"The brother will give him some advice." "This is gonna be a doubleheader." "We've got the Big Deal worth 10,000-plus behind door number one...  or door number two or door number three." " What door do you want?" " Take door number three." " The car's in door number three." " What are you talking about?" "Door number two is the winner." "Door number three is a zonk!" "Take two!" "Take two!" "Two!" "See?" "She picked number two." "Yeah." "Now watch what she gets." "See there?" "She ended up with a cow with a straw hat on." "I can't figure it out." "I can figure it out, Herman." "The lady's just stupid." "Wait a minute, Fred." "Why do you say that?" "How many smart people do you know be dressed like a pizza?" "And another thing that makes her stupid is she listened to you." "You're not so smart either." "What about yesterday on Jeopardy...  when you told that woman that Sherlock Holmes is a famous housing development?" "That was just an honest mistake." "But there was no excuse for you picking the wrong door." "And besides, if you're so smart, how come you're just a junkman like me?" "If God wanted me to be a junkman, I am smart enough not to ask why." "You know the trouble with you, Sanford?" "You have a narrow mind." "And you know the trouble with you, Goldstein?" "You got a big mouth." "I don't have to stand here and listen to those insults." "If I want to be insulted, I'll call my mother-in-law." " I'm going." " Who needs you?" "Who needs you?" "And bock bagel!" "This is off-limits to you." "And don't never come back here no more." "I wish he would come back here again." "I'll knock him out." "What are you doing?" "The whole neighborhood's gonna hear you." " I don't care who hears me." " Would you get in the house?" "I'll knock him cold." "What's wrong anyway?" "I thought you and Goldstein were friends." "I don't wanna talk about it." "What are you doing here so early?" "I couldn't wait to get home to show you this." " You know what this is?" " Let me see that." "Yeah." "It's an old rusty gun." "That's an original Revolutionary War rifle." "I picked it up at an auction for 50 bucks." "You paid 50 bucks for this?" "This is an original Revolutionary War rifle." "It's called a Brown Bess." "And they sold it to a brown dummy." "I thought you'd say something like that." "Look, when I left the auction, I went to two or three gun shops." "Each told me that if I was to clean it up and polish it real good..." "I could get as much as $800 for it." "It's an antique." "You see how rusty it is?" "Look at it." "That don't mean nothing." "Know how they make these things look old?" "They take 'em and beat 'em with a chain." "Then they bury 'em in the ground so the worms can gnaw at 'em." "Then they dig 'em up and leave 'em in the rain for three or four days." "Then they take it to an auction." "And the man says..." ""Sold to the dummy with the black mustache. "" "You don't believe me?" "All right, hold this." "Hold that." "See these three business cards?" "They're all from gun stores." "Each one of these guys told me I could get $750 for that rifle." " Let me get a good look at this rifle." " Why don't you quit pretending?" "You don't know nothing about antiques, and you know even less about guns." " Who don't know about guns?" " You don't." "Are you kiddin'?" "World War I. Fred B. Sanford." "B. Sanford?" "What's the B for?" "Bull's-eye." "Machine gunner, World War I." "Rifleman, pistol expert." "How about that?" "That's not the way I heard it." "It was World War II." "And it was Fred B. Sanford, all right, and the B wasn't for bull's-eye." "It was Fort Dix, New Jersey." "Potato peeler, latrine orderly and KP." "How 'bout that?" "How 'bout one across your lip?" "Pop." "You might know something about modern guns..." " but not about a 200-year-old gun." " Who don't?" "You don't." "Next you'll be telling me you was in the Revolutionary War." "I wasn't, but one of my ancestors was." "Buford Sanford." " Buford?" " That's right." "Buford Sanford." "He was a slave." "When the Revolutionary War started... they let him off so he could go ahead and fight." "He was so good that when the war was over... they was nice enough to let him go back to being a slave again." "Then how come I've never heard about him?" "I was saving it for the right moment." " They tell other stories about Buford." " Like what?" "You remember that picture where's three guys marching... and one of'em is blowing the flute and the other one is carrying the flag?" ""The Spirit of'76"?" "That's it." "Guess who was playing the drums." " Buford?" " Buford." "I've seen that picture a thousand times, and all three of them dudes is white." "So what?" "How many times you seen pictures ofJesus and he's white?" "What about 'em?" "That's wrong