"I'm totally optimistic, totally pessimistic." "I love myself." "I can't stand myself." "No!" "I'm intelligent." "I'm so dumb it scares me." "I'm strong." "I'm a weakling." "I'm so bored I'm depressed." "I'm so depressed I'm bored." "I'm filled with potential, and I have hostile frustration." "Fucking lie to me!" "My own fluctuations embarrass me." "But whatever I am..." "I was born to two sixteen-year-old degenerates... and I am totally flawed." "These are my conflicts." "This is my window." "This is my head." "God is love, God is love" "Praise him, praise him, all ye little children" "God is love, God is love" "Good morning." "Will?" "Yes." "It's not like that." "Will's a good Christian." "I don't trust him." "I didn't know you were out here." "Well, I am." "So why don't you take your zebra stripes... back into the bedroom?" "You're just jealous... because you haven't dated anyone in a year." "I would rather play with myself... until I got raw and blistered." "You're disgusting." "Don't ever leave him in the apartment alone." "She just needs to get laid." "Where's the salt?" "Hello." "Speaking." "The opening's tomorrow night." "Five to 4:00." "Well, so far, The Voice is coming." "Art Forum should be here." "And I spoke to The Times." "Don't worry." "These artists will really move you." "Good." "See you tomorrow night." "What's up with the canvases?" "I just put it on so that... you know, the dust doesn't settle on my paintings." "Oh." "Just make sure you don't forget to take them off." "I'm not inviting people here to see nothing." "I know." "You're talented, Lilli." "Hello." "Hello." "Lilli?" "This is Grandpa Black." "Are you going to visit your father bec..." "There it is." "What do you think?" "It looks nothing like me." "That looks exactly like you." "Now can you give me my money?" "Because I've got to go." "You gave me water." "I can feel that I'm not high." "I'm looking in the mirror, and I can see I'm not fucking high." "Charles... you're my best friend, right?" "Tell my fucking wasted wife she's fucking high, man." "OK." "You're high." "I think I saw you crossing the street earlier." "Right." "I think I saw you... watching me cross the street earlier." "I'm Morrison." "I'm Lilli." "Would you like to have lunch with me?" "No." "Why not?" "Well, why not?" "Yeah, I'm going to have lunch... with some guy that drives around in his car... trying to pick up girls." "I don't think so." "I don't "pick up girls."" "I don't, you know, believe what people tell me." "Trust can bring a lot of false hope." "And not trusting at all can bring a lot of loneliness." "So, if we were to go out for lunch, where would we go?" "I have turkey and tuna... but if you wanted something else... we could always stop and pick it up." "Turkey and tuna." "So, do you normally conduct business... and serve sandwiches out of your car?" " Yeah." " Yeah." "What are you so scared of?" "Leaving my car, leaving my apartment." "Germs mostly." "So, how do you go on the subway?" "I have never and never will ever go anywhere near a subway." "You're kidding, right?" "OK, I will split this turkey sandwich with you... if you get out of the car." " Can't leave." " Why not?" " I don't want to." " What's the big deal?" "You can do it." "Come on." "Don't patronize me." "I'm not... totally defective." "Prove it." "Jesus Christ, thank you for this beautiful day... with the sun shining." "We have viewed thy grace." "Thank you for this beautiful church, this place of worship... and my sisters." "God, help us as we're striving to do your work." " Amen." " Amen." "So, what did you want to talk about?" "Sometimes my father slaps my butt... and it makes me feel disgusting." "Sometimes parents express their affection... in inappropriate ways." "So, you basically use germs... to distance yourself from the world." "Yeah." "What do you use?" "Let me guess." "Your personality." "Funny." "Is that a family trait?" "No." "My family is very normal." "Where do they live?" "Well, let's see." "My father lives in Arizona." "He's dying of lung cancer." "And my mom lives here and works and stuff." "You know, they're very normal." "Yeah." "You just said they were very normal twice." "I'm sorry about your father." "So is he." "Does he do anything else that makes you feel uncomfortable?" "I bet your daddy really loves you." "You're a phony asshole." "So... what do you do?" "I drive around in my car, and I watch people... and I write down what I think they're thinking about." "And I just had a book published." "It's called..." ""Notes from a