't get the grease off your fingers." "(laughs)" "You want to be a gold digger, there's your life." "You get education, you can fuck who you want." "That should be the slogan for the literacy campaign, but no one calls me." "(crowd whooping)" "So... (laughs)" "I was there at that party, at the Playboy Mansion." "I'm drunk, they had a trampoline contest, and the story doesn't end well." "Those girls drop-kicked me off the trampoline and I went flying on my butt down a hill, into a pond." "A peacock went to attack me, and..." "I thought I was paralyzed." "But really I was just drunk, stuck in the mud." "And you can talk about class and self-respect and dignity all you want." "But I couldn't walk for three days after going to that party." "And when you can't walk for three days after going to a party at the Playboy Mansion... nobody believes it has anything to do with an unfortunate trampoline accident." "Thank you so much." "Thank you, Jenny." "(crowd cheering)" "JENNY:" "So good!" "I love you." "I love you so much." "How great are they so far?" "(crowd cheering)" "It only gets better." "I'm so happy she's married." "Kind of envious of all you people that are married." "(whispers):" "Not really." "But, you know, I did have a tough year, um, when I experienced a little bit of online dating." "Have you guys tried it?" "No." "JENNY:" "I did one year of it, and it was fucking awful." "Take a look." "Well, here's a good one." ""Kevin, 42." "Nice smile, good listener." "Looking for a girl to share life experiences with."" "Oh." "And he loves art." "KEVIN:" "Oh, people say I have a nice smile." "I do art." "I'm an artist." "That's what I do." "JENNY:" "Ooh." ""European." "Loves mother and country."" "He loves his mom." "Yes!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "I sing Trosback National Anthem now." "JENNY:" "Cool." "♪ Polly kielbasa" "Polish kielbasa" "Polish Natasha" "Polish Natasha. ♪" "Dusk!" "Dusk!" "Dusk!" "Dusk!" "Dusk!" "JENNY:" "Hmm." ""Natural health expo junky." "Believes Mother Earth heals."" "Oh." "(coughing)" "Respect." "JEN: "Vincent, 44." "Looking to fall in love with the one." "Loves animals."" "VINCENT:" "Have you ever sacrificed a sheep?" "What about a cow?" "A chicken?" "KEVIN:" "I was going to ask if I could do a painting of you right now." "JENNY:" "Okay." "KEVIN:" "Yeah?" "Okay." "Maybe you can just, uh, do a pose for me?" "Maybe you could just lay down a little bit in the booth?" "Yeah." "Okay, good." "Okay." "What?" "(Jamaican accent):" "You're a pretty white gal." "What's your sign?" "JENNY:" "You know you're white, right?" "Me not white, boy!" "JENNY:" "Can I get the check?" "KEVIN:" "I'm almost done." "Okay." "You sing with me!" "JENNY:" "Okay." "No, put ass on table first." "I love you on The View." "I think you're fucking awesome." "JENNY:" "Thanks." "I think Whoopi is a little tough on you." "KEVIN:" "All right, I'm gonna draw me now." "You got big beautiful bosoms!" "♪ Polish kielbasa. ♪" "Oh, you want to see my ass?" "Yeah." "(crowd cheering)" "(moans)" "VINCENT:" "Oh, my God." "(crowd cheering)" "You're on your period, aren't you?" "(Vincent moans)" "KEVIN:" "It's more like how I see myself." "Okay." "(crowd cheering)" "JENNY:" "I invited every one of those guys in the video here tonight, and he's right there." "(crowd cheering)" "Thank you, baby." "All right, I kind of have a girl crush on our next comedian." "She's been headlining comedy clubs across the country for over 15 years." "When I first saw her, I was bawling." "She is raw, she's a cougar." "She's also menopausal, so I'm really glad I'm not sharing a room with her." "Say hi to Lynne Koplitz, you guys!" "(crowd cheering)" "LYNNE KOPLITZ:" "Hi." "Let me look at you." "How are we?" "You in a good mood?" "That's nice." "I feel a lot less aggressive than normal." "I think it's because this dress is acting as a compression garment." "(laughter)" "I..." "I haven't been out of a sports bra in over a year." "You know I love Jenny McCarthy." "I seriously haven't