"(bugler blowing fanfare)" "ANNOUNCER:" "(fanfare continues)" "(fanfare continues)" "(fanfare continues)" "(applause)" "(alarm clock ringing)" "(reveille playing)" "(reveille continues)" "(whistle blowing)" "All right, rise and shine, rise and shine." "(men grumbling)" "All right, gentlemen, let's go." "Okay, okay." "Well, that was a wasted night's sleep." "I kept dreaming about my brother." "Well, better luck next time." "No kidding, Rubichek-- either go see a doctor about that snoring or get transferred to the band." "Do something." "Stop beefing." "It's a glorious morning." "Why don't you give her another chance." "Maybe she still loves you." "# It's only a kiss from across... #" "Good morning, Mrs. DiMaggio." "All I asked for was a two-day pass." "So he says to me, "How come 24 years in the army and you're still a private?"" "So I told him, it ain't easy." "All right, Mullen, now don't hand me that stuff." "Your name's on the duty roster, you pull guard duty." "Look, it's like I've been telling you," "I did guard yesterday." "There, see?" "Bilko gives us a break all the time." "One day on and one day off." "All right, all right, I'll put you down for tomorrow." "You report to the motor pool with the rest of the platoon." "Check in with Corporal Barbella." "Hey, Roc." "Yo." "You got Mullen for the pool today." "Hey, Mullen, I happen to have a couple tickets left for the Charleston contest" "Sergeant Bilko's running." "I'm broke." "Hi, Sid." "I got you down for the paint detail, okay?" "Okay." "Listen, Bilko's got a new line of platoon stationery." "Very nice." "Only two dollars a box." "How many would you like?" "Not here, Rocco." "All right, hold it down." "Special detail." "The following men step forward:" "Mulroney, Harrigan, Paparelli, Gander." "You men report at 0900 to Mess Sergeant Sowici for KP." "That's it." "BARBELLA:" "Sick call." "(whistle blowing)" "All right, formation." "Let's go." "Roll call." "Come on, fall in on the double." "Let's go." "All right, tell Sergeant Bilko we're ready for roll call, Roc." "All right." "Come on." "Straighten it up." "Look alive now." "Sergeant Bilko." "What do you want?" "What is it?" "What?" "The men are ready." "Good boy." "Be right with you." "All right, gentlemen, now where were we?" "You raised, Bilko, and I saw you." "What do you got?" "Full house." "(whistle blowing)" "Don't go away." "Be right with you." "Roll call." "Roll call." "Look alive." "On your toes." "Look alive." "Wee-wee, wow-wow." "Roll call, let's go." "Roll call." "Anderson." "Here." "Doberman, Gander, Gomez, Harrigan, Jones," "(men answering)" "Kadowski, McPherson, Mullen, Mulroney, Paparelli," "(men answering)" "Ralibawitz, Rubichek, Zelinka." "(men answering)" "All present and accounted for." "How you doing in there, Sarge?" "You got 'em broke yet?" "You got ten dollars?" "Ten dollars?" "What happened to the $250?" "Want me to stand here on Army time and explain it in front of the platoon?" "Here it is, men-- another complaint." "Lieutenant Bigelow reports that he saw one of our trucks from the motor pool in the drive-in theater last night." "Fortunately, I was able to prove, by the records, it was no man from this platoon." "Kadowski." "Next time don't leave your dog tags on the front seat." "Thanks, Sarge." "Now, men, let's make this the last complaint of this kind we get." "They've been watching this platoon like hawks since last summer, when that tank showed up on the beach." "Sun worshiper." "Now, men, I must have told you a hundred times, if you need transportation, my own car is at your disposal." "It's only ten cents a mile." "The weekly rates are on the bulletin board." "See Corporal Barbella about the group plan." "Sarge, I don't understand." "You lost?" "You?" "To those pigeons in there?" "250 clams?" "I only need ten more dollars." "I'll get it all back." "I got 'em right where I want 'em." "They're getting overconfident." "I gave you every last cent." "Where are we going to get ten dollars?" "You must have..." "Don't go away." "I'll be