"COMMENTATOR:" "They've scored five touchdowns in this game..." "Wow." "Check this out." "Coach and May's foreign exchange student just added me as a friend." "Montsie." "His name is Montsie." "I didn't know they had a foreign exchange student." "I didn't know they moved to North Carolina." " Neither did I. - (they laugh)" " They moved to North Carol... what?" " Yeah." "How did none of us know about this?" "How is that possible?" " Eh, they moved." "It happened." " We need to make more of an effort." "We don't even know that our friend has moved to a different state." "I mean, we're still friends." "We just have nothing to do with each other." "This doesn't bother you?" "Realistically, we'll probably see 'em two or three more times before we die." "And it's sad, but it's also not that sad." " What?" " Who cares?" "What's for dinner?" "I care." "McKenna, please." "Please, don't do this." "Okay?" "I mean, what about that formal swimwear ad I got you?" "McKenna?" "McKen...?" "Well, guys!" "It happened again." "A big agency stole another one of my clients." "And I have a big audition today." " Gosh darn it." "You know what?" " CECE:" "Jess!" "Those pretty boys don't deserve you." "Which one is McKenna?" "Is he the gaunt, heroin-hot one?" "That's Jean Francois." "He got poached last week." "McKenna's the one that looked like a jacked Bryant Gumbel." " Oh..." " And this is a huge deal!" "It's the Sausage Crunchies account!" "Why would a dog food company be interested in a bunch of hot models?" " Oh, no, it's, uh..." " NICK:" "No, no, no." "Sausage Crunchies are people food." "They're like brown cheese snacks." "Yeah, it's like space food." "I-I put them in soup." "CECE:" "I just really wanted to show this casting agency that I was legit." "Now, if I go down there with just Donovan," "I'm gonna look like a no-name hustler." " Gosh darn it." " Should I go out now, and try to find new clients, or should I concentrate on the one client that I have left?" "You know, they're probably sniffing around Donovan as we speak." "(gasps) Crap." "Is that what he wants to talk to me about?" "He said he wanted to talk to me about something." "Is that what he wanted to talk to me about?" " These poachers." " Cece..." "Cece, calm." "You concentrate on Donovan." "I'll go see if I can drum up some new clients." "Very sweet, but the audition is in six hours from now." "So we have no time to look for new clients." "Well, recruiting is just like sales, I mean selling a job is just like selling drugs." "I do that every day." "Are you offering to help, too?" "Honestly, I wasn't." "But based on how intensely you're staring at me," "I guess I've boxed myself into a corner here, so..." "Great!" "Okay." "You concentrate on Donovan." "We'll get the models." "Heads in, guys." " What?" " "Heads in"?" " No." "It's "hands in."" " I'm pretty sure it's "heads in."" "What are we supposed to do?" "Smoosh our heads together?" " Yeah." " Everybody." "Hands in." " Hands in." " Hands in." "WINSTON:" "Meow." " SCHMIDT:" "Winston!" " What?" " How are you not tired of this?" " Tired of what?" "♪ ♪" "Okay, model types, 3:00." " Take a bow." " Wait, those two oatmeal men?" "Follow my lead." "How did we ever date the same dude?" "(laughs):" "Hey!" "Kampai." "That's Japanese for "What's up?"" "Hi!" "Jessica Day." "What are we celebrating?" "Kirby here works for a marine biologist." "and he got them to name a new species of sea slug after me." " Oh!" " It's called Bruce's Eastern Sea Slug." "You two are fascinating." "Have you ever considered modeling?" " KIRBY:" "I actually have." "A-a lot." " Us?" " I have a rich fantasy life." " Oh." "I can't wait to hear more about that." "Sounds so great." "What are you doing?" "Those guys are obviously not model material." "Because they're not cookie-cutter hot?" "Cece needs a bunch of different guys, so don't judge a book by its cover." "Except when you're talking about models." "Models exist to be on covers." "I think that's an oversimplification." "I think the best models have something to give them a little personality." "Something, something that makes them stand apart." "Like a gap in their lower teeth, or a neck nipple." "You're making this way too complicated." "Look, this is all it needs to be... you walk up to a hot guy, okay?" "And you say "Hey, you're hot." ""Do you want to be a model?"" "You have to forge a connection with them." "And that