"(Man) Uno, dos, tres, cuatro." "(# Jaunty tune)" "Do you know why I do archery?" "Cos it's pussy on a stick." "Let's break down what it is - one lone maverick firing his tan shaft at an alarming speed towards a small hole, often at distance." "To me, that's that mechanics of sex." "It's a classic case of hunter and hunted." "I am master of all I survey, and all I like to survey are a couple of walloping boobies slash jugs, i.e. tits." "That's a target I certainly don't mind taking a couple of pot shots at with my twanging rod of plenty, aka the general." "Girls like nothing more than to see me bend my back and release a shower of love." "One sheila couldn't help herself, sixty-nined me over there behind one of the hay bales." "I'm like the Robin Hood of romance - rich or poor, all the girls are gagging for my arrow." "Get arching, get laid, go figure." "(High-pitched) All pile on!" "(Grunts)" "(All whooping)" "(Grunting)" " Morning, sir." " Cut the small talk." " Sorry, sir." "What are your instructions?" " I want you to give this to the Russians." " What the hell are you doing?" " Concealing it for transport, sir." "God, man, they're only over there." "No, leave it, leave it." "They won't want it now." "(Women laughing)" "And the way they wanna have sex when they're really pissed." "And you're just, no, they're not gonna get it up." "And they want to try again an hour later and it's like, "I'm sorry, the judges have gone home!"" "Do you find Tom doesn't like you drinking pints in front of his mates?" "Yeah, he always wants me to drink whisky." "Whisky, yeah, but not neat." "Oh, no." " Whisky and soda." " And semen." "Seriously, though, you're so touchy." " I'm not." " Yeah, you are." " I'm not." " (High-pitched) Touchy!" " Shut it!" " Touchy-pants." " Look, I'm warning you." " "Look, I'm warning you." Touchy." "(Man) Oi, oi, oi, oi!" " Come on!" "Come on!" " (All shouting)" " Bring your mates!" " He's not worth it." " (High-pitched) Touchy!" " Right!" "(All shouting)" "Bring yourself, bring your mates and bring your dinner." "Good of you to see us, Mr Titchmarsh." "I'm gonna take a back seat here and let these guys do the talking." "Well, Alan, what it is..." "Al." "He likes to be called Al." "Right." "It's a new science-fiction sitcom called Space Bar." "You play Stewart Bar who runs this wacky pub in space and also does a lot of typing on this magic keyboard." "And when you press the space bar on the magic keyboard, you die." "No, you get transported to another dimension where every week there's a garden that needs some...gardening..." "Done." "Tell him one of the other ones." "OK, Quick On The Drawer, where Percy Quick presents a history of bedroom furniture." "And the furniture's so mouldy that it needs some gardening...doing to it." "Guys, Alan Titchmarsh doesn't garden drawers, he gardens gardens." "Sorry about that, Al." "OK, it's a British film called Stop To Regroup Your Thoughts about this '80s pop band called the Thoughts and what they were doing before they had to stop to regroup..." "You play the lead singer Gary Stop." "And what they were doing before they had to stop to regroup was...some...gardening." "Open on you, Gary Stop, with a big trowel..." "Wait, before you carry on, what do you think?" "What do you think to these ideas?" "They're my guys!" "(Growling and furious muttering)" "Well, it looks like you've just about screwed my life to hell." "Let's get out of here before he shows the monster within." "Don't worry, guys, I got a 3:30 with Gavin Esler." "(Whistles)" "(Continues whistling)" "(Mouthing)" "Touchy!" "(Humming)" " Come on!" " (All shouting)" " Leave it out!" " He's not worth it!" "Come on!" "Touchy!" " (Laughing)" " Come on!" "(All shouting)" "Get off me!" "(Women laughing)" "And when they get you to act out their little fantasies." "Like when they get you to pretend to be" " a stripper." " A child." " Touchy." " Shut it!" " (All shouting)" " Don't be stupid." " That's enough." " Not in the car." " (Whispering) Touchy." " (All shouting)" " Shut it!" " You want it up the front?" " Shut up!" " You want it up the front?" " (# Dance music)" " Wotcher!" "And welcome to a specially brief edition of A Level Funsize." "That's right, because this week we're gonna be telling you literally everything you need to know to get an A at A level general studies." "And if you're studying A level general studies, you might be wondering what books to read." "Well, the answer is any book or none at all will do." " So don't panic." " Really, we mean it this time." "Don't panic." "Another important thing to remember is not to take A level general studies if you have anything better to do with your time." "And this includes drinking or masturbating." "That's right." "Most universities will be more impressed