""Dear Cast Offs, welcome to your island."" "My name is April, and I'm the monkey who..." "The monkey who..." "Face no evil!" "'Wheelchair boy and the dwarf?" "'" "Gives all hope!" "I can't do this." "I'm too disabled for you?" "!" "Fuck you, anyway!" "I can't find Will anywhere." "(SHOUTS) Will!" "(SHOUTS) Will!" "Are you OK?" "HE-E-E-ELP!" "(SCREAMS)" "Have you thought of a name for her yet?" "What?" "A name." "(BABY GURGLES)" "Sorry..." "Is it all right if I...?" "No, go ahead." "(COUGHS)" "(SNORTS AND SPITS)" "Sorry." "I've got a bit of asthma." "I just get a bit phlegmy." "Special day?" "Special day?" "No." "You know that bit where Jesus spent 30 days in the desert?" "Er...you're not the Messiah, Will." "I feel like..." "I dunno..." "I've done my journey, had my big thoughts, now I want to go home and start being a better man." "Or some wanky wank, wank." "It's all a bit scary." "I'm just living each day as it comes." "You know, I envy you sometimes." "Do you?" "Well, you never let anyone get to you, do you?" "Why does it sound as if you're not actually saying that as a compliment?" "I don't know." "Sometimes I feel you're not... entirely honest with yourself." "Right." "April is a liar." "This is where we work." "We're only a small operation." "Brian likes to fill our time equally between drudge and excitement." "Excitement is making up new buffer solutions for the PH meter." "It's not that exciting." "I'm labelling test tubes at the moment for one of our sponsors." "This is drudge." "Drudge is definitely not exciting." "I'm sure that's right." "What's right?" "What's right?" "Hello, stranger." "Hello, stranger still." "This is Kevin." "He's a bit..." "He's a bit..." "I am." "But only a bit." "Have you told them about our Facebook group yet?" "I cannot believe that I've resisted that urge." "It was my idea..." "Don't talk to camera - they don't like it." "Don't talk to camera - they don't like it." "They'll like it when I do it." "This is my best side." "This is my less best side." "Are you going on this show or am I?" "Only cos it's prejudiced against non-disab..." "leds!" "I'm going to start a campaign." "Or disable myself." "What's the nicest way to disable yourself?" "Does a missing finger count?" "Or toe?" "How should I know?" "I could cope with a missing toe if it got me on TV." "Tell them about your lobster." "Playtime's over." "Work time." "Oh, I have missed you." "I am the worst scientist in the world!" "April corrects all my mistakes." "I do." "I really do." "The thing is, we're only going to be here for like, another two weeks." "I want the opportunity to celebrate her." "How's this, Will?" "Keep your head up." "It's about alignment, remember." "taking a big shit, mate." "One voice at a time, please." "OK, now move into stroking sparrow pose." "She's always in the background." "Just for once she should be centre-stage." "OK, position three." "Stroking sparrow." "you need a shit!" "Doughnut?" "They're cinnamon, which I always thought is quite a...daring flavour." "No thanks, Brian." "April..." "As CS Lewis said..." "Brian, are you firing me?" "Brian, are you firing me?" "No." "Because I didn't take longer off than we agreed?" "I mean, I'm back the day we agreed..." "I mean, I'm back the day we agreed..." "I'm not." "I'm not firing you." "Then why are you...?" "I mean, what's with the cue cards?" "They were just..." "I didn't want to muck it up." "Muck what up?" "Welcoming you." "You're kind of spoiling it." "You're kind of spoiling it." "Sorry, I..." "Look, as CS Lewis said..." "No..." "Now that..." "Now that..." "Andrew?" "I know his name." "I want you to feel free to talk to me about...anything." "Great." "Are you OK?" "Are you OK?" "I'm fine." "Great." "That's great." "The cue cards were probably a little impersonal, I suppose." "Probably." "She said she'd given birth to a genius." "I can't believe you just used the phone." "Just like that." "Are you kidding?" "Now I know how to use it, in the past couple of weeks" "I've called Australia twice, spoken to an ex in France and, well, Gabriella via the mysterious Del." "So, genius, huh?" "The baby is already walking and talking and playing the piano?" "No, but it has learned to puke on both the sofa and the