"(gentle orchestral music)" "[Voiceover] Today Britney fans can take to the stage at a" "Britney Spears lookalike, dance alike, sing alike contest sponsored by KFTC FM for a chance to win VIP tickets to see the teen sensation live." "[Voiceover] Oh, it's beautiful, but wait a minute." "Isn't this..." "[Voiceover] Yeah, yes it is." "[Voiceover] But I thought the old lady dropped it into the ocean at the end." "[Voiceover] Well baby I went down and got it for you." "[Voiceover] Awe you shouldn't have." "("Oops I Did It Again" by Britney Spears)" "♫ Oops I did it again to your heart" "♫ Got lost in this game oh baby" "♫ Oops I did it again" "♫ I played with your heart" "♫ Got lost in the game" "♫ Oh baby baby" "♫ Oops you think I'm in love" "♫ That I'm sent from above" "♫ I'm not that innocent" "♫ Yeah ♫" "(audience applauding)" "[Voiceover] The winner of our KXTC Britney Spears lookalike contest will receive her very own cell phone and will be chauffeur driven to Britney's upcoming concert where she will meet Britney herself, live backstage." "And the winner is." "Robert Stevens." "[Voiceover] Robert Stephens?" "Robert Stephens!" "You're on your way to meet Britney herself." "How do you feel?" "I am so excited." "(upbeat orchestral music)" "(heavy metal music)" "I'm Dude Schmitz, a filmmaker from Menomonee Falls" "Milwaukee, the beer and film capital of the world." "Film capital of the world?" "Yeah that's right because I make films there." "My greatest film ever?" "Blood Head." "Well my only film, but it won a prize at the Venice Film Festival, and from then on" "I thought it was gonna be easy." "Fame and fortune coming right up man," "For my next project, Sudden Doom." "I can't believe you still gotta do this lame paper route shit man." "Well I gotta make some cash Diane." "You wanna get paid for Blood Head or what?" "Cool." "Even though you're now such a big deal after winning at that Venice Film Festival." "Sweet Venice Italy man, not California." "Right man." "This here's my brother Mike Schmitz." "He helps me with all my films." "He's been helping since day one." "He helps behind the camera and in front of the camera." "Ain't that right Mike?" "That's right Dude." "You're gonna help me with Sudden Doom?" "Well if someone has to do it, it might as well be me Dude." "Damn right and Sudden Doom is gonna happen to you, and to you Mike." "Yeah." "[Diane] Yeah well if you're such a big deal maybe somebody would pay you that way you could pay us." "[Dude] Diane we got through this all the time, alright man, you'll get paid." "(intense music)" "Yeah we're gonna add anew segment with the fire at the cheese plant." "Entertainment?" "Oh well listen Mr. Steckman I'm gonna have to get back to you on that." "You know I got my best people on it." "Intern!" "Andy I've told you a million times that my name isn't actually Intern, it's Emily." "What have we got on tap for today's entertainment report?" "Um that NBC show got cancelled, the film with Dude Schmitz won best talk at the Venice Film Festival, and Britney is playing at the Bradley Center." "Great, great so we got the crew going to do the Britney thing eh?" "No the crew is down at the cheese fire." "Oh shit." "Shit." "You know you could always have Dude Schmitz go down and do the Britney thing." "I mean he's from Menomonee Falls." "What do you think of this." "We send this Dude Schmitz guy to do the Britney thing, right, huh." "Local celebrity meets national celebrity." "Andy you're a genius." "Sudden Doom is about an innocent man in a small town who discovers a terrible secret." "He believes he's the only one who knows about it, but yet the eyes are watching him." "Slowly but surely the walls come closing in." "He can run, but he cannot hide." "Right Mike?" "I kill people." "I paint my face with a magic marker and then kill like 17 people then I go to an AA meeting." "Man Sudden Doom is gonna be great." "[Voiceover] Dude you've been talking about that film forever." "Yeah well that's because it's gonna be a master piece man." "Right." "Okay JJ help me get the TV, we're taking it." "[Dude] Guys what are you doing?" "Look Dude if you're not gonna pay us, we're taking stuff." "[JJ] Hello." "[Dude] Diane I didn't say I wasn't gonna pay you." "Oh I dunno I'll ask." "Hey, hey, hey, how soon can we get all of our equipment and get down to Channel Three News." "Oh ho ho, look at this." "Dude Schmitz just back from the Venice Film Festival." "Congratulations." "Andy Robbins." "Venice Italy man." "Great." "Listen, this is what I was thinkin'." "Local celebrity meets national celebrity." "Wow, yeah I like that man." "So tell me, what do you know about Britney Spears?" "Uh." "It's okay, it's okay." "Listen I had my researchers pull up some material for you." "Take a look at that huh." "Sounds familiar." "[Diane] You now, she was naked on the MTV Awards." "Jesus." "Ba, Ba, Ba boom." "[Diane] Yep, that's the one." "Wow, yeah, sure, I know everything about her man." "Let's roll." "Woah, woah, woah." "Listen all my news vans are covering, you know, the cheese fire, so you're gonna have to take the RV here." "There's a cell phone for ya, so you can keep in touch with me." "And then there's a manual for the uplink." "[Diane] Up link?" "Yeah we're gonna be under a little time crunch, so you'll have to send up the piece through the satellite." "Okay dokay?" "Dude?" "Wow, can I keep this?" "I didn't know who Britney was." "But then I read all these magazines and I found out that people wanted to know one thing about her." "And you know what?" "I was gonna be the one to find that out." "See I told you this would work." "[Diane] Don't push it." "Hey let's just get in there, do the interview, and get out." "The plan is no screw ups, alright?" "Are they for real?" "How dare you." "No one does that to Britney Spears." "What?" "I meant it as a complement." "A guy can ask." "Britney is an artist." "Yeah an artist with enormous." "[Diane] Dude!" "What?" "Come on I mean it, she didn't get 'em so guys could stare?" "If I ever see your face around here again," "I will have you arrested." "(down tempo music)" "So exactly how does this fit into the no screw ups plan?" "All I wanted to do was find out if they were for real." "I mean come on man." "(giggling)" "I know." "(giggling)" "[Voiceover] Speaking of which hundreds of Britney Spears fans gathered in Glendale today to sing and dance for a chance to win VIP tickets." "Alright Mr. Director, what are you gonna do now?" "I mean you said we were gonna get paid." "After the interview Diane." "No interview, no money from the network." "At least we get his TV." "Hey this is really good coffee, you outta have another cup." "Yeah I should huh." "(cell phone ringing)" "Oh man this is gonna hurt." "Hello." "Dude, how did the interview go?" "Well about that, here's the thing." "You know because my boss's daughter is a huge" "Britney Spears fan." "He wants to make this the lead story and bump it up to three minutes, eh." "Three minutes is a lot." "Yeah well you know what else is a lot?" "Your paycheck okay." "(instrumental Oops I Did It Again music)" "Andy I've got Britney right here, right now." "I'll call you back." "(sobbing)" "Hello?" "I just wanna apologize for what happened back there." "It was totally my fault and I'm totally willing to make up for it." "You can order anything, I'm buying." "I just have a couple of questions." "It'll be the quickest interview ever, I promise." "Interview?" "What interview?" "Oh I get it, you're reporters." "You wanna interview me about the contest that I won for KXTC FM." "(crying)" "She doesn't sound so good." "[Robert] See, I