"Captioning made possible by COMEDY CENTRAL" "HEY, MORDECHAI, LOOK, I DROPPED A PENNY." "( laughing )" "HEY, MORDECHAI, WANT A BAGEL ?" "HEY, JEW NOSE, SAVE SOME OXYGEN FOR US." "( choking sound )" "HEY, MORDY, MY MOM SAYS THAT IF YOUR PEOPLE DON'T WISE UP" "AND ACCEPT JESUS CHRIST AS YOUR LORD AND SAVIOR," "YOU'RE ALL GONNA BURN IN HELL." "( bell ringing )" "( dog barking )" "HEY, EVERYBODY, LOOK WHAT MORDECHAI GOT." "NICE SPINNING TOP, MORDY." "( laughing )" "NOW, NOW, CLASS." "LET'S NOT MAKE FUN OF MORDECHAI'S SPINNING TOP." "WE ALL NEED TO LEARN THE IMPORTANCE OF TOLERANCE" "AND UNDERSTANDING." "ISN'T THAT RIGHT, MORDECHAI ?" "YES, MRS. HIGHSMITH." "SO, CLASS, IN HONOR OF MORDECHAI'S SPECIAL DAY," "I'D LIKE FOR ALL OF YOU TO WISH MORDY A HEARTFELT" "MERRY "CHANEWKA" DAY SEVEN !" "( children mumbling )" "THAT WAS VERY GOOD, CLASS." "I HOPE YOU'VE ALL LEARNED A VERY IMPORTANT LESSON TODAY." "JUST BECAUSE MORDECHAI'S PEOPLE ARE DIFFERENT FROM US," "AND JUST BECAUSE THEY MAY APPEAR STRANGE TO US" "WITH THEIR FURRY HAT, BEADY EYES, AND LONG SIDEBURNS" "NOT TO MENTION THEIR BIZARRE CUSTOMS," "AND UNNECESSARILY GUTTURAL FUNNY-SOUNDING NAMES," "JUST BECAUSE THEY CONTROL ALL OF THE WORLD'S MONEY," "YET THEY ARE TOO CHEAP TO BUY THEIR CHILDREN ANYTHING BETTER" "THAN SPINNING TOPS FOR PRESENTS," "DOES NOT MEAN THAT WE CAN'T LEARN" "TO LOVE AND RESPECT THEM AS OUR EQUALS." "HAPPY "CHANEWYAKA" DAY SEVEN, MORDY." "?" "SILENT NIGHT HOLY NIGHT ?" "?" "ALL IS CALM ALL IS BRIGHT ?" "?" "ROUND YON VIRGIN MOTHER AND CHILD ?" "( whistling )" "?" "HOLY INFANT SO TENDER AND MILD ?" "?" "SLEEP IN HEAVENLY PEACE ?" "?" "SLEEP IN HEAVENLY PEACE ?" "HO, HO, HO !" "( laughing evilly )" "?" "WHO'S THE CERTIFIED CIRCUMCISED DICK ?" "?" "THAT'S A SEX MACHINE TO ALL THE CHICKS ?" "?" "HAMMER ?" "?" "AMEN ?" "?" "HE'S JUST TRYING TO DO SOME GOOD ?" "?" "HELPING BROTHERS IN THE CHOOD ?" "?" "HAMMER RIGHT ON ?" "( man ) YO, HAMMER." "HAPPY HANUKKAH, MACCABEE." "( gasping )" "THANKS, HAMMER !" "HAMMER, WHY DON'T YOU COME EAT BY US FOR SHABBAT ?" "MY MIRIAM IS ALL GROWN UP NOW." "GOD WILLING, YOU SHOULD SETTLE DOWN AND MARRY." "UH, YEAH, WELL, HEY, THANKS FOR THE OFFER, MRS. KLEINMAN." "BUT RIGHT NOW, G-DASH-D IS THE ONLY ONE FOR ME." "I CAN DIG IT !" "HAMMER, YOU'RE THE BADDEST HEEB THIS SIDE OF TEL AVIV !" "SHABBAT SHALOM, MAMA." "?" "WHO'S THE KIKE THAT WON'T COP OUT ?" "?" "WHEN THERE'S GENTILES ALL ABOUT ?" "?" "HAMMER ?" "?" "ALL RIGHT,BARUCH ATAH ADONAI ELOHENU MELECH HA'OLAM?" "?" "CAN YOU DIG IT ?" "?" "HE'S A COMPLICATED JEW ?" "?" "BUT NO ONE UNDERSTANDS HIM BUT HIS MOTHER... ?" "GIVE IT BACK, GIVE ME MY YARMULKE !" "IT'S A FRISBEE !" "WE WERE GONNA GIVE IT BACK." "I SWEAR TO GOD." "YOU TAKE GOD'S NAME IN VAIN ?" "NO." "I DIDN'T THINK SO." "IT'S NOT LIKE THAT." "WHAT'S IT LIKE ?" "WE WERE JUST ABOUT TO..." "TO LEAVE." "YEAH, YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT, WE WERE JUST ABOUT TO LEAVE." "COME ON, TEDDY." "YOU ALL RIGHT, SHLOMO ?" "I GUESS." "SOMETIMES I WONDER WHY I EVEN BOTHER PRAYING TO ONE GOD." "HEY, HEY, YOU LISTEN TO ME, ALL RIGHT ?" "YOU BE PROUD OF YOU WHO ARE." "YOU'RE A BAD, BOLD, BIG-NOSED BIBLICAL BROTHER." "YOU FEELING ME ?" "YEAH." "ALL RIGHT." "AVENU SHALOM ALEICHEM, LITTLE BROTHER." "THANKS, HAMMER." "OH, AND SHLOMO, STAY JEWISH." "HAPPY HANUKKAH, TIKVA." "HAPPY HANUKKAH, MORDY." "WHAT'S SHAKING, YENTA ?" "WELL, FOR STARTERS, YOUR MOTHER CALLED." "SHE SAID TO REMIND YOU YOU'RE HAVING SHABBAT DINNER" "BY HER TOMORROW." "AND TO REMIND YOU TO BRING THEMANISCHEWITZ." "AND SHE WANTED ME TO RELATE THE FOLLOWING INFORMATION TO YOU." "AND WHAT'S THE INFO ?" "SHE SAID TO REMIND YOU YOU'RE HAVING SHABBAT DINNER" "BY HER TOMORROW," "AND TO REMIND YOU TO BRING THEMANISCHEWITZ." "KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK." "I'LL BE IN MY OFFICE." "I WANNA START BY THANKING ALL OF YOU" "FOR PULLING YOURSELVES AWAY FROM THE WORKSHOP" "TO MAKE THIS EMERGENCY MEETING." "I KNOW THIS IS THE BUSIEST TIME OF THE YEAR FOR ALL OF YOU," "SO I WILL TRY AND BE BRIEF." "MY FATHER, OFTEN REFERRED TO AS ST." "NICK THE NASTY," "WAS A TYRANNICAL MAN." "HE WAS OBSESSED WITH MAKING CHRISTMAS THE ONLY HOLIDAY" "THAT ANYONE COULD CELEBRATE BEFORE THE NEW YEAR." "SINCE HIS DEATH, I'VE PRIDED MYSELF" "ON ENSURING THAT THE CHRISTMAS SEASON IS ONE OF TOLERANCE" "AND UNDERSTANDING BETWEEN ALL RACES AND RELIGIONS." "( coughs ) BULLSHIT." "LIGHTS, PLEASE." "CHRIST..." "OVER THE COURSE OF MY CAREER AS SANTA CLAUS," "I'VE MADE IT MY MISSION TO ENSURE THAT JEWS," "CHRISTIANS, AND AFRICAN-AMERICANS" "COULD ALL OBSERVE THEIR HOLIDAYS IN HARMONY." "I WAS THE ONE WHO" "( snorting )" "I SAID, I WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR PUSHING" "THE "HAPPY HOLIDAYS" ORDINANCE." "YEAH, PUSH THIS." "IN WHICH ALL "MERRY CHRISTMAS" SIGNAGE" "WAS REPLACED BY THE TRANS-RELIGIOUS" "AND INOFFENSIVE PHRASE, "HAPPY HOLIDAYS."" "THAT'S SANTA'S "YULE LOG"." "WHICH IS WHY, UPON EXAMINATION OF MY ANNUAL" ""NAUGHTY AND NICE" LIST," "IT SHOCKED ME TO DISCOVER THAT MY OWN SON, DAMIEN," "THE HEIR TO THE RED SUIT, COULD BE SO FILLED WITH HATE." "DAMIEN, WHEN I LEARNED OF YOUR LUDICROUS SCHEME" "TO WIPE OUT HANUKKAH," "MY FIRST REACTION WAS ONE OF DISGUST." "NOW I'M ONLY FILLED WITH SADNESS AND DISAPPOINTMENT." "DISAPPOINTED THAT I FAILED TO TEACH YOU" "THE TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS." "DAMIEN, WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF ?" "OH, FUCK IT." "HO, HO, HO." "ET TU,BLITZEN ?" "OUCH." "THERE WE GO." "WHAT ?" "WHAT ARE YOU LITTLE FUCKING MIDGETS LOOKING AT ?" "!" "I'M SANTA NOW !" "SO GET BACK TO WORK, YOU LITTLE BITCHES." "WE HAVE A LITTLE SOMETHING CALLED CHANUKAH TO DESTROY." "UP !" "GENTLEMEN ?" "( man ) I'M A DENIGRATOR ?" "YOU'RE A DENIGRATOR." "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE DENIGRATION." "GENTLEMEN, PLEASE." "SHECHET, L'VACHA SHAH !" "SHECHET, L'VACHA SHAH !" "TIME TO MAKE A PLAN OF ACTION." "WE PREDICT THAT THE ST." "NICK'S DAY MASSACRE" "WILL SET BACK HANUKKAH-CHRISTMAS RELATIONS 100 YEARS." "WITH THIS NEW MESHUGGENEH SANTA CLAUS IN POWER," "HANUKKAH ITSELF IS IN JEOPARDY." "THE FIRST ORDER OF BUSINESS IS TO PUT INTO MOTION A PLAN" "TO CREATE GOODWILL FOR THE ENTIRE JEWISH COMMUNITY." "MR. CHAIRMAN OF THE WORLDWIDE JEWISH MEDIA CONSPIRACY." "YES, CHIEF." "WE NEED YOUR GUYS TO CRANK OUT A COUPLE MORE" "OF THOSE AWARD-WINNING HOLOCAUST DOCUMENTARIES" "AND MAYBE A NEW ADAM SANDLER MOVIE." "NOT ANOTHER ADAM SANDLER MOVIE !" "WHAT'S WRONG WITH ADAM SANDLER MOVIES ?" "YOU'RE TRYING TO CREATE SOME GOODWILL HERE..." "I JUST THINK" "FRANKLY, I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK !" "I THINK YOU'RE A PUTZ !" "DON'T DENIGRATE ME, I'M AGAINST THAT !" "FOCUS, PEOPLE !" "SECOND ORDER OF BUSINESS." "WE HAVE TO PUT INTO PLACE AN AGENT" "TO TRACK THIS SANTA CLAUS'S EVERY MOVE." "I MEAN, A MAN WHO IS NOT AFRAID TO STEP IN" "AND USE FORCE WHEN IT'S NECESSARY !" "WE NEED A TOUGH JEW FOR THIS ONE." "YOU GOT SUGGESTIONS, PEOPLE ?" "WHAT ABOUT STEVEN SPIELBERG ?" "HE MADEE.T., HOW TOUGH IS THAT ?" "WHAT ABOUT ITZHAK PERLMAN ?" "HE'S IN A WHEELCHAIR, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD." "ALAN GREENSPAN." "HENRY KISSINGER." "TOO OLD." "ED KOCH !" "ED KOCH, MR. FANCY MAYOR." ""HOW AM I DOING ?" WHERE IS HE ?" "ROBERT SHAPIRO." "HE'S A LAWYER." "WE'RE LOOKING FOR HEROES HERE, PEOPLE !" "DAVID COPPERFIELD." "WHAT'S HE GONNA DO, SCHMENDRICK ?" "MAKE SANTA DISAPPEAR ?" "FOLKS, WE NEED A HARD-HITTING HEEB