"The Itchy  Scratchy  Poochie Show" "I hope you enjoyed my one-man pie fight, kids!" "Now it's time for another fanshmabulous episode of Itchy  Scratchy!" "Kids?" "Kids." "You're missing The Itchy  Scratchy Show." " Don't you like it anymore?" " Sure." "We love it." "But how can we watch TV when it's so beautiful out?" "Yeah, Mom." "I mean, we love you and Dad too but we don't need to see you every day." "An occasional hug is all I ask." "Mom!" "You can hug me when I'm asleep." "I do." "Hey, Krusty, you look great." "You get your teeth bleached?" "Yeah, it's a new kind of polymer treatment..." "Hey, shut up." "You're here because your Itchy  Scratchy cartoons stink up my ratings." "Look at this breakdown of yesterday's show." "What happened here, lightning hit the transmitter?" "See, that's what I thought at first, but then..." "Hey, shut up!" "That crater is where your lousy cartoon crash-landed!" "It's ratings poison!" "But Itchy  Scratchy is critically acclaimed." "Acclaimed!" "I ought to replace it right now with a Chinese cartoon where the robots turn into blingwads!" "But I'm a lazy, lazy man, Roger so I'll give you one more chance." "Now, get out." "Don't come back till you've fixed Itchy  Scratchy." "Yeah." "Okay, Mel, you can go in now." "Krusty, I've come to solicit donations for the Rock 'n' Roll Museum, and..." "I'll come back later." "I need to purchase a brassiere." "You kids wait over here in the Credit Department." "Can't we just wander around and meet you back here later?" "Okay." "Just be careful." "Would you kids like to come with me?" " Sounds good." "Let's go." " Okay, I guess so." "Thanks for participating in our focus group." "Today, we're gonna show you some Itchy  Scratchy cartoons." " All right!" " Cool." "We want you to tell us what you think." "And be honest because no one from the show is here spying on you." "Why is that mirror sneezing?" "Look, it's just an old, creaky mirror." "Sometimes it sounds a little like it's sneezing or coughing or talking softly." "Now, you each have a knob in front of you." "When you like what you see, turn the knob to the right." "When you don't like what you see, turn it left." "My knob tastes funny." "Please refrain from tasting the knob." "Hey, quit it." "They like Itchy, they like Scratchy." "One kid seems to love the Speedo man." "What more do they want?" "Okay, how many of you would like Itchy  Scratchy to deal with real-life problems, like the ones you face every day?" " I would!" " Great idea!" "Yeah, that's it." "And who would like to see them do just the opposite getting into far-out situations involving robots and magic powers?" " Me!" "I would." " Cool." "Yeah, that's the way to go!" "So you want a realistic, down-to-earth show that's completely off the wall and swarming with magic robots?" " That's right." " Yeah." "Good." "And also, you should win things by watching." "You kids don't know what you want." "That's why you're still kids, because you're stupid." "Just tell me what's wrong with the freaking show!" " Mommy!" " Excuse me, sir." "The thing is, there's not really anything wrong with The Itchy  Scratchy Show." "It's as good as ever." "But after so many years the characters just can't have the same impact they once had." "That's it." "That's it, little girl." "You saved Itchy  Scratchy." "Please sign papers indicating you did not save Itchy  Scratchy." "I've figured out how to rejuvenate the show." "It is so simple, you egghead writers would've never thought of it." "What we need is a new character, one that today's kids can relate to." "Are you absolutely sure that's wise, sir?" "I don't wanna sound pretentious here but Itchy  Scratchy comprise a dramaturgical dyad." "Hey, this ain't art, it's business." "What you got in mind, sexy broad, gangster octopus?" "No." "No, the animal chain of command goes:" "Mouse, cat, dog." "D-O-G." "A dog?" "Isn't that a tad predictable?" "In your dreams." "We're talking the original dog from hell." "You mean Cerberus?" "We at the network want a dog with attitude." "He's edgy." "He's in your face." "You've heard the expression, "Let's get busy."" "Well, this is a dog who gets bus-ay consistently and thoroughly." " So he's proactive, huh?" " Oh, God, yes!" "We're talking about a totally outrageous paradigm." "Excuse me, but "proactive" and "paradigm"?" "Aren't these just buzzwords that dumb people use to sound important?" "Not that I'm accusing you of anything like that." " I'm fired, aren't I?" " Oh, yes." "The rest of you, start thinking up a name for this funky dog." "I don't know, something along the lines of, say, Poochie only more proactive." "Yeah!" "So "Poochie" okay with everybody?" " Yeah, that's fine." " You know, it's good." "No." "No, no!" "He was supposed to have attitude." " What do you mean exactly?" " Oh, you know, attitude." "Attitude!" " Sunglasses." " Can we put him in a hip-hop context?" "Forget context, he's gotta be a surfer." " Give me a schmeer of surfer." " I feel we should Rasta-fy him by 10 percent, or so." "I think he needs a little more attitude." " Oh, yeah, bingo." " Yeah!" " There it