"We need an article about the basketball squad, and you're just the guy to write it, Harvey." " It'll be fun." " "It'll be fun."" "I need to use the phone." "Wrap it up, lady." "Oh, that's just our lonely, crazy neighbour." "He came over to borrow more tinfoil for his hat." "SALEM:" "Gah?" " I'll talk to you at school." " Hey, it's my turn." "This isn't fair." " Write a letter to PETA." "Yes, I'd like to order a dozen long-stem roses for Principal Willard Kraft at Westbridge High School." "Yes, I've met him." " Roses?" "Did he die?" " I just like him." "That's a shame now that he's passed on." "Well, enough with the "boohoo." Pass me the phone." " Hey." " Why so anxious to talk on the phone?" "I need to call into Nick Bakay's sports show on ESPN Radio." "All he ever talks about is the Buffalo Bills." "And his voice." "Lord, is it annoying." "Whatever Aunt Hilda's talking about is more important than that." "Yes, I'd like to reserve a floor buffer." " Great, ciao." "SALEM:" "Finally." "I tell you, I'm sick of being the only guy in a houseful of hens." " Ugh!" " Ooh." "That's gonna cost you." "Gah?" "Oh!" "Turn me back." "Turn me back." "The Other Realm announced that they'll pay cash money for each empty potion bottle." "Got any?" "You know, I have this strange ritual I perform with empty things." "I throw them away." "I'm sure there are some in the basement." "If there's half as much glassware as mouse droppings, this witch is Aruba-bound." "Why is it as soon as I get out all my winter clothes, we suddenly get stupid Indian summer?" "I believe the correct term is "stupid Native American summer."" "You're gonna get a break with this unseasonably warm weather, Sabrina." "Brad's witch-hunting gene will be dormant." "Yeah, besides the fact that you'll be wearing wool during a heat wave, should be an easy week." "Sabrina, you've got mail." "Maybe Valerie finally tore herself away from her new friends to write me." "Oh, great, Mr. Kraft just gave me detention over the computer." " What did you do?" " Breathe." "You know, something has been bothering Willard lately." "I think I'm gonna have him over for lunch today." "Maybe some tuna salad and coleslaw will help him reveal his true feelings." "And I shall happily take refuge in the damp squalor we call a basement." "Aunt Zelda, I think it's a great idea to have Mr. Kraft over for lunch." "That'll be 45 minutes where he can't make my life miserable." "He's always nice to me." " So have you heard from Valerie?" " Yeah, she's doing great." "Apparently Disneyland isn't the happiest place on Earth," "Anchorage is." "Don't tell the people in Juneau." "Hey, I decided to do that sports article for you." "Great." "Let's talk money." "There is none." "Well, you got yourself a deal." "Except I'm gonna need some help writing it." "Oh, I'll be glad to help." "It'll be fun, and it'll take my mind off Valerie." "But I already asked Brad to help me." " What?" " Don't worry, he's a great writer." "He won a contest in the second grade." "Oh, well, maybe you can fit his trip to Grandma's into the article." "What's up, guys?" "Hey, so did you tell her about my idea yet?" "Brad thinks we should interview the towel boys, promise anonymity, and get a real inside look at the team." "Yeah, that's an interesting idea, unfortunately." "We're on it." "What's that saying?" ""Two's company, three's pathetic"?" "Whenever Mr. Kraft talks, he spews verbal anthrax." "Valerie would've loved that line." "And I wouldn't be talking to myself right now." "Wasn't this a nice idea?" "You get a home-cooked lunch, and we get a chance to talk." " What is this, the Inquisition?" " Something's been bothering you." "Whoa-ho-ho." "Look at the time, I gotta run." "Those kids don't yell at themselves." "Well, at least let me put a sandwich in a bag for you." "Well, I do love tuna." " I can't get Willard to talk." " You've done wonders with him." "You think I should cast an Honest and Vulnerable Spell?" "Yes, it'll make his feelings as open as his mouth is when he's chewing." "I'll do it." " Here's your sandwich." " Thank you." "Gotta run." "Are you sure you don't wanna tell me what's been bothering you?" "It's Wally." " Wally?" " My brother." "Sure, I got the good name, but he got everything else:" "looks, charm, a personality." "Now he's coming to visit." "Well, so you'll put up with him for a few days and then say goodbye to Perfect Pete." "No, it's "Wally." And you don't understand." "He's stolen every girlfriend I've ever had and many that I just claimed to have." "Oh, Willard, you're not worried?" "Well, you're just-- You're so breathtakingly beautiful." " He's gonna wanna steal you." " Oh, you're so vulnerable." "And so honest." "HILDA:" "How did it go?" " Wonderfully." "Did you remove the spell?" "No, I like him honest and vulnerable." "Besides, what