"I want to fuck you." "Dammit." "We gotta go pickup JD like 20 minutes ago." "Just let me finish this, ok!" "Ah shit!" "What the hell is this?" "!" "Fucking gooks." "Hey!" "Learn to drive asshole." "The fuck is that!" "?" "Here's Johnny!" "Where the fuck are you guys?" "I know shit from nothing in this ape-hole." "Enhance your calm JD." "We'll be there in a jiff." "NO!" "I don't want any suit." "And you, stop pointing that at me!" "Stupid Arabs nagging me about suits and gooks are filming my sweat stains." "What did you say?" "I wouldn't know, probably less important." "Seriously smells like a meat factory, I need to get out now!" "You should book the next flight home then." "Just come get me, I already hate this place." "I need to get drunk." "And laid." "That would be hard not to achieve where we're going." "We'll talk more in a few minutes." "Ah yeah!" "That's what I'm talking about!" "What is that like, 5 dollars or something?" "Man, where are all the chicks?" "Calling me in the middle of the night..." "And somehow she gets in front!" "Yeah!" "So?" "Gordon Cheapman!" "It's a Gordon Goldman, but that's ok." "MORE!" "Hey-hey-hey, how are you?" "Which one of the village people are you?" "Hey the guitar eh!" "See I can play this..." "You've been texting that bitch all day." "Stop it or I'll bury you alive in a fucking sandbox." "I'm just gonna take this important call from another phone." "I'll take this then." " Hello?" " Who is he talking to?" " Doesn't work man." " Why are you always like that?" " Like what?" " Like that!" " Like what?" "Like that!" "Lipo vodka, can't drink that shit." "Yeah, soon time, soon time..." " What the fuck is the matter with you?" "You are acting like a total jerk." "You should wear pajamas instead of that shirt." "You're embarrassing me." "We're representing the finest people here." "And you are looking like a total jerk." "Yeah sure..." "We didn't even film it!" "How much?" "How much?" "I can't hear this low to the ground!" "Why so many?" "Why so many?" "!" "Geez..." "Explode bang!" "You again!" " Hey, are you gonna have a drink?" " The ear!" "You hit me in the ear!" "Rambo!" "Actually I look like shit... rednecks." "Find anything you like?" "I'm familiar..." "I'm a celebrity, you know?" "Have you ever seen TV?" "It sucks!" " Hello welcome!" " Darling!" "You want lady take care?" "Let's say we go home and fuck some chicks!" "You know like chicken shit chicks!" "And I know you need to fuck some chicks!" "How about her?" "Wakey wakey you fat fuck!" "Come on JD, we're going to the beach." "We got a secret map and everything!" "Oh sweet baby Mary!" "And I thought the sun in Thailand was bright." "You can't wear that." "You look like a fucking tourist." "But I am a tourist." "Just because you are a tourist doesn't mean you have to look like one." "Yeah, only a hairy leather-wearing fag would wear a tank-top." " Thank God you don't have a beard." " But we're going to the beach?" "That we are my friend." "But even at the beach you wanna look good, you don't wanna look like an ass." "So fuck off and change." "Normal clothes." "Like us." "Repair!" "And change your goddamn clothes." "The sun never did work well with my skin anyway." "Thai-people are so small." "Especially small Thai-girls." "It looks like they are 15 or 12." "But damn they're good to fuck." "How did you get it in there JD?" "She looked like she was 15." "Her pussy gotta be small." "Her ID did say 18." "Of course it did." "That's the minimum age of working in a bar." "I knew a girl who was like 18 for 3 years." "But her ID was fake for sure." "But the hotel doesn't care." "Because as long as you pay for the room they don't mind anything." "Having sex with children is a crime." "Remember that." "Only if you get caught!" " Anyway, how was she?" "Mine was excellent." " Of course she was, you fuck her every time we come here." "It's like you're fucking married or something." "Then we wouldn't be having sex now would we?" "What about you JD?" "You look awfully quiet." "What happen?" "You fuck your pants or something?" "Nah, it's just ah..." "Hey man, what happens in Pattaya stays in Pattaya." "You can tell us." "I really wanted to fuck her." "But when I couldn't get it up, she never stopped