"Don't you think we're too old for this sort of thing?" "Remember last year?" "Potato-sack luge." "And the endless wheelbarrow race." "Time to separate the champs from the armchair apple-bobbers." "It's the wheelbarrow race!" "Hello!" "I'm feeling that in the past you've been torn between prior commitments, new goals." "Go for the fresh start." "You'll find love, support and profound happiness." "Thanks, but I just want some popcorn." "Bon appétit." "Come on, Dad, we've won every other event." "Can't we sit this one out?" "No way!" "Did Ted Williams sit out the last game to protect his.400 average?" "He went to the plate and batted.345." "Who's Ted Williams?" "Ted Williams." "Never mind." "In the past, you've been held back, but you'll have a chance to put down some new emotional roots." "You'll find some major challenges in your future." "I'm just a kid." "What will I be when I grow up?" "Well, you're gonna be a dancer." "Who wants to be a dancer?" "All right, that's not what I meant." "I mean, a...." "Try astronaut." "Astronaut." "If you're so sure of yourself, you don't need me." "Thanks." "Okay, so who's gonna be my wheel?" "Sam, we're on a roll." "Want to bring home the gold?" "Time to make the family proud." "Hi, what do you want to be?" "Dancer?" "Astronaut?" "Popcorn." "Take it and go." "Hi." "Hi, Emma!" "Honey, why doesn't anybody want to hear my predictions?" "I don't know, Mom." "But I predict Dad will never choose me to be on his team." "Go!" "Come on, Sam!" "You can do this!" "Come on, don't give up!" "Don't buckle!" "We're almost there!" "We got it!" "We got it!" "All right!" "Continuing their father-daughter dynasty in the wheelbarrow competition Jerry and Sam Stanton." "First prize!" "Don't even think about it." "Come on, Denise." "I'm on fire." "The wheelbarrow race, three-legged race, potato sack." "The kid and moi." "We were great!" "Which I have to talk to you about." "Get out of the way." "Bet I sink these in two seconds." "Time me." "Move." "Okay, Jerry, sink those dishes." "What are you, 9?" "It was just a stupid wheelbarrow race." "There's a gene-pool problem." "Excuse me?" "I must've missed the good-athlete gene." "Come on, we have to talk." "All right." "Race you to the couch." "Win!" "Victory!" "Okay, are you listening?" "This is important." "Okay." "You've got to stop pigeonholing the girls." "There's more to Sam than sports and more to Emma than pretty dresses." "Don't be so hard on yourself." "You're pretty decent at sports." "Decent?" "I'm the only kid in Evansville history to strike out in T-ball." "I never got the feeling that Emma's big on sports." "You should've seen the look on Emma's face when you chose Sam for the race." "That wheelbarrow race is a physically demanding event and Emma had that hand injury a few weeks back." "A broken nail." "Exactly, and I thought it might throw her game." "Come on, we both know why you chose Sam." "It's because you wanted to win." "You always want to win." "No, I don't." "Yes, you do." "Don't." "Do." "Are you making fun of me?" "Give it up." "You win!" "Mark McGwire used to strike out in T-ball." "Is that true?" "No." "But if it makes you feel better, I'd trade every one of those trophies for one of the looks you get from all the guys." "Guys are always coming up to you." "The only guy who's approached me was the football coach." "And he was looking for a place-kicker." "Ouch!" "What was that?" "That's it." "I'm holding a garage sale." "Drop us off a few blocks away next time." "You're at that age where you don't want to be seen with me." "Say no more." "When you age, you can better tolerate humiliation." "That must be it." "Hey, Kenny!" "Hey, Ari!" "How about kayaks?" "We have a special today on kayaks." "I can do what?" "No, why don't you take the kayak" "Dave." "Ma'am, I" "Hello?" "Must have got cut off." "Customers always think they're right." "Because they are, Dave." "Look at that." "It never ceases to amaze me." "Six years in youth soccer league, and six championships for our team." "Quite a run." "I got an idea." "We should start our own hall of fame." "Put these babies there." "Remember this." "It's the end of an era." "What are you talking about?" "You might want to sit down for this." "What's going on?" "I don't know how to say it." "I can tell you fast or drag it out." "Dave, we close at 6." "Two words: "Co-ed. "" "That's one word." "Coed what?" "One more word: "Coed soccer league."" "There are gonna be girls in our league?" "This is a threat to our existence." "You know expansion dilutes the talent pool in baseball." "We're not talking about underachievers who are lucky to be in the league." "It's girls!" "We're heading into the great unknown." "Girls bring a whole other component into the game." "Tears fashion their moms." "Wait a minute, I'm covered." "I got Sam." "You know about the league going coed?" "Margie told me." "It's perfect for you to get involved with both the girls." "What better way to treat them as equals?" "Coaching girls, I don't know if that's a good idea." "What's not good?" "The soccer league has gone coed." "He wanted you both..." "...to play on his team." "I never" "Cool!" "I'm sick of being in girl leagues." "Emma?" "I guess so." "That is, if Dad wants me to." "Jerry?" "You kidding?" "I'd love to have you on the squad." "You'd bring to the team a whole lot of...." "You've got all that...." "Well, you guys would be an unbeatable pair." "Guys." "So which one of you is coming in second this year?" "I wouldn't be so overconfident." "It's not the same league." "You know what they say about girls, they're great