"The place:" "New York City." "The time: now. 1 962." "And there's no time or place like it." "If you've got a dream, this is the place to make that dream come true." "That's why the soaring population of hopeful dreamers has just reached eight million people." "Oh, make that eight million and one." "Hey, taxi!" "Taxi!" "Taxi!" "Taxi!" "Wait." "Where are you going?" "Down with the bomb." "Down with the bomb." "Down with the bomb." "Down with the bomb." "Down with the bomb." "Down with the b" "Barbara?" "Barbara Novak?" "Oh, I think so." "Oh, thank goodness you're here." "Vikki?" "Vikki Hiller, your editor, in the flesh." "It is so nice to finally meet you in person." "My goodness, you're gorgeous." "We'll have a photo shoot for the book jacket." "There's time." "The book doesn't come out for a week." "One week." "Oh, my." "Don't be nervous." "Cigarette?" "Barbara, this is my secretary, Gladys." "Gladys, Barbara Novak." "Oh, I know. lt's a pleasure." "Hello, Gladys. I'm glad to finally have a face to put with the voice." "Vik, I need you to sign off on this pronto." "Maurice Johns, art director." "Barbara Novak, your cover." "Oh, Maurice. I love it!" "Down With Love." "Hear, hear." "I wish someone had written your book 1 0 years ago before it was too late for me." "Gladys, it's never too late." "Great job." "Sorry if the guys in reproduction have been riding your tail." "Well, I'm not." "They're ready for you in the lion's den." "Lion's den?" "Oh, don't worry." "You'll be fine." "Just take a deep breath." "Gentlemen, this is Miss Novak." "E.G." "C.B." "C.W." "J.B." "J.R." "R.J." "Okay." "O.K. can't make it." "He's down with T.B." "Oh, what a shame. ls it serious?" "No, they're just having breakfast." "T.B. is Theodore Banner." "The owner of Banner House." "The fellow publishing your book." "That's his portrait, there." "Sorry if we've kept you, but Barbara hit a storm on her way down from Maine." "So you've come down from Maine, huh?" "Well, you remember, C.B." "Miss Novak is the farmer's daughter librarian who spent the long, cold New England winter writing her manuscript by the light of a lonely oil lamp." "I'm at a loss here, ladies." "I'm afraid I don't know exactly what Miss Novak's book is about." "Miss Novak's book is a serious work of nonfiction entitled" "Vikki, excuse me, it's right behind you." "Would you mind pouring me a cup of coffee?" "It's a serious work of nonfiction entitled Down With Love." "This is empty." "lf you're making a pot, I'll have a cup." "Count me in." "Likewise." "Ditto." "None for me, Vikki." "Thanks, R.J." "I'll have a Sanka." "As I was saying, the central thesis of Miss Novak's book, Down With Love is that women will never be happy until they become independent as individuals by achieving equal participation in the work force." "And how do you propose women do this, Miss Novak?" "By saying, "Down with love."" "Love is a distraction." "If women stopped falling in love, it would be the end of the human race." "Not at all." "I say women should refrain from love, C.W., not sex." "Isn't that the same thing?" "I mean, for women." "It won't be, after they've mastered the three levels in my book that will teach any woman to live life the way a man does." "Level 1 instructs women to abstain from men altogether so they'll stop thinking that the pleasures experienced during the sex act are related to love." "They're not." "As women will learn by practicing the self-pleasuring technique that I've detailed in chapter 7, entitled:" ""Up With Chocolate."" "You see, gentlemen, the female experience is a biological reaction to chocolate that triggers the same pleasurable responses in the brain as are triggered during sex." "By substituting chocolate for sex, the female will soon learn the difference between sex and love." "Love for a man will no longer occupy her mind." "She will now find that she has the time and the energy to move on to Level 2 where taking on new challenges will lead to the self-sufficience of Level 3 where the woman becomes active in the workplace and earns and achieves an unequivocal equality with men." "And all this time the woman is abstaining from sex?" "Heavens, no." "By Level 3, she can have sex whenever she likes, without love and enjoy it the way a man does, "à la carte."" "Well, Miss Novak, your theories may have worked with the gentlemen up in Maine, but the men in Manhattan are not the fine, upstanding, straightforward men of Maine." "The men of Manhattan are devious." "They're dangerous." "They'll be coming at you from every angle." "When you're watching your front, they'll attack the rear." "And when you're protecting your rear, they'll drop out of the sky." "One more kiss." "Easy, baby." "Careful you don't fall out." "Bye-bye." "Very good. I'll let him know." "Mr. McMannus, Catcher Block has just landed on the roof." "Are you Catcher Block's secretary?" "Yes, Mr. McMannus." "I'm Sally. I'm new." "They're always new." "When he gets in, tell him to see me." "He's fired." "You're fired." "No, I'm not." "Oh, yes, you are." "You can take your Pulitzer and your beloved Underwood and your change of underwear and clear out." "Do you work for me?" "You had a story due yesterday, but I gave you more time." "I held the presses so you could get your scoop on Nazis hiding in Argentina." "Then I see this." ""ltem:" "Know magazine's star journalist, Catcher Block, ladies' man man's man, man about town, was seen leaving the Copa last night with a doggy bag and three girls from the floor show."" "I took the bossa nova triplets to Cocoa Beach." "NASA was throwing a luau." "Oh, well, I hope you enjoyed it." "Because unless you found Nazis hiding at your luau, you're fired." "There were Nazis hiding at your luau!" "I knew you'd do it." "What do you got for me, Catch?" "Argentina isn't the only hiding place for Nazis." "They're hiding in Florida too." "Wow." "How?" "Who's hiding them?" "We are." "We-- Americans?" "Why?" "Nazis are bad." "We're good." "Yeah, but some bad Nazis are good scientists." "Like the guy building the rocket to land on the moon and win us the space race." "He's a Nazi." "And I saw the top-secret file to prove it." "Here, I brought you a souvenir." "A top-secret NASA security clearance badge." "How did you get this?" "Blame it on the bossa nova." "The triplets?" "Yeah." "You see, Lo shakes her maracas and Rosa bounces her bongos while Nena is all hands." "1 20 words a minute." "The story, it's written?" "Whoa, Catch!" "But is it safe to print?" "NASA is gonna blow its stack." "Well, they forgave Germany, they can forgive us." "Get someone from Legal