"Where do we go?" "Er... "Where are we going?"" "OK, where are we going?" "Yeah, that's it." "Tell me, where are we going?" "Oh, my God." "OK." "We're going to the... wuh-wuh-fuh-fuh-wuh." "What?" "The what?" "I said, the wuh-wuh-fuh-fuh-wuh." "What's the matter?" "No comprende?" "No, I..." "Oh, so I can't tell you, then, can I?" "Wuh-wuh-fuh-fuh-wuh?" "It's done." "Dumped him." "Just now." "Yeah, I think he took it pretty well." "This room is just great." "You've got your lamp there and the shelves with the books on it." "That poster of Professor Robert Winston, who I love, by the way." "Then, where I'd have pictures of hotties, you've got stuff that you're actually interested in." "And that is just hilarious." "What is?" "The monkey in the picture." "The monkey." "Craig?" "That's my brother..." "Craig." "He has a genetic condition that affects bone structure and hair growth." "It's incredibly rare." "Oh, God." "I'm so sorry." "It must be so hard for your family." "He doesn't live at home." "He's a colonel in the army." "Wow!" "What regiment is he in?" "!" "The Royal Banana Regiment!" "I mean, what the hell, JP?" "!" "Of course that's not my brother, you dickhead!" "You're..." "That's funny!" "You're funny." "You try to be funny and you are!" "You're funny." "OK, I've got to go." "No." "Don't go." "I have to organise this quiz for the union." "It's for charity, so..." "Oh, fucking charity." "Where will it end?" "First I have to put up with Sport Relief, now this." "But maybe see you tomorrow for my birthday thing." "Yeah, defo." "Can't wait." "Bit keen." "Stop right there." "Have you been sat in the hallway all night?" "When you have a collapsible chair, you can sit wherever the hell you like, my friend." "And where, may I ask, were you?" "I was... in the geology library." "The geology library?" "Yes." "All night?" "All night." "Pulled an all-nighter." "In that case, then, you'll be able to answer me this." "Where is the geology library?" "Damn you!" "You cunning bastard!" "You were with her, weren't you?" "Look, Howard, I gave you your window." "You slept with her?" "Yeah, twice." "You put your dick through my window?" "I'd still be in bed with her now if she wasn't out doing stuff." "A brainy quiz for a lovely charity." "It's classic Sam." "I know how clever and nice Sam is." "I mean, before I met her, I thought that I was clever and funny and nice, which obviously I am, but how clever and funny and nice?" "That's the question." "Would sir care for some cheese with his sour grapes?" "See?" "Funny AND clever." "Although admittedly not that nice." "That's not dumping him." "Course it is." "I took him to a crowded place and I dumped him." "That's fly-tipping." "You fly-tipped a Mexican in a busy department store in Rochdale." "Oh, what else can I do?" "!" "I can't talk to him." "Non hablo Pablo, remember?" "So, learn some." "Muddle through." "You just need to talk and be honest." "Oh, yeah, yeah." "Oh, let's all be honest all the time." "Let's all say everything we mean." "Brilliant!" "Sorry, are... are you being sarcastic?" "Because everything you just said..." "Hey, guys." "Oh, hi, Candice." "Um... no big deal, and I'm not trying to tell you what to do, but don't call a group of women "guys"." "I find it quite jarring." "OK, sorry." "I just had an amazing lecture." "OK." "I don't mind, obvs, but, um... maybe you want to dial down the enthusiasm when you're with your peers?" "Whatever!" "Chaucer with Professor Shales." "He's very cool." "No." "No, he is not cool, OK?" "Yeah, he is." "He read a bit out and almost started to cry." "He was drinking a Starbucks and he kept talking about his hangover." "He's about as cool as Fearne Cotton wearing a baseball cap on sideways saying "Peace out"." "He's not cool." "Do not think he's cool." "He's thinking about having a little salon for me and some of his other top students at his place." "In his camper van?" "You can't have a salon in a camper van." "It's true he lives in a camper van?" "I thought it was an urban myth." "Load of girls, are they, all his top students?" "Plenty of