equalizers." "Do the kneepads go with the wristbands?" "You look like a million bucks." "One little tip, though..." "...you may want to lose the glasses." "Okay." "How about everything else?" "A little much." "Okay." "I hope Emma will be okay." "A draft can be intense." "Draft?" "What draft?" "Draft." "When we pick the players." "You didn't say there was a pecking order." "Can't you just divvy them up or something?" "These are players, not playing cards." "I realize that." "Well, then naturally you're going to pick Emma first." "Jerry, you were going to make Emma your first pick." "Don't take this wrong there's a good chance she'll still be available by the third round." "I can't believe it." "If you don't pick her first, it defeats the purpose." "What if Sam won't be around by my last pick?" "That's just a risk we're going to have to take, won't we?" "Won't we, Jerry?" "Yeah." "Please." "Thanks." "This is a warm-up drill." "We kick it back and forth." "Can you say, "Block that kick"?" "Why?" "That's what you'll be chanting when they demote you to cheerleaders." "What's his problem?" "Not enough love as a child?" "His younger sister beat him up once." "He's never been the same." "Here, I'll show you how to do a header." "Okay, you know the drill!" "This coed thing doesn't change things." "Just more players for coaches to watch, more draft picks to make." "So let's get started on the tryouts right away." "Hustle!" "Slim pickings." "Coaches!" "You've seen the players." "Time to make your picks." "Jerry, as champ last year, you get to start." "Okay." "With our first pick, the Hurricanes choose..." "..." "Emma Stanton." "Me?" "Dad, are you sure?" "Of course I'm sure." "We'll do great." "Mitch!" "Sal!" "You're up." "Sam, is that trick knee bothering you?" "What trick knee?" "My kid sometimes the pain is so intense she forgets all about it." "The Bulls choose Wyatt Peterson." "Frankie Rodriguez." "Peterson." "We agreed on Rodriguez." "No, you agreed on Rodriguez." "The Bulls choose Rodriguez!" "Peterson!" "Guys!" "I'll get you an appointment with Judge Judy, okay?" "Odds or evens?" "Evens." "One, two, three" "Frankie, come on down." "That Rodriguez better be good." "Otherwise, you're in for it." "You owe me one." "Adrian!" "Sam!" "Will you miss any games because of those Saturday-morning art classes?" "That was finger painting, Dad, like 10 years ago." "Adrian!" "On behalf of the Redcoats how about you?" "Yes!" "Two down, one to go." "Mike!" "Yeah, I'm just going over some stats." "That Deluca kid, he's a one-man highlight reel, isn't he?" "Do you mind?" "Sorry." "Okay, based on this, I'm gonna go with that Deluca kid." "That's the end of the first round." "Time to do it all again." "Jerry!" "That would be me." "Guys!" "Sorry I'm late." "I didn't miss the draft, did I?" "Hello, Willard." "Not interrupting your lunch, are we?" "You're just in time." "Pick someone." "Well, the Buzzards go" "We're in the middle of the second round." "Relax, he's a few minutes late." "Willard, pick." "Seeing as how we're going coed this year I think the Buzzards will go with...." "How about Sam?" "I'm smitten." "His name is Greg, and he's ridiculously hot." "The guy who came from Glenwood?" "That's him." "I hope he hasn't noticed me staring at him." "Why not introduce yourself?" "Because I'd have to remember my name." "Relax, he's just a guy." "Guy to you, god to me." "Is that him over there?" "I'm out of here." "No you don't!" "We're gonna go introduce ourselves." "I can't." "Just stay right behind me." "It'll be easier than you think." "Hi, we wanted to introduce ourselves." "Well, I'm very-- I mean we're very happy to meet you." "Oh, that!" "When I said "we," I meant me." "It's an old tradition that I started today." "I'm Greg." "I'm Emma." "Emma, I've got a class to go to." "Bye." "It was very nice to meet you all." "Sam!" "We can't dig ourselves out of this hole." "Let's face it, the Hurricanes' dynasty is over." "Let's just chalk it up to being a rebuilding year." ""Rebuilding year." What kind of talk is that?" "You used to stop at nothing for a victory." "I'm still gonna try to win the championship." "Yeah, how do you plan to do that?" "Every year we won the championship, we had a star player." "And now that Sam's gone how are you gonna do it?" "Well, guess I'm just gonna have to become a better coach." "Blue and white?" "Traditional Hurricane colors." "See if it fits." "I won't win any fashion awards this year." "You look great in anything." "I'll see you out on the field." "We're on the same team?" "Does my dad know you got beat up by your younger sister?" "She's a lot bigger than I am." "She punched me when I wasn't looking." "Folks, gather round!" "I want to say a few words." "Guys, you are about to embark on a great journey." "You've been chosen to represent the Hurricanes." "Champions for six years." "Everyone has been specially picked." "Bobby is our main scorer." "Richie is goalie, the heart of our defense." "Now we'll win big, and we'll win ugly." "This will be the greatest team in the history of this league." "Right?" "Right!" "Now let's get out there and practice." "Look, honey, I want to start you on defense out there, okay?" "Dad, blue isn't my best color." "Are you really committed to blue and white?" "Honey, that ship has already sailed." "No problem, I can live with that." "This was the competitive boys' league I was waiting for?" "Come on, guys, there she is." "Are you Sam Stanton?" "That depends." "Well, Sam, me and the team just want to welcome you on board." "The Longview Funeral Home Buzzards?" "They're a really cool