"[ORCHESTRA PLAYING ROUSING MUSIC]" "Ladies and gentlemen you are about to witness the most spectacular feat ever attempted by the greatest daredevil in the world." "The Great Leslie." "[ALL CHEERING]" "He will be strapped in a straitjacket before your very eyes and lifted up into the clouds where eagles soar and no sparrow dares to venture." "[CROWD CHATTERING]" "[ALL CHEERING]" "Ha, ha." "To work." "To work, Max." " Hey, bull's-eye, ha, ha." " Heh, terrific!" "There's a hole in the balloon." "[WOMEN SCREAMING]" "[BOTH LAUGHING]" "Terrific!" " He'll never make it." " He'll never make it." " A parachute." " A parachute." "A parachute!" "A parachute!" " What?" " Professor." "Ladies and gentlemen, you are about to witness a feat so dangerous that only one man would dare attempt it." "The magnificent Professor Fate." "[ALL CHEERING]" "[DRUMS ROLLING]" "Attach the hooks." "The professor will defy death, as his assistant swoops down from the sky, snares the professor on the ground and lifts him into the air." "Contact." "Switch on." "Up, Max!" "Bring it up!" "Coming up." "Max, up, you idiot!" "Up!" "She's up!" "FATE:" "Max!" "Up, you idiot, up!" "Too much weight." "Max!" "[SCREAMING]" "[CHICKENS CLUCKING]" "[COWS MOOING]" "[DONKEY BRAYING]" "[COW MOOING]" "Ha, ha." "Pfft." "I'd like to see the Great Leslie try that one." "Ha!" "[CHICKENS CLUCKING]" "[ENGINE REVS]" "After today you will have broken every existing speed record." "What are your plans for the future?" "That depends on how successful I am today." "Gentlemen, will you excuse me please?" "FATE:" "Be careful, you idiot, you'll blow us both to kingdom come." "Ah, he's getting in the boat." "[ALL CHEERING]" "[ORCHESTRA PLAYING ROUSING MUSIC]" " You sure you tested the mechanism?" " It can't miss." "All you have to do is throw this switch, it homes in on the loudest engine noise." "It's terrific." "You see, it's picked up Leslie's boat!" "[LAUGHS]" "Farewell, Leslie." "Ha, ha, away!" "[BEEPING]" "[EXPLOSION]" "[CHATTERING]" "BOY 1:" "Look at that!" "BOY 2:" "Golly!" "BOY 1:" "Look at the pretty face on that..." "FATE:" "Get away from the rocket." "Gentlemen, I intend to cover the measured mile in approximately 12 seconds." "[ALL LAUGHING]" "Activate the rockets." "Professor!" "One hundred and fifty!" "[LAUGHING]" " Two hundred and fifty!" " Ha, ha." " I'll go down in history!" " Three hundred." "They'll erect a monument to me!" "[LAUGHING]" "Ha-ha-ha!" "I've done it!" " Professor?" "Professor?" " What?" "[BOTH SCREAM]" "[COW MOOING]" "Well, there's another one Leslie can try on for size." "Gentlemen." "I've requested this meeting in order to make you a proposition." "In my opinion, your company manufactures the finest automobile in the world." "The automobile represents progress, in the most profound sense of the word." "The ultimate example of American ingenuity and enterprise." "This great nation cannot take a back seat to competitors like Daimler Mercedes, uh, Napier, Rolls-Royce, Dietrich or Panhard." "Gentlemen, I propose to prove that the American automobile your automobile, is without peers." "[MAN CLEARS THROAT]" "And, uh, just how do you propose to prove that, sir?" "A race." "[ALL SCOFF]" "MAN:" "Really, sir, you, uh, surprise me." "Automobile races are becoming most commonplace." "I mean, a long race." "A very long race." "Buffalo to Albany?" "It's been done." "Chicago to Cleveland?" "That's been done." "New York to Paris." " New York to...?" " Paris?" "You must build an automobile to the most precise specifications." "FATE [IN SCOTTISH ACCENT]:" "No, no." "Absolutely no." "For a company of this repute, a great company the likes of this entrusting its entire automobile future to a man the likes of Leslie, heh, it's disreputable." "A cheap carnival performer, a fraud, a trickster." "Aah!" "Help!" "Don't!" "A madman!" "I apologize." "I thought you were someone else." "Pulling it out by the roots." "I warned you." "The madman." "Did you see him trying to pull my beard out right by the roots?" "[IN NORMAL VOICE] Leslie will lose!" "Your automobile will lose!" "I will win!" "Yee-haw!" "MAN:" "He jumped!" "[LAUGHING]" "I shall build the greatest automobile in the world and I shall win!" "Okay, professor." "This time it will not be Leslie." "It will be I, Professor Fate!" "Fate the Magnificent!" "Ha, ha!" "Ha-ha-ha!" "[SCREAMS]" "[LAUGHS]" "And it is with no little pride that the Webber Motor Car Company unveils its latest and greatest achievement." "Gentlemen, behold the motor car of the future." "Holy cow!" "Holy Toledo, look at that car!" "Yes, it's quite a car." " Ha-ha-ha." " I never saw a car like that in my life." "FATE:" "You never will again either." "Give me the bomb." "Ha-ha-ha." "The bomb, the bomb." "Professor, be careful." "After you activate the mechanism, you only got 10 seconds." "I know that." "I know that." "Give me the cord." "[BOTH GRUNTING]" "We, uh, have taken the liberty of naming it after the man who inspired its creation." " The Leslie Special." " I'm deeply honored." "[EXPLOSION]" "[FATE LAUGHING]" "[SIGHS]" "[PATTERN KNOCKING ON DOOR]" "[BANG THEN FATE YELLS]" "What took you so long?" "I had to go to the Rolls-Royce agency." " I had to steal a spare magneto." " Oh, good." " It's ready." " Yes." "Yes, it's ready." "There has never been anything like this." " Professor, your greatest creation." " Genius!" "Work of genius." "The finest parts from the greatest automobiles in the world." "The Hannibal Twin 8." "Ha, ha." "When it comes to the blizzards and snow storms we will continue on just as planned." "Push the button, Max." "[HUMMING]" "[LAUGHING]" "When the rains come, and when the snow melts we shall continue to rise above it." "Push the button, Max." "[LAUGHING]" "Nature will chase us, we will beat her." "And brigands, thieves, cutthroats of all nations may hound us but we are ready for them." "We will blast them to kingdom come!" "Ha, ha!" "We can melt, we can blast." "We can rise above." "We are invincible." "Take us down." "Ha-ha-ha." "Push the button, Max." "[EXPLODES]" "FATE [SCREAMING]:" "Max!" "[KNOCKING ON DOOR]" "Yes." " Mr. Goodbody." " What is it, Frisbee?" " You've got to come right away." " What's the matter?" "Well, it's a young lady, sir." " What about the young lady?" " She's handcuffed herself to the door." " Handcuffed herself to the door?" " Of the men's room." "What?" "[ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]" "FRISBEE:" "Gentlemen." "Gentlemen." "Gentleman!" "HENRY:" "Return to your assignments." "This is a newspaper office." "There will be no lollygagging in this hallway." "There will be no lollygagging in this hallway." " Frisbee!" " Yes, sir." "Now, young lady, who are you?" "I am a female past the age of consent." "The first woman to edit the newspaper at my college." "I'll remain handcuffed until I become the first female reporter of the New York Sentinel." "Over my dead body." "Unlock those handcuffs and get out." "I will unlock the handcuffs when you give me the job." " Never!" " Never?" " Never." " But, sir." "If she remains here, handcuffed to the men's room the men..." "The men..." "You men may use the washroom on the next floor." "Oh, sir." " They can't keep running upstairs forever." " They can until you get hungry." "Oh, that would make a story for your competition." "Woman starves to death in the men's room of the New York Sentinel." "[SNORTS]" " You wouldn't dare." " I would dare anything for women's rights." " Ha!" " Huh!" " Give me an assignment." "If I fail, fire me." "HENRY:" "You're