"Hello." "I'm Brigadier General Crandall Clayton." "As one of thousands of brave Americans fighting in this scrap here in Korea," "I have the honour to command a group of courageous, hard-working medical men, surgeons in uniform using their skill to repair the damage of war." "The film you're about to see is a true case of their service in a great cause." "I'm sure it'll be as inspirational to you as it was to me, their leader." "Cut." "Save the lights." "Beautiful." "Lovely." "You give this documentary real class." " Good." "I want to cooperate in any way I can." " I appreciate it." "I even brought that list you wanted." "Now look, these are MASH units under my command." "I think I know just the outfit you need:" "the 4077th." "Very high fitness record." "Commanded by my dear friend Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake." "He heads up the best surgical team in the whole damn war." "Real soldiers." " You dance beautifully." " Thank you." "So do you." " You'll be in town for the whole convention?" " Turn that thing off." "Just keep shaving, Frank." " You're a terrific dipper." " Oh, yeah." "After operating, where do you find the energy?" "Can't help it, Frank." "We're the crazy generation." " Who's been using my razor?" " I cannot tell a lie." "It was I." " I told you before to leave my stuff alone!" " He only used it to shave his legs." "Oh, you guys." "He's so fresh." " Ten-hut." " Hiya, Henry." " Hiya, Henry." " At ease, men." "This is Lieutenant Bricker." " Lieutenant Bricker, Major Burns." " How are ya?" " Captain McIntyre." " Nice to see ya." " And Captain Pierce." " Welcome aboard, Lieutenant." "Surgeon?" "I hope so." "We don't need a gynaecologist." "No, Lieutenant Bricker is with Special Services." "He's a movie director." "Well, welcome anyway." "Thank you." "Officers and doctors?" "That's what it says on my box of leeches." "The lieutenant's on special assignment." "He's making a documentary on MASH units." "General Clayton said he couldn't make a better choice than the old 4077th, huh?" "Was he sober when he said it?" "I wanna tell your story, focusing on one doctor but showing all of you." "Now, any of you done any acting?" "You dirty rat!" "You come in here and you ask if we've ever, if we've ever done any acting..." "Why, you dirty - that's not too bad, is it?" "I never saw Carmen Miranda done better." "Now, cut that out." "I've had a little experience." "Amateur production in college." "I played Romeo." "And Juliet." "That's interesting, Major." "Thank you." "I did dramatics in high school, too." "For a while there, it was a toss-up whether I'd be a doctor or an actor." " What finally happened?" " Shut him up." "Frank is a fine surgeon and a first-rate officer." "But he's nothing in a tight sweater." "How'd you like to have a shot at this?" "Who, me?" "No, I'm sorry." "I'm under contract to North Korea... as a spy." "Sense of humour, huh?" "Moves well." "Good skin tone." "But I promised Fred I'd never dance with anybody but him." "It's for the old 4077th, Pierce." " Could be laughs." " Aw, come on!" "If you don't do it, he's gonna give it to Frank." "OK, that does it!" "You got me, Bricker." "Fine." "We'll start right away." "Gee, standing around minding my own business, then poof!" "A star is born!" "Attention, all personnel." "Attention." "Casualties in the compound." "All personnel report on the double." "Start this guy on whole blood, stat." "Now, hold it, hold it." "Cut." "I want a shot of you conferring with a doctor." "Talking it over, making a decision." "Hey, fella?" "Could you smile, like you got confidence in the doctor?" "Get this guy inside and prep him." "We promised MacArthur we'd get the war on schedule." " I got it." " Gimme a clamp." " Another clamp." "Will you move?" " Great." "Keep going." " How you doing?" " Got it." "We need a little more action." "Something dramatic." " Trapper, lift his appendix." " What?" "I think they need a close-up." "Why don't you lift his gallbladder?" "Maybe you can sing to his appendix." " Get out of here with that thing!" " Move!" "And