"Need to get the Santa out of here." "Why come?" "Number one, it's spring." "It's not winter." " Spring." " So?" "Secondly, you don't even work here." "When are you gonna stop putting all your shit all around all over the place?" " Third..." " Mm-hmm." "...Santa Claus ain't even of African descent." "Oh, yeah, that's it there." "I was waiting for that." "You do realize Santa Claus ain't even a real person." "You can make him whatever color you want to." "No." "Charlie Brown ain't real." "Charlie Brown real?" "Well, hell, no." "Well, you ain't gonna draw a picture of a little black kid, round head, curly-squiggly hair and call him a "Peanuts" comic." "Well, you could if you wanted to." "Well, you could physically, but you can't." "Yes, you could." "All right, fine." "You could." "But you gotta get rid of the damn Santa." "And I got news for you, too." "If some black man came down my chimney wearing a red jogging suit," "I'd blow a hole right through his red hat." "How's that..." "What?" "Oh, no, no." "No, no, man." "I just need a loan on my shotgun." "Well... honest." "What... what's wrong with you kids?" "Coming into a man place of business pointing a shotgun at people." "I'm sorry." "I didn't mean to cause no fuss." "You know the pawn shop business is a dangerous game." "Damn right." "My brother, he move out West, opened a pawn shop." " Found him in the basement, dead." " I remember that." "Oh, yeah?" "What happened to him?" "I'd rather not talk about it." "You're lucky..." "I didn't blow a hole through your head." "Well, how was you gonna do that with your hands up in the air?" "Shut up." "Give me the gun." "Well, I'll give you 20." "Oh, come on, now." "Come on." "50." "No." " 40." " No." " 30?" " Nope." "25." " No." " Come on, man." "Shit." "Well, all right." "Hey." "Whoo!" "Hey, man, is Vern there yet?" "No, he late." "Hey, where you at, man?" "Don't worry, I'll be there in a minute." "You just keep his ass there, huh?" "'Cause I've been up for three days since we smoked that shit and I'm beginning to hallucinate, man." "Ah!" "God!" "On my way here, when I was driving in, I saw the King, man." "I swear I saw Elvis walking through town square." "I can't be robbing no people when I'm fucked up like this, man." "Hey." "Quit being a pussy." "I'll be there in a minute, all right?" "You just keep Vernon there 'cause I'm gonna fuck his ass up." "Shit!" "Jesus Christ, man." "Thank God, man." "Where the hell have you been?" "Oh, I had to pawn my shotgun to get gas money." "Man, how the hell we gonna rob Stanley without a shotgun?" " Well, how was I supposed to get here?" " You stupid fuck!" "How was I supposed to get here without gas?" "I would've come and picked you up, dumbass." "Listen, don't you think this whole robbing Stanley thing is stupid anyway?" "And why the fuck we gotta meet out in this field?" "You are so fucking stupid, man." "'Cause it's top secret shit, that's why!" "So fields is the place for top secret meetings, huh?" "Why are you so damn worried about the gun anyhow?" "There's three of us and only one of him." "We just go in there, we beat him down, we take the meth, we get out of there." " It's easy." " You're so stupid, man." " What?" " The guy is a fucking geeked-out, hillbilly, drug-cooking, dumb shit." "You don't think he has a fucking arsenal of weapons laying around his fucking house?" "You don't think he ain't got his head out the window every five minutes peeking 'round to see what the fuck's going on?" "You know this shit fucking makes you paranoid, man." "Speaking of dope, man, you got any on you?" "Hell, no." "That dickhead at the pawn shop only gave me 20 on the gun." "So I only got enough for gas..." "What the fuck, man?" "!" "Shit!" "What the fuck, man?" "That son of a bitch stole $80 out of my sock drawer." " No, he didn't." " Bullshit!" "Randy, he didn't fucking take shit." " Vern didn't steal anything, man." " How the fuck do you know?" "Because he just pawned the goddamn shotgun so he could put some fucking gas in his car, man." "And he didn't have no meth, either." "So clearly, he ain't got no extra cash." "Huh." "Well, shit." "Wait, he pawned the shotgun?" "How the fuck are we supposed to rob Stanley?" "I don't know, Randy." "Fuck, man, why you gotta go and run Vernon over?" "I mean, shit, what makes you think he stole it in the first place?" "Lamar told me he took it." " Oh, Lamar did." " Mm-hmm." "You mean the crackhead?" "You mean that lying, fucking cheating thief?" "That Lamar?" "You stupid fuck!" "He gets his hair cut at Cook's!" " He said he seen Vernon take it." " That don't mean shit, man!" "I mean, Jesus Christ!" "You fucking... you ran fucking Vernon's ass over, man." "You could've fucking asked him first." "What the fuck?" "Instead you trust some dude's word with the name of fucking "stinky nuts."" "Made sense at the time, all right?" "Man, we gotta do something." "We gotta take him to a hospital or something." "This gurgling shit, this ain't normal, man." "I ain't taking his ass nowhere and getting locked up." " Well, we can't just leave him here." " Move." "See?" "He's fine." "Let's go get my money from Lamar." "Good afternoon." "I'm Connie Swanson." "And I'm here with a man who helps save lives by day and is the King by night." " Hi." " Meet Ricky Baldoski." "He's a volunteer emergency medical service technician by day and, as you can probably guess, does Elvis tribute shows by night." " That's right." "I'm Ricky Baldoski." " Yes." "Tell us who some of your big influences are, Ricky." "Well, definitely." "The King, um, King, and the King." " KKK all the way." " You can catch Ricky..." " Wait, no..." " ...this weekend performing his tribute performance to the King." "God bless America!" "...Irwin County Fair." "Back to you, Michael." "Lamar!" "You lying bastard." "Vern didn't steal my money, you did." "No, I didn't." "Bullshit." "I know it was you 'cause it sure as hell wasn't Vernon and you're the one who lied." "Oh." "Oh, man." "I guess it was me, man." "What the..." "I fucking knew it." "You give me my money, you lying piece of shit." " I don't have it." " What?" "Where is it?" "Where is it?" "It's in the