" How's your love life?" " Oh, keeps hitting a snag." "And that's it next to the driver." "Mine depends on the weather." "If it's fine, she's in the garden." "If it's wet, I'm in with a chance." "She gets bored and depressed." "You like her bored and depressed?" "I love it." "She's more open to the need for entertainment." "'Ey up!" "Look, here he comes, Old Bentinck." "He'll cross the road now, you watch." "There he goes." "He's been doing that for years." "I've never once had him in the shop." "Maybe he's heard about your prices." "Well, I mean, you have to worry about an old gentleman of his age." "Supposing he dies before I can haul him in." "Ripped By mstoll" "Have a flit round the shelves with your faithful feather duster, please, Leroy." "This thing tastes foul." "Well, it's got feathers in it." "It's bound to be fowl." "I could get chicken pox." "Oh, you did that." "Oh, I was up all night." "Nurse Gladys came." "She had a coat over her nightie." "She's a fine, big woman in emergencies." "Talking about emergencies," "I'm determined to get Old Bentinck into this shop by fair means, or..." " Foul." " Thank you." "Where does he do his shopping?" "I don't know, I think he's born again Co-op." "Ah, Gastric." "(BURPS)" "What have you got for an upset stomach?" "I don't know, it depends." "Who upset it?" "Does it take offence easily?" "Noisily." "I can't help being a martyr to (BURPS) indigestion." "I must say, Gastric, you look like a dog's bedding." "And it's not a pedigree." "This time of the morning and I'm getting fashion notes." "Well, you have to ask yourself," ""Is bad tailoring fair to the woman in your life?"" "She left me." "No, no, no." "I'm not talking about your ex-wife." "I'm talking about your new love." "Madge." "No, no." "It's no good denying it." "We all know that you're smitten." " With Madge?" " Yeah." "We've seen it." "I've seen..." "He's seen it an' all." "She's got a mouth on her that can strip paint." "There it is." "Sees Madge, thinks stripper." "It's so brazen." "He even brings her home." "Drops her off at house." "Well, at least he brings her safely back home to her husband." "(CHUCKLING) I mean, you can't fault his manners." "Well, you can his taste." "Have you seen her... earrings?" "They just get bigger." "Well, at least she's got plenty of weight in various places to balance things up." "'Ey up!" "There he goes." "Crossing the road, Old Bentinck." "Oh, him?" "He gives you funny looks." "Well, he doesn't give me anything." "Here, here." "Hey!" "Hey, quick..." "Come on." "Here." "Now, come on, Leroy." "Get after him." "See what he buys." "You want me to follow him?" "Well, that's better than being in front of him, if you want to see where he goes, isn't it?" "What has he got you doing now?" "(SIGHING) He wants me to follow Mr Bentinck." "Suddenly I'm Leroy, the gumshoe." "Private eye." "Does Mr Bentinck owe you money or something?" "What?" "You can't get near his money." "He never comes in the shop." "Oh, dear!" "The one that got away." "Get." "Go on." "Get after him." "Go." "Well, I'm going to need something to hide behind, aren't I?" "Can I borrow your mag?" "(CLATTERING)" "You're bringing him up to be as mercenary as you are." "Well, you can but try." "Good morning, Granville." "It is now." "I've been meaning to ask you, erm, what are you doing for St Verucca's Day?" "You just invented it." "You tell me." "It's a well-known fact, you know, that, erm, come midnight, her followers light candles and foregather in each other's bedrooms." "Sounds like quite a foregather." "Yes, well, of course that is "bedrooms" spelt without a "Madge"." "And talking of the devil, where is Madge?" "Gone to get the car filled up." "Oh, nowhere local, I hope." "I hear Australia is very good this time of year." "Do you think you'll ever get on, you two?" "Oh, I don't know, do I?" "I mean, most importantly, will you and I ever... (GROWLS)" "She's always in the way." "She's got ears like an owl." "You'll never get past her." "I can do quiet." "You don't normally." "It's one of the things I've always admired about you." "You're so effortlessly gobby." "I forgot what I've come in for now." "Oh, I know, it was to give me visiting rights into your bedroom at weekends or bank holidays." "I thought it was more like detergent, but yours sounds more fun." "Right, now, listen, I'm determined to get your Madge a man." "To take the