"Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Jeff Dunham!" "Thank you so much." "Thank you very much." "Have a seat." "Oh, my gosh." "Ladies and gentlemen, it does not get any better than this, right here at the Dolby In Hollywood, California!" "This is fantastic and I..." "I have to tell you, you know, this is right here, they have the Oscars, the Academy Awards." "Doesn't get any better than that." "This is fantastic, and tonight we are here." "Plenty of adult beverages." "Yes?" "And a middle-aged guy onstage, arguing with his dolls." "It's a magical night, ladies and gentlemen." "But I am a ventriloquist, for those of you who might not have figured that out yet." "And people ask me all the time, "Jeff, why this, as a career?"" "Well, I've never done anything else." "I taught myself ventriloquism in the third grade, got a dummy, and just kept practicing." "I didn't have any brothers and sisters, so there was no one there to tell me that what I was doing was incredibly lame." "And since I was adopted," "I guess my parents were like, "Net our fault."" "As a kid, I didn't know it was weird to be a ventriloquist." "But I got picked on for it." "The good part was the bullies didn't know who to stuff in the gym locker first, me or the freaking doll." "As for my parents, they were supportive of my hobby." "But when I was a kid, if I said something stupid, my father would go, "Stop talking out of your butt."" "Ironically, that could be a Whole new bit in my show." "A little muffled voice, "Let me out."" "I'm working on it." "By the time junior high relied around, to make matters worse, not only was I a ventriloquist, but I also chose to play the trombone." "Yep, the babes were lined up for that." "So, in school I had braces," "I played the trombone, and I carried around a dummy." "Even the nerds were like, "Dude, you can't sit with us."" "I'm not kidding, the short school bus started picking me up simply 'cause the driver figured he was supposed to." "After I graduated from college," "I moved out to Los Angeles, got married, had three girls, and because it was part of our everyday lives," "I guess my girls thought that what I did for a living was not unusual." "One day when my youngest daughter was playing at a friend's house, she turned to the other kid and goes," ""Where are your daddy's dolls?"" "True story." "But my daughters are now young women," "I'm remarried, I'm the luckiest guy on the planet to have my wife, Audrey." "When we got married, I knew I came with a lot of baggage." "There's an ex-wife, three daughters, six talking dummies..." "But we're here tonight because my act has taken me places" "I 'd never thought possible." "We've done shows in South Africa, Abu Dhabi, Israel, Malaysia and places where they can barely speak English." "Like France and southern California." "But they even want me in China." "Heck, yeah, I'll go to China." "And then I can see the factory where small children make my Jeff Dunham merchandise." "Oh, like Santa Claus is any freaking different." "But I'm kidding, all of my merchandise is made right here in the good ol" US of A." "Including the little stickers on the back that say, "Made in China."" "But..." "You guys ready for the little people in the boxes?" "The first guy I would like to introduce," "I think audiences like because everyone knows someone like this." "You know somebody like this in your own family, or where you work." "Please help me welcome my old friend, Walter." "Shut the hell up." "Walter, they like you." "Only 'cause they were drunk before they got here." "Aren't you happy to be here?" "Not exactly." "Why not?" "This town is too freaking bizarre for me." "Why do you say that?" "On my way in here tonight, I saw Aquaman on Hollywood Boulevard." "What the hell?" "Why would Aquaman be on Hollywood Boulevard?" "Well, there's a drought, I guess he's homeless." "You know, Walter, there are a lot of things to like about Los Angeles." "Like what?" "Traffic from hell." "Highest gas prices in the country." "Wildfires." "Mudslides and earthquakes, yay!" "I love it here!" "Dumb ass." "You ever been in an earthquake?" "Uh, does my wife falling off of the couch count?" ""What the..." "Oh, it's you." "All right."" "Why are you in a bad mood already?" "Well, do you know what it's like to wake up and discover that your wife of 45 years has left and isn't coming back?" "No, I don't." "Yeah." "Me neither." "But I can dream, can't I?" "Is it really that bad?" "Yes." "The other day, before her birthday, she started yelling at me," ""Tomorrow, I'd better see a diamond."" "Oh, a diamond." "What'd you do?" "I took her to a baseball game." "So, does your wife like Hollywood?" "Yeah, but she thinks it's crazy how many folks in this town get plastic surgery." "Oh." "She wouldn't do that?" "Why?" "Why not?" "Come on." "Putting new headlights on a minivan doesn't make it a Corvette." "Yeah, these guys know what I'm talking about." "And the women who get those fake, giant whoo-haws, they don't want you to miss them either." "How's that?" "If you look those women in the eye when you're talking to them, they get all pissed off and they go, "Hey, my boobs are down here."" "I bet your wife likes at least a few things in LA." "Like what?" "I don't know, The Kardashians are filmed here." "I'm sorry, I threw up in my mouth a little." "Kardashians." "Hey!" "Who the hell's that new tall chick?" "She's kind of hot." "Did I miss something?" "Yeah, I think so." "What the hell are you laughing at?" "Walter, that's Caitlyn." "Who the hell is Caitlyn?" "Oh!" "Bruce has a sister?" "No." "What the hell is so funny?" "What, is she available?" "No, I don't know." "Like, what does your wife watch on TV?" "I don't care." "Are you guys happy?" "Look at me." "Well, you still