up here." "Yes, sir." "Yes, sir." "Yes, sir." "Yes, sir." "My analyst says I only react to you with such vehement loathing because I admire you so much." "He says I resent you for being a self-made man." "As opposed to the son of a self-made man." "Here, I hope you have your garters from last night." "There's none in here." "Garters?" "I haven't worn garters since Nixon conceded." "What are you, turning into a beatnik?" "Oh, step into the future, Mac, garters are a thing of the past." "I don't know, Catch." "I have enough of an insecurity complex without worrying about my socks falling down." "How can you know you won't show a shiny shin when you cross your legs?" "It's a miracle of the space age." "Sock manufacturers are using new fibers like Lycra, Orlon and Dacron to put super stay-up power into their over-the-calf sock." "What is the average length for most men?" "How would I know?" "Do you think I spend time in the locker room looking around making a comparative study?" "Let me see yours again, then." "We could measure." "I'll get a ruler." "Better make it a yardstick." "Let's be accurate." "Make sure you've got it fully extended." "Here you have it." "Up the whole way." "It stays up all the way all day long, Mac." "That's the miracle I told you about." "Better living through chemistry." "You got 1 6 inches." "Sixteen inches!" "How long does a man's hose have to be?" "That's 32 inches of confidence in every step." "Don't forget, I've got two of them." "I don't believe it." "You went through another one." "That's three this month." "What is it about the workplace that women just can't seem to handle?" "Men." "They want us to fail." "lnviting me to New York to launch my book when they have no intention of promoting it." "Don't worry. I have a plan." "You do?" "Remember when you called to say you'd like publicity where men would see it?" ""Perhaps in a men's magazine," you said." "A prestigious men's magazine." "The most widely circulated and highly respected men's magazine." "Know?" "Yes, you did." "No, I mean Know." "Know magazine for men in the know." "Oh." "Yes, exactly." "You got us advertising in Know?" "l did better." "I got you a cover story written by Know magazine's star journalist, Catcher Block." "Catcher Block?" "The ladies' man, man's man, man about town?" "Oh, Vikki, you're the best friend a girl from Maine who wrote a book and came to New York could ever have." "You don't know the half of it. I hear Catcher Block is gorgeous and eligible." "Not that that matters to us." "Down with love." "I can't believe it." "Me on the cover of Know." "Know." "No." "Catch, please, I promised." "It's one cover story." "A girl's never called me in my life, let alone invited me for a drink." "I think this Vikki really likes me." "I think I might really like her." "I'm sure I would if she likes me." "And she does, because I told her as owner of Know magazine I had pull with my staff." "Then pull your staff with one of your other writers. I'm not doing it." "No, it can't be anyone else." "The best thing I have to offer a woman is the same thing you offer a woman." "You." "Yeah, but I'm all tied up, Mac." "I'm using me." "Come on. lt'll be fun." "You like fun." "Fun?" "Interviewing a man-hating, embittered New England spinster librarian?" "How do you know what she's like?" "Who else would write a book called Down With Love?" "You don't have to be a Nazi rocket scientist to figure that out." "Catch, please, please, please, please." "I hope you won't be disappointed." "Oh, Vikki, it's adorable." "My first New York phone call." "It must be Know magazine." "No one else has your number." "It must be Catcher Block." "This is Barbara Novak." "This is Catcher Block." "Catcher Block?" "Catcher Block?" "Know magazine." "Oh, yes, of course." "What can I do for you, Mr. Block?" "I think it's what I can do for you, Miss Novak." "I'd like to invite you to lunch to discuss your book." "Well, that sounds very nice, but I'll have to check my schedule to see when I'm available." "We've already ordered." "Can you be in the Mahogany Room in 1 0 minutes?" "I'm afraid that will be impossible, Mr. Block." "Well, some other time, then." "Right, I'll see you in 1 5." "Catch, you are the best friend a guy with 20 diagnosed neuroses ever had." "We've been friends a long time." "I knew you when you had 1 2." "Oh, this is great. I'll be right back." "Gotta go put in my shoe lifts." "Guess who?" "As if I'd need to guess." "Tell me my name." "Tell me you love me." "Blimey, Catch, you know I love you." "And I love you too, Gwendolyn." "How long's your layover?" "Never long enough." "There's always time for a matinee." "Well, hello, Peter." "Barbara Novak, Peter McMannus." "Nice to meet you, Mr. McMannus." "Where's Mr. Block?" "Yes, Mr. McMannus, where's Mr. Block?" "I don't know." "Henri, where is Mr. Block?" "l don't know." "Mr. Block for you, Mr. McMannus." "Here he is now." "Catcher, where are you?" "Mac." "Something sprung up." "Is she there?" "Yes, she is." "Let me speak to the spinster." "Mr. Block would like to speak with you." "This is Barbara Novak." "l'm so sorry, Miss Novak." "The darnedest thing." "I was waiting for you at the bar and a little English foxhound walked right in, came up to me and started nuzzling me." "She seemed so lost, and didn't want to go with anyone else..." "...so I just had to take care of her." "Mr." "Block, that is so thoughtful." "I remember reading that the true test of a man's character is how he treats a defenseless creature." "Tell me, Mr. Block, how is the little bitch now?" "Well, I've got her all nestled in a box, but I don't think she'll be content until I'm holding her." "Miss Novak, could we rain check until dinner?" "Of course." "Well, goodbye, Mr. Block." "Until dinner." "Goodbye." "This is Barbara Novak." "Miss Novak, I am so sorry, the darnedest thing." "Yes, Mr. Block." "I'm out in the park with my little French poodle and she's just not ready to go in yet, if you know what I mean." "Oh, I do." "But here's a little advice from a farm girl to a city boy." "You'll find that if you stick a little twig in her bottom she'll remember why she went out with you in the first place." "I'll keep that in mind." "Miss Novak, I hate to ask, but could we rain check until breakfast?" "Of course." "Goodbye, Mr. Block." "Until breakfast." "I just don't know." "It's not like Catch to be late." "No, he usually calls to cancel right on time." "Oh, Barbara, I'm sure he'll call." "I mean come." "Elke and I missed you at lunch yesterday, Gwendolyn." "Oh, I took in a matinee with Catcher Block." "is that