"How the hell did I ever get stuck with a loser like you?" "The minute you feel tired, you drop to the ground like you was dead." "That ain't natural in a horse." "What do you take me for?" "You got the idea I'm going to carry you?" "There's no more water, the sun's hot, and this ain't no place to lunch." "Well, look who's here." "A man with bullets where his brains ought to be..." "Blackhearted Sonny." "Yeah, now you'll get up, won't you?" "Because you're scared." "You're a miserable excuse for a horse." "Get out of here." "Huh?" "Come on." "[NEIGH]" "You want to go that way, don't you?" "[GRUNT]" "I don't know anyone I ever met as stubborn as you." "And don't you give me that look." "I'll move you myself if I have to." "And I don't care takes all day." "There we are." "It was mighty fine." "Z you put a little heart and soul into it." "And by gum, anything can be done." "You smell what I smell?" "Go make friends." "MAN:" "Whose horses are these?" "Huh?" "Horses?" "Well, what horses?" "You know what happens to horse thieves?" "Can I help it if they wanted to follow me?" "The man's got a sense of humor." "Hang him to the nearest tree you find." "Huh." "Looks like they're fresh out." "Well, I'll get one if I have to plant it myself." "Maybe it's better this way." "Stop!" "Stop!" "Hey, mister!" "Wait!" "What did he do?" "He stole them horses." "Well, whatever he did, I'm not going to let you hang a [INAUDIBLE] with a little boy watching him." "Nobody asked the boy to look." "Get out or be quiet." "But you're not a sheriff." "And if you're not a sheriff, you can't do what you're going." "You better get out." "The boy just happens to be speaking the truth." "He's not been given a fair trial." "You're committing murder as plain as day." "I say the lawyer here is right." "That old man?" "You bet!" "He's one of the best!" "All right." "We'll give you a trial." "And we'll hang you after." "Huh-huh." "Tastes good?" "Ain't that the life..." "Turkey with all the fixings." "Chest-nugget dress, nice hot sweet potatoes." "Um, say, amigo." "MAN:" "Mm-hm?" "Which side do you reckon is longer?" "This one here, or this one?" "[INAUDIBLE] got a stupid [INAUDIBLE] gift." "So which side is the long side?" "This here, or up the side?" "You must be crazy, mister." "The side's longer." "Hm." "I'll wager that fat turkey of yours." "You're on." "Mm." "Now, first, we'll measure it this way." "And then... nah." "You lose." "MAN:" "I lose, huh?" "But even if I'd won, what would I get?" "Hm." "Your turkey." "Give me back that turkey." "Give me my turkey, I said." "No." "[GROAN]" "[GRUNT]" "MAN:" "Hey kid." "You hear in there?" "Who's there?" "MAN:" "It's us." "Get away from the wall!" "Go on now!" "Hurry up!" "[EXPLOSION]" "See him?" "[?" "Get him!" "?" "]" "Here he is." "He's just taking a little nap." "JAILER 1:" "What happened?" "JAILER 2:" "Everyone to the jail!" "JAILER 1: [INAUDIBLE]" "JAILER 2:" "After him!" "MAN:" "Somebody get the sheriff!" "[INTERPOSING VOICES]" "[GUNFIRE]" "[NEIGHING]" "Hello, fella." "Never guess what I ate for supper." "Hold it." "It's obvious we don't need a trial." "But we're going to have ourselves a hanging party tonight anyway." "Hey you!" "I wouldn't do that if I was you!" "You'll have to come and stop me." "[LAUGHTER]" "I think that spoils the party." "Coburn!" "Coburn!" "Hey!" "Coburn!" "Don't worry darling here." "He won't get far." "Huh?" "Well, what's wrong?" "OLD MAN:" "Help!" "Help me please!" "It's my heart." "Come over here." "Come closer." "Don't be afraid." "I'm dying." "Don't shoot." "I wasn't trying to aim at you." "I meant to get your attention." "Oh yeah?" "Well, why didn't you just shoot me?" "That would really get me." "Eh." "Are you a man?" "A man with a heart?" "Mm-hm." "Please." "Please take this." "You take it down to the little boy." "Chip, should be." "Boy's my nephew." "And you should tell him that my heart won't hold out." "That's all that I'm asking of you." "[SIGH]" "See that the boy gets to Westland, will you?" "Is there a railroad through Westland?" "Yeah, two." "Well, now you can, well, I mean, don't worry about the kid." "Chip?" "What kind of a name is Chip?" "Chip, Chip, Chip, Chip." "Hey, Chip." "Chip?" "[SIGH]" "Hold your hands up." "[SIGH]" "Don't get smart, Chip." "Do you hear?" "Or..." "You're too young to be playing around with guns." "You might have killed me, you know that?" "What are you trying to do?" "Gosh, I didn't recognize you." "I thought you were one of those men who attacked my uncle." "Oh, he's your uncle, huh?" "Come here." "I talked to your uncle." "And your uncle said, well, uh, he said that he's going on ahead and that, uh, ah, I should take you with me to Westland." "Uncle's dead." "Well, I don't know if he's dead, but..." "look, calm down." "There ain't nothing you can do, you here?" "He did it to save me... to keep those bandits away from me." "And now..." "[SIGH]" "Now, now, now." "Stop it with your waterworks, huh?" "You're coming with me to Westland like your uncle said, right?" "Nice town, Westland." "Good