"Hey, Jas, you awake?" "Jason?" "Hey, Jason, you awake?" "Yeah, Dad, been up for hours." "Just getting dressed." " Did you finish that paper for English class?" " Yeah, did it last night." "Jas, did you eat your oatmeal?" "Yeah, thanks, Mom." "It was delicious." " Here you go, Trooper." " # Is something wrong with me#" "# Or the way that I'm thinking Come on, come on#" "# And tell me why you're staring#" "# Come on, come on--#" "Nice board, Shepherd." "Bret, I would love to hang around and be physically and emotionally abused by you guys, but I should probably get to school." "Ow." "See, I had a feeling you were an excellent bully." "And I was right." "Take it easy." " Give me the skateboard." " You sure?" "'Cause now you're going from harmless bully to hardened board jacker." "I don't think you wanna do that, do you?" "# Come on, come on and tell me why you're staring#" "# Come on, come on and stop ##" "I assume everyone has completed their creative writing assignments." "I don't want to hear excuses." "I just want to hear your assignments read aloud in a slow and peaceful" " You, Joshua." "Go." " Uh, my dog ate it?" " I know you don't have a dog." " Right." "Sorry." " Miss Caldwell ?" " Yes, Kaylee?" "Can you open the door?" "It's kinda toasty in here." "I suppose so." "Jason Shepherd, did you just come in from that window?" "No." "You looked flushed." "I was just creating a cross-draft." "Now that we're all comfortable, why don't you read us your story?" "Let's give someone else a chance." "No, we'd like to hear yours." "You did do it, didn't you?" "Miss Caldwell-- can I call you Phyllis?" " No." " Understood." "But as much as I wanted to write my paper" "I mean, I really, really wanted to write my paper" "I couldn't." "And it's because I spent all last night in the Greenbury General emergency room." "See, my mom made Swedish meatballs for dinner." "It's my dad's favorite." "He was so excited, he accidentally swallowed one whole." "It was awful!" "He started choking." "His faced turned purple." "The meatball was bulging out of his neck." "We rushed him to the E.R." "I kept trying to write my paper in the waiting room, but it was too hard." "I needed to be by my father's side." "After all, he's the only dad I got." "You're lying through your teeth, you little demon." "I wish I were, Phyllis." "Call my dad if you want." "His number's 555-0147." "I think I will." "Are you crazy?" "You're totally gonna get busted." "Say "Harry Shepherd's office." No way." "Don't drag me into this." " Come on." "Help me out." "What am I supposed to do?" " How about write the paper?" " Do it." "Do it!" " No." "No!" "Harry Shepherd's office." "One moment please." "Hello?" "Oh, hello." "Miss Caldwell." "Yes, it's true." "It was terrifying!" "I started to see the white light." "I was just about to cross over to the other side, when I heard the voice of an angel calling out, and when I opened my eyes," "I saw my sweet, sweet Jason standing over me." "And I said, "Back off, Grim Reaper." "I ain't done living yet."" "And with every ounce of gas I had left in my body," "I burped that meatball right across the room." "And I owe it all to my son." "I'm sorry, Miss Caldwell." "I should stop talking now." "My throat is still very sore." "Thank you." "Jason!" "I am so sorry!" "You just take your time handing in that assignment." "Thank you." "Now back to those creative assignments." "You, Trevor." "Go." "Oh!" "Just who I was looking for." "I need to see you in here." "I would love to hang out and chat with you, Miss "C."" "But I've got to get home and help take care of my daddy." "Oh, really?" "How could you lie to us, Jas?" "You told me you wrote that paper." "I don't know." "Unfortunately that essay counts for 1/3 of Jason's grade." "Without it, he's gonna fail the class." "He'll have to repeat the course in summer school." "What?" "I can't go to summer school." "There must be something he can do to make this up." "I'm teaching English as a second language at the community college until 6:00." "If you can get me the paper by then, I'll consider counting it." "And don't even think about downloading something from the Net, Jason." " I want the essay handwritten." " A Thousand-word story in 3 hours?" "That should be no problem since making up stories seems to be your God-given talent." "Making up stories seems to be your God-given talent." "Big..." "Fat..." "Liar." "Kenny Trooper was the world's biggest liar." "They say a little lie can grow bigger and bigger." "One man will pay the price." "People everywhere stopped and stared at the big fat liar." "Yes!" "Why'd he have to steal my skateboard today?" "Nice wheels, Shepherd!" "Freak!" "Uh, sir?" "I think we just hit a kid." "I'm on the phone!" "Sorry." "Apparently we ran over a kid or something." " You all right there, buddy?" " Yeah." "But you gotta help me out." "I have to get to the community college in 2 minutes" " or I'm gonna fail out of 8th grade." " What's going on here?" " I need a ride." " What, am I running a taxi service?" "It's right down the road." "You're lucky I don't sue you for whiplash." "Actually..." "my neck does feel pretty stiff." "Get in the car." "Watch the shoes!" "Watch the shoes!" "Man!" "If you only knew the kind of day I've had!" "Yeah, it must be really, really tough to be 11." "I'm actually 14." "Oh, my mistake." "Jason Shepherd." "Marty Wolf." "Famous Hollywood producer." "I'm in town shooting my new picture." "Oh, yeah, you're that guy." "Dude, no offense, but you have made some stinkers in the last few years." " Yeah, well, everyone has a dry spell, Ebert." " It's Jason." "Trust me." "All it takes is one hit to get you back on top." "Yeah, that's what I'm counting on with this story I'm handing in." "Oh, really?" "Why don't you tell me more about that?" "I tried to get out of it, but my teacher busted me." "What'd you go with, dog ate your homework?" " No." "Dad choked on a meatball." " And you spent all night with him in the E.R.?" "Yeah." "Your teacher called the old man to confirm, you imitated his voice on the cell phone?" "Yeah, pretty much." "All right, listen and learn, short stack." "Here's where you went wrong." "You should've forged the doctor's note, made your dad your sister... and