"[Music playing]" "MELISSA:" "Oh, Ryan." "This night was awesome." "I had fun." "It'd be way more awesomer, Melissa," "If you showed me your boobies." "Oh, God, your so romantic." "Titties." "Mmm, I love when you talk dirty." "Boobies." "Mmm." "Breasteseses." "MELISSA:" "Mmm." "Your male obsession with breasts is turning me on." "I'm going to show you my boobs." "Close your eyes." "This is going to be sweet." "[Rustling]" "What was that?" "Aw, kinda cute, aren't ya?" "[Growling]" "Melissa?" "Melissa, where'd you go?" "Goddamn it." "Can I still see some boob?" "Oh, my God." "That is... that is sophomoric." "That is tasteless." "Shit!" "Oh, my God!" "It's eating my brain!" "[Music playing]" "THEME SONG:" "Tonight's the night mass creatures" "Emerge from their dens." "Traveling through dark woods searching for lives to end." "So beware of the glare of the bright silver moon." "They're coming." "They're killer raccoons." "Raccoons, raccoons." "They call them killer raccoons." "Raccoons, raccoons." "They're coming." "They're killer raccoons." "MAN (ON RADIO):" "Looks like it's going" "To be another beautiful day around here" "As summer is certainly just around the corner" "For the people of Independence." "The forecast is calling for sun, sun, and more sun." "Just a smidgen of clouds for the next couple of days." "Our high should be in the upper 80s to the lower 90s." "So from all of us here at WRZN, all talk radio" "All the time, we encourage all of our listeners to get outside" "And please enjoy the beautiful weather." "And don't forget to wear your sunscreen." "Oh!" "Oh, man." "That is... that is sophomoric." "That's tasteless." "Wow." "[Moaning]" "What the bumble?" "[Moaning]" "Holy Hendrix!" "[Phone ringing]" "RICK DANGER:" "I'm telling you, Daddy." "Going sober was the best decision I ever made." "Yep." "No one's going to be laughing at the name Ranger Rick Danger..." "Not this year." "I might even be a hero someday, Dad." "Just like you." "No, I been hanging out in the hot tub all day." "Yeah, the mayor's hot tub." "SHANE:" "Ranger Danger!" "Oh, shit." "Daddy, I gotta go." "I love you, too." "Bye." "What's up, Shane?" "SHANE:" "I sent in the camcorders and also" "Set up the security camera." "Now I'm at the front entrance." "Good, good." "I'm almost done here too." "I also found an unusual amount of rubbish in the woods." "I think the animals are getting into the trash" "And our food and stuff." "RICK DANGER:" "Yep." "Drunk kids will do that." "No, not drunk kids." "Animals." "Ranger Danger, you're such as Silly Billy." "[Phone ringing]" "Shit snakes." "[Phone ringing]" "Daddy?" "Danger." "Mr. Mayor?" "Where the freak have you been?" "I've been calling the station for five hours." "Oops." "Uh..." "Are you in my hot tub?" "No." "Shit, no." "MR. MAYOR:" "Well, you better be ready for this week, Danger," "Because I spent half our budget on security equipment" "To catch kids drinking in your woods." "Oh, yeah." "Absolutely." "I'm putting up the last camera right now." "You need to make some money off these students, Danger." "That's sort of the whole point of all this." "This "booze and lose" program has got to work." "Oh, it... oh, it will, Mr. Mayor." "I'm on it." "MR. MAYOR:" "You're on thin ice, Danger." "People are still ticked about the drinking arrests" "Last year which you didn't execute." "They think the place is falling apart." "What's this new taser for?" "Bullets are bad news now, Danger." "Tasers are in." "Gives kids an electric shock they can't fuck with." "That's enough to kill an armadillo." "Speaking of which, how's your AA going?" "Oh, fine, fine." "Deputy Shane is teaching me how to interact with people better." "Lots of singing and dancing and shit." "MR. MAYOR:" "Good." "I need you to swoon over a member" "Of the Association of African-American" "Academic Advancement tomorrow." "You mean the AAAAA?" "MR. MAYOR:" "Yeah." "Uh, AAAAA." "He... he can get us funding." "We need funding." "Really?" "MR. MAYOR:" "And I would certainly recommend" "Staying off the sauce, Danger." "Remember, if you booze, you will also lose... everything." "Okie dokie?" "Buh-bye." "All right." "Fine, Mr. Mayor." "DR. BILLINGTON:" "Danger!" "Come in!" "This is Dr. Billington." "Shitsnakes." "What is it, doc?" "Danger, I need you to report to the emergency station" "Immediately." "Now!" "Yeah, all right." "I'll be right there." "Time to go to work." "Well, look who's taking forever to do something." "What are you doing?" "Fireworks, baby." "Beer and explosives all in one store." "This town rocks." "We don't have money for fireworks." "We only have money for beer and food." "Dude, you are such a virgin, you know that, Ty?" "Just have sex once." "Honestly." "Have sex once." "It's awesome." "Right." "Which kind do we want?" "Get the regular." "The light tasted bad, not that you would know." "Zach two, Ty zero." "This is gonna suck." "I told you, we don't sell explosives to your kind." "Well, can... can I get a license?" "No way, Osama." "You'd probably go blow up freedom or some shit." "Look, a low-flying aircraft." "In the store?" "La-la-la-la!" "Lousy goddamn Arab." "Ah, hey." "Can I help ya?" "Uh, yeah, I just need beer here." "OK." "Can I see an ID?" "No, actually." "That's