"Wow, check this out." ""Wessex was rated the healthiest town in all of Ontario."" "Where are you reading that?" "Here, in my fry basket." "Oh, it actually says "unhealthiest."" "Really?" "Yeah, it's right here under the mayo." "Ah." "Fern, wings and nachos are up." "On the plus side, only 9% of Wessex is overweight." "79%." "That can't be right." ""Highest blood pressure and cholesterol in the country"?" "And here's your gravy." "I don't buy it." "Last call for breakfast!" "It's 9:00 already?" "I got to get to work." "Oh, we better scram before the scooters block the doorway." "Put a smile on your face!" "It's Porktoberfest!" "God, I love April." "Yeah, about that" "Well, don't tell me you don't like Porktoberfest." "No, I love it." "It's the one time a year I can sleep on a picnic table and nobody judges me." "But this year I'm the mayor." "Well, that's no problem." "The last mayor passed out in the kids' tree fort and nobody cared." "No, it's not that." "It's the kick-off." "As mayor, I have to eat the Golden Bratwurst in front of everyone." "Yeah?" "I'm a vegetarian." "(Laughing)" "That's a good one." "You totally got me." "Oh, you're serious." "But you got to eat the golden bratwurst." "I know." "I know." "Tenderly forged by a dream team of Wessigonian meat artisans." "Honestly, why would you pick Porktoberfest of all the fests to become vegetarian?" "I've been vegetarian for 15 years." "Does Claire know?" "She's a vegetarian too." "I'm impressed with her, actually." "She started when we moved in together." "Now we're in a totally meatless relationship." "Okay, stop." "I don't want to hear any more." "And don't mention vegetables to the Pork Council." "Why would I do that?" "I don't know." "You've got sticks and beans running your brain." "You could say anything." "Ahem, hi." "The Pork Council is honoured to welcome you to your first Porktoberfest as mayor." "Well, it was great to meet you all." "No, no, we have to stay and discuss the Golden Bratwurst." "Can I see it?" "Well, we haven't made it yet." "But I can tell you this, Mr. Mayor." "It's our meatiest sausage yet." "(All laughing)" "Is that a Pork Council inside joke or--?" "No." "That was a laugh of pride." "It is a very meaty sausage." "(Chuckling)" "I don't suppose there's a way to make it less meaty?" "Why would you want to make it less meaty?" "Dan loves meat so much, he's nervous that he'll eat it too fast at the kick-off." "Nervous?" "Yeah, you know, I'm just nervous for that moment when I get to like bite into that bratwurst, and it's like" "You know, you can taste it and, mm, it tastes so meaty, right, you know?" "But sort of different, almost like hamburger, maybe?" "But not because it's a-- It's a tube." "Exactly." "And to give you an even better idea of what our butchers have crafted for us this year, have a look at this." "WOMAN, OVER TV:" "Our story begins on a lush organic farm just outside Wessex." "(Pig squealing alarmingly)" "The pigs are the real heroes of Porktoberfest." "That's me with the hammer." "Smile and nod." "Ah, you know, spring is here when all the old Porktoberfest gear is out." "Yeah." "I still can't believe it." "Owning a bar during Porktoberfest." "It's awesome." "I just unloaded a cube van of ribs." "I'll get you some." "No, I'm good." "Hey, if you don't like ribs," "I got a whole other van of chops, tenderloin, feet." "Jeff, I'm a vegetarian." "How can I not know this?" "Jeff, you do know this." "I've told you before." "You want to split some wings?" "I'm a vegetarian." "What?" "I got to call my wife." "You know this." "I've told you before." "When?" "You want to split a meatball?" "I'm a vegetarian." "What?" "I got to page my fiancÃ©e." "I'm a vegetarian." "What?" "I got to fax my girlfriend." "Hey, Mr. Fern, where are your cover sheets?" "Wow, this is big news." "I got to Skype my wife." "Yes, guys, guess who's been elected Porktoberfest Hambassador." "Hm, let's see." "Dan?" "No." "It's Jeff, isn't it?" "As if." "Oh, I guess we'll never know." "It's been a wild ride, Dan." "Let's go home." "No, guys, it's me." "I'm the Hambassador." "I can't believe it." "All my hard work and bribing of the Pork Council has finally paid off." "This is going to be the best Porktoberfest ever." "I thought you had to be like under 16 to apply for that." "It's called fake ID." "Now beer me." "We don't serve minors." "I got to get out of this