"This is Paul Slippery." "He thinks people are conspiring against him." "Oh my God!" "They are." "Pilfrey, he was coming after me, he was chasing me with this wet, flapping noise." "He had this awful smile." "You mean like this?" "Thank God, you're awake." "You're giving us a lift, remember?" "My car is in the garage." "Oh God, Estelle!" "I've just had the most horrific dream." " It was all about..." " Pilfrey." "How did you know?" "Was I saying his name?" "No, no, he's outside on the street." "Jesus!" "What's he doing?" "Well, he's talking to Porker and his labrador." "And he's actually stroking the dog." "Strange, I thought Pilfrey hates dogs." "Porker's my patient, why is Pilfrey greasing up to him?" "He isn't even ill." "Pilfrey's trying to steal my patients!" "Why would he do that, Paul?" "Why?" "Why?" "He doesn't need a reason." "Cause he's after me with his wet, flapping..." "For God's sake, Paul, get a grip!" "It's not you he's after." "Pilfrey's been calling me, he's been sending me emails." " What?" " No, it's nothing, it's a consultancy thing, he wanted to have a breakfast meeting but I said no." "Why didn't you tell me?" "Because I knew you'd be like this." "Like what?" "What am I being like?" "Hi." "Are we heading off?" "No offence, old son, but not a bad idea to knock, you know, your mother and I could've been..." "Yeah, right." "Management consultant!" "So you're gonna have breakfast with Pilfrey?" "Don't be absurd, of course not." "I told him we have breakfast together as a family, you know, sitting down." " But we never do that." " Today we will." "Does that mean you're gonna cook it?" "Well, here we all are." "Here's me and Estelle," "Daniel and Rory, Edwin," "Lucy and Laura..." "One big happy family." "So Lucy, Laura, which one of you is sleeping with Dan at the moment?" "That was very embarrassing of me." "I don't know why I said that." "Yes, I do actually, we've got a PPV today and I'm under a lot of stress." "Stress is so not good." " Right." " What's a PPV?" "It's... it's a Patient Practice Verification, a sort of government inspector bloke comes around, checks that you're not..." "You know, you're not..." "fiddling the... books." "How's that?" "You're like so tense." "Great." "Thanks." " Have you been fiddling?" " Certainly not!" " But Pilfrey has." " Please don't get him started." "Who's Pilfrey?" " Pilfrey is..." " Paul, please." "Pilfrey is a valued collegue who just has the habit of popping up." "I'm not here." " Where are you?" " I don't know." "Tell him I've gone to work." "Tell him I've got a breakfast meeting." " Hi, Ronnie." " Paul." "I've a breakfast meeting with your very lovely wife." "Well, she had another breakfast meeting in town." "Two breakfasts." "She'll be waddling by the end of the day." "No, what I mean is I think she's forgotten your breakfast meeting." "And what makes you think that?" "Well, I hardly think she'd go all the way up to town, have breakfast then come back here and have breakfast with you." "Are you having breakfast?" "I am, Ronnie, yes." "But I'm having it alone." "I suggest you do the same." "Paul?" "We need to discuss the inspection." "Paul, darling, we've got to go." "Get back!" "Did you hear that?" "That's why he's greasing up to my patients." "It's the practice inspection, he wants to show me up." "Why would he do that, Paul?" "Why?" "Because if he was thinking of splitting up the practice in some way, then he'd want as many patients on his list as possible." "See?" "There speaks the management consultant." "We are so proud of you, darling." "Anyway, we're stuck for the time being, he knows you're in here." "Oh, no, maybe not." "No, he's walking away..." "He's getting into his car..." " He's..." " Driving away?" "Dialling a number." "Hi, Estelle, it's Ronnie." "I'm outside your house for our breakfast meet and that husband of yours has been a wee bit... you know..." "Anyway, I've got a feeling you're in there somewhere or on your way, so I'll just wait outside." "Stay loose!" " Stay loose?" " He is so hot for you, mom." "Hot, hot, hot." "This is like "Dog Day Afternoon"." "Except it's the morning." "And there's no dogs." "No, there are actually, he's made friends with Porker's labrador." "So how are you gonna get out of here?" "Sorry, how are we gonna get out of here?" "I say we start three tunnels." "Tom, Dick and Harry." "Wait a second." "How did you know Pilfrey hates dogs?" "Paul, hi, it's Surinder." "I just wanted to remind you to bring the