"♪♪ [Classical]" "I tell you, you've got nothing to worry about." " The plane is perfectly safe." " Can I have... " " It ran a little low on gas when it got into all that fog, that's all." " Thank you." "So they had to set down in... - Give me that one again, Max." "A rooster?" "Oh, Aroostook." "Aroostook." "And where is Aroostook supposing to be it shouldn't happen?" "It's in the general neighborhood of Nova Scotia." "And from this general neighborhood, maybe you can tell me... how tonight at philharmonic he is a concert conducting?" "By "telewision,"I am presuming." "Is it a very bad fog?" " Make him tell me the truth, Hugo." " Of course it ain't." " Don't worry, honey." " [Man] It's hardly a fog at all, madam." "It's..." " It's more of a mist, really." "More of a... " " Yes, Max?" " Just something to make the engines run better." " Don't worry, darling." " Correction, please." " [Woman] What is it?" " It was not Aroostook." "It was Antigonish." "And where is this mudhole, if I ain't too optimistic?" "In the general neighborhood of Nova Scotia, I believe." " [Hugo] What a neighborhood." " Hugo, do try to find out." " Correction, please." " Shh." "It turns out it wasn't Antigonish after all." "It was Apohaqui." "And it didn't get there, it left there." " Apohaqui!" " Then where is it now?" "In the general neighborhood of Nova Scotia." "Where else?" "[Man] Far, far from it, my friend." "As a matter of fact, there it is, coming in..." " Hooray!" " Directly behind you right now." " What an airline." " There is one reassuring thing about airplanes..." " they always come down." " Come on, stupid." "[Bell Dings]" "[Hugo] Am I glad to see you, Alfie." "Again Wolfgang is sick." "So our concert got to be shoved up." "Tonight we are giving it yet." "Did you think of me every night?" "Of course I did, my love." "Did you take my picture to bed with you?" "Of course I did, my darling." "Are they kidding?" "If she wasn't my own sister, I'd have a name for her that'd make... " "Dream of me after you went to sleep?" "Every single night, my love." " Only I..." " I didn't sleep very well." " Will somebody get me an ice pack?" "Put 'em back on your nose and learn something." "At least did you get some rest on the plane last night?" " Frankly, not a particle." " Oh." "Then I'm going to take you right straight home... put you into a nice hot tub... " "I really don't think they ought to do this in public." "Of course, it's better to do it in public than not to do it at all." "[Woman] And then we'll have our little nap." "And then I'll wake you up with a nice frosted bottle of brut champagne." "I found same Pol Roger '34." " And then... " " You see, some men just naturally... make you think of brut champagne." " With others, you think of prune juice." " [Laughs]" "You have nothing to laugh at." "So then you'll go down and rehearse your men." " Oughtn't that to be time enough, Hugo?" " Look... it ain't as if you was a rehearser anyway." "He's a hypnotist." "Out of what dogs have I seen him coax it out of." "Of course it'll be soon enough." "It's the men who really count." "All I do is wave a little wand a little, and out comes the music." "A little magic wand, darling, dipped in a little stardust." "[Bell Dings]" "♪♪ ["Jingle Bells"]" " ♪♪ [Cranks, Stops] - [Speaks Foreign Language]" "Don't that drive you nuts, always leaving you hanging up on the meat hook like that?" "[Man] I confess, it is quite irritating, sir." "I suppose I ought to wake him up if he's gonna see anyone before the concerts." "Oh, give him a couple of minutes." "Ain't you ever been in love?" "♪ Da, da, da, da, da, dee ♪" "♪ Da, da, da, dee ♪" " ♪♪ [Piano Continues] - [Knocking]" " I'm so sorry." " Oh, isn't it customary to knock before coming into a bedroom?" " Or am I just old-fashioned?" " I did knock, Sir Alfred." " Extremely sorry." "I didn't hear you." " I just wanted to make sure you were awake... and ask you what to do about the morning delegation of crackpots." "Oh, dear." "Among them a lady reporter who wants to know why you conduct with a stick." "What's she expect me to use, an umbrella?" " She says Stokie uses just his hands." " Ah, but they're so beautiful." "So large." "So white." "So free and easy on the draw." "Mine look more like nutcrackers." " Here, darling." " Thank you, sweetheart." "She also wants to know why you conduct from a score." "Because I can actually read music." "I also play an instrument, the flageolet." " Don't forget to tell her that." " Certainly, Sir Alfred." " I'll get you a light." " Thanks." "Also, Mr. Pedasta, your concert master, would like to discuss with you... the fingering in the fourth, fifth and sixth bars before letter "H';... in the Tannhaeuser overture." "Oh, dear." "The fingering's standard." "What's the matter with him?" "He says because it's the Paris version with the Venusberg music." " Do you want the French fingering?" " That old story." "Tell Mr. Pedasta I'll walk with him to the rehearsal and discuss it on the way." " I've got to get dressed now." " Certainly, Sir Alfred." "Then there is a citizen who wants you to endow... the De Carter Foundation for the Diffusion of Serious Music." "Well, throw him out." "Nothing serious about music." "It should be enjoyed flat on the back with a sandwich in one hand... and a bucket of beer in the other and as many pretty girls around as possible." " Oh, Tony, if you repeat one word of this stuff." " I won't." "You know, the only trouble with you is I never feel like getting up..." "I never feel like getting dressed..." "I never feel like going out into the world to wrestle it and bring it to its knees." "I think the successful, energetic men must all have been married to women who looked like... " "Oh." "Well, I will now leap into a cold shower." " [Doorbell Buzzes]" " I'll take it." "Some flowers for Lady de Carter." " Oh, how nice." " [Hugo] I'll take 'em." "Say..." " Oh, there you are." " Give him a dollar, Hugo." " A dollar?" "Well, it's only 62 and one-half cents, you know, at the moment." " There's 62 and a half cents for you." " Thank you, Sir Alfred." "I'll pretend it's a dollar." " [Speaking Foreign Language]" " I wonder who sent her these." "Why don't you grab yourself a look and treat yourself to a surprise?" "'Cause it's none of my business." "They're probably from some poor devil... who was madly in love with her, nearly perished when she married me... and once a year, on the anniversary of their last farewell... sends her this little bunch of snapdragons." " Or could they be hollyhocks?" " In this box it could be a skeleton." " He could've sent himself." " Don't be gruesome, Hugo." " Oh, I see they came, Sir Alfred." " Hmm?" "I tried to get all long-stemmed roses... but they must have filled out with a few chrysanthemums." "Oh, these are the flowers that I..." " Lovely!" "That you asked me to send on the way in this morning." " Of course." " I scratched out the name on one of your cards... and wrote instead, "For my love."" "Remarkably efficient." "Thank you very much." "And have this razor honed for me, will you?" " It's duller than one of my brother-in-law's jokes." " Certainly, Sir Alfred." " Mr. Henschler is on his way up, by the way." " Oh, what does he want?" " He did not inform me." " I've already seen him once today." "I mean, just 'cause he's married to my wife's sister doesn't entitle him to... " " Really, what a bore he is." " Look, he's got one hundred million dollars." "Don't be expecting also Mickey Mouse." "I have a few million myself, you know." "It doesn't entitle me to... " "You ain't got a hundred million." "It's that last zither that cooks the goose." "That miser." "Every fur coat he gives his wife he inherited from his grandmother." "Every pearl from his aunt." "Every diamond from his blasted... " " Stop." "You're breaking my heart." " It's silly of me to allow him to annoy me so... but do I haunt his hotel constantly sending messages I'm on my way up to see him?" "Do I use the vaguest of all relationships... two strangers