with a twang off the wrist than with an A level general studies certificate." "So, let's recap on the facts you'll need to get you through A level general studies." "Fact one - don't panic." "Fact two - bollocks to it, it don't matter." "And remember, there is no third fact." "Right, so, how can we use those facts to answer a typical A level general studies exam question?" "Write a 100-page story under the title My Big Day Out." "But how can we use what we've learned to answer that question?" "Well, best not bother." "(Both giggling)" "(# Classical music playing quietly)" "You all right there, Dad?" "All comfortable?" "Yes, yes, thank you, dear." "Although, I was wondering if you could do me a little favour." " Oh, God, yes, tea." "Sorry, I forgot." " No, it's..." " Biscuit?" " Oh, actually, that would be..." " But what I really want..." " Oh, God, shall I write a list?" " No, I need..." " You've just been to the toilet." "No, what I want after the tea and biscuits and cake, what I really want..." " Oh, I know how Mummy felt now." " You did once say that when I was old and infirm, you'd kill me, and what with your mother gone and the dog dead," "I thought now might be as good a time as any." "Er, Dad, I think you said old, infirm and a vegetable." " I do dribble." " That's not enough." "I can't remember things." "Who are you?" "Where's the ring road?" "I'm bamboozled." "You can't fool me." "You're not mad, you're just silly." " What happened yesterday?" " No." "Oh, go on, kill me, it'll be ever so quick." "You've got a year left at most." "Why can't you just wait like everyone else?" "I'm fed up, I've had enough." " And you did promise." " I thought I'd be turning a switch." " I didn't think I'd have to stab you." " Go on." " I'll get into trouble." " We'll make it look like an accident." "I couldn't do it." "I haven't got the technical know-how." " You could hire a hit man." " Dad, we live in Bath, the heart of Avon." "There are no hit men." "Go up to London." "You could make a connection." "I know a guy who knows a guy in Kilburn." " Does he pack a piece?" " Couple of sawn-offs." "He'd whack me, no problem." "I can afford it." "I've got the moolah." "Dad, that is my inheritance." "You are not frittering it away on a madman in Kilburn." " Damn." " So I'll just get you the tea." "No chance of a dash of bleach in it, I suppose?" "No!" "(Chatting quietly, indistinct)" "Rob's always going on about his ex-girlfriend and how amazing it was and that they had to split up but it was for the best but they're still really close." "And you're always thinking, "So, was she better in bed than me?"" "And then they say how much you would have liked her and that you're so similar," " then they're asking you to meet her." " Sleep with her." "Steve, hi." "The Nicholson report's getting more and more urgent, I'm afraid, we've got to do it by the end of the week." "You are on top of it?" "Yep." "Tony, what if I were to tell you that last night my house burnt down and four members of my family were killed?" " What, Steve?" "Your hou...?" "What?" " No, no, I'm just saying, what if?" " So, it hasn't?" " Hang on, I haven't told you anything yet." "But if I told you that, then judging by your reaction just then, you'd probably believe me, wouldn't you?" "Er, yeah, if it was true." "Yeah, look, come on, Tony, you don't know what's true." "I'm just asking if you believe me." "Well..." "Cos the alternative is, you'd be calling me a liar at a very traumatic point in my life." "Right, put like that, of course I'd believe you." "Right." "Where would you stand, then, on the urgency of the Nicholson report?" "That would put it in some kind of perspective, wouldn't it?" "Well, it would still be urgent, but..." "Steve, are you trying to tell me something?" "No, hang on." "So let's say, house gutted, four dead relations," "Nicholson report fading into the background." "How many weeks could I have off?" "Well, I don't know, Steve, it's...so extreme." "Er, but I suppose, you know, in that instance, you could have off as long as you wanted." " As long as I wanted?" " Yeah." " What, paid?" " Of course paid, it's in your contract." "Right, Tony, last night my house burnt down and four members of my family were killed." " Oh, my God." " Yeah, it's awful, isn't it?" "I'll see you in about two years." "(High-pitched) I'll have a large one." "No, make it huge." "No, actually, you'd better make it extra huge." "Hold on a moment." "All pile on!" "(Whooping and cheering)" "(Grunting)" "Oh, look, it's the last day of the Modern Masters at the Royal Academy." "Oh." "Do you, erm...do you like modern art?" "Sure!" "Sure!" "I like painting." " Any school in particular?" " School?" "Er..." "Oh, I like lots of schools." "I like, erm... impressionism, and...naturism, and, er..." "Van