Vehicle."" "That's great." "I paint." "I mean, I'm not, like, a housepainter." "You know, I'm doing a show." "Hopefully, the people that come won't think I suck." "Why would they?" "I don't know." "You know, overall, I'm not impressed with people... and yet, you know, I still care what they think." "It's pretty fucking pathetic." "I don't think it matters how successful you are." "You can always feel like a failure." "So, are you parents supportive?" "Yo, Reg, my brother." "What's up, man?" "Come in my house." "What you want, man?" "What you want?" "I want to see you." "I want to share some time with you." "Come on, man." "Come in." "Have a seat." "Reggie, you're my friend, you're my neighbor... and I trust you." "I want an opinion, man." "My little girl's an artist." "She is talented." "You really think so, dad?" "I sure do, sweetie." "Show Mr. Rich." "That's a girl." "I mean, my dad, you know... he would tell me that he thought I was talented." "Well, that's the way it should be." "When was the last time you saw your father?" "I don't know." "A year ago." "Don't you think that's strange?" "I think everything is strange." "So... what did your dad say when he read your book?" "I don't know." "Your dad's never read your book, has he?" "You think you ever know... what's going on in somebody else's head?" "I think you feel people." "You get an instinct." "If you want, you could..." "Come by the gallery tomorrow night." "8:30." "No." "I don't really like to be around a lot of people." "I'm usually alone." "Well, you should probably... ask your dad if he's ever read your book." "And thanks for that turkey sandwich." "I mean, the turkey was a little dry... but it was pretty good." "I like talking to you." "I liked talking to you, too." "Want me to ring up to your daddy?" "Yeah, I know." "Don't tell him who it's from." "Thanks." "Your father and I have orchestra seats... for Wagner's "Und Isolde" tomorrow at the Met." "I'm so glad you came for dinner." "So, are you happy with the reviews?" "I haven't read them." "Our friend Dr. Shapiro read your book." "He said he thought you seemed depressed." "I told him my son has always felt deeply about things... and if the doctor can only equate depth with depression... perhaps he's projecting and to try to figure out... what's wrong with him." "You should put your glasses on." "Anyway, I did tell him that when you were twelve... you spent the month of June in your room... because you wanted to think." "It was just after I passed my kidney stone." "You were always a lonely kid." "I work in Harlem." "What are you doing up here?" "Sure, I understand." "It's a secret." "So, if I were to go into a store right now... and buy a copy of your book... how much would you get?" "I don't know." "What do you think?" "Richard." "Are you working on a second book?" "I just finished this one." "Lilli, you ever felt so much pain... that you just wanted to tear out your insides?" "What are the odds that you'll be able to support kids... on the income from this one?" "I don't have... kids." "What are you saying?" "Nothing." "I'm just saying that I don't have kids." "I hate my family." "They hate me." "Yeah." "Well, family can be fucked, right?" "I'd stick my finger into existence..." "And it smells of nothing." "Kierkegaard." "That is so funny, because I stuck my finger up my ass once." "And it smelled like shit." "See, I think that you take yourself a little too serious." "So, if you don't mind..." "I'm trying to read." "What are you reading?" "Dad... have you ever read..." "Like a clock." "He is so... regular." "You know, Lilli... no one's had a more fucked-up childhood than me." "Hey, Shorts." "How was school?" "Come here." "Come on." "Come here." "Mom went out." "See, now..." "I never even knew my mom." "No, she did not even love me enough to keep me." "She put me up for adoption." "She gave me this." "Pretty, isn't it?" "It's a butterfly." "Come here." "Promise daddy that you'll wear this until the day I die." "OK?" "Good." "All right, come here close." "That's a girl." "Let me see." "Honey, nobody has had a fucked-up childhood as I had." "Shit." "No, I have it." "I'll help you." " I have it." " I'll help you." "Jesus Christ." "You see, I can be a gentleman." "I'll be there tomorrow night." "Come by." "It'll be fun." "You see, I don't really take myself that serious." "Oh!" "My..." "You fuck!" "Excuse me." "Did you ever hear of a book called..." ""Notes from a Vehicle?"" "Yeah." "It's right behind you." "Thanks." "Look, I don't know." "Why don't you try the computer