"Kim:" "Five minutes to air." "First team in the studio, please." "Five minutes." "Natalie:" "Well, I've heard the rumor." "Jeremy:" "And I've heard the rumor." "" " That's two...that's three." "" " Plus Kim." "Thr ee people have heard the rumor." "So I think we'r e justified in being nervous." "I think we'r e justified in being damn nervous, and I'm somebody who can be, f rankly, nervous" " without much justification at all." "" " I know." "" " Elliott, have you heard the rumor?" "" " Yes, I have." "That's f our." "That's f our people we know who've heard the rumor." "And that's only counting the people we know who've heard the rumor." "That's right." "What exactly does a ratings expert do?" "Well, pr esumably, he raises ratings." "" " What's wrong with our ratings?" "" " Our ratings ar e fine." "" " We come in third." "" " Consistently." "" " Damn straight." "" " We come in third each and every week." "The only way we could possibly do better" " is if we came in first or second." "" " That's right." "" " It's not like we'r e those clowns in f ourth." "" " Bunch of losers." "I honestly don't see the logic in hiring someone to come in her e and shake things up in order to gain shar e points when our ratings ar e perf ectly fine." "" " It's illogical." "" " And yet f our people have heard the rumor." "" " You guys hear about the ratings guy?" "" " A f ull five people now." "" " Good show." "" " Good show!" "I'm a little worked up about this." "" " As well you should be." "" " As well should we all." "[ Knock on door ] Come in." "" " Hi." "" " Hello." "" " What's up?" "" " Dana, what ar e you wearing?" "" " Do you like it?" "" " As a matter of f act, I do." "Tell me something." "Why would the nickel back have set up 5 yards off the line on third and one inside the 50 and they've been going off tackle all day?" "Well, you have to figure -- Ex cuse me, Dana." "Sweetie, Dana can tell when you'r e staring at her br easts." "" " I wasn't." "" " It's okay." "" " I mean, my eyes naturally went ther e, but now I'm fine." "" " Why ar e you wearing that?" "I assume after the show you'r e going dir ectly to an important business meeting." "She's going to a bachelor ette party." "Why ar e you wearing those clothes?" "" " The bachelor ette party is biker-themed." "" " It's biker-themed?" "It's biker-themed." "We'r e all being picked up and escorted to the party on Harleys." "" " I'm going to ride on the back of a hog." "" " Yeah?" "" " I know the lingo." "" " Listen, have you heard the rumor?" "" " About the ratings guy?" "" " Is it true?" "" " No." "" " No, you haven't heard the rumor?" "Yes, I've heard the rumor." "No, it isn't true." "" " Really?" "" " Ther e's no ratings guy." "Five people have heard the rumor." "Five people ar e wrong." "" " Show me San Diego." "Show me Oakland." "" " Three minutes out." "Loading animation one through five." "" " Loading sound 5." "" " Chyron's clear on 60?" "" " It's clearing." "" " Oakland's up." "Thank you, Dave." "Stop looking at my ass." "No problem." "My point is that it can't be any old first date." "The bar her e is very high, not so much because it'll be my first date with Dana, but because it'll be Dana's first date with me, and I'm known in some parts f or my first date." "In certain parts, I have a r ep." "Ther e's such a thing as str eet cr ed." "Dan..." "Listen to this." "Tell them about my str eet cr ed." " [ Laughs ] Seriously..." "" " Tell them about my r ep." "You don't have a r ep." "You don't have str eet cr ed." "Your last date was 14 years ago, and you ended up with a marriage and a divorce." "Oh, in some parts " "No, ther e ar e no parts." "Now, listen to this." "Dave:" "Two minutes to VTR." "" " I just hung up the phone." "What's the best news I could have?" "You won a 4-week vacation to someplace else?" "The best news I could have f or me." "You got invited to Hillary Clinton's f und-raising br eakf ast." "I got invited to Hillary Clinton's f