"Just straight through there and to the left, please." "Okay." "Would you like to..." "Who's this?" " Pardon me?" " That's not my father." "Oh, shit, we've taken the wrong one." "Really sorry about that, sir." "We'll go back and get him." "Come on." "Jesus." "They brought the wrong coffin." "You're joking." "Can you believe that?" "It's a good job I checked." "Could have been having a service for some random member of the public." "What kind of Mickey Mouse business are these people running, anyway?" "My God!" "There's just so much to worry about, you know." "And Mum's in a state." "Robert's clearly not gonna do anything to help, assuming he gets here at all." "Plus, this eulogy's just awful." " I'm sure it's not awful, Daniel." " Yeah, it is." "It is." "Everyone's going to be thinking, "Why isn't Robert doing the eulogy?" ""He's such a great writer. " Maybe I should just let him do it." "You are every bit as good a writer as your brother, Daniel, if not better." "You've just got to let somebody else read your novel." "Yeah, everything's going to be okay." "Once the funeral's over, we've just got to focus on moving out of here and starting our own lives properly." "You did call them, didn't you, Daniel?" "You did put the deposit on the flat?" "Yeah, I'll sort it out, I promise." "God, I hate funerals." "Don't you?" "Really, they're just so depressing." "I don't know, it's just the death and everything." "Do you know what I mean?" "Do you agree, Justin?" "Justin?" "Yeah, they're all right." "All right?" "Sorry, how could you possibly think that they're all right?" "Why are you even coming to this?" "Anyway, you don't even know Daniel." "I do know Daniel." "I met him a couple of times." "A couple of times." "But he's not a friend, is he?" " No, not a friend." " Sorry, if you're going to smoke, would you please put that out of the window?" "I'd really rather not get your cancer, thank you very much." "I've got enough of my own problems to be worrying about." "Yeah?" "Like what?" "Like the discoloration on my wrist that I keep telling you about." "Look at it." "It's fucked." "I'm fucked." "Why are you even coming?" "It's because of Martha, isn't it?" "Justin." "Are you okay?" "Not too bad, thanks, Martha." "I'm a bit nervous." "About seeing my dad?" "I just don't think I've ever been so openly hated by anyone before." "He just hates everyone." "You mustn't take it to heart." "You need to relax with him." "I can't help it." "He puts me on edge." "He's going to be more concerned that his sister's husband's just died." "He's not going to be focused on you." "Anyway, I'm sure when I tell him that we're getting married then, you know, he'll start to learn to accept you." "You sure about that?" "Of course." "I don't really see Victor as the accepting type." "We're on our way to a funeral, you wanker!" "Don't you have any respect?" "Okay." "Calm down." "It's all right, it's all right." "Breathe." "In through your nose, okay?" "Deep breaths." "You all right?" " Yeah." " Fucking tosser." "Okay, I'm going to go down." "Hopefully they've brought the right coffin this time." " I'll come with you." " No, it's okay." "I can do it." "Oh, no, I know you can." "I'm just going to come check on the seating." "Make sure there's enough room for Uncle Alfie." "Oh, shit." "Shit!" "Shit!" "Hello?" "Hello, mate, how are you?" "All right?" "Yeah." "Of course I remember Uncle Alfie." "Yeah." "Absolutely fine." "Yeah, yeah." "No, not a problem at all." "No." "Of course I don't mind." "All right." "Yeah, don't worry." "All right." "No, it's fine, I promise." "All right, we'll see you soon." "Okay, bye." "Shit!" "So, is this your father, sir?" "Yes, it is, yes." "Hey, Mum." "You all right?" "I just don't know what I'm going to do without him." " What have I got to live for now?" " Mum, don't be silly." "You've got your friends, family." "You've got me and Jane and Robert." "Where is Robert?" "Have you heard from him?" "His plane was just landed at 10:00, but he'll be here, don't worry." "Now, if there's anything I can do, Sandra." "Don't put your hand there, dear." "You'll leave smudge marks." "All right." "No, I'll get them to you this evening." "No, no can do this afternoon." "I've got a funeral." "Yeah, my uncle died." "Yeah, tragic." "No, I'm telling you, mate, this is really powerful stuff." "Yeah, you really only need to take half." "No, trust me, they're going to blow your fucking head off." "All right, I got to go." "Sister's here." "I'll take them with me and drop them by after the funeral." "Okay, catch you later." "Bye." "Yeah, hang on." "Hi." "How's it going?" "Troy, you're not ready." "Come on, we're gonna be late." "Just need to put on my trousers and I'm done." "You guys okay?" "Simon's a bit freaked out." "We just had some asshole driver" " almost ram us off the road." " Really?" "Fucking bastards." "Make yourselves comfy." "I'll be two minutes." "What are these pills all over the place?" "Troy's studying to be a pharmacist." "Are you okay?" "I'm a bit shaky." "Not much, just a..." "Just a bit." "Here, have one of these." "It'll calm you down." "Are you sure?" "Absolutely." "It's just Valium." "I used to take them all the time." "It'll make you feel better, honestly." "Come on, open wide." "Ready." "Thank you." "Hello?" "Robert?" "Robert." "Hi, Mum." "Oh, darling." "How are you, sweetheart?" " Hey." " Hey." " Hey, how are you doing?" "Yeah?" " Okay." "Okay." "I'm okay." " Okay." "Hi." " Hi, Robert." " How are you?" " Good." "Good." "How are you?" " Great." " How was the flight?" "Great." "There was a lot of turbulence, which was a bit worrying." "But, I mean, I guess that's the thing about first class." "It doesn't matter how much you pay for the ticket, if the plane crashes, you're all gonna end up dead." "Sorry." "No, no, I'll..." "Don't worry." "Oh, shit." "That's him." "Jesus, Howard, you didn't say he was going to be in a fucking wheelchair." "Uncle Alfie." "Hello." "We're here to take you to the funeral." "Where the fuck have you been?" "You're late." "This is bloody grim, isn't it?" " It's not supposed to be fun, Robert." " I know, but Jesus." "I feel like my heart has been wrenched out of my ribcage." "It's awful." "Well, that's grief for you." "This is why I prefer not to have close relationships with people." "There's too much emotion involved." "Well, I'm just glad that you're gonna be here with Mum." "Well, yeah." "Well, not for long, 'cause Jane and I are moving out." "Well, what about Mum?" "I was thinking maybe she'd