"# I'm not sick, but I'm not well" "# And I'm so hot" "# Cos I'm in hell. #" "Where the hell are you, Jeremy?" "We'll be late for the christening." "Chill, brother." "Where are you?" "I'm at the station, where you were supposed to be 15 minutes ago." "I'm in a phone box." "What are you doing in a phone box?" "Have you put a farthing in the slot?" "Hey, Mark's in a phone box!" "Is it an ironic thing?" "Are you doing it ironically?" "No." "I've simply got rid of my mobile." "You've what?" "Oh, my God, this is massive!" "What are you gonna do next, move into a hut and start drinking your own piss?" "We've got a land line." "Times are hard, Jeremy." "I'm putting my clarinet on eBay." "I'm making my own hummus." "This is the end times." "A mobile's a luxury." "Yeah, right" "What if I need to contact you?" "What if I take a mega trip and forget who I am?" "What if we run out of Marmite and you're at the corner shop?" "These are all real-life nightmare scenarios." "Look, where the hell are you?" "I'm coming to get you." "Zahra's." "Oh." "Right." "We were doing some work for Ben, and it got late and I stayed over." "God!" "Well, be ready." "We've missed the train." "I'll get us a cab." "'Free cab ride to the christening." "Another win for the lazy man.'" "Right, I'm rolling." "OK, let's brew this thing!" "Fuck!" "Bye, Jeremy." "How long is this gonna take?" "How long does a washing machine take?" "Could be, like, 15 minutes." "Could be, like, 18 hours." "I normally just bang it in and leave it for a couple of days." "We're going to be late if we don't leave right away." "Well, fine, but I can't just take them out, can I?" "It's so frustrating." "I can see them, but I can't get to them." "We'll buy you some trousers on the way." "We need to leave now!" "'Oh, great, Tesco trousers'" "Ben's!" "I can get them back by tonight." "He'll never know the difference." "Oh, great." "Steal his woman, steal his trousers." "You and your wicked willy." "Has it never occurred to you that two human beings of the opposite gender could have a simple human relationship without sex being involved?" "You think you know me so well, but you don't." "Jeremy, you once told me that chairs make you feel horny." "I'm not just some filthy sex beast, you know." "I am capable of higher thought." "I do have feelings, ambitions, dreams." "I thought of that hat that could keep beer cool if you..." "Uh-huh." "Sure." "Great." "Now, there's a minicab place not far from here." "We can..." "What's...?" "DOOR RATTLES" "Just turn the knob." "Well, I am turning the knob, obviously." "Well, turn it properly." "Well, I am turning it properly." "Well, obviously not, otherwise the door would be open." "It's not opening.It's not opening!" "Let me try..." "Mr Patheto-hand." "Oh." "'A little bit pleased he didn't manage it with ease.'" "It can't be locked. 'Uh-oh.'" "Someone's double-locked it?" "Fucking fucklebucks!" "Don't sweat it, dude." "I'll call Zahra." "'Hi, it's Zahra.' Oh, answerphone." "'Please leave a message.' Er, hi, Zahra." "Jez here." "Yeah, erm, we're locked in your building, so if you could come back and release us from the cage, that'd be much appreciated." "Thanks a lot." "Bye-bye." "We can't get back in and we can't get out!" "We're trapped, Jeremy." "We're bloody trapped!" "Relax, I'll credit-card the lock." "That's a debit card." "Oh, fuck, this is impossible." "It's really irresponsible of films to make out that this is an option at all, because it just isn't." "Oh, God!" "I'm the sort of person who rewinds if I miss a tiny bit of a film, even a film I'm not particularly enjoying, and now I'm gonna miss the whole of my son's christening." "'All I have in the dad bank is my record of punctuality." "'Without that, I've got nothing." "'Come on, Flat B, was it youwho so coldly locked us in here to die?" "'Or the security-obsessed wanker in Flat A?" "'" "Ring Zahra again." "No, my battery." "I've only got, like, a milli-bit of power bar left." "I suppose a phone of your own might be quite useful right now, yeah?" "Yes, it would, and I'm an idiot, and any attempt I make to escape the debt-driven rat race must be punished immediately and in the most brutal fashion." "OK?" "Happy now?" "I suppose we do need to get out of here quite soon, before the air supply runs out." "What?" "Well, in here, the air supply's gonna run out sooner or later." "What?" "I'm not an idiot..." "Why does that make me an idiot?" "I need to make one call." "Just one call." "Just one." "I'm not having you being profligate with my bar." "Hello, Directories?" "Yeah, Thornton Heath locksmiths, please." "That's two!" "They're putting me through." "It counts as one." "Hello?" "It's just possible you could save my life." "Yeah..." "I've got myself locked in my flat, if you can believe it." "The address?" "Er, yep, the address." "It's, erm, King's Road..." "King's Drive." "King's Drive." "And the number?" "The number... 