"So that's three of our delicious homemade cupcakes." "Nope, can't." "You touched them." "Sorry, flu season, no health care." "You realized I replaced that purell with K.Y., right?" "Max, please say you're kidding." "Of course, I'm kidding." "I can't afford lube." "I just use my tears." "Max, seriously, don't mess with my hand sanitizer." "I've already caught poverty this year and I refuse to catch the flu." "I just have to keep cleaning my hands and not touch anyone." "Caroline, I have check from table ten." "Okay, just place it right there." "That's a big tip, wow" "You know, in Indonesia, you'd be married now." "I'm gonna get sick, I know it." "You're fine." "Fine?" "Han just unloaded into my mouth." "Congratulations, you both finally got some action." "I can't afford to get sick and miss work." "I need to get some antibiotics." "You are poor now." "Poor people don't just run out and buy antibiotics." "We man up, grow a pair, stare germs in the face." "Like this French fry from that guy who couldn't stop coughing." "Max, no, no--oh!" "Mmm." "Booyah!" "And I haven't ever been sick or to a clinic." "And, no, planned parenthood doesn't count." "Well, well, well, she weebles and she wobbles, but she don't fall down." "Oh, Earl, you're so naughty and nice." "And I'll be checking you out twice." "Hey, Sophie, sit anywhere you like." "Oh, uh, let's see." "Where is lighting that will make me look most attractive?" "What am I saying?" "I look good everywhere." "I am meeting man for first time that I met online." "I wonder if he's here yet." "Well unless you've been cruising singles who don't leave enough singles, I'd say no." "You know, Max, if my date turned out to be big bust-- what, bigger than ours?" "Then you come over and say that something suddenly came up and that I have to go, okay?" "Oh, my gosh, this must be him." "You must be Sophie Kuchenski." "I'm Serguisz Bilowski." "Oh." "Wow, I love your dress, I love that!" "Something came up and you have to go." "No, no this is perfect." "Would you like to sit down?" "Just let me run to the little boys rooms first." " Okay?" " Okay." "Who is that?" "That's Sophie's new boyfriend." "I see, and where's his boyfriend?" "Hello." "Nice to see you again." "I'm wearing my velour especially for you." "And right now, it's the only thing soft about me." "Please go away before my date comes back from the men's room." "You have brought other man in here?" "Yes, I met him on Polish dating site. you didn't have to go online." "You could meet my pole any time." "No, this will never happen." "You're not my type." "Well, what is your type?" "Wow, they have those automatic hand dryers that blow you." "I love being blown like that." "Those look like two giant orange traffic cones." "Are you trying to tell me not to park there?" "This is a lady." "Show her some respect." "Sophie has new man in her life." "I am so mad I cannot see straight." "Well, I'm looking right at him and I don't see straight either." "Max, I think I'm running a slight fever." "Feel my forehead." "Look, you should have learned by now" " I don't feel anything." "Caroline, I've written down address of drug store in South Williamsburg that has a doctor on site." "Here, I will pay for it." "Unless it is cancer." "Then I'm out." "And, Max, here is check for table seven." "Booyah!" "How long is it gonna take to see a doctor?" "I'm definitely getting something" " I'm pre-sick." "I'm stage one pre-sick." "I need penicillin." "I told you before, you have to man up and not give in to this sick stuff." "I'm not like you." "I have actual things I feel." "Menachem Goldman." "Menachem Goldman." "This must be the orthodox Jewish neighborhood." "Either that or we're in ZZ Top-ville." "Max, have some respect." "Hey, I got nothing but respect." "They basically invented southern rock." "I love the Jewish people." "Whenever I felt sick before, I'd just pop over to the townhouse next door and visit Dr. Klein." "So your love was contingent on pills?" "We're not that different." "Actually, the Kleins and I were very close." "I was invited to many a passover in their home." "In fact, they called me their honorary Jew." "Rivka Shemshelewitz." "Rivka Shemshelewitz." "Well, you're no Rivka Shemshelewitz." "Mrs. Klein always said I had a bissel Jew." "You had a Jewish vacuum cleaner?" "No." "Bissel." "It's a Yiddish word." "It means little." "And this one time I had a bissel flu and she brought me chicken soup every day." "So why don't you