"Ice tea, Jack?" "Sure, Mrs. Miranda." "Sure is hot, isn't it, Jack?" "It sure is, Mrs. Miranda." "Please, call me Jilly." "Sure, Mrs. Miranda." "Um, Jilly." "I like that... the way my name sounds... coming off your lips." "Jack and Jilly." "Jack and Jilly went up the hilly." "What are you doing?" "Relax, Jack." "Mrs. Miranda, where is Mr. Miranda?" "Wait, Jack." "What?" "What are you doing?" "What?" "!" "It was too quick." "It was too fucking quick." "What are you talking about?" "Quiver, quake, tremble a little." "I didn't feel any nervousness." "It was just like the last time... and the time before." "Just like last time and the time before?" "Jack and Jilly?" "Jack and Jilly went up the hilly?" "How many times are you going to use..." "Jack and Jilly went up the hilly?" "I like Jack and Jilly went up the hilly." "Yeah, I know you do." "Well, listen, pal... this is my fucking fantasy." "When you get your own pool... you can orchestrate your own fantasies." "Fine." "Two words for you, little man." "Jackie Fucking Collins." "Bone up." "Jack and Jilly went up the hilly... to get a pail of water." "Give it to me!" "What in fuck's sake is going on here?" "Burt!" "I can explain." "You see what I just did there?" "I was beginning to suspect things." "You see, Jack?" "I see." "He raped me, Burt." "He raped me!" "Jilly, Jilly..." "shut up!" "You want to do something about that thing?" "Burt!" "No, Burt!" "Mr. Miranda..." "The pool guy." "The pool guy." "You know what upsets me most... hand to god... is that you are a great pool guy, Jack." "When Salvatore was our pool guy..." "I could never open my eyes underwater." "There was too much chlorine, they burned for a week." "But with you, my eyes are always open." "I can play that game." "You know, the one where I toss a penny... in the deep end... and then go hunt for it." "With Salvatore..." "I could never play that game." "You weren't" "No, Burt!" "This smells like shit." "It's because they're grown in shit." "You look at them?" "They're blue, means they're good." "Pilot!" "What's it going to be?" "I only have 30 bucks." "Pilot!" "Look, just forget it, all right?" "Go read a book." "Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Jack Hayes... the God of Fuck." "Bro, you're never going to believe this shit!" "I am so fucking fucked." "I just had a" "I already heard, dude." "You heard?" "Yeah, Dylan and Wheezer were by." "Yo, what did they say?" "Whatever, dude, they're voids." "The point is, Jack, can you find someone... a little more dangerous to fuck?" "No." "But I tried, bro, I really fucking did." "How was it?" "Oh, man, it was sick." "Give it to me." "Give it to me." "He shoves a .45" "straight up my fucking nose." "Grabbed this lamp" "Yeah, dude." "Did you nut?" "Come on, Pilot." "No, of course not." "Because no girl is worthy... of the God of Fuck." "So what are you going to do?" "About what?" "You've got to get the hell out of Dodge." "What are you talking about, man?" "Burt Miranda." "Yeah?" "Yeah, Burt Miranda!" "Yeah, I know Burt Miranda, I was just in his bed." "You've got to bolt, Jack!" "What do you mean, I've got to bolt?" "Do you know how much he paid for those tits?" "No, how much did he pay for those titties?" "No sympathy, man." "I got no sympathy for you!" "Come on." "I've been telling you for months" "Jilly Miranda is black death." "You don't listen." "You don't listen." "Yeah, sweet Connie." "Y'all remember sweet Connie?" "Single, no kids... full-blown football scholarship to State." "It all changed when that..." "Delilah-eyed sweet, sweet Connie... moved to town." "Jerry, Rodney, Shaker, Dale, Big Bill, Clark." "Dad, the name's Dad." "Little Bootie." "Nice work with Jilly." "What?" "I said, nice work with Jilly." "You heard, too?" "Look, the thing about owning a pecker... is you've got to be responsible with it." "Check it out, Bootie..." "Clark's doling out some fatherly advice." "He's drunk." "I'm not drunk." "Just a little happy." "Yo, Bootie." "I got to take off." "I know." "For a while." "Maybe a long while." "Yeah." "Late." "Late." "You know, the inside of her thigh..." "Texture like I never came across again." "Hey, Mrs. Kelson." "Pilot ain't in." "He's at school." "He graduated two years ago, Mrs. Kelson." "Whatever." "Where's your boy, Hayes?" "Which boy would that be?" "Jack." "Everybody know these fellas?" "Work for Burt Miranda." "Used to call you 'Miranda's Pandas.'" "What are we going to do?" "Well, we're not going to play... the 'is it me?" "' game again, all right?" "Not again." "OK." "All right." "But is it me?" "No." "What is it?" "A war wound." "Really?" "Maybe." "But you do think I'm hot." "Pilot!" "Oh, sorry, Pi." "Pilot, I got to talk to you." "Bye, Lucy." "Bye." "Pandas came by Propane Lane." "Oh, let the games begin." "Look, he won't kill you, all right?" "That's for sure." "I mean, he's too rich... he's paved half the valley... he's got major juice." "Every wiseguy and high roller... comes through Vegas knows Burt Miranda." "So if he won't kill me, what does he want?" "You know, every hoodlum has his thing." "Burt Miranda's is, he has the Pandas... break the feet of his enemy." "Break my feet?" "He ain't breaking' my feet." "Broken feet are the worst, like black death." "Totally gothic." "I mean, like, you can't use crutches, you can't sit in a wheelchair... because