"TESSA [IN VOICE OVER]:" "If somebody put a gun to my head and forced me to say my favorite thing about the suburbs I would have to say it's the water pressure." "The water doesn't have to inch its way up to the 10th floor like it did in the city." "It's always right there when you need it." "Gushing, powerful, hot." "[PIPES RUMBLE]" "TESSA:" "You're kidding me." " Your water shut off too?" "TESSA:" "I still have shampoo in my hair." "Trust me, I have a worse situation involving soft soap." " Well, should we call the super?" " I am the super." "[DOOR BELL RINGS]" " Okay." " Hey." "Uh, what's going on?" " I told you he had a good build." " I stand corrected." "Okay." "What...?" "Can I help you?" "Bad news, George." "Somebody ran over the fire hydrant on your front lawn." "Okay." "We don't have a fire hydrant on our front lawn." " Well, you do now." " Heh-heh." "[FRED SIGHS]" "Oh." "[WATER GUSHING]" "Wow." "This is a first for Chatswin High having an undercover narc on the premises." "It's very exciting." "It's like The Wire." "I don't know how exciting it is that kids are using and distributing steroids." "Very." "But I promise to keep this shizzle on the DL so I don't blow up your spot." "I appreciate that." "I'm gonna introduce you into the school population the way I introduce every new student, by assigning you a buddy." "Tessa." "Tessa?" "This is Josh Sherman." "Josh is a new student here at our school." "And since you're our most recent addition to Chatswin I couldn't think of anyone better to show Josh the ropes." "Are you sure?" "I'm still looking for one to hang myself with." "[LAUGHS]" "She's so wry." "[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]" "Moving here from the city is challenging at first." " There's a lot of stuff to get used to." " Like what?" "Who's this loser?" " I'm Josh." " Tessa showing you around Losertown?" "Well, if this is Losertown, wouldn't that make you a loser?" "Oh, wow, logic." " Is everybody like...?" " Most." "Most." "Man, I thought Manhattan cost a fortune." "There hasn't been a day since I moved here that something hasn't broken down or needed painting or caulking weather-stripping or resurfacing." "Sounds like my wife." "Ha-ha, I'm just kidding." "Jill looks great." "For a woman in her 40s." "Ha-ha-ha." "I'm just joking." "I married too young." " Ha-ha-ha-ha." "Stop me." " Heh." "[MOUTHS] Hi." "[IN HUSHED VOICE] And that is my other problem." " Dallas?" " Yeah." "[IN NORMAL VOICE] Look at the way she's smiling at me." "Ahem." "That's the way she smiles at everybody." "Look at the way she's eating that banana." " That's the way she eats everything." " What?" "No, it is not." "Trust me, things have been weird ever since she kissed me." "Whoa." "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "And wait and what and huh?" "She kissed you?" "Where?" " On the lips." " Where in the world?" "Oh, at my house on Christmas." "I told you that." "You certainly did not tell me." "I would have remembered." "She's smoking hot." " She's married." " Which makes it hotter." " Your wife's married." " Yeah, but she's married to me." "Lisa, this is Josh." "He just moved here from Chicago." "Hi, Lisa." "I've never been to Chicago, but I'm a big fan of the musical and found Queen Latifah to be an unexpected surprise in the movie version." "Nice meeting you." " I think I have a shot with him." " Why do you think that?" "He hasn't had time to form an opinion about me based on what everyone else thinks." "Just do me a favor and put in a good word for me, would you?" "I don't know." "Tell him I'm nice and smart and..." "And not related to him." "Tell him I'm adopted." "I think I left my car keys." "[EASY LISTENING MUSIC PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]" " Oh." " Looking for these, Daddy?" "Ooh." "Oh." "Heh." " Dallas." " Mr. Sneaky-Face tried to sneak out without saying goodbye." "No, actually, Mr. I-Didn't-Wanna-Bother- You-Face didn't wanna bother you." "Well, I want you to bother me, George." "You should know that." "I do know that." "But I don't want to bother you." "I think you and I should talk." " So talk." " Well, not here." "This club is full of busybodies and nudgy-noses." "This is private." "I'll call you." "She still has my car keys." "So, Josh, you remember that girl Lisa I introduced you to yesterday?" " No." " You know, kind of dirty-blond hair hazel-brown eyes, loves Queen Latifah?" "Oh, Lisa." "No." "Josh." "She's super nice and smart." "And adopted." "If you're into that sort of thing." "Which some people are." " Boom." "Ooh." "JOSH:" "Who's that?" "TESSA:" "Wait a minute." "I'd spent enough time in the West Village to recognize that look." "That look meant that Josh was never gonna like Lisa." "Because Josh was gay, and it was, for lack of a better word, fabulous." " What you doing?" " Studying for a Spanish test." "Oh." "Well, if you're stuck on "ceiling," I think it's el techo." "Or is that "armpit"?" "So this new guy started at Chatswin today." " Yeah?" " He's super nice." "Real gay." "But I think he's in the closet, which is bumming me out." "Everybody has to be honest about who they are." "Exactly." "Have you met people?" "Very few are completely honest about who they are." " I am." " You'd have no problem with people knowing you DVR For the Love of Ray J?" "[WHISPERS] We all have our secrets." "[CELL PHONE RINGING]" "[GEORGE SIGHS]" "Ugh." "[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]" "[SPEAKING IN FRENCH IN NORMAL VOICE]" "I took French." "DALLAS:" "Squeeze it." " You gotta squeeze it, George." "GEORGE:" "Hm?" "Uh..." "Oh." "Hey, Dallas." "What a coincidence." " Not really." "I followed you here." " Yeah?" " Here, feel these." "Feel my melons." " Okay." "See how full they feel in the palm of your hand?" "That's how you know they're juicy and ready to eat." "Okay, you know, I don't think I'm gonna get any melons anyway so I'll see you later." "George, I've been calling you and you haven't answered." "And I'm starting to feel like maybe you're avoiding me." "Avoiding you?" "That's crazy." "Why would I?" "I wouldn't." "I'm not." "Good." "Because I have a proposal for you." " I would like for you to design..." " Dallas, you are a married woman." "[ELEVATOR MUSIC PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]" "What does my being married have to do..." " ...with you designing my boutique?" " Nothing." " I just think the two of us..." " Oh, look who it is." " Golden raisins." "SHEILA:" "George." "Would you like a coupon for ground chuck?" " No, thanks, I'm fine." " Take the coupon, George." " You're gonna need it." " What's that supposed to mean?" "We're gonna hit you where it hurts." "Right in the..." " Cinnamon rolls." " What?" "George, that geyser on your lawn caused extensive water damage to our driveway." "And, sadly, we're gonna have to have the whole thing re-paved." " Ooh, that sounds expensive, George." " Oh, it will be." "And if George doesn't pay for it, we'll sue." " Don't want to." " But we will." "The Shays are a litigious people." "DALLAS:" "Well, what do you think, George?" "Half price on your ground chuck or design my boutique?" "[WOMAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY OVER PA]" " When do I start?" "DALLAS:" "Heh-heh-heh." "[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]" "[CHATTERING]" "Hey, Tessa." "Do you know Ryan Shay?" "TESSA:" "After all this time in suburbia my gaydar was still as finely tuned as Liberace's piano." "Yeah." "I know Ryan." "Why?" "I don't know." "Just seems kind of popular." "Maybe the sort of guy I should kind of get to know." " Sort of kind of, huh?" " Yeah." "Because he's "popular." Heh." "Yeah." "What's wrong with that?" " Look, Josh, you can tell me the truth." " The truth about what?" "I'm not gonna judge you I'm from New York." " I have no idea what you're talking about." " Fine, fine." "I won't ask and you don't have to tell." "You're barking up the wrong tree as far as Ryan Shay is concerned." "He is, tsk, straight as an arrow." "But his body, it's so muscular." "I know." " And that's usually a telltale sign, but..." " Oh, my God, you do know." " You can't out me." " I won't." "Nobody's ever figured it out." "Wouldn't it be better if it was out in the open?" "What?" "No." "Are you kidding?" "That would ruin me." " I wish the world was a different place." " Yeah." "Okay, so Ryan Shay's not my guy." "Is there anybody else worth checking out?" "I do have the sneaky suspicion of Dave Donsky." " School quarterback?" " Donsky." "Got it." "I'll sniff around, see what he's into." " Not a word to anyone, right?" " Right." "Thanks, Tessa." "[SIGHS]" "Gotta get out of this closet." "[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]" "I saw you and Josh talking yesterday." " You think he likes me?" " Almost." " What does that mean?" " He likes your brother." " Josh is gay?" " We never had this conversation." "Heh, that's impossible." "Josh can't be gay." "The guy who carves our meat?" "Ta-d a." "Now he's gay." "But Josh?" "Easy to spot the obvious ones." "You're forgetting about guys like Dave Donsky." "The quarterback?" "He's the most masculine guy in school." " Gay." " Not gay." " Clay Aiken gay." " Clay Aiken's not gay." " He's just a tender soul." " Lisa, he's openly gay." "He's as gay as Josh." "Who is gay." "You don't understand." "Josh is my destiny." "I know he is." "I've ordered computer renderings of what our future children will look like." "TESSA:" "Where did you obtain these photos?" "The little boy looks like a serial killer." "Who, Losh?" "He's just misunderstood." "You have to find someone else to procreate with." " Josh is playing for the other team." " Well, guess what?" "It's draft season." "And I predict Josh will switch teams." "I can turn him." "I am ballsy enough to try." "I'm sure Josh will like that quality." " You the man." "RYAN:" "No, you the man." " Hooah." "You the man, man." " Hooah." "You the man too." "DAVE:" "Cool, man." "JOSH:" "Hooah." "[WHOOPING AND GRUNTING]" " Mr. Wolfe?" "Do you have a minute?" " Absolutely." "I am just bidding on a Perfect Strangers box set and I'm all yours." "I'm not sure they really were cousins." "Who knows?" "Anyway I feel sort of embarrassed coming to you about this but I have this friend who's ashamed to be gay and refuses to come out." "Let me guess." "It's you." "No, it's a friend." "It always is." "Anyway, I thought maybe you could tell me how you handled it." "Handled what?" " Coming out." " From Indiana?" "It was no big deal." "I just packed some bags and jumped on a bus." "Oh..." " Okay." " But let's get back to your "friend."" "Right, uh..." "He seems like such a great guy and I know he'll never be happy living a lie." "It's like I always say to my GF, Heidi." ""Heidi, I love you." "I love being heterosexual with you." "If for some reason you're not feeling it just let me know so I can find another woman to be heterosexual with because I have needs."" "Sounds like you guys have a great relationship." "I just wish my friend would realize that people who don't accept you for who you are..." " ...aren't worth knowing anyway." " Totally." "Isn't she gorgeous?" "She's a Virgo." "DALLAS:" "Oh, George." " Doesn't this space just ooze potential?" " It oozes, all right." "I am finally ready to share my passion with the world." " So, what?" "Shoes?" "Purses?" " Shoes and purses?" "How shallow do you think I am?" "I'm selling paperweights." " Pa...?" "Paperweights?" " Oh, not just paperweights." "Crystal paperweights with 3D laser-etchings of your loved ones." "Look, this is me and Yakult." "See how it's like a little hologram in there?" "Here's Dalia." "And this one, ah, is you." "Oh!" "I bet your brain is just spinning thinking about all the things we can do in here." "On the ceiling." "On the floor." "[GASPS]" " Up against this wall." " Okay, Dallas, that is enough." " Beg pardon?" " Let's just talk about what we're really talking about here." "This job this whole store, it's an excuse to spend time with me." "[LAUGHS THEN GASPS]" "Well, someone's self-esteem is intact." "Oh, come on." "Laser-etched 3D crystal paperweights?" " Who the hell wants those?" " People who love the spectacular." "Oh, please." "The only thing spectacular here is the lengths you are willing to go to trying to seduce me." "So thank you very much, but I am done thinking about what we could do up against that wall." "I was talking about a display case." "[BOTH GRUNT]" "Sorry, dude." "High-five." " Lisa...?" " Don't harsh me, bro." "High-five." " Why are you dressed...?" " Dressed like a man?" "Because I am the man." "High-five." "I don't want to." "It's cool." "Heh." " Bye, Lisa." " Bye, bro." "Hey." "Tessa." "Tessa." "I just wanted to, uh, thank you for turning me on to Dave." " So things worked out?" " Heh." "Are you kidding?" "I'm gonna nail this guy, Tessa." "Today." "Today?" "Don't you wanna take things a little slower?" "Absolutely not." "He's the one." "I can't let him get away." "In fact, do you wanna watch it go down?" " Wh...?" "Where's it gonna go down?" " Right here." "In the hallway." "Right now." "COP 1:" "Police." "Freeze." "COP 2:" "Jump him." "Go, go, go" "[DAVE GRUNTS]" "JOSH:" "Narcotics, New York Police Department." "You are under arrest for the possession and sale of steroids." "You have the right to remain silent." "[DAVE GRUNTS]" "Anything you say can and will be used..." "TESSA:" "As I watched it go down I realized I shouldn't be pulling anyone over on the homosexual highway because my gaydar was clearly broken." "So how is my famous chicken parm?" " Kind of dry." " Well, yeah, that's what it's famous for." "Remember that new kid I was telling you about at school?" " The gay one?" " Turns out he wasn't so much gay as he was an undercover narcotics officer who wasn't gay." " A narc?" "Ha-ha-ha." "They still do that?" " Heh, apparently." " Wow." " I'm the idiot for thinking I understood the guy when I was completely wrong." "I can't believe I jumped to a conclusion like that." "I feel so stupid." "You're not stupid, Tess." "You're just an Altman." "DALLAS:" "On the ceiling." "On the floor." "We could do it right here." "Right up against this wall." " Uh, Dallas?" " Oh, George." "Joe, why don't you get that bid to me ASAP and I'll get back to you even ASAP-er, okay?" "Okay, fine." " Hey." "JOE:" "Hey." " So Joe seems like a good guy." " He is." "You must be shocked I'm going forward with my store considering it was just a ploy to spend time with you." "Okay, so maybe I jumped to the wrong conclusion." "I think it's hereditary." "But look, after what happened at Christmas..." "Christmas?" "Oh, of course." "The kiss?" "Yes, the kiss." "That kiss had nothing to do with you." "That was about me and Steven." " How so?" " It's no secret things aren't perfect between him and I." "I spent so much time keeping my head down just carrying out my duties as a wife, as a mother, as a size two." "Sometimes I have to remind myself to look up and think about the things that I want, and then I did and there you were standing in the wrong place at the wrong time, I guess." " I guess." " My marriage may not be perfect but, George, I'm fixing to rediscover myself." "I'm fixing to laser-engrave my own happiness into a glistening ball of crystal." "I'm a store owner, I'm an entrepreneur I'm an independent woman in the 2000-teens." "Holler!" "So, what do you think?" "The job is still yours if you want it." " I want it." " Ah, George." "I'm gonna have my lawyer draw up some contracts..." " ...just as soon as possible." " Yep." "Okay." "So that...?" "That kiss, that was about you and Steven, then?" "Yep." "Because, I mean, you know, it felt like it was about you and me." "No, it wasn't." "[CHATTERING]" " So he's not gay?" " No." "But he is married." "Okay." "So we're looking at a sister-wife situation here." "Right." "So lose the hat." "Announcement, everybody." "Announcement." "As I'm sure you've heard by now Chatswin High had its very own undercover narcotics officer snooping around the school for illegal substances." "Laxatives are not illegal." "Anyhoo, I just want everyone to remember that if someone offers you drugs of any kind, say no." "And if a stranger offers to drive you home from school, say no." "And if the cafeteria ever serves veal medallions again, say no." "Seriously, you guys..." "Oh, and one more announcement." "I'm gay." "So from this point on, I will be driving a Miata." "Please let me know if you have any questions." "Thank you so much for the encouragement, Tessa." "I can finally be open about my passion for deep V-neck T-shirts and anti-aging face creams, and ice skating in August and Stephen Sondheim, and Dieux du Stade." "TESSA:" "So Josh wasn't gay and Donsky was going to juvie." "But at least something good came out of all this." " And that something was Mr. Wolfe." " Cat on a Hot Tin Roof..." "[English" " US" " SDH]"