the secret of making it better is in the hands of fine corpsmen such as you," "Corporal Radar O'Reilly of Ottumwa, Iowa." " Now, cut." " What was wrong with that one?" "You always wear those glasses?" " Since I was two." " They're reflecting the lights." " The glasses reflect the lights." " Can you see without them?" " See what?" " Never mind." "Keep them on." "Keep your head down." " Yes, sir." " But look up at the colonel." "Keep your head down." "Look up at the colonel." "Keep your head down." "Look up at the Colonel." "What's this?" "His-and-her majors?" " Not interrupting, are we?" " No." "She's helping with the narration for the documentary." " Bricker asked me to do it." " He's a fantastic performer." "Really?" "And can he act, too?" " Give us a taste, Frank." " Yeah, come on." "Go ahead, Frank." "Show them." "Skip that part." ""A group of brave men work in a makeshift operating room, struggling to save your sons and brothers, while, outside, the dogs of war bark at the door of this sanctuary..."" "Down, boy!" "Down!" ""These are the saints in surgical garb."" ""Dedicated surgeons, all volunteers."" ""Every red-blooded American knows, if he is wounded, he will be in the strong, capable hands of a Yankee Doodle Doctor."" " A Yankee Doodle Doctor?" " # Stuck a feather in his nurse # and called her macaroni" " You didn't like it?" " Let me count the ways." "That's hardly a constructive criticism." "Oh, you want a constructive criticism." "Right." "How about "You stink"?" "So does this movie show and Lieutenant Bricker." " Stinks?" "!" "Oh, you, you..." " Who are you calling a "you-you"?" "Come on, Frank." "We'll rehearse in my tent." "Take it easy." "Save a little something for the show." "Did you hear that garbage?" "It's nothing but a bunch of lies." "They're making a fairy-tale documentary." ""All volunteers."" "When they came for me I was hiding, trying to puncture my eardrum with an ice pick." "Look, we've been had." "The picture's finished, and that's that." "What?" "I don't think it's quite finished enough, if you get my drift." "First, we get ahold of Radar." "Do you mind if I sit here?" "Thank you." " Sir?" "Do you have a minute?" " For what?" "I wonder if you have any tips for anyone who wants to get in the movies." " Another time, maybe, huh?" " How did you get started?" "Me?" "Hey." "Gimme a light over here." "That's it." "Screwdriver." "Wrench." "Ow." "You make a lousy nurse." "Yeah, but it's been tough for me, because I won't sell out." " I'm a funny kind of guy." " Are ya?" "Integrity means more to me than anything." "The right to do what I think is right." "Spotlight, please." " Moves slow in the beginning." " Maybe it gets better." " Oh, that's my bad side." " It looked good to me." "You were good in that place." "Isn't that good?" " Moves better here." " A double feature." " Where was I?" " You just married your high-school teacher." "Wonderful woman." "Helped me a lot with my career." "Wonder if she's still alive?" "Is that it?" "Th-th-th-th-th-th-th-that's all, folks!" " Ruined!" " Exposed to light." " Every reel." " All of it?" "All of it." "I mean, naturally I'm worried about all of it." "But, uh... my stuff, too?" "Well, I mean, I..." "Your call for General Clayton, sir." " Did I call General Clayton?" " I called him." "This is my office, Lieutenant." "General Clayton, Henry Blake." "Everything's fine, sir." "Well, not actually fine." "Actually, terrible rather than fine." "But everything was really fine before it got terrible." "Tell him!" "Lieutenant Bricker shot all of his movie, and then someone ruined it." "Yes, sir, exposed it." "We don't quite know how." "But it was locked up." "Someone who's very good with his hands and with tools, like a surgeon, got..." "I'll call you right back, sir." "Bricker, come on." "OK, why'd you do it?" " Do what?" " Do what you did." "What did we do that makes you ask if we've done what we did?" " You ruined my film, that's what you did!" " I acted as well as I could." " Don't get cute." "You know what I mean!" " You guys opened his