"# Stick a pony in me pocket" "# I'll fetch the suitcase from the van" "# 'Cause if you want the best 'uns but you don't ask questions" "# Then, brother, I'm your man" "# 'Cause where it all comes from is a mystery" "# It's like the changing of the seasons and the tides of the sea" "# But here's the one what's driving me berserk." "# Why do only fools and horses work?" "#" "(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS)" "Ah!" "I love this one. "Marble Arch at Dawn" by Rodney Trotter, aged 14-and-a-half." " Did you paint something out here?" " The Eiffel Tower." "The Eiffel Tower?" "Does that signify something?" "It signifies that originally it was the Arc de Triomphe." "But no one could spell that, so I drew a double-decker and called it Marble Arch!" "And it worked!" "My art teacher said in my report it was a masterpiece." "So, how does it feel to be with a genius?" "If I find out, I'll drop you a line!" "Are you gonna pour that or paint it?" "Rodney, I know I'll seem stupid, but does this baked bean label mean anything?" "Yes, it means Del's been putting his competition stuff in my portfolio again." " What competition?" " It's his latest line." "He enters any competition he can." "Spot the Ball, Spot the Mistake, Spot the Dog." "Look at this!" "Spaghetti hoop labels, crisp packets, Malteser wrappers..." " I don't see Del as the competition type!" " Oh, yeah!" "He's on the verge of winning a Ford Sierra and a date with Maria Whittaker." " Where is Del?" " He and Albert have got dates tonight." "Del's seeing a bird called Petula." "He chatted her up at a boot sale." " And Albert?" " Some old dear called Elsie Partridge." " She's a widow with 11 children!" " 11 kids!" "Yeah." "Then her husband got fed up and died!" " Do you like smoked salmon?" " Love it." "Good." "There's smoked salmon sandwiches." "Do you want vinegar?" "Did you put a plug on the microwave?" " Did you hear something?" " Sounded like your uncle." " Is that microwave 650 watts or 550?" " I thought you had a date?" " I have." "She'll be here soon." " Aren't you going out?" "I thought you were going out." "OK, love?" " Fine, thank you." " I'm not spoiling my date for you." "I've got a beef risotto for the microwave and a nice bottle of wine in the fridge." " Sorry about this." " That's how it goes." "Oi, I could drop Albert a few quid." "Maybe after dinner he'll take her to bingo!" "Then we could be alone." "Look at the state he's left this place in!" "Wait till I get my hands on that plonker." "You two look like you're waiting for your case to come up!" "We're discussing art, that's all." "Every time he discusses art with someone, their buttons come undone." "Here's the van keys." "You can take Cassandra out now." " We're not going out." " We could for a while." "No, Cassandra, we're staying put." "Rodney, can I have a board meeting?" " Look, Petula is coming round." " We're having a cultural evening." "I know, but Petula is bringing all her gear." "I don't care if she's bringing her gear." "We're staying put." "I'm giving her a yuppy salad." "I went out this morning and bought smoked salmon." "I don't care what you've bought..." " All right, we'll go out." " You know it makes sense." " Where's my bottle of wine?" " Captain Birds Eye's here an' all!" "Aren't you going out with the old woman who lived in the shoe?" " I am." "She'll be here for dinner soon." " She's not coming to dinner?" "!" "You may as well stay, Rodney." "We'll have a party!" "T'riffic (!" ")" "Sorry, I didn't realise." " Showing you his etchings?" " I think he's good." "He's all right." "I like more realism in my art." "That's always let you down, Rodney." "What d'you mean?" "That's realistic, isn't it?" " Yeah, and it's full." " I said I'm sorry." "Yeah, but look at the other stuff here." "Look at this. "Marble Arch at Dawn"." "What a cock-up that turned out to be." "Rodney's teacher called it a masterpiece." "He didn't." "He thought it was a mantelpiece!" "It's all right for you!" "He nicked my wine!" "Stop moaning, you old git!" "He didn't mean to half-inch it." "He's in love!" "We've gotta learn..." " We've got to be more understanding." " I s'pose you're right." " It was only a cheap bottle of wine." " Exactly." "Now, then. 