"Copyright from ecOtOne™" "MAN1 :♫ Fellas,I'mready to get up and do my thing ♪" "(MEN EXCLAIMING IN AGREEMENT)" "♫ I wanna get into it man, yöu know ♪" "♫ Like a sex machine, man ♪" "♫ Moving, doing it, yöu know ♪" "♫ Can I count it off?" "♪" "♫ One, two, three, four ♪" "(FUNK MUSIC PLAYING)" " ♫ Get up ♪" " MAN 2: ♫ Get on up ♪" "♫ Get up ♪ ♫ Get on up ♪" "♫ Stay on the scene ♪ ♫ Get on up ♪" "♫ Like a sex machine ♪ ♫ I Get on up ♪" "♫ Get up ♪ ♫ Get on up ♪" "♫ Get up ♪ ♫ Get on up ♪" "♫ Be on the scene ♪ ♫ Get on up ♪" "♫ Like a sex machine ♪ ♫ Get on up ♪" "♫ Get up ♪ ♫ Get on up ♪" "♫ Get up ♪ ♫ Get on up I ♪" "MAN:" "So, tell me." "Tell yöu what?" "About last night." "So, I go to that new spot on, uh, Sixth and Main, right?" "Right." "Nice atmosphere, beautiful women, Danny." "Shit." "Why are yöu saying "shit"?" "I asked yöu to come." "I see this chick, cute girl, tight." "Model tight?" "No." "No, no, no, no." "I'm not fucking with them anorexic girls no more, dude." "It's like fucking a 10 speed bike with daddy issues." "True." "This girl, she's put together, man," "I mean, nice tities, nice ass, whole package." "But, I think I kind of know her." "Hey, my name is Bernie." "Good for yöu." "yöu know Angela." "Yeah, I know Ang, too." "Right, Bernie." "Yeah." "Yeah, yöu used to date Angela." "Date?" "No, I was fucking the shit out of Angela, that's what that was." "yöu got those edges nappy, huh?" "(CHUCKLES)" "WOMAN:" "So, at this point, I'm intrigued." "Nothing makes a guy sexier than if he screwed over a chick yöu hate." "(CHUCKLES) It's like revenge by association." "Exactly." "So, this Bernie's got a pair." "It's ladies' night, I'm down, we get drunk." " yöu buy?" " Of course, I buy." "What am I, a dick?" "She gets drunk, I get drunk we go back to my place, right?" "Listen to me, Danny, this chick was insane." "But he gets too drunk." "See, yöu always let them drink too much." "No." "It is not my fault he got..." "Whiskey dick?" "Shame on yöu." "Dude, I had to keep up with her drinking or else I look like a pussy." "It's not my fault my friend downstairs couldn't keep it together." "yöu got two ways to look at whiskey dick." "The con is that yöur dick is functionally dysfunctional." "The pro is that yöur click gets extra special attention for his extra special needs." "How much extra special attention did she have to give yöu?" "It was heaven." "She was down there at least 20 minutes." "Any longer than that and yöu might as well charge." "So, I'm pulling out all the stops." "I'm talking dirty, I do handwork..." "I put on a goddamn slow jam." "I mean, I am impressing myself." "Mmm..hmm." "I am like an EMT crew reviving a car crash victim." "Ha!" "Do yöu know what I mean?" "I'm like a hairdryer, lam blowing so hard." "But, I must admit, it was well worth the wait." "Really?" "Mmm..hmm." "Impressive, but not threatening." "It's like the John Legend of penises." "Mmm." "That is impressive." "Very." "So I'm down there and it is the..." "Best head this year." "What?" "Thorough, paid attention to detail, took pride in her work, Danny." "Did she do yöur taxes as well?" "Snarky, but I'll allow it." "Only reason why is because yöu been crying in yöur beer since crazy Alison left yöur ass over a year ago." "I'm taking my time." "yöu know what yöur problem is?" "yöu're too damn good looking, man." "What?" "See, guys like me gotta work a lot harder than guys like yöu." "Guys like yöu don't appreciate the wealth of asses at their disposal." "Best thing that could happen to yöur face is an industrial accident." "Whatever." "I'm serious." "Dude, yöu need to go meet yöu a nice looking female, take her back to yöur place, turn her out!" "Make her feel things." "yöu made Joan feel things?" "Oh, I made her feel like good and evil hung in the balance, like we were at peace talks and her orgasms were the end of genocide." "I saved the world last night, Danny." "We appreciate it, brother." "yöu're welcome." "Then she was like..." "(MOANING)" "And I'm like..." "(GROANING)" "Stop." "Stop, stop." "(SIGHS) Yeah, I'm okay." "Never mind, never mind, keep going." "(MOANING)" "Stop." "Stop stop." "Stop, stop." "(MOANING)" "Motherfucker, I said stop!" "Are yöu deaf, Negro?" "And I'm like, "Well, bitch, which is it?"" "I got a Charley horse." "Ah, were yöur legs up around yöur..." "Obviously, which is so annoying, because I was just about to..." "Come on." "I'm like, finish yöur yoga so we can do it again." "Right, but the headline there is "again."" "Yes." "We had to start all over." "So if it was bad sex, why are we hanging out with this guy?" "It wasn't bad, it was imperfect." "Isn't that the same thing?" "Heads up, Little Miss Overachiever." "When it comes to sex, if yöu get it right the first time, yöu got nowhere to go." "Come on." "Oh, wait, there he is." "The other one's cute." "That must be his "this isn't a date" friend." "Mmm." "Hey!" "Come on." "Hey... hey!" "What's going on?" "All right, well... (CHUCKLES) What do yöu think?" "It's a nice place, right?" "Uh, it's okay." "It's a bar." "Hey, I mean, if it's a bar, that means we supposed to be getting drunk." "As a matter of fact, this next round is on yöu two ladies." "Oh, charming." "This is my roommate, Debbie Sullivan." "How yöu doing?" "Bernie Litko." "Good to meet yöu." "Hi." "Nice to meet yöu." "Uh, uh, this is my guy, this is Danny Martin." "He works with me." "Nice to meet yöu." "Nice to meet yöu." "(CHUCKLES)" "Hi, Danny." "Oh, shit." "I'm sorry, Joan, this is Danny." "This is who I was just telling yöu about." "Yeah, I heard a lot about yöu." "So, what do yöu guys do?" "Restaurant supply." "Exactly." "Oh, wow." "Thai sounds like yöu guys are either waiters or in the Mafia." "All right, sweetie, I'm gonna need yöu to take these unsolicited attacks down a notch." "Save the crazy for later, when I got use for that shit." "(CHUCKLES) (LAUGHS)" "Okay." " Damn!" "Now, wait a minute." " (SQUEALS)" "Let me help yöu." "yöu see this shit?" "Ah." "Got me one." "Okay." "Oh, thank yöu." "Okay." "I'm gonna take it." "JOAN:" "I want it!" "I want it!" "(LAUGHING)" "BERNIE:" "We gotta take another shot." "It's here!" "Hey, come on. yöu sure yöu don't want another round?" "I'm fine, I got my drink." "Come on, shots." "She never goes out unless I drag her." "That's not true." "It is true, baby." "She only sleeps with guys at her advertising firm." "What?" "It's so sad." "She has to get it in at work." "Also not true." "yöu're not by yöurself." "Let me tell yöu something." "He just as sad." "Yawn fest over here, he ain't been out since his ex-girlfriend Alison broke up with him over a year ago." "Ah, easy." "That's because he felt emasculated." "I mean, she left him." "That happens a lot, don't be embarrassed." "Baby, he should hook up with Debbie, so they could be boring together!" "BERNIE:" "Y'all should hook up and do this." "JOAN:" "He should hook up with Deb." "Oh, yeah." "I wanna do that." "yöu wanna do that?" "I wanna do that." "Let me tell yöu something, we will never be boring." "♫ Me and yöu will ♪ ♫ never be boring ♪" "(LAUGHING)" "Public place." "Get a room!" "That's what I mean." "Boring!" "I'm about to boo yöu." "It's okay, fine." "Boo." "JOAN:" "Baby I'm gonna go to that place where yöu pee." "(SQUEALS)" "(BERNIE CHUCKLES)" "Ooh!" "Want me to go with yöu?" "No, I'm fine, I'm fine!" "I'm about to go to that place where she pees, too." "All right." "Here I go." "Shit, yeah, lam." "Hey, hey." "I'm sorry I said that shit about Alison." "Just go." "I shouldn't have said that." "Please." "I'm gonna beat this pussy up." "Go, please!" "(SIGHING) Wow." "I'm not really boring." "Yeah, me neither." "I just pretend to be, so that she can be the crazy one." "This may be the worst date I've ever been on, and it's not even my date." "I've definitely had worse." "Yeah?" "Yeah." "That's why I don't go out much." "It's not worth it, right?" "Why even try something when 95% of the time if is just an epic failure?" "Because that other 5% can be pretty mind blowing." "Turn around!" "Put yöur hand up here." "I don't feel like a lady!" "Listen." "Listen." "I'm a flower." "Okay, yöu're my flower." "Okay, yöu know what yöu're gonna do?" "yöu're gonna sit on me." "That's it!" "Okay." "I'm going to sit on yöu, okay." "Okay." "Come here." "(TOILET FLUSHING) Oh, my God, what is that?" "yöu flushed it!" "(CELL PHONE RINGING) yöu can turn that thing off." "It's work." "I should go." "I have to get up early in the morning." "Can I walk yöu out?" "Yeah, sure." "DANNY:" "Are yöu serious?" "Yep." "So, yöu lived in L.A. six years..." "Mmm..hmm." "And yöu've never been to a Dodgers game?" "Nope." "I have killer seats." "I'll take yöu." "Are yöu asking me out?" "(CHUCKLES) un, yeah." "(LAUGHS)" " Yeah." " MAN:" "Debbie?" "Deborah Sullivan." "Hello, Terrell." "It's been a while." "Six months." "yöu're too good to return my calls?" "Bitch move, Deb." "Hmm." "Whoa." "It's okay." "He's taken one too many hits to the head, clearly." "So, this yöu now?" "This is me." "Mmm..hmm." "Suit yöurself." "Life is short." "And so is he." "(GUYS LAUGHING)" "He's corny." "Yeah." "Remember that 95% epic failure?" "Yeah." "Exhibit A. Really?" "Yep." "I'm sorry, was that weird?" "No, I'll be yöur fake boyfriend whenever yöu want." "(CHUCKLES)" "But I wouldn't do this." "All right, so, what would yöu do if yöu were my boyfriend?" "It's nice, right?" "Very, very." "What else?" "Well..." "I've wanted to put my hand here all night." "Then what?" "Then I'd probably lean in, kind of like this." "♫ There's a million reasons ♪" "♫ A million ways ♪" "♫ A million words ♪" "♫ But I've said all I can say ♪" "♫ Just wanna be yöur lover ♪" "(SIGHS)" "(CLATTERING)" "(CLEARS THROAT)" "yöu don't have to rush off." "(CHUCKLES) Hi." "Um, hi." "(CHUCKLES)" "I do, actually, um..." "It's been a slice of heaven, really, but I have to go home now." "Let me turn the light on." "No, no, no!" "No need to do that." "Why?" "It's a rule of mine." "(CHUCKLES) yöu got a lot of rules, lady." "Hmm." "yöu need this?" "(CHUCKLES) There it is, yeah." "Thanks for that." "Should I walk yöu out?" "No, we both know what happened the last time yöu did that." "That kind of makes me wanna walk yöu out even more, though." "(CHUCKLES)" "(CLEARS THROAT)" "Great." "Um, thanks!" "Mmm..hmm, yeah." "(DOOR CLOSES)" "DEBBIE:" "I can't believe I slept with him on the first date." "It wasn't even yöur date." "It was mine." "Tell me everything." "His eyes, his body, his mouth." "(GASPS) He didn't!" "yöu lucky bitch!" "Mmm..hmm." "(LAUGHS)" "Bernie doesn't?" "Of course not." "Why not?" "Well, yöu ask him." "Joan, where the bathroom at, baby?" "Bernie?" "Mmm..hmm." "Why don't yöu like cunnilingus?" "I don't even know who the bitch is." "What are yöu talking about?" "(ENAEUUE) Hey." "I should go in there right now and force him to wear the thigh muffs." "(BOTH LAUGHING)" "DANNY:" "Yeah." "Just remember, everything is covered under a full service warranty." "Food handler and VIP branch." "Temperature and cut resistant." "Uh..huh." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "Hey, can I call yöu right back?" "Thanks." "Yo." "Hey. yöu cover for me with the Hobbit?" "Yeah, I told him yöu went to the dentist." "yöu might want to actually brush yöur teeth to make it believable." "That's funny, Danny." "That's real funny." "Hey!" "Let's start this day off right." "'Sup, boy?" "Huh?" "I'm shaking yöur hand." "Why?" "'Cause I'm congratulating yöu on growing yöur dick back." "yöu banged Debbie, man." "How do yöu know this?" "'Cause she told me after I banged her this morning." "yöu see I'm wearing the same stuff." "I'm lying, dude. yöur girl, my girl, they roommates." "She's not my girl." "Oh, yöu want her to be yöur girl." "She's not my girl!" "I dare yöu to look at me with those little icy, baby blue eyes of yöurs and tell me that yöu don't want her to be yöur girl." "I just met her." "It was nothing but about last night." "Did yöu text her, Danny?" "I don't have her number." "yöu're gonna get it." "After all that nasty stuff yöu did last night, she gonna find yöu." "Hey, what do yöu think of her?" "yöu just didn't care and now yöu want to know what I think of her?" "Uh, I think she looks good, I think she's smart, dude, straight up wife material." "Or she could be Alison all over again." "Now, I'm gonna be a good friend and pretend yöu didn't just say that." "I'm gonna act like I didn't see yöu check yöur Facebook for friend requests." "Hey, buddies, dudes, compadres." "Uh, Bernie, corporate office guys are here." "They did not buy the dentist thing." "So should I tell them yöu were..." "I was eating pussy all night, Keller." "Oh, uh..." "(CHUCKLES)" "Wow, hey, nice." "(CHUCKLES)" "Why is corporate here?" "Asset review." "They just showed up." "I was like, "What, no phone call?"" "(MOCKING LAUGHTER)" "They were like, "If yöu try to be funny again"," ""we're gonna rip yöur throat out."."" "Which is, like, so them, yöu know?" "(BLOWS RASPBERRY)" "Anyway, Bernie, luckily, yöu're prepared, right?" "Sure am, boss." "Let's do it." "Follow yöu, my fearless leader." "Go get 'em." "Really?" "Clean it up bitch." "Stop, I'm playing." "(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)" "♫ Never stop never giving up ♪" "♫ Never stop never giving up ♪" "♫ Never stop never giving up ♪" "♫ Give it up ♪" "(CHUCKLES)" "Debbie, are yöu with us?" "♫ Spending some time ♪" "(MOANING AND CHUCKLING)" "♫ Making plans to last forever ♪" "Did yöu?" "Yeah." "(CAMERA CLICKING)" "Where yöu going, Danny?" "Danny, what are yöu doing?" "Are yöu gonna go see yöur little fuck buddy?" "Hey." "I'm serious, don't go." "Okay?" "If yöu stay, I'll let yöu see the taint." "No." "I wanna show it to yöu." "Fuck, man, I gotta go!" "yöu gonna go look at Debbie's taint?" "Yeah, it's much better than yöurs." "James has seen my taint!" "yöu saw it." "(ALL LAUGHING)" "♫ Never stop ♪ ♫ Never give it up ♪" "KELLER:" "Bernie!" "Well, it just depends on yöur monthly sales." "Bernie..." "Where's Danny?" "I don't know, ask him." "I would if I could find the man." "JOAN:" "Debbie, where are yöu?" "I need one more teeth cleaning for my log." "Hey, if yöu're with Danny, don't brush after," "I need a challenge." "(GROANING)" "(SCOFFS) Okay, that's enough." "I will hurt yöu in this chair." "♫ Never stop ♪ ♫ Never stop I ♪" "There yöu go." "Thank yöu, Case." "(CLEARS THROAT) Thanks again for covering my ass, Danny." "And I'll get yöu the last two months next week." "I promise." "Don't take this the wrong way, I'm just curious." "Why can't yöu pay yöur bill?" "yöu got customers." "BERNIE:" "Yeah, Casey, everybody's inside drinking." "Yeah, but that doesn't mean they're paying." "Why?" "Are yöu running tabs?" "What is this, 1978?" "Look, what do yöu want me to do?" "They're my regulars." "Get 'em MasterCards." "It's tough times right now." "That's not yöur problem." "It is my problem." "These are my friends." "Casey, yöu gotta start looking at these guys as yöur customers." "Damn sure do, Case." "That's yöur problem." "What is up with yöu?" "Did yöu get back together with Alison?" "He's fucking this new chick." "Good, I'm real happy for yöu." "Not for nothing, when yöu were with Alison, yöu weren't the coolest guy in the world to hang around with." "(CHUCKLES)" "Just saying." "Thanks again." "Hey, yöu going to the movies tonight?" "I don't know." "Are yöu coming to the movies tonight, or are yöu gonna flake again?" "DEBBIE:" "I don't know." "Why?" "Is Danny coming?" "yöu know, it would be good for yöu two to go out in public together instead of being vampires." "I've never done the serious relationship thing, but I smell not ready all over him." "Well, maybe yöu're not sniffing in the right places." "WOMAN: (ON SCREEN) Hello?" "MAN:" "Oh, I'm sorry, I don't mean to bother yöu." "yöu were the only house with the lights on." "I just lost control of my car." "(WHOOPS)" "(GROANS)" "Whooped yöur ass, boy." "And I gave yöu a head start." "Why yöu bail on me on Saturday?" "I was busy." "Doing what?" "Writing in yöur diary?" "Man, if yöu don't want to deal with Debbie, why don't yöu just stop putting parts of yöu in parts of her?" "Do yöu have a problem with that?" "Uh, actually, I do." "Okay, yöu not the one that's getting an earful from Joan, man." "I am!" "Nothing makes yöu more unattractive than yöur best friend dicking over her friend." "I'm not dicking Debbie over!" "yöu're doing the fuck buddy dance right now." "What?" "The fuck buddy dance." "When yöu do that dance, somebody gets hurt." "Nine times out of 10, it's the person with the vagina and I'm telling yöu," "I'm not gonna be fraternizing with the enemy." "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard yöu say, and yöu've said some stupid shit." "It's not stupid." "yöu know what this is?" "It's the Lando Calrissian effect." "I'm out here getting pussy in Cloud City, giving Han Solo a run for his money." "Now when they find out that I'm friends with Darth Vader, know what's gonna happen?" "I'm gonna get stuck in the Millennium Falcon with a racially offensive co-pilot." "It's the Star Wars equivalent to castration." "Dude, yöu either get in or yöu get out." "Fine, but I'm not the bad guy." "(IMITATING YODA) yöu will be. yöu will be." "(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)" "(BALLPARK MUSIC PLAYING)" " MAN: ♫ I Say hey ♪" " CHORUS: ♫ Say who?" "♪" "MAN:" "I Swinging at the plate Say hey." " CHORUS: ♫ Say who ♪" " MAN: ♫ Say Willie I ♪" "Danny!" "Hey." "Hi, stranger." "(CROWD CHEERING)" "BOTH;" "Mwah." "Told yöu I had great seats." "(CHUCKLES)" "Yeah, these are great." "For yöu." "Oh, thank yöu." "Yeah." "There yöu go." "Now yöu're ready." "Is that good?" "Now yöu're ready." "Look at that." "Can't we move closer?" "We could, but these are my seats." "Yeah, but those can be our seats." "Well, it doesn't really work like that." "Why, are there seat cops?" "These are my dad's seats." "He inherited them from his dad, so it's a thing." "Oh." "Yeah. yöu get it, right?" "Uh, yeah, I get it." "I do." "These are great seats." "Good." "Where's Joan?" "Oh she's, uh, gonna meet us here." "Where's Bernie?" "Uh, he said he's gonna meet us here." "BOTH:" "Right." "Wait, so do they know we set them up?" "Yeah, baby." "I mean, they ain't stupid." "I know they're not stupid." "I just..." "I want them to work it out." "Are yöu serious, do we still need these?" "Yes." "When's the last time yöu got tested?" "Tested?" "I don't know." "I was in college." "College?" "I am tested every year at my Pap smear." "Bernie, yöu need to get tested." "Okay, first of all, do I wanna know what a Pap smear is?" "No." "Mmm..mmm." " Take the test, I'll take the test." " Thank yöu." "Wait a minute." "Give me a second!" "I'm keep... (CONDOM SNAPPING)" "That's it, it's on." "Wait, wait, no, it's not." " See, this is what happened last time..." " Is on." " It's on!" " Are yöu sure?" "I'm..." "I know when it's on!" "Now that I got this big old gift wrapped," " let's get it going while the tree is still up." " (CHUCKLING)" "All right." "Get on top." "I'm not getting on top." "yöu gotta get on top." "I got on top the last time." "I'm not getting on top." "No, that shit be fucking with my knees." "I'm not doing it." "But yöu know my back is bad." "Rock, paper, scissors." "Rock, paper, scissors, the loser gets on top" "All right." "Fine." "On three." "Okay." "Ready?" "BOTH:" "One, two, three." "That's a tie." "We gotta go side." "Lift yöur cheek up." "Oh there yöu go, there yöu go, baby." "Oh, there it is." "That's what I'm talking about, baby!" "Good defense, boy!" "(WHOOPS) Nice play, get him at third, get him at third!" "Got him!" " Did they win?" " What?" "Did they win?" "No, no, it was just a great fucking play." "Didn't yöu see that?" "No, I blinked and then something happened that made yöu dance." "That's the thing about this game, yöu gotta stay in the moment." "Right?" "yöu can't worry about what's gonna happen, right, otherwise yöu're gonna miss..." "Miss the best part." "(BAT STRIKES BALL)" "(CROWD CHEERING AND APPLAUDING)" "yöu know, she just needs a little..." "Wait, push!" "Move yöur leg!" "Push!" "I'll make a deal with yöu." "yöu can talk if yöu put the pillow under yöur stomach." "Okay." "Put it under yöur stomach." "Right there." "Right there." "Don't move, don't move." "I got it!" "I got it!" "That's it!" "That's it." "Game over!" "That's it!" "DANNY:" "My father used to bring me here after every game." "yöur dad brought yöu to a bar?" "Casey's is more than just a bar." "I mean, just look around." "It's rich." "Um, is there another room?" "Stop, stop." "Stop.." "(LAUGHS)" "This place is like a second home to me." "I've been coming here since I was..." "Since yöu could wrap yöur chubby little fingers around a baseball." "Oh, yöu used to be chubby!" "So cute." "No, he's just..." "That's really cute." "See, that's an entirely different story." "All right, I gotta go." "I'll be back." "CASEY:" "Sorry, pal." "yöu and his dad still friends?" "No, he fucked me over." "Died of bone cancer 20 years ago." "(GROANS)" "Were yöu guys close?" "Yeah." "My best friend." "Really?" "What?" "Nothing." " What?" " Just interesting." "What's interesting?" "Danny has never brought a lady into this bar before." "Really?" "I'm the first?" "Swear on Jackie Robinson's grave." "Another first." "Well, that was good." "I like that." "(CLICKS TONGUE)" "(MOANING)" "Wait." "Wait, wait." "yöu need to stretch or something?" "This isn't just sex, right?" "Well, this is technically sex, babe." "Yes." "There's a couple variants of this theme that we could do, but for the most part, it's sex." "I know, but we mean something to each other, right?" "Yeah." "What..." "Like, yes." "So, am I yöur girlfriend?" "Um..." "Damn!" "Yeah, (STAMMERING) yöu my girlfriend!" " Really?" " Yes!" "And yöu feel something for me?" "Yes." "yöu do?" "Yes." "yöu feel it?" "I feel it." "yöu feel it?" "Oh, God." "I feel something." "Oh, hit me again, baby." "(GRUNTS)" "Oh!" "Bitch!" "What?" "Knock yöur damn head off!" "That's my ear!" "(TEARFULLY) yöu told me to hit yöu again." "Yeah, I didn't say hit me hard like that!" "Did yöu have to call me a name?" "yöu yelled at me." "I didn't mean to do it like that." "yöu hit me in my ear." "I didn't know it was yöur ear..." "I can't hear yöu!" "I didn't know it was yöur fucking ear!" "Say it in the other fucking ear!" "(SCREAMING)" "I'm sorry!" "I didn't mean to hit yöu!" "I'm upset!" "Right." "Goddamn!" "Okay." "Call me yöur girlfriend again." "All right." "yöu're my girlfriend." "Give me a kiss!" "yöu keep yelling at me." "yöu're my girlfriend." "I'm yöur..." "Huh?" "(YELLING) I'm yöur girlfriend!" "So, is it true?" "Is what true?" "yöu've never brought a lady there before?" "He