"Hello." "Tackleberry." "[Thunder rumbles]" "We're gonna miss you around here." "The police academy's getting themselves a real fine recruit." "May I go now?" "Affirmative, sir." "10-4." "Yes, of course, 10-4." "[Suspenseful instrumental music]" "[Glass shattering]" "[Machines hissing]" "You guys." "Surprise." "The lot's full, mister!" "['80s pop-rock song plays on radio]" "Look, don't give me that crap." "You've got a space." "The lot's full, sir, really." "Find a spot, dickhead." "Dickhead?" "That's right." "Where is the manager?" "Dickhead?" "Park the car, butt breath!" "Butt breath?" "Wait a minute." "Hold everything." "That's a wig, isn't it?" "Park the car." "Yeah, that's a wig!" "Wig!" "Dong, dong, dong!" "Wig alert!" "Park the car, asshole!" "Shut up!" "Girls!" "It's a rug!" "It's a" "Mahoney?" "What the hell's going on here?" "Hi, Lou." "This rude little punk won't park my car." "Mahoney, park this car." "Take a look. lf you can find a spot" "Do it now or you're fired." "You understand?" "Fired." "Fired?" "That's not fair." "The guy has a bad attitude." "Do it." "I want you to apologize to this man, then park his car." "Yes, sir." "l'm sorry." "Get out of here." "And clean the ashtray while you're at it." "[Car engine revs]" "[Tires screech] I'm sorry, Lou." "You just can't get good help these days." "...respect for anything." "They don't respect customers or property." "They don't respect respect." "lou:" "Holy shit!" "Jesus!" "It fits!" "Damn thing fits." "I thought there were no more spaces." "Am I an idiot or what?" "Hi, fellows." "[Hooting and cackling]" "Hey!" "Hey!" "[Police Academy theme song]" "Guys, I don't think I'm supposed to get the photos wet." "[Men grunt]" "You're gonna pay for this." "Mark my words!" "And you wanna know why?" "[Tires screech] I'll let you know why. lt's no secret." "Everybody knows." "I'm joining the police force!" "What do you think of that?" "Now who's in charge?" "[Cackles nervously]" "[Foghorn blows]" "arresting officer:" "Hey, Sarge, it's him again." "I'll call Capt. Reed." "Sit over there, Mahoney." "[People chattering] [imitating electronic drum beat]" "officer:" "Sit." "And stay there." "[Stops imitating electronic drumbeat]" "What are you in for?" "I'll show you." "[Jones imitates machine gun fire over loudspeaker]" "God damn it, stop that!" "No, sir." "Not you." "That's terrific." "Really." "What's your name?" "Jones." "Larvell Jones." "Monsignor Larvell Jones." "M.D." "Let's go, Mahoney." "See you around, Monsignor." "Doctor Monsignor." "[Jones imitates harmonica melody]" "Why can't you stay out of trouble?" "What's wrong with you?" "Last week, disturbing the peace." "Week before that, destroying private property." "And I'm getting tired of saving your butt." "I only do it because of your father." "REED:" "He was a good friend." "MAHONEY:" "Yeah, I know." "Mahoney, I've made a decision." "I ain't gonna help you this time." "You're going to the county lockup." "Lockup?" "Why?" "I didn't do anything really major." "Then I'll make a deal." "Anything." "I want you to go to the police academy." "The police academy?" "Even if you never graduate, the training will be good for you." "Wait a minute." "Wait a minute, Reed." "Listen, you've seen the commercials on TV?" "The academy's taking all kinds these days." "Anybody can get in." "Even you." "No deal." "That's nuts." "It's either that or the lockup." "REED:" "Police academy or jail." "MAHONEY:" "Will I get my own squad car?" "REED:" "You'll get 14 weeks of academy training and discipline... starting Monday morning." "Fourteen weeks." "REED:" "They can throw you out." "But you can't quit." "If you quit, you're back in jail." "And that's the deal." "Can I bring a friend?" "Who?" "Monsignor Larvell Jones." "He's my personal physician." "You decide." "Honey, please don't go. I love you." "I don't want to see you get hurt." "I worry about you." "You're so accident-prone." "And the police academy is such a dangerous place." "Honey, don't worry. I'll be okay." "Everything will be okay." "MRS. FACKLER:" "You start that car and you're a dead man, buster." "FACKLER:" "Honey, I'm late." "You pull out of that driveway and I'll have your head on a pole!" "MRS. FACKLER:" "Dougie!" "Dougie!" "[Tires screech]" "[Grunting angrily]" "[Police Academy theme song]" "[Tires screech]" "You move this car an inch and you're finished, mister!" "You hear me?" "Of all the things that you could be in this world, why a policeman?" "A policewoman, Mother." "But why?" "Because it's exciting. it's different." "I'll be able to meet interesting and unusual people." "MRS. FACKLER: ...right now!" "If you don't...." "People who aren't like you and me." "[Trainees chant in unison]" "[Police Academy theme song]" "[Trainees chant in unison]" "Look, it's the chief." "Really?" "Hey, mention my name." "BLANKES:" "Cadet Kyle Blankes reporting for duty, sir." "Get away from me, you asshole." "Yes, sir!" "Where are we, man?" "Ecuador." "[Yelling in Spanish]" "martin: [With Spanish accent] Here we are. I got to go now." "Bye." "Okay, girls, remember, I love yous." "girls:" "Bye." "Introduce yourself around, man." "martin:" "Take good care of my car!" "Bye, babies!" "[Pop music plays on boom box]" "Excuse me." "Do you know all those women?" "Sure." "They're my girlfriends." "All of them?" "Yeah." "Carey Mahoney." "l'm George Martin." "Let's be pals, George." "You're an interesting guy." "You a cadet?" "I am until I can get myself thrown out of here. I'll be gone by 10:00." "You joined the academy to get thrown out?" "That's right." "You're a pretty interesting guy yourself." "[Mrs. Fackler screams]" "[Trainees grunting in unison]" "chief:" "Look at that." "Just look at that." "Look at that scum." "When I went through this academy every cadet was the right weight... the right height, the right color, and they all had johnsons, Lassard." "Every single one of them." ""Johnsons?"" "You know." "Oh, yes." "Back in the old days, there were johnsons as far as the eye could see." "And what a lovely sight it was." "Have you seen these applications?" "Have you seen what our new lady mayor has brought us?" "Do you know she is attempting... to dismantle one of this country's great institutions of law and order?" "What do you say to that, Lassard?" "The bitch." "chief:" "Commandant?" "LASSARD:" "Yes, Chief." "chief:" "The mayor says we've got to take this flotsam." "But that doesn't necessarily mean we have to put them on the force." "You get my drift?" "Weed the undesirables out." "Get rid of them." "No problem, Chief." "We'll start washing them out this morning." "We don't throw them out." "They must be encouraged to quit on their own." "chief:" "Do you understand?" "harris:" "I think I understand, sir." "Thank you, Lt. Harris. I'm sure you do." "Lassard?" "What?" "chief:" "Do you understand?" "It's clear as glass, Chief." "chief:" "Good." "Then we all know what to do." "[All laugh]" "[Officers shouting commands]" "Sure are a lot of spades around here." "Which I think is good." "Very good for the academy." "What the hell are you doing here?" "[ln a squeaky voice] I wanna be a police officer." "What?" "I can't hear you." "[Whispers] I wanna be a police officer." "Don't unpack." "Time to get thrown out." "[Dog barking]" "Princess!" "What's your name, cadet?" "Thompson, sir." "You live around here?" "No, sir." "What's your telephone number?" "Come on, eyes front." "Telephone number." "555-2467, sir." "Okay, let's see the thighs." "Come on, I haven't got all day." "The thighs." "What in the hell are you doing?" "Meeting women, sir." "What's your name, dirtbag?" "Dirtbag?" "Your name?" "Mahoney, sir." "Get back in line, Mahoney." "Sir, can I have a second with you?" "I don't really belong here." "I'm not ready for this place...." "Get back in line." "Now!" "[Dog barking]" "BARBARA:" "Mom, it's all right." "Don't worry." "Come here, Princess!" "[Jones imitates shackles clanking]" "[Jones is silent]" "[Jones imitates shackles clanking]" "[Jones is silent]" "[Jones imitates shackles clanking]" "[Jones is silent]" "My name is Cmndt." "Lassard." "Welcome to the new police force." "Your training time here will last..." "[Mouths] Fourteen." "...fourteen weeks." "You will be schooled in firearms... police procedures, local laws, and many, many other things." "After those 12 weeks, some of you will be police officers... and some of you will not." "Some of you will be...." "Here at the academy...." "Here at the Academy...." "You will learn...." "You will learn...." "BARBARA:" "Princess." "Princess?" "Looks more like a prince to me." "harris:" "Give me that dog." "BARBARA:" "But he's mine, sir." "But he's a queer." "Cadets, proceed to the supply room and draw your uniforms!" "Let's go." "Move it!" "What about guns?" "When do we get guns?" "Next." "THOMPSON:" "I'm a size 9, sometimes-- CLERK:" "Next." "harris:" "Hey!" "You three dirtbags report to the academy barber... before you do anything else." "Where's that?" "Find it, rat face." "Rat face?" "He probably meant the other guy." "Oh, okay." "MAHONEY:" "What's that?" "That's where the commandant and his wife live." "Excuse me." "Do you know where we get our clothes?" "Yeah." "You got to go right over there." "Here?" "Okay, thanks." "Just go right in and tell them that Mahoney sent you." "Be out of here by 3:00." "Move it, dirtbag, I'm first." "And I'm next." "For important guys like you, I'll wait." "[upbeat '50s song plays]" "Okay, let's go." "Take it all off." "You got it." "[Electric razor buzzing]" "BARBARA:" "Hello?" "[Shower hissing]" "martin:" "Just a little off the side, please." "BARBER:" "You bet." "You can do that?" "Sure." "This ain't the army, you know." "harris:" "Let's go!" "We've got to find you little babies a place to sleep." "Better listen up, you fart-blossoms!" "You sure you said Mahoney?" "Yeah, I even spelled it to them." "Copeland and Blankes, in here!" "Sir, this man is my personal physician." "I can't live without him." "Right down