"So you've had your Labour, reclassifying skunk, sending prices sky-high, literally..." "literally!" "... taking the grass from its own roots." "And now you've got your "ConDem nation"..." "Liberals noshing Tories like altar boys picking dimps up!" "Have we had a national fucking stroke, or what?" "Is revolution a word, or was it never?" "Anybody watching needs to know, we cope better than average with irony in Chatsworth." "Well, for fuck's sake, we live in Manchester, and they charge us for water!" "I wandered lonely as a clown, necking mushrooms rarely found." "This green and pleasant land in ancient times..." "Yak-yak-yak-yak-yak-yak-yak-yak-yak!" "It's not theirs any more." "This is our England now!" "Paaaarty!" "'There was a lad in our school, called Deano." "'Hard little bastard, from a long line of hard little bastards." "'One day at school assembly, we were told he'd been knocked over 'and was in a coma." "'And we cheered." "Everyone cheered." "'And the teachers said nothing." "'They hated the fucker just as much as we did." "'But when he eventually came back to school, he'd changed." "'Within two years, he'd sat his GCSEs and passed the lot." "'Only one in the school that did.'" "Hello?" "Patty?" "What the fuck are you doing?" "What the fuck are YOU doing?" "Ask what?" "I don't like this." "That's not a question... try again." "I don't want this... why am I here?" "I've already given your answer." "No, you haven't." "What the fuck are you doing?" "Fuck!" "I work here!" "No, you don't!" "I think you'll find I do..." "what's left of it." "Oh, fuck!" "All right, Cuz..." "good to see you back on your feet." "Where am I supposed to live?" "Where's Uzma?" "Glasgow." "Sends her love." "Everything's gonna be all right." "We're decorating the spare room at Granddad's for you..." "got a little job lined up, too." "All that time I was in hospital, you've been planning this... no wonder I didn't get any fucking visitors!" "Sorry, mate..." "I was gonna drop in tonight." "Been mad busy getting this place on the market." "Doesn't Granddad usually take care of that?" "He's in Pakistan." "Hiya, Granddad." "How was the wedding?" "Oh, lovely, that." "Try not to think of this as something ending... think of it as something just about to begin!" "If I were shipwrecked on a desert island with him, I would." "Well, I think he's nice for his age..." "he's a good-looking man." "He's a good-looking ex-priest." "He'd smell of incense and communion wine... the guilt'd dry me up." "What do you think, Karen?" "Dom." "Only one man for me... he's the best-looking man on the Chatsworth." "What d'you think, G?" "He's too pretty for my taste." "He's embarrassed!" "Eh, that's a sight I've never seen before, Mr Maguire!" "Go 'ed, son!" "White wine?" "Mad busy." "I've had to service a couple meself." "The kid with the granny fixation, the bloke with the runny eyes and the labrador." "What was it you wanted to see me about?" "I need you to come back, Kel, we're run off us feet." "Business doing well, then?" "Yeah, but the hours go against the European Work/Time Directive." "We still need help." "We need some new recruits!" "You can't advertise for 'em in the evening news... you'll be arrested!" "It's soliciting!" "Says "massage services"." ""Back-door experience essential, girl-on-girl required as and when."" "We need staff and we need 'em now." "The girls haven't even been for a wax." "Their fannies are like welcome mats!" "Hey... welcome back to the land of the living, Ches!" "On the house!" "Just Chesney!" "Must've terrified the life out of you." "Bit of a wake-up call, yeah." "Have to pay out now..." "I was doing a book on you." "Jonesy won the lot..." "over a hundred quid, as well." "How come?" "He was the only one that thought you'd make it." "Top man, Ches, top man." "Rest of us thought you were coming home in a box." "Take no notice... his mouth's wired directly to his arse." "We've been worried about you... run off our feet with the new business, or we'd've dropped by the hozzy." "We did call, but cos we weren't related, wouldn't tell us much." "We miss the shop, Ches, so we're having to do it online now." "Dom pointed out we were all paying £5 to have food delivered to each of our houses." "So now we put in one massive order, delivered to here... entire drop for a fiver!" "You wanna see the points we collected on the loyalty card!" "Loads of messing, though." "Sooner be shopping at yours, Ches." "So