"You all right, dear?" "Hiya!" "All right, this must be my lead." "Teddy." " ET." " Mate." " Image for the club." " What's that?" "The new image." "Everyone looks on here." "What do you think?" "Is it slippy enough for you?" "That's the main thing." "I'm bored." "Anybody fancy a pint?" "You're wearing him out, Soph." "You want to come and try the big boys." "You all right in there, mate?" " Are you coming?" "I'm gasping." " Okay." "What's the matter?" "Party been cancelled, has it?" "No, sir, I've got a drugs bust at a club, the Tribal Pulse." "A kid's been taken to hospital in a coma." "Right, Wieldy, you go to the hospital." "Peter and I'll do the club." "Well, I fancy a bit of a nosey." "I haven't been to a disco for ages." "House of God!" "Deary, deary me." "Be empty otherwise." "Now it's full of criminals and drug-heads." "Tribal Pulse." "What the hell does that mean?" "Chemical drumbeat?" "Call of the wild." "This isn't the bloody jungle, it's Wetherton." "Did you see it?" " Police, I take it?" " Oh, yes." "Detective Inspector Pascoe, this is Superintendent Dalziel." " Superintendent, what can I say?" " The usual rubbish." "I run a clean club here, spotless." "What about the person unknown, who fled one of our constables, leaving behind a Mickey Mouse haversack?" " Stuffed with amphetamines." " That was outside the premises." " Mr..." " Snake." "One name, one man." "One point." "I don't like drugs." "I don't like epidemics." "At this moment, we seem to have an epidemic of drugs." "I don't like that." "The press love it." "Now, I could close you down, sunshine." " The Snake hears you." " Good." "Well, you point me to where all this doggy doo is coming from or you'll end up in it, belly down." "Zachary Graham, known as zach." " Overdose?" " Suspected." "Ted here found him in the toilet." "One of the kids tipped me off, Superintendent." " Which one?" "Which kid?" " God knows." "In me ear, he just shouted." " It's like a madhouse in here." " I can believe it, Ted." "That's his mates." "They wanted to go to hospital with him, but I thought, "The boss is bound to want a word with them, always does. "" " They might know who's supplying." " Quite right, too." "Mind you, she'd look very fetching in a nurse's uniform." "Game of two halves." "I'll take the pretty one, shall I?" "Droit de seigneur." "Don't talk mucky, Inspector." "Save it for the wife." "Names, please." " Nicholas." " Sophie." "Richmond." "Married?" " Brother." " Sister." "Related." "So, Brother Nicholas, how's the chemical intake these days?" "I neither use nor need drugs." "Neither nor." "Most impressive." "How about you, Sister Sophie?" "It's against my religion." "It may have escaped your notice, but one of your number is lying in hospital." "Hmm." "He's my friend, actually." "Perhaps it was a bad batch." "Baking soda in with the ecstasy." "E." "Huh?" "It's just called E. You know, a tab of." "Tab of." "Thank you." "So where did zachary score his E?" "From whom?" "You were with him?" "The friend?" "I was dancing." "You were with him all night." "You must have seen something." "What have you got to say?" "Tell Daddy." "We don't have a daddy." "Or a mummy." "We've just got Uncle Henry." "Uncle Henry?" "He's our guardian angel." "He's been anoxic since arrival?" "Yes." "And we're still waiting for the results from the toxic screen?" "Yes." "Excuse me, Doctor," "Detective Sergeant Wield, Wetherton Police." "Yes, well, if you're looking for a statement, Sergeant," " I don't fancy your chances." " Do you fancy his?" "Zachary!" "Zachary Graham, our son!" "Mr Graham, Detective Sergeant Wield." "Weird!" "I mean, zach." "The last person." "Clean living, was he?" " No." "But, well..." "Well, he knew his way around." " Was he a dealer?" " We wouldn't know that." " That's right." "ET and I are..." "Clean living." "ET?" "From the film." "You know." "He went to see it about 20 times." "Twenty-three." "Okay, so you paragons don't indulge in altered states, but you'd have to agree, would you not, Boris," "that there's a lot of it about?" "Definitely." "And now your friend zach has become a casualty." "Yeah." "Now, look," "I'm not wagging fingers trying to pretend that when I was your age" "I led a blameless life untouched by Moroccan exotica." "But this is different." "Whoever sold him that stuff harmed him." "Do you understand?" "So, who does the dealing here?" "What I suppose I'm trying to get through to you, Superintendent, is that it is a very secret world." "Nobody will tell you anything