"[Applause]" "[Clears Throat]" "Three and a half years ago, my husband and I split up." "And it was an amicable breakup." "In fact, we used to joke that it was a divorce made in heaven." "Of course it was sad, but there was one thing I really looked forward to... and that was, I got to live alone again." "And I bought myself this little bungalow in Hollywood... and I made it my symbol of independence." "Well, I set about decorating it... and I wanted to make sure that it was really girly and strongly feminine." "And I wanted it to say to anyone who walked in..." ""A woman lives here alone and happy about it."" "[Laughter]" "Now, for the first year that I had this house, I was still living in New York City." "So I would scrimp and save and send my money back home so that I could decorate it." "And it was during this year... that I developed this elaborate fantasy for my Shangri-la." " [Piano]" " I believed that I'd spend a lot of time alone there... and probably give a lot of little petite soirees... and fabulous gourmet dinner parties." "Maybe someone would drink a little bit too much... and I would insist that they spend the night in the guest room... which is just big enough for someone to spend the night in... after a rousing evening of conversation... about, oh, the latest Coen brothers movie... or the problems in Bosnia with that horrible Slobodan Milosevic... and a fun game we could all play... where we all name all the justices on the Supreme Court." "And isn't this dessert fabulous?" "And aren't blueberries, even out of season?" "[Audience Laughing]" "I figured I'd spend the long afternoons there... listening to Tchaikovsky... and writing all of those great screenplays... that are just in my head right now." "And I would never marry again." "And I would live in this house alone for the next 60 years." "Well, me and my three cats, Gus, Rita and Frank." "And after several years, my neighbors would look down the street... and they would say to their friends, "There lives Julia Sweeney." ""You know, she never married after a brief early liaison." ""But we've never known anyone..." ""who was happier and more full of life than thatJulia Sweeney." " How we envy her existence." - [Ends]" "Well, that's when God just said, "Ha!"" "About a month after I moved back from New York... and I had ensconced myself safely in my new perfect little abode... my brother Michael, who had also moved to Los Angeles... was diagnosed with lymph cancer." "Mike hadn't been feeling well for a while... and he didn't have any insurance." "So he'd just go to the free clinic." "And by the time he was diagnosed, he was in stage four." "And there only are four stages." "Like, stage five is dead." "So it was an incredibly serious situation." "And I immediately moved him into my home and took over taking care of him." "And our brotherJim, who had also moved to Los Angeles... was over all the time and helping out." "And after a few weeks, our parents, who were naturally distraught... packed up all their bags, drove down from Spokane, and moved in." "And for the next nine months... there we all were in my perfect little house made for one." "Now, of course, our biggest concern was for Michael." "And, of course, we all love each other very much." " But let me just take a moment..." " [Audience Laughing] to rant to you about what it's like... to suddenly have your parents living with you... when you've spent half your life away from them... and you can never really lose your temper... because of the enormity of the whole situation." "For example, this is how my mother would answer the phone." ""Hello." "This is Jeri Sweeney answering the telephone... to take down a message for her daughter, Julia Sweeney."" "[Audience Laughing]" "Had to take her aside and say, "You know, 'hello. '" "That's gonna be okay."" "My mother has this habit of stringing together disconnecting thoughts... and then trying to present them as one idea." "And she's always saying things like..." ""Oh, I think the cantaloupe would work." "The blouse you wanted altered is on the bed." "Have you seen the car keys?"" "Once my mother took me aside and she said..." ""You know, I think Your father might be getting Alzheimer's... because he doesn't know what I'm talking about half the time."" "[Audience Laughing]" "My mother has this storytelling technique... that I call the red-herring style... where she'll drop a piece of very intriguing unrelated information... into the top of her story and then go on and act as if it's irrelevant." "For example, once she said to me..." ""Julie, I had to get the ingredients for that potato salad..." ""so I went to the store, and I had a hard time pulling out of the driveway..." ""because there was a man lying there." "Anyway, I went to the store, and I didn't know if you wanted new potatoes or I..."" "And I'll say, "Mom, there was a man lying in my driveway?"" "And then she always acts as if I've interrupted the cadence of her story." "And she'll go, "Oh, uh, uh, uh, yes." [Laughing]" "[Audience Laughing, Applauding]" "I have this office in my backyard... that I use to write in and prepare for auditions... or, as my mother calls them, "tryouts."" "[Audience Laughing]" "And my parents were always coming back there and interrupting me... and I finally had to explain to them... that when they did that, it was like not only having my parents living with me in my home... it was like having my parents with me at my job too." "And so they agreed they would only come back there if it was very, very important." "And my mother immediately came back." "And she said, "Julie, I'm sorry to bother you..." ""but I have been through your kitchen, top to bottom... and I cannot find where you keep your mixes."" "And I said, "My what?" And she said, "Your mixes." ""You know, like your Laura Scudder's beef stroganoff mix." " Where is that?" - [Audience Laughing]" "Once, I was out of my office and my mother came back there... and she said, "Julie, the light has gone out in the bathroom..." ""and I found another bulb." ""But I didn't know if you wanted it screwed in... in some... special way."" "[Audience Laughing]" "Now, my father was a U.S. attorney... and after his retirement five years ago... he's chosen to spend all of his new free time... listening to National Public Radio." "He has a little Walkman that he keeps on a belt and these headphones." "And like a stereotypical teenager in a movie... he's always off in his own little world." "And recently, he told me that he hasn't missed Morning Edition once in seven years." "And because of this... it seems as though Bob Edwards and Mara Liasson and Cokie Roberts... are his very best friends." "And I think he has a special fondness for Cokie... because he's always saying things like..." ""Oh, you know what Cokie did today?"" "Or he'll say, "You know, Cokie doesn't like what that Bob Dole is saying."" "Or once he said, "You know, Cokie broadcast in her pajamas this morning."" "And I said, "Really?"" "And he said, "Yeah, they had all this broadcast equipment put into her home..." ""so she could just get up and broadcast." ""And this morning she said she was in her pajamas." "Can you imagine?"" " And I said, "Oh, Cokie." [Laughs] - [Audience Laughing]" "Now, because my father was constantly listening to N.P. R... ." "And I mean constantly." "Like he slept with the headphones on all night... because there was a special other Canadian broadcast... between the hours of 3:00 and 5:00 a.m." "We always knew the news, like, as it was happening." "And one day my father came bounding down the hallway... and he said, "Julie, there's been an earthquake in Japan." "And I said, "Oh, my God." "When?"" "And he said, "Thirty seconds ago."" "[Audience Laughing]" "Now, we were especially concerned about this... because my sister Meg lives in Tokushima, Japan... and Tokushima's only 40 miles from Kobe, which was the earthquake's epicenter." "Meg's lived there for seven years." "And she has a Japanese boyfriend there whose name is Yamamoto." "And he's a sweet potato farmer, and she calls him "Yam" for short." "[Audience Laughing]" "And he doesn't speak any English... so he doesn't know how funny that is." "[Audience Laughing]" "Now, when my father was practicing as a U.S. attorney... his specialty was in Indian land law." "And while it always sounded really cool and politically correct... when I was growing up..." "I would tell my friends that my dad was an expert in Indian land law... what I didn't explain to them... was that my dad wasn't exactly on the side of the Indians." "[Audience Laughing]" "The government policy in the Pacific Northwest towards the Native Americans... is basically to create a reservation... and then later, if the government finds something valuable on the land... they'd swoop in and take it back." "And my dad was the guy to swoop in and take it back." "Well, there was one big case that got away from my father in his career... and it was against this Indian family called the Sohapis." "And I always loved that name, 'cause I thought, " what a responsibility to live up to."" "And the Sohapis had this sacred burial ground... that my father was trying to condemn... because they were putting up this dam nearby, and it was going to flood that area." "Well, the Sohapis fought valiantly against this, and in the end, they won." "Well, this was the big case that got away from my father in his career." "And sometimes still, You can find him in the kitchen late at night... with a drink in one hand and the other hand on the