"Out of all the videos of cities being destroyed," "I'm gonna go out on a limb and say, "this is the cutest"." "Oh, you know that's probably Wyatt." "Yeah, it's right." "Supposed to be in town for the weekend." "We're supposed to go to dinner tonight, but he hasn't even told me the place yet." "Nope." "Nope." "That is just a text telling me I have an e-mail asking me if I would like to continue the service that sends me a text every time I get an e-mail." "Oh, I got to get one of those smartphones." "Hi." "Is Burt here?" "I'm an old friend." "Uh... oh." "Hey, come on in." "Yeah, I'm his son, Jimmy." "Dad's at the store, but he'll be back soon." "He, uh, saw my daughter in a gorilla suit and had a craving for bananas." "I'm Jack." "Hey." "I'm Sabrina." "What's your ponytail's name?" "Magnus." "Well, uh, you know, make yourself comfortable." "Any friend of my dad's is a friend of mine." "And, of course, you must know my mother." "Oh!" "What..." " Oh!" " Aah!" "Mom, what the...?" "This is the man that kidnapped your father." "Dad was kidnapped?" "Not today. 20 years ago." "I may forget a face, but I never forget a unique hairstyle." "I love to scream!" "I love to scream!" "What kind of man lets his car run out of gas?" "The kind whose wife always insists on sticking her feet out the window." "That's why we get four miles to the gallon." "Oh, sure." "What about your jack rabbit stops and starts?" "What about your never checking proper tire inflation?" "'Cause I don't understand pounds of air." "Give me some money." "I'll pay, you pump." " $1.13?" " Yeah." "And get me half a Slim Jim." "They do that for me here." "No." "Keep an eye on that creepy guy by the RV." "He keeps staring at Jimmy." "I want my truck!" "What the hell you staring at my kid for, hippie?" "Hi there, Virginia." "Hot one out there, huh?" "Of course, not as hot as the snap you and I had in sixth grade." "Our little movie date." "They made us watch a film about the reproductive cycle." "And there were, like, 30 other kids there." "Plus aren't you the one who threw up?" "Did you come out of an owl's mouth?" "'Cause you are a hoot." "By the way, you look kind of thirsty." "Guess Burt can't afford to keep his lady hydrated." "You want a sip of my soda?" "I couldn't." "Ooh, your lips say you couldn't, but the sweat glistening in your glorious cleavage says," ""Me want sippy-sippy."" "Hey, lady." "Lady." "That hippie dude pulled a gun on your husband and forced him in his RV." "They went that way." "Oh, my God." "Burt's been kidnapped." "So hippie weirdo here sells your dad to a farm in Mexico and makes him pick cauliflower for weeks." "He finally escaped and hitchhiked all the way home." "That's the reason your father's always hated cauliflower." "No, I thought it was because it's not a real flower and it looks like brains." "Fine, he has a lot of good reasons to hate cauliflower." "Sabrina, Jimmy and me are going to keep an eye on this guy." "You go get some rope and call the cops." "Will do." "How did you never tell me Dad was kidnapped?" "We didn't want you to be afraid of strangers." "Kids are supposed to be afraid of strangers." "Bananas." "That's what I forgot." "What, uh..." "what's going on here?" "It's your kidnapper." "He came back." "Oh, my God." "What... what did he... why is he on the floor like that?" "I whacked him with the TV." "I'm getting pretty good at it." "Oh, this is bad." "This is really bad." "Burt, it's okay." "Sabrina's getting rope and calling the cops." "No, no, no cops!" "Virginia, they'll throw you in jail for... for hitting him on the head." "What are you talking about?" "He's the one who's going to jail." "Yeah, he kidnapped you." "He didn't kidnap me." "Wait." "Did you say "didn't?"" "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." "What do you mean, he didn't kidnap you?" "Well, kind of exactly what it sounds like." "What the hell you staring at my kid for, hippie?" "Dude, I'm checking out your cool car." "I'm a big car fan." "It's a '63 Ford Galaxie, right?" "Yeah." "That's a cool ponytail." "Six years, eight months, right?" "On Tuesday." "Burt Chance." "I'm a big hair fan." "Drink as much as you like." "I get unlimited refills." "And, uh, I give unlimited refills as a lover." "Wow." "No responsibilities." "You just drive around in your RV, and you do whatever you want." "That is so cool." "Yeah, I just got back from seeing the world's largest thermometer." "I always wanted to see that." "But I never got the chance." "I went from being stuck in my parents' house to being stuck in my Maw Maw-in-law's house." "I guess I'll never get to see the world's largest anything." "Unless that's the world's largest ponytail." "Nah, there's a guy in Tucson who's got three more inches." "Damn it." " You could come with me." " What?" "I'm just saying, if things are as bad as they looked, maybe your wife would be better off without you." "Burt!" "You put back the stupid milk with one