love her." "Yeah, of course, but like most marriages, we have been through some difficult times." "Sure." "But we stayed together because of the children." "Oh, you say your children saved your marriage?" "Yeah." "Bastards." "Well, admittedly, a good marriage can be hard work." "Yeah, I know, I know, I know, I know it can, yeah." "We went to a marriage therapist one time." "Just once?" "It was a therapist." "You didn't like the therapist?" "Oh, no, he seemed like a good guy, but after listening to my wife talk for 10 minutes, he jumped out the window." "Seriously?" "Absolutely." "And if it wasn't for the leash around my nuts," "I would've followed the guy." "It was a choke collar." "All right." "Look, Walter, I know for a fact that you love your family, you still love your wife, and I think that even at this age, every once in a while you should still try and be romantic with your wife." "Good lord." "Like how?" "I don't know, do you ever speak to your wife in a foreign language, like in French?" "Some women love that." "I call her a French name now and then." "Mon cherie." "Quasimodo." "So, is there romance between you two?" "Well, not long ago, my wife left a trail of rose petals on the floor for me." "Oh." "Into the bedroom?" "Right out the front door." "You know, there are plenty of romantic places in this country you could go for a special time together." "Like where?" "Top of the Empire State Building." "Oh, no, we tried that." "A security guard took one look at her and went, "Uh-oh." ""King Kong is back!"" "See, just like that." "You've been married for over 45 years." "Have you ever said anything to your wife that you truly regretted?" "Oh, yeah." ""Will you marry me ?"," ""I love you," shit like that." "Come on, when your wife is a romantic mood, do you ever think about taking one of those little pills?" "Cyanide?" "Oh, yeah." "I do actually." "Come on, what does your wife put on when she's feeling frisky at bedtime?" "Night vision goggles." "Then she sneaks around the house and hunts my ass down." "It is scary stuff, my friends." "When was the last time you even put your arms around your wife?" "A couple of weeks ago when she was choking on a piece of steak." "You see, there you gave her the Heimlich." "Yeah, I know, I was drunk." "I don't know what I was thinking." "I was so close." "Maybe you could do something simple, like watching a movie together." "Oh, no, every time we watch a movie, she falls asleep." "And the next morning I have to drive back to the theater to pick her up and bring her home." "Have you done anything fun in town here this week?" "You know I don't like getting out." "Oh, you're a little bit of a hypochondriac." "Yeah, why don't you wear one of those paper masks?" "Why, it's paper, it can't stop anything." "I mean hell, the Constitution is paper, and it's never stopped our current administration." "Just trying to get a read on the crowd tonight." "So I take it you're not exactly happy with our government right now?" "Are you kidding me?" "Congress's approval rating is at 12%." "Jock itch has a higher rating than that." "So you paying attention to the presidential candidates?" "Oh, yeah." "How would you feel about a female president?" "Oh!" "Fine with me." "Just whoever it is, make sure it's after she hits menopause." "Walter." "What?" "I was there when my wife went through it." "If she had been President then, holy crap!" ""I'm hot, I'm cold, I'm sweaty!" "I'm clammy!" ""Fuck you, Russia." "Launch the missiles!"" "I'm sorry." "You realize you just offended about half the room here?" "Yeah, and the other half is trying not to look at their wives and going, "Yeah, he's got a point."" "So, you told me you've been getting on the computer a lot lately." "Oh, yeah." "I've been getting on Facebook. (LAUGHS)" "What?" "You get on Facebook?" "Yeah." "What do you do on Facebook?" "I like getting on there and defriending everybody possible." "Why?" "Just so they'll wonder what the hell they did wrong." "It's funny as hell." "That's not nice." "I know." "If it was nice, it wouldn't be funny as hell." "I did actually lose a friend on Facebook the other day without defriending him." "How's that?" "Well, an old buddy of mine posted that his wife died." "Oh." "I clicked "like"." "Then I posted, "Mine's still alive." "Sad face."" "So you're getting into social networking?" "Yeah, a little bit." "You know what I don't understand is why young couples today keep nude photos of themselves on their phones and then text them to each other." "What the hell?" "When I was young and dating my wife," "I never thought, "She's so beautiful." ""I'm going to marry her." "But first I'm going to send her" ""this picture of my balls."" "What?" "People ask me all the time if my show is family friendly." "What am I supposed to say now?" "It depends on your family." "Well, since you've gone there, do you and your wife have a decent love life?" "Oh, she does things to mix it up now and then." "Really?" "Yeah, she bought a pair of handcuffs." "Really?" "Yeah." "Like I needed another reminder that I'm serving a life sentence." "Handcuffs at our age, that's like" "Fifty Shades of Old and Gray." "So, is there good communication between you two?" "I guess." "The other night she said," ""Your lips say no, but your eyes say yes."" "What'd you say?" ""I have glaucoma."" "So how's the actual love life?" "You mean sex?" "Yes." "It's always doggy style." "Walter." "Yep, she rolls over and plays dead." "Then I just lick myself and go to sleep." "I'm sorry." "Walter." "Come on, good comedy to me can paint vivid pictures in everybody's heads." "That was a fucking Van Gogh." "Yes, it was." "Say goodnight, Walter." "Thanks, everybody!" "That's all..." "All right." "Thank you." "Well, behind me you see something