"Sorry, I don't want a blow job." "That's funny, neither do I." "So this slutty phase..." "How long has that been going on?" "Why are you getting a job at a wine shop if you don't like wine?" "We're across the street." "I know, it's super convenient." "You must be like the laziest person alive." "Do you think I could get your number?" "Why do you want my number?" "This party seems to be for fags." "You're poison." "If you promise not to get fresh you can sleep in my room." "Woah." "You alright?" "Yeah, no, I'm great." "Hey, how are you?" "Was it as bad as you thought it was going to be?" "No, I just..." "I slept, like, the whole time." "I'm just really sleepy right now, so I need to... sleep." "Let's get you inside." "Okay." "Beth?" "I miss my teeth." "Hush." "I wouldn't say I was a planner, I would say I was a kinda fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants girl." "You know, moment to moment." "That's me." "That's... yeah." "You know, you could pay me." "That's one way to break the ice." "Oh, yeah, I'm sorry." "I assume cash is acceptable?" "Cash works for me, yeah." "Hey, you know, speaking of which..." "Oh." "Uh, kitchen table." "You're on my fax." "Well that's one I haven't been on before." "Think you can handle some soup?" "Huh?" "How about this one?" "No." "What's wrong with it?" "It makes your head look tall." "Look tall?" "Are you kidding?" "No." "I read it in a magazine!" "Your head accounts for, like, thirty percent of your total body height, so." "What magazine?" "You know what, don't tell me." "Never mind." "Then why did you ask for my opinion?" "Because when you say stupid shit like that, it makes me realize that I basically look fine in everything I own." "You're welcome." "Does the wine shop know that you're applying for jobs?" "Not exactly." "At all." "I just saw this job online, and it's at a publishing firm, and I think I'd make a really good editor." "How's your book?" "The book is gone, Mitchell." "There is no more of it." "This is what I'm talking about." "I edited so well that it's gone now." "Cute." "So what's up with you today?" "Did that barista turn out to be straight?" "No." "I didn't ask." "Yet." "I'm just..." "lonely and unhappy, and it's boring." "And you didn't even remember it's my birthday." "Oh, fuck." "Who says I didn't remember?" "I got you this... gently-used lint roller!" "You shouldn't have." "It's not really your birthday, is it?" "No." "I'm sorry, baby." "Keep your chin up." "Go do something fun, like, go dancing or whatever." "Have we met?" "I hate clubs." "My glasses get all fogged up, it's a mess." "I think I'm just going to go home tonight and listen to as many versions of Moon River as I can find on the internet." "Happy Friday night, everyone." "Besides, I only do one fun thing every year and I'm saving myself for your big party or whatever." "Good!" "You know what you should do?" "What should I do?" "You should order two burritos, and when that cute delivery guy drops them off, you can lure him inside with your feminine wiles and have your way with him!" "You know, maybe you're right." "I mean if Jack can prowl around Brooklyn picking up these well-hung neanderthals, I don't see why I can't do the same thing, right?" "Because I was joking and he'll pepper spray you?" "Oh." "Huh." "How about this one?" "Shut my mouth." "Hello, Ty." "She needs to put her tits away." "Where have you been all morning?" "I know you can't get laid for shit, but heterosexuality is not the answer." "Girl, not today." "Don't call me girl, Mitchell!" "Ow!" "Don't hit me!" "Why not?" "Do I look like a girl to you?" "Honestly, Ty, you smell like a girl to me." "I smell like roses, bitch." "It's a term of endearment, I've told you that before." "Well I do not find it endearing." "I apologize." "Now get back to work, faggot." "What?" "!" "Ty." "Is that fair?" "Fairs are for the fall, Mitchell." "You can't walk around our office spouting off homophobic slurs like this is some kind of a... homophobia... place!" "You know, homophobia gets a bad rap, but what it means is people being afraid of homos." "And I know I'd feel a lot safer walking home alone at night in Charlotte, North Carolina if more people were afraid of me." "Function, you horrible fucking sweating cunt!" "Oh, hey Deena." "She offends me, does she offend you?" "Deena?" "Yeah." "She's terrified of you." "Well." "So am I. I'm going to lunch." "You're gonna go meet your internet girlfriend." "No, Ty, I'm not." "Have fun!" "Have crabs!" "I need help!" "Deena!" "Deena?" "Deena." "If they remake 'Pretty Woman' with Anne Hathaway or some shit I'm going to fucking kill myself." "You know, I still can't even feel my jaw." "Hey, do you have a girlfriend?" "Nope." "You should get a girlfriend." "Being alone sucks fucking balls." "What?" "I didn't say anything." "That's why Richard Gere pays Pretty Woman all that money." "Because being alone fucks sucking balls." "Well." "Yeah." "But..." "Pretty Woman is alone, right?" "I mean, she's alone when she's not hanging out with Richard Gere, and... she makes a lot of money." "And like with inflation she makes even more money." "Plus she doesn't have to take anybody to get their wisdom teeth out." "Her problem is she hangs out with the same guy a few times and then it gets all... whatever." "And then George Costanza tries to rape her." "Oh, shit." "Sorry, you've seen this before, right?" "So." "Oona." "What I'm getting from you here - and correct me if I'm wrong - is that you are completely underqualified for this position." "Is that accurate?" "If you take a look at my special skills section..." "It says here that you excel in reading, and... reading." "That's a typo." "The second 'reading' has three g's." "I have a cat." "Okay." "Well." "Thank you so much for coming in." "You have a great weekend." "Enjoy the weather!" "Thank you." "[Door buzzer]" "Hey." "Hi." "16.50." "Great." "Here you go." "Thanks." "Take it " "You know, I ordered two burritos." "...okay." "I ordered a vegetarian burrito, because I thought you might be vegetarian." "Are you vegetarian?" "Yeah..." "Do you want to come in?" "Ladies and gentlemen, for tonight's entertainment I am proud to present 'West Side Story.'" "I will be playing all the parts." "Thank you." "And then she pretty much performs all of 'West Side Story.'" "This is unreal." "How'd you even find this?" "I spend a lot of time on the internet." "That's hot." "How would you feel about having sex with me?" "You're the perfect lover." "Well..." "[Door buzzer]" "Hey." "Hi." "18.50." "Great." "Thanks." "Thanks." "Have a good one." "You know, I ordered two burritos." "Huh?" "I said, I ordered two burritos." "You must be really hungry." "No, I ordered two " "You have dental floss hanging from your mouth." "Ow." "I ordered..." "I ordered a vegetarian burrito because I thought." "Um." "I ordered a vegetarian burrito because I thought you might be vegetarian." "Are you vegetarian?" "No, I'm vegan." "This has happened to me like three times today, already today, so enjoy your two burritos and have a nice evening." "I'm sorry." "Shit." "That was weird." "I shouldn't have even assumed that you're gay." "You're probably not even gay." "No, I am!" "And sometimes this even works." "But the two burritos?" "That shirt?" "You look desperate." "Oh, and I'm keeping all that change, by the way." "That makes sense." "Could you tell me about this wine?" "It's a malbec, so... it's French, maybe Italian." "I could lie to you but I'm just not sure." "I need something to go with tilapia." "What's tilapia?" "It's a fish." "Oh." "Well... malbec's red, so it goes with fish or veal." "Whatever." "I mean, it's a malbec." "I don't really drink red wine, myself." "I'll basically sleep with anybody after three glasses." "Except maybe Seth Rogen." "How tall is Seth Rogen?" "I don't know - maybe 5'8"?" "Oh -this malbec!" "The Loca Linda!" "This is a great malbec." "Yeah?" "Yes, definitely." "It's got notes of wood, it's... musky..." "You know, it's stylish but it's not ostentatious." "Yeah." "Soft-spoken yet masculine." "Mm-hmm." "Strong, furry arms." "I will take it." "Hey, you." "Hi." "First things first." "Thanks." "I couldn't find them in the dark this morning." "So, what did you want to...?" "So." "So, right." "So." "Take your time." "No, right, sorry." "Um." "Hey." "I like you." "You're sweet." "I think we shouldn't... probably shouldn't hang out anymore." "Ah." "Bullshit." "Go order us some coffee and think about what you've done." "No, really " "No, not really." "You like me, and you smell good, and the sex is... good, but getting better." "Am I right?" "This isn't about that." "Obviously." "Two coffees, please." "Shut up." "Anything else?" "No, that's all." "$4.50." "Thanks." "I'm sorry, sir, we're closing." "Hey, Oona!" "Oh!" "Russell, right?" "Yeah, we met at that party." "Tucker's party, God." "How's your boyfriend?" "He's gay." "I'm sorry to hear that?" "No, no no." "He's always been gay." "Super duper gay." "Queer as pancakes." "So he didn't, like, come out while he was dating you, right?" "Oh, no." "No, not him." "My ex, though..." "You're not secretly gay, are you?" "I don't think so." "Although I was a boyscout for like ten years." "Oh." "I didn't go all the way, though, so..." "Oh." "I don't know how to feel about that." "'All the way' meaning I didn't become an Eagle Scout." "Oh!" "Not 'all the way' like, anal sex in a tent all the way." "No." "You're not actually closing, are you?" "Probably." "I'm bored." "I guess it's a little counter-intuitive to ask if you want to leave work at a wine shop to get a drink, right?" "It is a little counter-intuitive." "Huh." "We could just pick something out and take it to the back." "Work for me." "Red or white?" "Red?" "I like the way you think." "There." "Isn't that better?" "Shut up for a second, okay?" "I moved to New York with a guy." "After school." "A boyfriend, for two years or something - a decade in gay years." "And we lived together for almost a year after that before it started not... working anymore." "It happens." "'It happens' is bullshit." "I fucked up." "When it wasn't working and I couldn't think of the right way to stop... being with him... instead of just talking about it" " I mean, we talked about it, we talked a lot " "I exploded two and a half years without even really thinking about it." "How bad?" "How bad... he told me to choke on a string of hot Christmas lights." "Wow." "He didn't mean that." "He dropped by last month to tell me how much he meant it, so..." "A month ago." "When was this?" "Seven months ago." "Almost seven." "So this explains the slutty phase." "I don't know, maybe." "Kind of." "I had never slept with anyone else, you know." "And I wanted to." "I mean, I'm in my 20's." "I'm never going to look this good again." "You are the soul of modesty." "You know what I mean" "I do." "And obviously, I don't care about the slutty... thing." "Moment." "Because it's over." "Right?" "Yes, it is." "And I don't care about how badly you fucked up last time." "Because that was last time and this is this time." "I'm not dating that guy, I'm dating you." "Oh, are we dating now?" "When did that happen?" "Not - you know what I mean." "What are we doing, then?" "If you were on a football team..." "Oh my God." "A football analogy." "This is too cute." "If you were on a football team, you wouldn't ask the water boy to play quarterback, right?" "I slept with a quarterback once in high school." "How was that?" "Furtive." "What's the point?" "I like you, too, and I'm just feeling really, incredibly... toxic, like corrosive." "To myself, and... the things that I want are bad for me and the things that I do..." "I'm just such an asshole, and " "You're not an asshole." "Your penis... your cock curves to the left a little." "Just a little bit." "No, it doesn't." "My left, I mean, and I sincerely don't care." "God, and here I was worrying." "But in my head it's like another thing that says I could..." "I could do better." "I don't think you're an asshole." "A minute ago I wasn't an asshole, now you don't think I'm an asshole." "You're not going to scare me off by going all rude and Black Swan here, okay?" "If you didn't want to see me again, you wouldn't see me again." "You wouldn't tell me to have coffee with you to moan about the curvature of my dick." "Which, for the record, isn't what I'm usually hearing you moan about." "Maybe you're an asshole, Jack." "But I know a thing when I see one, and this is a thing." "Do you get that?" "In a minute, I'm going to get a phone call because I arranged for a phone call... in case I needed an escape plan." "Do you get that?" "I don't." "I don't think I can do this, okay?" "Please." "Just... please." "Okay?" "[Phone vibrating]" "[Paul Anka's cover of 'Moon River']"