"~QueerDuck!" "He's intellectual" "~QueerDuck!" "He's homosexual" "~Pleasedon'tthink that he's perverse" "~He'sthepatients' favorite male nurse" "~He'sokay,he'sjust fey" "~' Causehe'sopenlygay" "~He'satrulyqueer Queer Duck" "~QueerDuck!" "(BIRDS CHIRPING)" "Wow, some party." "(GROANING)" "It wasn't that wild." "Nobody touched the pinata." "I'm not a pinata." "Hey!" "That is not a toilet." "It is now." "Who are you?" "Genital Warthog." "(SHRIEKING)" "Oh!" "Oh, that hurt!" "Gay pandas?" "All pandas gay." "That's why we don't mate in captivity." "It also explains the eye shadow." "Tell us about your illness, Rex." "I was a homosexual." "A hom-o-sexual." "But, Reverend, you cured me!" "I've been straight for six months!" "No, he hasn't." "He was here last night" "These are his pants." "You see, friends, Jesus can cure every disease from homosexuality to Buddhism." "Reverend Van Der Gelding, I wonder if you could help me." "QUEER DUCK:" "I have a terrible disorder." "It's called Tourette's syndrome." "Homophobe!" "It makes me say the most terrible things." "Jerk, jerk!" "Nazi!" "Uh, yes, I'm familiar with it." "Please say you'll cure me." "Fraud!" "I don't mean to say..." "Fraud!" "Bigot!" "These awful words." "Bad toupee!" "Brother, I would love to pray with you, but we have so many callers on the line." "Please, dig deep, and send what you can." "Thank you for all the good work you're doing." "Jackass!" "You're a wonderful man." "Jackass!" "God bless you." "Creep!" "Creep!" "Mother... (DIAL TONE DRONING)" "Do we have another caller?" "QUEER DUCK (IMITATING OLD WOMAN):" "I was very shocked by that last person." "He's a sick, sick man." "I don't think that's any excuse for potty mouth." "But still, he makes a lot of sense." "You are a hypocritical gay-bashing moron." "(LAUGHING)" "Girl you just love the phone?" "Come on down to Happyland!" "Adults get in for kids' prices, kids get in for adult prices, and seniors don't get in at all!" "That's what makes it happy!" "Oh, my gay God, look at this mess!" "Busted tables, overturned Chers." "This place is a wreck!" "Queer Duck, what are we gonna do?" "I'm going to Happyland!" "Oh, crap." "Oh, I'm gonna call the whole gang." "Let's make this Gay Day at Happyland." "Can't we go to Disneyland?" "They love gay people!" "Where's the fun in that?" "Would you like to try RECOVERY by Elizabeth Taylor?" "It'll make you smell like a 75-year-old woman." "It's made from rose oil and wet newspapers." "(CHUCKLING)" "Say, Chet, did I make the store softball league?" "You?" "(LAUGHING) he-haw, he-haw!" "Oh, that's a good one. he-haw, he-haw!" "Jackass." "Pick me!" "Pick me!" "I'll take Little Stevie Wonder!" "Yeah!" "I'll take Little Stephen Hawking." "Play ball." "(PHONE RINGING)" "Bi-Polar Bear?" "It's Gay Day at Happyland!" "Oh, goodie!" "Ow!" "Hey, watch it there, Zsa Zsa!" "Your fur would make a lovely coat." "Your neck would make a terrific boat cover." "Here at Shirley You Jest we have the world's largest collection of Shirley Temple memorabilia." "Dolls, lunchboxes, coffee mugs." "We even have Shirley herself." "Mister, I can't breathe in here." "Honest I can't." "Quiet, you." "Oscar Wildcat." "It's Gay Day at Happyland!" "Marvelous." "You know, Happyland really hates these Gay Days." "~He'sgotshis homomojo working" "~Homomojoworking" "~He'sgotshis  homo mojo working" "It's not too late to call it off." "~He'sgotshis  homo mojo working" "~Homomojoworking" "~He'sgotshis  homo mojo working" "~Homomojoworking" "Queer Duck!" "~He'sgotshis  homo mojo working" "~Homomojo" "~He'sgotshis  homo mojo working" "~He'sgotshis  homo mojo working" "~Attention,youfairies" "~Youqueensand you Marys" "~I 'mhereto declarethis" "~It'sGayDay atHappyland!" "~Ifyou'reasissy, or jusa bit prissy" "~Don'tgetpissy,missy It's Gay Day at Happyland!" "~Alertthegay bars" "~TheStarbucksand Zabars" "~Andtellyourgymneighbors" "~It'sGayDay atHappyland!" "~Thisain'tnosnow job" "~Todaythere'snojobs !" "~Exceptmaybeblowjobs" "~It'sGayDay atHappyland!" "~Homo" "~Homo" "~It'sGayDay , it's Gay Day, it's Gay Day It's Gay Day" "~It'sGayDay atHappyland!" "~You'llfindadate ,folks It's better than May Day" "~' Causenobody'sstraightfolks It's better than pay day" "~Let'snotbelate folks" "ALL:  ~ It's Gay Day at Happyland!" "I'm picking something up on Gay-Dar." "Dear God, it's like a Bette Midler concert out there!" "We're going to Code Pink!" "(BUZZING)" "(ALARMS BLARING)" "(GUNS COCKING)" "Beat it, you homos!" "(ALL CLAMORING)" "Queer Duck, talk to me." "Do you ever get sick of being gay?" "No." "But sometimes my jaw gets sore." "I mean, the whole thing." "Society's against it, the Church is against it, my family's against it." "It's fun." "It gets old." "Endless parties, drugs, anonymous sex..." "Oh, that's a myth." "Do you even know who you're in bed with now?" "I don't know." "Daniel Day-Lewis?" "I'm Rupert Everett." "Who cares?" "You're gorgeous." "I just think life would be much easier if I were straight." "~StraightDuck!" "~Heis ahetero Straight Duck!" "~Whatcouldbebetter-o?" "~Hebreaksall the