"I think probably the worst part about getting married is," "(KIDS LAUGHING) whenever you wanna do something alone, you always have to do it together." "Way too much work." "Wives can be scary once you..." "They get angry." "I'd like to marry a girl that's skinny." "* All right!" "* Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!" "(PHONE RINGING)" "Phone!" "We're not here!" "Don't answer that!" "What if it's an emergency?" "Who would call us in an emergency?" "You're panicky, and I'm too big to fit in small spaces." "Hey, I just tried calling you guys." "Why didn't you pick up?" "Because we didn't want to talk to anyone!" "But, boy, is that dream dead." "What, are you guys going on vacation?" "Guess you found someone else to pick up your mail, huh?" "Oh, pull yourself together." "We're just gonna go visit Allison at college for parents' weekend." "Yes, and instead of a hotel," "Eddie has opted for us to stay in the spa-like setting of the dorms." "Yay." "Anyway, I was wondering if you guys knew a good tile guy." "Anytime I try doing home improvements around the house," "Steph turns into a..." "Sort of a..." "Bitch." "Your word." "But, you know, it's big fights and hurt feelings, so this time, I just wanna stay out of it, you know?" "Hire someone to use as a human shield." "I got a guy." "Oh, yeah?" "Does he charge a flat rate or hourly?" "(PHONE RINGS) You know what?" "I don't really remember..." "Sorry, Joy." "Excuse me." "Hello!" "Get out of my house!" "What's wrong with you?" "That bathroom is barbaric." "You'd think they would at least buy some shower curtains." "And one of the other visiting dads was being very thorough with his undercarriage." "What are you doing on my bunk?" "I called bottom." "And I called "hotel."" "But you know, we used to do some pretty fun things in a single." "(PLAYFULLY) Come here, birdie." "(BOTH CHUCKLING)" "Come on!" "Get back there!" "All right." "(BOTH LAUGHING)" "Let me in." "Okay." "Oops." "Careful of the fellas." "(GRUNTS)" "Okay." "How do inmates do this?" "Well, I'm guessing, to them, it's really not about the spooning." "(KNOCK ON DOOR)" "Hey, guys." "Whoa!" "If you're about to do it, you should put a sock on the doorknob." "Paul Nash, single dad, recently divorced." "I'm your suite mate." "I'm round over there." "Don't worry." "I don't smoke." "At least, not cigarettes." "ALLISON:" "Mom?" "Dad?" "Girl on the floor!" "(EDDIE LAUGHING)" "Hi!" "Here she is." "Hi." "Oh!" "Hello, darling." "Hi." "Paul Nash, single dad." "Recently divorced." "I'm rooming with your folks." "Wow." "What a treat for them." "You bet it is." "Hey!" "I'm thinking about getting a keg." "Uh, quarter keg?" "Six-pack?" "Anyone?" "All right, I'm gonna get a tall one for myself." "I hate streaking sober." "So, parents' weekend, huh?" "Let's check out the schedule." "Let's see." "Oh!" "The student union is handing out free condoms." "Wonder how much of my tuition is going to that." "Don't worry, Dad." "I'm not having sex." "Of course you're not, honey!" "She's lying." "Actually, if you guys aren't tempted to chug beers with Paul Nash, single dad, you should come to a show for my pottery class." "Oh." "I didn't know you were taking pottery." "Yeah, well, I kind of had to." "It's a prerequisite for my major." "What major?" "Ceramic Studies." "Really?" "Yeah." "Listen, I said I'd help set up for the show, so I gotta run, but I'll see you guys there?" "We'll be there." "Absolutely." "Looking forward to it." "Okay." "So excited!" "(GROANS) What the hell is going on here?" "I know." "I think she's having sex." "Eddie, we're on a college campus." "Everyone here is having sex but us." "We've got a bigger problem." "Allison just announced that she is majoring in dishware." "Relax." "It's just a college major." "A college..." "What kind of a job is Allison gonna get with a degree in Ceramic Studies?" "I don't know!" "Maybe you should ask a gentleman who started a little business called Pottery Barn!" "Why should you lay the tile that way?" "How about because I