OK." "Where you headed?" "Raccoon Creek Campground." "Ah, should be fun." "But you might want to pack some heat." "I hear the little critters will get into trash and food" "Down there." "Here you go." "You guys sell guns here?" "Hell, yeah, we do." "Welcome to Independence." "[Gunshot]" "[Screaming, glass shattering]" "DR. BILLINGTON:" "This morning, two bodies were" "Found up on the North hill." "One is, or was, a girl." "This is all that's left of her... her breasts." "That's sophomoric." "And tasteless." "And the other, he's a boy." "He was found with fecal matter in his mouth." "It was disgusting." "He's gone into shock." "Well, he has a pulse." "RICK DANGER:" "Who discovered him?" "I found him." "Jeff Tuck, I thought I told you I didn't" "Want you hanging around here." "Danger, man, you got a problem on your hands." "It's not even hip." "Bitten breasts, poison feces." "I know their marks." "Most diseased-common common animal in our woods." "[Inaudible]" "The ring-tailed rodent." "The raccoon, man." "The bandit of the night!" "I can't believe you fucked up our fear" "Hookup and our fireworks hookup and our gun hookup." "The city would still sell us guns." "SHANE:" "Welcome to Raccoon Creek." "Boys here to camp?" "Uh, yeah, this guy's first time." "Good." "You know how to start a fire?" "Rub two di... sticks together?" "You should have no trouble with that, dude." "Stop, stop." "You're turning me on." "[Giggling]" "I think this dude's gay." "What happened to your shirt?" "Bear attack." "Purr!" "Raccoons aren't threatening." "They're cute." "Danger, there's more to these raccoons than you think, man." "It's like Watergate." "Are you going to believe that crackhead over there?" "No." "Clearly that kid got drunk and tried to eat shit," "And that girl fell out of a tree." "She was probably drunk, too." "Prepared." "They're sacred killers." "They're working for the spirit mother and their time has come." "RICK DANGER:" "Tuck, do you even have any proof" "Of these raccoon attacks?" "[Stammering]" "Yeah, man." "I got proof." "I got..." "I got proof out in the woods." "But, I left it out there." "SHANE:" "Info!" "Our students are here." "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Woo!" "BOY:" "Goal." "Luke 9:11." "At that time, the kingdom of heaven will be like this." "Once there was a man f" "All right, guys." "It's my big break, so don't screw it up, all right?" "Oh, goddamn it." "This is gonna suck." "[Screaming]" "Goddamn it, dude." "Hey, what a pussy." "You boys gonna eat this?" "It was stuck to your wheel." "That you were saving it." "All righty, you boys enjoy the words." "Maybe the woods is gonna enjoy you." "[Creepy laugh]" "Goodness!" "These backwoods heathens surely could use some Bible-ing." "Hi, I'm Clayton." "This Is my friend, Greg." "Hi." "Jesus saves." "Are you all right?" "Yeah, seriously." "Peace be with you." "Yeah, I'm fine." "[Romantic music]" "Hi, I'm Janine." "I'm Christine." "THEME SONG:" "Hey." "All right, everybody." "Welcome to Raccoon Creek Campground." "We're excited to have you all here this week." "We've taken some special precautions" "To make sure everybody is safe." "I'm your head ranger, Rick Danger." "[Laughing]" "All right, to get things started, we got a band." "You all like bands." "Um, here they are, The Happy Campers." "Ladies and gentlemen of Raccoon Creek, are you ready to rock?" "[Rock music]" "Oh." "Hey!" "Sorry, sorry." "Kick his ass, Rex!" "Yeah, stick it in his ass, man!" "You best be sorry, pussy bitch!" "Don't mess with Rex or his boys." "Hi, are you a pussy bitch?" "No." "No my name's... my name's Ty." "Are you from Thailand?" "Uh, um..." "That was a joke." "Oh, no, no." "This is actually my first time camping." "A little old, aren't you?" "No, actually my dad wasn't really" "Around for much dad-son type of stuff." "So there's actually a lot I haven't done." "Well, there are some things your dad" "Can't be around to teach you for the first time." "ZANE:" "Summer break!" "Woo!" "Let's get wasted." "Woo!" "[Music scratches]" "RICK DANGER:" "All right, nobody move." "[Scoffing]" "It's Ranger..." "Rick Ranger!" "Don't be a stranger in my manger!" "I'm gonna need to see some ID, son." "[Stuttering]" "I left it at home." "I'm gonna need to see some ID." "OK, um..." "[Muttering]" "All right, everybody." "Party's over." "Get out of here." "Well, I'll see you later, Ty." "Yeah, yeah." "See ya... "latron."" "Jeez, man." "That chick totally digs you." "Gotta be a whore." "No way." "She's cool." "[Imitating trumpet]" "[Gasping]" "Danger!" "$2,000?" "That's fucking weak, man." "Save it, high roller." "The young boy I showed to you earlier is missing." "Where'd he go?" "I..." "I don't know." "I don't..." "RICK DANGER:" "Don't you go anywhere." "Hi, Ranger Danger." "TY: "Latron."" "I'm fucking stupid." "Where the hell am I?" "Goddamn it, Ty." "He was here just a minute ago." "I..." "Something's fucked up." "[Growling, yelling]" "DR. BILLINGTON:" "Shoot him, Danger!" "Shoot it!" "[Gunshots]" "I'm gonna pop your cherry!" "[Shrieking]" "Oh, my God!" "Ugh." "Fuck, dude." "You scared me into shit." "I knew you'd get lot." "Well, I'd rather be lost than covered in shit." "Dude, I'm sorry." "That's shitty." "It's all