PPV file." "We should really have sent it last week, but the inspector would definitely want to see it today." "Anyway, I'll see you later." "Bye." " Well?" " There's just stuff I know about him." "These emails he's been sending me, they're a little bit more than emails." "How much more?" "They're sligthly personal I suppose you could say." "What?" "Stuff about dogs?" "What else?" "Recipe ideas, what?" "They're sort of love letters." "They're basically a celebration of himself, but I do seem to feature in there somewhere." "I will kill him." "I will kill him!" "Estelle, hi, it's Ronnie Pilfrey." "I'm still outside the "masion familielle"." "I'm still looking forward to our breakfast meeting." "Estelle!" "Are you sure you're not in there, Estelle?" " Any ideas?" " We could put coats over our heads?" "We could, yes, but why would we?" "Can we just get on with this?" "It's my first day, for God's sake!" "Honey, it's very simple, you've just got to distract him." "Can I use a baseball bat?" "No, you can't, use tact." "Pilfrey!" "Sorry if I was a bit..." "you know..." "Midlife crisis and all that." "Would you say it was a crisis?" "But it was midlife." "But you know, in many ways, I'm pleased to see you and Estelle so close." "It's amazing really that her job has sort of brough us closer together." "You, me, her..." "My God, is that yours?" "It is." "She is gorgeous!" "Is it a she?" "Or a he?" "I never quite know with cars." "Oh, it's a she all right." "EFI, ABS, ATC, 225 brake horsepower." "Well, say what you like about BMWs they're not Audis, which this obviously is." "Although they are, of course, both German, they're not Italian or... or Swedish." "So tell me, what are these things here?" "They're the hubcaps, Paul." "Hubcaps, are they?" "Yeah, but they're much more than that, aren't they?" "They're a state of mind, they're design and technology, colour and texture." ""Vorsprung durch" hubcaps, I say." "Well, it gets me from A to B." "Does it?" "Yeah." "And back, presumably." "Or do you tend to hang around at B?" "You know, a sort of long weekend and that kind of thing." "Well, Pilfrey, I'll see you later." "Practice inspection, very important." "How... what...?" "You don't have RDI?" " RDI?" " Remote Driving Intelligence." "Bit of a gimmick, but I like it." "Nice work!" "Looking sharp, Edwin." "Eight quid, Marie Curie." "Not bad, eh?" " Hey, is this for our benefit?" " Nah, lunch date with dad." "Annual bonding sesh." "Tells me about relationships and stuff." "As a matter of interest, which one of you is sleeping with Dan at the moment?" " She is." " I'm not!" " I thought you were." " I thought you were!" " Shouldn't one of us be?" " Hey, girls!" "I'm here!" "And I'm ready!" "Ever since you got back home from Thailand, Luce," "I feel so bad, I just..." "I know!" "I feel bad for making you feel bad." "Listen, I feel bad too." "Mainly cause I'm 16." "But if you wanna feel better, come and check this out." "What are you up to, Edwin?" "Pilfrey's love letters!" "They cannot go unread." "Oh my God, your mom lets you read her emails?" "No way!" "She's got a password and everything." "I'd just like you to know that I'm not." "I mean yeah, I may be a bit of a bastard, but..." "I'm basically a nice person." "Even if I have got a job which as far as I can see involves being a bit of a bastard." " Fine." " Fine." "Here's to your first wave of redundancies." "Bye, darling." "He's still paranoid that I haven't forgiven him for Laura." " He's right, isn't he?" " Yes." "What does she see in him?" "Well, we know, don't we?" "Bye, love." "What do we know?" "That women prefer bastards?" "Is that what we know, Estelle?" "Come on, darling, we're gonna be late." "This one's called "Hopes and dreams, me and you"." ""I think about you all the time."" "My God, the man's sick!" "This is my mum!" ""I sense that what's between us is getting bigger by the day." "Becoming indeed so big that one day it will burst."" ""Like a boil!"" ""And when it does it will shower us with all the things we crave:" "Chocolates, kisses, and the wild dreams of the little people who slave for a better world."" "I think we should stop reading this." "Or set it to music." "I think mum should answer it." "I've called it "Deeper feelings for a doctor"." "I like it so far." " "Oh, Ronnie..."" " No, don't overdo it." "Sorry." ""Ronnie, my feelings for you have got deeper and now they threaten to shake my marriage to Paul." "He is old and tired, Ronnie." "You are young