"CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "This programme contains some strong language" "Good evening." "Welcome to Have I Got News For You." "I'm Jo Brand." "In the news this week, in Moscow on his drive-past at an anti-gay parade," "Vladimir Putin wears a dangerously fetching cologne." "LAUGHTER" "At a local laundry, Vince Cable suspects that staff may not be taking sufficient care of his underpants." "LAUGHTER" "And as England's training for the World Cup begins," "Roy Hodgson denies he's petrified of losing key players through injury." "LAUGHTER" "On Ian's team tonight is a Tory MP who's supported the Conservative Party since the age of five." "Indeed, one of the proudest moments of his childhood was getting a Panini sticker of Willie Whitelaw." "Please welcome Jacob Rees-Mogg." "APPLAUSE" "And with Paul tonight is a Scottish comedian who recently did a gig in a prison." "Still, the state of showbiz these days, that's just networking." "Please welcome Kevin Bridges." "APPLAUSE" "And we start with the bigger stories of the week." "Paul and Kevin, take a look at this." "Ah, yes, that's Gary Barlow a long time ago, when he was really poor, and this is about tax, isn't it?" "He's had to pay tax which he hadn't paid before." "That's his accountant, by the look of it." "True, so it was true, it was his accountant." "Yes, it's about Gary Barlow..." "What's the polite way of putting it?" " ..not paying tax." " Absolutely." "Along with Gary Barlow, anybody else related to...?" "Other people in Take That, there were." " Indeed." "Not all of them" " Mark Owen and Howard Donald." " Yes." " Jason Orange didn't." " Oh, I'm glad, cos he was the one I liked." "LAUGHTER" "Plus their manager." "Any idea who Take That's manager is?" "Jacob." " I'm afraid I don't know the answer to that question." " No." "No, that's rather stumped me." "His name's Jonathan Wild." "Together, they put 66 million into a music investment scheme." "Anyone know what it was called?" " Iceberg?" " Icebreaker." "It's Icebreaker 2, The Taxman Cometh." "Ian, you're quite intelligent - how does the scheme work, do you know?" "It's very, very complex." "You decide you're very rich and you don't want to pay any tax, and then you decide not to." "LAUGHTER" "It was investing in young musicians, and they lost 25.2 million." "So who knows what they were teaching the young musicians?" "How to play a Steinway piano with a sledgehammer." "It's got to arouse some suspicion." "I think you back bands a bit like you and then they don't make any money" " and then you get to keep the profit." " Oh, I see." " So Take That might be investing in somebody called Take This?" " Yeah." "Or Don't Take This, it should be." "Anyone know who else signed up to the tax avoidance scheme?" "Terry Venables?" " Indeed." " At least he's always presented himself as a bit dodgy, so..." "And Colin Jackson?" "How could he have made that kind of money... hurdling?" "Maybe he just invested a bit less, like 40 quid or something." "He's just seen it as being at the bookies," " thought he would..." " Absolutely." "That's probably sounder financial advice - 66 million?" "Just stick it on a greyhound, and if it comes in, you can pay your tax bill." "If you won, it would be tax exempt, because gambling winnings are exempt from tax, so perhaps you've just designed a new tax avoidance scheme on Have I Got News For You." " Yes." "I would just like to say, a very high-risk tax avoidance scheme." "It could be a money avoidance scheme." "The Prime Minister said that we shouldn't judge Mr Barlow too harshly and he shouldn't have to give back his OBE." " I completely agree with the Prime Minister." " Do you?" " Yes." "LAUGHTER" "I find that hugely surprising." "I..." "I..." "I always completely agree with the Prime Minister." "He always says wise and good things and I think this was a particularly wise and good thing for him to say." "But Gary Barlow was actually by far the biggest investor and apparently, when you've managed to avoid 20 million in tax, you do get a medal." "Oh, all right, it is his OBE, and David Cameron doesn't think he should give it back." "He said:" "LAUGHTER" "True, especially when it