when are you opening back up?" "I'm just the Paki in the cornershop to you lot, aren't I?" "Don't be daft." "You're hardly even in the shop!" "I was wondering when I'd get you on your own." "Sorry?" "Let me finish up, I'll walk you home." "There's no need." "Give us a chance to talk..." "Jamie." "Seriously." "Gloria?" "C'mon then." "Your carriage awaits." "You selling up?" "Granddad." "Yeah." "Not like he had much choice, in my humble." "Come 'ere." "You hear that?" "A monster approaching." "A supermarket... dropping its offspring in every postcode in the country." "Soon, you'll be standing in its shadow." "Too big for you to fight." "And, having stuffed cash in the back pocket of every councillor up and down the land, too well-connected for you to challenge." "And it'll raise its big monster foot, bring it down, and you and your shop will be gone." "Just a memory." "I remember when my dad first bought this place." "Hey, you're not facing a firing squad!" "War's over." "Walk." "You're free!" "Yeah." "I am." "Thanks, Frank!" "Ches!" "Give us a hand." "Knees fuse after a while." "Got viewings organised today, mate." "Won't make too good an impression with your undies and jizz mags all over the place." "It's personal stuff!" "Removal van's booked." "Need this place empty by Thursday." "Gas and leccy'll be cut off a week Friday." "Asked them to forward me the bills at base." "Base?" "Grandad's." "Bradford?" "Box what you want, bin what you don't." "Nice little shop lined up for you in Bradford." "Loads of old people, not too much stress." "Keep your head down and you'll reap the rewards..." "Wah!" "Ya!" "Ya!" "Ya!" "Ahhh!" "And in a few years time, if you play your cards right..." "So..." "I'll tell Grandad you're on your way." "No." "Tell him thanks but no thanks." "Thank you very much, Father." "Bless you too." "The Community centre's all yours." "Not being funny, but why are you auditioning hookers?" "To see if they're right for the job." "And surely possessing a fanny makes them right for the job?" "There's a bit more to it than that." "We all know how easy it is to get a man off." "What you have to ensure, Ruby, is that you not only get him off but that you get him back." "Time after time." "Some sort of brand loyalty?" "More often than not, you're giving a man what he doesn't get at home and that can be a combination of a million things." "Don't try and pass off what you do as some sort of psychological balancing act... you fuck for money." "He might crave intimacy." "Give it." "A straightforward, selfish fuck." "Give it." "To talk?" "Let him." "He might want you to tell him he's the best you've ever had and you've been repulsed by everything he's done." "Get them in, get their money, get them out." "It's all about profit." "It's all about the moulah." "And not much else." "It's not exactly skilled labour, is it?" "Says the voice of experience." "You don't need to be in your line of work to know what a man's looking for." "Market research, see who really knows her arse from her elbow." "Yeah, all right, you're on." "I was having a discussion with a friend..." "Well, I say "discussion", I mean argument... and I say "friend", actually she's just some slapper that I know but we were just wondering... exactly what it was men looked for in a woman.." "Experience tells me men crave tenderness!" "A little bit of affection." "After a good spanking." "Obviously." "'A man knows exactly what he's after...' and it ain't chitchat... he can get that from his ma." "If she wasn't dead." "You see, I think all men like a spot of courting." "A bit of getting to know you, nice bit of talk, just to melt the ice..." "Men are ruled directly by their baser instincts." "Evolution's taught them you get in quick, you drop your DNA and get off to the next egg to be fertilised ASAP." "It's a bit of a cliche, isn't it?" "Well, cliches are rooted in truth." "Well, does that truth apply to the Madonna-whore argument?" "No, because that is a bit simplistic." "That's just obvious." "What do you reckon, Mimi?" "Are all women mothers or scrubbers?" "I like to think I'm a bit of both!" "I can get a ton-20 online." "Then go online." "All right, 30 it is." "Class traitor." "Capitalising on the misery of folk forced to sell their possessions to make ends meet." "Stop nicking my stuff!" "Get off!" "Is me SIM in?" "The fuck's a SIM?" "Oh, you're never getting rid of poor old Larry, are you?" "Colin, how many more