"Subtitles by demonseye" "My parents were born into the good life." "Old money, blue-blooded society sweethearts." " You hoping for a boy or a girl?" " We'll be happy with whatever we have." "Having played hosts to kings and queens and other powers that be." "They were used to gracing the pages of the society columns" "So, they welcomed the attention... on what they supposed would be the happiest day of their lives." "Hold on honey, you can do it." "Oh, my God?" "I wanna be sick!" "Oh, my God!" "But local legend had it..." "that a curse was put on the Willhern family." "When my great great great grandfather Ralph... had a fling with a lowly servant girl..." "Clara." "Who was soon eating for two." "When he told his family of his plans to marry Clara... he realized how sillly he'd been." "Clara was, after all, just a servant girl... and prone to rashes." "Sir Ralph married someone more suitable." "And Clara... fell off a cliff." "That night, Clara's mother, the town witch, showed up on the Wilhern lawn determined to give these blue bloods a taste of their own medicine." "She scattered about animal guts and commanded that the next Wilhern daughter be born with the face of a pig." "And only when one of your own kind claims this daughter as their own "till death do they part"" "will the curse be broken." "Time passed, and as luck would have it, the next five Wilhern brides... gave birth to all sons... who fathered all sons, who fathered all sons... who fathered all sons." "Finally, born to Ella and Leonard Hugh Wilhern... a daughter." "A century of worry for nothing." "Of course, what they didn't know then was that Ella hadn't actually given birth to a Wilhern." "She had given birth to... a Jones." "Which means that the first born Wilhern girl... was me." " And Penelope..." "Dear, sweet Penelope..." " Mm-hm..." "I'd... given up all hope of ever finding a woman who truly understands me." "I had given up all hope, that is... until I met you." "I knew it." " He's the one." " He just might be." "You see... like you, I felt imprisoned, most of my life..." "Really?" "By what?" " Your good looks and your good name?" " Yes, exactly." "No one ever seems able to see past that." "No one." "And Penelope..." "Dear, sweet Penelope... curse or no curse, if I am more than my name and my face... then, surely, you are more than yours." "Let me in." "Oh, Penelope, let me in." "No!" "Hi." "What...?" "Help me!" "Help me!" "She's a piiig!" "She's a killer pig!" "Help me, somebody!" "Help!" "Why, Penelope?" "Why?" "I'm not the one who ran, mother." "Well, of course they run, dear, when you spring yourself at them like that." "Do you think I showed your father my mole on our third date?" "No, dear." "No." "I had the good sense to wait until after we were married." "I didn't show him my mole, mother." "I showed him... my face." "Mom." "Oh, sweetheart..." "He really liked you." "No, mom, he really didn't." "No!" "He didn't like your nose, that's what he didn't like." "You're not your nose." "But, it... it is my nose." "No!" "It's your great great great grandfather's nose." "On your father's side." "He did this to you... to us." "But you are not your nose." "You are not you." "You're-you're... somebody else inside, just waiting to come out." "I had been reminded over the years that I was not the only victim of the curse." "For starters, along with my birth came the knowledge of aunt Ella's affair." "Damn you, Ella!" "Even so, no one suffered more... than my mother." " These things happen all the time." " To who?" "Did you know some children are born with gills?" "Gills, sweetheart, like on a fish." " So, can you cut it off?" " Strangest thing..." "But the carotid artery appears to run directly through the nose." "Or... snout, as the case may be." "Making any attempt at removal unfeasible." "The, caro... caro... what's that?" "Franklin, what's he saying?" "Franklin?" "What... what's he saying?" "She would die, sweetheart." "He is saying she would die." "I'm sorry." "The snout stays." "Oh, that's not true." "My mother meant well." "She always meant well." "And always did what she thought best to protect me." "First... from reporters." "Ow, my eye!" "But with the public demanding to see the face that had caused so much trouble, my mother did what any loving mother would do." "She faked my death." "And had me cremated." "So, with the public left to mourn with my tragic passing and with me safely hidden away from the outside world," "now she need only worry about protecting me from my father, who was having trouble adapting to the new morning menu." " Why can't I have bacon?" " Because you love oatmeal." " Doesn't daddy love oatmeal?" "Yeah." " No, I love bacon." "And from the insensitivity of the new butler, Jake." "And this little piggy stayed at home..." "And this little piggy had roast beef, and..." "Oh, Jake." "Stop it." "And, occasionally, she had to protect me, even from... myself." "So, I did most of my playing in my room." "Where I made my own friends." "And learned to entertain myself." "While my mother spent her every waking hour preparing me." "Preparing me to be a suitable bride for the man who would break the curse." " Quelle heure est-il?" " Quelle heure est-il?" "Then upon my eighteenth birthday, she hired Wanda, whose dating agency catered to the best and the brightest, eligible blue bloods." "In hopes of finding one." "One of my own kind." "Who would break the curse by accepting me as I am." "Hello." "And upon their depature, they were invited back to the house." "Where they were legally gagged into secrecy." "And so it went." "And it was just a matter of time... before my mother recognized the need for certain adjustments." "Shatterproof glass..." "And sneakers for Jake." "So, you see, today..." "She's a piiiig!" "... was much