"Ladies and gentlemen, the driving force behind Catholicism WOW!" "Cardinal Glick." "Thank you." "Now we all know how the majority... and the media in this country... view the Catholic church." "They think of us as a passé, archaic institution." "People find the Bible obtuse... even hokey." "Now, in an effort to disprove all that... the Church has appointed this year as a time of renewal... both of faith and of style." "For example, the crucifix." "While it has been a time-honored symbol of our faith..." "Holy Mother Church has decided to retire... this highly recognizable... yet wholly depressing image... of our Lord, crucified." "Christ didn't come to Earth to give us the willies." "He came to help us out." "He was a booster, and it's with that take on our Lord in mind... that we've come up with a new, more inspiring Sigil." "So, it is with great pleasure that I present you with the first... of many revamps the Catholicism Wow!" "campaign... will unveil over the next year, I give you..." ""The Buddy Christ."" "That's not the sanctioned term we're using for the symbol." "Just something we've been kicking around the office." "But look at it." "Doesn't it pop?" "Buddy Christ." "Well, there you have it." "Let me get this straight." "You don't believe in God because of Alice in Wonderland?" "No, Through the Looking Glass." "That poem, "The Walrus and the Carpenter"... that's an indictment of organized religion." "The Walrus, with his girth and his good nature... he obviously represents either Buddha... or with his tusks, the Hindu elephant god, Lord Ganesha." "That takes care of your Eastern religions." "Now, the Carpenter, which is an obvious reference to Jesus Christ... who was raised a carpenter's son, he represents the Western religions." "Now, in the poem, what do they do?" "They dupe all these oysters into following them... and then proceed to shuck and devour the helpless creatures en masse." "I don't know what that says to you, but to me it says... that following these faiths based on mythological figures... ensures the destruction of one's inner-being." "Organized religion destroys who we are... by inhibiting our actions, by inhibiting our decisions... out of fear of some intangible parent figure... who shakes a finger at us from thousands of years ago... and says, "Do it..." "Do it and I'll fuckin' spank you!"" "Oh, Jesus!" "The way you put it, I've never really thought about it like that before." "What have I been doing with my life?" " What am I?" " Yeah, I know." "Listen, my advice to you... you take this money that you've been collecting for your parish... go get yourself a nice dress, fix yourself up." "Find some man... find some woman... you can connect with, even for a moment... 'cause that's really all life is, Sister... a series of moments." "Why don't you seize yours?" "That a girl." "You know, here's what I don't get about you." "You know for a fact that there is a God." "You've been in His presence." "He's spoken to you personally." " Yet I heard you claim to be atheist." " I like to fuck with the clergy, man." "I just love it." "I love to keep those guys on their toes." "Here's what I don't get about you." "Why do you feel the need to come to this place all the time?" "My friend, because this is humanity at its best." "Look at them." "All that anger, all that mistrust, all that unhappiness... forgotten for that one perfect moment when they get off the plane." "See those two?" "What that guy doesn't know is that the girl cheated on him while she was away." " She did?" " Twice." " Nice." " But it doesn't matter right now... 'cause they're just both so relieved to be with one another." "I like that." "I wish they all could feel that way more often." "Is this why I had to come down here and miss my fucking cartoons?" "You call me, you tell me it's important." "What, to share in your half-assed obsession with Hallmark moments?" "We're going home." "Somebody sent us this in the mail." "Take it and quit leering at me." "People will think I just broke up with you." " You said we're going home, didn't you?" " Read." ""Cardinal Glick Cuts Ribbon On Catholicism Wow!" "Campaign."" "And?" "You have to keep reading." ""The rededication of St. Michael's Church..."" "...is the kickoff of a new campaign which seeks to bring..." "Catholicism into the mainstream." "With a papal sanction, the archway entrance... of the century-old Jersey shore house of worship... will serve as a passageway of plenary indulgence... a little-known Catholic belief offering all that passes through its arches... a morally clean slate." "For Sunday News Brief, I'm Grant Hicks." "All I gotta do, I walk through the arch thing, and then I can go back home?" "No." "By walking through the archway, all your sins are forgiven." " Then all we have to do is die." " Die?" "I don't wanna die." " You rather hang around here?" " No." "We don't know if we can die." "But what if we can and then the arch thing doesn't work?" "What then, Hell?" "Fuck that." "It's impossible." "If we cut off our wings... and transubstantiate to complete human form, we become mortal." "If we die with clean souls, there's no way they can keep us out." "We won't be angels anymore, but at least we get to go home." " Who sent the paper?" " Who cares who sent the paper?" "All that matters is that after all these years, we found a loophole." "He can't keep us out anymore." "Once we're back in, it'll be forgive and forget." "But this thing, this is Church law." "It's not Divine Mandate." "Church laws are fallible because they're created by man." "One of the last sacred promises imparted to Peter, the first pope... by the Son of God before He left was..." " "Whatever you hold true