way they entrust us with the thing that makes them really beautiful." "You know what?" "You do your thing." "I'll do my thing." "But your thing cannot be going back to the slug guys." "Sea slugs, Reagan." "They're sea slug guys." "But you're right." "You're nasty about it, but you're right." "CECE:" "So, Donovan, you have something you want to tell me?" "(inhales, exhales)" "I've... made a big decision." "No, Donovan, don't." "I'm gonna stop wearing beanies." " Wait, what?" " I think." "I..." "That's what you wanted to talk to me about?" "I thought some big agency was trying to poach you." "No. (chuckles)" "They've just been sending me baskets and trying to take me to fancy dinners and stuff." "What?" "They've just been giving me baskets" " and trying..." " Listen to me, okay?" "I know that gift baskets are great." " Yeah." " They are." "But once BGE signs you, there are no more baskets." "Because they don't care about you." "All they care about are numbers." "But you, Donovan, you are my first priority." "So when you're with me, you will never feel neglected." "Just tell me what you need." "I got you." "I need someone to help me get better at tricks on my motorcycle." "Sure." "(grunts) Mmm." "I really hate these things." "I just can't stop eating 'em." "I got to say, the taste is average, but the aftertaste is outstanding." "What happens when I'm just an outstanding aftertaste?" "Hmm?" "When I move out, are you guys gonna forget about me like Coach?" "This loft is what tethers us together." "And once it's gone, we're gonna be spread across the Earth like Rod Stewart's offspring." "What I'm gonna miss most about you is all this poetry." "No, no, no." "You know what, do not give up on us already." "We just need to find something that keeps us together." "Like a dark secret or a time-share." "You know, it was easier when men went to war." "You'd forge an unbreakable bond in a crucible of blood and pain." "You can't get that splitting the cost of toilet paper." "We just need to come up with some sort of ritual." "Yes!" "Now you're thinking." "We stand in a circle, right?" " We burn chicken bones, all right?" " Dear Lord, Winston." " Then we're just secretive about it." " This is the wrong ritual..." "I'm just saying no one knows about it." " I didn't literally mean a ritual." " Oh." "I just mean, like, a shared experience, one that bonds us together." "I've been saying this for the longest time, but I'm really ready to get super weird into metal detectors if you guys are." " That's, sure, that's one idea." " You can look for treasure." "Nickels, dimes, quarters." "If you find enough, um, said treasure or change, supplement your income." "It's also entertaining." "While looking, there's, uh, an endorphin rush." "It's entertainment, it's income... uh, ritual." "Why don't we get tracksuits and play chess at the park?" "I already got a chess crew." "♪ ♪" "You do that right outside of the loft?" " Yeah, right outside the loft." " How have I never seen you once?" "'Cause you don't go outside of the loft." "That's just not true." "Fellas, fellas, fellas, I got it." "Yeah?" "Metal detectors?" "That's a super cool idea, man." "I appreciate the idea." "I want to hear more about it." "I feel like I'm being teased." "Let me guess, you guys are pre-gaming before your high school reunion." "You were nerds, but you grew up to be super handsome." "You were cool but approachable." "Maybe you were rollerbladers..." "Okay." "Here's the deal." "You're all models now, and that's your new manager." "H-hold on a sec." "There's only one number on this card, and there's two of you." "Oh. (laughs)" "You think we're trying to pick you up, because we're at a bar and we're telling you how handsome you are." "Excuse me." "You're hot, and you're about to make the easiest decision of your life." "Not interested." "♪ He's a brown-eyed handsome man ♪" "Don't tell me." "Only child, right?" "I guess now I am." "As of yesterday." "Sorry, did you... did you..." "It's loud." "Did you hear what I, I said?" "I said you were hot." "Um, have you ever thought about modeling?" "Lady, you can't treat me like a piece of meat." "Now, I know I'm hot, but I don't need your validation." "We're trying to have a serious conversation here about why the bees have disappeared." "♪ He hit a high fly into the stands ♪" "If a couple of guys in a bar can't figure it out, who will?" "♪ He was headed