so?" "Elke and I missed you at dinner last night, Yvette." "I took in a night game with Catcher Block." "I told him I'd give up flying for him." "I did too." "Now I wonder if he ever loved me." "l wonder if he even cared." "I wonder what's keeping Elke." "This is Barbara Novak." "I'm so sorry, Miss Novak." "The darnedest thing." "I got waylaid by the sweetest Swedish Lapphund who kept me up half the night, and I'm afraid I'm still in bed." "My, you do get way laid." "Would you care for another beverage?" "Thank you." "l beg your pardon?" "l was saying thank you, Miss Novak." "You are very understanding." "Could we rain check until lunch?" "Oh, Mr. Block, you can take your rain check and as we say on the farm at harvest time put it where the sun does not shine." "Miss Novak, if you're looking to get dinner, then just say so." "Oh, Mr. Block." "I wouldn't meet with you in 1 00 years." "Goodbye, Mr. Block." "Forever!" "Mr. McMannus, thank you for your trouble." "Not at all." "Vikki, I'll call a taxi." "Guess this means we're through." "Oh, it's sad, isn't it?" "This is the first time I've eliminated having a future with a man before we've had the chance to have had a past." "Goodbye, Mr. McMannus." "It was nice while it lasted." "I haven't had dinner and breakfast with the same woman since I had a nanny." "I'm sorry, Peter, but Vikki is not the only girl for you." "That's why I brought you here." "You brought me here because we're buddies, right?" "Bosom buddies." "Get a load of those rockets." "Here's to antigravity." "Stay with me, buddy." "You'll get the spins." "And whatever you do, don't close your eyes." "Don't close your eyes." "Open your eyes." "Open your eyes." "It's your book." "On sale, Scribners Fifth Avenue." "One?" "Just one?" "All that work, and, and, and one." "If somebody buys it, well, then there will be none." "It'll be as if it never even existed." "No, no." "Doubleday also has one." "Barbara, I know you're thinking this is a real setback but I promise you I will think of something." "If only we could get your book on The Ed Sullivan Show." "How exactly do you get a book on The Ed Sullivan Show?" "Vikki, you're incredible." "She wasn't even on the bill." "How did they fit her in?" "Oh, the best luck." "The Singing Nun fell off her scooter..." "I guess somebody up there likes me." "a really big surprise." "Because it coincides with the arrival of a new book, Down With Love which this week is at your booksellers from coast to coast." "We have a very, very special friend of our show to do a song of that book." "Now, I want a really big, warm welcome for Judy Garland." "Yes, ma'am." "Down With Love by Barbara Novak." "It's called Down With Love by Barbara Novak." "You said she was a spinster." "I never used the word spinster in my life." "Okay, once." "When I told my mother it was incorrect to call her son a spinster." "You said she was a brunette." "l did not." "She didn't sound blond on the phone." "Do you still wanna date Vikki?" "Of course." "You think I wanna die a spinster?" "Call her." "Tell her I'll do the cover story." "Oh, Catch, you are the best friend a guy" "Just call." "Not since Johann Gutenberg's invention of the printing press which changed forever the landscape of man's destiny has one book reached so many and achieved so much." "Reminding all of us here today of the noble goal which called us to toil in the field of publishing to begin with:" "Sales." "So here's to Banner House's new number one author and our new number one editor." "Say cheers, everyone." "Cheers." "Those men are livid, B.N." "You're a hit." "You're bigger than the pill." "Oh, talk about big, V.H." "This office is huge." "Congratulations." "We did it." "Well, hello, Gladys." "You look wonderful." "As you told me, Barbara, it's never too late." "Oh, Vikki, Peter McMannus called again." "Now it's every half-hour." "Tell him we're too busy." "What do you mean?" "Too busy?" "You know what it means." "They hate us." "Too busy?" "Kennedy, Khrushchev and Castro weren't too busy during the Cuban Missile Crisis to sit down and talk to me." "But this Down With Love chick is too busy?" "Doing what?" "Eating chocolate?" "I'm sorry, panel, you've been stumped." "The author of the bestseller Down With Love..." "lt's Novak!" "..." "Barbara Novak." "Barbara, I know every woman bought your book." "And I know every man sneaked out and bought it to find out what their women were reading." "Oh, well, that's when the sales doubled." "But then they tripled." "How did that happen?" "It seems that church groups in the Bible belt were so zealous about being seen burning my book that every time they had a bonfire they would call the next day and reorder, so they could have another one." "Now, I've heard a lot of talk about Chapter 8 about the worst kind of man, the kind every woman should avoid." "What's that title again?" "Oh, yes." "Men Who Change Women As Often As They Change Their Shirts." "And have you met a lot of that kind of man in your research?" "You're not asking me to name names, are you?" "No, of course not." "Catcher Block." "Four million women in the naked city and the one you let get away, the one you had to get on the bad side of is the woman all the other four million are listening to." "You blew it, buddy." "The age of Catcher Block, ladies' man, man's man, man about town, is over." "The king is dead." "I hate to spoil your fun, Mac, but the four million women I go out with don't listen to Barbara Novak." "Hello." "Hey, Gwendolyn, baby." "Where are you?" "Well, then get out of the airport." "We have reservations for 1 0:00." "Well, you can't sit in the terminal till 3 a.m. Aren't you gonna get hungry?" "No, I'm pretty full." "Besides, I have to catch up on some reading." "Reading?" "Reading what?" "Good night, Gwendolyn." "What's the matter, Catch?" "Lose another one?" "I am going to bury that Novak broad and turn this crazy upside-down- with-love world right side up again." "I'm gonna write the exposé of the century, so the world will know once and for all that deep down, all women are the same." "They all want the same thing:" "love and marriage." "Even Miss Barbara "Down With Love" Novak." "And I am going to prove it." "How?" "Novak won't even see you." "That's right." "That's why Novak won't even see me coming." "Barbara, you're not dressed." "Aren't you coming?" "No. I'm just gonna stay in tonight." "Why?" "Because you don't have a date?" "My date's a quarterback with 27 teammates. I'm sure he can fix you up." "I'm sure he couldn't." "I am persona non grata to all men." "I can't even get picked up by a