"Hey, everybody, I'm home." " And I've got presents." " Yes!" "Awesome." " Hi, dad." " Daddy, we missed you." "I love you, presents." "I mean dad!" "Okay, so I'm doing an extermination job over at Loony Larry's electronics." "He was infested with termites, rats and great deals!" "Because he's loony!" "Okay, for P.J." " For Teddy." " Smart phones, awesome!" " Thank you so much." " Where's my smart phone?" "P.J.'s holding it." "You're gonna get it in about four years." "But for you I got a remote-control helicopter!" " This is cool." " ..." "That we put together ourselves." " Ruined it." " What?" "I thought this would be a fun father-son project." "Okay, why don't you put it together with your father" "And give me a call." "And I even got" "A little something for Charlie." "* I'm a happy happy horse * * happy happy happy horse *" "* I'm a happy happy horse * * happy happy happy horse *" "* I'm a happy happy horse... *" " That's gonna get old." " I think it just did." "I love my new phone so much." "See, it surfs the web, it takes video, plays music." "We're just so happy together." "Man, the last present my dad got for me was a book..." "Called "fun with science." and guess what?" "The title was a lie." "Oh, hey, you want to check out" "The trailer for the new vampire movie "Dusk"?" "Oh, you know I do." "Those vampires are so cute." "There must be something about being undead that gives you rock-hard abs." "Oh, hey, we should go to the first show." "Which is..." "Oh, Thursday at midnight." "My mom would never let me out that late on a school night." "Just do what I do..." "tell your mom how cool she is." "Then you get whatever you want." "That really works?" "How do you think I got that leather skirt I can't sit down in?" "I don't know." "I mean, I'm not a very good liar." " That scarf looks really great on you." " Doesn't it?" "Yeah, I could totally pull this off." "I hope we end up being lab partners, dude." " I don't." " What's that supposed to mean?" "Don't make me say it." " Oh, yes, I got walter!" " Oh, great." "You get the president of the science club," "And I'm stuck with this dumb Lug van Brundt." " What did you just say?" " I said..." "I'd..." "I'd love to give a hug to van Brundt." "Don't!" "Okay..." "Lab partner buddy." "My phone number." "Call me when it's done." " You got it, big guy." " Don't call me big guy." "Very sorry." "Hey, great news..." "we're partners." "Yeah, there's no need for us to get together." "I'll do the project and put both of our names on it." "Oh, I love you, man!" "Hey, whatcha doing, mom?" "Oh, just going through the spices, tossing out the old ones." "Oh, that is so cool." " It is?" " Well, maybe it's just the way you do it." "Well, I do have a system." "It's alphabetical." "Okay, cardamom comes before cinnamon which comes before coriander." "Whoa, I could listen to you talk about spices all day." " Then we go onto dill..." " Okay." "Then it kind of jumps around to fennel." "But instead, how about we talk about clothes?" "Like that awesome new top you're wearing." "You like this?" "Honey, I've had it forever." "And I especially love that splash of color on your shoulder." "What, that?" "I think that's Charlie's puke." "Let's talk about your shoes." "Hello?" "Oh, hey, Ivy." "You want me to come over?" "Oh no, sorry." "I'd rather hang out with my mom." "Okay, talk to you later." "Bye." "Are you sick?" "Are you gonna puke on me too?" "No, why?" "You'd rqther hang out with me than Ivy?" "Mom, does cinnamon come before coriander?" "That is the sweetest thing you have ever said to me." "My little wooskie." "* I'm a happy happy horse * * happy happy happy horse * * happy happy happy horse... *" "Yeah, sounds like happy horse needs some new batteries." "No!" "I can't get that stupid song out of my head." "All right, all right." "You know what?" "Let's build us a helicopter." "And the fun begins" "With the instruction manual." "Dad, do we have to?" "Yes, we have to." "Oh!" "You know what?" "We should start with the "before you begin" pamphlet." "Oh, and there's a dvd!" "Which we will watch" "After the pamphlet and the instruction manual." "Dad, how long is this gonna take?" "Oh, not long." "Oh, hey,ook at this!" "Oooh, a "before you watch the dvd" card." "If there's anything better" "Than a homemade facial with my "bmf," I haven't