sponsor." "They let me and Robert use the place for some bio experiments." "Yeah, try it on." "After all, you are one of us now." "One of us!" "One of us!" "Sorry." "You're just a little overaggressive." "Try under-coordinated." "Better luck next time." "Who's next?" "That's good." "Good thing you got a helmet on." "Try to stay on your feet." "Okay, next!" "Easy on those rubber bands, Oscar." "Remember, orthodontia is not a weapon." "Okay, let's see." "Yeah." "Em, what were you thinking?" "Sorry." "We'll go over one of my favorite plays." "What I like to refer to as the "Stanton sneak."" "When we draw the defense to Bobby, we have 2 options:" "Pass to Andy, who'll be going down the sidelines or go to Emma, who'll be cherry picking by the goal." "Let's get out there and try it." "Come on!" "Adam!" "I know I'm supposed to wait by the goal but what's up with this cherry picking?" "Simple, it's the old sleeper play." "Sure, the old sleeper play." "All you gotta do is make it through and you get a piece of pizza." "Next!" "Next!" "Where's your pizza?" "It's hard to eat with this thing." "But I am hungry." "Here." "I'll give it a shot, but you might want to turn your head." "It could get ugly." "Okay, team!" "Two laps around the field." "One, two, three, kick!" "One, two, three, kick!" "Yes!" "I'm in the zone." "I'm on fire!" "Best two out of three?" "Sorry, Mr. Stanton, I've got homework to do." "I'll see you around." "Okay, next!" "Who's next?" "Step right up." "How about you?" "Come on." "There he goes again." "I guess I was hoping that playing for Dad would as commercials say, "bring out the athlete in me. " It didn't work." "And I was hoping to kick butt at practice." "Not eat stupid pizza." "You get pizza?" "Cool!" "You'd be better off with Willard." "And you'd be better off with Dad." "Change places?" "What do you think?" "Why not?" "Remember in second grade?" "We fooled everybody." "We could still pull off the sister swap." "I'm sure Dad wouldn't mind." "And Willard wouldn't even notice." "There's just one problem:" "Mom." "Can't we switch behind her back?" "But she's coming to all the games." "We should tell her soccer isn't working out." "She's a psychologist, Sam." "Better we hint, and let her draw it out." "Okay." "Mom, could we talk to you?" "It's kind of important." "Sure you can." "Come on in." "So, what's up?" "To tell you the truth, Mom as far as soccer goes, I'm not sure I'm quite up to Dad's speed." "But you will be." "Your father's promised me that coaching you is his first priority." "How about you, Sam?" "Willard's team is a little informal." "I mean, he orders pizza at practice." "That sounds great." "Nice that he's not obsessed with winning." "Mom, I guess what Sam and I are saying is we think that it'd be better if maybe we could" "Girls, about the soccer league, I'm afraid I have bad news to tell you." "My Family Dynamics seminar just got changed to Saturdays." "I won't be able to make any of your games." "You won't?" "I mean, that's too bad, Mom." "We could use you out there cheering us on." "In the excitement of the game nothing gives you that boost like having your mom" "Well, homework beckons." "Yeah!" "As always, thanks for your sympathetic ear." "I see why people think you're the coolest shrink around." "Girls, didn't you have something to tell me?" "No, you covered everything." "Yeah." "Yes!" "Yes!" "Easy with the laces!" "How about the ones with Velcro?" "Velcro?" "Why don't you just fit me for a pair of polyester sweats too?" "Now, Taylor, the salesman is only trying to be helpful." "Watch it!" "I have a very delicate bone structure." "Interesting." "My cousin has a delicate bone" "Who cares?" "Not you." "Not me." "I'll be right back." "Hey, Dad." "Look who's here!" "You guys just made my day." "I love surprise visits." "So, what's up?" "Em and I were thinking about this whole soccer thing." "To start, playing for Willard hasn't been the jump to the big league I expected." "I wanted to play for you, and I appreciate you picking me but let's face it, I stink." "You're being a little hard on yourself." "I just think of you as a work in progress." "Better cut to the chase." "Dad, what do you say to a trade?" "A trade of what?" "A trade of us." "You guys want to trade places?" "It's brilliant." "I'll play for Willard, and Sam will play for you." "Everybody gets what they want." "Except Willard." "You could trade Willard and he wouldn't even notice." "I don't know, you guys." "I mean even if I were to agree to this, and I'm not saying I would..." "...we'd never get it past Mom." "Who says she has to find out?" "So you're not telling Mom?" "It's not like we're quitting." "We're just switching teams." "So you have this all figured out." "Complete with daily alibi." "When the Buzzards practice, Sam will go to the library." "When the Hurricanes practice, Sam will go as me and Emma will hit the books." "Mom won't be able to tell." "You've certainly done your research." "I'm not sure about this." "Time for the hard sell." "Dad, this is bigger than all of us." "Isn't it beautiful, Em?" "It's so pretty." "Do you want the Hurricanes to lose the first year they go coed?" "No, not really." "This is a big deal, huh?" "It's really" "You have no idea." "This is all just a silly soccer league to me, right?" "But if it's that important...." "Totally, Dad." "Because I'm doing this for you guys." "This isn't some way for me to get Sam on the team, just so I can win." "Dad, that thought never even crossed our minds." "Good." "As long as we're straight on that." "We're gonna have a great front line." "Can we