"Help me out here, doc, I need a time of death." "Sorry, lieutenant, but I can't give you an official ToD until I get her on the slab." "But based on hypostatic lividity and degree of rigor I'd say our cheerleader got her pom-poms pierced right around halftime." " Real?" " Real." "Anything else?" "Left-handed assailant, used a single-edged blade." "Multiple entry wounds and defensive trauma." "So how are we gonna find this psychopath?" "Well, like our killer, we'll just have to take a stab at it." "That's it." "So you think I'll get the part?" "Uh..." "Well, I, for one, totally buy you as a brilliant forensic investigator." "Thanks." "But I believe it's pronounced "fornesic. "" "What do you think, Charlie?" "Unbelievable." "Aww." "I mean, beyond belief." "That's sweet." "I mean, I just don't believe it." "You made your point, Charlie." "Do you like what I did with the glasses?" "On smart, off hot." "My mind is just completely blown." "So when are you gonna be on Tv?" "I have to pass the audition first." "Let's not put the can't before the whores." " Horse." " Ahem." "Maybe a little." "I've been rehearsing all day." " What's the name of the show?" " Stiffs." "Stiffs?" "You know, like dead bodies." "Oh, right." "Sure." "I know what you were thinking." "Well, I'd better go." "The auditiors at 4 and I still have to get my tan sprayed on." "Best of luck." "It has nothing to do with luck, Alan." "You just have to stand still and keep your eyes and mouth closed." "No, I..." "I meant..." "Never mind." " Knock them dead at the audition." " Thanks." "And thanks for lending me your chiropractor coat." "It makes me feel like a real doctor." "Now you know why Alan wears it." "Okay, well, tell me how it goes." "I will." "Oh, and by the way, did you get the divorce papers?" "Not really but my lawyer explained them to me." "Bye." "They need to be signed." "Kandi?" "Hey, what's your hurry?" "If she becomes a big Tv star while you're married, she'll have to pay you alimony." "Yeah, and if pigs start flying out of my rear end we'll have free bacon for the rest of our lives." "I don't know that I'd eat that bacon." "Isn't anybody gonna get that?" " Jake?" "Yeah?" " What are you doing?" " Hanging posters." "Did you consider using Scotch tape?" "It doesn't hold as well." "Especially her." " Who is that?" " Raven." "She's the North American ladies' wrestling champ." "Aha." "All oiled up and ready to wrestle." "Damn it, this isn't funny." "Quick little bastards." "What happened to your Harry Potter posters?" "I'm not a kid anymore, Dad." "You don't have to be a kid to like Harry Potter." "You want it, take it." "Oh, Harry." "You crumpled Harry." " Do you remember when we got this?" " Nope." "Oh, come on." "We stood on line outside that bookstore at midnight to get one of the first copies." "You were dressed as Harry and I was Dumbledore." "Don't remember, Dad." "Sure you do." "You made fun of that kid because he had a mop instead of a broom and he started crying and his father punched me in the chest?" "No." "Yeah, well, you werert the one with the cracked rib." "Anyway, what...?" "What prompted you to redecorate like this?" "I don't know." "I like cars and wrestling." "And wet T-shirts, apparently." "Oh, there is a wet T-shirt in that." "I hadrt noticed." "Hah!" "Huh." "Jake's redecorating." "Yeah, I can see that." "Oh, Raven." "Those are fake, by the way." "Charlie?" "What?" "He has a right to know." "I'm just glad the little guy's got me to..." "Wait a minute." "Are those nails in my wall?" "Are you out of your freaking mind?" " No." " No?" "That's your answer?" "No?" "Yeah." "Charlie." "Charlie, come on." "Come on." "Oh, for God's sake, these are railroad spikes." "I'll putty over it." "That's not plaster board, that's stucco." "You can't putty stucco." " I know, I'll fix it." "Let's give him privacy." " All right, wait, wait, wait." "At least I can take one hammer out of his hand." "ALAN Jake, look at Daddy." "Look at Daddy." "Look at Daddy." "Ah." "That's my boy." "Wave at Daddy." "Yes, Daddy's over here." "Wasrt he adorable?" "Yeah." "Hey, could you rewind to Judith breast-feeding him?" "That was really adorable." "Especially the part where she does the old switcheroo." "I miss that little boy." "It seems like only yesterday, I could hold him in one arm." "He didn't weigh more than 8 or 9 pounds." "He craps more than that now." "Where