"( theme music playing )" "due to a complicated set of circumstances which i will not bore you with at the moment, i have once again managed to locate the original copy of the portrait of the fallen madonna with the big boobies by van clomp," "together with the picture of the cracked vase with the big daisies by van gogh." "that is on the credit side." "on the debit, i have to tell you that these two paintings are currently hidden in the beams of an old sawmill, which is now the headquarters of the local communist resistance." "on saturday next, i am due to marry denise laroque, an old childhood sweetheart of mine, who is now head of the communist resistance." "this lady, i have to tell you, has an understandable passion for me." "this, of course, is not very popular with edith, whom i was expecting to remarry to get my hands back on the deeds of my cafe." "is it any wonder, then, that my hands are shaking?" "yvette:" "rene... ow, drat!" "what are you doing?" "cutting my throat, my love." "rene." "why have you been avoiding me?" "because, yvette, you dropped me right in it when you told my wife you were going to marry me." "she was very cross, and who is to blame her?" "women do not like other women marrying their husbands." "but that was before i knew that you were being forced to marry denise laroque." "fortunately, edith was so distraught at the time, i was able to convince her that she had misunderstood you." "but in the meanwhile, we must be more discreet." "rene, now that we are alone, let us have one embrace." "oh, very well." "edith:" "rene." "rene, i-- why has yvette got on her face shaving soap?" "you stupid woman!" "have you got no feelings?" "she has in her veins strong peasant blood." "as a result of this, she grows a mustache every three months." "this has hitherto been kept a secret." "now you come blundering in here, and in 24 hours the whole village will hold her up to ridicule." "oh, rene, i swear i will say nothing." "poor child." "oh, rene, give me the razor, you have missed a bit." "come here, gruber." "yes, colonel." "general von klinkerhoffen has given me a flea in my ear about the paintings stolen from the safe in your room." "most regrettable." "he is going to order me to shoot people if they're not recovered." "oh, dear." "that would make you very unpopular." "you would not be able to sit outside cafe rene, drinking schnapps, and enjoying the sunshine." "it would make this whole occupation thing most unpleasant for me." "what are we to do?" "my instinct tells me rene has the key to the situation." "but he has been kidnapped by the communists." "no, he's back in the cafe." "oh, what a relief." "gruber, tell me, how would you describe your relationship with rene?" "well, just the normal conqueror and oppressed peasant." "come, come." "you know you have a certain rapport with him." "you must wheedle out from him, some indication of the whereabouts of the paintings." "but, colonel, i do not wheedle very well." "what inducements do you suggest that i should offer?" "let me think." "i know." "tell him if he doesn't play ball, he'll be the first one strung up in the town square." "i'll slip it into the conversation." "somehow." "( singing off-key ) ♪ hear my song ♪" "♪ the whole letter ♪" "♪ hear my song-- ♪ monsieur leclerc, when you get to that little bit, you do not follow me." "well, that is because i do not know where you are going." "now, have you tuned the piano?" "of course." "i have tuned it to match your voice, madame." "good, let us try a little scale." "( coughs )" "( off-key ) ♪ do re mi fa ♪" "♪ so la ti do-o-o. ♪ now you play." "( piano plays out of tune ) perfect!" "madame edith, i have brought michelle of the resistance." "she is in the back room." "oh." "good." "see that we are not disturbed." "you sent for me?" "yes." "now listen very carefully, i shall say this only once." "if rene marries denise laroque he will join the communist resistance and you will lose the services of the bravest man in all of france." "i agree." "he is our hero." "we made him." "the credit must not go to the loony left." "i have a plan." "denise laroque will be stealing her bridal gown from the dress shop of madame lenare." "it is the one in the window with the thick veil." "while she is doing this, your people must kidnap her." "i will take her place at the altar." "once rene is married to me, she can never wed him, because, despite being a ruthless, murdering, bombing, blackmailer, she is a good catholic." "this is an excellent plan." "does rene know?" "it is best he is kept in complete ignorance." "rely on us." "we will see to it." "it is a very serious situation, helga." "what is worse, today i received a very heavy letter from my uncle heinrich." "heinrich himmler?" "the head of the gestapo." ""dear otto, i am most displeased with your lack of progress." "hitler still does not have the painting