times?" "We can't take livestock." "We simply don't have the facilities." "Oh!" "Sorry, Larry." "Just a little list of things I wanted to do, not mad things, little dreams I had when I was a kid." "I've always dreamed of having a threesome." "Been there." "Done that." "Twosomes, threesomes, young women, old women..." "Mum and daughter..." "Mile high..." "Pissed up, drugged up, fucked up..." "Tied up, indoor, outdoor..." "Front door, back door..." "Oh, back door!" "Eh, I can help you with that one easy enough." "And I could cover that one, mate." "Yeah?" "Ches, you're up!" "Singing?" "!" "First time for everything, mate." "I've gotta see this!" "One, two, three, ugh!" "♪ My baby don't mess around Because she loves me so" "♪ And this I know for suuuure" "Ugh!" "♪ But does she really want to But can't stand to see me" "♪ Walk out the dooor" "♪ Don't try to fight the feelin'" "♪ Cos the thought alone Is killing me right nooow... ♪" "Sing with me now!" "Yeah!" "Top of the world!" "Stick your helmet on, you mad bastard!" "Oi!" "What the fuck are you doing?" "!" "Ah!" "♪ Hey yaaaa. ♪" "I did not know you had that in you, mate!" "Neither did I!" "Got me thinking about stuff I'd like to do as well." "Go on." "Well, like swimming with dolphins." "That'd be cool, wouldn't it?" "Or jump out of a plane." "That could be arranged." "I think he means with a parachute." "We're talking dreams, aren't we?" "Things you'd like to do if other things in our way." "Exactly!" "Like getting a bit of back door action off Mimi." "Same again, lads?" "Yes, mate." "Can I just have... ugh!" "Ah!" "Shit!" "Me purse has gone." "You're kidding?" "My purse has gone!" "Is there a tealeaf in here?" "!" "Yeah." "You know what I mean, you gang of smart arses!" "Fuck!" "Good day?" "Fucking blinding, as it goes." "Think I've got, maybe, half a dozen people that take their pleasure serious." "Yeah, spoke to a few myself... you know, the young and limber ones?" "I have clients I've known 10 years." "I wasn't even in high school 10 years ago." "Bet you still gave a good blow-job, though." "You are joking, Jamie?" "Drinks are on me next time I'm in." "I owe you an apology." "For not calling." "If your application's successful, I'll supply the condoms and lube." "'Then all you do is lie back and think of Lytham St Annes.'" "Look... it was just a fuck, nothing more and nothing less." "It's Dom." "See, I'm not bothered about a job just yet." "I want to enjoy myself for a bit." "What's that?" "Oh, please, don't Karen." "Where did you get the photo?" "It's ancient." "Lip gave it me." "Years back." "Who for?" "Me... or Wendy?" "Both." "Look, I was 12." "God, I was young." "Can I borrow this?" "Me and Carl used to say we'd ask the both of you out." "Cinema, pizza..." "Hey, Wendy'd still be up for that." "I'll give her a bell." "No!" "Fuck it!" "Yeah, yeah." "Call her." "That'd be brilliant." "What you stuck this in with, Ches?" "What you doing having a shower at this time?" "Spilt a load of ale over myself in the cellar." "I'll put your clothes in the wash." "I've done it." "Getting very domesticated in your old age." "Yeah well, I'm in my prime, me." "Thinking about getting my haircut." "What do you reckon?" "D'you approve?" "Yeah, blonde's good." "Hmm." "I'll take that as a "yes"." "Hey!" "Hey!" "Nice, Ches." "What's that?" "I'm sensing there's a woman involved." "Not just a woman." "Woman of his dreams." "Wet dreams!" "A girl I had a crush on, years back." "Been carrying a bit of a torch for her." "Well, she's agreed to accompany me on a date." "Wine, dine... 69!" "Nah, I want to do this properly." "Nice meal..." "Candlelight, bit of a chat." "Exactly." "Last time we seen each other we were kids." "Now you're all grown up." "Quick one before she turns up, Ches?" "Bit of fluff there..." "Cheers, mate." "So..." "Hope she's worth all this effort." "Yeah, man, she's lovely." "I just can't believe she said yes!" "That why you're so nervous, eh?" "It's a big deal." "Just want to get it right." "Course you do." "I've waited years for this." "All my fuckin' life." "Aye, aye." "Father Craig said they were waiting in here." "Bloody hell!" "I knew jobs were thin on the ground but this is ridiculous!" "You sure everyone's in the right room?" "Can I just ask, is everyone here to see Lillian Tyler?" "Is that for the auditions for the whoring?" "Don't knock it if you haven't tried it!" "Big market for GILFs." "You'll be old one day." "Let's