counter..." "looking on the floor and saying, "Those goddamn Sohapis."" "[Audience Laughing]" "Now, over the course of the nine months... that my parents stayed with me... things started to slowly change around the house." "For example, the food." "Where I once had bottled Samuel Adams beer in the refrigerator... that would be drunk and then replaced with canned Pabst Blue Ribbon beer." "Or if I had fresh chunky salsa from TraderJoe's in the refrigerator... that would be eaten and replaced with a can of Del Monte tomato paste... that my mother was sure could double as salsa." "Once, I was out in my office and my mother came back there... and she said, "Julie, I'm sorry to bother you, but I've been through your kitchen." "I can't find Your Parmesan cheese."" "And I said, "Oh, well, actually, I have a chunk of Parmesan in the refrigerator... and then a special grater for it in the cupboard up above the stove."" "And she said, "What?"" "And I said, "I have a chunk of Parmesan in the refrigerator... and then a grater for it in the cupboard up above the stove."" "And she said, "Oh, Julie, You know, you don't have to do that."" "[Laughter]" "Even if I used words like "pasta,"" "it was as if I was throwing my big-city ways right into their face." "They'd say, "You mean noodles?"" "And if I used a phrase like "marinara sauce," it really blew their minds." "So after a few months, I was reduced to saying things... like, "Hey, how about the noodles with the red topping?"" "[Audience Laughing]" "Now, please keep in mind... that I had spent years in therapy talking about my parents... and learning how to do things like, oh, set boundaries." "But here I suddenly was in this enormous situation... with Mike sick and the medical bills mounting and my parents there... and there was nothing I could do... but accept the surreal nightmare that life had become." "Now, with Mike sick, there was a lot to do." "Mike got radiation five days a week and two different kinds of chemo." "Uh, one chemo, we called the big chemo... and he got that every three weeks." "And that went into his veins and required him to sit with an I.V. for about four hours." "And the other chemo was the spinal tap chemo... and that went directly into his spinal column." "And that he got nearly every other day." "So almost every day... someone was escorting Mike from Hollywood out to the UCLA cancer center." "Plus there were a lot of other things for us to do... like stand in line at Social Security... to see if we can get the right forms to try to get Mike under Medi-Cal." "Or figure out how to get a disabled parking pass." "Or get one of the myriad of prescriptions filled." "Mike, up until his diagnosis... has always been the most private member of our family." "You really got close to Mike on his terms." "Mike was actually a master at boundary-setting from a very young age." "In fact, as a teenager, Mike had a doorbell installed outside of his bedroom door." "And as an adult, if you said something to Mike like..." ""Hey, how about dinner and a movie?"" "Mike was apt to respond, "Yes, I could do that on Tuesday..." ""between the hours of 6:30 and 9:00... but after 9:00, I have other plans."" "So for someone like Mike, to be sick like that and in my house... with our parents there, it was a particular invasion... and we all just pretended that our parents were down on this extended visit." "Mike had this habit of asking each doctor or nurse... the first time he encountered them for their cards... so that he could verify their qualifications... and then he would quiz them on their educational background." "And I'm not exactly sure why Mike did this." "I think it just had something to do with Mike trying to keep some control." "But all I knew is that whenever a new medical professional would enter the room... my stomach would tense up... because I knew at some point, Mike would be demanding their card... and then going over their history of work experience." "The doctors prescribed Marinol for Mike... which is basically marijuana in pill form." "And that's an accepted drug for cancer patients... to help keep their pain down and their appetite up." "But marijuana in pill form doesn't work nearly as effectively... as it does in leaf form." "Fortunately, our brother Bill who lives in Spokane with his wife and kids... was able to get his hands on some real primo stuff." "Bill's always had this talent." "In fact, in high school, Bill would occasionally supplement his income... by selling pot out of the family basement... without our parents knowing about it, of course." "And my mother would always say things like..." ""You know, that Bill is so popular." "But his friends only stay for five minutes."" "After Mike's diagnosis, his condition was like a pendulum." "Sometimes he'd be so sick, he'd have to spend the night in the hospital... and sometimes he'd feel well enough to go back to his own apartment... which we kept and was only about a mile from my place." "But most of the time, he stayed with me." "And when he did, this is how the sleeping arrangements were:" "My parents slept in the guest room, Mike slept in my room... and I like to sleep on the pullout sofa out back in the office." "And after a few months, the lines started to cross... between whose house it really was." "And I think this happened partially because..." "Well, I have a lot of furniture in my house... that I inherited from my parents... when they moved from the big house to the condo." "And so, like my coffee table and my end tables and my lamps... are all the same things I grew up around." "And to suddenly have my parents living there... and my brothers around all the time... it started to feel more like I was living at home again." "And I found myself walking around thinking..." ""Oh, when I go to college..." ""I'm gonna get my own dorm room..." ""and then I'm gonna do what I want." " And..." "Oh, my God, I already went to college." - [Audience Laughing]" "It was noisy and crazy in the house." "And my brother Bill was coming down from Spokane again and again." "And Meg was coming from Japan." "And relatives were showing up." "And, of course, Mike had all of his friends around." "And instead of the Tchaikovsky... that I was hoping to play in the afternoons... my mother usually had the Irish Rovers blaring." " [Piano, Cello]" " And the feeling at the house got to be really frenetic." "I think it got to be too much for my orange cat, Gus." "Gus is my most sensitive cat." "And I hadn't seen him at all for a couple of days." "And it was raining outside... and I was really worried about him." "And so I'm standing on the porch yelling, "Gus!" "Gus!" "Gus!"" "And then my neighbor came out on his porch... and he said, "Julia, you know, Gus is over here."" "And I said, "Really?"" "And he said, "Yeah." "Um, do you wanna see him?"" " [Audience Laughing]" " And I said, "Oh, well, I guess so."" "And so, I walked across our front yards... and into his house and down the hallway to the back bedroom." "And sure enough, sitting on his bed was Gus." "And I said, "Hi, Gus." "How are you?"" "And my neighbor said..." ""You know, Gus has been spending a lot of time over here." "[Audience Laughing]" "A lot of time." "And I believe that Gus thinks he lives here now."" "And I said, "Oh."" "And he said, "You know, um, eventually, I went out." "I bought him some food." "I made this little bed for him on the floor." "I can shut him out if you want."" "And I said, "Oh, no." ""You know, if Gus would rather live over here..." "I guess that'd be all right."" "And I said, "Gus, would you rather live over here?"" "And Gus looked up at me as if to say, "I'm sorry, but the answer is yes."" "[Audience Laughing]" "My brotherJim works for the city of West Hollywood." "And he had arranged for me to be honored as Mayor for the Day... on Halloween as Pat." "And I had agreed to do this months before Mike got sick... and months before the movie came out and it was a bomb... and months before I never wanted to be Pat again... as long as I lived... and months before the public had the exact same feeling about me." "[Audience Laughing]" "But I'd agreed." "So there I was in the Pat outfit for the very last time... traipsing down Santa Monica Boulevard... with my brotherJim and Mike who was feeling pretty good then... and wearing his traditional Halloween ensemble: : a priest outfit." "And I had to get up on the stage, and I was so not into it." "It was just my most halfhearted Pat performance." "And I was just standing up there going..." " [Mumbling] - [Audience Laughing]" "And people were walking by, and I know they were just thinking..." ""That can't possibly be the real person who plays Pat... because that would be so pathetic."" "[Audience Laughing]" "And I think my sad display was even too much for Mike... because he left halfway through." "Also because he had a date with his radiation therapist... who was meeting him on the corner of Robertson and Santa Monica." "I tried to go with Mike to all of his radiation appointments." "And we both found it to be very interesting." "I mean, it's very high-tech." "And at UCLA, they even have sound systems in the room... and they encourage patients to bring music to listen to." "And so, while Mike's brain was being radiated... he usually listened to either the Crash Test Dummies... or Bach's unaccompanied cello suites." "Mike, being the one of us Sweeney kids most concerned about his appearance... was naturally distraught when, after the first chemo, he lost all of his hair." "But he was eventually able to develop