"Sit on my face, and tell me that you love me" "I'll sit on your face and tell you I love you, too." "I love to hear you oralize" "When I'm between your thighs" "You blow me away" "Sit on my face and let my lips embrace you" "I'll sit on your face and then I'll love you truly." "Life can be fine if we're both 69" "If we sit on our faces at losses of places and play" "'Till we're blown away" "Hello, good evening and welcome to the Ronald Reagan Memorial Bowl," "here in the pretty little L.A. suburb of Hollywood." "Well, we're about to go in all for wrestling, brought to you tonight, ladies and gentlemen, by the makers of Scum," "the world's first ever combined hair oil, foot ointment, and salad dressing." "And the makers of Titan, the novelty nuclear missile!" "You never know when it'll go off!" "Surprise your friends, amuse your enemies, start the party with a bang!" "Introducing, ladies and gentlemen, tonight, all the way from a mudwrestling tour of the OPEC countries... in the red corner:" "Colin "Bomber" Harris!" "... and, ladies and gentlemen, in the blue corner... all the way from a mudwrestling tour of the OPEC countries..." "Colin "Bomber" Harris!" "Well, now, ladies and gentlemen, this is the first time that Colin "Bomber" Harris has met himself." "A few formalities now, any moment we're out, we'll be ready for the start of Round One." "There goes the bell!" "Colin moves to the middle of the ring there, he's looking for an opening, going for the handhold..." "He's got it!" "Into the headsqueeze..." "A headsqueeze there..." "A favorite..." "...a favorite move of Colin's flying there and already Colin is..." "working on that weak left knee of his!" "A half nelson..." "a half nelson and a Philadelphia Hamilton and Colin bit himself on purpose there, and he has been given a public warning by the referee, and Colin did not like that one little bit!" "Double overhead nostril backkick and into the, ah, Boston crayfish, no, it's a crawlfish, or is it a longestine, no, it's a longestine!" "A lovely move there!" "He's caught himself by surprise and this is the first fall to Colin "Bomber" Harris!" "Swell!" "A lovely move there!" "And Colin must be pretty pleased with himself having put himself up with that one!" "A strawberry whip, a vanilla whip, a chocolate whip... there it is, Colin's most famous hold:" "the one-neck-over-shoulder-Gerry Ford and Colin's in real trouble!" "He's just made it to the rope..." "just a little lucky there and there it is, a double Eydie Gorm should be able to twist... and he does..." "but he's looking pretty groggy... and I think he's caught himself." "Colin "Bomber" Harris has knocked himself out and so he is the winner and he goes on next week to meet himself in the final!" "Never be rude to an Arab" "An Israeli or Saudi or Jew" "Never be rude to an Irishman" "No matter what you do" "Never pull fun at a nigger" "A Spic or a Wop or a Kraut" "And never poke fun at a..." "Michelangelo to see you, your Holiness." "Who?" "Michelangelo, the famous renaissance artist whose best known works include the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, and the celebrated statue of David." "Ah." "Very well..." "In 1514 he returned to Florence and de..." "All right, that's enough, that's enough, they've got it now!" "Good evening, your Holiness." "Evening, Michelangelo." "I want to have a word with you about this painting of yours, "The Last Supper."" "Oh, yeah?" "I'm not happy about it." "Oh, dear." "It took me hours." "Not happy at all." "Is it the jello you don't like?" "No." "Ah, no, I know, they do have a bit of colour, don't they?" "Oh, I know, you don't like the kangaroo?" "What kangaroo?" "No problem, I'll paint him out." "I never saw a kangaroo!" "Uuh...he's right in the back." "I'll paint him out!" "No sweat, I'll make him into a disciple." "Aah." "All right?" "That's the problem." "What is?" "The disciples." "Are they too Jewish?" "I made Judas the most Jewish." "No, it's just that there are twenty-eight of them." "Oh, well, another one will never matter," "I'll make the kangaroo into another one." "No, that's not the point." "All right." "I'll lose the kangaroo." "Be honest,I wasn't perfectly happy with it." "That's not the point." "There are twenty-eight disciples!" "Too many?" "Well, of course it's too many!" "Yeah, I know that, but I wanted to give the impression of a real last supper." "You know, not just any old last supper." "Not like a last meal or a final snack." "But you know, I wanted to give the impression of a real mother of a blow-out, you know?" "There were only twelve disciples at the last supper." "Well, maybe some of the others came along afterw..." "There were only twelve altogether." "Well, maybe some of their friends came by, you know?" "Look!" "There were just twelve disciples and our Lord at the last supper." "The Bible clearly says so." " No friends?" " No friends." " Waiters?" " No" " Cabaret?" " No!" "You see, I like them, they help to flesh out the scene," "I could lose a few, you know I could..." "Look!" "There were only twelve disciples at..." "I've got it!" "I've got it!" "We'll call it "The Last But One Supper"!" "What?" "Well there must have been one, if there was a last supper, there must have been a one before that, so this, is the "Penultimate Supper"!" "The Bible doesn't say how many people were there, does it?" "No, but..." "Well there you are, then!" "Look!" "The last supper is a significant event in the life of our Lord, the penultimate supper was not!" "Even if they had a conjurer and a mariachi band." "Now, a last supper I commissioned from you, and a last supper I want!" "With twelve disciples and one Christ!" "One?" "!" "Yes one!" "Now will you please tell me what in God's name possessed you to paint this with three Christs in it?" "It works, mate!" "Works?" "Yeah!" "It looks great!" "The fat one balances the two skinny ones." "There was only one Redeemer!" "Ah, I know that, we all know that, what about a bit of artistic license?" "A one Messiah is what I want!" "I'll tell you what you want, mate!" "You want a bloody photographer!" "That's you want." "Not a bloody creative artist to crease you up..." "I'll tell you what I want!" "I want a last supper with one Christ, twelve disciples, no