"CAMDENITES" "Ever since I started doing the list, it'd just been me and Randy, but now my new wife Billie made three." "Mmm, watch this." "There's this part coming up that's really funny." "And I was starting to understand the expression "Three's a crowd."" "He's gonna think that it's his wife licking his leg, but it's really gonna be the dog." "Watch, watch." "Yep, there it is, just like you said." "Thanks for telling me, so I could be ready for it." "And the way we watched TV wasn't the only change." "I used to drive my own car, but Billie thought I drove like a girl, so she insisted on doing it herself." "You better take five steps backwards right now, bitch." "Unfortunately, she had a problem with road rage." "Just forget it, it's gone." "Go!" "And I used to have my own money, but I spent it throwing an arsonist a prison prom." "And while it was an enchanted evening, it left me broken, and I was now living off Billie." " How many tissues you got there?" " Two." "How many times you gonna blow your nose?" "One." "You might want to check your math, Mr. Rockefeller." "And because Billie's money also paid for the room, she got to decide the sleeping arrangements." "Of course he can stay with us, Earl." "He's family." "He's just gonna have to be an outside brother." "My favorite part of the day was when Billie took a shower, until she started singing." "I don't get it, Randy." "I just don't get it." "Why would Karma want me to be with a woman who's driving me crazy?" "You should just cut her head off like that King of England dude, or the guy who used to live downstairs." "It's not that easy." "Billie's supposed to be my reward." "Karma brought her into my life to show me that I was doing things right." " You don't return a gift like that." " You do if she makes you sleep outside." "I got sprayed by a cat last night." "Which is a lie, it wasn't a cat." "It was a grown man." "I was too embarrassed to say that." "I know Billie's a handful, but I'm sure Karma has its reasons." "Not to mention, before Billie hit me with her car, her life was a mess." "I can't let her go back to that." "I'm gonna go sleep on the balcony." "I kind of made friends with that Filipino grandmother from room 206." "They won't let her sleep inside either." "I couldn't help but think about how different my reality was, compared to my fantasy." "When I was in a coma, my relationship with Billie was perfect." "She made me cakes, she brought me lemonade, and when she kissed me, even her leg got excited." "I wondered why Karma brought me out of my coma only to make me more miserable, and I wondered, was it just gonna get worse for the rest of my life?" "There's nothing like a crap and a shower to make you feel better." "I think I'm just gonna go for a walk." "I married Billie 'cause I trusted Karma." "Karma had never let me down before, but every day that went by made me lose a little more faith." "I did 25 minutes at level six." "If you can't beat me, you're a wuss." "Come on, faster." "If we want to grow old together, we need to be healthy." "Yep, this marriage was definitely a mystery." "I needed some advice, so I went to see the smartest person I knew." "There was a reason Joy and Darnell's trailer was on its side a while back, me and some friends broke in to have a party." "Normally, when you have beer and strippers in a trailer, youtipthestrippers." "We went another way and tipped the trailer." "I really am sorry about this whole trailer thing." "Ah, don't sweat it, Earl." "I kind of like it." "Besides, with the grass growing out of the floor," "Mr. Turtle has his own little park." "Never seen him wag his little tail before." "Yeah, I'm happy for him." "Listen, I need to ask you a marriage question." "How do you handle being married to someone who's difficult?" "Try this." "I just write down everything Joy does that bothers me." "Most psychologists will tell you to express your thoughts and feelings without fear of confrontation." "These are individuals I call "people who have not met Joy."" "Earl, you gotta flip this trailer right-side-up." "I got so many bruises from climbing through this door," "I look like a woman in a Lifetime movie." "I'm gonna do it, Joy." "I just need to figure out how to get some money from Billie to rent a crane." "One way would be to grow some nads." "Speaking of being nadless..." "Darnell, are you showing Earl your poetry books?" "Yeah, we were having a poetry slam." "Let me read one." ""Today, she hit a new low." ""Got mad cooking dinner and