"WOMAN:" "Okay, here we go." "Oh, wow." "Oh, my God, you guys." "Oh, my God, Rachel, you suck." "BOUNCER:" "It's a private party." " It's okay, they're kind of expecting me." "[LIL WENDY'S "SHAKE IT" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]" " Shake it, shake it" " Let me hear you now" "Shake it, shake it, shake it" " Shake it, shake it" " Let me hear you now" "Hello?" "[MUSIC STOPS]" "ALL:" "Surprise!" "[ALL CHEERING]" "[UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]" "I know you told me not to, but I just had to." "I just had to." " You're not mad, are you?" " No, it's sweet." "And are you surprised?" "Was I surprised?" " You were?" " Ugh." "Was I?" "She was surprised!" "You don't want this." "I knew it, I knew it, I knew it." "We did it!" "[ALL CHEERING]" "[KNOCKING ON DOOR]" " No!" "Oh, no, sorry, somebody's in here." " Ow!" "It's me." " Ow." "Not afraid to put your back into it." " What are you doing in the ladies' room?" "What?" "I saw you come in here, looking all tragic." "So I'm here to check for razor blades." "You were not coming in here for me." "You're dodging Claire." "See what happens when you sleep with people you don't love?" " That's insulting." " Why don't you talk to her?" "Rachel, she's crazy." "[CROWD CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]" "CLAIRE:" "There you are." " Good God." "CLAIRE:" "Hi." " Hi." "Where have you been all night, mister?" "Mr. Magoo." "Ha-ha-ha." "Just hiding." "Yeah." "Hiding." "Ha-ha-ha." " It's so, like, chaotic in here." " Yep." "Do you wanna...?" "Do you wanna go someplace more, like, um, intimate or...?" "No." "Party." "So I think I'll stay here." " Me neither." "I don't want to either." " Yep." "Awesome." " Oh, my God." " What is it?" "I want you to see me drop it like it's hot." "One second." " This is awesome." " [WHISPERING] Talk to her." "DARCY:" "When she walked in..." "Aah!" "Hey!" " That was very nice of you." " What?" "Pretending to be surprised." " Please don't tell her." "She'll be heartbroken." " I won't." "[MIMICS THUD]" "What's going on, Dex?" "How you doing?" "You gonna introduce me to the birthday girl?" "Rachel, this is Marcus." "Old family friend." "Just moved into town." "What up, birthday girl?" "Please stop saying that." "Don't worry." "The capacity to be pleasured only increases with age." " Trust me." " Wow." "What's up?" "What's your name?" "You got a boyfriend?" "RACHEL:" "Wow." " Yeah." "I'm sorry." "DARCY:" "Hello." "Hello." "I'm gonna say something." "And I know everybody wants to hear it." "Center of attention." "That's weird." "All right, well, as most of you know, I'm getting married in 61 days." "[ALL CHEER]" "And, Dex, honey, I have a confession to make." "This won't be my first marriage." "[SALT-N-PEPA'S "SHOOP" PLAYING ON STEREO]" "I wanna shoop, baby" "Yep." "Rachel and I have been soul mates since the beginning." "Like two peas in a pod, we did everything together." "Like re-enacting Dirty Dancing." "And our infamous dance routine to Salt-N-Pepa's "Push lt."" "We basically shared everything." "Including Ethan." "Oh, shit." "Why am I in this?" "DARCY:" "Our date to the sixth grade dance." "And through all the years, Rachel and I were inseparable." "It was us against the world." "And after we graduated Indiana, she ditched my ass for stupid law school despite the fact that I selflessly rejected my acceptance to Notre Dame because she wasn't let in." "But whatever." "It all worked out in the end, because she went to NYU Law and met my future husband, and introduced us." "[CROWD CHEERING]" "I'll never forget, when Dex proposed all I could think about when he was down on one knee was that I wish Rachel was here watching me in this moment." "[WHISPERING] Sorry." "Who are we celebrating?" "I mean, to say you are my best friend is the understatement of the century." "You're the sister I never had." "You're sometimes the mother I often need." "The reason why I can stumble so fearlessly into adventure is because she's always there." "She is always, always there." "I love you, Rachel." "[WHISPERING] I love you too." "Happy 30th!" "I'm so happy it's not me yet!" "All right." "Come on, let's get this party going." "Come on, come on." "[CROWD CHEERING AND UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO]" "And shake it, shake it." "[CHUCKLING]" "Wow." "So are you two, like, uh...?" "A couple?" "Nope." " No?" " Nope." "You guys ever...?" " No." "No." " No?" "WOMAN:" "Shake it, Darcy!" "You know what, sweetheart?" "I think it's time that you came down." "[UPBEAT HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]" "Rachel, tell him to let me stay." "Come on, I did the party." "I'm the one who did it." " Honey, I love you so much." " I love you." " Did you like it?" "Did you like your party?" " I did." "I loved it." "[DARCY LAUGHING]" "Oh, my God, remind me to buy you new shoes." "I just hate your shoes so much." "Okay, yep, time to go home." " I hate them." " You know what?" "She'll call you tomorrow." "I don't understand why you think, "I'm gonna buy that pair of shoes."" " Happy birthday." " Hey, thank you." "[WHISTLES]" "Never helps, but I do it anyway." "There's an old maid in the window." "Let's get her a cat." "Okay, you're not old." "You're just a lawyer." "It's different." "I'm serious, Ethan." "Thirty's young, but it's not that young." " Okay." "Ten-second pity party." "Go." " Ethan." "I'm past my prime child-bearing years." "Wow." "Okay." "I didn't know we were going dark." "I basically wasted my entire 20s." "And I hate my job." "Okay, two things?" "You went way over." "And, secondly, you didn't waste your 20s." "You just grew up." "Why won't you marry me?" "Because I like you too much." "Ah!" "Perfect timing." "RACHEL:" "Dex." " Hey, what's going on?" " Darcy forgot her purse." "RACHEL:" "Her new Chanel?" " Not the new Chanel!" "Let's go." " Come on." " Oh." "I'm gonna go help him find it." "Are you serious?" "It's like a $2000 handbag." "Dudes aren't supposed to know that." "In or out, asshole?" "You need a hug, buddy." "Oh!" "And voilà." " Oh!" " Ha-ha-ha." " You all right?" " Mm-hm." " You sure?" " Mm-hm." "Thank you." "Come on." "I'll get you a taxi." "So did you have a good time tonight?" "Yeah, I did." "[SCOFFS]" "I did!" "Hey." "Let's get one more drink." "Oh, no, that's okay." "You don't have to." "Come on." "I want to." "DEX:" "Two Heinekens, please." "RACHEL:" "Darcy." "DARCY:" "It'll be fun." "Come on." "DEX:" "Are you always this obnoxious?" "DARCY:" "Ha-ha-ha." "Yes, I am." "Does that surprise you?" "Wow." "You really don't notice the way women look at you." "You're funny." "I'm not that funny." "You're right." "You were much funnier in law school." "[CHUCKLES]" "[GROANS]" "God, if we could do anything, anything, wake up tomorrow and do anything be anything, what would you do?" " What would you be?" " Rap superstar." "Come on, seriously." "I'd be a teacher." " Really?" " Yeah." "Yeah, I always wanted to teach." "You know, maybe start with high school." "Coach the soccer team." "So why aren't we?" "Doing what we really wanna do?" "Well, I don't know about you but doing what I wanna do has never been much of a factor." "It's more like what I'm expected to do." "Yes." "Exactly." "Wow." "We're really flipping her out." "She can't imagine what you're doing here with me." "Hot people are supposed to be with hot people." " Excuse me." "RACHEL:" "Dex." "Shh!" "You're making my girlfriend