kangaroos, no trampoline acts, by Thursday lunch, or you don't get paid!" "Bloody fascist!" "Look!" "I'm the bloody pope, I am!" "May not know much about art, but I know what I like!" "Never be rude to a polack..." "Hello, and welcome to Munich, for the 27th Silly Olympiad, an event held traditionally every 3.7 years, which this year has brought together competitors from over 4 million different countries." "And here we are at the start of the first event of the afternoon:" "the second semifinal of the 100 yards for people with no sense of direction." "Aah, i'll just give you the competitors:" "Lane One:" "Kolomovski of Poland;" "Lane Two:" "Zatapatique of France;" "Lane Three:" "Gropovich of the United States, next to him:" "Drabble of Trinidad, next to him:" "Fernandez of Spain, and in the outside lane:" "Bormann of Brazil!" "Get set!" "Well, that was fun, wasn't it?" "And now, over to the other end of the stadium." "And here they're just waiting for the start of the 1500 meters for the deaf." "And they're on the starter's orders." "Well, we'll be coming back the moment there's any action." "And now over to the swimming." "And you join us here at the Bundesabsurd pool just in time to see the start of the 200 meters freestyle for non-swimmers." "Watch for the top Australian champion" "Ron Barnett in the second lane." "Well, we'll be bringing you back here the moment they start fishing the corpses up." "And now over to the Hansklein for the start of the marathon for incontinents." "Well, we put in for this event 44 competitors from 29 different countries, all of them with the most superbly weak bladders." "Not a tight slinter in sight." "Ready to embark, nevertheless, on the world's longest race and they're just aching to go!" "On your marks!" "Get set!" "And they're off!" "They're off!" "Well..." "Well, back at the 1500 meters and the starter's putting up a magnificent show!" "We've had scattered random fire, fuselage firing." "It's enough to make you chew your own foot off!" "And now the high jump!" "Katerina Ovelenskij, Soviet Union!" "But what a jump!" "What a jump!" "That got to be a record!" "And here we are at the 3000 meter steeplechase for people who think they're chickens!" "There's Samuelsson of the United States, and over there is Klaus of East Germany!" "He's been there for the last three olympics." "There's the leader, Abe Seagull of Canada" "Very good start wait to the water jump, and has now gone loopy." "Now we are back with the marathon for incontinents once again." "There's Polinski of Poland in the lead, and-and now Brewer of Australia is taking over!" "And so now it is Alvarez of Cuba, followed by the Norwegian Borg." "Now it's Blankievic, Blankievic from Yugoslavia" "Well, well, these must be some of the weakest bladders ever to represent their country!" "And now, let's have a look back at what's going on down on stage!" "Good evening, ladies and bruces!" " Hello, Bruce." " Hello, Bruce." " Hello, Bruce." " Hey, Bruce." "What's all this lot, Bruce?" "It's very nice to be here at the Hollywood Bowl this evening!" "We're all philosophy professors from the University of Wooloomooloo, Australia!" "Hey, Australia, Australia, Australia!" "God love ya!" "I teach Hegelian philosophy," "Bruce here teaches Aristotolean philosophy, and Bruce here is in charge of the sheep dip." "Bloody difficult work, I tell ya!" "I'll tell you what is thirsty work watching this garn of human." "Bruce, why don't you just stick out a few of these little free examples from your..." "All right!" "Now, the reason we do this, ladies and bruces, is frankly over here we find your American beer is a little like making love in a canoe!" "Making love in a canoe?" "It's fucking close to water!" "Well now, we're going to try and raise the tone a little here by singing a nice intellectual song for those two or three of you in the audience..." "Right!" "...who understand these things." "So, here we go!" "Immanuel Kant was a real pissant" "Who was very rarely stable" "Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar" "Who could think you under the table" "David Hume could out-consume" "Schopenhauer and Hegel" "And Wittgenstein was a beery swine" "Who was just as sloshed as Schlegel" "There's nothing Nietszche couldn't teach ya" "'Bout the raising of the wrist" "Socrates himself was permanently pissed" "How do you like that?" "All right!" "Let's hold it a second." "I can see some of these bruces are in a bit of a playful mood tonight." " Ain't that, Bruce?" " Yeah, Bruce." "Some of the ones that don't have straws up their nose." "Anyway, why don't we do something rather..." "Why don't we get some of these guys to sing along with us?" "Ok, I've got the words somewhere." "Right!" "Ready!" "Immanuel Kant was a real pissant" "Who was very rarely stable" "Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy..." "They're a typical Hollywood audience!" "All the kids are on drugs, and all the adults are on roller skates!" "Have we got any..." "have we got anything bigger to put the words up for these rather shortsighted people?" "This is Bruce from the Biology Department." "All right." "Okay, here we go." "Immanuel Kant was a real pissant" "Who was very rarely stable" " Come on!" "Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar" "Who could take you under the table" "David Hume could out-consume" "Schopenhauer and Hegel" "And Wittgenstein was a beery swine" "Who was just as sloshed as Schlegel" "There's nothing Nietszche couldn't teach ya" "'Bout the raising of the wrist" "Socrates himself was permanently pissed" "John Stuart Mill of his own free will" "On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill" "Plato they say could stick it away" "Half a crate of whiskey every day" "Aristotle, Aristotle was a buggar for the bottle" "Hobbes was fond of his Dram" "And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart" ""I drink, therefore I am !"" "Yes Socrates himself is particularly missed" "A lovely little thinker" "But a bugger when he's pissed." "Good morning." "I'm sorry to have kept you waiting, but I'm afraid my walk has become rather silly over these months, so it takes so long to get to the office." "Now,uhm, what was it again?" "Uh, well sir, I-I-I I have got a silly