"CHACHI 420 (The Crooked Aunt)" "Mrs Janki Devi!" "Present yourself in court!" "Mr Jaiprakash Paswan!" "Present yourself in court!" "He hasn't turned up, has he?" "Sit down... please." "The court's time is precious." "In view of that..." "I appeal that the proceedings of the court continue." "What could be holding him up?" "Why'd I be here, if I knew that, Your Honour?" "I wonder whose tunes he must be dancing to right now." "You'd better be careful here..." "I need the steadycam, Raman!" "Where are you off to?" "Won't you sit here for a while?" "Let me go..." "What is it?" "The anger on your nose!" "You look like an obstinate kid!" "I'm no kid..." "I have fathered a kid." "So what?" "Let's live together." "You can ask me to leave, if you can't stand me." "Really?" "Here goes!" "Massage this hand, too." "He's terribly angry." "I see." "My God!" "I've got to go to the Court, sir." "How can you leave like this?" "Finish the first stanza!" "If I wait for the first stanza, the second one will begin in court." "You're making haste as if you're about to miss a divorce!" "We've had four adjournments on account of the absence and late-coming of the respondent." "I appeal to you to grant my client a divorce." "That's wonderful!" "Your Honour..." "I apologise for the delay!" "Go on!" "You're being summoned since long." "I'm sorry." "I was delayed in leaving the studio." "You're in court; not home." "I'm not your wife here." "The Judge is..." "I mean, you must give him an explanation." "It's all the same." "You were my judge at home... and the judge is my wife...!" "Did you know that your husband works in the film industry?" "Yes, I knew he was a buffoon." "That he dances." "Is one who dances a buffoon?" "What else is he?" "Who is Natraj then, the God of dance, whom you worship?" "Did you marry him in spite of knowing all this?" "Was it a love-marriage?" "No!" "I knew he danced and made others dance, too." "Little did I know that he'd make me dance to his tunes." "I was blinded by love, Your Honour." "When are we getting married?" "We will soon..." "what's the hurry?" "I'm in a hurry to be known as Mrs. Paswan." "We'll have children then!" "Only the devils make haste." "Ask your devil..." "I mean, ask your father first." "Oh no!" "Left to him, we can only have a divorce!" "What can we have?" "A divorce!" "He will never approve of it!" "I'll beg of him to give me his moonlike daughter!" "Why bother when the daughter is herself coming to you?" "That which you consider trouble is actually decency." "What did I get from her father in return for my decency?" "What did he give you?" "Did he beat you up or abuse you?" "No sir!" "The rich Mr Durgaprasad Bhardwaj is not given to abuses." "He has better ways of humiliating people." "He belongs to a great family, you see." "This is my great grandfather, Mr Chandiprasad Bhardwaj." "This is my grandfather, Mr Shaktiprasad Bhardwaj." "And this is my father, Mr Bhawaniprasad Bhardwaj." "I'm next in the line..." "Durgaprasad Bhardwaj." "Doesn't the name Jaiprakash Paswan sound a jarring note after Durgaprasad Bhardwaj?" "By the way, what is your profession?" "I'm assistant to a choreographer in cinema." "That's all very well." "But what do you do for a living?" "That's my profession." "'That' is?" "!" "You'd better smile..." "Janki is watching us." "Actually, my daughter has grown fond of you." "In exactly the same manner as kids are fond of toys." "You can play with toys for some days but you can't spend a lifetime with them, can you?" "Coffee?" "No, you won't...!" "Take it away..." "Go on." "Janki is my only daughter." "I can't refuse her anything." "I want you to do that for me." "Take this box away." "It contains "two" wads." "Two wads of currency notes;" "Not footwear." "It's two hundred thousand." "This is a nice way of humiliating someone." "People give dowry so the groom will take their daughter away." "Your father gives it for not taking away his daughter!" "Tell me; what do you prefer?" "One in tune or out-of-sync?" "What do you want to be?" "Bhardwaj?" "Or Paswan?" "I leave the decision to you." "You're having a great rehearsal, aren't you?" "But this is the final take!" "The bridal-necklace and the wife are both genuine." "This is my wife." "And that is Janki..." "I mean, Chandu." "I'm nervous." "It's my first marriage!" "What?" "He's from the art department." "I'm sorry!" "This stinks of glue!" "Yes." "Mine stinks a little less." "Here you are." "We've just prepared it." "I'll go and drop them." "Had only father been here..." "Think of what he'd do to me!" "I mean, we'd have a shower of real flowers at our wedding." "And I'd have had a garland of large footwear around my neck." "He wears a smaller size." "You're crazy!" "Wipe your tears." "Let's pray to God." "There's no God!" "Atheist!" "Shut up!" "He's left!" "Must've gone for some milk..." "I'm not kidding!" "Where are you taking the Ganpati idol, Rao?" "We need it for the shoot at Studio No. 7." "Who's the female co-star?" "It's a mythology..." "He's the only Hero!" "This man showed me stars in broad daylight!" "Fake flowers, a fake God..." "Excuse me, Your Honour." "Have you ever seen the real God?" "Wow!" "What a scene!" "It was a make-believe temple." "The marriage was fake too!" "What about our daughter?" "Is she make-believe, too?" "This is not all, Your Honour." "He's in the habit of abusing his wife in a fit of rage." "Did Janki tell you that?" "No." "Her family did." "But I'm her family." "Not my family." "Our landlord told you that." "You're right!" "Haribhai, the landlord, told me everything." "Where have you been scurrying away like a rat?" "You owe me rent for three months, Jai." "Either pay up or vacate the house." "Actually, I'm in a tight corner right now..." "You're in a tight corner, whenever I ask you for the rent!" "How about the 24" inch TV you have just bought?" "A television set?" "Acting innocent now, eh?" "Go and take a look." "Your TV and wife are both in great shape!" "Do you want to break it?" "Don't keep it there..." "move it over here." "Papa!" "We have a TV!" "A new one!" "Where did the TV come from?" "From the market." "Where else?" "I mean, what was the hurry?" "I've bought it for Bharti;" "Not for myself." "Didn't you say TV spoils the kids' education?" "Your film songs are not the only fare on television." "There are educational programmes, too." "I don't like Bharti going to our neighbours to watch them." "You know that I have no money for such things." "Sure, I do." "Which is why I've bought it on installments." "My pay-packet itself comes in installments!" "Where do I put this antenna?" "Here on my head!" "Come on!" "Shut up!" "You're always giggling without any reason!" "Don't bring out your anger on the kid." "Let's get ready..." "Where to?" "Finish this argument first!" "What argument?" "I need my wife and you need the TV." "Period." "Get Bharti ready." "They'll arrive at any moment." "Bharti will not go." "Why not?" "I consulted you before I committed the shoot." "And now..." "I refuse now." "But why?" "Papa won't give me the permission." "She's my daughter." "Why must we need permission from your Papa?" "Is she ready?" "Oh yes." "Aren't you ready, dear?" "We'll be late for the shoot." "She will not report for the shoot." "Please go out." "Will you get going?" "And keep your show business out of my house!" "We're committed to them, Janki." "We can discuss the future." "Please let her shoot..." "It's only for today." "And you stand to make 10,000 Rupees." "I see!" "So you've negotiated the price, too!" "Bhardwaj's grand-daughter is no buffoon to work in films!" "Get out!" "J.P.!" "You said it was your daughter who'd work with us!" "How does Bhardwaj's granddaughter figure in this?" "Bhardwaj's daughter is my daughter's mother, too!" "I mean, my wife is the mother of my child..." "Come in for a moment..." "Don't touch me!" "Aren't you ashamed to live off your daughter?" "Please don't fight, Mom..." "Oh, move away!" "Know what they call someone who lives off his daughter?" "Let them hear!" "What do they call women who dance for money?" "Please don't fight, Mom." "Say sorry to Dad." "Did you slap your wife in the presence of a few others?" "There were many people there." "Not a few." "They were there, nevertheless." "Please consider the reasons." "Mr Jaiprakash..." "Paswan!" "Reasons won't do." "Did you slap her?" "Don't friends fight?" "They even have fisticuffs, Your Honour." "They don't go to the courts." "But both of you have." "So?" "Is it "yes" or "no"?" "What's okay, Your Honour?" "What are you writing..." "It's a yes-no!" "Did you say yes?" "Yes." "Yes means yes then." "Yes, but..." "It's all over!" "He has confessed to his crime!" "That's exactly what I'm getting at!" "Having completed the legal formalities..." "I grant Jaiprakash and Janki Devi a legal divorce." "Henceforth, you will not live together as man and wife." "For the purpose of a good upbringing and care... your daughter Bharti is entrusted to your wife Janki." "No, Your Honour!" "According to Law, the child will remain with her