right, man." "I got wet naps in the tent." "Wet naps?" "Out of range." "Oh, my God!" "No, I'm trapped in this cell!" "Ah!" "DR. BILLINGTON:" "What the hell was with that shit?" "RICK DANGER:" "I did what I had to do." "DR. BILLINGTON:" "Danger, I know you may have saved my life," "But we don't know why." "He was probably drunk." "Drunk?" "No, no, no." "We have to get somebody from the research desk." "What if Tuck was right about the... the coons?" "Tuck was not right." "Look, besides, I can't let something" "Like this get out to the mayor." "I'm sure these unusual deaths were a one-time thing" "And they'll all just blow over." "Shit snakes." "Jesus, what the hell happened?" "I don't know, shit breath." "You leave the cooler unlocked, the animals get your food." "He got the whole camp." "Still some shit over there if you want to eat that." "I'm Dick Weener live for Network News." "What was a happy summer break camping trip" "Has now gone terribly wrong, and a college student, Zane," "Affectionately called "The Train" is now" "Dead because of animal attacks." "What's going on?" "Some pussy-ass animal derailed "The Train" last night." "Hey, it's TV's Dick Weener." "Authorities aren't saying much." "Shane, when you were calling experts," "Did you happen to call the media?" "Let's see." "I called the CDC, the ECA, the local church," "Pest control, and the media." "Shit." "Shit snakes, now the word's out!" "DR. BILLINGTON:" "No, no." "Danger!" "I've done some research." "You see?" "There is the bacteria that lives inside the coon's stomach," "And it makes people sick." "What is it?" "What it is?" "What it is... it's called..." "It's called [inaudible]." "Raccoon roundworm." "Spread through a coon's scat, it enters through the mouth." "Burrows in the brain." "Eats away until death." "Right, what... what he said." "My name is Chester D. Charlesworth." "Your deputy, Shane, told me to enter through the back." "I'm with the CDC and a professor at Raccoon University." "That's a real university?" "Is that a real mustache?" "[Phone ringing]" "[Dial tone]" "Hey, guys." "I hate to bother you, but we just" "Heard some disturbing news." "They just brought in a raccoon expert to research the killing." "Raccoons?" "Raccoons?" "You mean raccoons are the fags who killed Zane?" "Let's get the hell out of here." "[Agreeing in unison]" "If some man were to kill that raccoon," "I'd have sex with them." "I think I'd just give them a blowjob." "[Chattering]" "She meant after marriage, right?" "Danger, what has happened?" "Rumor around town is that you have" "Something of a critter problem." "Your deputy Shane said I could enter through the rear." "Howdo, son." "Reverend Pookie." "From Church of God, Independence." "How do you do?" "Ah, shoot, Reverend." "We got a coon problem." "Coons?" "They got diseases?" "Distemper?" "Rabbis?" "Rabies." "Rabies?" "And it could be something more." "Last night, these raccoons ate some poor kid." "This ain't disease." "Raccoons eating boys?" "You know darn well this is the work of Satan." "What we need is an exorcism to get him out." "Led by me, of course." "REX:" "What..." "What the hell do we do?" "When my dad goes hunting, he gets totally ripped!" "Well, let's get wasted!" "[Rock music]" "ALL:" "Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug!" "I'd like to catch one of these bastards" "And examine them before we jump to conclusions." "POOKIE:" "Nonsense." "Danger, just let me get the old book on it." "Well, either way we're going to have to come into contact" "With the coon, but how?" "That's where I come in, fuckers." "You all need a raccoon?" "I can get 'em." "My name is Jon, I'm in PR... pest removal." "Yeah, your deputy told me I could slip on in from behind" "Anytime I want to." "Anyway, I'm here to help." "Well, fine." "Thank you, Mr. Charlesworth, Reverend Pookie, and Mr. Jones" "For coming." "And now, we just got to figure out what kind of raccoon" "We got." "Aw, man." "I'll tell you what it is." "It's the same damn raccoons that's" "Been coming here for 20 years." "They're back." "They're back for revenge!" "Who's this?" "Tuck, I told you to stay out." "And I told you yesterday, man, it's a raccoon." "You wouldn't believe me." "I know my shit, dude." "I know these raccoons better than anyone else" "In these woods." "Yeah." "Tuck here bones animals." "[Laughing]" "[Cheering]" "These raccoons deserve to die!" "REX:" "Yeah!" "Kill the coons!" "ALL:" "Kill the coons!" "Kill the coons!" "Kill the coons!" "Kill the coons!" "Danger, you need my help for this, man." "Look, you old hippy." "What we need from you is not to fuck this up." "We need to find a way to get these raccoons." "ALL:" "Kill the coons!" "Kill the coons!" "Kill the coons!" "Kill the coons!" "Kill the coons!" "Kill the coons!" "Kill the coons!" "Kill the coons!" "The college students." "How in the hell did they find out?" "Oh, I bet it was the darn media." "Liberal mother fuckers." "If only someone could talk to the crowd." "If they could sing or dance or something." "ALL:" "Kill the coons!" "Kill the coons!" "Kill the coons!" "RICK DANGER:" "Shane?" "Shane?" "Shane, are..." "Shane, can you..." "Mmm, fruit." "I love fruit." "ALL:" "Kill the coons!" "Kill the..." "I'll have to do it