"SAM:" "This is great, man." "BILLY:" "Look at you." "SAM:" "This one's a riot." "SOPHIE:" "That's so cute." "ARCHIE:" "Guys, look at this." "SAM:" "That's a keeper." " That's a keeper, Pat." " Paddy, you are one ugly kid." " Hideous." " A monster." " Prick." " Asshole." "Gentlemen, such language in front of my girl?" " She's not your girl." " Pat is right." " Thank you, Pat." " Hey!" "Well, look at what we have here." "The Flatbush Four." "Or whatever stupid name you call yourselves." "Hey, where'd you jerks get the quarters for these pictures, huh?" "You stealing from my old man's till again, Sammy?" "Come on, Danny, Sam didn't steal a thing." " How would you know?" " Because I did." "How many weeks has it been since you've been paid, Sam?" "Five?" "Six." "So until he gets paid, we're gonna take everything you owe." "Nobody cheats us." "Billy, you moron, he'll kick your ass." "That's right, moron." "Unh!" "No one calls us names except for us." "This fight is gonna make us legends." "Run!" "WOMAN:" "Kick, kick, kick." "Kick, kick, kick." " I" " Kick, kick." "WOMAN:" "Kick, kick." "Side, side." " Come on." "Come on." "WOMAN:" "And step, step." " What?" " All right, just do it." " It's good for your knee." " It's good for my knees, but it's destroying my soul." "Sam, shush." "She can't hear me." "None of them can hear me." "Looking good, Gloria." "Oh, sorry, did I just step on your foot, or was that your breast?" "WOMAN:" "Row and row and row." " See?" "WOMAN:" "Now, ladies, show us what you got." "Show us what you got." "Come on, gents, you can do it too." " Ira?" " What, Sam?" "No, I was just" " Just checking." "(WOMAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)" "Now grind it, grind it, grind it." "ARCHIE (SINGING):" "You are my sunshine" "My only sunshine" "You make me happy" "When skies are gray" "You'll never know, dear" "(GROWLS)" "How much I love you" "Pop, what are you doing?" "You're not supposed to be lifting anything heavy." "Man, she got a bit of an ass on her, but I don't think that qualifies as heavy." " Okay." " Let me take care of her today." "Your only job is to relax." "We don't want another episode, do we?" "All right, I organized your medication," "I programmed the alarms on your phone, and I put the schedule on the fridge." "Okay?" "Okay." "Good." "All right." "WOMAN:" "Say bye to Grandpa." " Uh," " call me if you need anything at all." " Sure thing." " All right." "I put a hoodie in there." " Bye, Blakey!" "See you this evening, sweetie." "WOMAN:" "The sippy cup?" "EZRA:" "I hate that." "Remember Grandpa loves you!" "(DOOR CLOSES)" "VINCE (ON TV):" "Hi, it's Vince with ShamWow." "You'll be saying "Wow!" every time you use this towel." "It's like a shammy, it's like a towel, it's like a sponge." "A regular towel doesn't work wet." "This works wet or dry." "(KNOCKING ON DOOR)" "VINCE:" "This is for the house, the car, the boat, the RV." "ShamWow holds 12 times its weight in liquid." "(KNOCKING CONTINUES)" "What?" "Go away, I got a bat." "It's Elizabeth, your neighbor." "I brought you soup." "That's why I have the bat." "Hey, Mr. C. It's potato leek." "(SNIFFS)" "Yeah, I know." "Something funny happened with the leeks." " Can we just pretend again?" " I can't wait to taste your soup." " Heh." " Thank you." "You're welcome." "Wait, there's a free concert tonight in Prospect Park, and I was gonna take my grandmother, and I thought you two might, I don't know, get along okay." " Elizabeth." "Elizabeth." " She's really funny." "Listen please." "You're a pretty young lady." "I bet the boys are attracted to you as long as you don't give them anything to eat." "But I have a word of advice:" "find a man, don't let him get anywhere near your kitchen, get him married to you or your grandmother, and please just give me some peace." "It's been almost a year since Sophie died." "Find a man." "And stop bringing me soup." "(GROANS)" "BILLY:" "Are you kidding?" "That's great news." "And we're expanding our offices right with you." "We're gonna be turning a lot of heads." "I love it." "Maybe we should go public." "I'm not crazy." "I got you, Carl, you're a genius." " Honey, we're going to be late." " I know, I'm almost ready." "But you don't even have your clothes on." "Oh, because I thought I would just wear this." "(SIGHS)" " Love you." " Love you too." "No, not you, Carl." "The news is great, and before you change your mind," "I'm gonna hang up right now." "(PHONE BEEPS)" "(SIGHS)" "Ronnie, when you were feeling low, you remember what I said?" "(INHALES)" "Shit." "Ronnie, when you were feeling low you remember what I said to you." ""Ronnie, I know you're down in the dumps, but as a fellow bachelor, I know you're gonna bounce back, because you may not be smart and, uh, you may not be good-looking," "but you got one thing that every woman loves." "You have an enormous beach house."" "(ALL LAUGHING)" "And that's why, when they called me and told me that my, uh, friend, my mentor had passed away peacefully in his bed," "I said, "That's exactly how he would have wanted it."" "Except maybe with a young redhead lying on top of him." "(ALL LAUGHING)" "(YAWNS)" "You know why Ronnie died in his bed?" "Because for two years he never got out of that damn bed." "I got a beautiful, young girlfriend here, who guys half my age are drooling over." "I'd marry her before I'd give up like Ronnie." "Uh" "(CHUCKLES)" "I said it, babe." "So, what do you think?" "You want to get hitched?" "Heh." "Yes." "Sorry." "I'm sorry." "(CLATTERING)" "So sorry." "Ronnie, I'll see you in 30 years, pal." "(CORK POPS)" "We bought this toy ring at CVS on our way home yesterday." "Yeah, this is just a temporary one." "WOMAN:" "So sweet." " Until we get the real thing." " Yeah." " By which he means the biggest one." "(ALL LAUGH)" "Hello, Billy." "Hey, Neil." "Your daughter got this engagement party together pretty fast, huh?" "Yeah, she probably didn't want to waste a lot of time, considering." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Uh, excuse me one minute, please." "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "Where--?" "Where'd you get that bottle?" "Ran out of Scotch, found this in the back of that cabinet." "No, no, no." "You-- You don't want to open that." "No, no." "(PHONE RINGING)" "(WHISPERING) Hello?" "Hey, is this the bionic man?" "Hey, Billy, how you doing?" "What's going on?" " What are you whispering about?" " Oh, uh, Miriam dragged me to a hideous dinner party." "I'm, uh, just going through someone named Abraham Rosenbaum's medicine cabinet." "He's got some very deadly shit here." " Hang on, let me patch in Archie." " Okay." "(PHONE RINGING)" "WOMAN 1 (ON TV):" "all these guys?" "Are you insane?" "WOMAN 2:" "At least I have a husband." "WOMAN 1:" "Oh, whatev" " Clayton residence." " How you feeling, Arch?" "Billy, hey, hey!" "How you doing?" "I'm just sitting here watching this Housewives thing." "Horrible people, horrible." " Hey, Arch." "ARCHIE:" "Hey, Sam." " How's the titanium hip, man?" " No, the hip was last year." "Uh, it's my knee." "It's great, yeah." "I'm thinking about having my balls done next." "(ARCHIE  BILLY LAUGH)" "All right, listen, guys." "I got something important here, all right?" " Oh, shit, Billy." " Heart or cancer?" "Prostate?" "What?" "Why every time the phone rings, you think somebody's dying?" "I live in Florida now." "Usually, when the phone rings," " somebody is dying." " No, I'm getting married." " What?" " Wow." "ARCHIE:" "To that lady who's half your age?" " She's almost 32." " I have a hemorrhoid that's almost 32." "Now, look, Archie, by the time she's my age, okay, I'll be" " Dead." "You'll be dead, Billy." "SAM:" "Billy, Billy, Billy." "You've got your whole what's left of your life ahead of you." "I mean, you know." "Look at Archie." "He's divorced and miserable." "I've been married almost 40 years, and I wish I was as miserable as Archie." "Can you guys maybe give me a little support as my dearest friends?" " How about it?" " Sorry, you're right, sorry." "Yes, good" " It's good news." "We're happy you're getting married." "Right." "So--?" "So how'd you pop the question?" "You remember my friend Ronnie, the guy I worked with, uh, who trained me?" " Yeah, yeah, love that guy." " Good guy." "Yeah, well, he died." "I" "I proposed at the funeral." " I got nothing." "Arch?" " Nada." "So, Lisa, she doesn't want a big wedding or anything, so we're gonna get, uh, married in Vegas this weekend." "So we're gonna have a bachelor party in Vegas." " No, no, come on, forget it." " No, no, no, yes, we are." " We are." "ARCHIE:" "It's your first wedding." "You threw all of our bachelor parties for us." " Two for me." " Yeah, but we got no time." " We're