"( theme music playing )" "( doorbell dings )" "if you had been here 10 minutes ago, you would have seen me disguised as the hunchback of notre dame." "this disguise was to deceive herr flick of the gestapo and his assistant von smallhausen, who were themselves disguised as british airmen in the hope of finding out who it was that is helping them to escape." "they were admitted to a deserted chateau by my waitress mimi, disguised as a bald toothless manservant;" "yvette, disguised as the bride of frankenstein;" "monsieur leclerc disguised as a footman with four arms;" "and my wife edith, disguised as a cackling old crone." "these descriptions will be circulated." "but now we have returned to normal, the theory is that we will never be traced." "though i am a little bit worried about edith... who even with makeup, does not look all that different from her normal appearance." "rene, michelle is here." "she wishes to speak to you urgently." "oh, heck." "we have lost officer crabtree." "congratulations." "i have here his uniform and a solvent to remove from his head" " the false ears of his disguise." " why bring them here?" "he cannot go to the police station in his present state so i've arranged to have him directed here." "good moaning." "what are you doing here?" "i am being fellowed." "a very large german sontry has been chitting me up." "i think he foncies me." "they will go for anything in a skirt." "he must be very desperate." "he was." "i could not run." "i had my knockers round my ankles." "here is your uniform." "you can change in my bedroom." "i will check if the coast is clear." "yes. go now." "only my regular customers are in the cafe." "( whistles and catcalls)" "soxist posants." "you are crimpet mad." "listen very carefully." "my people have dismantled the mechanism of the telescopic aerial that was in the graveyard." "while you were at the chateau, they reassembled it in the bedroom of your wife's mother." "now it is time to send a message to london, to arrange for the submarine to meet the british airmen." "where are they now?" "they are near the canal with their upturned bath, waiting for instructions to meet the submarine." "understand this clearly, michelle:" "these are the last airmen to hide here." "i will have no more of it." "do you not realize how lucky you are to be selected to be the hero of the resistance?" "there are thousands waiting to fill your shoes." "good." "wheel in number one." "get to the attic." "we must send the message." "and see, edith, this is the material from which they will fashion my wedding gown." "oh!" "it is beautiful, mama." "black market, 400 francs a yard." "and from this one, they will make up the dresses for the bridesmaids." "it feels very hard-wearing." "oh, it is." "it is good stuff." "monsieur alfonse uses the very same to line his most expensive coffins." "michelle wishes to send a message to london." "my mother was just about to have her nap." "we will distress her as little as possible." "you should not have fitted a skylight in my roof without my permission." "i feel... exposed." "nobody can see you from up there, you silly old bat." "when i wake in the morning, the first thing i see is the bum of a pigeon." "it is to allow our telescopic aerial to rise to its operational height." "come, we must send the signal." "( creaking ) what is happening?" "oh!" "oh!" "am i to be crushed like a beetle?" "quick, the radio." "( fanny moaning )" "what is going on?" "watch, and all will be revealed." "( creaking )" "( whirring )" "quick. here is the message." "hello london." "this is nighthawk calling. over." "hello, nighthawk." "we are receiving you very loud and clear." "pass your message." "over." "the cow is ready to jump over the moon." "jack and jill are standing by in the bucket." "message received and understood." "michelle, i cannot unglee my ears." "edith, why have i, in my room, a six-foot pixie?" "here, take the solvent." "oh, look!" "it is beginning to snow." " oh, no." " all: ooh!" "cancel the wedding!" "i cannot have my honeymoon under these conditions." "quick, pull down the aerial." "you cannot do this to my mother." "oh, earnest will be frozen stiff." "if he is a true frenchman, he will not complain." "i will collapse the aerial." "( whirring )" "it is a buzzard." "they feed on the dead." "go away." "come back after the honeymoon." "( bird squawking ) never in my entire military