"SORRY, SIR," "BUT THAT ONLY COMES IN BROWN." "OH." "WELL, I THINK THESE WILL BE FINE." "UH, ONE OF THEM IS A LITTLE TIGHT." " THE LEFT ONE." " YES." " IN THE BACK." " THAT'S RIGHT." "HOW DID YOU KNOW?" "YOU FORGOT TO REMOVE THE SHOEHORN." "HOW DO THEY FEEL NOW?" "A LITTLE LOOSE." "I THINK I'D BETTER PUT THAT BACK." "SIR, YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE OVER AN HOUR NOW." "AN HOUR?" "THAT'S FUNNY." "IT SEEMS LIKE ONLY ABOUT 10 MINUTES." "YOU MUST BE GOOD COMPANY." "YOU'VE TRIED ON JUST ABOUT EVERYTHING IN THE STORE." "WHAT'S THAT IN THE BOX OVER THERE ON THE COUNTER?" "MY LUNCH.WOULD YOU LIKE TO TRY THAT ON?" "SIR, LOOK..." "WHY DON'T YOU COME BACK NEXT WEEK?" "WE'RE GETTING A WHOLE NEW SHIPMENT IN THEN." "NO, I THINK THESE WILL BE FINE." "I'LL WEAR THEM HOME." "JUST TAKE MY OLD SHOES AND PUT THEM IN A BOX." "WHAT'S KEEPING YOU?" "I NEED YOUR HELP WITH THIS CODE." "THAT FOOL OUT THERE--S I'VE TRIED EVERYTHING TO GET RID OF HIM." "WELL, HURRY." "KAOS IS PAYING US" "TO SMUGGLE INFORMATION, NOT SELL SHOES." "( telephone ringing )" "YOUR BOX IS RINGING." "( telephone continues ringing )" "IT'S THE SHOE." " A TELEPHONE." " DON'T ANSWER IT." "BUT ALL DAY LONG I'LL WONDER WHO CALLED." "THERE'S ONLY ONE MAN I KNOW OF" "WHO HAS A TELEPHONE CONCEALED IN HIS SHOE." "THAT'S A CONTROL AGENT BY THE NAME OF MAXWELL SMART." "YOU MEAN THAT'S SMART OUT THERE?" " THINK HE'S WISE TO US?" " WHY ELSE IS HE HERE?" "99, I FOUND THEM." "THERE'S ONLY ONE PROBLEM." "THEY ONLY COME IN BROWN." "WELL LOOK, WHY DON'T YOU MEET ME AT MY APARTMENT," "AND WE'LL GO TO DINNER AND THE CONCERT FROM THERE?" "GOOD, OH AND 99," "TELL THE CHIEF I'M STILL LOOKING FOR THE SPY RING." "NO, NOTHING YET." "I JUST HAVE NO IDEA WHERE THEY ARE." "RIGHT." "SEE YOU LATER." "HE MUST KNOW THIS IS OUR HEADQUARTERS," "UNLESS IT'S JUST A CRAZY COINCIDENCE." "WE CAN'T AFFORD TO TAKE ANY CHANCES." "HERE'S YOUR OLD PAIR, SIR." " OH, THANK YOU." " THANK YOU." "AND PLEASE, CALL AGAIN." "COULDN'T GET HIM." "CUSTOMER." "ALL RIGHT, LET ME HAVE IT." "NOW YOU STAY HERE AND DON'T WORRY." "I'LL GET SMART." "( theme music playing )" "HI, CHIEF." "MAX, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?" "SOME GUY TRIED TO RUN ME DOWN IN A CAR." "LUCKILY, I JUMPED ASIDE JUST IN THE NICK OF TIME," " AND LEAPED FOR HIS RUNNING BOARD." " WHAT HAPPENED?" "THEY DON'T MAKE RUNNING BOARDS ANYMORE." "MAX, WHAT HAVE YOU FOUND OUT ABOUT KAOS'S HEADQUARTERS?" "ISN'T THAT TOP SECURITY INFORMATION, CHIEF?" "YES, MAX." "YOU DON'T EXPECT ME TO TALK ABOUT IT" "RIGHT