" Hey." " Hey." "What?" "What's up?" "I just screwed up my audition." "You talked about a voice that makes you doubt yourself?" "That happened to me." " Oh no." "Man, that's terrible." " I know." "I totally lost it." "I'm never gonna get this." "Stupid movie." "Stupid script." "Hey, nice toss, buddy." "Got me right in the eye." "See you later." "So, I gotta tell you, last night with Jenna was amazing." "I totally lived up to the Joey name." "So you're telling me you're not a virgin anymore?" "Not above the belt, I'm not." "I don't know what that means." "I have another shot with her tonight but her cousin Marci's in town so I thought the four of us..." " No, no, no." "I'm not going on a double date." "I got too much going on." " Leave me out of it." " But Joey, it's no big deal." "I need you to be my sex partner." "Your what?" "The guy who goes with you to the bar, helps you get sex." "It's called a wingman." " Oh, really?" " Yeah." "I don't know, it sounds kind of gay." " Oh, hi." "Hey." " Hi." "Okay, so Bobbie finally found something I can do at work." "I am gonna to be her hatchet man." "She noticed how I enjoy confrontation, so I'm gonna deliver all her bad news." "Well, you do love giving bad news." "But I'm kind of having a problem because actors are so sensitive." "How do you like to get bad news?" "Okay, all right, it's easy." "Look, you just gotta just butter them up first, you know?" "Say things like:" ""They thought you were absolutely fabulous." "They are huge fans of yours but they're going in a different direction."" " Okay, I can do that." " Now I need you to help me." "Make sure Bobbie gets me another audition for that Kevin Smith movie." "I just got off the phone with Bobbie about that." "They thought you were absolutely fabulous." "They did?" " They're huge fans." " They are?" " But they're going in a different direction." " Hey, don't give me my own speech." "What else did Bobbie say?" "I need a job." "I'm sorry, Joey." "You know, you're really cold right now." "Unless you can make something happen for yourself, I don't know what to tell you." "Hey, Zach." "Hey, it's Joey." "Oh, you're working?" "Okay, I'll be quick." "Listen, I do need you to set me up with Kevin Smith." "No problem." "I'll set it up for tonight." "Bye." "When the dude that plays Dr. House takes a call, it's fine." "But I get the stink eye." " Hello." " Hello." "You ready for take two of our big, romantic night?" "You know it." "I don't mean to be forward but if this goes well, maybe we'll have sex two days ago." " Okay." " What?" "I don't know." "Chocolate and roses, it's a little generic." "I mean, what's next?" "A stupid stuffed bear?" "No." "Oh, there he is." "Let's get this double date started." "Marci, this is Michael." " What?" " He's so cute." "And he bought you flowers." "I made you a necklace." "Thank you." "No, no, no." "What...?" "Just one second." "Michael?" "Michael?" "Come on, I am this close with Jenna." "She doesn't wanna leave her cousin alone." "I shouldn't have to work this hard for you to be my sex partner." "Wingman." "Whatever." "Fine, fine." "But I gotta go meet this director." " Let's make this quick." " All right." "Hi, I'm Michael." "Hi." "You're my first date since I got out of the Army." "Airborne." " She's great." " Oh." "All right, look." "I've thought about this and I cannot accept being a one-night stand." "If you're going to romance me, then understand what I'm about." "So here's the complete works of Edith wharton the Love Songs of Billie Holiday and an episode of Judging Amy that really spoke to me." "That's a lot of homework for a test I nailed two days ago." "Wait a second, are you already on another date?" "Not only that, he thinks I'm great." "Wow, you are unbelievable." "You've got a lot of work to do, my friend." "Alex..." "That candy had nuts in it." "If you wanna make out before my head gets this big, we better do it now." " Hey, thanks for setting up this meeting." " No problem, man." "Hey, makeup?" "You got a special lady in your life?" "No, that's mine." "Come on, this is Hollywood." "You gotta look your best." "I think we both man enough to admit we're wearing a little foundation right now." "No?" "You got great skin." " Hey, puppy." " I'm sorry about that." " Is she bugging you?" " No, no, no, I love dogs." "Oh, look at you." "You're a little princess." "Yes, you are a little princess." "Yes, you are a little princess." "Yes, you are." "You got something to say, Makeup?" "Here we go, here we go." "Almost there." "I cannot believe you're hooking me up with Kevin Smith." "I got a good feeling." "He's gonna love you." " Well, I'm just so excited to meet him." " Me too." "What?" "What?" "What?" "You don't know him?" "No, but he's good friends with Ben Affleck and I love Ben Affleck." " He's not gonna talk to us." " He's gonna talk to us." " We're bringing his dog." " We don't have his dog." "I think we have his dog." "Right, here we go." "This is the classic Hollywood story." "He's gonna love you." " And great things are gonna happen." " Let's do