52." "Ooh, 54." "Er, 5..." "It's in the 50s." "Is it a 40?" "40-something?" "It's a 40..." "Perhaps you could come to King's Drive and walk up and down, and I'll shout through the letter box?" "42!" "42 King's Drive!" "42!" "We're pretty sure we live at 42 King's Drive." "Well, that's customer service." "He called me a prong." ""Prong"?" "OK, Mark, give me the phone." "Yeah, but there's the police or the fire brigade?" "If we tell one of them, they'll alert the others, cos they're all friends." "I mean, not friends, but..." "Mark, I know this phone." "It's not one of these fakers than can run forever on one red millimetre." "This phone doesn't fuck around." "'I never used to let my battery run down." "I miss you, phone.'" "Ambulance?" "Pizza." "You can't waste the bar on pizza!" "Yes, I will hold." "Don't hold!" "I'm hungry, Mark!" "I didn't have any breakfast!" "Or would you have us both starve to death?" "Yes, I'd like a large..." "'Look at him, 'the greedy gobfather gobbling pizza on his godson's time.'" "Are you posting yourself out piece by piece?" "I'm trying to catch the light with my watch face, send out an SOS." "Morse code." "A passer-by might notice it." "Uh-huh." "Maybe you'll attract a naval captain, who'll come and rescue us in his frigate." "Ooh, I tell you what, though." "What?" "I really need a wee." "Maybe...in a corner?" "Or we could make an area that became...disgusting?" "No, I'm not having it in here." "If you need to wee, there's the letter box." "You mean flop the hose out of the slot?" "Well, needs must." "Oh, right, and what if a passer-by decides to try and to turn off the nozzle?" "Hm?" "What if a squirrel wants a sausage?" "I'm not just sending my member out into the world solo to seek his fortune." "I look after him and he looks after me." "That's the contract." "The letter box is not a glory hole for urine." "Right, I'm going to this christening." "I'm gonna bloody well kick the door down." "Are you serious?" "You're going to kick the door, using one of your legs, with enough force, it's going to be smashed open?" "Yes." "Mark Corrigan is going to kick down a door." "Oh, this is too good." "Don't start yet." "Just let me get settled." "OK...and go, go, Gadget Leg!" "Mm, mm, good." "Good first kick." "Of course, you are going to have to smash it out of the frame, so only about another million more kicks like that and we'll be out." "Fuck you." "I'm not wearing the right shoes." "Oh, right, yeah, wrong shoes!" "Yeah, sure." "Bummer." "Arrrgh!" "I am so screwed!" "I'm so utterly, utterly screwed!" "Look, dude, Zahra's gonna call back." "But, you know, until she does, we're in the Nether Zone, yeah?" "Time moves at a different speed in the Nether Zone." "We need to relax." "You can't relax!" "We've got to fight, worry, speculate, tut, pace, swear!" "Why?" "Because it's an emergency!" "And in an emergency, you watch breaking news and count your tins of butter beans." "You don't just sit in the garden and put on Kiss FM." "Dude, we're here for the duration." "Let's chill out." "We have an obligation to be anxious." "It's a mark of respect for the gravity of the situation." "Let's get to know each other." "Oh, for God's sake!" "OK, um..." "Oh, oh!" "OK, if you had to - if you had to - would you have sex with me?" "It's a stupid question." "If you had to." "If the men came and they made us, with their guns." "Oh, I don't know." "I suppose...maybe I could do it, just so long as you didn't..." "What?" "..enjoy it." "I think maybe I could make it through, as long as I knew you weren't enjoying it." "Hang on." "You're saying you could rape me, but you couldn't make love to me." "That is so you." "That is you all over." "That is not me all over." "OK, here's a history one." "What would you have done in France in the war?" "Would you have joined the Resistance or not?" "I'm not getting into that." "Ah, but you want to, though, don't you?" "I've tickled your historical G-spot." "Jeremy, you could at least try to take this seriously." "You are the godfather." "What do you thinkabout this, Jeremy?" "Do you think this is too high?" "Nah, that's fine." "Totally fine." "Why don't you just jump out of the window?" "I think I could probably do it." "I just need to lower myself the initial portion and then drop." "Mark, we're not in Road Runner." "Jeremy, I'm