uncomfortable." " Dex." "Stop it." " What?" "Oh, my God." "Ha-ha-ha." "Oh." "Now I remember why I had such a crush on you in law school." "No, you didn't." "Course I did." "Oh, come on." "You knew." "Two stops." "Tenth and Second, then down to Tribeca." "I'm sorry." "I don't know why I..." "I was just a..." "Yeah, all right." "I'm thinking more like one stop." "DARCY [ON MACHINE]:" "Rach?" "Rachel?" "Rach." "Rachel, pick up." "Pick up, pick up, pick up." "Oh, my God." "DARCY:" "Rachel." "Rach." " Oh, my God." "What did I do?" "DARCY:" "I'm panicking." "Dex never came home." "Oh, no." "DARCY:" "Listen to me." "Dex never came home and I don't..." "[TELEPHONE BEEPS]" "Fourteen missed calls." "Oh, my God!" "Wait!" "Don't be naked!" "What...?" "[TELEPHONE RINGING]" " Should I answer it?" " What?" "No!" "No, no." "Don't..." "Oh, shit!" " Pants." "What?" " I should answer." "DARCY:" "Why isn't anyone answering?" " Don't answer the phone." "RACHEL:" "I'll just say..." "DARCY:" "Pick up the phone!" " What?" "DARCY:" "Rach." "I don't know." "DARCY:" "It's an emergency, and I think Dex is cheating on me." "And I know it sounds so crazy, but, hot people, they get cheated on sometimes." " What do we do?" "DEX:" "Rachel." "It'll be okay." "It's gonna be okay." "We'll figure it out." "[GROANS]" "I'll tell her I was with Marcus." "[WHISPERING] God, I'm such a terrible person." "[IN NORMAL VOICE] What did I do?" "I mean, not just to her, but to you." "Rachel, stop." "It wasn't just you." "[TELEPHONE RINGING]" "Rachel, I..." "I better go." " Hello?" " Rach, where the hell have you been?" "Dex didn't come home last night." " Hello?" " Oh, my God." " Rachel." " Yes, I heard you." "He didn't come home last night." "He better have been hit by a car or in jail or something." "Darcy, don't say that." "Do you think he's cheating?" "No." " He loves you." " I know he loves me, obviously." "But where the hell is he?" "Did you see him last night?" "At the bar?" "Did you see him when you left the bar?" "Oh, yeah." "Uh, he was with Marcus." "They were, uh, watching a game." "A game?" "At 2 in the morning?" "It was something European." "Oh, cricket, maybe." "Cricket?" "[CELL PHONE BEEPS]" "Oh, my God." "It's him." "I'm gonna see about this cricket crap." "I'll call you right back." "Cricket." "Cricket?" "DEX:" "You don't happen to have four extra pens, do you?" "Oh, I do, actually." "I brought a bunch." "You're making fun of me." "No, I'm impressed." "You're making me feel really inadequate right now." "[DOOR OPENS]" "I'm Professor Dennis Zigman and this is Torts." "A few ground rules:" "Never introduce a contingency in your answer." "A supposed tortfeasor may be argued to have committed a tortious act when four conditions have been met." "Each is necessary." "None is, in itself, sufficient." "There must be a duty or obligation." "This duty must have been breached." " This breach must have caused damage." " [WHISPERING] What about you?" "ZIGMAN:" "Duty, breach, causation." "[WHISPERING] That's okay." "I'll just listen." "ZIGMAN:" "Damage." "Thank you." "ZIGMAN:" "Duty, breach, causation, damage." "Now this duty is not a statutory duty." "The breach." "The breach may be in the form of negligence." "[GRUNTING AND SHOUTING]" "[RINGING]" " Darcy." " It's Dex." "I borrowed her phone." "Um, I just wanted to make sure that you were okay." "Oh." "Yeah, I'm fine." "Are you okay?" "I, um..." "DARCY:" "Hey." "Who are you talking to?" "DEX:" "It's Rachel." "Oh!" "Hey." "Sorry." "Totally forgot to call you back." "Yeah, no." "Is everything okay?" "No, it's fine." "He just got drunk and passed out at Marcus'." "Whatever." " Wish her happy birthday." " Oh, my God." "Happy birthday." " Thanks." "So everything's okay with Dex?" "DARCY:" "Yeah, yeah." "Um, yeah." "Yeah." "[WHISPERING] Except he got a little weird and acted really guilty and said we have to have a talk." "Talk about what?" "I don't know." "Whatever." "[IN NORMAL VOICE] I gotta go." "Kiss, kiss, kiss." "Wait, can I just talk to Dex real quick?" "[GASPING]" "DARCY:" "Because the dress I picked was perfect." "Unless this one's even more perfect." "Darcy, you look incredible." "Wow." "Wow." "She's having her bridal moment." "Hey, Darce." "You okay?" " You okay, Darce?" " No, I'm fine." "I'm just..." "I wanna cry on the day so I wanna check my mascaras, make sure it doesn't run so I'm trying out all these different ones." "My mascara." "Is it running?" "I wish I could cry more." "Can we get a bigger train?" "[DEX  RACHEL LAUGHING]" "Shh!" "Sorry." "Duty, breach, causation..." " Oh, jeez." "RACHEL:" "Hold on." " What am I missing?" "What am I missing?" " Damages." "Oh, shit." "[STUDENTS HUSH]" "[WHISPERING] Sorry." "I'm sorry." "Here." "Use a mnemonic." "D, B, C, D." "Deliver by Christmas Day." "Don't blame Cameron Diaz." "[LAUGHING]" " This isn't even that funny, is it?" "DEX:" "No." "It's not funny at all." "How about when all of this is over Dex buys celebratory dinner?" "Oh!" "Yeah." "Sure." "[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO]" " Actually, I spun the bottle." " Yes." " I would spin the bottle." " Ha-ha-ha." "And, well, she manipulated the bottle so that it landed on me, of course." " And so we go in the closet." " Ha-ha-ha." "But it was one of the best kisses I've ever had." "Wow." " And..." " And, um, my first kiss was on a golf course." " Okay." " In the middle of the night, and I was 13." " Ha-ha-ha." " That's..." "DARCY:" "Crashing." "Oh, I don't know." "He's okay-looking." "Dex, this is Darcy." "Darcy, this is Dex." "You've been talking about him for nine months." "Well, he's been a very great study partner." "Wow." "You two, lighten up." "Your tarts are over." " Torts." "Th..." " Whatever." "Excuse me." "Uh, could we have six shots of tequila, por favor?" "So games, fun, let's get this party started." "Truth or dare." "Darcy." "It'll be fun." "Come on." "Okay, fine." "I'll start." "Dare." "Ask Rachel out on a real date instead of whatever this is." "Darce." "We're just friends." "Fine." "Then ask me out." "Hey, don't look at me." " Who are you?" " Who am I?" "I, counselor, am fun." "Which you look like you could use a lot more of." " Oh, is that so?" "DARCY:" "Mm-hm." "Yeah, it is fun, so I'm willing to share." " Are you always this obnoxious?" " Ha-ha-ha." " Yes." "I am." "Does that surprise you?" "DEX:" "Yeah." "Surprise me?" "No." "You seem like trouble." "DARCY:" "Trouble?" "[DEX  DARCY LAUGHING]" "DARCY:" "Rachel." "Did you hear me?" "Rachel?" "[WHISTLES]" "Veil, no veil?" "Hmm?" "Veil." "DARCY:" "Oh, come on, Rachel." "I mean, really." "You're 30, you can't afford to be picky." "Oh, my God." "I can't believe I forgot to tell you." "Guess who thinks you're hot." "Marcus." "Oh." "Dex's friend, Marcus." "He was at your party." " Yeah, no." " What?" "Oh, my God." "You're like..." "Whatever." "So guess what I did." "I convinced Marcus to take the last bedroom in the Hamptons house." " Darcy." " What?" "It'll be so fun." "It'll be like your own little live-in boy toy." "Actually, I'm gonna have to work most weekends." "RACHEL:" "Hey." "ETHAN:" "Hey." "Can't believe I'm doing this." "Oh, stop it." "It's one weekend." "It's gonna be beautiful." "You can write." "What are you talking about?" "The Hamptons are like a zombie movie directed by Ralph Lauren." "And I won't be doing a lot of writing seeing as how I'm your sexual chaperone from Marco." " Marcus." " Marky." " Marcus." " Doesn't matter." "[DARCY