"I was born jaundiced." "Once I sat on a toilet seat at a truck stop and caught hemorrhoids, and I've learned to live with this chicken bone that's been lodged in my throat for the past three years." "So I knew Dad would be devastated when he learned of my latest affliction." "Dad, I don't want to upset you, but my left breast is developing at a significantly faster rate than my right." "It can only mean one thing, cancer." "I'm dying." "Okay." "Sweetie, hand me the mayonnaise out of the fridge." "All right." "Who's in?" "Raise your hand." "Are you coming or not, Thomas J?" "I don't think so." "I knew he wouldn't come." "I can't." "I have to go home." "Yeah, to play with his dolls." "Leave him alone." "Come on, let's go." "Hey!" "You didn't pay me." "How do I know you're gonna show us one?" "You're such a baby." "All right." "Here." "Okay, follow me and don't say a word." "You ready?" "You sure you want to see it?" "Or is someone going to go yellowbelly?" "I'm not chicken!" "Okay." "Lean forward." "It's empty." "You're so weird." "I want my money back." " I was afraid of this." " Of what?" "Well, sometimes when we get them, they're not completely dead." "You know, like when they cut a chicken's head off and they still run around crazy." "You're full of shit." "I bet she's roaming around this house somewhere." "There she is." "In the rocking chair." "Let's get out of here." "Quick." "Come on." "Hurry up." "Hi, Gramoo." "Vada, would you bring down my cigarettes?" "See you later." "Did I tell you he was my woodshop teacher?" "You took woodshop?" "Yeah, I made a tie rack." "I made a tie rack." " Was it fancy?" " Yeah." "Vada, just put them on the stool." "Daddy, guess what?" "I beat Thomas J. in Monopoly yesterday." "Yeah." "Rack holds six ties." "I still have mine." "Arthur!" "Vada!" "I beat Thomas J. in Monopoly yesterday." "Good for you, baby." "Once you put the hotels on Boardwalk and Park Place, you're a shoo-in to win." "I like to buy up all the railroads." "Vada, we're trying to work here." "Cruella De Vil stole all the puppies." "She was going to make a fur out of them." "Hand me the cannula." "There he was just-a walkin' down the street" "Singin' "doo-wah diddy-diddy dum-diddy-doo"" " Poppin' his fingers and a-shufflin'..." " Vada." "Dad?" "I'm embalming my high school teacher." "Don't sing." "All right, Arthur." "Just slide him to me a little bit." "That's it." "That's good." "Okay." "Put him in a nice model c-501." "Bronze, stainless Eternal Journey." "Yeah, he'll look like a champion." "Is Mr. Harry Sultenfuss in?" "Sure." "Come on in." "So, have you had the unfortunate experience of recently losing a loved one?" "Could I see your dad?" "Just for a second?" "Dad, somebody's here!" "He's downstairs working on Mr. Layton." "Prostate cancer." "Once it hits your prostate, you're a goner." "How may I help you?" "I'm Shelly DeVoto." "We spoke the other day regarding the makeup artist job?" "Yes." "It's still available, I hope?" "I think it's still available." "I'm a licensed cosmetologist." "I worked for two years at the Dino Raphael salon." "All my customers cried when I told them I was leaving." " Miss DeVoto..." " I have a wonderful disposition." "I put people right at ease." "Miss DeVoto, these people are already at ease." "This is not a beauty parlor." "It's a funeral parlor." "They're dead?" "Yes, they are." "Stiffs?" "Deceased." "The ad just said makeup artist." "Excuse me a second, will you?" "Sure." "Hi, George." "This is a 1258." "I didn't want the burnished handles." " Is that your camper?" " Yes, it is." "That's really cool." "Hello." "She's shy." "Just put it back in the display room, fellas." "Okay, Harry." "Daddy, how come that coffin's so small?" "They come in all sizes, honey, just like shoes." "Is it for a child?" "Of course not." "Then who's it for?" "Short people." "Very short people." "Excuse me." "What about the job?" "Pardon?" "I need the job." "You still want it, even though..." "Sure, it's no big deal." "You see, all my former clients will eventually die, and all your clients used to be alive." "So they have something in common." "You'd be doing hair and makeup and answering the phone." "Okay, Mr. Sultenfuss." " You've got a deal." " Great." " You can start right away." " Okay." "Call me Harry." "Now..." "Is this what you'd normally wear for work or..." " Look..." " Don't get me wrong." "I like it very much, but the..." "I promise I'll take good care of these people." "They deserve it." "They're dead." "All they've got left is their looks." "Hey, look at this." "No feet." "Wow, a real Evel Knievel." "What the hell are you doing in my garage?" "Get out of here!" "Hi, Vada, what's wrong today?" "I'm very sick." "Okay, take a seat." "I'll check if the doctor can see you." "Vada's here." "She says she's very sick." "She looks all right to me." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Okay." "He'll see you." "Why don't you go in?" "Well, what is it?" "I can handle it." "You are perfectly healthy." "That can't be." "I have all the classic symptoms." "Sweetheart, did they bring Mr. Layton to your house today?" "Yes." "Vada, you've got to stop this." "There's absolutely nothing wrong with you." "I'll just have to get a second opinion." "So what did he say was wrong with you?" "The whole medical profession is a crock." "Hey, wait up for me." " Hey, look." " At what?" "That's Mr. Bixler." "Let's go talk to him." "I don't want to talk to no teacher." "It's summer." "Hi, Mr. Bixler." "Mademoiselle Sultenfuss and the amazing Dr. J." " How's the summer treating you?" " It's okay." "Mr. Bixler, I finished all the books for summer reading." "Really?" "Already?" "The summer's just begun." "Yes, and now I'm reading War and Peace for fun." "No wonder you're my prize pupil." " What about you, Thomas J?" " I haven't started yet." "Better get on his case, Vada." "Mr. Bixler, how come you're painting this old house?" "Well, I just bought it." "Now I'm fixing it up." "This is one big house for one single person." "Well, you never can tell." "I