who marry sisters, as a wedge for the purpose of... " "Mr. August Henschler, sir." "Good morning again, August." "I've never seen you looking better." " Well, I, uh... " " Do you want to see me alone or in committee?" "Or is it really necessary for you to see me at all?" "Well, if it wouldn't be too much trouble... - Good morning." "How do you do?" "Remember, you have a lot of other jerks... waiting for you in front room after you get through in here." "I'll take the razor down to the barbershop." "Now, my dear August, what happy updraft wafts you hither?" "Thank you." "Now let me see." "How to begin." " At the beginning." " [Chuckles] Yes, quite so." "You are no doubt aware, Alfred, that I have a deep sense of family obligation." "I wasn't aware of it, but I'm willing to take your word for it." " We are brothers-in-law, aren't we?" " I'm afraid we are." "There's not a blasted thing we can do about it." "Oh?" "It may come as quite a shook to you to realize that I don't actually relish... being your brother-in-law any more than you relish being mine." " No?" " Yes." "In the first place, I hate music, which doesn't relieve me from having to snore... through every confounded soiree that you promulgate." " Soiree." " Precisely." "And in the second place, I am embarrassed about the product... that your family made its money out of." " And in the third place... " " Just as good as sucking mortgages, if you should happen to ask me." "It may be, but I prefer mortgages." "And lastly, as a humble American... the only titles that I have any use for... are in my vault in the Guaranty Title and Trust Company." "I see." "Well, you have my deepest sympathy, August... but I am a baronet, I am a bandleader... and my family's product has kept England on time since Waterloo." "There it is." "Now, if I may inquire again for the reason for this happy visitation." "I'll come to the point at once." "When you left for England... and asked me to keep an eye on your wife during your absence... " " Keep an eye on my wife?" " I naturally accepted in the same spirit... that I'd expect you to display had I asked you to keep an eye on my wife..." " while taking off, let us say, for Zanzibar." " When are you leaving?" " I said "if."" " Oh." "What I didn't know, and I don't see very well how I could have... was that my dear mother, who is probably public hypochondriac number one... would wire me the same day asking me to join her in Palm Beach..." " because of a slight indisposition." " Oh, I'm distressed to hear it." "I suppose she's related to me also in some way." " So faintly it's hardly worth mentioning." " Good." " I'm sorry anyway." " Oh, we're quite used to it." "If it isn't one part of her that's ailing, it's another." "And she seems to have so many parts, for a woman of her age, that is." "However, to return to our muttons... - you asked me to keep an eye on your wife... and I assure you that had it been possible for me to do so, I would gladly have done so." "I don't doubt it for a second." "But if it was any trouble, or inconvenient in any way... " "Nothing is too much trouble for the busy man." "If you ever want anything done, always ask the busy man." "The others never have time." "Now, you asked me to keep an eye on your wife, and I assure you that... " "You keep repeating "keep an eye on your wife," as if it had some special meaning." "I don't know that you're leading up to, but for some reason I feel my back hair rising." "Well, you see Alfred, being a little nearsighted, I couldn't keep an eye on her from Palm Beach." "Nevertheless, I did not fail you." "Again, something's happening to my back hair." "I don't recollect saying anything to you at the airport except possibly good-bye." "But if I did say keep an eye on my wife for me, I meant see if she's lonely some evening." "And if she is, take her to the movies, you and Barbara." "But you didn't say that." "You said, "Keep an eye on my wife for me."" "Well, supposing I did, how could you do it from Palm Beach?" " With detectives." " With detectives." "With detectives!" "You stuffed moron!" "Control yourself, Alfred." "Control yourself." "This is entirely uncalled for." "Kindly release my scarf." "You dare to inform me you had vulgar footpads in snap-brim fedoras... sluicing after my beautiful wife?" "I believe it's called "sleuthing." Kindly let go of my shirt." "You're tearing it." "There's nothing to be so upset about." "I merely had her tailed." "You merely had her what?" "I give you my solemn word, August... if I don't regain control of myself in a few minutes, concert or no concert..." "I'll take this candelabrum, and I'll beat that walnut you use for a head into a nutburger..." " I believe they're called." " Please try to k-k-keep cool, Alfred." "K-K-Keep cool, Alfred, my sainted aunt!" "I am outraged!" " Please, Alfred." " Low as my opinion has always been of you... little as I ever expected of chivalry or even common dignity... today you've sunk below even yourself." "This is the sewer, the nadir of good manners." "I really think you're exaggerating a little, Alfred." "I've always used detectives to some extent, and so has my whole family." "One of my aunts even married one, although I admit she was elderly at the time." "Then your whole family is contaminated." "No man who employs detectives should ever be disappointed." "I hope every time you've engaged these vermin... you've discovered that you had antlers out to here, that you were the laughingstock of the city... that you came crawling out of the agency, your face aflame... your briefcase stuffed with undeniable evidence of your multiple betrayal... dishonor dripping from your ears like garlands of seaweed." "I forgive your insults on the grounds that you are excited." "I forbid you to forgive me anything on any grounds whatsoever... and I may still punch you in the nose at any instant!" "Get out of here and never speak to me again unless it's in some public place... where your silence might cause comment or embarrassment to our wives!" "Oh, dear." "I don't imagine that you'd be much interested in the operator's report." " Yes, I would!" " Although it contained a couple of passages..." " that I, for one... " " That you for one what?" "Now get out of here before I do the same to you." "I suppose I'll see you at the concert this evening." "I've already bought two tickets." "I suppose so." "I'm usually there on the nights I conduct." "I see." "[Door Opens, Closes]" "[Clattering]" "What is that supposed to be?" "You angel." "It's supposed to contain flowers." "It might easily turn out to be a rowing machine." "[Sighs] You sweet love." "Well, I just wonder where we're going to find anything big enough to put them in." " I wonder if the kitchen would have anything." " You really do love me, don't you?" " What?" " You really do love me, don't you?" "I don't know what I'd be doing here if I didn't." "I don't either." "By the way, you didn't do anything you shouldn't while I was away, did you?" "I mean, like, falling in love with anyone else, or anything like that." "How could I fall in love with anyone else when you took my heart with you?" "No man ever had a better answer than that." "Will you meet me at La Lotte's about 1:00 on the way to lunch?" " La Lotte's?" "What for?" " 'Cause you haven't a thing to wear." "I'd like to buy you a little something." "Would you do that for me?" " But, darling, I have closets full of... " " And then lunch with me?" "[Sighs] Of course I will." "But I don't really need a thing." " I have... " " It says here in very small type." " I'll see you at La Lotte's." " All right, darling." "♪♪ [Classical]" "♪♪ [Surges]" "♪♪ [Ends]" "[Alfred] And now, gentlemen, merely to follow the wishes clearly expressed by the composer... pizzicato con molto vibrato." "Like a dentist chipping out an old filling." " [Laughing] - ♪♪ [Resumes]" "♪♪ [Humming With Melody]" "Keep playing, gentlemen." "I don't want to waste your time." " Dr. Schultz." " Yes, Sir Alfred?" "Yours is my favorite instrument in