on Earth..." - "I'll hold true in Heaven."" "It's dogmatic law." "If the Church says it's so, God must adhere." "This thing has a papal sanction..." "Let it never be said your anal retentive attention to detail... never yielded positive results." "You can't be anal retentive if you don't have an anus." "Outstanding work!" "There's just one thing I think we gotta do before we leave." "This is gonna help us get back on His good side." "What?" "Here." "I've been dreaming about this for five years." "Read that." ""Mooby, the Golden Calf." "Creating an Empire Out of Simplicity."" "I wanna hit 'em." "You really are just a simple creature." "We finally find a way back and you want to jeopardize that... because you've got a soft spot for the good ol' days." "What better way to repent than by resuming the position I once denied... thanks to you?" "I don't think a killing spree is gonna make things better for us." "Killing spree?" "I'm talking about Divine Justice here." "I'm talking about reigning down fire and brimstone, punishing the wicked." "He's all about that." "I know He'd want this done." "There hasn't been an Angel of Death since you quit." "Doesn't that mean anything to you?" "And besides, what if you're wrong, like you always are?" "If I'm wrong... which I'm not..." "it's not gonna matter." "We're gonna pass through your arch thing anyway." "We're gonna be forgiven." "No harm, no foul." "Well, He does hate competition." "I will say that." "And your Mooby certainly falls under that heading." "Where is this church we have to go to?" "New Jersey." "Rededication ceremony is in four days." "Last four days on Earth?" "If I had a dick, I'd go get laid." " We can do the next best thing." " What's that?" "Let's kill people." "Oh, not you." "The greater Illinois Chapter of the Right to Life Foundation... will be holding its biannual softball game... against the Cook County..." "Pro-Choice League next Sunday at 2:00." "Today's second collection will be donated... to the John Doe Jersey Life Fund." "For those of you who haven't been following the news... an unidentified homeless man... who was accosted and severely beaten at the New Jersey shore last Tuesday... lies in critical, but stable condition in one of that area's hospitals." "He lacks identification... and police have had no luck tracking down any possible family." "The archbishop of the Trenton diocese has disputed the state's decision... to remove the indigent man from life-support systems... asking that Catholics all over the country... join in this protest against euthanasia." "Well, now please rise for the recession of faith." "We believe in one God, the Father Almighty..." "Maker of Heaven and Earth." "We believe in Jesus Christ, His only Son, Our Lord..." "Choose life!" "You're gonna burn in Hell, ya fuckin' baby killer!" "Holy shit." "It's the pope." " Huh?" " Where?" "What are you talking about?" "Jesus!" "You're a Catholic." "Can't you talk to them?" "They hate me more than you, no doubt." "At least you have an excuse." "You're Jewish." "You don't know any better." "We already used that excuse when we killed Christ." "Where were you yesterday?" "We went to brunch." "I went to church." "That still kills me, you and church." "If only they knew your weekly tithing came from a Planned Parenthood check." "I don't know why I still go, Liz." "I can remember going to church when I was young and being moved." "Now I sit there every Sunday and I feel nothing." "I don't think I have any faith left." "Remember that seminary student I tried to set you up with?" "The 20-year-old." "The one I could have baby-sat for in high school." "The point is, he told me something." "He said that faith is like a glass of water." "When you're young, the glass is little, so it's easy to fill." "As you get older, the glass gets bigger." "The same amount of liquid doesn't fill it anymore." "But periodically the glass has to be refilled." "You're suggesting I need to get filled?" "In more ways than one." "You need to get laid, Bethany Sloane." "You need a man, if only for 10 minutes." "It's been my experience that the average male is never a man... not even for ten minutes in his entire life span." "That sounds militant." "Are you thinking of joining the other side?" "Couldn't do it." "Women are insane." "Then you need to go back to church and ask God for a third option." "I think God is dead." "The sign of a true Catholic." "Good afternoon, Mrs. Reynolds." "I'm from the EPA." "We're checking on possible freon leaks." "Tell me, do you have air conditioning?" "Yes, we have central air." "In every room?" "Except the bathroom." "Why?" "Well, you do know what that means, don't you?" "Move!" "No pleasure, no rapture, no exquisite sin greater... than central air." "Pick that up." "This will be the base of operations from here on in." "Now, if I remember the protocol correctly... the powers... will attempt to contact the last scion." "I need you three... to shuffle her loose the mortal coil." "Go." "Behold the Metatron!" "Herald of the Almighty and voice of the one true God!" "Behold the Metatron!" "Herald of the Almighty and voice of the one true God!" "Sweet Jesus!" "Do you have to use the whole can?" "Who the fuck are you and what the fuck are you doing in my room?" "I'm the one that's soaked and she's the one that's surly." "That's rich." "Stupid fucking..." "Get the fuck out of here, now!" "Or you'll do what exactly?" "Hit me with that fish?" "Now, just sit down on the bed and shut up." "Jesus wept!" "Look at my suit." "Just take whatever you want, but don't kill or rape me." "Give over!" "I couldn't rape you if I wanted to." "Angels are ill-equipped." "See?" "I'm as anatomically-impaired