might get a pet." "How are you going to get the money to pay for this old house if you're not working?" "Well, I'm going to teach creative writing this summer." "So, I'm doing some work." " How much does it cost?" " $35." "What do you get for that?" "Me, two hours a week, talking about poetry." " This an interrogation, Vada?" " No." "Well, I guess I'll go home and finish off War and Peace." "It's summer." "You're kids." "Go play." "Want to go to Gray's orchard and pick some peaches?" " No, I'm going home." " Why?" "It's not dinnertime yet." ""Dinnertime"?" "You're like a dog." "You just go home to eat!" "Don't pee on the hydrant!" "Bill" "I love you so I always will" "I look at you and see the passion" "Eyes of May" "Oh, but am I ever gonna see" "My wedding day" "Rupert Gwynn called." "There was a big accident on PA-34." "They're bringing in two tomorrow." "Excuse me, Harry, I finished Mr. Layton's hair." "He kinda looked..." "Harry, what's wrong with her?" "She's just pretending." "Vada, get up here and eat your broccoli." "I think it's my prostate." "No." "How many removals did you say we were expecting?" "Two." "I'm gonna have to do a v-section on one." "Can you give me a hand?" "Well, I guess so." "If you want." "Now this isn't gonna be a repeat of that smelter accident a few years ago, is it?" "Don't mock that." "That's how we bought the new Cadillac." "Yes, I know that." "Except, I had a body in my bedroom, you had a body in your bedroom." "We were littered with peoples' bodies." " Who's winning?" " I am." "Look." "Vada and her little boyfriend." "He is not my boyfriend." "I bet she kisses him on the lips." "Do you think I'd kiss that ugly old thing?" "Yeah, anyway." "Come on, let's go." "Judy's father owns the Bijou Theater, and we get to see all the movies for free." " Maybe you can come sometime." " Don't invite her." "She'll have to bring her boyfriend." "Vada and Thomas" "Sittin' in a tree" "K" " I" " S" " S" " I" " N" " G" "First comes love Then comes marriage" "Then comes Thomas J. in the baby carriage" "You know, Vada, you shouldn't let those girls upset you." "I'm not upset." "I will never play with those girls." "I only surround myself with people who I find intellectually stimulating." "Want a piece of chocolate?" " Thomas J?" " I'm allergic to it." " To chocolate?" " He's allergic to everything." "To chocolate?" " To everything." " To everything." " That's a pretty ring you're wearing." " It's a mood ring." " It tells what mood I'm in." " It doesn't work." "It always stays black." "It's only black when you're around 'cause you put me in a bad mood." "Maybe black means you're happy." "I don't think so." "Shelly, how can I get $35?" "She's crazy." "She wants to go to school over the summer." "It's not a real school." "It's a writing class." "I want to be a writer." "She only wants to go because her sweetie pie's the teacher." "Shut your big fat mouth!" "I think you'd make a fine writer." "Did you ask your dad?" "He won't give it to me." "Well, you don't know that." "Ask him." "Edith, what channel is Cronkite on?" "Channel 2, Archie, the one we don't watch 'cause you always say Walter Cronkite is a communist." "I never said that, Edith." "The man ain't all red." "What's the matter with this?" "There ain't nothing coming on." "I'll help you fix it, Daddy." "Daddy, can I have $35?" "That's a lot of money for a little girl." "It's for school." "A summer writing class." "Any more soda left?" "Shelly thinks I'd be a good writer." "Last month you wanted to play the violin." "Then you wanted to be a ventriloquist." "Dad?" "I love this guy." " Dad?" " What?" "The money?" "Well, maybe next summer." "He forgot about the time I wanted to be a magician." "I was really great at making myself disappear." " Want to play?" " No." "I got to go to the cemetery." "Keep your head up." "Don't look at the ball." "Look at me." "See?" "You were looking at the ball." "All right?" "Keep your head up." "Give me some skin." "All right." "Please!" "Open the door!" "Please, someone, open the door!" "Please!" "Please!" "Open the door!" "There he was just-a walkin' down the street" "Singin' "doo-wah diddy-diddy dum-diddy-doo"" " Poppin' his fingers and shuffling his feet" " Vada?" "Vada?" "What happened?" "My ball." "I lost my ball." "Come on, sweetie." "Excuse me, Harry?" " Could you take a look at Mrs. Porter?" " Yeah." "Didn't I give you a picture of what she looked like?" "Yeah." "You don't like it?" "This was the Reverend Porter's wife." "You have her looking like a two-dollar hooker." "I think she looks nice." "Her lips are very thin so I used the gloss to give them a more sensual quality and her eyes just needed a little definition, and her hair..." "I'm sorry." " Nobody wears this hairdo anymore in 1972." " She did." "This photo was taken a month ago at the church food drive." "I just wanted to get past this old schoolmarm image." "That wasn't an image." "She was an old schoolmarm." "Fix it." "Harry." "I was just wondering if there is anything wrong with Vada." "What do you mean?" " Well, the other night at dinner..." " That." "She just likes to play." "I don't think so." "I think she's confused about death." "She was raised in a funeral home." "She knows a thing or two about it." " But Harry, I really think..." " She's a perfectly happy 11-year-old girl." "Look, don't give me any advice about my daughter." "Okay?" "Late last night Not the night before" "Twenty-four robbers came a- knockin' at my door" "As I went out To let them in" "This is what they told me And this is what they said" "Patty-cake, patty- cake Turn around" "There's Shelly." "Hi." "Can we look around in your camper?" "Sure." "I'll give you the royal tour." "Whoa." "Gosh." "Wow!" "This is the coolest thing." "And you can really eat and sleep here?" "I'm going to drive us to Liverpool." ""Liverpool"?" "Big Ringo fan." "Right." " Would you like a soda?" " I would." " Thomas?" " Yes, please." "What are you reading?" "You shouldn't be looking at that." "It's a little too old for you." "Did you read all