"[ Singing ln Middle Eastern Language ]" "Listen to me." "Killing a few hostages is not suffilcient." "Americans must be made to suffer!" "We must humiliate them!" "You do not go far enough, General Amin." "We must rip their entrails out and drag them to Damascus until they include us in the peace process." "Nonsense." "The solution is not bold enough for Libya." "I say wipe out Washington and New York." "What?" "And spoil three years of good public relations?" "I have Americans believing I am a nice guy." "In some oftheir polls," "I am more popular than their president." "Gentlemen." "Gentlemen!" "This is getting us nowhere!" "Ifwe do nothing else this week, we must conceive at least one terrorist act that will show all the world that the United States, the Great Satan, is but a paper tiger, a weak nation ofweak people," "a people ripe for destruction, cowards, no longer willing to flight." "Aah!" "Aah!" "Oof!" "I knew it." "Aah!" "Filthy American!" "Aah!" "Ow!" "Ya!" "Hey, who are you?" "I'm Lieutenant Frank Drebin, Police Squad, and don't ever let me catch you guys in America!" "Oh!" "[ Siren ]" "Hey!" "Watch out!" "Whoa!" "Watch out!" "Get away!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "38, 39, 40." "It'sallhere." "This completes ourfirstshipment ofheroin." "100%pure." "It betterbe, all40kilos." "Finalshipment willbe delivered in three days." "Then we'll expectpayment." "Don't worry." "Police!" "Throw down your guns!" "Kill him." "Aah!" "Aah!" "Oh, no!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "It's a great day for Americans everywhere." "This man is loved..." "Look!" "I think that's his plane!" "That's his plane!" "...he takes a typical airline dinner." "There he is!" "No, no flowers, thankyou." "Welcome home, Frank." "Good work in Beirut." "We heard what you did." "I just want to know, is it true about Victoria?" "I'm afraid so." "Shejust ran off with some guy." "They got married last week." "Then it's over." "This is meaningless." "I did it for her." "I did everything for her, and now she's gone." "You who came down here to get the hot story, pictures of me to sell your lousy newspapers." "You think I'm a big hero." "Well, do any ofyou understand how a man can hurt inside?" "Frank, they're not here foryou." "Weird AI Yankovic is on the plane." "[ Cheering ]" "What about the wedding?" "What was she wearing?" "Don't torture yourself." "Put her out ofyour mind." "I can't get her out of my mind." "You know anything about the guy?" "Just that he's an olympic gymnast and it's the best sex she's ever had." "[ Crash ]" "I trusted her, followed my heart, foolishly, it seems." "Just going to have to learn to forget." "That's why I took my vacation in Beirut, to get her out of my mind, to filnd some peace." "It's not going to be easy." "Everywhere I look, something reminds me of her." "Maybe cops and women don't mix." "What about Nordberg?" "I came as soon as I heard." "He's alive, on life support." "Doctors say he's got a 50-50 chance of living, though there's only a 1 0 % chance ofthat." "[ Clanging ]" "Mrs. Nordberg, I think we can save your husband's arm." "Where would you like it sent?" "Frank, I'm so glad you came." "Wilma, I came as soon as I heard." "Thankyou, Frank." "Where's Nordberg?" "He's right here." "Right." "Nordberg, it's me, Frank, your buddy." "Aah!" "I'll get it." "Wait a minute." "Oh!" "Get the switch!" "Nordberg?" "It's me, Frank." "Who did this to you?" "I..." "love you." "I love you, too, Nordberg." "Who were they?" "Ship...boat." "That's right, Nordberg, a boat." "When you're better, we'll go sailing on a boat." "We'll take a cruise." "No." "Drugs." "Nurse, give this man some drugs." "Can't you see he's in pain?" "No." "Heroin!" "Heroin!" "Nordberg, that's a pretty tall order." "You give me a couple ofdays on that one." "[ Sobbing ]" "Oh, my poor Nordberg." "He was such a good man, Frank." "He never wanted to hurt anyone." "Who would do such a thing?" "Hard to tell." "Could be thugs, a blackmailer, an angry husband, a gay lover..." "Aah!" "Frank, get a hold ofyourself." "Good cop, needlessly cut down and ambushed by some cowardly hoodlum." "That's no way to die." "You're right, Ed." "A parachute not opening." "That's a way to die." "Getting caught in combine gears... having your nuts bit off by a Laplander, that's how I want to go." "Oh, Frank!" "Oh!" "This is terrible!" "Don't worry, Wilma." "Your husband will be all right." "Don't worry." "Just think positive." "Never let a doubt enteryour mind." "Don't wait until the last minute to fiIll out organ donor cards." "Aah!" "What I'm trying to say is when Nordberg is better, he's welcome back at Police Squad." "Unless he's a drooling vegetable." "But that's only common sense." "Aah ah ah!" "Wilma, can you think ofany reason that Nordberg was at the waterfront?" "No... but I found this at home..." "in a drawer." "A photograph." "ILuv You, out of Caracas." "A Panamanian ship." "Frank, when Nordberg said, "I love you,"" "he was telling you the name ofthe ship." "I realize that..." "now." "We'd better check this out." "I want everyone