"LAST CALL FOR MOM" "My name's Alice Malenfant." "37, unmarried, no kids." "with ascendant hypochondriac." "I don't exercise, hate veggies, especially greens." "I smoke a pack a day, and drink 12 coffees." "Luckily, I quit the pill." "But it made no difference." "a heart attack or cancer." "and getting pregnant." "One scares me more than the other." "And it's not cancer!" "with pregnancy tests." "Often. ln fact, all the time." "I haven't said no to kids." "But I haven't said yes, either." "Meanwhile, I need one like a goldfish needs a bicycle." "Every negative test is a victory." "That I announce to my friends." "First, James Beaulieu, 43," "for the paper where l work." "He doesn't believe in love or couples, only movies." "Though he pans most of them." "is the movie good?" "Highly recommended..." "as a sleeping pill." "You can sleep soundly:" "my test was negative." "James is like me, stuck in his teens." "The only gay man I could marry." "Myriam Monette, 38, my best girlfriend," "you'll meet:" "to her, life isn't an adventure, it's a permanent overcast." "We did it all together: college, hitching along the coast, our first joint, first French kiss." "On our first binge, we both puked on the same guy." "Alice!" "I was going to call you." "Does my beige beret make me look French or just drab?" "I'm debating about my orange tuque with a pompom, but isn't it too Tyrolean?" "Your test is negative?" "Could mean you're close to menopause." "No, I'm not kidding." "Some get it before their first facelift." "OK, I read that in..." "Ask a doctor..." "The studio's on the line." "Move back a bit." "The beige is no good." "I have to go." "Bye!" "Louis Saint-Amand, 39, radio show host." "Avid consumer of news-bulletins." "when it happens." "Or doesn't happen." "We've been together seven years." "we're lovey-dovey, the next we're slinging mud." "Pakistan's heating up!" "Are we made to have kids together?" "No way!" "I'm too unruly." "So's he, but he doesn't know it." "Louis!" "Your test was negative." "It always is." " Can a real woman not have a kid?" " Sure." "Like transvestites and transsexuals!" "You're lucky l love you." "I'm gonna buy a motorbike." " l knew it!" " What?" "You think I'm old." "What's the connection?" "Gerontophobia." "It hits you just before 40." "Women get plastic surgery, men a motorbike." "What if I spelled "fart" with a "ph"?" "Call him an "old wreck."" "He's not a wreck, he's an old fart." "You about done?" "I can't watch another dud flick." "Alice!" "The desk is waiting." "So is layout." "So are the presses, the trucks," "the paperboys..." "Sorry, I'm not a machine." "I have no "fast forward."" "In 30 seconds, I'll kill your piece for a car ad." "Old fart always takes an "f" !" "Last call, friends!" "The bars close in three hours, and life is short!" "Almost done!" "You laid it on thick!" "Think so?" "If you called me an "old fart," l'd kill the piece." "You're not Prime Minister." "And you hate him, too." "The problem isn't hating him, it's writing it." "Do you hold things back?" "She's right." "I only slam movies, she puts down the world!" "C'mon!" "Let's go!" "DUMB prime minister GETS DUMBER!" "without my friends?" "With them, I feel 1 7 again, free as a bird." "With them, the party's never over." "You're late!" "Because of Alice again." "Once she gets going, she can't stop." "Who's she nailing tomorrow?" "Someone worthy of it." "I told you, she's dangerous." "She doesn't scare me!" "Not him!" "Life was too good." "Don't, Marcel." "Last time it ended badly." "I need a permit to talk to you now?" "You said you'd never speak to us again!" "Don't play games with me!" "I haven't forgotten the crap you said about me." "Sorry, I write what I think." "And I think you work for a filthy rag." "I never had a conflict of interest!" "I never made porn flicks!" "I wrote a report." "More like a puff-piece." "You were also the flick's press-agent." "You called me a porn king!" "My 87-year-old mother nearly died when she read that." "I had to nurse her for two weeks." "She has a weak heart, but you got no heart!" "Don't bug us with your old mom!" "Who asked you, faggot?" "Listen, fella..." "Repeat that, I'll fix your transgenic ratface." "OK, James..." "Let's go, Carole, this place stinks." "Fuckin' vermin!" "What's his problem?" "Frustration dot com." " What'll it be?" " Guess!" "To Moronland, which, as we all know, is a vast and overcrowded country." "I know you're not asleep." "Don't pretend, Saint-Amand." "Wake up now, or I'll rape you." "No, I can't call back." "I need him now." "Alice is on line two." "Keep it short." "We're on the air in 40 secs." "Hello?" " Louis..." " You not in jail yet?" "What happened last night?" "You dropped acid before writing that piece, then hit every bar" "of social misfits." " Twenty seconds!" " No, not while