"–Room, please?" "–You alone?" "Luggage?" "–How long you want it for?" "–Not very long." "$ 5." "$ 5." "307." "Haven't you anything higher?" "Higher?" "914?" "Good night." "Goodbye." "Oh, no." "Oh, no." "–Ante." "–Ante up." "Aren't you the one they call the Cincinnati Kid?" "You don't like it?" "Get a machine." "–It stinks in here." "–What time is it?" "–Again?" "–My watch is slow." "You're winning $ 95." "That's what time." "Where are you running?" "–Nowhere." "I just asked the time." "–It's 10:30." "I gotta leave by 12:00." "I told you when I sat down." "Murray, didn't I say I got leave by 12:00?" "Don't talk to him, he's dealing." "Want a rest for a while?" "Go lie down, sweetheart." "You want speed or accuracy?" "Make up your mind." "You wanna do me a really big favour?" "Smoke towards New Jersey." "I'm really worried about Felix." "He's never been this late." "Maybe somebody should call." "Oscar." "Why don't you call Felix?" "Why don't we chip in and buy another window?" "You can't breathe." "How many cards you got?" "Four?" "We all have four cards." "Give us one more and we'll have five." "Two more, we'll have six." "Understand how it works?" "Is Oscar playing or not?" "–Hey, Oscar!" "–Yeah?" "–You in or out?" "–Out, pussycat, out." "I told my wife I'd be home by 1:00 at the latest." "We're on an eight o'clock plane to Florida." "Who goes to Florida in July?" "It's off season." "There's no crowds." "The best room is one-tenth the price." "No cards." "Some vacation." "Six people in an empty hotel." "Dealer takes four." "You think maybe Felix is sick?" "I mean he's never been this late before." "This is the same garbage from last week." "I'm recognising things." "I'm out." "–Two kings." "–Straight." "Maybe he's in his office, locked in the john again." "Did you know Felix was once locked in the john overnight?" "He wrote his entire will on half a roll of toilet paper." "What a nut!" "Don't play with your chips." "I'm asking you nice." "I'm not playing." "I'm counting." "Leave me alone." "I can't stand a guy who's winning who plays with his chips." "This is my house." "You wanna play with your chips, you play with them." "I'm in for a quarter." "Aren't you gonna look at your cards first?" "I'm gonna bluff anyway." "Who gets the Pepsi?" "Murray, the policeman, gets a warm Pepsi." "You didn't fix the refrigerator?" "It's been two weeks." "No wonder it stinks." "Temper." "If I wanted nagging, I'd go back with my wife." "–I'm out." "Who wants food?" "–What you got?" "Brown sandwiches and green sandwiches." "–Which one do you want?" "–What's the green?" "It's either very new cheese or very old meat." "I'll take brown." "–You're not gonna eat that?" "–I'm hungry." "His refrigerator's out of order." "I saw milk standing that wasn't even in a bottle!" "Are you some kind of health nut?" "Eat, Murray." "–I got six cards." "–That figures." "I got three aces." "–Misdeal." "–Peanuts?" "Felix makes good sandwiches." "Did you taste his cream cheese and pimento on date nut bread?" "Make up your mind, poker or recipes." "You've got beer all over my glasses!" "You got it on the chips." "It's all over me now!" "What is this?" "Don't put it in the middle of the table." "How can you play like this?" "Let's play some poker here." "Who's playing here?" "Vinnie, tell Oscar what time you're leaving." "Twelve o'clock." "We got ten minutes before the next announcement." "This is five card stud." "Five card stud." "A red lady, a deuce, quatro, a big ace for the policeman." "Wait, the pot's shy." "Who didn't put in a quarter?" "–You didn't." "–You got a big mouth." "Lend me $ 20." "I just loaned you $ 20." "Ask somebody else." "I'm winning my own money back." "You owe everybody." "If you don't have it, don't play." "I'm through being the nice guy." "You owe me $ 6 apiece for the buffet." "What buffet?" "Hot beer and two sandwiches left from when you went to high school." "What do you want?" "A tomato surprise?" "Lend me $ 20 or I'll tell your wife you're in Central Park wearing a dress." "Maybe that's Felix." "–Pair o' sixes." "–Three deuces." "Why didn't you go to Florida last night?" "Oscar, the Poker player." "If that's my wife, tell her I'm leaving at 12:00." "Look at your watch once more, you get peanuts in your face." "Deal." "Talk up." "Who?" "Oh, Daddy." "For crying out loud, it's my kid." "Brucey, how are you, baby?" "No, I couldn't." "There's a lot of boys here." "We're playing." "Boys, fellas." "Give me a break, will you?" "My kid is calling from California." "It must be costing a fortune." "How have you been, honey?" "Yes, I got your letter." "Yes, it took three weeks." "Next time tell Mommy to give you a stamp." "Yeah, I know, Honey, but you're not supposed to draw it on." "–Hey, you hear this?" "–We hear." "We're all thrilled." "Mommy wants to talk to me?" "All right, sweetheart." "I love you, soldier." "Goodbye." "Ante a dollar." "–You got a dollar to play, Oscar?" "–Not after I've talked to this lady." "Hello, Blanche, how are you?" "Yeah, you're calling because I'm a week behind with the cheque, right?" "Four weeks?" "It's not possible." "I keep a record of every cheque in my files here and I happen to know I'm only three weeks behind." "Don't threaten me with jail, Blanche, because it's not a threat." "With my expenses and my alimony, a prisoner gets more pay than me." "Very nice language in front of the children." "I'm $ 800 behind in alimony!" "Let's raise the stakes." "She can do it, you know?" "Throw you in jail." "If she can't aggravate me, she's not happy." "Aren't you worried about the kids?" "They live in their grandfather's house in California." "Can we play?" "I said you'd get into trouble." "You can't manage anything." "–I know." "I'm your accountant." "–Then why do I need money?" "–Why do you play poker?" "–I need money." "–You always lose." "–That's why I need the money." "–Then don't play." "–Then don't eat my potato chips." "Beautiful, beautiful." "What are you yelling about?" "This is a friendly game." "We've been sitting here talking since eight o'clock." "Since 7:00." "That's why I said I'd quit at 12:00." "How would you like a stale banana right in the mouth?" "Calm down." "Take it easy." "I'm a cop, I could arrest the whole lousy game." "Murray is right." "Let's play cards and hold them up." "I can't see where I marked them." "He owes money to his wife, government, friends and still isn't serious." "Life goes on for those who are divorced, broke and sloppy." "Hello, Divorced, Broke and Sloppy." "Hello, sweetheart." "Yes, darling." "You know I do, darling." "Yeah?" "Hold on, just a second." "Murray, it's your wife." "If you were having an affair with her, she wouldn't bother me all the time." "Hello, Mimi." "When are you coming home?" "About 12:00,12:30." "About 12:00,12:30." "What do you want?" "A corned beef sandwich and a strawberry malted?" "–Is she pregnant again?" "–No, just fat." "How could you hear?" "I had the phone over my chest." "Felix?" "No, he didn't show up tonight." "What's wrong?" "You're kidding?" "How should I know?" "All right, Mimi." "I'll take care of it." "Goodbye." "–Felix is missing." "–What do you mean?" "He didn't show up for work." "Nobody knows where he is." "–Mimi spoke to his wife." "–No one is missing for one day." "Maybe he had an accident." "If he's laying in a gutter, who'd know who he is?" "He's got 92 credit cards in his wallet." "The minute something happens to him, America lights up." "I'll call his wife." "I thought he looked edgy the last few weeks, didn't you?" "No." "I thought you looked edgy." "Frances, how are you?" "Oscar." "Yeah, I just heard." "Tell her not to worry." "She's probably hysterical." "Frances, the most important thing is not to worry." "She's not worried." "Do you have any idea where he could be?" "He what?" "You're kidding?" "I