"Last orders, please." " Shaun." " Yeah?" " Do you see what I'm saying?" " Yeah, totally." "I know he's your best friend but you do live with him." "I know..." "It's not that I don't like Ed." "Ed, it's not that I don't like you." "It's all right." " It'd just be nice if we could..." " Fuck." "...spend a bit more time together." " Bollocks." " Just the two of us." " Cock it." "With Ed here, it's no wonder I always bring my flatmates out and that only exacerbates things." " What do you mean?" " You guys hardly get on, do you?" "No, what does "exacerbate" mean?" "It means to make things worse." "Right, right." "Well, I mean, it's not that I don't like David and Di, you know." " Guys, it's not that I don't like you." " It's all right." "And I do want to spend time with you." "It's just Ed doesn't have too many friends." "Can I get any of you cunts a drink?" "Anybody?" "No, thank you." "I know... friends are important to Shaun but you must set some quality time aside for yourselves." "Daffs is always taking me to see these listed buildings and I'm always dragging him to the theatre." " I'm not so hot on theatre." " How about a meal?" " It's your anniversary soon." " It was last week." " Did you do anything special?" " We came here." "Shaun." "Hog lumps." "Shaun, what I'm trying to say is I need something more, more than spending every night in the Winchester." "I want to do more interesting stuff." "I want you to want to want to do it." "Listen to me." "I'm beginning to sound like your mum." " Not that I'd know." " You haven't met his mum?" " Not yet." " Don't you get along with your mum?" " It's not her..." " Are you ashamed by your mum, Shaun?" " No, I love my mum." " I love his mum." " # She's like butter #" " Ed!" " Shaun!" " Liz." "I understand what you're trying to say and I agree." "We should get out there." "We'll start tomorrow." "I'll book a restaurant." "The place that does all the fish." "Just the two of us." "Things will change." "I promise." "Really, Shaun?" "Time, gentlemen." " # This town is coming like a ghost town #" " Shaun?" "'Player two has entered the game.'" "Haven't you got work?" "'Player two has left the game.'" "The front door was open again last night." " I'm not saying it was you." " I know, man." " I'm saying it was Ed." " Right." "I can't live like this." "Look at the state of it." "We're not students any more." " Pete..." " He brings no money into the house." " He brings a bit." " What?" "Dealing drugs?" "He sells a bit of weed now and again." "You've sold puff." "Yeah, once." "At college." "To you." "I've known him since primary school." "I like having him around, he's a laugh." "Because he can impersonate an orang-utan?" " Fuck-a-doodle-doo." " Leave him alone." "I admit, he can be pretty funny on occasion." "Like that time we stayed up all night drinking apple schnapps and playing Tekken 2." " When was that?" " Five years ago." "When's he going home?" "Hey, man, listen..." "Top left." " Uh-huh." " I was gonna say..." "Reload." " I'm on it." " Erm, since..." "Nice shot!" "Thanks." "Two seconds." " All right, Noodle?" " 'Got anything?" "'" " No, man." " 'Eball says you was holding.'" " I ain't got nothing." " 'Nothing at all?" "'" "I've only got an 'enry meself." "All right, laters." " Listen..." " Ed... since you're not working at the moment could you please clean up a bit?" "And if you play the answer machine, can you take down everyone's messages?" " Yep." " It's not that taxing, is it?" "Writing something on a scrap of paper?" " Nope." " Right." "Dom, hi..." "Come on, it was pretty funny." " Will you do what he said?" " I ain't doing nothing for him." "Do it for me, then." "I'm sorry, Shaun." " It's all right." " No, no." "I'm sorry, Shaun." "Oh!" "Oh, my God, that's rotten." " I'll stop doing 'em when you stop laughing." " I am not laughing." " Get that." " You get it." "'Shaun, it's me." "I'm gonna be a bit tied up today 'so can you book the table for eight rather than seven?" "'I'll try you at work." "Bye, bye.'" "Hey!" "You're dead." " Spare some change, please, mister?" " Yeah." "Watch out." "Are you blind?" "'The American deep space probe Omega 6 'unexpectedly re-entered Earth's atmosphere over England 'and broke apart over... '" "Nelson?" "Nelson?" "Hello, my friend." "No beer today?" "No, it's a bit early for me." "Gather round, everyone." "Gather round, please." "Gather round." "As well as Mr Sloman being off today" "I'm afraid Ash is feeling a little bit under the weather, so I will be taking charge as the..." " Oldest." " Senior staff member." "So if we can all pull together..." " Hello?" "Hello, mate." " Noel?" "I was totally munted last night." "Yeah, I spoke to him." "He's only got Henry." "All right, mate." "Laters." " Continue." " Thank you." "Erm, as Mr Sloman always says, there's no I in team but there is an I in pie." "In..." "There's an I in meat pie." "The anagram of meat is team..." "I don't know what he's talking about." "Phones off." "It's not a social gathering." " All right, keep your hair on, grandad." " Hey!" "I'm 29 for Christ's sakes." " How old are you?" "20?" "21?" " 17." "Hey, well..." "I know you don't wanna be here forever." "I got things I wanna do with my life." "When?" "You got red on you." "Hello, mate." "This one comes with a basic digital package." "You've got your lifestyle channels there, a bit of Trisha." "Er, you've got entertainment." "I don't know what that is." "News." "All the basic, er... news..." " channels." " 'Bizarre events... '" "'Coming after me... '" " Shaun." " I'm with customers." "It's your dad." "He's not my dad, he's my stepdad." "Philip." "Shaun." "You haven't forgotten about tomorrow?" " No." " Your bimonthly visit." "No, I haven't forgotten." "You could bring the flowers you forgot on Mother's Day." "I was gonna." "And not a cheap posy from a garage forecourt." "I wasn't gonna." "Well, we look forward to seeing you tomorrow." "OK." "You've got red on you." " I thought it wasn't a social gathering?" " What?" "How comes you're allowed to speak to your dad?" "A, he's not my dad, OK?" "He's my stepdad." "And B, it was an emergency." "What, like buying your mum some flowers?" "Noel, I do not find it difficult to keep my work and my social life separate." "Shaun, it's Liz for you." " Hello." " 