the entire orchestra." "I've been looking at you, but I can't hear you." "I was afraid of being a little loud, Sir Alfred." "You know, vulgar." "As a small boy I was learned always never to be vulgar." "Be vulgar, by all means, but let me hear that brazen laugh." "♪♪ [Cymbals Crash]" "[Chuckling]" "[Laughing]" " ♪♪ [Continues, Faint]" " Okay." "Follow your nose to first door... open door, walk through, come to wall, stop." "♪♪ [Humming With Melody]" "Shh." "♪♪ [Cymbals Crash]" "♪♪ [Cymbals Crash]" "♪♪ [Cymbals Crash]" "♪♪ [Ends]" "Splendid, gentlemen." "Splendid." "It's already much too good for them." "[Laughing]" "Besides which I've got an appointment with a beautiful young lady." " I'll see you later." " [Chattering]" "♪♪ [Humming]" "This gentleman says he has something for you." " He's from the hotel." " And I ain't a gentleman." "I'm the detective there." " You remember me, don't you, Sir Alfred?" " Yes, I think I've seen you skulking around." "You're what's known as the house dick, aren't you?" "That's me." "Can I see you alone a minute?" "I suppose so." "I shan't enjoy it." "[Sighs] Hot work." "I'd like to make this alone, if it's all the same to you, buddy." "Oh, very well." " [Man] Beautiful music, sir." " [Alfred] Thank you." "Just beautiful." "Thank you very much, Jules." "Now what do you want?" "I'm sorry to sound sharp... but I feel extremely unsympathetic towards all detectives this morning." "All in the line of duty for me, boss." "Just shows you the kind of service we're giving you at the Towers, that's all." "We don't know just how it got in the hall." "We're investigating that." "But we found it and saved it for you." "It's a detective's operator's report." " I glued it together myself." " I see." " You, uh, read it, I presume?" " Just enough to glue it together." "I see." "You concluded that when I tear papers up into small bits... and throw the bits into a wastebasket and kick the wastebasket out of the door... it's because I wish to keep the papers that go to make up the document, correct?" "Well, we didn't know, Sir Alfred." "The head maid seen this basket come flying out... and she called me, and I just used my own judgment, that's all." "Very astute." "Do you customarily shove your nose this deep into other people's business?" " Look, boss, as far as I'm concerned... " " Have you a match, at least?" " Huh?" " A match." "One of those little wooden things... that you strike on the side of a box." " Yes, sir." " Light it, please." "Yes, sir." "Now get it going well." "That's fine." "Now hold it steady." " Nix, boss." " You see?" "It was very important to me." "Cut it out, boss." "Take it easy, will you?" " I hope you don't know any way of bringing it back to life this time." " No, sir." "Now watch closely." "You see?" "Now why don't you go back to your work at the hotel." "There may be some important things for you to do... like spying on decent people through looking through keyholes... and standing on ladders and picking through the garbage." "Look, boss, I'm sorry." "I only meant to... " " Look out!" " [Fire Roaring]" "[Groaning] Ow!" "Ow!" "I'll get something." " You'd better come out, Jules." "There's been a bit of trouble here." " I'll get the extinguisher, sir." "[Chattering]" "[Alarm Blaring]" "[Yelling]" "Turn on the water!" "I am turning it on." "[No Audible Dialogue]" "Watch what you're doing!" " [Siren Blaring]" " I'll be careful." "Bring it over here." "Not over there!" "Over here!" " I've got it!" " [Yelling]" "Wonderful." "Beautiful." "Would you take the telephone, please?" "It's Sir Alfred." " Oh, thank you." " What a lollipop." "Hello." "Hello, sweetie love." "Where are you?" "You're late." "I'm dreadfully sorry." "There's been a little excitement down here." "I'll join you as soon as I get into some dry trousers." "Darling, I can't hear a thing you're saying with all those bells going off." "Some silly ass set fire to my dressing room." "Uh, who'd you say set fire to it?" "No." "He set fire to it himself." " Insurance." " Oh, shh." "I said if you see anything pretty, be sure to buy it." " But I don't want to buy anything." " Well, buy several." "It's always nice to have a change." "And I've told Tony to pick you up for lunch." "Are you the party that started this "confloration"?" "Yes." "Just one minute, Colonel." "I've just got to answer some questions, darling." "There's a nobleman in a white hat waiting outside the booth for me." "You didn't get in any trouble, did you?" "I'll come right over." " You didn't get burned?" " What are you talking... " "On the contrary, I'm sloshing wet, and I don't think I'm in the slightest trouble." "Uh, I'll be with you in one second, General." "Good-bye, my darling." "I'll join you at the earliest possible moment." "♪♪ [Classical]" " Hello, Annie." " Hello, Sir Alfred." "Thank you." "[Chattering, Laughing]" " Hello, Louie." "Is my bride here?" " Certainly, Sir Alfred." "She's in 44." " [No Audible Dialogue]" " Hi, darling." " I think I'll have a quick brandy." " Certainly, Sir Alfred." " I was in a slight fire." " Sir?" " Put that on my check, will you?" " Yes, sir." " [Man] Conduisez monsieur au 44." " Thank you." " [Man] Sir Alfred." " Hello, Josef." "What are you two doing here?" "Why aren't you all lunching together?" " We didn't wish to intrude." " They look so cute together." "Well, why shouldn't they look cute together?" "See you later, pretty one." "May I?" "Oh." "Excuse me." "♪♪ [Continues]" " So sorry, my darling." " Ah." " Thank you so much, Tony, for bringing her." " Not at all, Sir Alfred." " Thank you." " I was simply famished, sweetie love." "I had to eat." "And you were awful to buy me those dresses, and I adore you for it." "Tell me about the fire." "Did you burn down the whole thing or only the back half?" "Sorry to disappoint you... - it was just a curtain and part of a venetian blind." "I think they broke the leg off a piano." "It was very unimportant." "Why aren't Barbara and August sitting with you?" "I haven't the slightest idea." "They seemed quite cool." " They seemed or he seemed?" " They both seemed." " What's she got to be cool about?" " What's he got to be cool about?" "That's another matter." "He may have misunderstood something I said, taken it the wrong way." " ByJove." " What's the matter, darling?" "Excuse me one second, darling." "I'll be right back." "Excuse me, Barbara, I'vejust had a... - sit down... - revolting thought, August." "Would those people who shall be nameless be apt to have additional copies... of that which I did you know what with this morning?" " 'Cause I will not have them around." " Uh... " "If you can figure that out, you're smarter than I think you are." "Why not forget the whole thing, Alfred, and concentrate on your music?" "I will tell them to dispose of those things at the earliest opportunity." "I'll tell them myself." "Give me one of their cards." " I suppose you carry them around with you in case of emergency." " I... " "[Barbara] What's all the mystery?" "Did he... " "The mystery is you're married to a square from Delaware, if you're familiar with the appellation." "That's no mystery." "The whole world knows it." " There you are, Alfred, but I still think that... " " Thank you very much indeed." "Thank you." "Well, what's the matter with him?" "He's getting nuttier than you are." "You weren't challenging August to a duel, were you, darling?" " I saw you passing cards around." " A duel?" "I'll take him by the back of the neck and drop him into a dustbin." "I've just remembered something I've got to attend to at once, so if you'll excuse me... " " Take care of lunch, Tony." " But you haven't had anything to eat, darling." "I don't want anything to eat at the moment." "Perhaps you'll have a sandwich for me at the hotel later." "Of course I will." "You're all nervous, darling." "It's that plane flight." "I feel a lot better already." "I'll see you in a little while, my love." "All right, dearest." "[Car Horn Honking]" "[Car Door Closing]" "[Buzzer Buzzes]" " You