sip left!" "Burt!" "God." "Your stupid leg is on my leg." "Burt, you left the stupid toilet seat up!" "Well, I don't think my wife would miss me much, but..." "I don't know." "I got a kid." "I don't know how the little guy would feel if his old man just up and took off on him." "Let's do this." "I told that kid to make up a story about me being kidnapped." "We headed out on the open road." "No wife, no kid, no responsibilities." "Just me, a dude with a ponytail whose name I had already forgotten, and our dreams." "For the first time, I only had to worry about feeding myself." "And Jack always knew how to find amazing food." "Sweet." "Someone ate the "B", but they left the "L" and the "T."" "Entertainment was no problem 'cause Jack had a universal remote." "At home, we always had to watch Jimmy's cartoons." "I never got to watch my cartoons." "To earn beer money, we sold our blood." "And because we had less blood, it took less beer to get drunk." "And I finally got to see the world." "For the first time in my life," "I was living by my rules, doing whatever I wanted." "I was free." "Things were awesome." "Until this happened." "What the hell is going on?" "Nothing." "I was just kissing you a little." "Why?" "Why?" "Why were you just kissing me a little?" "'Cause I felt like doing some kissing." "It was no big deal." "Don't you ever feel like doing some kissing?" "Yeah, but not with dudes." "I'm not into dudes, dude." "Me, neither." "But you know what?" "It's just the two of us, and the road does get lonely." "So just seems logical that we would pretend to be girls." "That doesn't sound logical to me." "Look, we're both straight." "We're just two straight guys kissing, thinking about girls." "How about this?" "How about you go find a girl?" "Dude, we live in an RV." "We eat leftovers out of hotel hallways." "That's..." "I mean, there aren't going to be any girls." "Girls." "That was when I realized that while this had been a nice vacation, it wasn't the life for me." "As much as I loved the freedom and the fun..." "I missed my girl." "Burt!" "You're alive." "You're not yelling." "Why are you not yelling?" "Yeah, Mom." "Yell at him." "Or hit him." "Or spit at me!" "Isn't that the way you like to handle things, Jimmy?" "I was four!" "I cannot believe that you abandoned me." "You know, maybe... maybe that's what scarred me for life." "Maybe that's why I never left home." "Because, deep down, I knew I had to be there for Mom." "Thanks, Jimmy, but you're free to go anytime." "You're really not mad." "No, I'm..." "I'm actually relieved." "Well, I guess I can see that." "You've probably been holding onto a lot of fear and trauma from me being kidnapped, and now you can let all that go." "No, I..." "I'm relieved because... now I can tell you my secret." "Oh!" "Sorry." "Sorry." "That's probably Wyatt with the name of the restaurant." "Nope." "It's just my mom." "Oh, sorry." "You had a secret." "What do you mean you have a secret, too?" "Okay, don't be mad." "Here's the thing..." "When you got kidnapped, I was a mess." "So, Burt seemed like a fairly simple guy." "I don't suppose he had any enemies?" "He, he could go on some pretty angry rants about cable TV." "You don't think it could be a cable worker, do you?" "I don't know." "But obviously, we're dealing with an armed and dangerous criminal." "So, it's probably best that I guard the house overnight." "Damn right you will." "Oh, and if you need any pajamas, you can borrow Burt's." "Or, or Jimmy's." "We'll figure out something." "For two weeks," "I clung to the hope that you would somehow get away or at least find a way to call." "Hey." "Just got an update." "There's no sign of Burt anywhere." "But as each day passed by," "Ross pointed out that the odds of me ever seeing you again got smaller and smaller." "And eventually I started to get used to the fact that you weren't coming back." "After a couple of weeks, you not being here became our new normal." "Is this jelly on here?" "Why didn't you use the maple syrup?" "Oh, top shelf?" "Yeah, top shelf." "You need to face facts:" "that deadbeat husband of yours is never coming back." "And you need a man." "That Ross isn't going to keep trying forever to win you over." "As soon as that police department needs someone to crawl through a small opening, he'll be gone." "I'm willing to climb for you." "Maybe it was time to move on." "And the more I paid attention, the more I saw how different things were with Ross here." "We were nicer, more cooperative." "Like poor white Cosbys." "And I never realized how sexy it was, living with a man who leaves more milk in the carton than on his shirt." "Plus it was nice not having to worry about a splash landing every time I used the toilet." "I could even see some pluses to sleeping with a guy who took up less room on the bed than a cocker spaniel." "Oh." "Hi." "Sorry, Virginia." "Thought I heard a noise." "Came in to check, and I guess I must've