dressed up in so long." "Nothing says "I'm done with life" like a 40-something woman in a sports bra." "Isn't that...?" "I've never done sports." "It's not like I do sports." "I've never done sports." "Just, I like the look of one low, defiant breast just daring you to fuck with it." "Just, I dare you." "I was called a "MILF" the other day." "(crowd cheering)" "Kind of a compliment." "Moms I like to... (mumbles)" "You know what that is?" "Moms I like to f..." "It's a compliment if you're a mother." "I'm not, so it was a tad insulting." "I said to the kid, "I'm not a mother, but thank you."" "He was like, "You're still a" "MILF."" "Uh... no." "He was like, "Then you're a-a" "ILF."" "I'm like, "What are you, special needs?" "What the fuck is wrong with you?"" "I love young guys." "How old are you, sir?" "Um, you know who I'm talking to." "43." "Yeah, too old for me." "'Cause, look, did you see how he...?" "Did anyone see it?" "He just did this." "(scoffs)" "Just a total, like, "Ugh." "This stripper's chatty."" "Uh... (laughs)" "I know." "You don't want me, either." "I get it." "We both have opinions." "What do we need with each other?" "We both have ideas." "Fuck it." "You have ideas that you've actually thought out and put into fruition." "That's annoying." "Look at this kid." "No ideas, no opinions." "I could blow either one of these kids into changing their religion." "One good ball tickle, a pinky in the bum hole, this kid's following jihad." "He's gonna be tougher." "He doesn't care." "The older guy... he doesn't care about that." "Give him a chocolate éclair, and put Castle on, he's happy." "I really do like young guys, but" "Jenny's wrong." "I'm not a cougar anymore, 'cause" "I don't hunt." "Not now." "Now I'm more of like..." "Uh... can I sit in this?" "I don't even know if it's gonna happen." "There's a good chance we're gonna have to take me out on the stool." "Just be careful, people down in front." "I might put your eye out if the fucking belt pops out." "It's very apropos that we're in" "Vegas, 'cause I'm starting to sweat like fucking old Elvis." "Like the old fat Elvis right before he died on the toilet." "That's where I am right at this moment." "Wait, wait, wait." "I'm not a cougar who hunts." "No, I'm like a zoo cougar now." "I'm a zoogar." "I'm a lazy cougar that just sits around his habitat... and enjoys its fake rock." "Every now and then, one of those 26-year-olds accidentally falls over the side." ""Wait." "Excuse me." "No, help yourself." "I ain't running." "Bad hip." "I'll get the next one."" "(laughs)" "Let's see." "You already got a lot of comedy." "You're gonna get more comedy in a minute." "I'm not about that anymore." "Surprise, Jen." "I just needed a platform to say some things." "I'm more about information now." "Listen, young girls, there's still hope." "Listen..." "For you." "Here-Here's what I know." "I've spent a lot of time with men." "I've studied these chimps like" "Jane Goodall." "I'm a female comic and a bit of a whore, so I know what I'm talking about." "I'm not..." "And..." "I shouldn't say "whore."" "I'm..." "When..." "If you make it to 46 years old without getting married and having children, you'll accidentally fuck a lot of people." "It's just a fact." "There's nothing standing in the way." "You'll just... you'll fuck them." "They'll be there, they'll know that you fucked people." "They'll expect it, and you'll," ""Eh..."" "Men are easy." "If I could teach you anything, they're e..." "Look at them with their balls out." "This is not the posture of a complicated person." "That's the posture of a" "Labrador." "A big fucking dog that just wants to sit in the sun and think, "sun."" "That's it." "(chuckles)" ""My ears are heavy."" "That's as complicated as it gets." "So, when we put makeup on, when you worry about... you're doing that for yourself, not for men." "They don't care." "This guy would fuck you with chips in your hair." "He doesn't care." ""That one comes with snacks." "I'm going for her."" "Let's