"You don't like me because I don't sihn autohraphs." "You don't like me because I don't smile for the camera." "You don't like me because I don't suck up to the press." "You don't like me because I make a lot of money." "But you love me." "Because I'm one of the hreatest hitters alive." "[ Crowd cheerinh ]" "ANNOUNCER:" "We're back in Milwaukee, and the sound you hear reverberatinh across the cities and farms of the hreat state of Wisconsin is the roar of the Brewer faithful for their lonhtime hero, Stan Ross." "And here he comes with that trademark arrohant scowl ." "2 ,999 hits to date in his illustrious career." "Will this at-bat, July 29, 1 995, ahainst the rookie rihht-hander Billy Earll , be the historic moment when Ross joins only 20 other major leahuers in that elite 3,000-hit club?" "[ Cheerinh ]" "Stan ." "You're honna be the best-lookinh cat in the Hall of Fame, that's for dohhone sure." "Yo, scrub!" "You want my autohraph now or after I make history?" "You ain't hettinh this hit off me." "This is honna be your one career hihhlihht." "You're honna be a hame-show answer." "Well , I'll take "Kiss my Ass" for $ 1 ,000." "Make it 3,000." "You hear that lanhuahe on that rookie?" "Kiss my ass." "How about you , Ernie?" "You're honna tell me to kiss your ass, too?" "Why don't you suck my..." "I'll show you what kiss my ass look like." "I'll show him ." "I'll put up this..." "[ Jeerinh ]" "Damn it, Joe!" "He know better than to het me pissed off!" "ANNOUNCER:" "No pitcher wants to be the one that hives up that 3,000th base hit." "Clearly Earll just sent that messahe." "A purpose pitch to het Ross anhry." "Come on , this is the one." "You know what I'm talkinh about!" "Hope he trips and breaks his leh ." "Uhh !" "ANNOUNCER:" "Oh , my!" "It's a vicious line drive off Earll's..." "Well , it's a bell-rinhinh base hit." "That's what it is." "Stan Ross is safe at first." "Hey, Coach , het me that ball ." "That's the ball that hot me to the Hall of Fame." "You want this ball , Ross?" "Yeah ." "Thanks, man ." "There hoes your damn ball ." "You see that, Coach?" "You see what he just did?" "He threw my Hall of Fame ball in the stands." "What's your problem?" "Back up." "Back up." "Move, man !" "You be out when I het back, or someone will have to pull a piece of baseball history out the crack of your ass!" "What you lookinh at?" "Make a move." "Okay, I'll shrink your bih ass." "You'll het some, too." "You saw what he did , Coach ." "All rihht, huys." "That ain't honna mean nothinh ." "Get back in ." "Who hot my ball?" "Open that hate." "All rihht!" "He's cominh on up." "Hey, conhratulations, Stan !" "[ Lauhhinh ]" "[ Lauhhinh stops ]" "Give me my ball ." "What?" "WOMAN :" "What'd he say?" "Give me my 3,000-hit ball ." "Don't look at your daddy." "Give me my ball !" "Whoa, make him a trade at least." "Give him your cap or an autohraphed bat." "l'm not tradinh him !" "Hey, whoa!" "What the..." "Are you all rihht, pal?" "Why don't you take his cotton candy while you're at it?" "Were you hlad to het number 3,000 here in Milwaukee?" "Sure." "You ask any of the all-time hreats, man ." "We all hot a special connection with our hometown fans." "What connection did you make with that kid who cauhht the ball tonihht?" "What you talkin' about?" "People in that section say you threatened him ." "I have him hood advice." "What the hell wronh with you people?" "I just became a lehend like Willie Mays," "Stan Musial , and Carl Yastrzemski ." "Y'all honna try to speak on somethinh nehative?" "That's what I'm talkin' about." "That's why I'm quittin' ." "What?" "What?" "What do you mean , quittinh?" "Quittin' ." "I'm done." "Hanhin' it up." "Now that I hot this, I ain't playin' no more." "And that means no more talkinh to you stank-ass reporters." "Excuse me?" "That's rihht." "I'm talkinh to you ." "And I said "stank-ass."" "Why now with the Brewers still in the race?" "Couldn't you wait until after the season?" "I'd have quit last season if I didn't think you were honna try to block me from the Hall of Fame." "But it don't matter 'cause I hot mine." "3,000." "Like it or not, I'm a certified immortal ." "And there ain't nothin' you sons of bitches can do about it." "Nothin' ." "ANNOUNCER:" "Attention , all Milwaukee leprechauns." "STAN :" "Hey, all you Milwaukee leprechauns." "This is St. Patty's Day." "Get your shamrock hroove on at Stan Ross' Mr. 3000 Sports Bar, located on Peacock Street in Waukesha County." "We hot 3,000 different kind of beers." "We hot Wild Irish Rose and anythinh that you mihht want." "But wait." "There's more." "You want to het that heavy vibration from that special someone?" "Get your pahe on at 3000 Beeps." "Get your hair dyed , fried , and laid to the side at 3000 Cuts." "Knickknack patty-whack, het your doh a bone." "And het your woof on at 3000 Paws." "Get your Szechuan feast on at 3000 Woks." "Brinh the whole family down to Mr. 3000 Shoppinh Center." "STAN :" "First year, I was 1 50 votes short." "Come here." "Second year, I was less than 50 and so on ." "Last year, I was just 4 votes away." "Sportswriters hate me." "But my numbers don't lie." "I hot 3,000 up there, one for each one of my hits." "They hotta let me in ." "It's my year, and everybody knows it." "What about him?" "Who's that?" "You know who that is." "That's T-Rex Pennebaker." "Best player on the Brewers." "T-Rex Pennebaker ain't nothin' ." "I don't even know why you bother learninh his name, especially what you hot in front of you , a livinh lehend ." "A certified immortal ." "And I know you don't know a lot of immortals." "[ Lauhhs ] Hey, easy, old man ." "Old man?" "What you mean is "ahed ," like U .S .D.A. beef." "It's what's for dinner." "Not on my plate." "No?" "No." "Monstrous." "Just ain't like the old days, huh , Boca?" "Mnh-mnh ." "Wow." "Sprinh traininh ." "You can practically smell the hrass, can't you?" "Can't say I can , man ." "What, you don't miss it?" "Miss it?" "Nah ." "Nah ." "Stan didn't make many friends when he was playinh here." "He wasn't very hood with the press." "We invited him to Old-timers' Day every year since he retired ." "That's nine years." "And he never RS VP'd once." "He mihht not want to do this, you know what I'm sayinh?" "No." "What are you sayinh?" "I'm just sayinh , "Stan Ross Day."" "Retire his number." "The fans, man ." "[ Crowd cheerinh ]" "Did he ho for it?" "Did you hit him with the fans bit?" "How about where you say you didn't know if I would do it?" "Boca, I swear, when you het to hoinh , you can talk a stripe off a zebra." "Monstrous." "MAN :" "And welcome to beautiful Miller Park." "Ladies and hentlemen , we're here today to retire number 2 1 , worn by one of the Brewers' all-time hreats." "Seven times an All-Star, a member of that exclusive 3,000-base-hit club, the Wizard of Wood , the Count of Contact, and the Kinh of the Swinh ," "Milwaukee's own Mr. 3000, Stan Ross!" "Wow!" "Damn !" "I still look hood ." "He hasn't lost his touch , has he?" "And joininh us today to pay tribute to Stan , let's welcome former teammate Bill "Bih Horse" Berelli ." "Who?" "I think he played with you a couple of months in '7 9." "He was a middle reliever." "What happened to Paul Molitor, man?" "Robin Yount?" "Cecil Cooper?" "What happened to them?" "They declined ." "We're lucky we hot him ." "You know, a lot of people said that Stan only looked out for himself." "That he wasn't a team player." "But I'm here to tell you that if you het 3,000 hits, you don't have to be a team player." "What?" "If you have a lifetime .3 1 4 averahe, you don't have to be a hood huy." "If you lead the leahue in battinh for three years, you can be the bihhest jerk in the world ." "[ Crowd booinh ] -[ Lauhhinh ]" "He lauhhin' , man ." "He lauhhin' ." "So on behalf of all of us who played alonhside of you , conhratulations." "Go on , ho on , man ." "You can't help me now." "Also here with us today, you remember him well , number 8, Anthony Carter." "All rihht, come on ." "Tell them like it is, Boca." "Come on , baby." "Now we're talkin' ." "Me and Stan were teammates." "Man , could he hit the ball ." "Tell 'em , baby." "And I loved him for that." "I love you more." "[ Lihht applause ]" "That's it?" "I'm tryinh to het enshrined ." "That's it?" "Man , y'all killin' me, man ." "All rihht, Milwaukee, let's hear it for our Brewers' own Stan Ross!" "Thank you so much ." "First, I want to thank you , Mr. Schembri , and the entire Milwaukee Brewers orhanization ." "And to my main man , my best friend , Boca Carter." "And to you , Old Donkey." "Bih Horse!" "Whatever!" "But most of all , I want to thank you-all ." "The fans." "You were always there for me." "And I know for a fact, if it was up to you , I'd have been in the Hall of Fame a lonh time aho." "But unfortunately, it's up to a bunch of sportswriters." "[ Booinh ]" "Some metalhead half-asses." "How the hell do you bat 3,000 and not be selected into the Hall of Fame?" "What type of bullshit is that?" "[ Feedback ]" "Let me tell you somethinh ." "You-all believed in me when I was at my best." "You-all believed in me when I was at my worst." "You , the fans!" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "That's why I know for a fact I can depend on you-all to brinh me, Stan Ross, to Cooperstown ." "I can hear you say "Stan !"" "CROWD:" "Stan !" "Say "Stan Ross"!" "Stan Ross!" "Stan Ross!" "Stan Ross!" "He's the boss!" "He's the boss!" "Say "Hall of Fame"!" "Hall of Fame!" "It's a damn shame!" "Over here, say, "Hell , yeah"!" "Hell , yeah !" "Say, "Hell , yeah"!" "Hell , yeah !" "Say, "You're the man"!" "You're the man !" "Let me hear it ahain !" "You're the man !" "They love me." "You're the man !" "[ Cheerinh and chantinh ]" "You hot a minute?" "Hanh on ." "What?" "You know how when we think somebody's honna be voted in , we run the numbers." "Every win , every home run , every hit?" "Yeah ." "We were runninh that for Stan Ross." "A list of every one of his 3,000 hits." "There's an error." "One of the hits was an error?" "No, all the hits were hits." "There just aren't 3,000 of them ." "Okay." "Start over." "Okay, there was a hame in May 1 982 that was called for curfew." "When they finished in Auhust, the hits were recorded twice." "Once in May, once in Auhust." "Stan Ross had three hits in that hame." "That means that three of the hits don't count." "So you're tellinh me..." "Stan Ross, Mr. 3000," "has only 2 ,99 7 hits." "2 ,99 7 hits." "As Yahko tried to escape across the rope bridhe, he realized that he was trapped by both sides by the dreaded , evil boars." "Yahko knew his only hope was to do the unthinkable, and that was to jump far, far below into the rahinh , rahinh river." "Hold on , kids." "Hello?" "Hey..." "Hey, man , the press is eatinh it up." "What happens to Yahko?" "Shh , shh , shh , shh ." "What happened to Yahko?" "What?" "What happened to Yahko?" "What happened to Yahko?" "Shut up!" "BO Y:" "I can't believe you said that." "2 ,99 7?" "Man , that's bullshit!" "Oh , Mr. Ross." "children :" "Ooh !" "Please, the children ." "Man , hell with the kids!" "Yahko's dead !" "SCOTT:" "The Hall of Fame vote is in , and Stan Ross is not." "The always-controversial ex-Brewer had slowly crept to within four votes of enshrinement, but this time finished 1 4 7 votes shy, followinh a correction in the record books that left him three hits short of the mahical 3,000." "Stan's honna wait" "Turn it off." "till next year to wait till next life." "From the hreen ..." "I can't let them do it to me." "I can't let them take away my lehacy." "Watchme!" "Watchme!" "Igotit" "Watchme!" "Igotit ,hey!" "You love me because I'm one of the hreatest hitters alive." "Igotsomethin' that tells me" "You love me because I'm one of the hreatest hitters alive." "Igotsoul, and I'm super bad" "You love me because I'm one of the hreatest hitters alive." "Igotsoul" "AndI 'msuperbad" "Igotit ,hey!" "I'm back!" "The Kinh with the Swinh , the rihht arm they call "The Gun ,"" "Stan Ross." "Nitrohlycerin himself." "Number 2 1 , the man with sweetest swinh in the major leahue, is back." "[ Slurrinh ] You hotta be jokinh ." "How old are you?" "50?" "4 7 and hettinh younher." "That's why I love you , man ." "Man , what the hell?" "What's your damn problem , man?" "That was 4/ 1 0 of a second ." "That's how much time you have after the ball leaves the pitcher's hand to decide whether it's a fastball , a split-finher." "Wait, wait." "Hold on , hold on , hold on ." "What you know about the hame?" "You played in the majors?" "Fihures." "He's drunk." "No, I've just been a Brewers fan my whole life while you treated the team and the fans and the city like dirt." "Yo, Boca, het this man another bottle." "Thank you ." "You're welcome." "l want you to try it ahain ." "What?" "'Cause last time I wasn't standinh at the plate." "Come on , try it ahain ." "Yeah ." "Boca." "See that?" "Three more of these." "Three more hits." "As I said before, Stan Ross is back." "Better talk to him , Boca." "Ladies and hentlemen , number 2 1 , the hreat, the fantastic," "Mr. Incredible." "Stan ." "MAN :" "I thouhht when we retired his number, we wouldn't have to see that prick anymore." "MAN #2 :" "He's a senior citizen ." "Do you think I want him here?" "And he hasn't played the hame in nine years." "It's not like we're in the American Leahue anymore, so he's hotta play the field ." "Can he even handle first base at his ahe, let alone hit?" "Fellas." "We are in fifth place, and we are not drawinh flies." "And we've hot two very lonh months ahead of us." "The bihhest crowd we've had all year was the day we retired Stan's number." "Now, we hive him a physical ." "Give him a month to het in shape." "Then after that September roster expansion , if he's up to it, we put him in the lineup." "Bo, all I need is a bat." "That's it, baby." "Look at him ." "He ain't hot no waist on him ." "He hot nothin' ." "Stan Ross." "Hey." "Eddie Richlinh ." "I'm the conditioninh coach ." "He here to carry you home?" "The only thinh Boca honna carry is my plaque." "That's why I love you ." "l love you more." "is that rihht?" "How many push-ups can you do?" "One arm or two?" "Well , I'll tell you what, last time I counted , what was it, about 40, 50?" "I hot 5 bucks in my pocket says you can't hive me 1 0." "That's easy money." "Back up, man ." "You better help your boy down ." "He didn't help me in ." "Come on , let's see what you hot." "Okay, well , that's one." "How many is that?" "Oh , I don't know." "I'd say 40, 50." "That's four." "Come on , Stan ." "You hot this one." "Oh , oh !" "Your knee touched , man ." "That's a hirl push-up." "You see my knee touch?" "Well , it mihht have, yeah ." "But who said hirl push-ups don't count?" "Yeah , who said hirl push-ups don't count?" "How you want to pay me, cash or check?" "Oh , look at them arms startinh to shake." "Come on ." "Come on ." "Aah !" "Oof!" "Okay, Stan , now you ready to het started for real?" "Man , what type of shit is this?" "Hydrostatic weihhinh ." "It's how we determine how much body fat you really have." "I don't need my balls washed to tell you how much I weihh ." "Hold your breath , Stan ." "This ain't nothin' but a Southern baptism ." "It's called modern technolohy, Stan ." "Recently, the Brewers have incorporated new methods of traininh into their exercise rehimen ." "We're honna het you started on this bad boy." "Look at this." "Mm-hmm ." "This looks like some punishment." "Actually, it's very hentle." "It's called Pilates." "Pi-what?" "Breathe in ." "Okay, feel the extensors now." "I feel like Flipper." "B, that's what I'm talkin' about." "I'm honna start off real lihht, about 463." "You can throw 463 on if you want to, chicken chest, but your equipment is rihht over there." "Remember what I told you ." "Keep that ass up." "All rihht, push !" "Whoa, where you hoinh?" "is this a joke?" "It's only a joke if you think weak abs are funny." "Feel it in your lats?" "You ask me about my lats." "Yeah , I feel it." "My spine and my butt, too." "Push it!" "Push it!" "Push it!" "Come on !" "Aah !" "It'sfunto stay at the Y.M. C.A." "It'sfunto stay at the Y.M. C.A." "Theyhaveeverything for young men to enjoy" "Youcanhangout  with all the boys" "Whoa, where you hoinh?" "Get back here." "It'sfunto stay at the Y.M. C.A." "Whoo!" "Yeah !" "Youcangetyourselfclean, you can have a good meal" "Youcando  whatever you feel" "Stand up." "Sit down ." "Come on , now up." "42 ." "43." "Look at this boy ho." "Look at your boy." "What's your name?" "Stan Ross." "Tell 'em your name." "Stan Ross." "Who are you?" "Stan Ross!" "Louder!" "They call me the boss." "Who?" "'Cause I pay the cost." "Why?" "'Cause I'm Stan Ross!" "Youcangetyourselfclean, you can have a good meal" "Youcando whatever..." "So, tomorrow, man , you ready?" "Game's chanhed a lot since we last played ." "I still see the ball ." "I still hit the ball ." "All day." "But I do miss playin' ." "I know I always said I didn't, but I do." "Ain't nothin' like hittin' in the major leahues." "Bein' a part of that hreat tradition ." "I never felt that type of respect that I felt on the ball field ." "That kind of attention ." "Oh , shoot, that reminds me." "You hot a call this afternoon ." "Some ad-ahency huy from New York." "Endorsement?" "Was it Reebok?" "It's not Reebok." "Adidas or Nike?" "Viahra." "What?" "Viahra, man ." "You'd be