"Colonel?" "Colonel Hogan, message from London just in." "Now?" "So late?" "Sounds like an emergency." "Kinch has it in code." "It's getting to be a busy war." "Relay job, Colonel-- from a plane, then to London, then to us." ""Forward pass almost intercepted." ""Need new play." ""Your team, 0200 hours." ""Load of sugar candy." "Usual signals." "Good luck, Coach."" "That's a parachute drop from a courier plane." "Probably couldn't use its first drop point." "All right, look, we'll move in an hour." ""Sugar candy" is code for something special." "Maybe they'll drop us some USO girls." "Could also mean heavy equipment." "After two years here, who cares what they look like?" "All right." "Let's go." "Uh-huh." "Two flashes blue, two white, two more blue." "All right, Newkirk, give them the answer." "They read us." "Let's go." "All right, let's make it fast." "The Krauts might have seen this come down." "And, if they find it, they find us." "There they are." "That's the sugar candy." "Bulletproof vests." "Heavy." "It's a good thing they didn't send along two pair of pants with them." "There's six or eight..." "Yeah, it's too pairs in each box." "...too heavy to carry back." "We'll have to bury 'em here." "We'll take one with us." "Come here, LeBeau." "Oh." "Be careful." "( grunting )" "That's the first time I saw a vest wearing a man." "( man shouting )" "Parlez-vous français?" "No, of course, you pigs would not." "( speaking German ) ...officer, schnell, schnell!" "What's going on here?" "My name is Lieutenant Maurice Dubois," "Air Force of France." "I've come to surrender." "I'm afraid you're a little late, my friend." "Surrender?" "He's also nuts." "Bring him to my office and search him for weapons." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "Open the gate." "This does not concern you." "Go about your business." "Comment ça va, Lieutenant?" "Oh, comment vous appelez-vous, mon petit?" "Caporal Louis LeBeau, 14'ème Escadrille." "Lieutenant Maurice Dubois." "Enchante." "Enchante." "Ces animaux parlent français?" "No." "Les gros parlent anglais." "Ah, bon." "Où sont les vestes blindees qui vous ont ete delivrees?" "On les a besoin, aussitôt que possible." "Quoi?" "J'irai au Colonel, tout de suite." "Don't you know it's not polite to talk a language nobody else understands?" "We understand it." "Oh, that's different." "What'd he say, LeBeau?" "You will not believe it, Colonel." "When I tell you, you will simply not believe it." "That's all." "I will if I get a chance." "Now, come on, give." "He has come to pick up the bulletproof vests that were dropped to us." "Alone?" "You don't see General de Gaulle coming through the gate, do you?" "Oh, he's barmy giving himself up." "How do we know he's for real?" "We don't." "Kinch, get on the radio." "Have London check him out while I see what plans" "Klink has for him." "Right." "Lieutenant Maurice Dubois, Air Force of France... an organization that no longer exists." "My plane was hit on a reconnaissance mission two days before we surrendered." "I, um, bail out over Brussels, and then I crossed the border into Germany." "Mm-hmm, mm-hmm." "Now, you entered Germany why?" "Maybe he likes the weinerschnitzel." "Hogan!" "Now, Dubois, you've been hiding for a long time." "Why are you surrendering now?" "Well, to tell you the truth, Colonel," "I am tired of running." "Uh-huh." "All right, your papers will go to Gestapo headquarters in Berlin." "And, until we hear from them, you will be our guest." "Ask for a quiet room." "Some of them are noisy." "Tunnels being dug." "Silence!" "Schultz, take him to the cooler." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "Wait, wait." "Why the cooler?" "Regulations until the case has been investigated." "Let him live in one of the barracks." "I'll be responsible for him." "You?" "That's laughable." "( laughs )" "Schultz!" "You said it was laughable, so I thought it was an order." "Put him in the cooler." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "Answer from London, Colonel." "Oh, thanks, Kinch." "( sighs )" "Well, Dubois' on the level." "Two years in the French Resistance." "Two years?" "Incroyable." "Two years." "Still alive, eh?" "He's no mug." "Our order is to give him all the assistance possible." "How?" "He's in solitary." "Yeah, well, the first thing is to keep the Gestapo out of this." "Who's cleaning Klink's office this week?" "I am." "All right," "Klink's report to the Gestapo should be ready tomorrow." "See if you can head it off." "Yes, sir." "Kinch, I want you to type out a pass to the cooler so I can talk to Dubois." "Okay." "Oh, who signs it?" "Newkirk will forge Klink's signature." "Why is it, every time there's a bit of forgery required, or anything semi-criminal, I'm the guy?" "Why?" "No special reason, Newkirk." "It's a disease." "Oh, danke, Sergeant." "It's so nice of you to help me." "Oh, well, I always say," ""If people can't help each other in wartime, when can they?"" "That's true." "I always say that." "I really do." "The plane was to drop these new-type bulletproof vests on a field just outside Brussels." "The Krauts got wise?" "No." "But they increased their patrol activity so much that it became dangerous." "We radioed London, but the plane had already taken off." "The cargo had to be dropped somewhere." "So we were elected." "You have them here, Colonel?" "We've got them buried in the woods." "They'll be safe for a while." "Ah, bon." "Dubois, you took a big gamble." "In two weeks, the Gestapo plans to execute several of our countrymen in retaliation for our resistance." "We know where they are being held, and we intend to save them." "These bulletproof vests will give our men a fighting chance." "You gave yourself up." "There was no other way." "I had to make sure the vests were here, so, uh, I got into my old uniform, and here I am." "Yeah, you sure are-- in jail." "Colonel Hogan, I have been told that you are a very clever officer with ideas." "Now, how are we going to get this armor away from here and into France?" "Funny you should ask." "Ah, you have a plan?" "No." "I was just about to ask you the same question." "Klink's report to the Gestapo." "You devil." "Nice work." "Voilà." "At least the Gestapo won't get Dubois for a little while." "Yeah, we still have two problems:" "getting Dubois out of the cooler, and starting those vests on their way to France." "Well, couldn't you ask Klink again, Colonel?" "No." "He needs a good reason to let Dubois out." "What do we need most at Stalag 13?" "And nobody say girls." "Eliminate girls, you're going to cut down the field quite a bit, sir." "Okay, you guys, the faucet is fixed... but use it carefully, 'cause I got some more work to do on it." "Right." "My son the plumber." "Hey, that's one thing we haven't got in the old Stalag, Colonel..." "a graduate plumber." "What happened to the Kraut who was doing that work?" "Schneider?" "He transferred out." "I've been doing it in all the barracks for the last few weeks." "How much do you know about it?" "I was a plumber's helper one summer when I went to school in Detroit." "The Krauts know you've been doing this?" "No, I don't think so." "If you can fix plumbing, you can also break it, right?" "That I can do." "Gentlemen, did you know that, besides being a pilot," "Lieutenant Maurice Dubois is also a plumber?" "He told you, Colonel?" "He couldn't." "Doesn't know it himself... yet." "SCHULTZ:" "Wait a minute!" "May I ask what you are doing?" "You mean you don't know?" "Tell him, LeBeau." "Practice makes perfect." "Schultz!" "It is incredible!" "The most efficient P.O.W. camp in all of Germany, and we have no plumber." "Herr Kommandant, Corporal Schneider was our plumber." "Was?" "!" "Before he was sent to the Russian front." "Well, what idiot sent him to the Russian front?" "Don't tell me what idiot." "I shall call division headquarters." "I will have his transfer revoked, and we will get him back here." "If they can dig him up." "I-I-I mean, if they can find him." "( knocking )" "Come in, come in, come in." "Glad I caught you in, Commandant." "I want to register a complaint." "Hogan, I'm not interested in your complaints." "I've got problems of my own." "Okay." "Wait, Hogan. wait." "Are any of your men plumbers?" "Plumbers?" "No, sir." "We have a tech sergeant who's a dentist." "I want my faucet fixed, not my teeth." "Well, sorry, sir." "I guess I can't help you." "There is a man who might be able to do the job." "Who?" "Who?" "No, no." "He's not available." "He's in the cooler." "Regulations." "The Frenchman?" "Before the war, he was one of the best plumbers in Paris." "Him?" "He told LeBeau." "Yes, Herr Kommandant," "I heard them speak in French." "But how can a plumber become an air force officer?" "Connections." "I just want to know what you did in civilian life." "Well, I, uh, I did many things." "What was your work?" "What the Commandant means is were you always a plumber?" "Oh, that." "But of course." "( chuckles )" "That was all I ever did, like my father before me." "You see?" "Plumbing even ran in his family." "Oui." "I want you to fix a faucet." "Sorry, sir." "I