of the fallen madonna with the big boobies, which he promised to eva for her birthday, and you have provided no evidence of the plot to blow up the fuhrer." "what is more, you have so far cost us two staff cars, one blown up, and one flattened by a steamroller." "what sort of a gestapo are you running up there?" "get your act together or you could find yourself limping around the russian front, your affectionate uncle heiny."" "he sounds very cross." "i have information that there is to be some resistance activity at the church of saint paul, in the rue de vallee, next saturday." "do you wish me to be present, herr flick?" "we will both be present." "we will observe, and if necessary, we will act." "very well, herr flick." "now, would you like me to kiss you?" "no." "good night." "now understand, i am closing the cafe for the rest of the evening." "no one is to enter." "it is a busy night." "we will be losing much money." "i know, but it doesn't matter." "i have prepared a little surprise for rene." "i have planned for him to have a romantic candlelit dinner." "who with?" "with me, of course." "it is for me to wish him one last fond farewell before he marries another." "it is terrible." "with that laroque woman he will be dead within one week." "unless the bullets get him first." "oh, here he is." "ah, edith, i see you are wearing another new dress." "does this mean you are to try out a new cabaret on your unsuspecting public?" "no, rene, it is for you." "take off your apron and follow me into the back room." "edith, will this take long?" "about two hours." "come." "edith, i have a business to run, you know." "see, there are candles, there are flowers." "you know what this means?" "your mother is dead." "do you not recall?" "this is the way the table was set for dinner the first night of our honeymoon." "i have planned that we should end our days together just as we started them." "it's not a suicide pact, is it?" "rene, you are overwrought." "sit down." "see, i hand you your napkin as i did that night." "on the table, are all the cards our friends sent us, to wish us good luck and happiness." "now, a little wine." "thank you, edith." "this is the same wine we drank that night." "lucky we remembered to put the cork back in." "this is the same dress that i wore that first night." "see, it still has the little tear." "oh, yes." "you did it on the bathroom door when you were rushing in to get undressed." "yes, it all comes flooding back on a tidal wave of memories." "you were 16, the best looking girl in the street." "come to think of it, you were the only girl in the street." "dear edith, you are very sweet." "i do not deserve you." "perhaps i never did." "here am i about to marry another, and you are being so brave." "you are reminding me of all the things i shall miss about you." "you have arranged everything as it was all those years ago." "the flowers, the candles, the table-- all as it was in that little private room, in that little hotel." "there is one more thing that is still the same." "the bill?" "no." "( bell rings )" "you rang?" "oh, yes. your mother got us a special price because she worked there." "did he remember all this, or was he drunk, like i said?" "he remembered, mamma." "you may serve the first course." "i have prepared the same menu." "we dined, we drank, we talked, we went to bed in each others arms, and at the stroke of midnight-- consomme?" "not that night, no." "good evening, officer." "you cannot go inside." "the coffee is shat for the nit." "no, no, no." "i'm not a customer." "i bring flowers for madame edith." "doozies." "very protty." "would you give them to madame edith with my compliments?" "i will see that they are put in some witter." "excuse me, you will understand my impatience, but i am hoping that madame edith will shortly be my bride." "no doubt you will be very plosed to see monsieur ronnie out of the wee." "'allo, soldier." "how would you like a good time with a naughty girl?" "how are you doing?" "nothing." "how about you?" "no good." "but it is to be expected." "i do not have your experience." "there is an art in attracting soldiers." "it is a mixture of the subtle with the obvious." "( whistles ) mimi:" "you." "there's a dead chicken on your head." "you have perfected the obvious." "how about 1000 francs for a good time?" "sorry, i am italian hero." "some women give me a million lira just for one kiss of my lips." "bend down." "what a mistake to make." "( captain screams ) good evening, monsieur alphonse." "are you looking for a naughty girl to give you a good time?" "please, mademoiselle, i am a well respected member of this community, a pillar of society, a cornerstone of the establishment." "how much?" "your coffee, colonel." "thank you, madame edith." "oh, forgive me." "you're very much on the edge, madame edith." "i am all fingers and thumbs." "i have to attend