won this Britney Spears lookalike contest and I was so happy and so ecstatic." "And when I went to the concert, I mean I was on cloud nine," "I thought I was gonna meet my idol." "You know, the person that I worship." "And then I get there, and then this bitch." "(squealing)" "Hey, hey!" "Get outta here you god damned impostor." "No, wait, I'm not an impostor." "Look this is just a misunderstanding." "See I won this contest." "I cannot believe the nerve." "No wait a minute." "I'm the lookalike, I'm the winner." "Britney's number one fan." "(door slamming)" "(gasping)" "Oh dammit." "(sad music)" "Can you believe they threw me out from backstage because some idiot from Entertainment Today thought I was the real Britney." "Yeah, what an idiot." "(cell phone ringing)" "(speaking in foreign language)" "[Robert] Can you excuse me a minute?" "I need to take this outside." "[Mike] Hey you know what?" "[JJ] Yeah that's totally not Britney." "Alright we need to rethink this thing." "[Diane] Oh no, not another plan." "I've got good plans." "And I realized right then and there, this is how I was gonna finance Sudden Doom." "We all need to get paid right?" "And what we need is an interview with Britney Spears, and he's Britney Spears." "Britney Spears won a Britney Spears lookalike contest?" "That's so unfair." "He's not Britney." "He's a Britney, what's the difference?" "Do I even need to start with the penis?" "Details, details Diane." "So you're a big Britney fan eh?" "Yes, huge." "[Dude] Listen man." "[Robert] My name's Robert." "Right." "We're not reporters." "I'm a director." "I've had a film at the Venice Film Festival." "I was hired to interview Britney and some of her fans." "Hot." "I can't believe you've actually met her." "Does she really take baby with her everywhere?" "Baby?" "Her dog." "And was she eating chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream?" "That's boo's favorite." "[Diane] Yeah we were supposed to interview her, but Dude here." "We never finished our interview with Britney today, so we'll have to catch up with her at her next concert." "You're going to New Orleans?" "New Orleans?" "Duh, that's where her next concert is." "Well yeah we're going to New Orleans." "Look, why don't you come out with us and we'll interview you along the way." "Oh wow." "I don't know." "I have to work for my dad." "Robert you are Britney's number one fan and you have talent." "Unique talent." "I'm gonna show Robert to the world." "Robert as, Robert what's your last name?" "Stephens." "As Robert Stephens and Britney Spears 24 hours a day." "What do you say?" "My dad would kill me." "Okay let's do it." "Oh!" "We can go to Kentwood." "[Dude] Kentwood?" "Kentwood Louisiana, Britney's hometown." "She just bought a new mansion." "It's a plantation with a huge jacuzzi." "And then we could go to Covington." "That's where Britney used to do gymnastics when she was little." "Her favorite event was the floor exercises." "Alright cool man all of that." "Mike, can you take Robert to the RV?" "Um, I'm not homosexual or nothing." "Okay." "Don't worry about it." "Some people think that a homosexual has a better um a better chance of um having sex with another guy." "I don't agree with that and stuff." "So I think that people should, I mean girls on girls that's fine you know, but I mean, 'cause, guys on guys, you know, you can't have that." "See problem solved." "I don't know Dude, this is crazy, it's never gonna work." "Hey JJ it's sweet man, he's her double." "It's wild." "No, it's weird." "You know what is all this crap about meeting up with the real Britney Spears?" "Did you forget that Penny McAllister's gonna have your ass arrested?" "I'll figure something out." "Hey I have an idea." "Why don't you just ogle her tits." "Women seem to really respond to that." "Let's go." "(cell phone ringing)" "So here's the thing Andy." "[Andy] Why'd you hang up on me." "Is something wrong?" "No." "The total opposite man." "I've got a Britney exclusive." "What do you mean?" "[Dude] Britney's gonna allow us to go down to New Orleans along with her." "Total access man." "Woah." "That's a great get." "But, woah, but where's my footage for today?" "Today?" "Are you listening to me man?" "I'm talkin' Britney 24 hours a day for the next three days." "I'm gonna bring you ridiculous amounts of footage man." "I don't think I actually got your name." "Oh Diane." "Cameraman." "Don't you mean camerawoman?" "Look who's talking." "Anyway that's JJ our editor." "Thanks for fixing my shoe." "No problem." "And that there's Mike." "Yeah I work with Dude and stuff." "He's my brother." "This is gonna make us all famous." "Goodbye Wisconsin, hello Hollywood man." "Okay listen, I'm gonna have to run that by Steckman." "Andy we've gotta do this now." "Britney is leaving right now." "Oh okay yes, I think." "You're gonna have to uplink footage to me everyday." "You got it man." "Okay now I need to work out a couple." "Hello?" "Hello?" "Dude, Dude." "Okay let's hit the road." "Mike, you don't drive." "No I don't." "Okay Diane, you drive." "(upbeat rock music)" "Okay this dude walks into a bar with an alligator." "And he says, hey bartender give me a drink on the house, he says I gotta sneaking trick, here's what I can do." "He says I can pry open this alligator's jaws," "I can stick it over my thing for 10 minutes, and then open up his jaws and everything will be fine." "Bartender says to him, woah, yeah, that'd be a pretty good trick." "So he says, okay." "He pry's the alligator's jaws open, puts it over his thing, times 10 minutes on his watch, grabs a beer bottle off the bar and slams the alligator over the head." "The alligator opens it's jaws and everything's fine." "Everyone claps, you know." "He shouts at the rest of the people at the bar, he says, well you've seen me do it." "Now who else in here is brave enough to do it?" "And everyone's going, no, no, I don't think I can," "I don't wanna try that, you know that looks pretty dangerous and shit so." "And then all the sudden the drunk lady at the end of the bar she goes, hey hey, she goes, I'll do it, I'll do it, but don't hit me over the head with a beer bottle." "(laughing)" "(upbeat rock music)" "Any way you look at it man, it was gonna be wild." "No doubt about it." "1,200 miles of anything that could happen with no money for beer, no gas, no food man, but I was gonna do it." "So I think to myself, uh oh, this freak's no Britney." "But then, hey, who's really seen Britney up close and in person." "Don't ask, don't tell, that's what we used to say in the army man." "(tires screeching and glass breaking)" "[Dude] Woah what's going on?" "[Diane] It looks like an accident." "[Dude] Oh well then keep driving." "[Diane] Someone's in trouble Dude." "God can you try to think of someone other than yourself for a change?" "[Dude] Hey I'm thinking about all of us." "[Diane] Alright guys, let's go." "(kids yelling)" "[Robert] Oh my god I think she's dead!" "It looks like she bashed her head into the wind shield." "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" "Yeah the car crash scene in Sudden Doom." "Diane get the camera!" "No way Dude we got to get them out of here." "Somebody help me." "Hold on there honey, we're gonna get you out okay?" "Hold on." "(dramatic music)" "[Diane] Oh okay." "Get her, get her." "[Voiceover] Mommy, mommy, mommy help." "[Diane] We're coming, we're coming." "Come on JJ." "Come on honey take my hand." "[Voiceover] But mommy said about strangers." "Listen kid I'm not trying to give you candy or offer you a ride in my van, if you don't move you're gonna be a human