and..."" "What's the word?" " Vibrant?" " That's the one." ""I need to see that crazy, crazy smile of yours." "Those strange, hypnotic hand gestures." "The way you sing those old Beatles numbers."" " He'll never believe this." " Of course he will." "People believe what they wanna believe." "And take my word for it, every man wants to believe this." ""I've felt the secrecy of what we have between us." "We know things others don't." "We're like spies." "Secret agents in a foreign land." "When you get this message, destroy it!"" ""P.S. Give me a sign that you feel the same." "A secret code." "Wear the brightest socks you can find, and I will know."" " Now watch him go." " God, I hope you know what you're doing." "He insulted my mother." "He must die." "Do women prefer bastards, Surinder?" "Sorry?" "Really, when the chips are down, are bastards more attractive?" "They can be an interesting starter, but for main course, no." "Well, there you are, you see, because Estelle always has a starter instead of a main course," " while I order a..." " I'd love to discuss this, but we have a practice inspection today." "Did you bring the file?" " Oh, Paul." " It's all right, I'll..." "I'll call Edwin and get him to bring it in." "Are you all right, Paul?" "I think Pilfrey has fallen in love with Estelle." " You're being paranoid." " Am I?" "He's been sending her emails." "Love letters." "God knows what he's got planned for the inspection." "The inspection will be fine!" "We've done nothing to be ashamed of." "There's that Billingham woman with the acute depression." "True, if Pilfrey told her to cheer up it might never happen." "They've put a rail on that bridge now." " Hello?" " Edwin." "Hi, dad." "Listen, are you still coming in for lunch today?" "Damn right." "Got a killer suit on." "Look, I need you to do something for me." "Can you go into the study?" "Study, right." "Hold on a sec." " Okay, I'm in." " Now, there's an orange file marked PPV." "Can you bring it with you when you come?" "Yeah, sure, no problem." "You are a high caliber, son." "I'll see you later, all right?" " Bye." " See ya." " Edwin." " Yeah?" "I feel a bit funny asking you this but..." "What do you think about Dan?" "Dan?" "Well, he's good-looking, he's smart, he's really good at pool, he can cook..." "Why don't you go out with him, then?" "Well, on the other hand, he's vain, he's lazy, and got four A's in his A-levels without doing any revision." "And what about Rory?" "Well, Rory's Rory." "Okay, so what do we do?" "I think you should just go and see Dan at work and get him to choose between you." "Edwin, we'll do the choosing." "Exactly, yeah, that's what I meant." "And you know, if that doesn't work out, I'm always here." "Yeah." " Everything okay?" " Yeah, fine, Surinder." "You know if it weren't for you, I would've handed in my resignation." "You're the only thing that keeps me sane." "Wow." "For a moment there I thought you were gonna make a move on me." "I'd love to make a move on you, Surinder." "If I weren't so scared of my wife, I would've done it ages ago." "God, what have I just said?" "What is the matter with me this morning?" "It's the curse of Pilfrey." "Oh my sweet Lord." "Pilfrey, that's a..." "That's a very..." "interesting outfit." "Is it, Paul?" "Is it very interesting?" "You look like Action Man." "I am Action Man." "Do you want to know why me and Action Woman can never have children?" "I've got a separate box." "I come in a separate box." "It's funny." "But what's the outfit for, Pilfrey?" "Are you doing a spot of abseiling?" "Are you delivering some Milk Tray, what?" "You can look like a 1950s geography teacher if you like, Paul, that's up to you." "But I'm keen to protect an image of this practice that is modern." "Cutting edge." "And rapidly responsive." "And a word of advice:" "don't worry about my sense of style." "Worry about your drug budget overspent." ""Love love me do" "You know I love you"" "We have to move with the times, Paul." "Gotta stop mollycoddling people." "We are doctors." "Not nurses." ""So please" "Love me do"" " He's singing." " I noticed." "Pilfrey's singing." "Has he gone mad?" "No madder than you." "Fair enough." "To be honest, I am worrying about my drug budget." "Mel Gibson!" "I know, absolutely." "Yes, of course, but they are prepared to pay an awful lot for someone with your profile." "You've worked in Finland which they adore." "Why?" "Because they're Finnish, Elaine, they're very, very, very