"All right, three minutes till roll call." "Let's make sure we're squared away." "Olsen, what's this?" "Dynamite's buried there, Colonel." "How far from the railroad station?" "400 yards." "And the train is due when?" "3:16 this afternoon." "Newkirk, how does he get out?" "Rides out with the dogs, Colonel, in the truck." "How's the truck get out?" "Carrying the dogs that are out looking for Olsen." "After you report him as missing." "During the diversion." "Which is set off when, Carter?" "When you give the signal, raising the bill of your cap." "Like this." "It's a pod, Colonel." "Ain't no sweat." "What do we do for an encore?" "You're good." "You're all very good." "We work together good." "So good, in fact, you're beginning to pad your parts." "Having so much fun, we're beginning to ad lib." "Well, hear this." "All I want is a simple diversion, a simple escape and a simple dynamiting of an ammunition train." "Stick to the script-- is that clear?" "Guard coming, Colonel." "All right, Olsen, get your gear together, get ready and go out." "Now... this is a woman." "W-O-M-A-N." "What is this?" "This is a lecture I have to give every six months, Schultz." "It's army regulations." "Ah, ah, ah." "I don't believe you." "You want to know what we were really doing?" "No!" "I want everybody out, out, out, out, out, out!" "All right, some other time, Schultz." "Roll call!" "Everybody out but you, Colonel Hogan." "Kommandant Klink wants to see you in his office." "It is urgent." "All right." "Trouble, Colonel?" "Yeah, I'll be able to handle it." "Look, uh, change the signal for the diversion." "When you see me come out of Klink's office, that'll be it." "Then Olsen takes off and blows up the choo-choo train." "When you come out of Klink's office, that's it." "Yeah." "What if you get held up in there?" "I'll tell him we have a train to catch." "Colonel Hogan, does the name General Von Platzen mean anything to you?" "Von Platzen..." "Yeah, the Inspector General." "Inspector General of the armies of the Third Reich." "Now, he is due to arrive here any moment." "Here?" "Why wasn't I notified?" "Why should you be?" "Why shouldn't I be?" "I, of course, have no anxiety." "Everything at Camp 13 is in perfect order, perfect." "Up till now, that's true." "But I am well aware, Colonel Hogan, there is nothing you and your men would not do to try to undermine my position here, even to have me replaced." "Replace you?" "Are you kidding?" "We'd do anything to keep you here." "Ah, ah, ah, ah." "I am not a vain man, so do not try flattery." "You would like someone less strict, less vigilant, less efficient, is that not so?" "No, you suit us just fine." "Ah!" "My record is perfect." "In over 200 attempts, not one successful escape... but I warn you... during this inspection visit," "I shall keep my eyes upon you, so do not try anything." "Is that clear?" "Sure, it's clear." "It just may be a little too late, that's all." "What do you mean?" "( knocking )" "Herr Kommandant." "Did I ask for you, Langenscheidt?" "Kommandant Klink," "General Von Platzen and his party are here." "Here?" "Where?" "How?" "Just outside the building." "I gave strict instructions I was to be notified the moment they came in the gate." "Now, I will find those responsible and..." "Did you say just outside the building?" "On their way in, Herr Kommandant." "Every hair in place." "Out!" "Oh, I'll wait here." "Out!" "General Von Platzen, Colonel Klink reporting, sir." "Colonel Klink, ja." "Things look very good here, ja, ja, ja." "Very... very good indeed." "Thank you, Herr General." "May I present Colonel Hogan, senior officer of the prisoners of war." "What?" "Who?" "Oh, ja, ja." "As long as you're inspecting, sir," "I'd like to complain about the food here." "Ah, you are confused, Ogan." "I am his inspector general, not yours." "Yeah, well, it's Hogan, sir." "Under international law," "I could stay right here and make a list." "If the prisoners do not complain about the food, then I know there is something wrong." "You have passed your first test, Klink." "Shall we go outside?" "Well, by all means, Herr General." "I will inspect your personal staff later." "Come, Brogan." "Uh, Hogan, sir, and