railroads." "Rufus." "[NEIGH]" "Rufus?" "I'll ride on the wagon and you can rest up a little, right?" "All right." "See anything?" "CHIP:" "Yes, I see a mean-looking man driving a wagon." "And he's wearing two pistols." "He's following you, isn't he?" "Why are you running away?" "Put it up." "Here." "Time to go." "I'm not running away." "I'm just dying to see Westland and those two railroads." "Ya!" "[WOMEN SINGING]" "Will you cut out that howling?" "What's wrong with a song, Sonny?" "Ha!" "It's boring back in here." "Yeah, while you're busy being bored, he's running further away from us." "What do you mean, running away?" "You were driving him away from us with that mean temper of yours?" "Why don't you just try to talk to him quiet and nice instead of always taking your guns out and shooting them all?" "Oh." "All right." "All right, now go ahead and sing." "Sing all you want." "Ah!" "[WOMEN SINGING]" "You know something?" "My uncle wasn't a lawyer." "COBURN:" "What you trying to say?" "That you saved my life?" "It isn't that." "They didn't hang you because they're good, right?" "And the guy following you is bad, right?" "COBURN:" "Uh." "He's following you." "Yes, I know he's following you." "Why did you say he wasn't?" "Why is he following you?" "Listen, Chip." "I promised your Uncle I'd take you to Westland." "Don't break my back asking questions." "Here." "Eat your supper." "What's the matter?" "Where's the [INAUDIBLE]" "Huh?" "That's the way, son." "[GUNSHOT]" "[GASP]" "Don't move, Coburn." "Who's moving?" "Might I finish my supper, or are you in a hurry?" "Get up." "Hey, you are in a hurry." "Chip, I can't keep my promise." "What's that, a midget?" "He's the nephew of a lawyer friend of mine." "Hold it." "You can't kill a man in front of a child." "You might mister, but you can't kill a man who's unarmed." "It can be done, Chip." "[LAUGHTER]" "Don't worry." "I ain't going to kill him right now." "First, you've got to marry my sister Mary, you..." "Uh-huh." "You see, I ain't fixing to marry anybody." "Let's get on with it." "That's just the kind of guy you are, huh?" "If I kill you right now, my sister Mary would live the rest of the life in shame and dishonor." "But if I kill you after the wedding, he'd be a respectable widow." "I never laid a little finger on your sister, you here?" "Oh, that's lousy coffee and you're a lying skunk." "Anyway, people around here think different." "And what's true for them is true to me." "So first, I reckon to marry you." "Uh, to her." "And then I want to kill you, here?" "Coburn!" "You can live a hundred years!" "It's easy!" "All you do is not get married." "Right." "Hey, did you here what the lawyer's nephew just said?" "Hold this." "Look." "[LAUGHTER]" "You know, I don't care if I have to blast off your arms, both of your friends, and the back of your head." "But you are going to marry my sister." "Hey, take a look at this." "Just take a look at..." "At what I've got here." "This here's a... oh... well, here's a marriage license." "Now, you and me are going to hunt around for a preacher." "Could I look at that?" "Yeah, sure." "Oh, no." "Uh uh!" "I know." "Here, look." "[SCREAM]" "Hey, Chip." "Let's get out of here." "You're just going to leave him here." "Eh." "Don't worry." "We'll be seeing him." "Huh!" "Huh!" "Ya!" "How come that sainted uncle of yours was so set on you coming here to this cemetery?" "He said it was the best place for me to make my fortune." "You crazy." "This dump won't yield you a wooden nickel." "My uncle was never wrong." "Anyway, I like it here." "Well, glad you're staying, then." "Yes sir." "Because as soon as you're settled," "I'm going to take the first train out of here." "Stranger, it's an honor to have you here in Westland." "May the Lord be with you." "To tell you the truth, we come here alone." "Welcome to our little, humble, and peaceful community." "Yeah." "Sure looks quiet." "And we do all we can to keep it that way." "It's a treat to have new people stop here." "Staying long?" "Just until something gets settled." "Then I'll be on my way." "And God's peace be with you." "The Lord's grace be upon for head." "Come on." "[INTERPOSING VOICES]" "Hey, what's happening?" "TOWNSPERSON:" "Bolt the door!" "Come on, [INAUDIBLE] Give me a hand, here!" "Inside!" "Come on!" "Let's get the hell out of here!" "Oh." "Hey, what's going on?" "The Sheriff's going out for a ride!" "So what?" "I've been here two weeks now." "When the sheriff goes for a ride?" "You can be sure there's trouble brewing." "Hey, what are you doing?" "Eh?" "Nothing." "Just eating some dirt." "Can't you see?" "And you still reckon your uncle was never wrong?" "Never." "[GRUNT]" "That's the $50 my aunt Vera gave us when my family left [INAUDIBLE]" "That's a lot of money for a boy." "I better go put this in the bank." "You wait for me here." "Morning." "BANK CLERK:" "Sorry, but we're closed." "Well, I only want to put this money and documents in a safe place." "Well, seeing it's only a deposit." "Be quick about it." "Who's name is the deposit in?" "Is the safe