rug." "Sometimes simultaneously." "Incredible." "I actually miss her, you know." "Yeah, so do I." "Now I thinkI'mgoing to puke." "(MAN) Nobody's in, mate." "No, no, I've rung flat two." "Yeah." "All right, mate, I'm just going to go." "Yeah, I'm going to leave a note." "All right, mate." "Hi." "April Ridgley." "April Ridgley..." "Yeah, could you... ..erm, check your goods and sign there for me, please?" "All right." "It's alive." "That's right." "But I wanted to eat it." "Then you'll have to kill it." "But I don't want to kill it." "I wanted to eat it." "Do you want me to kill it for you?" "Do you want me to kill it for you?" "No, no." "I could give it a go." "Not that I've ever killed a lobster before." "No." "Thanks, though." "Pan of boiling water." "That'll do the trick." "You OK, April?" "I'm fine, Flo." "Thanks." "A lot of people have been checking in on me since Andrew..." "Everyone thinks I'm going to be somehow falling apart." "But I'm fine." "Totally fine." "I think she might be pregnant." "Shit!" "You scared me!" "Sorry." "Sorry." "Who's pregnant?" "Carrie." "Carrie?" "Carrie the pig." "One of the pigs is called Carrie?" "Only by me." "I was trying to encourage them." "That one's called Dan." "Don't tell Dan." "You call the pigs Carrie and Dan?" "But it's a secret." "All right?" "(LAUGHS)" "OK." "Will wants to celebrate her." "Will wants to celebrate April?" "It is her birthday." "This is April, you know, always fading into the background, never needing any attention, unlike some people." "Will wants to celebrate April, because April never celebrates herself." "Exactly." "And he wants to do it in a dark and twisted way, because..." "That's Will." "This is nice, us talking." "Yeah." "I'm a fan of the whole talking genre." "Thank you." "Do you...?" "Twigs are... (THEY LAUGH)" "You first." "You first." "You first." "You first." "You first." "I insist." "I was just gonna ask, do you need any washing done?" "No, thanks." "What were you gonna say?" "Pigs are looking well." "Yeah." "They are." "Ow!" "Ow!" "Sorry." "You stopped." "I was thinking" " I'm allowed to think." "Look, I'm sorry if I've been a bit distant." "You just ploughed into me." "That's hardly being distant." "Maybe it's more..." "I feel like you're being distant." "I've been distant?" "!" "Yeah." "Or..." "I don't know." "Better drop them off." "Better drop them off." "Yeah." "Hi-de-hi?" "Kevin?" "Your door was open." "I think you've been burgled." "Either that or you're filthy dirty." "Yeah." "I'm late for work." "No need to apologise." "I'm far filthier and dirtier... in every way." "Lobster's still alive, then." "Are we playing with it before we kill it?" "Miss April - nasty!" "We're both late." "I want to prod it." "Can I prod it?" "Have you explained about our Facebook group yet?" "Have you explained about our Facebook group yet?" "Come on." "We're leaving." "It's called Brave Thing A Week." "Not a great title." "April's title." "But I wanted her to feel included." "I'm very pro-disability." "It's all about inclusivity." "Kevin." "Now!" "I like your coat." "Did you dress for the camera?" "What about me?" "Do I look all right?" "Do I look all right?" "April?" "Do I look all right in purple, though?" "I'm not sure about purple." "Each and every week, you have to do something you've never done before." "We now have 88 members." "We'll have more when you air of course." "Publick-ity." "The secret of it is, one brave thing that you actually do..." "There's a quote on the site, someone else put it up " ""If you can't follow through, then it's not something you do."" "So this week, Miss is doing lobster cooking, and I'm doing... speed dating!" "Applying to your island was one of her brave things, by the way." "But that was months ago." "You're quiet." "You could have rung the doorbell." "I've been in your flat loads of times." "Yeah, and rung the doorbell loads of times." "You know me, I'm a social rapist." "Kevin!" "Put the kettle away." "It was just a bit of filth " "I've seen far worse." "Grumpy." "Ooh, are there going to be dwarves on this island?" "You could play Snow White!" "Don't be mad." "They prefer to be called little people, the dwarves." "Little people?" "They prefer "little people" to "dwarf"?" "God!" "Sack