"WINSTON:" "All right, Nick, we believe in you, man." "Tell us, what's in the cup?" "Ah, it's a hard one." "It's a mini carrot." "(Laughter)" "Onion and potato?" "Dumbest boy in all the world." "How are you so bad at Feely-Cup?" "You are awful at this game." "Sea glass?" "I'm overthinking it." "If his life depended on this, he would die." " Battery." " When are batteries squishy?" "I'm just kidding, I'm kidding-- I know it's not a battery." "(Knocking on door) I'm kidding." "Feel, Nick." "WINSTON:" "Nick, will you be paying for bonus time?" "He can't;" "He is all out of quarters." "SCHMIDT:" "Uh, Nick?" "Your dad's here." "Very funny, Schmidty, but my concentration will not be broken." "Hey-ya, Nickels." "Come on, kid, bring it in." "Come on!" "(Laughs)" "Hello, Mr. Miller." "Welcome to our home." " Feely-Cup?" " Oh, yeah." "Bring it on." "Watch this." "Tampon..." "Wrapped in duct tape..." "And dipped..." "in baking powder." " Is that what it is?" "Oh, it is." "WINSTON:" "Boom!" " Next level Feely-Cup." " Hello, Mr. Miller." "♪ Who's that girl?" "♪" "♪ Who's that girl?" "♪ ♪ It's Jess. ♪" "This is a pleasant surprise." "What brings you to Los Angeles, Dad?" "Let me just, uh, clean up a little bit." "You know, I just thought I'd stop by." "I'll sleep in your bed, you can go on the couch." "Sounds like us." "Hey." "So, what does Mr. Miller do?" " Businessman." " A what?" " He's a con man." "He is a con man." "He is a damn business-- What are you talking about?" " He's a con man." " He's a businessman." "Winston's obsessed with Walt." "That moustache first of all-- what?" "!" "It's like the world's sexiest push broom." "A con man like, "What's the play?"" "The, uh, Ring-A-Doo Johnnycakes?" "The, uh, Hollow Leg Swap-Em-Out?" "Yes, exactly." "Fake trombones for a fake band." "Harold Hill!" "Music Man?" "(Chuckling) No, he is not a con man, okay?" "You know, he sometimes used to sell hats." "There you go, boys-- enjoy." "Thanks, Dad." "So many hats." "Okay, technically, they were misprints." "This says:" ""Chica Go Bills."" "Let's go, guys-- these hats suck." ""Chica Go Bills" is, uh, actually Spanish for "Young girl, go Bills."" "Who's gonna mess with a guy who's wearing a hat that says, "Young girl, go Bills?"" "I mean, the answer is everybody." "They will, they mess with you." "(Nick groaning)" "Oh, my..." "Nick, please do not angry-fix the sink." "I'm not angry-fixing;" "I'm fixing!" "You want to know why I'm messed up?" "Why I don't trust people?" "Why I have anger issues?" "Oh, yes, I do want to know." "Why I have the blood pressure of a hummingbird?" "(Rapid banging)" "(Shouting):" "Do you think this is maybe about your dad?" "WALT:" "And so Nickels comes into my room screaming, "Daddy, Daddy."" "So I go, "What's wrong?"" "He says, "Daddy, I have a tick at the end of my tinkle."" "Oh, my God!" " This is not a story for everyone." " And sure enough, there is a tick at the end of his little penis." "Not a story for this moment." "That's how he got the nickname "Little Penis."" "Oh, stop calling me that." " What are we gonna do with this guy?" " I have no idea, Pop-Pop." " Don't call him Pop-Pop." " That's his nickname." " The nickname is longer than Walt." " But that's the nickname that I gave him." "Yeah, but it's really weird that you call my dad Pop-Pop." " I like Pop-Pop." " You don't get it." "You don't get it." "Yeah, fine, just don't call him Pop-Pop, so..." "I think it's time for another drink." "What do you say, gorgeous?" "You want to give an old man a hand?" "Sure." "I don't know, Nick." "A lot of charm coming from this end of the booth." "'Cause that's what he does." "He lures you in with his charm and his moustache and his perfect hair." "I feel like you need to talk to him about this." "Right, 'cause I'll just tell him how I feel, and everything will be okay 'cause that's really the way the world works." "Took the words right out of my mouth, Little Penis." " It's not a thing." " I love a good nickname." "Not... not gonna stick." "You know, when Nick is not working here, the service is abysmal." "I mean, how many times did I have to repeat the words, "Lemon Drop shot"?" "Yeah, I think he was making fun of you." "For what?" "Working hard and playing hard?" "I guess the joke is on me." "(Cell phone rings) Another Indian guy?" " My mom set me up." " Oh, your mom." " That's