'Ere, that dipstick's only had my smoked salmon too!" " When I get my hands on him..." " Don't do anything in front of Cassandra." "I'll wait till she's gone." "Then I'll kick him up the jacksie!" "Any post for me today?" " Nothing from them dopey competitions." " You won't call 'em dopey when I win!" "How can you win?" "You only post 'em just before the closing date." "Because that ensures my entry will get to the top of the pile!" "There's a competition on the cornflakes." "You can't win a raffle if you don't buy a ticket." "Monkey Harris is coming in the morning." "He's expecting a load of Italian shirts from Malaya." "Tell him I'm not interested." " But you are." " Don't tell him or he'll expect a fair price." " (DOORBELL)" " I'll get it." " Another competition?" " I'll win this." " What have you got to do?" " I dunno yet!" "Oi, it's Albert's old bird." "Uncle, your date is here!" " She's an old dragon!" " Is she?" "You saucy git!" "That's Petula!" " There you go, love." " Thanks." " Sorry, Cass, I've lost me appetite." " What's wrong?" " I'm just sitting thinking about us." " And it's put you off your food?" "Thanks!" "No, I didn't mean it like that." "Cass, we're pretty close, wouldn't you say?" "Sorry!" "I didn't mean that." "I mean we get on really well." " We have our moments." " It's them moments that's worrying me." "I've got a bit of a dilemma." "Maybe I ought to discuss it." "Fire away." "Well..." "Look, we're both responsible, mature adults, right?" "Yeah." "That's it." "Forget it." "Innit fair, eh?" "Rodney stops off for dinner with a bird, leaving the carrying to me." " They got no respect these days." " They got no respect these days." " You fought in the war, didn't you?" " I fought in the war, didn't I, so kids could have freedom." "And what do they do?" " Anything they bloody like." " Anything they bloody like." "Put some of them shirts in a suitcase." "Is that for me?" " It's addressed to Rodney." " Same thing!" "Let's see what he's getting in the post." ""Dear Rodney, thank you for your contribution." "We're pleased to tell you..."" " Stone me!" " What's wrong?" " Remember that competition?" " You've done hundreds!" " The Mega cornflakes one." " What about it?" "You had to paint a world-famous landmark." "They're not my speciality." "I'm a portrait man myself." "So I sent off "Marble Arch at Dawn" in Rodney's name and guess what?" " He's only won!" " You're pulling my leg!" "Straight up!" "Have a butcher's at that." "There's 10 top prizes of a week in the Mediterranean and Rodney's got one!" "I always said that was a good painting." "Realism is Rodney's strength." " I'm pleased." "He's never won anything." " Only them ugly bird contests." "They're sending him to Mallorca." ""A luxury suite in a five-star hotel." "A la carte menu." ""Spending money for winners and their guests."" "Guests, of course!" "It's always a holiday for two." "I need a break." "Some sunshine would set me up a treat." " That's strange!" " What is?" " Have you read page two?" " Not yet!" "Well, I think you'd better!" "Oh, no!" "I don't believe these wallies!" "You know me, son." "I never interfere." "But it's only right to tell him." "What we have here, Uncle, is a case of je ne sais quoi pourquoi." " What does that mean?" " Roughly translated," ""He who sticks his nose into a beehive will get more than a nostrilful of honey."" " Do I make myself clear?" " I'm saying nothing." "Cushty." " S'pose I'll get off." " What are you up to today?" "Del's picking up a gross of Italian shirts and I'm down the market selling dolls." " I won't always be doing this." " Doing what?" "Selling crap in markets." "When I get my diploma in computer science, it'll change." "You don't have to prove anything to me." "You've got a good job in a bank, your dad's a businessman." "Me, I'm an apprentice fly-pitcher." "A girl like you, Cass, could marry a rich, good-looking bloke." "If a handsome, wealthy young man asked me to marry him, know what I'd say?" ""Ciao, Rodney"!" "And you wouldn't see me for the tinted windows on his Porsche." "Until then, I'll drag along with you." " So you're not just saying that?" " No, honestly!" "And here's me fretting (!" ")" "I've been going out with you longer than any other boyfriend." "Do you know why?" " They all packed you