could it hurt?" "And sometimes when I sleep at night," "I am so consumed with self-doubt that I suck my thumb." "Okay, this is new, getting sick before lunch." "Oh, hey, Brad and I are having a blast with that article." "Thanks for making me do it." "Sure, anything to bring you and Brad closer together." "SALEM:" "If that's my novel, heh-heh, the character Tabrina is really a composite." "This is Harvey and Brad's article." "It took them all of homeroom to write it, so it's gotta be good." "Hey, leave the sarcasm to the professionals." "You know, I really should be supportive of Harvey and give Brad the benefit of the doubt." "But I bet this article really bites." "[LAUGHS]" "Oh, man." "I haven't read sports writing this good since the glory days of Jimmy Cannon." "Oh, what would you know?" "So the phrases are witty and the metaphors are imaginative." " It's still bad writing." " Yeah, Pulitzer-bad." "[CHUCKLES]" "Bye, monkey." "So it's settled." "Willard and his brother are coming to dinner, and I'm going to show him that I'm immune to Wally's charms." "Too bad you're not immune to Willard." "My, but you have found a lot of empty potion bottles." "Not really." "Suddenly I remembered, we're witches." "One point and we've got more empties than Boris Yeltsin's trash can." "Hilda." "[TOASTER DINGS]" ""Attention:" "Redeeming magically reproduced bottles will result in a heavy fine and unreachable itching."" " Good." " Does Big Brother never sleep?" "[TOASTER DINGS]" ""No."" " So you wanna join us for dinner?" " No, thanks." "I'd rather wade through ankle-deep dust and breathe bacteria-laden spores than eat with two Krafts." " So you'll be in the basement?" " Until I can afford Aruba." "Oh, for Pete's sake." "No, if you won't respect my opinion that this writing is garbage, maybe you'll believe some professionals." " Mr. Twain?" " Quite amusing." " Oh, stop breathing steamboat fumes." " This essay's the thing." "Oh, like you really wrote any of your own plays." "SALEM:" "Miss Dickinson?" " This shows real talent." " Shut-in." "[LIQUID BUBBLING]" "Uh-oh." "You're making the sound witches make when jealousy is percolating." "I am not jealous." "I mean, just because Harvey has a new best friend who he likes more than me, and his new friend is more talented than I am, and my old best friend is in Alaska with her new best friend, big deal." "[LIQUID BUBBLING]" "I thought I was your best friend." "[LIQUID BUBBLING]" "Sabrina, are you percolating with jealousy?" "No, I'm bubbling over with ideas." "You have to be careful, honey, you could develop jealotosis, a condition where jealousy gets out of control." " Well, that doesn't sound very good." " You can fight it." "All you have to do is be very happy for the person you're jealous of." "So I have to accept that Harvey has a new best friend and be happy for him." "I can do that." "I can be happy for him." " Well, good." " How happy?" "Hey, Sabrina, did you read our article?" "I still have to look at it, but I'm happy for you." "If it's too short, let us know because while we were at the arcade," "Brad thought up a couple more great jokes." "I'm happy for you." "If I sometimes seem irritable, it's because I have inoperable haemorrhoids." "I'm happy for you." "Come on, Harv, let's go work on our Government project together." "[LIQUID BUBBLING]" "[SIGHS]" "I really was happy for Mr. Kraft." " Sabrina." " Oh, uh..." "Just wearing the shades to be cool." "Nothing to be concerned about." "[DOORBELL RINGS]" "Oh, that must be Willard and Wally." "No, no, no, even at my age, the right pacifier can be really comforting." " Stop revealing these things to me." " Oh, dear, the Vulnerability Spell." "But in the deepest depths of my soul, I still believe that" "That was some football game on Sunday, huh?" "Yeah, well, here goes." " Zelda, Wally." "Wally, Zelda." " You sold her short, Willard." "She's more beautiful than a Monet painting." "Oh, my, my." "You are the second-most charming Kraft I've ever met." " You've met Mother." " Oh-ho-ho." "And it starts." "Someone has stolen our potions" "Oh, I'm sorry." "I overdressed." "And who is this dust storm of enchantment?" "Hilda." "But you can call me "dust storm of enchantment."" "WALLY AND HILDA:" "Ha-ha-ha." " Hilda," " I'd like you to meet my brother." " Some other time." "Right now I'd like to get to know this cutie." "Heh." "I think he likes her." "Yes." "I'm happy for them." "[SALEM GASPING]" "Sabrina, you woke me up." "Whatever happened to quiet desperation?" "I have to find a spell but can't see anything." "Well, remove the shades, Miss Pulp Fiction." "Dear Lord, you're green with envy." "You have jealotosis." "Jealousy will take over you and your world." "[SOBBING] All is lost." "[NORMAL VOICE] But I wouldn't worry about it." "Here it is. "The cure to