"You're listening to FM 93.8," "Member-supported WPKV." "Up next, a special edition of "Downtown Local"" "Stories of life in the city with Isaac Knott." "This is P.R.N.Y." "Public Radio New York." "From W.P.K.V. In New York" "It's "Downtown Local." I'm Isaac Knott." "I don't remember any of what I'm about to tell you." "I only know what the police and coroner's reports say" "That on the morning of April 5th, 1989, a high-speed car crash occurred on a rural highway in Upstate New York." "There were two fatalities:" "My mother died on impact, my father died of hemorrhaging from a torn pulmonary vein and massive internal injuries." "I'm listed as "male survivor, approximately eight years of age."" "We were going down a road." "Nobody'd said much of anything yet." "The road was supposed to have been longer." "I did a story a while back about a kid who thought something his father had left him was magically making him run faster." "He shows me the patch and my first thought is, it doesn't look like magic." "It's black." "The edges are frayed... and I have to confess, I thought I was" "A little crazy myself." "But then I made two discoveries." "The first had to do with the way people looked at me." "I'd always gotten the stares" "You know, the ones people give you, or avoid giving you?" "But once in a while, wheeling in and out of the current of people," "I'd catch someone looking at me" "And I'd see something else in their eyes" "Jealousy." "They were jealous of me, jealous that I got to sit down and they didn't." "Does that sound crazy to you?" "Because the second thing I found was a pair of magic shoes." "But I'm ahead of myself." "P.R.N.Y. is a small operation." "The whole office has to share one production assistant." "But I got around that by moving my desk next to hers." " Hey, I got you a date." " No, thanks." "Listen to me, forget Raine." "Raine is over." "Charlene kicks Raine's ass." "Is this Charlene A.B.?" "Is she Able-Bodied?" "Yeah." "She's also H.B." " Hot-Bodied." "And she's a lawyer." "She's H.B.L." " Hot-Bodied Lawyer." "Hey, Isaac..." "Does Charlene know about the wheels?" "What, are you Frankenstein?" "You're hot." "Tonight." "I'm calling her right now." "Last week a man apparently walked into Bayside Hospital and bribed a doctor into chopping off his leg." "What was wrong with his leg?" "Nothing." "It's weird." "I can't look away." "It's the kind of story I like." "But the caller has a specific request." "Well, they always do." "She wants to meet Isaac." "Lady, if they're chopping off good legs for money, that's hard news." "She wants to meet Isaac." "This is my purview, Edie." "I'll check it out." "If it's true, if it really happened, I'll call her back." "I know a guy can find anything on anybody." "I also know someone in pathology over there." "So call him, see who gets the story first." "A man walks into a hospital and asks a doctor to chop off his leg." "The caller who gave us this tip left her email address" ""ancient chinese girl."" "I know it all sounded like some elaborate joke." "My contact at Bayside was on duty that night and I was half hoping she'd tell me nothing had happened." "Then the doctor came in and the guy goes to him," ""I want you to amputate my left leg."" "And the doctor goes, "why?"" "Sounds like a joke, right?" "So the guy goes, "because I'll give you $250,000 if you do."" "Candy, no one will know you're my source." "Nothing happened, okay?" "We said no and the guy ran out-- like, literally ran." "Are you telling me a first-year Resident turned down a quarter million dollars?" "It's not easy to cut off a leg, you know." "It takes more than two people." "Does this happen a lot" "People coming in complaining they've got legs?" "This guy was creepy, said, uh..." ""I want a transtibial amputation just below my left knee,"" "like he was ordering off a menu or something, like he knew exactly what part was him and what part wasn't, and the part that wasn't he wanted gone." "Well, if any doctor ever does take the money, call me." "Whoa whoa, Tommy." "Come on." " It's okay." " You gotta watch out." "Hey, it's okay." "All right, so the first time I saw these shoes" "I thought they belonged on Fred Astaire stepping out of a 1950 Desoto-- brown-on-black, wingtip, cartouche." "They used to call them "spectators."" "My ex-girlfriend is a P.W.D.," "Which stands for "a Person With Disability."" "She broke up