this." "Oh, man, why did you let it go?" "Damn it, we gotta get the dog back." "Of all the days not to have meat on me." "What the hell's going on here?" "My friend Joey here just returned your dog." "He was trying to pet it one last time." "You risk your life to save an animal, there's a bond." " He risked his life, did he?" " Yeah." " Where'd you find her?" " In a knife factory." "That is just the least convincing performance I've ever seen." "And I've directed Ben Affleck, sir." "I think I know what's going." "You steal the director's dog, return it hoping that he'll give you an audition in his new movie, right?" "That's cool, let's just cut to the chase." "What part you interested in?" " I prepared the role of Frankie." " Frankie, huh?" "Yeah, I kind of see you as a Frankie." "But can you act?" "Let's find out." "Come on in." "Listen, Mr. Smith, I can't thank you enough for this." "You know what, don't thank me." "I enjoy discovering new talent." "Let's get rolling." "I want you two to take your shirts off and start making out with each other." "What?" "I'm just kidding." "This is actually working." "And thank God there's no little voice in my head messing me up." "Oh no, not again." "No." "Do you wanna sit or stand for this?" "Come on, just pick one." "I will stand." "You handled that well." "No he didn't, he's gonna fail." "Oh no, there's two voices now?" "Also, there is me." "There's a French one?" "No, I'm the first one." "I was just doing a voice." "It's okay, it's okay." "Just clear your head." "You know, you don't look so good." "Want a drink or something?" " That would be great." " What do you want?" "We got, water, lemonade..." "I got Perrier." " Take the water." " What?" "Take the lemonade." "No, no, no." "Take the Perrier." "Stop it." "Just stop it." "I'm sorry, I gotta go, I gotta go." "I'll take a Diet Slice." "I can't believe this." "I just screwed up the opportunity of a lifetime." "I've been up for big parts before." "Why am I hearing these voices now?" "Man, stop beating yourself up." "So Kevin Smith is out." "We just go to Plan B." "Check this out." "I happen to know where Jeff Bridges gets his dry cleaning done." "Oh, you're here." "I spoke with Kevin Smith." "He thinks you're absolutely fabulous." "He's a huge fan." "Okay, look Gina, don't sugarcoat it, all right?" "I can take it." "I'm a man." "Okay, because your mascara kind of threw me." "It's called Man-lash." " Who's that?" " It's this guy..." "Hey Joey, I am so close to closing the deal with Jenna." "So tomorrow morning, the four of us are driving to Lake Havasu." "Okay?" " Jenna, Marci, Joey and Michael." " No, no, no." "I'm not going anywhere with Marci." "She gives me the creeps." "That necklace she gave me was made of human hair." " Forget..." "No, I'm not going." " Hey, Joey." "Hi, Gina." "I have an early court date so if you have anything planned tonight..." "Alex, I haven't had time to look in the box of stuff yet, I'm sorry." "You're not taking this seriously." " What?" "I'm killing myself here." " You're gonna have to work harder." "It takes a lot to get me into bed." "Does it?" "Does it?" "As I recall, it took a couple shots of tequila and me saying you look like a young Meg Ryan." "Did you not really mean that?" "What kind of a monster are you?" "Damn, these snow peas look good." "Y'all got a wok?" "No, I don't have a wok." "Okay, look, I can't deal with any of this right now." "My career is falling apart." "I'll be lucky if I get that Spanish soap opera." "About that." "They thought you were muy fabuloso..." "No, no, no more bad news from you." "Okay?" "I can't take it anymore." "Alex, we had sex." "I'm sorry." "Deal with it, okay?" "Michael, you're never gonna have sex." "You're sorry." "Deal with it, okay?" "You people fill my head with so many of your problems that I can't think straight." "Oh, my God." "That's why I hear the voices." "It's you guys." "You're driving me crazy." "That's it." "I'm out." "I'm done." "I'm going to my room." "I don't wanna talk." "Michael, you can slide my afternoon sandwich under the door." "Out." "Ichiban." "Ichiban, lipstick for men." " Hey." " I used to be so good." " Ichiban." " Because of my performance this lipstick was a huge hit in Japan." "Until they found out it was poison." "Hey, you're still good." "No, Gina, you didn't see me in those auditions." "I've lost it." "I can't do my job anymore." "And you were right, it's because of us." "We do ask too much of you." "Oh, no, I don't really wanna stop helping you guys." "You're my family." "Knowing that I'm needed by people who love me, that gives my life meaning." "That was really gay." "Look, I know you wanna take care of us, and that's great." "But you gotta take care of yourself." "So figure out a way to put up with our crap and get yourself another job." " I've tried." "I can't." " Oh, please." "Remember when we saw Superman?" "Afterwards you thought if you concentrated enough you could actually jump off that roof and fly?" "I remember the paramedics laughing when they were cutting Mom's tights off me