heard of it." " B.M.F.?" " Best mom forever." "Oh my gosh!" "I would be smiling, but my face is going to crack." "What's going on?" "Oh, just a couple girlfriends hanging out." "What, is Ivy here?" "No, I'm talking about me and mom." "We've been hanging out all afternoon." "We went to the mall." "We went shopping." "Then we did some other stuff I can't tell you about." " Yeah, well, I didn't ask." " That's good 'cause we're not gonna tell you." "Yeah, I'm gonna be in the other room." "Oh, dad, I actually need to ask you guys about something." "Is it okay if Ivy and I go to a midnight movie on Thursday?" "Thursday?" "No way, it's a school night." "Bob, honey, you don't understand, okay?" "This isn't just any movie." "This is "Dusk."" " What's that?" " Hello!" "The movie about the vampires." "The prequel to "Dawn."" "So lame!" "All right, you know what?" "You wanna let her go, let her go." " Okay!" "Thank you, daddy." "Thank you, girlfriend." " Teddy." "* Call me!" "*" "What's that in your hair?" "It's called glitter." "Get with it, grandpa." "Emmett!" "Thank you." "I can't believe I have to do this whole chemistry project by myself." " Stupid van Brundt!" " Hey, don't call him stupid." "That's an insult to stupid people everywhere." "That idiot can't even count to 10," "Which, coincidentally, is the number of years he's going to be in high school." "Guess that's my phone." "Oh, that's weird." "It says I have a call in progress." "You probably sat on it and butt-dialed someone." "Hello?" "Nobody there." " Must have gotten voicemail." " Who'd you dial?" "Van Brundt." "Van Brundt!" "He's gonna hear everything we just said about him!" "You mean he's going to hear everything you just said about him." " We were both talking about him, Emmett." " Stop saying my name!" " And hang up the phone!" " Yes!" " Hey!" " Hey." "So did my evil plan work?" "Did you butter up your mom?" "Like popcorn at a midnight movie!" "What was that?" "Oh, it's just my phone." "It's always making weird noises." "So how'd you do it?" "Oh, it was so painful." "I had to spend the whole day with her pretending she was cool." "Longest day of my life." "But it was all worth it" "Because we're going to see "Dusk"!" ""When the sun goes down, his fangs come out."" "And his shirt comes off!" "It was all just a big trick so Teddy could get permission to see that vampire movie." "Bob, she thinks I'm just as uncool as I thought my mom was." "It's the great uncool circle of life." "Well, honey, if it helps, I think you're cool." "It doesn't." "All right, so what's the punishment going to be?" "No movie, grounded for a week?" "Too easy." "Mama's going to get even." "You know nothing good ever happens" "When you start calling yourself "mama."" "Mama doesn't care." "There he is." "Guess we should just go in there and get it over with." "Man, I hate getting beat up." " You've been beat up before?" " No, but I've heard bad things." "Hey, duncan, get in here!" "How are you doing on our project?" "Okay." " That's all you wanted to talk about?" " Oh, I'm sorry." "I love what you've done with your hair." "So..." "Heard any interesting phone messages lately?" "No, mrs." "Jeter caught me texting in class and took my phone away." " Ohh." " What?" "!" "That... that's terrible." "Don't you hate it when people just take your phone" "And put it... where exactly?" "It's in her desk." "I'm getting it back at the end of the day." "I'm tired of talking!" " Hey." " Hey." "Aren't you home from school a little early?" "We've got a helicopter to fly." "And I'm only missing P.E." "And english and math." "All right, let's get this bird in the air." " Whoa!" " How'd you do that?" " I don't know." " Is it voice-activated?" "Uh..." "Stop." "Down!" " No." " Both:" "Whoa!" "You must have put it together wrong." "No no, that's impossible." "I followed all the instructions." " Where's the remote?" " I don't know!" "Oh, dad, do something!" "I am..." "I'm making a run for it!" "Okay, the coast is clear." "Let's go." "Just get the phone and get out of here." "Okay, I got it." "Let's go." "Oh, jeez!" " Here you go." " What do you mean!" "?" "I don't know what to do." "Put it away." " That attitude better change, buddy." " Yes, ma'am." "What are you boys doing in here?" "We had a chemistry question." " Which is?" " Ahem..." "We were