"* Love and marriage *" "* Love and marriage *" "* Go together like *" "* A horse and carriage *" "* This I tell ya, brother *" "* You can't have one *" "* Without the other *" "* Love and marriage *" "* Love and marriage *" "* It's an institute *" "* You can't disparage *" "* Ask the local gentry *" "* And they will say It's elementary *" "* Try, try, try To separate them *" "* It's an illusion *" "* Try, try, try And you will only come *" "* To this conclusion *" "* Love and marriage **" "WOMAN ON TELEVISION:" "Excuse me, Mr. Bosley." "Isn't this demeaning?" "MAN ON TELEVISION:" "Demeaning?" "Demeaning, Patsy?" "Is it demeaning for a woman to serve a man?" "What do you think, girls?" "No." "WOMEN:" "No." "Now, everybody, let's get started." "[SYNTHESIZED MUSIC PLAYING]" "What you watching?" "Patsy:" "Portrait of a Stewardess in Training." "Mr. Bosley!" "And I thought that was a flotation device." "Oh, Al." "Why do you watch these things?" "It's educational, Peg." "I mean, we all fly, but do any of us really know what these young ladies go through to become stewardesses?" "Ooh." "Their dresses are awfully short." "Would you like me to get one of those?" "Why?" "[DOORBELL RINGS]" "Get that, hon." "I'd be honored, Al." "Shh!" "I hope we're not interrupting." "Oh, no." "Come on in." "I was just making coffee." "Al's watching Gullible Girls Week on Channel 3." "Al, we have company." "It's Steve and Marcie." "If a maniac broke in this house right now and shot me dead," "Al wouldn't even know." "I'd know." "I can't believe you let your husband watch this mindless exploitation of women." "It's not mindless." "Come on, Marcie." "You want coffee and cake?" "Sure." "Good." "Did you bring cake?" "No." "Well, we'll use ours." "Hey, Al, doesn't it bother you to watch this kind of smut in front of your wife?" "Yeah." "You know what we learned last Tuesday in Marcie's women's club meeting?" "I don't care." "You can't honestly tell me you don't enjoy watching this." "I mean, look at that leg draped over that flotation device." "You don't find that pleasurable?" "I used to love smut." "Oh, wait a second, Al." "We went through this before." "You got me in a lot of trouble." "Damn it, Steve, we're men." "It's our God given right to watch sports and smut." "Since when do we have to apologize for that?" "I think since the '70s." "Cake?" "No, thanks." "Doesn't it bother you that he watches things like that?" "Not really." "I couldn't stand it." "Men shouldn't look at women like pieces of meat." "Well, what actually bothers me is that he doesn't look at me like a piece of meat anymore." "He used to, but it's been 16 years, and I guess it's hard to stay interested." "That's ridiculous." "If they can follow the same sports team all their lives, they can stay interested in the same woman." "In our women's group, we have a couple married 47 years." "They still fool around four times a week." "A week?" "Al doesn't even brush his teeth four times a week." "You know, maybe Al just doesn't find me attractive anymore." "What would you say if I told you" "I had the answer to all your problems?" "I don't know." "I bought one of those, and it's just not the same." "Not that." "I've been reading this book," "Thinnergy For Thinness And Energy." "A diet?" "Oh, it's more than just a diet." "It's a way of life." "Certain foods add to your energy, while other bad foods can actually drain your energy." "This book helps you eliminate the bad foods." "You wake up with energy." "You go to bed with energy." "What foods drain your energy?" "AL:" "Hey, Peg, we got any more chips?" "Potato chips are draining." "No, Al." "You really ought to give it a try." "You'll radiate an aura of energy and sexuality that even Al can't resist." "I can only tell you it worked for me." "How well did it work for you?" "Every 36 hours." "Whoo!" "There he is." "My little Mount St. Helens." "Steve..." "Hm?" "I think we should go home now and go to bed." "I don't know." "I don't really feel like it." "Come on, Steve." "Let's go." "Well, if you're gonna go to bed," "I think I'll stay up and watch some PBS." "Al, what channel does PBS come on in this neighborhood?" "Thank you." "Did you talk any sense into Al?" "I don't think so, Patsy." "[CRUNCH]" "Isn't this over yet?" "Almost." "They're cramming for finals." "Al, don't you think those girls are a little skinny?" "You know, shouldn't a woman have some meat on her bones?" "You have to have something to grab onto." "I don't know, Peg." "A lot of guys have been grabbing that one, and nobody's missed yet." "PEG:" "* I'm in the mood for... *" "[GARGLING]" "* Love *" "* Bum, ba, da, dum Da, da, da *" "* Hmm Ba, da, da... *" "Al!" "Al, are you coming up?" "AL:" "In a minute." "Okay." "* Bum, ba, da, dum *" "Ew." "Al!" "In a minute!" "* In a minute Just a minute **" "Bud, this could be the end of life as we know it." "Oh, don't worry about it, Kel." "If you think Dad's gonna put up with this diet, they should've held you back another grade." "[CAR APPROACHING]" "Oh, that's him." "Oh, wow!" "His sweat stains are giant, and he hasn't even said hi to Mom yet." "This is gonna be great." "Hi, Dad." "Hungry?" "Starving." "I didn't have time for lunch, got caught in a traffic jam, and had to sit for 10 minutes staring at a billboard of the best looking burger on the rope I've ever seen." "Let's eat." "Hi, hon." "Hi, Al." "I made something different." "I don't care." "Just slide it in front of me, and plenty of it." "Okay." "Here it comes." "I'll just skip the salad." "Let's just eat, okay?" "That's dinner, Al." "You've got your riboflavin, folacin, iron and magnesium, all right there." "Come on, Peg." "Where's my food?" "That's it, Al." "You finish that, and you can have a granola bar for dessert." "Ooh, beats the heck out of the pie we usually have, huh, Dad?" "Okay, Peg." "What did I do?" "Nothing." "It's good food." "It's going to make us much healthier and much more energetic." "Try it." "Sure." "Gee, you know, you're right." "I doubted you, but I feel a burst of energy coming." "Here it comes now." "Here comes another wave." "What are you doing to me?" "I work." "I want food." "You know what food is?" "It's hot stuff you put in your mouth." "It smells good, you swallow it, and you want more." "That's what food is." "Al, the children are here." "Oh, I'm sorry." "Now, I'm gonna watch the news." "And when it's over," "I want some form of dead animal on my plate." "MAN WITH FRENCH ACCENT:" "And the melted cheese marries itself to the juices of this succulent steak." "And I want that dead animal to be succulent, Peg." "We have nothing succulent, Al." "I threw it all out." "You threw away my food?" "That I love, that I pay for?" "Kids, I think you ought to go upstairs for a while." "Mom, we would, but we don't have the energy." "Get upstairs!" "You were saying that you threw out my food?" "Excuse me for trying to improve the quality of our lives." "You're excused." "Now, give me meat." "Al, I am going on this diet." "If you don't want to, you don't have to." "I don't want to." "You're going on this diet." "No, I'm not." "Yes, you are." "Oh, no, I'm not." "Oh, yes, you are." "I can't believe it." "This is all just happening because Mom wants affection." "Then why doesn't she just go to the mall, like you?" "You know... this carrot is delicious." "Did you know that carrots have a natural sweetness?" "It's much better than what you're eating." "And this water here?" "It comes from a natural spring." "It is the perfect complement to the natural sweetness of this carrot." "I guess that's why I feel so good." "What do you kids want for supper?" "Pizza." "With meatballs." "I'm having grapefruit." "With water." "Natural spring water." "Get out." "Hey, Luke." "Hey, Al." "Hey, Al, let me ask you a question." "If you came home at night and found your wife in bed with another guy, would you get mad?" "I'd kill him." "Oh..." "So I guess this guy didn't overreact." "You look a little peaked, Al, babe." "All-night romp with the little lady?" "More or less." "She's been yelling at me since 1:00 this morning." "Yeah, she's on some stupid diet." "I guess it makes them moody." "Well, I can't sympathize." "There's a shock." "See, I can eat whatever I want and never gain a pound." "My body's great." "I can abuse it and it keeps coming back for more." "Hey, you know what else is great about me?" "Shut up." "Can someone help me, please?" "Yes, miss." "The modeling agency's a few doors down." "Oh, no, I'm not a model." "I just need shoes." "Ho, ho." "My mistake." "Let me help you." "Sit right here." "Al!" "Al!" "Hi, uh..." "Listen, I haven't got much time." "I'm on my break." "Do you remember that movie we were watching the other night?" "Patsy:" "Portrait of a Stewardess in Training." "Thank you." "Wait a second." "I got to ask you a question." "Look, I've only got five more minutes on my break." "I gotta get to the tape store." "This'll only take a second." "Your wife gave my wife a book." "Now my life is hell." "A-ha." "Thinnergy." "Yeah, that's the one." "Does Marcie hate me that much?" "Well, yes, Al, she does, but that's not why she gave Peggy the book." "It was to help you guys." "And you are looking thinner." "I'm not on the stupid diet." "Ooh, Al, you have to." "She can't go through this alone." "She needs support." "Your support, big guy." "If you were to try this diet for even one week, you would show her that you care." "Then if you were both on it, you could go off it together." "Together is the