I was out." "When I got home." "Did we screw?" "Yes or no?" "The whole town is out to get you." "The anti-tobacco lobbies, the government wants to expel you to Africa, and you just ask if we had sex?" "Ten seconds." "I think I was ovulating." "You think you do every night." " Five... four..." " Let's discuss it later." "Did we use a condom?" "Morning, folks." "This is Louis Saint-Amand." "Hope you're all fine." "Today on the show we'll discuss contraception... I mean, the constitution." "A fascinating topic." "Let's start with a musical interlude." "Then back to with Louis Saint-Amand." "Holy shit, how did you leave the intercom open?" "Neither of us noticed!" "Why did I fall in love with that nut?" "Because you love trouble." ""Did you wear a condom?"" "I should send a load of used ones to her office." "It's her." "No way!" "I don't care if the house is on fire, or her head's stuck in the deep freeze!" "From now on, route her into my voice mail." "Got it?" "She's on line two." "Put on another song." "Senile, ladies and gents!" "a senile old fart, proving again that she's a loony, whose brain is so nicotine-sodden" "gray matter is going up in smoke." "What's that?" "From the PR people at Royal Tobacco." "They loved your piece." "I don't want them." "You can have them!" "Take them, doesn't bother me." "Starting a new career in radio?" "It'll be fun." "Will you have time to write your feature?" "You after my job?" "Not really." "I deal with news, facts, not people's moods." "Got no one else to bug today?" "You got any flowers to water?" "Poor Fanny." "You can have my bouquet." "No, thanks." "Bribes are for journalists of your generation, not mine." "Yours wouldn't know how to use a critical mind!" "At least we're not dinosaurs who think the world begins and ends with us." "For you the world begins with what's "in"" "and ends with what's "out"." "So edifying!" "in a Glass of Water." "Do I keep it, or trash it with the others?" " l can explain about last night." " Last night?" "Christ!" "Because of you, we came out after everyone!" "It'll cost me a fortune in overtime, not to mention lost sales." "The publisher called, followed by the office of the "senile old fart,"" "asking why we print such offensive material!" "You're worked up over nothing." "It's free publicity." "Isn't that what you want?" "I want my newspaper to come out on time, and have as little trouble as possible!" "Listen, Gaston." "If you want to put out a dull paper that no one reads, do it alone." "Alone!" "I have many young reporters who are far from dull, who want to do good work without insulting the whole planet!" "No!" "Yes... I'm coming!" "I asked him:" "have I said or done anything you didn't like?" "He said it's my fault, I don't know who I am, I need to find myself." "I said:" "I won't stand in your way." "But that wasn't good enough." "He needs breathing space." "He's become too dependent on me." "Of course!" "Problem is, Robert's an introvert." "You've nothing to say?" "Got anything to eat?" "I tell you Robert's leaving me, and you raid my fridge?" "I had no time for breakfast." "At least be sympathetic." "Or give me advice!" "What for?" "You won't listen." "Anyway, you knew it was coming." "I don't exist for you." "You don't want me as a mother." "Why are you staring at me?" "I'm considering doing some articles on facelifts before menopause." "What do you think?" "Care about your mom, not your job!" "Simone... ls this Alice Malenfant's desk?" "Yes..." "You have an appointment?" "Not really, but I can wait." "Haven't I seen you somewhere?" "Could be. I walk a lot." "Someone to see you." "My name's Carole Dion." "I came because of this injunction." "To make a long story short, I'm pregnant." "I broke up with the father, and don't want his baby." "I was to have an abortion next week, but this forbids it." "Like in the case of Jean-Guy and that girl..." "Chantal Daigle and Jean-Guy Tremblay." "Right." "He's the same kind of guy..." "When he's not drunk, he's lovely, but he's drunk 23 hours a day." "I know where l saw you:" "in that bar, with Marcel." "That's very possible." " Marcel's not the father?" " No." "Marcel is... a friend of my parents." "No, my ex is Fernand Dumont." "You can have the abortion." "The father can't stop you." "Try telling that to my ex!" "Let's take it from the start..." "What do you do in life?" "Salesgirl." "Where?" "The Little Sailor." "We sell kiddie clothes." " Can I make a copy of this?" " Yes." "Fitch..." "who'll tell Alice Malenfant" "to shirk her responsibilities," "Québec'll have no babies!" "It'll be the end of Québec!" "is anyone man enough to tell her?" "He's an idiot!" " Can we shoot?" " One moment." "It's Myriam." "Did you hear Proulx on the radio?" "He's out to get you." "He's nuts." "I can organize a commando to go fix him." "My