"What're you doing out here?" "Ms. Nipsy Russell." "I'm waiting for the cable guy." "All the houses look the same." "I don't want him to go to the wrong one." "The houses have different numbers, Kim." "That's why you call them addresses." "And I'm beginning to think I was a little blasé with you education-wise." "Ladies, what's going on, out here?" "Don't tell me that macintyre kid is playing ding-dong-ditch, again." "I'll give that little hoodlum a dressing down he'll never forget." "No, sweetheart." "Kim is waiting for the cable guy." "She hasn't had tv in 12 whole hours." "With a 12-hour head-start, how are you going to keep up with the kardashians?" "I'll go wrestle up some egg whites." " Oh, my god." " Boy." "Sorry about that, ladies." "I'll batten down the hatches a little tighter, next time." "Is that hair back there?" " But, there's so much." "So, so much..." " would you grow up?" " Hair." " All right," "Kim, knock it off." "I did not raise you to be intolerant of people." "I accept everyone for who they are." "You did not accept the indians when they lived next door." "That's not because they were indians." "It's because they had those dog-gone corn bushes that attracted every bug in the neighborhood." "I gave them a Christmas card." "Remember the one with the little baby jesus, dressed as one of santa's elves?" " That one was cute." " Very cute." "With the little halo, and the sparkling eyes." "Religious, but with a wink." "You know?" "Is it fixed yet, Craig?" "Is it?" "Did you fix it?" "Is it fixed yet?" "Scientists took like a billion, kajillion years to discover cable, okay?" "I can't just understand it in two seconds." "God, I should've married Tommy Conklin." "He installs car stereos at wal-mart." " He totally gets wires and stuff." " Go marry Tommy Conklin, Kim." "Have fun." "'cause he has a bent-over ear." "Okay?" "So have fun with that." "It's crazy looking." " That's very unattractive." " Yeah, my ears are perfect." "I'm constantly getting compliments on them." "Constantly." "It's like, irritating." "It's like," "I get it, I have good ears." "Leave me alone." "God, how did people do it in the olden days, without cable?" "I think I'm going to throw up." "Since the Tv's on the fritz, why don't you come with me to the stationery store?" "I want you to help me pick out wedding invitations." "I'll get it, that's him." "It's the cable guy." "I'm coming." "I almost got it, so." "I'm coming." "Thank you, god." "God, finally!" " Penny Peterson." "Gold south cable." " You're the cable guy?" "A cable lady!" "Well, that's unusual." "Penny Peterson, don't I know you?" "For sure, we totally went to Franz Ferdinand Magellan high together." " Sup?" " You know, whatever." " Totally." " It's your converter box." "Yeah, converter box, yeah." "How long will it take?" "'Cause there's a Denise Richards marathon at three, and it really is complicated." " It is." " That's for sure." "Well, converter box should take about two seconds, but I'm going to go ahead and troubleshoot the whole system, 'cause you know, that's how I do." "I am telling you, Penny Peterson, you are heaven-sent." "Ever since the cable went out, this one here's been acting like she lost a member of the family." "Well, I know how she feels." "This isn't just a." "A box full of wires and computer chips here, right?" "Keeps us company while we're lonely, cheers us up when we're sad." "Loves us when no one else will." "And it's got educational stuff too, all right." "If you like to learn junk." "It's better than family, 'cause, it, never lets you down." "I'm going to go get my other converter box." "That was dumb." "A lot of couples are sending out "save the date" cards." "I've never heard that before." "I like that, sounds very fancy." ""Save the date."" "It's just a fun, little card you can send out prior to sending the formal invite." "Just so people can get the date in their calendar." "Show her ours." "It's very." "Very unusual." "I mean, the card, not..." "I wasn't referring to you two or anything." "And we do digital off-set printing right here in the store." "Is that right?" "If you order 500 or more, you get 10% off on the envelope." "Mom is so lame." "She says she's all open-minded and liberalized, but she's so not." "... clings or shower curtains printed, your, information, if you want to give those as wedding favors." "I'm going to..." "I'm going to think about it." "But thank you for showing this to me." "It's very elegant." "And congratulations on your nuptials." "I can see that you two really do complement one another." "That's adorable." "I'm surprised at you, Kath Day." "Why do you have such a bee in your bonnet about those ladygays?" "You find gay men fun and fabulous." "I mean, George Michael?" "!" "Being my preacher-teacher..." "i'm ashamed of you, Kath." "I am." "Cute." " Cute, right?" " I love capri pants." "Did you know they were named after an island in greece?" "Old navy does not mess around." "Why do you have to ruin everything with history?" " Who are you texting?" " Penny Peterson." "She's my new BFF." "We found out we're pretty much kindled spirits." "In our wedding vows, you said that me and you were kindled spirits." "But, I guess, whatever." "Sir Craig." "What can I get for ye kind sir?" "Phil, I'm about to blow your mind right now." "All right." "The coney island." "And I would not say no to approximately three ranch dressings." "Okay, but news flash, the island is trying out a