cool." " Mm-hmm." "Have fun with your, your Devs... and your..." "and your An-Anujs... or your Deepaks." "Whatever Patel you're dating." "I'm-I'm not sweating it." "His name's Pavun, Pavun Shetty." "What?" " As in, as in "Shetty Solutions"?" " I think so." "Why?" "They only nailed the crowd-control logistics of Bombay's revamped open-air market." "I thought you weren't sweating it." "I'm not sweating it." "Sweating it." "Killing me with that Drop, dude." "You really seem to care about Little Nicky." "I mean, look at him." "He looks like Hilary Swank mixed with a sad, wet dog." "Do you think he's really angry at me?" "I think you need to talk to him." "All I'm looking for is a second chance." "You don't happen to believe in second chances, do you, Blue Eyes?" "Actually, I, um..." "I'm a bit of a sucker for second chances." "They're my first favorite kind of chance." "Have you ever been to the racetrack?" "NICK:" "Back at the tracks with my dad." "When Nick was a kid, he would come to the track with me all the time." "And if I got in trouble, he would get me out of it by doing the Sugar Ray." " Oh, the Sugar Ray." " What's a Sugar Ray?" "It's when I pretend to be a diabetic kid so the man who is threatening to beat up my father would run off scared." "You see, we did have some good times, didn't we?" "Now, come on, let's make a bet." "Here you go." "What's the catch?" "What catch?" "There is no catch." "What possible catch can there be?" "All I want you to do is make a bet." "All right, Pop, you want me to lose your money?" "I'll be happy to." "Schmidt." "Robby?" "Robby, what are, what are you doing here, man?" " I'm spying on Cece." " Cece." "You know, I'm still in love with her, so... this is pretty much your basic broken-hearted spying thing." "It's why I got this hat." "Aw, come on, Robby, you got to get over that." "Wait a second, are you spying on Cece, too?" "No." "What?" " Are you still in love with Cece?" " No, that's still..." "Yes, I am." "It's killing me." "Me, too!" "Bring it in, man." "(Grunts)" "What are you two doing here?" " Whoa, hey." " Cece?" " Just nothing, we're just..." " Yeah, you know." "Do you think that she saw me?" "What?" "Of course she saw you." "Do you think she saw me?" "Well, yeah, you don't have a hat on." "Nicky only had one dream when he was a kid-- to own a family horse." "That is so surprising 'cause it just doesn't seem like..." "Nick hates living things, so, like, it just doesn't really seem like in line with what I know about him." "All right, look..." " I want to buy a horse." " Uh-huh." "For me and Nick to own together." " Oh!" " I found this beautiful horse." " Gorgeous!" " Right." "Me and you are gonna talk the guy down." "I don't know how to do that." " I'll take care of that." " Okay." "Hey-ya, Dusty." "Aw, ya gotta be kidding me!" "How'd he find me?" "Who was that?" "Eh, don't worry about him." "What do you know about horses?" "I know they're big." "Perfect." "JESS:" "This is a very sad case." "I mean..." "My niece, she goes to veterinary school." "We're all very proud of her." "JESS:" "Top of my class." "So, what do you, uh, what do you think?" "Terrible horse." "She's very sickly." " He." "He..." "He." " He..." "He." "Oh!" "I wish I had brought my stethoscope." "I'm seeing a lot of split ends." "The mane is totally the wrong cut for the shape of his face." "So you're saying that this horse, right now, the way it is," " will never race again?" " Damn it, Uncle Buck!" "This horse will never race again!" "Why did you fly me all the way out from Grenada if you weren't gonna listen to me?" "(Quietly):" "Yes, con!" " Shh, shh, shh!" "Okay, there are people in life who you want to be unpredictable." "Your pothead neighbor, or Vice President Joe Biden." "And then there are people who you don't want to be unpredictable, like your dentist, or, I don't know, your father." "Look, Nick, my dad left when I was three." "Every single day, rain or shine, he just never came back." "I wish he'd been a little bit more unpredictable;" "That's all I'm saying." "I hear you." "And yeah, sure, Walt may owe me a couple hundred bucks, but it's not a big deal." "My dad owes you money?" "How much?" "Three, 400..." "like 1,100 bucks." "Oh, my God, he's with Jess." "He's gonna rip her off." "He's gonna rip her off." "I feel like Cece's making a big mistake with this Indian guy." " She