really pull this off?" "We're twins." "Pulling off a switch is our birthright." "My grandmother kicks harder!" "And my grandmother's dead." "How about that, pal?" "What is that?" "You've got nothing." "Got nothing too." "You're worse than Andy." "You're making me laugh." "Stop!" "This is funny." "Hey, Emma, no hands." "Did I just score a goal?" "Beginner's luck." "We're gonna run play 32." "Now Sa" " Emma, I want you to break out of the pack when Andy centers the ball." "Okay?" "Break!" "Why run a play for that dorkette?" "All right!" "Way to go!" "Must be her lucky day." "Daphne, darling, I'm in the middle of a very important game." "Are you sure this can't wait?" "Okay, let's go with the cesarean." "Go on, sweetheart." "Go!" "She broke the scoring streak!" "Let's hoist her!" "We're number one!" "We're number one!" "We're number one!" "I'm off to practice." "Bye, Em." "Wait a minute, Sam." "Where are you going?" "The library, where else?" "Since when do you go to the library?" "Since...." "Since I suddenly realized that I know absolutely nothing about the Dewey Decimal System." "Bye!" "You and me both." "When I made that goal, Richie was sure I was you." "And he called me a dorkette." "I wish I'd seen his face." "Richie's kind of mean to me, but he's sort of cute." "Yeah." "Did you see my goal?" "I just hope they don't think I can do that all the time." "You think the switch is working?" "I love how good you make me look." "All right, here we go." "There it is." "Now we got it going." "Look at this." "Who's that guy with the red beard?" "He's good." "He kind of looks like Alexi Lalas." "Who's that?" "He plays for Kansas City." "He's great." "Can he play for our team?" "I don't think so." "Okay, coaches, these are the standings so far." "The Hurricanes are winning." "My, my, what a surprise!" "How did Jerry turn Emma into Pelé?" "You mean Alexi Lalas." "Pelé's the best player ever." "Alexi's the best player currently." "But if Pelé was playing now..." "...he'd be the best." "If Alexi played then he'd be the best player playing the game." "Okay, guys, let's get some rest for tomorrow." "You played good today." "I'm going to go change." "See you at the van." "All right." "I want you to know, I still hate you, but you're not the world's worst player." "Looks like my stock is rising." "Are you ignoring me, or wearing an invisible Walkman?" "Didn't you hear me, Emma?" "Emma!" "That's right, that's my name!" "How'd you know I was here?" "You play for your dad's team so I figured I could talk to you easier here than around a mob of guys." "Oh, I hate when that happens." "So, you busy Friday?" "Nope, are you?" "No, I meant like a date." "A date?" "With me?" "Yeah, who else?" "So, what do you say?" "Sounds great." "Cool." "I'll see you at Tacky's." "What is Emma's jersey doing in Sam's bag?" "I could have sworn I put them in" "No, but I'm planning to go to the library later this week." "Oh, that's my fax." "All right, talk to you soon." "Oh, "Evansville Junior Soccer League Standings."" "Hurricanes, 4 and 0!" "That was great." "Mom, can we be excused?" "Yeah, we have homework." "Greg asked me out." "I'm your homework." "Great!" "You never said you were in first place." "Oh, I didn't?" "Well, it must've slipped my mind." "That's so unlike you." "I'm finally, you know, getting ahold of the old..." "...over-competitive bug." "Jerry, I know what's going on." "A mother knows her own daughters." "I can explain." "No need to explain!" "It's obvious." "Your talent for coaching is making Emma a better player." "You know, it is." "And I think it's making me a better dad." "Let's start with the walk." "Relax!" "Greg's taking you to a pizza parlor, not the MTV awards." "Okay, let me try again." "How's that?" "It's not the tractor pull, either." "I'll never get this." "There's something missing." "Shoes." "Put these on. lt'll help." "You gotta be secure, yet vulnerable." "How can I be both?" "Good point." "Let's go for secure." "Smile." "How's that?" "We're not quite there yet." "Mystery." "A woman needs mystery." "Here, put these on." "Really?" "Trust me, it works." "It's a fashion statement." "And quick tip on the menu: salad only." "Cheese strings hanging from your chin, not good." "Forget it." "I'm not gonna get all this." "Just take my place." "Forget it?" "Is that the competitive Sam Stanton we all know and love?" "The girl who won the punt, pass and kick competition at the age of 7?" "You're right." "There's no pressure." "He's just a guy." "That's what I like to hear." "Now watch this." "Perfect." "Now all you need is one of my dresses." "A dress too?" "I thought you were supposed to meet Sam." "I mean, I thought we were meeting at Tacky's." "Well, I thought I'd surprise you." "Here." "Well, mission accomplished." "Give me a sec." "I'll be right back." "Hi." "You must be Greg." "Hi, Mrs. Stanton." "Call me Denise." "Nice to meet you." "Hi, Greg." "That was fast." "I'm a quick-change artist." "Bye, Mom." "Bye, Em." "My folks say I should study for my SATs but I'm not even out of junior high yet." "What about you?" "They say you can never start preparing too early." "After all, you don't want to fall flat on your face." "You okay?" "It's just these new heels of mine." "I'm used to a little more lift in my shoe." "Is it too bright in here?" "No, why?" "Sunglasses." "Oh, I need them for reading." "Sure you don't want a slice?" "No, thanks, I'll stick with my salad." "Cheese strings hanging from your chin, not good." "Do I have any?" "Oh, no, no, no!" "Not you." "But if you did, it would still look good." "Hey, wanna play some video