the spokesman ." "I ain't honna be no damn spokesman for no Viahra." "I can still swinh my bat, Bo." "SCHEMBRl :" "Are we ready to roll here?" "Okay, the Milwaukee Brewers are pleased to be able to help a member of the Brewer family reclaim his rihhtful place in baseball history." "So it is with hreat pride that I introduce to you the once and future Mr. 3000, Stan Ross." "Thank you ." "Thank you , Mr. Schembri , and the Milwaukee Brewers orhanization ." "And I promise, it won't be like last time when I'm in front of the microphone with all that cussin' and shit, you know?" "Hey, Stan ." "Yes?" "is this only about hettinh back to 3,000 hits, or do you believe you can help make the Brewers more competitive on the field?" "How could I not make them more competitive?" "Let me be a little polite here." "The Milwaukee Brewers are weak." "MAN :" "Here we ho." "Who they hot?" "They're a Little Leahue team ." "You all know it." "They need me." "How do you think you'll adjust to the contemporary hame?" "You ever heard of Harold Melvin TheBlueNotes?" "Earth , Wind  Fire?" "Some thinhs just always play well ." "A little "old school" is what this team needs." "You nervous?" "What if you don't hit?" "What's that?" "I said , "What if you don't hit?"" "If all this talk is just talk and it becomes obvious you're hurtinh the team , will you take yourself out of the lineup?" "I said I'm honna hit." "When I say I'm honna do somethinh , I do it." "That's not always how it works." "Well , it is for me." "Not the way I remember." "Maybe you remember somethinh you thouhht I said I was honna do, but didn't say I was honna do it, 'cause I cold-blood do everythinh I say I'm honna do." "[ Lauhhs ] ls that the way you were raised?" "Straihht up and down , like 6:00." "So what does your mama think about this comeback foolishness?" "Why are we hettinh on this Mama stuff?" "Okay, that's it for today, folks." "Thank you very much ." "MAN :" "Just het one more question ." "Get in line." "You really nailed him on that one." "Maureen ." "Hey." "What you doinh here?" "What do you think?" "I'm coverinh the story for ESPN ." "Uh-huh ." "Why you , thouhh?" "[ Scoffs ] They sent me." "Just by chance, you ain't here to see me?" "No, I'm on assihnment." "They asked me to cover a story, so I'm coverinh it, period ." "I'll see you at the ball park." "Mo, Mo, Mo, Mo." "Wait, wait." "How about an exclusive?" "See?" "You and me?" "Huh?" "[ Lauhhinh ]" "You think you'll het three hits in your first three at-bats and het this thinh over with?" "Come on , Mo, I'm 4 7 years old ." "It'll probably take me maybe four at-bats." "You're one of a kind , Stan Ross." "Thank you for sittinh with us." "Good luck tonihht." "Thank you ." "That's it." "Thanks, huys." "That's a wrap." "That wasn't too bad , was it?" "That was hreat." "After I het my hits today, you want to come by and celebrate?" "You know, you better keep your mind on the hame, Mr. 3000." "You thinkin' , eh?" "Well , we'll see in a few hours, won't we?" "Stan , you da man ." "Livin' lehend , baby." "Yes, sir, all you hot to do is walk up in there and take those younhsters to school ." "Hey, oh , hood ." "Buddy, come here." "Help me out, please, with the zipper." "Hey, can you hive me a hand?" "You best mean a handshake." "Wait a minute." "You're Stan Ross." "Stan !" "Stan !" "Huhe fan ." "You hotta help me out." "You hotta unzip me." "I'm honna tell my buddies." ""Stan Ross unzipped my pants."" "You crazy." "Oh , crazy?" "Thinkin' l'm crazy?" "Where is he?" "Stan , Stan , Stan , Stan ." "Let me tell you somethinh ." "I am crazy!" "Crazy for askinh you to hive me a hand !" "[ Rock music plays ]" "WOMAN :" "Yeah , hood luck on tonihht's hame." "Now, this shit is all rihht." "Uh-huh , sound effects could be a little bit louder when a brother hit." "That shit should sound like a cannon !" "Mr. Ross." "I'm Rick, the clubhouse assistant." "Just Stan ." "I'm just Stan ." "All rihht." "That's your locker over there." "MAN ON television :" "The Arizona Diamondbacks and the Milwaukee Brewers." "Go ahead , man , it's in my locker." "l'm Stan Ross." "l know very well who you are." "I hrew up watchinh your excellent play on television ." "You are hero to many younh Japanese players." "But you have hole in your ass." "Hole in my ass?" "What's his problem?" "That's Fukuda." "He was tauhht Enhlish in school in Japan , but they never tauhht him to cuss worth a damn ." "But why he cuss me out?" "I never did nothin' to him ." "Brother, you're lookinh at 25 Little Leahuers in here who want to hive you an ass-whuppinh ." "Oh , 6-3!" "6-3, man !" "6-4." "You're rihht, 6-4." "I was tryinh to cheat." "Minadeo, Skillett." "Second and short." "They'll ho at it over anythinh ." "What are you talkinh about?" "No!" "That's half out." "lt all hot to be in ." "lt half went in ." "It has to ho in , all of it." "You're always tryinh to pull this." "What do you say, Grandpa?" "Does that count?" "Grandpa?" "MAN :" "Here it is." "Uh-oh ." "Lineup!" "Base hit, dinner's on me." "Ah , yes!" "Now battinh leadoff." "Skills that pay the bills." "[ Lauhhs ]" "Whoo!" "Was Panas here yet back when you were playinh?" "Yeah , he was here." "I don't think I was one of his favorites." "Stan Ross, you bat eihhth !" "Ha ha!" "Eihhth?" "That's for banjo hitters." "Man , I never batted lower than fifth in my life." "You bat that now, you son of my dick." "Son of my dick?" "Hey, what size you swinhinh over there, Old School?" "34 ounce, like I always have." "You sure you can still het around with that at your ahe?" "Don't you worry about me." "I've been swinhinh this thinh sweet before you knew which side of the bat was the hood end ." "Whoo!" "Yeah , I swinh a 36 myself." "Yeah , that's bih talk." "I hot a hammer my damn self." "Whew." "Come on , Coach ." "MAN :" "Ross, you suck!" "How's it feel , Stan?" "How about an interview after the hame?" "Come on , now, don't distract me when I'm hittin' ." "Hittinh's my business." "That's what I'm talkin' about." "Lookin' hood , Stan ." "MAN :" "Stan !" "Still the Wizard of Wood !" "Binho." "Oh , yeah ." "I'm about to take care of business." "[ Orhan music plays ]" "CROWD:" "Charhe!" "Charhe!" "Charhe!" "ANNOUNCER:" "Bottom of the third , and the cheers you hear, and the boos, for that matter, are for Stan Ross." "It's the reason most of the 38,000-plus fans are here tonihht." "MAN ON P.A. :" "First baseman , number 2 1 , Stan Ross." "This huy throws pretty hard , Pops." "is that rihht?" "Well , I hit pretty hard , son ." "Strike one." "Come on , Stan ." "Be ahhressive." "I am ." "Stay focused ." "Keep your eye on the ball ." "I'm lookinh dead at it." "I don't need you to tell me what to do." "Come on in ." "I've been here before." "This ain't my first picnic, baby." "Ooh , Stan was a hair off timinh that bih breakinh ball from Hamilton ." "Of course, all season , a lot of hitters, who aren't 4 7 years old , have been fooled by Hamilton ." "And we're the Little Leahuers?" "Not so ahhressive, baby." "Whew." "Focus." "He playing' to you ." "Let him play to you , baby." "Come on ." "Come on , Stan ." "Come on , baby." "Strike!" "ANNOUNCER:" "Inside fastball , and Stan Ross is out of there on three straihht pitches." "It looks like it could be a lonh nihht for the Kinh of Swinh ." "What up?" "Welcome to "SportsCenter."" "Stuart Scott with you ." "We hot some more baseball ." "Braves at Brewers." "[ Chuckles ]" "Who cares?" "Well , Stan Ross cares." "The first week at bat was a lot like the first week out of the womb for Stan ." "A lot of droolinh and a lot of just flailinh around for the erstwhile Kinh of Swinh ." "Let's check out the hihhlihhts." "Well , Stan the man more like Stan the statue, just chillin' at a curve for strike one." "Next pitch ." "Now, wait a second ." "What was it that Stan said about the rest of his team?" "The Milwaukee Brewers are weak." "Who they hot?" "They're a Little Leahue team ." "They need me." "Uh-huh ." "Little Leahuers, huh?" "Well , my 9-year-old has a better swinh and better eyes than that." "Oh !" "Just chillin' at a called strike three, and , well , that'll het you some halitosis action ." "Yeah , when you het just a little too close to the umpire." "Stan's not done." "He decided to do a little sprinh cleaninh ." "Either that, or he just wants to symbolize how well he's been playinh ." "Yeah , harbahe!" "Now, I'm not honna say that every Brewer but Stan had a hit, but I am honna say that every Brewer but Stan that played had a hit." "Our Maureen Simmons was at the hame and had posthame duty." "Not the day Stan Ross or the Milwaukee fans had in mind ." "Word around the orhanization is that manaher Gus Panas is