"(music) Thank you for being a friend" "(music) Traveled down the road and back again" "(music) Your heart is true" "(music) You're a pal and a confidant" "(music) And if you threw a party" "(music) Invited everyone you knew" "(music) You would see" "(music) The biggest gift would be from me" "(music) And the card attached would say" "(music) Thank you for being a friend (music)" "[Doorbell]" "Oh, yeah." "It's your cab, honey." "Have a wonderful time at the wedding." "Be sure to give Phil and the family my love." "Before I go, I need your opinion on something." "What should I give Phil's daughter as a wedding gift?" "Your grandmother's lace tablecloth, or 50 bucks towards getting a neck?" "Give her the tablecloth." "You're right." "She's got a husband." "He doesn't care that she looks like Abe Vigoda, why should I?" "See you in a couple of weeks, pussycat." "[Blanche] So, what with our busy careers and full social lives, we felt we really needed a full-time housekeeper." " What do you think of our home?" " Lovely." "Last place I was had bars in the windows and a big wall with guard dogs." " Sounds like quite a security system." " The best." "San Quentin." "Fifteen years I spent in that stinking hole." "I saw violence, I saw despair," "I saw Johnny Cash eight times." "Well, I guess that concludes the interview," " unless there are any questions." " I have a question." "Does Johnny Cash ever wear plaid?" "It's not her fault." "She's from Minnesota." "We'll be in touch." "Oh, girls, we have interviewed dozens of people, we haven't met one likely candidate." "Maybe our standards are too high." "[Doorbell]" " May I help you?" " [Jamaican accent] Yes." "Does the mean-looking white woman I just passed live here?" " No." " Oh." "Then I come to apply for the housekeeping position." " Please, please, come right in." " Thank you." " I'm Marguerite Brown." " I'm Dorothy." "These are my roommates, Blanche, Rose." " Please, sit down." " Well, thank you." "Well, why don't you begin by telling us a little about yourself." "Well, there isn't much to tell." "I'm hardworking and honest, and I'll work for a reasonable wage." "That's it?" "All right, I won't go on with this charade any longer." "There is something else." "I'm black." "Now, if that's a problem for you, I'm white." "Now, of course, that'll cost you extra." "Oh, Marguerite, I could kiss you." "And I don't go for that freaky stuff." "Neither do Dorothy and I." "[Phone rings]" "Excuse me." "Hello?" "Hello, Norman, darling." "Are we still on for tonight?" "But you said we..." "But you promised..." "I see." "All right." "Bye-Bye." "I don't understand." "That's the second time Norman has canceled." "Maybe he's not interested." "Not interested?" "Don't be silly." "I am the most attractive and available woman in all of Miami, now that Miss Donna Rice has moved to Hollywood." "I don't mean to pry, but maybe I know a way to get Norman's attention." "If it involves silk sheets and a parochial school outfit," "I've already tried it." "Here, take this." "It's worked for my grandmother, it's worked for my mother." "Dab a little behind your ears and whomever you desire will come to you." " What is it?" " It's a gift." "Keep it." "Marguerite, there's no need to bribe me." "As far as I'm concerned you have the job." " Fine with me." " Me, too." " Can you start tomorrow?" " I'll be here bright early." " We'll see you then." " All right." "Be sure and use that just like I told you now." " Yes, ma'am." "Bye." " [Marguerite] Bye." "Ooh, what an absolutely charming woman." " I wonder what this is." " I'll bet it's a love potion." "Ah, Rose, come on, honey." "There's no such thing as a love potion." "Sure there is, Dorothy." "My grandparents got together because of a love potion." "Well, actually it was a foot salve Gramps accidentally swallowed." "You see, Grandma was the nurse who pumped his stomach, but she was new and she attached the nozzle to the wrong place." "Next thing you know, they were engaged." "I don't care what's in this." "It's worth a try." "I'll do anything to get Norman's attention." "If you get Norman's attention, it won't be because of what is in that bottle." "But if it does, I'll sell my mother for an ounce." "Girls." "Girls, look what I found under my bed." "Gee, that's the most colorful dust ball I've ever seen." " This is no dust ball, Rose." " What do you think it is?" "It's a rock." "I think it may be some kind of charm." "It is." "I learned