like any other." "Except..." " I couldn't catch him." " Ohh, I knew it." "I always said we should make them sign the gag before they see her." " Not after." " Don't worry." "We'll catch him." "We'd better." " A snout?" " Yeah." "And fangs, you know?" "Look, I know what I saw." "All right?" "Now, are you gonna arrest her or not?" "On what grounds?" "Ugly blind date?" "If being ugly were a crime" "I'd have to arrest half the people in this city." "I know what you're thinking." "The Wilherns, nice family, right?" "That's what I thought." "And when Penelope mentioned the curse" "I thought that was just a figure of speech, yeah." "It's not a figure of speech." "And they're not nice." "I'm telling you, if I hadn't got out of there when I did, that monster..." "it would have eaten me alive." "That's it." "Put him in holding over night." "What?" "Me?" "No, you don't understand." "I've come in to report her." " Hey..." "Wasn't that a Vanderman?" " Yeah, Edward." "The guy's crazy." "That might be him..." "No." "Okay, you know what?" "Edward should have been home by now, don't you think?" "Hello, anybody?" "Will somebody call my mother?" "Rise and shine!" "Up, up, up, up, up." "Come on, dear." "We're moving." "Franklin!" "Mom..." " Up, up, up, up, up." " What?" "We're moving?" "Uh-huh." "Where is Larry Bonsa?" "Hm?" "Security." "Poor Edward." "I had no idea." "No, not that." "Hallucinations of a hideous pig..." "pig-faced girl." "You do know who they're talking about?" "Oh, I don't know." "Could be any number of women in this city." "I'm next in line for chairman of the board!" "Do you have any idea what a story like this will do to me?" "What my father is going to do to me?" "Well, that's not really my problem now." "Okay." "I'm not a delusional maniac, yeah?" "Am I?" " No." " So, either you print a retraction, or, so help me God," "I'm going to rip your guts out, one gut at a time!" "Security." "It'll be twenty five years ago all over again." "Reporters popping out of drawers." "Penelope will be exposed." "And then..." "and then what chance do we have?" " We could move to the beach." " Beach is good." " Or France?" " You could practice your French." " I could practice my French." " Mm-hm." "Merci." "Bonjour." "Je suis Penelope." "Never mind." "I overreacted." "Wanda." "Wanda!" "I demand a retraction." "You have ruined my life!" "I'm telling you, she was a pig." "A pig!" "I'm telling you she had a piggy snout on her face and I'm not mad." "Why will no one believe me?" "Wait, wait, wait, ho-ho-hold on there." "Vi-Victor..." "I believe..." "that man is with me." "I am?" " Okay." "Well, first, there's Hubert Strauss." " Good." "Who else?" " Beaux..." " Great." " Jack..." " Fine." " ...the Ripper?" " Super, who else?" "You know what?" "Why don't I just say, "Here's twelve men." "Trust me."." "Terrific." "Let's talk about the dowry." "I think we should double it." "If they can't stand the sight o' me now what makes you think they'll be able to for double?" "Oh, now, now, with that attitude..." "Oh, yeah, it's my attitude, mother." "What do you think of this guy?" "This guy's got a lot of potential." "I know he's going to look at her." "Please, look at this guy." "Do you like him?" "Oh, sweetheart." "I know, I know." "It's not my face, it's my great great great grandfather's face and... he's not me, and I'm not him and I'm not me." "And don't you forget it." "I gave my right eye for that story." "And I got back squat." "That hideous woman still gives me nightmares." "I thought you never saw her." "No, not Penelope." "Her mother." "I only caught a glimpse of the baby." "Thought my... head was playing tricks on me." "Well, thank God someone believes me anyway." "Unfortunately, my believing you isn't gonna do either one of us any good." "We're gonna need some proof..." "to clear both our names." "You think you can get back in there?" "Oh, I don't..." "I don't know." "I mean, if..." "No." " Are you sure?" "I just need one photo." " I'm not going... back in there." "All right." "Okay." "We're just gonna have to find somebody who can." "Hook them up with the agency that sent you." "No, they only see old money, blue blood types, it's part of the whole curse thing." "I don't think we're gonna find any blue bloods lining up to help us, it's not like they need the money." "No, but down and out blue bloods do." "Check." "Bet." "Read 'em and weep, losers." "Ah, crap!" "You got a Maxwell Campion playing here tonight?" "That's him there." "Poker table number five." "Hey, pal, wait up." "Do I know you?" "No, but I know you." "Did a little research." "And it seems in a few short years you managed to gamble away the fortune your family spent generations building." "Hey!" "Hear me out." "I'll make it worth your while." "You got the wrong guy." "Five thousand bucks worth your while?" "We'll need your signature on the last page." "Just your standard gag." "You don't talk, we don't talk." "Just... how ugly is this girl?" "I believe the young lady is waiting." "Wow, this guy is wasting my time." "Oh, he's here." " Hey, man." "Look, I'm sorry I-I..." " Come on, let's go." "Take off the jacket." "All right." " All right." "Ugh." "Now, I..." "Hey, you with me?" " Yeah, yeah." "All right." "The camera is in the lapel." "The rigging is in the sleeve." "Put it on." "Come on, it looks great on ya." "Now, to take a, uh, uh, a picture, you just raise either arm." " Not now." " Look, I'm sorry, man." "Yeah, I know you are." "Uh, did you have to gamble all night?" "Yeah." "I still had chips." " I'm good?" " Yeah." "Let's..." "Come on, let's go." " Oh..." " Don't worry, I'll get that." "And... you are?" "I'm Max Campion and the agency sent me." "Oh!" "Right." " Campion." " There you go... shit!" " Excuse me?" " Uh, ugh..." "Shit." "All right, dear, we've done