"Hospitals in Britain are where ill people go to die." "Here at Saint Christ's Hospital in Callow," "St Tom's Ambulance Brigade volunteers April May and Neville Murdoch slip into the accident and emergency department." " April, aren't we supposed to be at Cruft's?" " Nah, there's nothing going on there." "Just a load of dogs, innit?" "This is where the real action is." " Right, what have you got?" " Whiplash, I think." "I had a crash." "Just have a butcher's at it." "Yeah, yeah." "Open the case, Neville." "Right, whiplash." "Er..." " Soft mints?" " Very good." "Right." "You can take these orally, or as a suppository." "(WHISPERS) Doctor coming, doctor coming." "He's hurt hisself." "Yeah." " What's the matter with you?" " Broken leg." " Fell off a ladder?" " No, playing rugby." "Was you?" "Neville." " Fox's Glacier?" " No." "He's new." "What's that doing in there?" "No, Neville." "A Murray." "Broken arm, Fox's Glacier." "Broken leg, Murray." "Easy way to remember." "Foxes have arms, Murrays have legs." "You got that?" " Now, what about you?" " No, I'm just with him, but I'll have a sweet." "These are for medical use only." "Some people have got some very strange ideas." "One hundred years later, at the headquarters of the St Tom's Ambulance Brigade, a tribunal is in progress." "Now, you both know why you're here." "On Sunday, 18th December, the pair of you were assigned to attend a football match." "During the second half, a man complained of chest pains." "According to the coroner's report, the man might have survived had he been given CPR, as opposed to a Mint Crumbly." "Now, which one of you is responsible for this?" "Speak up, Neville." "Yes, I did give him the Mint Crumbly, but only because she told me to." "Mrs Hayes, why would someone with over 30 years' experience in St Tom's and a record of only four deaths prescribe a Mint Crumbly to a man who had stopped breathing?" "Well, it does seem surprising." "Can I inspect your cases, please?" "April." " Very good." " Thank you, Mrs Hayes." "Neville." " How did they get in there?" " Don't look good for him, does it?" "Well, Neville..." "I don't think I have any option but to suspend you pending further investigation." "Thank you, Mrs Hayes." " Thank you for coming in, April." " Thank you, Mrs Hayes." "That's your case, April." "There is an old saying in Britain, "Charity begins at 40. "" "These are the offices of the charity Cancer Appeal." " Cancer Appeal." " Everyone, got an important announcement." "Everyone gather round, please." "Amazing news." "I've just had a phone call from the institute." "And... they have found... a cure for cancer." "Oh, my God!" "Fantastic!" " Yes!" "Yes!" " It's what... what we've always dreamed of." " All forms?" " Yeah." " And it definitely works?" " Yeah, that's what they're saying." "Oh, Simon..." "I've just, er..." "I've just finished putting all the newsletters into envelopes." "Shall I send those off?" " Probably best to hold off on them." " Right, OK." "What shall I do with the stickers?" "Got 20,000 stickers." "Couldn't they have given us a warning?" "Well, I think they had a big breakthrough all at once." "I just heard just then." "What about the fun run?" "Saturday's fun run?" " We can still have the fun run." " Ta-dah!" "What do you think?" "They've found a cure for cancer." "Everyone, gather round." "I've got some news." "What now?" "Redundancy?" "I've just had a call." "The vaccine's not gonna work." "Too many dangerous side effects." " They're not gonna put it out." " Oh, no." "I'm sorry to have got everyone's hopes up." "If I hear any more, I'll obviously let you guys know." "I'm sorry." " You didn't throw those T-shirts out, did you?" " Of course not." "It's half past Evelyn, and in the children's ward at St Krishna's Hospital in