"##[Fanfare]" "[MaleAnnouncer]A highlight from theAll-American WaterSki Tournament... at Cypress Gardens, Florida." "Miss Charlene Zint teams with Air Force Lieutenant Stu McDonald... in the mixed doubles event, and they really put on a show." "Yes, it's a patriotic, aquatic, ecstatic acrobatic." "The now familiar figure ofGeneral Nam 'il... struts to the Korean truce talk tent at Panmunejom... for still another secret meeting in the long-drawn armistice negotiations." "The U.N. ChiefDelegate General Harrison and his team are on hand." "" Marki ng the fi rst anniversay of truce tal ks."" "Can you believe this?" "365 days, and all they can agree on... is the shape of the conference table." "Actually, the toughest thing in any relationship is picking out the furniture." "They can't even set the agenda because they can't agree that the first item on the agenda... which they don't have, is to set the agenda." "Meanwhile, back at the war, more and more kids get to be teenagers forever." "I'd say there was no point in letting this driveyou crazy, but I can see I'm too late." "Those idiots are fiddling while Korea burns." " That doesn't botheryou, huh?" " Sure, it bothers me." " What can I do about it?" " Well, you could get enraged." "Or even a little peeved." "From you, I'd settle for irked." "Or at least one good "oh, pshaw."" "I save my "oh, pshaws" for things I can do something about." " Yeah, well, I'm going to do something about it." " Oh, yeah?" "good." "Actually, I was getting tired ofthis war." "[Jet Passing Overhead]" "[Jet Passing Overhead]" "[ Hawkeye Thinking ] Dear Hary." "I know as president, you're busy stopping bucks and all, so I'll be brief." "I am a doctor and Democrat, loyal Democrat now living in Korea." "Or as I call it, hell." "I'd like to be home before winter when hell freezes over." "Hawkeye Pierce." "Dr. H. Pierce?" " Yeah, what is it, Klinger?" " Our C.O.-ness requests your presence... for a big powwow with Colonel Ditka." " green tie is optional." " All right." "All right." "I'll be right over." "[ Continues ] I'm sureyou're aware that peace talks are a year old... and we're all a year older." "I've given it a lot ofthought, and call me a crackpot... but I think I've got a solution to this problem" "Stop the war." "Who's Colonel Ditka?" "Colonel Ditka's look-seein' us to make sure we get... all the medical, engineering and supply goodies we need to make this war more comfy." "Well, that's vey comforting to know the army's supporting us in our efforts here." "We at H.Q appreciate the vital work you're doing and wanna help." "Ifyou need anything, just say the word, and it's yours." "What incredible timing." "Justyesterday, I ran out ofAva gardner." "Okay, Colonel, the rainy season's up and coming." "When we're tying to get the wounded into pre-op... often we're slipping and sliding in the mud." "A wooden ramp would be a godsend." "An O.R. refrigerator that held more blood would be nice." "Smaller battles would be nicer." "Pierce, please." "I'll tell you what we really need." "A higher capacitywater heater." "Oh, yeah, that's right." "You know, like for hospital linens, hot packs." "Not to mention sterilization." "I'd have to agree, that's top priority." "A water heater's just what this doctor orders." "This is the way to do business, hmm?" "All right." "[ Clears Throat ] I've got something on my mind." "[ Clears Throat, Sniffles ]" "What areyou doing about beautification?" "Beautification?" "Yes." "You see, you don't notice it becauseyou're here evey day." "But to a visiting dignitay, this place looks terrible." "Now, High Command wants these MASH units spruced up a bit." "Colonel, we've got priorities here... and yanking crabgrass is way at the bottom ofthe list of chores." "Didn'tyou see our spread in BetterHomes and Hovels?" "The top brass wants us to leave this county better than we found it." "Well, how about ifwe meet you halfway and just leave the county?" "Colonel, you