"Álmos?" "Wrong." "He's here, sleeping off that koumiss of yours." "L'll kill you if you say 'koumiss' again!" "What's got into him?" "Funny you're asking." "That horrid goo of yours was at least 120 proof, and alas the proof of the koumiss is in the drinking." "You wanted a low-budget farewell party, but found no sponsor for the conquest." "The conquest!" "Rise, my friends, rise!" "Rise Magyars...?" "Hm." "Rise Magyars, rise Magyars, pampapam, your country, your country..." "Not now, if you would, our country calls us." "What is it now?" "Don't ask me." "How long do we scan the horizon?" "How should I know?" "This will be the first historic conquest l've made." "We can't just leave without a word." "We need a break for suspense, then say those famous last words to them." "To whom?" "The six hundred thousand Magyars behind us waiting for the sign." "There's not a single Magyar here." "Nonsense." "They can't have left without us." "We are the seven chieftains." "Five." "What do you mean?" "There's only five of us here." "Who's absent?" "Ond." "And Kond." "They surely did not have a drop of..." "Whoever dares to say koumiss again..." "They can't go far on two chieftains." "If it's Ond." "And Kond." "They can't be far away." "I think we should go after them." "After them!" "After me!" "# If you stay with me I'll stay by your side #" "# If you stay with me I'll never run and hide #" "# Where would I go, what would I do all on my own #" "# Two single tickets are better than one return #" "# Home is right here with you by my side #" "# You're looking away but I know it's alright #" "# Wherever you lay your hat is my home #" "# The lamplight in your eyes is leading me home #" "# Home was a place that we knew by heart #" "# Where Dad held us high so close to the stars #" "# We'll be home wherever we stop to stay We stand tall but the stars are far away #" "# The blood flowing through your heart #" "# May drive you off one night #" "# But then it will make you turn around you'll head for a place you belong #" "# No big deal, it's just a one-gallon ride #" "# But it's gonna take you home #" "I wonder why they didn't wake us." "They left us behind just like that." "Just like that?" "I said 'just like that'." "Does it matter anyway?" "In fact, it does." "L'm pissed off 'with the way you speak Magyar'." "I have a good reason to speak like this:" "I am an aristocrat, the ruling class." "Then we are classmates, chum." "Still we can say properly:" "She sells sea-shells on the seashore." "No?" "See shells she sells etc..." "Congratulations." "Those poor Hungarians have got some chieftains." "It's just that the chieftains haven't a single poor Hungarian..." "Except Ond... and Kond!" "Where the hell are they?" "Hey, Ond!" "I told you that you are Ond." "L'm Kond!" "You've just said, I am Kond!" "Yes, I said I am Kond!" "Sure." "But if I am Kond, then you are Ond." "...And I am Kond!" " Or you are..." " Hey, where have you gone?" "I see what?" "You see." "You said, where are you, Kond?" "But if I'm Kond, then you must be Ond, right?" "No!" "I said 'where have you gone'." "So why did you just say, hey Ond?" "Why, isn't that your name?" "I like gentlemanly sports, but I'm done." "L'm about to drop with fatigue." "If you can drop any further, I'll stand you a tankard of..." "Tankard?" "A tankard of what?" " Not that." " Not what?" "Come on, say it!" "Not what?" "Not... er... not." "Mare's milk?" "Mare's milk!" "Not that!" "Isn't that the same as koumiss?" "Carry on hunting!" "We've been feeding on berries and leaves for weeks!" "Berries!" "Yellow berries!" "Leaves!" "Yellow!" "He's nuts." "Small yellow berries..." "Against fatigue!" "Ten to a leaf!" "The Magyars' great invention!" "We'll be famous!" "Lt'll be called... vitamin C!" "Strange." "Why C?" "And why 'vitamin'?" "What's the point of sticking yellow berries in a leaf?" "It seemed a good idea..." "And that seems to be our dinner..." "Hey, Ond!" " Kond!" " Yes?" " Kond!" " Yes?" "What do you mean, yes?" "!" "You've just called out, Kond!" "Because I am Kond!" "It'S not my business?" "You should see the shaman?" "I'm afraid you're sick." "You are sick, you glutton!" "And I can't see the shaman because he left with all the others and we have got stuck here because of you." "The only one stuck here is me and it's only because this pass is so narrow." "What did you expect of a pass?" "It was big enough for six hundred thousand with horses and can'ts to pass through." "All you do is pig out day and night." "Just why did I let you go first?" "I should have known better." "You raised no objections last night." "You kept silent throughout the party." "You were having such a smashing time." "I thought, 'why kill the party'?" "L've killed Ond!" "This is Kond." "What was he doing here alone?" "And where are the Magyars?" "Where's Ond?" "I'm here, suck in the pass!" "How did he get in there?" "It seems he made a pass at the pass." "I told you at the outset..." "You alive?" "Lt's not my day..." "I though it was a deer's antlers..." "Because it WAS a deer's antlers." "It'll never happen again..." "That's what you said last night, then you went at the koumiss bottle..." "Having a good time, eh?" "Ha-ha." "Who did you... wave good-bye to if you were the last to pass?" "To Kond?" "To our ancient homeland." "It's the least our endless steppes deserve, you agree?" "Where are those endless steppes?" "Lt's all rock here." "Very smart of you." "But what do we do next?" "Let's just go one steppe further." "Or else we'll get stuck here for the rest of our lives." "And no Magyars in sight!" "Tseep." " There's one there!" " Tseep-tseep." "Sirk, papel and gunpowder." "Tseep-tseep." "Sirk, papel and gunpowder." "Tseep-tseep." "Sirk, papel and gunpowder." "Tseep-tseep." "Sirk, papel and gunpowder." "I swear she is not Magyar." "Why not?" "The Magyars are almond-eyed, short, black-haired guys, aren't they?" "Sure they are." "Small, almond-eyed and black..." "Tseep-tseep." "Sirk, papel and gunpowder." "But we are not like that at all." "That's because