"Mate, this is great and everything, really great..." "But... this is a casual thing, yeah?" "I mean, we're seeing each other." "Casually." "I'm not... really into... anything heavy." "Wherever I lay my hat, that's my home." "Only now, wherever I lay my hat, you're another hat underneath my hat, and I don't need two hats." "If you know what I mean." "Lo siento." "Mi ingles no ha mejorado suficiente." "Sigo sin entenderte." "Can't argue with the fucking, though." "The fucking is very good." "You like to fuck?" "Yeah, go on, then." "Bring on the nine-hour bus journey." "On the plus side, it's so hard to sleep there's no choice but to catch up on all my work." "Although, cos I'm so tired, it's pretty shoddy." "But that's cool too, cos I sort of hate my course." "Hello, Josie." "Hi, John." "How's it going?" "It's John, he's great." "'Er, yeah.'" "Yeah." "I'm really not sure about John, to be honest, he's always got a bottle of Irn Bru, and he's not even Scottish." "'Still hating zoology?" "'" "The thing is, fundamentally, I have very little respect for animals." "They're gross." "And their enamel regenerates, which I know is quite a niche criticism, but it's just insane." "I have to go." "A man just sat next to me." "OK." "I'll see you in the morning." "You were a long time." "Was I?" "Sorry, it felt just... normal." "I'm joking." "You're allowed to spend as long as you need in the toilet, Kingsley." "Great." "Thanks." "How are you doing?" "I just Skyped Grandpops," "I thought it would be a good idea." "But he was such a weird colour." "He was so grey." "You try adjusting the contrast?" "That is such a male thing to say!" "It wasn't the contrast!" "Sorry, of course." "So, how long are the doctors saying?" "What's the... erm, the forecast?" "They say he might only last a few days." "A few days?" "God." "That's soon." "God." "Could be a month." "A month?" "That'll be good." "Considering." "Oh, God!" "This is so horrible." "I love you, Kings." "All right, Chemo?" "Listen, cheeky one," "I'm looking for a job for someone." "All right, yeah." "He's a go-getting self-starter, but he can't speak English." "And he's illegal." "What kind of thing could he get, do you reckon?" "Nothin'?" "!" "What about porno?" "Topless barista?" "Full-monty squeegee action?" "Chemo!" "Don't go!" "I need some help, mate!" "He can, er, crack eggs on his abs." "Seriously, I've seen him do it." "I mean, is that a job?" "She's hot, she's funny, she's cool, she's practically me." "You do realise that by fancying Sam, you are essentially admitting that you want to bum me?" "I don't want to bum you." "I want to... get to know Sam." "Forget about Sam." "Why don't you call Sabine?" "She's back, you know?" "Sabine was a mistake." "I realised that after I completed Facebook one week this summer." "Sorry..." "You "completed" Facebook?" "Yeah." "It wasn't difficult." "Sabine's only interests are a band called Maroon 5 and pictures of cats that aren't her cats." "Look, you had your chance with Sam." "You stood her up." "No, I told her I had the winter vomiting bug." "She's been out-manoeuvred." "I'm going to rearrange." "Well, why don't you call her?" "I just need a little more time to refine my speech." "You've written a speech?" "What are you going to say?" "Hello." "That's it?" "Well, that's all I've got locked in." "Urgh!" "JP!" "Sam, it's JP." "I wonder whether you..." "Sam, it's Howard." "Don't..." "Oh, I see." "There's no-one there." "You've Punk'd me." "I've been Punk'd." "I gave you a head start, but right now I am putting on my trainers and I am doing deep knee bends at trackside." "I just need 24 hours." "Howard, you're not a maverick cop." "Morning." "I fell asleep watching The Transporter on ITV4." "It's shit, but he pulls you in, Statham." "Sure." "What?" "!" "You're avoiding Javier." "As if!" "Why would I?" "Maybe because you can't stand being around him and you're regretting inviting him over more and more every day." "Can you keep the incredibly loud typing down, please?" "Sorry." "People get really antsy when I don't update my blog." "Oh, yeah!" "Yeah, it's a nightmare when people don't update their blog!" "Where have you been?" "!" "Oh, watch out, hide your smokes!" "Mum's on the warpath." "I spent the night at the shelter helping out." "Well, let us know in future." "We were worried." "Not me - don't care." "It was perfectly safe." "Everyone from CU was