" How d'you know all of this?" " I asked Gary." "Gary?" "So none of this has come from Robert then?" "You've never even talked to him, have you?" "Um..." "No... but, like, Gary said he's like proper fucked up his arm." " Like ripped the skin right off." " Holly, I don't wanna know." "I'd love it if my boyfriend tried to kill himself 'cause I died." "But he didn't kill himself, did he?" "He's back here, stacking shelves on minimum wage." "All right, but... imagine being fucked by someone that intense." "Has anyone ever told you you're a really weird little girl?" "Anyway don't kid yourself." "You don't wanna fuck him." "You wanna be the one that IDs the body when he finally gets it right." "Nah." "She wants to save him." "Don't ya?" "You won't be able to fix him, Holly." "If she ever speaks to him, that is." "You've been like my angel." "Like everything with Mum and Dad and crap and all that shit with Steve." "I don't know." "I just don't think that..." "Look, it's not been working for a while, has it?" "I'm sorry about the bear." "I just wanted to, you know." " Can we be friends?" " Oh..." "Yeah." "No, that would be cool." "Of course we can be friends." "So you're not..." "You're okay?" "Yeah." "I just think I'm a bit... a bit dark for you." "Dark?" "I mean..." "I mean..." "You're a bit vanilla." " What?" " I mean, you're just so nice." "Not that that's..." "I mean, it's great." "You're a lovely person and..." "Fuck off, David." "You know nothing about me." "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "Easy!" "You okay?" "Samira, get a mop, clean this up, yeah?" "Let me have a look." "I'm a paramedic. trainee." "I'm a student when I'm not here at the supermarket." "Can I?" "I heard you came off your bike." "I'm gonna sell it." "I thought it'd be better in the open air." "At least you're not in a box." "You know, you should have kept this moist." "It might scar now." "I know." "They told me." "What you listening to?" "What are you listening to?" "What do you think?" " You don't like it, do you?" " Yeah, I do." "No, you don't." "Orange?" "That's a pomegranate." "Whatever." "It's free." "What made you talk to me?" "No one else in that place does." "They stare at me and treat me like I'm gonna kill myself." "Well, you do a pretty good impression." "Come on!" "It's the short cut!" "Cinema's over there!" "You're too good for me, and I don't want to hurt you." "You're not going to." "Now, the eagle-eyed amongst you will notice I'm wearing a funny costume today." "But the thing is that's out of respect for the uniform." "You don't go shopping in it." "You don't go down to the pub in it, even though you think you might pull in it." "It's not just a uniform for me." "It tells the whole world who I am." "Even though we're all here, none of us are wearing green." "But don't forget." "You are different from the others here." "You're not a media student, not a sports science student." "You're training to be a paramedic." "And training doesn't begin when you put on the uniform." "It starts up here." "ThreeDs." "Discipline." "You're not just wearing the uniform to look good." "Determination." "To live up to what the uniform means." "And finally, most importantly of all... distance." "When you put on that uniform, it sets you apart from others." "Doesn't make you superhuman." "Some people you will not save." "Oh, shit!" "Rob, I'm so sorry." "I'm so, so sorry." "You're so sweet." "Oh, my God." "Fuck me." "Oh, fuck yeah." "Oh, fuck." "Yeah, grab my feet." "Oh, my God, that's amazing." "I'm not holding your feet." "Oh, God, not again." "What the..." "Where..." "Rob?" "Are you there?" "What's going on?" "Nina?" "Rob." "It is you." "Rob." "What is happening?" "Who's this?" "You're dead." "You're... you're dead." "Who the fuck is this girl?" "Rob, who is this?" "Come on, Rob, introduce us." "Nina... this is Holly, who... works in the supermarket with me." "Holly... this is Nina..." " my..." " Girlfriend." "Dead..." "Girlfriend." "This isn't..." "This isn't happening!" "How could you, Rob?" "Rob, she