"Happily Divorced is shot before a live audience, and based on what actually happened to me." "Okay, Franny, where do you wanna sit?" "I don't care, I'm easy." "All right, how about down there?" "With my nose pressed against the screen?" "Well, how about these two seats right here?" "Right by the speaker?" "All right, we are sitting right here." "You mean under the draft?" "I mean next to that beautiful man that's sitting by himself." "Ooh, hello, mister." "Excuse me, is this seat taken?" "No, please." "Ah, thank you." "He-ey." "Hi." "I think he likes you, Ju." "Strike up a conversation, only be casual." "Okay, I got this." "So, baby, you down with the swirl?" "Actually, I'm..." "I'm here with someone." "Oh, good." "I wasn't feeling it either," "I just didn't know how to break it to you." "We're actually celebrating our two-month anniversary tonight." " Oh, wow, very nice." " Yeah." "Like I give a rat's ass." "Oh, over here." "Don't worry, whoever he's with won't be nearly as pretty as you." "Thank you, Fran." "Pardon me, excuse me." "Pardon me. 'Scuse me." " Peter?" " 'Scuse me, pardon me." "Peter, I saw you!" "Ooh, now, this is gonna be better than the movie." "# She was certain #" "# That he was her one and only #" "# But their union always seemed #" "# A little forced #" "# She got married anyway #" "# Turns out that he was gay #" "# They're still in love #" "# But now she's Happily Divorced #" "Happy two-month anniversary, Peter." "Funny, you manage to remind me every two seconds to DVR honey boo boo, but this you forget?" "Chris, this is Fran, my ex-wife." "Yeah, I put that together." "Hi, I'm Chris." "Hi." "I'm angry and bitter." "Okay, we're gonna need to switch places." " Why?" " Trust me." "Judi." "All right, but talk loud." "Fran..." "Don't touch me!" "I cannot believe that you have been having a relationship behind my back." "I had to hear about it at the hobbit?" "I don't even wanna talk to you." "But you're gonna." "How can you not tell your wife that you have a boyfriend?" "This was cold, Peter." "Cold." "Fran, don't be angry." "No, she's not angry, she's hurt." "Thank you." "Your secret boyfriend apparently knows me better than you do!" "Fran, I didn't tell anyone." "It was new." "And it was a very big commitment." "I wasn't even sure I liked him." "So, thanks." "No, I didn't know if I liked you then." " Of course I know..." " Don't touch me." "Fran..." "Nobody wants you to touch them, Peter." "I can't sit through this." "Come on, Judi, we're leaving." "Why?" "I paid 13 bucks." "You got a nine-year-old to buy your ticket, you only paid seven." "Now, move." " Fran, don't leave." " No!" "Franny, will you just come back here?" "Shh!" "Are you gonna talk through the whole movie?" "Thorin makes up with Bilbo the hobbit and then he dies." "The end." "Oh, well, you finally came home." "Yeah, I had to wait for AAA." "Some jackass let the air out of my tires." "Fran?" "Prove it." "Look, I am really sorry." "Do you know how embarrassed I was?" "And in front of Judi." "The woman idolizes us." "She only prays that the day she meets the man of her dreams, and he leaves her, they're as happy as we are." "Look, I didn't tell you about Chris because..." "I just needed to keep him to myself." "Why, Peter?" "Did you think I was gonna steal him away from you?" "I already got a gay guy I can't get rid of." "No, it's because you have a tendency to be just a little too..." "Thin?" "What was the word I was looking for?" "I told you to take the gingko." "But you're so stubborn..." "Critical!" "Critical?" "You know, you got a hole in your head." "I just want it to work with Chris." "I don't need you judging every single thing that he does." "Like if he asked me to brunch or something, you'd say, "oh, you split the check, what's that all about?"" "What is that about?" "I don't wanna think about what that's about." "Why?" "What do you think it's about?" "Well..." "Now, stop, I don't..." "I really don't care what it's about." "La, la, la, la, la." "I just wanna like him." "I want you to like him." "I want you to be happy." "I want you to have almost everything that I have." "Well, good." "Because I am having him here tomorrow for brunch." "Good." "Ooh, that reminds me." "I need to get something." " What?" " You out of the house." "Fine, I'll give you your space." "I don't know what you're so worried about me criticizing." "The man's gorgeous." "Yeah, tell me about it." "You don't think he's out of my league, do you?" "No, Peter." "You're a fantastic catch." "He's lucky to find a guy who's willing to split the check when he's the one that invited you in the first place." "Fran." "Sorry." "One for the road." "Mm." "Peter, I don't know why you've been single for so long." "You're handsome, you're charming, you can cook." "What's wrong with you?" "What am I not seeing?" "Peter..." "I don't