that hints at the next guy." "He's from somewhere down south." "He's a good ol" boy." "Please help me welcome my buddy, Bubba J." "How you doing, Bubba J?" "I'm doing perty good!" "So, what's been going on lately?" "Well, uh, last week I went to another NASCAR race and got perty hammered." "(LAUGHS)" "Drunk again?" "Oh." "No, it's the same drunk, I just keep extending it." "Yeah, if you're not drinking at a NASCAR race, you're not at a NASCAR race." "Where are you?" "You're at golf." "Well, Bubba J, do you drink excessively?" "I don't know what that word means." "What's the longest you've ever gone without a beer?" "How long have I been out here?" "Less than a minute." "There you go." "Do you know your drinking limits?" "Uh, daily or lifetime?" "How can you tell someone's lifetime limit on drinking beer?" "Well, if they die when they're drinking, that was it." "What I meant was, do you know how much beer you could have before you've had too much?" "I could have too much beer?" "Sure." "That would be fantastic." "Have you ever drank as much as you wanted?" "Yeah." "What happened?" "You looked pretty." "Can't you have fun without beer?" "Yeah, but why risk it?" "I don't know." "Would you rather drink beer out of a can, a bottle, or on tap?" "Uh, yes, yes, and yes." "Just remember, Bubba J, you should never drink alone." "You're not fooling anybody." "That's why you have us." "So your favorite time to drink is at sporting events?" "Uh, yes, sporting events, yeah." "It's good, yeah." "Do you drink beer every day?" "Uh, only on my days off." "Oh." "You don't have a job." "Ta-da!" "My favorite holiday to get drunk on is St. Patrick's Day." "Oh!" "There's all the Germans." "Right." "I didn't know you were Irish." "I'm not." "I also get drunk on Cinco de Mayo and Martin Luther King Day, and I'm not Mexican or black." "Oh, okay." "Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry." "What?" "I don't want anybody thinking I'm racist." "Why would anyone think you're racist?" "Because I said "Mexican"." "And I also said "black", sorry about that." "Sorry." "Bubba J, it's okay to say "Mexican" and "black"." "It is?" "Sure." "Why, 'cause everybody here is white?" "No, it's just okay to use those words." "Okay." "Well, thanks for keeping me real, cracker." "Oh, wait a minute No, no." "You're a saltine American." "So, Bubba J, you know we're right here in Hollywood." "Oh yeah." "Sure." "What do you think of LA?" "Oh, I don't like it." "You don't like LA?" "Oh, I thought you said "AA"." "(LAUGHING)" "I like LA and I love beer." "That's good." "But I got to do something about my gut." "Oh, you're going to start working out?" "No, I'm going to get a bigger shirt." "Somebody told me that to stay in shape," "I should get a trainer." "Yeah, that's a good idea." "I did it." "You did?" "How's that going?" "Yeah.?" "Pretty good." "So far I can sit and shake and roll over." "And then I get a cookie." "So what else do you know about LA?" "Uh, the bad traffic here reminds me of marriage." "How's that?" "You're stuck in it because there was an accident." "Walter told me to tell that one." "That's a good one, isn't it?" "Here's another one Walter told me, you want to hear this?" "No." "Getting married is like your iTunes agreement." "How's that?" "You have no idea what you're saying yes to, but you'll agree just so it'll shut the hell up." "So, you've been to Disneyland?" "Oh, I love Disneyland." "Did you..." "Yeah..." "Did you see "It's a Small World"?" "Is that the one where you go on a date and it turns out she's your cousin, and you go, "Och, small world"?" "Been there, done that." "Hey, did you know they now sell beer at Disneyland?" "I did know that." "How old do you have to be to, uh, drink beer at Disneyland?" "Oh, no, everything goes by height." "So you got drunk at Disneyland?" "No." "I stayed drunk at Disneyland." "Bubba J, that's not good." "I know, it was bad." "At the arcade, I thought we were really hunting and I shot Donald Duck." "He had a big one in the suit, now he walks a little goofy." "Get it?" "Goofy!" "Hey, did you know that here in LA, last week, some guy tried to sell me a map to the stars?" "Oh, did you get it?" "No, I went, "Duh, buddy" " Just look up. "" "So, Bubba J, when we're in southern California, are you ever worried about earthquakes?" "No, I'm used to it, the ground is always moving when you're hammered." "If it stops suddenly, that's when I fall down." "Hey, do they have Walmarts in Los Angeles?" "Sure, you like Wal-Mart?" "Oh, yeah." "It's so convenient." "Where else can you get..." "Sorry, I screwed up the joke." "Sorry." "Wait a minute, you screwed up the joke!" "Don't make me say what I did, you did, and then make it your fault, my fault, my brain hurts now." "What were you trying to ask?" "No, what were you trying to make me ask?" "I didn't screw this up, you did." "I may be dumb, but you're helping me." "All right." "You want to try that joke again Huh?" "You, you want to try the joke again?" "You mean from the start?" "Sure, just, just to get it right." "Duh, redo the whole joke?" "Yeah." "Uh..." "Okay." "Okay, all right." "Okay." "Okay" "Okay, okay, okay, Okay" "Oh, yeah." "Wal-Mart!" "What's my first line?" "Do they have Walmarts in Los..." "Okay, I got it, okay." "Do they have the Walmarts-Marts, okay, okay." "This is like acting." "Yes." "Okay." "Take two." "Hey." "Jeff!" "Yes, Bubba J?" "Oh, that was really natural." "You're good, that was good, okay." "Hey, do they have Wei-Marts in Los Angeles?" "Hurry up, you're fucking up the timing." "Yes, they do have Wei-Marts in Los Angeles." "Don't laugh when I talk, it fucks the whole thing up." "You like Walmarts?" "Yes." "It's so convenient!" "Where else can you get Cheez-Its, tampons, and a canoe, all in the same