isn't real." "She... isn't!" "How old is she?" "No, you can't..." "You're dead!" "Sure, but I've kept my standards." "I mean... supermarket?" "Holly, just go." "You..." "This... this is my..." "Uh, you should just go." "You can." "You should just leave me." "This has to be a dream." "Oh, fuck!" "Can't be real." "I can't believe this." "You're my boyfriend's dead ex-girlfriend." "You think I'm his ex ex?" "I'm not." "And don't even think about calling me his late ex-girlfriend because that gives completely the wrong impression." "I'm not an ex." "You're dead!" "That doesn't mean we're on a break though, does it?" "Get the fuck out of my bedroom." "You have to help me, my love." "I can't." "I can't." "Please." "I think I remember six or seven seconds." "My mouth filled with my own blood." " And then no change." " Rob." "Just the mortuary slab... with you and Dad bonding over my naked body." "I don't want this." "And then the funeral." "Then you... and her." "I don't want this." "Rob, just move." "Kiss me, Rob." "Kiss me, beautiful." "Kissing you isn't how it used to be." "Ow!" " Holly!" " Ow, fuck!" "Fuck's sake." "Wait here for a minute." "Holly!" "Holly, wait." "Fuck." "Oh, you'll check your phone whilst giving mouth-to-mouth, will you?" "Hello?" "Yeah, uh..." "Ah, we lost him." "Shame, I know, but I did get a text from my boyfriend." "Oh, sorry, I don't mean boyfriend." "I mean supermarket fuck buddy." "Keep pumping the chest." "You don't want to lose him." " The doll, I mean, not the..." " Fuck off, Josh." "You all right?" "Look like you've seen a ghost." "How are things going with your sexy suicidal guy?" "Has he mentioned her yet, dead girlfriend?" "It came up, yeah." "I don't quite know how to say this, so..." "I'm just going to go ahead and say it." "Have you met someone?" "Sorry." "That sounds so..." "I just mean..." "I mean you can." "I haven't." "But you can." "You should know that you can move on... if you want to." "It's okay." "We all need to move on." "God, the bulbs are out, did you see?" "First sign of spring." "Yeah." "Spring would be nice." "Is Rob here yet?" "Yes, he's in the front room." "He's..." " I think he's come off his bike again." " Oh, God, is he still doing that?" " Don't mention it." " Of course I won't." "Hey, Rob." "Good to see you." " How's things?" " Yeah." "You know." "Yeah." "Yep." "Drink before the performance." "I've certainly earned it." " Have you been writing?" " Well, I call it that." "Did you get to read that chapter I sent you?" "That's how Martin Amis does it, Rob." "Gets all his feedback from reluctant dinner guests." "Rob's not reluctant, is he?" " Why does he come here every week?" " Well, not to read your book." " You don't mind, do you, Rob?" " How's he going to answer that?" "He's a free man." "He can say whatever he wants." "When did she do the painting in the front room?" "It was her A-level piece." "Very strong." "Best one there." "Just gonna use the loo." "Have you thought any more about... starting up your studies again?" "I'm not sure." "Feel like my maths brain has dried up." " Seems a bit pointless." " And working in a supermarket isn't..." "You're sounding like a nagging grandmother, Sal." "So... how's that motorbike of yours, Rob?" "Quite a mean machine you've got there." "Yeah." "It's fine." "I used to have a Moto Guzzi myself once." "This is ridiculous." "Fine machine." "Come on, while we have a moment." "Shall we adjourn to the parlor?" "Here." "Oh, sorry!" "Um..." " Cheers." " Cheers." "Do you mind?" "No." "Of course." "Oh, you don't have to read it now." "I just really like this bit." ""Silvio Bulge pissed." "Reaching inside himself, he ejaculated piss in the urinal before him." "Reaching inside himself, he pissed in the way only men can, with his hands."" "You know what I mean?" "That just came out!" ""With his hands." You know." "I will." "I'll... definitely read the rest of this." "This is all a new thing for me." "But that... that's why it's so good, you know?" "Scary, but exciting, you know?" "It'd be good for you