comes to not paying for its care homes, hospitals and schools." "Mr Barlow will have to pay all his tax, because the scheme didn't work." "Actually, for once, the tax system is working." "This scheme fails and the tax is all due and now there's going to be tax paid of tens of millions of pounds on it, unlike the Jimmy Carr scheme, where no tax seems to have been collected." "So, actually, for once, the tax system has worked efficiently." "Inadvertently." "No!" "LAUGHTER" "I have to say, David Cameron went on:" "So was Jimmy Savile's." "AUDIENCE GROANS" "The Royal Variety Show must have a pretty impressive alumni of tax dodgers and paedophiles by now." "So does this show, if we're honest!" "LAUGHTER" "David Cameron in PMQs cleverly used some Take That lyrics when asked about Gary Barlow." "I should really be doing Gilbert and Sullivan lyrics with you." " It's a bit modern for me." " Oh, I do beg your pardon." "If you did Greensleeves, that might be..." "OK." "David Cameron actually said:" " Do you know that song, Back For Good?" " Yes." " No." "Whenever I'm wrong, just tell me the song and I'll sing it." " Yes." " SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE" "It continues." "Thank you." "A woman up the back there that couldn't get into Graham Norton this evening." "LAUGHTER" "APPLAUSE" "Hardly a unique experience." "What has David Cameron failed to do himself after more than two years?" "He hasn't paid any tax for two years?" "That can't be right." " He's the Prime Minister." " He hasn't published his own tax returns, despite a promise that he would." "According to the Independent, his official spokesman said:" "Yeah, and I'm committed to the principle of not eating three chunky Kit Kats in a row." "LAUGHTER" "Don't mean it's going to happen, though, does it?" "Have a little patience." "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" " Patience, that's a..." " Card game?" "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "Well, it is a card game, but it's also a Take That song as well." " Oh, I had no idea." " It's a Gilbert and Sullivan opera, too!" "LAUGHTER" "Let's move to other tax issues." "What's wrong with this Labour poster?" "Oh, none of the things pay VAT, or the majority of them don't." " That's right." " And it's the weekly shopping of an alcoholic" "OCD sufferer on a juicing duet." "Well, it's claiming the Government is increasing VAT and it's costing the average family £450 extra." "But you'd have to spend £21,600 a year on VAT taxed goods for it to cost you an extra 450 quid." "As you said, healthy items shown aren't subject to VAT, including peas, oil and the chocolate chip cookies." "According to VAT rules:" "Our VAT regulations all derive from the European Union." "So is there some sort of plot?" "Is it a Belgian chocolate scam?" "I don't want to come over all Farage-y, but, er..." "You don't buy Jaffa Cakes as well" " Jaffa Cakes are not biscuits, they are cakes, and therefore exempt from VAT." " So what is it?" "Biscuits go soft, cakes go hard." " Absolutely." "My husband's a biscuit." "Does anyone want to hear the exciting news on Cilla Black?" " Yes!" " What's happened?" " Well, have a look." "The TV presenter Cilla Black is to be honoured with the TV bastard... the TV BAFTAs in recognition of her outstanding contribution to entertainment." "A TV bastard." "This is the row over Gary Barlow, which has confirmed his status as a national treasure... thief." "Since his tax avoidance was revealed, there have been calls for Gary Barlow to return his OBE to the Queen." "Quite right." "After all, she's been dutifully paying her tax ever since she was 67." "According to the Telegraph, for Take That to pay off their tax bill:" "Well, I say "world tour", it's 14 nights at the Cayman Islands Arena." "Some of the figures..." "It's, like, £4 billion goes offshore in the UK." "Just as well we brought in the bedroom tax, or the country could have been in a pretty bad way." "HE TUTS" "LAUGHTER" " I'm obviously trying to be ironic there, I'm not..." " Of course." "Jacob's sitting there nodding." "Ian and Jacob, take a look at this." "Well, these are zombies." "It's the zombie Cabinet!" "JACOB:" "The zombie