like to come to New York with you for a bit." "Well, don't be ridiculous." "I can't take her to New York." "What am I gonna do with her, take her to parties?" "But we've already decided." "We're putting a deposit on a flat." " And I'm gonna need the money." " What money?" "The money for all this, for the funeral." "You agreed to pay for half." " Did I?" " Yeah." " Oh, right." " Yeah, so..." "Yeah, well, I don't have it on me, Daniel." "I can get it to you in a few months." "In a few months?" "Robert, I need it now." "I need the money now." "Yeah, well, that's not gonna happen, is it?" "'Cause I'm totally skint." "What do you mean you're skint?" "You're a successful novelist." "You live in New York." "You've got a penthouse apartment in New York." "What do you mean?" "Yeah, and do you have any idea how much it costs for the upkeep?" "Besides which, I've just had to lay out a fortune for the flight over here." "Do you know how much they're charging for first class nowadays?" "It's a fucking disgrace!" "So, poor old Uncle Eddie, eh?" " Yeah." " Eh?" "Yes." "Did you ever meet Uncle Eddie, Simon?" "Simon?" "Was there a dog in here just now?" "What?" "I'm sure there was a dog in here." "What the hell are you talking about?" "There's just nowhere to park." " This is ridiculous." " How about over there?" "That guy's coming out over there." " Oh, right." " Take it, take it!" "All right!" "What are you doing?" "Are you mental?" "Sorry." "Excuse me?" "Hi, sorry." "Oh, hi, Martha." "I was just about to park there, actually." "Yeah, well, are you a relative, Howard?" "No, I'm not, but..." "Hey, Martha." "Who's that?" " What's happening?" " Did you see that?" "She barely even looked at me." "I said, what's happening?" "Are we there?" "Oh, my God, we've got Uncle Alfie in the car." "I cannot believe I forgot to say we've got Uncle Alfie in the car." "All right!" "Keep your hair on!" "What the hell's going on?" "She barely even looked." "It's very green here, isn't it?" "It's very..." "It's green!" "Simon." "What the hell is the matter with you?" "What do you mean?" "All this talking about phantom dogs and things being green." "What's going on?" "I don't know." "Wow!" "Martha, is Simon normally like this?" "Of course he's not normally like this." "Something's not right." "Hello." "Oh, I think it must be the Valium." " Valium?" " Yeah." "I gave him a Valium from your flat." "I think he's just not used to it." "Oh, right." "Do you want to get any closer?" "You're going the wrong way." "Stop the car, Howard." "I need to speak to Martha." " What?" " I need to speak to her." "I need to speak to Martha." "What about Alfie?" "I need help with Uncle Alfie." " We're gonna be late!" " Ow!" "Could you please stop doing that?" "Thank you very much for coming." "It's lovely to see you." "It won't be long." "It's weird being back here." "I feel so out of it." "Well, it's because you're living in a different country, you lose touch." "Who are these people, anyway?" "I don't even recognize any of them." "Who the hell's that guy?" "I have no idea." "It's probably a friend of Dad's from work or something." "So listen, you're telling me that I have to pay for this entire funeral?" "I can't draw money out of thin air, Daniel." "Oh, Jesus fucking Christ!" "Daniel, how's everything going?" "Fine, thanks, Reverend Davidson." "We're just waiting for everyone to arrive, then we can get started." "Great." "Thank you." "Have you met my brother Robert?" "The writer, of course." "It's a pleasure to meet you." "I've read several of your novels." "Really?" "You must be very proud of your brother." "Yes, very proud." "And will you be making the eulogy today?" "No, Daniel will be doing the eulogy." "Great." "I'll just make sure I have everything I need." "Listen, I think you should do the eulogy." "Everyone's expecting you to do it, and I'll just make a mess of it, anyway." "Don't be silly." "You'll be..." "You'll be fine." "All these can go through now." "How's my little sister?" "Just very sad." "He was a wonderful husband, wasn't he?" "So attentive." "So devoted." "Can I get you a cup of tea, Sandra?" "Tea can do many things, Jane, but it can't bring back the dead." ""My father was an exceptional man... "" ""My father..." "My father was an exceptional man. "" "Daniel, have you called yet about the deposit?" "No, I haven't yet, no." "Why don't you give me the number, and I could do it?" "Jane, don't make it obvious, but you see that guy standing by the table?" "See?" "Do you recognize him at all?" "He's really staring at me." "Are you listening to me at all?" "We have to put the deposit on that flat before it's too late." " You understand?" " I know." "All right." "Come on, get on with it." "I am." "You'll break it." "Hurry up, we're late." "Oh, God!" ""My father was an exceptional man. "" "My God, that Katie's grown up a bit, hasn't she?" " What?" " Katie." "She was like a little girl when I left, and now she's..." "She's fit." "I might go and have a chat with her." "Yeah, why don't you do that?" ""My father was an exceptional man. "" "Hello there." "Hello." "I was really sorry to hear about your father." "Mmm." "He always talked about you, said you were a good son." "Thank you." "Did he ever mention me?" "Peter." "Peter?" "No, I don't think so." "Were you friends with Dad?" "Mmm-hmm." "Well, okay." "Nice to meet you, and thank you for coming." "Come on." "Put your back into it." "Jesus!" "Push the bloody thing!" "I am pushing." ""My father was an exceptional man." "He was born... "" "Daniel, I really think we should be calling everyone in now" " to start the service." " Sure." "Really, I'm only supposed to be here until 3:00." "Sure." "Do you mind though if we wait just five minutes for my Uncle Alfie?" "We really shouldn't start without him, if possible." "Of course, of course." "I'll go..." "Look." "Isn't it beautiful?" "Martha, could I have a word?" "Excuse me." "What?" "What is it?" "Okay, I have to tell you something." "And I'm warning you in advance, you're not gonna like it." "Good to see you." "Thank you for coming as well." " Daniel." "Hello, Robert." " Hello, Uncle Victor." "Uncle Victor, how are you?" "Well..." " Sad day." " Yeah." "So, how are things in New York?" "Great." "Really good, yeah." "What's all this nonsense I hear about you not doing the eulogy?" "That's right." "Daniel's gonna do the eulogy." "Well, that's a damn shame." "I mean, I'm sure Daniel will be fine, but after all, you are the writer in the family." "Will you just excuse me a