"(music) Thank you for being a friend" "(music) Traveled down the road and back again" "(music) Your heart is true" "(music) You're a pal and a confidante" "(music) And if you threw a party" "(music) Invited everyone you knew" "(music) You would see The biggest gift would be from me" "(music) And the card attached would say" "(music) Thank you for being a friend (music)" " Hi, Ma." " What the hell are you doin' home?" "I thought you had a beauty appointment." "I did." "They finished early." "On Christie Brinkley, they can finish early." "You need every minute they can spare." "Now get back there." "He's here, isn't he?" " Who?" " Who?" "Rocco." "Rocco." "Let me refresh your memory." "The man you met in the police lineup." "I was there to identify the guy who stole my purse." "Rocco was there on a trumped-up charge." "Ma, they caught him on a billboard spray-painting something obscene on Spuds MacKenzie." "The dog they use in those ads is really a female." "Rocco was just making Spuds anatomically correct." "Ma, I'm telling you, the man is bad news." "He has no job." "He gambles." "What kind of future does he have?" "Future?" "Please." "He's 85." "The man's got so little time, he only uses the ten-items-or-less line at the supermarket." "Look who came to say hello, Rocco." "Hello, Dorothy." "Always a pleasure." "Nice seeing you." "Cut the crap and put out the stogie, Rocco." "I like your style." "Right suit, right haircut, voice a little higher, you could pass as Frank Nitti." "What the hell are you talking about?" "A little higher, I think you got it." "You really knew Frank Nitti?" "Well, sure." "Frank Nitti, Dutch Schultz, Al Capone." "Are you saying you were in the Mob?" "I ran..." "Detroit." "The marathon." "He ran the Detroit marathon." "Come on, come on." "We're in the middle of a hand." "Four of a kind." "Beat that." "Straight flush." "Pay me, honey." " Ma, what are you doing?" " Losing." "It's strip poker." "That's it!" "Game's over." "Who do you think you are?" "Donald Trump?" "You don't own this casino." "She's always telling me what to do." "My daughter treats me the same way." "Kids." "Once they're over 50, they think they know everything." "I cannot believe my mother is hanging with that cheap hood." " You mean Rocco?" " No, Rose." "I mean Spiro Agnew." "He gave her a highway contract instead of an ID bracelet." " Of course I mean Rocco!" " I think he's kinda cute." "He is not cute." "He is a bad influence." "Since Ma started seeing him, she's on the phone all day, stays up all night." "Yesterday, she came home with NyQuil on her breath and his surgical stockings in her pocket." "Dorothy, can I ask you something?" "I don't know what it means." "I just don't like the possibilities." "No." "I wanted to ask, do you think Blanche has been picking on me lately?" "I haven't noticed." "Hi, Blanche." "Must you always be so cheerful, you empty-headed Mary Poppins knockoff?" "Let me know if you notice anything." "Blanche, what's with you and Rose?" "I'll tell you what." "This." " What is it?" " Rose's diary." " What are you doing with it?" " It was lying on the table." "I picked it up, and the lock just popped open just..." "like this." "Listen to this: "Dear Diary, I don't know how much longer" ""I can stand living with these two pigs." ""Moving in with them seemed like a good way" ""to save money, but it's getting out of hand." ""If one isn't keeping me awake with her squealing, the other one is belching in my face."" "You do that sometimes, Dorothy." "After you've had a Denver omelette." "Now, you know this is a real invasion of Rose's privacy." "And it's a Spanish omelette." " Doesn't it bother you?" " Not if I take a little Gelusil." "Oh, the diary." "No!" "No!" "Not at all." "And I'm really shocked that you read it." "You're not interested to hear other things she had to say?" " Not in the slightest." " Uh-huh." "Well, fine." "Suit yourself." "[Coughing]" "Use the knife." "Blanche, what are you doing?" "I thought we agreed we weren't gonna read any more." "That was only because we couldn't pry the lock off again." "And then I remembered we had these pliers in the tool drawer." "[Door opens]" "Gangway." "Old people comin' through." "Ma, what is all this stuff here?" "This isn't stuff." "This is my life." "Why are you bringin' your life into our living' room?" "There have been robberies at Rocco's building." " He asked me to store his valuables." " We don't have enough space." "I have plenty of space in my room." "Come on, Rocco." "When you go in there, I want you to leave the door open." "Yes, Mrs. Cleaver." "Hi, girls." "Gee, what's my diary doing here... next to a pair of pliers?" "Whatever it is you're thinkin', it isn't true." "Good." "Then George Bush isn't married to his mother." "Boy, that was easier than I thought." "This lock has been tampered with." "You two read my diary, didn't you?" "[Gasps] That's despicable." "I will tell you what is despicable, missy." "Some of the things you wrote." "This is my book for my eyes." "You have no right to invade my privacy." "Rose, you said some terrible things." "I thought we were