right with you." "Didn't you sell any football tickets?" "How about the bed-making contest?" "The raffles?" "The pools?" "They ain't springing for nothing lately." "I got to think of everything." "Men..." "It's been some time since we've had a little talk." "Freeze." "Freeze, you commandos." "Now, men, when the United States Army put these stripes on my sleeve they also put something on my shoulders:" "responsibility." "Now what has been my biggest responsibility?" "Your morale." "POKER PLAYER:" "Hey, Bilko, how about it?" "Tell them I'll be right in there." "Tell them." "Tell them I'll be right in there." "Yes, men, your morale." "That's the one thing I work for day and night." "Now, I must have told you this a thousand times-- suppose you just tell it to me once." "What do I want to make this outfit?" "ALL (sullenly):" "The happiest platoon on the post." "Right." "The happiest platoon on the post." "But, men, I can't do it by myself." "I want to see my men have fun... fun!" "I want this to be a smiling barracks." "Well, what good is it?" "I think of things..." "You won't buy tickets." "You won't join the pool." "You won't get in the raffle." "You won't do anything..." "What?" "What is it?" "What?" "They're breaking up the game." "I can't stall them any longer." "Chow." "Hey, where you going, fellas?" "It's only the shank of the morning." "Surely my credit is good." "Your credit?" "Sergeant Bilko, you said a dirty word." "How about it, Sowici?" "A little two-handed anything?" "(chuckles)" "Beg me, Bilko." "I want to see you beg." "I love a gracious winner." "Ooh, this is sweet money." "I recognize every buck of it." "So the biggest operator on the post finally got himself taken." "Well, don't bruise the bankroll." "I'll get it back Saturday night." "Yeah, sure." "Where are you going to get a bankroll to get into that game?" "(laughing)" "It's all over, Bilko." "Your luck's changed." "After all these years, it's finally coming our way." "So get some money together and keep it coming." "(laughing)" "Bilko lost?" "!" "Now he'll come prowling for another bankroll." "He's in trouble." "If Bilko needs money, we're in trouble." "Well, men, I was..." ""I tawt I taw a puttytat."" "That's the fastest I've seen this platoon move since they asked for volunteers to fix the WACs' showers." "You know how it is." "You..." "Well, this is a gay little group." "You mind if I open my veins and join you?" "How did it happen?" "How did it happen?" "Even if they ran in a marked deck on you" "I've seen you re-mark them again in five minutes." "250 clams, and 100 of it was my money." "Your money, Corporal Barbella?" "I didn't mean it, Ernie, honest, I didn't." "Well, excuse me." "I always thought it was our money." "I'm sorry, Ernie." "Honest I am." "Whatever is mine is yours too, you know that." "Like it's always been, ever since New Guinea." "Ernie?" "Ernie?" "Say that everything is okay." "Okay." "Thanks." "Let's hear no more talk about his money, your money, my money." "It's our money." "And now it's theirs." "Just temporarily." "Saturday night, at the game, I'll get it all back." "Yeah." "(knocking)" "You know why?" "The platoon..." "Attention!" "Never mind, boys." "It's only me." "Hi, Chaplain." "Hi, Padre." "Hiya, Padre, what can we do for you?" "I'm just trying to verify something that I find impossible to believe." "You, Bilko, finally lost a card game." "Card game?" "Why, Padre, you know I don't allow no games of chance in my barracks." "Police the area." "(poker chips jingling)" "Oh, come on, now, Bilko." "It's all over the post." "Mind if I sit down?" "Please do." "It's always a pleasure to see you, Padre." "Bilko, you're a sharpster, a gambler, a promoter." "You're everything that I'm here to prevent soldiers from becoming." "Tell me, why do I like you?" "I don't know." "(chuckling):" "I do have a nice personality." "I don't know why I bother about your soul." "You'll talk your way into heaven." "Bilko, why don't you forget it?" "Forget what, Padre?" "You know what." "This constant poker game that's going on between you and the other top kicks of the permanent party." "Padre, you don't understand." "I got a reputation to uphold." "Those meatballs, just because they got a little lucky, now they think they're better than I am." "Maybe they are." "What do you mean?" "Well, where were you sitting during the late-lamented game?" "Right here, my lucky seat." "Lucky." "I see-- where's your mirror?" "My mirror?" "Want to... my mirror?" "Right on the wall where I always... keep it." "That's funny." "It's always over here." "Somebody must have moved it." "Did you move my mirror, Roc?" "Oh, there it is." "It's funny, you get used to thinking one place." "I always keep it here, and..." "Rocco, sit there!" "Look at your hole card." "Ten of diamonds?" "That's terrific!" "Why, don't you see what happened?" "Those filthy-- those dirty... rascals." "Don't you see what happened?" "Those... (grunts)" "They're mean fellas, Padre, mean." "Bilko, isn't that enough for your pride?" "They couldn't beat you any other way, so they had to resort to that." "Oh, I'm sorry, Padre." "Now they really need a lesson." "Maybe you do." "If you promise to show up for chapel Sunday," "I'll dig up one of my old sermons," ""It's Better to Give Than to Receive."" "I wish you would, Padre." "I'll have every man from this platoon attend." "I haven't been able to get a dime out of them in months." "(chuckles) I give up." "Bilko, I'll reform you yet." "Good-bye, Padre." "Bye, Padre." "Bye-bye, Padre." "Three little lambs." "(door closes)" "We got to get a bankroll for Saturday night." "Now, listen, here's what we'll..." "Ooh, maybe we can get a loan from the bank." "What?" "Get a loan from the bank." "Corporal Barbella, that would be the coward's way out." "Here's what we got to do... (orchestral theme playing)" "(applause)" "I'm afraid I can't see that, Tom." "The training report, sir." "Oh, thank you, Hogan." "Now, Tom, if you can show me how relieving Bilko of that motor pool platoon's going to cut down gambling at the permanent party barracks, I'll go along with it." "Bilko's the best motor pool NCO I've ever had." "He's got that place running like a clock." "That's just it: he's got it running too smoothly." "So he has nothing to do." "He needs action, so he makes it himself with his little rackets." "Poker, uh, gambling." "Give him something new, something that will be a challenge." "What are you driving at, Tom?" "I want you to give Bilko a basic training unit." "Bilko?" "!" "With those young, innocent recruits?" "I thought for a minute you were serious." "I am!" "I realize you're shorthanded in your training units." "Now, Bilko's a good sergeant." "Got a great record." "He's wasting his time..." "Not a chance." "Tom, we reorganized the entire layout of this post." "We moved buildings." "We blocked off streets just so that no rookie, even by accident, could ever get anywhere near Bilko." "Colonel, I have a hunch." "If you give Bilko a basic training unit... (orchestral theme playing)" "Bye." "So long." "Say hello to Millie." "Good luck, Kadowski." "Be a good boy." "I'll try, Sarge." "So long, Benny." "Good-bye, Doberman." "I'll really miss you." "I don't get this at all." "Why?" "Why do they take away my men, my platoon, the guys I grew to love?" "Especially today, Saturday, when they get paid." "Hey, did you find out anything?" "Nothin'." "And is it hot out there!" "That's swell, isn't it?" "I send him out for information, he comes in with a weather report." "Well, there goes our last chance to get a bankroll by tonight." "Look at this-- empty barracks, empty bunks." "MEN: # We're in the army now #" "It's an empty worl..." "# We're not behind a plow #" "MAN:" "Left, two, three, four..." "# We're in the army now #" "# We're in the army now, we're not behind a plow #" "# We'll never get rich by digging a ditch #" "# We're in the army now #" "Once more, men!" "Sing it out!" "# We're in the army now, we're not behind a plow #" "# We'll never get rich by digging a ditch #" "# We're in the army now. #" "Are you Sergeant Bilko, sir?" "Yeah, I'm Sergeant Bilko." "Who are you, the scoutmaster?" "My name is Higgins, sir." "At the induction center when they found out" "I've been to a military academy, they made me Acting PFC in charge of this squad until we got here for our basic training." "Basic training?" "Sergeant Bilko..." "Attention!" "Atten...!" "Your new assignment, Bilko." "See that they get through the required basic training courses." "That's all." "Thank you, sir." "Only the one he's talking to!" "At ease!" "Well, my new squad." "New blood." "All right, at ease, men." "Men, welcome to the United States Army." "Now, I don't want you to look at this as another barracks or another building." "I want you to think of this as your home away from home." "I'm gonna make this a happy squad!" "Yes, sir!" "Men, when the army put these stripes on my sleeve, they also put some..." "Say, I understand you boys don't get paid for the first 30 days." "Now, if you're a little short..." "Oh, no, Sergeant." "We brought money from home." "Money from home!" "Money from home!" "Ah, what pleasant memories those words invoke." "Mom's apple pie." "Washing the car on Sunday." "Gets you right in here, don't it, pal?" "But, friends, the army can be fun, too." "For instance, this weekend, I want to see you all at the Welcome Rookies Dance." "Corporal Barbella will have the tickets." "We're gonna have fun." "This is all fun if you look at it right." "I beg your pardon, sir." "Because if you..." "Sir, sir, doesn't the Soldier's Guidebook state that the first weekend should be spent reviewing the things we learned during the week?" "Good boy." "Yes, sir, men." "Each night when you come off those fields, tired from drilling, all tensed up," "I'm gonna be here to greet you, greet you affectionately." "Calm you down." "Little friendly game of chance, a little adventure." "Nothing too expensive-- a little bingo, a little lotto." "For you older men of 20, maybe a little gin rummy." "What about that, huh?" "We're gonna have fun." "Sir?" "Sir?" "Now, you listen, if I..." "Uh, Sergeant Bilko?" "Sir, what about our personal health and character guidance lectures?" "Aren't we supposed to get those at night?" "Good boy!" "Yes, men, I'm gonna make this squad, as small as it is, one of the best squads, full of spirit..." "Say, I just thought of something." "Why don't we run a beauty contest to select the sweetheart of the squad?" "I'm gonna have..." "Sir?" "Sergeant?" "Sir?" "Aw, shut up!" "All right, my door is always open to you if you run out of things, you need some souvenir cards, postcards, candy, cigarettes, any little..." "Uh, I beg your pardon." "Sergeant Bilko, just one thing, sir." "Isn't there a post exchange where we can get those things direct?" "Wouldn't you be much happier in the navy?" "Well, sir, I'd just like to get my military career started on the right foot." "You see, I plan to stay in the army." "And you'll make good, too-- as a target." "Men, we're gonna have fun, fun, fun!" "But lest we forget, there's a military aspect to this army, too." "I personally, every day, will take you out to the rifle range, the drill field, short hikes-- weather permitting." "I tell you, I'm gonna make this a crackerjack squad!" "I think you're going to be very pleasantly surprised, sir." "I am?" "Yes, sir." "You see, at the induction center, while we were waiting for our assignment," "I took the liberty of putting the men through a little close order drill just to get a head start, you know?" "Shall I take them out and drill them now, sir?" "Say, that would be fun." "All right, men!" "Bring up that..." "Peters, remember what I taught you!" "MAN:" "Wait, wait, Higgins." "Company..." "Sergeant Bilko, I don't want to miss that dance, so could I reserve some tickets?" "Yeah, and I need stationery, sir." "You gonna have a baseball pool?" "What about the beauty contest?" "(all talking)" "Men, men, men, give us a chance to get organized." "Believe me, everything I promised you" "we're gonna take care of." "All right, men." "Aren't they wonderful?" "Men, let's get..." "Hold it, hold it." "Corporal Henshaw, escort these men out to the field and stay right with them." "Sarge, in this heat, they're not gonna get lost." "I'm not worried about them getting lost." "I don't want nobody to steal 'em." "All right, now... (barking orders)" "MEN:" "# We're in the army now #" "# We're not behind a plow #" "# We'll never get rich by digging a ditch #" "# We're in the army now... #" "Gee, ain't they cute!" ""Cute" is not the word for it." ""Timely" is a better word." "Corporal Barbella," "Yeah?" "spread the word around the post," "Sergeant Bilko has a new bankroll and will be at the game tonight." "Find Sergeant Sowici, tell him to name the time and the place." "Hot dog!" "# You're in the army now #" "# You're not behind the plow #" "# You'll never get rich... #" "Yeah, here, here!" "What's the matter?" "I know the words." "I know the words you know." "I know." "You know something, Roc?" "You're right." "They are kind of cute." "(chuckles):" "Yeah." "Get out of here!" "(orchestral theme playing over applause)" "(men singing)" "# Two, three, four!" "#" "# Wherever we go, you will always know #" "# That those caissons are rolling along... #" "Sergeant Bilko!" "Sergeant Bilko!" "BILKO:" "Coming!" "I've been..." "What are you doing?" "Don't monkey around with these things." "They're dangerous." "Oh, no, sir." "That's just a wooden practice rifle." "Those are the most dangerous kind." "And I wouldn't want anything to happen to you." "MARTIN:" "Sergeant Bilko!" "Coming!" "What is it, son?" "Sergeant Bilko, I know the sweetheart of the squad contest isn't officially open yet, but, well, I have the $5 entry fee." "It just opened." "What's that?" "Well, that's my girl's picture." "It's for the contest." "She's kind of pretty." "Yeah, I think so." "Her name's Beth." "Yeah, she's real sweet." "Your girl?" "Yeah." "What does she do?" "Well, she's in school now, but, well, just as soon as my two years are up, we're gonna get married." "How 'bout that, huh?" "Hey, Martin, here." "The first wedding present." "What?" "What?" "What are you getting nerv..." "We got all day to get the bankroll." "Relax." "Gee, thanks." "This $5 was all I had." "What did you say?" "I just said that, sir, this $5 was all I had." "Is this all the money you brought with you?" "Oh, no, sir." "I had, well, $50." "But, well, Higgins has it now." "Higgins?" "!" "Yes, sir." "He's got, well, almost all the money that the fellows brought." "Did I tell you?" "The minute I laid eyes on that kid," "I knew he was a born competitor." "Oh, Higgins." "Yes, sir?" "Let's have a little talk." "About face!" "Forward march!" "Higgins!" "Do you know what they call a soldier who squeezes money out of his comrades?" "He's called a vulture." "And there's no room in this barracks for another..." "for a vulture!" "But, sir, I-I-I don't understand what you're talking about." "You don't understand?" "You've taken every nickel from those kids in there." "Do you deny it?" "Oh, that." "(laughing)" "Yeah, that." "No, no, no, sir." "You don't understand." "You see, I'm just holding it for the fellas." "Holding it?" "Yeah, you see, we're all gonna spend on our first furlough together on a trip to Washington, so the guys gave me all their money to hold, so they wouldn't spend it foolishly." "Oh, foolishly, huh?" "Tell me something, Higgins." "Anybody on this post warn you about... tell you about me?" "No, no, sir." "Only the chaplain." "The chaplain." "That's all, Higgins." "Out." "How do you like that?" "The padre." "My friend, the padre." "I didn't say a thing when he ran that social dance free, in direct competition with me, stifling private enterprises." "Said nothing." "But when he warns innocent soldiers against their own sergeant, that's gone too far." "(knocking)" "Come in." "I'm not..." "What is it, Sowici?" "The game's started." "It's in the Company B kitchen." "I'll be there." "And Bilko, if you ain't got a bankroll, don't bother coming over." "(laughing)" "Charming fellow." "The game has started." "Shh." "What's the matter?" "I hear cards being shuffled." "All the way from the Company B kitchen?" "I also hear money being riffled." "Our money, crying out into the night," ""Daddy, come take us home."" "And where is Daddy?" "In a dark barracks, baby-sitting." "(knocking)" "Come in!" "Oh, what is it, Higgins?" "Sir, could I speak with you for a minute?" "Did I forget your bedtime story?" "Somebody have to be burped?" "Well, this is kind of confidential, sir." "Confid..." "All right, boys." "Buddy-buddy time, huh?" "Well, what is it?" "Well, sir, you remember that money" "I've been holding for the fellas?" "It never left my mind." "Mine, neither, sir." "It's just too much of a responsibility for me." "Here, will you hold it for us?" "You want me to hold it for you?" "Yes, sir, if you will, please." "Come on, Higgins." "I'm only flesh and blood." "Hold onto it." "But, sir, the Soldier's Guidebook states that enlisted men may leave their valuables with their sergeant." "You didn't see the footnote where my name is mentioned." "Sir, this is more money than I ever had before in my whole life." "There's over $300 here." "$319." "$320." "Oh, yes, I didn't get that wet single in there." "You hang onto it." "You know what the chaplain said about me." "Yes, sir, that's why I'm here." "Well, the chaplain said if you ever need anybody that you trust, you can trust Sergeant Bilko." "The chaplain said that?" "Yes, sir." "Listen, when the chaplain said it, was he laughing or something?" "No, no, sir." "He seemed quite serious." "That chaplain said that about..." "Yes, sir, well, thank you, and good night, sir." "(mumbles)" "Hey, Sarge, what did the kid..." "He got it!" "He got it!" "Sarge, I've seen you work fast, but this sets a new Army record." "Come on, let's get to the game!" "Wait a minute, you meatballs!" "I'm surprised at you." "As long as you been with me, you ought to know me better than that." "These kids gave me it to hold." "They trust me with it." "They gave it to you?" "Who else would they give it to but their own sergeant?" "Boy, do they need basic training." "Well, maybe we could use it, just for the game." "I told you, Rocco: they gave it to me in trust." "Now, get out of here." "It's way past lights out." "Go on." "Put those kids to bed." "Out." "Sure." "Sure, Sarge." "But, Sarge..." "In trust." "Out." "In trust." "Out." "Out." "(knocking)" "Just brushing up on my Manual of Arms." "We're going to teach to those kids, you might as well know what you're doing." "Well, Sarge, I brought you the flashlight." "Flashlight?" "Yeah, just in case you change your mind." "It's pitch-black between here and the Company B kitchen." "Yeah, where the game is now going on." "With our money." "Did I tell you once?" "I'm saving it for the kids." "Out." "Out!" "Close that door behind you." "Out." "(knocking)" "Hey, Sarge, we just..." "What's the matter?" "(sniffing)" "Smell anything?" "Nothing." "Will you guys stop annoying..." "How many times do I have to tell you guys?" "Leave me alone." "Sarge, we just came from the game." "All the money in the world is there waiting for you." "Sowici just won a $36 pot with a pair of fours." "(mouthing)" "Out." "Out." "Out!" "Higgins, wake up." "Wake up." "What's up, Sergeant?" "Night maneuvers?" "No, I just went through those." "Here, here's your money that you're holding for the kids." "Ought to be more careful what you do with it." "Don't take any chances with other people's money." "No chances, Sarge." "We trust you." "Don't press your luck." "Go on." "Get some sleep." "Good night, Sergeant." "Good night, kid." "Well, what are you two jokers doing here?" "Good night, Sarge." "Good night." "Good night, Sarge." "Good night." "Don't stand here." "You know what to do." "Come on." "Hey." "Hiya, Padre." "What brings you around here?" "Just checking." "Everything all right, Bilko?" "Just wonderful." "It figured." "Good night, Padre." "Good night." "("Taps" playing)" "(orchestral theme playing over applause)"