as a Ken doll." "Make yourself useful and give me that towel." "You bottom-feeders and your arrogance." "You think everybody's just trying to get in your knickers." "What are you?" "I'm pissed off is what I am." "Do you drench everyone who comes in your room with flame-retardant chemicals?" "No wonder you're single." "Stand back." "As I was sayin'... prior to your fire-fighting episode..." "I am the Metatron." "Don't tell me the name doesn't ring a bell?" "You people." "If there isn't a movie about it, it's not worth knowing, is it?" "I am a seraphim." "The highest choir of angels." "You do know what an angel is, don't you?" "Metatron acts as the voice of God." "Any documented occasion when some yahoo claims that God has spoken to them... they're speaking to me." "Or they're talking to themselves." "Why doesn't God speak for Himself?" "Glad you decided to join the conversation." "To answer that... human beings have neither the aural, nor the psychological capacity... to withstand the awesome power of God's true voice." "Were you to hear it, your mind would cave in and your heart would explode." "We went through five Adams before we figured that one out." "Well, how do I know you're an angel?" "Aside from the fiery entrance and the expansive wingspan?" "You want more proof?" "Fine." "How about tequila?" " Where the hell are we?" " Only place you can go for good tequila." "Dos tequilas, por favor, and an empty glass." "We're in Mexico?" "Actually, we're in a franchised Mexican family eatery... down the street from your apartment, but... it's impressive nonetheless." "You don't mind I lost the wings, do you?" "I'm trying to keep our profile low." "What do you want with me?" "I am to charge you with a holy crusade." "For the record, I work in an abortion clinic." "Noah was a drunk." "Look what he accomplished." "And no one's asking you to build an ark." "All you gotta do is go to New Jersey... and visit a small church on a very important day." "New Jersey?" "That doesn't sound like much of a crusade." "Aside from the fine print, that's it." "What's the fine print?" "Stop a couple of angels from entering and thus negating all existence." "Wait, wait, wait." "Repeat that." "Stop a couple of angels from entering... and thus negating all existence." "I hate it when people need it spelled out for them." "You might want to clarify that." "Back in the old days, God was vengeful and hot-tempered." "And His wrath was bore... by the Angel of Death, name of Loki." "When Sodom and Gomorrah was destroyed... that was Loki." "When the waters wiped out everything except Noah and his menagerie... that was Loki..." "and he was good at what he did." "But one day... he refused to bear God's wrath any longer." " Why?" " He listened to his friend... a Grigori by the name of Bartleby." "Grigori?" "One of the choirs of angels." "They're called Watchers." "Guess what they do." "So one day, Loki's wiping out all the firstborn of Egypt..." "The Tenth Plague." "Tell a person that you're the Metatron and they stare at you blankly." "Mention something out of a Charlton Heston movie... and suddenly everybody's a theology scholar." "May I continue uninterrupted?" "Once he's done with the firstborn..." "Loki takes his friend Bartleby out for a post-slaughter drink." "And over many rounds... they get into this discussion about... whether or not murder in the name of God is okay." "And in the end..." "Bartleby convinces Loki to quit his position... and take one which doesn't involve slaughter." "So... very inebriated..." "Loki tells God he quits... throws down his fiery sword... and gives Him the finger." "Which ruins it for the rest of us because from that day forward..." "God decreed that angels could no longer imbibe alcohol." "Hence all the spitting." "So, for their insolence..." "God decreed that neither Loki nor Bartleby... would ever be allowed back into Paradise." " Were they sent to Hell?" " Worse." "Wisconsin... for the entire span of human history." "And when the world ends, they'll have to sit outside the gates for all eternity." "And this has what to do with me?" "Someone has clued them in to a loophole in Catholic dogma... that would allow them to reenter Heaven." "So what?" "They beat the system." "Good for them." "It's not that simple." "If they get in, they will have reversed God's decree." "Now listen closely because this bit's very important." "Existence in all its form and splendor... function solely on one principle..." "God is infallible." "To prove Him wrong... would undo reality and everything that is." "Up would become down, black would become white." "Existence would become nothingness." "In essence... if they're allowed to enter that church... they'll unmake the world." "If this is so major, why are you talking to me?" " Why doesn't God do something about it?" " He could." "But He'd rather see you take care of this one personally." "Why me?" "Because of who you are." "And who am I?" "The girl in the pj's!" "Don't ask so many questions." "Just serve your purpose." "I'm gonna have to pass." "I beg your pardon?" "When some quiet little infection destroyed my uterus, where was God?" "When my husband decided... he couldn't be with a wife who couldn't bear his children... where was God?" "To Hell with Him." "Don't allow eons of history and life to get blinked out of being... just because you've got a grudge against your Creator." "So you lost the ability to make life." "You're being offered the chance to play mother to the world... by acting like one and protecting it... saving it!" "But I can't make you." "However, if you should decide to stop being selfish... and accept your responsibility... you won't be alone." "You'll have