too." "Because you can't hang around Jerusalem 30-some-years... don't wear no hat and stay white." "Nobody in our family had anything to do with the Revolutionary War." "Are you kidding?" "My grandfather told me stories about the Revolutionary War." "How the soldiers fought then." "Give me that rifle, let me show you." "Buford was one of the best shots in all the whole service." "See, the British fought like this." "They lined up in a long line, all side-by-side." "It was march, march." "They'd fall down to one knee and fire." "Like that." "Step, step, fire." " Terrific." " Buford was the best shot in his outfit." "You know that command they used to give, "Don't fire till you see the whites"?" "It was, "Don't fire until you see the whites of their eyes. "" "Buford never waited that long." "See, he'd be hiding in the bushes, and soon as they got nice and close... he would just pick 'em off..." "Pow!" "Then he's ease farther in the bushes." "He sees more of'em coming and he..." "Pow!" "Just like that." "Then he'd wait for some more of them to come." "Didn't make him no difference." "He'd see 'em coming..." "Pop, are you all right?" "Why didn't you tell me that damn gun was loaded?" "I think I broke my shoulder or something." "The only thing you broke was that window over there." "You can replace the broken windowpane... but you can't replace a broken shoulder." "I wonder where that bullet went." "Don't worry about that old bullet." " They hit something and fall apart." " It had to land someplace." "I'll take a look at these binoculars..." "Wait a minute." "Where'd these binoculars come from?" "Those binoculars?" "I use those for business purposes." "What do you mean, business purposes?" " You know Sherman, the junk dealer?" " Yeah." "I use them to check out his inventory, see what the competition is doing." "No, you don't." "You've been using these to look at his wife." "You train these binoculars on their bedroom, and you check out his wife." "I swear, honest, Lamont." "Honest." "I haven't looked at his wife." "Not once." "Not once since she been putting on weight." "Uh-oh, what?" "There's a broken window across the street." "That's Goldstein's window." "Let me see that." "You see?" "See that broken glass?" " Wow, is she fat!" " Would you look at Goldstein's window?" "Uh-oh is right." "The bullet from that rifle went right through Goldstein's window." "Some kid could've threw a brick through that window." "Or maybe it was a meteor." "That's what it was." "A meteor came down from Venus or someplace... and crashed through Goldstein's window and landed in his kitchen." "No, I think you shot a hole through Goldstein's window." "Hey, wait a minute." "What if Goldstein was in there and you..." "Don't say that." "Don't even think it." "In the first place, if the bullet did go through his window... it didn't have enough power in it to kill a man." "And the second place, we don't even know if Goldstein was in the room." "And in the third place, it's about time for both of us to get out of town." "Wait a minute, Pop." "I'm worried." "Goldstein never leaves that house." "The only time he ever leaves that room is to come over here and look at TV." "Maybe the bullet didn't hit him." "If that bullet didn't hit him, he'd be in the street screaming bloody murder." "Murder?" "Don't say that." "You had to have an argument with him!" "What'd you have an argument for?" "The neighbors probably heard you." "They'll say that you gunned him down." "Stop it." "If he did get shot, you know it was an accident." "You believe that." "Yeah, I believe it and you believe it, but will a jury believe it?" "Ajury?" "What are you talking about?" "I'm talking about a shooting and you did it!" "Pop, you shot a man!" "Oh, this is the big one." "You hear that, Elizabeth?" "I'm comin' to join you, honey." "Guilty!" "Guilty!" "What am I gonna do?" "I don't wanna spend the rest of my life in jail." "All my years of hard work." "They'll take me away, and I'll lose all this." "Don't worry." "If anything happens to you, I'll take care of this place." "How you gonna take care of the place from a jail cell?" "Jail cell?" "What are you talking about?" "I didn't shoot that rifle." "You did." " I didn't buy that rifle." "You did!" " I didn't pull the trigger." " I didn't load it." " Neither did I." "All three of us are in this together." "Me and you and the soldier who loaded that rifle 200 years ago." "Wait." "We're not absolutely positive that Goldstein is dead." "How we gonna find out?" "Keep watching the sky till we see buzzards circling?" "No." "All we gotta do... is just sit over here and keep watching Goldstein's light." "What good is it gonna do to sit over here and watch Goldstein's light?" "If his light goes off at 8:30, like it always