"Well, I'm screwed!" "If it helps, I just made popcorn." "Popcorn's not gonna..." "Well, maybe." "You know how Mommy put me in charge of planning Meghan's birthday party?" "Well, my entertainment just fell through." "My Spongebob got caught pulling' down his square pants." "Oh, no." "Oh, yeah." "And now all they have left is a Little Mermaid who had to be pushing 50, and let's just say her shells were hanging a little low." "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" "I'd always take the bet that I'm not." "What about the clown?" "For the party?" "Oh, I don't know." "Isn't he, you know, dying?" "Well, when's the party?" " Sunday." " Pfft." "You should be fine." " I don't know, Marn." " Oh, come on, it makes sense." "You need a clown." "He needs, you know, a reason to live." "It's kismet." "Go." "Go, go." "Okay." "Hey, uh, clown..." "Listen, I'm organizing a party for one of the kids I nanny, and I need a performer." "What does it pay?" "Nothing." "Okay." "But if you want balloon animals, I'm going to need... balloons." "Just to be safe, you may want to push the party up a day." " See ya later, man." " Peace out." "Whoa-oh" "I wanna go back..." "Who are we listening to?" "Oh, this?" "Oh, it's just a track from the hottest, most talented musician in the game today." "It's you, isn't it?" "Aw, man, you're gonna make me blush." "Pretty good, huh?" "I wrote it for my mom." "Your mom?" "That's nice." "I wanna get back in you, mama" "I wanna get inside of you" "I wanna get back in you, mama" "I wanna do you right" "So what do you think?" "Uh, well, Bowie," "I think it's great that you love your Mama." "But it sounds like you love your mama." "What?" "!" "Hell no, man!" "What's the matter with you?" "It's a song about personal redemption." "About going back to being innocent, like a baby." "How could your mind even go there?" "Oh, gee, I don't know." "That's right, mama" "You're my number one girl" "Remember how much you loved having me in you, mama..." "Okay." "It's real catchy, though." "What're you doin' here, anyway?" "I thought you had a date with Marni." "Uh, actually, she has to work tonight." "So I thought I'd swing by her work and bring her some of this tea she likes." "Oh, your first drop-by and with a beverage?" "Ease up, playa." "She's gonna fall hard." "Already fell, my friend." "Already fell." "Wai-wai..." "You're stopping by Marni's work?" "Doesn't she work in a hospital?" "I'm perfectly fine in hospitals." "I was with you when you tried to donate blood." "Remember that?" " No." " Exactly." "Look, not a problem." "No matter where she worked I'd get there because I'm just that into her." "Maybe not as much as you're into your mama." "Excuse me, I was... okay." "Hey." "Aaaaaaaahhhhh!" " May I help you?" " I think I'm after him." "He's being helped." "Now how may I help you?" " Oh, okay." "I have this tea..." " Aaaaaaahhhh!" " Are you sure he..." " He's fine." "Okay." "Anyway, I have this tea." "See if curtain two is available." "What?" "I was hoping I could get it to a friend who works here." "Why?" "I just thought it would be a nice thing to do." "I have that transfer from Memorial." "Okay, hold on." "What are you talking about?" "Why does she have to have the tea?" "She doesn't, I just thought it would be a nice thing to do." "You know, she can get tea here." "I know, but this is her favorite." "Aaaaaaahhhh!" "We are backing up." "I'm sorry, doctor." "I'm stuck dealing with this guy and his tea." "Tea?" "Is there something wrong with the tea?" "Did you ingest it?" "No." "It's just that it's my friend's favorite tea, and I'm trying to bring it to her." "You know, she can get tea here." "I thought it would be a nice thing to do!" "You know, yelling's not going to get you helped any faster." "Aaaaaaah!" "You neither." "So, who is this friend of yours who so desperately needs this tea?" "Marni." "Marni Fliss." "Ohhhh." "So you're the boyfriend we've heard so much about." "She called me that?" "Her boyfriend?" "Well, yeah, I guess I am her boyfriend, yeah." "Well, why didn't you just say that when you came in?" "Okay, follow the line past Urinalysis, left at Burn and Trauma." "If you hit Viral Infections, you've gone too far." "I'm gonna need you to do that with the..." "And they're off!" "Marni is quick out of the gate, but Mrs. Lubitsch is right behind!" "Oh, it looks like Marni's day today, race fans... but wait!" "Mrs. Lubitsch is making her move!" "And it's an unexpected surge from the Staten Island grandma with edema!" "Keep those tickets, folks, this is gonna be close!" "And the winner is..." "Marni by a nose!" "How come I never get to win?" "You gotta want it, Lubitsch." "I'm not about the freebie." "Now hit the showers." "Hi." "Hey!" "Wow, what are you doing here?" "Oh, I just thought I'd drop by." "Say hello." "I brought some of that tea you like." "The kind with the little balls?" "You think I'd bring