jealotosis:" "Jealousy must run its natural course."" "Ugh." "Since when did this book start taking a holistic approach to magic?" "Maybe all you need is a good night's sleep." "Right, and tomorrow I'll wake up and be happy for Harvey and Brad." "Behold, the first envy-powered night-light." "[SALEM MUTTERING]" "SALEM:" "Is the glow gone?" " You know what?" "I am so sick of Harvey and his friend Brad always laughing, having fun, making plans." "On the plus side, heh, you look rested." "You know, Dreama's not even around for me to hang out with." "But you know what?" "I'm a witch." "I can have any best friend I want." "Tara Lipinski." "What's going on?" "I was at the rink, and now" "You're my new best friend." "Come on, let's get ready for school." "Now I have no reason to be jealous of anyone." "Hey, gold-metal girl, show me a triple Lutz." "Hey, she's my friend, not yours." "Don't you wanna ask about last night?" "Didn't you notice how Wally and I really hit it off?" "No, not really." "You know, when I'm with Willard," "I can't help but shut out the rest of the world." "Well, the feeling is mutual on the part of the rest of the world." "Anyway, Wally and I have so much in common." "He loves literature, art, science" "You have no interest in those subjects." "I do now." "Wally's gonna take me to the van Gogh exhibit." "You're kidding." "I've been hinting to Willard to take me there." "But the Babylon 5 convention should be culturally enriching." "Well, I'm off to school with my new best friend, Tara Lipinski." "Can't believe he's taking you to van Gogh." "Attention, everyone, all detention is cancelled because:" "[SINGS] My brother didn't steal my gal" "Man, I've never seen Mr. Kraft so happy." "You weren't here last year for the public caning." "Oh, yeah, laugh all you want, but I've got a new best friend now too." "Tara Lipinski." "I'm in love." "[STUDENTS CHATTERING]" "Wow." "It's great having a best friend." "There's so many places we can go where I can stand off to the side while everyone pays attention to her and she doesn't even notice I'm alive." "Wally and I just had the most divine lunch at Chez Maurice." "You and Willard have probably never been there, because there's no drive-through." "Willard and I had a very nice lunch today." "The food at Custer's has improved." "I didn't even chip a tooth this time." "Did I show you the flowers Wally brought me?" "Willard and I have a relationship that's so strong, he doesn't need to give me presents." "Oh, really?" "Oh." "What's this, then?" ""Zelda, keep this handy for the next monster-truck show."" "Give me that." "Sabrina, even though I'm in the middle of a psychotic episode," "I liked your friends, especially Brad." "Oh, yeah, everyone likes Brad, everyone likes you." "Well, you know what?" "You can just find yourself a new best friend." "Sabrina, would you remove your dark glasses, dear?" "Oh, I would, but it's like a tanning salon in here." "Sabrina." "Oh, no, you've got full-blown jealotosis." "Or a lousy brand of contacts." "I know." "I'm gonna hide away in your room." " My room?" " It's better than my little dinky one." "Oh, wow, this is a bad case if she's envying your decor." "Sabrina, you can't hide away." "Jealotosis can't run its course unless you're out in public encountering people who have things you want." "Wow, you know so much." "I envy that." "Stop." "Honey, when you're older, it'll be easier to control your jealousy." "Oh, like the way you're controlling your jealousy over my relationship with Wally?" "Oh, I'm afraid you're confusing jealousy with pity." "Why don't I have someone to argue with?" "Sabrina, go back to school and envy someone your own age." "Cool outfit." "See?" "That was good." "I wasn't jealous at all." "I got an A. I got an A." "Hey, why should you get an A and not me?" " You're not in the class?" " Right." "And I didn't even wanna be in that class." "And I'm not jealous of you a bit." "Not a bit." " Hi, Sabrina." " You seem happy." "I don't wanna be happy." "That's not something I crave." " You read the article?" " Yeah, but I'm not publishing it." "Ha!" "There." "Now you're not so happy anymore, are you, Señor Happy?" "Now you got nothing I want." " Hey, Sabrina." " Don't try to act innocent with me." "I saw you cosying up to the lunch lady." "What does it for you, support hose?" " Ah." "Are you okay?" " Why wouldn't I be?" "I'm a better writer than Brad, and I look better in a hairnet than Mrs. Hornbuckle." "What's the matter, jealous?" "I don't care if you have a secret." "I don't like secrets." "What's the secret?" "I'm really glad that you and Hilda have hit it off because she never cared much for me." "Well, that's what's great about my relationship with her." "We seem to agree on everything." "[BOTH LAUGH]" "Why should Mr. Kraft have a best friend and not