because nobody sees anything." "They're all too busy waving at the lights." "It's a form of..." "Worship." " Worship." " Worship?" "Yes." "You see, for some, not me, but some, ecstasy's like... a holy wafer." "They stick out their tongues, they get a little touch and it's chemical heaven." "You're so right, brother of mine." "I'm always right." "You are." "You are." "You." "Your friend zach could end up like a vegetable." "Poor zach." "He loved to dance." "We come and we go." "How very profound." " Can we?" " What?" "Go?" "I'm dying for a pee." "Stop me if you've heard this one, but I don't understand your generation." "Just leave us alone, then." "We've got him stabilised, but he's having bad breathing problems, and his temperature is way too low." "It's not usual, not at all." " So what's the usual for an OD?" " The body overheats, high temperature, muscles break down, big molecules of protein clog up the kidneys," " the brain swells up and..." " Bob's your uncle, Fanny's your aunt." " Aspirins." " That's what they all say." "I've got toothache!" "He moved!" "I'm sure I saw him move." "Mr Graham, if there's anything you want." "So, our intruder left that way?" "How did he get in?" " There's no sign of a break-in." " No." "And the door's always double-locked." " Pocket contents?" "Pardon?" "At the hospital, your son's belongings." "Household keys, were they amongst them?" "No, they weren't." "Oh, dear me." " At the time I just didn't notice." " Well, someone may have taken them." "It's a possible solution, Mr Graham." "But what was he after?" "That's the question." "I wouldn't know." "I'm not allowed in, you see." "Toothache." "Uh, sorry." "Really bad." "Mr Graham, I'm sorry, would you mind taking these aspirin and putting them in a glass of water for me?" "Thank you." "Mr Pascoe will help you." "Professional opinion, they're not soluble." "Really?" " Mmm." "Let me see." "Ah, that's better." "Where's Mrs Graham, is she all right?" "She's at hospital." "We take it in shifts." "That's marriage, I suppose you take things in shifts." " Are you married?" " Yeah." " Do you have children?" " Just the one." "Same here." "But he went away." "Then he came back home a few months ago, said he was feeling low, a bit on the depressed side." " Any particular reason?" " Oh, just problems." "Sister Sophie." " You reckon?" " Oh, yeah." "Who's she seeing to, then, Dracula?" "Wieldy, what do you reckon to them apples?" "I'm more of a peach fancier, sir." "Um, that was the hospital." "Toxic screen analysis." "They've found traces of potassium cyanide as well as the expected MDMA." "Oh, and another thing they didn't expect, nutmeg." " What?" " Essence of nutmeg." "It's a condiment." "I know what it is, but it's not lethal, is it?" "Well, in big enough doses it can be, aye." "If it was a bad batch, we'd have heard about it by now." "So someone made them specially for zach." "I think it's time to shake the tribal tree." "Derek Erskine, also known as ET?" "Slide out from under that Beetle." "This ring a bell, Derek?" " I don't know." "Your friend zach." "Belongs to him, eh?" "Well, he was showing them round the club but, you know, I didn't want to look." " Why not?" " I'm not a voyeur." "Well, who's the man in the photo, Derek?" "Don't know." "Anyone, maybe." "Why would someone break into zach's room to steal it?" "Did they?" "No idea." "This could turn into a murder investigation, Derek." " Murder?" " Yeah." "So think long and hard before you answer." "What can you tell us about this photograph?" "Well, nothing." "Nothing at all." " Well, it's Sophie." " We know it's Sophie." " You want to watch out for her." " How do you mean?" "You'd better be telling the truth, ET." "'Cause if I find out you're not, you'll be wishing you were back on your own planet." "Look, I've got too much invested." "Too many mouths to feed." "Zach and I went in deep for this." "This club is a gold mine and we are going to take it!" "Don't worry, it goes ahead." "A bit of patience, that's all." "We nearly had Sophie, man." "Zach was working on her." "Don't worry about Sophie." "Why not?" "I've got Nick where I want him." "Believe me, Tony, it all goes forward." "Trust the Snake." " Mr Richmond?" " Hmm?" "Detective Inspector Pascoe, this is Detective Superintendent Dalziel." "Oh, come in." "Come in." "Call me Henry." " The guardian angel." " Lf you like." "Go through." "Hmm." "Yeah, that's me." "So what?" "Who's the faceless bloke?" "Who else could it be?" "Zach, surely." "How do you