would consider that collaborating with the enemy." "What?" "Dubois, I'm senior P.O.W. officer here, and I appreciate your feelings, but I'm prepared to look the other way." "Well, bring me the faucet." "I'll see what I can do." "I'd have to bring you the whole building." "You'll have to release him." "I suppose I have no other choice." "But you're on parole." "And, if you break it, all the men will suffer." "Oui, Colonel." "That is understood." "Why must I always be at the mercy of all these details?" "!" "What are you complaining about?" "Haven't gotten his bill yet." "These are Corporal Schneider's tools." "Take care of them." "I promised his widow..." "Oui, oui." "J'ai compris." "I'm going to need someone to assist me, Colonel." "Kinch?" "Yes, sir." "Help the Lieutenant." "Colonel, I don't know anything about plumbing." "Doesn't matter." "He knows it all." "Just carry his tools." "Right, sir." "All right, get on with it." "What is this madness?" "Shh!" "Just play along with Hogan." "He's got a plan." "But plumbing?" "I was a real estate salesman in Fontainebleau before the war." "That's close enough." "This'll prove that plenty of work is needed." "But, Sergeant, what am I going to say to them?" "I'll tell you what to say." "Don't worry." "Here." "( clanking )" "Want to sit in, man?" "Sounds like Dubois' doing a good job." "Uh." "The moment the Frenchman is finished, he goes back to the cooler." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "Good." "Aha." "Aha!" "There they are." "All finished, huh?" "Excellent." "Schultz, he goes back in the cooler." "That was just the inspection, Colonel." "Look at this." "Everything rusted." "The pressure valve is going to blow any minute." "Then you are going to have water everywhere." "Mmm." "Do you remember the Johnstown flood?" "How long will it take to finish?" "Well, that's impossible to say." "I'm going to need a pipe threader, a forge, welding tools, eh..." "Herr Kommandant, he could use" "Corporal Schneider's workshop." "All right, but I want this job done quickly." "Oh, I'd be better off at the Russian front." "Herr Kommandant, when you are there, could you look for Corporal Schneider?" "Shut up." "Dismissed." "Hi, Schultzy." "Hi, Schultz." "Hello, Schultzy." "Hi, Schultz." "We brought the jackets in last night." "Beautiful." "These are going to give us a fighting chance on our mission." "Hey, watch it." "You almost fell through the floor." "Maybe it would have been better that way." "Help me." "All right, Carter, you'll leave your jacket on and stand over against the wall." "Look, Colonel, I know this is important, but I..." "We're only going through the motions of taking a shot at you." "Now, don't get all worked up." "It's not going to be dangerous, Sergeant." "Right." "I mean, old Schultz'll stop us, anyway, right?" "And, if he doesn't, the jacket will stop the bullet." "If the bullet goes through the jacket?" "We'll be happy to refund your money." "Thanks a lot, sir." "That makes me feel a lot better." "Good." "LeBeau, go get Schultz." "Tout de suite." "Right, sir." "I didn't even get a chance to volunteer for this." "Oh, pipe down." "You won't feel a thing." "Schultzy, Colonel Hogan wants to see you." "SCHULTZ:" "Yeah?" "What do you want?" "Hi, Schultz." "We're conducting an experiment." "Let me borrow your rifle, huh?" "My rifle?" "Thank you." "But wait a minute." "I mean, I didn't even get a chance to volunteer." "What's going on here?" "Are you nuts or something?" "You could kill him." "Don't you know there's a war on?" "He won't get hurt." "He's wearing a bulletproof vest." "Lieutenant Dubois invented it in his spare time." "Oh, monkey business." "I told you he'd tell Klink." "That's right." "And you all stay here, and don't you move." "So far, Dubois, we're batting a thousand." "You know what to do." "Oui, Colonel." "I have it all in mind." "I mean, if I'd have been asked to volunteer," "I might have said yes, but I wasn't even asked to volunteer." "Good shot, Colonel." "I'm proud to say the bullet has not penetrated." "It has been stopped." "Amazing!" "I told you he was a genius." "With plumbing, not a bulletproof vest." "Is this what you've been doing instead of fixing my sink?" "In his spare time, sir." "In war, there is no spare time, Hogan." "Now, I'm going to give you one more day to repair my pipes, and then you go back to the cooler." "Colonel, may I talk to you alone?" "Permission denied." "I've told you what to do." "But it's very important, Colonel." "Dubois, what are you trying to pull?" "I'm only interested in