second?" "So, any new books coming out?" " I'll just get my things together." " Sure." "You all right?" "Every single bloody person wants Robert to do the eulogy." "He was my father, too, wasn't he?" "I'm just as entitled to do the bloody eulogy." "Yes, of course you are." "Of course you are." "And it's going to be the best bloody eulogy anybody's ever heard." "Did you hear?" "Apparently, Robert won't be doing the eulogy." "What did you just say?" "I said the Valium you gave to Simon wasn't actually Valium." "It's an hallucinogenic concoction." "You know, stuff like acid, mescaline, a little ketamine." "This isn't funny, Troy." "I'm not being funny." "Look at him." "He's off his tits!" "You absolute little twat!" "What the hell are you doing leaving this stuff around your flat?" "I didn't know someone was gonna take it, did I?" "Who just goes into someone else's flat and takes random pills?" "They were in a Valium bottle." "Fuck, Troy!" "What the hell am I meant to do?" " Should I tell him?" " No!" "Don't do that." "It'll just freak him out completely." "I think we should just keep a very close eye on him." "Make sure he doesn't get out of control." "And don't let him spend too long talking to one person." "Shit." "Hey, Dad, how are you doing?" "You're late." "Hey, Dad." "Hi, Troy." "You missing university today?" "Yeah, not to worry, though." "I'll catch up." "I know, I'm not worried about you." "I see you've brought your friend along." "His name's Simon." "Simon." "And of course" "I brought him along, he's my boyfriend." "Martha." "So good to see you." "I'm so sorry, Aunt Sandra." "We're gonna miss Uncle Edward terribly." "Thank you." "He was a great guy." "Yes." "Yes, he was." "Thank you, Troy." "Simon, this is my..." "I'm so sorry about the death." "I'm so sorry." "Thank you." "And everything." "Come on, Simon." "What are you gonna do?" "I don't know." "I can't leave, can I?" "Aunt Sandra'll never speak to me again." "Oh, shit!" "Hey, Martha." "Hey, you look nice." "I'm dressed for a funeral." "Yeah, but still." "So, I heard about the engagement." "What's that about?" "Who told you that?" "I haven't even told my dad." "Is that the guy you're gonna marry?" "You're gonna spend the rest of your life with him?" "Yep, that's him." " Simon?" " Martha." "Martha." "You're slow." "Come on!" "Any chance of a hand, Justin?" "Hey, lift it, lift it!" "Lift it." "Lift it." "You got to lift it." "Hi, Daniel." "Actually, there's something I really wanted to talk to you about" " when you have a moment." " Okay, that's great." "Do you mind if we do it later, though?" "'Cause my Uncle Alfie's just arrived and I..." "Sure." "Up!" "Come on!" "Thank you, Justin." "Thank you so much, mate." "Hope it wasn't too much hassle." "How are you, Uncle Alfie?" "Terrible." "Ladies and gentlemen, if you could all kindly take your seats." "We're about to begin the service." "Simon, please." "Move." "Move." "Don't start yet." "Don't start." "Move." "Jesus, Howard, you stink!" "Family and friends." "Maybe, that's because you left me to deal with Uncle Alfie on my own." "Not to mention taking all the credit." "Howard, can you please be quiet?" "And I'd like to start with a favorite passage of Edward's from the King James Bible." "It's the First Book of Samuel, Chapter 18." "Actually, Martha, just so you know, we had Uncle Alfie in the car with us, and you took my parking space, and I had to push him about half a mile up a hill, by myself, and we almost missed the service." "That was my parking space." "Listen, Howard, if you don't stop poking me on the shoulder," "I am going to take you outside and kick the living shit out of you." " Do you understand me?" " What is going on?" "She stole my parking space." "What do you mean she stole your parking space?" "This is a funeral." "Behave yourself." ""Then Jonathan and David made a covenant," ""because he loved him as his own soul." ""And it came to pass that the soul of Jonathan" ""was knit with the soul of David." "And Jonathan stripped himself" ""of the robe that was upon him and gave it to David," ""and his garments, even to his sword," ""and to his bow," ""and to his girdle. "" "And now, we'll have a few words from Edward's son, Daniel." "Hi, everyone." "Thanks to so many of you for coming." "I never realized Dad was so popular." "In fact, it seems like he's got more friends now that he's dead than when he was alive." ""My father was an exceptional man." ""He was born in 1938, just a year before the war." ""I'll never forget the time when Dad took us to" ""the place where he grew up, just near a town called Crawley in Sussex." ""It's changed a lot over the years," ""what with the expansion of Gatwick airport," ""and it's actually become something of a commuter town now," ""partly because of its proximity to London." ""But at the time when my dad was young, it was really quite pastoral." ""Lots of fields" ""and greenery, and Dad would roam around the countryside for hours" ""with his close boyhood friend, Bob." ""He told me how they spent their summer days riding their bikes... "" " Did you just see that?" " "... through the local cornfields... "" "The coffin, it just moved." ""... and swimming in the lake." ""Dad's... "" "I'm telling you, I saw it move." ""Dad's first job was working after school as an apprentice," ""for an electrician named Mr. Thomson. "" "There!" "It happened again!" "Simon, settle down." "I'm telling you, the coffin is moving!" "Simon, just calm down." "Please, God, the coffin is moving, I tell you!" "There's someone alive in there!" "Simon, where are you going?" "What the hell is wrong with you all?" " Don't you look at me like that!" " Simon." "Can't you see?" "Open your eyes!" "There's someone moving around in there!" "Can't you see?" " Simon!" " What are you doing?" "Simon, stop that!" "Simon, don't touch that!" "What are you doing?" "I'm going to let you out!" "What are you doing?" "Oh, God!" "Mum, it's all right, it's all right." "It's okay." "Put the kettle on." "All right, Mum, all right." "All right." "Help me." "That was unbelievable, wasn't it?" "All right." "If you'd all like to have some lovely tea and cake, we'll get back to you as soon as we can." " What the fuck was that about?" " Daniel, I am so sorry." " I'm so sorry." " The coffin was moving." "Just go back inside and I'll explain later." "I am so sorry." "There was a definite scratching sound." " Sorry." " Oh, God, please, please." " Are you all right?" " No." "No, I haven't made the call about the deposit yet." "I'll kill him!" "Just calm down." " I'm going to kill him!" " Dad, leave it." " Leave it?" " He's completely wrecked the funeral!" " It wasn't his fault." "What do you mean it wasn't his fault?" "Your Aunt Sandra is in tatters." "I want him out of here right this minute." "Is that clear?" "Tell me you will have nothing to do with that ridiculous man ever again." "I'm sorry." "No, I can't do that." "Why not?" "Because we're moving in together." "Dear God." "Have you completely lost your senses?" "He isn't actually like this." "He had some drugs and they made him act all weird." "Drugs?" "What drugs?" "He took some Valium and he had a bad reaction." " Valium?" " Yeah." "We'll talk about this later." " Simon." " Martha." "Yeah, okay." "Come and sit down." "Thank you, Janet, I appreciate that." "That's for sure." " All right, mate?" " Hey." "Hello, mate." "That was awful." "Wasn't it?" "Landing in front of your mum like that like a dead trout." "Yeah, Howard, please." "Come on." "Yeah, sorry." "It's just..." "You just never know when it's gonna happen to you." "That's all." "It's like with me, I've got..." "It's like a weird patch of skin." "I've had that a couple of weeks." "I've absolutely no idea what that is." "Why don't you show it to my Uncle Victor?" "You know, he's a doctor." "Yes." "Hello." "I swear I saw it moving." "I saw it moving." "No one else saw." "No one else saw." "I swear I saw it moving." "I must be going mad." "Why are my hands so big?" "Simon, listen to me." "I need to tell you something." "You know I gave you some Valium earlier?" "Yes." "Well, it turns out that it wasn't actually Valium at all." "Mmm-hmm." " Can you hear me?" " Hello?" " Do you think we can start again now?" " I believe we can, yes." "How are you feeling, Sandra?" "Much better, thank you." "Hello, Doctor." "I've got this skin discoloration." "I've had it for a couple of weeks now." "It's just not going anywhere." "Now, I know it's just a small patch, but it's weird." " It does look weird, doesn't it?" " Victor, I'm going back now." "You should probably go and see a dermatologist." "Why, what do you think it is?" "Looks like some kind of pigment mutation." "A pigment mutation?" "Could be an allergic reaction to shellfish, nuts." "Nuts?" "What kind of nuts?" "I don't know." "Peanuts, almonds." "Excuse me." "Do you see now?" "Yes." "Hallucinogenic." "Now, my advice is to relax and just go with the flow." "You know, try and enjoy it." "You!" " Simon!" " How long does it last?" "I don't know, about eight hours." " Eight hours of this?" " Simon, let go!" "You!" "Simon?" " Oh, my God, I'm going to be sick!" "No." "Simon, come back." "Simon." " Hey, listen, Martha..." " Simon!" "Excuse me, sorry, he's going to be sick." "Excuse me." "Sorry, mind out, mind out." "He's gonna be sick." "Come up here." "Quick." "Do you want me..." "Simon?" "Simon, are you okay?" "Simon?" "Simon, let me in." " Simon." " Martha." "Did you happen to see a pill bottle?" "Shit!" "Simon?" "Right." " Are you okay?" "Simon?" " Keep it together." "Keep it together." "You can do this." " Simon." " You're Simon Smith." "You're a solicitor." "Eight hours." "It's no problem." "Please, open the door." "Eight hours he said." "Simon?" "Where's my watch?" "Please open the door." "It's already been..." "I took Valium." "Simon, open the door." " Seven hours to go." " Simon?" "God, Jesus, fuck!" "Fuck!" "It's nothing to worry about." "It's fine." "Jesus fuck!" "Grief does strange things to people, doesn't it?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "If you remember, I had something I wanted to talk to you about." "Oh, yes, yes." " Is there someplace quiet we can go?" " Sure." " Are you writing a book?" " Yes." "Like your brother." "Well, different from my brother, but..." " He's a great writer, isn't he?" " Yes, he is." "So, anyway?" "Yes, actually, I have some photos I wanted to show you." "Okay." " May I?" " Sure." "We became quite close, your father and I, in the last few months." "Ended up spending quite a lot of time together." "Right." "Here's me and your father in Regent's Park." "Oh, yeah." "Here we are on top of one of those London buses." "It's a terrible picture of me." "So, where did you and my dad meet?" "Just around." "Hello?" "Simon." "Are you all right?" "Wow." "Yes." "Yes, yes." "Keep coming." "You, join the others." "Join the others." "Oh, you." "Oh, here, yes." "Here we are at a fancy costume party in Kensington." "That's your dad dressed up as a Roman centurion." "Sorry, in what capacity were you actually friends with my dad?" "I mean, I don't mean to be..." "But he never mentioned you to me." "And yet you have all these pictures where you're going around like you're..." "Oh, God." "Oh, my God." "No." "Now, I know this must come as quite a shock to you." "I'm sure he would have told you himself, but I guess he wasn't sure how you'd react." " Does my mother know about this?" " No." "No." "No, no." "And there's really no reason why she should find out." "Just as long as I get what's owed to me." "What?" "Well, I think I deserve something." "I mean, your father and I were lovers." "No, he left me absolutely nothing in his will." "How do you think that makes me feel?" "I'll tell you how that makes me feel." "Cheap." "Like a cheap slut." "Don't you think I deserve something?" "What do you want?" "Well, I think about 15,000 pounds should do it." "15,000 pounds?" "I'm supposed to be buying a flat." "Well, that's up to you." "Hang on, you hang on a minute." "You think you can come in here and show me a few pictures of you and my dad on a bus and that counts as proof?" "That's not fucking proof of anything." "What is that?" "Oh, Jesus!" "Now, I don't want to, but I will go out there and I will show these photographs to every single person." "Do you really want me to do that?" "You wait here." "Wait here." "Daniel, I was just telling George here how when we were boys together, your dad used to love to make us all go skinny-dipping." "I think she's fine." "Simon, open the door." "Anything I can do to help?" "Not really, thanks." "You got it all under control?" "Simon?" "So what are you doing next weekend?" "I've got a couple of tickets..." "Look, Justin, I've got a lot on my plate right now, and I just can't deal with your shit." "Now, can you please just go away?" "Please?" "Simon?" "Hi, Robert." "Can I talk to you for a second?" "Not now." "Just give me five minutes." "It's important." "It's ever so important." " Excuse me." " Okay." " What are you