said so?" "(SIGHS) This is worth every penny." "All respect, just because you're saying it doesn't mean it makes sense." "I may not know how to lay tile, but I know how to look at tile, and I have a vision of how I want this tile to look." "I wanna talk to the mister." "Jeff." "Hey, honey." "Oh, how's the project..." "I'll see for myself." "Well, Hector, here's the mister." "Hector here seems to have a problem with how I want the tile laid." "She's not gonna like the way it looks." "Okay." "You're not in my head, you don't know how I feel." "You're not my psychiatrist." "Do I see you every Thursday at noon?" "No!" "That's Dr. Silverman!" "You're Hector!" "Trust me, Hector, you don't wanna be her psychiatrist." "No." "I don't know how I can be any clearer." "I want these chickens up to that line." "The chickens that are gonna be on my walls, in my bathroom, not yours, Hector." "Uh-huh." "Well, it looks like you two can work this out..." "I can't work it out!" "(SEETHING) I hate him!" "Listen, to do what she wants," "(GIBBERING) I'd have to cut the tile in half..." "Let me stop you, Hector." "See, you seem like you know what you're doing, and I'm guessing you know more about this than my wife, but..." "See, the thing is, I don't sleep with you." "I sleep with her." "Okay?" "So you're gonna lay the tile exactly the way she wants it, and then, when she changes her mind for no apparent reason, you're gonna lay it again!" "'Cause the truth is, Hector, I didn't hire you to lay tile." "I hired you to be my fall guy." "So all the anger my wife has about this project, it's gonna leave here with you, okay?" "Huh?" "Huh?" "Huh?" "Why don't you, uh, buy yourself some new overalls?" "You know, you're only okay with this because it is Allison." "When my Aunt Joan did that thing with the beads, you called her a moron right to her face." "That's just a technical term." "Medically speaking, your aunt Joan is a moron." "And, yes, I do support our daughter, because my little girl is so talented that she could do anything she sets her mind to." "Why is her name on that thing?" ""Allison Stark." ""Mug."" "Huh." "It looks like a big piece of poo." "It does." "Someone should tell her." "Why don't we just write "this sucks" on the card and sneak out of here?" "We can't do that!" "Hey, guys." "Hey!" "Hey, darling." "Hey, there's our little cerami... tologist!" "Did you guys see my piece?" "We did!" "Yeah!" "We did." "It's a mug." "It's ironic, right?" "I wanted to deconstruct the idea of a mug in modern-day suburban life." "It's a political commentary." "Fantastic." "Uh, I'm curious." "How would..." "How would you drink out of this?" "Well, you wouldn't." "That's the point." "So it's a mug that's not for drinking." "It's a looking mug." "Fantastic." "So what do you guys think?" "Uh..." "Uh, well, I'm your mom, so I'm biased." "Eddie?" "Yeah, Dad." "(STAMMERING) Doesn't matter what I think." "What do the professionals think, huh?" "(STAMMERING) Is there a teacher here, or do they just put you in a room and let you throw the mud around?" "Yeah." "There's Doug." "He's our TA." "Doug!" "Come meet my parents." "Hey, there's the expert." "Hi, Doug." "How are you, Doug?" "Let me ask you." "Explain it to us in layman's terms." "Is this a good mug?" "Is it a mug at all?" "I think her mug is brilliant, and I think Allison is brilliant." "You know, I haven't told you guys my real news." "Oh, God." "There's real news." "I'm taking the next semester off to live in a barn in Vermont and work with the People's Collective Pottery Outreach Program of Greater New England." "With Doug." "Fantastic!" "Allison cannot take a semester off." "Do you know what I did with my semester off?" "I got married, and I got pregnant, and I never went back." "And I couldn't be happier." "I blame that boy, Doug." "I hate Doug, and his pottery, and his shaggy hair, and his penis." "Oh!" "Oh, whoa." "Dude!" "You didn't respect the sock!" "You got your own room!" "But the party got started out here." "Oh, God." "I think they're