changed the meatball into a chicken wing." "It's much easier to swallow if you G.M.D...which means "Get my drift."" "Wow." "You're good." "No, no, no." "I'm the best." " Here we are." " All right, God bless you, Jared." " It's Jason." " And it always will be." "Keep practicing those lies, Jiminy." "'Cause you can take it from me." "The truth?" "It's overrated." "Now get out!" "I got a movie to produce!" "Thanks for the ride, gentlemen." "Ciao." "Hey-o!" "You left" " Back to the set, sir?" " Yeah." "Double-time it, driver." "Listen, Whitaker, I'm not your sister, I'm not your girlfriend, and I'm not your priest." "So if you wanna remain my partner, I've got 2 words for you." "Shut the heck up!" "You talk way too much!" "Can we cut?" "Can we" "'Cause this ain't working for me at all." "What do you think you're doing?" "Fumigating me in here?" "Move!" "Moving." "Why did you call cut?" "I did not tell you to stop acting, Urkel." "Wolf, how many times have I told you not to call me Urkel?" "My name is Jaleel White, okay?" "Urkel was a character I played when I was a child." "Okay, Jaleel." "Hey, what's the problem?" "Wanna know the problem?" "Yeah." "I'm getting nothing from the chicken, that's the problem." "He sits there with his head slumped over." "I have no idea what my motivation is." "Mmm." "Okay, you're a police officer named Fowl." "Your new partner is a crime-fighting chicken named Whitaker." "And your motivation is a nice fat paycheck that's keeping you out... of working the drive-through window at McDonald's." "Watch yourself, Wolf." "Watch yourself." "No, you watch yourself, pal." "You're just lucky I'm not making you wear the freaky glasses and suspenders." "I swear." "I was riding down the street on Jamie's old bike and some limo hit me." "They offered me a ride." "I spilled all my stuff." "I must've forgotten the paper." "Give us one reason why we should believe you." "Because it's true!" "There was some guy in the limo." "Marty something." "Maybe he took it." "What are our options?" "Without the essay, summer school." "Or... summer school." "Today, students, we're going to learn about the joys of a special friend..." "I like to call Mr. Semicolon." "The semicolon was first used... in a 1734 letter to British Parliament by Mr. Jedediah Wilkinson." "W-I" "L..." "I" "Help... me." "Jason, you must've made at least one friend." "Yeah, come to think of it, the kid behind me who kept flicking boogers at my neck, he seemed like a really nice guy." "I shouldn't even be in that stupid summer school." "If it makes you feel any better, my parents are taking an adventure." "They're going on a river rafting trip in the Grand Canyon." "But do I get an adventure?" "No." "My big adventure is staying at my Grandma Pearl's with her toe fungus." "Well, you can hang out at my place." "My folks are taking a long weekend at some health spa for their anniversary." "It'll just be me and Jamie from Thursday till Sunday." "In a time... when a little lie... can grow bigger... and bigger, one man will pay the price." "Next summer, people everywhere... will stop and stare." "Marty Wolf Pictures presents..." "Kenny Trooper, the Big Fat Liar." "What do you think?" "Wanna see it?" "See it?" "I think I wrote it." "Not that again, Jason." "I'm telling you!" "Wait a minute." "This is it." "Big Fat Liar is already being touted as next summer's must-see movie event." "I recently sat down with Marty Wolf, the mastermind behind this sure-to-be" "That's him!" "That's the guy from the limo." " How'd you come up with this idea?" " Some ideas you... struggle and struggle with." "But the great ones, well, they just come to you." "Yeah!" "From my backpack, you loser!" "Jason." " Dad." "I'm serious." "That guy stole my paper." "You have to believe me." "I can't." "I just don't trust you right now, Jas." "Have a nice weekend, kids." " We will." " See you on Sunday." "Have fun." "Look out for your brother." "Bye-bye." "We'll miss you guys." "Later." "I 'm going over to Rudy's." " Rudy." " Yo, what's up, dog?" "How you living, yo?" "It's crackin', kid!" "Peace out, little "G."" "Booyah!" "He's not literally a catcher eating rye bread." "It's more of a metaphor for a state of adolescent angst." " We need to talk." " I'm tutoring." "Bet you wish you still had your skateboard, huh, Shepherd?" "Let's see." "Fully-developed brain." "Skateboard." " I think I'll take the brain." " But I have your skateboard." "Kaylee, pack your bags." "We're going on a trip." "I can't just go to Los Angeles." "And I can't go through my life having my parents think I'm a liar." "But you are a liar." "In general that's true." "But this time I'm telling the truth." "I wrote that paper." "And I'm not gonna rest until Wolf admits he stole it and my parents know it." "What are we supposed to do?" "Walk across the country?" "3 years of yard work and baby-sitting money." "Our flight leaves in 2 hours." "What about my Grandma Pearl?" "I'm staying at her house while my parents are away." "That woman doesn't even know what year it is." "You said you wanted an adventure." "We'll go to L.A., I'll get my paper, and we'll be back before the long weekend is over." "My grandma will notice if I don't even show up at all." "Hey, Kaylee, you got a plunger?" "I took a dookie and I clogged up the toilet." "Oh, boy." "Oh, no." "What a mess." " This is never gonna work." "She's not that blind and senile." " Oh, it'll work." "If any of my team mates see me, Shepherd, you're dead." "Hey, we made a deal." "You want us to do your summer school homework or not?" "Yeah, it's just-- It's only a few days." "And remember." "You have to make your voice sound like a girl's." "Come on, big feller." "Who's there?" "I've got a gun." "It's just Kaylee, Grandma." "Kaylee?" "You can't be Kaylee." "You've grown so tall." "And you're so muscular!" "I'm benching like 220, 230." "Good for you!" "Give me a hug." "Come on." "# Me, myself and I#" "# Me, myself and I Just me, myself and I#" "# Ahh-ahh-ahh#" "Follow my lead." "Okay." "Hi." "I'm Mr. Stroog." "You serious?" "Is there a problem?" "No, no." "Uh" "Just you're kind a young to be the biggest fur coat distributor of the Midwest, you know?" "It's a family business." "I've been selling pelts