did the time go?" "I mean, his childhood is almost over and there's still so much stuff I wanna do with him." " Like what?" " Well, you know, father-son stuff." "I mean, pretty soon, there'll be no more playing catch or riding bikes." "Do you realize I've never even taken him fishing or camping or hunting?" "Do you know how to fish or camp or hunt?" "That's not the point." "I thought we would learn together." "That's good." "You and knucklehead out in the woods taking turns, shooting each other in the ass." "Okay, it's not so much about hunting per se." "Per se." "There's an outdoorsy phrase." "It's about bonding." "Before you know it, he'll have no interest in spending time with me at all." "Not unless you grow boobs and straddle a Harley." "All right, it doesn't help to whine about it." "If you wanna get lost in the woods with Jerky Gherkineimer, go do it." "My life is just one big joke to you, isn't it?" "Actually, it's more of a limerick." "There once was a moron named Al Who wanted to camp with his pal" "Any chance you can go camping in Nantucket?" "So, Charlie, where's the wife and kid?" "They went camping to do some father-son bonding." "And when they looked at the door handle of the car there was nothing there but a hook." "Hook?" "That makes no sense." "Oh, I left out a part." "The guy who escaped from the insane asylum had lost his hand in some kind of industrial accident." "Anyway, they..." "They replaced it with sharp metal hook." "And it was said hook that was stuck on the aforementioned door handle." "Wooo-ooo-ooo." "Dad, over the past three birthdays, I've gotten $ 175 in bookstore gift cards." "They're yours if we could just go home." "No, no, we're..." "We're having fun." "Hey, hey, I know." "We'll sing a song." "Come on." "You used to love this one." "Come on." "Oh, come on." "We had an adventure." " Dad?" " Yeah, buddy?" "Bite me." "You'll see." "Someday you and I will look back on this weekend and laugh and laugh..." "I didn't say someday soon." "Hey, come on." "I thought you liked wet T-shirts." "Hey." "Hey." "Shut up." "Oh, come on, Alan, we both know I can't do that." "What do you want me to say?" "It was a bad idea?" "Okay, it was a bad idea." "The only thing we bonded over was our mutual discomfort with pooping into a coffee can." "It wasrt Chock full o'Nuts, was it?" "Sorry, sorry." "Where's Jake?" "He went back to his friends in Hooterville." "Well, I can't blame him." "It never rains in Hooterville." "Look, Alan, seriously, I'm sorry it didn't work out." " I know your heart was in the right place." " Thank you." "Now, I finished the limerick, you wanna hear it?" "Too soon?" "You don't get it." "You don't understand what it's like to be a little boy's best friend to be someone he looks up to." "Then one day, you turn around and the person he looks up to is covered with baby oil and nailed to the ceiling." "Count your blessings." "There's all kinds of pictures that could be up there." " I guess." "It could have been the Moscow Ballet." "I got it." "Still, I can't help but feel a little empty inside." "Like a chapter of my life is over." "So?" "You've still got plenty to look forward to." "You mean, besides work, loneliness and death?" "Absolutely." "There's memory loss." "Impotence." "Adult diapers." "I'm all you've got, pal." "That's true." "My wives are gone, my son is grown." "But I'll always have you." "My brother." "Forever." "Okay, now I was just having fun but that was mean." "Well, when will he be back?" "All right, tell him I called again." "Boy, some agent." "He never calls, he never returns my calls." "I'm almost sorry I let him feel me up." "Well, I guess that's showbiz." "That's what he said." " Listen, Kandi..." " I thought they liked me at that audition." "They had me read three times and all the jumping jacks..." " Jumping jacks?" " It's an action series, Alan." "They need to know that I'm fit." "Ah." "Uh..." "Listen, Kandi, there's something I wanted to talk to you about." "If it's the divorce papers, I haven't signed them yet." "No, no, that's not why I'm here." "Sweetie, do you remember why we split up?" " The big reason or all the little reasons?" " The big one." " Because there were a lot of little reasons." " I know." " Like the way your toenails grow all crazy." " Right." " And your ear hair and your nose hair." " Got it." "And that one long hair on your