"ANNOUNCER:" "This is the story of two sisters," "Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell." "These are the Tates, and these are the Campbells." "And this is Soap." "[ALL CLAMORING]" "[♪]" "[WHIRS]" "Oh!" "Jess." "Oh!" "Mary." "Good." "Look what I'm making us." "Some little drinks with umbrellas." "I need the practice." "I had this the other night at a Polynesian restaurant, and I stabbed my lip with a toothpick and shoved an umbrella up my nose." "Jess, you know I would never hurt you." "Never ever." "Of course not, Mary." "I know you'd never shove an umbrella up my nose." "You'd probably take it out." "I mean, intentionally hurt you." "Of course not." "Except for that one time you shoved me out of the tree when I was 8 years old." "And we've always had each other, no matter what." "Anyway, I deserved to be pushed out of the tree because I'd put a spider in your Jell-O before it Jell-O'd, remember?" "And you were eating away." "[LAUGHS]" "It's been the most important thing in my life, Jess, that you've always been there for me, and I've always been there for you." "Mm-hm." "And it would kill me, Jess, if what I'm about to tell you changed that." "But I have to tell you." "You have to know." "You know Danny was shot." "I know that, Mary." "It happened in my house." "And he was shot in the kidneys." "The kidneys." "Thank God it wasn't the heart or the brain, where there's only one." "He was shot in two kidneys, Jess." "I see." "And what about the rest?" "The rest of what?" "Of his kidneys." "He only has two." "Oh, I'm sorry, Mary." "That's all anyone has." "Really?" "I thought there were more." "When I used to buy beef kidneys for Fluffy, it always came a whole bunch in a package." "No, Jess, we only have two... and Danny was shot in both." "And now he needs a new kidney." "Oh, Mary, where are you going to get one?" "Well, uh, from a donor, Jess." "That's what I've come to talk to you about." "Oh, well." "Well, you've got it, Mary." "Take mine." "Either." "Both of them." "They're yours." "You take my kidneys." "I'll get my coat." "No, Jess." "He can't use yours." "Now, Mary," "I know it's a woman's kidney, but you have to tell Danny nobody will ever know." "It'll be on the inside." "No one will ever be able to tell." "No, Jess." "We have a donor." "The only donor that we can use." "Um..." "Danny's father." "Mary, sit down." "Now..." "Mary, I..." "I know that you've been under a lot of strain." "I know you're tired, Mary." "Mary, Danny's father is dead." "No, Jess." "Danny's father is Chester." "Chester?" ""Chester," Chester?" "You mean, the Chester I know?" "It happened before you were married." "Before you were even going together." "You and Chester?" "I'm so sorry, Jess." "And you never told me." "You got married." "I didn't want to hurt you." "I couldn't find a good reason to tell you and... risk hurting you." "What good would have come of it?" "[SIGHS]" "Ooh!" "You and Chester." "I should have told you." "I can't believe it." "Oh, Jess... please don't be angry with me." "All these years, and you never told me." "Practically our whole lives." "I trusted you with everything." "With all my thoughts and my most private fears." "And you knew everything about my marriage, when my marriage was everything in my life." "When I let you know every corner of my soul, and..." "Oh." "You kept it from me." "You sat there listening and knowing that." "Oh, Mary." "I feel so totally, totally betrayed." "I don't know." "[SOBS]" "[LAUGHS]" "Hi, honey." "Hi, Ma." "How you doing?" "Okay." "Mwah." "Mm." "The doctor says you're doing just fine." "You just need a lot of rest... and a new kidney, but other than that..." "A kidney?" "A whole kidney?" "Yeah." "But I have a kidney." "Well, no." "You had a kidney." "Actually, you had two." "And now you don't have any." "Do I really need one?" "It helps." "So what are they gonna do, just... put one in?" "Well, that's what I wanted to talk to you about." "Uh... someone is gonna donate one of theirs." "Blech!" "You mean, they're gonna put someone else's kidney in my body?" "Yeah." "Whose?" "Uh, Mary." "Mary, how much longer?" "I'm in the 20-minute zone." "If I'm giving up a kidney, I don't want to get a ticket." "Wait, wait, wait." "Wait a minute." "Ma, Chester?" "Uh..." "You're the donor?" "She didn't tell you?" "Uh, I was about to." "All right, Chester, why are you doing it?" "What's in it for you?" "In it for me?" "There's nothing in it for me." "It's for you." "Without a kidney, you'll eventually die." "And if I'm the only one that can prevent that, well, I... kind of have to." "And if I die, well, then I'll die knowing that I died in order for you to live." "Of course, that won't mean a lot to me after I'm dead." "Feeling better today?" "Oh, great." "Tiptop." "King of the hill!" "Nurse, please, don't let them take my kidney, please!" "Chester!" "Ahem." "Sorry." "A little preoperative hysteria." "I'm fine." "I don't want your kidney, Chester." "Oh!" "Well, we tried, Mary." "I'll be in the gift shop..." "Stay, Chester!" "Danny, there is a very good reason why you're new kidney has to come from Uncle Chester." "But I don't