here, I want Fackler and Martin." "Right here, Mahoney and Tackleberry." "Yes, sir!" "Thank you, sir!" "Thank you." "I've always wanted to live with a nut." "My pleasure." "Mahoney, is it?" "Yes, sir. I'd just like to say one more" "The rest of you wimps come with me." "Move it." "Wimps." "You're married?" "Yeah." "That's beautiful." "To me, marriage is a sacred institution." "So tell me, you and the wife do it doggy style or what?" "[Military march music]" "Room ready for inspection, sir!" "Good haircuts, men." "Thank you, sir." "Damn good haircuts." "Thank you, sir." "Men, I've got a little problem here." "It seems I've got a squad full of scumbuckets." "A whole big bunch of losers." "And I was kind of hoping that you two fine young cadets... might help me to just get rid of a few of them." "What do you say?" "Will you help me out?" "Yes, sir." "Good." "Good." "I'm Copeland, sir." "Chad Copeland." "Good for you." "Hi, I'm Douglas Fackler." "I always wanted to be a cop." "[imitates arcade game character dying]" "loudspeaker:" "Lt. Hoffman, report immediately to the infirmary." "MAHONEY:" "Hey, Thompson!" "How do I look?" "That wasn't very funny this morning." "I wasn't trying to be funny." "I'd give anything to see your thighs." "I don't suppose you'd describe them for me?" "Well, they're tan, very supple, well-rounded... and luxuriant to the touch." "CALLAHAN:" "Absolute silence!" "My name is Lt. Harris... in case you missed it." "This is Sgt. Callahan... in case you missed it." "We are the meanest instructors here." "We've got you... because you are the worst people here." "You people are "D" squad." ""D" for dirtbags." "When I say, "Hey, dirtbags! " that means you." "You people are going to hate my guts for the rest of your lives." "I am going to make you sorry that you ever came here." "Now, it is traditional here at the academy... for each squad to have two student squad leaders." "I have chosen Cadets Blankes and Dopeland." "Step out, men." "If these two cadets give you an order... obey it." "Now... I thought it would be nice... if we were to close out our first afternoon together... with a nice little stroll around the campus." "Move out, maggots!" "[Police Academy theme song]" "JONES:" "Shit, this is definitely not Ecuador." "harris:" "Get up, Barbara." "Get up." "Move it." "I could show a movie on your butt, fatso!" "CALLAHAN: ...nineteen, twenty." "More!" "I want more!" "Fifteen, sixteen... seventeen, eighteen." "Let's go!" "Nine, ten...." "loudspeaker:" "Attention." "Lights out in 10 minutes." "[Snoring]" "[Harris chuckles]" "[Jones imitates pings and clangs of an arcade game]" "[Robotic voice] Game over." "[Jones imitates coin clicking]" "[Jones imitates pings and clangs of an arcade game]" "[Robotic voice] Asshole." "[Reading as he writes]" "harris:" "Arrest... procedures... traffic violations... high-speed driving... self-defense... and you will have many examinations... which you must pass." "Plus... you will endure an extremely rigorous physical training program." "Do you know what that means, Hooks?" "[ln a squeaky voice] I'm not sure, sir." "[Mockingly] What?" "[Whispers] I'm not sure, I'm not...." "Voice commands." "We will learn to use our voices with authority." "Won't we, Hooks?" "Have any of you had any military training?" "I served with the u." "S. Army Airborne 209th Special Forces unit." "harris:" "Anybody else?" "You have had prior military training, Mahoney?" "Yes, but not in this life, sir." "What?" "In a previous life, I served with Her Majesty's forces in India." "Interesting sideline-- -lf you're trying to get thrown out... I'm afraid that's quite impossible." "lmpossible?" "What the hell's going on here?" "Have to see the commandant about this." "harris:" "You will also learn the municipal code." "And you will learn them by heart." "JONES: [imitating intercom] Cadet Mahoney." "Report immediately to the commandant's office." "Okay, Mahoney, get going." "On the double." "Move it." "Now." "JONES: [imitating intercom] Lt. Harris... report immediately to the firing range." "Excuse me." "Callahan, take over." "Howdy?" "No one's allowed in here." "Listen, I got a problem, Chief." "LASSARD:" "It's "Commandant."" "MAHONEY:" "Commandant, I'm sorry." "is that your fish?" "No, it belongs to a friend." "What do you want?" "I want out of here." "Right now." "Out of this office?" "MAHONEY:" "No, out of the academy." "LASSARD:" "No problem." "You can just quit." "l can't quit." "Of course you can." "Many, many wonderful people have quit many, many" "Commandant, do you know Capt. Reed?" "Yes." "Capt. Reed." "You're Mahoney." "Mahoney." "You're a special case." "You can't quit." "l know that." "On the other hand, I can't throw you out." "Why not?" "LASSARD:" "I promised Capt. Reed." "I promised I'd keep you here the full 24 weeks." "You what?" "He told me that I could...." "l'm trapped here?" "Yes, we all are." "[Military march music]" "[Officers shouting commands]" "[Barbara screams]" "harris:" "Barbara, get