air, man." "I smoked it up." "$80 since this morning?" "What the fuck?" "!" "We gonna kick your ass, Lamar." "We gonna fuck you up good." "'Cause of you, old Vern got killed." "And that shit ain't cool, man." "There's getting high and there's getting a brother fucking ran over!" "God damn it, bro!" "Kick his ass!" "I oughta kick your fucking ass, Lamar." "Randy, don't, man." "You got a gun, huh?" " Huh?" " No." " We need a gun." " Hey, hey, we could ask Don." "Don will have a gun." "Yeah." "We gonna go get the gun and we gonna come back and shoot you." " Right?" " Don't you steal shit while I'm gone." "Okay?" "Okay." "Is that my Styx CD in your pants?" " Huh?" " God damn it." "Yeah." "Fuck, Lamar!" "Put it back, Lamar." " I ain't fucking around." " Sorry, man, it was right here." "I was warming it." "It's your fucking ass now." "You're fucking dead, Lamar." "Kick his fucking ass, Randy." "What the fuck?" "What, you ain't gonna kick his fucking ass?" "Shut the fuck up." "We gonna come back and kick your fucking ass!" "Oh, shit!" "Fuck, man!" "You guys are fuckin' mean, man." "Yeah, so we just wanna borrow your gun for a couple of hours and we'll bring it right back." "Get the fuck outta here." "What the fuck, man?" "I can't believe that fuck-mouth slammed the door in my face." "I should've kicked his ass." "That's what I should've fucking done." " Yep." " Dumb motherfucker." "Hey... didn't we borrow his lawn mower one time and then we sold it instead of taking it back to him?" "I want that machine back tomorrow, you understand?" "Yeah, yeah, you got it." "You got it." "Thanks, Mr. Don." "Huh." "Oh." " No wonder he's so fucking pissed." " Yeah." "Hey, man, I've gotta ask you something." "Yeah?" "What is it?" "Look, don't be giving me no bullshit about how you can't believe I don't know and stuff, though, okay?" "Fine." "What is it?" "I'm serious, man." "You can't be calling me dumbass." "For fuck's sakes, all right." "Okay, we've been in the Aryan Confederacy now for about a year, right?" " Yeah." "Uh-huh." " Okay." "There's one thing I don't understand." "Would you just spit it out, Raw Dog?" "Man, you're freaking me out." " Fuck." " Okay." "Okay." "I understand why we're supposed to hate niggers, okay." " Yeah." " They look different, they walk different, they talk different." "I get it, okay." "But Jews, man, why are supposed to hate the Jews?" "I just found out Jerry Springer was a Jew." "Jerry fucking Springer, man." "If I seen him in the street," "I would kiss his ass and ask him for an autograph." "I got three Adam Sandler DVDs at home and I just found out he's a Jew, too." "If I was in a building and 10 Jews sit down next to me," "I wouldn't even know it." "So what's the difference?" "They got money?" "Well, money ain't so bad." "Shit, I wish I had some money." "They got big noses." "At least they're supposed to." "Damn Teddy's got a nose that's bigger than this whole damn truck and he ain't Jewish." "So, what, are we supposed to hate him?" "For crying out loud." "Jesus is a Jew, man." "I mean, we're talking Jesus." "We go to church every Sunday and we pray to the King of the Jews, man." "Well?" "Now you listen and you listen good." "If you repeat this, so help me God," "I will run your ass over, too." "I don't know, either, man, all right?" "I don't know, either." "I mean, hell, I don't even hate black people." "Tyrone and Bert are some of my best buddies." " You know them, right?" " Yeah, man." "They're cool, too." "Yeah." "I mean, do you know how awkward it is when I got to leave the card game early to go to my white supremacist meeting?" "I mean, they seem to understand, but, hell, it's just..." "The only reason I started going in the first place is 'cause Greg's wife puts out that little buffet table with them meatballs and them little smoky wieners." " Yeah, them are good, too." " Hell, yeah, they're good." "Fuck." "Next thing I know, I'm going to every meeting, you know." "Full-blown member." "Got the tats and everything." "So we're pretty much on the same page, then." "Sounds like it." "We ain't even really white supremacists at all, are we?" "Guess not." "Should we still be going to them meetings, Randy?" "Them little smoky wieners sure are good." " Yeah, they're pretty good, all right." " Yeah." "They are good." "Oh, shit!" "What the fuck?" "!" " Oh!" " Shit!" "Hey." "Huh?" "What is that?" "A bow?" "Yeah, it's a bow." "Let's get it." "What are we gonna get that for?" "We gonna rob Stanley with it." "He's taking a..." " Hey!" " Hey." "Oh, shit!" "Come on, let's go." "Come on, Raw Dog." "Come on, man." "Hey!" "Take a guy's bow like that?" "Fucking prick." "Hey, see you later there, cheese dick." "Yeah, Raw Dog!" "Yahoo!" "Shit." "That motherfucker." "You okay?" "I don't think so." "What happened to you?" "This bastard ran me over." "Run over and left for dead, huh?" "Yeah." "Take you to a hospital?" "I don't wanna go to the hospital." "I wanna find those backstabbing cocksuckers." "Revenge, huh?" "That's a dangerous word." "It's appropriate, though, I guess." "You don't look familiar." "You from around here?" "Just passing through." "You sure I can't take you to a hospital?" "No." "I know where them fuckers is gonna be." "I plan on meeting them there." "Only problem is I pawned my shotgun." "I see." "Give me a second." "Now..." "I can't take you there... but I can offer you this." " You'd give me your gun?" " I ain't giving you my gun." "I'm offering you salvation." "What the fuck happened to you back there, huh?" "Froze up like a retard." "I can't have you doing that shit in there." "I seen something." "What?" "I'd rather not say." "Remember when we was talking on the phone," "I told you I'd been up for three days and I started seeing some weird shit?" "Just tell me what you seen." "An army of naked zombie women." "An army of naked zombie women?" "Dear God, are you fucking losing it?" "First Elvis, now this?" "What the... man, pull your shit together, man." " We got a job to do." " I know, man." "That's what I'm saying." "Is this such a good fucking idea?" "Maybe we should just..." "like, we should just rest for a couple days" " and get ourselves a