told yöu that?" "yöu're the first." "So, what now?" "MAN:♫ Inyöurhead♪" "♫ I see the pain in yöur eyes ♪" "♫ I'll stay another night ♪" "♫ It's okay ♪" "DEBBIE:" "When's yöur birthday?" "December fifth." "Parents still together?" "Divorced when I was 13." "How about yöu?" "It's just my mom." "She's in D.C. She's gonna retire as a school teacher, so..." "Only child?" "Yeah." "Why do I feel like I'm being quizzed, and if I get something wrong, we're gonna break up?" "(GASPS)" "Did yöu just confirm that we're dating?" "Guess I let the cat out of the bag." "I think the cat's been out of the bag and wandering the room for some time now." "Mmm..hmm." "Meow." "(CHUCKLES) Meow." "Meow." "(CHUCKLES)" "I love this." "DEBBIE:" "What annoys yöu most?" "Amusement parks." "Hmm." "What?" "Do yöu also hate America?" "I can't stand the concept of organized fun." "yöu know, it's like, have fun now!" "yöu know, do it now!" "It's like New Year's Eve, yöu know?" "Resolution now!" "Better life now!" "Absolutely not." "New Year's is awesome." "yöu're just stupid." "What?" "yöu're stupid." "yöur face is stupid." "yöur penis is stupid." "My what?" "yöur penis, ow!" "(LAUGHS) Is what?" "Anytime I can give yöu a hand." "I love this movie." "Yeah, I love this movie, too." "yöu like chick flicks?" "It's not a chick flick." "This is a dude's movie." "Chick." "Dude." "Chick." "Chick." "Dude." "Dude." "Chick." "See?" "Shit. yöu fucking..." "Okay, okay." "(LAUGHS)" "I see." "I don't want this to end." "I hate Sunday afternoons." "It's like, countdown to reality." "I normally play marathon sessions of All Star Battle Royale." "I usually masturbate and watch old episodes of House." "Yep." "That's good." " yöu like that?" " (LAUGHS)" "Mmm." "I don't even want to check my phone." "Fuck it." "We'll do it together." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "Count of three." "Uh..huh." "One, two, three." "(BEEPS)" "BOTH:" "Shit." "Bernie Litko is an asshole!" "And I liked him." "I really liked him." "I was so into him." "And now I hope he gets hit by a car and doesn't die, but his dick gets paralyzed." "And he can only have sex through a series of hand signals." "Slow down." "Slow down." "What happened?" "Um, excuse me." "yöu can't drink in here." "Alcohol only after 6:00 P.M." "Well, isn't it after 6:00 P.M. in Korea?" "I don't know." "I'll call my grandmother in China and ask her if she knows any Koreans." "Nice." "(SPEAKS NATIVE DIALECT) Bitch." " Did she just call me a bitch?" " Stop it!" "(SIGHS)" "He broke..." "Up with me." "Get out of here." "Here's the thing." "I explained to her, I said, technically, we're not even boyfriend and girlfriend, so, technically, yöu can't break up with me." "Did she give yöu a reason for not technically breaking up with yöu?" "She's a woman, Danny." "I mean, she bitched about a few minor things." "See, my parents..." "Are coming to town and I'm like, "I want to meet them."" "And he's like, "No way."" "And I'm like, "Why not?" And he goes, "Because yöu're not Jewish."" "He's..." "Jewish?" "How did I not know that?" "A, because I'm not." "And B, because when yöu and I were fucking, yöu never asked to meet my parents." "True." "And, so what?" "I dropped the Jew bomb." "She can't say anything about it." "If she does, she's racist." "Bernie, dropping the Jew bomb after months of fucking her?" "Real mature." "Don't do that, Danny." "Don't judge me." "I like Joan." "I think Joan is great in bed." "I think the girl's ass should be worshipped by indigenous peoples." "But when yöu start talking about girlfriend and boyfriend, and meeting the parents, it's exit time for me." "Whoa, weren't yöu the one that said get in or get out?" "Part of getting in, genius, is knowing when to get..." "Ouch!" "yöu're not listening." "I had to break up with him because I'm not Jewish." "What kind of weak ass man..." "Hold up, hold up, hold up." "I thought yöu said he broke up with yöu." "Well, he did." "Because I did the only thing a red blooded woman can do in that situation." "I forced an ultimatum." "yöu choose me, or yöu choose yöur family and heritage." "And he chose 3,000 years of beautiful tradition." "Can yöu believe that asshole?" " How's Bernie?" " Fine." "How's Joan?" "Fine." "How's work?" "Good. yöu?" "Great." "I'm hungry, woman." "Let's go." "Voilà." "There it is." "yöu know, yöu could really use a dining room table in here." "Oh, my God." "Someone stole my dining room table." "And a dining room." "Holy shit." "I'm serious." "What do yöu do when yöu have people come over?" "I don't have people over." "Hello." "What am I?" "Special." "Mmm." "Thank yöu." "Come here." "(MOANS)" "I thought about yöu all day." "I thought about me all day, too." "yöu're such a dick." "(BOTH MOANING)" "Been wearing that backpack for longer than three weeks now." "yöu're officially a lesbian." "Some of us don't live here or roll out of bed looking perfect." "yöu do." "Thank yöu." "Good morning." "Good morning." "Coming back tonight?" "Mmm..hmm." "I gotta go by my place first, get some more clothes for tomorrow." " yöu coming back tomorrow night?" " Mmm..hmm." "And the night after that?" "Yep." "I am." "Why?" "What's wrong?" "Well, yöu're just always here." "Okay." "So, leave some stuff." "Take a drawer." "A drawer?" "A whole drawer for little old me?" "Really, Danny?" "Yeah." "yöu sure?" "It's kind of a big deal." "Mmm." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "Keys." "A drawer and keys?" "Somebody pinch me." "Really." "Keep talking that shit and I will make sure yöu are late for work." "(DEBBIE LAUGHS)" "JOAN:" "Mmm." "Mmm..mmm. yöu know what?" "I knew it." "I knew it." "I knew this would happen." "I knew yöu would move in with this guy!" "I just feel that adults don't have roommates." "They live with their significant others." "So, I am now suddenly a child because yöu found a guy yöu think yöu like?" "No, but Danny and I talked about it..." "For what?" "Five minutes in bed?" "Joan, I'm giving yöu two months extra rent until yöu find someone else." "I just didn't think yöu were one of those girls who drops her friends the second she gets regular dick." "Nice." "So, um, let me get this straight." "I finally meet someone that I really care about, and yöu think that I should force a breakup, sit around stuffing my face and complain constantly." "I'm down if yöu are." "If yöu want yöur 30s to be a blur of parties, punctuated by teeth cleanings, that's great." "That's yöur life." "I just want something different." "That means being spontaneous." "yöu know what?" "yöu are such a wild card." "That's why yöu're packing a week before the U.." "Haul gets here, huh, Deb?" "Great. yöu know what?" "Go, go!" "Just go!" "I give it two months." "Three, tops!" "And this is my shit, damn it!" "(GROANS)" "BERNIE:" "When I said get in or get out, I didn't mean go put a loaded gun to yöur damn head." "There's nothing loaded gun about this." "What are yöu talking about?" "We're great together, all right?" "This is just the next step." "Off a cliff?" "It's not funny, man." "Like yöu're laughing." "Dude, do yöu think it's about to be free blowjobs for the rest of yöur life?" "(LAUGHING) Is that what yöu're thinking?" "That's not the case, man." "yöu don't even get it." "yöur life is over." "No more going out all night." "yöu understand that?" "That's done." "One night stands?" "Over." "Yo, do yöu hear that?" "I hear something." "Where's it coming from?" "I don't know..." "Oh, it's coming from right here." "It's the nail hitting the damn coffin." "(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS) yöu don't even get it. yöur life is over, dude." "I know she just saw me." "Hey, sweet pea." "Excuse me?" "(CHUCKLES)" "Don't call me sweet pea." "And also..." "Fuck off." "All right, babe." "I'll just, um... (CLEARS THROAT)" "(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS) yöu need to wipe that damn smirk off yöur face." "yöu'll be me in T-minus two months." "yöu hear me?" "Right on." "Will yöu stop with the hands?" "What's yöur problem?" "(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)" "♫ What do we have?" "♪" "♫ Another pretty thing ♪ ♫ ready for me to grab ♪" "(MUSIC STOPS)" "Hey, Joan, listen." "I know this must suck for yöu..." "Bite me!" "Blow me!" "See what I'm saying?" "I ain't never disrespect yöu like that." "Joan!" "Miss that?" "Miss it like having a growth removed!" "(MUSIC RESUMES)" "♫ Well, let me think let me ♪ ♫ think Ah, what should I do?" "♪" "♫ So many eager yöung bunnies ♪ ♫ that I'd like to pursue ♪" "(GLASS SHATTERING)" "(EXCLAIMS SHRILLY)" "♫ wearing out ♪ ♫ the palm of my hand ♪" "♫ Bur when I play, When I play ♪" "♫ I never stay, I never stay ♪" "♫ To every girl that I meet, ♪ ♫ yeah, this is what I say ♪" "I wanna talk to yöu, man." "All that stuff I was saying to yöu about hmm... about her potentially being Alison," "I didn't mean it, man." "I'm seeing a difference in yöu." "And I feel like it's because of her." "I'm kind of, like, jealous." "A little bit." "I'm really happy for yöu, Danny." "Really?" "Fuck, no!" "This is stupid!" "(MOCKING) "Really?" "Are yöu really happy?"" "♫ Run run run away, ♪ ♫ run away, baby ♪" "♫ Before I put ♪ ♫ my spell on yöu I ♪" "I think it looks pretty." "Pillows are pretty." "And, yöu know, curtains and..." "We don't really need curtains, 'cause, yöu know, we have shades." "Yeah, no." "Decorative." "I don't need this many pillows." "No, we do." "I just wanna get rid of all of them." "See?" "What are yöu doing?" "Ow!" "Okay." "All right." "(LAUGHING)" "Ow!" "(GRUNTS) (BOTH LAUGHING)" "DANNY:" "Wow, what have yöu been up to?" "Do yöu like it?" "I mean, if not, the salesman said that I can send it back." "A dining room table?" "Yeah." "Just in time for Thanksgiving." " Thanksgiving?" " Yeah." "I was thinking we could invite some of our friends over for Thanksgiving dinner." "Since we're co-habitating now." " (GRUNTS)" " It's my favorite holiday." "So, what do yöu think?" "Do yöu like it?" "Be honest." " yöu did great." " I did?" "yöu did really great." "I did, didn't I?" "Hope yöu're hungry." "I ordered a large pizza." "Pepperoni." "Okay." "Um, how long ago did yöu order this pizza?" "Why?" "Wondering how much time we had." "Oh, my God." "Where is he?" "I'm starving." "(STAMMERING) (DOOR BELL BUZZES)" "There he is." "Perfect." "I'm hungry as a motherfucker." "Let's go." " Looking for these?" " Yeah." "Yeah." "Yeah." "No, yöu don't need them." "So I go to the door naked?" "Yeah, go to the door like that." "Come on, the pizza's getting cold." "I won't answer the door naked." "Can I get my underwear, please?" "Come on, I dare yöu." " yöu what?" " I dare yöu." " yöu dare me?" " I double dare yöu." " yöu double dare me?" " Yeah." " For real?" " Yeah." "Shit." "All right, woman." "No, wait!" "Wait, wait." "Let me see." "(BUZZING)" " Come on." " I just like looking at yöu." "I appreciate it." "Thank yöu." "Can we eat tonight?" "Okay, fine. ah" "(BUZZING) yöu throw like a girl." "(LAUGHS)" "I'll get the plates." "Yeah." "(CELL PHONE RINGING)" "(DOOR CLOSED)" "(PHONE RINGING)" "What is it?" "I forgot we have the same phone." "(PHONE CONTINUES RINGING)" "Listen." "(MANS)" "She has a psycho antenna that tells her," ""Somewhere out there, Danny is happy." ""And I should swoop in and blow it all to shit." I just ignore her." "Yeah, but yöu're not ignoring it." "yöu're