Finnish." "And you are such a good mix." "You're commercially aware, you've got management skills and you're great at influencing, your CV is full of results delivery." "You have delivered results delivery." "No, no, no, it's a fact!" "Great!" "See you next Thursday at 10:00." "Till the men are born." "Do you think I sounded horribly insincere?" "Yes." "I shall have to give you a raise." "Estelle Slippery." "Hi." "It's me." "When can we meet?" "Emails are only emails." "I prefer females to emails." "It's Ronnie Pilfrey, he wants to talk about his carreer again." "It's your business, Estelle." "Charm him!" "Whenever suits you." "Ronnie." "When it suits you, Estelle!" "I'm so sorry that we missed each other this morning." "I could see that that would be awkward for you with your family there, but..." "Can you haul your ass down here?" "We could shoot the breeze, shmooze, talk numbers." "What you have to do here, Daniel, is take things in both hands" " and explore the envelope." " Sure." "Because only by standing a thing on its head, and looking at it from all angles in terms of management structure, can we really work out how things are sourced." "How a team can function as a team." "And the way in which things meld in as part of the mulch." "Right." "So when do I get to fire people?" "Yes, a sense of humour is important." "We'd like to see Daniel Slippery, please." "Friends of yours?" "No." "It's just a little deal I brought with me." "You can never tell who's the major player now." "In the old days they all wore suits." "Do I have your permission to rip them off?" "You're gonna fit in here very well, Daniel." "I wasn't smoking!" "No..." "It's just you're not supposed to be here between ten and one." "I know." "But where am I gonna go?" "Used to go to the public library." "They've got comfy chairs." "I think I've never been to a public library." "Well, they were big in the 60's." "So what got you into looking after deadbeats like me?" "Don't tell me." "You want to help people." "You're wasting your time, my friend." "Help yourself." "If you don't, they'll kick you to death!" "Smoke?" "Yes." "No!" "Maybe." "I'm not good at helping myself." "I let my brother sleep with my girlfriend." "Shame." "Still, plenty more fish." "Has she got a sister?" "She has, as a matter of fact." "What's she like?" "Rather gorgeous." "Would she like to meet an older man?" "Hands off." "I've always sort of had a thing for her, actually." "Why am I telling you this?" "Why am I not talking to her?" "I think you'll find she knows already." "Julia Roberts!" "Is someone winding me up?" "Estelle rang, she's coming in to see dr." "Pilfrey." " She's what?" " Stake out the ground, live the life, be the man." "Take the pills." "Pilfrey, can you explain why you're dragging my wife into the surgery?" "Dragging?" "I don't think there was any dragging involved." "We have an understanding, myself and your lovely wife." "She sends me the sweetest emails." "She does not." "Okay." "She doesn't." "I made it up." "Crazy old me." ""Crazy" "Crazy for me"" " Who's the kid?" " No idea." "Well, he just walked in here, he sat down as cool as you like..." "It's him." "Who?" "The inspector, check out the file." "He's a child!" "Exactly." "It's like policemen." "Look at that suit." "That's an NHS suit, all right." "But why didn't he say who he was?" "He's probably incognito." "Just to keep us on our toes." " Don't we tell the others?" " No!" "No." "I'll handle this." "Hi." " I'm Ronnie Pilfrey, G.P." " Hi." "What do you think of it all?" "It's fine." "Would you like a cup of coffee, a latte, a biscuit?" "Something stronger?" "Would you like to see my consulting room?" " Not particularly..." " I can show you my stuff." "I know who you are." "You do?" "Oh, yes." "I know your number." "Very sly, my friend, very, very sly." "Look, when I sent you those emails..." "Have you been sending me emails?" "I'm so..." "I'm so sorry, I didn't..." "I didn't get them." "I'm so sorry I didn't respond to them, so, so, so sorry." "Do you mind if I say this?" "Not at all." "You're awfully young to be an NHS inspector." "We're getting younger." "You know, the whole thinking behind it is to get younger and younger people." "You know, old people..." "hopeless." "Hopeless, indeed." "Old people." "Hopeless!" "Get rid of them all!" "Would you like to come into my consulting room?" " We can talk!" " I'd love that, yeah." "Yes, please." "Candles." "Nice touch." "They're therapeutic." "I pay for them