"[SINGING]" "Comet, do I got it, or do I got it?" "No, you got it." "Uncle Jesse, I got a owie." "Oh, you got an owie?" "Where does it hurt, shorty?" "Right here." "I need a Big Bird." "You need a Big Bird?" "All right, here we go." "Big Bird bandage to the rescue." " All right, where does it hurt again?" " Right here." "Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't that owie just jump arms?" "Owies are very tricky." "[PHONE RINGING]" "Here." "Sit right here." "Gotta get the phone." "Talk to me." "Yeah, hang on." "Joey!" "JOEY:" "I'm busy!" "It's your agent!" "Three, two, one." "Eddie." "Yeah, what's up?" "Uh-huh." "You're kidding!" "Hold on." "Jess, great news." "The Aronson Chimps are infested with lice." "But wait, there's more, see." "There's a big charity benefit in Las Vegas and thanks to the lice I'm taking the chimps' place." "Just don't use their comb." "Right." "Eddie?" "Yeah, I'll be on the next plane." "Really?" "Oh, thanks!" "Yes!" "Oh, this is the happiest day of my life." "You guys wanna be alone?" "No." "You came at a great time." "Danny, tomorrow night, I'm playing Vegas!" "Joey, that's great!" "Way to go, dude." "What's Vegas?" "Joey, playing Vegas." "That's always been your dream." "Not counting the one about the Charlie's Angels reunion." "Not only am I making my Las Vegas debut but I'm opening for Wayne Newton!" " Oh, yeah!" " I gotta go pack." "I'll go with you." "Tell me more about Wayne." " Hey, you know, Wayne knew Elvis." "JOEY:" "Really?" "Hey, what's happening, Michelle?" "Joey's opening a Fig Newton in Vegas!" " What did you say?" " And the monkeys have lice." "Michelle, I think you're a little mixed-up." "No, I'm very mixed-up." "Joey, allow me the pleasure of folding these for you, okay?" "Hey, Joey, are you going to Las Vegas?" "Yup, I'm flying in for a rehearsal tonight." "Some monkeys got lice, and I'm opening for Wayne Newton." "Is that what I said?" "Hey, Dad, can we go see Joey in Las Vegas?" "Please, please, please." "I never wanted anything more in my short little life." " Please." " Steph, way too overdramatic." "You're right." "So we going or what?" "Let's see, we've seen the towering redwoods and the majestic Grand Canyon." "We might as well see..." " ...the world's largest slot machine, huh?" " Thank you." "Joe, this is the big time, man." "You better call your mom." "I'm sure my mom would love to come and see me, but she can't." "She's Goofy." "Joey, that's a terrible thing to say about your mother." "No." "No, I mean, she's really Goofy at Disney World." "No, she wears the big hat and the floppy shoes." "Kids love her." "Okay, so your mom's in a dog suit." "Why don't you invite your dad?" "Or is he Ronald McDonald?" "You know, it would be so great if my dad could come." "You know, the colonel's never seen my standup act." "Uh, he probably couldn't make it." "Did I pack my lucky tube socks?" "[WHISPERING] I've got a great idea." " I love it when you talk sneaky." "Come on, Joey, invite your dad." "I've known you four years, I still haven't met the guy." "The truth is, ever since my folks split up, we just don't get along, okay?" "So let's just drop it." "Come on, guys, this is a big shot for me." "I gotta focus on my comedy." "Hey, speaking of that, maybe this can help." "I just heard a brand-new joke." "It's a great one, okay?" "An Eskimo, a Viking, and a Scotsman walk into a bar." "Wait a minute, maybe it was a tanning salon." "It doesn't matter." "Anyway, there's this fourth guy" " Or was it a leprechaun?" "I don't know." "I think he was green." "I'm not sure." "But anyway, you gotta picture him." "He's balding on top." "He's not home." "It's his answering machine." "Hello, Colonel Gladstone this is Joey Gladstone's personal secretary, uh...." "Janet Abdul." "Joey asked me to invite you to Las Vegas tomorrow night where he will be appearing with Wayne Newton." "He really, really, really wants you to be there." "Stephanie." "If I'm his personal secretary, who the heck are you?" "Hello, this is his other personal secretary Barbie doll and bear." "Barbie Dollanbear." "Thank you, Barbie." "Hope to see you there, Colonel Gladstone." "Next time, let me do the talking, Miss Dollanbear." "Lighten up, Miss Abdul." "Yes!" " You guys, huh?" "STEPH:" "Joey!" "Joey, let's take your picture." "DANNY:" "Okay, let's get a shot of everybody." "Okay, look here." "Look at all these people lined up to see Joey." "I think Wayne Newton may have a tiny bit to do with it." "JESSE:" "You gotta check this out." "Save our place, please." "Thank you for cooperation." "Nice ring." "This is it." "This is the shrine to Elvis." "All right." "This is his jumpsuit." "Guitar." "The whole statue." "This is great." "I remember the first time I saw Elvis." "Steph, I was your age." "I'm sitting in the audience, I feel the energy and the excitement." "Then the music started, all right?" "[HUMMING]" "Right." "The drums." "The band kicked in." "He did the kneel thing, killed me." "Backwards walk." "Always backwards, like this, see?" "Is he gonna sing an Elvis song in front of all these people?" "I see his lip starting to curl." "Then he got up." "A