"[Sighs]" "Ah." "Hello, Eddie Bear." "Popped over to return the cup of sugar I borrowed." "You didn't borrow any sugar, Lydia." "That is your cup." "Don't suppose you've got any Sellotape?" "Rolls." "Come over." "What's it for?" "Off to Lauren's parents' for dinner later." "I'm taking a couple of gifts." "We never go to dinner at my parents' anymore." "We're divorced." "And they're dead." "Think this suit still looks okay?" "Perhaps with a different tie." "Alan, come back." "It's far too tight, mate." "Thought so." "It's the end of an era." "Goodbye 38 inch, Now I'm into my 40s." "I'll unwrap the emergency suit." "For tonight!" "My first date with the beautiful Mags." "Here, take a look." "She's lovely." "Why's she going on a date with you, Alan?" "Another one after UK citizenship?" "Mags is a foodie, like me." "We both know how to eat chocolate properly." "Just pop it in your mouth, don't you?" "Oh, dear Ed." ""You just put it in your mouth."" "Ah, one tiny detail that's perhaps not 100% accurate." "Instead of a photo of yourself, Alan, there appears to be one of David Hasselhoff!" " Oh." "You noticed." " Noticed?" "It's The Hoff!" ""Knight Rider"!" "Don't you think it's an uncanny likeness?" "Ah, I see it now." " Really?" " No!" "[Sighs]" "♫♫" "Subtitle by peritta" "It's not Tim's stupidity, or the fact he's Ed's grandson, and that if you and Ed married you'd be his step-grandma." "It's his arrogance." "The way he comes round and gives me and Keith nicknames." "I mean, how would you feel if he called you "Deb the Pleb"?" "Ed, tell me something good about your grandson to stop me worrying." "He's a very good lad at heart." "DEBS:" "Really?" "Would a good lad send love poems like the ones he does?" ""Roses are red, violets are blue, by the time you've read this, the Rohypnol will have kicked in."" "Aw!" "[Laughs]" "Why is there never any Sellotape in my life?" "Bit stressed, bless him." "We've dinner at Mum and Dad's tonight." "Thought Mum didn't approve of Ed." "LAUREN:" "She doesn't, which is why she's invited him to dinner to find out more about him -- classic Mum strategy." "Wow, our mum." "What other parent invites a daughter's boyfriend round to dinner to deliberately sabotage a... romance?" "ELLIE:" "One!" "Why have you started using Facebook?" "Facebook isn't for mums." "Two!" "You friended Tim and invited him round for dinner!" "I know why you're doing it!" "Auntie Lauren just told me" "Grandma used to do the same thing." "Did Lauren tell you on Skype?" "Will you teach me how to use that?" "Forget it!" "You wouldn't understand." "Yeah, I would, I'm a modern mum, Ellie, which is why, despite my initial reservations about Tim," "I am prepared to extend the olive branch." "I want you and Tim to think of me and your dad as really tolerant, cool, non-judgmental parents, man." "So you're going to lie?" "Ellie, Ellie, I know it'll be difficult for Tim, sitting down properly with the olds for the first time." "I was the same when I met your grandma and granddad, but I soon stormed that castle." "Tada!" ""Hi!" "My name is Forrest." "Forrest Gump."" "I knew my world-famous impressions would lighten the up-the-duff atmosphere that was present in the room." "I could do some tonight!" ""Oh!" "Titter ye not, madam." "Ohhh!"" "I am so getting dumped." "LYDIA:" "Oh, go on, Alan." "There's nothing on television, and I can't spy on Ed and Lauren if they're going out." "Why would I take you on my date?" "Because you need my help!" "She's expecting Knight Rider!" "How do you think she's going to react when you turn up?" "A fat man in a Nissan Micra!" "Picture the scene." "The date's not going well, because you're not The Hoff." "But I just happen to be eating in the same restaurant." "I pass your table, in the guise of an old flame." "Things didn't work out between us, but we're still friends, and I can lavish praise on you." "Intellectual praise." "physical praise." "Sexual praise." "I suppose that would help." "Great!" "I'll just go and get ready!" "Don't be long." "I'm already running late!" "LYDIA:" "I'll be 10 minutes!" "Hour, tops!" "Oh!" "Drop of red." "I shall