the weight distribution... making all the blood flow to your ankles... and making it worse." "You can't do shit." "I mean, you hobble." "No, no, you stumble." "You stumble about." "It's completely gothic." "He ain't breaking' my feet." "He is if he bags you." "Well, he ain't baggin' me." "Because we're out of here." "'We?" "'" "Yeah, we." "Oh, man, I told you, Jack!" "I've got a lot of things going on here!" "Pilot, you're a lifeguard... in a therapy pool, for Christ's sake." "Look, I got to go to Scawldy's and cash out..." "I got to take Lucy back to work..." "I got to rent videos..." "I got to pick up some TV dinners for my mom" "You've been talking... about leaving the Veg for-for- since you were two!" "This is enough." "No!" "Come on!" "I'm out of here!" "Bro" "No!" "!" "Bro, it'll be like..." "Luke Duke, and the other guy." "Really?" "Yeah." "No!" "God!" "What am I supposed to do?" "You should go to Seattle." "Seattle?" "Definitely Seattle." "Why Seattle?" "Does the phrase, 'What the fuck... 'difference does it make to your ass, Jack... you ain't got no place else to go,' mean anything to you right now?" "All right, all right!" "God, just tell me why." "Pop quiz." "Go." "Number of furious kill boys... that want to make wine out of your feet?" "Three." "Number of options you've got?" "Well, you know..." "Number of options you've got, Jack?" "I've got an aunt in South Dakota." "Jack." "What?" "Number of options you've got?" "Few." "Destination?" "Seattle?" "Perfect score." "Gold star, Jacky." "Higher, bring it higher." "Get it all." "No fucking around." "Come on, bro." "Keep it steady, hold it steady." "What's up, ladies?" "Boys!" "What up!" "What's up, Jack?" "Jack!" "The God of Fuck, bro!" "Bro, Jilly Miranda." "Oh, no." "Hello?" "Hello?" "Bad dick!" "Very bad dick!" "Bad dick!" "Well, since I'm down here," "I might as well just for a little bit" "How does everybody on Planet Fricking Earth... know this shit already?" "You guys never know anything." "You don't even know... that Kennedy was assassinated." "Wait, George Kennedy was assassinated?" "Bro, Jilly Miranda is a deviant, OK?" "She's a major deve." "She gets off on causing trouble, OK?" "But did she at least... make you bust a little coo-coo?" "Did you?" "1 1 years... he hasn't busted a nut, right?" "Hey, five." "Taking it off over here, boss." "Hey, Pilot, you little fuck, did you sell that boom?" "Yeah." "Hey, shut up." "Mayhem, shut the fuck up!" "All right." "The hound has some major trust issues... with our boy Pilot here." "Yo, wiping it off over here, boss." "Listen, I tell you, putting you down at that water park... was an entrepreneurial milestone." "Speaking of which... there's a rave over by Whiskey Pete's." "Yo, sip of water over here, boss." "Will you shut the fuck up for a blink of an eye!" "I want you over there... with some GHB and some window pane, all right?" "Yo, I can't." "What?" "I can't, man." "I'm going with Jack." "Going with Jack where?" "Scawldy!" "Scawldy!" "I've got to bail." "Of course, right." "Burt Miranda." "Of course, of course." "All right, man, that's cool." "Where you guys headed?" "We're thinking Seattle, you know?" "Jilly Miranda, man..." "I'd like to take a ride on her." "Little sweet ass pooper, you know what I mean?" "Wahoo!" "Let's go." "No, Scawldy, look..." "I've got to get out of here, all right?" "What is your rush, boys?" "Come on, you've got the world... by a fucking string right here." "Scawldy!" "I've got to go." "Yo, man, can I have my cut?" "They're after my fucking toes, man." "Fuck!" "!" "Well, otay." "Where you guys going?" "Detroit?" "Dee-troit?" "Yeah, Detroit." "Detroit's cool." "Right on." "Detroit's got that old school shit... you know what I'm saying?" "Like Motor City Madman, Ted Fucking Nugent, man." "I got you in a stranglehold, baby" "You know, Scawld... we're thinking about getting a stake." "Sell as we go, finance the trip." "The Detroit trip." "What are you boys thinking about?" "What do you need?" "Well, what do you got?" "What have I got?" "Dude, what have I got?" "I got it all, man!" "I got- I'm the fucking" "Dude, I'm the fucking thing... what is that thing at Thanksgiving... the horn thing, the fucking horn thing... overflowing with goodies?" "The fucking horn thing... with all the fucking goodies coming out." "Nice working with you, fuckface." "What do you call that thing?" "A cornucopia." "Aha, there you go." "Pilot, my man, knows everything." "He's a regular goddamn Pat Sajak!" "I got it all." "I got the kind, daffy fucking bud, man... the hydro nuggety-nugs... red fiber... herbal medications sweep upon the nation." "The red, red, red, red fiber, you know what I'm saying?" "I've got an amino acid concoction... marinating in the back right now, man." "It creates a totally profound excursion." "It opens up all your fucking pleasure glands... you know what I'm saying?" "You're like in a field of snow... but you're really in sand... and you're making a goddamn little angel." "Good God almighty, you're creating symphonies, you had no idea!" "You'll be a genius, my friend." "I got rock soaked in the wine cooler." "I've got wine cooler that's been soaked in rock!" "I got these new 'ludes in powdered form." "You snort it up!" "Your head flies open!" "The bats fly in, they shoot out!" "I fucking snapped out of it..." "I chomped about