"* you won't admit you love me * * and so * * how am i ever * * to know?" "* * you always tell me * * perhaps * * perhaps * * perhaps *" "* perhaps * * perhaps *" "* perhaps *" "hi." "what do i tell julia?" "'bout what?" "are you free for a drink on friday?" "a drink?" "it is not scientifically possible for a man to know what a woman wants." "wilma, is this an actual, proper date?" "yeah." "okay." "that's not fair." "i have a girlfriend." "congratulations." "i have a boyfriend." "you always know what we want." "i'm sorry." "i didn't realize." "i thought you meant "date" date, but you meant date." "( chuckles ) that's fine." "that's wonderful." "well, good." "you should bring your boyfriend along." "he's in australia." "why don't you just tell her you've got a girlfriend?" "in fact, your girlfriend is her boss." "just tell her that." "julia doesn't want anyone in the office to know about us." "target acquired." "we have our advisors online." "susan: this is ridiculous." "he just needs to find out if it's a friendly drink or a date drink." "he'll do friendly but he won't do date." "why doesn't he know already?" "because he is jeff, and there is no known cure." "before we get any further, it's cards on the table time." "i fancy you like mad, and i think you fancy me." "am i right?" "need any help translating that one?" "julia:" "oh, is that jeff?" "i've been trying to phone." "it's constantly engaged." "( shouting ) look, everyone!" "it's julia, jeff's girlfriend, who's now taking the phone!" "are you okay?" "hi, jeff." "it's me, darling." "hello." "hello." "just heading off." "i just wanted to say i love you, and have a fantastic time tonight." "( sneezes ) you okay?" "i'm fine." "i think i've got a cold coming." "i've been feeling dreadful all day, but don't you worry about silly old me." "you just tell me you love me and get out and enjoy yourself." "well, come on, jeff." "it's a simple enough question." "do you fancy me?" "jeff?" "do you love me?" "well, jeff, do you fancy me?" "jeff?" "yes." "yes, of course i do." "you're nervous." "um, yes." "is it about me?" "no, no. i'm being nervous in general." "you just happen to be nearest." "okay." "aren't you going to take that phone off?" "best not." "best not?" "you've got a boyfriend." "it might seem provocative." "i've got a boyfriend." "you've got a girlfriend." "we're just having a drink." "yes. okay. drink." "that sounds okay." "she could want to be friends." "just friends who happen to fancy each other." "and they let them out alone." "you fancy me." "i fancy you." "doesn't mean i'm trying to steal you away." "yeah." "right." "just, you know, borrow you." ""borrow" me?" "for a drink." "for a drink." "yeah, of course." "and sex, obviously." "kidding." "oh, right." "yeah. kidding." "if you want me to be." "is she playing entirely fair?" "okay, this is getting ridiculous." "parking around here is a nightmare, isn't it?" "i've been forever." "trouble finding a space?" "no, reversing." "i hate reversing." "you can't see where you're going." "twenty minutes it's taken me-- back, forwards, back, forwards." "it's the pedestrians i feel sorry for." "you've spent 20 minutes trying to reverse into a parking space?" "so far." "so far?" "( car horn honking ) there they go." "better get back to it." "( car horn honking ) okay, okay!" "i was just having a drink!" "it's not against the law!" "just as a matter of interest, how did you pass your driving test?" "morally." "jeff: um, wilma... this sex thing you mentioned... sex doesn't make you nervous too, does it?" "sex?" "no, not at all." "no, it's just like cuddling, only damper." "so what's the problem?" "i have a girlfriend." "i know." "i have a boyfriend." "we're bad people." "i'm not bad." "i've never been bad." "you haven't?" "i'm fairly new to mild naughtiness." "i don't believe that." "wilma... i'm faithful." "nice." "very nice." "oh. i see." "sorry." "no, no. i'm sorry." "i think you're out." "home and dry." "nicely done." "is it possible you guys don't know what she's about to ask?" "what did your girlfriend say when you told her we were having a drink tonight?" "i didn't tell her." "you didn't?" "no." "oh." "you've got to admire the technique." "very passive-aggressive." "very what?" "it's what happens when a woman takes control of a conversation." "what happens when a man takes control?" "i have absolutely no idea." "what did you mean by that?" "by what?" "you made an "oh" noise." "did i?" "what did you mean?" "it was just an "oh" noise." "what kind of an "oh" noise?" "how many