"The best thing about my new school is that I met an amazing girl." "A guy like you has no chance with Charlotte Allen." "Oh, man." "Who I then accidentally freaked out..." "Who you stalking?" "No one." "And scared away." "Whoa, buddy." "You need to calm down." "Charlotte?" "I'm not going to pretend the Charlotte thing didn't hurt my confidence." "Being ignored by girls is one thing." "Actively driving them away is a whole nother animal." "But I was determined to press on." "And at least I hadn't lost the support of my friends... because I never had it." "You guys think I'm attractive, right?" "You look like a hobbit that's stacked on the shoulders of another hobbit." "You're definitely not my type." "I can't tell." "But I'll ask around." "Start with your dad." "[Snickers]" "Not cool, man." "I am attractive." "Charlotte saw it." "And if I hadn't scared her away, the whole school would have caught on." "But even my own mom didn't think I was attractive." "Need a ride to school?" "No, Simon's gonna take us." "I love that you have this group of friends." "I think it really helps." "Helps?" "You know, with the pressures of high school:" "Girls, so obsessed with all the popular guys." "But don't worry." "When you go to college, you'll meet someone who'll be able to look past what's on the outside and see what's underneath." "You've got a great big heart." "Will, sexiness is something that you're born with." "For me, it's like breathing." "You're attractive?" "Uh, I don't know." "Why don't you ask the hottie I've been raw dogging for the last three weeks." "You mean this made-up girl that none of us have ever seen?" "Because she's a prostitute, dude." "She works at night and then sleeps in my bed during the day." "So when do you have sex with her?" "At night." "And her pimp is okay with that?" "He should be, 'cause it's me." "[Chairs clang]" "Ugh, there's my dad." "All right, come on." "Let's go." "He's not coming to beat you with that is he?" "Worse;" "He's gonna remind me of our golf match this Saturday." "1:00 tee time, pal." "Bring your "a" game and your wallet." "[Chuckles]" "You bring your "a" game, old man." "Oh, God." "Why me?" "I thought you like golf." "I do, just not with my dad." "He can get a little... [grunts]" "God damn it!" "Like that." "I have to throw every hole so he'll stay calm." "God damn it!" "He's already got two strikes at our country club." "Wait." "Your country club has a jacuzzi, doesn't it?" "Yeah, next to the pool." "Ah, this is gonna be perfect." "You have to get me in this weekend." "What about your made-up plans with the prostitute that doesn't exist?" "I'll blow her off." "Let's go." "[Engine turning]" "♪ Oh, my, my love ♪ my little dove ♪ my honeybee yeah, so you'd say it's about 102 degrees, right?" "Kind of steamy, but not overly hot?" "I don't know, Jay." "It's a jacuzzi." "Why do you care?" "I don't care." "I mean, we're sitting here talking about nothing." "Maybe I'm not attractive." "Maybe I'm gonna be alone forever." "So is it tile or plaster?" "I don't know." "Guys!" "You're ignoring Will." "Is it tile or plaster?" "But even though my crappy friends had no desire to help me, destiny did." "[Soaring pop music]" "♪" "Charlotte." "[Sighs]" "It's over, dude." "She de-friended you." "You can't come back from that." "Well, if she just spent some time with me, I know I could reel her in with my wit." "That's how you got me." "Charlotte is a hot piece of ass." "I'd definitely add her to my roster." "You're not a pimp." "Not if anybody asks." "And if they don't ask." "Hey, Charlotte." "Hey, Will." "Will's friends." "Simon." "Blue Jay--bird." "Ja--the letter." "Neil Patrick Sutherland." "Uh-huh." "Senior slave auction?" "Yeah, the senior's raise money for the prom by auctioning off the coolest guys and hottest girls to the underclassmen." "Make sure to bid on me tomorrow." "Don't bother." "She's mine." "She's mine." "We spent that afternoon discussing my plan to buy Charlotte..." "[Barrel clanging]" "Who I planned to eventually marry." "Getting her for one day won't make her fall in love with you, Will." "Maybe not, but having her around Will at least make me feel good." "I mean, my own mom thinks I'm a loser." "It's bad for my confidence." "Ah, the loser's right." "Buying