these books?" "What are they about?" "Mostly love and romance." "Gross." "They're just fun to read." "Here." "Cheers." "Are you married?" "No." "I'm divorced." "Daddy said it's bad when people get divorced." "I know." "Sometimes married people just find out they can't live with each other." "The Meyers are divorced." "Shelly, can I have a cookie?" "Hey, where are all the cookies?" "Well, I guess you found my secret hiding place." "What are you saving for?" "Nothing in particular." "Just putting it away for a rainy day." "I'm supposed to be home at noon for lunch." "Thanks, Shelly." "Bye." "Well, Miss Vada, what do you say we head back?" " Can I use your bathroom first?" " Sure." "You don't have to wait." "Daddy will be mad if you're late." "Okay." ""The great way is not difficult for those with no preferences." ""With the absence of both love and hate," ""everything becomes clear and undisguised. "" "That was written by a Chinese philosopher in the year 600." "Now, why would I choose to bring that up in a creative writing class?" "Because the absence of judgment helps us to appreciate reality." "In other words," "I want you to listen to your classmates' writing with a clear and open heart." "Okay?" "So, who's going to go first?" "I got one." "Yeah." ""I sang a song for you to hear" ""I painted a picture for you to see" ""I picked a rose for you to smell" ""I planted grass for you to touch" ""But you did not hear my song" ""You did not see my picture" ""You did not smell my rose" ""And you did not touch my grass. "" "Maybe she was out of town." "That's not funny." "His poem is about futility." "We toil in unrewarded obscurity." "Now, I hear judgment." "Let's not forget the part about the open heart." "Vada, is there something I can do for you?" "I paid the money." "For this class?" "I want to be a writer." "But Vada, this is a..." "This is an adult writing class." "Hey, I think it's real beautiful." "She wants to be a writer." "More power to you, little sister." "Vada, you sure you want to do this?" "Okay." "Welcome to the class." "Go find a seat." "Okay." "Who's next?" "I experienced something with my boyfriend the other day and I wrote a few words down." "Floor's yours, Ronda." ""He covers me like a blanket" ""From the cold, dark night" ""As I look into his eyes, I know it's right" ""To touch, to feel" ""I know he's real" ""Flesh, all a mesh" ""Flesh, all a mesh" ""I can't fight it" ""There's no point" ""I wake up and light a joint"" "Vada." "I wrote a poem, too." "Please." "Ode to Ice Cream by Vada Sultenfuss." ""I like ice cream a whole lot" ""It tastes good when days are hot" ""On a cone or in a dish This would be my only wish" ""Vanilla, chocolate or rocky road Even with pie a la mode. "" "That's all I got so far." "I hear that, Vada." ""Flesh all a mesh" or "rocky road," it's about desire." "Vada, that's..." "It's very sweet and it rhymes and that's also good, but you're not expressing to me what's in your soul." "I want you to show me how you see the world, your fears, your desires," "your innermost secrets." "My fears and secrets:" "I'm afraid I killed my mother." "Cannot do without" "Harry's wild about me" "Excuse me, Harry." "I'm sorry." "I just want to let you know the flowers were delivered and the room's all set up." "Thanks." "Listen, I want to apologize for the other day downstairs about Vada." "I was a little harsh." "I shouldn't stick my nose in other people's business." "It's just that I like Vada very much." "After my wife died, Gramoo moved in here to help us take care of Vada." "They were very close." "But lately, as her mind's been wandering more and more," "Vada's been acting kind of crazy." "I'm sure she'll snap out of it, though." "I'm sure she will." "Nothing's biting today." "Maybe they had a big breakfast." "I'm going to be an acrobat when I grow up." "Big deal." "I can do that, too." "Thomas J., you got something." "No!" "Hurry." "I'm trying." "Reel it in." "It's only a sunny." "Throw it back." "I don't like touching fish." "I'm gonna pull the hook out without having to touch it." "You're hurting him." "Don't kill him." "Darn hook." "I'm bleeding." "Did he get away?" "Go look." "Yeah, he got away." "Come on, let's go." "We can become blood brothers." "No, I don't want to." " You could pick that scab on your arm." " It's a mosquito bite." "It will bleed." "If I do it, can we go?" "Okay." "Okay, rub them together." "Now we're blood brothers for life." "Hi." "Hi." "What can I do for you?" "Nothing." "I was just wondering what you were doing." "I'm just typing up a funeral notice." "You know, when someone dies we put one in the paper, usually." "It's a service we provide for the family." "Right, right." ""Bader, Lorenzo." ""Died June 22, 1972." ""Devoted husband to Nicolette." ""Cherished father of Fabrizio and Heidi." ""In lieu of flowers please send donations to the Holy Name Society. "" "I wrote that." "No kidding?" "It's good, "in lieu of. " I love that word "lieu. "" "I prefer it to "instead. " It has more dignity." ""In lieu," "instead"..." "No contest." "It's no big deal." "Harry, you have to learn how to take a compliment." "Movies, movies..." "Love Story at the drive-in." "I cried my eyes out." "Did you see it?" "I haven't been to the movies in ages." "I love to see movies." "Especially at the drive-in." "I don't think there's anything more romantic than going to the drive-in." "I'll let you get back to work." "I do enjoy playing bingo." "If you'd like to join me for a game tomorrow night at church, you're welcome to." "Okay." "Hi, Vada." "Are you going out somewhere?" "Nope." "So how come you're putting lipstick on?" "A girl's always got to look her best." "I think lipstick looks fake." "No one's lips are that color." " Have you ever tried any?" " No." "Come here." "Sit down." "Go like this." "A little less." "Okay." "All right." "Now, first, we blot." "Take a look." "I think it looks real nice on you." "Shelly, do you think I'm pretty?" "Yes, Vada, I think you're very pretty." "You've got these great, big sparkling eyes the