fired." "Frisbee, post a bulletin." "Suffragettes are not permitted." " Let me cover the great race." " It's covered by experienced reporters." "No, I mean really cover it." "From start to finish, mile by mile." "Reporters are not permitted on the trip, only contestants." " Those are the rules." " Break them." "We run a newspaper, not a school for revolutionaries!" "Enter the race." "Enter your own car." "We are running a newspaper, a newspaper, not an automotive agency!" "Are you afraid of losing?" "Give me the money and I'll enter the race." "I despise suffragettes." "I am not just trying to get the vote for women." "I'm out to emancipate them from the drudgery of being either servants or saints." "Out of the laundry rooms and off the pedestals!" "You're mad, young woman, you're mad." "And you, sir, are a slave to your puritanism." "Does your wife wear silk stockings?" " Ah, I won't discuss such an intimate subject." " She does, and they're very expensive." "But has she raised her skirts for you and shown her calf?" "A woman's leg in a silk stocking can be quite alluring." " Shh, miss..." " Dubois." "Maggie Dubois." "I see you've never seen a woman's leg in a silk stocking." "Never, never in your whole life." " Frisbee, leave the room!" " Yes, sir." "Well, what are you thinking?" "There isn't anything men and women can't discuss if they are civilized and mature." "And emancipated." " Anything?" " See, you can't discuss it." "That's the problem." "Women have to emancipate themselves in order to emancipate men." "So they can emancipate each other where it counts the most." "Fifty dollars for every exclusive story I send back and 100 dollars for every photograph." "You're a fine man." "A timid man, but a worthwhile one." " Have a cigar." " Huh?" "Don't smoke?" "The Sentinel will scoop the world." "[WHISTLES]" "[BLOWS RASPBERRY]" "Man the helm." "Aye, aye, sir." " Up periscope!" " Up periscope!" "Ah." "[LAUGHING]" "[TIRES SCREECH]" " Good afternoon." " Good afternoon." "I don't know what she's doing here, boss." "She says she's a woman with a mission." "But I think she's a spy for Professor Fate." "You're not suggesting I'm the first woman ever to seek an audience with the Great Leslie." "I'm simply Leslie and I'm at your service." "I'm rather thirsty." "Do you have something cold?" "I have champagne." " Down periscope." "Ha, ha." " Aye, aye, sir." "Aah!" "Agh!" "Ow, ah!" " Up!" "Up, idiot!" "Up, up!" " Up!" "Agh!" "Ah." "[YELLING]" "Down!" "Down!" "I got you." "I got you." "I got you." "You're right!" "There's something wrong with the mechanism." "Aah!" "Down, you idiot!" "Release your feet." "Release your feet!" " You have to be careful..." " You've got a brain the size of a carbuncle." " Get out of here before Leslie spots us." " Getting out." " Dive, crash dive!" " Crash dive!" "Help!" "[BOTH SCREAMING]" "Wait." "Professor!" "Professor!" "SINGER [ON PHONOGRAPH]:" "My desert is waiting" "Dear, come there with me" "I'm longing to teach you" "Love's sweet melody" "I'll sing a dream-song to you" "[POPS]" "[CHUCKLES]" "Painting a picture for two" "Blue heaven" "And you and I" "And sand kissing" "A moonlit sky" "A desert breeze whisp'ring" "A lullaby" "Only stars above you" "To see I love you" "Oh, give me that night divine" "I'm a reporter." "A reporter?" "You disapprove?" "Ahem, no." "Let's say I'm a bit surprised." "Let's be honest and say you disapprove." "A woman doing a man's job is competitive, both sexually and economically." "You want to know why I'm here." "I want to report the race." "And I want to be in it." "It's as simple as that." "Well, it's hardly, heh, that simple." "But, uh let's discuss it, shall we?" " All right." "Let's discuss the whole thing completely." "Right from the beginning." "Do you want a wife, a companion?" "Or just a woman?" "There are certain things we shouldn't discuss." "Why?" "Men discuss their relationships with women." "Gentlemen don't." "But I'm not a gentleman." "I'm a woman." "Indeed you are." "Then say it." "What's expected of me?" "I'm an emancipated woman and you're an emancipated man." "There are certain things that should remain implicit between men and women." "Why?" "That's the way it's been for thousands of years and I see no reason to change." " I am a creature of habit." " All the more reason." "Now you're using your female attractiveness as a weapon." "Equality, real equality of the sexes bothers you, doesn't it?" "I can speak, read and write Russian, French and Arabic." "Yes, so can I. Plus five other languages." " I can drive any car there is." " So can Hezekiah." "I won the Woman's International Fencing Competition." "En garde." "Very well." "Aah." "Now if you'd won the Men's International Fencing Competition..." "Wait!" "Now, we'll talk this out." "[GRUNTING]" "Now if you'll excuse me." "[GASPS]" "Oh, oh!" "Hezekiah, will you see Miss Dubois to her horse please." " You're afraid!" "You're afraid of a real woman!" " All right, lady, let's go." "I'll show you!" "I'll enter the race myself." "I'll enter my own car and I'll beat you!" "And another thing..." "[PLAYING ATMOSPHERIC MUSIC]" "Professor, dinner is served." "[MUSIC CONTINUES]" "MAX:" "Who is it?" "Uh, I wish to see Professor Fate." "I'm a reporter." "For the Sentinel." "MAX:" "Beat it, little girl, or I'll sic the dogs on you." "[BELL RINGING]" "Who was that?" " Kids, just kids, more kids." " Stupid kids." "You want me to feed you?" "[CLEARS THROAT]" "[DOGS BARKING]" "Listen to that." "Out back by the garage." "The car!" "Hurry up!" "Car!" "Help!" "[SCREAMS]" "Help!" " You sure you locked the door?" " I'm positive." "Professor, be careful." "If you open the door one inch, it sets off the alarm." " I know that." " Help!" "[ALARM WAILING]" "[DOGS CONTINUE BARKING]" "[ALL SHOUTING]" "Get away!" "Get away!" "Help!" "Get me down!" " Help!" " Go away." "You idiot." "Get me down!" "Help!" "Get me down!" "Please!" "FATE:" "Max!" "FATE:" "Out." "And stay out." "MAGGIE:" "You can't treat me that way." "I'll expose you." "Out." "And stay out." "A pox on you!" "I don't care." "You beast of a turncoat." " What are you kicking the professor for?" " Close the door!" " What's the matter?" " Did you hear me?" "Put up your dukes." "Come on." "You're a lunatic." "A lunatic." "You can't talk to me that way." "I'm a member of the press!" "[ALL CHEERING]" "[ORCHESTRA PLAYING ROUSING MUSIC]" "Get off the car, please." "Will you just get off the car?" "Hands off the car." "Get away from there." "Keep your hands away from there." "Get off of the car." "Get away from the car." "Get away from there." " Get away from there." "MAN:" "Hold it." "That's it." "Away from the car." "MAN:" "Hold it." "That's it." " Everything is ready?" " Everything is ready." "MAN:" "Hold it." "Just stay away from the automobile." "I'll sign it for you." "I checked everything over twice." "We're ready to go." "Look, buddy, will you please step to one side like a good boy?" " What do you think you're doing?" " I'm an official entry." " Official entry?" " Representing the Sentinel." " What?" " And since it is my job as a reporter to be there when the first car crosses the finish line it will be necessary for me to win." "[ALL LAUGHING]" "Imagine that crazy female." "She won't even get as far as Albany in that Steamer." "Don't bet on it." "That's a very determined young lady." " Good morning, Hester." " Morning, Maggie." " Have a cigar?" " Thank you." "Hester." "I want to thank you again for this opportunity, Mr. Goodbody." "I had little choice after your conversation