on this." "I can't spare anybody, Frank." "We're in charge ofsecurity for Queen Elizabeth's visit." "Wilma, I promise, whatever scum did this, no one will rest for one minute until he's caught." "Let's go eat." "Due to the extraordinary efforts ofsome ofour civic leaders," "Queen Elizabeth has included the City of Los Angeles as a city she will visit during her American tour." "Mayor Barkley, will the city hire additional offilcers during the visit?" "We have placed the queen's security in the hands of Police Squad, a special division ofthe police department, represented here by Lieutenant Frank Drebin." "[ Applause ]" "Thankyou, Your Honor." "Protecting the safety" "Louder!" "[Thump Thump]" "You can use my radio mike." "Thankyou." "Ahem." "[ Snort ]" "Thankyou, Your Honor." "Protecting the safety ofthe queen is a task gladly accepted by Police Squad, for no matter how silly the idea of having a queen might be, as Americans, we must be gracious and considerate hosts." "[ Applause ]" "Thankyou, Lieutenant Drebin." "Ofcourse, we all have a stake in seeing that this portion ofthe queen's American goodwill tour is completed." "And we can all take pride that the queen has chosen" " [Zip] - our city to visit." "[Urinating]" "Ahh!" " [splash]" " Indeed, it is for all the people to be able to share" " [splash] - in the...uh, celebration" "Uhh!" "especially..." "[Humming] will be the queen's public appearances." "[Splash]" "[Humming]" "La da dum" "Hmm hmm mmph" "[Trickling]" "[Dripping]" "Um, we also would like" "[Splash!" "]" "[Humming]" "[Whistling]" "Whoops!" "Uh-oh." "Mrrr!" "[Pfft!" "]" "[Humming]" "Edandldrove down to the docks where Nordberg hadbeen found floating face-down on the water." "In cases with no leads, you have to startsomewhere." "Thatsomewhere was the harborarea." "Please disperse." "There'snothing foryou to see." "Where'd they filnd Nordberg at?" "There." "Want to take a dinghy?" "No." "I took one at the press conference." "It doesn't make sense." "Good policeman, bright future." "He was found by the night watchman." "I'll talk to the harbormaster." "I'll snoop around." "Yeah?" "Lieutenant Drebin, Police Squad." "Oh, I rememberyou." "What do you want?" "To ask some questions." "Are you familiar with that face?" "I don't know." "My memory ain't so great." "Yeah?" "Maybe this'll refresh your memory." "It's still hazy." "How about this?" "Yeah, I remember him." "Why?" "I can't say." "Well, maybe this'll help." "I don't think I should." "You still don't think so?" "He's a cop." "No!" "He was dealin' h." "He was dirty." "I ought to run you in." "He worked at Ludwig's Shipping." "He tried pushing." "What are you doing about it?" "Why should I tell you?" "Maybe this'll help." "I still don't think so." "Can you spot me 20?" "How about now?" "I'm going down to Ludwig's offilce." "Vincent Ludwigpresided overone ofthe largest corporationsin the city." "A respectedcivic leader, the mayorhadchosen him to be chairman ofthe queen's reception committee, andl was questioninghim about drugs andattemptedmurder." "Mr. Ludwig?" "Yes?" "Lieutenant Drebin to see you, sir." "Show him in." "Lieutenant." "The feeling is mutual." "Nice to meet you too." "Cuban?" "No." "Dutch-lrish." "My father was from Wales." "Oh." "Sit down." "You have a magnifilcent offilce." "Thankyou, Lieutenant." "I have collected the objects in this room over a period of many years." "A Gainesborough, Ming vases, priceless." "They are objects which I feel reflect my personality," "like thejapanese filghting filsh." "They're beautiful, graceful, elegant, yet single-minded of purpose and deadly when it filnds what it wants." "This particular one is valued at over $20,000." "A luxury item, certainly, but as you can see," "I am a man who appreciates the filner things in life." "Oh, this." "This is a rare samurai pen, a gift from Emperor Hirohito." "Unbreakable." "Impervious to everything but water." "Its value is beyond estimation." "That's fascinating." "But I'm sure you didn't pay me this visit to hear a lecture on filne art, Lieutenant." "To what do I owe the honor?" "The attempted murder ofone ofyour dockworkers, a man named Nordberg, a police offilcer." "He's still alive, then?" "He was shot six times." "Fortunately, the bullets missed every vital organ." "The salt water preserved him until he was found." "So they got him to the hospital in time?" "Yes." "He's at Our Lady ofthe Worthless Miracle." "This comes as a shock to me, Lieutenant." "As you know, I am not the kind of man who takes this thing lightly." "Aah!" "...ofcriminal activity." "Look out there." "A vast commercial development built by me." "Do you have any idea what was out there?" "Ya!" "You bet you do-- orange groves, acres ofthem as far as the eye could see." "But now that land can generate ten times the profilt." "Are you all right, Lieutenant?" "Let me get you some Kleenex." "Has this offilcer-- uh, what's his name-- Nordberg?" "been able to tell you anything?" "Uh..." "well, ofcourse, he hasn't been able to tell us a thing so far, but when he regains consciousness... we'll see if he can