"Sons of Tucson The Break-In Original Air Date on March 21, 2010" "Thank you, Tucson!" "* I know we can't slow down, we can't hold back *" "* Though you know we wish we could *" "* No, there ain't no rest for the wicked *" "* Until we close our eyes for good. *" "RADIO ANNOUNCER:" "Man, it's a scorcher out there!" "And I know we say this every day..." "Oh, you gotta be kidding me." "...really is going to be the hottest day of the year..." "Come on!" "The deal is you sleep in the shed." "I told you that when we got you." "You're an outside dad." "I know, but it's too hot in there." "I feel like bacon frying." "You guys are little kids, okay?" "You need your fake dad living in the house to help take care of you." "You smell." "You think I smell now, buddy?" "Wait till I've been dead for five days." "Ron, we'll buy you a new fan at the yard sale." "I did see some pretty cool stuff at the pre-sale viewing." "Hi!" "Why can't we just go to a store?" "It's 150 degrees out here." "This is the reason God created indoor malls." "Ron, we're trying to look like a real family." "Real families do stuff like go to yard sales." "Besides, we're still on damage control after you picked up the wrong kid from swim class." "Okay, in my defense, that little girl looked a lot like Robby from behind." "Ron, stop bitching and start acting like a father." "Now, here's $20 for the fan." "I expect to see some change." "I'm looking for a gun or a sword, whichever's cheaper." "Well, why don't you just take a look in that box over there?" "Hi!" "Hey, Ron Gunderson." "These are toys, lady!" "Did you hear me ask for toys?" "!" "What a frightening little boy." "Oh, my God, oh, God." "What?" "I know that woman, I, uh..." "Looking away isn't gonna make me disappear, Ron." "Hey, what, hey, Angela!" "I didn't see you there." "I was just, uh, looking at this box of naked Barbie Dolls." "Why don't they ever have clothes on?" "What are you doing in a neighborhood where people pay taxes?" "Hey, Dad, who's your angry friend?" "Uh, not now, Brandon." "I'm sorry, "Dad"?" "You don't have kids." "Yeah, he does." "He's got me and two others." "Ron, how is this possible?" "You didn't have kids three years ago." "Mm-hmm, no, no, no, I know." "Not that you knew of, no." "The truth is I had the boys before I met you." "It was just a little too painful to talk about." "It was kind of a turkey baster situation without the turkey baster." "Yeah, Lorraine didn't want a husband, but she sure as heck wanted the kids, so I'd fly up there every once in a while to Seattle and I-M-P-R-E-G..." "A-N..." "N..." "E..." "You know where I'm going with this, right?" "So, but, uh, happy ending, she got hooked on meth and I got the kids, so, hey." "So, how do you guys know each other?" "Uh, actually, Angela married my best friend." "Uh, who I haven't seen in a while." "Why is that, Angela?" "Funny story." "Your dad ruined my wedding." "At the reception, he, um, "made friends" with my mom." "That's right, what a night." "Oh, actually I "made friends" with her twice." "And then I made "partial friends" with her in the clubroom before the out-of-towners brunch." "I found her bra in the chocolate fountain." "Anyway, after that one little incident," "Angela decided that I could never, ever see my best friend again." "So, uh, I haven't." "How is he, how's Glenn doing?" "He's dead." "Ron!" "To you." "Glenn, buddy, hey!" "How are you, man?" "!" "How you doing?" "Come here!" "God, I missed you." "Come here." "Is she looking at us?" "Right at us." "Okay, I'm putting my card in your pocket." "It has my new cell number." "Okay?" "I got it, yes." "That was nice." "It is a shame that we will not be hanging out together soon." "Well, you disrespected my wife, Ron." "I did." "That means you disrespected me." "Glenn, shut up and come over here." "Somebody's trying to buy that hula lamp I want!" "Well, gotta go." "Talk to you soon, buddy." "Oh, yeah, I'll call you." "Hey, did you hear about the Campbells?" "No." "Their house got broken into last