"Damn it." "Damn it." "Oh." "How'd it go?" "It's Grace." "I know." "That's why I said, "How'd it go?"" "Well, you really should say "Hello" first." "OK, call me back." "No, Frankie!" "How did it go with Phil?" "I" " It-- went-- Better than I thought." "That's it?" "I'll tell you everything tomorrow." "Listen, um..." "I have to spend the night at Mallory's." "Oh, no." "Is she back on bed rest?" "No, no, no." "She's fine." "But, um, Mitch is out of town and, um, she needs help with the kids." "Uh, how are you?" " How-How'd it go with Krystle?" " Fine." "Not bad." "Bad." "Oh, boy." "Yeah." "If you want to stop at Del Taco on your way home tomorrow and get me a Veggie Works Burrito, I wouldn't punch you in the face." "Well, I'd hope you wouldn't punch me in the face either way." "Listen, I gotta go." "Oh, OK, but wait, wait," "I have a Brianna question." "Oh, that's right." "When's your meeting with her?" "Uh, tomorrow." "I've gotta have the perfect gift." "The only gift I ever gave her that she liked was a Volkswagen Jetta." "No, I'm thinking more along the lines of a dime bag or cheeses of the world." "Just present your case." "No theatrics." "Just the facts." "Oh, I'm gonna fact her brains out." "I have a whole presentation I've been working on." "She's gonna forget she ever heard of palm oil and she's gonna remember how much she loves me." "Yeah, well, I hope she does." "Hey, listen, I'm, uh, I'm in front of Mallory's now." "I gotta go." "OK, bye." "Oh, don't forget my Del Taco on the way ho" "I was starting to think you weren't gonna show up again." "Oh, I try not to make the same mistake twice." "Poor Augie." "I think he hates exercise more than I do." "Oh, we can make it home." "Really." "Oh, no." "I shall not be responsible for the dehydration of the friendliest dog in America." "Is tap OK?" "Toilets are OK." "Robert!" "Oh, dear God, no." "Yes?" "What is going on?" "You seem to have mistaken once again a closed door as an invitation to enter this house." "Why was it closed?" "Well, we'd have to go back in time to the invention of structures with doors around 800 B.C." "Something about avoiding plague." "Speaking of which, why are you here?" "Uh-uh, why is he here?" "Do you know he's still married?" "I do, actually." "I am not talking to you!" "Sol, my friend is here to give his dog, Augie, full name:" "Augie-Augie-Oxen-Free, a drink of water and that is all." "Is he a new friend?" "He's a none-of-your-business friend." "You think I don't know what goes on at that dog park?" "Have you been stalking me?" "No!" "Then how did you know I was at the dog park?" "Because I was driving past the dog park en route to driving past this house, which I do on a regular basis because of traffic." "I can see how you're both looking at me." "You, too!" "Don't yell at Augie." "I'm not yelling at Augie!" "This is, uh, where I say, "I should go."" "No, no." "Sol should go before he embarrasses himself any further." "I am not embarrassed about any of this." "I walk into places all the time like this." "And I leave like this, too." "Not embarrassed!" "I am so sorry about that." "Oh, it's OK." "I mean..." "you told him Augie's full name and totally neglected to mention mine, but" "He's a crazy person." "I didn't want to introduce you to a crazy person." "Well, I didn't see a crazy person." "What did you see?" "I saw a man in love... who seems tortured." "This is a-a really nice room." "That's right." "You haven't seen it before." "Full confession:" "I used my AARP discount." "I'm too embarrassed to use mine." "Oh, there's a whole section in the magazine on how to deal with that." "May I help you?" "Oh, yeah." "I think if we just free one of these up..." "Oh..." "I'm sorry." "The last time I was here I ordered champagne and ended up drinking it all by myself." "Well, you won't have to do it this time." "I made the wrapping paper." "I would never have not thought that." "Is something going to explode in my face?" "Only love, laughter and positive feelings." "All the things you treasure about me." "Like how I've always been there for you." "Remember when your mother found your birth control and I pretended it was mine?" "And I still got grounded because everyone knew you were post-menopausal, because you kept telling us you were post-menopausal." "But the effort." "That's what moved you so." "I'm not sure where it starts and..." "where it ends." "This is a..." "A poncho." "Poncho." "Or a Christmas tree skirt," "if that's what you see." "I don't see." "I would've brought one for everybody but it took me three years to knit." "Plus, I thought it would be just the two of us this morning." "Yeah, I asked Stephen and Erica to join me as protection and/or witnesses." "And/or also best friends." "Best friend Stephen, the lights?" "No, the" "Oh, I don't think I know where the light switch is." "Yeah, Stephen doesn't know stuff." "And