should be with somebody like us." " Totally." "White Guy Power." "Okay, um..." " Cool Guy Power." " Now you're talking, Robby." " What are we gonna do?" " I don't know." "I mean, one billion Indian men is a daunting foe." "Suddenly I feel sympathy for Pakistan." "But it's like they say," ""How do you eat an elephant, Robby?"" "With chopsticks." " What?" " Slowly, with chopsticks." " That's-- no-- with chopsticks?" "!" " In a taco." " What?" " Elephant tacos." "Elephant tacos?" "Who eats elephant tacos?" " That's not even a saying." " Oh." "One bite at a time, Robby." " One bite at a time." " Yes." "One bite at a time." "This is what I'm thinking." "I use my superior powers of manipulation and persuasion to get Cece to take you back." "Once we've neutralized the sub-continental threat," "I smite you." " What?" " What?" "You said you're gonna smite me?" "Smite-- defeat gloriously for Cece's hand." " No, I know what it means." " But that's someday." "For now, let's scheme, my "broheem."" "Okay..." "I just want to reiterate that I'm not on board with the smiting." " Whatever." " But I like the "broheem" thing a lot." "Let's concentrate on the broheem part." " Concentrate on... okay." " And smite later." " Yeah, okay, yeah." " Cheers, broheem." "You got a great deal." " Good luck, Doc." " Thanks." "NICK:" "Dad!" " Hi, boys." " Can I tell him?" "I would rather keep it a secret." "Nick, your dream finally came true." "We got you a horse." " It's not my dream to own a horse." " What?" "Did you use my friend to buy a horse?" "(Cell phone rings) What?" "No, I swore you wanted...?" "Will you excuse me?" "I gotta take this call." "That is unbelievable, Dad." "He had this whole thing-- he was gonna name the horse "A Father's Love" 'cause you guys always wanted to have a horse together." "Tell me you didn't give him money." "Actually, actually, that's a funny story because I'm actually an investor in... (Groans):" "God!" "God!" "(Groans)" "Walid, drop dead!" "Damn, Pop-Pop." " Stop calling him Pop-Pop!" "WALT:" "Now, listen," "I already got people standing by to take the horse off our hands." "Horse semen in Dubai is gold." "No, you can't sell "A Father's Love."" "There's more to "A Father's Love" than just semen." "Ew, poetic, but ew." " Dad." " Dusty, I see you and we're doing this right now." "DUSTY:" "No, no, no, no, no...!" "WALT:" "Dusty!" "We got your back, Pop-Pop." "Damn, Pop-Pop, man." "Give me that." "(Grunting)" "Okay, okay, okay!" "Father, we got your back, Father." "Five hundred dollars?" "You stole $500 from her to buy that horse?" "I didn't steal anything from her." "She saw the opportunity for a business investment, and she took advantage of it." "I mean..." "Dad, she will believe anything." "That's not true, Nick." " My real name is Jamil." " It is?" "No, my name is not Jamil!" " Nick, that was not fair." " It is Nick, you know that!" "You told me in confidence." "How could you think my name was Jamil?" " Well, he's weird." " That's a good point." "Just wait for one hour." "You see, I go meet the buyer," "I sell them our horse for a huge profit, and because these suckers think our horse is Big Brown's nephew, they'll overpay." "Blue Eyes gets her money back with interest." "Sounds like a great plan." "We'll come with you." "And I'll watch you give Jess her money back." "Yeah!" "Please, please, don't do this to me." "We're doing it." "No, no, you..." "You don't understand, you're not a sales guy, okay?" "He... he starts to sweat." "Nick only sweats if there's lying involved." "And there's not lying involved, is there?" "We're coming with, Dad." "Check this out." " We get seersucker suits..." " Yeah." "And two more guys, and then we serenade her with a barbershop quartet." "Well, if we got ten more guys and a plan, we'd form an Ocean's Twelve." "I would be Brad Pitt, you'd be the crafty Asian fellow" " who does the, uh, who does the flippies." " Oh, I got a great idea." "We can name a star after her, all right?" "I know this Web site, and we could put one that's right near the Robbies one through eight." "You have eight stars?" "There's, like, a billion stars, they're really cheap." " But eight of them are yours?" " That's only going to go up in value." "It's a horrible investment." "I know she's into that Gandhi crapola." "We could self-immolate." " I feel like we're so