strong?" "Whose name is the deposit in?" "You know what's written here?" "It's a deed to a house called Welldigger's Roost." "About half a mile out of town." "It's a deserted house." "It gives exclusive rights to the house and property to Chip Anderson." "Right." "Chip Anderson?" "Chip Anderson." "I was expecting this." "All right, get them up in the air, folks." "You ought to know by now." "You know you shouldn't be here." "How many times have we told you to get out of town?" "I'm going." "But listen." "First, I've got to liquidate the bank." "You leave that to us." "[LAUGHTER]" "Hurry it up, boys, while I go over to the saloon." "I got dust in my throat." "All right, let's go to work." "[INAUDIBLE]" "Ain't I sen you some place before?" "Hard to say with that thing on your face." "BANDIT:" "How much you reckon we got?" "I don't think I had the pleasure." "Come on, I'm thirsty." "Hold it." "That's mine." "This money's mine." "It was yours, fat boy." "Amigo, I don't give a hoot about robbing banks." "But that $50 don't belong to the bank." "It's mine." "Are you looking for trouble, fat boy?" "I'm not looking for trouble." "[GROANING]" "Put your guns there." "Now lock them up." "I ain't putting this money in the bank." "Ain't safe." "Hey, this too." "[GRUNT]" "[GROAN]" "[INAUDIBLE]" "[SCREAM]" "[GROAN]" "[LAUGHTER]" "[GROAN]" "[YOWL]" "[GROAN]" "[GRUNTING]" "[GROANING]" "That's two." "That's enough!" "This started out to be a simple robbery and you've turned it into a major disaster." "You can't do that!" "Can be done, amigo." "Watch out, Coburn!" "Stop right there." "Shall I put my hands up, or is this OK?" "It don't matter." "It's an informal execution." "[SIGH]" "[GUNFIRE]" "Oh, Coburn!" "Jumping catfish!" "Here she is again!" "Hey!" "SONNY:" "Get back in the wagon!" "But I just wanted to say hello to Coburn!" "Get back in the wagon, I said!" "[INTERPOSING VOICES]" "WOMAN:" "Hey handsome!" "Hey!" "I'm right over here." "See if you're standing over there." "I'm going to find the preacher." "Don't worry, Sonny." "Ya!" "Heh!" "Whoa!" "Now look at that." "CHIP:" "Why?" "Don't you like it?" "So this is that famous well, huh?" "It sure is." "Well, Chip." "Let's get some water." "I think Chip, that your uncle was a little touched in the head." "My uncle told me to settle in Westland." "I'm settling in Westland to make my money off irrigation." "Water, huh?" "Nothing but stinking black mud." "See for yourself." "MAN:" "Hey, you two." "Get out of here." "COBURN:" "Out of where?" "It's private property." "COBURN:" "I know." "He owns it." "The owner's dead." "So the land reverts to the community." "There must be some mistake." "This kid is the owner." "It's written down right here." "Well, see for yourself." "Get out." "Those are my papers!" "You can't do that!" "The boy's absolutely right." "You might have read them before you tore them up." "We told you to get, understand?" "Say, you're handy with those." "Do that again." "Now clear out." "See that, Chip?" "The left, the right, and back." "The left, the right, and back." "[GROAN]" "Take their guns, Chip." "[MOANING]" "Now we throw the rascals out." "Get up!" "Get up!" "Get!" "How long have you been myopic?" "What?" "Myopic." "You know, short-sighted." "I see very well." "Then why do you use eye glasses?" "They help me to think." "Will you help me unload my stuff?" "Well, you know." "Seeing old Sonny's out of the way," "I guess I'll make that train tomorrow." " Nasty bump." " Yeah, well..." "Looks like you've been kicked by a horse." "I would say it was more like a mule." "MARY:" "Hm." "Sit over there, will you?" "I don't want you to watch this." "Now, no hollering, if you please." "If you make a noise, you'll make me nervous." "I could make a mistake and that would be the end of your neck." "Are you kidding?" "Nobody can make me holler." "Let's go." "That it?" "Go ahead." "[GROANING]" "He stays inside for a week." "And keep a towel around his neck at all times." "I know how to handle him, doctor." "I'm an expert." "Good day." "Good day, doctor." "[INAUDIBLE] Stupid pig Coburn got away again and I got to keep following him." "I've got my old work to do." "Oh, don't be silly." "He said he was going to look for a preacher." "Honest." "Sonny, I don't know what's gotten into you." "What have you got against him, huh?" "Mary." "Hm?" "Will do please go back to your own room?" "Seduced, abandoned, and she's still an idiot." "Poor Coburn." "Hm." "Girls!" "Here we are!" "Oh, Sonny, baby!" "Are you feeling any better?" "Oh, poor dear." "Let me hold you." "And what did the doctor..." "All right, all right." "That's enough." "That's enough!" "Now go and find a piano player." "I want you to all to get down to work right away and bring me all your money every, morning, eh?" "[INTERPOSING VOICES]" "And when will you be getting up?" "One more thing." "I want to know where Coburn is." "So find out." "Probably he skedaddled by now." "I want to know where's he's gone to." "Now get out of here all of you!" "All of you, go ahead!" "All of you, go ahead!" "CHIP:" "Wowie