place?" "And now back to our regularly scheduled show." "Hey, Mr. D, why are we on stage like this all the time?" "This is my job." "What is?" "This is." "To stand here and talk to everybody?" "That's right." "That's your job?" "Yeah." "Don't exactly need a college education for this, do you?" "Well, I graduated from college." "Oh, and now you do this?" "That's right." "Well, that was a big ass waste of money, wasn't it?" "You need more education to boil an egg than you do this." "Hey, can you boil an egg?" "Yeah." "Well, there you go, you got something to fall back on." "Hey, I forgot to tell you," "Walter told me I should get on Titter." "Twitter." "Oh." "Well, that doesn't sound as fun, does it?" "Hey, you know what the hardest part is about the Internet for me'?" "What?" "Remembering all the passwords." "Oh, well, keep it simple." "Just use the name of someone you love." "My dog?" "Sure, what's your dog's name?" "Dog." "Your dog's name is Dog?" "Actually it's "Doug", but the "U" is silent." "It's Italian." "Bubba J, have you tweeted?" "Oh, yeah, sorry about that." "It's a big room, I didn't know you'd know." "I usually blame that on Doug." "Hey, somebody told me they saw me on the Internet." "Oh, have you Googled yourself?" "Not in public." "And not a lot." "Okay." "I can still see." "So I take it you grew up in a small town?" "Yeah, perty small." "How small?" "Well, we didn't have the street lights, so the hookers stood under a flashlight." "I called her Ever Ready." "(LAUGHS)" "You know, Walter and I were talking about our government." "Yeah." "Do you pay attention to politics?" "Oh, yeah_ I pay attention, yeah, politics, yeah, sure." "Sure do, okay." "Okay, can I ask you your opinion on some current issues?" "Oh, yeah, current issues, okay, right, right." "Let's talk about some things you might be familiar with." "Okay, for example, Bubba J, what is your feeling on gun control?" "Oh, I know this one." "Oh, yeah, if you're drunk and seeing double, shoot in the middle." "So what do you think about taxing the 1%?" "Oh, I don't know, I drink whole milk." "Are you familiar with the term No Child Left Behind?" "I think the movie's actually called Home Alone." "So, what do you think about immigration reform?" "Is it bad for me to say I'm kind of on the fence on this one?" "All right, what do you think about the Clintons?" "My wife says I can never find it." "No, Hillary Clinton." "It has a first name?" "I always thought the full name sounded like a dinosaur." "Clintonsaurus." "Either way, it's fossilized." "How would you feel about a woman President?" "Oh, no." "Does Obama want to become a woman, too?" "I'm all for a woman President, just so long as she doesn't start all her speeches with," ""Where the hell were you last night?"" "But I heard it could be Hillary against Jeb." "That's right." "Either way, we are going to have a bush in the White House." "Yeah!" "I'm sorry." "Bush!" "You get it?" "Yeah." "Unless she goes to Brazil." "Will you stop?" "Get it?" "'Cause there's no bush in Brazil." "I got it." "I do some of these just for me, you know, so..." "So another big issue, I'm afraid to even ask this one, um..." "How do you feel about fracking?" "Me and the wife are down to about once a month." "No, I'm talking about drilling into a hole and hitting gas." "Yeah, so am I." "Say goodnight, Bubba J." "Night, everybody!" "That's Bubba J!" "All right." "Before we get started, something that has been bugging me, you know, I travel all over the world with industrial strength humidifiers for my voice." "I come to Hollywood, big show like this, and what do they get me, not the industrial strength, no, they give me the Hello Kitty humidifier." "Great, thanks guys, it's fabulous." "So if I run out of voice tonight, it's their damn fault." "In the early days of television, commercials were done live in front of studio audiences." "Well, just like back then, I get to do my own commercial for you, right now." "For something that I am selling." "Ready?" "It's the Little Jeff ventriloquist dummy!" "So, let me show you how a professional ventriloquist dummy works, all right?" "So in the box, this is more than just a dummy in the box, it's a full circle program that I have, uh, come up with here, you also get a DVD." "On the DVD are me and all the guys from my shop, teaching how to do ventriloquism, anybody can learn to do it, just takes some practice." "Along with that DVD comes a book, it's all the same lessons in written form, and then, of course, there's Little Jeff in the box, and also, uh, when you get Little Jeff," "you'll also notice there's a big plastic bag over his head." "Um, I learned that taking care of my own kids." "Oh, it's great, it slows them down just enough, it's pretty great." "So, um..." "But let me show you how a professional ventriloquist dummy works." "This will be a little disconcerting for some people, but you pull the head off." "And the body on a professional ventriloquist dummy is usually hollow, there's nothing inside that chest cavity." "But in the top of the shoulders is a hole and inside that hole goes what's called the control stick or the head stick." "And on that head stick are the various controls to move the different movements on the dummy's face." "This one does the mouth, this one does the eyes." "You put them all together, you can bring him to life." "As for the voice for Little Jeff, in one of my earlier acts, way back when," "Peanut, one of my other characters, he had a Little Jeff and he did a show with him." "He had his voice for Little Jeff, but I have to come up with my own voice for him." "Because I can't do the same voices that Peanut does." "Thank you for getting that joke." "I promise you there have been a handful of audiences" "I've done that joke, and