close." " Wait, Robby." "I got it." "(Rhythmically pounding on door) SCHMIDT  ROBBY:" "Cool..." "Guy..." "Power!" "Cool..." "Guy..." "Power!" "(Chanting faster):" "Cool Guy Power!" "Cool Guy Power!" "Cool-- hey." " Is this happening?" " Yes." "Why are the two of you even together?" "Are you wearing a traditional sari?" " Yes." " I begged you to wear a sari." "I had all these sari-related sexual scenarios." " Shh!" " "Monsoon Bedding."" ""The Best Erotic Mari-bone Hotel."" " Stop that." " "Slum-Doggy-Style Millionaire"" "But, what, you're wearing the sari for who?" "Let me see this guy." " No!" "What..." "Schmidt!" "Robby!" " You're wearing it for him..." "SCHMIDT:" "Oh, my God." " Are you... you're having an orgy here?" " Mm-mm." " This is a big Indian orgy?" " Oh, for God sakes." " They're all wearing their clothes..." " I'm telling you, it's an orgy." "Pavun and I can't go on a date until our families... meet." " We saw you on a date earlier." " That wasn't a date." "I was meeting Pavun's uncle, Manish." "SCHMIDT:" "Manish." "That is Pavun." "Oh, that's Pavun." "Oh, my God, look at this guy, he's gorgeous." "SCHMIDT:" "What are you talking about?" "I don't have a chance here." "Look at his features." "Look at your features, man." "You're just as gorgeous." "I mean, kind of." "You're kind, you always have gum... and you've got so much pep." "ROBBY:" "You know what, look:" "You are confident, and you're punctual, and you came up with this awesome plan." "Yeah, we came up with this awesome plan." "Together." "You know what, screw it, I don't even care anymore." "White Guy Power!" " That's "white guy."" " All right, man." "Let's do it." "All right." "White Guy Power." "You got to quit it with that, man." "I'm telling you, it's a little racist." "Get out of here before I throw you out." " All right." " He is so organized, you know?" "I am just..." "I'm learning a ton." "I'm ready for this." "This is good." "JESS:" "This is really exciting." "This is my first middle of the night parking lot horse deal." "This is not gonna work, they're gonna..." "It's gonna work." "It's gonna work." " Gonna work fine." " Take control of this, please." " I got it, I got it." "Yes." " We got it." "We got it, Walt." "Hey, look, will you do me a favor, please?" "Let me handle this." "Just because my dad is in town," "I'm not gonna put you in harm's way." "Yup." "Okay." "Twist my arm." "I'll be the lookout." "Just keep your head down." "I've got this totally under control." "Hi-ya, fellas." " How you doing?" " Eh, I'm good." "You?" "I'm good." "Just getting over a little cold." "Yeah, I get a little agita myself every once in a while." "Hey, what's going on, everybody?" "How you guys doing?" "Nice to see you." "This is my dad;" "I'm Nick." "Cool half-turtleneck." " How you doing, fellas?" " Good." "Just getting over a little cold." "Good." "He makes the white?" "This horse is more semen than he is horse." "(Laughing)" "That's disgusting." "Good." "We want semen." "Well, you guys are gonna get semen." "You'll get a bunch of horse semen." "Wait until it's next to a lady horse." "Trust me." "What's the matter?" "Is sweat?" "I don't see sweating." "He's not sweating." "Why he sweating so much?" "No, no, no, I don't sweat too much." "Why is... are you a cop?" " Cop?" " No, no, no, no!" "Sweat like a cop." "Take off your clothes." " Why would I do that?" " Aw, just take off your clothes." "Take it now." "He just wants to see that you're not wearing a wire." "I would like you to defend me here." "Now!" "Take it off!" " Take it off." " No." " Now!" "Take it off!" " Take off your clothes!" "Take off your clothes!" "Take off your belt!" "Take off your belt." "Now, dance." "(Both singing folk song in native language)" "(Singing continues)" "Turn around." "Turn around." "Okay, okay, okay." "WALT:" "All right, all right, all right." "Yeah, look, look, He's got no wire." "He's not... he's not a policeman, he's..." "Guys, I'm not wearing a wire." "I'm not a cop." "I just sweat like this when I'm lying." "MAN:" "Lying?" " Lying?" "WALT:" "No." " Nobody is lying." " No..." "You lying to me?" "Tire iron!" "Tire iron!" "You're lying!" "(Gibbering)" "(Squawks, grunts)" "What is he doing?" "The... the gum!" "The gum had sugar in it." "MAN:" "These guys are weird." "Weird." "(Nick gibbers)" "MAN 2:" "Strange!" "MAN:" "You're weird." "(Gibbering)" "(Tires