with me because I was too." "Blind dates can get dicey between A.B.S and P.W.D.S, but I was assured that this blind date didn't care about the chair." "And if you're wondering-- yes, I can have sex." "I just can't catch a cab." "Need some help?" "No, I'm fine." "Don't worry, I'll be your girlfriend." " Sorry?" " My parents used to hitchhike Upstate before they were married." "He'd hide in the bushes and she'd thumb the rides." "Sounds like something my parents would do." "Don't worry about it." "I'd rather be late than give these hacks a dime." "Don't run anybody over." "Thank you." "I'm expecting one more." "Her name is Charlene Coke." "Thanks." "Hello, Charlene Coke." "Oh, here comes the look... followed by the triple-axel- someday-I'll-be- a-better-person shrug." "Very nice." "Not an easy maneuver to pull off." "You can clear this." "I'll be dining alone tonight." "Thanks." ""It was supposed to go straight to the incinerator, comma, but an orderly found the unmarked leg..."" "I'll let you catch up." ""...in the freezer and sent it to pathology instead."" "She lied to you, your contact." "You think that can be a problem?" "'Cause I can see how it can be a problem." "Seriously, is it hard to get people to take you seriously when you interview them?" "Oh, Janice, write me a different intro-- something, uh, icky... and sexy." "I mean, don't blame me." "You had your shot." "He has a crush on me." "That's why he hates you." "He thinks I like you." "Do me a favor, set him up with Charlene." "Don't to me about her." "I'm never speaking to her again." "Yes, is Candy Reed working in the E.R. Today?" "You can" "So this email was from the same caller who'd given me the tip on the amputation story." "I got there and I remember thinking," ""somewhere in this building there are others-- not one, but others who want it to be amputated."" "It never occurred to me that "others" could mean something else entirely." "Last week you were talking about hurting yourself." "I came out to my therapist." "Well, that's-- it might have been a mistake." "She told me when I use my chair" "I stay the same height as a child." "You don't need a therapist to tell you that." "What I need is Ginger Jake." "Then I wouldn't need therapy." "I'd be perfect." "Ginger Jake will kill you." "You think because you came out to your therapist" " you're ready for Ginger Jake?" "Have you found us?" "I hope so." "Ask him how he found us." "Uh, I got an email-  "ancient chinese girl."" " That's her." "That's her email." "She is not here, but since you are, why don't you tell us how you describe yourself, your relationship with your chair?" "Well, I have a paraplegic injury so I guess you could say my chair and I are pretty tight." "It's all right." "It's okay." "You know we're wannabes?" "I don't know what that is." "We want to be like you." "I'm not comfortable using around him..." "Not until I find out why she sent him." "Tell us what you think of us." "What's it like to spend all your time in a chair?" "They don't say "in a chair."" "Sit "on a chair."" "We just want people to accept us, especially people like you." "I'm happy to answer any questions that you have." "Tell us what it feels like not to feel." "Well, I have pretty good sensation, actually, not too much atrophy." "My last running dream was 1992." "I don't believe in hope but I hope to walk again someday, if that makes any sense." "I work out every day" "Orthotron, stim machine." "I swim." "I stay strong so I know when the day comes my legs will be there." "You are perfect." "I have to say, uh... my name is Isaac Knott and I work for Public Radio New York." " What?" " Isaac Knott." "He tells stories on the radio." "Yes, it's true." "I want to tell your stories, all of you." "No, please... please." "Just please" "You said you want acceptance, right?" "Let me put you on the radio." "You can make your case." "This is what I remember:" "We are on our way home, returning from a little league game." "My team lost." "We're going by the tulip farms because my dad hopes the drive will cheer me up." "The weather conditions are normal for a spring day in Upstate New York-- cloudy with showers on the way." "My mother's eating hard candy she keeps in a bag in a glove compartment." "She kisses my father." "She turns to me." "She throws me a piece of candy." "This is where I stop remembering." "Wake up." "Did I tell you I'm having my