Crackwhore, all is quiet." "Sorry, sorry, sorry." "Sorry, sorry, sorry." " (CLATTER)" " Ah!" "Where's the chuffing lights?" "Yo-ho-ho!" "It's me, Father Christmas!" "Not really." "It's me, Des Kaye!" " Who?" " Des Kaye." "What do we say when we see Des Kaye?" "Wicky..." " (COUGHING)" " Wicky woo." "Right, I've got presents for you all." "Right." "First up over here." "Wicky woo to you." "Merry Christmas to you." "OK, all the way over here." "What's Des got in his bag?" "OK." "Wicky woo, wicky woo." "Merry Christmas to you." "All the way over here." "Right." "What have we got for you?" "Oh, yes!" "Wicky woo." "Oh, no!" "I haven't got any more presents (!" ")" "Oh, no, I really haven't." "Sorry." "Right..." "We are going to play Runaround!" "Yea-ea-eah!" "Of course, I did the pilot for "Runaround" and was going to present the series, but..." "Cockney Mafia, innit?" "Yeah." "OK, so, everybody, out of your beds!" "You can... stay where you are." "Oh, yeah, you're excused." "Doesn't look good, does it?" "Chuffing 'eck, yeah." "What about you?" "Does this come out, or is it?" "It's attached, is it?" "Yeah." "Haven't really got a game, have we?" "Someone off the telly gives up their time to entertain dying kiddies, and no one cares." "You're not interested." "Guy from the local paper hasn't shown." "Three buses to get here." " (THUNDER)" " Pissing down." "Top of the morning!" "Where's me breakfast?" "Crocodile." "Sod you, then." "Wasting me time." " (BLEEPING)" " Probably needs a moment to warm up." "I'm having that." "Could you turn the light off, please?" "Oh, no." "I'm too ill." "I can't reach it (!" ")" "Did you have to do marking during the meal?" "Well, I did say, " Bring a book and get on with some private reading."" "I still had a lovely time." "Thank you." "(SHE GIGGLES)" "No, Samantha, sexual intercourse is first thing Wednesday mornings." "The Royal Variety Performance goes from strength to strength." "Nine hours of entertainment are over, and the stars are lining up to meet the Queen." " Great trick, Paul." " Thanks." " "I liked it, but not a lot."" " Steady, Duck." "I'll vanish you." " Oh, that's nice (!" ")" " Excuse me." " Who are you?" " Keith Harris and Orville." "No, I'm Keith Harris. "And Orville." Orville." "No, you must be an impostor who's been hiding backstage all week so you can meet the Queen." "I'm going to get the stage manager." "Budge up." "He's lost his place now." "You met the Queen before?" " Oh, yes." " How many times?" " Ten." " Eleven." "Met her eleven times." " Here." " Who are you?" " Keith Orville." " He's Keith Orville." " Keith Harris." " Who are you?" " I'm these people." " I'm Paul Daniels." " I'm Debbie McGee." " I'm Paul Daniels and Debbie McGee." " Step aside, sir." " I'm this man here." "Security!" "Queen don't even like Orville, anyway." "She prefers Cuddles." " Security's gonna be here in one minute." " Oh, come on!" "Out!" "I'm sorry about this." "So, H2O is the chemical symbol for what?" "Anybody?" "Neville Chamberlain... who invented the?" "Come on." "The 1066." "Everybody got that?" "Good." "So, head, thorax." "Anybody know what this part is?" "Anybody?" "Palfrey?" " Abdomen?" " No." ""The Tempest." By?" "Come on." "Who?" " William Shakespeare?" " 47%." "Come on, we did this last term." "Sit!" "At Kelsey Grammar School, Mr Cleves is busy taking the register." " Unman." " Here!" " Wittering." " Here!" "And Zigo, absent." "Come along, quickly." "Thank you." "Right, a couple of points from the headmaster." "We've got a guest coming to the school today." "He's going to give a talk in the assembly hall at 1.30." "His name is God." "He'll be talking about his life and you'll be able to ask questions." "Games has been rained off, so you are to bring some private reading to take to the study