"I don't believe it." "They're guilty." "They are guilty!" "You're making moonshine, and I got orders to nail you." "You're under arrest." "You know, Bo?" "This just ain't our day." "AII right!" "Y'all settle down and hang around." "That's Bo and Luke Duke." "From the way they're duded up, they got something cooking." "It ain't girls.... 'cause it's still daylight." "That's Uncle Jesse, the Duke patriarch." "And that means he's the boss." "It's about time you two got here." "You know Agent Roach gets mad when he has to wait." "Look here." "Yeah, that's that contest I heard about on the radio." "The prize is gonna be given a week from Monday." "Sure don't give us much time." "Time for what?" "Make no difference to us." "Sure it does." "We can think of something." "Sure you can." "If you'd get a combustion engine to run on hot air." "Come on." "R. HuntIey?" "We're here to see Andy Roach." "Agent Roach was promoted to the atlanta office." "I've replaced him as agent here in Hazzard County." "That's too bad." "I mean about Andy being in atlanta and all." "The traffic and all them people that don't know each other." "What is it you are here to see Mr. Roach about?" "We're supposed to report here quarterly." "Duke's the name." "That'd be Jesse L., and these are my two nephews." "Here it is, right here." ""Lucas K. and Beauregard."" "That's just Bo, ma'am." "I can't believe this." "This office made a deal with...." "Moonshiners." "That's the word you're looking for, ma'am." "Andy Roach got permission from higher up." "He must have." ""Lucas K. and" "Bo!" ""...regard..." ""in return for their freedom, they are never to make or sell whiskey again."" "Correct." "I would have never made a deal." "nevertheless, a deal was made and we've kept to our end of it." "Good day to you, R. HuntIey." "That's Miss HuntIey." "Oh, I believe that." "hold it, Duke boys." "Just hold it." "Your brake light is out on your vehicle." "Thank you, Sheriff." "You're welcome." "But if you try to move it one inch on a thoroughfare, without fixing it..." "I'II cite you seven ways from Sunday... and then I'm going to revoke your driver's license." "Thank you, Sheriff." "We'II keep it in mind." "You do that." "Bye." "I cannot believe that those Dukes are not still making 'shine." "Their family's been doing it ever since Washington cut down that magnolia tree." "I believe it was cherry." "Whatever it is." "Why would they quit?" "Because they gave their word." "Oh, shoot." "Come on, Rosco, they're just down-home country people." "Andy Roach feels they can be trusted." "I'm a down-home country person... as much as a bowl of grits, and I can't be trusted." "well, if I was one of the Dukes." "They're guilty." "They are guilty!" "Of what?" "Nobody's innocent." "You know, Sheriff, that's an interesting outlook for a lawman." "Thank you." "Hey, uncle Jesse." "Get back." "blast it, Cooter!" "Don't call me uncle Jesse." "I got enough people calling me that." "Yes, uncle...." "Mr. Duke." "What are you doing under there, anyway?" "TaiIIight wire shorted out." "You know how Rosco is." "Do you need some help?" "No, sir, I already got it." "And you'd get all greasy." "With me it don't matter no more." "Cooter buddy." "Hey, y'aII." "I fixed your taillight." "That's just going to make Rosco's day." "Thanks a Iot, Cooter." "Look here, we just bought some genuine copper tubing." "It's the real thing, all right." "What'd you get that for?" "For lots of things." "Stuff lasts forever." "We bought him all out of it." "Good idea. 'Cause all you can get nowadays is see-through plastic." "Look at them Duke boys." "They got 100 feet of copper tubing with them." "Buying copper tubing is not illegal." "It is, if it's attached to a still, deep in the woods." "It's probably for their truck." "Maybe for their car." "And maybe my Aunt TiIIy's had a sex change, and is now my uncle." "tell you what I'm gonna do:" "I'm gonna get out there in that woods... and I'm gonna find that still." "And then, I'm gonna get them Duke boys, and I'm gonna" "would you do that if my predecessor Agent Roach was still here?" "Shoot, no." "He's a man, and you're..." "a woman." "Sheriff, Iet me assure you... your aunt is not your uncle, the Dukes are not making moonshine... unless and until I catch them so doing." "I will be the one to seek, search out, and destroy... any illegal stills operating here in Hazzard County." "well, you" "Ten-four and out." "Shoot." "I am what