up!" "This is definitely not for me." "harris, ON MEGAPHONE:" "Come on, Hooks, get over the wall." "Move it." "Come on, Hooks, get up." "Skip it." "Go around." "You won't make it." "Why don't you quit?" "Quit." "You'll never make it." "Sir, I'm terribly sorry but I seem to have ripped my pants." "Don't try me, punk." "Now, wise guy... you run, don't trot... to the supply room, and you get a new pair." "Yes, sir. I'll be back later in the day." "Be back in five minutes!" "Yes, sir." "Shit, I'm deaf." "MAHONEY:" "Got any brown shoe polish?" "CLERK:" "I've got cordovan." "Who's it for?" "Lt. Harris." "Sir!" "Look, sir, new pants." "What are you doing with that?" "Give me that!" "All right, you scumbags, you have 30 minutes to shower and get to class." "Let's go." "Move it." "Pick it up." "Pick it up, assholes." "So far, nobody's quit." "But they will." "[Lassard laughs]" "[Metallic rapping]" "[Bugle plays in distance]" "[Crickets chirping]" "Well, well, well." "I told you not to try me, boy." "Stand up." "Now, I want you two squad leaders... to take Mr. Mahoney here and run him until he throws up." "Yes, sir." "And then, just after he throws up..." "run him some more." "Yes, sir." "You are going to learn, Mahoney... that nobody... nobody... screws... with me." "COPELAND:" "Pick it up!" "Come on!" "This is great." "Two assholes, no waiting." "Come on!" "Move it!" "Would you please just let me yell at him without interrupting." "BLANKES:" "Come on, Mahoney, move." "[Seductive instrumental music]" "[Gun firing]" "Son, where did you get this gun?" "My mom gave it to me." "Can I borrow it for a little while?" "Sure." "CALLAHAN:" "Left, right, left!" "You will learn to defend yourselves without a stick or firearm." "I need a volunteer." "Barbara, get out here." "I just ate." "CALLAHAN:" "Right where l'm standing." "Right here." "Right now." "Come at me with an imaginary knife." "Do I have to?" "Yes, you do." "I'm not joking." "Come on." "Now!" "That's how it's done." "Who's next?" "martin:" "That's me!" "MAHONEY:" "I want to go!" "MAHONEY:" "We'll both go." "You have 20 minutes to complete the test." "Try to answer as many questions as possible." "All right, start." "[Baseball game on TV]" "announcer:" "Here's the pitch." "Swung on and missed!" "[Seductive instrumental music]" "[Rock music playing on radio]" "[Shower hissing]" "[Women chatting and laughing]" "[Women scream]" "You know, Mahoney... I'd like to spend the next month breaking you into little pieces." "But I won't... because you're bad." "You're bad for morale, Mahoney." "You look like this sweet little boy from next door." "But you don't fool me." "You're the devil and you're rotten to the core." "And you're ruining my chances... of training some men who might make pretty good cops." "MAHONEY:" "I agree. I've been saying that." "harris:" "You make me sick!" "Thank you, sir, I make everybody sick." "We're gonna pick up this telephone and call your buddy Capt. Reed." "And you're going to help me talk him out of this terrible mistake." "Terrific. I'll do my part, sir." "You're damn right you will." "harris:" "This is the academy." "I'd like to speak to a Capt. Reed." "[Sentimental instrumental music]" "harris:" "Capt. Reed?" "Yes, sir." "How are you, sir?" "This is Lt. Harris from the police academy." "I'm so sorry, sir...." "[Mouths] Bye." "harris:" "Just one moment." "Mahoney!" "Hi, Capt. Reed, can I get out of here?" "No?" "Okay." "[Whispers] I tried." "Capt. Reed, thank you so much." "Yes, bye." "I don't know what you're trying to do." "I don't know why you're here." "But you'll never be a cop as long as I live." "l don't want to be one." "Get your butt off my desk and get out of here!" "Mahoney!" "I've already told you once." "Nobody screws with me." "Maybe you'll meet the right girl and all that will change." "Get out of here now!" "Come on, Mahoney." "Harris said you had to do 100." "Here's a pair of my old sweat socks." "I wore them all day." "That should help you to get up." "[Thunder rumbles]" "You did it." "You son of a bitch." "[Panting and grunting]" "[Jones imitates buzz of an electric razor] [imitates increased intensity of razor]" "[Buzzing stops]" "This is a hell of a way to spend my evenings." "I can't even feel my arms anymore." "Hey, Barbara, come here." "Me?" "What?" "Come on, right here!" "TACKLEBERRY:" "Give me your best shot." "BARBARA:" "What?" "I want you to hit me." "Hit you?" "Yeah, come on." "No, really" "Hit me!" "Do it now!" "I can't." "How was that?" "Was that okay?" "Yeah." "Yeah, that's good." "[Jones imitates high-intensity buzzing of electric razor]" "This weekend is your first leave from the academy." "When you go wherever it is you filthbags go... do take note of how nice things are on the outside." "Do give serious consideration to not coming back." "Four of you have already quit." "And that's just the beginning." "Atten-hut!" "Dismissed." "CALLAHAN:" "Heard him?" "Dismissed, let's go!" "They'll get together for a party." "They