"Okay, here we go." "Keep going." "What do we got next?" "Vice president of sales-- $200,000 a year." "I can swing that one." "Circle it." "You don't know anything about sales." "It requires 20 years experience." "You are forgetting how charming I would be in the job interview." "Circle it." "Stop saying "circle it," 'cause there's nothing to circle." "Circle it." "Just circle it and move on." "All right, listen, you don't have experience to do any of the stuff that you highlighted." "Senior copywriter." "Fashion consultant." "Commercial airline pilot?" "Seriously?" "All right, it was a little bit of a stretch." "But to be fair, those planes are on autopilot a lot." " Honestly." " I gotta go." " What?" "Don't go." " You know what?" "I just don't know what happened to the song." "The producer said he liked the hook." "Why did we even hound that guy in the first place?" " Listen, it's great..." " Oh, I got to go." "But even if he likes it, it doesn't mean I'm gonna be making any money soon." "I need cash now, even if it means working one of these boring regular-person jobs." "As a point of reference, how much does Laurie pay you to watch the kids?" "Nothing, because they are my kids." "Seems like a raw deal." "All right." "I, uh..." "Oh, what sort of hippie voodoo is going on in Granola Town today?" "Isn't that lovely?" "Marcus is learning the maracas." "Okay, you know, I got so many questions, but I guess I'll just go with the usual." "Why?" "Quick, quick, slow." "Show me your hip action." "You like my hip action, Will?" "Oh, I can't answer that, Marcus, in front of people who could later testify." "Okay, Marcus, tomorrow we'll go over the 2:3 polyrhythm technique." "Isn't it wonderful?" "He's doing a musical number at his school fund-raiser." "So wonderful." "We all got to submit our favorite songs." "And mine is definitely gonna win, because mine is the only one without the A word, the B word, or the F word." "Thanks, Maureen." "Same time tomorrow." "Wait, you're paying her to teach him the maracas?" "For your information, sir, the maracas are a deceiving instrument to play." "Okay, no disrespect, but babies play them." "Yeah, no, you're thinking of a rattle." "And you're thinking that there's a difference." "Wait a minute here." "If people will pay some freak show to teach them to play the maracas, imagine what they'd pay to learn how to play a cool instrument, like the guitar." "Yeah, no offense, of course." "Sorry, Maureen." "Mm, all right." "Knock 'em dead, you handsome devil." "Wow, he is handsome." "Oh, uh, hi." "No, I was just" "Admiring a picture of yourself." "Yeah, yeah, I got that." " I'm Will." " Emma." " Nice to meet you." " You too." " So are--are you any good?" " Come again?" " The guitar." " Ah." "Are you any good?" "I'm looking for someone to teach my daughter." " Daughter?" " Mm-hmm." "Oh, cool." " Yeah, I'm good." " Great." "Does tonight work?" "Maybe... 5:30?" "That sounds really good." "Let me get you one of these." "Maybe get that laminated." "Right." "Will do." "I can't believe you have a middle schooler." "You look very--very young." "Thank you." "I do." "And if I didn't have a kid at this school, it'd be kind of weird if I was just hanging out." "Yeah, yeah." "No, that would be totally..." "totally weird." "D en strum E minor." "There you go!" "You learn those four chords, you can tour Europe." "Just ask Matchbox Twenty." "Cool." " I'm going to Grace's." " Okay." " Thanks, Mr. Will." " You got it." " Bye, honey." " Bye." ""Mr. Will." That's pretty cute." "You're really great with her." "I'm glad the divorce didn't leave her hating all men." "Divorce?" "I'm sorry to hear that." "Please, don't be." "I caught Tessa's dad with our housekeeper." "Ooh." "I got the house, the Bimmer, and half of everything." " And he got scabies." " Yikes." "You know, um..." "Would you like to have a glass of wine?" "It's expensive." "That was good." " Hey." " Hi." " Hello, Joanne..." " Hey." " Julia, Rachel." " Hi." "It's Fiona, um, in case you forgot." "We know your name." "Do you?" "'Cause I'm never quite sure." "And we certainly know this wonderful man you're with." "Mr. Chris, you are a dream for agreeing to emcee our fund-raiser." "Oh, it's my pleasure, honestly." "No, you have no idea how grateful we are." " No idea." " Just so" "Yeah, yeah, no, he knows, he knows, he knows." "Thank you." "Thanks, thanks." "Well, speaking of the fund-raiser, we're getting together for a planning meeting tonight." "We'd love for you to join us, Fiona." "Me?" "Are you" "With you?" "Uh, really?" "Actually, I have quite a lot on my figurative plate." "And