"You wanted to see me, miss Wayland?" "Yes." "Sorry, Mr. kurtz couldn't be here." "He's out "researching" a case, which is code for lasering his back hair." "The man is a shag carpet, and I hope he dies soon." "Zelda, it's been a week." "Do you have an answer for me?" "Um..." "Yes." "Well..." "Kinda." "Kinda?" "It's complicated." "You know, I've always dreamed of being a partner here obviously, but the timing is, um..." "Difficult." "Difficult how?" "Um..." "[To tune of "dem bones"] ♪ first we're gonna take ♪" "♪ A deposition ♪" "♪ Then we go to court to file a motion ♪" "♪ Then we ask the judge for an extension ♪" "♪ But first we have some pretzels ♪" "Mmm." "[Cell phone vibrating]" "[Gasps]" "[Mouth full] Hello." "Hey." "You..." "Got something in your mouth?" "Congratulatory pretzels for being so excellent at being a lawyer, which is my job." "Well, congratulations." "I'll do all the talking." "Uh, my ex Madeline is in town and she wants to crash at my house for a few days." "Is that cool?" "Depends." "Is she attractive?" "I think I'm confident enough in our relationship that I can say "yes."" "When did you date?" "Oh, years ago." "Current relationship status?" "Engaged." "Oh, yeah. [Chuckles] We cool." "[Laughs] Awesome." "Uh, she gets in around 7:00 tonight and she really wants to meet you." "So..." "Come by my place around then?" "That's great!" "I've never met one of your exes before." "I can't wait to see how she measures up." "[Knock on door]" "Oh, my God..." "Ness gracious!" "Hello!" "You must be Zelda." "Yes." "I'm..." "Hot and sweaty." "Madeline." "You're Madeline." "[Laughs] Hello!" "Sorry." "I just got off the plane and did a quick 10-miler." "Ha!" "What a coincidence." "I just ate onion rings at a red light." "Oh!" "[Laughs] [Forced laugh]" "Andrew, you didn't tell me she was hilarious!" "You're hilarious." "[Laughs]" "Come inside." "He didn't tell me, uh, that you were so fit." "Oh." "Oh, well, I'm..." "I'm a personal trainer." "Ah." "On the weekends." "It's a nice respite from my 9 to 5 heading up the gates foundation malaria study." "What?" "Looks like you two are getting acquainted." "Yes." "Thank you." "Yes." "So when you do leave?" "How long are you staying here for?" "Sorry." "Oh, I'm just here for a couple of days." "I wanted to spend as much time as possible with my good friend Andrew after everything that went down." "What went down?" "My fiancé Jerry..." "On his business partner James." "Madeline just told me that they called off their engagement." "Okay." "Sad but true." "I'm a single women again on the prowl." "[Chuckles] Rawr." "[Laughs]" "Rawr rawr." "[Chuckles nervously]" "[Muffled voice] Rawr." "I can tell this story is not going to end well." "What is this?" "I don't even know anymore." "Thanks for coming tonight." "I know work things can be weird." "[Chuckles] You know what else is weird?" "Huh?" "[Laughs] That, uh, your ex-girlfriend breaks up with her fiancé and her, uh, first move is to crash on her ex-boyfriend's couch." "That's just a little..." "Little weird." "If it bothers you, I can put her in a hotel somewhere, like the Roosevelt." "No, I don't want to be that girl." "Plus, I think there's an awards show there or something this weekend." "I believe it's all booked up." "Trust me, Madeline and I are much better as friends." "We bonded a long time ago because both of us have mothers who passed away, and we've been there for each other in hard times." "That's all." "Speaking of hard times..." "My mom makes a mean vindaloo, and she says I can have girls over whenever I want." "I listened to you and Andrew do it when you guys used to date, and I think I figured out what you like." "Okay, I-I should probably go rescue her." "Are we cool?" "Yes." "I was just being silly." "I completely trust you." "I know I have nothing to worry about!" "You weren't being silly." "You shouldn't trust him." "You've got a lot to worry about." "What are you guys talking about?" "We all sensed it the moment we saw here." "Andrew's ex is a complete boyfriend stealer." "Lydia:" "And it takes one to know one." "Back in the day, if I had a notch on my bedpost for every boyfriend I stole, you would've thought my roommate was a beaver." "Don't let these weirdos bury the point." "That woman is trouble." "Andrew and Madeline: [Laugh]" "What do I do?" "She's supposed to crash on his couch for another two days." "The only thing a boyfriend stealer understands is brute force, which is why you need to coldcock that bitch with a sock full of oranges." "Okay, again, don't let these crazies water down the message." "You need to get her focused on another man." "This reminds me of that bar that we went to for oktober fest." "Do you remember?" "I slipped and