myself!" "Unlike some people around here, I'm intensely aware of the need to cut back on every aspect of spending." "I see." "You see, my partner..." "Paul Slippery..." "He's flakey." "Very flakey." "His drug budgets are way, way over." "Are they?" "Course thinking on that issue's changing." "On the highest level." " Yeah?" " It is." "Some are saying:" ""Let the patients go out and buy their own drugs, dude!" "Don't subsidise them at all!" "Don't even advise them on which ones to buy!" "What's the internet for?" You know what I mean?" " Indeed, dude." " Other state of view, the NHS shouldn't get involved in drugs at all." "Why is that?" "Drugs are bad." "Just say no." "Excuse me." " Hi." " Hi, Edwin, it's me." "I'm here with Jim, my relationship counsellor, he's been married four times, he should know." " Hi!" " Jim says hi." "Hi, Jim." "Look, I'm trying to track down Lucy." "I wouldn't normally say this to you, but I really need to see Lucy," " not Laura." " Tell Laura you love her." "Tell Laura I love her!" "She went to see Dan at management consultance." "Kick his arse." "Brutality, man." "It's the only way." "Cheers." " Brutality, you're so right." " I am." "I'm damn right." "What's your flow, you know?" "How's your structure organised?" "How do you balance your internal from your external?" "Do we really need hospitals?" "I'm not sure." "Think about it." "I'm gonna take a look around." "Mingle with the patients." "Be here, but not be here." "Good manager, invisible." "Hi!" " How's it going?" " All right." " Oh, NHS bullshit." " Bullshit, NHS." "Thanks a lot for that." "I'm just gonna do some admin, and then we'll go straight for lunch." "That's cool, I guess I could just hang out here." "What were you doing down there?" "I was just in Pilfrey's office, you know, setting a few things straight." " Okay." "Two seconds." " Cool." "Is there anything else I can show you?" "I'd like to visit the lavatory." "You won't be disappointed, it's inspected regularly." "I personally check the bowl hourly." "Our hand towels, they're conformed to British standard..." " Just there." " Thanks." "Hey, baby!" "It's me." "It's me." "And I'm ready to rock." " Obviously." " Come, fly with me!" " So you're here..." " To see me." "Because I drag her in." "Watch that inspector!" "He's gonna come down very hard on our loo." "So..." " Here you are." " Here I am." "I've got a business meeting." "Business meeting." "Very important." "Yes, it is important, actually." "You've been answering Pilfrey's emails!" "What?" "I haven't been answering Pilfrey's emails!" "What makes you think I sent him emails?" " What emails?" " Nothing, old son." "Nothing." "No, I understand." "It's fine, it's absolutely fine." "You want to see Pilfrey, and maybe you'll fit me in for lunch." "Or maybe you won't!" " Why are you being like this?" " Like what?" "A sort of hurt dog." "Well, maybe I just feel a little bit hurt." "A little bit old and unloved." "What are you going on about?" "You have a nice meeting with Pilfrey." "We'll be in the Ten Chao Wai." "Only if you got time, obviously." "Look, guys..." " What?" " What?" "The thing is..." "Pilfrey..." "Ah, nothing." "Let's go." "See ya." "Have a good business meeting!" "Hello, Estelle!" "How's work?" "Hi, it's fine, that's why I'm here." "Pilfrey is work." "Are you finding him another job?" "I don't know if anyone wants the little rat." "Shall I write him a glowing reference?" " Hey, baby!" " Hello." " Husband's all gone?" " Uhm, yes." "Come into my parlour." " Sorry?" " Enter my space!" " Your...?" " My room!" "My room." "Surinder!" "The inspector's already here, so watch that pretty little arse of yours." ""She loves you, yeah yeah yeah"" ""She loves you, yeah yeah yeah"" "Shouldn't you be getting back to work?" "It is work, isn't it?" "Lucy feels her position needs to be made clear." "She knows she was away a long time, she's been incredibly forgiving to me about what went on." "She just doesn't feel she can carry on going out with you while you're sleeping with me." "And what do you feel, Laura?" "Laura feels really bad about it, she feels really guilty and she feels like she's let me down." "So you speak for each other now, do you?" " Yeah." " Yeah." "No one care how I feel?" " No." " No." "Kung Pao chicken, Moo shu pork, some Gate of Heaven prawns, sizzling beef slices, two portions of fried rice, and fish in butter with broccoli and ginger, please." "Yeah, I'll have what he's having." "You okay?" "Yeah, fine." "It's