fucking gun." " No." "A proper weapon and then we can go do that shit then." "No, we can't wait." "The fair's right here." "It's making plenty of noise." "All hell breaks loose, ain't nobody gonna hear shit." "Now come on, break out them fucking masks." "Come on." "Let's go." "I got this one for you." "Yeah, buddy." "Whoo-hoo." "Holy shit!" "What the fuck is that?" "It's a fucking mask, man." "It's a fucking clown mask." "Well, we needed two fucking masks." "And I found that there ski mask and then I found this here clown mask." "And for a minute I was thinking maybe I could should go and get another ski mask." "But then I was like, "Why the fuck would I do that?"" "'Cause this mask is gonna work perfectly fine." "I ain't going in there with you wearing a fucking clown mask." "Forget that." "Uh-uh." "Are you scared of clowns or some shit?" "No." "Fuckin' stop it!" "Randy, I'm gonna come and get you in your sleep, boy." "I ain't fucking with you." "Stop it, you fucking bastard." "Okay?" "Stop it." "What the fuck are you laughing at?" "Youse fucking scared of clowns." "I ain't scared of shit." "Fuck it." "Come on, let's go do the goddamn thing." "Fucking asshole." "Fuck you." "What the fuck is this bullshit here?" "Oh, fuck me." "Hey, you put down that there gun or I'm gonna shoot you with this fucking arrow." "Fuck your arrow." "I got a gun." "You put it down." "You put it down and give us all that meth you got cooked up." "Randy?" " Is that you?" " Uh..." " No." " Bullshit!" "That's Raw Dog right there." "No, it ain't." "Do I look like a fucking idiot to you?" "You buy my shit every fucking day." "I know what you sound like." "Wearing a fucking clown mask ain't gonna scare me none." "My name's not Raw Dog!" "I oughta fucking shoot your ass in the head." "Shit, you best get that powder or Raw Dog's gonna shoot your ass in the head." "Aha!" "You just said my fucking name, Randy." "You just said my fucking name!" "Fucking dumbasses." "I told you this was a stupid fucking idea." "Man, my fucking arm's getting tired." "I can't fucking hold this shit any longer." "The bow ain't got nothing to do with it." "It ain't my fault that Stanley sits next to his window all fucking day waiting for shit like this to happen." "Well, what the fuck are we gonna do now, huh?" "Oh, fuck!" "Oh, what the fuck, man?" "Fuck, Randy." "I didn't mean to fucking shoot you." "Oh, what the fuck?" " Fucking dumbass." " Shut the fuck up, Stanley!" "Fuck, man." "What the..." "Does it hurt?" "Fuck, yeah, it hurts, man!" "I hope you two don't do this for a living." "Ah!" "Do I pull it out?" "Do I pull it out?" " What do I do?" " No, I don't think so, man." "What am I gonna do?" " What the fuck?" " You motherfuckers." " Vernon?" " Vernon, you in on this?" "Shut up." "These assholes run me over and left me for dead in the middle of nowhere." "Asshole?" "Vernon, I wasn't the motherfucker that ran you over." "Fuck you, Raw Dog." "You left me there." "Hey, just calm the fuck down, Vernon." "Look, I got a fucking arrow in me, man." "And what the hell are you doing with my clown mask on?" "'Cause it was the only fucking mask I could find, man." "Easy now." "Don't be pointing that shotgun in here." "You know what's gonna happen if you shoot that thing off." "Yeah, you damn right I do." " Shit!" " Die!" "Oh, shit!" "You know, salvation comes in many forms." " Ha!" " Fuck, man!" "Today, it rolled up in a 4x4." "Vernon, you damn fuck!" "Fuck!" "Shit, shit, shit!" "You methy douchebag." "I'm..." " No!" " Step on this, bitch!" "Ah!" "Fine." "If you wanna keep the Santa out there, it'll be Christmas year-round in Irwin, Georgia." "You know you ain't fooling nobody, right?" "It ain't got nothing to do with it being spring time." "You don't like it 'cause he's black." "Why you calling me a racist?" "Well, you don't like black Santa Claus." "And last week, you told me you don't like black porno." "Now hang on a damn minute." "Now that's got nothing to do with racism." "I like black chicks in porno movies." "I just don't like 'em with the black guys in them, that's all." "Why come?" "They make you feel inadequate?" "No." "It's because their dicks are so dark." "They get to fucking, their dicks get wet, they get glisteny and shit, and it's hard for my eyes to unfocus off it." "Make me sick." "Eh, well, I guess you got a point." "Hey, why come you selling that car?" "I told you." "I was up at a four-way stop, a big black 4x4 truck, black tinted windows went out of turn, nearly hit me." "Shit!" "Motherfucker." "Fuck you, shit for brains!" "Learn how to drive!" "Fuckin' creep." "Christ!" " Nut job." " Well, who was it?" "I don't know." "Not from around here." "Had West Virginia plates." "Now every time I take the car out, fucker appears out of nowhere, tries to run me down." "Well, obviously, this boy got himself a mental problem." "Why come you gonna let this one fool make you sell your car?" "Look, he tried to kill me eight times." "That piece-of-shit car ain't worth dying over." "I guess you got a point." "Hi there." "I'm Richard and this is Sandy." "We just got married yesterday." " Congratulations." " Ta-da." "Yeah, look at that." "That's some rock." "Listen, this is gonna sound totally nuts, but we're on our way to Orlando for our honeymoon, and I stopped at an ATM machine and some son of a gun hacked into my account and drained every last dime." "Well, you look pretty chipper for somebody that just got ripped off." "Well, I got news for you, there's absolutely nothing that's gonna bring me down today because I just married the most beautiful woman in the world." "Mwah!" "We're gonna enjoy our honeymoon." "And I'm confident that the bank is gonna straighten everything out." "But until then, we need a little cash for our trip." "We're just gonna need a couple thousand and we'll pick it up on the way back." "Well, I ain't got that kind of cash lying around." "Folks don't come in here with a $10,000 ring." "Here." "Sorry, hon." "Here, here, take a look at this baby right here." "How much can you loan us on this?" "Just for a week or so until the banks get back." "I don't know." "Maybe four or five hundred." "Are you