letting it ring." "See, if I ignore it, it goes straight to voice-mail, right?" "And then she knows I ignored it." "Then she sticks a pin in a voodoo doll." "Wait a minute." "People know when yöu hit the ignore button?" "Yeah." "No one ever told me that!" "yöu're such a fucking nerd." "(CHUCKLES) We don't need to make this about us." "This is just Alison being crazy." "I mean, we moved in together after a 10 minute conversation." "yöu know what?" "We gave it our best shot." "yöu're right." "We should just call U.." "Haul... yöu never said yöu wanted this." "I just spent a week rearranging my life and moving yöu in." "Does that not say I want to do this?" "Are we fighting right now?" "Is this our first fight?" "Yeah, and it's like we're coming out of the gate pretty strong." "I need to hear yöu say it." "I wanna do this." "Why?" "I want, like, a home." "I haven't had one in a long time, and yöu being here makes this place a home." "That's so amazing." "Yeah?" "Can we always be honest like this?" "Absolutely." "What level of honesty would yöu prefer?" ""I don't like it when yöu play Rihanna music" honest?" "Or "I imagine a threesome with yöu and Rihanna" honest?" "I'm..." "I'm I'm good either way." "(LAUGHS)" "God, I love yöu." "I love yöu, too." "I'm gonna get those plates." "(SIGHS)" "BERNIE:" "No, no, no, Danny!" "Who said it first?" "She did." "But I don't think she meant to." "Women approach that phrase with a tactical strategy normally reserved for an anti terrorist strike team." "I think it was just an accident." "This was no accident." "That was an ambush." "This was definitely..." "The worst thing yöu could do." "It's not like I planned it." "It just came out." "Well, it's a disaster." "Let's just go to his place, move yöur stuff out, start a new life in another state." "Disappear." "Join Witness Protection because yöu're fucked." "Is it that bad to be the first one to say it?" "Yes, it is!" "And yöu know why?" "Why?" "Because in every relationship everywhere, there is a person who cares more than the other person." "And whoever says "I love yöu" first..." "Cares more!" "That other person's gotta match that level of caring." "Which is impossible because she will always care more!" "Now yöu're saying things like, "I don't know if I feel the same way."" "So, yöu're saying we should have just counted to three and maybe said it at the same time?" "That's not what I'm saying, Ike." "When yöu were with Alison, who said "I love yöu" first?"" "Oh, shit." "Exacto mundo, man." "Hey, Daddio, we didn't order these." "They did." "Them bitches over there?" "BARTENDERI Yep." "BOTH:" "I love Halloween." "I hate Halloween." "Wait, who are yöu, by the way?" "What's yöur costume?" "Are yöu Rod Stewart in drag?" "I'm Tina Turner." "Oh." "It makes more sense when I stand next to Danny." "Right, like that's not a metaphor for something." "There they are." "My only regret is that he didn't let me clean his teeth." "I bet that fuckers like the Sistine Chapel of hardened plaque." "Divide and conquer?" "Let's do it." "BERNIE:" "All right, so let me break it down for yöu." "The slutty angel, she likes anal." "All right?" "And the slutty nurse, she likes to say "Daddy" while she's having sex." "That's her thing." "No shit." "And the slutty nun, Oh, it's on with the slutty nun." "(CHUCKLING)" "Well, here's to another night of sexual perversity in Los Angeles, baby." "Wait." "No, I'm not gonna do that." "I'm not toasting with yöu to that." "That's not yöur world no more." "yöu've been banished into the world of couples' costumes, Danny." "That's right." "I don't know anything that's more emasculating than that." "Who the hell are yöu supposed to be?" "I mean, aren't yöu cold?" "I am Channing Tatum." "Channing Tatum never gets cold." "Church." "(GRUNTS)" "Ike, baby." "Hey, how's it going?" "I gotta meet a client in the morning, so I can't stay too long." "Ah, baby." "It's a holiday." "yöu gotta work tomorrow?" "It's a kids' holiday and grown ups have to work tomorrow." "That's a great attitude to have." "Why don't yöu just tell him that there's no Santa Claus?" "Aren't yöu Jewish?" "JOAN:" "Who are yöu waving those singles at?" "Mmm..mm." "There ain't no magic in that mini Mike." "yöu see what I'm talking about?" "Take yöur little drink." "Get on the way." "Uh..huh." "I have this." "What is she..." "Joan!" "Uh..uh. yöu better not..." "Hey, Joan!" "What did yöu just say to them?" "Nothing." "I just told them yöu gave me herpes." "That I have..." "I don't have fucking herpes, Joan!" "(MUSIC STOPS)" "Uh..oh." "(CHUCKLES)" "Promise me we'll never end up like them." "Ali's fair, Bitchko." "What are yöu gonna do, cry about it?" "Yo, yöu are sick." "yöu're gone, Joan." "If yöu didn't have a pussy, there would be a bounty on yöur head!" "Can we go home now?" "Come on, little mama, let's split." "JOAN: yöu are a psychopathic social misfit who's clearly in the middle of a deep homosexual panic." "Oh, if I'm gay, it's only because after fucking yöu for three months, that seems like the next logical step to lake!" "I would rather chase another man's ass than fuck yöu again, Joan!" "Homosexual panic!" "Homosexual panic!" "Oh, that's a panic?" "That's a panic?" "This is a panic!" "(GASPS) yöu got no idea what I'll do to yöu." "yöu better make it count, motherfucker, 'cause yöu won't get a second one!" "yöu make me mad!" "(BOTH SCREAMING)" "I hate yöur guts!" "Get away. yöu get away!" "yöu better lose my number." "yöu lose it!" "I'm gonna lose the memory that yöu ever lived!" "(SCREAMS)" "(GROANS)" "Security!" "Security!" "BERNIE:" "Uh..uh." "Uh..uh." "Hey, dude, when I tell yöu last night got crazy... yöu remember the slutty chicks, right?" "We start doing shots." "We do, like, fucking 16 shots, back to back." "yöu should have stayed instead of leaving like a little whipped punk bitch." "Yeah, I'm super jealous of yöu right now." "Tell yöu something, if yöu're gonna scream at me, don't talk to me." "I'm talking in a totally normal voice right now." "yöu know, I don't need to party." "Okay." "I can have a perfectly enjoyable night at home, man." "That's what yöu're gonna do, yöu're gonna try to sell me on that shit?" "Keep talking, sell me on it." "Well, Debbie has this thing with..." "Why don't yöu just shut the hell up?" "I don't wanna hear it, give a shit about that!" "yöu and yöur life at home with Debbie." "I got a damn hangover!" "Feel like a bunch of bees stinging me in my face!" "(FEEDBACK SQUEALING)" "KELLER:" "Daniel Martin, please come to my office." "Daniel Martin." "Am I a lost kid at Chuck E. Cheese?" "Why does he insist on using that?" "Hey, buddy." "Uh, this is Mr. Savelson, Mr. Greenberg from corporate." "Uh, they're here to talk to yöu about yöur accounts." "Uh, specifically Casey's and how he hasn't, um, paid us." "(CHUCKLES)" "That's it." "Should be one, two, buckle my shoe." "So let's huddle up." "We'll have a nice little chat." "Mano..a..mano..." "A..mano..a..mano." "There's four people in this scenario." "CASEY:" "They can't cut me off." "I've been giving them business for years." "I always pay eventually." "There's no more "eventually."" "I wanna talk to them." "They can't do this to people." "There is no "They"!" "It's a gigantic company." "I don't even know who my boss' boss is." "They don't care about yöu or yöur bar." "Ah." "What about yöu, Danny?" "Do yöu care?" "(SPORTSCAST PLAYING)" "Hey." "Hey." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "Don't forget about the thing tonight." "Ah, shit, Debbie." "Come on, yöu said yöu'd go." "I want yöu to meet the people I work with." "Fine." "But I'm inviting Bernie!" "Fine." "Then I'm inviting Joan." "Fine." "Fine." "Fine." "Fine!" "Fine." "Fine." "(MOUTHING) I heard that!" "DANNY:" "Hey, man." "Thanks for showing up." "BERNIE:" "Anytime." "So, dude, what are yöu, like, auditioning for her co-workers right now?" "yöu know, I'm supporting her." "Financially, is that what yöu're talking about?" "Actually, no." "I mean, she might make more money than me." "She might make more money than yöu?" "What the hell are yöu talking... yöu know damn well she makes more money than yöu." "Stop it, Danny. yöu know what yöu are in this picture?" "Okay, let's say her life is like a bike, right?" "Dude, yöu wouldn't be the tire, yöu wouldn't be the handlebar." "yöu wouldn't even be the damn seat." "Danny, yöu know what yöu would be?" "yöu would be the little bell on the front of the bike." "yöu know, the bell that people ring to let people know they're coming." "(IMITATES BELL RINGING) Yeah." ""Here I come." "Look how perfect my life is."" "(IMITATES BELL RINGING)" "That's what yöu would be." "A fucking bell." "Oh, my God." "Hello." "Sweetie, I'm talk..." "Okay." "Lesbian." "I don't think so." "I can't stand coming to stuff like this." "Everybody walking around with their nose all up in the air." "Bunch of rich people with attitudes." "yöu understand these are the type of people that Debbie's hanging around with." "That means these are the type of people that yöu have to hang around with in order lo continue to be that little bell on her bike, man." "Ring, ring." "Food for thought." "Hey, is that Joan right there?" "DANNY:" "Ooh!" "Yeah, I'm gonna leave yöu to it." "Ring, ring." "(SIGHS) yöu look good, Joan." "(SIGHS)" "By good, I do mean tremendous." "Listen, I was thinking... yöu were thinking?" "yöu shouldn't do that, yöu'll hurt yöurself." "That's what I miss." "So damn feisty, Joan." "Why don't yöu go bother some other girl?" "Maybe I don't want to bother some other girl." "Maybe I want some feisty." "Here yöu go." "Uh..." "Hmm." "A rum and coke." "Light ice, though." "I don't like a lot of ice." "(CHUCKLES)" "Bernie, this is, um..." "Oh, wow." "I'm sorry." "yöur name is escaping me because I'm distracted by how straight and white yöur teeth are." "Derek, like Jeter." "Right." "Yeah." "Derek, this is Bernie, like Madoff." "(CHUCKLES)" "He has gingivitis as a result of not flossing enough." "Hey, what's up, man?" "The hell am I supposed to do with that?" "Well, normal people shake it." "I'm not normal." "Bernie's gonna go to a shitty dive bar now and pick up some chick with low self esteem." "Nah, I'm gonna go home." "The only chick with low self esteem that I wanted tonight is yöu." "(RB PLAYING FAINTLY)" "Look, I'm telling yöu." "yöu wanna clear 400 K at the end of the year without lifting a finger?" "yöu invest." "Passive income." "That's how yöu're gonna pay yöur taxes." "Danny, what do yöu do?" "Honey." "He wants to know what yöu do." "Restaurant supply." "Interesting." "In what aspect?" "I work." "Active income." "It's kind of a 'cause and effect thing." "yöu actually work, someone actually pays yöu for the work." "It's an experimental thing a few companies are trying." "Danny's a salesman." "I can see." "I mean, he's really selling me on something." "So how did yöu and Debbie meet?" "We're cousins." "Danny." "(CHUCKLES)" "Hey, I'm just trying to make conversation." "Okay, chief." "Don't let me stop yöu." "Excuse me for a second." "(BELL DINGS)" "What the hell was that?" "That was Steven, wiping his dick with money that could save people's businesses." "That's what that was." "Why are yöu so angry?" "Who said I'm angry?" "What do yöu call this?" "Calm?" "My boss is not why yöu're mad, Danny." "yöu're scared about something." "I'm not scared." "Talk to me!" "I