in?" " Right!" "And because I love you." "Oh." "Well, I love you, too, Cass." "What a load of old cobblers!" "Makes you wanna throw up!" " Why do you always come to this pub?" " The atmosphere, I s'pose!" " Rodders!" " On me way, Del." "A bottle of your best champagne!" "Rodney, have I got news for you, bruv." "You, Rodney Trotter, have only won a competition!" " Is this a wind-up?" " No, it's God's honest." "There in black and white." "What can't speak can't lie." "I don't believe this is happening to me!" "Bloody hell!" " Sorry." " OK." "Where's the other page?" "It says turn to page two." " I left that in the flat." " It's not a mistake?" "It's all pukka." "I just phoned them up!" "They're expecting you in Mallorca for publicity photos." " You'll be on the cornflake packets!" " Will I?" "You and the nine other winners." "The Mediterranean!" "I've never won anything ever!" "Only the ugly bird comp..." "No, he's never won." "You clever thing!" "I didn't know you'd entered a competition." "No, it was..." " Del, I never entered it." " No, I did it for you." "It was a painting competition, so I sent off "Marble Arch at Dawn" and it won!" " What did the other page say?" " It's all about sightseeing." "Listen, I'll get the champers." " Cor, a holiday in Mallorca!" " Hmm!" " Will you miss me?" " Bound to!" "Something will replace the excitement of your presence - maybe knitting." " Can you get a week off?" " I'm owed holidays." " What about your parents?" " It's a holiday for two!" "You know what I mean!" "How will they feel about it?" " My parents like you." "They trust you." " Do they?" " I'm not sure I like that!" " Here we go!" "We'll have champagne for breakfast every day in Mallorca." "There you go, darling." "I just can't wait to get there!" " Er..." "Thing is, Del..." " Come on, drink up!" "Cheers!" "Celebrate." "It's just that this holiday is for two and I was thinking..." "No, it's not for two, it's for free!" " Nothing!" "No, it's for three!" " Three?" "Are you sure?" "'Course I'm sure." "It was on the second page that I threw...that I left in the flat." " Three's a funny number." " Very funny." "Always has me in stitches." "What I mean is these things are usually in twos." "You see it on telly. "Bob's Full House" and "Price is Right". "A holiday for two."" " So why's this for three?" " Ask the cornflake people." " Mega Flakes do everything bigger." " There, she's cracked it!" "So this means that Cassandra can come with us!" " Hadn't thought of that!" " Love to!" "Well, three weeks to the off." "Enough time for us to get some new clothes." "You get your bikini line sorted out." "And then we're off." "Lovely jubbly!" "Right!" " Three people?" " Yes." "Don't keep on about it!" " Excuse me." " Right, look..." "See you later." "Take care." "I'm just going to the Ladies'." "Sorry, I thought you was going..." "You wally!" "Shut up!" "I'm glad she's gone." "I wanted a chat with you." "I've got a bit of a problem." "Well, it's more of a worry." " About the holiday?" " Well, sort of." "The holiday's heightened my concern, made it more urgent." "What is it, then, Rodders?" "What, Ford Escorts?" "Oh, I see, bruv." "They're not really that size in real life!" "I know that!" "I know they're not that..." "Bloody hell!" "Me and Cassie are getting closer all the time." " We haven't done nothing yet." " I thought you was on the firm with it." "No, nothing like that." "But let's face it, these things can get beyond our control." "Yeah, it's way beyond mine, bruv." "In this day and age, with what's happening in the world, it is every responsible adult's duty to..." "Go equipped." " If you like." " That's very wise and mature." "It really is." "So what's the problem?" " Well, I keep going to buy 'em..." " Yeah, go on." "There's a sort of stigma attached to 'em." "That's just a piece of foil." "Chuck it away!" "I don't know why I involved you in this." "In this day of Aids and all the warnings on the telly and in the press, people are still embarrassed to buy 'em." "Me, I think it's only seedy little blokes do it." "Will you get 'em for me?" "On your bike!" "You get 'em yourself!" "I keep going to get 'em, and when I go in the shop it's either a lady serving or me bottle goes." "Look!" "This morning I bought four combs, a