this look for himself." "And he took to wearing black jeans and a black T-shirt and a black baseball cap." "And I actually gave him this Reservoir Dogs T-shirt... that he began to wear constantly." "And as Mike would come out of the radiation room..." "I'd be waiting for him in the waiting room." "And he always had this oddly amused expression on his face." "And then our eyes would meet, and we'd laugh that little laugh like..." ""How weird is this?"" "When you're around someone who's as sick as Mike, You have a couple of urges." "One is to be really healthy." "I mean, you wanna get up and take your vitamins and exercise... and eat your green leafy vegetables and meditate." "But on the other hand, You have this equal urge to be really unhealthy." "I mean, you wanna eat fried foods, drive in fast cars... and take up dangerous sports." "And this one day, I was feeling really stressed out and really down... and I just needed a release of some sort." "And I decided to do something a little unhealthy and dangerous." "And for me, that meant I was gonna smoke myself a cigarette... and buy the new book by the Pope." "[Audience Laughing]" "Okay, as for the Pope..." "I'm not really a big fan of this Pope, as you could imagine." "But I kind of enjoy disagreeing with him on so many topics." "But it means that I have to really keep up on what he's saying and writing all the time." "And this was the day that the Pope's new book had come out." "As for the cigarette, You know, I really don't smoke." "Only very, very occasionally and when I'm really under pressure." "My parents are militant nonsmokers." "My father smoked two and a half packs of unfiltered Chesterfields a day... until three years ago." "And like most former smokers, he absolutely hates smoking." "And he's always going on about the evils of smoking." "And I always join in his tirades and agree wholeheartedly." "But it means that if I am gonna have a cigarette, I really have to hide it." "Well, as I said, this one day I was feeling really stressed out and down." "And, oh, I just looked awful." "My hair was a disaster." "I didn't have any makeup on, maybe just a little lipstick." "And I was wearing these overalls... which is a really bad fashion choice for me." "And I thought, "I can't stand it anymore." ""I'm gonna get out of here, and I'm gonna smoke myself a cigarette..." " And get the Pope's book." - [Audience Laughing]" "And so, I got into my car and I drove to West Hollywood... and I went to Book Soup, and I walked in, and I thought, "I'll get the book first."" "And I couldn't find the Pope's book anywhere." "And suddenly I felt awkward asking for it." "And I guess I was just hoping... that there would be a big ten-foot cardboard cutout of the Pope, you know." "[Audience Laughing, Applauding]" "And then I did find it... and like somebody buying some pornography..." "I suddenly felt that I should get something for on top of it and underneath it... so that it would say to the clerk..." ""You know, I'm interested in what the Pope has to say, among other things."" "So I started wandering around Book Soup, looking for something else to get... and I found myself in the Self-Help section." "Hmm." "And I was looking up at all the titles." "And there was one book, entitled..." "The Atheist Guide to Getting Through the Day..." "There is a Tomorrow." "And I thought, "Well, that's interesting... that someone would take the time to write that book."" "And then I thought, "I guess the book I'm looking for is..." "What Happens When Your Brother Gets Cancer... and Your Entire Family Moves in with You?" "Where is that book?" "And I was feeling worse and worse." "And at just this moment..." "And I hesitate to report this to you because... well, because it's embarrassing... and also because I'm really not into scatological humor in any way." "But at just this moment, I suddenly let out the loudest fart." "And it was like a foghorn had gone off at Book Soup." "And everyone's heads whipped up... and I didn't know what I should do." "I didn't know if I should, You know, flee the scene... or if I should look around like it wasn't me." "But, of course, I just ended up standing there... like a deer caught frozen in the headlights, you know, with the Pope's book." "[Audience Laughing]" "And I was so humiliated." "And at just this moment, this head came from around the bookcase..." "And this guy said, "Julia?" "Julia Sweeney?"" "And I said, "Yes?"" "I wanted to say, "You recognized my call?"" "[Audience Laughing]" "But I said, "Yes."" "And he said, "Remember me?" "It's Marshall from the Groundling Theater."" "Well, I didn't remember Marshall... but I did what I always do in that situation, which is to overcompensate." "And so I said, "Oh, Marshall, Marshall, Marshall." ""Oh, gosh, it's just so great to see you, Marshall."" "And he said, "Hey, how you doing?" "How you doing?" "So, uh, you still on Saturday Night Live?"" "And I said, "Oh, you know, I'm just really, um, not on that show anymore."" "And he said, "Oh." "So, what are you working on now?"" "And I said, "Oh, you know, just, uh, nothing."" "And he said, "Oh." "Hey, how's Steve?" "You know, I gotta tell you, You and Steve are the cutest couple."" "And I said, "Oh, well, um, Steve's doing really well... but, you know, we got divorced."" "And he said, "Oh?"" "Then I tried to make my escape, and he came up behind me and said, "Hey, how's Mike?"" ""Is he still running the box office at the Groundling Theater?" "That Mike Sweeney is so funny."" "And I said, "Oh, um, actually, Mike's taking a little time off from work right now..." ""because, uh, he has cancer." " Well, nice seeing you, Marshall." - [Audience Laughing]" "And I took my book up and I paid for it." "You can imagine at this point how much I really, really wanted a cigarette." "So I got out of Book Soup and I went to this corner market... and I bought this pack of cigarettes." "And I thought, Okay, there can be no smell of smoke in the car... because I know the next morning, we're all gonna be loading into it... to take Mike to chemo." "So I got into the car, and I started heading east on Sunset... and I rolled down all the windows, and I lit up my cigarette." "And, oh, I was enjoying the cigarette like nobody's ever enjoyed a cigarette." "And I was kind of holding it outside the driver's window, and yet I was smoking it." "And I had tears running down my cheeks." "But I was weirdly happy at the same time." "And I was just so exhilarated to be smoking and driving... and to have gotten away from Marshall." "And I got closer to my home, and I tossed the cigarette out of the car." "I turned onto my block." "I suddenly smelled something burning." "And then I realized that my car was filling up with smoke." "So I pulled into the driveway, and I turned around... and I realized that my cigarette must've flown out the driver's window... and then back in the back passenger window... and it had landed on my back seat and like ignited it." " And there was this little fire going there." " [Audience Laughing]" "So I pulled into the driveway, and I jumped out of the car." "And I opened the back door, and I got the cigarette out of the car and the fire out." "And I walked in the front door, and my mother said, "Oh, thank God, you're back." "I need your car keys." "I have to go to the store."" "And I said, "Oh, ho-ho." ""The most terrible thing just happened." "And she said, "What?"" "And I said, "Well, I was just driving down Sunset Boulevard..." ""and right next to me was this man... this old man in a pickup, and he was smoking."" "And my mother said, "Oh, smoking!"" "And..." "I loved that her reaction was so big." " Like that just might be my whole story." " [Audience Laughing]" " I said, - [Laughing Continues]" ""He was smoking." ""And he tossed his filthy cigarette out of his pickup..." ""and somehow it landed in my back seat... and it burned this big hole there, which I'm sure you'll see."" "And she said, "Oh, my God."" ""That's the most horrible story I've ever heard." "Bob, come out here and hear this horrible story."" "And my dad came out and I told him the story." "And he said, "Now, where is this guy?"" "And I said, "He was right over..." ""on this side of me." ""He was... right on this side of me." ""And my back passenger window happened to be open... and then he was"..." "[Mumbling]" "[Audience Laughing]" "Well, the next day we all were, in fact, loading into the car... to take Mike to chemo." "And as we were, my father looked down to the grass... and he kneeled down, and he said, "Hey, look, it's a cigarette."" "And I said, "That's it." "That's the cigarette the horrible man was smoking."" "And my dad said, "Wow!" "'Cause this cigarette has lipstick on it."" "And I said, "Oh, well, Sunset Boulevard."" "[Audience Laughing]" "Well, as you can imagine, from time to time... things would get pretty tense around the house." "And I think that for my mother... my father's drinking and the constant listening to N.P. R... like sometimes she'd roll over on the Walkman in the night." "And it would just drive her nuts." "It got to be too much." "And one day I came in the front door... and my mother said, "I need to talk to you privately." "Meet me in the hallway."" "So, you know, we move five feet to the hallway." "And my mother said, "I have had it with your father." ""He is driving me crazy, and I am breaking up with him." "But he's not leaving Your house and neither am I."" "And I said, "Oh."" "And she said, "But I will need a new place to sleep... because I am not sleeping in there