it from my grandmother." "You see, you put a specially-painted rock beneath a person's bed to bring them a restful sleep." "Are you saying that you put this under my bed?" "But I was only trying to be helpful." "I figured with those terrible bags, you needed the rest." "Dorothy always looks like that." "Besides, it would take a lot more than rest to get rid of those babies." "Why don't you all take turns hitting me with a two-by-four?" "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to cause any trouble." "I think Marguerite's been inhaling a little too much Pine-Sol." "Wait a minute." "Weren't you just saying this morning how much better you're sleeping lately?" "That's right, you said you hadn't slept so well in years." "It has nothing to do with this rock." "Look, I like Marguerite as much as you do, but she's been here a week and she is not doing a very good job." "I think she's doing a terrific job." "Why, ever since she gave me that potion," "Norman's been on me like white on rice." "I'm talking about..." "White on rice?" "All right, maybe she's lax on the housework." "She is more than a little lax." "She's habitually late, she's broken a number of glasses and she threw out People Magazine before I could read it." "Look at all the wonderful things that have happened since Marguerite started working here." "Blanche is dating Norman, you're sleeping better than you have in years and Sandy Duncan is finally back on TV." "I think we should have a little talk with her." "You know Sandy Duncan?" "Look, Marguerite didn't throw out People." "[Laughing] Oh, good." " Morning, Rose." " Hi, Dorothy." "Why are you cleaning the kitchen?" "This is Marguerite's job." "I know exactly what you're going to say, but I talked to Marguerite on the phone and she has a good excuse for being late." "Fine, what is it?" "[Sighing] She had to go pluck a hair from the chin of a dwarf." "And you fell for that old excuse." "Has either of you girls seen Marguerite?" " She's not here yet." " I wished you'd look at this." "She melted my buttons with the iron." "Now I'll never be able to open my blouse again." "It's a dark day in the history of mankind." "Maybe we'd better have another talk with Marguerite." "Look, I think we've had enough talks." "It's time we did something about this." "Oh, Dorothy, you don't think we ought to fire her." "Look, Marguerite is a lovely person." "She just cannot do the job." "[Sighing] I hate to admit it, but you're right." "We had a similar situation back in St. Olaf, with Mrs. Gunderson, our grade school teacher." "Oh, she was the nicest woman you'd ever want to meet, but as the years went by, she got her facts a little confused." "[Sighs] In biology class she started telling kids" "While we were studying WWI, she told us mustard gas was something you got from eating too many hot dogs." "That's why to this day in St. Olaf, everyone celebrates the 4th of July with a thin omelet on a bun." "What do you say after we fire Marguerite, we each chip in and get Rose a CAT scan." "Rose, is there a point to your story?" "Well, of course there's a point to it." "Mrs. Gunderson was a really sweet woman but she just couldn't do the job anymore." "Then it's settled." "We fire Marguerite." "Couldn't we wait just a few more days?" "I think Norman's going to invite me to the premiere of Give 'em Hell, Harry!" "Starring Mr. Father Mulcahy from MASH." "What does that have to do with Marguerite?" "It was her potion that brought us together." "Blanche, you still think that Marguerite has some kind of mystical powers?" "[Sighing] Oh, well, all right." "I guess I'm just being silly." "Okay, go ahead and fire her, Dorothy." "Why should I be the one to fire her?" "You're the meanest." "Blanche, that's not true." "Dorothy just looks the meanest." "We hired Marguerite together, we fire her together." "Thank you, Rose." "And by the way, you look the dumbest." "Morning, everyone." "Oh, Marguerite, I feel so terrible." " What's the matter with her?" " She's a little upset." "She just found out Gene Shalit wants his hair to look that way." "I'm sorry I'm late, but I had to go downtown to get some special herbs." "I'm throwing together another little aphrodisiac for Blanche." "I better get to my work." "Girls, we can't fire her now, she's making me an aphrodisiac!" "Use vodka and black underwear like everyone else!" "Can we just get this over before I lose my nerve?" "Oh!" "I hate to interrupt your work, but we