"It's 11:00, 99." " I better check in with CONTROL." " Right." "Hello, this is 86 calling CONTROL." "This is 86 calling CONTROL." "Come in, CONTROL." "Max, that's the cigarette lighter." "The radio's beside it." "Oh, thank you, 99." "The last time I tried to call CONTROL I burnt my tongue." "Hello, this is 86 calling CONTROL." "This is 86 calling CONTROL." "Come in, CONTROL." "Yes, Max." "Oh, hi, Chief." "We've been watching" "Dobring's barbershop all morning." "Anything unusual?" "Well, two congressmen, a supreme court justice and Senator Edwards went in." "Did you find out anything that we don't know?" "Yes, Chief." "Senator Edwards wears a toupee." "Keep watching, Max." "We have reason to believe that that barbershop is a KAOS front." "Listen, Chief, I'm a little tired." "You know, I was up all night." "Max, this is important." "The man we suspect of being Mr. K, the top financial genius of KAOS, has been seen going into that barbershop." "Well, okay, Chief." "I'll stay on the job." "Listen, Max, if you're tired, why don't you take a nap?" "I'll wake you if anything happens." "No thank you, 99." "I couldn't sleep." "When I sense danger, every fiber of my being is on full alert." "I understand, but let me know if you change your mind." "( armored car doors open and close )" "Chief, this is 99." "An armored car has just pulled up in front of the barbershop." "Yes, just a minute." "I'll let you speak to him." "Max, wake up." "Max." "Wake up?" "I'm not asleep." "Where am I?" "The Chief wants to talk to you." "Morning, Chief." "Max, what do you make of that truck in front of the barbershop?" "Well, there doesn't seem to be anything unusual, Chief." "They're just making a routine delivery of a bunch of towels in an armored truck." "Doesn't it strike you as unusual that they deliver laundry in an armored truck?" "Maybe they're expensive towels." "Max, it's obvious that they are picking up money, not laundry." "When the truck leaves, follow it." "Right, Chief." "I'll stay with them." "Max, have they noticed you watching them?" "No, Chief, they're not at all suspicious." "( machine gun firing )" "Max!" "Max, what happened?" "Well, Chief, the truck got away." "But don't worry, I'm proceeding to the corner of 6th and Main." "Is that a CONTROL checkpoint?" "No, it's a used-car lot." "( theme music playing )" "We're going to have to send a man in to infiltrate that barbershop." "Now, if we can do it successfully, we'll be able to learn how KAOS finances their evil schemes." "Maybe they're playing the stock market, Chief." "No, Max, I don't think so." "It's much more likely that they get their money by robbery, extortion and blackmail." "You're probably right." "A lot of people don't trust the market these days." "I want you to both step up here." "I'm going to put a picture on and I want you to look at it very carefully." "Now, do either one of you know who that is?" " 99:" "No." " Max:" "No, Chief." "Well, he's obviously a convict, but more important is his former occupation." "Hmm." "Well, judging from the little, beady, shifty eyes," "I'd say politician." "No, Max." "Disc jockey?" "No." "Jaywalker?" "Safecracker." "Hey, that was fun, Chief." "Can we play another round?" "Max, that is Jimmy Ballantine, the best safecracker the underworld has every produced." "He's so adept at opening locks that when he first went to prison they had to weld him into a cell." " Go on, Chief." " Thank you." "Now..." "Ballantine is being released in a couple of days." "We know he's been contacted by KAOS, but we don't know what they want him for." "Considering his particular skill, it's safe to assume they want him to break into something." "How do we know this, Chief?" "Ballantine told us." "He wants to go straight." "Then you want an agent to take Ballantine's place." "Exactly." "We planted a story to the effect that Ballantine was burned in a laundry accident in prison." "That will give us an excuse to disguise our man's face in bandages." "Chief, I'd like to volunteer." "It sounds like a suicide assignment, Chief." "I'd like to volunteer to find a volunteer." "Let's see..." "Ballantine is 5'9"." "Max is 5'9"." "Ballantine weighs 150 lbs." "Max weighs 150 lbs." "Ballantine has a brilliant, agile, alert mind." "Oh." "Chief, I want this assignment." "I'll tell you right now, Max-- one slip and they'll kill you." "I laugh at danger." "They might torture you." "Well, that's the way it goes, Chief." "You laugh a little, you cry a little." "You are almost a perfect physical match for Ballantine." "Okay, Max, the job is yours." "But Max doesn't know anything about opening a safe, Chief." "Ballantine has agreed to give our man a crash course in safecracking." "He claims he can do it in a few hours." "Well, that's it, Chief." "I'm