"...not a pretty sight." "Oh, me, not you!" "Here we go, now." "Don't eat them all at once, will you?" "I can't resist them, that's my trouble." "Oh, I know." "Me neither." "GIL:" "What an asset that is in life." "The ability to laugh at nothing." "How do they do it? "Don't eat them all at once. "" ""I can't resist them, that's my trouble. "" "Look, she's literally dabbing the tears from her eyes." "See, this is why I'm such a social misfit." "I cannot grin to order." "Thank you." "There you go." "Hi, Irene." "Now don't knock her over, whatever you do." "Well, this is very kind." "Doesn't quite fit in with my exercise programme, of course, but...." "Now that's interesting." "I would have turned left there." "Are you sure you're...." "Gil, would you be really angry if I said I was kidnapping you?" "Now, I'm sorry." "It's just that ever since it came out about Bob and this trollop, tart, whore, whatever you want to call her...." ""Sex worker", if you read The Independent." "I've just had this morbid compulsion, you know, to find out what she's like." "I mean, you can understand that?" "Well, I'm going through his phone bill yesterday." "There was one number kept cropping up all the time I couldn't identify." "So I rang it up and got this answer machine message for someone called Cindy Bracewell, who, as luck would have it, was in the book so...." "I thought we could wait outside the house for a bit." "Maybe catch a glimpse of her." "Right." "It's just the word "we" in that sentence I'm having a problem with." "Moral support, Gil?" "I'd be so grateful." "This is great." "I go out to buy a newspaper, suddenly I'm in a Frederick Forsyth novel." "I mean, what if she's gone away or something?" "On holiday or...." "No, no!" "Get down, get down." "IRENE:" "Oh, my God." "That can't be her, surely." "Would any man in the world fancy that?" "GIL:" "Besides Popeye." "There must be a mistake, we've got the wrong address." "I wouldn't count on that." "GIL:" "What do you think?" "He hasn't come to read her meter." "GIL:" "My God." "I mean, how do you get past her underwear?" "At least they're gonna spare us the details." "I'm stunned." "This is...." "It's just that...." "Well, you know." "Real life sometimes is...too real to be convincing." "She's not what I imagined." "If she'd been some dopey little blonde with a great arse, I don't say I'd forgive him, but you could see the grisly logic of it all." "But now...." "Now, Gil, I don't know." "I'm just very confused." "of all Kenny's girlfriends." "There were so many, he changed them like suits." "Of all his relationships, the one with Daisy Kribotnik was probably the shortest, lasting just 52 seconds from their first meeting to the inevitable break-up." "Hi." "You work here?" "Yes." "I work in copyright for Mr Feldman." "You have very sensuous eyes." "Oh!" "Well." "I would love to lick your eyelids." "Would you let me do that?" "Really?" "Oh, God!" "What's your name?" "Daisy Kribotnik." "Daisy, you're the only woman who's ever understood me, you know that?" "Oh, Kenny." "What is it?" "You're kissing me but it's like something's missing." "What happened to the way we used to kiss?" "That was when we first met." "You can't expect that kind of magic to last forever." "I don't know what's happening to us anymore." "People drift apart, you know?" "We had a great time together, right?" "We can't go on living a lie, Daisy." "ALICE:" "How many times have I seen this sketch now?" "It still makes me laugh." "Which is no mean feat after the day I've had." "And it's not so far removed from the truth when you look at the speed my lot get through their men." "How can the Radio Times call it "lame"?" "I've a good mind to put pen to paper for the first time in my life and...." "Alice?" "Hello." "How are you?" "Erm...." "Yes, fine." "What did I say?" "I said she wouldn't remember us." "Of course she remembers." "Mr and Mrs Bledsoe." "Oh, gosh." "You went out with our son for a while." "Gareth." "That's right, of course." "We called round the other morning." "The neighbours said the best time to catch you in was a Saturday night." "Any time after 9:00." "Yes." "Well, come in, please." "Yes." "Dear old Gareth, I haven't seen him for, what?" "Must be coming up to 1 0 years nearly." "How's he getting on these days?" "I'm afraid just after you left him, he developed an incurable disease of the nervous system." "You're joking." "I mean, well!" "No, of course you're not, obviously, because it's horrible." "And the long and the short of it is, he passed away three weeks ago." "Oh, God!" "I'm so sorry." "How dreadful for you." "Of course, he never met anyone else." "He never wanted to meet anyone else." "He always used to say that you were the centre of his universe." "Oh, stop it." "Mavis, you're making her feel terrible." "She didn't care for the boy, she jacked him in." "We were only together a couple of months and I was so anxious to avoid hurting his feelings." "Yes, well." "This is where it all gets a bit delicate." "So maybe you ought to sit down." "Maybe we ought to sit down." "The thing is we know that you and Gareth had... relations