didn't know." "He never told me." "Yeah, all right." "Listen, Frances, you just sit tight." "The minute I hear anything I'll let you know." "OK, goodbye." "You gonna tell us or do we hire a private detective?" "–They broke up." "–Who?" "Who?" "Felix and Frances is "who"." "They broke up." "–The entire marriage is through." "–You're kidding!" "After 12 years?" "They were such a happy couple." "He'll go to pieces." "I know Felix." "He'll try something crazy." "All he talked about was his wife and kids." "He'll kill himself." "You hear?" "Shut up." "Stop being a cop for two minutes." "–Where did he go?" "–He went out to kill himself." "–What did I tell you?" "–Are you serious?" "She said he didn't want to do it at home because the kids were sleeping." "–Why?" "–He's a nut, that's why." "But did he say it in those words?" "I don't know." "She didn't read it to me." "–He left her a note?" "–He sent a telegram." "–Who sends a suicide telegram?" "–Felix, the nut." "Can you imagine that?" "She even has to tip the kid a quarter." "Ah!" "Maybe he's just bluffing." "We get these cases every day." "All they want is a little sympathy." "You never can tell what a guy will do when he's hysterical." "Nine times out of ten, they don't jump." "–And the tenth time?" "–He's right." "There's a possibility." "I know Felix." "He's too nervous to kill himself." "He wears his seat belt in drive-in movies." "If you're gonna kill yourself, where's the safest place to do it?" "With your friends." "Vinnie, open the door." "He may be hysterical." "If we're calm, he'll be calm." "That's what they do." "They talk nice and soft." "–What do we say?" "–Nothing, like we never heard a thing." "Are you through?" "He already could've hung himself in the hall." "–Vinnie, open the door." "–Remember, like we know nothing." "–Oh hi, Felix." "–Hi." "Hey, fellas." "–Hi." "–Hi, Felix." "–How's the game going?" "–Good." "–Very nice." "–Good." "I'm sorry, I'm late." "Is there any... ginger ale left?" "Ginger ale?" "I don't think so." "I got some root beer." "Nope." "I felt like a ginger ale." "Somehow I don't feel like a root beer tonight." "What's the bet?" "You bet a quarter." "It's up to Murray." "Murray, what do you say?" "–Murray..." "Murray?" "–Tap his shoulder." "–What?" "–It's up to you." "–Why is it always up to me?" "–It's up to you now." "–What do you do?" "–I'm in, I'm in." "Anybody call about me?" "Call... about you?" "No, not that I can remember." "Were you expecting..." "Did anyone call for Felix?" "No." "–Were you expecting a call?" "–No, I was just asking." "I raise a dollar." "Costs me a dollar and a quarter, right?" "I just thought that somebody might have called." "If nobody called, nobody called." "–What does it cost to play again?" "–A dollar and a quarter." "Pay attention." "–All right, take it easy." "–Calm down, everyone." "I can't help it." "He makes me nervous." "–You make everybody nervous." "–I'm sorry." "I'll kill myself." "–Murray!" "–I'm sorry." "That's a pretty view from here." "What is it, 12 floors?" "No, it's only 11 floors, that's all." "See, it's only 11 floors." "It says 12 but it's really only 11." "Gee, it's chilly in here." "–Isn't it chilly in here?" "–Yes it is, very chilly." "–Want to play Felix?" "It's still early." "–We're in no rush." "We'll be here till 3:00 or 4:00 in the morning." "I don't know." "I just don't feel much like playing right now." "What do you feel like doing?" "I don't know." "I'll think of something." "–Where are you going?" "–To the john." "–Alone?" "–I always go alone." "Why?" "No reason." "You gonna be in there long?" "Long as it takes." "Are you crazy, letting him go alone?" "–Suppose he tries to kill himself?" "–In the john?" "Razor blades, poison, anything that's in there." "That's the kid's bathroom." "The worst he could do is brush his teeth to death." "He could jump." "–Isn't there a window in there?" "–It's only six inches wide." "He could break the glass, and cut his wrists." "And flush himself into the East River." "–He won't try anything." "–Listen." "He's crying." "You hear that, he's crying." "Isn't that terrible?" "For God's sakes, Oscar, say something." "What do you say to a man who's crying in your bathroom?" "He's coming!" "Well, I guess I'll just be running along..." "Felix, wait a second!" "No, I can't talk to you." "I can't talk to anyone." "Felix, we're your friends." "Don't run out like this." "There's nothing to talk about it." "There's nothing to say." "It's over." "–Let me go." "Please, leave me alone." "–Let him go." "Stop him!" "–Let's go." "Break the door down." "–Break it in." "Felix!" "He's jumped." "I tell you he jumped." "My back!" "My back!" "My back!" "My back!" "My back!" "Will you leave me alone?" "Oh, my stomach!" "What's the matter with your stomach?" "Nothing." "I didn't take anything." "Leave me alone." "–What did you take?" "–Nothing." "Don't tell Frances what I did." "–He took pills!" "–What kind of pills?" "I don't know." "Little green ones." "Don't call her." "Felix, when did you take these pills?" "A couple of hours ago." "You won't call her." "–How many pills did you take?" "–I can't remember." "A whole bottle and..." "A whole bottle of pills!" "My God!" "Get an ambulance." "–We don't know what kind." "–What difference does it make?" "–He took a whole bottle." "–Maybe they were vitamins." "He could be the healthiest one here." "Walk him around." "Don't let him sleep." "Open the window, give him some air!" "Rub his wrists." "Keep his circulation going." "One doctor at a time." "All the interns, shut the hell up!" "You didn't call Frances?" "–Get him under the cold shower." "–Vinnie, turn the shower on." "Watch my arm." "Please." "Turn it off!" "We gotta get the pills out." "The pills are out." "I threw up before." "12 years." "Did you know I was married 12 years, Roy?" "Yes, Felix." "I knew." "It's over like that." "That's hysterical." "Maybe it was just a fight." "You've had fights before, Felix." "No, it's over." "She's getting a lawyer tomorrow –my cousin, she is." "–Who am I gonna get?" "–It's OK, Felix." "All right, let's not stand around looking at him." "Let's break it up." "Don't stand there looking at me." "I'm ashamed of it." "Let's call it a night." "–It's all right." "We understand." "–Don't tell anybody." "Promise me." "–I'm going to Florida tomorrow." "–That's nice." "Have a good time." "We were going to Florida next winter without the kids." "Now they're going without me." "OK, come on, boys." "Good night." "–One of us should stay." "–It's OK." "Suppose he tries something again." "–He won't." "–How do you know?" "I won't try anything." "I'm very tired." "You hear?" "He's very tired, he's had a busy night." "Good night, fellas." "Good night." "If anything happens, Oscar, just call me." "I'm three blocks away." "I could be here in five minutes." "If you need me, I'll be at the Meridian Motel, Miami Beach." "–You'll be the first one I call, Vinnie." "–Good." "–Oscar." "–Yeah?" "–Are you sure?" "–I'm sure." "Good night, Felix." "Get a good night's sleep." "Things will look brighter in the morning." "Take away his belt and his shoelaces." "Felix, Felix... –Felix, Felix." "–I know." "I know!" "I know!" "Oscar, what am I gonna do?" "We'll talk about it later." "Get something to eat first." "Would you like some hot Ovaltine?" "The thing is I still love her." "I always loved her." "How about vanilla wafers or Vienna fingers, or Mallomars?" "A nice box of chocolate Mallomars?" "I got everything." "We had so much together." "Two beautiful kids, a beautiful home." "Whoever had more beautiful kids or a more beautiful home?" "12 years of marriage down the drain." "Drains can be fixed." "We have plumbers." "Get me a pot under the sink." "It's not fair." "Dammit, it's not fair... –What's the matter?" "–I got a nerve spasm in my