hate my job." "It means I have to do things that I know aren't right, and I hate it." "Then quit." "I can't." "Why not?" "Because I have yöu now." "I can't do that." "I appreciate yöu wanting me to follow my dream, baby, but it's just unrealistic." "Baby, if yöu're holding on to this job because of me, yöu're doing it for the wrong reasons." "yöu say that, but yöu don't mean it." "How do yöu know what I mean?" "I know it because yöu're a well put together person and yöu want me to be a part of all that." "This shit isn't pretty, all right!" "yöu will run when I cannot be what yöu want!" "I'm not Alison!" "(SIGHS)" "(MUTTERS)" " (KNOCKING)" " KELLER:" "Hey, buddy, yöu wanna sit down?" "(CLEARS THROAT) yöu know, I'm not really good at communicating except with my Japanese love doll." "(CHUCKLES)" "There goes my sense of humor again." "Right, right." "What's up, Keller?" "(CLEARS THROAT) So since..." "Two weeks after our meeting with corporate, a delivery went out to Casey's." "It's probably a computer glitch or something." "Nope." "No, I actually authorized that delivery." "Right." "Okay." "Well, since yöu violated and misappropriated company materials," "I'm gonna have to... yöu know..." "Because yöu... yöu leave me no recourse, Danny." "(COUGHS)" "Danny..." "I'll tell yöu what." "I'll make it easier on yöu." "Come on, Danny!" "Danny, don't be mad, man." "What're yöu doing?" "Are yöu mad at me?" "Where yöu going, man?" "I'm walking out." "That's what people do when they quit." "yöu can't quit." "Oh, yeah?" "Watch me." "Hey, can yöu hold that for a second?" "Yeah." "Oh, shit!" "What?" " Thanks, man." "I'll see yöu later?" " Yeah." "All right, cool." "yöu can't quit because yöu're fired!" "Go fuck yöurself." "(SLOW CLAPPING) yöu're still on for the company picnic, right?" "Sure am." "Yep." "DANNY:" "There yöu are." "Baby, yöu were right." "Just screw that place." "I quit." "Good for yöu." "What's going on?" "I thought we were being careful." "We are." "I just switched birth control..." "Wait." "We haven't had sex in forever." "We had sex three days ago." "Used to have sex every day." "It takes two people to have sex, Danny." "What is that supposed to mean, Debbie?" "Nothing." "I'm not pregnant." "(SUMS) Thank God." "Wow." "Wait, are yöu disappointed?" "Look, Debbie." "I just quit my job." "I'm not..." "I'm relieved." "I'm relieved." "Yeah?" "Good." "(EXHALES)" "So now we got two reasons to celebrate, right?" "Yeah. (LAUGHS) Mmm." "Yep." "yöu want a beer?" "Love one." "DEBBIE:" "Cranberry sauce, onions for stuffing." "Oh, is Bernie coming tomorrow?" "Because I should warn Joan." "I'll ask." "I'm gonna see him tonight." "yöu going out tonight?" "Yeah, it's Trent's birthday, we always go out." "Oh." "I didn't tell yöu that?" "No, no." "It's fine." "It's a tradition, yöu know?" "I mean, we do it every year." "We can still see our friends outside of each other, right?" "(LAUGHS) Of course." "Why are yöu..." "Are we arguing?" "No, we're talking." "yöu don't want me to go out?" "No, do what yöu wanna do." "yöu don't want me to go out the night before Thanksgiving." "No, baby." "I'm just confused." "Okay?" "yöu said that we were gonna make Thanksgiving dinner together." "It's my favorite holiday." "This is not a problem at all." "Tomorrow morning we will wake up, we will whip up something special." "I'll make sweet potato pie." "(GASPS)" "Okay?" "It's still gonna be yöur favorite holiday." "We're gonna do it together." "Okay?" "Thank yöu." "Are we making up?" "We weren't fighting." "Can we make up anyway?" "Lay it on me." "(LAUGHING)" "(DOG BARKING)" "Look." "Aw!" "Look at all the doggies!" "(GASPS) Can I hold it?" "Of course." "They need good homes." "On!" "(LAUGHS)" "Ah, baby, isn't he cute?" "Yeah, he's adorable." "Look at yöu." "yöu're a little Chewbacca." "This is our dog." "yöu wanna be our doggie?" "Our dog?" "Wouldn't it be great?" "Walks in the park, snuggles." "Baby, yöu know, they chew stuff up, they poop on floors." "yöu're just gonna let him kiss yöu in the mouth, huh?" "Just, wow." "It's a lot of responsibility, baby." "Thank yöu." "What's wrong?" "Nothing." "What happened?" "Nothing." "Come on." "Just tell me." "No, I just feel ready, but yöu don't, so we aren't." "It's cute." "It's cool." "Cool." "Now we are arguing." "Hey, should we get a dog?" "yöu talking about collectively, as a group?" "I'm allergic." "I like Rottweilers." "I'm not getting a dog." "'Cause yöu wouldn't take care of it, Trent, yöu're irresponsible." "What do yöu mean I'm not gonna take care of it?" "I love dogs." "I'd be stuck cleaning up shit." "And I'm not cleaning up dog shit." "Debbie, the woman I live with, is interested in procuring an animal for us to domesticate." "Isn't she too busy domesticating yöu?" " (GRUNTS)" " Is it that bad?" "Yes, it's that bad." "Dude, yöur balls are in yöur goddamn vagina right now." "Dogs are practice babies." "Don't do it." "I have an idea." "How about yöu get out of there?" "I can't get out of there." "I live there." "It's my place." "Wait, I got it." "Fake yöur own death." "Drop the Jew bomb." "I'm not Jewish." "Details." "Everything with yöu is about details, Danny." "Just lie." "Casey, put it on my tab, huh?" "Good night." "Hey, real quick." "Before yöu go, sir." "Trent, that's yöur future." "Probably." "Okay." "Good night." "Hey, be safe, man." "Danny, watch the bar for a sec." "I gotta put this highly functioning citizen into a cab." "Yep." "Casey!" "yöu see me right here, yöu couldn't choose me?" "Putting Danny back there is like putting a fox in a hen house!" "The fuck yöu assholes want?" "Let me get some 1800." "Two beers." "I like that little towel over yöur shoulder." "Looks like a matador." "I learned the tricks of the trade from the legendary drunks." "Hemingway, Bukowski, yöur dad." "My dad now." "Any job that lets me drink yöu guys under the table is fine with me." "I'm sorry, what did yöu say, Isaac?" "Is that a challenge?" "Well, yöu know what?" "Possibly." "I might just meet yöu halfway, my friend." "Tomorrow's a holiday." "I don't have shit to do." "Where do we hang these guys?" "Here, I got yöu." "Isaac, stop asking dumb questions, man." "Let's do this." "(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)" "BERNIE:" "Ha ha!" "Do it!" "yöu better fucking do it!" "(SCREAMS IN PAIN)" "(ALL YELLING)" "TRENT:" "Fuck yöu!" "(SCREAMS)" "Go, go, go, go, 90!" "All the way." "All the way." "All the way!" "(WHOOPS)" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "What time is it?" "Almost noon." "Shit, Deb, listen." "I'm really sorry." "Can yöu get the Turkey out of the oven?" "I think it's done." "What can I do to help?" "yöu can take the Turkey out of the oven." "I think it's done." "(CHOPPING)" "Okay." "And yöu can be unequivocally supportive of everything I do for the next 24 hours." "(CLATTERING)" "(QUIETLY) Oh, boy." "(LATIN LOUNGE MUSIC PLAYING)" "Bernie!" "Hey." "Give me some." "Happy holiday, boy." "Look at her ass." "Hey, this is my new love, Tracy." "I got yöu." "That bitch looks like Tracy Morgan." "(LAUGHS)" "Ah." "Ah." "I got yöu." "(GASPS) Does she have my fucking dress?" "BERNIE:" "Oh, let me get that." "Gobble, gobble." "Enchantée." "Did she just say, "Enchantée"?" "Come here, baby." "Let me introduce yöu to everybody else." "yöu didn't tell me she was coming." "Fellas, this is my new love, Tracy." "Tracy, meet the guys." "Nice to meet yöu." "Enchantée." "She's not French." "I can't take it." "No, shh!" "BERNIE:" "Dude, how long y'all been here?" "An hour." "Mmm." "Thank yöu." "FRANK:" "Game's about to come on." "BERNIE:" "Go, boy!" "Go, boy!" "Ay..oh!" "This could be a good year for them." ""Enchantée"." "This bitch is on my last nerve, Debbie." "I swear." "Here, take this." "No, I'll just get paranoid." "Right now paranoid would be relaxed for yöu." "Here." "I think her butt is fake." "It looks like a pad." "Do I seem different?" "yöu just had one hit." "No, no." "I mean, in general." "Well, it is a little weird that everyone's having a great time." "Especially Bernie." "And yöu're acting like a rodent on crack." "Danny said he'd help, but he got drunk last night. "Enchantée"." "So I had to do this entire goddamn spread." "I'm definitely prettier than her, right?" "And I'm overworking myself and not expressing my feelings, and officially becoming my mother." "If this bitch was any dumber, yöu'd have to water her." "Oh, God, it's worse than that." "I've become the person who says things like," ""Officially becoming my mother."" "Okay." "Now yöu're officially high." "Give me that back." "I gotta go handle some shit now." "(SIGHS)" "(SIREN WAILS IN DISTANCE)" "Danny." "Can yöu make sure people use the coasters?" "Would yöu like me to enforce this policy with an iron fist?" "Whatever yöu think is fine." "Wait a minute." "Baby?" "Hmm?" "Are yöu stoned?" "No." "Yes." "A little." "My forehead weighs so much right now." "BERNIE: yöu know what?" "I gotta liven this party up." "Come here, baby." "Uh..." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to take this time to make a toast to Danny and Debbie." "Without them, we'd be celebrating this holiday with binge drinking and weird sex." "Keep on drinking, people." "yöu could still get lucky." "Some of us have standards." "I'm sorry." "What did yöu say, Joan?" "Some of us have standards." "yöu know what's funny?" "Some of us are living proof that if yöu get drunk enough, those standards will drop significantly." "Obviously." "I fucked yöu." "yöu fucked what?" "yöu called it fucking?" "I didn't call it fucking." "Don't yöu dare treat me like some random chick!" "BERNIE: yöu better control it." "No, yöu control it." "Control it. yöu control it." "Bernie;" "Stop it." "yöu control it." "Don't." "Excuse me, what is yöur name?" "Oh, I'm..." "Exactly." "No one cares." "Because yöu are making a brief cameo in a very tragic porno." "BERNIE:" "Joan." "yöu and I. We meant something." "(QUIETLY) yöu felt something, Bernie." "yöu cried during sex with me." "I challenge any man in this room not to cry when they have sex with yöu, Joan." "(GASPS)" "Stop it." "Okay?" "I don't have time for this shit." "Happy Thanksgiving." "Sorry, baby." "Bring it over here." "Debbie, Danny, this is what yöu have to look forward to." "Joan, no, no, don't." "Joan, no!" "I am leaving!" " I'm leaving!" " JOAN:" "No, I am leaving!" "Stop!" "JOAN: yöu have a date here, Bernie!" "Kiss my ass!" " Leave me alone." " DEBBIE:" "Joan, don't go." "Tracy, can't yöu see I'm trying to storm out in dramatic fashion?" "Will yöu come on?" "Get yöur coat." "Joan, I'm leaving!" "yöu ain't gonna leave before I fucking leave!" "No, no, no!" "Yes, yes, yes!" "I am leaving!" "Get off the door!" "Get off the door, Joan!" "JOAN:" "Not yöur door!" "I open my own door!" "BERNIE: yöu don't even know how to open a fucking door!" "Don't yöu close it on me!" "JOAN:" "I don't want yöu going..." "yöu get away!" "Fuck yöu, Joan!" "Fuck yöu, Bernie!" "Fuck yöu!" "Fuck yöu!" "Fuck yöu!" "Fuck yöu back!" "BERNIE:" "Fine!" "Go!" "Go!" "Tracy, will yöu please?" "Shut up!" "yöu shut up!" "Shut up!" "Hey, Danny." "This was a great time, man." "Thanks." "All right?" "Save me a plate!" "(DOOR CLOSES)" "(CHUCKLES)" "(GUESTS GASP)" "Holy shit." "(SIGHS) That's not good." "Frosting, anyone?" "Hey." "What happened?" "I had this horrible nightmare that we had friends over for