anymore."" "Well, at that point, I'd pretty much had it." "And I said, "You know what?" "No." ""My policy is that when couples come to stay with me at my house..." ""they must remain a couple for the duration of their visit." "I do not have enough beds for couples to break up while they visit me."" "But sure enough, for the next few nights... my mother insisted on sleeping on the pullout sofa in the living room." "And during one of those nights..." "I got up about 3:30 in the morning to get a drink of water... and I could hear the TV going in the living room." "And my mother called out, "Julie, come in here." "I'm watching this incredible movie."" "So I did go in there... and I saw that she was watching Nicholas Ray's n a Lonely Place... which is one of my favorite film noirs." "And I said, "Oh, Mom, this is a great movie." "In fact, it has a great exchange just about to come up."" "Well, in n a Lonely Place, Humphrey Bogart plays this Hollywood writer... who's suspected of killing a young coat check girl." "And Gloria Grahame plays this neighbor of his... who ends up providing him with an alibi." "Well, when Gloria Grahame is in the police station... the officer says to her, "Why were you keeping an eye out for this Bogart character?"" "And she says, "Because I like his face."" "Well, later, when Bogart has Gloria Grahame alone in his apartment... he looks into the mirror, and he says, "Gee, how could You like a face like this?"" "And then he leans into her, and she pulls back and says..." ""I said I liked it." "I didn't say I wanted to kiss it."" "[Audience Laughing]" "So we watched this scene, and we both really enjoyed it." "And my mother said, "If I were her, I'd stay away from him... because he obviously has a terrible drinking problem."" "And I said, "Well, actually, she might wanna stay away from him... because, you know, he could've killed that coat check girl."" "[Audience Laughing]" "But I loved that, to my mother, the drinking was really the bigger flag." "Well, after a few minutes, my father came out." "And he said, "Hey, I know this movie." "This is a great movie." "And he sat down with us and we all continued to watch it." "And a few minutes later, Mike came out and joined us on the sofa." "And at one point, my mother reached over and took Mike's hand and held it... which is something that Mike would never let her do." "And I flinched, and I almost said, "Mom."" "But I was surprised when Mike just let her." "Well, by the time the movie was over... it was about 5:45 in the morning... and the sun was just starting to come out." "And the L.A. Times was tripping across the front porch and into the door." "And we all decided that it was really too late to try to go back to sleep... that we'd just stay up and make oatmeal and toast... and wait for it to be time to take Mike to radiation." "Well, in the middle of all of this... all of these sleepless nights... doctors' appointments and the noodles with red topping... the most wonderful thing happened." "My good friend David came down from Aspen to visit me... and he brought along his brother Carl, and he introduced us." "And Carl and I immediately hit it off." "Carl went back to Pocatello, Idaho, where he was living... and we started talking on the phone long-distance." "And I figured we were pretty interested in each other." "This was a pretty big deal for me... because Carl was the first guy that I was really, really attracted to... since my divorce two years before." "Carl's enthusiasm is in bow hunting." "And even his job is related to this passion." "And as a virtual vegetarian, at least until my parents arrived... and as a proud volunteering member of PETA... his expertise, naturally, disgusted me." "But at the same time, I found it wildly sexy." "[Audience Laughing]" "Carl and I would talk on the phone late into the night... and we would get into these big ethical arguments all about animal rights." "And then I would hang up the phone and go to sleep... and dream that he was running after me in the woods naked with nothing but a bow and arrow." "Plus, I figure that if you have as dim a view of the future of civilization as I have... and believe it's all gonna come crashing down in some sort of post-apocalyptic nightmare..." "Carl would be a good choice as a mate." "[Audience Laughing]" "Well, Carl and I continued to talk on the phone." "And then in February, he said he'd like to come down for a visit." "Well, this was great." "I finally was gonna get a guy into my cool, girly bachelorette pad." "The only problem was that my parents were gonna be there." "I thought, oh, great." "I'm gonna have all the candles lit in the living room... and finger food on the coffee table... and Carl and I are gonna be snuggled up on the sofa." "And my mother's gonna walk in and say, "Hey, what's on TV tonight?"" "Or how am I gonna get my father to clear off the dining room table... his 5,000-piece puzzle of a map of Sarajevo... that he got for his $50 contribution to N.P. R..." "[Audience Laughing] so that I can pour some wine and look into Carl's eyes... deeper, deeper than ever before." "Well, what I didn't anticipate was that my parents' presence... would provide this hotbed of titillation... the likes of which I never experienced before." "This is why." "My parents, you know, they know I'm not a virgin." "I was married for five years." "But by the same token... they're not gonna condone me starting up a sexual relationship with someone... right under their noses." "On the other hand, I'm an adult, and it is my house." "So it was kind of a tricky situation." "And it basically meant that Carl and I had to sneak around." "I hadn't had to sneak around with a guy for about 16 years." "And I forgot how exciting that is." "[Audience Laughing]" "Carl slept on the pullout sofa out back in the office... and I slept on the sofa in the living room." "And we spent all of this time around the family." "And then at night, I would go out to say "good night" to Carl... for, you know, about an hour." "Then I would come in and sleep on the sofa in the living room... and get up at 6:30 in the morning and have coffee with my dad... and go out to, uh, wake up Carl." "Carl and I found ourselves playing footsie underneath the dining room table." "And my mother was making all of these traditional meals... and saying things to us like, "You two be sure to be home at 6:00." "I'm making meat loaf."" "And I suddenly felt like this Catholic schoolgirl again in a uniform... and I found myself saying things like..." ""Oh, my parents are so weird." "Let's go make out in the garage."" "[Audience Laughing]" "Well, one day Carl and I spent time at Will Rogers State Park." "And we got back to the house, and there was nobody there." "And that was really unusual, because there was always someone at the house." "And we walked in, and I said, "Oh, my God, Carl, we're all alone." "Get in the bedroom." "Take off your clothes." "Now!"" "And Carl said, "Oh, okay." ""But I just noticed that your garbage cans are empty down on the curb." "Do you want me to move them up to the side of the house first?"" "And I said, "No." "We don't know how much time we have." "Get in the bedroom." "Take off your clothes." "Now!"" "So he did, and I did, and we did... and it was wonderful." "And afterwards, we came back out to the living room... and Carl looked out the front window, and he said..." ""Julia, your... your garbage cans, they've been moved up to the side of the house."" "And I said, "Really?" And he said, "Yeah." "Who..." "Who would've done that?"" "And I said, "I don't know." "I don't think..." "I don't think my neighbors would do that." "And look, all of their garbage cans are still empty down on the curb."" "And he said, "You don't think that your parents came back here and heard us..." ""and got embarrassed and decided to leave... but before they left, put the garbage cans up by the side of the house?"" "And I said, "Oh, no, no." "You know, my parents, they're, you know, so naive." "And we weren't very loud, or at least I don't think we were."" "Well, the next day the exact same thing happened." "Carl and I came back to the house late in the afternoon." "There was nobody there." "I said, "Carl, I just wish I knew how much time we had." And Carl said, "Me too."" "And just then, the phone rang." "And I answered it." "It was my father." "And he said, "Hi, Julie." "This is Dad." ""Listen, uh, your mother and I are in Santa Monica..." ""and, uh, we're heading home." ""And we just wanted to call and let you know..." ""that you should expect us in 45 minutes." " [Audience Laughing] - [Inhales]" "[Laughing]" "Well, we were all continuing to help Mike... in all of his different therapies." "And he was doing really well... with the exception of the spinal tap chemos." "Mike had received so many different spinal taps... that scar tissue had built up along his spinal column... and they couldn't access it anymore." "So one day we were at UCLA and Mike was on the examination table." "And my brotherJim was there and myself and my mother... and my father, who was reading a 50,000-word essay in the New Yorker... all about the plague in India, You know, as a diversion." "And the doctor came in." "He said, "Mike, this is what I suggest." ""I think that we should put a shunt into your forehead..." ""which is a plastic opening... so that we can put the chemo directly into the cranial fluid."" "So, you know, this was just awful." "And Mike immediately said..." ""Listen, Doc, if you think You're gonna put a faucet into my forehead..." "You