younggirls'hearts" "~Hedrinksbeerandbelchesandfarts" "~Hegetskicksbangingchicks" "~Andhe neversucksd..." "Wait, wait, wait!" "Don't even think like that." "You can't change who you are!" "Well, sometimes I wish I could." "Don't you?" "No." "I am a gay man, like my father and his father before him." "GATOR:" "Now get some sleep." "We've got work in the morning." "(SIGHING)" "Welcome to T.S. It's Monday." "My name is Gator and I'll be your waiter." "Oh, what do you know?" "I'm a poet, too." "(LAUGHING)" "Actually, I'm an actor, just waiting for my agent to call with my big break." "(SQUEAKING)" "Oh, my gay God!" "Hello?" "Hello, Artie?" "That wasn't your phone." "My chair squeaked." "Well, thank you, Captain Buzzkill." "So, what kind of fried crap do you want to shove in that enormous head of yours?" "(GASPING) Sweet Christ with a handbag!" "You're Conan O'Brien!" "I just love your show." "When I can't sleep, it puts me right out." "Well, thanks." "Now, admit it, you're gay, aren't you?" "No, I'm married." "I have kids." "Fine!" "Go ahead!" "Live in denial!" "You're just like my poor baby, Queer Duck." "(SOBBING)" "Why can't we be happy with who we are?" "Do we get bread?" "You're a lousy nurse." "Sorry." "My head's not in it today." "Well, you know... ~ (MUSIC PLAYING)" "~Stormcloudswillgetmuchclearer" "~Smile,youbastard,smile" "~Youcouldn'tget muchqueerer" "Hey!" "~Smile,youbastard,smile" "~Whenyou'vegot woes beyond description" "~Andlifecan 'tget worse" "~Don'tforgetyou can forgeprescriptions" "~Whenyou'reamale nurse!" "Way ahead of you." "Welcome, welcome, everyone, to the ICU." "That's doctor talk for "I see you still have some money left!"" "~Mylegissogangrenous" "~Thatshouldn'tmakeyoufrown" "~I 'vegotaswollenpenis" "~I 'llhelpyouget itdown" "~Noneedtofret ,'causedon't forget" "~You'llbe deadina while" "~Sosmile,you bastards" "~Smile!" "Let's blow this morgue!" "I can't thank you enough." "You really brightened my day..." "Miss..?" "Call me Lola." "(GASPING) You're Lola Buzzard!" "Buzzard, darling, Buzzard." "I just saw you on TV!" "It was Drugged-Out Divas Week on Biography." "I got three nights." "So, what brings you to Shyster-Excremente?" "Just having the old kisser tightened up." "Botox?" "Darling, I'm way beyond Botox." "They have to slap a poison jellyfish on my face." "That one." "He looks fat and venomous." "Oh, sweet Jesus, the agony!" "Son of a bitch!" "(STRETCHING SOUND)" "How do I look?" "Like the Joker." "That's what I was going for!" "Try to make me frown." "You can't do it." "Bush is running for a third term." "Oh, Christ, the country's ruined." "You're a funny little duck." "You must spend the day with me." "Peccary!" "(CAR ENGINE HUMMING)" "This is Peccary." "He's my limo driver." "He was also husband number two." "And five, madam." "Duckie, we're going to have the most marvelous day." "First, I want you to see my home." "Peccary!" "For God's sake, slow down, man!" "We haven't even left the curb, madam." "Oh, the pain, the pain!" "I bought this place in the '70s after the Munsters got divorced." "You wouldn't believe the parties we used to have here." "And the guests." "Frank Sinatra, Junior." "And Sammy Davis, Senior." "~We'rethesilverandplates We served all of the near-greats" "~Allthehas-beensandtheB-stars" "~AllthewashedupoldTV stars" "~IservedporktoDick York  With this silver serving fork" "~I'mthebloodybutcherknife O.J. used to kill his wife" "~I'mthestrainer" "~MitziGaynor" "Where'd you get those corny, creepy plates?" "Disney Dumpster." "Lola, you're amazing." "I can barely keep up with you." "Yes, doctors tell me I have the heart of an 18-year-old." "The kid died in a skateboard accident." "(LAUGHING)" "It's a joke, darling." "I have Bruce Vilanch on retainer." "Thanks, Lola." "The Bruce signal." "Whoopi must need a joke." "To comedy and beyond!" "That's what it's all about, Queer Duck." "Laughter." "Laughter and love and..." "Peccary!" "I know, slow down." "Gator, we've been together for 18 months." "That's six centuries in gay years." "I know." "And life is great now, but what will it be like when we're a couple of old queens?" "Openly Gator!" "Where the hell is my dinner?" "Oh, here!" "(SCREAMING)" "Why do we keep ordering from that Thai place?" "Sounds wonderful!" "What?" "Were you watching the same dream sequence I was?" "We have an awful future ahead of us." "What are you saying?" "Have you met someone else?" "No!" "No, no, no!" "Darling!" "Well, kind of." "And who's your little friend here?" "I'm his insignificant other." "(LAUGHING)" "I like you." "You remind me of a purse I used to have." "Well, yeah, right!" "I have an idea." "Why don't we all go see a show?" "All right, but you pick." "Broadway seems to have gone completely gay these days." "Let's see." "(QUEER DUCK READING) Guys and Dudes The Queen and I ..." "Oklahomo..." "My Fair Lady?" "Oh!" "My God." "Do you realize it's been 20 years since I set foot on a Broadway stage?" "You should come back and do a one-woman show." "Oh, please." "Do you think gay men would pay to hear an old diva gossip about her booze and sex problems?" "They might." "QUEER