"( theme song playing )" "It is an important and highly secret meeting." "I understand, General Burkhalter." "I doubt it." "Staff officers, generals, admirals from every branch of the forces will attend this meeting." "Strategy meeting?" "What for?" "They've been doing okay." "Generals have to keep busy while everyone else is fighting." "Hammelburg has been chosen because of its proximity to Stalag 13." "Very good planning, General Burkhalter." "Klink, shut up and listen." "Yes, sir." "Shut up and listen." "The conference will begin on the 15th." "The night before, on the 14th, you will arrange a dinner party-- a banquet-- just to start things off on a friendly basis with, uh, plenty of Gemutlichkeit." "( chuckles ):" "Exactly as I would have done it." "Really?" "We'll go ahead with it anyway." "I shall make all the arrangements-- the banquet, security, everything." "I will be at Berchtesgaden, so the entire affair is your responsibility." "I need the cooperation of everyone connected with this conference." "We'll cooperate, won't we?" "( all talking at once )" "I knew I could count on you." "Here are the names of the officers who will attend this meeting." "For your eyes only." "Yes, sir." "Memorize it and destroy it." "The finest military minds in all of the Third Reich." "Mm-hmm, mm-hmm." "General Kordle..." "Very impressive list." "( chuckles )" "It doesn't have the name "Colonel Klink" in there." "Probably an oversight at headquarters." "I consider it the perfect oversight." "( laughs )" "Kinch, I'll need a camera right away." "Right." "I also need five minutes in Klink's office, alone." "Oh, sure." "Come on, fellas, just follow my lead." "We got to stall them a little bit." "What do you want us to do?" "Pick up some dusters and rags." "Let's go." "HOGAN:" "Colonel." "Colonel." "May I talk to you a moment?" "Not now, Hogan." "Can't you see" "I'm busy with the general?" "Sorry, sir." "It's personal." "Wait for me in my office." "Thank you, sir." "All right, make it shine." "SCHULTZ:" "What's the matter with you?" "!" "Are you crazy?" "Just a moment!" "What is the meaning of this?" "It's pride, sir." "You can't expect the general to return to Berlin from Stalag 13 with a dirty car." "Get them out of here." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "No, no." "Let them finish." "Small matter." "Yes, sir." "Proceed." "Sir, I must apologize, but sometimes they act like little children." "Right, but we've got the most wonderful daddy in the whole world." "KLINK:" "I have no idea where it is." "It's probably somewhere in the files." "Please look for it." "This is absolutely ridiculous." "You've got to be able to find it." "So, Hogan, you were very anxious to see me." "Something personal, you said." "Yes, sir." "The entertainment committee is planning another show in a few weeks, and they'd like you to be master of ceremonies." "Perhaps do a violin solo?" "What's so personal about that?" "I didn't want to say anything in front of General Burkhalter." "He might resent your talent." "That was very wise." "General Burkhalter plays the mandolin." "And badly." "Then I can give the entertainment committee the green light, sir?" "No, Hogan, you cannot." "Last year, my name was in the same size and type as Sergeant Schultz." "And all he can do is make animal noises." "Yeah, well, look." "We'll put your solo in the top spot, right next to closing, and I guarantee star billing." "I'll think about it." "You do that, sir." "And take your time." "Hello." "Look at this." "General Kordle, Wehrmacht..." "Beckman, SS..." "Wilhelm, Panzer..." "Admiral Donner..." "CARTER:" "Real brass." "Top men in the monster division." "Kinch should have gotten all that information off to London by now." "Carter, watch the door." "LeBEAU:" "Want some food?" "No, just coffee." "Okay." "London had some information on the meeting, but didn't know the location." "It's a logistic and supply briefing for an all-out offensive." "They want the Kraut generals knocked off." "By who?" "By us." "LeBEAU:" "They must be kidding." "Come on, Colonel." "NEWKIRK:" "Colonel, look, we've blown up bridges, railway stations, munitions plants." "I mean, we've done a lot of dodgy things and gotten clean away." "But, sir, knocking off those Kraut generals?" "No, sir." "Too much bloody risk." "LeBEAU:" "That's absolute suicide." "KINCH:" "Yeah, how come London can't do it from the air?" "CARTER:" "Yeah, that's a good idea." "What about that, Colonel?" "NEWKIRK:" "Colonel, I surveyed the men in the ranks, and the men are overwhelmingly in favor of bombing." "From London." "The minute that meeting