spotlight hit him." "[SINGING ELVIS PRESLEY'S "HEARTBREAK HOTEL"]" "Got the legs going." "[CONTINUING SINGING]" "Everybody, sing along!" "[ALL SINGING]" "DANNY [IMITATING ELVIS]:" "Thank you very much, Jesse." "Did you guys hear that?" "Of course, I heard it, boy." "I just said it." ""Don't Be Cruel."" "I'll be right there." "I'm coming, I'm coming." "It's a big room." " Joey Gladstone fan club." " Hey, come on in, you guys." "[ALL CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]" "DANNY:" "Wow, very impressive." "Big wet bar, classy Vegas furniture." "Nice big bowl of bananas?" "Those were for the chimps." "Ha." " How's the crowd out there?" " The place is packed." "They were all chanting:" ""We want Wayne!" "We want Wayne!"" ""Right after Joey!" "Right after Joey!"" "It's almost showtime and I'm sweating like an aardvark in a sauna." "I'm gonna go blow-dry my shirt." "I'll be right back." "D.J., should we save an extra seat at the table for Joey's dad?" "Joey's dad?" "It was supposed to be a surprise." "We left a message for Joey's dad inviting him to the show." "Girls, you shouldn't have called Colonel Gladstone without my permission." "Joey and his dad are like oil and vinegar." "No, that would be salad dressing." "They're more like oil and mayonnaise." "Actually, there is oil in mayonnaise." " They're more" " Let me save us an hour." "Joey and his dad don't get along." "I'm cool, I'm dry and my chest hair has never been fluffier." "[KNOCKING ON DOOR]" "I got it." "This is my favorite part, you guys." "This is where the stage manager says:" ""Two minutes till showtime, Mr. Gladstone."" "Hello, Joseph." "Dad." "Dad, what are you doing here?" "I got a message you really, really, really wanted me here." " You did?" " I thought it was rather cute having your personal secretaries call." "There was a Miss Janet Abdul." "Oh, outside of the office they call me D.J." "And there was Barbie Dollanbear." "Joseph, I'm getting the feeling you had no idea I was coming." " Well, Dad...." " It was my idea." "I'm sorry." "It was supposed to be a fun surprise." "Well, you "fun surprised" me." "Dad, you remember Danny, don't you?" "Right, the skinny kid with the clean shoes." "You were my inspiration, sir." "Spit and polish." "Although, here's a helpful hint." "With a little more polish, you can avoid using all that icky spit." "Thanks, Danny." "Uh...." "This is my friend and business partner, Jesse Katsopolis." "Nice to meet you, son." "Put on a tie." "Nice to meet you, sir." "No." "Well, girls, why don't we let Joey and his dad get reacquainted?" "Let's get to our table before we miss Joey's show." "But Joey's right here." "Good point." "I'll think of a better excuse on the way." "Dad, this is so great." "I can't believe you're here." "I can't believe I'm here either." "Especially since you didn't invite me." "You can't blame me for thinking you wouldn't come." "I've been doing standup for 11 years, and you've never seen me work." "You call telling jokes work?" "Joseph, you were a smart young man." "You could've gone to West Point, done something important." "What's important to me is what I'm doing right now, Dad." "I'm making people laugh." "I'm running my own production company." "I'm helping Danny raise his three kids." "And let me tell you something." "I will never miss one of their dance recitals." "And I will never miss one of their soccer games." "But that kind of stuff never mattered to you." "Are you finished?" "No." "Dad, you missed my winning goal at the junior hockey tournament." "You never saw me play the elf in my third grade Christmas play." "It's too bad because I made one heck of an elf." "I was the DeNiro of elves, Dad." "Are you finished now?" "Yeah." "And I gotta admit, it felt good to get that off my chest." "I'm glad your little outburst made you feel better." "Goodbye, Joseph." "ANNOUNCER [OVER SPEAKERS]:" "Ladies and gentlemen, Joey Gladstone." "[AUDIENCE CHEERING]" "[IMITATING POPEYE] Whoa!" "Well, blow me down." "[IMITATES POPEYE CHUCKLING]" "Thank you, thank you." "Oh, come on, now." "[AUDIENCE CHEERING]" "Oh, come on, now." "Cut it out." "Quit it." "Come on." "No, quit it." "Come on, now." "Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen." "This is my first time playing Las Vegas." "Boy, what a town." "In the same night you can get married, divorced lose your entire life's savings and still go home happy because, hey, you had that 19-cent shrimp cocktail." "You know, it's...." "[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND CHEERING]" "Thank you." "Oh, come on." "Cut it out." "Quit it." "So let's see, why am I here?" "Oh, comedy." "Sorry, I kind of lost my train of thought." "I just had a long talk with my dad backstage." "I don't get a chance to see my dad too much these days." "He was a military man." "It's kind of strange growing up when your father is a person in the military." "I remember when I was 6 months old, he sent me to bootie camp." "That was kind of fun." "Yeah, I learned to crawl under barbed wire." "Yeah, that was kind of weird." "I had that little camouflage diaper." "That was kind of