cutest little nose, an amazing mouth." "The boys at school don't think I am." "They'll come around." "Close your eyes." "I want to bring out the gorgeous color in them." "Now, the first rule in applying eye makeup is you can never wear enough blue eye shadow." "Do you like putting makeup on people?" "I've been trying to get out to Hollywood for years to do makeup for all the movie stars," "but I haven't gotten there yet." "All right." "Open your eyes." "Shelly, I would definitely hold off on that Hollywood thing." " Your lip bleeding?" " No!" "What's wrong with your eyes?" "A girl can never wear enough eye shadow." "Where's your bike?" "In the garage." "Walk me over." "It's only a garage." "Come on." "Hey, one of my streamers is gone." "Probably fell off in here." "Hey, look at this." "That was Gramoo's." "It's a phrenology chart." "They used to study the bumps on your head to see if you had a good personality or not." "Come here, I'll diagnose your head." "I don't want to." "Come on, it's fun." " Interesting." " What?" " You have no personality." " Hey, where does it say that?" "Never mind." "Is that your dad?" "Yes." "Who's that with your dad?" "That's my mother." " Do you remember her?" " No." "Gramoo said she's in heaven." " What do you think it's like?" " What?" "Heaven." "I think..." "Everybody gets their own white horse and all they do is ride them and eat marshmallows all day." "And everybody's best friends with everybody else, and when you play sports there's no teams, so nobody gets picked last." "But what if you're afraid to ride horses?" "It doesn't matter 'cause they're not regular horses." "They got wings." "And it's no big deal if you fall, 'cause you just land in a cloud." "That doesn't sound so bad." "Come on." "We'll never find that streamer." "Well, well, well." "What's going on in here?" "Nothing." "I'm dressing." "You're dressing." "Harry, Harry, Harry, Harry." "Don't you know it's not nice to lie to your big brother?" "Hey, watch the hair!" " The shirt!" " Give!" "All right!" " I'm going out with Shelly." " Yes!" "Yes." "That's great." "That's great." " I'm very nervous." " Why?" " The last date I had was 20 years ago." " That's true." "Harry." "Harry." "Sit down." "Let me fill you in on today's women." "Since the last time you dated, something happened." "The sexual revolution." "Now, before that you used to have to hold a door open for a woman, pull her chair out, pick up the check." "No more, no more." "You want to know what else is missing?" "Bras." " Come on." " Harry, I'm serious." "Trust me, Harry." "This woman's lib thing is in." "You got to treat her like every Tom, Dick and Harry." "Are you sure about all this?" "Did you not tell Vada I'm a womanizer, huh?" "I'm running late." "Shelly will be here any minute." "She's picking you up." "Good, you're on the right track." "No, she's just driving over here." "Then we're taking my car." "How do I look?" "Like a Sultenfuss." "Go get her." " Night, Vada." " Dad..." "Why are you dressed up to play bingo?" "I just want to look nice." "You never cared before." "Well, Shelly's coming over." "We're going to go together." " Why?" " She likes to play bingo." "Can I go, too?" "No, I think you better stay here and keep Gramoo company." "Kitty, looks like your hunch really paid off." "Yeah, well, I'm glad." "Though I got to admit I'd just as soon not have any more bounty prisoners coming through Dodge anytime soon." "It's a bit wearing on the nerves." "You know, this day was starting off just fine and I'm going to keep it that way." "Doc, you never answered my question." "Talk about wearing on the nerves..." "Vada?" " Vada, where are you?" " Here." "Don't do that!" "Sorry." "What do you want?" "My mom will skin me alive if she finds out I'm out here." "Let's go to the church." "They're playing bingo tonight." "I told you, I'd get in trouble." " Pacifist!" " Am not." " Bed-wetter." " I stopped that." ""N-38. "" "Under the "N," three, eight." "Don't laugh, here's a strategy to bingo." "For instance, on a given night anybody can win, but I play the odds." "When choosing bingo cards, I use a range of theories from the laws of probability to avoiding duplicate number systems." "This way you get much more activity." "Does it make it easier to win?" "No, just more activity." ""I-17. "" "Under the "I," one, seven." "Hi, Carl." "Vern." "They're not going to let us in, Vada." "We're kids." "We're not going to bet." "We're just going to watch." "Watch bingo?" "I don't even like to play bingo." "Duck." ""N-4-2. "" "Under the "N", four, two." "Great!" " There's your dad and Shelly." " I don't want them to see me." "3-7." ""B-4. "" "Under the "B," four." ""O-69. "" "Under the "O," six, nine." " I just had a terrible thought, Harry." " What's that?" "I'm going to be putting makeup on some of these people very soon." "Why do you think these seats were empty?" ""B-6. " Under the "B", six." " Can we go yet?" " Go." "You know I'm not allowed out by myself after dark." " I'm just not lucky, Harry." " It's not always luck." "I mean, depending upon the placement of the numbers a guy with ten cards can win as easily as a guy with 100." "Kind of like men." "How do you mean?" "You can be in a room with 100 men and not like any of them." "Or you can be in a room with just one man, and he's exactly the one you want." ""B-1. " Under the B, one." "Bingo!" "We have a winner." "Will the winner please raise their hand?" "There was no bingo." "It came from outside." " How could someone outside get a bingo?" " Someone outside didn't get a bingo." "Someone outside yelled "bingo," you moron." " Who you calling a moron?" " Put a lid on it, Vern." "Put a lid on it?" "If you weren't 200 years old, I'd kick your wrinkled ass!" "It's just a bingo game." "We can go now." "I had a good time tonight." "I haven't had a bingo partner in ages." "Would you like to come in and see my house?" "Just for a minute." "Okay, sure." " Home sweet home." " It's nice." "I did it myself." "I read a magazine article about how to maximize small spaces." "It