as you asked." "They're all in the annexe." " All of them?" " All of them." "But why you wouldn't rather talk to them one at a time is... beyond me." "I told you, mother." "This way it will be easier to weed out the unlikelies." "Yeah." "Hello." "I'm Penelope." "And you must be?" "Late for tea?" "Jake!" "They're out, they're... they're running." "They've all seen her." "They've all seen her." "Well..." "Where is Max?" "Edward, do you see Max?" "I don't see Max." "He's not there." "There's no Max." " How could you?" " Just speeding things up." "Oh, now you're just gonna make a pig of yourself?" "No, that's already been done for me." "Stop it!" "That was the last of the ho-hos." "Where's your credit card?" "I'm going to the store." "No, no, no, don't you..." "No." "Hey!" "If you want more ho-hos, I'll send Jake for some." "I'm old enough to get my own." "Pick me up some cigarettes." "Penelope, just one man." "One man..." "And he'll run too." "They always run, why can't you accept that?" "For seven years I've been watching them run." "Do you have any idea how that makes me feel?" " Do you?" " I'm sorry, but... we just can't quit." "Yes, we can." "We can because... no matter how much I wannat believe there's one man who won't run away, one man who... who..." "Sweet loving angel of all things merciful." " Did he see?" " He must have." "He was there." " Who is he?" " Who cares?" "Just go!" "Yeah, go!" " No, I can't..." " Oh, go!" "Damn it." " You're still here..." " Whoa!" "Uhh, yeah." " Did you see?" " See?" " You didn't see." " I didn't?" " Did you?" " Did I what?" " Don't mess with me." " Wha...?" "I'm messing with you?" " Why are you still here?" " Still?" " Fine, then." "Why are you here?" " Look, I'm sorry." "Should I go?" "No, no." "Are you..." "a fan of George Rockham?" "Who?" "The book you've got in your jacket." "Oh, all right." "You caught that, huh?" "Well... yeah." "Yeah, it's a great book." "So, you've read it?" " Well, yeah." " Funny, I..." "I thought that was the only surviving copy." "Well..." "You know what?" "I, uh, meant to read it, but the library was always out." "And, uh..." "I saw it was a first edition and I figured it might be worth something." "So, you were stealing it?" "Yeah." "I was stealing it." "So, you're a fan of the money?" "I'm a big fan of the money." "Although, it doesn't much care for me." "Well, maybe you and the money weren't meant to be." "Hey, I wouldn't go that far." "Jinx me." "There are 326 first editions in that room." "Of those, 300 are worth over 50,000." "A dozen or so are worth over 25,000." "And I'm afraid there's only one that's valued under a hundred." "Only one, huh?" "A little novel, written by a little nobody, that never amounted to anything." "You don't say." "Under a hundred..." "I'm afraid so." " And I'm afraid that means that it's time..." " But it's your favourite, just the same." "What?" "I said, "your favourite just the same"." "I heard you." "Top shelf, third from the left..." ""Moby Dick"." "It's a first edition." "But wait till I'm gone or they'll see you." "See me?" "What?" "Hello?" "Hello!" "Gotcha!" "No?" "Penelope?" "Penelope..." "Will you be back tomorrow?" "I knew it." "I knew you were there." "Yeah." " He'll be back." " He will." "Hey." " So?" " I didn't get it." "How could you not get it, half the men in this city..." "Relax." "I'm coming back tomorrow." "Ow!" "Door." "You better." "See you tomorrow." "Better." "Sweetheart?" "What's wrong?" "I thought he just knew, but... it says it right here." "Still, he chose it." "Of the 2,000 books that aren't your favourite, he chose the one that is." "All right." "All right." "Do you play?" "I wish you'd stop doing that." " Do you play?" " The frog?" "No, no, although I always meant to pick it up." "But you do play something." " What makes you say that?" " What do you play?" "Guess." " I-is this really necessary?" " She's finding his instrument." "Isn't that something a man should do for himself?" "And a one, and a two, and a one." "Are you even playing that?" "Okay." "Okay, it's not the bass." "No?" "No?" " Try the drums." " All right." "The drums, you play drums." "Okay." "Okay, okay, no, no, no." "No more drums." "No?" "Not the drums, it's not the drums." "Um..." "Saxophone, saxophone!" "You want sax?" "One... two... one, two." "Enough!" "Stop!" "Stop, stop!" " Enough." " No?" " No." " All right." "Play the guitar." "The guitar." "Guitar." "It's gotta be the guitar." "I don't think that's how you play the guitar." "Okay, stop, stop." "Stop!" "Please, stop, stop!" "Yeah." "Oh, my." "That, uh, that was..." "that was terrible." "Everybody wave to Penelope and take a bow." "All right?" "And bow." "I know, I know, you guys, you were fantastic." "Come here." " Thank you so much for everything." " Wait, wait." "I'm not done guessing." "Come on, enough about me." "What do you play?" "You wanna be a hortomacultural wh... what?" "A horticulturalist." " You know, someone who works with plants." " Right." "Why is that funny?" "No, plants are great." "I just thought o' you as like a..." "like a cop." "You know, seeing as you got the whole interrogation thing down." "Shut up." "It's your move." "All right, um..." " Oh, you really don't wanna do that." " Why not?" " Because I'll kill 'er." " What if I asked you not to?" "I'd still kill 'er." "You'd sort of be begging me to." "So... beer." "You've never had a beer?" " I've had a beer." " On tap?" " No, not on tap." " Well, then you've never had a beer." " Your knight can't do that." " My knight?" " The horse." " All right." "Hey." "How about you and me heading down to the Cloverdilly pub right now?" " The Cloverdilly pub?" " Yeah." "Best beer, best blues, some of the best beer bums in town." "Thanks, maybe later." "Penelope, come on." "Come on, you gotta get outta