are Mr. Sweeney?" " Who me?" "Why not O'Brien?" "What do you want to see him about?" "About business, I suppose." "I suppose you'd call this a business." " Well, what would you call it?" " I'd call it a criminal invasion... of the rights of decent people... - an assault upon the very privacy which is the cornerstone of self-respect... - an infamous pursuit without shame or ethics... - a vile calling, masquerading in the cloak of respectability... but actually sprung from the cesspools ofhumanity." " Look, mister... " " Seepage of civilization." " Does that answer your question?" " Look, mister, I'm the tailor from next door." "I'm just here to eat my lunch." "I mean, I was trying to eat my lunch and answer the telephone." "A favor, that's all." "With much of what you got to say... - and believe me... whatever you are doing, you are wasting your time... you should be in Congress... - confidentially I agree... but what good is that going to do you?" "About a blue serge suit, my opinion is worth something." " But from ethics... " " Then where is the director of this enterprise?" "Here he is now climbing." "Tell him." " Good day." " Good day." "[Buzzer Buzzes]" "A gentleman to see you, Ed." "[Buzzer Buzzes]" " You at last are Mr. Sweeney, I trust." " And you are Sir Alfred de Carter." "How I've looked forward to this moment, Sir Alfred." "I was at your maiden concert in this country... - your "de-butt"...- down there at Aeolian Hall." "People said, "What do you want to hear that limey for?" ""What does he know about music?" "It takes an Italian or a Russian or a Dutchman to bring it out good."" "But something inside of me said, "Give the limey a chance."" " And I did." " Did you?" "And am I glad I did." "That hunch has paid off in golden dividends." "I've never missed one of your concerts... - within the metropolitan area, of course." "I'm no millionaire, and I can't afford to travel around the country after you... to South Dakota and places like that." "Here's to the world's greatest living conductor." "This is hardly what I came to see you about, Mr. ... " "The way you handle Handel, Sir Alfred." "For me there's nobody handles Handel like you handle Handel." " Really?" " There's you up here." "And then there's nobody... - no second, no third." "Maybe way down here Arturo... - a poor fourth." "That is largely debatable." "In any case, what I came to see you about... " "And your Delius... - delirious." "I usually have my tickets as soon as they're printed." "That change in schedule loused me up a little, but I'll get in somehow." "I'm bitterly sorry to hear that you're a music lover." "I live for music." "Without music I wouldn't... " "I had always hoped that music had a certain moral and antiseptic power... quite apart from its obvious engorgement of the senses... which elevated and purified its disciples..." " lifting them out of professions like this infamy." " You're just hurt." "I can see it." " Oh, Sir Alfred... " " So spare me your compliments." "The flattery of a footpad is an insult in itself." "[Chuckles] You mean a flatfoot, don't you, Sir Alfred?" " You don't mean a footpad." " I mean a footpad!" "And now that I know that you like them, I shall probably cut Handel and Delius out of my program forever." " Don't talk like that." " Please refrain from mentioning any other of your musical favorites... and poisoning those for me also!" "You're just hurt." "I can see it." "You read that report, and naturally it upset you." "Aw, we fall for these little dames and try to believe they're in love with us... when every morning our shaving mirror yells, "They can't be"... till one day we find out that youth belongs to youth, like you just done." " And then... " " Take your hands off me!" "Aw, don't be sore at me." "What have I got to do with it?" "I suppose it was me that went down to 3406 in the middle of the night... wearing only a negligee and stayed for 38 minutes." "I suppose that's the part that bothered you." "It usually is." "3406." "Yeah, I think that was the number." "I got it here someplace if you want it." "But it's only circumstantial evidence." " Why don't we give her the benefit of the doubt?" " [Drawers Rattling]" "Maybe she couldn't open her toothpaste." "You was in England... so she goes down and gets this guy to do it for her." "Or maybe she seen a mouse in her room, and it upset her and she wanted company." "Aw, of course, that one's kind of thin." "Aw, why don't we give her the benefit of the doubt anyway?" "Maybe she woke up out of a bad dream, and without thinking... where she was going, slipped into a negligee and... " "Are you presuming to discuss Lady de Carter, my wife?" "Well..." " Well, you read it, didn't you?" "Oh, I thought that's why Henschler said he wanted... " "Holy Moses." "Uh..." " Here, sit down someplace." " Is this the only copy?" " Yeah, that's the original." "You're a wise man." "I been through it." "Only I wasn't as smart as you are." "So I lost my piano and my savings... and a little shack I had down at the beach... - and her." "So what have I got now?" "Maybe I shouldn't be saying it, but if it was me..." "I'd never have 'em tailed." "I'd never try to find out nothing." "I'd just be grateful for whatever they was willing to give me... - a year, a week, an hour." "[Buzzer Buzzes]" "[Buzzer Buzzes]" "For tonight." " [Door Closes] - [Footsteps Departing]" "Sir Alfred." "I'm sure I would know about it, sweetie, although this joint is a little like Grand Central Station." " Well, I just thought he might be, that's all." " Well, I'm sure he isn't." "But wait a minute." "I'll go and ask Casanova." " Oh." " Daphne wants to know if you've seen Alfred." " He seems to have disappeared." " No, I haven't." "But we're not exactly on the best of terms anyway, so... " "Okay." "No, he isn't, sweetie." "There's nobody here but Sitting Bull counting his money in the other room." "What time do you want us to pick you up?" "If he doesn't show up pretty soon, there may not be any concert." "Wait a minute." "The great man is just coming in now." "Make it about 7:30, will you, darling?" "That is, unless we want to get some hamburgers or something on the way." "Okay." "You do whatever you like." "Oh, and what fur are you going to wear?" "So that I won't wear the same." "Right." "Okay, baby." "Bye." "Darling, what happened to you?" "Tony and I have been awfully worried." "Lfinally had to send him to get dressed anyway." " Really?" " [Sighs]" "I've had your nice sandwich all ready, and... - and the ice all ready for your drink... and the bed all ready for your nap." "Where have you been?" "I..." " I bet you've been out with some girls." "Girls, hah!" "Well, then where have you been, darling?" "Honestly, I've been awfully worried." " I've been to the movies." " The movies?" "I saw a very long picture about a dog... the moral of which was that a dog is a man's best friend." "And a companion feature which questioned the necessity of marriage for eight reels..." " and then concluded it was essential in the ninth." " Alfred." "Also something about "time marching on" and a newsreel of the royal family... christening something extremely out of focus... - a lot of people being saved from a sinking freighter... and a cat which had its kittens in a harmonium... which made ghostly music and frightened a Harlem congregation nearly out of its wits." " You feel quite hot." " I feel anything but quite hot!" "Well, why didn't you take me to the movies?" "I love the movies." "Because there are times when a man wishes to be alone." "This was one of those times." "Any further questions?" "Well, no, of course not, darling." " I hate dry white bread." " I'm sorry." "Oh, would you like me to run a nice hot bath for you?" "Do I appear to need one?" "Well, no, of course you don't, darling." "I... " "If I decide that I need a nice hot bath, I will draw one." "If I don't, I won't." "Alfred, you're going to make me cry." "Oh, darling, please, eat some of your sandwich anyway, won't you?" "You can't go all day and