does... that means he turned it off, and he's alive." "And if it don't go off, that means that he's dead." " Lf he's dead, you know what that means?" " Yeah." "We're dead." "Hey, Pop, wake up!" "Goldstein's light." "It's still on." "I looked through the binoculars, and it's still on." "You know what that means." "It means he didn't turn it off." "He didn't turn it off because he couldn't turn it off." "I hate to say it, but Goldstein is dead." "What else could it be?" "If Goldstein is dead, then I'll soon be dead too." "And the sad part, no one will ever know the truth:" "The murder was your fault." "My fault?" "How do you figure it was my fault?" "Until you brought that rifle here... the most dangerous thing I had was a baseball bat." "You ever hear of anybody getting shot with a baseball bat?" "Are you gonna start that again?" "Who told you to shoot the gun?" " I ain't gonna take no murder rap alone." " Well, it's not really murder." "You didn't know what you were doing." "That's it." "Plead temporary insanity." "How 'bout if I plead I got a son with permanent insanity?" "We're not absolutely positive that Goldstein is dead." "Maybe you're lucky." "Maybe he was just very seriously wounded." "Yeah, a flesh wound, like in one of them cowboy movies." "They never get more than a flesh wound." " How we gonna find out?" " You could call him." "And if he's got a flesh wound, he'll stagger to the phone and answer it." "Good idea, Pop!" "Why didn't I think of that from the start?" "You ain't got what I got up here." " We'll just call him up." " What you gonna say when he answers?" "Just one word... mazel-tov!" " How many rings?" " It just started." " Now how many?" " That's two." " How many..." " Shh!" "The telephone company say, always let the phone ring at least ten times." "Sometimes people will be sleeping." "Sometimes they be in the shower, and..." "Sometimes they be dead." "He didn't answer." "He's dead." "Here's part two of the big one." "Goldstein and I be going to that old junkyard in the sky." "Me to Saint Peter and him to wherever he goes." "Wait a minute." "There's one other possibility." "Goldstein could be alive, but unconscious." "That would explain why he didn't answer the phone, 'cause he was unconscious." "There's only one way to find out." "One of us has got to go over there and see." " Well, why don't you do that?" " Me?" "Why don't you go?" " I ain't going over there." " You're the one that shot him." "If I go over there and find him dead, the shock will kill me." "And if I find out he's alive, I'll be so happy..." "I'll be jumping up and down and have a heart attack, and that'll kill me." "So either way, if I go, I go." "Okay, I'll go." "I'm gonna go out the back way so nobody'll see me." "While I'm gone, I don't want you to open that door for nobody." "Sometimes the cops try to disguise themselves as normal people." "Yeah." "I can spot a cop a mile away." "They got them crew cuts and have them big sideburns." "They wear a Arrow shirt with little, thin neckties." "And they wear them brown wingtip shoes with the design on the toe." " And they chew gum real fast." " That's right, so watch yourself, Pop." "Why did this happen to me?" "Why am I being punished?" "Maybe I should've went to church more often." "It's the cops." "It's the cops." "I know it." "He's got on an Arrow shirt and a thin necktie." "Oh!" "What do you want?" "I'd like to talk to Lamont Sanford about a firearm he has." "No, he's gone." "He went to a U.J.A. Meeting." "United Junkmen of America." "My name's Ronald Hart of Hart's Gun Shop." "Is that a Arrow shirt?" "I don't know, but yesterday a Lamont Sanford stopped in my place... to get a Revolutionary War rifle appraised, and I found a buyer for him." "He sold the rifle." "If he ever gets another rifle like that one..." "I have a standing offer from a client of $1,000 for it." "A thousand dollars?" "For a rifle that don't shoot?" "They don't shoot, you know." "Of course they do." "They could kill a man today the way they did 200 years ago." "Then of course, the excuse would be that the idiot didn't know it was loaded." "Well, thanks a lot." "The guy was here from the gun shop." "I sure wish you'd have sold that gun yesterday." "We'd be $1,000 richer... and we wouldn't be wondering if we'd killed a man." " You can stop wondering." " What do you mean?" "I just knocked on Goldstein's door." "There wasn't any answer." "Another big one!" "Part three, and the end." "Please don't panic!" "The thing we gotta do is keep calm!" "Now, don't panic!" "I am calm." "I'm not panicking." " We gotta get rid of that rifle." " Yeah, that's what we gotta do." " Here." "Here we go." " What's the blowtorch for?" "We can take the wood off this rifle and then melt the rest of it