friends." "We used to be." "We're not anymore." "[Door slams]" " What's wrong?" " I have a problem." "I'll say." "You should never have stopped using that depilatory." "Ma, I'm up here." "Oh." "Ma, Rose isn't talking to me." "Enjoy it while it lasts." "Now, good night." "Honey..." "Hi, Dorothy." "Can I talk to you?" "No." "Go away." "But I can't sleep." "It's because Rose isn't talkin' to me." "I could care less." "Get out." " [Knocking] - [Rose] Sophia?" "I'm not in." "Wait for the beep." "Then leave a message." "Beep." "Hi." "This is Rose." "I..." "Rose, shut up and get in here." "Oh." "I see you're with two double-crossing ex-friends." "I'll come back later." "What do you think this is, the 7-Eleven?" "I'm not open all night." " Rose, we feel terrible." " What have you done?" " We're really very sorry." " Sorry about what?" " How can I ever trust you again?" " Trust who?" "Let's not talk about trust after the terrible things you wrote." " Will someone please tell me?" " Blanche and I read Rose's diary." "And she wrote some terrible things about us." "About you?" "I didn't write anything about you." "I didn't even know you when I kept that diary." "What are you talking about?" "That was my 4-H diary." "I kept it one summer when I raised two pigs for the county fair." "You kept a diary about raising two pigs?" "You know another way to get a 4-H pig diary badge?" "Oh, my God!" "There's been a terrible misunderstanding." "What do you say we forget the whole thing?" "No way." "I'm really mad." "It's late, I'm tired, so listen up." "You gonna tell us a story?" "No." "Shadow puppets." "See?" "An elephant eating a peanut." "Happy?" "Of course I'm gonna tell a story." "Picture it:" "Morocco, the '30s." "The 1930s?" "No, 30 degrees." "Do I look like Willard Scott?" "Of course the 1930s." "Three close friends are haggling over a Camel." "How many humps?" "None!" "I'm talkin' about a cigarette." "It was the last one." "Well, anyway..." "What does this have to do with the diary?" "Suddenly I'm on Nightline." "I was just tryin' to tell a story." "There's no point, Sophia." "I'll never be able to forgive them." "Isn't there anything we can do?" "No." "Absolutely not." "I'm unyielding on this." "Can't you think of anything that'll make us be friends?" "No." "This time, you've crossed the line." "If I can't trust you, then we can't be friends." "The relationship is over." "Good-bye." "[Sighs]" "I got out in the hall, and I missed you guys already." "Please, let's be friends." " Oh." " Oh." "Oh, I love you guys." "Great." "Now get out." "Oh, let's not fight anymore." "Fine!" "Get out!" "The best friends I've ever had." "I said get out!" "[Gasps]" "Look at all that money!" "Gosh, there's thousands." "Where did this come from?" "Rocco's bag." "Where did Rocco get all this money?" "I don't know, but the next time we go to the Colonel," "I'm getting all white meat and a biscuit." "I do not believe this." "There are thousands here." "Ma, how could Rocco have this much money?" "I'm as confused as you." "He had that satchel when he went to the bank." "Sophia, maybe you better tell us exactly what happened." "When we got to the bank, he told me to keep the motor running." "Five minutes later, he ran out." "Did you think of asking why he was running?" "No." "The man is taking diuretics for a prostate problem." "His whole life is a 50-yard dash." "Ma, he robbed a bank." "I'm calling the police." "No." "Wait." "He didn't rob that bank." "I know Rocco." "He's a good man." "A decent man." "An honest man." "And not a bad kisser." "How do you explain this money?" "Are you a treasury agent?" "It's circumstantial evidence." "[Phone rings]" "Hello?" "Rocco, we were talking about you." "A funny thing just happened." "We found thousands of dollars in your bag, and we were kinda wondering where it came from." "Uh-huh." "Uh-huh." "Oh, well, right." "That clears it all up." "See you later, then." "He robbed the bank." "Anybody hungry?" "You're not calling the police?" "The man told you he robbed a bank!" "He also told me he had a good reason." "He did it for love." "Gee." "The most any man ever did for me was getting all his sheep to lie down in a field and spell out my name." "Ma, call the police." "No." "Rocco needs to talk to me." "He's coming over." "Fine." "I'll call the police." "I'll never speak to you again." "But, Sophia, Rocco did admit he robbed a bank." "It's my fault." "He thought he could keep me if he had money to buy me expensive things." "I gotta convince him to turn himself in." "If he doesn't, I'll go to the police myself." "It's the last time I let a man toy with my affections." "From now on, it's strictly physical." "Well, I've never been fond of Rocco, but it's obvious that he really cares about my mother." "Boy, one thing's for sure, that Rocco is a romantic, and there aren't many men like him left." "Blanche, what was the most romantic thing a man ever did for you?" "Oh, that's easy." "When George and I were courting and it was getting to the intimate stage, we went for a date in his big old Packard." "Halfway home, we ran outta gas." "[Giggles] It was