I fell and I got a splinter in my butt." "Oh, yeah." "I still have the scar." "Yeah, there it is." "Sorry for the tan line." "No." "Yes." "No." "Showed him her butt." "Ew." "I know." "Ugh!" "Ugh." "Am I taking up too much of your time with this?" "No." "This is great, really." "Plus, I get to miss my stepdaughter's dance recital, and she is talentless." "Okay." "[Indistinct conversations]" "This was a great idea, setting Madeline up." "Her and, um..." "Jay." "Jay are really hitting it off." "Yeah." "Well, I'm just looking out for us ladies, you know what I'm saying?" "I hear that." "He's pretty cute, though." "Isn't he?" "Yeah, if you like flat asses." "What?" "Guys can't be critical of each other?" "How do you know him anyway?" "Um, with a... with the..." "[Mutters]" "Oh, my gosh." "Hey, Jay was just telling me that you guys used to date." "Jay: [Laughs] How funny is that?" "S funny." "[Laughing]" "[Mouth full] Okay, sorry." "So you set up your boyfriend's ex-girlfriend with your ex-boyfriend." "That's pretty..." "Clever." "I was gonna say childish." "[Popcorn rattles]" "He started it." "Okay, I have to ask." "Is this really about finding her a date?" "I mean, come on, admit it." "You were bothered by the fact that she was staying with me, and you're looking to prove a point." "I'm not." "I just wanted to set Madeline up with a great guy." "It just so happens that a lot of my exes are great." "Didn't you date a guy that was on "to catch a predator"?" "No." "I just said that I thought one of the predators was cute before I knew what I was watching." "Anyway, Madeline will be very lucky to date Jay." "He's a catch." "So is she." "She's smart and funny." "Okay, he's athletic and he reads, like, 100 books a day." "She tried to give her kidney to a stranger, but it wasn't a match." "Plus, the malaria thing is nothing to sneeze at." "Zelda, thank you so much for setting me up with Jay..." "Yeah." "But I just..." "I don't think I'm ready to start dating yet." "And plus, he's not really my type." "[Chuckles]" "Yeah, you're out of his league, anyway." "[Stomps heel] Mm." "And he's a... he's a catch, though." "He's a... he's a catch." "Yes." "They're both catches." "Hey." "Hey." "What would you think if I picked up my pen like this?" "[Chuckles] That you were coming on to me?" "Are you coming on to me?" "No." "Come." "Look at this." "That's the third time." "[Gasps] Yeah." "I invite down to my office and you make a mess of the place?" "[Chuckles] Well if number of pens is any indication, you're doing very well for yourself." "[Telephone rings]" "[Chuckles] Madeline is here for one reason, okay?" "And that is to get you back." "Can you give me a minute?" "Sure." "Thank you." "Good morning." "That is why she wasn't interested in Jay." "Andrew, how many pens does a girl have to drop before you take the hint?" "If you don't mind, I'm gonna take a run at this one." "Do you think you even stand a chance?" "She wants a cool and creative, not some number pushing nerd." ""L.A. weekly" named me one of their top young d.J.S of the year." "Wait a second." "You're dj doctor Dinesh?" "[Imitates record scratching] Oh!" "Showing up at a guy's workplace is a classic boyfriend stealer move." "Mm." "I once spent six hours in Morgan Stanley." "Stole two boyfriends and started an I.R.A." "Good day." "Listen, I fell in love with your sweet, optimistic, very, very positive view of the world." "But I think in this case, you are just being a little naive." "I'm not being naive." "[Whispers] She's not into me." "I'm telling you." "[Lowered voice] Are you having a bad call?" "I repeat... naive." "Yes, yes." "Thank you so much, sir." "I will relay that to the..." "The client." "I'm so sorry things didn't work out with Madeline." "I think she's... she's having trouble moving past an old relationship." "Yeah." "It happens." "I think I know why you really came to visit." "Oh, you do?" "Zelda:" "I guess that's common, though, exes still having feelings for each other." "Maybe you have some unresolved feelings for me, and that's why you decided to come back here." "But it... it can't happen because I'm in a relationship." "Andrew, just to be clear," "I came here because I'm going through a tough time and wanted the unconditional support of a good friend." "I'm sorry for thinking that was you." "I totally hear what you're saying." "Sometimes it's like you had something special with somebody, and it's... it's hard to make those feelings go away." "That's exactly what I'm saying." "[Chuckles]" "Hey, so she didn't want me back." "At all." "Oh, she... she didn't?" "Nope!" "You seem upset." "Oh, I do?" "Well, um, imagine if I forced you to go up to Jay and say, "I know you still want me."" "Right." "Yes." "If