"Dad." "Dad." "Honey, it's 3:30." "You know your father doesn't get home until 6:00." "Right." "You know after a hard day at work," "I need 30 minutes to go through the mail." "So, what's on your mind, sport?" "I signed us up for a father-son bike race." "Well, that sounds like fun." "I bought us matching Lycra bike pants." "Smalls." "We're going to look like we got poured into these." "I'm sorry, Steve, I can't do it." "What?" "Why not?" " Little Danny Caulfield." " Who's Danny...?" " My dead best friend!" " Oh, my God." "We rode our bikes everywhere." "One day I was showboating down by the railroad tracks, popping wheelies." ""Wheelie popping" we used to call it." "I was like, "Hey, Danny, look at me"." "And you know what Danny did?" "He looked at me." "He looked at me for so long he didn't see that dry cleaning van." "Next thing I knew, the handlebars of his Huffy were where his lungs were supposed to be." "Every time he'd breathe, you'd hear a little "ring, ring"." "It was cute until it got annoying." "Roger, give me a Coke." " You got it..." "Diet Coke." " I didn't say "diet."" "No, but your thighs did." "I heard you walking a mile away." ""Here comes Hayley, here comes Hayley."" "Roger, I'm screwed." "I put off getting an internship for my business class and now I only have a week left." "Well, why don't you intern here at my bar?" "I need to have this form signed by the owner of a real business." "This is a real business." "To wit." "It's filled with fingernail clippings." "I mix 'em in with the wasabi peas." "No one notices." "I also have a business license." "Probably should have started with that." "Well, I guess this could work." "I just don't want to flunk out of junior college." "Why?" "I think you'd make a wonderful pharmaceutical sales rep." "God bless it!" "So you don't know how to ride a bike." "Why didn't you just say so?" "Because it's embarrassing." "It was my father's job to teach me, but no, he had more important stuff to do." "Daddy, will you teach me how to ride this bike?" "I'm in a meeting." "I've kept this stupid bike all these years." "Now it's a neglected, rusty mess, just like my relationship with dad." "This bike is a perfect metaphor." "The streamers are my tears." "Well, you can still learn to ride a bike." "I've tried, Francine, but every time I get on one," "I get so mad at my dad, I lose my concentration and fall." "Sounds like your father issues are giving you some kind of a mental block." "A mental block?" "Yeah, like me and spumoni." "I know it's tri-colored ice cream, but it sounds like pasta, and I can't get around that." "I mean, my situation's hopeless, but you can talk to your dad." "Good idea." "I'll just call him right now." "Wait, I can't because I don't know where he is because he's a grifter who doesn't care about me and never did." "I never want to see him again." " But, Stan..." " Francine, I don't need him." "I can learn to ride a bike myself." "Oh, my God, I had a freshly sharpened pencil in my pocket." "Shot of bourbon." "Name's Tommy Calhoun, attorney-at-law." "Call me Tommy." "Mr. Calhoun was my daddy." "And Mr. Epstein was my granddaddy." "They changed it to hide the Jewish." "I've got better things to do than serve you drinks while you play dress-up." "Oh, indeed, you do." "Roger told me to tell you to clean the rat feces out of the air vents and then remove the rats that had made said feces." " I'm not going to do that." " You will if you want that internship form signed." " Roger, you can't..." " Hayley, it's Roger." "If you want your form signed, you're going to have to play along." "Fine, Mr. Calhoun." "I'll get right on it." "Great, and after that you can clean my pants up 'cause I just Mr. Belvedered myself." "Google it." "Thanks a lot, Dad." "Hi, Steve." "You're in jail?" "Well, tell Toshi to tag you and get you out." "Oh, real jail?" "Don't let anyone tag you!" " Steve, what did you do?" "!" " Relax, Dad, I'm not in trouble." "I'm just visiting." "Look, I'm sorry I lied, but there's someone you need to talk to." "Hello, son." "Dad, don't be mad." "I heard you tell Mom you didn't know where Grandpa was, so I used the Internet to find him." "I also found a recipe for pumpkin flan that will melt in your mouth." "I'll melt in yourmouth." "I'm sorry." "So bad at introductions." "I'm Michael." "My father's in jail." "What a surprise twist." "Are we in an M. Night Shyamalan movie?" "Does M-Dog have a self-indulgent cameo as the warden who just happens to be Indian?" "It's not what you think, son." "I've changed." "I'm only behind bars because I was framed for robbing a jewelry store." "He's innocent, Dad, and he's going to prove it at his trial next week." "If I live that long." "That's an old accomplice of mine." "10 years ago I left him holding the bag, and now he wants revenge." "So, your wicked ways caught up with you." "Yes, and now those wicked ways are going to grab me from behind, shove me to the floor, and break in my rump like a new baseball glove." " Right in front of the kid, that's nice." " This is a chance for you two to reconnect." "Let's bail him out and let him stay with us until the trial." " I'm not doing a thing for him." " Then do it for us." "This time it was a bike ride, but who knows what else we could miss out on?" "Maybe a game of catch, taking me to my first prostitute, scolding me when I fall in love with aforementioned prostitute, bowling." "Give me a chance, son." "Hi, I just wanted to say hello." "I'm the warden, Sanjay Bhudapar." " Dad, this is going to be great." " Steve, let's be realistic." "Last time I saw my dad, he stole my car and left me stranded, so you'll have to forgive me if I'm a little skeptical of his motives." "Dad, he's changed." "I took my measure of him and I'm satisfied that he's a good and decent man." "Son of a bitch!" " What are you doing?" "!" " He was making a break for it." "Why'd you shoot?" "I was just pulling up the car." "Yeah, Dad, geez." "Oh, great." "Now it's making a black tinkle out of the ****-water" "Mom taught me about cars 'cause you were gone." "Franny, the meat loaf is delicious." "It's salmon, but thank you." "I think it's delicious, too." "What about you, Dad?" "Do you share the opinion of the other Smith men?" "Whatever it is, it's dry." "Stan, what did I say about shotguns at the table?" "Fine." "Put on this tracking device." "You get more than 50 feet away from me, you're going back to jail." "This really isn't necessary." "I told you I've changed." "No, you haven't." "You totally haven't changed." "Talking about changing." "Shut up." "You know what?" "We should all do something together." "What do fathers and sons do?" "What about that prostitute idea somebody floated earlier?" "That sounds interesting, you know?" "It could be." " Let's not rule it out." " Why don't you go camping?" "Think of the male bonding opportunities:" "fishing, hiking." "You could make spaetzle by the fire." "That's a great idea." " What's the point?" " Dad, you promised you'd try." "It'll be fun." " We can make s'mores." " Spaetzle." "I don't know what that is, but s'mores sound really good." "It was my idea." "I own camping." "If you don't make spaetzle, you can't go camping." "Tell him you're going to make spaetzle." "He's not going to know." "No, it's the principle." "We're going camping and we're not making spaetzle." "I hope you die out there!" " Looks like they're going camping." " Yeah, I know." "So?" "Sometimes I like to know what else is happening." "I'm looking for a Roger Smith." "Well, well, well." "What have we here?" " I don't believe we've met." " Constance Mathers." "I'm from the Occupational Safety and Health Administration." "Interesting." "What can I do for you, Ms..." "Mathers, is it?" "You've been exposing an intern named Hayley Smith to unsafe working conditions." "Henceforth, Ms. Smith's duties shall be limited to watching TV and Web surfing." "I already have a boy for that." "He watches Nickelodeon all day." "He's seven and not real." "You also must stop threatening to not sign her internship form." "And if I refuse?" "Then I will shut you down so fast your head will spin." "Game on, bitch." "Hey, you said a swear." "Wait, you're real?" "Dad, look at the awesome latrine Grandpa just dug." "Maybe you and Grandpa should whiz together or do a number four." "That's when you poop while holding hands." "He had his chance at my poop when I was in diapers." "If he didn't want it then, he doesn't get it now." " All right, car's packed, time to go." " But we've been here barely an