there and..." "CU?" "Christian Union." "Oh, my God." "We've broken you." "All the sex and the drugs - it's too much." "And now you've joined a cult." "Buenos dias." "Vod!" "Do you, er, want some breakfast?" "I've got pasta, chickpeas, and half a tube of salt and vinegar Pringles." "What's a gwan, bredren?" "4pm Friday, got a date with Sam." "Uh, a daylight date is not a date." "JP, are you aware the downstairs toilet isn't flushing?" "I've got my own toilet upstairs." "I can't really be responsible for what's happening below decks." "You're the landlord." "Call the agency, then." "I did." "They said the landlord's phone is switched off." "Well, I'm sure the landlord will call you back at his convenience." "Where have you been?" "Nowhere." "Well, you have." "I went out for a walk." "A walk." "Kingsley, no-one under the age of 30 has ever been for a walk." "Well, I did." "Bullshit." "You've been out all night." "And as your landlord, I demand to know where." "I'll halve your fridge space." "And withdraw your access to the salad crisper." "All right, I need to talk to someone anyway, I feel like my head's going to blow off." "You know I was going out with Heather before?" "Yeah." "Well, I didn't actually quite manage... to totally break up with her." "The pupil has become the master." "Yeah, but I do need to break up with her, because..." "Because of Josie, obviously." "Player!" "Thanks." "But also because Heather now thinks I live with her." "So, like, I'm paying double rent." "Baller." "So even if it were sustainable to continue seeing them both..." "It is." "..which it isn't, I want to end it with Heather, but her grandad's dying." "So I don't want to be insensitive." "It feels like this big moral dilemma." "But could it be a fuss over nothing?" "Maybe I somehow engineer these situations to make my life more complicated." "What do you think?" "I think you're the Pussyman." "You should just Giggs it out." "Hi, Heather." "Right." "Oh, God, OK." "I'll be right over." "What am I going to do?" "I'd earmarked this time as Josie time." "Heather's gone rogue." "Just..." "Hiya!" "Oh, welcoming committee." "Knutsford was just telling me how he's cleared his entire calendar for you." "Weren't you, Knutsford?" "Hi." "Hi." "I like to pretend the coach is like a mobile Travel Lodge." "The difference is, a Travel Lodge doesn't smell like faeces and you don't have to share your bed with a fat man who snores and feels you up in his sleep." "Really?" "That's exactly what I imagined a Travel Lodge was like." "So I'm starting to feel like - long-term - do I want to live on a bus?" "Should I think about coming back?" "Perfect, yeah." "I like that idea." "Yeah?" "Cos I can just change courses again." "Although it is also a big decision, there's no need to rush." "Erm, if you waited a couple of weeks, or a month, a lot of things would be clearer... in a month." "Oh..." "Yeah?" "Tea, everyone?" "I'll have two cups, please." "Actually, no." "A cup of tea and a cup of coffee." "Why have one of something when you can have two?" "Eh, Kingy?" "Come on, JP, you only need one." "Two would be unmanageable." "No, I think I can handle two cups." "Tea and coffee." "Chips and rice." "The best of both worlds." "I'm not making you tea and coffee." "Which one do you want?" "That's the problem, though, isn't it?" "Which to choose." "Tea." "You're having tea." "You know it's tea you want." "Yeah, I don't know." "Just, I've really been enjoying the odd cheeky cup of coffee over the summer." "JP, we're going to have to go." "It's Dan." "Geology bat signal." "The geographers are staging a landgrab on the lab." "Show of force in 20 minutes." "Sorry, Josie." "Oh, really?" "I thought we were going to get pissed and watch Homes Under The Hammer." "Homes Under Hammer?" "Not yet, Javier!" "I'm really sorry, Josie." "I'll be back later, yeah?" "God, is it Homes Under The Hammers already?" "Homes Under the Hammer, Vod!" "Yeah!" "Homes Under The Hammers!" "Let him have the remote." "He likes Neighbours, but he watches it at 5.30." "He watches Doctors at lunch." "Don't let him watch Neighbours then or there'll be hell to pay this evening when he realises that he's seen it." "You can't just leave him like..." "luggage." "You're trifling with his affections!" "Oh, yeah?" "Well, tiramisu-me this, Oregon!" "Why am I marrying him?" "What?" "!" "Awesome!" "Bit rash?" "That is a monumental