wondering..." "What's boron made of." "Boron." "Told ya!" "Well, I stand corrected." "Can I have my phone now?" "Here you go." "Wait a minute..." "where's my phone?" "George, can I make a quick call on your phone?" "Please?" "Thank you." " Whoops." " What's wrong with you?" "I guess" "I'm the "boron" now." " You owe me a phone!" " Gladly." " Okay, P.J., let's go." " Wait." "Is that my phone ringing in your pants?" "Hello?" "Hold on." "It's for you." "I can't believe we're here!" "This is like a dream." "A dream where we get to flirt with cute guys," "Watch a movie about cute guys" "While sitting next to cute guys." "The midnight showing of "Dusk" is sold out." "Oh no." " What?" " Look!" " Hey, girlfriend!" " Hey hey." "What are you doing here?" "What am I doing?" "I'm hanging out with my "bfd,"" "My best friend daughter." "Right?" "'cause that's what all the cool moms do, right, Mary Lou?" "All night long!" "Whoo, Ivy!" "Isn't that randall, the boy you think is soooo cute?" " Mom, keep your voice down." " Hey, randall," "This is my daughter Ivy." "She's single and loves to mingle." "Mary Lou!" "You're so cute." "Randall can't hear you." "Hey, everybody!" "I'm amy duncan, Teddy duncan's mom." "And I'm Mary Lou Wentz and this is my daughter Ivy." "We're the cool moms." "Right, Teddy?" "Hit it, Mary Lou." " I can't look." " Oh, good choice." "Because right now they're doing the usher bump." "Okay, you did not say a word the entire ride home." "Out with it." "You totally embarrassed me tonight." "Yeah, that was kind of the idea." "Look at me." "Why?" "What did I ever do to you?" "You played me, Teddy." "You don't think I'm cool at all." "Why... why would you think that?" "Because I heard you say it." " When you butt-dialed me." " I..." "Oh!" "Yeah, "oh"." "I don't know what to say, mom." "I'm sorry." "That's a start." "I should have never done that." "I feel awful." "Now I'm feeling better." "Well, do me a favor." "In the future" "When I do something stupid," "Could you just ground me like a normal mom?" "Oh, Teddy." "I think we've established I'll never be a normal mom." "Van Brundt." "Hey, what's up?" " Got a new phone." " Oh, right, how much do I owe you?" "Do you know when you get a new phone you can check your old messages?" "Well, that doesn't sound right." "I heard what you said about me." "All of it!" " Okay, what are you going to do to us?" " I'm going to let you choose." " I made a list." " Wow." "You're pretty organized for a bully." "I don't mean to correct you, but there's no "j" in gouge." "Let's go with number five." "At least it's not painful." " Two number fives, please." " Thank you." "We butt-dialed van Brundt." "I didn't say stop." "Okay, whirlybird, this is your final mission." "Take happy happy horse far far away." "Launch... three, two, one." "Yeah, it's going good." "No no." "No, whirlybird." "Look out for the power line, no!" "* I'm a happy happy horse * * happy happy happy horse *" "* I'm a happy happy horse * * happy happy happy horse *" " * I'm a happy happy horse... * * happy happy happy horse *" "* I'm a happy happy horse * * happy happy happy horse. *" "Hey, Charlie, so..." "I have a little advice for you." "If you ever want to fool a parent," "And make them think they're cool, dad is definitely the way to go." "Just ask him about his job and pretend you're interested." "Heard that." "You're grounded." "Baby monitor!" "Stupid technology." "Heard that too." "Yeah, I can't even imagine" "What kind of gadgets they'll have when you're a teenager, so..." "Good luck, Charlie." "Hey, honey." "Here we go." "Careful it's hot." "I had a little quick question to ask you." " Sure, mom, what's up?" " Okay, I want you just to be totally honest with me." "I am cooler than Mary Lou Wentz, right?" "Of course you are, mom." "Now tell me the truth." "I am cooler than amy duncan, right?" "Definitely." "Hey, sweetheart." "Yeah, I'm talking to you." "Listen, we got a problem with your brother." "Not him, the little one with the big mouth." " You just talking with Charlie?" " What?" "Never mind." "Anyway, that little stinker was trying to get rid of me." "I say we get rid of him." "'cause that would make me... * a happy happy horse * * happy happy happy horse. *" "Stupid horse." "Watch your back, kid." "* I'm a happy happy horse * * happy happy happy horse. *"