enjoy that." "Red wine brings you out in a rash, Clive." "Makes you itchy." "Yes, but wears off." "After a few hours." "Lovely gesture, Ed." "EMMA:" "Good lord, Lauren." "How much Sellotape have you used on this thing?" "Ed wrapped it." "But I told him what to get." "You're going to love it." "Ooh." "Let's see what I've..." "Badges?" "Why have you got my mum badges?" "Because you said she loved them." " Is there a badger badge?" " ED:" "Don't think so." "Oh, there's a squirrel, an old Tufty Club badge." "A squirrel is hardly a badger, Ed." "In fact, I deplore squirrels." "ALAN:" "Remember the plan." "You sit at the bar, keep an eye out." "If I tug my left ear, like this, it means I need help..." "come over." "If I scratch my nose, it means things are going great, you can leave." "What if you pat your head?" "Or pull this face?" "What does that mean?" "Nothing." "Sir, madam." "Do you have a reservation?" "I have, she hasn't." "See ya." "Mags?" " Hi." " Hi." "Hi, I'm Mags." "No, I'm not!" "You're Mags." "Alan is him." "Me!" "I'm Alan." "Though I bet you were expecting" "David Hasselhoff, right?" "Alan, of course not." "I thought the photo was a lovely joke." "Joke?" "Joke!" "Yes, that's what it was." "I hope you like it here." "It's my favorite restaurant." "Sure, it's lovely." "But I must warn you, I have a big appetite." "Good!" "All these thin people, counting calories." "Live a little!" "Yeah!" "You boring, skinny gits!" "MAGS: [Laughs]" "Shall we order some drinks?" "[Door closes]" "Right, he's here, so don't embarrass me." "Don't stand!" "What did I just say?" "Don't be so crabby, Ellie." "Don't call me crabby, Deb the Pleb." "[Laughs] I'm fine with you calling me that." "B-both of you." "No, we've moved on from that, haven't we?" "Instead, I will call you, let me think..." "Sweet Mama Debbie!" "ELLIE: "Sweet Mama Debbie"?" "No." "Sweeeeeeeeet!" "Mama Debbie." "And you, Keith, you're..." "K-Dog!" "Right, I'll have a beer if you're asking, K-Dog." "And make sure it's a chilled one, yeah?" "[Turns on TV]" "Man on TV:" "Oh, and they're on a counterattack here." "How's my casserole, Ed?" "It's melt in the mouth, Emma." "Books!" "Everyone here can read." "Let's talk about books." "Dad, you know those Tom Clancy books you like?" "EMMA:" "He's gone off those lately, said there was too much military jargon." "What about Tom Clancy, sweetheart?" "Well, I was just going to say that Ed..." "He doesn't like them either." "EMMA:" "Is that it?" "Then why mention it?" "I was just pointing out that Ed and Dad had something in common." "In what they don't like?" "You could go on for hours." "It'd be like me telling Ed I don't like Alan Sugar, or people wearing trainers all the time, or the Internet." "Or Harry Potter." "Or squirrels." "LAUREN:" "Mum, why don't you have a bit of Ed's wine?" "It's lovely." "You know I hardly ever drink." "Alcohol doesn't agree with me." ""Oh, yes, I do!"" "[Both laughing]" "ED:" "How long have you liked badgers?" "Ever since we had one in the garden." "Barry." "He used to love my flapjack." "Very powerful jaws has a badger." "EMMA:" "Lovely, handsome, dignified creatures, don't you think?" " I've only ever seen one." " Where was it?" " You don't want to know." " I do!" "What was it doing?" "This and that, sniffing around." "LAUREN:" "Ed, Mum's showing an interest." "Tell her what happened." "Ed!" "I ran over it in my car." "Okay?" "It was a real mess." "I had to jet-wash its fur and guts off my wheel-arches." "Can you tell me where the bathroom is?" "In the hall, on the right." "Can't miss it." "Why can't you just relax?" "Relax?" "He's just admitted to killing a badger!" "Badgercide!" "Shh, accidentally!" "Ed wouldn't hurt a fly." "Apart from badgers, you've hardly talked to him." "Just make him feel liked, welcome." "EMMA:" "This isn't easy for me and your father!" "At least with your past boyfriends, we could talk about their plans for the future, their career prospects, aspirations." "What are we supposed to talk to Old Man Ed about?" "Cod liver oil capsules, perhaps?" "His bowel movement frequency?" "His penchant for younger women?" "LAUREN:" "Just