myself." "ALL:" "Kill the coons!" "Kill the coons!" "Kill the coons!" "Kill the coons!" "Kill the coons!" "Kill the coons!" "Kill the coons!" "Kill the coons!" "Kill the coons!" "Kill the coons!" "Kill the coons!" "Kill the coons!" "Kill the coons!" "Kill the coons!" "Kill the coons!" "Kill the coons!" "My fellow campers." "I hear your cry and I believe in your cause." "We are victim to great evil that lurks" "Unbeknownst to us in the woods and right here among us." "Now, these folks that stand here behind me?" "They support your solutions." "We must rid this camp of raccoons," "And we must do so for Zane!" "[Cheering]" "If these raccoons change the way we camp, they win." "We must fight!" "[Cheering]" "God has given you a gift." "A gift to spread the word of the Lord and destroy evil." "What we have here is a good old fashioned coon hunt for Christ!" "[Cheering]" "Uh, y'all some great mother fuckers." "[Cheering]" "Hey, hey, hold on, man." "You guys... you guys can't rid these coons by hunting them." "There's too damn many of them." "[Shouting]" "Electric shock you can't fuck with." "Don't listen to this fool." "You gotta do what's right." "You gotta pick up your guns and lead" "This fearful fight against the bandits of the night." "(SINGING) Your friend, Zane, got a little insane" "When he tried to hit the sauce." "(SINGING) But if we kill these coons in the name of Zane, then" "His life ain't completely lost." "(SINGING) All we gotta do is kill the coons!" "Kill the coons!" "Gotta, gotta, gotta kill the coons." "Kill the coons until we just can't kill anymore!" "I think I'm gettin' it." "(DEEP SINGING) I'd have it made if I were to get laid," "And now is really my chance." "If I kill these coons and impress Janine," "I'll have some company in my pants." "(SINGING) All he's gotta do is..." "ALL (SINGING):" "Kill the coons!" "Kill the coons!" "Gotta, gotta, gotta kill the coons." "Kill the coons until we just can't kill anymore!" "Night of the bandits of the night" "Of the bandits of the night of the bandits" "Of the night of the bandits!" "The fact is coons are attacking this town." "We must not falter." "We must step it up." "We got to join together in the spirit of Independence." "Together, we must kill the coons." "[Music scratching]" "[Harmonizing]" "ALL (SINGING):" "Kill the coons!" "Kill the coons!" "Gotta, gotta, gotta kill the coons." "Kill the coons until we just can't kill anymore!" "(SINGING SLOWLY) Until we just can't kill anymore." "[Groaning]" "Hey, kid." "Welcome to the show." "Aren't you happy to be here today, Muffy?" "I sure am, Clumpy." "First thing you all got to know about hunting... you" "Got to be aware of your surroundings." "You oughta be alert." "Wait, what?" "Now that is the position where you want to hold your gun." "You must be wary of your gun." "You mean these guns?" "No." "No, those are your arms." "Aren't these things technically arms?" "Yeah." "Yeah, some people do refer to them as arms." " You mean these arms?" " No." "Now, next thing you all got to know about hunting" "Is you gotta be patient." "There's one." "[Crying]" "Jesus Christ, hold your goddamn horses, people." "Don't worry, kid." "Muffy's going to be just fine." "There's another one." "We're gonna call 9-1-1..." "[Gunshot]" "[Shrieking]" "Oh, goddamn!" "We're supposed to be destroying evil here." "My raccoons." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, people." "Can't you see this violence is poisoning our children's minds?" "[Shrieking]" "OK, that's enough target practice for today." "[Farting]" "Dude, did you fart?" "I gotta poop." "Yeah, let's go find a pooper." "It's just as I suspected, gentlemen." "But worse." "This scat from the boy contains the roundworm, all right." "And the bite marks that created the rabies and distemper." "It appears that our raccoons are incredibly diseased." "So what exactly are you saying?" "God, I gotta poop." "Gonna have to poop in the woods, bro." "How do we wipe?" "Wipe with your hand." "CHARLESWORTH:" "Everyone knows someone who's had" "A run-in with an angry raccoon." "There are several things... adaptable, smart," "And susceptible to disease." "[Farting, laughing]" "Oh, man!" "They are sneaky and aren't afraid of human's trash" "And waste." "They seem cuddly and playful at first." "[Purring]" "Hey, come on." "Come on, that tickles." "But if a raccoon is diseased, pray that it doesn't have" "Distemper or aggressive rabies." "For those dexterous claws get on anyone who is vulnerable." "[Screaming]" "Vicious attacks." "And your raccoons in particular..." "I" "Don't know how they got scat in the boy's mouth." "You'd think people wouldn't eat shit." "Dude, you should really try pooping over here." "Real nice." "Some people believe that raccoons" "Are even smarter than people." "So can these, uh, raccoons carry" "Sexually transmitted diseases?" "Sorry." "Ah, I feel about 10 times lighter." "Damn, bro, what'd you eat?" "Jon?" "[Yelling]" "What the hell was that?" "I don't know." "Let's go!" "Dude, quit being gay." "Ah!" "Fag!" "Halt!" "I got tranquilizers." "Oh, no." "I got bullets." "I have..." "I got bullets there." "Uh, uh, I'll be in the ranger station." "What the hell was wrong with him?" "Dude, did he shit in his