skirt?" "I don't know, but he gave me an A." "I think we're on the same wavelength." "Gave me loads of advice." "Please show me your essays, Candice." "Why?" "I know what to look for." "The comments." "This is how it starts." "Let me have a look." "Oh." "Here we go." "Are flowers for Josie weird?" "Vod thinks they're weird." "But then Vod calls me Lord Snooty for using a bottle opener instead of my teeth." "Is this cos you were humping Heather whilst humping Josie?" "Feeling guilty, Giggsy?" "No." "What have I got to be guilty about?" "Heather seems to be in Hong Kong indefinitely, so no guilt." "I've got nothing to hide, so long as no-one knows." "Ooh, actually, Knutsford, could you help me a sec?" "OK, so, basically, I'm drafting this text message to Sam, and I want it to say something along the lines of," ""I have received your instructions" ""for tomorrow evening, and I agree to them."" "But that sounds a bit dry." "So, do I go something high concept like, "I'm on it something chronic"?" "Or something way simpler like, "Sweet" or "Big-time"?" "Or, my current favourite..." ""Yes"?" "Yeah, sounds great." "Send and bend." "What the fuckle-doodle-do is that?" "Nothing." "Oh, hiya!" "Oh, my God." "You've really gone and done it now, haven't you?" "JP, chill out." "It's just a Kingsley flap." "Vod!" "Come and look at what they've done now!" "What do you mean, done now?" "Eurgh!" "It's so that the zoo animals can diddle with each other 24/7." "Call the verminator." "We have been infested with a house couple." "Oh..." "You live with your husband." "Not any more, mate." "Yeah, well, you're gonna be getting a break from us." "We're going to Buxton for an amazing weekend." "We are?" "Yeah, camping." "Oh!" "No... er, yeah." "I thought that was just an idea." "But, no, I love camping." "In an actual tent?" "Yes, an actual tent." "Hm." "Huh?" "When did you get back?" "Since half an hour." "There's a direct bus from Rochdale seven minutes after the hour." "Right, I didn't know that." "From outside wuh-wuh-fuh-fuh-wuh." "Yeah." "Where did you go?" "I look around, you're gone." "You extinguished your phone." "What is the fuck?" "To be honest, I was sort of hoping you'd get the hint." "Hint?" "What is hint?" "Well, a hint is when you drop someone off in Rochdale cos you need them to move out." "Oh, you know, JP is being an arsehole about me subletting my room and stuff." "JT?" "JT wants me to go?" "No, I'm saying... they all do." "And you?" "You think what?" "I guess it's for the best." "Are you, er... going now?" "Cos that'd be ideal." "I'm going to play football." "What?" "Who with?" "Humphrey, Sergei, Italo." "Some of the boys from Pret." "When are you going, then?" "Javier?" "Oi!" "Don't spit in the bin, you weirdo!" "Chinga a tu puta madre!" "Yeah, yeah!" "Well, Y Tu Mama Tambien... mate!" "Hello?" "Morning." "Made you some tea." "Why?" "What's going on?" "Nothing." "Just a delicious brew." "Look, JP, I overreacted." "I'm sorry." "I can see that you and Sam belong together." "I am the..." "Rhys Ifans to your Hugh Grant and Julia Roberts." "So, it's fine." "I'll gladly step aside." "That's... very decent of you." "Ooh, you went for the Earl." "Feel free to have a second dip of the bag." "And if you... need me to help you with her, I'll help." "Like Rhys Ifans probably did in that film." "I personally couldn't take it past the hour mark." "OK, what's the stratagem here, Howard?" "Wait for me to let down my guard and then cut my face off and wear it as a mask so that you can sneak into Sam's room and try and hump her?" "I was a little sore." "You're right." "But, JP, really, she's out of my league." "Yeah." "I am a eunuch and I belong in my cave." "Oh, Howie!" "You..." "lovely, cockless freak." "Oi?" "I wondered... if we should do the charity quiz together." "Couldn't hurt with Sam." "How nice you are is directly related to how much you do for charity." "Right, I've brought sambuca, eight WKD reds, some ouzo, and 15 individually sealed plastic glasses of wine called Froglet, on offer." "What have you brought?" "Er... a very ripe Stilton and some