just give Dr. Klein a call?" "I did three times and no return." "I guess he doesn't want anything to do with me anymore because of my father's financial scandal." "All those years I thought we were family." "Guess not." "I don't know, ignoring your needs and pretending you don't exist?" "Sounds like family to me." "Caroline Channing, Caroline Channing." "Finally." "Let me do the talking." "I learned a lot of Hebrew from Mrs. Klein." "These are my people." "Hello, shalom." "Very good, you wanna squeeze in a couple more before sundown?" "Wow, you're as bad as me trying to be Irish at the blarney rose for a free beer." "Yar, can I get me a cerveza?" "What can I get you ladies, besides skirts that are more appropriate?" "Sorry, I didn't know it was an orthodox neighborhood." "You know what, we could just tie our coats around our waists." "Max?" "Oh, and look at the breasts on this one." "Coat on or off?" "Make up your mind." "No, Bubala, I'm just saying, with those big breasts and that gorgeous hair it's like looking in a mirror." "It's been a few years, but trust me, under this wig and smock, spitting image of you." "Here you go, Esther Rachael." "How else do you think I landed a handsome doctor like my Anshell?" "Oh, doctor?" "Doctor?" "Doctor, if you could-- oh, oh, what is that Hebrew word for wait?" "You might wanna start peppering in some English." "Now, Chava?" "Now you're telling me you're too sick to bake." "I need 80 cupcakes." "The bar mitzvah is tomorrow." "You're dead to me!" "See you next week." " We could help." " We can?" "Yeah, give me the card." "Hi, I'm Max and my friend and I here have a cupcake business and we'd be happy to bake as many cupcakes as you need for the bar mitzvah." "I mean, you need cake, we make cake." "It's bashert." "Look, enough with the "it's a small Hebrew world after all."" "How does 250 sound?" "No way, 275." "I have to bake all morning." "It's like looking in a mirror." "They're kosher, right?" "Are they kosher?" "Look at me." "Like looking in a mirror." "Good, I'll call you with the address." "Esther Rachael, if I could talk to you husband about getting some antibiotics-- sorry, sundown." "Okay, I've got the kosher cookbook, salt, flour, sugar, new mixing bowls, and I stopped at the goodwill and got us two appropriately sad schmatas to wear for tomorrow." "Let's start." "Start?" "I'm already half done." "How could you be half done?" "You didn't have any kosher ingredients." "Oh, they'll never know, we'll just tell them they're kosher." "Oh, my God, we can't do that." "Oh, my God, we just did." "They have to be kosher." "Do you want God to smite us?" "What's he gonna do?" "Take away all my good luck and your fortune?" "You think all those things labeled low fat are low fat?" "It is just a sales gimmick." "I had a low cal ice cream bar once that popped my top Jean button." "Kosher isn't a sales gimmick." "It's thousands of years of tradition." "We have to respect that." "I don't respect anyone's tradition." "That's kind of my tradition." "Well maybe that's because you didn't grow up around a family." "Hey, I grew up with a lot of families." "The Manson family, the Jackson family, the Menendezes." "Wait, is that Menendezes or Menen-di?" "Either way, they were like brothers to me." "Max, we are doing these straight up kosher." "Fine." "But return those new bowls, I don't need them." "I can just dump the bacon bits out of this old one." "Max, please, let's just start the cupcakes over, drop them off, get me some antibiotics, come home, and put me to bed." "All right, I'll make them kosher." "I mean, it's the least you could do after you lied to that woman and let her think you were one of them." "Hey, I don't know who my father is." "I could be half Jewish." "Although it's more likely I'm half bartender who demanded my mom figure out a way to pay her tab." " Hey!" " Hello." "Serguisz and I are on way up to my apartment." "He's making me brunch." "Cornish hens splashed with my special sauce." "I love special sauce, I love that!" "Yeah, and I stopped by because I was hoping you girls might have some spare cupcakes for dessert." "Only about 40 of them." "Oh, good!" "I'll go up and get started." "Sophie, can I have you keys?" " Oh, yeah." " Cute place." "Ah, I have keychain just like this." "We are birds of a feather." "I love that!" "See, girls." "This is what I like about my new boyfriend." "He loves so many things." "And vagina ain't one of them." "Max!" "We don't know