"Brass!" "Livin' in the USA" "(male radio presenter) This is WBXT, the voice of Fort Baxter." "All personnel are invited to join Sergeant Bilko in the motor pool  for a demonstration of proper spark-plug maintenance  today at 0420, 0530 and 1455." "Those times again. 0420, 0530 and 1455." " Did you win?" " Nope." "Private Wally Holbrook reporting for duty." " First assignment?" " Yes." " Relax." "Know where you're assigned?" " Motor pool." " OK." "Motor pool?" " Yes, I..." " You're going straight to the colonel." " Colonel?" "What'd I do?" " How old are you, son?" " Nineteen, sir." "Nineteen..." "So young." "I'm a first-rate mechanic." "My two uncles owned a garage." " Got any money?" " Yes, sir." " Give it to me." " But..." "It's all right." " My word, there must be $500 in here." " 700." "See, I worked at my uncle's..." "You're going to take $700 in cash into Bilko's barracks?" " Yes, sir." "Who, sir?" " Give me your hat, please." "Sergeant Bilko." "Master Sergeant Ernest G Bilko." " Well, good luck." "And Godspeed." " Thank you, sir." "Remember, if you need anything at all, need any help the old colonel's door is always open." " Thank you, sir." " Sir?" " (whistles)" " I'm lookin' for Sergeant Bilko." " You're too late, junior, no more bets." " No, no, no." "I'm reporting in." " Come on, Duane!" "Pull!" "Dig deep, baby!" "Come on!" "Come on!" "He's got the wrong shoes!" "Doberman's wearing the wrong shoes." "He's got no traction." "And this horse!" "This horse was not this lively this morning." "I want it drug tested now!" "Someone, quick." "Get a urine bottle and a mop." "Hey!" "What's goin' on?" "It's Private Doberman." "He's the one who looks sort of human." "Last night in the gym, Doberman said "I feel as strong as a horse."" "Some guy from company P overheard him and said "Yeah?" "For how much?"" "It's the golden rule." "You don't say nothing unless you're prepared to back it up." "No, no, not across the line." "Don't go across." "Back." "Just, back." "Back." " Are you OK, Duane?" " Sarge, I can't do this any more!" "You did your best, Duane." "What's money, anyway?" "So, Bilko, I finally won one." "Pay up." "(Bilko sighs)" " Hurry up." " Oh, so now we're on a schedule?" " Shall we go once more?" " Sarge!" "Please, no more." "No more, Sarge." "Don't worry." "I won't put you through that again." " He's finished." "He's a loser." " No one calls one of Bilko's men a loser." "I oughta..." "Hold me back!" "Aah." "No, no!" "Let me go!" "I'll kill him." " You wanna double the bet?" " Double the bet?" "Ha!" "You're serious." " Sarge, no." " What's the matter, Ernie?" "Scared?" "Sarge, please." "That's all the platoon's money-every cent." "This is beyond money now." "This is a matter of honour." "OK, the bet is 1,000." "Sucker." "(Bilko's men) Yeah!" "Hey, you can't do that, man." " Ready, Duane?" " Sure, Sarge." "See?" "He was just rollin' up the bet." "He's like a god." "Duane!" "Duane!" "Duane!" "Duane!" "Duane!" "Duane!" "Duane!" "Duane!" "Duane!" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Walk him around and wipe him down." "Not the horse!" "Doberman." "Listen, that M2 Bradley vehicle is property of the US Army." "I want it back on the post by tonight." "We have rules!" "Rules and regulations." "I have your rental agreement right here." "And if you blow anything up, it's coming out of your deposit." "Teenagers!" "So irresponsible." " Sarge, you said I could count the take." " She got to count it last time." "Will you stop fighting?" "It's like I'm running a daycare centre." "Actually, that's not a bad idea." "We could keep 'em in the storeroom." " Luis, how many kids on the post?" " Personal dependants under five?" " 293." " Get me the total of their allowances." " Hey, in the storeroom?" "Kids?" " Zimmy, they won't die." "In fact, that'll be our motto:" ""They won't die."" "I'll count the money." "Rocky, make sure the horse gets back to Knott's Berry Farm." "Private First Class Holbrook, Walter T, reporting in for duty, Sergeant!" "Sarge, Holbrook is a tech-school terror." "First in his class, motor-vehicle maintenance." "A real live wrench-turner in the motor pool?" "It's so crazy, it