"(THEME SONG PLAYING)" "(HAMMERING)" "Yep, without me, Judy, your pretty little legs wouldn't have a balcony to stand on." "Is it secure?" "That baby's as secure as I am." "Why?" "What, you don't think I'm secure?" "(CRASHING NOISE) (BOY GROANING)" "Oh, Dylan, are you okay?" "Dylan?" "I have no feeling in my arms or my legs!" "Oh, great." "Now I've got no Romeo." "Okay!" "Who built the balcony?" "Okay, in retrospect, it might have been foolish of me to consider paste the nail's silent cousin." "But you live, you learn." "I have 400 people coming, not to mention Mr. Joffrey Menell, the esteemed theater critic from the PennySaver." "What do you suggest I do?" "Well, you're really old." "Why don't you retire?" "(MACHINE POWERING UP)" "Dylan, are you sure you can't go on?" "Clear!" "What about just the matinee?" "Okay, okay, I'll just get some tights, and I'll take these funny little booties here." "Thanks." "You Romeo?" "'Tis to laugh." "'Tis it?" ""O my love," ""my wife!" ""Thou art not conquered" ""Beauty's ensign yet" ""Is crimson in thy lips and in thy cheeks," ""And death's pale flag has not advanced there."" "Oh, my." "That was exquisite." "Yeah, well, been building that balcony since the first rehearsal." "I can do the whole play." "I can do Lady Capulet, I can do Friar Laurence," "I can do Cartman." "(IMITATING CARTMAN) I'm not fat." "I'm festively plump." "Please, go and put your tights on." "Okay." "But I do have the part, right?" "Mercutio slain!" "Fire-eyed fury be my conduct now." "Now, Tybalt, take the villain back again for Mercutio's soul is but a little way above our heads, waiting for thine to keep him company." "Either thou or I, or both must go with him!" "Thou, wretched boy, that didst consort him here shalt with him hence." "This shall determine that." "(WHISPERS) Prepare to die, Jedi Master." "Bravo, Eric!" "Bravo!" "I haven't seen such raw talent since I directed Meryl Streep in the 1977 senior class production of The Meryl Streep Show." "Eric, you were amazing." "You know something?" "You didn't like me at all before I became Romeo, did you?" "But now all of a sudden all these people are applauding for me, and that impresses you." "You know, there's a name for people like you." "Really?" "What?" "Mrs. Eric Matthews." "I have finally found my niece." "You mean niche." "Probably." "Unbelievable." "These reviews are incredible." "Look, Mom, if you're gonna pay attention to the good reviews, you gotta look at the bad ones." "But there are no bad ones." "I know!" "(LAUGHING)" "Listen to this." ""Matthews' King Lear rules."" ""Matthews' performance would tame any shrew."" "Promise me you won't let these things go to your head." "I would never." "Oh, look." "Bloomingdale's is having a white sale." "That's not about me!" "Come on, Jack!" "Cory's gonna be here, like... (DOORBELL BUZZING)" "Now." "Get your coat!" "Topanga." "What are you doing here?" "There's something I want to talk to you about." "Well, actually, we were just on our way out." "I just want to make sure you and I are okay." "Yeah, yeah, we're okay." "Why?" "Well, I know since Cory and I broke up, things have been kind of weird between us." "I care about being your friend." "Jack!" "What happened to your face?" "Apparently she doesn't care about being my friend." "We're on our way to a basketball game." "Now is not the time to be making fun of Jack's face." "No, he's not going anywhere." "Those look like chicken pox." "Do they itch?" "No, not really." "However, these are a little irritating." "All right, you've got it." "This is serious." "If you don't take care of these now, you could get really sick." "I don't want to die." "Nobody's dying." "We are going to the game." "(DOORBELL BUZZES)" "That's Cory." "No!" "Cory!" "Don't come in here!" "CORY:" "Okay." "Topanga, what are you doing in there?" "She's trying to keep us from going to see the Sixers." "Cory, they have chicken pox!" "Run away, or you could catch