"You know, I always say it really does not feel like Christmas till the tree is up!" "Ha ha!" "Look at that." "You know the one thing it's missin'?" "And, uh, you see this a lot with trees... is the color green." "Oh, now, Cash, that is the greenest tree you can get." "It's made entirely of post-consumer recycled waste." "You mean like soda bottles and plastic bags?" "Yes, exactly." "But mostly diapers." "Hey, guys, Geoffrey and I..." "Ho ho!" "Sweet honey in the rock." "What's that?" "That is a W. P.W...." "A wood-less pink wonder." "Yeah, but, mama, I wanted the smell of real pine, like a traditional Christmas tree." "Oh, honey, change is good." "You know, when I was a girl on the farm, my favorite tradition was when Uncle Charles cut off the goose's head." "And then whomever the headless torso ran to got to put the star on the tree." "Do you wanna go back to that?" "No." "It's just that that tree's a little much." "It's a little much for me, and, you know, I'm..." "Latin." "Come on, guys." "Reba, Reba, tell 'em." "Oh." "Okay." "Well, you know how this is our first Christmas since we moved to Malibu." "Ay, boring." "Come on." "Get to the meat." "Get to the meat." "Oh, okay." "All right." "Well, I went down to the church, and you know how I always did the Christmas solo back home." "Well, it turns out..." "Okay, your mom is gonna be singing a solo Christmas Eve at church." "Reba, tell 'em." "Well, I hope I get to." "I still have to audition after church on Sunday." "Ay, please." "With your voice, that is just a formality." "And I'm telling you, this is gonna be huge for her career." "The first church of Malibu is red-hot." "It is listed as one of the top ten power churches." "Yeah." "Their A.A. meetings are the who's who of Hollywood." "But that's not why I'm doing it." "Ay, I know." "It's for the Christmas spirit." "But, hey, if this launches a huge superstar singing career, that is just tinsel on the big gay tree." "I'm really happy for you, mama." "Well, thank you, Cash." "Hello, hello, my happy little holiday elves." "Hey." "Oh, my God." "We have the same tree." "Tree jinx." "You owe me an eggnog." "This must be Kim." "Ah!" "And you must be Geoffrey." " Ah." "Get a load of you." " Look at you." " Love the shoes." " You are adorable." " I love your hair." "Oh, my God." "Working that baby bump." "You are fabulous and then some." " We should go shopping and do brunch." " We should go shopping and do brunch." "They're like those twins from "the shining."" "Okay, guys, I gotta go take my grandma to the mall." "Every year she insists on sitting on Santa's lap." "It's always fun until he calls security." " Bye, sweetie." " Mwah." "Hey, Reba." "Looks like I'll be seeing you at the solo auditions." "Oh, you're gonna come watch me?" "I'm auditioning, too, silly." "Ooh-hoo-hoo." "This is getting good." "I didn't even know you sang." "Well, I sang a little back in high school, and I don't wanna brag, but let's just say I'm great." "Well, don't you think this is gonna be a little weird, both of us going up for the same thing?" "No!" "Unh-unh." "Come on." "A little healthy competition never hurt anybody, even in church." "Right." "That's true." "I mean, if anybody understands competition, it's God." "That shalt have no other gods before me." "Somebody was feeling threatened." "* walkin' with my head high * * soaking' up the sunshine * * la-la-la-la-la, life is sweet *" "Well, that was a nice service, wasn't it, mama?" "You know, I like this church." "It's got plenty of God, and they don't beat you over the head with it." "Oh, I bet it's gonna be a beautiful Christmas Eve." " Oh, yeah." " Oh, yes." "Hey." "Wait up." "What?" "You... you just sat there." "You didn't pray." "You didn't sing." "You didn't sing, either." "Well, I didn't know the words, but I still moved my mouth and tried to look joyful." "Maybe I'm not that into church anymore." "Maybe I don't even believe in God." "Shh!" "Good lord!" "You're in his house." "Oh, it was good." "Are you ready for your tryout?" "Well, mama, to tell you the truth," "I'm a little