kidding me?" "Four or five hundred." "Can I help you with something there?" "Let me see that ring." "Which one?" "This one here?" "Yes." "Honey, is something wrong?" "Oh, no." "Richard, what's wrong?" "Honey, what's the matter?" "Um..." "I'm gonna need you to wait outside." " What?" " No, no." "Just wait outside." " Honey, can't you just tell me?" " Please." "Outside." "I'll be out in a second." "I'll explain everything." "You okay there, mister?" "Where did you get this ring?" "No, I can't tell you that kind of information." " Where did you get the ring?" " What are you, a parrot?" "I said I can't tell." "Look, you think that ring was stolen from you," " you gotta fill out a police report." " Now, I want you to listen to me." "This ring... this ring belonged to my wife." "Not her." "My first wife Cyndi." "Six years ago," "Cyndi disappeared." "Her car was still in the garage." "There was blood found in the driveway." "So I know she didn't just run away." "That wasn't Cyndi." "No." "She was taken from me without a trace." "And, you know, to make matters worse..." "I seem to be the cops' number-one suspect." "Mm-mm-mm." "And now... six years later, the day after my wedding," "I end up in a pawn shop... what, six, seven, eight states away from my hometown... to find a ring that I had custom-made for her with our names inscribed in the band and you say you can't give out information?" "No." "You'll have to call the cops." " Maybe they can figure it out." " No cops." "I want you to tell me who sold you this ring." "Man, I can't." "All right, you listen to me." "You see that diamond you got in your hand?" "I want you keep that ring." "That's a $17,000 ring, by the way." "All I want in exchange for it is my old ring back plus that shitty hatchback you got for sale out front." "Hmm." "What is it you want?" "How much you give me on this?" "It's a valuable family heirloom." "Belonged to my granny." "She's dead." "It's pretty." "It's pretty." "Well, I'll give you 40." "Deal." "His name's J.J. Thomason." "Might even find him at Lou's Fire Pit in the square." "He's a cook there." "Now don't tell nobody I told you nothing." " Don't." " I..." " Don't say..." " I'm just saying..." "Just don't say nothing." "Richard, what is going on?" " I need you to go back home." " What?" "Take the car and go back to Connecticut." "But... no, no, no, no." "We're on our honeymoon and now you want me to just drive home?" "I wanna know what the hell is going on." "It's a private matter." "Private?" "It's private?" "There is no private." "We just got married." "You can't just drive off without an explanation." "I'm your wife." "I already have a wife." "What are you talking about?" "Why are you doing this to me?" "Richard?" "Richard, come back!" "Richard, don't go." "We're supposed to go to Orlando!" "Richard!" "Say there, missy." "Carlee, I don't suppose that you noticed that I was in town." "I'm doing a tribute show to the King down at the county fair later on." "Big news story about it and everything." "Gonna be on the news later on this afternoon." "Even put a poster in the window." "You should check it out." "It's against the rules." "Management." "Say, I was wondering if maybe you would perhaps be interested in trading a little lunch for a pair of front-row tickets." "I don't go to the fair." "And we only take cash for food here." "Hmm." "How 'bout just a couple scrambled eggs for the tickets?" "We only take cash here, mister." "You are gonna pay for that coffee, right?" " How 'bout the tickets for the coffee?" " It's $1.20." "Um, I'm about 16 cents short here." "How 'bout you take that and the two tickets?" "You can keep 'em, honey." "I can't take this shit no more." "Theresa, hey." "Baby, where are you going?" "Hey there." "Hey there." "Hey there." "Come on, now." "What's your problem?" " What's your problem?" " I can't live like this anymore, Ricky." "Shug, what's the matter?" "We're traveling around." "We're seeing new places." "We're rocking it out to the King." "The places we travel ain't nowhere I wanna see." "We're broke, hungry, your car smells like shit for some reason, and I'm tired of it." "All right, first of all, I do not know what that smell is." "And second of all... this is me, baby." "I'm living the life of the King." "And I ain't giving it up for no one." "You ain't living the life of the King." "You don't have his money, his voice, or his looks." "Well, there is one thing that I do have." "And what's that?" "Skin without worms crawling through it." "I'm sorry, King." "Forgive me." "It was my jealousy." "Hold my hand." "Help me." " King..." " I'm outta here, Ricky." "Outta here?" "Where are you going?" "You're 200 miles from anywhere near anywhere..." "I can get around anywhere I'm at because I got one thing you don't." "Oh, yeah?" "What's that?" "A pussy." "Can't argue with that." "Fine." "Go on." "Get outta here." "You're making a big mistake!" "I'll be at the Ramada Express in no time flat." "They said they'd love to have me back." "That was eight years ago, Ricky." "They didn't say when!" "Hello, sir." "Is your soul saved?" "Fuck off." "I really gotta work on my approach." "I'm looking for J.J." "He's in the back." "I'll let him know you're out here." " Don't bother." " Hey." "You can't go back there." "Hey!" "I said you can't go back there." "Ooh!" "Who's J.J.?" " You J.J.?" " Yeah." "Who the hell are you?" "I told him he couldn't come back here." "Where'd you get this ring?" "What, you a cop?" "No." "Then fuck off." "I asked you nicely." "Get off me!" "Get off me!" "The ring... you gonna tell me where you got it?" "Fuck you!" "You're gonna tell me... where... you got it." " No!" " Two choices:" "tell me where you got the ring or die." "Okay, okay." "It was my uncle." "I stole it from my uncle." " Your uncle?" " Yeah." "Who is he and where do I find him?" "His name is Ben Thomason." "He lives about a mile off the highway on Ivy Street in a gray house next to a purple house." " Can I help you with your bags?" " Jesus Christ!" "You scared the piss outta me." "Who are you?" "That's not important." "What's important is... where did you get this?" "My ring." "That's mine." "Where'd