a number of times." "Right." "But I don't know if you're aware of the fact he made video recordings of all the nights you spent together." "Pardon?" "He said it was because he dreaded losing you even then, and he desperately wanted something he could look back on to prove it wasn't a dream." "You're shocked, right?" "Let me tell you, so was I." "On top of everything else, to find out my son's a pervert." "That's a terrible thing to say." "The guy's hidden a camcorder inside a giant teddy bear to film himself on the job!" "Don't try and tell me that's normal behaviour, Mavis." "It's sick." "I remember that teddy bear." "Bearing in mind the poor child's not here anymore, is he, to defend himself," "I think you might just show a little respect while we do this." "Erm, what are they?" "He was terribly anxious we should pass them on to you, once he knew his time was running out." "He said he hoped they would remind you of the happy times you shared." "Of course, personally, I can't watch any of them now without weeping." "What do you mean?" "You mean you've looked at these tapes?" "Sadly, it's the only footage left of our son where he still had the use of all his limbs and organs." "Yes, do you know what, Mrs Bledsoe," "I'm just thinking now perhaps it's best if you hang on to them." "I know how much they mean to you and everything." "That's all right." "We've made copies." "You have." "Okay." "My brother Derek ran them off on his computer." "These...." "What do you call them again?" "Mpegs." "Whatever they are." "Where you can transfer it all to compact disc with no reduction in quality." "Oh, right." "So pretty much anyone in your family can have a look at the two of us now having sex whenever they feel like it." "I'm sorry, Alice." "But we did promise him and...." "I hope we haven't spoilt your evening." "Good morning." "Hi." "I think this must have fallen out of your back pocket the other day." "Fine." "Thank you." "During my moment of madness." "Sorry about all that." "No." "Come on, please, it's...." "Good news?" "Well, no, it's just...." "I get maybe two fan letters a year, you know." "But this one..." "I don't know, it's almost like she's inside my head somehow." "Just the way she writes about her life and how much she relates to my material." ""I began to wonder if there was anyone else out there who thought like I do."" "Wow." "Well, I mean, how can you ever tell." "But she's put her home phone number and her mobile here which...." "Has given you food for thought?" "Well, she'll probably turn out to be 70 years old or something." "Confined to an iron lung." "I notice she hasn't mentioned her age anywhere." "Oh." "Were you in the middle of...." "Because I think they're coming down the road." "Right." "Yeah." "Listen, I just got a couple more bottles here." "Ah!" "Just the people I want to see." "Good morning, Geoffrey." "How are you?" "Oh, not so bad just lately." "Now, did Bridget mention to you next Saturday lunch time we're having a little do for the opening of our new heated pool." "If you'd like to come along, both of you, for a bit of a splash-about." "Sounds like fun." "We were actually wondering, Gil, if you might do the honours for us and cut the ribbon?" "Being a local celebrity." "Ah, well, if you want to scare everyone away." "I don't know." "Course he will." "Just give him the scissors." "And if you could make a little speech of some sort?" "Something a bit hilarious, you know, people around here would appreciate." "The thing is, Geoffrey, standing in front of a crowd of people, I get very nervous." "Oh, my God!" "I'm sorry to interrupt." "Is that your wheelie bin, Irene, going into the crusher?" "Oh, my God, it is!" "Oh, excuse me!" "What are you doing?" "That's my wheelie bin!" "Anyway, remember then." "Next Saturday, 1 2:30 to 1 :00." "I'll see you there." "Come on, Bonbon." "How bad a swear word is "bollocks"?" "How'd you mean?" "I was doing a gift wrap for this woman and accidentally cut my finger." "You should have seen her face." "It was like I'd said "bugger" or something." "Well, how's "bugger" worse than "bollocks"?" "I'd never say "bugger" to a customer." "Well, you wouldn't say "bugger" or "bollocks"." "But "bollocks" is worse." ""Bugger", "bollocks" and "shit" you should always be careful of." "Then where does "shite" come in?" "I always thought "shite" and "shit" were the same, but someone said "shit" was less shocking than "shite", which to me, I'm sorry, is bollocks." "If I could just interrupt this intellectual ferment for a second, to remind you that I won't be around for the next couple of days and if Mr Pickering hears any of that kind of chitchat going on...." "We'll be thinking of you slaving away at your conference, won't we?" "Free night in a big swish hotel, food and booze coming out of your ears." "Hey!" "It'll be no Swiss picnic, believe me." "Sharing a room with that junior account manager from Harrods again." "The lovely Rochelle." "Rochelle?" "Is she that part-time model who keeps her thongs on a coat hanger?" "She's got the personality of a pencil and a body you would kill for." "If I stand