there sometime." "Right?" "What are you waiting for?" "You know, truth is..." "you're... you're not missing much." "Really?" "The Cloverdilly pub sounds fun." "Yeah, but... aside from that." "And the street fairs?" "I hear they sell really cool stuff right on the street." "You know, vendors themselves are pretty cool too." " And the park?" " The park is great." "I used to spend every weekend there" " ... people watching..." " Used to?" "You don't do that anymore?" "N-no." "What are you doing instead?" "Well... beating you at chess." "I warned you I'd kill 'er." "Well, that's great because, you know what, as soon as my guys have seen what you've done..." "The game will be over." "Your queen will be dead." "Well, my king's still pretty active... you know?" "Once the queen's dead, the king's useless." " What's that about?" " I don't know." "Maybe he's too depressed to fight." "He really loved her, you know?" "Yeah, I can see that." "My queen to yours, checkmate." "You got me." "Man, what is this guy doin'?" "Wastin' all my film." "He's doing it on purpose." "He's going for the dowry." "I wish I could find a girl with a dowry." "Gimme a break." "Why else would it be taking you so long?" "She revealed herself to me straight away." "You know what?" "I guess she liked you more." "Why settle for five thousand when you could get ten times that, right?" "Maybe you're forgetting." "I've seen her." "She is grotesque." "Shut him up." "I'm talking unkissable ugly." "Nightmare ugly." "Puke..." "Listen, you little worm." "I know your kind." "Spoiled rotten mama's boy with nothing..." "God!" "He licked me." " Edward!" " What?" " Don't lick Max." " Sorry." "Listen." "You can't blame us for being a little suspicious." " Fine, find someone else." " Fine, give us back the money." "It's starting." "It's starting!" "Would you come on!" "Okay, I've got it." "Piano." "You play the piano." "I bet my life on it." "All right, keep in mind:" ""Never bet a better"." "Does he have another jacket?" "And a one, and a two and a one..." "No, it's B flat." "B flat on the right hand." "No, right hand." "You see, the left hand stays, and the right hand plays the chord." " You see?" " Yeah, yeah." "It's better." "Shit!" " I'm a monster." " No." "No, you're not." "Penelope!" "No!" "Penelope!" "Stay with Max." "Darling, do not..." "Please, do not..." "I told you." "I told you." "No, you ran." "It was you this time." "He said "shit"." " Big shit." " He said "shit" to me twice." "And he just stood there, staring at me." "No one's ever just stood there before." "If you give the poor boy a chance to adjust..." "I mean, put yourself in..." " What are you doing?" " What?" " I told you to stay with him." " You did?" "I didn't hear you." " When you said, "stay with Max"..." " I meant, "stay with Max"." "You never said, "Wanda, stay with him"." " I told you!" " I'm sorry." "I didn't hear you." "Mom?" "Don't worry, dear." "He couldn't have gone far." " Did you get it?" " Yeah." "Yeah, I got it." "Hey, I-I needed that photo." "She's not what Edward said she was." "You just leave her alone." "Lemon?" " Who is that?" " Lock the gate!" "No... don't-don't shut the gate!" "I got him, I got him." " Penelope!" " Max?" "Whoa!" "Penelope, there's something I have to tell you." "No, he's a spy." " No... yes." " Yes, he's a spy." "He's working for Lemon." "The reporter who forced me to bury you." "You said I was cremated." "That too." "I hope you were well paid, because you've just said goodbye to a fortune." "Wait!" "He's still one of your own kind." "He could still break the curse..." "Max." "I know... this face repulses you... and I wouldn't..." "I wouldn't dream of asking you to accept it." " No, no, no, Penelope..." " But, this isn't me." "The real me is... inside here somewhere just waiting to get out." "And you can make that happen." "Once the curse is broken, I'll be just like anybody else." "What if you're not?" "What if the curse isn't broken?" "What if... what if the curse can never be broken?" "Then I'll kill myself." "I promise." "I promise I will." "Marry me, Max." "Marry me." "I can't." "Get out!" " I'm..." " Get out!" "Out!" "Out!" "Okay." "This is what we're gonna do..." "I felt the rush of a thousand heartbreaks." "This is nothing we haven't been through before." "Penelope!" "We can do it again." "I will never give up, sweetheart." "Never, Penelope!" "Never, Penelope!" "And I knew with all my heart..." "Never!" "... she meant it." "We have both always known there was no guarantee." "We have not both always known that there was no guarantee." "We have spent so much time preparing her for the day things would be different, we've never prepared her for the day that they're not." "Maybe we should stop all this... match-making... give 'er a puppy." "Hm?" "Sweetheart?" "Penelope, is that you?" "Yes, mother." "I'm just going to make some cocoa." "Okay." "A puppy." "What can I say?" "I'm sorry you got stuck with me." "I'm sorry I dragged you down with me." "I know, I'm the bad blood." "I am the Wilhern." "You don't think I know that?" "The curse is on me." "I am the curse." "Me!" " It's me, it's me." "I, me, me, me, me!" " Honey." "Honey!" "I think your father could use some cocoa too." "Okay, mother." "Actually, I might have a cup too." "Penelope?" "Penelope!" "She's escaped." " Let's go!" " Lord, she's gonna be coming after me." "Edward, you gotta get control of yourself." "Quick!" " What are you doing?" " We need help." "Yes, I'd like to report my daughter missing." "Are you out of your mind?" "What if they find 'er?" "For crying out loud, Jessica!" "Okay." "You know what?" "I can't hold it any longer." "Come with me!" "I've to pee and I can't leave you alone with the phones." "You know, there... there was a time when I might have jumped at such an invitation, but