mother." "Especially in circumstances where she can provide... for the child, in a better way than you can." "That's it!" "No!" "I will give her a good upbringing!" "Please don't separate her from me." "There has never been an occasion... when I have gone to sleep without seeing her." "And when I have awoken..." "Do you know anything else apart from acting?" "I do." "I'm capable of being tolerant." "I'm even capable of living on." "Once a week, on every Friday, away from your houses... you can meet your daughter at any public place." "Is that okay, Miss Janki?" "Get their signed approval on the documents." "My father!" "Who makes 'em bite the dust!" "My little girl!" "Who looks so lovely!" "What is the day today?" "Today?" "It's Friday." "Of course it's Friday." "It's a good Friday;" "Because we meet today!" "Damn this phone!" "It's always ringing!" "Who the hell is it?" "...Master?" "!" "They're here before my eyes!" "Where's "here"?" "We're at Sanyas Ashram in Vile Parle." "You remember all your instructions, don't you?" "Oh yes." "I have a list of that in my pocket." "Please don't worry..." "Can't you lay off?" "I'm talking to the boss!" "They've left!" "Why didn't you tell me?" "But I was telling you!" "Tickling isn't telling...!" "What have you asked God for?" "I told L.K..." "Who's that?" "Lord Krishna!" "I asked Him to make me an old woman!" "Silly girl!" "No one will marry you, if you're an old woman." "That's better!" "There at least won't be a divorce then." "Why does the God of Dance stand on one foot?" "I don't know." "Or He'd fall." "Simple!" "And here is your double." "Hold it!" "You can't give the girl anything to eat!" "Says who?" "The boss has given me a list!" "What does it say?" "It says I can feed her in my lap." "Yes..." "You can do that." "Hurry up!" "What's "hurry up"?" "This is no instant-noodles!" "I'm talking to my daughter..." "move away by at least 20 feet!" "Stop acting like ducks!" "You don't have to obey him!" "Come here!" "The court order says you can't meet her in a private place." "You must meet her only at a public place!" "Understand?" "Where we are all stand..." "Me, too, Sir?" "Of course!" "You too!" "Where the hell has he gone?" "!" "Find him, you blind bats!" "You're a bloody fool!" "You just said they were there... and you now say they're not!" "They must be around!" "Find them!" "We look for you everywhere..." "and here you are!" "Do you know how late it is?" ""You" are late." "We've been here for a very long time." "So..." "I know you've got to go home and finish your homework." "Now get lost!" "I'll deal with you next Friday!" "I'll fasten a rope around the neck!" "Whose neck?" "My own!" "Don't act smart with me...!" "Oh, shut up!" "How about another riddle, Papa?" "Go ahead." "Why do you wear a watch?" "I don't know." "So it keeps ticking... see?" "!" "Won't you laugh?" "Okay, that's enough..." "Let's go!" "My blood is boiling!" "The little one is my daughter... not a TV programme I can watch only on Fridays!" "The father-in-law took his daughter away... you must steal your daughter now." "Are your brains rotting?" "Not at all!" "They're fresh!" "No point in getting worked up." "Make a get away with your girl!" "Go anywhere near Kashmir..." "maybe Bangalore or Mysore." "Bangalore or Mysore are nowhere near Kashmir!" "So go to the South..." "Maybe Dubai or Muscat!" "I have many relatives there." "They'll take good care of you." "The old man has run away with the hen!" "You must now steal the egg!" "My pet!" "Come to me..." "Just shut your mouth!" "I have a romantic rendezvous with Kaushi tonight...!" "How do you make those noises?" "No matter where I touch you!" "If you keep tickling me like this... you will soon have to buy toys for kids!" "What toys are these between you and me?" "What are you doing here?" "What are you doing here?" "I came to meet you." "What for?" "To run away with you..." "why are you laughing?" "I thought I was running away with you!" "Let's shake!" "How did it occur to you to escape from here?" "I don't know." "I just felt like it." "Must be in the blood." "Pardon me?" "It's a long story." "So tell me." "I'd run away with your mother from this very place." "And what happened then?" "Mom got pregnant... and we had a little angel!" "Where is she?" "The angel?" "Where is she... my God!" "I'm carrying the angel!" "I'll show you a new way..." "What are you doing?" "!" "It's an electronic tickle!" "You dare break in to commit a robbery at this hour!" "You've shown your true colours!" "You came to steal the kid!" "Now don't let's talk about..." "Shut up!" "Banwa!" "Where the hell are you?" "I'm coming, sir!" "You're sleeping through the tremors, are you?" "!" "I have a clean heart, sir!" "The moment I lie down, I..." "When did you arrive, son-in-law?" "Son-in-law, my foot!" "He's a bloody thief?" "Take Bharti in, Janki!" "Come here, Bharti." "Go on..." "No more meetings on Friday henceforth!" "I won't even let him set eye on the girl!" "Call the cops!" "You dare..." "Step forward, guys!" "I could hurt him in a fit of rage!" "I'm releasing him on your assurance, Mr Siraj Akhtar." "Make sure he doesn't make such a mistake again." "Jai!" "My friend!" "How will I repay this debt?" "Have me released, when they lock me up!" "There are no favours between friends!" "You've really insulted me!" "Not at all." "I'm sorry!" "Get me a role in a film, if you must do something for me." "I'm dying to be an actor!" "Consider yourself one!" "I can't dance." "I'll give the producer a discount for that." "Woman wanted?" "We all need women... to play the female lead." "I want to graduate to lead roles from small parts." "Make me an inspector, a judge or even a beggar!" "Why must I feel shy?" "I'm only acting!" ""A penny for me, sir..." "May God bless your children!"" "Father!" "Look at what Jai is up to!" "Isn't this "thing" the one you called your husband?" "He's after her with his tail wagging!" "This is no way, Joseph..." "They all say that!" "I've been hearing it for 25 years!" "It's nothing new!" "I've been drinking for 25 years!" "You're always on your own trip." "Take a look at this!" "Wow!" "Bagpiper Gold!" "This is my brand!" "Turn it around, Joseph!" "D'you take me for a fool to spill the booze?" "Turn this hand around!" "But what is it?" "It is an advertisement." "Issued by Madam Janki Bhardwaj, who wants a woman to look after a 5-year old girl." "Isn't she a woman herself?" "!" "But she wants a Brahmin..." "Isn't she a Brahmin herself?" "Can't she look after my girl?" "The woman must be educated and very hygienic!" "Why don't you talk to her?" "They won't even let me into the house." "Have you broken your nose?" "I think so." "You're not an actor, I hope?" "No." "It's okay then." "Are you done with the make-up, Joseph?" "I'm doing it!" "It takes time..." "It's my misfortune that I was born in India." "This is a skill!" "Give me time and see the magic I work!" "What would you do?" "Take birth in America?" "I can work the magic here in India!" "I can turn a man into a woman;" "And a woman into a man!" "I can make a prince a princess and a king a courtesan!" "So what do you want to be?" "Again?" "Haven't you seen this?" "The newspaper?" "I want to be a woman!" "What kind of a woman?" "Like this one or this?" "I get it!" "A slim figure, right?" "I want to be like this." "Like this?" "!" "What a dish!" "She's your wife, isn't she?" "Yes." "There's another picture in the picture." "Really?" "Is this a bag of photographs?" "Look at the picture on the wall." "She resembles your wife!" "Naturally." "She's her mother." "You plan to barge in, posing as the mother-in-law, right?" "Yes." "But no one must get to know of it." "Not at all!" "But what about the fact that I know?" "I'll keep quiet." "But there could be a slip of tongue!" "You can't squeal on a friend!" "In which case, I'll do the make-up for free." "But arrange to slip me 10 or 20 grand." " 20 grand?" "!" "I'm selling my bike to give you 4 thousand!" " 4 thousand?" "You must really sell it at 20 grand then!" "Who'd buy it?" "Very well..." "You can have the mobike." "Okay." "Just double my quota." "Give me a full, not a nip!" "All right." "I'll go and make a call to Durgaprasad now." "To tell him that you're about to enter in disguise?" "Looks like the kick is wearing off!" "Keep drinking!" "You'll remain sober!" "Really?" "Great idea!" "Let's hit the bottle!" "It's because they're all white, you know..." "Greetings, sir." "Who is that?" "I have seen your advertisement." "Where did you see it?" "Glued to a woman's bottom." "What?" "!" "You need a woman to look after a child, isn't it?" "Have you seen it?" "Yes, sir." "So what?" "So when can I come over?" "Where?" "And what for?" "For the job, of course." "I see!" "When have you called the governesses for an interview?" "Who is that?" "At what time is it?" "!" "At 11 a.m. Be here at 11 a.m. Tomorrow." "How old is she..." "what is her age?" "Your age..." "Shut up!" "It wasn't you I spoke to..." "Be here at 11 tomorrow." "And so?" "So?" "So what?" "So, all right." "I'll be there