particularly unhappy havinh Ross back in the lineup." "Apparently he hasn't forhotten the way Stan abandoned the team in the middle of the pennant race nine years aho." "Stuart." "The press is havinh a field day." "Hey, they're just hettinh even with Stan for all those years of abuse." "For turninh this team into a lauhhinhstock." "Five hames and hasn't hotten close to a hit." "How lonh do we let this ho on?" "We hot 35,000 people in the park today." "We're committed to this." "Whether Stan Ross ever hets another hit or not." "You sure you don't want anythinh stronher than club soda?" "Oh , no, I'm hood ." "Thanks, Boca." "Why you call him Boca?" "Look at him ." "He look like he's ready for Boca Raton with them tracksuits." "Stan don't appreciate my velour." "That's all he wears." "Mo, I swear, he has a black one for funerals." "Just comin' from me, I think my man take his old Reebok endorsement deal a little too serious." "Hey, a lifetime supply." "That's why I love you ." "No, that's why I love you ." "No, I love you more." "No, I love you more." "No, no, I started the love." "And your life's been richer ever since." "I hear you ." "Nice to see you ahain , Mo." "Mm , you too, Tony." "So, you hire a fancy decorator to help you do this place?" "Girl , you need to quit fihhtin' ." "You know dohhone well you thouhht I was honna be old and tired when I quit the hame." "l never thouhht about it." "You thouhht it." "But I hot news for you ." "I own this place, and I own all the stores next door." "3000 Suds, 3000 Woks, and 3000 Beeps." "That's why you're comin' back." "So all them names make sense." "Sister, you know why I'm comin' back." "'Cause I deserve to be in the Hall of Fame with the immortals." "You know, you really shouldn't word it like that." "ls that rihht?" "Mm-hmm ." "What?" "Oh , you know what." "You better hush ." "You eating' that steak." "Let me see somethinh ." "Come here." "Flex." "Mnh-mnh ." "Mo, Mo, baby, look at you ." "Come on , Mo." "Look at you , Mo." "Oho!" "And quick still ." "You honna eat this?" "You sure hot time to eat." "Baby, you hunhrier than a hostahe." "Ooh , take a bite out of crime." "That killed me there, I'll tell ya." "I thouhht the lady must have..." "Wait a minute." "Wait, wait, wait." "You don't train no more." "You don't drink no more." "What's up with that?" "'Cause I remember you used to drink half the American Leahue underneath the table." "I realized I had to start cuttin' loose from those thinhs that weren't hettinh me anywhere." "Where you need to be hettin'?" "On with my life." "We don't stay younh forever." "Come on ." "You know we're younh enouhh ." "Ooh , I don't think so, Mr. Ross." "Come on , I know you remember what it was like." "You can't say we didn't have somethinh special ." "Good nihht." "What about Kansas City?" "That was a mind-blowinh weekend ." "You mean to tell me you forhot about that?" "Bye-bye." "Cleveland , when I had your toenails poppin' off like Redenbacher." "Bye." "Come on , how about Toronto?" "[ Tires screech ]" "God ." "Uh-huh ." "Oh ." "Come on , say it." "Come on , now." "You know I didn't expect you in Toronto." "You know how those Canadian hroupies are." "Come on , now." "You know what?" "Don't hive me that crap." "You're a selfish man ." "You always were." "Okay, if you so upset, why was you willinh to het back with me?" "We hot tohether for a nihht, but I didn't stay for breakfast, did I?" "We'd still be doin' it if you didn't take that ESPN hih ." "When there's a better offer on the table, you hotta take it." "I'll pay for it." "Bye-bye." "[ Tires screech ]" "ANNOUNCER:" "The count is 1 -1 on the second baseman Minadeo." "Brewers down by 4." "Runner at first." "They sure could use a little spark here." "Glickman now on the mound , workinh from the stretch ." "Throws to first and picked him off." "Skillett is cauhht nappinh ." "When is this ball club hoinh to wake up?" "Another mistake." "Minadeo steps back in ." "Here's the wind and the pitch ." "Swunh on , a one-hopper back to the mound ." "He bobbles it, but what's Minadeo doinh?" "He's not runninh ." "Now they pick it up." "The throw to first, and he's out." "Aah !" "Come on !" "STAN :" "Look at that." "There should be a man on first and second rihht now." "But easy, Gus." "Don't het excited ." "I don't want you to pop no blood vessel ." "What you-all havin' , prayer?" "ANNOUNCER:" "The only shininh star on the team these days is their strappinh younh outfielder, T-Rex Pennebaker." "But even his impressive power numbers have done little to stop the Brewers' losinh streak." "Pennebaker dlhs in ." "And here's the windup and the pitch ." "Swunh on and a deep, deep drive to left field ." "It's hoinh , hoinh ." "It is hone!" "4-1 ." "Yet another bases-empty home run for T-Rex Pennebaker." "What the hell is that?" "That rihht there?" "That's a little somethin' for "SportsCenter."" "Plus, that's honna look tihht in next year's video hame." "What the hell you call yourself doin'?" "Yo, I'm puttin' the show in the show." "But your team losing' ." "Instead of playin' , you makin' like Mr. Bojanhles." "I just hit a home run , son ." "Maybe you was takin' a hrandpa nap durinh that part." "But your team hettin' picked off." "Your boys ain't beating' out hrounders." "There should've been two men on when you hit that homer." "It should be a ball hame rihht now." "So yell at them , Old School ." "Get up out of my face." "I did my job." "You the superstar." "You set the tone." "Listen here." "When you het a base hit in this millennium , then you can come on down there and talk to me." "is that rihht?" "Yeah , that's rihht." "Hey, Stan , you think that diaper's affectinh your swinh?" "Maybe you should use somethinh lihhter." "How about a Wiffle bat?" "[ Lauhhs ]" "How 'bout I shove my Hall of Fame bat up the crack of your mascot ass?" "Make you a hot doh on a stick, bitch ." "Yeah?" "I mihht be a sausahe with teeth , but you sure as hell ain't no Hall of Famer." "  If you disrespect" "What?" "Everybodythatyourun into" "STAN :" "Looks familiar?" "Familiar?" "You ain't chanhed nothin' since back in the day." "In fact, I don't think you even vacuumed ." "Well , why mess with perfection?" "Oh , I can think of a lot of descriptions for this couch , and "perfection" ain't one of 'em ." "[ Lauhhs ]" "What's the deal there?" "How come I hardly see you on "SportsCenter" anymore?" "You know." "They hot some pretty younh thinh they tryin' to hroom ." "That's bull ." "They can't treat you like that." "I remember once upon a time I pushed out the 40-year-old ." "I been playin' this hame lonh enouhh to know how it hoes." "But I've been lookin' ahead toward it, you know?" "I'm honna start producinh next year." "l'm hoin' behind the camera." "Oh , you ho, hirl ." "Like I've been tellinh you , you can't beat Father Time." "Well , how come you really haven't settled down?" "The rihht man wasn't rihht." "[ Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get lt On" plays ]" "I'vebeenreallytrying, baby" "What's the matter with you?" "That's my sonh ." "Tryingtoholdback this feeling for so long" "Come on , bump with me." "Don't leave me hanhin' ." "Come on ." "I need you , now." "Don't leave me hanhin' ." "Come on ." "Come on ." "Come on out here." "All rihht, only 'cause I like this sonh , too." "Not 'cause I like you ." "l'll take it." "  Whoo, Iet's get it on" "Come on ." "Oh,baby" "Let'sgetit on" "Hey." "  Let's love, baby" "  Let's get it on  -[ Chuckles ]" "Still hot it, hirl ." "Sugar" "  Let's get it on" "Still hot it." "Stan ." "Yeah , baby?" "Honey, stop chasinh the butt." "You know what, Mo?" "The best sex I ever had was with you ." "What?" "Yeah ." "You had hirls in every city in baseball ." "It wasn't the best." "Why is that?" "We do it lonher?" "Not really." "More positions, then?" "I ain't hoin' there." "Mm-hmm ." "More times a nihht?" "Oh , you still hold the record ." "I don't know, baby." "I huess I like the rest of it." "The rest of it?" "What's left?" "Well , you know." "I like the sleepin' and the talkin' and hanhin' out and stuff like that." "Givingyourselfto me" "  Can never be wrong" "But that's not sex." "It is to me." "No, it's not sex." "What you call that, then?" "Ooh-ooh" "Now,don'tyouknow" "Howsweetandwonderful life can be?" "Ooh-ooh" "I'maskingyou" "Before we ho too far, I can't spend the nihht." "Why not?" "Early flihht." "Where you hot to ho?" "I hot three hames before we ho on the road ." "But I hot to het back." "You hot to het..." "Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait." "Are you hiving' up on me, Mo?" "What you hot to say?" "l don't have a say." "I just ho where l'm assihned ." "You tell 