CHEERING]" "[UPBEAT HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO]" " No." " Yikes." "No, please tell me he's not coming." " Good night, everybody." " Darcy, be nice." "What's with the backpack, Ethan?" "Like 1982." " You're lame." " You're lame." " Hey." "What's up, buddy?" " Hey, look who it is." "It's this guy." "MARCUS:" "Dude." "Three chicks, three dudes." " Hi." "ETHAN:" "Thanks, bro." " Get on in there, doggie." " Don't touch me, though." " Here..." "That's all right." "I got it." "RACHEL:" "No, it's okay." "I got it." "Thank you." "I got that one." "DARCY:" "By the way, Ethan, you're sleeping in a little girl's room." "ETHAN:" "Oh, great." "You're gross." "Pay the toll." "Pay the toll." " I'll get one later." "DARCY:" "Sun waiting for us!" "DEX:" "You ready?" "You ready?" " Whoo!" "MARCUS:" "The Hamptons, baby, huh?" "[DARCY CHEERING]" "Oh, my God, you guys." "Welcome." "[DARCY LAUGHING]" "DARCY:" "Oh, my God." "Honey." "Honey." "MARCUS:" "Save it for the honeymoon." "DARCY:" "Yes." "I'd like to make a toast." "Here is to my last and best summer of my former life before I become Mrs. Dexter Thaler." "May we all come up here as often as possible before Labor Day and spend the summer full of sun, fun, drinking, partying..." "We should do some shots." "[DARCY CHEERS]" "MARCUS:" "Cheers." "ALL:" "Cheers." "MARCUS:" "Cheers, buddy." "Cheers." "Look in the eyes." "Look in the eyes, everybody." "In the eyes." "Bad luck if you don't do it." "Dex, Rachel, look in each other's eyes." "Let's go out!" "MARCUS:" "Let's go to the Jetty." "[KING FLOYD'S "GROOVE ME" PLAYING ON STEREO]" "[CROWD CHEERING]" "ETHAN:" "You gotta stop staring." " What?" "I wasn't." "What?" "I'm talking about cuckoo bird over there." "Look at her." "She's just a little gremlin." "She's like some weird animal." "She's like a freaking circus animal." " What is that?" " Oh, just stop it." "She's a perfectly normal woman who made the great mistake of thinking some man wanted her when all he wanted was sex." " Thanks, Oprah." "I don't need..." " Just go talk to her." "Okay." "I should totally do that." "Not now, I'm not." "Oh, oh, oh!" "What's up?" "How you doing?" " Ooh!" "Hey!" " Too much?" "Too much?" "All right." "How you doing?" "Could I get a Maker's on the rocks, please?" "Thank you." "You're like a shark." "That kind of hurts my feelings a little bit." "I'm actually a pretty sensitive guy." " Oh, really?" " Once, when I was 9 years old I saved the life of a chipmunk." "A chipmunk." "He fell out of our tree and almost died." "He didn't know what to do." "He couldn't move his legs." "So I built a tiny little splint for his tiny, little broken leg." "And I carried him around in a BabyBjörn." "And all the kids in my neighborhood, they laughed." "They made fun of me." "They threw rocks at me." "But I didn't care." " You know why?" " Why?" "Because all I saw was this little fur ball that needed love." "That's really sweet." "I know." "So next time you wanna call somebody a shark, just remember the chipmunk." "All right." "How about we go outside and get a little fresh air?" "What?" " No." "Sorry." "Not my thing." " Ha-ha-ha." " Not your thing?" " Not my thing." "Okay." "You know what?" "Why not?" "God, I'm good." "MARCUS:" "I don't know what you're talking about." " But where did the guy end up?" " We never spoke to him again." "[ALL LAUGHING]" "[SIGHS]" "Bedtime, baby." "Yeah, you two should go." "You know what, hon?" "I'm actually not that tired." "Good." "Yeah, well, good night, man." "What a great day, huh?" "Come here." "Love you." "[MOUTHS] Come on." " [MOUTHS] So hot." "DEX:" "Good night, Marcus." "Night, you two." " Have fun." " Good night." "[SIGHS]" "[RACHEL CLEARS THROAT]" "Alone at last." "MARCUS:" "Here we go." "Yeah." "DARCY:" "Oh, Dex." "Dex." "[DARCY MOANING]" "[TELEVISION STOPS]" " Is that...?" " It's a cat." "Oh, that was no cat." "I'm really digging the ambience in this house." "[KNOCKING ON DOOR]" " Hey." "Hey." " Oh." " It's so, like, crazy out there." " Is it?" "Um, do you think maybe I could, uh, could sleep in here?" "In this room?" "No." "Nope." "Nope." "Because it's..." "Claire, I'm..." "I'm really sorry." "I should've talked to you about this before." "I'm just..." "I can tell you from in there." "Um..." "I think I'm gay." "That came out wrong." "I'm definitely gay." "I'm really gay." "I'm just figuring it out." " Oh, my God." " This weekend's been a lot." "I'm a little..." "Feeling vulnerable, excited, liberated." "Things..." "Phew." "Got a lot going on." "All these things I'm dealing with, it's just..." "There's not enough room for all of it and you." " Okay." " You know?" " So..." " Okay." "All right." "Thanks for being cool with it." "I accept." " You accept what now?" " I accept the challenge." "I accept the challenge of being your partner in this journey." "No." "You're not getting it." "I don't need you as a partner." "I need another partner." "I need, like, a guy partner." "Like, dudes, maybe a lot of them." "Yes." "We're gonna work through this." "There's no working through it." "It's not a curable thing." "This I got." " We start tomorrow." " We're not..." "What are we starting?" " Yeah." " What?" "Claire." "Claire!" "DARCY:" "Yeah." "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "[DARCY MOANING AND SHOUTING]" " Well, I'm out of here." "DARCY:" "What?" "You're leaving?" " No." " My boss called." "I have to go in." "Tell him you can't." "What an ass." "Ass face." " I know." " Will you make her stay?" "Rachel, you really should stay." "You're gonna miss them shooting another porno." "You are obviously still so in love with me." "[IN MOCKING VOICE] Obviously." "Do we have the number for a taxi?" "I need to get to the Jitney." "It's okay." "I could take you." "Yeah." "Honey will take you." "Well, there you go." "You don't really have to go, do you?" "I'm sorry." "Can we, um...?" "Can we just forget this happened?" "Okay." "We'll forget it happened." "Good." "Why did it happen?" "Why did you kiss me?" "Yeah..." "[STAMMERING]" "We shouldn't..." "You were having wedding jitters." "And I was emotional about turning 30." " We were both really drunk." " I wasn't that drunk." "What?" "I wasn't that drunk." " I'm sorry." "I shouldn't even..." " No, it was just a mistake." "It was a big mistake." "Yeah, you know what?" "It was, ha, a big mistake." "So how was the rest of the weekend?" "I just had the best time with your boyfriend, Marco." " Marcus." " Doesn't matter." "Everybody was okay with me leaving?" "You know, Darcy?" "Dex?" "Anybody say anything?" "Well, we all had a good cry, but then..." "No." "No one cared." "Why?" "Nothing." "I'm having dinner with Darcy." "She said it was important." "It's important?" "Oh, my God, should I be there?" "Ha." "WOMAN:" "Oh, that's great." "[CROWD CHATTERING]" "MAN:" "Just because we didn't..." "Rachel is here." "Oh." "Rach." " Rach, we're back here." "MAN:" "A bit short." " Hi." " Hi." "Do you wanna sit down?" "No, that's okay." "I just..." "I thought that we were having dinner alone, Darce." "DARCY:" "Right." " So did I." "We're not." "There's something the three of us need to talk about that's important." "Let me get a chair." "Can I steal this?" "Scoot over just a smidge." "Thank you." "Okay." "There's something going on here, and I think we all know what it is." "I know there's something going on." "I've been noticing this for a while." "And I read in Cosmopolitan magazine