just might work." "I'll introduce you to the boys and girls." " (Bilko sniffs)" " What's the matter, Sarge?" "Don't you smell it?" "It's money." "This is Sgt Henshaw and Sgt Barbella." "You'll see them about dances, raffles." "You'll get your tickets through them." "They run the shop." "So if you need stationery, magazines..." "But not magazine subscriptions." "See Morales about that." "Towels..." " Towels?" "Doesn't the army issue towels?" " Army?" "Get him a set of towels." "The fluffy ones." "The introductory price." "Come on." "Place your bets, ladies and gentlemen." "This is Dino Paparelli." "You're gonna laugh, you're gonna cry." "You're gonna love this scrappy little Italian." " Hiya." " Sam Fender." "His motto in life is simple:" "..."An indictment is not a conviction."" " Damn straight." "That's manly talk." "Mickey Zimmerman." "Tragically, Zimmerman was born without a personality." " Hello." " Luis Clemente." "This guy is smart, very smart." "He has an IQ." " Hello." " See what I mean?" "Tony Morales." "The only thing you need to know about him is he doesn't take showers because it fogs up the mirror." "Finally, the man of the hour, the master of disaster, the king of the universe - ...look out, girls, he hates to dine alone - Private Duane Doberman!" "Aw, Sarge." "Doberman doesn't take showers either, but for a much more frightening reason." "My orders, Sergeant." "Everything seems to be in order." "Henshaw will take your bags." "Don't worry, he's bonded." "Got a licence?" " A driver's licence?" " We can make one up." " Henshaw, get the camera!" " No, no." "I have a licence." "It's right here." "My wallet." "Oh, here it is." "Empty." "It's in your hat, isn't it?" "Good boy." "Oh." "Oh, there must be six..." "no, seven hundred dollars in here." "Good." "Well, you can start with this." "The colonel's car." " OK, what's wrong with it?" " It's the odometer." "It says 12,000 miles, and it should say 11,000 miles." "Tony drove it to Lake Tahoe to go to his grandmother's funeral." " I'm sorry." " When I say that I mean "visit his niece"." "And when I say "niece", I mean lady friend?" "Look." "I'm winking." "Look at my eye." " You want me to turn that back?" " (gasps) Yes." " I can't do that, Sergeant." " "Can't"!" "He said "can't"!" "Sarge, are you all right?" "Hey, man, "can't" is a four-letter word in this platoon." "I cannot violate regulations, unless it's an order in which case I would have to ask Master Sergeant Bilko to sign said order." "I'm asking you to do Tony here a favour." "We're all like family here." "Any one of these men would take a bullet for you." " Well, not in the chest." " No, not in the chest, but in the thigh." " Permission to speak freely?" " What, are we in Russia?" "Say anything." "You're soldiers." "Guardians of freedom." "And frankly, I don't think there's a man here taking his service oath seriously." "You know what?" "I'm gonna kill him." "Fender!" "Now, this is the stuff they should be teaching in the army." " They are." " No kidding?" "Here's a mouldy oldie for all our friends in the motor pool." "("No Particular Place to Go" by Chuck Berry)" "Ridin' along in my automobile" "My baby beside me at the wheel" "I stole a kiss at the turn of a mile" "Brass!" "My curiosity runnin' wild" "Cruisin' and playin' the radio" "With no particular place to go" "Ridin' along in my automobile" "I was anxious to tell her the way I feel" "So I told her softly and sincere" "And she leaned and whispered in my ear" "Cuddlin' more and drivin' slow" "With no particular place to go" " Sarge, where can we hide the horse?" " What horse?" "All right, men!" "Faster." "The army needs these vehicles." "Bilko?" "Sergeant." "Sergeant Bilko!" "Fall in, men, now!" "And get into a semicircle or a rectangle, now!" "Hut!" "Hey!" "Very good." "As you were." "He means go back to what you were doing." "Colonel Hall, you look fantastic, sir." "Have you lost weight?" "Why, a couple of pounds maybe." "Nell and I have been "sweating to the oldies"." " Ah." " Sergeant, I'm here to see about my car." "Ah, well, I'm afraid we're still working on it, sir." " You've had it a week and a half." " I thought I saw it