games?" "Take that!" "You beat me." "No one's ever beat me before." "Oops!" "Is that a bad thing?" "I'm not sure." "Sorry about beating you in pinball." "Then on the 10 games in air hockey." "Twelve games." "Twelve." "Oh, yeah." "Right." "You know, you're a lot different than I thought you were gonna be." "Well, see you at school." "See you." "I blew it, Em." "You didn't blow it, Sam." "You're just a little rusty." ""Rusty" implies past success." "Face it, when it comes to guys, I'm just one of the guys." "Oh, hi, Mom." "Mom?" "What are you doing here?" "What are you doing here?" "Don't you have soccer practice?" "Soccer!" "Right, I forgot." "The book, it just pulled me in and...." "I'll dash right over." "I'll drive you over there myself." "No!" "You shouldn't." "I could really use the exercise." "Isn't that what soccer practice is for?" "Come on, the car's out front." "Dad, you got a lot of explaining to do." "Come on, Emma." "Good job!" "Thattagirl, Sam." "This is a bad idea." "Dad has a closed-door policy at practice." "Nonsense." "I can't make any of your games." "At least" " Sam?" "All right, great shot, Emma!" "That's it, into the goal." "Show no mercy!" "Speaking of mercy, don't expect any from me." "Denise, hi." "What's the penalty for trading children in Singapore?" "Let me explain." "No, let me explain." "When one trades one's children, there are no explanations." "You've done crazy things before, but" "Will you please just let me explain?" "Okay, try to explain how you could trade Emma and Sam for each other to win soccer games." "It was their idea." "Jerry, you're their father." "Let me remind you that the job of parenting..." "Okay, let me tell you a little bit about coaching." "It's not all about winning." "Try convincing a 13-year-old that bouncing a ball off his head is cool." "You've got to be a teacher, a shrink and a great motivational speaker." "Oh, aren't we the triple threat?" "As a psychologist, as we refer to ourselves in the profession your parents were too good to you!" "Bottom line: you traded our daughters for a shot at the championship." "Do you want me to tell the girls the trade's off?" "I'll do that." "I want you to do the honorable thing, come clean to your fellow coaches." "And who says that I wouldn't know the first thing about coaching?" "How is the league ever gonna recover?" "It's like the soccer scandal of '82." "'83." "What some people will do to win." "Trading twins?" "I wish I'd have thought of that." "All right, let's have some order here." "You have committed a disgraceful act." "Against the league and also Willard..." "Exactly." "What were you thinking?" "...who I'm sure is outraged and incensed by this." "He's asleep." "In any case, punitive action must be taken against Jerry here." "Do you have anything to say in your defense?" "Look, I know what I did was wrong, okay?" "And I beg for the mercy of this kangaroo court of imbecile, wannabe coaches...." "Time!" "I hope that's not your idea of penance." "Penance?" "Anyway, since the Hurricanes played under false pretenses, they forfeit their first four wins." "Four games?" "That is so unfair." "You're this close to making it six." "Meeting adjourned." "Well, it was fun while it lasted." "Yeah, at least I got a few good kicks in." "Yuck!" "Major grass stains." "You're gonna be late for school." "We got Dad into some hot water." "Boiling." "What should we do?" "There's only one thing we can do." "Dad, we're quitting." "I'm not letting you quit." "I'm ruining your season." "And I'm going to Camp Buzzard." "We feel really bad about getting you in this mess." "You didn't." "We didn't?" "But the swap was our idea." "Well, maybe so, but unlike me, you were doing it for all the right reasons." "Trust me, we'll find a way to make this work." "Who's dealing?" "How many cards?" "Two." "I've been thinking about the twins." "We all make mistakes." "You're not a bad person." "Thanks, guys." "How many cards?" "A guy's got two kids." "One is better at soccer." "Perfectly understandable." "Completely." "Dealer takes three." "Just because you exploit one's skill over the other, who cares?" "Nobody." "Absolutely." "Quarter." "I'm in." "Of course, you had to lie to Denise." "Of course he had to." "I mean, it's not as if lying to your wife makes you a bad person." "And he had to lie to his close friends who love him." "What is it that makes a good person snap and go bad?" "Oh, look, you guys, come on." "That was then, this is now." "Winning, who cares?" "A pair." "Two pair." "Three of a kind." "I was bluffing." "Full house." "I win." "I win." "I win, yes!" "You lose, you lose, you lose!" "Hey, Sam." "Hey, Oscar." "We heard about the swap." "We just wanna let you know that we don't take it personally." "We're not that good, but we'll try not to cramp your style." "That's real cool of you guys." "Buzzards!" "We're welcoming Sam back, and we're also adding a new member to our coaching staff." "Folks, meet Coach Stanton." "Mom?" "Mom, you can't coach the Buzzards." "Why not?" "Willard said he was all for it." "He needs all the help he can get." "But since when is soccer your thing?" "I've always been interested in sports psychology." "I just thought that maybe I could make your situation..." "...a little more challenging." "That's nice, Mom." "But the Buzzards don't need a shrink." "They need a miracle." "Look who's here." "Now this team will surely go down the drain." "Don't listen." "He's right." "No, he's not." "You're a Stanton which means you're a winner." "Hi." "Hi." "How are you doing?" "Fine." "Just enjoying a little quiet time by myself." "Just