always do." "You go with them." "Whenever they get out of line, give me a ring." "Hi, Leslie." "Studying hard?" "Yep." "Where's the party gonna be this weekend?" "Party?" "I don't know anything about a party." "I'm going home for the weekend to visit my mom and dad." "Now, if you don't mind, I do have to study." "You know, Chad, I don't think we've got his full attention." "So why don't you take his books and throw them out the window?" "My pleasure, Kyle." "[Copeland chuckles]" "Find out where the party is." "How?" "Ask Mahoney." "Mahoney?" "Mahoney." "Mahoney?" "Could I speak to you outside for just a second?" "Yeah." "What's up?" "Mahoney." "is there a party this weekend?" "Yeah, of course there is." "Do you want to come?" "No, I can't." "I just need to know where it is." "Sorry to be asking." "Then why are you asking?" "Some people want to know." "Okay. lt's no big secret." "It's at the Blue Oyster bar." "It's on Howell." "[Rhythmic dance music plays in club]" "[Playing jazzy rock music]" "How about you, Hightower?" "What are you doing at the academy?" "l got bored with my chosen profession." "What was that?" "I was a florist." "A florist?" "You know, flowers and shit." "[Tango music plays]" "[Crowd applauds]" "[Rock music playing]" "Hi." "Hi." "I didn't think you'd show up!" "I wouldn't miss it for the world!" "[Yelling] You want to go for a walk?" "Walk!" "[Yelling] Yeah." "You kidding?" "Of course." "Thompson." "Yeah?" "Why do you want to be a cop?" "I like to dress like a man." "Me, too." "['60s pop ballad plays on jukebox]" "harris:" "Okay, let's go." "Move it." "CALLAHAN:" "Two lines, right here!" "First one on the steps, second one off." "I said two lines, dummy." "Now step it up!" "Why didn't you call me this weekend?" "Well, nothing really happened, sir." "There was a party, wasn't there?" "Yes, sir." "What went on?" "Dancing, sir." "Mostly dancing." "Dancing?" "harris:" "Hightower, you're first." "Let's go." "Come with me." "[Police Academy theme song]" "[Shotgun firing]" "[All scream]" "Ready now, sir." "Thank you." "Got him." "Tackleberry, you're next." "Come with me." "Hey!" "Tackleberry!" "[Shotgun firing]" "[Hollering]" "[Shotgun firing continuously]" "[Tackleberry hollering]" "[Seductive instrumental music]" "Holy shit!" "CALLAHAN:" "Get back here." "martin:" "Yes, sir." "CALLAHAN:" "Yes, ma'am !" "Don't worry, I can explain everything." "Shut up." "martin:" "Yes, sir." "Yes, ma'am." "Yes, ma'am." "You've been sneaking in here every night for weeks." "What?" "No." "What do you think I ought to do about this?" "Well...." "[Callahan growls]" "[Both grunting]" "Sir!" "CALLAHAN:" "Ma'am." "[Rooster crows]" "A police officer must generate respect and confidence." "His or her voice, Hooks... has a great deal to do with that." "Hooks, get up and stand right over here." "Today, Hooks." "Here is the house." "Here is the window." "And I am a burglar." "I am coming out of the window... with a stolen stereo in my hand." "I'm coming out of the window, over the hedge." "And you are the arresting officer." "What do you say, Hooks?" "[ln a squeaky voice] Don't move, this is a stickup!" "Stickup?" "I mean, police officer." "Stop." "Sit down, Hooks." "Sit." "harris:" "Tackleberry, you try it." "Same situation." "All right." "Here is the house." "Here is the window." "I'm the burglar. I'm coming out of the house, over the hedge." "I've got the stolen stereo in my hand." "Drop that stereo before I blow your goddamn nuts off, asshole!" "Tackleberry... we really need to talk." "martin:" "Mahoney, let me ask you a question." "Have you ever had a woman... just throw you down and screw your goddamn brains out?" "No." "It happened to me last night." "Really?" "How was it?" "I think... I'm in love." "How many girls were there?" "Just one." "Just one?" "You made love to just one girl?" "That's disgusting." "Yeah, I know." "Hey, George..." "can I ask you something?" "Sure." "Every now and then... you seem to lose your Spanish accent." "What's up?" "Every now and then." "Can you keep a secret?" "Yeah." "[With Spanish accent] I'm not really George Martin." "[Without accent] I'm just plain old George Martin." "Fourth-generation American." "Really?" "[With Spanish accent] I just use the accent to get the girls." "Does it work?" "Hey...." "BLANKES:" "Barbara !" "He's in the gym." "You'll pay for sending us to the wrong party." "BARBARA:" "I'll tell him." "COPELAND:" "Not just pushups either!" "We'll get your fat ass thrown out of here." "That's a promise." "How?" "BLANKES:" "You'll find out." "Mahoney isn't the only one who can play tricks on people." "prostitute:" "Take it easy." "These ain't track shoes." "BLANKES:" "Just hurry up." "I'm as anxious to get through this as you." "I'm not comfortable in these surroundings." "BLANKES:" "Come on up." "prostitute: up here?" "When do I get the second half of my money?" "COPELAND:" "When the job's over with." "That's good." "Why don't you just sit down over there?" "All right, you scumballs, 