"Milly!" "Come away from there!" "Come through." "Come on, come away." " It's dangerous that side of..." "(BAB Y GURGLES)" "Oh, hello." "You're awake now, are you?" "Aw!" "Good fellow." "Train approaching the station... (Mimics steam train)" "Woo-hoo!" "Yes!" "Oh, what a strikingly intelligent young man you are!" "Oh!" "Isn't it wonderful?" "The miracle of human life, eh?" "It's just a baby, Peter." "Babies happen all the time." "To think we were once so innocent." "You weren't." "You were born with a suit on." "And an injunction in your pocket." " Do you think he looks at all like Simon?" " No." "Maybe his DNA buggered off at conception, like the rest of him." " These are for you." " Oh, you don't mind, do you?" "I have to get this eight-year-old through her grade one." "That's fine, Honor." "You go, you go." "Leave it to Uncle." "And Auntie." "Thanks." "Oh." "Sorry." "(Peter blows raspberries)" "I thought so." "Given up law, then?" "Full-time surrogate father instead now, are we?" "Daniel has just had his rusk." "Oh, good, good." "Because the Tucker sisters are here." "Their Muffin's been injured." " He fell." " Off a cliff, up by the..." " Lighthouse." "The fencing is..." " Down." " He could've..." " Died." " It isn't safe up there, Mr..." " Kingdom." "Sorry." "Yes, I think I know that place." "It's the council's responsibility to maintain the fencing and to keep the paths safe for you, for Muffin and for the rest of us." "So you can rest assured we'll... we'll pursue this with all our usual vigour." "(Baby cries)" " Oh, I'm sorry." "I have to er..." "If you'll excuse me." "Lyle will see you out." "You've got baby sick down your jacket." "Yes." "Bye." "I want you to draft a letter to the council for me." "Full of, you know, indignation, that sort of thing." "Abrogation of responsibility, duty of care..." " Bye." "Thanks." " Oh!" "Oh, course." "Um, but we need to talk." " I'm sorry about that." "Is he OK?" " Yes, he's just had his nap." "Lyle was about to teach him his rights as a minor under the Law of Tort." "I'm sure he's a very good teacher." "Er, Peter, I need that review - the one that you've been promising me." "Review?" "Er, for what exactly?" "To make sure I'm covering all aspects of the law," " otherwise I can't qualify." " Oh, yes." "Um..." "Er, all right." "How about this?" "You're doing splendidly." "No, no, no." "It has to be proper." "I haven't done any company law yet." "Oh, but that's so dull." "But I can't promise." "You know us." "Here we're at the whim of whatever blows through our door." "Mr Kingdom, I've got something for you." "That's all right, Mr Snell, we already have a coat stand." "Oh, it's Bambi's twin sister." "It's for horn dancing." " Is it?" " Er, all to do with fertility." "We simulate the rut of the stags." "Letting all the girls know that I am fertile and available." "It's a personal injury case." "A very personal injury." "I got impaled in the buttocks by Reg's horn." "That review you were pestering me about, we can discuss it over lunch." "This is lunch, is it?" "Nice to know where I stand in the order of things." "On the contrary, it shows how much I value you." "This is one of the best eateries for miles around." "Hello?" "This their speciality, is it?" "The Mary Celeste burger?" "Er..." "Well, I'm sure this one will be just as good." " Oh." " Yes, just as good." "If not better." "Because I'm hungrier now than I was two minutes ago on the other side of the road." "(Shouting)" " Come on." " Get off me!" "I'm gonna have you!" " Come here!" " I'm gonna have you!" " I'd like to see it, mate." " You will see it!" "You won't be so chirpy in court." "I was here first." " As if you were, whatever!" " Your burgers are pants anyway!" " Get off." " Now, now, now." " Get off me!" " Please." "Now just calm down." " You're a Muppet!" " Whatever!" "Get off!" "Get off me!" "What are you doing?" " You're Peter Kingdom, aren't you?" " Yes." "Something's got to be done about him." "I mean, I'm not being funny or anything, but I was here first." "I've got a reputation and he keeps on nicking my trade." "Well, actually, you don't need me." "You want to speak to our Company Law specialist." " Mr Lyle Anderson here." " Really?" "Oh, right." " So you're the boy, are you?" " Ooh..." "Excellent." "I'll tell you what I'll do." "Two Angus McBeef Burgers coming up." "Sorry." "Well done, Georgina." "By far the best Christmas