Gogh." "Van Gogh." "The man who cut off his ear." " (Pop) Cut it right off, like that." " Anything more modern?" "Right off, just like that." "Oh, modern?" "Modern art?" "You know, like cubism?" "Or Pollock?" "Oh, him!" "Jansen Pollock!" "Yeah, I know him, what a character." "I mean, this guy, OK, he takes a bucket of paint, he throws it on the canvas, smears it around a bit and he makes $2.2 million." "For throwing some paint on a canvas." "Two." "Two point two. (Laughs)" "The guy's a genius." "Look at his use of colours and the fusion and the reds and the blues and the movement and the form." "It's the fusion of movement and form and colours, and for that you've got to pay, of course you do, for the funny-looking woman." "With her body like it's been in a grinder and some dead fish with its bones all showing hanging on a tree." "I mean, boy, do I love dead fish with its bones all showing hanging on a tree." "And fusion and movement and colour and form and some guy with his nose all to one side like a boxer and two big eyes like black holes and, er...and, erm..." "A big watch!" "That's it!" "A big watch flapping about like a pancake." "Boy, would I love a picture of a big pancake watch." "If I had $2.2 million, this is the first thing I would buy." "I mean, this to me, this is art, it's genius." "Oh, look, Holiday On Ice is in town." "(Chatting, indistinct)" "Hello there." "I'm just about to enjoy this week's outdoor wee with Dame Julie Daker," "Oscar nominee, and currently starring in Antony And Cleopatra at the RSC." " Dame Julie, hi." " Hi there." "Now, before we begin, I must just ask you, are the rumours true?" "Ah." "(Unzipping)" "My God, yes." "Well, glad to have got that out in the open before we begin." " After you." " (Unzipping, trickling)" " Tina, loved the assembly." " Really?" "Thanks, Chris." "The autumn assembly comes but once a year, but, every year, you seem to raise the stakes." "How did you come up with that display?" "Oh..." " Best assembly yet, Tina." " Really?" "Yep." "Totally blown away." "It made my talk about water boatmen seem almost redundant." "Oh, Nigel, that'll always be relevant." "I know." "If you don't teach kids about pond skaters now, when are they gonna learn?" "But seriously, awesome assembly, mean it." "I don't know what you've got planned for the next assembly, my heart is set on the colour red, but I'd certainly like to discuss it with you." "Perhaps over coffee?" "Tina!" "Doug Povey, visiting head from St Mary's Junior." "Came in on the request of your head to discuss toilet sanitation in the main block and have come away with a vision of how autumn should be presented and made relevant to under-eights." "Loved the conker joke, first class." "Keeping my eye on you." "(Bell rings)" "# Raking up the leaves in one, twos and threes" "Hi, Mum?" "It went really well." "All I need now is a boyfriend." "No, but there again, this film isn't about swimming pools or cocktail parties, it's about ordinary life with all of its joy and pain, and where I succeeded, I think, is due to my wonderful cast," "Jim Broadbent, Joan Plowright..." "Didn't Ted Danson do a marvellous cameo?" " No." "But the performances of the whole cast..." " Oh, well." "So, Ron, what brings you to Tinseltown?" " A wish upon a star?" " Er, well..." " That'll make your dreams come true?" " No." "I came for the Oscars, because as you may know we picked up a couple of nominations." "One for best supporting actress, one for best screenplay." " You didn't win, though, did you?" " No, we didn't, but..." "No, they went respectively to Cher" " and an American film about guns and hate." " Yes." "Did you know Michael Keaton put on 20 pounds to play that part?" "What a pro." " Erm..." " So, how are you liking the City of Angels?" "Er, well, I'm enjoying the sun, but I'm finding the whole Hollywood thing a bit superficial." " What's the matter?" "You've got a pool." " Yeah, I know, but..." "I don't suppose you've got a pool in Daventry where you grew up and still live, for God's sake." "Bit low-budget round there, like your films." " Yeah, but that's the whole point..." " Listen, mate, Judy Garland used to drink so much voddy that she'd do a shit on stage and still get a standing ovation." "Now, if that isn't joys and pain then Steven Spielberg hasn't got more screenwriters than you've got whippets." " What?" "I haven't got any whippets." " Let's talk about your film-making process." "Do you have a script or do you just make up some bollocks as you go along?" "Well, we use improvisation..." "Christ!" "Do you know how many rewrites Lost In Space got?" "60!" "And the metal spiders only came in in the last two." "Now that's corporate genius and it was still shit." "Match that, you little bastard." " I'm