Parliament." "The zombie Parliament - how rude of me, sorry!" "Because Parliament was probed yesterday and will be back on 4th June," " and then we will have a..." "IAN:" " Is this you?" "!" "No, that's certainly not me!" "The Conservatives and the Lib Dems have run out of things that they agree on." "And so actually, they...they..." "Events are running into the sand." " Haven't you agreed on the fact you hate each other?" " No!" "They're delightful, charming people." "LAUGHTER" "You're being silly now, Jacob." "No, no." "In a social context." "Um, their..." "LAUGHTER" "Their views on public policy leave something to be desired." "So, what happens?" "Do you just do nothing for the next year?" "We'll pass some legislation." "There won't be a great deal." "Parliaments pass law after law, half of them repeating or contradicting what they passed a few years before." "It's better to let the law settle down and for people to get on with their lives without politicians interfering." "OK." "How about you don't come back for five years, any of you?" "Well, Belgium didn't have a government for 14 months or something and nobody really noticed." "LAUGHTER" "I don't think we want as a country to be over-governed." "I think we want Parliament to be there to hold the Government to account, but not an endless sausage machine of legislation." "That doesn't actually do any good for the country." "Right, well, that's a sort of campaign speech for the No Government Party!" "Even if they haven't got any ideas left or laws to make, what is Parliament for?" "It's to hold the Government to account and seek redress of grievance" " for one's constituents." " Correct." "Er, would...?" "LAUGHTER" "Jacob, would you like to be held to account?" "Because we could do some holding to account now." "For example, didn't you say that the Tories should merge with UKIP?" "I said we should do a deal with UKIP, yes." "And possibly have a coupon election." "OK." "And that Nigel Farage should replace Nick Clegg as Deputy Prime Minister." "Oh, I think there would be joy in heaven if that were to happen." "LAUGHTER" "What about here on Earth?" "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" " Do you get on well with Mr Farage?" " Yeah, I think he's a very good egg." "LAUGHTER" "What was the good news, though, for Nick Clegg this week?" " He won a prize for his radio phone-in programme, didn't he?" " He did." "He won a prize for Call Clegg." "You can phone him up and he'll get you a minicab." "It's brilliant." "Also, didn't you make a speech at a dinner hosted by the Traditional Britain Group, who've declared on their website that:" "And less amusingly, that:" "Yes." "They did that after I had been to dinner with them, so I couldn't know what they were going to say after I'd been to them." "Had I known they would say these things, I would certainly not have gone to them." "I think they are a disreputable and unpleasant organisation." "Fair dos." "Thank you." "Um...what has the famous Liberal lefty David Cameron been doing this week?" "He's been out and about with Boris Johnson," " and what did they do?" "They..." " They rescued a lady who had collapsed, and held her hand until the emergency services arrived." "Was it Boris holding her hand?" " I wouldn't know." " I think it was." "Was it he who knocked her over?" "In his mad lust." "They do say that there was:" "Although we can't vouch for Boris, I'm sorry." "Yeah." "Where else has David Cameron been?" " Nando's." "The piri piri chicken place." " He was in Nando's." " Ah, yes." "Posing for selfies with the electorate." "Here we go." "KEVIN:" "See, imagine that guy holding your hand until an ambulance came." "Have you been to Nando's, Ian?" "Do you know, I think I've missed out." " Jacob?" " I've modelled myself on Ian in this respect." "Oh, right, OK." "He knows how to hurt!" " I've done a corporate for Nando's." " Have you?" "They gave me a card for free chicken." "I would have preferred the vegetarian option of cash, but they gave me it." "That is Becky Smith." "How did she describe the encounter with Mr Cameron?" "JACOB:" "She said it was a great honour and a privilege to meet