night." "Very scary." "I didn't want to say anything in front of your kids." "No, thank you, yeah, that would've freaked them out." "Probably be afraid to be in the house alone." "I hear they took everything." "Yeah, that is fantastic." "Okay, thank you, thank you." "* Anyway I get mine *" "* I get mine *" "* I get mine... *" "Wow, these vampires are a lot more morally complex than I thought." "You bought Twilight at the yard sale?" "Please!" "You want some sparkly lip gloss with that?" "You know what, just play with your G.I. Joes and read your comic books and be whatever the world expects you to be." "You are one weird kid." "Oh, yeah?" "What'd you got?" "A heart-rate monitor and an awesome 1950's hula lamp." "Right, I'm the weird one." "I need this to get my heart rate under control." "Running a household is very stressful." "This thing says I have a heart rate of a 17 year old." "See!" "You pushed me out of my healthy heart zone." "Hey, hi, guys." "Whoa, it's so cool in here, huh?" "Anyway, uh, I just came in to remind you guys that it's trash day tomorrow." "Okay, and, um, also there's been a bunch of violent break-ins in the neighborhood, but don't worry, these guys never kill kids." "Or, uh, is it they always kill kids?" "I don't know, it's one or the other, I can't remember." "But anyway, I will be out there in my shed sleeping." "Have a good night." "Maybe we should let Ron stay in the house for a while." "No way, we can't trust that guy." "For all we know, he could be the burglar." "So, what are we gonna do if someone tries to break in?" "We could just use this." "Whoa!" "Relax, the safety's on." "Or maybe it's off." "No, it's just broken." "RADIO ANNOUNCER:" "Look out, Tucson, forecast for tomorrow, blazing hot... again." "So, you live in this shed." "Yeah." "And those kids are paying you to be their fake dad while their real dad is in prison?" "Yep, you got it." "Wow, this totally tops your pretending to be blind for a year." "Oh, my God, you remember that?" ""What a lovely voice." ""I just need to touch you so I can tell what you look like."" "Oh, those were "GT's."" "Good times, buddy, you and me were like peanut butter and jelly." "Me and you, you know, like ying and..." "That other thing." "Yeah." "You know, I miss those crazy days with you." "But I don't miss waking up hung over in Nova Scotia with a harpoon in my hand." "Those Japanese whalers could not take a joke." "Touchy." "It's a touchy culture, yeah." "But, um, the truth is, Glenn, you know," "I've actually turned a bit of a page myself." "I'm settled down." "I like it, there's a lot less craziness in my life." "To less craziness." "You said it." "To less craziness." "So, listen, I'm gonna need you toak into my house and scare the crap out of my fake kids." "What?" "It's simple." "You break into the house, I scare you off and the kids are suckered into believing that they need someone in there to protect them." "It's breaking and entering." "No, it's not." "You know I left that life behind." "Glenn, no, see, this is not a real robbery." "This is a fake robbery." "Also, I just remembered the other thing is yang, it's yang." "I can't do that." "Yes, you can." "I'm married now, I..." "I work at an insurance company." "And according to Angela, my life's pretty good." "Listen, we are talking about those three innocent lovely kids in there." "They just, they need someone in the house who acts like a dad." "That is the only reason I would ever ask you to break in and terrify them." "Well, if it's for the kids." "Of course it's for the kids." "Now I feel bad I didn't realize it was for the kids." "Don't feel bad, but it's for the kids, yeah." "I'll do it." "Oh, my God, you are the man, thank you." "How are you gonna get away from Angela?" "Look, I wear the pants in the family." "Glenn, are you back there?" "That's her, okay, you gotta hide me." "She thinks I'm out getting fro-yo!" "Come here, go." "Where is he?" "Oh, hello, sunshine." "Oh, come on, I know he snuck out to see you." "Who?" "Fro-yo