"Previously on Krod Mandoon..." "I'm supposed to save the resistance?" "Aneka as well." "I am never gonna be the girl that you want me to be." "Don't say that." "You can change." "Have we cracked the secrets of the eye yet?" " The weapon remains inert." " You just killed my father." "Well, then I guess I won't be asking him for permission." "Too soon?" "While savage lessons learned in battle had forged Krod's combat instincts," "Nothing had prepared him for the emotional trauma of working with an ex." "Welcome all." "Krod, Aneka, how's my favorite freedom-fighting couple?" "Yeah, excellent." "Actually, we're no longer a couple." "Yeah, we're taking a short hiatus." " Yeah." " It's not a hiatus." "That's right." "We're completely broken up." " Completely." " For now." "So why don't we all just sit down and..." " I'll go outside and stand guard." " Stand guard?" "This is a resistance stronghold." "This right here, this is our turf." "We're not as safe as you think." "Wanted?" " What gives?" " Krod, I'm sorry." "It was the Myrmidons." "They told me to hang it or they'd torch the place." "Oh, right." "So you play ball." "I had to." "Right." "Yeah." "Smart." "Thank you." "So toast?" " To the resistance." " Hold it, master." " Poison." " What?" "What?" "Hugo?" "Krod, I'm sorry." "Forgive me." "It was the reward money." "It's too tempting." "You know, I have two families." "It's one of those weird situations, you know, where the one doesn't know about the other." "I'm in way over my head." "You know, please, forgive me?" "Fine, but I never want to see your face again." "Or hear your stories." "I'll tell you something else, Hugo." "You can forget about me settling my tab." "And I'm gonna find a new place to karaoke." "Okay, that was uncalled for." "Bye bye." "Okay, guys, listen up." "If we're not safe here, we're safe nowhere in town." "I say we head out to the woods and regroup." "On second thought, let's regroup here." "Sir, I believe they're ready for us." "I dread these tedious press conferences." "It's a necessary evil in the information age, sir." "True." "True." "It is remarkable to think," "I say it in there, and within a fortnight, literally hundreds of people have gotten the gist of it." "Spookey." " Well, ready me, Barnabus." " Of course, sir." "Stop." "Stop." "Stop." "Come on." "So you're gonna let me walk through like this." "For crying out loud." "Krod and Aneka, come out now, we'll let the others live!" "Refuse, and we'll torch the place!" "Which, if you're wondering, does still make good financial sense for me!" "I owe more than the place is worth!" "You think I'm bluffing?" "Ask my wife!" " She does the books!" " It's true!" " Genius." " Yeah, it's not my..." "Is that the whore from Harkouf?" "You said that was over." "And you said she was dead." "Dead?" "I didn't say she was dead." "I said she was a bit ill." "Could you take this?" "Please?" "All right, guys." " This is it." " Stop!" "Spare me and I'll save you." "What're you talking about?" "No more tricks." "Wife number two just showed up preggers, and I've got to bolt." "I've got a trap door leading to a secret tunnel." "It'll take you straight out." "Nice try, Hugo." "Let me tell you." "The circle of trust, broken." " Shattered." " We go in the store room." " There's no escape, you kill me there." " No, we will kill you." "It won't be "we." It'll probably be him." "Yeah, gladly." "That's fine." "Come on." "Follow me." "So do you think we should let the press see her?" "Rouse up a little tongue-wagging gossip." "You know how the public love to speculate on my love life." "Sire, we've just received word." "Mandoon has evaded the trap in the tavern." "Daggers!" " Announce me, Barnabus." " Oh, of course, sir." "Presenting the esteemed chancellor of the great province of Hessemeel, our dear leader," "Donald David Dongalor." "Will you shut up?" "It's really grating." "Sometimes less is more." "Tell them, Barnabus." " Less..." " Let's have a bit of hush now." "Actually, I would like to stand there." "Can you move up, please?" "I have... will you just..." "I want to stand there." "I should be standing in the middle." "So move." "I have an announcement I'd like to make." "I am doubling the bounty on Mandoon and the pagan wench to 6,000 mendoolas each dead or alive." "Yes, I know that's more than the lot of you will earn in a lifetime, but there's an old saying in Hessemeel..." "I know it's in Harkouf, probably in Hessemeel..." "That says, "fool me once..." ""shame on..." ""shame on you." ""Fool me." "You can't get fooled again."" "Okay, let's take some