"Will... you're not going to believe what just happened." " Are you watching this?" " I've never seen "The Usual Suspects."" "They're just about to reveal who Keyser Soze is." "It's Kevin Spacey." "Okay." "Listen, coming off the stunning success of..." "I have been asked to play the lead in an employee training video for the Canterville Plate Glass Company." "Well, good for you, Jack." "What's the video about?" "It's a hard-hitting look at sexual harassment in the workplace." "( laughing )" "I'm sorry, Jack." "Sexual harassment?" "Starring the guy that asked his coworker at Starbucks if he had two nipples for a dime?" "Which by the way, was the beginning of a fulfilling three-day relationship." " Couldn't you once be happy for me?" " Don't you think it's possible that maybe I'm jealous because you've got this great new job and I've been unemployed for a month?" " Oh no, are you?" " Yeah, right." "Hateful." "I'm raiding your closet." "They said dress like a repressed straight guy." "Hey, I need you to help me sue someone." "Did the lady at the Korean market call you mister again?" "You buy one tube of cream bleach and you're mister for the rest of your life." "No, but that has nothing to do with this." "Okay, I have this client, right?" "I have a signed contract." "I spend a huge chunk of money and then" " He backed out." " Wow." "See?" "See?" "This is what I need." "Someone who'll show Ben Doucette he can't order a moustache chair" " and then back out." " What?" "It's sort of like a club chair, but the top is curvy" "No, not the chair." "Ben Doucette of Doucette  Stein?" "Yeah, he's some big deal lawyer guy." " You-- you know him?" " I know of him." "He's a killer." "Sweetie, you need a real litigator, not a corporate attorney." "Especially one who's spent the last month arguing the case of ass versus sofa cushion." "What is this?" "Do I hear doubt, Mrs. Doubtfire?" "( scoffs ) I just" " I don't know if I can do this." "I mean, this is Ben Doucette and I'm" "I'm a little rusty." "Come on, Little Rusty." "You can do this." "As Jane Seymour says to her wheelchair-bound husband in every Lifetime movie..." ""I believe in you."" "Oh my God, I watched two of those today." "I'll do it." "Hi, Grace." "Bye, Grace." "Can't talk." "In a movie." "Just enough time to grab some ice cream and run to acting class." "Why don't you just combine them and study with "Uta Hagen" Dazs." " You don't get that, do you?" " Not really, no." "(theme music playing)" "All right, he's kept us waiting half an hour." "I say we go find him in his office." "Listen to you, Mr. "Thing with the boom boom."" "I love it when you get like that." "I've just been thinking, why am I scared of this guy?" "He's a lawyer." "How intimidating can he be?" "You be in my office in one hour, and be nervous." "Hello, I'm Benjamin Doucette." " Will Truman." " I know who you are," " your reputation precedes you." " Your reputation precedes you." "And Mr. Truman, my reputation precedes your reputation." "Can you believe I said that without a cigar?" "Let's do this." "A cup of proper coffee in a copper coffee cup." "Unique New York." "Unique New York." "Unique New-- Hello, Mr. Dent." " Looking forward to working with you." " Uh-huh." "Oh, I've brought you another resume." "I've updated my special skills." "Um..." "I now know stage combat, banjo, and as of last night I can drive a commuter ferry." " Kind of." " Bad news." "We're canceling the shoot." "Oh no, no, no." "I didn't get a message." "I didn't leave a message." "The girl dropped out." "She got an airborne virus." "It's attacking her joints." "Mr. Dent, we can't-- we can't cancel." "Look, this is my big break, okay?" "I've already taken ads out in "Variety" congratulating myself." "I'm sorry." "Unless a girl walks through that door this minute, we're done." "Honey... when I agreed to drive you to the set, you didn't say it was on Staten Island." "How the hell am I ever going to get the stench of landfill and working class families out of tropical lightweight wool?" "What are you looking at, eye bags?" "I'm gonna make a wild guess here and say you two are more than friends but less than lovers." " You're gay and she's straight." " Very good." "Now if you guess my weight you get a t-shirt that says," ""That's really none of your business."" "Now what we're looking for is full reimbursement for expenses." "So you were two years out of law school when you started your own practice." "That's pretty risky considering you were on the partnership track at Getman  D'Onofrio." "( clears throat )" "We also seek token amount for compensatory damages." "And then you go and steal Harlin Polk right out from under them." "Now that I love." "That's-- that's theater, man." "It's very impressive." "We're also looking for interest on the money she laid out." "But it must be rough." "One minute you're a rising star, and then the next you're sitting at home watching" "I'm guessing Lifetime." "And right in the middle of... a "Designing Women" marathon, the thought starts to creep in." ""Maybe I've lost it." "Maybe I never even had it to begin with."" "What is with you and the nuts?" "!" "Are you gonna eat one or what?" "Don't like eating 'em." "Just like crushing 'em." "Oh, give me a break." "Shouldn't you be stroking a white