let's just leave the lights on." "Oh, I have a-an audio/visual experience prepared." "And I think we can maybe just talk through your experience with words." "OK." "The word is yeast." "I've done some research, and I've found that scientists at the University of Bath believe yeast will duplicate palm oil's key properties almost exactly." "Women spend a lot of time keeping yeast out of their vaginas." "I don't think we can convince them to put it back in." "I thought you might say that." "So I did a little more research." "What about jojoba oil?" "Or rapeseed?" "Rapeseed?" "Women also spend a lot of time keeping rape out of their vaginas." "Thinking you might say that, I did a little more research, and I found the undeniable genius..." "of coconut oil." "Uh, we looked into coconut oil." "At length." "But palm oil has it beat." "Mm-hmm." "It doesn't require hydrogenation." "It comes with its own antioxidants." "It inhibits cancer growth." "It has amazing mouthfeel." "And it doesn't affect taste or smell." "Coconut oil does." "So does rapeseed." "But if I" "Frankie," "I appreciate your research and you using your words, but at this point swapping out palm oil would cost us a fortune and we're not gonna do it." "Then I want my lube back." "But we have a contract." "What's in there?" "Is it a monkey?" "What" "Oh, you mean this?" "I was just about to rip this mo-fo up." "I would have pre-torn it if I'd known things would take such a dark turn." "It's still a contract even if you tear it up." "Still a contract." "So you're strong." "Well... this hotel room did not let us down." "Mm." "It certainly did not." "Can we never leave?" "I'm pretty sure they have a system in place that will bring us food." " Room service." " I forgot what it's called." "I..." "I put the menu thingy on the door last night." "I was starving." " Room service." " Coming." "Good morning." "Where can I set you up?" "Uh, well, wherever you like." "Well, I recommend setting up a small dining nook right about here." "The breakfast train is rolling into the station and... flaps up." "Let's see what we have." "Smells delicious." "Ooh, we have... the oatmeal with fresh fruit on the side, and brown sugar on the side, and milk on the side, and cream on the side." "We also have a fan favorite, the South-by-Southwest scramble with bacon." "Mm." "OK." "Wait a second." "Have you found your nut compartment?" "Excuse me?" "The nut compartment." "Right here in your fridge is your nut compartment, where your assorted nuts are kept at a nut-friendly 45 degrees." "Uh, uh, Kyle?" "I'm sort of paying for my friend's services by the hour, so can we just kind of wrap it up?" "OK, all right." "Um, well, please enjoy your breakfast." "And your friend." "All right." "Well, if you need anything... don't hesitate to call, because Kyle cares." "Good day." "Good day." "Bye." "Thanks." "Bye-bye." "Eat up, I intend to get my money's worth." "Yes, ma'am." "I intend to give you your money's worth." "Ooh, collage." "Can I help?" "Do you see glue?" "Do you see interesting photos cut into fascinating shapes?" "Am I wearing my smock that says "Collage Barrage"?" "No." "Then how is this collage?" "This is your contract for the lube." "Yes, yes." "And where is the loophole?" "What loophole?" "The loophole you put in in case things went south and I ever had to get my lube back." "Ah, the one that you said you didn't need because you're one-sixteenth Chippewa and your word is your bond?" "Yes, but you know not to listen to me and so you put one in anyway." "Right." "That one." "That's not in there." "Bud, you know you have to protect me from myself." "Yeah, but that's usually at a buffet." "Oh, God." "Maybe I should collage." "Mom, let's just go talk to Brianna and see if she'll take out the palm oil." "I tried it." "She won't budge and now I've got to take my lube back from her." "It cannot go out into the world with palm oil in it." "It just can't." "I know, and I know you're upset, but we made a deal." "We have to break it." " I don't think we can." " We have to." "There has to be a way." "OK." "OK." "We can look, but..." "Hey, you know who's good at finding loopholes where there aren't any?" "Atticus Finch?" "And?" "I hope Brianna doesn't kill us." "Oh, nonsense, she loves when I come by." "And this will be our last time, because after this," "I'll get my lube back and we'll be all done." "So how we gonna do this?" "You introduce us, I introduce Dad, Dad outlines our position, the three of us do something fun." "Bumper cars?" "Maybe." "Sound good?" "Dad?" "Yes." "I'm sorry." "I yelled at a Golden Retriever yesterday and I'm still a little torn up about it." "Why would you yell at a Golden Retriever?" "They're like living hugs." "I know, but this one was meddling in my affairs." "Shake it off!" "What's our plan?" "Well, our plan is very simple:" "There's language in section