'Hello, it's me.'" " Hello." " 'Did you get my message?" "'" " Yep." " 'So it's all OK, then?" "'" " Yep." " 'Eight at the place with all the fish?" "'Cool, that's great." "Just ring me later.'" " Goodbye, Liz." " 'Bye." "Bye, bye, bye.'" "Liz from Head Office." "It's nothing to panic about." "Sir?" "Sir?" "Sorry." "Erm, they're for my mum." "Mum. "To a wonderful Mum" or "Supermum"?" " Er... the first one." " Right." "'..." "London seems to have gone completely bonkers... '" " Oh, my God!" "Shaun!" " Yvonne." "Oooh!" "How are you doing?" " Surviving." " Are you living round here?" " Yeah, are you?" " Yeah, I just bought a place." " Bought?" " I know, bit grown-up, eh?" " Are you still with...?" " Liz." "That's great." "Glad somebody made it." "How long's that been now?" " Er, it's three years ago last week." " Did you do anything special?" " We're going out for a meal tonight." " Anywhere nice?" "Yeah..." "Come on!" " Are you gonna thank me, then?" " For what?" "Tidying up." " It doesn't look tidy." " I had a few beers when I finished." "'Hello, Fulci's." "Can you hold, please?" "'" " Do you want your messages?" " What?" "Your mum rang about tomorrow night." "Liz rang about the two of you eating out tonight." "Then your mum rang back to see if I wanted to eat her out tonight." " 'Hello, Fulci's.'" " Hi, I know it's short notice but could you possibly do me a table for two for tonight at about eight?" "'Sorry, we just gave away the last table.'" "Wasn't true about your mum." "Where are we gonna go?" " The Winchester." " Don't be stupid!" "They don't do food." " There's a Breville out back." " Ed, this is serious!" "Hello." " 'Hello, it's me.'" " Hello." "'What's the plan, then?" "'" "Erm, there's been a bit of a..." "a mix-up with the table, babe." " 'What do you mean?" "'" " They're full up." "'But..." "I thought you said it was all OK?" "'" "Yeah." "'You didn't book it, did you, Shaun?" "'" " No." " 'So... what is the plan, then?" "'" "The Winchester?" " 'Hello?" "'" " Dianne, can you let me in?" " 'I'm not sure, Shaun.'" " Oh, come on." "'Lizzie doesn't want to see you.'" " Just open the door!" " 'She doesn't want to see you.'" "Do you want me to climb up the wall, come through the window?" "Because I will." "'You're not coming in.'" " OK, see you in a minute." " 'Don't... '" "'Hi, it's me again.'" "Can we just talk about this?" "Let's go out." " To the Winchester?" " Do you want to?" " No, I don't fucking want to!" " OK." "It's not the only place in the world." "We'll go to the Shepherd's, they do Thai in there." " I'm going out with David and Di." " Let's go together." "You hang out with my friends?" ""A failed actress and a twat"?" "That's harsh." "I did not call Dianne a failed actress." "Let's just go somewhere and have a laugh." "Things'll be fine, I promise." "You promised you'd stop smoking." "You promised you'd try drinking red wine instead of beer!" " You promised we'd go on holiday." " We went to Greece!" " We met in Greece." " At a rave." "It's not the same." "You promised things would change." " You promised us free cable." " I'm working on that." "I can give up smoking whenever I want." "See, don't need them." "W" " What was the next one?" "It's not enough, Shaun." "'We appear to have a breakdown in communication there." "'Lf you or someone you know may... '" "I'd say your nine lives were up, Shaun." "Get fucked, four-eyes!" "You go out with her, you love her so much." "What do you mean by that?" "'... the devastation really is extensive." "It's a total mess.'" "I don't know what he meant by that." "Got you these." " "To a wonderful mum"?" " Oooh!" "Yeah, that's because..." "I thought it would be funny because of what you said last night about you don't want to be my mum and that." "It's just a little joke, just sort of spur of the moment." " They're for your mum, aren't they?" " Yeah." "Smooth." "If I don't do something, I'll end up in that pub for the rest of my life like those other sad old fuckers wondering what the hell happened." "What do you mean do something?" "Fuck her." "You got your pint." "You got your pig snacks." "What more do you want?" "Oh." "You want your favourite monkey?" "Shall I do Clyde?" "See, I knew you'd get over her." "# If you leave me now... #" "Who the hell put this on?" "It's on random." "For fuck's sake." "John, yes please, mate." "You know what we should do tomorrow?" "Keep drinking." "A Bloody Mary first thing, a bite at the King's Head, couple at The Little Princess, stagger back here and bang..." "back at the bar for shots." "How's that for a slice of fried gold?" " No." " Come on, man." "Talk to me." "She said if she stayed with me she'd end up in here for the rest of her life like these sad old fuckers wondering what the hell happened." "That is harsh." " These are rich, interesting characters." " Like who?" "Snakehips." "Always surrounded by women." "He's a bigamist." "Strangled his first wife with a draught excluder." "And invented the mobile disco." "What about her, then?" "Ooh!" "Cockacidal maniac." "She's an ex-porn star." "They say she starred in the world's first interracial hardcore loop." "Cafe Au Lait..." "Pour Vous." "Yeah." "What about John, then?" "He's North London Mafia." "It's true, Big Al says so." "Yeah, Big Al also says dogs can't look up." "Think about it." "Handy with a blade." "Gruff demeanour." "Bernie, the trophy wife." "He's connected." "Why is there a rifle above the bar?" " The pub's called the Winchester." " Exactly." "See, you don't need Liz to have a good time." " Don't, man." " No." "Oi, look at me." "Can I just say one thing?" "I'm not gonna say there's plenty more fish in the sea," "I'm not gonna say if you love her let her go and I'm not gonna bombard you with clichés but what I will say is this... it's not the end of the world." "Sorry, we're closed." "Pisshead." "# Ooh, white lines" "# Visions, dreams of passion" "# Going through my mind" "# And all the while I think of you..." "Oh?" "What's the matter, love, haven't you had your tea?" "# Something of a phenomenon telling my body to come along" "# Cos white lines" "# Blow away..." " Shh!" "Blow!" "# Ah, get higher, baby" "# Ah, get higher, baby, ah, get higher, girl" "# Ah... #" "What?" "He should say base." "Or freeze." "What a tit." "# You