cameraman used to be a bouncer." "I was Céline's bodyguard, not a disco bouncer!" "He says he was Céline's bouncer." "Sorry." "Tell me if you want Proulx beaten up." "One last question:" "could I do the show wearing a baklava?" "For the Moslem new year." "It'd be cool!" "I don't want to insult anyone." "Give me a jingle!" "Big kiss, bye." "Dumas, Dumont  Fitch." "Can I help you?" "Mr. Fitch, please." "For Alice Malenfant of Le Matin." "One moment, please." "I've left four messages." "Does he return calls?" "Tell him to look at today's paper." "At the piece on his client." "He may want to comment." "Poor little cup." "What'll I do?" "It's not the end of the world." "It could be worse." "Seems that women with kids have more energy, are more mature, more stable," "more effective, more fulfilled." "Look at Madonna." "Yeah..." "You may be right." "Let's go..." "Thank the lady." "He's rude." "It's only the reaction of one child." "All kids don't hate you." "If pollsters functioned like you..." "Don't!" "That was a very typical kid." "If I have one, he'll hate me, too." "I'm unfit to be a mother." "I'm too neurotic." "He'll get even with me for having him." "By becoming a pusher in the Philippines?" "Precisely. lt'll be hell." "You'll leave us." "I'll have a delinquent son, a coke-freak who'll whine on talk-shows." "All women dream of being pregnant!" "Are you their spokesperson?" "It's your last call, you're 38." "37!" "When you give birth, you'll be 38." "You've decided I'm keeping it?" "Sorry, Louis, but... it's my body, it's my life, I'll decide." "You don't want kids?" "Fine!" "It's your body, your decision." "You're the boss!" "But make up your mind and stop being a pain!" "A low-pressure system is due." "Hold on to your hats." "Heavy snowfalls, gusts of wind, blowing snow." "Catastrophic, as the Anglos say." "Temperatures will drop to -250." "Just kidding." "A low of -27, a high of -23." "Today's question." "Do you like winter?" "If yes, find a good shrink!" "This is Myriam Monette for Channel M." "abortion:" "A WOMAN'S choice I can have a say in that." "I thought it was my decision, my choice." "This baby was a co-production." "OK, I'll buy you out." "It's your fault." "You should've held back." "Sorry, it's your fault!" "You won't use an iud." "You can't tell indigestion from ovulation." "You neglect your body." "All you care about is your pig-head!" "You want a baby, Saint-Amand?" "Can you give up sleep for the next five years?" "Change tons of diapers, in shit up to there, put up with a worm screaming all day long?" "Yes!" "I don't believe you." "Your dad split to India, so all men are deadbeats!" "You're as gifted for fatherhood as I am for aquaballet." "You'd hate it if I was a good father." " A good father?" " Yes." "OK, Pops, swear to me, that you'll take a year off from your show." "You won't get mad when you're replaced by a young host, a go-getter who'll push up the ratings!" "Swear to me that fatherhood is worth it!" "Now you're speechless?" "Cancel that appointment." "Cancel my life?" "No, thanks!" "Open the door!" "Let's talk." "Wreck the car, wreck our lives." "Now you go to work dressed like that?" " lt's your fault!" " That you look like a bum?" "Really!" "You screwed her up with your two-bit feminism!" "She's lost." "Now I have to sort it out." "I've got better things to do." "Where is Alice?" "Gone to get rid of our child." "My daughter's pregnant?" "Not for much longer." "You don't look so hot." "Can I do something?" "I don't want to flush it out." "It's your first time?" "Me, too." "It doesn't hurt." "There's just a little whir... like a DustBuster." "If it's any help to you, they're real pros, here." "When it's over, you get cookies." "I've always loved babies, I always did." "I've babysat so much, I could run a day nursery." "When I hold one, and we look into each other's eyes, it's amazing." "I melt like a popsicle." "You've got lots of time ahead for that." "Not if I want several." "Several?" "How many?" "At least five." "That way, if there's an accident, or a kidnapping, the stuff you see on TV, you still have another little 'un to console you." "If you only have one, you're in trouble." "Best be prepared for it." "Why are you here?" "My mother..." "She says I'm too young." "I'm not too young, I'm 16!" "She had me when she was 1 7." "Mothers!" "What can you do?" "They're all the same!" "Whether you're 9 or 92, they always tell you what to do, what to think, what not to think." "We're doomed!" "Your mom sent you here, too?" "with Louis Saint-Amand." "How did I get through that?" "Tomorrow'll be easier, good line-up." "Alice and I are through." "You say that every two weeks, pal." "We had a future together." "She dumped it in the garbage." "And I was ready to take the big leap." "Once I was in it, I was game." "Anyway, what