they don't get it." "They sit there and look at each other and go," ""Oh, yeah, you can't do the same voice Peanut can." "Can't do it, so..."" "How you doing, Little Jeff?" "Uh, doing fine." "So here we are at the Dolby Theater in Hollywood, and I know I'm supposed to come up here and talk to all the nice folks." "Why is there a little Hello Kitty on the freaking stage?" "Well, it's kind of covered up, but that's my humidifier." "For Little Jeffy's voice." "Oh, you're getting pissed now." "That's funny as hell." "You realize you're getting pissed at yourself." "I know you're getting pissed, I can see it in my eyes." "So why am I here?" "I want you to demonstrate." "Demonstrate what?" "What you can do." "Oh great, yay, fantastic." "This is so much fun, okay, here we go, watch closely, it goes by fast." "Ready, here we go." "Mouth, ah-ah-la-la-Ia." "Eyes, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm." "Head." "Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm." "There, am I fucking done?" "Hey!" "I'm sorry." "What, what do I got to do?" "I know what you're going to do, you're going to demonstrate me, then put me back in a box, and sell my ass." "This sucks!" "How much am I?" "What?" "What?" "What do you mean, what?" "Why the hell did you say that?" "You freaking made me say it, don't say "what"." "We all know it's fake." "Fine." "Fine." "How much am I?" "95 bucks." "95 bucks!" "For this?" "What a rip-off!" "Well, there's more in the box." "Oh, now it's like a freaking infomercial." ""There's more?" ""Jeff, how could there possibly be more?" ""We don't know how you do this." ""What else is in the box, Jeff?"" "Well, besides you in the box, there's a DVD." "Of what?" "Lessons in ventriloquism." "Why?" "Well, if somebody purchases Little Jeff, and they want to learn ventriloquism, or if they have a child at home." "That's a great idea." "Yeah, if you have a kid at home who's a total social outcast, sucks at sports, girls won't talk to him, give him a fucking doll." "I'm..." "Due to the included DVD, he can teach himself ventriloquism, then go to school and do shows, yay!" "Then two months later, free of charge, they'll send you another DVD on self-defense!" "'Cause if he does this crap at school, he's going to get beat up a lot!" "Little too close to home there, Jeffy?" ""What else is in the box, Jeff?"" "Well, only at the live shows like this evening, when you purchase a Little Jeff, also inside the box," "I've included an 8 x 10 photograph of myself and Achmed that I've personally autographed." "No one cares." "Stop it, stop it." "Stop it, come back." "Stop it." "Stop it." "Stop it." "Stop it." "Stop it!" "Come on, stop touching me." "What?" "Are you a fucking Catholic priest?" "Cut it out." "What the hell is that?" "This is also in the box." "Porn?" "You should include porn in the box, you'll sell more dolls!" "Little something for everybody." "This is a book on how to do ventriloquism." "That's great." "I bet that's a real page-turner." ""What else is in the box, Jeff?"" "Well, in the back of the book are three routines that I wrote." "That's great." "Why?" "Well, if somebody purchases Little Jeff, they can learn ventriloquism from the DVD, then memorize one of these routines, and then pretty much instantly be on stage performing." "That's great." "You know, Jeff, sometimes I lie awake in bed at night, wondering to myself, what's truly wrong with our country today." "Not long ago, I think I figured it out." "There's not enough ventriloquists." "But now, with you selling the Little Jeff dummies and the DVDs on how to do ventriloquism, there's going to be a lot more ventriloquists." "You're helping to heal our nation." "Is this sarcasm?" "Yes." "So what I would like to do this evening is to perform one of these three routines." "Please, sir, may I help you do that?" "Okay." "The routine that I picked to do this evening is one that I wrote as a tribute to the comedy team, Abbott and Costello." "Huh?" "Their most famous rout..." "There you go." "Their most famous routine was one I really enjoyed listening to as a child, and this is pretty much my nod to them." "That's great." "Why do you have the book?" "So I can read the routine." "Okay" "Didn't you write this shit?" "Yes." "Okay!" "Just seems like these nice folks spent alotof moneyontheirtickets." "I mean, you could take a couple of minutes and fucking memorize." "So you're going to read your lines?" "Yes, I'm going to read my lines!" "Okay!" "And somehow having never seen the book, H!" "just know mine!" "Yeah, let's all pretend the little dummy's actually reading a book!" "Oh, did I fuck up the illusion?" "Sorry, Mr. Copperfield." "Ta-da!" "Poof!" "Now what are you doing?" "Trying to get to the correct page using just one hand." "You can do it, Forrest." "Run, Forrest, run!" "Hey, you better hurry before your cat runs out of water." "'Cause as we all know, there's nothing worse than a dry..." "Cat." "That was too close." "That's what she said." "All right, so the first line in here says, "How are you?"" "And in parentheses, "Figure's name"." "What the hell's a figure?" "A figure is the ventriloquist's politically-correct term for the word "dummy"." "So you're technically a ventriloquist's figure." "No." "From now on, we would like to be referred to as wooden Americans." "We're going to need some land and slot machines." "PH become Chief Little Jeff and you're named Dumb ass." "Oh, we can use Hello Kitty for smoke signals." "Well, you've always said you wanted a hot, smoking pussy..." "Cat." "Cat, pussy cat, I said pussy cat!" "Meow!" "Meow!" "Meow!" "Pussy cat!" "Meow, meow!" "You ready?" "I guess." "All right, here we go." "How are you, Little Jeff?" "Kind of sad." "Why is that?" "Everyone makes fun of my dog." "What's