"So how long have you been spying on the president?" "And which one of you stole the president's dog?" "I have never seen that dog in my entire life." "Aw, who's my little girl?" "Who's my little..." "I mean, ah, strange dog." "Help me." "Ugh, the sun's not even up yet." "Why am I?" "Believe me, no one in their right mind is happy about being at school at 4 A.M." "Whoo-hoo!" "Crack of dawn." "Big school trip to our nation's capital!" "And there you have it." "I have 2 days to see 23 monuments, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, and the 44th president." "Whoa, slow down there, numbers." "We're going to Washington D.C., not math-achusetts." "Uhh." "Garrett, you do know the school trip is to Washington D.C., not Mars." "Mars would be cleaner." "Unlike a hotel, thousands of people haven't slept there, let alone gone to the bathroom there." "What are you going to do?" "Hold it in the whole time?" "This suit comes equipped with a 16 ounce potty pocket." "Aah." "Yup, that works." "I love that fresh hotel room smell." "All I can smell is the strangers who were on that bed, and in that chair, and in that bathroom." "To be fair, I think I still smell that last one, too." "I hate hotels." "They make me nervous." "I'm sweating." "I need a cold drink." "Ooh, this butt divot fits me perfect." "Let's see what's on TV." "Or out the window." "I feel like pineapple juice, but I think the sodium in tomato might replenish me." "That thimble of pineapple juice is like 11 bucks!" "What?" "!" "That's highway robbery!" "Put it back!" "Quick!" "The mini-fridge has a thirty second timer, and if everything isn't back exactly how it was, they'll charge you for it!" "We don't have time for your weird gasp." "Go!" "Help me!" "Help me put it all back!" " Wait." "No, no, no." " It's like a puzzle." "You know I hate puzzles." "Where does the triangle chocolate bar go?" "I got this." "Do something!" "It's about to blow!" "We did it." "I'm exhausted." "I really do need something to drink." "I do not believe this." "Tell me about it." "One closet for the three of us?" "No, I just talked to the chaperone." "They lost my luggage." "Oh, good, more room in the closet for me." "I mean, I'm sorry for your loss." "Don't worry about it." "I'm sure somebody grabbed it by mistake, and it's on its way back to you right now." "What am I gonna wear for the next two days?" "I have an extra prairie dress, spurs, and chaps if we go somewhere nice." "What are you..." "Oh, don't tell me, this is about..." "Yep." "For the remainder of this trip, I will be Penelope Harkness, pioneer woman." "Why are you so obsessed with her?" "No, no, please, no." "Penelope Harkness, pioneer woman of the old frontier." "She was a trailblazer before they even had trails." "Or blazers." "Seriously?" "You brought your own air mattress?" "Oh, this is not just any air mattress." "This is a germ-free portable sleep system." "It emits a high frequency wave of sound that discourages bugs, bacteria, and dander." "What discourages you?" "While you wallow in hotel filth..." "I will be sleeping on a cloud of sterile comfort." "Or the floor." "Please call my mother." "I want to go home." "And that brings us to 1872 when Penelope Harkness had her unfortunate hatchet incident." "She lost her third toe and her second husband." "It's a two day trip, Delia." "Could you get to the point?" "I'm going to stand outside the White House and become a living, breathing Penelope Harkness statue until they give her her own postage stamp." "Have fun with that." "Oh, we'll all have fun." "While I'm statuing it up, you'll be rallying the crowd." "And you'll be keeping the birds off me." "Yeah." "Pass." "We've got a few free hours before our first group activity." "I'll meet up with you guys at the White House at exactly 12:17." "What's at 12:17?" "According to my itinerary, presidential dog walking." "12:18, presidential poop scooping." "And at 12:19, if he's the leader I think he is, presidential hand washing." "I am not coming to D.C., and not seeing the president." "All right, hon." "Well, good luck and we'll see you later." "She knows every minute of the president's schedule and you think I'm a kook?" "Your buckskin underwear is showing, Penelope." "Penelope Harkness?" "Underwear?" "Please." "Okay, first item on my schedule, unpack." "That's done." "Next item." "Check out the view of the potomac." "Or the air conditioning unit of the potomac wholesale meat liquidation warehouse." "Oh, no." "Hello?" "Anybody?" "Okay, Lindy, don't panic." "Just call Jasmine and Delia." "Okay, now you can panic." "Help!" "Help!" "Check it, the hotel channel has all the sights of Washington." "The Lincoln memorial." "The big, tall, white, pointy memorial that's also in Washington." "Well, I'm done." "I can check D.C. off my list." "Do you mind if I store my safety ladder on your side of the closet?" "Your what?" "My safety ladder." "I'm not taking any chances." "There will be a drill." "And I'm not saying when." "Now!" "No luggage." "No cell phone." "Locked out here." "Can something go my way?" "Anything." "I am a good person." "Can't I catch a break?" "Well, I survived, you did