hall." " Unman." " Here!" " Wittering." " Here!" "And Zigo, absent." "Hurry up, quickly." "Come along." "Thank you." "Right, a couple of points from the headmaster." "Auditions for the Middle School production of "Tango and Cash"" "will take place at lunchtime in the music room." "The Latin exam results for the Spanish test will be posted on the wall outside the music room, too." "Our set text this term... will be "Lord of the Flies", by..." "Anybody know this?" "William Golding." "Meacher!" "And your homework this week will be to answer the following question." "What is the function of Enobarbus in Shakespeare's "Antony and Cleopatra"?" "And I want this in by Wednesday." "Meacher!" "Douglas Stirling has written his first novel and is meeting a potential publisher." "I've always wanted to write a novel, but I don't want to." "Douglas, this is one of the best manuscripts we've had in years." " Thank you." " Such a beautifully written book." "I mean, I know it's prose, but, oh, it feels like poetry." "I cried and cried when Jebediah was given his freedom." "That image of him emerging from the clay, like he's somehow of the earth." "Powerful stuff." " I think we're talking Booker shortlist." " Really?" "There was just one thing." "Just the tiniest thing that I wasn't quite sure about." "Oh, I loved the murder in the barn, by the way." " Thank you." " Where are we?" "It's just the end." "Just the very end." "(CLEARS HER THROAT)" ""Jebediah and Tom embraced." "The warmth of the sun reminded them that they were alive." ""Anyway, readers, I must go now as my mum's calling me for my tea."" "Oh, I see what you mean. "The warmth of the sun." It's quite a familiar image." "No, it was really just the last line." "Too long?" "How about, "The warmth of the sun reminded them that they were alive." "OK, bye."" "Oooh..." "You see, I think you're underselling yourself." "We've come with you on this epic journey, nearly 700 pages, and I just think you might benefit from changing that last line." "How about, " P.S., take care and have a good Christmas"?" " To be honest, darling, I think that's worse." " I've got it." ""I've got to go now, as Graham Norton is just starting." "Lots of love, Douglas."" " No." " Dougie?" "A smiley face with a couple of kisses?" "Look, I've got an idea." "Less is more." "Why not cut the last line completely?" "So it's, "The warmth of the sun reminded them that they were alive." "Yours sincerely, Douglas."" " No." "No." " Just, "Reminded them that they were alive."" " Yes." " "Yours hopefully..." "Faithfully"?" "No!" "Look, I'm sorry." "It's just not right." " I'm confused." " Books don't need to end like that." "Let me show you a book." "This is the new Salman Rushdie." "Now, let me show you the end." "Here we are." ""Smoke filled the sky and the city was at peace once again."" " That's very rude." " Douglas, you have written a masterpiece." "This could be one of the most important books of the decade." "We're not just talking awards." "We're talking best-seller as well." "We desperately want to publish this book." "But unless you change that last line, we can't." "We'd be a laughing stock, and so would you." " Douglas?" " Fine." "It's gone." "Good." "Now, about the first line..." ""Dear Mum."" "Meanwhile, at the Uncle Albert Hall, a recital is taking place." "(BEETHOVEN'S "MOONLIGHT SONATA")" ""Mezzanine"!" "(GENTLE CLASSICAL MUSIC)" "(HE STOPS PLAYING) Bit of toffee stuck." "Toffee." "(RESUMES PLAYING)" "(CHOPIN'S PRELUDE IN C MINOR)" "(SLURPING)" "(LIVELY CLASSICAL MUSIC)" "JOHN Hammond." "John Hammond." "Not Tom." "John." "On the outskirts of Trowby lies the home of the man Barry Edwards." "Barry has recently purchased an answerphone, a device that records telephone messages when the recipient is out or unavailable