I don't go outside much." "I have a chest condition." "Out!" "Out!" "Out." "Raus, everybody, raus!" "Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!" "Everybody, raus!" "Raus, everybody, raus!" "Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!" "Raus, everybody, raus!" "Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, everybody, raus!" "Raus, everybody!" "Eins, zwei, drei, vier, funf, sechs, sieben, acht, neun... ( explosions )" "B-l7's." "Barbarians!" "Now they're bombing prison camps!" "It is our leader's fault." "He told us that German soil would be sacred." "What am I saying?" "I think it's a thunderstorm." "( explosions )" "Any more firecrackers, Carter?" "Yeah, one more." "Oh, person'd think there's a war on, wouldn't they?" "Hey, Schultz!" "Schultz!" "I think we got a man missing." "Who cares?" "It's all over." "There's been an escape." "It's Olsen, Schultz." "He's gone!" "Did you have to tell me?" "I beg to report." "A prisoner is missing!" "Sound the alarm!" "Let loose the dogs!" "Get on your feet, you cowards!" "( alarm ringing )" "The truck with the dogs." "After them!" "Go!" "What'd you do that for, Colonel?" "It's a complicated war, Olsen." "Thanks." "Now, let us see what we have here." "Explosions... escapes... cigars?" "It is locked." "Allow me, Herr General." "Oh, ja, ja, ja." "So, you... you keep them locked up?" "It's a very interesting trait of character, Klink." "They are..." "my little prisoners." "Excuse me, Herr General, would you wish me to take all this down?" "As you wish." "Mainly, you just sit there and look pretty." "Thanks, I will." "Not you." "Oh, sorry." "Do you have an explanation for these, mm... occurrences, Klink?" "It is a plot to discredit me, Herr General." "This man would do anything to have me removed." "I have never trusted him." "Never." "Well!" "What steps have you taken, Klink?" "The escapee, Sergeant Olsen, is in the cooler for 30 days." "The entire camp will be punished by having their exercise period canceled for three weeks." "The barracks are being torn apart in a search for further explosive." "Further..." "This man is an inhuman beast." "Ah... and your explanation, Colonel Dugan?" "Hogan." "For the boom-boom and all of that?" "A legitimate escape attempt by men tortured beyond the limit of their endurance." "Ah, so... a strange coincidence that it should occur during my visit." "To be honest with you, it was a slip-up in our intelligence." "You were plotting against me." "And your-- how would you say it-- your, um... grandstand gesture in stopping the escape, from our side, of course, very commendable." "Thank you." "From your side, you would be a fink." "That's show business." "You see, Herr General, he admits that it was play-acting." "Colonel Klink." "Yes, Herr Inspector General?" "In Berlin, your record has been under review for some time." "There have been unfortunate occurrences, yes." "20 years in parade, longer than any colonel in the whole German Army." "Were I given my Luftwaffe pilots back, instead of having to deal with men like this!" "20 years with an efficiency rating one degree above miserable... until... you were put in charge of Camp 13." "Herr Inspector General, I take full responsibility for the shameful happenings here." "It is a stain upon my honor, and I realize the Inspector General has no other choice but to relieve me of my post." "Klink, do you realize what has been going on in other camps?" "What is going on?" "Wholesale escapes, breaks, tunneling like gophers." "Only in Camp 13 have there been no escapes." "You mean I'm to be retained?" "No." "No?" "No?" "You're making a big mistake, General." "Get off my side." "Colonel Klink, when I get back to Berlin, I shall recommend that you be transferred there, and be put in charge..." "of all prison camps." "You have finally found your niche." "You can't do that!" "Why not?" "Congratulations, Klink." "And, of course, you will bring along your personal staff." "KLINK:" "Of course, Herr General." "Thank you, Herr General." "I am most gratified, Herr General." "General?" "Ja, Colonel, um...?" "Fagin." "Ja, Colonel Hogan, might I say that it was your hostility and fear