squeal as SUV drives off)" "(Engine starts)" "(Tires squealing)" "Now you have to talk to each other!" "You've been conned." "God, I'm good." "That's not a con, Jess!" "You're just driving away." "I was ready to get your friend's money back for her, okay?" "But you insisted on coming here." "You know what?" "You know what's funny about you?" "Somehow, you have made this... seem like my fault." "This isn't my fault!" "I didn't invite you here!" "JESS:" "Keep talking." "This is good for you guys." "Are you angry at me about something, Little Penis?" "I have been mad at you for 30 years, Dad." " 30 years?" " I am not a successful adult." "I don't eat vegetables and/or take care of myself." "And it's because of you." "Well, okay, maybe I'll take a little bit of that hit." "Look, it's not "taking a hit."" "It's just saying sorry." "I think you look cold." "I'm gonna give you my pants." " I don't want your pants." " Come on, take the pants!" " Dad, please don't do that." " You say I do nothing for you." " Let me give you my pants." " I don't want your pants!" "Don't do this." "Please don't do this." "Take my pants." "This is making it worse!" "Dad, the..." "This is ridiculous." "Okay." "All right, maybe, uh... maybe I did make some mistakes along the line, okay?" "We all make mistakes, Dad." "Hey, what do you say, tomorrow, we go to a game?" "Any game, you pick it out." "I'm in." "(Metal grinding)" "You're welcome!" "Son of a..." "This thing doesn't turn so well." "Do you think Cece and Pavun will make it?" "I don't know." "Really can't say." "What I can say is that one arranged marriage did take place today." "The marriage of Schmidt and Robby." "(Laughs) Hell, yeah." "I only dread the day that we defeat all the Indians, and must face each other in a duel to the death." "Yeah." "Buzz kill." "We're like Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid." "Except only one of us dies at the end of the movie." "It's gonna be you." "You're the one that's gonna die." " You want another beer?" " Sure do, compadre." "Hey, Walt." "What are you doing?" "I thought you were gonna go to a game with Nick today." "Going to get a bagel." "In Chicago." "No!" "No, I can't..." "No." "Um, I can't let you go." "This means too much to Nick." "You can't just say you're gonna do things and then not do them." " What was that?" " What was what?" " That." " What?" "What?" "Damn, you're good." "Listen, Blue Eyes, do me a favor, will ya?" "Will you tell him for me that I, uh..." "You know, that I..." "Just keep an eye on him for me, will ya?" "(Door closes)" "Jess, if you're gonna mess with my sink, put some goggles on." "Your eyes are twice the size of normal eyes;" "It's a bigger target." "Walt's gone." "(Wry laugh)" "I know how hard it was for you to talk to him, and I just... some people, I just don't under... they just-- aah!" "And I understand why you want to break pipes now." "Let's just drink a bunch and destroy the sink." "I don't need to break the pipes, Jess;" "I'm fine." "I mean, truth be told, I was happy to see him." "I thought if you talked to him that maybe..." "No..." "Look, Jess... people don't change." "If someone's broken, they just stay broken." "You're not broken." "I'm a little broken." " No, no, no... no." " Oh, yeah." "You should be so much worse." "Seriously, you could be picking up calls on a banana." "You could be, like," "(Goofy voice):" ""Hello?"" "I don't know how you made it out." "But... you're good." "Well, look, there's a lot I don't tell you." "I haven't done laundry in five months." "I'm not wearing underwear." " I'm just wearing a big sock right now." " Really." "A big sock." "(Laughs)" " A very big sock." " I got it." "(Quiet laugh)" "What do you think about this?" "We get a three-person canoe, okay?" "Then we got to her house and we rap on the door." "She answers the door, she sees the three-person canoe." "She realizes there's only two of us, and we say, "Ah, what a conundrum." "Please join us."" "How about this one?" "We get some night-vision goggles." "All right, that's all I got." "I don't..." "I don't know what else." "I mean, I would say Trojan horse, but..." "In this economy?" "I mean, we could always go on a hunger strike." "We enlist in the Navy, we quickly rise through the ranks, and then we can take her to the Naval Officer's Ball." "Feel like we're right there!"