we are the chieftains, not the people." "Not to wolly!" "Clever things will get him unstuck and they are so tseep." "She's not Magyar." "Tsinese vendor, help poor Magyars, she sell tseep gunpowder, sirk and paper." "Where's the 'sirk'?" "Here!" "But it's not sirk, it's sirk!" "But the mister could do with some gunpowder now!" "What for?" "Light it, lun away and then big fireworks!" "Rock will boom, bang to rittle pieces!" "And tseep!" "What's the price?" "Plice?" "How much is it?" "Tseep." "Very tseep!" "We'll make a balgain!" "Of course, luv." "You give us that gunboom and you'll NOT get three knocks on your lovely head from my friend Tas." "A good deal for everybody." "No, it's not enough." "Three will not do!" "Four!" "Four is very tseep indeed!" "Four what?" "Four what?" "I give you gunboom and your friend not give me four knocks on my lovely head." "Four." "I must consult with them." "It's a deal." "You won't get four knocks then." "How about five?" "Four's too low." " Five!" " Don't push your luck, love!" "Lt's O.K. No plobrem." "I only joking." "You'll light this..." "and then lun away!" "Who can make fire?" "Count me out." "It's a menial job in my tribe." "L've once seen someone do it with two pieces of wood!" "Fire!" "Piece of wood!" "Stick!" "Fire!" "Stick of wood!" "Fire!" "It's really worse than if someone said..." "Don't ask me what!" " What what?" " I know you know." "I know what?" "I know you all want to trick me into saying 'koumiss'!" "Sticks of wood with coloured heads." "A great invention of the Magyars!" "We'll be famous!" "It will be called... the match!" "That's right, the match." "Match?" "Makes no sense." "What's the point of putting a read head on a stick of wood?" "They fit nicely in your pocket..." "Pocket?" "!" "Where did I go wrong?" "Where's Kond?" "Over there by the fire." "I knew we would never make it!" " Why didn't you say there was a fire?" " Who am I to say anything?" "Anyway, we can light this thing at last." "May one inquire what you intend to do?" "Easy." "We'll just light this gunboom!" "What else do we do?" "The little lady said we'd have to run." "There's something I can't comprehend..." "Didn't you say it was for the rock?" "Yes." "Why?" "Hey!" "We've made it." "We've made the pass!" "Hurray." "We've all made it." "We've all made the pass!" "Without being a spoil-sport, I wish to note that" "I did not make the pass." "Maybe if you could pull in your belly?" "Well if I must..." "Now, get the horses across!" "Meanwhile I'll have a man-to-man talk with Ond!" "Easy!" "Lt's not sure that's me." "How do you know that he is not Ond and I Kond?" "Give me a break." "We've got to get started." "It's almost evening." "It is the evening... the evening." "It is the evening of the day, pampapa-pampapam..." "Quiet!" "Quiet, quiet, my friend." "Or else we'll never find our lost Magyars." "What does it say?" "Feher... varu... rea..." "mene... hodu... utu... rea." "Pardon me, my friend?" "That's what it says:" "Feher varu..." "No such thing as a white crow!" "Perhaps a written relic." "Forget it." "After me!" "After me!" "This Cabernet Sauvignon from Villány is specially reserved for you." " This is, Béla, the third...!" " Yes?" "Lt's your second, duckling." "Second what?" "The second... nosy-parkering... the second... high-treasoning." "Get it?" "High treasoning!" "Hahaha!" "Just because I'm your mistress..." "A mistress..." "Miss Stress!" "That's a good one..." "Get it?" "My Miss Stress, my throne, my crown, my..." "My Miss Stress, my throne, my crown, my..." " Bottle?" " That's your third." "L'm sorry you've lost your head, duckling." "That's a good one." "Lost her head." "Get it?" "Her head." "Lost it." "Get it?" "You don't get it." "Chop off this lovely head!" "What you're doing, idiot?" "You said, chop off this head..." "Which head?" "I don't know, you're king here!" " L'm just first guard." " Second." "What?" "You're second guard." "L'm the first." " You got it wrong." " You got it wrong." "Really?" "Then..." "why do I have the scepter?" "Because you wanted to chop its head off, you moron." "Why...?" "'Chop off this lovely head!" "' What do you think it means?" "It surely does not mean the scepter." "What does it mean then?" "The door." "Shhh!" "Lt's Anonymus!" "Who is it?" "Aah... ah... errr... aah" "Ah... er... ah?" "But who is ah?" "Who's out there?" "A- ah..." "I!" "I?" "It cannot be I!" "And I cannot be he." "What is your name..." "intrusive stranger?" "Rr... a." "A... my name?" "Yes!" "What's your name, son?" "What's on your calling card?" "Scribe." "I see, scribe..." "And what else?" "Nothing else?" "No!" "Just... dot dot dot, scribe!" "Great!" "You're on the 'dot dot dot'!" "Come on in, my good scribe!" "You called, your majesty?" "Don't look so gloomy!" "I have an idea." "An idea?" "Lmpossible." "Ignoring your sneer, I'll give you an important assignment..." "After them!" "After me!" "All I hear is whooping and yippying." "But you don't know where the hell we are." "And what we are looking for." "A roadside inn." "I could do with a dish of paprika potatoes..." "What's potatoes?" "Lt's something like paprika!" "And what's that?" "I got a craving for it." "Is that wrong?" "The problem, buddy, is that we have no idea which way to go!" "I can see a light!" "See a light!" "If you start reciting poetry, you'll get knocked on the head pretty hard!" "No, no, this time it's real." "Real light!" "Look!" "Don't dream of finding an inn." "We'll see." "By the way, after me!" "# It hurts so much to be an ACE- COMBINE myself with you #" "# Let's go to my place #" "# It hurts to be this smart, love While you are so very plain # # l've tried to boost your brain But all in vain #" "# Honey, I'd love to lose my mind Just so I don't have to lose you # # l'd rather be your stupid one With a low IQ!" "#" "Hey, buddy, bugger off my girl!" "L'm ever so sorry..." "# You're such a clumsy liar Fooling me is a losing game #" "# No chance to shit to me Since you are so lame # # lt's not my fault, believe me Just how witless you've been made #" "# To keep you by my side I'd be featherbrained #" "Toast and jam?" "There's no a la can'te?" "Today we want to eat like kings!" "Vi-kings!" "L'm sorry, from seven to nine we only serve continental breakfast." "But you've surely got a sauna." "A what, sir?" "A wooden shed, where you can sit in the heat." "Naked!" "Oh... you mean that!" "Round the house in the backyard." "But in this country, it will do if you drop your pants." "Just leave it to me." "L'm the Viking here." "Wait." "You take the room first." "All these guys come in, do their 'sauna' and leave without paying." "We'll take the top floor if you want." "No way." "I only have one free room left... but I can put in a folding bed." "Hey, buddy... we've heard that you've seen much of the world..." "Just me." "These two are always drunk!" "So, being the globe-trotters that you are..." "Globe-boozers." "Koumiss tourism." "You wouldn't happen to have seen six hundred thousand Magyars around here?" "...What?" "...Six what?" "!" "Magyars!" "We are, that is we are supposed to be their chieftains!" "This is Elõd..." "Ond..." "Kond..." "Tas... he is Huba... and he is Töhötöm." " Huba." " What is it?" "My name is Huba, not Ruba." "And I'm..." "Álmos!" "Sorry, all rooms engaged, but... you can drop your pants in the back if you like." "Tell me, what are those Magyars like?" "You've just seen them." "But I'll never let them in here, I swear." "They think that white horse is a big deal." "They can have their meadows and lands but tourism is still in our hands." "Long live the Pan-Slav union!" "Lt's cool!" "'Write me something nice, my good scribe'." "Cultural dictator." "Woe is me!" "At least he could dictate to me, but no." "'Find some grand subject, my good scribe.'" "A gigantic subject." "Where should I look, my good king Béla?" "Where?" "Why, The history of rivers." "Or maybe The conquering salmon." "I am a genius." "Migrating fern trees." "It will surely be a pot boiler." "Or I could write about" "The glorious deeds of horses." "A blockbuster." "How my poor mother wanted me to be chancellor." "Dynamic, upwardly mobile team." "He-he!" "Thanks." "I would prefer to be downwardly mobile." "What was that?" "Not 'that':" "Who?" "There was a scream!" "Actually he tripped over me." "Hey!" "Who's over there?" "Or what?" "Eer... aaah..." "I can hear eer aah." "Maybe he's hungry." "I myself dreamt of a big pot of goulash..." "And more." "What is goulash?" "That's..." "A little better than paprika potato!" "We must get started or we'll never find the Magyars!" "Wow, Magyars?" "Not bad." "The deeds of the Magyars." "Vow, I've got the title!" "The deeds of the Magyars, even better, Gesta..." "Gesta Hungarorum." "What a subject!" "I wish I knew who this six madmen were..." "Seven." "We're making progress." "# Remember, for God's sake That it's a small piece of cake #" "# And that it hurts me zero #" "# Just a scratch, nothing more #" "# And if you wanna be sure I still may be your hero #" "# I always carry the load When, by fate, I get floored #" "# Noone around to complain ...to, not a soul #" "# I could tell That honey, I'll be well # # l'll be on top, once again #" "# Relax, I'll leave you alone Noone cares, why should I hurt you?" "#" "# Without a girl in your zone lt's victory without value #" "Stake Tartare again?" "You should be grateful:" "For guests only." "If the boss finds out, I'm done for." "If the guests try it, you're again done for." "They won't." "We haven't had one guest since we got hold of this lousy hotel." "It's better to be in here than meet that idiot, Batu Khan on the battlefield." "I wonder what we wants this poor country for." "Any urgent matter?" "Are the Mongols after you?" "Want a room?" "No..." "I've come to have my piles cured!" "L'm afraid you got the wrong address." "Of course I want a room." "What else would I want in a hotel?" "All right, all right." "It was just a question." " Your name?" " Ba..." "Tu..." "Tuba!" "Tuba." "Strange name..." "like it was made up on the spot." "Job?" "Kha... can't mechanic..." "A can't mechanic, that's even stranger." "Not that I care." "Well, do you want breakfast?" "I don't think so." "Room number six." "Up the stairs and left." "I may have guests." "Kind of soldiers, you know, kind of... chieftains." "Certainly, sir." "L'll send you a kind of message to your kind of room." "Water!" "A pond..." "Yes?" "Nothing." "Of course, it's nothing." "And nobody." "I told you at the outset." "Wait a second, buddies." "L'll take none of your defeatism." "I want to make a fat lot of money... in a juicy little job with the Magyars." "Please stop talking about fat and juice, will you?" "This way or another, the ancient aristocrat was right:" "The die is cast!" "Look this way - and that." "The die." "It's a cube." "A die means a cube!" "Not again..." "What can't you keep your mouth shut?" "A cube made up of many small cubes!" "A great invention of the Magyars!" "We'll be famous!" "Lt'll be called..." "Magic cube, eh?" "...no, no!" "It makes no sense..." "It'll be called Rubik's cube!" "And... what's that good for?" "You twist it and twist it, until all its faces are the same colour!" "Elõd!" "...All faces are the same colour." "You have a point..." "You see, the die is cast... away." "Did you see that?" "I don't know what you saw, but what I did I'd never seen before." "Poor creatures, they can't afford swimming costumes." "Those shapely hips... and black hair and almond eyes..." "Magyars!" "Stop it!" "Put me down, or I'll call the chef!" "What's going on?" "One madman after the other..." "So sorry, buddy." "You know, we're looking for the Magyars!" "You, too?" "Hopeless." "Batu Khan has been on their trail for half a year, but they have vanished." "No Magyars left." "I told you." "I swear he hasn't got a free room!" "You're wrong, Sir." "We have large numbers of them." "How many?" "One." "But it has a lovely view." "Your names, please?" "What's going on?" "Nothing." "They are still there?" "Yes." "All seven of them." "Let's rehearse it once more." "We have