having a breather." "You know, for me." "That's nice." "Alone, reading." "You know, been working a lot." "So I just needed this time." "What exactly is it that a therapist does?" "Well, we listen to people's problems all day long." "Oh, that can be hard." "Yeah, it is." "And that's why time alone is important." "It's so rare to get that opportunity, so when you do, you grab it." "All right, get the ball." "Good steal, good steal, Candace." "Em, you're up." "What do I do?" "Go do what she did." "How?" "Just go out there and be bold." "Bold." "Got it." "All right, Terry, bring it down." "Dad, this isn't working." "Em, it's okay, look." "Keep your eye on the ball." "Just wind up and give it a good, hard kick." "All right, bring it down." "I am so sorry." "Are you okay?" "I'm okay." "I'm okay." "It was a good block." "Sorry." "That's all right." "I'm sorry." "That's okay." "You okay, Willard?" "I've been under a lot of stress lately." "What with the soccer team and all." "We're not doing so well." "And I think it's my fault." "I'm not very competitive." "I just want the kids to have fun." "I think that's wonderful." "That means you're okay." "It doesn't mean it's your fault." "Well, that's a load off my mind." "Good." "Okay, who's first?" "All right." "Good shot." "Great." "Next." "Sorry." "We'll stick around later and we'll practice some shots." "Except for this recurring dream." "Tell me about it." "Well, it's England, 1920." "And there's this big ship" "Like the Titanic?" "No, it isn't anything like the Titanic." "And they're sailing from Portsmouth to New York and there's ballrooms, and they're having this party." "I'm waltzing with my mother." "I'm 3, and she's 52." "And she's leaning out over the bow pretending to fly." "And I'm holding her around the legs with my little arms." "And all of a sudden..." "...we run into this" "Iceberg." "No, whale." "Big blue whale." "You think it means anything?" "I've never put much faith in dreams." "What about my craving for cheese?" "Are you having it now?" "Then go get some, Willard." "Go." "Okay." "You're good." "Thank you." "Sorry about the field." "You're getting it." "I'm used to it." "It's like golfing with Dave." "Maybe my best position is on the bench." "No, no way." "Look, you're getting it." "We'll find a position for you." "Yeah, try groundskeeper." "We'll just keep working on it." "I'll finish the rest." "I'll go put the gear away." "Hey, Emma." "Greg, what are you doing here?" "I just went for a spin and I saw you here." "Well, so are you busy Saturday?" "I'm afraid so." "I've got a game." "I'll meet you afterwards." "No, you can't." "I mean, I have to support the team." "You're not avoiding me, are you?" "Well, not really." "Good." "I had fun the other day." "That's great, so did Sam." ""Sam" is kind of a word my family says when we're happy." "So are we on for Saturday?" "Sure." "Great." "I'll see you after the game." "Easy for you to say." "I've got good news and bad news." "You were a hit with Greg last week." "But I thought I blew it." "You gotta read between the lines." "Great." "So, what's the bad news?" "The bad news is he wants to take me out Saturday." "So?" "We'll just pull a quick change like last week." "Sam, that's not such a good idea." "But the cool thing is, he liked me as you." "We're in enough hot water as it is." "So, what do I do?" "Tell him." "He's in the cafeteria." "How do I tell him I'm not you?" "Start by talking about anything." "Like what?" "Well, you talk about movies, weather, school then you just slide it in there." "Go." "Sit down." "So how's it going?" "Just great." "Great for me too." "I love the weather." "Weather?" "Yeah, like when it's sunny outside." "It's great for a run." "Oh, yeah." "What's your favorite subject?" "Science." "Me too." "I love dissecting things." "It's so much fun." "I got a 97 on my last test." "Not to be bragging or anything but I got a 98." "Greg." "Yeah?" "Would you excuse me for a moment?" "Sure." "So how did it go?" "Not bad." "What did he say?" "He said he got a 97." "You told him about us and he said that?" "What's that?" "I couldn't do it." "You're gonna have to do it." "Please?" "So where were we?" "Science." "Dissecting." "Science?" "I hate science." "I got an 87." "I thought you just said you loved science." "Well, that was then, this is now." "Can we talk about something else?" "Like the weather?" "Again?" "Okay, it's a perfect day." "Not for me." "Give me snow and rain cuddle up by the fireplace and never move." "Emma, you like it rainy, you like it sunny." "You love science, you hate science." "You're driving me crazy." "There's something really important I have to tell you." "What are you doing?" "I was just about to tell him." "You're right." "No matter how hard it might be, I have to tell him." "Tell me what?" "Emma?" "You're Willard's new assistant coach?" "Well, part assistant coach, part team motivator." "The team needs a shrink?" "No, the coaches need a shrink." "Haven't I suffered enough for this whole trade thing already?" "What's that mean?" "A guy can't coach against his own wife." "That's the most chauvinistic piece of hooey I've ever heard." "Our family dinners will be a little tense." "It's a house divided!" "No because there's only one of us who puts winning above all else." "Okay, guys!" "Mallard, here it comes." "Nice try." "Come on, pick it up." "Get in there, Helmet Head." "Yeah!" "So how's it going, Helmet--?" "Robert?" "Good." "It's fun watching you on the field." "Yep." "With your cute little helmet on." "Thanks." "Do you wear it all the time?" "Not when I shower." "Did