threw the chicken on the lawn." ""Once again, I see why everyone in our trailer park" ""despises her and wishes we would move."" "That's a terrible poem, Darnell." "It don't even rhyme." "Remember that time I threw a chicken on the lawn." "You should write a poem about that, but make it rhyme." " Did you pee a little?" " Yep." "Me, too." "While I was getting advice about my wife," "Randy was being tortured by her." "Can I have a Klondike Bar, please?" "That depends..." "What would you do for a Klondike Bar?" "Nah, seen it." "Unfortunately for Randy, the motel was next to a costume shop." "Would you like to buy some delicious cookies?" "Two slim mint and three peanut butter sandwich." "Now?" "Almost." "And, unfortunately for Randy, the motel was also next to a street." "You loser!" "Enjoy." "I rescued Randy and continued my quest for relationship advice by going to the happiest couple I knew." "The most important thing is to take your time with foreplay." ""All work and no foreplay makes Jack a dull boy."" "I got that from a Will  Grace rerun." "You start by lightly trailing your fingers down your lover's chest." "Let him know that you want him." "Let the love flow." "Call him "lover."" "Call your lover "lover" as often as possible." "Whisper it." "Lover." "Lover." "Lover." "Lover." "They have just as much right to kiss in public as anyone else." "Which one's the girl?" "I don't know how this stuff works, Randy, I..." "Oh, looks like it's Kenny." "My gay pals sure seemed happy, so I decided to take their advice." "I love foreplaying with you, lover." "You're such a good lover." "Not on the menu." "I figured from the way you were talking, you might be into a little bit of..." "Nope, you are mistaken." "That was just the poke I need to continue the search for a way to make my marriage work." "So I decided to talk to the person who had made a marriage work the longest." "Earl, I'm just..." "I am just so excited that you'd come to me for marriage advice." "Okay, first off, do you call each other "lover"?" "Yeah, once." "Not my cup of tea." "And you know about the foreplay and finding the G-spot?" "Is Dad here?" "'Cause I may be better off talking to him." "Dad's working late at the shop again." "And when you figure that this is the last night we have to decide on the fabric for the new drapes..." "Actually, maybe you could give me some advice." "I don't really know anything about fabrics." "Just tell me which one you like." "The middle one." "Why would you pick that one?" "I don't know, it looks nice." " Nicer than the first one?" " Okay, I like the first one." "Oh, see..." "see, now you're just saying that." "This is gonna be the last time that we redecorate this house, Earl." "These are going to be the drapes that I die looking at." "You don't care enough about me to give me your honest opinion?" "No..." "Dad was lucky he wasn't home for this, but then I started to realize Dad was lucky like this a lot." "Like how he missed all of Mom's wednesday night dinner adventures." "Well, we're not waiting for your father any longer." "Tonight's voyage..." "Asia." "And not the American version either, real Asian food... crickets." "Pure protein." "Our annual family portrait." "There's an emergency at the framing shop." "Apparently, all the 5x7 frames came in 7x5." "Your father's going to be there all night." "We're gonna take the white picture without him." " Can my gerbil be in the picture?" " Is he white?" "Or every year when my mom wanted us to go caroling." "I'm sorry, boys." "Your father has to work late again." "Five nights in a row." "We're just going to have to do it without him." "Or we could just blow it off and watch TV." "Oh, silly." "Come on, big smiles, and get your umbrella, it's pouring rain out there." "I knew then that Dad didn't just happen to miss certain things with my mom, he avoided them on purpose." "He threw himself into his job to make his marriage work." "It hit me that I need to do the same, only my job wasn't framing, it was the list." "I guess I'd find out if it worked." "You missed the Ethiopian adventure last night." " I got pickled ox tail." " Gotta go." "Something on the list." "Dad was a genius." "I'd finally found a way to get along with my wife:" "by avoiding her." "So like a lot of husbands, I decided to spend all my time at work, which for me meant finding something to do on my list." "Here's a good one, Earl." "N°275:" ""Never bought Randy a Ferrari."" "Or n°276:" ""Never told chicks Randy was a fighter