them!" "Save your breath, Topanga." "He is not going to listen to you." "I can't believe how whipped that boy is." "And what do you mean, "They have chicken pox"?" "I don't want to die." "You're not going to die." "I'm going to stay here and take care of both of you." "Jack has full-blown chicken pox, and you have half-blown chicken pox." "That is so ridiculous, okay." "If I have chicken pox, where are my dots?" "Should I connect them for you?" "Oh, man, you're dying worse than I am." "I feel fine." "So I have dots." "That's because it hasn't hit you yet." "When I had it, I had dots, a fever, and I couldn't stand on my own two feet." "At any time during this sickness, did you ever get quiet?" "I'll excuse that because I know you're sick." "I am not sick." "I have never felt better." "Or perhaps I have." "Put out your arms now." "There he is!" "(EXCLAIMING)" "You know, the real tragedy tonight is that William Shakespeare couldn't be here to see how good you are." "He'll come tomorrow." "I mean, we're here all week." "Unbelievable." "I cannot believe how deeply you feel up there, Eric." "I mean, when you jumped into Ophelia's grave, overcome with emotion, and then wept openly, where did you get your motivation?" "They got it right here in the script." "Look." ""Weeps openly."" "I mean, they tell you what to do." "Indeed." "A true thespian." "Eric." "There are some gentlemen here who want to talk to you about your future." "Are they gypsies?" "Randolf Dickson." "Juilliard." "What's that?" "The most prestigious acting school in the country." "Sir Ralph Kramdensen, RSC." "What's that?" "Royal Shakespeare Company." "The most famous theatrical company in the world." "Excuse me." "Matt Frazier, ABC." "What's that?" "The American Broadcasting Company, the number one network alphabetically in the world." "How would you like to come to Hollywood and be on television?" "Me?" "In the TV?" "I'm home." "This is where I belong." "Thanks for coming with me, Mr. Feeny." "It would have been so uncool if my parents came." "I'm just here to see that you get settled." "Now, remember, keep both your feet on the ground." "This town is swimming with sharks." "Hey!" "Stop attacking my town." "And the people here are real down-to-earth, good kindly folk." "Hey!" "Get out of my space!" "Hey, there's one of them now." "Hi, nice person." "What do I have to do, call my attorney?" "Get out of my space!" "Thank you." "You're welcome." "And who might you be, little girl?" "I'm not a little girl." "I'm 42." "I just play little girls on TV." "Hello." "Eric." "Are you sure you want to go through with this?" "More than anything." ""And as he looked into her dying eyes" ""and gently cradled her dying head," ""he knew they would be together again someday."" "In heaven?" "Yes." "Okay, Topanga." "It's very nice." "My brother and I appreciate everything you're doing for us, but we're all better now." "So the next time we get chicken pox, we'll give you a call." "Shawn, stop scratching." "Topanga," "I really don't want your help." "Well, I do, Shawn." "Topanga's a good nurse." "My fever's down to malaria level." "I think I can go back to my village now." "He's delirious." "Jack, you can't get off this couch, okay?" "Okay." "I don't care what he says, I want you to stay." "Jack..." "Shawn, it's okay." "He doesn't know what he's saying." "It's the fever talking." "That's not right." "He doesn't want to be friends with you because you broke up with Cory." "That means you were never really friends." "No friends." "No friends at all." "Although it seems to be a very perceptive fever, doesn't it?" "Hey, Eric!" "Hey, come here, buddy." "Meet some of the cast in your new family for the next 100 episodes, I hope, I hope, I hope!" "Hey, guys, this is Eric Matthews." "He's going to be playing the role of the long-lost brother." "He's come all the way from Philadelphia to try out, so let's make him feel welcome." "Yeah." "This is our star, Ben