"CHEERING AND APPLAUSE where we have prepared for you gammons and other gingambobs." "On the panel tonight we have the gotch-gutted Hugh Dennis." "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "What does that mean?" "Phill Jupitus." "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "Andy Hamilton." "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "Alan Davies." "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE the buzzers are all on a Georgian theme." "Hugh goes..." "OBOE PLAYS STATELY MELODY" "Ah." "Andy goes..." "BASSOON PLAYS JAUNTY TUNE" "LAUGHTER" "Phill goes..." "JOLLY MELODY ON STRINGS AND FLUTE" "LAUGHTER" "Wow!" "And Alan goes..." "MUSIC: "When I'm Cleaning Windows" by George Formby" "LAUGHTER" "It's George Formby." "# When I'm cleaning windows. #" "George Formby." "Excellent." "APPLAUSE" "Let's look at a notable gaffe now." "How did Captain Schlitt's number two sink his own U-boat?" "I'm assuming that the good captain was in the bath." "This couldn't have happened in an actual... it was a real..." "You mean playing with a toy U-boat?" "And it was a number two." "a number two in that sense." "number one"..." "He might have blocked the loo and caused some sort of terrible backup... affected the ballast." "Imagine how the lavatory on a submarine works." "Ah!" "a bit of a clue." "A ruthless competitor!" "LAUGHTER" "It's something to do with the flush on the toilet." "How does that work when you're underwater?" "but lets water in?" "Yes." "The point is that obviously the lavatory arrangements of a boat that is submersible are very complex. you have to have special training to operate the flush." "Or... tied to a rope." "and you pull him back in." "it seems that what happened just before the end of the war... how annoying." "Very annoying for him!" "And he has a poo." "And he claims that the loo was faulty and didn't work properly." "klo...gebrochen." "IN GERMAN ACCENT:" "It was not working. and was too embarrassed to ask the sailor who was responsible for the doing of the flushing to come in." "Because there was a bit of a..." "And so he did it himself and got it in the wrong order and he filled the place with sewage and water." "AUDIENCE GROANS" "But more importantly..." "He just left it?" "!" "Yeah." "for example!" "it was...that was like that when I went in." "It was... ja." "Don't go in that one." "My God!" "and the... that's the point." "Did they perish?" "the water came in and it leaked into..." "What powered those U-boats?" "Diesel?" "No." "They had a battery." "A huge acid battery." "it creates?" "toxic chlorine gas." "and they were spotted and blown out of the water." "So just because he basically..." "That's very unfair to shoot a man with his trousers round his ankles." "It is a bit." "Toilet's blocked." "This doesn't count!" "Captain Karl-Adolph Schlitt sank his own U-boat using nothing more deadly than its own lavatory." "Here are samples of handwriting from our panellists." "I want you to match the handwriting to the panelistas and see what you can say about it." "cos you'll know your own." "my name is Phill Jupitus"?" "I wonder who that could be." "I think there's a clue in that one." "It's rather good handwriting." "It's quite calligraphically learnt." ""I must not answer back to..."?" "D is Phill." "D is Phill." "I think there's a strong chance it's Phill." "cos he writes on my scripts... when we're filming." "Does he have that fine handwriting?" "It is very fine." "that is me." "Congratulations on fine handwriting." "systematic thinker." "but deep in thought." "Sociable because of the slightly forward slant to the right." "that's good." "We can eliminate D as being Andy Hamilton." "I think C is Alan." "Because it's the untidiest?" "I just think it's Alan." "Alan?" "that's really good." "How did you know?" "Did you watch me doing it earlier?" ""That looks like Alan wrote it." "Which is the only way you can play this game." "apparently." "Oh." "There wasn't much room on the bit of paper." "No?" "Ah..." "I had to squeeze it in to get it in." "sometimes does things without thinking." "fat pen!" "You can't do joined up." "You gave me a marker pen!" "B and A left." "I think Phill and I can probably work out... yeah?" "you know..." "I'm very in touch with that part of my nature." "It's very nice handwriting." "Does it say anything about me?" "Yeah." "but not all letters." "Artistic and intuitive." "because it's upright." "Why does being upright mean