doing?" " Robert, listen." "You know that guy from before that we didn't recognize?" "That little guy, you know, the short guy, yeah?" "I've just been with him in the study." "Yeah?" "And he showed me these pictures." " Yeah?" "Right." " Of him and dad." " Of him and dad together." " Right." "Of him and Dad together at parties in Kensington." "Look, Daniel, is this going anywhere?" "For God's sake, he was shagging dad!" "Fuck off!" " Are you shitting me?" " No," "I'm not shitting you, I'm telling you." "He showed me the pictures." "I feel sick." "So, wait, wait, what are you saying?" "That Dad was a gay?" "Yeah, that's what I'm saying." "And he was cheating on Mum?" "Well, evidently." "With that little..." "Yes." "I know it's a bombshell, but the concern right now is that he wants money." " What do you mean he wants money?" " He wants money." " He wants 15,000 pounds." " Tell him to go and fuck himself!" "No, you don't understand." "He's got the pictures." "And if we don't give him the money, he's gonna tell everybody here the most intimate details of their sex life." "I don't wanna hear the most intimate details of their sex life." "Exactly." "So what are we gonna do?" "Oh, shit." "Think, then." "Okay, all right." "This is a total fucking waste of time." "I don't know why I even bothered." "I got dressed up and everything, you know?" "I mean, how could she be more interested in that idiot up there than she is in me?" "I'm telling you, Howard." "This world is severely fucked up." " Sounds really serious, doesn't it?" " What?" "Pigment mutation." "Oh, will you taste this?" "I think it's got almonds in it." " So?" " So?" "Daniel's uncle said I'm allergic" " to almonds." " Well, don't eat it." "Go on, please." "Be a mate." "Taste it." "Tell me what you think." " No." " Go on, try it." " I don't want to." " Please." "Come on, do me a favor." "Can't you just do me a favor?" "Please fuck off!" "You haven't seen a pill bottle lying around, have you?" "Like a Valium pill bottle?" " No." " Shit." "Shit." "Shit." "Shouldn't be long now." "Shall we go inside?" "In a minute." "Doctor, you know you..." "Hello." "Sorry about..." "Well, you know." " Thank you." " Yeah, sorry." "Oh, God, it must be terrible losing a husband." "Still, you're still so young." "Relatively." "Do you think you'll marry again?" "Probably too soon to say, isn't it?" "God, it's just terrible, isn't it, that people die?" "Awful." "There was a guy that I know, he got stabbed to death." "And he called this guy's mother a moose." "The guy just..." "Just stabbed him right in the neck, hit like a major artery." "And there was blood, just..." "You honestly would not believe how much just spurting absolutely everywhere." "And ridiculous thing is that the guy that did it told the police later he didn't even know what a moose was." "Has that cake got almonds in it?" "It's not important, doesn't matter." " Excuse me." " Mmm." "Nice talk." "I just don't think Mum can handle it." "Let me rephrase the question." "What do you mean, you think it's best if I pay him the money?" "You've been living off Mum and Dad for long enough." " You must have some money saved." " I haven't been living..." "I've paid for this entire funeral, Robert." "Now, wait a second." "How do you know this guy isn't bullshitting?" "Oh, my God!" "Simon?" "Simon." "Simon?" "Simon?" "Simon." "Simon." "Simon." "Si?" "Mon." "I think we're just about ready to resume the service, so..." "Would you mind giving us five minutes?" " Of course." " Thanks." "Hey, Danny, what is going on?" "Listen, I'm really, really sorry, but I'm afraid our moving out plans are gonna have to be put on hold just for a little while." "What do you mean?" "Why?" "I haven't got time to explain right now, but you know I wouldn't do this unless I had a really good reason." " No." "What's the reason?" " I can't explain right now." "Okay." "So you're the blackmailing prick." "Hey, hey, hey, hey." "What are you doing with that?" "This is my manuscript." "This is not ready to be read by anyone." "Well, you shouldn't leave it lying around, Daniel, if you don't want people to read it." " This is my office!" " Guys, can we just get to the point?" "Fine by me." "Fine." "If I write you this check, okay, that's the end of it." "Yes?" "You give us the photos, then you stay out of our lives forever, that's the deal, yeah?" "That's the deal." "Is that your first attempt?" "What?" "The novel." "That's your first novel, isn't it?" "Yeah." "So?" "No, nothing." "I tried writing once." "It didn't work for me, either." "I think it's like a gift." "You either have it or you don't." "It must be hard for you though, Daniel, living up to your brother's reputation." "You know, always living in the shadow of a sibling like that." "By the way, I read your latest novel." "Wow." "Really good stuff." "Thanks." "Right, that's it." "Daniel, what the hell are you doing?" "There's no way I'm giving this twat a single penny of my money." "Don't be ridiculous." "No." "Why should I?" "Why should I?" "He comes in here on the day of our father's funeral, tries to blackmail us, and then he slags off my novel." "Who does he think he is?" " He has the photos." " Let him show the photos, I don't care." " Daniel, it'll..." " No, Robert, I give up, okay?" "I give up." "I can't take anymore." "If that's what he's gonna do, then fine." "Let him do it." " Fine." " Fine." "What?" "Wait, wait, wait, wait." "Please, get out of my way." "Let's just discuss this a minute." "There is nothing to discuss." "Get out of my way!" "Get off!" "We can talk about this." "Get up, Daniel!" "Daniel!" "Listen..." "What are you doing, Robert?" "What are you doing?" " Just get some rope or something." " Rope?" "What do you mean rope?" "I haven't got any rope." "Get some cord or something." "There, from the curtain." " Okay, here you go." " Grab his legs." "Oh, God, Jesus Christ, Robert, this is a really bad idea." "♪ Twinkle, twinkle, little star" "Fucking men." "Tell me about it." " Daniel, get that tie." " Why?" "Just get that tie." "What am I supposed to do with a tie?" "Do you want everybody to know our dad is a poof?" " Of course I don't." " Stuff it in his mouth, then." "This is ridiculous." "Daniel, you know that cake..." "Jesus Christ, Howard." "Shut the fucking door!" "What's going on?" "Who's that?" " He's having a fit." " It's a seizure." "Oh, God, really?" "I've just found some Valium." "Would that help?" "Yeah, brilliant." "Bring them here." "How many?" "I don't know, a handful." "Really?" "Okay." "Are