since I was a baby." "Okay." "I'm Frank." "Frank, we want to get some sightseeing in before we start covering this town in fur." "Okay." "So this here is a little place I like to call..." "Los Angeles." "# Me, myself, myself and I#" "#Just me, myself#" "# Do it all the time #" "# I wanna get by #" "# And that's fine #" "# Me, myself, myself and I Just me, myself and I #" " Thanks for the lift, Frank." "We'll take it from here." " You got it, Mr. Stroog." "Here's my card." "If you need a ride, give me a shout-out." "Thanks." "Welcome, ladies and gentlemen." "This is Ron, your driver, and I am Arthur, your tour guide." "So, what's the plan?" "When we get to Wolf's building, we jump off, infiltrate his office, make him admit he stole my story." "That's it?" "That's the lamest plan I've ever heard." "Trust me." "It's gonna work." "So stay tuned." "This is the back lot where many of our hit movies are made." "And speaking of movies, in just a few days we're beginning filming... next summer's smash sensation-- Come on, follow me." "Big Fat Liar!" "Excuse me, guard?" "Where's stage 2?" "Security!" "Let's go!" "Can I take a moment to say:" "How totally awesome is this?" "Marty Wolf Pictures." "Please hold." "Marty Wolf Pictures." "Please hold." "Can I help you?" " We're here to see Marty Wolf." " Do you have an appointment?" "I ask you," "Astrid, what kind of sick world this is when children need an appointment to see their own father?" "Mr. Wolf doesn't have children." "Not that he knows of." "Look, this is gonna be an emotional reunion for all of us, so once you let us in, you're probably gonna wanna hold Papa's calls as well." "Mr. Wolf doesn't see anyone without an appointment." "Marty Wolf Pictures." "No, she stepped away." "I'd love to take a message." "You've got it." "If you'd slow down" "Help me out." "Help me out." "No." "No." "Help me out." "Help me out." "Help me out." "No." "No." "No." "Okay." "Oh." "Marty Wolf Pictures." "One moment, please." " Operator." " Hi." "Marty Wolf Pictures, please." " Marty Wolf Pictures." " Astrid Barker, please?" "Speaking." "This is Doris Del Rio down in parking." " Do you drive a Saturn?" " Yes." " Well, it's um" " It's parked on a dog." " I'm not gonna say that." " Come on!" " Hello?" " Your car's parked on a dog." "Your car is parked on a dog." "My car is parked on a dog?" "Yes, ma'am." "In the tail area to be more specific." "It's gruesome, actually." "Listen for yourself." "Hang on, okay?" "I'm coming!" "Don't die!" "Just stay!" "Keep breathing!" "Think of a happy place." "All right, keep a lookout." "I'm sure this thing will be over in just a few minutes." "Marty Wolf Pictures." "Can I take a message?" "Mr. Wolf is about to go into a meeting." "Uh-huh." "San" " Sandler." "We're not just looking for my personal organizer, Monty." "That thing is my life!" "If you've lost it, then you've killed me." "Simple as that." "Draw a line of chalk around me, because I am dead!" " I understand that." " No, you don't." "You always say that." "No, you don't!" "Did you check your jacket pocket?" " What do I look like, a moron?" " No, if you remember that one time" "Fine, Monty, fine." "If it'll make you happy, I'll check my jacket pocket." "It's in there." "Uh, hello?" "Excuse me." "Hey, how's it goin'?" " Ah, who are you?" " Jason Shepherd." "Remember me?" "I wrote Big Fat Liar." "Ah" "Monty, hold my calls." "Give me a few minutes alone here with Mr. Shepherd." "Well, well, well." "Jason Shepherd!" "The young man from Greenbury, Michigan." "I must tell you, this is quite a surprise." "What can I do for you, amigo?" "I want you to call my dad and tell him you stole the story from me." "Call your dad?" "Why?" "Because it's the truth, and you're the only one he'll believe." "You traveled halfway across the country... to get me to call your dad and tell him you did your homework?" "You make that phone call, and you will never hear from me again." " Okay." " Really?" "Yup." "It's a great piece of work, kid." "And I'm not just blowing smoke." "I refer back to it whenever I get in a bind on the script." "So you'll give it back to me and make the phone call?" "Hey, you gave me my movie." "It's the very least I can do for you." "Hey..." "you smoke cigars, hotshot?" "I'm... 14, Wolf." "All right, suit yourself." "Jason Shepherd of Greenbury, Michigan" "Ahh." "It was a pleasure doing business with ya." " Oh!" "What have I done?" " No!" "No!" "Stand back, son!" "Let me try and tamp it out with this lit cigar." "Oh, I seem to be making matters worse." "Good move!" "Hold on, help is on the way." "Stand back!" "Oh!" "Ohhh." "You're sick!" "You know that?" "All I wanted you to do was call my dad and tell him I wrote that paper!" "Or else what?" "You gonna shoot me with a spitball, hmm?" "Gonna give me a wedgie?" "Grow up, Shepherd!" "This is Hollywood, baby." "It's a dog-eat-dog town." "Worse." "We got cats eating' cats." "We got fish munching' fish." "We play by our own rules." "I am not leaving until you make that call!" " Oh, I'll make a call, all right." " Malone speaking." "Rocco, this is the Wolf." "Send a couple of your boys down here." "I got a Code "W"" "Another angry writer refusing to leave." "Wolf out." "I tried to play fair, Wolf, but you asked for it!" " You asked for it." "You don't know who you're messing with!" " Come on!" "Thanks for holding." "Can you spell Soderbergh for me?" "Thanks, Steven." "I'll have Mr. Wolf return." " Marty Wolf Pictures." " No, you don't understand!" "Let go!" "I'm telling you." "It was my idea." "Oh, yeah, and I wrote The Nutty Professor." "I heard it all before." "Uh... hi." "Hey, Astrid." "Adam Sandler called to set up a lunch." "I sent some flowers to Meg Ryan 'cause she sounded like she had a cold." "Oh, and I scheduled a deep body massage for you at 3:.00." "You look like you can use a little "you" time." "Thank you, kind stranger." "What can I say?" "This is Hollywood, Kaylee." "It's a fish-eat-fish town." "They play by their own rules out here." " Does that mean we're going home?" " We're going home... as soon as Wolf admits he stole my story." "I'm not trying to be negative, but didn't we just find out Wolf isn't going to admit the truth?" " He'll do it." " How?" " 'Cause I have his