30 minutes to room inspection." "Move it." "prostitute:" "Hi, honey." "Hi." "[Gasps nervously]" "Got a light?" "I don't smoke." "I have a friend who smokes. I'll go get him." "Mahoney, major problem." "Well, my goodness." "Would you please just calm down and take it easy?" "I just like to do it in strange places, that's all, okay?" "Why the hell didn't you say so?" "I think you'll find this academy... one of the most comprehensive in the country." "I could point out many features to you." "Squeeze in here." "ln here?" "You want to do it in a podium?" "All my life." "l'll be right back." "Where you going?" "I'm not really the customer." "The real customer will be here any second now." "Okay?" "Okay." "LASSARD:" "Gentlemen, please follow me." "We have a very, very fine slide presentation for you." "Please take your seats." "I think you'll find there's plenty of room for everybody." "Thank you." "First of all, I'd like to say how sorry I am... that everybody could not make it today." "For those here... I think you'll find the presentation interesting... as well as very stimulating." "[Zipper unzipping]" "LASSARD:" "Could we have the lights turned down?" "Now this first slide... shows a very... very interesting thing." "Our main building." "In slide two... we see... another view of it." "Oh, my God!" "You wouldn't believe it." "Let us look at this slide for a moment without comment." "I think it speaks for itself." "[Zipper zipping up]" "Could we have the lights, please?" "Well... I hope this was as much fun for you as it was for me." "Let's have lunch, shall we?" "And, maybe, smoke a cigarette." "Good speech." "What do you intend to do about Mahoney?" "What's he done?" "I'll tell you what he's done." "Yes, sir?" "He did a very bad thing." "To whom, sir?" "To whom?" "harris:" "Yes, sir." "Well, I don't know." "Are you all right, sir?" "No, not really." "May I go?" "Of course, sir." "Thank you." "harris:" "You're welcome." "CALLAHAN:" "Left, right, left." "[Gun firing]" "[Police Academy theme song]" "Left, right, left." "Left...." "[Squealing]" "harris:" "From now on, part of your training will be to ride from time to time... in actual squad cars with actual police officers... in actual situations." "And you'd better actually keep your mouths shut." "And your eyes and your ears open." "Say, Mahoney, why don't you ride with me?" "Well, move it!" "MAHONEY:" "Lt. Harris, I've changed my mind. I want to be a cop." "harris:" "Never, punk." "MAHONEY:" "Why not?" "All I have to do is behave" "harris:" "Get out of this car." "You hear me?" "Git, Mahoney!" "You get out there and you follow me." "You stay right behind me, punk." "How I love a ride in the country." "[Dispatcher speaks on police radio]" "Officer, can you get my kitty-cat out of the tree?" "No problem, ma'am." "Oh, no." "No, wait!" "[Gun fires, cat squeals]" "[Horns honking]" "What the hell is this?" "[Honking]" "[ln a squeaky voice] I'll be right back." "[Tires screeching]" "What the hell is going on down there?" "Move it!" "Assholes." "You, give me that bike!" "Come on, move it!" "This is official police business." "Move it." "Move it out of there." "Let's go." "Don't worry. I'm not going to hurt it." "[Motorbike engine revs]" "[Fast-paced, dramatic instrumental music]" "[Horse neighs]" "Oh, my God!" "Someone call a veterinarian!" "Your new hat, sir." "You told no one?" "Not a soul." "[Suppressed sniggers]" "[Neighs like a horse]" "MAHONEY:" "Hightower?" "Hightower?" "I need to talk." "MAHONEY:" "That's terrific, Hightower, but... it's 2:30 in the morning." "The driving course is tomorrow." "MAHONEY:" "So?" "I haven't driven a car since I was 12." "Really?" "You're kidding." "If I don't pass this driving course, they're going to kick me out of here." "Harris said so." "All right, let's go." "Sleeping is for fags." "MAHONEY:" "First thing we got to do is steal a car." "Copeland's should do." "Okay, your turn." "Now you got to remember to drive defensively... or offensively depending on your needs." "Let's go." "Comfy?" "No." "All right." "Let's just move the seat back a little." "On second thought, let's just rip the front seats out and sit in the back." "Actually, I was kidding about the front seat." "But this is good." "It's different." "Comfort's important." "MAHONEY:" "Put it into first." "Right." "Little more." "Okay, you can go a little faster now." "Yeah." "Yeah, you're doing beautifully." "You feel it?" "You feel what's going on?" "You can even turn off the windshield wipers." "Yeah, that's it." "Okay, now there's another car." "Hightower, what...." "You didn't hit the brakes!" "You didn't tell me to." "driver:" "You idiot!" "You bastard!" "You dumb shit!" "[Tires screeching]" "Why don't you pull over and let me drive?" "No, not now." "This is fun!" "[Police siren blaring]" "Pull over." "No, I'm getting out of here." "[Fast-paced instrumental music]" "[Tires screeching]" "COP:" "Holy shit!" "[Tires screeching]" "Attaboy, Hightower!" "Yeah!" "I taught him