candle." " She always wins." " Beatrice." "Every week it's the same person." "What's wrong with this?" "Candles, holly, tinsel." "What more do you want?" "There's always the cake-making competition for our next meeting." "Might as well just give her the prize now." "(Sobs)" "Audrey?" "You all right?" "Fine, yes." "Oh, no." "They haven't confirmed it, have they?" "Homeless, at our age." "It's disgraceful." "We had a petition." "Why don't you raise it here?" "What can they do?" "The Market Shipborough Women's Institute can do a lot of things." " Mr Kingdom." " Mrs Pritchard." "Ladies." "Oh, of course, it's the Jumble Sale." "How stupid, I forgot." "Lyle!" "Jumble!" "It's my brother's old things, but you should find something useful." "Er, no, Mr Kingdom." "We're not here for the jumble." "Oh, it's not Beatrice again, is it?" "My mistake." "You can take them back upstairs again." "They didn't want jumble." "And perhaps you'd like to come along for the drive." "I must just make one thing clear, Mr Kingdom." "Although you are the WI's legal representative, you won't be acting for us." "Well, not yet, anyway." " Ugh." "Are we nearly there yet?" " Not far now." "They're going through with it." "Going to shut it down." "After everything we've all been through?" "It doesn't make sense." "Virtually everyone in Market Shipborough signed the petition." "They say it's because of the erosion." "But we all know it's because they want to save money." "If you build a lighthouse here, presumably it's because you need one." "Try telling the bureaucrats in London that." "All they do is read reports." "They've never been here." "Don't they remember 1964?" "Ten people died out there." "We raised our family here, Mr Kingdom." "Have they given you a timetable?" "Letter's all we've got." " It's almost like we don't matter." " Well, you do matter." "Ly..." "Lyle?" "Oh, come on, Lyle." "This could be one of your last chances to get this view." "It's fine, really." "Enjoy it without me." "Come on, Lyle." " Deep breaths." " Keep going." "Oh, at last!" "You hold him." "Just can't type one-handed." " Where's Honor?" " Teaching." "He woke up screaming during Twinkle Twinkle Little Star." "Mr Kingdom, it's affecting Ted's business." "He can't bend over and change his barrels." "I'll deal with it, Mr Snell, I promise you." "Oi, where are you going?" "I need you to help me with the lighthouse." "Better to be thrown in at the deep end." "I'm on company law." "Got to ring the Highways Department." "Peter, I need recipes for cakes and I need them now." " Peter..." " Please, not now." "It's urgent." "How are you on maritime law, hm?" "(Toilet flushes)" "And our survey says pregnant." "Oh, don't be ridiculous." "Well, clearly they're all broken." " Lyle!" " Mr Kingdom, it's coming back to me." "It is negligence." "He slipped on some fruit juice spilt by the toddler group, and it's their responsibility to clear it up." "Since you know so much, why don't you pursue it yourself?" "But in the meantime, there's something you can help me with." "If there's one man who knows how to be a pain in the backside of government monoliths, that man is you." " Thank you." " It's this lighthouse business." "I've spoken to Trinity House." "They say they are still closing it down." "Oh." "So you want me to find some devious way of stopping them?" "Mm, devious, no." "Technical loophole/legal complexity, yes." "What, so you're employing me?" ""Freelance consultant" I think would be a more accurate description." "Ha!" " He's given me a job." " Ad hoc." "And don't worry, he's no higher up the salary scale than the Dickensian wage I'm forced, against my will, to pay you." "Mm." "I spoke to the Council." "They say they've taken all reasonable measures." "As soon as they mend the coastal path fence, some vandal comes and cuts it." "Why can't people just leave it alone?" "I mean, someone could die." "Council say they mended it the day before Muffin went over the edge." "That's another thing." "How did they get Muffin back up?" "He's only about the size of a..." "of a lemming." "Maybe they formed a human chain." "There are two of them and they're each over 50." " Mr Kingdom, just in time for a game." " Or some purple sprouting broccoli." "I'm afraid bringing any kind of action to recover your losses from Muffin's vet bills is unlikely to succeed." "Oh, dear." "These things happen." "Lemon cheesecake?" "Er, no, thanks." "I'm