und-raising br eakf ast -- me, the first lady, scrambled eggs, lively conversation." "It turns out it wasn't that hard." "You know what you have to do?" "" " Write a check f or $ 1,000?" "" " That's right." "But not everyone was given that opportunity." "I was asked." "They asked you for $ 1, 000, and you gave it to them." "That's incr edible, Danny." "I was picked, Casey." "I was identified." "Yes, it's called "being a mark."" "I gladly gave my money to a good fight." "Danny, Isaac's got enough to deal with f rom the network right now without you getting into a good fight." "" " This isn't about politics." "" " She's running for the Senate." "This is about me..." "Ms. Hillary Rodham of Chicago, and a connection." "Ther e'll be a connection?" "I believe ther e will be." "This r eally isn't political, is it?" "No, sir, it is not." "You have a crush on Hillary Clinton." "I carry a torch f or her, yes." "You'r e hot f or Mrs. Clinton." "Well, I mean, who isn't?" "But, in my case, it's mor e than physical." "It's cer ebral." "No doubt about it." "I think we need to get you a C.A.T. scan, and stat." "I would like to have an intelligent, high-minded, right-thinking, socially progr essive, impr essively pragmatic conversation with Hillary Clinton." "[ Stomps f oot ] Tomorrow morning I shall." "Shall you?" "Yes, and she will say, "My goodness." ""That Dan Rydell is such a bright young boy " ""so much mor e than sports scor es and highlights." "I think I'll make him my gentleman f riend."" "Dave:" "Roll VTR." "" " Well, then, her e's to you, Mrs. Robinson." " 60 seconds live." "" " What kind of world do we live in when third place isn't almost as good as second place?" "" " Jer emy..." "" " The rumors ar e undeniable, Dana." "" " No, they'r e not undeniable." "I'm denying them." "" " Do the count again." "" " Natalie and me -- that's two." "" " Don't do the count." "Kim and Elliott -- that's f our." "Casey and Dan." "" " That's six." "" " Thanks." "Will, Chris, and Dave -- " " I'm just doing this in my head, but that's nine, right?" "" " Yes." "Isaac, good, you'r e her e." "What ar e you dr essed as?" "I'm going to a bachelor ette party." "It's a theme bachelor ette party." "" " Ask her what the theme is." "" " I just assumed it was hookers." "It's biker chicks." "" " Just as good in my book." " 30 seconds live." "" " Isaac, tell these people, would you?" "" " Tell them what?" "Tell them the rumor isn't true." "Tell them ther e isn't a ratings expert coming in to work on the show." "The rumor is true." "Ther e is a ratings expert coming to work on the show, and he's coming tomorrow." "The network hir ed a ratings guy?" "The network didn't hir e him." "I did." "Dana, this may not be the right time, but that's 10." "In 3...2..." "Good evening." "From New York City," "I'm Casey McCall alongside Dan Rydell." "Those stories, plus we'll take you around the NHL, where the Red Wings did some damage to the duck pond, and we'll take you around the NFL, wher e the Dolphins did some damage to themselves." "All that coming up after this." "You'r e watching "Sports Night" on CSC, so stick around." "Dave:" "We're out." "Ever been on a carriage ride?" "What do you think I should wear tomorrow?" "Natalie:" "You know nothing about the ratings guy?" "I know the exact same thing you know." "I know Isaac is in meetings, and he'll talk to us about it later." "My question is wher e's Dana?" "" " I'm back." "" " How was it?" "Fantastic." "Good scrambled eggs?" "" " Ex cellent scrambled eggs." "" " Connection?" "Connection made, my young f riend." "" " Does anybody car e if I'm not part of this?" "" " It's just as well, Natalie." "Ther e ar e gonna be some parts of this story that ar e unsuitable f or mix ed company." "" " I have to edit tape." "" " Wher e did you say Dana was?" "She was up all night." "And she called and said she'd be in an hour late." "She was skanking around town all leather ed up?" "" " I guess so." "" " Ex