"NARRATOR:" "In the fall of 2009, a new couple had moved in upstairs." "We hadn't met them yet, but we could hear them, all the time." "They were always..." "Well, kids, let's just say they were always" ""playing the bagpipes."" "Okay, this is ridiculous." "I can't believe those two are still bagpiping." "I know." "It's been six hours." "Must be that tantric bagpiping that Sting is into." "She keeps yelling out for him to play the bagpipes harder, but it sounds like he's bagpiping her pretty hard." "There's a glass of water in my bedroom that's vibrating like Jurassic Park." "You have neighbors!" "Shut the bagpipes up!" "I decided to go to the bar to get some peace and quie" "That didn't work out so well." "Ted, I hate to have to be the one to tell you this." "Marshall and Lily are getting a divorce." "No, they're not." "Just listen to what I witnessed yesterday." "Baby, you mind washing that?" "No problem." "I should go." "She makes him wash his dishes right away, Ted." "I give 'em two, maybe, three weeks tops." "Barney, that's not a big deal." "And it's certainly not a big enough deal for you to be holding my hands." "They're in big trouble, Ted." "I see what's going on." "You, my friend, are suffering from a little known condition" ""little known" because I just made it up-- called New Relationship Smugness." "You and Robin are in the honeymoon phase." "Everything's perfect." "Every song on the radio's about you." "Every other couple sucks." "Enjoy it." "N.R.S. doesn't last forever." "It does when you're this awesome." "Hey, check it out." "Robin and I have been keeping a tally of how many beds we've done it in." "We're up to 83-and-a-half." "A half?" "19 century ottoman in an antique shop." "Hey." "Hey, what'up?" "Hey, tiger." "How ya holding up?" "Do you need a hug?" "You want to talk about yesterday?" "Safe space." "Barney thinks Lily asking you to wash your dishes right away is a sign your marriage is crumbling." "What?" "Why?" "Lily likes a clean sink, so I do the dishes right away;" "what's the big deal?" "I'll tell you what the big deal is." "You know how I was always the best at being single?" "No." "No." "Well, now I am the best at relationships." "Even better than you and Lily." "Aw, look at you." "Had a girlfriend for five minutes, you think you can play with the big boys-- adorable." "Son..." "I've been in a relationship since you had a ponytail and were playing Dave Matthews on your mama's Casio." "I'm a good boyfriend in my sleep." "I can rock a killer foot rub with one hand and brew a kick-ass pot of chamomile in the other that would make you weep." "Hell," "I've forgotten more about microwaving fat-free popcorn and watching" "Sandra Bullock movies than you'll ever know, but thanks for your concern, rook." "Mashall, let me ask you one question." "Sure." "Do you mind if there is sink full of dirty dishes?" "Not really." "Then it's Lily's problem, not yours." "Yeah, but if I said that to her, it would only lead to a fight, so..." "Oh." "You fight." "See, Robin and I never fight." "Of course you do." "No." "And here's the secret:" "evy time it looks like we're about to get into a fight..." "Um, why is there a bag of panties labeled "April 2008" in your closet?" "So any time you think you might have a fight you just get up and leave?" "100% effective." "Can't fight if you're not there." "at's what Gandhi taught us." "Boy, that'not true." "I can't believe that Robin puts up with that." "Oh, don't worry." "She's got a great way to avoid fights, too." "Um, are ties machine washable?" "No, they most ceainly are not." "Why?" "What is in your hand?" "Oh, my God, what's in your hand?" "!" "Okay, so you walk away." "Robin gets naked." "Those are the two stupidest ways to handle conflict I've ever heard." "Actually, the naked thing ain't ba" "That felt kind of weird." "Okay, call me crazy." "a problem comes up, Lily and I actually talk about it." "There are so many great things to do withhe human mouth." "Why waste it on talking?" "But if you insist, here's what I would say about the dishes if I were Lily's husband." "Barney, you're home!" "Get