not allowed." "See, they can argue they're doing everything they possibly can." "They've actually been repairing that part of the fence at least twice a week." "Matter of fact, I think even as we speak." "Hopefully that'll do the trick." "Oh, blast!" "Sorry." "Well, possibly, but er... rogue elements armed with bolt cutters are notoriously hard to predict." "The council put DC Yelland on to it, to try to prevent it happening again." "But..." "I'm sorry." "Even in the law, being the innocent party sometimes isn't enough." " Well, Muffin's back to normal." " Normal." " And that's all that..." " Matters." " Mr Kingdom, some you win..." " And some you lose." "This one... we lost." "Have a look at him, look." "What?" "See, there's no rules about where you can or can't trade in a lay-by." " This is very nice." " So what are you saying?" "I'm saying that as long as he leaves the site every night, causes no nuisance or obstruction, well, there's nothing we can do." "Have you got any horseradish?" "I don't believe this." "I should go over there, turn his gas bottles on and torch it to the ground." " Not a good idea." " But we've been here 30 years." "My dad used to run this before me." "We were in The Best Lay-by Guide ten years running, thank you." "He's even calling himself a name like mine." "You see, I'm Burger lt." "OK?" "People know it, they like it." "It's funny." " Mm." "So what's he calling himself?" " Burger Off." " Ah. (Stifles laugh)" " I want him crushed." "Right." "Oh, that's rank." "(Roars)" "Oh, dear." "Have you made one?" "No." "You have, haven't you?" "You're lying." "Just a small sponge." "(Whimpers)" "(Sobs)" "Now, then, young miss... can you remember anyone at the toddlers' group who spilt fruit juice on the floor at, or about, the level of the electric fire on the wall?" "Answer!" "I'm sorry, I don't really remember." "I'm usually far too busy chatting with the other mums." "Mm, lack of parental control." "Got to write that down." "Oh, excuse me." "Oh, Mr Kingdom, Mr Kingdom." "Lighthouses." "I am now the world's official expert on all things flashing." "So, have you found a pearl amongst the oysters, then?" "No, just a lot of grit." "Trinity House have done everything by the book." "They want to close it down, they can do that." "Oh, it's so disappointing after all we've done." " They can even turn it into flats if they want." " Can they?" "You mean they can sell it to whomever they like?" "They can do exactly as they please." "So they could even sell it to someone who wanted to keep it as a lighthouse?" "Oh, very good, Mr Kingdom." "The tomes, Mr Snell, the tomes." "We've got digging to do." "Thank you." "You ever want a company law specialist, I'm your man." "Ah, you've solved the burger van wars of the A147, then?" "Excuse me, not Jeff Smith?" "Do you know him?" "How else do you think I got a waist this size?" "Have you tried the one with double Norfolk Mustard?" "Oh, God!" "Oh!" "Oh, it stings." "It's burning." "Please, give me water." "Give me..." "Aaaah!" "Very strong is Norfolk mustard." "You all right?" " You are all right, yeah?" " Yeah." "Anyway, your dispute." "I think I've got a solution." " Hey!" " Right, get in!" "Get in quick!" "Here you are, mate." " I'll have you!" " Is this guy serious?" " Happens every day, mate." " Right." "Well, he's going to court." "Really?" " It's called a Passing Off action." " Oh, right." "You see, by calling himself a name almost identical to yours he's misrepresenting himself and injuring your established business." "Well, that's brilliant, in't it?" "I tell you what..." "I'm gonna enjoy this." "I'll have to serve him with papers, so I need his name." " Gordon." " Gordon what?" "Well, Gordon Smith." "He's my brother." " Your brother?" " Yeah." " Mr Kingdom." " What is it, Mr Snell?" "I think I've got it." "Congratulations." "You've surpassed yourself." "See?" "I told you, it's a conspiracy." "She should be banned." "Why didn't we think of that?" "Ah, you're here." "Oh, look, you've had a baby." " (Murmuring)" " Ah, well, it's not actually mine." "He's um... he's my brother's." "Well, you know, he wasn't settling very well so I took him out and got him some fresh air, you know." " It seems to have done the trick." " Yeah, he's related to me, too." "d CHOPIN:" "Waltz no.1 in A Flat" "You're saying we buy the lighthouse?" "Er, no, it's a bit more complicated than that." "You see, they're