Charlotte would be good for all of our confidence." "[Sighs]" "That's why I started doing the spartan training." "Me too." "But the best exercise has always been group sex." "I don't think we'll get to have sex with her." "I mean, I don't think I want you to." "But having a hot girl around can't be bad for a group of guys that spend their free time in an abandoned lot breaking things for no reason." "She's not gonna come cheap." "Well, how much do we have?" "[Coins clinking]" "Neil, what are those?" "Baby teeth." "I never cashed them in." "The accrued interest is gonna be massive." "Okay." "Is this really all we have?" "Simon." "What?" "Do you have any money?" "Mm..." "No." "He's got money!" "He's got money!" "I do!" "I do!" "$100?" "Whoa!" "Did your grandma die again?" "No." "My dad pads my allowance for every golf match." "We're playing for $10 a hole, so-- Hmm, no, he'll want it back." "'Cause you throw every hole." "'Cause he's a golf psychopath." "I saw him kill a turtle once for distracting him." "He killed a turtle!" "Oh, God, no!" "[Laughs]" "Simon, you're a great golfer." "You don't need to hide that from a dad who can't handle losing." "If I beat him, he will lose his mind." "I'll come with you and absorb it." "[Sighs]" "Please, Simon." "I need this." "Looks like we're buying a girl." "Here you go." "The next morning, I was ready for the auction and all the benefits it would provide." "Need me to pick you up today?" "Nope." "There's a very special someone who will be happy to give me a lift." "You don't mean Simon?" "Nope." "About a million times hotter, mom." "A million times hotter." "And with $100 of Simon's money in my pocket, I was ready to rent the girl of my dreams." "All right!" "Welcome to the senior slave auction." "[Cheers and applause]" "Yay!" "All right." "You all know him from the football field." "Trevor Smith." "[Cheers and applause]" "Okay." "Can we start the bidding off for this future nothing at $10?" "Do I hear $10?" "$10." "Do I hear $20?" "Hey, Simon." "Carly, hi." "You guys here to bid?" "No, we're just here to hang out with you guys." "Awesome." "Bobby's up for auction, so I have to make sure he doesn't go to some lame girl with a crush on him." "Psht, yeah, it's pathetic." "People do that?" "Ha-ha-ha-ha." "Who are you bidding on?" "We'll probably just raise our hand randomly at one moment." "You know, get swept up in the moment of giving." "40. $40." "Nope." "That's sweet, you guys." "We're all here to support the cause." "And if you're ever up for auction." "I'm not a senior." "I know, but if you ever just wanted to make money for yourself." "[Snickers]" "Did you just call me a whore?" "No." "[Scoffs]" "$80." "Do I hear 85?" "Keep swinging, Simon." "85." "I'm gonna cry." "It's okay." "I'm about ready to cry." "Going once, going twice... sold for $80 to the beautiful girl, the, uh..." "She's beautiful." "All right, come up here and claim your senior." "Damn it." "Carly was right." "We can't bid on Charlotte." "She'll see right through it." "Carly's with Bobby." "Who cares what she thinks?" "I do." "We have to abort." "Wait." "What if we bid on a guy first?" "We come in low, and then we get outbid." "That way, it looks less calculated when we bid on Charlotte." "Then she'll be the one who has to abort." "Good plan." "Let's do that." "I'm not bidding on a dude." "Neither am I." "I came up with the plan." "It's not a big deal." "I'll do it." "Okay." "Our next senior has set records in track, has a 4.0 grade average, and played a half-eaten torso in MTV's Teen Wolf." "Let's hear it for Darius hill." "$20!" "Oh, [bleep]." "What just happened?" "Uh... okay." "It's because he's black." "We just bid on a black guy at a slave auction." "Oh, [bleep]." "Why does it matter?" "We're gonna return him." "Damn it, I'd rather be a pervert than a racist." "Why'd you bid on him, Will?" "Because I'm not a racist, ironically." "Okay, uh..." "I hear $20." "Do I hear 25?" "Anybody want to bid on this very fine..." "mm--slave?" "Oh, my God." "Someone bid on him." "Someone bid on him." "We were in trouble." "We needed somebody to bid." "Anybody." "$100!" "Oh, God." "Anybody but him." "Thank God." "Sold to Neil Sutherland and, I assume, Will Mackenzie," "Simon Cooper, and Jay