getting married on Sunday." "ARCHIE:" "Aw, Billy." "So we" " No, it's fine." "We fly in on Friday," "Saturday we give" " We give you the best bachelor party in the history of mankind, and then on Sunday your child-bride flies in and, uh" " Voila." " Are you serious?" " Yeah." " Yeah, man." "Billy, it is 4:15 in the afternoon, and I'm at a dinner party." "If I don't get out of here soon," "I'm gonna swallow all of Abe Rosenbaum's pills at once." " What about you, Arch?" "ARCHIE:" "My son won't let me go." "I can't smoke, drink, eat salt, or stay out past 9:00, but" " Archie's in." " All right, all right!" "No, I love this." " This is great, man." "Huh?" " We're invincible, baby." " Flatbush Four, we ride again." " Uh, the Flatbush Four, yes." "Yeah, so, uh, who's gonna call Captain Sunshine?" " Billy." "BILLY:" "Uh, look, guys..." "I know he hates me now, but he's got to be there." "You know it, I know it, so, uh, do me a favor." "You guys figure it out, all right?" " I got to go now, I'm hanging up." " Uh, wait, wait, Billy, Billy." "(LINE CLICKS)" "ARCHIE:" "All right, I'll lie to my son, you tell your wife." "Okay." "So your rental car confirmation is in your bag." "And when you get to New York, just follow the directions to Archie's house." " Ah, good." " You getting excited?" "Oh, yeah, sure." "Yeah." "Bachelor party in Vegas with a bunch of old fogies." "I" " Oh, come on." " You're angry at me," " you don't want me to go." "I'll stay." " No, I'm not angry." "No, don't." "Just, uh" "Don't open it until you get to Las Vegas." " What is it?" " No, honey, just leave it until you" "Okay, or now, if you want to open it now." ""What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas"?" "A condom and a Viagra?" " Where did you get a condom?" " That's your reaction?" "I'm at the pharmacy 30 times a day, I can get a condom." "Sweetheart, you're unhappy." "It's like the light has gone out of your eyes." "And the Florida jokes, they're" " They're getting tired." "And I" " I want my guy back." "Heh, so I" " I thought, if" " If you..." "I don't want to know what you do." "Don't tell me about it, and we will never bring it up again." "You--?" "Is this some kind of trick?" "What--?" " I'm afraid to get out of the car." " Get out of the car." " Are you--?" " Get out of the car." "Okay, love you." "Love you." "Ezra!" " I thought you left for work." " I had to make some phone calls." " Are you gonna get out of bed?" " No." "Cold." "Pfft." "Cold." "Pop, it" " It's, uh, sweltering in here." " Is it?" " Yeah." "Listen, maybe I should, um, stay home today." "No." "You-- You don't have to do that." "Thing is, uh last night I peed myself." "Oh, Pop, I'm sorry." "It's just one of those things a man has to deal with, alone." "Okay, all right." "Ah-ta-ta-ta." "Open the damn trunk, Sam." "Wait, it's a rental!" "I don't know where the thing is!" "Hang on, hang on!" "There it is." "(DOOR ALERT CHIMING)" "It's Open!" " Let go of the handle." " Sam, unlock the door." "Let go of it." "Let go of the handle!" " What?" " Just step back!" "(ENGINE STARTS)" "ARCHIE:" "Go, go, go." "SAM:" "Seat belt, seat belt." " Archibald." "ARCHIE:" "Hey, Sam." "SAM:" "You look good." "ARCHIE:" "You lie good." "(SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE)" "ARCHIE:" "Yeah." "There it is." "(ARCHIE CHUCKLES)" " Let's start the gambling early." " What?" "Hundred dollars says Paddy will not come." "No, no, he's got to come." "Billy's come through for us more times than I can count." "It's our turn." " Prick!" " Ha-ha-ha!" "Asshole." " Hey." "Good to see you." " Ah." "What the hell are you doing in Brooklyn?" "I heard there was a bathrobe convention." " Have I come to the right spot?" " Don't be a smart-ass." " Come on in." " Heh, Archie's here too." "Uh, he's out in the car." "He couldn't make the" "All the flights of stairs in his condition." " Archie's here?" " Yeah." " In the car." " What's going on?" "Well, the three of us are, uh, gonna go to Las Vegas for the weekend." "Why on earth would I ever want to go to Vegas?" "For fun!" "Remember fun?" "That thing you used to have before the permanent scowl set in?" "Come on, I don't have a permanent scowl." " He said with a scowl." " I don't!" "Okay, it's not a scowl, you're just ugly." "(SCOFFS)" "Look, just throw some things in a bag." "The flight leaves in a couple of hours." "Come on!" "We're not leaving without you." "Either you come with us, or we move in." "Hold on, hold on." "You show up out of nowhere, you say we're going to Vegas." "You know what?" " This smells of Billy Gherson." " Oh, Paddy, Billy Gher--?" "This" " This has nothing to" "Billy, we want him to come, of course." "But then he-- You know, he's got a big" " important thing he has to do." " Of course." "He always has something important." "That's the problem." "It's always about him, him, him." " What's that about?" "SAM:" "That's just Billy!" " Put it behind you!" "PADDY:" "That's right, he's got more important things to do." "I have more important things to do right here." "What's with the pictures of Sophie?" "They're everywhere." "Everywhere I turn, that's all I see:" "Sophie!" "It's getting a little morbid, don't you think?" " Don't" " Don't touch those." " Oh." "PADDY:" "Jesus." "SAM:" "Okay, sorry." " I like looking at her." " Okay." "That stays there, this stays here." "Okay." "But you come with me to Vegas." "Paddy, you have got to come with us to Las Vegas." "If you think I'm leaving this apartment, you're dumber than that hat." "Say what you want to me, but leave my hat out of this, okay?" "My hat has never done a thing to you." " I'm not going to Vegas!" " Paddy!" "(WHEEZING)" "What, are you--?" "Are you nuts?" "You're gonna give yourself another stroke!" "Archie, you okay?" "(WHEEZING)" " Is he--?" " The stairs." "Paddy." "You got to come." "You got to come to Vegas with us." " Please, Paddy." " Okay." "Okay." "Okay!" "All right, I'll go!" "I'll go!" "I'm going!" "I'm going, okay?" " Great." " I got to pack." " Prick." " Asshole." "That was well done." "PADDY:" "So Billy was so busy, he couldn't spend the weekend with his three oldest friends in the world." "Typical." "Once a selfish bastard, always a selfish bastard." "Never changes." "Never, never changes." "You know, that's the thing about him, he's just the way he is." "What was so important that he couldn't spend it with us?" "So important?" "I agree with everything you've said, Paddy." "For the last four hours." "PADDY:" "Him, him, him." "He didn't even call." "You know, he" " A disappointment." "He didn't..." "He didn't even call." "All I can say is, if I ever, ever run into that son of a bitch again, that prick, I'll..." "Forget it." " He'll regret the day..." " Hey!" "Ha, ha!" "Well!" " Surprise!" "SAM:" "Hey!" "Hey, Archie, how you doing?" "Sam." "Hey!" "Ya)'. fun." "Fun!" "Hey, hey, what's that hair color?" " Hazelnut?" " Have you got more hair than you used to have?" " Oh, stop it, will you?" " You've got more hair than" "Where'd you get the extra hair?" "His ass." "Hey, look, don't be upset with them, Pat." " It wasn't their fault." " I'm going home." "Paddy, look, I'm getting married, okay?" "This is a bachelor party, I needed you here." " I'm going home." " How many times do I got to tell you I'm sorry?" "You can't say it enough, my friend." "You can't say it enough." "Every time I see you, we go through this shit." "One more word, I'm gonna knock your block off like I did in fifth grade." "All right, all right, all right." "Hey, hey, hey!" "Knock this shit off!" "The hell's the matter with you?" "Now we're here together, the four of us." "We're here to celebrate Billy marrying an infant." " She's not an infant." " Shut up, Billy!" "Archie, blood pressure?" "I need this." "Sam needs this." "And believe it or not, you two jerk-offs need it most of all." "Now, either you'll manage to be civil with each other, or so help me, I'm gonna rain holy hell down on both of you." "You understand?" " Huh?" " Yeah." "I'm gonna go find some damn water and take all my damn pills." "Then we gonna get this damn party started." "Yeah." "It's gonna be fun." "PADDY:" "Where to?" "SAM:" "Remember Binion's, where I had my bachelor party?" "(ARCHIE LAUGHS)" "SAM:" "I looked it up on the Google, they've just renovated it." " Billy, Miriam gave me a condom..." "PADDY:" "He won't shut up about it." "SAM:" "I won't shut up?" "BILLY:" "You sound like 6 year olds." "SAM:" "Billy, now that you've got ass-hair on your head, do you wash your hair, or do you just wipe?" "(ALL LAUGHING)" "(SLOT MACHINES DINGING)" " Pardon me." " Uh, excuse me." "Um, where's the check-in desk?" " Check-in desk?" " For the hotel?" "Check-in?" "Hell, they closed the