I-I-I-- No." "Thanks." "No." "Maybe some other time." "What just happened to you?" " What?" " What?" "I think I handled that splendidly." "Yeah, I think that as soon as those moms showed up, you turned into somebody totally different-- guarded and suspicious." "No, no, no, no." "They are gossipy mean girls." "That's what they are." "They are exactly the kind of women that tormented me in middle school." "And they're only being nice to me because I am dating the hot teacher." "Calling me "the hot teacher"" "makes me feel like a piece of meat." "And I really like it." "You have to understand that there are two types of girls." "There are the girls who judge and the girls who are judged." "Any mistake, any flaw gets put under the mean-girl microscope." "I can't imagine you having any flaw." "Yeah, well, I was 5'10" when I was 13." "Statuesque." "And I had very thick glasses..." "Intelligent." "And a bulky back brace." "This is getting harder." "Listen, you're not in middle school anymore." "Go to that meeting tonight and show them the Fiona you are today." "Maybe if you embrace some of their ideas, they'll embrace yours, giving birth to a wonderful new friendship." "Come here." "Mm." "Hmm." "Yeah, you still do have a little curve there, don't you?" " Yeah, it's my bump." " I love your bump." "You know, if this guitar-lesson thing doesn't work out," "I know something else you're pretty good at." "You think?" "Yeah, well, you're not so bad yourself." "For Tessa's lesson." "You think you can do it again tomorrow?" "Oh, uh, yeah, sure." "Tomorrow works, but this is a lot of" " Great." " All right." " I'll see you then." " Okay." "Ooh!" "She gave you this much money for giving her kid a guitar lesson." "Does she not understand how the system of American currency works?" "I guess she--I don't know-- thinks I'm worth it." "After all, I am a celebrity recording artist." "It doesn't make any sense." "What's going on with your hair?" "Huh?" "You have sex hair." "And you're drinking a postcoital restorative beverage." "You had sex with that woman." " This is payment for sex." " What?" "You are a male prostitute." "Whoa!" "What's wrong with you?" "Give me that." " Look, okay, yes." " Uh-huh." "I did have sex with her, but that is not what I was paid for." " Mm-mm." " It's unbelievable." "You get to have sex with any woman that you want, and now you're gonna get paid for it." "Again, I was not paid for sex." "By the way, that's low for a ho." "I was not paid for sex, okay?" " Can we just drop it?" " Prove it." "Go back and give the kid a guitar lesson." "Do not have sex with the mother." "If she pays you the same amount, then I apologize." "I stand corrected." "Okay." "I won't have sex with her." "Good." "I hope you appreciate the things I do for you." "Fiona, that necklace is so striking." "I don't think I've ever seen one quite like it." "It's actually not a necklace." "It's an Indonesian menstrual chart." "And each bead represents a cycle in" "Don't worry." "It's boring, sorry." "Are you kidding?" "You're the most interesting person here." " No offense, everybody." " None taken." "The closest I've been to Indonesia is ordering a chai latte at Starbucks." "That's actually from India, but I totally get what you mean." "We're so glad you came." "Next time we need to hear more about your time in England." "And your other menses jewelry." "Next time?" "Okay." "Okay, so getting down to a little fund-raiser business, we do need to pick the seventh-grade class song." "And, listen, nobody loves their Bey, Jay, and Kanye more than me, but I think those are for private minivan jams." "Of course, we can't let them sing any of the offensive songs our kids suggested." " No." " There was one non-offensive song that I think a student suggested." "It was Cuban Pete." "I think everyone was under the impression that that was a joke." "I mean, wasn't it?" "I don't know." "Because I think doing something so peculiar, it might lead to bullying." " So true." " Social suicide." "Yeah, land mine." "You know what?" "I'd never thought about it like that, but, I mean, that is quite a good point, isn't it?" "What if we pick something a little bit more fun and contemporary?" "Ooh!" "What about that Sara Bareilles song, Brave?" "♪ Say what you want to say ♪" "♪ And let the words fall out ♪" "♪ Honestly, I want to see you be brave ♪" "I love that song." "So catchy!" "Well done, you!" " Hey." " Oh, no!" "Oh, Tessa's lesson!" "Um, I was-- I totally forgot." "I--She's at her dad's place for the night." "Why don't-- I'll just come back tomorrow." "Oh, perfect." "Thank you." " I'm so