four of them, right?" "And I was fucking the Coke machine... in the Motel 6." "She was coming Fresca, man, like crazy." "I got some mushroom tea." "I got some ecstasy." "I got some opium." "And I think I hear the police coming after me." "I hear the police coming, I hear the police coming," "I hear the police coming after me." "What's it going to be, boys?" "How about you give us two Z's of endo, 100 hits of E, and a page of blotter?" "That's my man, pots and pans." "I have it ready." "I'll fill your order." "I can't believe that you told him..." "'We're thinking Seattle.'" "What kind of total void are you, Jack?" "Pilot, relax, man." "He thinks we're going to Detroit." "Yeah?" "Man, tomorrow morning... that freak wakes up... his nipple ring's been torn off... he's got a brand-new monkey in his closet... and a 14-year-old Asian boy... lying next to him is in a diabetic coma... he won't remember a fucking thing about last night... except that we're taking our trick asses to Seattle!" "Give me the keys." "So we don't go to Seattle." "We'll just go someplace else." "Someplace else?" "Yeah, like I said..." "I've got an aunt in South Dakota." "I got a cousin... in Albuquerque, Tempe, Valencia." "Oh, bro!" "There's a black belt convention in Reno!" "Come on!" "No." "It's cool." "You're right." "I mean, Scawldy thinks we're going to Detroit... let's go to Seattle." "Hi, you've reached the Carnes's." "Billy's in Boston, Amy's in Seattle... but we're still here, so leave a message." "That Lucy?" "Uh, yeah." "How did she take it?" "She took it fine, you know, I mean... shit, all she's going to be without... are my clever observations." "You bang her yet?" "Not even close, man." "If 'bang her'... is an island off the Caribbean... me and Lucy are stuck in traffic in Jersey." "Whatever." "The point is... you haven't been to the Dan D. Fine." "Of course not, have you?" "Clark brought me there when I was 12." "Good old Clark!" "Who needs Disneyland?" "It's on the way, maybe we could stop by." "What for?" "If there's something wrong with your pipe... the Dan D. Fine will clean it out." "There's nothing wrong with me." "Well, I mean, maybe... look, man, we've got to put miles... between us and the Veg, you know?" "And plus, you know, there are bound to be... other places like the Dan D. Fine... further along down the road." "What did you say?" "I mean, I think it's better... if we just skip it." "Bro, there is nothing... nothing like the Dan D. Fine." "So get in the fucking car." "Let's go, you pussy." "Make a woman out of you yet." "I don't know, Jack." "Good evening, gentlemen." "How you doing, Frood?" "How's your dad, Jack?" "He's all right." "Have a seat." "I didn't even take out the gock." "Leave me alone!" "Mauzner, I don't care who your daddy is, OK?" "It don't give you the right... to come in here and act like a virus!" "Can it!" "Good evening, gentlemen." "Welcome to the Dan D. Fine." "My name is Naomi." "Would you like to meet the ladies?" "Sure." "What's up, dude?" "Maker's rocks." "Sorry, Mauzner, I don't think we should" "Make it a double." "Gentlemen." "Huzzah, huzzah, huzzah." "Come on in, babies." "Meet your new boyfriends." "Aren't they sweet?" "Come on, don't be shy," "Let's move it, time is money." "Come on." "OK." "Introduce yourselves, ladies." "Sophie." "Lois." "Sally Sue." "Alexis." "Natalie." "Look at those legs, man, look at those legs." "She used to wear these... patent leather go-go fuck me boots riding up." "One of these bitches quit... and stole all their shoes, man." "Damn shame, too, I was hoping... to get a stomping tonight." "Julie." "You ever have a chick walk on your balls?" "Yeah." "Ever fuck a 14-year-old?" "Sir?" "Dude, I" "I forgot everyone's names." "Amateur." "OK." "Go." "Cindy, Jackie, Snatchie, Cunty, Assfuck, Blow Job." "Dude, pick a girl... and stick your cock in her, man." "Hey, let him take his time, all right?" "Whatever, dude." "Yeah, I'll take Lois." "Good choice." "Come on, Lois... take him away, baby." "Unless you want your asshole... felched with a crazy straw... you're shit out of luck." "Do you get it?" "Shit." "So, how about you, pudding?" "No, I'm just along for the ride." "What?" "Why?" "Bro, I don't pay for it." "What are you talking about, dude?" "That's the best part." "You can do whatever you want... to these girls, man." "You can bend them over... fuck them in" "Mauzner!" "What?" "Just pick, OK?" "All right." "Bye-bye, guy." "How was it?" "Yeah?" "Yeah, come to Daddy." "There you go." "Those pipes working?" "Man, I'm hungry, let's get something to eat." "So it was cool, you know?" "I told her about my troubles and she was like..." "'Sexual confusion's a tricky thing.'" "Sexual confusion?" "I mean, easy on the sexual confusion trip, baby." "Make me sound like that guy in a raincoat... with a fistful of Vaseline, you know?" "Sexual confusion." "You don't think I have sexual confusion, do you?" "So soft." "Hey!" "I don't with Lucy, but... remember that night with Becky Meadows?" "I was drunk, but I boned her." "I think." "Bro, I boned Becky Meadows." "Whatever." "After the initial pre-game jitters... it was a sensation, you know?" "Please, you've been rattling on... about the Deep Purple concerts... for the last 3 hours." "Oh, come on..." "I bought you a cheeseburger." "I mean, you're homeless." "Your entire life's