toda..." "Well, I skimmed it." "And it said it's normal for the best friend and the fiancé to be upset about losing the attention of the bride." "That is what's going on here, right?" "Actually..." " Guilty." "DEX:" "Yeah." " That's it." "That's it." " Okay, all right." "Let's get over it now." "Let's move on from this, because there are no third wheels." "I love you both." "WOMAN:" "Thank you." "MAN:" "You're welcome." "Yes, thank you for dinner." "So did you and Marcus do it?" "DEX:" "Darcy." "DARCY:" "Heh-heh-heh." "It's a legitimate question." "Did you?" " Tell me." " No." "Was he a good kisser at least?" " Will you leave her alone?" " Come on." "Shush." "This is between me and my best girlfriend." "Well?" " Was he?" " Hmm?" "I knew it." "I knew it." "Will you tell Dex he doesn't know you at all?" "He was like, "She's not into him." "Why would she be into him?"" "I just..." " I think you two are different." "That's all." " So?" "So what?" "We're different." "If people fell in love based on similarities, the two of you would be a couple." "DEX:" "I'm gonna get a taxi." " Okay." " Meet me up front." "DARCY:" "Are you gonna leave me?" "Okay." "Maid of honor favor." "You have to see this '90s cover band with me tomorrow night." "For the wedding." "You have to." "It's the only time they're playing and Dex loves the band." " I'm slammed at work." " Promised him I'd go." "He's working." "You're coming." "Please?" "You have way better taste than me." "Than I. It's "than I."" " You have better taste than I." " Than I do." "Sounds weird." "Fine." "Ahem." "When do I ever say no to you?" "[SINGING] How's it gonna be" "When you don't know me anymore?" "Hey." "Where are you?" "Oh, something came up." "RACHEL:" "Wait, you're not coming?" "Well, I..." "Ow!" "Um, why don't you just listen to a couple songs and call me after?" "I gotta go." "How's it gonna be" "When you don't know me anymore?" "How's it gonna be" "[CROWD CHEERING]" "[BAND PLAYING COUNTING CROWS' "ROUND HERE"]" "Step out the front door Like a ghost into the fog" "Where no one notices the contrast Of white on white" "In between the moon and you Angels get a better view" "I can't believe she sent you here." " It's fine." " No." "This is not fine." "How come you never told me how you felt in law school?" "Dex, I never should have said anything." "I'm..." "I just wish I would've known." "What do you mean?" "Rachel, you were all I ever thought about in law school." "Did you really not know that?" "Why are you saying this to me?" " Rachel..." " Wait, don't." " Please, don't." " Rachel." "This is not wedding jitters." "It never was." "I just..." "I can't stop thinking about you and I don't know what to do." "Rachel, look at me." "Look at me." "If you feel the same way about me, tell me now." "Please." "Just tell me now." "I can't." "It's too late." "SINGER:" "We all look the same" "I do feel the same way." "I wish I didn't." "But I do." "DEX [ON RECORDING]:" "Hey." "I can't stop thinking about what just happened." "God, this is crazy." "But I just wanna make sure you come to the Hamptons this weekend." "I, um, hope to see you there." "Okay." "CLAIRE:" "Lunchtime!" " Hey." " Hey." " How are you?" " I'm good." "How are you?" "DARCY:" "Ha-ha-ha." "Hi." " I, uh, forgot something." "DARCY:" "Ugh." " What a dramatic day." "DEX:" "It is." "Oh." "Heh-heh-heh." "Why are you wearing that?" "What?" "Why shouldn't gays have the same rights as we do?" "I'm gonna go grab a beer." "Do you guys want anything?" "I'll have a beer." "I agree, I just..." "Hey, Rach." "I'm sorry about that." "Uh, I was just thinking..." "No peppers, right, baby?" " When did you get here?" " Uh, this morning." "I didn't invite you back another weekend." "So why are you here?" "Because I love you and I can't stand to be away from you." "And, also, my apartment flooded." "Really?" "It flooded?" "That's so weird." "I don't care." " Darcy." "DARCY:" "That's crazy." "Be nice to him." "He's going through something very difficult." "Thank you." "Well, no, it was just the apartment flooding is the only thing." "[GIGGLING]" "MARCUS:" "I think I need a wet nap." "You do." "MARCUS:" "Good spread." "Spaghetti." "We're allowed to have guests, right?" "Is there any vodka?" "DEX:" "Mom, don't worry." "Yeah, no, it shouldn't be a problem." "Okay, well, I'll call you tomorrow." "It's all gonna be fine, Mom." "I love you too." "That your mom?" "Is she not doing well again?" "She's actually getting better." "She's so excited about the wedding." "Right." "Ahem." "You know, when I was a kid and her depression got really bad, my father made sure he wasn't around so I'd just try to cheer her up." "The worst part was I actually was afraid that if I couldn't make her happy, I'd lose her." "That's a good reason to be afraid." "DARCY:" "Dex!" "FedEx!" "It's our proofs for our wedding invites!" "Come see!" "I'm sorry we haven't had any time to talk." "Nice jeans, dude." "Nice hair, bro." "MARCUS:" "You wanna go dip your toes in the water with me?" "I think she's asleep." "Or dead." "MARCUS:" "Well, I'm gonna go." "DEX:" "Something tells me you're not kidding." "DARCY:" "I'm not." "[DEX CHUCKLING UNEASILY]" "Ha-ha-ha." "That's, like, the fakest laugh." "What's wrong with you lately?" "I'm sorry." "I'm just a little tense." "Tense." "I love you, baby, even when you're tense." "What are you doing?" "What do you mean?" "What am I doing?" "Don't even think about it." "What did I say, huh?" "Darcy, you're so dead." "[SHOUTING AND LAUGHING]" "[MISS EIGHTY 6'S "CAME TO PARTY" PLAYING ON STEREO]" "When I need to get away I turn it up" "I let it play Let the DJ show me the way of the player" "Until I'm feeling as good as" "Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh" "Oh, oh, oh" "We came here to party" " My mom didn't know what I was doing." " Oh, oh, oh" "Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh" "We came here to party" "Oh, oh, oh" " Get away from me." " Oh, oh, oh" "Oh, oh, oh" "So I built this tiny little splint for his tiny little broken leg." "And I had to do CPR on him." "You couldn't push hard." "You had to just blow it..." " I need him." "I'm sorry." " Oh!" "Oh, God!" "I need you." "Aah!" "Yeah!" "[BUBBA SPARXXX'S "MS. NEW BOOTY" PLAYING]" "Bring it back to me" "Hit the players' club For about a month or two" "Yeah, Rachel!" "I found you Ms. New Booty" "Do it, girl!" "I'm here for you, baby!" "Whatever you need!" "Whatever you need, baby!" "Put a tan on it Then see what it do" "Get it right Get it right, get it tight" "DARCY:" "Oh, yeah." "[MOUTHS] No." "Give him your back." "Give him your back." "Girl, I don't need you But you need me" "Take it off, let it flop Shake it freely" "[SHOUTS]" "I let 'em tell itself And you ain't gotta sell, girl, it sell itself" "Like nothing else Yeah, I'm a country boy" "Yeah." "Ain't life grand?" "Live it up, daddy" "[SHOUTING]" "MARCUS:" "Yeah, get in there." "[GROANING]" "Are you all right?" "Yeah, no, I just think I pulled something." "Your vagina?" "No, I didn't pull my vagina." " Ha-ha-ha." "I'm just kidding." " I just pulled near my vagina." "She's fine, she's fine." "Now I know how many flowers it takes for you to call me back when you're mad." "Sorry." "It just..." "Look, I know this weekend wasn't what we had hoped it would be." "RACHEL:" "No, it wasn't just this weekend." "It's watching you with her." "And knowing what we're doing." "What are we doing?" "It's just..." "It's hard