tomorrow." "What did you say your name was?" "I didn't tell you my name." "The name?" "It's the bus!" "I can't hear you properly!" "Lux..." "What?" "Not Lux, the soap?" "!" "I'm not reading an ad..." "My name is Lux-mi!" "I see." "Laxmi?" "What next?" "I'm a woman." "I can hear that." "But what is your surname?" "My surname?" "Have sweet, talk sweet...!" "God-bole (sweet-talk)." "That's the surname..." "Godbole!" "Laxmi Godbole!" "Are you a Maharashtrian?" "Yes." "Godbole's are Maharashtrians." "I'm a High Class Brahmin." "I'm related to the Royal Baji Rao family." "The grand-daughter of his sister's grandson... is related to my mother's aunt." "Well, all right." "Bring them all tomorrow at eleven." "They're all dead." "How will I bring them?" "You may come alone then." "Thank you, sir." "It's dead!" "Remember; this make-up lasts for a limited time." "Can't it be permanent?" "In that case, wouldn't I have you living with me instead?" "!" "Remember; get back to your house, before sunset everyday." "Or you'll be exposed with your fake-nose... and I'll lose face, too!" "Make sure you get home on time every evening!" "Here is the final touch!" "Wait..." "ladies first!" "Will this go to Juhu?" "Yes, it will." "What happened?" "It's the hair-loss, you see." "So it tickles." "I have the same problem." "Feel my hair." "Ajob paying a thousand Rupees with 2000 questions asked!" "Don't you talk too much!" "Who's Shakuntala?" "Wait!" "I'm coming, too!" "Why did you leave the earlier job?" "Her employers moved to the U.S. She didn't go with them." "She loves India." "Since when do you know her?" "From this morning!" "I have made all the enquiries for you." "You may leave." "We have appointed someone." "Go on... we have found a governess." "Why issue ads." "When they had already decided on someone?" "Give it to me, Babu..." "I want it!" "Sure." "Here you are." "Mummy!" "Help me someone!" "My bottom's on fire!" "No...!" "Help, Mummy!" "Help!" "What happened to Bharti?" "!" "Move aside!" "My poor child!" "She's burnt her skin, Papa!" "Which idiot threw her into the pool?" "!" "That idiot of a woman did!" "Who the hell are you?" "What are you doing here?" "My name is Laxmi Godbole." "I spoke to you over the phone." "Don't you know you must never pour water on burns?" "!" "You ought to wrap a blanket!" "She could get septic!" "She won't be, sir..." "Why not?" "Whatever the boss says always happens!" "Don't just stand here!" "Go and telephone the doctor!" "There's no need for skin-grafting, is there?" "It's a minor injury." "She'll be fine in a few days." "Did someone wrap her in a blanket?" "It is exactly what I suggested!" "But a silly woman threw her in the water!" "I was the one who threw her in the water." "That's good presence of mind!" "That's the right cure." "It could've been worse had you wrapped her in a blanket." "And wasted a blanket, too!" "Is she the new governess?" "She seems to be a sensible lady." "Should I appoint her then?" "Haven't you already?" "Go ahead!" "Send someone for these medicines and ointments." "Be careful the next time." "Use grandpa for rocket-firing!" "Have you spoken to Janki?" "Yes." "I'll let you know soon." "What did you say your name was?" "Laxmi." "Employ her." "And discuss the salary with her." "He's employed her!" "What happens of me?" "Don't whisper!" "Bloody cheat!" "As I was saying, sir..." "Thanks for saving my child." "She's my child, too." "You were God sent for me." "And I couldn't even make out." "Can I call you aunty?" "Consider this to be your own house." "You can even stay here." "Okay?" "No!" "I must go home every evening!" "What for?" "It's the make-up." "What?" "!" "The family make-up." "When will I do the chores?" "There's so much to do." "Okay." "Take Bharti upstairs." "And the bedroom..." "is to the right upstairs." "How did you know?" "The science of placement!" "That's how it is, isn't it?" "It's to the right!" "Janki..." "Yes, Papa?" "..." "Go on ahead." "Get ready." "We've got to go to the office." "Have you noticed aunt Laxmi, Papa?" "Doesn't she look..." "She's just like your mother." "Isn't that right?" "Yes." "Does it hurt, dear?" "Yes." "What day is it today?" "It's a good Friday." "How did you know that?" "Because we meet today." "It's always a great Friday when I meet my Papa, you know?" "I see." "Papa!" "Call me aunt." "Papa!" "My darling dad..." "who'd eat anything!" "My darling dad..." "who'd eat anything!" "My little darling..." "so plump and lovely!" "Who's that?" "What's happening to her?" "Nothing." "She has an upset tummy." "Yes." "I have an upset tummy!" "Wait a minute..." "You'll be fine." "The doctor's given an ointment for your burns." "You're a real wizard, Papa!" "Not Papa." "Call me aunty." "A great clash, eh?" "Sorry." "I've run into you." "Your sari hit me actually!" "What is your name?" "Laxmi Godbole." "Great name." "But what are you doing here?" "I have to come here for Jai's kid." "No kid up there." "His wife has taken her away." "They've separated, you see." "Jai's a kid, too." "I cook for the poor boy since his wife has left him." "So you're his cooker, eh?" "No." "I'm the "cookie"!" "That's great." "But Jai's not at home." "I know." "How did you know?" "You told me so just now." "What will you cook, now that Jai's not there?" "I don't cook Jai." "I cook "for" Jai!" "Hey, listen...!" "There's a girl up there." "She's waiting for Jai!" "What a hurricane of a woman!" "Ratna?" "Who are you?" "How did you know my name?" "It's..." "Jai?" "Yes." "Jai told me." "That it's only Ratna who..." "What else did he tell you about me?" "Just that you work in films as an assistant dance director." "But who are you?" "I'm Jai's Laxmi..." "He has kept me." "What?" "To cook for him!" "How did you come here?" "I took an autorickshaw." "Had you some work?" "I asked her, too!" "But she said it's personal." "She will tell only Jai!" "Why have you come after me?" "I have some doubts about you, madam." "I've got to ask you something." "What is it?" "You're a Brahmin who's here to cook for Jai, right?" "But Jai is a non-vegetarian!" "How will a Brahmin cook that?" "That's between Jai and me." "Why must you interfere?" "Okay." "I have something else to say." "What is it?" "That's between Jai and me!" "I'll tell Jai, of course!" "Atleast you tell me, Ratna." "I will speak to Jai, too." "Okay." "Sit here and wait for Jai." "I'm off for a bath." "Don't bathe in the evening!" "You could have a chest-congestion!" "We Brahmins always bathe before we cook." "Great woman!" "She observes cleanliness even at this age!" "You bathe everyday, don't you?" "What do you mean?" "I mean, it's good to bathe everyday!" "Wow!" "She is even religious..." "What a chaste woman!" "Jai!" "What are you up to?" "The water wouldn't flow the drain!" "So I came down!" "Jai!" "What's that?" "You're wearing a matrimonial necklace!" "It belonged to my mother." "When she died... my father asked me to preserve it carefully." "And what's that..." "on your forehead?" "Eyebrows, eh?" "It's a dot!" "This doesn't belong to Mom." "Aunty gave it to me and said..." ""You have a necklace." "Complete the picture with a dot"!" "You must wear it on your forehead." "Jai!" "I'm here too!" "Talk to me, when you're through with her!" "What is it, Haribhai?" "I was terribly sorry... to hear of your mother's death." "When?" "Oh yes... just now!" "She's dead, isn't she?" "Absolutely!" "But that's an old story." "There's something new." "She's here." "Who's that?" "Aunty!" "I know that." "How did you know?" "You told me just now." "Didn't you?" "Damn it!" "I speak a lot!" "So what's the important thing you've got to discuss?" "How do you know I had something to discuss?" "How?" "You didn't tell me." "Neither did Haribhai." "But I know it." "And how?" "The fact that you're here means it's important!" "First drive the Gujju out." "I'll go away." "But I must tell you something before I leave!" "You know I'm a widow, don't you, Jai?" "What is a man who loses his wife called?" "A widow?" "Right!" "I have problems with food in my house." "Could you ask aunty to cook for me, too?" "How could I do that?" "You don't have to cook!" "Ask her to cook for me!" "It's the same thing!" "God!" "She must have fallen!" "I'll take a look!" "Where to?" "Aren't you ashamed to watch a woman bathing?" "!" "And where are you going?" "But I'm a girl, too." "Aunty's not a girl;" "She's a woman!" "Do something." "You stand and watch, while she falls inside!" "I can't even watch..." "the doors are shut." "Let me see..." "Relax!" "I'll ask her!" "Aunty!" "What has happened?" "Nothing." "What fell inside?" "It was my blouse." "A blouse?" "Did a blouse make so much of noise?" "!" "Did a blouse make the noise?" "I was in the blouse, too!" "She was there, too." "I see." "That's all right." "You aren't hurt, are you?" "I'll tell you, if I'm hurt." "She'll tell us." "Let me take a look." "What are you doing?" "Will she cook for me?" "What misbehaviour is this!" "Go away!" "Just go away...!" "Don't forget!" "I own the place!" "And you owe me the rent!" "And you're driving me