sword in about10 seconds, let's go." "Got it?" "Woah okay." "Oh my god, she's alive." "Britney!" "Britney Spears!" "Wait, put the kid back in the car." "[Diane] What?" "Robert should save her." "Why?" "'Cause it'll look great." "[Dude] Okay back you go." "[JJ] No Dude, don't." "You'll look like a real hero." "Come on back you go." "But it'll burn, it'll burn." "[JJ] Dude it could explode." "[Dude] No." "I had a car like this once." "It'll only explode if the fire's in back." "But Dude you're thinking of your Pinto." "No, no, no, no." "The Pinto blew up because the engine was on fire." "My Corvair exploded from the back." "Don't you wanna be saved by Britney?" "Mommy." "Mommy will wake up after you do this for me sweetie." "[Diane] Oh Dude, come on." "Okay maybe, maybe mommy will wake up." "Let's go, Robert." "The camera." "Action!" "Oh, oh, Britney Spears?" "Britney you saved my daughters life." "Wow, this is great." "Oh, well, actually you know." "Thank you Britney." "Can we have your autograph?" "Oh but see, I'm actually not." "[Dude] Hey." "Okay sure, what do you want me to sign?" "This is great man." "Actually I think it was the Pinto." "You know what Mike?" "I think you're right." "(explosion)" "(calm music)" "[Robert] So what's all this stuff?" "Oh it's the editing system." "It's all computerized." "Uh, that's Jeff Goldblum from Independence Day." "He's part of my Jewish action figures collection." "Jewish action figures?" "It's a small collection." "Who else have you got?" "Oh well I've got Jeff Goldblum from Independence Day and Jeff Golblum from Jurassic Park." "Okay but what about like, Einstein or Freud or Adam Sandler?" "No, only action figures." "[Robert] Do you wanna see my Japanese collection?" "Action figures?" "I hope so." "(speaking in foreign language)" "What's all that about eh?" "Oh, his name is Hideaki Takizawa." "He's like the Leonardo DiCaprio of Japan." "He's like the dreamiest thing I think" "I've ever laid my eyes on." "That's cool." "(horn honking)" "You know, I'm part Japanese American." "In fact I was living over there as part of an exchange program the very first time I saw Britney's music video for Baby One More Time." "And I thought, oh my god, talk about religious experiences." "I mean it was almost as if there was this ray of heaven shining down and it found me just poised and ready to soak it all up." "I had found my new diva." "Everything about her was mesmerizing and I knew I wanted to be just like her." "The way she sang, the way she danced, the way that men everywhere loved her, adored her, would move heaven and earth to be with her." "Hello, that's totally what I want." "So I knew that I had to become her." "I was totally hooked." "Wow." "(dramatic music)" "Listen Dude, I know you're not telling me the whole plan." "Hey don't worry about it, I've thought of everything." "Oh yeah, like how to pay for gas?" "Jesus." "What could be more pathetic than stealing from a man's purse?" "Diane I don't steal." "It's just a loan until we get our checks." "I'm keeping track." "Fine you do that." "[Robert] JJ I'm hungry, I'm gonna go get something to eat." "Duh, what am I doing, I've gotta get my hand bag." "[Dude] No, I don't want you going for that purse ever again." "I'll take care of everything." "Look here's some cash." "Thanks." "[Dude] It's on me." "Hey, I'm hungry too." "[Dude] Diane you only look moderately hungry." "Can I have some Saltines?" "Yes you can have some Saltines." "Join the club, you join the club too alright?" "It'll all work out." "[Diane] I'm not joining the club man." "Don't feed me that moderately hungry crap." "Diane, join the club." "Hey guys, wait a goddamn minute." "Look at what we got here." "Hi boys." "Nice place you got here." "Sassy, pink." "Really pink." "It's cute." "Umm, uh, listen, I'm just like you, you know?" "Oh no you're not." "But um, yeah, uh." "We know all about you." "We listen to the radio 12 hours a day and we hear all about folks like you." "Harry." "Oh my god you guys, oh my god you guys." "Oh my god you guys, we got big trouble." "Robert in a bunch of big nasty truckers." "Grab the camera man." "Are you insane?" "What?" "For evidence." "I'll get it." "Mike get the camera." "(dramatic music)" "Hey where are you going man?" "Man that truck stop was wild." "I mean I thought Robert was DOA, dead on arrival." "[Robert] Five, six, seven, eight." "♫ Oops I did it again" "♫ I played with your heart" "♫ Got lost in the game" "♫ Oh baby, baby," "♫ Oops you think I'm in love" "♫ That I'm sent from above" "♫ I'm not that innocent" "♫ You see my problem is this" "♫ I'm dreamin' away" "♫ Wishin' that heroes they truly exist" "♫ I cry watching the days" "♫ Can't you see I'm a fool in so many ways" "♫ But to lose all my senses" "♫ That is just so typically me" "♫ Baby, oh ♫" "[Voiceover] Britney before you go, there's something I want you to have." "Oh it's beautiful." "But wait a minute, isn't this?" "[Voiceover] Yeah, yes it is." "But I thought the old lady dropped it into the ocean at the end?" "[Voiceover] Well baby I went down and got it for you." "Awe you shouldn't have." "♫ Oops I did it again to your heart" "♫ Got lost in this game oh baby ♫" "Wow this is freakin' heavy man." "♫ I played with your heart" "♫ Got lost in the game" "♫ Oh baby, baby ♫" "[Dude] This freak is cooler than I thought" "I mean if those truckers went for him, so would that moron Andy Robbins." "♫ I'm not that innocent ♫" "Only my brother Mike missed all the fun." "Hey fish how's it going?" "I really like looking at fish, and deer, and birds, and lions, and gorillas, 'cause then I'm being true to myself." "Most likely another little fish is gonna come and give you some free food in the near future." "[Dude] Hey Mike we're over here man." "[JJ] Hey you never told 'em he was an impersonator." "It doesn't matter." "Hey I want you to edit this all together tonight." "Andy's gonna love this." "Yeah it still is gonna take him at least a day to review it." "What about gas and food?" "I'll think of something." "(softly singing)" "You know I could straighten your hair." "No thanks." "Why not, it would look nice." "Because I'm not interested." "You have great hair, you're so lucky." "I'm so lucky?" "Wow there's an adjective I've never been associated with." "Why not?" "I mean I've always wanted hair like yours." "Plus you get to interview celebrities like Britney Spears." "I think most people would envy you." "Yeah well I think most people have never had to wedge themselves in a tree in Dude's backyard trying to get an overhead shot." "And my back is killing me from lugging that damn camera around all day." "Hun maybe it's not the camera that's hurting your back." "Maybe it's your, um, your front side." "You know?" "What my boobs?" "Yeah." "I mean I couldn't help but notice they are kinda, you know." "Oh god are you looking at my tits Robert?" "Jesus all men really are alike." "No, no." "Not like that." "I mean its 'cause you and I are like, well I mean, except mine are fake of course, but." "They're real." "Oh oh, alright sister, they're real." "Well maybe you should wear a sports bra?" "Well because they're for like active girls." "Oh god." "[Robert] Well the one I'm wearing right now." "Please, please just don't even go there okay." "I can't take one more minute of this." "Why, what's wrong?" "Because." "I mean I really appreciate the effort and everything, but I'm not taking lingerie advice from a guy." "Okay." "Especially not a guy that dresses up like Britney Spears." "[Robert] Alright." "Shit." "Hey can you save what's on screen right now as a still photo?" "[JJ] Sure." "Just