doing it on my purse." "I saw a lot of back fat." "We've got to do something about Allison." "But she is so stubborn!" "If we tell her no, she is gonna wanna do it more." "I know." "I used to love her strong will." "Now, it's our enemy." "Here's what we do." "We have to pretend that we are really into this pottery thing, but there is something that we have no control over that is standing in our way, like..." "Um... (STAMMERING) It turns out that clay is made out of human remains!" "Clay is people." "That's insane." "The money!" "The money." "It's about the money." "If she takes a semester off, she'll lose her financial aid." "That's so good!" "That is so good." "She can't afford to drop out, because we don't have the money." "I mean, even combined, our salaries are pathetic!" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "And it's only gonna get worse, and you factor in inflation, and we are in big trouble." "Yes!" "Oh, what a relief!" "Yes!" "Can you believe that Hector guy?" "What a jerk." "Yeah." "I know." "Well, thanks for getting my back today, honey." "Sure." "I mean, come on." "Who cuts tile?" "I wanted to cut the tile." "Hector said not to cut it." "Yeah." "I know." "That's what I meant." "I mean, who doesn't cut tile?" "Do you even know what happened in the bathroom today?" "I know you're my wife, and I took your side." "And you're very beautiful." "Did you support me because I'm your wife or because you understand the argument and agree with me?" "What are my choices again?" "Jeff!" "Oh, no, no, no." "No fighting." "No, no, no fighting." "This is what I paid Hector for." "What's that supposed to mean?" "Nothing." "It's just..." "Steph, come on." "I mean, usually, when there's stuff to do around the house," "I wind up doing it, and you wind up getting mad at me, but that's what we have Hector for now, so we can both be happy." "Oh!" "So now I'm the problem?" "I'm some lunatic who yells and screams?" "No!" "And that's why you had to hire somebody?" "To take the heat?" "The reason I yell is that you and Hector do things wrong!" "Okay." "All right." "All right." "You know what?" "I did not want to have this fight, but we're having it now, so let's go." "You think everyone's wrong but you?" "Why don't you come here for one second?" "Just..." "Just one second." "Hmm!" "You had Hector cut the chickens' heads off." "Okay?" "It is a slaughterhouse in here." "And who puts chickens in the bathroom?" "In the kitchen, maybe." "But even then, with their heads on." "Oh, my gosh." "You're right." "This looks awful." "Oh, it'll be all right, honey." "No, it won't." "Why didn't you stop me?" "You know how important those tiles were to me." "I can't believe you!" "Wow." "You just close your eyes and feel it." "Morning." "Yeah, hey." "So, what are you making there?" "Little teapot, short and stout?" "You guys ready for brunch?" "Thanks for inviting me along." "We starving artists can never turn down a free meal." "Ah, that's music to a father's ears." "We are just so excited about this Vermont thing, and we're so sorry it's not gonna work out." "What are you talking about?" "Well, you know, your mother and I were up all night talking about what a great opportunity living in a barn is." "It's just such a great idea." "We are so supportive." "Yeah." "Just there's a little snag with the money." "You see, the thing is, we're poor, and if you drop a semester, you could lose your financial aid." "We're so sorry!" "But we're so supportive." "Mom, don't stress." "I'll get student loans." "Doug told me how." "I mean, I'm 50 grand in the hole, and won't graduate till I'm 30, but the year I spent in Guatemala was worth it." "I mastered the native art of gourd puppets." "Uh-huh." "Well, while your dad and I would love for you to go into debt... (STAMMERING) It's people!" "Clay is people!" "What he's trying to say is that we..." "Honey, look, this is a bad mug." "I'm sorry, but you made better stuff at Camp Kipawahnee." "(STAMMERING) You're not doing this." "Do you have any idea what