out!" "Don't misunderstand me!" "What do they consider guests to be in India?" "They're called guests!" "Yes." "That's right!" "Yes!" "Guests are like God!" "Yes." "You're right!" "So, what is it?" "I've got to know your secret." "Really?" "What secret?" "You're not a dance assistant alone." "Joseph and I share the secret now." "The drunkard has tattled, has he?" "Not him." "Producer Ranbir Kapoor told me his." "Does he know about it, too?" "Of course." "It'll be out in the newspapers tomorrow." "In the newspapers, too?" "Yes." "I've sent the news!" "You're not an assistant director anymore." "You've been promoted." "Jaiprakash Paswan is now an independent choreographer!" "What a cold reaction!" "No!" "It means the same!" "Won't you reward me for the good news I've brought?" "What do you want?" "Don't you remember?" "No!" "This won't do!" "What if someone sees us?" "You mean aunty?" "Yes." "That's how you hurt your own feet!" "So let's go..." "Okay..." "I mean, I've got to go to the loo!" "But aunty's using it now." "I'll go after she comes out." "I have a lot to do!" "When must I come again?" "When I'm not around" "This is very soft..." "like velvet." "Naturally." "It's pure silk." "It cost us 4,000 Rupees." "Sleeping in this is so much fun, as if..." "As much fun as it is in your husband's arms, right?" "Don't take of fence." "I said that only because..." "I enjoyed the bliss of Cashmere silk, on a mat with my husband." "Hand me the pillow-cover." "Who's this handsome hiding in your pillow?" "Is he your brother?" "He seems to be young." "Must be your elder brother then?" "Why do you always giggle?" "Go away." "He was my husband." "Was?" "Is he no more?" "Gosh!" "Don't say that!" "Have you had a drivorsh?" "It's "divorce", aunty." "Not drivorsh." "He's pretty good looking." "Looks can be misleading." "Give me that." "May I say something?" "A young couple can separate... but parents must never be done apart." "Never mind that." "Go and see what Bharti is doing." "Let me work!" "You're always working." "When do I tickle you then?" "This sieve is steaming hot!" "It could hurt you." "Well, dear?" "What are you doing here?" "I came here for a soft-drink." "What are you messing with the refrigerator for?" "I want a fruity." "It's over, I say." "Go away." "I want one!" "Go away!" "Didn't I warn you, dear?" "You've burnt your hand now." "Look what has happened, Mom!" "Don't disturb me, Bharti." "Let me work." "Aunty!" "See what's wrong with Bharti." "So what's wrong?" "What happened?" "Kaushalya has burnt my hand." "Burnt you, did she?" "!" "But what happened?" "She burnt Banwa first and then me, too." "Banwa?" "What was he doing there?" "He was only tickling her." "I see." "What I saw was the night-show;" "He's into the matinees now!" "Let's apply some ointment..." "Why did you go there anyway?" "I went for a soft-drink and she didn't let me open the fridge." "The thief?" "She must have had it herself." "She's stolen so much already." "Is that the truth?" "Of course." "All right." "Papa will set it right!" "Aunt will set it right, you mean!" "Well..." "Aunt will!" "Back to the table, Bharti." "I've got an order for 50000 pairs of shoes from Italy, sir." "The manager has left his file." "Good." "But he said we can't execute the order." "Why not?" "Slaying animals is tough... thanks to the animal protection groups." "They're protesting atrocities against animals in the Capital." "You'll get a shock, Bharti." "Kaushalya... you switch it on." ""Listen to the secret news from Bharti"" ""There are many thefts taking place at No. 10, Juhu Scheme"" ""Our reporter, Aunty, is investigating the robberies"" ""We present a special report"" "You even steal!" "That's not me!" "They're playing such dirty tricks on film stars, too!" "The aunt is jealous of me!" "You mustn't say that, dear!" "This is only a trailer." "Had I shot the whole show we'd have had a video-library!" "You're lying!" "Stop this nonsense!" "Let me talk to her, sir." "Well, Kaushi?" "Why did you do that?" "You dare steal here, Kaushalya!" "Impudent woman!" "Dangerous woman, sir!" "She's playing the Bandit Queen!" "You, too?" "Shut up!" "Who else, if not I?" "!" "The neighbours won't ask if my house is robbed!" "I ran out of battery, or I'd have shot the night-scene..." "The day-scene is all so obvious!" "Why'd we need night-scenes?" "Call the police, Banwa." "That's not necessary, sir!" "I'll personally throw her out!" "Shameless creature!" "You dare bite the hand that feeds!" "Will you do all that in my presence, Banwa!" "Yes." "The garden is the ideal place." "Let's go..." "The plate, Banwa..." "Sure." "Clap on!" "I said, the plate." "...that you're holding." "Get out!" "This home is temple for us!" "Right?" "You're right, sir." "Go on... don't mind this!" "Go away!" "Let me not see you around again!" "Thanks, Laxmi." "You have awakened us today." "I wonder how many thieves we have at home!" "She'll play Alibaba and drive away the thieves, grandpa." "I threw her out of the gate, sir!" "I'd throw her out of town, if I could." "I'll find another maid in a couple of days." "Why a maid?" "Why not a male?" "We can find a good cook." "With a maid around, maybe..." "You win, aunt!" "A male would be perfect." "I'll find a cook soon." "That's okay." "What do we eat till then?" "I'll cook." "I did it for 5 years in my house." "No thank you." "You people have been flesh-eaters!" "You must help her, Laxmi." "I can't stand the smell of flesh in this house!" "Go to the market with her." "Very well." "What's so funny?" "You're always giggling!" "But they're tomatoes!" "I suggested we go to the air-conditioned and clean Foodland." "But Aunt had to insist..." "It's not good to buy vegetables from such a dirty place, aunt." "We have you with us for safety, don't we?" "Would you like some ladyfinger?" "Go and get some bunches of fenugreek from there, aunt." "Why must you need something so bitter?" "Papa loves it, aunt." "Give it to him everyday... and he'll will all his property to you." "If only fenugreek could get his property..." "Two kilos each of potatoes, tomatoes and ladyfinger." "Has Uncle spoken to you?" "About what?" "About us, that is..." "Could we have some gourd?" "What insolence is this?" "!" "Was that insolence?" "What d'you think you're doing?" "No English, feller!" "You need a slap to rid you of your shamelessness!" "Don't mess with him." "Let's move." "He held my hand!" "And you talk of going away!" "Talk to me, lady!" "Never mind this chap." "Are you a cop?" "Talk to this man!" "She's like your sister..." "Your sister maybe!" "To me, she looks like a ravishing film-star!" "Don't touch me." "Or else..." "I haven't yet." "But here goes!" "I'll show you now...!" "Let me see what you have." "Let go of my hand!" "Let go of her hand first." "Go away, Janki." "Come along, aunty!" "Take the doctor and leave!" "Take Mom away, Bharti!" "Let's go, Mom!" "Please!" "I'm about to lose my temper!" "Let go of my hand!" "No one dares touch me here!" "Bloody rat!" "You can touch women!" "But women can't touch you, eh?" "I want to ask your Mom what she ate before delivering you!" "Shera!" "Ashok!" "Kaliya!" "I spare you because you're a woman." "Or else..." "Don't just stand here!" "Split!" "Where to?" "Come here!" "Don't stand and watch!" "Get her!" "Bravo, aunt!" "That was wonderful!" "Maa!" "Remember your Maa now?" "Always remember her, before you touch another woman." "You can even remember me." "Sure, Mom!" "Call me "aunt"...not Mom!" "You were great, young lady!" "Thank you, Laxmi." "What for?" "This is my duty." "Not for the juice." "You did me a great favour yesterday." "You have protected my children like a member of the family." "They're dear to me, too." "Anything could have happened, if you were not there." "The worthless doctor just fled!" "And I was thinking of getting him married to Janki." "I've changed my mind!" "The doctor does not deserve Janki!" "Have you asked Janki too?" "Why ask her?" "She has no sense either." "Maybe she loves him." "She was in love with that idiot of a film-man too!" "But what happened?" "She ran away from the home and me, you know?" "But I didn't give up!" "I have brought her back!" "And that, too, after she has a child!" "I see... but how did you accomplish all this?" "One has to apply his mind for the children's welfare." "One cannot live on love alone." "One needs money." "One needs comforts..." "And luxuries, too." "What happened?" "My heart..." "Janki!" "Janki!" "I want a truck-load of flowers." "Have the house washed..." "Have the boss's white attire ironed." "And I want 200 kgs of ice..." "That's a must!" "We'll lay the boss's body on that... or his body will stink till his brother arrives from Nepal." "He must be given a National Hero's farewell!" "He is leaving us so much!" "I'll ask his daughter and let you know more." "Hang on." "What happened?" "Everything is fine." "Call off everything!" "Bless aunt!" "The worst could have happened if she had not rushed you here on time." "She carried you all the way as if you were a child!" "You ought to