mouth?" "Those are raccoons, man." "The scat of raccoons." "Raccoon scat makes men go batty if it gets in their mouth." "Dude, you fell in shit last night." "Oh, my God." "It got in my mouth." "Eww, Ty?" "Hold on know, you fell in by the trail?" "Yeah." "Well, that's not where raccoons poop." "That's where I poop." "[Shrieking]" "[Gunshot, shrieking stops]" "Breaking news now from Raccoon Creek" "Campground where the killer raccoon has been shot dead." "Three out of three experts have confirmed" "That the dead varmint is the same that killed" "A college student last night." "We have captured the varmint that was supposedly" "Injuring some campers." "It was a coon... raccoon." "The executor of this masked murderer" "Is a timid college student named Ty Smallwood." "And naturally, everyone affected at the campsite" "Is hailing his name." "I think he's a saint." "Uh, he dropped his gun on the ground" "And shot the thing by accident." "DICK WEENER:" "There was some dissension, however," "From a local liberal hippy, who according to sources" "Lives and defecates in the woods." "There's more!" "There's a whole family of them!" "A whole family!" "There's a whole family of them!" "There's a whole family!" "Stop, stop, stop!" "DICK WEENER:" "But for now, campers" "And authorities both are determined" "To enjoy the happy occasion." "We're holding a big celebration here for Tom today." "Ty." "Right." "Tom." "See all the bloody details and sports tonight" "On Network News at 11:00." "[Chattering]" "There you go." "Yeah." "TY:" "I..." "I promised I wouldn't do that." "I'd like to propose a toast to my best friend." "He's not a winner, he's not a loser." "He's a "Ty."" "Thanks, buddy." "Hey, pussies." "Let's play some cornhole." "Let's get out of here." "What?" "Why?" "I just..." "Sex." "Oh." "Take your time, you two." "Come on!" "Cornhole!" "Didn't two of your best friends just like," "Die in the past two days?" "Yeah, but I'm not a pussy." "Fag." "CHARLESWORTH:" "Danger, stop worrying about those kids." "You deserve a break." "RICK DANGER:" "Still gotta do my job." "Aw, can't what's his face watch him?" "No, Shane's off for the night." "Welcome." "I drink to our success and future endeavors." "Naturally." "Who ever thought raccoons would be so mean" "And dangerous. [Inaudible]." "Come on, Danger." "What are ya?" "A pussy?" "We've done great work here today." "[Imitating trumpet]" "DICK WEENER:" "And we understand the hero is a virgin." "So hopefully after this event, he will get laid." "God is on his side." "Thank goodness the raccoons are no longer a threat..." "Ty, you haven't been rewarded yet for saving the day." "Oh, I don't..." "I don't need a reward." "Just Ty being Ty, you know?" "You have never had sex, have you?" "I think they were going to make s'mores back at the campground." "They said they were going to do it right after" "They sing the kumba... um..." "Who wants a song?" "Yeah." "No!" "(SINGING) Kumbaya, my Lord." "Kumbaya!" "Kumbaya, my Lord." "Kumbaya!" "Kumbaya, my Lord." "Kumbaya..." "Remember, stop only means harder." "ALL (SINGING):" "Kumbaya, my lord." "Kumbaya!" "[Chirping]" "Ah!" "ALL (SINGING):" "Kumbaya, my Lord." "Kumbaya!" "Hello?" "Hello?" "Who's there?" "[Chirping]" "Ah!" "ALL (SINGING):" "Kumbaya." "Oh, Lord, Kumbaya!" "[Growling]" "Ah!" "Stop!" "Stop!" "Stop!" "Ah!" "[Growling]" "Ah!" "I know this reporter first discovered the..." "[Screaming]" "Excuse me." "Would you like to take a picture?" "ALL (SINGING):" "Oh, Lord, Kumbaya." "Say pussy, bitch." "[Humming]" "Holy virgin of pussy." "What's wrong, buddy?" "[Groans]" "[Rock music]" "[Screaming, growling]" "[Screams]" "[Screams]" "[Screaming]" "Help me, cornhole." "[Groaning]" "[Giggling]" "Are you guys hearing anything?" "Don't think so." "Why?" "Shit snakes, they're back!" "TY (VOICEOVER):" "I can't believe I'm finally doing it." "And she's a screamer." "[Chirping]" "Ah!" "Shit snakes, only one more bullet." "Ty." "Oh!" "Zach, man!" "Jesus!" "Ty, man, did you get laid?" "The best summer break ever." "Oh, God." "[Chirping]" "You guys head back to that campsite." "I'm going to go check on the doctor." "[Groans]" "Goddamn." "No!" "No, Doc!" "Not you, too!" "Rick, Rick." "I can't see, Rick." "Rick, they're smart." "They left me alive." "We're gonna get you out of here." "No." "No use." "Your gun." "Help me, Rick." "Shit, don't you say that." "We're going to get you out of here." "Rick, help me." "Help me." "[Gunshot]" "That's the same racoons, all right." "My God, there are more of them out there." "God had nothing to do with this." "Let's head back to the station." "See if we can find some survivors." "Oh, will one of you fellas put out the fire?" "I don't want to lose my job." "[Rustling]" "Ah!" "Aw, sweet [inaudible], man." "[Chirping]" "[Louder chirping]" "Run." "Shit snakes." "Danger, you might got yourself a little bit" "Of a raccoon problem." "RICK DANGER:" "Looks like we're going to need a new base." "I know a place they can't get." "RICK DANGER:" "Well, I was wrong about this." "My God, they got one over here." "JONES:" "Mother fucker." "Them fuckers is armed, too." "RICK DANGER:" "Gentlemen, think I'm gonna cry." "POOKIE:" "Oh, Danger." "Come now." "It's all right." "It's OK." "It's all