neck." "Just take it easy." "Show me where it hurts." "–Don't touch me." "–I just want to see where it hurts." "–No, it's tension." "I must be tense." "–I wouldn't be surprised." "–Relax, dammit, relax." "–Don't yell at me." "–Does that hurt?" "–No, it feels good." "You make the same sounds for pain or happiness." "I think I'm crazy." "If it makes you feel better, I think so too." "It doesn't take much." "The first sign of things going wrong, I go to pieces." "Don't stop." "It feels good when you rub." "If you don't relax, I'm gonna break my fingers." "Look at this –the only man in the world with clenched hair!" "Bend over." "Attaboy." "OK, now hold still." "If this hurts, Felix, tell me, cos I don't know what I'm doing." "–What's that noise?" "–I can't breathe in here." "It must be the dust." "Open the window." "We're not opening any windows on the 11th floor." "To get some fresh air we'll go downstairs for a walk." "I wish I were like you, Oscar, strong." "But I'm weak and I admit it." "You'll outlive today's entire generation." "You want a lick?" "You don't understand." "I'm nothing without my wife and kids." "You're not nothing." "You're something." "You're a person." "You're flesh and blood, bones, hair, nails and ears." "You're not a fish, you're not a buffalo, you're you." "You walk and talk and cry and complain and eat little green pills and send suicide telegrams." "No one else does that." "I'm telling you, you're the only one of its kind in the world!" "You stained me!" "Chocolate ice cream stains." "That's a stain." "Ice cream doesn't stain." "Vanilla and coffee don't stain, chocolate does!" "That's a stain!" "Felix, leave that alone, will you?" "Or you'll get a water stain." "That won't come out." "That's permanent." "You ready to order now?" "Oh, hi!" "My little pussycat." "Come here, darling." "For a tip I'll leave you the key to my apartment." "Is it informal or can I bring my husband?" "I can't wait that long." "How about five minutes behind the cash register?" "If you bite, I can't write!" "What'll you have?" "A cup of hot tea, please." "Hot tea for Diamond Jim Brady." "Are you gonna eat anything?" "I just had an ice cream." "Give me a corn beef on rye, all fat and a high calorie cream soda." "Ain't she cute?" "If you don't try, how are you gonna find out?" "Easy for you and me." "We're men, we're out in the world." "We can meet new people." "What about Frances?" "What about Frances?" "It's harder on the woman." "She's alone with the kids." "She can't get out like me." "How will she meet somebody, with two kids, and where?" "Maybe someone will come to the door." "–Stop talking about Frances." "–Do you want me to forget about her?" "How do you wipe out 12 years of marriage just like that?" "Face it." "You can't spend your life crying." "It annoys people in the movies." "–What's the matter?" "–I'm cold." "It's the air-conditioning." "–Why is it so high?" "I'll probably get flu." "–You want a blanket?" "You've got to be careful with air conditioning." "I never let Frances turn ours on in the summer." "She must be crazy about that." "Let's move to another table." "I knew it." "What's the matter now?" "I got this... my ears are filling up." "I got this sinus condition." "It's the change in temperature." "I always get it from air-conditioning." "Maybe it'll go away." "It's part of my allergies." "I get them in summer." "–Only in summer?" "–And winter too." "All year long." "I'm allergic to foods, pillows, curtains and perfumes." "Can you imagine that?" "That used to drive Frances crazy." "For a while she couldn't wear anything except my aftershave lotion." "I was impossible to live with." "Stop that." "What are you doing?" "I'm trying to clear up my ears." "You create a pressure inside your head." "It opens the Eustachian tubes." "–Did it open up?" "–I think I strained my throat." "Leave yourself alone?" "Don't tinker." "I know." "I can't help it." "I drive everybody crazy." "A marriage counsellor once kicked me out and wrote on my chart "lunatic"." "It takes two to make a rotten marriage." "You don't know what I was like at home." "I'm a compulsive cleaner." "Always cleaning up after Frances." "Then I'd re-cook her meals because I'm a much better cook." "I cooked myself right out of a marriage." "Stupid damned idiot." "Hey, Felix, don't do that." "You'll get a headache." "I can't stand it any more." "It's just..." "–I hate me." "Boy, do I hate me!" "–You don't hate you, you love you." "–You think no one else has problems." "–I thought you were my friend." "I am." "I can talk to you this way because I love you almost as much as you do." "–Then why don't you help?" "–Help you?" "I can't even help myself." "You think you're impossible to live with?" "Blanche would ask, "When do you want dinner?" I'd say, "I'm not hungry."" "Then, three o'clock in the morning, I'd wake her up and say, "Now!"" "I've been one of the highest paid sports writers for 14 years." "We saved $ 8.50 in pennies." "I'm never home." "I gamble." "I drink like a fish." "Lie to her every chance I get." "For our wedding anniversary I took her to the New York vs. Detroit hockey game." "She got hit by a puck." "I still can't figure out why she left me." "That's how impossible I am." "Let's get out of here." "The muggers will be here soon." "I don't think I can take it living alone, Oscar." "In two weeks I'll go to pieces." "How will I work and make a living?" "Cry on street corners." "They'll throw you nickels." "You'll work." "Tonight, you'll sleep here." "Tomorrow get your clothes and toothbrush and move in with me." "It's your apartment." "I'll just be in the way." "There's eight rooms." "We could go a year without seeing each other." "Don't you understand?" "I want you to move in." "–Why?" "I'm a pest." "–You don't have to keep telling me." "Then why do you want me to move in?" "I can't stand living alone, that's why." "I'm proposing." "What do you want, a ring?" "If you really mean it." "There's a lot I can do." "I'm very handy around the house." "I know how to fix things." "–I fixed my wife's hairdryer." "–I don't have one." "Blanche took it." "Let me do something." "I got to do something." "You can take my wife's initials off the towels." "Anything you say." "You can sleep in Brucey's room." "I can cook, you know." "I'm a terrific cook." "You don't have to." "I got enough potato chips to last a year." "Two meals a day?" "At home?" "We'll save a fortune." "–We got to pay alimony." "–OK, you can cook." "You like leg of lamb?" "I'll make it this weekend." "I got to call Frances." "She's got my big pot." "Will you forget Frances?" "We'll get our own pots." "Don't drive me crazy before you move in." "Listen, Oscar." "If I do anything that irritates you, don't be afraid to tell me." "It's your apartment." "I don't want to get on your nerves." "–Hello, Frances." "–I'm not here." "You haven't heard from me." "You didn't see me." "And I'm not here." "Yes, he's here." "Is she worried?" "What's she saying?" "Is she crying?" "Does she want to speak..." "I don't want to talk to her." "He's gonna stay here with me." "And you can tell her, I'm not coming back." "And I've taken as much as she has." "I'm human too, you know." "She's not the only one that's suffered in this marriage." "Tell her!" "–He's fine." "–Don't tell her I'm fine." "I was gonna kill myself." "Why did you say I'm fine?" "–I understand." "–Ask if she wants to speak to me." "Do you want to speak to him?" "Oh, you don't." "–She doesn't?" "–I understand." "Good night, Frances." "She doesn't want to speak to me?" "Why did she call?" "She wants to know when you're collecting your clothes." "She wants to have the room repainted." "Listen, Felix, it's almost one o'clock." "Let's go to bed." "–She didn't want to speak to me." "–I'll get you a pair of pyjamas." "You like