"I'm always in traffic with the lane expert." "Do you know this type of person?" "Constantly re-evaluating their lane choice." "Never quite sure:" ""Is this the best lane for me, for my life?"" "They're always a little bit ahead." ""Can I get in over there?" "Can I get ahead of you?"" "Yeah, come on over here, pal." "We're zooming over here." "This is the secret lane, nobody knows about it." "The ultimate..." "I think the ultimate psychological test of traffic is the total dead stop." "Not even rolling and you look out the window, you see gum clearly." "But we know that in the future, traffic will get even worse than that." "What will happen?" "Will it start moving backwards?" "Is that possible?" "That someday we'll be going, " Boy, this is some really bad traffic now." "This is really bad." "I'm gonna try and get off, and get back on going the other way."" " She can't kill me, right?" " No, of course not." " People break up all the time." " Every day." "It just didn't work out." "What can I do?" "I wanted to love her." "I tried to love her." "I couldn't." "You tried." "I'd be looking at her face, I'd go, "Come on." "Love her." "Love her."" " Did you tell her you loved her?" " I had no choice." "She squeezed it out of me." "She'd tell me she loved me." "All right, so at first, I'd just look at her." "I'd go, "Oh, really?"" "Or, " Boy, that's..." "That's something."" "But eventually, you have to come back with:" ""Well, I love you." You know, you can only hold out for so long." " You're a human being." " I didn't even ask her out." "She asked me out first." "She called me up." "What was I supposed to do, say no?" "I can't do that to someone." " You're too nice a guy." " I am." "I'm a nice guy." "And then she seduced me." "We're in my apartment, I'm on the couch, she's on the chair." "I get up to go to the bathroom, I come back she's on the couch." "What am I supposed to do?" "Not do anything?" "I couldn't." "I would've insulted her." " You're flesh and blood." " I had nothing to do with any of this." "I met all her friends." "I didn't want to meet them." "I kept trying to avoid it." "I knew it would only get me in deeper." "But they were everywhere." "They kept popping up all over the place." ""This is Nancy, Susan, Amy, my cousin, my brother, my father."" " It's like I'm in quicksand here." " I told you when I met her." "My back is killing me." "You gotta go to my chiropractor." "He's the best." " Everybody's guy is the best." " I'll make an appointment for you." " We'll go together." " Please, they don't do anything." "Do I have to break up with her in person?" "Can't I do it over the phone?" " I have no stomach for these things." " Do it like a Band-Aid." "One motion, right off!" " Hi." " Hi." " What are you doing?" " I'm letting you in." "No, I don't want to sit in back." "I'll be left out of the conversation." " No, you won't." " Yes, I will, George." "I'll have to stick my chin on top of the seat." " Okay." " Why can't you sit in the middle?" "Please." "It doesn't look good." "Boy, boy, girl." "I think you're afraid to sit next to a man." "You're a little homophobic, aren't you?" "Is it that obvious?" " Hello, Jerry." " Hello." " Did you get a haircut?" " Nope." "Shower." "So where are we eating?" "Tell me if you think this is strange." "There's this guy who lives in my building who I was introduced to a couple years ago." "He's a teacher or something." "Anyway, after we met, whenever we'd run into each other in the street or in the lobby, or whatever we would stop and chat a little bit." "Nothing much." "Little pleasantries." "He's a nice guy." "He's got a family." "Then after a while, I noticed there was no more stopping, just saying hello and continuing on our way." "And then the verbal hellos stopped and we just went into these little sort of nods of recognition." "So fine, I figure, that's where this relationship is finally gonna settle." "Polite nodding." "Then one day he doesn't nod." "Like I don't exist?" "He went from nods to nothing." "Now there's this intense animosity whenever we pass." "I mean, it's like we really hate each other." "It's based on nothing." "A relationship is an organism." "You created this thing and then you starved it, so it turned against you." "Same thing happened in The Blob." "I think you absolutely have to say something to this guy." "Confront him." " Really?" " Yes." " Would you do that?" " lf I was a different person." "Hello?" "Hello, is Glen there?" "I'm sorry." "Is this 805-555-3234?" "Yes, I know I have the wrong number." "I want to know if I dialled wrong or..." "Why do people do that?" "Come on up." "Oh, it's you again." "See?" "If you'd answered me, I wouldn't have had to do this." "That's two long-distance calls I've made to you." "Why can't you...?" "Why?" "Why do they just hang up like that?" "Thank you very much." " Taste this." " No, I just had a sandwich." " No, taste it." " I don't want cantaloupe now." " You never had it like this before." " I only eat cantaloupe..." " Jerry, this is great cantaloupe." " All right." " It's very good." "It's good." " It's good, huh?" "I got it at Joe's, 49 cents a pound." "That's practically half than what you pay at the supermarket." "I don't know why you don't go to Joe's." "It's too far." "It's three blocks further." "You could use my shopping cart." "I'm not pulling a shopping cart." "Am I supposed to wear a kerchief put stockings on rolled below my knee?" "The other thing is, if you don't like anything he takes it back." " I don't return fruit." "Fruit's a gamble." "I know that going in." "I did it!" "It's over." " You did it?" "What happened?" " I told her, in the kitchen." "Which was risky, because it's near all the knives." "I started with the word "listen." I said:" ""Listen, Marlene." The next thing I know, I'm in the middle of it." "There's this voice inside me going, "You're doing it."" "Then she started to cry, and I weakened a little bit." "I almost relented, but the voice, Jerry, the voice said:" ""Keep going." "Keep going." "You're almost out."" "It's like I was making a prison break." "I'm heading for the wall." "And I trip and twist my ankle and they throw that light on you." "You know?" "Somehow I get through the crying and I keep running." "Then the cursing started." "She's firing at me from the guard towers." ""Son of a..." Bang!" ""Son of a..." Boom!" "I get to the top of the wall, the front door I open it up, I'm one foot away." "I take one last look around the penitentiary, and I jump!" "See?" "Never as bad as you imagine." "I like that Marlene." "What's her number?" "Yeah, no, I..." "I don't think so." "Could you stop that smacking?" "George, I want you to taste this cantaloupe." " No, thank you." " It's the best cantaloupe I've had." " No, really." " I'll get you a piece." " Jerry, tell him how good it is." " Very good cantaloupe." "So that's it." "You're out." "Except for one small problem." "I left some books in her apartment." "So?" "Go get them." "No, I can't go back there." "Jerry, it's so awkward." "It could be dangerous, sexually." "Something could happen." "I'd be right back where I started from." "So forget about the books." " Did you read them?" " Well, yeah." "What do you need them for?" "I don't know." "They're books." "What is this obsession people have with books?" "They put them in their houses like they're trophies." "What do you need it for after you read it?" "They're my books." "So you want me to get the books, is that it?" "So it must have been 95 degrees that night and everyone's standing around the pool with little drinks in their hands." "I was wearing my old jeans and T-shirt." "I don't know, I was just in one of those moods so I said to myself, " Marlene, just do it." And I jumped in." "As I'm getting out, I feel all these eyes on me." "So I look up, and everyone is just staring at me." "So, what did you do?" "Well, nothing." "It's no skin off my hide if people like to look." "I just didn't see what the big attraction was." "Well, I have a general idea what it was." "I could take a guess." "Hey, you know, Jerry just because George and I don't see each other doesn't mean we shouldn't stay friends." "No." "Good enough." "I'm really glad we got that settled." "Great." "I don't know how this happened." "Jerry, it's not my fault." "No, it's not your fault." ""Books, books, I need my books."" "Have you reread those books yet, by the way?" "The great thing, when you read Moby Dick the second time Ahab and the whale become good friends." "It's not like Marlene's a bad person or anything but, my God, we've had three lunches and a movie and she never stops calling." "And it's those meaningless, purposeless, blather calls." "She never asks if I'm busy or anything." "I just pick up the phone and she's in the middle of a sentence." "It's standard." "Has she left you a message where she uses up the whole machine?" "You know, sometimes she'll go, "Hello, Jerry?"" "And I'll go, "Oh, hi, Marlene."" "And then it's, "Jerry I don't know sometimes." - "Know sometimes."" "What about trying to get off the phone?" "You can't." "It's impossible." "There's no break in the conversation where you can go:" ""All right, then."" "You know, it just goes on and on without a break in the wall." "I mean, I've gotta put a stop to this." "Just do it like a Band-Aid." "One motion." "Right off!" "She is sexy, though." " Don't you think?" " Yeah." "Yeah, she is." " Mr. Costanza?" " Yeah?" "The doctor will see you now." "Yeah. "Doctor."" "I'm gonna have to wait in that little room all by myself, aren't I?" "I better take this." "I hate the little room." "Oh, hello, doctor." "Waiting room." "I hate when they make you wait in the room." "Because it says waiting room." "There's no chance of not waiting because they call it the waiting room." "They're gonna use it." "It's all set up for you to wait." "You sit there and you got your little magazine." "You pretend you read it, but you're really looking at other people." "You know, you're thinking about them." "Things like:" ""I wonder what he's got."" "And, "Soon as