support." "What?" "More angels?" "Prophets." "In a manner of speaking." "Two of 'em." "The one who speaks... and he will, at great length, whether you want him to or not... will make mention of himself as a prophet." "The other one... well, he's the quiet type." "Look, I've gotta go." "Remember, we're working in a time frame here." "What's He like?" "God?" "Lonely... but funny." "He's got a great sense of humor." "Take sex, for example." "There's nothing funnier... than the ridiculous faces you people make mid-coitus." "Sex is a joke in Heaven?" "The way I understand it, it's mostly a joke down here too." "I'll see ya." "Snootch to the motherfucking nootch!" "Go back to your paper routes, you Mighty Duck Fucks!" "Snoogans." "Did you see that shit, man?" "I know they were just kids, but we kicked their fucking pube-less asses!" "I don't know what to say or think, except..." "That you'll offer us sex as a reward?" "That I'd like to know who they and you are." "I'm Jay, and this is my hetero life mate, Silent Bob." "I don't know who those kids were, but they would have kicked yours... and Lunchbox's asses if I hadn't represented." "Thanks for being out here so late." "Wait a minute." "Are you protestors?" "You mean those dickheads with the signs and pictures of dead babies?" "Shit no!" "Me and Silent Bob are pro-choice." "A woman's body is her own fucking business." "But what are you doing hanging around?" "We're here to pick up chicks." "Excuse me?" "We figure abortion clinics are a good place to meet loose women." "Why else would they be here unless they like to fuck?" "Right." "Well, I should be going." "Thanks for the rescue." " I think." " Wait a second." "We just saved your ass, and you're just gonna take off." "What the shit is that?" "I had a weird night last night and tonight's not shaping up to be better." "I think I should go home, take some Percosets and lay down." "Now how about that shit?" "Fuck this town, man!" "I'm goin' back to Jersey and starting' up the business again." "I can kick the shit out of kids in Red Bank and make myself a profit." "Prophets." "Two of 'em." " You know what I'm sayin', Silent Bob?" " You gotta be kidding me." "We call this piece "The Fecalator."" "One look at it and the target shits him or herself." "Try it on." "It's a lot more compact than the flaming sword, but not nearly as impressive." "It doesn't have that "Wrath of the Almighty" edge to it." "How am I supposed to strike fear into hearts of the wicked with this thing?" "Look at this." "Well, then, you know, don't use a gun." "Lay the place to waste like." "Easy for you to say." "You get off light in a razing." "You got to stand there and read at Sodom and Gomorrah." "I had to do all the work." "What work did you do?" "You lit a few fires." "I rained down sulfur." "There's a subtle difference." "Okay, I'm sure." "Fuck you." "Any moron with a pack of matches can set a fire." "Raining down sulfur is like an endurance trial." "Mass genocide is the most exhausting activity one can engage in... next to soccer." "I'll take this one." "So, what's up?" "You have a friend for Silent Bob, or are you gonna do us both?" "If so, I'm first." "I hate sloppy seconds." "You're a man of principle." "Jersey's pretty far from McHenry." "May I ask what brought you here?" "Some fuck named John Hughes." "Sixteen Candles John Hughes?" "You know that guy too?" "That fuckin' guy." "He made this flick Sixteen Candles." "Not bad." "There's tits in it, but no bush." "But Ebert over here don't give a shit about that kind of thing... because he's like in love with this John Hughes guy." "He goes out and rents every one of his movies." "Fuckin' Breakfast Club, where stupid kids actually show up for detention." "Fuckin' Weird Science, where this babe wants to undress and get down... but, oh, no, she don't, because it's a PG movie." "And then Pretty in Pink, which I can't watch with this tubby bitch anymore... because when the redhead hooks up with her dream guy... he starts sobbing' like a little bitch with a skinned knee and shit." "And there's nothing worse than watchin' a fuckin' fat man weep." "What exactly brought you to Illinois?" "All these movies take place in this small town called Shermer, Illinois... where all the honeys are top-shelf but all the dudes are whiny pussies." "Except for Judd Nelson." "He was fuckin' harsh." "But best of all... there was no one dealing', man." "Then it hits me." "We could live like phat rats... if we were the blunt connection in Shermer, Illinois." "So we collected some money we were owed and caught a bus." "But you know what the fuck we found out when we got there?" "There is no Shermer, Illinois." "Movies are fuckin' bullshit." " When are you going back to New Jersey?" " This broad asks a lot of questions." " Tomorrow." " Tomorrow." "Yeah." "So you do anal?" "Is it true that chicks fart if you blast them in the ass?" "I didn't ask you out for sex." "I'll take head." "This is gonna sound really bad." "I can't believe I'm even thinking about this." "I think I should go with you." "Like steady?" "You wanna be my girlfriend?" "All right, but Silent Bob gets to live with us and you pay the rent." "No." "I wanna go with you to New Jersey." "Really?" "You're going to lead me somewhere." "Me lead you?" "Lady, look at me." "I don't even know where I am half the time." "If we're not gonna fuck, then what the fuck did you ask us out for?" "Someone told me I'd meet you and you'd take me someplace I was supposed to go." "What the hell are you babbling about?" "We saved your ass from some angry fuckin' dwarves... and now we're supposed to take you somewhere as if we know where it is?" "Do you believe in God?" "Holy fuck!" "All