plumbing." "You know prisoners are supposed to get permission to talk to the commandant." "And that's an order." "Just a minute." "I give the orders in Stalag 13." "Schultz, get them out of here." "I'll make a formal protest." "Get them out of here." "Out!" "Dubois, if you sell out, you're going to be in trouble." "You hear me?" "Big trouble!" "What did he mean by "sell out"?" "He is very clever, Colonel." "He knows the value of a bulletproof vest like this one." "Oh, that's nothing." "Luftwaffe pilots have worn these flak vests from the beginning." "Not the same." "The metal has been specially treated." "My own invention." "I will give them to you, and all of these I have made." "I see." "So you're going to sell out, eh?" "What's the price?" "My freedom." "I want to join Petain in Vichy." "I don't have to bargain with you." "I can take that vest." "But not the formula for treating the metal." "( chuckles ):" "That is up here." "We have ways of gaining information." "Ah, Colonel, wouldn't it be wiser to turn this over to Berlin and get credit for something important?" "It could only help an officer's career." "That's an interesting idea." "Oui." "Not that my career needs any help." "No, of course not, Colonel." "I'll see what can be arranged." "Merci, Colonel." "Merci." "Yes, General Burkhalter," "I've been working on this little invention of mine, and now I feel it is ready for your inspection." "What's that, sir?" "Oh, well, sir," "I've always been a very creative person." "Hmm?" "Yes, sir." "I've created confusion, too." "Well, it happens to the best of us." "( chuckles )" "You're coming here?" "Oh, that's wonderful, sir." "I shall expect you then." "Heil Hitler." "( gunshot )" "Remarkable." "The fabric is torn, but the metal underneath is barely dented." "I told you I would deliver as promised, Herr General." "Yes." "Apparently the day of miracles is not over." "You said a special treatment of the metal." "What is that treatment?" "The formula for the treatment is locked up in here, General." "Is that so?" "Oui." "He'll give it to us, sir." "When I'm allowed to cross the border into Vichy." "He's a sellout artist." "Don't trust him." "Silence!" "Disgrace to the uniform." "I want my freedom." "You shall have it... if you live up to your part of the bargain." "I knew our little invention would be a hit." "Could be very useful for assault troops or special operations." "That's exactly what I was thinking, Herr General." "Yes, I knew you would be the moment I mentioned it." "How many of these have you made?" "A dozen, sir." "I want them sent to Berlin as soon as possible." "I shall be happy to deliver them personally, sir." "My aide, Captain Franz, will come for them." "Lieutenant Dubois, you will accompany him to Berlin." "Bonjour." "But Herr General, I feel that..." "A demonstration will be arranged for the Fuhrer himself." "I should love to show the Fuhrer how that vest works." "That is very kind of you, Klink." "Thank you, Herr General." "Except you won't be there." "No." "Why not, Herr General?" "Why should you demonstrate my invention?" "They're loading the car now, Colonel." "Okay, Kinch." "Let's move out." "Mind the store, huh?" "Right." "Good luck." "Guten Abend, Herr Hauptmann." "This is checkpoint Fritz." "May I see your papers, please?" "I have a pass from General Burkhalter permitting travel anywhere." "That is just what I need." "Get out." "( speaks German )" "Take off the uniform." "Nein." "Or would you rather I shoot it off?" "Schnell!" "All right, Newkirk, Carter, take him back to camp." "The underground will pick him up tomorrow night." "All right, sir." "Raus!" "Allez, au revoir, Lieutenant." "Bonne chance." "Au revoir, Colonel, Vive la France." "Au revoir, Colonel." "I will never forget you." "I'll never forget you, Lieutenant." "Merci." "Unless I need a plumber." "In that case, you'll be the first I'll forget." "Aha!" "Captain Franz, Lieutenant Dubois, the bulletproof vests-- all missing." "What do you know about this, Hogan?" "It's Burkhalter's way of keeping you out of it." "He wants to take credit himself." "Aha!" "I see." "He wants to make it look as if I know nothing about it." "Exactly, Commandant." "You know nothing." "Mm-hmm." "Mm-hmm." "Still, that Dubois-- he's a slippery type." "I didn't trust him." "Fixed your sink, didn't he?" "I haven't tried it yet." "Schultz, check the faucet." "There you are, Commandant." "Mm-hmm." "Fixed the sink, huh?" "!" "You and your Lieutenant Dubois!" "What do we do now?" "Well, if I were you, I wouldn't pay his bill." ""(End of Episode)""