"# My thoughts may stray #" "# My eyes may roam #" "# The neighbors' grass may seem much greener #" "# Than the grass right here at home #" "# If pretty girls excite me, well, that's life #" "# But just in case you didn't know #" "# I love my wife #" "# If rosy lips invite me, hey, that's life #" "# But just in case you couldn't guess #" "# Or hadn't heard or didn't know #" "# I love my wife, I love my wife #" "# I love my wife. #" "All right, my babe." "All right, my Bobby." "It's bedtime." "Are you gonna be good?" "There we are, sweets, it's bedtime." "There we are." "Yes." "There we are." "He's finally down." "He has tenacity, I will give him that." "Well, he's no match for his mother." "I have yet to meet the man that is." "So, are you maybe ready to do it all again?" "To do what all again?" "Everything." "What's everything?" "I'm late." "You're late?" "Like you're late for work, you're late for the gym... what are you late for?" "You're late for your period late?" "That kind of late?" "Yeah." "Are you okay with that?" "Yeah, yeah." "Yeah, I'm okay." "The important thing is what you said, that first moment there." "That's the whole ball of wax." "Exactly, it's all about the initial reaction, everything else is just filler." "I handled it great." "I did, I was great." "You're pregnant?" "Oh, this is wonderful." "This is wonderful for us, Donna." "It's wonderful for Bobby." "It's wonderful for the little fetus." "It's wonderful for everybody." "It's just wonderful." "Fetus thing could've been a little over the top." "Sounds to me like you did okay." "I did, I was wonderful." "So, what did he say?" "It's all about the reaction." "What was his reaction?" "It was horrible." "I was appalled." "You're pregnant?" "With everything I got going on right now, you go out and you get pregnant?" "Why don't you just pop a cap in the back of my fucking head?" "I ought to kick his ass for talking to you that way." "He really said that?" "Well, I might have embellished a little, but he wasn't charming, I can tell you that." "I thought you guys have been trying." "So did I, I just didn't know we were trying that hard." "Sound like one of those kids from a junior-high sex video..." ""Somebody told me that if I stuck a pepper up my ass," "Suzy wouldn't get pregnant."" "Does she know for sure?" "Has she been tested or anything?" "No, but she said she's late." "Apparently, she's never late." "Whenever they're late, they always say they're never late, 'cause they know we know less than they do." "Half the shit my wife says is just to see if I'm listening." "The problem with that is, my wife is sure that I know less than she does." "She also knows I'm never listening." "I don't know." "It's just, lately he seems so withdrawn, so preoccupied." "He's not like the Micky I used to know." "Well, you know, I have this technique I use with Doug." "When I sense something's off, I ask him what's wrong." "Maybe, that's what I should do." "I should just ask him, from nowhere." "Communication's a novel approach." "I know, Donna, but you should try it." "I don't know I'd want to hear the answers to half the questions I'd put to Micky." "I'd like to ask him why he hasn't put this VCR thing together himself." "Oh, he did." "That's why I'm doing it again." " "Chicago This Week"?" " Uh-huh." " What's the topic?" " It's a very, very hot topic." "Construction delays." "That's the topic?" "They're not done yet." "End of discussion." " That's gonna be an hour show?" " Yup." "Well, it is called "Chicago This Week," and not "60 Minutes."" "The panel, though, is just you and the mayor's press secretary, so that's cool." "Yeah, Sandy Desmond." " Hey, fuel for the brain-dead." " Thanks." "You're welcome, pretty lady." "Hey Missy, you ever model?" "Oh, that's a new one." "No." " No, really?" "Scout's honor?" " Buzz me if you need me." "You were a Girl Scout though, weren't you?" "Okay, you know what, Jake?" "Get some boundaries, will you, please?" "Aw, come on." "Loosen up." "Just a little sparring session." "Your assistant's safe, I'm off single women." "Yeah, really?" "This thing with Ilene's got you running scared, huh?" "Damn right, scared me straight to married women." "That's my next affair..." "woman in a good marriage." "Jake, the