career have i known one of my brilliant plans to be so monstrously cocked up." "you're incompetent fools." "generali, how can you say this?" "my men, they jump-a from-a the plane in the british clouds, with the big-a the mustache, and-a they smoke-a the peeps." "and they walk about in the woods impersonating the british officers." "they go, "fa fa fa fa."" ""fa fa?" "fa fa."" ""fa fa." "oh, fa fa."" ""fa fa-fa-fa."" "and then-a they drop-a their aniseed balls." "but do your bloodhounds follow the scent?" "no." "what happens?" "no meet the resistance, no meet-a the dogs." "it's gruber's fault." "he couldn't get bloodhounds." "he bought poodles." "borrowed from french tarts." "i owe them 5,000 francs for loss of business." "general, two british airmen have been apprehended by our patrols." "they are outside." "ah!" "at least someone is on the ball." "bring them in." "in here!" "your idiot soldiers refused to believe that we are officers of the gestapo." "they were very rude to us." "they called me "shorty."" "never mind this." "did you make contact with the resistance?" "we did." "we wish you to arrest person or persons who answer to the following descriptions-- gruber, take notes." "one bald-headed midget butler with one tooth." "one hunchback monster." "one bride of frankenstein." "one very old cackling crone." "she had a very long nose, but otherwise, was not unlike madam edith." "one footman." "any features you particularly remember?" "he had four arms." "and how did you find the rendezvous where you met these extraordinary people?" "we were led there by a girl, six foot tall, with a mustache and ears like a jug." "with her knickers round her ankles." "clearly you are giving us these ludicrous descriptions because you wish the gestapo to take the credit for the capture of the resistance people." "i'm warning you-- you'll be kept under very close observation." "you will not be able to go to the bathroom without me knowing about it." "meanwhile, berlin will be informed of your perverse antics and your recalcitrant demeanor, which has exacerbated the quid pro quo, vis-a-vis interdepartmental relationships." "come, von smallhausen, to our dictionaries." "general, on the telephone is a call from our wireless monitoring station." " get it, gruber." " yes, general." "yes?" "yes." "yes, i see." "i will convey this to the general." "general, messages have been intercepted between nouvion and london by our wireless monitoring service." " what did they say?" " well, it would appear that a cow is ready to jump over the moon, and jack and jill are standing in a bucket." "( sighs ) obviously our monitoring station has been infiltrated by the gestapo." "arrest the operators and place them with trusted men." "yes, general." "the problem remains:" "how do we keep tabs on herr flick of the gestapo?" "helga is very close to him." "they're keen to marry." "it is herr flick who is keen to marry." "i am ambivalent." "yes, i quite understand your position." "you will become keen at once." "you will marry herr flick and stick to him like glue." "you will report back to us and we will mop up the resistance." "and then i will ask the fuhrer to annul the marriage." "is this not a heavy responsibility for a lance corporal?" "if you succeed, you could rise instantly to the rank of sergeant, and i will recommend you for a post on the staff of one of the fuhrer's love camps, where you will be surrounded by the cream of blond-haired german manhood." "who could refuse such an offer?" "who indeed?" "( knocks ) is there anybody there?" "'allo, 'allo?" "( knocks ) is there anybody in there?" " ( both ) hello." " hello." "it's that dreadful man from the cafe." "look, he's got food." "there is a message from michelle." "it is in the sandwich." " what did he say?" " i don't know." "i don't speak a word of the language." "ew!" "the damn thing's full of paper." "look, there's writing on it." "i think it was a message." "it's signed "michelle."" "what does it say?" ""anal 'ubmarine"" "she's a funny sort of a girl, isn't she?" "i have it!" "they want us to go down the canal, and meet the submarine." "ah well, here goes." "( knocking on door ) enter." "the general has sent you this bottle of champagne, and hopes that these quarters will be suitable for your purpose." "tell the general i'm overwhelmed." "you will see that there is also one small pot of caviar, which, as you may know, is