for home ♪" "♪ It was a brown-eyed handsome man ♪" "♪ They won the game, it was a brown-eyed handsome man ♪" "♪ They won the game ♪" "♪ It was a brown-eyed handsome man. ♪" "So, how'd you do?" "Got a couple irons in the fire, so..." "Me, too, me, too." "Planted a couple seeds, just waiting for the harvest." "Hey!" "Hey, you." "Stop what you're doing right now." "What?" "I'm sorry." "That's just how I walk." "If I don't swing my arms," "I start thinking I'm standing, and I'll fall." "Oh... (chuckles)" "Tell me, do you have any modeling experience?" "I was trapped in a window display in a department store once, and I was on the news a lot." "Are we talking local or national news?" "Oh, that's a good question." "Um..." "I think... sorry... what my friend is trying to say is that it sounds like you have on-camera experience, and if you would like, we can hook you up with a top talent manager who could get you an audition today." "I do like hooking my thumb into my belt loops, and pulling my pants down..." "Yeah." "No." "Don't do it now." "But it is called "The Cowboy."" "And I can see it's not your first rodeo." "Okay." "Uh, your new manager's name is Cece." "Go to that address." "Thanks." "Okay." "No, don't say it." " We're a team." " No." "I'm the bait, you're the hook." "I don't think the bait usually thinks of the hook as its teammate." "That's such a hook thing to say." "You're such a hook." "You know..." "I've always wanted to have a boys spa day." "Nick, did you wear your shirt during the massage?" "I did, but no bottoms." " It was liberating." " Good for you." "Check this out." "These cucumbers are gratis." "(laughs) I'm gonna make some pickles." "If you're impressed by a couple of free cucumbers, get ready to have your blind blown, 'cause I signed us up for the elite package." "Does that mean the pickle's already pickled?" " Gentlemen, eucalyptus towels?" " Thank you." "Oh, yeah... uh, mine's already wet!" "No, no, no, it's for smelling, not drying." " Oh." " Put it up to your face, smell it." "Mmm." "How could a smell be both hot and cold at the same time, I ask." " It's nice." " Ooh, this place is dope." "Man, I feel very Roman." "Boys, I think we found our ritual." "(laughing) Yeah, we did." "If you gentlemen are ready, I can take you to your Brazilians." "(laughs) Sounds very fun." " I'm in a relationship, myself." " Yeah." "Uh, but I would love to look." "Just point me to the door, please." "Sir." "The elite package at S'Pa includes the wax removal of hair from your nether regions." "What did you say, homeboy?" "Scrotum wax." "No, Schmidt." " Say something." " Say something to him." "CECE:" "Donovan." "I have some very good news." "I have a brand-new client that I am very excited for you to meet." " I'm Dean and I'm a model." " Mm-hmm." "But I'm a model." " No." "I'm a model." " Yeah, both models." " No." "I'm a model." " No." "I-I am a model." "I am..." "I'm the model." " But, like, I'm, but I model." " I'm a model." " I model." " You..." " I'm a model." " I just told..." "I'm a model." " Astro Fuel." " I model." "What the heck is going on?" "Well, Cece's Boys is growing, so I'm just gonna help Dean make a résumé for the big audition we're all gonna go on." " What about my résumé?" " You already have a résumé." "Well, I-I-I want another one." " And another sandwich." " I want a sandwich, too." "Stop copying me!" "Donovan." "Dean." "REAGAN:" "Um..." "Hmm." "(indistinct chatter)" "No..." "The line between what we're doing" " and being creepy is so thin." " (cell phone rings)" "Hey, Cece, what's up?" "Any luck?" "The audition's in an hour," "I'm getting kind of panicky." "Yeah." "Totally." "Um... we're just looking for that perfect Cece's Boys type, you know..." " perfect." " Ow!" "I don't know hair this short can get so tangled!" " Okay?" " You're hurting me." " I'm very sorry." " DONOVAN:" "Cece, I don't know how many buttons to do on my shirt." "Donovan, please." "Look, Jess." "If you haven't found anyone by now, maybe I should just cut my losses." "Maybe I should just tell them I only..." "No, no, no, no, no." "We actually, um... (clears throat) we have two guys, we'll..." " You do?" "Oh!" " ... bring them right over." "You are the best." "Thank you!" "I'm sorry?" "I'm gonna be honest." "I don't know what I'm looking for." "Oh, it-it's the other one." " No." " They have a real look." "What look would that be?" "I own my own