"Chief:" "All I asked for was a mustache." "You call that a mustache?" "Well, there's a mustache under here someplace, Chief." "Max, all I wanted from you was a nice, thin, normal mustache." "Now you go back down to the makeup department and turn that in." "Right, Chief." "What do you mean, "turn it in"?" "I can't turn it in." "This is my hair!" "I gave these orders a week ago." "Are you trying to tell me you grew that much hair in a week?" "Well, Chief, the CONTROL lab gave me this special salve that I put on my face every night before I went to bed." "And it grew that much hair in only one week?" "You should see my pillow." "That's fantastic!" "Max... uh, will it grow hair on your head too?" "Oh." "No, I'm sorry about that, Chief." " But I'll tell you what you can do." " What?" "You can put the salve on your face, and when the hair grows real long, you can comb it back over your head." "That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard." " It is?" " Yes." "Then don't do it." "Max, the assignment I have for you calls for a thin mustache." "Now go down to the CONTROL barber shop and have him shave everything else off." "All right, Chief, but you haven't told me what my assignment is yet." "Well, I can't tell you yet." "The only thing I can tell you is that you're about to embark on a highly-secret mission of such magnitude that the lives of two million people may very well rest in your hands." "Oh." "Well, in that case, Chief," "I'd better get a manicure too." "Did you meet the boat?" "Yes, Chief." "We were waiting for her when she docked." " Did everything go smoothly?" " Yes, except for one little detail." " What's that?" " Well, we met the boat, we got the mummy case, we put it on the truck, and as I was escorting the truck we ran into some heavy traffic." "What happened to the mummy case?" "Well, I lost 'em in traffic, and I don't know where they are." "The King of Caronia is in that mummy case." " Really?" " Yes, really." "That's terrible." "You'd think a king could afford better accommodations than that." "Larrabee, he was being smuggled into the country." "No one was to know he's here." "Don't worry, Chief." "I'm sure we'll locate the truck." "I don't know if we have enough time." "The king was put into that mummy case a half hour before the boat docked." "According to our calculations, there was only enough air in that case to keep him alive for two hours." "Now he only has 10 minutes left." " ( phone rings )" " Oh, Larrabee, get that." "I don't want to talk to anybody unless it's important." "Hello." "Who's calling?" "Oh." "Yes, he's here, but he doesn't want to talk to anyone now." "He's busy." "Okay, so you're busy too." "So what do you want from me?" "He told me he doesn't want to talk to anybody." "Look, why don't I have him call you back later when he has a free moment?" "No, I don't think you should hang on." "We want to keep the line open in case we get an important call." "Who is that?" "It's the President of the United States." "Give me that phone!" "Good afternoon, sir." "Uh, no, sir, not yet." "It's lost somewhere in traffic in downtown Washington." "We'll let you know as soon as we know anything more." "The king has only five minutes of air left to breathe, and the men driving don't know where our secret headquarters are." " ( phone rings )" " Hello." "Send them right in." "They're here." "Thank heavens." "We don't have a second to spare." "Where do you want it?" "Well, just put it down there." "That's fine." "How in the world did you men find us?" "We stopped in this gas station and I asked a man if he could tell us how to get to CONTROL headquarters." " And he knew?" " No, he didn't know." "But there were a couple of kids putting air in their bicycle tires, and, uh, they knew." " Larrabee, show them out, please." " Right, Chief." "I'm sorry, Your Royal Highness." "We'll have you out of there in just a moment." " ( door opens )" " Is this what you had in mind, Chief?" "Uh, yes, that's very good, Max." "That's perfect." "Max, if you don't mind, I can't talk right now." "I'm very busy." "Oh, okay, Chief." "Where'd you get the mummy?" "It's mine." "I bought it in an antique shop." "Oh, really?" "You know, I saw a movie once with Turhan Bey, and he bought this mummy, and this mummy put a curse on him." " Do you believe in curses, Chief?" " No." "Maybe you don't, but Turhan Bey never worked again." "I'll have you out of there in a minute, Your Royal Highness." "You forgot to give me my assignment." "I'll give it to you tonight." "Just be at the masquerade party at the Caronian Embassy tonight, and I'll explain everything." "Right, Chief." "Your Royal Highness, I'm terribly sorry." "Your Royal Highness." "( theme music playing )" "Hurry up, 99, or we'll be late." "99:" "I'll