to see you with her, Dex." "I can't believe I'm saying these things." "Rachel, what we need is some time alone." "Just the two of us." "You know what, next weekend is the Fourth of July." "I'll say I have to work." "And it'll be like a time-out." "A time-out to see what this is without anyone or anything around us." "What do you say?" "Gotta go." "Call you back." "Sorry." "Started without you." "Good God." "Who are those from?" " Uh, Marcus." " Really?" "Because they look expensive." " Should we go?" " Yes, we should." "And that was him on the phone too, right?" " You doing good?" " Should we go?" "Yes, we should." "There's a note." "It's private." "Come on." "Come on." "I was just gonna check his spelling." " Heh." " Rachel." "Rachel, who are the flowers from?" "Do you want me to guess?" "Please don't." "Please say something." "I don't know what you want me to say." "I mean, I guess I'm impressed, actually." "I didn't think you had it in you." "Him either." "It's nothing to be proud of." "Oh, my God, it's terrible." "Why?" "Nobody's married yet." "And, besides, sometimes good people do bad things, right?" "And, hey, I could see you guys together." "So, what's the plan?" "You gonna stay here, spend Fourth of July weekend with him?" "He wants to spend some time together to see what this thing is." "And what do you want?" "I want not to want him." "Is that true?" "I don't know." "Well, I can tell you this." "If the roles were reversed Darcy wouldn't even hesitate." "RACHEL:" "Darcy, I really have to get back to work." "What about these?" "Did you hear me?" " Can I read you something?" " Can you read it fast?" " It's my vows." " I have to be..." "Sit." "Ready?" ""Dex." "Dex." "Our love is like the ocean." "Endless and deep, always flowing."" "It's awful?" "You hate it?" "I don't hate it." "It's lovely." "Oceans don't flow." "Rivers flow." "See, you're better at this than I am." "Help me." "Right now?" " Come on." " Okay." "Well, forget the ocean." "Forget the ocean." "Uh, tell him that when you're with him, everything makes sense." "Right?" "And he makes you giddy." "And uh, tell him that he makes you the person you want to be, instead of the person you are." "And that uh, the idea of life without him is not only unbearable, it's unimaginable." "DARCY:" "Oh, my God." " Ha, ha." "Hi." " What's up?" "DARCY:" "How are you?" "I haven't seen you guys forever." " How's it going?" "What's happening?" "WOMAN 1:" "I know." " Who's that?" "DARCY:" "Oh, that's Rachel." "You remember Rachel." "My best friend from forever." "I know, I'm getting..." "I'm getting shoes for my wedding." " Can you believe it?" "WOMAN 1:" "No!" "DARCY:" "Yes." "DJ [ON RADIO]:" "If you're driving to the beach, I hope you packed your patience because the roads are jammed, folks as New York City does its annual disappearing act for the Fourth of July." "[DOORBELL BUZZES]" " Who is it?" " It's Dex." "Hi." "Come on up." "You know what, I'm gonna come down there." "I can come up." "No, no, no." "I'm coming down." "Wow." "Sorry." "I'm..." "Ugh, I'm just a..." " A wreck?" " Heh." "Yes." "Heh-heh-heh." " So shall we go?" " Yeah." "Wow." "It really is deserted." "Yeah, it's just us." "[CELL PHONE RINGING]" " Is that her?" "You can answer if you want." " No." "You know what, I'm gonna turn this thing off." "I'm sorry." "I'm not..." "I just..." "I'm not, uh, really comfortable." "No, it's okay because this is already the best weekend I've had in a long time." "Do you remember that night when we were studying for our Torts final?" "And you were laughing so hard?" "You know exactly what I'm talking about, don't you?" "Yeah." "Didn't you feel what I was feeling?" "I did." "At least I was hoping that's what you were feeling." "Yeah, but, then, that night when I met Darcy I actually thought you set us up." "I just didn't think someone like you could ever like someone like me." "[CROWD CHATTERING AND LAUGHING]" "[SIGHS]" "That's a nice way to wake up." "Good morning." "I wanna tell you something." "Tell me something." "I love you." "I love you, Rachel." "I think I always have loved you." "Imagine I'm holding your hand right now." "RACHEL:" "Okay." " You're blushing." "MAN:" "Dexter." "Is that...?" " That's my parents." " Who's that?" "I wonder what he's doing." "He's not supposed to be in town." "Oh, my God." "I should go." "No, don't." " Dex." " Stay." "Well, this is a surprise." "Heh, heh." "Dex, what are you doing here?" "We thought you were in the Hamptons." " I had to work." " Mm." "Had to work." "Mom, Dad, you remember Rachel White." "Oh, my gosh, yes." " Hello, dear." " Hi." "Good to see you." "BRIDGET:" "Guess who was asleep in the box with his head on the pillow next to Buddy." "Little Dex did not come out of that box for two days." "Ha-ha-ha." "Dexter, come." "Let's walk." " Excuse us, ladies." " Excuse us." "Mom, thank you for thoroughly embarrassing me." "Appreciate that." "My pleasure." "[CHUCKLES]" "Your mother doesn't like me drinking during the daytime." "Well, she looks good." "She seems happy." "She sure does." "I don't think I've ever seen her so happy." "Must be the wedding." "Cheers." "Dad, can I ask you a question?" "Have you ever gone down a road I mean, far down it and..." "And wondered maybe if it wasn't what you want?" "What you want." "The problem with that expression is it's frequently at odds with what's right." "Isn't it?" "Now, whatever's going on between you and that girl, you stop it." "Now." " But, Dad..." " No." "You know what I'm talking about." "That's not the kind of people we are." "Yes, sir." "Your mom is a sweetheart." "Your dad..." "I see where the strong silent thing comes from." "Is everything okay?" "Yeah." "Yeah, I'm just tired." "Do you wanna come up?" "I do, but, uh, Darcy texted and they're on their way back, so..." " Oh." "Yeah." " I should..." "Rachel, just so you know what I said this morning..." "Yeah?" "I meant it." "That's what he said?" "It's complicated, Ethan." "Don't." "Don't what?" "Rachel, it's not complicated." "He's being a dick." "To be honest, you're being stupid." " Whoa." "I'm being stupid?" " Yes." "He's stringing you along." "And the worst part is you're just letting him." "How long are you gonna let this happen?" "His wedding day?" " His first anniversary?" " He's not even married yet, Ethan." "Exactly, Rachel." "He's not even married yet." "Which means he can change his situation anytime he wants." "But he hasn't, has he?" "Have you even seen him, have you even talked to him since the Fourth of July?" "Rachel, when did you become one of these women that just waits?" "And is still waiting." "I don't exactly see you living your happily ever after." "Maybe you're right." "But at least I try." "At least I take chances." "When?" "When is the last time you took a chance?" "Two days ago, when I decided to move to London." " What?" " Yeah." "I'm moving there in the fall." "When were you gonna tell me?" "Um, today." "Just now, actually, before you yelled at me." "There's a publisher who's really interested in my book." "She wants to work on it." "Ethan, that's incredible." "Hey, you wanna give me a killer going-away present?" " What?" " Tell your boyfriend to make a decision." "MARCUS:" "Nice, Justin." "I'm okay." "Oh, nice one!" "Hey." "Hi." "MARCUS:" "So I'm lying in bed last night thinking about you, wondering if I should jerk off or not." "But the thing was, I couldn't get it up." "And that never happens, by the way." "Just