hotel part down for remodeling months ago." "Reopening next year." "It's gonna be real nice." "Uh, we have a problem." "The rooms, uh, aren't gonna be ready for another year and a half." "They're still remodeling." "Archibald, did this topic come up when you made the reservation?" "No, because you insisted on making the reservations." "I insisted, but then you insisted, and it is the second insister" " that supersedes the first." " Sam." "Sam." "I offered, you insisted." "Guys, guys, don't worry about it, all right?" "Lisa and I are staying at the Aria for the wedding." " I'm just texting my assistant." " Yeah, see that?" "No problem." "Big shot's assistant will take care of everything." "Meantime, I got to look for a bathroom." "Or don't they have that either?" "ARCHIE:" "Okay." "We'll go to your hotel." " But we're the ones getting the rooms." "SAM:" "Yeah, that's right." "Soon as I have a drink." "It's 5:00 in Florida." " I'll join you." " If you insist." "You know, Sam, it was you who insisted on making the reservation." "And where'd you get that silly hat?" "SAM:" "Oh, why is my hat the default insult?" "WOMAN (SINGING):" "Can thrill me like you do" "And fill my heart with love" "For only you" "Only you" "Can make this change in me" "For it's true" "You are my destiny" "When you hold my hand I understand" "The magic that you do" "You're my dream come true" "My one and only you" "Only you" "Only you can make This change in me" "For it's true" "You are my destiny" "When you hold my hand" "I understand" "The magic that you do" "You're my dream come true" "My one and only" "You" "All right." "All right." "ARCHIE:" "Terrific." "Thank you!" "But all that tells me is that wherever you guys are from, you lack quality entertainment." "(ALL LAUGH)" "Okay, that'll do it for me." "Make sure to tip your waitresses." "It's pretty funny when they fall over." " Ha-ha-ha!" " Oof." "Sam, Sam." "No, she's good, she's good." "My friends and I, uh, would like to buy you a drink." "Um, you were the ones laughing." "In that case, I should buy you a drink." " Ah, heh." " Oh, hardly." " I'm Diana Boyle." " Hi, I'm Billy Gherson." " I'm Archie Clayton." " Hey." " Hi." "Uh, that's Sam Harris." " Hey, Diana, please, sit down." " Let go of her hand." " Thank you." "SAM:" "Wow." "You were-- That was just incredible." "And" " And I'm just gonna preemptively just put my cards" " on the table, and say that" " Ah." "BILLY:" "Sam." "My wife of 40 years has given me permission to, basically, uh, cheat on her this next few days." "And so I just wanted to let you know, in case, uh, you..." " I'm available." " That's a generous offer." "Are you good in bed, Sam?" "I don't remember." "ARCHIE:" "Ha-ha-ha." " Great!" "(ALL LAUGHING)" "Uh, Carol, could I have a Sapphire Martini, straight up" " with a twist, please?" "Gentlemen?" "CAROL:" "All right." "Uh, what--?" "Uh, no alcohol." " He won't have alcohol." " What?" "Bombay Sapphire martini, straight up." "Don't pay any mind to him." " I'm a big drinker, I drink all the time." "DIANA:" "Okay, okay." " Bring him two." " And I'll have one." "I'll" " I'll have one as well." "So, what brings you boys to Vegas?" "I'll tell you what brings us to Vegas:" "a big fat liar." "I just wanted to come over and tell you how much I enjoyed" " your performance." " Oh, thank you." "You're no spring chicken, but you deserve better" " than being around these lowlifes." " Wow!" "Prince Charming, is that you?" "You are so much shorter than I thought you would be." "(ALL LAUGH)" "No, actually we're here, uh, for a wedding." "Our friend Hazelnut is tying the knot on Sunday." " Yeah?" "Oh." " So, all right." "So long, jerk-offs." "I'm gonna go look for a hotel that actually has hotel rooms." "Wait, wait." "Why are you leaving?" "Because of this schmuck, that's why." "We got a couple of unresolved issues." "Is he a schmuck?" " It's a gray area." "DIANA:" "Hmm." "We've been best friends since we're 6 years old." "My wife dies about a year ago, he doesn't even show up for the funeral." "It's a little more complicated than that." "I" "Yeah, sends me flowers with a note that says "Sorry for your loss."" "Schmuck." "Well, I am sorry that you're leaving." "Clearly I need someone to look out for me, seeing as how I'm associating with an alcoholic, an adulterer" " and a schmuck." "ARCHIE:" "Heh, heh." "I like you." " Well." " Pat Connors." "Still Diana Boyle." " Diana?" " Ah!" " Oh, look here." " There you are." "To the first bachelor party I've ever attended that could be covered by Medicare." " Ha-ha-ha." " And, um, to the only people here who actually listened to me sing." "Thank you for that." "(GLASSES CLINKING)" "Hey, you, eye contact." "Doesn't mean a thing without eye contact." "How old is the woman that he is marrying?" " Uh, she's, uh..." " Oh, well, you know, she's..." " Uh, just, uh, in her..." " 30-ish." "Oh, sweet Jesus." "Guys, come on, we got to get going here, all right?" " Let's get over to the Aria." " Oh, that's a great hotel." " Has my lucky big wheel." " Mm." "Big wheel." " Then you're coming with us." " She is?" "(HORNS HONKING)" "(ALL CHATTERING)" "What the hell is with this traffic?" " Are you comfortable?" " No, I'm" " I'm fine." " I can make him sit in the back." " No, he doesn't have to go in the back." " Are you sure?" " Screw this, all right?" " Let's just get out of here." " What?" " Let's get out." "Screw it." " Really?" "Yeah, yeah, yeah, let's go." "Lead on, man." "(WOMEN GIGGLE)" "Whoo-hoo, hoo-hoo." "(MEN CHEERING)" "ALL (CHANTING):" "Chug!" "Chug!" "Chug!" "Chug!" "(CHEERING)" "What is that, a map?" "Look at them." "The moron brigade." "So now it's just me, on my own." "There's this young girl, a neighbor, she keeps trying to bring me soup." " Well, she sounds terrible." " She is terrible." "Soup's not bad." "(LAUGHS)" " Aria." " Gentlemen checking in?" "Gherson." "Gherson." "I'll take that, sir." "(SIGHS)" "All right, gentlemen, I'm gonna touch base with my bride-to-be." "She has her own phone?" "Yes, Archie, she has her own phone." " Not a toy phone?" " Children are learning more and more about new technology." "They're younger and younger." "Oh, like a baby monitor?" "You guys finished?" " Not yet." " All right, huddle up, huddle up." "You are surrounded by slot machines, poker, roulette, and there are girls at every bar." "I want to hear stories, I want to hear results," "I want to hear all of you getting in trouble." "And I'm sure this young lady can help you." "See you back here." "DIANA:" "Ah, this is the one, this is the one." "Okay, so put a dollar down." " I don't gamble." " Oh, this is not gambling." "This, my friend, is a sure thing." " Yeah, but it's throwing money away." " Come on, Paddy, give me a dollar." " Perfect, we're in." "WOMAN:" "Good luck." "Come on." "Come on." "Come on." "Oh, congratulations!" "Five dollars off the buffet." "Yes, we did it." "Our lives are changed forever, Paddy." "Can you feel it?" "All right, Paddy, you just won five dollars off the buffet." " What are you gonna do first?" " Go to the buffet." "He's going to the buffet, ladies and gentlemen, the man is going to the buffet." "Yay!" "Paddy, Paddy, Paddy, uh, uh, the good news is that this hotel actually does have rooms." "The bad news is that none are available." "Don't tell Billy, please." "I don't give a flying fart about Billy." "Where am I gonna sleep?" "Well, they said they might have some after 6." "So here's the deal:" "Lisa wants me to check out the chapel." "Heh, she's got you on a short leash, doesn't she?" " Kids these days." " Well, would Mrs. Don Rickles happen to know where the chapel is?" "I do, and I will show you." " That's okay, that's fine, I'll find it" " No, no, no, shh." " I'm being wonderful." "SAM:" "Take your time." "Plenty of time." "We got till 6." "Blackjack." "I used to like blackjack." " Archie?" " Archie." "(SAM GROANS)" "SAM:" "I'm a little concerned..." "PADDY:" "Yeah." "Uh, ahem." "Can I sit here?" " Every time." " Yes, of course, sir." " Yeah, sit down." "WAITRESS:" "Cocktail, cigarettes?" " Sir?" " Yeah?" "Sir, I think she's asking if you have any, uh, money in that fanny pack of yours." " Oh." "Ha, ha." " Yeah, there you go." "WAITRESS:" "Excuse me, cocktails." "SAM:" "Holy crap, what, did you rob a bank?" "Sort of." "I emptied out half my pension, $15,000." "SAM:" "What?" "PADDY:" "You all right?" "Guys, come on." "I'm on a weekend furlough from prison." "I don't know about you, but I'm making the most of it." "Seriously, count a little slower, Ling." " Come on, Paddy, join us, this is" " Oh." " Oh!" "Uh, sorry." "Kidding me?" "It's like you did that on purpose." "No, no, it's-- It was just an accident." "What are you, his bodyguard?" "No, you