" Hey, dad, how you doing?" " I'm okay." "Can I get your ear for a minute?" "You got it." " Can I tug on your ear?" " Be gentle." "You got a second, right?" "Listen, I'm wondering, tomorrow night" "I've set aside some special time for the two of us to have a..." "Maybe a private time, a dinner, perhaps, maybe a slight celebration of sorts." "What exactly are we celebrating?" " You don't know?" " I'm looking at my calendar." "I don't see anything in there." " Think ten years back..." " Oh, that's right." "...from tomorrow." "That's when your voice changed." "No, dad, it's the anniversary of your divorce and the breakup of our family." "So tomorrow I'm thinking of planning a dinner, and I'm gonna start today." "I'm gonna start cooking a nice stew, and then I'm gonna ruin it." "Oh, as sort of a symbol." "Yeah." "Or maybe I'll make a nice soup with all the fresh ingredients, very organic, and then I'll ruin it!" "Hey, you are one sentimental kid." "Yeah, well, it's just a thought." "Do you wanna do this at home or would you rather go out?" "I think it would be more symbolic if we do it at home, sit at separate tables." "I see what you mean." "So you're on..." "It's a date." "I appreciate it." "I think it'll be fun." "We don't... wait a minute, we do spend a lot of time together." "Hey, Laura, right?" "What?" "Yeah, I'm a little early." " How's it going?" " Fine." "New earring..." "I like your earrings." "Hey, y'know, have you ever..." "I mean, you model, right?" "Ah-ha-ha." "Could you sit down?" "All right, I'll just wait." "Look, my sister just had a baby, doc." "Check it out..." "I just became an uncle." "Cute." "He's such a beautiful kid." "I went to the store..." "I wanted to get him a little present..." "He's six months old, so I got him a little blue sailor's suit, y'know, like kids wear, with the shorts and the ribbon and the little blue sailor hat, right?" "And I'm paying for it at the counter, right?" "Lady behind the counter puts it in a box." "She looked at me, and she actually said to me," ""Is this a gift?"" ""No, I'm gonna wear it out." "Yeah, I got a job interview in an hour, so hurry up before I make doodie-caca in my diaper, you freak of nature."" "You told her." "I love kids so much, man." "My little cousin Matthew is the cutest kid in the world." "I took him out to lunch the other day." "I said, "Matthew, how old are you now?"" "He goes, "six."" "I go, "If you could be any age", what age would you be?"" "He goes, "seven."" "I go, "Why only six or seven?"" "He goes, "It's the only ones I know."" "I go, "What about eight or nine?"" "He goes, "What the hell is your problem?"" "Oh, man, I'm getting old." "I went to try to buy a new needle for my record player." "I might as well have said," ""Excuse me, do you guys sell cannonballs?" ""I'm fresh out of cannonballs for my cannon outside." "Can you make it quick?" "The British are coming, the British are coming!"" "I love music, man." "I used to go out with a girl who worked for a record company." "That is the coolest job in the world." "After our first date, she sent me a whole bunch of new CDs in the mail." "Oh, great." "Now I just have to take her out three more times in the next five years." "When we stopped last time, you were starting to tell me about your grandfather, about growing up with him." "Yeah, my grandfather on my mother's side." "Yeah, he was a nut." "My grandfather actually raised me." "We were best friends, we were very close." "But you ever notice this?" "Sometimes when you live with older people, they kinda have a language all their own." "You have to translate all the time." "I remember watching TV with my grandfather." "He's like, "Put on that show I like, Oscar and Bunky."" ""Starsky  Hutch?"" ""Yeah, that's the one."" "So it was two single guys living in a house together." "I once made the mistake of letting my grandfather fix me up on a blind date." "You ever been on a blind date?" "Yes, I have." "The worst night of my life." "I get all dressed up, I pick this girl up..." "Heinous." "That was her name, Heinous." "I get to her building and she opens the door..." "I took one look..." "I did like a buckwheat, you know?" "I'm trying to be nice, make conversation." "I'm like, "So, Heinous, I was just admiring that infected fingernail."" "She had this mole with hair growing out of it." "It was, like, talking to me the whole time, y'know?" ""Wa bah!" "Wa bah!" "Wah!"" "Tell him, tell him, tell him." "No." "Stan, I'm not..." "I don't know if I..." "First of all, I don't even know if I want it..." "Now is a good time..." "Go, go, go, go." "No!" " Hey, guys." " Hi, hey, hi." "What's up?" "There's something." "Nothing." "Stanley's just..." "Julie has something she really would like to impart." " Go ahead." " No, I don't." "What is this all about?" "All right, all right, all