tub of Vick and a Kodak film!" "But they sell them everywhere these days, in the butcher's, a bike shop..." "In Patel's multimart, they're by the phone cards!" "They even had a machine in here once, but it got jammed with a drachma." "Have you discussed it with Cassandra?" "'Course I haven't!" "She's coming." " More champagne?" " No, I'll stick with fruit juice." "All right, I'll get you some." "Cass, what I was saying earlier about our blossoming relationship..." " What about it?" " When one is in a situation like ours," " one..." " Or in our case, two." "..or in our case, two, should be careful." " Careful of what?" " That we don't become three." "Oh, I see what you mean!" "I hope you don't think I'm being presuming, but we are going on holiday together, and in that atmosphere of sunshine and freedom and sharing a hotel suite, our relationship could, who knows, ascend to a more physical plain." "Yes, I suppose so." "Yeah?" "Well, who knows what might happen?" " You haven't discussed this with Del?" " 'Course not!" "What do you think I am?" "Good." "Oi, Rodders, you're in luck." "Mike's had a new machine fitted in the Gents'." "I'll get you some change, Rodney." "(FLAMENCO MUSIC)" " Where are they?" " The courier said meet at the desk." " There it is." " Pour the sangria, Jose." "We've arrived." "Just a minute." "Before you check in, er... ..this prize ain't as straightforward as it seems." " He did win, didn't he?" " Oh, yes, yes." "It's all pukka and above-board." "We've got the tickets and everything." " What's the problem?" " That's strange." "I noticed on the plane, but it didn't register." "They're mums and dads." "They've brought their kids." " What's strange about that?" " Except for me, the winners are parents." "It's not the parents that are the winners, it's the kids." " What do you mean?" " Rodney's painting won first prize... ..in an under-15-year-old category." "Say again?" "So they think Rodney's 15?" "!" " Is that right?" " No." "They think you're 14." "14?" "!" "They think I'm 14!" " Why didn't you tell me in England?" " I thought it might cast a cloud." "I sent your painting off in good faith." "I didn't know there were categories." "But YOU wrote "Aged 14-and-a-half"." "The organisers must have put you in the kids' category." "So it's your fault." "How was I to know that in 12 years' time you'd enter it in a cornflakes competition?" "How was I to know that you'd win?" "Eh?" "Doesn't matter." "You'll waltz through it." "How the hell will I pass for 14?" " Will you stop that, Cassandra!" " Sorry!" "Act your age." " I'm gonna break your bloody neck!" " Shh!" "Just look over there." "Some of those lads are over six foot tall." "15- and 16-year-olds look older than they used to." "And you have boyish good looks." "That's why there was three tickets." "One for Mum and Dad, one for the sprog." "You can't expect 13- and 14-year-olds to go abroad on their own!" " And what exactly is your role in this?" " Well, er..." "When the cornflakes people phoned, they said you had to go with your parents." "So I said - and I don't know why I did it, I must have been flustered at the time " "I said that I was your dad." "My dad?" "!" "Did you hear that, Cassandra?" "Yeah!" " Who the hell am I, his mum?" " Tell me this is a bad dream!" "It's only pretend!" "You won't be checking his ears or picking him up from school." "It's only pretend!" "You won't be checking his ears or picking him up from school." " We should tell them the truth." " Just a minute!" "We're here now." "If we keep shtoom, we get a free holiday!" "If they find out we're lying, they'll chuck us out." "If they find out we're telling the truth, they'll chuck us out." "The return flight's in a week, so they'll stick us in a half-way home." " At some point, they'll realise I'm not 14." " We'll be in the hotel by then." "There's nobody there to ask questions." "We're on holiday!" "Whatever it is, it's an experience." "Good girl." "You know it makes sense!" "That's it." "Come on." "Let's go and check in." "Come on." "Don't forget to act a bit mumsy." " What do you mean "mumsy"?" " Just a bit mumsy." "Come on." "It's only a half-hour journey to the hotel, so we'll be in plenty of time for lunch." " The Trotter family." " Good, we've been waiting