to..." "I mean, uh..." "Not that it has to be that PhD." "You could do anything, Rob." "Don't let her put you off." "Take care, won't you?" " I'll see you next week." " Okay." "Is she..." "Do you want her to be?" "No." " I thought you'd gone." " You stopped texting." "There you go." "Jesus, you're freezing." "She'll be there." "We can cope." "What?" "Are you okay?" "Okay." "Kiss me." "Kiss me." "You're so warm." "Thank you, Holly." "It's not gonna work." "I have tinnitus." "And these lights zigzagging in my eyes." "I have a shard of glass in the back of my throat... and that's about all I can feel." "You might as well stop." " I wanna make you happy." " Stop." "He's using you." "God, Rob, she is young." "Naked, you could pass for 16." " You're not old." " No." "I'm dead." "If I was just his old girlfriend, then I could see why you'd get your frothy little hopes up, but... come on." "That first morning when I was naked in the sunshine by the window... pushing his hands into the sand as we fucked on the beach in Cornwall." "Or the time I went down on him on the sofa in my parents' front room, just before he met them for the first time." "These things will stay in his head precisely because I am dead." "You're an oil painting that's still wet." "Any good memories you slather out will just get mushed in by what happens next." "I have no next." "Nina." "Holly is my girlfriend now." "I don't know how we're gonna deal with this... situation, but that's just how it is." "No, it isn't." "We never broke up." " You died." "I couldn't." " Did you want to?" " No." " Well, then." " I'm breaking up with you now." " You can't." " What do you mean?" "Why not?" " Because I'm dead." " Didn't change you very much, did it?" " Well, that's sort of the point." "Why do you always have to be like this when we row?" "I'm not being like anything." "I'm dead." "I'm very literally not being like anything at all." "Holly is my girlfriend, and you are dead, and that means that we can't be together anymore." "You can't expect me to be on my own for the rest of my life." "You're not." "This doesn't mean I'm gonna forget you." "What the fuck do you think you mean by that?" "You're impossible." "I never know what you want." "I don't want anything." "I think that I should give her a memorial." "I know there's a grave but she's not there, is she?" "Besides, I want to show her how I feel." "You know, you were right about her grave." "She's not there." "She's not anyplace, is she?" "I used to take flowers to the road where she died, but... it's just a field with a broken fence." "You know, what matters... all that matters is us." "You, me..." "Sally and Dan, what we carry with us." "Like when I came off my bike the first time, I..." "I wanted a lorry to come." "I wanted to be crushed." "Lose my legs or..." "I wanted scars, so she'd always be there." "But you're right." "This is better." "She drew it on my T-shirt one night when we were out to wind me up." "She'd... she'd decided I'd die first." "Put a picture of me being eaten by sharks." "Put my name and a date." "So I said, "What about you?" She said she'd never die... and wrote it underneath." "So was it after her crash that you had it done?" "Nope." "That night." "Neither of us felt permanent marker was permanent enough." "Her art was all about leaving a mark, like a needle in a record." "She loved letterpress." "Old printing." "Seeing the indentation." "The impression stuff made always..." "Are you sure you wanna hear all this shit?" "Yeah, of course." "Don't know why you bought white." "What the hell, Rob?" "You're branding them now?" "It was her idea." "I know what this is about." "You're scared you'll be forgotten." "You don't want me to take your place." "I won't." "I never will." "You can go now." "I'm honoring you." "Jesus wept." "You're a very silly little girl, aren't you, Holly?" "This has nothing to do with me." "It's him." "Oblivion would beat this." "Would beat lying next to the heat of your heart beating in your little living chest." "The smell of your