laughing." "She kept pointing at my dick." "Making gestures like it was some kinda limp horse that should have been put to sleep." "You didn't even wait for the morning wood?" "What the hell man!" "How much did you pay her?" "One thousand, like you told me." "I never told you to pay for something you don't get." "If people paid me for all the things I didn't do, I'd be rich." "I never do anything!" "Never mind." "A thousand baht, what's that like?" "A milkshake back home?" "I can afford it." "How could you afford that?" "You just lost your job." "How did you lose your job?" "I really didn't understand that." "That asshole said I was surplussed." "If he wanted a euphemism he should have said sodomized." "He fucking replaced me with a computer." "What was your work?" "Probability analyzer." "That does sound like something I'd use my PC for." "But a program can never prepare for unforeseen consequences, Gordon." "It will never see the most logical outcome of every situation." "It takes years of training and studying to know what just might happen." "And yet you paid for sex you didn't have." "Can't you guys just give me a job?" "Wait a minute." "What do you do down here?" "Whenever somebody has more money than they already need, whenever somebody has everything they already want..." "They start requesting questionable things." "And we, we provide those things." "Ah, very nice." "Now let's see Gordon's card." "If you get lost, this is all you'll ever need." "Ahh, tasteful thickness." "Give my card to any taxi driver in Thailand and he'll drive you straight to our office." "So... the business any good?" "How much money are you making?" "Well, it's good, but not great." "At least we're making a living." "We should be making a killing that's what we should." "Fucking land of the apes!" "Hooo yeah!" "I'm gonna go fuck her in the water." "And then we seriously need to buy some Viagra for Mr. Limp Dick over here." "Taste like shit!" "Fuck it, I'll do her live!" "I need pussy and I need it now!" "Ah, I need a new shirt." "This is soaking!" "Hello Gordon." "Hello Johnny!" " Hi Jen!" "Who is the sweaty new guy?" "This is JD." "JD this is Jen." " Nice to meet you Jai Dee." "What would you like to drink?" "Jack on the rock!" "Three jack on the rock, right?" "Yeah." "Mmm, yeah ok, as long as you pay for it." "Ok, coming right up." "She can speak English?" "I didn't think anyone could in this La La Land." "I thought you said they were all monkeys?" "They are all monkeys, right Jen?" "You know Jai Dee, in Thai that means good heart." "It's a JD, but that's ok." " You wanna play pool?" " Maybe later" "Okay." "Have you ever been to Isan?" "It sucks!" "Like the roads are fucking dusty and everything." "One time I went there with my cousin he told me they have this huge boat and everything, you know?" "And we went to the boat and the boat is like a fucking bunch of wood." "It's nothing." "You sit inside and it's nothing." "And everybody sit on the floor, not a fucking chair." "And we paid money for that." "And anyway, when you get off the boat they want to give the what is the girl, the Isan-girl, just to speak about the Isan-girl." "You know, all they want is your money." "Everywhere you go, everybody is like "Hey hey farang", they love you." "They can do the act for you." "They do the act for two years, three years they can do the act." "Until you give them enough money." "And then they throw you away." "And they start again, they go back to Pattaya." "If you want a girl you should pick someone who has her own job, has education, something like that." "Because if you pick someone from Isan, you know what would happen?" "You'll get bankrupt." "You'll get fucked." "You will end up back in your country with no money, you sold your house, you should your car, everything." "And you will end up like scratch, like you are 50 year old but you're back to scratch like you're 16." "That's why you should get a girl from Bangkok, right?" "Why would I want a girlfriend in Thailand?" "You just lost your job." "Take the midlife crisis now, while it's still fun." "Nobody likes those old perverts rampaging on little girls." "Or little boys, Gordon." "Fuck you, fuck you very much Johnny." "At least I don't