cute." "[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]" "Yeah, I remember he took us on our first family vacation." "It was a cross-country trip, and it was a tough march with that 40-pound pack, you know what I mean?" "I remember everybody in our family had to get brush cuts." "Even Grandma." "Yeah, it was...." "Boy, poor Grams." "She hated playing bingo with that half inch of blue hair." "You know, it was, yeah...." "[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]" "JOEY:" "Oh, come on, now." "Cut it out." "Quit it." "So I'm a single guy, which is great, but" "[WOMEN CHEERING]" "Thank you." "Oh, come on." "Which is great, but the problem is you have to deal with other single guys especially cool guys." "You know the guys I'm talking about?" "Guys who actually wobble their head because they think it looks cool." "You know these guys." "If you're in a bar or any kind of party any kind of mixed social environment these are the guys walking around like this:" "Whenever they recognize somebody, they do that phony gun-point thing." "It's like:" "Hey." "How's it going?" "What's that?" "I'm slime?" "[CHUCKLING]" "[AUDIENCE CHEERING]" "I don't...." "I don't think you realize I'm wobbling my head right now." "Yeah, some guys, they think they're cool." "They just don't have that head coordination down." "They're going up to women like, "Hey, how's it going?"" "I was in a bar once." "This guy's head flew right off." "I went, "That is the coolest guy I've ever seen in my life."" "Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen." "[AUDIENCE CHEERING WILDLY]" "Thank you." "Thank you very much, Las Vegas!" "Remember, if you see me walking through the casino, I take tips!" "Good night!" "Thank you!" "Thank you!" "JOEY:" "Whoa." "I did a little better than I thought." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Whoa!" "Wayne Newton!" "Joey Gladstone!" "Isn't he fantastic?" "Everybody!" "I also want to thank you for filling in on such short notice." "And I must admit that you're a lot funnier than the Aronson Chimps." "And you left the stage a lot cleaner too." "I do apologize for all the bananas in your dressing room." "So with that in mind, let me say:" "[SINGING] Danke Schoen Joey, Danke Schoen" "[AUDIENCE CHEERING]" "Help me out." "Help me out." " Thank you for all the joy and pain" " Thank you for all the joy and pain" "Danke Schoen To my new pal, Wayne" "Hey, I'm insane Wayne, you're to blame" "Danke Schoen Hey, Danke Schoen" "Ease up." "Ease up." "Ease up." "Ease up." "Ease up, there." "Ease up." "Oh, sorry." "Sorry." "Sorry, Mr. Newton, sir." "I guess I got a little carried away there." " Don't you worry about it." " Let's take it from the top." "Danke Schoen Hey" "Let's say good night, and a big round of applause." " Thank you." " Joey Gladstone!" "Thank you." "Thank you, Mr. Newton." "Good night." "I love you, Las Vegas!" "Thank you!" "An apple juice toast to my main man and yours:" "The very lovely and talented Joey Gladstone!" "We've gotta get her out of Vegas." " To Joey!" "ALL:" "Joey!" "All right." "What a night." "I finally played Vegas, I was a big hit and I actually sang on stage with Wayne Newton." "It was quite a night." "Dad, you're still here?" "May I have a word with my son?" "You know, we should celebrate." "After all, this is Las Vegas, the most exciting city in the world." "There's gotta be a miniature golf course open somewhere." "I gotta work on that windmill shot of mine." "You know, a little...." " Dad, you saw my show?" " Yes, I did." "You heard all those jokes I made about you?" "Some of them were actually funny." " You laughed?" " I will, later." "Right now, we need to talk." "I thought about what you said earlier." "Even though your mother and I were divorced I should have been around more while you were growing up." "Joseph, it wasn't easy being stationed in some godforsaken place and getting my monthly reports that you were goofing off and demonstrating a complete lack of discipline." "When I came home, I felt you needed structure and authority not a pal." "I could have used a pal." "Me too." "I think we could have been great buddies." "After all, you do have my sense of humor." "No disrespect intended, Dad, but you aren't exactly Mr. Funny Pants." "Well, that's not true." "Don't you remember when you were 3 and had chicken pox?" "We watched cartoons together for two weeks." "You watched cartoons?" "Who do you think taught you how to do Popeye?" "[IMITATES POPEYE CHUCKLING]" "[IMITATING POPEYE] Well, blow me down." "I'm really glad you came tonight, Dad." "Me too, son." "I was proud of you." "Thanks, Dad." "You know, I...." "I wish we could've had this night a long time ago." "Well...." "Maybe we can make a fresh start now." "I love you, Dad." "I love you too, son." "Come here." "You know, Dad, that Popeye laugh that you did?" "It really" " It wasn't good." "I mean, it's close." "You just need a little work." "[IMITATES POPEYE CHUCKLING]" "You know, in the Adam's apple there." "[IMITATES POPEYE CHUCKLING]" "Yeah, that was-- Yeah, then you just throw in a "whoa."" " Whoa!" " Whoa!" "[IMITATES POPEYE CHUCKLING]" "Yeah, there you go."