nervous." "Well, I've got just the thing to calm your nerves..." "One of my... cookies." "I don't want one of your cookies." "What happened to the other half?" "Well, a better question is what happened to the other one and a half?" "* O come, let us adore him * * o come, let us adore him * * o come, let us adore him *" "* Christ * * the lord *" "Thank you." "Reba, that was terrific." "I have goose bumps." "Well, you know, I have done a few church solos in my time." "Last year I got to do "the little drummer boy,"" "and they're still talking about my..." "* Pa-rum-pa-pum-pums *" "You know, she came out of me singing." "Oh, Reba, that..." "That was so good." "I'm actually starting to get a little scared." "Ohh." "Thank you, Kim." "You'll do great." "You're right." "I will." " Uh, Kim?" "You're up." " Oh." "Okay." "Like watching a gopher at a gator farm." "I'm sure she's not as bad as you think." "* o come, all ye faithful * * joyful and triumphant *" "You're right." "It's worse." "* O come ye to Bethlehem *" "Well, if you're gonna come, bring your ear plugs." "* Come and beho-o-old him * * born the king of angels * * o come, let us adore him * * o come, let us adore him * * o come, let us adore him *" "Why?" "Uh, 'cause he's..." "* Christ * * the lord *" "Okay." "Give us a minute, everyone." "Kim, that was great." "Thank you." "It felt great, you know?" "I really left it all up there on the altar." "You were great, too, Reba." "Oh, thank you, Kim." "Good luck." "Come on." "Thank you." "And just remember, there are no losers." "Just winners and friends of winners." "Okay." "All right." "This was a difficult decision." "But this year's Christmas solo..." ""Silent night"... will be sung by Kim." " Well, hellfire!" " What?" "No!" "What?" "Oh, look at you, decorating' the tree..." "The tree that's supposed to celebrate the birth of a guy whose father you don't believe in." "Maybe I would believe in him if there was any proof." "There's proof all around us, June." "The proof is in the oceans." "The proof is in the tree." "The proof is in the puddin'." "Oh." "Sorry, Cash." "That's not proof." "That's just a list." "Hey, what do you think?" "Too much?" "Yeah, grandma." "That's what's put the pink garbage tree over the top." "Reba?" "What's wrong with you?" "When are you gonna admit you're mad because you were robbed of that solo?" "Mama, I am not mad." "I'm happy for Kim." "It's Christmas." "Everything's Jim dandy." "Okay." "I got news." "I got big news." "What is it?" "Okay, I went down to the church, and I found out the truth about how Kim got that solo." " I don't wanna hear anything negative." " Excuse me." "What?" "It's Christmas... the season of joy and acceptance, and I'm just gonna accept that I didn't get the solo." " Come on." "I wanna hear." "Tell me." "Tell me." " Okay, okay." "Okay." "So the whole thing is rigged." " No." " And..." "I don't believe it!" "You've got to be kidding me!" "All right!" "All right, all right, tell me." "Okay." "Every year, Kim auditions for that solo, but she never gets it." "Because when she sings, well, she sounds like a garbage disposal full of nickels." "This year, her husband gave the church building fund $50,000 but only if Kim got the solo." "Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit." "Well, that's not it, though." "Kim... she doesn't even know about it." "That's the way her husband wanted it." "Well, this is an injustice." "We can't let it stand." "What are you gonna do, Reba?" " Well, nothin'." "Kim didn't know anything about it." " Hmm." "Actually, I'm just glad to know it wasn't about my singing." "Hmm." "I can live with that." "But now I'm worried about Kim." "I hope she doesn't embarrass herself." "Okay, what is wrong with her?" "I don't know." "I tried to raise her mean, but it didn't take." "Ah." "Hello, little miss atheist." "You wanted proof of God?" "Well, I've got proof." "Here." "A plant?" "No." "Not just a plant, June." "A tiny plant." "Now how does a tiny plant turn into a big plant?" "The answer is a little thing by the name of "God."" "The answer is a little thing by the name of "photosynthesis."" "Photo..." "Okay, now you're just making stuff up." "Photosynthesis... you know, carbon dioxide and water combined with electromagnetic energy to create oxygen and glucose?" "You should've learned all this stuff in fifth grade." "Hey, I had mono." "What's with the plant?" " June thinks God's..." " Just so awesome." "I mean..." "Look at that plant." "Thumbs up." "Okay." "* deck the halls with boughs of holly * * fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la-la *" "What can I do for you, Kim?" "Well, I was over at my house practicing my solo." "And then it dawned on me." "I live next door to a seasoned veteran." "Why am I not over here asking for a little last minute private instruction?" "Well, that's an awfully nice thing to say." "Oh, my gosh." "Of course." "I mean, Reba, come on." "You've been singing for years and years and years and years." "What do you say, Reba?" "You really do have such a beautiful voice." "You wanna give me a few tips?" "Sure. "Silent night" has always been one of my favorites." " Oh, mine, too." " Okay." "I think the key to singing it is coming into the vocal with a soft and almost reverent tone." "Okay." "* Silent night * * holy night *" "Mm, no." "No." "I really wanna come at this thing like gangbusters." "You know, really go after it." "Like... * silent night * * holy night *" "Ow!" "Gimme the horns." "Kim, this isn't "sex machine."" "It's a tender Christmas song." "Okay, well, let's just move on." "How about vocal technique?" "Because there's some of these notes that just go on, like, forever." "So how do I, you know, spice those up?" "Well, you don't spice 'em up." "You sustain the note and add a little vibrato." "It gives the note resonance and extension." "Okay, well, I think the only thing that'll be extending will be the people laying down in the pews for our nap." "Do you want help with this or not?" "No, I do." "I do." "Of course I do." "Okay, so listen up, because I'm really giving you all my experience about singing." "Yeah." "Maybe that's the problem." "Meaning?" "Well, with all due respect, Reba... and I really do mean that, seriously..." "It's just, you think you know everything about music, but, you know, you did come in second." "I beg your pardon." "Actually, we don't even know if it was second, 'cause there were four other people trying out, so it could have been third or fourth, even sixth." "You know what?" "You're right, Kim." "I guess I should've done what you did..." "Get my rich husband to pay the church a big, ol', fat check and buy me that solo." "What?" "Kim, I'm..." "I'm sorry." "Nothing." "Please forget everything I said." "No." "You said it." "Is that true?" "Kim, I am so sorry." "I think we're done here." "Come on, kids." "Let's go!" "June, why aren't you dressed?" "Uh..." "I don't feel like going." " Are you sick?" " Oh, it's worse than sick, mama." "She doesn't believe in God." "I'm sorry." "I had to say something." "How am I supposed to enjoy heaven when you're in hell?" "Cash, why don't you wait in the car for me?" "I'll be there in a second." "All right." "Tread carefully." "She knows a lot about science." "June, is that true?" "You don't believe in God?" "I don't know." "Honey, it's okay." "You can tell me how you feel." "Well, I've been thinking..." "And?" "And maybe I don't..." "believe in God." "Okay." "Have you felt this way for a while, or did something happen?" "Actually, something didn't happen." "When you and dad were going through your... problem," "I prayed every night that you guys would stay together, but you didn't, so either there is no God, or he just doesn't care." "Hard to have faith either way." "Yeah, it is." "You're not mad?" "Oh, of course not, honey." "But I will say this." "I've come to believe that faith isn't something that keeps bad things from happening." "Faith is what helps us get through bad things when they do happen." "So?" "Are you making her come to church?" "No." "She has every right to believe what she wants." "What?" "Huh." "I know." "By the way, I don't believe in calculus." "Do I have to go to school?" "This is what church should be." "All kinds of people are here..." "Black people, white people," "Latino, Asian..." "Sinful show business people." "The worst person in the world people." "Oh, get off the cross, Reba." "You're stealing focus." "Geoffrey, what are you doing here?" "What?" "I love church." "Plus I wanna hear what a $50,000 solo sounds like." "Welcome, everyone." "We'd like to start tonight's service with a beautiful Christmas song." "Please welcome Kim Westlake, who will be singing "Silent night."" "Well, where is she?" "I don't know." "Uh, while we wait for Kim..." "I'm gonna go see what's up with Kim." "We're having a pancake breakfast on Saturday, and for those..." "Kim, what are you doing?" "I can't sing." "I can't sing." "Yes, you can." "No, I can't, Reba." "I open my mouth, and just nothing comes out." "Just like..." "See?" "Kim, if you can talk, you can sing." "Now I can't even talk." "Kim, you've gotta get a grip." "It was all my fault." "I should have never told you what your husband did." "It was very petty, and it freaked you out." "Now you just gotta get in there." "No!" "No, I'm too scared, I mean, I can't even remember the opening line to "Silent night."" ""Silent... night."" "Okay, what's the next part?" ""Holy night."" "What were the first two again?" "Oh, good lord." "See, Reba, it's no use." "You were right." "The only reason they picked me is because of Leslie's donation." "I mean, let's face it." "I try out for this thing every year, and every year I always fail, and it's because I'm not some great singer." "I'm just a trophy wife, you know?" "I mean, at least I was." "I know it sounds kinda stupid." "I guess I just wanted to be front and center for once, you know?" "And you can, tonight." "No, Reba, I can't." "I can't sing like you." "Yes, you can." "* Silent night * * holy night * * all is calm * * all is bright * * round yon virgin, mother and child * * holy infant, so tender and mild * * sleep in heavenly peace *" "* sleep in heavenly peace *" "*" "That's my girl." "That's my mami." "* Oh, sleep in heavenly peace *" "Gimme the horns!" "Well, thank you." "Whoo!" "Hey." "I'm glad you came to church." "Here." "I, uh, I got you this." "Oh." "Let me guess." "Is it a Bible?" "No." "It's a book on science..." "Since you're into that stuff." "Thank you, Cash." "Yeah." "I kinda looked through it." "Man, I must have had mono for a long time." "Oh, mama, everything smells fantastic." "Well, thank you, Reba." "Come on." "Dinner's served." "For those of you who don't eat ham, there are some takeout menus on the counter." "I hope you like" " my grandmother's homemade, famous pasteles." " Mmm." "Oh, that's so sweet." "How come you didn't bring her?" "Oh, she's having drinks with Santa... at a motel in the valley." "Sounds like my kinda gal." "Well, I would just like to say that the best Christmas present I could ever hope to receive is to be neighbors with all of you." "That and diamond earrings, but in that order." "Um..." "Reba, this is just a little something for you." "I gotta go have dinner with the in-laws, but I really wanna see your face when you open it." "Oh, Kim." "Oh." "It's an angel on a surfboard." "Yeah." "That's how we do Christmas in cali." "Kim, I love it." "Thank you very much." "Cash, go put it on the tree for me." "Thanks." "Okay." "Well, now I'd like to give a little speech." "As you all know, this is my favorite time of the year." "And..." "I was a little worried with all the changes in our lives, that this Christmas wouldn't be the same." "But I gotta tell ya, even though I wasn't expecting it, this has turned out to be pretty cool." "And it's because of y'all..." "My family and my two new friends." "Aw." "Merry Christmas." " Merry Christmas." " Hear, hear." "Cheers." "Kim, you can't drink." "You're pregnant." "No." "I know, I know." "Oh." "That's the stuff." "Mama, you, uh..." "You ought to see this." "Oh, my gosh." "I think we put grandma's tree too close to the fireplace." "Oh." "Wait." "Am I the only one who smells diapers?"