right now I can't." "Hello." " Mom?" " Hold the line, please." "Mom!" " Collect call from Penelope..." " Yes, we'll accept." " Mom!" " Go ahead with your call, please." "Hello..." "Penelope, what the hell were you thinking?" "!" " Did anyone see you yet?" " No, mom, no." "Good, good." "Where are you?" "We'll come and get you." "I'm just calling to say that..." "I love you, and..." " ... goodbye." " Penelope, don't!" "At least we know she's all right." " Don't you have to pee or something?" " No, dear." "That was you." "That's all right." "Thanks very much." "I can check you in over here." "Hi..." "Um..." " Can I have a room, please?" " Shouldn't be a problem." " Room 8 is available." " Thank you." "You don't want the room?" "No, I-I-I want the room." "Then would you mind coming back here so I can check you in?" "Thank you." "And how will you be paying for your room?" "Thank you..." "Jessica." "Okay, that's it for me, folks." "New dealer coming in." "Umm..." "Nostrils are bigger." "More... more piggy." "Hey, hey." "Guys, guys, come on." "Come on." "We gotta wrap this up." "I got a deadline here." "We gotta go to print." " Crosser..." " Freakin' Mona Lisa, come on..." " Your morning paper, madam." " Oh!" "Thanks, Jake." "Holy Magda!" " Damn it, Edward!" " Dad, they all think I'm crazy." "And this helps you?" "How?" "You told me..." "I thought this would prove..." "Try to remember I'm your son." "That's exactly what I'm trying to forget." "Thank you, ma'am." "Gentlemen..." "So, how's everybody doing this fine day?" " I thought you went home." " I did." "Slept for eight blissful hours, fixed the kids breakfast, kissed the wife goodbye, and, uh, according to the button, it's your blind." "You wanna take your blind?" " Are you in or out?" " Hey, he still got chips." "He's in." "Give him some time." "He's in." "He'll come around." "Yeah, I'll take another." "Make it a large one." "Hey, he still got chips." "He's in." "For starters, I'm going to need a recent photograph." "No photographs." " None whatsoever?" " No." "The, uh... fire got them." "Okay, a... detailed description." " Brown hair." " Mm-hm." " Brown hair." "Uh-huh." "Brown eyes...." " Mm-hm." "A unique..." "ly pleasant personality." "Think pig." " So, she's a fat girl?" " Not exactly." "Jessica!" "Not in front of company." "Ugh!" "Don't be silly." "He knows I didn't mean it." "That's not true, madam." "I may not have said anything, but I was... filing it away." "So, she's not exactly fat?" "Does any of this really matter?" "Just go find her!" "Our daughter's out there somewhere... lost and afraid..." "You haven't given me anything to go on, no photographs, no friends, no job, no hangouts..." "It's something like this, but minus the fangs." " Franklin!" " Do you wanna find 'er or not?" "Minus the fangs." "They're certainly eye-grabbing." "Jake, purse." "Okay, you know what?" "Never mind." "How much do we owe you?" "Where's my...?" "Who took my wallet?" "!" "It's our daughter." "Please help us." " Please, I'm begging you." " What he's trying to say is, give us the key now!" "I'm sorry, but..." "The room is registered in my name with my card." "Who's the guest?" "Me." "That makes me the guest." "You two go on ahead." "Not real big on the fang thing." "Well, at least we know she's not starving." "No, not-not... not just..." "not just... not just any pig." "Okay." "Okay." "Yeah." "You need to stop talking now." "Hello?" "Yeah, that's right..." "Penelope?" "Who is this?" "That was Penelope..." "on the... on the..." "Sell her own picture?" "Uh... then why did you hang up?" "Edward, what's-what's wrong with you?" "Did you ever...?" " No..." " Okay." " How did you know it was me?" " Just a lucky guess." " You have something you wanna sell us?" " That's right." "May I ask why you are doing this?" "What do you care?" "You're getting a freak." "Hey, no... nbody said anything about a freak." " Listen, do you want it or not?" " Sure." "Yes." "Yes, I...." "Yes, I do." "Thank you." "Uh..." "Okay." "Okay." "Okay." "Okay." "Okay." "Okay." " Look, grandma, a pig!" " How nice." "Fangs?" "There are no fangs." "Well..." "She must just... suck them back into her skull or something." "Edward..." "You know, I've been thinkin'." "I-I know and... you know." "Maybe that's enough." "Lemon..." "Half the people in this city think I'm crazy." "I've got to prove to them that I'm not." "I'm sorry." "I've gotta do it." "Ladies and gentlemen..." "I give you the pig-faced girl." "You see?" "I'm not crazy." "Am I crazy?" "You, am I crazy?" "I'm not crazy." "You weren't kidding!" "Can I get you somethin'?" "Can I have a beer on tap, please?" "Sure." "You can have this one." "Comin' right up." " You're supposed to catch it." " Oh, sorry." "You ready now?" " There you go." " Thank you." "Is there a problem?" " Do you have any straws?" " Sure." "There you go." "That's half o' what you gave me." "You'll get the rest back when I'm ready." " Let's just... call it even." " No, let's not." " She's not some freakin' pay day." " She sold me the photo herself." "Yeah." "Apparently, she's..." "out there on her own, declaring her independence." " Hey, there, Jack." " Annie!" "Lucky you." "Last delivery of the day." " How are you doin'?" " Sure you really wanna know or you're just askin'?" "I'm just askin'." "So, I'm drivin' my Vespa, and this guy comes outta nowhere and hits me." "I go flyin'." "I'm in the street and he stands over me and he's like," ""I'm sorry." "I'm sorry, I didn't see you."" "How can he not see me, you know?" "I'm on a Vespa with wings." "I mean, right, you can see me." "You can see me, right?" " What?" " Yes." "See?" "She can see me." "You ought to sic Billy on 'im." "Yeah..." "It's a little too late." "You gotta sign here." " Billy moved back to the burbs." " Yeah?" "Sorry to hear