Cartwright." "♪ Do is shake, shake" "♪ keep your body still where you guys going?" "And last, but not least, Charlotte Allen." "$200!" "[Cheers and applause]" "The rest of the day was an utter disaster." "If the point of having a slave was to make your life easier, we had clearly missed the boat." "So come on, fellows." "Can I get you guys some food?" "Soda or something?" "No." "Can we get you anything, Darius?" "You want a fry?" "You guys haven't had me do anything all day." "We're very self-sufficient." "Look." "I get it." "I'm black." "You feel awkward having a black slave." "What?" "Black?" "We don't see color." "You're white to us." "Simon." "Okay, the senior slave auction is like a rite of passage." "And you guys are making me look bad in front of the other seniors." "I don't want this to be some kind of charity case." "Isn't it, though?" "You guys paid $100 for me." "That's a lot of money." "If I don't do anything, it's like I'm stealing from you." "I don't think you steal." "We would never accuse you of stealing." "Wait!" "Oh." "Found my brownie." "I thought you stole it." "Seriously, guys." "Let me do something, okay?" "How about this weekend?" "We're just going to my dad's country club." "Perfect." "I'll drive you." "Be like having your own chauffeur." "Can you wear one of those funny hats?" "No way in hell." "So not only had I lost Charlotte, I had lost Simon's $100." "And now I had to help him face his dad on the golf course." "I'm sorry." "I don't think he'll be allowed in." "Are you serious?" "What, because he doesn't look like the rest of us?" "I mean, because he's bla..." "No, because we don't allow flip-flops or jeans." "You guys got a pro shop?" "Cool." "♪ You got it all" "So we headed to the golf course, where the promise of even more embarrassment awaited us." "♪ It's the last time ♪" "♪ I sit by ♪ saving face ♪ with all your friends ♪ 'cause it's one thing ♪" "♪ to remember ♪ and another thing ♪ to live again" "Are you sure you don't want in on this action, Will?" "I'll take your money too." "[Chuckles]" "No, I'll just caddy for Simon." "That's more my strength." "Here's your driver, buddy." "[Sighs]" "That's my putter." "♪ Ooh, ooh" "♪ ooh, ooh, ooh" "♪ you want it" "♪ you got it all [grunts]" "Oh, no." "There's a Cooper slice." "Not as bad as Simon's, thank God." "[Laughs]" "Wow." "Right behind the screws." "Okay." "Let's go play some golf." "♪ Ooh, ooh ♪ ooh, ooh, ooh ♪ ooh, ooh ♪ you want it ♪ you got it all" "And Jay finally made it to the jacuzzi he had been so mysteriously pining for." "There it is, Neil." "Finally." "You know you can put hot water in a bathtub, right?" "No, it's no about the hot water, man." "It's about the jet." "The jacuzzi jet is the perfect diameter to stick your dingus in for the perfect orgasm." "Wow." "My bro told me about it last summer." "Do you remember that porn star he used to date?" "No." "Well, he did." "And he dumped her for an old lady with a jacuzzi." "[Sighs]" "Nothing can compare to that sweet hot pleasure hole." "Wow." "What does it feel like?" "Like [bleep]ing a mermaid." "Come to papa." "[Sultry rock music]" "[Jets humming]" "Ooh!" "It's a nice one, about to get a lot nicer." "Oh!" "Unfortunately, this mermaid was more of a sea monster that decided to keep Jay's penis for itself." "Ah... ugh." "[Grunting]" "Oh, it's gonna pull off." "I'm stuck." "Neil." "Neil." "Neil." "Neil!" "Neil, come here." "Come" " Do I have to whistle?" "Are you a dog?" "And after a trip to the pro shop, Darius was finally able to fit in." "Yes, when you have more time, can you bring towels to cabana five for me?" "Thank you, darling." "[Upbeat rock music]" "And even though watching Simon's dad play golf was even more painful than watching Charlotte rub another man's shoulders..." "Having me there did makes things easier on Simon." "I'm destroying him." "I never knew it would taste so sweet to crush my dad." "Okay, well, you can miss a few shots." "You're pretty far ahead." "No, no, no, no." "Never again." "It's his turn to be the loser." "So easy, in fact, that he had no trouble displaying his own lack of sportsmanship." "That's another one for me." "Vrrr!" "Vrrr!" "Shh!" "What was that?" "Uh, just won another hole." "Boom-shaka-laka." "You want to do