"Out here in the middle, we love to chat." "We chat at the grocery store." "We chat at the gas station." "Yep, there's nothing we look forward to more than a good chat... unless it's this one." "Can we chat for a minute?" "Uh, sure." "Mike." "Really?" "I thought you had this covered." "Mike." "I was gonna mute it." "Mom, dad, I've decided I'd like to be popular." "Okay." "Not sure that's really couch-worthy." "I've noticed lately that all of the other boys seem to get picked up together." "I don't know where they're going, but they laugh and slap each other on the back and treat each other with a lot of camaraderie and bonhomie." "Well..." "Bonhomie does not grow on trees." "It looks very enjoyable." "And I'm thinking I might want to participate in that kind of thing." "I know I'm not very good at the social stuff, so I would appreciate any tips you could offer." "Okay." "I know you love your books, but maybe you should put them down once in a while and talk to people... you know, like at lunch or parties or at that class we send you to to teach you how to..." "Talk to people." "The thing is," "I've always enjoyed reading by myself at lunch, but lately, when I do it, it feels..." "Lonely." "Aw, Brick." "I'm sorry." "But here's the thing..." "it's never too late." "You know, maybe if you tried just a little small talk with..." "Brick." "Mike!" "He left." "I thought we were done." "Breakfast!" "Finally!" "Ah!" "Dude, the union was crazy." "Everyone in line was all stressed out, like, "oh, my God. "What am I gonna do?" "I got to pick a major."" "It's like, "relax, nerds." "School just started."" "I mean, why do we got to worry about this now?" "Yeah." "We don't have to declare a major till Friday." "Wait." "This Friday?" "Aw, crap." "Guess we better stop slacking off." "All right." "What do you say we grab a quick nap, then slap six majors up on a dartboard and pick whatever we hit?" "Boob doctor will be the bull's-eye." "Nah, I already picked my major... engineering." "What?" "Since when?" "Since freshman year." "No, actually, I've wanted to be an engineer since I was 10." "Got my next three years all laid out." "You were being responsible behind my back?" "Who are you, man?" "A badass future engineer." "But I just got all B's, and now this?" "When does it end?" "!" "Wait." "Why'd you come to college?" "Because I was done with high school." "That's where you go." "So now I've got till the end of the week to decide what I'm doing with the rest of my life?" "Well, I suppose there's some magic book with all the majors in it that tells me what I'm supposed to be." "There is." "You've been using it for a plate." "You will not believe my day." "I just don't know how I'm gonna get it all done." "Sergeant-at-arms, s-p-la, the committee to pick the homecoming committee." "There's just no rest when you're a senior." "Since when do you drink coffee?" "Dad!" "Everybody drinks coffee when they're a senior." "But I'm not just doing it because everybody else is." "I really love the taste." "Mmm!" "Is this sumatra dark roast?" "It's frugal hoosier white label, grown in Muncie." "Axl, I said you couldn't wash your clothes here anymore." "But you didn't say I couldn't dry them." "Uh, please sign here." "You've just been Ax'd." "Oh, by the way, good news..." "I picked my major." "Sue, dork roll, please." "Buddhist studies!" "Booyah!" "Or should I say "Buddha-yah."" "Really?" "You're a Buddhist now?" "No, I'm not a Buddhist." "I'm studying them." " It's Buddhist studies." " What did you do?" "Look at an alphabetical list of majors and stop at "B"?" "What?" "It's perfect for me." "There's no class on Fridays, doesn't meet before 11:00, half the time, we meet under a tree... 'cause I guess Buddha was into that." "And Buddhism is about rebirth, so I'll learn how my coolness will live on forever." "In your face, death!" "Axl, what kind of a job do you think you're gonna get as a Buddhist-studies major?" "Enh." "Cross that bridge when I get to it." "You can't cross what you're living under." "You're not majoring in Buddhism." "Well, then, what am I supposed to do?" "You guys don't even have a business I can take over." "Look, Axl, we don't want to tell you what to do." "This is about you." "You can be anything you want to be." "But just make sure you can make a decent salary." "Oh, and don't pick something that's gonna get phased out, like video-store clerk or journalist." "Oh!" "Now you're just confusing me." "I know exactly what you're going through, Axl." "I am going through the same thing trying to pick a college." "So many options..." "Purdue, I.U., East Indiana State." "Oh, no." "She is not going to my school unless she changes her name and gets one of those John Travolta face transplants." "Whoo!" "I'm late." "I got