the fine, immoral bitches out in front of that place... and we gotta get the one Jesus freak?" " Let's get the fuck out of here." " Wait." " I'll scream rape." " I can pay you." "Pay?" "A hundred bucks for being my guide." "You were going to Jersey anyway." "All I'm asking is to tag along." "I feel like Han Solo, you're Chewie, and she's Ben Kenobi... and we're in that fucked-up bar!" "What about sex?" "No sex." "Let's say we're caught in a situation where we have five minutes left to live." "A bomb or something's gonna go off." "Would you fuck us then?" "In that highly unlikely situation?" "Yeah, sure." "She's a slut." "All right." "But I get to drive." "What gear are you in?" "Gear?" "What do I know about shifting'?" "Like I ever drove before." "Indiana, Ohio, Pennsylvania..." "New Jersey." "Maybe you're wrong about this slaughter thing." "How can you be sure what incurs the Lord's wrath these days?" "Times change." "I remember eating meat on a Friday used to be a Hell-worthy trespass." "The major sins never change." "Besides, I can spot a commandment-breaker from a mile away." "Bet on it." "This from the guy who still owes me ten bucks over that bet... about which was gonna be the bigger movie..." "ET or Krush Groove." "Fuck you, man, 'cause time's gonna tell on that one." "Are you insinuating that I don't have what it takes anymore?" "Insinuating, no." "Flat-out telling you." "Right there." "There's one." "So?" "They're kissing." "Adultery." " Adultery?" " Adultery." "You are just a simple creature." " Am I right?" " I happen to know the truth." "I'm not gonna tell you." "I want to see how boned up on the job you are." " What's your proof?" " He's wearing a wedding band." "And it never occurred to you that maybe she's his wife?" "No married man kisses his wife like that." "Okay." "It's a good thing you were never... the deciding member on a jury is all I'm saying." ""No married man kisses his wife like that"?" "Are you stoned?" "Excuse me." "Are you married?" "Why?" "I'm just curious." "What do you think?" " What?" " To her?" " What?" " Are you married to her?" "Not that it's any of your fucking business, but no." "Why?" "Whose house" "Run's house" "I said, whose house" "Run's house" "Whose house Say what" "Run's house Say what" "Martin" "She's fuckin' pissed, dude." "She's never gonna fuck us now." "Maybe you, but definitely not me." "Let me know how she is." "Nobody is fucking me!" "You got that?" "I don't know what I was thinking in that diner... but being that I've decided to go home, and not to New Jersey... sorry for the inconvenience and good-bye." "You're breaking up with us?" "Who the hell do you think you are, lady?" "You can't just go around breaking people's hearts like that!" "I fell in love with you!" "We fell in love with you!" "Guys like us just don't fall out of the fuckin' sky." "Beautiful, naked, big-tittied women just don't fall out of the sky." "No heartbeat." "Think someone threw him out of a plane with a message written on him... like in Con Air?" " Did you ever see that flick?" " Oh, did that suck!" " Con Air?" "Con Shit." " Kill it!" " Sounds familiar." " Jesus, are you okay?" "Yeah, it's Rufus." "And yeah, I'm fine." "He's the fucking undead!" "Cut his head off!" "What I just did gave me a fucking migraine!" "So if you don't pipe down, I'm gonna yank your sac off like a paper towel." "Speaking of which, you're awfully nude." " Rufus, is it?" " Yes, Rufus it is." "It's usually Long Rufus, but it's a little cold out here." "You understand?" "Big Papa, how about lending a brother your coat till I find my own threads?" "Dude, he fell out of thin air." "Dude, his piece is gonna be rubbing inside of your armor." " Dude!" " Thanks a lot, baby." "I'll do my best to tuck it back." "It's been a while since physics but I would think... the impact with which you hit the asphalt would have liquefied you." "Death is a worry of the living." "The dead, like myself, only worry about decay and necrophiliacs." " Told you he was the undead." " Not the undead." "The dead." "I died." "Christ told me the secret to the resurrection once." "We were at this wedding in Caanan." "I got drunk and forgot it." "Wait, wait, wait." "Christ?" "You knew Christ?" "Knew him?" "Shit, nigga owes me 12 bucks." "Let me guess." " You're another angel?" " Oh, I ain't no angel." "I'm a man, just like you and him." "Well, maybe not him." "At least I was a man." "Been dead nearly 2,000 years." "Here, check this out." "No wonder he saw Jesus." "Homey's rockin' the ganj." "It's not a joint." "I can't read this." "It's Aramaic." "It says, "Rufus, see you in two years." "Jesus."" "Freaked me out because He basically told me when my number was up." "Took all the flavor out of the remaining years." "We gotta get moving." "Let's say we continue this discussion over a two-piece and a biscuit." "Come on." "I'm starvin'." "Back off, Kato." "Wait a second!" "Between guys with wings, guys falling out of the sky... and guys trying like hell to fuck me..." "I think I've been a pretty good sport about all this so far." "But I'm not going anywhere until I find out where the hell you came from." "Me?" "I came from Heaven." "Now let's start walkin'." "Walk?" "Fuck you!" "Do you know how far we are from anywheres?" "Hey, man, back in the old days with J.C., we used to walk everywhere." "Did you ever hear of a fat apostle?" "What the hell's an apostle?" "Let me get this straight." "She's already met the prophets... and the apostle's with them?" "I think that our best course of action... is to ensure that our parcel is not found." "And being that I can't even trust you enough to kill a woman... well, I'm left with no choice... but to seek outside assistance