six, paragraph J, clause B, on which a case can be made that the reversion of rights" "Cut to the chase, Sol." "There's a loophole." "Keep 'em closed until we're inside." "Keep 'em closed forever." "Robert." "Hello, everyone." "I take it you weren't expecting them." "I was not because they don't have an appointment." "Oh, we have a standing appointment..." "with justice." "I guess barging in through closed doors is a family tradition." "I just came to look at the new offices, which are beautiful." "Goodbye." "No, Daddy." "Daddy, no, no." "Why are you here?" "We just want to go over something in the contract." "Oh, Jesus Christ." "And I'm hopped up on ginkgo biloba and ready to rumble." "OK." "Well, I will need my in-house counsel here for that." "Adam!" "Sorry, I was just" " Yay, Frankie's back!" "I mean, boo, Frankie's back." "Get Karen in here ASAP." "Uh, Karen had her baby yesterday." "Karen's always having her baby yesterday." "Is Stephen still here?" "Or Erica?" "Uh, Stephen had to leave early for his daughter's piano recital and I don't know why Erica's not here." "Great." "I'm glad everyone has such rich personal lives." "OK, so I'll just" "I'll just grab a magazine and wait for you in the lobby." "OK." "I'm waiting." "OK." "Well, we believe there's language in section six, paragraph J, clause B, on which a case could be made that the reversion of rights" "Ha!" "Excuse me?" "I think I'll stay." "My daddy thinks he'll stay." "What are we gonna do today besides eat?" "And, uh..." "You know." "Oh, my God." "We have the whole day together." "We've never had that." "We can do anything we want." "Name it." "Well, we could-- we could go to Balboa Park." "Sure." "And walk in the botanical gardens." "Sure." "Or go to the, uh, art museum." "I don't care what we do as long as we can do it together." "Mmm." "Oh." "Hello?" "What happened?" "Where is she now?" "Ah, shit." "I'll be right there." "What happened?" "Elaine ran out of the house, and the dog ran after her." "They can't find either of them." "That was her aide." "Oh, God." "I've gotta go." "I'm sorry." "You don't have to apologize." "Do you want me to come with you?" "What?" "Well, I just meant..." "I don't know what I meant." "I'll call you." "Oh." "Phil!" "Phil?" "Phil!" "Oh." "Damn it." "I think we might be able to resolve this." "You also thought it would be fun to go on a hayride for your birthday." "It was fun." "I was right." "I regret nothing." "I'm done." "And?" "I can see where they think they have a case." "A case for what?" "Deporting natural-born citizens?" "There's a slim chance they could make trouble if this ends up in court." "We do have the option of letting the courts decide." "Is that a threat?" "No, it's an attempt at mediation." "Mediation?" "You barged in here through closed doors to threaten people trying to go about their business." "Well, we're being shut out of something we built together so we have no choice but to barge in." "Exactly." "Yes." "The lube." "Yes." "But if you barge in, you force the other party to talk before they might be ready." "That's because we've been given no indication of when the other party might possibly be ready." "Sometimes you don't get to control when the other party is ready." "Well, sometimes the other party is just a big, stupid man-baby!" "I did not come here to be insulted by you." "Look, I think we can agree that they are no longer talking about the lube." "But I think we can also agree that my side is winning." "But we have a contract, which I can't believe" "I have to keep on explaining to a lawyer and the mother and ex-wife of a lawyer." "That sounds like she gave birth to me and then married me." "Oh, didn't she?" "We may have a contract, but it's flimsy." "Flimsy like your contract." "Oh, my contract is ironclad." " Flimsy." " Ironclad." "Flimsy." "Ironclad." "Flimsy." "It's clad in iron." "It's flimsy." "Ironclad." "Ironclad." "Ironclad." "I can do this all day." "I have done this all day." "Flimsy!" "Home." "Home." "Were you out looking, too?" "Oh." "No." "What happened exactly?" "She ran out of the house?" "Yeah." "This happens sometimes when Phil's gone." "She goes looking for him." "They found her at a neighbor's house, but she wouldn't leave until Phil came to get her." "We're still looking for their dog." "Oh, God." "I know." "Poor Phil." "I feel bad for him." "Yeah." "Oh." "Uh, would you please give this to him?" "I don't want to bother them, but I" "No." "OK." "Ah!" "Shoot it!" "OK, good dog." "Here you go." "Come on, dummy." "Do you know her?" "Yes." "I found your dog." "Or your dog found me." "Thank you." "It's OK." "This is Mickey." "He lives with us." "I can't walk him." "That's OK." "I'll walk him." "Hmm." "Can you sit with me?" "Do you sing?" "No, I'm sorry." "Nobody wants to hear me sing." "Oh, I like to go caroling." "Pretty lights." "Do you think we're gonna have a white