still play guitar." "I beg your pardon?" "I've taken too much ofyour time already." "I'd like to see employment records and speak to someone in personnel." "Ofcourse." "Dominique, send in Miss Spencer." "Yes, sir." "I am quite busy making last-minute arrangements for the royal visit." "I'll have my assistant provide you with anything you need." "You've been very cooperative." "I'll note that in my report." "My pleasure." "Ah, Miss Spencer, this is Lieutenant Frank Drebin from Police Squad." "Hello, Mr. Drebin." "Hello." "Ah!" "[ Bump Bump Bump ]" "Herhair was the color ofgoldin oldpaintings." "She hada fullset ofcurves andthe kindoflegs you'dlike to suck on." "Shegave me a look lfelt in myhippocket." "Yep... this wasstarting toget interesting." "Nice beaver." "Thankyou." "I just had it stuffed." "Let me help you with that." "This should be what you're looking for, Lieutenant." "Shipping and employment records for pier 32." "Thankyou." "I've heard police work is dangerous." "It is." "That's why I carry a big gun." "Aren't you afraid it might go off accidentally?" "I used to have that problem." "What did you do?" "I just think about baseball." "Hey, that's a honey ofan ankle bracelet." "Oh, did it slip down there again?" "Yes, well..." "I'll go through this and get them back tomorrow maybe." "That would be filne... but there's no rush." "Wheneveryou're through." "Thankyou." "I wish I could repay you." "How about dinner?" "I know this little place that serves great Viking food." "That's quite a tempting offer, but I'll need my rest this evening, tomorrow being Arbor Day and all." "Ofcourse." "Some other time." "A rain check?" "Let'sjust stick to dinner." "Thankyou foryour help, Miss Spencer." "My pleasure." "Well?" "Oh, Mr. Ludwig!" "You startled me." "I just wanted to know ifyou got the Lieutenant what he wanted." "Yes, the pier 32 fille copies." "Good." "That's good." "He's an intriguing fellow, this Lieutenant Drebin, don't you think?" "Oh, well, I don't know." "I've onlyjust met him." "He seems very nice." "Jane, I realize this is an unusual request, but ifthere is something illegal going on in this company," "I need to know so we can root out any wrongdoers." "That's why I want you to, well, to get to know Lieutenant Drebin a little better, filnd out what he knows." "Don't you think this is best handled by the police?" "They are handling it, dear, but this company needs to know the facts before anything gets into the newspapers." "Don't forget," "I have a responsibility to the stockholders." "Well...ifyou put it that way... yes, I'll do my best." "That's better." "I'm sure you will." "It wasabout 4p.m." "when lreturned to PoliceSquad to see what the lab boys hadcome up with on Nordberg'sjacket." "You can tella lot from fibersamples iftheyaren't too wet." "I washoping we wouldn 't come up dry." "Hey, look out!" "Police!" "Halt!" "Aah!" "Hit the ground!" "Oh!" "Aah!" "Anybody catch the license plate?" "Aah!" "Anybody get a look at the driver?" "Get out ofthe way!" "Aah!" "Uh, take the names ofeverybody here for questioning." "Uh, I got to get, uh... inside." "Did you see what happened?" "No, I didn't." "Aah!" "Ed, Ted, you got those filber samples?" "We got some action here." "What's up?" "We're testing that new antigraffilti wall." "We've got a few customers." "It reacts to the spray." "You guys are crazy..." "Hey!" "Hey!" "You've done it again." "Mazeltov." "What will you think up next?" "Now that you mention it, here's something we developed only yesterday." "To the casual observer, an ordinary shoe, but in actuality... it makes quite a handy weapon." "Everything a cop in the fileid would need." "We call it the Swiss Army shoe." "What about the filber samples?" "Just one more thing." "Do you see these cuff links I'm wearing?" "They're not just cuff links." "Each one filres a dart that knocks out your victim, but does no permanent damage." "Let me demonstrate on Ed." "Ted... why?" "He'll be up and around in no time." "Why don't you take a pair, Frank?" "I could use another pair ofcuff links." "You want this, Chief?" "Yes, thankyou, Al." "You've got something on your mouth." "No, no, the other side." "As you requested, Frank, we took some filber samples from Nordberg'sjacket." "I'm afraid it doesn't look good." "What do you mean?" "Take a look foryourself." "I..." "I can't see anything." "Use your open eye, Frank." "I can see it now." "At filrst glance, it appears to be normal cotton filbers." "But we discovered a filne, white powder." "[ Crack ]" "Pure heroin." "How well do you know Nordberg, Frank?" "We were partners for nine years, and he's my best friend." "Personal feelings can't get in the way." "Are you saying that Nordberg is" "The queen arrives day after tomorrow." "Ifthe press picks this up with Nordberg still part ofthe force, it could be embarrassing." "I'm giving you 24 hours to clear Nordberg." "Mr. Ludwig?" "Yes?" "A Mr. Pahpshmir is here." "Show him in." "Is there something wrong, Mr. Ludwig?" "No, no, no." "It's nothing." "May we get down to business?" "Certainly." "Please have a seat." "I can carry