that." "Sexuality is more fluid these days." "It's okay." "He's big, big gay." "So..." "You know he's gay?" "Oh, know it?" "I prefer it." "Yeah, my ex-husband was large male bully." "Yeah, all rough sex and stains in shorts." "Now all I want is a man who will spoon me and stay soft." "But what about sex?" "Oh, no one does me better than me." "That's the last of them." "Look at us." "I think we look very nice." "Really?" "I think we look like the Olson twins." "Well hello, girls." "You look very lovely." "Mazel tov to the family." "What a mitzvah to be part of this day." "How bashert." "Oh, we're still on that ride?" "I'm sorry." "It's just, I'm so happy to be in your warm and wonderful home." "I was very close to my neighbors, the Kleins." "In fact, they called me their honorary Jew." "Stop now." "This is like when you tell Earl you're practically black." "We'll just get our money and go." "Take our money and go?" "What are we, barbarians?" "Stay and celebrate a little." "But, out here in the kitchen, away from the men." "Sit, eat, come." "Three of my favorite things to do." "Good looks and funny." "What a catch." "Hadassa, hand me a spoon." "All 100% kosher and so gorgeous you could plotz." "This one's seen some Streisand movies, yes?" "Wait until you taste my kugel." "Oh, I love kugel." "Tell me, Esther Rachael, are you ashkenzi or sephardic Jews?" "Someone's been on the Internet." "No way, this is a pasta and a dessert?" "Ooh, there he is." "My only son." "My little angel." "The bar mitzvah boy who, today, becomes a man." "Girls, this is Shmuley and his friend from next door, David." "Say hello to the girls who made the cupcakes, boys." "Both:" "Nice to meet you." "Hadassa, Devorah, enough." "Thank you, go." "Enjoy the party." "Have more kugel." "I'll go ask my husband for your money." "See, this is what I love, Max." "The family, the tradition." "The lasagna with the crazy raisins." "And those two little boys, could they have been more precious?" "Yo, yo, yo, what up cupcake bitches?" "I'm fixin' to marry me a beeyatch who bakes like this, son." "Uh, I don't know what's going on, but I'm pretty sure boys and girls aren't supposed to be socializing, right?" "Damn, sweetness, your lips are moving but your ass is doing all the talking." "Uh..." "Is that Yiddish?" "Oh, boys, there you are, come on." "Say goodbye to the cupcake ladies." "Both:" "Nice to meet you." "Did that just happen or has my fever suddenly spiked?" "That's the first time I ever saw anyone acting all pimp who still had pimples." "Yo, yo, yo!" "And they're back." "What up, Shawties?" "What's crackalackin?" "Yo, today my boy became a mans." "That's right." "Got my bar mitzvah done, son." "Preach!" "So let's get to it." "How much of my mitzvah money is it gonna take for you to pop that top and serve me up some super fine taytays?" "Dude, there is not enough money in the-- how much are we talking?" "Max!" "Yo, don't get all jealous, vanilla cone." "How about you turn around and make it pop for daddy?" "How would you like it if I told your mother right on the other side of that door how you boys were in here disrespecting us?" "How is you gonna say anything with your mouth full?" "Damn, son!" "Come in here, ma." "This way." "Don't say anything to her." "Let's just get our money and get out of here." "Max, she should know." "You wanna ruin their day and not get paid?" "Just keep it to yourself for five minutes and we're gone." "I want you to meet my mother, Hinda Fagel." "Ma, this is Max who made the kosher cupcakes." "And I'm Caroline." "What did the shicksa say?" "She said her name is Caroline." "Who cares what her name is?" "She looks like the people that stole my grandmother's good hutch." "But look at this one." "It's like looking in a mirror." "Oy, she's got a fever." "Oh, Max, oh honey, you're burning up." "Oh, no way, I don't get sick." "I get sick." "You're sick." "You'll come, you'll lie down." "Oh, I'm really fine." "We'll just get our money and head home." "Nonsense." "You'll see my husband." "The doctor." "Stop, wait, where are you taking her?" "I'm the one who gets sick." "What did she say?" "She says she wants your hutch." "You poor baby." "You have a fever of 102." "Just have to rest, Bubala." "I'm really fine." "That towel thing feels awesome." "It's a cold compress, it'll bring your fever down." "My husband should be in any minute." "Thanks." "I think it's only right to tell you," "I don't know a lot about my background, so..." "I