not allowed to sell to the Women's Institute, but they would be allowed to sell to an established Lighthouse Authority." "(Disappointed murmurs)" " No, no." "So we set one up." "We become a Lighthouse Authority." "ALL:" "Oooh..." " It is possible." "It's been done before." "Then I suggest that we put this to the vote." "Oh, I didn't know anyone was here." "Sorry." "Oh, don't let me stop you." " Sounded wonderful." " Oh, I was just tinkering." " Do you play?" " Me?" "No." "Do you want to try?" " You're mad." " I don't think so." "OK, so you're going to accompany me with eight notes, all right?" "I'll show you." "(Excited chatter)" " Ladies." "Ladies!" " What are you looking at me for?" " Wasn't me, either." "We had two people voted against." "No, no..." "Elton John, eat your heart out." "All right, so there's a three count." "After three." " OK." " All right?" "One, two, three." "Wow." " Very good." " That was amazing." "Er, I'm..." "I'm sorry." "I've got to go." "Sorry." "I don't know what I was doing." "All I know is that I've ruined it." "Why did I do it?" "Why, Peter?" "Well, sometimes the moment overtakes us, doesn't it?" "Abandoning our constraints for a joyous nanosecond, we cast our inhibitions to the wind." "What does Lyle think of me?" "Has he said anything?" "Oh, what's the point?" "Even if he has, I've ruined it." "Nothing's ever that black and white." "Will you speak to him?" "You know him." "You know me." " Woman trouble?" " Me?" "No." " Man trouble?" " What?" "!" "Definitely not." "You want to talk about it?" "Not really." "How's your injury doing?" "Superb." "I'm getting a lot of female sympathy since I started showing them the wound." "I haven't actually managed to convert to anything stronger, but I'm working on it." "Maybe that's what you need." "Get yourself an injury, walk with a limp." "Hey, I was only trying to help." "What do I have to say to make you believe me?" "I do believe you." "I did not vote against the lighthouse, I don't give a toss about the lighthouse," "I don't give a toss about those menopausal women." "Why does everybody always blame me?" "I merely wondered aloud who it was." "Oh, piss off." " I'm sorry." " It could have been anyone." "Mrs Lloyd-Jukes has never forgiven Cynthia for taking over the Chair." "Mrs Elliot doesn't speak to Mrs Bolton, ever since the elderflower cordial incident." "Miss Huntley's nose is out of joint since no-one ate her chilli con carne at the hot supper." "You see?" "It's Backstabbers Anonymous!" "I'd no idea it was such a nest of vipers." "(Knock on door)" "Beatrice?" "Beatrice?" "Go away." "Lyle?" "Lyle!" "Peter, Council rang." "Someone's vandalised the coastal path fence again." "Sometime yesterday afternoon." "And you've had 15 messages from separate WI members." "All of them think they know who voted against." "A-ha." "All of them gave me a different name." "Oh, what made me think they'd be capable of running a Lighthouse Authority?" "Lyle?" "Ah, you haven't seen him, have you?" "He hasn't made a point of saying hello, if that's what you mean." " Lyle?" " Who is it?" "It's Archbishop Desmond Tutu." "Who do you think it is?" "You are going to have to talk to her eventually, you know." "You can't lock yourself up here forever like some sort of legal nun." "I didn't start it." "I just went to listen to her playing the piano, and before I knew it we..." "She fancies you." "Oh, for heaven's sake, you could do far worse, you know." "Yeah, and suppose I did pursue it and things get serious?" "She's the mother of your brother's son." "Which means I could end up being stepfather of your nephew, which would make you and me stepbrothers." "Yes, well, fortunately for both of us, in law, such connection has no meaning whatsoever." " But you will speak to her?" " Yes." "Good." "So how are the burger van wars going?" "Actually, yeah, I need to speak to you." "I was going to issue a Passing Off action." "That seems a reasonable way forward." "Except the other burger van man, they're related." "They're brothers." "Brothers?" "Oh, come on, Lyle, what are you afraid of?" "Get a move on." " Lyle." " Hi!" " Excuse me, I..." "I've..." " Can we talk later?" "Yeah." "Later." "I'll just..." "Bye." "Oi, where do you think you're going?" "What you doing over there?" "Take that, mate!" "He says you started it by moving the van in on his patch." "His patch?" "That's great!" "I don't suppose he told