the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom... and that from now on, she would always vote Conservative." " LAUGHTER" " No." "She said:" "Well, he'd had the piri piri sauce, I presume." "What did she actually say to him?" ""Can we get some service over here?"" "She said that:" "What happened to George Osborne when he tried to pull a similar stunt in Bolton?" "Was he tarred and feathered?" "He was refused a table at the Thyme Deli and Cafe." "Owner Amanda Biggs said there just wasn't enough room and told the Daily Star:" "And the last thing we want to do is give any free publicity to the Thyme Deli and Cafe..." " And here's the owner." " Doesn't look that busy, does it?" "Now, going back to the business of government, if the politicians haven't been doing any work, what have they been doing?" " Well, they've been scrapping." " Who's been scrapping?" "Well, I think it's Michael Gove and David Laws, is that right?" "There was an article in The Times written by them jointly that they all agree on absolutely everything." "An outbreak of most remarkable unity." "But you laughed when you read the piece, didn't you?" "I..." "I..." "I was amused to see that this unity was breaking out." "While, apparently, Michael Gove, David Laws and Nick Clegg have been scrapping and leaking on each other, which sounds slightly unpleasant, but do you know what it's all about?" "It's about free schools and free school meals, and which budget has pinched which part of the other budget." "How much has Michael Gove taken from a fund to create new school places," " do you know?" " Apparently, it's 400 million." "400 million was for new school places, and it's a question of" " whether the money is spent by local authorities..." " But what is he using the money for?" " For free schools." " To pay off an 800 million deficit." " Well, there's..." " Now, my maths isn't very good, but..." "There's 400 million that has come from a departmental underspend." " Yeah." " And there is 400 million that is coming from the budget for additional school places, so its 800 million in total, which has been funded in a perfectly proper way for any government to fund its operations." "LAUGHTER" "I mean, it's not necessarily funny, and it is statistically reasonable." "It is, the way you tell it." "The budget went up from 400 to 1.2, didn't it?" "So they had to find 800." "They had to find 800 million because free schools have been so popular." "It's a huge success." "The people in this country, if they think the education for their children isn't good enough, go and get together and build schools themselves." "I was thinking of building a hospital." "Gove is coming out fighting." "What did he say to Shadow Education Minister Tristram Hunt in Parliament the other day?" ""I'll cut you."" "No, he said something about Mr Hunt's bedtime reading." "I can't remember what, and I'm not sure it's proper for broadcast..." " For a lady to talk about it?" " No." "Oh, bollocks, I have to." "Gove said:" "Oh, it does make you feel a bit queasy, doesn't it?" "One government department has been doing a bit of work." "How did a Home Office estimate cause a stir this week?" " Is it about England and the World Cup?" " It certainly is." " It's to do with the licensing laws." " Yeah." " There's only late licensing until the group stages." " That's right." "As soon as it goes to the knockout stage, the licence..." "Implying that England would get any further than the second round in the World Cup." "Is that right?" "It's absolutely right." "The Home Office estimate caused a stir because in deciding whether to grant a blanket extension to" "England pub licensing hours, the Home Office estimated that England's chances of progressing from the group stage of the World Cup were:" "The Home Office took it from a betting website." " That's where they got their figure from." " Did they?" " Yes." "Is that where they get all their information?" "It didn't seem to me the most scientific approach." "Well, as you're sort of the posh boys' side, let's start with you." " How do you rate England's chances?" " Pretty...pretty good." " Shall we have a look at a picture of the friendly face that awaits the England fans in