sorry?" " How many horses died making your film?" " Erm..." " It was none, wasn't it, Ron?" "It was none." "Who are you meeting for brunch, Ron?" "Aaron Spelling and Sean Connery?" "Cybill Shepherd and William H Macy at the H Macy ranch?" "I don't think so." "It's more likely to be Alan Bennett and Nigel Hawthorne, for God's sake." "What have you got against Alan and Nigel?" "Just one final question, Ron." "It's a bit of a touchy area, I'm afraid." "No, it's all right, go ahead." "Have you been invited to Jeff Goldblum's party tonight?" " No." " Neither have I." "(Man) Er... well, I am a Muslim now and she's just got to learn to accept it." "You see, this is what he's like." "He comes home Friday night saying he's a Muslim or whatever, and I don't get no say in the matter, I've just got to lump it." "It's Christmas in two weeks and he's taken the f--kin' tree down." " That's up to you, innit?" " It's not up to me." "It is up to you." "It is not up to me." "It's not." "It is up to her." "I never said she had to be a Muslim, but it is my faith." "Being married to an infidel obviously doesn't do me any favours in the eyes of Allah," " but she doesn't seem to care." " He gives me all this guilt about how he's gonna go to hell." "What am I supposed to tell the kids?" "Tell 'em Daddy's a Muslim." "And what would madam like to drink?" " Don't!" "She's thinking!" " Sorry, but red or white, though?" "(French accent) What are all these questions?" "What do you want from me?" "What are questions except things that demands answers?" "That is brilliant." "Christ, you're fascinating." "Red or white, though?" "Ah, three colours red, three colours white, it's all choices, and films with me in them." "What are you?" "Who are you?" "Where are you?" "She's there." "Red, is it, then?" "I'll get red." "You do realise that we can only ever be lovers, don't you?" "I'm too confused right now for friends or...even acquaintances." "You're so bloody enigmatic." "Why are you what you're like?" "(Laughs loudly)" " Do I excite you?" " I'll say." "I suppose you want to make love to me right now." " Now?" "Of course!" " Make love to me, wretch!" " Sit down." " The world has intruded." " We must never see each other again." " Oh, go on." "Oh, don't you see, you awful, adorable, brilliantly imbecilic man?" "It's not you, it's not me, it's not us, it's not even them, it's..." "I must go." "Don't try to follow me." "That would be boring." "(Cork pops)" "Don't worry, sir." "She looked like a bit of a cow to me." "(Sniffs)" "Christ, you're wise." "The trouble with him is, he's making it all up as he goes along." "No, I ain't." "All right, where in the Qur'an does it say you can get pissed on lager every night?" "You show me." "He can't show me, he's never even read it." "She reckons I'm not supposed to drink." "It's the first I've heard of it, and I've looked into it." " You have not." " Of course I have." "I'd hardly have become a Muslim without looking into it." "I'd be a twat." " You are a twat, Gary." " You don't think I'm a twat." "I do." "I think you're a twat and the kids think you're a twat." "News to me." "Dad!" "Oh, God." " Tempting, isn't it, darling?" " You scared the life out of me." "All you have to do is put the lid on and call the undertaker." " You're not dead." " No, but I'm very comfy." "I'm loath to move." "Fine." "I'll feed you your lunch in there." "See how you like it when it's full of crumbs." "Think of me as a parcel." "Just box me up and send me on my way." "If anyone found out, I'd be in for a ten stretch." "Slip these babies to the pigs." "500 smackeroonies will buy you a lot of blind eyes." " Burying you alive is absurd." " Then bury me dead." "Sheila Pope in the drawing room, with the lead piping." "Easy Street." " With the candlestick?" " Stop it." "Stake through the heart, pretend I'm a vampire." " Dad, I'm starting to get cross." " That's right, get cross." "Get murderously angry, so angry that you lash out!" " Oh!" " Go on, darling." " Stop it!" " That's right." "Here's the candlestick." "Do your worst." "I am going to get lunch." "If you're really cross, you might want to use a drop of this." " See, I just want..." " Silence, woman." " See, this is how he talks now." " That's how Muslims talk." " If you don't like it..." " How do you know?" "You're supposed to be obedient and dress like an undercover nun." " Yeah, well, I'm not, not for anyone." " You see?" "She's fuckin' disobedient." "And because of her..." "Well, she's definitely going to hell, I'm probably going with her." " Yeah, well, I'll take my chances." " You see?" "She don't care about me, or the kids." "It's the kids I feel sorry for." "Yeah, they feel sorry for you, an' all." "Well, where's the support?" "It's ridiculous." "Where's the team?" "Well, where's