be ready in just a minute, Max." "Max, if you have a minute, would you clear the table?" "I just did." "Uh, 99, you'd better hurry up or we'll be late." "I'll be down in a minute, Max!" "Right." "I'm ready, Max." "( British accent ) My love, your beauty eclipses the brightness of the moon." "Oh, thank you, Max." "You look very dashing yourself." " You really think so, 99?" " Oh, yes." "I don't know what assignment the Chief had in mind when he had you grow that mustache, but it looks perfect with your costume." "I don't know either, 99, but it certainly presented a problem." "Why?" "I didn't know whether to come to the masquerade as D'Artagnan," "Dickie Smothers, or Anna Magnani." " Well, you made the perfect, choice." " Hmm, yes." "I didn't pick the costume, 99." "The Chief picked it." "I wonder why the ball's being held at the Caronian Embassy." "I don't know, but we'd better hurry or we'll be late." "( British accent ) Come, my love." "Your royal carriage waits without." "Oh, Max, sometimes when you talk like that you sound so much like King Charles of Caronia, I think you must be him." "Yes, well, when I'm with you, my dear, I feel like a king." "Well, Your Majesty, haven't you forgotten something?" ""Forgotten something"?" "What have I forgotten?" "To take out the garbage." "( jazz playing )" "( gasps )" " Sorry about that, 99." " Oh, that's all right, Max." "I'll go into the powder room and fix it." "Wait for me here." "Did I take too long, Max?" "Ah, my darling, a moment away from you is like an eternity." "Max, when you play a part, you really go all out." "Well, come, my dear, let us join the others and dance." "It will give me a chance to hold you in my arms." "You should never get out of this costume, Max." "Colonel Von Klaus!" "Smart, I regret that we have to meet again like this." "What happened?" "And why are we talking in front of this dirty kid?" " Max, it's me." " Oh, it's you, Chief." "I thought it was Tiny Tim." "Max, because of security, we couldn't tell you earlier what was going to happen." "King Charles of Caronia is here in Washington on a very crucial mission." "Mr. Smart, I have something very important to show you." "King Charles wants to secure a very large loan from your country to keep the army of Caronia strong, and so for security, he's turning over this." " What is it?" " The royal diamond scepter." "This is a mission the king's enemies will do anything to stop." ""The king's enemies"?" "I thought I got rid of Basil when I was in Caronia." "I did get rid of Basil, didn't I?" "Yes, but not Basil's aide-- someone far more treacherous and deadly." " Basil's wife?" " No, Rupert of Rathskeller." "Of course." "Rotten ruthless Rupert of Rathskeller." "He's a handsome devil, a dazzling swordsman, and the women of Caronia find him irresistible." " How do the men find him?" " He's in the phone book." "We believe that Rupert is here and will try to stop the loan by stealing the scepter." "He'll then take over the Caronian army and kill King Charles." "So once again because of your remarkable resemblance to King Charles, we ask your help." "I see." "In other words, what you're asking me to do is to impersonate the king again, act as a decoy in case anyone wants to kill him." " Is that correct?" " Exactly." "We want King Charles to stay at your apartment." "We've given him an exact replica of your wardrobe so that when people see him, they'll think he's you." " Does 99 know?" " Not yet." "This masquerade ball is the perfect time to make the switch." " We must do nothing to jeopardize it." " I see." "Well, then I presume that King Charles will reveal his true identity to 99 when they get to the apartment." "Up until then, of course, she'll think she's with me." "Is that correct?" "Max, I think she'll find out when she discovers the man she's dancing with is charming, sophisticated and a good dancer." "Of course." "Well, to tell you the truth, I don't think that's such a good idea." "After all, we don't live in a palace." "We just live in a little apartment." "His Majesty will love it." "It'll give him a chance to relax, take off his crown and be like an ordinary person." "Well, it's all right with me if it's okay with 99." "But I think I should go out there and check." "No, Max." "They have to finish out the evening together and return home together." "We must arouse no suspicions of any kind." "You see, King Charles has been well informed on the domestic background of Mr. And Mrs. 86." "And he still wants to stay with us?" "As far as your neighbors are concerned, they'll think he's you." "Good." "Then he can take out the garbage." "Max!" "Max, you're to wait here until King Charles and 99 arrive at the apartment." "Then you can go home and explain everything to 