everything he knows." "harris:" "Not bad." "Not bad." "Miss Hooks, you're next." "Hurry up!" "Thanks, Mahoney." "You saved my life." "Maybe someday you'll save mine." "Any time." "harris:" "You're next." "Yellow line." "[Singing popular Christmas carol]" "[upbeat Christmas instrumental music]" "[Hooks squeals]" "[Giggles]" "[Car bumping]" "harris:" "What is it?" "She ran over my feet!" "I'm sorry. I really am." "Sorry?" "You dumb, fat jigaboo!" "harris:" "Shit." "At ease, Hightower." "HOOKS:" "He didn't mean it." "He was joking." "Don't do that!" "If you don't stop, you are out of here!" "I am warning you!" "COPELAND:" "No, no, no!" "You messed up big, mister!" "Now you get your stuff, and you get out of here right now." "Git!" "loudspeaker:" "Applications for motorcycle service... should be turned in at the administration building by Friday." "One down, several to go." "Copeland, get out of that car." "Mahoney." "[Copeland whimpers] lt's got to be Mahoney." "I know." "Come on." "Out of all the people I thought would make it, Hightower was the one." "I mean, if all the cops looked like him there'd be no crime at all." "I'm getting sick of this place." "How you doing, Ma-homo?" "Don't fool with me now." "I'm not in the mood." "You wrecked my car!" "No, Hightower did." "Why don't you go see him?" "That'd be a matchup." "Because we want you." "Okay, how about 12:00 midnight?" "9:00 on the coast." "I'm talking right now, Mahoney." "Let's go." "You throw the first punch." "A cadet could get thrown out for hitting another cadet." "Really?" "I thought you wanted to get thrown out." "Here's your chance." "No." "Mahoney, I'm gonna rub this right in your face." "On your mark... get set...." "[Crashing]" "[Barbara groans]" "harris:" "Who threw the first punch?" "That's all I want to know." "Barbara did." "Barbara." "BLANKES:" "That's right, sir." "Then he's out of here." "Him and his queer dog." "Wait a minute." "Barbara didn't throw the first punch." "BLANKES:" "He did." "MAHONEY:" "I threw it." "BLANKES:" "You're out of your mind." "Lieutenant, he's" "MAHONEY:" "Who'd you rather have out?" "is that true, Blankes?" "Did Mahoney start it?" "Yes, sir." "Mahoney started it." "Then, Mahoney, my little pissant... you are out of the academy forever." "Get your stuff." "[Harris cackles]" "harris:" "And get out." "Too bad, so sad, bye-bye." "[Dispatcher speaks on police radio]" "Does the radio bother you?" "I could turn it down." "Here, I brought you an apple." "Thanks." "[Fast-paced instrumental music]" "[People screaming]" "[Tires screeching]" "My God!" "Here, take this!" "Free TVs!" "Everybody, there's a riot going on!" "MAN:" "My livelihood!" "You ruined me!" "[Jones imitates helicopter rotors churning]" "Hi." "Want a ride?" "No, thanks." "[Continues making helicopter sounds]" "You two hear the news on the radio?" "A riot's broken out downtown." "How come?" "FACKLER:" "Who knows how these things get started?" "loudspeaker:" "All cadets report immediately... to the dormitory parking lot in full riot gear." "This is not a drill." "Jones, was that you?" "No, man." "harris:" "Let's go." "Get out of those doors!" "Move it!" "Let's go." "On the bus." "[Officers shouting commands]" "[Fast-paced instrumental music]" "TACKLEBERRY:" "This is it." "This is the big one." "It's time this cop met the public." "[Fast-paced instrumental music continues]" "harris:" "All right, listen up." "Here's the situation." "There is a state of general disorder in the Oakview section of town." "Real police are handling the problem." "We are being sent to a peripheral safe area." "Our job will be merely to divert traffic away from the trouble zone... and to protect public property." "You will have live ammunition, but there will be no call to use it." "Tackleberry, do you understand, numbnuts?" "Yes, sir." "Come on." "We are now entering the expressway at Belmont." "Very good." "Your bus is to deploy on 16th Street... between Fourth and Eighth A venue." "Sixteenth Street?" "Are you sure, sir?" "Of course I'm sure." "I never forget a number." "Yes, sir." "There's nobody around." "I guess they're hiding." "[Fast-paced instrumental music continues]" "harris:" "All right, let's go, dirtbags!" "Let's move it!" "You, one block over, one block up." "You, one block down." "You, one block up." "You, one block over." "Let's go." "If you have to make an arrest... do it as quietly as possible." "[Jones imitates mechanical whirring] lt sure is quiet around here." "[Jones caws like a bird]" "[Police sirens blaring]" "Fackler!" "How's it going?" "Just fine, thanks." "What the hell are you doing here?" "We're from the academy." "You're supposed to be blocks away." "The damn riot's right down this street." "We're pulling out." "[Police siren blaring]" "martin:" "I love sushi. I'm into back-rubs, all kind of Japanese stuff." "My car stereo, it's a Sony." "I got a good friend." "His father was killed at Pearl Harbor." "Maybe your family had something to do with it?" "You know