next to her, it's like the pros and cons of genetic engineering." "Have the two of you still got to do this big speech together in front of everyone?" "Oh, don't." "That's the other thing." "Laura Kelly faxed it over this morning." "Martin Luther King will be turning in his grave." "Oh." "I see what you mean." "Well, good luck." "Oh, God, Ali!" "We forgot to ask, didn't we?" "Oh yes, the tapes!" "So have you watched them yet?" "I haven't watched them." "I can't bring myself to watch them." "I don't know if I'll ever watch them." "I might watch them tonight." "GIL:" "Hey." "Very nice." "I know." "They just delivered it this second." "I've got to give them their due, they're very prompt." "Er, listen." "I don't know how busy you are at the moment, Gil, only... there's something I'd quite like to talk to you about." "You know, there's not a day goes by he doesn't ring me." "Or suddenly pop up somewhere." "From behind the bananas in Sainsbury's or something, begging me to give him another chance." "But after the other day, I suppose it just made me wonder whether I ever really understood him at all." "Whether he ever really understood me." "Well, you'll bounce back." "I'm sure of it." "I will bounce back." "I mean absolutely." "That's what I keep telling myself that maybe we need a kick in the teeth like this sometimes to point us in a new direction." "I mean, he did it to me... so why should I feel ashamed about doing it to him?" "I mean, why should I feel ashamed about having feelings for... a younger man?" "Er..." "Irene, I've have to say something here." "Yes, I know what you're going to think." "That I only want him for his body, but it's not like that at all." "Sorry... who exactly are we talking about here?" "You know, when my wheelie bin went into the crusher yesterday, he was just so nice about it all, and helpful and...." "But here's the really wonderful thing." "Later on, when we met up for a drink down at the pub," "I couldn't believe how much we'd got in common." "Politically and culturally." "I know you'll think that's odd for a dustman, but it was just amazing, you know." "His taste in foods, wine, music, all sorts of things really." "We just hit it off in every department." "My God." "Like you were saying that time, someone who's like a perfect fit for you." "Well, who can tell?" "But it just shows, you should never judge a book by its cover." "Well, listen, that's really great." "I mean...." "In fact, you know what?" "I think I'm going to take my cue from you, why don't I?" "And what the hell, ring her up." "You know, the girl that sent me this letter yesterday?" "Took me half an hour to find it 'cause I guess the wind must've blown it behind the cupboard." "Absolutely, Gil." "You go for it, because what is it they say?" "This is our life, it's not a rehearsal." "And, I mean, who can ever tell what fate has in store for us?" "Wow!" "I see they've managed to put that photo of a serial killer on my ID badge again." "For the third year running." "My God, Alice, you're not serious?" "Let me see." "That's you." "Is it?" "Oh, dear." "Oh, well." "What's in there?" "Your winter wardrobe or...." "I just like to set up a little interface with my man." "You know, for later on." "If he doesn't see me for a while, he gets withdrawal symptoms." "So after we've had our drink with Laura, I may be online for a while, if that's okay." "How about you?" "Is there anyone special in your life right now?" "Well, I'm between boyfriends at the moment, so to speak." "Uh-huh." "ALICE:" "Amazing." "It's like evolution has decided there's no need for a mind in a body like that." "Warmth, depth, a sense of humour, have no role to play anymore in the mating process." "When you think, for instance, what Cleo would have made of that." ""I'm between boyfriends. " "Oh!" "My favourite position!"" "Or any old dumb remark, but, I mean, look at her." "There's just nobody there at all." "And yet, what man in the world would care?" "I think that's me." "Hang on." "Hello?" "No." "The free gift was only with the 50ml spray and the body lotion." "Well, I'm sorry, she can just take it up with Head Office, then." "Not long checked-in actually." "We're meeting Laura downstairs at 5:00, so better get my skates on." "So, anyway, I just wanted to meet and greet." "To make sure we're all on the same page for tomorrow." "The big day." "Oh, God, Laura." "Quaking in my boots, to be honest." "Come on, you'll be fine." "You both got the script, you're okay?" "No problems?" "Yes." "The script was...." "I did sort of think...." "It's very clever, Laura." "And did you write it, the whole thing?" "Well, I basically just want to set out our stall for the next 1 2 months, to clarify our objectives." "But in a way, obviously, that's going to engage the delegates, so I'll be looking for Oscar-winning performances tomorrow from the pair of you." "Is that man staring at me?" "Behind the bar." "Don't tell me it's my imagination." "He's been eyeballing me ever since I walked in here." "Rochelle, you wouldn't be a love and swap places?" "Thank you." "'Cause I don't think I need that, matey, from