take part in the Olympics, aunt!" "India would be assured of at least one gold medal." "Never mind that, doctor." "Is the master okay now?" "He's absolutely fine." "Aunty!" "How will I..." "Why are you making her cry?" "Leave her alone." "Ask the doctor when we can take the boss home, dear." "Today itself." "And Dr. Rohit is around for help, too." "Let's go home, uncle." "Get well soon." "We've got a lot to decide." "No, Rohit." "You're a good doctor, I know." "But let's leave it at that." "What do you say, Laxmi?" "Place some money in aunt's plate, grandpa." "Why do I need to do that, dear?" "After all that she has done for us we ought to give her the keys of the family." "Use keys on locks, sir." "Place some change in it now." "Treat that like a golden biscuit!" "Come on, sir..." "I'll take that." "Coming, sir." "Did you call me?" "I've been alone for 20 years, after Lajwanti's death." "I have never missed female company in all these years." "You have served me so well now, Lakshi!" "I don't think a wife would have taken so much of care!" "See that?" "My wife wants just what I wish for." "You must take Lajwanti's place in this family now." "We clash again!" "As if we were separated in our last birth!" "Jai's waiting for you." "There!" "I've startled you!" "I always say he's not in and you say you know!" "And you say "You've told me"" "I've trapped you this time!" "He's not in!" "I know that." "How did you know?" "You just told me so." "Damn it!" "I'm trapped again!" "Laxmi!" "It's me...!" "When did you arrive from outside?" "I'm going out." "But when did you arrive?" "I said I'm going out." "Okay?" "Why have you locked that aunt in?" "Chachi's gone out." "Impossible!" "I just saw her coming up the stairs!" "This thing about in and out is a long story, Haribhai." "When aunt went upstairs..." "you saw her, I didn't." "And both of us didn't see when I went upstairs." "How could I see myself?" "I'm leaving, after all." "But you're watching me climb down the stairs." "But you saw aunt go upstairs, I didn't." "And both of us didn't see her going downstairs." "Right?" "Err?" "Right, all right." "You'd rather take the left, and forget the right." "Listen to me..." "Yes?" "I have something important to discuss with you." "About the rent?" "Forget the rent!" "Forget it?" "Really?" "Sure." "But I have a condition." "You must do something for me." "What is it?" "You know I've been alone since my wife died 20 years ago." "I've never missed female company earlier..." "I've heard that one before!" "Damn these rickshaw-drivers!" "Now listen carefully..." "I always do." "That woman and I..." "Which woman?" "Laxmi..." "I see my wife Mangala in her!" "She has the same eyes, same features... same gait!" "I swear!" "This is an action replay!" "Exactly!" "Everything about her is an action replay of my wife!" "My heart says that too!" "Get me my Laxmi!" "Please!" "If Aunt gets to know of this, she'd be really offended." "Not at all!" "D'you know what she threw at me today?" "This!" "The box?" "That would break my head!" "She threw a rose at me!" "Did that fall on you?" "On my heart, actually." "Now look; suppose you're walking down the street..." "But I'm standing here." "Just suppose so!" "And a crow flying overhead drops excrement on your head." "Just suppose so!" "Will you fall for the crow, too?" "What a rotten joke!" "A crow and Laxmi, eh?" "I'll throw you out!" "Just listen..." "She's terribly angry with Durgaprasad which is why she threw the rose at you." "Durgaprasad?" "Now who the hell is that?" "I'm trapped..." "Her brother-in-law, eh?" "Not her brother-in-law." "He's her husband." "She said she was alone!" "Where did the husband spring from?" "He had left her?" "Left her where?" "A husband is no baggage to be carried around!" "He's left on a pilgrimage." "That's wonderful!" "A thorn out of my path!" "But he will return." "How's that?" "He has a return ticket." "God!" "I'll have the railways cancel his ticket!" "I want Laxmi!" "I've no interest in life without Laxmi anymore!" "Has Kishan paid you his rent?" "Not in the last 6 months!" "Haribhai?" "I'm in a hurry..." "See you later." "Look after my connection;" "I'll go after the collection!" "Who's throwing the litter around?" "That's no litter..." "Siraj!" "What are you doing here?" "And what's this?" "Have you left Grand Hotel?" "Yes." "This set-up is my own." "Have you bought it then?" "What's that?" "A Hindu name?" "What's in a name?" "One must serve tea, after all!" "Don't lie!" "Shut up!" "It's because of you that he got into trouble." "Where'd he get the 5000 Rupees he paid your surety from?" "Speak the truth!" "Where did the 5000 Rupees come from?" "I wish I had." "They caught me putting back the money!" "You should've told them that you're putting the money back!" "They didn't let me speak!" "They chased me and I ran!" "But this job is not for you!" "Ajob is a job, after all!" "I only have to earn my living." "Yes." "I miss the respect I got as a chef." "Forget it!" "I was sick of the hotel-life anyway." "I'm thinking of joining the movies now." "Get me a role, will you?" "If I become a star, I will soon join politics." "I could even become a minister soon after." "You want to act, don't you?" "Of course!" ""Killing two birds with one stone"" "Wonderful!" "That's a great title for a film!" "I play the stone, all right." "Who are the birds?" "You will play both the roles." "A dual role?" "!" "No." "You will play a cook!" "A cook even in films?" "!" "There are songs, I hope?" "You're going to the in-laws' place, not for a role." "Why send me there?" "Will you have me released?" "Not the cop-house!" "My in-laws!" "They need a cook." "Wow!" "My head on the block?" "!" "But they're Brahmins!" "You must play a Hindu cook, although you're a Muslim!" "And cook what?" "Biryani?" "And paya?" "Remove the meat from the rice and the dish turns vegetarian." "Don't worry." "There's a woman working there, Aunt Laxmi." "She'll take care if you tell her you're my friend." "Folks there must be highly educated." "If I speak..." "Only if you speak, that is." "What does that mean?" "Is Babu your name?" "What was that "Ba" and "Bu"?" "Not numerology, is it?" "All he means to say is that he's been dumb since birth." "I see." "He lost his speech in an accident 20 years ago." "But you just said he was born dumb!" "Yes." "He could speak a little before the mishap but turned absolutely dumb after the accident." "But he cooks well." "He can prepare any vegetable dish." "Will you cook anything I write and give you?" "Why write?" "The poor chap can't speak." "But we can." "And he's not deaf." "What's the name?" "Shiraj (a Muslim name)." "I mean, it's Shivraj." "(a Hindu name)." "And what does the other "S" stand for?" "Shivraj Sharma." "He cooks well." "Since you're a Brahmin, you must know the hymns!" "We want him to cook, not to perform a ritual for us!" "It's good to know, sir." "You must've been reciting the hymns before the accident, right?" "The Gayatri Mantra, too?" "You can't speak, all right." "But you must sing for us." "Recite the Gayatri Mantra for us." "That's enough." "Employ him." "But tell him that we're vegetarians..." "I don't want any flesh or fish in this household." "What?" "He says let alone fish, not even a fly will enter the house!" "Right?" "Take him inside." "Mr Sharma..." "Shivraj Sharma!" "Let's go in!" "Aunty...!" "Coming." "Where are you?" "In here." "Give me the towel." "What are you staring at?" "What's wrong?" "It's been days, you know..." "Don't stay in the water for long." "You'll catch a cold." "What's wrong?" "Nothing." "It's me." "Please fasten this, please." "What's your size, aunt?" " 48 C." "That sounds like a bus number!" "So much of junk!" "I can't find a thing in this drawer!" "What are you looking for?" "A safety pin!" "Remind me to clear out the mess tomorrow." " 5 kilos of gourd... that's what we call it here in Mumbai." "What's going on over here?" "Today's the Karva Chauth." "So?" "Women today fast for the long lives of their husbands." "You should know all this." "I do." "But how am I concerned?" "Oh God!" "I thought you'd fast and pray..." "I've called so many other women over." "Okay." "I'll ask them to return." "No." "Let them be since they're here." "But ask me before you do it next time." "Tea?" "No." "Juice?" "I want nothing!" "Can't I stay hungry for a day." "I can't hear you..." "Just a minute." "What's going on?" "What is it?" "I want to hear Macarena!" "Not now." "We have guests." "You can't be stubborn with me." "Now quietly come downstairs." "I'm ready." "How do I look?" "You always look good." "Why are you crying?" "Mom doesn't listen to me!" "Stop crying and tell me what you want." "I want to listen to Macarena!" "There's going to be music here soon." "Their music?" "Yuck!" "I want Macarena!" "Sing the song you sang the other day, aunty." "Not today." "I have an irritation in my throat today." "No one sings a song when we assemble for it!" "Yes." "Some can't sing and some have a bad throat." "Sharma!" "You can't even speak!" "How will you sing?" "You