in the trunk of my car." "You know what?" "I don't think this is such a good idea." "Sick fuck!" "Fucking bitch!" "Nobody touches me!" "Nobody fucking touches me!" "Are you kidding me?" "Are you fucking kidding me?" "Are you?" "Huh?" "Are you fucking kidding me?" "She's just a fucking bitch." "Get in your fucking car." "Get in your fucking car!" "It's all right, it's OK." "Deep breaths." "Fucking cunt!" "Hey, hey, hey." "Hey, what." "You going to beat me up, too?" "I hate that word." "Fuck." "You OK?" "Yeah." "Jesus, don't tell me... there was a time in days past... when you could hitch a ride... and the driver didn't think... he could put it your fucking pail." "Don't tell me there was a time like that." "Yeah, sure." "My mom used to hitch all the time." "She hates it in the pail." "Shit." "Let's bail, Jack." "Yeah, let's." "Jack." "Come on, man." "Hey, we're, uh... we're heading north." "If you'd, uh... if you want to..." "OK." "Thank you." "Then there were three." "What's your name?" "Cassie." "As in Cassandra?" "Yeah, as in Cassandra." "What's your name?" "Pilot." "This is Jack." "Yeah?" "Why Pilot?" "I don't like to talk about it." "His mother picked up... an airline pilot one night" "But Jack loves to." "At a bar near DFW." "That's Dallas-Fort Worth." "They fucked, the pilot left... she got pregnant... only she never caught the pilot's name." "Mom's a peach." "She named you Pilot." "Exactly, Cassandra." "Wow." "Zowie." "What?" "You did a good thing." "Huh?" "Most people when told the story... will inevitably say..." "'Good thing he wasn't a fisherman.'" "'Good thing... he wasn't a proctologist.'" "'Good thing he wasn't an exterminator.'" "OK, I see, because if the guy... had been like a proctologist... then Pilot's name might be like, um..." "Sphincter." "Exactly." "Or Anus." "Or Hemorrhoid." "Or Dingleberry." "All right, all right." "Can we stop?" "Ah, fuck!" "Did you ease off the steroids snack time?" "Where are they, Scawldy?" "You guys still working for Liberace?" "He's dead, OK?" "Scawldy, don't be a fucking douche bag, man." "Just tell us where the little pricks are." "I don't know who you're talking about." "Detroit." "What?" "Where?" "I didn't hear you." "The fuckers are in Detroit." "They went to Detroit." "Do you think I'd give a shit?" "Beat the fuck out of them." "Just get out of my..." "Steven, check it out." "Where you guys headed?" "Uh, we're thinking Seattle." "Thinking Seattle." "I love when this happens." "Detroit, huh?" "Yeah, it's Pilot." "Yeah, I met you guys at graduation." "Look, Mr. Carnes, I'm going to be in the Seattle area... and I was just wondering if you had a number for Amy." "You don't." "Yeah, work address is fine." "I mean, the guy was the original party poet." "How did he get kicked out of West Point... and write this shit?" "'Gaily bedight, a gallant knight... 'in sunshine and in shadow." "'Fell as he found, no spot of ground... that looked like...'" "Hold onto your spore, Manler." "Fuck off, Goodwin." "There were two enormous cockroaches... fucking in the parking lot." "Oh, you always take me... to the nicest joints, Jack." "Hello, hello." "Look at this trio." "The wise men." "Oh, my bad." "The two wise men and one very lovely gown." "Here's 5 good ones." "What do you say, Kemo Sabe?" "There's 5 good ones." "And you are everything." "You're, oh..." "I'm Jonathan Goodwin." "The kids call me Johnny the Fox." "Hey, Johnny the Fox." "What was all that about?" "Oh, that." "That was just about the world being... a fucking blender... and me being a wild strawberry." "Speaking of which... you all look a little torqued... and I am the discoverer of picker-uppers." "Could I interest you... in something from the bam family?" "A little crystal and such... whatever your flavor is." "We're actually looking to move some ourselves." "You got dance drugs?" "Yeah." "Adjectivify." "Some recently synthesized MDMA... which has not yet been tasted." "I know a place." "Yeah!" "Come on, baby!" "Whoo!" "Check it out, baby!" "This is where we taste it, right?" "Pilot, do me a favor." "Let me do the talking." "These kids are fucking terrified of me." "Check it out!" "Whoo!" "Johnny the Fox." "What's up?" "Ready to surf some warm waves, man?" "How's that?" "Because I am Choo Choo Charlie." "And I got an 'E' train pulling out of the station." "Get on board!" "You giving samples?" "That kind of greed makes me think... that you're already stoned, Juicy boy." "Come on, bitch." "Let's test the merch." "Bitch?" "We're out of here, Pilot, good-bye." "Not so fast, trick." "What?" "Hey, muffin, what's your story?" "Who the fuck are you?" "You're a friend of the Fox, huh?" "Well, that ain't good." "I heard he went down, and he's going deep cover." "Look, Juicy, don't even play." "Is that true?" "You 5-0, muffin?" "'Cause if it's not... you'd look real good... curled on the floor... around my feet... purring." "Yo, Harris, what the fuck is this?" "What?" "You want me to switch it into hype?" "You know my bio." "You know about my two tours in the Nam." "Haung Nguyen, Mekong Delta, with a web-footed ape." "You know how easy it is for me to go back to that place." "You were like 6 when that shit was going down." "Pilot, come on." "Fucking get him, get him." "What's that thing on your finger?" "My wedding ring." "You married?" "It got annulled." "What's that