Brazil?" " Yes." " Blimey." " Is that real?" " That is real, yes." "But I wonder what's he doing in an art gallery?" "So, this is the news that Parliament is shutting down early." "Apparently, MPs have run out of bills to debate." "One of the last bills to be debated was an attempt by Keith Vaz to enact:" "Too right." "If there's not enough, I'm not buying it." "This week, the coalition is beginning to fracture." "According to the Daily Mail:" "Yeah, I've been to that nightclub." "It's rubbish." "In a joint statement, Michael Gove and David Laws denied falling out over free school meals." "They also said:" "Yeah, good luck with the PE teachers!" "Now, this, Jacob, is an iPod." "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "And so to round two." "It's a misjudged return for the Gramophone of News." "Er, I'm going to give you some sound clues using this antique horn." "Fingers on buzzers, here's the first one." "# The sun has got his hat on... #" "BUZZER" "# The sun has got his hat on and he's coming out today" "# Now we'll all be happy... #" "How far are you going to play this tune?" "Yeah, I think we should..." "I think we should stop it now." " Can you stop it now?" " Here it comes!" "RECORD SCRATCHES TO HALT" "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "A BBC radio DJ has lost his job." "He hosted a show dealing in sort of vintage songs, vintage tunes, and The Sun Has Got His Hat On, written by Noel Gay, some time in the 1930s, I think, has a sort of...the N-word in it," "and he didn't know this, apparently, and somebody complained." "And he lost his job, then the BBC said, "Oh, you can have it back,"" "and he said, "I don't want it back."" "They said, "You've got to!" and he said, "No, I don't want it!"" ""Well, come in tomorrow!" "I won't be there."" " One person complained." " One person complained." " One person complained." "BBC Radio Devon, 10pm on a Sunday night." "Although Devon has only recently been connected to the phone network." "This guy, his name was David Lowe, and what was ironic about him losing his job?" "Didn't he play that song because he thought another song was racist and he didn't play that, he played this one to replace the racist song and unfortunately...along came 1932." " Yeah." "Do you know what the song he didn't play was?" " JACOB:" "Yes." " It was Abdul Abulbul Amir." " Correct." "It was the 1927 version..." "I think so that he could decide, he went, "Eeny meeny m..." "No."" "Any other controversies in the West Country this week?" " I'd imagine so." " In Frome." "Is it the fence that's been put alongside... right of way and, therefore, people are completely channelled in?" "That's right." "Near your constituency, I believe." " It is, but not IN my constituency." " No." "People in my constituency are much behaved and more gentlemanly than that." " What, even the women?" " Even the women." "This farmer has bought a beautiful green meadow and he wants to stop people roaming off the footpath with their dogs, so this is what he's done." "He's got no more problems with dog mess, but he does now have Jewish settlers on one side of the meadow... and angry Palestinians on the other." "This is the BBC Radio Devon DJ who was fired for playing a 1932 version of The Sun Has Got His Hat On." "The BBC have been condemned for overreacting, but I'm actually on the BBC's side." "Casual racism is nothing to snigger about." "No." "No, I said..." "No, sn..." "No, I said "snigger"." "No, it's a word." "Look it up." "Yep." "Yep." "All right, I'll get my coat." "LAUGHTER" "The BBC has actually been accused of double standards for playing rap songs which feature the N-word." "The word is allowed when it is..." "..said a BBC wanka!" "APPLAUSE" "OK, fingers on buzzers, teams." "LORRY-REVERSE BEEPING" "BUZZER" "The guy who invented that noise," " which is the sound of a lorry reversing..." " Mm." "..has come out and said that he regrets his invention." "Do you know what the inventor's name is?" "Is it George Reversing-Beep?" " Hyphenated." " It is hyphenated, but not that." "It's Chris Hanson-Abbott." "Now, he doesn't like his noise." "But isn't that the point of an alarm, though, isn't it, to sort of be, you know, slightly