sweet stink rising between your legs as my boy puts his hand inside your pussy." "Nina, don't do this." "I'm just..." " I'm trying to help." "I'm sorry." " No, you're not." "You didn't even notice I didn't do anything this time." "You just rode him like a little toy rocking horse." "No." "Last time you said..." "I'm not doing this to get off." "I don't want this." "I don't... want." "Fine." "Far as I'm concerned, the least you could have done was leave me a book." "Right now that'll be my pleasure." "You know, I'll fuck him all day and all night and leave a fucking library for you." "You won't drive me away." "Trust me." "I don't intend to drive again." "I've had a bad experience." "Rob, are you..." "are you going to say anything?" "What can I say?" "I love you." "But it's me he can't forget." "I'm honoring you." "You won't be forgotten." "Don't you see?" "That is the problem." "And you've certainly made that one worse." " Do you want her to come back?" " No." "But I don't know how to make her stop." "Would you meet Nina's parents, Sally and Dan?" "O... okay, but I..." " How's that gonna..." " I think I need you to." "You know, to... show them I'm moving on." "With you." "Perhaps she'll accept it too." "So what the hell was that, Rob?" "I'm sorry I forgot to ask." "Is there anything you don't eat, Holly?" "We're having a roast." "Um..." "I'm a vegetarian." "Oh." "Um... well, there's potatoes and peas." "It's no bother." "I'll, um..." "I can do omelet." "I didn't think it would go like that." " Dan's writing a novel." " Oh, cool." "Is that what you do?" "Uh..." "No." "It's a..." "It's a new thing." "Our friend the maths PhD over there helped me set up my writing den." "And every Sunday poor old Rob has to come over and give his opinion on the latest chapters." "Every Sunday?" "Why don't I know about your PhD, Rob?" " Why don't I know anything about you?" " What?" "Should I be writing equations on the fucking windows?" "Are you all right?" "I'm sorry." "It's just..." "It's just..." "What just happened?" " You're sitting in Nina's chair." " Oh, my God." "What was with the mum, Rob?" "What was that?" " If I can help in any way..." " No, just leave him to it." "If there's anything I can do..." "It's just something we all have to live with, isn't it?" "We just have to keep on living." "Don't we, Rob?" "So, Holly, what books do you like?" "I don't really... textbooks." "But I mean I don't really enjoy reading those." "So do you really have to go to university to be an ambulance driver?" "Paramedic." "So first time away from home." "I bet your mother misses you." "What are you, 20?" "Uh, no, I'm 19." "I guess Rob is your first proper boyfriend." "They need me." "Fine." "Whatever." "Holly!" "Excuse me, I'm just... thank you." "I'm sorry." "Holly!" "Come on, look, I'm sorry." "Don't ignore me." "Oh, come on, Holly, stop being so fucking childish." "What's there to talk about?" "You wanna fuck your ex-girlfriend's mum." "Fuck off, Holly!" "Just 'cause I hold her hand doesn't mean I want to actually..." "Can we talk about this somewhere else?" " Do you wanna sit here?" " No, you're fine." "It just felt like I mean nothing to you." "I'm sorry." "I'm all she's got left." "And I wanted her to meet you because..." "I love you." " Do you?" " Yes..." "I love you." "Prove it." "God, you are dark." "Finally, he realizes!" " Oh, Jesus, it's fucking cold!" " Shh!" "Someone will hear us." "I really don't fucking care!" "I'm sorry." "Oh, fuck yeah." "Say goodbye to her." "Don't you think that's a bit rude?" "Ugh!" "Fuck!" " What the fuck are you doing here?" " Where else would I be?" "I'm not gonna apologize if that's what you want." "We make each other happy!" "You don't make happiness." "It blooms on anything you don't scrub too hard." "Nina, stop!" "You don't think this is love, do you, Holly?" "I mean, sure, he's made you feel useful." "Every drop of semen that has trickled down your belly has been a splash of sunshine on his grief-stricken brow." "But basically you're Florence Nightingale job-sharing