can't be serious." "A combative attitude just creates more problems." "You know, he's right." "Why don'tyou tell that to the guys up at the peace talks?" "Make all the jokes you want." "But ifyou expect to get that heater... you're gonna have to go on a neighborhood improvement program." "That's the way it is." "Well, I've gotta get to the 8228th." "Yeah, I hear that place is a real dump." "Think about my offer, Colonel." "Hmm?" "Boy, I've seen a lot oflooniness in this man's army." "Once had a C.O. who made us shine the soles of our boots." "But this- this takes the cake." "Oh, I don't know." "War may be ugly, but it shouldn't be an eyesore." "With all due respect to Pierce's sarcasm and your tantrums, sir... might I point out that Colonel Ditka has offered us... the opportunity to acquire the water heaterwe need." "Damn it, that brush lip is talkin' blackmail." "Well, ifbeautifying this camp is what it takes to save some more lives..." "I don't see thatwe have a choice." "What really chafes my chaps..." "is thatyou're right." "And seeing as you're so gung ho, you can top-kick our 4077th beatification program." "Count on me, sir." "But I'll need a lot ofsupport from eveybody." "Don't wory about me, Margaret." "For the next week, I won't even talk dirty." "I got just the right-hand man foryou." "Needs to work off that secretarial spread." "Klinger." "That must be me, sir." "Major Houlihan's starting up a beautification detail." "I'm appointing you foreman." "Thinkyou can handle it?" "Sure." "We Klingers are born semi-executives." " I'll be mean, but fair." " That's a good lad." "Would it be too presumptuous to askwhy we're attempting to beautify this sewer?" "Simple." "We need a water heater." "Of course, sir." "What a foolish question." "[Hawkeye Thinking] Harry, you wanna know what Korea looks like today?" "Picture Swiss cheese with cities." "Believe me, putting slip covers on the land mines won't help." "Tell you what." "You end this fiasco now... and I pledge to purchase all your daughter Margaret's inimitable recordings." "Don't bother to deliver them." "I'd love to pick them up on myway home." "Sincerely, Hawkeye Pierce, MD.- Medical Democrat." "[TurkishAccent] Doctor." "[ Sighs ] You okay?" "Doctor, you do good job to take out bullet." "Soon I go to fight again?" "Not until I can shake this foot and it doesn't sound like a maraca." " What's the hury?" " I have my duty." "A Turk must kill many mens." "Oh, well, I knew there had to be a good reason." " How's yours?" " Sick." "Another kid with a belly full of crankcase oil." "Uh-huh." "It's getting to be the most popular drink in Korea." "One a day keeps the combat duty away." "Oh, this kid's seen plenty of combat." "A couple months ago, his unit took a hill, suffered 30% casualties." "He got a medal." "Couple days later, they lost the hill... suffered 40% casualties- another medal." "And tomorrow they're gonna ty and retake that hill." "So he decided he didn't want to play Korean roulette anymore, huh?" "Trouble is, he loses eitherway." "Now he thinks he's a coward." "[ Thinking ] P.S. Mr. T., I'd like to tell you about a hero with a small problem." "He's damned ifhe doesn't, dead ifhe does." "[ Blows Whistle] Okay, put that dirt over here." "get those rocks out over there." "Come on." "Lift that shovel." "Tote that hoe." "Talk about dumb." "Spiffin' up a war." "I quit." " [ All grumbling ]" " Hey, get back to work." " Who called a mutiny break?" " We're through." "What areyou gonna do about it, skyscraper nose?" "What am I gonna do?" "I'll tell you what I'm gonna do." "Major, theywon't work." "Oh?" "Is that so?" "And next time I won't be so easy on ya." "Klinger, where's the shrubbey I told you to get?" "Oh, I shopped that out to a vendor who's beating the bushes for bushes." "Well, speak ofthe bush beater." "Hey, Kim Han, that was quick." "Piece of cake." "No trouble to shake a leg." " Who's the tomato?" " Oh, tomato." "This