traditional lemonade." "Great!" "How about we just pour it all into the bag and see what we get?" "Not the Stilton, obviously." "Are you making cocktails in a rubble sack?" "I've done it before." "It doesn't leak, and it's easier to pack than a punch bowl." "Plus it's fun, you know." "You take it in turns to hit the punch bag." "Ha-ha!" "Yeah." "OK, although it is only 11.20." "Yeah." "I know, thank God." "We've got a lot to get through." "I just thought we could go for a walk, get the papers, have a pub lunch." "Yeah, although who wants to be eating and reading when you could be drinking and humping?" "OK, great, yeah, then later, I thought we might just sit by the light of the moon and explore every inch of each other, mentally, physically and emotionally." "Uh-huh." "Yeah." "Sounds... fun." "Too much?" "I just really want to strip away all the bullshit and just stare into each other's eyes, not just sit in a field, slowly emptying a bin bag full of booze." "Right, it's not a bin bag and it's not just booze." "I also brought Kettle Chips." "Good morning." "Morning, guys." "I, um... hard-poached some eggs, if you want some." "Eurgh." "Looks like a spunky bathtub." "Eggs." "Eggs, you say?" "Interesting." "From domesticated chickens which, of course, originate from which species of wild bird?" "Anyone?" "Um..." "I think red jungle fowl?" "But they were interbred with grey jungle fowl or Sonnerat's jungle fowl to create the species we have now, so..." "Congratulations, Candice." "We would like you to join our charity quiz team." "Oh, wow." "Great." "My tutor mentioned this." "Sounds ace." "Welcome to the one spot in which I can realistically excel." "Er... excuse me." "It's really rude to ask her and not me." "I'm right here." "Vod, it's not personal." "We just don't think you know very much." "Fuck you!" "I know tons!" "I know which way the wind's blowing and I know why the fucking caged bird sings." "I know how many beans make five." "That could be useful." "You're in." "Hey, Javier!" "Buenos Aires!" "Buenos Aires to you too!" "So, who wants a crayfish sandwich I bring home yesterday?" "Oh..." "Er... hell, yeah." "One for Howard." "Gracias." "And one for Candice." "And one for... my main man!" "Hey!" "Er... what about me?" "Pardon me?" "Can I have one, please?" "No!" "No crayfish sandwich for Vod." "Only... parsnip crisps for you." "You want parsnip crisps?" "So, it's really funny, guys." "Yesterday, my wife, she left me at the wuh-wuh-fuh-fuh-wuh." "At the what?" "She says you want me to leave." "What did you say that for, Vod?" "Course we don't want Javier to go." "It... it's a space thing." "Er... well, I'm the landlord round here, so it's my call, and I say... the Mexican stays." "End of." "Well, he's my husband and maybe..." "I don't want him staying." "Well, it's my quiz team and maybe I don't want you in that." "Javier?" "Mi gente, how would you like to be part of my quiz team?" "Er... what is quiz?" "Second thoughts, probably not." "Let's ask Oregon." "So, it's come to my attention you've been marking my marking." "Yeah, well, I thought you might want to have another go at it." "And I think I'm happy with my assessment." "An A-, Tony, for this piece of work?" "It's a good essay." "Oh, sure it is!" "Telling her to have a look at the Freudian critical approach as a good way in?" "Oh, yeah, that's a great way in!" "I think it is." "Stop trying to have sex with Candice Pelling." "Oregon!" "I am not." ""Could probe deeper?"" ""Good"?" ""Excellent"?" "Tony, come on." "Oregon, I am not looking to replace you." "I loved you." "I still do." "Even though you ruined my life and turned my wife and son against me." "And I look at all the hurt I've caused and I hate myself more than you ever can." "Because I know I'd do it all again in an instant." "So, Candice is just amazing at English?" "She's read a massive amount." "Oh, sure." "I've got a Kindle, Tony." "Up here." "You don't know how much I've read because I don't feel the need to go on and on about it." "Good night." "So, having compiled our skill sets," "I can safely say