pilot."" "Okay, n°277..." "Randy, how many of these did you add when I was in a coma?" "Zero." "Fifty." "That's it, Earl." "I'm done waiting for you to flip my house back." "I was walking past our ceiling fan, which is now on our wall, and it lopped off one of my ponytails." "You owe me 25 bucks." "I told you, I need money for a crane, and Billie's just getting stingier." "What, did you buy stock in the toothpaste company?" "I'll save some of it for the morning." "It didn't sound that wet." "You just gonna let some bitchy woman make your decisions for you?" "If you had any self-respect, you'd do what I say." "I didn't get it." "Karma's mystery was getting deeper." "I was doing the list to get away from my nightmare of a wife, only to have Karma stick me with my nightmare of an ex-wife." "Then I'm gonna take my foot out, and put it back in again, deeper!" "Joy, I want to help you, I just don't know how." "If we were ants, we wouldn't need a crane." "We could lift a million times our weight." "Ants are so ripped." "They must get laid all the time." "Randy had a good point, not just about ants boning a lot." "Ants also worked as a team." "Come on, everybody, pull!" "When I was doing bad things, no one would help me with anything." "But now that I was doing good things," "I had lots of friends willing to pitch in." "Come on, pull, you lazy bastards!" "You are so Spartacus." "No, no, you are so Spartacus." " You are." " Oh, no, you are." "Rhino in my back!" "This is how my father died!" "Come on, people!" "Let's put some muscle into it." "I am so sorry." "It's coming!" "It's coming!" "Keep pulling." "Pull!" "It's coming." "Keep pulling." "Thank you so much, everybody." "I got pony kegs in the side yard." "Enjoy." "Help!" "My foot is stuck." "It was great to see everyone pulling together like that... and pull together like that." "Plus, I was successfully staying away from Billie." "It was my first real good day since I got married." "Hey, Earl, your wife's on the phone." "I told her you were drinking a beer and she got really mad." "Hey, honey." "No, he's crazy, it's just a soda." "God, I miss you." "What's up?" "I ordered a bunch of stuff to go from Chubby's Pulled Pork, and I need you to pick it up." "Feel free to get something for yourself." "Just stay on the left side of the menu." "Oh, man, I really love that dinner salad, but work's crazy." "Gotta go." "Don't wait up." "Love you!" "I need to pick another list item, but before I could, Karma picked one for me." "Oh, my God, Earl!" "I found a leg!" "God, not another body." "This is not a graveyard, people!" "Pony up for your grandparents to have a decent funeral!" "It's nobody's grandparent." "It's not even a real leg." "I knew it was fake, because I had ditched it under the trailer after committing n°86:" ""Stole a car from a one-legged girl."" "Stand back!" "I wish I could say it was only her car I stole." "You said you loved me!" "It doesn't make sense." "I'm doing the list to keep away from one nightmare woman," "Karma sends me to deal with Joy, another nightmare woman." "Now, it's sending me Didi, the biggest nightmare I've ever met." "What the hell's going on?" "Sometimes I wish Karma could talk." "That'd take a lot of guesswork out of what we do." "But if I only had one wish in the world," "I'd be an ant who was ripped and got laid a lot." "Hopefully, I'll get two wishes." "I was wishing for something different:" "that I wouldn't be killed by Didi." "I figured we'd go by where she worked, so she'd have less chance of having her shotgun." "Excuse me, I found a leg in my doughnut." "Come on." "Maybe we'll get a free doughnut." "I know we came from a keg party, but try to act sober, okay?" "That's hot." "Freshest doughnuts in town, you son of a bitch." "After some discussion," "I learned Didi already had her car back and didn't just want her leg, she wanted me to feel her pain." "And if I was gonna figure out what Karma was trying to tell me," "I guess I had to do what she said." "I want you to hop a mile in my shoe." "I never thought about how hard I made Didi's life by stealing her fake leg." "But she made me understand how the simple things in life became complicated, like bringing home groceries." "Getting them to the door wasn't too bad, but freeing up a hand to open it put too much weight on one side." "And, like how the lights are set to give people enough time to walk across the street, not hop." "Get out of the street!" "She made me learn how frustrating it was to pay full price for a pair of shoes