tomato is the big cheese." "Major Houlihan, Kim Han." "Kim Han, it's vey nice to meetyou." " Ditto, dollface." " [ Chuckles ]" "Tell me, where did you learn how to speak such interesting English?" "U.S. magazines and papers." "I see all the movies." "America number one!" " [ Margaret Chuckles ]" " Lana Turner, hubba hubba." "This kid is a whiz on the States." "Yesterdaywe played name the capitals." "He skunked me, and I knew four." "You know, someday that's gonna make a wonderful shade tree." "IfI'm still here then, I'll hang myselffrom it." "Okay, fork over the moola." "Hereya go, kid." "One dollar, as promised." "You need any more help,justwhistle." "Doyou know how to do that?" "Sure." "You just putyour lips together and blow." "I like movies too." "[ Laughs ]" "Listen, Klinger, I thinkwe've got enough work for Kim Han to say on the payroll." " Next time I'll pay." " Thanks, toots." "You just take care ofthe plants." "Let's go, kid." "Time is moola." " Thereyou are, Colonel." " Oh, I already knew that, Padre... but thanks for telling me anyway." "This is not the time forwhimsy." "I received this memo today from my superior at H.Q" " I didn't know they had Father Superiors." " He is superior in name only." "Some green-behind-the-ears novice with a bug up his cassock." " And you know what he wants to know?" " No." "He wants to know what I'm doing about this company's spiraling VD. rate." "[ Chuckles ] Sory." "Well, that's a barrel ofbushwa, Padre." "They can't make a priest responsible for the VD. problem." "Unless they believe in the theoy ofimmaculate infection." "Well, I handle spiritual matters around here pretty darn well." "But I shouldn't have to solve the medical problems." "And I sayVD. is the province ofan MD." "Wouldn'tyou, Colonel?" "I would, Padre." "And I'm gonna helpyou "unsnafu" this." "All I gotta do is figure out how." "These men have got to learn not to practice license without a medicine." "Oh, shutyour trap." " Relax, Father." "We'll handle it." " We, without me." "It is patently absurd for officers to waste valuable time... monitoring the behavior of allegedly adult men." "Charles thinks this is just a lot of claptrap." "[ Chuckles ] Indeed, I do." "Major, venereal disease is just that, a disease." "You're a doctor." "Why does dealing with it putyour snout in the sky?" "I am a doctor." "I'm deeply concerned with human suffering." "On the other hand, if one chooses to socialize with sordid working women... one tends to get what one deserves." "You know something, Winchester?" "You're right." "People should get exactlywhat they deserve." "Next." "Oh, and your name, young lady?" " Sun Ki." " Oh, how lyrical." " Hiya,Joe." " [ Women giggling ]" "Young lady, does your mother know whatyou do for a living?" "This is my mother." "Piquant." "Chippie offthe old block." "Would you please step behind the screen and removeyour garment?" " Okay." "Five dollars, please." " [ Women giggling ]" "Thereyou are, young lady." "You come see us again... ifyou have another, uh, job-related injuy." " Yes." " Colonel... speaking of job-related injuries..." "I seem to detect the beginning ofinjector's cramp." "Prudence would dictate that I take a rest now." "Prudence might, but I don't." "You got a ladywaiting." "Sir, this entire effort is an exercise in futility." "The presence ofthese women in the camp simply affords them... more opportunity for contact with the soldiers." "Major, the same idea occurred to me from the get-go... so I have taken the precaution of posting a chaperone..." " to prevent any fraternizing." " [ Women giggling ]" "[Jet Passes In Distance ]" "Hi, honey." "Didn't you go to Union High School in Dubuque?" "Excuse me, fella." "This is a no parking zone." "Sory." "Doyou know how many R's there are in "surreal"?" "[Man ] Disclosing anotherfacet oftheirunmitigated gall... the Communists at Panmunejom have built a new building... for the Korean truce talk delegations." "The very