Thanksgiving." "Yeah." "It was a nightmare." "But yöu weren't dreaming." "Where are yöu going?" "I gotta run out." "(GROANS) (DOOR OPENS)" "(BARKS)" "(GASPS) on!" "Oh, my God!" "Hi, puppy!" "Danny, yöu got him!" "Yeah." "Hi!" "Oh, hug Mommy!" "Hug me." "DEBBIE:" "Baby." "Mmm." "He needs a good home, and we have that now." "Yes, we do." "DANNY:" "Yeah." "Thanks to yöu." "Hi!" "He's just like a little baby." "Yeah." "He's awesome." "BERNIE:" "Why don't yöu just pick the damn dog up, Danny?" "I can't." "He's gotta learn how to walk." "Just tell him to sit so yöu can at least look better." "yöu look stupid right now." "(FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING) Pacino." "Thanks for yöur time." "yöu have my résumé." "♫ Hurry now and don't be late ♪" "♫ 'Cause we ain't ♪ ♫ got time to chat ♪" "♫ yöu and me were going out ♪" "♫ To catch the latest sound ♪ yöu're doing good." "Come here." "Good luck out there." "Yeah." "♫ ...prepare yöurself ♪" "♫ For the rubber band man ♪" "♫ yöu never heard a sound ♪" "♫ Like the rubber band man ♪" "(CASEY EXCLAIMS IN DELIGHT) (BARKS)" "What do yöu think?" "Oh, my God." "What a surprise." "Hello, beautiful." "Come here." "Oh, he's adorable." "What's his name?" "His name's Pacino." "Pacino, this is Casey." "Hey, yöu talking to me?" "yöu talking to me?" "That's De Niro." "I'm De Niro talking to Pacino." "Come on." "Ah." "Right." "Yeah." "Casey, listen, um, I could use a favor." "Name it." "DEBBIE:" "Hey." "How was yöur first night bartending?" "It's fine." "Fine." "I thought yöu'd be sleeping." "Yeah, my flight's at 7:00." "I figured I'd stay up, sleep on the plane." "Mmm." "I wanted to see yöu." "Yeah." "yöu're only going to Chicago for two days." "I think we can go two days without seeing each other." "Yeah, but it's yöur first night." "yöu know what, Debbie?" "It's just an in between thing until I find a better job, okay?" "yöu don't need to make a big deal out of it." "(DANNY SUMS)" "Okay." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "What are we fighting about now?" "I don't know. yöu tell me, yöu're picking one." "DEBBIE:" "No, no, no, no, no!" "(GROANS) Bad dog!" "Damn it!" "My best shoe." "Why are yöu packing those anyway?" "Are yöu trying to look nice for Steven?" "yöu don't need to throw that in my face just to make yöurself feel better." "All I wanted to do was come home, watch Sports Center, drink a beer and go the fuck to sleep." "(SIGHS)" "So what, are yöu storming out now?" "I'm going to Joan's!" "I'll see yöu when I get back." "Why do yöu get to be the one to walk out?" "Because this is yöur apartment, moron." "(PACINO GRUNTS)" "Did Mommy just call me a moron?" "DEBBIE:" "I don't know what to do." "Should I call him?" "I don't wanna leave angry, but I am angry." "And if I pretend like I'm not, just so we get better, this entire thing is gonna start all over again." "Am I boring yöu?" "It is 5:30 in the morning." "Only Starbucks employees and babies are up at this hour." "I am exhausted and, yes, yöu are boring the shit out of me." "Just really want this to work, and I feel like he's giving up!" "Which only makes me work harder, and then I become the bitch." "(CELL PHONE CHIMES) Who's texting yöu at this hour?" "No, yöu don't want to know." "It's fine." "What should I do about Danny?" "Why do yöu want my advice all of a sudden?" "yöu moved in with him, despite all of my excellent advice not to." "(URINATING) yöu have my permission to move out if that's what yöu want." "Is somebody here?" "It's my new roommate." " Is it a guy?" " Basically." "Basically?" "(TOILET FLUSHES)" "After yöu abandoned me, I had to replace yöu." "(GROANS AND COUGHS)" "'SUP.." "Hi." "That bitch just took my last soy milk." "I hope she remembered to lift the toilet seat." "Please come back, Deb." "Please." "DEBBIE:" "So, whether in L.A. or here in Chicago, with Near Field Communication, yöu can take the music from yöur phone and, just like that, little tap, right in yöur ear." "Ah." "Yeah." "And just like that from yöur phone to yöur speaker." "(MUSIC PLAYING)" "Three Olives on the rocks." "Hi." "Alison." "I just got back from Paris." "I was hoping I'd run into yöu." "Just not behind the bar." "What happened?" "I hope this has nothing to do with me." "yöu are the 'cause of all things." "I know." "We can be friends, though, can't we?" "I could really use a friend right now and a drink." "Put yöur money away." "yöu look great." "So, how have yöu been?" "(TAPS BAR TOP)" "Living the dream." "Well, I can tell by yöur cold and distant demeanor, yöu must be seeing someone." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Debbie." "Oh, Debbie." "That's cute." "Ifs so high school." "Are yöu guys going steady?" "(CHUCKLES)" "I got other customers, Alison." "I'll be right here." "Thanks for the drink." "(SIGHS)" "Is yöur suite on this floor?" "No." "Stop." "He won't know." "But I would." "yöu're acting like yöu have a ring on yöur finger." "I don't need a ring on my finger." "Look at me." "Don't I look different?" "I'm crazy about this guy." "I live with him." "We have a life together." "Does he love yöu?" "If he doesn't, he's an idiot." "Hey." "yöu talking to me?" "I forgot what a nice guy yöu can be." "Yeah, I hate that about me." "(LAUGHS)" "Good night." "Night." "I don't know where she lives now." "She won't tell me." "Should I put her in a cab?" "CASEY: yöu can't put her in a cab like that." "Right." "Okay, so what should I do?" "Put her on a train." "Kidding." "We can't leave her here like that." "Okay." "Yeah." "Yeah, I got yöu." "I love it when yöu take such good care of me." "That's what I do." "This reminds me of the old times, huh?" "Really?" "Yeah." "Okay." "Do me a favor." "Just sit right here." "Yes, I will sit." "That's how yöu want me?" "(LAUGHS)" "(STAMMERING) Don't start." "yöu want it on the chair?" "yöu want us sitting?" "Oh!" "Okay." "Yeah." "(SIGHS) Yeah." "Damn." "Okay, all right." "Yeah." "I'm gonna go away right quick, okay?" "Okay." "That's great, yöu just hold onto that." "All right." "Be right back." "Stay right there." "I'll be right here." "(ENSUES)" "(PACINO BARKS)" "(GASPS) on." "yöu have a puppy?" "Hi, Puppy." "So cute." "(BARKS AND GROWLS)" "Pacino." "Sorry about that." "Here's some water." "Oh." "Water?" "Drink that." "L.A. tap." "(CONTINUES BARKING)" "Pacino, come here." "Good boy." "I'll be right back." "Be right here." "(LAUGHS)" "It's all right, kid." "I'll get her out of here." "I'm gonna call her a cab." "Right?" "Then I'm gonna jerk off like I do when Mommy's not here." "And sometimes when Mommy is here." "(WHINING INQUISITIVELY)" "Hi." "Hi." "yöu moved." "Yeah." "I just wanted to be more comfortable." "Hey, okay.." "It's a nice couch." "This Daisy girl really has changed yöu, Dan Dan." "H's Debbie." "And she hasn't changed me." "She makes me wanna change myself, all right?" "She pushes me." "It's good." "yöu like to be pushed, don't yöu?" "It's different with her, Alison." "(LAUGHING)" "Right." "All right." "Oh, my God." "No, this is not good." "Oh, shit, fuck." "Jeez." "(GROANS) yöu know what?" "yöu should go." "That would just be better." "Someone wants to play hard to get." "yöu're crawling." "Okay." "Come on, Dan Dan." "Give me a chance to do right by yöu." "That's exactly what I'm doing." "Trust me." "Are yöu sure about that?" "Yeah." "Yeah?" "Yeah, I'm sure." "Well, somebody else is telling me something very different." "(MOANS) Oh, yeah, don't listen to him, 'cause he gets me in trouble every time." "Here is yöur coat and purse." "Here's cab fare." "yöu're gonna regret this when yöu've got two kids and yöu're living in the suburbs, but I wish yöu well." "Mwah." "Call me when yöu're feeling horny." "What upsets me most is not that I had Alison over, or that she wanted my junk like never before." "It was crazy, dude." "Whew!" "But, yöu know, I have now become that guy who cares about the damn coaster." "On top of that, I'm gonna have to hear Debbie's mouth about it." "Let me tell yöu something." "I'd rather lick Pacino's ass before I heard a woman's mouth over some damn coasters." "yöu wanna lick my dog's ass, yöu might want to pet him first, homeboy." "Boom!" "Uh..huh!" "Suck on that, Stankbud NYC!" "Right between yöur eyes, bitch." "What?" "What'd yöu say?" "No, that's real funny." "yöu know what else is funny?" "The fact that yöu haven't seen alive actual vagina." "Yeah, I have." "Sucks to be 13, doesn't it?" "Whatever." "Scoreboard, bitch." "Hey, what am I supposed to do?" "What yöu're gonna do is play yöur side!" "All right, I got it!" "Stop yelling at me." "Get in the bunker, Danny!" "All right!" "I'm in!" "Just relax." "What yöu gonna do?" "Shouldn't love handle all this?" "I mean, love and yöur practice baby." "Seriously, yöu're like a gay couple staying together just for the damn dog." "(CELL PHONE RINGS) Pause it." "Seriously, my phone." "Pause it." "Who yöu texting?" "So nasty." "Nobody." "I just gotta send something." "(CHUCKLES)" "Hey, let me see, man." "What'd she send yöu?" "Come on, man." "Let me just live vicariously, man." "Come on." "I know yöu got photos in there, man." "No." "She sent yöu pictures, didn't she?" "Dude, it's none of yöur business." "Come on." "Let me see." "If I did..." "I can't let yöu see them." "Come on." "She got nice tities?" "Yo, stop being weird." "Seriously." "She got nice tities." "I knew it, man." "Let me see the phone." "Danny, yöu're freaking me out." "Bernie, let me see yöur phone." "It's my phone!" "Stop." "I'm not letting yöu..." "Danny, get off the phone, man!" "The first picture's my dick." "Where?" "Right there, man!" "Give me my phone." "DEBBIE:" "Did yöu sleep with her?" "No." "I'd rather yöu just tell me if yöu..." "I said, "No."" "Did yöu want to sleep with her?" "If I wanted to, I could have." "(JAZZY MUSIC PLAYING)" "(CELL PHONE RINGING)" "Bitch, did yöu just send me to ignore?" "Come on." "I have earned a courtesy ring through to voice mail." "I miss yöu." "Come out!" "Cab me." "♫ It's been a blue ♪" "♫ Holiday ♪" "♫ Darling, ♪ ♫ since yöu've been gone ♪" "Sorry." "♫ I need yöu ♪" "(CELL PHONE RINGING)" "♫ Darling, I need yöu ♪" "BERNIE:" "Wow." "Are yöu serious right now, Danny?" "That was such an obvious ignore button move." "Dude, where are yöu?" "Like, yöu're officially Mia right now." "Come be a friend." "Come get shit faced with yöur boy." "Bye." "Fuck him." "Merry Christmas, bitches. (LAUGHS)" "To yöu and me." "To us." "To a new year together." "(CELL PHONE RINGING)" "Yeah?" "BERNIE: yöu still grounded?" "Tell the ball and chain to lighten up and get yöur ass over here!" "Funny guy.." "BERNIE:" "It's New Year's, bitch!" "Talk to yöu later." "(GROANS)" "Bernie?" "What's left of him." "Everyone at the Broadway?" "Sounded like it." "Let's go." "Go where?" "To the Broadway." "Let's go." "Um..." "Are yöu sure?" "We have this..." "Yeah. yöu know, we should have some fun." "I need some fun." "I'll walk Pacino." "(WHISTLES)" "Here, boy. (CLAPS) (PACINO BARKS)" "(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)" "Hey, Danny!" "Over here!" "Bernie!" "BERNIE:" "Come over here!" "I got shots for yöu over here!" "Come on this side!" "Hey, mother..." "Look, I got it." "I'm good." "I'm all right!" "(LAUGHS)" "What's up, man?" "What up, baby?" "Here." "It'll make yöu all right." "Come on." "Yes, sir!" "Hey, Bernie!" "Hey." "Hey, Deb." "Happy new year!" "Slow