wanna dance?" "#" "Don't scratch it!" "Wait..." " That was the second album I ever bought!" " It's four in the fucking morning!" " It's Saturday!" " No, it's not." "It's fucking Sunday and I've got to go to fucking work in four fucking hours because every other fucker is fucking ill!" "Now can you see why I'm so fucking angry?" " Fuck, yeah!" " Hey!" "Pete, look," "I'm sorry, we had a couple of drinks, we split up with Liz tonight." "Just keep it down, yeah?" "Prick." "What was that?" "Nothing." " Stop it, we're friends!" " He's not my friend." "He's a fucking idiot." " What's that supposed to mean?" " It means why don't you fuck off!" "You wanna live like an animal, live in the shed, you thick fuck!" " Leave him alone!" " Stop defending him." "All he ever does is hold you back." "Or is it easier having someone around who's more of a loser than you?" " What's that supposed to mean?" " You know what I mean." "I assume it was Liz who did the dumping?" "Sort your fucking life out, mate." "What's up with your hand, man?" " I got mugged on the way home from work." " By who?" " Some crackheads." "One of them bit me." " Why?" "I don't know, I didn't stop to ask them!" "I've got a splitting headache and your stupid hip hop isn't helping." "And the front door is open." "Again!" "It's not hip hop, it's electro." "Prick." "Next time I see him, he's dead." "'Shaun, it's me." "I'm gonna be a bit tied up today 'so can you book the table for eight rather than seven?" "'I'll try you at work." "Bye, bye.'" "'Hello, pickle." "It's me, Mum." "'Dad mentioned you might be visiting tomorrow which would be lovely." "'Will you be bringing Elizabeth with you this time?" "'Only we can't wait to meet her finally 'and also I was wondering if she wanted anything special for lunch?" "'Cos these days a lot of people don't eat meat.'" "Do you want anything from the shop?" "Cornetto." "Nelson, have you got any papers?" "Nelson?" "I haven't even..." "I owe you about 15p." "Oh dear." "Sorry, I haven't got any change." "I didn't even have enough at the fucking shop." "Oh dear." "'... no official comment but religious groups are calling it Judgement Day." "There's... ' #... panic on the streets of London... #" " '... number of reports of... ' - '... serious attacks on... '" " '... people who are being... ' - '... eaten alive.'" "'Witness reports are sketchy." "One unifying detail seems to be 'that the attackers appear to be... ' '... the sensational chart-topping... ' '... or ideological connection between those committing the atrocities... '" "There's a girl in the garden." " '... emergency services... '" " What?" "In the garden, there is a girl." "'... the armed forces will be called in to provide backup and assistance." "'Scientists are still trying to establish the nature of the phenomenon 'and are unsure as to the... '" "Excuse me." "Excuse me." "Hello." " What are you doing?" " Oi!" "Oh, my God." "She's so drunk." "How much have you had, love?" " Oh!" "I think she likes you." " Shut up." " She wants a cuddle!" " I've just come out of a relationship." " Ed, do something!" " Wait there." " Ed!" " Two seconds." "I'm really flattered and everything but..." "And, hold it there." "Ed!" "Just get her off me." "Jesus!" " What's up with her eyes?" " Now, seriously..." "Mary, I'm warning you, I'll have to get physical, I mean it!" "This is it..." "Look, just fuck off!" " I think we should go back inside." " OK." " Shaun, what's going on?" " Shit, it's engaged." " How about an ambulance?" " It's engaged, Ed." " Fire engine?" " It's one number and it's busy!" " And what do you want a fire engine for?" " Anything with flashing lights." "Are they still out there?" "Yeah." "What do you think we should do?" "Have a sit-down?" "'There are reports of chaos on the motorways 'as thousands of people attempt to flee the cities." "'The M1, the M3, M4, M6... '" " Do you think this is the same thing?" " '... are all at a standstill." "'The Home Office is urging people to stay in their homes and await further instruction.'" "'Ensure all residences are secure 'with all doors and windows firmly locked and barricaded." "Police... '" " For God's sake!" "He's got an arm off!" " Get him!" "'More reports just in confirm that in all cases the attackers seem slow and shambolic... '" "I'm gonna shut the front door." "'... regarding the best way to neutralise the attackers." "'Ln the meantime, contact with these assailants is highly inadvisable.'" " Did you see his head go?" " 'Lf you're confronted... '" " We should get out there." " No, we should stay inside." " We can take 'em." " The man said to stay indoors." " Fuck the man." " In here, we're safe." "'... the attackers can be stopped by removing the head or destroying the brain." "'I'll repeat that, by removing the head or destroying the brain.'" "Hey!" "Aim for the head." " Now what?" " Get more stuff." " What's in the shed?" " Dunno, it's locked." " Why is it locked?" " It's always been locked." "No!" "That's the second album I ever bought!" "Some of these are limited..." "Ah!" "What was that?" " Blue Monday." " That was an original pressing." "For fuck's sake." " Erm..." "Purple Rain?" " No." " Sign O' The Times?" " Definitely not." " The Batman soundtrack?" " Throw it." " Dire Straits?" " Throw it." " Er..." "Ooh, Stone Roses?" " No." " Second Coming?" " I like it." "Ah!" "Sade?" " That's Liz's." " She dumped you." " I'm going to the shed." " You said it was locked." " Which one do you want?" "Girl or bloke?" " Er... the first one." "'People receiving bites have experienced headaches and nausea 'and developed symptoms... '" "You've got red on you." "'Lf you know someone who has been bitten 'it is absolutely essential that you isolate them immediately." "'The public are being strongly advised not to approach anyone... '" "Pete?" "Pete?" " Why don't we just go up?" " Don't go up there!" " Why not?" " Because A, he might be one of them and B, he might still be annoyed." "Pete?" "Maybe he went into work." "How come he didn't drive?" "His keys are still here." "Maybe he got a lift." "He said he wasn't feeling well." "Pete?" "Oi, prick!" "He's not in." " You got a fag?" " No, I've given up." " Since when?" " Since..." "Come on, babe." "Oh, she's engaged." " That was quick." " Ed, this is