you get it?" "I asked you first." "That's none of your damn business." "Someone stole it from me and I want it back." "Well, I'm afraid you can't have it back." "Somebody stole it from me first." "Now, you wanna tell me where you got this ring?" "You wanna tell me where you got it?" "This is my damn house." "You don't just show up demanding shit around here." "All right, how about this?" "I'll tell you where I got it and then you tell me where you got it." "Deal?" "Deal." "Like I said, this ring was taken from me a long time ago." "But where I got it today was in a pawn shop." "Your nephew sold it there after he stole it from you." "J.J.?" "I fucking knew it." "Oh, that little bitch." "All right, your turn." "I won it in a poker game about a year ago." "Really?" "From who?" "Johnny Shaw." "What can you tell me about him?" "He's a good guy." "Gets his haircut at Doc's, so he's okay by me." "Where does he live?" "I answered the question." "I told you where I got the ring." "That was the deal." "I ain't gonna start giving out information to some guy who just pops up at my house." "Now give me the damn ring." "I don't think so." "It's mine." "No, it was my ring first." "And I'm not leaving here until you tell me where I can find this Johnny Shaw." "No." "No, you ain't leaving here until you give me back my damn ring." "So I guess it's gonna get ugly, then." "Oh, I reckon." "Okay, you son of a bitch... last chance." "Where's Johnny?" "Fuck you." "Fuck you!" "Stubborn son of a bitch." "...lives by day and is the King by night." " Hi." " Meet Ricky Baldoski..." "I'm just living the dream here, you know." "Okay, you can hold it." "You know..." "Just living the dream and traveling around." "You know, uh, see people, go places, like, just rocking it out..." "There we go." "There you are, Johnny." "...some of your big influences are, Ricky." "Well, definitely." "The King, um, King and the King." " KKK all the way." " You can catch Ricky..." " Wait, no..." " ...this weekend performing his tribute performance to the King." "I'd like to just say one word:" "God bless America!" "Irwin County Fair." "Back to you, Michael." "Johnny." " Yes, Johnny." " Yes, Johnny." " Johnny, please give it to me." " Yes, Johnny." " Yeah." " Oh, yeah." "Yeah." "Yes." "Oh, yes, Johnny." "Oh, yeah." "Just like that." "Harder." " Smile, Cyndi." " Stop, I look terrible." "You always look beautiful." "Come on, Cyndi." "Do one more." "How you doing, player?" "I've been better." "I bet you have." "You wanna put it away, Johnny?" "You like to go fishing, do you?" "When I get the time." "You, uh... you wanna tell me why you're in my house with a gun pointed at my head?" "You wanna tell me where you got this ring?" "I ain't never seen it before." "Really?" "Well..." "I hear you lost it in a poker game." "I don't know what you're talking about." "You don't know what I'm talking about?" "Well, there's a picture of my wife, the woman I gave this ring to, on your refrigerator." "You don't know what I'm talking about?" "Say you don't know what I'm talking about again, motherfucker." " Please..." " Say it!" "Go ahead and fucking say it!" " Pl... please." " Shut up!" "You wanna tell me the truth, Johnny?" "I..." "I found a pocketbook." "The ring was in it." "That's all I know." "And the picture?" "Was that in the pocketbook, too?" "Yeah." "And you decided to just hang it up on your fridge?" "Look, I don't know any more." "I found it." "The picture was pretty, so I hung it up." "I can't tell you nothing more." "Look, if you don't believe me, you can just go ahead and kill me." "I'm gonna kill you, Johnny." "Just how long it takes..." "that's up to you." "What the hell did you do to me?" "Sometimes a picture really is worth a thousand words." "Shh." "Check this out." "It's called a flail." "You know, I'd start with this, but then I might as well just... shoot you in the head with that rifle over there 'cause this would kill you pretty quick." "Luckily..." "I stumbled onto these two items laying around your house." "Why don't we get creative?" "It's simple." "Tell me what happened to my wife." ""I don't know" is a bad thing to say, Johnny." "This is just the beginning." "We can do this all day." "Yes, please." "Please, tell me what you did with my wife." "Tell me how you raped and killed her so I can kill you and I can get some fucking closure with my life." "Tell me what you did to my fucking wife!" "And I told you about saying that." "Don't you fuck with me." "Don't fuck with me." "Don't you fuck with me!" "Yes." "Yes." "Cyndi... oh, my God." "Baby, it's okay." "It's okay, I'm here." "I'm here, Cyndi." "I'm here, baby." "I'm gonna get you out." "Cyndi." "Come on, Cyndi." "It's me." "It's me, Richard." "Cyndi, it's your husband." "That's it." "Come on, Cyndi." "Take my hand." "That's it." "That's it." "Come on, that's it." "That's it." "Come on." "Come on." "Don't worry, baby." "I'm not gonna let anything happen to you." "I'm not gonna let anything happen to you." "Wait, Cyndi." "Cyndi." "It's okay." "It's okay." "Cyndi." "Come on." "Take my hand." " I'm gonna take you home now." " I am home." "What?" "Go away." "Cyndi, please, listen to me." "You're not thinking right." "Come on, it's time to go." "Cyndi... it's me, Richard." "Get out." "Listen to me, Cyndi." "This..." "I don't know the term for this, but I saw it on television somewhere, where the... the victim starts to sympathize with the captor." "Well, that's what's happened to you." "You need help." "Just... it's time to go home." "Cyndi, listen to me." "It's time to go home!" "Get out!" "You have her caged like a fucking dog?" "Yeah, well, unfortunately," "I haven't been a man of my word lately." "How do you like this?" "You son of a bitch!" "She's my wife!" "My wife!" "My ever-loving wife, you son of a bitch!" "Who's the bitch now?" "Get out." "Come on, we're going." "I'm gonna get you help." "Come on." "Let's go." "I'm sorry, baby." "I'm sorry." "It's just you're not..." "you're not thinking straight." "I can't even imagine what you've been through." "But, please... you gotta trust me." "You trusted me before." "All right, you ready?" "Let's go." " I