mean?" "You got divorced?" "Yeah." "I got divorced." "Jack!" "Jack!" "Let's get the fuck out of here, Jack." "What's up?" "Come on, let's bail." "Pilot, I'm really sorry about what happened back there." "Man, I thought those guys were down." "No, it's fine, man." "I'm sorry." "That's all, just sorry." "What?" "You jealous?" "No." "It's just... you know, he's never let me drive before." "Well, here's the news flash." "You realize if we boost the dose... to another 2 1/2 grams each of these 'shrooms... we can get completely mashed and" "Where you going, anyways?" "I got to meet up with a friend, make a delivery... and then I'm off to the emerald city" "Seattle." "Yeah?" "Um-hmm." "What about you?" "You know, I know somebody in Seattle." "Of course you do." "Amy Carnes." "Oh, yeah." "Best girl, ever- in caps." "Best girl ever." "Oh, I'm feeling that." "'Billy johnson, he's our man." "If he can't do it, nobody can.'" "Totally." "Squad captain." "Yeah." "Wholesome dreams and... tight little ass and..." "I mean, could I please have a salad with no dressing?" "I know." "Night of graduation, man." "We had a thing." "The rage-all-night party." "I never even thought she knew I existed." "She cornered me in the bathroom... macked me." "We slow danced to..." "'Sweet Child of Mine,' over and over, for hours." "She said she always thought I was cool." "Always thought I was better... than the forgettables I hung out with." "'Forgettables?" "'" "Her word." "She knew, man." "She fucking knew." "You realize that people are forgotten by people... who remember every single day." "I love her." "Love, love, sweet love." "Did you fuck her?" "No." "Well, I mean, you know, I thought..." "I would, you know... like that summer, maybe." "Bird in a hand, baby doll." "She left soon after." "To go..." "To Seattle." "What's with those guys?" "We keep seeing them." "No doubt headed to the land of Amy Carnes." "Why?" "Kurt Cobain, son." "What about him?" "Oh, he killed himself." "When?" "Yesterday." "He shot himself." "For real?" "For real." "Shit." "You cool?" "Yeah, I'm cool." "Tony Gomez is going to meet up with me... and take me the rest of the way." "Tell these guys I said hey, will you?" "All right, see you around then." "Peace and chicken grease." "Hey, you know where Canyondale is?" "Anna?" "What?" "Come here." "OK." "Fetch my glasses." "I took the kids there last year... to see The Boy." "It freaked them." "You a pool boy?" "I used to be." "What?" "You know, you guys... aren't really doing it right." "What do you mean?" "You want to do the whole cross-country... on the road thing." "You should be doing it in a convertible." "What are you doing?" "Chill, relax." "I'm making a fucking convertible." "Yeah, but now we're completely conspicuous." "Ohh." "Oh!" "Right." "Conspicuous to what?" "Umm... to the, uh... to the, uh... you know." "You boys passing through?" "Yeah, we're heading for Seattle." "Best you check out The Boy." "Excuse me?" "The Boy." "Best you check out The Boy." "Hey, where is The Boy?" "Canyondale, right?" "That's right." "I saw a poster for this shit inside." "Oh, you'll get a kick out of it." "Promise you that." "You'll get a kick out of it." "Well?" "Alligator..." "What?" "Alligator Boy." "That's the boy's name." "His full name is Alligator Boy." "He's about 20 miles from here." "Hmm." "What do you mean, Alligator Boy?" "I don't know." "It's just what the dude told me." "What does that mean?" "I don't know what that means." "Let's find out." "Jack, Jack, we don't have time." "What is the rush?" "What is the rush?" "Is there a rush?" "Don't ask me" "It's not like we're meeting somebody up there, are we?" "Whatever, dude." "Can we just have 15 seconds of fun... in our miserable lives?" "Ugh!" "Famous fucking last words." "Thank you, ma'am." "You're welcome, sir." "It'll be $10 each." "Come on." "Desmond?" "Desmond?" "Desmond?" "Tip?" "Sometimes he's shy." "I think a little girl screamed." "Desmond gets upset when they scream." "Desmond?" "There he is." "What's wrong with him?" "He's shy." "No, I don't think that's what she means." "I think she means, what's wrong with him?" "Yeah, that's what I mean." "He's just bashful." "Unbelievable." "Unbelievable!" "Hey, he suffers from, uh... ichthyosis, which is a, uh... a thickening of the epidermis... and is not dangerous or contagious." "He's also slightly brain damaged... and incapable of speech." "He's 26." "I'm 26." "It's insane." "Twenty-six!" "What's he thinking?" "He probably wishes you'd stop staring at him." "Insane!" "This whole- this is insane!" "Look at him, Jack." "He's like-he's the coolest thing I've ever seen!" "He's an alligator, dude!" "He's an alligator boy!" "That'd be a cry laden with pain and sorrow." "In around 600 B.C... there was a slave." "A slave of wealthy Greek noblemen." "He was horribly deformed." "And all day long... this monstrous-looking man... would spin wondrous tales of heroic animals." "Great tales, but they tended to show... the weaknesses of men." "So, the storyteller was killed by a crazed mob... who were insulted... that his stories showed animals as brave and smart... and people as weak and stupid." "Really?" "Wow." "Amazing." "Oh, wait." "The punch line is:" "the storyteller's name was Aesop." "Really?" "Wow." "Amazing." "As in 'Aesop's Fables'?" "Yes." "Really?" "Wow!" "Amazing!" "I