ON THIS ONE !" "COME ON, THINK, PEOPLE, THINK !" "WHAT ABOUT MORDECHAI JEFFERSON CARVER ?" "THE HEBREW HAMMER ?" "NO, NO !" "NEIN,NO, NEVER, NO !" "NOT AFTER THAT INCIDENT AT THE AIRPORT WITH THE HARE KRISHNA." "THIS IS THE ONLY JEW TOO RADICAL FOR THE J.J.L." "THERE'S A REASON WHY WE DRUMMED HIM OUT OF OUR RANKS," "SWEETHEART, NO, NO, NO." "WE NEED A MAN WHO CAN FOLLOW ORDERS." "WE NEED A MAN WITH SELF-CONTROL." "WE NEED A MAN" "WE NEED A MAN WHO CAN GET THE JOB DONE !" "DADDY, HE'S OUR ONLY HOPE, AND YOU KNOW IT." "THE ONLY PROBLEM IS THAT SINCE WE KICKED HIM OUT," "HE WON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH US." "THERE'S NO WAY TO PERSUADE HIM TO COME BACK." "PERHAPS I CAN PERSUADE HIM." "NICE PIECE OF TUCHAS !" "THAT IS MY DAUGHTER." "WHAT ?" "( Mordechai ) IT WAS THE DAY BEFORE HANUKKAH" "WHEN SHE STROLLED INTO MY OFFICE." "( knocking )" "COME IN." "MR. JEFFERSON CARVER ?" "UH, YEAH, PLEASE, CALL ME MORDECHAI." "AND SHUT THE DOOR, I'VE A TERRIBLE CLUSTER HEADACHE." "FROM THE WAY SHE CARRIED HERSELF," "I COULD TELL SHE HAD BEEN AROUND THE BLOCK A FEW TIMES." "SORRY I'M LATE, TRAFFIC WAS A PISHER," "AND I'VE BEEN SCHLEPPING AROUND THE BLOCK FOR 30 MINUTES LOOKING FOR PARKING." "OH, THE THINGS I WOULD DO TO HER IF SHE WASN'T A CLIENT." "THE THINGS I'D DO TO HER IF SHE WAS A CLIENT." "THE THINGS I'D DO TO HER IF I WASN'T SO..." "FLACCID." "I DON'T UNDERSTAND, THIS NEVER HAPPENS TO ME." "WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO ?" "It must be too much cream cheese..." "OH, CLIENT NOTES." "( woman moaning ) Fuck me, Hammer !" "( Mordechai ) Who's yourAbba?" "( commotion )" "( tape finally stops )" "SO WHAT CAN I DO YOU FOR ?" "MY NAME IS ESTHER." "CHIEF BLOOMENBERGENSTEINENTHAL FROM THE JEWISH JUSTICE LEAGUE" "DESPERATELY NEEDS TO SPEAK WITH YOU." "OH." "HOW IS OLD CHIEF BLOOMENBERGENSTEINENTHAL ?" "IS HE STILL SHTUPPING EVERYTHING THAT MOVES ?" "NO, HIS DAYS OF MARITAL INFIDELITY" "HAVE LONG SINCE PASSED." "NOW HE JUST SHTUPS MY MOTHER EXCLUSIVELY." "YOUR MOTHER ?" "YEAH." "OH, WHOOPS." "MORDECHAI, SANTA'S BEEN RUBBED OUT BY HIS EVIL SON, DAMIEN." "THIS MAN IS A DEMON." "THERE'S NO TELLING WHAT THIS ANTI-SEMITIC PSYCHO SANTA" "IS CAPABLE OF." "LOOK, I'M SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT SANTA." "HE WAS AN OLD FRIEND, BUT MY DAYS OF WORKING" "MR. HAMMER." "I'D LIKE TO HIRE YOU TO PUT A TAIL ON MY HUSBAND." "I THINK MY LIFE MAY BE IN DANGER." "I THINK HE WANTS..." "TO KILL ME." "YEAH, LOOK, SHIKSA, I THINK YOU'VE GOT THE WRONG GUY." "I'M THE HEBREW HAMMER, MIKE HAMMER'S DOWN THE HALL." "OH." "SO ESTHER, YOU SEEM LIKE A" "( door slamming )" "AS I WAS SAYING, YOU SEEM" "( door slamming )" "YOU SEEM LIKE A NICE GIRL, BUT I NO LONGER AFFILIATE MYSELF" "WITH THAT PARTICULAR ORGANIZATION OF POLITICS." "THEY WERE BRUTAL, AND BESIDES, I ALREADY GOT A FULL CASELOAD." "YEAH, THAT'S ALL DONE ELECTRONICALLY NOW." "WHY ARE YOU BEING SO DIFFICULT ?" "ALL MY FATHER WANTS IS TO JUST SPEAK WITH YOU." "LOOK, I HATE TO CUT YOU OFF..." "BUT IN AN HOUR, THE SUN GOES DOWN." "AND THEN IT'S OFFICIALLY THE SABBATH." "AND I DON'T WORK ON THE SABBATH." "I'M AFRAID THIS IS WHERE WE PART WAYS, BUBBELA." "I'M NOT LEAVING YOUR SIDE UNTIL YOU AGREE TO COME" "AND SPEAK WITH MY FATHER." "OKAY." "BUT I GOTTA WARN YOU, I'M HAVING DINNER AT" "MY MOTHER'S TONIGHT." "IF YOU THINK I'M DIFFICULT, WAIT 'TIL YOU MEET HER." "BEFORE WE LEAVE, THERE'S JUST ONE MORE THING." "THE SIGN ON YOUR DOOR SAYS THAT" "YOU'RE A CERTIFIED CIRCUMCISED DICK." "DO YOU MIND IF I ASK TO SEE YOUR CREDENTIALS ?" "MORDECHAI !" "MOM !" "SHABBAT SHALOM." "OKAY, I BROUGHT THEMANISCHEWITZ." "BLACK LABEL, LIKE YOU LIKE IT." "I CAN SEE." "YOU ALSO BROUGHT A NICE GIRL TO EAT BY US !" "HI, I'M" "BUBBE SHAYNA !" "OH..." "NICE TO MEET" " OH !" "AH, WOW !" "WHOA, UPSY DAISY." "OKAY, ALL RIGHT, MOM." "MOM ?" "ALL RIGHT, MOM !" "MOM." "THAT'S GOTTA BE JOSTLING." "SO..." "DO YOU HAVE A NAME ?" "ESTHER." "OH, FROM THE STORY OF PURIM." "SO NOW THAT WE'RE ACQUAINTED, LET'S GO SIT DOWN AND START" "THE SABBATH." "OY VEY,I'M STUFFED." "I COULDN'T EAT ANOTHER LATKE IF YOU PAID ME." "EVERYBODY READY FOR THE MAIN COURSE ?" "OH, MOM, MOM, PLEASE, SERIOUSLY." "WE'VE HAD FOUR KINDS OF CHICKEN ALREADY." "I THINK WE'VE HAD ENOUGH." "NONSENSE, YOUNG MAN." "YOU'LL EAT EVERYTHING THAT'S IN FRONT OF YOU." "AFTER ALL, THE PEOPLE ARE STARVING IN CHINA !" "AREN'T THEY, MONCHI ?" "AY." "NOT UNTIL MORDECHAI EATS EVERYTHING THAT'S" "IN FRONT OF HIM !" "( mumbling )" "SO..." "ESTHER." "HOW DID YOU AND MORDECHAI MEET ?" "YOU KNOW, THERE'S A REASON THEY CALL HIM THE HEBREW HAMMER." "HA, WOW..." "MOM, PLEASE." "SHE WORKS FOR THE J.J.L." "AND THEY TRIED TO GET HER TO RECRUIT ME TO SAVE HANUKKAH." "WHAT SHE DOESN'T SEEM TO REALIZE IS," "IS THAT NOBODY, NOT EVEN GOD HIMSELF," "WILL EVER GET ME TO WORK FOR THOSE PEOPLE EVER AGAIN." "BUT HANUKKAH IS IN DANGER" "NOT MY PROBLEM !" "EXCUSE ME, I'M GONNA USE THE BATHROOM." "YOU LIKE MY MORDECHAI, YES ?" "YES, HE'S VERY NICE, BUT MRS. CARVER," "THE FATE OF HANUKKAH LIES SOLELY" "HANUKKAH, SHMANUKKAH, IT ISN'T EVEN THE HIGH HOLIDAY." "I'M MORE CONCERNED WITH THE FACT" "THAT MY BOYCHICK IS ALMOST 30," "AND YET HE STILL HASN'T SETTLED DOWN WITH A NICE JEWISH GIRL." "I'LL MAKE A DEAL WITH YOU." "I'LL HELP YOU WITH YOUR LITTLE HANUKKAH PROBLEM," "IF YOU HELP ME WITH MY MORDECHAI." "WHAT WOULD YOU WANT ME TO DO ?" "GOD FORBID THE NICE JEWISH GIRL SHOULD COME" "AND EAT BY HIM EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE." "GET HIS MIND OFF HIS WORK." "MAYBE A LITTLE BLOWJOB HERE AND THERE ?" "( choking )" "UH, UH" "IS THAT SOMETHING YOU COULD DO FOR ME ?" "( Mordechai ) HEY, MOM, WHERE DO YOU KEEP THE PLUNGER ?" "IT'S UNDER THE SINK, NEXT TO MY TAMPONS !" "IS IT A DEAL ?" "WHAT ARE YOU TWO YENTAS YAKKING ABOUT ?" "I WAS JUST TELLING YOUR NICE FRIEND" "HOW I HAVE THE PROBLEM WITH THE GAS." "OH." "SO AFTER I STARTED TAKING TWO CHARCOAL PILLS BEFORE I ATE," "IT CLEARED THE WHOLE PROBLEM RIGHT UP." "AH, WELL, THAT'S GOOD TO KNOW." "I'LL HAVE TO TRY THAT WITH MY GAS." "MORDECHAI ?" "DO YOU LOVE YOUR MOTHER ?" "NO." "YES, OF COURSE." "YOU'RE MY MOTHER, OF COURSE I LOVE YOU." "THEN WHEN ARE YOU GONNA STOP WITH THISF'COCKTA" "CERTIFIED CIRCUMCISED DICK NONSENSE" "AND GET YOURSELF A REAL JOB ?" "I DO HAVE A REAL JOB !" "I HELP PEOPLE OUT, I DO GOOD THINGS FOR THE COMMUNITY." "I PLAY CARDS WITH THE GIRLS," "AND THEY ALL HAVE WHAT TO TALK WITH WITH THEIR SONS !" "THEY SHOW PICTURES !" "THEIR SONS ARE LAWYERS AND DOCTORS AND RABBIS !" "YES, WHY CAN'T I SHOW A PICTURE ?" "THEN DON'T SHOW A PICTURE !" "DON'T SHOW A PICTURE, DON'T SHOW THEM !" "MY FRIEND MAUREEN ?" "HER SON, THE INVESTMENT BANKER ?" "HE PAID FOR HER ENTIRE RETIREMENT IN BOCA RATON !" "OH, WHAT A MENSCH HE IS, WHAT A MENSCH HE IS !" "YES !" "WAS IT BOCA ?" "WAS IT IN BOCA RATON ?" "GO BACK TO BUSINESS SCHOOL AND GET YOUR M.B.A.," "SO MAYBE I CAN GO TO BOCA, TOO !" "OH, I'LL SEND YOU TO BOCA, I'LL SEND YOU RIGHT TO BOCA." "ALL RIGHT, SO I GET IT, I SEE WHAT'S GOING ON HERE." "BECAUSE MY SAVING HANUKKAH NOW" "IS SUDDENLY NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR MY MOTHER, IS THAT IT ?" "I DON'T WANNA ARGUE." "OH, YOU DON'T WANNA ARGUE, REALLY ?" "ARE YOU A PEACEFUL WOMAN ?" "I WANT TO EAT IN PEACE." "IS THAT WHAT YOU DO ?" "YOU SPREAD PEACE THROUGHOUT THE WORLD ?" "I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, WE'RE GONNA ARGUE." "WE'RE GONNA FINISH THIS, 'CAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT, MOM ?" "YOU KNOW WHAT, MOM ?" "I'M GONNA SAVE HANUKKAH, JUST TO SPITE YOU, ALL RIGHT ?" "AND NEXT YEAR, YOU KNOW, WHEN HANUKKAH ROLLS AROUND," "AND I'VE BEEN PLASTERED ALL OVER THE NEWSPAPERS" "AND TELEVISION SETS, AND LITTLE KIDS" "AND FASHIONISTAS ARE READINGPAGE SIXTO SEE WHAT" "THE HEBREW HAMMER'S WEARING," "HAMMER COUTURE, THAT'S WHAT THEY'RE WEARING !" "AND YOUR FRIENDS AND THEIR LITTLE KIDS ARE OPENING UP" "THEIR LITTLE PRESENTS AND LITTLE DREIDELS," "THEY'LL HAVE ME TO THANK FOR IT." "BUT YOU WON'T HAVE TO TELL THEM, YOU WON'T HAVE TO TELL THEM" "BECAUSE YOU WON'T WANNA SHOW THEM A PICTURE !" "YOU SEE HIM ?" "HE USED TO BE NORMAL !" "HE WAS NORMAL WHEN HE MOVED IN !" "NOW LOOK AT HIM !" "DO WHAT YOU MUST." "HE'S A GOOD BOY, MY SON." "( cat meowing )" "MAZEL TOV !" "OH, MAZEL TOV." "OH, MY MAZEL TOV." "OH, MAYBE WE HAVE TO CHANGE YOUR DIAPIE." "LET'S OPEN YOU UP, HERE WE GO." "AIR OUT YOUR TUCHAS, LET THE TUSHIE AIR OUT." "MOM, WHY DON'T YOU JUST PUT THE CAT OUT OF ITS MISERY, REALLY ?" "BECAUSE IT'S NOT GOD'S WAY !" "MAZEL TOV IS GONNA LEAD A FULL LIFE, JUST LIKE THE REST OF US." "AREN'T YOU, MAZEL TOV ?" "YES, WE'LL PUT YOU DOWN, WE'LL GET YOU ANOTHER DIAPER." "WATCH YOURKEPPE, THERE YOU GO." "SO..." "ANYBODY READY FOR DESSERT ?" "( doorbell )" "( woman's voice ) JEW CONFIRMATION TEST INITIATED." "OH, MAN, THEY'RE STILL DOING THIS ?" "PLEASE STATE YOUR FULL HEBREW NAME." "MORDECHAI BARUCH NETANYAHU." "PLEASE STATE THE SIX DISHES FOUND" "ON THE PASSOVER SEDER PLATE IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER." "BEITZAH, CHAROSET, CHAZERET, KARPAS, MAROR, ZEROA." "PLEASE DEMONSTRATE MUSICAL APTITUDE." "( plays "Hava Nagila" )" "PLEASE STEP FORWARD AND REMOVE YOUR UNDERGARMENTS." "OOH, THAT'S COLD." "( pop )" "CIRCUMCISION CONFIRMED." "FINAL TEST INITIATED." "HELLO ?" "I THINK THIS MACHINE'S BROKEN OR SOMETHING." "THIS IS RIDICULOUS, I DON'T EVEN WANNA BE HERE." "I DON'T UNDERSTAND." "I SCHLEP OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE," "FOR LORD KNOWS WHAT REASON, I'M SO UNHAPPY WITH THIS SITUATION." "IS IT SO DIFFICULT TO BE YOUR OWN MAN ?" "I CAN'T BREATHE." "WHAT THE FUCK IS ALL THIS SMOKE ?" "WHY ?" "WHY ?" "WHY, MORDECHAI ?" "... TESTING FACILITY." "( siren )" "WELCOME BACK, HAMMER." "COME ON, THERE'S MORE." "WE'VE EVEN RELAXED OUR AGE-OLD ADMISSION CRITERIA." "MORDECHAI JEFFERSON CARVER," "I WANT YOU TO MEET THE J.J.L.'S FIRST BLACK JEWISH AGENT." "A CLOSE PERSONAL FRIEND OF MINE, MR. SAMMY DAVIS JR., JR." "THE HEBREW HAMMER ?" "I'VE HEARD ABOUT THIS CAT." "YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL, BABE, KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON." "YES, YOU KEEP ON CONTINUING TO DO THE SAME." "SAMMY, GIVE US A MINUTE, WOULD YOU ?" "I GOT A NAIL I WANNA HIT WITH THIS PARTICULAR HAMMER." "YOU TWO CATS KEEP ON PURRING." "( purring and tap-dancing )" "I USED TO HAVE LEGS LIKE THAT ONE TIME." "ALL RIGHT, ENOUGH NICEY-NICEY." "I DON'T WANT ANOTHER REPEAT OF WHAT HAPPENED LAST YEAR" "AT THE AIRPORT." "HEY, LISTEN." "I GOT THE JOB DONE, I DID WHAT I HAD TO DO." "G-DASH-D DAMMIT, HAMMER !" "YOU THINK YOU'RE ABOVE THE TEN COMMANDMENTS ?" "I WANT YOU TO GET THAT SANTA CLAUS" "AND BRING HIM BACK HERE WITH NO FANCY SCHMANCY !" "HEY, LISTEN, IT'S YOUR BAR MITZVAH, JACK." "I'M JUST READING THE TORAH PORTION." "I'M GLAD YOU CAN BE SO NONCHALANT ABOUT THIS." "HEY, LISTEN, I CAN BE CHALANT ABOUT IT IF YOU LIKE." "THEN AGAIN, I'M NOT EVEN SO SURE THAT'S A WORD." "SO WE CAN SIT AROUND ALL DAY LONG AND ARGUE" "AND MAKE UP WORDS LIKE "CHALANT" AND "IRREGARDLESS"" "AND "CONTUSENVASEN"" "IF WE FEEL LIKE IT, BUT I GOT A CASE TO CRACK." "WHAT'S YOUR FIRST MOVE ?" "I'M GONNA CONTACT THE BROTHERS OVER AT THE K.L.F.," "SEE IF THEY GOT THE SKINNY ON SANTA'S LOCATION." "I'LL BE IN TOUCH." "BE CAREFUL, HAMMER." "REMEMBER !" "THE FATE OF HANUKKAH RESTS ON YOUR SHOULDERS." "OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT ?" "I'M SORRY, YOU GUYS ARE REALLY GONNA HAVE TO TAKE IT EASY" "WITH THAT STUFF, OKAY ?" "I MEAN, THAT'S A LOT OF PRESSURE FOR ONE JEW." "I MEAN, I'M SCHVITZING ABOUT THE WHOLE THING AS IT IS." "REALLY, I'M ONLY HUMAN, AND BELIEVE IT OR NOT," "I'M ENTITLED TO MAKE A MISTAKE HERE AND THERE, OKAY ?" "I MEAN, SO I'M GONNA DO THE BEST I CAN DO," "AND THAT'S JUST GONNA HAVE TO BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR ALL OF YOU." "OKAY ?" "IS IT HOT IN HERE, OR IS IT ME ?" "( woman ) I LOVE YOU, HAMMER !" "?" "TIME IS TRULY WASTING ?" "LEARN HOW TO DRIVE, SHIKSA." "?" "THERE'S NO GUARANTEE YEAH ?" "?" "SMILE IS IN THE MAKING ?" "JEWESS GOT BACK." "?" "YOU GOTTA FIGHT THE POWERS THAT BE ?" "?" "FIGHT IT ?" "?" "FIGHT THE POWER ?" "?" "FIGHT IT ?" "?" "FIGHT THE BURN BABY BURN YEAH... ?" "OH, SHIT !" "?" "ALL I WANT FOR KWANZAA IS WHITEY'S TWO FRONT TEETH ?" "( man ) WHO BRINGS IN THE DOPE ?" "( group ) THE WHITE MAN !" "WHO BRINGS IN THE GUNS ?" "THE WHITE MAN !" "WHO BROUGHT IN THAT DISCO ?" "THE WHITE MAN !" "AND WHO BRINGS IN THAT NASTY-ASSJHERI CURL?" "THE WHITE MAN !" "AND WHO TRIES TO PUT THEIR MOTHERFUCKING FOOT" "UP KWANZAA'S ASS ?" "THE WHITE MAN !" "THAT'S RIGHT." "WE HAVE OURSELVES A VISITOR." "WHO'S THE VISITOR, BROTHER ?" "YO, SOME PIMPED-OUT HEBREW DUDE IN A CADDY." "( cocking guns )" "THE HEBREW HAMMER, JEW BOY, MY MAIN MAN KIKE." "MOHAMMED ALI PAULA ABDUL RAHIM," "MY MAIN NIGGA." "WHASSUP, DOG ?" "YOU JUST CALLED HIM A KIKE." "AND YOU JUST CALLED HIM A NIGGER." "WELL, IT'S OKAY WHEN WE CALLS EACH OTHER THAT." "YEAH, THAT'S HOW WE DO IT." "YEAH." "OH." "SO, HEY, MY MAN MORDECHAI, WHAT BRINGS YOUR BAD ASS" "DOWN TO K.L.F., MAN ?" "J.J.L.'S GOT ME BACK ON THE JOB AGAIN." "YOU HEAR ABOUT THIS CRAZY-ASS WHITE BOY" "THAT TOOK OVER AS SANTA ?" "MOST DEFINITELY, MAN." "HE GOT THE BROTHERS ON FULL ALERT." "MM-HMM." "( bong water gurgling )" "WELL, YOU KNOW, YOU GOTS TO BE COOL UNDER PRESSURE." "TRUE DAT, TRUE DAT, SO WHAT'S THE WORD ON THE STREET ?" "HEY, MAN, WORD ON THE STREET, SANTA GOT A BRAND-NEW BAG." "IT'S VELVETY RED, AND IT DEFINITELY AIN'T GONNA BE" "NO OVERNIGHT EXPRESS TO JERUSALEM." "YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING ?" "NO, ACTUALLY, I DON'T, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN ?" "IT MEANS SANTA GONNA FUCK HANUKKAH'S SHIT UP." "OH, NO HE AIN'T," "NOT IF I HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT IT." "YOU GOT ANY INFO FOR ME ?" "NO, I DON'T." "BUT I THINK I KNOW SOMEBODY WHO DOES." "YEAH." "AND WHO BROUGHT IN BRITNEY SPEARS ?" "THE WHITE MAN !" "JAMAL, THIS HERE'S THE HEBREW HAMMER." "WHASSUP ?" "HELLO." "WHY DON'T YOU GO AHEAD AND TELL HIM WHAT YOU TOLD ME ?" "ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, COOL, YO, MAN, IT'S LIKE THIS." "THAT NIGGA SANTA CLAUS BE TRIPPIN'." "FIRST, THAT MOTHERFUCKER KILLS HIS OWN POPS," "THEN HE START TALKING ABOUT BUSTING A CAP UP" "IN HANUKKAH'S ASS." "NEXT THE RACIST MOTHERFUCKER THROWS ME OUT OF THE WORKSHOP," "TALKING ABOUT," "IT AIN'T NO ROOM FOR NO LITTLE COLORED ELVES LIKE ME." "CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT SHIT ?" "IF IT WASN'T FOR THE ARTHRITIS IN MY JOINTS," "YOU BEST BELIEVE I'D BE-- BLAM, BLAM, BLAM !" "BUSTING A CAP ALL UP IN THAT ASS, Y'KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING ?" "UH, YEAH, NO, NO, I DIG IT." "UH, LISTEN, IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE YOU CAN TELL ME ?" "HIS NEXT MOVE, HANGOUTS, ANYTHING LIKE THAT ?" "HMM, WELL, COME TO THINK OF IT, THERE IS ONE THING." "BEFORE I LEFT, I