certainly looks bigger than it seems." "You can look in the bathroom, if you want." "People are always curious about that." "Like what happens when you flush?" "Yeah." "Are you mad at me?" "No, why?" "I don't know." "Tonight you just seemed a little cool." "Not opening car doors and..." "That was Phil, trying to give me advice on dating '70s women." "Look, I'm so out of touch." "I haven't dated a woman in ages." "Not since my wife died." "What happened to her?" "Complications during childbirth." "She died two days after Vada was born." "Did she ever see Vada?" "I brought the baby into the room a couple of times." "She opened her eyes." "Yeah." "Yeah, I think she saw Vada." "It was..." "Well, did I ruin this?" "Dance with me." "Here?" "This is where we are." "Is there enough room?" " I haven't danced..." " In ages." "I know." "Me neither." "Bra?" "See?" "You're not that out of touch." "Phil, he's..." "You're good." "At Whitman High, I was considered a pretty hot date." "I did a killer frug." "What are you wearing?" "Old Spice." "Phil says it's a timeless classic." " So, do you want to?" " "Want to" what?" "Kiss me." " Yes." " Good." "Good at kissing and dancing." "I'm very optimistic." "I'd better go." "It's only a clock." "Good night, Shelly." "Good night." "Well, I guess it's official." "We had a date." "Maybe we can play bingo again sometime." "I'm tired of bingo." "Maybe we should try that drive-in of yours." "Good night." "Before the class started," "Ronda and Justin wanted to lead the class in a group meditation." "That's really cool." "Okay, what we're going to do is send our vibes out into the group." "Everybody hold hands and close your eyes." "Relax your muscles and take deep breaths." "Now, try to feel what the other person is feeling without speaking any words." "Send out your vibe and receive the vibes around you at the same time." "Can you feel it?" "Okay, open your eyes." "What did everybody feel?" "I felt Mrs. Hunsaker's strength." "I can feel that Ronda is one with the earth." "She's so cosmically in tune." "So right on." "That's exactly what I sent out, and I felt like you were full of inner peace and harmony." "Vada, what did you feel?" "I felt Justin's hangnail." "No, Vada." "That's not what we're looking for." "A hangnail is insignificant." "What's in my soul?" "Feel my aura." "I don't think I'm allowed to." "Tell you what." "Let's try it again." "Hold hands." "Gramoo once had a hangnail on her big toe." "It got infected and traveled to her vocal cords." "Ruined her singing voice." "I don't think Gramoo thought it was insignificant." "And some lettuce." "Watch out for the rust when you get lettuce." "Hey!" "I thought I recognized you two." " Hi, Vada." " Hi." " We were picking things up for the barbecue." " Yeah, me, too." "Mind if I tag along?" "Not at all." " A lot of potatoes." " It's for Shelly's famous potato salad." "I'm looking forward to that." "Hey!" "Damn it!" " Vada, watch what you're doing." " Sorry." "You know, this is gonna be my first Fourth of July picnic." "Really?" "Dad, didn't you say you needed prunes real bad?" "Vada, just put anything you want in the cart, anything at all." "I don't know what's gotten into her today." "I need olives." "I used to like my Ken and Barbie dolls." "Ken was my favorite." "Then one Christmas, I got them a camper and all they wanted to do was hang out in it by themselves." "So I wasn't too upset when they took that wrong turn and went over a cliff." "Gave proof through the night" "That our flag was still there" "Oh, say does that star-spangled" "Banner yet wave" "Harry, Harry, Harry, Harry, Harry, Harry." "I told you to use fewer briquettes and now look what you've done." " You've cremated them." " That's what I do." " You want to do it?" " No, no, no." "If you think you know how, why don't you pre-measure the briquettes into little packages?" "Put out a product." "Support me for a while." " How's it going, chef?" " Okay." " I love your apron." " Thanks." " Are they ready yet?" " No, sweetie, not yet." " When?" " Soon, honey, soon." "When?" "In a minute." "Look, it's hot." "Sweetie, you'll burn your nose." "Look out." "Rub-a-dub-dub." "Thanks for the grub." "Yay, God." "I'll second that." "Hey, Shelly, like seafood?" "Why?" "See food." "That's attractive." "Shit!" "Excuse me." "Hey, Shelly." "Who lives here, The Addams Family?" "Danny, what are you doing here?" "What am I doing here?" "What am I doing here?" "Hi, Ralph." " Danny, how did you find me?" " You told everybody where you were going." " I'm here for the motor home." " No!" "These two people do not have a good relationship." "I've been living in it for over a year." "The camper is mine." "Excuse me. "Mutual asset. " That's what the lawyer said." "It's supposed to be our mutual asset, not Shelly's recreational vehicle." " Give me the keys." " Keep your voice down..." " Why?" " My boss is watching us." "I'm impressed." " God, I guess I have to introduce you now." " Yeah, all right." "This is Harry, Phil, Gramoo and Vada Sultenfuss." "Vada Sultenfuss?" "Tough break." "I like my name." "This is Danny and Ralph." "They own the Dino Raphael salon in Detroit." "We used to be married." "Are you here to take Shelly back?" "Nice to meet you." "We got burgers and hot dogs here if you care to join us." " I can't stay." "I'm here because my wife..." " Ex!" "Ex." "Ex." "My ex-wife seems to have ripped off my camper." "Shelly?" "Honestly, Harry, he got the Mustang." "I promise..." "I don't think so." "In fact, I've got a copy of the property settlement right here." "Shit!" "This is my lease." "Damn it, I keep forgetting things." "I'm getting senile." " Danny?" " What?" "Okay, I know you've suffered a terrible loss and there's really nothing anyone can do to comfort you." "But I urge you to focus on the times you had with the camper." "The trips you took, the sights you saw." "Those days are gone now, but they'll live on in your heart forever." "Is this guy boinking you?" "That's a real bonehead thing to say!" "Look, you're not going to take