the marketing manager!" "If you're not gonna kill the lobster, you're gonna have to come spe-e-e-d dating with me." "you're gonna have to come spe-e-e-d dating with me." "Me?" "Speed dating?" "I'd rather streak the town centre." "I already did that." "One of my first weeks, that." "It didn't count as bravery, though" " I enjoyed it too much." "I love this platform shaker." "What's the maximum it goes to?" "Have you seen it?" "Huh?" "Sorry?" "Dance with me, dance with me." "Kevin, I've got too much work to do." "I thought she looked like a Priscilla." "I doubt Gabby would go for that." "Why?" "A name that could be shortened to Prissy?" "You know she was called Gobby in school?" "(LAUGHS)" "Carrie?" "Carrie?" "OK, so the centrifuge precipitates the liquid medium surrounding the plates, at 120 degrees." "The most common liquid form being foetal cough serum." "Bit too much heat, Kevin." "Hot hands, hot body, hot mind." "April?" "Can we talk?" "April?" "Can we talk?" "Sure." "Do you mind?" "I hate to be all bossy or boss-like or boss-eyed over this, but Barcom are one of our chief sponsoroos." "And now, with the credit crunch and everything, correct labelling on tubes we send them is beyond crucial, approaching essential, you understand what I'm saying?" "Why are you assuming it's me?" "Why are you assuming it's me?" "What?" "Why are you assuming it's my mistake?" "Um, well, because... it was a job I told you to do." "It was Kevin that labelled them." "He stickered them." "It was his mistake." "Ah." "Kevin..." "Was it?" "Right." "So, first of all, you're going to talk to me like a child..." "Right." "So, first of all, you're going to talk to me like a child..." "No." "Now you're accusing me of lying?" "Now you're accusing me of lying?" "No." "Not lying." "Because I know how to do my job!" "Because I know how to do my job!" "Look." "My mistake, I'm sorry." "My mistake." "My mistake." "OK." "Hello!" "Carrie?" "Guys?" "I'm on the group page, and we've got a new member, which is brilliant." "MICROWAVE PINGS" "It's Kevin's way of getting me out into the real world, which sounds as if..." "Andrew always thought I was a bit scared of real life." "He was probably right." "There were a few who tried to... bonk me...at school." "Fellow library monitors, that sort of thing." "They'd say I was beautiful, and then try and put their hands down my knickers." "But Andrew..." "He didn't say I was beautiful." "He said I was fabulous." ""You are fabulous."" ""You are fabulous."" ""You are fa..."" "Oh, fuck it." "Hi!" "Is that Helen Evans?" "Yeah, I saw the poster advertising..." "Yes, that's right." "Yeah, I'm very interested." "Hello." "Hello!" "Well, um, aren't you a challenge?" "I did say on the phone." "You're fabulous." "Reach For The Stars pose today." "Everyone." "Our guest today is April." "GASPING" "April, um, that's beautiful, thank you." "Er, I probably should say that models for this class don't usually, um... that models for this class don't usually, um..." "Oh, I'm sorry." "I'm so sorry." "I'm so sorry." "It's absolutely fine." "Tom?" "This isn't funny." "Where are you?" "Carrie?" "DOOR OPENS" "Brian..." "Can't stop." "Late for a hoo-haa with a hoo-hoo." "Been on my own all morning." "No you, no Kevin." "Peace, quiet, tranquillity." "I envy you." "Bingo!" "(SIGHS SOFTLY)" "Oh, shit." "Oh, no." "DIALLING TONE ON PHONE" "Kevin, it's April." "Answer your fucking phone, please!" "(MAN) Hello, welcome back." "Hi." "Hi, how are you?" "Good to see you.Hello there." "Welcome to..." "Singles Who Science Speed Dating." "What's your name, please?" "What's your name, please?" "Er, April." "April Ridgley, um, but I'm not booked in." "I'm just looking for someone." "Kevin." "Kevin Pritchard." "Kevin Pritchard." "Yes, April." "This is a form, and as you can see, on this form, you'll rate your dates... on this form, you'll rate your dates..." "No, I'm just trying to find my friend." "And they'll rate you, and if both of you rate each other, that's what we call, in Singles Who Science, a "chemistry" moment." "Good luck." "Good luck." "No, I'm..." "Good luck." "No, I'm..." "Yes, you're holding up the queue." "INDISTINCT CHATTER" "Would you like to take a seat now?" "Would you like to take a