you're strong!" "[GRUNT]" "But who's stronger!" "You, or a buffalo?" "Ever see a buffalo?" "No, but I got a feeling that you are stronger." "Seeing you feel so sure." "You know something?" "I thought she was pretty nice." "Who?" "Your fiance." "I ain't engaged to nobody." "Then why is she so stuck on you?" "Don't start with all that why business, eh, Chip?" "Sorry, Coburn." "How are you this nice, fine morning?" "[SIGH]" "The lord bless you and keep you." "Good honest work, eh?" "May got grant you the health to keep it up." "Ain't you Sheriff around here?" "The fact is, we've been recently deprived of our pastor Fischer." "Grant him eternal rest." "And those that were his sheep beg to become mine." "Sorry, we don't have any sheep in this place." "Well, I wanted to act as a pastor today, bearing gifts." "Here, it's for you." "For me." "FRANCISCUS:" "Yes." "And candy for the boy..." "Big bite jawbreaker." "No?" "Hm." "Let me put this simply and plainly." "Because simply and plainly... are you paying attention, brother?" "Oh, yeah." "Excuse me, Reverend Sheriff." "Yes, simply and plainly is the best way, as I don't know that Westland is quite the perfect town for little children." "Yes, you're right." "We already ran into some bank robbers." "How's that?" "Uh-huh." "I heard another story." "I heard there was a brawl in the bank started by you." "No, no." "It's not true." "I..." "FRANCISCUS: $1000 is the price we set to buy up the debris, as I can hardly call it the home, can I?" "For the child, may I suggest that he go and be with other good boys in another place?" "Didn't you hear what the Reverend Sheriff said?" "He wants to buy this house." "He'll give you candy, too." "I don't like candy." "[GRUNT]" "I don't like him." "And why does he want it?" "He's offering us $1000." "And this house isn't worth $50." "If he's offering $1000, it's worth more." "My uncle was never wrong." "We could take the $1000 and we'll stay here anyway." "That's dishonest, Coburn." "Uh, the owner isn't selling." " I'm terribly sorry, Mr." " Coburn, for your sake, as I came here hoping I might be able to perform an act of charity." "You don't want it, apparently." "As for the future, may God help you." "I feel that maybe you might need him." "You know, Chip." "We've got to find out what's behind all this." "[COUGH]" "Gad!" "The smoke of Beelzebub." "[COUGHING]" "May I come in?" "Oh, excuse me." "I thought you were the man divine providence has sent us." "But I see I was wrong." "SONNY:" "Oh, no." "You ain't mistaken." "A preacher... just the man I was looking for." "Son, I came up here today hoping you might be able to help me." "But I'm afraid." "And in your condition, you're not capable of performing the small favor I wanted to ask." "Really?" "Now, what small favor do you have in mind?" "The ways of the lord God are infinite." "SONNY:" "Ain't it the truth." "Amen, brother." "Thank you." "An exchange of favors." "I am going to let you and your pretty ladies perform here in the limits of decency." "And you may rid my town of a bad influence." "His name is Coburn." "Do you have to keep up this noise all the time, for God's sake?" "The minute I get off to sleep, you've gone shooting those darn guns again." "Oh, God." "Not again." "A preacher!" "Coburn sent you, right?" "FRANCISCUS:" "Mm, you might say that." "You here that?" "Hell." "I knew Coburn was telling the truth." "Look, why don't you go back to bed and sleep, darling?" "I'll, uh, talk to the pastor, here." "After all, I am the head of the family." "Right, reverend?" "Oh, yes." "Surely, surely." "The almighty will show us the way for you." "You may sleep..." "MARY:" "But I wanted to..." "Mary, go lie down, darling." "Go ahead." "I must say." "This is very puzzling." "I think I missed the point." "Yeah, well maybe it's better that way." "Look, I won't need this." "And I'll take care of Coburn for you." "But you've got to marry her for me please." "I'll be delighted." "Who's the husband to be of this charming lady?" "Coburn." "And as soon as you got them married," "I'll shoot him for you." "No charge at all." "Son, you'll be marching in." "The saints will praise the day." "Amen, brother." "Amen." "Now then, when's the wedding?" "Well, we're going to have to wait a... a little while yet." "But only for a day or two." "Now, I don't want a thing to happen to Coburn at the moment." "And they mustn't be allowed to leave town." "See it Coburn?" "Look at that!" "Ha ha." "MAN:" "Citizens of Westland!" "Keep your mouths closed and open your ears and hear the most amazing money-making offer of all your born days!" "$2 for a bucket of dirt." "That's right, two honest to God greenbacks for one bucket of dirt Read it, folks." "It's written down." "$2!" "It's ridiculous, but it's true." "Two US government dollars for a bucket of dirt!" "It's the offer of a lifetime." "Hey, sir." "That's what I said. $2!" "Can't you keep away from that stuff?" "No sir." "Ain't it kind of hard on the digestion?" "Why should it be?" "$2!" "$2 a bucket." "That's my offer, folks." "And you get