with my wife." "Henry, if you can't be more gracious, shut up." " It's a great day for the cause, Maggie." " It is indeed, Hester." "[ORCHESTRA PLAYING]" "Drivers, to your cars." "[ENGINES STARTING]" " Hezekiah." " Boss." "All right, Max." " Good luck, Maggie." " Thank you." "Max!" " Come on, Max." "Max." " All checked." "Are you sure you took care of everything?" "Just keep your eye on car number 2." "[BOTH LAUGHING]" "Now, at approximately the 50 mile mark, car number 3, it loses its transmission." "Ha, ha, transmission." "[BOTH LAUGHING]" "And in about five seconds, car number 4 bites the dust." " Perfect." "Ha-ha-ha!" " Ha-ha-ha!" "[FATE LAUGHING]" "Genius, Max, positive genius." "What's next?" " Car number 5, the engine falls out." " Car number five?" "Ha-ha-ha!" "Max." "We're number 5." "That's not supposed to happen to number 6." "I fixed it so the wheels would come off." "Smoke." "Get the fire extinguisher." " Ah, fire." "I got the extinguisher." " Get the extinguisher." "Coming through." "I got it." "I got it." "I think we got it in time." "I think we got it." "I think we got it now, professor." "Okay, she's out." "FATE:" "Where are you?" " Where are you?" " To your right." "[CAR APPROACHING]" "Hold it." "That was a pigeon." "ALL [SINGING]:" "Mine eyes have seen the glory" "Of the coming of the Lord" "He is trampling out the vintage Where the grapes of wrath are stored" " Get the bird." " Yes, sir." " Come here, bird, just come here." " All right." "Hurry up, will you, Frisbee?" " I'm hurrying." " Frisbee, just get the bird." "Glory, glory, hallelujah!" "Don't lollygag out there, just get the bird." "I got him." "I got him, sir." "[FRISBEE SCREAMS]" " Frisbee." " Yes, I got the bird." "Just hold it." "Frisbee." "Just be quiet." " Oh, please try to save me, sir." " Just be steady, Frisbee." " Just be steady." "Just be steady." " Oh, bless you, sir." " Oh, bless you." " Be quiet now, Frisbee." "And it's organizations like the Sentinel that we must deal with first." "Why, at this very moment the editor sits behind his desk..." "[FRISBEE SCREAMS]" "Frisbee, next time be more careful." "If you're falling, let go of the bird." ""Sentinel car takes lead approximately 600 miles west of Chicago."" "Frisbee." "[FRISBEE SCREAMS]" "Well, that should put us about here." "MAX:" "Ha-ha-ha!" "FATE:" "Farewell." "[BOTH LAUGH]" " Hezekiah, see what's wrong with her car." " Hm?" "Oh, yeah." "[GROANS]" " I must have fainted." " Perfectly natural in this heat." " Thank you for stopping." " My pleasure." "May I offer you some water?" "No, I'm much better now." "Thank you." " Hezekiah, can she be fixed?" " Not a chance, boss." "LESLIE:" "Hmm." " Well, I guess that's the end of that." "I know how disappointed you must be." "But it's amazing that you were able to accomplish what you did." "You mean amazing because I'm a woman." "The Steamer is a fast, sporty, attractive automobile designed for city driving and country picnics." "You're lucky it didn't blow up on you." "You know, it's really amazing that anyone was able to go this far." "I congratulate you." "Not as a woman, but an intrepid autoist." "You mean an intrepid woman autoist." "A rather dubious honor when you consider that the accomplishment is predicated on the fact that you chose the wrong automobile." "Ah, but the choice was not mine." "My editor, a man, made the arrangements." "Your editor is something less than an authority on automobiles." "But you, on the other hand, claim full knowledge of the auto and its workings." " So?" " So being a woman you chose to ignore the practical evidence, acted emotionally entered the race knowing full well that you couldn't possibly finish." "Oh, I'll finish." "May I ask how?" "No, you may not ask how, but I'll finish." "I may not still be an official entry but I will report every foot of this race." " I'll get another car." " From where?" "I don't know." "If I don't, I'll get something else." "I'll find a way, even if I have to walk." "What are you waiting for?" "Every minute wasted is another mile for Professor Fate." "All right." "We'll take you as far as Boracho, where I pick up some gasoline." " Perfect." " From there, you're on your own." "Thank you." "My luggage, please." " Oh, now, wait..." " Hezekiah, the young lady's luggage please." "Huh?" "[ALL WHOOPING]" "Indian attack." "We're being attacked." "Smoke screen, Max." "Give them the smoke screen." "Smoke screen." "No, you idiot." "The smoke screen." "Push the button, Max." "Smoke screen." "[ALL COUGHING]" "Here they come." "Hyah!" "Ho!" "[GUNSHOTS]" "[FATE GROANING]" "Get it down." "Get it down." "[GUNSHOT]" "Take cover, you fools, take cover!" "Indians!" "Savages!" "Get a posse!" "Savages behind us!" " Help!" "MAX:" "Savages attacking us." "Indians." " Right now!" "Take cover." "MAX:" "Indians." "Welcome to Boracho." "Yes, thank you." "Indians, savages attacking us." "Right behind us." "An attack." " Ha, ha." " What's funny?" "That was just the sheriff and some of the men dressed up like Indians." " Why, they rode out to welcome you." " Ha, ha. that's very reassuring, Mr. Mayor." "Now if you will just show us where the gasoline is, we'll be on our way, eh?" " On your way?" " You understand every second counts." " You can't go now." " What do you mean we can't go now?" " Gotta have gas, gas." " You're the guest of honor." "Well, I don't want to be a guest of honor." "I gotta present you with this here key to the city." "He doesn't want a key, he wants gas." " As Mayor of Boracho, I..." " I want gas and I want it now!" " You ain't gonna get no gas till tomorrow." " Tomorrow." "You're gonna accept this here key." "You're gonna attend that meeting tonight or, by jumped-up Harry, you're gonna be guest of honor at a necktie party." "Necktie?" "Well, what kind of cheap present is that?" "Listen to me, you cheap, mealy-mouthed, third-rate healer." " Somebody get me a rope." " You want a rope?" "I got a rope in the car." "MAYOR:" "A rope." "Somebody get me a rope." "Hurry up, they're leaving." "They're leaving." "[GRUNTS]" "Get me a rope, somebody." "Get me a rope." "[ALL CHATTERING]" " You gonna give us any trouble?" " I beg your pardon." "We been planning this here shindig for over a week." "Do we string up the bunch of you or you gonna cooperate and be the guest of honor?" "I greet you with cordiality and good cheer." "It's a pleasure to be accorded this great honor." "It's a big celebration tonight." "You ain't gonna get no gas till tomorrow." "My friends and I look forward to your celebration and the hospitality of your charming community." "[ALL CHEERING]" "[SINGING] It looks to me like a big night tonight" "Big night tonight, big night tonight" "For when the old cat's away All the mice want to play" "And it looks like a big night tonight" "Tonight, tonight" "And it looks like a big night tonight" "For when the old cat's away All the mice want to play" "And it looks like a big night tonight" "Hey, it looks to me like a big night tonight" "Big night tonight, big night tonight" "For when the old cat's away All the mice want to play" "And it looks like a big night It looks like a big night" "It looks like a big night tonight" "[ALL CHEERING]" "[GUNSHOTS]" "Quiet." "Citizens of Boracho." "Quiet." "Citizens of Boracho." "Thank you." "As Mayor of Boracho, I offer a toast to our guest of honor, the Great Leslie." "[ALL CHEERING]" "[GUNSHOTS]" "To the fair city of Boracho." "[ALL CHEERING]" "[GUNSHOTS]" "Now here she is the Queen of the West, Boracho's own Lily Olay." "[ALL