out your request." "My price is $20 million." "Price is not a problem." "But there is some concern on the part ofthose I represent that you would be able to complete so diffilcult a task." "Tell me, Mr. Pahpshmir, in all the world, who is the most effective assassin?" "Well, I would think anyone who manages to conceal his identity as an assassin." "Yes... but there is even a more ideal assassin." "[ Buzz ]" "One who doesn't know he's an assassin." "Care for some tea?" "Yes, please." "Dominique, service for two, please." "[ Beep Beep Beep ]" "I must kill Pahpshmir." "[ Click Click Click ]" "[ Beep ]" "Will that be with cream and sugar, sir?" "Mr. Pahpshmir?" "Cream only, please." "Oh, there's a gun on the floor, sir." "Oh, just leave it there." "It's all right." "The tea, please." "Ofcourse." "Tell me, Mr. Pahpshmir, have you ever seen sensory-induced hypnosis?" "I think I just have." "But how will you get her near the target?" "Oh, I doubt whether it will be her." "Good secretaries are so hard to filnd these days." "And it seems to me... anyone... can be an assassin." "Ihad24hours to clearmygoodfriend'sname." "Idecidedto return to the hospital with Ludwig's shipping records to tryandjog Nordberg'smemory." "Oh, Dr. Alford, I have Mrs. Kepley's chart." "I'll be with you when I filnish with Mr. Nordberg." "Yes, doctor." "[ Beep ]" "I'll have you out of here..." "[ Beep Beep Beep ]" "I'd like to see Offilcer Nordberg." "I'll need you to sign" "Wait a minute." "Where's the police guard?" "Lieutenant Drebin called and sent him home." "Lieutenant Drebin?" "I must kill Nordberg." "I must kill Nordberg." "Drebin, Police Squad!" "Let go ofthat pillow!" "Aah!" "Ugh!" "Aah!" "Ohhh." "Ah!" "[ Pfft!" "]" "Ohhh." "Ohhh." "[ Horn Honks ]" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Medical emergency!" "[ Honk ]" "[ Honk ]" "[ Honk Honk ]" "Drebin, Police Squad!" "Follow that black car!" "The car!" "Follow that car!" "All right, Stephanie, checkyour mirror." "Signal." "Now pull into traffilc." "Ease offon the brake." "Give it a little gas." "Turn left here." "There he is!" "Easy." "Aah!" "Follow him to the right!" "Normally you would not be going 65 down the wrong way ofa one-way street." "[ Honk ]" "Ohh!" "Apply the brakes." "Now put it in reverse." "[ Honk ]" "[ Honk ]" "You dumb broad!" "All right, Stephanie, gently extend your arm." "Extend your middle filnger." "Very good." "Well done." "There he is!" "Go for it, Stephanie." "Yeah." "[ Honk Honk ]" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Aaaah!" "Ohhh, nooo!" "Oh, my God!" "Excuse me." "Excuse me." "All right, move on!" "Nothing to see here!" "Please disperse!" "Nothing to see here!" "Please!" "The attempt on Nordberg's life" "left meshaken anddisturbed." "The questions came up overandoveragain," "like bubbles in a case ofclub soda." "Who was this character in the hospital?" "Why washe trying to kilINordberg?" "Andfor whom?" "DidLudwig lie to me?" "Ididn 't have anyproof, but ldidn 't trust him." "Why was the I Luv You not in Ludwig's records?" "Andifit was, didhe knowabout it?" "Andifhe didn 't, who did?" "And where the hell wasl?" "[ Animal Noises ]" "It wasalmost midnight when Igot home." "Ijust wanted aglass ofBosco, but mynight wasjust about to begin." "Ohh!" "You're late." "That depends on what I'm late for." "You said we should have dinner sometime." "Tonight became..." "sometime..." "I'm boiling a roast." "How hot and wet do you like it?" "Very hot... and awfully wet." "You seem to know your way around the kitchen." "I'm just as handy in other rooms." "That shirt looks familiar." "It's yours." "I didn't want to get stained or wrinkled, at least... not yet." "Do you mind if I slip into something more comfortable?" "There... that's better." "I hope you brought your appetite." "I brought everything." "Well, then... dig in." "[ Thunder ]" "Hmm, interesting." "Almost as interesting as the photographs I saw today." "I was young." "I needed the work." "They were taken down at Ludwig's docks." "A Panamanian ship came in." "It wasn't on Ludwig's records." "Probably an oversight." "How's your, um... meat?" "You be thejudge ofthat." "Mmm." "Mmm." "Mmm." "I've got nine more." "Have you seen that ship?" "It doesn't look like one ofours." "We deal with so many ships." "Has offilcer Nordberg been able to tell you anything?" "No, unfortunately, there was another attempt on his life." "Oh, that's terrible." "This world is such a violent place." "If it wasn't, I'd be out ofa job." "But I'd give it all up for a world without crime." "That's beautiful." "This is all happening too fast." "I've...been hurt before." "I'm sorry." "I'd known her foryears." "We used to go to police functions together." "Oh, how I loved her." "But she had her music." "I think she had her music." "She hung out with the Chicago Male Chorus and Symphony." "I don't recall her playing an instrument, yet she was on the road 300 days out ofthe year." "In fact, I bought her a harp for Christmas." "She asked me what it was." "Boy filnds girl, boy loses girl, girl filnds boy, boy forgets girl, boy remembers