to keep the bucket." "All I want is dirt, friends." "And I know you got plenty." "So bring it to me in the saloon." "Don't crowd, Sonny." "You too can be the lucky winner Come one, come all." "Young and old." "If you can handle a shovel and carry a bucket, two bonafide US dollars are yours." "You look like you're worried." "Why?" "What's the matter." "There's a tie between the dirt that fool there is buying and the Sheriff's knack for running folks out of town." "Better get busy around this burg and ask some questions." "[HONKY TONK PIANO]" "Hi, Coburn!" "[INTERPOSING VOICES]" "Oh!" "[INTERPOSING VOICES]" "[INAUDIBLE] girls." "Come on, don't be greedy." "Oh!" "He's cute." "Where'd you get him?" "Truth, he picked me up." "Oh, he's the little sweetest little." "[INAUDIBLE] cutie I ever did see!" "I wish he was mine!" "What's your name, honey?" "Annette, you told Sonny that I made a mistake." "You told him how Mary came to my room and that I thought it was you." "Sure I did, Coburn." "But seeing everybody got to hear about it anyway, well, Sonny says it's a scandal." "And, well, it's got to be put right." "Well, he must be as crazy as a hoot owl." "No, Coburn." "You're wrong." "Mary was a... well, you know." "And her brother's got to defend her, right?" "I guess you were as crazy as he is." "Come on, girls!" "Whisky." "Stuff's home-made." "With the water on the premises?" "You betcha." "I don't want it." "Hey friend." "Any girls around here?" "In town, you mean?" "Uh." "Yeah, but they don't normally come in the saloon." "I know, I know." "But I mean women." "Sure, over there." "No, those girls that do just a little bit business." "You know, around town." "How's that again?" "Chip, why don't you go dig a bucket of dirt and maybe that old nut will give you a couple of dollars for it." "I get what you mean." "Come on." "WOMAN:" "What do you want?" "I'd like to come in and talk with you." "Hm." "That's what they all say." "It's the truth." "I need, well, some..." "Some information." "You don't have nothing to be scared about." "I'll just sit down here." "It's better here, I think." "Much better." "Information, I think it was you said." "Um, well, I'm new here in town." "And, well, I..." "I use a bit of filling in." "You probably know the right people here real good." "Made friends here." "I mean, I think that... well, you must know about every man in town by now." "WOMAN:" "If there's anything I do for you..." "Well, someone in this dried-up waterhole keeps trying to run people out of town." "Oh, brother." "You're telling me." "What are you talking about?" "Franciscus." "He's the judge, the preacher, and Sheriff." "Franciscus is judge here, too?" "WOMAN:" "Yeah, since the old judge died." "Poor McClairen." "He was a pretty good friend of mine." "Mm, God rest his bones." "COBURN:" "Then there's something here in Westland that has a pretty special interest for Brother Francisus." "Hey, when you get talking here with your friends, you know, don't they ever discuss business?" "Never." "But that don't stop me from getting an idea occasionally." "Come on." "Tell me." "Gold." "What else could it be?" "Of course." "It must be gold." "They're looking for the vein... the deposits!" "Heh." "Uh, excuse me, Mrs..." "Warren." "Oh, Warren." "You are nice, you are." "Pretty also, yeah." "Well, thank you for everything." "Wait, big boy." "Yeah?" "[LAUGHTER]" "Next!" "Let's see it!" "Would you see that!" "Is it sweet?" "I've never seen anything like that before." "[INTERPOSING VOICES]" "What's the matter?" "That's good [INAUDIBLE]" "Yeah, that's exactly what it tastes like." "Next, please." "There he goes again." "Yes, this is it." "All right." "Very good!" "Yep." "What's your name?" "CLEM:" "Uh, Clem Sawyer." "Clem Sawyer." "Yeah, put that there." "He must have the tastiest dirt in town!" "Much obliged!" "Next?" "Next!" "No, only one, son." "Hm." "Good!" "Very good!" "Hold that, honey." "This is the real thing!" "What's your name, son!" "Where are you from?" "Chip Anderson, Welldigger's Roost." "MAN:" "Ah, do tell." "What's going on?" "What are you doing?" "All right, old timer." "Pack up and go home." "No wait, you don't understand!" "Get out of here!" "Skedaddle, son." "No, I told you to clear out." "Hold it." "One thing I can't stand is to see a man pushing a kid around." "Oh, can't you?" "Well, let's get started on someone that's grown up." "Well?" "I remember you!" "Come on, Coburn!" "Hit him!" "[INTERPOSING VOICES]" "CHIP:" "Faster, faster!" "Got him, Coburn!" "Hooray!" "Coburn, [INAUDIBLE]" "Watch out, Coburn!" "[GUNSHOT]" "No, Big Jim." "Please excuse him, Mr. Coburn." "Jim is part Irish and part Injun, so he's apt to get a nice [INAUDIBLE] Pray the lord will help you keep your temper from now." "You can breathe easier, Coburn." "Nobody will bother you." "Not while I'm still mayor." "Come on, Chip." "FRANCISCUS:" "Oh yes, the little boy." "Don't worry." "He'll be protected." "He's right, we could use more lads like him." "Fine boy." "Mm-hm." "Hey." "Where's my horse gone to?" "Who took him?" "They