know that?" "Were you on the camera?" "Just a guess." "I know my Sophie." "You ought to try it, you know, Superintendent." " What?" " Posing." "In the nude." "You'd make a lovely centrefold." "Are you a whisky man, Superintendent?" " On occasions." " Malt, 25 years old." "Glenuist." "Yeah, that's a good whisky." " Can I tempt you?" " No, thank you." "What do you know about zach?" "Where'd you meet him?" "At the club?" " We meet everybody at the club." " It's our business." " Home from home." "It's our club." " Our business, we..." "We own it." " You what?" "Oh, it's all my fault, I'm afraid, Superintendent." "Nick and Sophie came to me with a proposition, a business investment." "I put up the money, they set up the club." "Snake runs the show but these two are the bosses." "I did have my doubts but it's proved to be quite a little gold mine." "And it doesn't worry you?" "All these drugs going down?" "Your niece doing it as well?" "It was fun." "We were trying images for the club, a new poster." "It was just a little bit of fun." "Your friend zach was poisoned." "Did you know that?" "It wasn't a simple overdose." "Someone spiked his tab." "If he dies, that makes it murder." "Someone broke into zach's house last night." "It seems their purpose was to try to remove your photograph." "So that ties you in." " I don't see how." "Neither do I yet, but I'll get there." "Don't you worry, Brother Nicholas." "I'll get there." "And when I do, I'll be back knocking on your door." "Uncle Henry's a funny bugger." "Good whisky, but he smells like a tarts' convention." "She was wearing it as well." "You can have the last lad, Boris." " On your own." " And what about you?" "Other plans." "Poor zach." "Hmm." "Poor zach." "Sophie, darling, those photographs." "Not a good idea." "Just happened, Uncle Henry, I'm sorry." "Never mind." "We all make mistakes." "Three years?" "Oh, well." "Doesn't time fly between check-ups?" "Now, if Mr Ruskin can fit me in, I'd be very..." "What?" "Nothing sooner?" "No, no, no, that's fine." "Yeah, I'll be there on the dot." "Yeah, thank you." "Ah, Ted." " What can I get you?" " Double scotch." "Two large Highland Park, please, Bob." "Boris?" "Someone wants to talk to you." "Is it ET?" "No, it's Inspector Pascoe, here, now, waiting." "Right." "So why the need to speak to my son again, Inspector?" "He may be able to help us in connection with certain aspects relating to our investigation." "In other words, you're scratching around in the dark." " I wouldn't put it quite like that." " Oh, well, I would." "I suppose you're duty bound to pursue every line of inquiry." "Every possible lead must be followed and run down to earth." "You seem to know the jargon, Mrs "Waddle"." "Waddell." "Indeed, I do." "How's Andrew, by the way?" " Beg your pardon?" " Andrew Dalziel, how is he?" "The boss?" "Oh, he's fine." "Still bestrides his narrow world like a colossus, like a giant sausage roll?" "You've obviously met." "And you're obviously stuck with him as I used to be." " Beg pardon?" " Oh, once upon a time, when he was but a simple sergeant, we were married, he and I." "So, did you win?" "No, I lost to meself." "There you are, he's all yours, Inspector." " You took your time." " Well, I was out in Morby." "Oh, border country." "Dead posh." " Any luck?" " Not really." "Didn't recognise the man in the photo." "Knew nothing about nothing." " Waste of time." " Should have gone meself." "Sent a boy to do a man's job." " What do you think?" " Boss, can I have a word?" "You're looking at our new undercover agent." "It's not Bruce Willis, I grant you." "Now..." "More like a totem pole with wood rot." "Anyway, be nice to each other." " Yeah, but, boss, I've..." " Later." "Then he shot off." "I couldn't find him after that." " So what are you going to do?" " Leave it, for now." "Any chance it begins to affect the investigation, then I'll just have to..." "Tell him?" "Oh, what a prospect!" " Andy Pandy." "What a laugh." " Oh, not really." "I had a word with Charlie Forbes, station historian." "It seems that Sergeant Dalziel comes home to find Mrs D has flown the coop." "Oh, and who could blame her?" "Well, no warning, nothing." "Word is he took it hard." "Now, that would imply he had feelings." "You women, merciless." "Oh, but we're very sexy with it, sunshine." "So, did you fancy her?" "Mrs D?" " Certainly not." " Mmm." "More likely jealous." "First wife, she was there before you, sweetie." "Settle in all right?" "No problem." "Friday night." "Loads