cans!" "I haven't opened a can since I was an intern." "Double-talk him all you want." "I know you exposed my film." "That's a very serious accusation, Lieutenant." " And very hard to prove." " Yeah." "Nobody pulls that schoolboy crud on Duane William Bricker." " We start reshooting tomorrow." " Fine, but do it without me." " Aw, come on." " I will not work with that man." "He simply drained me." "I'm not putting my career in his hands." "Career?" "Who do you think you are?" "!" "The star of Yankee Doodle Doctor." " Could I..." " No autographs at this time." " Has he left yet?" " Save your voice, darling." " Be sensible." " Not now." "I'm going to my dressing room to lie down." "I've met some weirdos, but these two take the cake." "But at least it's honest weirdoism." "Not like that phoney footage you shot." " I'm not through here." " Then we'll disregard the rumour." "Bricker." "Bricker." "Listen, we can work things out." "We'll do the movie without that hotshot." "I don't think so." "Not really." "Hawkeye Pierce is, warts and all, kind of the heartbeat of this place." "Maybe we can work out a compromise." "Get our gear loaded and take the truck." "I'll take the next chopper." " Is that your idea of a compromise?" " I'm a funny kind of guy." "I never compromise." "I go right to surrender." "Listen." "Do you realise how important that movie would be back home, to our folks, to see the kind of job we're doing here?" "Gee, I told my folks I was coming over here to avoid making house calls." "Listen." "Crass as it may sound, it'd be a pretty good plug for us, this movie." "Back home." "You know." "I can just hear them back at the hospital after the war." ""There goes Dr Pierce." "A fair doctor, but a great profile."" "This monkey's gonna hightail it right to General Clayton." "They'll make that movie at some other MASH outfit." "That'll leave us out in the cold." "Hey..." "Henry?" "Can we let Bricker go and keep his camera guy here and all his equipment?" "I think so." " You still got Bricker's script?" " I hope so." " We can make this movie ourselves." " You can what?" " We can make it ourselves." " That's gutsy of you." ""Guts" is my middle name." "Actually, it's "Kinda Disgusting"." " You really think you can do it?" " Yeah!" "Tomorrow we start shooting." " What do you say?" " OK, here's to it." "Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake and Captain Pierce proudly present Yankee Doodle Doctor." "Where do you come off with top billing?" "Because of your jewellery?" " Get a good shot of this." " I'm getting it." " Move in closer." " Cut it." " This shot's not in the script." " Just handle the mechanical details." "Yes, sir." " OK, ready?" " Ready to roll." "Action!" "How far away should I..." "Wait a minute." "Attention." "Wait a minute, listen..." "In this scene the corpsmen unload Radar, and Trapper and I come out and look him over before they take him away." "Sergeant, put your camera there." "And get us coming out of pre-op." "Get in the truck." "All right." "OK." " Are you all right?" " I'm acting." " What?" " I'm acting!" "Attention, all personnel." "Tonight in the mess tent, at 2100 hours, the movie that could turn Korea into a new Hollywood:" ""Yankee Doodle Doctor", with a cast of several." "The movie that will give you a lump no surgeon can remove." "Ten-hut!" "At ease." "Good to see you, Major." " Been a long time." " Too long, General." "Well, sir, it's just about almost ready now, any minute now, pretty soon, sir." "Excuse me, General, you'll be sitting over here, sir." "And, Major Burns, you'll be sitting right there." "Major Houlihan, of course, will sit next to the general." "Excuse me, sir." "Quiet!" "Now, just a second before we start, to welcome our honoured guest," "Brigadier General Clayton." "This film that we're all about to see for the first time is the general's baby." "And of course we're mighty proud to be able to deliver it." "Well, then, on with the show." "Will you turn out the lights, Radar?" "Thank you." "Hello." "I'm Brigadier General Crandall Clayton." "Among the