error." "I'm sorry!" "What?" "!" "What are you doing?" "Me and Javier, next Wednesday." "It's only a small do at the registry office." "We were going to keep it on the down-low, but... huh, why not make it a thing?" "What are you going to wear?" "Fuck knows." "Little black number?" "How are you getting to the registry office?" "We'll hire a bus, but on a seat-by-seat basis." "Getting the bus." "It's funny." "It's almost like you haven't really thought this through." "Yeah, well, that's the thing, innit?" "We're not really getting married." "I mean, we're getting married, but we're not getting MARRIED, you know what I mean?" "Not really." "It's not a real wedding!" "I think Javier thinks it's real." "He loves you." "He says it all the time." "Yeah, well, that's just..." "I love you, you love me... we all love tea." "I love cock, you love pussy, let's have another cup of tea." "Oh, that." "Don't mean anything." "If I marry him, he can get a job and earn some pesos." "Then, if we split up - which we might, you never know - he can afford to fly home." "You're getting married so you can dump him?" "No." "That'd be mental." "Do you know what you're doing, Vod?" "Yeah." "Getting my first marriage out the way early." "And, when it's open, this is where they serve beers, wines, spirits, soft drinks and, of course, a selection of crisps and nuts." "You mean, like a bar?" "Like what you might find back on Planet Earth?" "Exactly." "I might grab some water from the less-favoured vending machine." "It's your funeral!" "JP?" "So, this is it?" "This is your date." "Er, yes." "I've been watching you." "It's not a date." "It's a tour." "It's a tour and a date." "Have you kissed?" "We shook hands." "Ooh, like snooker players." "JP, this is the second time we've agreed to meet." "In the 19th century, we'd be practically married." "Howard, you're only dating Sam in the same way that a coach driver dates his passengers." "I consider the coast clear." "The coast is not clear." "All right, JP?" "You shot any interesting animals lately, you big Eton mess?" "Ha!" "Not many, Sam." "How about you?" "Has your mam got an inside toilet yet, you blue-collared beaut?" "So, Wednesday night." "Erm, yeah." "Thanks, JP." "I was just wondering if you'd like to come to Vod's wedding with me?" "Yeah." "I mean, it's not a real wedding." "It is legal, but the party will definitely be real." "Well, I'll be there - so not totally legal." "Yeah, well, all right, then." "OK." "Excellent." "So, if you'd like to continue our tour, perhaps you'd like to purchase a university-branded hoodie from the union store to... unimpress your friends." "I guess the problem with zoology is that fundamentally I don't care about animals." "But I do care about people." "Don't I care about people?" "Aren't I always asking how everyone is?" "So you might do it, then, the swap?" "No." "Yes." "I don't know." "It's hypothetical." "But if I did, I'm thinking pharmacology." "It's so fuckin' close to dentistry." "They even wear white coats, you can't get fuckin' closer than that." "What is it?" "It's the study of drugs." "You can study drugs?" "Now they tell me." "Yeah." "I mean, it's the only course I'm qualified for that has any vacancies." "It's pretty much perfect." "Oh." "I thought all you Christians were supposed to be all clean-living." "This is clean-living." "Helps prevent glaucoma." "Yeah, it does, doesn't it?" "Told you Ricky was cool, didn't I?" "Was he your all-night mission?" "No." "It's fine, I get it." "You want to fuck him." "This actually makes it a lot better." "I don't want to fuck Ricky." "But, please, could you not be a bit more original?" "I mean, I bet there are hotter Hindus." "What about Islam?" "I'm not suggesting you wear a burka, but what about the other one?" "The one that's just like a nice scarf." "I think that one might suit you." "Hiya." "So, I'm studying zoology in Southampton, but it's really rubbish and I've realised I don't like animals apart from as an ingredient." "So I wanted to inquire into the practicalities of transferring to pharmacology." "OK." "One of our PhD students is here and she'll talk you through the process." "Great." "Sabine, could you help this young lady?" "Sabine!" "How's it going?" "Hello, Josie." "Take a seat." "So....so brilliant to see you." "Yeah?" "Sure." "Shall we get straight down to business?" "Or... we could have a little