"(piano music)" " Let me tell you a story of William Henry Harrison." "He was the ninth President of the United States." "He was the president who had the shortest term of any president, it was less than a month." "He was an aristocrat, grew up in Virginia in a fancy mansion." "If you can find a picture online, you should show it." "William Henry Harrison was 68 years old." "68 back then was like, the age expectancy of a man born his age was 40." "And so it'd be like 110 years old." "And he was like, listen, I'm not gonna wear a coat to my inauguration because I need to show the American people I'm a strong dude." "So he went up there and he fucking spoke for an hour and forty five minutes with no microphone," "shouting at the top of his lungs, in snow and rain with no coat on, cold as shit." "And he was 68 years old and it weakened him." "Maybe I should have worn a coat, or had an umbrella over my head at my inauguration." "I don't feel so good, at 68 years old." "(funky cell phone ringtone)" "Hello?" "I drank, I drank a lot of booze, Ma." "Vodka and beer." "Happy Mother's Day." "He was an old fashioned dude." "And he was like, this, I'm gonna do all the grocery shopping for the White House myself." "He went out one day in late March, it was cold and windy in Washington D.C." "and he bought all the groceries for the White House and he caught pneumonia." "(dramatic music)" "And he got really sick." "(J.D. throwing up)" "William Henry Harrison." "God bless him." "He's been President for less than 30 days and he gets sick as shit." "Super pneumonia." "The doctors come by and they're like, they're 1840s doctors, they don't know anything, they don't even know about antibiotics yet." "They're like, hey William Henry Harrison, here's some leeches." "Put some leeches on you." "Here's some snakes." "They did this." "They were like, let these snakes bite you for a little bit and these snakes will make you all better from pneumonia." "(laughs)" "Then William Henry Harrison was lying there dying, and the doctors are throwing snakes and leeches on him." "(laughs)" "Sucking his blood." "And he dies." "Guy was President for so little time." "It's crazy." "Less than 30 days." "A crazy little amount of time for President." "Last words, William Henry Harrison says to the doctors, it's something like, well make sure the government runs good." "Make sure the government runs good." "And that's the end." "So the big lesson of William Henry Harrison is that, is don't elect an old dude for President." "(inspiring music)" "Drink a lot, drink a lot of booze, you guys entertain, entertaining show."