down, man!" "What're yöu doing?" "Today's a holiday, baby." "No, no, no." "I only paid for one." "Hey." "(CHUCKLES)" "Danny." "Okay, okay." "Happy new year!" "(PEOPLE WHOOPING)" "BERNIE:" "All right." "Okay, slow down" "Danny, I'm going to the bathroom." "What?" "I'll be right back." "I love yöu, too." "Hey, cowboy, what's up?" "What, did yöu just get out of jail or something, man?" "Basically, yeah!" "BERNIE:" "All right, look, slow down!" "Okay?" "No, Danny." "For real, slow down." "Danny." "Danny, look at me." "That's like four in a row, man!" "Come on!" "One more round!" "Let's go!" "yöu didn't drive?" "No!" "yöu ain't gonna go and get all crazy in here." "Take this." "There yöu go." "Right there." "What is that?" "It's a hangover patch!" "Awesome!" "Okay!" "Happy new year!" "(PEOPLE CHEERING)" "Debbie!" "Oh, my God!" "I can't believe yöu're here!" "(GASPS) This is so great." "(STAMMERING) I can't do this." "No, listen." "We'll go, we're gonna find Danny and then..." "Danny just wants to be with his boys." "I don't even know why I'm here." "This isn't fun anymore." "So, we'll make it fun, Deb." "I'm done." "Okay?" "I'm calling a cab." "This is gonna be my year." "Right." "Yeah." "Stop that!" "I don't like that." "Stop." "Danny, I'm going home." "(LAUGHS) Wow." "Joan, yöu were right." "yöur friend is boring." "Hey, don't call my friend boring, dick breath." "Whoa!" "Joan." "Damn it, Joan!" "I was just joking." "Okay." "Shouldn't yöu be arguing with Bernie anyway?" "I mean, that's what yöu guys do best." "Don't disrespect me." "I'm not doing..." "BERNIE:" "What?" "yöu gonna throw me under the bus?" "Gonna bring it right here." "For no reason." "My bad." "Deb, listen, we just got here." "It's a party." "It's a celebration." "It's New Years Eve!" "Are yöu coming, or what?" "I really don't wanna spend tonight of all nights doing what we're gonna be doing all next year." "Fighting." "That's my cue." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "No." "No, Debbie, no!" "(QUIETLY) Fuck." "Fuck, I fucked that up." "Fucking wonderful, asshole!" "BERNIE: yöu fucked that up, I'll be the first to tell yöu that." "I'll see yöu later." "Yeah." " (GROANS)" " What was that?" "They getting good at that arguing shit, ain't they?" "Yes, I mean, that was some legendary Olympic 100 meter hurdle shit!" "Hey, we gotta step our game up." "Absolutely." "We gonna have to after that." "Oh, yeah." "CROWD:" "Nine, eight, seven..." "Here we go." "Six, five, four..." "Deb!" "Deb!" "Three, two, one!" "Happy new year!" "(CROWD CHEERING)" "♫ Should old acquaintance ♪ ♫ be forgot ♪" "♫ And never... ♪" "Happy new year." "BERNIE:" "Listen to me." "I can't stand yöur goddamn guts, girl." "It's the new year." "Give me a wet kiss." "Let me get one." "Come on." "(LAUGHING)" "That's what yöu do?" "Was it wet enough?" "It's just like yöur damn nasty tongue." "Jerk." "Happy new year, motherfucker." "Happy new year, asshole." "(BOTH LAUGHING)" "I'll be back tomorrow for the rest of my stuff." "Please don't be here." "Honestly?" "For a stupid New Year's Eve party, Deb?" "Come on." "No." "And yöu know it." "So why don't yöu just say it?" "(SIGHS)" "I'm not happy." "Yeah." "That's been completely obvious since Alison." "Stop acting like I cheated on yöu." "I never cheated on yöu." "I didn't realize it was such a sacrifice for yöu." "(ZIPPING SUITCASE) yöu think yöu're the only one who turned down sex from their ex?" "So yöu're not happy either?" "Why should we still try and do this?" "Because I love yöu, and just because shit is fucked up right now doesn't mean yöu stop trying." "(SIGHS)" "Deb." "Did yöu ever love me?" "Or was it just some really long one night stand?" "(SIGHS)" "I don't know." "God." "(SAD MUSIC PLAYING)" "(DOOR SLAMS)" "♫ Same bed but it feels ♪ ♫ just a little bit bigger now ♪" "♫ Our song on the radio ♪ ♫ but it don't sound the same ♪" "♫ When our friends ♪ ♫ talk about yöu ♪" "♫ All it does is just ♪ ♫ tear me down ♪" "♫ 'Cause my hearing breaks ♪ ♫ a little when I hear yöur name ♪" "♫ It all just sounds ♪ ♫ like ooh ♪" "JOAN:" "Let me see." "Is there anything else she wanted me to pick up?" "Dining room table, sorry excuse for a man?" "Nope." "She specifically said she didn't want that shit anymore." "Oh, and by the way, I know this sucks for yöu." "I feel really bad." "I bet yöu've been waiting a long time to say that." "Way too long." "♫ I should've ♪ ♫ bought yöu ﬂowers ♪" "♫ And held yöur hand ♪" "JOAN:" "I'm so happy to have my old roommate back." "Hey, um, don't floss after yöu eat all that." "♫ Never never get to ♪ ♫ clean up the mess I made ♪" "♫ Ohoo... ♪ yöu want another one?" " What did yöu just say?" " yöu want another beer?" "What are yöu doing?" "I'm asking if yöu want a drink." "Why are yöu down here checking on me?" "Why'd yöu leave them?" "I'm working, they're good." "yöu want a drink?" " Do yöu see what's down there?" " Yes." " Are yöu sure?" " Yes." "Let me see yöu look down there." "Are we looking in the same damn direction?" " Yeah, we are." " Tell me where." "What are we looking at?" "Five pieces of pussy." "That's what we're looking at." "And yöu came down to check on me?" "What the fuck do yöu want me to do?" "They're my customers." "I'm at work." " yöu're Debbie whipped!" " I'm not comfortable." "Dude, it's just like being pussy whipped, except yöu're dealing with one specific piece of pussy!" "What do I want yöu to..." "Listen." "I want yöu to fuck these bitches, Danny!" "Damn it, man!" "Dude, if yöu don't go down there and talk to these fucking women, Danny," "I swear to God, we are no longer friends." "We are no longer friends!" "Now either yöu talk to them, or yöu give me yöur face." "♫ I should've ♪ ♫ bought yöu ﬂowers ♪" "♫ And held yöur hand ♪" "The only reason why I was promoted was because of this man right here." "He threw his job away on a dream and a prayer." "To Danny, for dropping out, so idiots like me can get ahead." "ALL:" "To Danny!" "(INAUDIBLE)" "(MUSIC CONTINUES)" "(BARKS) Hey!" "Oh, sorry about that." "What a cute dog." "Thanks." "He must take after his daddy." "♫ I'll be the first to say ♪" "♫ That I was wrong ♪" " I can't." " What?" "I'm thinking of someone else." "yöu're really..." "Shh." "Nice." "Have a good evening." "JOAN:" "All I'm saying is yöu can't be so picky." "I mean, no one is gonna be Danny." "But yöu had Danny and now yöu don't want him." "When yöu had it good, even if it went bad, yöu can't go back to faking it." "Honey, I get it." "I get it." "Are yöu seeing someone?" "No, why?" "I don't know, it just looks like yöu gained some relationship weight." "(BEEPING RAPIDLY)" "BERNIE:" "Mmm." "So yöu didn't close?" "yöu leave a classy chick like that hanging?" " No, man, classy?" " I picked her up at a dog park, man." "I'm sorry, Danny." "Hey, real quick, did I miss the wealth of black tie events yöu've been attending?" "What are yöu talking about?" "I don't know, I don't know." "I don't know what happened." "Look at me. yöu gotta move on, man." "That's crazy." "Yeah. yöu know what, speaking of which, should I go before Keller gets back?" " No, stop it. yöu're fine." " yöu sure?" "Yes, yöu're fine." "Hey, yöu know I could probably get yöu yöur job back here." "Now that I've got major string pulling abilities." "I'm good." "I can tell yöu're good." "Passing up perfectly good dog park pussy!" "Hey, yöu know what?" "There is something yöu can do for me." "If yöu're willing to pull those, yöu know, strings." "What do yöu need?" "What is that?" "Puppets." "Strings." "Puppet master." "That's puppets..." "Controlling it." "yöu need some ice, don't yöu?" "No, I... (FEEDBACK WHINING) Uh... (CLEARS THROAT)" "(GROANS) Amanda, be a doll, please, and bring a cup of ice in here and some napkins." "Thank yöu." "(BEEPS)" "Moving up in the chain." "(CRUNCHING)" "CASEY: yöu got something to say?" "Say it." "All right." "(CLEARS THROAT) yöu ever thought about doing a little something extra with this place?" "Like what?" "yöu say karaoke night," "I'm gonna punch yöu in the face." "Okay." "Like, turn the courtyard into a beer garden." "Maybe get some patio dining going." "Expand the menu just a smidge." "Of course I've thought about it." "yöu know what it costs to do something like that?" "I have some savings." "Yeah." "I can get Bernie to help out on the supply side." "But why not take out a second mortgage on this place, put some real money in here?" "Now yöu're talking like yöu're gonna stick around for a while." "And if I did?" "I'd call the bank today." "Call the bank." "Oh, yeah." "(KNOCKING)" "Bernie." "Come on, man, we gotta get this stuff to the bar, baby." "Can't steal shit without the puppet master." "(INDISTINCT TALKING AND SCREAMING)" "Bernie?" "Oh, shit." " (CLUCKING)" " Making that thing cluck, ain't yöu?" "Sorry, man." "What yöu doing?" "Why yöu stopping?" "Sorry." "Oh, Danny Boy." "Fuck a baby!" "Yo, is it 3:00 already?" "Hey, man!" "Close the door!" "Oh, yeah, right." "My bad." "WOMAN:" "On the other side, yöu asshole!" "Let me finish this off." "No, we're not finishing anything!" "What yöu mean we ain't going to?" "We gonna finish." "There it is." "Erection's gone." "Why didn't yöu lock the door?" "BERNIE: yöu show up with a chicken mask!" "JOAN:" "Did yöu want people to come up in here while I'm wearing a chicken mask and yöu're clucking and fucking?" "BERNIE:" "Baby, calm down." "Baby, calm down." " yöu told me yöu wanted to fuck a chicken!" " Joan?" "(GASPS)" "BERNIE:" "Hey, man!" "Close the damn door!" "(SNICKERING)" "Are yöu gonna stop?" "Are yöu gonna let me explain myself?" "I'm serious." "Can yöu stop?" "Look, I didn't say anything to yöu because this little situation works for us, man." "Dude, yöu have no idea how sexy this shit is." "We treat each other like shit in public, but then out of nowhere, we turn around and we fucking like porn stars." "I mean, there's so much built up tension and energy, man." "Why do we have to do what everybody else does?" "I mean, I feel like we could have a relationship without all that bullshit, man." "We didn't get it right the first time." "So what?" "Fuck it!" "Honestly, fuck it." "Who says that we even gotta get it right at all?" "I mean, if yöu take away all the conventions, being in an honest relationship is the most freeing feeling in the world, man." "I can be me by just being me, and she can be her by just being her." "And when I'm with her..." "Oh, my God." "There's no place else I'd rather be." "When I'm not with her, that's the only place that I wanna be." "yöu get it?" "Like, do yöu understand what I'm saying?" "Yeah." "Yeah, I've been there, brother." "It's mind blowing." "That's why I don't like to talk to yöu, yöu get all sensitive and shit." "(SNIFFLES)" "Hey, let me get two Stranahan's." "Neat, please." "I'm fine." "I don't need no tap." "I'm good." "(GRUNTS)" "I'm Bernie, baby." "yöu know me." "(SIGHS)" "I love yöu." "Yeah." "CASEY:" "HDMI, right?" "Hey, here we go." "Oh!" "Great play." "Oh!" "Not the same as being there." "No, it's not the same." "Nothing is." "Super casual." "Come on, Danny, relax." "(LINE RINGING)" "Deborah Sullivan." "Hey, stranger." "How's it going?" "I really need an assistant." "What's that?" "yöu know what, I kind of can't hear yöu." "I guess I got bad reception in here." "Let's just talk over lunch." "yöu're not serious." "Yeah, I am." "(SIGHS)" "Okay, um, look..." "These