you how he got "his patch"?" "Your dad left it to him." "Look, it's me, Jeff." " Lyle Anderson, your solicitor." " Take that!" "Look, I flipped burgers in that lay-by with my dad for ten years." "Me, not him." "While he was off hitchhiking round the globe, I was up to me elbows in burger fat." " He never mentioned..." " Oh, he wouldn't, would he?" "Never does." "Story of my life, that." "Do all the work, get none of the credit." " Why didn't your dad leave the van to you?" " He was the blue-eyed boy." "Four years he was away and then ran home to get bailed out of some financial crisis in Thailand or Australia." "So then, when he came back, took over that place and sacked me, what could I do?" "Bought this van and I'm trying to get back a piece of what's mine." "You can talk all you like, I'm going nowhere." "Call yourself a solicitor?" "Not yet." "After peppers he moves on to tomatoes." "Unless the WI stop their petty squabbling, we are sunk." "Just like the Mona Lee." " Sorry?" " The 1964 tragedy." "It was before my time, Mr Kingdom." "But if this lighthouse isn't here, it'll happen again, mark my words." "Come on, Milly." "Peter?" "What sort of dog was it?" "Big one?" "Little one?" "Sorry, what dog are you talking about?" "Tucker sisters." "Doesn't answer to the name of Muffin, does it?" "Only, I've got a witness says he saw two ladies cutting the fence." "Witness thought the dog was called Muffin." " Are they sure?" " Not enough to press any charges." "But... why on earth would they want to do that?" " (Barks)" " All right, Milly." "All right, Milly." "All right." "Hello." "How is my great nephew?" "Oh, as bouncing and beautiful as ever." "Got you." "Now... where... where is your mummy, eh?" "Nice girl, Honor." "She could do with a decent man." "What she saw in your thoroughly indecent brother, heaven only knows." "You won't go getting too attached now, will you?" "Oh, Aunt Auriel, you fuss too much." "Well, there's always the off chance that Simon might show himself again." "Oh..." "I don't think there's much chance of that, frankly." "Simon, as Christopher Waller, was last seen in Las Vegas over a year ago." "He's probably in some proverbial ditch, dead as..." "Oh, for heaven's sake." "What is going?" "I mean, why don't I just buy a Formula One Ferrari?" "It's got fewer moving parts." "The Women's Institute has always been dominated by self-interest." "That's its strength." "At least everybody knows who dislikes who." "If the world was run by the Women's Institute, we wouldn't have half the problems we do." "Though why they voted against the lighthouse, heaven alone knows." "Yes, and why did the man at the lifeboat station suggest I ask you about the disaster?" "I was courting one of the lifeboat men who was killed that night." "Lionel Purvis." "I don't think it would have led to anything, but I was devastated all the same." "The ship foundered on the rocks and the lifeboat was washed over the top." "Why was the ship so close in?" "Because the lighthouse keeper had let the light go out." "Lord knows what he was doing." "Nobody ever found out." "I don't think he ever came to terms with it himself either." "He took his own life." " Oh, that's terrible." " Yes." "The people you should ask are the Tucker sisters, though they would have been quite young." "The Tuckers?" "It was their Uncle Tom who was the lighthouse keeper." "You knew?" "Well, why didn't you think to tell me?" "Well, I didn't think it was relevant." "In this office, Mr Snell, I'll be the arbiter of what is, or is not, relevant." "So what can you tell me about him, this Tom Tucker?" "Oh, bit of an odd bloke, really." "Never married." "Bit of a strange family all round." "Did those sisters sign the petition?" " I don't know." " Find out from the Planning Department." "I want to know if anyone's lodged an objection to anything involving the lighthouse at any time." "Beatrice." "About this morning, I..." "I didn't mean to upset you." " I'm sorry." "I'm really sorry." " No, you're not, Peter." "What you're sorry for is your own little upset in your own little world." "You're a lawyer, you use words to hurt people." "That is your job." "Mr Kingdom, I've worked out who Ted should sue for his injuries," " and I've sent them off a letter." " Oh, good, good." "Yes." "Um, well done, mm." "Never sent a letter on headed notepaper before." " On my headed paper?" " Yeah." " Mr Snell, you don't