an aphrodisiac." "oh my." "your message summoning herr flick was delivered half an hour ago." "the general is most anxious that the marriage take place as soon as possible and be consummated without delay, so that the spying may commence." "i hope the annulment may be arranged with the same speed." " ( knocking on door ) - enter." "here are the flowers that you ordered, lieutenant." "not yet." "they are to be delivered after the arrival of herr flick." "very good." "( clicks heels ) attached-- attached to the flowers is a note, seemingly from an admirer." "the purpose of this is to drive her flick mad with jealousy, so that he will, as it were, get his finger out." "i see." "at what stage of the proceedings do you expect these flowers to arrive?" "at the pop of the champagne cork." " good." " good luck." "your sergeant's stripes are in the drawer of the general's bureau." "and i have volunteered to drive you to the love camp." "( gramophone playing )" "( singing ) ♪ i can't help it... ♪" "the general thinks of everything." "( knocking on door )" "( gramophone stops ) enter." "it seems that the german army take very good care of their privates." "i'm now a lance corporal." "of course." "that explains it." "i forgot." "this is the first time you've seen my quarters." "let me take your coat." "your note indicated that you wish to discuss with me something of great importance." "yes, i do." "sit down." "( restarts gramophone ) may i remove your gestapo hat?" "if you wish." "but do it with care." "i have just had a short back and sides." "herr flick, you have in the past done me the honor of proposing to me marriage." "i cannot keep you dangling any longer." "i was not, until now, aware that i was dangling." "i am therefore taking the bull by the horns and asking you to marry me." "take me, herr flick." "i am in the flood of my youth." "this i can see." "in fact, some of it is spilling over." "we'd better have the champagne." "how typical of the french." "they put things in with never a thought of how to get them out again." " ( mimics cork popping ) - ( knocking on door ) my, my." "who can this be?" "enter." "these flowers were delivered for you." "exit." "oh, dear." "will von nookhausen never leave me alone?" " ( china breaking ) - ( von smallhausen screams )" "are you jealous that admirers send me flowers?" "no. i am more concerned that you have rendered unconscious von smallhausen." "he waits with my car." "however, he will probably recover." "where were we?" "i was accepting your proposal of marriage." "how do you fancy a little snack?" "take it away, helga." "i can never bring myself to eat the little balls of the fish." "this brings me to the ring." "i have not yet chosen a ring." "but i have." "rubies and pearls." "helga, i am most touched." "it is a little small." "it is for me." "( laughs ) see?" "helga, you must understand that although i have a sunny and outgoing personality, i am by nature shy." "this is because i was an orphan and was raised by some very old nuns." "they failed to draw to my attention one or two essential differences between the boy bees and the girl bees." "for this reason, at this moment, i do not know whether i am on my head or my heels." "try your back." "mimi, my wife is about to sing." "hurry up with the cheese." "the germans want it for their ears." "oh, rene." "you have not hugged and kissed me since i was dressed as a little old bald-headed butler with one tooth." "well, you did look a bit like your mother." "embrace me, rene." "oh, all right." "here." "stand on the stool." "renew my confidence, rene." "turn the key that unlocks the passion in my body." "make the drums sound in my head." "( thumping on door ) it is working." "it is the door!" " ( piano playing ) - hurry up with the cheese." "monsieur leclerc is halfway through the introduction." "yes, hurry up with the cheese, mimi." "do not hang about in the larder." "( growls ) oh, rene!" "oh, i cannot stand the strain of our secret romance much longer." "my hair is beginning to fall out." "i too have been under great strain, yvette." "there is only one thought in my head." "you you you." "i am the same." "me me me." " oh, rene." " oh, yvette." "how long have we got?" "half the intro and two choruses." "( both gasp )" "( piano playing )" "( singing tunelessly ) ♪ happy feet ♪" "♪ i've got those happy feet ♪" "♪ i've got those hap-hap-hap-hap ♪" "♪ happy