to take the call." "Hello." "Barry here." "Sorry I can't take your call, but please leave your message after the tone." "No, too serious." "Hello!" "Barry here!" "Sorry I can't take your call, but please leave your message after the tone!" "No, too zany." "(WHISPERS) Barry here." "I'm sorry I can't take your call at the moment." "Please leave your message after the tone." "No, too quiet." "I don't think they'll hear that." "'Allo!" "Barry here!" "Sorry I can't take your call, but please leave your message after the tone!" "No, too camp." "(ACTORLY VOICE) Hello." "Barry here." "I'm sorry I can't take your call." "Please leave your message after the tone." "No, too Sir lan McKellen." "(INDIAN ACCENT) Hello." "Barry here." "I'm sorry I can't take your call at the moment." "Please be leaving your message after the tone." "No, too Welsh." "(INCOHERENT RANTING)" "That's the one." "(BLEEP, INCOHERENTRANTING)" " Right, who's in tomorrow, then?" " Well, we kick off at nine with Paul Simon." " Then at half past, Cliff Richards." " Lovely." "Who's in at ten?" "Art Garfunkel." "Bring Art forward and put him with Paul Simon." "Oh, yeah." "Then we could have Garfunkel and Simon, as it were." "Good idea." "Moving on..." "Yes, Paul, she's very ill, yes." "In a coma, yeah." "Yeah, and, Paul, when you come, could you concentrate on Beatles stuff and early Wings?" "Nothing really from the eighties." " "Ebony and Ivory" onwards." " Yeah, "Ebony and Ivory" onwards." ""Pipes of Peace"?" "Really rather you didn't, Paul." "OK." "See you then." "Ta-ra." "Right." "Sir..." "Paul..." "McCartney... 2 to 2.15." "Have you got the number for Billy Ocean?" " Billy Ocean..." " Got it somewhere." "Popular tourist attractions in Britain include the birthplace of Dean Gaffney and the Gravel Museum in Flume." "Everyone back on the coach at quarter past five." "Alors, mesdames, messieurs, tout le monde dans le car á cinq heures et quart." "Ah, cinq heures et quart." "Ouf!" " Oooooh!" "Oh, je suis trés fatiguée." " Allez." " Oh, je reste." " Pardon." "Non, non, non." "Un moment." "Je reste." "Allez, allez." "Allez!" " Pardon." " Oooh!" "Oooh!" "Oooh!" "Oooh!" " Oooh!" "Ohhhh..." " Pardon, pardon, pardon." " Allez!" " Oh, je suis fatiguée." " Allez!" "Ah, pardon." " Je suis fatiguée." "Ooooohhhh..." "Pardon, pardon." "Non, non, non." "Ah, oui, oui, oui." "Ooohh..." "Oh, mon Dieu." "Whoo!" "Whoo!" " Pardon, pardon." " Pardon." " Vite, vite!" " Alors, tout le monde dans le car maintenant." "Everybody back on the coach now, please." " Pardon, pardon, pardon." " Vite, vite, vite, vite!" "Non, non, non, non!" "Pardon, pardon." "Oh, mon Dieu." "Oh, je suis trés fatiguée." "Oooh Oooh!" "Oooh!" "Oooh!" "Oooh!" "Oooh..." "Non, non, non, non, non!" "Je suis trés fatiguée." "Oh!" "Oh, c'est trop chaud." "Ouf!" "Drug addiction is one of the most serious challenges facing Britain today, after apple scrumping and the use of foul language." "This drug rehab centre at Smersh is expecting a royal visit." "OK, do people want to start kind of like making their way over to the chill-out area?" "Spike." "All you all right, big man?" "OK, the Prince is gonna be here around two." "Now, it's an informal visit." "He wants to see the work we do and find out about your experiences of getting off drugs." " Is this the drug rehab centre?" " Yeah." "Whoa, whoa, drugs, drugs." "Whoa, I'm on drugs." "I'm not just here to meet His Royal Highness, Prince Charles." "I am genuinely hooked on junk." "OK, take a seat." "We'll be with you in a minute." "Excuse me, druggies." "Could I?" "Dirty." "Right, we just need to work out who's doing what." "It'd be nice to have people greet the Prince." "So, maybe..." "Marina and..." "Kelly, you could do that." "Great." "We need someone to man the kitchen, offer