"Now, Tom, this is the first time you've been trusted with such a large consignment of raw sewage." " Are you sure you'll be all right?" " Don't worry about me at all." "This button opens the doors and this one shoots the sewage out." "This for the doors and this shoots the stuff out?" " No, the other way around." " Right you are!" "Good luck, so." "July the 19th." "Why does that strike me as important?" "Yes!" "July 19th?" "I wouldn't know, Ted, you big bollocks." "I'm sorry?" "I said I wouldn't know, Ted, you big bollocks." "Have you been reading those Roddy Doyle books again, Dougal?" "I have, yeah, Ted, you big gobshite." "That's all very well." "But remember, they're just stories." "Normal people like us don't use that language." " This is the real world." " Oh, you're right there, Ted." "Anyway, any idea why July the 19th should be so important?" "Would that be the day the Ice Age ended?" "No, Dougal!" "They can't be that precise about the Ice Age." "I'll look it up in the diary." "July 19th. "On this day, Galway liberated from Indians..." ""Marathon becomes Snickers"..." "A- ha, Ted! "Ice Age ends."" "Time for tea, Fathers." "Mrs Doyle, is anything important about July the 19th?" "It doesn't matter what day it is, Father, there's always time for a nice cup of tea." "Didn't our Lord Himself on the cross pause for a nice cup of tea before giving Himself up for the world?" "No, He didn't, Mrs Doyle!" "Whatever equivalent they had for tea in those days - cake or whatever." "And speaking of cake..." "I have cake." "I'm fine for cake, Mrs Doyle." "Are you sure, Father?" "There's cocaine in it." "There's what?" "!" "Oh, no, not cocaine." "What am I on about?" "No, I meant..." "What do you call them?" "Raisins." "Right." "I won't, thanks." "Ah, you will." "Sure, it's only small." "It's just a tiny little cake." "You won't feel it." "You won't even know you're eatin' it." "No, I will know I'm eating it, Mrs Doyle." "No, you won't!" "Look at the size of it!" "It's hardly even a cake." "It's a micro-cake." " No, Mrs Doyle, I really won't..." " Aw, come on now." "It's got raisins... cherries...cinnamon!" " Cinnamon?" " Oh, yes." "I do love cinnamon." "What the heck, I'll have one." "Great!" "No." "No, Father, I'm forcing you." "No, you're not." "Really!" " I love cinnamon." " No, no, you're just being polite." "If you don't want any, all you have to do is say "no"." "Just that one little word, "no"." "It's a lovely word our Lord gave us to use when we don't want any cake." "Yes, but just this once, I'd actually love some cake." "Well, you can't have any!" "I want cake!" "No, I'm just going out to have these destroyed." "Sorry about that, Father." "Anyway, this date thing is bothering me now." "July the 19th." "Is there something we always do on July 19th?" "Drink!" " Is it something to do with Jack?" " Maybe it's..." " Oh, God, it's not his bath?" "!" " Oh, no, it couldn't be!" "No, wait!" "Calm down!" "He's just had his bath!" "Remember?" "Just before Christmas." "Oh, thank God for that!" "God Almighty!" " You Ok?" " I think so." "So what could it be?" "A- ha!" "Holiday." "Come on, Dougal." "Better get moving." "Where'll be go on holiday, Ted?" " God, I don't know." " Pearson's?" "Mr Pearson doesn't like people staying." "It's not a guesthouse." " Is it not?" " No, no." "Remember the argument last year when we tried to stay the second week?" "Wait!" "Father O'Rourke's caravan!" "He said we could use it anytime." "Oh, no, Ted, not again!" "It's very small." "No, he got a new one." "Apparently it's twice as big." "Let's go!" " He said it's the one at the end." " There it is!" "Look!" "It's HUGE!" "Calm down." "We're here, Father." "Feck off." "I think it's the best caravan in the whole world." "Dougal?" "Where's the trailer with all the stuff in it?" "Next you'll tell me you didn't lock the front door!" "Ah, Ted, come on..." "Drink!" "In a minute, Father, I promise you." "This is great, isn't it, Ted?" "Telly and all." "This is what it's all about." "Wait a second!" "You've got to do my back!" "I'm wrinklin' like a raisin in there." "I'll be back in a sec." "Father Ted Crilly," "Craggy Island Parochial House, Craggy Island." "That's C-R-A-G-G-Y Island." "Honestly, Officer, I can't apologise enough..." "God, that was so embarrassing!" "Ted, if that's not our one, which one is?" "Sure, this is great." "And it is bigger than last year's one." "What'll we do first, Ted?" "We'll take it easy for a while, just get settled into the old caravan." "Right, that's enough of that." "Where'll we go?" "Here's a booklet, Ted." "Places of interest." "St kevin's Stump..." "Mmm, that sounds good." "The Magic Road!" "Oh-ho!" "Two places of interest." "What's the Magic Road, Ted?" "A bizarre natural wonder where everything's gone haywire and nothing works like it should." "A bit like you, Dougal." "Except it's a road." "I still don't understand." "It's a kind of a mad road?" "It's called a strange phenomenon." "If you took off a car's hand-brake, it'd roll UP-hill." "And water flows UP it." "That's as mad as what you told me about the loaves and fishes!" "No, Dougal." "That's not mad." "That's when our Lord got one or two bits of food and turned it into a whole pile of food for dinner." "God, He was fantastic, wasn't He?" "Ah, He was brilliant." " Father, have any preferences?" " HOLIDAY!" "Yes, we're on holiday." "Would you like to go anywhere?" " WHAT?" " Would you like to go somewhere?" "WHO ARE YOU?" "I was asking, would you like to go somewhere now that we're here?" " Perhaps for a lovely walk?" " I like cake!" "Yes, I think I'll just stop talking to Father Jack now." "Where am I?" "What's that thing there?" "Are those my feet?" "Let's get him to sleep and head off ourselves." "Ok, Father...into your box." "Drink!" "Arse!" "Giris!" "Dri..." "Let's go and look for the Magic Road." "The holiday starts here!" "Come on, let's play Scrabble." "Did you bring the travel Scrabble?" "I brought the normal Scrabble AND the travel Scrabble." "Travel Scrabble for travelling and the normal for when we arrived." "Good man." "Ah, no, now that I think of it, I didn't bring either of them." " Right." " God, I'm an awful eejit." "So...what do we do for the next two weeks?" "Will I put on the kettle?" "Yeah, go on." "Must be one of the ones that clicks off automatically." "Yes..." "Bit of steam there." "Incidentally, did you bring any teabags?" "No." "Right!" "kettle's boiled there, Ted." "Hmm, yeah." "Will I put more water in and turn it on again?" "No, I liked it best the first time." "Maybe we could turn it on with no water at all, see what happens." "I don't think you should do that." "It would just blow up." "You'd be picking lumps of metal out of your face for a year." "You'd have puffy fish lips bigger than your face." "Like Father Bigley." "Exactly like Father Bigley." "Maybe that's what happened to him." "96...97... 98...99... 100!" "Coming... ..ready or not." " Found you." " Ahh!" "It's your go." "One...two... three...four... five...six..." "Ok, one last time." "These are small, but the ones out there are far away." "Small... ..far away." "Ah, forget it!" "Ted, you know how your eyes sometimes play tricks on you?" " I know!" "Father Larry Duff!" " Ah, Larry!" "He sometimes comes around this area." "He's tremendous fun." "I'll call him on his mobile phone." "I got him one for Christmas." "He's always complaining that nobody rings him." "AHHHHHH!" "Must have it switched off." "Why's it called St kevin's Stump?" "It doesn't say." "So is this what all holidays are like, Ted?" "Actually...yeah." "Anyway, we'd better get back to Jack." "He said he'd stay put by the cliffs." "Drink!" "Drink!" "Drink!" "Drink!" "Can we go over to the rock and back, Ted?" "Well..." "Come on, Ted, we're on holidays." "Live a little." "All right, but then back to Jack." "Drink!" "Drink!" "Dri-i-i-i-i-i...!" "Well, here we are." "Will we go over to that fence now?" "No, we might just blow up with excitement." "Let's save something for next week." "Father Ted Crilly," "Craggy Island Parochial House..." "C" " R..." "Sure, you know all that." "Listen, you know the business of reporting missing persons?" "I've heard of it, yes." "Does it cost money to report a missing person?" " No." " Great." "We've lost one of our party - Father Jack Hackett." "God, how would you describe him?" " Mid-fifties..." " To mid-eighties." "Tremendous smell of vegetables." " Angry." "Very angry man." " Hates children." "Likes the odd drink." "And don't come up on him from behind, he won't like that at all." "One thing - do you carry those electric stunner gadgets?" " No." "Why?" " Oh, no reason." "Right, anything else I can do while I'm here?" "Want to confess to any unsolved murders or anything?" "No, we're fine for the old..." "unsolved murders." "Some holiday this is turning out to be!" "Come on." "Now Jack's gone, there'll be more room in the caravan." "# Ebony and ivory" "# Live together in perfect harmony" "# Side by side on my piano keyboard" "# Oh, Lord, why can't we-e-e-e #" " Ted!" " Hello, Noel." "What are you