might as well give me a lobotomy at the same time."" "And there was this awkward pause, and then my mother chimed in." "And she said, "Oh, Mike, I don't think it's like a faucet." "I think it's more like, uh... uh, a spigot."" "[Audience Laughing]" "And then I think even the doctor was a little embarrassed." "And he said, "Well, Mike, let me just tell you..." ""that my patients who have the shunts... well, they, uh... they love them."" " [Audience Laughing]" " And Mike said, "Oh, they do, do they?" "Well, then, by all means, give me a shunt." And Mike did get a shunt." "And after that, his refrain became..." ""I love my shunt."" "And whenever the doctor would come into the examination room... he'd say, "How you doing, Mike?"" "And Mike would say, "I'm not doing too well, Doc, but I'll tell you one thing." "I love my shunt."" "[Audience Laughing]" "And to just show you how surreal things were getting... at night, the whole family would watch shows like E.R. and Chicago Hope." "And whenever anyone would come into the emergency room..." "Mike would yell out, "Give them a shunt!" "They need something to love!"" "[Audience Laughing]" "Well, what Mike said that I was going to get out of his illness... was a fabulous doctor husband." "And we were always scoping the hallways for the cutest doctors." "And if a doctor treated Mike, and he wasn't handsome enough or single... we always asked for a second opinion." "[Audience Laughing]" "Well, one day while Mike was getting chemo... just to make conversation with one of the nurses..." "I said, "Do you know a good gynecologist in town?" ""Because I've just moved out from New York... and I need to get started with someone new."" "And she said that she did, and she wrote down his name and number for me." "I put it in my back pocket." "And when I got home, instead of just filing away the number... because it was really months before I needed to make my annual exam..." "I decided to call and make an appointment." "And I went in." "I was examined." "And about a week later, my doctor called me." "And I was in my office." "And he said, "Julia, we've gotten all Your test results back." "And I'm sorry, but you have cancer."" "And I said, "What?"" "And he said, "Yeah, um, You have cervical cancer... and it appears to have spread to your uterus and to your fallopian tubes." "And I recommend that you get a hysterectomy right away." "And I said, "What?" "That's impossible." "You know, uh, my brother has cancer."" "And he said, "Oh, really?" "What kind?"" "And I said, "Lymphoma." And he said, "Well, that's really unrelated."" "And I said, "I know it's unrelated." ""I'm just saying this is just..." "really bad timing." ""This is just like the worst." "I mean, couldn't it wait?" And, obviously, it couldn't." "And so, I hung up the phone." "And I looked out the windows in my office... into the windows at the back of the house." "And I could see my mother in the kitchen, cooking... and my father hovered over the dining room table... and Mike in my bedroom." "And as I crossed the backyard, I actually considered not telling them... but I didn't know how I was gonna hide having a hysterectomy." "And so, I went into the house... and, you know, I told everybody." "And of course they were devastated." "And Mike immediately said..." ""Oh, you just couldn't stand it, could you?" ""It must have been hard for you, being an actress..." " With me in the cancer spotlight all the time." - [Audience Laughing]" "And later, he said, "You know, Jules, you just got a little sympathy cancer."" "And between Mike and me, that was no joke." "We really felt like I did have sympathy cancer." "Well, there I was having to lose my reproductive organs." "And, you know, I never had a child before." "And I guess I always assumed I would someday." "I just hadn't chosen to up until this time." "Now it looked like that was gonna be impossible." "I guess I always thought of my reproductive organs... like this really great, shiny bike that I had in the garage... that I totally was gonna ride someday." "But I'd just never taken the opportunity to ride it yet." "Now someone was stealing my bike." "On the other hand, if you do have to have cancer..." "You actually have an advantage of having cancer of a reproductive organ... because you can simply take it out." "It's not like having cancer of the liver or the lungs... which are organs you need for daily existence." "With a reproductive organ, You can simply remove it... which got me to thinking..." ""What if you got cancer of the fat?"" "[Audience Laughing]" "And then you had to have like this emergency liposuction." "And I mentioned that to my doctor... and he told me that actually some people do get cancer of the fat." "Well, my doctor told me to call the Cedars-Sinai Comprehensive Cancer Center... to make an appointment." "And when I did, the receptionist was a little less than accommodating." "She said, "Oh, yes, I have Your name down here, Miss Weeney."" "[Audience Laughing]" "And I said, "Um, no, that's Sweeney."" "And she said, "Yes, Miss Weeney."" "And I said, "No, that's Sweeney."" "And she said, "That's a weird name." "Weeney."" "And I said, "No, it's not, because it's Sweeney."" "And she said, "Oh, yes, I have you down here." ""Now, I'm very sorry, but I cannot make an appointment for you right now..." ""because it turns out that Your cancer is this very, very, rare type of cervical cancer..." ""and we have sent all of your slides to the UCLA pathology department... where they are studying that type of cancer there."" "And I said, "Oh." "Well, that's interesting."" ""Well, is there some way that we can get those slides back... so, you know, I can make an appointment so I can get rid of this cancer?"" "And she said, "Well, our courier service is taking a very, very long time."" "And, well, she really couldn't predict when the slides could be back." "And I said, "Well, certainly, there must be something that we can do... to expedite this process."" "And after a moment, she said..." ""Well, I suppose if you'd like to pick them up."" "And I thought, I bet she's never asked anyone else to pick up their own slides ever." "But I said, "Well, coincidentally..." ""I will be at the UCLA cancer center tomorrow." "I suppose I could hop over to the pathology building and pick up my slides."" "And without seeming to blink an eye or note the irony in that statement, she agreed." "And the next day I left Mike in the chemo lounge... and I set about to get my slides." "Well, the pathology building at UCLA... is this big eight-story building." "And it's not set up to have any regular person walk into it." "I mean, there's no reception area." "There's no directory of doctors." "There's no nothing like that." "And I found myself walking up and down the hallways... and finally going through these doors marked "Greens Only." "No public admittance."" "And, in fact, everyone was wearing green lab wear and masks." "And the hallways were lined... with what looked to me like big tupperwares filled with lungs." "And I was just trying to get someone to recognize me as an alien." "And finally, this woman did." "And I said, "Yes, my name is Julia Sweeney." "I'm looking for my slides."" "And she said, "Oh." "What research project are you working on?"" "And I said, "No research project." "They are just slides of me." "They're me." "They're me." [Chuckles]" "And she said, "Oh." "Nobody picks up their own slides."" "And I said, "Yeah, that's what I thought."" "And she looked in this computer program... and she said, "Oh, your cancer is being studied by Dr. Yao Fu." "and he's up on the eighth floor."" "Well, I went up to the eighth floor... and I found Dr. Fu's office door." "And I opened it." "It was like something out of a movie set." "I mean, there were books piled high to the ceiling... and the Xerox machine next to a filing cabinet that was overflowing... next to a microscope." "And peering over the microscope was Dr. Fu." "And I said, "Excuse me." "Dr. Fu?" ""Yes, um, my name is Julia Sweeney... and I'm looking for my slides."" "And he said, "Oh, what research project are you working on?"" "And I said, "No, uh, research project." ""You know, they're just slides of me." "They're me." "They're slides of me."" " And he said, "Oh." "Nobody picks up their own slides." - [Audience Laughing]" "And I said, "I know." He said, "Wait a minute." "You mean to tell me that you have this cancer?"" "I said, "Yes."" "And he said, "Wow!" "This is, uh, incredible." ""You know, I have been studying this very rare type of cervical cancer here at UCLA..." ""for the last 20 years." ""You know, I look at these profiles and I study these slides... but I've never actually met someone who had the cancer."" " And I said, "Oh, Dr. Fu, here I am." - [Audience Laughing]" "And he said, "Gosh, um, well, very rare type of cervical cancer." ""Uh, only 50 diagnosed cases that we know of so far in the whole world." "And, uh, well, none of them have died."" "And I said, "Oh, I feel so lucky."" "And he said, "Um, gosh, this is just incredible." "Do you mind if I take you out for a cup of coffee?"" "And I said, "No." So we did go get a cup of coffee." "And while we were there, at one point..." "Dr. Fu took this torn ATT envelope out of his back pocket... and he put it on the table." "And he drew my reproductive organs on it." "And he kind of described to me what was going to be happening." "And at one point, he said, "Are you sad about losing your fertility?"" "Only he said "fertirity."" "[Audience Laughing]" "And I said, "Yeah, I am sad