thousands of brave Americans fighting in this scrap here in Korea," "I have the honour to command courageous, hard-working medical men." "Very good, sir." "Marvellous." "So professional." "The film you're about to see is a true record of their service in a great cause." "I'm sure it'll be as inspirational to you as it is to me, their leader." "This is the 4077th Mobile Army Surgical Hospital, somewhere in Korea." "Not a very attractive military post, mainly because the men of the 4077th have no time for anything but the vital work they do." " Hey, Radar!" " Hey!" "Beautiful!" "Just a little medical-school humour, sir." "Men at the 4077th are on 24-hour duty, always ready to receive those Gls who need medical help." " Doctor!" "Can you give him a hand?" " I'd rather give you one." " Are you the Yankee Doodle Doctor?" " I certainly am." "Radar, you're terrific." "I'm glad they brought me here." " Have you got a reservation?" " A reservation?" "!" "I'm afraid we're all booked up through New Year's." " But, Doctor!" " I'm sorry, kid." "You shoulda booked ahead." "Come to think of it, you shoulda booked the rest of the body as well." "What the hell was that?" "Brave men struggle in a makeshift operating room, while the dogs of war bark at their very door." "Heads up, everybody." "Yankee Doodle Doctor's coming." "Lucky!" " Is the patient ready for surgery?" " Yes." "I'm certainly glad one of us is." " Did you take his pulse?" " Yes, Doctor." "I told you to take his wallet." "First things first." "Let me have a scalpel." "Don't get undressed." "Just give me a scalpel." "That's not a scalpel." "That's not a scalpel." "Now, that's what I call a scalpel." " If this hurts, you'll be the first to know." " What about anaesthesia?" "No, thank you." "I prefer to be awake through this." "Give him some anaesthesia." "Don't laugh." "You're unconscious." "You'll be a better man for this, my friend." "Who can spare a tree?" "Well, that's enough of that." "I think it's time to sew." " Sew what?" " That's what I say." "Incision closed." "You're finished, Doctor." "Yes, but who are you to remind me?" "Nurse, would you like to hop into the oxygen tent for some heavy breathing?" "Wait a minute." " Anything wrong, Doctor?" " I think I just found my wristwatch." "Or he's giving birth to an alarm clock." "How dare you say that in front of a lady?" "Good night, folks." "In rare moments, these saints in surgical garb may relax with simple, wholesome pleasures." "Gentlemen!" "Gentlemen, I give you the war." "Three hours ago this man was in a battle." "Two hours ago we operated on him." "He's got a 50-50 chance." "We win some, we lose some." "That's what it's all about." "No promises." "No guaranteed survival." "No saints in surgical garb." "Our willingness, our experience, our technique are not enough." "Guns, bombs and anti-personnel mines have more power to take life than we have to preserve it." "Not a very happy ending for a movie." "But then no war is a movie." " I don't know how this happened." " It's scandalous, General." "Please don't worry, sir." "We can do the whole thing over." "There's no need for that." "It's not all bad." " Sir?" " Save that first bit - my introduction." "And that last piece with Captain Pierce talking." "Burn everything in between." "But save one print for me." "We gotta have something to laugh at when this whole thing is over." "Shall we, my dear?" " I'd be happy to." " I think she wanted my autograph." " You can't even talk." " I can write." "Ah, gosh." " You were very good today, Doctor." " Another day, another duodenum." "Did you catch my work in there?" "Oh, yes." "But he's the Yankee Doodle Doctor." " It's a privilege to assist him." " Any time, love." "In fact, maybe even later today." "I've been thinking about my next picture." "I'd like to try something light." "Maybe romantic." "They don't make pictures like that any more." "Two brothers." "One's a Yankee, the other's Korean." "They don't look anything alike, and I play both parts." "I bet if I played it with a big black hat, I'd look like Lincoln."