wanna interrupt, but are you guys done with the pepper mill?" "Franny, why don't you just come out here and join us?" "No, no." "I promised I'd stay outta your way." "Ju... just forget I'm here." "I'm sorry." "You know, I don't know if I can eat all this." "It's huge." "Oh, I'm sorry, but you know, without the visual, it sounded very dirty!" "Fran, come out here." "Oh, okay." "But only 'cause I need the pepper." "Oh, Fran, I brought some wine." "Would you like some?" "Sure." "Oh, isn't that, uh..." "Chris is a flight attendant." "Oh." "Thank God, because I was gonna say..." "Nothing." "Okay, Fran, here's your pepper." "Say when." "When." "Good-bye." "Wait, Fran, is that all you're eating?" "Oh, yeah, well, you know, I got my wedding coming up." "But you look perfect." "In fact, you're too thin." "Oh..." "Stop." "Oh..." "Oh, I saw Peter walking across the quad." "I didn't want to look at him 'cause he was so handsome." " Aw..." " And then our eyes met." "And then she spoke." "You know, I can't believe how young you look." "You look like you could still be in college." "Oh, I love him." "What the hell were you worried about?" "Okay, Chris, this movie's in 45 minutes." " We better go." " Okay." "Oh, well, this was very nice." "I'm so glad that we finally had a chance to meet." "Well, why don't you come with?" "We'll make up for lost time." "Oh, no, no, no." "You don't wanna O.D. on Fran." "She's best taken in small doses." "Peter's right." "You guys go and have a good time." "No." "You're coming." "I insist." "Well, he insisted, Peter." "Oh, that's probably Michael." "My ex-husband." "He's coming with." "Hey." "Did you have any trouble finding the place?" "Yes." "My GPS sent me all the way to the valley." "She is such a bitch." "He invited his ex on our date?" "Don't you think that's a little, uh..." "Not weird." "Uh-oh." "It's already filling up." "I don't want to sit too close to the screen, next to a speaker, or under a draft." "I won't do it." "Oy, is this guy ever a pain in the ass." "Franny." "I'm not criticizing Chris, it's that other one." "Guys, uh, we'll just sit right here, okay?" " Okay, perfect." " Fine." "Okay." "Oh..." "The floor is so sticky." "Hey, Pete, could..." "Could I get my red vines?" " Oh, sorry, here." " Thank you." " Do you have my drink?" " Oh." " Here you go." " Thank you." "This isn't right, we should switch seats." "You're absolutely right." "Oh..." "Fran." "Well, is he going to text during the movie too?" "I'm sure he's going to shut it off." "Just that my eye keeps being drawn to the light." " You want some popcorn, hon?" " Oh, yes, please." "Wow, he still calls him "hon."" "Don't you think that's odd, sweetie?" "Why are you doing this?" "What?" "I ju..." "I just think it's a little weird." "I mean, what, is Michael gonna schlep along on all your dates?" "Like a third wheel?" "Just... it's not healthy, is the thing." "Fran, they still live together." "Look, Chris is just being sweet." "Michael had nowhere to go tonight." "They still live together?" "Oh, I don't like that." "Will you just stop talking?" "The movie's starting." "It's just the announcement asking you to..." "Refrain from texting." "I just think that you and Chris are a new couple." "I mean, wouldn't he rather be alone with you?" "Of course he would, Fran." "Now, you're just doing exactly what you said you weren't going to do." "You can stop it." "These are your issues." "It doesn't bother me." "I just don't understand why he's always with us." "It's weird." "Well, what's weird about it?" "I invited Fran too." "Oh, well, you're just inviting everybody." "Everybody's welcome." "Okay, I'm closing down." "This is a side of you I'm not receptive to." "Yeah?" "Well, that's a side of you I'm not receptive to." "I don't need this." "I have walls to stencil." "Peter, where's all this hostility coming from?" "I told you, they're weird when they come out in their 40s." "I just feel like you don't want to be alone with me." "You know what?" "Right now, I don't." " Oh, really?" " Yes, really." "Okay, this is stressing me out." "I'm gonna go calm down at restoration hardware." "Well, wait a minute." "I'm coming." "You know what, this is making me rethink this whole thing." "You, me, our little Ethiopian baby girl." "Don't bring little Maddy Claire into this." "Well, I'm sorry, but I don't like the person I see." "Where'd all this negativity come from?" "Fran!" "Shut up!" "You shut up!" "He abolishes slavery, he goes to a play, gets shot in the head and dies!" "I can't believe you just ruined the end of the movie for me." "Chris was perfect for me." "Why did this have to happen?" "Oh, Mr. Peter, it kills me to see you this way." "So, I'm gonna go." "Why did I let her get into my head?" "Teresa, he's still talking." "Of course I didn't clock out." "I'm not an idiot." "Look, Mr. Peter..." "Sometimes you