to the point!" "All right." "Thanks, doll." "Sweetie, are you going to wash that?" "I'm glad you bring that up." "No." "And here's why." "Lily, I know you don't like a dirty sink." "But does that make it my job to keep it clean?" "I mean, if one day" "I lookp at the living room ceiling and ink, "Hey, I'd like a replica of the Sistine Chal up there."" "would it be your job to paint it?" "Well, no." "Of course not." "Exactly!" "So, baby, by the same logic, if you don't like looking at a sink full of dishes," "Wow." "Thanks for explaining that." "I get so confused." "That's because you're a woman." "I don't even know why we're laughing!" "Of course you don't." "You're kidding me with this." "Hang on, Ted." "Let's ar the man out." "Once I have her attention, it's time to bring out the big guns." "Look, I love you." "But, baby, with the little energy I have left after work," "I want to shower you with love, not wash some silly dishes." "You're right." "I'll do the dishes." "Right after I do this." "Oh, yeah." "Now turn around." "Fi." "Oh, yeah." "Are you going to hit him or should I?" "He's right." "No, he's not." "Marshall, lookt me." "Do not get drawn into Barney Stinson's circus tent of funhouse mirrors and flawed logic." "This is exactly how you got the earring back in '03." "Hey, that earring looked cool." "It did look cool, didn't it?" "Marsll, stay with me!" "Barney is wrong." "No, he isn't." "I hate doing my dishes right away." "You just said you don't mind!" "I hate it, Ted!" "I hate it with a boundless, burning fury!" "I ha it, I hate it, I hate it!" "You're welcome." "Hey, guys." "Hey." "Oh, good." "There you are." "You'll tell me the truth." "Barney says that you two never fight." "Huh." "I guess that's true." "Told ya." "No way." "I love you both, but you are the two most emotionally ill-equipped individuals in the history of relationships." "You two must have had at least one fight." "You know what?" "We did." "Aha!" "ROBIN:" "Mm-hmm." "There was one small dispute about which one of us was morawesome." "Speaking of which, I am so gla we're going skiing this weekend." "I need a break." "The upstairs neighbors are driving me crazy." "Yeah, it's bad." "m gonna say something to them." "Thanyou." "Great." "Okay, we all have our assignments r the weekend." "Ted, you're going to stand up to your neighbors." "Marshall, you're going to stand up to Lily." "And Robin, I'm gonna need yo in sort of a crouched position on the bear-skin rug at our ski chalet." "Ready?" "Break!" "Bye, guys.Bye." "Have fun." "Barney." "With his crazy, well- thought-out theories that probably would work." "Marsll, I'm just gonna say this one more time." "It's a bad ide" "I think it could work." "Okay, two more times." "It's a bad idea." "Listen, Barney lays out some logical points" "Lily is a reasonable woman." "I think th if I explain it to her, she'llet it and I'll get my way." "Uh, no." "She'll get mad, and yoll get in a huge fight." "Slap bet?" "ap bet." "Baby, could youwa sh your dishes?" "Lily, I'm glad that you bring that up." "Can I stay here tonight?" "The ski bunnies are back!" "(both laughing) Hey, guys." "(smooching loudly) How was your trip?" "So perfect." "We just spent the whole weekend cuddling by the re." "No black diamonds, but a lot of red hearts." "Aw..." "Okay, I'm gonna go unpack." "Hey, you." "Yeah?" "Oh, man." "What the hell has gotten into you two?" "When did you become so nauseating?" "Isn't it great to finally see her fulfilled emotionally, spiritually and sexually?" "Um, I dated her for a year." "Yeah." "Anyway, w was your weekend?" "Terrible, and it's all your fault, okay?" "I took your stup advice!" "Baby, could you wash your dishes?" "Lily, I'm glad th you bring that up." "No, and here is why..." "Okay." "So, it's like this, okay?" "Yeah, sure." "You wa me to go ahead and wash my dish." "But maybe..." "I nt you... to pai the ceiling, right?" "Like, maybe I should say," ""Okay, yeah." "I'll wash my dish" ""if you get up the and just--you paint naked babies on the ceiling."" "You know?" "It just like..." "I don't know what happened." "I'm