it." "Yeah, we had no business being together." "He was a picket fence kinda guy, you know?" "I'm like, what guy looks at me and thinks picket fence." "Unless he's crazy, and I'm done dating crazy, you know?" "Done." " Unless it's meant to be." "Right?" " Yeah." "Right." " Right?" " Right." "I can't hear you over that thing on your face." " The usual." "On the house." " Thanks, Jack." "You're the best." "Cheers." "So, what, are you hiding from the law, or is that a bad nose job or somethin'?" "Mm-hm." "Bad nose job." "Do you mind me askin' how much, uh, that might cost somebody, like, a nose job?" " Oh, nothin'." " Free?" "Mm-hm." "I was just thinkin' maybe I, uh,... maybe I could be gettin' a little work done myself." "A nose job?" "Yeah, kind of, but for, like, uh, for my ears." "You know?" "They kinda stick out up here a little on the top." "I mean, I'm no Penelope, but..." "No, you have beautiful ears." "Beautiful." " They're beautiful." " What, are you drunk?" " I'm drunk." " Hmm." "Hey, Jack, how 'bout another round for my pal Scarfy here?" "Comin' up." "What's a Vespa?" "What's a Ve...?" "You've never ridden on a Vespa?" " Hey, Sam, long time no see." " Wow, look who's back." "Look, uh..." "have you seen the guys around?" "They're touring, opening for some band who's supposed to be good." "No kiddin'?" "That's..." "that's great." " What brings you back 'ere?" " Ah, you know..." "looking' around." "Actually, I thought it was maybe time I started playin' again?" "Yeah?" "Well, good luck with that, eh..." "Yeah." "Look." "Come on, Sam." "I wouldn't even ask if..." "You are joking', ain't you?" "After all your no-shows?" "I only look stupid." "Look." "I messed up." "I know and I'm sorry." "Let's just say I didn't appreciate a good thing when I had it." "Oh, and now you do?" "Now I do." " Still got your scarf on." " Yeah." "All right, hop on." "All right, I gotta go down the street." "Oi, Mozart!" "Yeah." "Listen, I'm sorry." "It won't happen again." "Don't muck about." "You can take all your face off, you know?" "My brother once was, like... he-he was just riding his bicycle, and, you know, and he hit this, like, parked car, and he was so freaked out about seein' his teeth in the hood," "and, like, his whole face was bleeding." "And he got back on the bicycle and he went to a movie..." "Look." "Helleborus orientalis." "They're amazing." "They bloom even in the winter." "Oh, that's cool." "They just... pop up without any help from anyone." "That's like my ex-boyfriend, if you know what I mean." "Oh, yeah." " You know what I mean, right?" " Yeah." "Really?" "You don't get out much, do you?" "We should talk." " Another postcard." " I don't care." " What's it say?" " Went ice skating." "Stop." "I don't care." " Circus." " It's been months." "Zoo..." "How could she be doing all these things without being seen?" "She can't!" "That's how." "Oh, honey, what are we gonna do?" "That's her scarf!" " Look!" " Penelope!" "Penelope!" "No, she went that..." "Oh, great, you're here." "It's your turn to buy." "All right, I lied." "I'll buy." "Oh, my God!" "Somebody pull this scarf off her." "She can't breathe." "No!" "No!" "Hey..." "Penelope..." "They're not running." "Ah!" "No!" "Penelope, no!" "No, no, no, dear!" "Turn away!" "There she is!" "Penelope, this way!" "This way, Penelope!" "Penelope!" "Penelope!" "Is it true you were chained up in the basement?" "Don't encourage them." " Do you have any other pig parts?" " No!" "With such a large nose, do you smell better than the rest of us?" "I don't know." "You tell me." " Penelope!" " Annie!" "Mom, can I borrow some money?" "I'm running low." "Absolutely not." "You get in that car." "Mom, they want to know if you chained me up in the basement." "All right, after three weeks, I was, like, I knew something was up." "Nose jobs only take so long, you know." "No." "Course... not." " Bye, darling." " Bye." "Let it go, dear." "Penelope, is there anything you'd like to say to the public?" "Uhh... hi?" "Mr. Vanderman!" "Is it true you attempted to file assault charges against Penelope?" "I've obtained the police report." "No comment, please, ladies and gentlemen." "No comment." "I can handle it." "That woman, that thing..." "belongs in a cage." " What a creep." " Excuse me." " Have you lost your mind?" " You saw her." "She's a complete monster." " The public loves this girl." " They don't know her like I do." "We're a publicly traded company." "We love what the public loves." "Get it?" " So, what are you saying?" " I'm saying you gotta fix this." " I don't know what you expect me to do." " Just fix it!" "Come on, Penelope, you're on my team!" "Okay, but I'm not very good." "Penelope!" "Penelope!" "Penelope!" "Penelope!" "Come on, come on, come on." "I told you I wasn't very good." " Hi." " Hi." "Wow!" "You really did it, huh?" "I mean, uh..." "I mean, uh..." "You look great..." "you know, really happy." " Thanks." " Yeah." "You know, you inspired me." "Doin' what you did, goin' off on your own like that." "I, uh..." "I'm not..." " I have to go." " Yeah, sure." "I, uh..." "I ju..." " Penelope." " Penelope." "Oh, darling, I am so glad I found you!" "You must come home right now!" "I have the most... wonderful surprise." " Okay, mom, but I really should get back." " Penelope." "What is this?" "Listen, I'm... sorry I ran... from my feelings." "Oh, is that what you were running from?" "I was... certain you were running from me." " Only my feelings for you." " Is this a joke?" "Penelope, don't make the boy beg." "Look at that face." "He can break the curse." "But things are different now, mother." "I..." "She's overwhelmed." "Why?" "Because you're splattered all over the newspapers?" "No, because I have friends." "Those aren't friends, dear." "Those are fans." ""Did you hear?" "The pig speaks ten languages."" ""Oh, look, the pig can play the piano."" "You're just a talking pig to those people." "A talking pig." "Edward... wants to marry you." "Are you prepared to walk away from your one and only chance?" "Our one and only chance at a normal life?" "Will you marry me..." "Penelope?" " Hey, Lemon." " Yeah?" "I, uh, I thought you might be able to help me with this..." "Max Campion story I'm doing." "Well, what's the story?" "I..." "I'm doing this kind of riches to rags to armed robbery story." "Armed robbery?" "Come on." "Max Campion?" "Yeah." "I just got the call." "He's already confessed." "What?" "Pick it up." "You the lawyer my mother sent?" "There's been a mistake." "I'm here to see Max Campion." "Yeah, hey, I'm Max Campion." " No, you're not." " Yes, I am." "No, Max Campion." "I am not deaf." "I can hear you." "I am Max Campion." "But you're..." "O-ho-ho-kay." "Okay, okay." "Okay." "Okay." "No." "No." "What about the guy you play poker with?" "Shaggy hair, uh-uh... medium build..." " Doesn't know when to quit." " Ah!" "Uh... is Johnny Martin." " Johnny Martin?" " Johnny Martin." "Poor loser." "Get that down, Martin, in the... pirate pad there." "Okay." "Do you have...?" "Hey, don't!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Oh, that was so wonderful, just wonderful." "Was it not wonderful?" " Yes, wonderful." " Yes, it was wonderful." "We have to do this again, and you know what?" "Now that we're nearly family, I think this is just the beginning." " Yes." "I'll fetch the limo." " Good, good, good." "Can I have my coat, please?" "Oh, Franklin, we used to go out to the theatre all the time." "Why did we stop?" "I guess because we had an ugly daughter." "It's true, Jessica." "We gave up everything... because we had an ugly daughter." "Let me help you with that, sir." "Thank you." " It's just over there." " Okay, we're going." "But... my coat!" " Why, we'll get you another one." " Edward, what are you doing?" " Where are we going?" " Hi." " Max." " Hello, Penelope." "We were just leaving." " Hey, how are things, Edward?" " Keep walking." "I understand it got a bit grotesque there for a while, even puke ugly." " Wait." "You two know each other?" " As a matter of fact, we do." "Yale." "Wasn't it?" "No, I believe it was a Bedford, a Bedford van to be..." "Stop!" "Haven't you hurt her enough?" " Bathroom." "Now." " Edward, I..." "Penelope..." "Why don't you let Edward handle this?" "But, mother..." " You make me sick!" " Why?" "I'm giving her exactly what she wants." "Aren't I?" "And I don't see anybody else lining up to do that." " Unless... unless you are." "Are you lining up?" " That's not the point." "Yeah, it is." " It's not the point!" " Yes, it is the point!" "Look." "If you want to go out there and tell her that the only man willing to stand up and say "I do"" "still gags at the thought of kissing her... then be my guest." "But it's not me you'll be hurting." "It's her... isn't it?" "Johnny Martin." "Son of a plumber, huh?" "It sure took you long enough." "Boy, you sure fooled me." "So..." "Looks like you were doing her a favour after all." " You seen this?" " Hm." "Cute couple." "Yeah." "Penelope and the beast." "Hey, they're both gettin' what they want, right?" "I know what he's gettin'." "What's she gettin'?" "Well, she's gettin' the day she's waited for all her life, breakin' the curse." "Aw, you don't actually believe that, do you?" "Well, don't you?" " No." " No?" "What the hell have you been chasin' all these years?" "I don't know." "A wounded ego and a missing eye, I guess." "Oh, come on, a curse?" "Yeah." "Who knows?" "You know, you spend enough time around a poker table, you believe all sorts of things." "It's not too late to stop Edward." "That's what she wants." "Wait." "If getting married is all it takes to break the "ooh, the curse", wh... why not you?" " You're forgetting, man." "I'm not Max." " So?" ""One of their own kind."" "Hey!" "Over here!" "I saved you a seat!" "It's clean." "Hey, Annie, look at you." " Weddings are great, aren't they?" " Yeah." "When they're somebody else's." "Yeah." " Jessica, I need a word." " Is there a problem?" " No, no, no." " Are you sure?" "And Edward seems really nice." " Mom, I think I'm going to throw up." " Just remember... in a few minutes from now, the curse will be broken." "There is no curse." "The only one cursed here is me." "For starters..." "Losing your eye was your own damn fault." " Now what?" " That's wha..." "I just wanted to apologize." "Apology not accepted." "What?" "!" "I have a wedding to go to!" "Meet Johnny Martin." " I told you not to rush the process." " This doesn't change a thing." "How can you say that?" "Not only was Edward part of..." "As you yourself once said, he's still one of our own kind." "Okay, fine." "What about Max, or Johnny, or whatever his name is?" "What about 'im?" "Don't you think Penelope's entitled to know?" "That he lied about everything?" "That he doesn't have the power to break the curse." "Why on Earth would she need to know that?" "Don't you see?" "Maybe that's the only reason he said no." "I don't know that." "You don't know that." "But if that's true, God bless 'im, he did the right thing!" "Damn it, Jessica, I can't just..." "Leave it alone." "Not that I'm not happy for her." "I'm really happy for her." " Yeah." " You're happy for her, right?" " Hey, if she's happy, I'm happy." " Right." " Mom, I feel stupid." " Oh, you don't look stupid." "You look..." "You don't look stupid." "Do you, Edward Vanderman, take Penelope Wilhern to be your lawfully wedded wife?" "To have and to hold, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health." "To love and to cherish from this day forward..." "until death do you part?" "I do." "And do you, Penelope Wilhern, take Edward Humphrey