know what?" "Thank you, guys, for killing a really, really hot table." "We're done." "Fifteen thousand coming in." "And on that happy note, I've got a certain prophylactic device burning a hole in my pocket." "I will see you gentlemen later." " Sam." "Sam?" " What?" "Glasses." "Take your glasses off." "Makes you look younger." " He does?" " No." "(CHATTERING)" "WOMAN:" "Hi." " Hello, sir." " A, uh, gin and tonic." "BARTENDER:" "Right away." "Hi." "WOMAN 1:" "You have to see it." "WOMAN 2:" "I'm sure." "WOMAN 3:" "There he is." "Hi." "Hello." " Come here often?" " As a matter of fact, I do." "It's a good place for me to relax between shows." "Between shows?" "Your shows" " Your show?" "Yeah, I love this place." "It's got a nice, uh," ""anything can happen" kind of atmosphere, you know what I mean?" "Oh, is that a wedding ring you're sporting there?" "It is a wedding ring, but, uh, the great thing is, I have permission." "My wife is, uh, very open." "Well, okay." "Okay...?" "Okay, well, uh, let me-- Let me buy you another drink." " I just have one question for you." " What's that?" "(IN DEEP VOICE) What would my wife think?" "What?" "Hol..." "Excuse me, I just have..." "Oh." "Oh." "I'm" " You're" " You're" " I" "You're a" " You're a trans" "Trans... planted New Yorker?" " New Jersey." " Jersey?" "Oh, Brooklyn." "Oh." "You look fantastic." "And I do not judge, I make no judgments-." "Oh, no, no." "No judgment here either." ""Papa Don't Preach."" " No, no, good." " It's a Madonna song." "I get it." "You're Madonna." "Uh, hello, I'm Sam." " Sam Harris." " Maurice Tischler." "Yeah." "This is it." "If you're gonna get hitched in Vegas, this is pretty much the least depressing place you can do it." "(BILLY CHUCKLES)" "Hey, I like it." "Well, good." "I will, uh, leave you to it." " Welcome." " Thank you." "Welcome to where love takes flight." "Hi." "Billy Gherson." " Oh, yes, yes, Mr. Gherson." " Hi." "I should have known." "Ha, ha." "I've seen a lot of couples come down this aisle." "I can always tell when it's true love." "(BILLY CHUCKLES)" "Uh, no, no, no, this is not my fiancée." " No." "DIANA:" "Oh, no, no, no." "This man would never marry someone even close to his own age." "So who are you?" "I'm his mother." "So we got a lounge singer of a certain age." " Oh, how delicately put." " But not from here." " Atlanta." " Right." "In my former life, I was a tax attorney." "Um, I raised a daughter on my own." "Her father was an asshole of epic proportions, and I got her through school and, um..." "Now, I am giving you the full bio here." "Should I stop or...?" " No, no, no, go on, go on." " Really?" " Yes." " Okay." "Um..." "And so a few months ago," "I found myself downsized and empty-nested, and I asked myself," ""What do you really want to do with your life, Diana Boyle?"" "And what I really wanted to do was sing." "I'm a little old for American Idol." " Oh." " So I figured Vegas." "And so, you know, as they say, it goes." "A big shot at Binion's needed some legal advice, so basically, I got that gig sewed up till I drop." "It was nice of you to walk me to my car." "Oh, well, it was, um, nice of you to walk me to the chapel." "You know, you are not as charming as you think you are." "Well, no one could be, quite frankly." "It was nice." "Congratulations!" "So long, schmuck!" "(CELL PHONE RINGING)" "Hey, babe." "No, no, I just came from..." "Yeah." "It's interesting." "It's, uh..." "No, you're gonna love it." "You're really gonna love it." " Surgery?" "MAURICE:" "Yeah." " That's" " That's a game-changer." " Well, it's just a big commitment." "There's no going back, you know." "It's not the pain," " I mean, it's the recovery time." " How long is the recovery?" "It's like eight to 12 weeks." "It's hard for a man to take." " So he's out for the season." " Totally out." "That's why you gotta go with the Packers, and the points." " All the girls are making the same bet." " Sam." "MAURICE:" "It's a no-brainer." "PADDY:" "Sam!" "Come on, come on." "Uh..." "Nice to meet you." "Madonna, Cher." " Yeah, I'm coming." " Call me." "Call me." "Sam, where have you been?" "I've been, uh, working the room." "You gotta stop him." "You gotta stop him." " What?" "Stop what?" " Archie, he lost it." "Lost what?" "Archie?" "I'm so sorry, Archie." "I begged and I begged him, he just wouldn't stop." " I don't know what to say." " Yeah, well, okay." "Another bet, sir?" "How much was that last bet?" " Nine thousand." " He lost 9,000?" " How much left?" " What are you doing?" "Let me count." "You started with 15,000." "Now you have 102,000, sir." "Okay, I'm done." " Hundred and two thousand?" " That's enough." "SAM:" "Yeah, that's a good decision." " Excuse me, sir, are you a guest in the hotel?" "Oh, we were" " We really-- We've gotta" "Actually, we just" "Great game, great game, great dealer." "Great table, great game." "How much?" " Hundred and two thousand." " Hundred and two." "PADDY:" "So, what happened?" "We break a rule or something?" "Are they gonna take his money back or what?" "SAM:" "I don't know." "("CAT'S IN THE CRADLE" RINGTONE PLAYING)" "My son." "It's Ezra." "It's my son." "Hello, Ezra." "Wonderful to hear from you, son." "Ezra, calm down." "Calm down." "I'm at the church retreat." "(SLOT MACHINE ALARM RINGING) (COINS CLINKING)" "(CHEERING)" "Uh, that?" "Um..." "That was the Holy Spirit getting into people." " Hallelujah!" " Hallelujah!" "Hallelujah!" " Praise the Lord!" " Ezra, I'm going to have to go." "I think the Holy Spirit's about to leave the room." "I'm gonna see if I can't stop him, okay?" " I shall not want." " I love you, son." "Amen." "He maketh me to lie down-- Did he buy it?" "I don't know, I was improvising, same as you." "Well... (CELL PHONE RINGS) (ARCHIE SIGHS)" " He" " He walketh me." " Hello." "The Lord is my shepherd." " Praise the" " Oh." " It's Billy." "Billy!" "BILLY (OVER PHONE):" "I'm at the pool." " He's at the pool." " What's he doing?" " What's at the pool?" " Where is the pool?" "Welcome to Las Vegas." "ARCHIE:" "Yes!" "SAM:" "Yeah." " Relax, Gherson." " Aw, yeah." "It's not like you invented it." "Oh, Jesus." "(BILLY AND ARCHIE HOWLING)" "SAM:" "Ay." "We got a bikini contest coming up!" "(ALL CHEERING)" " Who wants to be a judge?" " I do!" "(BILLY CHUCKLES)" "Idea." "Let's see what we can do with this." "Are you ready to Party Rock?" "(CHEERING)" "I go by the name of Redfoo!" "(CHEERING)" "Yeah, we got cash, we got prizes, and we got the best judges in the world!" "Put your hands up, put your hands up, put your hands up!" "Oh, oh, oh, oh!" "Yeah!" "Well, check your pulse, fellas, because coming to the stage is our first girl." "She's from Seattle and she likes to get wet, baby!" " Whoo!" " Jessica!" "MAN:" "I love you, Jessica!" "REDFOO:" "Yeah, look at them assets, baby!" "Yeah!" "Judges, judges, what you got for Jessica?" "Ten, baby!" "Ten!" "Ten!" "Yeah, baby!" "Unh!" "Looking good." "Next coming up is Christina, and she's a redhead, and let me tell you, it's au naturel, baby." "(ALL CHEERING)" "Judges?" "Ten, baby!" "(SCREAMS)" "Irena, baby, yeah!" "Bring out Patrice!" "Ah!" "Come on and shout it!" "Baby!" "(AUDIENCE BOOING)" "(ARCHIE WHOOPING)" "Mm-hm, yeah!" "REDFOO:" "Unh!" "Looking good!" "Yeah!" "Eleven!" "Let's get to know the judges." "Can we get to know the judges?" "What's your name there, sir?" " Uh, Sam." " All right." "Oh, and I'm available, I have a condom." "REDFOO:" "Oh, yeah." "Yeah, baby!" "Who's that?" "What is your name, party planner?" "Uh, Paddy." "Paddy!" "(CHEERING)" "Well, Paddy, I got a special package just for you, baby!" "AW, yeah, baby!" " Yeah, baby!" " Ha-ha-ha!" "Yeah, baby!" "(LAUGHING)" "I don't know how Paddy could have given her a seven." "She was too young." "She shouldn't have been there." " I liked Mr. Redfoo." " Who's that?" "The guy who put his balls in your face." " Oh, yeah, liked him." " Ha-ha-ha." " He knows how to keep a party" " Mr. Clayton?" "Quite a run you had at blackjack." "Can we talk?" " Well, I" " Apparently, you aren't actually staying here, is that correct?" "Now, wait a minute here." "Are you suggesting my friend is a card counter because he took your casino for a hundred grand?" "No, he won fair and square, and actually we'd just like to have a chance to win some of that money back by giving you someplace nice to stay." "Hey, Alan, you wanted to talk to me?" " Heh." "This is Lonnie." " Hey." "He's gonna take care of you this weekend." "Uh, with all due respect, I believe I'm actually assigned to" " Uh, he canceled." " He canceled?" "Yeah, give these gentlemen Villa 4." "Are you sure he canceled?" "I just confirmed with his travel a" "Good day, gentlemen." " Thank you." " Thank you." "SAM:" "Thank