about that... but, you know, I rather live."" "And he said, "Yes, living is better."" "And we walked back to his office." "And on the way, he even squeezed my arm... and told me what a wonderful time he'd had." "And it was really true." "We really had had the most enjoyable afternoon." "And so I figure if I have to be the kind of girl that they ask to pick up her own slides... when they would never ask anyone else to pick up their own slides... and if I have to be the kind of girl that they always forget at Starbucks... then at least I'm the kind of girl who gets to meet people like Dr. Fu." "A few days after this, I decided to go see the late show... of the movie Houseguest." "My good friend, Phil Hartman, was in it." "And he's always so funny, and I was gonna see him the next week." "So I wanted to be able to be sure to say something really nice... about his latest film." "And so I went, and afterwards, I was in a really sour mood... because, well, I had not exactly accomplished my task." "And maybe also because I had cancer and my brother had cancer... and my parents were living with me... maybe that also contributed a little bit to my bad mood." "But I came in the front door, and Mike was lying on the sofa." "And he just didn't look very good." "He had his arms crossed over his chest... and he was looking up at the ceiling, and his jaw was slacking." "And I said, "Mike." "Mike, how you doing?"" "And Mike said, "Hey, Jules." "Actually, I'm feeling pretty good."" "And I said, "Oh, great."" "And I headed towards the kitchen, and my mother intercepted me." "And she said, "Oh, how was Houseguest?" ""I love that Sinbad." "I see him on TV." "He's so funny." ""And your TV isn't working." ""The channels are out of sync with the channels of the cable box." ""And I don't know how to fix it, and I want to, because I have a video I want to watch." ""And I'm making soup in the kitchen, and the soup is boiling over on the stove." "And really your father could handle it, but he can't, because he's been drinking."" " [Audience Laughing] - [Sighs] So I said, "Fine." "I'll go into the kitchen."" "So I went in, and my dad said, "Hey, how was Houseguest?"" "And I said, "It was okay."" "And he said, "That Phil Hartman is hilarious." "And I said, "Yes, he is."" "And then my mother leaned in the doorway and said, "You're out of cat food." "There is no cat food." And I said, "Oh." "Okay."" "And she said, "I would've gotten some cat food for them..." ""but I don't know what kind they like... and you always get mad when I get the wrong thing."" "And I realized at this point that Rita and Frank are underfoot... and they're going, "Meow!" "Meow!" "Meow!"" "And I should tell you at this point... that for me to have my parents in my house... always meant that every audio device available was always on in the house." "The radio's on in the kitchen." "The stereo's on in the dining room." "The TV's on in the living room." "And there's not a lot of space in between those places." "And now the cats are going, "Meow!" "Meow!" "Meow!" "So I said, "Fine." "I'll go to the grocery store."" "So I went to Pavillions." "And, you know, they were having this sale on Friskies, like 3 for 89... so I decided to get a bunch." "And I was standing in line and..." "You know, when you're in the grocery store at midnight on a Friday night... buying $15.00 worth of cat food... as a single woman in her mid-30s... well, that's a special feeling." "[Audience Laughing]" "So, I got the cat food and I went home." "And while I was gone, my father had put dry food into the cat food bowls... but it's the dry food that my cats hate." "So I picked it up to throw it out... and my father grabbed the other side of the bowl, and he said, "Don't throw it out." "We're gonna save it in the Tupperware."" "And I see that he has this little Tupperware bowl behind him." "And I say, "This is the kind they hate." "I was just gonna throw it out."" "He says, "No, we're gonna save it in the Tupperware."" "And I say, "Really, I'm just gonna throw caution to the wind and throw it out."" "And he says, "You shouldn't waste it." "Save it in the Tupperware."" "And I said, "Even if I was gonna save it, I wouldn't save it in the Tupperware."" "Of course the cat food bowl goes flying into the air, and all the cat food goes everywhere... including into the soup that is boiling over on the stove." "And at this very moment, the phone rings, and I grab it." "And it's my sister Meg calling from Japan, and she's upset." "And she says, "Thank God you answered." ""Mom and Dad sent me a letter, demanding that I pay them back the 48 dollars..." ""that I charged onto their Visa bill..." ""for the subscriptions to the National Geographic magazine..." ""that I gave everybody for Christmas." ""And they want me to pay them back before they get their bill." ""So I wrote them a check for a hundred dollars." ""And I am putting a note with it... that says I don't want to have any more dealings with you."" "[Audience Laughing]" "And I was thinking, You already live in Japan." " How much less can you have to do with them?" " [Audience Laughing]" "And I just love that I not only get to be one of the recipients... of the gift of the National Geographic subscription..." "I get to also know about all of the trauma and subterfuge around the paying for it." "Well, then my mother walked in... and she just started talking to me, even though I was on the phone... which is something she does." "And she said..." ""Julie, have you heard of a place called the House of Blues?" ""Everybody's talking..." ""about the House of Blues." ""I love Blues." ""I love Blues and Gospel." "That's because I love Gershwin."" "[Audience Laughing]" "Now... ten years ago if my mother would have said something like that to me..." "I would have pointed out to her that Gospel was not Gershwin... but that they did share the same first letter." "[Audience Laughing]" "But now when my mother says things like that to me, I just go, "Uh-huh."" "[Laughing]" "My parents have these friends, the Pasbys." "And they're really good old friends of theirs." "In fact, Bob Pasby was the best man at their wedding." "And they just love them." "And they live in Palm Springs." "And sometimes my parents would go out there to visit them." "And to give you an idea of Bob Pasby's personality... once when he and his wife came to L.A. to visit us... and we all went out for breakfast at 9:00 in the morning at Canter's... and he ordered a boilermaker..." "[Snickers]" "And he said, "Just trying to level the playing field."" "Well, my parents went out to Palm Springs to visit their friends... and that left Mike and I alone in the house, both of us having cancer." "Well, we immediately started answering the phone, "House of Cancer."" "And we wanted to put a sign out front... that said, "International House of Cancer."" "And if anything wasn't working in the house... or even if a tree was a little droopy out front... we'd say, "Gosh, maybe the tree has cancer."" "And my black cat, Rita... started to inexplicably lose all of the hair on her back and on her sides." "And we started thinking, "Oh, no." "Now Rita has cancer."" "But we took Rita to the vet, and the vet couldn't explain why that was happening." "A couple of weeks before this, Mike had had a port put into his abdomen... so that we could pump nourishment directly into his stomach... because he was having such a hard time digesting food." "And this was working pretty well... but during this time that we were alone together... one night he suddenly started having a reaction to it." "And he started throwing up and throwing up... and it didn't look like there was any end in sight." "And Mike was really reluctant to go to the hospital." "I mean, he would just wait until the very last second to go." "But eventually, at 3:00 in the morning... we both agreed that he just had to go to Emergency." "So we got into the car to make that long, long drive... down Beverly Boulevard to Santa Monica Boulevard... to Wilshire Boulevard to Westwood." "And when you're driving at that time... there is nobody else on the road... and L.A. really becomes the desert that it was always meant to be." "Well, Mike was sitting in the passenger seat... trying not to throw up in the car... and he was wearing his Reservoir Dogs T-shirt... which was worn thin and stained by then." "And I was driving and thinking, "Now I have cancer too."" "And at one point, Mike said, "What did I do to deserve this?"" "And that was really unusual." "Mike just never asked "why."" "And I said, "Mike, no one would deserve this." "No one."" "And Mike said, "Yeah, even Christ only suffered for a day."" "Well, we got to Emergency... and they could see that Mike was really dehydrated." "But all of the veins in his arms were exhausted... so they were trying to get this needle in up over his ear to get a saline solution in." "And he was continuing to throw up, so it was making it very difficult... and I was looking in the doorway at this." "And just to show you what a wonderfully dark sense of humor Mike had... in even the most horrific of circumstances... he turned to me at this point and said..." ""Hey, I guess it's not so funny..." " Now that you have cancer too, huh?" - [Audience Laughing]" "And I looked at Mike like..." ""Yeah, normally, Mike, I'd be laughing my ass off at you right now."" "Well, Mike was hydrated, and he came back home." "And our parents came back, and he got better." "And then he got worse, and then he got better... and then he got worse." "And then he'd get a little bit