were your men!" "I saw them here before!" "Did you?" "You're not only bright, but you've got sharp eyes." "COBURN:" "Were they your men?" "Uh, yes they were." "I must say, there was no harm intended." "We want you both to stay." "You mean it?" "First you want to chase me out of here." "And now..." "It's nothing serious." "Just to settle that business at the bank." "And don't forget what happened just now." "Because you could get put in jail for less." "[GRUNT]" "But I know what type of person you are." "And you're not about to try anything like skipping town." "Ain't it a fact?" "How are you going to make it without a horse?" "There's no trouble about that." "There's a railroad." "There should be two, right?" "According to your uncle." "Oh yeah, sure." "Don't worry, Chip." "They won't lay a finger on you." "We've got the Sheriff on our side." "Oh, I'm sure you'll be all right." "Didn't you notice the change that's come over the Sheriff?" "I know you've got to go." "That brother-in-law of yours is going to get better sooner or later." "Brother-in-law, huh?" "Well, that's what you say." "Sorry, Coburn." "COBURN:" "Come on, now." "Here you are." "Eat." "Where will you be going?" "Far as I can get from here." "12,500 miles." "That isn't far." "Why ain't it far?" "This is the earth, OK?" "Do you know that the earth is round?" "No." "Well, we're here." "The farthest place you can get is here, huh?" "As soon as you take another step, you start coming back." "Then there's Mary." "You like her, don't you?" "COBURN:" "Course I like her." "Why don't you marry her?" "Oh, it's one thing just to like a girl, but another thing to marry them." "Explain." "Oh shut up, won't you?" "If I shut up, how can I finish my dinner?" "Blah blah blah blah." "We'll make a bet." "Man to man." "If you win, you get to talk all you want." "If I win, you don't get to open your mouth again before tomorrow morning." "You here?" "All right, Coburn." "Now, you were just drawing me circles, hm?" "Now Chip, which is longer?" "This, or around here?" "Well, that's easy." "Anybody knows that the longest is the perimeter of the base." "Peri-what?" "Ah." "Well, talk all you want." "CHIP:" "No matter." "I won't bother you because I'm going to bed." "Good night, Coburn." "Well, everybody's a Sheriff here." "[INAUDIBLE] ya." "Thanks for bringing back my horse." "[GUNS COCKING]" "Hey, what do you want?" "But why have they got you tied up?" "To restrain my enthusiasm." "That's no way to get married." "You were the one to tell him!" "And you tied him up!" "I saw you." "We're in church, my boy." "We don't talk." "Well, this morning, you're both convened here to be united in rightful wedlock..." "Mary Bronston and, uh, Coburn." "Coburn, hm." "Your first name?" "I got the contract right here, Reverend!" "Ah, you brought it with you." "That makes everything legal." "Now then... ah, the Lord shows us the true way." "Now, do you, Mary Bronston, take for your lawful husband." "Hiram Coburn, here present?" "Yes, yes, oh yes!" "My dear, I'm most happy to hear it." "And you, Hiram Coburn, take for your lawful wife Mary Bronston, here present?" "Hm?" "Well, yes." "You see?" "It's painless." "Well, as county justice of the peace," "I pronounce you man and wife." "Good." "Now, dearly beloved, let us proceed to the religious service." "Forget it!" "Forget it." "It's OK just as it is." "What?" "Have you gone completely out of your mind?" "I want to be married by the preacher." "And I said that's enough!" "Untie him!" "For the Lord's sake, Sonny." "Don't go on like that." "He's my husband now, isn't he?" "Sonny, I beg you." "Will you stop all that hate and bitterness please?" "Get back to your room!" "Please take a walk." "Outside." "What do I do with this?" "Sorry about your wedding night." "Sorry about mine." "Good luck, Chip." "Just a minute." "What do you want?" "CHIP:" "You can't kill him now." "I can't?" "No, you can't." "Coburn isn't only your sister's husband." "He's the father of your nephew." "Nephew?" "[CHUCKLING]" "What nephew?" "She's expecting a baby." "Is that true, Mary?" "Yes, he's right." "Now, hold on." "Yes?" "I guess you've forgotten we made a deal." "I made it, I thought, with a gentleman." "You're right." "Now I'm going to teach you a lesson so that you never forget your brother-in-law." "No, Sonny!" "Stop it!" "You must stop this dreadful imposition." "You're both Christian!" "MARY:" "No!" "Stop it!" "[INTERPOSING VOICES]" "[SCREAM]" "[GASP]" "Sonny!" "[LAUGHTER]" "You animal!" "I'll take care of you, you beast!" "Oh, Sonny!" "Sonny!" "Where are you?" "Help me!" "Oh, somebody help me!" "Please!" "Well now you know why I didn't want to get married." "Oh, Sonny." "Oh, darling." "How do you feel?" "Hey, he broke my cigar." "[LAUGHTER]" "[BELL RINGING]" "Hey." "Hey, she getting in?" "Getting in?" "The train." "Oh... hm?" "Then what about the bell?" "[LAUGHTER]" "[BELL RINGING]" "Well, that bell goes ding a ling a ling." "Well, when's the next train coming in?" "Are you going west?" "Yeah, west is all right with me." "Oh." "Well, when's