you." "I hope there's room enough for four guys because there's no way I'm sharing a bed with this cupcake." "(ARCHIE  BILLY LAUGH)" "LONNIE:" "The penthouse villa." "Dollar for dollar, one of the best suites in all of Vegas." "Four bedrooms up top, fully stocked bar, gourmet kitchen, and all the amenities you see before you." "You know what I feel like?" "I feel like a damn princess." "(ARCHIE LAUGHS)" "So intimate, that's what I love." "I'm at your disposal for anything else that you might need." "Is that your job?" "You're just here for us?" "You wouldn't believe who I was supposed to be hosting." "Who?" "(WHISPERS) Fiddy." "Fiddy?" "P-Fiddy?" " Fifty." " Fifty people in here?" "No, no, 50 Cent." "Curtis Jackson." " Oh, from the Jackson 5, sure." " Yeah, okay." "50 Cent's a pretty big deal in modern times, and one of the perks of hosting him is, you know," "I get that second-and third-round draft pick." "You know what I mean?" "We don't." "Like, the leftover..." "So I'm assuming you guys are not gonna wanna visit our nightclub." "Nightclub?" "Dancing?" "Yes, Mr. Clayton," "I believe some people will be dancing at the nightclub." "Oh, all right." "Okay." "Ah." "Usually gets jumping around 11:00." "If you like, I can pick you up or wake you up." "SAM:" "Oh!" " Oh, oh, oh." "ARCHIE:" "What are we talking about?" " That's when we come alive." "Midnight at the disco, we'll see you there." "We're always up and about after midnight on the weekends." " A little after, maybe." " I'll leave you gentlemen to your fun." "SAM:" "Thank you." " Keys." "ARCHIE:" "How do you get these damn curtains open?" "SAM:" "I know how these things work." "ARCHIE:" "Let's get some light in here, Jesus." "LONNIE:" "We've got one of these consoles in every single room." "SAM:" "Ready, one, two, three." "Unh!" "Let me, uh, help you geniuses." "SAM:" "The hell?" "PADDY:" "Okay." "SAM:" "Oh, there's a window." "Oh, of course, of course." "PADDY:" "A lot of times they just put a light back there." "SAM:" "It's probably fake." "It's fake." "I give up." "ARCHIE:" "Whoa, whoa." "SAM:" "Did you do that?" "ARCHIE:" "Whoa." "Curtains, music, lighting." "And if you're really feeling adventurous, we now have color television." "Have a good day, sir." " Oh, cute." " Ha, ha." "Fellas, look at this." "Oh, no." "An old friend." "Is that what I think it is?" "You mean you kept that all this time?" "Goddamn right I have." "The Flatbush Four is back, and we're not on any Brooklyn street corner," " man, we're on top of Vegas." " Ha-ha-ha." "Celebrating my wedding." "Heh." " Let's get it on!" "Ha-ha-ha!" " Let's go on." " I'll get some ice." "ARCHIE:" "Okay, all right, damn." "Yeah, just like you, Gherson." "Let's forget about everything we've done to hurt people." "Let's just move on and celebrate me, that's all." "Paddy, I should have been there." "You're damn right you should have been there." "You should have been there, and, you know, she wanted you to do the eulogy." "She wanted you, and you knew that." "She knew I would fall apart in front of everybody, and she knew you would make everybody laugh, Mr. Comedian, but no." "You didn't show up, you were too busy." "Too busy for my wife's funeral, our Sophie's funeral, so I had to do it." "I didn't get one word out." "Broke down like a baby." "I'm sorry, Paddy." "Ah, no, you're a phony, Gherson." "You always have been, you always will be." "Everything about you is phony." "Your teeth, your hair, even your tan is phony." "Ah, Jesus, Paddy, you know, you" "Hey, Paddy, come on, man, for crying out loud, we're just trying to have a nice weekend together." "Nice weekend?" "You call this a nice weekend?" "This is sad." "I'd give my left arm to be with my wife right now, and all Sammy wants to do is cheat on his." "And, Archie, you're on some sort of self-destructive bender, cleaning out your pension fund like you're so desperate to be alive." "And this guy wants us to validate his marrying a child." "Well, you know what?" "I'm not gonna be part of this charade, not me." "Naptime." "(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS)" "(CHATTERING)" "MAN:" "No, it's easy as long as you have a couple girls..." "Oh, my God." "Uh, we've been here like an hour, Billy." "I think they're only letting people with cleavage in." "Screw it, follow me." " Ahem." " Where are we going?" "Billy?" "So, what's it gonna take for three VIPs?" "Who's your VIP host?" " VIP host?" " VIP host." "Oh, that's what's-his--?" "Uh, our friend, uh..." " Oh, yeah, yeah, um..." " Larry." "Larry." " Louie." "Remember Louie?" " Lorrie?" "Louis?" "No, no, no." " Larry?" "Larry, Larry." " No, it's an "L."" "No, you got it all wrong." "We don't know." "Uh, he's a nice guy." "Get back in line." "You sure about that, son?" "(LAUGHING)" "SAM:" "He's laughing." "(ALL LAUGHING)" " Oh, y'all are serious, huh?" " Yeah, yeah." "Look, the only way you guys are getting in there tonight is VIP bottle service." " All right, I got that." " No, no, no." "We got, we got it." "No, no, this is on us." " Eighteen." " Eighteen." "Okay, 18." " Here's my friend's ten." " Yep." "And I've got-- Here's one, two, three," " and five." " There you go." "And one for your warmth and hospitality." " Eighteen hundred." " Eighteen hundred what?" "Eighteen hundred dollars, fellas." "Fuck!" "Uh, no, I got this." "I'm up $102,000." "We'll take the bottles." "Bottle." "One bottle." "(IN UNISON) You shitting me?" "We'll take it." "(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS)" "(CROWD SHOUTING AND CHEERING)" "BOUNCER:" "Here you go, fellas." " Whoa!" "Ha, ha." "All right." " Thank you." " Hey." "Gentlemen." "Not too shabby, huh?" " Not too." " No wonder it's $1,800." "Look at the size of this thing." "MAN:" "Yeah, that's my boy!" "Make it happen!" " Hi." "ALL:" "Hi." "She's on my lap." "There's a girl on my lap." " Do you mind?" " No, no, no." "It's, uh" " It's titanium." "It, uh, can't feel a thing." "What can we start you gentlemen off with?" " How about some Red Bull vodkas?" " Yeah!" "SAM:" "Red Bull vodkas." " Uh, I probably should take it easy." " How about just a glass of soda?" " Yeah, yeah, me too-." "I feel a little" "Well, I can't tell if I'm having another stroke or if it's these dad-gum lights." " Huh?" " What's with you guys, all right?" " Huh?" " Today you were just fine." "Now all of a sudden you're like two old dogs being dragged out of the back of the house to lie down and die." "Three Red Bull vodkas." "SAM:" "What's a rebel vodka?" " I don't know." "(CHEERING)" " He just asked for my number!" "WOMAN:" "Ah, yeah, girl!" "Hey, Sam." "Got a little bachelorette party going on over there." "I bet there's at least three girls there that got some serious daddy issues." " Archie!" " Huh?" " You said you wanted to dance." " Yeah." " Now's your chance." " I'm still, uh, a little concerned about" "Oh, no, no, let's not talk about Paddy now, huh?" "Please." "(DISHES CLINKING)" "("CAT'S IN THE CRADLE" RINGTONE PLAYING)" "(RINGTONE STOPS)" "("CAT'S IN THE CRADLE" RINGTONE PLAYING)" "ARCHIE:" "Boy, these "Red Balls" vodkas are strange." "I feel like I'm getting drunk and electrocuted at the same time." "And the music!" "Loud!" "Like everything sounds alike." "Like they're playing the same song over and over and over and over again." "I probably should get up and dance, but I'm used to having a partner." "Certainly doesn't seem to matter to that fella." "Maybe I'll give it a shot." "Maybe not." "Well, if they play something different." "Oh, shit, maybe now." " Yeah!" " Ha-ha-ha!" "(ARCHIE LAUGHING)" "SAM:" "Go, Archie!" "WOMAN:" "Hey." "SAM:" "Whoo!" "Hello." " Hi." " Hi." "Can I ask you a question?" " Yes." " Do you guys have drugs?" "Does Lipitor count?" "So what are you guys doing here?" " It's my bachelor party." " Oh." "I just think it's so cute when older people get married." " It's never too late, right?" " Right, right." "Actually, uh, she's not older." "She's more your age." "You must be really rich." "You're kind of blowing my mind right now." " Oh?" " Yeah, it's just" " It's like..." " You're so cute." " I..." "It's freaking me out." "As I look at you," " Yeah?" " all I can think about is how much you look like my grandpa Lou." "He's in a nursing home outside Fort Lauderdale." "Uh, who isn't?" " Hey, angel, come on, get out here" " Hey." "Uh, excuse me," "I'm talking to another person." "Yeah, but you should be talking to me." "I'm more interesting." "Come on." "Go away, seriously." "You know, I just don't get it, all right?" "It's not like you're married yet." "Just spread it around a little before it gets dusty, you know?" "Ew." "Look you little jerk-off, I don't wanna dance with you." "I don't wanna dance with you