off." "All right, Max." "Oh, one more thing, Chief." " What?" " Where am I off to?" "Federal prison." "I'll meet you in the warden's office tomorrow." "Warden, do you mind if I lock the door?" "This is top security." "Warden:" "Oh, I understand." "I must say I appreciate your cooperation in this matter." "Well, I'm glad to help out any way I can." "I am very impressed with what I've seen of the prison." "Thank you." "We try to keep the men here from being aware that they're confined, removed from the world in a prison." "How long have you been warden here?" "Six years, three months, 11 days." "You must be doing an excellent job." "The men seem very well behaved." "Yes, we try to give them a little warmth and understanding along with the constant beatings." " ( knocking on door )" " That must be Ballantine." "Just a moment, it's locked." "Ballantine, how many times do I have to tell you wait until I unlock the door?" "Max, this is Jimmy Ballantine, the man you are going to impersonate." "Oh, glad to meet you, Ballantine, I'm Maxwell Smart." "Sorry, I don't shake hands." "In my line of work, I don't take any chances with my fingers." " I understand." " Why don't you two go in the other room?" "There are several combination safes you can work on." "Come along, Ballantine." "Now, Max, you pay strict attention to what he says." " Your life may depend on it." " Right, Chief." "Yeah, use the bandages so you can get used to them." "Oh, I am used to them, Chief." "You haven't had much time to practice." "Don't worry, Chief, I feel like I've been wearing them for weeks." "Oof." "Sorry about that." "I hope it works out." "He's a very intelligent man." "Yes, 86 is one of our best agents." "I didn't mean him." "I meant Ballantine." "The secret to this whole business is in listening with your fingers." " Listening with your fingers." " That's right." "I'll explain the whole thing to you in a minute." "First, let's limber up our hands like so." "Now, this kind of work needs long, sensitive fingers." "They kind of run in my family." "I've got two brothers who are concert piano players." "That's interesting." "And you became a safecracker." "Yeah, somebody had to support them." "Okay, Smart, watch me work." "( clicking )" "See what I mean, Smart?" "I'm listening with my fingers." "That's fantastic." "This is like a piggy bank for me." "Mmm." "Listen, what are you going to do when you get out?" "Going to be a TV repairman." "I thought you were going straight." "Okay, Smart." "You try it now." "Now, when your fingers hear the tumblers click, go in the other direction." "I think I better try my left hand." "My right hand is hard of hearing." "You ought to try some sandpaper." "Sandpaper?" "Don't be ridiculous, Ballantine." "It would take years to open this safe with sandpaper." "On your fingertips-- makes you hear better." "Like so." "They feel sensitive now?" "Well, three of them are sensitive, two of them are bleeding." "Warden, what time is Ballantine scheduled to be released?" " 2:00." " It's almost that now." " Better get Smart in here." " How's it going, Ballantine?" "To tell you the truth, not too good." "I was afraid of that." "If all safecrackers were like him, banks could keep their money in cardboard boxes." "Max:" "Ballantine..." "Max, come in here, please." "I'm having a little trouble with this one, Ballantine." "Okay, I'll open it for you." "Max, it's almost time for you to be released." "They'll probably be waiting for you outside." "I'm ready, Chief." "You've been a lot of help, Ballantine." "Thanks a lot." " You're welcome." " After this case is over," "I'll drop into your repair shop and bring my TV set." "If you live that long." "Let's go, Ballantine." "Now, Max, there isn't much time, so pay attention and listen carefully." "They'll probably take you right to the barbershop." "Ah, that's a bad break, Chief." " Why?" " I just had a haircut." "Max, concentrate." "As soon as you find out what KAOS wants, call us on your shoe phone and we'll give you" " the combination of the safe." " Gotcha, Chief." "Now, 99 has gotten a job as a manicurist in the barbershop." "Oh, nobody told me 99 was leaving CONTROL." "The point is, she's been planted there to assist you." "Chief, could I ask a silly question?" "( groans )" "Why bother giving us the combination?" "Why not just catch us in the act?" "Because we're letting them get away with the money." "Do I get to keep my share?" "No, Max." "Now, as soon as they take that money, we'll follow them." "That should lead us to Mr. K, the head man of KAOS' financial section." "Now, Max, from the moment you leave this prison, you're Jimmy Ballantine, safecracker." "Your life depends on it." " Good luck, Max." " Sorry, Chief, I don't shake hands." "In my business, you