"A lot of things happened in the past and then I was born" "Then I went to Texas, to do a show" "Now I'd like to tell you a little bit about me" "I grew up in central New Jersey" "I had a childhood too" "I liked skateboarding" "I found it relaxing, fun" "Then I did some jobs for money" "They were not as fun as the skateboarding" "Now I do live comedy shows" "Can you handle that?" "Sometimes on TV Like right now" "Get ready to have your asses blown off by me" "With subtle" "With subtle Low energy Comedy" "Thank you" "Thank you audience." "That's nice" "Thanks guys." "Appreciate it." "Thank for being here, for my special." "Those are the best claps I'm going to get, so I think I'm going to end on that." "Oh, ok." "They're saying I should do more." "Alright." "I saw a friend of mine I hadn't seen in a while and I went to shake his hand," "I went in for the handshake." "When I went to shake his hand, he squeezes the fingers part, he cut me off." "Making me give him a wussy handshake." "But I though, like quickly, and I just went with it." "I just went," "'Charmed'" "Punk!" "You cut me off, I curtsey on your ass." "I hate when I'm going in for a handshake and I'm coming in traditional, I'm showing you my hand and then the person come back to me with, like, the fist thing." "But that I got to scramble, like upgrade, oh we're doing the fist, ok." "Because yours is newer, I got to do your thing." "So I don't do it." "I just go like," "Paper covers rock, bitch." "?" "What I thought about, I like rock paper scissors two-thirds." "Rock breaks scissors." "These scissors are bent, they're destroyed, I can't cut stuff." "I loose." "Scissors cuts paper." "These are strips." "This is not even paper, it could take me forever to put this back together." "You got me." "Paper covers rock." "Rock is fine." "No structural damage to rock." "Rock can break through paper at any point." "Just say the word." "Paper sucks." "It should be; rock, dynamite with a cuttable wick," "scissors." "I like to stand near to ATM machines and when somebody types in their pin number I go," "'Got it!" "' and then I run away." "I like staying in hotels, because you can leave a message for somebody and you don't even need to know their name." "Just like a room number, you know." "'Hey, can I get a pen?" "I just want to leave a messa- yeah, my friend's in 710." "Thanks'" "Leprechaun is gonna fuck you up at midnight." "'Honey, what the hell is this?" "Did you anger a small Irishman?" "'" "When I'm drinking I like to have a straw." "The straw enables you to drink without using your wrist." "Straw is your friend." "Until you lose eye contact with the straw." "Then he'll betray you and make you look like an idiot." "I just act like I'm surprised or something, so I cover it up." "My god!" "That's what you had for breakfast?" "!" "Then I got to pull the straw aside." "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "!" "The last time I checked you were right by my mouth." "What the hell are you doing on the other side of the glass?" "I don't need you, you're a luxury!" "The ice is even worse." "I get to the bottom of the glass, it's just me and the ice." "Just one of you, I want something to chew on." "Come on." "And the ice is like, 'Hold...'" "'Brothers, hold...'" "'Everybody strike!" "Now!" "'" "I wonder how good the spotlight guy is." "Pretty good." "The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast." "'You're a dick!" "'" "'You deserve this!" "'" "'Also, I'm sorry I broke your leg.'" "'Jerk.'" "I wonder what's the smallest garbage can I can put on the curb outside my house." "And have them empty it and put it back." "'I hate this guy, I hate this guy.'" "'These freakin' tiny" " Four?" "!" "Really, four tiny garbage cans, are you kidding me?" "!" "'" "'He chained them up man, come on!" "'" "Then one time I would leave a tiny sweater next to the cans." "So when the garbage man comes he's like," "'Wait a minute." "This guy's not a jerk." "We have a tiny resident living here.'" "'These are appropriately sized." "Never mind.'" "'Regular sized house though." "He's doing very well for himself.'" "I was sitting on a bench in New York and I was trying to work." "I was sitting there and I was writing in my notebook and I suddenly heard;" "So looked up, 'Uh?" "'" "And there was a guy standing four feet from me just going;" "To a squirrel that was three feet from me." "So I looked at the squirrel, and he wasn't looking up." "And I realized; ah man, are you kidding me?" "!" "I'm less focused than squirrels?" "I'm working, I hear," "'Uh, what's that?" "'" "Aimed at the squirrel, he's like, 'Come man, really?" "'" "'Nice try, stupid.'" "'I got a acorn.'" "I saw a sign on this door, it said "Exit only"." "So entered it and went up to the guy working there," "'I have some good news.'" "'You have severely underestimated this door over here.'" "'By like a hundred percent man.'" "I hate heavy doors." "I hate when there's a heavy door, because there should be a sign on it." "That says, 'Warning!" "'" "'You're gonna look weak right now.'" "Damn it!" "Why didn't you tell me man?" "I'm walking with a girl here." "I don't want to struggle to get into the bar." "So now I treat every door like it's heavy, because I don't want to get burned again." "The problem is, every door isn't heavy." "So I'm like slamming doors." "I want to slam