I said that to Jay..." "He would be mad." "Except not in this case because he frenched me." "He what?" "He stuck his tongue inside my mouth, and then I tried to push it out with my tongue, but that was the wrong move because that just seemed like more frenching." "Stop saying "frenching."" "You kissed your ex-boyfriend?" "But I immediately pushed him away." "Okay?" "And I-I didn't know that he felt that way." "I'm..." "I'm so sorry." "So first, you ruin my friendship with Madeline, and then you go and make out with Jay?" "I'm gonna fix this." "I gotta go." "Okay?" "[Line disconnects]" "[Sighs]" "Stephie." "[Chuckles]" "It works." "[E.D.M. Playing] Dinesh, man!" "Hey, Andrew, did you realize that Dinesh is actually..." "Zelda's ex-boyfriend kissed her." "It's beatdown time." "Let's ride." "All right, nerds!" "Let's go!" "Let's go!" "Puttin' together a posse to rough up a dude that put the moves on Zelda." "[Sighs] Which one of you are in?" "I am." "I will straight up destroy that guy... 'S credit." "[Laughs] Just point him out, and I will rain down taunts on him..." "From a safe distance." "Let's ride." "Or not." "Dinesh and sage:" "Whoo!" "Yeah!" "Circle the copters!" "We should take two cars, though, because I don't think we can all fit in my yaris." "Yeah, seriously, somebody else should drive." "I've been drinking all day." "Hey, Madeline." "Uh, do you have a minute?" "Yeah." "I was just getting in last-minute workout before my flight." "I decided to leave a day early." "[Door closes]" "Uh, so..." "Um, I know that you had a weird conversation with Andrew, and I just wanted to..." "I'm so sorry." "Can you come up?" "Yeah, I don't really wanna be around if Andrew thinks I'm just here to try to get him back." "Yeah, when he said that, um, some of it..." "Okay, all of it came from me." "I thought that you were here to steal him." "Yeah, you pretty much nailed it. [Laughs]" "Ahh. [Exhales] Excuse me?" "After my engagement ended, I was really lonely, and I thought I could just come back here and get Andrew." "It's so funny that you sensed that." "Yes." "Isn't it?" "Ha ha." "Andrew:" "Guys, this is a terrible idea." "Andrew, if a dude hits on your girl, he hits on all of our girls." "None of you have girls." "That's a choice." "We don't want to be tied down." "Right now, my beats are my girlfriend." "I bump into people on the street just to feel physical contact." "You're creeping me out." "You're on posse probation." "All right, here we are." "Hoo!" "You guys ready to go to jail?" "!" "No." "[Knocks on door]" "Jay!" "Get the hell out here!" "This is the last time you tongue Andrew's girlfriend in the mouth." "Stu, we really don't have to do this." "[Door opens]" "Jay:" "Andrew?" "What's going on here?" "Stu:" "I'll tell you what's going on here, sir." "You have served our country honorably, and you have earned the right to make out with anybody's girlfriend that you want." "Yes, and here is a v.I.P. Pass to club hakkasan in Las Vegas for whenever I'm spinning." "What?" "And here is a crisp 40 bucks." "You know, semper fi." "You guys, I'm..." "I'm not a real marine." "This is just to get on "the price is right."" "They always pick guys in the military." "So you kiss other people's girlfriends and you lie to get on game shows." "I mean, come on." "You're a..." "A genius." "[Laughs] So let's go in there, have some drinks." "Then we'll hit the army Navy store." "And then we'll go win us some jet skis." "I'm there." "Hey, you guys, what?" "Yeah!" "Ha ha!" "What are you..." "I wanna get a vacuum cleaner." "The worst posse ever." "Shut up!" "I'm taking the yaris!" "Just know that it wasn't personal." "Oh, yeah, I know." "The minute Andrew stood up for his relationship with you and I saw how much he cared about you," "I immediately pulled back." "What does not pulling back look like?" "Oh, you know..." "Like, side boob, and licking lollipops suggestively." "Yeah." "No, I know." "Mm-hmm." "[Chuckles] Lollipops." "I guess that's why he was so tough to get over." "I mean, when we met, it just seemed..." "Different." "How so?" "Well, I was living in San Francisco, and I locked eyes with this guy at the airport." "Then a week later, I moved to L.A., and I'm in a coffee shop, and there he is." "To me, it just seemed like an amazing coincidence, but he said that it was meant to be." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." "Okay, wait." "So..." "Isn't that what Andrew said to you on your first date, about how you guys met?" "Yep." "Not cool." "[Exhales sharply]" "[Crunching]" "[Cell phone vibrates]" "Hi." "What are you doing here?" "What are you doing here?" "I left work early to go beat up your ex-boyfriend, and now I am catching up on some work." "You beat up Jay?" "Did you know that he lies to get onto game shows?" "And he is a full-on posse stealer." "Well, what can I say?" "It seems I am drawn to deceptive men." "Are you..." "Referring to me?" "Yeah." "You know, the guy that I..." "And Madeline, apparently..." "Was meant to be with." "How many women have you said that to?" "Is that your move?" "You just use the universe as your wingman?" "No." "Zelda..." "Look, um..." "I thought I meant that when I said it to her, but I know I mean it when I say it to you." "Right." "Okay." "Until it doesn't work out, and then you really mean it with the next girl." "Oh, come on, Zelda." "There's not gonna be a next girl." "Okay, but I'm sorry, you can see that those words seem a little empty to me right now." "What am I supposed to say?" "I want you to say something to convince me that this is different." "How am I supposed to do that?" "It's not like I can predict the future." "I'm not asking you to predict the future." "Well, I can't guarantee that we're gonna be together forever." "Well, that's too bad, because I was offered a partnership in the firm, and it means moving to New York." "[Inhales deeply]" "[Voice breaks] And I didn't know what to do until just now." "What are you saying?" "Uh, this job is a sure thing, and I don't..." "I don't wanna turn it down for something that isn't." "So based on what you told me," "I would say your decision is pretty clear." "You're right." "I wanna move to New York." "You're really going away forever then?" "No, that is in another four months." "This is just a trip to check out the east coast offices." "I will be back in a week." "[Voice breaks] So I guess this is really good-bye then." "Oh, is that your y2k doomsday clock?" "Yes, it is." "Hmm." "I knew I'd find another use for it." "I'm gonna set it for the day that you leave." "I'm making the right decision, right?" "Yes." "This job is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity." "It really is." "But it'd probably be the end of you and Andrew." "Maybe that was inevitable." "[Horn honks]" "[Telephone ringing]" "This'll be your office." "Uh, the firm will pay for your travel expenses, and, uh, set you up with an apartment." "Uh, we have an in-house gym." "As you can probably tell, I'm a bit of a joker." "[Inhales sharply]" "Right." "Yes, I..." "Oh, well. [Chuckles]" "There's more where that came from." "Oh." "Okay." "I'm go get your key to the partner kitchen, so..." "Thank you." "Ba-dum-dum." "Oh. [Chuckles]" "We're really sorry for turning on you last night." "And just so you know, me and the posse ran Jay right out of town." "Well, technically, we dropped him off at the airport so he could fly to Aspen for his showcase win." "I can't believe Zelda hasn't checked in with me the whole time she's been in New York." "Forget about Zelda." "[Cell phone clatters]" "I brought you out here tonight so you can completely get her off your mind." "You do realize this is where we had our first date, right?" "I did not know that." "And these seats that you chose are the exact seats that we were sitting in?" "Yikes." "That is unforch." "You could've stopped that, though." "Let me..." "Let's get some drinks." "[Breathes deeply]" "My friend here will have a Manhattan." "That's where Zelda is." "On the rocks?" "Which is what you and Zelda are." "I'm sorry." "Let's go to another place." "No." "Hold on." "You know what?" "Just, uh..." "Give me a second." "Don't kill yourself." "To the sisterhood of women!" "We ran that girl Madeline out of town." "She was a man stealer." "A home wrecker." "A dong thief." "And what did we do about it?" "Basically just talked crap about her until she went back to Milwaukee." "Mm-hmm." "Where she belongs." "Cheers!" "Cheers." "This is Zelda." "Leave a message." "Uh, it's me." "I know you're in New York, and, uh, I know you're not gonna be back till Friday, but I needed to say something." "Um..." "[Exhales deeply]" "You're right." "I have been naive, and there's..." "Probably no such thing as "meant to be."" "But..." "I don't care because..." "I wanna be with you." "What are you doing back?" "I didn't like the view from my office." "Man and woman: ♪ hey!" "♪" "Oh!" "[Laughs]" "Thanks for bringing your boy." "Thanks for bringing your girl." "♪ Whoa oh, oh ♪" "You think they'll make it?" "Give it about four months." "[Chuckles] I think they'll get married." "[Scoffs and laughs] ♪ hey!" "♪" "Look at us, all role-reversally..." "You being the pessimist, and me being the op..." "Posite of that." "People do change, Stuart." "Narrator:" "Andrew and Zelda will date for four months, three weeks, five days, and six hours." "This television program is the comprehensive account of their relationship." "From A to Z."