on Interstate 30." "There." "Thank God I have a witness." "Thank you, Captain Moon." "And the colonel thinks I never test-drive the vehicles." "What is that?" "That's horse shit, sir." "I tell the men "You have to test-drive..."" " What's it doing there?" " It keeps the flies off the food." "There's no way you can tell what's wrong with an engine..." " Off the food?" " It's an experiment." "I'd say the results are mixed." "It's a lot cheaper than sending out for it, sir." "And fresher too." "Bilko, are you mental?" "This is not the horse cavalry." " You can't bring livestock onto the post." " You're right, sir." "You heard the colonel." "Assemble horse platoon and get the horse out of here!" " All right, double-time, soldier." " Sergeant, please, tell me about my car." " Do you know anything about cars, sir?" " No." "Ah." "Well, you see that sort of pointy thing right there?" "It seems that it's impinging on the browned, round thing with the spots." " You see, when Henry Ford first..." " Colonel Hall." " Corporal, what is it?" " Permission to speak privately?" " Of course." "Excuse me, Bilko." " Absolutely." " What is it, Corporal?" " The Pentagon called." "The Pentagon?" "How did they get my number?" "They're sending a team to observe tomorrow's hovertank test." " Why?" "It's just a preliminary..." "Aah." " What is it, sir?" "Well, they're closing a lot of military facilities lately." "What if they're planning to close Fort Baxter?" " Do you know anything about this?" " You flatter me." " How could I, a mere master sergeant...?" " You know everything before I do." "I'm sure it's just routine, sir." "Anyway, come back any time." "Call first." "I tell you, men, serving under a great leader like Colonel Hall..." " He's gone." " I'm hungry." "What time is it?" "12 o'clock." "We ordered Chinese." " Pentagon brass, Sarge?" "I don't like it." " Relax." "It's just army stuff." "It's got nothing to do with us." " Did you say 12 o'clock?" " Yeah." " Today's Saturday?" " All day." "Saturday at noon." "I have a strange feeling I'm supposed to be somewhere." "Hmm." "(organ plays)" "I'll kill him." " Poker game?" " No, no." " Racetrack." " No, no." "It was something else." "(sighs)" "My, that's a lovely dress." " Thank you, Reverend." " Is it new?" "No, I wore it the last time the lying shit-heel stood me up." "Ah." "(brakes screech)" "(horn blares)" "Give me the ring." "You were the best man last time." " He didn't get married last time!" " It's my turn!" " How you gonna be best man?" " Just give me the ring!" " But you can't hate him, you know?" " I can hate him." "I hate him right now." "Sweetheart..." "Where are you going?" "Nobody leave." "You came to see me get married." "You're going to" " I don't particularly care who to." "Sweetheart!" "I know you're upset..." "Daddy, stay out of this." "I know what I'm doing." " Nelson." " Huh?" "Are you busy?" "Will you marry me?" "I love you." "I just never realised it until now." "Well, the thing is, Rita, I'm engaged... to your sister." "And?" "(bell tolls)" "Don't ask." "Don't even ask." "OK, ask." "Bunny face, you won't believe what happened." "There was this busload of sweet geriatrics." "They went rolling down a mountain side..." "Do you think I'm an idiot?" "Ask Wally." "He's new, a real straight arrow, never told a lie in his life." "Wally?" "See?" "Sweetheart, sweetheart..." "Oh, baby... angel puff, you're overreacting!" " You know, it's..." "Ooh!" "Bad turnout." " It was full an hour ago." "Oh, sweetie, I... (gasps) I'm well!" "Sweetie, what can I do to make it up to you?" "Whaddaya want?" "Just tell me." "I'll do anything." "I've been waiting for seven years." "What do I want?" "I want my seven years back." "I can't live like this, Ernie." "I've got a maid of honour on call 24 hours a day." "And I'm the only woman with a wedding dress that's falling apart from wear." " I'm sorry." " I think you love me, Ernie." "But you're so slippery, it's impossible to know what you're thinking." "Well, thank you." "I don't understand what you're so afraid of." "You know what I wanna do right here, right now?" "No." "Don't." "No." "No, not this time." " Don't, please." " One