a perfect stranger." "And if he wants to stare at my bald patch, he's welcome." "So long as he doesn't look at my bald patch." "Careful, Alice." "Too much information." "Guy Cassidy, behave yourself." "GIL:" "I can't believe I'm doing this." "Driving out on a blind date!" "I mean, when do they ever work?" "Well, but why shouldn't it work?" "You were on the phone with her for two hours." "I mean, two hours." "It was like we'd known each other for years." "We just seemed to hit the ground running." "I mean, she just sounded so great." "And the fact she just lives 1 5 miles away, if you're looking for a good omen...." "Okay, you don't actually know what she looks like yet, but, how big a surprise can that be?" "You found it okay, then?" "Moira?" "Yes." "Come on in." "Sit yourself down." "Can I get you a coffee or anything stronger?" "I know you're driving." "No, no." "Actually, I'm fine, thanks." "Erm...." "She'll be down in a second." "Just making herself look decent." "As we women have to, for that all important first impression." "Doesn't want to scare you off before you start...." "Yeah, thanks, Mum." "You think you could be a bit less subtle?" "It won't be me that scares him off." "How are you, Gil?" "Sorry about that." "Tina." "Hi." "Very well indeed." "How you doing?" "Yeah, great." "Well go on then, if you two want to get along." "Gil, it's been lovely to meet you." "Have a good time." "And you are going to be okay after this afternoon?" "Course I am!" "Go on with you." "I mean, I'm sorry that, you know." "Tina, stop worrying." "Just enjoy yourselves." "Thanks, Mum." "Bye." "Have a good time." "ROCHELLE:" "No, don't worry, hon, I've still got bags of time." "We're just getting changed for dinner and then afterwards, I don't know, we'll probably go on to a club or something so...." "Oh, damn!" "No, no." "I think I may have left my folder in the bar." "I guess I should really go back and fetch it." "Oh, yes!" "Thank you, God!" "Don't make me get changed in front of her." "I may have to kill myself." "Still on the table where I left it." "Okay, darling, actually you know," "I'd better be getting off now." "You have a good shoot tomorrow." "Oh, Alice!" "You want to say hi to Christian before we log off?" "Yes." "Hi, Christian." "His webcam just crashed unfortunately, so it's all one-way at the moment." "Okay, bye for now, then." "Love you." "Now, Alice, I was just thinking." "As we've got a moment, maybe we could run through the audio-visual she gave us for tomorrow." "Get an idea how it all goes together." "Are you okay?" "Perhaps I'll just have a small brandy." "So I think the idea is there'll be a big musical introduction, during which, yes, here we are, all these slides will come up, starting with the company logo and mission statement." "And then that's where we'll both walk on, I guess." "And then, it'll be me to start." "Ladies and gentleman, we've heard a great deal about our successes this year." "But today is also a time to look to the future." "To share with you all the goals and aspirations we hold most dear." "Alice." "I have a dream." "Our share of the UK market will maintain its upward trend, enjoying a 1 2% annual growth rate, as our pre-tax profits continue to soar." "I have a dream." "I have a dream." "Our retail account teams across the land will strive next year towards even higher targets, inspired and emboldened by a generous new package of sales incentives." "I have a dream." "I have a dream...." "Are you not just a little bit concerned, Rochelle, about having to say all this?" "Oh!" "No." "Because we'll have those special screens in front of us, remember?" "So we can just read it all." "GIL:" "Now hang on, back up a second." "This, I'm not sure about." "You as a Hell's Angel?" "Are you serious?" "'Cause I'm struggling to get a mental picture here." "I was a real wild child in my late teens." "You wouldn't have recognised me." "So what are you telling me, you used to go bombing round the country in all the leather?" "Helmets with the big horns." "In my misspent youth." "My God!" "I'm having dinner with a Valkyrie." "Now the truth's all coming out." "Yeah, I was just into that whole lifestyle, the music, the bikes, the guys." "I mean, the guys, you know." "It was like, the rougher the better." "At that age, I have to confess, sexually I was pretty...carnivorous." "I don't know about you." "Carnivorous?" "In my late teens, I was living on wild berries and locusts." "Well, yeah, 'cause... when you're young, you just want to rebel, but then, you know, obviously, you grow up, don't you?" "Wake up one day and just go and work in a bank." "Yeah?" "So you're not gonna start biting the heads off of cockerels or...." "I tell you, I did enough mad things back then, thank you very much, to last me a lifetime." "So anyway, you must get bored with everyone asking, so I won't ask." "Obviously, you became a comedy writer because you have a gift." "Well, you know." "Sometimes I think all I really have is the staying power because... most people who think they can't do it don't realise... neither can I, actually." "At least, not without