we sacrificed to save up for your college education?" "Your mother owns no cashmere." "She had to stop at merino wool, and it's always Hershey's, never Godiva." "I get where you're coming from, Eddie." "I do." "My parents, they had the same reaction when I told them that I was pursing a career in the potting arts." "Potting arts." "Man, I'd like to punch you right in the purse." "All right, look, this is not a career." "It's a hobby." "It's like Sudoku." "You don't major in Sudoku." "It's a minor at best." "Allison, you're better than this." "You're smarter than this." "(SCOFFING) I mean, come on." "Anyone can do this." "Oh, really?" "I'd like to see you try it." "What, you..." "Okay, fine." "Fine." "Okay?" "Look." "Look." "Here!" "Look at this, huh?" "It's a..." "It's a candy dish that doesn't hold any candy!" "You see, it's not political, it's poo." "Oh, really?" "You know what?" "Maybe I'm good at this, and maybe I am old enough to make my own decisions." "I'm going to Vermont." "That's actually quite good." "Shot toll!" "Can't go by without taking a shot." "Listen, we just had a fight with our daughter, so we're not in the mood." "I'm a father." "I know how hard that is." "Double toll!" "Shot!" "Shot!" "Shot!" "Shot!" "Shot!" "Shot!" "Okay, you know what?" "Your breath is stinging my eyeballs." "Give me that." "Here." "(COUGHS)" "What is that, lighter fluid?" "Jagermeister, Goldschlager, and tequila." "I call it Jagerschlageruila." "And if you can still pronounce it, you haven't had enough!" "(GROANS)" "(EXCLAIMS)" "Okay, now I've had enough." "(CHOKES)" "Here." "Take the toll." "(GAGGING)" "(EXHALES)" "Why is Allison doing this?" "I mean, how could such a smart girl make such a stupid choice?" "She's throwing her life away, and there is nothing we can do about it." "I know." "I don't know why she's going through this." "I mean, we never made bad choices." "How about another shot?" "Absolutely." "Yes." "(PAUL RETCHING)" "You know, why don't we split one?" "I don't wanna end up holding your hair in the ladies' room all night like that time at the Little River Band concert." "Oh, God!" "You remember that night?" "Yep." "You didn't even know me, and you walked up to me because I was the tallest guy there, so you could sit on my shoulders and flash the drummer." "I was underage," "I was climbing a strange giant, and lifting up my top." "Okay, that might have been a stupid choice." "Yeah." "But, God, I was cool." "I made a stupid choice that night, too." "I skipped a final and flunked the class just so I could go to that concert." "But if you hadn't have, you wouldn't have met me." "That's true." "So basically, our stupid decisions led us to our life together." "I guess they did." "(PAUL RETCHING)" "PAUL:" "I'm okay!" "So what your mother and I are saying, honey, is follow your heart and do what you need to do." "I mean, if it weren't for some weird choices we made when we your age, we never would've met, and we wouldn't have our life we have together." "So" "I could end up just like you?" "You bet you could." "Uh..." "Wow." "Huh." "What, you guys leaving already?" "Okay." "(SNIFFLING)" "Stay as you are, and I will always remember you." "Okay." "Doober and Kitten, my buds." "When did he give us nicknames?" "About 4:30 in the morning." "You slept right through it." "Oddly enough," "I'm Kitten." "You know, I think Hector did a good job fixing these tiles." "You hardly notice the cracks in the chickens' necks, right?" "Don't see them at all." "Well, it's okay that it goes past the mirror, right?" "Yeah." "Looks amazing." "Now, you said chickens were more for the kitchen." "Do you think we should move 'em to the kitchen?" "No, I do not." "Sorry I got so crazy about this whole thing." "I guess I get a little nuts when people challenge me." "I think it's because someone else is doing all the work." "Maybe if we did something together," "I wouldn't become such a lunatic." "I was thinking maybe we could sponge-paint the dining room together." "Doesn't that sound like fun?"