DUCK:" "Ladies, gentlemen, and ladylike gentlemen, put your hands together for the original "buzzard with a Z,"" "Miss Lola Buzzard!" "(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)" "(SNORING)" "(PIANO PLAYING) Huh?" "What?" "How did all you queens get in my closet?" "(LAUGHING)" "I'm just kidding." "~LikeElaineStritch,that boozedupbitch" "~I 'mstillnotdead" "~LikeShirleyMacLaineWho'ssurelyinsane" "~I 'mstillnotdead" "~I smokedanddid coke" "~TillIalmostwent broke" "~Ididallofthelameshows" "~Thesitcomsand the gameshows" "~I hadstrokes,nearlycroaked" "~I becameacampyjoke" "~Andeveryclosetqueen" "~DressedlikemeonHalloween" "~I beatfloods,Ibeat quakes" "~I evendatedRobertBlake" "~AndI'mstillnotdead, oh,yeah" "(GASPING)" "Are you okay?" "~I 'mstillnotdead!" "(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)" "Hi, it's Joan Rivers." "I'm here at the Tony Awards, and I'm talking to Bjork." "Bjork, welcome to our planet." "Who are you wearing tonight?" "I'm wearing Coco Chanel." "Literally." "This is her corpse." "You're weird and you frighten me...a lot." "And coming up next down the red carpet... it's the Pet Shop Boys." "Joan, who exactly are you covering this for?" "Oh." "Somebody." "Wait a minute, that's not even a microphone." "You're holding an ice cream cone." "Quiet!" "You guys want to make me look bad?" "No, that's your plastic surgeon's job." "He seems to be turning you into a small Chinese man." "(CHUCKLING)" "Why, you little... eh..!" "eh..!" "gah..!" "That can't be good." "(SLURPING)" "I can't believe we're at the Tonys!" "It's like the gay Olympics!" "Well, I wanted to do something nice for you guys." "I hardly see you anymore." "Wow!" "It's Rosie O'Donnell." "Look at the size of that head." "She looks like a candy apple on a stick." "Yes." "A fat stick." "The woman could play herself at Disneyland." "(LAUGHING)" "And the nominees for Best One-Woman Show, category:" "Hag." "Elaine Stritch in "I'm Not Bea Arthur."" "Bea Arthur in "I'm Not a Bear."" "Lola Buzzard in "Still Not Dead,"" "and Gwen Verdon in "Still Dead."" "And the award goes to..." "...Lola Buzzard!" "(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)" "You know, it's an honor just to be nominated, but it's a bitch to lose!" "(ALL LAUGHING)" "This one's on me, sweetie." "Mazel Tov!" "Oh." "I promised myself I wouldn't fake crying, but here I go." "I want to dedicate this award to the one man who got me here," "Queer Duck!" "I love you, baby." "You make my life worth livin'." "( CRASHING )" "Sorry." "(BOTH LAUGHING)" "Ahh..." "We're quite a team." "We think alike, we make each other laugh, we finish each other's..." "Pudding?" "Exactly." "So what do you say?" "You wanna get married?" "What?" "Lola, you know I'm gay." "I don't care." "Lots of my husbands were gay." "And if you're ever interested in switching sides," "I know someone who could help." "Hmm." "Lola, if I ever married a woman, you know it would be you." "Oh, let me think about it." "Of course." "~He'sayoungfruit and she's an old coot" "~That'sthestoryofamore" "~She'san oldbag  and he's a young fa..." "Watch it!" "~That'sthegloryofamore" "~Howcanheflirt" "~Whenshe'solderthan dirt ?" "~Somethingis fossilized" "~Underherskirt?" "(DOOR SLAMMING)" "(IN ITALIAN ACCENT) Well, that'sa justa rude." "You've hardly touched your fifth drink." "What's wrong?" "Lola proposed to me." "Congratulations, dear boy." "But she's a woman!" "Well, these things happen." "Let me tell you a story." "The year was 1964, and gay bars like this didn't exist." "OSCAR:" "But we still found places to meet." "I had never seen so many gay people in one place." "From sophisticates like Truman Coyote..." "Greetings, Oscar." "...to lowlifes, like Fruity Fly." "What's the buzz, cuz?" "Sorry." "And just when I was feeling confident in who I was," "I saw..." "Regina." "~I onceknewaboynamed Jimmy" "~I thoughthe wasgreat" "~I evenlethim  get to second" "~Butnevertohome plate" "~Hewasn'tgettingheavypetting" "~I toldhimtowait" "~Soeverynighthe'd dreamofme" "~Andhe 'dmasturbate" "~Lookout,lookout,  look out, look out!" "~Jimmycouldn'tmastermasturbation" "~Insteadhe letitmasterhim" "~Shangalang,he 'sbangingonhiswang" "~Jimmycouldn'tmastermasturbation" "~Andhisfutureislookinggrim" "~Shangalang,he 'sbangingonhiswang" "~I lostmy mantohisownrighthand" "~He'sblind,he'scrazy,andallday long" "~He'sram-a-lamaslammingonhisding-dong" "~Jimmycouldn'tmastermasturbation" "~Insteadhe letitmaster" "~Hislifeisa disaster" "~Becausehe letitmasterhim!" "~Shangalang,he 'sbangingonhiswang" "~Shangalang,he 'sbangingonhiswang" "~Shangalang,he 'sbangingonhiswang" "~Shangalang,he 'sbangingonhiswang" "No woman, before or since, had ever had this effect on me." "After her performance, I had to speak to her." "We laughed, we danced" "And just as I was about to kiss her..." "Raid!" "(CROWD CLAMORING)" "(POLICE WHISTLE BLOWING)" "If things had gone differently that night," "I might not be a lonely old man." "Maybe Lola is your one chance at a better life." "Wow." "So you never saw Regina again?" "No, but I still keep her earring right next