putting myself through immense pain and torment until something remotely decent appears." "And even when you've thought of the funniest thing in the world, you know it's still going to leave half the nation cold because... finding other people who share your sense of humour...." "But also there's an attitude to what you do." "One of the first things I remember, it was silly but there was a point to it." "About three years ago, the girl with the teeth." "Oh, right." "I suppose that was my attempt at a kind of fable." "The story of the lovely Loretta." "Who believed that most men were shallow and only wanted her for her looks." "So to test their mettle, she would go on blind dates, having radically altered her whole appearance." "Halfway through the evening, she'd go to the ladies' room." "And if her blind date was still there when she got back, he'd get a lovely surprise." "But of course, no one she met would ever stay the course." "Until one day... along comes a guy who's different." "So now she's in big trouble." "She realises she's physically repelled, but unable to renege on her principles or blow her cover." "She's forced to go on seeing him for the next six months before gently extricating herself from the relationship." "And I always thought there was so much in that that I absolutely related to." "'Cause it's like, everywhere you look today, in the media, the slightest physical flaw, don't even think about the idea of meeting someone." "It's like, the whole focus, you know, is on how we appear, instead of... what we are." "We're fed so much crap, basically." "Yeah, and it's never going to change so I don't know why I get so worked up about it, but you can see why people develop eating disorders." "GIL:" "Absolutely, it's...." "Anyway, so, this is your local?" "It's nice." "Well, I thought, why take a risk, go with what you know 'cause...." "And the food's pretty good, right?" "ALICE:" "Why can't I just tell her," ""I'm sorry, I think your speech is awful." ""Not only is it corny, it's in deeply questionable taste and I refuse to do it on principle. "" "She'd have a fit." "And no one else seems remotely bothered about it... except me." "Of course, if I'd had my brain removed at birth, like Rochelle," "I wouldn't have to worry about these things, but...." "Oh, God, that was evil." "I've definitely had far too much wine." "So, you were saying, you moved back in with your mother after your dad died." "It's not ideal, obviously, but, well...." "My mother." "That's another whole conversation you don't want to hear about." "Sounds like you've got some problems there at the moment." "Very briefly." "She was due to have this operation next Thursday." "A private operation." "It was...." "Well, anyway, a breast thing." "We'd talked about it, the risks, what was right for her, and she decided to go ahead with this surgery." "And now, at the last minute, they're saying the cost's gone up another GBP2,000, which, of course, it was already going to completely clean her out so...." "The whole thing doesn't really bear thinking about, I'm afraid." "You all finished there?" "Yeah, thanks." "Yeah, thank you." "Hey, now listen... that movie I was telling you about on the phone." "La Belle Danielle." "If you're up for it later on, what do you reckon?" ""Warning: includes strong erotic content," ""nudity and scenes of a sexually graphic nature."" "Yeah, but once you get involved in the story, you hardly notice." "I see." "Well, thank you, Alice." "That's just what I needed before I go to bed." "I mean, I'm not trying to be difficult, Laura." "I understand, obviously, how important the whole thing is to the branch and everything." "Maybe you don't understand what's riding on this presentation." "UK Head Office." "Caryn Werner from New York, the entire team from Paris." "The eyes of the world, Alice, will be on us at 2:00 tomorrow." "To just cry off suddenly at the 1 1 th hour...." "I know, I know." "I suppose it's only since I've had a few drinks that...." "It's just... if we can't ever say anything about things we feel strongly about... in the case of where...." "Well, something like this." "I just think it's terrible to think we don't care anymore because... don't you think it's even a bit offensive?" "Well, clearly not or I wouldn't have written it." "Do you imagine anyone else in that room is going to give it a second thought besides you?" "I wonder sometimes if you take life too seriously or not seriously enough." "Okay." "I can't put a gun to your head." "But it's interesting, isn't it?" "Rochelle doesn't seem to have a problem." "Perhaps that's something I'll bear in mind at the next staffing review." "Yes." "Right." "Night then, Laura." "Good night, Alice." "Alice." "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God." "Okay, I'll just go slip off this disguise and you won't recognise me." "Bill, you all right?" "You're on a promise again then, out there?" "That blonde number?" "You lucky turd." "Don't he ever get a day off?" "Luck's got nothing to do with it, mate, you've gotta put the hours in." "This one, I had to do a big number about Napa