a wedding." "oh, anyone we know?" "oh, it is a very private affair." "if you will excuse me?" "just one thing, before you go." "it is most important that i wheedle-- that i have a talk to rene." "i am sorry, he is busy." "he is here?" "yes, but he is busy." "madame edith, you are wanted in the back room." "oh, thank you." "excuse me, colonel." "gruber, he's avoiding you." "we must find out where the paintings are." "go and find him, search the building." "use force if necessary." "yes, colonel." "listen very carefully, i shall say this only once." "we have captured denise laroque." "we have her down a mine shaft with a big slab of stone on top." "we are holding her until after the ceremony." "here is the dress." "we have little time." "come, we must hurry." " keep still, monsieur." " but... how are the trousers?" "tight under the arms." "they were stolen from the 500 franc tailor." "burglars cannot be choosers." "there-- very smart." "it really is very good of you to agree to be my best man at such short notice." "it is an honor, monsieur." "perhaps when you are safely wed to denise laroque, the fanatical leader of the communist resistance, then madame edith might agree to make me a happy man." "i thought you wanted to marry her." "gruber: rene?" "so you are also going to the wedding?" "there would be no wedding without him-- he is the groom." "the groom?" "you?" "rene, you did not tell me." "it was all a bit sudden." "not a shotgun wedding?" "more in the nature of an automatic with a silencer on it." "forgive me, i must sit down." "this has been a shock to me." "a severe shock." "i had the distinct impression that you were not the marrying kind." "it was an offer i could not refuse." "rich, is she?" "what business is she in?" "the demolition business." "would i be allowed to attend the ceremony to say goodbye?" "of course, but... wear plain clothes." "( crinkling )" "my fingers are trembling." "my heart is all a flutter." "the veil is very thick." "no one will notice you have taken the place of mademoiselle laroque until it is too late." "rene will be so thrilled when he sees he is married to me." "i cannot wait to see his face." "you should be marrying that undertaker." "he has everything a woman could want-- money and a dicky ticker." " bride or groom?" " bride." " bride or groom?" " groom." "groom." "groom." " bride or groom?" " mind your own business." "bride or groom?" "organist." " bride or groom?" " groom." "go on, gruber, ask him." "this is a most inappropriate moment." "this could be an appropriate moment to send you back to the russian front." "ask him." "rene... have you any idea what has become of the painting of the fallen madonna, with the big things that i cannot mention in church?" "and the cracked vase with the big daisies?" "they are safe, colonel." "i have been so busy getting engaged and things, i forgot to mention it to you." "thank god for that." "you could kneel down and do it properly." "there he is." "how handsome he looks." " and romantic." " and brave." "and nervous." "i hope your plan will work." "of course it will." "if it is not a proper priest, it is not a proper wedding." "the bride." "( plays "here comes the bride" )" "( singing to melody of "o, tannenbaum" )" "do you know the words, herr flick?" "most certainly not." "but in order not to arouse suspicion, we will open and shut our mouths like goldfish." "there is no one to give her away." "with the communists, everyone is equal-- they give themselves away." "are you nervous?" "terrified." "rene, it is not too late for you to change your mind." "there is a fire exit through the vestry." "we could run." "it has been done before, nobody would think any the worse of you." "there are 20 pistols trained on me." "my god, what have you done to this girl?" "she's arrived." "stand up." "my legs have gone." "denise, are you wearing low heels, or standing with your knees bent?" "monsieur, what is the matter?" "i am hallucinating." "not in your burgled trousers." "i have just seen the face of edith." " where?" " under the veil." "impossible." "my god, the woman i love." "i will take your place, monsieur." "what do you mean?" "she will not see through that thick veil." "those gun-toting communists would see." "if they suspect any monkey business, we are dead ducks." "i will have to go through with it." "i do not know what you are whispering about, but if i can give any assistance, i will be most willing." "here comes the priest." "which one are they using?" "i do not know him." "they have brought out for you one of the most senior clerics." "it is not the pope, is it?" "let us hope this works." "dearly belived." "we are githered togother in the presence of gid to jane this women and this min in haly weedlock." "i do not understand what he is saying." "these roman catholic services are always conducted in latin." "( theme music playing )"