end on one more piece of information." "Something that's been bothering the fuck out of me." "This is true." "Sex etiquette." "Guys, listen to Auntie Lynne." "'Cause I'm an auntie." "An auntie cares about you." "A mother wants to sugarcoat shit, you know?" "Your mother has to raise you." "She has to try and make life soft, so she tells you, like," ""Yes, childbirth is painful, but it's worth it." "You forget."" "And your auntie will say, "You poop a little, just so you know." "Just a little bit, it happens." "In front of a stranger." "You don't know the doctor." "Yes, you're with it, but is your brother?" "Think about it."" "Now, listen to me." "Men, this noise... (gagging)" "Never a good noise." "In the history of noises..." "I've been all over the fucking globe... it never..." "All over the world." "It's a universal bad gagging noise." "It means I'm gonna vomit." "Anytime you hear... (gagging)" "Never does it mean we should press the head down... it's making this noise... and hold it." "If your cat was making that noise, if... (gagging, coughing)" "Who..." "Would anyone in here be, like," ""Yeah, oh, shove the cat's face in the carpet." "Hold that face, and..." "Oh, it's eating something?" "Even better." "Tell it to eat it." "Tell it, eat the whole treat!" "Eat the whole treat!" "Take it." "You love it."" "It's the rudest fucking thing." "The first time it happened to me, I was in college, and I remember, I made the noise 'cause women like to communicate." "I was... (gagging)" "And I did." "A little polite." "Like, um, "There's a little vomit happening here."" "And what happens?" "You feel the hand get tighter." "And I thought, "Oh, perhaps he doesn't love me the way I think did."" "So now I start making a noise like something from a fucking jungle." "Like... (loud gagging)" "And it just gets tighter and strong..." "So fucking rude." "It's so rude and annoying to me." "Guys, I don't care what you think." "You watch porn, it's fucked your brains, and you think that it means that you have a huge cock." "Let's say, in best case scenario, that is what it means." "Why would you hold something down that's being choked by your enormous cock?" "It's aggravating 'cause it's a double standard." "If they were doing their business on us, and they made any kind of disparaging noise, any kind of... (quiet groan)" "(laughs)" "Well, that would be horrible if they made that noise, but you know what I mean." "Anything that suggested things weren't quite as pleasant as they could be, we would freak out." "That's how women are." "We would stop everything." ""Oh, my God, what happened?" "Am I not fresh?" "Come up here." "I'm so sorry." "I-I went to... showered right after the gym." "I'll make you a sandwich." "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."" "No!" "We all have to band together." "Here's what I say we do." "Anytime you hear the noise, any kind of noise, I want you to stop everything and just fucking hol... just lock him in." "If you want, if you don't feel like a lady, you can scream something like, "I'm sorry." "You started this." "You have to finish."" "And, fuck, just lock him in." "Hold him." "He'll struggle." "Trust me, I've done it." "He'll struggle like a cat in a fucking bag." "Hold him in." ""No, finish!"" "When he comes up, just get out of the way, 'cause he's gonna come up spitting and twitching." ""You crazy bitch, you covered up my nose holes!" "You chipped a tooth!" "You're a crazy bitch!"" "Be a lady." "Look him right in the face." ""You know you loved it."" "Good night." "Thank you!" "Jenny!" "Mwah!" "JENNY:" "Love you!" "Lynne!" "My next video has three words:" "walk of shame." "(gasps)" "(whispers):" "Fuck." "(sighs)" "(dog growls)" "Shh." "(whispers)" "(barking)" "DRIVER:" "Hello." "JENNY:" "Oh, God." "Hi." "DRIVER:" "Where are we going to?" "JENNY:" "Two fours... (mumbles)" "Regency?" "DRIVER:" "What?" "JENNY:" "Fort..." "Forty-s... 44..." "Second and Regency?" "Just go." "Just drive, just drive." "DRIVER:" "All