of Colonel Klink that convinced me he was our man." "Now, you wish to make a statement?" "I don't think so." "Sometimes, I just talk too much." "At ease." "All right, all right, so I blew it." "If I told you once, I told you a thousand times, don't overdo it." "Don't oversell, right?" "Then I went out and did it." "It's everybody's fault, Colonel." "We made him look too good." "Right." "Now we have to go the other way." "Make him look bad." "How hard can that be?" "Blow up his headquarters?" "No, no, think small." "Just enough to louse up the promotion." "Set fire to his headquarters." "Think small." "Inspection party on the way, Colonel" " Von Platzen and Klink." "All right, look, we don't have a chance to plan this thing." "LeBeau, get down to Tunnel Number Four." "Put Plan Alpha into action, right next to the ventilator in the barracks, right?" "Now, remember we're going to have to wing this thing, so keep it small." "Right?" "Right." "Achtung!" "Attention!" "Colonel Robert Hogan, senior officer of the prisoners of war reporting, sir." "Ja, ja." "We have met, I believe." "You may stand at ease, gentlemen." "So, Colonel Klink, shall we review your troops for the final time?" "For the final time, Herr General." "Jawohl." "Jawohl." "Oh, oh, excuse me, sir." "You've got a bit of a loose button there." "I notice these sort of things in my line of work." "It's tailoring, you know, sir." "Tailoring." "I'll fix it up for you right as rain." "Don't worry..." "Take your hands off me!" "Take your hands off him!" "There's no call to get huffy, governor." "Where's my monocle?" "It seems to be in my hand, Herr General." "Does your hand need a monocle?" "I believe I have an explanation for this, sir." "( turns on radio )" "No, I haven't." "MAN ( on radio ):" "This is the overseas service of the BBC with a..." "What is this?" "Herr General." "Schultz!" "Where is that radio?" "They didn't tell me." "Find it at once." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "KLINK:" "Hogan." "Hmm?" "Where does that voice come from?" "...the evaluation of yesterday's raid..." "From the accent, I'd say England." "( clattering )" "( radio continues playing )" "( turns radio off )" "So, a model camp, Klink." "Explosions for arriving guests, a funny kommandant." "And now prisoners tuned into the BBC?" "Maybe you could get them all weekend passes to London?" "Hey, as a matter of fact, General..." "Silence!" "General, I can assure you, I will find that radio, if Sergeant Schultz will have to take the barracks apart by tearing out each nail with his teeth." "VON PLATZEN:" "I hope so, Klink, for your sake." "Shall we go before they decide to steal my wallet?" "Nobody leaves the room." "I can assure you, Herr General..." "I am getting very shaky from your assurances, Klink." "Search everybody." "Search!" "Search the prisoners." "What are you doing?" "Herr Kommandant, sometimes they..." "KLINK:" "I assure you, Herr General, I..." "I assure you, Klink, pickpockets to be running our prison camps, we don't need." "Herr General, I..." "Uh, by the way, Kommandant," "I haven't had a chance to congratulate you on your promotion." "( grunts in frustration )" "They're headed in the right direction, Colonel." "Figure about ten feet more, huh?" "KLINK:" "But everything else is in perfect order, Herr General." "Everything else..." "What is it?" "A tunnel is what it is." "( chuckling )" "Get me out of here!" "Herr General, I do not understand." "Take your hand off my wallet!" "Boy, you're a shrewd one, General." "You discovered our tunnel." "So, you admit it." "I shall trace it back to whatever barracks it came from, and the guilty men will be put in the cooler for at least six months." "As a matter of fact, sir, it comes from your headquarters." "Just thought it was easier that way." "So..." "This camp, Klink, this camp is a black page in the glorious history of the Third Reich, which I shall report when I get back to Berlin." "I certainly hope this won't stand in the way of your promotion, sir." "How you must hate me." "You did what to his staff car?" "Oh, it'll still run, Colonel, if you push it." "What made you think of taking out the motor?" "Well, you told