Valley wines." "Favourite artist, Harry Connick Jr, a little bit of Daily Mail politics, that all takes very careful research." "Going through the recycle bag." "Absolutely." "Two, maybe three weeks' worth, till I built up a profile." "Magazines and papers, empty bottles, you got receipts from shops, record stores." "After that, it's all down to my animal magnetism." "One day, Ray, they're going to rumble you." "Anyway, I'll have her when you're finished, eh?" "I'll bring you back a doggy bag." "Oh, don't worry, she won't be back till the early hours." "They've all gone off clubbing somewhere." "Now come on, tell me, what's happened?" "I'd just gone downstairs to check my pigeonhole, suddenly I felt I needed the loo." "Why I couldn't have waited another five minutes, but...." "So..." "I'm going into the gents, Just off the lobby and I see that chappie." "You remember, earlier on at the bar?" "Start to follow me in." "Well, I'm straight inside that cubicle, thank you very much, taking no chances." "What happens next?" "I hear him step inside the one next to me and close the door." "I'm standing there, Alice, and I can't believe what I'm seeing." "The toilet roll starts to rise slowly from the wall." "Wobbles, for a second, on the wire spindle, then slides off onto the floor, revealing, underneath, a small, round, aperture in the wall." "What's technically known, I believe, as a "glory hole"." "Through which this ghastly man is threading his genitalia for my consideration!" "I nearly passed out on the spot!" "My God." "That must have taken you aback." "Taken me aback?" "I'm no prude, Alice, but it's not what I expect in a four star hotel." "I don't care how hard it is to get good staff." "Well, you'll have to report it, obviously." "Oh, God, Alice, I don't know if I could bear it." "Having to sit there while a police artist sketches various penises." "I can feel myself tensing up again Just at the thought of it." "Let me get you a cold flannel." "Oh, look, and now I'm keeping you up, which isn't fair...." "Oh, don't worry, I've had a fair dose of it myself this week." "The other night, these videos turned up... of me and a chap I used to go out with 1 0 years ago." "In the heat of passion, which I knew nothing about, and he'd apparently bequeathed to me on his death bed...." "Get out of this room!" "You mean, he'd been secretly filming you while you were...." "It was awful." "As I'm watching them," "I know I should be thinking how terrible and tragic it is, this poor guy who's just died, so young, and I am thinking that, but... mostly I'm thinking... where did that waist go?" "And how much my breasts have dropped and... if I tried that position now, I'd end up in a wheelchair." "And the idea of his parents, and goodness knows who else, all sitting around watching you lying there moaning, with your ankles round your ears." "What's an "mpeg" anyway?" "An mpeg?" "Oh, it's like a video compression system on your computer that lets you store moving images." "I'm so far behind with modern technology." "How you feeling now, anyway?" "Oh, a little bit light-headed still but...." "Oh, it's just the thought, Alice, of what he was after." "I know." "I mean, even if I was...that way inclined," "I cannot see the appeal, I'm sorry." "Yeah, that's right." "How do you mean... that way inclined?" "I mean from a straight perspective, obviously." "It's hard to get into that whole mindset, but, can you imagine?" "Right, so... would you say you get a lot of that, then... people thinking that you are...." "Don't get me started on sexual stereotyping." "It's like, if you don't walk and talk like some caveman in a lager advert, women don't even see you." "Most women." "'Cause I'm sorry, fellas, that's Guy with a "U" not with an "A", okay?" "So...." "You all right?" "Yes." "No." "Funnily enough, I think I'm feeling a bit light-headed now." "Oh, I'm sorry, it's all my fault." "You want to try putting your head between your legs?" "No." "Your legs, or my legs, whichever." "Was that crude or what?" "Alice, I think you should tell me to leave." "Are you sure these aren't getting in the way for you?" "Only I'm so crap at French." "No!" "Listen, you've got to follow the dialogue." "Ah, now, then." "Sorry." "TINA:" "Oh, so this is her?" "It's all so cynical." "The way he's just manipulating her." "It'll last maybe a week, two, and then she's going to feel so... betrayed and wounded by the whole experience." "Yeah, well." "Maybe we should watch the rest of this another time." "It's a bit of a long one and..." "I suppose I should really be getting back." "Oh, okay." "Yeah, I guess." "Sure." "So, maybe you should just tell her, then." "All that stuff you heard in the gents." "Maybe I will, because... well, you know, when I see her Saturday at this stupid party, if I go." "Party?" "Can you believe this neighbour down the road has asked me to open his new swimming pool for him?" "In front of this whole crowd of people, who, you know, their idea of hilarious is a pigeon landing on the net at Wimbledon." "Will I never learn to say no to these things?" "I'm sure you'll be fine." "Stop