starts, every flack battery in Messerschmitt squadron from here to the Channel will be on a ten-second alert." "20% of an attacking force might get through, and that's a big maybe." "Yeah, well, our percentage might not be that good." "That's right." "But, if we can stop that offensive, we might save a lot of lives." "Now, anyone who wants to can sit this one out." "Volunteers only." "Kinch?" "Okay, I'm in." "LeBeau?" "( sighs )" "Oui, d'accord, I'll go along." "It's been nice knowing all of you." "Newkirk?" "I'm still thinking about it." "Carter?" "Oh, I got nothing else to do." "I finished my woodworking class in Barracks Five." "I made a very pretty salad bowl." "Carter." "Well, there's no law against being a coward, is there?" "I'm with you, sir." "That's the best kind." "Let's go." "You were just kidding, weren't you?" "All right, it's got to be an inside job, and the best time is that first night when they're all together for the banquet." "We poison their Wiener Schnitzel." "We got to come on stronger than that." "We need access to the banquet room at the hotel." "KINCH:" "Fine, but how?" "We need a man who's experienced in catering and food." "And speaks German fluently." "We'll need him in 48 hours." "Have to arrange a drop point, signals, the works." "KINCH:" "Right." "Carter, I want you to start thinking." "Well, we're dead before we start." "We need a couple of bombs, maybe more." "They've got to be disguised so they look natural in a banquet room." "And they'll need timers." "Think you can swing it?" "Boy, that's a tough one, Colonel." "A man who can make a salad bowl?" "Please." "Captain Jacques Mornay, Colonel Hogan." "Hi." "Basic Frenchman's very emotional." "You've, uh, met the rest of the fellas?" "Yes." "All right, good." "How are you?" "Do the Germans, especially the Gestapo, have a file on you?" "I don't think so, Colonel." "When a man is in the Free French, usually they try to get at him through his family." "They have left mine alone." "That's very good, because tomorrow you're coming into Stalag 13 as a collaborator working for the Gestapo." "Kinch, what's the setup with the underground?" "We've got a car, a driver and a uniform-- Gestapo." "The plan is to meet the sergeant here in two and a half hours." "They'll hide him overnight, and then bring him into camp tomorrow morning." "All right." "Now, Mornay, your mission here is to prepare a banquet for a meeting of Kraut generals." "It's on the 14th." "Newkirk." "Yes, sir." "Because you're a collaborator, here's your identity card countersigned by the Gestapo." "Oh, it's perfect." "I have seen them." "All right." "Here are your instructions and your authorization to work on the banquet." "Here's a list of the generals who will be there." "Memorize it." "It might come in handy." "Mm-hmm." "This is the most efficient organization I've ever seen." "Thank you very much, sir." "If all the armies were like this, the war would soon be over." "Yeah, it'd be great for the world, but we'd be out of a swell job." "I figure about four or five of these will probably be enough." "And you can set them right there on the table with the other decorations and the flower and stuff, because I'm going to build a box right over all these things." "And it's going to be a flag stand, see?" "That's great." "Each explosive pack is going to have a timer just like this." "And you can adjust it from the bottom 'cause I'm going to fix it so it hinges on the box." "That's good." "Good." "And, well, get this, boy" " I mean Colonel." "You can set this timer for 12 hours." "Maybe even 13." "Carter, you're a genius." "Well, I wouldn't go that far." "No, I really mean it." "You're a genius." "Maybe I'd go that far." "( phone rings )" "General Burkhalter." "Heil Hitler." "Klink here." "Klink, sir." "Yes." "I have a man here who was sent to me by the Gestapo." "His name is Jacques Mornay." "His identity card is countersigned by Gestapo section nine." "He has orders to assist with the dinner party, and he knows the names of the guests." "Now, I consider that an insult, sending a man here to spy on us, and I..." "Yes, sir." "Cooperate with the Gestapo, and keep my big mouth shut." "Yes, sir." "Heil Hitler." "Sergeant Schultz, see to it that Monsieur Mornay has adequate quarters and all the assistance he needs." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "It will be done." "Merci beaucoup, Colonel." "( knocking on door )" "Excuse me, Commandant." "May I have a word with you?" "Hogan, why is it, every time I am busy, you manage to show up?" "I don't know." "Just lucky, I guess." "Our business is finished for the moment, Colonel." "Or... one more thing." "I would require the services of a good chef." "Yes!" "I was going to suggest Corporal Hinkelman." "He cooks for the officers' mess." "Hinkelman is wonderful!" "He makes the best pigs' feet." "He chops them up, and then he puts a little paprika on, a little salt, and a little bit of bay leaf, and then he sautés it..." "And it still tastes like pigs' feet." "What we need is a very good chef." "Now, the problem is where to find one." "Let me think." "I don't care what you say," "I'm not going to do it." "You won't?" "No." "And that's final!" "What are you two mumbling about?" "Oh, he wants me to ask Corporal LeBeau to cook for you." "I do?" "If you think he's going to slave over a hot stove for the enemy..." "That's enough, Hogan." "Um... your entertainment committee wants me to be the master of ceremonies for their show?" "And do a violin solo, sir." "I will consent if your man LeBeau will work with Monsieur Mornay." "It's hard to refuse." "KLINK:" "And, if he agrees," "I must have your word there will be no attempt at an escape." "Oh..." "I'll do it." "I'll go talk to LeBeau." "I think I can talk him into it." "He loves violin solos." "You see?" "When one knows how, there's always a way to solve these little problems." "Bonjour, Colonel." "Right on time, Mornay." "Have some coffee?" "Merci." "What's the story?" "Well, I was taken to the hotel by your Colonel Klink." "He showed me the banquet room and the kitchen." "I have made a rough sketch." "And the menu for the dinner." "Good." "All set, Colonel." "Newkirk, watch the door, huh?" "I got five of them." "Table decorations-- the kind that explode." "Oh, magnifique." "Carter showed me how to set the timers, Colonel." "Tomorrow, LeBeau and I will go to the hotel at 9:00 in the morning." "First, we set the table, then we go to the kitchen and prepare the dinner." "Mm-hmm." "The timers will work for 12 hours, so LeBeau can set 'em whenever he wants to." "Let's have a look at the floor plans again, huh?" "Uh!" "It's kind of sensitive stuff." "Sorry." "May I show you the layouts, Colonel?" "Go ahead." "The hall outside the banquet room." "And the room itself with a long table, the bar, and on this side is a dumbwaiter leading to the kitchen on the floor below." "All the food has to come up the dumbwaiter?" "Oui." "And served from here." "( door opens )" "Kraut's coming." "Watch it." "Scatter." "SCHULTZ:" "Achtung!" "At ease." "Oh, what a pleasant surprise-- our commandant." "Monsieur Mornay, you were seen leaving your quarters." "Just a few details in the menu." "The barracks are off limits to all civilians." "Now, you finish your business here and then return to your room." "Oui, at once." "Flags for the banquet table, Colonel." "I brought them with me from Berlin." "Mm-hmm, mm-hmm." "Seems quite heavy." "We made it that way." "We, we don't want them to tip over into the salad." "Yeah, you wouldn't want mayonnaise on your swastika." "Mayonnaise?" "Herr Kommandant, there is no mayonnaise on the menu." "Silence!" "Oh, shut up." "Dismissed." "This room will be sealed off until 7:30 tonight." "Double all security orders." "The guests will arrive at 7:30." "Cocktails first." "Banquet starts at 8:30." "You will remain in the kitchen until that time." "Oui, Colonel." "I received a call from Berlin." "There is an additional guest coming-- a General Felix Mercer." "That's all." "We need a few more pots and pans in the kitchen." "Oh, yes." "I almost forgot." "Uh, Colonel, please, may I go back to the camp for more pots and pans?" "You arrange it, Schultz." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "Now, back to camp!" "March!" "One, two, three, four..." ""Felix Mercer, top allied agent." "Reports to British Intelligence."" "According to this, he's a VIP in the spy department." "More good news, Colonel." ""Urgent, repeat, urgent." "No harm to Mercer." "Protect at all cost." "Cancel plan."" "We got a peck of trouble." "We could stop the timers when Klink lets us back into the banquet room." "We can't take the chance." "Look, tell Klink you need more help in the kitchen; more waiters." "I'll go back to the hotel with you." "We'll take Carter, the munitions king." "Yes, he could disarm the bombs." "If we get the chance." "There's the hall and the door." "Dumbwaiter." "Carter, get in there." "Good." "Get your feet in." "I can't!" "That's as far as I can go!" "Get out." "LeBeau?" "Sorry, Colonel." "Yeah?" "Can you stop those timers?" "I think so, Colonel." "Try." "Okay." "Okay?" "Yeah." "Go." "Good luck." "Have a nice trip." "Thank you." "Bonjour." "Just testing." "Don't play the jack." "He's saving them." "I am so very happy you could join us, General Mercer." "And so am I." "Thank you." "I don't think I heard your name correctly." "Klink, sir." "Colonel Wilhelm Klink." "In charge of security." "A cohost." "You might say." "I would not." "No." "Oh, General, your glass is empty." "Mornay, another drink for the General, please." "Ah." "Your drink, sir." "Merci, bien." "Oh, the General speaks French." "( speaks French )" "Oui, General." "( speaks French )" "In exactly 17 minutes, that room takes off for the moon." "Pull those bombs out of there." "Use any excuse." "Colonel, Mercer speaks French." "I can get him alone, explain what we are doing..." "By now, he's been told you're a Gestapo collaborator." "Would he believe you?" "All right, I'll do what I can." "Wait a minute." "Hold it." "You say Mercer speaks French?" "Yes." "That may be it." "Go back in and tell Klink to start the dinner." "The food's ready-- anything." "Get them seated and then come back out here fast." "All right, sir." "( laughter and conversation )" "Gentlemen, your attention, please." "I have just been informed that dinner is served." "Will you take your places, please?" "Thank you." "KLINK:" "Please follow me, General Mercer." "I want you to start an argument real loud in French." "Now, keep it going." "Don't let anybody stop you but Mercer." "Go." "Right." "( yelling in French )" "Each of you will receive a complete set of flags" "( argument continues outside ) indicating supply depots... and the routes the convoys will use to the various forces." "( loud argument continues )" "These plans are not to leave this room." "I repeat, are not to leave this room." "I know." "I know." "I'll handle it, sir." "What is going on here?" "!" "Stop that noise at once!" "I'm trying to, sir!" "Schultz, break it up!" "You break it up, you won't have a banquet!" "What's going on?" "!" "They can't hear me in there!" "They're having a fight in French!" "Klink, arrest this man!" "If I do, there'll be no banquet." "Can anyone speak to them in their own language?" "That's a good idea." "Break it up!" "Can anyone speak French?" "Get General Mercer." "General Mercer." "Stop it!" "General, there's some trouble here." "Speak to these men in French!" "Make them stop!" "( speaking French )" "Shh!" "Orders from London to get you out, General." "Those centerpieces in there are loaded with explosives." "That whole room goes up in ten minutes." "Then you've got to stop it." "Those plans are much more important than any general." "They show every supply depot in France." "They just issued us with a complete set." "It's going to be close." "All right, look." "Give me a few minutes head start." "Go back and expose the bombs and clear the room." "All right." "What about the plan?" "Make sure you're the last one out." "Close the door, leave your set on the table." "Right." "All right, back to the kitchen." "Now, look, someone's got to go up that dumbwaiter and get the plans off the table before the bomb goes off." "Someone?" "Someone?" "My point is that they don't give enough consideration..." "I wish I was six-feet tall." "Now, look, you got less than five minutes, so if anything goes wrong, forget the plans and come back down." "And if Carter's bombs go off one second early," "I'll never speak to him again." "All right." "All right, Mornay, the car will be waiting out back for you." "As soon as the plans come down, you take off." "...when they should be looking at plans, they are looking at..." "What I simply want to say is you cannot..." "Achtung!" "These decorations are bombs!" "Everybody leave at once!" "( clamoring )" "Any second now." "All right." "( explosion )" "Good luck." "Get going." "Thank you." "Carter, I'll never talk to you again." "What's the matter?" "The bombs were one minute late." "Thank you for your information." "Heil Hitler." "That was General Burkhalter." "He discovered that Mornay was not authorized by the Gestapo." "He was a fake." "A saboteur." "I realized it the moment I laid eyes on him." "We will find this Mornay." "Oh, Hogan, I'm going to be extremely busy for the next few weeks." "I'm afraid I cannot rehearse your show." "What a pity." ""Stalag 13 Presents" ""'Escapes of 1943'" ""Starring Col. Wilhelm Klink and his violin."" "Beautiful!" "I, uh, might just have a little time for your show." "After all, morale is important, too." "Hambone." "He plays the violin, there will be a mass escape." "Every prisoner is going to go over the wall." "Well..." "No show!" "No show." "I couldn't stand being alone in Stalag 13."