a father." "I need to be at my son's christening." "I'm not a park bench White Lightning guy." "Besides, after weeks of negotiation," "I finally got Sophie to agree to James Ian rather than Ian James, after her dad." "Baby Ian." "Mm..." "Ian Chapman." "You'd have a baby that sounded like a solicitor." "Exactly." "So I need to make sure she doesn't swerve off-road at the last moment." "Do you really think it's impossible?" "Well, I mean, I could make it, but..." "You think I couldn't do it but you could?" "Yeah, if I needed to." "I'd just jump over the trellis, bounce off the wall, hit the ground, parachute roll - basic moves." "Well, go on, then." "Nah." "Why not?" "Not in the mood." "'Could I jump?" "Might make it easily." "'More likely splatter like a blood-filled pumpkin.'" "'Oh, that's better.'" "You're actually doing it?" "Yes, I'm actually doing it." "God, Jeremy!" "What if someone outside thinks it's some sort of comment?" "I hope there's no black or minority ethnic person walking past who thinks it's..." "Mark, it's a perfectly friendly piss." "I'm not..." "Oh, shit!" "Withdraw all units." "If it's the cops, don't open the door." "I can't open the door, Jeremy." "That's one of the key things about this whole situation." "Pizza." "Pizza!" "Nutritious, delicious pizza!" "How's he supposed to deliver it through a locked door?" "I've thought about that." "Just slide that baby through the letter box, dude." "Of course, the letter box." "Your new pleasure portal." "It won't fit, mate." "It's a large one." "Defeated by your own greed." "It's like a Grimms' fairy-tale." "Piece by piece, dude." "Piece by piece." "Oh, you've got to be joking." "OK." "Money first." "Keep the change." "This is so not how I imagined the day of my first-born son's christening." "Oh, shit, no, the brush!" "Dude, dude, we're getting fucked with the brush!" "Do you want some?" "A slice of bristly cheese-free pizza, lightly brushed in your piss?" "How can I refuse" "What happens if you eat letter-box hair?" "Strangely, there's been very little research into that scenario." "Does post even need brushing?" "Who wants brushed post?" "Hang on, dude, I've got it." "I've got a sheath." "Use this as a protective covering." "'Look at him - the James Dyson of pissy pizza.'" "Yeah..." "Hey, Mark, it's working." "We've cracked it!" "We should sell these." "Periodical pizza shields." "We could take these to the Dragons!" "We'll make our fortune." "This is a situation millions of people find themselves in every day." "There's no name for this situation, it's so unusual!" "MOBILE PHONE RINGS" "Hello?" "Oh, hi, Ben." "Er, where am I?" "I'm at home right now. 'OK, he's lying." "This is interesting.'" "I'll be on vibrate." "'Fine, I'll get the pizza, shall I?" "'" "OK, you're popping over to Zahra's?" "Do you need to, dude?" "'Great, I'm gonna miss the champagne and canapes 'because I'm working as Jeremy's mad pizza butler.'" "Great." "'Would actually quite like a slice." "'But if I ate one, I'd feel like he'd won.'" "Thanks!" "Oh, shit!" "Oh, shit!" "Oh, shit!" "Ben's coming here!" "He's got a key." "He's gonna pick up his laptop." "Oh, fingerbobs!" "Well, that's great." "We're saved." "We're rescued!" "We might make it to the christening in time." "Everything's gonna be all right!" "No, it's not." "Everything's triple-fried fucked!" "Oh?" "Why?" "Because I did sleep with Zahra last night, OK?" "If you really want to know." "Then why did you have such a go at me for being filthy-minded?" "I don't know." "I was just on a roll, enjoying being self-righteous." "Besides, we very nearly didn't." "I see." "But then we totally did." "I mean, if it makes you feel any better, the sex was terrible." "We didn't connect." "She's Lego, I'm a Stickle Brick." "She's very orally focused, whereas I'm..." "It's fine." "Oh, shit." "Oh, this is bad." "This is really, really bad." "I'm gonna lose the best job I've ever had." "Oh, what am I gonna do?" "Why don't you try having sex with women who aren't already in relationships?" "Oh, that's nice" "Kick the dirty dog while he's down." "The dirty, filthy dog deserves another quick boot in his tender nuts." "'It is quite nice kicking him in his tender nuts, the filthy, filthy bastard.'" "We've got to get out of here!" "Yes, that has been my view for some time, as it happens." "'Ooh.' Oh." "Is this the same window?" "Cos it looks much higher up." "What, now you're actually considering it?" "Oh, I can't do it." "'Of course." "He's a pathetic worm, 'just like me." "Good.'" "Ben's gonna be here any minute." "I've got to hide." "Brilliant, hide." "You could pretend to be a stuffed beast or an extremely peculiarly shaped parcel." "Hey, Dr Sarcasmo, I've found something." "Look." "OK, congratulations, you've found an area." "But we can utilise this area." "Uh-huh?" "It could be great for sleeping, this could be where we sleep." "Or do our business." "We are not shitting or sleeping in the area, Jeremy." "I could hide in the area when Ben comes." "Perfect!" "Hmm." "Didn't get four across, "boat", but they aced "solipsism"?" "Who was this person?" "Hey, look, Mark!" "Yeah?" "A thing." "A bit." "This is our ticket out of here." "We can do anything with this!" "Your faith in the "bit" is touching, Jez." "We could smash a window, or break a lock, or hit a man over the head with it." "It's like Whose Line Is it Anyway?" "for criminals." "We could sit on it for entertainment, or I could wedge it in." "'Come on, bit." "Don't let me down now, bit.'" "Hold on, Jeremy." "I think I might have found a simpler way of doing that, under the bucket." "Zahra's spare?" "Ahhh!" "'Great Into the flat." "Back to square one." "Whoo-hoo'" "Right, phone." "Food!" "Water!" "Hey, I wonder if she's the sort of dirty sausage that keep a little skin flick at the back here." "Jeremy, do you think we could take a brief time-out from the masturbatathon that is your life to go to my son's christening?" "Right, what's Sophie's mobile number?" "0-77-00..." "that's definitely how it starts." "You can do it, Rain Man." "You can do it, Rain Man." "0-77-00... 9-0-0-5-6-3?" "I think that's right." "It's ringing!" "It's ringing!" "Hello?" "It's not her." "It was a man." "Try again." "Try all the variations." "Try all the variations of the five or six numbers I'm not sure of?" "Yeah." "There can only be a few variations." "Of all the numbers?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "You really are an imbecile, aren't you?" "I'm only trying to help." "Well, you're not helping, you're..." "Hi, yeah, I'm just heading in to my bitch's place right now." "KEY TURNS IN LOCK" "KEY TURNS IN LOCK Hide!" "What?" "!" "We've got to hide!" "I'm grabbing my laptop, chow down on some brunchicus." "No, Jez." "No, I don't want to hide." "We should be safe in here." "I can't believe I'm doing this." "Look, we should just go out there and face up to our responsibilities like men." "Sure, go on, then." "I mean, not actually, but we should at least consider it." "Look, once he's had "brunchicus", he'll piss off and we can make a break for it." "How long's that going to take?" "How long's that going to take?" "I don't know!" "Since we're stuck in here, you might as well answer my question about the French Resistance." "I dunno, Jeremy." "It would have been aterribly difficult time, but I would probably have kept my head down." "You're kidding!" "I totally would have joined up." "That's very easy to say, Jeremy, but you would have risked death not just for yourself but for your family." "I'd probably have just got on a train to Berlin and taken Hitler down." "Boof, the whole thing's over." "Well, I guess we'll never know for sure." "Oh, I know." "I definitely know." "No question about it." "Well, congratulations." "You would have been a brave, brave man." "I can't believe you wouldn't be in the Resistance with me." "I'm really disappointed in you." "I can only apologise." "Don't apologise to me." "Apologise to..." "Europe." "I don't know why they're called beanie hats." "Oh, shit, he's coming!" "OK, we give ourselves up, come clean." "Or..." "'Bloody hell!" "'" "Look, I just think beanie hats..." "Look, I just think beanie hats..." "DOOR OPENS" "..are what it's all about now, dude." "BELT BUCKLE CLINKS" "'Oh." "My." "God.'" "Well, I don't know why they're called beanie hats." "Maybe it's cos in the olden days people used to store beans in them?" "Who fucking cares?" "SPLOSH" "SPLOSH Yeah. all right, call me in a bit." "Over, Gold Leader." "SPLOSH" "Ohh!" "SPLOSH" "TOILET FLUSHES" "DOOR OPENS" "DOOR CLOSES" "So...horrible." "I know, I know." "OK, right, I've got to get out of here." "No, Mark." "If you go out there, you'll destroy me." "You'll destroy my career." "Either that or destroy my relationship with my son." "Bollocks." "He's how old, one month?" "All he knows is that it's bath time in the biggest, weirdest bath in the world." "All right, if you've got to go, can you at least do something like run out with the radio?" "Then he'll think you're a burglar." "The radio-loving burglar?" "What if he stabs me?" "He won't stab you." "You're so overly dramatic." "Ben?" "Yeah, hi, honey, I'm in your home!" "Forgot my laptop." "PHONE RINGS" "Beanie man!" "'Here she comes." "If she washes, I stay put." "'Toilet action and I'm coming out.'" "ZIPPER ZIPS" "Hello." "Hello." "Hi." "What the hell?" "!" "We got locked in the Nether Zone." "We got locked in the Nether Zone." "The what?" "The airlock between your flat and the front door." "And then we got back in, and then Ben came, so we hid." "And he doesn't know that you're...?" "And he doesn't know that you're...?" "No." "Well, what are you going to do?" "Well, what are you going to do?" "We don't know." "Didn't you get my message?" "This is really, really weird." "You're in my shower!" "No, Zahra, it's not some weird thing." "We're not touching ourselves or touching each other." "My boyfriend's out there." "I know, and I guess this might be a good time to, as we discussed, break up with him." "I mean, he might leave, all crying, and, you know, everyone's cushty." "I can't handle thisright now, Jeremy." "I think we should put the whole thing on ice." "You mean us dancing on ice?" "No, like they put dead bodies on ice." "Is this about last night?" "Cos I can do better." "I know I can." "I didn't even...go down on you, which is a great shame, because I love to go down on women, don't I, Mark?" "Rinse and repeat." "Always with the rinse and repeat." "It's over, Jez." "That's the headline, OK?" "Jez, come on!" "Look, I really, really don't want to get into this conversation." "I'm missing my son's christening, so if you'll excuse me..." "Mark, no." "Ben can't find out what's been happening." "We can't break up over one little blip." ""One little blip"?" "Why do I keep getting dumped?" "I mean, what's wrong with me?" "Am I a bad person?" "No, you're not a bad person, Jez." "Zahra's just having a little wobble." "It's going to be fine." "I don't think it is." "I'm going." "I've got to go." "I'm really, really sorry, but it's not my fault." "KNOCK ON DOOR" "Hey, hon, can I jump in the shower?" "I'm so sweaty, my sack's stuck to my leg with superglue." "Give me five minutes." "Jeremy!" "Mark?" "Er, yeah, sorry." "I've got to go." "Goodbye." "What the hell are they doing here?" "What the hell are they doing here?" "Look, I should, er, explain." "Sometimes we come here, me and Mark." "Zahra lets us use this place." "What for?" "What for?" "To meet." "Um, it's just a good place for us to...meet at lunchtime." "What, are you and Mark...?" "It's complicated." "And you use this place to...?" "And you use this place to...?" "Well, often we'll just have a glass of wine and a chat." "But yes, sometimes Mark and I will...jump in the shower together." "Still locked." "Double-locked." "Can I get the key?" "No!" "But..." "What the fuck?" "Why here?" "Why not at your place?" "Why here?" "Er, Mark, you explain." "Well, we just feel safe here." "There's a lot of prejudices and labels in the world, but here it's a free zone." "Now can I get the key?" "No." "No." "Very well." "We used to go to the Travelodge, but..." "We used to go to the Travelodge, but..." "Why is he wearing my trousers?" "Look, the truth is that sometimes we like to pretend that one of us is you so that the other one gets to fuck him." "That's bullshit." "You're not gay guys." "You look like shit for gay guys." "Hey, you don't know all the kinds of gay guys." "We're not all clones from the clone zone. 'God, I'd be a great gay guy!" "'" "Argh!" "You did it, man!" "Did you do a parachute roll?" "Sort of." "You da man!" "'My God, he did it!" "What an incredibly brave dick pipe.'" "We made it in time for the party." "Hmm." "Are you OK?" "He didn't actually say I was sacked." "I mean, he didn't say it." "I think it was implied." "I actually think I aced it." "'I feel bad when everything's basically fine, while he feels good 'after enduring the most humiliating day of his life." "It's infuriating.'" "Hello, Ian." "Sorry we're late." "You've missed your son's christening, but you've made it in time for the sandwiches?" "Congratulations." "Yes, well..." "My children's christenings were two of the proudest days of my life." "But you?" "What, you took the wrong turning?" "Your sat-nav was broken?" "What was it?" "It was complicated." "It was complicated." "You can tell that to your son." "You missed it." "I know." "I was just..." "Jeff was kind enough to stand in as godfather." "Oh, that's good." "Hate for him to go to hell cos of silly old me." "Just get us a pint, mate, and we'll call it quits." "Yeah, and I hope you don't mind, but we put our heads together at the last minute, and we felt Ian James just sounded more him." "'Oh, fuck.'" "How about a toast?" "To baby Ian." "Baby Ian!" "'Mm." "Sweet, delicious, rancid Champagne.'" "Adriano_CSI"