in guarding said package." "I'm gonna have to summon the Golgothan." "I appreciate the loan, brother." "You can have that back." "Man, I remember when all we used to have for breakfast was fish and goat's milk." " What do you call this shit?" " Egga Mooby Muffin." "Now, how 'bout you start explaining some things, like for starters... how did you know where to find us?" "Do you know what the dead do with most of their time?" "Watch the living." "Especially in the shower." "I can't wait to die." "And why are you watching me?" "Because you're the one who's gonna help me get some changes made... in that book you put so much stock in." " Hustler?" " The Bible!" " What's your beef with the Bible?" " For starters, I'm not in it." "Neither are any of us, but you don't hear us bitchin' and moanin'." "But I'm supposed to be in it." "I was the 13th Apostle." "I've gone to church my whole life and never heard of Rufus, the 13th Apostle." "But you heard of the other 12 Apostles." "They were all white boys, I might add." "But no mention of me, Rufus." "And why is that?" "'Cause I'm a black man." "But you know what?" "That's just my pet peeve." "I'm mainly here to correct a major error you've been basing your faith on." " What's that?" " Jesus wasn't white." "Jesus was black." "I don't buy it." "If that's true, why did He get written about and you were left out?" "Well, He is the Son of God." "Kind of hard to have a New Testament without him." "So you fudge a few facts, you put a spin on his ethnicity." "Leaving me out is okay 'cause you still got 12 white boys to choose from." " Are you gonna listen to this shit?" " That's what people of Antioch said... right before they stoned my ass." "You were martyred?" "That's one way of puttin' it." "Another way is to say I was bludgeoned to shit by big fucking rocks." "White folks only wanna hear the good shit... life eternal, a place in God's Heaven." "But as soon as you hear that you're gettin' this good shit... from a black Jesus, ya freak." "And that, my friends, is called hypocrisy." "A black man can steal your stereo, but he can't be your savior." "You gonna eat that hash brown?" "So, you went to Heaven?" "Damn right I went to Heaven!" "That's the least He could do." "In the three years I followed His ass around Jerusalem, did I ever get laid?" "Hell no." "And I was in my prime." "I could have been knee-deep in shepherds' daughters... not to mention fine-ass Mary Magdalene." "She had a thing for dark meat, if you follow me." "Maybe this is just me talking, but if I were in Heaven..." "I wouldn't care what the Bible said as long as they got the message right." "The message is what counts." "But folks who build their faith on that message should be colorblind." "And all my rabble-rousing is not doing that much above." "So I'm gonna need some help down here." "That's why I'm gonna help you stop those angels from gettin' into that church... in exchange for you helping me with my campaign." "How do you know about that, the angels?" " Isn't much I don't know about you." " I find that hard to believe." "When you were five, you let a kid from next door piss on your hand." "You did that shit?" "You're nasty." "I never told anybody about that." "Neither did he." "Two years later, that kid died of leukemia." "His name was Brian Johnson." "Your exploits, no matter how inane... are well documented in Heaven." "Probably Hell too." "Where are you going?" "Tell me somethin' about me." "You masturbate more than anyone on the planet." "Fuck." "Everyone knows that." "Tell me something nobody knows." "When you do it, you're thinking about guys." " Dude, not all the time." " Sorry if I scared you." "Two-thirds of me wants to forget about this and go home." "Yesterday, I wasn't sure God even existed." "Now I'm up to my ass in Christian mythology." "Let me let you in on a little inside info." "God hates it when it's referred to as "mythology."" "Oh, well, then let's ask the "prophets" what we should call it instead." "Where did those two assholes go?" "What are you doing?" "Proving to this bastard I ain't gay." " What?" " Long story." "Forget it." "We gotta get movin'." "How can we get to Jersey?" "We'll take the train." "I'll call for reservations." "I thought she looked familiar." " Who?" " Serendipity." "Morning, shoppers." "Good morning." " Has anyone seen the overnights?" " No, sir." "We creamed 'em." "Last night was a rerun, which says to me..." "Do I smell onions?" "Excuse me." "May I ask what you're doing in my boardroom?" "You may proceed, mon ami." "I'm gonna have to start by apologizing." "My friend has a bit of a penchant for the dramatic." "Oh, come on!" "Relax." "I'm doing it." "Mooby, the Golden Calf." "Created by Nancy Goldruff, a former kindergarten teacher in 1989." "Bought by the Complex Corporation in 1991." "Broadcast nationally as the "Mooby Fun-Time Hour."" "Since its inception, has spawned two theatrical films... 