worrying." "Erm, you wouldn't want to come along, I suppose?" "Fish me out of the water when I try and drown myself." "I'll come along." "Of course." "I'd love to." "Are you ready for the sight of me in a bikini?" "That's the question." "Oh, I think I can cope with that." "Well, you say that, but I'm warning you now." "I don't look like this with my clothes off." "Hey, after everything we've said tonight?" "Come on, I'll run you back." "Thank you." "No, I do." "Because, to make a stand like that, because something's important to you... is a very rare thing these days." "I'm sure she just thinks I'm being all woolly and liberal, but...." "Probably 'cause she hasn't got the first idea, people like her, what was going on over there." "It's like, it's 40 years ago, now who cares?" "They could all do with a serious history lesson." "Am I in the wrong job, Guy?" "Probably, but it helps to talk." "Always." "If the right person's listening." "Oh, hi." "This is all very cosy." "I didn't think you'd still be up." "We were just...." "We were just having a little heart-to-heart, weren't we, but...." "Time to scoot, I guess." "Leave you two ladies in peace, so...." "Night-night." "Night, Guy." "See you in the morning." "Night-night." "I'm afraid to tell you, Rochelle, I've pulled out of that speech tomorrow." "So, you'll be doing it with Laura now, instead." "You're joking." "Why?" "Well...." "Perhaps you'd better ask her." "Didn't she mind?" "Oh, yes." "She most certainly did." "My God, Alice." "What have you done?" "No, no, no." "I mean, after all, you're our guest of honour." "We can hardly object to you bringing a friend along." "I'm sure she's very nice." "Unfortunate, I guess, how certain... choices you make when you're young... tend to hang around for the rest of your life." "And I think we're all agreed it's a fantastic new pool they've got themselves here." "I understand, Sir Ian Templeton, the local Tory MP, came round earlier to try it out." "If you look closely, you can still see his footprints on the water." "Anyway, that's, by the by, so... why don't I get on with it now and away you go!" "So, yeah, I see what you mean about public speaking." "I think you really had them in the palm of your hand there." "Yeah, I think next time if I bring my ukulele and open with a few George Formby numbers...." "Well, they're never going to forgive you, are they?" "For bringing me along?" "But then, you know, it's not our problem, is it?" "No." "No." "It's...." "I mean, listen." "You know, 'cause it's... certainly been a talking point." "They want to stare, let them stare." "If people can't see past the surface, then tough." "As long as we're both comfortable with each other." "I have a dream that one day, and one day soon, our exclusive range of body lotions and all-over cleansing milks will be an integral part of every woman's daily beauty programme." "I have a dream." "I have a dream that every girlfriend, mistress, wife and lover in the land this year will find a Cunegonde parfum de toilette gift set in her Christmas stocking." "I have a dream." "I have a dream that across the nation, our revolutionary depilatory creams will become an essential part of everyday skincare." "So that together with our new exfoliating facial scrub, and anti-wrinkle cream, we all can strive for a pure and perfect complexion at truly affordable prices." "Oh, yes, my friends, I have a dream." "I have a dream." "In the field of men's fragrances, we will vanquish the opposition to trim their sales and enjoy, like Nelson, the scent of victory." "I have a dream." "We can do this very simply, Alice." "If you just set it all down in a letter, I might let you work out your notice." "It wasn't me, Laura!" "Truly and honestly." "Of course you're going to think that...." "I don't care what kind of political point you're trying to make." "It's gross." "It's immature." "Never mind the humiliation you've brought on the company." "Do you think anybody's going to be impressed by that kind of shock tactic?" "You're just cheapening your own argument." "Fine!" "So it doesn't really matter, then, what I say, as you're not prepared to listen to me." "Okay, Laura." "Can I say something?" "You say it cheapens the argument." "I disagree." "I think a good kick up the arse sometimes is the only thing that works with people." "If you want to know who put that picture up there, I can tell you it wasn't Alice." "She doesn't know what an mpeg is, poor love." "Can you really see her downloading an image off the net then burning it onto a CD for that slide show?" "It's a little ambitious." "Exactly." "I plead ignorance and incompetence." "I wouldn't know where to start." "Okay." "Right." "I think I see now where this is going." "In which case, someone's going to have to put their hand up, I think, and tell me who was responsible." "I was." "I did it this morning." "First thing before I gave you the disc back." "I don't believe you." "When you said that to me last night, I don't know, it just made me think." "Very hard." "Because I just couldn't imagine, you know, why you would do a thing like that." "Why did it