taxi driver." "Now, this is crazy." "All of this fame and success and Miss Sex à la Carte is the only woman who can't have sex à la carte." "At least not on this earth." "Maybe we can find you an astronaut who's been in orbit the past two weeks." "It's all right, Vikki. I'm perfectly content on my own." "Well, when it comes to not needing a man, you wrote the book." "Taxi!" "Wait a minute." "l have to pick up my dry cleaning." "Can't." "Gotta go back to the office." "Skip in Research is doing a fact-check on Novak." "Who she knows, where she goes, what she likes for dinner, à la carte." "Two minutes?" "I waited for you to eat your hot dog." "You're right. I'll pick up your cleaning." "Go back to the office." "Oh, but l" "Oh, make sure they starch the socks." "I'm getting it." "You iron." "No, you iron and I'll spend all day up front kibitzing with the customers." "We're equal now." "Again with that book." "Hello, Novak." "Hello, Mrs. Litzer." "Where's Mr. Litzer?" "He's ironing." "Irving, say hello to Novak." "Hello, Novak." "I'll get your things, dear." "Thank you." "Yours too, mister." "Pardon me, miss, but you sure look familiar." "Are you...?" "Yes, I am." "Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle." "Wait till I tell the folks back home I took my clothes to the same dry cleaners as Miss Kim Novik." "No, no, my name is Novak." "Oh, that's right." "Miss Kim Novak." "No, no, I'm not Kim Novak." "I'm Barbara Novak." "Oh, well, that doesn't ring a bell." "You mean you've never heard of me?" "Oh, I'm sorry." "Oh, no." "No, don't be." "I find it very refreshing." "You, Mr. Absent-minded Professor." "You left a lot of things in your pockets." "Why, thank you, ma'am." "Excuse me. I'm sorry." "Do you mean that you've never heard of my book the worldwide sensation, Down With Love?" "No, ma'am, I have not." "But lately, I've been out of this world." "Oh, look, my NASA security badge." "I've been looking all over for that." "You're an astronaut?" "Why, yes, I am." "Well, what's your name?" "Maybe I've heard of you." "Zip." "Zip...?" "Martin." "Major Zip Martin." "Well, tell me, major are those parties in Cocoa Beach as wild and uncivilized as they seem?" "Oh, now, I couldn't say, ma'am." "I'm not much for going to parties." "My idea of a good time is to sit at home with a good book and smoke my pipe." "Pay later. Irving's burning the ironing." "Pardon me, miss." "Oh, we're stuck together." "Let me fix that." "There you go, Miss Novak." "Well goodbye." "One, two, three, four." "Zip?" "Yes, Miss Novak?" "Well, I don't suppose that you're staying in New York?" "Why, yes, I am." "NASA sent me here to work on a special project." "A top-secret project." "Can you keep a secret?" "Yes." "Me too." "Gee, it sure seems like we got a lot in common." "Why, yes, it does." "It might be nice to see just what we have in common." "And what we have that's different." "I'm sorry?" "Would you like to go to my place and get to know each other a little better?" "A little better?" "A lot better." "A lot better than what?" "All the way better." "Oh, gee." "No, now, I couldn't do that." "Why, I couldn't get to know you all the way better until I knew you much, much better." "Do you think that you know me well enough to let me buy you a drink?" "Well...." "l'd sure love a Tang." "Lose another pair of glasses?" "No, I'm keeping a low profile." "Vikki's over there with some guy." "That's not some guy." "That's Johnny Trementus, the quarterback." "Fourteen hundred and thirty-two complete passes." "is he going for 1 433?" "Well, Vikki's left herself wide open, but Trementus surprisingly fumbles." "Now what's he doing?" "In layman's terms." "He's leaving." "Now's your chance." "I can't go over there." "She hates me." "She doesn't hate you." "She hates me." "Now, stop warming the bench and get in the game." "Once you run my Novak exposé, she will hate you, and the clock will run out." "Can't you get off your Novak warpath?" "Nope. I've got her surrounded." "And it won't take a surprise attack to enter her tepee." "I'm telling you, Kimo Sabe, you want big wampum?" "Make Vikki love you now." "Okay, okay, enough with the football talk. I'm going." "Here you are, Monsieur Block." "Thanks, Henri." "Only, from now on it's Maj. Zip Martin." "Spread the word to the other maître d's, the doormen theater ushers and taxi drivers." "Done, major." "It'll be all right, McMannus." "Just be normal." "Be cool." "Hello, Vikki." "Hello, Peter." "Are you in love with that football player?" "Not anymore." "He only wanted one thing, to slip me his manuscript." "He didn't even have the professional courtesy to try and seduce me first." "The men who resent my success won't give me the time of day." "And the men who respect my success won't give me the time of night." "I don't know about other men, but I swear if I had the chance I would respect you and resent you night and day and day and night." "Peter, you would?" "You bet." "You're on." "Oh, Zip, isn't this exciting?" "We must be the only two people in New York who haven't seen Camelot yet." "You're not just being nice?" "You really haven't seen it either?" "Oh, I can honestly say I have never seen this show." "Mr. Block, Mr. McNulty to see you." "Send him in." "McNulty, good." "Look, this should cover your up-front expenses." "I want you to go up to Maine, get me all the dirt on Novak." "No girl like that would swear off love to get ahead in the work force." "Somewhere, sometime, some guy hurt her." "Now, I need to find him, so I can prove I'm right and nail my exposé." "Gladly." "That broad's book is bad for business." "Husbands don't want their wives tailed anymore." "They know if she's sneaking out now, she's just looking for a job." "Hello." "Mac." "Mac." "Mac, calm down." "Okay, I'll be right over." "Quick, taste my sauce." "Too tart?" "This is your big emergency?" "Yes. I invited Vikki to dinner." "It has to be perfect so she'll find me irresistible, and I can make my big move." "You could've made your big move three weeks ago, Mac. I keep telling you." "That's these Down With Love girls' claim to fame." "One date, no waiting." "These Down With Love girls may be used to having sex the way a man does but I'm not." "Too sweet?" "So I guess you and Novak have been very down with love." "I mean, you've had, what, 29 dates in 23 days?" "Yeah, but I'm trying to get her not to want to have sex with me." "These days you gotta play your cards right to get a girl to say no." "Or maybe you just like spending time with her." "Maybe the necessity of all this chastity and monogamy has made you realize