OUT HERE IN THE OPEN LIKE THIS?" "I DEMAND THE CONE OF SILENCE." "MAX, DO WE HAVE TO?" "WELL, WITH VITAL INFORMATION LIKE THIS," "OF COURSE WE HAVE TO, CHIEF." "OKAY, YOU WIN, MAX." "HODGKINS, LOWER THE CONE OF SILENCE." " NOW WHAT DID YOU FIND OUT?" " NOTHING." "HODGKINS, RAISE THE CONE OF SILENCE." "IF YOU HAD NOTHING TO REPORT, WHY DID YOU INSIST ON LOWERING THAT?" "WELL, CHIEF, RULE 13 SAYS THAT IF YOU HAVE" "MAX, WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO LIVE BY THE RULES?" "BECAUSE RULE 27 SAYS" "THAT YOU MUST ALWAYS LIVE BY THE RULES OF THE BOOK." "ALL RIGHT, NEVER MIND." "SOMEDAY I'LL LEARN." "IT'S ALL RIGHT THERE IN THE BOOK, CHIEF." " ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS LOOK." " MAX." "DON'T THINK I HAVEN'T MADE PROGRESS ON THIS CASE." "I'VE BEEN WORKING ON IT DAY AND NIGHT." "AND I'VE CHECKED OUT EVERY SINGLE" " SUSPICIOUS CHARACTER IN THIS CITY." " AND?" "I HAVE EVERYTHING, ALL THE INFORMATION, RIGHT HERE IN MY DIAL-A-FACT." " YOUR WHAT?" " MY DIAL-A-FACT, CHIEF." "IT'S A LITTLE SOMETHING THAT I BUILT IN THE LAB." "IT'S A GREAT THING FOR SECRET AGENTS" " WHO ARE TIRED AND ON THE GO." " HOW DOES IT WORK?" "IT'S REALLY QUITE SIMPLE, CHIEF." "YOU SEE, I JUST DIAL A LETTER FOR THE INFORMATION I WANT." "FOR EXAMPLE, I DIAL "A."" "THERE WE ARE, RIGHT AT MY FINGERTIPS." "NOW "A" IS FOR ASSASSINS." "THIS LISTS ALL THE KAOS ASSASSINS KNOWN ALL OVER THE WORLD." "IT'S VERY INGENIOUS, MAX." "NOW, LET'S TRY "B."" "THERE WE ARE." ""B" IS FOR BIRTHDAYS." "THIS LISTS THE BIRTHDAYS OF SECRET AGENTS ALL OVER THE WORLD." "AND THE BIRTHDAY PRESENTS I SENT THEM." "THAT'S AMAZING, MAX." "YES,"C" IS FOR CODES," "AND "D" IS FOR SECRET-LETTER DROPS AND SO FORTH." "MARVELOUS." "WHAT DOES "E" STAND FOR?" "EVERYTHING." "ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, CHIEF?" "IT'S JUST A SLIGHT HEADACHE, MAX." "OH, ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE, HUH?" "I HAVE JUST THE THING FOR IT." ""H" FOR HEADACHES." "NO, MAX." "NEVER MIND." "JUST SIT DOWN." "AS YOU KNOW, MAX, CONTROL KEEPS A TIGHT SECURITY REIN" "ON THE FRIENDS AND RELATIVES OF ALL OUR AGENTS." "NOW WE'VE RECEIVED A REPORT THAT YOUR AUNT BERTHA AND UNCLE ABNER" "ARE COMING TO TOWN TO SURPRISE YOU." "OH, THAT WILL BE A SURPRISE." "IF THEY FIND OUT THAT YOU ARE A CONTROL AGENT" "AND SPREAD THE WORD," "YOU WILL BE OF ABSOLUTELY NO VALUE TO US ANY LONGER." " CHIEF" " I JUST WANT TO IMPRESS UPON YOU" "THE IMPORTANCE OF KEEPING YOUR OCCUPATION A SECRET FROM YOUR UNCLE AND AUNT." "I'M SORRY, BUT