wrong with your dog?" "Nothing." "Then why do people make fun of him?" "He has kind of a weird name." "I see, did you come up with the name yourself?" "Yeah, my mom lets me name all my pets." "Sure." "What's your dog's name?" "I Forgot." "How could you forget?" "Forget what?" "You said you forgot your dog's name." "No, I didn't." "Yes, you did." "No, I said my dog's name is I Forgot." "Right." "Right what?" "You said it again." "Said what again?" "That you forgot your dog's name." "No." "What's wrong with you?" "You just said, "My dog's name is I Forgot." Exactly!" "Exactly what?" "That's his name." "Whose name?" "The dog's!" "That you forgot." "What?" "Do you have a dog?" "Yes." "What's his name?" "I Forgot." "How could you?" "I don't know what you're talking about!" "You're nuts." "That's the cat." "Who is?" "You're Nuts." "I am not." "I didn't say you were, but the cat is." "The cat is what?" "You're Nuts." "Stop saying that." "That's her name!" "Do you have a dog?" "Yes." "What's his name?" "I Forgot." "No one forgets their own dog's name." "I didn't." "Then why don't you tell me his name?" "I just did." "But you forgot?" "No, I Forgot." "You're nuts." "The cat." "Do you speak English?" "That's the hamster." "Who is?" "Do You Speak English." "I just asked you that." "That's the hamster." "Yes." "Yes, what?" "I was answering your question." "I didn't ask a question!" "Yes, you did." "No." "You asked me if I spoke English." "No, I was telling you the hamster's name." "You're nuts." "Meow." "Say goodnight." "I'm Little Jeff." "So, folks..." "This next guy, we don't know where he's from, we don't know what he is, but he's purple, he's wacky..." "Please help me welcome my buddy Peanut!" "(AUDIENCEAPPLAUDING)" "How you doing, Peanut?" "Doing pretty good, how about you?" "I'm fine." "That's good, that's good, that's good!" "You like it here?" "I don't like it here." "I love it." "I love it right here in Hollywood." "La-La Land, Tinseltown, the City of Dreams, the City of Angels, West Hollywood." "It's all fabulous!" "It's show biz." "It's show biz." "Let's do lunch, call me, toodles." "I'm glad you like it here." "Hey!" "Why do the paparazzi need to get a picture of Kim Kardashian?" "If you'd leave her alone, she'd just do it all herself!" "Click, click, click, click." "Click, click, click." "Oh, got to do my butt, panorama." "Ahhh..." "Now there's a selfie that?" "!" "take a while to download." "And then there's Kim and Kanye!" "The big ass who married the bigger ass." "Yay!" "Mmm-hmm." "Stop it." "Yeah, Kim got famous from a sex tape." "I was going to do that myself, but realized it was a bad idea." "Why is that?" "'Cause I realized you'd have to be there too!" "Stop it!" "What is wrong with you tonight?" "Nothing, I'm fine." "It's all great, great!" "Fine, I love it here, I love it." "Love it in Hollywood, it's great!" "You sure you're okay?" "I'm fine!" "I'm fine!" "Great!" "Okay!" "I did not go to Starbucks, I did not!" "Not!" "Okay, yes I did, I went to frigging Starbucks!" "I..." "Love it, love coffee, it's great!" "You went there?" "Yes!" "Maybe, no." "Yes, I think so!" "You're not supposed to have any caffeine." "I know, sorry, I did, I know." "You're right, you're right, but I did anyway." "What did you have?" "Yes!" "?" "Sorry, I jumped ahead to the next question!" "Are you okay?" "I'm fine, I'm fine, I love this stuff!" "ls coffee legal?" "ls coffee legal, is it legal, is this stuff legal, is it legal," "I can't believe this stuff's legal!" "You need help." "No, I need a latte." "Question." "Is it normal for your heart to sound like a weed eater?" "No." "Yes!" "Right..." "Don't go to anymore coffee places." "You know what I heard the other day?" "I heard that some folks get something called a coffee enema." "I don't know what that is, I don't want to know what that is, and please don't let it ever show up on the menu at..." "Starbucks." "On the other hand, if you really want to pull an awesome joke when you're standing in line, secretly write it on the chalkboard menu!" "Then you get to the register, point to it and say, last time I had that one frozen." "It gave my butt the shivers!" "I'm going to open my own coffee place." "This could be a whole, new line of beverages for me." ""Cafe Booty."" "The ass-presso!" "The crap-uccino." "The best part of waking up is coffee in your butt." "Mmm-hmm." "Stop it." "How long have you been like this?" "Yes!" "So you're addicted to caffeine?" "Duh-duh-duh-duh!" "ls there any way you can get off it?" "I tried a patch." "That didn't work." "Why?" "I stuck it on my arm,?" "took it off my arm, rolled it up, smoked it." "Yay!" "And then I tried some kind of gum, but that didn't work." "Gum?" "Because I it mixed up with a condom, that's a big ass bubble right there." "Hey, you lost a shoe." "No dude, I found one." "Oh!" "What the fuck happened?" "It's not funny!" "I hate you!" "I guess I know what we're not gonna see on TV." "I'm a professional." "Sorry, he just kind of got away from me there." "Sorry, Peanut." "Stand up." "Come on, stand up" "You're fine." "What?" "Close your mouth." "Close your mouth!" "Apparently, they can understand you and I can't." "Yeah." "Asshole." "Can you close your mouth?" "Huh?" "What?" "What?" "Help me." "What?" "Help me close my freaking mouth." "Asshole." "Your hand." "What?" "Your hand!" "Yeah!" "Oh, you want me to close your mouth?" "Yeah." "Close my mouth." "Okay." "Asshole." "What the hell is that?" "What?" "Your hand." "It smells like shit." "What?" "Your hand smells like shit." "Yeah." "Smell it." "What?" "Smell it!" "Smell your hand!" "Asshole." "See?" "It smells like shit." "What did you do?" "Look, I'm just gonna..." "Oh, stop it." "Ugh!" "You got shit on your face!" "You be shit-faced." "Asshole." "Look, I'm