"Hey, hey, hey!" "ELLIOTT:" "Hey, look who's back." "Look who's back." "So, how was Jamaica?" "Just like Florida, except everyone speaks English." "You know what I mean." "How did it go with Courtney?" "Yeah, I assume you closed the deal." "Sir, a gentleman does not talk." "So what's stopping you?" "Well, let's just say I did my fair share of body surfing." "(LAUGHS)" "Yeah." "What does that mean?" "Let's put it this way." "All of D. Finch's fun didn't come under the sun." "(LAUGHS)" "Right on." "What are you saying?" "Between you and me, the tide wasn't the only thing going in and out." "You didn't get any, did you?" "No." "You've gotta be kidding me." "You flew this woman to Jamaica, you put her up in a first class hotel, and nothing happened?" "And after all those little romantic notes she sent you?" "And the flirty e-mails?" "Well, maybe I read too much into them." "She said she wanted you on a beach alone under the Jamaican moonlight." "Well, I was alone on the beach the five hours after she got me wasted and said she'd be right back." "Please tell me you didn't do anything weird like talk about your action figure collection." "A, of course not." "And B, it's a sound financial investment." "C, not if you take them out of the box and play with them." "Man, did she play you for a chump." "Dude, it's not like I didn't see her naked." "You did?" "Yeah." "I was just pretending to be asleep when she was getting it on with the tennis pro." "Excuse me." "How could she do that?" "After all the trouble you went to." "Hey, it's no big deal." "So she didn't fall in love with me." "So I maxed out my credit cards." "So I cashed in my mint-condition Darth Vader mask to upgrade to the presidential suite." "I don't even like Star Wars anymore." "Poor guy." "You know, it's women like Courtney that give the rest of us a bad name." "I would love to see her get burned sometime." "Yeah, yeah." "I'd love to do to her what she did to him." "I'd wine her." "I'd dine her." "And just when I had her in the palm of my hand, I'd say," ""You screwed over my friend and that's not cool with me."" "Easier said than done." "Oh, please." "I date supermodels." "She's just a civilian." "You know, you make it hard to root for you." "Listen, I feel bad about this whole Courtney thing." "Thanks, man." "So I'm gonna do to her what she did to you." "Give her a painful 72-hour erection?" "I'm gonna ask her out." "I'm gonna string her along, and just when she's ready to go for me," "I'm gonna look her in the eye and say," ""You screwed over my friend, and that's not cool with me!"" "Well, as much as I love playing 98-pound weakling to your Charles Atlas," "I can handle this myself, thanks." "Hey, pal." "Hi, Courtney." "Here are the quarterly reports for Mr. Gallo." "Oh, and I had to pay for those tennis lessons with my own money, so..." "I'll write you a check." "I could just kiss you." "(LAUGHS) Aw." "Get her." "Nina, my office, now." "Well, I'm sorry, Jack, but you have the only couch that folds out." "What about my couch?" "All joking aside, what can I do for you?" "I need your expertise." "I have to lose some weight fast." "Oh!" "Well, that's easy." "I have a system that's sure-fire." "Let me guess." "Sweating under the oldies?" "Shouldn't you be at the North Pole, making toys?" "So, Jack, what's this all about?" "It's about self-respect." "It's about dignity." "It's about the triumph of good over evil." "You made another silly bet with Donald Trump, didn't you?" "There's nothing silly about it." "Whoever drops the most weight by Friday wins, and the other has to play golf with a flounder down his pants." "Well, how did you arrive at that?" "I said salmon." "He said monkfish." "The lawyers took it from there." "Nina, you've got to help me." "Oh, you haven't won a bet with Trump in five years." "I know." "I can win this one." "Oh, the last time you said that, you wound up pants down at a tattoo parlor." "Egomaniac has to put his name on everything." "All right, if you really, really wanna