she goes, I'm getting her magazine."" "Then they finally call you, and it's a very exciting moment." "They finally call you." "You stand up and kind of look around at the other people." ""Well, I guess I've been chosen." "I'll see you all later."" "You think you're gonna see the doctor, but you're not, are you?" "No." "You're going into the next waiting room." "The littler waiting room." "But if they are doing some sort of medical thing to you you want to be in the smallest room that they have." "I think." "You don't want to be in the largest room that they have." "You ever see these operating theatres that they have with, like, stadium seating?" "You don't want them doing anything that makes other doctors go, "I have to see this." "Are you kidding?" "Are they gonna really do that to him?" "Are there seats?" "Can we get in?"" "Do they scalp tickets to these things?" ""I got two for the Winslow tumour." "I got two."" "So how was it?" "I was in there for two minutes." "He didn't do anything." "Touch this, feel that. 75 bucks." "Well, it's a first visit." "What's 75 bucks?" "What, am I seeing Sinatra in there?" "Am I being entertained?" "I don't understand this." "I'm only paying half." " You can't do that." " Why not?" "He's a doctor." "You gotta pay what he says." "No, no, no." "I pay what I say." "You feeling weird?" "No." "I'm fine." " Nothing really happened." " Yeah." "I know." "We just kissed a little." "People kiss." "Yeah." "Well..." "Night." "Good night." " Hey." " Hey." " I got it." "This time I got it." " All right." "Hips." "See, it's all in the hips." "Gotta come through with the hips first." "That is out there." "Definitely." " Joe's?" " No." "Supermarket." "Well, is it good?" " It's..." "It's okay." " Let me taste that." "See?" "That stinks." " You can't eat that." "Take that back." " I'm not taking it back." " I'll take it back." " I don't care about it." "You should care." "Cantaloupe like this should be out of circulation." "All right." "Take it back." " No." " Leave a message." "I'll call you back." "Jerry, have you ever tak en a bath in the dark?" "I'm not talking into the soap right now." "Call me back." "Who was that?" " Marlene." " Mar..." " Marlene." " Yeah." "I took her home one night." "We started up a little in the car." " I thought you were getting rid of her." " I was." "But she's got me, like, hypnotized or something." " Does George know?" " No." "He'd go nuts." "Yeah, no kidding." "I feel terrible." "I've seen her a couple of times since then and I know I can't go any further, but..." "She's got this psychosexual hold over me." "I just want her." "I can't breathe." "It's like a drug." "Psychosexual." "I don't know how I'm gonna tell him." "Man, I don't understand people." "Why would George want to deprive you of pleasure?" "Is it just me?" "It's partially you, yeah." "You're his friend." "Better that she should sleep with someone else?" "Some jerk that he doesn't even know?" " He can't kill me, right?" " You're a human being." "She called me." "I never called her." "She started it." " You're flesh and blood." " I'm a nice guy." " Hi." " Hi, Elaine." "My little airplane lamp." "You have the slowest elevator in the entire city." "That's hard to get used to when you're on so many fast ones." "Apartment elevators are always slower than offices because you don't have to be home on time." " Unless you're married to a dictator." " Yeah." "Because they'd be very demanding people." "Right." "Exactly." "I imagine at some point somebody's gonna offer me some cantaloupe?" "No." "No good." "Well, you know what they say, lucky in love, unlucky with fruit." "Well, I'm taking this back." "So I had what you might call a little encounter this morning." "Really?" "That guy who stopped saying hello?" " Yes." " You talk to him?" "Yes." "I spotted him getting his mail." "At first I was just gonna walk on by but then I thought, " No, no." " Do not be afraid of this man."" " Right." "So I walked up behind him, tapped him on the shoulder and said:" ""Hi, remember me?"" "And he furrows his brow as if he's really trying to figure it out." "So I said to him..." "I said, "You little phoney." "You know exactly who I am."" " You said, "You little phoney"?" " I did." "I most certainly did." "And he goes, "Oh, yeah, you're Jeanette's friend." "We did meet once."" "I said, " How do you go from that to totally ignoring a person when they walk by?"" " This is amazing." "And he says, " Look, I just didn't want to say hello anymore, all right?"" "And I said, " Fine." "I didn't want to say hello anymore either." "But I just wanted you to know that I'm aware of it."" "You are the queen of confrontation." "You're my new hero." "You've inspired me." "I'm gonna call George about something right now." "This cantaloupe stinks." "I don't care." " You're kidding." " No, I don't care." " You mean that?" " Absolutely." " You don't care?" " No." " How could you not care?" " I don't know, but I don't." "Actually, I'm almost happy to hear it." " I thought you'd be upset." " I guess I should be, but I'm not." "Am I a bad person?" "Did I do something terrible?" "You're a fine person." "You're a humanitarian." "She's very sexy." " That voice." "She's driving me crazy." " I know." "I know." "I can see her tonight and you don't care?" "See her tonight." "See her tomorrow." "Go, knock yourself out." " She's too crazy for me." " All right." "As long as you're okay." " I can't stop thinking about it." " I'm okay." "I'm fine." "I'm wonderful." "I never felt better in my whole life." "Good." "I'll tell you what." "You don't have to pay the $35 I gave the chiropractor for the rest of your bill." "You paid that crook?" " I had to." " He didn't do anything, Jerry." " It's a scam." "Who told you to do that?" " It was embarrassing to me." "I was trying to make a point." "Why don't you make a point with your own doctor?" "What's wrong?" " I think I swallowed a fly." " Oh, God." "I swallowed a fly!" "What do I do?" "What can happen?" "So you want to come up for a few minutes?" "I'm sorry, Jerry." "I just don't think this is gonna work." "Really?" " I thought..." " I know." "I'm sorry." "I just didn't expect it from the way you've been acting." "Are you sure you want to talk about this?" "I sure don't." "Of course I want to talk about it." "Well, okay." "I guess things changed for me on Tuesday night." "Tuesday night?" "What happened Tuesday night?" "I saw your act." "My act?" "What does that have to do with anything?" "Well, to be honest it just didn't make it for me." "It's just so much fluff." "I can't believe this." "What are you saying?" "You didn't like my act?" "So that's it?" "I can't be with someone if I don't respect what they do." "You're a cashier." "Look, Jerry, it just wasn't my kind of humour." "You can't go by the audience." "It was late, they were terrible." "I heard the material." "I have other stuff." "You should come see me on the weekend." "Women need to like the job of the guy they're with." "If they don't like the job, they don't like the guy." "Men know this." "Which is why we make up the phoney, bogus names for the jobs we have." ""Right now, I'm the regional management supervisor." "I'm in development, research, consulting."" "Men, on the other hand, if they are physically attracted to a woman are not that concerned with her job, are we?" "Men don't really care." "Men just go, " Really, slaughterhouse?" "That where you work?" "Interesting." "You got a big cleaver, just lopping their heads off?" "Sounds great." "Listen, why don't you shower up and we'll get some burgers and catch a movie."" "Subtitles by SDI Media Group" "My parents live in Florida now." "They moved there last year." "They didn't wanna move to Florida, but they're in their 60s and that's the law." "And you know how it works." "They got the leisure police." "They pull up in front of the old people's house with the golf cart." ""Let's go, pop." "White belt, white pants, white shoes, get in the back." "Drop the snow shovel, right there." "Drop it!"" "I am not much for the family gathering." "You ever sit there, and the conversation's so boring, it's so dull?" "And you start to fantasize." "You know, you think:" ""What if I just got up and jumped out that window?" "I wonder what..."" "Just crash right through the glass, you know." "Come back." "There's broken glass." "Everybody's upset." ""No, I'm all right." "I was just a little bored there." "And, no, I'm fine." "I came back." "I wanna hear more about that Hummel collection, Aunt Rose." "Let's pick it up right there."" "You have so many nice jackets." "I don't know why you had to bring this jacket." "Who wears a jacket like this?" "What's wrong with that nice grey one?" "You have beautiful clothes." "They sit in your closet." "Morty, you can't wear this." " Are you getting that?" " I thought you were getting it." " Should I pick up?" " Do you want me to get that?" " I'll get it." " I'll get it." "Hello." "Hello." " Hi." " Hi." "Would you make this thing lower?" " I can hear it on the street." " Hey, Jer, how did you do?" "We won." "I made an incredible play in the field." "It was a tag-up at third base." "I threw the guy out, from left field, on a fly." "We'll be in the championship game Wednesday because of me." "It was the single greatest moment in my life." "This is your greatest moment, a game?" "Well, no." "Sharon Besser, of course." "You know what my greatest moment was, don't you?" "In 1946, I went to work for Harry Flemming and I came up with the idea for the beltless trench coat." "Jerry, look at this sport jacket." "Is this a jacket to wear to an anniversary party?" "Well, the man's an individualist." "He worked for Harry Flemming." " He knows what he's doing." " But it's their 50th anniversary." "Your mother doesn't like my taste in clothing." "I spoke to Manya and Isaac on the phone today." "They invited you again." "I think you should go." "First of all, I made plans with Elaine." "So bring her." "I don't even know them." "What is she, your second cousin?" "I mean, I met them three times in my