hour." "I think I got a bite." "Dad, Dad, what do I do?" "I don't know, I've never fished before." "Just pull, pull on the fish rope!" "Stop running." "Just reel it in." "Steady, steady, hold it, hold it." "You can do it." "Now pull hard." "Just yank it." "Get your net out." "Don't give up." "Attaboy, you're doing it." "Way to go, son." "Hey, guys." " What you doing?" " Steve texted me a heartwarming photo." "It was really fun." "You should have been there, Francine." "I mean, It was a father-son trip, so if you had been there, it would have ruined everything." "I'm sorry." "I'll tell you, the old man really surprised me." "He acted just like a real dad." " Look what we found, son." " A trip we can all take next summer." "Well, that sounds wonderful, but maybe you shouldn't make any plans until after Grandpa's trial tomorrow." "Mom, he's innocent." "But even if he gets railroaded, he won't go away for long 'cause the judge will go easy on him, especially since Dad will take the stand and give him a glowing character reference." "Character reference?" "Yeah." "If you swear he's a changed man, the judge will have to believe you." "You're a government agent." "It was all Grandpa's idea." "I knew it." "You're using us." "What?" "No, come on." "You haven't changed a bit." "You're still the same selfish bastard who never taught me how to ride that stupid, rusty, old bike that's cluttering up my garage." "I think we need a little comic relief in here." "Where's Roger?" "Dad, Grandpa's changed." "Steve, don't be an idiot." "He's conning you." "Or Klaus... maybe he could say a funny German word." "We went camping, Stan." "What else do you want from me?" "!" "Tomorrow I'm hauling your ass to court, and then I want you the hell out of our lives!" "Dad, not only did you just lose a father, you may well have lost a son, too." "Well, did I or didn't I?" "You may well have." "Spaetzle." " Quitting time." " Hello." "I am Dimitri Garabedian, a high-ranking member of the Armenian Mafia." "Roger's Place pays us for protection." "You recognize this woman?" "That's Constance Mathers." "Where did you get this picture?" "The security camera." "Her meddling was making Roger's employees think they didn't have to do any work and could still get their internship form signed, so I killed her." " You can't do that." " It is already done." " This isn't over." " You're out of your league." "Now, get back to work." "Unload these crates." "You know what?" "Those look heavy, you better use this." "Grandpa." "Sorry, it gets moist in there." "I have to air it out at night or I get eye mushrooms." "I came to say good-bye." "You're a changed man now, and if my dad won't accept that, then I can't live here anymore." " You know, Steve..." " Don't try to stop me." "Stop you?" "I want to go with you." "Really?" "But what about your trial?" "They're going to railroad me in court tomorrow, so I might as well go on the run." " Oh, darn." " What?" "This tracking device." "If only we knew where your dad keeps the key." "I know where my dad keeps the key." "It's in the fake rock under his mattress." "Great, you get the key and then we'll take off in your mom's car." "Yeah, we'll be a couple of tough guy fugitives on the lam, one of whom almost forgot his inhaler." "Excuse me." " What's going on?" " Jack and Steve ran away together." "Did you know about this?" "No, I just came back from the reading of Constance Mathers' will." "Guess who got screwed?" "Anyone want this Edie Brickell cas-single?" "I've never even heard of the second song." ""The Land of Men." What is that?" "This is great." "My first dive bar." "Thanks, Grandpa." "This is so awesome." "My dad would never take me to a place like this." "Yeah, your dad has a different way of doing things." "Yeah, a sucky way." "I'm having so much fun." "I wish my dad was more like you." "Kid, if your dad was more like me, you wouldn't even know him." "I'm just saying go easy on your old man." "He wasn't as lucky as you in the father department." "You're the only role model I need." "Is that a condom and a rubber band?" "Sure is." "What a long night of killing people who don't deserve it." "Where is small-breasted bar wench?" "She didn't come in today." "But there is someone here to see you." " Who are