of flesh out there." "I'm a vegetarian." "Personally speaking, I can take it or leave it." "Two fingers." "That's what the English bowman needed in order to draw back the bow and release the arrow." "And if he were caught, they'd cut them off, both of them." "Right off." "And so it was at the battles of Agincourt and Crécy, the English bowman, in order to prove his readiness," "would raise two defiant fingers at the French." "Now, that is precisely what I want us to do with these drug traffickers and drug barons." "Let them feel the full moral force of our fingers." "We're going to raid this club and I want results." "I want these criminals caught red-handed." "I want them banged up, I want them put away." "And I want the press to reflect our glory." "Our triumph." "Today's headlines may be tomorrow's chip paper, but I want that chip paper to read," ""Police anti-drugs crusade successful. "" "Superintendent Dalziel will take you through the rest of the briefing." "Good luck, men." "Don't let me down." "Over to you, Andrew." "Well..." "What can I do but echo the words of my superior?" "Take it or leave it, eh?" "Ladies." "What's going on, Snake?" "Pleasure time." " Bit on the rough side, aren't they?" " I like that." "Remember who you work for, yeah?" "You and your lovely sister." "How could I forget?" "Whose side are you on, Sophie?" "I didn't know we were playing sides, Tony." " Zach was playing sides." " Shh." "Have some respect, yeah?" "Listen, stop playing us off with the club." "Give it up or you're going to feel some serious pain." "I don't like pain." "Right." "Now, you know the drill." "Keep 'em quiet, turn 'em over." "And don't let 'em into the toilets, even if they pee their panties." "Thank you, ladies and gentlemen." "Charlie, how's the missus?" " Comes and goes." " Yeah, don't they all." " We got anything?" " Sir." "Seen him dealing, sir." "Listen, I'll tell you where to find him." "You go straight up there, up these stairs." " Where?" " Straight up there." "Out of the way." "Excuse me." "You two just go, yeah?" "Brother Nicholas." "Come here." "Empty your pockets." " Open up." "Police!" " Open up." " Over here." " All right, love, you stay there." "There's not much of interest here." " Turn out your pockets, son." " There." "Got nothing on me." "Lucky dip." "Well, lucky for some." "Take him down the nick." "They're not mine." "I don't know how they got there." "I'm telling you!" "Bloody hell." "Steady on, love." "Hey up, Maureen." "Bit off your patch, aren't you?" " Snake's done a runner, sir." " We'll catch up with him." "All small-time so far." "Waste of effort." "Boss, there's something you ought to know." "Not now." "I've got other fish to fry." "Right." "Inspector Pascoe will be taking charge of the operation from now on." "Any problems, you can address him." "Enough in this packet to mark you down, son." "No personal consumption here." " A dealer." " They're not mine!" "I don't know how they got there." "You're a pusher, Boris." "You scored from a source." "I want that source." "I want names." "I don't know any names." "I'm just a pastry chef." "Don't muck about with me, son!" "I'm not in the mood." "It's not a game, it's not funny." "There's a kid lying in hospital with brains like a blancmange because of what you did to him." "I never harmed anybody!" "You sold drugs to zach." " I never sold anything." " Then who did?" "Who's the dealer?" "What about your mate ET?" " Is it him?" " No!" "He wouldn't do anything like that." "He's my friend." "I look at you and I see a loser." "Somebody who's going down for a long time." " Is that what you want?" " No!" "Then give me a name." "Sir, the suspect's mother's here." "So, let her wait." " But she said..." " She's from Morby." "Don't be afraid of posh, son." "They use the toilet same as the rest of us." "Now, get out." "No, but she had a message for you." "She said..." "What?" "She said, "Tell him to get his fat backside out here. "" " Sir, what about the suspect?" " You take care of him." "I never thought the day would come when I'd have to look at your face again." "But come it has." "And I'm bound to say it's not got better over the years." "I mean, why should it?" "The gargoyles of Notre Dame don't change, why should you?" "Come with me." "I do not have a fat backside." " Really?" " Generous, ample even, but not fat!" "You have my son Boris in custody." "Yes, I do." "But I didn't know he was yours until just now." "Poor lad." "No wonder he talks funny." " Where's Superintendent