cat while you say that?" " Excuse me?" " This is it?" "This is the famous Ben Doucette intimidation tactic?" "You crush nuts?" "That's why I should never meet a legend." "It's always disappointing." "Like the time I met Big Bird at the ice Capades." "Not so big." "So unless you're prepared to make me an offer," "I'm out of here." "Here's your offer." "Let me know what you think." "It's good to see you again." "Ha!" " Ha?" " Oh, he knows what I meant." " What happened?" "What happened?" " Well..." " He made us an offer." " Oh!" "Yes!" "What's it say?" "What is it?" "He offered..." " me a job." " Yes!" "What?" "No!" " Wow." " What kind of offer is that?" "What was he thinking?" "Why would he do that?" "( gasps )" "Oh my God." "Don't you see?" "The only reason you were offered a job is so that he can slither out of the lawsuit." "Of course, that ruthless bastard offered me a five-year contract, paid vacation, a huge signing bonus, all to make a dispute over slipcovers go away." "How could I have been so blind?" "Why do your people always go to sarcasm first?" "Okay, so it was a real offer." "You're not actually thinking of taking it, are you?" "Well, let me think about this." "I got a job, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba" "I got a-- Come on." " How could you not be happy for me?" " How can I be happy for you?" "You were on my side and now you're bailing on me." "I" "I think that sucks." "Would you consider this?" "That once I'm on the inside," "I'll be able to settle this and maybe even get you a lot more money." " You a job, job, job." " I got a job, job, job." "So it goes line, line, line, do the inappropriate gesture, then freeze and the announcer moves in." "Okay?" "You guys ready?" "Jack?" "Jack?" "I'm sorry, I'm at one with my character right now." "So from here on in, could you please refer to me as Mr. Weckerly?" "Uh... no." "Good idea, I'll use that." "I'll use that." "Okay, places." "Rolling." "And... action." "Good morning, Mr. Weckerly." "I brought you the file for the Hermanschlau meeting." "Thank you." "Oh, Miss Bartholomew, you have a piece of fuzz on your shoulder." "Allow me." "Oh!" "( laughs )" "Cut!" "Okay, lady, you need to freeze." "I was freezing." "Oh, you meant-- I'm sorry, I'm sorry." "Excuse me." "You're gonna ruin this for me." " What are you doing?" " Honey, what are you doing?" "That tongue of yours could have a career." " It's driving me crazy." " Places." "Let's make some magic, people." "And... action." "Good morning, Mr. Weckerly." "I brought you the file for the Hermanschlau meeting." "Thank you." "Oh, Miss Bartholomew, you have a piece of fuzz on your shoulder." "Allow me." "Okay, stop." "What you've just witnessed is an example of inappropriate office behavior." "Clearly, this female employee is uncomfortable, and finds her boss's overture unwelcome." "Meats and cheeses, you are rockin' my clock, Mary." "Cut!" "Cut!" "What is going on, people?" "You're supposed to freeze." "I was freezing, I'm working with an amateur." " You freeze or you're out of here." " Okay, God bless you." "Let's go again, people." "You blow this for me, and so help me God, you'll wake up with Rosario's head in your bed." "Then just don't put it all the way in." "I'll have to adjust my whole character, but whatever." "Dent:" "Okay, people in theirplaces." "Settle, and... action." "Morning, Weckerly." "I brought you the file for the..." "Hermanschlau meeting." "Thank you." "Oh, Miss Bartholomew, you have a piece of fuzz on your shoulder." "Allow me." "Okay, stop." "What you've just witnessed is an example of inappropriate office behavior." "Clearly this female employee is uncomfortable and finds her boss's overture unwelcome." " Sensitivity could effect your" " Cut!" "Cut!" "Cut!" "Cut!" "You're gonna cut now?" "Oh, typical man." "No, no, no, no, no." "No, no, no." "We are gonna do this until we get it right, okay?" "Have you met my assistant Mrs. Freeman?" " No." "Mrs. Freeman, nice to meet you." " Mm-hmm." "Okay." " What's with the tux?" " Well, I'm going to a dinner." "They're honoring African-Americans who run big-time law firms in New York City." "It's being held in a phone booth on the Upper East Side." "( Will laughs )" "Is that the same phone booth where they held the Gays for Buchanan rally?" "Yes." "So what'd you want to see me about?" "Oh, it's this whole thing with Grace." "Oh yes, I am so glad you brought that up." "Make it go away, would you?" " Okay, you just want me to pay her off?" "." " No, no, no." "I don't want you to pay, no." "I want you to take her to arbitration and kick her ass." "Hmm." "Wrong cufflinks." "Murphy's got a good pair." "Let's get his." "How important is this, really?" "The amount is only slightly less than you paid for those cufflinks... that you just threw into my garbage pail." "It's not about the money, Will." "I don't lose." "And since you're working for me now, you don't lose." "But you're putting me in a kind of awkward situation here." " Grace is my friend." " Yeah?" "Don't you think that's a conflict of interest?" "Will, do you know how many people" "I've pissed off by giving you this office?" " Have a good night." " But" "I really don't have a choice in this, do I?" "Huh-uh." " Knock knock." " Hey." "Oh my God." "Look at this