have to talk to you." "[Stammers] I just want you to know that Tootie is my favorite on The Facts of Life." "You're firing me, aren't you?" "Marguerite, we think very highly of you as a person, but we're going to have to let you go." "We... we just don't feel you're right for this job." "But you certainly did when you hired me." "Marguerite, you're fired!" "Rose, we just did that part, honey." "Sorry." "I'm not very good at this sort of thing." "Of course, we'll pay you for the rest of the week." "Oh, Marguerite, I hope you understand." "I've never been fired from any job." "We're really awfully sorry." "Well, you should be, because I think you're making a very big mistake." " She seemed pretty upset." " We just fired her." "What do you think she meant, "we're making a big mistake?"" "She meant that she's unhappy that she lost her job." "[Explosion]" "Or that she's going to blow up our kitchen." "Oh!" "[All gasping]" "Nice hit, Tracy." "Now, why don't you throw one into the Schiller's yard?" "This has been the worst day of my life." "Honey, what happened to you?" "First, my alarm didn't go off so I was late to work." "Then I had a flat tire on the way." "When I finally got there, I smashed my hand in the door." "Oh, I feel like crawling under the covers and eating Velveeta right out of the box." "I hear B.B. King does that when he's tired of singing the blues." "Honey, why don't you sit down." "I'll give you some lemonade." "Thanks, Dorothy." "[Groans] Something weird is going on around here, Dorothy." "Don't be silly." "You're just having a little bad luck." "Do you really think that's all it is?" "Of course." "Well, maybe you're right." " Need any help?" " Get away from me, you jinx." "I mean..." "I mean, no thank you, Rose." "Girls, you'll never guess what happened." "Norman threw me over for a fat woman." " Oh, Blanche, I'm sorry." " Thank you, Rose, but Dorothy ought to be sorry, it's all her fault." " What?" "What did I do?" " You made us fire Marguerite." " Now she's put a curse on us." " Come on now." "You're just upset." "You're talking nonsense." "It makes perfect sense to me." "I rest my case." "Come on, you have to admit terrible things have been happening since we fired Marguerite." "Our plumbing went bad, the refrigerator broke down." "We've all had car trouble." "You haven't slept a wink, and now Blanche's boyfriend's dumped her for a porker." "Marguerite said we were making a big mistake when we fired her" " and she was right." " I am not listening to this." "You better listen, 'cause we're in big trouble here." "Now, what are we gonna do?" "I think we should get Marguerite to take off the curse." "Maybe we should ask her if she wants her job back." "That's a great idea." "I'm gonna call her now." "Wait, wait a minute." "Nobody is calling anybody." "Now, look, this whole thing has gotten way out of hand." "First of all there is no such thing as a curse." "No!" "All right, we've had a little bad luck, but, ladies, that's life." "I mean, when you look at it, has anything that out of the ordinary really happened?" "This isn't the Orange Bowl, is it?" "Gee, I hope Marguerite likes champagne." "Don't you think we may be going a little overboard with this?" "Dorothy, remember the crow man." "Do we have any caviar to go with this champagne?" "[Doorbell]" "Oh, that must be..." "Oh, girls, I'm scared." "Now, now, just take a deep breath and relax." "There's nothing to be scared of." " [Whimpers]" " Okay, Dorothy, get the door." "Go on." "Oh, Marguerite, how lovely to see you again." "Please come in." " Hello, ladies." " Welcome back, Marguerite." "Why don't you sit down and make yourself comfortable." "I must say I was a little bit surprised when you called me to give me back my job." "That's why I wanted to explain..." "There's nothing to explain." "It was all a silly mistake." " Champagne." " Uh, thank you." " Ladies..." " These are for you." "Ladies, this is all very nice, but, please, there's something I must say." "You see, when you fired me..." "Oh, now, we don't have to go into that." "Here, a little gift from us to you." "Oh, uh... [chuckling]" "Well..." "Well, isn't that nice?" "A tiara?" "Well, you said to get something I'd buy for myself." "You see, I've always wanted a tiara." "Ever since I was a little girl back in St. Olaf." "Every year I'd blow out my birthday candles and wish for one." "And every year I'd get a freshly-carved pair of wooden shoes." "Except for one year, during