CHEERING]" "[GUNSHOTS]" "[SINGING] He sleeps out there" "Out where the coyotes wail" "The reason he ain't At the bar with the boys" "Makes quite a dismal tale" "He shouldn't-a, hadn't-a Oughtn't-a swang on me" "He oughtn't-a, shouldn't-a Hadn't-a, no, siree" "You don't get many callers Sleeping on the lone prairie" "But he shouldn't-a, hadn't-a Oughtn't-a swang on me" "Way out west we're wild and wooly In order to explain it fully" "We're tall grown All grown" "All the men are hairy-chested And all the women, double-breasted" "We're lady-like until molested And then we're on our own" "He shouldn't-a, hadn't-a Oughtn't-a swang on me" "He oughtn't-a, shouldn't-a Hadn't-a felt so free" "His wife gets the the insurance And I'm sorry as can be" "But he shouldn't-a, hadn't-a Oughtn't-a swang on me" "This here job is mighty tryin' Sometimes the room is fairly flyin'" "With high-balls Eye-balls" "Wasn't got 'til somebody got him Tore up the joint from top to bottom" "I think I was the one that shot him As near as I recall" "He shouldn't-a, hadn't-a Oughtn't-a swang on me" "He massacred eight or nine men At the "Lazy B"" "He then took on the sheriff And the sheriff's deputy" "But he shouldn't-a, hadn't-a Oughtn't-a swang on me" "[ALL CHEERING]" "All you boys remember Harry The wrangler I was set to marry" "A long man Strong man" "One night he yells "I'm from Texas!" And socks me in my solar plexus" "Well, having normal, good reflexes I knocked him on his can" "He shouldn't-a, hadn't-a Oughtn't-a blacked my eye" "I'm really a lovable, peaceable kind of guy" "I wouldn't scare a rabbit And I couldn't harm a flea" "But he shouldn't-a, hadn't-a Oughtn't-a swang on me" "[ALL LAUGHING]" " I spotted the gas." " Shut up." "If this story has a moral" "It's when you're looking for a quarrel" "Or show down Slow down" "If by now, you haven't mastered The gentle art of getting plastered" "You're just a low-down, you ain't mastered The motto of our town" "You shouldn't-a, hadn't-a Oughtn't-a start no fight" "Our burying ground Is a most impressive sight" "The message on them tombstones" "Is as simple as can be" "He shouldn't-a, hadn't-a Oughtn't-a swang on me" "He shouldn't-a, hadn't-a Oughtn't-a swang on me" "[ALL CHEERING]" "Howdy, mayor." "Howdy, sheriff." "Hello, there, Curly." "Hello, there." "MAYOR:" "Lily, this here's our guest of honor, the Great Leslie." "It's a pleasure to meet you." "Welcome to Boracho, honey." " Mm!" " Um, won't you join us?" "Just for a minute." "Scoot over." "How long are y'all going to be here?" " Unfortunately, just for the night." " Oh." "We, uh, have to leave in the morning." "That's a pity." "I would like to propose a toast to Miss Olay." " Thank you, y'all." " Heh." "It's lucky Texas Jack ain't around." "He'd gun that dude for sure." "[BAND PLAYING COUNTRY MUSIC]" "Pardon me, Mr. Partner." "Who is this Texas Jack?" " Who's Texas Jack?" " Who?" "The roughest, toughest gunslinger in these parts." "Lily is his girl." "Ooh." " Lily's his girl." " Terrific." "[CHUCKLING]" "Oh." "Honey, your smile is downright painful." "Thank you." "Are you a native of Boracho?" "I ain't no native, I was born here." " Mr. Partner." " Yeah." "Where would I find this Texas Jack?" "He's got a ranch about eight miles south of town." "Why, thank you." "I gotta go up and get on that there moon again." "Don't go away, you hear?" " It's been a pleasure to meet you." " Welcome to Boracho, honey." "[MUSIC STOPS]" "Texas Jack." "Jack." "Now wait a minute, Jack." "This is a friendly celebration." "Fiddledeedee." "I don't much like the way you're celebrating." "So you just step back, sheriff, unless you want to fall back." "Howdy, Jack, honey." "[MAN GRUNTS]" "Jack, honey, don't get rough." " He's the guest of honor." " What?" "Now just a moment." "I'm afraid, sir." "you have me at a disadvantage." "As you can see, I am unarmed." "He's unarmed." "[ALL GRUNTING]" " Let's get the gas." " Not yet." "All right now, everybody stand back and give a man some fighting room." "[ALL GRUNTING]" "Now will you give me some fighting room?" "[WOMEN SCREAMING]" "My camera." "Citizens of Boracho, stop." "Music, somebody." "Start the music." "[UP-BEAT MUSIC PLAYING ON PIANO]" "[WOMEN SINGING INDISTINCTLY]" "Citizens of Borach..." "[GROANS]" "Now will you give me some fighting room?" "Jack, honey." "Excuse me, please." " Now look what you've done." " Me?" " There's the gas." " Fight." " Fight, fight!" "Fight in the saloon!" "Fight!" " Fight!" "Fight!" "Big fight in the saloon!" "Fight!" "Fight!" "There's a big fight in the saloon." "Texas Jack!" "He's drunk!" "[BOTH SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]" "Running amok, I tell you!" "Max." "Max, you idiot, the gas." "Get the gas." "Where's the car?" "Where's the car?" " Get the car!" " I'll get the car." "HEZEKIAH:" "Boss!" "Hey, boss!" "Now can I have me some fighting room?" "Max." "The back is full." "I'll put the rest of the gas in the seat." " Leave it." "Leave it?" "Can't leave it for Leslie." "Leave Leslie to me." "Start the car." "The car." "[CHUCKLES]" "Switch on!" "[BOTH LAUGHING]" "My apologies." "The gasoline." "[CACKLING]" "We shall win." "[FATE CHUCKLES]" "MAX:" "Well, that finishes Leslie." " Oh, no, not Leslie." "Never Leslie." "The Great Leslie." "He'll think of something but we'll be in Alaska by the time he does." "Ha, ha." "[PIGEONS COOING]" "LESLIE:" "Hyah!" "Ha!" "Hyah!" "Ha!" "Whoa!" "I'm offering you a lift." "Or would you prefer an engraved invitation?" " I might consider an apology." " An apology?" "For what?" "It's 20 miles back to Boracho." " You'd never make it." " Well, that's your fault." "My fault." "I warned you." "I would not be left behind in Boracho." "You left me no choice so I had to stow away in Fate's car." "And he cast you adrift." "If you had provided me with transportation as far as Grommet where I could have caught a train, it never would have happened." "Grommet was 100 miles out of our way." "And where are you going now?" "Because Professor Fate destroyed all the gasoline Grommet is a matter of necessity." " And when you reach Grommet you'll send for gasoline?" " Certainly." "But if you were to send for gasoline now it would be in Grommet when you arrived." "If I were to send for gasoline now I would need a telegraph." "Not necessarily." "[PIGEONS COOING]" "I will take you no further than Grommet." "Hey, professor, where we going?" "We save 15 miles by following the tracks, Max." "Oh, terrific." "[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING]" " Is that gasoline?" " Sure is." " Oh, boy." " Let me give you a hand with it." "Wait a minute." " Nobody gets nothing till it's signed for." " Of course." " You M. Dubois?" " I beg your pardon." " Gasoline consigned to M. Dubois." " What?" " Oh, I'm M. Dubois." " I knew it." "You got some identification?" "What did I tell you?" "I told you not to trust her." "My press card." "Okay, just sign on the line." " What if I don't sign?" " You see." "MAN:" "Look, ma'am, you don't sign, you don't get no gas." "Well, Mr. Leslie?" "You wish to continue the race, so do I." "As far as the West Coast?" "If she goes, I stay." "Hezekiah." "You going to sign or do I send the gas back to New York?" "Miss Dubois, this is very..." "The gas is yours if you take me to the West Coast." "Under the circumstances, I consider that fair." "Load the gas back on the train." "She's not signing and the train's leaving in five minutes." "Just one moment, please, sir." "I will not leave without Hezekiah." "If I can change his mind?" "All