have a secret basement." "Hello?" "I just gotta take this, ok?" "Yeah?" "What phone is that?" "Nokia N95." "State of the art." "I can see where I am at any given time, in any fucking country." "Unless you run out of battery." "Then I just charge my phone with an onion and a Gatorade." "I saw this shit on YouTube once." "Just let me find it for you here." "What kind of phone do you have, JD?" "It's some kinda cheap Nokia." "But it's got bluish lights though." "Take a look at this." "This is the fucking... this is fucking cool man." "Have you ever seen this?" "Two girls and one cup?" "No, I don't think I have." "Let me look at your telephone." "Yeah whatever man." " What do you mean speed up the production?" "You tell him I'll be back in a few days." "Five days tops." "I'll see what I can do." "We can't rush a production like this, the quality control will drop." "Just handle him, ok!" "Goodbye!" "Dammit." "Fuck!" "Dammit!" "PATTAYA!" "Jenny, one more round!" "Ok hard drinkers, let's drink hard!" "Johnny's buying!" "Woo!" "Man I love this song." "I seriously gotta dance!" "The audience loves it." " Ah well fuck it, let's boogie." "Hey, camera any good on this phone?" "So, how many do I take?" "I normally take two." "I bet Marvin would take seven." "Who's Marvin?" "Never mind him." "If this is your first time, I think one is enough." "Why so awful?" "!" "Why aren't we taking pills like Hugh Hefner?" "I think in the end, it'd be better if you have it." " What, did you want some?" " I want you." "Hmmm, I got bigger boobs than you." "What the hell?" "Who are you?" "Where are you going?" "What the hell, I heard..." "The fuck!" "What happened?" "How the hell should I know?" "Some pervert was in the closet filming me with a phone." "That's gonna be some funny shit on YouTube." "Where did he go?" "Where did the girl go?" "The guy is running off with a broken nose though." "So where's the girl?" "Don't know." "She ran off." "Nice ass though." "Goddammit, I god a 10 inch boner here!" "Who the heck am I gonna fuck now?" "This is Pattaya you can just go to find another girl." "Ah, that reminds me." "My monkey is still in my bed waiting for a second round." "There's no point in wanking around here then." "Fucking Viagra!" " Geez mates." "I just get one pizza." "Just one slice of..." " Shut up, sit down." "Yeah that's right, still got your phone man." "Ah yeah." "I really really need to get laid tonight." "I know a good place, where you'll get proper fucked tonight." "What the hell man?" "She's a he." "He's a she." "They've got..." "That's clearly wrong." "They're even bigger than mine." "Chicks with dicks guys!" "Hilarious, yeah!" "Don't you fucking look at me!" "What?" "They give awesome head!" "Wow, what's with the outfit?" "Gotta go to a meeting." "Meeting?" "What do you mean a meeting?" "We're hitting the bars right?" "No, important client just called and said he had to meet with us now, ...and if we didn't he'd consider other people." "Can't he wait?" "Money never sleeps." "And it definitely never waits." "So, you're just leaving me alone here then?" "Hey, it's Pattaya, you'll be fine." "We'll call you tomorrow after the meeting is over." "I guess." "Hey, there's some vodka in my room if you want it." "Have fun!" "Can I have one more?" "Give me one more." "Hey, don't destroy it." "Is everything ready for the meeting?" "Anything I should know about before we get there?" "You read his email right?" "Yeah..." "I guess it's the same as usual." "He wants it cheaper and faster." "Why can't he be more like a whorist?" "I bet JD is having the time of his life." "No thanks, I'm ok." "What the!" "?" "Where the fuck am I?" "I don't understand." "Where am I?" "I don't understand Thai." "How did I get here?" "Who the fuck are you?" "Fucking farang!" "Bwaff!" "Nice, I bet they all say "You're here!"" "Ah great, signs!" "Now I know where I am." "I'm here." "Someone's gonna pay for making me read those freaking signs." "Perfect." "A sign that said "You Are Here" would be pushing it." "I guess that one says "Welcome to the Jungle!"" "Looks like I walked off the map." "Fuck you." "Ahh, it's to 7-Eleven!" "Good thing I read graffiti." "I guess that one says "Norske Meierier"." "Now's where my master