life." "I don't know her either." "She made me fly from Florida for this, and then she criticizes my jacket." "At least come and say hello, have a cup of coffee, then you leave." "How come he gets to leave?" "If I wind up sitting next to Uncle Leo, I am leaving." "He's always grabbing my arm when he talks to me." "I guess because so many people have left in the middle of his conversation." "And it's always about Jeffrey, right?" "Yeah." "He talks about him like he split the atom." "The kid works for the Parks Department." " Morty, you coming in?" " Oh, yeah." "I forgot all about it." " Hey." "How'd you do?" " We won." " We're in the finals on Wednesday." " Yeah!" "What is this about?" "I'm completely changing the configuration of the apartment." "You're not gonna believe it when you see it." "Whole new lifestyle." " What are you doing?" " Levels." " Levels." " Yeah." "I'm getting rid of all my furniture, all of it and I'm gonna build these different levels." "You know, with steps." "And it'll all be carpeted." "With a lot of pillows." "You know, like ancient Egypt." " You drew up plans for this?" " No." "No, it's all in my head." "I don't see how you can get comfortable." "Oh, I'll get comfortable." "When do you intend to do this?" "Should be done by the end of the month." " Gonna do this yourself?" " It's a simple job." " Well, you don't think I can, huh?" " No, it's not that I don't think you can." "I know that you can't, and I'm positive that you won't." "Well, I got the tools." "I got the pillows." "All I need is the lumber." " Hey, that's some big job." " I don't see it happening." "Yeah, well, this time..." "This time you're wrong." " Come on, I'll even bet you." " Seriously?" "I don't want you betting." "Morty, don't let them bet." "A big dinner with dessert, but I got till the end of the month." " I'll give you a year." " No, no." " No, no, a month." "End of the month." " It's a bet." "Seriously, do you wanna switch chairs?" "No, no." "I'm fine." "Oh, Jerry, you listening to this?" "Yeah, Uncle Leo." "So now the Parks commissioner is recommending Jeffrey for a citation." "Right, for the reducing of the pond scum?" "No, no, no." "For the walking tours." "Oh, yeah, where the people eat the plant life, the edible-foliage tour." "That's exactly right." "He knows the whole history of the park." "For two hours, he's talking and answering questions." "But you wanna know something?" "Whenever he has a problem with a high-powered big shot from the Parks Department you know who he calls?" "Mickey Mantle?" "Jerry." "Jerry." "Did you taste these peas?" "These peas are great." "These peas are bursting with country-fresh flavour." "Phenomenal peas." " Are you ready for dessert?" " Well actually, we do have to kind of get going." "You're going?" " I don't really eat dessert." "I'm dieting." " Yeah, I can't eat dessert either." "The sugar makes my ankles swell up, and I can't dance." " Can't dance?" " He's kidding, Manya." "Is that a joke?" "So did you hear Claire's getting married?" "Yeah, yeah." "I hear the fellow owns a couple racehorses." " You know, trotters, like at Yonkers." " Horses." "They're like big riding dogs." "What about ponies, huh?" "What kind of abnormal animal is that?" "And those kids who had their own ponies." "Oh, I know." "I hated those kids." "In fact, I hate anyone that ever had a pony when they were growing up." "I had a pony." "Well, I didn't really mean a pony per se." "When I was a little girl in Poland we all had ponies." "My sister had pony." "My cousin had pony." " So, what's wrong with that?" " Nothing, nothing at all." " I was just merely expressing..." " Should we have some coffee?" "Who's having coffee?" "He was a beautiful pony, and I loved him." "Well, I'm sure you did." "Who wouldn't love a pony?" "Who wouldn't love a person that had a pony?" "You." "You said so." "No, see, we didn't have ponies." "I'm sure at that time in Poland, they were common." "They were probably like compact cars." "That's it." "I had enough." "Have your coffee, everybody." "She's a little upset." "It's been an emotional day." "I didn't know she had a pony." "How was I to know she had a pony?" "Who figures an immigrant is gonna have a pony?" "Do you know what the odds are on that?" "I mean, in all the pictures I saw of immigrants on boats I never saw one of them sitting on a pony." "But why would anyone come here if they had a pony?" "Who leaves a country packed with ponies to go to a non-pony country?" "It doesn't make sense." "Am I wrong?" " I'll drive you to the airport." " No, we're taking a cab." "I just hope that whole pony incident didn't put a damper on the trip." "Oh, don't be ridiculous." "It was a misunderstanding." "Hey, I agree with him." "Nobody likes a kid with a pony." "Well, if you ever talk to her, tell her I'm sorry." "Elaine too." "She feels terrible." " You know, you should call Manya." " Maybe I will." " Oh, hi." "Hey." " Hey." "I just came to say goodbye." " Hey, need any help with those?" " It's nothing." "I got it." "So how are your levels coming along?" "Well, I decided I'm not gonna do it." "Really?" "What a shock." " Goodbye." "We'll call you." " Take care." " Bye, Jer." " Bye, Dad." "Take it easy." " Bye, Mr. Kramer." " Yeah, so long, Morty." "So when do I get my dinner?" "There's no dinner." "The bet's off." "I'm not gonna do it." "Yes, I know you're not gonna do it." "That's why I bet." "Yeah, well, there's no bet if I'm not doing it." "That's the bet, that you're not doing it." "Yeah, I could do it." "I don't wanna do it." "We didn't bet on if you wanted to do it we bet on if it would be done." " And it could be done." " Well, of course it could be done." "Anything could be done, but it only is done if it's done." "Show me the levels." " The bet is the levels." " I don't want the levels." "That's the bet." "Man." "Hello." "No." "Oh, hi." "No, they just left." "Oh, my God." "Hang on a second, maybe I can still catch them." "Ma." "Ma, up here." "Don't get in the cab." "Manya died." "Manya died!" " Who'd you talk to?" " Uncle Leo." " And when's the funeral?" " I don't know, said he'd call back." "You know what this means?" "We lost the supersaver." "Those tickets are nonrefundable." "She just had a checkup." "The doctor said she was fine." " Unless..." " What?" "What?" "Nothing." "You don't think...?" "What, the pony remark?" "Oh, don't be ridiculous." "She was an old woman." "You don't think I killed her?" "You know what that flight will cost us?" "It was an innocent comment." "I didn't know she had a pony." "Maybe we could get an Army transport flight." "They got a base in Sarasota, I think." "I mean, the whole thing was taken out of context." "It was a joke." "That's probably Uncle Leo." "Hello." "Yes, I know." "Well, it's just one of those things." "Sure, sure." "We'll see you then." "The funeral's Wednesday." "Wednesday?" "What...?" "What Wednesday?" "Two o'clock, Wednesday." " What?" " I got a softball game on Wednesday." "It's the championship." "So you're not obligated." "Go play in your game." " I didn't even know the woman." " So don't go." "I mean, I met her three times." "I don't even know her last name." "Jerry, no one's forcing you." "I mean, who has a funeral on a Wednesday?" "That's what I wanna know." "I mean this is the championship." "I'm hitting everything." "I don't have a dress to wear." "And, you, you don't have anything." "I got my sport jacket." "You're not wearing that to a funeral." " What's wrong with it?" " It looks ridiculous." "What, I'm gonna buy a new sport jacket now?" "I don't know what to do." "You know what this funeral's gonna wind up costing me?" "Oh, boy." "We don't understand death." "And the proof of this is that we give dead people a pillow." "And, I mean, hey, you know." "I think if you can't stretch out and get some solid rest at that point I don't see how bedding accessories really make the difference." "I mean, they got the guy in a suit, with a pillow." "Now, is he going to a meeting, or is he catching 40 winks?" "I mean, let's make up our mind where we think they're going." "I actually like ponies." "I was just trying to make conversation." " What time is your game?" " 2:45." " And what time is the funeral?" " Two o'clock." "How long does a funeral take?" "Depends on how nice the person was but you gotta figure even Oswald took 45 minutes." "So you can't do both." "You know, if the situation were reversed and Manya had some mahjong championship or something I wouldn't expect her to go to my funeral." "I would understand." "How can you even consider not going?" "You know, I've been thinking." "I cannot envision any circumstance in which I'll ever have the opportunity to have sex again." "How's it gonna happen?" "I just don't see how it could occur." "You know, funerals always make me think about my own mortality and how I'm actually gonna die someday." "Me, dead." "Imagine that." "They always make me take stock of my life how I've pretty much wasted all of it and how I plan to continue wasting it." "I know, then you say to yourself:" ""From this moment on, I'm not gonna waste any more of it."" "But then you go, " How?" "I mean, what can I do that's not wasting it?"" "Well, is this a waste of time?" "What should we be doing?" " Can't you have coffee with people?" " You know..." "You know, I can't believe you're even considering not playing." "We need you." "You're hitting everything." "He has to go." "He may have killed her." "Me?" "What about you?" "You brought up the pony." "Oh, yeah, but I didn't say I hated anyone who had one." " Who's gonna play left field?" " Bender?" "Bender?" "He can't play left." "He stinks." "I just don't see what purpose it's gonna serve, you going." "I mean, you think dead people care who's at their funeral?" "They don't even know they're having a funeral." "It's not like she's in the back going, "I can't believe Jerry didn't show up."" "Maybe she's there in spirit." "How about that?" "If you're a spirit, and you can travel to other dimensions and galaxies and find out the mysteries of the universe you think she'll be at Drexler's Funeral Home on Ocean Parkway?" "George, I met this woman." "She is not travelling to any other dimensions." "Do you know how easy it is for dead people to travel?" "It's not like getting on a bus." "One second:" "It's all mental." "Fifty years they were married." "Now he's moving to Phoenix." "Phoenix?" "What's happening with his apartment?" "I don't know." "They've been in there since, like, World War II." "Rent's $300 a month." "Three hundred a month?" "Oh, my God." "Although this may seem like a sad event it should not be a day of mourning for Manya had a rich, fulfilling life." "She grew up in a different world, a simpler world with loving parents, a beautiful home in the country." "And from what I understand, she even had a pony." "Oh, how she loved that pony." "Even in her declining years, whenever she would speak of it her eyes would light up." "Its lustrous coat, its flowing mane." "It was the pride of Cracow." "Well, game's starting just about now." "It was good that the two of you came." "It was a nice gesture." "I'm not a doctor yet, Uncle Morty." "I'm just an intern." "I can't write a note to an airline." "You got your degree." "They don't care." "They just wanna see something." " I just wanted to say how sorry I was." " Jerry you wanna hear something?" "Your cousin Jeffrey is switching parks." "They're transferring him to Riverside so he'll completely revamp that operation, you understand?" "Yeah." "He'll do in Riverside now what he did in Central Park." "More money." "So that's your cousin." "You don't understand." "I've never paid full fare." "Once again, I just wanted to say how sorry I am about the other night." " Oh, me too." "Oh, no, no, no." "She forgot all about that." "She was much more upset about the potato salad." "So I understand you're moving to Phoenix." "Yeah." "My brother lives there." "I think Manya would've liked Phoenix." "Gorgeous, exquisite town." "So, what's happening with your apartment?" "Of course it's very hot there." "I'll have to get an air conditioner." "Oh, you can have mine." "I'll ship it out to you." "But what about that big apartment on West End Avenue?" "Although, they say it's a dry heat." "Dry, wet." "What's happening with your apartment?" "I don't even know if I should take my winter clothing." "I have an idea." "Leave the winter clothing in the apartment and I'll watch it for you." "And I'll live there, and I'll make sure that nothing happens to it." "Oh, the apartment." "Jeffrey's taking the apartment." " Oh, Jeffrey." " You know Jeffrey." "Yeah, from what I understand, he works for the Parks Department." " It's raining." " It's raining?" "It's raining." "The game will be postponed." "We'll play tomorrow." "Believe me, I wouldn't bother you if the Army hadn't closed that base in Sarasota." " Here, scribble a little something here." " I can't." "I'll get in trouble." "Oh, for God's sake." "Who gets picked off in softball?" " It's unheard-of." " Never happened to me before." "I remember saying to myself, "Why is Jerry so far off the base?"" "I'll have to live with this shame for the rest of my life." "Look." "Then in the fifth inning, why did you take off on the pop fly?" "I thought there were two outs." "I couldn't believe it when I saw you running." "I thought maybe they had changed the rules or something." "It was the single worst moment of my life." "What about Sharon Besser?" "Oh, well, of course, 1973." " Makes you wonder, doesn't it?" " Wonder about what?" "You know, the spirit world." "Wait, you think Manya showed up during the game and put a hex on me?" "I never saw anyone play like that." "But I went to the funeral." "Yeah, but that doesn't make up for killing her." "Maybe Manya missed the funeral because she was off visiting another galaxy that day." "Don't you think she would've heard I was there?" "Not necessarily." "Who figures an immigrant is gonna have a pony?" "What is the pony?" "What is the point of the pony?" "Why do we have these animals, these ponies?" "What do we do with them, besides the pony ride?" "Well, why ponies?" "What are we doing with them?" "I mean, police don't use them for, you know, crowd control." ""Hey, you wanna get back behind the barricades?" "Hey." "Hey, little boy." "Yeah, I'm talking to you." "Just..." "Behind the barricades."" "So somebody, I assume, genetically engineered these ponies." "Think they could make them any size?" "Like the size of a quarter if they want?" "That would be fun for Monopoly, wouldn't it?" "Have a little pony." "And you put him on the..." ""Baltic, that's two down." "Go ahead." "Hold it." "There." "Baltic, that's..." "Yeah, Fine." "Right there, hold it right there."" "Subtitles by SDI Media Group" "I'm not a foodie." "I don't:" ""Oh, this is too rare." "Oh, it's too salty."" "Just eat it and shut up." "I'll eat anywhere, whatever they're having." "I've eaten rolls off of room-service trays in hotel hallways." "I have." "That's not a joke." "This is my life." "I don't know, somebody left it." "Why would somebody poison a roll and leave it in the hallway for some comic coming down at 2:00 in the morning?" "Why would they do that?" "Sometimes you go to a restaurant, they put the check in a little book." "What is this, the story of the bill?" ""Once upon a time, there were some very hungry people." What is this?" "Little gold tassel hanging down." "Am I graduating from the restaurant?" "What is this about?" "You want some of mine?" " Take some of mine." " Why do I get pesto?" "Why do I think I'll like it?" "I keep trying to like it." " Like I have to like it." " Who said you have to like it?" "Everybody likes pesto." "You walk into a restaurant, that's all you hear." "Pesto." "Pesto." " I don't like pesto." " Where was pesto 10 years ago?" "Look at that guy." "I'll bet you he's getting hair transplants." "Anytime you see a guy that age wearing a baseball cap, 10-1, plugs." "The thing about that painting is with the colours and..." "Oh, yeah, plugola." "One more thing about the car." "Let it warm up for a minute." "Yeah, that's a tough minute." "It's like waiting in the shower for the conditioner to work." "I don't understand why he couldn't take a cab." " Who?" " Elaine is having a houseguest." "She's picking him up at the airport tonight." " A guy?" " Yes, it's a guy." "He's from Yakima, right?" " Seattle." " Everybody's moving to Seattle." "It's the pesto of cities." "So?" "Well, you tell." "Well, from what I can piece together, our friend here met a gentleman..." " Ed." " Who was in town on a business venture, and...?" "We shared an interpersonal experience." " Go on." " So they went out a few times but, apparently, when the fellow returned home he discovered that the Benes tattoo does not wash off so easily." "On some people." "So he's coming to stay with her for a week." "It was just gonna be a weekend, but then, somehow, it became a week." " Wait a second." " All right, okay." " All right, all right, okay." " What happened?" "Oh, the busboy left the menu a little close to the candle." "I'm sorry for the disturbance." " I'm never eating here again." " Yeah." " Nice going." " Thank you." " That ought to get us a free dessert." " Yeah." "I think the busboy's in trouble." "Did I get him in trouble because of what I said?" "I just told him what happened." "He didn't do it on purpose." "He pointed at me." " Why did they point at me?" " I said I would never eat here again but he had to know I was kidding." "I didn't say anything." "I can't believe it." "He's going." "He's fired." " Oh, I said it in a kidding way." " I didn't know he'd get fired." "He'll probably kill his family over this." "What if he's waiting for me outside?" "He pointed at me." "Did you see him point?" "Lot of ex-cons become busboys." "They seem to gravitate towards it." " Was it my fault?" " Was it my fault?" "Maybe I'll try that pesto." "Look, I feel bad for him too, but he'll get another job." "Let's face it, it's not a profession where you embellish your résumé and undergo a series of gruelling interviews." " Like you really know busboys." " Oh, like you do." " Hey, at least I was a camp waiter." " Camp." "It was a fat camp." "Those kids depended on me." " Elaine?" " Yeah." "Busboys are always changing jobs." "That's the business." "I know, I work with these guys." "I talk with them in the kitchens at the comedy clubs." "Why don't you get him another job?" "I'd love to." "But I don't know anything about him." "He could walk around the street pricking people with pins." "I don't know if you people are aware of this but I am one clever chickadee." "What, did you get the busboy's number?" "His phone's been disconnected, but I was able to obtain an address." "1324 Amsterdam Avenue, apartment 4D." "Now, I did my job." " May I have the car keys, please?" " How did you get all this?" "Does the word "charm" mean anything to you?" "No." "Now you're going to his apartment?" "I think this is nuts." "I'd like to apologize." "I wanna tell him I didn't mean to get him in trouble." " So you're going now?" " Yeah." "I'm gonna see if there's anything I can do." "Get him another job." "Maybe I'll hear of something." "Maybe the fat camp." " You're not going?" " I would but I have to pick up Ed at the airport." "I just don't think you should go alone." " Can't you wait till after my set?" " It will take too long." " Hey." " Hey." "Take the K-Man." "A little support." " I don't..." " What?" "What?" "Take me where?" "Where?" "Look, I really appreciate your coming but if you wouldn't mind try not to say too much." "What am I gonna say?" "I don't know." "Well, I'm not an idiot." "Certainly not." "Then we're cool." "Yeah." "Yeah, we're cool." "I'm sorry to bother you." "I was in the restaurant earlier and I was wondering if I could talk to you about what happened." "Thanks." "I hope I'm not interrupting anything." "It's just that I think I may have, without realizing it been responsible for getting you fired." "And I just..." "I wanted you to know that I did not intend for that to happen." "He's a hell of a guy." "This