to go." "Hey, Axl, you're popular." "I'm listening." "I was hoping you could give me tips on how to be popular, too." "Mm." "Well, it's gonna be tough, 'cause you don't start off with the basic awesomeness I have." "I see where you're coming from." "But I have grown quite fond of you over the years, Brick, so I'm gonna give you some advice." "Me..." "I'm way up here." "Mom and dad... they're down here." "Sue..." "Way down here." "Now, these people... too cool." "You don't have a prayer with them." "You want to start from Sue-level on down... the bottom-feeders, the band kids, the A.V. club, maybe some girl who was kicked in the head by a donkey and talks slow." "There is a kid who just came to school with a neck brace." "Ooh!" "Mnh-mnh." "That's temporary." "It will come off, and he could be cool." "Don't waste your time." "I feel inspired." "Thank you, Axl." "Go get 'em, buddy." "Okay." "That's..." " Sue?" "Are you in here?" " Brick!" "I was just organizing everything under my bed, and I found all this old stuff... beanie babies, sticker albums, glittery pinecones." "It's a real mess down there." "Everything is covered with dust bunnies." "Even the dust bunnies have dust bunnies." "Ha!" "Get it?" "Did you need something?" "I just wondered if you can talk..." " Talk?" "We should have coffee." " Why?" "Because that's what people do when they talk." "They have coffee." "I love coffee." "I mean, I already had coffee, but what's a conversation without coffee?" "Of course, you're too young for coffee." "You can have cocoa." "So I'll just go get us some coffee and cocoa, 'cause I can have coffee and you can't." "Uh, n-no, thank you." "Ohhh." "But then we can hold our mugs of coffee and sip our coffee." "You can have cocoa, and we can sit here by the window..." "Or on the bed..." "Or on the chair." "This is my favorite chair!" "Oh, my God!" "My fifth-grade yearbook!" "Hey!" "How'd it go today?" "I tried to talk to a girl with a really high forehead." "It did not go great." "Mm." "Well, you just got to keep trying." "And before you know it, y..." "Brick, you're not even looking at me." "Why are you looking at behind me?" "I was just thinking..." "I've always liked that cow painting." "See, this is what I'm talking about." "If you want to make friends, you got to make eye contact." "You have to engage people." "Think of it like you're on a talk show." "You know, actors go on there, and they're always selling themselves and interacting and being funny." "You know what?" "Let's..." "let's practice." "Welcome to "The Heck family talk show."" "I'm your host, Frankie Heck." "And I'd like to introduce my first guest, Brick Heck." "So, Brick, what's this I hear about a girl with a high forehead?" "She sits next to me in wood shop." "Oh." "Wood shop?" "I'll bet there's a good story there." "Well, we're making spice racks, and I asked her to pass me a sheet of 40-grit ultra-coarse sandpaper." "I thought that would open up a dialogue between us, but I was wrong." "Well, look who's here." "It's your dad..." "Mike Heck." "Welcome to the show, Mike." "Do you have any questions for our guest, Brick?" "Sure." "Have you seen the remote?" "So, Mike, what brings you to our talk show?" "Well..." "I am a famous actor starring in a movie about sports highlights." "Look..." "I even brought a clip." "Well, look who's here." "It's Axl and the Ax-Men." "They're always charming." "We're doing a talk show to help Brick." "Why don't you guys have a seat?" "Um, 'cause we're not lame." "I think we should do it." "Could be good exposure for the band." "So, what's going on with you, Axl?" "Well, picked a new major." "Great." "I think our audience would be very interested in hearing about that." "Yep, I went with engineering 'cause, uh, hutch is doing it, so I figured we could do it together." "Plus, I like trains, so..." "It's got nothing to do with trains." "Uh, I think it does." "Uh, I know it doesn't." "Engineers are the guys that build bridges and buildings." "Oh, my God!" "That's an engineer?" "Why don't they just call things what they are?" "Bridge builders and building builders." " That's just embarrassing." " And it's on TV." "Oh!" "Hey, guys!" "Hi, Darrin!" "What's going on?" "We're doing a talk show." "Ooh!" "Let me get coffee." "Guests on talk shows always have coffee." "Oh, I remember." "I do have an upcoming project." "Well, great." "I'm going to the fall fantasy dance." "You are?" "Yeah." "It's at the banquet hall of the cozy stay suites and corporate center." "And it's semi-formal..." "that's almost formal." "Wow, so... so you have a date?" "No, but most people go in groups." "Okay, so you're going with a group." "That, I will not." "So, you're just gonna walk into a ballroom alone?" "Do you know anybody else that's