"[upbeat music]" "♪ ♪" " Okay, not a word about anything." "Final decision." " Five minutes ago she was in the circle of trust." "What just happened?" " Caitlin's gonna have enough cultural shock coming home without having to hear that her mother has a completely new identity." "And definitely don't mention Josh." " I don't even know what's going on with you two." " Mm, things are weird now that he knows that I'm 40." " J-Lo's in her 40s, and everybody in their right mind's trying to make it work with her." " 'Cause she's J-Lo." " You're as hot as J-Lo." " Well, you're as hot as Megan Fox." " [chuckles] Hon, let's never stop lying to each other, okay." "[gasps] - [gasps]" "Caitlin!" "All:" "Hi!" " [laughs]" " Hi!" " Hi, Caitlin!" "Oh, I've missed you so much." " Ah, hi, Mom." "Hi, Maggie." " Hi, give me a kiss." " Wow... both:" "Muah!" " Someone needs a shower." " I got it." " Mom, don't be so Western." "All right." "This is how human beings smell." " Oh... okay." "[upbeat pop music]" "♪ ♪" " Mom, I know it's only 9:00 a.m., but can we order pizza?" "Seriously, I've been having erotic dreams about pizza." "Like, I'm about to kiss a boy and then his tongue just turns into a slice." " Well, girl, you're back in the land of Seamless where you can order the pizza and the boy." " Yes." " Honey, will you sit down for a second?" "I want to share something with you." " Okay." " [sighs]" "So while you've been in India," "I've been going through a bit of an identity issue." " Mm." "Gay or transitioning?" " What?" " Into a man?" " No." "Why would you go there?" " Because you're tall, and Dad always said you had man hands." " When did he say that?" " I wouldn't care." "In India, they're known as hijras, and they're very accepted." "They're even legally recognized as a third gender on their passports, so." " Okay, that's good to know, but that's not my issue." " What is it, then?" " The issue is..." " [mouthing] No." " Brooklyn." " What?" " Yes." "Yes, that's it." "I love it." "I love it, and I just don't identify with New Jersey" "The way that I used to." " Well, Mom, that's really nice," "But right now I need to sleep excessively." "Like, for a week." "All right, can you please deliver the pizza to my bedroom?" "Thank you." " Wow, if she was okay with a sex change," "Maybe this won't be such a big deal." "[electronic pop music]" "♪ ♪" " So I'm about to pitch a book at morning meeting." "And I need your opinion." " Sure." " It's a Tumblr that's being shopped around." "And..." "[sighs]" "You got to tell me if you think I'm crazy." "[rock music]" "What do you think?" " Uh... so many things." " [chuckles] Come on." " [whispering] Wha..." "Oh, my God." " It's one of the most popular Tumblrs out there," "Written by a woman who's a freelance writer at "Jezebel."" "[laughter]" " Oh..." " Excuse me." "How exactly is this a book?" "It's pornographic Internet nonsense." " I mean, I wouldn't exactly classify oral sex as pornography" "Unless you're trying to throw us back" "To the "Let's ban 'Lolita'" era." " It's a list." "It's not literature." " I agree, but it is a fun, silly book" "That will sell" "To a young audience, which is what we're after." "Liza?" " Uh, yes." "I mean, it's like, uh, "Goodnight Moon" for adults..." "With blowjobs." " Yes." "[chuckles]" " Charles?" " I'd at least like to see some more positive thoughts." " Oh, of course." "Um..." "Number 69." "[laughter]" " Okay, that's a start." "[upbeat music]" " You're not seriously entertaining this?" " Well, it is entertaining," "But I'm not sure I can see it in the place" "That J.D. Salinger once called home." " [sighs] Oh, thank God." "Will I see you at the Bobby Flay meeting this afternoon?" "He's shopping his new cookbook." "I think it's important you say hello." " Damn, I forgot to mention Bobby wanted" "To move the meeting to his restaurant." "Um, can you make that dinner tonight?" " Um..." "I will have to check my calendar." "Probably have to rearrange a bunch of things, but..." "Mm-hmm." " Thank you." "[funky music]" "♪ ♪" " Liza, get in here, and shut the door." "♪ ♪" " Is something wrong?" " Charles just asked me to dinner." " He