they all in?" "Dropped one." "Here." "Open his mouth." "It's okay." "It's all right." "You haven't seen a little" " brown pill bottle." " Shut the door!" "Jesus Christ, Howard!" "I told you to lock the fucking door!" " You said, "Shut the fucking door. "" " What's going on?" "Oh, he's having a fit." "A fit?" "Then why is he all tied up?" "Hello." "Hello." "Hang on, he's blackmailing you over what?" " It's not important right now." " What do you mean it's not important?" " It's personal." " Well, why?" "He said it's personal." "That's enough." "Just trust us, okay?" "This is not a good guy, you know." " We can explain later." " So, what are we gonna do with him?" "I don't know." "What are we gonna do?" " I don't know." " What do you mean you don't know?" "How long are we gonna keep him tied up for?" "How long's the Valium gonna last?" " What?" " Valium?" " Yeah." " Oh, yeah, I found those Valium." "We gave him a few to calm him down." "Thank you." "I think he's all right." "Oh, fuck!" "What?" "What is it?" "Oh, fuck!" "What?" " What?" "What?" " The thing is, it's not actually Valium." "It's acid, mostly." "A little ketamine." "Simon took one these by mistake, that's why he's been off his box." "What are you doing with this stuff?" " They're for a friend!" " Hang on a minute." "You're telling us that Martha's boyfriend, who knocked over our father's coffin, had just one of these things?" " And you gave him how many?" " Five." " Oh, Howard." " What do you mean, "Oh, Howard"?" "You cannot blame me for this!" "Poor bastard." "We should call an ambulance." "You can't do that." "I'll be screwed!" "He's right." "They're gonna turn up and find that he's been force fed with hard drugs." "Well, what's gonna happen?" "Is he gonna die?" "Hmm?" "No." "Shouldn't think so." "Daniel?" "Robert?" "Be out in a minute, Mum." "Daniel." "We need to go outside." "You two stay here and look after him." "Hang on, look after him?" "What do you mean look after him?" "What are we supposed to do?" "Just make sure he doesn't escape." "Lock the door behind us." " Daniel?" " Hey, Mum." "How's it going?" "Reverend Davidson needs to speak to you." "We were wondering if we might be able to resume the service now." "Really, I'm only meant to be here until 3:00." "That's great, but we need to have a chat." "Would you give us another five minutes?" " Sure." " Is there a problem?" "Christ." "Why didn't you just pay him the fucking money?" "It's your fault." "Where's my tea?" "What's your problem?" "Women." "Women, women, women." "Let me tell you something about women." "When I was a young man, I used to go out with the most beautiful woman in the village." "I mean, she'd walk into the room and everyone's eyes would turn." "Everyone wanted to fuck her." "And of course she liked the attention, because..." "I need to shit." "Shit, I can't believe you gave him five!" "Don't blame me for this." "Even if they were Valium, you should never have given him five." " Don't you know anything?" " No, not about giving people..." "Hello?" "I need the toilet." "Can you use the one upstairs?" "I'm in a wheelchair, you fucking idiot!" "How am I supposed to get up the stairs?" "Open the door." "Hang on a minute." "What are we gonna do?" "What are we gonna do?" "We'll stick him behind the couch." "Come on, quickly." "Just looking for the key." "Quick!" "Shut up!" "Hurry up!" "Got it!" "Hello." "What the hell is wrong with you people?" "I'm about to shit in my trousers." "Come on!" "Hey." "Oh, Justin, what do you want?" "I just wanna talk to you." "Please don't make me go through this again." "What are you so afraid of, Martha?" "I know you feel the same way." "You can't fight what we had together." "Justin, it was one night!" "It was a massive mistake." "I was drunk out of my mind." "You could have been a donkey!" "What's this guy got that I don't have?" "Okay." "Well for one thing, he's responsible." "He's thoughtful." "He's intelligent." "He's stable." "Is that enough for you?" "Will you stop making out that this is all my fault." "I'm not the one who attacked the guy and tied him up." "Someone had to look out for Mum." "I've been looking out for Mum ever since you disappeared off to New York to gallivant around with your celebrity friends." "You really are unbelievable." "You just can't get over it, can you?" " Get over what?" " You're burning with jealousy because you've just spent three years working on a novel," " and you won't even let anyone see it." " Why should I?" "Why should I?" "What're you gonna do?" "Are you gonna wait until you're dead..." "Rather than just a hack writing pulp and hope it's published posthumously?" " ... crap, self-righteously." " Least my novel..." "You're a pompous asshole!" " And you are the most selfish..." " Daniel?" "Daniel, what is going on?" "This is your father's funeral." " Not now, Jane." "Jane, not now." "Not now." " Why are you acting like this?" "It's the flat, isn't it?" "It's the flat." "You don't want to go, do you?" "You don't want to leave." "Just tell her, Daniel." "Just tell me what?" "Jane, you remember that short man that I pointed out to you earlier?" " Remember the short..." " Yeah." "Well, it turns out that he was having an affair with Dad, and now he's blackmailing us into giving him 15,000 pounds, otherwise he's gonna show everyone pictures of them doing stuff." " Sex stuff." " Yeah." "Is this some sort of a sick joke?" "No, of course it's not a sick joke." "Your dad was a gay?" " Hurry up." "Hurry up." "Hurry up." " I am." "It's touch and go." "Hurry up." "Quick, quick, quick!" "Give me that." "Here." " Lift, lift." "Help me, help me." " All right." "I am helping you." "Put your arms around me then." "Lift me." "Jesus Christ!" "Fucking hell!" "You weigh a ton." " You got me?" "You got me?" " Yes, I've got you." " Of course I've got you." " Quickly, quickly." "All right." "I'm trying to see where the toilet is." "Now get the trousers down." "Fuck." "No." "You do it, I'll hold you." "How can I do it?" "I'm handicapped!" " Get them down." "Get them down." " Fuck!" "Fuck!" "Fuck!" " Quick!" "Quick!" " I am!" "Right." "Okay." "Underpants." "Move!" "Move!" "Quick!" "Quick!" "It's touch and go!" " Fuck!" "They're all down!" " It's touch and go." "Am I there?" " I don't know." "Yes!" " Am I there?" " Am I there?" "Are you sure?" " Yes." "Sit down!" "Yes!" "Just sit down." "Sit down." "Fuck, hang on, hang on." "That's better." "Oh, my God!" "Oh, my God!" "Oh, my God!" "Jesus, how much noise do you wanna..." " Oh, God!" " Fucking