housewarming party" " and that you're invited?" "If you pity me, Musslewhite, I will kill you." "Okay." "Isaac Knott's desk." "One moment, please." " This is Isaac." " Isaac Knott?" "Right." "Hello?" "Hi." "It's ancient chinese girl." "You never called me back." "Uh, sorry about that." "I-- we get a lot of anonymous calls around here." "I got your email." "I've been studying these people for a long time." " Anonymity is everything to them." " Are you a psychologist?" "No, I study them because, uh," "I want to understand why." "Why?" "Why what?" "Why they want to be paralyzed." "Do you want to understand why, Isaac?" "Listen, can we-- can we meet sometime-- like say, now?" " Hi." " Hi." "I've never actually seen one of these up close." "Is it hard to get a cab around here?" "For me it is." "Hop in." "I'm Fiona." " Isaac." "Mind if I record?" "Why record me?" "Have you eaten lunch?" "There's a great place nearby." "Really?" "Um, well, why don't we go someplace neither of us has ever been?" "I thought you said you'd never been here." "I haven't." "I love the culture." "I specialize in Chinese art and Chinese ice cream." "Oh, man," "I recommend ginger." "It's very good." "Now last night they were talking about someone named Ginger Jake." "Is she Chinese?" "Uh, Jamaican, I think." "What's the deal?" "People go to her to get paralyzed?" "As I understand it, yes." "What does she do to them?" "You know what, pal?" "I'm not the case study here." "Okay?" "You talk first." "What do you want to know?" "Tell me how you became paralyzed." "I was eight." "My parents were driving." "They died." "I lived." "The other driver was underage, so the records were sealed." "I call her "the pompom girl"" "Because I remember seeing these pompoms." "Paralyzed by a cheerleader." "Your turn." "So talk about your friend." "What makes him want to be like me?" "You know, I've never talked about this to anyone." "So why do you think someone would want to be paralyzed who isn't?" "Give me your working theory." "I can't believe I'm talking to you." " About this?" " Yes." "No." "Yes." "No no no no, I mean, it's you, you know?" "I mean, you're, like, the radio guy." "Say whatever you want." "Whoever your friend is, they'll never know I'm quoting you." "Okay okay, um... it's just-- it's harder than I thought it would be." " Why?" " Okay, all right, all right." "Here's the deal, all right?" "I want to know why my friend wants to be a paraplegic, okay?" "So this for me is all about understanding you." "And, you know, then I'll tell you whatever you want." "So, Quid Pro Quo." "I want your life, pal, as a paraplegic, in detail." "You want my life?" "All right." "At my work I have this guy who hates me." "Because you're paraplegic?" "No, because he's a dick." "I have one of those at my job." "Where do you work?" "Um..." "I'm a conservator." "I freelance." "Right now I'm doing the new collection" " at the van Platt Museum." " There you go." "I'm sure Al Qaeda has someone who comes to the cave every morning and somebody whispers," ""that guy has no self-awareness whatsoever."" "Well, maybe he thinks you're a dick." "No, he thinks I'm a gimp." "What is that?" "Is that, like, a reporter thing where later you'll say," ""mentioned the word 'gimp' and she laughs."" " Yes." " Yes?" "I'm painfully aware, okay?" "I'm too aware." "Well, then you know I like you." "Uh-oh, that means you are weird." "No, I'm easy." "I like anybody who likes me, so..." "Okay." "What if I introduced you to my friend?" "Then I'd like that." "Then the question is, what will you do for me?" "Oh, right." "It's always Quid Pro Quo with this girl." "Don't touch that vase." "It's worth more than this building." "Offended?" "I want to know more." "You know how you have apartment fantasies when you're a teenager?" "Mine was to get a place so I could shut the curtains all day and walk around in my Milwaukee brace." "And you know what?" "It's better than I ever imagined." "So this is a sexual thing for you mainly." "People who get off on braces and wheelchairs are called devotees." "They're a joke." "They're the bottom rung." "Above them are the pretenders." "They wear the braces, they push the wheels, but they don't belong to their chairs." "Still, if they want to fantasize, that's their choice." "Then there are the wannabes." "You saw how crazy they are." "What makes you different than a wannabe or a pretender?" "I'm