the Prince a tea or coffee." " Tony could do that, maybe." " Do I have to?" "Spike?" "Lovely." "And, lastly, we need someone to have their photograph taken with the Prince for the press." "I understand if people don't want to do this." "Anybody?" " Chris, have your photo taken with the Prince?" " Sure." "Great." "OK, that's everything sorted." "We'll see you back here in half an hour." "Thirty minutes." " Right, what about if we do an assessment?" " Tell me what you think of this." "Be honest." "# I love you, Charles, I want you, Charles" "# Pull me, Charles, I'll push you, Charles" "# I hate you, Charles!" "I hate you, Charles!" "I hate you, Charles, in the morning!" "#" "Need a bit of work." "Thank you for coming in." "It's a great CV." "Some wonderful references." "But I'm sorry." "I don't think we can offer you the job." "Is it because I'm a Minstrel?" "Yes, Jonathan, you're still very tense." "I think I'm going to try a different tape." "Yes, this might relax you." "(SOOTHING MUSIC OFF, BLOOD-CURDLING MUSIC PLAYS)" "This is a house." "It is home to schoolteacher Edward Grant, a man who likes to take his work home with him." "(MUTTERING)" "(BOTTLE SMASHES OUTSIDE)" "(MUTTERING)" "(SHE SIGHS)" " Something the matter?" " Another letter from Mother." "Not again." "I'm fed up with this now." "What is so strange about a teacher being married to one of his pupils?" " Nothing." " I'm sorry?" " Nothing." " Nothing what?" " Nothing, sir." " That's better." "We're just like any other couple." "Are you chewing?" " No." " Into my hand." "Oh, I nearly forgot." " Happy Valentine's Day." " Pop it in my pigeon-hole." "Are you not gonna open it now?" ""My dearest, darling Edward." Well, one would probably suggest you go for one or the other." ""We've now been together for a year."" "That's wrong." "It's just been over ten months." ""I can honestly say I've never been happier." ""When you hold me in your arms, you make me feel like a complete woman." Good." ""I love you with all my... heat?" Heart!" "Handwriting!" ""Yours for ever..." Comma!" ""Samantha."" ""Six out of ten." ""See me."" "Edward, do you love me?" "If you have a question, pop your hand up." " Yes?" " Do you love me?" "Yes." "I wish you could show it sometimes." "Oh, OK." "Question one, "Do I love you?"" "Let's say the Figure A here is you and Figure B here is me." "Well, this shaded area here is love." "Right." "Let's say that this is love here." "And this is time." "This is where we first met." "This is that detention we shared together." "This is where we first kissed, in the stock cupboard." "Dropped a little here when I didn't cast you in the school play." "School trip to Calais." "Engagement." "Parents' evening." "Wedding day." "Wedding night." "And this is where we are now." "So, as you can see, as time has progressed, love has increased." "This is what I'm talking about." "You're not my teacher any more." "We're husband and wife now." "I know." "I'm..." "I'm sorry." "Look, it's Valentine's." "Why don't we go out?" "Well, I have actually arranged for us to go out for dinner." " Really?" " Yes." "Not like last time, when you took me to the school canteen?" "No, Samantha, it's the Peking Duck." "The Peking Duck." "Oh, there's no test afterwards on Chinese food?" "Of course not." "That sounds perfect." "This is exactly what I've been talking about." "You see?" "You can do it when you put your mind to it." "Samantha, would you, um..." "draw the curtains, please?" "Oh." "This is our timetable for the evening." "7pm: school coach leaves for restaurant." "And when I say 7pm, I mean 7pm." "Anyone not on the coach at that time will be left behind." "Now, the oil that I've just put on your back is new." "You may find the smell a little overpowering at first." "This is ammonia-based." "So