catch-up?" "I could buy you lunch." "Or a cheeky bottle of Sauvignon Blanc." "You need two referees." "One from the course you are leaving now and one from the course you were on before." "Wasn't that the one that they asked you to leave because you were drunk and you cut a hole in a woman's face?" "There was an incident of a... particular nature." "The nature of which I cannot recall the details of." "Or you could get a reference from me." "Oh, nice one!" "But you won't." "I won't?" "No." "Because I know what you are like." "So if you'll excuse me, I have an appointment at the nail bar." "It's obvious I've got fungal nails." "I'd appreciate it if you stopped staring." "Shall we get crisps?" "Hi, Howard." "So I've been thinking of ways to win round Sabine, but I think I've already made up my mind." "I hate Southampton, I hate my course and, you know" " YOLO!" "Crisps?" "Eh, yeah, YOLO." "You're right." "Fuck it." "Let's have some crisps." "Where are you?" "I'm in the, er, supermarket?" "Who are you talking to?" "'Who are you with?" "' JP." "Hi, JP." "He says hi." "'So what I think is...' shall I just fuckin' do it?" "'Try to come back?" "'" "You know you came up as Howard's phone?" "'Yeah, yeah, mine's out of juice.'" "So, are you into it?" "Honey?" "Mmm." "Well, thanks for the rousing words of encouragement." "This is huge for me, Kingsley." "'I mean, yes or no, do you want me to move back?" "'" "No, sure." "I mean, yeah." "Say the words." "Say," "' "I want you to move back to Manchester." '" "Erm..." "'Fucking hell, Kingsley!" "'" "Do you not care about me at all?" "I do care about you..." "JP." "So you didn't tell me Vod was getting married." "Didn't I?" "!" "I got an invite on Facebook." "I thought I might get a new dress." "And an ironic fascinator." "You aren't thinking of going, are you?" "Eh, yeah!" "Why?" "Do you want to be one of those couples?" "Holding hands in church," "Cath Kidston, Liberal Democrat, GQ magazine... couples." "I'm not sure what you're saying." "Those are quite discordant examples." "I know what you're up to." "I'm not up to anything!" "If you want to get drunk with your friends and you don't want me coming, you can just say that, Kingsley." "Honestly, I understand." "Great." "You're so great." "I've just got to go and make a very, very quick phone call, OK?" "Tell JP you'll run him a bath and read him some Twilight later." "'Hi, this is Josie." "'Sorry, I'm having loads of fun, but you can leave a message!" "'" "I'm so sorry I couldn't talk just now," "JP saw some gentleman's relish that reminded him of his dad and started getting really emotional and clinging on to my leg." "But I do really want you to move back to Manchester." "I've got to go." "I think he's trying to climb into a chest freezer." "So, Kingsley doesn't want me to move back, and Sabine won't let me transfer, and all the other courses are full." "I mean, I don't believe in signs and omens - apart from astrology, obviously - but it does kind of feel like the entire universe is screaming," ""Stay in Southampton and poison mice."" "Mm." "So, Vod, how come you're getting married on a Wednesday?" "Wednesday, wedding day - sound similar." "Makes sense." "Plus, there's no waiting time, cos everyone wants a proper wedding." "Javier thinks it's proper." "Javier gets it." "The UK and Mexican Governments thinks it's proper." "In fact, the only person who doesn't think it's proper is Vod!" "You don't know what goes on between two people in private." "Yeah, I do." "I translated it all." "I know more about your relationship than you do." "You don't even know him." "Oh, my God, can you hear yourself?" "!" "I'm sorry." "I'm not a UN interpreter, I'm your friend." "And as your friend, I'm telling you, you don't love Javier." "You never did." "You just got... bored." "What is your problem?" "You're going to ruin Javier's life." "Melodramatic." "OK, Howard?" "I'm trying to dance as though no-one is watching." "But if no-one was watching, I wouldn't be dancing." "Right, come on." "Oi, Special K, you're meant to be on stag duty." "Juggling two women is supposed to be so great?" "It's exhausting." "It's all admin." "You should try dating one woman at a time..." "like me." "You're not really trying that, though, are you?" "It's not even a tour this time, JP, it's a wedding." "Huh?" "Date central." "It's an international date station - United States of