life in the palm of my hand." " Great, so we're stealing now." "We're not stealing." "We're borrowing." "I've got Wolf's alarm codes, credit card numbers, his schedule." "So?" "So this is awesome." "Give me one day and I'll figure out a way to use this info against him." "I don't know, Jas." "I can't go home until my dad knows the truth." "If you saw the way he looked at me." "It was like" "I don't know." "Like I wasn't his kid anymore." "Do you think your plan might include food and a place to sleep?" "The guard!" "Let's get outta here!" "Let's check out that warehouse." "Looks like we found our temporary home." "Look at all this stuff." "Oh!" "All right, Kay, we're gonna need clothes and supplies." "Let's hunker down until the law dogs punch out, and start racking up the merch." "What are you talking about?" "We'll stay here until closing time and then we go shopping." "# The party's just begun#" "# Everybody's having fun#" "# Why don't we run away #" "# And play some one-on-one #" "# Let's find a place just you and me #" "# With no one around#" "# Where we can be who we wanna be #" "# And no one brings us down #" "# I, I wish this night would never end#" "# I, I wish this night would never end#" "# We're on our own Just me and you #" "# No one around#" "# Where we can do what we wanna do #" "# I hope we're never found#" "# I, I wish this night would never end#" "# I wish this night would never end##" "Jas?" "I 'm at the beach." "Hey, Frank." "Mr. Stroog." "Meet us at the studio gate in 20." "Hey." " What's with the Cokes?" " The machine, it's rigged." "They're free." "They're free!" "Good morning, Frank." "Let's get moving." "We've got furs to sell." "Yeah." "Fur coat king of the Midwest, my butt!" "I've got some R-rated dialogue for you, but I'm gonna keep it P.G." "I'm gonna keep it P.G. You owe me $100 for yesterday's ride." " Maybe" " You almost cost me my job." " I'm sorry, I can explain." " D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D!" "Hear that?" "Just" " Maybe if we" " I don't wanna hear it." "Okay?" "I know, I just" "If you" " If" " Don't" "I'm sorry." "It's just that we came out here to get even with this guy Marty Wolf." " He stole my story." "He's making it into this big movie." " Did you just say Marty Wolf?" " Yeah." "You know him?" "Know him?" "I used to drive him." "He fired me last year." " Why?" " I'm an actor." "See?" "Right?" "And I made the mistake of asking him if I could audition for one of his movies." "He could've said no and not let me audition." "But instead he takes my head shot, writes "loser" across my forehead, and then faxes it to every casting director in town." "You poor thing." "If you guys wanna mess with Wolf, I got your back." "Today, it's know the enemy time." "Right on schedule." "Okay, people, we begin production in 2 days." "Dusty!" "El director." "First up's the big stunt." "I wanna start this shoot off with a bang!" "I wanna blow them away right out of the gate!" "Hit me!" " Rock and roll, baby, I am ready to party." " Go!" "Okay!" "Harumph!" "We open." "12 different camera angles." "Smoke ascending from the streets of the city." "Kastang!" "Birds descending from the heavens like winged messengers from above, beckoning." "Confucius say, "Easy does it, skippy."" "I can barely afford one camera, let alone 12." "And forget the birds." "Monty, talk to me about the budget." "We're 2 million dollars over, and the studio hasn't approved the new budget." "When are they supposed to do that?" "Tomorrow morning you have a breakfast meeting at Marcus Duncan's house." "Oh." "I have a breakfast meeting at Marcus Duncan's house." "You can tell our little vice president he can drag his sorry butt to my place if he wants to have a little sit-down chin-wag with the Wolf Man." "Actually, sir, he's not the V.P. anymore." "He's the president." "I see." "Well, um, get his address, we don't wanna be late now, do we?" "Next!" "Now, for a big movie, you need a big stunt." "And for a big stunt, you need serious media coverage." "I'm talkin' TV, print, that Internet crap, everything." "Now who's handling that?" "I am." "Jocelyn Davis, senior V.P. of publicity." "Yeah?" "Sure you're not senior V.P. of Twinkies?" "Ooh, funny." " I'll make sure the shoot is well-covered." " Terrific!" "Okay, people, meeting's over." "What's next, Monty?" "Cool!" "12:30, stunt demonstration." " What do you think, Marty?" "Nice, huh?" " Perfect." "What do you think?" " Bam!" "Loved it." " Yeah, but actually, I think..." "I liked it better the first time I saw it... in 1942, you dinosaur!" " Vince, meet my new effects whiz, Lester Golub." " Pleasure to meet" "Shh!" "Lester is going to design the stunt on his iBook." "And your stunt guy's gonna do whatever the computer tells him to do." "I don't need a computer to show me how to do my job." "Geek boy, ignore Father Time over here and get workin'." "From the looks of you, I'm sure that you don't have a social life." "So you two will get together tomorrow to finalize the details." "Play nice." "I'm off tomorrow." "I'm taking a personal day." "I" " What was that?" "Personal day?" "Wh-What are you talking about, Vince?" "What's a personal day?" "I'm taking my granddaughter to a birthday party." " Ahh!" "Oh." "May I?" " Sure." "Oh, that is great!" "Would you look at that!" "Clown with the crazy hair!" "Oh, man!" "Man, that's fun." "See, this is the movie business, Grandpa!" "The talkies!" "You know?" "You can take your personal day in a year or 2 when you're dead!" "Today we learned we're officially dealing with the meanest man alive!" "All right, colored dye." "Check." "MegaGlue." "Check." "Oh, my God." "Grandma Pearl." "Bret must be in a living hell right now." "How many more, Kaylee?" "50, I gotta get ripped, baby." "Oh, yeah!" "Oh, yeah!" "Feel no burn!" "'Cause I'm the best, baby!" "I'm the best!" "You know, Grandma, you should think about getting into shape yourself." "One more, Grandma!" "One more, Grandma!" "It's all you!" "I ain't helping!" "Last one!" "Yeah!" "Hello?" " Hey, Jas." " Hey, Dad!" "Just called to see how you were doing." " Um, doing good." "You know, staying out of trouble." " What's that noise?" "Just doing this experiment for science class, this thing with ball