"And now for something completely different." "Booming out of the pages of history comes a story of three men and one woman whose courage shocked a generation." "From the same team that brought you:" "Lawrence of Glamorgan" "Bridge over the river Trent" "The mad woman of Biggleswade" "And Krakatoa, east of Leamington comes the story of three people and a woman, who set out in search of the fabled pole of the sahara and found... themselves." "See lieutenant Scott's death struggle with a crazed desert lion." "See miss Evans pursued by the man-eating rolltop writing desk." "And now for something completely different." "It's..." "Well, that's the end of Monty Python's Flying Circus this week." "And now on BBC, its five past nine, and nearly time for six past nine." "Later this evening it will be nine thirty, and don't forget to tune in tomorrow night, when it will be seven o'clock." "For those of you who missed 8:45 on Friday, you'll be able to see it again this Friday, at a quarter to nine." "Meanwhile, here is a time check." "It's green and wobbly, and time for Face the Press." "Hello." "Tonight on "Face the press" we're going to examine two different views of contemporary things." "On my left, is the Minister for Home Affairs... who is wearing a striking organza dress in pink tulle, with matching pearls and a diamante collar necklace." "The shoes are in brushed pigskin with gold clasps, by Maxwell of Bond Street." "The hair is by Roger, and the whole ensemble is crowned by a spectacular display of Christmas orchids." "And on my right, putting the case against the government, is a small patch of brown liquid," "which could be creosote or some extract used in industrial varnishing." "Good evening." "Minister, may I put the first question to you?" "In your plan "A better Britain for us", you claimed that you would build 88 000 million billion houses a year in the Greater London area alone." "In fact, you've built only three in the last fifteen years." "Are you a bit disappointed with this result?" "No, no." "I'd like to answer this question, if I may, in two ways." "Firstly, in my normal voice, and then in a kind of silly high-pitched whine." "Well, while the Minister is answering this question," "I'd just like to point out the minister's dress has been made entirely by hand from over 300 pieces of Arabian shot silk especially threaded for the Minister by Vargar's, of Paris." "The low slim-line has been cut off-the-shoulder to heighten the effect of the minister's fine bone structure." "I think the minister is coming to the end of his answer now so let's go back over and join the discussion." "Thank you very much, Minister." "Today saw the appointment of a new head of..." " Don't I say any more?" " No fear!" "Today saw the appointment of a new Head of Allied Bomber Command." "Air Chief Marshal sir Vincent 'Kill the Japs' Forster." "He's in our Birmingham studio..." "Hello Sailors!" "Listen, guess what." "The Minister of Aviation has made me head of the RAF Ola Pola." "Hello." "Mrs. Rogers?" "No!" "Ooh, I must be in the wrong house!" "...and David Hockney has agreed finally to design the bombs." "He's going to come up with something really exciting for us." "And, best news of all..." "Ooh!" "That must be the man about the gas cooker." "Morning madam, we're from the gas board." "Oh at last, my cooker's not working." "Well can you come and mend it?" " What is it, a gas cooker?" " Oh yes." " Oh no, can't touch that." " No no, we're from the gas board." " You want maintenance." " Will they come and fix it?" " No, no, they don't come out." " Oh, can you fix it?" "No, we can't go round doing maintenance." " We haven't got the staff." " Not unless it's a special." " What's a special?" " That's a 2-7-6 or a 3-9-B." "Well, can't you phone somebody?" " Not on a Friday." " Well what can you do?" " You can try head office." " No, that's emergency only." "Look look, I've waited three months for you to come round." "I haven't been able to cook a meal since christmas." "This IS an emergency." "No, it's not." "No, no." "An emergency is contingent upon there being immediate danger to life." "Oh dear." "Mind you, we can..." "endanger your life for you." " Can you?" " Yeah, just lay down on the floor." " Oh well that's marvellous." " Right, Harry, get the pipes." "We'll soon have you asphyxiated, love." "Fill out the form TBE." "Oh that's lovely, thank you." "Don't mention it madam, all part of the service." "Get us a PBE, Charlie." " Rightho." "Get a PBE, Frank." "If you think this is fun, you should see the other channel!" "Yes boys, it's time once again for Conrad Poohs and his Dancing Teeth!" "I'm sorry, but I much prefer this channel." "Oh no, the other channel's far better!" "Good evening and welcome to It's The Arts." "Tonight, we bring you one of the most momentous events in recent British screen history." "The dramatic new interpretation of one of the world's best-known classics, and it is with great pride that It's The Arts now presents for you the Semaphore Version of Wuthering Heights." "From the pulsating pages of history, from the dark and furious days of Imperial Rome, we bring you a story that shattered the world!" "A tale so gripping that they said it could not be filmed." "A unique event in cinema history!" "Julius Caesar on an Aldis lamp!" "And now..." "The Exploding Version Of The Blue Danube!" "Well, that's all we have time for, so from It's The Arts, goodnight." "Cut!" "That's it!" "We're not about to allow this sort of smut to be shown onscreen!" "Hello, I've come about my newspaper bill." "Oh yes." "Mr. Rogers!" " Good morning." " Morning." "I've come about the newspaper bill." " Fine." "Would you