"It needs to breathe." "Can you tell me a little bit about how it smells?" "It smells pretty ripe." "I'm getting medium to dark notes." "I'm getting a little bit of, like, a cassis kind of smell." "Also kind of like a..." "Like a dried fruit character to it as well." "Not, I wouldn't say raisin, but more like a dried cranberry kind of thing going on there." " Grape?" " Yes." "'Cause I'm just babbling." "I generally mistrust doctors." "For instance, if the doctor tells you," ""You won't feel a thing," it's gonna hurt like hell." "If the doctor tells you, "This is gonna sting," you better look out." "If the doctor tells you," ""You're gonna feel this," get ready, it's gonna..." "It's gonna kill you." "You're gonna die." "First of all, they want you to..." "They want you to take your clothes off and give them 10 bucks." "Every time, no matter what it is you're doing." "And it's the first thing and the last thing they always get from you, is they want you to strip down and then, ultimately, give them 10 bucks." "Oh, it's the worst!" "You kidding me?" "They call you in there and then some skinny girl's going to weigh you." "Always a skinny girl is going to weigh you." "For sure." "It's going to be some Ally McBeal-looking girl who's gonna weigh you." "Oh, I enjoy it." "It's a great social event." "Plus, I'm a hypochondriac, and it makes me feel better." "I have a psychiatrist, an eye doctor, an ear, nose and throat doctor, a pulmonary specialist, an internist, a dentist..." "Did I mention podiatrist?" " Dermatologist." " Dermatologist." "Just about covers it." "And a gastroenterologist." "And a breast specialist." "Those are my doctors." "Let's open up your mouth." "Say..." "Good boy." "Okay." "Very good." "Very good!" "Got it." "I am just getting over being very, very sick." "And I know who I caught it from." "One of their nurse people came to me to get some blood, and I look at her and she immediately starts to shake." "I don't know why I do that to people, but some people, they look at me and they immediately just..." "I don't know, I'm not that scary-looking, I don't think." "I'm not really scared of needles, but I think she probably is." " You're joking, right?" " No." "Oh, I'm totally not afraid of needles." " Okay." " I thought you knew that." "No." " Okay, well." "No." " Okay." "No." " Thanks for the credit, though." " No." "When they wanna stick things in your rectum, that just flies in the face of nature." "Things are meant to come out of that and not go into it." "That's not good." "That's not good." " You think I'm afraid of needles?" " Oh, my God, move on." "...and they can't hit veins very well." "I mean, you know, I'm thinking," ""Well, you don't have a very good vein." "I don't have a very good vein?"" ""Come on, here!" "It's right there, it's bulging out." "Stick it in there!"" "Plus, you know, you sit there and you tell them all day long what it is that's the matter with you." "You know, "I'm feeling a pain right here, I'm feeling this right there,"" "and then they basically say," ""Well, you know, it could be this, this, this or this," ""but you know, go home, tell me how you feel next week."" "I think it's a waste of time." "Sitting around doing nothing is difficult for me." "I sure don't like sitting in the waiting room for two hours waiting when my appointment's at 8:00 and they don't see me till 10:00." "I understand how that can happen accidentally." "It seems to happen sometimes by design." "Here's my doctor joke." ""Doctor, Doctor, I have a sore throat."" ""Stick your face out the window with an angry face" ""and stick your tongue out."" ""Will this help my throat?"" ""No, I just don't like the neighbor next door."" "I was eating a banana and when I opened my mouth, a bee went right in my mouth." " Stung you on the tongue." " Yeah, and I..." " Swelled up." " I blew up and passed out." "He's coughing." "I don't know if he's going to make it." "Now, I..." "There have been many, many, many doctors that have told her that she's got to get her weight off." "I broke my leg, and he told me, he said," ""You will never walk again if you don't lose that weight."" "I thought, "I'll show you."" "Well, you see I'm walking fine." "I have severe dry eye, I have foot fungus," "I have chronic obstructed pulmonary disorder, my gums are receding..." "The only time I'm going to the doctor right now is my dry skin." "I never had that before." "Dry skin, can you believe it?" "I'm constipated constantly." "I don't have any chronic medical conditions." " I got arthritis, but I got to live with that." " Yeah." "Oh, what the heck!" "Who doesn't have a little touch of that?" " Oh, God, we all do." "I'm getting it now." " Right." " Especially in New England." " Yeah." " Yeah." "Yeah." " Yeah." "Yeah." "All right." "Don't choke to death." "Please." "Face-plant" "She took a face-plant" "You know, if you kick something hard enough, you find out that your..." "The little bones break." "She took a face-plant" "Like, Frisbees