to my heart." "Huh." "I wouldn't have pegged you as the pierced nipple type" "You live and you learn." "Queer Duck, what are you doing here?" "You know this food is garbage." "It's fine." "Gator, I have to talk to you." "Lola asked me to marry her" "Oh." "Well, good for her." "Good for both of you." "You think so?" "This is just what you wanted, a nice normal life." "You really mean that?" "Queer Duck, I love you." "And that means I want whatever makes you happy." "Oh, thank you, Gator." "So I said to "Weird Al" Yankovic, "Weird..."" "That's what his friends call him, Weird." "I said..." "Can I take your order?" "God, it's you again." "Yes, and I just lost the love of my life, ...so I could use a little human decency, Please!" "Gee, I'm sorry." "I guess I'd like to start with the soup." "Oh, you!" "Everything's got to be about you!" "I can't listen to this crap!" "(SOBBING)" "I don't know why I come here." "Mom, Dad, I have an announcement to make." "Oy!" "My God, he's gay..." "Estelle, you know he's gay" "Well, then he's found something worse than gay." "Just to punish me." "No, no." "I'm getting married!" "You are?" "Wait a minute." "Hold the phone!" "This person you're marrying, it's a woman?" "Of course!" "( CROCKERY BREAKING )" "So, Melissa, now that your brother's getting married, maybe you'll find yourself a man." "Dad, I'm very happy with Beavette." "Oh, Martin, she's just experimenting." "Louis Pasteur didn't do that much experimenting." "What was that?" "I said, what's your girlfriend doing to the carpet?" "Not here!" "So, Son, does this mean you're not gay anymore?" "Well, I am." "But I'm seeing an expert tomorrow, and he might be able to turn me straight." "Really?" "Oh, you made me so happy!" "Grandma?" "I thought you were dead." "To you I was!" "(DOORBELL RINGING)" "Can I help you, brother?" "Reverend Van Der Gelding!" "You've seen my show." "I call in all the time" "So, when did you first experience homosexual feelings?" "Well, let's see, hmm." "It was 1967." "Oh." "My parents had just gone to see "Kansas City Bomber."" "That Raquel Welch is some groovy chick." "But you're groovier." "(BUBBLING)" "My, you have such a powerful tail." "Well, I swim a lot." "You are so interesting." "What do you say we ditch this crowd and get a drink?" "Nah, I really should go fertilize that egg." "Oh." "Her." "Look, Morty, it's the son you always wanted." "I'm gay." "What did he say?" "Oh." "He said, "Nice day."" "That is quite young." "Uh, did you ever tell your parents about this?" "Not at first." "My father was distant and hard to talk to." "Dad, sometimes I think I'm not like other ducks." "(TRUMPET PLAYING)" "I don't like sports." "(TRUMPET PLAYING)" "I prefer art and music." "(TRUMPET PLAYING)" "Martin, will you put down the farkakte trumpet and talk to him already?" "(TRUMPET PLAYING) [sounds like 'OK']" "So, how did you finally tell them you were gay?" "Oh." "Well, that's an interesting story." "It all goes back to those crazy, turbulent, fabulous '70s." "Wait a minute." "Is this gonna be a musical number?" "I mean, what is it with you people and musical numbers?" "Just sit back and enjoy it." "QUEER DUCK:  ~ When I was a lad I went to see" "~GilbertandSullivan when I was three" "~I watchedthemsing and I watched them dance" "~AndIwatchedallthebulges  in the sailors' pants" "~Youwatchedall the bulges in the sailors' pants?" "~Andby theend ofPinafore" "~I wasmuchgayerthan I'dbeenbefore" "~Andby theend ofPinafore" "~Thisyoungboy becameayoung BoyGeorge" "No ad libbing." "Sorry." "~Fromthatday forthIspent mynights" "~Watchinganythingwithmenintights" "~I watchedtheopera and I watched ballets" "~AndIwatchedallthecrotches in the Shakespeare plays" "I'm not repeating that part." "~I eyedeachbulgetill myeyesbulged out" "~ForIwas ahomosexualwithoutadoubt" "~Itwasclearbymy 13thyear That I was really, really, really queer" "~Myfatherstillshelledoutthecash" "~Tothrowanopulentbarmitzvahbash" "You're Jewish?" "I had my beak fixed." "~TherewascaviarandFrenchchampagne" "~Theyevenhad Bob Dylantheretoentertain!" "(SPEAKING 'Hebrew Sounding' GIBBERISH)" "Bar mitzvahs have a simple plan" "~Youjustsay ,"TodayIama man"" "~ButIchosemybarmitzvahday" "~TotellmyfamilythatI wasgay" "~Hetoldhis family he's gay" "~Oyvey" "I'm gay." "(ALL GASPING)" "~I toldmy parentsand myunclesandmy aunts" "~ThatIwas asissyandapansy andanance" "~Hetoldhis parents and his uncles and his aunts" "~Thathe wasasissyandapansy andanance" "~Andaclosetqueen,aMary ,  And a pillow-biting fairy" "~Andabig salamistuffer And a kosher pickle-puffer?" "I'm not that gay." "Are you ready to find out?" "It's a simple procedure I have developed to turn you straight." "Are you comfortable?" "No." "Then let's begin." "~ ~ [Beethoven's 'Alle Menschen' / 9th Symphony]" "I smell chicken." "Oh, boy!" "So, Queer Duck, do you still feel queer?" "As a high school drama teacher." "What?" "I loved that movie!" "It was like a less gay Clockwork Orange." "It gave me tingles!" "That treatment never fails!" "You are the gayest thing I've ever seen." "And I've been to England!" "Well, I guess