work here." " No." "And even if you did, you're not even remotely qualified to bring an action on behalf of any client." " No." " So who are you suing?" "Ah." "Can't remember." "Have you been swimming in ratatouille?" "Can I put laundry on expenses?" "(Phone rings)" "Kingdom Solicitors." "One moment." "It's for you, Peter." "A Mrs Jodie Higgins." "Who?" "Peter Kingdom." "Oh, ye..." "I see." "I see." "And how old is your son?" "Oh, good Lord, I need to get some milk." "Er, ju... ju... ju..." "Just..." "I'm sorry." "Well, I can assure you, Mrs Higgins, that no member of my staff was involved." "I will launch an inquiry and get back to you as soon as I have." "I am so sorry." "Mr Snell, Ted's antler buttocks injury case." "Mm-hm." "What on earth possessed you to sue a two-year-old child?" " A witness?" " I believe so." "I imagine it'll only be a matter of time before DC Yelland is knocking on their door." "And with that dealt with, we'll all feel safer on that path near the lighthouse." "That's very good news." "Very, very good news." "Is it?" "Look, I know that it was you two who have been cutting the fence." "And I know it was the pair of you who voted against the lighthouse the other evening." "Why?" "Your uncle was the lighthouseman." "What's your objection to the lighthouse?" "Sweet peas look nice this year, don't they, Mr Kingdom?" "Forget about the sweet peas, Dolly." "This is important!" "What is your objection to the lighthouse?" "(Knock on door)" "I just can't understand what they've got against it." "If their uncle worked there, surely they know how important that lighthouse is." "Mind you, if Tom Tucker was my uncle, I'd want it knocked down." "Ready?" "You're obviously not listening, mate, because N-O spells "no"." "Well, then, you listen to me, Mr Smith." "The bruising suffered by Mr Anderson here goes way beyond the call of duty of any trainee solicitor." "I don't know where you get your tomatoes from but I suggest you change your supplier before someone gets hurt." "You will talk to your brother and you will talk to him today, even if I have to drag you there myself!" " So can I hit him?" " No, you may not." "There will be no punching, no gouging, no physical contact of any kind." "No water bombs will be launched, and no bottoms will be shown." "Unless you sign up to a complete cessation of hostilities, there will be no deal." "Do I make myself clear?" " Yes." " Good." "Then our diplomatic mission will commence in one minute." "See you there." " Right." "Now, we can do this..." "(Car horn)" "Right." "So we can do this one of two ways." "The first is the legal way where Jeff here takes an action against you, Gordon." " Bring it on." " Which you naturally defend." "Yeah, too right I do." "Which costs you both thousands in fees, with the loser paying even more money." "The only happy people will be me and Mr Anderson." "Yada yada yada." "Because you'll have paid us a fortune which will go a long way towards paying for that holiday in Barbados we've promised ourselves." " Factor 20." " Or you can play it the other way, where you stop being so pathetic and sort it out for yourselves, like men." " Hm." " This is not only cheaper, but it will also spare the Barbadians the sight of me in swimming trunks." "So, which is it to be?" "Have you considered that if you stopped fighting, you could actually work together?" "Hm?" "Both sides of the road." "Er, one business for the good of all concerned." "No more Burger It and Burger Off but..." "Burger All." " Yeah, you're right." "(Car horns)" "I think they want us to get out the road." "I'll see you." "Are you all right?" "You're not hurt?" "Well, if he is, he's not saying anything, like the brave little soldier he is." " Where are you taking Daniel?" " Toddler group." "Tell you what, let me." "You can stay behind and tend Lyle's wounds." "It was a most uncivil war." "Er, Gloria?" "Shall we er... that thing." "Oh." "'Fraid there's been a complete mix-up." "The member of staff responsible had no idea that your son's only two." "Oh, excuse me." "Ted, I'm glad you could come along." "I want you to meet the mother of the boy who spilled the juice that you slipped on." "Is that wise?" "I thought we shouldn't communicate until we got to court." "Oh, you're not gonna sue him." "What d'you mean?" "Sidney said I had an open and shut case." " Oh, he did, did he?" " Yeah." "Well, I thought you wouldn't