did?" " Yes, at Bobby Flay's restaurant." "We're going to meet him about his new cookbook." " Oh, so it's a business dinner." " Are you suggesting I think it's something more?" " Of course not." " I need you to download the menu and wine and cocktail list," "And make sure the barman knows how to make a dry negroni." " Absolutely." " And call Davide at Barney's." "He has my sizes." "I need something simple and stunning." " Calling." "[tongue clicks]" " I'm gonna show him what a perfect power couple we can be." "[electronic music]" "♪ ♪" " Nice try in there." "I just don't think it's Empirical." " I don't think you realize how commercial this is." " Swing and a miss." "Just, uh, just keep looking for the next Bjornberg." "♪ ♪" " So a Brunello Di Montalcino is aged at least four years," "Where a Rosso Di Montalcino is much younger and cheaper." " I think I like the Rosso better." " Are you in the wine business?" " No, I just drink a lot of it." "[all laugh]" " Okay, who's over 21 here?" " Hi, Mrs. Miller." " Hi, Mom." " We're not drinking." "We're just having a wine tasting." " Mm, Caitlin, why didn't you tell me" "Padma and Michaela were coming for dinner?" " Oh, no, Mom, you don't have to cook." "We're going out." " We missed out girl." "We drove in from New Jersey to surprise her." " Where are you guys gonna go?" " Uh, we're meeting some of Michaela's friends from NYU." "Are you ready?" " Yeah." " Yeah." "Okay." "Love you, Mom." " Love you too." " Thanks for the wine tasting." " We won't be out too late." " Nice to meet you." " We love your art." " Thank you." " Bye, Maggie." " Ciao." " Be safe." " Ugh, so cute." " Okay, what just happened there?" " Uh, that's your daughter having a life." "I suggest you do the same." " Wh... excuse me?" " Go see Josh." "You got to grab your moments while you can." " Ugh, I think I should give him more time." " Time to do what?" "Go meet somebody else?" " That might be for the best." "I mean, I..." "I worry that I really may not be" "The person that he fell in love with" " Liza, don't reject yourself." "Okay?" " Dude, come on." " No, dude, just wait..." " Ooh." "[chuckles]" " Ah!" " All right, stop." "Stop." " Nope." "Nope." "Not mid-mission." " Dude!" "[electronic video game buzzing]" "Ah, it's Liza." " What?" " She wants to do something tonight." " No, no, no, no, no, no, no." "The answer is no." " Dude, what is your problem?" " Wha... are you kidding me?" "She's a nut job." "She should be locked up in some sort of cougar prison." " Dude, that is..." "[laughs]" "That's not true." " Come on, man." "She stepped on your heart." "She destroyed your soul." "She's a sexual grifter." " Will you just give me my phone back?" " Fine..." "But don't expect me to be around to pick up the pieces." " [sighs]" " Can I eat the dumplings?" " Okay, I'm getting the three dots." "Will someone please explain the dots to me?" " I think the dots are when someone's typing or thinking." " Okay, now the dots went away." "There's nothing." " Oh, the dots can be very fickle." " They're back." "Yes!" "East River Bar at 9:00." "Oh, I don't know." "What if Caitlin comes home?" " Hm, don't worry." "I'll keep her distracted." "Nobody cock blocks mama." " [scoffs]" "[Courtney Barnett's "Pickles From A Jar" playing]" " ♪ We couldn't be more contrary if we tried ♪" "♪ ♪" " Hey, what's going on?" " Oh, um, I'm just waiting for my boyfriend." " No worries." "Mind if I wait with you?" " Uh, sure, but you might just have to get up when he gets here." " He's not gonna, like, beat me up if he sees me talking to you, right?" " [chuckles] I don't think so, but... ♪ ♪" " You looked lonely." " ♪ I say ooh, you say aah ♪" " Why are you so shy?" " [groans]" "I'm not shy." " Yeah, you are." "Sitting here by yourself like a little introvert." "I bet people think that you're snobby, but you're really just quiet, right?" " Mm, you nailed me." " Yeah." " I like quiet girls." "You know, quiet's the new sexy." " Mm." " So why don't you come out of that hard shell and tell me what else I should know about you?" " My daughter just came home from college, and I'm in my 40s." " I saw my