right." "Suppose you don't change his mind?" "Then I shall take this train back to New York." "Sir, let me give you a hand with the gasoline." "Boys, would you care to join me?" "Hezekiah, I understand how you feel, but I beg you to reconsider." "A deal is a deal." "Well, then I guess I'll have to hurry or I'll miss my train." "Goodbye, Hezekiah." "You mean..." "Well, a deal is a deal." "It's been wonderful knowing you." "What about the gas?" "I signed for it." "Oh, well, I'm sorry." "You see, this race ain't the right place for a woman." "I understand." "MAN:" "Board." "Well, heh..." " Would you take me to the train?" " Oh, well, yes, ma'am." "Boys and girls, this is a six-cylinder automobile with an overhead cam that can produ..." "[TRAIN HORN BLASTS]" "It was built by a company especially for me, for this race." "He, uh, just wouldn't listen, heh." "I told him and, um, he said that he's had enough and, um, he didn't think you could win anyway." "And, um he said he was going to go back to New York." "Double-crossing females." "Hey." "Hey, boss." "Look." "Hey, conductor." "OFFICER:" "You are trying my patience, madam." "HESTER:" "We know our rights." "You're obstructing traffic and disturbing the peace." " And you are exceeding your authority." " I ain't exceeding nothing, lady!" " Then arrest us." " What?" "Arrest us." "I dare you." "[WHISTLE BLOWING]" " Sorry, sir." " I want you to run to City Hall and bail out Mrs. Goodbody." " Yes, sir." "In about two hours." "Yes, sir." "[HUMMING]" "I once went on an anthropological expedition to study the Kwakiutl Indians." "In winter, one Kwakiutl in a blanket froze." "But two Kwakiutls in the same blanket..." " Yes?" " Were warmer." " Would you hold this, please?" " Champagne?" "You put alcohol in the radiator of the automobile to keep it from freezing, don't you?" "I can't see a thing." "Neither can I." "Maybe we'd better stop." "I can't stand it, I'm freezing to death." "Shut up." "Even the thermometer is frozen." "Everything's frozen." "Look at that." "It won't take long to grow back." "It's only a half of a mustache." "[METALLIC CLANK]" "What was that?" "I don't know." "Well, I'll go see." "Ulp!" "Miss Dubois, please." "Thank you." "[MAGGIE SCREAMS]" "Oh." "I'm so terribly sorry." "I thought you were Maximilian." "Nothing to worry about." "We have a lot more champagne in the car." "MAGGIE:" "Oh." "MAX:" "Professor!" "FATE:" "Yes!" "MAX:" "Where are you?" "FATE:" "Behind the rock." "MAX:" "Behind which rock?" "FATE:" "This rock, you idiot." "Come on." "Close the door and hurry it." "Bring it up." "We're safe up here." "Yeah, safe here." "[GROWLING]" "[BOTH SCREAMING]" "MAX:" "Help." "My apologies." "There's a polar bear in our car." "If you don't leave this car immediately, I shall personally feed you to the bear." "If the bears don't get us we'll freeze to death out there." " Freeze right up." "As far as freezing is concerned, you have the same chance that we have." " Not if you put us out in the blizzard." " It's snowing very bad." "May I point out that you've completely demolished my top." "And there's very little difference between the blizzard out there and in here." "Except that you have blankets and stimulants." " Stimulants." "Stimulants." " He's right." "Miss Dubois, you're not suggesting..." "If two in a blanket stand a better chance than one..." "Then four in a blanket..." " He's a cheat and a liar." " That's beside the point." "The point is that we're freezing." "Yes, and the time has come to cast aside our personal differences." "Bury the hatchet." " And you know who has the hatchet." " He doesn't even have a whole mustache." "Can't we settle this whole thing underneath the blanket?" "He's right." "We must get underneath the blanket together." "Close together." "Therefore, it will be necessary to lower the seat." " Lower the seat." "Lower the seat." " Lower the seat." "I got it." " Max, the back." " Don't push." "FATE:" "The foot." "Watch that foot." "MAGGIE:" "Oh." "LESLIE:" "I beg your pardon." "MAGGIE:" "Champagne, professor?" "FATE:" "Ah, thank you." "Ha-ha-ha." "MAX:" "Hey, this is terrific." "FATE:" "May I propose a toast?" "[MAGGIE CHUCKLES]" "FATE:" "What's so funny?" "Something wrong?" "MAGGIE:" "What happened to your mustache?" "MAX:" "I broke it off." "LESLIE:" "You what?" "MAX:" "I broke it off." "It was frozen." "Look." "FATE:" "Ow!" "MAGGIE:" "Oh." "What time is it?" "LESLIE:" "Just a moment." "Seven thirty." " Good morning." " Good morning." "Oh." "Very big." "The head very big." "Time to get up." "FATE:" "Unh!" "Professor, time to get up." "Come on, professor, rise and shine." "Rise and shine?" " Seven thirty." " Then you rise, you shine." " He's always like this in the morning." " I'm not always like this." "This particular morning, I happen to be seasick." "Too much champagne." "I'm not sick from champagne, I'm sick from the sea." " It's not necessary to yell at her." " I'll yell at whoever I wanna yell at." " He always yells like this." " Let me out of here." "Seven thirty in the morning, you idiots, I'm seasick." "[SHOUTS]" "Rise and shine." "Rise and..." "Aah!" "Help!" "Max!" "Max!" "Aah!" "MAX:" "I'm coming, professor." "I got you." "You're wasting your time." " Perhaps." " We're melting." " Slowly." " We're gonna sink." " Eventually." " Then you're wasting your time." "I shall place this log in a water-tight container." "If found, it shall provide valuable information for those who may follow." "Valuable information for those who may follow." " Professor, I got an idea." " What?" "What?" "Instead of the book, why don't you and me get into the container?" "Shut up." " We gotta do something." " Don't worry." "Before this iceberg melts and we drown like rats, we're going to do plenty." " Yeah?" "What?" " We're gonna starve." "Miss Dubois, I recommend we have cold meals from now on." "We're melting fast enough as it is." "What difference does it make?" "A few hours one way or another." "Minutes have made the difference in survival, Miss Dubois." "Mr. Leslie, I suspect you are being unrealistically optimistic for my benefit." "And it isn't at all necessary." "We're lost on an iceberg, and doomed to drift with the tide and slowly melt." "You're a brave woman, Miss Dubois." "Red sky." "So what?" "There's going to be a storm." "What are you talking about?" ""Red sky in the morning, sailor, take warning."" "You thimble-headed gherkin, do you realize the odds against a storm in this part of the ocean at this time of year?" " No, what?" " Hundred-to-1." "[THUNDER RUMBLING]" "FATE:" "Tie the rope down with the car." "[FATE SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]" "Throw me a rope." ""Red sky in the morning, sailor, take warning."" "Why you, nincompoop." "Aah!" "Max." "[HORN HONKING]" " Another foot." " Another foot." "Oh." "Thirty-seven inches to go." "Oh." "Thirty-seven inches to go." "Huzzah!" "At the rate we've been melting that's good for about one more week." "You better keep it to yourself." "Oh." "Of course I'll keep it to myself." "Until the water reaches my lower lip, then I'm gonna mention it to somebody." "Um, what was the professor complaining about?" "You know the professor." "He thinks we're melting too fast, and he was venting his wrath on the gods." "Are we melting too fast?" "I don't think so." "According to my calculations we'll reach land just about the time that our feet get wet." "[BOTH CHUCKLE]" "[HORN HONKING]" " I'm hungry." " She's getting it." "How long does it take to open a can of beans?" "The eternal struggle