annoying, to notice it, rather than somebody going..." " GENTLE VOICE:" " .."Hello."" " Anyone got any better suggestions?" " What about the Countdown theme?" " KEVIN HUMS THEME" " Oh, that's a good idea." "As it gets closer and closer." " And you need to get out the way before it goes, "Daow"." " Dzzchw." " Or celebrities could do it." " Yeah, celebrity." " Humphrey Bogart saying, "Get out of the way."" " Yeah." " Stephen Hawking would be good." " Yeah." "MONOTONE:" "Get out of the way." "Alan Bennett." " AS ALAN BENNETT:" " Oh, get out of the way." " Brian Walden." " That's going back a bit, isn't it?" "Brian Walden?" " That's the only impression I can do." " Oh, right." " AS BRIAN WALDEN:" " Hello, it's Brian Walden here." "Get out of the way." "Um..." "So, can anyone do the beeping noise?" "Is it as easy as I think it is?" "Beep." "Beep." "Beep - that's it." "Here's a man who CAN do it." "HE MIMICS LORRY-REVERSE BEEP" " He can do the noise, but he's just struggling with the reversing." " Yeah." "I like that guy." "Here's a rather leftfield question." "What do monks think of beeping?" " They like it." " Who asked the monks?" "Well, luckily, the BBC asked A monk, so obviously it's not a particularly comprehensive survey." "They asked Father Alexander De Costa Fernandes, who said:" "And added, "Bollocks, there goes my vow of silence."" "Here's the next one." "CLOCK TICKS, ALARM RINGS" "BELL" "This is that we're not getting enough sleep because we use artificial light and we watch too much television," " and therefore we don't go to bed on time." " That's right." "Do you do that?" " Yes." " Yeah." "Do you count candles as artificial light?" "LAUGHTER" "SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE" "Do you wear one of those hats in bed, those big..." "I can kind of see you in one of those, in a nightgown." "Yes." "I'll consider it." "What's wrong with blue light before bed?" "It does something to the melatonin that means you're not ready to go to sleep and puts your body clock out." "It makes our body clock think it's earlier than it is, so..." " What is it?" "Blue light?" " Blue light." "It's like light that comes off gadgets and things." " Or off police cars outside your house." " Indeed." " Indeed." " That keeps you awake." "A lot of those where I live." "Crackhouse next door, Jacob." " You've got a crackhouse next door to where you live?" " Yeah." "At least you haven't got to go far." "Um..." "Apparently, Dr Charles Czeisler of Harvard University says..." "I need more than blue light to hit my sweet spot, thank you, Charles." "Um..." "Meanwhile, what have Richard and Judy agreed to do to each other?" " Kill each other." " JACOB:" "Kill each other." " Kill each other." " Kill each other." " Yeah." " They've agreed upon a suicide pact." " That's love." "It's also potentially murder, but..." "Yes, in one of the most romantic declarations of true love," "Richard told the Telegraph..." "Oh, no, sorry." "He went on a bit more." "Um..." "He should write Valentine's cards, shouldn't he?" "Type of stamp." "Could be very rare." ""Have you got a tuppenny fuck? "Yes, I've got one here."" "Um..." "Does anyone know how Richard Madeley intends to kill himself?" " Yes." "There was booze involved." " That's right." "Or if Judy's still about, just the locked room and the revolver." "Um..." "He wants to die in a game of Cluedo." "This is the research that shows that a lack of sleep is bad for your health." "There are a number of top tips for ensuring a good night's sleep." "For instance..." "Tick!" "Um..." "Time now for the odd one out round." "It's just one between you this week." "Fingers on buzzers, teams." "Your four are..." "Marcus Trescothick." "The Queen." "Chris the Rhea." "And Conchita Wurst." "Conchita's in a studio up there somewhere, I think." "I waved, she waved back - it was incredibly exciting!" "There's a lookalike as well, so I don't know if it was" " the lookalike or the genuine." " Oh!" " I've seen that as well but I've just seen the lookalike." " Oh, I've been fooled!" "No, I'm just saying be vigilant." "JACOB:" "Marcus Trescothick is a very distinguished Somerset cricketer." "I don't really see how that