THAT'S THE WAY IT HAS TO BE UNTIL THEY LEAVE TOWN." " NOW WHAT'S YOUR COVER STORY?" " WHICH ONE?" "THE ONE YOU GAVE YOUR UNCLE AND AUNT." "WHAT DID YOU TELL THEM YOU WERE DOING FOR A LIVING?" "OH MY GOSH, CHIEF." "I DON'T REMEMBER." "YOU DON'T REMEMBER?" "WHAT ABOUT THE FILES, CHIEF?" "DON'T WE KEEP A FULL RECORD OF ALL THE COVER STORIES?" "RIGHT." "JUST LET ME GET MY COPY OF THE COVER FILE." "MAX, DO YOU HAVE A MATCH TO MELT THIS SEAL WITH?" " SURE.I'LL DO IT FOR YOU, CHIEF." " THANK YOU." "THERE'S NOTHING IN HERE, CHIEF." "THAT'S RIGHT." "THOSE PAPERS WERE LOST IN THAT FIRE WE HAD" " IN THE FILING ROOM LAST YEAR." " YES, I'D FORGOTTEN ABOUT THAT FIRE." "WE NEVER DID FIND OUT HOW THAT WAS STARTED." "NO WE DIDN'T." "WE SUSPECTED IT WAS SABOTAGE." "I'LL GET IT, CHIEF." "IT WAS PROBABLY KAOS, CHIEF." "THEY ALWAYS HAVE BEEN JEALOUS" "OF OUR NEAT FILING SYSTEM." "THESE THINGS CERTAINLY DO GET STARTED MYSTERIOUSLY, DON'T THEY?" "NOT TOO MYSTERIOUSLY." "DON'T WORRY ABOUT MY COVER STORY, CHIEF." "A LITTLE CLEVER QUESTIONING OF UNCLE ABNER" "AND I'LL GET ALL THE INFORMATION I NEED." "WHAT COUNTEROFFENSIVE DEVICES DO YOU HAVE IN YOUR APARTMENT, MAX?" "WELL, LET'S SEE NOW..." "ROLL-UP RUG, CARGO NET," " DESK DRAWER..." " WHAT'S THAT?" "OH, YOU KNOW THE DESK DRAWER, CHIEF." "PRESS THE BUTTON" "ON THE LAMP, AND THE DRAWER COMES OUT AND HITS YOU IN THE STOMACH." "OH YES." "WHAT ELSE?" " UH, SELTZER BOTTLE." " BEFORE YOUR AUNT AND UNCLE ARRIVE," "BE SURE YOU DEACTIVATE THEM SO AS NOT TO AROUSE THEIR SUSPICION." "HERE ARE SOME LEADS ON KAOS HEADQUARTERS THAT I GOT FROM 99." " BE SURE AND MEMORIZE THEM AND DESTROY THEM." " RIGHT, CHIEF." "MAX..." "I'M BEING CAREFUL, CHIEF." "MAX!" "I'LL GET IT, CHIEF." "( whistling )" "ONE OF THESE DAYS I'VE GOT TO GET THAT CLOSET CLEANED OUT." "OKAY, NOW IT'S MY TURN." "ON SECOND THOUGHT I THINK I'LL SKIP MY TURN." "SMART, KAOS WANTS YOU DESTROYED." "OOF." "( knocks on door )" "WHO IS IT?" "Woman:" "SURPRISE..." "AUNT BERTHA." "Man:" "AND UNCLE ABNER." "UH, I'LL BE WITH YOU IN A MINUTE," "AS SOON AS I GET OUT OF THE RUG." " Bertha:" "THE WHAT?" " EH, THE TUB." "Bertha:" "BE SURE TO DRY YOUR HAIR." "HOLD IT." "ALL RIGHT." "SIT DOWN." "DOWN." "I'M GOING TO HAVE THIS GUN IN MY POCKET AT ALL TIMES," "SO YOU'LL BE COMPLETELY COVERED." "AS FAR AS MY AUNT AND UNCLE ARE CONCERNED," "YOU AND I ARE OLD ARMY BUDDIES." "HAVE YOU GOT THAT?" "YEAH, WE FLEW TOGETHER IN THE LUFTWAFFE." "RIGHT." "NO, THAT'S THE WRONG SIDE." "AUNT BERTHA, UNCLE ABNER, WHAT A WONDERFUL SURPRISE." "DIDN'T I TELL YOU HE'D