is a guy I know." "Kramer." "Oh, my God." "Waterbed?" "Anyway, I..." "I just wanted to let you know that I'm really sorry that happened." "And if I can help out in any way, I'll certainly be glad to do that." "Well, I guess that's about it." "You got anything to drink?" " We really should be going." " Let me get a glass of water." "Hurry up." "Paquita?" "Paquita?" "His cat's gone." "Who left the door open?" "Who left the door open?" "Come on!" "Come on!" "Help me look!" "You know, the cats, they run away all the time." "You know, my aunt, she had a cat, ran away, showed up three years later." "You never know." "They got things in their brains." "They remember where they're from." "Unless somebody starts feeding her." "See, that's what you gotta worry about." "Once again, Antonio, I can't even begin to say how deeply, deeply sorry I am about everything." "The job the cat..." "The lamp." "There's wire sticking out." "Yeah." "Here's my card." "I'm in real estate." "So if you're ever looking for something bigger, something nicer..." "Maybe not right away." "Anyway..." "You ought to get that wire fixed." "I got the door." "George, stop worrying about this guy." "It wasn't your fault." "Come on." "He's not stalking you." " Hey." " Hey." "He doesn't even know where you live." "Who told you to give him your business card?" "That's Elaine." "Kramer." "George wants to know when you wanna go look for the cat again." "Well, it's been a week." "It's up to the cat now." "Kramer says it's up to the cat now." "It'll be on your conscience." " Oh, how do you figure?" " How do you figure?" "You're the one who left the door open." "Why was I in charge of closing the door?" "Why was he in charge of closing the door?" "Because you came in after him." " So?" " So?" " Last person in should close the door." " Let me talk to him." "Talk..." "Call him from your house." "He's calling you now." "Okay." "Ed's downstairs." "Can I have the car keys?" " No "hello"?" " You got any aspirin?" "Hello." "Now, lookit, you guarantee me this car's gonna get me to the airport tomorrow, no problem?" "Guarantee?" "Hey, it's a car." "Because if there's even the slightest chance of any problem I don't wanna take it." "If I don't get this guy on a plane to Seattle and out of my life, I'm gonna kill him and anyone who tries to stop me." "So did you have a nice week together?" "I heard a little ping in the car last time." "What was that ping?" "There's no ping." "Why are you so wacky?" "Jerry, you cannot imagine how much I hate this guy." "And he hasn't even done anything." "It's this situation." "He's a wonderful guy, but I hate his guts." "So have you two been...?" "No!" "I told him I've been having my period the last five days." "And I'm sleeping all squished over on the edge of my bed." "But I've only got 14 hours to go, and nothing can go wrong now." "I've taken care of everything." "I've confirmed the plane reservation checked weather..." " What's your airport route?" "I got it all mapped out." "I'm taking the tunnel." "What about the Van Wyck?" "I spoke to a cab driver." "For 5 bucks, he turned me onto the Rockaway Boulevard shortcut." "Now look, his plane leaves at 10: 15, we're getting up at about 8." " Gives us enough time, right?" " You still using that alarm clock?" "No, I bought a new one today." "It's got everything." "If you oversleep, a hand comes out and slaps you in the face." "Flying doesn't make me nervous." "Driving to the airport can make you very nervous." "Because when you're flying, getting on a plane if you miss that plane, there's no alternative." "On the ground, you have options." "You have buses, you have taxis, you have trains." "But when you're taking a flight, if you miss it, that's it." "No airline goes, "Well, you missed the flight." "We do have a cannon leaving in 10 minutes." "Would you be interested in that?" "It's not a direct cannon." "You have to change cannons after you land."" ""Sir, where are you going, Chicago?" "Oh, Dallas." "All right." "Wait a second." "Dallas, that's about Dallas." "Texas, anyway." "You should hit Texas." "Ready?" "Get out of the net immediately because we shoot the luggage in right after you."" "Get up." "The alarm didn't go off." "You're gonna miss the plane, it's 9: 15." " 9: 15?" " Yeah." "It's 9: 15!" "We'll never make it." "I'll leave tomorrow." "Tomorrow?" "Are you crazy?" "No." "Now, now, let's go." "Let's go." "You get dressed, you get dressed." " Can I shower?" " Shower?" "Are you out of your mind?" "I gotta shower." "I'll feel dirty all day." "Forget the shower." "The shower's out." "Just move it." "Put your clothes on." " Where are you going?" " The kitchen." " The kitchen?" " Got a bag of cashews in there." "No, they're not making it." "Here, put your pants on." " Put your pants on." " What's the big deal?" " I'll go tomorrow or the next day." " No, you have your ticket." " You have to go now." " We'll never make it." " Don't say that." " Well, it takes 45 minutes to get..." "It takes 45 minutes to get there." "That will only leave me five minutes to get to the plane." " Shut up and pack!" "And what if I don't make the plane?" "You'll have left." "Then what do I do?" "You're talking too much." " Where's my sweater?" " What?" " My brown sweater." " What sweater?" " My brown sweater." " You didn't bring a brown sweater." " I got a brown sweater." " Here." "You want a sweater?" "You want a brown sweater, you got a brown sweater." " I can't take your sweater." " It's brown!" "What are you doing?" "No." "There's no time for folding, no time for folding." "I think that's it." " My shoes, you packed my shoes." " Shoes?" "Shoes?" "Shoes weren't invented till the fourth century." "People walked around for thousands of years without them!" "I have this!" "Let's go." "Let's go." " Anywhere in the city?" " Anywhere in the city." "I'll tell you the best public toilet." "Okay 54th and Sixth." "Sperry-Rand building, 14th floor, Morgan Apparel." "Mention my name, she'll give you the key." "All right, 65th and 10th." "Are you kidding?" "Lincoln Center, Alice Tully Hall, the Met." "Magnificent facilities." "I never knew I could drive like that." "I was going faster than I've ever gone before." "And yet it all seemed to be happening in slow motion." "I was seeing three and four moves ahead weaving in and out of lanes like an Olympic skier on a gold-medal run." "I knew I was challenging the very laws of physics." "At Queens Boulevard, I took the shoulder." "At Jewel Avenue, I used the median." "I had it." "I was there." "And then I hit the Van Wyck." "They say no one's ever beaten the Van Wyck but, gentlemen, I tell you this:" "I came as close as anyone ever has." "And if it hadn't been for that five-car pileup on Rockaway Boulevard that numbskull would be on a plane for Seattle right now instead of looking for a parking space downstairs." " You did everything." " You tried." "The busboy's coming." " The busboy's coming." " The busboy's coming?" " You don't mean here." " I buzzed him in." "He's on his way up." "He's coming up?" "I'll check you out later." " Where are you going?" " I'm the one he wants." " He's coming to settle the score." " No." "You three all know each other." "There's no point in me getting involved at this stage." "No, he's not gonna do anything." "I guarantee it." "The hell with it!" "Let him kill me, I..." "Antonio!" "Antonio, in here." "Hey, Antonio, how's it going?" "Three nights ago a gas main beneath the restaurant exploded killing five people in my section including the busboy who replaced me." "If I'm not fired that night because of you and your thoughtless, stupid, insensitive remarks it would have been me." "You saved my life!" "Come on." " Yeah?" " It's Eddie." " He's coming up." " And the same night of the accident while looking for Paquita I find a job in a restaurant where they pay me almost twice what I was making before." "And, when I returned to the apartment Paquita, perhaps frightened from the explosion had miraculously returned." "Well now I must go, for today I am starting my new, wonderful job and I am very late." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Thank you all." "Hey, watch where you're going." "You almost knocked my head off." "Why don't you watch where you're going, okay?" " Because you bumped into me." " Who do you think you're talking to?" "Hey, get your hands off me!" "You go to hell!" "He'll get another job." "He's a busboy." "It won't be for a while." "At least not till after the cast comes off." "That fall down the stairs, that's what did it." "That's not how it happened." "It's when he fell on him with his knee." "That was awful." "Poor Antonio." "Thanks." "So, much longer?" "Till when?" "Till he goes back to Seattle or till he can feed himself?" "I guess it's not important." "Take care of yourselves." "I should probably get going too." "If I don't feed Paquita by 7, she goes all over everything." "Take it easy." "Yeah." "How you doing?" "First of all, I can't believe that people actually do fight." "People have fistfights in life." "I can't really believe that we have boxing, either." "It's really an amazing thing." "The problem with boxing, you have two guys having a fight that have no prior argument." "Why don't they have the boxers come into the ring in little cars drive around a bit, have a little accident, they get out:" ""Didn't you see my signal?" "Look at that fender!"" "Then you'd see a real fight." "Subtitles by SDI Media Group" "Men flip around the television more than women, I think." "Men get that remote control in their hands..." "They don't even know what they're not watching." ""Rerun, don't wanna watch it." "What are you watching?"" ""Don't care." "Who was that?" "Don't know."" ""Isn't that your father?" "Doesn't matter, I gotta keep going."" "Women don't do that." "See, now, women will stop and go, "Well, let me see what the show is before I change the channel."" "You see, but men just fly." "Because women..." "You see, women nest, and men hunt." "That's why we watch TV differently." "Before there was flipping