like to come upstairs?" " Oh thank you." " Good." " I want to cancel the Guardian..." "Ah good morning, could I have a copy of The Times, please." " Certainly sir." " Thank you very much." "Good morning." "I'm sorry to have kept you waiting, but I'm afraid my walk has become rather sillier recently and so it takes me rather longer to get to work." "Now then, what was it again?" " Well sir, I have a silly walk, and I'd like to obtain a Government grant to help me develop it." " I see, may I see your silly walk?" " Yes certainly, yes." " Err that's it, is it?" " Yes that's it, yes." "It's not particulary silly, is it?" "I mean, the right leg isn't silly at all and the left leg merely does a forward aerial half turn every alternate step." "Yes, but I think that with Government backing I could make it very silly." "Mr Pudey, the very real problem is one of money." "I'm afraid that the Ministry of Silly Walks is no longer getting the kind of support it needs." "You see there's Defense, Social Security," "Health, Housing, Education, Silly Walks." "They're all supposed to get the same." "But last year, the Government spent less on the Ministry of Silly Walks than it did on National Defence." "Now we get £348 million a year, which is supposed to be spent on all our available products." " Coffee?" " Yes, please." "Mrs. Twolumps, would you bring us 2 coffees please?" "Yes, Mr. Teebag." "Out of her mind." "Now the Japanese have a man who can bend his leg back over his head and back again with every single step." "While the Israelis..." "Ah, here's the coffee." "Thank you, lovely." "You're really interested in silly walks, aren't you?" " Oh rather, yes." " Well take a look at this, then." "Mr Pudey, I'm not going to mince words with you." "I'm going to offer you a Research Fellowship on the Anglo-French silly walk." "La Marche Futile?" "Bonjour..." "Et maintenant comme d'habitude, au sujet du Le Marché Commun" "Et maintenant, je vous presente, encore une fois mon ami, le pouf célèbre, Jean-Brian Zatapathique." "Oh merci, mon petit chou-chou Brian Trubshawe." "Et maintenant avec le pied de droite, avec le pied de gauche, et maintenant I'Anglais-Française Marche Futile, et voilà!" "And now for something completely different." "Hello, good evening, and welcome to 'Blackmail'!" "And to start tonight's programme, we go North to Preston in Lancashire, and Mrs. Betty Teal!" "Hello, Mrs Teal!" "Now this is for £15 and it's to stop us revealing the name of your lover in Bolton." "So Mrs. Teal... if you send us £15 by return of post, please, and your husband Trevor, and your lovely children, Diane, Janice and Juliet need never know the name of your lover in Bolton." "And now... a letter..." "a hotel registration book... and a series of photographs which could add up to divorce, premature retirement, and possible criminal proceedings for a company director in Bromsgrove." "He's a freemason, and prospective Tory MP." "That's Mr S. of Bromsgrove... £3000 please, to stop us from revealing your name, the name of the three other people involved, the youth organization to which they belong, and the shop where you bought the equipment." "We'll be showing you more of that photograph later in the programme, unless we hear from Charles or Michael." "And now it's time for our 'Stop the Film' spot!" "The rules are very simple." "We have taken a film which contains." "compromising scenes and unpleasant details, which could wreck a man's career." "But, the victim may phone me at any point and stop the film." "But remember, the money increases as the film goes on." "The longer you leave it..." "the more you have to pay!" "So now, with the clock at £300 this week 'Stop the Film' visited Thames Ditton..." "Hello, sir, hello, yes." "No sir, no, I'm sure you didn't." "No it's all right sir, we don't morally censure you, we just want the money." "Yes, and here's the address to send it to:" "Blackmail Behind the hot water pipes" "Third washroom along Victoria Station" "...and the shop where he bought the equipment." "In Fulham this morning, a jeweller's shop was broken into and earrings to the value of £2000 stolen." "Police have issued this picture of a man they wish to interview." "The man is in his late 20s, wearing a charcoal grey suit, a white shirt, and a floral tie." "Will anyone who sees this man or can give any information about his whereabouts please contact their nearest police station." "Sport." "In the se..." "Ah, we've just heard that police have detained the man they wished to interview in connection with the jewel robbery." "But after questioning, police have ruled him out of their enquiries and released him." "They say, however, that acting on his information they now wish to interview a newsreader in the central London area." "Police are apparently concentrating their enquiries on the British Broadcasting Corporation." "Oh." "Excuse me a minute." "We understand a man is now helping police with their enquiries." "And that is the end of the news." "And now, Match of the Day." "I'm terribly sorry." "It's not, in fact, Match of the Day, it is, in fact, edited highlights of tonight's romantic movie." "Sorry." "Oh, I'm sorry, on BBC 2 now, Joan Bakewell will be talking to Michael Dean about what makes exciting television." "Sorry about all that." "And now, back to the romantic movie." " Oh, Bevis." " Oh, Elspeth." " Oh, Bevis." " Oh, Elspeth." " Oh, Bevis." " Oh, Elspeth." "Oh, be gentle with me..." "And now for something completely different." "Subtitles by Spiny Norman" "1929." "Stanley Baldwin's Conservative Government is defeated and Ramsay MacDonald becomes, for the second time, Prime Minister of England." "My, it's hot in here."