in Thai comes in handy." "Good news anyone." "Now that's just a bad sign." "Here I am." "Where's that?" "I guess I'll end up in Rome anyway." "If that's anywhere, that's gotta be nowhere." "And where's that, everywhere?" "Good thing I have the time." "My GPS says "You're lost!"" "How much?" "What the..." "Yeah right, all I'll ever need." "Where the fuck is my money?" "Where the hell are my credit cards?" "What did I do last night?" "Can I have this coke for free?" "You see I'm lost and I have no idea where I am." "I have no money." "Please?" "Wait, I'll trade you for it, ok?" "I'll trade you for it." "What?" "My watch?" "It's fucking expensive." "It's not a retirement gift for a four-fingered psycho." "I'm not giving you my watch!" "Fucking bitch!" "What is all this crap?" "Soylent Thai?" "He's a fucking Hindu cow." "Wow, that's really worth my gold watch." "Gordon?" "Hello?" "I'm lost, ok." "You hear me?" "I need your help getting back." "You hear me?" "Fuck." "Where the hell am I?" "WARM!" "HEY!" "Oh!" "Do you speak English?" "No no no." "Umm." "Ok?" "Where is this?" "What's the name of this place?" "Bangkok." "Pattaya." "Ever heard of Bangkok?" "I want to go to Bangkok." "Do you understand Bangkok?" "Big bada boom." "Did you say Isan?" "I'm in Isan?" "How did I get here?" "How would you even know?" "Goddammit." "Planet of the Apes." "Tim Burton style apparently." "Hell yeah!" "This heat is killing me." "What is this?" "Gasoline?" "One would think that's hard to come by in this wasteland." "The taste isn't going away." "Do you have some chewing gum?" "Some... some food or something?" "Hell no, I'm not eating that shit." "Probably didn't have to swallow all that." "What is that?" "Whisky?" "More like fucking diesel." "Ah yeah, can you drive me to 7-Eleven?" " 7-Eleven, yeah yeah..." " Yeah!" "Maybe you should call JD, just to see if he's ok." "Good idea." "He isn't answering." "7-Eleven?" "Hey!" "Humph." "Welcome to Thailand!" "Hey, you speak English!" "I don't understand Thai." "I really don't understand what you're saying." "Yeah yeah yeah." "Stop touching me, please." "Ok?" "Can you stop touching me?" "Ok, stop touching me!" "Stop fucking touching me!" "Fuck you!" "No... fuck you." "What does he want?" "Expand the production." "That's gonna cost a whole lot more." "What is he, insane?" "Japanese." "What do you think, Porn?" "Does he mean all the way?" "Down to fatality." "SHUT UP!" "SHUT UP!" "SHUT UP!" "How useful." "Timing really is everything!" "Please don't shoot me." "No you stupid bastard, breathe!" "I didn't mean to shoot you." "Breathe!" "Goddammit!" "It was an accident!" "I didn't mean to fucking kill him." "And mixed with AIDS-infected monkey blood." "Nicely." "9 people with 9 guns." "Stop barking." "They have average 12 bullets in each gun." "That's 108 bullets." "I have Desert Eagle, minus 2 that's 5." "Ah, the odds are on my side." "Don't try this at home." "Fuck you, you fucking monkeys!" "Work goddammit." "Yess!" "Pickup pickup pickup!" "It's JD." "Goldman speaking." "Gordon, you gotta help me!" "Hello?" "JD?" "I can't hear you." "I'm in a meeting, I'll call you back later, ok?" "Hello, JD?" "Come to Thailand, let's get together, have a few laughs." "I'm not sure that we can pull this off in such a short timeframe." "I'm not even sure what this will cost." "Mr. Walker, money is not an issue." "You'll provide Mr. Suntory with what he requires." "And when he wants more you'll give him more." "This is not a negotiation Mr. Walker." "This is what Mr. Suntory demands." "And if you can't meet the demands you should reconsider your area of expertise." "That's some hardcore plant shit." "This'll crank me up." "I thought you guys used chopsticks." "I don't speak Thai." "Your mother is from Thailand." "Enough is enough!" "I've had it with these motherfucking monkeys in this motherfucking jungle!" "Get out." "Where's Bangkok?" "Bangkok?" "Fuck dick?" "What kind of stupid name is that?" "I lost the signal." "You got him on the iTracker?" "No I don't." "I don't have him on fucking iTracker." "What?" "!" "This shit isn't even fucking working." "Are you sure you charged the battery before you gave it back?" "Try Google Earth search?" "Google Earth does not have live