walk and I'd like to obtain government backing to help me develop it." "I see." "Well, may I see this silly walk of yours?" "Oh, yes, certainly." "Yes, I see, tha-tha-that's it, is it?" "Ah, well, yes, that's it." "Yes, yes, yes." "It's not particularly silly, is it?" "Well, ah-ah..." "I mean, the left leg isn't silly at all and the right leg merely does a four dare O'Brian half turn every alternate step." "Yes, but I feel with a federal grant I could make it a lot more silly." "Mr. Stagback, the very real problem is what I find out." "You see, there's defense, education, housing, health, social security, silly walks." "They're all supposed to get the same." "But last year the government spent less on Silly Walks than they did on industrial reorganisation." "We're supposed to get 348 millions pounds a year to cover our entire Silly Walks proposal." " Coffee?" " Yes, please." "Hello, Mrs. Twolumps, could we have two cups of coffee, please." "Yes, Mr. Teabag." "Mad as a hatter." "You see, the Israelis they have a man who can take his own left leg off and swallow it with every alternate step, whereas the Japanese, cunning electronically obsessed little..." "Yes, thank you, Mrs. Twolumps." "You're...you're really interested in silly walks, aren't you?" "Right there!" "Right, well, take a look at this!" "Ooh, that bit of a morning in the high court!" "Oh, oh!" "Oh, I could stamp my little feet at the way those counsels are carrying on." "Oh, don't tell me, love." "Oh, dear, objection here, objection there." "And that nice policeman giving his evidence so well!" " Oh, ah." " Beautiful speaking voice." "And what a body!" " Oh, yeah." " Oh, yeah." "Ooh, ah." "Well, after a bit all I could do was bang me gavel." "You what, love?" " I banged me gavel!" " Oh, get away!" " I did!" " Ooh!" " I did my "silence in court" bit." " Oh." "If looks could have killed, that prosecuting counsel would have been in for thirty years." " Hum-hum!" " How did your summing-up go?" "Uh, well, I did my box voice, you know, "what the jury must understand", and they loved it!" " Ah." "I could see that little curly-headed foreman of the jury eyeing me!" " Really?" " Oh, yeah." "Cheating devil." "I finished up with, I got really strict:" ""The actions of these vicious men are a violent state upon the community and the four pounds of the law is scarcely sufficient to deal with their ghastly crimes!"" " Oh, yeah?" "And I waggled me wig!" "Whoaaoha!" " You waggled you what?" " I waggled me wig!" "Really?" " Ah, the only thing I waggled!" " Ooh..." " Ever so slightly, stood in effect." " Ooh!" "Anyway, I gave him three years." "Merely took ten minutes." "Ooh...well, as I said to Melvin Belly the other day, you know:" ""You can put it in the hand of your attorneys, but it'll never stand up in court!"" "Good evening." "Tonight on World Forum we are deeply privileged to have with us Karl Marx, the founder of modern socialism and author of the Communist Manifesto," "Vladimir Ilitch Ulyanov, better known to the world as Lenin, leader of the Russian Revolution, writer, statesman, and father of modern socialism," "Che Guevara, the Bolivian guerilla leader, and Mao Tse-tung, chairman of the Chinese Communist Party since 1949." "And the first question is for you, Karl Marx." ""The Hammers."" ""The Hammers" is the nickname of what English football team?" ""The Hammers." No?" "Well, bad luck, Karl." "It is, in fact, West Ham United." "Now, Che Guevara." "Che..." "Coventry City last won the English football cup in what year?" "No?" "I can tell no further question." "Anybody else?" "Coventry City last won the English Football Cup in what year?" "No, I'm not surprised you didn't get that." "It is in fact a trick question." "Coventry City have never won the English Football Cup." "So now with the scores all even, it's on to Round 2, and Lenin, you start at the $10." "Jerry Lee Lewis has had over 17 major solid gold hits in the U.S. of A." "What's the name of the biggest?" "Jerry Lee Lewis' solid gold biggie?" "No?" "Yes, Mao Tse-tung?" ""Great Balls of Fire?"" "Yes, it was indeed!" "Very well challenged." "Well, now we come on to our third round." "Our contestant tonight is Karl Marx and our special prize is this beautiful lounge suite!" "Uh, Karl has elected to answer questions on workers' control of factories, so here we go with question number one." "You, nervous, Karl?" "Just a little." "Well, never mind pal, have a go!" "The development of the industrial proletariat is conditioned by what other development?" "The development of the industrial bourgeoisie." "Good!" "Yes, it is indeed!" "Well done, Karl!" "You're on your way to a lounge suite!" "Now Karl, number two." "The struggle of class against class is a what struggle?" "A political struggle." "Good!" "Yes, it is indeed." "Well done, Karl!" "One final question, and that beautiful non-materialistic lounge suite will be yours!" "Ready, Karl?" "You're a brave man." "Your final question:" "Who won the English Football Cup in 1949?" "Uhuh, the workers' control of means of production?" "The-the struggle of the urban proletariat?" "Uh, no, it was Wolverhampton Wanderers who beat Leicester 3-1." "Oh, shit!" "Get out of here!" "Well, no one leaves this show empty-handed, so we're gonna cut off his hands." "Well, now it's talent spotting time, ladies and gentlemen, and please see if you can spot any talent in our next competitors?" "Will you please give a very big hand and a warm welcome to Carl Weetabix and Rita!" "I'm the urban spaceman, baby," "I've got speed, I've got everything I need" "I'm the urban spaceman, baby," "I couldn't fly, I'm a supersonic guy" "I don't need pleasure, I don't feel pain, if you were to knock me down, I'd just get up again" "I'm the urban spaceman, baby," "I'm making out, I'm all about" "I wake up every morning with a smile upon my face" "My natural exuberance spills out all over the place" "I'm the urban spaceman, baby," "I'm intelligent and clean, know what I mean" "I'm the urban spaceman, as you lovers second to none, it's a lot of fun" "I never let my friends down," "I could have made a boop" "I'm a glossy magazine, an advert on the tube" "I'm the urban spaceman, baby, here comes the twist" "I don't exist" " Mr. Hilton?" " Ah, yes." "You are