when you knew you were only gonna wear one." "Didi made me realize that even trying to relax was difficult." "Go back." "Didi must have realized I was getting the message, 'cause she let me share the half of her foot bath that she never used." "I am so sorry." "I forgive you." "You can cross me off your list." "My foot hurt so bad, I had to use the other one to get home." "I still didn't understand how suffering for Didi was Karma's answer to me suffering with my wife." "Then came the weirdest thing yet." "Earl, I'm sorry I've been a little stingy with you." "It's our money." "Here's an ATM card, so you don't have to ask me for it anymore." "Oh, there's a special card you have to put in." "And..." "I got you your own box of tissues." "You should be able to decide how many you need." "Well, thanks." "I'll be right back." "I don't get it." "She was terrible and now she's nice." "What's Karma trying to tell me?" "It's so obvious, Earl." "If you pick up a trailer for one lady you pissed off and you hop around for another lady you pissed off, then your annoying wife will give you a box of tissues." "I think the ATM card is just random." "You bring up a good point, Randy." "I've pissed off a lot of ladies." "But when I made it up to two of them, the lady pissing me off got nicer." "I think you're just restating my tissue example." "Maybe that's what Karma's been saying." "Maybe if I make up to the women I've hurt, my marriage will start to work." "I just wish there was a way I could double-check." "Perfect." "Come here." "When I saw you at Club Chubby on Christmas, I was a pig, right?" "And I slapped your butt cheek." "Yeah, hard enough to leave a mark." "When Santa came, I couldn't even sit on his lap, and he's a big tipper." "Well, then, be mean back." "Make me suffer." "You can slap my ass or..." "Thank you." "That was perfect." "I thought so." "Check it out." "They just added lemonade and Chubby Cakes to the vending machine." "I know you like them." "And there it was, just like in my coma fantasy." "I had a wife who brought me cakes and lemonade." "And, Randy, something for you, too." "What do I have to do?" "Smile." "Then she did something that really blew my mind." "Did you hear that, Randy?" "She went to the bathroom and shut the door." "It's all clear now." "I've had bad marriages because I've deserved bad marriages." "I've been horrible to women." "But if I keep making it up to them, things will keep getting better with Billie and me." "Randy, I need to make up for the worst thing I've ever done to women." "N°204:" ""Seduced seven virgins."" "But, with the ATM card," "I mean, don't abuse it or anything." "It's ours, but it's mainly mine." "And, Randy, you're still sleeping on the balcony." "You need to get to those virgins fast." "I'd been horrible to women in the past, and now the only way Karma was gonna let me have a good relationship with my new wife, Billie, was to make up for that." "I can't wait for you to fix this thing with Billie so I can stop sleeping on the balcony, although, lately when I wake up facing the railing," "I feel like I'm in a giant crib, which is nice." "If I was gonna get Randy off the balcony," "I needed to make up for the worst thing I'd ever done to women." "N°204: "Seduced seven virgins."" "Way back when, a group of Amish settled near Camden." "Everything was fine, until they started adopting modern technology." "Behold... the wheel!" "That is the devil's work!" "It has no beginning and no end." "We shall have none of it." "And so, unwilling to change their deep-seated beliefs, half the group left and called themselves the Camdenites." "As the world grew up around them, the Camdenites decided that when each young girl turned 21, they would go out to experience regular society for 21 days." "Those tempted by the evils of the outside world can choose to stay there, but those pure of heart shall return to the glories of a world with no wheels, no medicine and no advancements in knowledge of any kind whatsoever!" "Can thou giveth me a "hallelujah"?" "Hallelujah!" "I called it the Running of the Virgins." "Every year, me and Randy were outside waiting for women who had never heard a pick-up line." "Greetings, ladies." "Is it hot out here, or is it just you?" "Me and my brother have been sent out from the Nathanite religious settlement for 21 days." "Really?" "We are just now also on a journey into the world." "That's crazy!" "How lucky are you to so quickly run into people you can completely trust?" "Come, let us explore the world together." "Our goal was..." "I think our goal was pretty obvious." "This barley soda's making me feel warm under the bonnet." "You know, that dancing thing looks interesting." "I'm afraid to try it alone." "Do not be afraid, Earleth," "I shall do it with you." "Okay, but we gotta stay real close so the devil doesn't get between us." "If there's anything you're afraid of," "I'd be willing to try it with you... unless it's cauliflower." "I had a good thing going." "And I did it year after year." "Some years, the crops were plentiful." "Other years, there was a drought." "But a good farmer always finds something to plow." "Yes, yes!" "Call me a Jezebel!" "Jezebel!" "So I went back to Camdenite Village and talked to their leader, Ruth, to see how I could make up to all those former virgins." "None of them are here." "They never came back." "They were alive when we left them, if that's what you're hinting at." "No, they all had such a great time in the outside world, they decided to stay." "If they're happy now, I guess it's not the worst thing I ever did to women." "Maybe not to them, but it was to the rest of us." "You started a trend, and you know how kids are, always swept up in the latest craze, like zippers or those wooden figures on a stick that dance on your knee." "None of our daughters come back anymore." "And without women, the Camdenites will soon be gone." "Maybe Karma wants me to make something up to you." "I know!" "We could buy you a pitchfork, so you could shovel horse food like a normal person." "We don't use pitchforks." "They are the tool of the devil." "Although I tried one once, and it was about a thousand times easier." "There-there's gotta be something I can do." "My niece, Greta, just turned 21, and in a few days, will go out into the world." "If you want to help, make sure she comes back." "And if she could bring back the recipe for flour..." "We lost ours years ago." "Ruth was hoping that if Greta returned after being in the outside world, other Camdenite girls would follow her example, and their community would be saved." "To convince Greta that she wouldn't want to live in the outside world," "I showed her the scariest thing I could think of: television." "This is all so violent and horrible." "This is a show called C.S.I.:" "Miami." "That means "Crime Stuff in Miami."" "That Creamsicle-looking guy, his name's Horatio." "Hello, cute hubby." "I've got a special surprise for you." "Randy, will you and your friend give us a second?" "Sure." "I'll show you my bedroom." "It's really big." "It's the entire outside." "Guess what I got." "Flavored body gels." "Chocolate, strawberry and vanilla." "My plan seemed to be working." "I was taking care of my lady, Karma, so my lady was taking care of me." "All right." "I'm gonna go with the strawberry." "Smeared chocolate puts me in the wrong frame of mind." "Then, my mission to make Greta dislike our world hit a bump." "That is most wondrous." "On the farm, the only fun thing we have to chew on is ox cartilage, but the flavor is gone after two seconds." "No sooner did Greta start enjoying stuff from the modern world then Karma made Billie change her tune." "Damn it, Earl!" "Didn't I talk to you about letting people sit on the made-up bed?" "Well, aren't we about to mess it up?" "You didn't know that when you let people sit on it." "I get it." "I know what's going on." "Karma's making you mad at me 'cause the girl out there is on my list and I need to be dealing with her." "What the hell are you talking about?" "Great, she's chewing gum." "That's a gateway candy!" "Make her spit it out." "Honey, I really need to get out there." " We're in the middle of something." " I'm not trying to ignore you." "If I don't make up to the women I've hurt, you're gonna stay like this, and Karma's never gonna make you my reward." "Wait, so that's what I am to you, some kind of carnival prize?" "No, not right now, but..." "Come on, Randy, you're killing me!" "Look, forget about the prize thing." "Can we talk about this later?" "'Cause you'll be in a much better mood once I get Greta off my list." "No list!" "You need to decide what's more important." "Me... or that damn list." "Yeah, here's the thing." "If I pick you," "Karma's never gonna let us get along, but if I pick the list, you're gonna go even more psycho on me, but Karma can fix that." "So..." "I'm gonna go with the list." "Wrong answer." "If I wanted Karma to make Billie nice again," "I need to convince Greta the outside world