tell me what you like." "[Dude] Right there." "[JJ] Why?" "[Dude] Oh no reason." "[JJ] Cool." "Yeah man we got lucky, that really looks good." "Wild." "A lot more than wild man." "It's wild, wicked, and sinful." "(upbeat rock music)" "♫ I'm waitin'" "♫ I wanna get higher" "♫ 'Cause I'm waitin'" "♫ I wanna get higher" "♫ Cause I'm waitin' ♫" "[Diane] Hey Dude." "It's getting really late." "Are we gonna call it a night soon or what?" "We're almost there." "[Diane] Almost where?" "I haven't seen a hotel in miles." "Hotel?" "(upbeat rock music)" "(snoring)" "Hey, hey I've got an exclusive photo of Britney Spears that I think the Daily lnnuendo would love." "No cash isn't good man, we're on the road." "Yup, Western Union would be perfect man." "I'll email it over to you right now." "Alright." "(heavy rock music)" "♫ Make the same sound" "♫ So I wonder where the wind comes from" "♫ And what it kicks around ♫" "(screaming music)" "It's not her." "I know." "You ran her." "It's on me, she'll flip her shit." "Debbie get in here." "Send the usual letter to that girl in Marble head." "That'll put the fear of god into her." "What is this?" "Is that her?" "It can't be?" "We didn't pull a child from a burning car." "Not on my watch." "[Debbie] Then who is it?" "I don't know, it's gotta be another doctored image of some kind." "Look get 'em on the god damn phone," "I'll straighten this out." "Hello?" "Intern, um, could I get a map to Louisiana?" "Emily and I'm busy." "I um." "Yeah Andy was beginning to freak out." "I mean I didn't care man." "As long as the money came in." "Hey slow up man, slow up." "Stop over here at this Western Union." "For what?" "Um I gotta pick up a telegram." "I'll be right back." "[Mike] Cool." "Sweet." "That one photo we had enough to get half the costumes for Sudden Doom right out of that pawn shop." "[JJ] Hey Dude where are we?" "[Dude] White Guard, Springfield Illinois." "That's the birthplace of President Abraham Lincoln." "Oh Lincoln was gay so." "[JJ] Really?" "[Dude] Wow." "I wonder if like at the time if like, if people who were living back then would be like, duh." "Like maybe he was this big flaming queen and no one even knew because, you know, it's 150 years ago you know." "[JJ] You know come to think of it, Lincoln's the only president I've ever seen without a shirt on right?" "He was a sinewy chap." "[Diane] Sinewy?" "Isn't it sinewy?" "I pronounce it sinewy." "Pfft." "I pronounce that (buster sound with tongue)." "(laughter)" "[Robert] Are we gonna make this clearing?" "[Dude] No." "[JJ] No stop, stop, stop, stop." "[Dude] Are you serious?" "I'm dead serious." "I think we've got 13 feet here." "Doesn't it say?" "[Diane] It did say13 feet for clearance." "[Dude] Wow." "[Diane] Well let's just try it." "What's the worst it could do?" "What, what, what?" "[Dude] There's Lincoln right there." "[Robert] Yeah." "[Mike] All this talk about gay people makes me think about looking at some naked women." "[Dude] I know I'm speaking with Robert, but it seems like I'm also speaking with Britney Spears." "Why do gay men like Madonna?" "Why do gay men like Dolly Parton?" "You know she's larger than life and just this fierce feminine creature." "[Dude] I ain't into dude's or nothing like that, but if I was like a gay dude, 'cause I like women a lot man," "I'd be thinking you'd begetting scoped out man." "What's on with that?" "That's not how, that's not how it works in the gay community." "I mean if you're not a muscle Mary then you've already got like two strikes against you right there." "Plus if you're not into drugs or anything like that, 'cause I don't do any drugs, I don't smoke, I don't drink." "But I'm not gonna change who I am because I don't fit into a specific mold." "I just need to, you know, be comfortable within my own skin I think, you know." "Look at me right now, I'm in Springfield Illinois next to, you know, our nations only gay President." "How hot is that?" "(laughing)" "That is not Britney." "Because I know where she is 24 hours a day." "Look, you tell me where you got that photo or we are going to sue the Daily Innuendo for several million dollars." "(slamming down phone and yelling in frustration)" "So this is not a doctored image." "It's that impostor." "Oh my god, she could be anywhere diluting the brand name." "Get me the name of this car wreck woman." "[Mom] If it wasn't Britney Spears, it must have been her twin." "Tell me about the B, is it a looping B?" "Yes it's a looping B." "Damn this impostor is good." "(upbeat rock music)" "If we use the tabloid money for hotel and gas, we'll be completely out of cash." "(police sirens)" "Uh oh." "Let me see Ma's card." "No Dude." "Oh god, you suck." "Slow up." "Pull into that hospital." "What's wrong?" "[Dude] Nothings wrong." "I want to donate blood." "Huh, run that to me again?" "Hey I just wanna donate some blood, and I think you should too." "I think it's a good idea." "What's the catch?" "No catch." "I just wanna give back to the community, that's all." "Okay everybody out, Diane grab the camera." "Look, we donate some blood, we make some quick cash, that's how Tarantino financed Jackie Brown." "Wasn't that Miramax?" "Dude, whatever man." "The hospital." "(phone ringing)" "(gasping)" "I hear you come to children's hospitals to visit the children, but I never expected here." "[Dude] Well actually doc." "No, it's nurse Doug." "Oh you're so pretty in person." "You're perfect." "Well thank you, but I'm really not." "The children are gonna." "Oh you want us to visit a bunch of fucked up kids." "What?" "Absolutely." "Sorry guy you've got the wrong idea." "Woah woah wait a minute." "This could be sweet." "Britney here could entertain the kids." "That'd look great on camera." "I'm sure Britney would love to." "But I'm not gonna." "Wait, wait, you're gonna say no to a bunch of sick kids?" "[Robert] Dude I don't wanna fool them." "Not fool, entertain." "I don't know Dude, something about this just seems wrong." "Oh I wonder what that could be." "Oh yeah, everything." "Everything about this is wrong." "Wrong." "This is righter than right can be man." "Make the kids happy." "Britney Spears really cares about them." "Children, so here she is." "Britney Spears." "(all talking together)" "Hi Britney." "[Robert] Hi kids." "I got your doll." "[Robert] Oh you sure do, can I see her?" "Oh my gosh is this Marie Osmond?" "I don't know, it was my mom's when she was little." "[Robert] Marie Osmond used to have her own TV show a long time ago." "[Dude] Hey Britney, come on." "Dance for the kids." "(all shouting together)" "Yeah!" "Oh I don't." "[Dude] Do it for the children." "Um, okay, sure." "Why not." "[Dude] Action." "("Sometimes" by Britney Spears)" "♫ Just hang around and you'll see" "♫ There's no where I'd rather be" "♫ If you love me ♫ Trust in me" "♫ The way that I" "♫ Trust in you" "♫ Hope that you will wait for me" "♫ You'll see that you're the only one for me" "♫ I wanna believe that everything that you say" "♫ 'Cause it sounds so good" "♫ But if you really want me, move slow" "♫ There's things about me you just have to know" "♫ Sometimes I run" "♫ Sometimes I hide" "♫ Sometimes I'm scared of you" "♫ But all I really want is to hold you tight" "♫ Treat you right" "♫ Be with you day and night" "♫ All I really want is to hold you tight, hold you tight" "♫ Treat you right" "♫ Be with you day and night, day and night" "♫ Sometimes I run, sometimes I hide" "♫ Be with you day and night" "♫ All I really want is to hold you tight" "♫ Be with you day and night ♫" "(kids clapping)" "That's what makes it all worthwhile." "That's what makes