sole proprietor and owner of the Whizzo Chocolate Company?" " I am." "Constable Parrot and I are from the Hygiene Squad..." " Oh, yes." " ...and we'd like to have a word with you about your box of chocolates entitled "The Whizzo Quality Assortment."" "Ah, good, yes." "If I may begin at the beginning." "First, there is the Cherry Fondue." "Now this is extremely nasty, but we can't prosecute you for that!" "Agreed." "Next we have number four, "Crunchy Frog."" "Ah, yes." "Am I right in thinking there's a real frog in here?" "Yes, a little one." " Is it cooked?" " No." "What?" "A raw frog?" "We use only the finest baby frogs, due picked and flown from Iraq, cleansed in the finest quality spring water, lightly killed, and sealed in a milk chocolate envelope, and lovingly frosted with glucose!" "That's as maybe, but it's still a frog!" "What else would it be?" "What!" "Don't even take the bones out?" "If we took the bones out, it wouldn't be crunchy, would it?" "Constable Parrot ate one of those!" "Would you excuse me for a moment, sir?" "Yes." "Well, it says "Crunchy Frog" quite clearly." "They'll never mind that." "We have to protect the public." "People aren't going to think there's a real frog in chocolate." "The superintendent thought it was ----." "They're bound to think it's some sort of mock frog." "Mock frog?" "!" "We use no artificial preservatives or additives of any kind!" "Nevertheless, I advise you to in future change the words "Crunchy Frog"" "with the legend "Crunchy, raw, unboned, real, dead frog"" "if you want to avoid prosecution." "What about our sales?" "I don't give a damn about your sales." "We have to protect the public!" "Now, what was this one?" "Number five." "It was number five, wasn't it?" "Number five: "Ram's Bladder Cup!"" "Now what kind of confection is this?" "We use choices to juicy chunks of fresh Cornish ram's bladder, emptied, steamed, flavored with sesame seeds, whipped into a fondue, and garnished with larks' vomit!" " Larks' vomit?" " Correct." "It doesn't say anything down here about larks' vomit!" "Ah, yes, it does, on the bottom of the box, after monosodium glutamate." "I hardly think this is good enough!" "It would be more appropriate if the box bore a big red label." ""Warning:" "Larks' Vomit!"" "Our sales would plummet!" "Well, why don't you move into more conventional areas of confectionery, like praline or lime cream, a very popular flavor I'm met to understand, or Strawberry Delight?" "I mean, what's this one?" ""Cockroach Cluster?"" "And this, "Anthrax Ripple?"" "And what's this one, "Spring Surprise?"" "Aaah, that's our speciality!" "Covered in darkest, dowdy, smooth chocolate, when you pop it in your mouth, stainless steel bolts sprint out and punch straight through both cheeks!" "If people pop a nice chocky in their mouth they don't expect to get their cheeks pierced!" "In any case, it is an inadequate description of the sweet in it!" "I shall have to ask you to accompany me to the station." " It's a fair cop." " And don't talk to the audience!" "Albatross!" "Albatross!" "Albatross!" "You're not supposed to be smoking that!" "Albatross!" "Don't take them!" "What flavor is it?" "What flavor is it?" "Seagullsickle!" "Pelican-bonbon!" "Albatross!" "Could I have..." "Could I have two ice-creams, please?" "I haven't got any ice-creams, I just got this albatross!" "Albatross!" "Uh, what flavor is it?" "Well, it is an albatross, isn't it?" "There's no bloody flavor!" "Albatross!" "There's gotta be some flavor, I mean everything's got a flavor" "All right, all right!" "It's bloody albatross flavor!" "Bleedin' seabird, bleeding' flavor!" "Albatross!" "Do you get wafers with it?" "Of course you don't have fucking wafers with it, you cunt!" "It's a fucking albatross, I mean..." "Stop that!" "Stop that!" "It's filthy!" "Come along!" "Right now, we need you!" "The one in the black, we need you for another skit on stage." "And you, get off!" "You're not even a proper woman!" "Don't you oppress me, mate!" "What are you trying to do?" "Avoid registration or something?" "Bleedin' sexist!" "Come on, we need you for a skit!" "No one enjoys a good laugh more than I do." "Except perhaps for my wife and some of her friends." "Oh, yes, and Captain Johnson." "Come to think of it, most people enjoy a good laugh more than I do, but that's beside the point." "Right!" "Let's get on with this skit!" "Where's the other person for this skit?" "Right, you want to sit in that chair?" "And...cue...the...skit!" "Evening, squire!" "Good evening." "Is your...is your wife a goer?" "Eh?" "Know what I mean?" "Know what I mean?" "Nudge, nudge!" "Know what I mean?" "Say no more!" "I-I..." "I beg your pardon?" "Your...your wife." "Does she go,eh?" "Does she go, eh?" "Eh?" "Huh, sometimes she has to go, yes." "I bet she does!" "I bet she does!" "Say no more!" "Say no more!" "Know what I mean?" "Nudge, nudge!" "I'm afraid I don't quite follow you" "Oh, "follow me, follow me"?" "That's good, that's very good!" "A nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat!" "Are...are you selling something?" ""Selling, selling"...very good indeed!" "You're wicked, you are, eh?" "Wicked, eh?" "Ho-ho-ho!" "Whoa!" "Wicked!" "Say no more!" "Whoa!" "So your wife's interested in...in sport?" "Eh?" "Ah, she likes sport, yes." "I bet she does!" "I bet she does!" "As a matter of fact, she's very fond of cricket." "She likes "games", eh?" "Likes "games"?" "Knew she would, she's been around a bit, eh?" " She's been around?" " Well, she has travelled, yes." "She's from Glendale." "Say no more!" "Glendale, squire?" "Say no more!" "Say no more!" "Say no more!" "Say no more!" "Well..." "Is your...is your Glendale wife interested in... photography?" "Eh?" "Eh?" "Eh?" "Photography?" ""Photographs, eh?" he asked him knowingly!" "Photography?" "Snap, snap, grin, grin, wing, wing, nudge, nudge, say no more!" "Sort of...holiday snaps, eh?" "They could be, they could be taken on holiday, you know!" "Swimming costumes, candid..." "you know, "candid" photography?" "No, we don't have a camera!" "Ah." "Still, whoahaah!" "Eh?" "Whoahaah!" "Eh?" "Whoahaah!" "Eh?" "Whoahaahaha!" "Huhuh!" "Look, are you insinuating something?" "Oh, no, no, no ...yes!" "Well?" "Why, I mean, you're a man of the