BE SURPRISED?" "UH, WHAT BRINGS YOU TO TOWN?" "WHAT BRINGS US TO TOWN?" "TELL HIM, ABNER." "NICE PLACE YOU'VE GOT HERE, MAX." "WHO'S THAT, A FRIEND OF YOURS?" "EH, YES, THIS IS ONE OF MY OLD ARMY BUDDIES, UNCLE ABNER," "ONE OF MY DEAREST FRIENDS," " IRVING." " VICTOR." " VICTOR IRVING." " HOW DO YOU DO?" " HOW WAS YOUR TRIP?" " OUR TRIP?" "OH, TELL HIM, ABNER." "GOOD-LOOKING DESK YOU'VE GOT HERE, MAX." "HOW DO YOU TURN ON THE LAMP?" "UH, JUST PRESS THAT BUTTON." "OH." "DON'T PRESS THAT BUTTON." "WHAT'S WRONG WITH PRESSING A LITTLE BUTTON?" "WHAT WAS THAT?" "JUST A LITTLE DEVICE FOR BUSY EXECUTIVES." "IT HARDENS THE STOMACH MUSCLES." "WHAT WON'T THEY THINK OF NEXT?" "ANYBODY WANT A DRINK?" "WHAT'S THAT FOR?" "THE HEAD MUSCLES?" "WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING NOW, MAXWELL?" "I THINK HE DESIGNS AMUSEMENT PARKS." "WHAT DO YOU DO, MAX?" "OH, UH, SAME OLD THING." "OF COURSE, I WAS PROMOTED SINCE I SAW YOU LAST." "PROMOTED TO WHAT?" "EH, WHAT WAS I BEFORE?" " BEFORE WHAT?" " BEFORE I WAS PROMOTED." "YOU WEREN'T THE PRESIDENT OF THE COMPANY." "WELL, I'M NOT THE VICE PRESIDENT." "I DON'T THINK I UNDERSTAND." "IT'S A COMPLICATED BUSINESS." " VERY MUCH LIKE YOURS, WOULDN'T YOU SAY?" " VERY." "EH, WHAT IS YOUR BUSINESS, UNCLE ABNER?" "I'M RETIRED." "I SUPPOSE YOU PEOPLE ARE VERY TIRED AND WANT TO UNPACK." " WHERE ARE YOU STAYING?" " WE DON'T KNOW YET." "OH, MAX WOULDN'T PERMIT YOU TO STAY" "ANYPLACE BUT HERE." "HE'D BE VERY INSULTED." "THANK YOU, MAXWELL." "DIDN'T I TELL YOU, ABNER?" "( knocks on door )" "SOMEBODY'S AT THE DOOR." "I'LL ANSWER IT." " DON'T ANYBODY MOVE." " WHY NOT?" "EH, IT'S JUST THAT YOU MAKE SUCH A NICE FAMILY PICTURE." " HELLO, MAX." " SHH." "I'VE GOT A KAOS SPY ON MY HANDS." "MY AUNT AND UNCLE ARE HERE AND I'VE GOT TO COVER MY IDENTITY." "I'LL WAIT OUT HERE." "YOU LET HIM OUT AND I'LL ARREST HIM." " RIGHT." " RIGHT." " WHO WAS THAT, MAXWELL?" " JUST THE MAID, AUNT BERTHA." "I TOLD HER I WOULDN'T NEED HER TODAY." "THE PLACE IS A MESS." "I'LL CALL HER BACK." "AUNT BERTHA, WAIT." "WAIT A MINUTE." "OHH." "YOU'RE THE MAID?" "UH, THE MAID?" "YES, I'M THE MAID." "I WAS JUST DUSTING THE CRACK UNDER THE DOOR." "BOY, WHAT YOU MUST GET AN HOUR." "YOU SEE, I WAS JUST ON MY WAY TO A PARTY," "AND I THOUGHT I'D STOP BY AND ASK MR. SMART" "IF I COULD SKIP HIS APARTMENT TODAY." "THAT'S RIGHT, AUNT BERTHA, AND I TOLD HER IT WAS OKAY." "AS A MATTER OF FACT, WHY DON'T YOU" "TAKE MY FRIEND VICTOR ALONG WITH YOU?" " GOOD IDEA!" " NO NO, I CAN'T GO." " WHAT WOULD MY WIFE SAY?" " SHE