"(PHONE RINGING)" "Oh, yeah" "ANDY:" "Kevin!" "As soon as I heard that wrapper" "You really have to say, "Oh, yeah,' every time you eat a candy bar?" "I can't help it, Oscar It's just really good" "Oh, yeah" "OSCAR:" "My hands are tied All right, not bad at all 20 minutes, though so let's try again" "Get it all out now if you have to" "It was a raccoon eating a hamburger like a person." "You need to stop banging your pen on your desk, or it's gonna drive me insane Okay, got it." "Does anyone have a first-aid kit?" "DARRYL:" "Check out this song I wrote." "I'm gonna love you downstairs tonight" "Listen, I say" "I mean, he looked like a little Hamburglar" "All right, here we go" "Everybody get ready in three, two Good luck." "One" "Love letters." "Yes, I love it" "What else can be done with paper?" "You can write a book about chairs" "Books." "Excellent, Jim" "All right, Andy, please, please, just stop" "You can do infinite things with paper." "(GASPING)" "(SHUSHES)" "Did you hear that?" "Infinity." "There is an infinity of things that you can do with paper" "Now, who wants to buy some paper?" "Yeah" "Very nice Very nice sales pitch for our clients that don't know what paper is" "I'm talking about you guys" "Who in this room right now wants to buy some paper?" "Let's get high on our own supply" "Andy, you want us to buy our own paper?" "Yes" "Robert said that we needed to double our sales growth to 8% by the end of the quarter That's today, and we are $830 short." "And I can't afford to keep buying paper from us, so today we need to sell $830 of paper, and then next quarter I need to sell the $2,200 of paper that's in my garage." "DWIGHT:" "Animals, machines, vast virtual armies." "All of these things I have successfully managed." "The only thing I haven't managed is people" "I saw an ad on the Sabre website for an open manager position in their printers division." "I spoke to Robert California about it, and he said for me to come by and see him some time." "So like a Spanish conquistador," "I have come to Florida to claim what is rightfully mine." "Dwight Schrute for Robert California." "Oh." "Hello, Mr. Schrute I'll tell him you're here Can I get you anything at all?" "I'm not here to be given anything" "I'm here to take what is mine" "Ooh." "I'm glad you're on our team Here, please have a seat." "Dwight?" "What are you doing here?" "Gabe." "You don't know?" "Of course I know" "Hmm." "Impressive office you have here" "Surrounded by shrubbery Like a squirrel's office" "Corporate says to me "Gabe, we need you in Scranton."" "Scranton says, "Gabe, go back down to Florida You're needed there.'" "So Tuesdays and Thursdays I'm up there." "Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays I'm down here" "I can think of no better way to confront my deathly fear of flying" "Dwight." "Robert" "You made it Yes" "Impressive initiative" "I don't know what's worse the trip or the destination." "(CHUCKLES)" "Well, let me settle in" "And I'll be with you shortly" "Very good" "Hey, C-SPAN" "So my Dad says an accountant can really help you out if they're willing to play ball." "Those were his words" "Gosh, Andy, you had a great quarter, okay?" "Robert will understand $800 is a rounding error" "So make that error Andy, no" "Hey, I can make that error Oh" "Well, it's just I know that making errors sounds like your kind of thing, but it's a little more complicated than that." "No, I" "It's just I really need a real accountant on this" "What do you say?" "because tonight I have a trivia contest in Philadelphia" "Aw" "Any other crunch time I would love to stay and cook the books for you so you can save face in front of your CEO but tonight is Triviacolypse What?" "It's only the biggest night of trivia of the year" "There's a $1 ,000 prize" "I'm committed to my friends They're committed to me" "You know what?" "Go." "Have fun" "There's a trivia contest at a bar in Philadelphia" "Stop right there I love it." "I'm in." "It's trivia." "In Philadelphia" "But here's the best part The prize is $1 ,000 and if we win, we can use that money to buy paper here close the gap on our 8% profit increase." "That's a great idea." "Yeah That's a great plan." "Yeah?" "You like it?" "All right All right, good stuff." "I'm so psyched you guys are into it, 'cause I thought" ""This sounds really stupid.'" "You just made a good idea a great idea." "There is one problem with this plan What?" "We'd have to leave work like, right now to do this" "You can reduce your prices by 1 0% or we're gonna be finding a new source for our morning bagels" "All right" "Gabe, I always wondered what it is you did around here" "Now I found out You're the bagel guy" "Yeah, but not just bagels All unwanted problems." "Question What's the most important appliance in your house?" "Meat grinder." "(IMITATES BUZZER) Too slow." "It's the toilet" "And I am the toilet of this office annoying problems so others can keep their hands clean, and just like a toilet I am essential." "You know, Gabe, you could have gone with garbage disposal incinerator, or eraser" "And instead you chose toilet" "God bless you You are an American classic" "Dwight, today