that Barbara Novak is your ideal potential lover." "Come back to Earth, buddy boy." "Your cake's burning." "So this is how a guy like you does it, huh?" "No, I don't do it. lf l did do it, I'd do what I'm doing which reminds me of something I didn't do." "l have to call Vikki with my address." "l've got a better idea." "Invite Vikki to my place, make like it's yours." "You know where l keep the spare key." "You'd let me use the key you leave out for your girlfriends?" "Somebody might as well. lt's gathering dust since Novak hit the bestseller list." "But I invited Vikki for a home-cooked meal." "Trust me." "Ten minutes in my apartment, and you'll both forget all about dinner." "Ten minutes?" "Ten minutes." "Hello?" "Hello, Barbara, it's Zip." "Hello, Zip." "I was wondering if I could ask you to do me a very special favor." "Sure, Zip, anything." "Well, I know we'd planned to go out but, well, I thought it might be fun to stay in." "I'm in the mood for a home-cooked meal." "Maj. Martin, I have no desire to stay cooped up in the kitchen slaving over a hot stove and a sink full of dirty dishes." "Oh, no, Barbara, you misunderstood." "When I said a home-cooked meal, I meant at my place." "I wanted to serve you." "Oh, Zip, no man has ever done this for me before." "How thoughtful." "Well." "And considerate." "It's my pleasure." "Oh, no." "No, no, it's mine." "So you'd like to come?" "Oh, yes." "Yes, yes." "I can't wait." "Seventy-third and Park." "And Barbara?" "Yes, Zip." "Thank you for being so flexible." "No, Zip, thank you." "Oh, Zip." "Everything looks divine." "I have that funny feeling that you've done quite a bit of entertaining for two here." "Oh, I can honestly say that, until you I haven't done any entertaining for two here at all." "Well, you're certainly not the average astronaut." "Oh, I get so tired of all that freeze-dried food." "After a steady diet of pellet steak and potato tablets you yearn for something hot to sink your teeth into." "Well, you've whetted my appetite." "It's not just your cooking." "You are so well-rounded." "Your collection of art and antiques." "You've made a real home here." "Well, Earth still is my favorite planet." "No, I meant here, in New York." "Most bachelors in this city are only interested in an apartment that comes fully loaded with every gadget and contraption man has invented to snare a woman." "I don't understand this, Peter." "How does a person lose their built-in bar?" "I swear. lt was here a minute ago." "Hey, found it." "Vikki?" "Where are you?" "I don't know." "Your couch was all over me like some animal." "Who knew you were so dangerous." "I'm sorry." "I know I seem a little disoriented." "I guess I tasted too much sherry while I was cooking." "You cooked for me?" "No man has ever done that for me before." "I'm famished." "Actually I didn't cook." "Here." "At my apartment." "For us." "I cooked at Catch's apartment for Catch." "But you've only been here a minute." "Let's make it 1 0 and see if we forget all about dinner." "Are those your parents?" "No, those are Catch's parents." "Why do you have a picture of Catch's parents?" "Let's listen to some music." "I'm sorry. I'm sorry." "I can't do this for eight more minutes." "Let's go eat." "How's that?" "You tell me when it's good for you." "Put your hand on it and guide me till I got it in the right spot." "Almost." "Almost." "Oh, Zip." "I've done this a lot before, of course but never with such a powerful instrument." "That's it." "It's perfectly clear." "Oh, Zip, I've never seen anything so beautiful in all my life." "Neither have I." "You're not even looking through the telescope." "I know." "This chocolate soufflé is delicious, Zip." "You've really outdone yourself." "I wanted the perfect end to the perfect evening." "I've never been more ready to go to bed." "Oh, Zip, I'm so glad that you feel that way." "You know that I feel the same way." "Well, then let's get to bed." "I'll call you a taxi." "Taxi?" "Oh, when I said bed, you thought I meant...bed." "Oh, Barbara, I'm so sorry." "This is only the first time you've been to my home, and where l come from-- lt's all right, Zip." "It's all right." "It's better this way." "Let's just say good night and goodbye." "Goodbye?" "You mean for good?" "I'm afraid so, Zip." "You see, I'm beginning to feel...." "Well, I'm beginning to feel." "Well, couldn't you give me just one more chance?" "Oh, I'd like to, Zip." "Really, I would." "But just the fact that I'd like to give you another chance is the very reason why I absolutely must not." "Okay, one more chance." "I'll just...." "Peter?" "You rang." "No, I used my key." "How did everyone else get in here?" "I took Vikki down to the Village for a demitasse." "Crazy." "And then the coffeehouse got raided, so I moved the scene uptown." "You dig, daddy-o?" "Oh, I do dig." "And after being grounded for 24 days, this astronaut is ready to blast off." "Ask me why I mourn." "Why do you mourn, baby?" "I mourn because you are shrouded in the suit and tie that Madison Avenue will bury you in alive." "Well, if it will cheer you up, you can help me out of it." "Hi." "Hi." "Coffee?" "So this is a beatnik party." "lsn't it a gas?" "Yes." "Oh, I'm so glad you called." "After my date tonight, I didn't wanna be alone." "You won't need an astronaut to find a date." "Everyone's in orbit." "So should I introduce myself to the host?" "Or is that too establishment?" "You know the host." "This is Peter's place." "Catcher Block won't be here, will he?" "Oh, not to worry." "Everyone here's a total stranger." "Go throw your coat on the bed, and let's join the bash." "Oh, excuse me." "Catch." "Yes?" "Zip?" "Barbara." "Barbara, wait." "Barbara." "Barbara, wait. I can explain." "You don't have to." "You said you were ready for bed." "I'm glad you ran into someone you care enough for to take to bed." "But it wasn't like that." "I don't even know her." "Oh, really?" "l mean, I didn't know what I was doing." "And yet her hat's off to you anyway." "What?" "Good night, miss." "Good night, Maj. Martin." "Barbara, believe me, I didn't know what was happening." "The minute I got here, that girl filled my pipe with tobacco she bought in San Francisco." "And after that, everything went hooey." "You mean she drugged you?" "All the way into that bedroom." "Wait a minute." "What were you doing at a party like that?" "Well, I had no idea there was going to be a party here." "I got a call to tell me to come to this publisher's apartment to meet some journalist who wanted to do a cover story on my NASA top-secret project." "Some guy named Snitch or