girl... girl dies in a tragic blimp accident over the Orange Bowl on New Year's Day." "Goodyear?" "No, the worst." "Poor dear." "Now, now." "I don't want to upset you." "Oh, Frank, it's not that." "Why did you have to be so wonderful?" "There's something I ought to tell you." "No, no need to tell me anything." "What's in the past, it doesn't matter anyway." "Maybe... maybe we'rejust two lonely souls who have found each other." "Funny face." "I want you to know, I... practice safe sex." "So do I." "Woke up this morning feelin' filne" "Had something special on my mind" "Last night, I met a new girl in the neighborhood" "Oh, yeah" "Something tells me I'm into something good" "Something tells me I'm into something" "She's the kind of girl who's not too shy" "And I can tell I'm her kind of guy" "'Cause she danced close to me" "Like I hoped she would" "Oh, yeah" "Something tells me I'm into something good" "Something tells me I'm into something" "Ahh" "Ahh" "Ahh" "I walked her home, and she held my hand" "I knew it wouldn't be just a one-night stand" "So I asked to see her next week" "And she told me I could" "Oh, yeah" "Something tells me I'm into something good" "Something tells me I'm into something" "I'm into something good" "Oh, yeah, something good" "Something tells me I'm into something" "I had a wonderful day." "I can't believe wejust met yesterday." "You really mean that,Jane?" "You're notjust saying it because we exchanged bodily fluids?" "No, I really mean it." "You're very special." "How about a nightcap?" "No, I don't wear them." "I'm on duty." "We're on stakeout." "I'll be thinking about you." "I'll call you tomorrow." "OK." "Something tells me I'm into something good" "Something tells me I'm into something" "Good night." "Oh, yeah, something good" "Something tells me I'm into something into something good" "The answer's up there in Ludwig's offilce." "Call it a hunch, woman's intuition," "Ludwig knows more than he's telling us." "A hunch won't stand up." "Where are your hard facts?" "He's the only one who knew Nordberg was still alive." "then some thug tries to knock Nordberg off in the hospital." "But breaking into Ludwig's offilce... you're taking a big chance." "You take a chance getting up in the morning or sticking your face in a fan." "There he is." "All right, just trust me on this, Ed." "I know I'm right." "OK, but be careful." "I'll see you in the morning." "Bingo." "[ Music Plays ]" ""20 million deposited, Omani Bank, Zurich, upon proof ofqueen's death"?" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "[ Music Plays ]" "Ooh!" "Ooh!" "Oh!" "Ah!" "Ooh!" "[ Crash ]" "Ah!" "Ah!" "Ohhh!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh oh!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Ah!" "[ Sirens ]" "[ Honk ]" "Aah!" "Aah!" "[ Honk ]" "Aaaaah!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Ooh!" "Ohhh!" "Hey!" "Oh!" "Ooh!" "Oh!" "Aaaah!" "Ah!" "Ah!" "[ Sirens ]" "Oh!" "Aah!" "Aaaah!" "Aaaah!" "Entering without a search warrant, destroying property, arson, sexual assault with a concrete dildo?" "What the hell were you doing there?" "We have reason to believe that Vincent Ludwig is involved in a plot to assassinate the queen." "That's ridiculous!" "Where is this evidence?" "Well, it... burned in the f-f-filre." "Gentlemen..." "Vincent Ludwig is one ofthe most respected members of this community, and ifwe're nice to him, he will agree not to press charges." "Did I make myselfclear?" "Yes, Your Honor, very clear." "Good day." "Oh, Drebin." "I don't want any trouble" "like you had on the South Side." "That's my policy." "When I see filve weirdos dressed in togas stabbing a guy in the park," "I shoot the bastards." "That's my policy." "That was a Shakespeare in the Park production ofJulius Caesar, you moron." "You killed filve actors." "Good ones." "Your Honor" "Your presence at the queen's reception tonight will not be necessary." "Is that understood?" "We understand, Your Honor." "Thankyou." "...andtheplane has taxiedto a stop." "Anyminute now, we expect the doors to open, and we'llget ourfirstglimpse ofthe queen asshe begins herfirst visit here in overfiveyears." "She'llbegoing from here to a formalreception" "[ Doorbell Rings ]" "Jane." "Frank." "I'm making dinner." "Are you hungry?" "Well...maybejust a bite." "Vincent Ludwig wants you to meet him tonight." "There's something you should know." "I was at Vincent's last night." "Did he show you his collection of Ming vases and those rare oil paintings?" "I think Vincent is involved in a number of criminal activities." "Oh, Frank, stop it." "Vincent Ludwig is a well-respected, generous, kind man." "You don't know him like I do." "How's that?" "What's that mean?" "I'm...sorry." "I'm worried about you." "I don't want to see you getting mixed up in anything dangerous." "I thought Kung Wu's closed three years ago." "Jeez, has it been that long?" "I don't feel like Chinese tonight, anyway." "Uhh... it's sweet ofyou to be concerned, but you're wrong about Vincent." "He's such a gentleman, and he's so generous." "Hejust wants to talk with