serious." "Liz!" " 'Shaun.'" " Mum!" "I was gonna call you." "Are you OK?" " 'Yes.'" " Are you sure?" "'Some men tried to get into the house.'" " Are they still there?" " 'I'm not sure." "We shut the curtains.'" " Did you try the police?" " 'Well, I thought about it.'" " Are you OK?" "Did they hurt you?" " 'No, I'm fine.'" " Mum?" " 'Well... they were a bit bitey.'" " Mum, have you been bitten?" " 'No, but Philip has.'" " Oh, OK." " Has she been bitten?" " No, Philip has." " Oh, OK." " Mum, what state is he in?" " 'He's fine." "Bit under the weather.'" " I see." " What's the deal?" "We may have to kill my stepdad." "Mum, you're not safe there." "I'm coming." " 'I don't want to cause a fuss.'" " We're coming to get you, Barbara!" "So, what's the plan?" "Right." "'We take Pete's car, we drive over to Mum's, 'we go in, we take care of Philip.'" "I'm so sorry, Philip." "'Then we grab Mum, go over to Liz's place, 'hole up, have a cup of tea 'and wait for all this to blow over.'" " Why have we got to go to Liz's?" " Because we do." " She dumped you." " I have to know if she's all right." " Why?" " Because I love her." "All right, gay." " I'm not staying there, though." " Why not?" "If we hole up, I want to be somewhere familiar," "I wanna know where the exits are and I wanna be allowed to smoke." "OK..." "'Take Pete's car, go round Mum's, 'go in, deal with Philip.'" "Sorry, Philip." "'Grab mum, go to Liz's, pick her up, bring her back here, 'have a cup of tea and wait for all this to blow over.'" "Perfik." "No, wait, we can't bring them back here." " Why not?" " It's not exactly safe, is it?" "Yeah." "Look at the state of it." "Where's safe?" "Where's familiar?" "Where can I smoke?" "'Take car, go to Mum's, kill Phil.'" " Sorry." " 'Grab Liz, go to the Winchester, 'have a nice cold pint and wait for all this to blow over.'" "How's that for a slice of fried gold?" "Yeah, boy!" "'To recap, it is vital that you stay in your homes." "'Make no attempt to reach loved ones 'and avoid all physical contact with the assailants.'" "Do you believe everything you hear on TV?" "Yeah, I can see it, it's just outside." "Any zombies out there?" " Don't say that." " What?" " That." " What?" "That." "The Z word." "Don't say it." " Why not?" " Because it's ridiculous." "All right." "Are there any out there, though?" "Can't see any." "Maybe it's not as bad as all that." "Oh!" "No, there they are." " OK, let's do this, yeah?" " Yeah?" "Yeah!" "I got to do a wee first." "Ooh... can I drive?" "What?" "I always wanted to drive Pete's car." "I might not get another chance." "OK." "Ahh!" "Oh, God." "Sorry, Pete." "Listen, we're gonna borrow your car, OK?" "Erm, we'll bring it back." "And if you're feeling better later, we're... we're going to the pub." "You're more than welcome to, er... join us." "Pete'd be so pissed off if he knew I was driving his car." "I don't think so." "Shaun, which button's central locking?" "Oh, cock it!" "Get lost!" "Drive." "'The Church of England has joined other extremist religious groups 'in proclaiming this "a sign of a coming apocalypse"." "'Downing Street is refusing to be drawn into a religious debate." "'The bodies of the recently deceased are returning to life and attacking the living.'" "Let's put something else on." "What are you doing?" "Ed, look out!" "I think we hit something." "Or someone." "Ow!" "Are you all right?" "Come on, let's just go." "Hello?" " He's gonna be dead either way." " That's not the point." "Oh, thank God for that." "Ah, hello." "Who's a pretty boy then?" "You didn't say Barbara had a Jag." "I've always wanted to drive a Jag." "It's Philip's." "He won't let anybody near it." "I put a Mars Bar in it once and he chased me with a bit of wood." " Fuck, it's gorgeous." " It seems pretty clear, we should go." "Why don't I stay here?" "What, what, what, what, what?" "You know, just look after the car." "If there's any problems..." "I'll honk three times." "OK." "Don't forget to kill Philip!" " Hello, pickle." " Hi, Mum." "You've got red on you." "Yeah." "Mum, is everything OK?" "Are you all right?" " Yes, I'm fine." " Where's Philip?" " Dad's in the lounge." " He's not my dad." "Really!" "Ed's outside, we'll take you somewhere safe." " What about the doctor?" " I don't think he's gonna come." " Philip won't want to leave the house." " Philip isn't..." "Put the kettle on and I'll deal with Philip." " OK." " OK, then." " You hungry?" " Not really." " I'll make some sandwiches." " OK." "No fighting, you two." "'... you may ask where is our God?" "'But throughout the land, men and women of integrity 'rise up to confront the unseen enemy." "'They will not be cowards, 'they will be courageous in the face of danger.'" " I'm so sorry, Philip." " Why?" " What have you done now?" " Nothing." "What have you got there?" "Flowers, I hope." "No, it's... cricket bat." " Is that for the jumble, Shaun?" " No." "Yes." "Your toys are upstairs." "I was going to give them to the jumble." " I took them all to the tip, Barbara." " What?" " Shaun wants to take us somewhere." " Don't be silly." "Maybe you should stay here and wait for the doctor." " You said he wasn't coming." " You didn't call the doctor?" " Just to be on the safe side." " I'm fine." "I ran it under a cold tap." "We had ourjabs when we went to the Isle of Wight." " But, Philip..." " It's overblown nonsense." " A lot of drug nuts running wild." " But I should get Mum away." " I'm not going anywhere without Philip." " Mum, look!" "How about that tea?" "Mum, how much do you love Philip?" " Two sugars, is it?" " I haven't had sugar in my tea since 1982." "Oh, yes." "Will you cut me some bread, love?" "Mum, look, how much do you love Philip?" "Do we have to go through all that again?" "What would you say if I told you that Philip's been quite unkind to me?" "You weren't easy to live with." " He chased me with a bit of wood!" " You did call him a you-know-what." " Did he tell you that?" "Motherfucker." " Shaun!" "Sorry, Mother..." "Mum!" "Did you know that on several occasions..." "he touched me?" "That wasn't true." "Made it up, shouldn't have, sorry." " You don't understand..." " No, you don't understand." "Philip is my husband and has been for 17 years and I would at least expect you to respect my feelings." "You must be