lose weight, then I am with you to the bitter end." "Great." "My only rule is no pills." "Later, Tubby." "Nina, wait!" "I'm desperate." "You're the only one who can help me." "I need you." "Really?" "Oh, Jack, if I weren't on so much Prozac, I could just cry." "Then we're on?" "You bet." "I'll write you out an easy-to-follow diet." "But first, the fundamentals." "Now I like to think of my body as a temple." "Which explains why there's a line to get in on Friday nights." "What's the deal?" "Elliott's setting the trap." "He's asking Courtney out." "Don't stare!" "Look busy." "God, just looking at her makes me sick." "MAYA:" "Her fake little laugh." "And that trampy way she keeps touching him." "Disgusting." "MAYA:" "The way she keeps fiddling with her bra strap." "Actually, I'm kind of digging that part." "You know, I talked to her this morning." "She is so shallow and self-centered." "She thinks everything is about her." "(CLEARING THROAT) I can hear you." "Hey, friend!" "Hey, buddy, old pal!" "Well, we're on for dinner tomorrow night." "She said, "Yes"?" "Just throw her a few empty compliments and that woman will say "Yes" to anything." "I'm still in the room!" "By the way, I appreciate all the help." "Man, it's nothing." "I'd crawl through a mine field for you, buddy." "Hey, man, if you were ever murdered," "I'd hunt down your killer and put a gun to his head." "And he'd say, "Please, don't hurt me!" ""I'll give you anything you want!"" "And I'll go, "Oh, really?" "'Cause I want my friend back!"" "And then I'd go, "No, you ain't worth it."" "Then I'd go, "Yes, you are!" Boom!" "And blow his head off." "Yeah!" "Thanks, man." "I have never witnessed a creepier display of affection." "Serves you right for peeking in my office." "What are you doing?" "Oh, I'm helping your father with a diet." "Which is why I'm getting rid of all this fattening food." "Nina, that's Baxter's diabetes medicine!" "Well, we all have to make sacrifices." "Oh, what's the point?" "The longest my father has ever been on a diet is the amount of time it takes to toast a Pop-Tart." "Shame on you." "Jack Gallo is a man of tremendous discipline." "And if he says he's sticking to a diet, then I can assure you... (EXCLAIMING) Chunky!" "Jack, no!" "Hey, I was eating that." "Oh, well." "Donuts!" "Have you gone mad?" "Nina, it's okay." "They're not donuts." "They're "chocolate health circles." No fat, no calories." "Says right here, "There's a dozen sit-ups in every bite."" "I'm gonna have to ask you to stop doing that." "Sugar." "Pure cane." "Probably from Hawaii." "They bring it over in boats." "You mean, I've been duped?" "Where did these come from?" "Delivery guy just dropped them off." "There he is." "Don't play dumb." "We know there was sugar in the donuts." "I've got no idea what you're talking about, pops." "Admit it." "Trump sent you, didn't he?" "Trump?" "Never heard of him, my man." "Answer the question, dirt-bag." "Okay, okay." "It was Trump!" "I knew it!" "Look, he said it would be funny." "I tried to say no, but he got all crazy-like." "Can I have that glass of water now?" "Donald?" "Jack here." "I got your boy." "Say hello, Chuckles." "I didn't say nothing, Mr. Trump!" "They made me tell them every..." "That's enough." "What do you say we up the stakes?" "We're captains of industry." "We got a penny or two in the bank." "Why not a wager worthy of our status?" "Uh-huh." "Uh-huh!" "Exactly what I was thinking." "Loser has to play golf in a dress." "Can I go now?" "You know, you take punishment very well." "You seeing anyone?" "So I said, "Look, I know you're trying to raise money for charity and all," ""but those are pancakes, not crepes."" "And I should know, being 1/16th French." "See, my father's mother..." "Stop talking." "What?" "I mean, the way the light is hitting you, it's breathtaking." "I just wanna remember this moment silently." "Oh, please." "You're always with those beautiful models." "I still can't believe you even asked me out." "Are you kidding?" "I spend all day lighting those women to look half as pretty as you do right now in the simple glow of this candle." "Lumiere." "Excuse me?" "Lumiere." "It's the name of the talking candlestick in Beauty and the Beast." "And she loves the theater." "Thank you, God." "I've been such a fool." "For so long, I've been chasing this false ideal of perfection, when all along, you were right there in front of me." "An angel sent from heaven." "Oh, my God, that's so sweet." "I feel like I just wanna cry." "I need a minute." "Oh!" "And if you see the waiter, tell him this caviar has turned." "I should know, I'm 1/8th Russian." "Finch, Finch, it's me." "Yeah." "I'm at the restaurant and she's all mine." "Time for, "You screwed over my friend, and that's not cool with me!"" "Okay, I'll leave the phone on." "I don't know, 32 cents a minute." "Don't worry about it." "It's on me." "All right, here she comes." "Hey, I was thinking, there's this great zydeco club around the corner, and I'm 1/32nd Creole..." "Courtney." "I don't know what's come over me." "I think it's you." "But I'm just going to be bold." "We've wasted so much time already." "I just want to take you home, hold you tightly in my arms, and together, experience a world of possibilities." "Wow." "If by "world of possibilities,"" "you mean the hottest, wildest, oiliest night of crazy, freaky, monkey sex this side of Bangkok, then I say saddle up, cowboy." "You're going for the ride of your life." "Giddyap." "Ladies and gents, it's New York's number one heartbreaker," "Elliott DiMaurolizer." "Yeah!" "Dude, your phone went out." "How'd she take it?" "Yeah, did she make a scene?" "Well, she did get pretty loud." "Oh, you guys, you guys, you guys." "(EXCLAIMS)" "Courtney!" "How does it feel?" "How does it feel?" "(GRUNTS)" "How does what feel?" "I haven't done it yet, buddy." "That down comforter I gave you." "Not too fluffy, I hope." "No, it's fine." "I'm just not sure if I like the color anymore." "Okay." "Hi, Elliott." "Hey, Courtney." "Oh, my God." "You slept with her." "I did not." "Yes, you did." "Admit it." "Maya, I did not sleep with her, I swear." "I could tell by the satisfied look on her face." "She was glowing, wasn't she?" "Oh!" "I knew it, I knew it!" "How could you?" "I was fighting it." "I was." "But then we went back to her place, and there was music and candles, and she had the softest down comforter." "What about what she did to poor Finch?" "Well, that's not really any of my business." "I mean..." "Don't look at me like that!" "I'm telling you, she's amazing." "It felt like I was with three women." "And I've been with three women." "(SIGHING)" "Finch is your friend." "Do you have any idea what this would do to him if he found out?" "Hey, if he's a real friend, he'll be happy for me." "Yeah, you're right." "Let's go tell him." "All right, all right, all right." "I'll break it off with her." "But she's a very sensitive person, and this is really gonna hurt her feelings." "And you call yourself a womanizer." "So, you ready for the big weigh-in, Bones?" "(LAUGHS) I don't know." "Can you weigh a feather?" "Oh, Jack, I am so proud of you that I got you a little something from The Sharper Image." "A talking scale!" "Boy, you gotta hand it to those guys." "They see a need and they fill it." "Oh." "Better lose the shoes." "I want the most accurate reading." "WOMAN'S VOICE:" "One at a time, please." "You weigh 194." "194?" "I gained nine pounds?" "What the hell have you done to me?" "Me?" "Obviously, you cheated." "How can you say that?" "I've been starving myself all week with this stupid diet of yours." "And you followed it exactly?" "To the letter." "Well, what did you have for dinner last night?" "The pasta, or the chicken, or the tuna?" ""Or?"" "Hey, Maya, I'm sorry I had to back out of lunch, but a friend of mine is in the hospital." "One minute he's playing the piano, the next minute he's in an oxygen tent." "Why him?" "It's just not fair." "Your pants are inside out." "(GROANS)" "Damn it." "Elliott, this is ridiculous." "It's been going on for a week." "What is so special about Courtney that you're willing to blow your friendship with Finch?" "Well, at the risk of sounding crass, she's 1/8th Chinese acrobat." "You have to tell Finch the truth." "Oh, please." "No way." "I mean, the boy looks up to me like I'm a superhero or something." "Hey, bald man." "See?" "He thinks I'm Baldman." "This fax just came in." "Something about a bed-and-breakfast reservation in Vermont." "Oh, yeah." "Thanks." "You're taking Courtney, aren't you?" "Yep, Saturday's the day I drop the bomb on her, buddy." "So explain to me why you have to drive all the way to Vermont to do that?" "I just want the big blow-off to be perfect." "Trust me, revenge is a dish best served with fresh maple syrup." "I thought the big blow-off was supposed to be a week ago, at dinner." "And then, it was gonna be at the theater." "And then the hansom cab ride." "What's the plan?" "Marry her, grow old together and then yell "Sucker!" at her open casket?" "Finch, Elliott has something he needs to tell you." "She's right." "I do." "I just don't know where to start." "I'm shocked that you'd think I would betray our friendship like that." "Elliott." "I mean, any schmo can take her out once and dump her." "I'm trying to draw her in, so I can play her just as bad as she played you." "Here I am busting my hump, and for what?" "Do you think this is fun for me?" "I'm sorry, man." "I thought maybe..." "Oh, I know what you thought." "I'm sorry." "(MUMBLES)" "And those pants are cool." "Nina!" "It's iced tea, I swear." "I just had the most fun I've ever had on a golf course." "You won the bet?" "You mean, Trump had to play in a dress?" "No, I did, but it's the best thing that ever happened to me." "Oh, Jack, I am so relieved." "So what happened?" "I was so nervous about wearing the dress, that for once, I didn't over-think my swing." "Every shot was pure instinct." "Or should I say, "Intuition."" "Driving, chipping, putting, it didn't matter." "Maybe it was the wind up my skirt, but I've never felt more alive." "Plus, an insurance salesman bought me a drink at the 19th hole." "Sweet fella." "Man, was he built." "Hey." "Hey, listen, about what happened earlier," "I'm sorry for doubting you, especially after everything you've done for me." "Water under the bridge, man." "Anyway, here." "What's this?" "Nothing." "Ziggy." "Somehow, he always has a way of saying what I can't." ""Friendship is having someone to share a rainbow with."" "I don't know what to say." "Maybe it's lame." "I..." "Lame?" "It's not lame." "You know what's lame?" "People who screw over their friends." "People who are selfish, who cause pain and anguish." "That's what's lame." "You freaking rock, man!" "Elliott, the town car's here." "Oh, hi, amigo!" "All right, we're just friends." "I get it." "Courtney, we need to talk." "Can we talk about it in the car?" "No, this can't wait." "Courtney, you screwed over my friend, and that's not cool with me." "Are you saying I need a spanking?" "Because I brought a paddle." "No, I'm saying..." "You screwed over my friend, and that's not cool with me." "I heard you the first time." "It's not like my knees are in my ears." "Yet." "Go ahead, buddy, tell her again." "(MUMBLING) You screwed over my friend, and that's not..." "Elliot, are you breaking up with me?" "(MUMBLING) I'm trying to." "Well, okay." "Whatever." "See you Monday." "Huh?" "Huh?" "Huh?" "We did it, huh, pal?" "We showed her good, huh?" "All that work, and neither of us got to have sex with her." "Yeah, right, yeah." "(SIGHS)" "Hey, that's the last time we let a woman interfere and threaten our friendship." "Especially a money-grubbing, champagne-guzzling, man-hating exhibitionist in a size zero dress." "Well, thank you." "That's the first nice thing anyone's said about me all week." "* Life keeps bringing me back to you" "* Keeps bringing me home" "* It don't matter what I wanna do" "* 'Cause it's got a mind of its own." "* Life keeps bringing me back to you *"