can't leave." " What?" "I'm number one." "Number one?" "I'm number one." "I..." "I've got my own silo." "And Johnny lets me go in and watch TV sometimes." "There's others?" "Yeah?" "Yeah, but..." "I..." "I'm number one." "Come on, let's go." " I can't..." " Come on." "What the fuck did he do to you?" "Oh." "It's okay." "Come on." "Get you outta here." "Come on." "Out." "There's soap and hot water in the house." "Call for help." "You're free to go back to your lives." "They cannot go in the house." "I'm number one and I'm not even allowed to use the phone." "Well, it's time to go." "I can't go." "Get in the car, would ya?" "Do you even remember me?" "Well, then you know I'm not gonna hurt you." "Come on, it's time to go." "I'm gonna get you some clothes." "But for now..." "I'm..." "I'm not allowed to wear clothes." "Hey, you're allowed to do whatever you want." "You're not a slave and neither are those other women." "Put..." "You shouldn't have let them in his house." "They're not allowed, just me." "Twice a week for 30 minutes." "Stop saying that!" "Hey..." "Look." "Cyndi... do you remember this?" "This ring?" "This is the ring that I had made for you." "This is the ring that you used to wear." "You won't believe how I found it." "I was with..." "Well, I wound up in a pawn shop... and there it was." "It was like God brought me there." "Give me your hand." "We should call Johnny and let him know where I'm at because I..." "I really shouldn't be gone for too long." "Cyndi," "Johnny's dead." "What?" "You don't have to worry about him anymore." "He's dead." " Wait, what?" " You're safe with me." "How did he die?" "Cyndi, I stabbed him in the chest." "I watched him take his last breath as he whimpered like a little bitch." "You... you killed him?" "Yeah, that's right, I killed him." "I only wish he was still alive so I could kill him again." "Bastard." "Who's a ba..." "I'm a bastard?" "I'm a bastard?" "Aw, Cyndi, come on." "He had you living in a cage filled with your own piss and shit for six years." "And I'm the bastard?" "Oh, he let you watch TV a couple times a week?" "Well, I bought you a goddamn TV and a house and every other goddamn thing you wanted, Cyndi." "I don't believe this." "I'm a bastard?" "Look, I'm sorry." "I can't even imagine, pumpkin, what you've been through." "You son of a bitch!" "Motherfucker!" "You killed Johnny, you motherfucker!" "I was at the top of the pyramid!" "Now I'm going to be nothing, like you!" " Stop it, Cyndi!" " Do you know how many other girls" "I had to piss on to get on top of that fucking pyramid," " you son of a bitch?" " I love you!" "Ah!" "Hello?" "Hey, babe." "It's me." "What the hell do you want?" "I think I made a big mistake." "How about turning around and picking me up?" "We can still make it to Orlando in time for our reservation." "Richard... fuck you!" "But, babe..." "Babe?" "I should've seen that coming." "Oh man." "Come on, sug." "Come on, baby." "Come on." "Good girl." "Good girl." "Good girl." "Hang in there." "Son of a... oh." "No, no, no." "No, no, not now." "Not... not now." "No, no, please, please." "Come on." "I'm begging you, sweetheart." "Come on." "Baby, forgive me." "Oh, come on, baby." "I'm just saying, if you're gonna build a robot that speaks English to go back in time to kill people, why give it an accent?" "That just don't make sense to me." "Come on, baby." "What in the blue hell is you talking about?" "Arnold Schwarzenegger is from Austria." "Austria, Australia, it's the same thing without the "alia."" "Hello." "Hi there." "Who are you supposed to be, Liberace?" "Heck, no." "I do a little tribute show to the King." " That's right." " Uh-huh." "Going back to the county fair." "Gonna be a big show." "Big, big show." "I'm doing two shows tonight." "And one on Saturday and one Sunday." "And there's gonna be a big news show on it and everything on Channel 7." "Now, listen." "I'm a little strapped right now 'cause they don't pay me out till Monday." "Well, what do you want?" "You want to pawn that suit?" "Heck, no." " 'Cause I was gonna say..." " No, no, no, no, no." "The thing is I..." "I would, on principle only, never perform without this because this, my friend, belonged to the King himself." " Elvis Presley?" " Mm-hmm." "Bullshit." "If I'm lyin', I'm dyin'." "24-karat gold." "What do you say?" "Take a look?" "Let's see." "I don't care if it belonged to Ronald McDonald as long as it's gold." "What do you need?" "Um, I'll take, say..." " 200?" " I can swing that." "All right, then." "Uh... very good." "Thank you." "Thank you very much." "You... you take good care of my baby." "Damn, that's no good." "No, no, no." "Can't have that in the show." "I need a barber shop." "Where's a barber shop at?" "Fans." "This town is loco." "Well, with a name like Doc's, you can't go wrong." " Good afternoon." " How you doing?" "Have a seat." "These gentlemen ain't doing anything but wasting time." "Thank you." "Thank you very much." "Okay." "Now then, I don't need a cut." "I just want you to even up these here sideburns." "That's an awful lot of hair." "You sure you don't want a trim?" "Oh, no." "It's perfect for the show." "The show?" "Oh, what are you, in the circus?" "No, no." "I'm in the county fair." "Oh." "What are you, the magician?" "No." "I ain't no magician." "I do a tribute show." "A tribute... what's that?" "You show people how to sew sequins on outfits?" "Pshh." "I don't show people how to put sequins..." "Hey!" "What the hell?" "!" "What do you think you're doing?" "I'm cutting your hair." "I told you to even out my sideburns." "You nearly took this flap right off." "Son, I don't know how they cut hair in the big city," " but here, that's it." " I'm from South Carolina." " Sweet Jesus, I'm outta here." " Hey, you owe me $12." "You..." "One for the money." "Two for the show." "10 for a lousy haircut." "You know what?" "I'll take some of that to go." " I can't believe he chose Doc's." " Oh, he's gonna regret that." " Hey." " Hi." "Hey there." " Welcome to Irwin." " Thank you." "So you are a Doc man, huh?" "Hell, no!" "Look what he done to me." "He butchered me." "I'm gonna try Cook's." "Looks like