new" "Buffalo wing dipping sauce next week." "Further news flash, I've got some sample packs in the back room." "What do you say I take a couple of those bad boys out, and you give out for a spin?" "I will say this." "You know I'm hard on my dip." "So if I don't like it," "I'm going to be honest with you." "It'll be like a focus group, up in here." "I completely understand that." "And I respect you for it." " Of course." " All right, now, ladies." "If you." "I'll go, get the... sauce." "What?" "What?" "Would you stop acting like a three-year-old?" "!" "Because of you, he's very self-conscious about his" " "situation" back there." " What situation?" "It's like he has underwear made of fur." " All right." " Awesome." "Phil has carpet on the back porch?" "I love it." "How is it soft, or coarse?" "I'm fascinated." "Stop it." "I will not have you making fun of something that he can't control." "I accept everyone for who they are." "You two should take a cue from me." "Really?" "Like those ladies in the stationery store?" "She completely freaked out when she found out they were gay." "I did not, Kim." "They just caught me off guard, that's all." " What if I was gay?" " What?" "You could never be gay." "You're way too fashion-forward." "And even if you were, Tom Cruise says you can be cured of it, with vitamins and exercise." "Oh, my god." "Suri Cruise... she has, like, her own playground in their Beverly Hills compound." "I read that." "Well, she should." "She's Hollywood royalty." "I am wanting you, stable boy." "You better keep your rough hands off of me." "Daddy's going to be home any second." "Listen, lollipop, would you mind, just putting a pin in it, for a sec?" "Sure." "I really want to get real with you about something." "I want to know..." "just tell me the truth." "Are you turned off, by my... situation... back there?" "That darned Kim." "She's always stirring up cans of bees." "I guess I just always assumed that women would find it sexy." "You know, a sign of virility." "Like my leather jacket." "Or my genuine turquoise navajo ring." "I mean, was I wrong?" "Do you really, really, really, want to know what I think?" "I really do." "All right." "I'm not crazy, crazy, crazy nuts about it." "Good." "Great, okay." "Well, thank you." " Thank you for your honesty." " I'm sorry." "I'm a big boy." "I think I can handle it." "You are going to love this sea mud exfoliating mask." "Karen, I'd be lying if I told you I wasn't pretty jazzed about it." " Anything else?" " That'll do it." " Actually..." "We, we really don't do that here, Phil." "We only wax eyebrows." "Why don't we just call it two giant eyebrows?" "This analog Tv you got, is old school." "You got to hook yourself up with some hi-def capability." "I don't know, I kind of like it the way it is." "That's 'cause you haven't experienced it before." "Should be tried." "It's not like I haven't thought about it." "I guess I'm actually curious to see what it's like." "Okay, what do I do?" "You don't do nothing." "You just sit there, you relax, and you enjoy." "You're going to love this." "You want me to put it in?" "Oh my god, I love that!" "Thank you for stopping by." "I know you're in a run." "I'll make this real quick." "Yeah, hey, are you okay?" "You sounded kind of not great on the phone." "Did you and this is." "I don't want actual details, or anything, but have you noticed anything unusual before Kim moved out that" " happened in the boudoir?" " Really?" "It just seems kind of weird to talk about me and Kim's sex life, you know?" "'cause you're her mom, and stuff." "Yeah, I unders." "Listen." "That makes total sense." "I understand, I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable." "I have a good reason for this, trust me." "I'm just asking you to think real hard." "Just think." "Is there any." "Even the slightest thing that might stand out, Craig?" "All right." "Sometimes she likes to be where she can see the Tv, when we do it." "But... i mean, other than that, it's pretty much business as usual." "I don't know." "I just think we need to watch out for this Penny Peterson gal." "I know!" "What is the deal with her?" "Kim is like in love with this chick." "I know!" "That's what I'm sa..." "And you know how impressionistic Kim is, she's like a sheep." "What one sheep does, the other sheep follows." "And this whole Lindsay Lohan, Samantha Ronson hubbub." "You know, I think Penny Peterson likes girl sheep, if you know what I mean." "Yeah, are you." "Are you saying that" "Kim is trying to get, like, a three-way going?" "Think about what I just said, minus one sheep." "Minus one sheep." " Does that make sense?" " I'm sorry." "Can you just go through the whole thing one more time?" "But is it possible to use no sheep when you say it?" "'cause the sheep is what's confusing me." "It's throwing me off." "Penny Peterson is so funny." "I mean, she is like Ellen funny." "I saw Craig today, at the mall." "Has he been working out?" "It looked like he had guns." "Will you get me some soda, no ice, in the big blue cup?" "Sure." "Craig misses you so much, Kim." "Hey, you know what?" "I have an idea." "Why don't you two go out tonight for a nice romantic dinner, my treat?" "No, can't." "I'm going to go to the movies and then I'm going to go to that new place in the mall that has a million kinds of beer." "Penny Peterson and I are going to have a girls night." "Girls night." "Those guys over there..." "they completely keep looking over