my ass." "The hell is this place, who lives here?" "Nobody, nobody lives here." "What are you..." "No, no, I put the bed here because, uh, it's my photo studio." "Yeah, I've been focusing on boudoir photography." "Tasteful stuff, soft lighting." "I don't need to hear about your smutty hobby." "Okay." "Just, if you see him, stay away from him." "Okay." "Hi." "The double check?" "Yep." "Don't go to prom with him, Bella." "I know he's hunky and handsome, but he will eat you alive!" "You know we can hear you talking to your book, Buffy." "Hail." "Dude, it's me." "We are go in 30 seconds." "Affirmative." "Are you outside?" "I am under the muted stars of an inky black night." "Have you been drinking?" "Affirmative." "I always drink before a job." "And I crank up the Alanis Morissette." "Are you sure this is a good idea?" "No, wait." "I gotta get moving before the Coors kicks in." "No." "Glenn, Glenn..." "It's go time!" "Uh, Glenn, Glenn..." "Yes." "Stay away from my kids...!" "You loud misleading monster truck rally." "What the hell...?" "!" "What the hell, Ron?" "Okay." "Obviously, I, uh, thought that I heard the burglar." "I didn't." "Uh... and my instinct was to run in here and protect you." "And how about that response time, huh?" "So... just something to think about." "Truckasaurus kicks ass on this one, by the way." "What are you talking about?" "How the hell did you rob the wrong house?" "I never should've finished that four pack of Mike's Hard on the way over." "No." "I guess I'm getting rusty." "But bright side, I was only off by one house." "Not seeing the bright side here, Glenn." "Do you see it now?" "Look what I scored last night." "Oh, yeah, it's Jimmy Carter, and he's electroplated." "Angela's going to love it." "What am I going to love?" "What?" "'Cause it's not seeing you two together." "Oh, hi, honey." "I-I was just cleaning the garage, and then he was walking by, and made me talk to him." "Yep." "Here, I got you a present." "Why are you giving me this?" "Love?" "Okay, this does not make up for you getting outbid on the hula lamp." "And you left your nail clippings all over the arm of the couch." "Uh-oh." "I'll get to it." "Soon." "Maybe now?" "Yeah, now's good." "See you later." "See you later, Glenn." "Huh-uh." "Ma'am?" "What is going on with my husband?" "I have..." "He snuck out two nights in a row." "Last night, he came home all sweaty and flushed with some lame excuse about sleep jogging." "He is walking around with a spring in his step." "Something is making him happy, and it damn well isn't me." "Is he having an affair?" "Absolutely not." "Then what else could he possibly be up to at night?" "It-It could be an affair." "Yeah." "We are trying to have kids, and he is out there with some..." "That sperm belongs to me, Ron." "That is my sperm!" "Hey, I'm not gonna fight you for it." "Help yourself." "* *" "Yeah, hi." "This is the third time I'm calling from Sport Space." "Nobody's fixed our air conditioner." "What?" "Who am I?" "I'm John Sport Space, and I'm..." "The house next door to us just got hit last night." "You're in." "Oh, yeah, baby." "Oh, sweet mother." "Oh." "I knew you'd come around." "Oh." "Bank error in my favor." "I got to go." "That is what I'm talking about." "He's out there somewhere." "Oh, don't you worry, Robby." "I'm gonna be in the house from now on to protect you." "I don't want you to protect me." "I want the robber to get in, so I can cut off his ear and send it back to his gang as a warning." "Mm, that's fine." "Trying to watch TV here." "Hey, Ron?" "Oh." "Hey, Brandon." "You're here now." "I-I kind of thought this was my room." "Can I talk to you for a sec?" "I can't..." "I can't really pause this TV, so..." "Okay." "Go ahead." "Okay, well, every culture tells stories of the living dead." "Now, do you think it's really possible that vampires wa..." "Absolutely." "Really?" "Because it seems to me..." "Brandon, look at me." "Anything is possible." "Follow your dreams." "Okay." "Good night." "Mm-hmm." "Hey, let's go ahead and punch that AC down to 60 on the way out." "Ron, could you clean up just a bit?" "Yeah, you got it, R2-D2." "Oh, come on." "There are only three of them!" "Glenn." "No!" "No!" "No!" "No!" "No!" "I don't need you to rob the house anymore." "Also, could you just call me?" "I'm not really allowed to hauests." "This can't wait." "I just hit two places, and I was on my way to hit a third when I realized-- what am I doing?" "I haven't even thanked Ron yet." "Oh, no." "Oh, no, no." "I've knocked you off the wagon." "That wasn't supposed to be a real robbery." "It was supposed to be like a near beer." "Oh, I've done a bad thing." "Well, I disagree, sir." "And so does Steven Tyler." "Are you kidding me?" "This is what you're risking everything for?" "Your life?" "Your marriage?" "For bobble heads?" "Not just bobble heads." "All sorts of knickknacks." "Got chotchkes and doodads and bric-a-brac." "See, it's not about dollar amount anymore, okay?" "It's about taking a risk, okay?" "It's about dancing next to the fire." "I didn't realize how much I missed this." "Whoa." "Okay, Glenn," "I am begging you as your best friend, you got to stop doing this." "No." "How can I?" "Because if I stop stealing, I stop living." "And I'm gonna live... all over this neighborhood." "No." "And it's all because of you!" "Glenn!" "Now I got to stand up to change the channel." "Where have you been?" "I've been out all night looking for the burglar again." "You're welcome." "What?" "!" "That's crap." "You were probably out all night with your friend Glenn again, and we got problems." "His wife keeps calling here, and while you were out goofing off, three more homes got hit." "I can't live with this kind of stress, Ron." "You've got to burglar-proof our house." "I can't." "I-I can't." "I just need one hour of blessed sleep before my shift." "Ron?" "Oh, my God, it's Angela." "Don't answer." "Get rid of her." "We can't have her here asking questions and snooping around." "Just-Just..." "Just be quiet, okay?" "Maybe she'll go away." "Brandon, don't be tense." "Don't be tense." "That little heart thing is gonna give us a way." "Just..." "No, take it off." "And risk a coronary?" "I'd like to see my twenties, Ron." "Why are you such a weird little kid?" "Just..." "Whoa." "She's looking at you." "No." "The door..." "the door's stuck." "It's broken." "I can't let you in." "You fixed it." "Thank you." "I need to talk to you." "Me?" "Yeah, well, if Glenn had any other friends, I'd talk to them, but you're it, and I'm pretty sure I can break you." "I haven't seen him." "Oh, really?" "Yeah." "Well...." "Well, neither have I." "He didn't come home at all last night." "Whoa." "I've never seen this side of you before." "It's making me really uncomfortable." "What does she have that I don't have?" "I can't breathe." "I need some water." "Just a sec." "I'll get you a glass." "Or some paprika." "You don't know where the water glasses are?" "Yes, of course I know where the water glasses are." "They are right here..." "Who put the can goods where the glassware belongs?" "It's my pet peeve!" "Oh, why don't you just have a juice box instead?" "It's got the straw attached already." "You don't need any more trouble in your life." "Something's not right here." "Get her out." "Not right?" "What?" "How long has it been since you've been in a happy home?" "Oh." "You know, that breaks my heart." "You know what?" "Let me give you some advice to save your marriage." "You need to go away from here, and you don't come back ever." "That part is critical." "What?" "Why?" "Because Glenn is gonna need you to be there when he comes back, and he will, Angela, because you are a beautiful woman." "No." "You are." "I didn't interrupt you." "You didn't?" "No." "Okay, uh, just try paying a little more attention to him, you know?" "I mean, make him feel like you never want him to leave the house." "In fact, don't let him ever leave the house." "Jail him in your love." "I like the idea of not letting him leave." "I bet you do." "You know what else?" "Try something a little different." "Spice it up." "Wear some slutty lingerie." "All right, we've got ourselves a plan." "Come on, let's get you back to a happy and healthy relationship, shall we?" "And you've met Robby, haven't you?" "Mm-hmm." "Let's try the front door." "And this is the garage, by the way." "It's nice, double car." "What the hell, Ron?" "Are you lost in your own house?" "No, no, no, no." "I'm just giving you a tour to help take your mind off your heartbreaking problem, okay?" "Now for the grand finale-- the actual front door." "Go home, make sweet love to your husband, and do not be afraid to role-play." "Role-play?" "Crap!" "VOICE ON TAPE:" "Namaste." "You are a cloud above the ocean." "The ocean is calm..." "We need to talk about the burglaries." "Okay, look," "I'm just gonna put this out there." "All of the break-ins took place at night." "Now, that in itself isn't significant, but add that to the fact that no one has reported seeing the thief's reflection in a mirror." "Also possible with a human, but here's the kicker." "Nothing of value is ever taken." "Could this not be the work of a vampire who's breaking into homes, sucking the blood of human beings, and then stealing worthless trinkets to make it look like the act of a petty thief?" "Shut up, fruitcake!" "Damn it!" "Thought I had this thing licked." "There." "Problem solved." "Angela, this one's for you." "I knew you couldn't resist." "Look, I'm sorry, man." "I-I know it's wrong to hit a friend's house." "Especially the friend who just did you the biggest favor of your life." "Huh?" "Took off your shackles, man." "Angela thought you were having an affair, I tried to save your marriage, then I thought..." "So, I called her at work, said, "Angela, it's Ron." "Glen is stealing again." No." "Yes. "And he's not gonna stop for anyone."" "No." ""You got to get out of this relationship now."" "You told her to leave me?" "I did." "'Cause now it's just you and me and freedom, buddy." "I'm living in the house, you can have the shed." "You can steal all you want." "I don't want to steal, you idiot!" "So you'll stop?" "What have you done?" "What have I done?" "This is all my fault." "Oh..." "Oh, God." "I lost Angela." "This is the rock bottom you always hear about." "GLENN Oh, God!" "What am I doing?" "I just couldn't stop myself." "I know it's evil, but once I tasted it again..." "It's all because of this uncontrollable craving." "Oh, God!" "I'm a monster!" "Oh." "Oh, vampire." "I can't believe this." "I just lost everything." "And for what?" "A few cheap thrills." "My life is over." "Yeah, you're right." "It is over." "Or at least it would have been if I had actually called Angela at work." "Huh?" "What?" "I didn't call her, man." "Are you kidding me?" "You're my best friend." "I just..." "You were spinning out." "I had to give you some kind of shock treatment to shake you up." "You mean, she's not gonna...?" "No." "So, you were just teaching me a..." "Yes." "Oh, Ron, can we just...?" "Hug?" "You know it." "I was gonna say grab a beer, but this is good, too." "Okay, so you gonna stop this stupid crap?" "Yes." "I will never, ever steal anything again." "Good." "I think I really dodged a bullet this time." "I'll save you, Ron!" "Dibs on his ear!" "Oh, please don't kill me!" "It doesn't count as killing if you're already dead, bloodsucker." "What's in that sock?" "!" "Ooh!" "Oh, finally." "Hey, Ron, you comfortable?" "Yeah, I am, thank you." "It's nice being in the house, huh?" "So nice." "Can I get you a drink?" "How about a drink?" "Yeah." "Wow." "That would be incredible, Gary." "Thank you." "Well, we got plenty of water in the hose outside!" "Brandon told me everything." "You're back in the shed." "I'm sorry, Ron." "I did try to save your life." "Yeah." "At least someone got hurt." "Fine." "Okay." "You know what?" "Fine!" "I'll leave." "You win, okay?" "But just for the record, those kitchen cabinets are very poorly organized." "Ooh!" "Damn it, Robby, clean up your marbles!"