Shelly's camper." "No?" " It's her home." "It's where she lives." " Oh, really?" "Okay, fine." "Look, go cook." "Give me the goddamn keys." " Stop that, that hurts!" " Come on." "Danny!" "What did you do that for?" " Who are you?" " I'm his brother." "Then you'll probably be visiting us here quite often." "Why?" "Because if he ever tries to take Shelly's camper again," "I'm going to bury him in my front yard." "Your father's a savage." "Bye, Ralph." "Well, you were pretty great." "Is it really your camper?" "Look!" " Can you see them from the backyard?" " You can get the general idea." "Yeah, there they are." "They always look the same every year." "Look." "Did you love him?" "I would never marry anybody I didn't love." "He must like Shelly." "I never saw him hit anyone in his life." "He likes her." "Does he love her?" "Probably." "Do you like her?" "Yes, I do." " And I think she's very good for your father." " Why?" "After your mother died, he was sad all the time, but before that, he was pretty funny." "Really?" "Now when I see him with Shelly, sometimes he seems like the old Harry." "My dad was funny?" "Well, he wasn't one of the Marx Brothers, but he made me laugh." "My uncle fought in the Korean War." "He had a steel plate put in his head." "Daddy said he didn't come back the same." "One night we picked up a radio station from Oklahoma in his teeth." "It was really neat." " Can't you see it?" " What?" " Can't you see it?" " No." "It's there." "Vada, there is no chicken bone stuck in your throat." "Dr. Welty, are you sure those are yours?" "So you fill it with water, like this, and what have you got?" "A water gun." " Cool!" "Can I get one for Vada?" " Yes, yes." "Thomas, let me ask you a question." "Does Vada ever tell you why she comes down here so much?" "'Cause she's dying." " Do you think she is?" " No." "Why do you think she says that?" "Because she gets scared of all those dead people in her house." "And you know that saying, "Can't beat them, join them. "" "Well, if she's one of them, she won't be as scared." "You know what I think?" "I think Vada's very lucky to have a friend like you." "She's my best friend." "Miss Vada, how are you feeling?" "As good as can be expected." "Hey, Vada, guess what we got?" " What?" " This." "Hey, you!" "I'm going to get you!" "I'll get you!" "Give me that, you creep!" "I just got you." "No, you didn't." " Whoa." " What?" " There's a beehive right there." " So?" "Stand back." "Are you crazy?" "You'll get stung." "You're right." "Let's knock it down." " What do you want it for, anyway?" " 'Cause they're neat." "I got it." "My mood ring." "It fell off." "I got to find it." "They're alive!" "Run for your life!" " Run faster!" "They're after us!" " I am running faster!" " Hurry!" " Jump in the water!" " But I have my clothes on!" " Do it!" " Vada, is that you?" " Yes." "Hey, guess what." "We're going to the carnival tonight." "Be ready to go in 10 minutes." "Shelly's coming with us." " So, Vada, what's your favorite ride?" " I like the freak show." "I know, I know." "Let's go on the sit-on-the-bench-and-rest ride." "I don't think that the roller coaster agreed with your dad's stomach." "You know, Vada, you have to watch what you eat here." "I remember once I went to a carnival with my cousins, David and Frank, and they both ate hot dogs and the next day they came down with nephritis." "Nephritis is a kidney disease." " You don't get it from hot dogs." " Well, I'm no doctor." "All I know is, the next day they had really high fevers and their faces got very fat." "They baffled medical science." "They were in a magazine." "They were!" "Popular Mechanics..." "No, Popular Science." "I don't know." "It was Popular." " Look, they're trying to hit that poor thing." " Watch you don't knock out a fish." "Just arc it." "I don't know which ball's mine." " I won!" "I won!" " Great!" "We have a winner." "There you go, little girl." "See how easy it is, folks." "Vada, that's a gorgeous goldfish." "Where did you get that ring?" "Did you win it?" "Vada, we have something to tell you." "Harry?" "Vada, we have some good news." "Shelly and I are getting married." "My fish!" "We're having the wedding sometime near the end of the summer." "You'll be okay, little fish." "Vada, would you like us to get you another goldfish?" "No." "He's fine." "Fish are very resilient animals, you know." "Don't worry." "I won't get another fish." "The bumper car!" "The bumper car!" "For just 50 cents, a half dollar, five dimes, ten nickels, we have a ride that's guaranteed to rearrange all of your internal organs." "Don't pass me by!" "That's the bumper car ride!" "Bumper cars!" "You can't go to a carnival and not ride the bumper cars." "I'd fall asleep at the wheel." " I'll ride on the bumper cars with you." " Great, Vada, come on." "Two." "I got the blue one!" " No." " Yes." "I'm going to come get you." "Vada, keep your hands on the wheel." "Careful, Vada." "Careful." "Shelly, look out!" " Hi, Vada." " Hi, can Thomas J. come out?" "Sure, come on in." " Hi, Vada." " Hi." "Want to ride bikes?" "Sure." " Did you make your bed?" " Yes." " You're sure?" " It's made." "Come here." "You've got a milk mustache." "Come on, let's go." " Bye, Mrs. Sennett." " Bye, Ma." "Have fun, kids." " I'm running away." " Where you running to?" "California." "Going to Hollywood to live with The Brady Bunch." " I want to live with them, too." " No, you can't." "They have enough kids." "You'll have to live with The Partridge Family." "Really?" "That's it." " Get up." " I'm tired of running away." "Besides, we passed this place two times already." "We're not getting nowhere." "So, why are you running away?" " My dad gave Shelly a ring." " Wow!" "Was it a decoder ring?" "You're such a retard." "It was an engagement ring." "They're getting married?" "So now you have a mother." "I don't like her." "I do." "She's real funny." "He likes her better than me." " I'm hungry." "I can't last any longer." " Then go home, baby." "I have to, anyway." "My mom will be worried." "Leave then." "Some