relax!" "Be normal." "Ed is lovely, Mum." "Emma, um, you know the ceramic badger in your bathroom?" "Sammy Badger." "Lovely, isn't he?" "ED:" "So sorry." "CLIVE:" "So!" "Ed." "How are your bowels?" "[Both laughing]" "Everything okay, Alan?" "Fine!" "But would you excuse me for a minute?" "Need the bathroom." "It's going great!" "You can leave." "I'm having dinner first." "And you're paying." "Least you can do after I've helped you find love." "Fine." "Just stop distracting me." "What would you like for a starter?" "What?" "Your starter, Alan." "What do you want?" "The mushrooms sound lovely." "I'm not eating with you, I'm eating over there!" "I'm on a date!" "So I'm just supposed to sit here on my own, am I?" "Like Jennifer No Mates?" "I think not." "I'll come over, they'll set another place for me." "ALAN:" "You're not coming over!" "Stay here, and stop distracting me." "MAN:" "Yes, madam?" "We'll both have the mushrooms." "LAUREN:" "Are those my Sylvanian Family badgers up there?" "You're 33, Lauren." "I've always been puzzled by Sylvanian Families." "I always wondered why horses were second-class citizens." "Every other animal has clean clothes, a nice house, even post office facilities, but the horses are still treated like horses, like animals." "Who cares about horses?" "Real or not." "I detest them, too brutish." "Though I do like "Wild Horses."" " The Rolling Stones song." " CLIVE:" "The Rolling Stones." "Not fit to carry The Beatles' guitar cases, eh, Ed?" "I'm afraid I rather like them, Clive." "I worshipped them when I was young." "I had every record, I used to collect all their memorabilia." "Best gig I ever went to was the Good-bye Britain Tour," " London, must've been in..." " 1971, March!" "At the Roundhouse!" "I was at that gig!" "You mean were there, too?" " Yes." " That's amazing!" "Isn't that amazing?" "Amazing two fools like the Stones." "Oh, when "Wild Horses" started, the hairs on the back of my neck..." "For me, it was "Sympathy for the Devil,"" "but I know exactly what you mean." "And opposite the roundhouse there was the..." " BOTH:" "Ice-cream parlor." " Yes!" "TIM:" "Working, and paying taxes, all that's for idiots." "You've both worked for the Man, the System, and what have you got to show for it?" "It's an okay house, but it's not a mansion, is it?" "DEBS:" "You still have to earn a living in this world, Tim, in "the System."" "How are you going to do that?" "Things aren't like in your day, Mum, the olden days." "We have computers now." "And Twitter." "Honest to God," "Tim could earn a living just tweeting." "Political thoughts, standpoints." "Tell them what you tweeted yesterday." ""West Ham suck."" "ELLIE: "West Ham suck."" "Got retweeted 174 times." "And he's an entrepreneur." "Go on, tell them about your new invention." "Okay, so you know those fruit corner yogurts?" "Well, imagine one of them, but instead of fruit and stuff in one corner, there's fruit and stuff in every corner." "Ah!" "You're not going to nick that, are you?" "Why on earth would we steal that?" "For money." "To get a better house." "Back then we went out to dance, not to drink ourselves senseless like they do these days." " Another top-up, Mum?" " Yes, please, dear." "Ahh, here we are!" "[Gasps] There I am on the left at the gig." "Just there." "Don't I look young, Lauren?" "LAUREN:" "And drunk." "You've one eye closed." "CLIVE:" "Ah!" "Photos of Lauren when she was little!" "Oh, Ed doesn't need to see them." "Ed, if you look at those, we're over." "CLIVE:" "Oh, here's one of you and Thingamajig, that boyfriend of yours, what was his name?" "Robbie Walsh." "You had a lucky escape with that one." "Thick as two short planks." "He won't have amounted to much in life." "He's now MP for Cheltenham." "Bet he's got a small majority." "Mm." "These are divine!" "[Mobile rings]" "Aren't you going to answer that?" "And ruin a wonderful meal?" "LYDIA: [Whispers] Alan!" "Alan..." " Atchoo!" " Alan!" "Atchoo!" "[Laughs]" "Damn pepper." "Whoa!" "I mean, would you like me to see if I can get another bread roll?" "Quick here, aren't they?" "Enjoy." "Just nipping to