you ever fall on your head and hurt yourself?" "No." "No?" "Do your siblings tease you about it?" "I don't have any siblings." "Does anybody tease you about it?" "Just my brother Ken." "Does that hurt your feelings?" "Who cares what Ken thinks?" "Does it hurt you when they call you Helmet Head?" "What do they call me?" "Helmet Head." "Cool." "Yeah, isn't it?" "Okay, bye-bye then." "Willard, this is gonna sound like a silly question, but what exactly does a coach do?" "You just coach." "What does that mean?" "What do you do?" "You tell them things." "Tell them what things?" "A good story." "They love a good joke." "A dream I had." "Stuff like that." "Really?" "That works?" "No, but they seem to enjoy it." "And I really like it." "Good." "Willard would you mind if I took a shot at this coaching thing?" "Okay." "You better have some good jokes up your sleeve." "It's very important to get rid of the negativity." "Forget the old Buzzards." "They're history." "You are the new, improved victorious Buzzards!" "Hear me out." "Close your eyes and imagine winning." "Imagine how that feels." "Imagine soaring like an eagle." "No, like a buzzard, imagine soaring like a" " Well, buzzards don't soar." "Circling, circling like-- This image isn't working." "In our language that means, go out there and try not to get hurt." "Yeah." "I'm glad Bobby plays for your team." "What a nice way for him to be near British sophistication." "Knock his block off, you numbskull!" "It's not a bloody game of cricket!" "Willard, you never told me they were this troubled." "Last week was worse." "All this and a thunderstorm." "Got messy out there?" "Worse." "Oscar was one thunderbolt away from being a transatlantic semiconductor." "Alrighty, I think it's time we rethink our pre-game strategy." "Can I call a time-out?" "It's their favorite part of the game." "Okay, time!" "No, no." "Oh, I get it." "Right." "Time!" "Hi, sorry to interrupt you." "Let's shelve the mental approach and get to serious business." "I have an idea." "Okay, Oscar...." "Way to go!" "Way to go, Helmet Head!" "Where'd you learn plays like that?" "Some of it was bound to rub off from your father." "Go get them!" "Yeah, yeah!" "Okay, okay!" "Time-out." "Hurricanes, take a knee." "Okay, we're going into our instant offense." "Play 47." "That's where we isolate our best player." "Sam's not here, so that's not an option." "Number one, I'm the coach, if it's okay with you." "Number two, this play has a renovation." "It's a team play." "That means everybody." "Okay?" "Okay." "All right." "Billy, you'll pass to Andy who lays the ball to Fred, who goes past Emma who sets a screen." "Screen?" "Yeah, just stand in front of number 23." "So you just want me to stand there?" "Exactly." "Trust me, if you block 23 from seeing our striker..." "...then Billy has a chance to score." "Got it." "Screens are only used in basketball." "Not anymore." "All right, let's go get them!" "Are you Chris?" "No, I'm Frankie." "What's he doing?" "Just standing there!" "You remind me so much of Chris." "I'm sorry." "Oh, look, we scored!" "Bye!" "Way to go!" "Hi, Dad." "Hey." "Hi." "Hi." "Here." "How's the game?" "Fine." "We won, naturally." "How was yours?" "We won too." "Naturally." "Denise, I'll admit it." "You make a decent assistant coach." "Head coach." "Willard couldn't take the pressure." "See you in the playoffs." "We should ground them." "For a week." "And no TV." "Yep." "Gentlemen and lady it's that time of year." "The time when we put aside our careers our social lives anything else that detracts from the passion that is the Evansville Junior Soccer League Playoffs." "Here, here, here, here." "All eight teams will compete in a round robin." "With the championship next Saturday." "I'd also like to welcome aboard a new coach, Denise Stanton." "If that's the end of our business" "Actually, no, Jim." "I wanted to say a few words." "I'll be brief." "I just wanted to say how proud I am the league has gone coed." "And I'm ecstatic to be a part of it." "Thank you, Denise." "When I was 10, I knew then deep down I was meant for this." "Me too." "Let's go." "All right." "I should have told Greg at the start." "I shouldn't have agreed to play." "Speaking of this league, Mom's bugging me to take more shots." "Mind taking goal while I practice?" "That should boost your confidence." "Good save, Em." "Good." "Great!" "You're definitely a natural." "Great." "Okay." "You're a natural." "A natural what?" "A natural goalie, silly." "We gotta tell Dad." "No way." "Why not?" "Playoffs are about to start and Dad's not gonna goof around with new lineups." "I know you think you're bad, but trust me." "If you can block me..." "...you can block anybody." "I said no, Sam." "Hi, I'm Emma." "I'll be setting the screen today." "What kind of call was that?" "Are you blind, Adam?" "Are you blind?" "When you turn on the TV, we're sitting on the elephant" "You're kidding, right?" "Okay, try this one." "I'm in the middle of the floor with six girls in bikinis, all with pitchforks." "When they turn around" "The elephant thing sounds good." "Okay." "Who's that actor?" "In that movie." "You know who I mean?" "What?" "With the hair and the teeth." "They both wore suits." "Something about weather." "Oh, Rain Man?" "Yeah." "Tom Cruise." "Get him." "He can wear an umpire's mask." "No problem." "I'll just call up: "Hey, Nicole." "Is Tom there?" "This is Jerry." "House of Sports."" "Mention the kayak deal." "Is this a business call?" "I can come back." "Oh, no, we were brainstorming ideas for the new commercial." "So, what's up?" "I wanted to wish you