Vanderman III to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, for better or for worse for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health," "to love and to cherish from this day forward until death do you part?" "Penelope?" "No." "No!" "Nobody move!" "She's fine!" "Penelope, wait!" "Penelope!" "Stop!" "Look at me." " I am." "What is it, dear?" " No, look at me!" "I am!" "What?" "I don't understand!" "What do you mean?" "You..." "I'm sorry." "Penelope!" "It's not too late." "Go away, mother!" "Honey, just think about what you're doing." "This is the moment we have worked so hard for." "I said, go away!" "Sweetheart, please!" "Please!" "We are one yes away from a whole new life." "A whole new you!" "But I don't want a whole new me, mother!" "Sweetheart, please!" "Please!" "I like myself the way I am." "Penelope?" "It's not gonna grow back." " What makes you think I..." " I miss it too." "And then I remember you're... still you." "Penelope..." ""One of your own kind."" "I just assumed..." " No, we all did, mother." " No, dear." "No." "Don't you see?" "I could have broken the curse years ago, if I'd just done my job as your mother, and loved you as my own." "You didn't know." "You didn't know." "Oh, look." "You know, darling, with the... carotid artery out of the way..." "I think a little turn-up, right, you know, right there, might be sweet, wouldn't it?" "Look at that." "What?" "You're crazy." "Oh, it's wrong for... a-a young woman to wanna look her best?" "That's not a bad thing..." "What?" "!" "I'm being her mother." "That's what mothers do with daughters!" "They talk about how to look prettier." "Still, I felt sad for my mother that day..." "Oh, now I'm the bad guy!" "... having to cope with so many changes all at once." "It all went back to shit!" "I was packing to go, and after 25 years with the family..." "Jake, where are you goin'?" "Jake, I'm talkin' to you." "Jake?" "And why do you have that bag?" "Jake!" "Don't be rude!" "You turn around when I'm talking to you, please." "I happen to be..." "There, there, now." "There, there." "But I had my own changes to cope with..." "And, while I missed the face that had caused so much trouble... the world had moved on." "And I was determined to find my own way." "And determined to always follow my heart..." "Look!" "My daffodil bloomed!" "And I found Helleborus orientalis!" "... and my conscience." "Dear Edward, that first day in the library, you said that you too have felt imprisoned most of your life." "Looking back, I now believe you were speaking from your heart." "I fear I did you a terrible disservice that day." "I knew you would run." "I wanted you to, but... perhaps if I had taken the time to really listen to you, maybe we could have helped each other find our way." "I'm sorry." "I hope this letter and this ring finds you well." "Edward?" "Edward?" "Your father wants to know what you're doing in there." "And then came Halloween." "... start in about ten minutes, so I need you all to get your costumes on." "Okay?" "Just get changed and line up by the front door as quick as possible." " That's mine!" " Hey, hey!" "No fighting." "I can be whoever I want!" "Girls, please." "But she knew I was gonna be Penelope." "All right, girls... you're gonna have to go out with the rest of the class." "Go line up." "Come on." "Line up." "Get ready to go." "Come on." "Alice?" "Honey, what's wrong?" "Everybody's Penelope, and I'm a stupid Static Cling!" "Oh..." "Well, frankly, I find you quite refreshing." "Come on, sweetie." "Stick with me and we'll both make it through this." " Trick or treat!" " Well, hello there." "Hey, Jess!" "I think you're gonna wanna see this." "Is this too much?" "Bye." "And then Wanda couldn't hold on to the secret any longer." "Wow!" "You're everywhere." "You freakin' out or what?" " Okay. 357." " There it is." "Hold on." "What?" "It's just kinda great to see the old you." " Okay." " All right, let's go." "You can do this." "You ready?" "Hi." "Um..." "She's gotta pee." "You got a bathroom?" "I'm gonna get some punch." "No!" "Uh, yeah." "Yeah, sure." "I..." "I guess it's okay." "Come on in." "It looks like a good party." " Why aren't you at the party?" " I gotta pack." "So... are you moving?" "Uh... out-of-town job." "Felt like gettin' out of the city for a while." "Away from the crowds?" "Yeah..." "The crowds at the poker tables." " Oh, so, you're a gambler?" " Ex." "Avoiding temptation." "Well, that's good." "Good for you." "I, uh..." "I had a friend once who, um, liked to gamble." "At least, I heard he liked to gamble, and... you know, he had to stay away from all kinds of things, and..." "Take off the mask." "What?" "Sorry." "All Halloween, I've been runnin' into... well... someone I used to know." "Sorry." "Ridiculous." "This someone..." "She... meant a lot to you?" "Yes." "Yes, she did." "What happened?" "Couldn't give her what she wanted." "What did she want?" "To be free." "You shit!" "You lied to me!" "I guessed piano, and you said... that..." " Penelope..." "I'm sorry." " I know." "No." "I don't have the power to break the curse." "It's okay." "Turns out that I did." "It's me, Max." "Name's Johnny." "I know." "Johnny." "I'm still me." "So, there we were." "And we lived happily ever after." "Well... happily ever after so far at least." "I don't get it." "What does it mean?" "What do you think it means?" "Rich people suck!" "It's always the mother's fault." "We're all cursed?" "It's not the power of the curse, it's the power you give the curse." "What did you say, shrimp?" " He's not a shrimp, dummy." " He is too a shrimp!" "Hey!" "That's not nice!" "That's very good, Billy." "Okay, they're serving snacks down at the picnic tables." "Then, after break, we'll go explore, and see what you can collect." "Stay together!" "Ready?"