Doc can't cut the mustard." "Howdy." "Good afternoon." "Have a seat." "These old-timers are just wasting time." "Looks like some commotion's going on out there, huh?" "Yeah, looks to me like the loony boon... loony tune bin just dropped off a bunch of mental patients on a field trip or something there." "So what are you, some kind of magician?" "No, I'm not a magician." "Say, do you have a TV?" "Do you know what time it is?" "Could you put on the King by night." " Hi." " Meet Ricky Baldoski." "He's a volunteer emergency medical service technician by day and, as you can probably guess, does Elvis tribute performances by night." "So, Ricky, tell us" " a little bit about yourself." " Uh-huh." "Well, now, looks like we got ourselves a celebrity in the house, huh?" "Pssh, come on now." "I'm just glad to be here." "Just glad to be here." "You know, I actually was a little bit nervous during that there interview." "They asked a lot of questions and everything, but I had my sign up." "I think that just..." "What in the Hades is going on out there?" "Looks like a riot." "I don't mean no offense or anything like that, but there's something a little bit whacko about this town." "The oyster brain next door," "I asked him just to even up my sideburns and, son of a gun," " he just chopped this side..." " Excuse me." " You went next door first?" " Yes." "Do I look like sloppy seconds to you, boy?" "You decide to be a Doc man, you stay a Doc man." "I ain't no second choice." "Sir, I just asked him to even up my burns because one of them's a little higher than the other one and he cut half of it off." "Now if you could be so kind to just please trim this one so it..." "You... what the heck?" "That'll be $12." "You cut me?" "Y'all are cuckoo in this town." "Whacky crazy." "Oh, we're whackos, huh?" "You come in here in your fancy suit and your boufed-up hairdo and you can't even figure out what barber you want to cut your hair." "We don't care for you Hollywood types around here." "I am from South nutter-butter-lovin' Carolina." "I don't care where you're from." "Get!" "Get out of my way!" "Out of my way!" "Thank you." "Good evening, sir." "Hello." "You're not from around here, are you?" "Heck, no." "Bunch of psychos in this town." "You caused some kind of commotion up at the barber shops." "What kind of whacko town only lets you get your haircut in one place?" "Well, that's just the way it is." "You're either a Cook man or you a Doc man." "Everything needs its balance and you done come along here and unbalanced everything." "Huh." "Okay." "Can I ask you a question?" "Shoot." "You ever feel lost?" "Sometimes." "You ever feel like you're giving life everything you got, but you just can't get to where you want to be?" "Who are you, some kind of mind reader or something like that?" "What if I could help you find what you're looking for?" "What if I could put you in that place that you've always wanted to be in?" "What if by just saying one little bitty word, that I could grant you everything that you've ever really wanted?" "You see, these things on Earth, they can be grand... but they can only truly be achieved one way and that's with your soul." "Well?" "What do you say?" "Excuse me a moment." " Hello?" " Mama." " Who's that?" "Ricky?" " Mama." " Is that you?" " Mama, it's me." " Where you calling from?" " Listen, Mama." "I think I just met the devil." " Satan?" "I knew it." " He wants to make a deal." "Playing that devil music, Satan was bound to find you!" " Mom, calm down." " Elvis Presley died young." " Mama, I know that the King died young." " On the toilet full of drugs." "Eating a grilled peanut butter and banana sandwich." " That man, he was a disgrace." " Mama, he had a better life here on Earth than anyone ever did." " I knew darn well the reason why." " Singing the devil's music." " It's because he sold his soul." " Ricky, now you come home this minute." " Mama, I haven't taken..." " Your soul is not for sale." " And you tell him I said so." " I'm gonna think about it" " and I'll call you back." " Ricky, now you get your tail..." "Um... well, uh... thank you very much for your offer." "Um..." "I will give it some consideration." "I'm gonna need a little bit of time." "I understand." "Listen, I got this show to get to and, uh," "I should be on my way." "Maybe you'd like to come?" "Bye for now." "I'll be around." "You make up your mind, I'll be easy to find." "Such bullshit." "Doc sucked 30 years ago and he sucks still now." "Yeah, whatever, man." "Have you looked in the mirror?" "Your hair's so gappy, it looks like you've got the mange." "I wouldn't let Doc trim the hair on my dog's balls." "Thank you, ladies." "And thank you, ladies and gentlemen, for coming out to see our show here at the Irwin County Fair." "I'm Jerry Cleveland." "This show has been brought to you by Jerry Cleveland Enterprises." "Now, next up is the closest thing you'll ever get to hearing the King himself alive." "Please welcome Ricky Baldoski." "He had his haircut at Cook's." "Ricky Baldoski." "I said, please welcome" "Ricky Baldoski." "Hey, man, it's the magician." "Hey, get your hair cut." "You know Doc invented scissors." "Yeah?" "Cook invented the bowl cut." "This guy stinks!" "Get off the stage!" "Oh, I'm sorry, Ricky." " We'll have it looked at." " Everything's fine, Ricky." "You suck, son!" "Go home, Liberace!" "I accept your offer." "Now what?" " Did your soundtrack go out, baby?" " That's right." " Need some backup?" " I certainly do." "Oh, my God." "What the..." "You can't walk around here like that... naked." "Give me the flags." "Wait." "Please, stop." "Cover yourselves." "That's better." "There." "There." "Mm." "That's it." "This will make you warm." "Hey." "Here, honey." "Pretty girl." "With a funky smell." "Oh, honey, you smell a little ripe." "Yeah, you damn right I do." "Thank you." "Thank you very much!" "How you doing, county?" "Anybody order some fireworks?" "Liberace." "I love you, man!" "Shucks, I'm just glad to be here." "Hey, listen, man, it was worth every minute." "Every single minute!" "I just got one thing to say, that's God bless America and long live the