the bathroom again." "What are you playing at?" "Trying to tell you your starter is getting cold." "I don't want that!" "I mean, I do, that's what I've ordered, but over there, leave me alone!" "If you don't sit down, eat your food and enjoy my company," "I'm going to march over there and tell Mags I'm your ex-wife." " That you treat me terribly." " That's a lie!" "Mags won't know that." "Good." "Now, what shall we talk about?" "MAGS:" "Don't they look delicious?" "Tuck in!" "Mm." "CLIVE:" "Every year chronicled, every family holiday." "Ah!" "Now, you see this crisp packet here?" "I had those on Brighton Pier." "28th of January 1988." " And?" " And that's it." "Ready salted." "Memories." "Put away your boring scrapbooks, Clive, no one's interested." "Ed, you know what else" "I did at the gig?" "I got on stage!" "I didn't want to brag, but what the hell." "Mick even kissed me on the cheek." "CLIVE: [Laughs] You've never told me this." "Mick Jagger kissed you on the cheek?" "With his lips?" "He must've enveloped your entire face!" "ED:" "Lauren, would you tell me where the bathroom is?" "You've already been." "You know where it is." "I have forgotten." "Can you show me again?" "CLIVE:" "Do you think he's getting dementia?" "Ooh!" "[Laughs]" "What's going on, what's the matter?" "Oh, is it Mum's casserole?" "The trick is to swallow it as fast as possible, and try not to taste it." "It's not the casserole." "It's something so awful, something so abhorrent," "I can't even sugarcoat it." "I'm going to have to come out and say it..." "I can't say it." "Say it." "Say it!" "I think I may have slept with your mother." "[Laughs]" "Why are you smiling?" "I don't know." "Shock." "Maybe." "Start explaining." "1971, after the Stones gig." "It was a heavy night, I drank far too much, don't remember most of it." "But what I do remember I was going back to a hotel that some girl was staying at." "Some blond girl." "A blond girl who kept bragging about getting up on stage with Mick Jagger, and getting a kiss off him." "Oh... my... flipping... bloody, bloody!" "EMMA:" "Lauren!" "Edward!" "I'm putting out my special trifle." "We're coming, Mum!" "[Softly] You filthy, brazen hussy." "Why, why have you told me this?" "Would you have rather I hadn't?" "Yes!" "No, of course not." "It's just " " Oh, God." "People have given me a lot of reasons for not dating an older man -- not enough in common, different aspirations, different priorities, but none, none, strangely, ever hit on," ""Hang on, he might have shagged your mum"!" "Ah..." "Okay, first things first, and I have to ask this..." "Are you my real dad?" "What?" "!" "No!" "It was 1971." "For me to be your father you'd have to over 40..." "You're not over 40, are you?" "Really, really pushing your luck now, mister!" "And you're positive that you and her..." "had se--, had se" "Had se" " Made whoopee?" ""Made whoopee"?" "Well, what do you want me to say?" ""Bonked"?" ""Sexed it up"?" "What?" " Case put." "And, yes, I'm almost certain that we... made whoopee." "Almost!" "But the silver lining is I don't think she remembers!" "We're in the clear." "Yeah, we're in the clear." "We're in it up to our stinky armpits!" "Okay, look, this is what we do." "We go downstairs, act normal, eat her trifle fast, then make sure, for certain, she doesn't remember..." "Making whoopee." "Lalala!" "Then we go home and we rock back and forth in a corner for a few weeks." "Don't you think it might be better if we came clean, got it all out in the open?" "No, no, the only thing I want out in the open are your hands, so I know you're not groping my mum under the table." "Now, shift it, shift it!" "Shift it!" "Get out!" "Quick, get me something to punch or break." "I can't stand him!" "Opinionated, rude, lazy, cocky little..." "He's got no prospects." "The four corner yogurt's a good idea." "No, it isn't!" "I don't want Ellie seeing him!" "I don't want our daughter ending up with someone who put "chilling" as a skill on his CV!" "But you can't say that 'cause you promised Ellie we were nonjudgmental parents." "There's no such thing!" "Not really!" "But you're