world, squire, you know... you're...you've been around, you know?" "What do you mean?" "Well, I mean, like, you've..." "you know, you..." "like... you've done it, you know..." "you've slept... with a lady?" "Yes." "What's it like?" "Good afternoon, and welcome to a packed Olympic stadium in Munchen for the second leg of this exciting final." "And here comes the Germans now, led by their skipper "Lobby" Hegel." "They must truly be favorites this afternoon." "They've certainly attracted the most attention from the press with their team problems." "And let's now see their line-up :" "The Germans playing 4-2-4," "Leibniz in goal, back four Kant, Hegel, Schopenhauer and Schelling, front runners Schlegel, Wittgenstein, Nietzsche and Heidegger, and the midfield duo of Beckenbauer and Jaspers." "Beckenbauer obviously a bit of a surprise there." "And here come the Greeks, led off by their veteran centerhalf Herakleitos." "Let's look at their team :" "As it's expected it's a much more defensive line-up." "Plato's in goal, Socrates is a front runner there, and Aristotle as sweeper." "Aristotle, very much the man in form." "One surprise is the inclusion of Archimedes." "Well, here comes the referee:" "Con-Fu-Cu, Confucius and his two linesmen, St. Augustian and St. Thomas Acquinus." "And as the two skippers come together to shake hands we're ready for the start of this very exciting final.." "The referee, Mr. Confucius, checks his hand and...they're off!" "Nietzsche and Hegel there, old Jaspers, number seven, on the outside," "Wittgenstein there with him, there's Beckenbauer," "Schelling there," "Heidegger covering, Schopenhauer, and now it's the Greeks." "Epikuros, we find him number six," "Aristotle, Empedokles and Deraklites, and Demokrites with him, there's Archimedes, Socrates, there he is, Socrates," "Socrates there going through... there's the ball, there's the ball." "We'll be bringing you back to this exciting contest the moment anything interesting happens." "Very fussable, isn't it?" "Very fussable." "Right, all right." "Good glass of Château de Chasselas, ain't just that, sire?" "Oh, you're right there, Obadiah." "Right." "Who would have thought, thirty years ago, we'd all be sitting here drinking Chateau de Chaselet, eh?" "Aye, aye." "Them days we were glad to have the price of a cup of tea." " Right!" "A cup of cold tea!" " Right!" "Without milk or sugar!" "Or tea!" "In a cracked cup and all." "Oh, we never used to have a cup!" "We used to have to drink out of a rolled-up newspaper!" "The best we could manage was to suck on a piece of damp cloth." "But you know, we were happy in those days, although we were poor." " Because we were poor!" " Right!" "My old dad used to say to me:" ""Money doesn't bring you happiness, son!"" " He was right!" " Right!" "I was happier then and I had nothing!" "We used to live in this tiny old tumbled-down house with great big holes in the roof." "House!" "You were lucky to live in a house!" "We used to live in one room, all twentysix of us, no furniture, half the floor was missing, we were all huddled together in one corner for fear of falling." "You were lucky to have a room!" "We used to have to live in the corridor!" "Oh, we used to dream of living in a corridor!" "Would have been a palace to us!" "We used to live in an old watertank on a rubbish tip." "We'd all woke up every morning by having a load of rotten fish dumped all over us!" "House, huh!" "Well, when I say a house, it was just a hole in the ground, covered by a sheet of tarpaulin, but it was a house to us!" "We were evicted from our hole in the ground." "We had to go and live in a lake!" "You were lucky to have a lake!" "There were 150 of us living in a shoebox in the middle of the road!" " A cardboard box?" " Aye!" "You were lucky!" "We lived for three months in a rolled-up newspaper in a septic tank!" "We used to have to go up every morning, at six o'clock and clean the newspaper, go to work down the mill, fourteen hours a day, week in, week out, for six pence a week, and when we got home," "our dad would slash us to sleep with his belt!" "Luxury!" "We used to have to get up out of the lake at three o'clock in the morning, clean the lake, eat a handful of hot grubble, work twenty hours a day at mill, for two pence a month, come home," "and dad would beat us around the head and neck with a broken bottle, if we were lucky!" "Well, of course, we had it tough!" "We used to have to get up out of the shoebox in the middle of the night, and lick the road clean with our tongues!" "We had to eat half a handful of freezing cold grubble, work twenty-four hours a day at mill for four pence every six years, and when we got home, our dad would slice us in two with a breadknife!" "Right!" "I had to get up in the morning at ten o'clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of cold poison, work twenty-nine hours a day down mill and pay millowner for permission to come to work," "and when we got home, our dad would kill us and dance about on our graves, singing Hallelujah!" "Are you trying to tell the young people of today that, and they won't believe you!" "No, no they won't!" "Well, there may be no score, but there's certainly no lack of excitement here, as you can see," "Nietzsche has just been booked for arguing with the referee." "He accused Confucius of having no free will, and Confucius he say name going book, and this is Nietszche's third booking in four games." "And, oh, that is Karl Marx." "Karl Marx is warming up, it looks as if it is going to be a substitution on the German side." "Obviously manager Martin Luther has decided on all-out attack and indeed he must, with only two minutes of the match to go." "But the big question is:" "Who is going to be replaced?" "Who is gonna come off?" "It could be Jaspers, Hegel or Schopenhauer." "But it's Wittgenstein!" "And here's Marx!" "Let's see if he can put some light in this German attack." "Evidently not." "What a shame." "Well, now, with just over a minute left, replay on Tuesday looks absolutely vital." "There's Archimedes, and I think he's had an idea!" "Eureka!" "Archimedes out to Socrates, Socrates back to Archimedes," "Archimedes out to Herakleitos, he beat Hegel," "Herakleitos is a little flick, here comes on the bardboard