just focus now, please, on a small boy who has been left alone on the central reservation of a motorway." "He doesn't know how he came to be there, or how he's going to find his way home, and his tears are stinging his face." "Jonathan, you DO need to relax." "Working-class people in Britain are stored in buildings like these." " (DOOR SLAMS)" " Is that you, Gary?" " Yeah." "This is Jason." "Me sister, Julie." " Hello." " All right?" " Me mum." " How d'you do?" " And this is me nan." "Hel-lo!" "(ROMANTIC MUSIC)" "I'll put the kettle on, shall I?" " Who's she?" " Me nan." "You never told me you had such a beautiful grandmother." " Have a seat." " Thanks." "I will." "So..." "Nan." "You smell nice." "What is it?" "Murray Mints." "Haven't seen you around." "Where d'you hang out?" " The day centre." " Oh." "Must check it out." "Oh, Gary, you coming to this party tonight?" "Oh, Julie's mate's having a party." "Do you fancy it?" " What d'you reckon?" "You up for it?" " Eh?" "Me?" "No, I don't think she'd want me there." "It's for the younger generation." "Yeah, I'll give it a miss." "Gary!" "Julie!" "I will not tell you again!" "Would you move that sofa bed?" " Won't be a sec." " No rush." " So, do you mind if I put some music on?" " Eh?" "OK, if you like." "(GENTLE INTRO)" "# You are the sunshine of my life" "# That's why I'll always be around" "# You are the apple of my eye... #" "Bit loud, dear." "(MUSIC OFF)" "So..." "I bet you're a woman of experience." "I've lived through two world wars." "Anyone ever told you you've got beautiful teeth?" "They're not mine." "Well, it's not gonna stay in my room for ever." "Oh, I'm starving." "I think I might order a pizza." " Maureen?" " Yes, Mum?" " Will you take me to the loo?" " I'm just making the tea, Mum." "Julie!" "Be a good girl, take Nan to the toilet." "It's OK." "I'll do it." "Up we get." "Oh, sorry." "I thought that was your elbow." "(HE LAUGHS)" "Oh, dear..." "So, did you enjoy your Valentine's night out, Samantha?" "Yes, though I didn't realise you'd be doing your marking throughout the whole meal." "I did warn you beforehand to bring a book and get on with some private reading." "Well, I still had a lovely time." "No, Samantha." "Sexual intercourse is first thing Wednesday mornings." "Once a year, schools in Britain hold sports days in order to make certain children feel inferior." "Quietly, now!" "Settle down." "Quiet and still." "We have had a lovely day, haven't we?" "(ALL) Yes." "And to give out the prizes, I want you to give a big Green Acre welcome to our special guest, who once won a gold medal at the Olympics, Mr Denver Mills." "(CHEAP STEREO PLAYS "CHARIOTS OF FIRE")" "Good morning..." "Afternoon!" "Do you have any idea who I am?" "No." "Basically, there's been a mistake." "I don't do school sports days." "When I signed with Jayne Torvill Management," "I told them, " No school sports days, no fetes and no lower-end charity events."" "I don't have a speech for infants." "I only have an after-dinner speech." "Someone at Jayne Torvill is in for the high jump." "Obviously, not the real high jump." "What I mean to say is, they are going to be sacked." "OK, so, let's just do this." ""Good evening." Well, that's wrong." ""Hope you enjoyed your meal." No meal." "At this point, I would normally improvise some humorous remarks about the puddings, but..." "Oh, erm..." "This might work." ""Could the owner of a grey Skoda parked outside" ""please buy a nicer..." No, you don't drive." "You are children!" "In 1984, I was at the Olympic Games in Los Angeles." "I won a medal." "A gold medal." "The British team were quite a crazy bunch." "Steve Cram in particular was a real prankster." "It was the last night of the Olympics and I got back to my hotel room, only to find that in my