just that..." "I never seem to see Estelle anymore." "And when I do see her..." "I just get paranoid." "Pilfrey says she's been sending him emails." " Look, dad..." " How about jellyfish?" "Jellyfish?" "No, thanks." "No." "Hold the jellyfish." "Still, Edwin..." "At least I can count on you." "To do the right thing." "What do you think about my little domain?" "Yes, very nice." "So glad you like it." "This is where I hang out under my "Feng", as it were." "I put my feet up, prepare the computer, I think." "And see patients, presumably?" "Let's not talk about patients, Estelle." "Let's talk about something a lot dearer and dearer to both our hearts." "Carreers." "Naughty Estelle!" "Naughty, naughty!" "Naughty-tees." ""She was a day tripper"" " "One"..." " "One way ticket"." ""One way ticket", yeah!" "This is the real me." "Oh." "Socks." "You bet your sweet life, socks." "Socks!" "Socks!" "Socks!" "Socks, socks, socks!" ""Our involvement has threatened to shake my marriage to Paul"?" ""He is old and tired, Ronnie, you are young and vibrant!"" "Sorry?" "Do you know who you are dealing with?" "Have you any idea what I'm capable of?" "Yes." "Top executive position, 80k plus car." "Look." "I feel closely connected to both of you." "I don't deny that I'm still drawn to you, Luce, but I know why you've gotta do what you've gotta do." "Yeah, Lucy's not got to do it with you." "Yes, I think we've already established that, babe." "Maybe I should get back to work." "We haven't talked about Rory." " We have to?" " Well yeah, cause he's just walked in." " Hi." " Hey, Rory." "Hi." "Just thought I'd come over and see you guys." "Oh, that's really nice." "I'm really glad." "It's always really nice to see you." "Rosie, is... is Estelle still here?" "Yeah, she's in with dr." "Pilfrey." "See?" "She'd rather be with Pilfrey than with us." "Dad, please, get it together!" " She loves you!" " Yeah, yeah, yeah." "No, I'm being serious!" "What's the password to her email then?" "Barcelona." "Your honeymoon." "Is that right?" "Yeah." "Edwin..." "How do you know Estelle's email password?" "Does that really matter?" "Have you been sending emails on Estelle's behalf?" "And are they in a broad sense... hormonal?" "Edwin, I'm gonna have some very serious words with you." "Words like..." ""Well" and "done", and "good" and "on" and "you"." "Let's..." "let's..." " Did you see that?" " What?" "That!" "He hugged him!" "Why shouldn't he?" "They used to sleep together when he was younger." " Excuse me." " Beat it, surgery's nine to one." " He did what?" " My name's Louis." "I've come to inspect the practice." "You come in twos these days, do you?" "I'm sorry?" "I suppose there has to be some safe card if only to keep people like my collegue over there from having sex with you." "Dr. Pilfrey!" "You know what I'm talking about, Estelle, you saw it too!" "I haven't the faintest idea what you're going on about!" "You haven't made any kind of sense since I got here!" "I will be in my consulting room if you want me." "I suppose you and dr." "Slippery and that young poofter friend of yours have got it all sewn up anyway." "I never realised that Paul had that side to his nature." "Well, I suppose we're all as God made us." "But I think that I'm beginning to understand why you sent me that email." "It was a cry for help, wasn't it?" "I thrill to the secrecy of what we have between us." "You used me to give you solice from a loveless marriage." "But what is there now, Estelle?" "What is there now?" "Is he allright?" "Not completely, no." "Would you excuse me a moment?" "I just need to talk to my wife." "Edwin has been a very, very naughty boy." "He has!" "Of course, that's why Pilfrey thought I was coming onto him!" "For a moment I thought you were, too." "For God's sake, Paul, we've been married forever, how could you possible believe I'd allow a creep like Pilfrey to come onto me?" "I don't know how I could believe it, either, but believe I did." "You always were capable of believing six impossible things before breakfast." "I suppose I still find it impossible to think that you still love me after all this time." "Although..." "You appear to do so." "Right, now I'm gonna go and tell Pilfrey that the sexy woman who has been sending him these emails is, in fact, Edwin." "I'm sure he won't have a problem with that." "Listen, I've been talking to your colleague..." " Dr. Pilfrey..." " It's okay, it's okay." "Yeah, I know, I take the point." "You have