a unique case." "I don't want to be paralyzed." "You don't?" "I already am paralyzed." "I'm just trapped in a walking person's body." "You make me so nervous." "The other day I decided that nervousness is shame someone catches you feeling." "And I ask myself, why am I ashamed?" "And if you are, why do you continue to do this?" "I can't." "I can't." "I guessed you were a T12 or a T11 incomplete." " What was it, a lumbar lesion?" " Not that." "Listen, that's not the problem." "I can have sex." "The problem is, there's someone else." "Who?" "She's paraplegic." "I don't know why I just said that." "I don't describe people by their injuries." "She's-- her name is Raine." "Is she your girlfriend?" "Sort of." "I asked her to marry me." "I don't know if that counts." "She said no." "She has this idea that one person in every marriage should be able to walk." "So that doesn't really-- that doesn't really count." "This is good news." "I'm sure she'll change her mind." "I hope so." "And if she doesn't, she's crazier than I am, and how crazy is that?" "It's not you, Fiona." "You probably think I'd jump anything in a wheelchair." "No, I don't." "I'm just trying to understand." "I've never shown any of this to any living soul, ever." "There are some things you're not supposed to show." "Oh, well." "I don't have to go." "You can talk to me." "I need to use my chair right now and I can't do that in front of you." "You can trust me." "I've been completely honest with you." "Tomorrow I'm gonna use my chair in public for the first time and you, pal, are cordially invited." "And now I want to thank you for a wonderful, so wonderful day." "there are not hundreds but thousands, all of them invisible, unlike the pretenders, the fetishists, the perverts." "Even the amputee wannabes get a name" ""body integrity identity disorder,"" "but for paralysis wannabes there is no known pathology." "The disorder is order." "This is a strange new American dream" "A way to improve yourself a few dead limbs at a time." "But why?" "What makes someone want to be paralyzed who isn't?" "Oh, good shot." "My friend Dave and I met at a Jesuit seminary where I landed after a long series of foster homes." "I think we never really figured out if he was a brother or a father figure," "But he's the only family that I really have." "Dave fell asleep at the wheel of his car when he was 17." "You haven't mentioned Raine." "I haven't seen her in six weeks." "Mm-hmm." "Did you two have a fight?" "Sort of." "I asked her to marry me." " What did she say?" " She broke up with me." "Apparently, I'm not husband material." "You'll never guess why." "You ever have anyone confess they wanted to be an amputee or paralyzed?" "You'd be surprised what some people want to do to themselves." "I'm doing this story..." "I can't discuss what I hear in confession, not even with you." "No, I wouldn't presume" "Uh-huh." "There's a lot of mixed-up people in this world." "Raine is only one of them." "Um..." "Yes, there he is." "Okay, thank you." "Thank you." "Hi." "Whoo." "Are people staring?" "I can't tell if it's just me." "Probably a little of both." "Yeah, well, this was a good suggestion." "Thank you." "Oh My God, that woman is staring at me." "This is an incredible feeling." "Oh, God." "This is so incredible." "You know, I have dreamed about this moment for so long." "It felt like 20 years just to get a cab." "Welcome to hell." "I'll introduce you to the staff." "I want you to stop me if I'm doing anything wrong, okay?" " You're doing fine." " No, seriously," "I want you to tell me if there's anything" "I should be doing differently or shouldn't be doing at all." " Hi." " Hi." "Fiona, this is-- this is Raine." " Who?" " Raine." "Oh." "Oh!" " Hello." " Hi!" "Isaac has told me so much about you." "He talks about you all the time." "This is my friend Fiona." "Hi." "I'm the ex." " Hi." " Apparently, we haven't decided who gets to keep the restaurant yet." " Fiona: right." " Nice chair." "Thank you." "It's a good ride, eh?" "We were just leaving." " Who was leaving?" " Oh, Scott and I." "Who's Scott?" "Yeah, he's just finishing." "Hi, Scott." "Raine, you have to help me." "Isaac and I were just talking about flying to Nevis." "It's a wonderful island." "Have you been?" " No, I haven't." " Oh, well, he won't budge." "I really want to get out of the city, but he just won't do it." "Encourage him." " What the