just have to block the voice out of your head." "Why do you think I'm always using the leaf blower?" "You don't even have any trees." "Cesar, thank you so much for staying here with me." "Well, I'm your friend, Mr. Peter." "All I want is a man to love and to wake up next to every morning." "I'm not that good a friend." "Peter." "Where did you disappear to?" "I know that you heard me yelling your name as you were racing down the escalator." "Prove it." "What happened?" "One minute you're watching the movie, the next minute you all get up to go pee." "Men don't go to the bathroom together, Fran." "Not even gay men?" "No, not even gay men." "What happened, Fran, was that Chris broke up with me." "Why?" "What happened?" "Well, I told him he was too involved with his ex and that it was weird." "Oh, so you agreed with me." "No, you put that in my head!" "Oh, Peter, I'm sorry." "But you know, you woulda never had a minute's peace with Chris with Michael tagging along." "I've seen conjoined twins that are less attached at the hip." "You've seen." "You, you, you." "This isn't about you, Fran, it's about me, and I liked things the way they were." "I liked Chris, he liked me." "He even liked my webbed toes." "Well, if the man liked your webbed toe, there's still hope." "Still hope." "Let me read you his last four texts." ""Stop calling me." "I never want to see you again."" ""It's over." "Good-bye."" "The bigger the fight, the better the makeup sex." "All I know, Fran, is that for the first time since I came out," "I actually saw a future for myself." "Oh, Peter..." "Thanks a lot, Fran." "Shoulda gone to see Hotel Transylvania." "Where the hell is it?" "I put this beautiful box of Chablis in here to chill." "Babe, you bending over like that is all the intoxication I need." "Oh, it's such a huge mess." "Where do I begin?" "As close to "good-bye" as possible." "Peter and I haven't talked in days." "We had a huge fight." "It turns out that he's been keeping a big secret from me." "Oy, we're going back that far?" "No, daddy." "He's got a boyfriend." "For two months!" "And now it's over, and he blames you." "Yes." "Good." "That saved us a half an hour." "All I did was make some passing observations." "I didn't want them to break up." "And it's not like I stuck my hand up his butt and moved his mouth for him." "Darling, you can't interfere." "Love is blind." "Did I not bite my tongue when you married a gay man?" "Yeah, you did, ma." "And here we are." "No, look, I don't want to be insensitive, but we ha..." "We wanna get it on." "I know, daddy, I'm not an idiot, but you've been having sex since the magna carta." "Can you wait five minutes?" "Peter was always pointing out Elliot's flaws, but he said it was for my own good." "Meanwhile, when I do it, suddenly I'm the enemy." "The difference is, against Peter's better judgment, he went to Elliot and got him to propose." "That's right, ma." "He did." "Dori, Laker game starts in ten minutes." "If you want foreplay..." "Go to your ex-husband's ex-boyfriend and make things right like Peter did for you." "Boom!" "You're right, ma." "That's what I gotta do." "Gee, you're really on top of it tonight." "That's my goal." "Oh, these floors are so sticky." "I don't want to alarm you, but I followed you here." "My ex-husband yearns to be with you." "Fran?" "Oh, he yearns to be with him." "Oh, Chris." "I feel so awful about what happened with you and Peter." "I appreciate that, Fran, but I don't want to go back there." "No, you have to go back." "No, you have to go back." "Peter's such a wonderful guy, and you're the first man that he's ever had feelings for." "Fran, just once I'd like to see a movie all the way through." "But you don't know how this breakup has affected Peter." "He's crushed." "He's devastated." " I'm so worried about him." " Pardon me, excuse me." " Pardon me." " Peter!" "Pardon me, excuse me, pardon me." "Peter." "You got back together with Chris and you didn't tell me?" "You bet." "Smart move." " I'll get my things." " No, no, Fran." " Sit down." " Really?" " Yeah." " All right." "And, Fran..." "You know, you weren't wrong." "Michael and I were too connected." "I mean, what am I doing still living with him?" "It was a little weird." "We split up a year ago." "And I know the house hasn't sold, but that's no excuse." "It's really not an excuse, Chris." "I mean, you know, if you want to be in a relationship with someone new..." "He gets it, Fran, he's moving on." "Yeah, and I'm gonna get my own place." "I kinda wanna see how it shakes out with this guy that I like." "What guy?" "Oh, me." "You see, everything works out in the end." "People that are in a relationship, they need to have their space." "You don't need someone getting in the middle of what you two have." "Four's an odd number." "See, this is the way it should be." "This is normal."