WAS PACKING UP MY SHIT," "AND I OVERHEARD THAT NIGGA" "TALKING TO SOME BUSINESS PARTNER OR SOMETHING," "SAYING THAT HE'D MEET HIM TOMORROW AT SOME JOINT CALLED" ""DUKE'S" AROUND 3:00, IF MY MEMORY SERVES." "BUT RIGHT NOW, MAN, THAT MOTHERFUCKIN' BOY" "IS STARTING TO KICK IN" "AND MY MEMORY AIN'T SERVING WORTH A FUCK !" "ANYWAY, WHEN HE GOT OFF THE PHONE AND JETTED," "I SCOPED THE ROOM FOR SOME JEWELRY AND CASH," "AND WHATEVER THE FUCK I COULD FIND." "I DIDN'T FIND ANY DUCKETS, BUT I DID MANAGE TO SNATCH THIS." "HMM." "ALL RIGHT, THANKS, LITTLE BROTHER, I APPRECIATE IT." "SHIT, FOOL, AIN'T NO THING." "IF IT WASN'T FOR MY REAL BROTHERS HERE AT THE K.L.F.," "I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I'D BE DOING." "I FINALLY FOUND SOMEPLACE WHERE I BELONG." "FUCK CHRISTMAS !" "I'M ALL ABOUT SMOKING BLUNT, AND OH, SHIT," "DO I LIKE TO GET FUCKED UP !" "OOH, AND PIMPING THE BITCHES, STAND UP, BABY." "GOD DAMN, LOOK AT THE ASS ON THEM." "MM, MM, MM, HEAVEN MUST BE TAKING A RECESS." "AND I BULLSHIT Y'ALL NOT, SIT DOWN, BABY." "I'M ALL ABOUT KWANZAA, NIGGA." "WELL, THANK YOU, BROTHER JAMAL, LADIES." "BROTHER JAMAL IS NEW." "IT'S GONNA BE A LONG TIME BEFORE HE..." "GETS THE TRUE MEANING OF KWANZAA." "I DIG IT." "THANKS AGAIN, MO, MAN, YOU ALWAYS DELIVER THE GOODS." "YOU WATCH YOUR BACK, HAMMER." "HANUKKAH MIGHT BE HIS FIRST MOVE," "BUT KWANZAA MIGHT BE NEXT, AND THERE'S A LOT OF BROTHERS" "AND SISTERS AND BABIES COUNTING ON YOU." "IF YOU FAIL, IF YOU FAIL" "OKAY, MO." "I'M GONNA WORK REALLY, REALLY HARD ON THIS ONE." "BUT IF YOU COULD JUST KINDA TAKE IT EASY WITH THE PRESSURE," "'CAUSE I'M KINDA TENSE ALREADY AS IT IS." "OH, COOL, COOL, COOL." "OKAY." "HEY,AVENU SHALOM ALEICHEM, MY BROTHER." "ALEICHEM SALAAM." "L'CHEM." "L'CHEM." "L'CHEM." "L'CHEM." "YEAH, L'CHEM." "L'CHEM... ( metal music blasting )" "( needle scratching )" "?" "Roll out those ?" "?" "Lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer ?" "?" "Those days of soda and pretzels and beer... ?" "LET ME GET AMANISCHEWITZ." "STRAIGHT UP." "YOU KNOW THAT SPITTING" "IS THE NUMBER-ONE CAUSE OF GERM TRANSMISSION" "IN THE CONTINENTAL UNITED STATES ?" "JUST AN F.Y.I." "WE USUALLY DON'T SERVE YOUR KIND." "BUT SINCE YOU HAD THE BALLS TO WALK IN HERE," "KIKE, I'LL POUR YOU ONE MORE DRINK." "BEFORE WE LYNCH YOU." "SOUNDS GOOD." "YOU KNOW WHAT ?" "LET ME GET THE BLACK LABEL." "( coughing )" "YOU GUYS TAKE SHEKELS ?" "I JUST GOT BACK FROM A TRIP TO ISRAEL." "ALL I GOT IS A FISTFUL OF SHEKELS." "5733, THAT WAS A PRETTY GOOD YEAR FOR ME." "SHABBAT SHALOM, MOTHERFUCKERS !" "?" "ROLL OUT THOSE ?" "?" "LAZY, HAZY, CRAZY DAYS OF SUMMER... ?" "GOD DAMN, BROTHER, YOU'RE KICKING ASS !" "JUST TAKING A PAGE OUT OF SWEETBACK'S BOOK." "MM-HMM." "THEY BLED YOUR MAMA, THEY BLED YOUR PAPA," "BUT THEY WON'T BLEED YOU." "THAT'S IT." "RIGHT ON, MAN." "NOW THAT THE HEBREW HAMMER IS OUT OF THE PICTURE," "CHANUKAH WILL BE NOTHING MORE" "THAN A CONFUSING AND HARD-TO-PRONOUNCE WORD." "JAMAL, I WANNA THANK YOU VERY MUCH" "FOR HELPING ME IN THIS SITUATION." "YOU'VE BEEN WONDERFUL, THANK YOU." "SHIT, NIGGA, AIN'T NO THING !" "HEY, YO, SANTA CLAUS." "SO DOES THIS MAKE ME AN OFFICIAL ELF NOW ?" "OKAY, CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS GUY, TINY TIM ?" "UN-FUCKING-REAL." "LOOK AROUND YOU, JAMAL." "DO YOU SEE ANY COLORED MIDGETS IN MY WORKSHOP AT ALL, ANY ?" "HUH ?" "THAT GUY'S GOT A NICE TAN, BUT HE'S NOT A COLORED MIDGET." "YOU UNDERSTAND ?" "YOUR PRESENCE WOULD BE A DISRUPTION TO" "THE UTOPIAN MODEL OF EFFICIENCY THAT I'VE CREATED" "FOR MYSELF IN MY WORKSHOP." "UTOPIAN MODEL OF EFFICIENCY, MY ASS." "EVER SINCE YOU TOOK CHARGE," "THIS PLACE IS NOTHING MORE THAN A SWEATSHOP." "SANTA, WE KNOW THE RULES." "YOU'RE IN VIOLATION OF UNION REGULATIONS." "WE'RE GOING ON STRIKE !" "OKAY, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA." "YOU KNOW WHAT ?" "YOU'RE RIGHT." "YOU'RE RIGHT." "REALLY ?" "YEAH, THIS IS A SWEATSHOP !" "AND SINCE YOU LITTLE GREEN FUCK-NUTS" "ARE UNWILLING TO DO THE WORK," "I'VE MADE ARRANGEMENTS TO HAVE SOME TAIWANESE CHILDREN" "SHIPPED IN, WHO, BY THE WAY," "ARE MORE THAN WILLING TO WORK FOR PEANUTS." "CHILDREN !" "( trying to whistle )" "CHILDREN !" "I GOTTA "WET" MY FUCKING WHISTLE." "( squealing )" "CHILDREN !" "STEP IN TIME, STEP IN TIME..." "HERE'S YOUR NUTS !" "GET IN LINE." "OKIE DOKIE, DR. JONES !" "MY NAME'S NOT DR. JONES !" "WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT, ESMERELDA ?" "YOU'RE LUCKY I DON'T PAY YOU IN LITTLE BAGS OF..." "MEXICAN JUMPING BEANS !" "GET BACK TO WORK !" "RANDOLPH, YOU'RE NOT SWEATING ENOUGH." "IT'S A SWEATSHOP." "SO WHAT'S OUR NEXT PLAN OF ATTACK, SANTA ?" "FOLLOW ME." "NOW, HERE'S THE PLAN." "WHILE I WAS IN TAIWAN," "NEGOTIATING THE WHOLE SOLUTION TO OUR LABOR PROBLEM, OKAY," "I RAN ACROSS A FACTORY" "SO I GO TO TAIWAN, AND" "NO, NO, YOU'RE NOT LISTENING." "PLEASE LISTEN, SHOULD I GET CRUTCHES FOR YOUR EARS ?" "NO." "WOULD THAT HELP ?" "NO, YOU'RE RIGHT." "OKAY, I RAN ACROSS A FACTORY THAT ILLEGALLY PRODUCES" "THE MOST ADDICTIVE JEWISH PRIDE-WEAKENING SUBSTANCE" "KNOWN TO MAN." "AND I BOUGHT THE ENTIRE FACTORY." "AND I BUY A SECOND FACTORY" "SHUT THE FUCK UP !" "NO !" "WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO," "YOU AND YOUR MEN ARE TO TARGET EVERY YOUNG PERSON" "IN EVERY JEWISH COMMUNITY ACROSS THE COUNTRY," "AND I WANT YOU TO FLOOD THE STREETS WITH THIS PRODUCT." "AND HOW MUCH SHOULD I CHARGE FOR SAID PRODUCT ?" "GOOD, NOW WE'RE ON THE SAME PAGE." "NOTHING." "THAT'S THE BEAUTY OF IT." "FREE SAMPLES, GIVE THE STUFF AWAY." "SO WHAT'S IN THE BOXES, HEROIN, COCAINE ?" "WORSE." "BOOTLEG COPIES OF FRANK CAPRA'S CLASSIC," "IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE." "NOW THAT'S SOME COLD SHIT !" "( laughing evilly )" "WHAT'S THAT ACCENT ?" "IT'S COCKNEY." "SCOTLAND ?" "COCKNEY." "COCKNEY, LIKE ENGLISH, BUT THE DOWNTRODDEN LOWER CLASS." "GOOD, KEEP IT UP, IT'S CREEPY." "?" "I'M YOUR MAMA I'M YOUR DADDY ?" "?" "I'M THAT NIGGA IN THE ALLEY ?" "?" "I'M YOUR DOCTOR WHEN YOU NEED ?" "?" "WANT SOME COKE HAVE SOME WEED ?" "?" "YOU KNOW ME I'M YOUR FRIEND ?" "?" "YOUR MAIN BOY THICK AND THIN ?" "?" "I'M YOUR PUSHER MAN ?" "?" "I'M YOUR PUSHER MAN ?" "( girl ) Mommy says that every time you hear the sound of a bell ringing, an angel gets his wings." "MACCABEE, IT'S TIME TO LIGHT THE MENORAH." "( man ) Well, that's right, sweetheart, as long as you're not Jewish." "MOM, DAD ?" "HOW COME YOU MADE ME JEWISH ?" "WHAT ?" "IT'S A HANUKKAH BUSH." "?" "..." "BAD MACHINE SUPER COOL, SUPER MEAN ?" "?" "FEELING GOOD FOR THE MAN SUPER FLY HERE I STAND ?" "?" "SECRET STASH HEAVY BREAD BADDEST BITCHES IN THE BED ?" "?" "I'M YOUR PUSHER MAN ?" "?" "I'M YOUR PUSHER MAN ?" "?" "SILENT NIGHT, HOLY NIGHT... ?" "SHIT !" "SHLOMO, YOU OKAY ?" "MOMMY SAYS THAT EVERY TIME YOU HEAR THE SOUND" "OF A BELL RINGING, AN ANGEL GETS HIS WINGS." "HUH ?" "MOMMY SAYS THAT EVERY TIME YOU HEAR THE SOUND" "OF A BELL RINGING, AN ANGEL GETS HIS WINGS." "BOOTLEGIT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE FROM TAIWAN." "65% PURE." "DAMN, PEOPLE CAN GET HURT WATCHING THIS SHIT." "COME ON." "THERE." "CHAIM POTOK'S THE CHOSEN?" "I WANT YOU TO GO HOME." "I WANT YOU TO WATCH THIS AS SOON AS POSSIBLE." "YOU UNDERSTAND ME ?" "( bell ringing )" "MOMMY SAYS" "LISTEN TO ME, YOU CAN BEAT THIS THING !" "YOU UNDERSTAND ME ?" "YOU CAN BEAT THIS !" "555-555... 