16 records, 8 prime-time specials... and a library of priced-to-own videocassettes." "Not to mention bicoastal theme parks... dubbed "Mooby World."" "Did I miss anything?" "You forgot Mooby Magazine." "Damn it!" "Is there a point to this?" "You and your board are idolaters." "I can't believe you forgot the magazine." "That's you." "Do you know much about voodoo?" "That's a fascinating practice." "No real doctrine of faith to speak of." "More an arrangement of superstitions... the most well-known of which... is the voodoo doll." "You see... a mockup of an individual is subjected... to various pokes and prods." "The desired result is that the individual will feel those effects." "Call security, now!" "All lines are currently down." " I'm gonna have to apologize..." " Would you knock it off?" "You're doing it again." "Stop." "What did we talk about?" "You are responsible for raising an icon... which draws worship from the Lord." "You have broken the First Commandment." "More than that, I'm afraid not a one of you... passes for a decent human being." "Your continued existence is a mockery of morality." "Like you, Mr. Burton." "Last year, you cheated on your wife of 17 years 8 times." "You even had sex with her best friend... while you were supposed to be home watching the kids." "In the bed that you and your wife share, no less." "Mr. Newman." "You got your girlfriend drunk at last year's Christmas party... and then paid a kid from the mail room... to have sex with her while she was passed out... just so you could break up with her guilt-free... when she sobbingly confessed in the morning." "She killed herself three months later." "Mr. Brace disowned his gay son." "Very compassionate." "Mr. Ray put his mother in a third-rate nursing home... and used the profits from the sale of her home... to buy an Oriental rug for himself." "Heavens." "Mr. Barker flew to Thailand on the company account... to have sex with an eleven-year-old boy." "Mr. Holtzman okayed the production of Mooby Dolls... from materials he knew to be toxic and unsafe... because it was... survey says... less costly." "You, on the other hand... are an innocent." "You lead a good life." "Good for you." "But you, Mr. Whitland... you have more skeletons in your closet... than this assembled party." "I cannot even mention them aloud." "You're his father, you sick fuck!" " Good." " Not bad, man." "That's great work." "Very good." "Well... alone at last." "With the exception of Miss Pryce here... there isn't a decent human being amongst you." "Not one." "Do you know what makes a human being decent?" "Fear." "And therein lies the problem." "None of you has anything left to fear anymore." "You rest comfortably in seats of inscrutable power... hiding behind your false idol, far from judgment... lives shrouded in secrecy, even from one another." "But not from God." "Forgot my little voodoo doll." "Man, it really looks just like you, doesn't it?" "Look, if I believed enough in this..." "I wonder..." "Come on." "I don't believe in voodoo." "Voodoo." "But I do believe in this." "Don't run!" "Don't run!" "Fakes!" "Fakes!" "All of you, fakes!" ""But I do believe in this."" "What does that mean?" "And one to grow on." "Gum?" "Go on." "It's okay." "You've done nothing wrong." "These guys were fakes." "You're a pure soul." "But you didn't say "God bless you" when I sneezed." "Loki!" "You're getting off light." " Loki!" " I know." "I'm comin'." "You're so lucky." "I forgot you were down here." "How long now?" "Three years this August." "Let me guess... the 14th Apostle, left out of the Bible because she's a woman?" "This girl's no woman." "Oh." "Those weren't tits I saw Jay cozying up to?" "What, these?" "You should know better than anyone here that tits don't make a woman." "Hell, the tubby, coat-wearing motherfucker's got tits." "What traditionally defines a woman falls between two things... her legs." "But as you can see..." "I lack definition." "Hey, they're gettin' a free show!" "Let me see that shit!" "Oh, God, another angel like Metatron." "How do you..." "How does she know Metatron?" "This is the last scion." "You're kidding." "Wow." "I'm confused." "Bethany, Serendipity here isn't technically an angel." "Nor is she, by any means, a human being like I was and you are." " I used to be an abstract." " Now I'm really confused." "I'm a muse, stupid." "I can't take much more of this." "So you, what, inspire people?" "What just went down with your friends over there..." "It doesn't really take a muse to inspire horny retards to empty their wallets." "I used to specialize in entertainment." "For example, I'm responsible for 19 of the 20 top-grossing films of all time." " Nineteen?" " Yeah." "The one about the kid by himself in his house... burglars trying to come in and he fights them off..." "I had nothing to do with that one." "Somebody sold their soul to Satan to get the grosses up on that piece of shit." "What are you doing stripping?" "Remember why I left?" "Because you were tired of getting none of the credit for your ideas." "So I opted to quit being a muse and write for myself." "I gave my two weeks notice, got a body, 50 bucks... and got sent out into the world to make my fortune." "So what happened?" "Writer's block." "Can you believe it?" "Me, a muse, for God's sake." "I can inspire anyone I meet and give out a zillion and nine ideas a second... but I can't keep any for myself." "Her quirky sense of humor." " Whose?" " God's." " You're saying God's a woman?" " Was there ever a doubt in your mind?" "He's always referred to as "Him."" "That's not how I wrote it." "But one of the drawbacks to being intangible... is that you have no say in the editorial process." "The people that held the pens added their own perspective... and all the penholders were men." "So She became a He." "Doesn't stop with God either." "The whole book's gender-biased." "A woman's responsible for original sin." "A woman cuts Samson coif of power." "A woman asks for the head of John the Baptist." "Read that book again." "Women are painted as bigger antagonists than the Egyptians and Romans combined." "It stinks." "Why is the last scion here?" "Bartleby and Loki." "They found a way back." " Not the plenary indulgence loophole." " You know about that?" "I always knew that thing was a bad idea." "Leave it to the Catholics to destroy existence." "You have issues with Catholicism, I take it?" "I have issues with anyone who treats God like a burden instead of a