hell, you should do it." " He should." " Yeah, we'll see." " Yeah, he won't budge." "Raine, it's a real pleasure to meet you" "Finally." "Good to meet you, Fiona." "It was good to see you." "Oh My God." "Was I okay?" "What?" "I said something wrong, didn't I?" "You didn't feel me kicking you under the table?" "No." "Just hold on one second." "Raine!" "Hi." "You forgot this." " I'm so sorry." " Don't be." "I've had the most incredible day." "Same here." "Unbelievable." "Isaac, I finally stopped worrying and just started being." "And I found out that I can do anything." "Oops." "Oops." "You know what?" "I got stuck in a building that had the power door in front but no ramp and then a ramp in back with no power door and it pissed me off." "I yelled at some city guy for more curb cuts." "You know what?" "I was just heading out." "Where are you going?" "Uh..." "I was gonna go talk to the door guy or brooster." "You were gonna go talk to the door guy or brooster?" "About what?" "I just didn't want to be alone." "Wake up." "My first thought is," ""there's something in my shoe besides my foot."" "Then I feel a pin dart, then waves of hot pins traveling up my legs." "The urge to stand is overwhelming." "Should I call 911?" "But what would I say?" ""come quickly, I'm being healed"?" "And then it hits me-- maybe I'm not." "When I take the shoes off the hot pins turn to ice and then disappear." "I might as well be trying to move mountains." "This is fucked up." "Holy shit." "You have to trust yourself." "Don't worry about it." "Where can I find Fiona Ankany?" "It's a surprise." "Hey." "Oh, God." "Hello." "I have the coolest news." "I have some pretty cool news myself." "Um..." "I don't know if I should tell you." " What?" " Okay, you first." "You scratch mine, I scratch yours." "Okay." "Well..." "I have decided to come out about my wheelchair." "I'm going to tell my mother." "Yeah, I'm going to tell her and then I'm going to tell everybody." "I'm going to be in my wheelchair 24/7." "Oh, God, that would be heaven." "That would be so heaven, but I'm so nervous and you have to come with me." "I wouldn't miss it." "You wouldn't?" " Do you want to hear mine?" " Yes." "Okay, but it's kind of... visual." "Really?" "Uh-huh." "Should I be scared?" "No." "Oh, God." "I'm so sorry." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "I shouldn't have surprised you like that." " I just couldn't resist." " Oh My God, no." "Wait wait wait wait wait." "What?" "How?" " It was our sex last night." " Shut up." "I don't know how it happened." "The point is, I can walk." "Oh My God, oh My God." "I'm shaking." "Look, you're making me shake." "Look what you're doing to me." " Look at your hands." " No." "Okay, you are weirding me out." "And that is not easy to do." "It's like, did you ever sneeze and feel like it was a second chance?" "You know, I'm walking," "I'm seeing a drunk puke his ass and then three steps later I'm standing in front of a Van Gogh, and I don't know which one is more beautiful." "What?" "I've never used my chair at work." "Oh, that's fantastic." "It was a scene of perfect symmetric insanity-- the walking paraplegic pushing the paralyzed pedestrian." "It was also one of the happiest moments of my life." "I can't move." "I can't move." "Her mother's house was on Long Island." "The plan was to get the chair out as soon as we arrived." "Hi!" "No, not yet, not yet." "Hi, Mama." "Hi, Fiona." "I've just filled the barbeque." "I needed to see her face" "When she found out why we were there." "Let's slide in." "So Isaac is doing a piece on me for Public Radio." "I don't know what made me think of a barbeque." "I'm glad." "I almost stopped to buy some beer." "No, Isaac, I've been sober for almost 16 years." "Congratulations." "Fiona, how's work?" "Oh, I am conserving the most beautiful porcelain elephant, Mama." "It is turning out beautifully, so beautiful." "You know what?" "I should do more sculpting." " I didn't know you sculpt." " Oh, yeah." "I've been thinking of making a porcelain elephant like the one I'm working on." "You don't really sculpt." "I could be that good if I had the time." "You're comparing yourself to the master sculptors?" "Why not?" "There are steps to everything." "I can just follow the steps and in, like, 10 years" "I can be that good." "It's easy." "Anybody could." "It's one thing to scrape the dirt off someone else's work." "I would