a door and have an emotion to go with the activity that looks crazy." "So when I'm in a situation like when I go to a convenient store, I'm just like;" "I need some gum, now!" "I don't have time to mess around man, I got some bad breath!" "Why is your door so light?" "That looks delicious." "A want to make a revolving door that says "pull" on it." "To see how obedient people are, you know." "'Ow, it's one of these." "I'm sorry." "Excuse me'" "'Sorry, just coming through here.'" "'It's the door, it's not me.'" "Some of my research." "So this is a large pad." "On this pad I have data from the last year." "These are findings." "So I'd like to go into that." "Let's start with a simple chart." "Ok, this is pretty simple." "This is; how short the person is vs. how drunk the person is." "And this line is how funny it is." "You see the shorter and more drunk the person is, the funnier it is." "This up here would be like a midget or a small child who's very drunk." "Here is a guy who's 6 foot and he's just buzzing." "It's like, nah, not so much." "But here we have a dwarf who's about to take a dive off a chair." "Can I get this man another shot, maybe some whisky in a thimble?" "Breakdown of hummer owners." "Though guys come in at 43% of the owners." "Prick are 27%" "Douche bags are 15%" "Now dildoes are almost 15%" "And this is interesting, because I never had to pluralize dildo before" "I don't know if that's right." "It looks like dil-does." "And I hope I never have to again." "Like in a deposition or something." "How many dildoes were there?" "I don't know, but I'm sore and I want to go home." "How funny I find farts by location." "School is pretty funny, church is funnier." "My face isn't funny at all, that negative." "My brother's face is off the charts though." "Scuba, I'm not sure." "It depends." "If you can see the bubbles come out of the wetsuit, that's pretty funny. 'Haha!" "We have a man punishing fishermen at a distance." "Very nice.'" "Actually, it's probably funnier if you can't see the bubbles come out." "Because then you see a guy swimming and all of a sudden he just starts to struggle in his own air supply." "'Most stop farting into own nostrils.'" "'Never taco's before scuba.'" "Flowchart of clowns." "Circus, annoying." "Birthday clown, sad." "One that's just around is creepy." "If any of them get hurt it's funny." "There's a saying that goes, 'people living in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.'" "Ok." "How about;" "Nobody should throw stones." "That's crappy behaviour!" "My policy is;" "Don't do it." "There is one exception though." "If you're trapped in a glass house, and you have a stone, throw it!" "What are you, an idiot?" "!" "So really it's; only people in glass houses should throw stones." "Provided they are trapped in a house with the stone." "It's a little longer, but, you know." "Pony tail locations." "Pony's ass, ok." "Back of my dad's friend's head, not ok." "Mostly because of this area right here." "This isn't helping this, that's not good." "This is a pie chart about procrastination." "Ok, this is very auto biographical." "This is the cuteness of a girl vs. how interested I am in hearing about how intuitive her cat is." "You see; the cuter the girl is, the more I'm willing to hear about the cat." "'Oh really?" "' 'Yeah, he's very intuitive.'" "But you notice, at a certain point I don't care how cute you are." "I don't want to hear about your fucking cat anymore." "I hate your cat." "When you leave the room I try to get it." "This is my ability to draw mountains over time." "I learned something on the road, travelling around." "State shapes:" "The easier it is to draw the shape of the state," "The harder it is to live in that state." "So if you live in a regular polygon get the hell out of there." "You got to move to a squiggly area." "Culture is attracted to squiggles." "Those who see the glass half full are considered optimists." "But shouldn't we be more specific about the contents of the glass?" "If it is a glass of shit then I'm going half empty." "I don't like shit." "An optimist, 'A half empty shit glass right here, so don't worry about it.'" "Baby blood, that's even more complicated." "Is this blood going to a baby or coming from a baby?" "To a baby; we got half full glass of baby blood here, he's going to be fine." "Don't worry about it." "From a baby; ok, hold on, it's a half empty baby blood glass." "Don't ask me why I collected the blood in a glass, just listen to what I'm saying." "Finally pillow fights:" "Man vs. woman, fun." "Man vs. man, gay." "Woman vs. woman, awesome." "Man vs. pillow, crazy." "Pillow vs. pillow, crazy awesome." "That's a real pillow fight right there." "If you see two pillows fighting you know something's going down." "They're designed for relaxation." "If they're fighting what hope do we have?" "One time I saw two geese fighting, I was like" "This is a pillow fight ahead of time." "Hey porcupines" "Whenever people talk about porcupines it's always about the needles." "Oh, he's got needles watch out." "Well I want to know other stuff like; are they good swimmers?" "How does a porcupine handle himself in the water?" "Are they social?" "What kind of habits do porcupines have?" "And what would happen if I threw marshmallows at one?" "And then roasted him over a fire?" "Could be good." "So with porcupines