that's it, I can't be changed." "Thanks anyhoo!" "It's been a pleasure." "Yours, of course." "Out!" "Out!" "Be gone!" "You don't have that movie on DVD, do you?" "I'll try Blockbuster." "Wine, madam?" "No, thanks." "LOLA:" "On second thought... (SIGHING)" "( GRUMBLING )" "Lola, I went to that reverend you recommended, but it didn't work." "You disappointed?" "Only if you are." "Queer Duck, I don't care if you're gay or straight or bi or tri." "I just want you to be happy." "Do you think you could still love someone like me?" "Well, sure." "I mean, you do have a mustache?" "Yeah, but I still need a beard." "Haah!" "You still want to get married?" "The sooner the better." "Oh, you must be Queer Duck's parents." "You have a wonderful son." "Oh." "Thank you." "Well, your little boy is very cute, too." "(GIGGLING) This isn't my son." "He's my very, very, very special friend." "So, have you ever reared children?" "I have never been convicted." "(SNIFFING)" "What is that horrible stench?" "It's worse than the monkey diapers." "It smells like RECOVERY by Elizabeth Taylor!" "Hello, doggie." "Who's getting married today?" "Is it me?" "Yeah, it's you, Liz." "And who am I marrying this time?" "You?" "Sure, why not?" "(LAUGHING)" "Hello, Rosie." "I just want to thank you for coming out as a lesbian and confirming every negative stereotype about us." "Listen, Xena, you do not want to get between me and the wedding cake." "I think they'd notice if a piece was missing." "You're right." "I'd better eat the whole thing." "The trick is to unhinge your jaw like a python." "Ooh." "Doesn't that hurt?" "Oh, yeah, it hurts like a bitch." "I was sent to help you with your hair, and not a moment too soon." "How do you wear it?" "I don't know." "Feathered?" "Well, let's get busy." "Wait a minute." "That's not Final Net." "(LAUGHS EVILLY)" "I could do that." "I just wish Openly Gator was here." "He said he couldn't bear it." "To be so miserable on the happiest day of Queer Duck's life." "( CAR ENGINE STARTING )" "Hi, it's Gator." "I hate to bother you, but I didn't know who else to call." "Look, I can't do this." "I'm in the middle of a show." "Here's a Wonderbra for a mother pig." "Oink, oink." "Me so horny!" "MAN IN AUDIENCE:" "You suck!" "All right, let's talk." "The love of my life is about to marry someone else... and I can't handle it." "Well, when Andy Richter first left my show," "I wasn't sure I could go it alone" "This isn't about you!" "I've gotta stop that wedding." "I'm coming, Queer Duck, and nothing's gonna stop me." "(TIRES SCREECHING)" "~ ["Mrs. Robinson"-like]" "(TIRES SCREECHING)" "Where am I?" "Someplace your little gay friends won't find you." "I've turned hundreds of people straight." "I've even turned Anne Heche straight!" "You can have her." "We don't want her." "You were my one failure." "But I refuse to give up." "This calls for stronger medicine." "(REVEREND CACKLING)" "Well, if you're mixing drinks," "I'd like a Slow Comfortable Screw" "Up Against the Wall of a Bus Station in Passaic, New Jersey." "It's just rum." "I have something a little stronger in mind for you." "A can of Bud, some stallion's blood, cologne from an Italian stud, fibers from Hugh Hefner's robe." "photo of a homophobe." "Add Burt Reynolds' old toupee, and soon this duck will not be gay!" "No, just..." "No, stop." "It tastes like Snapple." "God, I wish I had my gag reflex back." "Turn straight!" "I command you!" "Hey, dude, que pasa?" "Could it be?" "Is he really straight?" "What do you think of Cameron Diaz?" "She's hot." "Camryn Manheim?" "She's hot." "Sister Wendy?" "I'd do her." "Success!" "(THUNDER RUMBLING)" "So I told him, "You're still my little boy," ""and I love you, despite your perversions."" "Oh, I wish my parents had said that." "It's hard growing up in America as a black man." "You're black?" "You're a man?" "Oh, we thought you were Sheena Easton." "Queer Duck!" "Queer Duck!" "He's not here yet." "Thanks." "I'll wait." "Queer Duck!" "Queer Duck!" "Oh, thank God, I'm not too late!" "I had to see you." "Beat it, you homo." "~ (WEDDING MARCH PLAYING)" "Do you, Adam Seymour Duckstein, take this gentile?" "(BELCHES)" "I do." "And do you, Lola Buzzard, take this duck, who they told me was faygeleh, but frankly I don't see it" "She does." "Now, let's start that honeymoon." "You the man!" "Crap!" "~ (ELEVATOR MUSIC PLAYING)" "STRAIGHT DUCK:" "Slap it!" "Slap it!" "LOLA:" "Oh, yeah" "That's it." "Yeah, yeah." "Smack those feathers!" "Yeah, pluck me, pluck me." "Lick it." "Lick it there!" "Pluck me!" "Yeah, lick it." "Slap it, slap it." "That's it, yeah." "Oh, yeah." "(LOLA SQUAWKING)" "LOLA:" "Oh, oh, that's it." "Let's eat." "(WOLF HOWLING)" "(BIRDS CHIRPING)" "(LOLA HUMMING)" "Queer Duck, I don't know what came over you." "That was the greatest night of my life!" "( CHOKING )" "I'm sorry, Queer Duck." "She's dead." "How can that be?" "She was only... 78." "78?" "Lola was remarkably well-preserved." "We found quite a bit of formaldehyde in her bloodstream." "Also Prozac, Xanax, Ex-Lax, Botox, Clorox." "Pretty much everything but blood." "I'm