place." "Will, I think the only thing that is missing is the orchid I stole from the lobby." "Ohh." "Ohh." " What's with the face?" " Sweetie-- sit down, we need to talk." " Traitor!" " Grace, just take my check." "I don't want your money." "I want his money." "Yeah, but he's paying me now, so in a way, this is his money." " I will see you in court." " It's not court, it's arbitration." "We'll be in a conference room with an arbitrator there." "Then I will see you in a conference room with the arbitrator there." "That did not sound as good." "What a day, huh?" "Only 148 takes." "My tongue's drier than a Triscuit in an old lady's cupboard, but I think we got it." "Mmmm, hah!" " You coming to the cast party?" " You see that bag of Doritos?" " Yeah." " That is the cast party." "Well, thank you very much." "You've just ruined my chance to ever work with Bob Dent again." "Honey, I feel great." "Karen, I hate to give notes to fellow actors, but you were really unprofessional today." "Couldn't you have contained yourself?" "." "Couldn't you have shown some kind of respect for acting?" "Couldn't you just" "Chaka Khan, you totally found my G-spot." "Oh!" "Okay, honey, now do me, do me, do me." "Okay, that's good." "Oh, I like that." " Okay." " Okay, me again, me again." "Keep your boobies away, I'm trying to imagine Matt Damon." "Hi, you must be Mr. Buhne, arbitrator." "Grace Adler, victim." "I know you have to remain entirely neutral, but I also know you have to eat." "Which is why..." "I have put together a roasted chicken, artichoke salad and some kreplach direct from Flatbush." "Ms. Adler, I can have no part in that." "Now, would you please sit down so we may begin?" "I understand." "I will just leave it right over here... in case you want a nice little nosh." " Grace, where is your lawyer?" " I don't need a lawyer because I have right on my side." " But you need someone" " Excuse me, Your Honor, can you instruct opposing counsel to stop badgering the witness?" "Grace, you're not a witness, he is not a judge, this is not a trial and you are not a lawyer." "I know you are but what am I?" "Okay, so we're in that headspace." "Keep going, keep going." "I'm just hiding." "My ex-wife's in the building." "Every time she sees me, it costs me $10,000." "Will?" " Shouldn't you be over here?" " Oh." "Right." "All right then, let's begin." "I'll give each of you an opportunity to argue your side." "Based on the legal merit of those arguments," "I will render a decision." "Mr. Truman, would you care to begin?" "According to paragraph three of the contract, any of Ms. Adler's purchases had to be mutually agreed upon by both parties." "Ms. Adler made said purchases without the consent of my client therefore he should not be required to pay." "Ms. Adler?" "My choices were gorgeous." "Defense rests." "Yeah, but they were not mutually agreed upon." "Look, my choices were flawless." "And if your client can't see that, he is guilty of extremely bad taste." "And isn't that the real crime here today?" " Gracie, there is no" " Objection!" "The familiar cutening of my name implies we like each other." "Ms. Adler, though it's clear you know a lot of legal terms, you've yet to use a single one of them properly." " May I approach the bench?" " You'd have to build one first." "All right, Mr. Truman, I'm going to rule in your favor." " What?" " Thank you." " Now if you could just" " What?" "No!" "How could this happen?" "I mean, this is so unfair." "Why should I be out thousands of dollars just because you changed your mind?" "Okay, maybe I don't know the legal words, but I know the difference between right and wrong and what is wrong is that I worked hard for you." "I did good work, and I'm honest, and that obviously doesn't mean anything." "Okay, Will, let's wrap this up." "Uh..." "( clears throat )" "You know what?" "I can't do this." "Why not?" "Because I'm on the wrong side of this table." "Mr. Truman, outside." "I'm sorry, Ben." "It's this thing I have-- a conscience." "I tried to get rid of it in law school, but it didn't take." "I don't think I'm the kind of lawyer you want for this firm." "You're wrong." "You're exactly what I want." "Mrs. Freeman, make sure Grace gets her check." "Mm-hmm." "What just happened?" "Underneath it all you're just a big old softie?" "Underneath it all I'd sell my grandmother down the river if it got me a continuance." "But I have me." "That's why I need you." "Wait, wait, wait." "So what, this was just a test?" "Like this is Willy Wonka and you've just given me the keys to the chocolate factory?" "Will, you've got your job." "But please, don't refer to me as the chocolate factory." " See you tomorrow." " But..." "You know I didn't mean anything by the chocolate factory remark, right?" "Mm-hmm." " What happened?" " You're getting your check." " And I still have my job." " You're kidding!" "I know." "Thank you." "I promise you, I will never again... ( mimicking Italian accent ) take sides against the family." "Come on, your attorney's buying you lunch." "Gracie, am I wrong, or is there some large round object in your pants that is not your ass?" "Yeah, I didn't think I was going to win, so I stole his bowl." "That's the bowl Ben keeps his nuts in." " Okay, puttin' the bowl back." " Oh..." "(theme music playing)"