blessing... like some Catholics." "You people don't celebrate your faith, you mourn it." " If we're wrong, what religion is right?" " It's not about who's right or wrong." "No denomination's nailed it yet... because they're all too self-righteous to realize... that it doesn't matter what you have faith in, just that you have faith." "Your hearts are in the right place, but your brains gotta wake up." "They made me and Silent Bob part of the gang." "Who fuckin' farted?" "Not born." "Shit into existence." "Sweet Christ, somebody wants you bad!" " What is that thing?" " An excremental." " The Golgothan." " A what?" "A shit demon!" "No man of woman born!" " Friend of yours?" " Is this smelly fuck with us?" "It came for Bethany!" "Smoke that motherfucker like it ain't no thang!" "I knew I's gonna whack somebody today!" "Get your fuckin' hand back." "Represent!" "Go!" "Go!" "Go!" "Looks like we're in charge of the gang now." "Over the bar!" " Where did that thing come from?" " Ever heard of Golgotha?" "The hill where Christ was crucified." "It wasn't just Christ." "The Romans crucified everyone there." "Christ excluded, they were criminals..." "killers, brigands, thieves, rapists." "Whenever the crucified expired, their bodies lost muscle control... spilling bowel and bladder in the process... the result of which is that walking pile of crap... the Golgothan shit demon, Hell's chief assassin." "It's here for you, girlie." " Bob, get down!" " Matches!" "Matches!" " Hey, man." " How?" ""Knocks strong odors out."" " Way to go, biggie." " Why would you ever carry this?" "What?" "Whoever sent this might send more." "I suggest you take the princess and get as far away as possible." "I'll try to get something out of poopy boy here." "If he tells me something, I'll let you know." "Hello." "We'd like two tickets to New Jersey, please." "Jersey's sold out, sir." " What?" " There's one at the same time tomorrow." "Don't underestimate the staggering drawing power of the Garden State." "Show up two hours in advance." "Nice." "Your hard-on for smiting has prevented us from negotiating... what ought to be the relatively simple matter of catching or staying on a bus." "Bus, schmuss." "Why should we fall victim to gravity when we can just as easily rise above?" " You mean fly?" " We got wings, right?" "Fuck, let's use 'em!" "I wouldn't suggest that." "You see, kids... you wouldn't want to look like a couple of fairies, now, would you?" "How'd you get out of Hell?" "I told them I was coming up on a routine possession." "I don't have much time." "If they figure out my ruse, they'll come after me." " What's with bringing us in here?" " You two are inches from getting caught." "Going around killing people, about to uncase your wings." "Don't you know what's going on?" "Well, we're going home." "Really." "Are you so clueless as to think you can just waltz back into Heaven?" " Why not?" " Everybody is looking for you." "Both sides." "Above and below." "Orders are to terminate you on sight." " Really?" " Why?" "Because you're pissing people off, that's why." "Word is that God's pissed off at your presumption... and I know Lucifer's pissed because you assholes might make him look bad... by succeeding where he's failed so many times." " So they're just gonna kill us?" " They're gonna try." "That's why you have to travel incognito." "Tone down your behavior." "Stay off their respective radars." "Quit killing people." "That's high profile." " Oh, lighten up." " I can't believe they wanna kill us." "Oh, believe it, boys." "They've even got the last scion looking for you." " Really?" " You're kidding." "This is huge." "Your reentry is a thorn in a lot of sides." "They'll stop at nothing to prevent it." "In the meantime, I suggest you find an alternate mode of transportation." "If anything else comes up, I'll contact you." "Thank you, Azrael." "You're a true friend." "I have to get back to the pit before they get suspicious." "And remember, incognito." "How you coping, kid?" "It's weird." "Just when I think I have a handle on things... something wholly unbelievable presents itself." "Sometimes I wish I'd just stayed home." "You sound like the Man." "What's he like?" "He likes to listen to people talk." "Christ loved to sit around the fire, listen to me and the other guys." "Whenever we were going on about unimportant shit... he always had a smile on his face." "His only real beef with mankind... is the shit that gets carried out in His name." "Wars, bigotry, televangelism." "The big one, though, is the factioning of all the religions." "He said mankind got it all wrong... by taking a good idea and building a belief structure on it." "You're saying having beliefs is a bad thing?" "I just think it's better to have ideas." "You can change an idea." "Changing a belief is trickier." "People die for it." "People kill for it." "The whole of existence is in jeopardy right now... because of the Catholic belief structure regarding this plenary indulgence shit." "Bartleby and Loki, whether they know it or not... are exploiting that belief... and if they're successful... you, me, all of this ends in a heartbeat." "All over a belief." "I haven't seen the moron twins in a while." "How about you?" "One time we were at the mall, we tied Tubby to the ceiling... and he went flying through the air, fuckin' crashed through the wall." "It was fucked up." "You two aren't getting into any trouble, are you?" "We're just about to smoke a fatty with these two suave motherfuckers... who just got on at the last stop..." "Larry and Barry." "So, Jay tells us you're gonna sleep with him." "Hit this shit, man." "It's good stuff." "Oh, fuck." "That's some bad shit, dude." "You hit that?"