5." "( phone ringing )" "BLOOMENBERGENSTEINENTHAL." "YEAH, LISTEN, CHIEF, IT'S ME." "I NEED YOU TO LISTEN CAREFULLY." "I NEED YOU TO CONTACT THE WORLDWIDE JEWISH" "MEDIA CONSPIRACY." "I NEED THEM TO MASS-PRODUCE EVERY HOLLYWOOD MOVIE EVER MADE" "FEATURING A POSITIVE JEWISH PROTAGONIST AS ITS LEAD." "YOU UNDERSTAND ?" "YOU WANT US TO MAKE COPIES OF YENTLANDFIDDLER ON THE ROOF" "AND CHAIM POTOK'S THE CHOSEN." "THAT'LL WORK." "AND GET THEM OUT TO THE JEWISH COMMUNITY, STAT." "WE'VE GOT AN EPIDEMIC ON OUR HANDS." "I'M ALL OVER THAT ONE, WHAT HAPPENED WITH SANTA ?" "IT WAS A TRAP, BACK TO SQUARE ONE." "You're gonna like this." "HE'S GONNA MAKE AN APPEARANCE AT THE MIDTOWNK-MART." "I'm gonna send Esther to meet you there." "OKAY, GOOD THINKING." "TELL YOU WHAT, WE'LL DISGUISE OURSELVES AS A GENTILE COUPLE, so as to pass undetected." "Now that Santa thinks I'm dead," "THIS SHOULD BE A PIECE OF HAMENTASHEN." "ONE MORE THING." "I WANT YOU TO REMEMBER THAT THE FATE OF HANUKKAH rests squarely on your shoulders." "The genetic coding of the entire Jewish people" "YEAH, YEAH, YEAH." "THE FATE OF HANUKKAH, THE FATE OF HANUKKAH, I'VE GOTTA GO." "CAN I BE NEXT, PLEASE, PLEASE ?" "LET'S GET A LOOK AT YOU, SHALL WE ?" "WOW, A POWER MUFF GIRLS TEE." "VERY NICE." "ALL RIGHT, NOW SPIN AROUND." "VERY NICE." "ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE COOL." "GO AND SEE SANTA, SUNSHINE." "( woman ) THAT'S FUCKING BULLSHIT !" "THAT'S NOT FAIR !" "WHY DOES SHE GET TO GO NEXT ?" "WE WERE HERE FIRST." "OH, REALLY ?" "IS THAT A FACT ?" "GUESS WHAT, KID ?" "YOU AIN'T GETTING IN TO SEE SANTA TODAY." "SO WHY DON'T YOU JUST TURN AROUND AND HIGHTAIL IT HOME ?" "BUT I'VE BEEN WAITING TO SEE SANTA ALL YEAR !" "( mocking ) "I'VE BEEN WAITING TO SEE SANTA ALL YEAR !"" "YOU HEARD ME, GET MOVING, PUNK !" "WHO THE FUCK IS THIS KID, IS HE KIDDING ME ?" "FUCKIN' MORON." "( Esther ) WHERE DO YOU THINK SANTA WOULD BE ?" "PROBABLY ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THEK-MART." "NOW LISTEN, YOU GOTTA RELAX, OKAY ?" "YOU GOTTA GIVE OFF THE APPEARANCE OF COOL," "UNDERCOVER." "THE KEY TO UNDERCOVER WORK IS TO BLEND IN." "YOU ACT AS A GENTILE WOULD." "RIGHT." "COULD I INTEREST YOU IN A FREE SAMPLE BACON CHEESEBURGER ?" "( gasping )" "OH, WELL, I THANK YOU, GENTILE FRIEND," "FOR YOUR GENEROUS OFFER" "OF THAT DELICIOUSLY UNKOSHER SNACK." "I SADLY HAVE TO DECLINE." "FOR I HAVE ALREADY STUFFED MYSELF" "FULL OF MILK AND MEAT PRODUCT AT A PREVIOUS LUNCH ENGAGEMENT." "YOU'RE GOOD." "( whistling )" "COULD I HAVE EVERYONE'S ATTENTION, PLEASE ?" "MUST BE BEHIND THAT CURTAIN." "IN 15 MINUTES, SANTA CLAUS WILL HAVE TO LEAVE." "( groaning )" "WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO ?" "WE'RE AT LEAST AN HOUR FROM THE FRONT." "COME ON, FOLLOW ME." "HEY, HEY, NOT SO FAST." "WELL, WE HAVE TO GET THROUGH." "IT'S AN EMERGENCY." "YOU HAVE TO GET BACK IN LINE WITH ALL THE OTHER PARENTS." "WELL, THAT'S NOT VERY CHRISTIAN OF YOU." "I QUOTE GALATIANS." "I BELIEVE IT WAS..." "HELVETICA." "HELVETICA ?" "16 COLON DASH," "WHEREIN GOD SPOKETH ABOUT THEE AND THE SUN SHINETH" "BOO-BOO ?" "UH..." "WE ARE SO SORRY TO HAVE TO CUT IN LINE," "BUT OUR BEAUTIFUL GENTILE BOY HAS RUN ON UP AHEAD" "OF US IN LINE !" "AND IT WOULD MEAN SO MUCH TO CHRISTIAN AND I" "IF YOU'D JUST LET US SCOOT ON THROUGH." "I WOULD HATE TO MISS THE OPPORTUNITY OF" "SEEING HIM BOUNCING UP AND DOWN ON SANTA'S LAP." "GOING UP AND DOWN." "AND UP AND DOWN AND UP AND DOWN." "UP AND DOWN..." "WELL, IF YOU PUT IT LIKE THAT..." "SURE." "GO AHEAD, GO RIGHT THROUGH." "THANK YOU SO MUCH !" "GOD BLESS YOU." "NOT BAD." "YES, NOW WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME" "WHAT THOSE NASTY JEWISH PEOPLE DO DURING CHANUKAH ?" "THEY WORSHIP THE DEVIL" "AND SACRIFICE SMALL GENTILE CHILDREN" "IN BIZARRE, SADISTIC RITUALS ?" "LIKE YOU." "GENTILE CHILDREN JUST LIKE YOU." "VERY BIZARRE AND VERY SADISTIC !" "SOMEONE'S GONNA GET EVERYTHING THEY WANT" "FOR CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR, NEXT !" "HURRY." "( laughs ) YEAH !" "NEXT !" "NO, NO, NO, I'M SORRY." "I DON'T, UH, I DON'T DO COUPLES." "SHUT UP." "COME WITH ME." "NOBODY GETS HURT." "I'M SORRY, DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU'RE TALKING TO ?" "YEAH, YOU'RE THE GOY WHO STOLE HANUKKAH." "THE HEBREW HAMMER !" "YOU'RE ALIVE." "WHAT'S YOUR SHPIEL, SANTA ?" "COME ON, IS THIS ANY WAY TO GREET AN OLD FAMILY FRIEND ?" "I THINK IT IS." "NO, IT REALLY ISN'T." "I THINK IT IS." "NO, IT'S NOT." "I THINK IT IS, I THINK IT IS, I THINK IT IS !" "YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS ?" "YOU'RE PISSED OFF." "AND THAT'S OKAY SOMETIMES, I GET PISSED OFF, TOO." "I ADMIT IT." "I WENT A LITTLE OVERBOARD WITH THE WHOLE CHANUKAH THING." "AND MAYBE I CAN MAKE IT UP TO YOU, HUH ?" "A LITTLE PEACE OFFERING." "GIRLS ?" "BAMBI, TAWNY, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET AN OLD FAMILY FRIEND." "THE WORLD-RENOWN SEMITIC SUPER STUD," "MORDECHAI JEFFERSON CARVER." "OH, GOSH, I LOVE JEWISH MEN." "THEY'RE SO WELL-READ AND SENSITIVE." "IT'S ACTUALLY FUNNY THAT YOU SHOULD SAY THAT." "YOU KNOW WHAT I WAS JUST REREADING," "IS THIS INCREDIBLE VIKTOR FRANKL BOOK ABOUT..." "WELL, HE'S THE FOUNDER OF LOGOTHERAPY," "AND WROTE ABOUT HOLOCAUST SURVIVORS" "AND THAT KIND OF THING." "IT'S INCREDIBLE 'CAUSE IT HAS AN INCREDIBLE AMOUNT," "I THINK, OF" "NO DICE, SANTA." "I LIKE MY WOMEN LIKE I LIKE MY MATZAH." "UNLEAVENED." "HEY, HURRY IT UP IN THERE." "BACK IT UP, BUDDY." "( gasping )" "PLEASE, HAMMER, DON'T HURT 'EM." "LET'S DO THIS NICE AND CLEAN, AND IT WON'T BE A SIN." "IT'S A LITTLE LATE FOR THAT, ISN'T IT ?" "EXCUSE ME, CHILDREN." "CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION FOR A REAL QUICK MOMENT ?" "WHAT ARE YOU DOING ?" "CALMING THE KIDDIES, CAN I DO THAT ?" "THEY'RE VERY UPSET, LOOK AT THEM." "CALM THEM !" "OKAY, DON'T BE WORRIED ABOUT SANTA." "I'M FINE, I'M JUST HAVING A NICE, ADULT CONVERSATION" "WITH MY JEWISH FRIEND." "REMEMBER WHAT I TAUGHT YOU ABOUT THE JEWS." "THE HEBREW HAMMER." "HOW'S IT HANGING ?" "GUESS WHAT HE TOLD ME." "THAT HE PLANS ON PERSONALLY CANCELING CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR." "BOO !" "NOT SO GOOD, NOT SO NICE." "HE'S NOT A VERY NICE GUY." "YOU'RE AN EVIL, EVIL MAN !" "LET'S REALLY SHOW HIM HOW THAT MAKES US FEEL, KIDS !" "SCREW YOU, JEW !" "FUCK YOU, HAMMER !" "( woman on P.A. ) AttentionK-martshoppers, there are Jews in aisle 12." "( screaming )" "( coughing )" "NO, NO, NO !" "OH, GOD, IT'S OVER, WE'RE DOOMED." "WAIT !" "DO YOU HEAR THAT ?" "WHAT IS THAT ?" "DO YOU HEAR IT ?" "WHAT IS THAT ?" "( woman ) PSST, MORDECHAI, ESTHER, COME, COME QUICK !" "COME ON, LET'S GET HIM !" "COME ON." "( holiday music )" "YOU SAVED OUR LIVES, THANK YOU, WHO ARE YOU ?" "HOW DO WE REPAY YOU ?" "SHAH !" "MY NAME IS HARRIET TUBELMAN." "BUT YOU, YOU COULD CALL ME MOSES." "MOSES." "AND THE ONLY PAYMENT I ASK, MORDECHAI, PLEASE." "KEEP HANUKKAH SAFE FOR ALL OF US." "MOSES, WHERE ARE WE ?" "WHAT IS THIS PLACE ?" "WELCOME TO THE UNDERGROUND JEWISH RAILROAD." "( man ) Shalom and thank you for riding the Underground Jewish Railroad." "Remember to keep your arms and legs inside the car at all times." "Flash photography is strictly prohibited." "Fourscore and 5,734 years ago, our people came unto this earth." "And ever since then, the gentile has tried to keep our brothers and sisters down." "Moses says:" "?" "Let my people go... ?" "Move that rock, Jew !" "Move that rock, Jew !" "To the showers with you, Vyun." "To the showers with you, Vyun." "Your credit card is declined." "Oy !" "Your credit card is declined." "Oy !" "Your