down." " Good idea." " Let's go in the back." "Hurry up." " Who do you suppose that is?" " I don't know." "I'll answer the door and stall 'em." "You start melting it down." "Hurry." "Hey, Fred." "Just got a minute." "Hope you got some coffee." "I want you to meet my new partner, Officer Hopkins." " This is a friend, Fred Sanford." " Mr. Sanford." "What's the matter, brother?" "Aren't you feeling well?" "I don't feel too good." "I've been having a series of heart attacks." "Yeah, that's been going around." "What's the matter?" "You worried about something?" "It's just my heart." "It'll stop soon." "Say, what's that smell?" " What smell?" " I don't know." "You cooking something?" "No!" "Nobody's cooking anything." "See, Lamont is..." "He's barbecuing, and he don't like nobody watching him while he's cooking." "Yeah." "Hey, Lamont, Brother Smitty's out here with his new partner." " They wanna know what you cooking?" " What?" " They wanna know, is it done yet?" " Done?" "No, it's not." " It ain't done yet." " What's he cooking?" "Soul food." "Say, Fred, I don't know any soul food that smells like that." "This soul food comes from a special recipe." " Brother Smitty and his new partner." " How are you?" "They came by for coffee." " We don't have no coffee, do we?" " No, we're out of coffee." " I told Pop we had to get some coffee." " Sure did." " Tea too." " I'm sorry, men." "No coffee." "That's all right." "We'll stop by later when you have some coffee." "Let's go." " What happened to your window?" "Kids?" " Kids." "You'd think if a youngster broke your window, he'd be honest and confess." "You'd think so." "That soul food smells like hammer hocks and black-eyed rice." " That's ham hocks and black-eyed peas." " Oh, right." "Okay, let's..." "We'll see you later." "You hear?" "They don't fool me talking about hammer hocks and black-eyed rice." " They know." " I think so." "All that stuff about confessing..." "See, they know." "They just wanted us to know they knew." "You know?" "I know." "And because they're friends, they're giving me a chance to turn myself in." "I think you're right." "That's the only thing left for me to do, is turn myself in." " Yeah, it's the only thing left to do." " Well, I'll go turn myself in." " You take care of all this nice stuff." " Don't worry." "I will." "I spent a lot of years fixing this place up." "I'll just go turn myself in." "I sure will miss the old place, my truck." "Say, wait a minute!" "Do you see what I see?" "It's Goldstein!" "Hello, Fred." "Hello, Lamont." " It's you!" " Look at this." "I didn't think I would live to see the day to get such a welcome." "Come on in." "Did you hear him?" "Yeah." "He said he never think he'd live to see the day..." "Sit down." "Fred, I came over to apologize for yesterday." "I don't now why we had to fight." "Me either." "Last night I called you to apologize, and I couldn't get an answer." "And your light was on all night." "We were worried about you." "I was upset, so I went across town to visit with my son." "I left the lights on to keep the burglars away." "When I came home, you know what happened?" "My window was broken." "Look at my hat that I left hanging on the back of the chair." "A bullet hole!" "Know what I think?" "I think some crazy guy shot off a gun in the street." "If I had been sitting in that chair, I wouldn't be sitting in this chair." "What am I talking about?" "I wouldn't be sitting at all." "I would be laying in Mount Sinai." "That's where they go." " Don't even think about it." " No, don't think about it." "Who thinks about it?" "I'm glad to be alive." " And I'm happy we are still friends." " Me too." "I'm going back to have a little lunch now." " Why don't you have lunch with us?" " What are you having?" " Pig knuckles and red beans." " I'll come back after lunch." "Goldstein lives!" "There's only one word for it, son." "Mazel-tov!" "Say, what are you looking at?" "I'm watching Goldstein put his new window in." "You wanna take a look?" " Yeah, let me see that." " I'm gonna go get myself some coffee." "Oh, lady, are you fat." " Is Lamont Sanford home?" " Who are you?" "I'm Mr. Hart from the gun shop." "I was here yesterday." "Oh, yeah, yeah." "Come on in." "I'll call him." "Thank you." " Lamont!" " Yeah, what is it?" "The fellow was here yesterday..." "Hello, Mr. Hart." "If you ever get another rifle like that Brown Bess, I can still get $1,000." "Listen, what kind of condition does it have to be in?" "After all, we're talking about something that's 200 years old." "I wouldn't expect it to be in perfect condition." " Wait just a minute." " Where you going, Pop?" "Pop!" "What are you doing?" "How much can I get for it like this?" "Sanford and Son is recorded on tape before a live studio audience."