tea all this way without little..." "Here." "I can't believe you're here." "In a hospital." "Voluntarily." "Oh, please." "This is not a big deal." "It burns!" "Oh, don't worry." "That's just the psych ward." "The burn victims are actually really mellow." "Oh." "I did not know that." "Sorry about canceling." "My boss is being such a jerk with the schedules." "Like today, he gave Kathy all the paraplegics and me all the quadriplegics." "I mean," "I love my quads, but they're twice as much work." "Oh, well, you know, office politics." "God, I feel like I haven't seen you in forever." "What's new?" "What's new?" "What's new?" "Well, I found out someone's been talking about me." "Seems everyone here knows all about your boyfriend?" "What?" "Your boyfriend, who you've been telling everyone about." "Ohh, right." "They must think you're Raoul." "I'm sorry, who's Raoul?" "My boyfriend." "Your what, now?" "You're gonna laugh." "I love to laugh." "Well, see, a few years ago this doctor who used to work here started, you know, hitting on me." "And I wasn't interested." "So I just decided it was less drama to make up a boyfriend." "You made up a boyfriend." "Yeah, Raoul." "He's a Venezuelan industrialist." "It was just a temporary thing, but then the more stories I made up about Raoul, the more my co-workers liked him and, as a result, me." "They used to think I was a little flighty." "So, we've been going out for months, and you haven't mentioned me at all?" "Well, I was going to at some point, but I hadn't laid the groundwork." "I haven't decided how I'm going to meet you yet." "I mean, the way we actually met is okay, but..." "It burns!" "It burns!" "Okay, that is one of my burn victims." "I have to go." "Thanks for the tea." "I promise we'll talk about this later." "So you're Raoul." "This party is going to kill me." "I went to 20 bakeries and finally found a nut-free, dairy-free, sugar-free, carb-free, fat-free vegan soy cake, but... apparently, it's not kosher." "So it's either back to the drawing board or find a rabbi to bless this thing by the Sabbath." "And now you're on oxygen." "Well, that's just great." "Here." "Mm." "That's nice." "It's open!" "Hey." "Marni here?" "She's in her room." "Are you gonna hold that thing all day, or are you gonna let papa have a taste?" "Aaaaah!" "Oh, my God, you scared me." "Sorry, sorry." "I want to talk about what happened at the hospital." "Oh, don't worry." "It's all straightened out." "I told everybody about the terrific new guy in my life, Nate." "Oh, yeah?" "Uh-huh." "I told them you were handsome, smart, fantastic in the sack." "Well, at least you don't have to make up stuff about this boyfriend." "So, how did they take it?" "You know, that you made up Raoul?" "Oh." "Yeah." "I didn't tell them that." "What?" "Well, what do you expect me to do, Nate?" "Admit I've created a complex web of lies over the past two years?" "These are the people I do Secret Santa with." "Their opinion of me matters." "Then what did you tell them?" "I told them I was dating you... and Raoul." "You're dating both?" "!" "They wouldn't believe me if I dumped Raoul out of nowhere." "We just got back from Hawaii!" "So I said I was very conflicted, and I would have to choose one of you eventually." "There's a choice?" "!" "Well, I'm sorry, but you didn't make the best impression today." "Apparently, you were yelling at everybody about the tea or something." "I thought it would be a nice thing to do!" "Well, what do you want from me, Nate?" "I'm in kind of a bind here." "I want you to break up with him!" "Fine!" "Then that's what I'll do!" "I'll just tell them I left Raoul, and his jet, and his coffee plantation overlooking Caracas, for you!" "They would never believe that." "He's perfect!" "They'd think I was insane!" "How could they possibly think that?" "Keep it up!" "You're just handing this thing to Raoul!" "Fine!" "Fine!" "You know what, go with Raoul!" "But don't expect me to be here when he's done with you!" "What am I saying?" "!" "So, mama..." "You didn't happen to play that CD I sent you, did ya?" "Ohhh, you did?" "Played it for the reverend, too, did ya?" "Uh-huh, yes, um..um..." "Yeah, I'm sure he does want to speak to me after church this weekend." "Look, I gotta go." "I love you too, mama." "Did you ask what she was wearing?" "Why are you all up under me?" "Didn't we get you a girlfriend to keep you up outta my face?" "Yeah, well, we're not exactly speaking right now." "Not until she ends it with Raoul." "She's cheating on you?" "Damn." "I know somebody who can take care of this guy if you're interested." "Okay, it's me." "No, there's no one to take care of." "He's not real." " Who's not real?" " Raoul." "He's pretend, she made him up, there's no such person." "Oh, man, what the hell?" "Then what's the problem?" "The problem is" "I'm in some sick competition with a figment of her imagination, and I'm losing." "You