section upstairs?" "Yeah, tomorrow is great." "Bye." "He hasn't called yet." "That's because he's too busy wandering subway cars." "I just saw him." "He stole my fucking necklace." "Do you believe in God?" "No." "If you love yourself and you love thy neighbor... and you love God..." "That's all you need." "A year ago, I tried to kill myself." "But then I found God." "God is my salvation." "Listen... your triangle concept..." "it's great." "But I'm telling you, he's a fucking psycho." "I'm not skeptical of everyone, like you." "I trust what people tell me." "Maybe that's the problem." "It's OK." "Catherine, put on your pajamas." "New York." "Black, Lilli." "And could I also have an address with that?" "Hi." "It's mom." "Hope you're going to grandma's today... for Christina's birthday." "I'll pay you back the money you lent me... when I get paid." "I promise I'll pay you back this time." "Hello." "Hello, Lilli." "This is Grandpa Black." "Your father has refused to go to the hospital." "He's refused intravenous therapies." "He wants to be left alone." "Lilli, your father's going to die." "Has Grandma Black visited him?" "No." "She won't go." "Why?" "Because he's adopted?" " What?" " Let me ask you." "Have you visited him at all?" "No." "When you and grandma... decide to pay my father, your son, a visit... you should, you know, definitely give me a call... because we can make it a little family outing." "Lilli, please don't..." "Lilli?" "Cologne?" "What, are you having an affair?" "Catherine, don't be ridiculous." "How do I look?" "You look wonderful." "Must you really go in on a Saturday?" "I have a hundred men working on a site on Long Island." "I should at least show up." "What are you doing here?" "I was thinking about our conversation." "What about it?" "Just that, you know, you invited me to your show... and I should have said yes." "You don't have to go." "I want to." "I mean..." "Never mind." "No." "I..." "I want to go." "OK." "I hate this shit." "What shit?" "Can I give you a lift somewhere?" "I'm just going to the diner to get breakfast." "I make a killer omelet." "What, do you have a hotplate in your backseat?" "No." "I have a stove at my apartment." "That sounds a little risky, don't you think?" "Do you promise you won't attack me?" " I'll try." " You'll try?" "OK." "So, are you excited about tonight?" "I don't know." "Baring my soul to critics." "Let's see..." "I think there may be a few other adjectives..." "I'd use to describe it." "It's so fucking hard to become someone, you know." "You are someone." "Hi, Will." "This is Flora." "You said you were going to call last night." "Anyway, call me when you get in." "You know, when I was younger... my dad used to sit me down... he would buy me a slice of pizza... and play a Gray Davis song to help me sort out my brain." "Hi, Will." "This is Flora." "I'm going to the coffee shop on your block... in case you want to stop by." "Anyway, I'll call in to check my messages." "I'm looking forward to hearing from you." "I knew it... when I met you." "I have to go to the bathroom." "OK." "It's around the corner." "Yeah, that's nice, sweetie." "That was really good." "So, what do you think, man?" "That's nice." "That's nice." "You OK, man?" "You fell asleep." "Dude, I'm sorry, man." "Why don't you go home and get some sleep?" "You know what?" "I'll talk to you tomorrow." "I'll check you tomorrow." "Shorts, come here, baby." "I want to show you something." "Wait right there for just a second." "Did you really..." "Honey, could you get the cord for daddy, please?" "I love you, Shorts." "Come on." "Let's go." "In the house." "Hurry up." "Get the door for me." "Thank you." "Hurry up." "It looks like we're going to get high, baby!" "What you mean "we," paleface?" "Jesus, look at my fucking ass." "I didn't see your ass out there helping me." "Yeah, cold, my ass." "How could anyone as pathetic as you... with despicable parents ever become someone?" "Are you OK?" "Yeah." "I'll be right out." "I can't do this." "I definitely can't do this." "I can't do this." "I got to go." "What do you mean, you got to go?" "We haven't even eaten yet." "I care about you." "I'm sorry." "I don't feel that way." "Fuck you, Lilli." "Fuck you." "Fuck you, too." "Well, you've certainly been around a long time." "Long enough to know what I'm doing." "I imagine you could use an established architect." "The reservations are confirmed." " 8:00." " Perfect." "That... was Robert Kirshenbaum." "Well, I appreciate your introducing me." " Hello." " Hi." "It's Flora." "Hello, Flora." "I