takes time, Max." "What struggle?" "She's got a can opener." "You cork-brain, I'm talking about man, woman, sex, conquest." "What was that?" "He's making his move." "And I'm sure she's interested." "But unless I miss my guess, she will never submit." "If she does, we won't get any beans." "It's a contest, and he's using weapons that have toppled everything from a Kansas farm girl to a European duchess." "But she will counter with women's rights." "Ha, ha." " That's terrible." " Yes." "For a man like Leslie, that's terrible." "Like me, he must win on his own terms." "She recognizes no terms except her own." "MAGGIE:" "Come and get it." "You see?" "Maybe she don't mean us." "[ALARM RINGING]" " Hey." "Hey, professor." "FATE:" "Hmm?" "Hey, professor, up and at them." "FATE:" "Up and at them?" "MAX:" "It's 7:30." "Up and at them." "FATE: "Up and at them."" " Don't yell." " Always yells like that in the morning." "You idiot." ""Hey, professor, up and at them."" ""Hey, professor, up and at them, it's 7:30."" "We're underwater." "We're underwater." "We're doomed." " We'll make it." " We'll make what?" " Land." " Land." " Ulp!" " Land." "Land." "LESLIE:" "It's probably East Cape." "I see a ship in the harbor." "MAGGIE:" "We're saved." " We're saved." "Max, we're saved!" "We're saved!" " I am Professor Fate!" " We're saved!" " Max, my trusty trout, the cannon!" " The cannon!" "Fire the cannon, let them know we're here." "Ha-ha-ha!" "Push the button, Max." "There she goes." "Max." "MAX:" "Ahoy!" "FATE:" "Ahoy!" " Ahoy!" " Ahoy!" " Ahoy!" " Ahoy!" "Isn't it wonderful to see an American ship in this godforsaken outpost?" "It is indeed." "It's probably from San Francisco or Seattle." "HEZEKIAH:" "Ahoy, iceberg!" "It's me!" "It's me!" "If I didn't know better I would say that's..." "Me!" " Hezekiah." " What?" "LESLIE:" "You gave me your word and I trusted you." "Then you handcuffed Hezekiah to the Atchison, Topeka and Santa Fe." "It was the Southern Pacific." "What has that got to do with it?" "You gave me your word." " You gave me no choice." " You lied." "I told you I would finish the race." " Push the button, Max." " Are you sure this is such a good idea?" "She is his Achilles' heel, she is our ace in the hole." " She must not be left behind now, Max." " I know." "Push the button." "[ALL COUGHING]" "FATE:" "Out of the way." " Out." "Out." " But you can't leave me here." " Hey, boss." "Boss!" "[MAGGIE SCREAMS]" " What are you doing?" "Let me go, unhand me." "LESLIE:" "Watch the car." "HEZEKIAH:" "They're getting away." "LESLIE:" "Miss Dubois." "ALL [CHANTING]:" "We want jobs." "We want jobs." "[ALL CHATTERING]" "HENRY:" "Frisbee?" "Frisbee!" "[MUTTERING]" "Frisbee?" " Oh, I'm sorry, dear." " Oh." " Capitulate, Henry." " Never." "Well, remember, we're having the Simpsons to dinner." " Now try not to be late." " Yes, dear." "Excuse me." "[HESTER YELLS]" "I'm sorry, dear." "I could hardly get across the hall." "What are you complaining about?" "I have to sleep with their leader." "This is from Reuters." ""Last report dated March 10." "Fate's car still in lead and nearing Srednek Kolimsk."" "March 10." "They could have reached the Lena River by now." " Hey, professor, what is this?" " Shut up." "You give them beads, that makes them friendly." "Obviously, they don't know who I am." "I am Professor Fate." "You wanna try the beads?" "What is the word for "friends"?" " Professor..." " Shut up." " I don't know this language." " Get the dictionary." " I've got it." " What is it?" "I can't pronounce it." "Very simple." "[ALL SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN]" "I speak, read and write French, Russian and Arabic." "[SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN]" "[ALL CHEERING]" "Get away from my car!" "Max, stick with the car!" "She don't act like she's being kidnapped." "Max!" "MAX:" "Professor!" "Boss, this dispatch just came in from Maggie Dubois." ""Have crossed Carpanian border." "No contact with Leslie car in nearly three weeks." "So there's no way of telling who is in the lead."" "The Webber Motor Car Company built the Leslie Special." " Have they integrated yet?" " No." "They still refuse to hire any women." "Until Webber changes its policy, there will be no mention of the Leslie Special in this newspaper." "But you can't do that." "We'll lose their advertising." "Mr. Frisbee, until my husband is released from Happy Acres, I am in charge here." "Yes, sir..." "Ma'am." "Now, let's see." "Uh, they should be approaching the next gasoline stop which is Potzdorf." "[CHURCH BELL TOLLING]" "[ALL CHEERING]" "I am General Kuhster." "I will escort you to the palace where you will be the guests of His Royal Highness, Prince Hapnick." "We are deeply honored, sir." "Who's Prince Hapnick?" " He's the royal heir to the throne." " Oh." "[GASPS]" "Aah!" "I say we should've dumped her a long time ago." "I say we shall dump her when I say we'll dump her." "She's playing you for a sucker." "ROLFE:" "Good afternoon, gentlemen." "What do you want?" "Who are you?" "Professor Fate." "And who might you be?" " Incredible." " Amazing." "[HOOFBEATS APPROACHING]" "MAGGIE:" "Let go." "Unhand me." "I found this wildcat swimming in the lake." "I demand to know what this is all about?" "It's very simple:" "You and your friends are under arrest." "[PEOPLE CHATTERING]" " Will you be in Potzdorf long, Mr. Leslie?" " I'm afraid not." "We leave tomorrow morning." "Early." "Where is your competitor, this Professor Fate?" " I suspect not far behind, heh." " If he ain't ahead of us already." "Have you met the Crown Prince yet, Mr. Leslie?" "No, I haven't had the honor." "[TRUMPETS PLAYING FANFARE]" "His Royal Highness, Crown Prince Frederick Hapnick." " Hey, boss..." " Shh." " Yeah, but that's..." " Shh." "No, it isn't." "That was exhausting." "[GIGGLING]" "[SIGHS]" " Your Highness." " Which way...?" "Oh, heh." "Your highness, may I present the Great Leslie." " Your Highness." " And this is Mr. Hezekiah." "Welcome to Potzdorf." "Ahem." "Excuse me, Your Highness, but do you have any relatives in the United States?" "Me?" "Relatives in States?" "It's of no consequence, sire." "It's just that you bear an uncanny resemblance to someone we both know." " Someone who looks like me?" "Ha, ha!" "LESLIE:" "Yes, sir." "[ALL LAUGHING]" "Poor fellow." "[LAUGHING]" "Ah, ahem." "[ALL LAUGHING]" "[PLAYING WALTZ]" "May I have the honor of this dance?" "Heh, in the Kingdom of Carpania if one doesn't waltz one just doesn't dance." "And I love to dance." "[BOTH LAUGH]" "Only problem is, I hate the waltz." "I waltz just enough to comply with tradition then I sneak off to more rewarding activities." "Ha-ha-ha." "Brandy." "I should have scheduled divine entertainment for you:" "Carpania's full of forests." "The forests are full of gypsies and the gypsies are full of shenanigans such as swallowing swords and chewing broken glass, eating fire." "It's wonderful." "I don't know how they do it." " Your Highness should visit India one day." " Mm-hm." "India, isn't that where they have those Hindu persons that walk on hot coals?" "And lie on nails." "Ah." "Ah!" "They train those hideous snakes." "Aah!" "Ha-ha-ha!" "I think I'm supposed to go to India, after I assume the throne..." " Do we go to India, general?" " Yes." "Good, I can hardly wait." "Sit." "Here, have a cigar." "The coronation is tomorrow." "I hope you'll stay, you Great Leslie, you." "I'd be most honored, Your Highness." "But if you attend the coronation, won't you lose time in your race to Paris?" "Since there