game, to 500." "Don't." "Please don't." "Spade." "It's a double." "Triple boxes, to 500." "Penny a point." " A four?" " Yes." "Oh, two." "Yeah." "Come on." "Here." "Go, go, go." "What's up?" "Well, Rocky and I were talkin' to Wally while you and Rita were in the church." "She's a nice girl." "We don't like the way you treat her." "He's right, Sarge." "You treat her like a rube." " Wouldn't you be happier in the navy?" " You jilted that girl." "She'll probably have to move to another town." "Will you relax?" "Rita and I have a special relationship." "You think she expected me to marry her today?" "Of course not." "She expected me to do just what I did." "It's a game." "Someday you might lose that game, Ernie." "Very good, men." "Make sure it's tight." " Tight?" " Whatever." "So, Major Ebersole, tomorrow's the big day." " How's she look?" " I hope it won't be too humiliating, sir." "What's supposed to happen?" "Well, theoretically, and I wouldn't bet the farm the hovertank will lift off and hover several inches above the pond." " Good." "Very good." " Yeah." "Then it will engage the targets the... the cannon." "Boom." "The ammunition dump." "Kaboom." "That truck." "Boom." "Excellent." "One thought." "Maybe it should be: boom, boom  then kaboom." "You know, save that "kaboom" for the very last?" "Kind of like a "hoo-ah" grand finale." "What do you think?" " I'll make a note of it, sir." " Good." " Missed me." "Now run!" " Ow!" " Yeah." "Gotcha." " Hey, there goes the sarge, man." "Sarge!" " Hey, Dobie, come on, let's go." " Sarge, you get married yet?" " Not yet." " How did Rita take it this time?" "Oh, she's happy." "She took 40 bucks off me in a gin game." "Oh, she's great!" "Paparelli." "How's tickets goin' for the "Meet Stormin' Norman" barbecue?" " It's a sellout, Sarge." " Find a lookalike?" " We found one." " Ahh." "No wonder they call me a master sergeant." "You know, things weren't always this good." "When I first got my stripes at Fort Dix, I considered it my responsibility to provide the hardworking men and women with some wholesome recreation." " You ran the gambling." " That's right, Fender." "But there was this lieutenant there - Lieutenant Colin Thorn." "A lunatic." "I mean, real smooth on the outside, but underneath, barbed wire." "He rode me like a jockey." "Pools, raffles, card games - I couldn't do anything." "It was like being in the army." "(Bilko) All right, come on, baby." "Let's go!" "Hi." "Finally, I got a break." "They held the division boxing finals at our post." "You couldn't stop people from betting on it." "It was a toss-up." "Now, to me, that's just sloppy." "I like a sporting event in which I know the outcome beforehand." "It's more organised." "(bike bell rings)" "I get to one of the pugilists and we reach a business accommodation." "For a 50-50 split of our winnings  he agrees to give less than a supreme effort in the squared circle." " (Rocky) You paid him to take a dive." " (Bilko) 0f course." "I had this corporal working for me" " Leo Cletz." "The night of the fight, I give him the money to pay off my fighter." "Leo misunderstands and gives the money to the other fighter." "This fighter's surprised, but figures "What the heck?" "It's a good price." "I'll go down."" "Meanwhile, my guy figures "Bilko meant I'll get the money later."" " "No problem." "I'll go down anyway."" " So both think they're takin' a dive?" " Exactly." " What happened?" "Boxing history." "For three rounds, nobody hit anybody." "It was a dance recital." "Finally, I think out of boredom, one of the guys connected with a right." "What the hell's goin' on here?" "Lieutenant Thorn took it as a personal insult." " You OK?" "Did it hurt?" " Very cute." "It looked like Thorn was paying off the fighter." "He was cooked." "They didn't have enough evidence for a court martial, but sent him to Greenland." "Game, set and match" " Bilko." " Some story, huh?" " Permission to speak freely?" " Again, permission." "OK." " You dealt with him very dishonestly." "Never mind that." "What happened to him?" "Thorn." "I don't know." "I don't know what happened to him." "Colonel John Hall, garrison commander." "Welcome to