for you." "Alan Perkins." "Pleased to meet you." "Here are your rosettes." "Mrs Trotter, Mr Trotter." "OK?" "And this one's for young Rod..." " He's a big lad." " His late mother was very tall. 6' 3"." " Really?" " Yeah." "Rodney, you're now a life member of the Groovy Gang." " The what?" " It's to make the kids feel really part of it." "Whenever we ask if you're having fun, all you kids shout "Groovy"." "Don't worry, he'll soon get the hang of it." "Groovy." "Fine." "We'll be off in a moment." "Thank you." " I don't believe this is happening." " It's all right." "We'll be at the hotel in half an hour." "Then you're free to do what you want." "Nice and easy." "All the members of the Groovy Gang over here." "We're going to the hotel on the fun bus, not with all the old fogeys." ""Old fogeys"!" "Sauce, eh?" " You're enjoying this!" " No, just playing along, Rodney." "Mums and dads, the coach is outside." "We've laid on a welcoming reception." "I'm sure you won't object to a sangria!" "That's lovely, Alan." " Off you go, Rodney." " What?" " You're going with the Groovy Gang." " Sod the Groovy Gang!" "Don't let us down now." " They're looking over here." " I'm still waiting for a Rodney Trotter." " Over here, sweetheart." " Come on, don't be..." " Hurry up, Rodney." " I'm not going." " Is he not a good mixer?" " He's a Kenwood Chef once he starts." "Don't be shy." "You'll soon make friends." "We're going for a jumbo hamburger and French fries." " That's his favourite." " Don't get ketchup down your shirt." "Et tu, Cassandra?" "We'll see you back at the hotel, Rodders." " Come on, darling." " Don't push your luck, Derek." "Do you like Bros?" "No." " Are you having fun?" " Groovy." "That's better." "Let's go." "# Here we go, here we go... #" "(BOTTLES CLINK)" "All right?" "I've been down to reception." "I've bought us some Spanish lottery tickets." "I've filled 'em in." "Some for you, some for Rodney." "And some for me." "I'll put yours here." "Never know our luck." "We're on a winning roll." " Tell that to poor Rodney." " Don't keep on, you'll spoil the holiday." "Have you had a look round?" "Ah, that's very nice." "That must be Rodney's room." "There's a picture of Prince on the wall!" " If that's Rodney's, where do I sleep?" " I thought that, er, you and Rodney..." "Maybe not." "I'll sleep in there." "You two have the honeymoon bed." "Anything you say, sweetheart." "I thought it might be strange when the maid sees us two tucked up in bed." "Even stranger to see Rodney sleeping with his stepmother!" "I never thought of that." "I'd better cancel breakfast in bed." " Shall I take the Prince picture down?" " Leave it." "You've done enough as it is." "Look, I thought the cornflakes people would leave us alone." "Why would they conscript Rodney into the Groovy Gang?" "Mr Perkins said it's so the youngsters won't get bored and parents get a rest." " I won't see him all week." " 'Course you will." "He's bound to get some leave!" "Look, there they all go now." "Hey, Rodney, don't go mad!" "They went over that hill." " That was quick!" " They were on skateboards." "Rodney was in front." "Leader of the pack." "Oh, my God." " (KNOCK)" " May I come in?" " Yes." " Hello, Mrs Trotter." " That's you." " Good afternoon, Carmen." " Is Rodney here?" " Not at the moment." " He's out enjoying himself." " Yes." "It's to let him know about the junior disco on Wednesday." " I'll see him later." "Bye for now." " Bye!" "Bye." " Did you hear that?" " Rodney likes a dance." " It's a junior disco." " We'll say he's ill." " More lies?" " That'll be the truth." "When we tell him, he'll be Tom Dick." "I'll have a wash, then we'll get something to eat, OK?" " What about Rodney?" " We'll pick him up downstairs." " Just look for the nearest sandpit." " Very funny!" "What have you been doing?" " I've been skateboarding, Cassandra." " I see." " Where's Del?" " He's having a wash." " Derek!" " Rodders?" "Yes, I'm back." "Could you come out, please?" "I'd like a word." " Won't be long, bruv." " Could you come out now?" "No, I've got me pants off, Rodney." " It's quite urgent, Del." " Give us five minutes." " Sorry about the bad language." " What bad language?" "Get it in, you dipstick!" "I'm gonna kill you!" "0i, oi, oil What's up with you?" "Thanks to you, I'm a 26-year-old who's come second in a skateboard derby!" "Second?" "You were in the lead when I saw you." "I fell off." "I told you not to go mad." "I also have a 13-year-old Bros fan called Trudy who's got the hots for me." "Tomorrow I start the first of three cycling proficiency lessons." "I'm gonna kill you!" " Calm downI You're behaving like a kid." " Git!" "I'm not coming out till you've simmered down." "I'll wait." "I don't care if it takes all week, I'm gonna get you, Derek Trotter." "I'm gonna get you!" "Have you seen the view?" "No." " Would you like a drink?" " Strychnine, please." "Ice and lemon?" "That's where I come off." "Poxy lizard!" " Shall I clean it up?" " No." " It could turn septic." " Good." "Is that Trudy waving at you?" "Yeah." "Psst!" " Calmed down yet?" " Git!" "Veinites!" "Veinites!" "Rodney, do you think if I knew this was gonna happen I'd let us come over here?" "Of course!" "You don't give a toss about anybody else as long as you're happy." "Oh, that hurts, Rodney, that hurts." "It's like a knife going through my heart." "I may be many things, but I am not selfish." "Cheers." "I'm sure today's entertainments are to make you feel at home." " Probably the rest of the week is yours." " Oh, no." "I was given the full itinerary." "Tomorrow, after my cycling lesson, we're off to the Splash and Slide." "Wednesday morning is go-karting." "In the afternoon is a ping-pong championship." "On Thursday, me and the Groovy Gang are painting Palma cathedral." "What in, matt or vinyl?" "You're enjoying every bloody minute of this!" "I'm not!" "I'm lightening the atmosphere." "Your mood is gonna ruin our holiday." " Listen to me, you git..." " Arguing won't help!" " I bet you told him about the junior disco!" " Junior disco?" "!" " I didn't say a word." " I ain't going!" "You don't have to." "Me and your stepmum will say you got guts-ache." "Don't say that!" "They've got a fat nurse to look after us!" "You like a bit of uniform!" "You want to see her." "She'd have to go on a diet to get into the Rolly Pollies!" "God, what a choice, eh?" "I can either have Trudy going on about Matt and Luke" " or me belly rubbed by Sister George." " Tricky one, bruv!" " You are enjoying this!" " No, I am not!" " You're saying things to annoy him." " OK, I won't say another word." "Right, I'm going out for a walk round the town." "I didn't know you liked uniforms." "No, that's just him mucking about." " Yes?" " Is Rodney back yet?" "Yeah, I'll give him a shout." "Rodney, the Arkela is here!" "We just thought we'd, er, check your passports." " Why do you want to check them?" " It's Spanish regulations." " Immigration laws." " Do you have them, dear?" "Yes." "I'll just get them." " My date of birth's on it!" " I've doctored it." "You've done what?" "!" "It was only in biro." "I made it look as though you were born in 1974." " I don't believe it." " Here they are." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Everything's in order." "Sorry to bother you." "Oh, Rodney, don't forget the junior disco on Wednesday." "We start at 7.30." "It's great fun." "We have break-dancing and spot prizes." "Smashing." " Cheerio." " Thanks very much." "Bye-bye!" "Gawd, stone me!" "We should keep our heads down." "I'll order some room service." "No!" "We're all right now." "Why don't you go out for a little while?" "You look like you need some fresh air." "Oh, yeah!" "Yeah, you're right, I do feel a bit claustrophobic." "Well, I'll leave you two alone, then, shall I?" "Yeah." " Rodney?" " Yeah?" "They're in my flight bag." "("BIRDIE SONG" PLAYS)" "He said he fell down with them!" " You two better go." "I'll see you later." " Promise!" "Off you go." " All right?" " No." "I want Rodney and I to be together." "Rodders, OK?" "Ooh, that's charming, that is." "Ooh!" "He'll lose brownie points for that one!" " Still, he seems to be enjoying himself." " He's not." "Last night he cried." "Why do you think he's doing it?" "It's not for me." "If we were here on our own, we'd have been out on the street after we'd landed." " He's doing this for you." " Really?" "Would I lie to you?" "He wants to see you having a good time." "He's only trying to make you happy." "At least smile and show his sacrifices aren't in vain." " I