no colleague." "No one was here." "There's no such thing as an NHS mole." "No teenage secret agent." "We're not watched." "Of course we're not." "No, you're not!" "Straight bat, straight bat, I like your style!" "You can level with me." "You send in a spy to ferret around." "A hard-ass." "It's okay, I can live with that!" "And I hear the new line is we all have to spend as much on our drug budgets as we possibly can." "I wouldn't exactly say that..." "I eat your word." "I know the rules." "Enough said." "Enough said." "Will you excuse me a moment, dr." "Pilfrey?" "Surely, surely." "You know, earlier on, when I said that your young colleague was a poofter, that was just..." "it's an expression." "No offence." "No offence." "It's not a word I like particularly." "When you've lived very happily with another man in a loving relationship, for 16 years, it's the sort of word that makes you a bit tired, but, you know..." "fair enough." "Fair enough." "Well, what news?" "I think dr." "Pilfrey is a little stressed." "He seems fixated on the fact that I have a colleague." "You have!" "It was a young man, waiting for Paul with a health authority file." "In a suit?" "Bit of a charity shop number?" " That's him." " Rosie, that was Edwin!" "Didn't you recognise him?" "Pilfrey..." "I don't know how to put this, but I..." "I think it's possible that you may just have mistaken my youngest son for an NHS inspector." "It's easily done because he had the file and..." "Aren't you a tiny bit amused?" "It is quite funny, Ronnie." "Is it?" "He's only just old enough to drive a car." "I think you'll find there are fairly hefty penalties for impersonating a member of the National Health Service." "Come on, Ronnie." "It was just a case of mistaken identity." "You've three sons, don't you?" "I do." "And you bring them all up to be smug, antisocial bastards?" "Now look here, Pilfrey..." "What is that ridiculous gesture supposed to mean?" "Ask your wife." "She seems to rather like my ridiculous hand gestures." "What on earth is the matter, Pilfrey?" "Ask her about her emails, Mr. Smuck." "Now, look, Ronnie, you may wanna sit down here..." "You see, the thing is I've always tried to bring up my boys..." "Stop going on about your boys!" "One of the things I hate most about you is your horribly cosy little family where you're all the wonderful caring and sharing and little..." " All right, you little twerp..." " Stop it, you two, just stop it!" "I win." "You lose." "I think you're not a well man, Pilfrey." "Pilfrey not happy." "Pilfrey's not a happy Pilfrey." "Everyone hates Pilfrey." "Weep for Pilfrey." "Weep for Ronald Evershot Pilfrey." "So that's what the E stands for." "So what happened then?" "Did the men in white coats turn up and stick him in a bin?" "We do not have men in white coats, Edwin." "It's women now." "Equal coat opportunities." "Then he cried." "It was really quite shocking." "I mean God knows, Pilfrey's been the bane of my life and Estelle's, come to that, but you never see the chap cry." "I felt bad about it really." " Why did you feel bad?" " Because I should've seen it coming." "He had all the classic signs of hypomania, euphoria turning to rage, high energy level, loss of judgement..." "Of course, he fancied me." " That's not what I meant." " No, no, I know I'm past my prime." "No, I think you look stunning, Estelle." "When I'm really old, I hope I'll look like you." "Thank you, Lucy." "Anyway, the point is the man needed help." "He kept talking about how lonely he was." " Where are you going?" " Tell them to turn it down." "For God's sake, Paul." "What?" "I've gotta get up in the morning." "Can you turn it down, please?" "You're not the only one who's gotta get up." "I've got a job too, you know." "No, I know." "You're very professional." "Oh." "Thank you very much." "Feel free to patronise me anytime you want." "I didn't mean to patronise you, it's just..." "I can now remember exactly when it was that we last had sex." " When?" " 1392." "Oh, for God's sake, Paul, you've gotta do something." "Rip my clothes off, anything." "But you've already taken them off." "I can't think about sex with this bloody music!" "Well..." "Let's play our own music!" "Come on, let's dance." "Relax, I want you to be stimulated by me!" "Well, I can't be relaxed and stimulated, can I?" "Turn that music down, please!" "Someone's gotta work tomorrow!" "Yeah, right, sorry." "Sorry." "Yes, I know, I should've knocked, cause you could've been..."