Date!" "I've got to just tell her." "Just say," ""I know your grandad's dying, but we're over."" "Like pulling off a sexy, quirky, but annoying plaster." "Javier's song!" "I might get that costume." "They just love that costume." "I don't think it's the costume, Howard." "I like Kingsley... up to a point." "Great guy, but basically, Jose, fuck Kingsley!" "Who cares what he wants?" "!" "You're right." "And the first thing I'm going to do is fill in that glory hole." "No more sticking his cock through at three in the morning on the off-chance." "Not that he ever did that, but still." "And I'm going to win Sabine around." "Cos I'm charming, I'm more than charming, I'm..." "I'm suave, I'm fucking suave." "You are, fucking suave." "I'm going to invite Sabine to the wedding." "Everyone's in a good mood at weddings." "She'll have to say yes." "Fine by me." "I don't give a shit who comes." "Not all that bothered about the Mexican." "God, you're so selfish." "That is not something you can accuse me of." "Josie, do I ever take the big line?" "She doesn't ever take the big line." "There's more to life than drugs." "Wash your mouth out." "Why don't we all do some flaming Sambucas?" "They look terrifying." "Do you know what?" "I don't even know why we're still friends." "Well, then I won't be missed at the so-called wedding." "I just hope he knows when to say, "I do"." "Come on, Candice, we're going." "Which one of you is Vod?" "Did you book a stripper, Josie?" "It wasn't me, it must've been Oregon." "No, it was me." "Honourable Justice Dong?" "I've been a bad girl." "I expect to go down for a very long time." "Javier..." "Howard." "Javier has been teaching me the North American handshakes." "I feel if I met Jay-Z, there would be no awkwardness." "So, shall we get started?" "Ohhh..." "You may now kiss the bride." "Married!" "All right, mate, ease up." "We did it for the vicar, no need to ladle it on in the pub." "All right, Howard?" "Waiting on the date?" "No." "Not all right." "My saliva glands have ceased to function and my penis, which I hilariously over-optimistically bathed in Dettol, feels like it's on fire." "Now the management have informed me that there isn't a defibrillator on the premises." "Hello, Howard." "Oh, hello, Sabine." "I got an invitation on Facebook." "I think you should stay off Facebook." "It's doing you no favours." "Sabine, so glad you got my invite!" "Since, for some reason, I don't have many friends in Manchester," "I thought I'd come around and... socialise." "Can I get you a drink?" "Thank you, but my presence here doesn't mean that my position has changed." "I think you're very emotionally immature and very messed up, as are your friends." "Vod's eating hummus off a vibrator." "Legend!" "Still, we can have a good chitchat!" "Look, Sabine, I know I fucked up last year" " I can admit that now." "I drank too much and I drilled a hole in a woman's face which, let's face it, in most people's view is wrong." "Mm-hm." "But isn't that why we go to university?" "To grow up?" "You calling me immature is like blaming a baby for being... short." "Please, Sabine." "I want to wear a white coat." "And not just cos I look good in white, though some people say I do." "Because I love medicine." "I think your speech is very incoherent, Josie, but I do see that you're serious, because you don't drink." "And I know that you like to drink." "So yes, I will give you the referee." "Fuck... off!" "Whoo!" "Hi, Sam." "Howard." "Hey." "Where do we put the wedding presents?" "I believe Vod has a strongbox." "That's just genetic good fortune." "Oh!" "Mate, I could find out that she is my secret biological sister," "I would still fuck that something ridiculous." "No, no, no, not tonight." "For tonight, my impersonation of the human male will be impeccable." "Heather's coming." "What, now?" "Yeah, here." "Now." "This is not a drill." "Ouch, mate." "You're up shit creek with Apple Maps." "Fucking hell!" "Nanny McPhee returns." "Yeah, well, when you've read as much Foucault as I have, trying to make the distinction between a real and a counterfeit wedding is frankly the behaviour of a twat." "So, listen." "This is awkward, but I just wanted to check something." "The smell of Dettol..." "I think that's their cleaning product." "Yes, so would it be OK if I ended up having a date with your big, posh friend?" "Cos I just wanted to make sure." "You