Snatch." "Catch?" "Catcher Block?" "Maybe." "Anyway, I rush over here, and that guy does not even show up." "Don't you see?" "You were set up." "No!" "Yes." "Catcher Block invited you here under false pretenses so he could do one of his famous exposés on how NASA's top-secret New York project is just one big drug-infested beatnik shindig." "Oh, that's low." "That's Catcher Block." "That's how he operates." "Oh, Barbara, I'm so sorry." "I just feel like such an easily tricked hick." "And then you went and made the trick seem so obvious." "Oh, Zip. I didn't mean to make you feel bad." "I didn't mean to make you feel mad." "Oh, this is terrible." "We're behaving just like two people in love." "Which means this argument was the final straw." "This has to be the end." "Or just the beginning." "Holy cow." "This argument has made me realize that I must really care about you." "I'm finally ready to get to know you better." "How much better?" "All the way better." "Really?" "I'm sorry I have to say this, Barbara, but I love you." "Well, I don't have any rules against men falling in love." "So I can make love to you?" "Heartfelt, passionate, worshipping, adoring love and you could still have meaningless sex with me, right?" "Yes." "So are we still on for tomorrow night?" "Yes." "Oh, yes." "That pink book is ruining my life." "Woman acts as if she has a mind of her own." "She refuses my advances." "This goes to the sanctity of a man's most fundamental right." "All our wives are giving us trouble." "I'm not talking about my wife." "I'm talking about my mistress." "I want that Vikki Hiller fired!" "But you can't fire her now, T.B." "How would it look?" "She is the most celebrated editor in the business." "You're my creative team." "Create a reason to get rid of her." "Or I'll create a new creative team." "Good morning, gentlemen." "Do you know why it's good?" "Because this is the day I tell Theodore Banner that my fellow senior editors are going to treat me like more than just a titular senior editor or I quit." "I should have known the top dog would be a rat." "He's a man. I hate men." "For as man-crazy as I've been my whole life, I sure can't stand them." "I think I'll just get married." "You're just upset." "You'll find another job." "I don't want another job." "I'm sorry, Barbara, but I don't wanna be a Down With Love girl anymore." "I give up. I give in." "I just wanna be Mrs. Peter McMannus." "Really?" "At least then there'd be one man I could tell what to do." "Anyway, there. I've said it." "If you want me to resign as your friend, I understand." "Oh, Vikki, no." "How could I possibly accept your resignation now when I need a friend more than ever?" "You see, I have a confession to make too." "I'm not a Down With Love girl either." "I'm a woman who's fallen in love." "And I'm going to tell him." "And tonight's the night." "Tonight?" "Yep." "Tonight's the night Barbara Novak is going down." "I've got her exactly where l want her." "She was saying yes, but any man could tell she really meant no." "Here's the title to next month's cover story:" ""Catcher Block on Barbara Novak:" "Penetrating the Myth."" "We'll have to sell it in a brown wrapper." "I'm taking her to my place, which she thinks is yours by saying the guy she thinks I am has a meeting with you and the guy who she still doesn't know I am." "What do I have to say?" "You don't say a word." "Got you." "So this is it." "Tonight's the night." "I have my big night with Vikki at the same time you're having your big night that will ruin Novak and Vikki and everything Vikki's worked for." "You're putting me under pressure." "It's enough to make a man explode." "Finally." "Here's to tonight." "I hope you don't mind this detour." "I only mind if Peter McMannus is wasting your time." ""Dear Zip, something came up." "Accept my apologies with the champagne inside."" "Typical." "Well, we might as well crack the champagne." "We'll only be 1 0 minutes." "Ten minutes?" "Ten minutes." "Are you all right?" "You seem nervous." "What would I have to seem guilty about?" "I didn't say guilty. I said nervous." "Are you accusing me of keeping something from you?" "Peter, calm down. lt's all right." "You're not keeping anything from me." "I already know." "What?" "l know all about it. I've known all along." "You have?" "Yes." "And so what?" "So you're a homosexual hopelessly in love with Catcher Block." "That's no reason we can't be married." "What?" "I'm not a homosexual." "Oh, Peter, come on." "The cooking for Catch at his place." "The pictures of Catch's parents at your place." "If there had been any other explanation, I would have found it." "At one point, I convinced myself that life was all one big, zany sex comedy and you'd switched keys with the lead to use his swinging pad to snare me." "l did. I did switch keys with the lead." "Oh, please." "If that's not what you feel guilty about, then what is?" "That Block is tricking Novak so he can publicly destroy her with an exposé." "What?" "And you've known about this all along?" "Where are they?" "His place." "My place." "His place." "Goodbye, Peter." "The wedding is off." "Vikki, wait." "Let me explain." "Where's my geisha?" "I need my shoes." "Now, let me see if I have this." "The first switch starts the hi-fi." "The second switch lowers the lights." "Do you wanna go for broke?" "I'm game if you are." "You have an eyelash." "Make a wish." "What?" "Funny." "The way you said lash." "It sounded like you had a different accent." "That is funny." "Anyway, this definitely is a woman-snaring bachelor pad fully loaded to get you in the mood." "Are you in the mood, Zip?" "Yes, Barbara." "I am." "Darling?" "No." "No?" "After you've waited all this time, and now you say no?" "Yes." "There's something I wanna tell you." "Yes, Barbara Novak, tell me anything." "I love you." "Tell me how much, Barbara Novak." "Too much." "Too much." "Too much to have sex with you." "Oh, right." "Because you are Barbara Novak." "Author of Down With Love." "And you do not believe in having sex with feelings." "No, that's not why I want you to stop." "I want you to stop because I love you too much to have sex without marrying you." "I want what every woman wants:" "love and marriage." "I'm not a Down With Love girl." "I'm not the girl you think I am." "Oh, you are exactly the girl I think you are." "Catcher Block!" "You're getting sloppy." "Leaving a key on the outside when you're busy on the inside." "Oh, why the long faces?" "We're all equal, self-reliant citizens of the world here." "I know I am." "Heaven knows all men are." "And you're with Catch Block, so