99." "Now, we'd better get back to the party." "In the meantime, guard this with your life until we return." "Good evening, Your Majesty." "Ah, what good, good fortune to find you here, and alone." "Oh, you must excuse this untimely intrusion, but you see, no one was thoughtful enough to send me an invitation." "Ah, but then we Rathskellers were never much on formality, were we?" "Ah, Rupert." "Of course, my good friend Rupert." "How good of you to come." "( chuckles )" "You're such a charming and handsome fellow," "I'm sure the ladies will be delighted to see you." "Uh, come, come." "Let us not keep them waiting." " But first, the scepter." " The scepter?" "What scepter?" " The scepter behind your back." " Oh." "That scepter." "( chuckles )" "( chuckles ) Hand it over." "Forget it!" "There's only one way you can take the scepter out of this room, my friend." "That's the way." "Now if you would be so kind as to step aside, Your Majesty." "Very clever, Your Majesty." "The old sever-the-cord- on-the-lamp trick." "( silenced gun fires )" "Come, come, Your Majesty." "All the doors and windows are locked, and only I know a way out." "I'm going to fix myself a cup of coffee, Maxwell." "Would you care for a cup?" "No, thanks, Your Highness." "Oh, I'm going to bed now, love." "Good night." "Good night." "( kisses )" "99..." "I'm over here." "That's King Charles." "Oh, Your Highness, I'm terribly sorry." "That's quite all right, my dear." " ( clears throat ) - ( clears throat )" "Oh, Max, I'm sorry, but you two look so much alike." "Well, that's it, 99." "That is it." "I am making a new ruling around here." "There will be no more kissing-- absolutely no more kissing-- until this assignment is over and King Charles goes back to Caronia." "But, Max, he might be here for another week!" "Well, I'm sorry, 99, but that's the way it's got to be." "Do you mean to say you could go a whole week without kissing me?" "Why not?" "I've gone the whole night, haven't I?" "Okay." "Night, Max." "Good night." "( knock at door )" " Who is it?" " Max, it's me, the Chief." "Let me in." " Oh, hi, Chief." " Hi, Max." "I just got your message that you wanted to see me immediately." "Yes... you just got my message now?" "I phoned that message in to the Caronian Embassy over three hours ago." "Max, the man who took the message doesn't understand English." "Well, that's why I gave him the message in Caronian." " You don't speak Caronian." " But he didn't know that." "Max, it's late." "What is it you wanted to see me about?" "You know, after you and Colonel Von Klaus left me in the embassy room," "I had a visit from Rupert of Rathskeller." " Max, he didn't get the scepter?" " No." "I managed to escape and bring it back here." "Thank heavens." "You'd better give me the scepter and let me take it to headquarters for safekeeping." "Right, Chief." " Uh..." " What's the matter?" "( stammering ) "What's the matter"?" "Yes, well, you're not gonna like this, Chief, but I forgot where I hid the scepter." " What?" " Yes, well, you see, Chief, when I came home I had the scepter in my hand, and I was looking for a good place to hide it." "Then I looked around and there was the king and 99 kissing in the doorway." "And I got so upset that I just-- I just forgot where I hid the scepter." "All right, Max." "Don't panic." "Let's reconstruct the entire thing from when you came home." " That's a good idea, Chief." " You go out and come in like you did." "What's the first thing you did when you came in the door?" " I tripped over the rug." " You don't have to do that this time." " Just come in." " Right, Chief." "What'd you do next?" "Next I went into the kitchen and fixed a cup of coffee." " Do it." " Right, Chief." "How can you fix coffee that fast?" "( British accent ) It's instant coffee, my friend." "I'm sorry, Your Highness, I thought you were Max." "No, Maxwell is in the kitchen." "Is there anything wrong, Chief?" "Oh, no, Your Highness, everything's fine." " Then I bid you a fond good night." " Good night, Your Highness." "( door opens, shuts )" "It's no good, Chief." "I can't remember whether I left the scepter on the counter in the kitchen or brought it back in here." "If I only had something that was the size of the scepter that I could hold in my hand, then maybe I could remember." "What about a broomstick?" "Do you have a broom?" " Yes, in the closet." " Go get it." "All righty." "Now I'll just break this." "There you are." "That's just about the size of the scepter." "Mmm, that's good, Chief." "That's just about right." "Wait a minute." "Wait a minute." "Now I remember." "Now I remember I came out of the kitchen, and I looked across and I saw that the window was open." "I said to myself, "What is the window doing open?"" "I know I didn't