you to clear up any doubts you have about him." "When?" "Tonight, at the 7th Street Stockyards near the 53rd street entrance." "All right, but promise you'll be careful." "Ofcourse I will, funny face, foryou." "I got to go." "I'll see you tomorrow." "Are you sure you won't have something to eat?" "Ludwig?" "[ Moo ]" "Drebin?" "Yeah, I'm Drebin." "I have a message foryou from Vincent Ludwig." "Take that, you lousy scum!" "I'm sorry." "I can't hearyou." "Don't filre the gun while you're talking." "All right... put your gun down and your hands up." "Aah!" "[ Gasping ]" "Matthews, stake out that end." "Adcock, check for anyone suspicious-looking." "What are you doing here?" "I just came from trading shots with one of Ludwig's goons." "They're planning on doing it tonight." "We'd better be on the lookout." "Right." "Excuse me, ma'am." "Security." "[ Beeping ]" "What's the meaning ofthis?" "All right." "Take it easy." "Hey, I didn't do anything." "Oh, yeah?" "Well, how about this?" "You think we were born yesterday?" "You didn't do anything, huh?" "Look, Ed." "He's got a picture ofyour wife." "Ethel." "All right." "Anyone else here seeing his wife?" "That's all right." "That's OK, Frank." "Let's get in the hall." "Are you enjoying yourself, my dear?" "I'm so excited." "I really appreciate your inviting me." "Oh, the pleasure is all mine, my dear, and perhaps afterwards, we can" "Drebin." "Frank." "You're both right." "Surprised to see me?" "This isn't the time or place to talk." "It's way past the time we talked." "I'm playing hard ball, Ludwig." "It's fourth down." "You're looking at a full-court press." "Mr. Drebin, ifyou have evidence, then use it." "If not, I'm warning you, get off my back, or, I promise you, it will cost you dearly." "Frank, what's wrong?" "A lot ofthings, sweetie pie." "A little meeting set up by someone who's been playing me like a violin." "I don't know what you're talking about." "My stockyard meeting, butterwings." "Don't you remember setting that up?" "Ludwig said you called it off." "Hum me another one, snooky lumps." "Frank, it's the truth." "It's true what they say-- cops and women don't mix." "It's like eating Drano." "Sure, it cleans you out, but it'll leave you hollow inside." "Too bad, sugar puff." "We could have been something." "I was only doing what I was told to." "Like make love to me?" "That only makes things easier." "To think I trusted you." "I made a big mistake." "Here." "You take this back." "Whose is that?" "It doesn't matter." "Take care ofyourself, baby." "By the way, I faked every orgasm." "Oh, funny face." "[ Applause ]" "And to commemorate our friendship, the City of Los Angeles is proud to present to the Royal Family this Revolutionary War musket generously donated by Mr. Vincent Ludwig." "Ladies and gentlemen," "Her Royal Highness..." "Queen Elizabeth ll." " " "Ahh..." "Ah!" "Get security in here!" "It's disgusting the way they splash this stuff all over the newspapers." "What isjournalism coming to?" "You're laying on top ofthe queen with her legs around you." "They call that news." "They can't kickyou offthe force, Frank." "It's not fair!" "Ed, life isn't always fair." "Just think-- the next time I shoot someone," "I could be arrested." "Hey..." "look at that." "The missing evidence in the Kelner case." "My God, he was innocent." "He went to the chair two years ago, Frank." "Well...what's the use?" "What good are these damn awards and citations?" "Frank, uh... 20 years" "Frank, that's not your desk." "Frank..." "I've been looking foryou." "Are you running another errand foryour boyfriend?" "I went by your place last night." "I was out walking-- all night." "I have important information foryou." "Vincent Ludwig and l" "There wasn't anything between us." "He likes East German men." "And what about you?" "I like cops." " All right!" " Yeah!" "Settle down." "Take it easy." "What have you got?" "I overheard Ludwig after the banquet." "Ludwig is planning to have someone assassinate the queen!" "Where?" "At the baseball game." "The queen will be there this afternoon as Ludwig's guest." "Ludwig is going to just shoot the queen?" "No." "A player's going to, during the seventh-inning stretch." "I better go." "Me, too." "No." "You stay with Ludwig." "We won't arouse any suspicion." "Right." "OK." "Let's go." "Wait!" "Listen!" "I've gotten you guys into enough trouble already." "I'll go alone." "This will get you back." "We're all right behind you." " Right." " Right." "Frank..." "I wanted you to know now..." "I've loved you since I met you, and I'll never stop." "I'm a very lucky woman." "So am I." "A goodafternoon to everyone." "We're coming toyou live from the big "A "" "where the CaliforniaAngels meet theSeattle Mariners in a showdown forthe division lead." "Hello, everybody." "I'm Curt Gowdy along withJim Palmer, Tim McCarver," "Dick Vitale, Mel Allen," "Dick Enberg, and Dr.Joyce Brothers inviting you tojoin us for this game." "As we all know, this game is being attended by Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth." "I'm sure she'll enjoy this game." "We've got