"Happily Divorced is shot before a live audience." "Oh." "It's for me." "Oh, boy, folks, it's the end of an era." "Yup, Elliot, my almost-love-of-my-life, just friended me on Facebook." "Well, it's confirmed." "He's officially just my friend." "Is that you cutting Mr. Elliot off, or cutting something off of Mr. Elliot?" "What happened to you saying you were completely over him?" "Saying, thinking, lying." "Aw, you know what, franny?" "I'm-a take you to same place my mother used to take me when I came home sad from school." " Where?" " Happy hour, baby." "Oh, what's so happy about sitting on my ass at a bar, trying to make a $15 sprite last for five hours?" "Come on, franny, let's go to the bar." "The drinks are half-off, and the place will be crawling with men." "Oh, great, so my next husband will be an alcoholic schnorrer?" "No, Judi, I got to get off of this dating hamster wheel already." "I think for the next six months," "I'm just gonna do no men, and no sex." "You know, if you count time served, you only have a week left." "Oh." "Guess who just found the perfect guy at the gym?" "Mm-hmm." "Oh, Peter, what do you think is gonna happen?" "You think magically you're gonna feel whole, just because you've got some guy on your arm?" "You think that that is what's going to make you happy?" "Because if you do, that's sad." "Very, very sad." "The guy is for you." "Jewish?" "Â™ª she was certain that he was her one and only â™ª â™ª but their union always seemed a little forced â™ª â™ª she got married anyway â™ª â™ª turns out that he was gay â™ª" "â™ª they're still in love, but now she's happily divorced â™ª" "Well, this evening couldn't be any more perfect." "A beautiful woman, a fine paulliac, and I got a cat-sitter at short notice." "So you have a cat?" "Yeah, I have an old dog." "A rescue." "Peter didn't want her." "Luckily he didn't want you, either, or we wouldn't be here." "So tell me, Harold, what do you do for fun?" "I talk to dead people." "I'm a parapsychologist." "It's a hoot!" "Well, uh, so, uh, you study ghosts, huh?" "Well, tell me, you know, like, what if there was something strange going on in my neighborhood, who am I gonna call?" "Ah!" "I-I don't follow." "It was a movie..." "Eh, never mind." "I can get another bottle." "No." "No, um," "I have a very early appointment in the morning, and, look, it's already... 6:15." "Ay." "See?" "The night is young." "We have three enchanted hours before I have to feed the meter." "Why risk a $45 ticket?" "Maybe we should go now." "Okay, you don't need to be a PhD... although I am one..." "To see what's going on here." "Fran, first impressions aren't my specialty, but can I at least entice you to stay and have a simple dinner with me?" "Well, you did already give them your groupon." "I know it seems as if I'm coming on strong." "It's just, I get a little nervous around stunning women." "Oh, that's so sweet." "Ah, headway." "Now that I'm on a roll, do you like music, Fran?" "Yes, I love music." "What's happening?" "Stop!" "What's wrong?" "I got a text." "I got a text." "Oh, my God, my girlfriend was in a terrible car accident." "I'm gonna have to go." "That's my phone." "Oh." "Boy, you are so cute when you get caught." "Yeah, how can I put this gently?" "Harold..." "This is a horrible date, and we are never gonna happen." "Playin' hard to get, Ms. Lovett?" "I love it!" "You know what?" "I'm gonna go to the ladies' room." "If you'll excuse me." "There are bars on the window." "But as long as we're up, what say we trip the light fantastic?" "Uh, but Harold, there's no, uh, music here." "I'm sorry." "Ooh, look who's back from her date." "Must have been sweet." "It was a horror!" "Just out of curiosity, what was it about that yutz that you thought I would be even remotely interested in?" "It was the worst two hours of my life." "Hmm, it's after midnight." "If the date was two hours, where you been?" "I went to have a drink with Judi." " You had a drink with Judi?" " Uh-huh, yeah." " Hmm." " Got together." " Yeah." " Girl talk." "Sure." "How is Judi doing?" "Oh, you know, she's fine." "She was just feeling fat in her jeans." "Piling up the carbs." "Poor girl needs some lovin'." "Oh." "Oh, look at this." "Oh, speak of the devil, it's Judi." "Oh, look, she sent me a picture of me." "Oh, boy, my ass looks huge in that dress." "Which is this dress." " Oh, Judi!" " Shut up." "Fran, why'd you make up a whole story about being with Judi?" "I'll get it, since I have to lose weight, anyway." "I didn't want you to worry." "I wanted to go to have a drink by myself, all alone." "Fran, you left your jacket in my car." "With Elliot." "Well, thanks for bringing me