credit card is declined." "( screaming )" "( loud music )" "THAT GOT ANNOYING FAIRLY QUICKLY." "YEAH, NO KIDDING." "HEY, YOU FEEL LIKE A DRINK ?" "SURE, WHY NOT ?" "?" "OH YEAH ?" "?" "MR. BIG STUFF ?" "?" "WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE ?" "?" "MR. BIG STUFF ?" "?" "YOU'RE NEVER GONNA GET MY LOVE ?" "?" "NOT BECAUSE YOU WEAR ALL THOSE FANCY CLOTHES ?" "BE CAREFUL !" "?" "AND HAVE A BIG FINE CAR OH YES YOU DO NOW-- ?" "OH, MY GOD." "OH, GOD, MY GOD, I'M SORRY !" "I'M SORRY, I'M SO SORRY." "NO, I'M SORRY." "I'M BETTER WITH MEN." "MORDECHAI ?" "YES, ESTHER ?" "WELL, MAYBE WE SHOULD TRY A DIFFERENT KIND OF DANCING." "OH, YOU MEAN, LIKE THE HORA OR THE FUNKY CHICKEN ?" "NO..." "OH..." "NOW YOU'RE TALKING, BUBBELA." "MORDECHAI ?" "YES, ESTHER ?" "I WANT YOU TO TALK DIRTY TO ME." "YOU WANT ME TO TALK DIRTY TO YOU ?" "YEAH." "YOU WANT I SHOULD TALK DIRTY TO YOU ?" "YEAH." "YOU WANT I SHOULD TALK DIRTY, YEAH ?" "OKAY." "I WANNA HAVE LOTS OF CHILDREN BY YOU." "I WANNA GET A GOOD-PAYING, STABLE JOB." "YEAH..." "MOVE TO LONG ISLAND SOMEWHERE, SOMEPLACE NICE." "FANCY, BUT NOT FANCY SCHMANCY." "NO." "I WANT FOR OUR CHILDREN TO GO TO PRIVATE SCHOOLS." "YES." "AND TAKE MUSIC LESSONS." "LITTLE ABRAHAM WILL GO TO STANFORD." "BOCHI WILL GO TO IVY LEAGUE, MAYBE VASSAR." "YES, KEEP GOING, KEEP GOING !" "AND AFTERWARDS," "THEY'LL DECIDE FOR THEMSELVES WHETHER OR NOT THEY WANNA" "CONTINUE THEIR RELIGIOUS STUDIES IN ISRAEL," "BECAUSE AFTER ALL," "WE WILL HAVE PRACTICED THE HIGHLY EFFECTIVE" "ASSERTIVE DEMOCRATIC STYLE OF CHILD REARING," "SPRINKLED WITH A HEALTHY DOSE OF LIBERALISM." "OH, GOD, KEEP GOING, KEEP GOING !" "AND ON A DAILY BASIS" "YES ?" "I WANT YOU TO TELL ME WHAT TO DO." "YES !" "WHERE TO DO IT." "YES !" "AND HOW I SHOULD LIVE MY FUCKING LIFE." "OH, KISS ME, YOU SEMITIC STALLION !" "OOH..." "I THINK I FEEL SOMETHING POKING AROUND DOWN THERE." "OH, I'M SORRY." "WAS IT THIS ?" "NO." "MAYBE I SHOULD INVESTIGATE." "WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT," "MR. CERTIFIED CIRCUMCISED DICK ?" "I THINK ABOUT IT." "A LOT." "THAT'S GOOD..." "SHABBAT SHALOM." "?" "LET'S GET IT ON ?" "?" "LET'S GET IT ON ?" "?" "YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT ?" "?" "COME ON BABY ?" "?" "HEY HEY ?" "?" "LET YOUR LOVE COME OUT ?" "?" "IF YOU BELIEVE IN LOVE LET'S GET IT ON ?" "?" "OOH LET'S GET IT ON BABY... ?" "THAT WAS AMAZING." "YEAH, IT WAS PRETTY GOOD." "?" "COME LIGHT MY MENORAH ?" "?" "BRING YOUR BURNING OIL WITH YOU-- ?" "OKAY." "OKAY." "WHAT ARE YOU SNORTING ?" "OH, IT'S ANTIHISTAMINE FOR MY ALLERGIES." "THE CAPSULES MAKE ME GASSY." "WANT A BUMP ?" "NO, I'M COOL." "SUIT YOURSELF." "OKAY." "SO I'M THINKING," "THE KEY TO GETTING INSIDE SANTA'S HEAD" "AND FIGURING OUT WHAT HIS NEXT MOVE" "IS TO FIGURE OUT EXACTLY WHAT HE WOULD SAY TO ME" "IF HE WAS TELLING ME WHERE HE WAS, RIGHT ?" "OKAY, ALL RIGHT." "I GOT IT." "IT'S A LITTLE ROLE-PLAYING, RIGHT, OKAY, SO" "HEY, MORDECHAI, YOU SUPER SEMITIC STUD." "IT'S SANTA." "I WAS WONDERING IF YOU COULD PICK ME UP A VITAMIN WATER" "AND SEND IT TO..." "DOT, DOT, DOT, RIGHT ?" "BUT, YOU SEE, ALL I HAVE IS DOTS..." "WIGGER !" "YOUR MOTHER WAS RIGHT." "YOU DO THINK ABOUT WORK TOO MUCH." "WHAT ELSE DOES YENTA DEAREST HAVE TO SAY FOR HERSELF ?" "WELL, SHE SAID THAT YOU NEED TO FIND A NICE JEWISH GIRL" "TO SETTLE DOWN WITH AND TAKE YOUR MIND OFF WORK." "I'M JUST GLAD SHE THOUGHT I WAS GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU." "REALLY ?" "AND WHEN EXACTLY DID YOU HAVE THIS CONVERSATION ?" "IN THE 35 SECONDS I WAS IN THE BATHROOM ?" "RELAX, MORDY, I THINK YOUR MOM'S WONDERFUL." "SHE CARES SO MUCH ABOUT YOU." "LISTEN TO THIS." "WHILE YOU WERE GONE," "SHE SAID THAT SHE WOULD HELP ME GET YOU TO WORK WITH J.J.L." "IF I WOULD JUST EAT BY YOU ONCE IN A WHILE." "LIKE I NEEDED ANY INCENTIVE." "WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, HOLD ON A SECOND." "YOU MADE A DEAL WITH MY MOTHER TO SLEEP WITH ME" "IF I'D HELP YOU ?" "NO !" "NO, NO, NO." "NO." "OH, MY GOD, OH, MY GOD." "WHAT DOES THAT MAKE ME ?" "WHAT DOES THAT MAKE YOU ?" "WHAT DOES THAT MAKE MY MOTHER ?" "OH, MY GOD, SHE'S MY PIMP !" "MY MOTHER'S MY PIMP," "AND SHE'S WHORING HER BITCH SON OUT TO THE HIGHEST BIDDER !" "I MEAN, YOU KNOW, I AM SO SICK AND TIRED OF BEING OBJECTIFIED." "I'M NOT A PIECE OF MEAT." "YOU KNOW, I CAN'T HELP IT THAT I LOOK LIKE THIS." "RELAX, MORDY, IT'S NOT LIKE THAT." "YOU'RE BEING COMPLETELY NEUROTIC RIGHT NOW." "OH, I'M BEING NEUROTIC ?" "YEAH." "I'M BEING NEUROTIC ?" "YEAH." "I'M BEING NEUROTIC." "THAT'S WHAT I JUST SAID." "YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT YOU WERE DIFFERENT." "I THOUGHT WE HAD SOMETHING SPECIAL HERE." "WE DO !" "WE DO, YEAH, YOU KNOW WHAT ?" "I'M SORRY." "I DON'T THINK WE CAN BE LINKED ROMANTICALLY ANY LONGER." "( phone ringing )" "HAMMER HERE." "IT'S THE CHIEF." "WE'VE GOT A SITUATION HERE." "I WANT YOU TO GET OVER HERE RIGHT AWAY." "I GOT SOMETHING I WANNA SHOW YOU." "OKAY, WHOEVER THIS IS, CAN YOU PLEASE SPIT OUT THE HARD CANDY," "REPEAT YOURSELF CLEARLY." "( spitting )" "WE GOT A SITUATION HERE." "I WANT YOU TO GET OVER HERE RIGHT AWAY." "I GOT SOMETHING I WANT YOU TO SEE." "MORDY ?" "YOU PUT YOUR DISEASE IN ME." "MORDECHAI, THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE." "AN HOUR AGO," "WE RECEIVED THIS TRANSMISSION FROM THE PUTZ AT THE NORTH POLE." "And now, my Chanukah-loving friends," "I will reveal to you the true nature of my diabolical scheme." "The Jewish atomic clock, located in the outskirts of Jerusalem, keeper of the time for the Jewish calendar, powered by Judayim, an element so rare it exists only in the clock itself." "Once I extract the Judayim from the clock, the Jewish calendar will cease to exist, forever eradicating Chanukah." "In less than 24 hours, which, by your Jewish calendar, is approximately..." "Do you have a pen and paper ?" "Yeah." "What would that be ?" "24, and they go by the moon, right ?" "God, they're screwed up." "Carry the seven." "That would be four years and 3/4 a lunar site." "That doesn't sound right." "Whatever !" "In less than 24 Christian hours," "Chanukah will be no more than a fond memory." "Tiny Tim." "Merry Christmas, everybody, and God bless us, every one." "( laughing evilly )" "End transmission." "How do you feel ?" "Not good." "Why ?" "I felt like I stumbled." "You hit every point, you were evil." "I don't think I was evil." "I thought I was" "You're really doing fine." "I thought I was flaky." "Do you need to be held ?" "I guess I do." "Oww, God, watch it with the fucking cane, you gimpy invalid !" "Well, that hurts, thank you." "You know what hurts ?" "A cane to the face, that hurts." "Words hurt too, buddy, words hurt, too !" "Get out of here, get out of my face !" "I'm sleeping somewhere else tonight !" "Why is the red light-- what the fuck ?" "!" "Are you fucking filming me ?" "WOW." "HE'S NOT A STRAIGHT SANTA." "WELL, LOOKS LIKE I GOT A PLANE TO CATCH." "GO WITH HIM, SWEETHEART." "THIS IS TOO BIG FOR ONE PERSON." "NO WAY, IT'S TOO DANGEROUS." "AND BESIDES, MY DAYS OF HOOKING ARE OVER." "YOU'RE NOT MY BITCH, MORDECHAI." "YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE ME !" "IS THERE SOMETHING I MISSED ?" "IT'S A LONG STORY, CHIEF, A LONG, HARD STORY." "I'LL EXPLAIN IT WHEN I GET BACK FROM SAVING THE CLOCK." "ALONE." "HE'S AS CRAZY AS A CUT WORM." "FOLLOW HIM, HE'LL NEED THE HELP." "( speaking Hebrew )" "EXCUSE ME." "SHH !" "( woman on P.A. ) There's no mixing of meat and dairy