is, right there." "That's it." " I love it." "Hey, Lis, look." "They're adding a new character to Itchy  Scratchy." ""Poochie the Dog"?" "Adding a new character is often a desperate attempt to boost low ratings." "Yo, yo!" "How's it hanging, everybody?" " Morning, Roy." " Yeah, hi, Roy." "Hey, they're having open casting for the voice of Poochie." "You should try out, Dad." "You have a funny voice." " I do not." " Haven't you ever listened to yourself?" "I prefer to listen to Cheap Trick." "Well, here, say something." "Hey, this is Homer Simpson saying howdy to all the girls out there in radio-land." "Hey, this is Homer Simpson saying..." "I don't sound like that, do I?" "I don't like having such a hilarious voice." "That hilarious voice could be your ticket to stardom." "Whoa, a talking dog." "What were you guys smoking when you came up with that?" "We were eating rotisserie chicken." "Can you just read the line, please?" "I am Poochie the rocking dog." "You're perfect." "In fact, you're better than perfect." "Next to you, perfection is crap." "I'm Poochie the rocking dog." "Hi, I'm Troy McClure." "You may remember me from such cartoons as Christmas Ape and Christmas Ape Goes to Summer Camp." "You're even better than this guy." "Take a hike, you bum." "I'm Poochie the rocking dog." "Now, that's just bad." "You got no attitude." "You're barely outrageous." "And I don't know what you're in, but it's not in my face." "Next." "Oh, no attitude, eh?" "Not in your face, huh?" " You can cram it with walnuts, ugly." " That's it." "That's the Poochie attitude." "Do that again." " I can't." "I don't remember what I did." " Then you don't get the job." "Next." "Oh, I don't get the job, do I?" "I don't get to be a cartoon dog." "That's it!" "You've got the job!" "Oh, now I got the job, huh?" "Oh, thank you." "Okay, Homer, let's get a level check on your voice." "She smells sheet smells by the sheet store." " Wait, wait." "Let me try it again." " Relax, Homer, you'll do fine." "I'm June Bellamy." "I do the voices of Itchy and Scratchy." "You?" "But you're a lady." "She's a lady, all right, a beautiful lady." "Hey, that really is you." "How'd you get to be so good?" "Oh, just experience, I suppose." "I started out as Road Runner." "You mean:" "No, they only paid me to say it once then they doubled it up on the soundtrack." "Cheap bastards." "You folks ready to begin?" "I guess." "Is this episode going on the air live?" "No, Homer." "Very few cartoons are broadcast live." "It's a strain on the animators' wrists." "Question for Miss Bellamy." "In episode 2F09 when Itchy plays Scratchy's skeleton like a xylophone he strikes the same rib twice in succession yet he produces two clearly different tones." "I mean, what are we to believe, that this is some sort of a...?" "A magic xylophone, or something?" "Boy, I really hope somebody got fired for that blunder." " Well..." " I'll field this one." "Let me ask you a question." "Why would a man whose shirt says "Genius at Work" spend all of his time watching a children's cartoon show?" "I withdraw my question." "Excuse me, Mr. Simpson." "On the Itchy  Scratchy CD-ROM is there a way to get out of the dungeon without using the wizard key?" " What the hell are you talking about?" " You're a lifesaver." "I can't deal with these hard-core fans." " Your attention, please." " In episode..." "Hey, your attention, please!" "Mr. Simpson will now be autographing 8-by-10 glossies of Poochie." "One per customer." "Please form a line." "There will be no cutting." "I'm talking to you, Mr. Cutter." "Pardon me." "Look out." "Pardon me." "Excuse me." "Hot soup." "Hi." "Kindly make one out to me and three out to my friend of the same name." "I'm so glad you could join us for Homer's big premiere." " You know, Poochie's based on me." "Is this seat taken, little girl?" " I'm not a girl." "Are you blind?" " Yes." "I am stoked, Mr. S." "Everybody, it's coming on." "Once in a great while, we are privileged to experience a television event so extraordinary it becomes part of our shared heritage." "1969, man walks on the moon." "1971, man walks on the moon again." "Then for a long time, nothing happened." "Until tonight." "Behold, the future of comedy, Poochie!" "Look, Scratchy, it's our new friend, Poochie." "What's that name again?" "I forgot." "The name's Poochie D And I rock the telly" "I'm half Joe Camel And a third Fonzarelli" "I'm the kung fu hippie From gangsta city" "I'm a rappin' surfer You the fool I pity" "Poochie is one outrageous dude." "He's totally in my face." "Wiggity-wiggity, word up." "Rock on, party." "When are they gonna get to the fireworks factory?" "Can somebody tell me what is going on?" "Midge, help me out here." "Quiet." "You're missing the jokes." "Catch you on the flip side, dudemeisters." "Not!" "Hey, kids, always recycle to the extreme!" "Busted!" "That stunk." "Well, what did everybody think?" "Homer, I can honestly say that was the best episode of Impy  Chimpy I've ever seen." "Yeah, you should be very proud, Homer." "You got a beautiful home here." "So it was pretty okay, huh?" " Mom, can we go to