CAN COME WITH US." " SHE'S IN THE HOSPITAL HAVING A BABY." " TAKE THEM BOTH ALONG." "Bertha:" "THERE WILL BE NO PARTIES." "IF YOU'RE PAID TO CLEAN, YOU'LL CLEAN." "OH, I CAN'T DO THAT." " YOU CAN'T?" " NO." "I'M GOING TO GO RIGHT DOWN TO THE MANAGER AND HAVE YOU FIRED." "NOW YOU WOULDN'T DO THAT?" "UH, YES, I'M AFRAID SHE WOULD." "UH, IT'S ALL RIGHT, I'M SURE SHE'D BE GLAD TO CLEAN." "( whispering ) WE'VE GOT TO STALL" " TILL WE GET VICTOR OUT OF HERE." " ALL RIGHT." "MAXWELL, WHERE DO YOU KEEP YOUR CLEANING THINGS?" "UH, UPSTAIRS IN THE UTILITY ROOM, AUNT BERTHA." "COME ALONG, HERE." "THE VERY IDEA OF THINKING ABOUT" "GOING TO A PARTY UNTIL YOU'VE FINISHED YOUR CLEANING." "YOU'LL NOT LEAVE THIS APARTMENT UNTIL IT'S SPICK-AND-SPAN." "EXCUSE ME, I'M GOING IN THE KITCHEN AND GET A GLASS OF WATER." "I'LL GO WITH YOU." "I'M A LITTLE THIRSTY MYSELF." "NO, STAY HERE AND CHAT WITH YOUR UNCLE." "I'LL BRING YOU A GLASS OF WATER." "NO, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT KIND OF WATER I LIKE." "I MEAN, YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE THE FAUCET IS." "IN MOST APARTMENTS IT'S OVER THE SINK." "AROUND HERE I WOULDN'T BET ON IT." "I'LL STAY AND CHAT WITH YOUR UNCLE." "YOU BRING ME A GLASS OF WATER." "I PROPOSE WE BOTH GO TO THE KITCHEN." "THERE'S SOMETHING I'D LIKE TO DISCUSS WITH YOU." "EXCUSE US, UNCLE ABNER." "COME ON, COME ON, HURRY UP." "WE'VE GOT LOTS TO DO." "FIRST WE'LL START WITH THE WINDOW RIGHT OVER HERE." "AND THEN WE'RE GOING TO DO THE FLOORS." "NOW THE ONLY WAY TO DO THE FLOORS IS ON YOUR HANDS AND KNEES." "ALL RIGHT, PUT DOWN THE BUCKET." "COME ON, SIT DOWN HERE." "THAT'S IT." "NOW THIS IS THE ONLY WAY TO DO THE WINDOWS." "BERTHA, COME HERE A MINUTE." "THIS IS CERTAINLY A PECULIAR APARTMENT." "YES, AND MAXWELL'S ACTING VERY STRANGELY." "DID YOU NOTICE HE NEVER TAKES HIS HAND OUT OF HIS POCKET?" "I WONDER IF HE HURT HIMSELF." "POOR THING..." "UH, UNCLE ABNER, WHY DON'T YOU AND AUNT BERTHA" "TAKE YOUR THINGS AND GO ON UPSTAIRS?" "WHY NOT?" "WE'VE BEEN ON ALL THE RIDES DOWN HERE." "MAX, SHALL I TAKE HIM IN?" "GOOD IDEA, 99." "AUNT BERTHA, THE MAID'S THROUGH WITH THE WINDOW." " NO." " GOOD." "YOU'VE FINISHED." " LISTEN, I'VE REALLY" " UPSTAIRS NEXT." "ALL RIGHT, VICTOR, LET'S GO, MOVE OUT, COME ON." "I'M CALLING CONTROL AND HAVING YOU TAKEN IN," "SO YOU MIGHT AS WELL TELL ME WHERE YOUR HEADQUARTERS IS RIGHT NOW." "OH, SO YOU DON'T KNOW." "MAX, CAN I MOVE YOUR CLOTHES FROM ONE SIDE OF THE CLOSET TO THE OTHER?" "GO RIGHT AHEAD, UNCLE ABNER." "THANK YOU." "EH, UNCLE