Sandwich." "Hey, maybe you've heard of his brother, Bread Sandwich?" "Oh, from that show!" "Yeah!" "Hey, how you doin'?" "Listen, let me tell you what this show is not." "This is not Long-lost Brother Gets Acquainted With the Universe, okay?" "Okay." "How you doin'?" "Sometimes I get shy." "People who aren't shy make me nervous." "Hi!" "Oh, no, it's her." "Are you the new guy?" "Yeah." "Hi!" "Welcome!" "Hi." "Have you met Schneider?" "Schneider is very shy." "Too close, too close, too close, too close!" "Deep down, I'm shy, too." "I'm a wounded bird." "Schneider and me are wounded birds." "Help me!" "Why do they need you?" "What?" "Well, they got me already." "Why do they need you?" "Actually, they just told me..." "They got me." "This doesn't make any sense." "If they got me, why do they need you?" "Where's my banana?" "Is it or is it not 2:15?" "Hey, banana boy!" "Where's my banana boy?" "All right, mango boy." "You're promoted, baby." "Nutty." "Okay." "Mr. Feeny, these people are..." "Mr. Feeny?" "You call this a classroom?" "There are only nine desks." "Are we supposed to believe there are only 9 students in the whole class?" "Well, actually, camera angles will make it appear to be more." "That's diabolical." "All right, everybody, let's show Eric how it's done." "Into costumes." "Come on." "Hey, Schneider, listen." "Maybe you could give me a little something to play off today, okay?" "You dead person." "You silent freak." "You know, I am so sick and tired of carrying this show." "Sorry, Mr. Sandwich." "Please don't be upset with me." "I need this job so I can pay for college and get an education." "(LAUGHS) Education?" "Son, listen, this show goes four years, they'll give you an honorary degree." "You'll be Dr. Creepy Weirdo." "Okay, come on, places." "All right." "Three, two, one, action." "Look, Rory, all you have to do is get the keys to your father's car and his credit card..." "I don't know, Shane." "I got a real bad feeling about this one." "You know?" "I've never done anything like this before..." "Oh, man!" "We're doing this story again?" "How many times have we done this, Matt, 100,000?" "He's yelling again." "Stop the yelling." "How can I learn so much every week and still be so stupid?" "Make him stop!" "Make him stop!" "Okay, okay, we'll get the writers to fix it." "Come on, Ben, we got the best writers in town." "Yeah, that's all I hear, Matt!" ""They're young, they're hip, they're fun."" "Hey!" "Do your jobs!" "Oh, what's wrong?" "Did I hurt your feelings?" "Good!" "Because you know what this script is?" "Poopy!" "It's not poopy!" "You're poopy!" "Oh, boy." "That was a good thing to say." "Let's just watch what happens now." "All right, that's it!" "You're fired, all of you!" "Get out!" "And clean out your cubbies!" "Oh, yeah?" "Well, you can kiss my diapered butt." "I am too old and too rich." "Mommy, I'm fired again." "Okay, Eric, you're playing Derek, right?" "The older, good-looking, not the sharpest knife in the drawer, long-lost brother with a heart of gold." "You think you can play that?" "Can do." "You don't mean real gold, right?" "Just like that." "Okay?" "We ready to roll?" "As they say here in Hollywood," ""And action."" "Ouchy Mcgouchy, little bro!" "If I can't have my lucky tube socks," "I shall never pass the astronaut test." "That was great, Eric!" "I personally loved it." "Don't do it that way, okay?" "Don't do Shakespeare." "Do you." "Don't do Shakespeare?" "All I've ever done is Shakespeare." "Do you." "The role is you, Eric." "Do you." "I don't know how to do that." "Just be honest." "Acting is about honesty." "So, all I have to do is just stand up here and just be honest?" "That's it." "I can do that." "Sure!" "All right." "Hey, let's take it from Ben's line." "And action." "I'm really sorry, Derek, but I washed your lucky tube socks, and, well..." "You're not sorry." "What?" "What, all of a sudden the cameras are on you, you're a different person?" "What's