know, we'd just be mates." "The talk, and everything, but you don't like me?" "Like you?" "Yeah." "I mean, I don't want to shit where you eat." "Or shit on your head." "Shit anywhere, frankly." "Yeah, well..." "I mean, course I like you, but... in the way that you might like a salted cashew, or an angle poise lamp." "But, yeah, you should go on a date with JP." "I mean, he's a massive dick." "I'm kidding!" "Or am I?" "No..." "Yeah." "You go for it." "OK." "Heather!" "Hey." "I can't stay." "No way!" "That's such a shame." "Yeah." "Mum just called." "Grandpops has died." "Oh, shit." "Sorry." "Sorry, er..." "Oh, hi, Heather." "Hi, Josie." "Nice to see you." "Yes." "And you." "Yes." "Are you OK, Kings?" "A bit hot." "Is anyone else a bit hot?" "What are you up to?" "I'm actually on my way to Hong Kong." "Ooh, very nice." "For my grandad's funeral." "Shit, sorry." "So, are you, like, going now, then?" "Yeah." "I'm literally just about to head off now." "Brilliant!" "That you can be there." "For your family." "So... how long are you back in Manchester for?" "Well, actually, um..." "I just found out..." "I'm back for good, doing pharmacology!" "That's good news!" "Isn't that...?" "Isn't that good news?" "Yeah, that is good news!" "We're pleased to hear that." "All of us." "Er..." "Well, good luck in Hong Kong and, um, when you're back, let's all meet up and have a drink, yeah?" "Yeah." "That'd be nice." "Yeah, I'd love that." "Good to see you." "Good to see you." "Why don't I go to the loo and then come and find you outside and then we can say goodbye outside?" "Actually, Kings, there was one other reason I came here." "OK..." "I don't think I can be in a relationship right now." "Oh... that is... so... bloody... typical." "I can't believe you're breaking up with me." "I..." "I can't believe how incredibly bad that feels." "You've been so great and supportive." "And I know it's not been easy for you." "No, it hasn't." "It really, really hasn't." "Bye, Kings." "Bye." "Good evening, everyone." "I'm JP." "I'm the best man - obviously." "I've known Javier for three to four weeks, now." "When he first arrived in our house, people expected that he and I would be like a pair of muscular, sexy stags, locking antlers for the alpha position." "But we've made it work as dual alphas, complementing each other and working as a team." "Put simply, he is a fucking decent chap." "And what can I say about Vod?" "The Vodster." "Funky Vod." "The one that got away!" "Oh, they're a great couple." "They're both incredibly hot, and as we all know, hotties belong together." "To Vod and Javier." "Um, hola." "Um..." "Oregon help me with this speech." "Vod... my wife." "Aaah!" "First, I want to say your friends are amazing." "Oregon, always happy to translate for us." "You're so cool." "And an amazing writer." "Have you had a go on this?" "No." "Kingsley... he buy fair trade tea from my country and he tell everyone." "He a nice guy." "And not boring, like everyone says." "JP... another nice guy." "Very... complementary about how I look." "My face, my hair, my muscles... everything about my body." "He always look at me with a smile in his eyes, always." "I'm just very confident in my sexuality." "Howard!" "I like his stories about Scotland." "Sounds shit!" "Candice..." "I don't know." "Josie..." "Welcome." "I am happiest man in London." "I have interview at Pret's and I have you." "The most important, I have Vod." "She is so cool and she is so hot." "She is so passionate and she is so hot." "Vod, I love you." "I want to be with you for all of my life." "You are my only one." "Aaah!" "I'd like to say a few words too." "I just want to say, isn't it great when out of something really bad comes something really good?" "Something that makes you want to do cartwheels and sing One Day by Elbow, even if you think Elbow are largely overrated." "I guess what I'm saying is, we're young and..." "OK, the gap between rich and poor is getting wider than ever and something needs to be done about that, but we live in a democracy and we're not being held illegally in Guantanamo Bay for over a decade and..." "And I'm just so happy!" "Not just for Vod and Javier, but for Josie, who's moving back to Manchester to study pharmacology." "Josie!" "In fact, let's knock that bedroom wall down, two people, one room." "No more glory hole!" "It's not actually a glory hole." "Whoo-hoo!" "Come on!"