ABNER, AREN'T YOU GOING TO ASK ABOUT THIS?" "ALL RIGHT, HOLD IT." "ALL RIGHT, VICTOR." "YOU AND I ARE GOING DOWNTOWN." "GET YOUR HANDS UP AND DON'T MOVE." "THE LITTLE GAME IS OVER." "Bertha:" "DON'T YOU ARGUE WITH ME." "THE GAME IS ON AGAIN." "PUT YOUR HANDS DOWN AND DON'T MOVE." "FIRST YOU'LL MOP THE FLOOR." "THEN I WANT TWO COATS OF WAX." " NO!" " WHAT?" "UH, ONE COAT OF WAX WILL BE FINE, AUNT BERTHA." "MAXWELL, WHERE DO YOU KEEP YOUR TOWELS?" "UPSTAIRS IN THE LINEN CLOSET, AUNT BERTHA." " OH, WHAT'S THIS?" " UH" " OOH." " BYE,EVERYBODY." "( phone ringing )" "MAX, YOUR SHOE IS RINGING." "TAKE A MESSAGE, UNCLE ABNER." " SOMETHING TERRIBLE IS HAPPENING." " ( ringing continues )" "I KNOW." "HE MUST BE MIXED UP IN SOMETHING BAD." " HE'S EITHER A BOOKMAKER OR A GAMBLER." " OR A MUSICIAN." " WE'D BETTER FOLLOW HIM." " OH, DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD?" "WE OWE IT TO THE FAMILY, AFTER ALL, HE IS YOUR SISTER'S SON." "MY SISTER'S SON?" "I THOUGHT HE WAS YOUR SISTER'S SON." "I DON'T THINK SO." "I HOPE NOT." "I DON'T CARE ABOUT AUNT BERTHA AND UNCLE ABNER." "ALL I KNOW IS THAT KAOS IS NOT GOING TO APPRECIATE THE FACT" "THAT YOU BUNGLED THE OPPORTUNITY TO KILL SMART." "SMART POSES NO THREAT TO US." "HE'S SO BUSY COVERING UP FROM HIS AUNT AND UNCLE" "HE DOESN'T HAVE TIME TO FIND OUR HEADQUARTERS." " MAXWELL." " AUNT BERTHA, UNCLE ABNER, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?" "WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL US YOU WORKED IN A SHOE STORE?" "EH, I THOUGHT YOU KNEW." "NOW I'M HERE, I MIGHT AS WELL GET A PAIR OF SHOES." "I KNOW A GREAT SHOE STORE." "COME ON." " WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH THIS ONE?" " WE CAN'T FIT YOU HERE." "BUT YOU DON'T KNOW HIS SIZE." "EXACTLY WHY WE CAN'T FIT YOU." "COME ON." "MAX, DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T WANT TO WAIT ON ME?" "( whispering ) PLEASE BE SEATED." "NOW EXACTLY WHAT DID YOU HAVE IN MIND?" "BLACK OXFORD, 9C." "BLACK OXFORD, 9C." "I'LL SEE IF WE HAVE ANY." "HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT?" "HE REALLY WORKS HERE." "YES, AND IT'S A VERY NICE STORE." "IT CERTAINLY IS." "WHY ARE WE WHISPERING?" "( footsteps approaching )" "WHAT'S WRONG?" "NOTHING." "WHY?" "OKAY, HERE IT IS." "LET'S GO." "DON'T I GET A CHANCE TO TRY IT ON?" "I TRIED IT ON." "IT FITS PERFECTLY." " DOESN'T HE GET TWO SHOES?" " TWO SHOES?" "YES, HE HATES TO HOP." "( smacks )" "IS THAT YOU, HERMAN?" " THAT'S FUNNY." " WHAT IS IT?" "THERE'S SOMETHING STRANGE GOING ON HERE." "THAT'S THE SECOND TIME THIS HAS HAPPENED." "COME ON." "VICTOR." "UH, AUNT BERTHA, UNCLE ABNER." "WE DIDN'T KNOW YOU WORKED IN THIS STORE TOO." "TOO?" "YES, MAXWELL NEVER TOLD US THAT YOU BOTH" " WORKED IN THE SAME STORE." " WHERE IS MAX?" "HE'S IN THE BACKROOM GETTING ME MY OTHER" "HELLO, CHIEF?" "MAX, LISTEN" "ALL RIGHT, SMART." "EXCUSE ME, CHIEF." "I'LL HAVE TO CALL YOU BACK LATER." "HOLD IT, HOLD IT." "THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE." "LET'S SEE, THAT WAS 9C WASN'T IT?" "THEY MUST HAVE A BIG CALL FOR 9C." "( gasps )" " 9C." " Abner:" "MAX..." "IF IT WILL MAKE IT ANY EASIER FOR YOU, I'LL TAKE AN 8D." "RIGHT." "HELLO, CHIEF?" "THIS IS MAX." "THEIR HEADQUARTERS IS IN LARSEN'S SHOE STORE." "RIGHT, CHIEF." "THE INFORMATION WAS WRITTEN IN CODE ON THE INSIDE OF THE SHOES." "AS A MATTER OF FACT, WHEN MY UNCLE ABNER LEAVES THE STORE," "HE WILL BE WEARING THE PLANS OF A DEADLY SEA-TO-AIR MISSILE." "RIGHT, CHIEF." "SORRY ABOUT THIS, FELLAS." "HERE YOU ARE, UNCLE ABNER." "9Cs, BLACK OXFORDS." "MAXWELL, WHAT WENT ON BACK THERE?" "OH, NOTHING, AUNT BERTHA." "JUST A LITTLE DISCREPANCY OVER SALARY." "ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, MAXWELL?" "ALL IN A DAY'S WORK, AUNT BERTHA." "MAX, TAKE YOUR UNCLE'S ADVICE" "GET OUT OF THE SHOE BUSINESS BEFORE IT KILLS YOU." "Bertha:" "I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE IT." "I TOLD YOU HE WAS ACTING FUNNY." "WHAT'S THE POOR THING GOING TO DO FOR A LIVING NOW?" "WHERE WILL HE EVER GET ANOTHER JOB?" "OH, KNOWING MAXWELL, HE'LL FIND" "SOME OTHER SHOE STORE FULL OF ENEMY SPIES." "ABNER, I'VE GOT A WONDERFUL IDEA." "WHY DON'T YOU TAKE HIM INTO BUSINESS WITH YOU?" "RECOMMEND HIM TO A FRIEND?" "I KNOW, WHY DON'T YOU BUY THE SHOE STORE?" "IT WOULD PROBABLY BE A STEAL." "THAT'S NOT A BAD IDEA." "AND MAXWELL CAN RUN IT FOR YOU." "THAT'S NOT A GOOD IDEA." "MORNING, AUNT BERTHA, UNCLE ABNER." "Bertha:" "GOOD MORNING, MAXWELL." "YOUR UNCLE AND I ARE SO CONCERNED ABOUT YOUR FUTURE." "DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME, AUNT BERTHA." "I CAN TAKE CARE OF MYSELF." "BUT MAXWELL, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?" "OH." "WELL, UH..." "I SOLD SHOES BEFORE." "NOW I'LL SELL SOMETHING ELSE." "A GOOD SALESMAN CAN SELL ANYTHING." "I COULD SELL SUITS," "OR I COULD SELL LAMPS," "OR PAINTINGS." "WHY, I COULD EVEN SELL COUCHES." "Bertha:" "OHH." "HELP!" "OHH.ABNER, GET ME OUT OF HERE." "WHY?" "WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?" "GO ON A FERRIS WHEEL?" "( theme music playing )"