cellent." "Hey, you'r e talking about the woman whose first date with me" "I'm planning." "That was some pr etty inter esting grammar." "See you at the rundown." "Casey, it was the best br eakf ast of my lif e." "For a thousand bucks, I imagine it'd be up ther e." "I was introduced to her." "She held out her hand." "Hillary Clinton." "Ther e she was -- the hair, the shoes, and the whole thing." "She said, "Dan, let me" " "First of all, she called me "Dan."" "Wer e you wearing a name tag?" "Yeah." "All right, anyway, she said, "Dan, I'm not much of a sports f an," ""but when I've watched your show..."" "[ Laughs ] "you've made me laugh."" "You've made quite a f ew of us laugh." "Okay, you know what?" "She said something nice about you, but I'm not gonna tell you what it was." "Carriage ride through the park -- in or out?" "I'm not gonna tell you that, either." "Finish the story." "The story is we had a conversation -- seriously." "Someone had clearly brief ed her on my stuff with the public schools, and I told her about my opposition to secular programs that ar e publicly financed." "I r eally spoke up, and she seemed to listen." "" " You mean nonsecular." "" " What do you mean?" "You don't oppose secular programs that ar e publicly financed, you oppose nonsecular programs that ar e publicly financed." "" " Yes." "" " Go on." "Wait." "" " I'm right." "" " Ar e you sur e?" ""Nonsecular" means "bound to r eligious guidelines."" ""Secular" means "f r ee of r eligion."" "Okay." "I'm sur e I got it right at br eakf ast." "Well, 50/50 chance." "[ Sighs deeply ]" "" " Yeah." "" " So, go on." "" " I'm gonna go " " I'm gonna change my clothes." "" " Okay." "" " I didn't get it right." "" " I know." "" " I blew it." "" " Yes." "I mix ed up." "I inverted the definitions of "secular" and "nonsecular."" "Looks like that might be the case." "" " Hillary Clinton thinks I'm an idiot!" "" " Either that or a r eligious bigot." "" " I went to an lvy League school, Casey." "" " A proud day f or Dartmouth, Dan." "I made an idiot out of myself in f ront of Hillary Clinton." "Yeah, but at least you had to spend 1,000 bucks to do it." "[ Sighs ]" "Well, clearly, I have to get in touch with her." "Clearly." "I need her to know that I know the diff er ence between secular and nonsecular." "You don't know the diff er ence between secular and nonsecular." "Yeah, but I do now, and I should have then." "I have to call her." "At this point, I'd say it's a moral imperative." "" " I'll call her hotel." "" " They'll put you right through." "I'm not saying it's not going to take perseverance, but I'm going to make contact with this woman." "" " Good luck." "" " Thank you." "" " Casey..." "" " I can't talk right now." "No problem." "Casey " "Hey, I'm glad you'r e her e, because we have some decisions to make." "I've had an epiphany." "" " Really?" "" " Yeah!" "" " Walk with me." "" " Okay." "I was up all night." "I heard." "Good bachelor ette party?" "It was gr eat, but that's not wher e I was all night." "Wher e wer e you all night?" "" " Having an epiphany." "" " Was there a stripper?" "" " At the party?" "Yes, ther e was." "" " Yeah." "Did he have a better body than me?" "Of course he had a better body than you, Casey." "He was a prof essional male stripper." "You know, let me tell you something." "When we'r e asked, men know how to answer that question." "It's not like I'm not qualified f or the job, Dana." "" " It's just..." "" " I know." "I understand." "Do you want to hear about the epiphany?" "" " No." "" " Casey..." "Yes, but first, let me just clear this plan with you." "I pick you up Saturday at 8:00." "Drinks at Moomba, dinner at Caf e des Artistes, and then -- wait f or it -- a carriage ride through the park with a bottle of champagne." "" " I can top that." " [ Snaps fingers ] I'm listening." "Instead of doing all that as our first date Saturday night, we postpone our first date f or six months while you see other women." "" " I'm