think you would at least need to take a drawing class." "Okay, I will." "And then I'll take a sculpture class." "And then I'll take whatever class is necessary and eventually I will be at least that good." "You can be whatever you want to be." "But..." "But what?" "Why are we even arguing about this?" "You know what, Mother?" "Who are you to tell me that I can't make a beautiful porcelain elephant, as beautiful or even more beautiful than anyone else can make a porcelain elephant, hmm?" "Who died and made you final arbiter of who can and cannot be a fine sculptor of beautiful porcelain elephants?" " Not one single drawing class." " That's not fair." "Fiona, you never said you wanted to be a fine artist," " not once." " so?" "I mean, wh-- why do I have to say it?" "What if I'm saying it now?" "Is it too late?" "Did I miss the cutoff?" "I don't understand." "It's better to list your accomplishments after you've done them." "Don't you agree, Isaac?" " Don't bring him into this." " I'm just stating the obvi" "Well, it's not fair!" "If you want to walk, people expect you to hurry." "I'm doing my best." "I don't feel like driving." "I've never used a foot break." "You really want to cap this day off with a car accident?" "Just give it." "You know what?" "I'm a joke." "I'm a wannabe just like everyone else in that pathetic group, so pathetic." "Why don't you do a story on yourself?" "I'm not the story." "Oh, you're not the story?" "Oh, that's right." "That's right" ""Why Fiona Wants To Be Paralyzed"" "by Isaac Knott." "Is that funny?" "No." "No, it's not." "You just said "wants to be paralyzed,"" "But you used to say that you thought you already were." "Oh, come on, Isaac, do I look paralyzed to you?" "Why do you care so much what your mother thinks about you?" "Fiona." "I'm just thinking how easy it is to get used to a miracle." "I shouldn't have come up." "You can use my chair." "We both know how this is going to end." " We don't know what's going to hap" " Oh, here it comes." "Listen, pal, you can feel sorry for me." "Let's not pretend that's caring." "I don't feel sorry for you." "No, I know how you feel about me-- "she's not normal."" "What's normal?" ""Normal" is a setting on a washing machine." "No, I don't think it's a setting on a washing machine." "I think we all know how to point and say," ""See?" "That's normal."" "And I don't want anyone pointing at me because I'm normal." "I mean, I-- I mean, I do." "Fiona, I think you have the right to be whatever you want to be." "I don't want to be a wannabe anymore." "You think I don't know what it's like to pretend?" "I'm pretending right now." "Look, I could sit down right now, take off my shoes and my legs would be gone." "What?" "These shoes are making me walk even though I know they can't any more than a patch can make a kid run faster." "Shut up." "What does it feel like when you take them off?" "Like you've just taken a deep breath, but before you can exhale somebody steals it away." "Oh, Isaac." "Please don't." "Shh, it's okay." " I wonder what they'll do to me." " I asked you, please don't" "Shh, it's okay." "Are you making this up?" "Or do you have to wear them both?" " Nothin'." " Please take them off now." "Do you think maybe they pinch a nerve in your foot or stimulate something?" "Now you know." "What?" "If you can just toss me my shoes, I can dry off here." "It's the worst" "Handling my own wet legs." "It's like trying to nail jell-o to the ceiling." "Hey." "Come on." "Are you gonna make me crawl?" "I thought it would go away when I met you, but it didn't." "And then when I saw that you weren't paralyzed and you were so happy it made me want to be happy walking." "And I almost was." "You know, I mean, I tried." " I really did, I tried." " Can you just toss me my shoes?" "I will..." "After you help me become a T12 paraplegic." "Like you're ordering off a menu." "It's important to be an authentic person if at all possible." "Paralyze yourself." "No, it has to be you." "Why does it have to be me?" ""Why Fiona Wants To Be Paralyzed by Isaac Knott."" "Okay?" " Wait." " So do we have a deal?" "Why would someone want to be paralyzed who isn't?" "I can't answer that." "You think I choose to be this way?" "Do you have any idea how many people in my life" "I've lost because I revealed myself to them?" "I'll tell you why as soon as you tell me where those people went." "I need to find