didn't know that." "I didn't know that Aesop was a freak." "So, um... where's Mr. Murray?" "Long gone." "He couldn't accept Des." "He left not long after Des was born." "But then, Des and I... went trooping with a well known 10-in-one." "Des was the main attraction." "He made more money for the carnival... than the concession stands." "We're just trying to get enough money together... to move to South Carolina." "Why South Carolina?" "Oh, it's a wonderful place, Parisville, South Carolina." "It's a small town, but for some reason... it's become the winter quarters... of all the southern carnies." "It's a virtual city of special people." "Tranquil and sunny." "Des would be happy there." "I know my Des doesn't have a lot of time left." "Well, about how much money you need?" "Oh, a lot of money." "How about-how much?" "Oh, about $5,000 would do us right." "With what we'd get for the house." "Well, we'll be back tomorrow." "Before we leave, we'll come say good-bye." "We'd like that." "We'd like that fine." "He was amazing, wasn't he?" "Wasn't he amazing, Jack?" "Amazing." "Desmond the Alligator Boy is a major happener." "Isn't he?" "Whatever you say, Pilot." "Would you want to be him?" "What are you doing?" "What?" "What are you doing, you fuck?" "What is with all these stupid questions?" "What?" "Why wouldn't you wanna be him?" "Why?" "Because he's green... because his skin is disgusting... because he's brain damaged... because his head is misshapen." "You want me to go on?" "No." "You think he's happy?" "Pilot!" "What?" "One question." "Just answer me that." "Do you think he's happy?" "I don't know, Pilot." "But maybe we can ask the old lady... when we go and say good-bye." "What?" "You don't want to say good-bye?" "I didn't say that." "Yes you did, dude!" "I heard you." "Cassandra, did you hear?" "I did. 'When we go and say good-bye,' like it was the stupidest fucking thing you ever heard." "And it was my idea." "I did not say that." "But it was the stupidest fucking thing..." "I ever heard, by the way." "Why?" "Are you guys, by any chance, in love?" "Why?" "Bro, why do we have to go and say good-bye tomorrow?" "I mean, couldn't we just have... said good-bye today?" "I'm gonna go take a shower." "I'll meet you all at the bar." "We gotta stop for the night anyhow." "I mean, we've been traveling for two days." "And plus, you know, I got some things I gotta figure out." "What things?" "I might lay some cash on her." "Why?" "Come on, man." "The whole scenario is pretty pathetic." "Granted, but who the fuck are you..." "Donald Trump?" "You didn't even want to go see... the Alligator Boy in the first place, Pilot." "Yeah, but I'm glad that you made us go." "Although, I don't think your girlfriend dug it." "Bro, easy, easy." "What?" "Bro, easy." "What?" "Easy with that." "My girlfriend." "She is witchy though, isn't she?" "If you say so." "Come on, give it- hey, bro, give it up." "Just get the bags!" "You may-maybe you shouldn't do that." "Yikes!" "Just up the hill is a house... overlooking Lake Washington... where he pulled a chair up to a window... pressed the barrel of a 20-gauge shotgun to his head... and pulled the trigger." "Imagine, though." "I mean, not to be a total buzz kill, but... imagine how many dicks have been inside her." "What?" "That pervert at the Dan D. Fine... said the girl who stole those shoes... worked there for 1 1 months." "1 1 months, Jack." "That's like-it's like 4 dicks a day." "And, you know, I'm being conservative." "All right, and they must've worked, like, 6-day weeks." "6 times 4 is 24, 1 1 months is 44 weeks, so, 44 times 24... is 1,056." "1,056 dicks!" "1,056 dicks, Jack!" "Pop quiz." "No." "Come on, it's a quick one." "No." "Come on." "No." "Go." "What is 1,056 dicks?" "A lot of dicks." "Beep!" "Perfect score." "Gold star." "We haven't even begun calculating blow jobs." "Obviously, the kid doesn't like being stared at and made fun of, so maybe she should stop charging people to look at him." "Maybe then he could have a peaceful life." "What?" "Nothing." "Oh, god!" "Two...three...four..." "Oh, shit!" "When worlds collide." "I worship the concept." "Hey!" "What's up, Jack?" "What are you doing here?" "Tony Gomez was a no-show!" "I'm now officially hitchhiking to Seattle." "Dude, what are you going up there for anyways?" "A friend of mine died." "A fucked up freak named Jimmy DeAngelo." "And he left me his business." "Got insane in the brain one night... and suicide-pacted with this other kid." "Way too much Jack Daniels, mescaline, and Ozzy Osbourne." "Backward masking, suicide is good." "Blah, blah, blah." "Blah, blah." "Boom !" "Shotgun to the face in the playground." "The other kid died... but Jim hung on." "Oh, they had to do some major surgery... on account that most of his face was gone." "They actually grafted some of his ass up to his face." "But Jim had a really hairy ass... so he has had to shave his forehead." "It was a bad scene." "And he drooled like a motherfucker." "And that's what eventually did him in." "Cause, check it out, Jim didn't mind being ugly... and having the hairy forehead and no teeth." "But goddamn it, he couldn't take the drooling." "So one night he gobbled too many sleeping pills... and he did the job right." "Anyway!" "How come they call you Pilot, anyways?" "My mother fucked an airline pilot... only