even like him." "Why can't I have one of Burt's?" "We both drink light beer." "Because Danny..." "Because..." "Be... cause." "Um... well, because Danny, um... you need the kidney of a blood relative." "Well, so that means you can't." "Why not Jodie?" "Well, someone like your father." "Close." "Don't talk about my father." "He's dead." "He was a crook and a murderer, and he's dead." "Well, it's two out of three." "Um..." "Danny..." "I'm your daddy." "[LAUGHS]" "Ow." "Oh." "Don't." "Danny, don't laugh, because if you break a spleen or something, you're on your own." "I draw the line at organs I don't have an abundance of." "Shh!" "Oh, what a sense of humor." "[LAUGHS UNCOMFORTABLY]" "Ma, is he serious?" "It's a long story." "I..." "Well..." "I don't believe it." "You see, I don't either." "Now, there's two people right there." "So let's not rush into something we'll all be sorry about later." "Mary, coffee shop." "Oh!" "Danny, would you like a Snickers?" "Sit, Chester." "Danny, it's true." "It was a long time ago, but it's true." "Chester's my father?" "The person I respect the least in the whole world has my chromotons." "You think I'm overjoyed?" "Could you leave me alone?" "Both of you." "Danny, I know that you're confused, and you probably hate me right now." "What do you want me to do, Ma?" "Jump out of bed, kiss him and call him Daddy?" "Danny..." "Please!" "Get out." "Danny, you don't have to forgive me, ever... but there's..." "one big reason why you could never hate Chester." "Why?" "He gave me you." "[♪]" "Yeah, no, Mare." "Please, I'm fine." "Just, how is Danny?" "Will you stop with the powder?" "What's the matter with you?" "Come on, Mare, please." "I mean, does the kidney fit?" "Is he...?" "What?" "Is he...?" "Lips?" "What's with the lips?" "Leave me alone, pal." "Yeah." "No, sorry." "No, Mare, not you." "I got some..." "I got a clown over here." "Mare... please, is everything okay?" "You sure?" "Mary, I'm fine, really." "Listen..." "Yeah, I'm gonna be on with the governor here." "Yeah, all right." "I'll tell him." "I'll tell him." "I'll tell him." "All right, Mare." "Listen, listen." "I love you, all right?" "And you tell Danny I love him." "And everybody else over there, you tell them I love them, all right?" "And listen, Mare..." "when you see me on TV, don't be shocked, all right?" "I'm wearing lipstick." "What is it?" "What are you doing with me here?" "Who am I, Barbra Streisand?" "I'm gonna meet the governor here with mascara?" "Get away from me." "Hey, Sheriff," "I'm Morty Stevens, the director." "Welcome to the news." "I'd like you to meet Governor Rodenbach." "Governor, I am..." "Hello, hi, sir." "This is..." "My wife says hello." "You're a heck of a guy, Campbell." "Is that the way you pronounce it, "Campbell"?" "Uh, yes, sir." "So the "p" is silent, like the "k" in knife." "Yes, sir." "That's very confusing, a "p" in Campbell." "I don't understand that." "Well, thank you, sir." "This is our anchorman, Philip Glen Smith." "Congratulations, Sheriff." "This is probably the biggest crime bust since they captured Hitler." "You know, I don't think they ever captured him." "Of course, we'll be asking the questions." "Now, Sheriff, what's your first name?" "Bart?" "No, that's Burt." "Burt." "Bart would been better." "Governor, what do you think?" "Bart's got more bite." "Yeah." "Bart, Bart. See what I mean." "Well, my mother thought it was a little ostentatious." "Too much bite." "Should be more Oldie West-y." "Like..." "Black Bart." "Excuse me, sir." "Think that's too much of a bite?" "Excuse me." "My kid's in the hospital." "So I'd like to get this over with." "Let's just leave it Burt." "Okay, Burt, now, run it by me once, exactly how you captured these guys." "And don't skimp on the action." "Well, I exchanged some gunfire with some of the bodyguards." "No good." "No good?" "The gun is too ordinary." "We have to accent the bat." "You did have a bat, right?" "Yeah." "Bat, Bat." "There we go." "Bat Campbell." "Bat." "I like it." "Burt, you like Bat?" "[MUTTERING]" "This bat is no good." "It doesn't work." "This is little league." "Props, get me another bat." "We need a bigger bat for Burt here." "That's my bat." "He took my bat!" "Bart." "No it's Burt, not Bart." "Burt." "Bring the bat back, please." "We want to play up the bat." "And forget about the gun." "But that's not what really happened." "Burty, baby, this is the news, show biz." "I need the ratings." "PRODUCER:" "Standby, in 20 seconds." "Places, everybody." "Burt." "Burt." "Here." "The gov's over there." "Now, speak up, and always watch the cameras with the red lights, huh?" "PRODUCER:" "Ten seconds." "All right, let's do it." "PRODUCER:" "Five, four, three, two..." "[DRAMATIC INTRO PLAYS]" "ANNOUNCER:" "It's On the Spot News with anchorman Philip Glen Smith." "And now, here's Philip." "Thank you and welcome to On the Spot News." "On the spot is the governor of our state and Sheriff Bart Campbell, who single-handedly made the largest organized crime bust of the century." "Sheriff Campbell, tell us how you did it." "I hit him." "Yes, he struck a blow for America and sent organized