bed without dinner?" " Yes, we can." "Well, at least I liked it." "Didn't I?" "Oh, you don't wanna know what I really think." "Now, look sad and say "D'oh."" "D'oh." "I'm the worst Poochie ever." "No, it's not your fault, Dad." "You did fine." "It's just that Poochie was a soulless byproduct of committee thinking." "You can't be cool just by spouting a bunch of worn-out buzzwords." " Don't have a cow, Lis." " Bart's right." "Let's none of us have a cow." "All that matters is that the fans of the show liked it." "Last night's Itchy  Scratchy was, without a doubt the worst episode ever." "Rest assured that I was on the Internet within minutes registering disgust throughout the world." "I know it wasn't great, but what right do you have to complain?" "As a loyal viewer, I feel they owe me." "What?" "They've given you thousands of hours of entertainment for free." "What could they possibly owe you?" "I mean, if anything, you owe them." "Worst episode ever." "It looks like the beginning of the end for the venerable Itchy  Scratchy program." "For years, TV critics such as yours truly, Kent Brockman have waited impatiently for cracks to appear in the show's hilarious facade." "Yesterday our prayers were finally answered when Poochie the Dog made his howlingly unfunny debut." "Far be it from me to gloat at another's downfall but I have a feeling no children are gonna be crying when this puppy is put to sleep." "What the hell happened?" "I'd attribute the product failure to fundamental shifts in our demographic coupled with the overall crumminess of Poochie." "You gotta stop this thing!" "Please!" "I'm getting egged on the street!" "Do something!" "Do something!" "Hi, Mr. Myers." "I've been doing some thinking and I got some ideas to improve the show." "I got it right here." ""One, Poochie needs to be louder, angrier and have access to a time machine." "Two, whenever Poochie's not on screen all the other characters should be asking, 'Where's Poochie?" "'" " Three..."" " Great." "Great." "Just leave them right there on the floor on your way out." "Thanks, Homer." "Great." "Okay, so anyway..." "Listen, guys, we gotta do something about Poochie." "There's only one thing we can do..." "Then they said they were gonna kill Poochie off." "Really?" "Oh, how terrible." "Yes, terrible." "It's not your fault, Homer." "It's those lousy writers." "They make me madder than a yak in heat!" "You're right, Marge." "It's not my fault." "I'm not gonna let them treat Poochie like dirt just because he's the new guy." " Right on, Mr. S." " Put a sock in it, Roy." "Okay, so here's where Itchy lunges at Poochie with a rusty chain saw." "Cue sound effects." "Rustier." "Are you prepared to die, Poochie?" "No, I am not." "Oh, cut." "Cut, cut, cut." "Just stick to the script as written, Homer." "You're supposed to say:" ""Please, cut off my head." "I don't deserve to live."" "Never." "Never?" "You can't just kill off a classic TV character." "Poochie could be bigger than curly fries." "But first he has to win back the audience." "That's why I'm gonna read these lines I wrote with my own two hands." "Forget it, Homer." "We can do this show without you if we have to." "But not without me." "Oh, jeez!" "Let him try the new lines." "All right." "All right." "We'll try it." "Action." "Hi, Poochie." "You look like you've got something to say." "Do you?" "Yes, I certainly do." "Hello there, Itchy." "I know there's a lot of people who don't like me and wish I would go away." "But I think we got off on the wrong foot." "I know I can come off a little proactive, and for that, I'm sorry." "But if everyone could find a place in their hearts for the little dog nobody wanted I know we can make them laugh and cry till we grow old together." "And cut." "Now, kids, I know you loved the old Poochie but the new one's going to be better than 10 Super Bowls." "I don't wanna oversell it, judge for yourself." " Well, look who's here." " Hi, Poochie." "You look like you've got something to say." "Do you?" "Yes, I certainly do." "I have to go now." "My planet needs me." "Wow, Poochie came from another planet?" " I guess." " Hey, that wasn't supposed to happen." "Those finks double-crossed me." "Poochie's dead!" "Now, kids, we all know that sometimes when cartoon characters die they're back again the very next week." "That's why I'm presenting this sworn affidavit that Poochie will never, ever, ever return." "This document conforms to all applicable laws and statutes." "Oh, yeah!" "Tough break, Dad." "I guess people just weren't ready for Poochie." "Maybe in a few years." "Good news, everybody I'm moving into my own apartment with two sexy ladies." "Then I guess this is goodbye, Roy." "Maybe we'll see you in a few years." "Well, I guess I learned my lesson." "The thing is, I lost creative control of the project." "And I forgot to ask for any money." "Well, live and learn." "It's back to the basics, classic Itchy  Scratchy." "We should thank our lucky stars they're still putting out a program of this caliber after so many years." "What else is on?" "Subtitles by SDI Media Group" "[ENGLISH]"