that, while individually we are decent, combined, we're the Power Rangers of quizzing." "Sorry, who were the, um...?" "They were TV crime fighters that wore different coloured motorbike courier outfits, and became a force of war when they stood on each other's shoulders." "It was pretty trippy." "Anyway, this is how we're dividing it up." "Howard, you're taking computing, maths, snack foods, Scotland, geology, politics, the sciences, history, religion, football, metallurgy, flags, botany, archaeology, architecture, miscellaneous and voodoo." "Check." "I've got coats of arms, Ben Stiller movies." "Oregon." "You've got art, fashion, Christmas number ones, semiprecious stones." "Um..." "Candice." "You're taking classical music, animals, cuisine, European Union and literature." "Check." "Wait." "I should have literature." "Well, Candice asked for literature." "I'm a second year." "I know one more year than her." "Well, you can share." "Category sharing's fine." "Me and Howard are sort of sharing coats of arms, anyway." "So, hang on, all you're bringing to the table is Ben Stiller movies?" "And I'm OK with Swiss ski resorts." "Anyway, I'm the captain." "That's what I'm "bringing to the team"." "Shouldn't Howard be the captain?" "No." "JP's the captain." "We've submitted our team already, so JP is perfect captain material." "Exactly." "So, eggheads, hit the books." "I'll start strategising." "All right, we can category share, but all the answers go through me." "OK, Candice?" "I have the final say, but we're equal." "Some are more equal than others." "That's from Animal Farm." "Correct." "I know it's correct." "So, it's irrelevant you additionally noting I was correct." "Help!" "I've been captured by Craig!" "Your brother Craig, the chimp in the army!" "Right." "Aaah!" "Aaah!" "Hee-hee-hee!" "Don't worry." "The monkeys have not really enslaved mankind." "It's... it's funny." "Meant to be." "It is funny." "It's not fancy dress." "You do know that?" "Yeah, I know." "It's just that we're funny." "That's one of the things we have in common." "I took your joke from yesterday and I ran with it." "Well, come in, then." "LOUD MUSIC PLAYING" "How long are we gonna do this?" "It's trippy, isn't it?" "Yeah, but I do have to say that it's not totally my thing, the staring, but presumably it's just the preamble to the shag of the century?" "Maybe we should do it less pissed, tomorrow?" "No, no, let's..." "let's get it out the way." "I mean, not out of the way." "You know." "Under our belts!" "Oh, um..." "I actually need the loo." "Well, just unzip the door and flop out the old hose, then." "Yeah, I just..." "I'll find a tree." "Oh, Kingsley!" "Can you just hurry up?" "Let's hump!" "Is that what this has come down to?" "I was hoping to make languorous love rather than just clang our genitals together like a pair of sexbots." "Oh, piss off." "Given that I, you know, actually, I... actually love you!" "Oh." "OK." "Well..." "Thank you." "Don't mention it." "Gonna go for my wee." "I may be some time." "'Ey up." "You all right?" "Nice threads, mate." "Yeah, very nearly wore that myself, actually." "I just couldn't decide." "Monkey in cage or shirt and jeans?" "I went shirt and jeans in the end." "Er... yeah, mate, you can't laugh at me, you can only laugh with me, because I'm making a joke." "All right, mate." "There's no need to go ape!" "Oh, what a fucking prick." "He's my brother." "Oh, God." "He's..." "He's not, is he?" "No." "So, I've got some brilliant news." "The monkey's agreed to release you?" "No." "I'm entering the quiz." "We've got a team." "OK!" "Then, on behalf of everyone with prostate cancer, many thanks." "I..." "I fucking hate cancer." "Don't you?" "It's just shit, isn't it?" "So, who's captain?" "I am." "OK." "Very brave." "Yeah, I just really hate cancer so..." "Brave?" "Why?" "Cos of the whole captains-only round." "The final." "You knew about that?" "Yeah!" "Oh, yeah, I know about the..." "the captains-only round." "You know." "Roll on the captains-only round!" "Let's stop pissing around and sort out cancer!" "Brilliant!" "Last night