open the window, Chief." "So I said," ""If I didn't open the window, somebody else did." "I'd better close it."" "So I came over here." "Now the window was open." " Open it up." "Close it like you did." " Right." "Oops." "You didn't drop the scepter in the street?" "Uh, no, I dropped the broomstick in the street, Chief." "Are you sure you didn't drop the scepter in the street?" "I'm positive I didn't drop the scepter, because I remember when I turned around and looked, there was the king and 99 standing in the doorway, and I had the scepter in my hand." " All right, what did you do next?" " Uh, next, yes." "Uh, next, uh..." "let's see, Chief." "I remember" " I came out, I think I went to the bar." "No." "No, I didn't go to the bar, because I said to myself," ""No, tonight I'm not gonna have a drink because things are too upset."" "So then I went upstairs to the, uh, uh" "No, I didn't do that either." "I just can't remember without the broomstick, Chief." "Well, all right." "I'll break off another piece." "Let me have the broom." " Huh?" " The broom." "Let me have it." " Oh." "Where is it?" " Well, I gave it to you, Max." "No, no, no, Chief." "I gave it to you." "You had it." "No, Max, you had the broom." "I distinctly remember you having the broomstick, Chief." "Max, I took the broom, I broke off a piece," "I gave you a piece, and I gave you back the broom!" "No, Chief, you took the broom, you broke off a piece, you handed me a piece and you kept the broomstick!" "Max, don't panic." "Let's reconstruct everything that we did." "Oh, shall I bring King Charles back down, Chief?" " No, let's do this ourselves." " Oh, good." " Now you went to the broom closet." " Right." "I went to the closet, opened it up, reached in, handed you the broom." "Right, and I broke off a piece, and I handed you a piece of the broom." "Right, Chief." "Uh, and then what happened?" " Well, I don't know." "What happened?" " Uh..." "I don't know, Chief." "I can't remember without the broomstick." "If I only had something that felt like the broomstick, then maybe I could remember." "The umbrella-- we'll use the umbrella for the broomstick." "All right, Max, let's not panic." "Let's reconstruct every move we made from the moment I handed you the umbrella." "Right, Chief." "And that'll lead us to the umbrella." "Once we find the umbrella, that will lead us to the broomstick." "And once we find the broomstick, that will lead us to the, uh-- to the uh, uh" " What are we looking for, Chief?" " The scepter, Max!" " Right, the scepter." " Now, I handed you the umbrella." "Right, Chief." "And then I dropped it on the floor." " Right." " Then we both reached to pick it up." " ( both groan )" " That part I remember very well." "What did you do after you picked up the umbrella, Chief?" "I didn't do anything, Max, because I didn't pick up the umbrella." " You picked up the umbrella!" " Now wait a minute, Chief." "I distinctly remember you picking up that umbrella from the floor." "All right, Max, let's not panic." "Let's take it all from the top again." " I walked over to the umbrella stand." " Right." "I reached in, and I took out the umbrella." "Then I walked over to-- Max, it's the scepter." "The scepter!" "It's been in the umbrella stand all along!" " ( sighs )" " Of course." "Now I remember, Chief." "I heard something at the door, so I slipped behind the door to see who it was." "Then when the door opened up and I saw the king and 99 kissing," "I got so nervous and excited that I let the scepter slip from my hand, and it dropped into the umbrella stand." "And that is exactly where it's going to remain." "In the umbrella stand?" "Yes." "If you and I couldn't find it in there, Rupert never will." " Hmm, maybe you're right, Chief." " ( sighs )" "Well, all's well that ends well." "Yes, well, that's easy for you to say, but I'm out an umbrella and a broom." "Well, I'm sure you'll find them." "Now you said I could borrow your car to get home." "That's right." "It's parked right in front of the building." " Let me have the keys, please." " Huh?" " The keys-- let me have them." " I gave you the keys, Chief." "No, you didn't." "You didn't give me the keys." "Oh, yes, I did." "When you said," ""Could I borrow the car?" that's when I gave you the keys." "You did not give me the keys." "Chief, I distinctly remember when you asked to borrow the car," "I reached into the pocket of my robe and handed you the keys." "Max, you did not hand me the car keys!" "Oh, let's not panic, Chief!" "All right, get started." "Hello, Rupert?" "King Charles is staying with Maxwell Smart." "We're right outside the door." "I've already sent in the silent visitor." "In a matter of moments, every human being in that apartment will be dead." "( theme music playing )"