questions." "Yes, you in the rear with the greasy hair and the overbite." "Razmuth Fuco, Harkouf Herald." "Can you confirm the rumor that you've acquired the Eye of Galga Gremda?" "It's not the policy of this administration to comment on weapon systems." "However, feel free to speculate on how utterly awesome that would be." "Okay, let's have another question." "Yes, with the cleft palette and the disfiguring acne scars." "Olaf Orskin, Kelker Crier Dispatch." "Then you're not at all worried about the arrival of emperor Zanus' weapons inspector this afternoon?" "No, I welcome imperial encroachment on provincial authority." "Well, I see we have no further questions." "I bid you good day." "Dongalor made haste to hide his precious eye, but there was no hiding for our fugitive heroes." "With Dongalor's bounty making new enemies of old friends," "Krod knew there would be no reprieve until he was dead or until Dongalor thought he was dead." "How much arsenic again?" "Was it a pinch or a dash, 'quasto?" "It's a dash." " This is a horrible idea." " It's our only hope." " But look who we're dealing with." " I know." "I don't trust them to make coffee." "How long do you think we can survive with our lives under constant threat?" "Hours?" "Days?" "Weeks, even?" " Come on." " Okay, wait." "Everybody stop." "Stop." "Behold the tashen life suspension potion, street name, goof juice." "Ain't nothing goofy about it, Bruce." "Pay attention." "It slows your heartbeat down to nothing." "Breathing becomes so daggone shallow, you won't feel your chest move." "Now, on a positive note, to any bounty-paying chancellor, you'll appear dead, real dead." "Seriously, this is the best plan?" "Yes, I love it." "Looks like it's been there for decades." "Excellent work, Barnabus." "No, sir, the credit must go to the dedicated masons and artisans who worked tirelessly to create it." " Who you killed on my orders." " Naturally, sir." "No slips, you know." "Daggers!" "Double daggers!" "He's here!" "Barnabus, the armor." "Quickly." "Come on." "Vuet." "Vuet." "Vuet." "There we go." "Presenting emperor Zanus' beloved nephew, third in line to the throne, ninth Earl of Brainhang, imperial weapons inspector extraordinaire and master of the pan flute, let's make some noise for his royal highness," "Lord Roderick Bo-Bo-Bodickta!" "You are kidding me." "Welcome to Hessemeel, your highness." "We'll see how welcome I am after the inspection." "What's that?" "Is that armor from the battle of Fusilee Ridge?" "Itch." "Yes, indeed." "I served the crown proudly there." "Drum corps, second tambourine." "Really?" "That battle happened over a decade ago." "Just how old are you?" "What is age, really?" "Only a bone chillingly accurate measure of mortality." "Sycophant." "Thank gods you're not like that, Barnabus." "You praise me sparingly, and only when I offer up a keen insight." "Oh, very true, sir." "Very true." "Now then, shall we begin?" "Okay, here we go." "Goof juice mojitos from Bruce." "Enjoy." "What part am I supposed to enjoy?" "Potentially lethal cocktail mixed by a grossly unqualified warlock..." "Wait, wait a minute now." "What you mean "unqualified"?" "You said since my last performance evaluation, I turned it around." " Say Zez did get the potion right." " What you mean "say Zez"?" "What you want to say?" "What about being buried alive?" "What, should we enjoy that part?" "If you're so afraid of dying, there's really only one choice." "I'm willing to take it." "There you go." "But first, a toast to the resistance." " Death to oppression." " To oppression!" "No, that's the exact opposite of what I'm..." "Never mind." "See you on the other side." "So how long does this goof juice..." "Well, Dongalor, it appears your barracks came up clean." "So too the armory." "Seems the only thing you might be hiding in this rundown palace are... signs of life." "I swear, if I had to live here, I'd probably hang myself from one of your... rotted beams." "Shall I send for the rope?" "Too much." "What's in this room?" "Guest quarters." "Nothing more." "Well, hello there." "Please, rise." "I know I have." "Crass, no?" "Is this your pendant?" "Yes, yes, that's her pendant." "It's a chicken's claw, a symbol for Nigel Falfurt." "What?" "Sorry, a symbol of what?" "Nigel Falfurt." "He's an alternative balladeer." "You wouldn't know him, unless you're up on the indie scene." "I can't believe you recognize this." "Nobody does." "Well, I should." "I designed it." "Nigel's a dear friend of mine." "He is?" "Well, what's he like?" "Maybe I can introduce you to him sometime." "Yes, and maybe" "I might introduce you to my musical friend," "Yodeling Yorick Mueller." "Who?" "Yodeling Yorick Mueller." "Oh, come on." "Toboggan built for two." "Fondue fon-don't?" "Has anyone seen Greta, the avalanche song?" "No?" "Classics." " Nobody." " Sir?" "The body of Mandoon and the pagan await your inspection." "Joy." "Do excuse me for a moment." "I must just attend to an urgent matter." "Oh, no, did Yodeling Yorick suffer a stroke?" "Slip into a crevasse?" "No, there's no vapor in the mirror, sir." "That's 'cause he's not breathing." "The breath of life is gone." "I already told you that." "No, the hearts have stopped." "Skin's cold, palace gray." "They do appear dead, sir." "You know what?" "If we can just get the cash so we can go..." "Not so fast, black man." "I'm just double-checking." "Sir?" "Sir?" "Yes, I concur with Barnabus." "The death taste is upon her." " Will you be tasting Mandoon, sir?" " No, no, the death taste resides only in the female ear." " Really?" " Yes." "Go and fetch the bounty or something." "Do that." "Nobles, you strike me as gentlemen of good taste." "Tell me, are you familiar with the alpine vocal stylings of the late, great," " Yodeling Yorick Mueller?" " What?" "Shut up!" " Of course!" " Ah, finally." "He's only one of my favorite gay balladeers." "You people think everyone's gay." "It's in the subtext of all of his songs." "How about "you make my glory whole"?" "You make my glory..." "Yes, I suppose "hole" with an "h," not a "w," yes." "Well, it seems I shall have to reevaluate his entire back catalogue." "I dare say reach around randy requires further..." "Still alive." "Shocker." "Aneka?" "Oh, it is you." "Gods, I've missed this." "Sir." "It appears that Mandoon is dry humping the pagan." "I'm not dry humping." "I'm spooning." "And now I'm trying to escape." "Myrmidons!" "Kill them!" "Wait!" "Damn goof juice." "I knew this plan was a turkey." "Halt!" "Look at Mandoon." "Has he gone gimpy?" "He's gone very gimpy." "Hand me my sword, Barnabus." "This is how great men make memoir moments." "Get up, Krod." "Guards, stand back." "Leave this dog to me." "So... here we are at last." "Mano a Mandoon-o." "Two great warriors at the peak of our physical prowess." "Well, I say that." "I've actually got this blister on my foot from playing too much badminton." "I digress." "Prepare to die, Mandoon." "Okay, I don't want to see." "Stitch." "Oh, you're good, Mandoon, fierce, like a turtle, but like all living creatures," "I know your weak spot." " Master?" " Come on, Krod." "No." "No." "Don't." " Please." " Master!" "I'm wet." "Grab him!" "The goof juice..." "It should be wearing off." " Here we go." " She's my girl." "Get the sword." " Grab my hand." " Come on." "Let's go." "Daggers." "The fiend Mandoon has evaded our capture yet again." "Send a garrison after them." "Set up checkpoints, and note to self, next time, kill first, taunt later." "Dongalor, you fool." "You thought you could hide it from me, but I found the eye..." "Of a lass who's melted my heart." "Granted she's not exactly what I came here for, but she'll make a tasty little souvenir." "Souvenir?" "How dare you refer to this young lady as your possession?" "She's my possession." "I abducted her fair and square." "Look, old man, it's like I tell all my men." ""You find 'em." "I grind 'em."" "I'll send your regards to my uncle Zanus." "I must say, I find the attitude of the youth of today" " extremely disrespectful." " Extremely, sir." "Come along." "We'll go to Mumsie's." "She'll make us a nice pudding." "Perhaps it was the goof juice talking, but Aneka found herself asking only one question of her handsome savior." "Who are you?" "Your humble servant." "Dongalor's Myrmidons are in pursuit." "I must ride ahead to draw them off the scent." "Unleash an invisibility spell on your team, my pint-size warlock friend." "You know, what I can do..." "I can do a..." "Why don't we all just scootch back right now?" "Because we don't have that type of time for me to do a spell right now is what I'm saying." "Just scootch back with me." " Well, farewell, friends." " Good-bye." "I'm right here." "Looking for me, boys?" "The myrmidons were unable to find Mandoon." "Daggers!" "Quadruple the bounty and scour the land." "I want him dead!" "Well, sir, you might not need to worry, because we've just received this rather bold proposal, which, if we can execute as conceived, there won't be a single resistance fighter left here in Hessemeel." "And who presumes to know our business better than we?" "That, sir, is the interesting part." "Interesting indeed."