a lawyer." "I argue for a living, but when it comes to Lily, I just get all. flustered." "How could you not?" "I an, the girl's all eyes and boobs." "What happened to the "I'm tired after my draining day, showering you with love" argument?" "I should have written that down." "Look, Lily, I..." "I make more money than you." "Excuse me?" "!" "Dance for me." "Oh, Marshall." "Dude." "It all made so much sense when you said it, but when I said it, iturned into a fight." "And ce Lily and I start fighting, the fight starts to mutate and multly." "MARSHALL:" "Sure, it started with the dishes, but then..." "So you're saying that you shouldn't have to wash dishes because you work harder than me?" "Okay, that's not what I'm saying-- but it's true." "And th all of sudden, we're also fighting about who works harder." "I am molding the future leaders of tomorrow." "And soon morfights spin off." "I can't believe you'd rather be killed..." "Until there are more fights going on than you can even keep track of." "If you need to go in t middle of the night, either turn the bathroom light on or sit down." "My mother does not hate you." "She is neutral about you." "I am not scared of your Shining impression." "I just don need to hear it, especially at night." "(gravelly voice):" "Danny's not here," "Mrs. Torrance." "Please don't do that." "Man, Ly fights dirty." "She's small but vicious like aadger that your brother's caught and starved for ve days and then put in your sleeng bag." "I should just go home and apologize." "No." "What you need is a surge." "Fight harder." "Picture it, Marshall, never having to wash another dish as long as you live, yet all the dishes aralways clean." "Why, this would take all thanxiety out of snacking." "No more holding open your shirt to form a makeshift bowl for yo salty treats." "That world is yours, Marshall." "dip it in some ranch dressing, enjoy." "Yes, right." "No!" "rney's stupid ideas are what got you into this quagmire." "There's noxit strategy." "Just wash your stupid dishes." "No!" "Those dishes are my manhood!" "And I want to leave my manhood dirty in the sink, caked with ketchup and pasta..." "What are you eating?" "...then damn it, that's my rit!" "I'll wash my manhood when I'mood and ready!" "Where was he not sitting?" "Hey, Barnstormer." "He Ro-Ro." "Ooh!" "Okay, now you have adorable nicknames?" "Seriously, what's going on with your two?" "Nothing." "We're just happy." "It's like Gandhi said," ""A smile don't cost nothing, gar." Mm-hmm." "I'm not sure you know whGandhi is." "So, um, Ted, did you talk to our neighbors?" "Yes, yeah, I did." "I went up therready to set them straight." "They're old?" "Really old." "So what did you do?" "Well, didn't have the heart to tell them to stop, because, well, good for them." "So I just weomed them to the building, had a hard candy, nodded politely at some racist comments and then left." "Over the next couple of days" "Barney and Robin continued to be happier than ever." "And Marshall and Lily continued to fight." "I don't care if the dishes aren't done." "Okay, if you care, you do it." "Great." "Then I don't care if you have an orgasm." "If you care, you do it." "I went 18 years without the touch of a woman." "can do it again." "You might have to." "And I continued to hear more bagpiping than a St. Patty's Day parad" "I don't know what to do." "Lily and I have never had a fight this long." "It's like I don't even exist." "On Sunday morning, she made pancake, Ted." "Pancake and bacon strip." "It's your own fault." "You took relationship advice from Barney." "Well, maybe Barney has it all figured out." "He and Ro-Ro are the best couple now." "Lily and I have been dethroned." "You know what, I'm not buying i" "All that cutesy, lovey-dovey crap, that's not them." "And I know for a factthat Robin hates ni" "Thanks, Robbsy-wobbsy." "Yeah, I dot do nicknames." "Finished with the sports page, Sherbs?" "Seriously, stop." "Hey, Robin, it's T-Mose." "Yeah, I don't like them on you either." "Well, she obviously likes them now." "And, come on somebody had to put an end to T-Mose." "No, T-Mose w