the Depression when I just got a block of coal, which I carved into a pair of high-top Keds." "You can do anything you want to her, just don't hurt us." "Here, Marguerite." "Let me put this on for you." "Oh, my!" "You look stunning." "Doesn't she just look stunning?" "Sophia!" "What are you doing here?" "I live here, remember?" "What is this, the Miss Black America contest?" "Marguerite, I'd like you to meet my mother." "This is my mother, Sophia Petrillo." "Ma, this is Marguerite." "Oh, I'm pleased to meet you." "Won't you join us?" "Yeah, and pour me some of that champagne." "I never know if I'm gonna make it to New Year's." "So, what are we celebrating?" "Did The Supremes get back together?" "Ma, you know, I really think you should go and lie down." "You look exhausted." "Hey, I'm 80." "I look like this in the middle of a dead sleep." " So, what's your claim to fame?" " I'm the housekeeper." "Yeah?" "You always wear a tiara to clean the toilet?" "Ma, could I see you in the kitchen?" "Hey, take it easy!" "I'm not Gumby!" "What's going on?" "Ma, I want you to be especially nice to Marguerite." "Please, Dorothy, I wasn't brought up in a cave." "Actually, I was brought up in a cave." "Listen, Ma, I am serious." "You are not to ask her to lift a finger." "And if there's anything you need, you let me or one of the girls know." "Let me get this straight." " She's the housekeeper, right?" " Right." " She's not to lift a finger?" " Right." "Anything needs to be done, you take care of it?" "Right." "Where are you going, Ma?" "To get a job as a housekeeper." "Ma, Ma, be serious now." "Marguerite is dangerous." "She put a curse on us." "And I'm the one that got put in a home?" "I know it's unbelievable but we fired her, she put a curse on us, so we had to hire her back." "Now, if we can just keep her happy, maybe she'll leave us alone." "You really are afraid of her?" "Ma, Ma, it's unbelievable but please go along with it, okay?" "I mean, do it for me." "If it means that much to you, pussycat, you got it." "Oh, thanks." "Now, remember, not a word." "So, what's all this crap about you putting a curse on my daughter?" " Sophia." " We'll be turned into kumquats." " What is she talking about?" " Don't play dumb with me." "I've been known to cast a curse myself." "Do you think Shelley Long was really tired of playing in Cheers?" "Wrong, baby." "I was tired of her." "Is that what this is all about?" "You think I put a curse on you?" "It's true, you got mad at us for firing you." "That's why you reversed that love potion you gave me." "Honey, that wasn't love potion." "That was Chanel No. 5." "I'm not buying that." "Dorothy uses Chanel No. 5 all the time and she never attracts men." "What about this painted rock that you put under my bed?" "Oh, thank God you found it!" "This is very special to me." "It was the first wage I ever earned." "Ma, they paid you in rocks?" "Hey, don't knock it." "To this day in some parts of Sardinia, two of these will get you a veal and pepper sandwich." "Then you lied to me about it's helping me to sleep." "Okay, I figured that you'd be angry because I didn't sweep under the bed." "Gee, you're really a good liar." "I know, that's why I'm studying to be a lawyer." "See, I'm going to school at night and the only time I have to study is when you all go out in the morning." "That's why the toilets don't get the attention they probably deserve." "Then everything was just a misunderstanding and Norman really did dump me for a fat woman." "No kidding?" "Fatter than you?" "I hate to burst your bubble but I just wanted a job." "The truth is I don't have any magical powers." "[Laughing] Boy, have I been stupid." "I haven't felt this dumb since I found out William Conrad wasn't one guy in a jacket and another guy in a pair of pants." "Well, Marguerite, I guess we just let our superstitions get the best of us and I think we owe you an apology." "No, no, I owe you an apology." "You're right, I'm a lousy housekeeper." "[Laughing] I feel like such a silly goose." "Goodbye, ladies." "And I'm really sorry for all the trouble, but thank you for being understanding." "And thank you for taking care of that Shelley Long." "I'm tired of that thin, uppity white woman, too." "[Sophia] Well, that's that." "Anything else you need me to straighten out for you?" "No, Ma." "So, tell me, how was the wedding?" "Beautiful." "Until the bride lifted her veil." "I shudder to think what was under that dress."