hasn't been report Professor Fate has crossed your border I must assume that I'm in the lead." "But he might cross at any moment." "It's been my experience, general that there is little advantage to winning if one wins too easily." "[GIBBERING]" "What do you say to that, general?" "An admirable point of view." "For anyone but a soldier." "In my profession, to win is imperative." "To win easily is a blessing." "Yes, blessing." "He has terrible mottos written all over his walls like:" ""If a good soldier dies with his boots on, rest assured they're polished."" "[LAUGHING]" " Good evening, Your Highness." " Rolfe, you rogue, where have you been?" "Uh, my apologies for being late, Your Highness, but I was delayed by, uh some last-minute business." "You haven't been dueling again, you naughty boy." "Heh." "No, Your Highness." "[LAUGHING]" "Mr. Leslie, this is Baron Rolfe Von Stuppe." "Baron Von Stuppe, is Carpania's greatest swordsman." "Matter of fact, his prowess with the blade is surpassed only by his reputation with the ladies." " Baron." " I'm honored." "Sit and drink up." "The evening's young, we're all going to have such a gay..." "Brandy." "What kept you?" "[LAUGHING]" "What makes you so great, Mr. Leslie?" "Greatness is a lighthearted title for theatrical amusements." "Or a definition endowed on men too long dead to know that it's been awarded." "I'm simply Leslie." "And I'm at your service, Your Highness." "[BABBLING]" "[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]" "Oh." "Goodness gracious." "You know there's one thing wrong with living in a palace:" "It takes so long to get from one place to another." "I live in a constant state of exhaustion." "Poor prince." "Ah, ha!" "One good thing, when one was young, you could play along the corridors." "I used to ride my pony up and down this corridor when I was young." "Then I grew up and got drunk, and fell off." "[LAUGHING]" "I'm going to bed now." "Good night, Your Highness." " Who is going to tuck me in?" " I can manage that." "No." "You're the sloppiest tucker-inner in all Potzdorf." "If there's anything I abhor, it's a sloppy tucker-inner." "Good night, you good Leslie, you." "Sleep tight and don't let the bedbugs bite." "Ha, ha!" "Ugh." "There, kids." "They've been waiting for me." "Oh." "Mumsy I'm afraid I had a teeny-weeny little bit too much to drink." "But then again, I always have a teeny-weeny bit too much to drink." "[LAUGHING]" "Because Mumsy isn't here to scold me." "I wish Mumsy was here." "[SNORING]" "[CLEARS THROAT]" "Hello." "Good night, Mumsy." "Running like a top." "Good mechanics gotta always keep checking." "Every little thing." "A beautiful machine." "Indeed it is." "And you make sure nobody gets nearer than 50 feet to it, you understand?" "Unless of course, it's me or, uh Mr. Leslie." " Don't worry." "Well, I'll see you in the morning." "Looks like a beautiful night." "I, uh, uh-uh." "I think I'll just take a little stroll around the palace." "[THUDS]" "[MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]" "Don't make too much noise." "It's a secret." " A secret?" "I love secrets, heh." " Shh." " What's the secret?" " What we're doing, Your Highness." " What's that?" " We're going to take you for a little ride." "Good." "Where are we going?" "For a little ride, Your Highness." "Oh, no!" "Ha-ha-ha!" "In you go." "[LAUGHING]" "Speed on." "King, king, I'm going to be king." "Oh, yeah." "Ah, ha, ha." "It'll do no good to get the bars out of the windows." " Shh." " You and your stupid ideas." "Max can't accomplish anything with a pen knife." "And if he could, it's at least a 100-foot drop." "Unhand me." "You blackguards, scoundrels!" "Unhand me!" "I demand to see the American Consul." "You blundering idiots!" "You'll answer to my government for this outrage!" "Outrage!" "You are kidnapping Fate the Magnificent." "Let's get practical." "I don't care what you do to the others as long as you let me go." "What do you say to $500?" "[WHISTLES]" "Aah!" "Agh!" "[LAUGHING]" "Professor allow me to present His Royal Highness, Prince Hapnick." "Heir to the throne of Carpania." "Hi, there." " It's out." " Shh." "[DOOR KNOB CLICKS]" "[LAUGHING]" " No." "ROLFE:" "I suggest you reconsider." "I won't do it." " Then you leave us no alternative." " I'll do it." "Hezekiah." "[GRUNTS]" "Don't just stand there, do something." "Hezekiah, please wake up." "Hezekiah?" "Please, Hezekiah." "Max." "Max." "Open this door." "Max, you little rat." "I'll get you for this." "By tomorrow, you'll be king." "After that you declare General Kuhster chancellor and quietly abdicate." "Your Highness." "Remember, one slip and you're dead." "Aren't we all?" "Ha-ha-ha." "[FABRIC TEARS THEN MAGGIE YELLS]" "Good evening." "When we get back to the palace, you must trim your mustache." "You must look exactly like the prince." "Uh, can you laugh?" "What do you mean can I laugh?" " The prince has a very individual laugh." " Like what?" "[LAUGHS]" "[BOTH LAUGH]" "No, that's much too bass." "The prince is more of a soprano." "Try it." "[LAUGHING LOUDLY]" "GENERAL:" "Try it once more." "Higher." "I demand to know what this is all about." "You've been told." "You're under arrest." "I know, but for what?" " Spying." " Spying?" "[LAUGHING]" "At last, the Great Leslie is finished." "I've won." "They said I never could." "Get off of the bed." "Don't you try any double-crosses, my friend." "Keep our deal." "He stays in the pokey until I'm safely in Paris." "When it comes to double-crossers, you are looking at the king." "Not until you've trimmed your mustache, Your Majesty." "I hate you." "[KNOCKING ON DOOR]" " I've come to see the Great Leslie." " I'm sorry, padre." "I have orders not to let anyone see the prisoner without proper authority." "I understand." "Bless you, my son." "[THUD]" "Leslie." "Leslie." "Leslie." "LESLIE:" "I'm here." "In here." " Max." " We've gotta go save the professor." "What about Miss Dubois and Hezekiah?" " They're with the baron." " The baron?" "The baron." "He's got everybody." "We've got to go save the professor." "Stop." "Stop." "Stop." " Escaped?" " With a small friar." "Leslie escaped with a chicken?" "No, you idiot, with a friar." "A monk." "A priest." " What should we do?" " The coronation must take place without delay." "With Leslie free, every minute counts." "You're right." "With Leslie on the loose, every second counts." "Are you sure that the baron's castle is on a lake?" "I'm positive." "Great big lake." "And the only lake on this map is straight ahead." "You're not serious?" "Deadly serious." "You're a sadistic fiend." "He has only to answer a few simple questions." "Not the mustache." "Why did you come here?" "Who sent you?" " Proceed." " No." "[GROANS]" "Touch one hair on his head and you'll answer to Teddy Roosevelt and the government of the United States." "[SINGING] My country 'tis of thee" "Sweet land of liberty" "Of thee I sing" "That's it." "On the lake." "On the lake." "Come on, we'll save the professor." "Maximilian, I warn you, if Miss Dubois and Hezekiah are not in that castle..." " They're there, I swear it." "Come on, save the professor." " They're there." "They're there." "Cross my heart." " Shh." "Shh." " Terrific." "Terrific." " Shh." "What's more, do as I tell you." "Stay down." "Down." "Down." "[SINGING] Land where our fathers died" "Land of my pilgrims' pride" "From every mountainside" "Let freedom ring" "Wow!" "Oh, shut up, professor." "[SINGING] My" "Encore." "Country" " They're there." " They're there." "MAX:" "Here comes the