seat now?" "I'm only looking for someone." "We're all looking for someone, aren't we?" "BELL RINGS" "Great(!" ")" "Great(!" ") BELL RINGS" "Hello." "Hello." "Kevin, I'm in hell and you're not here." "Kevin, I'm in hell and you're not here." "BELL RINGS" "Your face is very strange." "I know." "April." "Will!" "Will!" "April." "Where is everyone?" "Where is everyone?" "Yeah.I've got some bad news." "Good." "You're not an average-looking lady." "But I like that." "You're not an average-looking lady." "But I like that." "Good." "You see, given the choice, Diana Spencer and Camilla Parker Bowles..." "Camilla every time." "Why?" "Short answer." "Bedtime." "she'd make much effort." "Camilla, on the other hand..." "No." "I totally understand where Charles is coming from." "I liked Princess Diana." "They've taken him to hospital." "Oh, God." "Oh, God." "Carrie and Tom went with him." "Apparently they think he's drunk some contaminated water or ate something that was cooked in unpurified water." "Did I cook for Dan this morning?" "I think I cooked for..." "Did I cook for Dan this morning?" "I think I cooked for..." "April, don't let this be about fault or blame." "I don't know if I put tablets into the water." "We'll just have to cope the best we can." "They're coming for us in a couple of hours." "The show's over, Ape." "I don't care." "I poisoned Dan." "(LAUGHS)" "I knew you'd be brilliant." "Here?" "Come on, Camilla." "Sit on the prince." "Careful!" "What?" "What?" "Those chemicals you so majestically swept off the table..." "Yeah, might give you a bit of a rash." "There's good." "Princess Camilla." "Hey!" "What are you doing?" "(THEY KISS)" "Who are you?" "Brian." "Security called me." "They said there's been a..." "Never mind." "I'll leave you to it." "Brian?" "Brian, I couldn't take him back to my place, could I?" "Brian!" "I went speed dating this evening." "That's brave." "Bravest thing I've ever done." "Brian!" "Boss?" "Boss." "Least he's not your husband." "What?" "I had this on all night?" "I noticed." "Didn't stop me." "Didn't stop you either, though, did it?" "Come on." "Didn't stop you either, though, did it?" "Come on." "Yeah..." "So, where were we?" "Leaving?" "He goes home with a Camilla and he still don't pull." "You should probably pack your bags now." "(ALL) Surprise!" "What?" "Surprise!" "It's your birthday!" "No, it isn't." "No, it's definitely your birthday." "No, it isn't." "It really isn't." "So none of you are sick?" "Well, it was a ruse..." "So none of you are sick, then?" "No." "Right." "You look pissed off, Ape." "Tom's baked you a mud cake, if that's..." "It's not my birthday." "And I don't know who started this calling me Ape business, but I'm not a monkey and I don't like it." "Just so you know." "April!" "Would I be right in thinking it's all gone to shit?" "(WILL) For fuck's sake, April!" "April?" "I can run faster than you, actually." "I'm a trained athlete.I just..." "I think it'll be more positive if you wait for me." "April?" "Do we wait?" "Do we go?" "Do we doh-si-doh?" "I've no idea." "No." "You really don't, do you?" "What's that supposed to mean?" "It means what it means." "I knew this party was a bad idea." "Did you?" "Did you now?" "Did you?" "Did you now?" "Yeah." "I did." "Just pretend like I'm not here." "Carrie?" "Don't follow me!" "Like I'm not here at all." "Look, if you're fucked off, say something." "You've got a voice, use it!" "What?" "You're...ashamed?" "You don't want to grow old?" "You're angry at me..." "Shut up, Will." "Look, I know it's your birthday." "I heard the producers talking about it." "What?" ""April's birthday thing," they said." "I heard when I was going past." "And then earlier this morning you had that candle." "Birthday "thing"." "Not my birthday." "Andrew's birthday." "Oh." "That's a bit embarrassing." "There's no reason to be upset." "I mean, if you're missing him, call him on the satellite phone." "Carrie uses it all the time!" "I can't." "He's dead." "Why didn't you tell us?" "Because I'm fed up of being April the victim." "Been one all my life." "So have we all, right?" "I don't see myself as a victim, no." "But here on this island... ..I'm not April with the big face." "I'm..." "OK." "If I'd said, if I'd