right." "JENNY:" "Just, you know, sh..." "DRIVER:" "You want to call someone coming out of this?" "(groans)" "Give me an exact address, ma'am." "JENNY:" "Can you stop for a second?" "DRIVER:" "Right here?" "JENNY:" "Just right here." "Just stop for a second." "(retching)" "Go!" "Go, go!" "Go, go, go!" "(groaning)" "DRIVER:" "Oh, God." "JENNY:" "Okay, stop." "DRIVER:" "Where?" "JENNY:" "I live..." "No, I don't live there." "Keep going." "Okay, make a right." "DRIVER:" "A right?" "JENNY:" "Uh-huh." "DRIVER:" "Ma'am, it's a dead end." "Ma'am, so what are you talking about?" "JENNY:" "Are we there yet?" "DRIVER:" "Where?" "So, we're taking a right?" "Left?" "We're going where, ma'am?" "JENNY:" "Just take me anywhere." "Fuck." "Oh, come on." "Who hasn't fucked a taxi driver before?" "My pussy tasted like curry for a month." "Smell it still?" "Our next comic is based out of" "Los Angeles." "She's here performing for the first time standing up." "Give it up for Paula Bel." "(crowd cheering)" "PAULA BEL:" "Oh, my God, look at this." "Only in Vegas, men with women." "Who started this new trend?" "I heard some old women, "Oh, my" "God, we're gonna go see Thunder" "Road" or whatever the fuck." "I'm like, "Really?" "A bunch of gay guys dancing?" "I could stay in West Hollywood for that shit."" "My apartment building's infested with gay men." "They're like cockroaches." "They multiply like roaches." "Two go in, three come out." "What the fuck is that?" "Where'd the little one come from?" "Whose ass did he just fly out of?" "How high am I?" "I don't hate gay people." "I just don't like gay men." "They're always happy." "You ever see a sad one?" "One sad gay dude in the back of the bar crying in his Heineken over some bad dick." "You ever see it?" "!" "You never will." "They're always singing and dancing." "Why are they so happy?" "I fuck men." "Do I look happy tonight?" "Where's that dick that's so off the chain I'm gonna join a parade?" "Fuck yeah." "That was incredible." "Stick it right up my ass." "You fucking young chicks kill me." "You know what's so funny about you?" "In 20 years, you're me." "(laughs)" "Drink up, sluts!" "Fuck." "I sit in my apartment all day." "I just hide." "I watch television." "You men, you have it all." "In my next life, I just want to be a man." "I swear." "I just want to sit around and scratch my ball sack and watch sports." "You guys have everything." "All of Vegas, all of this is entertainment for you... the girls, the fucking gambling." "We have nothing." "I have to watch sports because there's nothing for women to watch." "So now I watch golf, golf, golf." "That's what I'm into." "Tiger Woods." "They should be applauding Tiger" "Woods, what he did for that sport." "Who in this room, before Tiger" "Woods, ever even thought golfers fucked?" "You get older, you're just done." "I'm just tired." "Everybody, "What do you do all day?" "What'd you do in your hotel room?" "We didn't see you."" "You don't see me because I'm inside my fucking hotel room plucking my chin hair so I don't look like Nick fucking Nolte tonight!" "Only when you get older, you realize how rude people are." "Strangers." "I was standing outside and this crackhead came out of nowhere." "I have my regular face on." "And she says, "Smile!" "Smile!"" "And I go, "Why?" "So you can remember what a full set of teeth look like?" "Get the fuck out of here!"" "It's too much, getting old." "God, everybody's so rude." ""Oh, my God, look how big your text is on your iPhone." "Oh, my God." "Why don't you just get glasses?"" ""Why don't you shut the fuck up?" "Maybe that's nature telling me" "I've seen enough shit!"" "God, I'm glad I'm in such a good mood tonight." "Usually I'm a real bitch." "(sighs) I don't belong in Vegas." "This fucking town." "It's all for young people." "You young girls, you're always getting fucked up." "You don't know how to handle it." "You can't drink." "You don't know how to control your liquor." "I see 'em out there, and they're just barfing at the end of the