afraid that last multiple orgasm must have pushed her over the edge." "You see what you've done?" "DEEP VOICE:" "Oh, sorry, boss." "~ (ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING)" "The gay community shares your pain." "All across America, fags are at half-mast." "Too soon?" "Whose funeral is this?" "Is it mine?" "Yeah, it's yours, Liz." "How sad." "Oh, no." "Don't cry." "You'll make yourself black again." "Look, it's the late Roddy McDowall." "What?" "I'm a Rubens woman." "Yeah, you look like you've eaten a few Reubens." "(LAUGHING)" "It is written in the Hebrew bible, in the Book of Shecochecoch, that the cycle of life continues with its comings and goings." "In Lola's case, after she came, she went." "Thank you, Rabbi." "No change?" "Oh, all right." "Do you think the doctor could make me gay again?" "Do you think you could stop staring at my tits?" "No, I can't." "I'm sorry, Mr. Duckstein." "If a man is straight, no one can make him gay." "My mother did." "Seen enough?" "Not yet." "Not yet." "Not...yet." "Okay, now." ""I, Lola Buzzard, bequeath to Queer Duck" ""all my worldly goods, including the house."" ""The house, the house."" ""The Houston Astrodome."" "What?" ""The Rolls Royce...factory," ""and my cash holdings, totaling $10,000."" "I'm sorry, that's "$1 million."" "Oh, my bad." "That's "$1 billion."" "I had no idea." "Madam had it all." "Stocks, land, gold, emeralds, rubies!" "You're a very wealthy man." "Big deal." "MALE ANNOUNCER:" "It's wilder than Girls Gone Wild." "It's Girls Gone Batshit!" "See girls rip off their tops." "See naked girls rip off their skin." "Girls gone batshit." "A production of Fox News." "Sir, I owe you an apology." "I always presumed you were after Madam's money." "I know now I was wrong." "I really loved her." "As did I." "Now I've lost my Lola, I've lost my friends," "I've lost my whole identity." "Do you know how it feels to be heterosexual?" "Figure skating is boring." "(GASPING) Rent has no hummable songs." "Margaret Cho isn't funny." "I guess we all knew that." "Oh, Peccary, what am I going to do?" "I have procured for you the one sure cure for heterosexuality." "Hello, gorgeous." "Barbra?" "Barbra, can you help me?" "Of course." "I've turned thousands of men gay." "My son Jason is gay, and I've been working on James Brolin." "What did you say, honey?" "I said, "Wait in the car!"" "You see, Queer Duck, no matter what society tells you, or what drugs they pump you full of, they can't change what's in here." "How do you feel?" "I don't feel any different." "I'm still the same duck, in the same bed, with the same God awful bedspread that looks like Laura Ashley threw up all over it." "Oh, my God!" "I'm gay again, aren't I?" "I'm gay again." "I'm as queer as a goose!" "I'm as gay as a $3 bill." "I am the King of Queens!" "You there, boy, what day is it?" "Today, sir?" "Why it's October 11, National Coming Out Day." "Wonderful boy, remarkable boy." "Here's $50." "I need you to go to the gay sex shop and buy me that giant dildo in the window." "The one as big as me?" "That's the one." "Blimey." "Oh, Barbra, I can't thank you enough." "Anything you want in this world, anything at all, it's yours." "Well, I've always wanted to make a sequel to Nuts." "Yeah, we'll talk." "Now come, Peccary!" "We have things to do." "Take me to Homo No Mo'." "It's in Soho." "Yes, sir." "And, Peccary." "Drive as fast as you want." "(LAUGHING) Yes, sir." "Yoo-hoo, Rectal Roberts." "Look who's gay again!" "No." "It can't be!" "(LAUGHS MOCKINGLY)" "You be quiet, boy!" "Queer Duck, I will not be defeated!" "I'll keep kidnapping you and drugging you till I get it right." "Sounds like a confession to me." "Take him away, boys." "Fine, put me in prison." "Just get me away from all this gay sex." "Uh, yeah." "(POLICE SIREN BLARING)" "Well, sir, you have your life back." "What are you going to do now?" "Well, let's see." "I could do volunteer work, help the homeless, read to the blind..." "Or," "I could have sex with the animals" "~Everygayanimal" "~Bangorangutansand kangaroos" "~Therearemoosesforseducing" "~Goosesforthe goosing" "~I couldscrewashreworcaribou" "~I amfreetogoandporkaporcupine" "~PerhapsI 'llsuckacockatoo" "~Wouldyoueverwant tokissa beaver ?" "~No,sis,I'd leavehertoyou" "~I willhavesafesexwiththeanimals" "~Allthegay animals" "~Humptherumpofevery feyanimal" "~Andtheycan oinkandcheep" "~Andboinkand sleepwith me!" "~I couldcheatwithacheetah" "~I couldboffeverybuffalo" "~I couldmasturbateagator?" "(GASPING)" "A gator?" "Openly Gator, I'm back!" "Queer Duck, I knew you'd be back." "Hello, my darling Gator." "I'm sorry for everything I put you through." "I just want you to know" "I'm here, I'm queer, and I want you back, dear." "And your wonderful rear." "You lost me at hello." "What?" "You found someone else, and so did I." "Liza Minnelli?" "You broke my heart, Queer Duck." "I can't let you do it again." "( CRYING )" "I can't believe I hired a Liza impersonator just to hurt him." "I'm not an impersonator." "I'm the real Liza." "Oh, right." "You were cheaper." "Don't hurt a