you?" " Do you not recognize me, Dimitri?" "I am Mama Maroush, matriarch of the Armenian Mafia." "You killeda woman, Dimitri." "You bring dishonor on our family." "You know what you must do." "Captain Francois Dubonet, French Interpol." "I have devoted ten years of my life to toppling your criminal empire, Madame Maroush." "Your reign of terror is over." "And I am Marie Dubonet, your neglected wife." "Your obsession with the Armenians has destroyed our marriage and driven me into the arms of my lover Raul." "And I am Raul." "You are too old and barren." "I am leaving you for a real woman who can bear me a son." "And I am your doctor." "The bull's horn has done too much damage." "Your testicle cannot be saved." "You will never have a son." "And I am Toro, Raul's half- bull son from the future." "My father's other testicle became stronger, and he mated with a bull to conceive me." "And I am an Amish idiot savant who hath proven with nary a doubt that time travel is impossible." "And I'm Hayley, and all of this is just a figment of my drug-induced imagination." "And I'm Roger." "Your internship's over, Hayley." "Fine, just sign my damn internship form." "Never." "Then I, Hayley, am just going to forge your signature." "What happened?" "Did I win?" "Hey, no, that TV was real." "I bought that." "What a night." "My dad would never have let me sit in a car in a dark alley all by myself while he went behind a Dumpster with a Malaysian lady in a shiny dress." "By the way, thanks for letting me borrow your eye patch." "My dad's such a jerk." "Hey, don't talk about your father that way." "God, Grandpa, you've been defending him all night, and all he does is say terrible things about you." "Kiddo, they're all true." "Fact is I'm a no-good crook." "But you changed." "You're innocent." "Nope, guilty." "I robbed that jewelry store, and your dad's car..." "I was trying to steal it." "And from the minute you bailed me out," "I've been working you and your dad so I could get that character reference." "And that convict wasn't going to rape me in the shower." "I was going to rape him." "So... so you were just lying?" "I was until I saw what it was doing to you, Steve." "I already turned my son against me." "The last thing I want to do is turn you against your father." "That's why I've brought us here." "The courthouse?" "You're turning yourself in." "Yes, but first I have something I want to give you." "This is $50 I stole from your sock drawer." "And I also stole your dress socks." "He turned himself in?" "Yes, and your character reference is his only chance for leniency." "But he tricked you into running away with him." "Dad, that was all my idea, and Grandpa told me that I was wrong and you were right about him the whole time." "He said that?" "Yes." "Dad, his trial's going on right now." "You got to hurry." "Stan, come see this." "My bike." "It looks brand-new." "Your father must have fixed it up before he left." "But why would he... unless..." "That neglectful son of a bitch loves me." "And he needs me." "I've got to get down to that courthouse and tell the judge my father really has changed, and this will be exhibit "A."" "Oh, my God." "Oil." "Stan, we struck oil!" "We're rich!" "Damn it." "I still have one." "Steady, steady." "Hold it, hold it." "You can do it." " Get your net out." " I don't have a net." "Don't give up." "Attaboy, you're doing it." "I'm doing it." "I'm really doing it." "Steve, look at me." "I know how to ride a bike." "All right, Dad." "But I don't know how to stop." "Quick, move the building." "I'm here to save you." "Trial's over, buddy boy." "Guilty." "I'm headed for the Big House." "No, I'll talk to the judge." "It's okay, I'll do my time." "It'll be nice to stay in one place for a change." "Especially now that I have a reason to stick around." "Right, Steve's hair." "But it's not fair." "We have so much lost time to make up for." "Well, at least now you'll know where to find me." "Thanks for the bike." "I love you, Dad." "Other convicts are watching." "You got to demonstrate dominance or they'll eat you alive." "My dad just taught me a life lesson." "You tried to save him, Dad." "You're a good son." " I have a great role model." " I love you, Dad." "You never know, I might end up in there one day."