either." " Everything all right here?" " Fanny Pack." "You" " You guys are everywhere." "What's your deal?" "Can I see that real quick?" "Buddy, maybe you had too much to drink." "Hey, pal, why don't you mind your business?" "You don't wanna make a fool of yourself." "You know what?" "If I want your opinion, I'll just beat it out of you." " Hey, hey, hey, what's the problem?" " Hey, hey, hey!" "What's going on?" "ARCHIE:" "Sam?" "Oh." "Now I'm gonna enjoy this one, asshole." "You know that?" "(ALL GASPING)" "No one calls us names except us." "You understand?" "Paddy." "Just get him out of here." " Take him out the side." " We're going." " Your son's been calling." " Huh?" "Good shot, Paddy." "Damn, fellas, that Paddy's a beast." "Heh." "There you are." " Lonnie." " Lonnie." "BILLY:" "I said that, man." " No, you never did say that." " You said Louie or some shit like that." " All right, I said Larry." " I said..." " Where you been, man?" "(SNORING)" "Boom." "Boom, boom." "(CHATTERING)" "PADDY:" "Thank you." "MAN:" "Twenty-two up!" "DIANA (SINGING):" "I need a pinch of sugar" "An ounce of ooh-la-la" "A sweet temptation In my blue boudoir" "If you're feeling hungry" "I'll let you lick the spoon" "Come on over, baby" "Can I borrow a cup of trouble" "From you?" "(PIANO PLAYING JAZZY TUNE)" "MAN 1:" "I'm just gonna get some chairs, I'll be right back." "MAN 2:" "Okay, I'll wait for you." "I used to be fun." "She chose me, I mean, well, over Mr. Ladies' Man, Billy Gherson." "That's how fun I was." "Ahem." "We both wanted her, but she picked me." "Picked me." "And, uh, you know, once I-- I made her laugh so hard, she peed her pants." "Yeah." "(DIANA CHUCKLES)" "I used to be able to make women laugh like that." "Come on." "You made me laugh." "Yeah, but I didn't make you pee your pants." "Well, give it time." "Hey, I didn't know her, obviously, but she sounds like the kind of woman that wouldn't want you spending all your time being sad." " No, she wouldn't." " So cut it out." "It's enough already." " Just cut it out?" " Yeah." "Really." " Can I ask you something?" " Yeah." "If I threw a party, would you be able to come?" "I might." "Might's good enough." "(GROANING)" "I haven't been this hungover in 30 years." "Shh-shh-shh." " Everything's spinning." " I know." "(SAM GROANS)" "ARCHIE:" "Oh, no, don't-- SAM:" "Oh, hi." "BILLY:" "Guess I'll see you in the morning." "Yeah, and it'll be great to see you." "That's a good idea." "I mean, I got all my best friends here." "You should have yours here with you too." "Uh. hey, honey?" "Let me call you back later, okay?" "Yeah." " Hey." " Hey." "Excuse me, young lady?" "Bloody Mary, please." "Extra bloody." "Sophie wouldn't want me hanging around the apartment in my bathrobe." " No, she wou" " Shut up." "So I'm not gonna do that anymore, and I'm having a Bloody Mary." "I used to like Bloody Marys." "Maybe I'll like them again." "I'm gonna ask you something." "Do you love this Lisa girl the way I loved Sophie?" "She's a wonderful person, really great human being." "Well, that's great." "I'll vote for her when she runs for Congress." "Billy, you're gonna be 70 years old." "Tomorrow you're marrying a 31-year-old woman who you proposed to at a funeral." "Now, I don't give a flying crap about you, but if I did, I gotta tell you, I see a few red flags." "Tomorrow I'm gonna ask you again if you love her." "I expect a better answer." "SAM:" "He left his room." "ARCHIE:" "Ha, ha." "(ALL LAUGH)" "PADDY:" "Hey." " Hey." "SAM:" "The old gang." "We're throwing a party tonight." "SAM:" "Yeah, that's the spirit." "Yeah, a party." " Happy day!" " Excuse me." " Oh, crap." " I, um..." "I just wanted to, uh, apologize for, uh" " For last night." "Uh, I was way out of line, and, um, you know, I had too much to drink, and I am just really, really sorry." "I throw myself at your mercy." "LONNIE:" "I was just downloading Dean on who you guys were." "He didn't know that you were the heads of four very influential" "East Coast families." "DEAN:" "Yeah, I had" " I had no idea." "Well, I wouldn't expect a dickhead like you to know about legends like us." " I" " I'm a dickhead." " Knuckles." "Knuckles." "Knuckles, get the guy out of my sight." "Yeah." "You know, you're a dumb little shit, you know that?" " Oh, no, please." " You don't know who these guys are?" "Archie Aces, Billy Bones," " Sammy the..." " The accountant." " Yeah, the accountant." " Ugh." "Sammy the Stove, they call me." "I cook the books." "I'm just" " I'm sorry." "What do we care about your sorrys?" "No, I know, I know, I know." "I don't give a damn about my sorrys." "Just please..." "Shut up, shut up." "Just go get us some ice water." "When that's done, you come back, you do some other things for us." "Maybe Knuckles here will let you wash his balls." "Sorry, that was weird." " Four ice waters?" " Go." "PADDY:" "What was that all about?" " I" " You were great." "I" " Maybe I overdid it." "(BOTH CHUCKLING)" "I, uh, obviously misread you guys." "You guys sold the shit out of that." "So, what do you guys want me to do?" "Nothing." "No, today, you take the afternoon off, have another drink, go to the spa." "Save your energy." "It's gonna be a big night for you tonight." "You got some thinking to do." "And we got some recruiting to do." "Yeah." "We need to recruit some talent, gentlemen." "Yeah, I want the A-list." "B" " The double-D list." "That is the A-list, actually." "(PADDY CLEARS THROAT)" "I like this one, although, is she throwing up or crying?" "LONNIE:" "Definitely throwing up." "By 6." "By 6?" "My turn." "(INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE)" "Yeah, now we're talking." "Yeah." " These two, these two." "SAM:" "Yeah, that" " Yeah." "There you go." "Oh, here, here!" "What are you doing?" "What are you doing?" "Hi." "Oh, thanks." "Girls, you remember Sam, right?" "It's really gonna be great." "Party tonight." "Yeah, thanks." "Oh, thanks." "MINISTER:" "If we were able to, I would release..." "I told you to put those in one and two." "Okay." "Oh, no." " Take those back." "I'm sorry." " Where to?" "Here we go." "Let's do it." "Wait, are you--?" "DIANA (SINGING):" "So find yourself somebody" "You gotta find yourself somebody" "You need to find yourself somebody" "To love" "Wow." "You guys just cannot stay away from me." "You wanna go someplace?" "Um, let me just check with the crowd." "Okay." "BILLY:" "When you sing, I feel like a teenager." "DIANA:" "And isn't that your whole goal in life?" " Ha, ha." " So sad." "You're right." "Can I ask you a personal question?" "Ay, ay." "Okay, one personal question." "Why haven't you ever gotten married until now?" "Well, Why should I?" "I get to do everything I want to do whenever I want to." "I mean, what's wrong with that?" "There's no mention of love?" "No, no, no, I'm-- I'm not the falling-in-love type." "Okay." "Truth is, there was only one girl in my entire life that I fell in love with." "I let her get away." "Who was that?" "You shouldn't have used up your one personal question." " Oh, you are holding on so tight." " Ha, ha." "Oh, Mr. Big-Shot, I know where I'm taking you." "MAN:" "Take a seat, please." " You have got to be kidding." "What's the matter, princess?" "Scared of heights?" "Yes, the princess is scared of heights." "Well, I won't think less of you if you throw up or cry." "Actually, I might if you cry." "Please don't cry." " I won't cry." " Billy," "I think I have to ask you one more personal question." "Whoa!" "What?" "You're getting married tomorrow." "What are you doing here with me?" "Well, you know I'm getting married tomorrow." " What are you doing here with me?" " Oh, see, I do have an answer." "I..." "like you." "I liked you from the moment that I saw you." "None of which matters if you love Lisa." "Do you?" "(WHIRRING)" "What's--?" "No, no." "No, no." "Oh, no, no." "No!" "No!" "No!" "No!" "(SCREAMING)" "(ALL LAUGH)" "I knew you would like it." "Oh, yeah, no, I love it, I love it!" "It's great." "Oh, good, because it goes up and down three more times." "Oh, it-- it's" " What?" "Aah!" "For a minute there, I thought you were trying to kill me." "Well, you wouldn't answer my personal questions, so I thought I needed to scare the answers out of you." "All right, well, Paddy and I, right?" "When we were kids, we were in love with the same girl." "Sophie." "She's the one who got away?" "Yeah." "First, you know, it was just two best friends competing for the same girl, but as we got older, it got a little more complicated." "One day, Paddy told Sophie that she had to make a choice between the two of us." "That night, Sophie came to my house." "You know, she was confused." "She was young." "So she picked you." "Yeah." "Yeah, she came and