person!" "Sir, if I may say, you've been through quite a bit." "You won a Tony, but you lost your true love." "You've been married, widowed, gay, straight, gay again, dirt poor and filthy rich." "Yes, it's been a busy weekend." "What's your point?" "I think it's time you made a fresh start." "Enjoy your money, live a little." "You're right." "What should we do first?" "( CRASHING )" "Let's redecorate." "What is this?" "Buddy Ebsen's colostomy bag?" "What died in here?" "My wife." "Oh." "Flaming." "Adios." "So long." "Wait." "I guess it's up to us." "This chimney hasn't been cleaned in 10 years." "I'll do it right up, guv'nor." "And could you sing one of your merry chimney sweep songs?" "I haven't got one." "Then make one up." "~I 'vegotthecrappiestjobinthe world Yes, I do" "~Mylife'sableedinglivinghell" "~I 'vegotblacklung" "~AndIwilldieyoung" "Cor, what's this, then?" "PECCARY:" "Emilio Estevez?" "So that's where you've been." "Girls, I've been neglecting you, but I want to make up for it." "Now, I know I can't buy your friendship." "You can buy mine." "I come surprisingly cheap." "Great." "Let me be your fairy, fairy godmother!" "Anything you want, I'll get it for you." "I would've liked a bigger part in this movie." "Yes, yes." "I'm a very popular character." "I know." "Maybe in the sequel." "Yeah, I'm holding my breath!" "How about you, Oscar?" "There is one dream I've always had." "MALE ANNOUNCER:" "The House and Closet Channel is proud to present" "Antiques Sideshow with Oscar Wildcat." "I done found this in a trash heap." "It looks like that little girl from The Exorcist." "Indeed it is." "That's a Linda Blair Pepper Mill." "The head turns around, just like in the film." "PEPPER MILL:" "Your mother blows Nixon in hell." "I have little doubt." "I'd say this is worth between $10 and $12." "I'm rich!" "And what have you got for us today?" "Nothing much." "Just this old earring from the '60s." "(GASPING)" "Do you know Regina?" "I was Regina back in my drag days." "No." "It was you." "Yes." "But Reverend Van Der Gelding showed me how sick and ugly that life was." "Oh." "I see." "Why do you ask?" "That was you that night?" "Darling!" "I thought you were a woman." "Oh, yes, I was very good." "( GROWLS )" "All these years of heterosexual panic for nothing." "(MOANING)" "REX:" "Oh, it's coming back to me." "Turn it off." "Turn it off!" "All right." "How can we keep him chained up like that?" "It was his idea." "This is a minimum security prison." "OSCAR:" "Oh, yes." "Oh, yes." "I saw this happen once on Anderson Cooper." "It's your turn, Bi-Polar Bear." "What can I do for you?" "Well, when I was a kid, I was always chosen last for baseball." "Wow!" "I never got chosen at all." "Then I think you know where I'm coming from." "MALE COMMENTATOR:" "And now, to throw out the first ball, the general manager of the Houston Homos," "Bi-Polar Bear!" "( CROWD CHEERING )" "~Baseballis amachogame" "~Withthat,few men can quarrel" "~Butwhyare the bestplayersnamed" "~Connie,Babeand Orel?" "~Let'splaygay baseball" "~Andthere'snoonegayer" "~Thanabaseballplayer" "~Onecatches,one pitches" "~We'rejustabunchofsillybitches" "~Weplayhardforhours" "~Andthat'sjustintheshowers" "~Let'splaygay baseball" "~Baseballis gay!" "~Let'scomeout attheballgame" "~Let'sbe gayand beproud" "~Comeon ,youMarys,let'sdothe wave!" "Yoo-hoo." "Don't you dare slide." "That's an Armani uniform." "~Let'splaygay baseball" "~Baseballis gay" "~A nightgame,adaygame" "~Everygame'sagaygame" "~Onepitches" "~Onecatches" "~We'rejustabunchofsillysnatches" "~Oneswingshard" "~Onebunts" "~We'rejust a bunch of silly...  ~Hey,hey,hey" "~Let'splaygay baseball" "~Baseballis" "~Baseballis gay" "All right, foot-long!" "Who wants a foot-long?" "I got a foot-long here." "How much?" "Ten bucks to see it, 20 to touch." "Let's go." "Queer Duck, you've brought so much joy with your money." "What are you going to do next?" "I'm going to buy Happyland." "I would like to turn this place into America's first gay theme park." "Oh, I don't think so." "You see, Happyland was passed on to me by my father, Fritz Happy." "Your family is really named Happy?" "Well, actually, it's Hittler." "With two T's." "And my father believed in strong family values." "Holy crapsticks!" "Take it." "How do you like that, down there, Dad?" "Huh?" "How do you like it?" "Beat it, hetero." "( GRUNTING )" "QUEER DUCK:" "Fairyland, the all-gay amusement park, opens tomorrow." "Whether you're gay, bi, transgender or metrosexual you'll want to come for the fun." "So, come to Fairyland tomorrow and check out my opening." "No!" "(WEIGHTS CLATTERING)" "He's going over the wall." "Why?" "The gate's open." "Oh, no." "Are you gonna melt down on me again?" "No." "I'm in a very happy place right now." "Waiting tables is what I do, and I'm damn good at it." "Glad to hear it." "Could I have six blooming onions?" "(PHONE RINGING)" "Hello, Artie?" "What?" "I'll be right there!" "I got a part!" "And it is so me!" "I'm playing an admiral!" "Well, gee, that's great." "I'm gonna kill my agent." "Ahoy!" "Come hear tales of the gay white whale, Mostly