more adult about these things." "Yeah." "Come on, Shaun." "There comes a time when... you just... gotta be a man." "I'm telling you, it's a fuss over nothing." "Hello, Edward." " Hi, Barbara." " My, how you've grown." "You better believe it." "What happened?" "Why is he coming?" " It wasn't as easy as all that." " Are we following you?" "No, it's probably best if we..." "Where's the car?" "Hmm..." "I pranged it." "You were parked." "Yeah." "I guess we'll have to take the Jag." " Philip?" " What?" "Look out!" "Christ!" " Give me the car keys!" " You're not driving that car." "Give me the car keys!" "Ed, get Mum in the car." "I'm on it." "Don't worry about me." "Worry about your mother." " Maybe I should drive." " I've adjusted the seat now." "Just be careful!" "Can you please turn that noise down?" "Are you all right, dear?" "Would you like another tissue?" "I'd be fine if it weren't for that bloody racket." " It is a bit loud." " Sorry, Barbara." "You do realise this is a 20 mile an hour zone?" "Oh, yeah." " Here." " Mum, this won't take a second, all right?" " Have you still got the child locks on?" " Safety first, Shaun." "You can't..." "Hey, man, watch the leather." "Keep moving." "If there's any problems..." "I'll do the honks." "'Hello?" "'" "Hello?" " Guys, can you let me in?" " What are you doing?" "I've come to get you." " What are you doing?" " I've come to take you somewhere safe." " We were safe!" " You don't know that." "There was two of them out there." "How many are there now?" " Lots." " Lots!" "It only takes one of them to know you're in here." "I tried calling but I couldn't get through." "I had to come up with a plan." " Oh, you made a plan?" " We have to get out of here." "If we don't, they'll tear us to pieces." "And that will exacerbate things for all of us." " Shaun..." " This is not about you and me." "This is about survival." "We need to be somewhere more secure, somewhere we can stay alive." " We're with you, Shaun." " What?" " We're with you." " I'm not going out there." "Daffs!" "I don't want to be torn to pieces and if you think about it, neither do you." " I'm not going if Lizzie's not going." " She's going." " I'm not staying by myself." " You're going, aren't you?" " Lizzie?" " Liz?" " All right, Flash, what's your plan?" " Great." "I've got a car but it's gonna be a bit cramped now." "Has anyone got transport?" " Yes!" " Great." "Where?" "Oh, no." "Well, I've passed my test." "David?" "I don't see the point of owning a car in London." "Look, just get any blunt objects together." "If you get cornered, bash them in the head." "Keep together, stay sharp and follow me." "So, what's the plan, then?" "We're going to the Winchester." "OK?" "Let's go." " Come on." " Where's the car?" "What's up, niggaz?" "Apologies for the cramped conditions." "Di, stay on David's lap." "Philip, hang in there, OK?" "Ed, get there fast." "And, Mum, this is Liz." "Liz, Mum." "Hello." "Ed, be careful." " Is your dad all right?" " He's not my dad." " He's bleeding." " I know!" "Ed, be careful." "Thought you wanted to get there fast?" "I want to get there in one piece!" "Why are we going this way?" "Chill out, it's a short cut." " That road goes to the Winchester." " Shaun..." " Liz, please!" " I don't understand why the Winchester?" " It's a pub, it's safe, it's secure." " They know us." " What makes it so secure?" " It's got big heavy doors and deadbolts." "And there's a rifle above the bar." " I would think that's deactivated." " It's not." "John's connected." "Big Al says so." "Big Al also says dogs can't look up." " They can't." " Can't they?" " Of course they can!" " Are you sure?" "Yes!" "The pub is the right place to go." "Everything is gonna be fine." " Shaun..." " I turned it off, all right?" "What?" " Being a father, it's not easy." " What?" "You were 12 when I met you, you'd already grown up so much." "I just wanted you to be strong and not give up because you lost your dad." " Philip, you don't have to explain." " No, I do." "I always loved you, Shaun." "And I always thought you had it in you to do well." "You just need... m-motivation." "Somebody to look up to and..." "I thought it could be me." "Would you just... take care of your mum?" "There's a good boy." " Ed, can you pull over?" " Two seconds." " Ah!" "Ed, please pull over." " What for?" " Just pull over!" " All right." "Whoa, momma!" " What the hell are you doing?" " Chill out." "Everyone's all right." "Stop telling me to chill out!" " And everybody is not all right." " What's wrong?" "Mum, it's Philip, he's gone." " Where's he gone?" " Mum, he's dead." "No, he isn't." "Get out!" "Jesus!" " Get it open!" " Ed, get the child locks!" "Quick!" " The child lock!" " Ed!" " Now what?" " We keep moving." " How do we get Philip out the car?" " We haven't got time." " We can't leave your dad." " He's not my dad!" "Mum, he was, but he's not any more." " I really think we could..." " That's not your husband in there." "OK?" "It looks like him but there is nothing of the man you loved in that car." "Let's go, shall we?" "You're not suggesting we walk?" " Everybody OK?" " Yeah, we're having a whale of a time." "Maybe we should all hold hands, make a crocodile?" "Do you know where we're going?" " David, come on." " Sorry." " Do you, though?" " Yeah, totally." "Are we close?" "We're pretty close." " Is your mum gonna be OK?" " Yeah, I hope so." " Did you contact your folks?" " They're in Antigua." " Do you think this is happening there?" " I hope not." "About last night." "I know loads of things were said but..." " You said this wasn't about us." " No, it's not." " You said it was about survival." " It is, but..." "You're notjust trying to prove something?" "I meant everything I said last night." " Maybe this isn't the best time to talk." " OK." "Shaun." "Yvonne." " How's it going?" " Er, surviving." "Hey, Liz." "Long time no see." "Hey, Yvonne." "Erm... this is my boyfriend, Declan." "Erm... my friends Mark, Maggie," " my mum and my cousin Tom." " All right." "This is Shaun and his girlfriend Liz." " They've split up, actually." " Oh, really?" " Yeah." " That's a shame." "We should scoot." "Have you got somewhere you're going?" " Yeah, we're going to the Winchester." " The pub?" " Yeah." " Right, well." "Good