else is there to do?" "How much time before we retire, 15 years?" "Twenty if you're lucky." "It was now or never, to go out in style." "How'll it end now?" "You tell me?" "In the Union's old folks' home." "No money, no lineage, me a weatherman, she in obits." "And whose fault is it?" "Answer me, Paul." "It'll be Alice's fault, that's who!" "What's this about?" "Your mom sent you here, too?" "Cancel that appointment!" "About Ireland!" "Thank you, Your Majesty!" "the other counselors." "Ireland, alas, still threatens us!" " We must raise an army!" " 2,000 foot-soldiers!" "At least!" "We need 5,000!" "No, what we really need is... I hope it wasn't the mistake of a lifetime." "What got into me?" "You'd better be a good father!" "You listening?" "I said, you'd better be a good father!" "I couldn't do it." "You're wonderful!" "Fabulous, the love of my life." "Swear you'll tell no one?" "You crazy?" "I want everyone to know!" "We'll put it on the Web!" "You do that, I'm washed up." " Come on." " They'll sideline me." "They'll give away my feature." "It's in the contract." "I'll wind up in Horoscopes." " You're crazy." " No, realistic." "A pregnant woman is a curse in the labor market." "She's flighty, pukes all the time, complains, eats pickles for lunch." "The boss pretends it's cute, but can't wait for her to leave." "I'll pamper you, take care of all your needs." "Ask anything you want." "Can he hear us?" "I doubt it." "You can leave him voice mail." " Not very poetic!" " Guess not." "We're going to have a baby." "A little bundle of life." " With your flaws and my qualities." " The opposite!" "He's bound to be an outstanding person." "He's bound to be a girl." "No matter, we don't know what he'll become." "A computer whiz, an Olympic champion, an astronaut..." "Why not a Nobel-prize winner?" "I'll love him as much." "I heard about your appointment." "I hope it went well." "It's not exactly fun." "If it's any consolation, Oriana Fallaci wrote..." "How did she put it?" "Now, I remember..." ""Better sacrifice a child, than be sacrificed to it."" "Nice, no?" "I'll leave you those words of wisdom." "I'm going into a rehearsal, don't call back now, or tonight." "See you later, darling." "Yes, Mr. Fitch, please." "Alice Malenfant." "Yes, Mister..." "Sit down." "I can't stay long." "We're swamped in the store." "My boss is fed up:" "I've become a celebrity!" "What have you decided?" "Fernand seems resigned to it." "I have an appointment in a clinic tomorrow." "Then it'll all be over." "So that's why his lawyer finally took my call." "Did you speak to him?" "Not really." "What are you doing?" "Taking notes to finish my article." "It's only half done." "Write what you want, for me it's all over." "But I have to say it, for the sake of women's rights." "Screw women's rights!" "What?" "No, what I meant is..." "You wrote it..." "Kids are nothing but trouble." "Who needs them?" "Over and out." "I didn't write that." "Women have to have kids, or it's the end of humanity." "But don't count on us." "We've got other fish to fry." "Thanks for everything, bye." "Hi, it's me." "I predicted snow and a warmer afternoon." "I got it wrong, as usual." "It's more cold spell." "Tonight a high of -4 and low of -12 with the wind chill." "Damn wind factor!" "Only made things colder!" "So wear your slippers." "Stay home, or dance the salsa to keep warm." "This is Myriam Monette for Channel M. See you!" "Cut!" "They'll kill me!" "They will!" "three bachelors without kids, we were one family, the same clan." "Like bikers, or members of Al Qaeda." "No longer." "I secretly changed the rules." "It's your only exercise all year." "Work at it." "React soon, or you'll be crushed by the competition!" "Will we be friends, no matter what?" "Why?" "You killed anyone?" "What's going on, Alice?" "You've been attacked by a low-pressure system." "What's going on is... is that... I have to tell them, not that I'm pregnant, but that I've joined the enemy." "What?" "Nothing..." "My turn?" " This can't go on." " l'm hungry!" "You've been pregnant eight weeks:" "your friends don't know, your mom doesn't know." "Nor do your bosses, my bosses, my pal Paul..." "That's quite a crowd!" "You didn't commit a crime!" "You're pregnant!" "We have to come out of the closet." "We'll organize a Parental Pride Parade." "I can't take it anymore." "You hide bad news, not good news!" "I know." "But when I try to announce it, a red light flashes." "I can't do it." "As if someone else is pregnant, not me." "I got you pregnant, not the girl next door." "I don't want things to change." "I want them to stay the same." "But they will be, only better." "When you went to the dentist for an abscess, you were terrified, but you left feeling better." "This'll be the same." "You saying I'm pregnant with an abscess?" "It's