that thing with your club again?" "Maybe I do, dad." "Maybe I do." "I taught you better than this." "If you taught me, I'd suck." "You guys mind if we play through?" "No, you will not play through!" "Screw this." "I'm out of here." "What are you doing?" "You can't just leave." "You play him." "Simon?" "You wanted to spend the money, Will." "He was right." "I deserved this." "You stay out of that clubhouse!" "I see you with an order of chicken fingers, you are done!" "Back nine." "You and me." "Double or nothing." "I'm not much of a golfer." "Tee off." "Okay." "And as I hadn't gotten the girl, and nobody considered me attractive, it seemed like being a friend to Simon and finishing this game was the only way to keep my dignity." "That's the ball retriever." "But I'd been wrong before." "Turns out golf is extremely hard." "Despite my best efforts, I couldn't get my ball close to the hole." "While on the other side of the club, Jay couldn't get his balls out of the hole." "What's going on?" "Kid's setting a new hot tub record, almost two hours now." "I got a bet with my friends back here." "Is he?" "Really now." "Oh, Simon, help me." "Good God, man." "Get out of there." "I can't." "[Groans]" "Oh, my God." "Are you-- [Straining]" "I think I'm setting a different kind of record." "Oh, no." "That's two hours." "[Cheering]" "Pay up, ass[bleep]." "[Applause]" "Help me." "I don't even know where to start." "Start by getting my [bleep] out of this hole." "[Whimpering]" "[Straining]" "Pull." "Push." "No, I can't." "Ugh." "It's like Taffy, I bet." "Oh, it's in there." "It's in there for good." "And I have to live here." "Hey." "Hey, dude." "What's going on over there?" "Oh, I don't know." "But Jay has been in there a long time, and he keeps waving, so I'm sure he's fine." "Oh, hell no." "Meanwhile, I had managed to lose every hole of golf and was now severely in debt to Simon's dad." "Mr. Cooper." "Mr. Cooper." "Yeah?" "Hi." "I was just wondering if, uh, maybe I could pay you in installments?" "Perhaps some yard work?" "Come on, Will." "You think I'm gonna take money from you?" "You played your heart out today." "Not your fault I'm a natural." "You keep your money." "Spend it on a girl." "Good-looking kid like you is gonna have plenty of chances to do that." "You think I'm good-looking?" "Are you kidding me?" "You got a whole Eric Bana thing going." "I would have killed for your looks when I was younger." "My whole life would have been different." "I was attractive." "Somebody finally saw it." "And maybe it was only a matter of time before Charlotte did too." "I had wit, charm, and, most importantly, a penis that wasn't stuck in a jacuzzi." "Let me get this straight." "Your penis is engorged inside of the jet, because of the water pressure, but we can't turn the jets off, because then everyone in here would see that you are, in fact, making love to a jacuzzi." "Did I get that right?" "Yes, sir." "Catch-22." "I swear to God the next time I bang a pool, the pool's gonna be a person." "Hey, what's going on?" "You guys should try these piña coladas." "I've had, like, 20." "What?" "How did you pay for them?" "I said to charge it to Mr. Rusakov, like the guy in front of me." "Neil!" "It hurts so much." "I'm all out of love." "We got to get him out of here." "Come on." "I can't live like this, not like this." "[Sighs]" "Oh... [ladies gasping]" "His [bleep] was stuck in the hole." "Oh!" "'Cause he was [bleep] it." "Oh, my God." "Ew." "Come on." "Go." "Come on." "Come on, buddy." "No more!" "In his final act of servitude, Darius drove each of us home." "First Neil, who was finally feeling the effect of 20 piña coladas." "♪ Once you get the feeling ♪ it wants you back for more" "♪ says it's gonna heal it but ♪" "♪ you won't make the call ♪" "Then Jay, who was also in a state of recovery." "I free you." "Then Simon, whose dad's victory over me had erased his anger at Simon." "Gave Will here an old-fashioned Cooper beat-down." "Unfortunately, Simon's victory over him erased that." "Maybe you can win a hole against me next time." "Why don't you go [bleep] yourself!" "And finally me, the only one who had gotten through the day completely unscathed." "Or so I had thought." "Hmm." "He is a million times hotter than Simon."