it's not just needles." "They're also, like" "Skewers." "A power nap is when you sleep on someone who's weaker than you." "I went whale watching once it was very similar to watching people on a boat become disappointed" "we did a lot of whale-thinking-about that day" "A mobile home with a flat tire is a home" "If you can't tell the difference between a spoon and a ladle then you're fat." "I want to put stickers on turtles" "I don't know why" "I just know I want to put them on them" "That's the best kind of animal for advertising your band in mother nature." "I got a time machine at home." "It only goes forward at regular speed." "It is essentially a cardboard box and on the outside I wrote "time machine" ...?" "I love unnecessary bells." "How fast does a zebra have to run before he looks gray?" "Now, I've met many chocoholics but I've never seen no chocohol." "We got an epidemic people" "People who love chocolate and don't understand the rules of word endings." "They're probably overworkaholled" "They call it fishing, but they should call it what it really is;" "tricking and killing" "fishing." "Hiking is just walking were it is ok to pee." "Sometimes old people hike by mistake." "Now, if you're a chick magnet, be very careful about which direction you face." "Because you could become a chick repellent." "I want to commit a crime during a re-enactment." "Turn it into an enactment." "Hot potato is a very different game when the people playing are starving." "Then it's more like "my potato"" "Burned fingertips and I don't give a damn." "Free potato!" "It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy." "Location!" "Location!" "Location!" "If I ever saw an amputee being hanged" "I would just yell out letters." "I used to get bummed out when it rained." "But then I realized that's god's way of washing off hippies." "Rain is short for" "?" "neutralizer." "Sometime when you learn the meaning of a term it can be very disappointing." "When I was a kid, we were going to meet one of my mom's friends once." "And on the way she described her to me as a cat person." "I got there, I was like 'Wait a minute" "You just like cats?" "That's a cat liker, man." "Cat person is a different story." "'Why does Steven never go into the pool?" "'" "'Oh, he's a cat person." "Alright.'" "I think they should put pies on the front of trains." "So when they hit something it's at least a little bit funny." "He's dead, but" "There's a cream pie right in his face." "This is a little bit funny ?" ", I have to admit." "I saw a transvestite wearing a shirt that said "Guess"." "I was walking down the street and this guy waved to me." "Then he came up to me and said, 'I'm sorry I thought you were someone else.'" "I said, 'I am.'" "I love birthdays." "You get a cake for every day that you're alive." "When I see a new baby, I'm like 'Yes!" "'" "'Please survive.'" "'And I like chocolate.'" "Cakes are the only food we write on." "It's always so encouraging, like" "Happy birthday Leo" "Congratulation Eric" "I feel like we're missing an opportunity." "I'm talking about negative cakes." "Surprise!" "You're adopted." "Because that's when you want cake." "I love women, but you can't always trust them." "Some of them are liars." "Like this girl I met in the park." "She was walking her dog." "And she was cute, so I started to talk to her." "She told me her dog's name." "I said, 'does he bite?" "'" "She said, 'no.'" "I said, 'Oh yeah?" "'" "'Then how does he eat?" "'" "'Liar!" "'" "I'm in a weird situation, because I like rainbows, but I'm not gay." "So I wear a rainbow on my shirt, but then under it I got to put 'not gay'." "But I'm not against gay people, so under that I got to put 'but supportive.'" "I just think it's weird that one group took refracted light." "That's pretty greedy, gays!" "Hello" "My name is professor Erwin Glands." "I'm a doctor of mytho-zoology." "And today I'd like to talk to you about some less common mythical creatures." "Little bit about myself;" "I have several advanced degrees and written a number of books on the topic of legend, folklore, mythology." "Specifically with respect to animals." "Most of you have probably heard of certain imaginary creatures, like the dragon or the unicorn." "I want to talk about some that you may not be so familiar with." "I'd like to start with a creature from the sea." "The Vertimaid." "Much like a mermaid, it's half woman, half fish." "But unlike the mermaid the vertimaid is split down the middle." "Which makes it a little less attractive than the typical mermaid, and also creates certain physical problems." "Next up is the Amoebicorn." "This is like an amoeba, but his a very small horn attached to it." "This animal is very imaginary because it's very small, to imagine a horn that small is very difficult." "And it's very magical." "A very beautiful mythical creature is called a zebratard." "And this animal is one half pig, one half eagle, one half zebra making it an improper fraction, so that's three halves of a creature that's one and a half mythical creatures." "And it's surprisingly graceful, and very rare." "An imaginary creature that has confused experts for centuries is the paradoxotaur." "This creature only exists if you don't believe it exists." "But if you do believe it exists, then it does not exist." "Experts have made guesses as to the appearance