us to think big, Colonel." "Or was it small?" "We even went too far with the tunnel bit." "Now, what happens when Von Platzen gets in the car?" "We got the starter wired to this little gadget..." "I know that." "What happens to Klink?" "Yeah, you got a good point there." "All right, all right, this is what we've got to do." "Carter, got into a German uniform." "I need another German." "How about me?" "Don't be funny." "LeBeau." "Newkirk, fix him up with a uniform." "Kinch, get over to the motor pool." "Requisition another staff car." "Right." "Carter, what made you think of taking out the motor?" "I guess because it was there." "Perhaps the inspector general could spend another day, just to see how smooth things run here." "Another day here, and I would order you shot." "Perhaps I could write a letter to the inspector general." "I would first soak it in water, then bury it." "Herr General." "Is there nothing I can do?" "Pray." "Drive on." "( hissing, explosion )" "Klink, you are trying to kill me." "I could not be more fond of you if you were my brother." "Schultz, see what it is." "M-M-Me?" "Yes, you, now." "It is only a smoke bomb." "Good." "Any damage to the motor?" "What motor?" "I assure you, Herr General, I..." "Klink, do you consider yourself competent enough to undertake the task of arresting yourself?" "Jawohl." "Arrest myself?" "Only until I get back to Berlin." "Then I will have professionals arrest you." "But I assure..." "Do not assure me." "Order a staff car to take me back to Berlin." "Schultz, a staff car." "Jawohl." "Uh, I think I see one coming now." "Who asked you?" "No one, it's just that he may get luckier with the next staff car." "What do you mean?" "But I..." "Forget it." "I've changed my mind." "Have the car drive me to the railroad station." "Usually, things run very smooth here." "Drive on." "Well, looks like you're one of us now." "( grunts in frustration )" "The peculiar thing is, I don't even hate you." "I feel somehow beyond that." "You're big, sir." "Very big." "Were I in your position, I would've considered it my duty to get rid of a kommandant as hard, as coldly efficient as I am." "The only thing is, you did it." "Colonel Klink..." "But even now, my career gone, my life hanging by a thread," "I don't hate you." "Perhaps had we met at another time, another place, we might have even become friends." "But it is all over now." "Colonel Klink, you've read Napoleon, of course." "Naturally." "Napoleon?" "Of course." "Uh, what did he say?" "He said that the commander who almost daily commits his life and his career to the fates of battle will time and again find himself in situations where all seems lost." "Yes, yes." "But the commander who will alter the course of history will never lose faith in a mysterious something he thinks of as his star, his destiny." "He will think of a miracle, and his star will carry him through." "Yes." "Uh, but what miracle could possibly save me now?" "Think that the train will blow up." "The train will blow up?" "Only if you believe." "And you'd better do it quick." "I believe." "Once again." "I believe." "Oh, this is ridiculous." "( explosion )" "What was that?" "Sounded like a train blowing up." "A train blowing up." "My star." "Either you got it or you haven't." "You've got it." "( knocking on door )" "Oh, hi, Schultz." "Colonel Hogan." "Huh?" "Colonel Hogan," "Herr Kommandant demands that I find the radio even if I have to take apart the barracks, nail by nail, with my teeth." "It's all right with us, Schultz, Go ahead." "Oh, please, Colonel Hogan." "It would make things so much easier if you would find the radio for me." "Any radio." "All right." "Sounds reasonable enough." "Kinch, help him out, will you?" "KINCH:" "Sure, Colonel." "Come on." "There you are." "Take your choice." "Sheesh." "That will do." "Oh." "And Colonel Hogan..." "Yeah?" "...many thanks." "That'll be $26 American money, Schultz." "What?" "$26?" "It's only ten above cost." "You want us to make a profit." "Oh, you are profiteering by the war." "Look at it this way-- it's tax deductible." "That's different." "( sighs )" "Eins, zwei..." "ALL:" "Drei, vier, funf, sechs..." ""(End of Episode)""