stripes, dots or animals?" "I wanted to kill myself and she's picking colours." "How about some house slippers for you?" "I'm glad." "She finally made me realise it's over." "It didn't sink in till this minute." "Felix, I want you to go to bed." "My marriage is really over." "It doesn't seem so bad now." "–I can live with this thing." "–Live with it tomorrow." "–Go to bed tonight." "–In a few minutes." "I got to think and rearrange my life." "Felix, this is my apartment." "I make up the bedtime." "You don't understand." "I want to be alone." "Go to bed and I'll clean up." "–You don't have to clean up." "–I can't sleep with the room like this." "I'll see you in the morning." "I'll cook breakfast." "You're not going to do anything big like rolling up rugs, are you?" "Ten minutes, that's all I'm gonna be." "I'm gonna do the dishes and go to bed." "He's gonna do the dishes." "–Hey, Oscar." "–Yeah?" "I'm gonna be all right!" "It may take a few days." "–I'm gonna be all right." "–Good." "Good night, Felix." "Good night, Frances." "–Morning, Harry." "–Morning." "Hey, that's my bus." "See you tonight, Oscar." "What'll I make for dinner?" "The batter, number nine, Bill Mazerosky, second base." "Strike!" "Well, that's the ball game." "It's not over yet." "Bases loaded, Mazerosky up, ninth inning—" "You expect the Mets to hold a one-run lead?" "What's the matter?" "You never heard of a triple play?" "Hello." "Phone for you, Madison." "I'll call him back." "He says it's an emergency." "Yeah?" "Just called to say don't eat any frankfurters at the game today." "I'm making franks and beans for dinner." "A triple play!" "The Mets did it!" "It was the greatest fielding play I ever saw and you missed it!" "Are you crazy?" "Are you out of your mind?" "Take your frankfurters and..." "Oscar." "Hey, Oscar..." "–I'm sorry I'm late." "–Wipe your feet." "If you know what's good for you, wipe your feet." "How's the game going?" "What happened to the apartment?" "It's been given the Good Housekeeping seal of approval." "Deal the cards." "A cold glass of beer for Roy." "Where's your coaster?" "–What?" "–Your coaster, the little round thing that goes under the glass." "I think I bet it." "Here." "I knew I was winning too much." "Try to use the coasters." "Scotch and a little bit of water." "–And I have my coaster." "–You know what wet glasses do." "–They leave little rings on the table." "–Little rings on the table." "We don't want rings on the table." "And we have a nice warm sandwich for Vinnie." "It smells good!" "What is it?" "Bacon, lettuce and tomato with mayonnaise on toast." "–You just made it?" "–One, two, three." "You cooked bacon just for me?" "Don't like it, he'll make a meatloaf in five minutes." "Eat over the dish." "I just vacuumed the rug." "–That's good." "–Oscar, what did you want?" "Two three and a half minute eggs and petits fours." "Double gin and tonic, right?" "Be with you in a minute." "–Who turned off the de-humidifier?" "–The what?" "I said don't play with it." "I'm trying to get the grime out of the air." "Murray, I'll give you $ 200 for your gun." "I can't take any more." "We've played four minutes of poker." "I'm not watching cooking and cleaning." "I can't breathe." "That lousy machine is sucking everything out of the air." "–This is delicious." "Who wants a bite?" "–I didn't have any supper." "Is it warm?" "–Perfect!" "It's a well-made sandwich." "–Cut me a little piece." "Give me your napkin." "I don't want to drop any crumbs." "Martha and Gertrude at the Automat." "That thing could kill us." "They'll find us with our tongues on the floor." "Do something, Oscar." "Get him back into the game." "Don't come to me with problems." "You get this one night a week." "I'm cooped up with Mary Poppins 24 hours a day." "–Felix, get in here, will you?" "–Coming!" "It was better before with the garbage and the smoke." "Did you notice what he does with the bread?" "He cuts off the crusts." "That's why the sandwich is light." "And he only uses the soft part of the lettuce." "It's delicious." "–I'm going out of my mind." "–Felix, get in here." "I'm going home." "The day his marriage busted up was the end of our poker game." "You can't run out now." "I'm a big loser." "You got no one to blame but yourself." "You're the one who stopped him from killing himself." "He's right." "That man is absolutely right." "–Are you gonna eat that pickle?" "–Why?" "Do you want it?" "–Unless you want it." "–Take it." "I don't usually eat pickle." "–Deal the cards." "–Why did you do that?" "You want to play poker, deal the cards." "You want to eat, go to a delicatessen." "Keep your pickle and sandwiches to yourself." "I'm losing $ 53 here and everybody's getting fat." "What?" "Close the stinking restaurant." "We got a poker game going on." "Is it up to me?" "Who threw a pickle on the floor?" "I don't think that's funny." "What is that smell?" "Disinfectant?" "It's the cards." "He washed the cards." "I'm getting out of here." "I can't stand any more." "Where are you going?" "I've been breathing cleaning fluid and ammonia for three hours." "Nature didn't intend for poker to be played like that." "OK, ready to play." "–We got just enough for handball." "–Where is everybody?" "You got the nerve to ask?" "I've just been sterilised out of $ 53." "I'm sorry." "Is it my fault, fellas?" "I guess no one feels like playing tonight." "I better be going too." "Got to get up early." "Bebe and I are driving to Asbury Park for the weekend." "That's nice." "You always do things like that together." "We have to." "I don't know how to drive." "You coming, Murray?" "Yeah, why not?" "I got to stop and get Mimi a hero sandwich and a frozen éclair." "Marriage!" "Those two playboys sure got the life." "Some life those playboys got." "That's funny, isn't it." "Oscar?" "They think we're happy." "They think we're enjoying ourselves." "They just don't know what it's like living alone." "I'd be immensely grateful if you didn't clean up just now." "Just a few things." "But playboys, us!" "That's really funny." "I think they actually envy us." "–They should only know." "–Leave everything alone." "I'm not through dirtying up for the night." "–Don't you see the irony of it?" "–Yes, I see it." "–I don't think you see it." "–I'm telling you." "I see the irony of it." "All right, tell me." "What's the irony?" "Unless we come to some arrangement, I'm gonna kill you." "That's the irony of it." "–What's wrong, Oscar?" "–This system is wrong." "I don't think two single men living in a big apartment should have a cleaner house than my mother!" "What are you talking about?" "You don't have to clean up." "What you do is worse." "You're always hanging up my towels." "When I smoke, you follow me with an ashtray." "Last night I found you washing the kitchen floor, moaning, "Footprints."" "–I didn't say they were yours." "–They were mine." "What do you want me to do?" "Climb across the cabinets?" "–I just want you to walk on the floor." "–I really appreciate that." "I'm just trying to keep this place liveable." "–I didn't know I irritated you that much." "–Leave my pictures alone." "–I was just trying to even them up." "–I want them uneven." "They're mine." "Even up your own pictures." "I was wondering how long it would take." "–How long what would take?" "–Before I got on your nerves." "I didn't say you got on my nerves." "Don't do that." "Same thing." "You said I irritated you." "You said you irritated me." "I didn't say it." "–What did you say?" "–What difference does it make?" "I was just repeating what I thought you said." "Don't repeat what you thought I said." "My God!" "That's irritating." "–You did say it." "–I don't believe this conversation." "Oscar, I'm sorry." "–I don't know what's wrong with me." "–And don't pout." "We'll fight, but don't pout." "Fighting, I