Socrates," "Socrates is there!" "It is in!" "The Greeks are going mad!" "The Greeks are going there," "Socrates scores, beautiful counter the Germans are disputing it!" "Hegel is arguing about ethics," "Kant by the categoric imperative is holding that ultimologically possessed only in the imagination and Marx is claiming it was off-side!" "But Confucius blows the final whistle it's all over!" "Germany, having chanced England's famous midfield trio" "Vincent, Mogalov in the semifinal, have been beaten by the odd goal!" "And let's see it again!" "There it is, Socrates," "Socrates heads it in, and Leibniz somehow has no chance!" "And just look at those delighted Greeks!" "There they are, chopper Sokrates, Empedokles, and Deraklites!" "What a game here!" "And Epikuros is there, and Sokrates, the captain who scored what must probably be the most important goal of his career!" "Ooh!" "Good afternoon, sir." "May I help you?" "Yes, I'd like to have an argument, please." "Certainly, sir." "Uhm, have you been here before?" "Ah, no, this is my first time." "I see." "Well, do you want to have just one argument or were you thinking of taking a course?" "Well, uh, what is the cost?" "Yes, it's one pound for a five-minute argument, but only eight pounds for a course of ten." "Well, I think I'll just try the one and see how it goes from there." "Fine." "Ah, yes, try Mr. Barnard, Room 12." "Thank you very much." "What do you want?" " Well, I just was..." " Don't give me that, you snorty-faced pair of parrot droppings!" "Shut your festering gob, you tit!" "Your type make me puke, you vacuous stuffing old malodrious pervert!" "Listen, I came here for an argument!" "Oh, oh, I'm sorry, but this is Abuse!" " Oh, oh, I see!" " Hahaha!" " Terribly sorry." " No, you want Room 12A, next door." " Oh, I see." "Thank you very much." " Not at all." "Stupid git..." "Uh, is this the right room for an argument?" "I told you once." " Uh, no, you haven't." " Yes, I have." " When?" " Just now." " No, you didn't." " Yes, I did." " I'm telling you I did!" " You most certainly did not!" "Wait a moment, is this the five-minute argument or the full half hour?" "Oh, oh, I see." "Just the five-minute." "Just the five minutes..." "Right, thank you." " Anyway, I did." " Oh, no, you didn't." "Now let's get one thing absolutely clear." " I most definitely told you." " No, you didn't." " Yes, I did." " No, you didn't." "Oh, look, this isn't an argument!" " Yes, it is!" " No, it isn't!" "It's just contradiction!" " No, it isn't!" " It is!" " It is not!" " It is!" "You just contradicted me!" " I did not!" " You did!" " No, no, no!" " You did just that!" " Nonsense!" " Oh, this is futile!" "No, it isn't." "Yes, it is." "I came here for a good argument." "No, you didn't." "You came here for an argument." "Yes, but an argument isn't just contradiction!" " Well, can be." " No, an argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition." " No, it isn't!" " Yes, it is!" "It isn't just contradiction!" "Look, if I argue with you, I must take a contrary position." "Yes, but that isn't just saying "No, it isn't!"" " Yes, it is!" " No, it isn't!" " Yes, it is!" " Argument is an intellectual process." "Contradiction is just a automatic gain-say of anything the other person says!" "It is not!" " It is!" " Not at all!" " Now look..." "Thank you!" "Good morning!" "What?" "That's it!" "Good morning!" "I was just getting interested!" "Uh, I'm sorry, the five minutes is up!" "That was never five minutes, just now!" " I'm afraid it was." " Oh, no, it wasn't." "I'm sorry, I'm..." "I'm not allowed to argue anymore." "What?" "If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five minute." "But that was never five minutes, just now!" "Oh, come on!" "Oh, this is ridiculous!" "If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five minutes!" "Oh, all right." "Here you are." "Thank you." " Well?" " Well what?" "That was never five minutes, just now!" "I told you, if you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five minutes." "Yes, yes, well, I've just paid!" " No, you didn't!" " I did!" " You did not!" " I did!" " You never..." " I did!" "Oh, what are we even arguing about!" "Well, I'm very sorry, but you didn't pay!" "Aha!" "But if I didn't pay, why are you arguing?" "Ahaaa!" "Got you!" " No, you haven't." "Yes, I have." "If, you're arguing, I must have paid." "Not necessarily." "I could be arguing in my spare time." " Oh, I've had enough of this!" " No, you haven't!" " Yes, I have!" " No, you haven't!" "I've got two legs from my hips to the ground" "And when I lift them they walk around" "And when I lift them they climb the stairs" "And when I shave them they ain't got hairs" "How sweet to be an idiot" "As harmless as a cow" "Too small to hide the sun" "Almost poking fun" "At the warm but insecure untidy crowd" "How sweet to be an idiot" "And dip my brain in joy" "Children laughing at my back" "With no fear of attack" "As much retaliation as a toy" "How sweet to be an idiot" "How sweet" "I tiptoe down the street" "Smile at everyone I meet" "But suddenly a scream" "Smashes through my dream" "Fi fa fo fum" "I smell blood of an asylum" "Hey you" "You're such a pedant" "You've got as much brain as a dead ant" "As much imagination as a caravan site" "But I still love you" "Still love you" "How sweet to be an idiot" "How sweet" "How sweet" "How sweet" " Good morning." " Oh, good morning." "Uhm, have you come to arrange a holiday or would you like a blow job?" "I'm sorry?" "Uh, oh, you've come to arrange a holiday?" " Uuh...yes." " Oh, sorry, sorry." "Now, where were you thinking of going?" "Uh, to India." " Ah, one of our adventure holidays." " Yes, that's right." "Well, you'd better see Mr. Bounder about that." "Uh, Mr. Bounder, this gentleman is interested in the "India Overland"" "and nothing else." "Ah." "Hello, I'm Bounder of Adventure." "Oh, hello." "My name is Smoketoomuch." "What?" "My name is Smoketoomuch." "Mr. Smoketoomuch." "Well, you'd better cut down a little then." " I'm sorry?" " You'd better cut down a little then." "Oh, I see!" "Smoke too much so I'd better cut down a little then!" "Yes." "Ooh, it's going to get people making jokes about your name all the time, eh?" "No, actually, it never struck me before." "Smoketoomuch..." "Anyway, you're interested in one of our holidays, are you?" "Yes, that's right." "I saw your advert in the blassified ads." " The what?" " In The Times Blassified Ads." "Ah, The Times Classified Ads." "Yes, that's right." "I'm afraid I have a speech impediment." "I can't pronounce the letter B." " Uh, C." " Yes, that's right, B." "It's all due to a trauma I suffered when I was a schoolboy." " I was attacked by a Siamese bat." " Uh, ah, a Siamese cat." "No, a Siamese bat." "They're more dangerous." "Listen...can you say the letter K?" "Oh, yes." "Khaki, kettle, Kipling, Khomeini, Kellog's Born Flakes." "Well, why don't you say the letter K instead of the letter C?" "Well, you mean, pronounce "blassified" with a K?" "Yes, absolutely!" " Classified!" " Good!" "Oh, it's very good!" "I never thought of that before." "What a silly bunt." "Now then, uhm, about the holiday..." "Yes, well, I've been unpackaged store many times before, so your advert really bought my eye." "Good, good, jolly good, well, let me offer you this..." "Why-why, what's the point of going abroad, if your just going to be treated like a sheep?" "Cartered around in buses surrounded by sweaty mindless oaves" " from Vetchy and Boventry." " Absolutely." "They've blothed backs and their bardigans and their chances to radios, complaining about the tea or they don't make it properly, do they?" "And stopping at endless Majorcan bodegas selling fish and chips and Rodney's Red Barrel and calamares and toothache." "And sitting in their cotton sunfrost, squirting Timothy White Suncream all over their puffy, raw, swollen, parollen flesh, 'cos they overdid it on the first day." "Yes, I know just what you mean!" "Now, what we offer is..." "Being herded into countless Hotel Miramars and Bellevues," "Bontinentals with their international luxury modern roomettes..." " Oh, yes." "...and swimming pools full of draft Red Barrel and fat German businessmen pretending to be acrobats and forming pyramids and frightening the children and..." " Oh, yes." "...barging into the cues." "And if you're not at your table..." " Oh, yes." "...spot on seven you miss your bowl of Campbell's Cream and Mushroom Soup, the first item in the menu of International Cuisine." " Absolutely." "Now what we have here is..." " Every Thursday night there's a bloody cabaret in the bar featuring some tiny dego with nine-inch hips and some fat bloated tart with her hair really creamed down and big arse presenting flamenco to foreigners." " Will you be quiet, please?" " from Birmingham with bloody right" " Will you be quiet?" " legs and diarrhea trying to pick up hairy, bandy legs ,whop degos called Manuel." " Be-be quiet!" "And once a week there's an excursion to local Roman remains, where you can buy Cherry Aid and melted ice cream" " Be quiet!" " and bleeding' Rodney's Red Barrel." " Shut up!" "And one night they take you to a typical restaurant with local..." " Shut up!" "...atmosphere and color and you sit next to a..." " Shut up!" "...party from Relu who keep singing" ""I love the Costa Brava!"" " Shut up!" ""I love the Costa Brava!" And you get cornered by some drunken green grocer from Luton with an Instamatic camera and last Tuesday's daily express..." " Please be quiet!" "...and he's on and on and on about how it is running the country and how many languages Margaret Powell can speak and she throws up all over the cuba libre." "And spending four days on the tarmac at Luton Airport on a five-day package store with nothing to eat but dry sandwhiches." " Shut up!" "Please shut up!" "And you can't even get a glass of Rodney's Red Barrel because you're still in England with the bloody bar closes every time you're thirsty." "And the kids are crying and vomiting and breaking the plastic ashtrays." "They keep telling you won't be another hour, but you know damn well your plane is still in Iceland, because it had to turn back, trying to take a party of Swedes to..." "oh, Shut up!" "...to take a party of Swedes to Yugoslavia." "Of course it loads you up there at 3 a.m. in the morning." "And then you sit on the tarmac for four hours because of unforeseen difficulties, i.e. the permanent strike of airtraffic control over Paris." "When you finally get to Malaga airport, everybody's cueing for the bloody toilet, and cueing for the bloody half-customs officers, and cueing for the bloody bus that isn't there, waiting to take you to the hotel" "that hasn't yet been built." "When you finally get to the half-built ruin called the Hotel Limassol, while paying half the holiday money to a license Spaniard in a taxi, there's no water in the pool, there's no water in the bath, there's no water in the tap," "there's only a bleeding lizard in the bidet and half the rooms are doublebooked, and you can't sleep anyhow, 'cause the permanent are in the jungles in the hotel next door." "Meanwhile, the Spanish National Tourist Board promises that the raging cholera epidemic is merely a mild outbreak of the Spanish Conleigh, while the like of the previous outbreak in 1616 even the bloody rats are dying from it!" "As early as the late 14th century, or indeed as late as the early 14th century, the earliest forms of japes were divisible in..." "Meanwhile, the bloody guardia are arresting 16-yearolds for kissing in the streets" "everybody's buying awful little horrid donkeys with their names on," "I can't tell you the...