awesome." "I'm thinking of bringing it back." "Bagpiping sounds a little different today." "It's all echo-y." "Yeah." "They're in the bathroom." "I think they're bagpiping on the shower chair." "And just like that, I realized exactly how to get the real scoop on Barney and Robin." ", hey, Ted." "How are Marshall and Lily?" "I worry about those two, I really do." "You and your big, giant heart." "Okay, enough." "The jig is up." "Ted, whatever do you mean?" "Who's this guy?" "We'll get to that." "You see, I knew something was wrong." "u two were too happy, too shiny, too nickname-y." "Didn't add up." "You two never fight?" "Horse apples." "You fight all... the. time." "How would you know that?" "Who the hell is Phil?" "Your downstairs neighbor." "Hi." "I'm Phil. 12-B." "So Phil tells me that Ro-Ro and the Barnstormer have been fighting... a lot." "Care to explain?" "Okay." "Everything was going great." "Our no-fighting techniques were working perfectly until we went on thatki trip last weekend." "So I showed Marshall that Lily's argument was bananas and now he'll never have to wash another dish." "High two." "That's terrible advice." "You agree with Lily?" "You..." "BARNEY:" "Oh, no." "We're about to get in a fight, and I can't run away." "ROBIN:" "I can't take my clothes off." "It's freezing up here." "I get hypothermia." "Maybe I can jump it?" "Maybe just my pants?" "This no-fighting thing is over, huh?" "I think so." "How could you possibly agree with Lily?" "!" "I can't believe that you made Lily get in a fight about this!" "She's shortethan him!" "And it didn't end there." "We've been fighting ever since." "All those fightse kept not having-- they all came back around." "The tie Robin murdered." "The tiny camera I founding th" "That's how a quarterback sts sharp." "Monday morning, he sits on a bag of ic and studies the game tape." "Barney for the millionth time..." "You don't get to be as good as I am..." "using football analogies... without reviewingthe fundamentals and studying technique!" "does not make it any less creepy." "I knew it!" "I knew you guys were acting too cute and perfect!" "Look, we were just sick of everyone pointing out how crappy a relationships we both are." "Yeah, it was sort of nice to be the perfect couplefor a" "TED:" "I knew you were lying." "You got to wake up pretty early to slip one by the T-Mose." "Stop it." "LILY (singsong voice):" "Marshall, dinner's ready." "Did you-- did you make any for me?" "No, but it's your favorite." "(sighing):" "Hey." "We need your advice." "NARRATOR:" "So Barney and Robin toldLily and M I about their fighting." "And let's just say, that in comparison, their little dishes spat seemed pretty tame." "And byhe end," "Lily and Marshall both had the same reaction." "I'll wash my dishes right away from now until the day I die." "I don't care when you wash the dishes." "But if it's something chse-based like a nice ziti, at least soak it, okay?" "Of course, baby." "Oh, I love you." "I love you, too." "ROBIN:" "See?" "Right there, how did you just do that?" "How'd you just fix everything?" "I don't know." "I guess sometimes you just have to set your ego aside." "Yeah." "An-And remember at the love that you have for that other person is way more important than winning." "More important than winning" "Stop, op it." "Seriously, what's the secret?" "Okay, look, the honeymoon period may be over, but now you can get into the real stuff." "And honestly, that's the best part." "Good night." "So what do we do now?" "I guess we got to start talking more and get into the real stuff." "Yeah." "Or there's a bench in the elevator." "Ooh, that's better." "Mm-hmm." "Hey, swhat if we're not the best couple in the world?" "Totally." "It's not a competition." "No." "We win!" "Best couple in the world!" "Whoo, yeah!" "Whoo, yeah!" "Guess what?" "These glasses are plastic." "So we can just throw them away." "That means no dirty dishes in the sink." "Mm, you're dirty." "Maybe I shouldeave you in the sink." "NARRATOR:" "And once tt first argument got worked out, all those other arguments, well, they got better, too."