going?" " Nope." " Whoa." "That's hardcore." "Okay, I'm ready." "Sorry, sue." "You're getting bumped." "What?" "I didn't even get to talk!" "We're out of time." "We got to go to commercial." "So, Brick was determined to go stag to the fall fantasy dance..." "The fantasy being that this was a good idea." "Show us your cellphone." "Mm." " Any holes in your pockets?" " No." "Now show us your ticket." "And show us your cellphone again." "Okay." "You're good." "Oh." "One last thing." "Can you teach me how to dance?" "Now?" "Why did you wait till the last minute?" "Well, it just occurred to me that this dance might include dancing." "Okay, well, I mean, it's been a while, but..." "There's, um..." "There's this." "And, uh..." "Oh, oh!" "This." "Right?" "Actually, I was thinking more like how you might dance with a girl." "Oh!" "Okay." "Um..." "Well, let's see." " You put this hand up there, like that." " Mm-hmm." "Yes, and then you put your right hand on her waist, like that." "And then..." "You just kind of, I don't..." "guide her back and forth." "Yeah." "Good!" "Well, hey, Brick, you're already a better dancer than your dad." "Standing right here." "Thanks, mom." "Oh!" "Forgot my breath mints." "That could have been a real turnoff to a girl." "Whoop!" "Ugh." "Mike, I just want it to go well for him, you know?" "I just want him to ask a girl to dance and for her to say yes, and I don't want him to be crushed..." "Okay, let's get you to the dance, Mr. Sharp!" "Could you moan more softly, please?" "Oh, God, I am crashing, Axl, and I'm crashing hard." "I rode the caffeine pony, and it took me to the depths of hell." "Sue, you drank coffee for two days." "I'm having a real crisis here." "I've got till midnight to decide what I'm doing with the rest of my life." "Do you want to talk about it over coffee?" "Oh!" "I can't." "I'm seven hours clean." "Here, I'll..." "I'll just hold an empty mug." "Seriously, sue, what should I do?" "No one can tell you." "You got to figure out what you want." "Ohh, everybody's always telling me what to do, but now I want them to tell me what to do, and nobody will." "Wait a minute." "There's a resource that's perfect for this." "It can help you find out about yourself and help you with career choices." "Oh, yeah!" "One more time... show me your ticket and cellphone." "All right." "When do you want us to get you?" "Well, the dance goes till 11:00, but I might want to hang out with the friends I meet after, so let's say... 11:01." "Okay, then." "Have fun." "Go get 'em, kid." "Why is he standing there?" "He's just standing there outside the door." "Oh, God." "He's turning around." "Oh, he's coming back." "He's coming back." "Nope." "Turning around again." "Now he's doing the robot outside." "Oh, God." "Why's he doing the robot outside?" "I can't look." "Just tell me what's happening." "Well, he stopped dancing." "Now he's reading a parking sign." "And..." "He dropped his ticket." "Ugh." "Picking it up..." "Blowing on it." "Come on, buddy." "Head for that door!" "Now he's moving again." "Got his hand on the door." " Oh, he's waving!" " Oh!" "Bye!" "He's in." "Oh, God." "He's in." "So, it was good." "We successfully delivered Brick to his dance, and we were feeling cautiously optimis..." "Oh, crap." "Oh, crap. "Come get me."" "Okay, question 3." ""You're late to a party." "Do you, 'A', take your pink sweater," "'B', your boyfriend's arms will keep you warm, or 'C', you have five sweaters to pick from, and you've known for weeks which one you're wearing?"" ""D." This party sounds lame." "I'm not going." "Look, do you want to pick a major or not?" ""Now, which 1D lyrics are you most likely to hang on your wall?"" "Look, we got to stay positive." "We might be picking him up for a good reason." "There could be a fire." "Mm." ""Never mind." "I'm okay."" "He's okay." "Let's go." "What does that mean, "I'm okay"?" "Was he previously not okay?" "Let's not go looking for problems." "Can we just wait a few minutes?" "I don't want to drive all the way home and then have to turn back." "Fine." "Want to make out?" "Sure." "But you'll have to come this way, 'cause I slept on my neck weird." "Mm." "Okay, you answered mostly C's with a few B's, which makes you a..." "Social Sally." ""Your winning ways and outgoing personality make you the go-to gal in any workplace."" "That is me!" "That is so me!" "Ha ha!" "So, your possible career choices are..." "Salon receptionist, spinning instructor, and handbag designer to the stars." "That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard." "What happens if I answer all D's?" "Ahhh." "That's it." "I'm going in." "Oh." "Hey." "Frankie." "It's a junior-high dance." "If you think Brick can't fit in now, wait till the other kids see his mommy show up." "He'll be