feet. ♪" "i wonder where she learned the dancing?" "i think killing cockroaches in her kitchen." "rene, you have missed my cabaret." "i was in the larder, dealing with another ham." "psst!" "michelle, backroom." "why does she always have to come when we are busy?" "( shoes tapping ) shut up." "rene:" "now michelle, please hurry." "i have germans in my cafe." "in that case i shall say this only once:" "we must be at the rendezvous to make sure that the airmen meet the submarine and get away." "i have a boat standing by." "what excuse have we got to be in a boat in the estuary?" "nouvion is renowned for its rowing eight." "your four will be joined by four of my girls posing as the club team." "when i was a young girl i was a member." "we were known as "the nouvion oars."" "how will we find the submarine?" "a marker will be sent to the surface." "and how are we to recognize this marker?" "simple. it will be a radio-controlled goose." "there are in the estuary many geese." "how do we know which one is the marker?" "its eyes will flash." "it will emit smoke from the other end." "well, that should help it to stand out from the crowd." "be on the shore, 9:30, by the clubhouse, tomorrow." " now look, michelle-- - if you are going into one of your whingeing moods, i will call off the whole operation and put the airmen back in your cellar." " oh, no no no." "anything but that." " good." "i will now disappear through your window, past your dustbins." "i cannot wait for the war to be over." "then i can tell that girl what a bossy pain in the neck she has become." "i have not gone yet." "colonel, i have news." "von rathaus has reported strange activities in the estuary." "the general is mystified and requires us to investigate." "( faux french accent ) i cannot sue anybody with my biniculars." "i think the curst is clear." "why do you not curry an ear?" "because i have a mogaphone." "clever dock." " ( motor splutters ) - it will not go." "what do we do?" "captain bertorelli, get out and give us a push start." "i have-a the better idea." "( chuckles ) before the war, i was the gondolier in venice." "mmwah!" "( mimicking opera ) ♪ just-a one oar's a-better ♪" "♪ than two you see... ♪" " carstairs: where are we?" " fairfax: i don't know." "i've got frog spawn on my periscope." " lend me your hanky." " certainly not." "what are we looking for?" "we're looking for a flashing goose." " canadian?" " almost certainly." "( motor rumbling, radar pinging )" "can you see anything, sir?" "not a lot." "we're in the estuary, but i'm not quite sure where." "down periscope." "shall i send up the goose?" "yes." "good idea." "fire number one." " ( distant rumble ) - goose away." " goose away, sir." " jolly good show." "( soft bubbling ) all we can do now is wait." "have you got anything on your asdic?" "no, sir." "it cleared up last week." "in, out, in, out-- shut up, you old fool." "we stopped rowing five minutes ago." "rene, michelle is coming alongside in the funeral boat of monsieur alfonse." "( motor rumbling ) have you seen the upturned bath containing the airmen?" "no, we have not." "this is a complete fiasco." "why do we not just row home before we all get shot?" "sissy!" " ( buzzing ) - rene, a goose is approaching." "( motor buzzing )" "( phone ringing )" "somebody please answer that goose." "hello, this is blue tit here." "ah, hello, blue tit." "where are these airmen chappies?" "we can't hang about." "we're trying to locate them." "madame edith, look!" "michelle, the germans are heading towards us in a boat." "it's the colonel and lieutenant gruber." "sorry, we can't talk anymore." "we seem to have a bit of a problem." "( quacks )" " head towards the shore!" " aye aye, sir." "she's hung up." "ahoy there." "rene, what are you doing rowing about here?" "hello, colonel." "we are the champion rowing club." "we are practicing for the regatta." "colonel:" "clear the area at once." "you had better hide." "we are investigating suspicious goings-on." "oh, yes, certainly." "all together, girls." "in, out, in, out... it's my opinion that there is a submarine here somewhere." "i agree, gruber." "but where?" " what's happening, sir?" " i haven't the foggiest idea." "let's see what's going on." "up periscope." "if we could find it, it would be a feather in our caps." "( creaking, crunching )" "we-- we're sinking!" "man the lifeboats!" "( all yelling )" "( theme music playing )"