feed over Thailand." "Stop giving me fucking problems." "Give me solutions!" "You're right." "We can't afford to lose him like this." "You're like fucking cockroaches." "Missed me!" "Now what do we do?" "I don't know." "Maybe we should call the helicopter?" "Yeah!" "I do not deserve this!" "Now what?" "If you want your friend to hear you you got a talk a lot louder than that." "HEY!" "Go go go!" "No, just drive." "Oh wait, I have Gordon's card." "You can drive there?" "A one-way ticket to Thailand: 900 dollars" "A non-gay cocktail: 5 dollars" "A genuine Cuban cigar: 43 dollars" "A hooker in Pattaya: 40 dollars" "A hotel room for the night: 21 dollars" "Shooting gooks with akimbo Colt.45:" "Priceless!" "For everything else there's Alpha Consumer Card." "We should have put more people on each level." "Would have been more fun." "Next season." "Maybe a change of scenery." "How about Mexico?" "Same temperature." "Same low-life people." "Not a bad idea." "We could work there for years." "Great view." "I can see my house from here." " Any sign of him?" " No, nothing yet Goldman." "Suntory on the way?" "I don't know, I will check." "Yes, he's coming through security right now." "We should install an elevator." "We should install an office!" "Give me the phone." "Can you hear me now?" "Surprise-surprise!" "Like our new office?" "We're on top floor by the way." "Nice view!" "You should see it sometime." "I'm coming." "Take the elevator up." "It'll bring you straight up to us." "Have any problems with security, just give them my card." "JD?" "JD?" "Hello?" "Pick a card." "Pick any card." "What?" "Hey!" "Goddamn amateur moviemakers!" "Your security guards wouldn't let me in." "I had to correct them." "JD, our man of the hour!" "You look pissed JD." "Believe me, you got all the right to be." "But hey, just let me explain." "This is television." "That's all it is." "It's not about people." "It's about the ratings." "Television?" "!" "You're the latest constant on our new hit TV-show in Japan." "Constant Goldie?" "Don't you mean contestant?" "I'm not some constant in a probability equation." "I think you mean contestant you illiterate bastard!" "Um, right." "Where was I?" "Where we push people into the extreme throwing them into environments they wouldn't encounter in normal life." "This is top of the hill reality TV!" "Doesn't get any more real than this." "You did all this?" "You did all this to me?" "We didn't do anything." "We just put the elements together and the show creates itself." "So basically, we didn't do anything." "You killed everyone, we didn't." "So technically, you're the bad guy." "But it's ok." "We'll fix it." " We fix everything." " We even got you fired." "You got me fired?" "!" "Yeah, how else where we gonna get you down here in such a short notice." "You planned all this from the start?" "Everything?" "None of that's gonna matter anymore, ok." "This is the best show yet." "Sponsors are going insane over the commercial spots." "With your share of the take you can retire and never analyze anything ever again." "I like analyzing stuff." "Guest appearances pay very good too." "And the test audience loves you." "So I wouldn't worry about the money." "Years of probability analyzing didn't foresee this, now did it?" "Cause in my world, I can buy, sell, trade..." "Every!" "The show is over!" "The show is fucking over!" "Not for me." "Not for you." "Not for him!" "Is anyone, anyone filming this?" "!" "When you're pushed, killing is less annoying than sweating." "It's no use Johnny." "I've already calculated our fight and I will win." "Get up!" "Think about the audience!" "They always want more!" "I'll give you one for free." "It's a sale, I get three for one!" "You're fat JD!" "One can always be fatter!" "You're hairy too JD!" "Right up your alley then, monkey lover!" "You want more?" "The audience wants more?" "You want more?" "I want more!" "You like analyzing?" "Analyze this!" "Analyze that!" "Johnny says bleed." "When Johnny says bleed, you say how much!" "Show's over, Johnny!" "Outstanding Gordon!" "Cut to commercial." " Medic!" " That's the spirit." "Damn, I'm totally screwed now." "Bite it." "Bite it!" "Smile Gordon, you're on TV!" "English subtitles by DANIEL DAHL"