bearings and bells." "Just wanted to check in 'cause you looked upset when we left." "Yeah, about that, Dad." "I just want you to know, I totally get what you said about the whole trust thing." "I think when you get back, you'll see I've been trying really hard to earn it." " Glad to hear it, pal." " Good night, Dad." " Night." " Call forwarding." "Gotta love it." "You really think this is gonna work?" "One day." "That's all it's gonna take." "Wolf's not gonna know what hit him." "Jas, little help here." "What about your parents?" "Think they'll call?" "They're in the middle of the canyon." "There's no phones." "Hey, thanks for coming out here with me." "I came for the adventure, remember?" "Right." "Anyway, we should get some sleep." " Tomorrow we launch phase 2." " Whoa!" "It's show time, Mr. Funny bones." "You cute little monkey, you!" "You!" "Look out!" ""Ow!" "Cut it out, Marty!"" ""Hey, that kills, Marty."" "Hungry!" "# Dark in the city Night is a wire#" "# Steam in the subway Earth is afire #" "# Do-do-do-do #" "# Woman you want me Give me a sign #" "# And catch my breathing even closer behind#" "# Do-do-do-do #" "Mr. Earpiece, meet Miss MegaGlue." "# I'm on the hunt I'm after you #" "# Smell like I sound I'm lost in a crowd#" "# And I'm hungry like the wolf#" "# Straddle the line in discord and rhyme #" "# I'm on the hunt I'm after you #" "# Mouth is alive with juices like wine #" "# And I'm hungry like the wolf#" "# Stalked through the forest too close to hide #" "# I'll be upon you by the moonlight sign #" "# Do-do-do-do #" "Let's dance, Funny bones!" "# High blood drumming on your skin, it's so tight #" "# You feel my heat I'm just a moment behind#" "# Do-do-do-do #" "Oh, my God!" "Good morning." "Marty Wolf Pictures." "This is Monty." "Monty!" "Charisma from Marcus Duncan's office." "I'm temping for a second assistant." "I am so psyched you're there." "I was watching Charmed on the W.B. last night and just as Alyssa Milano was about to put a spell on her demon boyfriend," "I had the biggest panic attack that I forgot to give you Duncan's new address." "Really?" "I didn't know he moved." "That was quick." "Oh, yeah, in a big way." "He bought like the sickest pad in the 90210." "We're talking mondo bucks." "Anyhoo, tell Mr. Wolf that Duncan lives at... 867 North Maple Drive." "All right." "Thanks." "Got it." "What?" "It's Monty." "I'm glad I caught you." "Duncan moved." "You gonna have to cancel the meeting." "And get one of the make up chicks to meet me at the office." "This is an emergency." "No, no." "You cannot cancel the meeting." "If Duncan doesn't approve the new budget, we can't start shooting tomorrow." "I don't think you understand, Monty." "I'm blue." "Aw, come on." "Now, we all have our off days." "No, I mean I'm literally" "And I've got orange" "Come on, Wolf Man." "Okay, forget it." "Give me his address." "I'll figure something out." "867 North Maple." "Copy that." "Did you come up with an ending for the script yet?" "Wolf, I'm working on it." "I'm headed across the lot to do some research, but, I could use a little help." "Monty, I am writing and producing a major motion picture." "I don't have time to work on the script!" "That's your job." "Now, stop wasting time and get to work!" "I'm 24 hours away from the most important shoot of my career." "Wolf out!" "Ow!" "Oh, G" " Get glasses, Grandma!" " Up yours, blue boy!" " Yeah, I'm, uh" " Si, si, comprendo" "Got the alarm codes?" "I'm all over it." "Rough." "Sister, I invented the word rough." "Duncan will be eating sugar cubes out of my hand by the time I'm finished with him." "Right." "What the" "It's the clown!" "Let's hurt him!" "Excuse me" "I need backup!" "Incoming!" "I'm a very powerful Hollywood producer!" " What am I doing here?" " Don't touch that, don't touch that..." " You kids are all gonna be hearing from my lawyer!" " Don't let him get away!" "Get off of me!" "You wanna dance, kid?" "Let's dance!" "You want a piece of me?" "You want a piece of me?" "You're going down, clown!" "Good, bring it!" "I'm Marty Wolf!" "You have any idea who I am?" "Come on, 4 eyes, huh?" "Hey, head's up, clown!" "You're not even funny, clown!" " Hello?" " Monty, where the hell did you send me?" " Because it sure wasn't Duncan's house!" " How was I supposed to know?" "Don't speak, just listen." "Whatever you do, you gotta get me in there with Duncan!" "I'll just reschedule the meeting, Marty!" "Geez!" "Okay." "That's all you had to say." "Adios, sugar puff!" "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" "What the" "Stop!" "Hey, Marty, I like your new coloring." "It works for you." " You did this?" " Yup." "And it can end anytime." "All you have to do is make one phone call to my dad." "Shouldn't be much of a problem since that headset is superglued to your ear!" "Here's my dad's number." "Hi." "Call me." "Bye-bye." "Rotten kids!" "Shepherd!" "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" "That's it!" "Oh... my..." "God!" " I'm gonna kill you!" " Take it easy, man." "It wasn't my fault." " The oldbag rear-ended me." " Eat my boobies, blue boy!" "That's very nice." "That's really charming from a woman of your advanced years." "Have a nice day!" "It's just the tire." "You're gonna pay for this!" "All right, listen... "Masher" I'm sure we can come to some monetary arrangement." "Yeah, that's what I thought, tough guy!" "Who's the tough guy now, pal?" "Oh, no." "Come on." "No, dude, no." "Back off, man!" "No way!" "2 meetings in a row, Monty." "This is not the way to get on the new president's good side." "I'm sorry, sir." "I'm sure there must be some explanation." "They told me to pick up a little blue car." "They didn't say anything about a little blue man!" "You got the Wolf." "Where are you?" "I am at Duncan's office right now!" "I'm, uh-- I'm not gonna make it." "You, uh, tell him it's your fault and reschedule." "I am not gonna lie to the new president of the studio, Marty." "Don't get all high and mighty on me, Monty, 'cause if I go down, you're ridin' shotgun," "Tootsie Roll-- now, make something up!" "And I'll smooth things over with him at the premiere." " Fine." " Wolf, out!" "Hi, everybody." "I'm Pat O'Brien, and welcome to Tinsel town." "Well, here we are