luck!" "Hi." "Hello." "Hi." "Hello." "All right." "See?" "The Winchester's just over there." " Over where?" " Over there." "Just over there, over the 20 garden fences?" "What's the matter, David?" "Never taken a short cut before?" "Shaun." "I'm sure Jill and Derek live round here." "Now, the Winchester is just over that fence, all right?" "Everyone stay where they are, I'll..." "Are we all here?" " One, two, three, four, five." "Yes." " There's six of us." "Mum!" "I'm coming!" "Mum, are you OK?" "Are you OK?" "I don't think Jill and Derek do live here." "Shaun?" "Are you all right?" "What are you doing?" "Shaun!" "Yes!" "No, that's rubbish." " Ooh!" " Yes!" "Feel free to step in any time." " You did all right." " I didn't want to cramp your style." "I'm so sorry about that." "Right." "OK, everyone stay where they are." "I'm gonna check if the coast is clear." " Is it clear?" " No." " How many?" " Lots." "Oh, well, that is just great." "There are a fair few of them, yes." "I trust Shaun has another genius scheme up his sleeve?" "This is hardly constructive, David!" " We should have stayed at the flat." " Why didn't you?" "Because..." "Because, because of..." "Captain Wow." " Will you stop it?" " We'll get nowhere moaning." "Right, let's all shake out." "Get nice and limber." "Or not." "Take another look at the way he moves." "Remember, very limp." "Almost like sleepwalking." "Look at the face, it's vacant with a hint of sadness." "Like a drunk who's lost a bet." "OK, let's try, shall we?" "Liz." "Nice." "Good vocal work." "OK." "Barbara, that's excellent." "Sorry, dear, I was miles away." " D-Daffs." " Uh." " Come on!" " Urgh." "It's mournful, sorrowful, you're dead and you hate it." "Go." "Uuurgh." " Much better." "Ed." " I'll do it on the night." "This is the night!" " What is that?" " What about yours?" "Who died and made you fucking king of the zombies?" "Don't..." "Yeah, that's pretty good." "Right, let's all try together, shall we?" "One, two, three." "Go, go, go, go." "Shit!" "Get round me, get round me!" "John?" "John, Bernie, are you there?" "It's Shaun and Ed." "We come in all the time." " They can hear you." " We do the quiz." " They know." " Stay in character!" " I can't see them." " Shaun, we have to get inside." " Break the window." " We'll be exposed!" " Break the window!" " Is there another way in?" "Yeah, there's..." "Two seconds." "Hey, Noodle." " 'All right?" "'" " Yeah, man, I can't talk now." " 'You get anything yet?" "'" " I got nothing." "I'm in the middle of something." "Yeah, it's weird." " Oi!" "What are you doing?" " What are you doing?" "You stupid moron." " Fuck off." " You fuck off!" "Fuck fucking off!" "I've spent an entire life..." "Look at me." "I've spent my entire life sticking up for you and all you ever do is fuck things up and make me look stupid." "I'm not gonna let you do it any more." "Not today!" "Shaun." "Oh." "You were saying about another way in?" "Yeah, there's a..." "What are you doing?" " No!" " Get inside." "No, they'll follow us." "Keep up the act, I'll have to do something." " What do you mean do something?" " Hello, hello, over here!" "Come on, that's it." "Come on, that's it, over here!" "Over here!" "Come on." "Oh, bollocks." " Wait till I've gone then get inside." " Gone where?" "I won't be long, I promise." "Come on, you pasty-faced fuckers, let's go!" "Follow me." "Come on, this way, that's it!" "Come on." "This way, follow me." "Come on, follow me." "Come and get it." "It's a running buffet." "All you can eat!" "Shall we go in, then?" " Come on, Barbara." "Leave those." " I think they're for me." " He's been gone a good 20 minutes." " 17." "Either way, we need to think about blocking up this window." "We're totally exposed." " How will Shaun get back in?" " I'm sure he'll knock." " Let's get some lights on." " David, wait!" " Power's off." " That's a good thing." " We mustn't advertise our whereabouts." " No, of course not." " Do we, David?" " No, of course not, Lizzie." "I'm just being proactive." "There's no lights, no power." "And there's a hole in the window." " You did that, you twat." " Somebody had to do something!" "We were in a spot of bother." "Somebody has to take control of the situation and if none of you are prepared to accept that responsibility then perhaps..." "I should." " Will Shaun be gone long?" " He'll be back soon." " How do you know?" " I don't think he'd leave us." "Wouldn't he?" "How can you trust a man you binned for being unreliable?" "A man whose idea of a romantic nightspot is also an impenetrable fortress." "This is a pub!" "We are in a pub!" "What are we going to do?" "I could get a round in." "Let's just wait for Shaun." "We'll barricade the window when he gets back." "What then?" "How long?" "Days?" "Weeks?" "A month?" " What are we going to eat?" " Toasties!" " There's a Breville out back." " Great." "Saved by nibbles." "Must be why Shaun took us here before he left." " He's coming back!" " Why?" "Because he promised?" "If he does, do you think his master plan will be anything more than eating peanuts?" "Is he just gonna stroll in and suddenly everything's OK?" "I don't know, David!" "I don't know any more than you do." "But what I do know is that we're here now and we have to make the best of it." " Ed, get me a double vodka." " Right you are." "I'll have a drink too." "Would you like a drink, Barbara?" " Hello." " Right, great, fuck it." "We'll have a party and get completely smashed." "We've got our nibbles." "We've got our Mini Cheddars." " David!" " We got Twiglets." "Oh, look, hog lumps." "Pickle!" "Hello, Mum." "You all right?" " Everybody OK?" " Yeah." " Any sign of John and Bernie?" " No." " Check upstairs?" " It's locked." " Phones?" " Dead." "Same as the power." " OK..." " Nice of you to join us." "Yeah, well, I promised, didn't I?" "How did you lose them?" "I just gave them the slip." "Wasn't difficult." "They're not all that." " Well, how did you get in?" " The back door." "I tried to tell you before you smashed the window." "But it wasn't me blowing our cover by arguing with my boyfriend." " He's not my boyfriend." " Might be a bit warm, the cooler's off." "Thanks, babe." "So, what's the plan, then?" "Would anyone like a peanut?" "Why don't you do your Clyde?" "Has anyone seen Every Which