win, pouting, you win." "You're right." "Everything you say about me is absolutely right." "Don't give in." "I'm not always right." "Sometimes you're right." "You're right." "I always figure I'm wrong." "–Only this time you are wrong." "–Leave me alone." "–Don't sulk." "That's like pouting." "–I know." "Damn me." "Why can't I do just one lousy thing right?" "–Why didn't you throw it?" "–I almost did." "–Sometimes I get insane." "–Then why not throw the cup?" "–I'm trying to control myself." "–Why?" "What do you mean, "why"?" "You were angry." "Why didn't you throw it?" "I'd still be angry and I'd have a broken cup." "How do you know?" "Maybe you'd feel wonderful." "Why do you control every thought that comes into your head?" "Do something you feel like doing, not what you're supposed to do." "Stop controlling yourself." "Relax." "Get drunk." "Get angry." "Break the lousy cup." "I hurt my arm." "You're a hopeless mental case." "I shouldn't throw with that arm." "I got bursitis." "Why don't you live in a closet?" "I'll leave your meals outside the door and slide in the newspapers." "–I hurt easily and I can't help it." "–You're not gonna cry?" "Those tears dripping on your arm is what gave you bursitis." "Let me tell you something." "I may not be the easiest person to live with, but you could have done a whole lot worse." "–How?" "–I put order in this house." "You're saving money, sleeping on clean sheets, eating hot meals." "–And I did that!" "–Yes, that's right." "Then after we've had your halibut steak and tartare sauce" "I have to spend the evening watching you Saran wrap the leftovers." "When are you and I gonna have some fun and get out?" "What are you talking about?" "Eat over the plate." "Fun?" "Getting a clear picture on Channel Two is not my idea of whoopee." "But we don't always watch TV." "Sometimes we read and talk." "I read and you talk." "I try to work and you talk." "I go to sleep and you talk." "Your life's arranged pretty good." "I'm looking for a little entertainment." "Are you saying I talk too much?" "I'm not complaining." "You got a lot to say." "What's worrying me is I'm beginning to listen." "–You won't hear another peep out of me." "–You're gonna give me a haircut?" "I'm gonna cut some greens and make coleslaw for tomorrow." "I don't want coleslaw." "I just want some fun tonight." "–I thought you liked my coleslaw." "–I love your coleslaw." "I'll take your coleslaw to work." "But not tonight." "Let's go out." "Let's go." "It's only for you." "I don't like coleslaw." "If you wanted to get out why didn't you say?" "You think I like slaving in the kitchen all day long?" "Hey, how about that?" "Oscar, you're right." "A person has to get out of the house once in a while." "Yeah, bowling is a wonderful exercise." "But that's not the kind of relaxation I had in mind." "–The night was made for other things." "–Like what?" "Like unless I touch something soft in the next two weeks, I'm in trouble." "Oh –you mean women?" "If you want to give it a name, women." "It's funny." "I haven't thought of women in weeks." "I fail to see the humour." "All I'm saying is why don't we spend one night talking to someone with higher voices than us?" "–You mean..." "–That's what I mean." "–I can't." "–Why not?" "I'm not ready for it yet." "I don't want to discuss it." "Let's bowl." "I intend to go out." "I get as lonely as the next fella." "But I've only been separated two weeks." "Give me time." "There is no time left." "I saw a TV guide." "There's nothing on this week ‐ 12 in the corner." "What am I asking, for crying out loud?" "All I want is dinner and some laughs with a couple of girls." "Can't you go yourself?" "Why do you need me?" "I may want to come back and if we find you washing windows, it puts a damper on things." "I'll take a pill and go to sleep." "Why take a pill when you take a girl?" "I would feel guilty." "I'm sorry, but that's the way I feel." "Go ahead and shoot." "And anyway, I don't know any single girls." "Leave that to me." "There are two English sisters in our building." "One's a widow, the other's a divorcee." "They're a barrel of laughs." "–How do you know?" "–I was trapped in the elevator with them." "–Please, say yes." "–If it means that much to you." "That's the Felix I've been waiting for." "–What do they look like?" "–Yours is very pretty." "We're set. 7:30 tomorrow." "–Which one do I get?" "–The divorcee." "–Why do I get the divorcee?" "–You want the widow?" "I don't want the widow or the divorcee." "I'm doing this for you." "Take whoever you want." "Just point to the sister of your choice." "I just want some laughs." "What are they?" "Old?" "You know, how?" "–30,35?" "Older?" "–They're young kids." "Where did you say you met them?" "Did they want to meet me?" "Don't suddenly call one of them Frances!" "It's Gwendolyn and Cecily." "Not Frances." "Gwendolyn and Cecily." "Rule Britannia, Britannia rule the waves..." "Supposing my kids see me?" "I'm going to nightclubs with foreign girls." "I got two American kids to support." "Where are we gonna have dinner?" "Anywhere you say." "Chinese, Italian..." "You mean a restaurant?" "It will cost a fortune." "We cut down on laundry." "We don't wear socks on Thursdays." "We can't afford restaurants." "I'll cook and we'll save 30 or 40 dollars." "What kind of double date is that?" "You'll be in the kitchen all night." "I put it up in the afternoon." "Once my potatoes are in, I got all the time in the world." "What happened to the new Felix?" "Who are you calling?" "Frances." "I want her recipe for meatloaf." "The girls will be crazy about it." "–I'd like fresh ground." "–That's fresh." "That's packaged." "I want fresh." "–How much?" "–Four pounds exactly." "Is that one ripe?" "Not for tonight." "A couple of days." "Hey!" "Beautiful!" "Beautiful!" "I'm home, dear!" "Something wonderful is going on in that kitchen." "No doubt about it, I am the luckiest man on earth." "Felix, listen, I got the wine." "Batard Montrachet, six and a quarter." "You don't mind, pussycat?" "We can walk to work this week." "You did a great job." "One suggestion." "Let's come down a little with the lights and up very softly with the music." "Hey, you think Mozart goes good with meatloaf?" "What's the matter?" "Something's wrong." "I can tell from your conversation." "–All right, Felix, what is it?" "–What is it?" "–Let's start with what time you think it is." "–What time?" "I don't know. 7:30?" "–Try 8:00." "–All right." "So it's 8:00." "So?" "You said you'd be home at 7:00." "–Is that what I said?" "–"I'll be home at 7:00."" "So I said I'd be home at 7:00 and it's 8:00." "What's the problem?" "If you knew you'd be late, why didn't you call?" "–I couldn't, I was busy." "–Too busy to phone?" "Where were you?" "–In the office, working." "–In the office, working?" "I called at 7:00." "You were gone." "I couldn't get a cab home." "Since when do they have cabs in Hannigan's Bar?" "Wait." "I want this on a tape recorder." "Nobody's gonna believe me." "Now I've got to call you if I'm coming home late for dinner?" "Not any dinner." "Just the ones I've been slaving over since 5:00 this afternoon to help you save to pay your wife's alimony." "Felix, this is no time to have a domestic quarrel." "We got two girls coming down here any minute!" "You told them to be here at 8:00?" "I don't remember what I said ‐ 7:30,8:00." "What's the difference?" "I'll tell you." "You said they'd be here at 7:30." "You were gonna be here at 7:00, help me with the hors d'œuvres and at 7:30 they get here, we have cocktails." "At 8:00 we're gonna eat dinner." "It's now 8:00 and the meatloaf is done." "If we don't eat within 15 seconds, the damned thing will be dried out." "God help me." "Never mind you." "Tell him to save my meatloaf." "–Can't you keep it warm?" "–You think I'm the magic chef?" "I'm