to 3 gallons?" "Rationed, uncle Jesse, just 3 gallons of gas." "When you was a little boy, I used to put you over my knee and whup you." "You want me to do that again?" "You see, uncle...." "Mr. Jesse... the company truck just comes once a week now, instead of every night." "Why's that?" "We ain't in Russia, are we?" "hello, Dukes." "Y'aII heard about the big contest?" "What about it?" "I ain't in the energy business." "Ain't you?" "How's about moonshining?" "We definitely ain't in that." "How'd moonshining get into this?" "That's about energy and contest." "You remember, we made a couple of bootleg runs years ago." "And once, we run out of gas." "And you poured some of your prime high moonshine into my tank?" "And your car ran on it." "That's it." "That's what I'm talking about." "I'm not interested in no $20,000." "I ain't, neither." "Sometimes, it's just as hard to figure out what Boss is interested in... as it is to figure out what he's really talking about." "What are you interested in?" "The royals." "The hot damn royaIs." "The what?" "He means the royalties." "That's right." "Every gallon of moonshine they pump into your gas tank... you and I get the royals." "You?" "How did you get into this all of a sudden?" "It's my idea." "Now, just a minute." "I made a deal with the U.S.A. Government... that if they didn't jail my boys, I wouldn't make no whiskey." "They've stuck to their end of the deal, so we're sticking to ours." "Just think about it, uncle Jesse." "The way them Arabs got us by the throat, selling us that oil at such a big markup." "Sure." "And if they keep on doing that... why, they'II be buying up Hazzard County, just like they are atlanta." "Hazzard County?" "Think of the service we'd be doing for our country." "cleaning up the air, we stop air pollution." "Stop little kids from getting sinus trouble, smog sickness... and all around general flux of the nose." "AII right!" "Brodie, gas up my new partner." "Just a minute, Mr. Hogg." "I'II be picking my own partners." "I'II be waiting." "Best we go up and see how that old works is standing to the weather." "Grab that, Bo." "I got it." "I have hunted skunk not 20 feet... from this very spot, and never knew this was here." "well, that's the idea, Cooter." "general and specific." "It's been here all this time." "And it'II shine like a new penny." "I'd say it shines about, Iike, 20,000 dimes." "It shines like a sky full of fresh air to me." "She's ready to fire up." "Let's get at her." "Explaining something, anything, to Rosco is never easy." "But this time, the ball seems to be getting through." "Rosco, look, the U.S.A... the whole wide world, excepting of course, for the Arabs... searching for a substitute for fossil fuel." "Now, I know that he's gonna break his treaty with the government..." "and mix up a batch." "And why?" "Why?" "Because he's a patriot." "He wants to help his country... find a substitute for fossil fuel." "What is it?" "And don't ask me what kind of fuels do fossils run on." "What I want to ask you is, who "he" is?" "He?" "Who is "he"?" "You said that he was going to break the treaty with his government." "And he will, too." "The trouble is, I don't mind him helping his country." "It's the royals." "I know he'II hog them to himself." "probably." "I want those royaIs." "You want the royals." "Right." "That's it." "Now, get out of here." "Let me think." "What's royal?" "Who is "he"?" "And what kind of fuel do fossils run on?" "He's doing it." "He's firing up that still." "Just what I was saying." "I knew it." "The minute I saw them Dukes buying that copper tubing..." "I said to myself, "Rosco, they're making moonshine again."" "I'm going to get them." "You're going to be proud of me." "You will not harass them Dukes while they're making their moonshine." "When you say not, you mean no?" "I mean no." "They are to be left alone till they go to transporting." "Then move in." "And then I'II just get them." "I'II just...." "You get them." "And I get the 'shine." "Boss, what's so special about Jesse Duke's moonshine?" "He makes the only whiskey in the world you could measure in octanes." "I told you not to run this vat until I measured the proof." "You all right?" "Yes, sir." "Sit down." "We'd better cut this mixture by about half." "Good thing that the vat blew, instead of the still." "If the still had blown, there'd be a big hole in this country... right where we're standing." "I think I crushed my