- and when you finally get to Manchester," "there's only another bloody bus to carry you another 60 miles..." "As early as the late 14th century or indeed as late as the early 14th century, the earliest forms of jape were divisible into the two categories in which I now intend to divide them." "The earliest manifestation of the basic simple precipitation jest incurred, as will be seen from the demonstration, a disproportional amount of internal resibility on the part of the operator." "The secondary precipitation occurs when both protagonists and dupe are located indoors." "It is true, however, that this has involved the development of a special piece of machinery." "But it is still no more than a simple variation of primary precipitation." "The opening-up of the African continent revealed a vast new source of wealth for humourous exploatation." "We are to see demonstrated how this was adapted to the basic precipitation jape." "We now come on to a considera..." "We now come on to a consideration of the more sophisticated transitive mode of japing, in which as we'll observe, the operator or inceptor remains totally unaware of the humorous implications of his action." "First...first we are to see the simple sideswipe or "wop."" "Hey, Vance!" "Next, the "sideswipe and return."" "Hey, Vance!" "And now, the "double sideswipe and return."" "Hey, Vance!" "Popular as this jest has always been, however, it cannot compare with the ribbled connotations associated with the dispatch of an edible missile." "First...first the simple straightforward "offensive deposit."" "Second...second the simple "sideways offensive deposit."" "Next, the simple "surprise deposit."" "And now, the "foul pie."" "Uh, could we have new pies, please?" "Finally, finally we move on to the interesting but little known variant, normally designated the "three-course complex."" "But...but finally we must not forget the enjoyment, the satisfaction, and the edification to be derived from the simple straightforward" ""sideways completely unexpected deposit."" "Once upon a time there was a little house in a dark forest." "In this house lived a humble woodcutter and his wife" "and their pretty daughter, Little Red Riding Hood." "And in the middle of this deep, dark forest, there lived a vicious wolf!" "One day, Little Red Riding Hood sent off to take some things to her old grandmother who lived deep in the forest." "The vicious wolf saw Little Red Riding Hood and thought:" ""She looks very good to eat!"" ""Where are you going my, pretty one?"" ""Oh, kind sir, to my grandmother's."" ""Ha, ha, ha, ha!" snirked the wicked wolf and dashed off through the forest to grandmother's house." ""Knock, knock, knock" went the wicked wolf." "The door opened wide, but it wasn't grandmother who opened it." "It was Buzz Aldrin, America's #2 spaceman!" "But this was not Granny's little house at all, but the headquarter of NASA, the American space research agency." "The wicked wolf was shot by security guards." "So all was quiet in the forest again." "The humble woodcutter and his wife sold their story to Der Speigel for 40 000 DM." "NASA agreed to limit the number of nuclear tests in Granny's little house to two on Thursdays and one on Saturdays after tea." "Liberal rubbish!" "What do you want with your jugged fish, Klaus?" "Pardon, my wide-thighed plum?" "What do you want with your jugged fish, you clothied git?" " Hallibut!" " The jugged fish is hallibut!" "All right." "What fish do you have that is not jugged?" " Uuh, rabbit." " What, rabbit fish?" " Well, it's all covered in fur." " Well, is it dead?" "Well, it was coughing up blood last night." "All right, I'll have the dead, unjugged rabbit fish." "Apalling!" "Oh, you're always complaining." " What's for afterwards?" " Well, there's rat pie, rat pudding, rat sorbet or, uh, strawberry tart." " Strawberry tart?" " Well, uh, it's got some rat in it." " How much?" "Six." "Rather a lot really." "I'll have a slice without so much rat in it." "Apalling!" ""Moan, moan, moan!"" " Hello, mom!" "Hello, dad!" " Hello, son!" "There's a dead bishop on the landing!" " Where...where's he from?" " What do you mean?" "What's his diocese?" "Well, he looked a bit Canterburyish to me." "I'll go and have a look." " I know which's bringing them in here." " Well, it's not me." "I put three out by the trashcans last week and the garbagemen won't touch them." " It's the bishop of Leicester!" " How do you know?" "Tatooed on the back of his neck!" "I think I'd better call the police!" "Should you call the church?" " Call the church police!" " That's a good idea!" "The church police!" "Hello!" "What's all this then?" "Amen!" " Are you the church police?" " Oh, yes!" "There's another dead bishop on the landing, sergeant!" "Detective Paerson, madam!" "What is he?" "R.C. or C.V.?" " How should I know?" " Tatooed on the back of their neck!" "Here, is that rat tart?" "Oh, uh, yes." "Disgusting!" "Right, men!" "The hunt is on!" "Let us kneel in prayer!" "Oh, Lord!" "Oh, Lord, we deseach thee." "Let us know, who killed the Bishop of Leicester." "The one in the braces, he done it." "It's a fair cop, but society is to blame." "Right, we'll arrest them instead!" "Come on, you!" "Are you in society?" "Are you in society?" "Ho, ho, ho, ho..." "Right, we'd like to conclude this arrest with a hymn." "The whole thing's bright and beautiful, all creatures great and small." "The whole thing's bright and wonderful..." "I never wanted to be in such a shambledy sketch." "I always wanted to be...a lumberjack!" "Leaping from tree to tree... as they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia!" "The larch...the redwood... the mighty sequioa..." "with my best girl by my side!" "The giant deadwood, the spruce ...the little Californian root tree!" "We'd sing, sing, sing!" "I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK, I sleep all night and I work all day." "He's a lumberjack and he's OK, he sleeps all night and he works all day." "I cut down trees, I eat my lunch, I go to the lavatory." "On Wednesdays I go shopping, and have buttered scones for tea." "He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch, he goes to the lavatory." "On Wednesdays he goes shopping, and has buttered scones for tea." "I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK, I sleep all night and I work all day." "I cut down trees, I skip and jump, I like to press wild flowers." "I put on women's clothing, and hang around in bars." "He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps, he likes to press wild flowers." "He puts on women's clothing, and hangs around in bars?" "I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK, I sleep all night and I work all day ." "I cut down trees, I wear high heels, suspenders and a bra." "I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear papa." "He cuts down trees, he wears high heels, suspenders and a bra?" "What kind of god damn fairy cunny fairy faggot..." "I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK, I sleep all night and I work all day." "I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK!"