get down to business." "Can everyone under 25 go to the right, please?" "Everybody over 25 to your left." "Bus passes, Zimmers and arthritics to the back." "Hi, mate." "Look, I don't know what's going on here, but..." "Nothing's going on." "We can't do this, it was a mistake." "That happened twice." "That won't happen again." "Do you know what, Gloria?" "I'm not that fuckin' desperate." "'Not even a ham shank on the way home?" "'" "Wasn't about that." "This was about romance." "Right, Ches?" "You know how to do things properly, Ches." "You've grown up into a lovely little gent." "It was about getting to know each other." "Seeing if you've got more in common than physical attraction." "Small talk." "That one should never have been allowed within ten feet of a school!" "He were a fuckin' letch." "Knicker sniffer!" "So you forked out for a three-course meal, wine, and a cab?" "If I'd laid that amount of cash out," "I'd want something in return." "Wasn't really that kind of night." "You're the fittest guy I've been with all month!" "Month?" "!" "We need to get you home." "No!" "Me dad's in, we can't." "It's OK, here'll do." "Must have been a dodgy prawn." "Know what?" "I dreamt of being with that girl so many times." "It could never live up to your expectations." "Happens to us all." "Bad timing." "Thought I'd find you here with your drinking cronies." "You left that in the shop." "It looked important." "I'm done with this." "Same again, chaps?" "Yeah." "Fuck me!" "I won't fuck you if it's all the same." "I haven't got a question." "No, but I have." "What kind of man are you going to be?" "One who squeaks, or one who roars?" "Hiya." "Well, it was certainly entertaining." "Can you tell me a bit about yourself, sweetheart?" "Well, I'm a community policeman during the day." "Trying to earn a few extra bob at night, really." "It'd be great for the locals but would it appeal to the international market?" "Have you got anything else that you can show us?" "Looks nice, Karen." "Don't you think, Jamie?" "Yeah, lovely." "You haven't even looked." "Why didn't you tell her she looked lovely, soft lad?" "Cos I'd be lying." "Well, if you can't lie to your wife, who can you lie to?" "Flowers." "One fuck-off bunch of roses, and a big fat apology." "Heartless bastard!" "The living accommodation will give a good return on your investment." "And there's masses of potential for the shop." "I'm thinking wall-to-wall sunbeds, maybe a spray tan machine." "Plenty round here in need of a tan and not just the fellas!" "Not a clue." "Unlike you." "People just need a little shop selling basics." "Stuff you've run out of." "Essentials." "And who needs more than that?" "Life's too short." "Exactly." "I look like I've been hang-gliding." "Seriously, Karen, you need to go back to the salon." "Especially what they charged you, they should put it right." "I didn't pay 'em." "I refused to." "Tried to force me." "I said my fella would torch the place if they gave me any more hassle." "Is that what he said?" "He's not bothered." "Mardy-arsed bastard's got his Calvins in a twist for some reason." "I'll get it." "Oh, God, I don't want him to see me like this!" "I don't want anybody to see me like this!" "Please, G. Can't you get me back to some sort of normality?" "Thank you." "Gloria..." "These are for you." "New fella?" "Never said." "Nothing special." "You've obviously made an impression." "Cheers." "Him upstairs has given you a second chance and what are you doing with it?" "Propping up the bar with someone old enough to be your dad." "Oh, thanks, Mimi!" "I'm not knocking it." "If you're going to go, go happy, that's what I'm saying!" "I am going to do something, Mimi." "The plans I've heard from fellas sat where you are, Ches... going to conquer the world!" "Not one of them even got as far as the end of the M62!" "Who's paying?" "Here, I'll get this." "There we go." "Ta." "I need to..." "I need to go, I've got to do something." "Stunning!" "Absolutely stunning!" "Give us a twirl!" "Looks good." "Beautiful." "Yeah, thanks to Gloria." "Now that's what I call an apology." "They're off G. Some shag she's had." "Banged him twice and it's red roses and, "When can I see you again?"" "How pathetic are some fellas?" "I'll contact the family's solicitors and get the contracts drawn up." "Forget your tanning shop idea, won't work." "No-one's got the cash for sunbeds." "Only reason he's telling you otherwise is to get shot of