Dalziel?" " With the suspect's mum." "Could I have a glass of water, please?" "Didn't your inspector tell you after his little visit?" "No, he did not." "So he knew, did he?" " Not that it would make any difference." " Not that it would." "Your son Boris was in possession of a stash of ecstasy." "Enough in number to indicate that he was in fact pushing them." " A drug dealer." " Oh, that's not true." "He had them in his jacket hood." " Well, somebody put them there." " Who?" " Well, the police, maybe." " I doubt it." "Anyway, unless your son comes up with a satisfactory explanation, he shall remain in custody." " You'll be hearing from my lawyers." " Oh, aye?" "The lawyers?" "Same lot as did the divorce, eh?" "Alan's away at a conference for the week." "I want this sorted out before he gets back." "What's his full name again?" "I keep forgetting." " Alan Waddell." " Oh, yeah." "So you must be Mary Waddell." "Not "Waddle"." "I came home that night, you weren't there." "I had fish and chips, a double portion." "And a "bottel" of wine." " It was time to go." " Well, maybe it is again." "Because I'm keeping hold of your darling boy." "And if I don't like what he has to offer," "I shall charge him." "Twenty years, and you've not changed a bit." " Neither have you." " The only thing you've ever cared about in your life is this job." "It's the only thing you're good for, it's the only thing you're good at." "My son is innocent and I know it." "And I want you to prove it." "Go on." "Show me how good you are, Andrew, at your job." "Find the guilty party and set my son free." "And then maybe I'll kiss your fat backside." " Uh, boss, I'm..." "Sorry, I..." " Sorry?" "That woman's got a tongue like ham slice and dipped in arsenic, and you..." "You let me walk in there with me flanks uncovered." " I tried to tell you!" " Well, you didn't try hard enough!" "I don't ask much of people." "But I don't expect to get stitched up by me own man." "What?" "The hospital just called." "Parents finally gave consent to shut down life support." "Zachary Graham is now no more." "So, he's dead." "Zachary Graham is no more." "And your troubles are just beginning." "I did nothing bad." "I'm a pastry chef!" "Your friends Nick, Sophie." "What about them?" "When I talk to them, it feels like they're somewhere else." "You know, like in a parallel universe." "Sophie likes to dance." "Would she dance on your grave?" "Yeah." "Nobody gets near Nick." "How come?" "They lost their mum and dad, when they were little, an accident." "Nick told me." "He said they were drunk." "Dead drunk." "Boris, if you're innocent like you say, someone planted that stash on you." " Definitely." " The night we hit the club," "Nick was standing beside you, then you moved away." " Yeah." " Could it have been him?" "I don't know." "Boris, is he a dealer?" "You have to tell me." "I don't know anything." "Well, that's fine." "That's just fine by me." "You'll be charged, brought to trial, found guilty." "Your mother weeping." "Oh aye, she'll be weeping." "Then you'll end up in Strangeways." "And believe me, never was a place more appropriately named." "Well, is that what you want?" "I'm sorry, Mr Dalziel." "So am I, lad." "So am I." "Ah, Superintendent." "How goes the crusade?" " Oh, uh, onwards and upwards." " Boris Waddell." "Had his mother's lawyers on the phone to me." "Either release or charge him, and certainly it's not release, is it?" " Well, no but..." " Good, let's get it done." "But just to make sure, I'd..." "I'd like to hold off for a bit longer." "You sure you're not letting personal considerations come into this, Andrew?" " Personal?" " Considerations." "I expect to hear from you shortly." " Why'd you do it, Charlie?" " I didn't mean to cause trouble." " I only hinted." " You dropped me right in it." " Why?" " For my missus." "Christmas dance at the golf club." " What?" " Well, you disappeared outside with her, and when you came back, she had sand in her hair, and you had it all down the back of your pants." "I noticed!" "Observation." " That was last year." " What's seen is seen." "You've been bottling it up since then?" " Why didn't you ask the wife?" " She'd hit me." "I'll hit you!" "For your information, we were both under the influence." "We went into one of the bunkers and played at making sand castles." "If you don't believe me, ask her." "Ask her!" "All right, I will." " Ah." " Ah!" "Three fillings on the lower left jaw, in a particularly parlous state." "Only to be expected." "Three