night on the Strip." "(retching)" ""Oh, my God. (retches)" "Oh, my God, Rebecca, help me."" "You're a disgrace to true alcoholics." "(crowd whooping)" "Learn how to drink." "I'm sick of your little tales of woe on the news." ""Oh, my God." "I don't know what happened." "We were in Vegas." "Everything was going great." "And then some guys showed up and they had dicks." "I don't know." "Somebody tried to rape me."" "Always crying rape, you young girls." "Shut up!" "Start liking it." "You mean to tell me some strange man, at my age, is gonna run up behind me, fuck me and take off laughing?" "That's my dream date." "Are there any rapists here tonight?" "Wait out in the lobby." "I'll walk real slow." "God." "I should've been a schoolteacher." "I'd be getting laid left and right right now." "You know it's true." "They're running amok." "There's a reason why, too." "God, when I went to school, boys were, like, pin-chested, pimple-faced geeks." "Nobody wanted to fuck them." "Now, because of all the hormones in the milk and the cheese, they're huge." "I live across the street from a school." "I watch those sixth graders working out." "They're like convicts." "Out there cracking their necks in the sun." "They look delicious." "You couldn't put me, at my age, in front of a classroom full of young, hot, hard-bodied boys raising their dumb hands." "I'd fuck the shit out of your kids." "That's what you get for leaving 'em here for eight hours." "There's only 26 letters in the alphabet." "How long was that supposed to fucking take?" "I'd be a hooker, but they walk." "God, out there in West Hollywood on Sunset, those hookers out there." "There was one in front of my house for years." "She had a broken shoe." "She's just pissed off at the world." "I almost hit her with the car." "I said, "Sit down!" "You are selling ass, not Avon." "What are you, a Jehovah" "Witness whore?" "Sit down."" "God, I'd sell my ass, but I wouldn't walk anywhere." "Somebody get me a beach chair or a stool." "Bring me a Coke!" "I'm sucking cock out here!" "It's 100 degrees." "I have a pimp chasing me." "I'm parched." "(coughs)" "I need a soda." "You ever suck a dick, little boy?" "It is not for the weak or the timid." "(crowd cheering)" "I'd make so much money." "There's always traffic." "God, if I was young." "If I looked like you girls, with your tits out and your pussies just fucking waving in the wind," "I'd just be out there selling it." "I'd get a little Razor scooter and just be like..." "Ding, ding. "Pussy!" "Let's go."" "Thanks for having me." "Good night." "JENNY:" "Give it up for Paula" "Bel!" "(crowd cheering)" "My next video, I kind of answer the question, "What do women really think about during sex?"" "What do you think that is, big guy?" "MAN:" "Me, of course." "JENNY (fake laugh):" "Oh, that's so funny." "I don't think so." "Check this out." "You like that?" "JENNY:" "Oh, I love it." "You want it harder?" "JENNY:" "Yeah." "Yeah?" "(panting)" "JENNY:" "I wonder who invented the ceiling fan." "Hmm." "Oh, yeah." "(phone chimes)" "Crap." "I missed my hair appointment." "(man moaning)" "Ooh, this is a tough one." ""Who is the big red dog?"" "Okay, I have chicken." "I need to pick up some oranges and breadcrumbs." "Oh, and some onions." "I always forget about the onions." "And chicken's gonna take about three hours to de-thaw, so I have to pull it out of the freezer." "I wish he would hurry up." "God, I wish he would just come already." "Just come." "Just fucking come." "Ugh!" "I can't stand this." "Fuck, fuck, come, come!" "Just come already!" "Come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come." "(crowd cheering)" "My mom actually said she really connected to that video montage the most." "Gross." "All right, this is it, you guys." "How are we doing so far?" "(crowd cheering)" "Right?" "This woman is the epitome of" "Dirty Sexy Funny." "She is a former troubled teen from South Central Los Angeles." "Hide your purses and give it up for Tiffany Haddish." "♪ ♪" "(crowd