bratwurst-eating thing." "Maybe I'll get my wisdom teeth pulled that day." "You already got your wisdom teeth out." "Oh, what are the next teeth after wisdoms?" "Molars?" "Do I need those?" "I don't eat meat." "Here, veggie sausage." "Looks just like a real sausage." "Oh, I don't know." "I bet those Pork Council guys could spot a veggie sausage a mile away with their super pork vision." "There's no way they'd be able to tell." "Look." "Which one is meat?" "Meat." "Hah, these are meat, see?" "Really?" "Why do we have meat sausages in our fridge if we're both vegetarians?" "Oh, uh, pshh, we just" "I keep them around for, ahem, guests, friends, stray animals." "Okay, I swapped the sausages." "It's done." "Lord forgive me." "Thanks very much." "Here." "What's that?" "Golden Bratwurst." "That's a good-sized sausage." "Yeah, it feels even bigger when you hold it in your hands." "Maybe we should talk about this someplace else." "How about the men's bathroom?" "No, definitively not." "Look, just hide the sausage." "I wish I hadn't said it quite like that." "Happy Porktoberfest." "Just put it down." "âª" "Ah." "Thank you." "âª" "Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day." "But give a man a sausage, and he's way happier than that guy with the fish." "Yes." "Happy Porktoberfest, everyone!" "WOMAN:" "Yes!" "(Crowd cheering)" "Boy, I taste meaty!" "I bet!" "Whoo!" "Dan, the man!" "That was awesome!" "All I really did was eat a sausage." "Are you kidding?" "That's the Golden Bratwurst, the GB, the big prize." "How did that taste?" "You know, like a sausage." "Now, come on, man." "Between friends?" "I'm not sure what else I can tell you." "Just as I suspected." "You're suspecting something?" "Yeah." "You're trying not to make me jealous." "Oh, yeah, you got me." "Busted." "Yeah." "It tasted that good, huh?" "Oh, yeah, yeah, like an angel fell to earth and was put through a grinder." "Mm!" "Can I smell your breath?" "No." "No." "Cool." "Wait a minute." "If you're not going to eat that, drop it in the basket." "Oh, I don't think so." "A crime has just been committed." "And as Hambassador, I'm going to have to commandeer that vehicle." "Move it!" "This is all just a big misunderstanding." "Oh, then maybe you can help us misunderstand this." "I can explain." "We're way past explaining." "You're going away for a long time." "Where am I going?" "Probably jail." "No one's going to jail." "You're right." "Jail's too good for this scumbag." "He'll probably just learn to become a better criminal." "We just don't understand, Mr. Mayor." "Did we infuse the sausage with too much fennel?" "You say the word." "I'll have men fired." "No, no, no, it's nothing like that." "I'm a vegetarian." "You disgust me." "Well, someone ate part of the sausage." "It's impossible for anyone to resist." "Probably they see it in the garbage;" "They can't help themselves." "Why did you just tell us you were a vegetarian?" "It's just such a great tradition, and I wanted to honour it, but I can't eat meat." "You can't or you won't, Dan?" "Well, I for one appreciate your honesty." "Oh, I get it." "I'll play bad cop." "Isn't there someplace you need to be?" "Not really, no." "The little porkers' fashion show is not for another hour or so." "I'm good." "Well, no harm done." "What do you say we keep this between ourselves?" "I appreciate your understanding." "Not a problem." "Now if you'll excuse me, I got pigs to kill." "Not without me you don't." ""Veggie mayor shocks Wessex with sausage swap"?" "So much for keeping it quiet." "FYI, avoid setting your Google search to "sausage swap."" "So, Dan, seems your little switcheroo made the papers." "That's right." "I'm the one who broke the wiener-gate story, and I'm proud of it." "Let me guess." "You coined the phrase "wiener-gate" too?" "Porktoberfest is my house, Dan." "You show your respect in my house." "I'm sorry." "I meant no disrespect." "And that's not easy to say to a man wearing knee-high white socks." "Joke's on you, Dan." "They're stockings." "You know that pad thai you're eating has shrimp in it, right?" "Whoa, how did that get there?" "Good eye, Dan." "Though to be fair, shrimp isn't really a "meat" meat." "It's like sausage." "I have a plan." "Is it a full plan or just half an idea you intend to fill out while you talk to me?" "A photo op to show you in a more positive light in this whole meat