"Steven, why is there lingerie behind my canned goods?" "Oh, sorry." "That's Sam's." "Before we split up, our love life felt a little boring so we decided to branch out and try some new locations." "By the way, this is a good sturdy table." "Oh, Steven." "Good morning!" "Morning Red." "You're up early." "You're retired, you should be sleeping in." "Yeah, well, I was awoken by the pleasant sound of birds chirping outside my window." "And now that I don't have to work, I finally have time to poison them." "I feed those birds bread every day." "Good, that will make it easier." "Red, I don't think you've embraced retirement yet." "What you need to do is to get yourself a robe, go sit down on the porch and shake your fists and yell things like:"dang nabbit, why I outta..."" "I have to say, I looked forward to retirement as much as I looked forward to playing catch with my son." "And both of them have left me bitterly disappoint." "Well, you know, we could take a trip." "When Amy O'Brian's husband retired, they went to see the Nutcracker museum in Rhode Island." "We don't have to go anywhere that fancy but there is that cave in West Virginia I've been wanting to see." "It's a good idea Red." "You and Kitty should travel, you know, see the world." "I saw the world when I was in the navy." "It shot at me." "I don't know..." "West Virginia is supposed to be pretty nice." "It is the Ohio of the Atlantic states." "Well, if you need something to do, you can always come down to help me at the record store." "There's a light switch that keeps shocking people." "Although on the upside the jolts seems to make Leo remember stuff." "Yeah!" "Sure, I'll help you out." "It will be good to get out of the house." "If I have to listen to Phil Donahue tell one more housewife that it isn't her fault that her life is messed up" "I gonna drive to Chicago and hit him in the head with a hammer." "Okay, Donna, I have something to admit to you but it's something really embarrassing." "You read a book for pleasure?" "I like Fez." "Wow!" "Well I guess the only thing I have to say is, I freaking knew it!" "Donna!" "Look, I know I made that stupid list to figure out who my perfect match should be, and you were right, it's Fez." "This is one of the biggest thing I've ever heard you said." "I know, I know." "I can't believe I like him." "No!" "You admitted I was right." "Okay, are you sure you like Fez?" "I mean, think about all the things you said about him over the years." "He's a bad, poor, sweaty, stinky, crazy, sick, ridiculous, foreign, spazoid, weirdo." "Okay, alright Donna, you busted me." "I like a bad, poor, sweaty, sticky, crazy, ridiculous, sick, foreign, spazoid, weirdo." "Hey lucious ladies!" "Hey, Fez." "Hey, Fez!" "What's up?" "Well, I made up a new way to play Candy Land, where I will eat the appropriate candy for each square I land on." "So Jackie, get prepared to come home to a candy-covered-pants-less roommate." "Wait!" "Why do you have to take your pants off to play?" "You don't know me at all!" "There it goes, Jackie." "Your candy-covered-pants-less prince charming." "Fez, now that I'm spending so much time here, maybe you should get a water bed." "That way we won't keep Jackie up with all the... squeaking." "Yeah, sorry about that." "I'm a squeaker." "Donna..." "I like a squeaker." "Wh, what I am gonna do?" "Okay look, a few years ago," " I went to see a therapist." " Looser" "My parents were going through their divorce and it helped." "Not everyone who goes to a therapist is a looser." "Ok wait so," " you think this therapist actually helped you?" " Yeah!" "He must be pretty good if he convinced you you're not a looser." "Ouah, man!" "Impressive!" "Yeah, Mr Forman is real good at fixing stuff." "No, 6 across, impressive." "No wait, that's more than 3 letters." "There you go!" "Oh, nice job Red." "The only problem is that now I can see how dirty everything is." "I gotta do something about that." "There you go." "Alright man, thanks." "I guess I'll see you later." "Actually I thought I'd fix that wobbly chair before I left." "Take a high, carphead!" "Hey, quiet!" "Oh, sorry, it's quilt." "I'm just saying, I can't believe I'm in a therapist office." "I mean, there is no way I'll be able to talk for a whole hour." "Well, thank you Dr. Hamond." "You're right," "I am pretty and I am special." "And I am in the wrong office." "Wow, that was a tough hour." "Come on in girls." "Have a seat." "Excuse me." "Hello?" "Oh, hello Helen." "Fine!" "I'll heat up my own dinner!" "God knows you haven't heat up anything in our home in months." "Well, have a great time, eh?" "So!" "Donna, nice to see you again." "How are your folks?" "Well, uhm, still crazy." "You're telling me!" "They paid for my watch." "And you must be Jackie." "Yeah, but before you think there is anything wrong with me." "You see, I'm only here because I like this boy and I don't wanna like him so... you know, if you could just write a prescription for that, I'll be on my way." "Do you see how messed up she is?" "Still eating your cuticles?" "No." "Jackie, first tell me about some of the other men that you had feelings for." "Okay, well, there is Mickael, who cheated on me." "And there is Steven who would rather vandalize a car than committing to a relationship." "And now there's Fez." "Who's been after me for years and who is really, really sweet, but I never paid any attention to him 'cause you know, he's foreign." "He seems like a fine man, or at least he is now... before you get you sadistic female claws into him and make him forget that he's even a man at all." "Well, none of this matters anyway because of course now that I like Fez, he has a girlfriend." "Have you ever considered that you like unavailable men?" "I mean, the others were emotionally unavailable but you weren't interested in Fez until he was taken." "Wow, so I don't really like Fez, I just think I like Fez because he has a girlfriend." "Do you see how messed up she is, Doctor." "I mean she's got some real issues." "I noticed you died your hair." "What are you running away from?" "I just want people to like me!" "Jackie, just remember that whoever you end up with, the key to any relationship is good communication." "Excuse me." "Hello?" "Helen," "I told you I'd move it as soon as Al can help me." "Well, I wish you had more upper body strength." "No, you are." "Noo, youu are." "GO TO HELL YOU COW!" "So, yes, good communication!" "That's the key." "Why is the closed sign on the door?" "Oh, Red put that up." "He said I could either have a closed sign up the door or an open sign on my ass." "I should never have asked him to come down, man, he's bad for business." "You think that's bad for business," "I've been stealing money for months!" "Red!" "Red!" "Hey, man, why are you working so hard?" "You should be enjoying your retirement, you know?" "There's still plenty to do here." "The hinge on that door is busted." "The window needs caulking and that back room is such a mess, you got a bunch of weeds growing in there." "Look, man." "Why don't you just call it today, you know?" "You're retired, it's 2 o'clock, hey!" "It's almost dinner time!" "Are you kicking me out?" "No!" "You know..." "Yeah!" "Look, wh, why don't you just go home?" "I don't believe this." "He seems mad." "It's a good thing you'll never have to see him again." "Oh oh!" "Fez, great news!" "I have an opportunity to do something that's gonna make me incredibly happy." " Oh, that's wonderful!" " I'm gonna become a nun." "YOU SELFISH WHORE!" "I'm joining the covent next week so I'm sorry, but if it makes you feel any better, you're the last man to ever touch me unless I meet someone in Italy before I take my vows." "See ya!" "Hey, Fez!" "What's going on?" "Hillary broke up with me." "Oh, my God." "I just need someone to hold me and tell me it's alright." "I gotta go find Hyde." "I am pretty." "I am special." "My casserole is not too oniony." "Hey!" "Oh, Steven." "I need to talk to you." "How could you kick Red out of your store?" "I wasn't expecting him home so early and he walked in on me taking a bath without any bubbles." "There goes the mystery." "Sorry Mrs. Forman, he was in the way." "In the way?" "When your parents left you and we took you in, did we say you were in the way?" "No!" "We fed you and loved you and we let you in to our Cirrus family portrait." "Look," "I asked him to fix one little switch, the next thing I know he's pouding and sweating and swearing." "It's like watching Fez eating a cake." "Well, you need to find a way to make Red feel useful and you know what else you nee to find?" "A beige cardigan!" "Cause that's what's we're wearing in this year's picture." "And I don't wanna hear about how it's not cool I just wanna you to put the damn thing on, smile and say FREAKING CHEESE!" "Jackie, what is it about me that makes everyone leave?" "I'm going to die alone with nothing but a room full of candy and pornography to keep me company." "Although when I say that, it sounds okay." "Oh, okay." "You're not going to die alone." "Yes, I am." "I'm a foreign weirdo." "No!" "no, you, you have fascinating stories about far away lands." "I scare women away with my clingingness." "But when someone needs you, you're always there." "People barely understand a word I say." "Well, yes." "But that's a good thing because sometimes you say really stupid things." "Okay, look Fez, you're a great guy." "Okay?" "You're funny and you're cute and any girl would be lucky to have you." "Oh, Jackie, you're so sweet." "Why can't I find a woman like you who likes me?" "I gotta go." "Well, maybe if I watch some TV, I'll feel better." "And now Masterpiece presents The Lonely Foreigner." "Hyde, I don't get it." "We're going to destroy Mr Forman's house and that's supposed to make him feel better?" "Yeah!" "Then he can fix everything and feel very useful." "Red would be happier than the time he chased those dead heads off in the park." "Well, you can't camp there, man." "Some bold guy chases you off." "I just ripped that off the furnace." "I busted the TV." "I totally destroyed the washing machine, man!" "Oh, hey, Red." "I'm glad you're here man." "Things are just falling apart around here." "It's freezing in my room, the TV's broken and... this thing just popped out the washing machine." "Jeez, I'm gone for one day, the whole house goes to hell!" "Yeah, it's a good thing you're here so you can fix everything." "You know what?" "I'll get to this stuff later." "Later?" "Yeah." "I was thinking about what you said this afternoon at the record store." "You're right." "I do deserve to slow down and enjoy my retirement." "So, right now," "I'm going fishing." "Yeah, but it's like 10 degrees in my room." "Can I at least call the repair-man?" "Sure, but you're paying for it." "I'm on a fixed income." "I'm retired." "This is bad, we destroyed everything, on the bright side," "I don't live here." "What I am gonna do, man." "I can't watch Tv, I can't sleep in my room." "I guess I could drag my bed right here." "Hyde, man." "Wait to see what I did to your bed." "Ok, Donna." "I don't know what to do." "I thought I only liked Fez because he was unavailable." "But now he's available and I still like him." "I mean, I almost kissed him." "On the mouth." "He eats couscous with that thing." "Okay, before I tell you what to do, let me just get one thing straight." "You really like Fez?" "Fez is the one you like." "Yes." "So you wanna go out on dates with Fez." "And make out with Fez." " Yes!" " Okay." " It's Xmas morning and you get up and your gift is Fez." " Donna!" "Sorry." "Alright, well look." "If you really like him, you're gonna have to tell him." "I know, you're right." " Hey." " Hey." "Hey." "So uh..." "I heard you liked Fez." "WHAT!" "?" "How did you hear that?" "Since we weren't trap in a soundproof lead box, we were able to hear your delicate voice from across the street." "Alright, okay, I know you guys probably think I'm crazy and I'm going from guy to guy but Fez has always been there for me and he makes me feel good about myself." "So go ahead, go ahead make fun of me." "No, I think that's cool." "You know, Fez is a good guy." "And I think if he makes you happy that's what you should do." "Wow, Steven, thanks." "And if it doesn't work out..." "I hear Bob's available." "And if that's no good, here comes the garbage man." "Oh hey, there's a guy across the street you haven't done." "Oh hey Fez, we need to talk." "Yes, we do." "I thought about what you said and you were right." " I was?" " Yes." "Hillary did me a big favor by leaving." "Yes." "Okay, I think so too." "And what I realize is, I shouldn't be tied down to one woman." "Wait, what?" "Yes, I should be spreading my seeds all across the land." "So, America, get ready, cause Fez is coming out and no woman is safe." "Except you." "Nighty night." "Don't get me started on my home life." "My wife and I haven't slept together for months." "But it's not all good news." "Oh, well, looks like our hour is almost up." "But it seems like you could use a drink." "Pour one for yourself." "Oh, no I never touch this stuff." "Oh, what the hell?" "Doctor's orders!"