FYI." "Never happens to me." "And it wasn't because I don't think you're hot." "I do." "I totally think you're hot." "I just feel..." "I don't know." "I associate you now with failure." "[RACHEL LAUGHS]" "How do you make the most hideous things sound charming?" " That's a compliment, right?" " Sure." "Ha-ha-ha." "So how big you think it is?" "Excuse me?" "Oh, my God." "The house." "You think it'll be big?" "What house?" "The house that Dex's old man is buying for him and Darcy." "What, Darcy didn't tell you?" "Yeah, yeah." "My dad is Dex's dad's realtor." "They're..." "Right now, they're out in Westchester looking for $2 million mansions." "Must be nice, huh?" "DARCY:" "Gorgeous." "REALTOR:" "Oak floors throughout." "This is the study." "DARCY:" "You look good in here, babe." "REALTOR:" "Hand-cut Vermont fieldstone." "Watch your step." "Natural light to the left." "Southern exposure to the right." "So how many kids you planning to have?" "As many as Dex's father tells me to have." " This is amazing." " Isn't it great?" "DARCY:" "We love you so much." "Thank you, thank you, thank you." "Hmm." "So Dex?" "What do you think?" "It's great." "[CHUCKLES]" "[TELEPHONE RINGING]" " Hello." " Hey, you little tart." "Marcus just texted me." "He said you guys saw each other today." "So spill the beans." "Circumcised?" "When were you gonna tell me about looking at houses?" "How did you know?" "Oh, Marcus's dad." "Um, it wasn't, like, a little secret." "Wait till you see this house that we loved." "Oh, my God." "We loved it." "We haven't decided anything yet." " Oh, am I on speaker?" " Hi, Rach." "Hey, Dex." "You like the house too?" "Uh, yeah, it was..." "It was okay." "DARCY:" "What are you talking about?" " We loved it." " That's great." "I gotta go." "But, Darce?" " Yeah." " Yes, Marcus is circumcised." "Opposing counsel gave me a two-week extension to respond." "Yes, I'll hold." "[CELL PHONE BUZZES]" "[WOMEN CHEERING AND LAUGHING]" "RACHEL:" "We only have one night." "DARCY:" "Oh, I know." "Me too." "CLAIRE:" "Bye, Rachel." " Night." "Bye." " Good night." "Good night, Darcy." " Air, air." "Darce, where...?" "Where are you going?" "You know what?" "I'm gonna sleep over at Rachel's tonight." "Oh, come on." "We haven't had a sleepover in, like, forever." "And, plus, Dex is gonna be out with all his bachelor buddies all night." "Oh." "Okay, bye." "DARCY:" "Love you." "So, what's going on in Marcus-land?" "You gonna marry him?" "Stop it." "What?" "Marcus isn't marriage material?" "[TELEPHONE RINGING]" "Who is calling at this ungodly hour?" " Who is it?" " Hello?" "Rachel, it's me." "Please, don't hang up." " Rachel." " [WHISPERING] Who is it?" "I miss you." "That's all I want to say." "Um..." "Look, can I come up?" "I just wanna talk." "[IN NORMAL VOICE] Who is it?" " Ethan." " Ethan?" "Ethan?" "No, it's Dex." "I'm downstairs." " Can I see you?" " Wait, you're downstairs?" "No!" "No, no, no!" "Darcy's here, so..." "He's downstairs and he wants to come up at 3 in the morning?" "Um, I'm gonna..." "Oh, my God." " Ew." " What?" "Ew!" "Ew!" "Oh, my God." "You are having a fling with Ethan?" "Oh, my God, you're having an affair with Ethan." " I gotta go." " He's downstairs." " No, he's..." "Oh, shit." "DARCY:" "Ainsley?" "Oh, Ainsley!" "Way to go, honey!" "I didn't know you had it in you, you little shithead!" "RACHEL:" "Close the window." "DARCY:" "You little tart." "Oh, my God." "Why didn't you tell me?" "Um, you know, it just happened." "It just happened." "Well, we're gonna celebrate your just happening right now." "[SALT-N-PEPA'S "PUSH IT" PLAYING]" "What are you doing?" "Oh, come on." " It's your favorite thing in the world." " Darcy, no." "No." " Not tonight." " Sixth grade, second place." "RACHEL:" "Not now." "We should've won." "Get over here right now." "I suck." "Five, six, seven, eight!" "[SINGING IN UNISON] Ooh, baby, baby" "Baby, baby" "Ooh, baby" "Salt-N-Pepa's here, and we're in effect Want you to push it back" "Coolin' by day, then at night Workin' up a sweat" "Come on, girls, let's go show the guys That we know how to become" "Number one in a hot party show Now, push it" "Push it good" "Push it real good" "[DARCY CHEERS]" "Push it good" "Push it real good" "[BOTH LAUGHING]" "People who were friends as kids almost always lose touch eventually." "I'm glad we didn't." "Me too." "And we never will, right?" "No." "I don't think there's anybody who knows me like you." "Not even Dex does." "Not like you do." "It's like you totally accept me." "Darce, why are you saying all this?" "I don't know." "But when you're getting married, you start thinking about all your big moments." "And you're in all of mine." "Me too." "Darcy?" "[DARCY GRUNTS]" "I have to tell you something." "Something I've done." "Rachel I love you." "And I would never let anyone hurt you, ever." "And you wouldn't let anyone hurt me, right?" "No." "DARCY:" "Rach." "RACHEL:" "Hmm." " Rach." "Oh, God." "Good morning." "Do you think I should marry Dex?" "What?" "No, I mean it." "Do you think this is a good idea?" "I mean, nobody knows me like you." "And you sort of know Dex too." "And you're much smarter than I am." "I mean, book-smarter, anyway." "But what I'm trying to say is you're not gonna let me do anything dumb, are you?" "Darcy." "No, I mean it, because..." "Ugh, I can really do..." "I can really do dumb shit." "Because I do love him." "I do." "And I know what he sees in me." "What?" "You know what I mean." "He's never met anybody like me because I don't let stuff get to me." "Which is true, because I always assume everything'll just work out." "And I guess it's because it always has." "So I make him lighter, and he kind of..." "He makes me heavier, somehow." "In a good way." "Does that make sense?" "It does." "And what you said in your vows I feel that." "Especially when you said..." "Um..." "What exactly did you say again?" " Life without him would be unimaginable." " Yes." "And it would." "But is that enough for a marriage?" "I think..." "Yeah?" "You should marry him." "I love you so much." "I love you, Darcy." "You are the best girlfriend in the world." "Ever." "So it's okay that I kind of cheated on him a little bit?" "What?" "I..." "Just barely." "Heh." "Once." " With whom?" " Well, he was a guy from work." "And it was nothing." "You know me, it was just sex." "And I felt terrible, so that's good." "Right?" "Plus, Dex hasn't had sex with me since before the Fourth of July." "Ugh." "I'm so happy I got this off my chest." "I hate feeling guilty." "I hate it." "I feel so much better now." "Oh, my God." "So when are you gonna tell him?" "Do you want me to tell him?" "I would love to tell him." "It's none of your business." "I told Darcy to marry him." "I'm bowing out." "She just told you she's cheating." "You want your opportunity, take it." "Ethan, stop." "I don't really get it." "I don't get how you let her win all the time." "Wow." "Oh." "No, "wow" nothing." "If the tables were turned, you think she'd let you win?" "Will you stop?" "What is it with you two?" "Why do you hate her so much?" "What?" "I don't hate her." "I hate the fact that you yield to her at every turn." "So why do you do it?" "Why do you let her win?" "Because that's what Darcy does." "Darcy wins." "She always has." "She sees things, she wants them, she gets them." "Ethan, she got into Notre Dame." "Do you know how hard it is to get into Notre Dame?" "It is impossible." "But she did." "And with