matter to you so much?" "Or maybe I just didn't know enough about it... to understand." "So then, that's when I logged on." "And started to find things." "Things that...." "And then, of course, I knew." "Why they all went there that day... the 28th of August, 1 96 3." "Washington, DC." "To the reflecting pool." "And I knew when I found that picture, that everyone in the world should see that picture." "Because...." "And I'm...." "I'm sorry, Laura." "If you want me to put that in a letter, I will." "In fact, maybe I'll go and do that now." "Excuse me." "Now I know I'm in love." "Hey!" "I'm not sure I appreciate the irony of being picked up by a rubbish collector." "Oh, God, Gil." "It's been too long." "I'm so out of practice at this game." "I suppose, at Geoffrey's party I should've said something but...." "Yes, well." "You had other things on your mind, it's fair to say." "She did kind of steal the show." "I know." "I can see all the men there mentally dressing her." "Such a part of me admires that about her." "Like a burns victim, you know?" "She's not going to stand there and apologise for it but...." "Because it shouldn't matter." "I mean... why should it matter?" "Well, no, I suppose because...." "I mean it shouldn't, but...." "It's just, you know, you got all those snakes and spiders up her thighs, festering corpses on her back." "It'd be a great day out for the kids, but my trouble, I'm too squeamish." "So then after that, I just didn't call her." "It was terrible." "After we'd had such a great time together and everything seemed to be inch-perfect," "I just... couldn't deal with it." "But then, I don't know, after a week had gone by...." "I'm driving around in my car, wracked with guilt and thinking," ""I've got to confront this and talk to her. "" "So, I just seized the moment and went around the house and knocked on her door." "Tina, I'm really sorry I haven't been in touch...." "Well, don't be!" "'Cause I don't think we'll be seeing each other anymore, will we, after this?" "I know, I know, I should have called but...." "After what you did?" "All that toss about appearances not being important, to go and do something like that behind my back without even bothering to discuss it with me!" "I know, but I...." "Discuss it with...." "Sorry, what are you talking about?" "What am I talking about, Gil?" "I'm talking about the GBP2,000 you secretly sent my mother so she could have a boob job." "Gil, is that you?" "What on earth can I say?" "I was so touched." "Thank you." "After all the arguments and aggro I went through?" "I mean, when that cheque of yours arrived in the post, bless you." "Trying to knock it into her thick head what a stupid, pointless waste of money it was." "I so wanted to get in touch to say thank you" "but she wouldn't give me your address." "Look at her, for God's sake!" "At her age!" "Mum, when will you wake up to the fact that you're not 25 anymore?" "So tell me, anyway, I hope you think it was money well-spent." "The way she'd described it, it sounded like this life and death thing that... as usual, I managed to completely screw up." "Now I've got to live with the fact that I discriminated against someone on the grounds of their skin." "Everything we agreed upon, how important it is to see people as people." "When it came to the crunch, I just failed the test." "Gil, now come on, this is silly." "All you ever do is question yourself and punish yourself and draw attention to your own shortcomings." "I know, but... think of the money I'm saving on therapy." "MILLY:" "My God, is that her?" "I see what you mean." "Well, those are not her own legs, I'm sorry." "ALICE:" "What are you talking about?" "How can she have someone else's legs?" "Are you mad?" "They can do that now." "It's completely possible, technically." "Just take them off another woman and give them to her." "What, a leg transplant?" "But where would they join the new ones on, then, around the bum?" "I'm not talking about in real life." "I mean on the photo, you silly person!" "They just get a picture of Elle MacPherson or someone and swap them over." "Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you, but after spending the night with her," "I can assure you, she has not been tampered with." "Which makes two of us." "God, how wrong can you be about someone." "To do what she did... takes more nerve and character than I'll ever have, bless her." "So she's got it all then, basically." "Well, she's got him for a start." "What does it say?" ""Rochelle Tandy, who last week quit her job as a perfume consultant" ""to pursue a full-time modelling career, is seen here arriving at the whatever, whatever" ""on the arm of her photographer fiancé, Christian Fraser." ""The couple are set to tie the knot later this month."" "So that's that, then." "Off the market." "No hope for us." "Unless...." "What do you think?" "If we both threw ourselves naked in front of him." "Actually, I did that, and it doesn't seem to work, apparently, so...." "I beg your pardon?" "Explain." "Sorry. 1 :59." "Got to get back." "Come on." "But, Ali!" "Hello." "Someone's got a sweet tooth!"