what worthwhile?" "He's like starting to believe his own act." "[JJ] I know I don't get it either." "I don't know how to thank you Miss Spears." "No thank you." "For the first time in my life I feel like" "I've actually made a difference." "I just wish I could do more." "Well you are, you're giving me your blood." "I mean, I mean the hospital." "Hey so how much will we begetting for this blood thing?" "I don't understand." "Money?" "How much money do you guys pay for blood?" "Well this is a children's hospital, you donate blood here." "Donate, you mean for free." "Yeah." "I don't think so Dougle." "I think we should donate blood Dude." "No, we really don't have the time, we gotta get a move on." "My scalp it's so itchy." "Alright, alright, let's bust open some veins." "Come on Mike." "(grunting)" "You know what?" "I've got terrible blood." "Very thin, or thick, whichever's worse." "Just relax, it'll be okay." "No dude, you really don't want my blood." "It's full of brewski, really bad for the kids." "Now wait a minute, you haven't been to England lately have you?" "Is that bad?" "Yeah, you'd be ineligible." "Mad cows." "Dude I ate a lot of meat in England, you don't even wanna know." "You've been to England Dude?" "Mike relax." "[Diane] So Dude were they surprised when it came out ice water?" "Yeah very funny." "We're almost done Miss Spears." "Miss Spears?" "Miss Spears?" "Miss Spears?" "Doctor we have a code blue." "(alarm sounding)" "Miss Spears?" "Didn't we forget to tell the children that Britney Spears was a man?" "I mean isn't that the point of this here film?" "You wanna break the hearts of all those sick children man?" "That's just cruel." "Think about the children JJ." "She probably just fainted." "Better make sure though." "Celebrity, we don't want a lawsuit." "What is it doctor?" "I don't hear a heartbeat." "Oh my god, I killed Britney Spears!" "Don't panic, get me the paddles." "(intense music)" "There's something wrong." "They're gonna find out." "Don't panic, don't panic." "There are many reasons why one can't initially hear a heart beat." "Really?" "No." "[Nurse] What?" "The only thing I can think of is that maybe she has a faint heartbeat or I mean uh, maybe she has breast implants." "Breast implants, it's in all the tabloids." "Do you know what this means?" "Britney Spears wears falsies 'cause she's really flat chested." "Oh Christ keep pulling, the entire project is at stake." "What happened?" "What the hell happened here?" "Relax Dude, everything's fine." "Sir, I just want you to know that you can trust the integrity of my doctor patient confidentiality." "I will never tell anyone about what I saw in here today." "Cool." "(phone dialing)" "Bob, you are never gonna believe this one." "(giggling)" "(upbeat music)" "♫ I spent years out searchin'" "♫ With all my friends" "♫ For some way to be happy" "♫ Would it ever end ♫" "[Dude] Woah there it is." "There is Graceland." "Um Dude, do you think I could stop and get some clothes?" "I mean all I have is what I'm wearing." "You're not talking about men's clothes are you?" "Uh yeah." "No, no, no, don't you see?" "You've gotta live the part man." "You've gotta be Britney all the time." "Okay well then do you think I could get some more Britney clothes then?" "Absolutely." "Yeah I could use a new shirt too." "Oh yeah hey, and maybe I could stop and get a sports bra too." "What?" "What's a sports bra Dude?" "(soft piano music)" "So Dude, where did you get the money for those clothes?" "Sharon Schmitz?" "Hey that's mom's credit card." "Mom said that was for emergency uses only." "Hey relax, she's my ma too, she'll get paid when we wall get paid." "Sorry dude." "Dude?" "He called me dude." "Diane you should be honored." "You know Diane if you just wore a little bit of makeup." "No, god, not the mom speech." "Diane why don't you put on a dress?" "Diane please wear a little bit of makeup." "Diane don't make the dog lick you there." "I'm over it." "It's true though you're very pretty." "And if you wore just a little bit of blush you could accentuate those fierce little cheekbones you have." "Do you know how a woman accentuates her cheekbones?" "By not eating for two weeks." "I'll pass, I'm not a makeup person." "Well I am sister, come with me." "[Diane] No." "(groaning)" "Don't make the dog lick you where?" "[Dude] Mike I've got an idea." "Cool." "Okay fine I'll do the music." "That's her right there." "That's her totally I swear." "I always wanted to be a bodyguard." "I took karate for 16 years." "Mike you don't have to be a real bodyguard." "It's all for show." "I just want you to look like you're Britney Spears bodyguard." "Oh." "Sweet." "(upbeat rock music)" "Britney Spears, look it." "♫ Go home and take of fall your make up, make up" "♫ Some saying' what about the break up, break up" "♫ And as you're bitin' off your toenails, toenails" "♫ Make sure to scream that you're the only one" "♫ Who's ever falling' victim to a stand up project ♫" "(girls chattering)" "Oh my god." "Alright let's go." "[Voiceover] Oh my god you guys, it's Britney Spears." "(screaming)" "[Diane] Excuse me!" "[Dude] Mike go stand there, you're her bodyguard, go!" "(screaming)" "Watch where you're going man." "(screaming)" "♫ But doesn't make you wanna drive far, drive far" "♫ You better watch because they're comin' back up ahead" "♫ Slam on my brakes and this is prolly what'll happen ♫" "(screaming crowd)" "[Voiceover] I love you Britney." "[Dude] Hey Mike, where did you go?" "I went to hell and back, kissed the satanic queen, traveled at the speed of light, and saw things never seen." "Mike is total just the epitome of zen." "Okay Mike is just at one with the group." "He's at one with the project." "He's at one with himself, okay." "Our spiritual leader." "Indeed." "Absolutely, absolutely." "Diane is one of the hardest workers here." "I'm teaching her to lighten up about things so that's cool, we're learning from each other." "[JJ] So you feel you have things about women you can even teach her." "Of course." "[JJ] That's great." "Most women can learn things from drag queens, are you kidding?" "Please." "JJ." "Well let's see." "If this were a boy band, JJwould be the older brother type." "No I'm just kidding." "Ha ha ha I'm just kidding." "Dude is, let's see, how should I put this." "Ambitious first of all." "Dude is very ambitious, which is good." "I think he's childlike Ina way that he doesn't let obstacles get in his way." "You know like when you're a child you think the world is our oyster and you don't know better that you can't do certain things and you just do them anyways or try to do them 'cause you don't know any better." "You think there's nothing impossible." "[JJ] And what about you Robert?" "I feel like I don't wanna look back on my life ever and regret anything." "Like, god I wish I would've done that." "Or damn, you know, too bad I didn't do that," "I totally could have." "You know things like that, that ruins your life." "(upbeat rock music)" "[Diane] Woah." "Check this place out." "How do you think he pulled this one off." "20 bucks says he signs for the rooms in blood." "Hey why don't you guys go to the bar." "I'll check us in and catchup with you in a minute." "Hey, hey, sure thing boss man." "Not you." "[Mike] What did I do?" "Nothin'." "Count this." "(cell phone ringing)" "[Dude] Hello." "Dude, where's my footage?" "Andy, hey man I'm sending it over right now man." "You're really gonna dig this stuff." "Hey do you think it's possible if you could wire me an advance man, I've got a lot of expenses you know?" "That's not how it works." "How does it work?" "There's