hell!" "Fuck!" "Poo!" "Fucking hell!" "Howard." "Fuck!" "Fuck!" " Fucking get it off!" " Howard." "Something, something, something, please, get it off!" " Get it off!" " Howard!" "What?" "What?" "You've missed a bit." "Oh, fuck!" "It's in my mouth!" "Fucking hell!" "I'm gonna be sick!" "You'll have a lot more to worry about than shit in your mouth if we get caught!" "It's in my mouth!" "It's gone." "Leave the tap on!" "I'm gonna be sick!" "I'm gonna be sick!" "Please!" "Please!" "Check him." "Touch him or something." "Check him." "You all right, mate?" "Try it again." "Mate?" " Mate?" " Wake him up." "Mate?" "What's his name?" "I don't know." "Try Philip." "Philip?" "Shake him." "Philip?" "Wake up, mate." "You all right?" "Philip?" "Maybe it's not Philip." "Maybe it's something else." "Pinch him." "Please, just pinch him." "Mate?" "Shit, I don't think he's breathing." "What?" "No, he must be breathing, he must be breathing." "Shit!" " Is he all right?" " No." "He's fucking dead." "That's it, then, isn't it?" "We're just gonna have to give him our money." "Well, it's not gonna be quite as simple as that." " Well, why not?" " Daniel refused to pay, so now we're completely fucked." " Just shut up." "Just shut up." " What happened?" "Hi." "Sorry." "Thanks." "Hi." "Sorry, can I?" "Can I just come through?" "Thank you." "What the hell are you grinning at, Howard?" "Wonder if I could ask you two to pop into the study for a second?" "Back soon." "Yeah, okay." "It's Howard." "Hey, Jesus, what's this?" "What's this?" "Call Uncle Victor." "There's no point." " What do you mean there's no point?" " Look at him." "He's stone dead." "What the hell did you do to him?" "We didn't do anything." "He hit his head on the corner." "He hit his head on the corner?" "He hit his head." "That's what happened." "Why, what do you think happened?" "This is really, really bad." "This is really, really, really bad." "What are we gonna do?" " Actually, I've really got to go." " You are not going anywhere." "Listen, I cannot go to prison." "Do you have any idea what they do to blokes like me in prison?" "I cannot go to prison." "Howard, just calm down." "Now, nobody here knows who this guy is, right?" "They don't even know his name." "They probably didn't even notice him." "They didn't notice him?" "He's four fucking feet tall!" "All right, so we just get rid of the body." "It's like he came and left." "Let's get rid of the body?" "What are you talking about?" "Look at us." "What do we know about getting rid of bodies?" "What are you gonna do?" "Are you gonna throw him out with the rubbish?" "Did any of you happen to notice the size of Uncle Eddie's coffin?" "Are you suggesting that we bury him with my father?" "Why not?" "I mean, it's not like he's gonna know, is he?" "That's not the point." "You have to admit it makes sense, Daniel." "Coffin's there." "Hole in the ground's there." "He'll be gone." "Finished." "End of story." "Unless you've got a better suggestion." "No, I mean, come on, look." "I mean, you gotta do whatever it is in life that fires you up the most." "Yes, but maybe I don't consider life anymore as being about me, me, me." "Maybe I've discovered there's something outside of myself that I care about, and maybe you should too, Justin." "Hey, well, that's a bit harsh, 'cause, look, I mean, I care about you." "No, Justin, you care about you." "You care about me in relation to how I affect you." "There's a difference." "Uh-uh." "No, that's not true, Martha." "Justin, I don't know what else I need to tell you." " I love you, Martha." " No, Justin, you don't." " Jesus fucking Christ!" " Simon!" "Simon!" "Simon!" "Simon, what the hell are you doing?" "Get back in here and put your clothes on this instant!" "I saw you kissing him." "I wasn't kissing him, I promise you." "What are you doing?" "We're at a bloody funeral!" "I'll jump." "Simon, don't be silly." "I'm gonna jump right now, I swear to you!" "Don't be silly, Simon." "Don't be silly." "Remember, you've got drugs in you." "Just calm down." "Simon, look at me." "Justin, will you get the fuck out of here?" " Simon, please..." " No, I'm going to do it." "I'm going..." " Simon, look at me." " I swear I am!" "Simon." "Please, just calm down." "Simon, please." "I'm gonna jump." "I'm gonna jump." "I'm going to jump." "I'm going to jump." "I'm going to jump!" " This is impossible." "We cannot do it." " Just shut up." "Howard?" "Is that you?" " Shit!" " Howard, are you in there?" "Yeah." "Quick, get him in the bathroom." "You've gotta move the table." "Howard?" "Oh, shit!" " What's that?" "Howard, what the fuck is Uncle Alfie doing on the toilet?" "I forgot." "How could you forget?" "What is wrong with you?" "Open the bloody door." " What is it?" " Hey, Daniel." " Where's Howard?" " I'm here." "Howard, come see this." "Simon's totally fucking lost it." " What's going on?" " Nothing." "Listen, Simon's on the roof." "He's totally fucking starkers, and he's threatening to jump." " Oh, Christ!" " Where are you going?" "I have to go out there." "If he jumps, I'm fucked!" "Wait here." "Come on, hurry up." "Simon, you are not going to jump." "No, I'm not listening to you." "Simon, get back in here." "Simon, come inside, we'll have a cup of tea." "No!" "Simon!" "Simon!" "Simon?" "Simon?" "Simon?" "Simon!" "Martha!" "What the hell are you doing?" "Simon!" "Stay there." "Martha!" "Get down from there!" " What's happening?" " I think I can get rid of this guy, but I need you to stay outside and make sure nobody comes in." "Okay." "Martha!" " Who is it?" " It's Daniel." "Let me in." "Everyone's in the garden." "Quick, we have to move the body now!" "Brilliant." "Okay." "Quick." "Quick." "Howard, Howard, stay here." "Make sure no one comes in." "Okay, okay." "Hello, Reverend." "Hi." "Hi." "How is God today?" " God, he's a funny one, isn't he?" " Excuse me." "Yeah, okay." "I'm sorry." "Daniel, we have to do this, mate." "I just wanted to ask you about religion and how I could become a priest if I wanted to, because I've seen you today and you're amazing." "I'm delighted to hear that." "Oh, God, we can't leave him like that." "You know, in a strange way, maybe this is what Dad would have wanted." "For God's sake, Robert, can you not take anything seriously?" "On Sundays, is it true that wine is sweeter?" "Or not?" "Listen, we'll deal with this later on." "I need to get to the phone." "Yeah, but..." "Why do you say I can't take anything seriously?" "I'll tell you why." "Because you disappear halfway