just gonna..." "No, no, no." "Oh, you got it fixed." "Oh, fine, now don't ever let that happen again!" "I'll kick your ass." "I can find another guy." "Yeah, you'll be talking to your freaking sock!" "You know, you're like the Donald Trump of ventriloquism." "What does that mean?" "You have no idea what you're doing, but you're really good at it." "You know, Trump could learn something from you." "How's that?" "He's always saying things that?" "!" "get him into trouble." "Yeah." "He should just put me on his knee and I'll say the stuff for him." "I mean, Biden does that with Obama all the time." "But I guess that's better than being the Hillary Clinton of ventriloquism." "And what is that?" "I don't know, I had the joke in my e-mail, but somehow it got deleted." "Or you could be the Bush of ventriloquism." "The Bush of ventriloquism?" "By the time you get to the third dummy, everyone knows it's going to be the same old crap." "I don't know why you make fun of people like that." "I'm not making fun of anybody." "I think that's what that was." "You know, I used to make fun of my grandpa." "Why'd you make fun of your grandpa?" "'Cause he had a hearing aid." "You can't make fun of that." "I didn't make fun of him, I made fun with him." "What do you mean?" "Grandpa owned those really old hearing aids, the kind you had to adjust." "I used to run up to Grandpa and I'd go, "Hey, Grandpa." ""Listen, I was wondering, do you think that we could..."" "Grandpa'd be like, "What the hell's wrong with this damn thing?"" "Peanut, that's really mean!" "Yeah, but that was funny as hell." "In fact, it was so funny, Grandma started doing it." "They had a really old dog too, they eventually had to put stickers across their sliding glass door, otherwise that dog would try and run right through the glass door." "I used to stand inside with a tennis ball, and then pretend to throw it outside." "That dog would be like..." "(MIMICS DOG WHINING)" "Sometimes Grandpa and that dog would try and take walks together." "They'd both try and walk through the glass door at the same time." "Grandma would be like, "I just got through cleaning that thing." "What the heck..."" "What?" "Peanut, what if your grandpa was here this evening?" "Wouldn't you feel kind of bad?" "I guess." "What would you say to your grandpa?" "I'm sorry, Grandpa." "I didn't mean to upset...\" "Am I going to hell?" "Probably." "Well, we're in Hollywood." "Here we are." "Say goodnight, Peanut." "Thanks, everybody!" "Thanks, you GUYS!" "All right, so we have one guy left." "And it amazes me that I get to give this introduction, but it's the truth." "And it's all because of great folks like you, and here it is." "Please help me welcome, the most beloved terrorist throughout the world..." "Achmed, the dead terrorist." "Thank you." "Greetings, American infidels!" "All right, Achmed, for the folks who might not know you..." "Hey, hey, hey." "Everyone knows me!" "I don't know about everyone." "Well, if they don't, then that means they've been living in a cave and have crappy Internet service." "(LAUGHS)" "Achmed..." "Who do you think the most famous dead terrorist is?" "It's probably Osama Bin Laden." "He doesn't count!" "Why not?" "He's dead." "You're dead." "He's dead-dead." "What's the difference?" "He's not on Facebook." "Okay, but your name is Achmed." "Yes." "Achmed, the dead terrorist." "Do you know me, infidels?" "You see, I rock." "All right." "To be honest, Achmed," "I don't understand why people like you." "Oh." "That's easy." "Why?" "If folks had to pick between Justin Bieber, Kim Kardashian and a dead terrorist," "I win that contest fucking hands-down." "Thank you." "I kill you." "Thank you." "I kill you." "Thank you." "I kill you." "All right." "So as a terrorist..." "Excuse me?" "I said, "As a terrorist..."" "You think just because I look like this, this automatically makes me a terrorist?" "You just said you were a terrorist!" "No, I didn't." "Are you crazy?" "Yeah, little bit, Why?" "Achmed." "That's another thing!" "You always say my name incorrectly." "It's not Achmed." "It's Argh-med!" "It's so frustrating." "The only folks who get my name right are Jewish guys and heavy smokers." "But the best is a Jewish heavy smoker." ""Argh-med."" "So is there an English equivalent for the name Achmed?" "Yes." "What's that?" "Larry." "It's not funny!" "Silence!" "I kill you!" "I love this stuff, yeah." "I got made fun of a lot in school for that name." "What school?" "Suicide-bomber school." "Really?" "And ironically, we were in district C-4." "So how many teachers did you have?" "Technically, just one." "But we went through a lot of substitutes." "And what were the substitutes like?" "A little nervous." "And always young." "Yeah, that's another thing." "Why are suicide bombers always young?" "What, you want us to use old guys that are already almost dead?" "Son of a female goat!" "I never thought of that." "Hurry this crap up, I have to go make a phone call." "So, Achmed, why do you wear a turbine?" "Turban, sorry." "Yes, Jeff." "A tur-bine!" "Wow, the SAT was a bitch, wasn't it?" "I wear a turbine because it's more powerful than a jet-pack." "Hey, do you know what Donald Trump and I have in common?" "What's that?" "We never let anyone see the real tops of our heads." "What is that thing on his head?" "I don't know." "If you ever meet him, you should make it talk!" "Wait, wait." "With a Mexican accent." "Ha!" "So what do you think of Donald Trump?" "I actually love the guy." "But you think I'm crazy?" "That guy's bonkers." "Even the ISIS guys are like, "What the hell, dude?" "Calm down." ""We'll build your wall just to keep you away from us!"" "So I understand, you flew in today?" "Yes." "On a commercial airline." "Yes." "No problems?" "Like what?" "You