want to." "Um, you see his mother's recently divorced." " And, er, so is Sarah over there." " Hello." " Emily." " Hello." "Hello." " And Rachel." " Hello." "In fact, you launch a case against the toddler group and you can kiss goodbye to your chances of dating any woman from here to Yarmouth." "Jodie, I'd like you to meet Ted who was injured by your son's fruit juice." " Oh." " Mostly just a flesh wound." "I'd show it to you but, well, you know, there's kiddies present." " It went in here." " Oooh." "We were practising the Horn Dance." "It's all about fertility." "But I see you ladies know all about that." "(LAUGHTER)" " Hi." " Let me." "Oh, thank you, darling." " Do you need a hand?" " No, thank you." "I'm more than capable." "Come on, darling." "So, how did we get on?" " Inquest on Tom Tucker's suicide." " And Shipborough Disaster Inquiry." "Er, there was something in there I didn't know." "On the night in question, there were two young girls in the lighthouse, but they were too young to be called as witnesses." "Mm." "Doreen and Dolly Tucker." "It's not so much a file on him, more a series of complaints." "If you ask me, that's why he killed himself." "Nothing to do with the tragedy." "I'm not so sure." "I think maybe they were both linked." "Um, you haven't seen that, by the way." "No." "No, of course not." "In the same way that I never confirmed they had a dog called Muffin." "(Dog barks inside)" "Oh." "It's you, Mr Kingdom." " Swingball?" " Not today, Miss Tucker." "You see the question that kept coming back to me again and again was why you two wanted that lighthouse shut down." "When you, more than anybody else, know how important it is to keep it open." "And you kept cutting the fence to make the erosion seem more dangerous." "And then I read these." "The inquest into your uncle's death, and the inquiry into the tragedy." "You were at the lighthouse on that night, weren't you?" "It was a secret that your Uncle Tom asked you to keep, wasn't it?" "From what I understand, there were other complaints, other children... other young girls." "Course, you couldn't complain." "You were family." "Mum would get us to take food to Uncle Tom." "We had no choice." "We were told, we went." "Your mother couldn't have known." "No." "And, anyway, how could you tell her?" "You couldn't tell her, you couldn't tell anyone, could you?" "We hate that lighthouse, Mr Kingdom." "I'm sure, for you, it can't fall into the sea soon enough." "All I would say to you is this." "For the moment, just believe that Uncle Tom's lighthouse no longer exists." "It died when he threw himself off the top of it." "It's our lighthouse now." "It belongs to all of us." "Will all those in favour of us creating a Lighthouse Authority to save the Market Shipborough Lighthouse please raise your hands?" "Dwellers all in time and space" "Hallelujah, Hallelujah" "Praise with us the God of grace" "Would the godparents please step forward?" "Oh, dear." "Are you all right, darling?" "Daniel Simon Peter," "I baptise you in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit." " Amen." "CONGREGATION:" "Amen." "Isn't he freezing?" "Aw!" "He has your eyes." "Let's hope that's the only thing of mine he's burdened with." "Oh, come on, he could do worse." "He could have Simon's swindling and fraudulent genetic nature." "Um, christening present." "Oh, you shouldn't have." "What's the point of being a godfather if you can't spoil your godson, eh?" "And er... for you a little something, too." "Oh, it's beautiful." "Oh, listen, you've been more than generous already, letting us stay." "I don't know what I would have done." "It's the least I could do under the circumstances." "Just a shame that Simon isn't here to play a part in his life, too." "Still, I'll do my best to make a poor substitute." "Oh, Simon was never reliable." "We were wondering if you'd be available to baby-sit?" "What do you mean?" "Oh." "Oh, I see." "Um, yes, I'm sure." "Couldn't we?" "Yes." "When?" "Folk tune" " You're good with children." " Me?" "No." "You are." "Don't put yourself down." "(Gurgles)" "You know, if you ever get barred from being a lawyer, you could always become a child minder." "I can't explain it." "I've never felt it before." "It must be something to do with coming from the same gene pool." "It stinks in here." "Have you been smoking?" "(Screams)" " You'll set Daniel off." "Simon." "It's good to see you again."