that all about?" "What?" "What?" "I just saw the way you were acting with the writers over there." "You're just mean." "Methinks you shrunk my socks on purpose." "Like that?" "And cut!" "Sorry for dragging you out to California, Mr. Feeny." "I had no idea the Windy City would be so cruel." "Eric, just because Mr. Frazier didn't like your performance and we got thrown out of the studio, doesn't mean you weren't good." "I mean, that's just one man's opinion." "Well, what's your opinion?" "Same as his." "But what you have to understand is that what comes easily goes just as easily." "I mean, if you want to be an actor badly enough, you have to take classes, study for years, face rejection on a daily basis, and then after 10,000 nos, there might be a glimmer of a chance" "that someone might say yes." "Next I want to be the heavyweight champion of the world." "Great." "Let's go home." "Okay." "Hey, bud." "Goin' to the grocery store." "You want anything?" "No." "Thanks for asking." "You're welcome." "Hey, you're sure there's nothing you need, right?" "Like maybe to call up a friend and tell her you're sorry?" "I don't know what you're talking about." "You know who I mean." "Come on." "She took care of us." "She was here for a couple of days." "Now she hasn't been around." "You know the one I mean." "Her name rhymes with noshmanga." "It's not my fault, Jack." "This is what happens when you're friends with a couple and they break up." "You're forced to choose sides." "And Cory's my best friend." "Yeah." "I'm sure she realizes that." "Well, yeah, thanks to you." "Hey, look, my temperature was, like, 112." "I didn't know what I was saying." "It's okay." "I'm sure she felt uncomfortable, too." "She's not coming back." "Yeah, you're probably right." "Hey." "There's my favorite nurse." "Thank you." "Look, Shawn." "I know you're in a tough situation." "Cory's your best friend." "You know, he used to tell me how wonderful you were." "But guys always say great things about their girlfriends until they break up." "And that's when the truth comes out." "You know, I've waited 15 years to find out what he really thinks about you." "Do you want to know what he thinks about you now that you're broken up?" "Shawn, I don't want to talk about that." "You know, I just came here to tell you that you are an unappreciative little jerk, and if you're so uncomfortable around me that we can't be friends now that I'm not seeing Cory, then maybe we were never really friends at all." "And I want you to tell me that to my face." "Now that you've broken up, he still tells me how wonderful you are." "He's completely brokenhearted over what he's lost." "So am I." "(SIGHS) Cory's my best friend." "But I want to tell you to your face that if I knew that you and I weren't friends anymore" "it'd break my heart, too." "You want soup?" "Will you feed it to me?" "Where are they?" "What are you looking for?" "I'm supposed to shoot hoops." "I can't find them anywhere." "Can't find what?" "My tube socks!" "My lucky tube socks." "Have you by any chance seen them anywhere?" "Oh, uh..." "You're gonna find this kind of hard to believe, Eric, but, last night for no logical reason that you could possibly think of," "I did the wash instead of Mom, and..." "Well..." "This is so funny." "Where are my lucky tube socks?" "Well." "I don't think they're so lucky anymore." "That's not the line." "What?" "The line was, "Honey, I shrunk the tube socks."" "Oh, I know." "I'm sorry, Will." "I was trying something new." "Oh!" "You were just..." "You were trying something new, huh?" "Yeah." "Here, why don't you try this, huh?" "Is this new?" "Does this all look new to you?" "Here's new!" "Yeah!" "I quit!" "I'm out of here!" "Cory!" "Eric!" "Guess what!" "I blew up another mailbox." "What, Will flip out again?" "Yeah, yeah, he did." "What are we gonna do?" "I mean, he's gonna be hard to replace." "Yeah, you're right." "Hey, banana boy!" "Want to be a star?" "Huh?"