I hope you are." "Anyway, I just popped by for a little sex à la carte." "But since you're busy, I'll just ring up my crew captain at the hotel." "Cheerio." "All right." "Now you know." "I'm Catcher Block, not Zip Martin." "There is no Zip Martin." "But before you storm out of here, admit it." "I got you." "I got Barbara "Down With Love" Novak to fall in love." "I'm not gonna storm out of here, Catch." "And I'm not gonna admit that you got Barbara Novak to fall in love." "Because I'm not Barbara Novak." "There is no Barbara Novak." "And I didn't fall in love with Zip Martin." "I fell in love with Catcher Block." "And that was a year ago when for three weeks, I worked as your secretary." "I don't expect you to remember me." "I wasn't a blond." "But you did ask me out, and it broke my heart to say no." "But I loved you too much." "I couldn't bear to become just another notch in your bedpost." "With your dating habits, I knew that even if I was lucky enough to get a regular spot on your rotating schedule I would never have your attention long enough for you to fall in love with me." "I knew I had to do something to set myself apart." "I knew I had to quit my job as your secretary and write an international bestseller controversial enough to get the attention of a New York publisher as well as Know magazine, but insignificant enough that if I went unseen, Know magazine's star journalist would refuse to do a cover story about it." "I knew that every time we were to meet, you would get distracted by one of your girlfriends and stand me up." "This would give me a reason to fight with you over the phone and declare that I wouldn't meet with you for 1 00 years." "And then all I would have to do was be patient and wait the two or three weeks it would take for everyone in the world to buy a copy of my bestseller." "And then I would begin to get the publicity I would need for you to one:" "See what I look like, and two:" "See me denounce you in public as the worst kind of man." "I knew that this would make you want to get even by writing one of your exposés." "In order to do that, you would have to go undercover, assume a false identity and pretend to be the man who would make the girl I was pretending to be fall in love." "I knew that since I was pretending to be a girl who would have sex on the first date you'd have to pretend to be a man who wouldn't have sex." "And in doing so, we would go out on lots of dates to all the best places and all the hit shows, until finally, one night you would take me back to your place that you were pretending was someone else's in order to get the evidence you needed to write your exposé by seducing me until I said, "l love you."" "But saying "l love you"  was also my plan." "I wanted to tell you the truth so that when you heard me say "l love you"  you would know that I knew who you were, and you would know who I was." "Then you, the great Catcher Block would know that you'd been beaten at your own game by me, Nancy Brown, your former secretary." "And I would have once and for all set myself apart from all the other girls you've known." "All those other girls that you never really cared about." "By making myself someone like the one person you really love and admire above all others:" "You." "Then when you realized that you had finally met your match I would have at last gained the respect that would make you wanna marry me first and seduce me later." "I wanted you to hear this from me before you heard it from your private eye." "Yeah." "Block, McNulty." "Got everything there is on Novak, and it's nothing." "Novak doesn't exist." "Except for a P.O. Box in Maine care of one Nancy Brown of 28 Gramercy Park where she was born and raised." "While our Nancy may have broken a few hearts growing up I can't find the guy we're looking for who broke her." "Never mind. I found him." "So now you know everything." "Now tell me the one thing I don't know." "Tell me if this plan of mine has worked." "Tell me if it's made you fall in love with me as I love you." "Come on." "We're going out." "Out?" "Now?" "Why?" "Because no wife of mine belongs in an apartment like this." "Wife?" "You will marry me, won't you, Barbara?" "Nancy." "Nancy." "Oh, Catch." "It's all I've ever wanted." "Are you sure it's what you want?" "Of course I'm sure." "I've met my match." "There's one thing between us and that's gone now that you're done pretending to be Barbara Novak." "You are Barbara Novak." "Oh, I didn't realize." "You are my heroine." "You're the heroine of all women around the world." "But you saved my life." "I'm still flying friendly in the skies but now I decide how friendly and when and with whom." "Oh, and I'm also training for my pilot's license." "And I have you to thank for it." "Thank you, Barbara Novak." "Thank you for all womankind." "Wow." "You are something else." "You didn't just fool me, you fooled the whole world." "But now we can set the whole world straight." "Our marriage will end the battle of the sexes." "This story's not just the Pulitzer." "This could be the Nobel Peace Prize." "Catch, you're not still going to write your exposé, are you?" "Why not?" "Well, you know why not." "All the women in the world, they look to me." "But the exposé can't hurt you now." "You're gonna have everything you've ever wished for." "You'll be Mrs. Catcher Block, living in our dream house in the suburbs." "With a yard full of noisy kids." "You putting them to bed, then you and me having dinner." "Catch, stop." "I can't do this." "Barbara, stop!" "Don't do this!" "He's not who he says he is." "Neither am I." "Goodbye, Catch." "Goodbye?" "Barbara." "Vikki." "Nancy." "Who you calling Nancy?" "Hey, wait, wait." "Please, let me explain." "There is no explanation." "Deceiving the girl you'll marry about your homosexuality is one thing." "Deceiving me in business is another." "I thought you were different." "But you're not." "You're a rat, Peter McMannus." "You're just like every other man." "I'm just like every other man." "Peter McMannus." "What do you say we step inside?" "Well" "Just for 1 0 minutes." "Ten minutes?" "Ten minutes." "Nancy, wait." "What do you mean, you can't do this?" "l mean I can't marry you." "What?" "l can't be Mrs. Catcher Block." "I can't be your wife with the kids and the house in the suburbs." "There was one part of my plan that I didn't count on." "That by pretending to be Barbara Novak I would actually become Barbara Novak." "I may be the last woman in the world to do it but I have finally become a Down With Love girl, Level 3." "I don't want love." "And I don't want you." "What