right, I said that..." "Why did I say that?" "[Gasps] Hang on a minute." "We can't say we want them to split up, but we can do things that might make them." "How would you feel about entertaining them with some of your infamous impressions?" ""Hey, Yoko!" "I'm gettin' bed sores!"" "Terrible, perfect." "So, get in there." "[Clears throat]" "EMMA:" "Some more trifle, Ed?" "I'm fine, Emma, thank you." "Oh, go on, Lovely trim man like you can afford to indulge." "Have some more of my creamy trifle." "I've had enough, thank you." "No, I insist." "Here." "He said he doesn't want any!" "Grumpy." "She always did get edgy when her boyfriends came round." "Don't talk to Ed about my ex-boyfriends." "In fact, why don't we have a chat about yours?" "Hmm, Mum?" "The ones before Dad." "Any that stick in the mind?" "Any brief encounters, any one-night stands?" "Lauren!" "What are you incinerating?" "Insin-- Insunner" "Suggesting?" "You're not drunk, are you?" "Please, you can count the amount of drunk I've been times on one hand." "LAUREN:" "Were you drunk at that Stones gig?" "It's just that it doesn't sound like you, Mum," " getting up on stage " " EMMA:" "Whoopsie daisy!" "Oh, never mind." "It's only a tablecloth." "Now I know you're drunk." "I'll go get a cloth." "EMMA:" "Oh, live a little, Clive!" "With your scrapbooking and your cardigans, and your ISA." "Be a little more like Ed." "Lovely Ed." "Can I tell you something, Ed?" "I wasn't looking forward to you coming here tonight." "But I felt it my duty." "If you and Lauren break up, and we all know the reason why that might happen -- the age gap -- then I didn't want her accusing me of not trying, not making you feel welcome." "Thank you, Emma." "You're welcome, Lovely Ed." "With your lovely hair..." "Like the fur of a sexy badger." "LAUREN:" "Ah!" "She knows!" "She knows!" "She's just playing with us!" " Lauren..." " No, I can't stand this!" "Mum!" "Have you and Ed ever slept together?" "[Laughs]" "When we were young?" "In 1971?" "The gig?" "You weren't drunk, we didn't go to your hotel room?" "Oh!" "[Whimpering]" "What's up?" "What happened?" "Oh, Ed and Mum have slept together." "I was only out of the room for a minute!" "Hmm." "Someone's hungry." "I'm not, though!" "Not now." "And I've another one coming over there!" "Don't speak with your mouth full." "Now, what do you fancy for dessert?" "I don't want dessert, and you're not blackmailing me anymore." "Because what will it be next?" " Cheese and biscuits, I imagine." " Listen to me, Lydia." "I am going back over there, back to Mags, and I don't want to hear from you for the rest of night." "You don't know me." "We've never met before." " Okay." "What's in that for me?" " Glass of wine?" "I want you to get me one of Ed's shirts, the purple one with the white cuffs, sprayed with his favorite aftershave." "Deal." "Sorry about that." "Must be the nerves." "Looks heavenly, doesn't it?" "ALAN:" "And more." "MAGS:" "Oh, I didn't know how you wanted your potatoes, so I got you them all." "Oh!" "Mm." "Open up, Mum!" "We need to talk." "You can't stay in there forever." "EMMA:" "I can." "I'll rearrange my soaps." "I'm so sorry about this, Clive." "But it was one night." "It was before you and Emma had even met." "I suppose so." "And at least it means we have something in common now." "Ah!" "Mum, if you don't open this door," "I'm going to start smashing badgers." "Okay, the Sylvanian badger family are going in the microwave!" "I can't remember everything." "I remember enjoying some drinks, the gig, dancing," " getting up on stage with Mick." " And then?" "That's it." "So you don't know, for sure, if you and Ed..." "Did the dirty." "We're using the term "making whoopee," Dad." "You don't know if you took Ed or anybody back to your hotel?" "No, I did, because my friend Polly, who I went to the gig with, told me next morning." ""Back in my day, we went to dance, not to drink ourselves senseless."" "I'm as upset about this as you are!" "I don't like the idea that I might have once... once..." "Made whoopee." "EMMA:" "With my daughter's partner..." "Oh." "Will you have to split up