back." "Yuck." "Okay, forget the little reasons, just the big one." "Yeah, you didn't wanna have a baby and I did." "Right." "Well..." "What would you say if I were to tell you that I've changed my mind about that?" " Really?" " Yeah." "I've just been thinking that Jake is almost grown and there's still a lot of daddy left in me." "So you wanna have a baby?" "Yes, I do." "A fresh start." "A new chapter." "Wow, that's a big step." "Yeah." "I know." "I know it is." "So if you wanna think about it, I..." "No, that's okay." "Let's make a baby." "Just like that?" "Don't you wanna talk about it some more?" "Alan, it's practically all we talked about our entire marriage." "Baby, baby, toenails, baby, ear hair, baby, how clocks work, baby." "So you really wanna do this?" "Do what?" "You see, if you use tape it's much easier to rotate in new posters when these ones stop working for you." "I don't think that's gonna happen." "Trust me, after a while these beautiful eyes are gonna be filled with judgment and condemnation." "What are you talking about?" "Okay, maybe that was just me." "Anyway, you're lucky your dad lets you hang posters like this." "I guess." " Does your mother let you?" " No way." "So, what do you got at her house, a secret stash of magazines?" "Just one." "Playboy, 1998, the Christmas issue." "God bless Hugh Hefner, huh?" "God bless Kimberly Macadoo from Portland, oregon." "Born March 4th, 1979." "Turn-ons:" "Sunshine and goatees." "Turn-offs:" "Judgmental people and war." "You gotta love a chick who doesn't like war." "Tape me." "Hey, Uncle Charlie, could you do me a favor?" "If it's the favor I'm thinking of, not until you're 18 and not in my house." " What?" " Nothing." "Nothing." "What do you need?" "Could you get my dad to lay off the father-son stuff?" "It's kind of lame." "Lame?" "You think it's lame your father cares so much about you and wants nothing more than to be a part of your life?" "Yeah." "Look, you gotta understand what your father's going through." "What do you mean?" "Okay, here's the deal." "Your father has reached a very difficult age." "It's confusing and a little bit scary for him." "Scary how?" "Well, first of all, his body's changing." " Really?" " Oh, yeah." "Hair is growing where it's never grown before." "That is scary." " And then there's the hormones." " Hormones?" "Yep." "Your father is running out of them." "That sounds bad." "No, no, it's just a perfectly natural part of growing old, Jake." " Is it happening to you?" " No, no." "No, no." "My point is that your father is going through this phase and you have to be patient and understanding." "So he's gonna wanna go camping again?" "Probably not in this lifetime." "But you might have to play catch with him or something." "Guess I could do that." "Attaboy." "All right, well, I'm glad we had this little talk." "Ahem." "I'm gonna go get hammered." "Hello, ladies, I'm Harry Potter." " Is there anything special we have to do?" " Oh, no." "It's a regular sex but without the last-minute fumbling for a condom." "Oh, okay." "But I still get all the rest of the fumbling, right?" "I prefer to call that foreplay." "Hold on." "Hello?" "This is she." "Uh-huh." "Uh-huh." "Uh-huh." "Hold on a sec." "Here, we're divorced." "Okay, I'm back." "You were saying?" "Really?" "I got the part?" "Thank you so much." "Thank you, thank you, thank you." "Alan, I got the part." "Oh." "Oh, that's terrific." "Congratulations." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, put that thing away." " But I thought..." " oh, please." "Nobody wants to see a pregnant "fornesic" investigator." "Hey, can we still do it with a condom?" "Hey, Dad, after this, wanna go play catch?" " It's dark out." " Okay." "I tried." "Help me out here, doc." "I need a time of death for our little cheerleader." "I can't give you an official TOD until I get her on the slab." "But based on hypostatic lividity and degree of rigor I'd say our cheerleader got her pom-poms pierced around halftime." "Anything else?" "Left-handed assailant, used a single-edged blade." "Multiple entry wounds and defensive trauma." "So how are we gonna find this psychopath?" "Well, like our killer, we'll just have to take a stab at it." "Unbelievable." "Yeah." "They're real, you know." "I know." "I was married to her." "Oh, yeah." "Dog." "You know what?" "I'll be in my room." "So when are you guys going fishing?"