friend you are." "You can come to my house for dinner." "No, I'm hiding out." "Okay, see you." "Are the gentlemen going to stay or not?" "Perhaps you didn't hear what I said, Mr. Deeds." "The whole Circle fortune goes to you." "$20 million." "Oh, yes, I heard you all right." "Twenty million, that's quite a lot, isn't it?" "It will do in a pinch." "I wonder why he left me all that money?" "I don't need it." "In social studies we learned some people stole the Lindbergh baby right out of his house." "I think I'll sleep with my window open tonight." "Oh, my God!" "Daddy!" "Daddy!" "Daddy!" "Daddy!" "Daddy!" " Daddy!" " Vada, what's the matter?" "Where's Daddy?" " He just left." "What's wrong?" " I'm hemorrhaging." "What do you mean, you're hemorrhaging?" " I don't want or need your help." " Vada, did this happen in the bathroom?" " How old are you?" " I'm 11 and a half." "It's okay." "Come on upstairs." "We have to have a little talk." "My mommy and daddy did that?" "Actually, a very beautiful thing." "And look, there wouldn't have been a Vada." "I think it should be outlawed." "Believe me, someday you'll feel differently." "That's probably Thomas J. I don't want to see him." "It's not fair." "Nothing happens to boys." "Hi, Vada." "Can you come out?" "I don't know." "Please." "It's real hot." "Maybe we can go swimming." "No." "Get out of here." "And don't come back for five to seven days!" "Gramoo, I'm going to the bathroom." "I'll be right back." "Stay here." "It's quarter to three" "There's no one in the place" "Just you and me" "So set them up, Joe" "I've got a little story you ought to know" "We're coming, my friend" " To the end of brief episode" " I'm so sorry." " All right, Ma." "It's okay." " So make it one for my baby" " And one more for the road" " Very, very sorry." "Now what were you thinking, huh?" "It's your responsibility to watch her!" "Do you have any idea how upset those people are in there?" "Why do you think people want to get married?" "When you get older, you just have to." "I'm going to marry Mr. Bixler." "You can't marry a teacher." "It's against the law." " It is not." " Yes, it is." "'Cause then he'll give you all A's and it won't be fair." "Not true." "Have you ever kissed anyone?" "Like they do on TV?" "No." "Well, maybe we should, just to see what's the big deal." "But I don't know how." "Here, practice on your arm like this." "Like this?" "Okay, enough practice." "Close your eyes." "Then I won't be able to see anything." " Just do it." " Okay, okay." "Okay, on the count of three." "One." "Two." "Two and a half." "Three." "Say something." "It's too quiet." "Just hurry." ""I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America" " "and to the Republic for which it stands." " "For which it stands." " "One nation under God, indivisible." " "One nation under God, indivisible," " "with liberty and justice for all. " - "with liberty and justice for all. "" " You better not tell anyone." " You better not either." " Well, let's spit on it." " Okay." " See you tomorrow." " Okay, see you." "Vada?" "What?" "Would you think of me?" "For what?" "If you don't get to marry Mr. Bixler." "I guess." "Yes." "No." "God, no." "Get away." "Get away!" "Hi, Vada." "Hi." "What are you doing?" "Feeding my fish." " Is that the fish you won at the carnival?" " Yes." "He's getting big." "Vada, come here and sit down for a minute." "Vada, something happened to Thomas J. last night." "He stepped on a beehive." "I told him not to tease those bees." "Did he get stung?" "Maybe I should go over and yell at him." "No, sweetheart." "You can't." "Why not?" "He was allergic to bees." "He's okay, isn't he?" "There were just too many of them." "Dr. Welty!" "Dr. Welty!" "Vada, what's wrong, sweetheart?" " I can't breathe." "I'm suffocating." " Wait, relax now." "Let me look." "It's okay." "Up here, we'll have a look." "That's a girl." "It hurts." "It hurts so bad." " Make it stop." " What hurts, Vada?" "The bee stings!" "I can't breathe." "Vada?" "I'm leaving some food for you by the door in case you get hungry." " Hi." " Hi." "Is Vada home?" "Yes, she is, but she's very upset so she's not seeing anyone." "I'm Judy." "I go to school with her." "I wanted to tell her I'm sorry about Thomas J." "Well, maybe she'll feel better in a couple days." "Will you tell her I came by?" " Sure." " Thank you." " Bye." " Bye." " Hi, Harry." " Hi, Reverend Moss." "The Sennett's want to thank you for taking care of things so quickly." "Vada?" "I see you took your tray in." "Maybe you should come down for the funeral." "Sometimes it helps." "Vada?" "She won't come out." "It's been a whole day." "You have to do something, Harry." "The funeral's starting." "Open your eyes." "She's 11 years old." "Her only friend in the world is dead." "I know that, but what do you want from me?" "Stop hiding, Harry." "You run, Harry." "When I first came here, the idea of working with dead people didn't exactly thrill me." "But when I saw a family lived here," "I thought," ""If I'm living without a family," ""at least I can work with one." ""And maybe once in a while be invited in for supper. "" "Yeah." "And when those suppers are disrupted because there's a car crash, or there's a fire, or a little boy steps on a beehive." "I'm not asking you to stop feeling for those people." "But life isn't just death, Harry." "Don't ignore the living." "Especially your daughter." "Excuse me, Harry, Shelly, the minister's about to begin." "Thank you, Arthur." "We are here to honor Thomas James Sennett." "He was born May 7, 1961 in Madison, Pennsylvania." "He is survived by his loving parents, Charles and Susan Sennett, his grandparents, William and Gloria Sennett, and Gerald and Marjorie Finn, and many relatives, friends and schoolmates." "The interment will follow at Madison Memorial Park." "The family has asked me to say a few words before we proceed to the cemetery." "No words I could say would begin to express the loss and grief we feel." "One word that keeps ringing in my ear is "why?"" "Why would God choose to take