"No, I'm telling you, I don't mind working father's day!" "I hate my kids!" "It's like I'm a prisoner when I'm around them!" " Oh, oh." " Hey, slut, how'd you like daddy to jackhammer you?" "!" "Hey!" "Hey, baby, I..." "want to, um, smell your armpits..." "I mean, make poop..." "I mean, I want to" " make out... sorry!" " Hey, where did my jackhammer go?" "!" "Huh?" "Aah!" "Help!" "He's been keeping us prisoner done here." "Aah!" "Mr. Pickles!" "S01E02 Father's Day Pie" " Pie's almost ready!" " Well, that stinks!" " Oh?" " The boss wants me to" " come in to work today." " But it's father's day!" "Don't you want your favorite..." "cherry pie?" "!" " We'll have it later." " happy father's d..." "Mr. Pickles is evil!" "I've seen him drag people into his doghouse!" " Oh, it can't be!" " It's true!" " He keeps prisoners in there!" " The pie is gone!" " What?" "!" " Oh, no!" "A pie thief?" "Well, I'm off to work!" "Mwah!" "Maybe me and Mr. Pickles could find the pie thief!" "Sheriff, there's a horrific crime!" "Oh, down, Mr. Pickles!" "Dad, leave him alone!" "He's just a dog!" "Just come quick, sheriff!" "Good boy!" "Oh, Mr. Pickles." "You're right, boy... crumbs!" "The pie thief must be close!" "Whoa, what's this?" "Bigfoot." " Hello?" "Anybody here?" " Happy father's day, Goodman!" "Why am I the only one here?" "I'm here!" "I've been stuck here all weekend!" " Oh, hi, Floyd." " I haven't seen my father in years!" "So, today, we're gonna do all the things that fathers and sons do together." "Uh, but I'd rather spend the day with my son." "I'd rather spend the day with these butter cookies!" "You still want that promotion, don't you?" "Uh, you want me to act like your father?" "No, no, no, no, no." "I want you to act like my son." "Hey, bigfoot, you stole the pie!" "I'm telling!" "Good luck with that, kid." "Ain't nobody gonna believe you saw bigfoot." "Well, why not?" "Okay, okay, let me explain." "I was born Vito Pizzarelli." "Early on, I went to work for the wise guys..." " Hey!" " ...getting them sandwiches..." " Oh!" " ...newspapers, cigarettes, that type of a thing." "Eventually, I became one of the" " mob's most feared hit men." " Huh?" "!" "But one day, the feds caught up with me." "They forced me to rat on the entire Gabagoolie criminal organization, and the feds put me in the witness protection program." "They extended my forehead, my feet, legs..." "Plugged hair follicles into my skin, and I became the mythical creature known as "bigfoot" and ended my life of crime." "So, like I said, good luck with that." "No one's ever gonna believe you saw bigfoot." "That's why it's the perfect identity for the witness protection program." "But that was my dad's father's day pie!" "Oh!" "Oops!" "Almost!" "I got it!" "Uh, no." "Ah, geez!" "How's about you and me make your dad a new pie?" "Oh, boy!" "But on one condition." "That stuff I told you about my real name being Vito Pizzarelli..." " Yeah?" " ...forget about it!" "Seriously, forget about it." "They will murder us both." "I'm telling you, Mr. Pickles has prisoners in his doghouse!" "I can hear them in there!" "Dad, please!" "Before you launch into another crazy story, happy father's day." "Oh, we used to have such fun!" "I'll tell you what." "I promise not to mention Mr. Pickles for the rest of the day." "Knock, knock!" "Now, what's this crime you needed to tell me about, huh?" "Uh..." "Uh, somebody stole a... pie?" "A pie thief?" "!" "Well, the first 24 hours are the most important!" "I'm on it!" "Wheeeeeeee!" "I'm still here!" "See ya." "Bye!" "Well, here's your father's day card... dad." "Looks like you put a lot of work into this." " Too bad it's garbage!" " What?" "You're a lousy son!" "I wish you were never born!" "And I wish I was born with three arms." "Oh, yeah!" "Okay, stay here, kid." " I'll do the shopping." "You're the lookout." " Okay, bigfoot!" "Everybody listen up, and nobody gets hurt!" " Bigfoot!" " Short lady, get me a stick of butter!" "Fat man... eggs!" "Glasses... pound of flour!" " Hi, Linda!" " You're all done with your bath now!" "Hey, Tommy!" "This is Linda Jr.!" "I'm Tommy, and this is Mr. Pickles." "Why do you call him "Mr. Pickles"?" "'Cause he loves Pickles, and he gets one every time he's a good boy!" "Y'all seen a pie thief around here?" " Sheriff's offering a reward." " It was bigfoot!" "Everybody know bigfoot don't exist!" " Besides, the pie thief looks like this!" " Oh, I know who that is!" " Who, mama?" " That's your daddy!" " Here you go, bigfoot!" " I know what you're thinking." "Cream Sherry?" "Well, it gives cherry pie just the right amount of mwah!" "Aah!" "Here's your voyeur tape!" "Hey, stop trying to break in here!" "There's no dogs allow... ow!" "Aah!" "Huh?" "!" "That dog's trying to break in again!" "There he is!" "Aah!" "Now, if you're thinking you can tell people you've seen me, good luck with that." "Nobody will believe you." "Oh, one more thing!" "How much do I owe you?" "Come on, Mr. Pickles!" "Finally, something to blog about!" "LMAO!" "Someone down in old town posted he'd seen a bigfoot in a grocery store buying cherry-pie ingredients, including cream sherry!" "Ah, what an idiot." "Bigfoot don't exist." "But wasn't cream sherry Vito Pizzarellis special ingredient?" "So?" "Suppose, in order to undermine the credibility of any sighting of a protected witness, the feds gave snitches new identities as mythical creatures such as a centaur or a mermaid." "No, no, mermaids is real." "I seent one in a river." "Mythical creatures is more like space goblins or the cheese man!" " Or a unicorn." " Hey, some people was also brutally murdered at the same grocery store!" "It's Vito Pizzarelli!" "This is really nice, dad." "I haven't enjoyed myself this much since..." "Uh..." "Help!" "Shh!" " Dad?" " Uh, do you have any fours?" "And another time, my dad showed me how to fish, and another time, my dad showed me what a turtle was!" " And another time..." " Yeah, yeah, kid." " Looks like the pie's done." " Wow, it looks just" " like mom's pie!" " Well, let me know how it goes." "It gets lonely out here being bigfoot." "You dropped another one, son!" "Now, what did you want to say to me?" "!" " Say it!" " I'm..." " You say it!" " I'm so happy to" " spend father's day with you." " Now take me to the diner!" "Oh, come on, boy." "Dad doesn't really want to spend father's day with me." " Oh, yeah!" " Hi, again, bigfoot!" "Tommy, what are you doing?" "!" "Stay over there!" "But I brought my dad his pie, and he was having father's day with someone else!" "All right, I got a new plan." "Beat it, toots." "Get yourself some berries." "♪ You and I ♪" "♪ I and you ♪ ♪ u-u-u-u-u-u-us ♪" "You still got it, sweetheart!" "Well, I learned from the best." "Now, how about I go buy you some ice cream?" "Oh, thank you!" "This is the best father's day since..." "Help!" "Help me!" "I've been held prisoner by an" " evil dog!" " That makes you a witness!" "Aah!" "It's your dog!" " Get away!" " Wait!" "Ugh!" "Why'd you do that, huh?" "!" "Why'd you do that, son?" "!" " What the..." " I'll take care of it." "No, my boy made a mess, and he's gonna clean it up... with" " his mouth." " No, I won't do it!" " Do it." "Do it." " I won't!" "Don't talk back to your father!" " Eat it, or you're fired!" " Oh, just eat it?" " Yeah, I guess I could." " Now, kid, I want you to go in there and hit him in the face with this pie." " But I love my dad!" " Sometimes, in order to remind someone how much they love you, you must hurt them... badly." "Now go." " Oh, no... the Gabagoolies!" " Dad?" "Oh, Tommy!" "Uh..." "I know you didn't want to spend father's day with me, but I still think you're the best dad in the whole world!" " No, he's not!" "I am!" " Boss, you can take" " my job and shove it up your a..." " Hold it, kid!" " Where'd you get that pie, huh?" "!" " You wouldn't believe" " me if I told you!" " Oh, yeah, wise guy?" "Try me!" " Or I blow your brains out!" " Tommy, watch out!" " Don't get shot!" " I'll tell you where he got" " the pie." " Huh?" "!" " From bigfoot!" " Vito Pizzarelli!" "Tell the deer I said goodbye." "I'm so glad we got to spend some time together on" " father's day, dad!" " Yeah, yeah, yeah," " Tommy, me too!" " It's so great to spend the" " day with my son and my grandson!" " Huh?" "!" "Where's Mr. Pickles?" "!" "I've seen a lot of things, dog, but ain't nobody gonna believe me when I tell them about this." "Help!" "Someone help!" "No!" "Huh?" "!" " Good luck with that!" " Wait!" "We can expose Mr. Pickles together!" "No!" "Drop the weapon, you murdering pie thief!" " Good work, Mr. Pickles!" " But it was the dog a-and bigfoot!" "Bigfoot?" "And I'm a unicorn, right?" "Hmm." "Nice doggy!" "I didn't see nothing!" "Hot dang it, we're too late!" "Sorry, boys!" "Mr. Pickles beat us to it." "Well, who's gonna get the reward?" "That dog sure is one smart son of a gun!" "Oh!" "Father?" "You came back!" "You're a lousy son!" "I wish you were never born!" "Aww, happy father's day, dad!" "Oh, something about this pie doesn't taste right to me." "I think it's even better than usual, dear, thanks to Tommy and Mr. Pickles for" " finding the pie." " Forget about it!" "Good boy, Mr. Pickles!" "Dad, can we get some of those jumbo pickles from the grocery?" "Sorry, Tommy." " I didn't get that promotion." " Besides, the grocery store was closed for some reason." "I couldn't get the ice cream you wanted." "Well, I know something you could do instead." "Now you'll finaly see!" "He's keeping prisoners in... huh?" "Happy father's day, dad." "No!" "It can't be!" "Hey, boss, we robbing a bank or something?"