in the tent, Kingsley dropped the fucking L-bomb." "He said, "I love you."" "Jesus." "Yeah, n-nice one." "Way to kill the mood." "I know!" "God, I hate men." "Using the love glove to make you wear the guilt kilt." "What did you say back?" "Thank you." "Ooh, thank you!" "Did you shake his hand?" "Fuck off, all right?" "He caught me off guard." "He... punched me in the back of the head with his love." "Are you gonna say it back?" "I don't know." "I want to." "I think I should." "It's like I owe him some emotional money." "I reckon just say it back." "Boosh." "Sorted." "Put that in your pipe and smoke it." "Fuck off!" "Yeah, I sort of want to." "But I think if I do, that means I've agreed to marry him, get a mortgage, and buy adjoining funeral plots, you know?" "Look, I'd better go." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "It's full of fluids." "Look, let's just leave it." "It clearly wants us to." "Look, about what I said last night." "It didn't really come out how I'd imagined it." "What's that?" "Is this ours?" "Well, I don't think anyone else had sex in the tent." "It's empty." "I mean, were you definitely wearing it?" "Yes, Miss Marple." "Look, just chuck it in with all the other detritus." "Are you sure you had it on, you know, when you actually...?" "I think so." "You made me drink about a gallon of booze." "I remember it going on, but maybe it... popped off." "Popped off?" "Sometimes it's hard to get purchase." "So, I'm now pregnant because you've got a thin penis?" "It's not thin, it's just smooth." "Oh, it's smooth?" "Oh, fab!" "I'm going out with Teflon Tony, who may or may not deign to use contraception, and I think there is definitely something on my leg." "OK, well, if it's only on your leg..." "Yes." "Maybe a bit dribbled onto my leg and the rest swam like a salmon into the source of my vagina and, as we speak, is leaping into my ovaries and fertilising my eggs and getting ready to ruin my entire future!" "Look, it's happened now so, you know, what do we do?" "Find a chemist." "Morning-after." "I've got 24 hours for 95% effectiveness. 48 hours for 85%." "Excellent morning-after-pill stat retention." "OK, fine." "Fuck the tent." "Let's go." "OK." "So, here's a funny thing." "I've been informed that the final round of the quiz is for team captains only." "Did you know that?" "In fact, you must have known, because you entered the team and made me captain and paid 100 quid, I assume?" "That's right." "How amazingly generous of you." "Though I can't help but wonder why you would go to such lengths to get me into a situation where I am answering quiz questions in front of hundreds of people including the girl that I'm in love with." "I just thought you'd be the best person under pressure." "Bullshit!" "I can see right through you, Howard." "Like a book!" "Oh, skewered again." "You're not really my wingman!" "You don't think that I'm intelligent." "You think that I'm stupid." "And you think that Sam will see that I'm stupid." "Well, I've got news for you." "I am not stupid." "In fact, I am the opposite of stupid." "Clever?" "Exactly!" "So, it won't work." "OK, where the bloody hell is this village?" "Why isn't it here?" "It's..." "What?" "!" "It's still two miles?" "!" "How is it always two miles?" "Maybe we're on a ring road." "Oh, great!" "So, you've infected me with your sperm." "I now have a parasite growing inside me." "It's like a tapeworm, except a tapeworm makes you thin and a baby makes you fat and exhausted." "OK, new plan." "To the pub, with expensively roasted meats." "Kingsley, I need to take the morning-after pill." "That's why it's called the morning-after pill, not the whenever-you-want pill." "God, I honestly think having a child would be less faff." "Shall we just have a baby and go to the pub?" "So first you love me and now you want to have babies with me?" "I'm joking, Josie." "You just said, and I quote, I want to have a baby." "I'm having a laugh." "But, seriously, they should sell the antidote more widely." "Don't call it the antidote." "It... it's just a very high dose of oestrogen