around, before there was television kings and emperors and pharaohs and such had storytellers that would tell them stories." "That was their entertainment." "I always wonder in that era if they would get 30 storytellers together so they could still flip around." "Just go:" ""Tell me your story." "I don't wanna hear anymore." "Shut up." "Next guy." "What are you talking about?" "Is there a girl in that story?" "No?" "Shut up." "What have you got?" "I don't wanna hear that." "What are you talking about?" "Don't wanna hear it." "Now, the whole of you, get out of here." "I'm going to bed."" "She's pregnant?" "Leslie is pregnant?" "Oh, see, there is no justice." "She's the performance artist, right?" "Yeah, performance artist." "She's a performer, a real trouper." "What's her husband's name again?" "Chip?" "Kip?" "Skip?" " Todd." " Todd." "Oh, yeah." " He's a Kennedy." " No, he's not." " Come on, he's a third cousin." " By marriage." "Oh, by marriage, yeah." "We went to the wedding." "Should've heard them talk about Chappaquiddick." "Tried to blame the whole thing on bad directions." "That woman was unequivocally the worst date of my life." "Pardon me for setting you up with a beautiful, intelligent woman." "What, you don't think I can attract beautiful, intelligent women?" "Thin ice, George, very thin ice." "Maybe for her new performance piece, she'll give birth on-stage." "She stopped performing." "What a huge blow to the culture." "You believe this guy?" "He holds a grudge like Khomeini." "She dragged me down to that warehouse on the waterfront in Brooklyn to see one of her performances." "Oh, and she's on-stage cooking dinner for some celebrity?" "God." "She's cooking dinner for God." "She's yelling, and the next thing I know she throws a big can of chocolate syrup all over my new red shirt." " It was an accident." " Oh, yeah, accident, right." "She was aiming at me, like she was putting out a fire." "So for the rest of the show I'm sitting there with chocolate all over me." "Flies are landing on me." "I'm boiling, I'm fantasizing all the things I'm gonna say to her." "Later, finally, backstage, when I talk to her I'm like a little grovelling worm:" ""What kind of chocolate was that?"" ""Do you throw any other foods?" You know..." "He thought he still had a shot." "Then, then, then she leaves with somebody else." "Never even..." "Never even said goodbye." "Never called me back." "Never apologized." "Nothing." "Like I was dirt." "What ever happened with the shirt?" "I still have it." "The collar's okay." "I wear it under sweaters." "I don't know what I'm gonna do." "She asked me to give her a baby shower." "Asked you?" "You're not gonna do that, are you?" "Anyone else, never." "But Leslie..." "I have a problem saying no to her." "For some reason, I seem to want her approval." "Let Maria Shriver give her a baby shower." "Ask not what I can do for you, ask what you can do for me." "Ich bin ein sucker." "Would you two stop with the Kennedys?" "Why does everyone make such a big deal about the Kennedys?" "I mean, what is this fascination?" "Who cares?" "It's all so boring." "Look, she doesn't deserve a baby shower." "She deserves a baby monsoon." "She deserves Rosemary's baby." "I do have one teeny little problem, though." "Never said goodbye." "Never apologized." "Nothing." "See, I was gonna give the shower in my apartment..." " But?" " My roommate has Lyme disease." "Lyme disease?" "I thought she had Epstein-Barr syndrome." "She has this in addition to Epstein-Barr." "It's like Epstein-Barr with a twist of Lyme disease." " How'd she get Lyme disease?" " I don't know." "She did some outdoor version of Hair in Danbury, Connecticut." " They still do that play?" " It's a classic." " With the nudity?" " I guess." "She must've rolled over on a tick during the love-in." "Never said goodbye." "Goodbye." "Explain to me how this baby shower thing works." "What do you want to know?" "Well, I mean does it ever erupt into a drunken orgy of violence?" "Rarely." "There's no hazing of the foetus or anything, is there?" "No." " When is this supposed to be?" " Saturday." "Saturday." "Well, I have a show in Buffalo on Saturday." "They're not gonna bust up my apartment, are they?" "No, I'll take full responsibility." "Because I've seen pregnant women and they sometimes misjudge their foetal girth." "And they'll..." "Just, like, one wrong turn, the whole buffet is, like, right off the table." "Someday, before I die, mark my words I'm gonna tell that woman what I think of her." "I'll never be able to forgive myself until I do." " And if you do?" " I still won't forgive myself but at least it won't be about this." "What are you doing this for?" "Look at you." " Quiet." "I'm trying to get a picture." " But you don't have to." " The guy is waiting in my house." " Leave me alone." "It's a one-time fee, 150 bucks." " Why live like this?" " I'm not getting illegal cable." "So you're gonna wait for the cable companies to resolve their dispute?" "They'll be in court for years." " I read in the paper..." " Oh, the paper..." " They might hook us up again." " Oh, God." "You're so naive." "All the cable companies care about is the big "mamoo."" "Look at you." "You're banging things." "You're just pathetic." "Just wasting your life." "I'm offering you 56 channels." "Movies, sports, nudity, and it's free for life!" "Stop shouting." "You're ruining the reception." "Can you hear yourself?" "Can...?" "Do you know what you're saying?" " What you're suggesting is illegal." " It's not illegal." " It's against the law." " Well, yeah." "Just hold this." "Can you hold that?" "Look, will you at least let me bring the guy over?" "He's an amazing man." "He's a Russian immigrant." "He escaped from the Gulag." "He's like the Sakharov of cable guys." "He'll slow down your gas meter." "He sells slugs, Jerry." "Slugs for the subway." " He's a real human-rights nut, huh?" " Yeah." "He's intense, man." "I don't know." " What if I get caught?" " You're not gonna get caught." "Let me get him in." "It's the '90s." "It's Hammer Time." "Come on." "Just let me get him." "Jerry, Jerry, this is the cable man." "You know, why don't we wait because I'm going out of town tomorrow..." "Tomorrow okay." "No problem." "You'll have the whole thing installed by the time you get back." "No, every time I turn on a TV, sirens are gonna go off." "They're gonna track me down like a dog, I know it." "Look, now, Jerry, it's no risk." "I swear." "The Mets have 75 games on cable this year." "Put it in." "You won't regret it." "Yeah, Jerry's gonna be a cable boy A cable boy, a cable boy" " Mr. Steinfeld?" " Seinfeld." "We're with the FBI." "You wanna tell us about your cable hookup?" "My cable hookup?" "What about it?" "It's been illegally installed." "It has?" "I've been out of town." "How did you know?" "Jerry, I had to tell them." "I had to." "I had no choice." "They were onto the scam from the very beginning." "You're in very serious trouble, Mr. Steinfeld." "Wait a minute, wait a minute." "Hold on." "We're just patsies." "We're just a couple of users." "We never sold the stuff." "What about the Russian guy?" "The Russian guy's the guy you want." "Mr. Seinfeld?" "Agent Stone, FBI undercover." "No, Jerry!" "No!" "Cable boy?" "Cable boy?" "What have you done to my little cable boy?" "Excuse me, could I get something to drink?" "I'm afraid not." "What's with this airline?" "You're cutting out the drinks?" "No, sir, we're flying into a blizzard." "Please fasten your seat belt." "We're making an emergency landing." "Are they gonna go over the instructions again?" "My name is Bill." "I might be the last person you ever see." "I'm not afraid of flying, although many people do have fear of flying." "And I have no argument with that." "I think fear of flying is quite rational, because human beings cannot fly." "Humans have fear of flying, same way fish have fear of driving." "You put a fish behind the wheel, and they go, "This isn't right." "I shouldn't be doing this." "I don't belong here."" " Sounds like a rough trip." " Well there were fire engines and ambulances all on the runway." "And then when we landed safely, they all seemed so disappointed." "So the college cancelled the gig?" "There was so much snow, the roads were closed." "I really appreciate you picking me up." "Thanks again." " Forget it." " No, really, an airport run." "It's nothing." "It's one thing if I asked you, "Could you do me a favour?"" "But to suggest it..." "When you told me what you went through on the plane it makes you stop and think." "I appreciate having a real friend." "If Richie Brandis did this, I'd be suspicious." "You know how he's always got some ulterior motive?" "Ulterior motive..." "Wait a minute." "Don't take the bridge." "Get off here." "We can't go back to my place." "Elaine's having the shower." " What, tonight?" "Now?" " Yeah." "Yeah, I forgot all about it." "No big deal." "We'll go back to your place." "My place?" "No, no." "I hate my place." "I don't wanna go back to my place." "Well, you wanna get a bite?" "Well, yeah, I would." "It's just that I just ate a whole pot roast." "Well, so, what should we do?" "You know, shouldn't we at least drop off your bag?" "Red shirt!" "Red shirt!" "That's the red shirt!" " What are you talking about?" " You're wearing the chocolate shirt!" "I am." "What a strange coincidence." "Nice try, my friend, but you gotta get up pretty early in the morning." "You gotta let me go over there." "What, you're gonna badger a pregnant woman at her own baby shower?" "You're gonna take it off and make her rinse it in club soda?" "No." "I'm gonna hold it under her nose so she can smell the scent of stale Bosco that I had to live with for three years." "Then I'm gonna say, " Remember this shirt, baby?" "Well, now it's payback time!"" "We just bought an apartment on Riverside Drive." "Bernard Goetz's mother used to live there." " So where's Todd?" " Up in Hyannisport." "Oh, my God, Hyannisport?" "With the Kennedys?" "Who else is up there?" "Is Rose up there?" " So when's your due date?" " March 