not." "Did I suffer more than I'm suffering now?" "You want to go check out this hot restaurant license to Kielbasa before we have to meet up with the group?" "What's its board of health rating?" "Wow, when you asked to borrow my silver eye shadow," "I didn't think you meant all of it." "Who knew you'd have this much?" "Stop texting." "Man the bullhorn and start chanting my catchy slogans." "Okay." "Get a heart, tin man." "When I say "Penelope," you say "deserves a stamp!"" "Penelope..." "Penelope!" "Okay, we gave it a shot." "We're here just outside the White House where kooks congregate in a vain attempt to publicize their pathetic causes." "I didn't see any kooks out here." "We're hoping to catch a glimpse of the president walking the new, as-yet-unnamed, presidential pup." "The president's gonna come by any second?" "That's great!" "He's gonna get to see Penelope!" "Forget Penelope." "I'm calling Lindy." "All she wants to do is see the president." "Where is she?" "Hello!" "I'm stuck out here!" "Please let me in!" "My phone!" "My phone!" "Bring it to me!" "Well, let's get out of here." "Sorry no one cared about the Penelope Harkness stamp." "Are you okay?" "On the upside, I did make 20 bucks doing the funky robot." "Twenty-one bucks." "Well, at least we're not walking away with nothing." "So the president's dog just jumped into your bag?" "I had authentic pioneer possum jerky in there." "It's what got Penelope Harkness through the jerky famine of aught-three." "And you didn't notice your bag was any heavier?" "Do you have any idea how heavy a girl's bag is?" "No, how heavy is it?" "I don't know." "Jasmine?" "9.6 pounds." "All right." "That's enough talk." "Either charge us or let us go." "Oh, I don't think we've talked enough." "Oh, man, this Kielbasa is kielb-awesome." "Man, this shwarma is shwa-some." "'Sup." "'Sup." "License to Kielbasa, huh?" "The best thing there is the senator sausage." "Oh, yeah, I wanted that, but you have to be a senator to get one." "One of the perks of my job." "You're in the senate?" "Oh, cool." "I'm Logan Watson." "Senator Snell." "You're a senator and your name is senator?" "How freaky is that?" "I'm really worried about Lindy." "I am calling her now, I hope she picks up this time." "I think that's her phone." "Don't be ridiculous." "Why would she have a picture of the housekeeper?" "What happened?" "I got locked out." "I've been trapped all day." "I haven't seen a single thing." "I can't wait to leave this hotel." "I am never leaving this hotel." "I thought hotels freaked you out." "Not anymore." "The free shampoo, the robes, the sewing kits." "That G wasn't there before." "Well, I'm glad you've had a great day, and I'm glad you've had a great day." "Okay, if I hurry, I can still make the White House tour." "I don't think that's gonna happen, Lindy." "All the White House tours are canceled today." "What?" "Why?" "Well, I was in the salon, and I couldn't hear the TV what with the dryer going and Phyllis all "blah-blah-blah,"" "like I care where her son goes to college." "Just tell us what happened, Garrett." "He chose Berkeley." "At the White House." "Something about the president's new puppy missing." "We're still here outside the White House as the search for the president's new puppy continues." "Stay tuned for more breaking news on..." "Doggy gate." "Another thing I love about this hotel..." "That surround sound is unbelievable." "It's like the dog is right here." "So you only work 100 days a year, you get special Kielbasa, and can park anywhere you want?" "Yup." "Or as we say in the senate, "aye."" "Where do "aye" apply for this job?" "Are you interested in government?" "Not at all." "But hey, if a guy like you could get elected, well, if you promise not to run against me, here's my card." "Man, I hate it when work calls." "The president's new dog is missing." "Oh, that's terrible." "Yes and no." "I was supposed to give a report to the president, but he canceled the meeting." "Which is great because I wasn't really prepared." "You hadn't finished it yet?" "I hadn't started." "I could so do this job." "You're gonna get us kicked out of this awesome hotel." "Yes, because that's our biggest problem as presidential dog-nappers, getting kicked out of the hotel." "I met the greatest guy today." "He's a senator and he thinks I'm smart enough to work in government." "I'm moving to Canada." "I'm smarter than you think I am." "Hey, did you guys hear someone stole the president's cute little puppy?" "Oh, what a cute little puppy!" "This is the president's cute little puppy!" "What?" "!" "Why would you guys do that?" "Jasmine, did you get through to the White House yet?" "I can't." "It's like every lunatic in the world is trying to call to complain about something stupid." "And I'm going to keep calling until the president agrees to give Penelope Harkness her own stamp!" "Hello?" "All right, we got to give the dog back to the White House before somebody thinks that we stole it." "We can't go anywhere near the White House." "It'll be crawling with police." "All you have to do is get it over the fence." "Hey, we build a little doggy catapult." "A