Dick." "Look, it's the seven gay dwarfs." "There's Queeny." "Course, Bitchy." "Screamer." "Flamer." "There's Prancer, hello." "And Mincer." "Oh, and there's David Sedaris." "~It'saworldofMarys  It's a world of queers?" "~TherearequeensoutinQueens" "~TherearegaysinTangiers" "~SogreaseupforGreece" "~BringCriscotoFrisco" "~It'sagay ,gay ,gay ,gay world!" "Those dolls look so life-like." "Help us." "We're so hungry." "What a day." "I feel like a young boy." "Uh-huh." "But there's never one around when you want one." "Every gay person in town is here." "Can you believe it, Peccary?" "(LAUGHS EVILLY)" "(SCREAMING)" "Welcome to the Hall of Salty Seamen." "There is no eating, drinking, talking, kissing, groping, sucking..." "Oh." "Oh, fine!" "Just clean up after yourselves." "Our story begins with the brave gay whalers of Provincetown." "Thar he blows!" "It's Mostly Dick!" "'Tis a sperm whale, to be sure." "I've never seen one so big that was white." "Psst, Gator, come quick, it's important." "Um, I'll be just a minute." "In the meantime, please enjoy this classic gay sea chantey," "The Rectum of Edmund Fits Gerald." "What have you done with Peccary?" "I slipped some drugs in his food." "When he passed out, I stripped his clothes off" "Oh." "The old camp counselor trick." "We're worried about Queer Duck." "Queer Duck is none of my concern." "We've gone our separate ways, and I couldn't be happier." "But we think he's in danger." "My baby's in trouble?" "Oh, my gay God!" "We've gotta help him." "Hey, Mr. Duckstein, here I am!" "You know, that boat doesn't go anywhere." "Oh, right." "Thank you, Queer Duck, for getting all these homosexuals in one place." "What are you going to do?" "Remember this stuff?" "(BUBBLING)" "It turned you straight." "And now I'm going to spray it on all your little gay friends down there." "You bastard." "You know, for a heterosexual, you tie really good knots." "Oh, you." "That crazy reverend escaped from prison, and now Queer Duck is missing." "Okay, if we combine all our special talents," "I know we can find him." "I have no special talents." "Me, neither." "I can crack walnuts with my ass." "[Gasp] I've eaten walnuts in your home." "Let's fan out and search the park." "He's not in the park." "He's up there." "~ (WHISTLING)" "Attention, homosexuals." "In just one minute, the Fairyland blimp will be spraying free Cosmopolitans!" "( CROWD CHEERING )" "COMPUTER VOICE:" "Operation Straight Shooter set to commence in 60 seconds." "(BEEPING)" "Oh, God." "Oh, God." "Oh, God." "Oh, crap, I left my lights on." "45 seconds to big squirt." "What the hell?" "Openly Gator." "Queer Duck!" "Give him back, you bitch." "(GRUNTING)" "We're dead." "(PANTING)" "30 seconds to big squirt." "Give up?" "Make me." "The power of the Lord commands you!" "No, I don't." "Ah, Jesus, get it off, get it off." "Get it off!" "15 seconds to big squirt." "Shut up." "We're gonna crash." "(SCREAMING)" "Help us, Lord." "Hello?" "I'm like three inches tall." "We better get off this thing." "You think?" "These are really good knots." "I know." "(BOTH SCREAMING)" "Ouch!" "OOO!" "Ouch!" "OOO!" "Ouch!" "(SCREAMING)" "(ALL GASPING)" "Commence big squirt." "(WHISTLING)" "Hey, I'm Jesus." "Oh, Queer Duck," "I feel just like Richard Gere, if he was gay." "Does this mean you forgive me?" "Who can stay mad at you?" "Are you gay to stay this time?" "You bet your gorgeous ass I am." "~I wasdownand out withtheblues" "~Sosad" "~I wasgenderconfused" "~SoIwentstraight" "~Butit soonbecameclear" "~Thatthisduckwasbornqueer" "~Andso I'mtellingyou" "~I 'mgladI'mgay" "~I 'mgladI'mgay" "~I runaballteam Everyplayerisgay" "~Andwe loseeverygame weplay" "You beat the Royals." "~I 'mGlad" "~I 'mGay" "~I 'mgladI'mgay" "~I livedafun lifeWent toheavensomehow" "~AndI'mdatingRock Hudsonnow" "~I 'mgladI'mgay" "~I 'mgladI'mgay" "Louis Armstrong?" "Every romantic comedy ends with a Louis Armstrong number." "~They'regladthey'regay" "(SCATTING)" "~They'regladthey'regay" "~Theyaresovery glad Sovery, veryglad" "He's gonna blow." "~They'reso" "(EXPLOSION)" "~Weshouldliveaswe please We can do what we want" "~Wecanget marriedinVermont" "I do." "~I 'mgladI'mgay" "~I 'mgladI'mgay" "~OpenlyGatorSay itloud" "~DickCheney'sdaughterI'msoproud" "~RexandOscar" "~Celebrate" "~ConanO'Brien" "~I swear,I'mstraight" "~Erotic,erraticand mostlydemocratic" "~I 'mgladI'mgay" "~I 'mgladI'mgay" "~We'reso glad" "~I 'mgladI'mgay" "~We'reso glad" "~I 'mgladI'mgay ?" "I loved that movie!" "It gave me tingles" "Smack those feathers." "Yeah, pluck me, pluck me." "Pluck me!" "It's Gator." "I hate to bother you, but I didn't know who else to call." "I can crack walnuts with my butt." "Put down the goddamn trumpet." "All right, foot-long!" "Who wants a foot-long?" "I got a foot-long here." "How much?" "Ten bucks to see it, 20 to touch." "Let's go." "Oh, yes, I was very good." "It's charming." "I give them warm cookies and milk." "It's not sexual." "The trick is to unhinge your jaw like a python." "All across America, fags are at half.." "God, that's funny." "(SHUSHING)" "Oh, hush yourself." "Bitch."