better, and then he got worse and worse and worse." "And sometimes I'd find my father alone, crying." "And it was around this time that the family made this nonverbal shift in our hopes." "And we stopped praying for Mike to get better... and we started to pray for an end to his suffering." "Then my mother started to talk about Mike possibly dying... and going to heaven." "Heaven." "Oh, that word!" "It reminded me of when I was a junior in high school... and I was taught religion class by Father Fitterer." "And he was a Jesuit... and he introduced the first, existential-like ideas into my head." "And one day in religion class, Father Fitterer said..." ""Perhaps heaven is an instant." ""Perhaps if there was no time after death..." ""heaven is just that light at the end of the tunnel..." ""with that great moment of awareness, and then it's just like that." "Heaven is an instant."" "And while this idea might sound very simple to you and me... at the time for me, it was mind-boggling." "And I could hardly wait to share it with someone, and I wanted to tell my mother." "Well, I got back to the house, and I couldn't find my mother anywhere... and finally I found her in the back bathroom Comet-ing out the tub." "And I said, "Mom, Father Fitterer said that heaven is an instant."" "And she stood up and said, "What?"" "And I said, "Yeah, Father Fitterer said that, you know, if there's no time after death..." ""maybe heaven is just that light at the end of the tunnel and then it's just like that." "Heaven is an instant."" "And my mother, with the Comet in one hand... took the other hand and slapped me across the cheek." "And I could never understand why she would have that reaction." "But maybe you don't walk into the bathroom of a Catholic mother of five... who's Comet-ing out the tub and tell her that heaven is an instant." "[Audience Laughing]" "Well, it was really important for my parents... that Mike receive the last rites." "I was actually opposed to this because I didn't want to send Mike a signal... that we didn't think he was going to make it." "But my parents' wishes prevailed, and one afternoon... when I was spending time with Mike alone in the hospital... and he was actually having a pretty good day... and we were playing this game of Scrabble... in came Father Sullivan in his Roman collar... clearly there to give Mike the last rites." "And Mike, being Mike..." " Immediately asked him for his card." " [Audience Laughing]" " Started quizzing him on his credentials." " [Cello]" "And Father Sullivan said, "Mike, you're just going to have to take it on faith this time."" "And so there, over the Scrabble board..." "Mike received the last rites." "And after Father Sullivan left, Mike turned to me, and he said..." ""You know, Mom and Dad sent him."" "And I said, "Oh, I know." "I'm..." "I'm sorry."" "And Mike said, "No, actually, that was..." "that was kind of cool."" "Well, Mike continued to decline... and eventually his organs started to go one by one." "But he just kept on ticking, and the doctor said he would for a while." "He had the heart and lungs of a 31-year-old male... and he was just going to keep on going a bit." "But eventually, even the doctors couldn't explain... why Mike was still alive." "And eventually, one doctor suggested that... perhaps it was just psychological at this point." "Maybe Mike just wasn't emotionally ready to go." "So they sent this therapist in to talk to Mike... and she sat in a chair next to his hospital bed... and she said, "Mike..." ""I want you to visualize that you're on a trampoline right now." ""And imagine yourself going up and down..." ""and up and down..." ""and really feel yourself going up and down." "And now I want you to imagine just jumping off to the side a little bit."" " [Ceases]" " And, a few hours later, Mike died." "You know, I just hope that, for Mike... finally giving up all control meant that he ultimately gained some." "Well, three days after Mike passed away..." "I was scheduled for my hysterectomy." "And I sincerely wanted my parents to just go back home." "I just figured that we were all so sick... of being around people who were sick." "But they insisted on staying... and I found myself saying the strangest things, like..." ""My friends who've had hysterectomies didn't have to have..." " Their parents there with them." - [Audience Laughing]" ""They got to have their hysterectomies on their own."" "But my parents demanded to stay, and so they did." "And I went into Cedars-Sinai for about five days." "And during one of those days, my father sat in this chair across from my hospital bed... and for 12 hours, he just stared at me." "He didn't read." "He didn't watch TV." "He didn't even listen to the radio." "He just stared at me." " And I was so glad to be on the morphine." " [Audience Laughing]" "After my surgery, the doctor came into the recovery room..." "And he said, "Julia, the operation was a big success." ""We were able to get out all the tumor that we could see." ""We were able to save Your ovaries, which is a very good thing..." ""because your ovaries emit these hormones which you need." ""But we're going to recommend that you get about nine weeks of radiation..." ""and this could adversely affect Your ovaries." ""So we took the opportunity while we were in there..." ""to move your ovaries up about a foot and a half..." ""from their original position, so that they'd be... out of the rays of the radiation."" " So I said, "Okay." - [Audience Laughing]" "And he said, "Don't worry." "Your ovaries can work from wherever they are."" "And I said, "Okay."" "And he said, "Now, the other good thing about keeping your ovaries..." ""is that if you are interested in having a biological child one day, you still can." ""We can go in and extract some eggs, and you can mix them with sperm... and then have a surrogate mother have the child for you."" "So, you know, I was taking all of this in... and I thought, "Oh, great." "Now I have to meet a guy and a girl!"" "[Audience Laughing]" "Then he said, "If you really are interested in having a biological child one day..." ""I should tell you that the radiation could still..." ""adversely affect your ovaries, even in their new position." ""So I would recommend that we go in now." "We could harvest about 12 eggs."" " I was thinking, "Why 12?" "'Cause they're eggs?" - [Audience Laughing]" "And he said, "We can harvest these 12 eggs." ""The only problem is, we don't have the medical technology..." ""to just hold onto these eggs by themselves." ""They have to be fertilized first, and then we can freeze them for up to five years." ""So basically, if we do do this, You have to know... who your sperm donor's going to be... now."" "So I said, "Oh." "Uh, okay." "Uh, hmm." " "Well, I have been dating someone for a couple of months." " [Audience Laughing]" ""I don't know if now is the exact moment to say to Carl..." ""the next time he comes into town..." ""'Hey, before we go to the movie on Friday night..." " "'why not fertilize all my eggs?" " [Audience Laughing]" "You know, in case things work out between us."'" "So I said, "How many different sperm donor people could I have?"" "And he said, "Well, I'm not gonna allow 12 start-up costs."" "And I said, "No, no." "I understand that... but how many sperm donor people could I have?"" "And he said, "I don't know." "Six."" " So I got out my address book, - [Audience Laughing] and I thought, "Okay, what are the criteria?" ""The criteria are, uh... somebody who I know whose number I have,"" "[Audience Laughing]" ""who I think I could possibly fall in love with one day..." ""and not only fall in love with them, I would want to spend many, many years with them." ""And not only spend many years with them, I would want to raise a child with them." ""And not only raise a child with them, it would have to be our biological child." ""And then we would hire some woman to have this child... and now, who fits that description?"" "Well, needless to say, I decided not to do that." "I came home from the hospital, and there my parents were... eager to help me in any way they could." "And I was in a tremendous amount of pain..." "And I tried very hard not to take the prescription painkillers... that my physicians had prescribed for me." "I just figured if I could endure the pain on my own... and if I could do the thing where you visualize the pain... and then encompass it and transcend it..." "I would really enjoy those Percodan a lot more later with a margarita." "[Audience Laughing]" "Now, after you have a hysterectomy, or, really, any abdominal surgery... the name of the game is to have fluids running through your body." "I mean, you have to drink all this liquid, and go to the bathroom all the time... and keep these charts about it, and it's just awful." "And one day, I was in the bathroom, and my mother was... on the other side of the closed door, and she leaned in and said..." "[In High Voice] "Julie, did you go yet?"" "And I said, "Yeah."" " And she said, "Good girl!" - [Audience Laughing]" "And as I was sitting there on the toilet, I thought..." ""You know, I think this is my lowest moment."" "[Audience Laughing]" "Well, I was finally able to persuade my parents... to just go back home." "I was able to do this partially because... my good friend David, the one who'd introduced me to his brother Carl... had decided to come down from Aspen to help see me through the radiation process." "And so my parents packed up their bags and loaded up the car, and..." "You know, my parents, for me, have always