20th, 9 a.m." " You know the time?" " I'm having a planned C-section." "My therapist told me if I go through labour, I might get psychotic." "Leslie, Leslie, what ever happened to Sargent Shriver?" "Is he still with them?" "You don't hear much about him these days." "Is he, like, out of the loop, or...?" "Elaine, who catered this, Sears?" "What is this?" "What are you doing here?" " We're putting in the cable." " The cable?" "No, I'm having a party here." "You can't do this now." "Oh, we have to do this now." " Who is this guy?" " Which one?" " Both of them." " They're Soviet cable guys." "Okay." "Does Jerry know about this?" "Oh, yeah, yeah." "It's all authorized." "Yeah." " You can't." "You can't do this now!" " Elaine..." "Do you know how booked up this guy is?" "If I send him away now, it's gonna take Jerry months to get him back." "He won't like that." "All right." "Just do it fast, and then get out." "Anatole?" "Giddap." "Go." "It's only gonna take a few minutes." "Then you and the gals can take a load off and watch something on Lifetime." "What if we go up there, what are you gonna say to her?" " What am I gonna say?" " Yeah." ""What did you go out with me for?" "Just to dump chocolate on my shirt, and then dump me altogether?" "I don't deserve that kind of treatment." "You don't have the common courtesy to return my calls?" "To apologize?" "You think I'm some sort of a loser that likes to be abused and ignored?" "Whose shirt can be ruined without financial restitution?" "Some sort of a masochist who enjoys being humiliated?" "You think you can just avoid me like I have some disease?" "You have the disease!" "You have the disease!" "You may be beautiful and rich and physically just unbelievable, but you sicken me." "You disgust me." "You and everyone like you."" " You'll never say that to her face." " Watch me." "Yeah, I eat the whole apple." "Core, stem, seeds, just everything." "Kramer." "Kramer, look at him." " Look." "He's eating all the food." " Yeah, yeah." "Well, you know, there are many differences between American and Soviet cultures that you're not aware of." "See, in Russia, the cable guy, they got the whole run of the house." "Yeah, that's tradition." "You ever eat the bark off of a pineapple?" " Kramer!" "Kramer!" " Excuse me." "Wow, man!" "What are you doing here?" "I thought you were out of town." "The show was cancelled." "There was a blizzard." "I can't believe you told Kramer to install cable during the shower." "Jerry, look, look." "They've eaten everything." "Jerry, what a surprise." "I thought you'd left town." "Well, Leslie, sometimes the road less travelled is less travelled for a reason." "George, don't even think about it." "Don't even dream about it." " About what?" " Kramer!" "Leslie." "Yeah?" "George." "George Costanza." "Hi." "I guess you don't remember me but we actually went out a couple years ago once." "Remember?" " Vaguely." " Yeah." "You took me to see one of your shows." "And?" "And it was quite good." "In fact, you even incorporated me into the show." "I'm not actually a performer, although my parents felt I had talent..." "Jerry?" "Remember me?" " I'm sorry..." " Mary Contardi." "No?" "Doesn't ring a bell, Jerry?" "We had a date three years ago." "You took me to one of your shows." " I think I remember." " Told me you had a great time." " Said you'd call me the next day." " I'm sure I meant to call." " I probably just lost your..." " Liar!" "Liar!" "You were never going to call me." "You thought you could waltz through life and never bump into me again." "But you were wrong, Jerry." "You were wrong." "What do you think?" "I'm some poor pathetic wretch?" " I didn't think that." " To be dismissed and ignored." "Some insignificant piece of dust?" "Some person who doesn't deserve respect and attention?" "Well, you're the one who doesn't deserve my respect and attention!" "You're the insignificant piece of dust!" "Actually, I never had any formal training." "I guess I'd be better suited for improvs or something..." "Thanks a lot." "Oh, bye." " Oh, I'm so sorry you have to go." " Yeah, I really have to be going." "All right, listen." "I've changed my mind." "I don't want the cable." " Jerry, don't be a fool." " You don't want?" "No, I don't want." "Tell me what I owe you for your trouble..." "Four hundred dollars." "Four hundred dollars." "You told me 150." "Oh, well..." "I'm going." "Obviously." "Oh, Leslie, I am so sorry about everything that went on here tonight." " I had no idea..." " Elaine I was watching you tonight, and I realized something." "You're just like you were in college." "Thank you." "What was I like in college?" "Come on, let's go." "Be right back." "I'm not paying $400." "I don't even want the thing." "What are you gonna do?" "Every woman on the face of the earth has complete control of my life and yet I want them all." "Is that irony?" "Why can't I meet a Kennedy?" "I saw John Jr. once downtown." "I was on a bus." "I hit the ding." "It didn't stop." "All right." "I said I had a good time and I'd call but who takes that literally?" "Hey, come on over." "Doctor Zhivago's on cable in five minutes." "I'm making popcorn!" "What do you do at the end of a date when you know you don't want to see this person ever again for the rest of your life?" "What do you say?" "What do you say?" "It doesn't..." "No matter what you say, it's a lie." ""I'll see you around." "See you around." "If you're around and I'm around I'll see you around that area." "You'll be around other people, you won't be around me but you will be around." "Take care now."" "You ever say that to somebody?" ""Take care now." "Take care... now." "Because I'm not gonna be taking care of you so you should take care now."" ""Take care, take care." What does that mean? "Take care."" ""Take off." Isn't that what you really wanna say?" ""Take off now." "Get out of here."" "Subtitles by SDI Media Group" "I hate clothes, okay?" "I hate buying them." "I hate picking them out of my closet." "I can't stand every day trying to come up with little outfits for myself." "I think eventually fashion won't even exist." "We'll all be wearing the same thing." "Because any time I see a movie or a TV show where there's people from the future they're all wearing the same thing." "Somehow they decided, "This is going to be our outfit."" "One-piece silver jumpsuit, V-stripe and boots." "That's it." "We should come up with an outfit for Earth." "An Earth outfit." "We should vote on it." "Candidates propose different outfits." "No speeches." "They walk out, twirl, walk off." "We just sit in the audience and go, "That was nice." "I could wear that."" " I think I've seen enough." " I might have something in the back." "The back?" "They never find anything in the back." "If they had anything good, they'd put it in the front." "Why don't they open an entire store for the back?" "Call it "Just Back."" "All back." "No front." "You walk in the front, you're immediately in the back." "Look, Elaine." "Tie carwash." " I just read that." "That's terrific." " Her father wrote that." " Alton Benes is your father?" " Yeah." "I always felt he deserved a wider audience." "I'm not so sure he wants one." "Hey, don't forget Sunday, okay?" "You and George are coming, right?" "Hotel Westbury, 8:00." "Yeah, I guess I'm coming." "I mean..." " What, you don't wanna go now?" " No, I'll go." "I'm going." "No, Jerry, you have to." "I need a buffer." "I haven't seen my father in a while, and, you know, it's..." "I'm worried I won't be able talk to him." "He's such a great writer." "Frankly, I prefer the company of nitwits." "So that's why we're not together anymore." "What is this?" "This is beautiful." "These jackets never fit me right." "Try it on." "Wow." "This is soft suede." "This may be the most perfect jacket I have ever put on." " How much is it?" " Oh, my God." "Bad?" " Very bad?" " You have no idea." " I have some idea." " No idea." " I've got a ballpark." " There's no park and the team has relocated." "Let me see that." "That is high." "Oh, man, that is a beautiful jacket, though." "What's with the pink lining with the candy stripes?" "It's just lining." "You can always have it changed." "Should I get it?" "I hate these moments." "I'm hearing the dual voices now, you know?" ""What about the money?" "What's money?"" "It looks wonderful on you." " Hey." " Hey." "New jacket." " What do you think?" " It's beautiful." " Is it me?" " That's definitely you." " Really?" " That's more you than you've ever been." " What is with the pink lining?" " I don't know." "It's got a pink lining." " So, what'd you pay for this?" " I paid what it costs." " How much?" " What's the difference?" " You're not gonna tell me?" " I'd rather not say out loud." "It's embarrassing." " Over 300?" " Yes." "But let's just stop it right there." " It's over 400." " I'm really not answering anymore." " Is it over 400?" " Would you...?" "Whoa, Nelson." "I know." "I know." "What are you gonna do with the leather one?" "I don't know." "Are you gonna wear it?" " I don't know, maybe." " Well, you're not gonna wear this." "Do you want it?" "Yeah, okay, I'll take it." "I like that jacket." " Okay, take it." " Hey." "Good karma for you." "Oh, baby." "What is that song?" "It's from Les Misérables." "I went to see it last week." "I can't get it out of my head." "I just keep singing it over and over." "It just comes out." "I have no control over it." "I'm singing it on elevators, buses." "Singing in front of clients." "It's taking over my life." "You know, Schumann went mad from that." "Artie Schumann from Camp Hatchapee?" " No, you idiot." " What are you, Bud Abbott?" "What are you calling me an idiot for?" "You don't know Robert Schumann, the composer?" "Oh, Schumann." "Of course." "He went crazy from one note." "Couldn't get it out of his head." "I think it was an A. He kept repeating it over and over again." "He had to be institutionalised." "Really?" "Well, what if it doesn't stop?" "Oh, that I really needed to hear." "That helps a lot." "All right, just say something." "Just start