problem with that theory is a woman in a good marriage is not gonna want to have sex with you." "Okay, not so good she wouldn't wanna have sex with me, but good enough so she'd never leave her husband." "That way we'd both have something to lose... mutually assured destruction." "That's Sandy Desmond, the mayor's press secretary?" "You doing a show with her?" "Okay, you know what?" "That's it, you're now officially thrown out of my office." "Get out." " She's very hot, she's married." " Yeah, thank you." " I mean it, she meets all my criteria." " Okay, thanks for sharing." "Well, how about tomorrow?" "Hey." "My mother-in-law finally wants to go home, and I can't get her on a flight." "The airline should have emergency seating for that, like flying home for a family funeral." "Really?" "Jeez, well, how about the next day?" "Jeez, can you put her on the next available flight, please?" "You know, I'm not kidding, man, she's really killing me." "Your mother-in-law's only dangerous if she turns your wife against you." "No, that's not it." "See, she messes with our sex life big time." " Really?" " Ah, hello." "Yeah, no, I'll take it." "Thank you." "Let me guess." "Carol can't have sex with her mom in the house?" "No, that's not it." "You know, actually I think I've said too much as it is." "What are you saying, the old lady wants in on a three-way?" "Don't project your highway-to-hell fantasies into my life." "You know, since your sex life is shot, you must be hungry." " C'mon, let's go eat." " Yeah." "You know, the mother-in-law I got now is the best one I ever had." "She's my age, so we relate to each other." "It's fucking great." "Yeah, I've seen your mother-in-law." "She's nice." "Yeah, but it's all surgeries." "One more face-lift and that broad's gonna be wearing a goatee." "I'll tell you my secret to getting along with my mother-in-law:" "she lives in England." "Of course if Donna's pregnant, she's coming here." "It's not that I even mind having a second kid." "At least, I don't think I mind." "It's the late thing." "It's the not knowing that's killing me." "I don't envy you." "Going through that pregnant phase again, very tough on a man." "Absolutely." "You go through all the emotions... fear, joy, lack of sex..." "Hold on, lack of sex is not a emotion." "I hate to break up a good rant here, but it isn't." "Last time, Donna didn't want sex till she was two days overdue." "Then she demanded it because she heard it would induce labor." "I tell you what it induced... a back spasm." "I fell off the bed, almost broke my ass." "You can't break an ass, Micky." "It's already broken." " You can break an ass." " How?" "How can you break an ass?" "You know anyone who's ever broken their ass?" "You can't break an ass, Micky." "Start thinking about some of the shit you say." "Hey, I think about the stuff I say." "You can break an ass." " Southside congregation..." " Oh Jesus Christ, a church?" "Oh, for God's sake!" "She's on fire tonight." "We should see about getting her a job doing closed captions for the terminally enraged." " I was reading that." " Uh-huh." "Why isn't he in jail?" "He's done it before." "Do you get it?" "Lock him up!" "Carol." "Carol, your mother is in the next room." "Yeah, she's having fun." "So should we." "No, no, it's Murphy's Law." "The minute we start, she'll be in here in two seconds." "C'mon, Doug, give it up." "You don't have any rights, you scumbag!" "Fry him!" "Have you been jerking off all day at work, or what?" "Oh, that's a good guess." "What is it about having your mother in the next room" " that makes you so horny?" " Oh..." "Stop!" "I don't know." "I guess it reminds me of when I first had sex... the excitement of not letting them hear." "See, it reminds me of getting the shit kicked out of me by my first girlfriend's father." "So, do we know anything yet?" "No." "Aren't you gonna take a test?" "Isn't that the next step?" "What, so you can find out how much trouble you're in?" "Why has this become about me?" "We've been through this." "We both wanted this." "It is so obvious to me that you don't want me to be pregnant." "And don't say a word, because I know it's true." "Micky." "Hey, Micky." "Hey." "Hey." "Do you want to fool around?" "I'm on the pill, I have