time to prick it." "The first rule of theater is remember the fourth wall." "So face the garden." "No, on that side... I've waited 45 minutes!" "Do I have to sleep here?" "In rehearsals I lose all sense of time." "That's it, there..." "Forget Lady Macbeth a minute..." "Medea, I'm rehearsing Medea." "To hell with her!" "I have to talk to you." "I have to rehearse." "I'm in theater, not soap operas." "OK, I'm listening." "Like that?" "Here?" "I thought we could go for a coffee." "Go, it doesn't bother me." " Yes, it'd be..." " lt won't be long." "I don't have all day." "Sorry, it's my fault, but I can't talk with a gun to my head." "Stop being so fussy!" "You favor a crackpot of antiquity over your daughter!" "Medea is a highly modern character!" "She doesn't kill her children, she aborts them." "A subject that should interest you." "I almost did a blow up of your article for the set." "Can I ask you a question?" "Go ahead." "Have I put on weight?" "No more than usual." "Come on, I'm as fat as a bus." "That fat?" "Can you tell me why?" "How would I know?" "I'm pregnant." "It was an accident, nine weeks ago." "I couldn't tell you." " You said nothing for nine weeks?" " l was afraid of your reaction." "You always called me." "Even about your pimples!" "I know, I don't know why..." "Shit!" "What'll I do?" "I'm the last to find out!" "Everyone has kids but me." "No boyfriend, my male friends are all gay." "The battery of my biologic clock is flat." "My best friend has lied to me for nine weeks!" "And it's Christmas." "I hate the holidays." "I'm at an all-time low." "What's the big news?" "You're not pregnant?" "You knew?" "It's not true?" "It's been nine weeks, and she never told us." "And I schlepped around to find you an X-mas gift." "I can explain it." "What's there to say?" "Why did you do it?" "Alice Malenfant, to write today... about abortion, about being a mother, sexism, isn't all that a bit dated?" "Absolutely not." "are open to women." "It's true, now they can go to college, have a career, drive a truck" "to younger women." "Aren't you exaggerating?" "I wish I were." "What exactly is the problem?" "I'll tell you: who has to dash" "when a kid has a runny nose?" "about swimming lessons, allergies, dental appointments, returning films to the video club?" "because the kid slept poorly?" "at her desk for lunch?" "according to the norms of Canada's "Healthy Eating Guide"?" "Who?" "Mothers!" "So you won't have any kids?" "I'm expecting no one." "Fernand Dumont?" "You sure?" "Show him in." "Your name's Fernand Dumont?" "This a gag?" "Not at all." "I'm Fernand Dumont, but not the wife-beating, alcoholic, psychopath that you slandered. I'm a lawyer." "At Dumas, Dumont  Fitch." " l don't understand." " No, you don't understand much." "Carole Dion exploited that very well." "What's this about?" "Carole Dion!" "She lied brazenly to you." "Your articles are dishonest, misleading and botched!" "Don't tell me how to do my job!" "If all your work is like the Carole Dion piece," " you're a rotten reporter." " Cut it out!" "Some of us long for a child and can't have one." "You can't understand that." "You don't care about kids." "You're above it." "Damn your selfishness!" "Visit a fertility clinic where women lie spread-eagled on a table while the husband in the toilet stimulates his sperm with a porn." "What's the connection?" "I'm for the right to abortion." "How about the right to have kids?" "She cost us $40,000 and two wasted years!" " We still have no kid!" " Adoption just isn't as good." "What?" "Carole Dion was a surrogate mother." "It wasn't her child, it was ours!" "A surrogate mother?" "Why are you telling me now?" "Why didn't Mr. Fitch at Dupont and Dupont..." "Dumas, Dumont  Fitch!" "Why didn't he return my calls?" "I didn't want to." "The injunction was to scare Carole." "We hoped to settle privately." "To get back the $25,000 we advanced." "But she took our money and our last hope." "I have to write something." "It's outrageous!" "If you do, we'll deny everything." "You mustn't." "This is serious." "It's unethical!" "You're a lawyer, you know that." "You want to help us?" "Next time, before printing nonsense, think, and check your sources!" "Now forget us." "THE little sailor" "If Big Belly shows up, I won't speak to her." "I feel caught between Bush and Bin Laden." "Alice has a right to reproduce if she wants." "I thought you hated kids." "I feel the way moderate homophobes feel about gays." "Which is?" "Hate 'em collectively, but not individually." "We swore we'd never have kids, even under torture." "That's like swearing the check is in the mail." "Don't you do white and color separately?" "No, I'm all for mixing things." "Why are we here, when you have a washer-dryer at home?" "I'll never meet a nuclear physicist in my laundry room." "You angry