talking." "Change the subject." "Let's just go, all right?" "I can't believe we're having dinner with Alton Benes." "I know exactly what's gonna happen." "I'm gonna try and act like I'm not impressed." " He'll see right through it." " He'll look at us like he's backstage at a puppet show." "Let me just get my jacket." "This is huge." " When did this happen?" " Wednesday." "This jacket has completely changed my life." "When I leave the house in this it's with a whole different confidence." "Like, tonight I might've been a little nervous, but inside this jacket I am composed, grounded, secure that I can meet any social challenge." "Can I say one thing to you?" "And I say this with an unblemished record of staunch heterosexuality." "Absolutely." "It's fabulous." " I know." " And I'll tell you something else I'm not even gonna ask you." "I wanna know, but I'm not gonna ask." "You'll tell me when you feel comfortable." "So, what was it, 400?" "Five hundred?" "Did you pay 500 for this?" "Over 6?" "Can't be 7." "Don't tell me you paid $700 for this jacket." "Did you pay $700 for this jacket?" "Is that what you're saying to me?" "You are sick!" "Is that what you paid for this jacket?" "Over 700?" "!" "What did you pay for this jacket?" "I won't say anything." "I wanna know what you paid for this jacket." "Oh, my God!" "A thousand dollars?" "!" "You paid $1000 for this jacket." "All right." "I'm walking out of here right now thinking you paid $1000 for this jacket unless you tell me different." "All right, I'll tell you what." "If you don't say anything in five seconds, I'll know it was over 1000." "Hey." "Hey, will you do me a solid?" " What kind of solid?" " Sit in the car for two minutes while it's double-parked." "I gotta pick up some birds." " Birds?" " A friend of mine, he's a magician." "He's away on vacation." "He asked me to take care of his doves." " So take a cab." " They won't take a cage full of birds." "I can't." "I'm on my way out." "There's no way I can do it." " George, do me a solid." "Two minutes." " Well, I'm going with him." "I'd like to." "I've never done a solid before." "All right." "I'll..." "Yeah." "All right." "Have a good one." "Two minutes." "Believe me, I know his two minutes." "By his conception of time, his life will last over 2000 years." "Schumann." "Where are they?" "Maybe he didn't show up." "What, you don't wanna do this?" "There's never been an appointment in my life where I wanted the other guy to show up." "Wait a second." "Is that him?" "Yeah." "I think it is." "Where's Elaine?" "I'm nervous." " Excuse me, Mr. Benes." " Yeah." "I'm Jerry, Elaine's friend." "This is George." "It's a great thrill to meet you, sir." "Sit down." " Want a drink?" " Sure." " What'll you have?" " Cranberry juice with two limes." "And I'll have a club soda with no ice." "I'll have another scotch with plenty of ice." "You like ice." " I say, do you like ice?" " Like it?" "Don't you find that you get more without it?" " Where's Elaine?" " Well, we thought she was meeting you earlier." "She's usually pretty punctual." "Don't you find that, George?" "Yeah." "Yeah, she's punctual, and she's been late sometimes." "Yeah, yeah." "Sometimes she's on time and sometimes she's late." "I guess today she's late." "It appears that way." " Yep." " Yep." " Looks like rain." " I know." "I know." "That's what they said." " Who said?" " The weather guy, Dr. Waldo." "I don't need anybody to tell me it's gonna rain." "Oh, no." "Of course not. I..." "All I have to do is stick my head out the window." "Which one's supposed to be the funny guy?" " Oh, he's the comedian." " I'm just a regular person." "No, no." "He's just being modest." "We had a funny guy with us in Korea." "A tail gunner." "They blew his brains out all over the Pacific." "There's nothing funny about that." "Would you excuse me?" "I'm gonna go to the bathroom." "I'll be right back." "I just wanted to tell you that I really enjoyed Fair Game." "I thought it was just brilliant." "Drivel." "Yeah, maybe some parts." "What parts?" "The drivel parts." "Oh, my gosh." "I just realized I have to make a phone call." "I can't believe..." "Would you...?" "I'll be right back." "Thank you for leaving me alone with him." "That was brutal." "I can't go back out there." " Well, let's just leave." " Elaine will kill me." " Where is she?" " She's gotta be here soon." "How could she leave us alone with this lunatic?" "Ten more minutes, and that's it, I'm leaving." "I have to tell you, this guy scares me." "The waiter was trembling." "We can't possibly have dinner with him alone." " How we gonna get out of it?" " We say we're frightened and we have to go home." "Yeah, that's good." "He'd clunk our heads together like Moe." "I don't know." "Just start scratching." "Tell him you have the crabs." "He was in the military." "He'll understand that." "All fathers are intimidating." "They're intimidating because they are fathers." "Once a man has children, for the rest of his life his attitude is:" ""The hell with the world, I can make my own people." "I'll eat whatever I want." "I'll wear whatever I want and I'll create whoever I want."" "Who'd you call?" "My uncle is having an operation." "I just wanted to see how he was." "What kind of an operation?" "Bone marrow." " Mr. Benes?" " Yeah." "Message for you." "From Elaine." "She got tied up." "She'll be here in 30 minutes." "Yeah, they should have taken care of Castro when they had the chance." "Like we did in Guatemala in '53." " Well, Guatemala..." " Sure." "Guatemala." "All right." "You boys get yourselves together." "We'll head up to the restaurant." "I'll leave a note for Elaine." "I'm going to the bathroom." " Let's go." " What about Elaine?" " Hell with Elaine." " She'll be furious." "We're dying here!" "That's her." "She's here." "I'm sorry." "I'm so sorry." "Where is Dad?" "He's in the bathroom." "Where have you been?" "Kramer." "That Kramer." "I'm just about to leave, he calls me up." "He begs me to sit in his car for two minutes so he can pick up these birds." "Oh, you didn't." "Well, he said he'd drive me here right after." "So I am sitting in his car for 20 minutes!" "He doesn't come down." "I am freezing." "Then a cop comes by." "Tells me to get out of the car." "He's a city marshal." "He's towing the car away." "Kramer owes thousands of dollars in back tickets." "He was gonna tow it with me in the car." "So they tow the car." "Now I am standing outside and I am freezing, but I cannot leave because I gotta tell him what happened to the car." "So finally, finally, he comes down with this giant cage filled with doves." "He said he was getting instructions, that each dove has a different diet." "So we're wandering around, trying to get a cab when two of these doves fly out." "Now we're running after these doves." "I almost got hit by a bus." "So how is everything going over here?" " Great." " Couldn't be better." "Good, because Dad can make some people a little uncomfortable." " Oh, no." " Get out of here." "Man, Kramer." "I could kill him." "You know better than to get involved with Kramer." " He said he'd give me a lift." " The lift." "Like the lure of the Siren's song." "Never what it seems to be." "Yet who among us can resist?" "Where do you come up with this stuff?" " Well, look who's here." " Oh, hi, Dad." "Hello, dear." " Who's the lipstick for?" " No one." " How's your mother?" " Fine." "How about you, are you working?" "Yeah." "I'm reading manuscripts for Pendant Publishing." "I told you 10 times." "Pendant?" "Those bastards." "Well, all right, boys." "We'll go to that Pakistani restaurant on 46th Street." "You're not afraid of a little spice, are you?" "Pipe down, chorus boy." "Chorus boy?" "It's snowing." "It's beautiful." "Snow?" "Snow, that can't be good for suede, can it?" "I wouldn't think so." "What should I do?" "We're taking a cab, aren't we?" "Cab?" "It's only five blocks." " Why don't you turn it inside out?" " Inside out." "Great." "Wait a minute." " What the hell do you call this?" " I turned my jacket inside out." "Well, you look like a damn fool." "Well, it's a new suede jacket." "It might get ruined." "Well, you're not walking with me and my daughter dressed like that." "That's for damn sure." "It's..." "It's only a few blocks." " Elaine?" " Yeah." "Come on up." " Hey." " Hey." " I gotta feed the birds." " So?" "You got any of those Mini Ritzes?" "I can't believe that I do." " What, are you going out?" " Yeah." "Hey, where's your new jacket?" " Oh, what'd you do to it?" " I was out in the snow last night." "Don't you know what that does to suede?" "I have an idea." "We can make the 9:30 at Cinema Three." "Okay." "Hello." "Thanks again for coming last night." "Dad said he had a great time." " Is he still in town?" " He's driving back to Maryland tonight." "So, what are you gonna do with that one now?" " I don't know." " Well..." "I didn't wanna tell you this, but usually he hates everyone." "Really?" " You gonna throw this out?" " Well, I can't wear it." "Yeah, he liked you, though." "Said you reminded him of somebody he knew in Korea." "Well, if you're just gonna throw it out, you know, I could take it." "Yeah." "Go ahead." "Take it." "Dad thinks George is gay." "Oh, because of all the singing?" "No." "He pretty much thinks everyone is gay." "See, I like it like this." "Isn't that...?" "Is this from the snow last night?" "You know what you should have done?" "You should have turned it inside out." "I'll try and remember that." "Boy, it's too bad you gave me this one too." "Yeah." "Too bad." "Gonna have to do something about this lining." "I had a leather jacket that got ruined." "Now, why does moisture ruin leather?" "I don't get this." "Aren't cows outside most of the time?" "I don't understand." "When it's raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse:" ""Let us in." "We're all wearing leather!" "Open the door." "We're gonna ruin the whole outfit here."" ""Is it suede?" "I am suede." "The whole thing is suede." "I can't have this cleaned." "It's all I got."" "Subtitles by SDI Media Group"