lucky I got it to come out at 8:00." "–What am I gonna do?" "–I don't know." "Pour gravy on it." "–Don't you have any gravy?" "–Where do I get gravy at 8:00?" "I thought it comes when you cook the meat." "You don't know what you're talking about." "You just don't know." "You got to make gravy." "It doesn't come." "–You asked my advice..." "–Your advice?" "You didn't even know where this kitchen was till I showed you." "You want to talk, buddy?" "Put down that spoon." "You dumb ignoramus, that is a ladle!" "–You did not know that's a ladle." "–Get a hold of yourself." "You think it's so easy?" "The kitchen's all yours." "You make a meatloaf for four people that come a half hour late!" "I'm arguing with him over gravy." "They're here." "I'll get a saw and cut the meat." "I want to tell you something." "I'm not taking the blame for this dinner." "–Who even cares about the dinner?" "–I care." "I take pride in what I do and you're gonna explain what happened." "You can take a picture of me coming in at 8:00." "Take off that stupid apron." "I'm opening the door." "This is the last time I cook for you." "You don't even appreciate a decent meal." "–That's why they have TV dinners." "–Are you through?" "Then smile." "–Hi there." "–Hello." "–I hope we're not late." "–You timed it perfectly." "Come in." "–Oh, isn't this lovely?" "–Thank you very much." "Felix, I'd like you to meet two elevator acquaintances of mine." "–Gwendolyn and Cecily." "–No, Cecily and Gwendolyn." "Terribly sorry." "Cecily and Gwendolyn." "–Don't tell me, Robin?" "–No." "–Cardinal?" "–Wrong both times." "It's Pigeon." "Cecily and Gwendolyn Pigeon." "The Pigeon sisters." "Or as our friends in Chelsea used to call us, the Coo-Coo Pigeon sisters." "–I like that." "–Thank you." "Girls, I'd like you to meet my roommate and our chef, Mr Felix Ungar." "–How do you do?" "–How do you do?" "Well, we did that beautifully." "Shall we sit down and make ourselves comfortable?" "This is so nice." "Perfume." "Shall I sit here?" "Sure, any place you like." "Don't sit on the hors d'œuvre!" "This is ever so nice, isn't it Gwen?" "And it's so much neater than our flat." "Do you have help?" "Yes, I have a man who comes in every night." "Well, aren't you the lucky one?" "This is really nice." "I was telling Felix only yesterday how we met." "–Who's Felix?" "–He is." "Oh, yes, of course." "Sorry." "You know, it happened to us again this morning?" "–Stuck in the lift again." "–Just the two of you?" "And Mr Kessler from the third floor for nearly half an hour." "Is that right?" "What happened?" "Nothing much, I'm afraid." "Oh, honestly!" "Gwen!" "This is really nice." "And ever so much cooler than our place." "It's like Equatorial Africa on our side of the building." "Last night it was so bad, Gwen and I sat there in nature's own cooling ourselves in front of the fridge." "–Can you imagine such a thing?" "–I'm working on it." "Honestly!" "It's impossible to get a night's sleep." "Cec and I don't know what to do." "Why don't you sleep with an air-conditioner?" "–We haven't got one." "–I know, but we have." "I told you about that one, didn't I?" "They say it may rain, Friday." "That should cool things off a bit." "Yes, I wouldn't be surprised." "Although sometimes it gets hotter after it rains." "–Yes it does, doesn't it?" "–Yes, sometimes it gets hotter." "–Dinner's served." "–No, it isn't!" "I'm sure the girls would like a cocktail first, wouldn't you?" "–I wouldn't put up a struggle." "–What would you like?" "I don't know." "What have you got?" "–Meatloaf." "–Oh." "She means to drink." "We have everything." "And what we don't have, I mix in the medicine cabinet." "–What'll it be?" "–Oh, a double vodka." "Darling, please not before dinner." "My sister, honestly." "She watches over me like a mother hen!" "Make it a small double vodka." "A small double vodka." "And for the beautiful mother hen?" "Well, I think I'd like something cool." "I know." "I would like a double Drambuie with crushed ice." "Unless you haven't got crushed ice." "I was up all night with a sledgehammer." "I shall return." "–Where are you going?" "–To get the refreshments." "–Inside?" "What am I gonna do?" "–You can finish the weather report." "Don't forget to look at my meatloaf." "–Oscar tells me you're sisters." "–Yes." "That's right." "From England." "I see." "We're not brothers." "Yes." "We know." "Although I am a brother." "I have a brother." "He's a doctor in Buffalo." "That's up state New York." "–Yes, we know." "–You know my brother?" "No." "We know Buffalo is up state in New York." "Yes, thank you." "We've been there." "Have you?" "–No." "Is it nice?" "–It's lovely." "Isn't that interesting?" "Silly me." "Thank you." "How long have you two been in the United States of America?" "–Four?" "Four in June." "–Almost four years now." "–Just visiting?" "–No." "We live here." "–Do you work here too?" "–Oh yes." "Yes, we're secretaries for a health club." "People bring us their bodies and we do wonderful things with them." "If you're interested," "Off the price, not off your body." "Oscar, where are the drinks?" "And what field of endeavour are you engaged in?" "–I write the news for television." "–Oh, fascinating." "Where do you get your ideas from?" "From the news." "Oh yes, of course." "Silly me." "Maybe you can mention Gwen and I in one of your reports." "If you do something spectacular, then maybe I will." "We've done spectacular things but I don't think we want it all over the telly!" "Oscar!" "This apartment is so big, sometimes you have to holler." "Oh." "Just you two baches live here?" "Baches?" "Oh, you mean bachelors." "We're not bachelors." "We're divorced." "That is Oscar's divorced and I'm getting..." "Small world." "We've cut the dinghy loose too, as they say." "You couldn't have a better matched foursome, could you?" "No, I suppose not." "Although, technically I am a widow." "I was divorcing my husband but he died before the final papers came through." "I'm awfully sorry." "Divorce is a terrible thing, isn't it?" "It can be if you haven't got the right solicitor." "That's true." "Sometimes it can drag out for months." "I was lucky." "Snip, cut and I was free." "But of course, that's all water under the bridge now, isn't it?" "I'm terribly sorry, I think I've forgotten your name." "–Felix." "–Of course, Felix." "–Like the cat." "–The cat." "Well, the Pigeons will have to beware of the cat, won't they?" "That's the worst part about breaking up." "Childhood sweethearts, were you?" "No, that's my little boy and girl." "He's seven." "She's five." "Oh, sweet." "They live with their mother." "I imagine you must miss them terribly." "I can't stand being away from them." "But that's what happens with divorce." "–When do you see them?" "–Every night." "I drop by on the way home." "And I take them on weekends and holidays, July and August." "–When is that you miss them?" "–Whenever I'm not there." "If they didn't have to go to school so early," "I'd make them breakfast." "They love my French toast." "You certainly are a devoted father." "–It's Frances who's wonderful." "–She's the little girl?" "–No, she's the mother." "My wife." "–The one you're divorcing?" "She's done a terrific job bringing them up." "They always look so nice, so polite." "They speak beautifully." "Never "yeah", always "yes"." "They're such good kids." "And she's done it all." "She's a wonderful woman." "She's the kind of woman who..." "What am I talking?" "You're not interested in any of this." "Nonsense!" "You've a right to be proud." "You have two beautiful children and a wonderful ex-wife." "There's Frances, see?" "Oh, she's pretty." "Isn't she pretty Cecy?" "–Oh yes, a pretty girl." "–Yes, she is pretty." "Isn't that nice?" "–There's no one in the picture." "–I know." "That's our living room." "–We had a