King!" "Elvis!" "Elvis!" "Elvis!" "The King lives on." " That was amazing." " Well, thank you, sir." " Thank you very much." " Just amazing." "Thank you, sir!" "Thank you very, very much." "Say, I just wanted to ask you." "What's with these here flag ladies?" "They done smell like shit." "I thought they were with your show." "Oh, that's right." "They are part of my deal." " Yeah, I bring them along with me." " Speaking of deals, how would you like to join Jerry Cleveland Enterprises?" "We do shows for county fairs in eight states throughout the Southeast." "And it pays." "Why, yes, sir, I would." "I would, indeed." "Yes, I would!" "I would!" "Thank you very much, sir." "I made it!" "I made it!" " Hey, handsome." " Howdy." "I caught your show." "I was pretty impressed." "Well, thank you." "Thank you very much." "So listen, I'm sorry about all that stuff I said." " Are you now?" " Let's get outta here." " Where we gonna go?" " Let's go home, baby." "I am home." "This is my home." "That's my home." "Open road is my home 'cause I'm signed on with Jerry Cleveland Enterprises." "I may be doing at least eight shows a week." "I'm gonna get paid money." "Real money." " Whoo!" " You're just gonna leave me here?" "That's right." "Like you done did to me." "I'm just gonna leave you right here." "But you're gonna be just fine, sweetheart." "You know why?" "'Cause you got something that I don't." " What's that?" " A kitty cat." "Whoo!" "Well, I can find a man and a place to stay in five minutes." "All right." "Whoa." "Nothing." "That's freaky." "Okay." "Take all the time you need!" "I hear you're looking for a place to stay." "I've got an open spot if you need a few days to get your feet back on the ground." "Well, thank you." "I think I just might have to take you up on that." "Are you okay?" "What happened to you?" "Just a little accident." "Ladies, I've been looking for you." "Why don't you go and get in the van?" "Don't worry." "You can ride up front." "What do you mean you ain't never ate a tater tot?" "I don't believe in them." "Believe in them..." "Christ's name." "Some people don't believe in God or the tooth fairy." "You think you have the right to dismiss the existence of tater tots." "Every freezer section, every grocery across this nation has tater tots." "I do not believe in eating processed potatoes." "Well, ain't that something?" "Sometimes you come in here eating pickled pig's ass out of a jar." "But now... now you too good for tater tots." " Now I've heard everything." " Oh." "You know what?" "Speaking of pickled pig's ass..." "I'd better be getting on home before my old lady get to raising sand." "Go on, now." "Okay, then." "I'll see you in the morning." "God willing." " Hi there." " How can I help you today?" "Hi." "How can I help you?" "I'm just looking for a baseball bat." "Yeah, I got one of them." "I don't know." "It's here somewhere." "I got one of them right here." "That's the one I got." "It's the only one I got." "Right there." "That'll be $7." "Yeah?" "This should work." " Yep." " Yeah." " Take a look at my truck out there." " Oh." "You like it?" "Hey, whoa..." "You think you can just get rid of your car and I wouldn't be able to find ya?" "There's only, like, five people in this whole town!" "You got to understand something..." "Oh!" "Don't do that." "Shit!" "Nobody flips me..." "Get off!" "Oh, shit!" "Ow." "Shit." "Oh, you sick little midget." "Oh, no, no, no, no." "Don't do it, Alton." " Hell, you..." " He ain't worth going to prison for." "If I bury him deep enough, nobody will know better." "Come on, man." "Ain't you never seen "Forensics Files"?" "They can find molecules of your ass hair and poop on stuff I ain't even heard of before." " What the hell are you talking about?" " I don't know." "I just know that they always find the killer." "Don't do it." "Come on." "You get your ass outta here." "All right?" "Unless you got a piece of yellow brick road to pawn, don't you come back around here again." "Fine." "I'm three weeks late for a business meeting in Atlanta because of you anyway." " Oh, Jesus." " Damn." "What in the hell was that about?" "It's a long story." "I gave him the finger." "He's been stalking me ever since." "Well, I guess it's a short story." "Shit." "Hey, how much you give me on this?" "Uh..." "let me see." "I'll give you 40." "Sold." "Here." "Where'd these stanky ladies in the flags come from?" "They smell like something that done flew out of a defecation device." "I thought they were with your show." "So where'd all these stanky skanky flag ladies come from?" "They smell like something that fell out of that goat." "Say, can you tell me, who are all these ladies wrapped up in flags?" "'Cause they smell like someone yawned in Technicolor." " I've got a question to ask you." " Yes, sir." "Why are all these naked ladies wearing flags and why do they smell like doody?" "You know what?" "I got something that you don't." " What's that?" " A tutti-frutti!" "Whoo!" "I got me a star-spangled blammer!" "Yeah!" "A Yankee doodle dandy." "Whoo!" "I got me a whop-bop-a-loo-bop a-wham-bam-boom." "And I'ma leave you here." "And I think that you should be careful." "You should be careful, young missy." "'Cause something that go bump in the night gonna climb up your little scoochy-cooch and it's gonna find its way into that thing that you got that I don't." "Hello, my lovely..." "We gonna fuckin'... kick your ass, Lamar." "All right, Paul, let's..." "Somebody could have said" " let's dial it back." " Wow." "Let's dial it..." "This gurgling, this ain't exactly normal." "I ain't taking his ass nowhere and getting locked up." "He's okay." "We can't just leave him here." " Look at that." " Sorry." "Okay, let's reset." "Get another one." "That was great, too." "I'm sorry, I lost it." "I..." "I'm a fucking bastard." "It's not gonna be funny when I really kill ya." "It's not gonna be... it's not funny now, but I don't know why it made me... okay." "Shh." " Okay, we haven't turned around yet." " Are we turning around?" "Fuck." "I'm sorry I lost it." "No, it's okay." "And cut." "All right, cut, cut, cut." "Gross!" "First carousel?" "Cut." "Oh, Johnny, you're the best."