sorry?" "" " It was my epiphany." "What was your epiphany?" "That instead of you and I going out on our first " "Don't say it again." "What's happened?" "" " Listen." "" " I am." "The bride, my f riend -- at this thing last night -- someone leaned over to me and said, "It's never gonna last."" "What's never gonna last?" "The bride and the guy." "Why not?" "Because he was basically the only guy she dated as an adult, and either she was gonna meet someone better or she'd always f eel like she could have met someone better." "" " Dana..." "" " Casey..." "You started dating Lisa when you wer e 18." "" " You married her when you wer e 23." "" " I r emember all that." "I think you know how I f eel about you, Casey." "I think I do." "" " I want us to have a clear shot at this." "" " Me too." "" " The date you planned sounds gr eat." "" " Yes, it does." "" " We'r e definitely going to do it." "" " Okay." "But first, you got to date other women." "Let's go back to the beginning." "You are about five different kinds of crazy, you know that?" "I don't think this is the time or place, do you?" "No, you'r e right." "Let's discuss this six months f rom now after I've had mor e experience with psychos." "I have to talk to Isaac now." "" " What if I just flat-out r ef use?" "" " What do you mean?" "What if I just r ef use to go along with your plan?" "Then you do not get the wonder that is me." "I'm not sur e I want the wonder that is you." "Well, that's entir ely up to you." "" " Yes, it is." "Okay." "" " That's right." "" " Fine." " l-I want to kill you right now." "Problem is that's not the only thing you want to do with me right now, is it?" "No, that's pr etty much it." "I have to talk to Isaac now." "What's the problem her e?" "He's mad 'cause I had an epiphany and he didn't." "This isn't happening." "[ Knock on door ]" "" " Come in." "" " Hey." "How was the hooker party?" "Biker party." "It was fine." "How was therapy?" "" " I walked 1/10 of a mile on the tr eadmill." "" " Good." "" " Who's the ratings guy?" "" " Now, Dana, don't go -- " " Who's the ratings guy?" "" " His name's Sam Donovan." "Is he good?" "" " No, I decided to hir e a moron." "" " Isaac..." "I think he's the best in the business." "I think ther e's no one else close." "Who do I answer to -- you or him?" "Well, that's not how " "Isaac, who do I answer to, you or him?" "I want you to work with him, Dana." "I want you to make this work." "It'll just be a short while." "" " You didn't have to do this." "" " We'r e in third place." "" " We wer e ticking up on our own." "" " Not f ast enough." "Fast enough f or you, f ast enough f or us." "Not f ast enough f or them." "I got to tell you, the sight of you -- the sight of Isaac Jaff ee f earing f or his job..." "I want you to work with him, Dana." "I want you to make this work." "" " Is ther e a number?" "" " What?" "Is ther e a set number of women?" "I don't know." "'Cause if ther e's a set number of women, maybe you can just get them out of the way, bing-bam-boom." "" " Bing-bam-boom?" "" " That was me getting women out of the way really f ast." "" " You don't think her epiphany sounds insane?" "" " I sort of do, yeah." "But she didn't run it by me, so this is the kind of thing that happens." "No, this is the kind of thing that happens when she does run it by you, so I'm surprised to hear you wer en't involved." "Turning on me isn't going to solve anything." "What did he say?" "His name's Sam Donovan." "He's supposed to be very good." "" " Well, did Isaac say why all of a sudden he decided to -- " " What do you think?" "Natalie, let me have senior staff at 10 minutes to air." "" " Sur e." "By the way, this plan -- " " Yeah." "Never ran it by me." "I'm going with my instincts on this one." "It shows." "I got to get to work." "" " Dana, I have dated women bef or e." "" " You have not." "What about that double date at Anthony Anthony's with you and Gordon?" "It almost turned very serious with