cheering)" "(crowd cheering)" "TIFFANY HADDISH:" "Planet" "DJ Laptop." "Give it up for DJ Laptop in the building." "(crowd cheering)" "He playing all the hits on his laptop." "I want to let y'all know right now I've been looking around the room." "I see that it's not anybody in here that look like me, and that's okay." "It's okay, because I'm white." "I want y'all to know that." "I had to renew my driver's license last year, and I did." "I put "Caucasian" on there." "My credit score went up by 300 points." "I slept with 86 white men." "My boyfriend didn't leave me." "It's... it's good being a white woman." "I know a lot of you women in here a looking at me like," ""This bitch is too motherfucking cute." "My man wants to fuck her."" "He does." "But I won't." "I won't take your man." "I won't take your man." "Unless he's on a respirator." "That's my style." "I like 'em old and barely able to breathe, 'cause I'm trying to get an inheritance." "I need benefits, bitch." "This Indian hair ain't cheap." "I'm walking around here smelling like curry." "Every time, I hear music, I just start, like... (singing)" "I look like Slumdog Millionaire when I start dancing." "Just..." "It's hard being me." "It's not easy being me!" "Constantly sucking in my uterus." "'Cause I'm ovulating." "I'm horny as hell." "Who wants some?" "I smell good credit all up in this motherfucker." "I see you, glasses." "I see you." "Look like a fucked-up Clark" "Kent." "I'm with it." "But I'm feeling good tonight." "I'm feeling fantastic." "My baby toe is dead in these five-dollar shoes." "I feel sexy." "Laes, you know what I'm talking about." "You know when you get your little cute cheap shoes." "You're like, "These are the shoes right here." "I'm getting pregnant tonight in these." "Somebody gonna marry me tonight." "They gonna buy the house."" "My grandma taught me that this was a house." "I'll never forget it." "It was my 18th birthday." "I wish she would have told me on my 16th birthday, 'cause at that point, I had been renting out the property already." "And she pulled me to the side, and she said..." ""Look here, baby girl." "Now that you've become a woman," "I want you to think of yourself as a house." "And there's one thing you got to remember, baby." "Every man wants to come inside your house, but you can't be having all kind of men going in and out your house all the time, 'cause that'll bring your property value low." "Mess around and be known as the crack house, and you don't want to be the crack house." "So, you want to keep the grass cut and keep it clean." "'Cause you don't want people walking by, thinking you got an abandoned house." "And you don't want to go out late at night getting drunk and stuff, 'cause somebody will break into your house, baby, right through the back door." "They'll break in right through the back." "And that'll have you walking messed up the next day, talking to the police."" "And she said, "Once you find a man that loves you and cares about you, he'll go ahead and he'll sign that paperwork." "He'll put a ring on your finger, and he will buy that house."" "And I just want to know by a round of applause, how many ladies in here tonight got them a husband, AKA homeowner, a man that loves you, take care of you?" "Make some noise if you got you a husband, girl!" "(crowd cheering)" "That's it?" "So the rest of you heifers in here renting to own?" "Just Section-Eighting the property out?" "Small Latin family of 15 living in there, trying to make ends meet?" "Some of the men in here don't like this joke, 'cause they own multiple properties, and they're having a hard time maintaining 'em, and they don't want you to know about that shit." ""Got a condo in South Central, bitch, and you live in Utah."" "Ooh, my baby toe is dead." "I just want to do the rest of the show on the side of my feet." "Just fuck it, just... (crowd cheering)" "Ladies, you know what I'm talking about." "You get the cute shoes, you go in the club." "You're like, "This is it right