"Well, we finished the errands, Mom." "It's such a treat driving Dad's Dodge." "The noise, the rust the thrill of watching the open road through the open floorboard." "We got everything you wanted from the store: bourbon-flavored bonbons romance novels Kenny G CD." "You and Dad are gonna have quite a time tonight, huh?" "Batteries." "You know, it seems like there's something we forgot to do today." "I guess my cries this morning of "if you use the car please, I beg you, pick me up from work" was a little vague." "Al, would you shut up?" "We're trying to remember what we forgot to do." "How did I get home, you ask?" "Not having correct change for public transportation nor the bills to get correct change nor the job to get the bills to get correct change I got a ride from two fine gentlemen who drive the road-kill truck." "How was your day, Peg?" "Anything interesting happen on the couch?" " Well, actually" " I don't care." "Give me my car key." "Last time you get to use the Dodge!" " How will I get to school?" " Yeah, Dad." "How will I get to work?" "How will I get to the store to buy the double issue of the National Enquirer?" "And food and groceries." "Dad, why don't you just get us a car?" "Jeez, Louise, why didn't I think of that?" "New cars for everybody!" "Peg, would you like a BMW?" "I kind of see myself in a Jaguar." "If only we could find one that hungry." "Well, I have $400 saved from work." "I'll get a car myself." "Hey, wait a second." "I have $400 saved too." "We can pool our money and share a car twice as nice." " Yeah." "Not like Dad's piece of" " Children!" "Oh, what the hell..." "Wolfen." "Let me tell you something about sharing." "It can only come to trouble." "Your mother and I shared a bed, and nothing good came out of it." "Well, maybe that's because nothing good went into it." "It doesn't matter." "You've only got $800." "And $800 can't buy you a car." " Jefferson, tell them what $800 can buy." " Well it could buy you a nice car." "You know where we can get a car for $800?" "Car auctions." "You know, where they sell cars seized by federal agencies." "True." "They may not be in the best of shape." "Bullet holes, blood stains the smell of rotting bodies." "But then you don't seem to mind riding in the Dodge." "There are no bullet holes in my Dodge." "But that can be changed if you're willing to crawl into the trunk." " Dad, take us to the auction." "Please." " We'll share." "How'd the auction go?" "Do not touch the car." "We don't know where your hands have been." "Then you better not sit in it!" "Fine." "As you can tell, the kids purchased a car." "And as you can see all my fears about them sharing were unfounded." "I warned you!" "But on the good side, I got them to knock off another $100 on the car." "Why pay for seat belts if you don't have brakes?" " You know what I'm gonna do?" " Give the money to me?" "Yes." "To buy groceries." "Groceries?" "Yes, Peg." "The stuff you have to wade through to get to the TV Guide." "And I better be able to eat everything in that bag, Peg." "Just food." "Just beef." "Just do it." "That's right, Peg." "God, they look so firm." "Hold them up for me, baby." "Now let's see that pretty rump." "Beautiful!" "Al, my blisters are hurting from carrying that food to the checkout counter." "If you'd been there before you'd know the carts in front of the store are for that." "I thought that was parking for the homeless." "You will never guess who I met." "The guy who plays Neuter the Cat on the Tender Innards commercials." "You mean that one that says "If this meat were any fresher, the jockey would still be riding it"?" "He's so hot." "He's the 10th most recognizable cat in media history behind Heathcliff and the late Miles Davis." "Look, sweetheart." "Daddy's got meat!" "That's great, Daddy." "This guy could do wonders for my career so I asked him on a date in my new car." "Not so fast, Pumpkin." "You're gonna need to be covered." "Isn't that up to the guy, Dad?" "I'm talking about auto insurance, you little" "Oh, now, Pumpkin just so you didn't think I didn't care, I got the best." "South Forty Auto Insurance, the farmer's friend." " But there are things you need to know." " You registered it as a farm vehicle?" "Don't be surprised." "He registered the Dodge as a pull toy." "The next thing I register's gonna be a handgun." "Sweetheart, now that you drive a farm vehicle there are a few restrictions you need to know about:" "One, you must not drive on paved roads." "Two, the Amish always have the right of way." "Three, since you always must be on official business you must have this in your car at all times." "Hence the South Forty motto, "No chicken, no check."" "Hey, Kel, great news." "I got" "South Forty Insurance, Dad?" "It's a damn fine company." "Farmer's best friend, next to a sheep and a tall wheat field." "Anyhow, I got a date with a foreign exchange student who's so easy she makes you look like a calculus problem." "Well, you can't have the car tonight because I'm going out with Neuter." "You can go out with Dad anytime." " I promised to take her to the drive-in." " I'm taking my date there in my car." " I'm not giving up my date." " I'm not giving up mine." "American movies are so confusing." "So much subtext." "So much character." "The important part to remember is that