relates to anything else, unfortunately." "Have three of them been shot down by veterinaries with rifles?" "They practise with umbrella stands." "The bird escaped." " JACOB:" "The bird escaped?" " It did escape." " And they actually shot it." " They did." "They couldn't catch it." "JACOB:" "And it's been turned into sausages." " Ta-da!" " Ah!" " Ah. "Wurst" means "sausage"." " Trescothick was known as "Banger"." "The thing was turned into a sausage. "Wurst" is "sausage"." "So, Her Majesty - nobody would dare call Her Majesty anything so rude - is, um, not the..." " The odd one out." " Yes, but I don't wish to call Her Majesty odd." "That seems a bit..." "LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH" "Her Majesty is not in line with the other three in this case." "KEVIN:" "What is that she's holding?" "It looks like a sort of baseball bat shaped..." "She looks like she could return that ball, anyway." "Is she being called Sausage by the Duke of Edinburgh?" " Is it a pet name?" " Mm!" " I think it is." " It is." " "Oh, Sausage!"" "Is there any reasons why?" "Perhaps he likes stabbing her with a fork from time to time." "It's a term of affection based on the fact that her ancestry is German." "It was a sort of Wurst joke." "He calls her Conchita Sausage." "Does she call him "Kebab"?" " APPLAUSE" " Might do." "Is it they're all called sausage except one who's been turned into sausage?" "Correct!" "APPLAUSE" "As you said, Chris the runaway rhea was finally found - hurrah!" " shot in the head - boo!" " turned into sausages - hurrah!" "Has anyone ever enjoyed a rhea sausage?" "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" " I'm only asking!" " Does it count if you're on holiday?" "Why might this not be the last we hear of these birds we'd never heard of a month ago?" " There's more than one of them." " Indeed." "According to the Telegraph, there are rumours of:" "So if you want to see one of those magnificent birds, just pop to the butchers in a few weeks' time." "I thought you were going to say people were rearing them." "GROANS" "You should have your own stand-up show." " But not for long." " No." "Now, as far as Conchita Wurst is concerned, the Eurovision-winning bearded lady of Austria got her stage name from the German expression:" "It literally means:" " So it doesn't make any sense in German or English?" " Not really." "Now, everyone has a theory on who Conchita looks like." "I think she looks like George Best." "Britain actually awarded the maximum 12 points to Conchita, but when the judges' votes were taken out of the equation," " the public preferred the Polish entry." " They did." "A charming entry." "Must have been a really, really good song." "Let's see why it was so popular, shall we?" "UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS" "LAUGHTER" "A lot of Poles living in the country" " who probably voted for the Polish entry." " Do you think so?" "I should think there's a lot of lorry drivers an' all." "Has anyone heard of the sausage that's named after a comedian?" " No." " The Lorne sausage." "That is a square sausage, thought to be named after a Glasgow music hall star, Tommy Lorne." " There he is." " KEVIN:" "That's him." "You don't need me to point him out, surely?" "Don't suppose you know what his famous catchphrase was, do you?" "Well, obviously I know, but I'll chuck that to the..." "It was:" "I've actually got that tattooed." "They are all affectionately known by sausage-based names, apart from Chris the rhea, who's been shot and turned into sausages." "The Telegraph reported that:" "Well, it had to go, as according to club rules, birds have no place on a golf course." "The Russians organised a petition condemning Conchita Wurst, claiming her performance would:" "I think that ship's already sailed." "Time now for the Missing Words Round, which this week features as its guest publication:" "Easy to spot in the newsagents as all the car magazines have moved over to make way for it." "And we start with:" "JACOB:" "It's not the Liberal Democrats, is it?" "No?" "The humour of emergency services workers." "Described as:" "This is from Ambulance Today, being what you rather optimistically shout