friends, so..." "I got to go, but take it easy." " ♪ I say "you," you say "am I" ♪" "♪ ♪" "♪ You like mornings, I like nights ♪" "♪ ♪" "♪ I love you till the day I die ♪ [big band music]" " How is your habanero-glazed yellowtail?" " Delicious, I think this is the first time that a client's ever wined and dined me." " We need to sign more chefs." " Yeah, we do." "I, actually, don't know if you're aware of the statistics, but the sale of physical cookbooks..." "Stronger than ever." " Of course." " Yeah, it's a real bright spot out there." "That's why it's worth the effort to sign Flay." " I think he's gonna find the combination of us as a team hard to resist." " Yeah." "That and the money." " [laughs]" "Do you ever cook for yourself, Charles?" " Uh, no, not in the city," "But I love to barbecue" "At the house in Pound Ridge." "How about you?" " Oh, sure, yeah." " I like to bake, grill," "Spit roast." "Show me a nice piece of meat, I can't keep my hands off it." "♪ ♪" "You should invite me up to Pound Ridge sometime." "I'll show you what I mean." " Uh..." " Peppercorn shrimp." " Oh, that looks wonderful." " Delicious." " Mm... oh." "Um, Charles, I just want to say," "Regardless of what happens with Bobby," "It has been so nice spending quality time with you." "♪ ♪" " Diana, I think you have a..." "One of your, um..." "You have a little bit of, um..." " Hey, guys." " Oh." " Sorry I kept you waiting." "How's dinner?" " Oh, simply sensational." "You are a genius." " I was just telling Diana" "What an enormous fan I am of yours, Bobby." ""Boy Meets Grill" is my Bible." " Oh." "Oh, my God." " Yeah, you chipped your tooth." "Didn't you?" "Yeah, on a peppercorn?" "My peppercorn shrimp?" " You know, I have weak teeth." "It's, um, my family's from England," "On my mother's side." " Yeah, I... you know what." "Actually, I know a dentist." "She works in midtown." "She works nights." "I'm gonna go call her right now." " Bobby, you..." "Bobby." " That's not necessary." "[sighs]" "♪ ♪" "I'm..." "So sorry." " Uh, excuse me." "I'm sorry." "I'm saving this seat." " Can my ass save it for you?" "[all laugh]" " Uh..." "Actually, uh, my boyfriend, he's on his way." "He'll be here any minute." " Don't be such a bitch." " I'm not being a bitch." " [scoffs]" " ♪ I don't need you anymore ♪" "♪ Well, we made our plans with you ♪" "♪ Let 'em all fall through ♪" "♪ You took my hand, and I put my trust in you ♪" "♪ Then you let go ♪" " Charles, it's very nice of you to come with me." "It's really not necessary." " It's not a problem." "I just want to make sure that someone's here." " Such a gentleman." "[chuckles]" "I feel like a toothless Cinderella." "[chuckles]" " Hello." " Dr., uh, Sarkisian?" " Yes." "Please, come in." "Is this okay?" " I'm... it's fine." "I really have no gag reflex." " Okay, open." "What did you try to do?" "Crack a walnut?" "Your wife did some damage here." " Uh, no, no, no, no." "Um, not my wife," "A business associate." "We were having a business dinner." " Oh, I was wondering where that ring was." " Nope, single." " Same here." "It's not easy to date when you work late nights." " Well, I'm sure there are lots of men who wouldn't mind" "Waiting up for you, Dr. Sarkisian." " [chuckles] Unless they happen to wander" "Into my office with a dental emergency," "I'm not meeting them," "And it's Lisa." " Charles." " Yeah, it's re..." " Please." "Keep still." "[upbeat music]" "♪ ♪" " I just can't believe it." "I knew he couldn't handle my age," "But what kind of a person stands someone up" "And breaks up with them with a text?" "How about telling me you can't make it work" "Before I get a beer spilled all over me" "By a bunch of drunk mean girls?" " Look, he's in his 20s." "He's not so mature," "And he can't process all of his emotions." "You knew that was the risk in telling him the truth." " Yeah, but I had to tell him." "And you know what, maybe I deserved that tonight." " [scoffs]" " Besides, it's one less thing" "I have to explain to Caitlin... who, by the way," "I should never have let go out tonight by herself." " Uh, she just spent the past six months in India." "I'm pretty sure she can