she never knew his name." "So she called me Pilot." "Good thing he a wasn't bulimic." "Otherwise, your name would be Puke." "A field!" "We need a field!" "A field in which to frolic!" "How's your head?" "Good." "Good." "What?" "OK." "We found the shoes." "You went through my shit?" "No." "The bag, it was open... a little bit." "So what's your point, exactly?" "We were there, at the Dan D. Fine." "We heard about the shoes." "A girlfriend and I went to Los Angeles... to become actresses." "Yeah, it didn't work out." "I don't think I had any talent." "So, after a few years, I said, 'Fuck it,' and was heading back home." "But I stopped in Vegas... where a pit boss comped me a meal and a room... and asked if I'd... escort some friend of his, some Texas high roller... you know, and sit at the tables with him... let him rub my thigh for good luck." "So, uh..." "I did it." "The next morning, I woke up alone... with an envelope on the nightstand... filled with hundreds." "Within a couple of weeks, I was at the Dan D. Fine." "But what about the shoes?" "I don't know." "Just some symbolic gesture that, at the time, seemed epic, but now only seems stupid." "So, what are you going to do next?" "I don't know." "What do you think I should do?" "Got any ideas?" "Anything but home." "All right." "The 'so what' factor is... huge." "The unlove... at the end of the day... shit, you can see the merit in actually fellating the pistol, because no matter what... no matter how much money you make... no matter how many gowns you bone... no matter how many times you groove... like nobody ever grooved before... in a hundred years or so... you're dust." "Crumbling soot in a pine box... that our loved ones went all out for... so that you could be... crumbling soot in a pine box... in a J.C. Penney suit no less." "And why?" "Because we never wore them in life... so they just figure, 'what the fuck?" "' and they stick us in the cheapo one." "Better than the concert t-shirts and the ripped-up jeans... you wore in life... and what the fuck would he know about Giorgio Armani, anyway?" "Johnny the Fox!" "You're one daffy in-vi-di-dual." "In-vi-di-dual?" "Yes, sir." "J.C. Penney!" "Even a freak don't deserve to go down in some J.C. Penney!" "Even a goddamn freak!" "Slower." "Slower." "Like this?" "Hey, you want to give me a ride back to the Murrays'?" "I don't think I can drive." "So, clearly, you hit that last night." "Yeah." "What was it like?" "It was, uh, it was good." "You tell her you knew?" "Yeah, she was cool." "You came, didn't you?" "Mrs. Murray, what's going on?" "Police won't come." "Had trouble before." "They say you want to charge folks money to see your oddity, then you got to expect trouble." "What kind of trouble?" "So they won't make the trip anymore." "You just got to wait for the trouble to go away." "Dude, drink it." "Alligator Boy!" "What's going on, guys?" "Hey, meet Desmond, the Alligator Boy." "Desmond's learning to party." "Beer?" "No, thanks." "Maybe you guys should leave him alone." "How's that?" "I said maybe you should leave him alone." "Who are you, his mama?" "No, no, it can't be his mama." "His mama's in the house... crying into her Bible." "Maybe this is the boyfriend." "You the boyfriend?" "You like alligator dick?" "You like to suck it?" "Yo, Shanks, who is this strong, silent type, huh?" "Is this Clint Eastwood?" "No, man, I think that's Steve McQueen!" "I think you're both wrong." "This is Jack Hayes, the God of Fuck." "The God of Fuck?" "Is that what they call you?" "The God of Fuck?" "Tell me something." "Do you like to get fucked?" "Sorry about that, Clint." "Hey, Shanks, check this out!" "Hey, you OK?" "I'm all right." "Hey, Shanks... welcome to the human race, motherfucker!" "Come here..." "I'm all right." "Leave you guys alone for a couple hours... and the action just pours like silver, doesn't it?" "Whoa." "I can't tell you what a pleasure it was... to meet you guys." "You take care." "Pilot!" "All right, Des?" "Pilot, let's go!" "Those football turds were just like Miranda's Pandas." "The same type of dudes." "It was fucked." "I don't know, when you think about it... it's like the world's divided into two groups:" "Pandas and Alligator Boys." "How much did you give her?" "Not much." "Come on, Pilot, how much?" "Just a bit- I'm not a rich guy." "Just a bit." "'A bit?" "'" "And what is a bit?" "Don't be so nosy, Jack." "Don't be such a fucking pussy, Pilot." "Just tell me how much." "Just a bit, all right?" "The kid's dying." "I gave them a bit." "No fucking way!" "Pop quiz." "Go!" "Number of possible highways and byways... in this fair nation that we could be on." "A gazillion!" "Number of possible highways and byways... in this fair nation... that Miranda's Pandas could be on?" "A zillion!" "Possible conclusion that could be drawn... from them being on... this very same highway, byway as us?" "Start getting used to loose slippers." "Perfect score." "Gold star." "Anyone care to fill me in?" "Now we're on the run." "I thought you were going to Seattle for the scene." "Yeah, we thought we'd combine checking out the scene... with a little flight to safety, right, Pi?" "Right." "Hey, where we going now?" "You want to check the maps?" "This doesn't change anything." "We check out the place, and then we split." "So, you still want to go to Seattle." "Yeah, dude, it'll