again, this time at the world premiere of producer Marty Wolf's action comedy, Whitaker and Fowl." "So this must be a very exciting evening for you." "Oh, yes!" "You know, it's just good to get the past behind me... and finally be taken seriously as an actor." "Can I give a shout-out?" "Oh, my God, it's the chicken!" "Whitaker, over here!" "Well, it looks like all of Hollywood has turned out for this one." "But the question is, where is Marty Wolf?" " Oh!" " Oh, sweet Moses!" " What is that?" " Don't look in his eyes." " Hey there, Marty." " H-Hi!" "Ready to end this?" "Oh, kid." "You have no idea who you are dealing with." "You think I care about a couple of little pranks?" "Nah." "See you around, Shepherd." "Hello?" "This is J-Dog calling K-Bird." "Repeat, J-Dog calling K-Bird." "Jas, is that you?" " Yeah." "I'm using code names." "Wolf didn't throw in the towel." "We're moving into phase 3" " What's phase 3?" " We're goin' to our first Hollywood soiree." "I didn't know what to expect, but all of a sudden it's like bam!" "Bad movie!" "Can you say "boring"?" "Like when you did Saved by the Bell." "Quality, okay?" "I mean, substance." "Worst film in the world." "Whoa!" "There he is!" "El Presidente." "Ah." "And his wife, the very lovely Shaniqua." "It's Shandra." "Great to see ya." "Well?" "I mean, I think they loved it!" "Don't you?" "I think that sad excuse for a movie just lost the studio $30 million." "I'm pulling the plug on Big Fat Liar." " What?" " It's over, Wolf." "Look, just hear me out." "The truth is" " Would you excuse us please, Shananny?" "The truth is, I missed those meetings because I had... an incredible breakthrough on B.F.L., which I was working on all day, and I wanted to wait until we were in front of the entire industry... to make my presentation." " One chance, Wolf, that's all I'm givin' you." " And that's all I need." "Strap on your seat belt, Dr. Duncanstein, because you are about to be blown away." " Monty!" " Sorry." "Marty!" "God!" "What's going on?" "What is this big presentation you're giving about the movie?" "I have no idea!" "None!" "None." "It is" "I can help you." "Why do you keep showing up in my life?" "Sounds like you need to come up with some big idea for Big Fat Liar." "Right?" "What?" "Some 10-year-old kid is gonna tell me how to fix my entire movie?" "First of all, I'm 14." "Second of all, I created the story." "You think I can't at least come up with a few good twists?" " Uh-huh." " No" "You mean that this kid really did write Big Fat Liar?" "Uh" " No, he wrote a little English paper... with the same title-- big deal." "I-It's" " It-- Uh" "He's" " Don't do it, Jason." " Kid." "I swear to you, you get me out of this mess, and I'll tell your dad you wrote Big Fat Liar," "Erin Brockovich and Saving Private Ryan too." "Uh, ladies and gentlemen." "Friends!" "Uh, if I can have your attention for just a moment, please?" "You're all probably wondering why I'm blue and orange." "Just go with me for a second." "You see, uh, Big Fat Liar." "B.F.L. " Bfl " as it's come to be known, is full of action, romance, effects-- oh, you bet!" "But what it lacks right now is a message." "Trooper's girlfriend makes this new potion which is supposed to make him shrink." "But instead, it causes him to change color." " Why?" " Because now, the twist is... he can't even lie about his feelings anymore." "You see, his girlfriend, Penny, she makes Trooper an antidote... which, instead of curing him-- whoa-- causes him to change colors." "When he's bummed out about stuff, he turns blue." " When depressed, he turns blue." " When he's mad, his hair turns red." "When he's angry, boom!" "His curly locks turn the color of a flaming brushfire!" "But when he discovers the ultimate truth that he's in love with Penny, the softest shade of pink... finds its way across his visage." "I didn't tell him to say that!" "Wolf, what are you doing?" "You're not listening to me." "Just stick to the plan" "I'm sorry." "The emotions in this movie are just so painful." "They are painful because-- 'cause they hit home, right here... in the old corazon." " Who among us hasn't told a little white lie?" " I have." " Anybody else?" "You?" " Guilty." "You?" "It's all right, don't be ashamed, brother, because I am right there with you." "I am right there with you." "You're all right, man." "Because our picture... looks the audience right in the eye... and says enough is enough!" "Lying has gotta stop." "The truth and the truth alone shall set you free!" "Friends, God bless all of you." "God bless America, and God bless Big Fat Liar!" "Very impressive, Marty." " Now, does this mean that you will approve the budget?" " You start shooting tomorrow." " That's great." " But if anything, and I mean anything, goes wrong, your movie, your deal at the studio and your career will be over, you hear me?" "Okay." "Hey-o!" "Shepherd, you are a genius, buddy!" "Huh?" "You ready to make that call?" "Time to let my fingers do the walking." " Here's my dad's phone number." " All right." "Ah, Daddy." "Ah." "Hello, this is Marty Wolf." "I am standing here in my kitchen with Jason Shepherd." "I'm lookin' at him as we speak." "And you better bring backup." "What are you doing?" "I thought you were on the phone with my dad." "Oh, I was on the phone, all right, but it ain't with your old man." "You're a real piece of work, Shepherd." "Who are you?" "Rocco Malone, head of security for Marty Wolf Pictures." "Thanks for all your help, kid." "Really." "Savin' my butt twice in one year." "Who would've "thunk"it?" "Let's go, kid." "Come on, you too, Punky Brewster." "You can't do this." "We have a witness!" "Hey, first lesson in Hollywood, sweetheart." "Always get it in writing!" "What a day!" "Here's the deal." "The two of you are gonna get on a plane, go back home, forget this ever happened-- clear?" "Good." "Let's go get you 2 guys packed up, huh?" "I can't believe we're just gonna give up." "You're Jason Shepherd." "You can get out of anything." "Come on." "You must have a phase 4 up your sleeve." "Yeah." "I guess I do." " Hello?" " Dad?" "It's Jason." " Hey." " I haven't" "I haven't been totally honest about what I've been up to the last couple of days." "And, uh, I think it's time I