that girl." "" " What was her name?" "" " Ah, f or the lif e of me, I can't r emember." "That's 'cause you ended up sitting at the bar with me watching "Sports Night."" "" " What about Sally?" "" " That wasn't dating." "Well, we slept together almost every night f or thr ee months." "" " Thanks f or r eminding me." "" " Dana..." "That wasn't dating." "That was two lonely and pathetic people slinking off after her crappy, little 2:00 A.M. show, getting drunk, and using each other f or sex." "" " That's not dating?" "" " No." "Okay, but still, can I just do that f or a little while and we'll call it -- " " No, sir!" "" " Listen..." "Casey, I have dated, and I'm done." "The next thing I have -- I want it to be serious." "The last thing you had, you wer e engaged." "You got to trust me on this." "No, I don't think I do have to trust you on this." "We have a magical first kiss in my office " "I do not deny it was magical." "You better not deny it was magical, because I took you off your f eet, woman." "I rocked you back." "I do not deny it." "I plan our first date -- Moomba, Caf e des Artistes " "Carriage rides ar e out, by the way." "They ar e not out." "They ar e back in." "Yeah?" "If you'r e f rom Akron." "[ Sighs ] Hey." "I'm not saying I wouldn't have had a good time." "" " So, this woman comes along at your biker party -- " " Deanna." "This drunken, bitter, lesbian woman." "Now, why would you do that?" "Why would you go to lesbian right ther e?" "" " Tell me you'r e not a homophobe." "" " Ar e you saying in order to prove to you that I'm grown-up enough to go out with you, you'r e gonna make me go out and find other women to sample first?" "" " I'm not even gonna ask f or approval." "" " Thanks." "" " Casey..." "" " Dana..." "We'll have mor e time to talk about this later." "Just know that I want to give us the best possible chance." "So you'r e going to have me date your f riends?" "I gotta go." "You all right?" "Actually, I am f rightened of my own lif e, but I'll talk to you later." "Good." "[ Sniff s ]" "[ Chuckles ]" " [ Sighs ] I'm going to have to live with this." "" " Yes." "She never r eturned my calls." "That's pr etty surprising." "She never r eturned my calls, and I'm going to have to live with this the r est of my natural lif e." "It's out ther e now, and it's probably getting blown all out of proportion." "Listen." "You can hear the whispers f rom the tr eetops." "You know a lie can make it halfway around the world bef or e the truth has a chance to get its boots on?" "What ar e you, Burl Ives all of a sudden?" "As a matter of f act, that was Mark Twain." "" " I know who it was." "" " And so do I." "And I'm able to quote him because I'm educated." "I know things." "" " You work your whole lif e, and in an instant..." "" " Yes." "I'm sur e she's told her f riends by now." "Let's go." "" " It's just out ther e..." "" " Danny... and it can't be gotten back." "What do you think I should do about this?" "I think you should do what she tells you to do." "She had a weird night at a party." "Things will look diff er ent in the cold light of day." "" " Do you think?" "" " Does the plan include you'r e supposed to have sex?" "I don't know." "I assume it's an option." "" " You've explained to her that the plan is insane?" "" " I'm trying." "" " You want me to take a whack at it?" "" " No." "" " What's going on?" "" " I wanted us to say hello to Sam Donovan bef or e the show started." "I'm sorry?" "I said I wanted us to say hello to Sam Donovan, the ratings consultant, bef or e the show started." "I thought you said," ""I was thinking about my dating plan and r ealized I was mental."" "No." "" " Wher e is he?" "" " I don't know." "Can I just say that I've had experience with this bef or e and I think you'r e all a little too worried about nothing?" "These guys tend to be obnoxious, but I've f ound they'r e mostly obsequious and starved f or acceptance." ""Boned" and "deboned" mean the same thing." "Would you give it a r est?" "Actually, Danny's right." "These guys just want to be liked." "We show him that he's perfectly welcome here but make it clear we do a good show, it's our show, and we'r e r eluctant to have the network involved in cr eative or editorial decisions." "We can't do that." "" " Why?" " 'Cause Isaac wants me to work with him." "" " Dana..." "" " I'm gonna work with him, Casey." "It's just f or a f ew weeks." "[ Sighs ]" "Ther e's such a word as "disheveled,"" "but "sheveled" is nowher e to be f ound in the dictionary." "Danny..." "I'm just saying English sucks." "We'r e starting to pr ess the clock." "Dave, do me a f avor." "Get us at r eady-1 ." "Kim, Elliott, go ahead and do your preflight." "" " Exactly how many dates do I have to go on -- " " Later." "This is nice." "This is like quiet time." "The hell with it." "Let's go and do the show, and then " "Ex cuse me." "Ar e you Sam Donovan?" "Yeah." "I was just looking f or my office." "I'm Dana Whitaker." "How you doin'?" "" " Dan Rydell." "" " Casey McCall." "Good to meet you." "If someone could just point me toward my office..." "We got together like this to welcome you." "Thanks." "My office?" "I'm sorry." "You don't have one yet." "I'm sur e Janie, our office manager -- [ Thud ]" "" " That'll be taken car e of by the morning?" "" " Yeah." "Who's the segment producer tonight?" "" " I am." "" " What's your top story -- " " Oakland or Ted Marchibroda?" "" " Ted Marchibroda." "Make it Oakland, will you?" "Move Marchibroda to the 10-block." "Fill with the wild card." "" " Ar e you scripted in the ones?" "" " Yeah, but " "Ex cuse me, Jeremy." "Sam, what are you doing?" "" " Hmm?" "" " I said, "What ar e you doing?"" "It's gonna be helpf ul if you get used to not asking that question." "Hang on." "You can't just come in her e and start dictating policy." "Now, we're ready to work with you as long as you understand that this is our show and we f eel we do it well." "You should also bear in mind that Dana doesn't stand alone her e." "Unless you want your first action as a consultant to cause a f ull-staff walkout, including the on-air talent and producers, I'd downshift a little." "You shouldn't think that just because I'm looking at you while you'r e talking to me that I'm necessarily listening to or caring about what you'r e saying." "It's just something I do to be polite." "I was lying on a beach in Bali." "I got a phone call." "I got on a plane f or 14 hours." "I was hir ed to raise this show's audience shar e 3 points." "Just between you and me, I'm gonna raise it 3 1/2." "I'm not lacking in confidence as f ar as that's concerned, and because of that, I can say this " "I honestly don't give a damn if any of you work her e or not." "Who's the coordinating producer tonight?" "I am." "Well, I've got 10:55." "You want to call places?" "Places, first team." "Dana..." "Go ahead, guys." "No, wait a second." "It's okay." "Go ahead." "" " You sur e?" "" " Yeah." "Good show." "I'm not gonna like you very much, am I?" "Oh, don't be ridiculous, Dana." "Everybody likes me." "Dave:" "In 3...2..." "Good evening." "From New York City," "I'm Dan Rydell alongside Casey McCall." "Those stories, plus "Inside the Playbook" with Kelly Kirkpatrick," ""Center Ice" with Jack Jankowitz, and "The Infield Fly" with Connie Morton in Chicago." "All that coming up after this." "You'r e watching "Sports Night" on CSC, so stick around." "Dave:" "We're out." "On the next "Sports Night"..." "I'm f rightened every time I'm near him." "You gotta f ace that f ear." "If I allow you three to go in ther e and mess with my show, will it keep my staff f rom losing their jobs?" "I can't make promises." "Fir e me or shut the hell up." "It doesn't seem like he's r ecovering as f ast as we hoped." "You've become a malcontent, Danny." "You've become a secr etary, Dana." "" " No one's blaming you." "" " Everyone's blaming me!" "" " We'r e in trouble." "" " I know."