that? has zero validity." "Like astrology." "non-round?" "Yeah." "it's not allowable in court." "Forensic..." "Sorry!" "but... that is allowable." "But the idea that you can interpret character is absolute nonsense." "I must say I'm not looking forward to the DNA round." "000 British businesses use graphologists for recruitment." "They actually hire people on the basis of a completely specious... isn't it?" "But it's botty water!" "don't they?" "but you can tell gender." "And you thought I was a girl!" "Not always." "I said not 100%." "We actually Tipp-Exed out the smiley-faced dots over the eyes. sometimes does things without thinking." "I'm with you there." "Yeah." "Unstable." "Whoa!" "Thinking of having a fight as to who is the coldest." "Let's both get a 99 and just stand there with it." "First one to melt loses." "Whoa." "I thought I was cold." "Phew!" "He is cold." "So you did a handwriting test?" "I sat a test to become a French train driver." "What?" "! you ought to find out if the person's a maniac or not." "We don't bother with that." "And... and there was a handwriting element." "and there was a kind of rubber ring and you had to try and trace over what was written there." "or possibly too aggressive." "you were deemed to be too passive." "Good Lord." "though." "What do you do?" "we're going terribly fast." "no!" "You're turning into Alan Bennett." "there you are." "Now we're off to Ireland where the policemen are called...?" "exactly." "Did you hear about the Irish policeman who tried to arrest a Polish driving licence?" "Do you know this story?" "You do?" "I sort of..." "Someone was done for speeding or something in lots of different parts of Ireland?" "Yeah." "That's exactly right." "He had 50 offences against him and was fast becoming the most wanted motorist in Ireland." "Prawo Jazdy is a master criminal because he had different driving licences with different addresses." "This Prawo Jazdy had all these..." "Goodness knows what he was up to apart from the driving offences!" "That was what everyone was puzzled by." "They really wanted him but it turned out one Garda member said..." "but Prawo Jazdy is the Polish for driving licence." "the Garda had..." "There it is" " Prawo Jazdy." "but there we are." "Rzeczpospolita Polska." "guess who had the first driving licence in the world." "The Queen." "you couldn't be WRONGERER because the Queen has...?" "No driving licence." "No driving licence." "yet who drives." "Cheat!" "in a legal way." "She's the only one who has no legal need for a driving licence." "What does she show them at Blockbusters to prove her address?" "A twenty pound note." "That would do it." "APPLAUSE perhaps." "Who invented the motorcar?" "exactly." "the citizens demand..." "IN GERMAN ACCENT:" "I think I need a licence!" "It's a dangerous machine." "I need a licence to drive." "Now I can drive." "IN GERMAN ACCENT:" "Driving licence number one." "Zero zero zero one." "ANDY:" "I bet the first thing he did when he got on the road was stop the next bloke and go..." "IN GERMAN ACCENT:" ""Where is YOUR licence?" "dear." "IN GERMAN ACCENT:" "I will issue you with the licence." "It's five marks." "Zero zero zero TWO!" "Good day to you!" "Where is your licence?" "I will issue you with a licence." "Five marks." "Zero zero zero three." "he was so busy! which granted the first mandatory licences in Prussia." "IN GERMAN ACCENT:" "The SS..." "A." "LAUGHTER women in Lithu..." "He was still doing it!" "No." "Number one million one thousand..." "Five euros." "Where is your licence?" "LAUGHTER women had to undergo a certain test in order to get a licence." "What do you think that test was?" "In where?" "Lithuania?" "Yes." "Smear test?" "a gynaecological examination." "You're joking!" "right." "100 of them. should you pick them up and push them back in?" Is the answer yes or no?" "I should think you don't push them back in..." "You're right. .." "I would have thought." "I'm not a doctor!" "Didn't they have that weird thing in the Cultural Revolution in China?" "Traffic lights here are green for go and red for stop." "that that was incorrect and red should mean go" "Communism and all the rest of it... so on some traffic lights green was go and on some red was go and they had thousands of accidents change it back." "Wow." "Hence the probability of intestines lying on the road." "Probably where it came from in the first place." "A practical question." "they can be. just carried