don't take chances with your fingers." "Well, KAOS will never know that I'm not Jimmy Ballantine." "So don't worry about a thing, Chief." "Well, maybe you could worry that much." "Would you believe that much?" "The B-89 can do 3000 miles per hour at an altitude of 90,000 feet, but on the other hand, the ICBM-117 is 50% faster and 60% cheaper." "By the way, Dobring, what does "ICBM" stand for again?" ""Intercontinental Ballistic Missile."" "Of course." "I keep forgetting." "There you are, General." "You know what I like about you, Dobring?" "You don't chatter away like most barbers." "You're a good listener." "Thank you, General." "See you next week." " ( door chimes jingle ) - ( door closes )" "Send this reel of tape to KAOS." "Ballantine." "Can I help you, sir?" "Yes, I'd like a manicure." "Of course." "The name please?" "Ballantine, Jimmy Ballantine." "Won't you have a seat, Mr. Ballantine?" "Oh, Miss Evans?" "Yes, Mr. Dobring." "Mr. Ballantine would like a manicure." "And be careful." "Before he left, your last customer needed a transfusion." "Sorry about that." "Miss Evans will take good care of you, sir." "I certainly hope so." "I have very sensitive fingers." "My, you haven't had a manicure for a long time." "I've been away for three to five years." "How's it going, 99?" "Max, I think this barbershop is a KAOS clearing-house for everything-- money, information and agents." " Ouch." " I'm sorry, sir." "Is Agent 13 here?" "Yes, he's in the back room, to the right of the water fountain." " Ow!" " Ooh, I am sorry, sir." "I knew I'd be facing danger, but I didn't think it would be from you." "Everything all right, sir?" "Yes, fine, thank you." "Oh, do you have a water fountain?" "Yes, sir, right back there." "Would you excuse me for a moment, Miss Evans?" "Certainly." "13?" "13?" "Where are you, 13?" "Is that you, 86?" "What have you learned?" "I've learned to hate the spy business." "That's what I've learned." "All CONTROL does is lock me up in solitary." "I might as well be a KAOS man." "You should be ashamed of yourself." "I'm sorry, 86." "I didn't mean that." "It's just that when I signed up to be a secret agent," "I thought I'd be shot or stabbed." "I never thought I'd be melted." "Easy, 13, just keep cool." "Well, that's easy for you to say." "Since I've been in here, I've lost 10 lbs and my ammunition is about to explode." "Listen, is there another entrance to this barbershop?" "13?" "13?" "Could I trouble you for a glass of cold water?" "Haven't you learned anything?" "What have you been doing in there all day?" "KAOS is planning a huge job." "That's what they need Ballantine for." "Oh, that's good." "After you've opened the safe, they're planning to kill you." "That's bad." "Well, good luck, 86." "Thanks, 13." "Keep your eyes open." "Yes, I try, 86, but I keep fainting." "Everything all right, sir?" "Yes, I was just very thirsty, that's all." "Why don't you sit here, Mr. Ballantine?" "Oh, Miss Evans, would you get me a bottle of hair tonic" " from the back room, please?" " Yes, sir." "Here, Mr. Ballantine, let me make you more comfortable." "What happened to my customer?" "He had to leave." "He just remembered a previous appointment." "How do we know you are the real Ballantine?" "Well, who else would I be?" "Who knows?" "You could be a CONTROL agent." " ( growls )" " No, Rex." "I'll tell you when." "If you are the real Ballantine, perhaps you could answer a few simple questions." "Shoot." "That's only a figure of speech." "What was the date of the Brinks robbery?" "January 17, 1950." "The take was $2,345,000." "Who was the last man elected to the underworld hall of fame?" "Willie Sutton." "He was named on 91 % of the ballots." "What was the nickname of the man who drove the getaway car in the Van Allen heist?" " Can I ask you a question?" " Go ahead." "Is two out of three passing?" "In this case, yes." "There was no Van Allen heist." "Welcome to KAOS, Ballantine." "Thank you." "What's the caper?" "The vault in the Federal Reserve Bank-- $5,000,000 in cash." "Oh?" "When?" "lmmediately." "Can you handle it?" "I think so." "For your sake, I hope so." "Popov will give you the details." "One more thing, Ballantine-- give me your shoes." "My shoes?" "Why?" "Don't you remember, Ballantine?" "On your last job you slipped and fell against the burglar alarm." "Popov will provide a pair of tennis sneakers." "But these are my lucky moccasins." "Give me your shoes, Ballantine." "Now go get ready." " Rex." " ( growls )" "Don't forget-- after Ballantine opens the safe, shoot him." "( growls )" "I thought that would cheer you up." "Chief, I don't know what's happened to Max." "He was supposed to contact me on his shoe phone but I haven't heard from him." "Do you think something's gone wrong?" "Knowing