a diaphragm, an I.U.D., a spermicidal sponge, and I'm a week past ovulation." "I actually was just gonna ask you to give me a blowjob tonight." "Yes, please." "Do you mind if I swallow?" "Anything you need to do." "Okay." "Thanks." "Thanks." "It's a fabrication, Jake." "You're lying to yourself, you're lying to us." "You and your wife don't use sex toys, and I bet my last testicle that you are full of shit." "What are you betting your last testicle on now, Slayton?" "Oh, Jakey boy's in the bullshit mode again." "I'm convinced that God put me in this pool-hall just to keep you guys honest." "Yeah?" "Who's He got here to keep you honest?" "All I'm saying is, you think you want to go nuts with 'em, but you don't, okay?" "And once they have the kids, when you do fuck 'em, you fuck 'em nice and gentle, like you're doing the school-marm from "The Little House on the Prairie."" "I'm not making this stuff up." "I'm quoting you science." "I don't know, Carol and I, we still get a little crazy." "A couple months ago, I brought home one of those condoms with ridges on it." "Oh no, ribbed condoms?" "You're kidding me." "Get out of here." "You're gross." "I had one of those ribbed condoms once, wore it inside out." "Sounded like my wife was getting laid by a jug band." "One time I borrowed this condom from a buddy of mine, right?" "Me and this broad are goin' at it, so, we whip out the condom, and on the side it says, "the Samoan."" "Talking jet-black latex." "So, we're doing it, she's watchin' it go in and out." "I mean, she's really getting off." "So, afterwards I say to her, "Were you fantasizing about somebody's else dick while we were doing it?"" "She says to me, "Yes, I was."" "Fucked me up." "You were jealous of your own dick?" "Yeah, well, it wasn't the first time." "C'mon, who's shot it?" "Hey." "Bobby?" "Is that you?" "Look at you." " Who's this?" " That's Randy, the one you got in the oven." "My little brother." "Hey, Randy." "Listen, Dad, we need to talk to you." "Can you get that for me?" "Yeah, absolutely." "Listen, we don't like the way you're treating our mother." "Got it?" "!" "Yeah, I'm being unwanted from the get-go!" "Makes for a very, very troubled youth." "Makes a little kid want to kick his dad's ass 24-7." "Get with the program or we'll spend our lives sucking you dry, got it?" "!" "Wait, you guys, you have it wrong, okay?" "I love your mother." "I do, I love her." "You love your dick, that's what you love." "You're a selfish prick who loves his own dick more than his wife and kids." "Grow up, Daddy." "Grow up fast." "Come on, let's chow." "Asshole." "That's me on a good day." " That reminds me of Gunner." " That reminds you of Gunner?" "Yeah." "You okay?" "Yeah." "You know, we broke up finally, which we should've done a long time ago." "But, it's for the best." "This is the new "Chicago This Week" information." "They changed the discussion topic." " On the day of the show?" " Yeah, it's better, though." ""The mayor is officially no longer a gubernatorial candidate."" "Okay, I could work with this." " Could I go with you to the show?" " Yeah, yeah." "Get me my press release and my mayor file." "I'm on it." "Missy's so jammed into my head." "It's tough, you know." "It's bizarre." "With everything I got going on," "I can't think of anything but fucking her." "This is a classic case of diversion." "You're using this Missy thing to divert you from what you should be doing." "I know." "Thank you." "What do I do?" "I told you what to do." "Fuck her, get her out of your system." "I already told you, Jake." "I'm not fucking her." "All right, if you're not fucking her, here's what you need to do." "You need to divert the diversion." "Whenever she gives you a good head of steam, just go in the bathroom, give yourself a jerk." "Steam goes out the back valve and you come back to reality, which we all know sucks." "I'm not gonna whack off in the men's room at work." "That's insane." "Why, what's the big deal?" "Just seal yourself into a nice stall in the men's room, snap it off." "I'm telling you, when in doubt, jerk it out." "Okay, fine." "Good." "I've talked enough about you masturbating to last my entire life." "Carry on." "Where are you going?" ""Chicago This Week."" "Don't act like