pressure off us." "Well, she thinks you're all so unreliable, you can rely on it." "(SIGHING) Right, detergent." "(CLEARING THROAT)" "Just the economy size, was it?" "GASTRIC:" "I don't feel romantic." "I feel nervous. (BURPS)" "Are you sure we're in love?" "The smouldering look." "Go on, go on, give her your smouldering look." "Save me half a dozen fruit scones and ask that other big tulip what he thinks he's gawping at." "And that's a secret admirer?" "Well, that's how she keeps it a secret, isn't it?" "Glasses off." "Humphrey Bogart used to keep his on." "Yes, I know, but if he ever bumped into anything it was usually Lauren Bacall." "I don't think Mr Bentinck's ever gonna be a big spender." "Hey, hey, what did he buy?" " Honey Wheat." " Honey Wheat?" "Honey Wheat..." "He goes all that way to buy Honey Wheat?" "Well, I sell Honey Wheat." "But at what price?" "(GROANS)" "Going a bit reckless, aren't we?" "It's what he would have called "a calculated risk,"" "but it might cleverly attract Old Bentinck." "He'll never see it." "He'll be on the other side of the street." "Oh, yeah." "Then we'll have to think of some way to attract his attention." "Hmm." "A loud noise should do it." "Now, what have we got that makes a loud noise?" "(CHUCKLES) Well, there's you for a start." " You..." " What?" "(LAUGHING)" "(GROANING)" "Oh, Mrs Featherstone." "(CHUCKLING)" "Still dressed in black, I see." "Don't you ever dress for the warmer weather?" "Did you have something in mind?" "You can tell me, Granville." "I'm not without experience of male fantasies." "What, you, Mrs Featherstone?" "Oh, yes." "Yes." "They don't all want to be engine drivers." "When you've buried as many husbands as I have, your wardrobe tends to be sombre." "But that does not mean that it is not summertime underneath." "Never judge an item by its package, Granville." "No, but it is handy if you want a tin of baked beans." "How many..." "How many husbands was it?" " Three." " Ah, yes." "Ah, but you mustn't think I was being careless." " No." " Oh, no." "No, they'd received every attention compatible with the requirements of decency." "What about, erm... playtime?" "Oh, I can be stirred by the right kind of discreet, financial practices." "If it's playtime you want, Granville, just whistle." "(GRANVILLE EXCLAIMS)" "Well, I can't stand here toying with your comestibles." "Good day, Granville." "I see your Honey Wheat are buy one get one free." "Ah, yes, erm... those are for my casual customers really." "I can't recommend them to my regulars, because there is a rumour going around the trade that the factory has got a mouse problem." " (GASPS) Oh." " Mmm." "I think I'll pass." "Very wise, thank you." "Hey!" "You don't remember me, do you?" " I was Planter's Tea." " Ah..." "Ah, Planter's Tea." "Remember it well." "Didn't sell." "You didn't buy any." "Just took some free samples." "No, they didn't sell, either." "This is the essential, take-out-a-personal-loan-for-it, must-have new product." "The "change-it-daily" wig." "Machine washable." "This could transform a person's personality." "Well, we had one." "Did that." "Got arrested in Macclesfield." "A range of prices to suit every pocket." "Actually, if the wigs are all like that, they'd look better in your pocket." "You can't disguise your enthusiasm." "Here's one for you." "Try it later." "Looks like a kipper with fur." "You must have customers with their scalps worn down to the canvas." "Too shy to go to a wig shop, but they'll buy from you, their trusted, local shopkeeper." "You said that without blushing, didn't you?" "(LAUGHING) Eh?" "You deserve a drink." "No, fell for that last time." "No fooling you, is there, eh?" "You can't tell me that your customers won't wear... artificial hair." "The only thing my customers would do with that is to feed it." "ERIC:" "Gastric?" "I thought it were you." "What are you doing in almost a suit?" "I've to smarten up for a secret admirer." "Some might say you're not exactly overdoing it." "Who put you up to this?" "Me personal trainer... (BURPS) Romance-wise." "Granville." "And for once his prices are surprisingly reasonable." "Then you can afford a new suit." "Give over." "This is good material." "I were married in this." "Then you should be asking yourself, did your wife leave you or the suit?" "A kipper with fur on, he says." "I'll never be able to sell that now." "He's destroyed its credibility." "Does he ever actually spend anything?" "I mean, can anybody swear, on oath, they've seen him parting with money?" "(CHUCKLING) Not without an anaesthetic." "He were raised that way." "But credit where it's due." "He's got an offer on his Honey Wheat." "(BREATHES DEEPLY) There'll be a trap in there somewhere." "I was right..." "It's a jungle round here." "It's progress, Gastric, yes." "You're in... nearly a suit." "How old is it?" "It's practically new." "I hardly wear it." "Yeah, well that's what you're hardly doing now, actually." "It's kind of... style deprived." "He looks depressed." "Well, me mother liked it." "It probably looked better on your mother." "Wait a minute, hang about..." "I think I have a solution." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "Yes." "I'm not wearing that." "Trust me." "Just get rid of that." "Hey, right." "Ready?" "(WHISTLES) There." "Right, no hair." "Now, mo' hair." "Ah." "Right, Mavis." "Now, tell us, what do you think?" "With or without?" "I'll get it wrong." "Oh!" "Look, we're trying to impress your Madge." "Oh, she doesn't do impressed." "Now... (CHUCKLES) With." "Without." "With." "Without." "Wear the wig." "It's worth a shot." "Yeah, there you go." "See?" "What you wearing a raincoat for?" "Me knee says it's going to rain." "There's a thin line between eccentric and idiotic." "Don't you sometimes wonder if you've crossed it?" "What does your wife think to you?" "She thinks I'm made for purely practical purposes." "As a consequence, my road to romance is paved with Black  Deckers." "Well, she's got my vote on that." "You're not really a playful lot, you women round here." "Is there any wonder?" "Look what we've got to play with." "I don't feel like me in this wig." "Well, not being like you is the effect that we're after." "Ah, Madge." "I think you know everybody, don't you?" "(CHUCKLES)" "Do you remember..." "Gastric?" "Smile." "Smile." "Mmm-hmm." "Who ran over some poor creature?" "And why is he wearing it on his head?" "(ON MEGAPHONE) Attention... (SHATTERING)" "Why do we rarely have anything but yesterday's sandwiches?" "Because tomorrow's aren't here yet." "I'm becoming an expert in stale bread." "(LAUGHING) They're not stale." "They're just, erm, slightly post-fresh." "Anyway, I don't know where you get all this fancy palate stuff from." "You don't know you're born, you do." "He used to feed me on reconditioned Wer-Wer-Weetabix." "Nurse Gladys says that his bark was worse than his bite." "No, bike." "His bark was worse than his bike." " Bike?" " Yes." "You see he had this bike that had a terrible squeak, but his bark could peel the labels off tins." "You do tell me some tripe." "Oh, no." "No, at the sound of it, dogs would retreat back into their kennels." "Widows would find their underwear strangely twisted." "Or was that your mother?" "Now that's another one who I bet wasn't as bad as you make out." "No." "No, well, to be fair, I mean, she was very charitable." "She'd always help those in need... of a good night out." "(BELL RINGING)" "Oh, goodbye." "(MOUTHING)" "(CHUCKLING)" "Oh, dear, you used to warn me, didn't you, about dodgy women." "You didn't tell me how much fer-fer-fun they could be, did you?" "Eh?" "Hey, that were Mrs Willis." "Honey Wheat." "Buy one get one free." "Oh, heck." "I was saving them for Old Bentinck." "Oh, Eric, what can we do you for?" "(SIGHS) Just popped in... to get out of the warm." "You look like you've just come out of a microwave." "It's roasting out there." "Well, why are you wearing that big heavy coat?" "I'm trying to persuade the wife that it's going to rain." "Thunder's even better." "She clutches me and won't let go." "What you need is an umbrella." "She hates me with an umbrella." "She says, "It's not a masculine image." So, I says, "All right," ""if I get a masculine image, what are you going to do with it?"" "She says, "In your dreams." ""And lose the umbrella."" "No, no, no..." "I'm talking about a macho umbrella." "A killer umbrella." " A lethal weapon umbrella." " Give over." "They all make you look like Mary Poppins." "John Wayne carried one." "Concealed, of course." "How do you conceal an umbrella?" "Now, listen." "Stay there." "Stay there." "No, don't move." "You'll be amazed." "Right. (HUMMING) Ah, there you go." "There it is, look." "Try it." " No, she'll hate it." " No, no, no." "She'll never know, will she?" "Hmm." "You didn't tell her about that barmaid you saw, did you?" "Hmm." "Who told you?" "Oh, Eric, this is where secrets come to die." "(LAUGHS) Don't worry." "Your private shopkeeper is sworn to secrecy." "This... is like a confessional." " She's had a very hard life." " Mmm." " I was sympathising." " Of course you were." "You didn't worry about the rain that night, though, did you?" "Hmm?" "All right?" "Now." "Observe, right?" "One small button you press, and... bingo." " Hey, that's neat." " Yeah, but look here." "You see?" "Room for one and a barmaid, should you ever get caught..." "Caught?" "Why are you saying things like "caught"?" "Hmm?" "No, in a downpour." "I meant, in a downpour." "(MUMBLING)" "Hey!" "Save me two of them..." " (DOG BARKING)" " Aaargh!" "He'll probably make it on the way back." "Anyway, Eric, here you are." "Here is your change." "Thank you very much." "There." "Oh, look at..." "Hey, you never open a brolly indoors." "It's bad luck." "I'm learning that." "I've lost a pound coin." "The problem is, er, if you find a pound coin, how can you positively identify it as yours?" "Give over." "If you dropped one you'd have had the floor up." " How do you get this brolly down?" " Give it here." "You should never open a brolly indoors, should you?" "It's bad luck." "I know that." "It went off before I was ready." " Found it!" " It's mine." "Whoa!" "Oh, heck." " Thank you, Mavis." " You're welcome." "It's just that..." "You can't help wonder why Granville suddenly needs a hair-dryer." "I'm sworn to secrecy." "I told you there'd be things you don't know about him." "It's a hair-dryer." "It's not as if he's asking to borrow a frilly nightie." "Yet." "How was Mavis looking?" "Puzzled." "She's dreading you coming up all blow-dried." "You didn't tell her what we wanted it for, did you?" " You'll get locked up." " (LAUGHING) No, not me." "Now, these trade secrets have been handed down from generation to generation." "One day, all of these trade secrets will be yours, Leroy." "Oh, great." "Then I'll get locked up." "The only way to properly refurbish fallen buns..." " is as follows." " (DRYER TURNS ON)" "Wave to Wet Eric." "LEROY:" "I don't think he's waving." "I think he wants us to go over." "(MOUTHING)" " I think there might be something wrong." " What, with Wet Eric?" "(LAUGHS)" "You should hear what Mrs Wet Eric has to say on that subject." " It's about time." " Why are you hiding behind this vehicle?" "I'll show you why." "It's not funny." "I caught the button, didn't I?" "Don't laugh." "Have you ever tried... removing a... half-open brolly from inside your trousers?" "Oh, come on, Leroy, get him in the shop." "Give us your hands." "(BOTH LAUGHING)" "(GROANING) Hey!" "(ERIC MUTTERING)" "Oh, look out." " What have you done with him?" " It's all his own work." "(LAUGHING)" "(CHUCKLING) He needs an umbrella removed." "Ask a silly question." "What's he doing with a brolly down his trousers?" " You don't like to ask, do you?" " I'm trying to get it out." "Oh, I get that bit." "But why did you put it there in the first place?" "It wasn't the first place." "I tried this place, that place." "It's a free country." "You can't tell an Englishman where to put his brolly." "Get him inside." "I shall need some scissors." "(ERIC WHIMPERING)" "We don't want to be nosy, Eric, but... why inside your trousers?" "Well, that was the clever bit." ""Where," I asked meself," ""is the last place the wife is likely to look?"" " Yeah." " Ooh!" "GRANVILLE:" "It's quiet tonight." "I bet if you tried hard you could hear Mrs Willis crunching my Honey Wheat." "It'll take me a week to overcharge the difference back." "I thought Nurse Gladys showed her mettle removing that obstruction from Wet Eric's trousers." "She went boldly where, I must say, I was hesitating." "I wonder if flying saucers have ever landed." "It seems only prudent to keep an eye on Mavis's bedroom." "Oh, well?" "Did you phone Madge?" " She hung up on me." " Well, that's good." "It shows that you got her all of a flutter." "I'm not sure I like her." "Of course you do." "You're crazy about her." "You can't get her out of your mind, can you?" "I'll prove it to you." "What rhymes with "badge"?" "Madge?" "There you are, you see?" "(CHUCKLING)" "GRANVILLE:" "Oh, Lord." "I'm one-nil down on Honey Wheat." "Could we adjust the balance by making Gastric more attractive to women?" "Ripped By mstoll"