sorry." " Okay." "Yeah, no." "No worries." "You know, since you're here and Tessa's not, maybe you'd like to come in for a glass of wine." "And by wine, do you mean" "Forget the wine." "Mm." "Okay." "Wait." "Hold on a second." "Just to be clear, there's definitely not gonna be a guitar lesson?" "Will, your guitar is not the instrument" "I'm interested in." " I see." " Mm-hmm." " Let's go upstairs, huh?" " Oh, I like your style." "Which one of these hats do you like for Cuban Pete?" "You know, my gut says the porkpie hat, because the fedora has been tragically co-opted by the unshaven hipster crowd." "Darling, can I have a word?" "Will you sit down?" "So, um... your class won't be performing Cuban Pete tomorrow night." "What?" "Why?" "You know I appreciate how you both literally and figuratively dance to the beat of your own drum." "But there are some people who might think that a group of 12-year-olds dancing to a 60-year-old rumba song is a bit odd." "Odd?" "It's the rumba, not the friggin' foxtrot." "I know, but sometimes we have to embrace the ideas of other people in order to fit in." "But what about our family motto?" ""We don't fit in..."" ""We fit out."" "I know, but sometimes you have to try to fit in a bit." "You know?" "Fine." "I'll do any song they want." "And I'll march off the cliff with all the other lemmings." "And just to be clear, the lemming/cliff thing is just hyperbole and not any indication that I may self-harm." "Okay, good." "Thank you again." "Thank you." "And I'm really sorry about the mix-up." "Oh, I'm sorry about the lamp." "Things got a little wild there at the end." "I always hated that lamp." "Oh, I almost forgot." "All right." "What is that?" "I" "I definitely did not give Tessa a guitar lesson." "Right, but I should have cancelled." "It's kind of standard procedure that a teacher get paid when a client doesn't cancel within 24 hours, so..." "Oh, well, I feel weird about taking this." "Oh, please." "I have to pay you for your time." "Uh, okay." "Let me get this straight." "You did not give the daughter a guitar lesson." "But you did have sex with the mom." " Mm-hmm." " And you got paid for it." " Mm-hmm." " How is this unclear?" "You're a prostitute." "A two-bit hussy." "A Pretty Woman, if you will." "What are you doing?" "Proving you wrong." "I am gonna ask Emma out on a date." "Prostitutes don't ask women out." "And they don't pay for dates, right?" "So, if she says yes, I'm right." "Big mistake." " Big." "Huge." " Shh." "Pretty Woman reference." "Watch this." "Hello?" "Hi, Emma." "It's Will Freeman." "Listen, I was wondering if you wanted to go out tomorrow night." "Dinner, maybe a movie?" "Oh, I'd like that." "Great." "Oh, actually, you know what?" "I can't." "I have this school fund-raiser thing tomorrow night." "Unless you'd like to join me?" "That sounds like a fun date." "Awesome." "And it's kind of a formal event, so do you have a tux?" "You can be my escort." "Your what, now?" "Oh, you know, I just had such a great idea." "There's this bachelor auction at the event, and I bet people would pay big money for you." "Will you do it?" "Will I dress up in a tuxedo, go up onstage, and be bid on by women on our date?" "Uh, sure." "Great." "Okay, bye." "Bye." "Want me to go with you and make sure she pays?" "That's what a pimp would say." "That's a pretty good pimp." "Thanks." "This is a fun date." "I've been on a lot of dates." "This is the best date in a long, long time." " Let's get a drink," " Yeah, I'd love that." "All right, here we go." "Got my wallet." "Oh, no, no, why don't you let me pay" "You're not paying for anything." "You've already paid for the limousine, which was surprising." "And then you paid for these cufflinks, which was a little bit weird." "But I can't let you pay for everything." "No, I'm not paying for everything." "Mr. O'Connor is." "Can I get two red wines, please." "I don't even like red wine." "Oh, excuse me for just a second, okay?" " Yeah, all right." " I'll be right back." "All right, great." "Was that your John?" "You stop it right now." "Honestly, she's paying for everything." "She's ordering for me." "I got to drink red wine now." "The whole thing is messing me up." "Honestly, I think maybe I am a prostitute." "Because you are." "That's what I've been saying this entire time." "You stop it right now!" "Let's just think through this thing, okay?" "Maybe it's not such a bad idea, all right?" "I'm looking for a job." "Sex is something I have 20 years experience with." " 20?" "Really?" " Yeah." "You know, I think I'd probably have to get a few more deep v-necks going." " Bronzer." " Frost my