of the paradoxotaur, what form it might take." "But really it's anybody's guess." "Finally I'd like to talk about the most controversial mythical creature of all and that is the RexFidoBuster." "Which is a three headed dog that also has three dog bodies." "This has stirred up a bit of contention in the mytho-zoological field because some experts content that this is simply three dogs standing near each other." "Well I've got to go back to work, but I hope this was informative and helpful." "Take care." "Let's play the guitar for you a little bit." "Forgot my harmonica." "Damn." "I'll get it." "In a cool way." "There's a store in my neighbourhood called futon world." "I love that name, futon world." "It makes me think of a magical place" "That becomes less comfortable over time." "Whenever I use my computer I don't type LOL" "I type LQTM" "Laugh Quietly To Myself" "It's more honest." "By the way, if you want to sound like a creep just add the word ladies to the end of things that you say." "And you sound like a creep." "Can be harmless too." "Like" "Thanks for coming to my show" "Thanks for coming to my show, ladies." "Help!" "I've fallen into a well and I'm trapped." "Ladies." "It's like a jaccuzi with really high walls." "You know you want it." "I went to this clothing store, the lady working there she got mad at me." "She said, 'What size are you?" "'" "I said, 'Actual!" "'" "This ain't a trick, baby." "She was amazing." "I'd never met a woman like her before." "She showed me to the dressing room." "She said, 'If you need anything, I'm Jill.'" "I said, 'Oh my god.'" "'I've never met a woman before with a conditional identity.'" "'What if I don't need anything?" "Who are you?" "'" "'If you don't need anything I'm Mike.'" "A quick way to start a conversation is to say something like" "'What's your favourite colour?" "'" "Quick way to end a conversation is to say something like," "What's your favourite colour" "person?" "I like video games, but they're very violent." "I want to design a video game where you'd have to take care of all the people who had been shot in the other games." "'Hey man, what are you playing?" "'" "'Super busy hospital.'" "'Please leave me alone." "I'm performing surgery on a man who's been shot in the 57 times.'" "If somebody asks you the question 'Are you ticklish?" "' it doesn't matter whether you say yes or no." "They're going to touch you." "If they say 'are you ticklish,' and you don't want to be touched, you have to say something like," "'I have diarrhea.'" "'And yes,'" "'I'm very ticklish.'" "Thanks guys." "I spent a lot of time with my jokes." "Right up until I tell them." "But then I never think about them again." "I wonder where my jokes go after that." "Well, I know they start in my head." "And the joke flies through the air." "They hit people's ears." "Then it keeps flying." "They go into the ears of animals too." "But they're too stupid to get the joke." "And the joke just keeps flying from there." "Off into the sky forever." "There's where my jokes go." "There's where my jokes go, after I tell them." "I think they named oranges before they named carrots." "What are these?" "Those are orange." "Oranges." "How about these?" "Oh, shit." "Long pointies?" "Go by shape now?" "I think it would be cool if you're writing a ransom note on your computer if the paperclip popped up and said" "Looks like you're writing a ransom note." "Need some help?" "You should use more forceful language" "You can get way more money." "I think graffiti is the most passionate literature there is." "It's always like;" "Bush sucks!" "U2 rules!" "I want to make indifferent graffiti." "Toy Story 2 was ok!" "I like Gina as a friend, but I'm not sure about taking things further." "This is a bridge!" "I wonder if my jokes go anywhere after that." "They must keep flying." "Up into the sky." "Above treetops." "Where they encounter mythical beasts, who are imaginary and even more imaginary." "I like to do crafts." "I work with glitter quite a bit." "Don't worry, I make tough stuff like daggers and skulls." "The thing about glitter is, if you get it on you be prepared to have it on you forever." "Because glitter is the herpes of craft supplies." "My jokes must keep flying from there." "Up, above the sky, into space." "Where they go on, and on." "Past astronauts." "Who respond appropriately at the edge of the solar system." "Till the astronauts ?" "off into deep space." "There are comets that soar," "and a star, a bright star watch the jokes fly by." "He's not famous, but that's ok." "And they go through another dimension where the joke lands on a sister planet." "A little sister planet, where my little sister is a creature, walks around wondering" "What the hell is my brother doing with his life?" "There are rockets that watch the jokes shoot by." "Just in the deepest corner of space I see a robot" "A robot that looks like my uncle Johnny." "He made me work at a diner." "But now he is just in space with some jokes and my special." "Looks like" "I got the last laugh." "It's weird the way finger puppets sounds ok as a noun." "Ladies." "That's where my jokes go." "After I tell them." "They go into space." "That's where they go." "Thanks everybody." "Thanks for being at my special." "Had a great night." "Subtitles by JHD" "P.S. Sorry for any mistakes and the few missing pieces."