or progesterone." "OK, you've been doing pharmacology for, like, two days." "Oh." "You probably don't approve of me studying for a career, do you?" "Because you just want to marry me, knock me up and install me in your massive Kingsley baby farm." "Here you go." "Here you go, guys." "Thank you." "You'll notice I've got the red pen, Sam." "The red answers will be my answers." "The only competition I care about is the competition to cure cancer." "Ooh, and the MOBOs." "I love the MOBOs." "What the fuck is he doing here?" "Well, he's..." "I thought you knew." "Good evening, and welcome to the student union charity quiz, which this year is raising money for prostate cancer awareness, a cause close to all of our hearts, in every sense, other than literally." "All entrants must now hand in any mobiles and tablets, apparently." "Not sure why you need to do that, but there you are." "There will be no cheating, be it technological or pharmaceutical." "Rounds one to five are for the whole team." "The final round is for the captains of the top four teams only." "Here we go." "Question one." "Who discovered Pluto?" "That's who discovered Pluto." "Galileo, maybe?" "No, it happened in the '30s." "These things are often named after the people who did it, aren't they?" "Maybe it's..." "like, Mr Pluto." "Howard?" "Any ideas?" "Yes." "Clyde Tombaugh." "Oh, great!" "Good work, team." "Clyde Tombaugh." "I did know that." "Oh, you did know that, after someone told you the answer?" "That's useful." "Question two, which composer wrote the Quartet For The End Of Time?" "Messiaen." " Olivier Messiaen." " Brilliant." "Now we're cooking." "Good work, Candice." "Thanks, guys." "Well, we don't know it's right yet." "It is right." "Question three." "Ow!" "Fuck it!" "Espero que tengas hambre." "Yes, very hungry." "What is this?" "Te he preparado una fiesta." "You want to say..." "I've cooked you a feast." "OK." "Because fiesta is more "party" than "dinner"." "Oh, sorry!" "No, is good." "Is why?" "Quiero pedir disculpas." "I know you passed your training period at Pret." "So I've made you, or at least tried to make... burritos and fajitas." "Just to say... well done." "leaving Mate-chester United once more in last place." "On with round three." "Question one." "What is the closest living relative to the elephant?" "The Elephant Man." "Oh, wait." "No, he's dead." "Please don't confer without us." "We're all part of the team." "Do you know the answer?" "It's..." "No, but..." "I'm pretty sure it was either the hyrax or the sirenia." "I've heard it's the sirenia." "Let's go with that." "Don't worry, there might be some sort of Heat magazine round where we come into our own." "What?" "Don't lump me in with you." "I'm as good as they are." "I'm just not getting the right questions." "Mm." "Yeah, sure." "Me too." "I'm just not getting the right questions." "Question four." "What is the name of the character played by Ben Stiller in the film Dodgeball?" "I know it." "I know this one." "Where's the buzzer?" "We don't have one." "We've not had one from the start." "Quickly." "What is it?" "White Goodman." "Uno, dos, tres." "Hm." "Ooh." "I'm sorry." "About... everything." "I've been a prick to you, Javier." "But everything just kind of moved so fast." "I'm not gonna force you, but..." "I think I need my space now." "Hell, I've got shit to do and drawer space I need back." "But I'll help you." "My mate managed to wangle this." "It's not for a few weeks and there's a stopover, cos she couldn't sort direct to Mexico City, but..." "What?" "That is in Mexico, right?" "I didn't check, but that'd be a fucking piss-take if it wasn't." "No, I don't need this." "But I can't look after you any more." "This is what I'm saying." "I know." "I move in with Sergei from Pret." "He ask me anyway." "Oh." "Right." "Really?" "He has a Sky Sports and has a fridge that makes ice, but on the door." "Yeah, I've seen that." "Thank you, but, er... it's fixed." "Cool." "Oh, so, what do you want to do now, then?" "So, the results after five rounds are in, and I can reveal that we have a tie for the