Elmer is mad at Bugs." "You see, he tied his shotgun into a bow earlier." "Exchange student, huh?" "What did we send to her country, a head of lettuce and some sand?" "What does she mean by that?" "Nothing." "I'm just gonna get comfortable here." "I'm sorry, Kel, if I hurt your legs or his hand." "It's okay." "Accidents happen." "Which explains you." " Hey, shut up!" " We're trying to have sex over here!" "So are we!" "You know, I'm sure you hear this all the time but your portrayal of Neuter is staggering." "Thanks." "Have you seen my one where I say "My stomach hails the taste of entrails"?" "Great date, Kel." "What, was the 4000 Flushes guy busy?" "Well, I'm sorry if we were disturbing you and Evita up here." "It's just unusual for me to see you with a date that doesn't require a patch kit." "What does she mean by that?" "Nothing." "Shut up!" "Come on." "Come on." "Let's go." "All right, Kel, look." "We can't go on like this anymore." "In order to make this sharing thing work we have to coexist together in the car, okay?" "Okay." "Deal." "Bud my loins are warm for you." "Get out." "No." "I hate you." "If you want the back seat, get into someone else's car." "That is really stupid." "Hey wanna get into the back seat of someone else's car?" "Or better yet, that pickup truck?" "Isn't that dangerous?" "Well, "Danger" is my middle name." "Franklin's his middle name." "Watch." "I'll show you how easy it is." "It's all clear." "Come and get it." "Hit the floor." "Oh, look." "He must really like you." "He's wearing his underwear with the hearts." "Peg, what are you doing down there?" "I'm over here, Mongo." "Well, Peg, where's my tri-tip?" "According to Jake, the refrigerator couldn't handle that much food." "So it just kind of OD'd." "What are you saying?" "That can't happen!" "Happened to Elvis." " Where's my food?" " I gave it to the poor." "Well, then it's still around here." "Get over it, Al." "It's gone." "And so am I." " I'm eating with the D'Arcys." " What about me?" " They don't like you." " I don't like them." "But I'm willing to go." "Why do I come here?" "Why doesn't Willie Nelson do a benefit for me?" "He could call it "Al Aid."" "I'm so hungry, I could eat a vegetable." "Marcie?" "There's a note." "Dear Daddy." "Due to circus dances..." " Due to circumst" " What Kelly is trying to say is we had to dump the chicken." "P.S. By the time you read this, I'll be getting some." "Love, Bud." "What am I supposed to do with a live chicken?" "Welcome to the terror dome." "Well, I went to the nurse-slash-hotdog lady." "Did you know that relish aids in clotting?" "Bud, you are so brave." "You let the dog rip you to pieces for me." "I resonate in my seat for you." "Get out!" "People with futures are talking here." "So you really brought your cat suit?" "Yeah." "It helps me be myself." "I know it's hard to believe, but I'm a little shy." "I had a tough childhood." "People think the rich have it easy." "Well, we don't." "Rich?" "I don't mean like trillionaires." "Just a few billion." "Anyway, I know it's strange but there are things I can say in my costume that I can't say out of it." "Like what?" "Like... inviting certain people I like to all-expense-paid trips to certain island paradises that I own." "Get out!" "Not this time, Fancy Feast." "The worm has turned." "You mean to tell me that a couple seconds of cheap sex means more to you than my happiness?" "A milk shake means more to me than your happiness." "Fine." "Come on, Neuter." "Let's walk amongst the pines and empty tubes of ointment and talk of the things you own and will give me." "If you'll just help me out of these bandages here we can test the shocks on this baby." "So this island that you own is it near the beach?" "Yes." "Well, then put your head on and let's talk." "Kelly I've been alone for a long, long time." "Just one more bandage." "Then I can really hurt you." "It's been so long." "Well, it's gonna be even longer, King Tut." " What are you doing here?" " I don't wanna talk about it." "Sit down, Neuter." "I'm hungry." "Bud, why don't you go to the nurse and get us a hot dog." " Why don't you go?" " No." "You go." "Look." "Let's just both go, okay?" "All right." "Look, Kel." " I'm sorry about your friend, okay?" " Yeah, well, it's okay." "It's just my luck." "All the other cats are either married or gay." "Listen." "Let's not fight." "You and Sonja take the car and Neuter and I will go hang out in an alley." "He's used to it." " Thanks, Kel." " No problem." " Oh, Neuter!" " Oh, Sonja!" "You know what really hurts, Kel?" "Throwing meat in the car and setting Cujo loose on them?" "You're way ahead of me." "Then let's get it over with." "Al, correct me if I'm wrong but didn't the insurance policy say "no chicken, no check"?" "You hate to see me eat, don't you, Peg?" "But it's too late." "It's in, and it's staying in." "Yeah." "I've heard that before." "I'll get another chicken tomorrow." "The chances of them wrecking the car the one night the chicken isn't in it is a billion-to-one." "Daddy, we wrecked the car." "On purpose." "You were right." "Kelly and I aren't ready to share." "So to get our money back, we totaled it." "All you have to do is toss the chicken in the back seat before the insurance company gets here and we're home free." "You proud of us, big guy?"