fallen asleep." "And it wasn't just me." "Jimmy was way more relaxed." "He got along better with Ross than he ever did with Burt." "And the tiny knight?" "He saved the queen and the young prince, and swept them away to live with him in his three-bedroom, end-unit castle, with below-ground parking!" "And there, they drank unlimited fizzy pop, and played ping-pong happily ever after." "The end." "Good night." "I give up." "The three sweetest words in the English language." "You and your mom are going to love living with me." "Ping-pong!" "That was just elaboration for the story, but I do have some fizzy pop." "I have some suitcases you could use." "I'll go grab them." "Oh!" "I'm going to make you the happiest woman on Earth." "Burt!" "You're alive!" "Well, you know about my never say die attitude." "Well... yeah..." "That's basically it." "I'll fill in the rest later." "I need a shower." "Hey, little fella, what are you doing here?" "Oh, um..." "Ross has just been staying here in case the kidnappers called." "Oh..." "Well, you can leave now." "Thanks." "You're not really going to stay with that loser, are you?" "V-Virginia, come on, please." "I'll cook, I'll clean, I'll put the toilet seat down." "I'm a great role model for your son." "You're just so short." "I can't believe while I was possibly being kidnapped and possibly being forced into white slavery, you were playing house with the guy in health class who threw up watching You and Your Fluids." "That puker stepped up and took care of your family while you were out swapping spit with a drifter." "It was a closed-mouth kiss." "No spit was swapped." "Yours is worse." "Excuse me." "Why do you people keep hitting me in the head?" "I'm sorry, that was my fault." "It's kind of my go-to thing." "Here, put this on it." "I guess I probably deserve it." "Every time I go past the world's largest confessional," "I try to clear my conscience, but I just can't shake the awful thing I did to your family." "What awful thing?" "Well, I promised your old lady that I'd never tell, but" "I figure after 20 years she's long been dead, so..." "What old lady?" "I think her name was, uh..." "That hippie talks too damn much." "I ain't telling." "You can't make me." "Make you?" "You were already in the middle of telling us." " I was?" " Yeah." "Oh." "Okay, then." "Where was I?" "The beginning." "Of course." "Uh..." "I never liked Burt very much." "And since it was painfully clear that Virginia and her kid weren't going anywhere, I had to at least try to get Burt out of the picture." "So I did whatever I could to cause a little friction." "Burt!" "God!" "Your stupid leg is on my leg!" "Oh, my..." "I even got the kid hopped up on sugar so he'd be a hyperactive pain in the ass." "But no matter what I did," "I couldn't separate Mr. and Mrs. Freeloader." "So I came up with my master plan." "I hired a drifter to convince Burt to run away with him." "Luckily, all the man wanted in return was to do a little kissing." "Then I just had to make sure that Burt would want to run away that day." "So I siphoned the gas out of the tank... which was disgusting, but did get the taste of drifter out of my mouth." "And I gave Jimmy as much sugar as his tiny little heart could handle." "I knew by the time you met up with Jack you'd be ready to rip each other's throats out." "Then Burt here threw me a curveball by faking the whole kidnapping thing." "I saw an opportunity when Officer Wyatt Twerp showed up." "I trained Ross to know how to keep Virginia happier than she was with Burt." " I even cut all" " Jimmy's sugar out so he'd seem calmer around Ross." "It was all going great... until Burt came back." "If you weren't 85 and I wasn't afraid you'd win the fight, I'd take a swing at you." "Burt, don't." "She'll win." "I can't believe you tried to break up Mom and Dad." "I never stopped." "I smear my lipstick on Burt's collar." "I've been writing Virginia's name on bathroom walls so random guys will call." "I'm the one who never flushes." "I told you I was framed." "Wow." "She's been trying to break you guys up for 20 years, and you're still together." "That's amazing." "It sure is." "Ew." "Eventually the police showed up, but thanks to Jack's kind nature and mild concussion, he didn't want to press charges." "So, you just drive around in your RV and do whatever you want?" "Yeah, I just got back from seeing the world's smallest horse." "I've always wanted to see that." "There's plenty of room in the RV." "Maw Maw tried to break up Mom and Dad." "But when two people are meant to be together, there's nothing you can do to tear them apart." "But when two people are not meant to be together, it's got to be a lot easier." "Hey." "Did I just hear my phone?" "Um..." "I didn't hear anything." "Oh..." "I can't believe Wyatt hasn't texted me yet." "You know what?" "Screw him." "You want to go get some food?" "Sure." "How about Mr. Chow's?" "Uh..." "I was thinking Italian."