might not be Jewish." "Please, look at you." "You could be my daughter." "I would have liked that." "Always wanted a daughter." "I always wanted a mother." "Oh, did your mother die young?" "Sadly, no." "Ooh, you need a kiss." "Oh, good your soup is ready." "Ess a bissel, tatelleh." "Bissel?" "I know bissel." "Of course you do." "You're Jewish." "Okay, I'm Jewish, what the hell." "Oh, we don't believe in hell." "We don't?" "Awesome." "Oh, thanks." "Call me Bubby." "Thanks, Bubby." "No one's ever blown on my soup before." "What's wrong with them?" "# That's my boy, that's my boy, hey, ho #" "Oh, there he go!" "That's what's up, hooker." "First of all, you just scuffed his mother's freshly-waxed floor and secondly, you may think throwing away your family traditions is cool now, but in life, bad things can happen." "And one day, when you find yourself penniless and sick, you'll need your nice Jewish family and you'll call them three times and they won't answer the phone no matter how much you need antibiotics." "Damn, boo, I stopped listening after you said freshly-waxed." "Playa!" "Max, I'm giving you some amoxicillin for you to take home." "Now take it all, even when you start feeling better." "Yes, Dr. Anshell." "Look what I brought." "Sweets for the sweets." "Ooh." "Uh, wait, wait, wait, before you eat those, remember how I said I might not be Jewish?" " Yes." " Those might not be kosher." " What are you saying?" " I'm saying they're not kosher." "What is she saying?" "Not kosher!" " What?" " Not kosher!" "Spit it out, ma!" "Spit it out!" "Just a minute, it tastes so good." " You like that?" " Stop." " You like that?" " Stop it." " You like that?" " S--that's it!" "Listen, hit me with one more dead president and you'll be six feet under with Biggie and Tupac." "You understand me, Jew-Tang Clan?" "Skinny bitch came to play!" "What kind of girl brings non-kosher cupcakes into a kosher home?" "Not me" " I'm not that kind of girl." "Yeah, hi, I think I'm that kind of girl." "Max, what are you talking about?" "I made sure every single one of those was up to a rabbi's high standard." "Yes, well, maybe my rabbi didn't have such high standards." "I'm so sorry, I burned some and we were running late and I figured, four non-kosher out of 80." "So close." "Max, I told you how important all those traditions are to a Jewish family." "Yes, you told me about tradition and family, but none of that meant anything until I felt that cold compress." "And she was nice enough to put it on my head and I felt what that feels like." "And then Bubby blew on my soup before she ate the non-kosher cupcake." "Wait, Bubby ate a non-kosher cupcake?" "It's a shanda!" "It is a shanda." "I'm hoping shanda means you're forgiven and we'll pay you anyway." "We are not taking any money." "That's right, you're not taking anything." "Except for this compress." "Feel better." "Now go, get out of my sight." "And don't wear short skirts." "Esther Rachel," "I wanna talk to you about your son" "Shmuley's behavior today." "What are you talking about?" "What did my Shmuley do?" "I'll tell you what he did." "He became a man." "That's all he did." "Right, Caroline?" "I'll say he became a man." "What are you talking about?" "Shmuley!" "Stay out of it, this is not our family." "You and I don't have a family." "They still do." "Let the police tell her about him." "So about my Shmuley." "What do you have to say?" "Mazel tov, he's a wonderful, wonderful boy." "Oh, there you are." "Shmuley, David, say goodbye to the cupcake girls." "Both:" "Nice to meet you." "Thank you." "So I see no Max." "She still out sick?" "It's her first night back." "She should be here any minute." "Did you wanna order something or wait for your boyfriend?" "Oh, see, this is sad story." "Uh, he broke off with me to date other woman." "And she had penis." "Yeah, I can't compete with that." "Hi, Earl." "There she is, my long lost love." "How you feeling, Max?" "I'm pretty good." "Hey, Bubby." "I brought you some chicken soup for taking care of me the last couple days." "I enjoyed being your Bubby." "I guess you were wrong, Max." "You and I do have family-- each other." "We're not family until we have to testify against each other in a manslaughter trial." "Here, eat this." "I don't want you to catch what I just had." "Not gonna happen, Max." "I took your advice." "I manned up." "I stared germs in the face." "That's right, when you got sick, I got balls." "Booyah!" "Like looking in a mirror."