too." "I gotta tell you, when you jumped off that roof, I thought it might actually work." "Because I believe you can fly, Joey." "To me you'll always be that kid that can do anything." "Yeah, I could still be that kid." "And what would that kid do to get a job?" "He'd march down to the studio and audition again, whether they wanted him to or not." " Yeah, he would." " Yeah, okay." "Yeah, I'm gonna do it." "Okay." "All right." "Thanks, Gina, you're the best." "The kid is back." "Yeah?" "All right, hear me out." "I know I blew it before with Kevin Smith." "I'm right for his movie." "I wanna audition again." "And there's nothing, nothing, you can say to stop me." "Kevin Smith?" "This isn't a Kevin Smith..." "I will stand, thank you." "I will stand." "Read me in." "But, Mom, you promised you'd come to my soccer game." "That was a bad batch of crystal meth, homes." "I'm freaking out here, Hector." " I'm sorry, I'm totally lost here." " No, it isn't." "It's your turn to die." "I'll just keep doing this till you find your place." "How long before you realized you were reading for the wrong movie?" "I knew when the kid scored the winning goal after I'd already killed him for screwing my wife." "They must have seen something they liked because then they had me audition for real." "I think you're gonna get this part." " Hey, you are here." " Hey." "So what's going on?" "I was just telling Zach about this audition." "Yeah, about that." "They actually called." "They thought you were fabulous." "Great, I knew it." "And I bet they're huge fans." "They really are." "But they're gonna go in a different direction, right?" " Who'd they cast?" " They're going with Joey Tribbiani." "I hate that guy." "Man, when you stop thinking, you really stop thinking." "No, come on." "You're messing with me." "News this big, Bobbie would've told me herself." "Hey." "Whoa, hey." "Did you tell him yet?" "Oh, I'm sorry." "L..." "There was a long line here so I stopped by the bar next door." " Are you serious?" " Oh, yes." "Did I really get this movie?" "You sure did." "Congratulations." "I told you you could do it." "I am so proud of you." "My sex partner is gonna be a star." "Yeah, he is." "I'm gonna be a movie star." "Everybody, drinks on me." "Oh, that's a back room?" "I thought it was a mirror." "Let's all share a bottle of wine." "Joey, oh, my God, congratulations on your movie." "That's so amazing." "Thank you very much." " Listen, I'm sorry I was being so pushy." " Oh, no." " I'm sorry." "Let's just forget the whole thing." " Okay." "I got your message." "Where are we all going to celebrate?" "Actually, that's not why I was calling you." "I still owe you one romantic evening." " No, no, tonight is your big night." " And this is how I wanna spend it." "Just you, me, and Mr. Billie Holiday." "Billie Holiday is a woman." "That's why the guy on the cD was wearing a dress." " Yeah." " I don't know." "Anyway, should we head upstairs?" " Oh, to your room again?" " No, no, no." "Come on, follow me." "Welcome to my roof deck." "Oh, my God, Joey." "Here you go." "And no stupid red roses either." "Starlight lilacs." "Those are my favorite." "How did you even...?" "You mentioned it once." "I don't need a bunch of books or cds to tell me who you are." "I know you, Alex." "Okay, Tribbiani." " What else you got?" " Well, champagne and Ding Dongs, milady." "Ding Dongs?" "I don't even really like..." "I hide them in my glove compartment to eat on the way home from the gym." "Then you park and suck on the wrappers." "And the windows get all fogged up." "It's a little upsetting." "So do you bring girls up here all the time?" "Actually, no." "But you're worth the extra effort." "Because you were right." "You're not like those other girls." "Because none of them could ever be as smart, funny and as sweet as you are." "You know, there is one way you are like those other girls." "No, no, no." "Now it's a good one." "I know you don't think of yourself as spontaneous or passionate but you're wrong." "You are." " Really?" " Really." "And if the other night was a mistake, then... well, I wish I made mistakes like that more often." "Yeah me too." "At least once more." "Yeah." "This may be crazy and I know you have an early morning..." "No, I can be late." "So should we...?" "Yeah." "Let's go downstairs." "And we're done." "Thank you, Alex." "Finally." "I didn't think you would let me off." "Then you started playing along." "At the end you were all, "I can be late."" " That was awesome." " Oh, yeah, that was awesome." "I was all, "I can be late." I was playing along." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "Boy, you really got into it at the end." "I didn't know you had it in you." "Oh, yeah." "The end was my favorite." "I was all, "Let's go downstairs." I had fun." "If I ever get sick of being a lawyer, maybe I should be an actress." "I tell you, what a relief." "I am so glad we could finally put all this behind us and just get back to normal." "Of course normal could mean that we hook up every once in a while." "[ENGLISH]"