kinds are there?" "27." "27?" "i-i counted once." "i had this long phone call with my mother." "my mother only communicates in levels of disappointment." "well, in my case, "oh" just means, if you're being a good boy, why didn't you tell your girlfriend?" "um...well... listen, okay?" "can i ask you something?" "oh, here it comes!" "the old classic." "jeff: what?" "listen up, boys. you'll have heard this before." "what do you want from me?" "oomph!" "um...well... you find me attractive?" "well, yes." "why?" "um... well, there's your face... you can't miss that." "i don't mean it's enormous or anything, but it's very frontal, which is great." "i like women's fronts." "i'm just talking about your face, not anything interesting." "no, i'm sorry." "i'm sure your face is every bit as interesting as your... um... can i take it that the answer was yes, you do find me attractive?" "well, then, the next question is, what are we gonna do about that?" "you know where this is headed." "the fork." "careful. you're heading for the fuck-me fork." "i mean, i find you very attractive, too, and somehow we didn't tell our significant others we'd be here tonight, did we?" "the classic technique." "she's closed off every avenue of retreat, and she's about to leave him two options." "so why don't we get on with the real reason why we're both here?" "either he has sex with her... unless, of course, you're just being nice and you don't fancy me at all." "or tells her she's unattractive." "the fork in the road." "it's "fork" wilma or "fork" off." "no, i do fancy you." "it's just-- can i just clear something up here?" "i'm not looking for a new boyfriend, and i know you're seeing someone, and that's fine." "no strings, no conditions." "just sex." "what do you say?" "i can't stay the night." "i have a breakfast meeting." "sorry. autopilot." "patrick, is the big red car yours?" "yeah." "could you move it?" "i'm not having any luck." "but what if-- nobody knows, nobody gets hurt." "we just have fun." "my god, she's evil!" "evil?" "she's practically you." "i know!" "in the old days, darling, not now." "unconditional sex, jeff." "it's a whole new brand." "actually, she's worse." "she's worse than me." "it's the unthinkable." "it's satan with breasts!" "i mean, if your girlfriend is never going to know, and i'm not any kind of threat to your relationship... devil woman!" "absolute devil woman!" "how can you possibly say no to a night of unconditional sex?" "tell him, steve.you tell him how." "um... um..." ""um"?" "it's on the tip of my tongue." "can you really think of a single reason to turn me down?" "steve, he's in a relationship." "you're in a relationship." "tell him the reason!" "jeff, no!" "it could be a trick!" "a trick?" "i-i...um... i-i-i-- i-i mean, no, not a trick exactly." "steve, how about this?" "cheating on your girlfriend is wrong." "jeff, also it's wrong." "i'm doing these in ascending order." "it's wrong." "since when have men worried about that?" "i-i-i worry about it." "i bet you're the only man you know who does." "i worry about it, too!" "steve worries about it, too." "see?" "you have a girlfriend." "i have a girlfriend." "so you keep saying." "so why are you here?" "well, i-i just-- she really does exist, this girlfriend?" "oh, she exists." "she's very much an existent person." "she's got tons of existence." "well, not too much existence." "i don't mean she's huge or anything." "she's somewhere between completely imaginary and a truck, if you can picture that." "sounds great." "but how are you supposed to prove you've got a girlfriend?" "photographs, hair samples, swabs?" "you try convincing my mother." "i believe you've got a girlfriend, but there's only one type of girlfriend a guy sneaks out on and won't stop talking about." "well, she's very much that kind of girlfriend." "an ex-girlfriend." "well, not entirely ex." "not entirely?" "she's a little bit on the "ex" side." "well, she's ex in some ways, and still current in others." "well, no, that's not true." "i'm sorry?" "um... go on. explain that one." "tell us, jeff." "what do you mean?" "it's the insane welshman quiz, round one, no conferring." "how can a still-current girlfriend also be an ex-girlfriend?" "because she's dead." "because she's dead!" "so?" "did i win the insane welshman?" "what's happening?" "you just killed jeff's girlfriend." "oh, really?" "i thought that was the curb!" "dead?" "um...um... oh, my god, i'm sorry." "i had no idea!" "i would never have-- listen, okay, i'm backing off right now." "you are?" "i didn't know about your girlfriend." "i was completely out of line." "um...okay." "on the bright side, i think you've found a new way out of the fork." "i'm sorry." "i'm so, so sorry." "i don't know what to say to you." "you must be devastated." "oh, no, no." "i'm fine." "don't worry." "well, not that fine, obviously." "but i'm not the one who died, so i'm ahead!" "well, how long ago did it happen?" "how long's she been dead?" "it's hard to say really." "hard to say?" "i'm not medically qualified." "i'm sorry. i just don't like to talk about it." "well, you should." "it's important." "no, no. it's fine." "i'm okay." "you're just avoiding the subject." "no, not at all." "i just don't want to bother you with all that." "it's no big deal." "was she ill?" "yeah, but nothing serious." "well, serious in one way, obviously." "how can you say it wasn't serious if she died of it?" "she made an unsuccessful recovery." "okay, you know what?" "you're obviously still very upset." "maybe we should just call all this to a halt." "yeah, you're right." "you're definitely right." "i'll see you, okay?" "yeah. see you." "what you're going through can't be easy, jeff." "look after yourself." "i will." "i absolutely will." "maybe some other time, when you're ready." "yeah." "some other time." "no probs." "what was her name?" "jeff, no!" "she knows julia!" "no, no. hang on." "it was... mary." "mary dermott son." "yeah, that was it, definitely." "you didn't think it was worth remembering her name?" "well, you know, she's dead." "it's not like she comes when you call her." "sorry. uh... i'm just so, you know, upset by the whole thing." "okay." "i'll give you a lift." "sorry?" "well, if you're so upset, you won't want to stay here, and i've got my car." "unless you've got yours?" "no. no." "well, come on." "i'll give you a lift." "careful, jeff. you could be heading back to the fork!" "um... a lift?" "yeah." "in your car?" "well, i suppose i could try throwing you over my shoulder, but people might think that's forward." "right. yeah." "um, car would be best." "is there a problem?" "no, no. i'm just not used to getting lifts, that's all." "especially from women." "i see." "my girlfriend isn't much of a driver." "( chuckles ) obviously that's putting it mildly." "do you think she was suspicious?" "women can figure these things out." "jeff, airborne bacteria could have figured it out." "tsk tsk tsk." "that boy is in serious trouble." "don't you think so?" "i-in serious trouble." "w-what do you think?" "do you think he's in serious trouble?" ""a trick"?" "right!" "that was the only reason you could think of, in case it was a trick?" "it was one of an extensive range of reasons." "and the first one to come to mind, apparently." "it was the shortest sentence." "i just wanted to start with a really short sentence and move up to longer sentences in a sort of building way." "speaking of long sentences, we're supposed to be getting married." "i'd like to think the man i'm gonna spend the rest of my life with has a better reason for staying faithful than "it might be a trick."" "it wasn't the only thing." "it was just the deterrent." "the deterrent?" "well, yeah. you know, like nuclear weaponry." "nobody likes it, but it can help to keep the peace." "you've just compared our relationship to the cold war!" "which, may i remind you, really lasted!" "so the nature of the bond between us is in fact the threat of mutually assured destruction?" "oh, among many other things." "you know, this is really interesting." "sally, this isn't supposed to be entertainment." "friend of mine had this little agency called man test." "man test?" "it was clever." "you could test if your bloke was being faithful." "man test would send out a girl to try and seduce your bloke in a bar or whatever, see if he'd go for it." "that's outrageous!" "that's completely immoral!" "how can that kind of thing be allowed?" "i used to work part-time for her." "it was great fun." "so much cheaper than a dating agency." "i should do that." "i'd be good at that." "it was great." "if they went for you, you got to write a really scathing report about what an immoral scumbag they were, before they'd even woken up!" "a report?" "sent straight to the wife." "all the gory details." "and what happened if he didn't go for it?" "i have absolutely no idea." "that's totally wrong!" "what chance does the man have?" "all he has to do is be faithful." "well, yes." "( clears throat ) obviously." "but what i meant was, what if someone like-- where is patrick?" "he's standing behind my car" ""guiding" it in." "i don't know how he expects that to work." "oh, now i get it!" "jane, could you please explain to this gentleman why i have been standing in the rain behind an empty car shouting, "park, you stupid bitch"?" "sorry, officer." "i forgot he can't park on his own." "arrest that woman!" "tsk tsk tsk." "well, patrick's certainly in a lot of trouble, isn't he?" "don't you think?" "patrick?" "come on." "where are you going?" "to save jeff from unconditional sex." "apparently you don't know how to deal with it." "sally, is man test still going?" "i'll leave the number on your answer phone." "thanks." "do you mind if i come up for a second?" "sorry?" "i just need to use your loo." "what for?" "what do you normally use it for?" "no. sorry, you can't." "why not?" "it's developed a fault." "a fault?" "nothing serious." "it's fine if you know how to use it." "it's just a little tricky." "and what exactly is wrong with it?" "oh, it's just one of those... bloody loos." "it just needs to settle down a bit." "jeff, would you be telling me a very stupid lie because you're afraid to be alone in your flat with me?" "well, let me put it this way-- yes." "should we try all this again?" "would you mind?" "jeff, i'm experiencing a call of nature." "may i use your facilities?" "yes. no problem." "you're sure you don't mind?" "no, not at all." "no problem. please." "great." "call of nature." "completely understand." "go ahead." "thanks." "i was kind of assuming you'd have a specific room for this." "oh, right." "yeah, of course." "let me show you." "it's just-- it's through the bedroom there." "mary?" "mary?" "your girlfriend-- was that a photograph of her?" "oh, mary." "um, yeah." "why did you put it face down?" "i was just updating it." "i understand, you know." "you do?" "you don't want her to see me, do you?" "no. i really, really don't." "you're gonna have to start living again sometime, jeff." "well, yeah." "but i'm not the one you need to tell." "( sighs )" "( cellular phone beeps )" "julia: hi, darling, it's me." "i've canceled my trip and i'm on my way over." "this flu thing's getting worse." "do you mind if i crash at your place?" "it's closer." "see you shortly." "( panic-stricken grunts )" "aah!" "ohh!" "aah!" "( gasping ) wilma... i've done something a bit..." "well...naughty." "okay." "you know when i told you that my current girlfriend was a bit on the "ex" side?" "uh-huh." "actually, i think when i said she was dead, you probably didn't believe me, did you?" "oh, i believe you." "i do, really!" "you do?" "don't do any kind of "proving" things." "okay." "okay, she's dead, but the thing is, you've probably noticed i'm having a bit of trouble letting go." "yeah." "see, it's all still very recent." "recent?" "i'm trying to get on with my life and everything." "i am trying to get over it." "there's no point dwelling on the whole thing, but in some ways she's still my girlfriend, and i don't feel i need anybody new just yet-- not while everything's so fresh." "fresh?" "sometimes it's hard to remember she's dead." "when you suddenly lose someone like this, you can forget... ( gasps )" "to clear up." "hello, darling." "what was all that?" "um...nothing." "well, don't mind me." "i'm dead." "okay." "can i just maybe explain something here?" "( gasps ) jeff, how could you do this?" "mary's not even cold!" "which is not a fact i was planning to exploit in any way." "( julia coughs ) your girlfriend just coughed." "yes." "you told me she was dead." "i-- overreacted." "( sighs ) well, i think that basically went okay." "yeah. nice." "well done." "by my standards." "by your standards, it was positively excellent." "i thought so." "( julia coughs ) anyway, i should probably be looking after julia." "yeah, you definitely should be." "yeah. we should go or we're going to miss the rest of jane parking." "see you." "see you, jeff." "don't speak to any strange women." "trust me." "you okay?" "yeah." "why wouldn't i be?" "not a little bit worried i'm gonna be on the phone to man test all the time?" "well... that'd be a bit untrusting, wouldn't it?" "yeah, you're probably right." "so i'll tell you what-- we'll compromise." "how?" "i absolutely promise i'll only phone them once." "once?" "yes, steve." "just once, someday." "* if you can't make your mind up * * we'll never * * get started *" "* and i don't want to wind up * * being parted * * brokenhearted *" "* so if you really love me * * say yes * * and please don't tell me * * perhaps * * perhaps * * perhaps *"