back my jacket, Elliot." "I'm kind of glad you left it." "Can't get enough of me, huh?" "Uh, Fran, can we talk in private?" "Oh, sure." "You know, Fran, it's very late..." "I'm really glad you called, you know." "I've been wanting to talk to you about something all night, but I didn't know if you'd be cool with it." "Oh, well, now I'm intrigued." "Aren't you, Peter?" "So, um, Fran, if you don't want to, you don't have to." "I want to." "You don't know what it is, yet." "I don't care." "You see, the thing is, I started therapy..." " Mm-hmm." " And it turns out that I have..." "Commitment issues." " Right." " Yeah." "So my therapist thinks it's best if I bring someone who's been through this with me, and so he said that..." "Okay." "You didn't let me finish." "Oh, sorry." "Go ahead." "So I was hoping maybe tomorrow..." "I'm free in the morning." "The session's in the afternoon." "Perfect." " Great." " Yeah." " I'll text you the address." " Okay." "Mwah." "Drive carefully." "Good seeing you!" "Bye!" "I love you." "Oh, wait!" "What time was it, again?" "Peter, did you hear?" "He just said "afternoon."" "I don't believe you." "The guy shows up, and he says, "Fran," ""hey, how 'bout you go to therapy with me, so I can get you all excited again, so I can dump you?"" "And what do you say?" ""Sounds great, what should I wear?"" "Please, like I don't already know what I'm gonna wear?" "Who are you divorced from?" "What exactly did you tell your therapist?" "Um, well, you know, I told him that I'm having difficulty committing to a stable relationship..." " Mm-hmm." " And, you know, that my mother was always..." "About me." "I told him you were great, Fran." "In fact, thanks so much for doing this." "Oh, listen, what are friends for?" "The important thing is that we both know this is your problem, and we're here to fix you." "Good afternoon." "Oh, my God!" "Look at this." "I just got a text." "My girlfriend was in a terrible accident." "That's my phone." "Oh." "Dr. meyers, this is..." "Oh, I know who this is." "You're a doctor?" "You know, a little dating tip, you might want to open with that, instead of," ""thank God I found a cat-sitter."" "Well, I want women to date me for who I am, not just because I can write a prescription for Xanax." "Why?" "Would it have made a difference?" "Wait a second, you two dated?" "Yeah, Peter fixed us up." "How does that make you feel?" "Jealous?" "Angry?" "Longing for a commitment?" "Look, I'm supposed to be asking the questions." "Uh, Fran, sit down." "Although, I'm not sure now that I should continue with this session, given the nature of our relationship." "Relationship?" "Elliot, uh, there are many well-respected colleagues of mine who would be happy to..." "No, it's okay." "Maybe this is even better." "You two spent time together." "So tell me, why would I reject someone like this?" "Yeah, why?" "Well, Fran is a very lovely woman." "She is intelligent, beautiful, funny." "I can see how you'd feel strongly about her." "He is a very wise doctor." "But if you're looking for a mature, angst-free relationship with this woman, run now, run hard, run fast." "How good can he be?" "His office is above a quizno's." "Fran is attracted to emotionally unavailable men." "It's quite common." "She wants what she can't have, then when she gets it, she doesn't want it anymore." "Listen, just because we didn't hit it off..." "Oh, I hit it off quite well." "You rejected me, because I was emotionally available." "Uh, okay." "Yeah, sarcasm." "Classic knee-jerk defense mechanism." "Let me see, daddy's girl, hyper-critical mother, and aging pet you sublimate for a child..." "So?" "So the root of your problem is obvious." "Excuse me." "A-aren't we supposed to be dealing with my issues?" "Shh!" "We're having a breakthrough here." "Go ahead, doctor." "The reason you are drawn to unavailable men is because of the emotional devastation you suffered when Peter came out." "Well, you know, I was shocked." "I don't know if I would say, "devastated."" "Oh, yes, you were." "He told me you tried to run him over in the driveway." "That was an accident." "I couldn't see behind me." "He always leaves the rearview mirror pointing at his face." "Don't you see, it's quite simple." "What prevents you from opening up to an attractive, available, renaissance man-- I.E., me-- is that you fear ever reliving the pain that Peter caused you." "Oh, my God." "Doctor..." "So what you're saying is, all this is..." "My fault?" "Yes." "So you're saying this yutz doctor said that your problems with Elliot are my fault?" "Oh, so you admit you set me up with a yutz?" "Let me get this straight." "So even if you meet a guy, and you fall in love, and you get married, and you go off to Australia, and he gets eaten by a dingo, it's still my fault because I came out?" "Yup." "For anybody here who thinks being gay is a choice, who would choose this?" "So, darling..." "Tell us about this doctor, who wasn't good enough for a 46-year-old woman with no prospects." "Well, he thinks that I go after unavailable men because I am afraid of getting hurt again, the way Peter hurt me." "Franny, cut Pete some slack." "He's a beautiful guy, he cooked a delicious dinner, and he made my favorite chocolate chip cake." "Glen, I didn't have time to bake." "Son of a bitch!" "I think that we should go to therapy together, so that I can release my unresolved anger issues towards you, and not want to back over you with the prius." "I knew that wasn't an accident!" "Well, you know what?" "I'm sorry, I can't." "I just got a whole bunch of new listings." "You can't you make a little time on tuesday?" "No, completely booked till friday." "Good, 'cause that's when it is." "Oh, well, I can't do friday, because I am in an open house right up until 5:00." "Perfect, it's at 6:00." "Son of a bitch." "All right, everyone, welcome." "As you know, we're all here to overcome our unresolved anger issues from the past." "Why do we need a helmet?" "Fran, we haven't begun yet." "Oh, sorry." "Now we need a couple of volunteers to, uh..." " To help demonstrate..." " Batter up!" "All right, now, as everyone knows, dealing with your anger can save a marriage." "Oh, we're divorced." "Really?" "For how long?" "Well, ever since he woke me up in the middle of the night, after 18 years of marriage, to come out." "Should I be wearing a cup?" "All right." "Now before we start..." "You rejected me, and ever since then," "I can only go after men that don't want me, so I won't get hurt." "Ow." "I guess we started." "Honey, it's been two years, and I didn't reject you, I'm gay." "It's still a rejection!" "Do you see what I have to deal with?" "Don't try to get them on your side." "Okay, okay, so Peter is gay, and Fran is feeling rejected." "But Fran, he only came out two years ago." "So what does that have to do with anything?" "Well, rejection issues usually stem from incidents much deeper in your past." "You know, I think you might be onto something." "Yes." "Yes, it's not about me." "It's deeper in your past, way, way, way before I came out." "When we were 19..." "Ah, crap." "We had been seeing each other for six months, and we cut calculus, because the mcrib had just been reintroduced, and we were lying on the quad, and I kissed you, and you looked into my eyes and you said," ""I love you..." "But I'm not in love with you."" " Ooh!" " Right?" "And that made me want him even more, and got me on this whole sick pattern of going after men who are unavailable." "Oh." "All right!" "All right, all right!" "How much longer do I have to live with this?" "I was confused, you were moving too fast, and I was scared!" "Peter, express your anger with the bat." "Oh, no, no, I can't do that." "Because he has nothing to be angry about." "Oh!" "Fran, I'm so sorry." "I'm so sorry." "It's just that when you love someone so much and they keep telling you how you ruined their life, it just gets to you." "Why do you think I keep trying to set you up and find you somebody?" "Oh, I don't know, to relieve your guilt?" "No, it's because I can't be happy until I know that you are happy too!" "Aww!" "I know!" "Oh, Peter, that's so sweet." "Maybe I have been a little bit insensitive." "Thank you both so much, that was very good." "Oh, thank you." "Yes, thank you." "That was very insightful." "You two can sit down now." "No, we're gonna go now, 'cause we're not really that interested in these other people's problems." "You know, I'm really glad we did that therapy." " Oh, me too." " I feel totally cleansed." "Now I understand why I was obsessing on Elliot, it's because I can't have him..." " Hmm." " Yet." "Most important, you realized that blaming me is not going to be healthy for either one of us." "Yes, I do, and I..." "I'm very sorry about that." "Here's to closing the door on old wounds." " To closure." " Yay." "Ahh." "So when you said..." "Wow." "When you said that you loved me, but you weren't in love with me..." " Closure?" " Yeah, yeah, soon." "What did you mean?" "Ugh, Fran, I don't know." "I was 19, I was a kid." "I wasn't ready." "I mean, you understand that, don't you?" "Yeah, I guess so." "Good night, sweetie." "But, Peter..." "Were you ever...?" "Madly and deeply in love with you." "And to be honest, it's still hard for me to see you with another guy." "Ditto." "Good night, sweetie."