thing." "Friendly, fun." "Oh, great, where?" "Abattoir." "Push a button;" "Kill a hundred pigs." "That's a terrible idea." "Normally you'd have to wear a mask, but of course, for obvious reasons, we need to see your face." "So big smiles." " That's completely inappropriate." "DAN:" "Yeah." "Why won't we do a photo op at Fern's tonight, and Dan can eat a hamburgers?" "Wait, better idea." "We'll both go to Fern's, and I'll eat a hamburger with you as a show of support." "Let's get me on the radio." "Ooh, I don't like the radio." "Can't trust 'em." "Everyone understands" ""Push a button;" "Kill a hundred pigs."" "So, Mr. Mayor, why the sudden sausage swap?" "Some people say it's a slap to our meat-eating faces." "Oh, no, no, no, not at all." "No, it's" " It's just-- I'm a vegetarian." "Wow!" "Vegetarian, huh?" "Yeah, but that's not why I'm here." "I'm here to boost Porktoberfest." "This veggie lifestyle seems to be agreeing with you." "What are you, a 36 waist?" "Oh, 32." "Wow!" "But let's get back to talking about all the great things about Porktoberfest." "Probably walked here, didn't you?" "Yeah, well, City Hall is just next door." "Impressive!" "Heck, last week at breakfast," "I got chest pains just lifting up the cream boat." "Got all dizzy, and next thing you know," "I'm face-down in my meatloaf." "Anyway, Porktoberfest" "You know, maybe you're right, Dan." "Maybe we do eat too much meat." "No, I didn't say that." "I think we can all learn something here today from this fit, trim, lean young mayor." "Who loves Porktoberfest." "Caller, you're on the line with Dan Phillips, the svelte young mayor who stood up to pork!" "And said no!" "No, I never said that!" "CALLER:" "Way to go, Dan." "I'm getting my third triple bypass." "I wish I had said no." "No, look, everyone stop saying no!" "It's Porktoberfest!" "No pork!" "No pork!" "No, more pork!" "Yeah!" "No more pork!" "No more pork!" "Well, well, if it isn't the guy who killed Porktoberfest." "No, I tried to save it." "Fern's is supposed to be pork central." "Our Pulled-pork-off is Saturday." "If people don't show, a lot of meat is going down the toilet." "Or in a sidewalk planter." "Whatever is less conspicuous." "You want this meat in the freezer?" "No, no more meat." "Take it back." "Ah, but you already paid for it." "I have nowhere to put it." "Take it home to your family." "Enjoy!" "Sorry, but I heard the mayor on the radio." "The less of this stuff I eat, the better." "No, I didn't say that." "No, eat it." "It's good." "(Chuckling)" "Wha--?" "No." "I" "(Groaning)" "CLAIRE:" "Mike?" "Turn off the light." "I found your lederhosen in the microwave." "Why did you take them out?" "I was trying to burn them." "Can you please put them back in and press "whole turkey"?" "Thirty pound." "I had to heat up my lunch." "I'm the worst Hambassador ever." "Porktoberfest has completely tanked on my watch." "Maybe it is a better job for high school kids." "A little lunch might cheer you up." "Not hungry." "Smell it." "What is that?" "Bacon-wrapped pork kabobs from Fern's." "They're super-cheap." "Aren't you a vegetarian?" "If eating meat helps those like Fern who were most hurt by Dan's comments, then I have no choice but to eat this offensive and saucy kabob." "Hand me my hosen." "Where are you going?" "To save Porktoberfest." "Where's my hat?" "Stuck in the paper shredder." "Right." "Let me guess." "You want a salad or some soy-arugula crap." "You see these leather shorts?" "Do you see the remains of this hat and the hot button still melting into my skin?" "They all say that I am here to eat meat." "Great, well, what will you have?" "Bacon soup chops and sausages, tenderloin and the pig cheeks." "Coming up!" "Here's your pork." "But you just ordered from me." "Yeah, these are the appetizers." "Maybe you should slow down a little bit." "Don't discourage him." "It's the best business we've had in days." "I'm going to need something to drink." "What, like a pork smoothie?" "Done." "I'm not making you a pork smoothie." "I'm on it." "(Buzzing)" "Without a doubt, this is the worst Porktoberfest ever." "He's right, Dan." "This is completely your fault." "I don't think he said it was my fault." "Just trying to help." "We have three days to turn this thing around." "Which is pretty much impossible." "Alan, would you mind?" "If we don't get more people out," "I'm going to have to let a lot of pigs live." "And they