wanted to talk to you." "I'm sorry." "We have a bad connection." "Excuse me." "How old do I look to you?" "I don't know." "But don't worry." "I gave you the discount." "Mr. Wiley." "Is this yours?" "No." "Hey." "You're forty-five minutes late." "Everyone was hungry." "I know." "I'm sorry." "I missed my stop." "Hello." " Hi, grandma." " Hi, darling." "Hi, mom." "Hey, you." "I'm taking karate lessons." "I hope you're not going to wear that to work." "What's the big deal?" "People wear Chinese clothing." "It's in style." "A receptionist in a surgeon's office... shouldn't dress like that." "I hope the neighbors didn't see." "Happy birthday." "Thanks." "So, how are you?" " What's that?" " Nothing." "You stopped biting your nails." "One day I realized I just didn't need... to bite them anymore." "Weird, right?" "But I could change whoever I am whenever I want to... and I can be whoever I want to be." "You can't be whatever you want to be." "You know what I mean." "Don't tie up the line." "Your dad still living in Arizona?" "He's doing great." "Yeah." "He has a new house." "Right, mom?" "Sure, he's living the rich life... but he don't give you nothing." "That's why he was given up for adoption." "A mother can always tell a bad seed." "Even his adopted mother hates him." "Grandma, I'm doing OK on my own." "Yeah, right." "Are you dating anyone?" "I met a guy, but..." "Whatever." "It didn't work out." "So you'll find someone new." "Yeah." "Well, maybe he has a friend." "So, what do you want me to say?" "The milk's rotten." "Shit." "I need the milk for my coffee." "Hey, get up." "We need some milk." "Charles, come on." "Get up." "Charles." "Come on." "Get up." "When's daddy coming home?" "I don't know what to do!" "I don't know what to do!" "Fuck!" " Christina, eat." " Why?" "Hello." "Hello, Lilli." "It's Grandpa Black." "I'm here with your father." "The doctors says it's a matter of hours." "What?" "Let me talk to her." "Hold on." " Shorts?" " Yeah." "Hey, you too good for your old man?" "I thought I might see you and the butterfly." "You still wearing it?" "Of course." "Oh!" "I bought the cookies." "Grandma got a Carvel cake." "Dad..." "Lilli... he can't talk that much." "Sorry." "Have a cookie." "I got them from the bakery at the Pathmark." "Pathmark has a good bakery." "These cookies are terrible." "Don't any of you know what's really going on?" "What's she talking about?" "I let my mother talk me into lying." "My father's dying of AIDS." "What's she talking about?" "I don't know." "She's crazy." "She's always making up these fucking stories!" "I'm making up fucking stories?" "OK, that's it." "What are you doing?" "I'm leaving." "I gave birth to her." "What else the fuck does she want from me?" "Hello." "Hello." "Hi." "It's Flora." "Please leave a message after the beep." "Hi, Flora." "This is Lilli." "I'm looking for your bipolar fucking boyfriend." "So if you could give me a call on my..." "Fucking battery." "Fuck you, battery." "There you are." "We have to leave now." "We'll be late." "I'm not going." "What?" "Catherine..." "I haven't worked in months." "I got laid off." "I'm too old." "Nobody wants me." "I was wondering when you'd have the courage to tell me." "What do you want me to say, Richard?" "There's nothing more nauseating... than watching a man being swallowed by his pride." "Life could be really bad." "You could have cancer." "Now get your fucking binoculars." "We're going to the opera." "Reefer?" "No." "Pot makes me paranoid." "Can I have a slice... that I can really smell?" "They call this a good weed." "It doesn't make you feel paranoid." "It makes you feel good." "Do you know which way the Pit Bar is?" "Next block, on your right, black door." "Do you know what kind of place it is?" "A bar." "Do you think that I could use your phone?" "OK." "Hello." "Hello." "Hello." "I'm sorry that I couldn't be honest with you." "I'm sorry that I'm a liar." "Lilli..." "Because you're a really great person... and I was lucky to meet you." "I didn't mean what I said." "I wanted to kiss you again, but I threw up in your bathroom." "And I thought you would think that my breath stunk." "I don't care if your breath stinks." "I'm sorry that your father never read your book." "Because I did." "And it's really inspiring, and you're really talented." "Where are you?" " Thanks." " You're welcome." "Excuse me." "Does a guy named Will work here?" "What?" "A guy named Will." "Does a guy named Will work here?" "Yeah." "He's around." "Hello, Lilli." "You just scared the shit out of me." "Excuse