because I'm pregnant?" "You know why I'm angry." "OK, I goofed, I should've told you sooner." "Now drop it." "You're my friend, you should be glad for me." "Want to know the truth?" "I think your baby's a pain." "He's a pain because the way things stand, I won't have a baby." " l didn't know you wanted one." " l don't." "But that's not why." "It'll never be the same." "You spoiled everything!" "Spoiled what?" "We'll lose touch, go our separate ways, you'll be into a baby trip, preparing little pots of organic broccoli mush." "I thought our friendship was stronger than that." "You're naïve, girl." "A baby changes everything:" "schedules, interests, friends." "No more lingering in bars." "Or putting down assholes." "You'll be a contented wife, I a frustrated old maid." "I know what you're thinking:" "I'm selfish, narcissistic, immature." "Well, you're right." "That's why I shouldn't have kids." "Hi, Fanny." "This'd better be good. I had to cancel my dental appointment." "Carole Dion, remember her?" "The girl who got an abortion thanks to the paper?" "Really." "Marcel!" "That's yesterday's news." "Wait..." "And I won't touch Alice Malenfant's leftovers." "Listen, you'll love this." " And I'm anti-abortion." " Let me speak." "I tell you, it's juicy." "It turns out that..." "Now can I look?" "Close your eyes, and keep them shut." "Now?" "One second." "Go ahead." "What's that eyesore?" "Don't like my X-mas tree?" "Totally synthetic." "Lasts centuries." "Isn't smelly or messy." "What's this?" "We never had an X-mas tree!" "We never had a kid either." "X-mas is about kids." "Get that prehistoric garbage out of here!" "Not a chance!" "I'm sorry!" "It's ugly, huh?" "No, I'm ugly." "I'm pathetic." "Stop putting yourself down." "I don't deserve to be pregnant, or even to be alive." "Some women would lose an arm to get pregnant, they try for years, waiting, suffering, hoping, all for nothing." "Why me, and not them?" "Because nature decides." "It isn't you or them." "Make the most of it!" "I can't." "Why not?" "What are you scared of?" "I'm scared of everything." "Of the baby, of my job, of host mothers, barren couples, cancer, of you, of me, of our life, my mother, my friends," "X-mas trees... I forget what else." "If it isn't Ma and Pa Kettle!" "This'll be your last outing for a while." "We'll have to announce it soon, right?" "Announce what?" "A moron is born in Moronland." "Now you're talking!" "Your anti-procreation stand won't stop the world from turning." "Know why I'm against it?" "Because procreation means weirdos like me being raised by weirdos like you." "But without weirdos there'd be no art, movies, literature, theater." "Critics like you wouldn't have a job!" "Can we change the subject?" "Listen, Alice... I'm sorry..." "Sometimes I feel I was just born to bug you." "The worst is yet to come!" " Nobody's dancing?" " Maybe later." "James?" "My religion only lets me dance with one woman:" "Alice." "She's in no shape to dance." "Maybe the cha-cha-cha." "Why?" "I'm not sick... I've seen you in better shape!" "Oh yeah?" "We'll see about that!" "It's no time..." "Not in your state..." "Martini?" "What's she trying to prove?" "We being possessive?" "He'll put her in the hospital." " What's the problem?" " She's pregnant!" "What?" "She's pregnant?" " That is news!" " lt's off the record." "No problem." "Marcel?" "It's Fanny." "Listen to this..." "Hi, everyone." "It's Christmas!" "No snow, but who cares, there's love in the air." "It's warm, but tomorrow expect a snowstorm with fluffy flakes." "Right now it's zero downtown." "Hi, all you lonely people." "Happy X-mas from the Fairy Queen!" "This is Myriam Monette for Channel M." "Bye, Allen." "Merry X-mas!" "Do we unpack the gifts?" "No, we'll wait till..." "Till when?" "Santa Claus shows up?" "Come sit down." "I feel cuddly." "OK?" "Am I a nice cushion?" "Don't tell anyone, but... I think I'm happy." "Happy!" "You?" "You OK?" "No fever?" "Everything's... fine..." "Happy, huh?" "Yeah..." "Happy." "PREGNANT" "Those bastards!" "That bitch!" "Bloody bastards!" "Great news." "But try to deliver your baby faster than you do your articles." "Congratulations!" "I'm so happy for you." " ls it for soon?" " Not before summer." "Now I have to read the paper to get your news?" "I wanted to tell you." "And that Carole Dion is a host mother and a faker who just opened a sex-shop?" "Fanny's covering it tomorrow." "We have no choice." "If we don't do it, our rivals will!" "You can't, I'll look like an idiot." "That's your problem." "Don't like the music?" "You lied to me, used me, cheated people, breached their trust." "Then gave your story to another reporter on my paper." "I hope you had good reasons." "She knew the whole story already." "Probably knew you were pregnant." "Enough gossip." "Let's hear your story from