her grades?" "You're kidding, right?" "You're not kidding?" "Did you see her acceptance letter?" " What are you talking about?" " Did you see the acceptance letter?" "I didn't." "Remember when she asked Michael Jordan to prom?" "They sent a letter saying he couldn't make it." "How many times did she show us that letter?" "I could recite it right now." "That was a rejection." "Do you really think if she were accepted that she wouldn't make us memorize that letter too?" "Rachel, come on." "She never got into Notre Dame." "Rachel." "Okay, look, I get it." "You're in a tough spot because you love him." "But you gotta do something about it." "He's a coward." "If he breaks your heart, I'm gonna take a swing at him." " Then I'm gonna let him beat me up." " I gotta go." "I'm late." "I know!" "Rachel, that's the point." "Be late." "Better yet, quit." "At least it would be a decision." "Rachel!" "You're all going to hell anyway, so you might as well do something for yourself." "For once." "Rachel, you deserve to be happy." "Then butt out." "That would make me happy." "I'll figure it out on my own." "Oh." "Oh, that's great." "Let me know how that goes." "MARCUS:" "Serve is up." "All right." "DARCY:" "Whoo!" "DEX:" "Go!" "Yes!" "Five-zip." "We're killing you, Rachel." "Isn't that the truth?" "It is, right?" "MARCUS:" "I'm really competitive, so I need you to focus." "You gotta pop it, Rach." "Pop it." " It's a backhand." " Serve's up." "Here we go." "Go, Dex, do it." " Aah!" "Oops." "MARCUS:" "Yeah!" "Who doesn't love badminton?" "Have you ever even played a sport in your life?" "I think she's calling you gay, son." " I heard it." "DARCY:" "Hey, Romeo." "Why don't you get up off your ass and come help out your Juliet?" " What?" " Darcy." "Your secret lover." "Wink, wink." "RACHEL:" "Darcy." " Rachel shared your secret." "Oops." "Oh." "Oh, wow." "We're sharing secrets now." "See, I didn't know we were at that part of the day, but I am in." " Ethan." " This sounds like fun." " Give me this." "Let's do this." " The novelist wants to play." "I got an idea." "How about it's us versus you guys but we'll do a secret for every point?" " Love that." " Ethan." "Stop." "Gotta do this." "Here we go." " Don't." " I love it so much, I'll serve first." "All right?" "Hit me, Dex." "Dex, hit me." "His name rhymes with sex." "You know that?" "I knew that." "ETHAN:" "I'm so happy to be here." "Ready?" "[RACKETS THWACKING]" "Yes, do it again." "Whoo!" "Yeah!" "Yippee!" "We got a point." "I got a secret." "Rachel and Ethan are having sex." " Ugh." " What?" "DARCY:" "I was there the other night and somebody showed up for a little booty call." "I knew it." "I called it, I knew it." "What?" "You told me you were gay!" "That makes more sense." "I think that things are getting a tad competitive." " Why don't we just take it down a notch?" " No." "Honey, serve." "Rachel's right." "Why don't we...?" "No, no, no." "Let's do this." " Serve it." "ETHAN:" "Do it." "DEX:" "Just..." " You know what?" "Let's keep telling secrets." "DARCY:" "Come on." "ETHAN:" "Serve it!" "DARCY:" "Yeah." "Serve it, Dex." "ETHAN:" "Serve it, Dex." "DARCY:" "Serve it, Dex." "Serve it." "Yep." "Easy." "[GRUNTING]" "Watch out." " Excuse me." " Aah!" " Rachel!" " Jesus!" "ETHAN:" "Come on, Dex!" "Okay." "Yeah, really?" "I got it." " There you go." "Yeah." "All right." " Ethan, stop." "No." "Let's hear a secret." "Rach, why don't you do this one?" "Come on, guys." "I think we're done here." " No, Dex." "We're not." " Ethan, stop it!" " What is going on?" " If she's not gonna tell you, I will." "Okay, here we go." "[SHOUTS]" "[MARCUS LAUGHING]" "Shit." "What the hell was that?" "Me?" "You broke my nose." "I'm sure I didn't break your nose." "God." "And what is all this about us having sex?" "Jesus, Rachel, just leave me out of your goddamn soap opera." "No one asked you to get involved." "Really?" "So why have I been listening to this bullshit all summer?" "Rachel, do something, because this is just pathetic." "But you know what?" "At the end of the day, you deserve each other." "He's never gonna do anything." "You're never gonna ask him to, and let's be honest you and I both know that, even if you did, she will never let you have him." " You're an asshole!" " Yeah, maybe I am!" "But I'm the only asshole here who gives a shit about you!" "[MELLOW POP MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO]" "DARCY:" "I wanna know what it is you're not telling me." "DEX:" "There's nothing to tell." "If you wanna know something..." "DARCY:" "I'm sorry, that's weird and bizarre." "And I'm asking you." "I don't wanna talk outside." "He's not really gay, is he?" "No." "Uh, Claire, we're not having an affair, either." "That was just a..." "It was..." "He's never gonna love me, is he?" "I don't think so." "Least I tried." "Right?" "Yeah." "Ethan's..." "Like I said, I think it's weird too." "DARCY:" "Whatever." " You told Ethan?" " No." "He guessed." "Darcy's upset." "She keeps asking me what happened on the beach today." "You know what?" "Work it out with her, Dex." "Well..." "Rachel." "Rachel, what am I supposed to do?" "Forget what you're supposed to do, Dex." "Do what you wanna do." "Live your own life the way you want to live it." "You wanna teach?" "Teach." "You don't wanna be the man who lives in the big house you hate?" "Then don't be him." "Or do." "Just decide." "[CROWD CHATTERING]" "[DEX  DARCY LAUGHING]" " That was awesome." " What?" "Nothing." "You've got a great laugh." "Wait." "When did this happen that you were like, "I wanna be a lawyer"?" "Who says, "You know what I wanna do when I grow up?" "I wanna be a lawyer."" "I'm sorry." "I'm gonna take off." "Where are you going?" "Come on, sit down." "I'm beat." "This week has done me in." "I'll take you home." " No, you don't have to." " No, it's fine." "I'd like to." "Stop it." "You two stay." "I'm exhausted." " Darcy, I will call you in the morning." " Okay." "Dex, you were incredible this week." "I owe you one." "DEX:" "Rachel." "Rach." "Hey." "What's up?" "I just..." "I just wanted to make sure you were okay." "Okay with...?" "Well, with this." "Oh, yeah." "Totally." "No, Darcy's fantastic." "And, hey, you never know where it might lead, right?" "Yeah." "Okay." "Well, good night." "Good night." "[THUNDER BOOMING]" "RACHEL:" "Dex!" "Dex!" " Dex!" " What's wrong?" "I shouldn't have left." " No, it's okay." "I understand." " No." "Six years ago." "That night." "I shouldn't have left." "It wasn't okay what happened." " None of it was okay." " Rachel..." "No, no, no, let me say it." "Cancel the wedding." "Tell her you can't marry her." "I love you." "I've always loved you." "And I should've told you a long time ago, but I'm telling you now before it's too late, before it's really too late." "You're not the only one who hasn't been living his life." "I haven't either, but I wanna live it now." "And I wanna live it with you." "I can't, Rachel." "I'm so sorry." "I can't." "[TELEPHONE RINGING]" "ETHAN [ON RECORDING]:" "Hey, it's Ethan." "Leave a message." "Cheers." "[MOUTHS] I'm sorry." "Wow, thank God you said sorry first, because that would've been embarrassing." " Heh-heh-heh." "Hi." " Hi." " Wow." "Are you trying to make me cry?" " Heh, heh." "Hey, so totally not a big deal, but, um, why are you here?" "I, uh, just needed to get away." "This close to the wedding?" "Darcy must be freaking out." "You're where?" "It is one week before my wedding, Rachel, and