doing here?" "Well, this is our caravan..." " Father O'Rourke offered it to us!" " Yes, so I see." "He must say it to everyone." "Room for two more in the St Luke's Youth Group?" "Motion passed!" "Sit down and we'll have a song." "Will you sing one, Ted?" "No, I won't, thanks..." "You've a lovely voice!" "Very like Celine Dion!" "We can dance, then!" "Tony, stick on the Riverdance album!" "Actually..." "Actually, Noel, I'm quite tired." "What?" "Actually, we're all a bit exhausted from the old singing." "Some of us overdid it down the old local last night!" "Gerry Fields knows who I'm talking about!" "Huh, what, eh?" "Yeah." "We arrived back at..." "God!" "it must have been half ten!" "And some of us crawled in!" "Janine Reilly knows what I'm talking about!" " Don't you?" "!" " Yeah..." "And she wasn't the only one!" "Tony Lynch!" "TONY LYNCH!" "He knows!" "Look at him, all sweetness and light!" "He wasn't when he crawled into bed at ten past eleven!" "Hello." "Father Noel Furlong." "You're a fine young fella." "What age would you say I am?" "Guess." "What age would you say?" "He knows." "Don't tell him!" "Go on, guess." "What would you say?" "40." "Ted, haven't seen you in ages." "How are you?" "# I SAW THE WHOLE OF THE MOON" "# There at the turnstiles with the wind at your heels" "# You stretched for the stars and you know how it feels" "# Too high" "# Too far" "# Too soon, you saw the whole of the moon #" "# Dirty old town" "# Dirty old to-o-own!" "#" "Oh, God, Ted, they have me worn out!" "They're a mad crowd!" "What time is it?" "Half ten!" "know what?" "We should all go to bed." "Where's Tony Lynch off to?" "Probably to get some heroin!" "No, I'm just going to the toilet, Father." "Anyone else need to go?" "Ted, Dougal, are you Ok?" "We're grand, thanks, Noel." "Sure you don't need a little tinkle?" "I'm fine, thanks." "I'll go again." "Don't keep it in, your bladder could go mental." " Yes..." " My friend Father Sweeney, he had a bladder about the size of a Terry's Chocolate Orange..." "NOEL!" "I REALLY..." "I'm fine." "Ok?" "I'm fine." "You're like a bunch of camels!" "Anyway, we'll get the sleeping bags out." "Will it not be a bit cramped?" "Not at all." "The more the merrier!" "St Colum's had a great football team in the mid-'50s." "They won the Father Fitzgibbon Cup." "Father Fitzgibbon." "The thing about him was he looked like a cup!" "Great big ears like handles!" "Do you remember him, Ted?" "Ted?" "Do you remember?" "YES!" "I remember him, Noel." "Oooohh!" "Who's a bit of a Moaning Michael tonight?" "God Almighty, it's nearly six o'clock in the morning!" "I think what we should all do now is..." "TELL A FEW GHOST STORIES!" " Ted?" " Yes?" "I'm going mad." "Yes, let's get out of here, let's go home." "Whoooo!" "Who's that now?" "Is that Gerry Fields heading off to the disco?" "We're just heading out for some fresh air." "Don't forget to bring us back some!" "Right so...you big feckin' eejit!" "What about Jack?" "Chances are he's on Craggy Island." "He has an amazing homing instinct." "We'll find him with a smile on his face and his arms outstretched to welcome us back." "What?" "Well, maybe not the smile on his face... or the outstretched arms... or the welcome back, but he's probably there." "Oh, God, your man!" "Don't let him see us!" "Gerry!" "Gerry!" "Gerry!" " Open!" "Please open!" " He's a fair bit away yet." "Might be worth speeding up there a bit, Ted." "Sorry about that." "Bloody perverts!" "He's probably very cold now his towel's blown away." "Maybe we should let him off." "I've been thinking about it, but I'm sure he'll start giving out to us." " Pretend we didn't see him." " I doubt he'd believe us." " We'd better let him off, Ted." " Oh, all right." "I suppose so." " Get out of the car!" " Hello again." "Get out of the car." "Right!" "I think he's calming down a bit." "Ah, now!" "Now...!" "Come on!" "There's absolutely no need for that type of nonsense!" "He's puncturing the tyres, Ted." "You're impressing nobody with that type of thing!" "God, Ted, I'm so tired." "Maybe we should go back." "Oh, no!" "I'm not going anywhere near Noel Furlong again." "God knows what they're up to by now!" "Ted, it's a big truck!" "It can give us a lift!" "Oh, thank God!" "Hello, Fathers." "Tom, thank God, Tom!" "We need a lift." "Fair enough, Fathers." "I'll open the door." "Sorry about that, Fathers." "Father, you're awake!" "Thank God!" "It took us ages to pull you on board." "Will you have something to drink?" "96...97...98...99...100." "Coming now, ready or not."