this place and back to Bradford." "What's it to you?" "You're getting this all wrong, Ches." "It's not about us and you!" "That's how it's coming over, Toof!" "I want you to come home with me." "I need you to see something." "First place we had... flat over a chippy." "Stunk of fish and grease, know what I mean?" "Then one day, Grandad picks us up from the shop, brings us here, hands us the keys." "He were that pleased with the graft we'd put in, rewarded us with this." "I know he can be a pain in the arse." "Work him to your advantage, Ches." "I dream of somewhere like this." "Could be yours." "That's the point, really, Toof... it couldn't." "Just like it'll never be yours." "Step out of line, you'll be back in the flat over the chippy in no time." "No." "I saw how he treated Dad when he wasn't doing as he was told." "There's always going to be a boss, always someone telling you what to do and how to do it." "Not for me there isn't." "I'm going to buy the shop." "You can't do it on your own!" "No?" "Well, I'll die trying." "Go on, fuck off!" "'Please leave your message after the tone.'" "It's me." "I need to see you." "I'm sorry." "I didn't mean to offend." "This sort of thing..." "It's not my usual bag, it's confusing." "Just... call me." "Please." "What the fuck are you looking at?" "Oh!" "Oh." "Miaow." "I'll tell you something odd, and this will sound weird, but I had this dream last night, and you came in here and played out this dream." "It's unbelievable." "It's totally unbelievable." "Fuck!" "We want to live that dream." "We're doing this for us family." "We want to give them a better life, a decent home, a future." "We've got four kids." "We're saving for college fees for the brightest." "It's a speciality act, and a good one." "I see a bright future for you two." "Fuck!" "Where's the art, eh?" "Where's the originality?" "Says she who thinks "legs akimbo?" "Is in the Kama Sutra." "This is my game, kid." "You might've had a few knee tremblers along the way... but I am an artiste!" "You are stuck in your ways, been at it too long." "You've not been at it long enough." "You know what?" "You've past your sell-by date, love." "Suits you." "You look lovely." "I'm sorry." "Are you gonna tell me what's up?" "I'm just bored." "Of me?" "Us?" "Of this place." "I wake up here, I work here, eat here, sleep here." "I'll live and fucking die here." "The same four walls'd drive anyone round the bend." "You are more important than any of this." "Now, let's get a smile back on that face." "I love you." "I managed to convince her to come back." "I miss the funny accent, if I'm honest." "Fuckin' skin her!" "Can we not aim for a bit of decorum?" "We've people's futures in us hands." "Hopes, dreams, ambitions." "Decision time." "I think lose "woman with cock"." "It's a man with tits." "It's just confusing." "RSPCA'll kick off." "Vacuum man were interesting." "Perfect, if you want a good ramming." "A looker but a bit obvious." "Yeah, when you pay good money, "obvious" is what you want." "Our final four." "The librarian from Burnley?" "This went on a vote, Lillian." "Who told you this were a democracy?" "I want him and all." "Why?" "Reminds me of little Bobby Davro." "Bobby only has to smile to get me wet." "You must have savings or money put aside for you by the family?" "Nope!" "Every penny I've got went on buying the fittings back." "My fittings, my shop." "All that matters is, I'm gonna do it." "Well, determination for its own sake can be very admirable, but..." "Like that Japanese guy who kept fighting World War II till, like, 1976 or summat." "What?" "It finished in... ages before that." "It's my cousin." "Wants to know the plan." "What is the plan?" "That failure is not an option." "I could have a word?" "I mean, I could have a word with the family, about money." "Your cousin could come if he's worried." "You never gave a toss about the shop in the past, so why would we believe that you do now?" "Things are different now." "I'm different." "What I need, and what I don't, all different." "We've got a pub to run." "I could get that place back in profit in three months." "How?" "I'll stay open day and night, work my fingers to the bone." "I won't take a wage till we're in profit." "You'd have access to the books 24/7, and if he fucks up..." "I won't...fuck up." "All right." "One condition." "You call it Paddy's Market..." "after my dad." "No." "It's my shop." "I'm in there in the bricks and