backup?" "Look, I'm telling you, there's no one here." "It's a shambles!" "Where's IT?" "There's no IT support at all." "And where's personnel?" "What's going on?" "How am I supposed to work?" "Where's design?" "Look, you bastards, I'm out here on my own trying to cope, and there is no, literally no support." "I'm trying to cope!" "I mean, what, when, where?" "Well, I'll believe it when I see it, Martin." "Hello, Roger!" "Are you having a little poo?" "Yes." "Trying to." " It's bad news, Roger, the worst there is." " What is it?" "I've sold my soul to the devil," "I've joined the army, I've opened a florist's," "I've steered the earth onto a crash course with the sun." "Don't bother wiping your bum, it's an emergency!" "Anything goes!" "Sparky, why do you persist in making up these silly stories designed to make a fool of me" " and mess up my life?" " Hmm..." "Dr Twinky at the toy shop says it's because I've got a bad dose of nutty puppet mayhem." "Shall I get the Totopoly out?" " Or shall we play swear-word alphabet?" " When I took you in, we agreed that you wouldn't play any tricks on me, and yet that's all you seem to do." "I know, Roger, and I'm sorry." "Let me tell you a story." "(Sparky) Once upon a time, there was a lonely puppet whose mummy and daddy had died in horrid circumstances." "His heart was breaking. "Nobody loves me, " he said. "Whatever shall I do?"" "Then, one day, a kind man happened by and listened to the puppet's story." "It touched his heart, and he invited the little puppet to come and live with him and play hide-and-seek all day long." "At last, the puppet had a home." "More importantly, he had found a friend." "The puppet was ever so grateful, and vowed there and then that he would love the man forever." "That puppet was me, Roger, and you were that man." "How can we ever be parted?" "(Roger sobbing)" "(Flushing)" "(Laughs) Wet bum!" "Wet bum!" " Sparky!" " (Laughs) Wet bum!" "Wet bum!" "You foolish young man!" "Right, now, what we're doing here is we're staking out this pub because we think..." "Right, you see that pub?" "Well, we know there are some organised criminals in there having a meeting." "That's generally where they have their meetings, in a pub or a bar." " Not so much offices." " Almost never." "Yeah." "And I'm sorry to say that we think - we think - that one of the criminals in there is a policeman, if you can understand such a thing." "You see, he's what's known as a bent copper." "Now, what this means is not that he's a homosexual, er... although he is, but don't worry about that." "What it means is that he's...not a policeman." " He is a policeman." " Well, yeah, he is a policeman, but what it means is that he is..." " Corrupt." " Gay." "Corrupt." "Yeah, he's corrupt." "So, I was right first time, he's not a policeman." " Yes, he is." " Well...yeah, Kevin, yes, he is a policeman, but he's also a criminal." "Now, you know, the two just don't...tesselate." " Go." " Go." "Yeah, they don't go." "It's like chalk and..." " Cheese." " Lager." "Cheese." "Chalk and cheese." "So, all right, he's not a policeman, but he sort of is." "He's sort of half and half, so... we'll probably let him off, won't we?" " Yeah." " Yeah." "Well, that's what I've been trying to say." "There's no one here." "I mean, where's Alan?" "Where's sales?" "Where's accounts?" "Yeah, I mean, what's going on here?" "Where's catering?" "I haven't had a coffee all day." "Where's office furnishings?" "Where's fixtures and fittings?" "Where's my office?" "Where's my chair?" "Look, I'm telling you, Martin, this whole end of the operation is just one mobile-phone battery away from folding, and there's still no IT." "I mean, what sort of a business is this?" " (Indistinct chatter) - (# Gentle piano melody)" "(Chuckles)" "(# Clashing notes on piano)" "Well, try backup again." "I'm telling you, something's gone terribly wrong." "Well, I mean, where's the heating?" "Where's the roof?" "I'm cold and it's starting to rain." "Where's my job?" "Where's my dinner?" "Look, I really think there's been a major breakdown in support." "Where's my wife?" "Where's my company car?" "Where's my house?" "What's going on?" "Why did you send me here?" "Who are you, Martin?" "What do you want from me?" "Where's finance?" "Can you do those tricks like in that film where you throw bottles in the air and catch them?" "Like in that film?" "The film Cocktail?" "With Tom Cruise in it?" "Can I do that?" "Well, let's see, shall we?" "No." "No, I can't." "(Slurring) # I'm feeling supersonic, give me gin and tonic" "# You can have it all but how much do you want it?" " # You make me laugh - (Trickling)" "# You must... #" "Oh, my God!" "Oh, God!" "I need a doctor!" "Oh, God!" "Paul, it's just the blue loo again." "Oh." "Oh, right." "(Phone ringing)"