sing a song, aunty." "Yes." "Sing for us, Laxmi." "What was that?" "Pali or Sanskrit?" "Explain the meaning of the song to us, Laxmi." "Very well." "It was fun..." "I see you wearing that for the first time." "You look great." "Is it only for today, or..." "Don't get excited, aunt." "What's a matrimonial necklace with so many others?" "Aunty..." "Yes?" "Yes?" "God!" "What have you done?" ""The lovers moustache tickles", doesn't it?" "I've shaved it!" "I can see what you want." "You misunderstand, sir!" "This is... a cross-connection!" "What?" "Let me put it plainly." "What you are dreaming of can never be true!" "But what are you scared of?" "Wouldn't you be scared if a man proposed to you?" "It's wrong." "Cancel it!" "I've had it with Hari once!" "Who's Hari?" "Hart's my husband." "But he's Godbole, isn't he?" "True but I'm married!" "Obviously." "But you never spoke of it." "I thought..." "He went away on a pilgrimage ten years ago." "You never mentioned that." "You never asked either." "You just thrust a rose in my hand." "What could I do?" "!" "He's been away for 10 years." "He won't return!" "What if he does?" "In that case I'll get you a divorce." "Have you nothing else to do?" "We can wear as many rings as we want on our fingers." "But women wear only one matrimonial necklace around their neck." "Laxi!" "You're not in the mood!" "But that's all right." "I'll await your answer." "And I'll wait for my husband!" "...my God!" "Aunty!" "Here comes the detective for you!" "Hey, wait...!" "I've got to follow the woman!" "Not the vehicle!" "Watch where you're going!" "Mister... does the dog bite?" "No." "Out of my way...!" "You said it wouldn't bite!" "It's not my dog." "Laxmi!" "Haribhai?" "!" "Don't call me "bhai" (brother)!" "Anything else will do!" "All right." "I have something important to say to you." "Of course." "Come inside..." "No." "Keep walking..." "You gave me a rose, right?" "Did I?" "When did I?" "!" "You gave it to Jai." "And Jai..." "I get it." "It's between us." "Why drag Jaiprakash into this?" "All right, Hari..." "what's wrong?" "Your touch has awoken the music in me!" "That's the background score." "Who was playing it?" "It happens in emotional scenes." "Was it the radio?" "I've got to give you some news." "Your husband is dead, isn't he?" "But don't worry..." "I'm willing to marry a "window"!" "Window?" "Aren't you a window now?" "!" "It's Widow; not window." "Never mind!" "But we will still meet!" "No." "We will not." "Two gardeners and a rose." "What?" "!" "Don't look back." "But that man there..." "The chap with the blue shorts?" "Yes." "Don't worry; the shorts won't fit him!" "That's his problem!" "So?" "He's been following me!" "Following you?" "!" "Don't worry!" "I'll fix him!" "Keep this..." "Make a hole in this and have it." "Okay?" "I'm secretary to Bhardwaj and Bhardwaj the name is Banwarilal Pandit." "Have you seen the woman?" "Which woman?" "The well-endowed one." "She was..." "Are you talking about Laxmi?" "You know her?" "You are God-sent!" "I am God-sent and I'll give you some of God's offerings now!" "You tease women in our area!" "Hey!" "What's wrong?" "Have you no womenfolk at home?" "How are you, Shantabai?" "Are they having a fight there?" "Yes." "Which is why I've brought these coconuts for you." "Make a hole in this and have it." "I know that." "But, aunt..." "My God!" "Now look... hear me out!" "Yawning like a princess, eh?" "Aren't you ashamed?" "What is this?" "A finger." "What else?" "Acting smart!" "Here goes..." "That's one finger." "How many are these?" "Two." "And how many are these?" "Your finger is swollen!" "Naturally!" "I gave you a blow!" "But I won't spare you..." "Why are awakening me only to hit me?" "Will you realise it if you're bashed up unconscious?" "That explains it!" "No!" "Call the police!" "You're an ill-mannered man!" "No!" "What are you up to?" "!" "The poor man will die!" "He teases women in our area!" "What nonsense?" "!" "I'm glad you've come!" "Save me from this bear!" "You call me a bear?" "!" "Relax..." "See that he doesn't move." "Sit down there!" "What's up, sir?" "Do you know him?" "Who is he?" "I could tell you." "But you won't believe me." "Of course, I will!" "He's Laxmi's husband." "Her husband?" "!" "No!" "I can't believe that!" "But you just said you would!" "He says his name is Banwari." "And you said her husband's name was Durgaprasad!" "Have I told you that, too?" "Are there two husbands then?" "Not two husbands." "The husband has two names." "Laxmi fondly addresses Durgaprasad as Banwarilal." "Really?" "You can't believe me." "Try calling Durgaprasad now using the name Banwarilal." "Yes?" "Aren't you called Banwarilal?" "Yes, sir." "Banwarilal!" "Durgaprasad!" "Isn't that right?" "Absolutely!" "I agree it's sad for you to be separated..." "But I..." "That's enough." "Come here..." "Laxmi's husband has had a change." "Change?" "With whom?" "A change of heart, I mean!" "He wants a compromise." "Nip it in the bud!" "No!" "How can we interfere?" "Then what happens of me?" "What happens of my love?" "Just forget her." "Forget her?" "Yes." "Forget Laxmi, eh?" "How many days since Kishan has paid you?" "He still owes me a thousand bucks for the last 3 months." "Why did you ask?" "I just saw him going." "But..." "Where is he?" "!" "Hey Kishan!" "Is that the S.P.'s residence?" "Can I speak to him?" "Whom are you calling?" "The police, of course." "No." "Please don't!" "What are you doing?" "I won't spare that fatso!" "No!" "Aunt will be dragged to the police station, too!" "Why will she?" "Because aunty sent him to give you a thrashing." "How are they related?" "Should I tell you?" "You won't believe me." "Of course, I will." "That man is her husband." "Chachi's husband is Godbole;" "A Maharashtrian." "This man is a Gujarati." "I know." "He has converted." "What a shame!" "All said and done, aunty has a dubious character." "She's already married to Haribhai and she's even ensnaring your father-in-law!" "And that old man too keeps following her around!" "Then go and tell him what you have just seen!" "He'll be disgusted and throw her out." "And then..." "You can enjoy ruling your territory with Kaushalya." "You can have a free run with the utensils and valuables!" "How did you know that?" "I saw it on video." "In that case, it'll soon be out on cable TV!" "Who gave them the rights?" "Something has to be done about video piracy!" "Later!" "First tell your boss that aunt's husband is back." "He's back!" "Has he returned from Kashi?" "I swear by the cellular, sir!" "You behave as if cellular were God!" "How is he to look at?" "He looks mad!" "He has even converted." "His real name is not Godbole..." "It's Hari." "How did you know that?" "Never mind how I know." "But how do you know all this?" "I was following aunt around." "And why were you following her?" "Everyone was following her." "So I too joined in!" "But that thug caught hold of me alone!" "He gave me a thrashing and even a mad-dog bit me!" "But I didn't let anything happen to your cellular!" "What happened then?" "The dear son-in-law arrived." "Dear, my foot!" "It was that buffoon, Jaiprakash!" "How did he get there?" "He was passing by and he was the one who saved me." "I asked him not to stick to me and to keep his distance!" "But aunt hasn't a very good character, sir." "To begin with, there is confusion over her husband." "What is worse, she had lots of fun in a gents toilet!" "This aunt..." "Aunty!" "You have a long life!" "I've been praising you!" "But not in your presence, no!" "I'll order the car to take you to the jewellers, sir." "What's that on your forehead?" "Must be wrinkles." "The marks above the wrinkles?" "It hurt yesterday..." "it shows today!" "I'm going to buy some jewellery for Janki and Bharti." "Why don't you come along, too?" "What would I do there?" "You're a member of this family, too." "Come along." "Grandpa!" "Hurry up!" "Yes, I'm coming, Janki!" "You must come, too." "Your laughter will give my game away!" "No way!" "No one knows what I know." "Stop it now!" "Do you like this?" "Very much." "Mom is buying so much." "Don't you want anything?" "No." "Why not?" "Mom's Dad has lots of money." "My Papa has nothing." "Who says?" "I have enough." "I'm now a choreographer." "I have wads in my shorts." "Buy anything you wish." "No." "Not now." "We'll come later." "I'll pay you 150 in cash and a cheque of 300." "Okay?" "No, sir." "I'm sorry, we can't give it to you." "Go away." "But..." "Please go away." "Great stuff..." "I'm sorry, madam!" "Jai!" "You?" "I'm not Jai!" "I'm Laxmi!" "My wife gave me 300 Rupees for an anklet..." "I blew up half of it at the liquor-den on my way!" "He's not willing to give it to me at 150." "So lend me 150 bucks if you have it..." "No." "I don't have the money!" "Don't lie, you wretch!" "Cough it up!" "I have the money in my shorts." "But I can't get it out!" "Can't you?" "You must have some change here or there." "Let me have it, or I'll myself get it..." "What misbehaviour is that with a woman?" "Who are you?" "Wonderful!" "You ask me!" "Who