saw me first." "But everybody knew she belonged with Paddy." "Everybody." "So I told her." "And then she went with Paddy." "Does Paddy know?" "Oh, complicated." "A little bit." "You know, the boys are throwing a party for me tonight." "Yeah, I heard." "Well, I would really love it if you'd stop by." "Complicated." "A little bit." "There they are." "These are my..." " Those are the kids." " Uh-huh?" "And when they were younger." "And here are the grandkids." "PADDY:" "Your son's son, and who's...?" "SAM:" "That-- ARCHIE:" "Oh, shame on you." "You don't even know who they are." " Jason and, uh, Edith." " Those are-J?" " Those are grandchildren?" "Oh." " Yes, yeah." "The one with the bottle there, she has a drinking problem." "(ALL CHUCKLE)" "SAM:" "That's a binky." "It looks like a goatee." "ARCHIE:" "It does." "(DOORBELL RINGS)" " I got it." " Our first guests." "Gentlemen, you have definitely outdone yourselves." "Yeah, I got a little something, uh, for you, my best men." " Paddy." "ARCHIE:" "Aw, you shouldn't have." " Sam." " Oh, you really shouldn't have." "Archie." "ARCHIE:" "You should have." "(ALL LAUGHING)" "You asshole." "I can't believe this is your last night as a bachelor, Billy." "You better brace yourself for tomorrow." "But tonight, we're gonna party like it's 1959." " Yes!" "LONNIE:" "Yo, fellas?" "I'm Stacy." "Which one of you is Sam Harris?" "(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) (LAUGHING AND CHEERING)" "LONNIE:" "Hey!" "Come on in, guys." "Thank you." "(INHALES)" "(SNIFFS)" "(CHATTERING AND LAUGHING)" "Excuse me." "Sam!" " Sam!" " He doesn't know you." " Do I know you?" " Yes!" "Come on, you don't recognize" " the Material Girl?" "Madonna?" " Ma" " Maurice!" " Yes." " You look different." " Of course, of course." " I'm sorry!" " Sam, Sam, this is my wife Susan." " Of course, you're Susan!" "I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but you seem like such a conventional married couple." " Ha, ha." " Yeah, most people think that." "But listen, don't get me wrong, everyone else I brought is just a complete freak!" "(ALL CHEERING)" " Have fun dancing." " All right." "Thanks for coming." " Mwah." " Mwah." "Yeah." "Hey!" "Hey!" "You've got" " That's a guy." "Oh, there's a snake." "It's a snake." "Come on." "I know you wanna dance." "Yes, yes, but" " But, see, I don't" "I don't know this." "Well, show me what you know." "Well, I know some things." "MAN:" "Everybody back up!" "Back up!" "Give them some room!" "(ALL CHEERING)" "(ARCHIE CHUCKLING)" "Child, phew!" "That was..." "May I have this dance?" "I got you, babe." "Let it go, Archie!" "Hey, Lonnie!" "We got a situation." "Um..." " Listen." "No, no, wait." " No, I got it." "Relax." " Let me explain to" " Relax, relax." " Lonnie." " Fifty." "I thought you canceled." "Shit changed, man." "I'm in the next room." " That's what's up?" " Think you can get them" " to turn the music down?" " Heh, oh, no, man." "Um, actually, these dudes are kind of just getting started." " Think I could come in for a bit?" " No, it's a private party." " Come on" " Needy." "Watch him." " All right." "CURTIS:" "Please, man!" "(CHEERING)" "(LAUGHING)" "It's the bride-to-be!" "Oh, you're gonna need this tomorrow." "There you go." "Maid of honor!" " Grandpa Lou!" " Hey!" "Thank you so much for standing up for us at the club." "That was so awesome of you." "When you're from Brooklyn, uh, not getting involved isn't an option." "I am so tired of these young guys." "They are so immature." "Maybe I should spend some time with a man of experience." "(BOTTLE SHATTERS)" "Let me show you around." "Here, let me." "There you are." "(WOMAN LAUGHS)" "Pretty girl." "Aces, I was just cleaning up over here." "Ah, put that stuff down." " Go have some fun, you've earned it." " Really?" " Really." " Ah." "Aces, thank you so much." "Appreciate it." "Oh, uh." " Before you go, Dean..." " Uh-huh?" "ARCHIE:" "Ask the girl to dance, don't tell her." "Okay?" "Tell her how beautiful she is, not how sexy she looks to you." "Tell her that from the time she walked in here, you have not been able to take your eyes off of her." " That's kind of true." " Okay, then go for it." "Definitely." "I'll be damned." "(CELL PHONE BEEPING)" "The heck?" "Hey, Pop!" "Pop!" " Pop." " Ezra." " What are you doing here?" " What the hell are you doing here?" " I asked you first." " We were terrified." "You said you were going on a church retreat." "We called the church." "Do you know how scared we were?" "All right, I'm sorry, okay?" "I didn't want to worry you about it." "Well, we were worried." "You can't do this kind of stuff." "You're not a kid anymore." "You know, you're right." "I am not a kid." "I'm a grown man, who just happened to go to one of his best friend's bachelor parties." "As a matter of fact, I shouldn't have had to lie about it in the first place." " You could've had another episode." " Let's call it what it is." "It's a stroke, a mild stroke." "And it won't recur as long as I take the damn pills." "If it does, I'll just die, then, won't I?" "Until then, Ezra" "Look at me when I'm talking to you." "Until then, I am not a feeble old man." "I've got a lot of life left in me, and I'm gonna live it doing the things that I like to do." "One of them is dancing, and the other one is having a drink." "I've danced." "Now if you'd care to join me," "I'd love to have a drink with my son." "Heh, all right." " Okay?" " Yeah." "Come on." "It's, uh" " It's..." "Wait a minute." "Uh, where was I?" "Ah." "Yes." " Which way?" " This way." "This is, uh-- This is where it all happens." "This was originally supposed to be for a famous rock star." " Really?" " Uh" " Uh, yeah." "Fifty-Cent Piece." "And, uh, he was going to, uh, have a big deal here with, uh, his groupies and wild parties, and the bed goes around, and it's..." "Now it's all going to waste." "It doesn't have to." "You don't think?" " Good, good." " Heh." "(CHUCKLES)" "You just wait for me one second." "I'm just gonna take a pill in the other room." "Oh." "I don't need a pill." "You..." "Uh..." "Oh." "I'm so glad I met you." "Did I happen to mention that I was married?" " Really?" " Mm-hm." "That's kind of hot." "SAM:" "Oh." " Heh." " It is kind of hot, isn't it?" "Yeah." "That's better." "Hmm." "Yeah." "Mm." "Mm." "The thing is..." " You don't want to have sex with me?" " Oh, oh, no, no, no, I do, I do." "Oh, God, I want to have sex with you." "A lot of it." "It would be..." "Oh, spectacular." "It would be the most spectacular thing that's happened to me in 25 years." "Uh..." "Just-- it" " But..." "The thing is..." "Um... (SIGHS)" "It's crazy, but, uh, whenever something spectacular happens to me, first thing I want to do is tell my wife about it, and, uh, after 40 years of marriage, uh, if I can't tell her about" "something wonderful that happened to me, it sort of stops being wonderful." "I understand." " It" " It has something to do with..." " I mean, I get it, okay?" " She has a way of putting things." " Will you just stop talking?" "Heh." " What?" " Stop." "I really hope that I get to marry a guy like you one day." "Heh." "I'm gonna get dressed." "(DOOR OPENS THEN CLOSES)" "You know, uh, a blowjob wouldn't be out of the question." "(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS)" "(CHATTERING AND CHEERING)" "What a party, man, huh?" "Thank you, Paddy." "Just a little thing the guys and I threw, you know." "What?" "What do you keep looking at the front door for?" "It's Diana." "I invited her to the party." "I like her." "That's okay, isn't it?" "I mean, you said Sophie wouldn't want me to be miserable the rest of my life, right?" "So..." "Right?" "No, listen, I got nothing to go home to anymore." "I got nothing, Billy." "I mean, it's an empty house with a bunch of photographs." "It's very depressing." "She, at least, makes me feel a little bit alive." "And feeling a little bit alive is a lot better than just waiting to die, right?" "Right?" "Are you--?" "Billy, what's...?" "Oh, my God." "You like her." "Susan, hi." "PADDY:" "Uh-oh." "You're getting married." " But you're a widower." " You said Sophie would want me to move on with my life." " That's right." "Exactly." " Well, you know, I was wrong." "(PEOPLE GASPING)" "You asshole!" "BOTH:" "Asshole!" "Whoo!" "(ALL CHEERING)" "You are so cool!" "Diana." "We gotta talk." "(CHEERING)" "Hey, don't even think about kissing me until you've talked to your fiancée." "Paddy's gonna ask you out." "That's why I want to get to you first." "Diana, you know he's completely alone." "I just think you gotta give him a chance." "Okay." "I thought..." "Well, that's completely embarrassing." "I guess I misunderstood." "No, it's not like that." " No, it's not." "It's