bed he'd put an enormous..." "No, I can't tell that story." "No." "No." "No." "No." " It's not meant in a dirty way." " No, no." "No." "No." "No." "Whoa!" "Any, er?" "Any... any questions at all?" "No, no, no... no questions?" "If an Olympic gold medallist came to my school, I think I'd have a question to ask him." "Erm..." "In a running race, if a winner gets a gold medal, what do you get when you come second and third?" "That's the kind of question a kid would ask." "Silver and bronze." "Ian, I know you've just been out..." "Sorry." "Now, by this time his javelin was bolt upright." " (COUGH)" " I'll just give out the prizes, shall I?" "Right." "First prize is for the three-legged race." "Don't remember that being in the Olympics." "And the winners are Peter and Rajesh from P3." "Come on, quickly!" "No photos, thank you." "That'll come back to haunt me." "Right, the next prize is for the sack race." "Jesus!" "And the winner is Gemma from P2." "I'm guessing P2 and P3 are classes, yeah?" "Quickly." "Oh, just got a terrific waft of urine there." "(JAUNTY RINGTONE)" "Jayne Torvill Management." "Right!" "Hi, Jayne." "No, it's going fine." "Keep 'em coming." "Yeah." "No, I hardly had to change the speech at all." "Yeah, it went surprisingly well." "There was something I needed to ask you..." "Hi, Jayne." "Me again." "Yeah, there was something I needed to ask." "Payment." "Do I pick up the cheque today, or do you invoice them, or?" "You've got the cheque already?" "It's actually in the office?" "OK." "Bye." "Meanwhile, in Quimby, stage hypnotist Kenny Craig has been shopping." "(CRASH)" "Oh, shit!" "I don't bloody believe it!" "I've only just had the bloody thing..." "Calm, calm." "It might be all right." "Have a look and see." " It's fine." "The other car's a mess, but..." " Excuse me." "I just saw you hit that car." " I didn't." " You're the hypnotist." " Kenny Craig." " I saw you at the Dominion." "It's usually busier." "There was football on." " You made a man think he was having a baby." " Yeah." " Great to meet you." "Keep under the spell." " Gonna leave your insurance details?" " I didn't hit the car." " I saw you." "It's against the law to leave..." "Look into my eyes." "My eyes." "Not around the eyes." "Look into my eyes." "You're under." "I did NOT - repeat NOT - hit that car." "Three, two, one, you're back in the room." " You're the hypnotist." " Kenny Craig." " I saw you at..." " Dominion, but..." "Shame." " Keep under the spell." " Who hit that car?" "It was him." " I didn't hit the car." " I just saw you." "Look into my eyes." "Not around the eyes." "Into the eyes." "You're under." " I did not hit that car." " What are you doing?" "Into my eyes." "Not around the eyes." "Into my eyes." "You're under." "I did not..." "Hold the thought." "I did NOT hit that car." "Three, two, one..." " My car!" " Look into my eyes!" "Don't look around the eyes!" " What, me?" " No, him." "Thanks." "My eyes!" "Don't look around the eyes!" "Look into my eyes!" "You're under." "I did not crash that car." "Three, two, one, you're back in the room." " Could I have your autograph, please?" " Haven't got my hypnotist hat on." "I'm shopping." "The eyes!" "Don't look around the eyes!" "Look into the eyes!" "You're under!" "I did not hit your car!" " lan..." " Why don't I get two boxes this time?" "Let's not go mad." "Ian?" "Eyes." "Don't forget the eyes." "Hold the thought." "You're under." "Stay under." "Eyes!" "Stay under." "You're under." "OK, I did not hit that car." "I'll clap my hands and none of you will remember this and you're all gonna leave." "Three, two..." "You're all gonna buy tickets to see the Kenny Craig Hypnotic Laughter Show at the Harlequin Theatre on Thursday." "Three, two, one, you're back in the room." "Oh, no, it's Friday."