I didn't tell you." "You have an open invitation, and you know it." "You never want to go." "It'd still be nice if you asked every once in a while." "Okay." "Why don't you come down to the show tonight?" "No, I can't." "I'm tired." "I'll watch it later on the TV." "Would you being tired have anything to do with the pregnancy?" " Could be P.M.S." " Let's find out." "What is this?" "No, absolutely not." "I don't want to know yet." " I do." " Well, I don't." "I don't want to know if I have to go through it all again if you're not fully committed." "Not fully committed?" "I'm fully committed." "How can you say that I'm not fully committed?" "You couldn't give me five minutes to adjust to the news?" "Didn't you take a little time to adjust to the news when you figured out that maybe you could possibly be pregnant?" "I'm out there, I'm working, you walk in, you sit down next to me, and you test me." "I did not test you." "You did." "You tested me and I failed." "How could I not have?" "You're testing me all the time, Donna, every day." "Well, maybe you need to ask yourself why I feel the need to test you!" "Now it's about me, isn't it?" "So now it's about me." "You talk about you not feeling safe with me." "Every time I come home, I'm tested." "Oh, so now you're testing me?" " This isn't a test." " What is it?" "It's a pop quiz." "We're gonna steal Casey." "Do I look good, or not?" " Yeah, Mom, you look great." " Where are you going?" "I have a date." "Honey, help me with this." " A date?" "With who?" " With Daniel." " Who's Daniel?" " You met him the last time I was here." "No, I didn't." "When is this date?" "As soon as his mother falls asleep." "He still lives with his mother?" "No, his mother lives with him." "You know, not everybody throws their parents out on the street." "Honey, what do you think?" "Wait, let me wake the girls up." "Now, what do you think?" "This?" "Lose the scarf?" "That works." "You like it?" "Okay." "I'll lose the scarf." "Thanks." "Relax, she flies home tomorrow." "If I have to fuel the jet myself." "All I know is that the mayor spent $25,000 pulling his downstate name recognition and popularity." "He mentioned the upcoming gubernatorial primary..." ""gubernatorial" is a very hard work to pronounce." "Especially sober." "You ready for this?" "He mentioned it in 17 speeches last month." "Yes, and the mayor also talks about the Cubs quite often, and I can guarantee you he's not trying out for second base." "Oh, good line, Sandy." "Sounds like one from someone who works for the man who's running to be the next governor of Illinois." "No, just a big Cubs fan." "What you're saying, though, by the way, is that he's just not polling well downstate, the numbers aren't good." "No, actually they were quite good." "Let's take another road to the center of town." "Twice in Illinois history, the Democrats have drafted a candidate for governor." " Harold Washington and..." " Adlai Stevenson." " Absolutely." " Yes, you're showing your age." "If the Democrats were to draft your man, would he say yes?" "The mayor is a loyal member of the Democratic party." "That's a yes, and I love a yes." "At any rate, that's all for "Chicago This Week"... everything relevant, everything Chicago, everything that's me." "No, no, you made your argument well, Sandy." "Unfortunately it was wrong, but you did it well." "Oh, you were listening?" "Careful, Micky, you might actually learn something." "See you next week." "Tell the mayor I want an interview and a cuddle." "Bye." "Hey." "She hates me." "Doubt that." "So, what are you gonna do now?" "Now, I'm probably gonna go home and continue fighting with my wife." "What are you gonna do?" "I'm just thinking I'm gonna go home." "I just moved into my new apartment." "I have a new roommate who's totally insane." "Wow, could only imagine what she's saying about you." "You know what?" "My place is only two blocks away from here." "Do you want to come by and see it?" " Come see it?" " Yeah." " Yeah, I'll come see your apartment." " That's awesome." "Okay, come on." "Oh, I'm so psyched." "Doug." "Oh, Doug." "Ah-ah..." "Oh God." "Oh you just made it." "Is that the TV?" "No... my mother brought her date home." "That makes sense, seeing as he lives with his mother." "Oh