luck before the game Saturday." "Thanks." "I should probably get back to the office." "But I'll see you at dinner." "Hey, Denise." "Good luck to you guys too." "Thanks." "Sal, it should be our team out there." "You know why we're not?" "Don't start." "You picked Frankie Rodriguez." "He was the right choice." "They just had a secret weapon." "Yeah, a girl." "She said hello, and he became a deer in the headlights." "Yankee refs, they can't spell the word soccer." "Should have been my squad today." "I am never doing this again." "You won't see our Bulls destroy your team." "Did you see Mom and Dad?" "Yeah, they smiled over breakfast." "I think Dad's out of the doghouse." "But just in case...." "Let's hope for a draw." "Okay, gang, time for some stretches." "Denise?" "Oh, goody!" "Any excuse for a little yoga." "Okay, let's begin with the mountain position." "That's it." "And now focus in and exhale." "Inhale up to a sun salutation, and bring it down easily" "I don't mean to interrupt." "I was just wondering if I could speak with the team very briefly." "And you are?" "Oh, forgive me." "Arden Longview." "Longview Funeral Homes." ""Let your last view be Longview."" "Oh, right." "You're our sponsor!" "Well, he sponsors us all." "Hi, Uncle Arden." "Hi, Willard." "I was wondering if I could meet the team members..." "...and say a few encouraging words." "Sure." "Guys, this is Arden Longview." "Our sponsor." "He wants to wish us luck." "From the mortuary?" "I know you all have a big game, so I'll be brief." "We at Longview Funeral Homes want you to know how proud we are..." "...of your efforts this season." "Thank you so much" "You really are a feisty little squad." "Yeah, well, you know our motto:" ""Never say die."" "Never?" "Funny, our motto's just the opposite." "Well, enough laughs for one day." "All right then, what an inspir" "Just one thing more." "I want you to get out there..." "...and kick some butt." "You keep away from those kids." "Thank you." "Hope to see you soon" " Well, not too soon." "You know what I mean." "Yes." "Okay, let's relax and focus and let's exhale." "Stretch it up again, and gently bring it down." "Hey, guys, come here." "Someone I want you to meet." "Our big fan and cosponsor, Dave Eiland." "Dave, why don't you give the old pre-game pep talk?" "Well, kids today's game represents a great struggle, a great struggle." "I'm sorry, Jer." "But when I see what this team overcame this season I just, I just...." "Sorry, I'm just a little overwhelmed." "Heads or tails?" "Tails." "Tails." "Buzzard's ball." "Ready to watch us win again?" "Keep it up and I'll sit on you." "Oh, I'm scared." "Shake hands and let's get started." "The championship between the Hurricanes and the Buzzards." "There's the whistle, and we're underway." "And the Hurricanes have the ball." "Keep the ball in play." "All right, way to go, Em." "Amazing steal by the Buzzards." "Buzzards kick it downfield." "Oh, great save!" "Here comes the kick." "No good." "Scoreless game." "Oh, good save." "So close." "Excellent catch!" "Go!" "Get on the ball!" "I'm too tense." "Can't watch." "It's halftime and the score remains 0-0." "And the kick downfield." "Oh, denied again!" "Close call." "Excellent save." "Great stop!" "It's blocked again." "No good." "Here's the kick." "What a save by Richie Grenoff!" "Almost got away." "Wait a minute, folks." "It appears he might be hurt." "Time-out!" "A time-out has been called." "Hey, you okay?" "It's just my shoulder." "I can stay in, though." "We gotta get it looked at." "Hey, that was a nice save." "Medic." "I think he's okay." "Not to sound callous, but..." "...who's your goalie?" "Good question." "You gotta put Emma in." "She's already in." "No, I mean in at goal." "We were practicing and she blocked everything." "Is this a clever ploy of your mother's?" "Dad, give it up." "She's really good." "She wants a chance to show you." "But she'll never have the confidence unless you give it to her." "Yeah, you're right." "You're right." "I'm gonna give it a shot." "Hey, Em." "Yeah, Dad?" "You're in goal." "Are you sure?" "Isn't that really important?" "No, brain surgery's really important." "Goalie is part of the game." "Do your best." "Hey, Em, wait." "Hey, Sam." "Thanks." "Don't mention it." "This doesn't mean I'm taking it easy." "Coach Stanton is inserting daughter Emma in Grenoff's spot." "I wonder what he has up his sleeve?" "Well, I'll be." "With just under 20 seconds on the clock, we still have no goals." "Hold that thought." "Sam Stanton on a breakaway." "All the way." "All the way!" "She's taking it down the field." "It's sister against sister." "Tension 's building." "Here's the shot." "The kick is up." "It's blocked!" "Such an amazing save as time expires." "This year's championship ends in a scoreless tie." "I swear, next year I'm doing T-ball!" "That was great!" "You found your position after all." "Honey, that was fabulous!" "You're amazing!" "We've got plenty of sunlight left, so let's go into overtime." "I don't think so." "But nobody won!" "I don't know about that." "Killer save." "Are you okay?" "Yeah, I broke a nail, but it was worth it." "Great game, guys." "Nice save, Em." "Thanks." "Sam, you busy tonight?" "I think I can pencil you in." "Great." "So how's your shoulder?" "It's okay." "Still recovering." "I should let you know you're okay in my book." "Thanks." "And maybe I am kind of woozy, but I always did find you kind of cute." "You're not so bad yourself." "Maybe we can go out sometime." "I think I know who might want to double-date with us." "Okay, league picture." "Everybody smile!"