the beginning." "We start with my birth?" "With your ad on the Internet." "You'd be missing a lot." "Don't get cute with me." "I wanted my own business, and didn't have the money." "Host mother looked like cool, easy work." "So I put in an ad." "Mr. and Mrs. Right answered." "We made a deal." "Artificial insemination, the works." "I got pregnant." "They were thrilled!" "I was their darling Carole." "But they started bossing me around." "No smoking, no loud music, I had to eat their damn health food." "Where do I fit in all this?" "How can a girl like me fight a big lawyer like Dumont?" "Either I split to Timbuktu or I tackled the media." "The night I decided, I was with Marcel and saw you in that bar." "Marcel, the guy who's out to get me?" "I suppose this was his idea?" "You stole $25,000!" "That's not peanuts!" "They caused me so much trouble, they got off cheaply!" "What about the trouble you caused me?" "You're a big girl, you can handle it." "I'm through." "Washed up!" "We'll fight back." "I'll sue the paper and Fanny Lemay for invasion of privacy, and loss of use." " Loss of use?" " Absolutely." "Loss of the joy of announcing your pregnancy." "Some joy!" "How did Fanny Lemay find out about it?" "Did you say anything in front of her?" "Who do you think I am?" "Would I blab about our private life to her?" "I don't even know her." "That's insulting!" "About Alice Malenfant." "At last the cat's out of the bag, folks." "Once again, Alice Malenfant wrote junk." "wasn't a victim at all." "She was a host mother, a hustler, a thief." "She stole $50,000 from those poor people." "How can one trust reporters..." "Want to hear the rest?" "No need. I resign." " Because of Proulx?" " No, because of me. I'm through." "No one'll take me seriously, and they're right." "Fanny's a better reporter than me." "I'll take full-time mother over half-time "has been"!" "While I'm at it, good mothers don't smoke." "Come on!" "It's coming..." "Magnificent!" "I see nothing." "Take off your glasses." "No one'll recognize you here." "No, I can't." "As you wish, but you don't know what you're missing." "What's going on, little lady?" "I know I'm pregnant, I don't need a video to prove it." "When I see that little thing moving in there, I feel I've got Alien in my belly." "Relax." "You'll be fine." "She's right, you're a real bundle of nerves." "It's like abstract art." "It's amazing." "I'd prefer a wave of the hand." "Gets to me every time." "Not you?" "How can I be moved?" "I can't talk to him." "He can't answer me." "He doesn't know who I am." "Maybe I repel him." "Maybe he wants Julia Roberts instead of me as a mother." "Know why it takes nine months to make a baby?" "So the mother can get used to the idea." "I can't communicate with an incomplete idea!" " lt's life, not an idea." " Life is when you're born." "Before that you're mineral, vegetable, digital, I don't want to know." "Don't forget the amnio." "That's enough, we're leaving." "It's not dangerous." "The odds of miscarriage are 400 to 1 ." "What if the girl before me was 399th?" "We're off." "Stop acting like a child!" "I will when I have one." "You're driving me crazy." "Time you went back to work." "OK, for the amnio." "You'll hold my hand?" "More letters for Alice." "They won't let up." "The phone calls, too." "They want to know why Alice Malenfant was fired." "I won't beg her to come back." "Reporters with kids are less productive." "I wouldn't broadcast that!" "I mean, really!" "Got a minute?" "Yes, come in." "Listen... I know it's odd, especially now, but... I'm pregnant." "I can't name the father." "He doesn't know." "But I'm in heaven." "You, too?" "You're all pregnant at once?" "Haven't I got enough problems?" "Every feminist is on my back, saying I'm a bastard!" "That's just it." "Just what?" "They say you fired a pregnant woman." "It's a lie!" "Let me prove you're also capable of giving a promotion to a pregnant woman." "If you agree to promote me." "Let's think about it." "Start your breathing exercises, we're giving birth soon." ""We're" giving birth soon?" "I didn't know you're pregnant, too." "Congratulations!" "OK, you're giving birth, so do your breathing exercises, or you'll be gasping." "I've breathed 38 years and I never lacked air." "Who is this?" "Breathe!" "Eight months already." "I don't recognize myself." "I don't drink, don't smoke, don't swear!" "I go to bed early, rise early." "I have no opinions." "I've become a responsible adult." "Don't worry, I'm not here to fight." "Amazing, you're growing soft." "I just want to ask you a question." "Sorry you didn't have that kid?" "You seem sorry to be having one." "I lost my job, my friends, my life, and my kid isn't even born." "Can't have it all!" "Must one lose everything?" "You're asking me?" "I don't know who to ask anymore." "We have