all night without eating." "Thank you for your solicitude." "I hate breast of turkey." "Oh." "Oh." "[Crying]" "[Crying Continues]" "Good evening, Sir Alfred." "[Man] Come in." "Sir Alfred." "Was there something, Sir Alfred?" "♪♪ [Clock: "Jingle Bells"]" "♪♪ [Cranks, Stops]" "[Door Opens]" "[Sighs] I don't know what's the matter with you." "And I don't know what's the matter with my zipper either." "Will you see if you can close it for me?" "Turn around." "[Grunts]" "Suck in a little." "[Gasps, Screams]" "What's the matter with you?" "That's a fine thing." " I'll have to change into something else." " Change into something else!" "You aren't suffering from any shortage." "The women of England would be lucky to have one dress." " What's that to do with me?" " You are married to an Englishman." "I didn't ask you to buy me all these dresses." "I can't stop you from buying me dresses." "You're always saying meet me at so-and-so's and I'll buy you a dress." "You know you do." "If you're so worried about how Englishwomen are dressed... there's nothing to stop you from sending them all to them instead." "It wouldn't make any difference to me." "I don't like clothes!" " I've sent the women of England plenty!" " Then shut up about it." " I forbid you to speak to your husband in that tone!" " That's right." "Strike me, you brute." " So, you don't dare." " Go and get dressed for the concert." "This is certainly going to be the most magnificent concert!" " Maybe I'll go to the movies instead." " Culturally that might suit you better." "And I thought my sister had married the jerk!" "Oh..." " Oh, give me that zipper!" "Ohh!" "[Door Slams]" "[Whistle Blowing]" " [Car Horn Honking] - [Chattering]" "[No Audible Dialogue]" "[Whistle Blowing]" "Next aisle over." "The usher will give you a program." "Straight ahead, please." "Last aisle over." "The usher will give you a program." "It is remarkable how many people will pay out good money for this sort of thing." "Give me the quiet fireside and an overstuffed chair." " It isn't quite so quiet when you start snoring." " Barbara." "Five and six." "[People Chuckling]" " You ever been in love, Jules?" " Oh, devotedly, sir." "Hmm." "What would you do if you discovered that your wife had, uh... - this is purely hypothetical, of course... - had, uh... - I wish I could think of a softer word... - uh, been untrue to you?" "Untrue to me, sir?" "Oh, I think it's most unlikely." "First of all, where would she find anybody, sir?" "And in the second place, if she'd wanted somebody better looking than me... she could've had him easy enough." " I was awful ugly when I was young, sir." " [Knocking]" " Three minutes, Sir Alfred." " Thanks, Herbert." "[Door Closes]" "Look!" "Look!" " ♪♪ [Orchestra Tuning] - [No Audible Dialogue]" "Why don't you be more careful?" "Why don't you look what you're doing?" "Thank you, Jules." "Here we go." "[Applause]" " [Applause Subsides] - [Clapping]" "♪♪ [Classical]" "♪♪ ["Jingle Bells"]" "♪♪ [Cranks, Stops]" "♪♪ [Classical Continues]" "I, uh, trust you enjoyed the concert." "I thought you were wonderful, darling." "Thank you." "I felt quite inspired tonight." "I know it sounds absurd, but did you have a peculiar feeling... that you were watching me conduct for the last time?" "For the last time?" "Women get premonitions about things sometimes... - such as if their husbands are going to die or... - or even that they are going to, uh, pass on, I believe it's called... in refined circles, or things of that nature." "Why should I have any thoughts like that?" "Well, it could have been the music, which does strange things sometimes." " Very strange things." " ♪♪ [Classical Continues]" "You know, after all this somber music of mine..." "I think you ought to hear something a little lighter, something gayer... something a little nearer your age as a sort of antidote." "How would you like to go dancing?" "Oh, wouldn't that be wonderful." "Yes." "Wouldn't it?" "I've got to talk to Hugo about the South American tour for a while." "I might be able to join you later." "Certainly I'll try very hard." "Join who later?" "Oh, you and whoever's fortunate enough to take you dancing." "At my expense, of course." "I insist upon paying." "Oh, I don't think I should like to go dancing without you." "I can't think of anyone I'd care to go out with." "Think hard." "I am thinking hard, but I... - I can't think of anybody." "What about Tony?" "Tony?" " Oh, you mean Tony." " [Chuckles]" "Well, why should I want to go out with Tony?" "I merely suggested Tony because he's my secretary and therefore convenient... 'cause he's a fine-looking young man and you must look well together, especially dancing... and because, uh, being seen with him... since it's well known that he is my secretary, would cause no raised eyebrows... or remarks behind the napkins... and finally because he has my complete confidence." "Oh, but he's such a bore." "Oh, he's obviously not as amusing as I am." "[Laughs]" "I'm not asking you to fall in love with the young man." "I'm only asking you to let him take you dancing." "Well, if you really want me to." "I really want you to." "I don't suppose there could be much harm to it." "How could there be?" "I'll go and call him then." " Do you know his room number?" " ♪♪ [Classical Continues]" "I could get it from the operator, I guess." "Oh, yes." "Of course." "Now, what will you wear?" "Oh, do you think I should change just for Tony?" "Tony's a very handsome young man." "You mustn't talk about him in that way." " I never noticed it." " I'm sure you haven't." "Nevertheless, I'd wear something younger, something a little less conservative." "It's not as though you were going out with, uh, me." "Oh, you mean like that purple one with the plumes at the hips?" "Yes." "Why not the one with the plumes at the hips?" "Now go and call Tony and tell him to pick you up in, uh... 15 minutes exactly." "And then put on the purple one with the plumes at the hips." " Run along." " All right, darling." "Thank you." "♪♪ [Classical Continues]" "♪♪ [Classical Continues]" "Help." "Help." "Help!" "Stop!" "Tony, stop!" "[Alfred On Recording] Help." "Help." "[Changes To High-pitched Female Voice] Help!" "Stop!" "Tony, stop!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "[Groaning]" "Help!" "Murder!" "Police!" "Murder!" "[Loud Groan]" "[Chuckles]" "No, I tell you." "It was his own idea." "[Giggles]" "You're sure you... - you won't mind, Tony?" "Sure it won't be too, too much trouble?" "♪♪ [Classical Continues]" "[Chuckles]" "All right, honey." "He said in 15 minutes exactly, but... " "Well, that was about five minutes ago." "So if you're in any hurry." "Uh-huh." "Uh-huh." "Mm-hmm!" "♪♪ [Continues]" "[Screams] Alfred, stop, please!" "Oh, forgive me, Alfred." "[Screams]" " [Laughing]" " No!" "No!" "[Screaming]" "[Screams]" "[Screams] Stop, Alfred!" "[Cackling]" "♪♪ [Continues]" "♪♪ [Continues]" " [Knocking]" " Come in." "Good evening." "Ah, there you are, my boy." "Extremely kind and devoted of you to take my place for tonight with Daphne." "Which I hardly presume amuses you, as no doubt you like older women." "[Both Laughing]" "You know as I told you when I first engaged you... 24 hours a day and not a minute less would be the least I would need you." "I'm very glad to be of service, Sir Alfred." "Any service any time." "I don't doubt it for an instant, my boy." "Maybe I can do something for you someday." "Who knows?" "Darling, Tony's here." "Ah, she didn't hear me." "But you know what women are like when they're dressing... and putting on something extra special to go dancing with handsome young men like you." "I wish I hadn't got to talk business with Hugo." "You are lucky." "However... " "Oh, I don't think the barber did an awfully good job on that razor." " You did ask him to hone it, didn't you?" " Of course I did." "Have you tried it?" " Well, not actually, but... " " Of course, I don't know much about these old-fashioned razors." "Naturally." "Not at your age." "Isn't there something about taking a hair from your head?" "Yes, that's right." "Oh, that's splendid." "No, no, no, no." "Hold the..." " Hold the blade in your hand." "Along your hand." "That's right." "Hold it firm." "That's fine." "Now, run the... - run the hair along the razor's edge." " It cut it." " ByJove, I am surprised." "That must be sharp enough for almost anything." "[Chuckles]" "Now put it away in the case, and, uh, not a word to the barber." "I don't want him to cut my throat next time I go down there. [Laughs]" " [Laughs]" " Thank you very much." "I must be off." "I don't want to keep Hugo waiting." "Maybe I'd just better tell Daphne you're here." "Sometimes these girls keep you waiting all night." " Darling, Tony's waiting." " ♪♪ [Continues]" "♪♪ [Boogie-woogie]" "Good night, darling." "Well, now she's playing music." "She won't be long." "She's put on a wonderful gown for you, Tony." " Purple... with plumes at the hips." " I am lucky." "Yes, I think you'll be quite bowled over when first you see her in it." "But don't be impatient." "It's really quite worth waiting for." " Good night." " Good night." "Thank you so much again." "♪♪ [Boogie-woogie Continues]" "Good night." "♪♪ [Classical Continues]" "Thank you." " Good evening." " Good evening, Sir Alfred." "Have you seen anything of my manager, Mr. Hugo Standoff?" " Well, no, I ain't, boss, but, uh... " " I'll ask the operator." "Maybe he's called." "Thank you." "Good evening." " Oh, good evening, Sir Alfred." " Been any calls for me?" " I've been expecting my manager, Mr. Hugo Standoff." " No, Sir Alfred." "I haven't had any." " Maizie, have you had any calls?" " No, I haven't, Sir Alfred." "He should be here by now." "There's been plenty of time." "[Screaming]" "Help!" "Stop!" " [Woman] Number, please." " Daphne!" " Oh!" "Oh!" " [Gasps]" "Stop!" "Tony!" "Oh!" "Daphne!" "Daphne!" " What is it?" " Wait a minute." "It's your apartment, Sir Alfred." "It's Lady Daphne." "She's calling for help." "She said, "Tony, stop!" "Tony!" [Screams]" " Do something!" "Do something!" " Stop, Tony!" "Stop!" " What's the matter?" " Call the police." "Quick, follow me upstairs." "No, Tony!" "Police!" "Murder!" "[Tony] Daphne!" "Daphne!" "Get the police, quick!" "I want a policeman." "There's been a murder!" "Oh, Tony." "Tony, what have you done?" "I tell you." "I had nothing to do with it." "You know that, Sir Alfred." " ♪♪ [Swing]" " Somebody turn off that lousy music." " Yes." " But, Sir Alfred, you know I speak the truth." " ♪♪ [Stops]" " I was just where you left me waiting for her when I heard the screaming." " Then I ran in here." " Oh, Tony, Tony." "What's that on the floor?" "Oh, it's the razor." " Don't touch that." "Might have fingerprints on it." " [Tony Sobbing]" "Oh, Tony, Tony." "What have you done?" "The sentence of the court is that you are to be taken from this place... to a lawful prison and thence to a place of execution." "No, I didn't do it!" "I didn't do it!" "No!" " I didn't do it!" " [Laughing Uproariously]" "♪♪ [Classical Continues]" "[Laughs]" "♪♪ [Ends]" "Bravo!" "[Tony] Bravo!" "[Tony] Bravo!" "Hooray!" " Bravo!" " Bravo!" "[Tony] Bravo!" " Never." " What?" "Never since the "inwention"of that most beautiful of all musical instruments... " " Come on, Jules." " the symphony orchestra... - has it been played like you just done." " Don't flatter me." " Flatter you?" "Compared to the truth, I am insulting you." "What did you have in your head?" "What visions of eternity?" "Armageddon, the final battle of the planets and the end of creation... to bring music like that from that bunch of cat scratchers?" "You'd be enormously surprised if you knew, Hugo." "[Chattering]" "[Applause]" "Hooray!" "Hooray!" "Oh!" "Oh!" " [Applause Continues]" " I'll get them." "[No Audible Dialogue]" "[No Audible Dialogue]" "[Applause Subsides]" "♪♪ [Somber Classical]" "♪♪ [Classical Continues]" " Poor baby." " Why?" "'Cause you know that I know." "You can feel it." "It's made you all small and ashamed and unhappy." "As if we could control our love... - lead it by the hand like an obedient child... and order it to do our bidding." "I don't know what you're talking about." "Yes, you know what I'm talking about." "'Cause love took you by the hand and led you... albeit shyly and reluctantly, into the presence of this beautiful young man and said..." ""See, little Daphne, what I had intended for you." ""Gaze upon your destiny." ""See how gently the tendrils of his lustrous hair curl behind his ears." ""See how respectfully he lowers his silken lashes when addressing you." "But notice the spark that leaps from his skin to yours when accidentally your hands meet."" "Oh, no." "No." "I don't blame you, darling." " You didn't want to." " ♪♪ [Classical Continues]" "I'm the one to blame." "Entirely and alone." "I'm deeply ashamed, Daphne, for what I've done to you." "You?" "Ashamed?" " I'm the one." " No, darling." "The one who knows the most carries the responsibility." "He, and he alone, must judge the chances of success... or failure." "A union between a man of the world... - a seasoned traveler... - and a child from Porthole, Michigan..." "I suppose was doomed from the start." "Porthaul." "I'll never remember it." "A baby with bows in her hair." "That wonderful night." " Pity we couldn't keep it up." " [Daphne Sobs]" "Oh, don't cry, my darling." "I couldn't understand music as well as I do... if I didn't understand the human heart a little." "Neither of you has done anything wrong." "Youth belongs to youth." "And beauty... to beauty." "I want you to be rich, comfortable and free." "I don't want you to have to worry about... rent or clothing or food." "Any of the unromantic things which should always be provided for you." "♪♪ [Classical Continues]" "That little head was never made to worry." "Nor these little hands to work." "Only to love." "To love so dearly." "♪♪ [Continues]" " ♪♪ [Ends] - [Applause]" "[Audience Shouting]" "[Blows]" "[Cheering]" "Hooray!" "Magnificent." "[Man] Bravo!" "Bravo!" " [Applause Increases]" " Bravo!" "Bravo!" "[Daphne] Oh, darling." "Darling, I simply couldn't wait until the end." "I had to tell you now how wonderful it is." "It's just wonderful." " Absolutely wonderful." " I'm relieved to hear it." "Personally, I thought every emotion was enormously exaggerated." " Darling, it was just wonderful." " Yes, you've already said that... - both of you." " If you'll forgive me, I've got a dry shirt waiting." " Can I help you, darling?" "I've gotJules for that, thank you." "Why..." " Why, you... " " Oh, come on." " [Audience Chattering Softly]" " You look exceptionally pretty tonight." " What did you say?" " I said you look exceptionally pretty tonight." " I can't imagine why I should." " Maybe it's the music." " With me music goes in one ear and out the other." " Oh, there you are." " How is he?" "I don't know what's the matter with him tonight." "Too much temperament." "Give me the simple viewpoint." " You've got it, boy." "You don't have to yearn for it." " Barbara." "[Applause]" "[Cheering]" "[Applause Subsides]" "♪♪ [Dramatic Classical]" "♪♪ [Dramatic Classical Continues]" "Well, what is it, Alfred?" "First of all, I want to apologize to you both... for being so abrupt with you backstage at the concert... but somehow when you happen to be perfectly aware of the fact..." " that your wife is your secretary's mistress... - - [Gasps] Alfred." " Sir Alfred!" " Didn't you know that I knew?" "Don't try and hide behind Daphne, Tony." "You'll never hide from me." "I..." " I..." " I don't know what you're talking about." "You know precisely what I'm talking about, both of you." "You've been dreading this moment, hoping against hope it would never happen... but knowing in your secret hearts that it would." "And now the moment's arrived you're wondering what I'm going to do, aren't you?" "Knowing that I hold all the cards and that the unwritten law will protect me to the end." "I thought of killing you, my dear." "I cut your throat with my razor." "Your head nearly came off." " Oh!" " But it was your fingerprints they found on the razor, Tony... and you they burned, screaming your innocence." " [Both] Alfred." " It's a relief to hear that in the past tense, isn't it?" "Then, such is human idiocy, I forgave you." "Wrote you an enormous check." "Grew maudlin over the necessity of youth for youth." "Where and why is this necessity?" "By what logic does it flourish?" "What's so precious about the young female?" "[Chuckles]" "No, no, Daphne." "You shall have no money, and fate will decide which man you are to have... and how much of a man he is." " Here we have all the necessary apparatus for a genuinely amusing game, Tony." " [Both Gasp]" "Invented by some czarist officers who cared little for their lives... but much for bravery and the conquest of emotion." "The idea is for each of us to pull the trigger once... aiming it at our own temples with a perfectly steady hand." " [Both Gasp]" " Of the six bullets, I remove five." "One only I put back in the cylinder... which I spin like this... for the lucky winner." "The odds then are 1 -to-5 for, 5-to-1 against." "Better than I've had in many a casino." "So, you see, Tony, it's not really a very dangerous game at all... and will vouchsafe you a magnificent opportunity to show Daphne how brave you are... how icy cool in the face of this, uh, small adventure." " No." " I'll spin it once more now, just in case you peeked." "And then, as the seducer of my wife and the destroyer of my home... you shall have the honor of playing the first hand... of this enthralling little game called Russian roulette." " Oh, no." " No!" " Exciting, isn't it?" " Alfred, stop it." "Stop it." "What a fuss we're making." "Here, Tony." "No, no." "Not at me." "At your temple." "That's right." "Now, cool and collected... with nerves of steel, with steady hand and cheerful eye..." "Mr. Anthony Windborn, the celebrated wife-stealer, will demonstrate... " " Sir Alfred, please, no." "Sir Alfred, please!" " Alfred, I beseech you." "Can it be that I detect a thread of saffron in this otherwise perfect fabric?" "Come, come, Tony." "You, the fearless cavalier?" "You hesitate?" "Then watch me closely while I show you how it's done." "I spin the wheel of fortune once more." "You see?" "Then, with a rigidly steady hand... and without any quaverings or sniveling yammerings... " "I would ask you to notice, Daphne... - I place the muzzle here." "And with a simple "Godspeed" in case I should be unfortunate..." "I pull the trigger...   [No Audible Dialogue] - ♪♪ [Classical Continues]" "♪♪ [Continues]" " ♪♪ [Ends] - [Cheering]" "[All] Bravo!" "Bravo!" "Bravo!" "[No Audible Dialogue]" "[Cheering Continues]" "[No Audible Dialogue]" "Anybody there?" "♪♪ [Clock: "Jingle Bells"]" "♪♪ [Cranks, Stops]" "[Woman] Number, please." "Number, please." "[Crunching]" "[Glass Shards Clink]" "Number, please." "Hello." "Who is this?" "Some jerk on the line." "Hello." "Are you trying to get a number?" "Number, pl... " "[Muffled Snap]" " [Alfred Yelps] - [Crashing]" "Are you trying to get a number?" " Did you want a number?" " I don't want a number." "What makes you think I want a number?" "Number, please." "I do not want a number!" "Ah." "[Crashes]" "[Crashing]" "[Groans]" "[Glass Shards Crunching]" "[Sighs]" "[Sneezes]" "[Sneezes]" "[Crunching]" "[Phone Ringing]" "[Ringing Continues]" "[Ringing Continues]" " [Daphne] Hello." "Hello?" " [Gasping]" " Hello, who is this?" " [Gasping]" " Sounds like a talking dog." " [Sneezes]" " Oh." " [All] What's the matter?" " Well, it sounded like an explosion." " Hello." "Hello, Alfie." "Where are you?" "Where do you think I am?" "Since I'm here answering the phone." " What happened to you?" " Is he all right?" "Yes, I merely felt a slight... - [Gasping]" " Hello, Alfred." "We'll be right up." " [Sneezes]" "I don't want you up here." "Perhaps you'll be kind enough to send my wife home... if she's nothing better to do." "He don't want nobody but you." " Then take me home quickly, Tony." " Certainly." "We'll take a cab." "Is there any insanity in his family?" "I don't know, but there's plenty in mine." "[Buttons Clicking]" "[Cranks]" "[Cranks]" "[Feedback]" "[Feedback Continues]" "[Feedback Continues]" "[Feedback Stops]" "Help." "Help." "Oh!" "Oh." "Oh." "Oh." "Help." "Help." "Oh!" "Oh!" " Aaah... - - [Cranks]" "Help." "Help." "Help!" "Murder!" "Police!" "Spare me!" "Spare me!" "Tony, what did I ever do to you?" "Tony." "Tony!" "Help." "Help." "Police!" "Murder!" "[Alfred On Recording] Help." "Help." "Help." "Help." "[Deep, Slow Voice] Help!" "Murder!" "Police!" "Spare me!" "Spare me!" "Tony, what did I ever do to you?" "Tony." "Tony!" "[Deep Voice] Help!" "Help!" " Police!" " Alfred?" "Alfred, darling." "Darling, are you all right?" " Alfred, are you all right?" " Why shouldn't I be all right?" "What are you doing down here on the floor in the middle of all this disaster?" "I was making an experiment." "People do, you know." "Without them, there'd be very little progress in this world." "I think I'm well within my own rights." "I'm doing what I like in my own house." "They say in England that an Englishman's home is his castle." "Of course you're within your rights, darling, but... " "Well, you've made kind of a mess out of your castle." " [Sneezes]" " Oh, bless you, darling." " [Tony Chuckles]" " What are you laughing about?" "Did I invite you here?" "Have you got to be in my house morning, noon and night?" "Please go back to 3406 and wait till I send for you." " Certainly, Sir Alfred." "I was only... " " Spare me your explanations until I ask for them." " What's he done?" "You're acting like a bear with a sore paw." " That's right." "Side with him." " Well, why shouldn't I side with him?" " I'll be in 3406." " Hmm." "Craven." " Darling, let me feel your head." "I don't wish to have my head felt, thank you." " Apart from marrying you, my head's been perfectly all right for quite a long time." " [Gasps]" "Alfred!" "Oh." "Oh." "Alfred." "Heavens." " [Sneezes]" " Bless you." "Alfred, what in heaven's name is the matter with you?" "I mean, even if you are a musician and an Englishman... don't you think that you're carrying things just a little bit too far?" "I mean, you walk out with 2,000 people standing up and yelling for you... and you've completely wrecked the apartment and... now you've probably broken your glasses." "You have." "By the way, I will not be able to take you dancing tonight." "Why?" "Who are you taking?" "I mean you'll have to be taken by somebody else." "I have other plans." " Taken where?" " Dancing." "Who told you I wanted to go danc... - uh, dancing?" "You're coming down with a heavy cold, and I feel about as much like going dancing as... " "Really." "Wouldn't you like to go dancing with Tony?" "With Tony?" "Have you ever seen Tony dance?" "I saw him once with Barbara, and he gets up on his toes like a rooster... and he pushes you over sideways... and then he shoves your head back till you think it's gonna drop off." "Why, compared to him, you look like Arthur Murray." " I don't need any compliments, thank you." " You are not getting any." "Besides, the way you've been acting tonight..." "I feel about as much like going dancing as I feel like cutting my throat." "All I feel like doing is crying." "How did you happen to use that simile?" "What's a simile?" "A simile is a... " "A simile is a... - [Sneezes]" "Oh, bless you." "What you need to do is get out of that wet shirt and into a nice hot bath." "Why are you always trying to put me in a nice hot bath?" "I begin to find it sinister." "Well, would you like a nice hot toddy then?" "I don't want anything nice and hot." "I'm sweating like a bull now." " You mean perspiring, darling." " I do not mean perspiring." "If I say I'm sweating, I'm sweating." "Now kindly go into your own room." "I would like to disrobe." " Are you talking to me?" " Unless you have somebody concealed under the rug, I imagine I am." "Well, go ahead and disrobe." "Since when did... " "Oh, really, Alfred!" "You're