with Linda Lovelace." "Jesus, Nina!" "This is fucking ridiculous." "Nina, come on." "Is this really how you want to say goodbye?" "No, but neither was going through the windscreen of a Triumph Spitfire, but sometimes you don't get a choice, honey." "Besides... you never can say goodbye." "Ever." "What?" "What are you doing here?" "Don't even mention the word "closure."" "Face it, Holly." "You've been swaddled and carried your whole life through." "All these fucking lectures?" "You know nothing." "You mean nothing." "To him or me." " You can't even put your own trousers on." " Would you just stop?" "Nina." "This is the end, Nina." "I'm saying goodbye to you now." "I'm never gonna see you again." "Poor Rob." "I'm clearing everything out of the flat." "There's not going to be a single trace of you left." "I think he's going to ask you to move in with him." "Do you think you can manage that, Holly?" "Living in my house?" "Do you really think you can eradicate every last trace of me?" "Yes." "I love you, Holly." "Yes." "After you." "You know you won't be able to see her parents anymore, right?" "I mean, if this is gonna work." "Yeah, no, yeah." "I figured." "Would a car be useful?" "What d'you mean?" "For you." "Now that you're here, rather than on campus." "Yeah, all right." "What if I sold the bike?" " Rob, you can't do that." " What?" "I don't ride it." "It's a waste." "I think walking is all I'm about ready for." "Yup." "That's where mine used to go." "Can't believe you threw all my shit away." "The least you could've done was gone to Oxfam." "Yup." "There too." "Well, this is weird." "Why do you think I'm still here?" "Okay, ignore it." "Good idea, sugar lump." "You can finish reading it for me." "Fuck you, Nina." "You already tried that." "Rob is never gonna see you again." "You missed a bit." "Hiya!" "Did you see the letterpress sold on eBay?" "I said we'd deliver it, could be your first trip in your new car." "Holly, what the fuck?" "Why is this all white?" "Is that... a new top?" "If I was her, I'd want you for myself for the whole weekend!" "You know what I mean." "You deserve it." "Thanks." "I don't just mean, um..." "I couldn't get through without you." "Sorry." "I don't mean to offload on you." "No, it's... it's okay." "I can't even walk out on him, can I?" "I mean, I could... walk out of here." "But it's all the other stuff, you know." "How can you take 30 years of hang-ups into a new relationship?" "Wouldn't stand a chance, would it?" "Oh, you won't leave us, will you?" "No." "No, of course not." "This'll be good though, won't it?" "Get to see the sea." "Drop this off to them in the morning." "Make a weekend of it." "Go to the beach." "We could do anything." "What are you doing?" " I dropped my phone." " Come on." "Let's go." "Getting out of here will do us both a world of good." "You're driving." "Yup." "Sure." "All right, mate?" "After all that, I bet they don't want it." ""It didn't look that heavy on eBay."" "Don't mess me about, old man." "I'm a motherfucking Power Seller." "So what d'you want to do now?" "Fancy that chip shop we passed?" "Ah!" "Oh!" "What are you doing?" "Printing." "Stay still!" "Oh, shit." "So... what's happening about fish and chips then?" "Oh, my God." " Scratch me." " Hmm?" "Scratch me." "Make me bleed." "I don't want to." "Wuss." "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" "Come on." "You'll break your arm." "You are such a pussy." " Ow!" " Nina!" "Please!" "Stop!" "Shut up, Rob." "This is what she wanted." "This is what darkness is, Holly." "Flesh trapped between metal." "Metal on bone." "Almost makes me nostalgic." "Oh, I can almost taste the petrol." " Please, I don't want this." " Tough... shit." "You won." "You fixed him." "Shame you don't want him anymore." "What do you want, Nina?" "Nothing." "Honey, you know it's not me bringing me back." "Even if he's not here, you've let me under your skin." "This is what you've won." "I'll always be here." "It's not true." "It's my fault." "It's all my fault." "Get off!" "You should thank