all the exits covered." "I ought to arrest Ludwig right now." "We've got to let him make the filrst move." "Besides, the mayor would have you arrested." "I've got to get that assassin." "It could be any one ofthose players." "I've got to get down on that fileld and search those players." "Ladiesandgentlemen, please rise and welcome HerMajesty, Queen Elizabeth ll." "[Organ Plays God Save The Queen ]" "One moment, ma'am." "Over there." "These seats are taken." "My dear, is something bothering you?" "Why, no." "Why do you ask?" "You haven't said a word." "You seem... nervous." "You know how important this game is for the Angels." "Why isn't he here now?" "I do not like waiting." "Mr. Pallazzo, our head usher will be here in two minutes." "Please, just wait in here." "He should be here now!" "I'll send him right over." "I don't wait for him." "He waits for me." "Yes?" "I am the head usher." "I'm here to-- Excuse me." "Mr. Pallazzo?" "Yes?" "I'm the head usher." "One second." "Ladiesandgentlemen, on behalfof the CaliforniaAngels andthe CityofLosAngeles on the occasion ofHerMajesty's royal visit, please welcome internationally renowned opera star Enrico Pallazzo." "Ladiesandgentlemen, let ushonorAmerica asMr." "Pallazzo willnowsing ournationalanthem." "[Organ Plays]" "Oh, say can you see" "By the dawn's early light" "What so proudly we hailed" "Frank?" "ln the twilight's last gleaming" "Whose bright stripes and broad stars ln the perilous night" "O'er the ramparts we watched" "As the da, da, da, da, da, da" "And the rockets' red glare" "Lots of bombs in the air" "Gave proof to the night" "That we still had a flag" "Oh, say, does that spangled banner wave" "Over all that is free ln the home ofthe land" "And the land ofthe free" "Get him!" "Hold it!" "As the crowd settles down, we'll wait for the start oftoday's ball game." "Ahem..." "Oh, excuse me." "Could you tell me... is this an offilcial bat?" "Well, the queen's visit has brought a sellout crowd." "While the fans are waiting, they're being entertained by Angelvision, showing some ofthose unusual moments in baseball." " Ooh!" " Oh!" "Whoops." "Sorry, fellas." "Ha ha ha!" "How about that?" "Ladiesandgentlemen, nowtaking the field, yourCaliforniaAngels." "[ Crowd Cheers ]" "We ask thatyou do not throwanyobjects in thestands oron the field." "We thankyou foryourcooperation." "Phew!" "As the Angels take the fileid, we're ready for the filrst pitch with the Queen of England tossing out the filrst ball." "[ Crowd Cheers ]" "Howabout that queen, ladiesandgentlemen?" "We're ready for the start oftoday's game." "I'm sure that group agrees." "They ought to." "Those are the players' wives." "The umpires fortoday'sgame" "At first base, Lou Hernandez." "Atsecondbase, DanZowan." "At thirdbase, Bob Boone." "Are we going to do this today?" "Do what?" "Oh." "Play ball!" "[ Crowd Cheers ]" "Frank?" "Al, it's Frank." "And this game's underway." "Dave Spiwack facing JayJohnstone." "[ Spits ]" "Nothing to report so far, Chief." "Ifone ofthose players is the killer," "Frank's going to filnd him, even if he has to search them all." "...JayJohnstone." "Good luck, pal." "Are you all right?" "Let's see ifthat uniform's on straight." "Looking good back here." "Well, you should take a large, I bet." "Tight in the crotch." "That's clean." "All right." "All set?" "OK." "Play ball." "Ooh!" "Batter up." "Strike?" "[ Crowd Cheers ]" "Strike one!" "Stri-i-i-ike two!" "[ Crowd Cheers ]" "Stri-i-i-i-ike three!" "Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!" "Ooh!" "Whee!" "Aye!" "Rolling down lmperial Highway" "A big, nasty redhead at my side" "Santa Ana winds blowing hot from the north" "We was born to ride" "You're clean." "Put down the top" "Crank up the Beach Boys, baby" "You're out!" "We're gonna ride it" "Till wejust can't ride it no more" "From the South Bay to the Valley" "From the west side to the east side" "Everybody's very happy" "'Cause the sun is shinin' all the time" "Looks like another perfect day" "I love L.A." "We love it" "Look at that mountain" "Look at those trees" "Look at that bum over there, man" "He's down on his knees" "Look at these women" "Ain't nothin' like them nowhere" "Century Boulevard" "We love it" "Victory Boulevard" "We love it" "Santa Monica Boulevard" "We love it 6th street" "We love it, we love it, we love it" "We love L.A." "I love L.A." "We love it!" "Have you found him yet?" "No, and I've searched almost everybody." "There's only one more out before the seventh-inning stretch." "You'll have to stall them." "Don't let them get that third out." "Right, Ed." "The Marinershortstop-- number4, Armando Crishonee." "Crishonee." "Ball." "Ball?" "[ Crowd Boos ]" "Ball." "[ Crowd Boos ]" "What in the world?" "Get out!" "Catch it!" "Catch it!" "Ah!" "Fair ball!" "Go!" "Go!" "He's going home!" "Block the plate!" "Safe." "Safe?" "I don't believe this!" "[ Crowd Boos ]" "Hey, second base!" "There's the throw by the catcher." "They've got Crishonee hung up between filrst and second." "What?" "Hey, you're not supposed to do that." "Hey, wait a minute!" "Stop that right