a whole network approval process." "There's a network approval process." "You're gonna be running this place in a month." "[Dude] You're gonna love it." "Great." "She rescues a mother and daughter, she's chased by a mob of teenagers, and she cheers up a bunch of sick kids man." "Woah." "I dunno how you're gonna top that." "But if you do, Steckman could get the network to fund the entire film." "Are you serious?" "All of Sudden Doom?" "Oh yeah." "His daughter's a huge Britney fan." "[Dude] Wow." "Well wait 'till he sees tomorrow's stuff man." "Really?" "What do you have planned?" "Hey I don't know yet." "But it's gonna be big." "Hey Mike, how many rooms can we afford?" "I dunno Dude, five." "One room please." "Wow." "Free hors d'oeuvres." "Comes across as just disarmingly charming." "Yeah I know." "I hate you." "Do you want my water?" "No thanks." "Hey baby." "Oh." "Oh my god." "Give it your best shot romeo." "Hey who's your friend over there huh?" "(sighing)" "What's the matter?" "I'm a film maker man." "Really?" "Oh what films baby?" "Blood Head." "Never heard of that one." "Well it was an independent film." "Hi." "[Robert] Hi." "Hi." "[Drunk Man] Hi." "[Robert] Hi." "Oh it's an echo." "You know when I woke up this morning," "I didn't know they made girls as beautiful as you." "They don't." "(giggling)" "Have you done anything I've heard of?" "Anything big?" "Well you know who directed Tootsie?" "You?" "Good guess." "You know if I didn't know any better I'd say you were." "Ah." "Britney Spears." "No." "[Drunk Man] Yep." "Well then you don't know any better." "Listen I gotta take a leak." "[Drunk Man] Oh you do?" "Can I help?" "Be right here, I'll wait." "[Voiceover] You alright?" "John?" "I think I'm in love." "(singing in foreign language)" "So, what do you do?" "Renee is a singer baby." "Cool." "Where do you perform?" "I'm singing at the stadium tomorrow." "A concert?" "Hockey game." "Renee is singing the National Anthem baby." "The National Anthem?" "Wow that's big." "Damn right it's big." "Well I've got to go powder my nose." "Miss me." "Oh my god." "What?" "I thought you were Britney Spears, but I couldn't tell 'cause the light was so bad out there." "Yeah well now you know the truth." "Disappointed?" "[Renee] No I'm thrilled." "I'm honored." "What are you talking about?" "My friends are never gonna believe this." "[Robert] Believe what?" "That you're one of us." "That Britney Spears is a tranny." "(grunts)" "You know, I think I'm gonna go take a leak too." "When she comes back would you tell her that I'm in love with her?" "I'll let her know John, I'll let her know." "(loud fart)" "(loud thud)" "(singing in foreign language)" "[Robert] Okay you try singing it." "(singing together in foreign language)" "There you are." "Listen you have to get back to the room." "You've gotta get some sleep." "Why?" "Tomorrow you are gonna sing the National Anthem at the hockey game." "I am?" "Woah." "Oh hey Renee." "Listen, I've gotta ask you something." "The answer is always yes." "(upbeat rock music)" "Hey how's it goin'?" "Good, good." "Thanks a lot for being here." "I'm glad you joined us." "Britney." "Thank you for coming." "No not a problem." "Thank you for having me." "A duet?" "But last night you said you'd let Britney sing." "Last night I was drunk honey." "This morning I realized that this is the chance of a lifetime, and I ain't passing it up." "That wasn't what we talked about." "Look I know you got me?" "I know all about Britney's little secret." "And I'll tell." "So you, you make this happen baby." "Okay, okay, let me go talk with her." "Women." "Damn right honey." "Excited man." "[Robert] Totally." "Well I've got another surprise for you." "You are gonna be singing a duet today." "A duet?" "With who?" "Well a local girl." "She's very excited." "What's going on?" "To be singing with you." "That's fine, she can have the high notes." "[Diane] Who's the girl?" "Hey she's a professional singer." "Okay folks, it's about time." "Cool, sweet." "[Voiceover] Ladies and Gentlemen, here to sing the National Anthem." "[Robert] You?" "[Voiceover] Are Renee Le Beat." "[Renee] Don't worry Britney." "[Voiceover] And Britney Spears." "(crowd cheering and applauding)" "That's your date from last night." "Yep." "♫ Oh say can you see" "♫ By the dawn's early light" "♫ What so proudly we hailed" "♫ At the twilight's last gleaming" "♫ Whose broad stripes and bright stars" "♫ Through the perilous fight" "♫ O'er the ramparts we watched" "♫ Were so gallantly streaming" "♫ And the rockets red glare" "♫ The bombs bursting in air" "♫ Gave proof through the night" "♫ That our flag was still there" "♫ Oh say does that start spangled banner yet wave" "♫ O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave ♫" "(crowd cheering and applauding)" "See that wasn't so bad." "Piece of cake." "Thanks for helping me out though, I owe you one." "Then why don't I collect now." "Oh my god." "(crowd gasping and chattering)" "Okay so you know, neither one of them are women right?" "What?" "[Diane] Yeah the redhead is a transvestite." "[Dude] What?" "Let me get this right we got two gay men dressed as women, who just came out as lesbians?" "Cool." "That's weird man." "(laughing)" "(upbeat music)" "Hey he was just trying to be." "I mean she." "He." "Dude after that shit back there" "I'm even confused about my own sexuality." "Hey when do I get to meet Britney?" "Oh, right that." "Well soon." "(upbeat funky music)" "In an exclusive interview we follow Britney through a normal day." "While at a mall giving her best friend a makeover," "Britney is mobbed by her adoring fans." "Hey Dude, what are you doing?" "Ah just tracking some voiceover man." "Saving you a little time." "[JJ] Thanks." "You won't forget the footage of Robert talking about himself eh?" "Don't worry about it J." "It'll all be there in the end." "Cool." "[Dude] I knew that stuff was too good for local news." "I was wondering how much Entertainment Today would pay for this shit." "Megabucks man." "Sweet, sweet, sweet." "I am not Britney Spears." "I'm Robert Stephens." "And I'm coming to you from Kentwood Louisiana, which is the birthplace of Miss Britney Spears." "This is so exciting it's like visiting Jerusalem or mecca or Shaolin, or something like that." "It's really hot." "I think what we're gonna do is we're gonna go pop back into the winnie and get maybe a little bit of sleep and then around sunrise we'll go looking for Britney's plantation and see if we can," "you know, maybe like catch a glimpse." "(upbeat pop music)" "♫ You are the one ♫ You get me high" "♫ You are the one who makes my heart fly" "♫ Let me be the one ♫" "Diane, Diane this is it." "Come on get the camera." "[Diane] Okay, okay, okay, okay." "Picture, picture." "Come on, come on." "[Diane] Is everybody ready?" "[Robert] Yeah, yeah, yeah." "[Diane] Alright, alright get up." "[Robert] Yeah, yeah." "[Diane] Okay." "[Robert] Oh my god that's it," "Dude that's Britney's plantation." "[Dude] Yeah I know I can hardly believe it myself man." "[Robert] So when do I get to meet her?" "Come on back inside the RV man." "You gotta get your rest." "[Robert] Okay, okay." "Alright what's the real plan." "Robert is gonna give his interview and everything is gonna go perfectly and we're all gonna get paid a lot of money." "[JJ] What about the real Britney Spears?" "Hey man she already makes a lot of money." "[JJ] Yeah well you promised Robert he'd get to meet her." "Details, details." "Here find an all you can eat place." "Put as much food as possible in your purse." "It's all the rest of us are gonna get to eat until this whole