key word, Al." "So all I gotta do is starve and be miserable for a week, then my life will go back to the normal hell it always was?" "I firmly believe that, Al." "See, today's woman is strong, but now and then, even she needs a little assurance." "Hey, guys, come here a second." "Sandy's on her way to a job interview." "She's a little self-conscious." "Can you tell she's not wearing a bra?" "No, I can't tell." "No." "I can't believe he's been on this diet two days." "Yep." "Two days, 10 fights, and they haven't even got to radish day yet." "KELLY:" "I really hate to see them like this." "Then why don't you try and talk some sense into them." "They'll listen to you." "Yeah." "That's worth a try." "Mom, Dad" "[IN UNISON] You're grounded." "Well, I'm going out now." "See you, Kel." "I'm hungry too, but you don't see me biting anyone's head off!" "More kale, dear?" "Did I ask for more kale?" "More broccoli?" "Did I ask for more broccoli?" "You know, Al, the book says we're gonna go through grouchy periods as the toxins leave our bodies." "Yours, of course, has a longer trip than mine." "But anyway, the book says that when we feel an argument coming on, we are supposed to stop and share a nice memory." "Hey..." "Remember that time when we were dating, and we took that walk on Oak Street Beach at sunset?" "The wind was blowing through your hair, and you got cold, so I gave you back your jacket." "And we fed the pigeons... and held hands." "We watched the moon come up." "Oh, yeah." "More kale, dear?" "You wanna watch Carson?" "It's a special show." "It's a repeat of his salute to Charles Nelson Reilly." "Al, did I ever tell you the sound of your voice irritates the hell out of me?" "No, honey, you didn't." "In that case, there's only one thing I'll have to do." "I'll just have to shut up." "Yep, I'll just have to be quiet, because if there's one thing I don't want to do, it's irritate you." "Not my little Peggy." "Because if she's irritated, then I'm irritated, and if she's unhappy, then I'm unhappy." "Al, sweetie, what's that song you hate?" "Don't do it, Peg." "* See the tree How big it's grown *" "No, Peg, please." "* Friend, It hasn't been too long *" "* It wasn't big * All right." "* I laughed at her And she got mad *" "* The first day That she planted it *" "* It was just a twig *" "* And honey-- *" "Ugh." "* And honey I miss you *" "* And I'm being good *" "* And I'd love To be with you *" "* If only I could **" "* I am woman Hear me roar *" "* In numbers Too big to ignore *" "* And I've gone much too far-- **" "All right!" "You win!" "It's a low blow, but you win." "* Dominique, nique, nique *" "* Over land She walks along **" "Peg!" "You won." "There's no need to spike the ball." "You've been acting very snippy lately." "Have I?" "Yep, and I think I know what you need." "Oh, really?" "Uh-huh." "Something that always makes you feel better." "Why don't you make yourself comfortable?" "Right here." "That's right." "Lie down." "I'll be right back." "Don't go away." "[HUMMING]" "* In a minute *" "* Just a min-- **" "Close your eyes, honey." "Eat it!" "Eat it all!" "Eat it!" "Oh, Al, that's disgusting." "Mmm." "Al, this is not what I wanted." "You ruined everything." "What do you mean, ruined everything?" "Our lives are already ruined." "Give me some of that." "Get your own." "Peg, I don't know why you went on a diet anyway." "You don't need to lose any weight." "I had to do something." "You don't find me attractive anymore." "So?" "So?" "So you don't find me attractive anymore?" "Oh, gee, Peg, of course I do." "I think you're great-looking." "Then why haven't we, uh...you know?" "It's been a long time, Al." "Aw, honey." "That again." "Come here a second, will you?" "Let me tell you something." "Now, just because I don't go to bed with you doesn't mean I don't love you." "I mean, let's face it, even if you were beautiful like that girl on TV," "I'd still ignore you... because you're my wife." "Don't stiffen on me, Peg." "Let me tell you what I mean." "You remember that baseball glove my dad gave me when I was a little kid?" "I loved that glove." "Yeah, it's old, and the web's loose, but it's special to me." "That's how I feel about you, Peg." "I may not tell you all the time, but I love you." "I wouldn't do anything to change you." "I think you're great just the way you are." "So is my glove." "I'll have to take it out more and play catch with Bud." "Oh, I like that." "Oh, that feels good." "Hey, remember the American League play-offs last year?" "You know, a lot of fly balls were popping out of gloves for home runs." "I think it's because the modern gloves are too big." "That never would have happened to Willie Mays." "Know why?" "Willie had a small glove." "Just like mine." "[***]"