nothing in common." "That's not true." "I almost didn't have one." "But mine wasn't my child!" "What if it had been?" "Listen, my baby is what you see here." "A sex shop?" "You think it's sleazy." "You're wrong." "This is a grocery store, but instead of vegetables, I sell vibrators, whips and licorice-flavored panties." "Know what?" "I don't care what you think." "I'm doing what I want to do." "If I were you, I'd do the same." "What would you do?" "Stop thinking you're the center of the world." "It's not a moonwalk." "Relax." "You're having a baby." "Love it hard, damn the rest!" "Here." "It's for your baby." "Say you got it at Disneyworld." "Hi, Louis!" "You're not in." "Listen, it's me." "I made a big decision." "We're moving." "To a house in the suburbs with a big yard." "We trade the mini for a mini-wagon." "We'll need a lawn-mower, a snowblower, a tempo shelter, wheeled garbage cans, nice wooden flower pots, swings, a sandbox..." "At last!" "You're here." "I was in a panic." "I needed another week of rehearsals, because, as usual, the critics are waiting for me with brick bats." "They should be shot!" "How do I look?" "My hair?" "My dress?" "Do I look like an old hag?" "That dress makes you as young as your daughter." "Don't overdo it!" "Especially as I'm going to be a grandmother." "A theater first night is amazing." "There's an intensity, a glow in the air... lt's like..." "Childbirth?" "Precisely." "Tonight I'm delivering my most important work." ""My friends!" ""l am resolved upon the deed." ""At once will I slay my children," ""then leave this land without delay." ""So 'tis not long enough to hand them over" ""to be slain by hate." ""l, at least," ""do not hate them." ""Die they must, in any case..."" "Sorry." "I think this is it." ""Since 'tis so, I shall kill them..."" "No, it's in two weeks." ""l who bore them..."" "It's time!" "Let's go!" "It can't be, my pager would've beeped." ""Steel thyself..." "Sorry!" "Sorry, she's pregnant." "Then she should stay home!" "What did you say?" "I just broke my waters!" "Keep it up, I'll give birth here!" ""Woe on me!" "Wretched suffering woman..."" "Push, Mom, push!" "Louis!" "I'm here, love." "What do you want?" "I want an euthanasia." " What?" " Your wife's not well!" "I want an euthanasia!" " We can't do that." " Yes, you can." "Come on, Mom." "The women next door all got euthanasia!" "A little euthanasia...." "That's not what she wants. ls it?" "Yes, I want an euthanasia!" "An anesthetic, shit!" "An anesthetic!" "They've been applauding for over a minute!" "I never thought I'd blow in a balloon for a baby!" "Why blue?" "What if it's a girl?" "I had to pick bionic carrots or mashed peas." "They're still applauding, it's a miracle!" "Want to hear?" "No, we believe you." "Push, Alice!" "Push, Mom, push!" "Talk to her, Dad..." "You!" "Push, darling, push!" "Push, Mom, push." "My name's Alice. "A" as in..." "Too soon?" "It's a triumph. I heard it." "That's it, Mom, push!" "Get her out of here!" " You got kids?" " No time for that!" "Someday maybe." "Here we go, push, Mom, push." "What do you do in life?" "I'm a nuclear physicist." "Go on, push, Mom, push!" "Why am I on duty during a full moon?" "It's my tenth birth in a row." "I can't take it." "That's good, push, Mom, push." "My name's Alice, dammit!" "She's called Alice." " Go on, Mom, push!" " Push, Mom, go on!" "My name's Alice!" "Look how beautiful he is." "There, it's over." "I didn't walk on the moon or invent the wheel." "But I performed a miracle." "I gave birth to a child." "The only problem is:" "I don't know where to start." "in a hospital rather than at Ikea, there's no user's manual." "But I'll manage." "We'll manage." "Surprise!" "My grandson!" "Such a beautiful baby!" "I want to be his godmother." "Can I be his mean, cool, auntie?" "I don't know what to say." "Here, come see Dad." "He's tiny!" "Come, little dear." "You little bug." "What a beautiful baby!" "I've started to write again." "It was time." "I think it'll be a novel." "I love my son, but I can't spend my life gazing into his eyes." "It's back to where we were." "Or almost." "Fanny went over to our rivals." "Despite her scheming, she didn't get the promotion." "Simone's doing a new play, and for once it ends well." "made her 20 years younger." "She's such a softie." "I think she'd rather be a grandma than a director." "Myriam still goes to launderettes." "her nuclear physicist, but thanks to her godchild, she has lots of suitors." "in movies." "is that he's decided" "the next generation of critics." "his radio hosting with fatherhood." "than I'd have for aquaballet." "This is Louis Saint-Amand at Unfaithful Mornings." "isn't the end of the world." "It's the beginning." "Life goes on as before." "Nothing has changed, except us." "ALL OF US..." "Subtitles:" "A. Whitelaw"