in the terminal..." "Mohels must check their shmechel clippers..." "HI, DO YOU SPEAK ENGLISH ?" "YES, CHELLO." "CHELLO." "I'D LIKE TO RENT YOUR BIGGESTCADILLAC." "PREFERABLY LOWERED, WHITEWALL TIRES." "I'M SO SORRY, SIR." "BUT SOMEBODY JUST RENTED OUR LAST CHADILLAC." "WELL, WHAT ELSE DO YOU HAVE ?" "WELL, WE DO HAVE A CH" "THAT'S OKAY, WHATEVER IT IS, I'LL TAKE IT, THAT'S FINE." "THE JEWISH ATOMIC CLOCK." "I SPIT IN DISGUST." "( spitting )" "WHY WOULD YOU SPIT" "I DIDN'T MEAN TO, I'M SORRY." "IT'S RUNNING DOWN ME NECK." "WELL, I WAS SPITTING FOR DRAMATIC EFFECT." "MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T STAND RIGHT NEXT TO ME WITH YOUR CANE." "NOW LET'S GET TO IT, YOU TWERPY LITTLE HALF BITCHES !" "WAIT UP !" "SUCK THAT JEW JUICE !" "HUH ?" "( laughing evilly )" "PLEASE, DON'T DO THAT." "WHAT ?" "YOU HIT ME." "I DO THAT." "WELL, CAN'T I" "NO, YOU JUST LAUGH." "( giggling )" "NO, THE EVIL LAUGH." "PLEASE." "FORGET IT." "THE MOMENT'S OVER, YOU KILLED IT." "IT'S AS DEAD AS YOUR LEG." "LET'S DANCE THE HORA." "YOU'RE A HORA !" "( gunshots )" "GET HIM, BOYS !" "( gunshots )" "MORDECHAI, 10:00 !" "IT'S NOT EVEN 6:00." "NO, YOUR 10:00 !" "EWW." "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE ?" "MORDECHAI, I LOVE YOU." "I COULDN'T LET YOU DO IT ALONE." "I LOVE YOU, TOO." "I'M SORRY ABOUT MY POST-COITAL FREAK-OUT." "I GET A LITTLE SENSITIVE." "I FORGIVE YOU." "CHECK THE CLOCK, I'LL FINISH UP OVER THERE." "OKAY." "( woman ) Warning, sunset imminent, warning, sunset imminent..." "WHAT'S THE MATTER ?" "I DON'T KNOW." "I FEEL KIND OF TIRED." "WHAT'S GOING ON ?" "WHY DID HE STOP ?" "I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE HE RAN OUT OF AMMO." "REALLY ?" "WELL, GO CHECK IT OUT." "WELL ?" "HE'S JUST SORTA RESTING IN THE CORNER." "RESTING ?" "WHAT DAY IS IT ?" "IT'S THE 20" "NO, NOT THE DATE, THE DAY, DAY, DAY !" "IT'S FRIDAY." "FRIDAY, WHAT TIME IS IT ?" "I DON'T KNOW, AROUND SUNDOWN ?" "SUNDOWN." "OH, MY GOD, WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THIS BEFORE ?" "IT'S THE SABBATH !" "THE DAY OF REST FOR THOSE JEW PEOPLE !" "THEY CAN'T EVEN WIPE THEIR ASS," "LET ALONE SHOOT PEOPLE ON THE DAY OF REST !" "WE'VE GOT 'EM BEAT !" "RIGHT HERE." "NO, TOO SLOW." "LET'S DO THIS, COME ON !" "LET'S WAKE UP." "WELL, WELL, WELL." "IT LOOKS LIKE THE HEBREW HAMMER HAS A WEAKNESS AFTER ALL." "CONTINUE EXTRACTING THE JUDAYIM FROM THE CLOCK." "TINY TIM, I WANT YOU TO INTRODUCE THE HAMMER TO" "THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT." "YOU WANT ME TO GIVE HIM PRESENTS FROM ME HEART ?" "GIFT-WRAP THEM IN PRETTY BOWS AND RIBBONS ?" "ROAST CHESTNUTS ON AN OPEN FIRE ?" "THEN SCAMPER UPSTAIRS UNDER A LARGE QUILT," "WAITIN' UP ALL NIGHT FOR SANTY CLAUS TO COME AND" "WAIT A MINUTE, YOU'RE SANTY CLAUS !" "GIVE US A GIFT, SANTY, GIVE US A GIFT !" "NO, YOU NUMB-NUTTED, GIMPY LITTLE BITCH !" "I WANT YOU TO KILL HIM." "OH." "RIGHT, SORRY." "SANTY CLAUS IS GOING BACK UP TO THE NORTH POLE," "WHERE HE'S GONNA CELEBRATE HIS NEW VICTORY" "WITH HIS BRAND-NEW STOCKING STUFFER !" "( moaning )" "TAKE A LOOK, HAMMER." "THE CLOCK'S ALREADY BEGINNING TO POWER DOWN." "WHAT'S THE MATTER ?" "NO MORE SNAPPY ONE-LINERS ?" "( cocking guns )" "MERRY KWANZAA, NIGGA." "ARE YOU A SINGING GROUP ?" "MORDECHAI !" "YOU'RE BACK." "THE CLOCK ?" "STILL TICKING." "THANKS TO HELP FROM OUR BROTHERS AT THE K.L.F.," "HANUKKAH'S SAFE FOR NOW." "THANK GOD !" "WHY THE LONG FACE ?" "SIR, IT'S ESTHER, SANTA'S GOT HER." "MY ESTHER ?" "OH, MORDECHAI." "PLEASE, WILL YOU HELP ME ?" "I LOVE HER, SIR." "IF I DON'T HELP YOU, I CAN'T MAKE HER MY WIFE." "MOHAMMED ALI PAULA ABDUL RAHIM HAS AGREED TO GO WITH ME" "TO THE NORTH POLE ON A RESCUE MISSION." "THAT'S RIGHT, BABY." "ONE LOVE." "YOU ARE A MENSCH." "THANK YOU." "MORDECHAI." "BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY, YOU ARE TO BRING MY ESTHER BACK TO ME." "AND YOU ARE ALLOWED TO USE JUDAISM'S ULTIMATE WEAPON !" "SIR, NOT THE..." "I DON'T THINK THAT'LL BE NECESSARY." "MORDECHAI, THE FATE OF MY DAUGHTER RESTS SQUARELY" "ON YOUR SHOULDERS." "YES, SIR, I UNDERSTAND, I WON'T LET YOU DOWN." "( burping )" "LOOKS LIKE THE BACK DOOR'S GONNA BE OUR BEST BET." "LET'S MOVE." "BARUCH ATAH..." "I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL I'M SAYING." "WHAT THE HELL YOU DOING, MAN ?" "PRAYING TO GOD WE DON'T KILL OURSELVES GETTING" "OVER THIS WALL." "LET'S MOVE." "?" "TIME HAS COME TODAY ?" "?" "YOUNG HEARTS CAN GO THAT WAY ?" "?" "CAN'T PUT IT OFF ANOTHER DAY ?" "YOU KNOW, YOU'RE TIED IN, YOU DON'T HAVE TO HOLD ON." "OH, YEAH." "YEAH, I KNEW THAT." "ALL RIGHT, LISTEN, BEFORE WE GO IN," "MY RESEARCH HAS DETERMINED THAT SANTA'S COMPOUND IS WIRED" "WITH THE X.P.-2000 STEREOTYPE ALARM SYSTEM." "STEREOTYPE ALARM SYSTEM." "YEAH, CHECK IT OUT." "( beeping )" "OKAY, HOW DO WE GET AROUND IT ?" "OKAY, THE ALARM IS TRIGGERED, IF THE SYSTEM DETECTS ANY" "NON-WASP TENDENCIES WITHIN THE BUILDING." "FOR INSTANCE, IF YOU WERE TO DRIBBLE A BASKETBALL" "OR ENJOY A SLICE OF WATERMELON" "OR USE THE WORD "DAWG," THAT IS SPELLED WITH "AW,"" "NOT THE TYPICAL "O,"" "WITHIN THE CONFINES OF THE BUILDING," "THAT ALARM IS GONNA SOUND SIX WAYS TO SHABBOS, MAN." "LISTEN UP, CAT !" "JUST FOR THE RECORD, I DETEST THE TASTE OF WATERMELON," "AND I'M A HORRENDOUS BASKETBALL PLAYER." "CAN YOU DIG THAT SHIT ?" "I'M DIGGING IT." "YOU DIG IT ?" "I DIG IT." "ALL RIGHT, MEANS THE SYSTEM'S OUTDATED, IT SHOULD BE EASY." "LET'S MOVE." "( elf chattering )" "IT'S CLEAR, LET'S GO." "LET'S DO IT." "HEY, MO, DON'T YOU WANT THIS PENNY ?" "HAMMER, NO !" "( alarm sounding )" "( woman's voice ) JEWDAR ALERT, JEWDAR ALERT." "SHIT !" "LET'S MOVE." "FUCK." "TINY TIM." "I'LL GET HIS PUNK ASS, YOU GO FIND YOUR LADY." "YEAH." "TINY MOTHERFUCKIN' TIM." "DIDN'T I LET YOUR ASS GO LAST TIME ?" "YEAH." "WHY ?" "'CAUSE WE'RE BOTH SAGITTARIUS." "I TRIES NOT TO KILL NO SAG, BUT YOU FUCKED ME." "NOW I GOTS TO DO WHAT I SHOULDA DONE ALL ALONG !" "NO !" "YEAH." "NO !" "YEAH !" "ME CRUTCH !" "ME CRUTCH !" "COME BACK WITH ME CRUTCH !" "ME CRUTCH !" "FUCK." "OH, LOOK, A BOWL OF MATZAH BALL SOUP !" "MMM, YUMMY." "( Tim ) ME CRUTCH !" "( coughing )" "SORRY." "( screaming )" "HERE." "OH, THANK YOU." "I'LL TAKE THAT." "WHERE'S MY OLD LADY, AUNT SANTA ?" "I DON'T HAVE TO TELL YOU ANYTHING, HAMMER." "YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO KILL ME BEFORE I TELL YOU ANYTHING." "YEAH, BUT IF I KILL YOU, THEN YOU'LL BE DEAD." "GOOD POINT." "( Esther ) MORDECHAI, I'M IN HERE, HELP !" "DON'T WORRY YOUR PRETTY LITTLE HEAD ABOUT IT." "( gunshot )" "THAT WAS A WARNING SHOT." "MORDECHAI, HELP !" "THAT WAS A WARNING KICK !" "HA, HA !" "LOOKS LIKE THE TABLES HAVE TURNED, MORDECHAI." "NOW YOU'RE NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO SAY GOODBYE" "TO YOUR PRECIOUS LITTLE EDNA." "ESTHER." "HER NAME IS ESTHER." "WHATEVER !" "GOODBYE, MORDECHAI." "GIVE MY REGARDS TO MY FATHER." "OKAY, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, HOLD ON A SECOND, ALL RIGHT ?" "WHAT ?" "I DIDN'T WANNA HAVE TO DO THIS, BUT YOU LEAVE ME NO CHOICE." "I AM NOW GONNA RESORT" "TO THE MOST DANGEROUS, DEADLY WEAPON IN THE JEWISH ARSENAL." "WHAT, I SCHLEP ALL THE WAY UP HERE FOR THIS ?" "I MEAN, I COME ALL THE WAY TO THE NORTH POLE TO FIGHT YOU ?" "YOU DON'T PUT OUT ANYTHING TO NOSH ON ?" "YOU'RE HUNGRY ?" "I MEAN, WHAT KIND OF ARCH NEMESIS ARE YOU ?" "I'M SORRY..." "I WASN'T THINKING, I GUESS." "OH, NO, YOU DON'T !" "YOU'RE NOT GONNA PULL THAT JEWISH GUILT CRAP ON ME." "I'M A LOT STRONGER THAN