me." "Do you think I could have my necklace back?" "Is that what you came here for?" "Yeah." "My father gave it to me." "Do you think you could give it back?" "Yeah, sure." "It's in my room." "Well, can you bring it here?" "You fuck." "Listen, I'll pay you for the fucking necklace, OK?" "You like the way I look?" "Where you going?" "Sit!" "This is your daddy's?" "I said, do you like the way I look?" "Yes." "Why the fuck would you want to play with yourself until you got raw and blistered than to be with me?" "I was kidding." "You think I'm stupid, don't you?" "No." "Don't you fucking lie to me!" "Don't fucking lie to me!" "Funny, huh?" "Stuck my finger in my ass once... and it smelled like shit!" "Right?" "Huh?" "Right?" "I don't think you're stupid." "I don't think you're stupid." "Touch me." "Here, touch me." "You want me to fuck you?" " I'd do that for you." " No." "I'm not going to hurt you." "I'm not going to hurt you." "You know, when you come about... it's the purest form of yourself, Lilli." "You even lie to yourself about what you get off on, Lilli." "No!" "No!" "No!" "I'm not going to hurt you." "I'm not going to hurt you." "I'm not going to hurt you." "I'm not going to fucking hurt you." "Put your fucking hands down." "Relax." "Let go of my fucking hands." "You shouldn't have done that, Lilli." "Hi." "Are you Gapu?" "Yeah." "We spoke on the phone." "Oh." "About the girl?" "Yeah." "Did you see which way she went?" "No idea." "Fucking dog!" "This fucking bitch is more important!" "Sorry." " Thanks." " Reefer?" "We didn't have to leave." "You and Wagner..." "It was a little too depressing." "Lilli." "What are you doing here?" "What's going on?" "No." "No, you can't be here." "Get back in your car." "You don't know where I'm from." "I don't give a shit about where you're from." "I'm scared for you to see who I am, too." "Can we just... talk?" "My dad's not dying of cancer." "He's dying of AIDS." "Fuck!" "Hello." "Come in." "Are you Lilli?" "Yeah." "He's not going to be able to eat that pizza." "Yeah, I know." "I just..." "I thought he might like the smell." "He asked me to give this to you." "Thank you." "Did you get the tux?" "For my show." "What tux?" "What's wrong?" "Tell me what's wrong." "Just the pain." "It's just the pain." "When I was a kid... it was all mental." "Now it's all physical." "Where are the flowers?" "Don't fence the lillies." "I'm sorry, Shorts." "I'm sorry." "I'm glad you came to see me." "Me, too." "Me, too." "Hello." "Hi, mom." "Can I talk to dad?" "Hello." "We're about to eat." "Dad..." "Dad..." "Did you ever read my book?" "I'm sorry." "I haven't had the time." "I'll try to read it this weekend." "You just don't get it, do you?" "That's OK." "You read his book." "You just can't tell him, can you?" "Competing with your son." "Hey." "What are you doing out here?" "I can't believe that you came... and you're wearing a blazer." "And you shaved." "I was such an asshole earlier." "I'm going to go inside." "What?" "You can't go in there." "Look at all those people." "Well, what are you going to do, sit out here all night long?" "Lilli, if they didn't like your paintings... why would they put you in the show?" "Why?" "Because the curator doesn't have a fucking clue." "Or you know what?" "Maybe he does have a clue... but when he was picking out the paintings... he was, like, sick that night and not paying attention." "Or they're using my work... to make somebody else's work look better... like a conspiracy." "You know, you should really keep those thoughts to yourself." "You're starting to make me look confident." "Are you going to... come inside?" "Wait." "Will you just wait here?" "Lilli Black..." "I'd like you to meet Anne Friar from The New York Times." "Congratulations." "Thank you very much." "I thought you might like to tell her... a little bit about your paintings." "I'm sorry." "Could you excuse me?" "It was very nice meeting you." "You did it." "Thank you." "You know, I've spent my life... trying not to feel... stuffing everything deeper and deeper inside..." "Pretending." "Pretending about what?" "That I feel fine..." "That I'm OK." "You know, coming here, pretending that..." "That I'm OK that my father just died." "I'm sorry... about your father." "Just don't pretend that you're not capable..." "Because you are." "Maybe your parents weren't." "Do you know that I knew it?" "I knew it when I met you." "I know." "Hi, Will." "It's Flora." "I want to talk to you, so..." "I'll just get the address and stop by the bar." "OK?" "I'll see you soon." "Bye."