beautiful apartment." "–It's very pretty." "–Those are lovely lamps." "–Thank you." "We got those in Mexico..." "on our honeymoon." "I used to love to come home at night." "That was my whole life." "My wife and kids and my apartment." "Does she have the lamps now, too?" "Yes." "I gave her everything." "My children and the lamps." "I'm sorry." "I didn't mean to get emotional." "Would you like some potato chips?" "Please, please." "You mustn't be ashamed." "It's a rare quality in a man to be able to cry." "So do I. I think it's sweet." "Terribly, terribly sweet." "You're just making it worse." "It's so refreshing to hear a man speak so highly of the woman he's divorcing." "Oh dear." "Now you've got me thinking about poor Sydney." "Gwen, please don't." "It was a good marriage at first, wasn't it?" "Everybody said so, didn't they?" "Not like you and George." "No, that's right." "George and I were never happy." "Not for one single, solitary day." "–This is ridiculous." "–I don't know what brought this on." "I was feeling so good a few minutes ago." "I haven't cried since I was 14." "Is everybody happy?" "–What happened?" "–Nothing." "Nothing?" "I'm gone three minutes and I walk into a funeral parlour." "–What did you say?" "–I didn't say anything." "I can't leave you alone for five seconds." "If you really want to cry, look at your meatloaf." "Why didn't you call me?" "Girls, I'm terribly sorry." "I forgot to warn you about Felix." "He's a walking soap opera." "I think he's the dearest thing I've ever met." "He's so sensitive, so fragile." "I just want to bundle him up in my arms and take care of him." "I think when he comes out of that kitchen, you may have to." "I'm gonna get some corned beef sandwiches." "No, wait, Felix." "Maybe we can salvage it." "–Yeah, let's see it." "–See what, $ 4.80 worth of ashes?" "I'd throw it down the incinerator but it won't burn twice." "I've got a wonderful idea." "Why don't we eat at our place?" "–That's a wonderful idea!" "–You'd be taking pot luck." "–I'm crazy about pot luck!" "–It's awfully hot up there." "We can open the refrigerator." "Give us five minutes to get into our cooking things." "Can't you make it four?" "I'm starving." "–Don't forget the wine." "–How could I forget the wine?" "–And a corkscrew." "–And Felix." "I won't forget Felix." "Ta ta." "–Ta ta." "–Ta ta." "You bet your sweet little crumpets." "Ta ta." "Felix, baby, I love ya." "You just overcooked us into one hell of a night." "Get the ice bucket." "I got the wine." "I'm not going." "I said I'm not going." "Are you out of your mind?" "Do you know what's waiting for us?" "You've been invited to spend the evening in a two bedroom hothouse with the Coo-Coo Pigeon sisters." "What do you mean, "you're not going"?" "I've nothing left to say." "I already told them about my brother." "I've used up all my conversation." "They're crazy about you." "They're nuts about you." "They told me." "One of them wants to wrap you up into a bundle." "You're doing better than I am." "Come on, get the ice bucket." "Don't you understand?" "I cried in front of two women." "And they loved it." "I'm thinking of getting hysterical." "Come on." "I'm still emotionally tied to Frances and the kids." "I don't want to talk about it any more." "I'm gonna scrub the pots and wash my hair." "Your pots and your hair can wait." "You're coming with me." "I'm not going." "What am I going to do up there with two girls?" "If I miss this opportunity, I'll never forgive you." "You're not gonna make any effort to change?" "This is the person you're gonna be till you die?" "We are what we are." "It's 12 floors not 11." "Ah!" "Hello, sports fans." "Speculation is running high among Yankee followers as to the possibility of trading away the great Hank Moonjean for three unknown players and an undetermined amount of cash." "Moonjean has racked up ten wins against only three losses this year which is, incidentally, high for both leagues." "It looks like the Yankee office will be bombarded by many protests..." "How long is this gonna go on?" "You talking to me?" "What do you want to know?" "If you gonna spend the rest of your life not talking to me, I'll get a radio." "You had your chance to talk last night." "I begged you to come." "Here's a key to the back door." "You stick to the hallway and your room and you won't get hurt." "Meaning what?" "If you want to live here, I don't want to see you or smell your cooking." "Now, kindly remove that spaghetti from my poker table." "–What's so funny?" "–It's not spaghetti." "It's linguini!" "Now it's garbage." "You're crazy." "I'm a neurotic nut but you're crazy." "That's really funny, coming from a fruitcake like you." "–I'm not cleaning that up." "–Is that a promise?" "Did you hear what I said?" "I'm not cleaning your mess." "Look at it." "It's hanging all over the wall." "I like it." "You'd just let it hang there, wouldn't you?" "Till it got all hard and brown and... disgusting." "–I'm cleaning it." "–Leave that alone." "Touch one strand and I'll punch you right in the sinuses!" "Oscar, come on, now!" "Why don't you take a tranquilliser?" "Go to your room." "Do you hear?" "Let's just settle down." "I'm warning you, Felix." "You want to live through this night, you better keep this door locked and your windows too!" "All right, Oscar." "I'd like to know what's happened." "Something made you go off the deep end." "What is it?" "–Is it something I said or did?" "–Nothing you said, don't start me." "Oscar, what is it?" "Is it the cooking?" "Or the cleaning?" "I'll tell you." "It's the cooking, cleaning, crying..." "It's the talking in your sleep." "It's those moose calls that open your ears at two o'clock in the morning." "I can't take it anymore, Felix." "I'm cracking up." "Everything you do irritates me." "When you're not here, the things I know you're gonna do irritate me." "You leave me little notes on my pillow." "I told you 158 times, I can't stand little notes on my pillow." ""We are all out of cornflakes, FU."" "It took me three hours to figure out that FU was Felix Ungar." "It's not your fault, Felix." "It's a rotten combination, that's all." "I get the picture." "I haven't even painted a picture yet." "I got a typewritten list in my office of the ten most aggravating things you do that drive me berserk." "But last night was the topper." "Oh, brother, that was the topper, the ever loving Lulu of all times!" "I had it all set up with those English sisters and I wind up drinking tea," "–and telling them your life story." "–I warned you not to make that date." "Don't point that finger, unless you intend to use it." "–Get off my back." "–What's this?" "A display of temper?" "I haven't seen you really angry since I dropped my cigar in your pancake batter." "You're asking to hear something I don't wanna say, but you ought to hear it." "If you've got anything on your chest besides your chin, get it off." "All right then, you asked for it!" "You're a wonderful guy, Oscar!" "You've done everything for me!" "If it weren't for you, I don't know what would have happened to me." "You gave me a place to live, something to live for." "I'm never gonna forget you for that." "You're tops with me!" "Have I just been told off?" "I think I may have missed it." "It's coming." "You are also one of the biggest slobs in the world." "–Totally unreliable." "–Is that it?" "–Undependable." "–Finished?" "Keep going, you're hot." "No, not keep going." "You've been told off." "How do you like that?" "Because now, I'm gonna tell you off." "For six months I've lived alone in this apartment in eight big rooms." "I was dejected, despondent and disgusted." "Then you moved in." "My closest and dearest friend." "And after three weeks of close personal contact," "I'm about to have a nervous breakdown." "Do me a favour." "Move into the