Ginger Jake." "Why would you need Ginger Jake?" "Making arrangements for a friend." "Ginger Jake's effectiveness is variable." "Look, it's not me asking, so let's say it's not you telling." "I just need to know where to find her." ""I can't eat." "I can't talk." "Been drinking Mean Jake, Lord, now I can't walk." "Ain't got nothing left to lose, a Jake-Walking Papa with the Jake Walk Blues."" "#..." "I can't eat, I can't talk # # been drinking Mean Jake, Lord, now I can't walk # # ain't got nothing now to lose # # 'cause I'm a Jake-Walking Papa with the Jake Walk Blues... #" "a true wannabe knows every possible way to become paralyzed." "Auto accidents are thought to be too unpredictable." "There are drugs to render your bones so brittle that a wrong twist getting out of your chair will do the trick." "Or you can puncture your vertebrae with a four-inch spinal needle." "But there's one path to paralysis that excites a wannabe's imagination above all others." "It's called TriOrthoCresyl Phosphate." "They use it to soften plastic." "This is Ginger Jake." "It'll paralyze your legs, your arms." "If you wanna fuck yourself up, you be my guest." "Okay, I'm not being a bitch, but I will give you back your shoes in little cut-up pieces of leather if you don't help me." " I'm not helping you." " You will." "Come to my apartment." "We'll do it there together." "Fiona, whatever fucked-up thing happened to you, you don't deserve to be paralyzed." "Oh, but you do?" "You still have no idea, do you?" "I never talked about this." "So why do you think someone would want to be paralyzed?" "Give me your working theory." "I can't believe I'm talking to you." " About this?" "No." "Yes." "No, it's you." "No." "Yes." "No." "You know, it's you." "...It's you, right?" "I mean" "Driving by the tulip farms." "The flowers are red." "The pompoms are... red and white." "Wake up." "You said you knew a guy who could get anything on anybody, right?" "Yeah." "Me." "Look, I need to know if Fiona Ankany is the girl who crashed into my parents' car" "18 years ago." "The records were sealed." "Well, did you ask her?" "I don't think she'd tell me." " What did she tell you?" " I didn't ask her anything about that." "Well, you know, I don't want to lecture here, but it's kind of question-and-answer." "You know, you have to ask the questions, unless you really don't want to know the answer." "Are you okay?" "You think I'm fucked in the head." "No, I think you're gangbanged in the head." "Okay, you are wigging." "You hurt me and I hurt you-- that's what this is about." "I've tried to imagine what it must have looked like to you in the back seat." "At the police station my mother told me you had survived." "She said that you'd be stuck in a wheelchair the rest of your life." "But I was glad, because when I left you, you were lying on the road and I thought you were dead." "You keep the shoes." " You're hysterical." " I'm about to be hilarious." "Hysterical blindness, hysterical pregnancy" "You have hysterical paralysis." "Isaac, how many doctors have you let examine you in your life?" "What makes a person want to be paralyzed who isn't?" "I used to think if aliens landed and they saw all the able-bodied people and then they saw the people on their wheelchairs, they would say that those must be the Kings and Queens because they have special ramps and they never have to get up." "I have this fantasy that maybe someday after we haven't seen each other in some time..." "I'll hear you say that you forgive me like, on the radio-- you know, say my name maybe." "That was the last time I saw her." "I went back to her apartment, but she'd moved out almost overnight." "There was no forwarding address." "I know a guy who can find anything on anybody, and even he doesn't know where she went." "Her mother doesn't know either." "I went to see her and we talked about that day, the morning it happened." ""Do you feel any responsibility for the crash?"" "She just stares off, contemplating the fairness of a question she will never answer." "Now it's November, two months since I've seen her." "This is the second time in my life she's crashed into me and then vanished." "I find myself going back to places we'd been together" "Not in the way you do when you can't get over someone," "I just go to think about her and to feel... restored." "Isaac Knott," "Public Radio New York." "Subtitles by LeapinLar"