down the phone when you need one." "Next:" "Housed in a new ambulance museum in Hull." "No?" "Those electric foxes get everywhere, don't they?" "Fzzzt!" "Does anyone know who Squiddly and Diddly are?" " Yeah." " They're hens." " WOMAN:" "Simon Cowell's dogs." "They're Simon Cowell's Yorkshire terriers." "You should be ashamed of yourself!" "LAUGHTER" " These are..." " They are things that are embarrassing to know!" "These are Simon Cowell's Yorkshire terriers, which are now protected by a massive fox-proof fence." "According to the Sun, last year Diddly wee'd on the floor of a posh store in Beverly Hills." "When the enraged manager asked customers if they'd witnessed anything, they all agreed they saw Diddly squat." "So he's put up a fence around...?" " Yes, a fox-proof fence." " Some wimpy dogs." "Aren't Yorkshire terriers those really little tiny things that tend to have bows in their hair?" "They're, like, really..." " They should take on a fox, surely." " You could just get a proper dog." "LAUGHTER" "Yeah." "Next:" "KEVIN:" "I thought it was an illuminated ground floor button." "JACOB:" "I saw this, it was in the Daily Mail..." "LAUGHTER" "It's "Beyonce's sister hit her husband"" "in a lift in New York" " and that's what it is." " Crikey, Jacob!" "Whay!" "APPLAUSE" "I was going to say - "Respect!"" "The rapper Jay Z, who is married to Beyonce, was attacked by his sister-in-law, Solange, in a lift." "The Daily Star speculated as to what the attack was about." "Theories included:" "Or Jay Z is a typical bloke and he dropped one in the lift." "Next:" "I know this one too." "SHE GASPS" "It was also in the Daily Mail, the fount of all knowledge." "She had some problem with make-up." "She had a great white splodge on her face." "It's...well, actually," ""Angelina has make-up malfunction on red carpet"." "Here she is." "I've had the same problem, but in my case, it was cocaine." "Next:" "Thank you." ""Give tomatoes aspirin and they won't turn to mush."" "According to professor of plant sciences at the University of Rhode Island, if you want to perk up your tomatoes, you should give them plenty of aspirin and water." "Or better still, don't let them go out on the piss in the first place." "Next:" "Take her top off for 30 quid." "KEVIN:" "Won't write him an expenses receipt?" "Won't work over here." "That's right, well done." "This is from Ambulance Today." "No, we don't want a Danish ambulance service." "After all, it takes the Danish police a whole 20-hour box set just to solve one murder." "Next:" "Mould!" "Mould is normal on aged beef." "They were hanging beef up for 28 days, and somebody came," ""Oh, there's a bit of mould"." "No, that's quite normal for beef that's been hung." "Absolutely correct." ""A mouldy carcass is normal, insists Jamie Oliver's butcher."" "Jamie Oliver's butcher was criticised after mould was found on his meat." "According to health experts:" "Sorry, I just don't understand that sentence at all." "Um..." "And finally:" "KEVIN:" "Sitting crying in the shower." "No, think our selected magazine." " Think Ambulance..." " Chasing one!" "KEVIN:" "Trying to find the phone number?" "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "According to Ambulance Today, Nick Clegg was:" "They're exactly the same as ambulances in the rest of the country, only they have a sign on the back saying," ""There's owt wrong with thee." "Get the bus."" "So, the final scores are..." "Paul and Kevin have 6, but Ian and Jacob have 7." "APPLAUSE" "But before we go, there's just time for the Caption Competition." "Here's one:" ""Whose idea was it to book us for Cats?"" "And here's another:" ""You're talking out of your arse, Mr Farage."" "APPLAUSE" "On which note we say thank you to our panellists," "Ian Hislop and Jacob Rees-Mogg," "Paul Merton and Kevin Bridges." "And I leave you with news that photographers arrive at Nigel Evans' garden party a day earlier than expected." "Despite Radio 3's move to digital only," "Jacob Rees-Mogg is reluctant to abandon his analogue set." "And amidst reports it's possible to see across into people's bedrooms in London's Shard hotel, a local man is drawn to the scene..." "Good night." "APPLAUSE"