did Vikki say?" "Any luck?" "No." "Barbara still doesn't want to see you." "She's thrown away everything you sent her." "The flowers, the candy the $6000 state-of-the-art Celestron telescope that wasn't really for you to send because it was mine, not yours." "Oh, she hates me." "At least Novak dropped you flat." "You know where you stand." "I think Vikki only started talking marriage to me that night in order to get me to have sex with her." "Once I did, I hardly ever see her." "Except when she comes back for more." "And I always give in." "Makes me feel so used." "It's just not right!" "I shouldn't feel used." "She should." "But she's taking her cues from Novak." "That's why you have to get to Novak." "You have to solve this, Catch." "You have to squash her." "Crush her." "If not for the sake of civilization, then just for me." "I don't wanna crush her. I love her." "All right, fine." "So run with that, then." "What happened to making your exposé into a public love letter?" "That's no good." "She's down with love for real this time." "You have to think of something." "Come on." "Get dressed." "We're going out." "You have to start circulating again." "Where's your little black book?" "l threw it away." "I don't care about sex anymore." "I just wanna be married." "Well, me too." "But fat chance." "Those Down With Love girls!" "It's revenge against men." "And it's all your fault, lover boy." "That's why they all act like you." "Stop the presses." "I've got a cover story that'll make Know sell like it has never sold before." ""Catcher Block Exposed:" "How falling in love with Barbara Novak made me a new man."" "It's my public love letter." "It's not from the old me." "It's from the new me." "The new man that Barbara Novak could fall in love with." "Come on, let's get this baby to print." "We're not going to print." "Haven't you noticed?" "We have no secretaries." "Every girl in New York City has quit her job." "They all wanna go work for your Barbara Novak." "For Barbara?" "Where?" "Novak topped you again." "It's here!" "Down With Love chocolate." "A mouthful of satisfaction in every bite." "Vikki, you are a genius." "Your book got chocolate sales to soar." "Why shouldn't we get a piece of the action?" "They sure kill my craving for sex." "The only man who could have me now is Milton Hershey." "Boy, am I glad it finally occurred to you that you were a multimillionaire many times over and we could start our own business." "And to think, I came that close to getting married and giving all this up." "I was starting to believe women weren't cut out for the workplace when the only problem was, the workplace wasn't cut out for women." "Banner House bastards." "And the word is out that Novak/Hiller International is cut to order." "Girls are lined up around the block to apply for the job as my private secretary." "And that's not all." "Catcher Block is here." "He wants to see you." "Well, call the guard, because I don't want to see him." "You have to see him." "He's an applicant." "For heaven's sake." "At the risk of sounding like my mother just stay perfectly still and let him get it over with." "Mrs. Litzer send in the first applicant, please." "Okay, Novak." "Over and out." "Another ruse, Catcher?" "You know I have no interest in seeing you." "But you know you have to." "And you know I know you have to." "You know how things are at Know ever since your new now." "I have no way of knowing how things are now at Know." "I knew how things were at Know before now." "You should know at Know, things are like they are at now." "We have to interview every applicant for every job." "And so do you." "Or you'd be going against now's definition of discrimination." "You wouldn't want the readers of now or Know to know that, would you?" "Have a seat, Mr. Block." "Your application?" "Oh, dear." "Unfortunately, the secretary job doesn't quite pay as much as your current job." "So I guess that's that." "Goodbye, Mr. Block." "Have a candy bar for your trouble." "And thanks again for thinking of us." "But I'm always thinking of you, Miss Novak." "I can't stop thinking of you." "And I'd like you to reconsider considering me." "Even at a pay cut of 96.6 percent?" "It's only money." "Besides, I've been on top for so long I thought it might be nice to try a new position." "And you think you could be comfortable in a position under a woman?" "I look forward to it." "Starting at the bottom, working my way up slowly to the top." "Still, I'm afraid that a man of your experience would be too distracted working in a predominantly female workplace." "Not at all." "You see I'm not really interested in women à la carte anymore." "The next time I get involved with a woman, it'll be to settle down." "Well, I wouldn't want you stealing one of the women from my work force just to put her away in a house in the suburbs." "Oh, I wouldn't want that either." "Miss Novak, I'm what you might call a new man." "Oh, is that so?" "And I'm looking for a new kind of love." ""Catcher Block Exposed"?" ""How falling in love with Barbara Novak made me a new man."" "Oh, sure." "And to put yourself on top, you just happened to have had to expose me as Nancy Brown in your attempt to win a Nobel Prize." "I never said a word about Nancy Brown." "And the only prize I wanted to win was you." "Crazy, isn't it?" "After all our tricking each other, I'm the one who wound up here with the love letter, and you're the one who wound up with the scoop." "Still I'll keep my eye on the billboards." "And maybe one day you'll do a piece on how you became someone in between the bashful brunette, Nancy Brown, and the cool blond, Barbara Novak." "That's a piece I could really go for." "One." "Two." "Three." "Four." "Five." "Someone between a blond and a brunette?" "Scooped you again." "I knew you would." "I knew the minute I placed an ad as an equal opportunity employer you would be the first to apply." "And I knew you knew." "And you let me in to ask you to marry me." "But you didn't know I'd say yes." "Vegas?" "We can get married there on the spot." "I'm not letting you get away again." "Ever." "Oh, Catch." "l love you, Barbara." "l know." "I'm sorry, you'll have to hold." "Peter?" "Vikki?" "Do you wanna marry me or not?" "I'm not giving up my career." "I wouldn't ask you to." "Then it's a deal?" "Deal!" "Well, ladies and gentlemen, it's official." "The battle of the sexes is over." "What's that?" "Don't believe me?" "Well, here's the proof." "Please give a warm welcome to the coauthors of the new book Here's to Love, Mrs. Barbara Novak-Block and Mr. Catcher Block." "[english]"