dog-walking company?" "Branding!" "You're good." "You know what?" "I believe in them." "And we also have no other choice." "So let's get them camera-ready." "How far away is that camera gonna be?" "(laughs)" "Okay, guys, let's go..." "Oh, hey, Kirby." "Looking good." "That is for cats." "But it's okay." "Put this on." "They're from my roommate's earthquake kit." "He has a three-week supply." "Bruce." "Put this on." "They won't recognize you on your next volunteer shift at the hospital." "Ah." "Jess." "Hallway." "Okay, are you absolutely sure that this is the way to go?" "Can't we get our hands on, like, a water polo team?" "Or hire escorts?" "Or call in a bomb threat to the audition." "In this political environment?" "Oh, I'm nervous even saying it." " What about nothing?" " No!" "Is nothing maybe the right thing to do in this situation?" "We can't bail on Cece." "This is her shot." "We can't let her become irrelevant like chunky belts, or quoting Borat." "Okay." "Well, if I have to go down with the ship," "I'm not going down without a fight." "And those two are gonna need a lot more than hair gel and V-necks." "They're gonna need motorcycle boots, scarves, knit caps, and all the eye makeup that Schmidt's got." "DEAN (muffled):" "Cece?" "Hello?" "Cece?" "(muttering)" "What are you doing in here?" "Donovan told me to wait here in your break room" " and then he left." " What?" "!" "And I couldn't open the door and it was really dark." "Donovan, get in here right now!" "Donovan, we have an audition in an hour and you lock Dean in a closet?" "Well, you said I was your number one client." "Okay." "No." "Wait, Donovan." " I'm out of here." " Just calm down." "Wait." "I went the wrong way." "Don't look." "(whispering):" "So, what are we thinking?" "I don't know." "Maybe they give you something to bite down on." "No, I'm talking about leaving!" "You're being so dramatic right now." "I don't think I'm being dramatic." "Look, I'll say it now without any drama." "I don't want the hairs ripped off my testicles by a stranger." "I think they're there for a reason." "They are trained professionals in there." "This isn't gonna be some back-alley sack waxing." "They have those?" "I'm sure they do, but this isn't one of them." "Who would go to that one?" "(sputters) Well, sometimes, in an emergency, you got to do what you got to do." "What would the emergency ever be?" "Nick, this is gonna be like cottage cheese all over again." "At first, you're gonna be kicking and screaming, saying that you don't want to try it, but I'm telling you, in the end, you're gonna tell everybody that you meet how much you loved it." " This is nothing like cottage cheese." " Exactly like cottage cheese." "Guys, I have off-the-charts follicle strength, okay?" "It'll be a blood bath down there, a real crime scene, so I'm leaning, "No."" "I'm out!" "Like my mother says at every party she goes to," ""No one touches my purse."" " Good day." " Wait." "Sit." "Sit down." "You guys don't need to leave." "Just a minute ago, you were saying how much you love this place." "Just don't get your sack waxed." "Okay, I don't care how big the park is." "If there is a loose bear in it," "I'm not going in the park!" "I'm never going in that park again!" " I'm never going in again!" " But this is our ritual!" "Schmidt, we'll just find a new one." "Easy for you to say." "You two guys are still gonna be living together in the loft, saying, "Oh, oh, I'm sorry." ""I didn't know you were in here in the bathroom."" "And coming up with clever names for the Wi-Fi network" " like, "This Is 4D."" " That's pretty good." "I'd say we just..." "let's agree right now to switch it to that." "Points is, is your lives are going to go on, and I'll just always be that weirdo you once lived with." "So you know what?" "I am gonna get my sack waxed." "So enjoy the rest of your lives together." "I'm gonna go shuck this corn." "Oh, man." "Hey, do you think they'll take a picture of him just as they rip like they do on roller coasters?" "I think you missed the point of what just happened." "(laughing)" "Did you just see that?" "No." "I had my eyes closed." "I was saying a non-denominational prayer for Bruce and Kirby." "What did I miss?" "That woman just checked out our guys." "Like, she-she really checked them out." "Maybe we have a chance." "I don't know." " Did you hear what you just said?" " What?" "You said, "Our