Fort Baxter, Major." "(bugle plays reveille)" "(snoring)" "Doberman!" "Wake up!" "(coughs and snorts)" "(bugle repeats reveille)" "(snoring)" "Come on, everyone!" "Up and at 'em!" "(all groan)" "Come on, guys, let's not miss one minute of this beautiful day." "Hey!" " Get outta here!" " I'll get the sarge!" "That's it." "Now you guys gonna be in trouble." "(reveille)" " Hey, Sarge!" "Get up." " What's the matter?" "Everybody take cover!" "Gather all the men!" "Man the battle stations and..." "What's that music?" "I understand, Major, this weapon system is in the experimental stage." "But I think you'll be very impressed with the... noise it produces." "It's a powerful piece of equipment." "Colonel, I really urge you not to go ahead with this." "Ah, Major Ebersole, Major Thorn." "Major Ebersole is the brain behind the hovertank." "He's the one really responsible." " Thank you, sir." " Can we get on with this?" "Of course." "You good to go?" "All right." "Let's light this candle." "Hoo-ah!" "You know, with all the base closings and downsizing, people here have been jumpy." "Ready, Colonel." "(Hall) This is exciting." "OK, start her up." "(rattling)" "It still needs work." "Fire." "Of course." "Get out!" "Watch out!" "Let's go, campers!" "It's 10am." "Time to start the day." " Mornin', Sarge." " It's that time of the decade." " You're taking a shower." " Do I have to?" "Everyone feels pretty strongly about it." "Here's the petition." "Aw, Sarge." "Why are you sitting there?" "You were full of energy at 6am." "I don't think the guys like me." " Oh?" "What makes you say that?" " They wrote me a note." ""Wally, we don't like you." And they all signed it." " Yeah, that's Doberman's "X"." " Can I please have another roommate?" " Why, what's the matter?" " He wet his bed." " Oh, well, once in a while." " No." "He did it from across the room." "Major, please!" "At least won't you stay for lunch?" " Do you like chicken casserole?" " No." "Well, Major, let me be frank." "A negative report from you would be the death knell for Fort Baxter." " We've been in a slump..." " Nine years without a successful test?" "That's not a slump, that's a tradition." "But, Major, think for a minute about the men, their careers." " My career." " Colonel, you play the hand you're dealt." "This isn't the career I had in mind when I got out of OCS." "Shining a seat with my ass in DC, visiting dumpy posts." "I thought I'd be a colonel by now or maybe a general." "Sorry." "What I saw today was a dust cloud that cost $70 million." "Good morning." "Wait!" "There's a lot more to Fort Baxter than just RD, Major." " We have an award-winning commissary." " Try the casserole." "And our softball team won the division title." "And Sergeant Bilko's platoon is in the glee club finals." "I'll certainly keep that in mind." "Did you say Bilko?" "Yeah." "Is that Ernie Bilko?" "One and the same." "Maybe I will stay for lunch." "Well, hoo-ah!" "Ignite that chicken casserole, Captain Moon!" "Yes, sir!" "Now, where did that one go?" " Hey, you're eight over par, Sarge!" " Well, fix it." " Sarge, they let you do this?" " I never asked." "They'd say no." "It is an army post." "(dog barking)" "All right, I got 5-1 on Lover's Knot." " $20 says I can hit the parking lot." " I don't gamble." " What is it you do do?" " Permission to speak..." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "Go ahead." "I get up every morning and I get dressed to protect the American way of life." "Would you tell me that later tonight so I don't have to take a sleeping pill?" "(Thorn) Bilko!" "(whispers) It can't be." "Lieutenant Thorn." " Actually, it's Major Thorn now." " Well, congratulations." "I didn't know you were still in the service." "I'd have looked you up long ago." "I'll bet." "Tell me, Colonel, is he still the same rascal he was at Fort Dix?" " That's one way of putting it." " You changed my life." "Remember that little boxing match?" "Boxing match..." "Hmm." "That made me a new man." "You remember how stiff and uptight I used to be?" "Thanks to him, I realised you can't treat people that way." "I'm a better man for it." "Thanks, Ernie." " Sure." " (dogs barking)" " What