getting nuttier than a fruitcake!" "Hah!" "[Groans]" "[Groans]" "[Groans]" "Darling." " Darling." " Oh!" "Oh, Alfred." "Did you hurt yourself?" "Oh." "Nothing of the slightest importance, thank you." "Oh, yes, you did too." "You cut your thumb." " Oh." "I'll bandage it for you." " [Garbled] I'll bandage it myself." " What'd you say, dear?" " I said I can manage quite nicely, thank you." "Oh, heavens, Alfred." "Darling, those things are so sharp." "Here, darling." "I'll do it for you." "Darling, you ought to be more careful." "I'm being quite careful, thank you." "People get blood poisoning." "All kinds of... " " Gently now." " All right." "Oh!" " Oh!" " Well, hold it still, darling." "There." "Does it hurt very much?" " No." " Oh, I'm so glad." "Well, what are you shaving at this time of the night for anyway?" "You'd be enormously surprised... " " Bless you." " [Sneezes]" "Well, if you won't take a bath, at least don't take your death of cold." "You do like to do little things for me, don't you?" "Not when you're like this I don't." "I'll forgive you anyway." "Forgive me for what?" "You know perfectly well what I'm forgiving you for, so kindly hold your tongue!" " What?" " Lest I change my mind." "Well, go ahead and change your mind." "I'll change my mind if I wish to change my mind." "If I don't wish to change my mind, I shan't change my mind." "Is that clear?" "Alfred." "What do you want to start paying bills for at this hour?" "Bills?" "Hah!" " Can I help you, darling?" " I can manage quite nicely, thank you." "If it were possible for once to have a little ink... in the fountain pens in this house like they do in well run houses... " " I know." "Like in England." " Precisely." "Like in England." "Try the other one." "We drive on the right-hand side over here." "That's a bright remark." "Oh. [Gasps] Oh, Alfred." " [Sighs]" " Oh, I'll try to find something." "Very well." "I will not forgive you." "Suit yourself." " What's the matter with you?" " You're not laughing quite so hard now." " What are you going to do with that?" " Have you ever heard of Russian roulette?" "Why, certainly." "I used to play it all the time with my father." "I doubt that you played Russian roulette all the time with your father." "I most certainly did." "You play it with two packs of cards, and... " "That is Russian bank." "Russian roulette's a very different amusement... which I can only wish your father had played continuously before he had you." " Where are the... " " Oh, Alfred, what is the matter with you?" "You're acting like a crocodile with a toothache." " Where are the bullets for my revolver?" " I don't know." "You never seem to be able to find anything." "Why don't you call Tony and ask him?" "He's supposed to look after your things." "And how he does." "What devotion." "And how you've thanked him for it tonight." "Honestly, Alfred, of all the boors... " " Just give me one reason why I should thank him, and I'll call him at once." " Well, I wish you would." " What's his room number?" " 3406." " How'd you know that?" " Why shouldn't I know it?" "He's your secretary, isn't he?" "I must have called him 9,000 times." " But you've never been there?" " Yes, I have." " When, may I ask?" " I don't think I want to tell you that." " I shouldn't think you would." " Because it's really my problem." "I... " " Well, unless you want to help me with it." " I shall be charmed!" "You don't look very charmed." " It happened while you were in England." " Naturally." "He called me up one night, about 1:30, to find out if Barbara was here... because she'd told him that she was... - but she wasn't." " How was that his business?" " He's married to her, isn't he?" " Who is married to who?" " August." " Don't try and change the subject." "We're not... " " I'm not trying to change the subject." "I'm trying to tell you August called me here to find out if Barbara was with me... because she told him she was... - only she wasn't." " Who cares where Barbara is?" " August, I suppose." " Oh, very well." "Where was she?" " Well, I had this... - this awful suspicion that I didn't want to have." "After all, she is my kid sister, and I always hoped that when she said those things about August..." " that she was just trying to be funny." " It wouldn't be very difficult." "Anyway, I didn't dare tell August that she wasn't here... and I didn't dare call her where I thought she was... because the kind of a man who checks up on his wife... is the kind of a man who hires detectives to help him and has telephones tapped." "You're describing August down to the last moth in his wallet." "Anyway, I told him that she had been here with me and had just left." "Then I threw on a negligee and hurried down there, just in case." " Hurried down where?" " To 3406." "3406." "3406!" "Of course!" "Well, of course, since that's Tony's room." "The door was open a little, so I marched right in ready to give her a piece of my mind... but there wasn't anybody there, which certainly made me feel a lot better... and I started to leave a lot happier than I had felt when I arrived." "Then I suddenly realized how terrible it would look if anybody saw me coming out of that room." "Because Tony's about my age and... " "To anybody who didn't understand how you and I feel about each other, it would look... " " Well, you know how dumb some people are." " Do I." "Just before I opened the door I peeked through the keyhole... and right there, near the freight elevator, I saw this great big old jerk squinting around the corner." " A large lumpy man with a face like an orangutan?" " Right." "Like a gorilla." " Sweeney, the detective!" "August's detective!" " That's what I was afraid of." "Anyway, he stood there, and so I waited... and he waited and we waited... " "For 38 minutes!" "He kept you there himself!" "Well, it felt more like 38 years." "Why, I actually began to feel guilty." "I'd never been in a man's room before... - except yours." "You wonderful, wonderful, wonderful child." " Why?" "What's so wonderful about that?" " Telling me this tonight, of all nights." "Telling you what, my darling?" "I have no secrets from you." "Will you do me a very great favor?" "I'll do anything you like as long as you ask me that way." "Will you put on your lowest cut, most vulgarly ostentatious dress... with the largest and vulgarest jewels that you possess?" " I thought you weren't feeling... " " Then accompany me... to the vulgarest, most ostentatious, loudest... and hardest-to-get-into establishment this city affords?" " But your cold, darling... " " There's nothing the matter with me that a couple of magnums of champagne won't cure." "I happen to want to celebrate." "I want to be seen in your exquisite company." "I want the whole world to know that I'm the most fortunate of men... in the possession of the most magnificent of wives." "I want to swim in champagne and paint the whole town not only red, but red, white and blue." "I want everybody to see how much I adore you... always have adored you, revere you and... - and trust you." "Also how much I hope you have of warmth for me." "But, my darling, I worship you." " Then put on your most outrageous dress." " Shall I wear the purple with the plumes at the hips?" " The purple with the plumes at the hips?" " Yes." "You know." "It's cut down on one shoulder, and the coq feathers shoot off one hip like a tail of a comet." "I know it only too well." "Wear the purple with the plumes at the hips, by all means." " And let it be a purple lesson to me." " All right, my darling." " Shh!" " What was the matter with you tonight, Alfred?" "Something so vulgar, so utterly contemptible and unworthy of a love like yours..." "I beg of you never to make me tell you." "But of course I won't, my darling." "I know what it's like to be a great man." "That is, I don't really, but... having so many responsibilities and... so much tenseness... watching out for and protecting so many people." "Shh!" "A thousand poets dreamed a thousand years." "Then you were born, my love."