Marines!" "[SOLDIERS SHOUTING]" "[GUNSHOT]" "Good evening, baron." "Well, Mr. Leslie." "What a pleasant surprise." "I half expected to see you again, but, uh not with a sword in your hand." "Do you prefer the foil?" "Not particularly." "It happened to be convenient." "I presume you know how to use one." "I hope that won't be necessary." "I'm sure you do." "Will, uh, you release Miss Dubois and the others?" " No." " I'm afraid this will be necessary." "You're being very foolish." "That's an assumption, baron." "You make me the victim even before we start." "It's your life." "Heh, you're assuming again." "En garde." "[ROLFE CHUCKLES]" "Very adroit, Mr. Leslie." "Very skilled." "[ROLFE GRUNTS]" "My compliments, Mr. Leslie." "You handle a foil very well." "Thank you, baron." "So do you." "Personally, I prefer a man's weapon." "How are you with a saber?" "There's only one way to find out." "Mr. Leslie." "SOLDIER:" "Surround him!" "Look out!" "Look out!" "Look out!" "[GUNSHOT]" "SOLDIER:" "Oh, the smoke!" "[SOLDIERS COUGHING]" "[ROLFE GRUNTING]" "Hey, ah!" "Running away, baron?" "As a very wise English gentleman once said:" ""He who fights and runs away, may live to fight another day."" "So until another day, Mr. Leslie." "Please excuse me." "I have a boat waiting." "Faster!" "Ha, ha." "[CEREMONIAL MUSIC PLAYING ON ORGAN]" "[SINGING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]" "[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]" "MAX:" "Professor, the jig is up." "KUSHTER:" "Your Highness." "Your Royal Highness." "Your Royal Highness!" "[ALL CHEERING]" "Wait, Your Royal Highness!" "My prince!" "Out of the way!" "KUSHTER:" "Your Highness." "Aah!" "[GROANING]" "Uh?" "Your Highness, we've got to get out of here." "You wouldn't dare." "Agh!" "Miss Dubois." "Miss Dubois." "Please!" "Ah?" "Aah!" "[LAUGHING]" "Wait for me." "Wait for me." "Aah!" "Ugh." "Ooh!" " Your Majesty." " Hi, there." "[LAUGHING]" "Ugh, brandy!" "Ha, ha, throw more brandy." "More brandy." "Brandy." "Throw more brandy." "[GROANS]" "Rum." "I never mix my pies." "Ha, ha, I wanna play too." "LESLIE:" "Oh, Miss Dubois." "Hey, professor!" "LESLIE:" "Ooh." "MAX:" "Hey, professor!" "Professor!" "It's all set!" "[ALL GRUNTING]" " Ugh." "MAX:" "Hey, professor!" "You." "You're the cause of it all." "It was your idea." "No, Your Highness." "It was Baron Von Stuppe." "I don't care." "I don't care." "You're banished!" "I'm getting a new tucker-inner." "Banished, banished, banished." " Ah." " Uh, Miss Dubois." "MAX:" "Hey, professor!" " Hey, professor, where are you?" " Right here, you idiot." " Terrific." "Let's go." "I got the car." " Go!" "FREDERICK:" "More pies!" "More pies!" "Thank you." "More pies!" "Ha-ha-ha!" "Oh, Leslie!" "Leslie!" "[ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]" "Goodbye!" "Farewell, you good Leslie, you!" "I hope you win!" "I hope you win!" "[CHUCKLES]" "Oh, I'll miss him." "Oh, there it is!" "General?" "[STRUMMING GUITAR]" "Ooh!" "E Flat." "I think I better go and fix the car." "[SINGING ON-SCREEN TEXT]" " Miss Dubois." " Yes?" "I believe the time has come for us to resolve our differences." "Good." "As you know, I've, uh, steadfastly maintained an uncompromising position about women's rights and the equality of sexes." " As have I." " Mm-hm." "Therefore, it is safe to assume that has been the principal area of our conflict." " No doubt about it." " Mm-hm." "Therefore, in the interest of progress and harmony I am willing to concede to your point of view." "Concede?" "You are an emancipated woman, Miss Dubois." "And I am an emancipated man." "[MAGGIE GROANS AND THEN SIGHS]" "[HORN HONKS]" "[MEN SCREAM]" "Come on!" "Ow!" "Agh!" "Come back here." "You are the most unreasonable, inconsistent female..." " I'm unreasonable?" "I'm inconsistent?" " Yes." "Yes." "What about you?" "Talk about inconsistent." " Inconsistent?" " And unreasonable." " Unreasonable?" " And arrogant." " Arrogant?" " Yes, arrogant." "All right, Miss Dubois, let's discuss arrogance for a moment." "All right, Mr. Leslie." "Let's." "[TIRES SCREECH]" "Any woman who has the unmitigated arrogance to consider herself man's equal..." "Any man who has the arrogance to consider himself better than a woman." " Any fool knows that a woman cannot..." " That's right." "Any fool." " You know what's the matter with you?" " I know what's the matter..." "[HORN HONKS]" " Ha, ha!" "Ha-ha-ha!" " Ha, ha!" "What did I tell you?" "She's gonna win the race for us." "The buffleheaded vixen, ha, ha." " I tried to kiss you." " I know what you tried." "LESLIE:" "You're the one that's been preaching emancipation..." "We're going to win, Max." "We're going to win!" "Ha, ha." " I think you turn right at the next corner." " Ha, ha!" " You're not talking about equal rights." " I know what I'm talking about." "You're talking about some convenient feminine utopia that has all of the advantages and no responsibilities." " Responsibilities?" " Yes." "Look who's talking about responsibilities." "Turn right." "[HORN HONKS]" " Go back and turn right." " We do not turn right." " I know Paris." " So do I." "You have to turn right in order to get to the Eiffel Tower." "If we turn right back there, we'd end up on the Montmartre Steps." "You talk a good fight, but when it comes down to it you're as emancipated as a confirmed spinster in a knitting bee." "How would you know?" "You're the suffragette." "You're the one who wanted to bring sex out in the open." " So?" " So I brought it out into the open and I got slapped in the face for my trouble." "Your interpretation of bringing sex out into the open and mine are two different things." "Well, will you please tell me what your concept of sex is?" "Gladly!" "[HORN HONKS]" "You and your stupid map." "She's still with him." "You said if she was with him, we couldn't lose." "Shut up." "[PEOPLE CHEERING]" "And because I consider myself sexually free and morally emancipated I'm still a responsible, discriminating woman who doesn't intend to jump into bed with the first muscle-bound egocentric male who thinks he can seduce me by agreeing with some of the things I believe in." " I only wanted to kiss you." " Why?" "Because I love you, that's why." "Ha." " You don't believe me, huh?" " I do not." " What are you doing?" " Proving that I love you." "You'll lose the race." " Can you think of a better way to prove it?" " Boss." "Boss!" "[ALL CHEERING]" "[HORN HONKING]" "Max, I won." " I won." "I won!" " We won." "We won." " I won!" " We won." " I am invincible!" " We won!" " I have beaten Leslie at last." "I've beaten him!" " We won." "We beat him." "Yes." " The world is mine." " The world is ours." "You lost." "Only the race." " I am king!" " King." "He is king." " I am the king!" " We won." "No, I'm not!" "I didn't beat him!" "He let me win!" "I can't win this way." "I can only win one way:" "My way." "He let me win!" " No." " I can't win your way." "You cheated!" "You cheated!" "You cheated!" "You cheated!" "You cheated, cheated!" "I hate you." "I refuse to accept." "I won't win any way but my way." "You've ruined my reputation." "Do you hear?" "You, I hate." "You with your hair that is always combed." "Your suit is always white." "Your car is always clean." "I refuse to accept." "I challenge you to another race." "[CROWD CHEERING]" " Get off my hood." " Another race." "[CROWD CHEERING]" "[ALL SHOUTING]" " Come on, professor, go." " Ha-ha-ha." "[HORN HONKS]" " Come on, go, go." " Ha, ha." "Relax, this time, I'm going to win it my way." "Push the button, Max." "[CANNON FIRES]"