be all right." "I mean, it's a huge place." "Bro, if it's so fucking huge... then how the fuck are you going to find Amy Carnes?" "How do you know about that?" "How do you know about that, dude?" "Fucking dick." "What?" "Did Fox tell you?" "Dude, I heard you telling him." "What are you talking about?" "This whole thing... this whole stupid thing was that so Pilot could... chase after some fantasy girl." "Dude, we macked!" "Oh, God... these guys are cool!" "They're going to Seattle!" "And they're tripping to the tits!" "What exactly are you on the run from?" "Why don't you tell her, Jack?" "Tell her, Jack!" "I will." "I fucked a guy's wife... and now he wants to break my feet." "And Pilot doesn't seem to give a shit!" "Why you getting so bent?" "We had to leave, what's it matter where?" "You're joking, right?" "No!" "No!" "You're joking!" "That's sort of pathetic, Pilot!" "What is?" "As if it's any of your business." "He's your best friend, and he's in trouble... and you drag him up here on a lie." "I don't know, that's sort of pathetic... in my book." "In your book?" "Yep." "What's the title of that book?" "Is it called, 'Give me 100 bucks... and I'll suck your dick?" "'" "Because I think I read that one... and it was, it was, ooh, lurid!" "Are you kidding me, Pilot?" "Look at yourself!" "You're a drug dealer!" "Settle down with that, Yoko." "No, you settle down, Johnny." "You are no better than them." "In fact, you're worse." "You're old." "Time out." "What happened to the hooker with the heart of gold?" "Didn't you read that chapter?" "You know, maybe I am a drug dealer, but I'll tell you this much, when I tell my grandkiddies stories... about my misspent youth..." "I won't have to include the fact... that I spread them wide for any jake... with a fistful of fifties!" "That I saw more strange dick... than a draft board doctor." "Jack." "That I could be sold, rolled, and cornholed... for a negotiable price." "Congratulations." "You just became the Sir Edmund Hillary... of assholes." "You climbed the highest mountain, Pilot." "There's five good ones." "Whatever, right?" "Yeah." "Whatever." "Hey, are you coming or not, man?" "Come on, Johnny." "What about Mom and Dad?" "Get in." "But today, it is heightened by a sense of loss." "Pilot, this is Gold... a beautiful boy who don't say..." "Hey, Pilot!" "Pilot!" "Come on." "You know, Skynyrd, now that was a tragedy." "Duane Allman, tragedy... this is a fucking blip, you know?" "Can I help you, bro?" "I'm looking for Amy Carnes." "She's at the vigil with the rest of them." "No, dude, what was that guy's name in AC/DC?" "Hey!" "Nice arachnid, man." "No, no, the first guy." "No, that was the guy that took his place." "Do you believe that guy?" "Do you believe that guy?" "Do you believe that fucking guy?" "He still wants to go up there after everything." "Still wants to go up there." "He didn't give a shit about me." "This whole stupid trip was so he could go... and find Amy Fucking Carnes." "What an asshole!" "Amy." "Yeah." "Hey, yo, it's me." "It's Pilot." "That's your name?" "Yeah, from McKinley High." "I went to McKinley." "When did you graduate?" "Oh, you...it's probably because of this- you don't recognize me because of the spider." "You, uh... you know, rage all night." "'Sweet Child of Mine.'" "Isn't it so sad about Kurt?" "Hold my hand." "You guys, this is Pirate." "No, it's Pilot." "Shh..." "let's listen." "It's Pilot." "Pilot!" "Pilot!" "Jack!" "Jack!" "Jack!" "Jack!" "Pilot!" "Jack!" "Jack!" "No!" "Fuck!" "Fuck!" "Jack, Jack, Jack." "Give it up, baby." "Cassie!" "You're embarrassing yourself, baby." "Do you know what that means?" "The game is over!" "Fuck you up two times!" "Come on!" "That's what it's about!" "Let's go!" "Come on!" "Get down here!" "Watch this!" "Watch this!" "Watch it!" "I'm sorry." "Watch it!" "Jack!" "Jack!" "Jack!" "Next time keep it in your pants, Hayes... or we'll break that, too." "We'll call 91 1 from the car." "Hope you have insurance, Jack." "Adios, motherfucker." "Hey." "Hey." "How are you doing?" "I've been better." "How about you?" "OK." "Oh, that was kind of unreal, wasn't it?" "Totally fucking gothic." "A grade-B horror flick." "Only thing fucking missing is fucking Christopher Lee..." "Peter Cushing, and John Fucking Carradine." "What's wrong with him?" "I think he's having re-entry problems." "Hey, kiddies." "Ooh, Jack Hayes, you're awake." "How you feeling, brother?" "Hey, man, I'm all right." "Jack..." "Forget it." "Hey... did you find her?" "Pilot." "I'm sorry, man." "Hey, man." "It's OK." "Hey..." "Who the hell needs feet anyway?" "I got to get out of here." "What?" "Yeah, I got to get back." "I got a girl in Vegas." "You feeling ready for her?" "Kind of miss her." "Can I take the Monte?" "Keep it." "Maybe you shouldn't drive." "Oh, please." "You guys are gonna hang?" "Yeah." "I think we're gonna hang for a while." "I like it." "Hit the road, flee for your life." "Meet a doll who's got 'once in a lifetime' and 'girl of my dreams' and 'reason to believe' written all over her like so much graffiti." "Only happen to the God of Fuck." "That's me." "Pop quiz." "Go." "How much I owe you for helping me out?" "A gazillion." "Who's the major old school happener?" "Pilot." "How much longer are we a team?" "Forever." "Beep." "Perfect score." "Gold star." "Late." "Late."