tips." "Those hats in the summer, those ski caps." "Just get the body spray going all day, all over the place." "Definitely work on your pecs." "That's what you need help with." "What?" "I don't know, man." "Getting paid for sex, it's like, what else am I capable of?" "I won't even--I don't even know who I am anymore." " Mr. O'Connor?" " That's me, thank you." "Um, why is everybody looking at us?" "Is my skirt tucked into my knickers?" "No, you're good." "Fiona, I'm loving the hair and that dress." "Thank you." "Of course, you can wear a column with your legs." "I could never pull it off with these tree stumps." "Oh, no, don't say that about yourself." "We all want what we don't have, right?" "I always say, "Compare and despair."" "And by what we don't have, I mean Mr. Chris." "We all want him, and you got him, you bitch." "Yeah, no, I saw him first, you bitch." "God, I don't mean that in the offensive way, obviously." "I just mean, like, bitch!" "It's actually quite fun to say." "Bitch!" "I can't stop." "Oh, my God." "Hold on." "I'll be right back." "Oh, no, no, no." "No, you" " Hello." " Hi, hi, hi." "Hi." "Oy, what are you doing here?" "Funny story, he's trying to prove he's not a pros" "I am on a date, just a date with a lady friend, Emma." "There's nothing odd or potentially illegal going on here." "Excuse me." "I'm sorry, I need to auction Will off now." "(Emma) This way." "Don't worry." "I got your back." "Bottoms up, Andy." "Wait." "I thought he wasn't drinking in solidarity with you." "You know..." "My hormones are raging right now." "Oh." "Andy gets handsy when he drinks, and honestly, Fiona, mama needs handsy." " Yes." " Real bad." "And a hearty muchos gracias to Chef Rodriguez." "Thank you, chef." "Okay, next up, we have a package of five guitar lessons given by Will Freeman." "Let's start the bidding at $50." "$100." "$100." "Where did Emma find that little boy toy?" "He teaches her daughter guitar." ""Guitar."" "Oh, God, are you serious?" "That is just sad." "I don't think we should assume." "Do I hear 200?" "$200?" "$200." "$200 from the lady in red." "Could she be any more desperate?" "Painful." "Someone text me when it's over." "Well, you know, all the money's going to the kids, isn't it?" "It's good." "I've got $300." "I'm looking for $400." "$400 for this tall drink of water." "I've got $400." "Do I hear 500?" "$500?" "$2,000." "Sold." "Oh." "I'm a celebrity recording artist." "Oh, my God." "I'm a male hooker." "All right, let's hear it for the seventh-grade class, singing Brave." "Unbelievable." "$2,000?" " That's a lot of money." " And for what?" "You know what?" "I-I got to say something to her." "This has got to stop." "It's gone on too far, right?" "I mean, I got some integrity." " Yeah." " Can I get a beer?" "You can put that on Mr. O'Connor." "Poor thing." "I mean, first her husband leaves her." "Then she's reduced to buying herself a prostitute?" "I heard she spent a fortune renovating her downstairs bedroom, if you know what I mean." "She should do her upstairs." " I mean the boobs." " Oh." "It's a little middle school of you all, isn't it," "I mean, to be gossiping about Emma like that?" "Well, duh, we're in middle school." "Do you have any idea what it actually feels like to be her?" "What it feels like to be a leper?" "To be too tall or too strange or, God forbid, too slutty to belong?" "I do." "Not the slutty part, but more the other two." "But, anyway, you've done me an enormous favor, because I always wanted to know what it felt like to be on the inside of the popular group." "And now that I know, I have absolutely no interest in it." "Oh, and another thing-- the man that she bought, he's not a prostitute." "He's my neighbor, Will." "And he would never, ever sell himself for sex." "Emma..." "I'm not having sex with you for money anymore." "Oh, he said it." "Excuse me?" "I am not a prostitute." "I was not paying you for sex." "I mean, I might have been overpaying you for guitar lessons, but that's just because" "I look for opportunities to spend my ex-husband's money." "Well, then how do you explain the sex?" "I liked you." "Jerk!" "This was a night to remember." "Darling, I was wrong... about asking you to follow the lemmings." "It is important to be part of a community." "But a community is made up of individuals-- unique, funny, lovely, brilliant, rumba-loving individuals." "And if you're still up for it," "I, for one, would love to see you perform Cuban Pete." "Yes!" "Just out of curiosity, how much for your guitar lesson?" "One lesson then we'll talk." "I'm gonna pass." "But also thank you." "There you go."