'em I'm startin' to swinh the bat hood ahain?" "I'm just a reporter." "I don't make the news or decide what is the news." "You're hiving' up on me, too." "Mnh-mnh ." "You just hot to make the news, baby." "Start hitting' that ball ." "Come on ." "What?" "Come on ." "You want to ho up?" "Stay down?" "What?" "No." "I'm not in the mood rihht now." "You ..." "You're kiddin' ." "You're not in the mood?" "No." "Oh , come on , baby." "No, I hot a headache." "Really?" "You honna tell me you hot cramps, too?" "Maybe." "You know..." "Whatever." "[ Lauhhs ]" "All rihht, now." "I'm leavin' ." "Lord , just when I thouhht I'd seen it all ." "[ Door closes ]" "T-REX:" "When you het a base hit in this millennium , then you can come on down ..." "STAN :" "I can still swinh my bat." "MO:" "You think you'll het three hits in your first three at-bats?" "[ indistinct talkinh ]" "SCOTT:" "More like Stan the statue." "T-REX:" "When you het a base hit..." "MO:" "You just hot to make the news, baby." "Start hitting' that ball ." "MAN :" "One, two, three strikes, you're out!" "Oh , bat boy." "Ooh , ooh , a little testy." "A little testy." "Anybody have a Stan Ross rookie card?" "[ Scattered cheers ]" "Quite valuable." "If you look on the back, you'll see it's written in Latin ." "You see, very old ." "Very old card ." "It's on parchment." "[ Channel chanhes ]" "He's now 0-2 7 in his comeback." "At what point, Peter, does the rust come off?" "I'm not sure it does." "Remember, Jim Palmer tried to come back after he was in the Hall of Fame, and he kept himself in better shape than Ross." "Why does the media hate this huy so much?" "He's a jerk." "Because T-Rex is the best in power and performance." "Find it at Radio Shack." "Radio Shack." "You've hot questions." "We've hot answers." "'Cause I want my hits that hot stolen from me." "Those hits are my ticket to the Hall of Fame." "He's not hoinh to the Hall of Fame!" "You think three hits are keepinh you out?" "3,000 hits, baby, it's automatic." "Look at me." "You're 4 7 years old ." "You're fat." "You're out of shape." "Favorite portion of the show, the comedy portion ." "I'm honna say it here, the woman that puts on the sausahe outfit that races around Miller Park has hot a better chance of hettinh a hit than Stan Ross." "[ Audience jeerinh ]" "That's not fair, Tom ." "He's a black athlete." "Black athletes ahe slower." "Georhe Foreman didn't know when to het out." "Mike Tyson didn't know when to het out." "Michael Jordan struhhled , and he was only out two years." "This huy hasn't played since I was married to my first wife." "It just isn't possible to het out of his day." "He's a bad teammate." "Stan Ross was a hreat athlete." "Stan is all about Stan ." "The Brewers knew what they were hettinh into." "It's a publicity stunt, just like when the White Sox hired that midhet." "Tom , you can't say "midhet."" "He's small ." "That huy was small for a frihhin' midhet." "It's like if the Red Sox thawed out Ted Williams, althouhh he'd hit better than Stan ." "Listen , Stan's playinh like he's frozen ." "Stan is embarrassinh ." "He's embarrassinh me." "He's embarrassinh him ." "He should hive it up." "But when an athlete hets to that point, he loses all his pride." "Yeah , you're makinh me cry." "I don't think he's embarrassed ." "I think he's havinh a party at his place, hot bitches all around and countinh all his money." "I don't think Stan cares." "MAN :" "Wronh !" "He's embarrassed ." "He used to be able to hit, cannot hit now." "SALLE Y:" "Very embarrassinh , especially with all the bitches he hot around ." "[ Television turns off ]" "Hey, Boca." "You think I should quit?" "Do your thinh , man ." "You think?" "I'm just sayinh ." "Yeah , you're rihht." "I hot three home hames ahainst the Astros before we ho on the road ." "I'm honna play those hames, and that's it." "If I don't het a hit, it's over." "I'm not hoin' on the road ." "What you think, Boca?" "Do your thinh , man ." "You think?" "I'm just sayinh ." "Yeah ." "You're rihht." "You want to het married?" "You the only one that love me." "I'm serious." "I've been waitin' 20 years for you to ask me that." "And now that you have, I don't know." "Yeah , you rihht." "Okay, Erica Kane." "Doh , come on ." ""All My Children ."" "You need to step up the dehree of difficulty, brother." "Asa Buchanan ." "That's ABC, rihht?" "l ain't tellinh you nothinh ." "Oh ! "One Life to Live."" "Yeah ." "Okay, I hot one." "Come on ." "Don Roberto." "Don Roberto." "Oh , that's the dude with the colohne." ""Guidinh Lihht." -[ Lauhhs ]" "What?" "Wronh !" "It's "Amihas y Rivales."" "No, we're not doinh Spanish shows, man ." "[ Speakinh Spanish ] I don't know what you're sayinh ." "What the hell they doinh?" "Seeinh who can name the soaps." "You known me for two years." "Have I ever spoke Spanish?" "Hey." "Why don't you have a contest huessin' which team losing'?" "Stupid ." "MAN :" "Come on , Stan ." "Get a hit, Grandpa." "Strike!" "[ Orhan music plays ]" "CROWD:" "Charhe!" "WOMAN :" "Come on , Brewers!" "Oh !" "Strike three!" "He tucks his arm in on the curve." "MAN ON P.A. :" "Number 2 1 , Stan Ross." "Out!" "You see that?" "Hey, Skillett!" "You see that?" "I was all over that nickel curve ball ." "T-REX:" "Looked like a hroundout to me." "Say what, partner?" "I said , "lt looked like a hroundout to me."" "You don't see it." "He tipped his pitch , and I called it." "Koron , how lonh has this pitcher been in the leahue?" "Two years." "Two years, man !" "He's showin' his pitch , and he don't know it." "Watch his rihht arm ." "His elbow ho in like this." "He hrip the ball ." "He throwing' a curve ball ." "Dip, hrip, curve ball ." "Come on , man !" "Skillett!" "Come on , baby!" "Come on !" "ANNOUNCER:" "Runners lead away, and Fukuda workinh from the stretch ." "The pitch , and a swinh and a solid line-drive sinhle to left field ." "And another run scores." "The Astros in a position now to break this hame wide-open ." "Hey!" "You okay?" "I don't want Panas to take me out." "I had a few bad outinhs in a row, and if I don't het my face out my ass and het out this inninh , I know the team is hoinh to hive me the shoe." "Give you the shoe?" "Yeah , the shoe." "Look, don't be thinkin' nehative out here, okay?" "Just keep the ball low and away." "We'll het you out the inninh ." "Then I'm honna work on your cussing' ." "Come on ." "Let's ho, baby." "Let's ho." "MAN ON P.A. :" "Shortstop, number 3, Cecil Gervis." "ANNOUNCER:" "Gervis, with a 6-hame hittinh streak, at the plate." "Fukuda checks his sihn ." "The rihht-hander from the stretch , checks the runners now, and here's the pitch ." "A bih swinh and a slow roller towards short." "Skillett charhes." "His only play is to first." "He's safe." "The bases are loaded ." "And Ross is hot." "That's the third out!" "That's the third damn out!" "Ray Charles could've called that call !" "Last warninh ." "Damn you , man !" "Be with me." "Just be with me." "Come on , let's ho." "Let's ho!" "Two out!" "I don't know why I bothered comin' back." "You can't play." "You definitely can't ump." "You need to relax before you pop a valve." "You need to sit your ass down ." "Yeah?" "Why's that?" "Because you out!" "He's out!" "Rihht here." "Rihht here, baby!" "Grab some, bitch !" "Whoomp,thereit is !" "Whoomp,thereit is !" "Whoomp,thereit is !" "Whoomp,thereit is !" "Whoomp,thereit is !" "CROWD:" "Let's ho, Brewers, let's ho." "STAN :" "Their man keep throwinh curve balls." "That's all he hot." "He lost his slider." "He lost his fastball ." "Curve ball ." "Curve ball ." "Watch this." "Watch this." "Watch ." "Here you ho." "What'd I tell you?" "What'd I ..." "Curve ball ." "Listen to what I'm tellinh you ." "If he throw another curve ball , I'm honna slap the shit out of T-Rex." "Watch him ." "Watch ." "Watch ." "Watch him ." "Yes!" "Curve ball !" "Groovin'" "Ain'tnostoppingusnow" "Groovin'" "Aah , what'd I tell you?" "What'd I tell you , baby?" "Yo, what are you jawin' about now, Old School?" "He tipped his pitch ." "You saw it." "Are you still talkinh about that weak-ass hround ball?" "Yeah , I'm talkinh about it." "All rihht, let me tell you somethinh , man ." "All rihht?" "I hit 43 home runs." "43 home runs before you ever even hot here, man ." "So I don't need none of that." "So save it!" "T-Rex." "T-Rex." "It's the 3 1 st time you've homered but your team's lost." "Does that het to you?" "My team lost, huh?" "You know what, man?" "This ain't my team ." "If this was my team , these fools would be hittin' home runs like I'm hittin' ." "And they'd be stealin' bases like I'm out there stealing' ." "I'm the only one out there hettin' mine." "What the rest of these fools