thing is over." "I don't have a purse." "[Mike] Well don't look at me, I'm the bodyguard." "Oh Robert has a purse you can use." "Look don't bother because I'm not stealing food." "Dammit do I have to do everything myself man?" "Alright get the RV out of here man, and wait for me at the corner." "Penny." "Jimmy." "[Jimmy] Penny." "Jimmy." "Listen somethings going down." "I wanna know who's responsible." "Do you realize that her latest album is totally sold out in every store in Salt Lake City." "It's unbelievable." "No it's totally believable." "Watch this." "[Dude] During our exclusive interview, we followed Britney through a normal day." "Marie Osmond used to have her own TV show a long time ago." "[Jimmy] That's not Britney is it?" "No sir, no it's not." "But I can assure you." "Penny if this is your idea, you're a genius." "Well then it's my idea." "[Dude] Three days on the road with megastar" "Britney Spears are three days of pure magic." "Your special TV Three Crew has had the exclusive pleasure of accompanying this sexy teen idol from the freezing winds of Wisconsin to the warm breezes of New Orleans." "Along the way we saw how Americans everywhere fell in love with her." "Truckers danced to her music." "The children brighten up when she's in the room." "And teenage girls all along the Mississippi River still dream of being Britney." "From special reporter Dude Schmitz back to the studio in Milwaukee." "You lied to me." "[JJ] No Robert I didn't do this." "But you're the editor." "[JJ] No you gotta believe me." "There is no finale where I tell everyone that it's me." "Oh my god, you, no one gives a crap about me." "I'm just a freak to you guys too." "(screaming)" "Don't touch me." "That's not true." "Say something." "Robert wait!" "Robert, dude I've got dinner man." "Don't you mean Britney." "[Dude] Okay Britney." "(grunting)" "Suck my dick." "Now there's something you don't hear Britney Spears say everyday." "(dramatic music)" "Um would you like to hear a joke?" "Not now Mike, it's not a good time." "This sucks big time." "What's up with Robert?" "[JJ] He saw the cut of the film, your cut." "Oh man, so you mean?" "He's done." "I don't think he's coming back either." "Look I'm gonna go and try to find him, but if I can't, no interview means no money man." "For any of us." "Man when Robert ran off, I was sweatin' bullets." "Everything collapsed." "The walls closed in man." "There went Sudden Doom right before my eyes." "(bat ringing)" "What?" "(cell phone ringing)" "Andy." "Yeah of course she's here right now." "Hey what do you think of, of, of, virtual Britney?" "Yeah I wanna get paid." "Man." "Hey." "I think you're swinging a bit late man." "I heard you saw the rough cut." "Don't bullshit me, that wasn't a rough cut." "I know what you're doing and I'm not gonna be part of it anymore." "Okay I really don't know Britney Spears." "And I wasn't ever gonna say who you really were on the air." "Was I exploiting you man?" "Yeah." "But you were using me too." "I mean, we were both showcasing your talent right?" "[Robert] How do you sleep at night?" "(death metal transitioning to pop music)" "[Voiceover] Son of a whore, all they play is this crap." "Oh my god." "That is Britney Spears." "Are you kidding me?" "Look." "That is Britney Spears right there." "Hey don't be selfish Robert." "I mean it's not just about you and me." "It's about your new friends, JJ, Mike, and Diane." "If the interview doesn't airman, they don't get paid." "So you need me then don't ya?" "Okay well I've been your little marionette for the past three days, now it's time for you to dance for me." "I don't think I like where this is going man." "Ha, okay I'll do your little interview." "You will?" "That's sweet man." "(thudding)" "Ow." "Okay here's what you gotta do." "Now here's what you're going to do." "You're going to pay everyone." "But you don't understand," "I can't pay them until the network pays me." "I'm sure you'll find a way somehow." "Now, go!" "Or there'll be no interview." "Well look who's in charge now." "[Goth Guy] What should we do?" "[Driver] We should get her." "(thud)" "(groaning)" "(heavy metal)" "Damn there goes the budget of Sudden Doom." "Was that Robert in the back of that car?" "Jesus he's been kidnapped." "Oh my god well why would anyone wanna kidnap Robert?" "Oh yeah that's right, that Britney Spears thing." "Well that's cool." "Let's go." "Let's go, let's go." "[Diane] Can you guys see them anywhere?" "There they are man." "Go Diane." "Hey watch out, move it loser." "Hello." "Andy." "No, listen Dude." "You're gonna do a live satellite link up from Britney's." "New Orleans concert." "Live, I don't think that's such a good idea man." "(loud heavy metal)" "[Robert] Oh my god, what fresh hell is this?" "Well it's not exactly the limo to your show is it?" "Well what if I can't." "My executive assistant has already booked the satellite time, so we're going worldwide from New Orleans tonight." "World wide?" "[Diane] Totally lost them." "(tires screeching)" "See what we got here." "I think that RV is following us." "[Goth Guy] Come on man, you're being paranoid." "[Robert] What do you guys want?" "[Driver] What we want is to save the country from your sucky ass music Goldilocks." "[Robert] I bet you've never even listened to it." "[Driver] What?" "No." "[Andy] I mean you already got three days, how hard is it to get a few more minutes right?" "I dunno man, maybe harder than you think." "Cut the crap Dude." "My ass and your paycheck are on the line here okay?" "You don't get this interview and nobody gets paid." "You screw this up and this network will sure as shit sue the both of us for everything we got." "So, I uh, can count on you huh?" "Yeah of course man." "[Andy] Okay dokay then." "Hey get me a good one huh?" "[JJ] Well these streets are really narrow." "[Diane] We totally lost him." "Robert's probably dead by now." "[Robert] My loneliness is killing me." "Didn't you ever feel like that?" "[Goth Guy] Well yeah, I guess." "[Robert] Or hit me baby, one more time." "[Goth Guy] Hit me?" "Oh I like that." "[Robert] Hit me." "[Goth Guy] Hit me baby, hit me, woohoo, yeah!" "[Robert] Loneliness, loneliness." "[Goth Guy] That's dark." "[Robert] Dark, darkness." "♫ My loneliness is killin' me ♫" "Man we gotta find them, we gotta go live worldwide this evening." "That's all your concerned with is your freakin' interview." "[JJ] Is that them up there." "[Diane] Oh shit they're getting on that ferry." "(boat horn)" "♫ My loneliness is killin' me ♫" "[Robert] See." "♫ Hit me, hit me, hit me" "♫ Hit me baby ♫" "Robert, great, let's do the interview man." "[Driver] Robert?" "Robert are you okay?" "Yeah, I'm fine." "[Diane] Kick the shit out of these guys." "No, hey, it's okay, it's okay." "It's a total misunderstanding okay." "And I haven't forgotten about the interview, okay." "Pay them the money or no interview." "See you later tonight guys okay?" "Bye Britney." "You're the best." "We love you Britney." "Yes we'll see you later." "This is Andy Robbins with TV Three in Milwaukee ready to receive an up link in 20 seconds." "Are you ready?" "Hey Dude I hope you're ready over there, 'cause everything's a go right now." "This thing's gonna be huge." "We're talking global." "This is gonna be great for the both of us." "This network is finally gonna notice me." "You know, and you." "Almost ready Andy." "Just a few last minute technical checkups." "Shit." "Okay so I had to pay." "Anyway, that's what I always had intended to do right?" "As long as I could pull off this interview." "There you are." "Happy?" "You've had this much cash on you