now?" " No." " Don't know." "You've slept with my mum!" "Just think about that sentence." "It's the sort of sentence you read at the bottom of "The Jeremy Kyle Show"!" "Hold on!" "Hold on!" "My ticket!" "I remember he, whoever he was, he wrote his name and number on the back of my gig ticket." "Nope, can't remember." "LAUREN:" "Do you still have the ticket?" "A ticket from over 40 years ago?" "Yes!" "I think it's in my coat pocket." "CLIVE:" "Blue binder." "Gold lettering on the front." "Your mum's things, the stuff before I met her," "I put it all into scrapbooks years ago." " Do you know where it is?" " In the loft." "Can you find that blue scrapbook?" "There's quite a few." "Over 120 volumes at the last count." "EMMA:" "Spent half his life making scrapbooks." "Better than collecting badgers!" "They're vermin, Emma!" "Vermin!" "KEITH: "Uh, y'know, w' y' sayin', Tim?" "Think you can take me?" "You wanna fight me?"" "TIM: "The Elephant Man."" "Rocky Balboa!" "Mum!" "You said he wouldn't do this!" "[Mobile sounds]" "KEITH:" "All right, you tell me who your favorite artist is and I'll do them." "Deadmau5." "[Whispering] Lauren?" "I can't talk." "I'm just trying to split up Tim and Ellie." "Mum's done the worst thing ever." "She made her casserole." " She might have slept with Ed." " Bye, Lauren." "I'm se-- I'm serious!" "It was years ago, but Ed's sure he and Mum... y'know?" "Just answer me this -- are you calling to tell me that Ed's our real dad?" "No!" "Dad's Dad!" "It's just..." "span tts: fontStyle= "italic" Ed and Mum!" "Take my mind off it for a minute." "What's the matter with Tim?" "Everything, and yet Ellie thinks he's wonderful." "And unless Keith's Worzel Gummidge works, there's nothing I can do about it." "Try sleeping with him." "Believe me, once your mum's done that, it causes all sorts of trouble." "Like I'd do that..." "Oh." "But if he took some bait, flirted with me..." "Thanks for the advice, sis!" "Debs, no." "It wasn't..." "It wasn't advice." "[Sighs]" "You're not really a food lover, are you?" "Of course I am!" "Look at the size of me!" "You're probably just a fish and chips man." "You don't appreciate the subtle flavors and art of food at all." "I do!" "I really do!" "Then why aren't you enjoying it?" "I've been eating two meals tonight." "See that lonely woman sat behind you?" "I brought her along for support in case things weren't going great." "But then she forced me to eat a meal with her." "I'll prove it." "Come on." "Lydia, tell Mags who you are." "Sorry?" "Who are you?" "Lydia!" "Stop messing about!" "Lydia?" "Who's Lydia?" "I'm Lauren." "You're not!" "She's not!" "I asked her to lie for me, and now she's lying." "Mags!" "Please come back!" "Look!" "I'm starting to get my second wind!" "Well, you've well and truly blown that one, Alan." "CLIVE:" "Ah! "The Rolling Stones," "Saturday 20th of March, 1971."" "EMMA:" "That's it!" "I don't want to know!" "Who cares if you had a one-night stand four decades ago?" "It's not like Ed could've known, like he's cheated on me, is it?" "It's not going to change the way I feel about him." "Ah, that's so sweet." "But I still need to know!" "It's faded, but there's a phone number on there, and a name, looks like," ""Nick" or "Mick."" "ED:" "I thought you said it didn't matter." "It's doesn't, it's just nice to know" "I'm the only member of my family you've slept with." "Oh, my clever Clive!" "I'll never criticize your scrapbooks ever again." "You definitely got up on stage?" "Yes!" "Although, now I think about it, I wasn't the only one." "Mick loved the ladies." "Mick." "The man who wrote this, it couldn't have been " "No." "I'd have definitely remembered him!" "Wouldn't I?" "Clive?" "That's right, help yourself to another beer, Tim." "And if there's anything else want." "Anything." "Just take it." "Grab it." "Anything you fancy." "Don't be shy." "'Cause remember -- I'm Sweet Mama Debbie." "Cheers." "I just saw what you did." "Thank you so much for making him feel welcome!" "You were right, it was a good idea." "I love you so much." "I think me and Tim are forever!" "[Squeals]" "Subtitle by peritta"