the hell are you?" "Want to know who he is?" "No." "I mean, yes!" "Yes?" "He has returned from the pilgrimage!" "My husband!" "Disgusting!" "He's drunk so early in the day!" "I didn't know Hari was a drunkard." "Who's this third party?" "I'd any day challenge him to a bout of drinking!" "My name is Joseph." "You have converted again!" "Damn you!" "The things you do!" "He's drunk on credit and he's asking me for money." "Send him away with some money, if you're carrying it." "Please!" "Here you are... and get out!" "Give me another 50 bucks..." "Hey, this is 500 Rupees!" "I asked only for 150!" "What nonsense is that?" "Okay; you're her husband but you can't behave like that publicly!" "You have the money now!" "Get lost!" "Very well." "I'll go away." "Drink to your heart's content, Joseph." "You asked for a hundred thousand Rupees, sir..." "That's for me!" "Relax!" "Are you starting a new business?" "No." "I'm winding up an old business." "Now look; this box contains a hundred thousand Rupees." "It's for you." "You must forget her, after taking this." "Forget whom?" "Your second idea is brilliant!" "What should I do, when my money is over in two years and I begin to miss her?" "Then call on me." "Forget her." "You have given me your word." "Do not go back on it." "I can have a slip of tongue, but I don't go back on it." "I swear on his head!" "Laxmi is not my wife!" "What's he saying?" "But this man is not Laxmi's husband, sir!" "That's exactly what he's saying." "He is not Laxmi's husband!" "That's what I'm saying!" "I am not Laxmi's husband!" "The only Laxmi (Goddess of Wealth) I know is with me!" "Hear me out, sir..." "Did you send for me?" "Yes." "Look who's here." "Good God!" "What are you doing here?" "What's he doing here, I say!" "I've called Laxmi's husband here." "Hari should've been here then!" "Will you keep quiet, please?" "This man is now my husband." "Didn't I say she's a shady one?" "She has two husbands!" "There's no need to get emotional." "This Joseph was earlier Hari and Godbole." "Who on earth is Godbole..." "I won't talk to you!" "You've forgotten everything in your drunkenness!" "You've forgotten Godbole!" "And you will forget Hari, Joseph and me, too!" "I have forgotten nothing and I won't in future either." "Even if Hari converts to Godbole, that's only in name not in appearance, all right?" "But who told you that Hari is my husband?" "Jai told me, of course." "I'm not Jai!" "I'm Laxmi!" "Only I can decide who my husband is!" "Well said, Laxmi!" "Hang on, sir!" "Let's begin at the beginning!" "It began with Joseph and Hari and Godbole..." "Just go away, Banwa!" "Godbole converted and became Hari." "And then..." "Go away, or I will fire you, Banwa!" "Sorry, sir." "But aunty..." "tell me what you've decided!" "Who has converted to what?" "!" "What have you come here for?" "Watch out!" "You're right!" "I shouldn't have landed here between you!" "I'm really a third-rate man!" "I'd welcome such "beatings" anyday, without a protest!" "You are my husband!" "I will not let you get "beaten" up!" "Please let me!" "Haven't you been through hell for me, too?" "Don't I have this much of a right?" "What about mine?" "One can't spend a lifetime with 4000!" "And that bloody mobike has no takers!" "You get his hand..." "and I get the dough!" "She now belongs to you!" "Your hand is now in mine!" "And my life is in your hands." "The ball is now in your court!" "Mr Jaiprakash... you have done many films as an assistant and you're now an independent choreographer." "Do I switch it off?" "No!" "Let it play." "How do you find it?" "It's a great feeling." "Let it play, Bharti." "Papa's on telly." "Papa inside and Papa outside, too!" "Don't tease her, baby..." "Come on." ""You want to know about my personal life?" "Strange"" "How would it remain personal, if I speak about it publicly?" "May I leave?" "I want to ask you some questions about your family." "Aren't they personal, too?" "Atleast tell the viewers if you are married or not." "Sure, I am." "How many kids do you have?" "I have two kids..." "two daughters, actually." "The first one is still small, but the other is elder." "Normally, the first one is elder, right?" "All right." "Have it your way." "Actually, the first daughter studies in Class 2." "And what class does the other one attend?" "She's in an upper-standard;" "She's all of 27... my wife!" "She celebrates her birthday on the 11 th of the next month." "So he remembers." "Wasn't it your birthday yesterday?" "My viewers would like to know more about your kids." "Must I switch it off?" ""Especially the elder one"" "The elder one is more childish than the younger one." "She's always asking for things like the kids do." "I gave her everything." "And one fine day, she asked for a divorce and I let her have that, too." "I'm sorry." "We didn't know you have separated." "She thinks so." "But I have never separated from her." "I am still with her." "Do you still love her?" "Tell our viewers... not me." "You are putting words in my mouth!" "But I will speak the truth." "Laws can break marriages..." "they can't break love." "Yes..." "I love her." "Do you still love him?" "Do you want me to call him over?" "No." "I know he doesn't need me now." "But neither do I." "Very well..." "Why are you crying?" "You've made my mother cry!" "I'll tell her everything!" "No!" "Not yet!" "Why not?" "Because only I need her now." "She doesn't need me." "All right." "I've got him!" "The dumbo has been exposed!" "Sir!" "The latest news for you!" "That he's a Muslim, isn't it?" "You are omniscient, sir!" "How did you know?" "Obviously." "Godbole converted to Hari and then became Joseph." "He only had to become a Muslim now." "What's so surprising?" "All you talk about is aunty!" "I have some fresh news for you!" "That Shivraj is actually a Muslim." "And he can speak!" "What nonsense are you talking?" "You think I'm crazy!" "But just wait!" "Shivraj!" "Get the master a cup of tea!" "Greet him in Muslim style..." ""As salaam aliekom" okay?" "Assalaam aliekom..." "Valiekom..." "What next?" "See that, sir?" "Bloody cheat!" "You have been betraying me!" "You never told me you're a Muslim!" "Please forgive me, sir." "I have sinned!" "It's true that I'm a Muslim." "But I'm surely dumb!" "Then how did you speak so much?" "Won't I, if I'm kicked?" "Aunty's the root of all evil!" "She employed this man!" "As for Aunty, I say you..." "Welcome!" "Have you been praising me?" "No!" "This chap Shivraj..." "Is a Muslim and he can speak." "Is that what you want to say?" "Now look...!" "Will you remain silent?" "Will you give me a minute, sir?" "I must talk to you." "No, sir... not at all!" "It's a trap!" "He's had it!" "You have sinned by employing a Muslim cook in my house!" "I admit I have lied to you." "But I must have a reason." "What reason can there be behind such a great lie?" "There are two reasons." "He is poor and honest." "I know him since he used to work in an Irani restaurant." "How disgusting!" "Working in an Irani non-vegetarian eatery!" "My God!" "My house has been defiled, Laxmi!" "I wish to say something, but please don't take of fence." "There's not much difference between you and Shiraj." "I don't even touch flesh!" "And he slaughters cattle everyday!" "He does it to earn a living." "And I wonder how many animals you order slayed because you want their hides for bags, belts and shoes which you export." "But that's my business!" "This is his business, too." "You have animals killed, too." "Perhaps more than those who eat them." "If I'm not mistaken, this house and the room of prayers is all a result of those earnings from hide, isn't it?" "Ever since he has come here, he hasn't touched meat." "Wouldn't you call that a change?" "But there's no change in you whatsoever." "Animals are still being slaughtered in your factory." "Maybe I've spoken more than I should have." "I'm sorry." "I'll sack him, if you still don't approve..." "Is Shivraj a Muslim?" "Yes!" "He even speaks!" "Give the lady a sample." "What will I say?" "Shut up!" "You were better off as a dumbo!" "Have you heard, Papa?" "Shivraj is a Muslim!" "Aunty!" "How could you tell us such a great lie?" "I did not speak the truth." "But I did not lie either." "That's enough!" "You can't get away with that sweet-talk!" "I will get to the truth right now!" "Speak up!" "Shut up!" "And mind your own business." "What are you saying, Papa!" "You've been eating at the hands of a non-vegetarian and you defend a woman who has condemned us to sacrilege?" "!" "Did you commit no sacrilege when you cooked meat in your husband's house for 6 years?" "You mustn't scold the child..." "I am not your child!" "Don't interfere between us!" "Get out!" "I don't want to talk to you!" "Go upstairs!" "Why must I go upstairs?" "Have I no right to this house?" "Doesn't it belong to me?" "No." "This is not your house!" "You have walked out of your home!" "This house belongs to Durgaprasad Bhardwaj!" "Now go upstairs!" "Grant me your leave, aunty!" "Where are you off to?" "You can bloody well speak!" "Talk properly!" "I'm