kitchen." "Live with your pots, pans, ladles, your meat thermometers." "When you want to come out, ring a bell and I'll run into the bedroom." "I'm asking you nicely, Felix, as a friend, stay out of my way." "Walk on the paper." "I washed the floor in there." "Stay away from me, Oscar." "Oscar stay away from me." "This is the day I'm gonna kill you." "Oscar." "No, Oscar!" "You hit me, you get yourself one sweet lawsuit!" "Those dogs should be on a leash." "–Can I speak to you calmly?" "–First you bleed, then we'll talk." "I got you now, Felix." "There's no place for you to go but down." "If you want to fight, let's go to the living room." "I don't want you in my living room, bedroom, bathroom, kitchen, or my building." "I don't want you at all." "–What are you talking about?" "–It's over." "We're getting an annulment." "Don't you understand?" "I don't want to live with you." "Pack your things, tie it in Saran wrap and get out." "–You mean actually move out?" "–Actually, physically, immediately." "–This minute?" "–Yes, this minute." "If you can do it sooner, I'd appreciate it." "I've got a good mind to really leave." "Why doesn't he hear me?" "I know I'm talking." "I recognise my voice." "Because, if you really want me to go, I'll go." "I want you to go, so go!" "When are you going?" "Boy, you're in a bigger hurry than Frances was." "Take as much time as she gave you." "Follow your usual routine." "In other words, you're throwing me out?" "Not in other words." "Those are the perfect ones." "I just wanted to get the record straight." "Let it be on your conscience." "Let what be on my conscience?" "I'm perfectly willing to clear the air of our differences, but you refuse." "I'm sick and tired of you clearing the air." "That's why I want you to leave." "But what happens to me is your responsibility." "Let it be on your head." "Let what be on my head?" "Wait a minute." "Why can't you get thrown out like a decent human being?" "Let what be on my head?" "I'm leaving now, according to your wishes and desires." "Either I'll come back and get the rest of my clothes or someone else will." "You are not going any place" "–until you take it back." "–Take what back?" ""Let it be on your head." What the hell is that?" "–"The Curse Of The Cat People?" –I can't leave if you block the door." "Is this how you left Frances?" "No wonder she wanted your room repainted." "I'm gonna have yours dipped in bronze." "Would you get out of the way, please?" "Where will you go?" "Oh come on, Oscar." "You're not really interested, are you?" "All right, you win." "We'll try to iron it out." "Come back." "Felix!" "Felix, come back!" "Don't leave me like this." "I'm telling you, I'm worried." "I know Felix is going to try something crazy." "You threw him out?" "I threw him out." "I admit it." "Let it be on my head." "–Let what be on your head?" "–Felix put it there, ask him." "He's out there somewhere." "He was driving us crazy with his napkins and his ashtrays and his bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwiches." "All of you said so." "We didn't say kick him out." "Who do you think I did it for?" "I did it for us." "Do you know what he was planning for Friday's game as a change of pace?" "A Hawaiian luau!" "Roast pork, fried rice, spareribs." "They don't play poker like that in Honolulu." "–He's out there alone." "–Now I'm really worried." "Then why don't we stop worrying and start looking?" "How are we gonna find him?" "It's a big city." "We'll look for a guy with a suitcase who's crying." "They're not gonna like this at the station." "You're not supposed to look for a missing person with a missing car." "Take it out of my taxes." "We'll try his apartment first." "Frances hasn't heard from him since he called for her meatloaf recipe." "–Where to now?" "–Cruise along Riverside Drive." "This is crazy, Oscar." "Why don't we call the cops?" "Drive the car." "What are you doing, Murray?" "Off duty arrest." "Caught them gambling." "We already combed the West Side." "Why don't we go back and wait to hear something?" "I'm afraid we'll hear something." "–The poor guy." "–Will you stop saying that." "What about me?" "I got this lousy curse on my head." "Let's go back." "He'll show up." "I know him." "He'll kill himself just to spite me." "Then his ghost will come back, following me haunting and cleaning." "Come on, Oscar, play a few hands." "It'll take your mind off Felix." "Then stop mentioning his name." "I know what you're all thinking but you're wrong." "It's his fault, not mine." "He never should have moved in here." "He should have stayed with Blanche." "–Why should he?" "–She's his wife." "Blanche is your wife." "His wife is Frances." "Are you some kind of wise guy?" "The game is over." "Give me my cards." "–I don't want to play any more." "–We didn't even start." "I'm not gonna worry." "He's not worrying about me." "He's out in the streets, sulking and having a wonderful time." "–I smell spaghetti." "–It's not spaghetti, it's linguini." "–Don't you care?" "–I thought you weren't worried." "I'm not, dammit." "I'm not worried." "–I'll bet that's him." "–I said he'd be back." "Vinnie, open the door." "Play like nothing happened." "Just deal." "OK, open the door." "–Hello." "–How do you do?" "Hello there, Cecily." "Gwendolyn." "Please, don't stand up." "May I see you a moment, Mr Madison?" "Certainly, Gwendolyn." "What's the matter?" "I think you know." "I've come for Felix's things." "–You mean my Felix?" "–Yes, Felix Ungar." "That sweet man who's in my flat pouring his heart out to my sister." "Gwen, Felix doesn't want to stay." "Please tell him to stay." "Please, this is embarrassing." "I can go to a hotel." "–There's plenty of room on the sofa." "–I'll be in the way." "How could you possibly be in anyone's way?" "–You want to see a typewritten list?" "–You've said enough." "–Please just for a few days." "–Until you get settled." "–Please, we'd be so happy." "–Maybe just for a few days." "–That's marvellous!" "–Get the rest of your things." "–We'll clean the house." "–And cook dinner." "It'll be so nice to have a man about the house again." "Good night, gentlemen." "Sorry to interrupt your bridge game." "–Ta ta." "–Ta ta." "What did I tell you?" "It's always the quiet guys." "What nice girls." "Felix, are you really gonna move in with them?" "Just for a couple of days until I get my own pad." "–Aren't you going to thank me?" "–For what?" "The two greatest things I've done for you." "Taking you in and throwing you out." "You're right." "Getting thrown out twice is enough for any man." "In gratitude, I remove the curse." "Bless you and thank you, Wicked Witch of the North." "Probably the girls." "They hate it when I'm late for cocktails." "It's your wife." "Do me a favour." "Tell her I can't talk to her right now." "I'll call her in a couple of days because we have a lot to talk about." "And if I sound different, it's because I'm not the same man she threw out three weeks ago." "I will when I see her." "This is Oscar's wife." "Hello, Blanche." "I got a pretty good idea why you're calling." "You got my cheques, right?" "So now we're even." "No, I haven't been winning at the track." "I've just been eating home a lot lately." "You don't have to thank me." "I'm just doing what's right." "That's very nice of you too." "Good night, Mr Madison." "If you need any heavy cleaning, I get a dollar and a half an hour." "Yeah, OK." "Talk to you tomorrow night." "Kiss the kids for me." "Good night, Blanche." "What about next Friday?" "You're not gonna break up the game?" "Never." "Marriage may come and go, but the game must go on." "So long, Frances." "So long, Blanche." "What are we gonna do?" "Sit around or play poker?" "Let's play." "Boys, let's watch the cigarette butts." "This is my house, not a pig sty." "Ante a quarter, fellas."