last remaining place in the captains' final between the Sausage Jockeys and A Quiz Team..." "It's a conceptually sound name." "which means that we're going to have a tie-break, so here we go." "Come on, guys." "Concentrate." "Which poet wrote the following?" ""I wouldn't want to be faster or greener than now if you were with me" ""O you were the best of all my days."" "EE Cummings." "Yeah?" "Are you sure?" "Definitely." "It's Frank O'Hara." "I'm certain." "No, it's EE Cummings." "It's Frank O'Hara." "I promise you." "Literature's my area." "We're sharing it." "Well, we can't share an answer." "We can't put Frank Cummings." "It's Frank O'Hara." "It isn't." "Please hand your papers to Sam." "You'd better be right." "I am." "I think I am." "You THINK you are?" "The correct answer is Frank O'Hara." "Yes!" "So, congratulations to A Quiz Team." "Your captain is taking you to the final." "Congratulations." "Thanks." "Have a look at the paper." "It's a sea of red." "As captain, I will accept your congratulations on behalf of the team." "For now I must retire, so that I can focus on the challenge that lies before me." "Sorry, I thought..." "It's fine." "It's... easy mistake to make." "I didn't mean to shout you down." "It's just I am a second year, so..." "Why were you so sure?" "What was that, Oregon?" "Oh, my God." "Yes, so, about earlier, um..." "before we got to the chemist." "When you accused me of wanting to turn you into a baby machine/Stepford wife with a closed mouth and an open vagina?" "Yeah." "Bit of a comedown off the bag of fun." "But I am glad... that you love me and everything." "It's fine, honestly." "We don't have to talk about it." "It's just that's a really big deal for me to say that." "Just so you know." "You have said, "I love pharmacology"" "about 20 times in the past week or so, but..." "Look, Kingsley, you're the only mistake I've never made and I'm so frightened of fucking everything up, because I..." "I love you too." "I just don't want to make any lifelong vows." "Me neither." "Except never to mix Stilton and sambuca ever again." "You had an affair with Shales?" "Don't have to shout about it." "Oh, my God." "But he's like a super-cool mega-genius." "Well, I don't know about that." "Fucking hell, Oregon." "You've... done it all." "Yeah?" "Well, yeah, I've just experienced one or two things, is all." "I'm just... a woman... is what I am." "OK, captains' buzzer round." "Ten questions." "Three points per correct answer." "Good luck." "Here we go." "Bridgetown is the capital city of which Caribbean island?" "Barbados." "Correct." "He's probably got a villa there." "What was the name of Hitler's chief architect?" "Albert Speer." "Correct." "Family friend." "What is the chemical symbol for sodium carbonate?" "Na2CO3." "Correct." "What the fuck?" "In Norse mythology, Fitch was the god of what?" "Ruling and arbitration." "Correct." "Which female tennis player has won the most Grand Slam singles titles?" "The Zambezi." "I'm sorry?" "Well, that's definitely wrong." "The..." "Zambezi?" "Incorrect." "You lose one point." "The correct answer was Margaret Court." "Which river contains the Victoria Falls, the Chavuma Falls and...?" "Sorry." "That one's the Zambezi." "Right." "What's happened here, then?" "Sam?" "Sam?" "!" "How did you even get them?" "Your laptop isn't password-protected." "So, it is sort of your fault." "Not totally." "I just didn't want to look stupid." "You didn't even cheat properly." "That's how stupid you are." "All the teams have asked for their money back." "We cost prostate cancer 500 quid." "Well, I can make that better." "How much?" "I care." "I care to the max!" "You can't trash things and then wave 50-quid notes at people like a one-man Bullingdon Club." "Dickhead!" "Well." "I suppose revenge is sweet." "It's not bad." "Quite sweet." "In my mind, I'd kind of seen you crying and frothing and rending your clothes more, but..." "You know, I will win her back, Howard." "This is just a minor bump in the road." "JP, it's this baseless, boneheaded optimism that's so difficult to crush." "Thank you."