told you all that my husband had just died, immediately I'd have had pity." "And I don't want pity." "Never have." "I hate pity." "Yeah." "I know the feeling." "Do you want to talk about him?" "No." "Not really." "OK." "I love it here, Will." "I love this island." "Yes, so do I." "But why...why do you still wear your wedding ring?" "You could have told us you were single, and no-one would have been any the wiser." "Because there's some things I'm ready for and some things I'm not." "KNOCKING ON DOOR" "Ta-da!" "Hi." "Come through." "Oh, God." "And I wore my overalls especially." "Wow." "You arrived together." "Sort of." "I arrived while he was pacing around outside trying to pluck up the courage to ring the bell." "I was a bit early." "I'm always early." "Don't like it." "April likes early." "Her husband's late, remember?" "Boom-boom." "You're on good form." "What are we doing here, April?" "Actually, getting you your job back." "I mislabelled the samples, Brian." "I lied about it." "I don't even know why." "It was my fault." "I should be the one that gets fired." "April, that's not why he fired me." "April, that's not why he fired me." "Let's not..." "Oh, God, you thought I got fired because of your stupid lie?" "He saw you label the samples." "He even told me you lied about it, because he was worried about you." "It seemed out of character." "So why aren't you angry with me?" "I am.But I forgive you." "You're a mess." "Brian knows it, I know it." "I wouldn't say "mess"." "I'm a mess too, as it goes, which is why Brian fired me." "Always late, always unprofessional." "I hate science." "He needed to lay off a member of staff - funding's shit." "It was right I should go." "I'd been trying to pluck up the courage for months to fire you, to be quite honest." "Sorry - that was probably too much information, wasn't it?" "It's just, when you weren't at the speed dating..." "It wasn't really my scene." "I'll be fine." "haven't I?" "Not necessarily." "Hi.Hi." "Bit of a head-fuck today." "Thought she'd have been..." "Yeah." "Do you ever think what would have happened if I'd met you when I could walk?" "Do you think I'd have been interested?" "Because I think this, us, our shit...it's not down to me and my disability crap." "You have this record playing in your head that says, "He wouldn't be interested in me if he could walk," ""he's settling for second best."" "Sounds like a Phil Collins record." "You're probably right." "I probably wouldn't have looked twice." "But even if you were six foot three, it wouldn't..." "Six foot three?" "That's taking it a bit far, isn't it?" "Carrie!" "Carrie, in all this shite and everything that's happened to me," "I've met this girl who, for whatever reason, I looked at." "And she is amazing." "So I'm asking if you're dancing..." "No, I'm not." "I don't need this." "I don't need you." ""Serving suggestions." "Serve withrolls," ""melted butter, salad and a good glass of wine" - exclamation mark." "OK, now, bring the water to the boil." "You carry a thermometer in your pocket?" "I find air temperature interesting." "Really?" "I'm never gonna be a very good scientist, am I?" "No, Kevin, you're not." "And yes, the pan is boiling." "I've streaked a corridor, speed dated, almost shagged a man named Mitch." "I've done many new things this week." "Besides, this isn't about Andrew." "Who is it about, then?" "Me." "So, Brian," "I hear you've never had lobster before." "No." "No." "Brave new thing!" "Petit peu." "Shall I help myself?" "Yeah, help yourself." "If you want the fighter claw, yeah, that's fine." "I'll have the really weak, limp sort of claw, then, shall I?" "Sort of non-fighting claw." "What are you gonna have?" "You have all of it." "All the more for me." "Absolutely." "Cheers." "Cheers." "Well done." "Cheers." "Thank you." "You look a bit intimidated." "Why don't you have that?" "Suck on that, baby, suck on that." "Looks like something that'd come out of John Hurt's stomach." "I'll have that." "Is that the finger bowl?" "It's butter!" "Oh, it's butter!" "(LAUGHS) Melted butter!" "(WILL) It was supposed to say, "Love, Will,"" "but I ran out of shells when I had to change April into an Andrew." "Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd"