"(gentle music)" " Today, we are going to talk about Oney Judge." "She was a slave in the 1700s." "So, Oney lived with the Washingtons." "Mrs. Washington loved her, she was like," ""Oh my God, you're my totally fucking, like, favorite."" "They go, "Oh, Oney, guess what, we've got a great thing for you, we're going to give you as a gift to Martha Washington's daughter." "So she's like, "Okay." So she serves the Washingtons their last dinner; they don't know it's their last dinner, she's just serving them dinner." "Okay, they eat, the go to sleep, or whatever." "She sneaks off into the night." "She sails from Pennsylvania to Port Smith, New Hampshire." "Okay, Washington wakes up, she's missing." "They don't understand, I mean, I'm sure they're pissed," "I'm sure they're in denial, I'm sure in their psycho heads they're like, "What the fuck, we gave this girl the best life we could." "What the fuck?"" "I'm not making this up, but this is how much history repeats itself if you don't fucking pay attention." "They blamed the fucking French." "George Washington goes, "She didn't escape." "Oney was seduced by a French man, and convinced" "to move to New Hampshire."" "Hang on, I can't stop with the hiccups." " It's fine, keep talking." " This is separate than the interview, 'cause I want to honor her, and I'm hiccuping during it." "Okay, so here's..." "Oh my God." "So Washington says, "My slave was seduced by a French man, and I need her back."" "So, the head of customs finds Oney Judge." "He finds her, "Oh, there you are, hey, Oney." "You were seduced by a French man, well, we got your back, we'll get you back to the Washington's in Philly."" "She's like, "That never happened," "I was not seduced by a French man."" "I'm sorry, I'm hiccuping." "The customs guy goes to Washington, "We got Oney." "She was not seduced by a French man, she said" "'I have tasted a truth and a freedom that is so real, and you know, I don't know the whole words, but, I've tasted a truth and a freedom, blah blah blah, that you can't give to me, I'm not coming back."" "Oh my God, Washington, humiliated, up in arms, I can't imagine." "So now, by this time, Oney is totally free." "(hiccuping)" "That is separate than this story, right?" "Okay, Oney is totally free, 1783." "She's married by now, by the way, had kids, and Washington is like, "Hey, I'm going to make the Fugitive Slave Act, meaning if any of my slaves got a clue, their kids belong to me." "If I can go find them, their kids are mine."" "Can you fucking imagine that?" "She writes to the president, because she has his address, because she used to live there, dear president Bush..." "President Washington." "But here's the thing," "I'm not so fucked up for thinking that it's Bush," "I'm not so fucked up, it's the same shit." ""Dear Mr. Washington, I understand that because" "I'm a fugitive, my kids are fugitive slaves." "Because I love my kids so much, I will be your slave again, just leave my fucking kids alone." "Leave my kids alone, I will come back to you as a slave on the condition that when you and your goddamn wife die," "you will let me and my kids be free."" "In Washington's fucked up wooden-teeth white-haired powdered wig goddamn fucking male chauvinist world, this fucking ass is like, "No, dear Oney," "that wouldn't be appropriate, that wouldn't be the law."" "Or whatever his fake law was." "So she lived in exile." "She lived in the woods." "She had three kids, they didn't have food, they didn't have shelter, but in 1828, a month before her death, one of the newspapers interviewed her and said, "Do you regret what you did?"" "And she said, "I have no regrets, because my freedom does not come from the government, my freedom comes from God, and I've been free for 30 years."" "Beautiful, beautiful." "Fucking, all these people:" "George Washington "I didn't chop down a cherry tree" or "I have wooden teeth and I cannot tell a lie." Oh, you can tell a lie." "And you fucking did, you dumb fuck." "(uplifting music)" "You guys, I'm really embarrassed that I was like "see ya", and then I walked down the hall puking into a plate."