THAT, MORDECHAI." "OKAY, FORGET IT, NEVER MIND." "NO, WHAT ?" "NO, NOTHING." "TELL ME, WHAT ?" "IT'S JUST, I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW WHAT KIND OF HOST IT IS" "THAT TREATS THEIR COMPANY THIS WAY." "I MEAN, ESTHER'S CLEARLY UNHAPPY" "WITH THE GUEST ROOM YOU PROVIDED HER WITH." "YOU KNOW, I'M SCHVITZING ALL OVER THE PLACE" "FROM RUNNING AROUND SHOOTING PEOPLE." "STOP THIS !" "WHAT KIND OF FLOORING IS THIS, ANYWAY ?" "MY FEET ARE KILLING ME." "STOP IT !" "( speaking quickly )" "NEVER MIND, YOU KNOW WHAT ?" "NEVER MIND..." "NO, PLEASE, STOP, JUST TAKE MY GUN." "NO." "TAKE THE GUN." "TAKE IT !" "FORGET IT !" "NO, I INSIST ON YOU TAKING THE GUN !" "REALLY ?" "JUST TAKE IT !" "I MEAN, IF IT'S A BIG DEAL..." "PLEASE, PUT A BULLET RIGHT HERE." "PUT A BULLET IN MY HEAD, TAKE ME OUTTA MY MISERY, PLEASE." "HAMMER !" "YOU COOL ?" "EVERYTHING'S KOSHER, MAN." "YOU GOT HIM ?" "YEAH, I GOT HIM." "OH, SHIT !" "HE PUT THAT JEWISH GUILT ON YOUR ASS, HUH ?" "MORDY !" "ESTHER." "YOU ALL RIGHT ?" "I'M OKAY, I THINK SO." "I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE I'M NOT OKAY." "THIS IS A SLIPKNOT." "YOU REALIZE YOU COULD HAVE UNDONE IT YOURSELF." "SHUT UP." "( man clearing throat )" "ED KOCH ?" "HOW AM I DOING ?" "HOW YOU DOING, YOU'RE TIED TO A CHAIR !" "MORDECHAI, THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE." "YOU TWO KNOW EACH OTHER ?" "SAME TEMPLE." "I GOTTA SPLIT, BYE, GUYS." "TAKE IT EASY, MAN." "HEY, YOU KNOW," "MAYBE YOU CAN TAKE CARE OF THOSE PARKING TICKETS FOR ME." "GOT HIM, MO." "I CAN'T EVEN STAND TO LOOK AT THE BACK OF HIS HEAD." "GET UP, SANTA PIMP !" "COME ON." "WAIT A MINUTE." "BEFORE YOU GO, I'M SORRY, I JUST NEED SOME CLOSURE HERE." "YOU KNOW WHERE YOU MESSED UP ?" "YOU NEVER REALLY UNDERSTOOD THE TRUE MEANING OF HANUKKAH." "OKAY, WHAT IS THE TRUE MEANING OF HANUKKAH ?" "( laughing )" "THAT'S A REALLY, REALLY GOOD QUESTION." "UMM..." "WELL, YOU KNOW, IT DEFINITELY HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH..." "DREIDELS." "OKAY, OKAY." "LATKES." "LATKES." "AND SOME KIND OF MIRACLE OIL THAT LASTED EIGHT DAYS," "AND THAT, MY FRIEND, SHOULD HAVE BEEN ENOUGH FOR YOU." "RIGHT ON." "LET'S GO, BITCH." "ME AND THE BOYS ABOUT TO KWANZIFY YOUR ASS." "ESTHER BLOOMENBERGENSTEINENTHAL," "WILL YOU MARRY ME ?" "( squealing )" "UH-OH." "WELL, IT WAS MY MOTHER'S." "AH !" "YES, I WOULD GLADLY GIVE UP MY LAST NAME TO BE YOUR WIFE." "YOU'VE MADE MY MOTHER AND ME VERY HAPPY." "( Mother ) SHABBAT SHALOM, EVERYBODY !" "( Mordechai ) AND MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL OUR GENTILE FRIENDS, MONCHI." "AND I'D LIKE TO TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY," "IF I MAY, TO RAISE A TOAST TOADOSHEM," "WHO HAS BLESSED ME SO MUCH OVER THE COURSE OF THIS LAST YEAR," "WITH A BEAUTIFUL FIANC?" "E AND A WONDERFUL MOTHER." "AND AN OPPORTUNITY TO HELP MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS" "IN THE JEWISH COMMUNITY." "SHALOM !" "SHALOM." "WELL, I'M JUST GLAD YOU'RE SAFE,BUBBE SHAYNA." "AND EATING BY YOUR MOTHER FOR SHABBOS." "BUT WITH ALL THE ATTENTION THE NEWSPAPERS AND TELEVISION" "HAS BEEN GIVING YOU, YOU'D THINK YOU WERE THE POPE OR SOMETHING." "WELL, MOM, I DID SAVE HANUKKAH." "I MEAN, LET'S BE HONEST, MORDECHAI." "IT ISN'T EVEN ONE OF THE HIGH HOLIDAYS." "NO, YOU'RE RIGHT." "NOW, IF YOU HAD SAVED YOM KIPPUR OR PASSOVER," "YOU MIGHT HAVE WHAT TO BRAG ABOUT." "MY FRIEND, MARIE, HER SON, THE INVESTMENT BANKER," "HE PUT TOGETHER A BIG MERGER." "YEAH." "HE'S A PEDOPHILE, DID YOU KNOW THAT ?" "HE GOES AROUND AND HE SHTUPS LITTLE BOYS IN THE PARK." "IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT FROM YOUR SON ?" "HEY !" "SORRY, SUDDENLY, IT'S NOT ENOUGH." "IT'S NOT ENOUGH THAT YOUR SON SAVES HANUKKAH ?" "YOU KNOW, I UNDERSTAND." "WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT ?" "IT IS GOOD ENOUGH." "AND I'M GOOD ENOUGH." "AND I'M NOT GONNA LEAVE HERE UNTIL YOU TELL ME" "MAZEL TOV !" "I'M GONNA BEAT HER WITH A FISH." "I'M GONNA BEAT HER WITH A BIG WHITEFISH." "DOES YOUR LITTLE TUSHIE NEED SOME AIRING OUT ?" "LET'S SEE." "WE'RE EATING !" "THERE YOU GO, BREATHE IT OUT." "WELL, I'M FINISHED." "YOU DID A GOOD POOP IN YOUR DIAPER !" "MAZEL TOV MADE A GOOD POOP IN THE DIAPER !" "SO SUDDENLY THE CAT TAKING A DUMP IN THE DIAPER" "IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR SON SAVING" "A JEWISH FUCKING HOLIDAY !" "FORGET IT !" "SO, WHAT ARE YOUR PLANS FOR AFTER THE WEDDING ?" "KILL YOU." "OWW !" "WELL, FOR STARTERS, WE'RE GONNA HONEYMOON FOR A WEEK IN BOCA." "AND THEN WHEN WE GET BACK," "MORDY'S BEEN TALKING ABOUT TAKING A STABLE," "GOOD-PAYING JOB AS A CONSULTANT FOR THE J.J.L., RIGHT ?" "I COULDN'T BE HAPPIER FOR THE BOTH OF YOU !" "I KNOW !" "THANK YOU, THANK YOU." "( sleigh bells )" "DO YOU HEAR WHAT I HEAR ?" "I THINK I HEAR THE NEW SANTA CLAUS BUSY AT WORK." "COME ON." "I FORGOT TO ASK YOU." "WHO DID THEY PUT IN CHARGE AS THE NEW SANTA CLAUS ?" "WELL, SINCE SANTA WILL BE LIVING OUT THE REST OF HIS DAYS" "AT A HOME FOR THE RELIGIONALLY INSANE," "AND BECAUSE HE HAS NO BLOOD HEIRS," "THE KWANZAA LIBERATION FRONT AND THE JEWISH JUSTICE LEAGUE" "HAS DECIDED TO MAKE THE WHOLE SANTA CLAUS PROCESS" "A DEMOCRATIC VOTE." "WE'RE ALL VERY PLEASED WITH OUR VERY FIRST SANTA CLAUS ELECT." "OH, LOOK." "THERE HE IS NOW." "MERRY CHRISTMAS, NIGGAS, AND A HAPPY JEW YEAR !" "Captioning made possible by COMEDY CENTRAL" "Captioned by Soundwriters™" "?" "TIME IS TRULY WASTING ?" "?" "THERE'S NO GUARANTEE YEAH ?" "?" "SMILE IS IN THE MAKING ?" "?" "YOU GOTTA FIGHT THE POWERS THAT BE ?" "?" "GOT SO MANY FORCES ?" "?" "STAYIN' ON THE SCENE YEAH ?" "?" "GIVIN' UP ALL AROUND ME ?" "?" "FACES FULL OF PAIN ?" "?" "I TRY TO PLAY MY MUSIC THEY SAY MY MUSIC'S TOO LOUD ?" "?" "I TRY TALKING ABOUT IT I GOT THE BIG RUNAROUND ?" "?" "AND WHEN I ROLL WITH THE PUNCHES ?" "?" "I GOT KNOCKED ON THE GROUND ?" "?" "WITH ALL THIS BULLSHIT GOING DOWN ?" "?" "TIME IS TRULY WASTING ?" "?" "THERE'S NO GUARANTEE YEAH ?" "?" "SMILE IS IN THE MAKING ?" "?" "WE GOTTA FIGHT THE POWERS THAT BE ?" "?" "I DON'T UNDERSTAND YEAH ?" "?" "PEOPLE WANNA SEE YEAH ?" "?" "THOSE THAT GOT THE ANSWERS ?" "?" "RED TAPE IN THE WAY ?" "?" "I COULD TAKE YOU IN EASY ?" "?" "THAT'S JUST HALF THE FUN NO NO ?" "?" "SEEKING MY SATISFACTION ?" "?" "KEEPS ME ON THE RUN ?" "?" "I TRY TO PLAY MY MUSIC THEY SAY MY MUSIC'S TOO LOUD ?" "?" "I TRY TALKING ABOUT IT I GOT THE BIG RUNAROUND ?" "?" "AND WHEN I ROLL WITH THE PUNCHES ?" "?" "I GOT KNOCKED ON THE GROUND... ?" "?" "WHO'S THE CERTIFIED CIRCUMCISED DICK ?" "?" "THAT'S A SEX MACHINE TO ALL THE CHICKS ?" "?" "HAMMER ?" "?" "AMEN ?" "?" "HE'S JUST TRYING TO DO SOME GOOD ?" "?" "HELPING BROTHERS IN THE CHOOD ?" "?" "HAMMER ?" "?" "RIGHT ON ?" "?" "WHO'S THE KIKE THAT WON'T COP OUT ?" "?" "WHEN THERE'S GENTILES ALL ABOUT ?" "?" "HAMMER ?" "?" "ALL RIGHT,BARUCH ATAH ADONAI ELOHENU MELECH HA'OLAM?" "?" "CAN YOU DIG IT ?" "?" "HE'S A COMPLICATED JEW ?" "?" "BUT NO ONE UNDERSTANDS HIM BUT HIS MOTHER ?" "?" "'CAUSE HE'S A BAD MOTHER-- ?" "?" "SHECHET L'VACHA SHAH?" "?" "COME LIGHT MY MENORAH ?" "?" "BRING YOUR BURNING OILS TO ME ?" "?" "COME LIGHT MY MENORAH ?" "?" "EIGHT DAYS AIN'T QUITE ENOUGH YOU'LL SEE ?" "?" "BUT THAT'S WHY ?" "?" "I WANT TO MAKE YOU MINE ?" "?" "COME DANCE YOUR HORA ?" "?" "COME LIGHT MY GOLDEN MENORAH ?" "?" "GOLDEN MENORAH ?" "?" "COME LIGHT MY MENORAH ?" "?" "HAS YOUR BUSH BEEN BURNING LATELY ?" "?" "COME ON OVER SPIN MY DREIDEL ?" "?" "JUST DON'T TRIM MY CHRISTMAS TREE... ?"