to the head, they definitely, like, sting for, like, you know, probably a good, like, minute or two." "But, like, everyone's, in the end, like, everyone's okay." ""Doctor, Doctor, I keep forgetting things."" ""When did this start happening?" "When did what start happening?"" "I have lots of waiter jokes, too." "Excuse me." "I mean, you'd think someone could invent an oral thermometer." "Oh, but no." "I don't mind going to the doctor, I just don't have a reason to go there." " Yeah." " Yeah." "Hey, wait a second, stick your snout in there." "Awesome." " It really comes alive!" " This is tremendous." " There's something..." " Amazing!" "There's something about the aroma that is..." " Excuse me." " Bless you!" "Thank you!" "When's the last time you told a lie?" "The last time I told a lie." "Well, let's see..." "I told a lie..." "It probably had to do with..." " Last night when we were fooling around?" " No." "Come on." "I don't lie, but I..." "If I find that something's gonna be detrimental to her mental well-being," "I'll gloss over something rather than hear the..." "Hear the noise." "Right?" "Whatever you say." " Do you have a gap here?" " Right there." "Yeah." "That's what's called a liar's gap." "They say if you got a gap right there, you lie a lot." "I don't know where they come up with that theory." "I'm like, "Okay."" " What do you think about lying?" " Lying?" "Lying down on the carpet feels so soft..." "Lying, like, if you tell a lie." "Oh." "Let's say there's a girl I like." "And she's like completely horrified by the thought of spending time with me." "So if she wants to lie about having a boyfriend or not being ready to date or she's a lesbian, that's cool, I can take that." "And I have." "More than once." "You can watch a person's eyes and the pupil'll start changing in size." "You can watch their mouth when they're speaking." "They get a little quiver, you know." "It's little nuances..." " Clenching their teeth." "...that you have to learn to look for." "You always get caught in your own little web that you weave," " when first we do start to..." " "...first we practice to deceive."" " Say the rest. "Oh, what a..." - "Oh, what a tangled web we weave."" "Correct." "Are you very good at keeping secrets?" "Oh, yeah." "Oh, yeah." "Do you trust anybody enough to tell secrets to?" "No." "No." "Never." "I know a lot of secrets." "I knew a secret about a cousin that I kept secret for maybe 15 years." " Why did you tell after 15?" " She..." "Because then, well, she died." "I have secrets about friends that I've said I will keep." "And you'll never know them nor will you, because I promised to keep a secret." "So, yes, I'm quite good and I'll go to the grave with certain pieces of information that will not improve your..." "Like, look at her right now." "She's salivating." "Have you ever killed a man?" "Killed a man?" "In anger?" "You mean deliberately with intent?" "Assassination?" "Deliberately?" "Never, never without a reason that was not normal." "Is there anything about you that no one knows?" "Nobody knows I'm bisexual." "I like to buy sex." "I was kidding." "I'm kidding." "I love being in the dark." "I don't want to know everybody's little secrets." "Do you have secrets from me?" "I can't remember if I..." "Oh, don't tell me." "Don't ask, don't tell." "I'm sorry." "I haven't..." "I've..." "I really never learned how to swim." "I learned to float, but I didn't learn how to swim." "Like, what's, like, the worst..." "What's the baddest thing you ever did?" "I think one of the worst things I ever did, but I..." "I don't have a lot of guilt about it, but I probably should, is my best friend, she's very attractive." "And so, we would be eating meals, and I would pour oil into her meals so she'd have more calories so she'd gain weight." "You added oil to her food?" "Hoping she'd gain weight and be less attractive?" " Yeah." " Wow." "I have a secret now that I haven't even told you, believe it or..." " I'm not telling you right now." " You're not pregnant?" " No, good heavens, no, I've got to lose..." " Lord have mercy." "What?" "I have nothing else to say." "Just like you've got hard-rock groupies, you got country and western groupies, you got football groupies..." "There has always been a certain element that just kind of..." "Over a uniform." "And it has been the downfall of officers." " What does animal magnetism mean?" " What do you think?" "I don't know, like, you stick animals with magnets on the refrigerator?" "It's a good question 'cause it's called "animal magnetize-'em."" " "Tism." - "Tism."" "It's attraction." "Animals..." "When animals are attracted to each other." " Oh." " Oh." "What do you know about pheromones?" "Just go ahead and sniff your girl's neck." "It's like that primal ape feeling..." "Pheromones are a major, major component for me." "I am very smell-oriented." "And the way they smell is very important to me." "I'm less sensitive to it, so it matters less." "Yeah, I mean, I've gone out with girls that are awesome," "I just didn't like the way they smelled." "No, can't do it." "I think there are vibrations that you feel." "You feel it inside and that's it." "Now I look at your blue eyes and you're, to me, very attractive." "Starts something going in my head." "I told you what would've happened if you ever laid a hand on me." "You believe that?" "Don't try too hard." "If you try too hard, it's gonna show and women can smell desperation." "And that's not a good stink to have." "Look for someone, you know, healthy, you know, not too skinny or anything like that." "Somebody that looks like she could, you know, have a good time and not get broken in half." " I like dimples." " Yeah." "And a beautiful smile." " Intense eyes." " Yeah." " Lips." " Yeah." "I think they're..." "Succulous?" " Succulent." " Succulent." "Succulent and that sort of says you're going to be a good kisser and other things..." " Oh, Michelle, you're so physical." " I'm just saying!" "I always liked a butt..." "The behind." "I..." "Yes, I think that's the first thing I notice." "Yes." "You'd have found your ass on the floor if you ever touched me." "Why?" " Because I'd punch you." "That's why." " Why?" "Because you're crude, rude and ugly." "She really feels for me, this one." "The first thing I noticed was her eyes, really." "And her facial expressions." "That's what I remember most." "She likes it when I compliment her on her looks." "She likes that." "Most women do." "Oh, I thought she was a very attractive young lady." "Oh, thank you!" "She had an interesting personality." "Little quirks." "Quirks." "That's nice for saying, "She's crazy."" " Yeah, well, you're not crazy, honey, but..." " Well, thank you, honey." "You know, when I saw Jared, I thought he was too good for me." "So I offered him my one friend, and he was like, "No, she's too horsy."" "And then I showed him a picture of another girl that he might be well-suited with and he was like, "She's not horsy enough."" "How did you two meet?" "Rag seduced me." "I asked Rag, did he hoodoo me?" "And when I hugged him, and, excuse the expression, made love to him, and then he smelled so good and everything." "I put the hoodoo on her that night." "I put the opedoh on." "And she couldn't take it." "I actually thought he was closer to my height than he really was, and then he was sitting down, and we were never standing up at exactly the same time." "I had no idea that she was so damn tall." "I like guys who are kind of dirty." "Like, bad grooming is, like, for me, it's like an invitation for me to fix someone." "I don't know if that's..." "Yeah, it's sad." "It's true, I like fixer-uppers!" "Are you currently in a relationship?" "I am currently in a relationship, and I'm serving a life sentence." " Yeah, it's rough." " Yeah." "You have a hard life." "I feel sorry." "You know, even murderers get a parole." "He loves me." "He loves me not." "He loves me." "He loves me not." "He's a wonderful kisser." "I must tell you, his..." "His lips can be really warm." " Very savory." " Savory." "Savory and saucy." " Saucy, yes." " Oh, gosh." " When do I know that Judy's romantic?" " Oh, God." "She'll push her foot on my foot." "That's the button." "I'm telling you!" "She'll give a little push up against my foot and I'm like, "All right."" "That's the..."Get ready, boys!"" "Oh, she lets me know." "She comes up to me and says she's horny." "Sometimes I just stare at him." "We haven't snuggled in a long time." " That's..." "You're a liar." " Snuggle, snuggle." "You're lying." " Am I?" " Yes." "Oh, okay." "This morning." "Yeah." "My sex drive is not something that you toy with and the excuses are, you know, what are they?" "Headaches." "You've got about 17 of them." "No, I don't even have excuses." "I just say no." "You gotta keep spice." "I'm not one of them kind of cats who's like," ""Okay, my turn, up, down, up, down, see you." No." "I keep it different." "It's never the same." "It's never the same thing." "It's never the same way, never the same place, never the same position, never the same everything." "Eventually you'll go back to that, but by the time we get back to that, well, we done went through something else already, so you forgot about that one." "So now we back on it again." "One Valentine's Day, me and my lady, we go to this swimming area." "It's just totally secluded and it was romantic." "A dog come up and licked me on my feet, it was cool." "He loves me." "He loves me not." "He loves me." "And, see, here's what you do when you get to the last one and it's "he loves me not."" "You only do half of it." "He loves me not." "He loves me!" "You're loyal to a freaking fault." "I can't get rid of you even if I wanted to." " Because you wouldn't go. 'Cause you..." " It's a nice house." "How about you tell me about your boyfriend?" "I can't answer questions about myself." " Of course." "You're the interviewer." " Yes." "Are you a Catholic or a Protestant?" "Oh, forget about it."