manage Brooklyn." " Yeah, I'm gonna wait up for her." " [sighs] Muah." "I'm sorry, it'll all feel better in the morning." " Mm, it's fine." "It's time to move on." " Night." "[soft music]" " Ugh." "♪ ♪" "[mellow music]" "[pop music]" "♪ ♪" " How was dinner last night?" " About as enjoyable as a root canal." " Oh, I'm sorry." "How was the food?" " Stop grilling me, Liza!" "[phone ringing] [pop music]" " Hello, Diana Trout's office." "It's a Dr. Sarkisian for you?" "[quirky music]" "♪ ♪" " Hello?" " Diana, it's Dr. Sarkisian." "I'm just checking in on you." "How is that temp holding up?" " It seems fine so far." "Thank you for your call." " Of course." "My patients are like family to me." "Just remember to eat soft foods for the next few days." " I won't forget." "Now, if you'll excuse me, I..." " Can I ask you a favor?" " Of course." " Would you mind transferring me to Charles?" "[knock on door]" " Liza, transfer this call" "To Time Warner Cable customer service." "Charles." " We got the book." " What?" " I think that Bobby" "Felt so bad about everything he's signing with us." " [sputters]" "What a night." " Good job, tooth." " Good job... tooth." " Damn it." "♪ ♪" " Is everything okay?" " "100 Things Women Think About While Giving Blowjobs"" "Just sold to Little Brown." " You've got good instincts." " Yeah, but I hate to lose." " I know the feeling." "I think I lost last night." " What?" "Josh?" " Mm." " Off again?" " Stood me up at a bar" "And broke up with me with a text." " That's really lame." " [chuckles]" "It's okay." " On again, off again." "Classic." "It's all gonna get better in our 30s." " [chuckles] [sighs] Yeah... [funky music]" "♪ ♪" " [sighs]" "♪ ♪" " So the green one, I think, would be perfect on my mom." "Right?" " Oh, she's gonna love that." " Hey." " Mom!" "Sorry I missed you last night." "You were asleep when I got home." " Yeah, you guys definitely got back late." "Did you have fun?" " Oh, the best time." "[giggles]" " What is it you wanted to show me?" " Oh, okay." "Are you ready?" " Yes." " [squeals]" "♪ Ta-da ♪ [giggles] [tense music]" "It's "namaste" in Sanskrit," "To commemorate my time in India." "Isn't it gorgeous?" "What do you think?" " Where did you get that?" " Ugh, from the hottest guy." "He owns this place called, um..." "Inkburg." "Just a couple blocks from here." " Did you see this?" " Oh, yeah." "Mm." " Are you mad?" " Please don't be mad." " Uh, not at you." "Excuse me." " Mom, where are you going?" "Mom, you can't just go yell at the tattoo guy." "[rock music]" "♪ ♪ [rock music] [knocking] [rock music]" " Hey, you." "You okay?" " No, I am not okay." " Whoa..." " You gave my daughter a tattoo last night." " What're you talking about?" " Namaste." " [laughs]" "Oh, my..." "Oh, my God." "I..." "I did not know that that was your daughter." "I... there were four girls." "They all came in here at the same time." "I..." "I had no idea." " Yep, right on the side boob in Sanskrit." " Yeah." " Marked for life." " [groans]" " Thank you very much." "And then you stood me up at a bar" "And broke with me with a text, which I guess I deserve," "But it still made me feel like crap." " Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." "I didn't stand you up," "And I definitely didn't break up with you." " Oh, no?" "Sorry, can't make it work." " Babe..." "Uh, it's, "Sorry."" ""Can't make it."" ""Work."" "You know, on account of the four girls" "That just barged into my shop." " Have you ever heard of punctuation?" " I mean, I thought the meaning was pretty obvious." " Well, not at the time." " Yeah, I see that." " So you didn't mean to break up with me?" " No." " Good, 'cause I was really sad thinking that's what happened." " Good," " Oh..." " Good," "I'm sorry... about everything." "[Koudlam's "See You All" plays]" "Is there any chance" "I can try and make it up to you?" "♪ ♪" " I only have time for a quickie apology." " Mm." "Quickies are my specialty." " [chuckles]" "♪ ♪" " ♪ I can't see you all ♪" "♪ Take him down ♪" "♪ A river feels like a holy ♪" "♪ I can't see you all ♪" "♪ See you all if you're on me ♪" "♪ I say, "Hey" ♪" "♪ "I want you, girl" ♪"