here." "Guys are so lame." "Should we invite them over here, and then totally shut them down?" "No, we should get them to buy us a couple of pitchers, and then shoot them down." "Excellent." "Except that blonde one." "He is cute." "I would do him." "Do what?" " Nasty sex." " I thought you were gay." "Why does everybody think I'm gay?" "Because you don't have acrylics on your nails, and large pores'total lack of concealer, plus, you know, you... you look and act very gay." " Hey, Penny Peterson." " Hey, Craig." "Can I talk to you for a second, please?" "Thanks." "Excuse us, just one second." "I'm having a girls night, with me and Penny Peterson." "Yeah, I can see that." "But look, Kim... some people, some very influential people in the community have told me that that you shouldn't be hanging out with Penny Peterson." "That's stupid." "Why shouldn't I be hanging out with Penny Peterson?" "Okay, I'm not 100% clear on that, because the people in the community were being sort of confusing about it." "Hey, Craig, buddy." "Listen." "I like you and all, but..." "Kim says you got to go, you got to go." "Kind of talking to my wife here." "So, thank you." "That's what I mean." "Did you just poke me?" "That's kind of a stupid question." "You just saw her poke you." " Doesn't feel so good, does it?" " Did you just poke that chick?" "Dude." "Okay, here we go." "You do not want any part of this, okay?" "So just go back to your little." "Your little fun platter your little fri." " Would you cut it out, Penny Peterson?" " Hey, don't yell at her, dude." "What man what are you going to do about it?" " What are you going to do, brah?" " I'm waiting on you, brah." "Bring it." "Dude doesn't know who I am, brah." "It's britney, bitch." "Come on." "No, I am kicking his ass." "Go." "Wedgies, you like wedgies?" "That's not fighting." "Get off me!" "Oh, my god!" "You want some more guacamole, honey?" "I think Kim is having lesbianic impulses." "Lesbi, what?" "She's always had difficult relationships with men." "Her marriage is going down the toilet." "I am afraid she is seeking emotional comfort in the arms of a woman." "I know that." "Un momento, Senorita." "I happen to have a lot of experience with gay lesbians." "My aunt Cammelia, Cammie for short, is a verc proud gay short-haired person who wears dungarees, and has a toothpick." "And she trains dogs." "She has a friend who has a mustache." "That is a gay woman." "I know a gay woman when I see one." "And I'm telling you," " Kim is not a gay wo..." " I hate men!" "They stink." "They are the worst." "And I hope I never see one again!" "Tacos, I love tacos." "Get your head on straight, Kath." "Straight, gay..." "I can't stop thinking about it." "Stop it right now, Kath-ay." "You are a modern gal of the 21st century." "I mean, 20th." "No, I was right." "21st, yeah." "The only reason you're all bojangled over this is because you don't know enough about it." "So do what you always do." "Get educated." "Consult with the experts." "Tout de suite." "I was going to surprise you." "Phil, you don't have to wax you situation for me." "I'm not waxing for you, honey." "I'm waxing for us." "Because making you happy makes me happy." "Phil come here." "As long as you know that I love you and accept you just as you are." "Just like I accept Kim for being a lesbian." " Is Kim really gay?" " Yes, definitely." "She fits the bill to a tee." "I did all my research last night, she just hasn't come out of the closet." "That would explain why she's so hostile to me." "You know, you should remove those strips before they harden." "All right." " Do it on three, but do it fast." " All right." "Ready..." "one... two... three." "Hello Texas!" "Good morning, sleepy head." "I have something very important to tell you." "I want you to know that I'm completely okay with your being gay." " I support you to the hilt." " I'm not gay." "You're not?" "!" "But what about your fast, and furious relationship with Penny Peterson?" " She's not gay." " She's not?" "!" "She's so... you know..." ""morning, cable."" " I know!" " But no." " I'm shocked." "Well, I got to say I'm a little disappointed." "I was really gearing up to be the cool mom with a lesbian daughter." "You know, like cher." "Well... all right, well." "That is correct." "The Craigger is in the house." " Now, I am so confused." " Don't be." "Last night was sick." "You rocked me like a porn star." "Are you two back together?" " Well, we're not sure." " Yes, we are." "Well, it's just pretty fragile at this point." "Is that cool?" "Is it cool if we just refer to us as "fragile"?" "But Kim, I thought you said you were done with men." "Yeah, I thought so too." "But then, Craig got in a fight in the bar last night." "Kim, you're just like your mom." "You always go for the bad boys." " I mean, look at Phil." " Well, it wasn't exactly a boy." " Check it." " Yeah, it was Penny Peterson." "And then I started thinking." "And I decided that seeing Craig on the floor, with Penny Peterson's foot on his throat was totally hot." "Now are you sure you're not some version of gay?" "Did you make this sangria?" "It's a powdered mix, I just added the canned peaches." "Delicious." "What is it?" "What is it, let me see." "I think I just got stung by a bee!" "Let me see." "What?" "You look like a movie star." " Really?" " Like Lisa Reynolds." "Let me see this." "That looks good." "And so much cheaper than botox!" "Take that stinger out, and shove it in my lip."