here." "I'm gonna kill 'em in the club tonight."" "You walk in the club like a motherfucking unicorn." "Like you're the baddest bitch in the universe." "You just... (sputters)" "(crowd cheering)" ""I'm the last black unicorn, bitch." "(sputters)" "Look at my shoes!" "(sputters)" "You be at the watering hole, the bar, just, like... (sputters)" ""I think my big toe just fell off." "Just stay at the bar." "Somebody's gonna buy another drink to numb that." "(sputters)" "(giggling)" "Stick your ass out more." "Stick your ass out."" "You try to go to the club, look sexy." "Wear your little skinny jeans." "I fucking hate skinny jeans." "I love 'em, and I hate 'em." "I love 'em 'cause they hold everything in and lift your ass up and make you look fucking fantastic, but I hate 'em 'cause they fucking..." "Ladies, you ever took your skinny jeans off, and it still look like you got jeans on?" "And your dude be like, "Take off your pants."" "You're like, "I did take off my pants."" "He like, "Well, what's up with the pockets in the back?"" "You're like, "Motherfucker, that is ass, stupid." "It's supposed to have ripples and dents in it and shit, dummy." "That's what make the sound effects."" "And men love them sound effects." "Don't they?" "Y'all love that... them sound effects... (popping, slurping noises)" "I can't really do 'em with my mouth, but my ass does it great." "My ass... (popping, slurping noises)" "Ladies, remember the first time you was doing it doggy style?" "Some of y'all got to think way, way back, but think about it." "The first time you was doing it doggy style, and the dude hitting it from the back, and you enjoying it." "You're like, "Ooh, this is nice." "Ooh, I like this." "I'm gonna do it like this all the time." "I don't have to look at him or nothing." "This..." "Ooh, what did he just do...?" "Oh, don't look at him." "Don't look at him." "You're gonna fuck it up." "Right now, he's Antonio" "Banderas." "You look back, that motherfucker" "Pee Wee Herman." "Oh, shit." "Oh, shit."" "It start getting real good." "You be like, "Oh, shit." "Oh, shit."" "You start arching your back and shit." "He be pushing it down." "You be arching it." "He be pushing it." "You be... (grunting)" "And the next thing you know, you hear... (pop)" "(farting)" "(panting)" "(farting)" "(laughing)" "(farting)" "And the first time that happened to you, you don't know what to do." "You don't know whether to get up and fucking run, laugh, cry, scream." "You don't know what to fucking do." "The first time it happened to me, I just buried my face in the pillow like an ostrich, and I threw my ass back real fast, like he turned a nitro on that motherfucker." "This was fast and furious ass." "And I just started to pray." ""Lord Jesus, please don't let him realize the sound that just came out of my ass and/or vagina, Lord." "Ooh, Lord, just please make sure it don't have no smell!" "Jesu... (sniffing)" "Okay, I'm good in there." "I'm good." "Thank you, Lord." "You give blessings every day," "Jesus."" "That's real." "(crowd cheering)" "It's real." "None of your girlfriends that's having sex before you... they don't tell you." "They don't be like, "Girl, I was doing it to Ted yesterday, and he had my pussy beatboxing, bitch." "He had my shit, like..."" "(beatboxing)" "(moaning):" "Ah." "(beatboxing)" "(moaning):" "Ooh, ooh, ooh." "(beatboxing)" "That's some good motherfucking sex right there." "(crowd cheering)" "Any questions?" "Look, I had a good time with you guys." "Y'all stay fantastic." "JENNY:" "Tiffany!" "Love you, girl." "Let's hear it for all my lovely bitches." "Get back up here, girls." "Let's hear it for 'em, you guys." "(crowd cheering)" "Thank you so much for coming out tonight." "My girls..." "Justine Marino, Tammy" "Pescatelli, Lynne Koplitz, Paula" "Bel and Tiffany Haddish." "Thank you so much for watching." "Keep it dirty, yo." "Peace." "Captioning sponsored by" "LEVITY ENTERTAINMENT GROUP" "Captioned by" "Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org"