didn't realise." " There you are." "I had to tell you, you forced my hand." " Hello, here he is." " I'll be back in a minute!" " Having fun?" " Groovy." "You didn't get me a drink?" "I'll get my own." " Don't get stroppy." " Large Bacardi and Coke." "And an orange cordial with ice and a straw." "I'm gonna tell them the truth." "I don't care if they chuck us out on the street." "Just think of number one." "What about that poor mare?" "She's having the time of her life." " Are we talking about Cassandra?" " Yes, she just told me." "Last night she said she hated it." "Said she'd rather be self-catering in Beirut." "She's only doing that for you 'cause you're upset because you have to play ping-pong and eat hamburgers." "She's only backing you up." "But secretly she's really enjoying herself." " Go and ask her." " I didn't know that." "I had to tell you, you forced it out of me." "Ah, cheers." "OK, there you go." "Come and ask her." " So, are you enjoying yourself?" " Yeah, I'm having a great time." "You?" "Yeah, cosmic." "Wish we were here for a fortnight!" " Enjoying yourself, Del?" " Not bad, I s'pose." "I..." "Oh, be with you in a minute, sweethearts." "I promised to take them two to a nightclub." "I may be back late!" " Finals of the break-dancing contest!" " God!" " D'you fancy watching?" " Watching?" "I'm IN it." "John..." "Er, Juan!" "Can I have a pina colada with Alka Seltzer?" " Del!" " Yeah?" " Where were you?" " Out all night." "You said we was on a roll, but it's an avalanche!" " I'm not with you." " We've won!" " What?" " We've won!" " The break-dancing?" " The lottery tickets!" "We've won!" " You're winding me up!" " No, Carmen gave us this paper." " Cassie did Spanish in school." "Look!" " Where?" " Bloody hell!" " It's a million pesetas!" "A million!" "A million!" "You know what this means?" "We're millionaires!" "What have I said over the years?" ""This time next year, we'll be millionaires"!" " But it's only a million pesetas!" " Only?" "!" "I don't care if it's pesetas, potatoes or luncheon vouchers." "We're rich!" "# If I was a rich man, Da-da-da-da-da-da-da!" "#" " Wait." "We're in Spain, we're foreigners." " So?" "There might be a law saying foreigners can't win Spanish kitties." " Why did the man sell you the tickets?" " For more commission." "Come on, Del, not even you would..." "They've got a rule." "I know they have." "There you are." "I've heard the marvellous news." "Congratulations." "Just double-check that for us, will you?" "Yes, certainly." "No doubt this is the winning ticket." "I can ring the organisers and stake your claim." " But we're foreigners..." " How do you mean?" " Is there a rule that foreigners can't win?" " We sell tickets to guests from all over." " Can you check the rules?" " They're on the back in Spanish." "Er..." ""Non-citizens of Spain must present their passport with the winning ticket."" "You've just won a million pesetas!" "Oh, dear!" "Oh, dear, oh, dear." " What's the matter, Alan?" " I don't know how to say this..." " I'm afraid you can't claim a penny." " But we've got the winning ticket!" " I checked the numbers." " You checked yourself!" "The numbers are correct." "It's the winning ticket." "But it's got Rodney's name on it." "Under Spanish law, nobody under 18 is allowed to gamble." "Ah, no, but he isn't." "He's over 18." "Aren't you?" "His passport states clearly he was born in 1974." "No, no, I can prove it!" "I got my student card and it's got my date of birth on it." " And it's got an official stamp on it." " Listen... (BOTH) "Rodney Trotter, born 2nd November 1974."" "It's only money, bruv." " Look at the time." "I've gotta go upstairs..." " Come here!" "# We've got some half-price cracked ice and miles and miles of carpet tiles" "# TVs, deep freeze and David Bowie LPs" "# Ball games, gold chains, what's-their-names and at a push" "# Some Trevor Francis tracksuits from a mush in Shepherd's Bush" "# Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush" "# No income tax, no VAT" "# No money back, no guarantee" "# Black or white, rich or broke" "# We'll cut prices at a stroke" "# God bless Hooky StreetI" "# Viva Hooky StreetI" "# Long live Hooky StreetI" "# C'est magnifique, Hooky StreetI" "# Magnifique, Hooky StreetI" "# Hooky StreetI #"