now!" "You hear me?" "I'll get you!" "I know this is hard to believe, but the umpires have Crishonee in a run-down." "Safe!" "Safe?" "How about that?" "He's out!" "Safe!" "He was safe!" "He was out!" "I've never seen that." "Out!" "Safe!" "Out!" "Safe!" "Safe!" "Safe!" "Safe!" "Safe!" "He never tagged him with the ball!" "You idiot, he ran out ofthe base line!" "You're out of here!" "What?" "You can't throw an umpire out!" "All right!" "You're out of here!" "Even the guy running the scoreboard says he was out." "He's way up there on the mezzanine!" "Oh, my God." "It's the third out." "[ Beep ]" "[ Beep Beep Beep ]" "I must kill...the queen." "I must kill...the queen." "Frank!" "It's the right filelder!" "You're the blindest umpire I've ever seen!" "What's the matter with you?" "You were right." "He was safe." "You're right." "Now we're taking you for a little walk." "How could you do something so vicious?" "It was easy, my dear." "I spent two years as a building contractor." "Now let's go..." "quietly." "Aha!" "Look!" "Reggie, man!" "Get the ump!" "Hold it!" "[ Everyone Talking At Once ]" "Kick him in the balls!" "Aah!" "I must kill...the queen." "Ah!" "Whoops." "Look!" "Where?" "A-a-a-aah!" "Aah!" "Ooh..." "The umpire-- he saved the queen's life." "That's not the umpire, Your Honor." "Hey, it's Enrico Pallazzo!" "[ Crowd Cheers ]" " Enrico Pallazzo!" " Enrico Pallazzo!" " Enrico Pallazzo!" " Enrico Pallazzo!" "Drebin." "Frank!" "Frank!" "Frank!" "Frank!" "Help!" "Frank!" "Frank!" "Help!" "Frank!" "Help!" "Frank!" "Hold it, Ludwig!" "Stay there." "He's got a gun." "I know." "You ruined my life, Drebin." "Now I'll ruin yours." "Leave her alone." "I'm going to kill you." "I see." "[ Telephone Hangs Up ]" "Two can play at that game." "Aah!" "Aah!" "You killed him." "He'sjust stunned." "He'll be all right." "Oh...ah!" "A-a-a-a-aah!" "[ Crash!" "]" "Well." "[ Crunch ]" "[ Band Plays Louie, Louie]" "Oh, Frank..." "it's horrible." "That's so horrible." "I know, Ed." "My father went the same way." "[ Beep Beep ]" "[ Beep Beep Beep ]" "I must kill..." "Frank Drebin." "I must kill Frank Drebin." "No, no!" "Don't shoot!" "Jane... it's me... funny face." "Imust kill FrankDrebin." "Butyou love FrankDrebin... andFrankDrebin lovesyou." "Ifyou don't love me, thenpullthat trigger because, without you," "I wouldn't want to live anyway." "I found someone I can love-- good, clean love... without utensils." "I must kill Frank Drebin." "It's a topsy-turvy world,Jane." "Maybe the problems oftwo people don't amount to a hill of beans, but this is our hill and our beans." "Jane, since I've met you," "Inoticedthings lneverknew were there-- birds singing, dewglistening on a newly formedleaf, stoplights..." "I must kill" "Jane..." "This morning..." "I bought something foryou." "It's not very much... but pretty good for an honest policeman's salary." "It's an engagement ring." "I would have given it to you earlier, but I wantedto wait until we were alone." "I" "I love you,Jane." "Oh, Frank." "[ Sniffling ]" "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry I yelled at you yesterday." "I really am." "Drebin, I was wrong about you." "This city, and I guess the whole world, owes you a debt of gratitude." "Thankyou." "Monday, we want you back at Police Squad... with a promotion to captain, ofcourse." "Mayor" "But don't thank me." "There's someone else who wants to thankyou." "Nordberg!" "I should be on my feet in a week." "And back on the force." "Nordberg, that's wonderful!" "Oh, Frank... everyone should have a friend like you." "Whoa!" "[ Crash!" "]" "Woke up this morning feelin' filne" "Had something special on my mind" "Last night, I met a new girl in the neighborhood" "Oh, yeah" "Something tells me I'm into something good" "Something tells me I'm into something" "She's the kind of girl who's not too shy" "And I can tell I'm her kind of guy" "'Cause she danced close to me like I hoped she would" "Oh, yeah" "Something tells me I'm into something good" "Something tells me I'm into something" "We only danced for a minute or two" "And then she stuck close to me the whole night through" "Can I be the one in love?" "She's everything I've been dreaming of" "She's everything I've been dreaming of" "I walked her home, and she held my hand" "I knew it wouldn't be just a one-night stand" "So I asked to see her next week" "And she told me I could" "Oh, yeah" "Something tells me I'm into something good" "Something tells me I'm into something" "Something tells me I'm into something" "Ahh" "I walked her home, and she held my hand" "I knew it wouldn't be just a one-night stand" "So I asked to see her next week" "And she told me I could" "Oh, yeah" "Something tells me I'm into something good" "Something tells me I'm into something" "Ahh" "I walked her home, and she held my hand" "I knew it wouldn't be just a one-night stand" "So I asked to see her next week" "And she told me I could" "Oh, yeah" "Something tells me I'm into something good" "Something tells me I'm into something" "I'm into something good, oh, yeah" "Something good" "I'm into something good..."