bad news, oh great Batu Khan!" "You said Tattoo Khan." "You think I didn't notice?" "All right." "Then you go alone." "I won't." "We sink or swim together." "Listen." "What?" "You must be on the lookout for anything interesting inside." "I can't be on the lookout when I'm looking in." "What's going on inside?" "Those seven idiots, and the receptionist crying." "No, he is not I'm so sorry." "I know that these are not real names." "But there was this Tuba, and now Töhötöm...!" "Not Tuba, Huba!" "What do you mean, not real?" "We all are real aristocrats!" "And real chieftains!" "More precisely..." "we are just kind of chieftains..." "Kind of soldiers?" "Very well put." "Aha!" "Someone's expecting you!" "Up in number six!" "You have room nine!" "You had better leave that to me." "Who is it?" "..." "Don't disturb unless you are the chieftains!" "We are the chieftains!" "But not mine!" "Don't be so sure, buddy!" "But I am." "You can't deceive the kahn..." "the kind of person I am." "Good night." "Excuse me, are you Magyar?" "Do I look like one?" "More or less... I'm not Magyar, and I wouldn't like to be one." "Enough of this damned country!" "Well, then let's go to bed..." "I think, they're chieftains." "Using false names." "Oh yes, but it's a secret." "They're expecting us..." "Room number six." "All the other mental patients are there." "Go to bed, buddies." "We'll rise early tomorrow!" "What for?" "Nothing ever happens to us." " For a week now..." " For a week now..." "For a week now, mom's been..." "Mother's darling, enough of you." "And now we all go to bed." "First piece of good news today." "We have bad news, oh, great Batu Khan!" " You said Tattoo Khan again." " I did not." "You're terrible." "Let's have another go." "We have bad news..." "Err..." "So sorry." "We're out of here." "In fact, we were never here!" "You think they will charge extra for the folk culture show?" "You let my name slip, you idiots!" "I tell you, I was incognito?" "We know that, and you look smart in it." "This is a... kimono, moron!" "Incognito means that no one knows I'm here!" "But I do." "Aren't you the great Ba..." "Shut up, you mongoloid!" "What about the chieftains!" "Have you found the king?" "Eer... not quite." "What do you mean 'not quite'?" "!" "We haven't." "Enough of you both." "A message to the great Batu Khan!" "Shhh!" "He is in kimono!" "Why didn't you shoot the letter through the window as befits a dramatic moment?" "!" "Shoot it in?" "You're joking!" "Look at these arrows?" "Not up to Mongol standards for sure!" "Sorry, it was a bargain sale." "Some Tuba and his six pals dumped them to me!" "You know the old Swiss saying?" "Save us, oh Lord, from the arrows of the Magyars!" "You'll write it down a hundred times!" "Get it?" "We're going to have elections back home!" " Really?" " Really?" " Really." " Really." "I would not stay a minute even if those Magyar chieftains were just next door!" "Go to bed now, buddies!" "Tell the receptionist I want the bill." "We're going home!" "Are we?" "We are." "It was a busy place last night." "The house is deserted..." "no merry chil'..." "No merry chil'." "There's nobody here!" "They're all gone!" "And it's morning!" "So what, wise guy." "Understand?" "They're gone!" "We went to bed, and by the time we woke, we were left alone." "Like after the farewell party!" "This is truly amazing." "I thought it was truly boring." "Did you?" "Let me remind you that you too vanished by morning, you and Kond!" "L'm liking this mix-up... I'm not." "Enough of this mix-up!" "Ond..." "Kond!" "What's so difficult about it?" "!" "It happened once and now we again wake up to find everybody gone." "They did not even wake us!" "This means..." "That we file a complaint?" "We won't give them tip?" "That we have to stay." "It's a sign!" "I don't believe in signs!" "Anyway, what's there to do in a deserted hotel without a receptionist?" "# The Grand Hotel is real good business #" "# Pa-pa-param #" "# All along the shiny corridors Ladies and gents in and out the doors #" "# Pearls and diamonds #" "# Over salmon with almonds #" "# The wine is vintage The deal is linkage #" "# None of your messages Will get lost in the passages #" "# The Grand Hotel is real good business #" "# Pa-pa-param #" "# Make a grand a day plus expenses #" "# Pa-pa-param #" "# If you make it, it's a quick buck If you don't, it's tough luck #" "# But please make sure the elevators Are not used by alligators #" "# And you need a swimming pool Chicks are hot and the water cool #" "# And the guy at Reception Does no room inspection #" "# The Grand Hotel is our business #" "# Pa-pa-param #" "# You make a grand a day plus expenses #" "# Pa-pa-param #" "# The Grand Hotel is our business #" "# Pa-pa-param #" "# You make a grand a day plus expenses #" "# Pa-pa-param #" "By the way, how about the Magyars?" "The Magyars?" "They've got on quite well without us..." "Got on their horses without us." "Let's vote." "Raise your hand." "Who votes for the hotel business and wealth, and for this wandering life...?" "Well, what's wrong?" "We can't vote on both propositions at the same time." "Well, Tas?" "Why me?" "You are Tas, aren't you?" "Sure." "What's your vote?" "I vote for electing a new chairman." " Great." " I meant me." "Right." "Who would like me to conduct the ballot, and who would like Elõd?" "What's wrong now?" "L'll chair the ballot, period." "What happened to this?" "It worked last night." "Let me try." "I knew it..." "This is a sign." "Fate bids us to continue searching for the Magyars." "Don't overexert yourself." "It's just me." "Who're you making this show for?" "You've been waiting here nine years for someone to buy this number." "In this boring dog-forsaken place." "I have had enough of all that!" "You promised to marry me and take me to the capital." "Soon I'll be an old spinster of sixteen." "Stop playing the waiting game with me!" "Should I go!" "Marry me and take me to Buda!" "You serf!" "Show me the way to Buda town, you serf!" "Hello, buddy!" "You hear me?" "You bastard!" "You bastard!" "You hear me?" "# Little Beatrice # # oh, you lovely creature #" "# Let me be your teacher # # l've got a blank cheque for your kiss lt's time to cash my bliss #" "# But amore zero, # # no-no-no #" "# Beatrice, ain't no way to turn her on #" "# Beatrice, ain't no way f'me to reach her#" "# Little Beatrice, # # don't give me a miss #" "# lt's time to get down to business... #" "# Beatrice, ain't no way f'me to reach her #" "# You promised me the world A long time ago#" "# Amore zero, # # no-no-no #" "# Beatrice, ain't no way to turn her on #" "# Beatrice, ain't no way f'me to teach her #" "Hello, chum." "Welcome, good strangers." "Welcome to the land of an uneducated" "And evil king, ruling our poor country." "What's a king?" "Kind of a chieftain?" "Some chieftain, indeed... a tyrant oppressing this poor people." "What people?" "The Magyars?" "Come on, the Magyars are all gone." "The place is swarming with dagos, the queen and her hangers-on." "You should be saying 'down with Mátyás'!" "Why should we say such things, buddy?" "Why..., up at the court, they're just flaunting their golden cutlery, eating their roast capons, like those Florentine faggots." "By the way, I hope we're not late for dinner." "Dinner?" "Hahaha!" "There's simply not enough decent food to go round, is there?" "And King Mátyás talks of an economic upswing." "I would not be surprised, if you said 'send him to the gallows'!" "Relax!" "We don't even know this Mátyás!" "He is easy to recognize by his nose, as big as a church spire!" "I would not be surprised, if you called him Mátyás, the big nose!" "L'd much rather call him, Mátyás, the nice guy!" "Why would you?" "He travels incognito all the time, instead of ruling the country!" "Hoping, he will catch someone saying 'down with Mátyás', or" "Mátyás, the big nose!" "Then, he would delight in giving the poor guy twenty lashes or send him to the gallows." "He loves it!" "Tell me, what kind of king is this?" "What kind?" "L'm asking you." "Come on, speak up, he is a plainclothes dago-loving swindler, a... a provocateur!" "Lt's just not fair..." " Who's the best?" " Dó-zsa!" " Who's the best?" " Dó-zsa...!" "What was that?" "Listen..." " Who's the best?" " Dóóóó-zsaaaa!" "Dóóóó..." " Who's the best?" " Dóóóó-zsaaaa!" "Dóóóó..." "Maybe, they are the Magyars?" " Who's the best?" " Dóóóó-zsaaaa!" " Who's the best?" " Dóóóó-zsaaaa!" " Dóóóó-zsaaaa!" "Dóóóó..." "I don't believe so, my friend." "This is just gobble- de-gook, to use lower class language." "What if they are?" "They can't have gone a long way!" "Well, what are we waiting for?" "For you, buddy!" "Oh..." "After them!" "After me!" "Thugs!" "Male chauvinist pigs!" "Wait!" "Madam, are you Magyar?" "Her, Magyar?" "!" "Hahaha!" "Madam, maybe you?" "Me?" "We're beautiful Turkish ladies?" "We want to join a harem!" "Harem, what's a harem?" "Maybe some women's charity?" "Or men's?" "You think we're dressed up as Turks to be admitted to a harem?" "Now, listen duckling..." "Let me handle this!" "Look, ladies." "We are looking for the Magyar army." "Hundreds of thousands of men, women..." "Hundreds of thousands of men?" "I wish I found at least one man around here?" "They're all drunk in some fortress and bite the dust before they could say..." "Petting." "What?" "What's this woman talking about?" "L'm talking about that, yes!" "Kidnap me right away!" "And take advantage of me!" "Clear!" "?" "Tie me to the saddle!" "We want to be your slaves!" "Or at least your Slavs!" "That did not work." "It's not our day." "No." "Have the eunuchs arrived?" "I don't think so." "# 'Wish I knew as I look around Why hearts are burning #" "# Why every guy's kneeling on the ground All the men are yearning #" "# Why heroes and superstars Are crawling to me #" "# Made up mind and I dropped my bras Made myself a beauty... #" "# But I'm getting tired, so sick and tired So very tired, so sick and tired # # l'm so uninspired, hate to be admired Anywhere I look they all want me wired #" "# Showtime... #" "Have the eunuchs arrived?" "Don't think so." "Unless they arrive before the pasha comes, I'm finished!" "No way." "You think, I can get away with it?" "Get away with it, you must be joking." "It will be the end of you." "Why did I take this job." "I say, I resign!" "You are the manager!" "Sorry, no way, buddy." "Who promised the pasha a full-size harem?" "Why?" "It did not take us a day to collect these wenches." "You can't keep your head about water without extra services!" "You won't keep your head at all." "They'll make it." " They promised me at the job centre..." " The job centre?" "Yes." "Why?" "Big guy with a moustache?" "In a turban?" " All Turks wear turbans!" " His name Yusuf?" " All Turks are called Yusuf." " My name is Ali." "Mine is Mustafa." "Really?" "Mine, too." "L'm Mohammed!" "L'm Yummurdjak." "And what about this Yusuf?" "You can forget about your eunuchs." " He got me this job." " You see!" "As manager." "But I don't mind being a receptionist." "And alive." "Wait until I get the silk rope?" "Not in my life..." "Allah, Allah!" "My private life is no business of yours." "I was so happy to use my weapon again." "You know, after so many years." "What's this about weapons?" "My friend is trying to explain to you that we have been missing some manly challenges of late!" "So, you are...?" "Yes, we are." "Our swords have lain idle and our capabilities untapped..." "Thank you." "You're here at last!" "I have a strange feeling that these are still not our Magyars." "What's so strange about it?" "We haven't met one since we set out." "I wonder if they exist at all." "In fact, I'm not sure we are Magyars." "And I'm not sure if I told you at the outset." "Enter this gentlemen in the book, these are... you know... those guys!" "Are you infidels?" "Oh, no." "We are Hung... hungry from the long journey behind us, buddy, we are foreigners." "Ah, guest workers!" "I can get you pork, if you want!" "We do." "So, your names?" "And jobs?" "No time for this, sonny." "His highness, the pasha is on his way here." "Who is the manager?" "That master organiser..." " It's me!" " It's me!" "He's just resigned, and I've taken over!" "Lt's a lie!" "I just wanted to, but..." "I did not even want to." "Why would I?" "Well, let's try a second time!" " Who is the manager?" " Me!" " Me!" "I ask you for the last time who is the manager of this claptrap?" "He should have been sent a silken rope long ago." "It's him!" "L've resigned." "And he's taken over!" "Lt's a lie!" "He just wanted to, no, he didn't even want to." "Why resign?" "We're not getting anywhere." "Bring them along!" "Are these your famous eunuchs?" "We've picked them up in the ditch." "They say that you hired them." "Or you?" "If these are your eunuchs, I can imagine your harem!" "Those are not mine!" "Mine are here!" "Well, that's quite interesting." "You know what's interesting?" "We don't understand a word of your gibberish!" "Indeed." "When will you show us to our suite?" "And you can skip the folk performance, we found the last one rather hard to appreciate." "And how about dinner?" "This guy mentioned pork!" "I just read out the house rules!" "To tell them what is forbidden!" "Foreigners, but highly professional." "We'll see." "Show me to their suite!" "You may go." "Shhh." "You hear this?" "L'm sick of it all." "I hear some wanton females whiling their time away" " with exotic dances." "No?" " Yeah." "And giggling in the meantime." "Ah..." "Seasoning life's monotony with a pinch of cynicism... I'm sure you're bored with the harem." "But not as bored as me!" "You know what's it all about?" "To do me in!" "Of course, you understand." "I thought you might have a trick or two up your sleeves... to exhaust them." "To floor them completely!" "No, no, I did not mean that." "I know, of course, that you can't." "You're even less capable than me." "Play tag with them, or whatever..." "Just conk them out or else I'll lose face." "You have a job to do, boys!" "I wouldn't mind if some of them escaped." "His door, too, is completely unnecessary." "After you, my friend..." "My name is Kond." "Ond." "Ond Kond!" "# Who is the master # # who is the slave #" "# I reach out and lock you up in my cave #" "# Chains of passion # # shackles of desire #" "# The flame is burning higher and higher #" "# Give me a kiss, a sweet little kiss #" "# Give me a kiss, a sweet little kiss # # lt's a cage lined with silk, # # just open the gate #" "# See the beast, hooked on my bait #" "# Do you really want # # to run away #" "# When everything inside you begs you to stay #" "# Admit defeat, prisoner of love Cos I'm your irresistible jailor #" "# You're behind golden bars With your seductive janitor # # lt's a cage lined with silk, #" "# just open the gate #" "# Admit defeat, prisoner of love Cos I'm your irresistible jailor #" "# Look, I open the gate But you're hooked on my bait #" "# Desire runs wild # # and deep like a well #" "# You're under my spell #" "# Give me a kiss, a sweet little kiss #" "# Give me a kiss, a sweet little kiss #" "Leaving so soon, ladies?" "You stay right here." "Relief is coming." "Relief?" "The night shift." "When we spend the night in the woods, we'll get a fright in the morning!" "L'd rather get a fright in the morning then a heart attack at night." " Your jokes are in bad taste..." " Talking of bad taste..." "This sounds like..." "Gunboom!" "Maybe somebody's got stuck?" "Hurray!" "He has surely freed himself." "The Magyars!" "Not Ruba, Huba!" "L'm a chieftain of the Magyars!" "We only have one chief:" "Rákóczi!" "Hurray!" "Nonsense, he is not on our payroll." "There are seven of us..." "Álmos..." "They were not Magyars." "Hardly." "They called themselves Kuruc." "General Wienerschnitzel!" "Yes." "Oh, you're much too loud for me, son." "It's been a shouting match round here since March." "Yes." "L'm at your command." "L've done enough commanding today." "Das ist ein..." " What's this?" " Ein message... from general Aufwiedersehen." "Shall I read it out?" "Retreat!" "The Hungarians have broken free!" "Again?" "L'm really tired of it all." "When will it be over?" "Hi, buddy!" "We are the chieftains of the Magyars!" "Magyars..." "Thank goodness!" "At long last!" "You sir... a Magyar?" "My friend, I'm an Austrian general." "But..." "I hereby surrender!" "We may go!" "Austrian?" "How strange." "He looks like my brother-and-law." "Capture me and exchange me for someone on the Hungarian general staff." "And I'll be in Vienna in three weeks." "We are the general staff of the Magyars." "And we're not going to swap anyone of us." "But I have surrendered." "Is that clear?" "No, not quite." "Well, this is not my day." "Come on son!" "We'll retreat." "You can keep the hotel." "Entschuldigung!" "Well, shall we take a vote?" "Hello!" "L'd rather skip it, buddy." "I could do without a folk performance." "The last one puts out the light." " This is suspicious!" " What?" " Where?" "We've spent the night in the woods and no one gave us a fright!" "Speak for yourself, mate." "Don't take offence, but you're even worse than a folk performance!" "Watcha!" "Gotcha!" "Whoops!" "I was wrong, my friend." "Getcher asses off the ground!" "And gimme all the dough you got!" "What did he say?" "Would you repeat, buddy?" "And gimme all the dough you got!" "Or there's gonna be trouble." "I don't understand a word." "Must be because of the mask." "Cut the crap, or I'm gonna get pissed and shoot your asses off!" "They're not Magyars." "I should have known." "What the hell, are you deaf, or what?" "Gimme the dough or I'll shoot your asses off!" "Let's bloody stone them, boss!" "I knew..." "Hey!" "Beat it, chum!" "L'm ever so sorry, gentlemen." "I won't disturb you anymore." "Hey, buddy." "Who threw that here?" "I didn't." "Certainly not." "I kicked it, of course." "This is a football." "Ball!" "What is a football?" "!" "Well... it's just an experiment." "Is it a kind of invention?" "Kind of." "We've come to this secret place to work out the details." "Then, we'll go back to England." "I hope, I can count on your discretion." "Gentlemen!" "What do they mean..." "work out the details?" " What then?" "Shouldn't we go with him?" " Are you joking, buddy?" "He is not Magyar, is he?" "But he saved Ond's life!" "We'll let him get away with it." "Our friend, Töhötöm is right!" "We owe this gentleman a debt!" "All they want us to do is play with a ball." "And if we win, we can keep the ball!" "And if we lose?" "Shall we begin then?" "And if we lose?" "Easy." "If we lose, they'll only get a horse." "You've bet your horse in a game you don't know how to play?" "What do you take me for, buddy?" "I would never part with my horse." "You mean to say..." "We'll beat them." "# When you feel the game's too long And your spirits are sinking low # # lt's like they'll never flag you down Cos' you still have a long way to go #" "# You'll have your ups and downs #" "# The Chorus is coming lt's like they'll never flag you down #" "# Cos' you still have a long way to go # # lt's not the end of the game, I'm telling you # # lt's not the end of the world just do like I do #" "# The game's not yet over Let's all play on, you too # # lt's not the end of the game, I'm telling you # # lt's not the end of the world just do like I do #" "# The game's not yet over Let's all play on, you too #" "# When you're waiting for the final whistle #" "# Hoping it's the end of the show # # lt's like they'll never flag you down Cos' you still have a long way to go #" "# lt's not the end of the game, I'm telling you # # lt's not the end of the world just do like I do #" "# The game's not yet over Let's all play on, you too # # lt's not the end of the game, I'm telling you # # lt's not the end of the world just do like I do #" "# The game's not yet over Let's all play on, you too # # lt's not the end of the game, I'm telling you # # lt's not the end of the world just do like I do #" "# The game's not yet over Let's all play on, you too #" "Eleven-two." "Give me the ball." "Oh... that's not fair." "We were eleven of us, and you seven." "That means you lose three goals." "How did you work that out?" "We're still working on the rules." "I don't care." "Let's make it eight-two." "Oh, I forgot to say that if your goalkeeper is just as tall as..." "And I forgot to tell you that we don't have the time for this." "Four-two?" "Seven." "That's my last offer." "Six." "O. K." " Six-three." " Listen, mate!" "Don't push your luck!" " All right, see you!" "We'll meet again!" "# Something's burning inside me No use taking vitamin C #" "# I take a dram at the local pub And finish the day at the late-night club #" "# I miss someone I've never kissed And kiss someone I never missed #" "# And I'm dancing cheers to cheers And run out of tears after so many beers #" "# A mummy in the mirror Please make up, I tell her #" "# The morning after... #" "Get away, Dezsö." "You can hardly make it to this terrace, let alone to America." "Can't you see that I've lost everything?" "L'm stony broke." "We'll fix you in the morning." "Morning... where will I be then?" "In bed with a chambermaid, true to form." "And I'll take you back three days later, true to form." "Nothing will be the same again." "Understand?" "Finito." "The bitter end." "I did not get paid for the last consignment." "And I've spent all remaining stocks on this masquerade." "My one and only chance is this lottery ticket." "It's either women or business." "Shall we help you, darling?" "No, don't help." "Pubi Szikszai!" "Right?" "Plus..." "Frici Rottler and company..." "We are the chieftains of the Magyars." "Are you Magyar?" "L'm queen of Egypt, dear Frici." "Surely, we don't like you for your brains." "L'll take over as hostess for a while." "# And I'm dancing cheers to cheers And run out of tears after so many beers #" "# The morning after... #" "Here you are, it's number six." "Can't you give us number nine?" "You can have everything tonight." "You will excuse me..." "# Coffee and tea don't help too much Healing comes from the human touch #" "# No help from a woman's vanity toys Healing comes from the human voice #" "# No help from the fruit-bowl Healing comes from the human soul #" "# The morning after... #" "Strange." "So many people gathered here and not a single Magyar among them." "I don't care." "L'm not going to sleep in the woods anymore." "I myself would stay for a bite or two." "After all... we deserve a bit of fun." "# Give me some water to wash my brain lt's no shine but it all is rain #" "# No help from the fruit-bowl Healing comes from the human soul #" "# The morning after... #" "The question, love is" "Wine or beer." "Why not beer?" "'Cos beer's ideal... ideal... ideal..." "# If you want to be a trendy man, WELL #" "# Go ahead and do the Caravan, 'CAUSE #" "# African the rhythm and the style, AND #" "# Takes you from Morocco to the Nile, FINE #" "# That's the dance that everybody does, WELL #" "# That's the vogue to make the city buzz, SWELL #" "# Should be easy if you're eager Learn the caravan in a fever #" "# Bouncing forward with your partner Piggy-backing - try it harder #" "# Humplessly in love with dancing Seems OK but not the right thing #" "# May you live in peace and laughter Humpily ever after!" "#" "# Simple job to do the caravan, SEE #" "# Still some people do not care-a-bit, SAD #" "# Life in Caravan is what we do, SINCE #" "# Don't we all carry a hump or two?" "'X CEPT #" "My dear, Pubi and friends are here." "They've managed to bring horses, too." "Too bad, all we can give is some second rate punch." "Dezsö has ordered no koumis." "Did I say something wrong?" " I told you, we'd be late." " I can't hear a thing." "They probably saw us from the window." "And they are hiding." "It was surely Trixi's idea." "I positively hate surprise parties." "I have an idea." "We'll outtrick them..." "Have you prayed tonight?" "Surprise!" "That gunboom again." "Must be the Kuruc's again." "Once I'd like to wake up to find that there's nothing to wake up to." "This will never be over." "I swear that these two are not..." "Hands up!" "H nggaariina N o paaeKrrsa Wrvhaattahaa wawe o wahitth tthem?" "HaatteK cccomeK ina" "LeKtt'a moveK on" "Hey." "That's not right." "Where's Ond?" "Kond." "Er..." "Have I said 'Thanks'?" "I knew you wouldn't." "You did, didn't you." "Thanks!" "L've dropped out of shape." "I don't understand." "Last time we were a real golden team..." "I could've told you we were heading for trouble." "Stop!" "They look pretty low." " And they have a lightning stick." " And how big." "And we haven't got the ball." "Try another subject." "What?" "Ask them if they happen to have seen six hundred thousand Magyars." "I wonder if you happen to have seen sixty thousand Russians round here?" "How many... what?" "Just like us, a lot of them." "Single file." "No, my friend, we have never seen the likes of you in our lives." "We have seen a thing or two though." "How could they leave without us?" "!" "They didn't even wake us." "How could they, indeed..." " Impossible!" " They simply left us behind." "Oh, those heartless conquerors." "The conquest is over." "This time, we're going home for good." "Except that we've been left behind." "You see, we had a farewell party last night..." "I know how you feel." "Make sure never to sleep in the woods!" "And... avoid folk performances!" "And harems!" "And when you think you've really had enough, then think of this:" "...it can only get worse!" "I told you." "Avay, avay." "Did you see that?" "No, no, we did not, buddy." "It takes your eagle eye to spot an oversized pink can't." " What's wrong with you?" " I hate being laughed at." "Me, too." "And I like to be successful." "What success do you mean?" "Maybe you have found the Magyars?" "Our friend Töhötöm is right." "In hard times, we must enjoy the little pleasures of life." "Little they were indeed." "And all alike." "A load of grinning identical twins." "All laughing at us." "If I were riding in a pink can't jammed up with fifty-odd almond-eyed and black-haired twins of mine, well, I wouldn't feel like laughing at all." "They are all Magyars!" "After them!" "# L've come to the wrong place And I can't find the road # # lt's all dark around here #" "# And I'm still carrying the load #" "# Carrying the load #" "# I set out all unprepared The storm struck fast and hard #" "# But I'm still hoping to get by l'm holding on, # # don't lose heart #" "# Don't lose heart #" "# The sun in my eyes, I dream along #" "# She can take us both, we're riding on #" "# The sun in our eyes, wandering free #" "# Hop right on, right behind me #" "# Just right here #" "O.K. Let's take a vote." "Who is for passing through, and who's against?" "All right." "Kond?" "But he has no vote on matters of passing." "As far as I'm concerned, I'm not very keen." "Seems a strange place..." "I agree." "Let's cross over the hill!" "# Home is right here With you by my side #" "# Wherever you lay your hat is my home #" "# The lamplight in your eyes is leading me home #" "# Home was a place that we knew by heart #" "# Where Dad held us high so close to the stars #" "# We'll be home wherever we stop to stay We stand tall but the stars are far away #" "# The blood flowing through your heart #" "# May drive you off one night #" "# But then it will make you turn around you'll head for a place you belong #" "# No big deal, it's just a one-gallon ride #" "All I can say is let bygones be bygones." "No wonder, they didn't wait for us." "Can you see what I see?" "No." "It takes your eagle eye to spot six hundred thousand Magyars right beneath our feet..." "Let him be." "He has this thing about success." "You're O. K, Kond?" "I told you we'd end up crying." "Did you say, Kond?" "A strange place indeed." "How long have we been sitting here?" "No idea." "But this place is OK, isn't it?" "The best place we can be, my friend." "I was wrong." "# Come follow me now To a place we're sure to find #" "# Whether it's night or day Just follow me blind... #" "# Like horses on the loose The wilderness we roam #" "# But we're always sure To find the way back home #" "# Every memory is calling me home l've found a place I'm not alone #" "# Every memory is calling me home Yeah, in this crowd I'm not alone #" "# The blood flowing through your heart #" "# May drive you off one night #" "# But then it will make you turn around you'll head for a place you belong #" "# No big deal, it's just a one-gallon ride #" "# But it's gonna take you home #" "Can you see what I see?" "L'm afraid we can." "They're leaving." "Well, then?" "What're we waiting for?" "For you, buddy." "Right." "After them!" "After me!" "After me!" "# When you feel the game's too long #" "# And your spirits are sinking low # # lt's like they'll never flag you down Cos' you still have a long way to go #" "# When you're waiting for the final whistle #" "# Hoping it's the end of the show # # lt's like they'll never flag you down Cos' you still have a long way to go # # lt's not the end of the game, I'm telling you #" "# lt's not the end of the world just do like I do #" "# The game's not yet over Let's all play on, you too # # lt's not the end of the game, I'm telling you # # lt's not the end of the world just do like I do #" "# The game's not yet over Let's all play on, you too #" "# When you're waiting for the final whistle #" "# Hoping it's the end of the show # # lt's like they'll never flag you down Cos' you still have a long way to go # # lt's not the end of the game, I'm telling you #" "# lt's not the end of the world just do like I do #" "# The game's not yet over Let's all play on, you too # # lt's not the end of the game, I'm telling you # # lt's not the end of the world just do like I do #" "# The game's not yet over Let's all play on, you too #" "# The Chorus is coming #" "# The game's not yet over Let's all play on, you too # # lt's not the end of the game, I'm telling you # # lt's not the end of the world just do like I do #" "# The game's not yet over Let's all play on, you too # # lt's not the end of the game, I'm telling you # # lt's not the end of the world just do like I do #" "# The game's not yet over Let's all play on, you too #"