this little boy from us?" "Well, I can't give you an answer to that question, but I can tell you that God has chosen Thomas J." "for some very special reason." "We must find solace in knowing that Thomas J. is in God's care." "In that place, there is no sorrow or suffering." "The lion lies with the lamb." "The day is not divided." "I'd like to read a passage from the Bible." "This is Matthew 19:13." ""At one point, children were brought to him" ""that he might lay his hands on them and pray." ""The disciples began to chastise them." ""But Jesus said, 'Let the children come to me." ""Do not hinder them." ""The kingdom of God belongs to such as these. "" ""And he laid his hands on their heads" ""before he left that place. "" "Let us pray in silence." "You want to go tree-climbing, Thomas J?" "His face hurts." "And where is his glasses?" "He can't see without his glasses." "Put his glasses on." "Put on his glasses." "He was going to be an acrobat." " He's gone, sweetheart." "He's gone." " Get away from me!" "Vada, wait!" "Vada!" "Vada!" "Vada, I was just on my way to your house." "Are you all right?" "I'm so sorry about Thomas J." "Okay, we don't have to talk about him." "Vada, Vada, we don't have to talk about him." "It's okay." "We won't talk about him." "Justin and Ronda say that I should tell people what I feel." "Come here, sit down." "Sit down over here." "Mr. Bixler..." "I love you." "Vada..." "I love you like my dad loves Shelly." "I want to live here." "I think your dad would miss you." "No, he wouldn't." "I can't go home." "Jake, I'll be ready in a second." "I can't seem to find my other earring." "Suzanne, this is Vada." "Vada, hi." "I'm really sorry." " Could you just give us a minute?" " Yeah." "Who's that?" "That's Suzanne." "She and I are going to be married this fall." "No." "I was going to bring her to class next week." "I want her to hear your poem." "Vada." "Please, honey." "I cared for him, too." "Vada, please." "Get away from me." "Vada!" "Vada, sweetheart, don't..." "Why do you think people want to get married?" "When you get older, you just have to." "Who's that with your dad?" "That's my mother." "I'm going to be an acrobat when I grow up." "Vada?" "Would you think of me?" "If you don't get to marry Mr. Bixler." "Now we're blood brothers for life." "Shelly, I'm sorry, but we haven't found her yet." "It's dark." "She can't be alone in the dark." " We'll keep looking." " We've been looking since this morning." " Her teacher called and he said..." " I know, I know." "You told us." "Vada?" "Are you okay?" "Oh, God." "I should have told Thomas J. that he was my best friend." "I'm sure he knew." "Shelly." "I stole some money from your cookie jar to pay for the writing class." " It's okay, sweetheart." " I'll pay you back." "Besides, I don't think I'll ever go to class again." "I'll tell you what." "You dedicate your first book to me." "I'll forget the whole thing." " I will." "I promise." " Okay." "Get into bed." " Good night." " Good night." "She's here." "Did I kill my mother?" "What?" "The bees killed Thomas J. and I killed my mother." "No, no." "Now, sweetie, that wasn't your fault." "Things like that aren't anybody's fault." "It just happened." "I found this." "I forgot about that picture." " Where did you find it?" " In the garage." "That little Chevy was your mother's favorite car." "What was my mama like?" "She was pretty." "And kind." "And she had your eyes." "Boy, did she love to laugh." "Sometimes when you laugh, you sound just like her." "Really?" "You know what your mother did when she found out she was going to have you?" "She came home and painted this whole room pink." "She was so sure she would have a little girl." "Do you miss her?" "Yes." "I did, very much, for a long time." "And even now I get a little sad when I think about a pretty flower or a beautiful sunset that your mother would have liked." "I think every time I see or climb a tree I'll think of Thomas J." "That's good." "Memories are good, sweetheart." "Vada, I'm..." "I'm sorry." "I was trying to keep it from you." "I just couldn't." "You're a good girl." "I want you to be happy." "Don't be an old grump like me." "See you in the morning." "Daddy?" "It's not so bad to be like you." "Mrs. Sennett, how are you doing?" "Some days I think I'll be okay." "Others..." "Well, I have to force myself even to get out of bed." "I know it's crazy, but sometimes I think he's just away at summer camp." "How's Vada?" "She's doing much better." "She's just inside." "Vada!" " Mrs. Sennett." " Vada." "I've been wanting to come over to see you." "Thomas J. had this on him." "I thought you might like to have it." "You were such a good friend to him." "I hope you'll still come by and visit me." "I will." "I promise." "Mrs. Sennett," "Thomas J. will be all right." "My mother will take care of him." "Thank you, Vada." ""Encased in talent, like a uniform" ""The rank of every poet is well known" ""They can amaze us like a thunderstorm" ""Or die so young" ""Or live for years alone. "" "My advice to you on our last class, be a thunderstorm." "What exactly do you mean by that?" "I mean, be dangerous," "and unpredictable, and make a lot of noise." "Vada." "Hey!" "We missed you, man." "Give me a hug." "I was hoping you'd stop by today." "Can't stay." "I just came to read my poem." "We'd love to hear it." ""Weeping willow with your tears running down" ""Why do you always weep and frown?" ""Is it because he left you one day?" ""Is it because he could not stay?" ""On your branches he would swing" ""Do you long for the happiness that day would bring?" ""He found shelter in your shade" ""We thought his laughter would never fade" ""Weeping willow, stop your tears" ""For there is something to calm your fears" ""You think death has ripped you forever apart" ""But I know he'll always be in your heart. "" " Hi, Judy." " Vada." "Things are a little better these days." "I finally swallowed that chicken bone." "Judy and I are going to be in the same homeroom, and the Republican Party just renominated Mr. Nixon."