mortar, and you're not." "Neither is your dad." "Come on." "What's in a name?" "You're a Maguire." "Would you let anyone take that away?" "What the fuck are you doing?" "My own little routine, mate." "Oh, shit, yeah, how did it go?" "I don't need them." "You're right." "Do it on your own." "Mortgage, gas, lecky, council tax, VAT, no credit." "All that shit'd get a lesser man down, mate, but not you." "You're a fucking superhero!" "Do Asian people have superheroes or is it just Gods wi' loads of arms and stuff?" "That's Hindu." "I'm Muslim." "Duhhh!" "Fuck off!" "Hindus are only in fucking comics and that." "I've got work, mate." "I've never seen one with a bend like that." "Is it 90 degrees?" "It varies." "Acute and obtuse." "Can fuck round corners." "That's got to be an advantage." "Kelly's right." "No substitute for experience." "Ruby has got a point, though." "Gudrun has got all the enthusiasm of a beginner." "Amongst other advantages." "Hindenberg." "Bless you." "She does make me laugh, that Ruby." "I can't understand a word she says, but I just smile and nod." "I thought at least one of them would be here for induction." "I've sent 'em out." "Medical's my bag." "Speaking of which..." "would you bend over?" "I have to admit that some of your young and virile team were... fucking knock-out." "I can see why punters keep returning to some of your... more experienced heads." "Don't poverty make people do kinky shit?" "There's been an offer made on the shop." "Shit!" "A bit of luck, I could've made something of this place." "I'm sorry." "I'll grab my stuff." "I turned the offer down." "We'll have the deeds transferred first thing tomorrow." "Grandad'll fuckin' kill you!" "Don't let me down, Ches." "I will not let you down!" "No way will I let you down!" "Thank you so fucking much!" "Hey!" "Love-in?" "I'm sorry to interrupt." "So you're gonna try and make a go of this place?" "Yeah." "In that case, you're gonna need these." "For...?" "Them." "We've gone with magnolia." "They only had magnolia." "I like magnolia." "I love magnolia!" "Could do with a few more rollers and brushes." "Jamie, go on, some in our loft." "I'll give you a hand." "No need to stand on ceremony." "I've checked on the internet, and this is all kosher." "That's Jewish, Mimi." "Lamb's Jewish?" "Kosher's Jewish." "Then what's lamb?" "New Zealand?" "Thought they were Welsh." "Look, can I ask what this is all about?" "Never thought I'd say this, Ches, but you impressed me here, mate." "You showed commitment..." "can't buy that." "Fuck knows, we've tried!" "Turnip?" "We wanna help you get back on your feet, mate." "Go on." "Mam?" "We sell dope from your place." "Maybe a bit of coke, and the money goes through the till." "Laundering?" "We stay silent partners." "Take 10% of your profits." "And discount at the till." "A little one." "What's the catch?" "There isn't one." "You've no family around here, Ches." "So from now on, you're one of us." "An honorary Maguire." "And that offer's not extended to many." "So, are you in?" "Too fuckin' right!" "Welcome to the clan." "Cheers." "I suppose you're pleased with yourself?" "Yeah." "I always knew you had it in you." "No, you didn't." "But I did." "That makes no sense." "I'm a figment of your imagination." "I'm after a better quality of hallucination." "All right?" "I'll put a curse on you!" "'On reflection, I don't believe there is a light at the end of the tunnel." "'No voice telling you to go back." "'Once your number's up, it's up.'" "'So take a good look around." "'Like what you see?" "Great, enjoy." "'But if you don't, move on and move on now." "'No use settling for second best." "'This ain't no rehearsal." "'This is the real deal.'" "Where are you off to?" "The less I tell you, the better." "It's a big job." "I want you to know, that's all." "All right, strictly 30 minutes." "We only take what we can carry." "No more than 11 rolls a man." "He didn't come home." "Maybe he's seeing someone." "Stop sticking your tits out." "I'm not." "Manchester's next gift to the world." "I've got a semi here." "Is that a penis?" "Somebody's doctored it." "They're all missing." "All of them." "So if he hasn't told you, then we are fucked." "Oh...!" "It's my bike." "I'm the bloke... clearly." "Winslet in front..." "DiCaprio behind." "I'm the bloke." "Fuck off!" "I am the bloke." "How the fuck are you the bloke?" "!" "Hold on, Ches!" "Yeah!" "I am the bloke!" "Fuck off!" "I'm the bloke!"