told you the truth." "The truth?" "Hey, Rocco." "Hey." "Hey." "Why don't you head home?" "I'll take the kids to the airport." " You sure?" " Yeah." "I was gonna be up all night... rewriting Wolf's script anyway, so it's no problem." "All right then." "I'm gettin' too old for this baby-sittin' anyway." "You take it easy." "Good night." "Good night." "You know what the worst part of this whole thing is?" "Wolf is just going to keep getting away with it." "He treats all these people like dirt, and no one has the guts to stand up to him." " Forget it, Kaylee." " I can't forget it." "It just makes me sick that your parents are never gonna know that you wrote that story." "What are we supposed to do?" "My parents are gonna be here in the morning!" "We tried everything." "It would take an army to get Wolf to admit the truth." "I think I know where we could find our troops." " What are you doing here?" " I've been pushed around by Wolf for too long." "Tomorrow his whole career is on the line." "So you guys up for one last fight?" "Jas?" "It's payback time." "Mmm." "You've got to look good for the first day of shooting." "Do you copy that, Mr. Funny bones?" ""That's a big 10-4, Marty!" "'" "I brought you all here tonight for 2 reasons." ""A" you're all the best in your given fields." "And "B" you all despise this man... a lot." "Gang, let's roll up our sleeves and get to work." "Let's begin." "Your assignments." "Red team, you guys stall him until my parents get to the set." "Oh!" "That's it." "Oh!" "One more!" "Oh!" "That's it!" "Blue team, I need your help in the distract and delay tactics." "Gold team, you guys are responsible for the mental warfare." "In order to get what we need, we are talking... complete physical and psycho-emotional breakdown, people." " Oh, oh, oh, oh." " I want to see a broken man." "I'm talking broken like," ""Ooh, I just threw a baseball through your window" broken." "Snap him like a twig." "Squeeze him like a bug." "I want you to turn him into mincemeat, and I don't even know what mincemeat is!" "I want him to scream for his mommy: "Wah, wah!" "Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!" "' Do you hear me?" "Do you read me?" "'Cause I don't think" " I... think they read you." " Fair enough." "Guys, I just got one thing to say." "It's show time." " From the studio?" " Yes, sir." " Don't I know you?" " Yeah, you do." "I'm Frank Jackson." "I was your driver last year until you fired me." "Fabulous!" "Oh!" "Boy, the acting career must really be taking off." "Bravo, Brando." "Let's get movin'." "I don't wanna be late." " Yeah." " Monty, it's me." "Oh, hey, Marty." "Did you get some rest for the big day?" "Ah, are you kidding me?" "I spent half the night with a scrub brush and a can of turpentine." "But bye-bye, Little Boy Blue, I am back!" "Hey, pedal to the metal, Ricky Retardo!" "Got a movie to shoot." "Uh, I'm sorry, sir." "There seems to be something... wrong with the car." "I'm gonna fix it." "Hot smoke." "Very hot smoke!" "Oh." "What the hell is happening?" "Stay right there." " What?" " No, Mr. Wolf." "Don't come up here." "We have a situation." "The carbide lateral valve... is connected to the defibrillator, and it's just actin' up." "And the point is, this thing could blow any second, so you might wanna back up." "Back up, back up." "Okay." "What are you saying?" "The engine's fried." "I need a backup car." "Are you kidding me?" "My movie starts shooting in an hour!" "Mr. Wolf, please." "I would very much appreciate it if you didn't yell at me." "Ok?" "I wanna do right" "Don't!" "Don't touch, dude!" "I just" " I-- Do not touch!" "Hey!" "Everything okay here?" "Urkel." "Jaleel." "Oh, my God, my man." "This is incredible." "You gotta get me outta here, buddy." " Hop in." " No, no!" " Mr. Wolf, please, no." "Please, no." " It's locked." "My pincer-- Can you unlock" "No, Mr. Wolf!" "Please." "Drive!" "Sayonara, loser." "F-Man to J-Dog." "F-Man to J-Dog." "The baton has been passed." "Roger that, F-Man." "Well done." "Who's the bad actor now, Mr. Wolf?" "Those were real tears!" "K-Bird, the baton has been passed." "Got it." " Nice car!" " TV money, baby." "Didn't wear those glasses and suspenders all those years for free, dog." "That's a relief." "Do you, uh-- Do you know where you're goin'?" "Takin' a shortcut." "Look, just throw your seat back and relax, Wolf Man." "You're in Jaleel's hands now." " Okay." " Whoo!" " You did a fishtail!" " That was a close one." "Oh, yeah!" "Yeah, baby!" " Whoo!" "Yeah!" " Where in the hell are you taking me?" "I told you." "I know a shortcut." "Through the desert?" "Slow down, you maniac!" "I'm gettin' out!" " It's your call, baby." " I'm gonna do it." " Do what you gotta do." " I am gettin' out, pal." "Go!" "Not bad." "Yo, Jaleel at the wheel." " The condor has flown the coop." " Roger that, J-Dub." "Wait, what does that mean?" "Means I'm leavin' Wolf in the middle of the desert." "Urkel is out!" "Whoo!" "Hello?" "Ah, Monty, it's me." "Oh, hey, Marty." "Is everything okay?" "No, no, no." "Everything is fine." "Except, uh, oh, yeah." "I'm stuck in the middle of the desert!" " Do you hear what I am saying to you?" " The what?" "The desert!" "You gotta get me outta here." " How?" " I don't care how, Monty, just do it!" "Ready to go Wolfhunting?" "I borrowed the chopper from the shoot." "You're in good hands, Wolf." "I flew 49 combat missions in Vietnam." "All right." "Save me the sob story, Methuselah." "I already sat through Platoon." "Just get me to the set!" "# Right here Right now#" "# Right here Right now #" "# Right here Right now #" "This is Father Time." "We're headed your way." "Roger that, F.T." " They're airborne." " Copy that." "Let's punch a hole in the sky, Grandpa." "Go, go, go!" "Let's get a tail wind behind this bird, old-timer." "Brando to base." "Brando to base." "The sheep has located the Shepherds and we're coming home." "Yes!" "Oh, boy." "What's that?" "What's happening?" "One of our blades is jammed." "We're gonna have to do a forced evac." "What" " What are you talking about?" "Come on, we gotta jump." "This bird is going down!" " Are you kidding me?" " I wish I was." "You're gonna have to hold on tight." "We've only got one chute." "I hope it supports us