you're in London?" "RACHEL:" "I know." "Um, I, uh..." "I just need some time." "You're my maid of honor." " And you needed time?" " It's Rachel?" "DARCY:" "Are you kidding?" " I, um..." "Rachel, Rachel, the band you picked sucks." "The caterer is a nightmare." "You need to get back here right now." "Right now." " Darcy..." " Right now!" "No." "Wow." "What the fuck?" "Do you need me to be your maid of honor?" "Oh, my God." "I can do it." "I have dreamed about Darcy getting married almost my whole life." "But I don't know how to stand next to them while they promise those things." "While she says my words." "I still say you should've told Dex she was cheating." "No." "And, besides, I didn't want him to pick me by default." "I wanna be someone's first choice." "Yeah." "You are." "No, I know what you're saying." "I'm not his first choice." "Maybe you're someone's first choice." "What?" "You never wondered about me?" "I don't know how to say this." "Um..." "God, Rachel, I like you." "I've always liked you." "And when another guy came in the picture, I liked you even more." "You are home for me." "Wow." "That sounded crazy." "Heh." "Wow." "And that's probably what all this is." "I mean, it's probably just crazy." "It's not..." "It's not love." "Even though it kind of feels like it is." "Don't worry, I..." "My love's not really the overwhelming kind." "Jesus, when I'm in love, I, uh, drink rosé and watch Remains of the Day." "So..." "I don't know, Rachel." "Maybe it's just that I..." "Maybe it's just that I miss you." "But I think you fell in love with someone else." "And I think you still are." "[CHUCKLES]" "Oh, damn it." " I knew I should've gone for Claire." " Ha-ha-ha." " You still have a pump in every color." " Ha-ha-ha." "Yeah, every night, I put on my princess outfit." "[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]" "[DOOR OPENS]" "Oh, good, you're up." "Hey, Ethan?" "I'm going back." "Yeah, well, I think you and I both knew you weren't gonna miss that wedding." "No, I'm not going back for her." "This isn't who I am." "I can't do whatever I want and not care if I hurt anybody." "Besides, Darcy didn't do anything wrong." "I did." "Rachel, I can't hear this "Daddy hits me because he loves me" stuff anymore." "No, this isn't me being pathetic anymore." "I have always thought it was Darcy who took things from me but really it was just me who was giving everything up to her." "And Darcy may be whatever Darcy is." "I don't know what Darcy is, but she is my best friend." "And I want to be there for her." "So I'm going to that wedding." "Then you win." "How did you, uh...?" "Called your office." "I wanted to be here when you got home." "You have to go." "I can't do this anymore." "She deserves better." "So do you." "So do I." "I called off the wedding." "I told her I couldn't marry her." "When?" "Couple hours ago." "What did she say?" "What did she do?" "She's pretty upset." "Mostly about what people are gonna think." "Then she threw a few things." "Did you tell her about us?" "She asked if there was someone else." "I said no." "Because I'm not sure yet if there still is." "I don't know what to say." "I don't expect anything." "I don't deserve to expect anything." "I was afraid of hurting people." "And I just want to thank you for finally asking for what you wanted and for helping me to do the same." "I want to apologize for being such a moron outside that bar six years ago and outside the Jetty last week where I made the worst decision of my life." "Basically, you and I shouldn't have conversations outside bars anymore." "[BANGING ON DOOR]" "DARCY:" "Rachel." "Open up." " Darcy." "DARCY:" "Yes." "Open the door." "How did you get into the building?" "DARCY:" "There was a pizza guy and he let me in." "Who cares?" "Open the door." "I need to talk to you!" "Yeah, um..." " I'm just changing." "DARCY:" "Ugh!" "I've seen your ass." "Open the door." "I called off the wedding." " You did." " Well technically, Dex said it first, but I was thinking the same thing." "Wow." "I think I need some air to process that." "Wanna go for a walk?" "No." "I need to sit down." " Before I tell you what I came to tell you..." " Okay." "...I just wanna say that I'm not the only one of us who's being dishonest here." " What have I been dishonest about?" " Please." "Give me a little credit, Rachel." "Claire told me you were lying about Ethan." "I know for an absolute fact that you are not sleeping with Marcus." "So, what, you're making up stories to make me jealous?" "You know I'm more sexual than you." "I always have been." "I wasn't e..." "And there was never a..." "How did you know I never slept with Marcus?" "Well, um, you said he was circumcised." " Okay." " And he is not." "Marcus is the guy you slept with?" "That's what I wanted to tell you." " Can you get me some water?" " Wait, when?" "When did you sleep with him?" "Fourth of July." "Well, we were both lonely, and we were both drunk." "[FLOOR CREAKS NEARBY]" "And we both felt awful afterwards." "I mean, we promised right then and there that we would never do it again." "And we broke that promise, because we did it again." "A couple times." "You slept with him more than once?" "Oh, God." "Marcus and I have a..." "Sit." "Okay, Marcus and I have an extremely powerful connection." "It's like genetic." "Genetic." "Chemical?" "Whatever." "I'm not a word person." "Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, I'm gonna need you now more than ever." "I took a test." "You're pregnant?" "I am." "It's crazy." "I mean..." "And good." "I mean, Marcus has been amazing." "He is not what you think." "Yes, yes, he's a caveman, a total caveman." "But one time, he made a little splint for this little chipmunk with a broken leg." "Is that not the sweetest thing you've ever heard?" "Yeah." "I gotta go." "He's downstairs." "He's waiting." "But I love you so much." "It's crazy how things work out sometimes, huh?" "Bye." "[KNOCKING ON DOOR]" "Is that Dex's jacket?" "What is it doing here?" "Oh, he just left it at the restaurant." "I must've picked it up." "No." "No, he didn't, because he was wearing it today, so..." "What is it doing here?" "Darcy..." "Where is he?" "Darcy." "Where is he?" "Dex?" " Darcy." "Please, let's just..." " Dex!" "Dex?" " Dex?" " Darcy, no!" "Dex!" " You liar!" " Are you kidding me?" "You told me there was nobody in..." "You are pregnant!" "Are you pretending you're the wronged party here?" "Rachel?" "How could you do this to me?" "I never wanted to hurt you, Darcy." "I never wanted to hurt you!" " Rachel!" "How could you do this to me?" " Darcy, I never wanted to hurt you." "I hate you." "I hate you." "I hate you." "I never wanna speak to you again!" "Ever!" "Dude, you suck." "I'm telling Mom." "Wish me luck, dude." "Hey." "You look good." "I know." "Clearly, I'm gonna be one of those girls who only carries in my belly." "I bought him that shirt." "Darcy, I'm really sorry." "You're really sorry you slept with my fiancé?" "No, I'm sorry I hurt you." "You always were jealous of me." "Ever since I got into Notre Dame." "You're right." "Darcy, I miss you." "Every day." "You know, I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life so whatever." "I'm glad." "Rachel?" "I am, though." "Happy." "Good." "[CELL PHONE RINGING]" "Hey." "Where are you?" "I'll take this." "[BELLS GONGING]" "What'd I miss?" "What did I miss?" "Okay, okay." "DARCY:" "Ethan." "Ethan." "Ethan?" "Ethan!"