fact ofthe building suggests the Reds regard the talks as things here to stay." "Major, I ' m proud to announce the com pletion of Operation Pointless." "[ Margaret ] I don't know." "What do you think, Captain?" "It's got eveything- trees, bushes, green ground?" "Pretty good, huh?" "I painted that." "It'll be fine as long as nobody paints anyweeds." "It's absurd and tasteless, which means the armywill love it." " And we'll all be in hotwater." " [Margaret Chuckles ]" "Okay, Klinger." "You can dismiss the workers." "Yes, Major." "[ Blows Whistle ]" "Men, the job is over." "You've really worked hard, and I appreciate that." "I hereby take back any previous threats..." "to screw up your leaves." "[ Blows Whistle ] Dismissed." "[ groaning ]" " [Klinger] Thankyou, men." " I don't know, Klinger." "It still seems so empty." "There's still something missing." "It's this bench." "There's no wino." "Tonight I'll go to the Officers Club and rentyou one." "No, no, no, we need oomph, pizzazz." "It's gotta look more parkish." "Like maybe a statue." "Or maybe even better, a fountain." "Where are you gonna get a fountain in a medical unit?" "That's right." "We're a medical unit!" "Klinger, you're brilliant!" "What's up, Doc?" "Can I talk toyou?" " Sure." "Kim Han, right?" " Yeah." "I hear people say you're a top-notch doctor." "Obviously some pretty smart people." "You got a problem?" "I want an operation." "I have plenty ofloot to pay." " What kind of an operation?" " I wanna have eyes like Americans?" "Come on." "You're kiddin', right?" "I'm vey serious." "What's wrong with having eyes like a Korean?" "Koreans are little squirts." "Americans are real tough." "I wanna be like them." "Likeyou." "LikeJohn Wayne." " Look, Kim Han" " Please, Doc, I think about this for a long time." "Then you know that having an eye operation isn't going to change whoyou are." " It will change how I look." " To whom?" "To Korean women." "They thinkAmerican guys are real dreamboats." " Uh-huh." " Please, Doc, will you help me?" "Sory, pal." "Come on, Doc." "gimme a break." "I am." "Believe me, I am." "Have it yourway." "I'll go to the 8063rd MASH." "Someone there will fix me up." "Hey, you know what I heard?" "Tomorrow we're getting fresh milk." "I would have been thrilled with fresh powder." " We gotta get a punching bag for the Swamp." " What?" "[ Thinking ] And this kid is just one of thousands who think the road to happiness..." "leads straight to America." "Ifwe stay here much longer, we'll have all of Korea disoriented." "Of course, Koreans aren't the only ones unhappywith their eyes." "Am I ever gonna see again?" "Tell me the truth, sir." "I'm a marine." "I can take it." "We can't tell yet, son." "Maybe." "Maybe." "[ Shudders ]" "[ Sobbing ]" " I'm not cying." " I knowyou're not." "Poor kid." "What happened to him?" "He got blind drunk on a fifth ofbooze... only he didn't know it was methyl alcohol." "That homemade hooch will kill ya." "He should have stuckwith an American brand." "He thought he did, but the local moonshiners have come upwith a new trick." "They drill a hole in the bottom ofthe bottle and drain out the good stuff..." " and reseal it with wax." " Boy, that stinks." "[ Glass Breaks ]" "How'd you like some company?" "Oh, Major, sure." "Park it." "That's quite a king-size meal you've got there." "I love American eats." "Spaghetti is tops." "Besides, I'm getting ready to hit the road." "Well, you sure were a big help to us, Kim Han." " You're a fineyoung man." " Thankyou." "I sure can use the dough you paid me." "Uh-huh." "I betyou're gonna buyyourself some sharp new clothes... to look good for the girls, huh?" "No." "Oh, you don't have to be modest with me." "How could they keep their hands off a dreamboat likeyou?" "I'm not good looking." "Not like the American g.I.s." "Areyou kidding?" "[ Laughs ]" "You should have seen some ofthose guys when theywereyour age." " Why?" " Because." "Theywere clumsyyoung boys... and