last few months have just been miserable." "I can't stand going out or being at home because, yöu know, that reminds me of yöu." "I can't sleep." "(SIGHS)" "Pacino can't sleep." "Everything's just kind of falling apart, Deb, and..." "Because I miss yöu." "I need to see yöu." "Actually, I want to see yöu." "If yöu just give me one more chance..." "Danny." "I know I can..." "Danny." "Danny." "I gotta go." "Bye." "No." "No, no, don't..." "(HORNS HONKING)" "MAN: (ON TV) So the hemispheres is on the affected side." "WOMAN:" "That's correct, on the left side." "MAN:" "Which then is consistent with..." "No!" "What are yöu doing?" "This is yöur first vacation in three years, and yöu spend it with Hugh Laurie." "He's the only person in the world who understands me." "He's really smart." "yöu know why, Deb?" "Because Dr. House knows something that Debbie Sullivan has yet to discover." "What?" "All the answers in the world won't solve yöur problems." "Call him." "yöu know yöu want to." "And also," "I'm seeing Bernie again." "I know." "How?" "Come on." "I'm depressed, I'm not stupid." "(TV SHOW RESUMES)" "(JAZZY MUSIC PLAYING)" "♫ I want a little sugar ♪ ♫ in my bowl ♪" "♫ I want a little sweetness ♪ ♫ down in my soul ♪" "Yeah, baby!" "(THUNDER BOOMING)" "♫ Oh, so bad ♪" "(THUNDER CRACKS)" "♫ I feel so funny ♪ ♫ I feel so sad ♪" "(CONVERSING INDISTINCTLY)" " Oh, don't hurt it." " (GROANS)" "♫ What's the matter, Daddy?" "♪" "(ENSUES)" "♫ Come on ♪ ♫ Save my soul ♪" "♫ I need some sugar ♪ ♫ in my bow!" "♪" "Ah." "I got it." "(GRUNTS)" "(MOANS)" "Heaven." "Ooh, Eureka." "DEBBIE:" "Wow, this looks great." "yöu guys really went all out." "Thank yöu." "Well, it's a very special evening." "Are yöu pregnant?" "What?" "Hell, no." "Come on, don't yöu say no shit like that." "Come on, Deb." "I mean, if yöu wanna have a baby, baby, yöu know, I'm for what yöu want to do." "So don't ever think that's in question." "So, are yöu coming to my birthday dinner next week?" "Yeah." "Is Danny coming?" "He won't be there, Deb." "Invite him." "It's his best friend." "Me?" "Friends?" "No, I don't have no friends." "Deb, yöu don't even know that about me." "I don't believe in friends." "Only thing I believe in is Joan and whatever undiscovered mystery's lying between those legs of hers." "My God." "yöu look so good in this light." "(MOANING)" "(CLEARS THROAT)" "Don't yöu mess around and get into trouble on this table." "Stop it. yöu better stop it." "Don't get in trouble." "I'll lake it." "Anyway, it is my birthday and what I say goes." "Right?" "Obviously." "That's done. yöu already know I'm on board with that." " (PHONE RINGS)" " JOAN:" "Ifs the phone." "I'll get it." "yöu got it, baby?" "yöu guys start." "Yep." "It's fine." "Girl, yöu look good!" "Real good." "Bernie, stop it!" " (CHUCKLES)" " This looks so good." " Shut up!" "Girl, look at me." "Get the bag." " What's this?" "Listen to me." "The food is vile." "yöu hear me?" "The bitch cannot cook." "Whatever yöu do, yöu do not swallow the fucking food." "What yöu're gonna do is this." "yöu wait till she not looking, spit it in the bag, get low. (POPS)" "Put it in the fucking bag." "After yöu do that, throw that shit in the trash." "Do it fast, 'cause if the food eat through the bag, she'll smell it." "All right?" "yöu're not listening." "yöu don't give a shit about what I'm saying." "Okay, I gotta die for it, don't mean yöu have to." "yöu on yöur own." "I tried to tell yöu." "Here she comes." "Put the bag down." "(GROANS) Telemarketers." "Oh, God." "Awful." "They just ring and ring..." "Baby, yöu didn't eat anything." "Well, I'm waiting on yöu." "I'm not gonna eat without my baby." "Can yöu believe this one?" "(ALL CHUCKLING)" "Here, take some." "Before we do that, let's do the thing before we eat." "What thing?" "This is time for our special announcement." "(CLEARS THROAT) It is." "I would like to take this time to propose a toast." "Now, I don't know to what extent yöu and Joan have talked about the magic that's been going on in our relationship." "Magic?" "Lei him finish." "He wants to do this." "Baby, that's not true." "Okay, I don't want to do it." "I'm doing it because we agreed that I'm better at it." "No." "We didn't." "Yes, we did." "No." "Yes. yöu were worried about how she was going to take it." "I said it's about the presentation." "No, I said that because I'm the one with her, that I see her upset and crying all the time." "No, baby." "That's a lie." "yöu were the one talking about she gonna slit her wrists and all this shit." "Hey, hey!" "I'm moving out." "Okay?" "No." "Yes." "Yeah." "Yeah." "No." "No." "What?" "I found a place." "I'm moving out end of the month." " yöu're not mad?" " No!" "Of course not." "Thank yöu so much, because if yöu were mad at me, yöu know what, I would totally understand." "Because I gave yöu so much shit about moving in with a guy." "And then, I turn around and have Bernie move in." "Although, we were together longer than yöu and what's his name." "Even though we weren't technically..." "We were together a lot longer." "We were, we were." "It was on." "It was magic." "BERNIE:" "Yes." "And we were happier." "Their shit was fucked up." "It was fucked up!" "And I said in the beginning that wasn't gonna last." "No, no, no, remember we had over and under." "yöu know, crash and bum." "Crash and burn." "That's what we called them." "(BERNIE LAUGHING) Oh, my God." "Okay, okay, okay." "I get it." "It's cool, I just didn't think yöu were one of those girls that drop yöur friends the second yöu get some regular dick." "yöu got me." "Whoa." "(WHISTLES) Back up." "Regular dick?" "Ain't nothing regular about my dick." "My dick is completely irregular." "Okay, let's set that record straight." "yöu got him started." "I give it two months." "Hey, before we drink, so, like, what are we talking about with yöu being out?" "JOAN:" "No rush." "But let's put a number to it." "It's the 10th, so yöu're talking 13..." "This month has 30 or 31..." "Thirty one days." "That's gonna be crazy." "If it's 13, it's okay." "To yöu guys!" "Thank yöu." "Oh, man." "Butt naked running around the house." "(BOTH LAUGHING) It's on!" "It's on!" "yöur food should be right up, all right?" "(PACINO BARKS) How was he?" "Great." "Hey, buddy." "Hello." "He's getting really strong and he pulls a lot." "Maybe yöu should get him a harness or something." "Will do, will do." "Thanks for taking care of him." "Sure." "I mean, it's my job." "So, I'll see yöu Tuesday." "Yeah." "All right." "Nice dog Walker." "(CHUCKLES)" "(CELL PHONE RINGS)" "Hey." "Danny Martin, professional friend." "Hey, what yöu gonna do, man?" "yöu coming 10 the Broadway bar?" "Yeah, I'm just right around the corner, man." "I gotta walk Pacino home." "Well, hurry up." "Tell him Scent of a Woman came out on Blu-ray." "That always makes him take a shit when I walk him." "(BARKING)" "Pacino!" "Oh, hey!" "Pacino!" "Pacino!" "(HORNS HONKING)" "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" "MAN:" "Out of the road, asshole!" "Hey." "Hey." "(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING)" "He's so big." "Yeah, he's all grown up now." "Yeah." "I'll say." "I hope to be just like him one day." "(CHUCKLES)" "Are yöu going to Joan's?" "Yeah." "yöu know, they told me yöu weren't coming, so I wouldn't have..." "No, it's cool." "I'm sure they couldn't resist." "yöu think?" "Yeah." "I mean, old habits die hard with them." "yöu look good." "yöu, too." "And Pacino looks handsome and happy." "He's doing all right." "Good boy." "Good boy." "Good boy." "I was just gonna take him for a walk around the park." "yöu wanna..." "I mean, I'm sure Pacino would want to spend some quality time." "Yeah, sure." "(SCOFFS)" "She's not responding." "I think he's gonna flake on me, too." "Wait, do they know we tried to set them up?" "Yeah, baby." "I mean, they're not stupid." "Wait, no, I take that back, because Danny is a little slow." "Debbie ain't no rocket scientist." "Danny might be in the top two dumbest people I've ever met in my life." "That bitch barely thinks, yöu know what I mean?" "I think she spells her name with one" "(BOTH LAUGHING)" "Dumbass couple." "Stupid as fuck." "Right?" "That's why I feel so bad, because who else is gonna be with them?" "I mean, they're dumb." "That's true." "When yöu got two people that dumb, they gotta stay together." "That's true. yöu know what, I think it takes us down, hanging around them the way that we were." "I felt that." "I felt muted." "My whole time, I felt like I thought for her." "That's crazy, 'cause I swear I had the same thing." "I remember one time," "Danny was talking and I'm looking at him while he talking and I'm like..." "I daydream when Debbie talks." "It's like something else is going on." "That's what I try to do." "Ignorance." "And that is why I feel awful." "I mean, yöu know, they keep avoiding each other." "Yeah." "Dodging each other." "They were so in love." "That's how it is sometimes, though. yöu know that." "I know, I hate..." "Happy Birthday!" "Uh..oh." "There we go." "Wait a minute, baby, is this cake chocolate?" "Chocolate cake, chocolate icing, chocolate filling." "Yeah, but I'm allergic to chocolate." "I know." "(ROMANTIC MUSIC CONTINUES)" "I fucking love yöu." "Did yöu just say, "I love yöu"?"" "No, I didn't finish my sentence, is what I did." "Yes, yöu did." "I said I fucking love, and I was about 10 say something on the back of it." "Bernie, yöu are such a girl." "Whatever." "I do love yöu." "Better love me." "yöu can break my heart if yöu want to." "Love yöu, too." "(ROMANTIC MUSIC CONTINUES)" "Listen." "I am, uh..." "I'm sorry for everything." "Truly." "Me, too." "And I'm glad yöu're doing so well." "yöu, too." "I think we're just gonna stay in tonight, so yöu should go have a good time with Bernie and Joan and..." "I think I Will." "Do yöu wanna, um, go out sometime?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "We should catch up." "We're gonna do once more around the block." "Do yöu wanna join us?" "Yeah." "I think I will." "Yeah?" "Yeah." "(CHUCKLES)" "♫ This time I want it all ♪" "♫ I'm showing yöu ♪ ♫ all the cards ♪" "♫ Giving yöu... ♪" "Pacino, let's go." "♫ This time ♪ ♫ I'll take the chance ♪" "♫ This time I'll be yöur man ♪" "♫ I can be all yöu need ♪" "♫ This time it's all... ♪" "JOAN:" "Let's make a toast." "What are we toasting to?" "To Danny and Debbie." "Okay." "May we never end up like them." "Okay." "I'm not trying to do that." "Mmm..mmm." "That shit is jacked up." "I'd take yöu out." "Oh, yeah." "I'd cut off yöur oxygen, that shit happen." "I'll make yöu suffer." "yöu gonna cut off my oxygen?" "Don't fuck with me, Bernie." "I'll take yöur lips off, feed it to the clog." "I'm gonna take yöur teeth out one by one." "I'll cut yöur nipples off." "I bet I'd sew yöur balls together, like one. yöu're gonna have one nut." "yöu're gonna leave me with a punching bag?" "One nut Bernie." "(BOTH LAUGHING)" ""Hope You've Liked  Enjoyed The Movie"" "♫ This time I want it all ♪ Copyright from ecOtOne™" "♫ This time I want it all ♪ Copyright from ecOtOne™" "♫ I'm showing yöu ♪ ♫ all the cards ♪" "♫ Giving yöu all my heart ♪" "♫ This time ♪ ♫ I'll take the chance ♪" "♫ This time I'll be yöur man ♪" "♫ I can be all yöu need ♪" "♫ This time it's all of me ♪" "♫ All of me ♪" "♫ Yeah, ooh ♪" "(FUNK MUSIC PLAYING)" "Copyright from ecOtOne™"