know what you gotta do?" "You gotta get your own figment and tell him all this crap, 'cause I got my own problems." "Can you believe Nate?" "He expects me to end a two-year relationship just like that." "Yeah, Marn?" "Raoul's not real." "I know." "I just..." "Dammit, Clown." "How many times do I have to tell you to pick up your shoes!" "You live in the closet." "It's not like you don't know where they go!" "You're not my mother!" "Nate's just so stubborn and bossy." "He was really bossy the other night." "Raoul would not boss me like that." "Yes, they are very different." "Look, Marn, what's going on here?" "Are you getting hinky about Nate?" "No!" "God!" "I'm just trying to figure this out!" "Okay, okay, let's work it through." "All right, now." "On this side, we have Raoul." "He is...foreign... low maintenance... and not bossy." "Okay, and on this side we've got Nate." "Who is... real." "I know." "And I love that about him." "It's just that I've gotten strangely attached to Raoul." "I guess he's just always been there as a fallback, you know?" "And if I let go of him, then what?" "Well, then you just have Nate." "Who, as I've previously stated, is real." "You're right." "You're right!" "This is silly!" "Why is he even putting up with this?" "I should call him right now and tell him..." "Aaaaaaaah!" "Oh, my God." "Are you okay?" "No!" "I tripped over the clown's stupid bike." "Marni!" "I got Tess' message." "Are you okay?" "Yeah, it doesn't hurt that bad, but don't say anything." "I'm trying to score some Vicodin." "Look, I'm sorry." "No, no, no, it's my fault." "I'm sorry." "All right, you guys probably want to be alone, so I'm gonna go get a little air." "So how much for a little air?" "Hey, Marni." "Listen, just so you know," "I didn't realize he was coming, so when you were admitted," "I called Raoul." "You called Raoul?" "Yeah." "He's on his way." "Um, Marni... who's on his way?" "I don't know." "Wait, Ruby?" "Where did you get Raoul's number?" "You put him down as your in-case-of-emergency person." "Oh, right!" "Raoul's was the Cuban restaurant I used to order from." "God, I almost forgot that." "They had this mango salsa..." "Mmmmm, so good." "You put a restaurant down as your in case of emergency person?" "!" "That is not safe." "Yeah, well if I'd had an emergency person at the time," "I would have put them down, and if I'd had a boyfriend, I wouldn't have made one up!" "But if "ifs" and "buts" were candy and nuts, we'd have Christmas every day, wouldn't we, Nate!" "Any word on that Vicodin?" "Raoul's." "Get phone call." "Come to hospital?" "Oh, so you're Raoul?" "Raoul's, yes." "Oh, crap." "What am I gonna do?" "Don't worry, it's okay." "I'll take care of it." "Raoul?" "Yo eschucho que tu tienes buena salsa de mango." "Sí." "Es solo mangos cortados o... tienes algo mas buenas cosas ayi?" "Tiene cebolla y cilantro." "A todas las personas les gusta mucho." "Excelente." "Raoul and I have come to an agreement." "Marni," "I'm going to step aside." "I know what Raoul means to you, and it's okay." "No, Nate!" "Wait!" "I won't let you do this." "Let him do it, are you nuts?" "!" "No, actually I'm finally not." "Goodbye, Raoul." "I'll miss your unassuming air, the way you don't flaunt your wealth, your boyish good looks for a man of 42," "but I choose Nate." "You may have all the riches in the world, but Nate brings me tea." "What is my favorite tea, Raoul?" "Do you even know?" "Yeah, that's what I thought." "That's why I'm with Nate." "Because he knows that I love the little balls." "C'mon, Nate, let's go." "Faster, faster." "Oh, you don't need to tell me." "And that's why I want to tell you about a brother here in our flock." "A man who's been confused, who's gone astray." "A man who some might say is past redemption." "Well, this man wrote a certain song about his mama." "Hallelujah!" "I want to get back in you, mama" "I want to get back in you" "I want to go deep inside a place a place that's always true" "I want to get back in you, mama believe me, I do" "I want to get back in you, mama believe me, I do" "I want to get back in you, mama, believe me, I do" "I want to get back in you, mama, believe me, I do" "Amen!" "Praise the Lord!" "So how did it go at work today?" "How's everyone handling your split with Raoul?" "Well, some took it pretty hard, but then I told them about your house in the Hamptons." " Nicely played." " Mmm." "And that you invited them to watch the fireworks this summer." "No, not July." "That's when me and P Diddy throw the white party." "Seriously, though, you're going to have to rent a house by July." "Okay, clown!" "Half the kids are hopped up on cake, the other half are running low on Ritalin." "Let's get this show on the road before everybody crashes." "It's... show time." "Hey." "You know, I think this is the first time we've been in your apartment alone." "Wow." "You're right." "Tough crowd."