right." "[Sobbing]" "I..." "I can't watch another man cry." "[Sobbing]" "Neither can I." "[All sobbing]" "[Hippie music]" "ANNOUNCER:" "Ladies and gentlemen, Ty!" "So you fucked any hot dead chicks lately?" "This guy's dead serious." "Let's go down to the morgue and all get laid by dead chicks." "[Crowd groaning]" "Ty, you must be strong." "You must conquer your fear." "I am with you." "I will always be with you." "Ah!" "Janine!" "Where am I?" "Ah!" "An Arab." "Ah." "With a lighter." "Easy, friend." "You're safe here." "Are you holding me hostage?" "He's no bigger threat than the CIA," "You ungrateful corporate copy." "The only thing holding you hostage" "Is a family of angry raccoons." "I have been saying all along." "Friend, my name is Al Jazeera." "You can call me Al." "Who are you?" "Hi." "I..." "I'm Ty." "AL:" "Well, Ty." "Welcome to our fort." "It's built for these very raccoon attacks you survived." "Wha... what do you mean?" "He's got no idea, man." "The whole public's got no idea." "Forgive me." "I should mention that the old man and I" "Sort of knew the events of the last few days" "Were gonna happen." "There were signs leading up to it all along," "But nobody paid attention." "JEFF TUCK:" "The raccoons are waging a battle on mankind." "It is their destiny." "AL:" "He told me about it when I first came to the woods." "I got kicked out of the university for, well," "Let's just say for being different." "Brown skin, beard." "Anyway, Tuck said he'd train me to be" "A warrior for a great fight." "We've more or less declared a jihad on the little bastards." "But unfortunately, coons are winning at this point..." "Viet" "Cong style." "But how is this possible?" "You knew?" "There's been so much death." "My best friend, girl I lost my virginity to." "Both dead." "AL:" "That's a shame." "First time's usually special." "JEFF TUCK:" "Yeah, first time's usually pretty special." "Very cherished memory." "I remember mine." "I remember it too. [Inaudible]." "I want to be a warrior, too." "I mean, I know I just met you guys and everything," "But, uh, I need something to do with my life." "You'll have to tell him the story." "It was always known coons would come back." "It was just a matter of when." "See, back in the Roaring '20s, this land was a raccoon farm." "And raccoon fur coats... 15 coons would make a nice, plush coat." "Well, when the depression came around," "Then facilities rotted and the farm went under." "Raccoons were left in their cages to starve." "Some escaped... escaped to the mystic Indian worshipping" "Grounds." "They escaped to the societies of man." "They caught the diseases." "They knew to come back?" "The Aztecs used to call mother racoons [non-english]," "She who talks with gods." "What do you mean?" "JEFF TUCK:" "These raccoons are like no other animal" "Amongst us, man." "They got no other enemies except us." "And I had a tussle with one of them a few years back." "He took my left ball, and I took him for a hat." "And after I killed him, it inspired this little number." "(SINGING) That old raccoon in the simmon tree." "That possum on the ground." "Possum say to the raccoon, sir, please throw these things down." "Raccoon say to the possum, sir, they smile from down below." "If you want these good simmons, then just" "Climb up where they grow." "[Farting]" "Ho, ho, ho, ho!" "God." "Man." "He do this every night?" "Yeah." "Pretty much." "JEFF TUCK:" "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God." "Did you guys here that fart?" "[Chirping]" "They've surrounded us all right." "Like fucking "Dallas," man." "I've got it!" "I've got it." "Hello, come in." "Hello, can anyone hear me?" "Come in." "Come in." "Is anyone there?" "Hello?" "Mayday!" "Roger." "Mayday, mayday!" "Roger, roger!" "Little bird to big bird." "Hello?" "This is Ranger Rick Danger." "Where are you calling from?" "Who is this?" "I'm calling from Raccoon Creek Campground." "We've escaped to a hideout on the North hill" "And we're completely surrounded by raccoons." "Repeat, our position is surrounded." "How many of you are there?" "There are three of us." "Two in college and one old hippy man." "Tuck." "POOKIE:" "Praise Jesus." "There are survivors." "Looks like we're gonna need a rescue party." "Somebody get their coordinates." "I gotta call the mayor." "This is going to take some super strength." "They're sending a rescue party." "And then what?" "JEFF TUCK:" "Then we convince them to follow us." "Follow us where?" "To the den." "All right, men." "These little bastards have taken a lot of people out." "Now, if we succeed today, it'll be" "The greatest kill of our lives." "Now do it for... do it for Independence," "For America, and for the whole goddamn human race." "We will not be beaten by raccoons!" "Come on!" "Let's go up this hill!" "Come on!" "RICK DANGER:" "Well, well no... well, yeah, but things" "Are looking up, really." "Do you realize what a fucking nightmare I'm in?" "I got reporters, parents, the AAAAA up in my grille." "He wants to talk to you." "Danger, my plane is minutes from here." "Let me drop some anti-disease gas into this area." "I've done it before." "It works wondrously." "Blasphemy." "If the hunt fails, we must turn to the ways of Jesus." "Exorcism