a marked man till college." "Fine." "I just hope it's going well." "Still hanging on to hope, huh?" "I don't know why you're getting so worked up about this." "I mean, it's not a new situation." "We've been dealing with this for a long time." "I know, but this is different." "Before, I wanted him to have friends." "It's worse now 'cause he wants it." "Well, maybe he's not gonna get it." "Mm." "I just don't understand why this is so hard for him." "Could we have done more..." "you know, as parents?" "Well, I think it's safe to say we could have done more." "But Brick is who he is." "They come out how they come out." "Maybe he's just always gonna be a quirky kid." "I should have been nicer to Billy Fry." "We used to make fun of him at recess 'cause he licked worms." "Mm." "Now I know who that kid is." "He's Brick." "Please tell me Brick isn't gonna start licking worms." "Point is, at least it's not on us." "That should make us feel better." "Yeah." ""Should."" "Oh, look." "Here he comes." "Act casual." "Hey!" "There's Mr. sharp!" "Where's your shoe?" "Did you lose it dancing?" "I don't know." "Did a bully take it?" "I don't know." " Well..." " Doesn't matter." "Get in." " So, how was it?" " Fine." "And you had a good time?" "I guess so." "Did you hang out with anybody?" "I don't really want to talk about it." "Axl." "What are you doing up here?" "Sometimes I come up here to think..." "And occasionally throw things." "Wait a second." "Do you ever throw..." "Acorns at your head?" "Yes." "All the time." "What am I doing with my life?" "It was so much easier when I wanted to be a fireman or a superhero." "God!" "I wish I was still 17." "I don't know what you're so worried about, Axl." "Things always turn out fine for you." "Hmm." "You're right." "I was losing sight of my awesomeness." "Thanks." "You know..." "You're not the worst sister a person could have." "Really?" "Yeah, I guess you're, uh, pretty good at helping people." "You think so?" "Because I just love helping people so much." "You know, I haven't told anybody this yet, but I was thinking maybe I'd major in psychology." "Huh." " Cool, I think I'll do that." " What?" "!" "Yeah, I think I'm gonna be a psychology major." "No, no, no!" "You can't do that!" "You are gonna steal my major and ruin it for me!" "Mm." "And how does that make you feel?" "Oh, no!" "This is so not fair!" "You won't even try, and you'll be good at it anyway." "And then you'll take my job because there can't be two psychologists in one family." " That's never done!" " Well, I'm doing it." "Fine." "Then I am going to your college." "You cannot go to my college!" "If you're stealing my major, then I am stealing your college!" "Shut your fat mouth, Sue!" "Oh, you shut your fat mouth!" "Oh, way to copy me!" "You are copying me!" "You're stealing my major!" "Okay, okay, you know what, Axl?" "I can't take this anymore!" "I tried to help you, and instead... aaaaaaaaaah!" "Sue!" "Axl, help!" "I'll help you if you say you will not come to my school." "I won't take your hand until you say you're not taking my major!" "Whatever!" "Kiss the pavement!" "See if I care!" "What?" "!" "And you know, Brick, here's the thing." "This might not be your time right now, but actually," "Suzanne Somers had a great quote in her hormone book." "He's been asleep for the last five minutes." "Why didn't you tell me?" "You seemed to be making yourself feel better." "Look, Frankie, he'll be fine." "Look at how much we worried about Axl and Sue, and we hardly ever worry about them anymore." " No!" " Just jump!" "Please!" "You... stay off the roof." "And you... you're majoring in business." "Oh!" "Thank you!" "The thing is, you never stop worrying about your kids." "Sometimes they need you to scrape them off the roof." "Sometimes you have to give them a little nudge." "Boom!" "Business!" "In before the stroke of midnight." "Whoo!" "And sometimes, you get a fairy-tale ending without even helping them at all." "I'll get it!" "I was at the dance last night." "You left your shoe." "Oh." "Thanks." "I'm Cindy." "I'm gonna get some frozen yogurt." "Want to come?" "No." "I'm full." "Well, sometimes you got to help a little." "Brick, she was asking you out." " Really?" " Yes!" "Go!" "Go!" "Wait up!" "I'm coming!" "Brick!" "Book!" "So, where did you find my shoe?" "Under the table." "Really?" "Thought it was there." "His text said "come get me." "It's not going well in here."" "Mine says "I'm fine." "I want to stay."" "Why is he texting us separately?" "Uh-oh." ""She doesn't like 'planet nowhere.'"" "Ugh." "Well, that's the end of that." ""Never mind." "She was just kidding."" "And then he put a smiley face with a frog thing." "Do you know what that means?" "How long should we wait?" "I don't know." "Want to make out?"