was that?" " Greyhounds, sir." " How long will you be with us, Major?" " Not long." "Colonel, what do you say we have that casserole?" "Absolutely, and some jellied yams as well." "Ha." "Let's get back to the barracks and cancel everything-dances, raffles, everything." "God, I forgot it's the play-offs!" "Sarge!" "Here's the money from the blade rentals." "Stop, stop!" "Put that away!" "Stop, everyone!" "Stop!" "Ridin' along in my automobile" "My baby beside me at the wheel" "I stole a kiss at the turn of a mile" "It's Hall with Major Thorn." "Looks like a surprise inspection." "An inspection?" "Now?" "Look at this place!" " ETA, 90 seconds." " (Bilko) Think." "Think." "I've got to think." "Where's Alpha company?" "Field exercises." "So we parked way out on the Kokomo" "The night was young and the moon was gold" "So we both decided to take a stroll" "Can you imagine the way I felt?" "I couldn't unfasten her safety belt" "Cruisin' and playin' the radio" "With no particular place to go" "Um, which way are we facing here?" "Uh, well... it would have to be this one here." "Over hill, over dale we have hit the dusty trail" "As those caissons go rolling along" "And it's hi, hi, hee in the field artillery" "(Hall) Bilko." "Ten-hut, platoon!" " Major Thorn wants to see the barracks." " An inspection?" "I wish we had a little more time." "We're not prepared." "It just gives me a thrill to see what a first-rate top kick can do with a platoon." " Why don't they stand by their rooms?" " Certainly." "Sergeant?" "Really, sir, if the glee club misses practice, I won't be responsible..." " I said now!" " Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut!" " Is this your room, soldier?" " Yes, sir." "Follow me." "Who's this?" "It's the cast of my favourite TV show, sir:" "The African-American Hour." "Oh?" "I've never heard of it." "It's on cable." "See, it's funny, but it also makes you think." "Ah." "Hm." "(toy squeaks)" "Are these yours?" "It is my understanding that you can no longer ask me these questions, sir." "It's a new army, Major." "We're all adjusting." "(sniffs)" " Whose bunk is this?" " Uh, mine, sir." " That corner is not squared off!" " What?" "I told you to make this bunk!" "Now, I don't want any of your excuses!" "Now, drop and give me 20!" "Ha!" "(grunts)" "All right." "One." "We're going for one." "Colonel, you're a very courageous man." "Oh!" "I saw a little combat duty in Kor..." "Courageous?" "What do you mean?" "Thumbing your nose at army regulations." "But I guess your men come first." " And 20." " My men?" "First?" " What does he mean, Bilko?" " This soldier, sir." "I'd say he's about 50 pounds over his maximum allowable weight." "What are the chances of that being discovered and your being blamed?" "Blamed?" "Sergeant, I want him at regulation weight in six weeks." "Yes, sir!" "Adelaide, of course we'll get married, sooner or later." "Nathan Detroit, after 14 years, it is already too late to be sooner." "I'm from Rhode Island, where people do not remain engaged for 14 years." " They get married." " Then why is it such a small state?" "Miss Robbins." "I don't get it." "Why would Adelaide stick around if he, like, disses her all the time?" "Doesn't she have any self-esteem?" "Well, that's a very interesting question." " (Bilko) Certainly is." " Ernie!" "What are you doing here?" " Did you get the flowers I sent ya?" " No." "Darn." "I'll call FedEx and have 'em put a trace on it." "That's right, sweetheart." "Nathan's a hustler." "He's irresponsible, and he's careless with the truth." "But the one thing he never lies about is how much he cares for Adelaide." "See, that's his core, and she knows it." "OK, let's take a break for ten minutes." "And that was really good." "Wonderful." "Ernie, I've been thinking, and I don't think we should see each other any more." "Sweetheart, you promised to go to the Rusty Spur with me." " You never give up, do you?" " Come on." "Come on, sweetheart go to the Rusty Spur with me." "It'd be like old times." "All right, but you've got 30 days." "If this finger is still naked in 30 days it's adios, Pepe." "I mean it this time." "This is your last chance."