she get in?" "West?" "Never." "Well, the east is all the same to me." "Oh." "Follow me, then." "[SINGING INCOHERENTLY]" "Yep, this is the road where that big old locomotive was supposed to highball it here and go..." "[TRAIN SOUNDS]" "Boom." "And she's standing there waiting forever." "Nobody goes east." "Two companies." "It was a question of competition, monopoly, and position." "The usual dirty politics." "Yes sir, I tell you that's what it was." "That's all." "I say, kill them all." "All of them." "They all must go!" "Then we could take over the world!" "Not one crook left." "Not one, hear?" "No, no." "Then a man will really be able to drink in peace." "Two railroads, huh?" "That's what your uncle told me... your sainted uncle who was never wrong and in his whole life." "Hey." "You knew all the time there were no railroads." "You mean you would doubt my uncle?" "No railroads anywhere." "No horses in the whole town." "Even mine's disappeared!" "Eh." "But there's the mule." "I'll go on that." "Anything." "Sit down and have something to eat before you go." "Chip told me you haven't had anything since the other night." "I'm not hungry." "Why are you eating, then?" "Because I'm nervous." "Is there any way to eat your dinner?" "Will you please sit down and eat like a proper and civilized person?" "Mary, you know you're a married woman, now." "Nobody can say those awful things about you anymore." "So will you just let me eat the way I want to?" "Like a hog?" "Yeah, like a hog." "Because it's the way I like eating, understand?" "We're only just married!" "And that's no way to talk to your wife!" "I never want to set eyes on you ever again!" "And what's more, a husband goes to bed with his wife!" "I didn't promise to do that." "Hey you." "Why didn't you kill me?" "Because I want to see you suffer." "But don't worry." "I'll kill you soon as he's 21." "COBURN:" "Who?" "The kid." "What kid?" "CHIP: [LAUGHTER]" "You're the father." "What the..." "Yeah." "Uncle Sonny." "Heh." "Scuse me." "I don't eat with hogs." "Heh." "Heh." "Nope." "Chip Anderson." "Welldigger's Roost." "Hm." "Ah!" "That's it!" "I found it." "Yeah." "Oh!" "Chip Anderson, Welldigger's Roost." "I found it at last." "Hey!" "I found it!" "I found it!" "Chip Anderson!" "[LAUGHTER]" "Oh, happy day!" "Here we are." "[PANTING]" "Hey, Chip." "Open up!" "Ah, there you are, young fella." "Hi." "What do you want?" "Good morning to you, my boy." "May I... may I come in?" "What do you want?" "Some more dirt?" "Oh, no." "I mean, yes." "Me, in a way, well, I suppose I do." "Well, may I?" "Come in." "[LAUGHTER]" "You see, I thought I might stay." "Here." "Yep, and settle down in Westland." "[CHUCKLES]" "And so I took a look around." "And I saw this nice little house of yours." "Heh heh." "Ey, you are the owner of this place here, aren't you?" "I sure am." "Ah." "That's mighty fine." "I like this house." "I really do." "It's light and airy." "And there's no noise and a fine little garden." "I'm an old man now and I like a bit of peace and quiet to end my days." "You know what I mean, son?" "You want to buy it?" "Ah, hey." "Good morning." "Is he a relative of yours?" "No, my partner." "Ah." "Glad to know you." "I was just saying, heh heh, as to how" "I'd like to... to buy this house." "[SIGH]" "Yeah." "Well, I could make you, hm, an offer of, hm, I don't know." "Let's say, well, $5000?" "What you say?" "$5000?" "Uh-huh." "What are you looking for?" "Nothing, nothing." "Just peace and quiet, nothing more." "Like I told the boy." "You know, your uncle was right." "Your fortune is here in Westland." "He said $5000, huh?" "I heard." "We're not selling." "[SIGH]" "He heard you, but he's not selling." "Well." "Well, now." "Let's see." "If I was really pressed, and as a great sacrifice..." "Huh?" "I..." "I'll give you one final offer." "Huh?" "$10,000." "[GASP]" "[MUMBLING]" "No?" "Aw." "[BABY CRYING]" "Now we can go on with the ceremony." "Bless this fine new boy, this fledgling arrival to our flourishing parish." "Whoa now." "Whoa." "What name shall we baptize the baby with?" "John." "John." "No, Alfred." "No, John." "Alfred." "I might be able to accommodate both of you." "Now, I would say John Alfred." "I hereby baptize this boy with the name of..." "[INAUDIBLE] found what he wanted." "I'm sorry, I have to go." "MOTHER:" "But pastor!" "FATHER:" "Emily, let me have Alfred." "Where's big Jim?" "In the saloon." "MOTHER:" "We're naming him John." "FATHER:" "Alfred!" "And we're going home." "[HONKY TONK PIANO]" "Jim!" "Jim!" "Ah, pay a visit to Coburn." "Now pour it in." "Nothing." "That old man wanted to give us $10,000." "Yeah, he wanted to, Chip." "And there's no gold." "What are they looking for around here?" "BIG JIM:" "I'm Looking for you." "Oh, it's you again." "Well, what do you want?" "If you're a man, defend yourself." "Come on." "If you can't remember the last time, I can help you out." "Pick up the gun." "I'll count to 10." "[LAUGHTER]" "One." "Two." "Three." "Coburn doesn't have a pistol and can't shoot!" "BIG JIM:" "Four." "Yeah, ain't