gizzard." "You suppose Bo went all the way to Cuba for that sugar?" "He figures we'II have the work done by the time he gets back." "well, she's getting prime." "He'd better get here pretty quick." "Whoever it is, likes the sound of tin cans on a trip wire." "They're on the south wire." "That means they're right on top of us." "You'd better check it out." "Cooter, you stay here." "My folks think I'm kind of cute." "I'm sorry." "You scared me." "You lost, ma'am?" "Look here, Luke." "The fisher lady." "It's more like a fisher person." "How many of you are there?" "How many was you looking for?" "I'm not looking for anyone." "Just fishing." "tell me something." "What are you going to catch with a dry fly on a casting rod, pneumonia?" "No, I'm trying something new." "I smell smoke." "That's my after-shave." "Are these woods on fire?" "I did smell smoke." "We were just cooking up a batch of grits." "You had breakfast yet?" "Ma'am, I wouldn't...." "That is pure...." "One whiff of that fuseI oil has knocked out a grizzly bear." "We'd best cut that down just a mite more." "roll her over, so she can get some air." "Take that wig off, so she can get some circulation around her head up there." "Her wig?" "That's another lady's hair she's wearing." "That's Miss HuntIey." "She don't know no more about hunting than she does fishing." "Check her pockets." "Here we go." "Revenuer." "She's a whole lot better looking than Agent Roach was." "She replaced him." "I'II run the mash into the creek." "And you guys bring her around." "No, that'd be a crime." "That's the only evidence there is." "We got to get rid of it." "well, there's gonna be some happy fish in that creek." "You think we ought to give her mouth-to-mouth recreation?" "You mean resuscitation." "Maybe, but I bet I'm a whole lot closer to the truth than you are." "You're under arrest." "Maybe it's his technique." "I'm under arrest." "Or maybe it's your technique." "Maybe." "You're under arrest." "I'm serious." "If you're serious, you'II be wanting these." "What's the charge?" "Making illegal whiskey." "Where is the evidence?" "Your evidence is gone with the wind." "That's catchy." "Listen, you swore to me you'd quit moonshining." "We ain't making moonshine, we're making fuel." "fuel?" "Yeah, fuel to help stop air pollution." "I was warned you Dukes would have some pretty weird excuses." "No, there's a poster in the courthouse." "A contest for a non-poIIuting fuel substitute." "So we're entering some of Jesse's finest." "Does it work?" "Knocked you on your fanny didn't it?" "AII I know is, you're making moonshine, and I got orders to nail you." "I'm going to bird-dog you till I do." "With no liquor, you got no case." "And we got no chance to solve that pollution problem." "And winning the $20,000." "Now that completely slipped my mind." "If you let us make some moonshine, you have a chance at cracking this case." "That's simple enough, ain't it?" "hold it." "You're proposing" "A 24-hour truce." "You let us run off a batch." "Then, if you nail us, you win." "If not, we win." "Sounds fair enough to me." "Beats going back empty-handed, don't it?" "You can even stay with us." "That way you can watch our every move." "And you can sleep with Daisy." "Your dog?" "No." "No, Daisy's our cousin." "She's a girl, too." "And if you Iike country ham, red beans, and rice, you can come for supper." "My truck's down the hill." "You can ride in with me." "Here you go." "If you boys can keep her busy tonight..." "Cooter and me will come up here and run off another batch." "Our uncle Jesse's got style." "He sure does." "The still is got to be up here somewhere." "That explosion came from here." "We're going to find it, and then we'II bust them" "How am I going to lay my hands on a batch of Jesse's prime..." "if we bust them before they make it?" "Yeah, that would be tough." "We're just gonna locate that still, so we'II know when they've made a batch." "You got that straight?" "Then we throw up a roadblock, catch them, and bust them... and throw Luke and Bo in jail." "And I can take some of Jesse's high-octane moonshine to that contest." "Like it was your own." "Like it was my own." "Looks like Boss and Rosco in disguise." "You reckon they can swim?" "I don't believe it." "My first case in the field..." "I faiI to make the arrest, I get my cover blown..." "I make a deal with the moonshiners..." "I end up taking a bath in their kitchen." "If headquarters finds out about this one..." "I'II be back in the typing pool." "Don't you worry about a thing, honey." "You're going to get the hang of it." "We'II help you." "Our family has broke in and wore out more revenue agents than anybody." "Are you serious?" "Sure am." "Agents BerkIy and RagsdaIe finally retired, but they still send us Christmas cards." "And Agent Joe Higgins named his oldest boy after uncle Jesse." "But they were trying to lock you up." "Can't hold that against them." "Just trying to do their job." "well, I certainly appreciate your attitude." "No big thing." "Y'aII are just folks." "Like everybody else." "Daisy?" "Stay out of here, Bo." "Roxanne's naked as a jaybird." "I know, that's what I came down for." "I mean, I brought her something to wear." "well, Bo." "Just hand it in here." "Look!" "I got it right out of your closet." "Bo, you get out of here." "And stay out of my closet!" "I just thought that Roxanne would Iike some good clothes to go juking in." "What's that?" "You've never been juking?" "Now, for all you culturally deprived... juking is an event that combines music... exercise, and social intercourse on a high plane." "You don't have to slow down for me." "I Ioved it." "I'm not worried about you." "You're a regular bobcat." "That's a compliment, I hope." "I'm just full of them." "Come on." "delicious." "This stuff couldn't even hold a torch to uncle Jesse's." "I expect to taste that pretty soon." "That tastes like water." "It is water, dummy." "Now put it back." "She's serving Bo plain water in a fruit jar." "Maybe he ordered it that way." "If I was you, I'd maybe kind of cut down on that stuff." "If I was you, I'd ask me to dance again." "You want to dance again?" "Yeah." "Luke, I sure would Iike to meet that lady." "Not tonight, Enos." "well, you fix me up." "I've got something you want." "Okay, Enos." "tell you what." "An even up trade." "You tell me what you know, and I'II introduce you to Roxanne." "Okay, then." "Boss Hogg... he knows you Dukes are going to make a liquor run to that contest." "And he's got Sheriff Rosco setting up roadblocks to catch y'aII." "You see, Boss Hogg doesn't want you all winning that contest." "I appreciate it, Enos." "I owe you one." "You sure do." "Don't you forget I mean to collect." "Consider her yours, Enos." "You're afraid I can outdrink you." "No, I'm not." "Yes, you are." "I know you can't." "I can outdance you, and I can outdrink you." "I'm now going to drink you under the table." "Look out for the chair." "Y'all getting it now?" "Bo and Luke figured to get her all passed-out and out of the way." "For about 12 hours." "Early next morning, they unveiled sweet Tillie." "A real sweetheart with a leaded body, a hard engine, and racing shocks." "Jesse and Tillie were a legend." "Though he hadn't made a run with her in several years... old Jesse kept her tuned up and ready." "Rosco will spot this night runner for sure." "He'II go through this thing... from frame to engine block looking for the 'shine." "Yeah, and Luke and I'II have it all the time." "No, I'm going to do the running." "But if you got it in the car with you, then they'II find it." "Not if it's hid right." "How can you hide it?" "That, my friend, is the trick." "I sure hope uncle Jesse had a good night cooking." "You don't never have to worry about uncle Jesse." "He'II be there." "I never doubted that." "Don't move." "Caught you in the act." "Sheriff, we might be just wasting our time." "What do you mean wasting our time?" "Enos, I'm telling you, up in those hills somewhere..." "Jesse Duke is cooking moonshine." "And doubIe-crossing his own partner." "Who's his own partner?" "Boss Hogg, that's who." "You reckon Jesse knows that?" "Enos, of course he knows it." "Whenever I doubIe-cross somebody, I know who I'm doubIe-crossing." "No, sir, I mean, does Jesse know him and Boss are partners?" "You don't doubIe-cross strangers." "How's Jesse doubIe-crossing Boss?" "By not telling him where the still is." "He probably won't never neither." "It don't make no difference." "Because what we're gonna do is let old Jesse Duke make that moonshine... and bottle it, and then fetch it down here, and then we're going to grab it." "Guess who?" "Shoot!" "You know, Bo, this just ain't our day." "I got you!" "Give me those keys." "Sheriff, please stand back." "This is a federal arrest." "You pulling a gun on me, lady?" "For Pete's sake!" "Didn't think I'd get you, did you?" "I tell you...." "Come here." "Here." "Don't you faII now." "Here, Iet me have those." "Give me those." "Now, listen to me." "I'm a federal officer." "Yeah?" "What kind of federal officer points a gun at a duly constituted sheriff?" "Give me that." "Now, it didn't take you long to tie up with these Duke boys, did it?" "well, now I got you, I'm gonna put you all in my sIammer." "Right, Enos?" "Lock them up." "Yes, sir." "Come on, get out." "I'm coming." "Come on, Bo, hurry up." "I ain't gonna mess with you." "You too, miss." "I'm sorry about this, Bo." "It's okay, man." "I hate doing this to y'aII, Luke." "especially to you, ma'am." "Enos, you ain't supposed to be friendly with the prisoners." "Get them in there and get going." "Come on." "Yes, sir." "will you get on with them?" "Yes." "Get on." "Don't drop them bottles, Rosco." "No way." "We got it." "There it is." "That's the batch, all right." "Get it in the trunk." "We got them Dukes this time." "God damn, I Iove it." "I'm entitled to a telephone call." "I know that, ma'am." "As soon as I get these boys locked up, you can make it." "Enos, I know you're just doing your duty." "But you're making a terrible mistake." "Yes, ma'am." "Y'all stick around for the barbecue, you hear?" "AII right, Enos." "Don't either one of you move, or I'm going to drop this in there... and we're just going to have a big Roman candle." "Don't drop it, Bo." "I'm going to, if either of you move." "You wouldn't." "Sure I would." "We ain't going to prison for nobody." "Anything you say, Bo." "Give me your gun, Enos." "Bo, I wouldn't use this on you." "Give me your gun." "We know you wouldn't use it, Enos." "But she might." "You're putting her in there with him?" "I promised to fix him up with her, didn't I?" "You promised me if I arrested you fair and square that you wouldn't resist." "Yeah, but you didn't arrest us fair and square." "You got them matches, Bo?" "Right in my hand." "You'II blow us all up!" "well, you don't give me any choice." "You question our honor." "Oh, no!" "Don't do it, Bo." "Don't, pIease" "You all can come down off that wall now." "It's only water." "Water?" "That's right." "You arrested us for transporting water." "How was I supposed to know it was water?" "A revenue agent ought to be able to tell moonshine from water." "She had no trouble telling the difference last night at the Boars Nest." "Enos, I'm afraid we're going to have to borrow your squad car." "We was raised together, but you're going too far." "That's county property, Luke." "I'II get you Dukes, no matter what." "Bye, now." "I can't understand them boys." "I mean, that's real dishonest, passing water off as moonshine." "Don't you see, Enos?" "They weren't passing water off as moonshine." "They were running a blind for Jesse." "Sheriff Rosco's seen cars like this before." "He knows a runner when he sees one." "Okay, put her right there." "Shut her down." "She's riding a little low, ain't she Jesse?" "well." "We're going to have to look at her." "help yourself." "AII right, boy, take her apart." "AII right." "Come on, get going." "For now, Boss Hogg is all fixed-up with a jug of high-octane moonshine." "He's off to the contest with nothing to stop him." "AII right." "It's clean as a pin." "You poured out that booze before you got here, didn't you?" "I don't know what you're talking about." "Shoot." "I want this car put back exactly like it was... or I'm going to sue the county." "You wouldn't." "WouIdn't I?" "Boys, put her back the way she was." "Did you ever see a smugger man in all your born days?" "Old Boss is sitting pretty... 'cause he knows the Duke family moonshine will run a motor... is a pretty fair antifreeze, and a darn good remedy for warts and catarrh." "Right now, Boss is happier than a hog knee-deep in slop." "The contest rules state that you either provide a pollution-free engine... or a clean fuel that runs an internal-combustion engine." "And old Boss can hardly wait." "well, what have we here?" "What I've got here is a winner." "What does it run on?" "Horse manure." "It's ready to fire." "You put the horse manure in the hopper... you turn the switch, and the gas formed creates instant combustion." "well, go ahead." "Howdy, Your Honor." "My name is Hogg." "AII right, Mr. Hogg, Iet's get to it." "And you can forget the "Your Honor."" "Yes, sir." "AII right, boy, you heard the man." "Get to it." "I'm getting it, Boss." "Yes siree, Bob." "Good old U.S.A. is gonna be mighty happy with this." "Ain't gonna have to worry about them Arabs anymore, nor their oil." "That there liquid in that jug is going to change history." "And the name of Hogg will go into the books... along with Edison, fulton, Morse..." "Whitney, Graham BeII" "Mr." "Hogg, I think he's ready now." "Yes, so he is." "AII right, boy, turn it over." "Let her rip." "Something wrong with your engine." "There's nothing wrong with that engine, sir." "Any other entrants?" "hold on, there." "You've got to give me another shot at this." "There's a fortune at stake here." "Mr. Hogg, you've just about run out of time." "would it be all right if I gave her a try?" "We have a few minutes yet." "Why don't you go ahead?" "Jesse Duke." "What the heck are you doing here?" "Purifying the air, Mr. Hogg." "will it be all right if I use this machine?" "Seeing as that one is full of water." "Sure." "Water?" "You mean that's water in that jug?" "I think that should be enough." "Give her a twirl." "What is that fuel?" "Whiskey, moonshine whiskey." "The famous Duke family recipe." "Easy to make and easy to take." "Look at there how she beads up." "Moonshine whiskey." "You're serious?" "Yeah." "Moonshine is one thing uncle Jesse's real serious about." "Here, taste it." "That's incredible." "And it's a great day for our country." "Of course, making corn whiskey ain't quite as legal as it was once." "That doesn't concern me in the least." "It concerns me." "Agent HuntIey, ATF." "I'm arresting these three men and confiscating that whiskey." "You'II do no such thing, young woman." "This whiskey is property now of the United States Government." "And this fine man has just saved his country's economic future." "What this fine man has done is illegal." "Laws can be changed." "Yes, fine." "But until they are, he's under arrest." "If this don't tear the feathers out of a duck." "This is ridiculous." "I'm calling my supervisor." "Why don't you just tell him we said hey?" "well, I guess we won the contest." "well, not exactly, Mr. Duke." "The results have to be sent back to Washington for feasibility studies." "feasibility?" "We have to find out if your product is practical, how difficult it is to make." "It's easy to make." "It's hard to deliver." "You've got to go through roadblocks." "You've got to get the revenue agent drunk." "You've got to sneak around, and you've got to...." "hell with it." "Come on, boys." "This ain't no contest." "This is a feasibility rip-off." "Washington." "Come on." "Wait just a minute, you Duke boys." "You're under arrest for stealing my police car." "Here's your keys, Rosco." "We'II ride home with Jesse." "You're not riding home with nobody." "You're under arrest." "If you drop your charges, we'II drop ours." "Yours?" "Yeah, false arrest." "You did arrest us for transporting water, didn't you?" "We got a federal agent as witness." "Rosco!" "What?" "Jackass, why don't you arrest them?" "You heard what they said." "It's not illegal to make whiskey, Boss." "I'm ain't talking making, I'm talking transporting." "How did they do that?" "Pea-brain." "Jesse Duke ran his car down here on it." "He never" "Yeah." "Now he's driving off on more of it." "Come on, Iet's get them." "Listen, 'cause this ain't over yet." "The trouble is just starting." "Now the Dukes have got to keep running till they burn the evidence in Jesse's tank." "Or they're going to be sitting in jail while the government sorts this thing out." "How would you like to be doing that?" "We've got company." "Sit tight, boys." "We'II stay ahead of them until the tank runs dry." "She's giving Rosco what for, back there." "You ever see two hounds fighting over the same bone?" "Well, the Dukes are feeling kind of like that bone." "I think here's where she gets him." "She got him." "Rosco, get me out of here." "Watch it." "Caught my britches." "She's a pretty fair country driver." "Let's just see how she does on dirt." "She keeps this up, I'm gonna have to give her... my Jesse Duke barn shot." "This barn shot worked in '33." "I hope it works now." "You're all under arrest, again." "What for this time?" "Transporting illegal whiskey." "Where?" "The gas tank." "The gas tank is empty." "We just run out." "Young lady... if you really want to be a revenuer, you got to Iearn not to do that." "That's the legend of how Jesse and the boys... made both legal and illegal booze." "And they all made a new friend, especially Bo." "english"