been... either a source of comedy or a reason to be in therapy." "And I've always thought of them as kind of wacky and provincial... and I always jumped on the dysfunctional-family bandwagon... but it wasn't until that year... when the shit really hit the fan... that I saw how ultimately functional they really were." "And when I think of the hundreds of images that I now have in my head... of my father filling out Social Security forms late into the night... or of my mother whipping up Jell-O for Mike in the kitchen... or each of them taking one of Mike's arms when he was too weak... to walk to the car by himself." "And I think of how horrible that must have been... to have brought a child into this world... only to have to help him out of it again." "And as the Toyota drove away..." "I realized that my feelings for them had deepened so much." "Well, David moved into the guest room... for the big radiation extravaganza." "And every morning at 8:45, we'd go to Cedars-Sinai... so I could get my radiation." "And, you know, David would wait for me in the waiting room... just like I had done for Mike." "And I'm sure I had an oddly amused expression on my face when I came out... and then our eyes would meet and we'd laugh that little laugh, like..." ""How weird is this?"" "And it was so strange to suddenly be on the other side of this experience... that I just had with Mike." "It almost felt like we were square dancing." "One morning I woke up... and when you have someone pass away... who's as close to you as Mike was to me... it's almost as if the synapses in your brain... don't all get the message all at once." "And especially in that moment of waking... it's like you forget, and then something has to remind you... that they've died." "And one morning I woke up and I walked down the hallway... and my eye caught this glimpse of a picture of Mike... and his best friend, Andy, in Hawaii." "And it was as if I had just heard that Mike had died." "And I wanted to go running down the hallway and bang on David's bedroom door and say..." ""Mike died." "Mike died.!"" "But I didn't do that." "I just burst into tears, and I started crying... and David got up, and he didn't know what to do to try to help me." "Eventually, he decided to try to help me based on his applied theory... of the fire-stop to me." "Basically, a fire-stop is when..." "You know, when a forest fire is burning out of control... sometimes they burn this ring around the outside of it... so that when the fire gets to the dead area... it just naturally comes to a stop." "Well, for David to apply this theory to me... meant that we immediately had to go see The Bridges of Madison County." "[Audience Laughing]" "Well, this was the day that Bridges had opened... and so there David and I were in line... for the first matinee at like 10:00 in the morning..." " Me already crying." " [Audience Laughing]" "And we went in and, sure enough, at just that moment... when the entire audience burst into tears and started crying..." "I stopped crying and didn't cry again for another week." "Well, it turned out that my radiation therapist... happened to be from Spokane." "And not only that, she'd gone to my same high school, Marycliff High School." "But we didn't know each other." "She was a few years ahead." "But we'd both been taught by Sister Antionella." "And so whenever I'd go in for radiation, we would reminisce about her." "And we remembered when Sister Antionella taught us Emerson... and she made us memorize the quote..." ""Give me health and a day... and I will make the pomp of emperors ridiculous."" "Well, I asked her if she knew what had ever happened to Sister Antionella." "And she said she did." "She heard that she'd moved to an Indian reservation in Montana... and she was teaching the children there." "And so every day, as I would lie on the radiation bed..." "I would think about Sister Antionella... and I would wonder how the children were taking her." "One morning, I walked into my radiation doctor's office..." "And he said, "Julia, we have some bad news."" "And I said, "Ohh, bad news," and I sat down." "And he said, "It appears that we've lost... one of your ovaries."" "And I said, "Oh, don't worry." "My oncologist warned me about that." ""He told me that one of my ovaries might die because of the effects of the radiation." "So, you know, I was prepared."" "And he said, "No, no-no-no-no." ""I don't mean that one of your ovaries has died." ""I mean that we've lost one of your ovaries." ""We've been looking at these X rays..." ""and, uh, we see this ovary over here..." " But this ovary over here has gone off somewhere." - [Audience Laughing]" "And he said, "You know, I've seen this before, and it's not unusual..." ""for an ovary, once cut off from its responsibilities..." " To travel." - [Audience Laughing]" "And I said, "Oh." ""I guess I could understand that." "If I were an ovary..." ""and I suddenly didn't have to deal with that fallopian tube anymore..." "I might just want to see some stuff."" "And he said, "Don't worry." "It's going to turn up eventually." " We just have to keep an eye out for it." - [Audience Laughing]" "And I said, "Oh, okay." "Now, um..." " I'm not gonna, like, cough it up, am I?" - [Audience Laughing]" "And he said, "No, that'd be pretty much impossible."" "And so after that, we were always on ovary watch." "Well, my radiation finally came to an end... and my energy was restored, and David moved back to Aspen... and by ovary came floating by a couple of months later." "And, you know, I talk to my parents much more frequently... than I did before this whole ordeal." "And my mother says she finds herself driving out to Holy Cross Cemetery... all the time to visit Mike's grave." "She'll just be running an errand downtown in Spokane... and find herself absent-mindedly driving towards the cemetery." "She's also doing a lot more volunteer work at St Augustin's, which is my parents' parish." "And she's part of this womens' auxiliary group there." "And several months ago, she called me and said..." ""Julie, you know, the ladies' auxiliary has been meeting..." ""and we have all agreed that..." ""You know theJesus that is up on the altar at St. Augustin's?" ""Well, he has such a sad look on his face." ""And he's just kind of hanging there." ""And he's so depressing-looking." ""And we all decided that we'd really like a new Jesus." ""Well, we told this to Monsignor..." ""and Julie, Monsignor chose me to pick the new Jesus!" ""Well, he gave me a catalog..." ""where you order those things from Europe and whatnot." ""And I went through it, and, let me tell you, Julie..." " "oneJesus was just sadder than the next." " [Audience Laughing]" ""And then I got to the last page, and I found myJesus." ""Well, he has long, blond, gorgeous curls..." ""and legs that just go on for days." ""And he's very muscular, and it's almost like..." ""he's bench-pressing that cross up there." "[Audience Laughing]" ""And I showed him to the ladies..." ""and we all agreed that we wouldn't mind looking at him..." " "for an hour every Sunday." " [Audience Laughing]" ""And so we've ordered him, and he's up..." " And I call him my Sports Connection Jesus." - [Audience Laughing]" "Well, as you can imagine, things have slowed down considerably... back at my house." "After my radiation ended, my black cat, Rita... miraculously grew back all of her hair." "And one day, I opened the door, and there was Gus." "And he walked in like he'd been walking in every single day... and he stayed." "And I still get a lot of mail for Mike." "Mike subscribed to a lot of different periodicals... some of which are starting to lapse." "And one of those is to Buzz Magazine." "And in the last few months..." "I've gotten two of those computer-generated notices for Mike..." " One that said, "Hey, Mike, where'd you go?" - [Audience Laughing]" "And the next one said, "Mike Sweeney, where have you been?"" "And I finally, finally have my house all to myself." "And you know?" "I really, really love it." "But sometimes when I'm sitting there I think..." ""Why does it feel so empty?"" "["God Shuffled His Feet"]" "After seven days" "He was quite tired" "So God said" "Let there be a day" "Just for picnics" "With wine and bread" "He gathered up" "Some people He had made" "Created blankets and laid back in the shade" "The people sipped their wine" "And what with God there" "They asked Him questions" "Like do you have to eat" "Or get your hair cut n heaven" "And if your eye got poked out in this life" "Would it be waiting up in heaven with your wife" "God shuffled His feet" "And glanced around" "At them" "The people cleared their throats" "And stared right back" "At Him" "So He said once there was a boy" "Who woke up with blue hair" "To him it was a joy" "Until he ran out" "To warm air" "He thought ofhow his friends would come to see" "And would they laugh, or had he got some strange disease" "God shuffled His feet" "And glanced around" "At them" "People cleared their throats" "And stared right back" "At Him" "[Audience Applauding]" "[Chuckling] Thank you so much, you guys." " Thank you so much." " [Applause Continues]" "Thank you, thank you, thank you." "[Chuckles]" " [Applause Continues]" " Eight, nine, ten, 11, 12..." "Oh, four hours!" "Oh, my God." "Thank you." " Thank you." " [Applause Continues]" "[Chuckling]" "Thank..." "[Laughing]" " I didn't expect this. [Laughing] - [Applause Continues]" "Thank you so much." " [Applause Continues] - [Laughing]" "Ohh!" "You're not going?" "You're going, you're going." "Thank you."