right." "A good friend of Julie's came to town, and, you know, I think there might be a little quelque chose between the two of you." "You might wanna give her a buzz." "What between the two of us?" "Something, y'know, a little feeling, a little "rawr."" "Wait, wait, wait a second." "First of all, let's start with the basics." "What's her name?" " Her name's Beth." " Beth." "So what's she like?" "Hey, now you're talking, that's the spirit." "Well, she's smart and she's cute and she makes all her own clothes." "I met her earlier today and she's great." " Really?" " Oh, yeah." "I gave you a terrific buildup, so you're preapproved, if you hear what I'm saying." "Well, that was nice of you, Stanley." "I also..." "I told her your nickname was scootch." "Why would you do that?" "I panicked, y'know?" "But she liked it..." "You're in." "She's cute." "She makes all her own clothes." "Have we mentioned that?" "Yeah, a couple of times." "I've known her for a long time, and, I guess, I just was thinking nice dinner somewhere?" "Does she wrestle?" "Hey, listen, I have some bad news." "You know the plans we made for tomorrow night, the little celebration..." "Yeah, I'm looking forward to it..." "I can't wait." "Well, I'm afraid we're gonna have to push that back to another night, because I actually have a date tomorrow night." "Date?" " Like, with a woman?" " Yeah." " Get out!" " No, I'm serious." " Get out!" " Serious, Ben." "Move over, kittens, the cat man is back on the prowl, huh?" "Rawr!" "Ben, it is one date..." "Calm down." "So who is she?" " Is it Sarah from the bakery?" " No." "Susan from doughnuts, doughnuts, doughnuts?" "No." "Andrea at the pastry palace?" "Ben, I don't know any of these women!" "I'm just making them up." "Dad, I just love bakeries." "But she's a lawyer, makes her own clothes, sounds wonderful." " Makes her own clothes?" " Yeah." "What does that mean?" "It means that rather than purchasing them at an outlet or a store, she actually gets the fabric." "That's a lie." "It's a skill." "What do you mean she makes her own clothes?" "Is that code for something else?" "No, it's just what it sounds like." "She goes to the store, buys fabric, comes home, and turns it into this wonderful garment, supposedly." "What do you mean "She goes to the store, buys fabric, comes home, turns it into a wonderful garment"?" "Is that code for something?" "I guess it's code for something 'cause nobody does that." "So what you're really saying is..." "Got a drinking problem." "Gotcha." "I had a good day today." "What is a good day for you?" "When I'm doing my laundry and I get that lint screen off in one piece." "Right." "Doesn't that feel good?" "I have to run and show my neighbor." ""Look, look!" "Don't touch..." "It's very fragile." "It's thick..." "I did towels today." "I live next door."" "So, you know, Thanksgiving..." "I don't think I can go home for it again this year." "Last year was just too upsetting." "I just have too many upsetting memories." "You know, my mom used to save everything from Thanksgiving for weeks." "I mean, she threw out none of the food." "I remember she used to send me to school wearing a Turkey-carcass vest." "It was so humiliating." "She saves everything." "My mother saves aluminum foil." "She actually washes out aluminum foil and hangs it up to dry." "Her laundry room looks like darth vader's house." "Well, that's... that stuff you can save forever." "It was embarrassing." "I was in school... all the other kids had lunch boxes." "My sandwich was in a PanAm air sick bag." "It makes it tough to trade food with your friends." "Anyway, he's a dad." "My boyfriend's a dad and he has two kids." "They're have Swedish and half Norwegian." "They're see-through." "I have never seen blonder children in my life." "Last time you were talking about how much you loved kids, being with kids." "Um, I used to substitute-teach the second grade." "Those kids were horrible." "That's a tough age." "All day they're saying to me," ""Susan doesn't do it that way."" ""Susan lets us play."" ""Susan lets us chew gum."" ""Susan's prettier than you."" ""Oh, really?" "Well, Susan's dead." "Nah-nah, nah-nah-nah."" "Laura, I need your honest opinion on something." "Mm-hmm." "Actually, on second thought, you could sugarcoat it." "What do you think of this sweater?" "I mean, is this good?" "Is this a fun look for me?" "Well, it's fun for me." "Better in or out?" "Oh, in, definitely in." "One more thing... could you pick out a restaurant for me and this woman to go to tonight?" "Someplace romantic." "I mean, if somebody was gonna ask you out..." "Please, Dr. Katz, no more." "I just need a recommendation for a nice restaurant." "No idea." "Well, could you look one up in the yellow pages?" "Could you help me find a good restaurant?" "Mmm." "What are you doing?" "Calling my lawyer." "Dr. Katz, are you okay?" "Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm okay." "I don't think I've ever seen you lying on the couch like that." "Well, you know what..." "I'm just..." "I'm just trying to reflect on something here." "Does it help to do that?" "When I'm on the couch, I sort of get in the same mode that my patients, hopefully, get in." "Do you want me to sit in the chair and doodle a little and pretend to care?" "Yeah, thanks, I think that would help." "My sister, who I love dearly, has a doberman pinscher." "I love dogs..." "You should know that, okay?" "But I hate her dog 'cause he snaps at me all the time." "He's as mean as can be, right?" "So now whenever my sister goes to work during the day," "I call up her answering machine, leave the dogs messages to make him crazy." ""Come on, boy, wanna go for a walk?" "Where's the leash?" "Come on, baby." "Who's at the door?" "Go see who's at the door." "Meow." "Ruff." "Sit!"" "So, doc, every time I call up your office and your receptionist..." "What's her name?" "Laura." "When she's not there, your answering..." "What's with your message?" ""Leave your name and number."" "Doc, does anybody not know what to do?" "Are people leaving other data instead?" ""Hey, doc, call me back right away." "My address is 1535 Broadway, my favorite food is corn."" "How about this..." "You ever hear this one?" ""Speak clearly after the tone."" "I used to let my grandfather..." "'Cause we lived together, so I used to let him make the answering-machine message." "You ever hear an 80-year-old man make an answering-machine message?" ""How the hell does this thing..." Beep." "He played high-school football, my grandfather, back in the days of leather helmets and no face mask." " Remember those guys, doc?" " Sure." "He was so proud." "He used to tell me these stories all the time." ""I was starting fullback for the Newark Maulers."" ""Couldn't afford uniforms back then."" ""Used to shave our numbers into the hair on our backs."" ""We were the toughest team in the league."" ""Our motto was 'Mottos are for sissies.'"" "so it's just not gonna work out tonight, because something came up at the last minute, and my apologies to Beth, and my apologies to you, because you had laid..." "Done the legwork." "Wait, slow down a minute." "You know, I'm not gonna lie to you..." "It's okay, it's okay." "The truth of the matter is" "I'm having surgery tomorrow and it's..." " Jon." " Yes." "It's okay, because, you know, Beth..." "Just a procedure that I wasn't anticipating." "Are you really having surgery tomorrow?" "I'm having my bangs removed." "Dr. Katz' office." "Yes, who am I speaking with?" "Hi, Ben." "Hey... who am I speaking with?" "Ben, what are you doing?" " It's a nice day, huh?" " Um-hmm." "Is it?" "I haven't looked yet." "I'm curled up in a ball in the corner of the kitchen, crying, so there's no way for me to see what's happening outside." "Well, then I better let you go then." "But I've been thinking this thing through, Julie, and what's the best thing that could happen?" "She lives in the Midwest." "You know, I'm not..." "It's, it's... and I'm just leading her on." "This is nuts." "I think you should just take it easy, 'cause Beth actually called." "She can't make it." "Tonight doesn't really work for her, I guess." "She can't make it is what you're saying." "Right, she can't make it." "Something must have come up at the last minute." "Yeah, I don't know." "She wants to keep her options open, play the field." "I thought you said you couldn't make it, though." "I mean, what do you want here?" "You wanna go or you don't wanna go?" "That's what I'm saying..." "I wanna go, I don't wanna go." "I'm torn, I'm conflicted, but, uh, what..." "Let me ask you this..." "What time did she tell you?" "She just called about five minutes ago." "So technically, I had already decided" "I didn't wanna go through with it, so she didn't really blow me off." "Will you give her my apologies for canceling on such short notice?" "Yes." "Listen, Laura, I have just a quick question for you." "Would you be at all interested in maybe going out on a blind date with me?" "On a blind date?" "Yeah, a blind date with me..." "M-o-i, me." "Ben, how can I go on a blind date with you if I already know who you are?" "Um, because." "Oh, okay." "What if we just don't go out on..." "We don't call it a date, but we'll go out and get a couple of haircuts together." "What do you say?" "I mean, we could sit next to each other in the barber chairs." "We could talk to each other through the mirrors, and then it's not an actual date, but..." "And in the end, I'll pay, you tip." "What do you say?" "No." " Dr. Katz?" " Yeah." "I'm gonna be leaving a little early today." "Y'know, maybe if you need to leave early today, which is okay with me, maybe you could make up for that time by coming in a little early tomorrow or staying late tomorrow, just so it sort of evens out by the end of the week." "You put in the 40-hour week that I pay you for." "That's my only concern." "But if you..." "Laura?" "Laura?" "You know, dad, I have thought of a good way to meet women, though..." " How's that?" "...for you, if you're having trouble." "Open an inn." "Well, meeting women is not the issue." "It's meeting them again." "The truth, Ben." "This, to me, is a much better evening than the one I had planned." "You say that now because you're here, but..." "No, I actually am..." "I've been looking forward to this." "What happened to the..." "I called it off because she lives in the Midwest." "I don't wanna get involved with somebody who lives 2,000 miles away." "You don't want a long-distance relationship." "It's not fair to her." "Dad, maybe you're just..." "Maybe you made too big a deal out of it." "It just could have been a date." "You were thinking bringing up..." "No, it's never that simple, because I know the way my mind works and the way that my heart works." "Essentially, the heart pumps blood to the head." "I don't want this talk again." " Dad?" " Yeah?" "Let's have a toast." "A toast to you and mom and what could have been." "I'll drink to that, Ben." " Cheers." " Cheers." " To the pain, dad." " What pain?" "The pain I felt in the pit of my stomach every day the first three years after you and mom split up, huh?" "Oh, oh, that pain." "Ben, maybe we should slow down on the toasts." "You don't have to drink every time, dad, you know?" "You can just do the toast, click the glasses, don't drink." "I'll try that." "All right." "To you and mom splitting up." " Cheers." " Cheers." "You could have not toasted to that." "Dad, to the United States Navy." "They do a hell of a job, huh?" "I'll toast to the Navy." "Cheers." "To you and mom..." "You gave it your best shot." "Well, that's beautiful, Ben, thank you." "And here's to you..." "A great son and a nice date." "That's nice." "Hey, is that your foot?" "So I know this might come as a shock to you, but I'm getting married this year." "Hey, great." "I can't wait to tell him." "You've gotta tell him, Cathy." "And I'm Jewish, you know." "Right." "A lot of people don't think it's a good idea to be in a mixed couple." "I think it's... you just have to love each other." "I think that's what's important." "That's true, you're right." "Yeah, and, I mean, everybody has arguments." "We do, we have our share, and they always start the same way." "I always say things like, "We never go out anymore."" "And he always says things like," ""The holocaust never happened."" "You know how couples pick." "I'd like to get married in St. Patrick's cathedral just to annoy my mother." "I just wanna see the look on her face when I eat that wafer." "My father would be asking for seconds on the host." ""Mmm, this is good." "What is this?" "Host?" "Get some host when you go shopping next time."" "My dad's a C.P.A., and like every C.P.A. I know, he's the most factious, meticulous, anal-retentive person." "Really, if you ever meet my dad and you wanna torture him, this is what you do..." "You tie him against a wall like this, and then right in front of him, you refold a road map incorrectly." "He just twitches a little bit, and then he passes out." "My aunt is always, like, Hawking me to go out with Jewish women, you know?" "And it's like every time she meets one of my girlfriends, she wants to know if she's Jewish, but she doesn't wanna come out and ask me, you know?" "She's, like, more subtle." "She's like, "I didn't catch her last name, dear."" "Well, Jeffrey, this is what old women like to do." "They like to fix people up." "Her friends in the building, the old ladies who live there, they're so adorable, her little card-playing buddies." "They're always like..." "It's a harsh word, but it fits..." "They're always pimping off their granddaughters on me, you know what I mean?" ""You should meet my Angela." "She's a law student and beautiful!"" "I'm like, "What do you mean, beautiful?" "Describe her to me."" ""Well, she's not a hunchback."" "Sometimes they get desperate." "They give me the hard sell, you know?" ""Oh, you should meet my Marie, not much to look at, but she'll bop on your schmeckle, boy."" "Doc, I'm kind of embarrassed." "I wrote a love poem." " Can I try it on you?" " Sure, go ahead." "It's a poem about a guy who gets dumped by a girl, and he just can't seem to get on with his life." "It's called, "Either she screens her calls or she hasn't been home since 1985."" "Hmm." ""Hello, pick up the phone." "I know you're home." "I'll just call back later."" "What do you think?" "Whoops... you know what the music means." "You hear music?" "I thought that was in my head." "Oh, thank god."