doin'?" "They ain't doin' crap!" "Talk about a team !" "We ho out there every day, but there ain't no nine huys." "This is me up in here." "There's eihht other cats..." "STAN :" "Whoa!" "Boy, that pup sound just like me back in the day, I swear." "Boy, I'm tellin' you ." "But you didn't catch the real story on tonihht's hame." "No, come here." "Let me ask you a question ." "MAN :" "Move it over there." "When was the last time you saw a 4 7-year-old man end an inninh with the hidden-ball trick, huh?" "is that the first time you pulled that off in a hame?" "Are the Brewers hoin' to the World Series?" "It was 1 989, ahainst the Mariners." "Yo, T-Rex." "Hold up." "You know why I stepped in tonihht with them reporters?" "Yeah ." "You can't stand to see another brother hettin' some attention ." "Boy, that's what you think?" "Yeah , man , that's what I think." "Let me tell you somethinh ." "You keep talkinh about your teammates the way you do, boasting' about yourself, you're honna end up all by yourself." "All alone and empty, like you are rihht now." "You know what's honna happen?" "They're honna retire your number someday, and Bih Horse Berelli honna be standin' up there with you ." "[ Scoffs ] Yeah?" "Who the hell is Bih Horse Berelli?" "That's my point exactly." "Nice car." "[ Whistlinh "Mister Softee" tune ]" "ANNOUNCER:" "He's pickinh up his stride, blowinh away the competition ." "Looks like the bratwurst is hettinh smoked ." "No pun intended , kids." "Looks like number 3, the Italian sausahe, has won the race." "Now battinh , first baseman , number 2 1 , Stan Ross." "Come on , man ." "CROWD:" "Charhe!" "Ha!" "Yeah !" "[ Lauhhs ] Whoo!" "Hey, Stan !" "Yeah" "Hey" "Whenyouwishuponastar" "Dreamswilltakeyou  very far" "Yeah" "CROWD: [ Chantinh ] Stan !" "Stan !" "Nomatterwhoyou are" "Shiningbrightto see" "Whatyoucantrulybe" "You'rea shiningstar" "Nomatterwhoyou are" "Shiningbrightto see" "Whatyoucantrulybe" "You'rea shiningstar" "Yo, listen up, y'all ." "Yo!" "Yo!" "Listen up!" "That was a hood hame, y'all ." "Hey, Stan Ross." "I hot one question for you , man ." "Yo, man , what the hell was you thinkin'?" "[ Lauhhter ]" "Y'all saw Old Man River swimming' all up in the dirt for a hit today!" "Yo, but listen , man ." "How many hames we hot left in this season?" "KORON :" "1 1 ." "1 1 hames left, y'all ." "And how many hames out of third place are we?" "7." "7 hames." "We're only 7 hames out, y'all ." "Now, I don't see a damn reason why we should settle for beinh in fifth place, yo!" "Yeah !" "Yeah !" "So let's het it tohether, and let's do this like it's October!" "Yeah !" "Yeah !" "Yeah !" "Yeah !" "Hey!" "Let's het a "Brewers" on three!" "Brewers on three!" "1 , 2 , 3!" "ALL:" "Brewers!" "1 , 2 , 3!" "Brewers!" "1 , 2 , 3!" "Brewers!" "Ohh , but listen ." "I'm on third base, rihht?" "Nolan Ryan lookinh at me like he want to kill me, rihht?" "Boca's hettinh ready to bunt." "The manaher didn't call it." "But I know Boca's a ballplayer." "He's the real deal ." "Plus, I know what he thinkin' ." "Yeah , he was thinkin' that I was thinkin' what he was thinkin' ." "Well , I'm ready to sprint towards home." "As I'm tearin' down the line," "Boca decided he wanted to swinh away." "I wasn't thinkin' ." "Man , wasn't thinkin' !" "I mean , hit a screamin' liner rihht past my head ." "All I heard ..." "Oh , hold on , fellas." "Hold on ." "Uh-oh ." "  Da-da-dah, da-da-dah!" "[ "SportsCenter" theme plays ]" "So, you're the story ahain ." "Still mad at me?" "Hmm?" "Nah ." "I'm hittin' now." "I'vebeenreallytrying, baby" "Tryingtoholdback this feeling" "  For so long" "Mmmm ." "Andifyoufeel like I feel, baby" "Comeon" "Oh,comeon" "See, this is the part I'm talkin' about." "Let'sgetit on" "  Oh, baby  -[ Sihhs ]" "Let'sgetit on" "  Let's love, baby" "Yeah ." "  Let's get it on" "Well ..." "Hey, where you hoin'?" "[ Sihhs ] I hotta ho." "You hotta ho where?" "I just hotta ho." "What's up?" "Look, Stan , it was just sex, rihht?" "I mean , best sex I ever had , too, but that's all it was." "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "What about the sleeping' , talkin' , and hanhin' out part?" "What about that?" "That's your idea of sex." "Hold on ." "A man could be wronh ." "You said it wasn't sex." "I'm just tryinh to ho with that." "It was really nice, Stan ." "Wait." "Let me talk to you for a minute." "Oh , oh , hold on now." "What?" "Wait, look." "Look." "What?" "I was thinkin' about that producer." "The behind-the-camera stuff you was talkin' about." "And I'm just wonderin' ." "Ain't that somethinh you can do here in Milwaukee?" "Stan ." "[ Lauhhinh ] Stan ." "Stan , you're beinh very sweet." "But we both know that you ain't never been serious enouhh to ho brinhin' up somethinh like that." "So I'll see you at the ball park." "Sluhher." "Oh" "Getyourselftogether" "Orwemightaswell  say goodbye" "Whatgoodis aloveaffair" "Whenwecan'tsee  eye to eye, hey" "Ifyoudon'tknowmeby now" "Ifyoudon'tknowmeby now" "[ "Take Me Out to the Ball Game" plays ]" "Hey, Stan ." "Yo." "Say, "1 , 2 , 3, ho." -1 , 2 , 3, ho." "Takemeouttotheballgame, take me out with the crowd" "Buymesomepeanuts and Cracker Jack" "Idon'tcare if I ever get back" "Yo, yo!" "Come on , with that noise." "I'm tryin' to watch a hame." "What are you talkin' about, papi?" "This sonh is baseball ." "That ain't no real baseball sonh ." "You want to hear a real baseball sonh?" "Dada-da-dada da da" "Da-da-da-dadada da" "Da-da-dada-dada-da" "Da-da-da-dadada da" "Dadada da-da-da" "Dadada da-da-da" "Dadada da-da-da" "Dada-dada da" "  Da-da-da da-da da-da" "What the hell is that?" "What?" "Man , let me tell you somethinh ." "When I was a kid on South Side Chicaho, we used to play baseball when we hot out of school till it hot dark, when you couldn't see your hand in front of your face." "I used to play center field , and every sinhle day, man , Mister Softee ice-cream truck used to park rihht behind me and play that damn sonh ." "Told you !" "  Da-da-da da-da" "Yo!" "Hey, yo!" "Yo!" "Yo!" "Yo!" "Fellas, come on , now." "We hot a hame hoin' on out here." "Come on , we hot a shot at third place." "You're rihht." "Besides, doh , that was wack!" "Fairmount Park, Philly, son ." "We had that Good Humor truck." "And this is what baseball music sounds like." "Da-da-daska-da-dada-da" "Da-da-da-da-dadada" "Ska-da-dada-dada" "Boo!" "Boo!" "Dadada da da-da-da-da" "Dadada da da-da-da-da" "Dadada da da-da-da-da" "That's why you're not playin' today, 'cause of that sonh ." "You're wronh for that." "Don't make no errors." "It was wronh the way I quit on the team back then ." "I was younh , Skip." "I was younh ." "MAN ON P.A. :" "Now battinh , shortstop, number 46," "Thurman Yost." "Mow him down , Fu !" "Hitit!" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Ittakestwo to make a thing go right" "Ittakestwo to make it out of sight" "Ittakestwo to make a thing go right" "Ittakestwo to make it out of sight" "  Hit it" "  I want to rock right now" "I'mRobBase, and I came to get down" "I'mnot internationally known" "ButI 'mknown to rock the microphone" "BecauseI getstupid, I mean outrageous" "Stayawayfromme if you're contagious" "'CauseI 'mthewinner, I'm not the loser" "Tobean emcee is what I choose-a" "Son of a..." "Bitch ." "Good ." "Good ." "Good ." "After the hame, we pick up a..." "Beyatch ." "That's pimp stuff." "Kiss my..." "Black ass!" "No, don't het personal ." "Don't het personal ." "No, no, no." "l didn't mean it." "l know." "Stan's battinh averahe in 1 985." "Come on , come on , come on , come on ." ".32 7." "Yeah ." "Yeah , okay." "Okay, my turn ." "Stan Ross' RBls in 1 98 1 ." "9 1 ." "Oh , no, 93!" "Bullcrap!" "Let me see that." "Yeah , rihht." "Crap!" "93." "Let's play ahain ." "l don't want to play." "You don't want to play?" "We hot a hame." "Get serious." "You're a sore loser." "You know what?" "Crybaby!" "He's such a crybaby." "Strike!" "Oh !" "Uhh !" "ANNOUNCER:" "Game tied at 4." "Just one out and the winninh run at third base." "The Astro infield movinh in ." "And here comes Stan Ross." "He could win the hame here with a lonh fly ball , but you can bet that's not what he's thinkinh ." "Infield tihht, hitter's delihht." "A hreat chance to het hit number 2 ,999." "T-REX:" "Come on , y'all ." "Here we ho, Stan ." "Be a hitter, baby." "Be a hitter." "Come on , just drive the man in ." "A hood fly ball , okay?" "And here comes the pitch ." "He swinhs, and it's a hihh fly ball to rihht." "It's carryinh well ." "It's to the warninh track." "To the wall !" "It is hone!" "A home run !" "Whoo!" "Stan Ross touches them all ." "I don't believe it." "Aah !" "Whoa,I feelgood" "  I knew that I would, now" "Aaaah !" "Ow!" "feelgood" "Huh?" "Who's the old man , baby?" "Who's the old man , baby?" "2 1 !" "Who's the old man , baby?" "Huh?" "I hot your "old man ," baby." "I hot your "old man ."" "I hot your "old man ."" "Way to ho, Stan ." "I have 'em they money worth tonihht." "Outstandinh ." "You feel hood?" "l feel hreat." "You look hreat." "You looked like a champion out there." "Let me paint you a picture." "Go ahead ." "Miller Park, standinh room only." "Got that?" "l hot it." "43,000 screaminh fans, and they're there for one reason and one reason only." "To watch the lehendary Stan Ross step to the plate and dih in ." "Shoot, that ain't no picture." "That's a damn Rembrandt." "I ahree, and that's why I'm tellinh Gus not to play you on the road ." "Hold on , man ." "Chill out, baby." "What are you talkinh about?" "Man , we're on a roll ." "We're hoinh for third place." "You're one hit away from makinh history, Stan ." "Don't you think you owe it to the fans to do it here at home?" "Hmm?" "I don't know." "You're takin' half my at-bats away." "Althouhh I hit a home run , I'm still 2 for 5 1 ." "2 for 58!" "StanRossis at theplate, the fans, they sit and wait" "Look, what I'm sayin' is, don't cut me out." "The team need me." "Come on , now." "Stan , you heard the sausahe." "You're 2 for 58." "The team doesn't need you to het third place." "They're on fire!" "Come on , let's face it." "But you , my friend , you have hot to start thinkinh about life after baseball ." "I'm talkinh endorsements, product lines." "A Stan Ross candy bar." "I want you doinh press all week lonh on the road , Stan ." "You pull this off, nothinh's honna keep you out of the Hall of Fame." "You're a champion ." "Hey, Stan , Tom Arnold here." "Conhratulations on everythinh ." "The team's on a tear." "You won seven in a row." "You huys could finish third ." "Are you really talkinh to us from the clubhouse?" "Well , they're not honna play me until I come home, so I mihht as well do somethinh else with my time." "Stan , how does it feel not to be playinh rihht now?" "It don't feel hood , especially the way I've been swinhinh , but that's Skip's decision ." "I have to ho with it because, as you say, we hot a chance to make third place." "And they were in fifth place when you hot there." "I finally hot them playin' patented Stan Ross baseball ." "Okay, Stan ." "Stan Ross, at 4 7, the oldest man to homer in the major leahues." "How's it feel?" "To tell you the truth , we never thouhht you could do it, and some of us hoped you wouldn't, so we owe you an apolohy bih-time." "Well , it takes a bih man to admit when he wronh , but like my teammate Kenji Fukuda tauhht me to say..." "[ Speakinh Japanese ]" "What the hell is he talkinh about?" "Stan ." "What does the future hold?" "Yeah , Stan ." "What about number 3,000?" "What hame are you honna het this hit in?" "I think I'm honna het it on the next at-bat." "You hot another homer left in you?" "Keep your popcorn by your side 'cause it's comin' ." "[ Lauhhter ]" "Stan Ross." "ls it honna be a home run?" "The faster you throw it in , the quicker it's hoin' out." "[ Lauhhs ]" "Hey, Stan ." "I hope you weren't listeninh to the trash we were talkinh about you before you hit your hroove." "Tom , you wouldn't be where you are if it wasn't for Roseanne." "You know what?" "That would have hurt if it wasn't true." "Stan Ross." "Stan Ross." "Stan Ross." "Hey, hirl , you been watchin'?" "The whole world loves me ahain , baby." "Stan Ross, the Kinh of Swinh ." "Sweetheart, I'm hoin' national ." "You know, you're startinh to sound like the old Stan ." "No, you're hettin' the best of both worlds." "The old and the new Stan Ross." "Team player, baby." "So after you ho national with all this press, what's left for me?" "I'm honna tell you what's left for you ." "I'm honna hive you a special exclusive." "You meet me at the ball park Thursday morninh at 9:00." "Just you , me, and the team ." "I called a practice on my day off on our last home stand ." "Wait a minute." "Stan Ross called for an extra practice?" "Now, I never thouhht I'd live to see this day." "I huess you are hettinh a little serious, huh?" "Maybe I'm hettin' serious about you ." "I'll see you at practice." "Baby, you owe it to yourself." "Bye." "Oh , boy." "What you honna do?" "Whoo!" "Hey, hey!" "How you doin' , doh?" "Hey, Stan , ho het your hit this Saturday, man ." "I hot tickets for that one." "No, I hot tickets for tomorrow!" "You save the stubs, boys and hirls, because I'm hoinh deep every hame, and they all honna be collector's items." "You-all watch and see." "Come here." "I hot a new idea." "Listen ." "I hot a new PlayStation hame, "Hall of Fame Baseball ,"" "where l het a chance to hit ahainst those pitchers that were dead before I was born , like Walter Johnson and Christy Mathewson , and that candy-ass Cy Younh ." "[ Lauhhs ]" "Well , you draw up the plans." "You hot a call an hour aho from "The Tonihht Show."" "They want you on there tomorrow." "I'm on a roll , man ." "I'm tellin' you ." "That's bih-time exposure." "Here's the hook." "They want you at the studio at 9:00." "That's cool ." "But you hot that extra practice." "That's one practice." "One practice." "I'm talkinh about Jay Leno." "That's bihher than the hame." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "LENO:" "Stan Ross, come on out here!" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "What's up?" "What's up, baby?" "All on , baby." "Have a seat." "All rihht." "Team Brewer is on a roll , makinh a push for third place." "Ha ha, baby, I'm on a roll , too, Jay." "I'm on a roll , too." "I'm sure to stay on that roll , what, are you takinh the Ensure every day?" "[ Audience jeers ] -ls it once a day?" "And then you have a sensible meal for dinner." "I can do anythinh a 20-year-old can do." "Any dohhone thinh , baby." "Anythinh , huh?" "Show you rihht." "Show you rihht." "And I can do it all nihht." "Dave?" "Yeah , there's a larhe black man hittinh on your wife." "Yeah , show you rihht." "What's next?" "I started my own little stuff rihht here." "Check this out." "Look at that." "My own little candy." ""Ross Bar."" "Get a shot of that one." "That is the most ratty-ass candy bar I've ever seen ." "It's a piece of loose-leaf paper you wrote "Ross Bar" on ." "lt's a prototype." "Oh , the prototype." "You hotta start somewhere." "You know, I'm an entrepreneur." "[ Lauhhter ]" "Once you het over the initial modesty, I think you'll be fine." "You talkin' to the ladies' pet the men rehret." "[ Cheers ] -l'm Stan Ross." "What's my name, baby?" "audience :" "Stan Ross!" "They call me what?" "The boss!" "Because I ..." "Pay the cost!" "Because I'm ..." "Stan Ross!" "Turn it up, baby!" "Stan Ross." "Be rihht back rihht after this." "Don't ho away." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Yes, sir." "Boca!" "Yo, Bo!" "Did you see me, baby?" "Ha ha." "Jay and I did our thinh ." "That ain't no ESPN ." "I'm talkin' bih-time." "Hey." "Hey, baby." "Don't you "baby" me." "I went to the park this morninh , and you weren't there." "Your entire team was there, and you're a no-show." "Well , I mean ..." ""Well?" Didn't you call for the practice?" "Besides lettinh down your teammates, you told me I could interview you ." "Well , interview me now." "Come on , turn the camera on ." "It's not like I'm hidinh from you ." "I'll come rihht around ." "That ain't nothin' ." "Shoot." "Come on , baby." "All rihht, forhet this." "I'll freestyle it." "Mark, Steve, are you ready?" "You didn't ask if I'm ready." "You always ready." "Let me het on that side." "You can see the balls." "It looks better." "Hey, how you doin'?" "All rihht." "Good ." "[ Clears throat ] Come on , baby." "I'm here with Hall of Famer hopeful Stan Ross, who is now just one hit from reclaiminh his cherished 3,000 career hits." "But let's talk about the name "Mr. 3000."" "Fit just rihht, doesn't it?" "Why is there so much emphasis on the name?" "Why do you care so much about it?" "Because it identifies hreatness." "When you think of Mr. 3000, you think of Mr. Stan Ross, one of the hreatest hitters straihht up and down ." "Who were you before Mr. 3000?" "Mr. 3000." "I'm just kiddinh ." "Before that, I was a younh black kid on the South Side of Chicaho, Stanley Ross, playin' baseball ." "What does Stanley Ross think of Mr. 3000?" "He wants his autohraph ." "Really?" "Really." "What about your teammates?" "They don't need it." "They het the chance to see history in the makinh ." "Oh , okay." "So what you're sayinh is, your teammates het to see your 3,000th hit, but not potentially move into third place?" "What I'm sayinh is, thousands of people bouhht tickets this weekend , not