guys."" " Okay, let's just go in." " Our guys!" " Don't get sentimental." " Our guys." "Oh, you get off of me." "Our guys!" "(indistinct chatter)" "Jess, I asked for models, not a couple of driver's ed instructors!" "I know, Cece, but they're hot on the inside." "Bruce teaches CPR to children with irregular mouths, and Kirby has given so much bone marrow, they told him to stop." "I don't know how that's gonna help them at a print ad audition." "You're right, she's right." "I don't know what we were thinking." "Let's go put these dogs down." "Why did we even give them names?" "They came with names." "Right, I guess what I meant is why did we bothering learning them." "Guys, uh, there's been a little hiccup." " We're allowed to eat all these, right?" " I just love them." "Yeah, you guys can keep eating." "Um, so, there's no way to sugarcoat this, but the truth is... (shushing)" "Wait, wait, wait..." " So gross, right?" " Ooh, nasty!" "(shushing) Cece?" "Cece, come here." " What?" " Look around this room." "Nobody's eating these things but them." "Oh, my God, yes!" "And they love them." "It almost makes me want to try them." "And I emphasize "almost."" "They're making a mistake." "These are the guys that can sell this stuff." "Not these guys." "But they've already decided on the direction of the ad." "So tell them to change it!" "I mean, what have you got to lose?" "Hey, Joy." "I'm scared." " NICK:" "Don't you be scared, kid!" " Nick?" " We're here with you, buddy!" " Winston!" "NICK:" "We don't need a ritual, Schmidt, 'cause you're not gonna lose us." "I thought we could've just told you that, but Winston thought we needed to show it." "Yeah, I thought that would be better." "You know, it makes more sense to me." " Band of brothers." " Band of brothers!" "That's right, man." "Band of brothers, bro." "Band of brothers." "You know, I've been a little bit curious about it this whole time." "I just couldn't admit it to you guys, you know?" "I think this would be more dignified if we did it in silence." " SCHMIDT:" "Of course." " Yeah, let's do this in silence." " Good luck, guys." " I'm ready for you, lady." "Three friends going on the same silent journey, together, yet separate, alone, yet closer than ever." "(screaming)" " Nick?" " I'm all right!" "(paper ripping, Winston screaming)" " SCHMIDT:" "Winston?" " Can you hear me, Schmidt?" "!" "You hang in there, you son of a... (screaming)" "Aah!" "This woman's ripping it off!" "(shrieking)" "Ooh!" "That's actually kind of warm." "Ouch!" "No!" "Okay, time out, time out, time out, time out, time out, time out, time out, time out, time out!" "(paper rips)" "(slowed-down, distorted speech)" "(screaming)" "(slowed-down yelling)" "(slow-motion, distorted):" "No, no, no!" "No!" "(yelling, ripping sound)" "(yelling)" "(ripping sound)" "(distorted yelling)" "(distorted groaning)" "(distorted yelling)" "(distorted):" "Oh!" "(yelling and howling)" "How many times do you freakin' do it?" "!" "Okay, good." "You both are here." "So, guess who got the Sausage Crunchies job." " (gasps) Oh, yay, Kirby!" " Hey, Kirby!" "Not Kirby, but I am going to hang on to him." "I think he could book ads for both fast food and anti-depressants." " Ah." " Bruce?" "They absolutely hated Bruce." "He got sick during the audition." " Sausage Crunchies everywhere." " That's a lot." "But they loved Dean!" "Mm. (laughs)" "Oh, it's nice to see the good guys win." "Right?" "!" "They said I brought them the best and the worst of the day, so... maybe that's my thing." "Hmm." "Can I throw out this, uh, soggy bag of cucumbers?" "WINSTON:" "No!" "Those are pickles in progress." "(groaning)" "Um, I don't mean to be mean, but you guys are being real babies about this whole thing." "(laughs) They don't..." "Until you've had your sack waxed, you can't know this pain." " Excuse me?" " Childbirth?" "Weekly wax, top to tail." "We went through hell, and we came out the other side, gentlemen." "It was war." "Granted, one that took place in a high end-spa, but still our war." " (laughs)" " That's right." "I mean, this not something we do every week, right?" " No, it's like a monthly thing." " Monthly?" " Not a chance!" " It's our ritual." "No." "No, no, no, no." "One time only." "Guys, how can it be a ritual if we only do it one time?" "Shut up, Schmidt!" "I will never go back!" "(Winston crying)" "NICK:" "It's okay, man." "We're gonna get metal detectors."