both." "Wait!" "This is insanity!" "Vince!" "Have you done this before?" "Oh, don't worry, Wolf." "I'm a professional." "Granddad's been doin' this a long, long time." "Vince!" "This is Chopper One to Control." "Papa Bear and the Wolf have left the building." "# Right here Right now##" "Not like this!" "Oh, sweet God!" "Not like this!" "Ah." "Hello, sir." " Where's Wolf?" " Uh, late." "Bad." "Hello?" "I'm on the lot, Monty!" "I'll be there in a minute!" " Marty!" " I'm not lying." "Just stall Duncan another second." "Okay?" "I'm coming." " Hey, Wolf." " How's it hangin', Shepherd?" "Gimme back my monkey." "Come and get him." "You two!" "Good-bye!" "I'm comin', Funny bones!" "Look out!" "Come on!" "Right behind ya, Shepherd!" "You can't out run the Wolf, kid!" "Yeah, we'll see about that." "Hang on, Funny bones, Daddy's coming!" "He's all yours, Lester." "Activate water." "Who's the geek boy now?" "You spaz!" "This is it, Monty." "If he's not here in 60 seconds, this movie's over." "Right up there is where the big stunt is taking place." "This way." ""Help!" "Come and rescue me, Marty."" "Feet, don't fail me now." "Let go of the monkey." " Call my dad." " Never." " Yes." " No!" "Ah!" "Gotcha, kid." "It's over." "You lose, and I win." "I don't think so, Wolf." "Oh, you don't think so?" "Come on, Jason." "You're smarter than that." "You write a story, I steal it, and now I'm about to start shooting the greatest movie of my career." "So you admit you stole my story?" "We've been over this." "It's ancient history." "Yeah, I stole your story!" "Whoop-di-doodle-doo!" "You happy now?" "I stole Jason Shepherd's paper and turned it into Big Fat Liar!" "You know who's listening, pal?" "Hmm?" "No one." "And they never will." "So for the last time, give it up!" "Because I will never, ever, ever-- like never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever-- infinity-- tell the truth." "Because the truth's overrated, right?" " That's right!" " And cut!" "Huh?" "I told you, Wolf." "The only way to shoot this scene is from 12 different camera angles with birds flyin' around." "Oh, and, by the by," "Confucius say, "Kastang, you're busted."" "Rock 'n' roll, baby." "It's just like you wanted, Wolf." "The press is all here." "You stole the idea for this movie from a 13-year-old boy?" "He's, um" "He's 14." "This is the end of the line, Wolf." "It's over." "Wolf, I wanna say thanks." "You taught me a valuable lesson." "The truth:" "It's not overrated." "I am gonna get you, Shepherd!" "You did all this just to prove you weren't lying?" "I wanted to earn your trust back, Dad." "You've earned it, buddy." "You've earned it." "Hey!" "We got a movie to shoot." "Huh?" "Come on." "Let's make some magic." "The human hit factory is ready to roll!" "Yeah, let's go home." "Hey, where do you think you're going?" "You cannot turn your backs on me!" "I'm Marty Wolf!" "All right, fine!" "Fine!" "You're all fired!" "You suck, Marty." "You, uh, certainly know how to make an entrance." "What can I say?" "I got big feet." "You were right, Penny." "The truth:" "It's not overrated." "Whoo!" "Oh, oh!" "Congratulations." "It was incredible." "It's show time." "Hey, kids." "I'm Wolfie the Clown." "Whoo!" "And, uh, "I'm Mr. Funny bones!" "Happy birthday, Darren."" " Oh, my God!" " Oh, no." "Yo, Little Mash." "Show him your nutcracker." "# Can you move it like this #" "# I can shake it right back#" "# Can you move it like this #" "# I can shake it right back #" "# Can you move it like this #" "# I can shake it right back #" "# Come on, ladies rock the party #" "# Shake your body, everybody #" "# Come on, everybody #" "# Let's move it all night #" "# Uh, uh-huh #" "# Gonna take you back to the old school #" "# Can you feel the vibe #" "# Let's dance to the rhythm and let me see you #" "# Why you waste time #" "# Uh, uh-huh #" "#Jump back and do the twist #" "# And the electric start Hey #" "# Can you move it like this #" "# I can shake it right back #" "# Can you move it like this #" "# I can shake it right back #" "# Can you move it like this #" "# I can shake it right back #" "# Come on, fellows start the party #" "# Shake your body, everybody #" "# Let's get funky Do the same sound#" "# Sing, 'cause we gonna get on the floor and do it like this #" "# Can anyone do the chocolate bar #" "# Like back in the days #" "# Uh, uh-huh #" "# We thought we'd bring it to ya #" "# For hummin' Keep ya groovin', yeah #" "# Uh, uh-huh #" "# Well, I can see everybody on the floor #" "# Doin' the runnin'man #" "# Uh, uh-huh #" "# Do the mashed potato #" "# Or walk the Philly dog if you can #" "# Hey #" "# Can you move it like this #" "# I can shake it right back #" "# Can you move it like this #" "# I can shake it right back #" "# Can you move it like this #" "# I can shake it right back #" "# Come on, y'all let's rock the party #" "# Shake your body, everybody #" "# Remember back in the days when we used to just do the boogaloo #" "# Everybody gets to rock to the beat #" "# Sonny Joe, picking ' up dough #" "# And everybody runs to get down with the deejay #" "# When he plays smooth music #" "# Let's dip it, tip it We went rockin' We keep tippin'#" "# Come on, baby Let's rock this rock #" "# We gonna get up on the dance floor and do the Pee-wee Herman #" "# So shake it up and do the bus stop #" "# And do the robot #" "# And baby, do the rocket Move it, man #" "# Can you move it like this #" "# L.A., Atlanta #" "# Can you move it like this #" "# New York, what's up #" "# Can you move it like this #" "# Seattle, Dallas and Houston #" "# Can you move it like this #" "# Baltimore and D. C. now #" "# Can you move it like this #" "# Tampa, do the dip now #" "# Can you move it like this #" "# Memphis, I know you do the funky chicken #" "# Can you move it like this # # I can shake it like that #" "# You know, you know, you know # # Come on, y'all let's rock the party #" "# Shake your body, everybody #" "#Japan Japanese, you know #" "# France That's where we ought to go #" "# London #" "# I know you're doin' the hitchhike #" "# Can you move it like this #" "# I can shake it right back #" "# Can you move it like this #" "# I can shake it right back #" "# Can you move it like this ##" "# Canada, Australia ##"