is not my day at all, I'm afraid" "I'm not going to be able to meet with you" "But I'm leaving you in the very capable hands of our COO" "But I can give you this pitch in one minute" "He's gonna meet with you later." "No, no, no." "I don't want you to rush it, okay?" "Trust me." "Meet with Bill" "He's a great person to know I'll dialog with him tonight" "CEO to COO What a difference a letter makes." "Still an important position Still a chief." "You're really going to like Bill" "He has me toilet a lot of people for him" "(SIGHS)" "(PHONE RINGS)" "Hallway phone." "Gabe Lewis speaking" "ROBERT:" "Gabe, listen to me." "Don't bother Bill with this." "He needs to go put out a fire on the home front." "Just wait 20 minutes, and then I want you to listen to Dwight's p\itch." "Make him feel valued." "Make him feel heard." "Your wish is my command" "It's a command." "What are you doing here, Andy?" "You left us no choice" "But this should put a smile on your face" "How would you like to be captain of the Dunder Mifflin team?" "Although I reserve the right to overrule you What?" "No." "And you guys thought this was a good idea?" "a fun idea." "There were times on the two and a half hour drive when I experienced doubt" "But that's the thing about long drives you know?" "You're always going" "This is a gay bar Wait, what?" "Everyone in here is gay?" "Yes." "It's a gay bar so you guys want to go home now?" "No." "No" "MEREDITH:" "No Awesome" "What does this say about you that you followed me here?" "That you think you're going to win your sales quota at a gay bar's trivia night?" "It says that I believe in my staff's intelligence and that I'm willing to try anything" "Not "anything.'" "Good luck" "All right, we need to divide up into teams but it's winner take all so no need to divide evenly" "We need an A team a backup team, and a just-have-fun team" "So you guys all know yourselves" "Good timers, follow me" "Back-ups" "Go on, kid." "You know you don't belong here" "A team Okay" "All right, everybody, nice self awareness" "Except" "Okay" "There's a table over here" "All right, first question, everyone." "Ray Charles famously had this state on his mind." "What is its capital?" "Oh, we got this" "Let's reverse engineer this" "You're a black singer Where do you go?" "Somewhere where you're a novelty" "Alaska Atlanta." "I know you think that, because that's where the Olympics were held" "My cousins were actually at those Olympics" "Keep talking all you want" "How am I supposed to know what was on his mind?" "Ooh!" "What do blind people think about?" "Okay, dogs, canes signs, manholes, stairs piano, darkness." "Okay, time's up." "Let's get the boards up." "Atlanta, Georgia is the correct answer." "What?" "Hey, man." "Uh" "Look, unfortunately, Bill had to go fight a fire so, your appointment got" "There's no fires within eight miles of here" "Well, it's nine miles away" "I'm going to be meeting with you on his behalf." "What?" "No, no." "Excuse me, lady" "Get anyone from the COO's office on the phone this instant" "This must be very frustrating" "I can see you in the jungle now" "Hey, now, you're not an All-Star of the NBA, but you did get your game on when you won the NBA's Sixth Man of the Year Award in 201 1." "Who are you?" "Jim, Darryl, your time to shine" "Shawn Marion." "Yes." "Shawn Marion" "That doesn't sound right I want to say LaDamien Washington?" "Wrong for so many reasons" "Well, I know Elizabeth Taylor's sixth man was Richard Burton Is that helpful?" "That's it." "I'm gonna go watch the boats on the river" "Ron Artest, Kelly" "No, it's Lamar Odom" "If it had been Ron Artest it would have come up on Dancing with the Stars when they pan over his trophy case when he's at home with his family" "Lamar winning Sixth Man was a big storyline on Chloe and Lamar." "All right, boards up." "Let's see who got it." "Lamar Odom is what we were looking for." "(CHEERING)" "Lamar Odom." "ANDY:" "Oh, my God Lamar Odom" "Nice." "Nicely done" "You're my sports guys You're ESPN." "You're ESPN Classic" "Ryan is MSNBC." "I'm E!" ", TLC and Oxygen" "Chill, man." "This plan is airtight" "So it's a very simple argument of why I should be put in charge of southeast printer sales" "Nobody has sold more printers in the northeast than me." "Bottom line, I know the product I get it." "Well, you got my vote" "Oh, my God Yeah." "Most of all, I believe that character is destiny and my character is one that..." "Wait, why are you smiling?" "What?" "What's with the smile?" "You're doing great So good." "And my character is one that will never give up until greatness is on the horizon behind us" "Dwight, that was a fantastic presentation." "Put your hand on my hand" "Flush" "Ow" "Take me to Robert Ow." "He went home." "Take me to his house It's a condo." "It's long-term business housing" "You know where it is Lead me there" "Ow." "Stephanie, help" "Listen, you're a perfectly fine toilet" "I'm just an extraordinary piece of crap." "Let's go." "Ow" "Excuse me, sir, on the Dunder Mifflin A team." "Excuse me, sir." "Yeah?" "I'm sure you're just checking your Grindr account." "(ALL LAUGHING)" "But you can't check smartphones during trivia." "It's against the rules." "Okay, I'm turning it off" "Okay, you're not turning it off." "Sir." "Okay, then we're gonna have to take it away." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Okay, I can't not have my phone." "I'm sorry" "All right, guys, after nine rounds, let's check the scores." "In first place with nine points, it's Aesop's Foibles." "The Queerenstein Bears have seven points." "Dunder Mifflin A team has four points." "All right" "The D.M. Backup Team has three points." "The Einsteins have eight points." "(CHEERING)" "Ladies Gaga have five points." "MAN:" "Yeah" "So our best chance of hitting our mark is now in the hands and brains of Kevin Meredith, Erin and Kelly" "Do I like these odds?" "My answer is no." "Whoo!" "DWIGHT:" "Which one is it?" "I don't know!" "All I know is the building" "Robert!" "Robert California" "Robert Dwight" "How nice of Gabe to show you where I live" "Come around, 102" "All right, guys, time's up." "Who was the relatively unknown patent clerk who discovered that energy equals mass times the speed of light squared?" "Looks like everyone gets a point for Albert Einstein." "(CHEERING)" "Wait, except for the Einsteins." "That's all right." "Which means the top three teams are going to finish it off in the speed round." "So let's get everyone some bells." "In third place, we have the Einsteins." "Oh, yeah What?" "Second place, we have the Queerenstein Bears." "Yeah Come on!" "And first place is Aesop's Foibles." "Whoo" "Yeah, but they're going to get clobbered" "Ring it in when you know it." "First question." "This man had a fatwa declared on him when..." "Einsteins?" "What?" "What is it?" "I'm just the bell girl" "(BELL DINGING) Aesop's?" "Salman Rushdie." "Salman Rushdie is correct." "Heading out to sea, sailors." "On a square-rigged ship, the sail set furthest forward is called what?" "(BELL DINGS)" "Princess Ding-Dong do not hit that bell..." "Flying jib" "Flying jib is correct for the Einsteins." "(CHEERING)" "KEVIN:" "Flying jib." "Flying jib" "MEREDITH:" "No way" "Gentlemen" "(SIGHS)" "Give us just a minute." "Stew and I are just finishing up our lesson" "Trust me, one nine-minute bout is a cardiovascular equivalent of running uphill for three hours." "I could go to the gym three times a week or I can wrestle Stew once a month" "(GRUNTING)" "Grab my leg" "Yay, Robert" "Guys, please help yourself to some drinks from the fridge." "According to a recent survey, this is the most common learning disability among American adolescents." "Boom!" "ADHD No." "(DINGS) Wrong." "The answer is dyslexia" "That's correct for the Einsteins." "(CHEERING)" "All right Whoo!" "Yeah" "Sir, sir." "Dial it back." "This isn't Tail Feathers, okay?" "(ALL LAUGHING)" "MAN:" "Yeah" "They haven't really improved on the Oreo, have they?" "No, thank you" "Sit down, Dwight" "Let me tell you why I should be the next manager with a riddle." "A manager a salesman, a leader and a warrior walk into a restaurant." "The hostess says "Table for one?"" "How is this possible?" "You were dining alone All those people are you" "Yes." "Exactly." "Riddle number two Who is going... (INTERRUPTING)" "Your drive, your ambition it would be wasted on a manager's job." "And Florida, you don't want to live here" "Even I don't want to live here" "It's why I'm always at my place in Scranton" "Florida is America's basement" "It's wet." "It's filled with mold strange insects, alligators" "Alligators are dinosaurs, Dwight." "You know that, right?" "Eh..." "It's complicated" "This medal was my grandfather's" "He received it for acts of courage for excellence" "It's a tribute one man gives another a job, Dwight." "But why not let me give you something even better?" "It's a job interview Not a flea market." "Dwight, the job is not right for you." "Now, when something comes along that is right for you I'll try you out." "Now get the he out of my place" "Yes" "Final round." "Last two teams squaring off." "ready to play doctor." "Our question is about health and the human body." "Oh, come on" "The standard American analog scale has a maximum capacity of what weight?" "(DINGING)" "Three hundred pounds" "Point for the Einsteins." "Here's your final question." "Cinephiles, put on your memory berets." "This 2001 masterpiece from Gilles Paquet-Brenner explores the intricate dynamics of a family in disarray." "(SPEAKING FRENCH)" "Yes" "I'm sorry, no." "Over to the Einsteins." "Les Jolies Choses." "MEREDITH:" "Are you sure?" "Marion Cotillard exposes herself a number of times in that film." "The Einsteins win it." "No Yeah" "Come on" "Look, I know it's easy to say tonight was just a fluke, and maybe it was, but here's a piece of trivia" "A fluke is one of the most common fish in the sea" "So if you go fishing for a fluke, chances are you just might catch one." "Oh, boy." "Welcome to the Stonewall Alliance Trivia Championship\s!" "First prize is $2,500." "Let's just do our thing, collect our hardware and get the hell home" "Whoo Riboflavin." "Riboflavin?" "Michigan." "The President of the United States is POTUS." "John Steinbeck wrote The Grapes of Wrath"