was evil." "And that is when I said, "Excuse me, sir," ""but that is not a bottle opener."" "So, you dance for men?" " Just for money?" " I dance, I jump, I grind." "I once hung upside down and let a man throw bologna at me." "Hello?" "Hey, Earl, Joy would like a word with you, and based on her tone, I think it's gonna be a curse word." "Earl, you son of a bitch!" "You better get your..." "That's a phone." "Isn't it cool?" "How does it work?" "Nobody knows." "I didn't believe what Joy told me until I saw it with my own eyes." "Your wife tied a rope to your car" " and flipped my trailer back over." " I don't get it, if Billie's mad at me," " why would she take it out on you?" " Where is she?" "I am so angry, I just want to beat her with my tiny little fists." "That's right, let it out, Cricket." "You're never gonna believe what Billie did." "It's not often we get to meet one of Kenny's girlfriends." "You are Kenny's girlfriend, aren't you?" "I'm not sure I'm Kenny's type." "Here, see for yourself." "Please tell me he's blowing up a man-shaped balloon." "Earl, she told my parents she is going to undo your entire list." "The list." "Billie must've stolen it." "Looks like there's a monster loose in Camden." "Then I guess... we're going monster hunting." "Sorry." "I stepped on a nail." "Once we figured out that Billie was trying to undo everything on my list," "Darnell helped us set up what he called a command center." "I put pins in the locations where she's already struck." "It'll help us figure out where she's gonna hit." "According to my calculations, the only place I know for sure is safe is Pop's Hot Dog Cart." "Billie just burned down Pop's Hot Dog Cart." "All right, I was guessing, but damn, what are the odds?" "Greta, she just wrote that in ink, right?" "Watch this." " Are you magic?" " Yes." "No, it's a dry erase marker, and they're evil," " you can get high from sniffing them." " I'll show you." "Randy, put it down." "Hey, Earl, thanks to your wife, our neighborhood is crawling with tourists." "Everybody wants to see "freak town."" "Some guy tried to put me in a Baby Bjorn." "I hate Austin Powers." "Hey, look, there's a couple of freaks right now!" "It's Horn Head and Tiny Guy." "Feel free to point and laugh, as they do not have emotions like you and I." "We were trying hard to figure out who else she was gonna hit." "Turns out, the real question was, who wasn't she gonna hit?" "She got Didi." "She got Mistletoe the Stripper, first day back to work at Club Chubby without her back brace." "She even made a recording of Nescobar-A-Lop-Lop, so he could hear his own accent." "Oh, God, that's what I sound like?" "People should make fun of foreigners." "And before I knew it, it seemed like I had the whole town in front of me." "People, people!" "I'll fix it all." "I'm doing my best." "It's Billie." "You got to stop this, Billie." "You like spending time with your list so much, now you get to start all over again." "It's not right." "You're hurting innocent people." "Speaking of innocent, someone wants to talk to you." "We went shopping, Earl, and now we're having fast food." "I just ate beef that I didn't have to raise, name and look in the eyes as I smashed its head with a killing hammer." "It's delicious!" " Randy, I told you to watch Greta." " I did." "I watched her go out and to the vending machine." "She's so cute, I can't take my eyes off her." "Oh, you meant watch, like keep track of her." "That, I did not do." "Billie, I swear, if anything happens to that girl..." "It'll be your fault, Earl." "You made me do this when you chose your list over me, so if you keep doing your list," "I'll keep making bad things happen to people on it." "Oh, my God, she's talking about us!" "That's when I realized, there was only one thing left to do." "So, for the last time, Earl, what's it gonna be... me or the list?" "Okay, Billie, I choose you." "I couldn't believe I had to give up my list, but I hoped if I could get Greta back to the Camdenites," "Karma would make everything okay." "Glad you finally manned up and did right by your wife, Earl." " Where's Greta?" " I left her at Chubby's Burgers." "What do you care?" "You're here for me, not her, right?" "You're not even giving us a chance." "You didn't even bring her." "How do you expect Karma to do anything for us?" " Screw Karma." " You shouldn't have said that." "Why?" "What's gonna happen to me?" " You called the cops?" " I didn't, I swear." "Then who did?" "Karma?" "It wasn't Karma." "It was something