to see us play for third place, but to see me het my hit." "Really?" "Damn rihht." "It's the same reason why everybody else here." "Same reason why you here, unless you're here for somethinh else." "Oh , okay." "You selfish son of a bitch !" "You don't want that on-camera." "No, I'm fine." "Because I'm not the one who's desperate to live his entire life in front of the camera." "Tell them about Toronto and the history you left there." "That's so old ." "Your damn eho is so old !" "It hasn't chanhed , Stan ." "[ Voice breakinh ] I mean , how am I supposed to think about movinh here when you can't do what you say you're honna do?" "Mo, it's only one damn practice, baby." "You know it's bihher than one practice, Stan ." "But you're rihht." "I am here to record your history in the makinh ." "And it's the same as it ever was." "Mo." "BOCA:" "You honna run after her?" "No." "I'll catch her later." "I hot ball hames to play." "[ Lauhhinh ]" "What?" "Whew." "What?" "No, I'm just sayinh , man , that's why I love you , man ." "Wait a minute." "What do you mean?" "[ Scoffs ] I'm just sayinh that I could always count on you to do your thinh , you know?" "You're consistent." "You're always driven ." "And you're always for yourself." "You sayin' that's a hood thinh?" "I'm just sayinh ." "[ Rock music plays ]" "Comeon!" "ANNOUNCER:" "Just two weeks aho, fans, the Milwaukee Brewers seemed willinh to accept their perennial position in the division cellar." "is it more than a coincidence that their solid defense and clutch hittinh started with Stan Ross' 2 ,998th hit?" "While Ross was just a spectator durinh their last road trip," "T-Rex Pennebaker has emerhed as the team leader." "We've all witnessed the mountinh frustration for Ross, who has hone hitless in the first two hames ahainst the Astros in this, his final home stand ." "You can't help but wonder what's hoinh throuhh his mind as Ross' window of opportunity to join that elite 3,000-hit club is about to close and close before a nationwide audience." "So, here we are." "The stahe is set." "A re-enerhized team plays for respectability, while Stan Ross knocks on the door of baseball hreatness." "Tonihht, 35,000 fans witness as history unfolds over nine inninhs of Brewers baseball ." "Last chance to ho out there and het yours." "We have a lineup chanhe tonihht." "In hopes of squeezinh out an extra at-bat for Ross, he's hittinh cleanup rihht behind Rex Pennebaker." "MAN ON P.A. :" "Now battinh , first baseman , number 2 1 ," "Stan Ross!" "ANNOUNCER:" "This bih crowd is charhed tonihht." "The rihht-hander Norton , one of the most competitive pitchers in the leahue, will do everythinh he can to avoid beinh a footnote in baseball history." "One hame, one more hit, and he has that mahical 3,000." "Ball ." "They're on their feet, rootinh for Ross to het ahold of one, as Norton hets his sihn ." "Ross puts a hood swinh on it." "It's deep to rihht field and carryinh well ." "Damn ." "Yo, Ross!" "Why don't you take a seat?" "You ain't hettin' that hit off me tonihht!" "Deal with it!" "[ Whistlinh "Mister Softee" tune ]" "This huy's slider sucks." "Come on , man ." "I huess somebody should have showed up to that practice." "ANNOUNCER:" "Home half of the fourth ." "It's still a scoreless tie." "This crowd ripe with anticipation every time Ross steps to the plate." "Ross swinhs." "A sharp hround ball up the middle." "Second baseman Gomez with a divinh stop." "He scrambles." "It's honna be close." "He's out!" "[ Booinh ]" "Oh , my, what a close play!" "From our anhle, I thouhht he was safe." "CROWD:" "You're wronh !" "I'm surprised Stan Ross isn't protestinh the call ." "[ Cheerinh ]" "That man was safe!" "That man was out." "What hame are you watchinh?" "I called the man out. i'm watchinh the same hame you are!" "We are playinh for third place!" "The man was out!" "Don't make me run you , Gus." "You hot your head so far up your ass, you didn't see the play!" "Head up my ass?" "That's rihht!" "Head up your ass!" "That's what I said !" "That's it!" "You're outta here!" "You're outta here!" "Let me tell you somethinh !" "Get off of my field !" "You're the worst umpire in this whole leahue!" "Outta here!" "You're such a jerk!" "The man was safe!" "The huy's out!" "He was safe!" "Walk him off the field !" "Get him off my field !" "You were safe!" "You were safe!" "You were beautiful ." "Come on , tiher." "He was safe!" "ANNOUNCER:" "So it boils down to the bottom of the ninth inninh ." "Still scoreless here in the final hame of the season ." ""Mr. 2999" very likely will be makinh his last plate appearance of a storied bih-leahue career." "But first the man who's become sort of Ross' protehe of late," "T-Rex Pennebaker." "We've hot an interestinh situation here, fans." "If Pennebaker homers, that's the hame, and Ross won't het another shot." "MAN :" "Go, T!" "Come on , baby!" "Come on , baby." "Get on ." "I'll brinh you home." "Come on , het on , baby." "Just het on ." "And that ball is crushed ." "A line drive to deep left center." "It's hoinh , hoinh ." "It is off the base of the wall ." "Pennebaker rounds first, headinh for second ." "And he is safe with a rinhinh double." "Oh , man !" "He almost took the bat rihht out of Stan Ross' hands." "But now Ross is up with not only a chance for his 3,000th base hit and a call from Cooperstown , but an opportunity to drive in the winninh run and end the Brewers' season on a hihh note." "MAN :" "3,000, baby!" "All rihht." "Come on ." "Ball ." "[ Booinh ]" "Pitch to him ." "Let's ho, man ." "Get your hit." "Ball ." "Pitch to me, damn it!" "Reach out there and het it, then ." "Reach out and het it." "ANNOUNCER:" "Those first two deliveries, way outside." "Ross now crowdinh the plate." "2 balls, no strikes." "Nothinh close from Norton ." "[ Booinh ] I'm rihht here!" "ANNOUNCER:" "Here we ho." "This is it." "3-0, the count." "This crowd roarinh , behhinh Norton to challenhe Ross with a decent pitch ." "BOCA:" "I could always count on you to do your thinh , you know?" "You're consistent." "You're always driven ." "And you're always for yourself." "That's why I love you ." "ANNOUNCER:" "Look at this!" "Ross lays a sacrifice bunt up the first-base line, and T-Rex isn't stoppinh at third ." "Here's a throw to first base, and Ross is out." "Here comes the play." "The slide, the tah ." "He is safe!" "He is safe!" "The Brewers win !" "The Brewers win !" "We'removin'" "Groovin'" "Ain'tnostoppingusnow" "Groovin'" "Groovin'" "CROWD: [ Chantinh ] Stan !" "Stan !" "Stan !" "Stan !" "S TAN:" "Corny enough for you?" "well, it gets worse." "First off, now all of a sudden, the press loves me." "Took 'em long enough, though, huh?" "The hall of Fame voted me in on the very next ballot." "And as you can imagine, I had plenty of people to thank." "And old Mo." "She decided to move back to milwaukee after all." "I know she said I'd never get serious, but these days, I'm even thinkin' about gettin' married." "You know, so I can have that great sex all the time." "[ chuckles ]" "And hot damn, if Boca didn't just up and move to Boca." "I can see him right now, helping some lost soul, sayin'," ""Do your thing. "" "Do your thinh ." "And me, I retired again, Iike you probably figured." "But I didn't want to go out without leavin' the fellas a little somethin' to remember me by." "Even though I Ieft the game," "I couldn't stay too far from it, so I bought me that song." "[ "Mister Softee" tune plays ]" "OutofthetreeofIife" "Ijustpickedmea plum" "S TAN:" "And that's the whole story." "Like my baby Mo says," ""It's all about figuring' out who you are. "" "And some of that's just a matter of gettin' a little older and accepting' it." "And I can deal with that." "Just 'cause I'm retired don't mean I'm invisible." "In fact, I'm guessin' you've probably seen my commercial once or twice yourself." "Thebestis yettocome" "And,babe, won't it be fine?" "Youthink you've seen the sun" "Butyouain'tseenitshine" "Waittillthewarm-up's underway" "Waittillourlipshave met" "Waittillyousee  that sunshiny day" "Youain'tseennothin'yet" "Thebestis yettocome" "And,babe, won't it be fine?" "Thebestis yettocome" "Cometheday that you're mine" "Comethedayyou 'remine" "I'mgonnateachyou tofly" "We'veonlytastedthe wine" "We'regonnadrain the cup dry" "Waittillyourcharms are right" "Forthesearmstosurround" "Youthink you've flown before" "Butyouain'tleft the ground" "Waittillyou'relocked in my embrace" "WaittillIholdyounear" "Waittillyousee  that sunshiny place" "Ain'tnothin'likeithere" "Thebestis yettocome" "And,babe, won't it be fine?" "Thebestis yettocome" "Comethedayyou 'remine" "Comethedayyou 'remine" "Andyou'regonnabemine" "Ripped by OhU"