should not be ruled out." "Sure." "Fine." "Just talk to the mayor." "MR. MAYOR:" "Hello?" "Yes?" "Hi, Mr. Mayor." "MR. MAYOR:" "Is the scat real?" "It's true, I've seen it." "This stuff is incredibly dangerous." "[Growling]" "[Chirping]" "Goddamn!" "[Chirping]" "[Gunshots]" "Aw, goddamn." "[Giggling]" "[Gunshots]" "[Giggling]" "Fuck this." "I'm getting the plane." "CENSOR:" "Can't you see this violence is destroying" "Our children's minds?" "Sounds like it's going well." "Yeah, all for talking, man." "This ain't doing shit." "We got to get to the den ourselves." "Grab the fireworks." "Uh, why... why do we need to go to the den with fireworks?" "To destroy their secret hole." "Well, no, sir." "Everything's fine." "They're just returning a little bit of fire." "That's all." "Really?" "So they're armed, now?" "Jesus Christ, you are pathetic, Danger." "Now I have to save the whole town and its reputation." "You can evacuate, and you are freaking fired." "[Gunshots]" "Operator, get me Washington." "Well, I did not see that one coming." "All right." "All right, Jonesey." "Gotta outsmart the little fuckers." "Game of wits." "[Growling]" "Let's do it!" "All right." "[Trap collapsing]" "[Groaning]" "Aw, fuck!" "[Giggling]" "[Whimpering]" "[Trap collapsing]" "[Groaning]" "Goddamn!" "[Giggling]" "[Clanking]" "Bring it on, you furry fucks!" "[Giggling]" "Danger, let me get the book on them guys." "These things don't stand a chance against Jesus." "Nothing ever does." "All right, I'm going to go place some fireworks." "You boys meet me in 10 with the fleet." "Don't steal nothing." "Hear me, Lucifer." "Your evil ways are not wanted here." "We will smite you down in the pristine face of the Lord." "Oh, my." "Oh." "Oh, that's quite unpleasant." "[Chirping]" "Are they still coming?" "I don't know." "We must put our faith in the old man." "[Music playing]" "[Airplane soaring]" "[Coughing]" "Where are you, you little bastards." "Danger, Danger." "They're... they're throwing scat at the plane." "I think I can manage..." "[Loud chirping]" "[Inaudible]" "[Chirping, screaming]" "[Radio cuts out]" "The plane killed Tuck!" "I fucking hate planes." "Al Jazeera, don't you lose faith now." "It's not over yet." "And it's over." "Lose faith now, because Raccoon Creek Campground has" "Been taken by killer raccoons." "Al, come on, man." "You're supposed to be the warrior here." "We have no fireworks." "We have no way of getting out of here." "No, but we have..." "[Distinct talking]" "Hey." "Listen." "What?" "How... how did you get here?" "What... what happened to all the raccoons?" "Well, I heard over the radio that the raccoons were taking" "Over the camp and I was like, hey, when my mom wanted" "To get raccoons out of the garden," "She just turned on talk radio and they scattered." "They hate it!" "So, I started running here as fast as I could," "And I looked over there and I saw the flare" "And I looked there and I saw a torch." "But I got tired, so I took a seat here." "You said you saw a flare?" "Yeah, just right over there." "Tuck!" "Ow!" "Come on, Shane." "Bring your talk radio." "Fuck, yeah." "I'm ready." "RICK DANGER (VOICEOVER):" "I might even be a hero someday, Dad." "Just like you." "Hi, I'm Dick Weener." "Network News now has this shocking footage." "According to sources, the death toll is astronomical." "And coming up, another astronomical story as a puppy" "Learned how to be an astronaut." "That, and the mayor." "[Indistinct talking on radio]" "AL:" "Tuck!" "Tuck, are you OK?" "Peace." "Peace, love." "Hendrix." "Hendrix!" "Hendrix!" "I got my ball back." "TY:" "Uh, Tuck, that's a nut." "Yeah." "Did you bring a flame?" "Hey." "No revolutionaries win the battle... win the battle." "Let's roll." "[Rattling, growling]" "[Groaning]" "Electric shock you can't fuck with." "Jones!" "Pookie!" "Billington!" "Charlesworth!" "Shit snakes!" "Shit snakes!" "Shit snakes!" "Shit snakes!" "Shit snakes!" "Shit snakes!" "[Stabbing, yelling]" "DICK WEENER:" "So, Mr. Mayor, you're telling me you have" "A plan to save Independence?" "Yes." "Yes, I do." "Amazing and heroic." "And during this time, were people blaming you?" "Were people mayor-hating?" "Yes, people were hating on a mayor." "Mayor what?" "Mayor, please." "Hey, what about that puppy?" "MAN (ON RADIO):" "Carpet... what is this American obsession" "With carpet?" "I just don't get it, and I really don't care for it." "I think it's a scam run by carpet salespeople" "All over the country." "Hey, they sold you a boatload of goods." "If God intended for your floor to have carpeting," "He would have made wood with hair." "But he didn't..." "Over there." "[Drumming]" "Let's blow it up." "[Indistinct chatter on radio]" "All right, give me the lighter." "Shit." "Where do you want to put it?" "[Radio breaking up]" "Oh, boys, we're losing power." "Blast." "Shit." "Come on, come on, come on." "[Inaudible] hurry!" "We're gonna have to fight." "How are we supposed to kill these things?" "AL:" "In any way possible." "Ah!" "[High-pitched screaming]" "[Chirping]" "Guys, I feel like Rambo." "Over there." "I see a way out." "Come on." "[Chirping]" "Some warrior I turned out to be." "JEFF TUCK:" "I'd take you over Charlie any day." "Tuck!" "What are you doing