know." "With the TSA, the X-ray machine." "You idiot!" "For you it's an X-ray, for me it's a selfie." "So are you enjoying your time here?" "Oh, very much." "I get recognized a lot in Hollywood." "I was out in front of the theater today, signing autographs." "They thought I was an Olsen twin." "Oh, screw you, that's a funny joke." "Ha!" "That reminds me, did you know I have been adding to my career skills lately?" "Doing what?" "I am now not just a dead terrorist..." "I am a dead cyber-terrorist." "A cyber-terrorist?" "Don't forget to like me on Facebook." "You know, Achmed, maybe for a different line of work, you could do something that would help people." "Like what?" "I could answer a suicide hotline. (LAUGHS)" "I'd be like, "No, no, you're fine, go ahead." "You're good."" "That's horrible." "They're laughing." "Not my fault." "So if you're going to be a cyber-terrorist, do you have a new catch phrase besides "I kill you"?" "Oh, yes, this is a good one." "It's going to scare the crap out of you." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "I click you!" "Why are they laughing?" "Because "cyber-terrorist" makes you sound like a nerd." "Being a cyber-terrorist is not easy." "It takes balls." "Not real ones!" "What are you looking at, you pervert?" "What the hell?" "Yes, they're gone." "I lost them in the explosion." "Bye-bye balls." "But I found them again." "Yeah." "Balls don't bounce." "There they are." "And you kept them?" "Dude, you don't just throw away your own nuts." "How the hell would that work?" "Hello, Salvation Army, have I got something for you!" "What would you do with them?" "Oh, I didn't make a key chain or something like that." "Or hide it under my pillow and wait for the ball fairy." "Wait, is there such a thing?" "How much could I get from the ball fairy?" "It's a matching set." "In the original wrapper." "Achmed." "Oh, okay, don't ask me how I carry them." "I have a ball boy." "All right." "You don't have them with you?" "No, no." "No, they're at home in my junk drawer." "So, Achmed, what does a cyber-terrorist actually do?" "As I said before, no more killing." "You never have killed anyone." "Silence!" "I delete you!" "Ah, is that a new phrase?" "Wait a minute, how do you delete someone?" "It's not as easy as you think." "You first have to highlight, then backspace." "But explain what a cyber-terrorist actually does." "I terrorize by computer." "Okay, but what do you think the best weapon you have is to make computers not work?" "Windows Vista." "Do you send spam?" "You idiot." "No pork." "Oh." "That was for all my Jewish friends out there, yay!" "Have you spread any viruses?" "Well, before the explosion, I had a little itch, but it went away." "If you're a cyber-terrorist, who's your biggest enemy now?" "The CIA, the FBI?" "Siri." "I asked her to search the web for booby-traps and she said," ""I found a number of Hooters near you."" "Siri did that?" "Yes." "And then I asked her how to get into the White House, and she said, "Lower taxes and do something about illegal immigration."" "Thanks, bitch." "Have you attempted any real cyber-terrorism yet?" "Yes." "What'd you do?" "I hacked the ObamaCare website." "What happened?" "I accidentally made it better." "I'm kidding, I love Barack." "He and I grew up together." "In Hawaii." "In Hawaii." "I'm sorry, I thought they knew." "Should I show them my birth certificate?" "No.?" "Look, Achmed, no matter what, you'll always, to me, be a suicide bomber." "No, I was a suicide bomber." "That's a one-time deal." "Well, what was a typical day like for a suicide bomber?" "You idiot, it was only one day." "And it wasn't even a full day." "You could try for two in a row, but you'd end up like the Seahawks." "But do not worry," "I will never blow up anything if I don't have my lucky charm, which I lost." "You had a lucky charm." "Yeah." "What was it?" "I had a little camel's toe." "What the hell are they laughing at?" "What?" "I had a little camel toe." "You used to look at it all the time!" "I'm not kidding, he would rub it for good luck." "Seriously?" "Can we sell little fake ones online?" "Achmed's lucky camel toe." "Makes a great stocking stuffer!" "You think anybody saw that?" "Where is it?" "It's on..." "It's on the floor." "Get it, you idiot." "Get my freaking arm!" "Go get my arm." "Okay." "Wait!" "What?" "Don't leave me here, I'll fall down." "Go with me." "Okay." "Put it back!" "Okay!" "Put it back!" "Okay!" "Okay, sorry, I don't know..." "Cheap construction." "All right, fine, there." "It's not funny!" "I kill you from here!" "How would you do that?" "Just throw me." "Why not?" "You did Peanut." "Can you put it back?" "I think." "I don't know what's wrong." "Just put it..." "You are so cute." "All right, I think it's good." "Is it okay?" "Oops, sorry." "Don't touch my leg!" "It's not funny!" "Don't touch it, I can do this myself." "No!" "It's not funny!" "Stop laughing" "Stop laughing at me!" "This is not funny at all." "This is all your fault." "I kill you again." "What?" "I can do..." "Don't touch my leg!" "I still got it." "Don't let me fall down!" "What the hell?" "You want me to fix?" "Yes, fix my leg." "Okay" "Don't touch my wee-wee." "You don't have one." "It's a phantom wee-wee." "His name is Robert." "Unless it's really cold, then it's Bob." "And don't make it talk." "I..." "All right." "It's not funny at all, okay?" "I think we're good." "All right." "So, now..." "What the hell?" "How can I be naked?" "I feel naked!" "Fix all this!" "I'm going to bite you to death!" "It's not funny, not funny one bit." "I kill you." "This one won't stay." "Here." "Take it out, I can feel that." "Want to call it quits?" "I think so." "You guys have been absolutely fantastic." "Thank you and good night." "Thank you!"