me?" "Why should he get to be happy and not me?" "Why does he--?" "Oh, no." "I'm jealous of Mr. Kraft." "[WATER SPLASHING]" "Salem, where am I?" "Congratulations, Sabrina, you're in the Jealous Sea." "The Jealous Sea?" "I didn't come up with the name, I just work here, so get off my back." "Well, what is this place?" "It's your kind of place, a place where you have everything and everyone else has nothing." "My classmates, what happened to them?" "SALEM:" "Good news." "They all had to drop out of school." "Now they've entered the exciting field of menial labour." "Now you will be the only one to get good grades." "That's not good news, I didn't-- Hey, you missed a spot." " What am I saying?" "KRAFT:" "So cold." "No clothes, no job, no food, and this barrel's a rental." "Mr. Kraft." "Can't we do something for him?" "Not mention that the barrel makes him look heavy?" "Anyway, you can't be happy as long as he's happy, right?" "But..." "Harvey." "Sabrina, I don't have a best friend anymore." "So quit your bellyaching." "You still have Sabrina." "Yeah, but it was kind of nice having a best friend too." "I'm gonna miss him." "I know, that's exactly how I felt when Valerie moved away." "I don't want you to go through that too." " Salem, do something." " This is what you wanted." "I didn't want this." "Oh, why couldn't I have just been happy for Harvey?" "Yeah, and why can't I find better work than being a know-it-all in a subconscious daydream?" " Dream?" " Sabrina?" "Sabrina, are you okay?" "If everyone has what they want, it doesn't diminish what I have." " Absolutely." "Did she hit her head?" " I don't know." "No, really, think about it." "If everyone else has great stuff, it doesn't take away the things I have." "I'm happy to hear you say that." "Let's go to the nurse." "No, no, no, I'm fine." "Can I have everyone's attention?" "I apologise for the way I've been behaving." "And I want you all to get good grades and not become janitors, unless the custodial work is your passion." "Oh, Brad, I'm gonna publish the article that you and Harvey wrote." " It's excellent." " Why did you reject it before?" "Running a newspaper is a very complicated business, but mainly, I was just being a jerk." " I gotta go apologise to Mr. Kraft now." " Okay, that's it." "You're going to the nurse." "I just heard from the Other Realm." "Sabrina's back from the Jealous Sea, and her jealotosis is gone." "Oh, good." "Do you remember when we were teenagers and the Jealous Sea had the best Club Med?" "Yeah, it's also made me remember that a person can be happy for others" " without diminishing what she has." " Uh-huh." "And I just wanna say that I've been acting jealous, and I'm sorry." "I want you and Wally to have a great time tonight." "Thanks, Zellie." "I'm sure we'll enjoy the ballet." "I mean, handsome men in tights, how bad can it be?" "Ha-ha." " The ballet?" " Uh-huh." "I mentioned that to Willard months ago, and I get nothing." "[RUMBLING]" "I'm glad I didn't tell you we have orchestra seats." "Oh, let me guess." "This is the way mature witches handle their jealousy." "I can't believe I blew like that." "What is your problem?" "Do you wanna date Wally?" "No, I'm not jealous because he likes you." "I'm jealous because Wally takes you to all the places" "I want Willard to take me." "I may be a younger, less mature witch, but it seems that if you want Mr. Kraft to take you places, instead of waiting for him to ask you, why don't you ask him?" "You're right." "I'm going to." "I'm going to ask Willard Kraft to the ballet." "[MUSIC FROM "SWAN LAKE" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]" "[SNORING]" " Hey." " Oh, hi, Harvey." "Hey, I understand the article you and Brad wrote was a big hit." "People seemed to like it." "Like it?" "You should've seen he and Brad walk into class." "It was like Lillian Hellman walking into Sardi's after The Little Foxes." "So you ready to start the next one?" "Yeah, let's go get Brad and start brainstorming." "You know what?" "Do you think just the two of us could work on this one?" " Really?" " Yeah." "I don't know if you're aware of it, but Brad and I have been spending a lot of time together lately." "Really?" "Heh." "I hadn't noticed." " So how was your date with Harvey?" " Great, we went to the Slicery." "All of our friends were there, most of them at our table, so we're gonna ease into the "spending time alone" thing." " How was your date with Wally?" " Well, he's not really my type." "We didn't have that much in common, and I really don't like his cologne." " So are you going out again?" " Tuesday." "I just finished an experiment." "Thought I'd save you the potion bottle." "Oh, thanks." "Hey, I thought you were gonna cash those in for a trip." "I was, and then I remembered, I'm a witch." "HILDA:" "I'll be back when I get a tan."