my God, they're coming this way." "I would run, but I'm afraid my legs are shot." "Carol, honey, you still awake?" " Hey." " Hey, good." "You don't mind if I bring a date into your home, do you?" "No, that's fine." "Daniel, c'mon." "You remember my daughter Carol." "This is her husband Doug." "Hi." "I've heard a lot about you." "Why don't you go outside and make yourself at home?" "Oh, okay." "Let's hope he has some spunk left in him." " Seems housebroken." " Oh my God." "Yeah." "So, here it is." "Okay, this is it." "Sorry, it's such a mess." "No, it's great." "And this is my roommate Lane." " Hi." " Hey." "So, are we gonna party?" " Party, oh." " Yeah, I think so." " All right." " Let's party." " It's an amazing apartment." " Do you like it?" "Yeah, I like it." "Hey, Micky, you want a beer, right?" "Yeah, give me a beer." "Ooh-ooh!" "Okay, wait, wait." "Go, okay." "#..." "I've come to take you there, show you how to care... #" "Here you go." "I need a buzz, like this." "Okay, now, and now..." " Go, Micky." "Go, Micky." " I like your boss." "That's it now, woo!" "Get up here, c'mon." "Get up, get up, get up." "#..." "I'm gonna be there till the end # # 100% pure love #" "# Back to the middle and around again #" "# I'm gonna be there till the end... #" "Okay, that's it." "She's scaring me." "#..." "Back to the middle #" "# Want you, oh, want you, oh #" "# Want you, oh, want you, oh... #" "Woo!" "She should be a stripper." "She would make so much money, but her parents are really straight, so they really screwed her up about that kind of stuff." "Okay, somebody needs to come dance with me. 'Cause I need a partner." " Micky, Micky." " No no no." "I love this." "Okay okay okay, I will." "I will." " Okay." " Woo!" "#..." "I won't deny I'm takin' your heart #" "# Home #" "# From the back to the middle and around again #" "# I'm gonna be there till the end # # 100% pure love #" "# From the back to the middle and around again... #" "Oh my God, I cannot believe I'm doing this in front of my boss." "Yeah, well, he doesn't seem to mind." "Isn't she gonna be the coolest roommate?" "You are." "Okay, you know what?" "I have to go to the bathroom." "Door to your left." "You want another drink, Micky?" "Yeah, that'd be good." "Oh." "Oh God." ""When shit gets out of hand, you gotta let out the steam." "Come back to reality." "When in doubt, jerk it out."" "Oh, fuck it." "C'mon." "Oh, wait." "Fuck, God damn it." "Fuck." "God damn it!" " You're kidding me." " No no no." "What did you see?" "Damn it." "I have a rash." "I was chafing..." "psoriasis." "Okay, I put some lotion on it, okay." "I really do, okay?" "I didn't make that up." "This really bad rash." "I was chafed." "It's this damn rash." "This time you get happy ending, no argue." "You need one badly." "A hand job, will that work for me?" "Will that make me happy?" "Why doesn't the thought of another child make me happy?" "Why am I so fucking disconnected?" "What is it about me that wants to push everything good in my life away?" "How you get the big bump on the head?" "I love my son more than my own life." "Same goes with my wife." "I mean, no offense, but what am I doing here?" "Most men ask that question after happy ending." "I spend so much time in my life trying to get women to do things that are morally reprehensible, emotionally debilitating, and at best, you know, hygienically questionable." "Yet at the same time, when it comes to the one woman you make commitment to, you won't be around her more than 10 minutes without tearing her apart." "Maybe making it easy for her to tear you apart." "Yes?" "Yes yes." "Thank you." "Okay, you be quiet now." "Okay?" "You keep talking, I need a happy ending." "# I know what you'll say #" "# You say, "Oh #" "# Sing one we know" #" "# But I promise you this... #" "Donna?" "Donna?" "Babe, you up?" "#..." "That's what I'll do #" "# I say, "Oh" #" "# My heart is yours #" "# It's you that I hold onto #" "# That's what I do #" "# And I know I was wrong #" "# But I won't let you down #" "# Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, yeah, I will #" "# Yes, I will #" "# I said, "Oh..." #" "# I cry, "Oh..." #" "# Yeah, I saw sparks #" "# Yeah, I saw sparks #" "# And I saw sparks #" "# Yeah, I saw... #"