around the world without hardly ever coming back to see your parents." "Because you spend your last remaining money on a first-class plane ticket when you know you were supposed to give me half for the funeral." "And because you live your life like you're on a fairground ride, and because you have never, ever, ever given a shit about anybody except yourself." "No one's doing anything about this disturbed young man on the roof." "I have a confession to make." "I have these thoughts about pushing a pen up my bum!" "I beg your pardon?" "Simon, this is really dangerous." "Please." "I saw you." "Stay there." "You know, I'll never be good enough." "Not for your dad, not for you." "I'll never be rich enough." "I'll never be cool enough." "Simon, stop talking this nonsense and just come inside." "No, you go back inside!" " Come with me." " No." "Why?" "Because we're gonna have a baby." "What?" "We're gonna have a child together." "You're pregnant?" "And I won't be able to do it without you." " What's that?" "Excuse me." " I don't know." "Go look." "Bye, Dad." "We're gonna have a baby!" "Jesus Christ!" "Hey, everyone, Simon's off the roof!" "I'm going to kill him." "Hey, has he gone?" "Yeah." "Thank God." "Careful, careful." "Thank you." "Martha." "Martha, will you open this door?" "Thank God you're safe." "You idiot!" "What were you thinking?" "I want you to stay away from my daughter." " Look, Dad..." " Martha, stay out of this." " Dad, we're getting married." " You're what?" "We're getting married." "Martha, you don't have to marry this man just because you're pregnant." "We can deal with this, Martha." "I'm marrying him because I love him." " You can't." " Yes, I can." "This is my life, and this is my choice, and I'm sorry if you don't like it, but that's just tough." "And I will tell you something else." "If you don't sort out your attitude, you're gonna end up a very lonely, bitter old man." " Simon." " All right." "Dad!" "Oh, darling, we really must start again now." "Daniel, have you seen Uncle Alfie?" "Shit!" "What the hell is going on in there?" "I'm so sorry." "Never mind that." "What about that dead body you were dragging over here?" "What dead body?" " Oh, don't fuck with me!" "I saw a dead body!" "Uncle Alfie must have dropped off." "Get me the hell off of this fucking toilet!" "Here they come." "Did you hear that?" "She's having a kid." "I never would've done anything if I'd known she was having a kid." "I thought you were in love with her." "Yeah, but can you imagine me bringing up a kid?" " No." " Exactly." " How's your skin thing?" " Oh, that." "Probably nothing." "To be honest, I'm more concerned about having had Uncle Alfie's shit in my mouth." "The door opened, I saw him." "He was dead." "Why won't you listen?" "I tell you, I saw the guy." "He was dead." "I know you did, Uncle Alfie." "We all did." "No, no, no, in the bathroom." "The door opened." "I saw..." "I can't believe what a nightmare today has been." " It's been sort of exciting, hasn't it?" " What?" "For a funeral, I mean, it's been..." "Listen, about the flat, I promise that I will make the call." "I will." "We'll work it out." "Right, we're really going to have to whiz through this now." "Sure, let's go." " Do you want to have the casket open..." " No." "No." "Fine." "That's fine." "Right." "Sit down, everybody." "As quick as you can." "We're ready to go." "Come along." "Come on, come on." "Come on." "Right." "Quickly!" "Come on, come on, come on, come on." "Come on, come on, come on!" "Well, I'd like to apologize on behalf of the family for all of the distractions." "I hope that everyone is settled and ready to continue with the service, and Daniel would like to say a few words about his father." "Off you go, Daniel." "Quickly." ""My father was an exceptional man. "" ""My father was an exceptional man." ""He was born in 1938, just a year before" ""the war, and I'll never forget the... "" "What the hell is going on?" "There's someone in there!" "I knew it!" "What the hell are you doing in my dad's coffin?" "Edward!" "No!" "No!" "No!" "Edward!" "Edward!" "No!" "You little bastard!" "He's been shagging you, you bastard." "Oh, dear God!" "My father was an exceptional man!" "He may not have been a perfect man, but he was a good man." "And he loved us." "All I wanted to do today was to give him a dignified send-off." "Is that really so much to ask?" "So..." "Maybe..." "Maybe he had some things he liked to do." "Life isn't simple." "It's complicated." "We're all just thrown in here together in a world full of chaos and confusion," "a world full of questions and no answers." "Death always lingering around the corner." "And we do our best." "We can only do our best, and my dad did his best." "He always tried to tell me that you have to go for what you want in life, because you never know how long you're gonna be here." "And whether you succeed or you fail, the most important thing is to have tried." "A parent can only guide you in the right direction." "In the end, you have to learn for yourself." "You have to grow up yourself." "So when you all leave here today," "I would like you to remember my father for who he really was, a decent, loving man." "If only we could be as giving and as generous and as understanding as my father was," "then the world would be a far better place." "Hey." "How's Mum doing?" "She'll survive." "On the positive side, now she knows why it's been so long since she and Dad had sex." "I asked her to come to New York with me for a while." "Give you and Jane a chance to breathe a bit, you know." "Get your flat." "Wow." "That was a pretty good speech you gave, by the way." "It was really... impressive." "Thanks." "Maybe when you've got time, you wouldn't mind taking a look at my novel." "I'd love to, yeah." "Hey." "Hey." "I'm exhausted, actually." "Uncle Alfie keeps going on about the body in the bathroom." "I think it's best if he stays here tonight." " Yeah." "Do you think he'll be okay?" " Yeah." "Yeah, he'll be fine." "I found him a couple of Valium, put him to bed." "Everything's so fucking green!" "And keep rolling." "What was that?" "Cut, print, check it." "That is so low." " That's so low." " What?" "Come on!" "You said cut!" "Daniel, have..." "Oh, you bastard!" "Jane Asher!" "Sorry." "Do that..." "Do that again, sorry." "Do that again, sorry." "Cut." "Check it." "Very nice, though, guys." "Print." "Check it." "Cut!" "Cut." "Print it." "That was very good." "Anything else you wanna do, Peter?" "That's a cut." "Check it."