that too bad." "Five." "Well, seeing I'm back in business again, uh... $100?" "Six." "How much?" "$200?" "SONNY:" "Uh-uh." "Seven." "One third of Welldigger's Roost." "One third." "You're a crock!" "Eight." "Nine." "Stop the count." "You keep your big nose out of this." "Now look, I ain't got a big nose." "I've got a little one." "But I'm sticking it in anyway." "Now, you get out of here or I'm going to drill you an extra button hole, you hear?" "I got plenty of button holes." "SONNY:" "Now get out of here." "Run!" "Thank you, brother." "You're welcome, partner." "And you too, you little midget." "Can't a body have a bit of peace about here for a single minute?" "Get inside." "And wash up for lunch." "You too, Chip." "[HONKY TONK PIANO]" "[CLAPPING]" "[MUSIC STOPS]" "[GOOSE CALL]" "FRANCISCUS:" "Coburn?" "Sonny." "He's helping the boy to avoid trouble." "I want him out right now." "Come here!" "Now listen carefully, boys." "This is what we've got a do." "Come on, everybody." "Come with me." "It's all right." "We've got permission." "Sam!" "OK." "Come on." "[INAUDIBLE] you stay here and watch." "All right." "[MUSIC PLAYING]" "No, Mary." "Wait, I can't quite get the hang of this fandanoing." "I can't tell my left foot from my right." "Oh, you're a fine dancer, Coburn." "Hm." "And you're sure making me proud and happy." "Eh." "Now, don't you go getting ribe and sour with me." "I know you love me." "Is that right?" "Mm-hm!" "[MUMBLE]" "That's enoguh." "Now, don't you go tiring yourself." "You've got to think of the baby!" "[GASP] I do!" "Come on." "Hey." "Mmm." "Heh." "Hm." "Come on!" "Hey Chip." "Go on, dance." "One day, you're going to find yourself ruined for the rest of your life." "[LAUGHTER]" "Oh, don't take any notice of what Coburn tells you." "He's as grumbly, grouchy, and crotchety as an old bear." "So all and all, I think you'll make a good husband." "The only trouble will be when he finds out I'm not [INAUDIBLE] way." "Sooner or later, women get children, don't they?" "Yes, Chip." "You're right!" "I will be." "Hey." "Look at your brother." "[SIGH]" "Honey, why are you cleaning your gun here at my party!" "What do you need them for, anyway?" "Well, you never can tell." "I don't want to end up like..." "[CLICK]" "Like Coburn." "[GUN SOUND EFFECT]" "Women and children inside!" "Go ahead and shoot the two of them." "Don't stand there gaping." "Shoot!" "[INTERPOSING VOICES]" "Why can't you hit them, for god's sake?" "Shoot them!" "Shoot them, I tell you!" "[INTERPOSING VOICES]" "Faster, Sonny!" "Coburn [INAUDIBLE]" "Fight, Coburn!" "Hey, like the party?" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Oh!" "Hey!" "I told you not to look anymore!" "OLD MAN:" "Eh?" "Eh?" "Uh." "It's oil!" "Oil!" "Ah." "[LAUGHTER]" "Hey kid, come out here!" "Yahoo!" "Look at that [INAUDIBLE] Hey, Chip!" "Look at your will!" "Oh boy, look at that stuff!" "Look at that!" "Thank you, father!" "Thank you!" "There you are." "You're millionaires now!" "You finally caught on, huh?" "That's oil!" "What's oil?" "There's another word for that." "[BLECH]" "Yeah, but what a beautiful for a..." "[BLECH]" "What the devil is all this filth?" "It must be your doing, Coburn!" "Can't you just brawl like other men No." "You have to go and get yourself messed up and make a hog of yourself." "Just look at that filth!" "Hello, you all." "It's us, Sonny!" "We're leaving!" "Yeah, I'm coming." "I'm coming!" "Oh, now Sonny's girls on top of everything!" "Hey." "Where are you going?" "Now that you're married to my sister," "I'm going to have some fun." "And seeing that from now on, you're going to be wishing you were dead," "I ain't going to kill you anymore." "WOMAN:" "Come on, Sonny." "Let's go." "You can't go!" "Stop him somebody!" "Beverly." "Why oh why did I have to have a brother like that?" "Take care of my one third, you hear?" "WOMAN:" "Are you coming or not, Sonny?" "The moment my back is turned, you start making trouble!" "It's a complete disaster." "My party's ruined... ruined!" "Well, don't just stand there, you fool!" "Can't you put a plug in that darn well?" "Can't you?" "Uh, Sonny..." "Sonny, hold on." "Wait a minute." "Heh." "Uh, I must say." "You beat me at my own game." "But let me make a suggestion." "We join forces and work together, all right?" "Hey, you ride in the back." "Heh heh." "[LAUGHTER]" "No." "And you ruined the party all by yourself." "You got everything messed up." "Heh." "[OOING]" "Hot stuff, eh?" "WOMAN:" "Goodbye, Chip!" "[INTERPOSING VOICES]" "WOMAN:" "Have fun!" "Bye-bye!" "Bye!" "That's what you wanted, wasn't it?" "Ruining my housewarming party." "You oaf!" "You dirty, no good skunk." "That's all you are!" "A monster." "That's what you are!" "A heartless monster!" "OK" "She wasn't expecting a baby." "But there is no baby." "We lied to y But you can't do that." "This situation, I sure can." "Yeah." "Can do, amigo." "MARY:" "No, Coburn!" "I didn't mean it!" "I got carried away!" "No don't, Coburn!" "You can't do this!" "[GLASS SHATTERING]" "Remember, Coburn." "I'm your wife!" "Exactly."