dog-a-pult, if you will." "Thank you, senator." "It doesn't matter." "To storm the hotel and break down the door." "Please." "There's no way anybody knows who we are or where we are." "Secret service!" "We know you're in there!" "Well, they know where we are, but they don't know we know you have the president's dog." "Well, they don't know who we are." "And here it comes..." "Logan, Lindy, Jasmine, Garrett, let us in." "Well, at least they don't know who I am." "You too, Delia." "Wow, they're good." "Kids, don't make this any worse." "Let us in, and we'll take the president's dog." "Or?" "Or?" "What or?" "There is no or!" "What's that, little puppy?" "You don't want to go back until the president gives" "Penelope Harkness a stamp?" "Nobody is getting anything out of this." "We accidentally took the president's dog and we need to intentionally give it back." "Yes, before they burst through the door." "Or the window." "Or send the marines in." "Or we could get housekeeping to let us in." "Just watch that sliding door." "It sometimes closes and locks you out." "Thanks for the tip." "Would you like to change out of that robe before we go?" "Nah, I'm good." "So how long have you been spying on the president?" "And which one of you stole the president's dog?" "I have never seen that dog in my entire life." "Aw, who's my little girl?" "Who's my little..." "I mean, ah, strange dog." "Help me." "Well, somebody better start talking, because it does not look good for you right now." "First, you lure the dog into your bag with your possum jerky." "You'd be interested to know whose recipe that was." "In 1897, Penelope..." "Not now." "Your partner sends more than 2,000 text messages outside the White House lawn." "I know that's a little odd, but I have a good explanation." "It was a very slow text day for me." "Meanwhile, spa day here plans your escape." "You had a ladder?" "How did you see that?" "Our secret agent Phyllis was spying on you in the salon." "Phyllis is a spy?" "Does her son even go to Berkeley?" "Please, sir, this is all a misunderstanding." "We didn't steal the dog, and we weren't spying on the president." "Then explain this." "A minute-by-minute breakdown of the president's every move." "What does it have to do with me?" "It says, "Lindy's minute-by-minute breakdown of the president's every move."" "I guess that makes things look a teensy bit worse, doesn't it?" "This is going nowhere." "Split 'em up." "One of 'em will talk." "We're the five best friends in the world." "You'll never break us!" "I'm breaking." "I'm totally breaking." "It was the kid dressed like Penelope Harkness." "She did it!" "Oh, man, I'm so tense again." "It's like I never even had that massage." "Do you want to explain breaking into the United States post office?" "So no one's gonna ask me about the silver face?" "Answer the question!" "It was the nervous boy in the robe." "It was all his idea." "He wanted that puppy and he wanted it bad." "Then how do you explain this piece of suspicious luggage left on a Washington roadside?" "My luggage?" "You have my luggage!" "What's left of it." "What's left of it?" "So how long have you been in this paramilitary outfit?" "I am not in a paramilitary outfit." "This is a riducci top and a catalini skirt." "So how long have you been an operative in this radical organization?" "Are you kidding?" "We have never done anything radical in our lives." "Really?" "Okay, if it helps at all, we were really scared, and the guy in the robe peed in his flight suit." "Son, I don't think you understand the gravity of this situation." "Unless you know somebody high up in Washington, you are all in a lot of trouble." "Wait a minute, I do know somebody high up in Washington." "I happen to be a personal friend of senator senator Snell." "Thank you, senator Snell." "We'll take care of it right away." "Sorry to wake you." "Well, I guess someone owes us an apology." "That's still a stolen robe." "We're good here." "Well, I'm not." "I haven't done anything since we got here." "We leave tomorrow, and I want to get at least a glimpse of the president, so goodbye and thank you all." "There she is." "There's my pup." "Who's the greatest dog in the free world?" "You are." "Yes, you are." "We've really got to give you a name..." "And a bath." "Oh, my gosh!" "You're the president!" "And I'm not wearing pants!" "So am I to understand that these are the kids who found my dog?" "I didn't do it!" "No, wait, we did do it." "Oh, sorry, Mr. president." "Force of habit." "I can't thank you enough." "You know what?" "How about a personal tour of the White House?" "That would be so cool!" "Almost forgot my itinerary." "Hello?" "Anybody?" "Anybody?" "And finally, thanks to four amazing teenagers from my hometown of Chicago." "Four, not five." "I thought it was five, but it's only four." "I thank you." "America thanks you." "And this little pup thanks you." "Oh, and one more thing." "To Delia, for your unwavering dedication to America's foremost pioneer woman, may I present to you, Penelope Barkness." "Thank you, sir." "Where are we on the stamp?" "I can't believe Lindy's missing this." "Where is she?" "Anybody?"