the entire time?" "Hey it was gonna be a bonus." "Yeah right, it better be." "And another thing." "You owe Robert $80." "[Robert] What?" "Hey I'll tell you about it later, don't worry about it." "[JJ] Okay Dude right here." "We're standing by to go live." "Hey could you guys move back man, come on." "Good evening, my name is Dude Schmitz, and tonight I'll be bringing you a worldwide exclusive." "First I'd like to talk a bit about what it's like to be Britney Spears." "Well I can honestly say that being Britney Spears is an exhilarating experience." "What do you find to be the hardest part?" "I guess that would have to be the underwear." "What?" "The underwear." "Men really have no idea just how uncomfortable wearing a thong truly is." "He's wearing a thong?" "Oh." "Right, um, well let's talk a little bit about your upbringing in Kentwood Louisiana." "Well as you can tell by my music," "I was heavily influenced by my Creole upbringing." "Um." "Well, alright, um well I think it's time we looked at this video package that I've prepared." "You know what Dude, before you do that, there's something I want to say." "You see I'm not Britney Spears." "Yes you are." "Yes she is." "(laughing)" "My name is Robert Stephens." "[Diane] Way to go Robert." "Hi Mom and Dad." "Anyways, this whole thing has been a huge mistake." "Okay?" "I was supposed to meet the real Britney Spears backstage at one of her concerts." "That's when I met Dude over here, and he convinced me." "Don't mess with Britney." "Don't mess with Britney man." "[Robert] Thanks boys." "He convinced me to pretend to be Britney." "JJ, how come the monitor is black?" "What?" "We're off the air." "Let's see for how long." "You know what Dude, before we do that" "I have something I want to say." "Oh, so nobody heard." "You dickhead, it's ruined." "You know, being Britney these past few days," "I've learned just how hard she has it." "I mean the obligations, the pressures, the guys constantly hitting on you." "Okay so maybe that part wasn't so bad." "Anyways, Britney if you're listening to this," "I have one more thing to say, I love you Britney." "(speaking in foreign language)" "(police sirens)" "How was it?" "[JJ] How did it feel?" "[Robert] It felt totally fantastic." "[JJ] Yeah you were really great." "I feel like I came out all over again." "(laughing)" "God bless America." "I guess this shoot is over." "You'd still do her though, huh?" "Yeah." "(dramatic music)" "Stephens?" "Yeah?" "You're under arrest." "[Robert] What?" "Wait you can't arrest him." "Oh I can't, watch me." "Turn around." "Wait, you haven't said what you're arresting him for." "Libel, fraud, slander." "[Robert] Dude?" "It was your idea to take your wig off." "[Diane] Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute." "You want him, not Robert." "That's the Britney Spears impersonator?" "No that's Dude Schmitz, but it was all his plan." "It's not Robert." "Alright, alright, alright." "You two in the car." "We'll figure this out at the station." "Come on." "[Dude] That was it, game over." "Well like they say man, shit happens." "[Goth Guy] We'll always love you Britney!" "Bye!" "(tires screeching)" "[Robert] I'm sorry Dude." "No I'm sorry man." "I'm the one who got you into this." "Here, I owe you man." "You don't have to pay me." "I had a good time." "Hey just paying back a loan man." "It was pretty wild, wasn't it?" "Yeah, it was wild." "Now I'm going to jail." "Well they'll like you there." "Hey Dude." "Where's Robert Stephens?" "Officer let this man go." "Afraid I can't do that sir." "There's been a complaint filed by one Penny McAllister." "Penny?" "Yes Mr. Willis." "[Jimmy] Make this go away." "Oh I can't even look at her she makes me so pissed off." "Yeah, um Officer, we're not gonna be pressing charges." "Damn." "(uplifting music)" "I'm Jimmy Willis." "[Robert] Listen, I'm Britney's biggest fan." "(cell phone ringing)" "It was such a misunderstanding." "I didn't mean any harm." "Andy." "Dude." "I can explain everything man." "I've been on a ton of Nyquil." "What's to explain you son of a bitch?" "That was brilliant." "The only thing is it cut off a couple of minutes into the interview." "Cut off?" "What was the last thing you saw?" "I don't know, something about her underwear." "Well anyway it was great." "Hey am I gonna get paid now?" "Paid, what are you kidding?" "Steckman's out of his head happy here." "He said he's gonna finance all of Sudden Doom out of his own picket." "Sweet." "Uh, the only thing is, you need to get a name attached." "A what?" "A name, a star yanno?" "And, also Steckman's daughter is hugely into" "Christina Aguilera." "Do you think you could get a three day exclusive with her?" "Hey Andy, Andy, you're breakin' up man." "You're breakin' up." "Dude." "Oh sweet." "You're quite talented young man." "[Robert] Thanks." "I wanna make this up to you." "I can arrange for you to meet Britney any time." "Tonight okay for you?" "Uh, yeah." "Are you kidding?" "Oh my gosh, that's what I want." "Penny get over here." "Take Robert up to dressing room number one." "Oh my gosh, yes, thank you so much." "And you Miss, why don't you go along with the camera." "Miss?" "[Dude] Hey Robert," "I told you we'd take you to see Britney." "[Mike] Hey Dude don't forget she's a guy." "(giggling)" "[Diane] Yay Robert." "So you're the man behind all this." "The man behind the woman." "Or the man dressed as a woman." "Hey man I'm sorry, I didn't mean to slam Britney." "Sorry?" "Ticket and album sales are up." "Public interest in Britney Spears has never been higher." "Simply put, you're a genius." "I'd love to have you on my team." "Well actually I'm a film maker." "Really?" "What type of stuff do you do?" "Well, I've got this project." "Sudden Doom." "It'd be perfect for a star like Britney Spears." "[Jimmy] Britney's looking for another film." "Keep talking." "Well we open in a graveyard, some time in the future, and far away." "(moving music)" "♫ Could it be" "♫ Possibly" "♫ Could it be ♫ Possibly" "♫ Maybe that's my hearts desire in front of me" "♫ 'Cause I've come so far" "♫ So far ♫" "(upbeat rock music)" "♫ It's cold cold body's lie" "♫ It's all 'cause it's not yours" "♫ My life is not worth saving" "♫ But I'm not down here waving" "♫ I'm afraid to be ignored" "♫ I need it more and more" "♫ 'Cause the cost of my still livin'" "♫ Is not just quite forgivin'" "♫ I'll tell you anything" "♫ If you think it will help" "♫ I will tell you everything" "♫ That I can't tell myself" "♫ I will tell you anything" "♫ If you think it will help" "♫ I will tell you everything" "♫ That I can't tell myself" "♫ Now that I'm the one who loves you" "♫ So much more than words you thread" "♫ But if I'm the one who loves you" "♫ But I'm not drowning waving" "♫ Now that I'm the one who loves you" "♫ Your name will be possession" "♫ 'Cause the voice of all this lovin'" "♫ Is a needed rash decision" "♫ I'll tell you anything" "♫ If you think it will help" "♫ I will tell you everything" "♫ That I can't tell myself" "♫ I'll tell you anything" "♫ If you think it will help" "♫ I will tell you everything" "♫ That I can't tell myself" "♫ A kiss is not a promise" "♫ It's just a thing that is" "♫ But if this kiss is not a promise" "♫ Let it simply be a wish" "♫ Can I stop time for a second" "♫ Remember eyes of blue" "♫ I don't mean to disappoint" "♫ It's just something that I do" "♫ Well I'll tell you anything" "♫ If you think it will help" "♫ I will tell you everything" "♫ That I can't tell myself" "♫ I will tell you anything" "♫ If you think it will help" "♫ I will tell you everything" "♫ That I can't tell myself ♫"