me, really." "Now is definitely the right time to end it." "You're not ready for someone who doesn't need fixing, Holly." "A quiet job, pint on the weekends, it's rushing towards you, coming to crush you." "Oh, fuck!" "Are you okay?" "I'm so sorry." "I'm so, so sorry." "It's got nothing to do with you, Rob." "I can't." "I can't do this anymore." "I can't look at you without seeing her." "It's never going to work out, is it?" "If you don't mind me saying... that's a very living way of looking at the situation." "I mean, from my perspective, it already hasn't... worked out." "Right?" "What's happening?" "Hello?" "Please?" "Uh..." "Am I hurt?" "Yes, but you're gonna be all right." "I need you to just keep talking to me." "Just keep talking to me, okay?" "Now, what's your name?" " Cassie." " Okay, Cassie, my name's Holly." "You're gonna be okay." "You're gonna be okay." "Everything's going to be all right." "Just hold my hand, squeeze my hand." "You're gonna be all right." "It's gonna be all right." "Everything is gonna be all right." "Everything's gonna be all right." "This is amazing!" "I mean, not..." "I mean everyone." "But we saved someone's life tonight!" "Look, take this." "You're gonna freeze." "I mean, did you see her fucking leg?" "I don't know how you kept your shit together." "Don't know how I kept my shit together!" "But I mean that's just it, isn't it?" "After that, I'm a fundamentally changed person, you know?" "From now on, everything is different!" "Fuck me!" "Helping people is like..." "the baddest drug on Earth, you know?" "Whew!" "Who's Nina?" "Is she an ex?" "Holly, are you bi?" "It wasn't..." "It wasn't anything." "Okay." "It's not a problem." "I mean, I'm cool with it." "I mean..." "I mean, I'm gonna stop talking." " Not on the bed." " Huh?" " Not on the bed!" " Are you okay?" " Just don't let me think." " Okay." "So then, Rob, old son, what's the celebration?" "I got a job as a data analyst." "Brilliant!" "Oh, well done, mate!" "That's brilliant news!" " Yeah, well done." " Thanks." "Yeah, and, well... thanks." "You know, that's why..." "Just... to say thanks." "I see." "I just mean that... this isn't..." "This isn't actually helping any of us." "I mean..." "I mean me being... the one person you can both bear to be with isn't exactly..." " No." "That's not fair." " ...isn't actually helping anyone, is it?" "Well, that's funny." "Because I'd say we've been helping you massively." "That's not what I'm saying." "You think you've been doing all of it on your own?" "You think it's been easy for us, seeing you?" "Supporting you all through it?" "Helping you get back on your feet, find a new job, shaking you out of the lows, all the while... having you as a constant reminder that our daughter is dead and you're not?" "And I do mean that!" "I'm sorry, but you can't help but think..." "You can't help... but look at kids," "I mean, people your age, and not think... why are they still there, and she isn't?" "Like that bloody child you paraded at us like some fucking ghost of our girl." "Well, you can do that, Rob." "You can find someone else." "We can't." "So don't sit there... thinking that we've not been doing anything for you... because we bloody have." "I'm sorry." "Hold on, Josh, one sec." "What, did I do something wrong?" "You are so kinky!" "Holly..." "I think that..." "Just fuck me." "Please!" "No!" "Oh, God, Holly, you're amazing!" "Please, no." "Are you coming?" "I'm gonna come!" "Typical." "Jesus Christ!" "Ah!" "God, I love this song!" "I'm gonna love it forever now." "This is not what I want." "Join the club." "Who is it?" "Hi." "Hi." "You didn't answer my texts." "Holly, this is stupid." "I'm..." "I love you." "I'm sorry, Rob." " You know this won't work out." " That's a..." " I don't know why you say that." " Yes, you do." "I had to come here." "I had to speak to you." "I know I didn't do everything I should've, but I'm a different person." "Believe it or not, I'm happy now." " I'm sorry." " It wasn't you, Rob." "It was never you." "Are you gonna be okay?" "Yeah."