sake?" "The wine?" "I know a place where they heat it up before they serve it." "Holy shit!" "Well, I got to go now." "[Police sirens blaring]" "[Rioters yelling]" "Run!" "[Police sirens blaring]" "Hello, men. I thought I'd come by for a personal inspection." "MAHONEY:" "Okay if we get in, sir?" "LASSARD:" "I guess so." "Sure, why not?" "How's it going?" "I want you to give me a fix on the entire situation." "Not that good, sir." "This is very, very bad!" "The main thing is not to panic." "[Rioters yelling]" "LASSARD:" "Attention, everybody!" "Attention!" "This is Cmndt." "Eric Lassard of the police academy." "If you do not disperse immediately, my men and I will have to arrest you." "You have five seconds to move away." "Five, four, three, two, one." "[Yelling intensifies]" "Give me the thing." "[Jones imitates machine gun fire over loudspeaker]" "[Tires screeching]" "[Rioters yelling]" "[Light jazz music plays]" "[Police siren blaring]" "[Rioters yelling]" "MAHONEY:" "You should park cars for a living, sir." "[Rioters yelling]" "COPELAND:" "Anybody want any of this?" "BLANKES:" "You want this?" "You'd die for this." "COPELAND:" "You're not so tough now, are you?" "BLANKES:" "How about you?" "You want this?" "I'm talking to you, twerp!" "You're just too dumb to talk." "[Police sirens blaring]" "[Tense, fast-paced instrumental music]" "[Rioters yelling]" "BLANKES:" "Damn it!" "Look, in here." "Try this one." "[Tango music plays]" "[Blankes screams]" "[Panting] Help." "This is Cadet Leslie Barbara." "Help." "Barbara, this is Lt. Harris." "Just calm down." "I'm being chased by 30 rioters." "Barbara, just tell me where you are." "BARBARA:" "I'm passing you now, sir." "harris:" "Holy shit!" "Hi." "[Fast-paced instrumental music]" "Get the cops!" "BARBARA:" "Okay." "Hold it right there, guys." "Why, if it isn't Leslie Barbara, the police officer." "Come on, you're not gonna shoot us." "You wouldn't shoot old friends, would you?" "No." "Get lost." "We're busy." "Now, get the furniture back up there... and get out of the area !" "But it's our furniture." "Oh." "Sorry." "Callahan calling Harris." "Come in, please." "Harris, come in!" "[Police sirens blaring]" "Where the hell is Harris?" "HOOKS:" "I don't know." "CALLAHAN:" "What?" "She doesn't know!" "l heard her." "Run!" "[Gunshot]" "Why don't you shoot back?" "[Gunshot]" "MAHONEY:" "Are those gunshots?" "martin:" "Fucking A!" "Shoot back!" "Come on!" "Look up there!" "See!" "That looks like Harris up there." "Should we shoot back?" "LASSARD:" "I don't think so." "thug:" "Come on!" "[Gun firing]" "Stay there!" "martin:" "Mahoney!" "[Gun firing]" "MAHONEY:" "Shit!" "I'll bet there's a back door to this place." "Hooks?" "Hooks, get the hell back here!" "That's an order!" "[Fast-paced instrumental music]" "[Gunshot]" "[Tense instrumental music]" "[Bullets ricocheting]" "[Police sirens blaring]" "MAHONEY:" "Freeze!" "Shit." "[Fast-paced instrumental music]" "[Tense instrumental music]" "MAHONEY:" "Don't move, you bastard!" "Run, Thompson!" "Put the gun down." "Sir, you put your gun down." "[Thug cackles]" "Lt. Harris... any last-minute tips or suggestions?" "Nothing really comes to mind." "What's it gonna be?" "thug:" "Throw your gun over the ledge." "I got two little piglet-wigglets." "HlGHTOWER:" "Hey!" "What do you want?" "I want to watch you off these pigs." "Sure." "[Tense instrumental music]" "Which one do we do first?" "[Police Academy theme song]" "I believe I'd shoot this one." "Yeah, the old one." "Looks like cadet revolvers to me." "MAHONEY:" "I know those guys." "[Agressively] Don't move, dirtbag!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "What's wrong with this man?" "There was gunplay, sir, and he missed it." "[Marching band plays Police Academy theme song]" "Lt. Harris?" "Capt. Reed." "Nice to meet you, sir." "Thank you. I also want to thank you for looking out for my boy Mahoney." "It was an honor and a pleasure, sir." "Thank you, sir." "[Barbara's mother crying] ls this woman bothering you?" "No." "This is my mother." "10-4." "Carry on." "Then at 8:00, you'll meet my mother." "Right." "You'd better have some flowers." "Flowers?" "Check." "You men, stop that!" "Oh, well...." "That's more like it." "Good man." "Keep up the good work." "Thank you, sir." "Ladies and gentlemen, the commandant of the academy, Eric Lassard." "So many unusual events have happened to this graduating class... and to me, also." "I could tell you many, many stories... but instead I have a presentation to make." "No academy cadet has ever received the highest award... this police department has to make." "Today, there are two." "Officers Moses Hightower... and Carey Mahoney." "Gentlemen, please step forward." "You are both expected to make a few short remarks." "Officer Hightower." "Thanks." "That was very, very good." "Officer Mahoney." "Thank you Cmndt." "Lassard, Chief Hurst..." "Madam Mayor, Mr. President..." "His Holiness the Pope, the King of Norway... and our other honored guests."