dark, it was cold." "So we held each other close." "Both of us knew, right then and there, this was the night." "Sure enough, pretty soon the windows were all fogged up from the heat generated by our bodies." "After we were married, I told George that the only thing that could've made that evening more romantic was if we'd had candles and wine and a big blanket." "[Sighs] So, on our tenth anniversary," "George fired up the old Packard, and we drove along the same route, and we ran out of gas on exactly the same spot." "George said, "Blanche, why don't you look behind that tree?"" "So I did, and there was a basket" " [Rose gasps]" " With candles and wine and two long-stem glasses and... a big blanket." " We had a perfect evening." " [Dorothy] Oh." "Oh, that is... beautiful, Blanche." "Isn't it a shame you didn't look behind the tree the first time?" "What's the most romantic thing a man did for you, Dorothy?" "Oh, well, the... most romantic thing was when Stan proposed." "He took me to a very expensive restaurant, and..." "I went to the powder room, and when I returned, there was an open bottle of Dom Perignon and two filled glasses." "And we clinked the glasses in a toast, and..." "Stan gave me a coy smile, and I winked at him, and then I just downed the champagne in one gulp." "And it didn't go down smoothly." "Later, Stan told me that he put my engagement ring in the bottom of the glass." "Aw." "Aw." "It turned up three days later." "Where'd it turn up, Dorothy?" "On the Home Shopping Network, Rose." "But, Dorothy, you have to admit, it was very touching what Rocco did for Sophia." "If it hadn't been a felony." "Still, it goes to show you, hair may turn gray, your skin may wrinkle, but you're never too old for romance." "So, don't give up, girls." "Ssst!" "Rocco." "[Grunting]" "Sophia..." "I came to get ya." "Forget it." "You kissed this pleasure palace good-bye when you stole that money." "Come on." "I've got a brand-new Harley-Davidson in the driveway." "I didn't know you could ride a motorcycle." "Can't." "I pushed it all the way here from the dealership." "I'm exhausted." "We're gonna have to take a cab." "Hold your horses." "We got something to talk about." "First, how did you rob that bank?" "Aahhh." "It was a magnificent heist." "I moved with catlike precision." "Rocco, you're in big trouble." "By tomorrow, we'll be south of the border, sparkling skies above us, tropical breezes blowing across our bodies." "Sophia, you with me?" "No." "Sophia, I'm disappointed." "Not half as disappointed as I am." "I admit, at times, your stories about being a big-shot gangster seemed colorful to me, but I figured you weren't that guy anymore." "And if you are, you're not for me." "I wish you'd have told me that before." "Sophia, I have some confessions to make to you." "I was never a big-shot gangster." "I was never a big-shot nothin'." "All I was was an assistant cook at... chowder house in Bayonne, New Jersey." "Not the kind of fella you're used to goin' with." "I didn't wanna lose ya." "That's why I made up the bank robbery." "$45,000 was my life savings." "I thought with that money I could..." "I could treat you like you oughta be treated." "Like a queen." "I can't believe this." "I can't believe it either." "There's a gate." "I could've got a hernia comin' over the wall!" "Wait." "I've messed everything up." "I'll just get out of your life." "What I can't believe is that you went through all this." "Rocco, you always treat me like a queen." "Come here." "Okay, Blanche." "You landed on sports." "Here's the question." ""What famous football player wore panty hose..."" "Doug Curloff, Tampa Bay Bucs, New Year's Eve." "We were at the Holiday Inn near the airport." "The complete question is," ""...wore panty hose in a magazine advertisement?"" "How the hell would I know?" "To see a man in panty hose, I don't have to buy a magazine." "Joe Namath." "Your turn, Rose." "Okay, music history." "Here goes." ""What famous Mozart composition," ""completed in 1787, is a serenade in G" ""for two violins, viola, cello, and double bass in four movements?"" "Eine Kleine Nachtmusik." "That's right." "How did you know that?" "They always play it during the chases on The Bugs Bunny-Roadrunner Show." "Oh." "There was..." "There was this one where Elmer Fudd was chasing Bugs, and he stuck his gun down a hole that Bugs had painted..." "Excuse me, Rose." "Blanche, could I see the rule book?" " Thank you." " Ah!" "What say we call it a night?" "Ready to go to bed, Dorothy?" "No." "I'm gonna wait up for Ma." "She's out with Rocco." "Oh, Dorothy, Sophia'll be fine." "She's a grown woman." "You can't wait up every night." "You're right." "She's capable of taking care of herself." "[Phone rings]" "Hello?" "Ma!" "Do you know what time it is?" "You're what?" "Oh, the hell you are!" "Listen, you are not spending the night at Rocco's." "Look." "As long as you live under our roof, you will abide by our rules!" "I should do what to myself?" "What?" "Hello?" "Hel..." "Dorothy, is..." "Is your mother all right?" "Oh, fine." "She does something wrong, suddenly she's my mother."