much scarier than that." "There's the trailer-flipping whore." "There she is." "She's making a run for it." "Tase the bitch!" "Tase her!" "Hey, Earl." "Hey, Crab Man." "I trusted you." "You said you were putting me first." "Well, now, I'm putting you first on my list... of people to kill." "That's a death threat." "I know that you can arrest her just for saying that and keep her without pressing charges or letting her call her kids." "I can't." "She just stepped on Camdenite property." "It's a sovereign land." "Camden Police have no jurisdiction." "We try to keep that under wraps." "Otherwise, all the criminals would hide out there." "Good." "Then I'll just hide out here." "See?" "When you least expect it  I'll be coming for you, Earl." "Don't worry, buddy." "I'm gonna be out here 24/7 to nab her as soon as she leaves." "Actually, 24/5." "In 5 days, it's the department bass fishing trip, which is gonna be a blast, but it'll leave us a little shorthanded." "I had 5 days to find Greta and convince her to return to the Camdenites, so Karma would be happy." "Now, it wasn't just to save my relationship." "It was to save my life." "Here, Greta!" "But she was nowhere to be found." "And after searching around the clock for five days," "I knew I was screwed." "Good luck!" "I was out of time." "Billie could be coming for me any minute, and" "I still didn't know where Greta was." "Turns ordinary water into champagne." "Greta, where have you been?" "Randy's been hiding me." "Damn it, Randy, you know my situation with Billie." "If Greta doesn't go back, I can't fix my Karma with women." "What about me?" "Everything's always about your list." "When I do I get a turn?" "I don't have bad Karma with women, so why should I have to lose Greta to help your problem with Billie?" "Besides, I want to stay out here in the land of zippers and mirrors and tampons that are not made out of hay." "You can't decide to change your whole way of life just based on a few days." "You changed your life in just one day, and that was right for you." "I said something smart, didn't I?" "Oh, you always say something smart, Randy." "Maybe Greta wasn't supposed to help me fix my Karma with women." "Maybe she was part of Randy's Karma, rewarding him for being a good guy." "And that meant I needed to come up with something else to make things up to the Camdenites." "But it was hard to think about that when I was worried about Billie being on the loose." "And I knew I had to stay awake and keep an eye out." "Wakey, wakey." "Life's at stakey!" "This time, I knew I wasn't dreaming, and Billie still had her key." "Quick!" "Just pretend we're pillows." "It's okay." "I'm not here to hurt you." "Then what's with the ax?" "All Camdenite women carry them for protection when we leave the farm." "I suggested pepper spray, but it turns out, we Camdenites don't believe in spray... or pepper." ""We Camdenites?"" "It seemed the Camdenites didn't have a problem with Billie using their land to hide out from the police." "But they've a problem sharing their land with someone not willing to share the work." "And while it took some getting used to, she soon found that field work was a great way to get out her anger." "In fact, it made her feel pretty good." "And, when she fell back into her stealing ways, it didn't work, 'cause in the Camdenite village, all the property was shared." "You can have it." "And even though she was used to being selfish, it was hard to be greedy around people who were so happy to give." "Billie had spent her whole life searching for something." "She tried crime, nursing school, and then she met me, and tried Karma." "But nothing felt right..." "until now." "I guess Karma didn't want to turn you into another me, after all." "I was just supposed to help you find the real you." "And now you could cross the Camdenites off your list." "But first  divorce papers." "Uh, you need to sign..." "I know where to sign." "Thanks, Earl." "What's this?" "Maybe Karma didn't want me to be your reward, but it still wanted you to have one." "Do good things." ""Dear Mr. Rockefeller, this $72,000" ""is the remainder of my insurance settlement." ""It would be more if you didn't double up on the tissues." ""I think this money was always meant for you." ""Love, Billie."" "I was glad Billie found where she belonged." "After I had spent time in prison... after I doubted Karma and got hit by a car... after lying for a pretty good while in a coma  I had my list again, and I was finally back where I belonged."