here?" "Run, you fools." "Save yourself, man." "Tuck, no!" "JEFF TUCK:" "Save yourselves!" "Tuck, no!" "You hateful sons of bitches." "This time, you've met your match." "[Inaudible]" "[Music playing]" "[Fireworks exploding]" "Hey, look." "I had my lighter in my shoe all along." "[Growling, chirping]" "Yeah." "Yeah!" "[Cheering]" "Did I just hit something?" "Probably one of those singing white people." "[Cheering]" "Raccoons are finally dead." "Their mystic ways are finally over!" "I don't even know what either of you two are talking about." "Whatever." "[Laughing]" "STRANGE MAN:" "Hey!" "You boys gonna eat this?" "[Creepy laughter]" "[Indistinct police radio]" "What the hell?" "Son, it, uh, says here that you're black." "AAAAA MEMBER:" "Yeah?" "Mind if you step out of the car for me, buddy?" "What you got in there, buddy?" "A little cellphone?" "Call your, uh, your... your brothers or to call your wife?" "You boys the, uh, stranded party from the woods?" "Yes, sir, we are." "We blew up the raccoons' den." "They won't come back." "You say you blew it up?" "Yes." "MR. MAYOR:" "And what did you say your name was?" "Al." "Al Jazeera." "Oh, OK." "Neat." "[Screaming]" "And, uh, Shane, you were a part of this?" "Um... um, yeah." "Yeah, I was." "I got you a Happy Camper CD and some tickets" "For their free concert this weekend." "You're going to love it." "And if we could just be quiet about what" "Happened this weekend, OK?" "Yeah." "Yeah, OK." "I don't understand." "Ty, I'm afraid I just can't let you destroy the raccoons." "You see, I just signed a big contract with the Pentagon." "Scat is a phenomenal biological weapon." "Independence is back on its feet and I'm going to make millions." "DICK WEENER:" "All right, I want Chicago, I want New York," "I want Miami." "Hey, uh, we've got an underage kid drinking here again, guys." "Let's move in." "DICK WEENER:" "Anybody and everybody" "Gives a shit about Raccoon Creek to hear about the story." "All right, take off the lens cap." "Take off the lens cap." "Dick Weener live on the scene for Network News," "Where it appears that the siege at Raccoon Creek Campground" "Is over." "No!" "No!" "It's the raccoons!" "It's the government!" "It's gone straight to the top!" "Mr. Mayor, what are these incidents all about?" "Dick, I just think it's nothing more" "Than the usual bunch of college kids drinking in the woods." "And there you have it." "Once again, the youth of America play games with alcohol" "And Independence loses." "How was that?" "Was that pretty good?" " Looks good, Mr. Weener." " Great." "Let's get the fuck out of here." "This place gives me the creeps." "[Music playing]" "[Giggling]" "THEME SONG:" "They love the taste of leftovers." "But flesh will suit them well." "Their shriek will pierce the night" "Before they send you to hell." "They'll take a bite at midnight or they'll eat you up at noon." "They're hungry." "They're killer raccoons." "Raccoons, raccoons." "They call them killer raccoons." "Raccoons, raccoons." "They're hungry." "They're killer raccoons." "If their fangs don't get you, their scat most surely will." "The beast that lives within it drives to the brain to kill." "For if your hit with their shit, you're sure to die soon." "They're lethal." "They're killer raccoons." "Raccoons, raccoons." "They call them killer raccoons." "Raccoons, raccoons." "They're lethal." "They're killer raccoons." "So, America, get ready for this fearful fight." "Your lives will change forever due to bandits in the night." "Their forays in May will only frequent in June." "They're everywhere, they're killer raccoons." "Raccoons, raccoons." "They call them killer raccoons." "Raccoons, raccoons." "They're everywhere." "They're killer raccoons." "They're everywhere." "They're killer raccoons." "They're everywhere." "They're killer raccoons." "They're everywhere." "They're killer raccoons." "[Rock music]" "RICK DANGER (SINGING):" "Your friend, Zane," "Got a little insane when he tried to hit the sauce." "REX (SINGING):" "But if we kill these coons" "In the name of Zane, then his life ain't completely lost." "RICK DANGER (SINGING):" "All we gotta do is kill the coons!" "Kill the coons!" "Gotta, gotta, gotta kill the coons." "Kill the coons until we just can't kill anymore." "TY (SINGING):" "I have it made if I were to get laid," "And now is really my chance." "If I kill these coons and impress Janine," "I'll have some company in my pants." "ALL (SINGING):" "All he's gotta do is kill the coons!" "Kill the coons!" "Gotta, gotta, gotta kill the coons." "Kill the coons until we just can't kill anymore." "Night of the bandits of the night of the bandits" "Of the night of the bandits of the bandits of the night" "Of the bandits." "MAN (ON RADIO):" "And, as usual, you" "Are listening to the one and only WRZN right" "Here in Independence." "All talk radio, all the time." "And all of us here at the radio stations" "Encourage you to tell your friends to listen in." "Oh, hi, there." "Looks like some little cuddly forest creatures" "Wandered into our studio." "Hey, my little masked friend." "You're kind of cute." "Hey, how about a little bite of my sandwich?" "Yeah?" "Oh, hey!" "I..." "I said sandwich, not handwich!" "[Screaming]" "[Chirping]"