vey shywith girls." "And, well, compared to them... you're Tyrone Power." " I am?" " Sure." "And things just get better." "Boys become men." "I'd like to seeyou in a couple ofyears, tiger." "Hey, kid, the truck's ready to leave for the 8063rd." "Oh, no, maybe I'll catch the next one." "Well, good luck toyou, Kim Han." "You didnot eatyour dinner." "Oh, no, I have this diet." "I look at our food, and I lose my appetite." "Doctors, this is Captain Broz ofthe Turkish Army." " He's here to see you." " How do you do, Captain?" "I'm Dr. Winchester." "[ Chuckles ] This is Dr. Pierce." "You have Turk soldier here, no?" "I wish to see." "Yeah, he's right there." "Second bed." "He just has a wounded foot." " I know." " Friendly guy." "Yes." "The sort ofthing Clyde Beatty brings back alive, huh?" " Kellye, when do you get off duty?" " In just a few minutes, Doctor." " What do you have in mind?" " A fast game of post office." "This is finally signed and sealed... and I'd like it delivered to the outgoing mail department." " Would you do the honors?" " Itwould be an honor." " The HaryS." "Truman?" " [MenArguing In Turkish ]" "Hey, hey, hey, keep it down." "There are people tying to sleep..." " in India." " What is the meaning ofthis tumult?" "He is stinking rotten dog droppings." "OscarWilde couldn't have said it better." "Doctor, tell him I do not shoot myself to get out of duty." " Shootyourself?" "No, no, no." " I know the truth!" "[ Yelling In Turkish ]" "A gun!" "Watch it, fella!" " He is a coward!" "I must kill him!" " Eveybody down!" "Couldn't you just slap the kid?" "That was good enough for Patton." " Charles, where are you?" " [Winchester] I'm not telling anybody!" "grab the gun or bite the bullet." " [ Yelling ] gun!" " No!" "Watch it!" "Watch it!" " get him up!" "get him up!" " Up you go!" "Up you go!" " Up we go." "There's a good maniac." " I will kill you both!" "gimme a break, will ya, fella?" "Dying on duty is a court-martial offense." "He is jackal!" "Worthless!" "To shoot him is to shoot nothing." "You jerk, he didn't shoot himself." "We can tell by the angle ofthe wound." "Liars!" "Friend ofa snake!" " [Hawkeye ] Charles, watch it!" " [ Gunshot]" "[Broz Whimpering]" "Now that's what a self-inflicted wound looks like." "And I want you to know my people busted their keisters... to get this beautification business done." "Worked harder than a woodpecker in a petrified forest." "What do you think, sir?" " I like it." " How's that?" " Did he say he liked it?" " I couldn't hear." "Does he like it?" "I'd like him to like it." " Yes, sir, I do like it." " You hear that, Klinger!" "[ All Cheering ]" "Yes, sir, you've done yourselfproud." "This thing is ingenious as all get-out." "Well, the bon mots go to Major Houlihan." "She's the onewho gave our beauty spot its pizzazz." "[Ditka ] Maejor, this is an exceptionalproeject." "[Margaret ] Yeah, well, thankyou, sir." "But I couldn't have done it without my foreman and my crew." " Thanks, boss." "Men." " You can al I pat yourselves on the back." "Because this is what America is all about." "Bedpans." "Colonel, does this mean ourwater heater is on its way?" " You can bank on it." " Hooray!" "You people need the best equipment possible... so that we can soundly defeat our enemy." "[B.J.] Whoeverhe maybe." "[Hawkeye Thinking] I know it doesn't make much sense, Harry... but that's how we got our water heater." "I know you're thinking it's pretty stupid, but no more so than peace talks... that are all talk and no peace." "I know there's a lot ofheat in your kitchen, Hary... but there's a bunch oftired people here who don't even know why they're here." "We just miss our families and friends." "All ofus onlywant one thing- to come home." "Help." "[Man On P.A. ] Attention, allpersonnel, quityour dreaming." " It's time for the nightmare." " Over here!" "Over here!" "No, no, not there!" "[ Tires Skid, Crash ]" "Oh." "Kl i nger, has the mail gone out yet?"