not." " Well, what is it?" "Are you just gifting me to him like you did his wife?" " It's not the same as that." " Well, how is it different?" "His wife had a choice to make." "First she came to you." " You said, "No, choose him."" " Oh, stop it." " And so she did." " Diana, stop" "How's it different?" "That true?" "What she just said?" "Wow." "Poof." "Just like that, everything." "Look, Paddy..." "Paddy." "Oh, my God." "I am so sorry." "(SIGHS)" "No, it's not your fault." "It's, you know..." "He's my best friend, you know?" "WOMEN:" "Ha-ha-ha." "SAM:" "And these four guys..." "Paddy, you okay?" "Paddy, what's wrong?" "What happened?" "Paddy?" "(SIGHS)" "We were kids, Paddy." "You don't know women." "What are you talking about?" "Look, Billy, you don't know women the way I know them." "You haven't shared a full life with anyone." "You don't know what that is." "You can't tell a woman who to love." "Especially Sophie." "You can't do it." "I know what I had with my wife, Billy." "Thanks to you." "So I'm gonna ask you one more time, you miserable prick." "One more time." "Do you love this woman you are about to marry?" "LISA:" "Billy!" "(CHUCKLES)" "All right, here's the deal:" "You end it, or I will." "Hey, hey, you stay out of this, all right?" "It has nothing to do with you." "Hey, babe!" " I owe you this one." " Aah!" "Lisa, my name's Patrick Connors." "Although that imbecile in the pool there started calling me Paddy when we were kids and it stuck." "Oh, right." "Paddy!" "It's so great to finally meet you." " Yeah, nice to meet you." " Billy's told me so much." "Why did you throw him in the pool?" "Ah, that's just an old game from the neighborhood." "Listen, dear." "Can I tell you something?" " Yeah." " Fifty years ago," "Billy did something for me that allowed me to marry the only woman I ever loved." "And now it's my chance to return the favor." " I'm sorry, I don't understand." " He's not in love with you." "He likes you." "I know he likes you a whole lot, but he doesn't love you like the way that he should." "I can't let him marry you." "He's my best friend." "I can't let him marry you." "Billy?" "I guess we gotta talk, huh?" "SAM:" "What is he saying to her?" "That she's young, got her whole life ahead of her." "Trying as best he can to let her down easy." "I'm sorry, I didn't catch your names." " Madison." " Taylor." "Madison." "How do you think she's, uh, taking it?" "ARCHIE:" "Mixed emotions." " This blows." " Yeah." "Blows." "This is gonna be one sloppy, drunken weekend." "Yeah." "Uh, bye, Taylor." "Bye, Madisons." "Hey, uh, Billy?" "Yeah?" "I couldn't let you marry her." "No, you did it right." "You, uh..." "Congratulations, a good job." " You mad?" " No." "No, you were right." "Because, you know, if you're mad that's okay." "No, Paddy." "I..." "I'm old." "You know?" "And without her, uh..." "I'm just scared of being old." "(SIGHS)" "We were 17, you know, five minutes ago." "It was just yesterday." "I just don't know where it all went, you know?" "My brain cannot conceive how old this body is." "Our girl's gone, Pat." "And I wasn't there at the funeral." "And I'm so sorry about that." "I let you down, man." "And I couldn't bring myself to say goodbye." "Archie's got a stroke, and Sam, well, he's gone to Florida." "Man, it's just winding up a little too fast." "And I'm feeling old and alone." "You have us." "ARCHIE:" "Yeah, Billy." "God help you, you got us." "And you got a hot little number singing her heart out in some shithole across town, you lucky son of a bitch." "Man." "(BAND PLAYING SLOW JAZZ MUSIC)" "DIANA (SINGING):" "Only you" "Only you can make this Change in me" "For it's true" "Oh, baby, you're my" "Destiny" "When you hold my hand" "(MUSIC CONTINUES)" "WOMAN:" "Is she sick?" "That's it?" "You're not gonna finish?" "Shush." "You got in for free." "So how did she take it?" "Well, she's probably in Malibu by now burning my house down, you know?" "It went as well as you could expect." "Poor kid." "Are those for me?" "Hmm?" "Oh." "Actually, um, no." "I'm sorry, um..." "Excuse me." "On behalf of Binion's, I'd like to apologize for the delay in the show, but, um... (SIGHS) ...I'm really interested in the performer." "She's the most amazing woman I ever met, and I just can't believe in two days that she's, you know, inside my heart." "But I don't want her to know, because, you know, with gorgeous women, they like men that like to play hard-to-get." "True." "Very true." "Thank you." "Okay, that worked." "So you gonna kiss me now, or, um, you want to hear more about how I'm falling for you?" "Eye contact." "You... it doesn't mean anything without eye contact." "I'm looking at you, baby." "Mm, uh-oh." "(GRUNTS)" "ARCHIE:" "All right, kid, we'll take it from here." "Time you went and hung out with some guys your own age." "And here's a little something for your troubles." " Wow, you sure?" " No, I was just putting you on." " Of course I'm sure." " You give the best advice." "(ARCHIE CHUCKLES)" "You breathe a word about us to the feds, we will hunt you down." "(LAUGHING)" "Uh, my lips are sealed, Mr. Accountant." "Let me get your bag." " Boys!" "What's up, fellas?" " Lonnie-boy!" "SAM:" "Hey." " All right, you ready to go?" "Packed?" "You got everything?" "Let me get this off my chest." "I've hosted superstars, I've hosted billionaires," "I've hosted kings, and they ain't got nothing" "I said they have nothing on the Flatbush Four, you hear me?" "Nothing." "And I remember," "I heard this beautiful quote." "It was, uh..." ""Ain't nothing in this world that's deeper than loyalty and love, except for loyalty and love between thugs."" "Fifty-Cent, man!" "Fifty!" "BILLY:" "Hey, Lonnie, get a limo for our buddy here and take him out to the airport to meet his friends." "Thank you." "Great party." " Let's go, wise guy, come on." " Let's go." "Okay, gentlemen." "PADDY:" "Who wants a drink?" "Drink?" "Oh, man, where the hell did you find that?" " Found it in the garbage." " Crack that puppy open, buddy." "SAM:" "It's about time." "BILLY:" "Ah, perfect, yeah." "Okay." "Okay, so, uh, here's to being invincible." "Invincible." " Invincible." " Invincible." "(GRUNTING AND SPITTING)" "ARCHIE:" "Jeez." "SAM:" "Terrible!" "ARCHIE:" "Water." " I gotta go brush my teeth." "ARCHIE:" "It can't go bad." "It's Scotch." "It's not so bad." "All right, Paddy, I think you and I go in and... that way." "Sam, you go in and that way." "And I go that way." " Okay." "BILLY:" "Okay." "So, uh, hell of a weekend." "Yeah." "Yeah." " That's for sure." "Heh." " Heh." " You think?" "ARCHIE:" "Yeah." "Yeah, next year Disney World." "Myrtle Beach." "PADDY:" "Uh, Poconos." "SAM:" "The Poconos." "Yeah, that's supposed to be nice." "PADDY:" "Atlantic City." "SAM:" "Atlantic City?" "But it's gotta be summer." "SAM:" "Kayaking in Norway." "Or the Orient Express." "We could take a barge through the canals of, uh..." "PADDY:" "France." "SAM:" "France, Europe, Germany." "You guys are the best thing that ever happened to me." "Yeah." "I don't care how ugly you are." "(LAUGHS)" " Sixty years." " Yeah." "Yeah." "Okay." "Okay." " Okay." " Okay." "Hey!" "Wrong way." "(DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE)" "(RINGTONE PLAYING ON CELL PHONE)" "Oh." "Hang on." " Hello?" " Archibald, I got some news." " Is it the prostate?" " No, man, it's not my prostate." "What's it with you and always about the prostate, you know?" "Wait a minute, let me patch in the other guys, huh?" " I got that good cheese from France." " Good." " Mm-hm." " And a bottle of wine?" "Mm-hm." "(PHONE RINGING)" " Hello?" " Hey, Paddy, it's Billy and Archie." "(PHONE LINE RINGING)" " Why is the phone ringing?" " Sam's not picking up." "(RINGING AND BUZZING)" "BILLY:" "So, guys, you ready for this?" "Diana and I are gonna get married." " Oh, wow!" " She's making a huge mistake." "He says you're making a huge mistake." "Yeah, tell him I know." "I know, Paddy." "What about the five trips to the toilet every night?" " I know it all." " Congratulations." "I'll call you later, we'll talk about the details, okay?" "We're heading to a concert now at the park." " Oh." " Really?" "Is she attractive?" " She'll do." " All right, guys, well," "I gotta get my grandbaby back inside." "I'll talk to you later." " Congratulations, partner." " From me too." "Okay, guys, talk to you later." " See you soon." " Bye." "Attaboy." "(RINGING)" "Oh, good, it stopped." " Ah." " Ha." "Good." " Hell with it." " Hell with it." "Ah, how about that, eh?" " Pretty amazing." " Yeah." "And no Viagra." " Or Dramamine." " Ha, ha." "We're gonna go again." " Go where?" " We're going." "What, are you cr--?" "Oh, no!" "Ha, ha." "Enough's enough!" "Are you trying to kill me?"