Way But Loose?" "Ed does the most amazing impression of the orang-utan." " No, it's not." " It is." "Come on." "Do it." " No, no." " But it's brilliant." "Come on." " You've built it up too much." " No, just do it." "Everyone wants to see it." "We could do with a laugh." "Do it, do it, do it, do it." "Come on, do it." "I'm not a performing monkey." " The power's on." " It's not, I tried it earlier." "The streetlights are on." "I'll flip the fuses, we can watch television." " What about the lights?" " Yes." "Don't advertise our whereabouts." "The lights are on a separate circuit." "Just flip the mains breakers." "It's quite simple, David." " Is that it?" " That's it." "Liz, erm... have you got a quid?" "Erm..." "Yeah." "Never anything on, is there?" "What?" " I think we might have a bit of a problem." " What do you mean?" " They followed me." " I thought you said you gave them the slip." "Yeah." "Well, we'll just have to be extra quiet then, won't we?" "What?" "Ed, no!" "Turn it off!" "Shit!" " Where the hell did he come from?" " I dunno." " Who put this on?" " It's on random." "Dianne, get Mum somewhere safe." "David, kill the Queen." " What?" "!" " The jukebox!" " Liz, Ed, grab a weapon." " What about the rifle?" " Cocktails?" " What do you mean?" "The flaming spirits Get a rag in, light it." " But the whole place could go up." " What, then?" "How about pool?" "# Don't stop me now" "# Don't stop me" " # Cos I'm having... #" " John, it's time at the bar." "# I'm a shooting star leaping through the sky like a tiger" "# Defying the laws of gravity" "# I'm a racing car passing by like Lady Godiva" "# I'm gonna go, go, go" "# There's no stopping me" "# I'm burning through the sky..." " I can't find the switches!" " Then get the fuses!" "# That's why they call me Mister Fahrenheit" "# I'm travelling at the speed of light" "# I wanna make a supersonic man out of you" "# Don't stop me now" "# I'm having such a good time" "# I'm having a ball" "# Don't stop me now" "# If you wanna have a good time" "# Just give me a call" "# Don't stop me now cos I'm having a good time" "# Don't stop me now" "# Yes I'm having a good time I don't wanna stop at all" " # I'm a rocket ship on my way to Mars..." " Why is Queen still on?" " We have a situation!" " I know!" " Fuck this." "Two seconds." " Ed!" "Oi!" "# Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, explode" "# I'm burning through the sky, yeah..." "Shaun!" "#... call me Mister Fahrenheit..." "No!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "In the head!" "Ooow!" "Shauny!" "# Don't stop me Ooh, ooh, ooh" "# Don't stop me, don't stop me good time, good time" "# Don't stop me... #" "Why didn't you just shoot him, man?" "Ed, for the last time, it's..." "I fucking knew it!" "What did I tell you?" "Big Al was right." "OK." "But dogs can look up." " Has anyone fired a gun before?" " Oh, yeah." " Apart from Ed?" " I'm a pacifist." " Apart from David and Ed?" " What was Ed's experience?" " He shot his sister in the leg." " I think you should do it." " We should all do it." " How can five people operate one gun?" " No one has any experience." "We've got..." " 29." " 29 bullets." " Call them shells." "29 shells." "I need someone to help me reload, everyone else to look out." "I will fire." "As Bertrand Russell said the only thing that will redeem mankind is co-operation." "I think we can all appreciate that now." " Was that on a beer mat?" " Yeah, it was Guinness Extra Cold." " I won't say anything." " Thanks." " They want to come in." " Get Mum out of the way." "David, Dianne, let's go." "Ed, give me some shells." " Barbara." " Oh, hello." " Would you like to come with me?" " That'd be lovely." "It's nice to meet you, finally." "Shaun's always talking about you." " Really?" " Yeah." " Ah!" " Barbara?" "Are you all right?" "I've got something for you." "Shaun's father gave me this." "Shaun's real father, I mean." " I'd like you to have it." " Barbara, Shaun and I have..." "It seems only right." "I didn't want to say anything." "I thought Shaun would be worried." "Liz!" "Here they come!" " Stay behind me!" " There's one!" "Sorry, we're closed!" " The safety!" " That happened to me on stage." "Cock it!" " There!" " Where?" "Three o'clock!" " Oh!" "Over there again." "Quarter to twelve." " What?" " 11:45!" " Keep it simple!" "Top left!" " Reload." " I'm on it!" "Come on, come on." "Nice shot." "OK, David, Dianne, let's block up this window!" "Ed, take over a sec." " What is it?" "What's wrong?" " Shaun, I'm so sorry." " Mum, what's wrong?" " I didn't want to be a bother." " Mum, what's wrong?" " I didn't want to be a bother." " Mum, I don't understand." " The man in his pyjamas." "I didn't want to say anything, I thought you'd be upset." "No, you should've said." " Take over a sec." " What's going on?" " What's up?" " What the hell's going on?" " Barbara's hurt!" " Just take over a minute." "Jesus." "I know first aid." "Just hang on." "Mum!" " Mum." " Is she...?" "Just hold on, Mum, you're gonna be fine." " I never thanked you." " For what?" "For these. "To a wonderful mum."" "It's been a funny sort of day, hasn't it?" "Oh, no, no!" "Mum, come on." "Stop it, stop it, stop it." "Mum." "Please don't go." " What are you doing?" " We have to deal with her." " Daffs!" " For Christ's sake!" " She's gonna come back!" " She's not going anywhere." " She'll change." " She's my mum!" " She's a zombie." " Don't say that." "Move aside." "I'm gonna count to three." "One... two... three!" " Don't point that gun at my mum!" " Calm down." "Don't point that gun at Barbara!" " Ed, don't exacerbate things!" " What's that mean?" " This isn't exactly fair." " Here." " Thank you." " It's OK." "Please, can we just stop and think about this?" "Tell him to put the gun down!" "She's gonna change." "You know I'm right." "And when she does, she'll kill all of us." "That's what your ex can't seem to realise." "That's what this is about, isn't it?" "He doesn't like me!" "He's always hated me and now he wants to shoot my mum." " She's not..." " You've never thought I was good enough." " What?" " We all know you're in love with Liz." " That is not true." " Yes it is!" " That is not true." " Yes it is." " What?" " I know you only hung out with me to get close to Liz and when she