"But you're using birth control, right?" "Yeah." "Of course." "It's just that Schmidt gets so athletic, that birth control becomes... like one of those plastic barbecue covers in a hurricane." "I didn't wanna know that." "Okay." "The pregnancy test doesn't work until after six days." "So just get through the weekend." "And don't tell Schmidt until you're sure." "Yeah, no." "Of course not." "Of course." "It's just..." "I can't stop thinking about what a Schmidt baby would be like." "Just..." "I mean..." "I don't know." "Would it just wanna nurse 24 hours a day?" "Probably." " We could make it, like, a douche baby jar." " Heh, heh, heh." "Oh, my God." "Ladies." "Ladies, what is all the screaming about?" "Oh, my..." "Jess, have you finally agreed to be our third?" "Because we've discussed this." " We have never talked about that." " What?" "This is not the time." "We were thinking what you might have been like as a baby." "Oh." "I was the bomb-diggity as a baby." "I mean, I was, like, breakdancing at 8 months old." "They say I needed a Magnum size diaper." "Oh, my God." " Get out." "Seriously." " Who's that girl?" " Who's that girl?" " Who's that girl?" " Who's that girl?" "It's Jess" "What's with the suit?" "If you say swing dancing, I'm gonna slap your face." "My boss is gonna be on TVtoday." "Michael Strahan's new talk show." "On the Strahan Narrow." " Great show." " Got too many DUls to drive himself." " I gotta take him." " Stay out of my room." "Cece is resting." "Hey, guys." "Listen up." "Sarah's gonna be here in a few, so best behavior." " Who's Sarah?" " Russell's daughter." "So no F-bombs, P-bombs." "Actually, no B-through S-bombs." "No bombs." "No bringing home college girls, Berlusconi." " Ha, ha." " Hey, that's not fair." "The girl I've been hanging out with is totally mature and interesting." "Please put on pants." "Everything you say sounds creepy when not wearing pants." " Your hair looks nice." " Ugh!" " Mmm." "This coffee is smoldering." " So creepy." " What's with the babysitter?" " He's seeing if I can be a mom." " You nervous?" " Nothing I can't handle." "I'm her teacher." "So..." "Oh, she's here." "Nick, put on some pants." " Or at least some really high socks." " High socks it is." " Hi, Miss Day." " Hi, Sarah." "I can be here in under five minutes if I need to be." "Honestly, I wouldn't have agreed to this except my husband's out of town... and you're Sarah's favorite teacher and my husband's favorite teacher." "Hey, I hope this doesn't sound rude, but, um..." "You keep saying "husband" and I just wanna make sure you and Russell... you're not still married." " Ha, ha, ha." "Oh, no." "I just wanted to make sure there wasn't important information... that I totally missed." "Okay." " No." "But he'll always be my husband, if you know what I mean." "Yeah." "Actually, could you explain what you mean very clearly?" "Cece's acting really weird." "Do you think she's getting tired of me?" "I mean, look, it's been like months of nonstop sex." "What can I do if she doesn't let me hit fifth chakra?" " I'm not listening to this." " I'm just saying..." "Do you think she wants something more than sex?" "Do you think she's finally becoming a girl?" "I can't handle that." " Hey, boss." "Hm?" " What are you doing?" "Look." " Wait, yesterday you said noon." " You think I've become too dependent... on the hot-lava massage?" " I'm gonna be there in just a second." " Costumes." "I made her dressed up too much?" "I'm not gonna sit here and bond with you about this." "I gotta go babysit my boss." "You gonna stay?" "We're gonna borrow your pasta maker." "Oh, that's great." "You gonna teach Sarah your recipe for overcooked mush?" "Ha, ha." "No, I'm teaching her about Italy." " I'm coming with a date." "Chloe." "You are not bringing those girls around Sarah." "Hey, you must be Sarah." "And you guys are wrong about Chloe." "Chloe is smart and she's mature and she knows about art... and famous artists like Banksy... and the guy who did the Obama poster and, you know, like, Chalk Outline Guy." "That's stupid." "Heh, heh." "Your eyes are so brown." "They look like poop." "Be honest." "Do my eyes look like poo?" " There's a bit of a poopy-ish hue." " Old poo eyes." "Oh, hey." " I like your house." " Not my house." "Go!" "Go!" " What's going on?" " I'm sweating spicy ban hoaw... and wearing a woman's shoes." " What you think is going on?" " Trying to give you an opportunity to lie." "Trying to be polite." "Actually, the ancient Egyptians... made pasta by flattening the dough with their feet." "Cool, huh?" "Sarah?" "Hey." "Why do you have so many bras?" "You're a teacher." "Teachers need bras too." "You know, like, a lot of erasing and stuff." "It's like:" "That's an after-school bra." "Can I get out of homework because you're dating my dad?" "No." "Hey, Sarah, I know having your teacher dating your dad is weird." "But I just want you to know that you can ask me anything." " Really?" " Yeah, anything." " Are you in love with my dad?" " Mmm..." "Do you and my dad ever dry lump?" "Uh..." " Is sexting cool?" " What?" "No." "It's not cool." "Have you done a 99?" "I think that's a tax form." " You ever given anyone plow chops?" " I don't know." "How do you make love to a person animal style?" "Do you wanna learn how to play bridge?" "I've been doing some thinking... and I think it's time that I take you on a real date." " You're asking me out on a date?" " It'll be our first real date." "Italy on Ice is a celebration of all things Italian." "Featuring ice dancing's biggest and brightest Italian stars." "Drea de Matteo is scheduled to appear, but they're not liable if she doesn't." "I can't go right now." "It's a really bad time, okay?" "I'm sorry." "Just..." "Take someone else." " You mean, like, another girl?" " Yeah, Schmidt." "That's what this is." "That's the deal." " Just take someone else, okay?" " All right, sure." "I'll just..." "I'll ask somebody else." "I'll just..." "Yeah." "Totally." "With these VIP tickets I got..." "What?" "It's popcorn in Italian." "I don't think you should be rushing into these things." " You need to look for a partner who..." " Ew." " You said "partner."" " I know." "That sucked." "I'm sorry." "Look, as your friend, Jess..." "Not Miss Day." " Just choose someone who makes you laugh." "Like Nick?" "Yeah." "Wait, what?" "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God." "I love Nick so, so, so much." " He's so hot." " That Nick?" "I wanna rub my face on his face." "Just to be clear." "I am dialing another woman to go see Italy on Ice right now." "That's fine." "Do it." " Hey, guys." "Not now." " Oh, it's ringing." " Don't care." " This room cannot take more hormones." " Unh." "Unh." "I love the juxtaposition of the hi-brow literary with low-brow youth culture." "It's almost too much juxtaposition for me, you know what I mean?" "It's right up to the line of juxtaposition, but I think I'm gonna let it slide." "Hey, I gotta..." "Yes." " You've got Nick." " Hey, Nicole." " What's going on?" " What it be, girl?" "What you got going on, ma?" "It's the freaking weekend." " Did you just call me a "girl"?" " Are you wearing something sexy?" " Button-down and jeans like always." " You got jeans on, baby?" "Are they tight?" " They're a little loose." "I buy them big." " Them jeans sound sexy." " Everything all right?" "Hang out more?" " You taking care of that tushy for me?" "I'm not doing, like, squats or anything?" " I'm trying to eat less doughnuts." " You still keeping it tight?" "You're an idiot." "What?" "I thought this is what you wanted." "This is a really good example of people who should not be making love." " Cece, are you okay?" " Damn it." "You don't understand." "I love Nick so, so, so much." "He's so hot, I'm gonna die." "Sarah, Nick is way too old for you." "I live with him." "He is dirty and weird." "No, no, no." " Sarah." "Not Nick's room." "It's not well ventilated in there." "Let's see." "We get there a little early, maybe get you in the shower." "Maybe a once-over with some disinfectant." "Hey." "Yard sale." "Pull over." " No." " Somebody rich died." "I can smell it." "Joe, I'm trying to get you to the show on time." " Whoa, whoa, what are you doing?" " I'm getting out of the car." "Yeah, baby." "Yard sale." "Yeah." "Oh, I feel so alive." "Ah!" "I got a charley horse." "Oh, God." "Hey, Sarah?" " Can you come out of Nick's room?" " I'm going to roll in his dirty clothes." " Schmidt asked me out." " Oh." " He came over and asked me out." " He never asks me out." "I can't go on a date with him." " Sarah!" "Shh!" " I've had enough of this." "Listen to me!" "Listen to me." "All right, you little brat!" "You just need to be quiet because I need my friend to focus on me right now!" "What are you doing?" "You know how much this means to me." "Don't let your dysfunction rub off on her." " I am gonna be a terrible mother." " Oh, no, no." " A terrible mother!" " Shh." " I'm gonna be like my mother." " Gonna be a fashionable mom." "Gonna make this right, okay?" "Just..." "Sarah?" "Hey, Sarah?" "Look, you should definitely not be having sex right now at this age." "But when you do, just make sure you always use protection... because even if he says it's tantric and you're Indian and you know better... you're just gonna end up pregnant anyways." "What?" " Cece, are you pregnant?" " Whoa." "Sarah, Nick has one tie." "See if you can find it." "No." "Okay?" "I don't know." "We have to wait for the test results, but I'm late." "Oh, my..." "We made a caramel miracle." "Ha, ha." "You pregnant." "You pregnant." "Ha, ha." "Oh, my God." "You got Cece pregnant?" " We used protection." " Think she did it on purpose?" "An Indian-Jewish baby?" "Who wouldn't want that bone structure?" "Okay, I'm not ready to be a godparent." "Don't ask." " No one's asking you." " Good." "I'm not ready to be an uncle." " You're not my brother." " Are you sure you're okay about this?" "Because I'm freaking out that you're not freaking out." "I am oddly calm about the whole thing." "Look, Nick." "Maybe this isn't exactly in my five-year plan, but maybe this is fate." "You know, maybe I hit the jackpot." "Maybe this is the universe telling me I'm never gonna find a better girl." " By the way, I'm Schmidt." " Chloe." "Mazel tov on your news." "Oh, my God." "Finally, Nicholas." " You bring home a nice girl." " Right?" "So that was crazy what happened with my friends, right?" "I liked it." "Your life is like Gossip Girl, only everyone is old and poor." "You know, there actually was a show like that." "It was called Golden Girls." "I'm Betty White, Schmidt is Rue McClanahan..." " Don't you think Nick is hot?" " Nick?" "Um..." "Yeah, in a rumpled, small-town PI kind of way." "What's he like in the morning?" "Do his eyes get sleepy?" "Does he love stuff?" "I wanna love what he loves." "Do you think that we'll ever do animal style?" "Four minutes." "We eat in four." "I made you a mocktail." " Cece, are you crying?" " No." "No." "I just..." "I don't know." "You are an amazing woman." "And you're going to do and be so many things in this life." "Maybe you'll be a mom, and maybe..." "Maybe not." "But I will support you no matter what." " Thank you." " I also wanna give you a quick heads-up." "I'm gonna be going on the Internet before we have sex again... because I just don't want to impregnate the baby." "You know?" "We could have a Russian nesting-doll situation on our hands." "So Sarah and I learned to use the pasta maker today, which was cool." " Are you and Nick making love?" " Hm?" " Who wants seconds?" " Yeah, I'd love seconds, Jess." "If you're a boy, I'm gonna name you Mordechai." "Or Abraham." "Menahmenendo." "Schmiersen." "Hey." "I'm watching you." " Well, time for dessert." " Oh, don't get up." "I will take care of it." "Oh, thank you." "That's so thoughtful." "See?" "Thoughtful and mature." "In your face." "Yes!" "Congratulations." "You're dating a girl with basic table manners." "You win." "Why don't you get on her health-care plan?" "I'm so excited to take this journey with you." "I mean, your boobs are gonna be unbelievably enormous." "Sarah, do you wanna go help Chloe with the dessert?" " I hate her." " You don't know her well enough to hate her." "Yes, I do." "I know her." " She used to ride on my school bus." " No..." " Wait, what?" " Oh, my God." "That's why you look familiar." "You were the crazy little kindergartner who had the imaginary friend." "Oh, you're that skank with the skank face." "I know you're trying to look cool in front of you-know-who." " You told him?" " No." " You told him!" " I did not tell him." "Oh, my God, Jess." "What are you saying?" "When was the last time you were on a school bus?" " Last year." " How old are you?" " Eighteen." " Ugh..." "Hey, you know what, Chloe?" "I think I subbed for your English class." " That's right." "Hi, Miss Day." " Hi." " Good thing I got you an extra shirt..." " Screw this." "Whoa, Joe, Joe." "Where you going?" "Where you going?" "Where are you going?" "Look, I'm sorry about this, man." "Don't make me chase you." "Do not make me chase you." "Joe, come back!" "Unh!" "You okay?" "Leave me alone." "So come on, man, what's up?" "Michael Strahan makes me feel like an idiot, okay?" "I mean..." "He thinks he's better than me." "He wins the Super Bowl and suddenly he's the best." "What's he better than you at, huh?" "Marriage, probably." "Money management, I would say." "He's better at that." "He's not better at yard sales." " He's good at yard sales." " He's not better." "You're gonna walk into that studio and show him the Napoli that I saw today." "The one that I saw grabbed seven copies of Speed on VHS... at a yard sale for a fraction of the retail price." " When is the last time Strahan did that?" " Heh, heh." " Boom." "You're not gonna let him win." " I'm gonna do it." "You gonna do it?" " That guy's a B-hole!" "You know what?" "If you were a woman, man, we'd be unstoppable." "Mmm." "Eighteen years old." "She was 18 years old." "She doesn't even know what Netscape is." "She thinks of Ice Cube as mainly an actor." "This is a disaster." "Ouli's downstairs." "She called me." "She wants to be let up." "Sarah's in my room, because she fell in love with you for some reason." "Might as well call you Bridge to Terabithia." "You make children cry." "I might as well call you Indian in the Cupboard... because you put an Indian in..." "Never mind." " I will not apologize." " Why are young girls in love with me?" "Shut up!" "Both of you!" "We're gonna fix this because I'm not losing Russell... because you two have to make and/or date babies." "You, go stall Ouli." "Try not to get her pregnant." "You, come with me and get Sarah out of my room." "Now." " I'm gonna go do Ouli." "Yeah." "All right." " I'm gonna do this." "Ouli?" "Oh, my God." "It's Schmidt." "How are you?" "Oh, my God." "It's so good to see you." " Great." " Yeah." "Havasu?" "'99?" "I was on the boat." " Remember?" "We were just..." "Yeah." " No." "Winter Olympics." "Uh-huh." " 2006." "Bobsled." " No." "Sarah, I know that you think you're in love with me right now... but I promise you, you're gonna find someone better." "No." "No, I never will!" "I can be an anchor." "I've been known to drag women down." " That is true." "Save me." " Why?" "This is so entertaining." " Okay, honestly, help me." " I don't know what to do." " Okay." "Just tell her something about life." "Hey, Sarah." "Sarah, I haven't loved somebody the way you love me in a very long time." "And I miss that feeling." "The feeling you have is good." "It's just misplaced." "It's better than being numb your whole life." "You end up doing weird things." "You know what?" "Just stay in there." "It's not that great out here." " Stay in there as long as you can." " He's kidding, Sarah." "You should definitely, definitely come out." " Oh, my God." "The Melman funeral?" " No." "We were both sitting next to Uncle Jack." " Yeah?" "Sure." " I don't know Uncle Jack." "I used to do your hair in Tribeca." " Sarah?" " Sarah, please." "Sarah, please come out." "I can't come out." "I'm too embarrassed." "In front of us?" "We are literally the most embarrassing people on the planet." "Yeah, you don't have to be embarrassed around us." "Sometimes they talk louder to blind people." "I'm 30 years old and I've peed in every pool I've been into." " Every single one." " Ew." "I originally grew these bangs because I hate my forehead." "I think it's funny when a guy puts balls under his shirt and pretends it's boobs." " They look like little boobs." " I know." "Ha, ha, ha." "Come on, Sarah." "Look, I do so many stupid things." "You don't even know." "I mean, like... falling for your dad, that was so crazy, and I..." "I understand why you're confused." "I'm confused." "I'm not confused." "I'm stuck." "What?" " Oh, my God." " I don't know how to get them off." " You're okay." "I'll get the front." " I'll get the back." "Hey, guys." "She's coming." "Ouli's coming." "I failed." "I failed." "I'm sorry." "Hi, Ouli." "Who is the man taking the bras off my daughter?" "There is a God!" "I got my period!" "It's so amazing." "Oh, my God." "I got my period." "Ha, ha, ha." " She got her period." " So happy!" "Welcome." "Would you like a drink?" "You have a beautiful daughter." "And a beautiful ex-husband." "I mean..." " Bye, Nick." "I'm kind of over you now." " Okay." " Thank you." " Thanks." "I had a really great time." "Thanks, Sarah." "Goodbye." "Your mom doesn't have to know everything." " Heard that." "Let's go." " Okay." " Thanks for coming by." " Oh, sure." "Bye, Sarah." "See you at school." " Bye, Ouli." "You rule-y." "OULI:" "Bye, Jess." "You're a mess." "I'm not having kids till I'm 80." "Now we can just go back to the way things were." "You can go on your date." "Right." "With Nicole." "Mm-hm." "No more stupid mistakes, right?" " Right." " Heh, heh." " I'm gonna go." "Yeah." " Go." "Oh, wait." "Oh, God." "Okay, Cece." "There's a marathon downtown." " I don't want you to hit traffic." " Okay." " That's very thoughtful." " Head down." "Okay." "All right." "You in?" "You in?" "Okay." "Terrible car for a baby anyway." "Oh." "I never knew Italy was so much more than pizza." "It's so much more." "She's okay." "You're awesome!" "The reenactment of Pompeii really stays with you." "What a move!" "Two shows a day." "Two shows a day." "How do they do it?" "If you're gonna play a gondolier, you better skate like a gondolier." "You know what, Schmidt?" "Business idea." "We should buy skaters." "Yeah!" "Do something weird, Mussolini." "We love you."