all want to shine during Porktoberfest." "(Sighing)" "Fern's is holding a Pulled-pork-off this weekend." "I turned Wessigonians off meat." "It's time to turn them back on." "So here's what I'm prepared to do." "Eat a pulled-pork sandwich." "That's great." "No, no, I insist." "I said, that's great!" "Don't even try to talk me out of it." "Really, great!" "You sure you guys don't think it's too panicky and drastic?" "Just eat the meat." "So there's something I should tell you." "I" "I said I'd eat a pulled-pork sandwich to help Porktoberfest." "But you-- We don't eat meat." "I know." "I just thought something had to be done." "So that's just the way it's going to be, is it?" "You're going to eat meat, so maybe I should eat meat." "Is that it?" "What?" "No." "Why is there a roast chicken in our fridge?" "Because apparently we're meat eaters now, and meat eaters have roast chickens in their fridge, Dan." "Look, you don't have to eat that." "No, it's too late." "You shot your mouth off, and now here I am." "I guess we would start throwing out some of our old favourites too." "Goodbye, soy cheese!" "Goodbye, lentil loaf!" "Anything else you never want to see in our kitchen again?" "Well, actually, I never really liked rice milk." "Goodbye, rilk!" "What gives, Dan?" "I finally wrapped my head around you being vegetarian, and now you're going to eat meat?" "Your bi-dietary lifestyle is confusing me." "I'm sorry." "I meant to tell you." "You know, you're not the only one with secrets." "Here's something I bet you didn't know about me." "Jeff is your middle name." "Jeff is my middle name." "My first name is" " Jerry." " Jerry!" "You see, Dan?" "There's an ocean of hidden gems that old Jerry Jeff is sitting on." "How does it feel?" "Look, Jeff" " Or Jerry." "I'm not keeping secrets." "This is just a one-time thing." "Well, for a guy who hasn't eaten meat in 15 years, you're taking a real chance doing it in public for the first time." "I'll be fine." "Here." "What is that?" "Surplus meat from the bar." "I was going to throw it from my car, but you need to practice." "Oh, I don't know." "Now, better to face your demons now, when it's just me." "On the count of three." "One." "Two." " I ca" " I can't do this." " Three!" "I said three!" "(Sighing)" "Looks like we're going for a drive." "Mike, are you okay?" "I'm not going to lie." "I'm feeling a little dizzy, but I think it's just my body getting used to the adjustment of all the protein." "(Groaning)" "Maybe you should see a doctor." "A vegetarian like you wouldn't understand, Claire." "This is what a healthy body full of iron looks like." "At least eat an apple or something." "Only if it's in a pig's mouth." "Mm!" "âª" "CLAIRE:" "I'm sure he'll be fine." "He'll be more than fine." "I swapped out the pulled pork in Dan's sandwich with pulled mock pork." "Why would you do that?" "Because Dan's my friend." "Also I just had the carpets cleaned." "Ahem, I'm here today for Porktoberfest." "No matter what some newspaper article says about Wessex," "I see plenty of relatively healthy people who've eaten meat their entire lives." "(Scooter beeping)" "And" " And if a vegetarian like me can enjoy Porktoberfest, so can you!" "Not so fast!" "I'm not going to let you turn Porktoberfest into a joke." "You all right?" "Yeah, I'm great." "Yeah, I mean, I may have fainted a few times on the way over, but I'm pretty sure this isn't a dream." "So let's do this." "As Hambassador, I raise this sandwich to pork!" "Mm." "Oh, my God." "Ugh!" "That is the worst thing I ever tasted." "Okay." "Hm, it's not bad." "In fact, it's pretty good." "(Scooter beeping)" "Whoa!" "Change of plans." "The pork stays here." "But I was just going to take this to the zoo." "I rented a wood chipper and everything." "We got sandwiches to serve." "Fine but the lions are going to be pissed." "I guess I'm not a vegetarian anymore." " Well, actually" " You win some; you lose some." "Here, have a wing." "No, thanks." "I'll level with you." "Your pulled-pork sandwich was just pulled tofu." "For real?" "Ah, good." "I was a little upset I enjoyed it too much." "There he is, the man who saved Porktoberfest." "And there's the man who threw up at Porktoberfest." "I'm sorry." "I've let the entire pork community down." "I don't deserve these." "How long have you been wearing them?" "Eleven days straight." "Hey, Fern, you still got that wood chipper?"