Christmas?" "I think I'd" " I'd better get going." "Oh, no." "Please stay." "You have such a nice smile." "Thank you." "But I" " I really should" "Stay." "Don't go." "Stay." "Well, maybe for a little bit." "I think it was FDR who said it best" "Don't start misquoting Franklin Delano Roosevelt to me!" "Well, excuse me." "What are you, a prognosticator?" "What are they saying?" "I lost the thread." "Something about Franklin Roosevelt's third inaugural address." "Ah." "I should have taken that job in Hong Kong after college." "There's a 15-hour time difference." "I wouldn't have to talk to any of you people." "You'd be tiny pictures in my Facebook feed I'd rarely look at and eventually block." "Can we just go back to our corners and do the "re's":" "regroup, rethink and remember that we love each other?" " Well, I hate you both." " Oh, this is so silly." "Why are we even still talking about this?" "Let's just let the courts decide." "If you take me to court, the only thing that will be decided" "is we're no longer friends." "Because we'll always be family?" "No, I'm serious." "All of this nonsense is now putting my company and my employees in jeopardy." "This isn't going to be something that we'll all solve with a healing circle." "Which is exactly what I've been trying to say and why I brought up FDR in the first place!" "Stop, just stop." "This is exhausting." "We're going back and forth and getting nowhere." "Once we finally climb out of this FDR hole, you're going to say again that I shouldn't have done what I did with Frankie." "And I'm going to remind you again that it was an ending." "And then you're going to remind me again that it was the one thing you can't get over." "So I'm gonna bring up Jeff and you're gonna say it's not analogous and somehow, we're gonna end up back on FDR!" "We are going in circles, aren't we?" "Robert... there's only so much time we have left." "And we've already wasted so much of it." "I know." "You're mad." "And lonely." "Wouldn't you rather be mad and not lonely?" "Maybe." "So what's holding you back?" "What if we're being punished?" "I mean, what if we'll never be able to be happy because our entire relationship was based on lies and betrayals so awful that karmically we're doomed?" "Wow." "You're more Jewish than I am." "Well, we Catholics know our way around guilt, too." "I'd like to think we're not being punished for loving each other." "I'd like to think so, too." "So what do we do?" "I don't know." "All I know is I don't want to be mad anymore." "Then maybe don't be." "All I'm saying is you're kind of overreacting." "Get out of my way." "I don't wanna be out here anymore." "This is what you do." "What I do?" "Why don't you grow up and stop doing everything your mommy tells you to do?" "I'm the one trying to keep it professional." "You're the one made it personal." "Aren't you supposed to be a big, smart "businesswoman"?" "Oh, right." "Your mommy gave you this company." "Oh, stop it." "You're being so mean to each other." "I hate this." "You're friends." "We're friends." "Maybe none of this is worth it." "The whole point of my lube was to have less friction in the world." "And all it's done is make more." "You can do whatever you want with it." "It's yours." "I'm sick of fighting." "You're not gonna come back next week with a family of orphaned orangutans?" "No." "So we're done here?" "No." "So close." "I want my art off the box." "What?" "But that was, like, the most important thing to you." "I can't have my vagina associated with palm oil." "Done." "So I can have my paintings back?" "I will put them in your car myself." "They might already be in your trunk." "Now we're done." "Am I the only one who needs a hug?" "Yes." "Oh, Jesus, Bud." "Read the room." "What's your name again?" "I'm Grace." "Grace." "I have lots of Christmas shopping to do." "And I never know what to get my mother." "And I have to cook." "Honey, we should let Grace go now." " It's almost time for dinner." " Can I eat outside?" "Of course you can." "What's her name again?" "Grace." "Grace." "That's right." "That's me." "I'm Grace." "You're Grace." "It's you." "It's always been you." "I remember." "Um, I have to go." "What's her name again?" "I'll be right back." "Grace." "Grace, wait." "She saw me." "She knew me." "She knows about us." "How could I have done this to her?" "I'm sorry." "Sometimes she's there for a second." "It just makes everything worse." "So much worse." "I feel sick." "You didn't do anything to her." "I did." "Please don't." "I can't." "I just can't." "Hi." "Hi." "How were your grandkids?" "Did they cheer you up?" "Grandkids?" "Yeah." "Oh." "You know kids don't cheer me up." "I'll ignore that statement." "And the fact that you forgot my burrito." "Oh, I'm sorry." "It's OK." "I think I need pizza." "You want in?" "I'm not hungry." "I'm not either." "Well, maybe I'm a little hungry."