going home, sir." "Who will cook for us?" "Go the kitchen and get cracking." "And remember..." "I'm a vegetarian." "We will not permit flesh and fish in this family!" "If you wish to stay here, you will have to abide by my rules!" "Haven't I changed?" "Is everything okay now?" "No." "What's the matter now?" "You have told your daughter that this is not her house." "But have you shown her the way to her own home?" "I don't understand, darling." "You're 60." "And you're still looking for a life-mate." "But will your daughter spend the rest of her life all alone?" "Had Lajwanti been alive today, for Janki's sake she'd have seen that Janki settles down again." "I'm younger to you, no doubt." "Please don't mind what I'm..." "Lajwanti!" "I have decided to bring back my son-in-law." "What do you say?" "Lajwanti has agreed with me!" "She has blessed them!" "I'll be on my way!" "Where are you going?" "I'm going to my son-in-law to bring him back!" "He won't be at home now." "Why not?" "I think he's busy shooting somewhere right now." "Wherever he is, I will cajole him into coming back." "Then let me leave, too." "I must go and change." "No." "Not now." "I have scolded Janki." "She must be sulking." "So go and keep her company." "I'll meet my son-in-law, set everything right and return." "Aunt made a fool out of the old man in public!" "I'm afraid, she might lure the boss, too." "Do you know what you are saying, Banwa?" "I know what you're thinking!" "You can't see the obvious!" "Don't you see how she has wrested control of the family?" "Excuse me..." "It's the month-end." "You will get nothing!" "I want to meet Mr Jaiprakash." "You've made me miss my count!" "You can't meet him now." "He returns only in the evening." "I have some important work." "But he's not in!" "I'm his father-in-law!" "Must I lie to you then?" "He's not in, I say!" "This is Jaiprakash." "But he's not here now!" "Haribhai!" "This is Jaiprakash on the telephone line!" "There he is." "My father-in-law will arrive there." "He's a bit crazy." "Throw him out immediately." "If you encourage him, you'll have a calamity in hand!" "I won't let you have a calamity, son-in-law!" "Am I son-in-law to you too, Haribhai?" "This is Durgaprasad Bhardwaj speaking." "You?" "!" "I don't know how to talk to you!" "I called you names, taking you for Haribhai!" "You are right, son-in-law." "I have been crazy till now." "Whatever you say is true, sir!" "I come here to apologise to you." "I consider this instrument to be your feet" "Hold it!" "This pau (bread) is mine!" "Please forget everything about the past, my son." "Come and take your wife away." "I want to meet you and discuss this." "Where are you calling from?" "From your place." "My place?" "I'm shooting at a place near your house." "It'll take me time to change and come over." "You don't need to change, son!" "Because I have changed now." "D'you know that it is a woman who has changed my life?" "I know." "But how?" "You've just told me." "Of course!" "Her name is Laxmi." "Say, mister..." "Do you know Laxmi?" "Do you know Laxmi too?" "Do you know Laxmi?" "And you, son-in-law?" "Yes." "She used to cook for me in Janki's absence." "From 6 to 9." "She was at my place from 9 to 5 in the daytime!" "She's been looking after Janki and Bharti for sometime now." "But she never mentioned anything about you." "That's Laxmi!" "She never carries tales!" "A great woman!" "She's like my mother." "A correction, son..." "she's like your mother-in-law." "Not right... she's married." "Her husband is still alive." "I've bought him over." "Nobody told me he could be bought!" "I'd have bought him too!" "What's going on?" "Nothing, son-in-law." "It's just a cross-connection." "Whatever it is..." "it's my phone!" "Don't pass the phone to Haribhai... he's crazy." "Jai!" "You rascal!" "Why're you changing your voice?" "This is Haribhai!" "Haribhai!" "You'd never change your voice!" "You have betrayed me!" "Why didn't you tell me that Laxmi is up for sale?" "I tell you now!" "She's sold!" "Pass the phone to him!" "How did you buy her?" "In the black-market!" "I will wait here for you, son-in-law!" "No!" "Please go on." "I'll come over today to take Janki away!" "Very well then." "I will hang up now." "Have you just had a bath?" "No!" "Is it Kerosene?" "Yes!" "What madness is this?" "It's you who will go mad when you see me in flames!" "But why do this?" "You've betrayed the boss!" "I've done nothing of the sort!" "You're talking nonsense!" "Don't you know how much he loves you?" "You'd better agree for the wedding." "Or else..." "No weddings, sir!" "I'm already married!" "So what?" "I already have a husband!" "The drunkard is no patch on my boss!" "He fled with the dough!" "My boss is a decent man!" "But I'm a man, too!" "There's no bigger man than my master!" "Maybe I'm younger..." "But I'm certainly a man." "Shiraj!" "I'm Jai!" "Try again!" "You can't con me with a different voice!" "Damn it!" "I'm your buddy..." "Jaiprakash Paswan!" "Won't do!" "You will soon claim you're Durgaprasad!" "I didn't light it!" "No!" "Please spare me..." "I don't want to see this!" "Aunty!" "This is outstanding!" "I've never seen something like this!" "This is a whorehouse!" "You're right!" "I won't stay here another moment!" "Listen to me..." "where are you going?" "I'm going home... to Jai." "Tell Dad that I will never return to this hell!" "What if Jai demands a test by fire and refuses to accept you?" "There has to be a woman there too!" "Although we are divorced, he still loves me, Banwa." "He's not like that." "There can be no woman in his life except me!" "Bring Bharti to Jai's place when she returns from school." "Please don't do this!" "What will I tell the master?" "Wow!" "That was fun, wasn't it?" "Don't take your arms off her!" "The boss eyes her and she eyes others!" "This is no joke!" "I'll have you sacked today!" "And Janki has left..." "she will not come back." "Where did she go?" "She saw you at it and returned to her husband's house." "To her husband's home?" "Give me the arm, aunty!" "A woman hits me!" "What does he have that I don't?" "All right." "Give him the rest of the kicks, Shiraj!" "A call...!" "Kaushi?" "Let's meet after some days." "I'm at it now..." "It'll take me some days to revive!" "You don't know me, but I do." "Aren't you Janki?" "Who are you?" "I'm Jai's partner." "Jai's not in." "Are those your clothes?" "They're someone else's." "Someone else?" "Aunt Laxmi." "She comes here every night." "Laxmi!" "Not here too!" "In the night, you say?" "I don't know." "Jai told me that she comes every night." "I'm here by day." "You by day... and Laxmi by night, eh?" "Why target poor Laxmi?" "...please sit down." "Tell him that I've gone away forever!" "But where to?" "To die!" "No!" "Poor Jai will be worried!" "You're worried about him!" "Yes... no!" "Go back there..." "Go on!" "But..." "Go back, I say!" "Where are you, Jai?" "Where's Janki?" "Where's Jai?" "He isn't there." "But I heard him!" "He has left!" "Where is Janki?" "She's gone to kill herself." "She suspects you have something going with Jai." "I do." "That is what I wanted to explain." "How could you do it when Janki and I are still around?" "!" "Bloody wretch..." "I'm sorry!" "I'll explain..." "Wait, Aunty...!" "You try to strangle me!" "Janki!" "Don't...!" "Aunty!" "She comes even here?" "!" "No!" "I can't even die!" "Where are you going?" "To find deeper waters!" "Wait... do you know who I am?" "Of course!" "You're a witch!" "A woman with many men!" "Wrong!" "Look... who I am!" "Oh no!" "God!" "What a woman!" "I don't want to see." "Here you are!" "What's happened, aunt?" "I am Jai..." "look." "Forgive me, Jai!" "I'll never leave you again!" "We'll stay like this forever!" "We'll fall sick like this." "Let's go home and tell Papa everything." "Come on." "We won't tell him anything!" "Why not?" "We won't!" "Period!" "But he has forgiven you!" "He forgave me, because aunty told him to." "But he'd never forgive aunty, if I told him the truth." "What do we do with aunt then?" "Let's kill her." "Kill her?" "No..." "Jai is not dying." "We'll simply say that she died saving you in the waters!" "What about the body?" "We'll produce this." "Janki..." "Lajwanti was only the one who had borne you." "But Laxmi saved you and gave you a second lease of life." "She has left, after doing what she was destined to do!" "No one got Laxmi." "Not her husband nor Mr Durgaprasad..." "I wasn't even in the reckoning." "You're always in the reckoning, Haribai!" "Aren't you ashamed to defame a great soul, Banwa!" "You just said, sir..." "Shut up!" "Get lost!" "Son-in-law!" "Please let him stay!" "We're all brothers!" "Siraj and I are brothers!" "Why have you left me, Laxmi?" "Why cry for Laxmi?" "She hasn't gone anywhere!" "In ten minutes flat..." "You don't know what he really means." "Laxmi lives in our hearts, he says." "The intimate ones understand!" "Nobody else does!" "Yes..." "That's the "gist" of the story, isn't it?" "Exactly!" "That's it!" "Why do you always giggle, Mom?" "I'm sorry!" "Forgive me!"