crime crashing to the canvas." "Uh, no, no." "I was just doing my job." "Just doing my job." "An American man following the American dream." "A man possessed by an anger, by a passion." "Wait a minute." "Guys..." "A man who dared go where no man had gone before." "Excuse me." "Making our land a greater place to live." "Sir." "With pioneer wisdom and one lone baseball bat, he marched into a veritable snake pit." "And there with God and raw courage on his side." "Excuse me, Governor." "Let me say." "That's not what happened." "Thank you, Sheriff." "No, wait a minute." "Wait a minute, here." "It's just..." "It's very simple." "It just that sooner or later everybody's gonna have to stand up and protect their own." "I mean, people are gonna have to learn." "They're gonna say no, you can't take this from me." "Or no, you may not do that to me." "And when people find out it's up to them to say no, then they have to make a choice." "I chose to say no." "There's no big deal here, there's no courage." "It's just that somebody hurt my kid, my family." "And you can't let people go around hurting you or your family, so you don't..." "I gotta go." "I got..." "My kid's in the hospital." "I gotta go see him." "Excuse me." "[MIKE REVERBERATES]" "Ladies and gentlemen, you heard it here." "The answer pure and simple:" "A modest man saying no." "That's right, Philip." "Should men like this be limited by local office?" "No." "Men like this have too much to give our country." "And that is why I have chosen that brave human being to head my war on crime." "At last, a man who says no." "Sheriff Bat Campell." "Coming up next, our special segment:" "schooling... and why it's a good thing." "[DRAMATIC MUSIC]" "Okay, here we are." "We'll be back in a minute to knock you boys out." "Well, so much for bedside manner." "Hello." "Yeah." "What are you writing?" "My will." "Oh." "Do you spell bequeath with a "c" or a "k"?" "Uh, what are you bequeathing?" "My guitar." "I didn't know you played guitar." "I've had it for years." "Huh." "It's funny learning things about someone you've known a long time." "We've found out a lot about each other." "You play the guitar." "I'm your father." "You gave it to me." "I did?" "Christmas, 1965." "Oh!" "Who are you willing it to?" "You." "Hey, it's the least I can do." "After all, you're giving me a kidney." "Yeah." "Thanks." "The thing is, I gotta put a rider on it saying that if you die, it goes to your next of kin, which is me." "Boy, legal red tape, I'm telling you." "I'm... finding it real hard to believe that you're my father." "Yeah, well, believe me, I find it hard to believe too." "We don't look anything alike." "Oh, my God." "What?" "I have to go to the bathroom." "I don't believe it." "They're taking out a kidney, and I have to go the bathroom." "Boy, when it rains, it pours." "Chester." "Chester, try and relax." "They're gonna be wheeling us in soon." "[WHIMPERS]" "One kidney." "I'll have one kidney." "That's all you need." "Oh, really, Dr. Schweitzer?" "That's what Dr. Art Ulene said on the Today Show." "One kidney is like having one lip." "Mm." "Come on." "Don't complain." "I'm only gonna have one too." "Yeah, mine." "What happens if I need it sometime?" "I'll give it back to you." "What will you do with no kidneys?" "I won't drink." "That'll help." "What if I start to develop your habits?" "What if I turn into you?" "This isn't a brain transplant, you idiot." "How old were you when you started balding?" "I'm not balding." "I'm gonna have a scar." "Scar, psssh." "You could die on the table." "Nurse!" "Nurse!" "Chester, relax." "You're getting hysterical." "Hysterical, me?" "I'm not hysterical." "I'm perfectly calm." "I am being extraordinarily composed during this time of enormous stress..." "Stress that would probably kill a lesser man." "I spit at danger." "Ha." "I laugh at pain." "Bring on the doctors." "Let them do their worst." "Ha, ha." "Showtime." "Ah!" "No!" "No, no!" "Mommy, mommy, mommy." "We're gonna have to put you out now, guys." "Uh, you're gonna put that needle in and then tell me to count backwards from 100, aren't you?" "It won't work." "I can't be put out." "It won't flow through my veins." "I swear to God." "Chester." "What?" "Good luck." "Oh." "Good luck." "Okay, now..." "once I put the needle in, you'll feel a little warmth in your chest." "This isn't going to work." "Believe me." "It's no use." "I won't go under." "It's a complete waste of time." "Nobody's ever been able to put me out." "Ask my dentist." "You're gonna be very embarrassed." "Now, count." "BOTH:" "One hundred." "Ninety-nine." "[♪]" "ANNOUNCER:" "Now that Burt's heroism has made him a celebrity, will he continue to fight crime, or will he want his own television series?" "What will be the outcome of Danny's operation?" "Will his body accept Chester's kidney?" "Will Chester's kidney accept Danny's body?" "And what about the two sisters?" "Will Jessica ever forgive Mary?" "Will Mary ever forgive herself?" "Or will her shocking confession destroy the Tates and Campbells forever?" "These questions and many others will be answered in the next episode of Soap." "[♪]"