straight on." "so the green..." "Stephen!" "usually." "You're right." "I'm sorry." "Can we not argue?" "That is what the terrorists want." "You're right!" "voice of sanity." "the lights never hit anyone." "That's quite a good motto for driving." "It is." "IN GERMAN ACCENT:" "This is one I will use!" "ze lights never hit anyone." "Ausgezeichnet." "so can you tell me what travels from Land's End to John O'Groats every year at about one third of a mile per hour but it slows down a bit on hills?" "Does it specifically go from there to there or...?" "It goes from the south to the north but it includes going from Land's End..." "Is it a tectonic wave or..?" "I think." "which you were sort of getting towards." "Is it dress sense?" "then." "The Gulf Stream or something?" "Is it a windy thing?" "It's seasonal." "It is a season." "Winter?" "Spring." "Spring is the answer." "Spring takes eight weeks to get from the very south coast all the way up to the very north and up to the Orkneys." "But what's the definition of spring?" "There's a phenotype analysis you can do of particular common plants blooming." "they've already got daffodils out." ""They haven't got tulips yet." "It's very noticeable." ""Southern bastards"! You might like to make note that it's the first day of spring today." "it's not!" "I think you'll find I'm still freezing here." "Eight miles a day it does?" "Spring?" "Is that what we're saying?" "It takes about eight weeks to get from John O'Groats and that's about a third of a mile per hour." "You could walk and just beat spring." "Yeah." "You could." "It's a weird thought." "Very weird." "it'd go pop-pop-pop-pop." "And it would be rather beautiful." "I'm in touch with my feminine side!" "You're responding to your handwriting beautifully." "of the various things that trigger spring." "spring moving up like that." "Why do birds fly south in the winter?" "I thought you were going to sing Close To You!" "To go to Margate." "Because it's too far to walk." "Bah." "aren't they?" "you feel nicer." "More food to eat." "There's nothing like the sun on your feathers." "you can't get at them or they've died or are in a dormant state and are not available." "Food for the birds is not there." "So it is food." "Spring travels north through Britain at around one third of a mile per hour but arrives two days later for every hundred foot of elevation." "What's the point of those machines?" "Ah." "That's an eternally filling glass in the middle." "Never empty." "absolutely!" "They're all perpetual motion machines." "Or attempts to design perpetual motion machines." "What is a perpetual motion machine?" "Stephen." "Yes." "boy!" "There's more to it - there must be no input of energy." "but you should be able to get energy out." "Because it's moving." "And it transgresses what law?" "Thermodynamics." "The first and second laws of thermodynamics." "There's a Simpsons episode where Lisa builds a perpetual motion machine." "In this house we obey the laws of thermodynamics!" "It is a great line but the point is they can never work." "Leonardo actually did drawings of attempted perpetual motion machines." "He realised..." "He's drawn a chocolate orange on the top." "yes!" "How boring have you got to be to draw a diagram of how to take a chocolate orange apart?" "but I didn't know he invented that." "how many vain chimeras have you pursued?" "Go and take your place with the alchemists." "our universe is not made in such a way." "in theory." "Mr Bond. if you would." "Take a child and give them a really sugary drink." "What happens?" "I haven't got any kids." "I've no idea." "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE mental." "right." "Is that it?" "it's odd." "Almost every mother watching this will disbelieve me when I say that medical evidence shows that sugary drinks do not cause hyperactivity." "it's shocking." "it does!" "It doesn't." "Maybe it's just any sort of fuel so if you gave them a drink of water or an apple... though the parents THINK they have sugar..." "It's the parents that change!" "The parents PERCEIVE it." "And the parents who perceive it are the ones who most hover over their children and are most critical of their children's behaviour anyway." "They're the ones who apparently notice it." "Was this research funded by Coca Cola?" "We trialled this question on the QI website and none of the mothers believed us." "my child goes nuts." "but then I am very in touch with my feminine side." "don't they?" "they'll go up again." ""Oh..." "Uh..." "Oh..." "We're up!" "It seems to be quite hard work keeping an even keel through the day." "I think that's generally true." "but sugary drinks don't make children hyperactive." "That's why we call it general ignorance." "what happens if you leave teeth in a glass of cola overnight?" "They completely dissolve and disappear." "KLAXON WAILS it turns out they don't." "There was a famous occasion in 1951." "A doctor appeared before the House Of Representatives special committee." "He was called Clive McKay of Cornell University." "he said that a tooth left in a glass of Coke would begin to dissolve after two days." "it is of absolutely no relevance whatsoever because you don't soak your teeth in it." "Isn't that the one that cleans your money?" "I believe it does." "HP sauce." "That's really good at cleaning money." "It's the vinegar - that's what does it." "Is that it?" "!" "Yeah." "All that money I've been wasting on HP sauce...! You shouldn't drink Coke because it stains the inside of your stomach." "LAUGHTER isn't it(?" ") Yeah." "it's probably going to be a bit late to worry about what colour it is." "Andy." "I don't like to talk about a friend's death but at your post-mortem..." "Look at this terrible stained intestine..." "Coke-coloured tripe." "as...?" "Jam." "No." "potato crisps." "There is far more tooth decay caused by them." "No!" "they stay there and hang around." "Here's one you might actually believe." "Name an ape that walks just on two feet and isn't human." "Because we obviously walk on two feet rather than on our hands." "Only on two feet?" "it doesn't..." "Orang-utan?" "No." "KLAXON WAILS like this." "Is it a monkey with a tail?" "I seem to remember seeing..." "Phill!" "chimp." "Yes." "KLAXON WAILS in particular." "The funky gibbon especially." "Here are some gibbon." "like it's just nicked something." "It looked like he had the Mission:" "Impossible music in his head." "isn't it?" "That's Russell Brand!" "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "Do they do that just to taunt the other apes?" "They probably do." ""Can you do this?" "I can." "the way we do and gibbons do." "that's weird." "Let's finish with an easy one." "I want you to sort these creatures and phenomena into age order." "Which is the oldest?" "Oldest to youngest." "I'd put A first." "The Himalayas." "that's why they're tall." "Tall mountains are young because they haven't been worn down..." "They are the youngest thing on the board." "They are the youngest of all." "They're ONLY 20 million years old." "A." "right. then the "Himalias" or Himalayas." "our business." "Ants are contemporaneous with dinosaurs but cockroaches pre-date them by at least 55 million years and spiders are even older - 300 million years ago." "what did it catch?" "that's good." "but not cockroaches." "So the fly was first?" "the spider or the fly?" "A really good question." "Come on." "childish wisdom spills out. 65 million years ago." "And Mount Everest was only 25 million years." "So it's 25 million years younger than the youngest dinosaur." "Hmm." "A whippersnapper." "That looks like the pictures from the worst spelling book ever." "LAUGHTER" "There's a DOCKROACH in the corner and I saw a BINOSAUR..." "LAUGHTER" "Alp!" "I get Alp!" "That's very good." "everybody." "The Himal-ee-as or Himal-eye-as or Hima-lay-las... as human beings say..." "LAUGHTER" "The Himalayas have only been around for 40 million years." "The last dinosaurs died out 25 million years before they were formed." "Spiders and cockroaches are even older than dinosaurs." "That's it." "Let's look at the scores." "would you believe?" "Hugh Dennis!" "APPLAUSE" "A good score." "Thank you very much. it's Andy Hamilton!" "Gosh!" "APPLAUSE" "That's never happened before! Phill Jupitus!" "APPLAUSE" "Aw!" "Oof!" "Alan Davies!" "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you." "Alan and myself." "I'll leave you with the story of a couple who went to the Natural History Museum and they saw the big dinosaur skeleton and asked the attendant how old it was" "14 years and 3 months old." "That's amazing." "Is that carbon dating?" "How can you tell so precisely?" "they told me it was 65 million years old and I've been here 14 years and three months." "Thank you." "Good night." "APPLAUSE" "Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd" "E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk"