"OK, sports fans, you ready for the next hand?" "My last hand was more like a foot." " I thought that was funny." " When you're winning, rigor mortis is funny." " How about Ugly John?" " He's played the same hand for an hour." " Winning or losing?" " Little of each." " Wake him up." " Forget it." "This is the first I've enjoyed him." "Open for five." " Call." " I'm in, Shorty." "Stop makin' fun of my height!" "What height?" "You have no height to make fun of." "Go get some height." "We'll make fun of it." " Hold it." " Oh, he hears them again." " Choppers!" " Come on, the war's back in the game." "Hey, mateys, look!" "Ace-high flush!" "That was two hours ago." "Those cats in the North really know how to break up a poker game." "They saved me money, but I hate their methods." "Why don't we have a war with blank ammunition?" " We tried it." "No casualties, no fun." " There's too much chatter." "It's distracting." " If you don't know what you're doing." " Five more cases are ready." " It's an hour wait for a table." " Put 'em in the bar." "Sell 'em a drink." " Clamp." " Clamp." "I said clamp!" " Come on, move it!" " Here you go, Frank." "Colonel, did you see that?" "He's a great hitter but he's got a lousy arm." " I don't need your help, Pierce." " Better check with your patient on that." "Psychologically, that eating indicates hostility." "Aggression." " Destructiveness." " Why don't we get him to eat North Korea?" "What he doesn't finish he can take home in a doggy bag." " Do you mind?" " Give it some thought." " I have a question." " You may not borrow my fork." "Why must you make my life miserable in the OR?" " Because you're so consistent." " I'm just trying to do my job." "You screwed up today, like you do every day." "I call that consistent." " Would you mind telling me how I did?" " You're only dignifying him." " Which is more than I would do for you." " Well?" "You think you're the only one who's busy." "You asked for help three times today." "Three." "Give me salt." "I still taste this." "When you make a mistake you're not smart enough to admit it." " We're not here to compensate for you." " I'll buy that." " Me too." " I don't buy it." " Neither do I!" " It's a tie." "Two against 50." "You're inconsiderate, insulting to nurses, bloody arrogant, demanding, distracting and dumb!" "Wow." "They're your good points." "You're surgically incompetent." "I..." "I wouldn't let you operate on me for dandruff!" "This is outrageous!" " Keep out of this." "Where was I?" " Surgically incompetent." "Surgically incompetent, right." "And, finally, you are a total and definitive pain in the gluteus maximus!" " Frank, did you hear that?" "!" " Would you like me to translate?" "You can't talk to me like that and get away with it!" "What're you gonna do?" "Eat me?" "Knock, knock, sir." " This better be important, Radar." " It's Major Houlihan, sir." " She's throwing a fit." " Then give her a distemper shot." "I've gotta get some sleep." "She says if you don't come she'll inform General Clayton." "20,000 miles from home and I'm still aggravated by a woman." "Sometimes I think my wife operates Major Houlihan by remote control." "What should I tell her, sir?" "You go right to Major Houlihan, you set your jaw firmly, and you look into those cool, killer eyes of hers, and you tell her I'll be right there." "Yes, sir." " Hawkeye?" " Go away." "Colonel Blake wants to see you in his office right away." "Tell him I died and didn't leave a forwarding address." "Hawkeye..." "So typical." "Colonel Blake calls you into his office and you chew him out." "You woke me out of my all-time sexiest dream to discuss morale?" "!" "Pierce, morale is important." "How can we discuss something we don't have?" "We don't have any because of your disruptive influence!" " I deny that!" " It's true!" "Oh, in that case, I admit it." "Reporting to your commanding officer wearing nothing but a robe!" "Would you like me to take it off?" "That ruckus with Frank has spread through the whole outfit." "So?" "Everybody knows about old butterfingers." "That's not news." "Colonel, if he continues, I'm going to file a formal complaint." "I'll file a countercomplaint against Frank impersonating a surgeon" " and masquerading as a human being." " He's impossible." " See?" "Even she agrees." " I want you to patch it up." "There's nothing to patch up, unless he's operating." " He wants you to apologise." " In public!" "The way you insulted him." "Apologise?" "!" "Like, "I'm sorry." "You're a great guy and a fine surgeon"?" "If I say that, my tongue'll snap off its roller." "People must know Frank's dangerous with sharp instruments," " like scalpels and probes." " Pierce, there is a war on." "Nothing gets by you, Henry." "See you in the funny papers." "This kid needs more than a new set of plugs." "Look." "Iliac artery?" "The lace-curtain effect's done by a fragmentation grenade." " Gimme some suction here." " Suction." " What's the score?" " He's doing well, considering what you're doing to him." " The bleeding's stopped." "Bonecutter." " Right." "Bonecutter." "Anterior vertebral body is fractured." "I'll go after that big fragment." "Forceps." "Forceps." "Do you think he'll be paralysed?" "Not if these ten fingers haven't lost their magic." "There we are, folks. "Made in USA."" " You're joking." " Just wanted to see if you were awake." " Private Thompson?" " You did him yesterday." "Multiple fragment wounds." "Lacerated iliac artery." "What's his problem?" "Other than he ought to be at home with his girlfriend?" "He has a fever, abdominal pain..." "urinary output 50cc an hour." "Pulse rate 112, blood pressure 110 over 70." "I've heard better news in my time." " This is Dr Pierce." "He operated on you." " Hi, Doc." " How's it goin'?" " Lousy." "You were on the table a long time." "People thought we were going steady." "My gut hurts." "I'll be right back." "Don't run off and re-enlist." " His temperature?" " 101." "Terrific." "How about golf this afternoon?" "After the mortar barrage last night, we got a 19th and 20th hole." "I can't." "Start him on IV penicillin." "He may be developing a wound infection." " I wanna get a blood count." "Bring the tubes." " Yes, sir." " Somebody double-cross you?" " That kid." "Yesterday I repaired a hole in his iliac artery." "A large fragment near his spinal cord." " Penetrate the dura?" " No." "And no sign of paralysis." " So what's the problem?" " He's got a temperature of 101." "That could be just a normal postoperative reaction." " Penicillin might bring him around." " "Might" isn't good enough." "I wanna be sure." " See ya at the movies later?" " What's playing?" "Bride of the Gorilla and Bonzo Goes to College." " I think I'll wait for the books to come out." " It's your loss." "Hey." "Good luck with the kid." " How's the chicken, Radar?" " Beautiful." "Is that what it is?" "I think the same people who make the camouflage make the gravy." " How's Thompson?" " Still downhill." "White blood count 18,000, temperature up to 102." "He may be developing an abscess." " The boy we worked on?" " He's falling apart on me." " I can't believe it." "I just can't believe it!" " Keep out of this." "What went wrong, Super Surgeon?" "Operating with one hand tied behind your back again?" "Hey, Frank, why don't you let that cut under your nose heal?" "Play kneesies with Big Mama." "Forget I'm here." "Give us the whole story." "You shot your mouth off with no trouble last night." "Put a lid on it, Frank!" "Was it something you did or something you forgot to do..." " Get off me!" " Last night I was Mr Screw-up, remember?" " Dr Screw-up!" "And it still goes!" " Oh, really?" "I haven't killed anybody this week." "What about you, big shot?" "Stop it!" "Stop it!" " I'll kill him!" " You'll have to kill me first!" "That's the best offer I've had today!" "We didn't need the bed so I didn't disturb him." "He wasn't at the Swamp last night." "I figured he got a better offer." " No such luck." " You fell asleep." "I figured that when I woke up." " You often make house calls like this?" " Only for some patients." " Oh, patients?" "How's he doing?" " Last night's box score." "Dammit!" "He's not gettin' anywhere." "He's falling back in some ways." "Same orders, Lieutenant." "No change." "Keep a close watch on him." " I'll be back in a little while." " OK." " Hi." " Hi." " How's Thompson?" " Is that the only thing anyone can ask me?" "Well, what's wrong with that?" "It reminds me I'm nowhere with that case." "It's driving me buggy." " So please don't ask!" " OK, I won't." "He's about the same." "How 'bout some poker?" "I got the missis to send me a cheque made out to you, just to make things easier." " I don't think so." " You're no fun at all." "Go shower with the nurses!" "Ace-king, possible straight, pair of twos, and a... paregoric." " I'll check to the ace-king." " Likewise." "Five dollars." " I'm out." " I call." " Last card." " Down and dirty." " How much can I bet?" " Last card. 20 bucks." "Well, if I can only bet 20 bucks..." "Take it." " What'd ya have?" " I won't tell." "Want to donate a pint of blood through the nose?" " I had nothing." "Just ace high, that's all." " You didn't have a pair?" "A straight?" " No." " I threw away two tens!" " Who taught you to play poker?" " You did!" "You won't go home when the war's over." "We're stayin' right here until I get even." " Can't you do that somewhere else?" " Do what you're doing somewhere else!" " I'm not doing anything." " You can do that anywhere, can't you?" "For cryin' out loud!" " Deal." " OK, five-card draw, jacks or better." " Sir?" " Hmm?" " Sir?" " Please, Mildred, I've had a tough day." " No, it's Radar, sir." " What's the matter?" "Have we got casualties?" "No, sir." "I was wondering if you could look after this for me." "I just won 800 bucks in a poker game." " You woke me for that, Private O'Reilly?" " Corporal, sir." "Nothing is for ever, Radar." "I'm sorry, sir." "I'm just worried." "I'm afraid someone'll rob me." "Or the mice'll eat it." "You're saying that you beat Captain Pierce playing poker?" "No, sir." "He moved out of the Swamp." "He didn't." "Yes." "He's terribly worried about this case of his not getting better." " Yeah." " Will you look after my money for me, sir?" "Only on the condition that you never wake me again." "It's a deal." "I promise." " He really moved outta the Swamp?" " Yes, sir." " Yeah?" " It's $803 exactly." "Right." "Go away." "I gave at the office." " I told you to leave me alone, Trapper." " It's me, you rat." "What are you doing here?" " Trying to think." " Why didn't you stay in the Swamp?" "I can't think in that place." "That place is an upholstered cesspool." "The bubbling still, the clicking poker chips..." "I'm losing the little mind I came here with." "Lose your whistle?" " It's Thursday." " It certainly seems like Thursday." "We have a date." "I'm sorry." "Not today." "I got a case I can't get outta my mind." "I'm not interested in your mind at all." " Honestly..." " Knock, knock." "I whipped up a little lubricating oil for the old brainbox." " Trapper..." " Is the, uh finding a new approach to the problem?" " She's leaving." " Not on my account." " No, on mine." "Trap, thanks for the booze, but I really do want to be alone." "What's going on?" "!" "I want privacy." "There's everything here but the kitchen sink!" " What's that?" " Kitchen sink." "Out!" "Out!" " Forgive me." " If you say so." "Have you seen Bride of the Gorilla and Bonzo Goes to College?" "No." " Why don't we both miss 'em together?" " You young people just run along." "I'll bring you some coffee later." "There is absolutely no one here!" "Um..." "Pierce, I wanna talk to you." "Take a number." "Though I'd rather you didn't." "I keep telling everybody I wanna be alone!" "I don't mind talking to you, but wherever you are Radar follows." "He's at the movies." "We won't be interrupted." "You don't understand:" "you're already interrupting." " Then I'll say it fast." " Start." "You're losing perspective." "Your guts are in a knot because one patient has gone sour." " In an outfit like this, that's bad." " I don't buy that." " You don't buy it because you're dedicated." " Shouldn't I be?" "Depends... on whether you're dedicated to your patient or your ego." "Don't try to practise psychiatry." "It always gives you a headache." "Colonel Blake?" "See?" "The sun came up and your three-foot shadow appeared." " Sir?" " Whatever it is, it can wait!" " Could you sign these?" " Can't these wait?" "Henry, sign it!" "It's so next week we can get Love Life of a Gorilla and Bedtime for Bonzo." "What would you take to desert?" "I'm leaving, I'm leaving." "But not before I tell you to give up the luxury of trying to be Dr Perfect in this GI butcher shop." "Save that luxury for when you go home to your private practice, where you can pick the kind of patients that won't go sour on ya." " You know something?" " What?" "You're not nearly as dumb as I thought you were." " Thanks." "You know something?" " What?" "You're disgusting when you try to be nice." "See you around." " Captain Pierce." " Taken to cruising the compound, Major?" "Can't you put your hostility aside for one minute?" "Oh, all right, I'll stack it on top of my anger." " I've been thinking about Thompson." " Welcome to the club." "Sort of going over it in my mind, and..." "Is it possible you missed something?" "I'm not trying to be a wise guy." "That I missed something is not exactly a new thought." "But what?" "There were a lot of fragments." "You couldn't find each one." "I thought I did." "There could've been more damage, but where?" " Could it have nicked the small intestine?" " Impossible!" "I couldn't have missed that." "I ran the bowel before I closed him up." " What about..." " No, come on, look." "You just assisted." "I ran the controls." "I oughta know." "Well, you obviously don't!" "I'll just hang a diploma in the latrine and open a hot-dog stand!" "Goodnight, Major!" "Goodnight!" "Hey." "Hey!" "Hey, hey!" "Hey, wake up!" "Come on, wake up." "Let's go!" "Open the door!" " What's wrong?" " I'm opening him up." " You'll assist me." " Wait till I'm dressed!" "Later." "Wake up Ugly John and get somebody to prep Thompson." " Can't it wait till morning?" " I said now." "Move!" "Sorry, Frank." " Let me have some suction." " Suction." " Gimme a lap sponge." " Lap sponge." " Anything?" " Not yet." "Pick up some scissors." " These OK?" " Yeah, fine." " How's he doin'?" " Pretty good." " But don't muck about." "He's got a high fever." " Right, Doctor." "Lap sponge." "Sponge." "Bingo!" "The shrapnel tore the back of the sigmoid colon." "That has to be it." " Anybody could've missed that." " Thanks, Frank." "OK, let's close him up." "I'm so glad, Hawkeye." " You know something?" " What?" "You're beautiful when you sweat." "This is no longer my bunk?" "You spent two nights away and Captain Phillips moved in." "That's it." "Hey, Trap." "You're talkin' to one of the founding fathers." "I named this dump." "I threw the first garbage on the floor." " Sorry." " Sorry my butt!" "Lafayette, I am here!" "Hey, you know somethin'?" "When I see you sitting there like that in your favourite chair, with a glass of raw spirits in your hand, thinking evil thoughts," "I can't throw you out." "If you kiss me, I'll throw up."