knocked you back, I was there to pick up the pieces." "I've come to terms with that, Daffs, why can't you?" "Lizzie, I want you to know that my feelings for you..." "David!" "There are slightly more pressing matters at hand here." " Like "Daffs" pointing a gun at my mum." " I'm not being unreasonable, "Pickle"." " Christ, she's not dead!" " She's finished." "For a hero, you're quite a hypocrite." "You've gone from a chartered accountant to Charlton Heston." "I'm not a chartered accountant." " Well, you look like one." " Yeah." " I'm a lecturer." " You're a twat." "She's not your mum." "In a minute she'll be just another zombie." " Don't say that." " We're not using the Z word." "Please can we just calm the fuck down!" "Now, I can see what David is trying to say..." " Thank you." " Even if he is being a twat." "Yep." "And, Shaun..." "Shaun, look at me." "I can't begin to imagine how hard this must be for you but we can't afford to fall apart." "Shaun, babe..." "I know you don't wanna hear this..." "You do it." "I'm sorry, Mum." "Do it!" "Well..." "I think we're all agreed, you did the right thing there." "David, no!" "David!" " Right, I'm leaving." " What?" " I'm not staying here." " David, it's suicide." " I think you should go." " We will." "We can defend ourselves." " What do you mean "we"?" " What do you mean?" "Opening that door now would be a very silly thing to do." " You gonna stay here with him?" " Look..." " After where he led us?" " Let me finish!" "Shaun didn't ask you to come here." "You came for the same reason I did." " Get away from that door this instant!" " But..." "David!" "I'm so sorry, Dianne." "Maybe I'm not the one you should be apologising to." "Shaun..." "David!" "No!" "No!" "No!" "No!" "David!" " No!" "No!" " David!" "David!" "Dianne, no!" "I'm coming, David!" "David!" "Oh dear." " Cocktails?" " Do it." "Stay back!" "Shaun, hold them!" "Heads!" " Ed!" " Hurry up!" "Shauny, look who it is." "Fuck-a-doodle-doo!" "Ed!" " Shaun!" " Ed!" "Don't groan at me, you thick fuck!" "I can't hold them!" "No!" " Shaun!" " Pete!" "I said leave him alone!" "Ed." "Ed!" "Shaun, bar!" "Ed!" "Ed!" "Ed!" "What?" "Chuck us a cloth, will you?" " Where are the shells?" " They're on the bar." "Oh, fuck." "Ow!" "Fuck it!" "What are we gonna do?" "Where are we gonna go?" " The cellar." " Maybe we can get out!" " There's a hatch out on to the street." " You mean go back outside?" "Oh, give us a fucking break!" "Go!" "I can see the street." "Come on." "Come on!" "Why won't it open?" "That's it then, we're trapped." ""Hey, let's go to the Winchester!"" "Whose fucking idea was that?" "Man, I've really ballsed this up." " No, you haven't." " I have, Liz." "I couldn't save us." "I couldn't save Di or David." "I couldn't even save Mum." "I'm useless." "You shouldn't feel so responsible, you tried." "You did something, that's what counts." "Yeah, I suppose." "Do you think they'll get through?" "Yeah." "How many shells have we got left?" "Erm... two." "I suppose we could take a few of them out if they stand in a line." "I wasn't thinking about them." "I know." " What about Ed?" "There's only two shells." " I don't mind being eaten." "How are we gonna do this?" "I don't know." "Erm..." "One of us has to go first." "One should do the other and then do themselves." "You should do me." "I'll muck it up if I have to do myself." "I don't think I've got it in me to shoot my flatmate, my mum and my girlfriend all in the same evening." "What makes you think I've taken you back?" "Well... you don't want to die single, do you?" "Actually..." "I would like to be shot." "Besides, I've changed." "I haven't had a fag since yesterday, I promise." "He hasn't." "Maybe we should have one now." " You left them in my flat." " Yeah, in the bin." " I was desperate." " Sneaky monkey." " Sorry." " I won't say anything." "Come on, we're getting out of here." " I mightjust stay here." " But we can get out." " You two should make a go of it." " What are you talking about?" " I only hold you back." " Yeah, but..." "Maybe you should have this." " Don't you want it?" " No." "I can't hit anything with it anyway, I'm rubbish." " Ed, I'm sorry." " What for?" " Cos I was shouting at you earlier on." " It's all right." "I'm sorry too." "It's OK." "No..." "I'm sorry, Shaun." "Oh, God!" "That's not funny." " I'll stop doing 'em when you stop laughing." " I'm not laughing." "You'd better be off." "Bye, Ed." "Love you." "Cheers." "I love you too, man." "Gay." " Ready?" " Ready." "Section One." "Ready." "Zombies to your front." "Fire!" "Fire!" "Oh, my God!" "Shaun!" "Yvonne?" " How are you doing?" " Surviving." "They're taking us somewhere safe." "I thought you two might want to tag along." "Is itjust the two of you?" "Well, glad somebody made it." "Come on." "'Next, the story of ten-year-old Enrique Ramírez 'who fought off the reanimated corpses of his entire family." "'Lt's all coming right up on Zombies From Hell.'" "'Six months on and, to many, the events of Z-Day must seem like a bad dream." "'As we now know, the phenomenon resulted from the use of... ' '... not something I ever expected as a newscaster to have to say on air." ""'Removing the head or destroying the brain." Incredible.' '... to have a top band with us, talking about their work for the charity Zombaid... '" "'The fact that the mobile deceased retained their primal instincts 'make them ideal recruitment for the service industry, 'as well as other roles such as... '" "'He can't quite get it." "Ooh!" "He's fallen, he's down!" "'" "'I don't see nothing wrong with it but I know that some people would." "'But he's my husband, you know." "I still love him and I got the ring." " 'You go to bed with it?" "' - 'Course I do.'" "'People can't understand why she's with him?" "'" "'Lnitial claims that the virus was caused by infected monkeys have been dismissed... '" "Hello." "What's the plan, then?" "Right, a cup of tea... then we get the Sundays." "Head down the Phoenix for a roast, veg out in the pub for a bit then wander home, watch a bit of telly, go to bed." " Perfik." " I'll get the kettle on." " Can I have two sugars, please?" " Ooh!" "Adventurous." " I might pop into the garden for a bit." " Go on, then." "Two seconds." "'Player two has entered the game.'" "Ed!" "Yes!"