Max, I'm sure of it." "Were you able to find out anything at all?" "Well, I had a few seconds to talk to Agent 13, and he said something about a bank job tonight." "If Max doesn't call, I can't give him the combination to the vault." "If he can't open it, they'll kill him." "What are we going to do, Chief?" "We've got to gamble." " Man:" "Yes, sir." " Contact the Federal Reserve Board." "I want the vaults of every bank in the Washington area left open tonight." "Did you say "open"?" "You heard me-- open." "The biggest bank robbery in history." "$5,000,000 for the KAOS treasury." "Are you sure you want to go through with this thing, Dobring?" "What are you talking about?" "Well, first of all, it's dishonest." "( laughs ) You have a sense of humor, Ballantine." " Thank you." " But I don't like it." "Open the safe." "Quickly, we don't have time to waste." " Well, all I can do is try." " ( growls )" "But if he bites me, I'll sue you." "Hurry, Ballantine." "Don't rush me." "I've got to warm up my fingers." "That's enough." "I'll say when it's enough." " ( gun clicks )" " It's enough." "What are you doing?" "Don't you know anything about safecracking?" "I'm listening with my fingers." "Well, Ballantine?" "Gentlemen, I've got a confession to make." "He opened it." "You're kidding!" "( growls )" "You know, you probably have distemper." "Why don't you see a veterinarian?" "I'll take care of the money, Popov." "You take care of Ballantine." "Wait a minute, what's going on here?" "Turn around, Ballantine, with your hands up." "I sure hate a crook who can't be trusted." " Rex." " ( growls )" "Sic him!" "( bullet ricochets )" "What happened?" "Bulletproof bandages." "( grunts )" "Max, are you all right?" "Yes, 99, I think so." "But I've got a headache you wouldn't believe." " So you are not Ballantine." " No, I'm not." "I'm Maxwell Smart" " Agent 86." "How do you like that?" "He did a lousy job." "Who?" "Whoever gave you your last haircut." "Come on, Dobring." "Let's go." "We picked up Dobring outside." "We didn't get their mysterious Mr. K, but we've broken up their bank-robbing unit thanks to you, Max." "You know something, Chief?" "I still can't get over the fact that you were prepared to let them get away with $5,000,000." "Well, it wasn't much of a risk, Max." "Here, look at this." "This is one of the bills that they took from the vault." "A $1000 bill." "So what?" "It's bogus money, Max." " Are you sure, Chief?" " I'm positive." "That's funny." "Feels real." "Looks real." "It's even got a picture of President Goldwater on it." "Max..." "Goldwater lost the election by 17,000,000 votes." "Oh, yes, I remember now." "Missed it by that much." "Well, it's been a good night's work, Max." "I think we've broken the back of KAOS's financing system." "They'll have to think of some other way to pay for their evil schemes." "Think of it-- if we could dry up their money source completely, they'd be out of business." "Wait a minute, Chief." "If KAOS goes out of business, what happens to us?" "Well, I guess the CONTROL organization would be out of business too." "There wouldn't be any need for us." "Well, that's okay for you." "You're an old man." "You can retire on your pension." "But what about me?" "I don't know anything but being a secret agent." "What are you trying to say, Max?" "Well, maybe we can get together and give KAOS enough money to keep going for a few years." "Max, that's a ridiculous notion." "That would be like the police cooperating with organized crime." "How would you like that?" "Well, it seems to work in the major cities." "Look, Max, help me take the rest of these bags into the vault and we can all go home." "I'm sorry, Chief." "I can't lift any of that heavy stuff." "I have to be very careful of my sensitive fingers." "There may be a whole career for me as a professional safecracker." "Tell him, 99." "Tell me what?" "Max, you didn't open that vault." "What are you talking about, 99?" "Of course I opened that vault." "What do you think, the bank left the door open?" "Yes, Max." "That's exactly what happened." "Oh, really?" "Well, I'll just show you that I can open any safe." "( Chief taps )" "I have a hunch that's The Chief." "Max, you've got to get him out of there." "Don't worry, 99." "I'm used to dealing with big babies like this." "I'll have him out in two shakes of a lamb's tail." "Would you believe three shakes?" "Max, we can't leave him in there overnight." "There's not enough air." "He'll suffocate." "( Chief tapping )" "Wait a minute, 99, he's using code." "At least we can communicate with him." "What did you say, Max?" "I asked him how long he could hold his breath." "( Chief tapping )" "Chief, watch your language." "There's a lady outside!" "( tapping continues )" "( theme music playing )"