years with no check-up and three years of pub grub." "Sorry, Mr Ruskin." "A little on the late side, Miss Patterson." "The buses were terrible." "But at least you don't get parking tickets." "If you could prepare some amalgam, please, zoe?" "I got a parking ticket the other day." "In the high street." "Five minutes in the chemist, out I come and there it is." "A young constable, standing beside my car, glowing with pride at his achievement." "Now, I assume you want an injection?" "I don't suppose you ever floss, do you?" "No." "Flossing keeps plaque at bay, Mr Dalziel." "Flossing is crucial." "Yeah, okay." "Thanks." "How was the dentist?" "How'd you know I was at the dentist?" "Mouthwash." "Unmistakeable." "Sherlock bloody Holmes." "Mrs Waddell's lawyers have been in touch." " Screw them." " And we just had a message telling us that zach Graham's dad's shop's been broken into." "Never rains." "Wieldy, sort it." "Who else did you tell about that woman?" "Ellie, that's all." "She must be pissing herself." "Not at all." "She's been very sympathetic." "Emptied out the drugs cupboard." "Heaven knows what they've stolen." "Burglar alarm." "You have one?" "Then why didn't it go off?" "Did you change the locks?" "After zach's keys went missing, did you change all the locks?" "No, I haven't had time, what with..." "I mean, he only..." "Just last night." "Is there nothing these people won't do?" " What's the problem?" " We can't get in." "It's locked." "No Snake." "If you see him, tell him to clean it himself." "Sergeant Forbes at the station said you might be here." "A mine of information, he is." "Well, here I am." "What can I do for you?" "Bloody hell." "Anniversary photo." "Thee and me." "Mary O'Reilly." "Do you remember the first time we met?" "I thought you were a navvy's daughter." "I was an art student, naive in the extreme." "But posh." "I was your bit of rough." "Man of the people, salt of the earth." "Dead posh." "Streaky bacon left you unmoved." "O'Reilly's daughter, eh?" "# As I was sitting by the fire" "# Eating bread and drinking water" "# Suddenly a thought came to my head" "# I never kissed O'Reilly's daughter #" "I'm asking you, please release my son." "You can get him out on bail after he's been charged." "He won't help me, so I can't help him." " I've tried, believe you me..." " Oh, spare me." "A boy's dead, because your son might have sold him drugs." " Prove it." " I shall." "That's the charge." "It carries a heavy sentence." "I'd definitely prepare him a packed lunch." "You look like a bag of manure, Andrew." "I'll see you in court." "Another pint and a sausage roll, please." "Have you started with your flossing yet?" "No?" "There you are." "Cheers." "Yeah?" "Okay." "I'm on me way." "Used to be pennies." "Pennies for the eyes." "Now it's tabs." "Same as the stash on Boris." "Well, at least they can't blame this on him." "Smells like a brothel in here." "Well, you'd know that better than me." "I doubt it." "So tell me all." "It's early days yet, but..." "Saliva traces, marks on that cushion." "Looks like somebody used that to smother him." "Why leave pills on his eyes?" "Two fingers to the boys in blue." "Sir, I found something." "There it is, sir." "Vomit." "Someone's vomited." " Undeniable." " Could be connected, sir." "Could be." "Could very well be." "We'll get the SOCO out here to shovel it up." "They'll love that." " Now, PC, uh..." " Hector, sir." "Hector?" "Oh, yes, I remember, yeah." "Now, look, there's a definite lack of witnesses on this case, so, um..." "You see that window over there?" "My mother, my dear old mother, has a saying," ""One net curtain, one pair of eyes. "" "You see, behind every net curtain, there lurks a nosey parker." "A watcher of the street." "So why don't you go over there and find me a witness?" "Yes, sir." "Right, sir." "Right away, sir." " One net curtain, one pair of eyes?" " Something like that." "What do you reckon to this, then?" "Found it under the body." "Gentlemen prefer them." "Blondes, you know." "Perfume." "That smell, the Richmond house, remember?" " Uncle Henry?" " And Sophie." "She wore it as well." "Let's not forget Sister Sophie, the blonde bombshell." "I'm sorry to disappoint you, Superintendent, but we've been here all morning." "Together." "You a natural blonde, Sophie?" "Do you want me to prove it?" "May one ask why your interest?" "Oh, just a case of murder." "Your friend Snake, in his office this morning, choked to death." "Poor Snake." "Snake's dead?" "We found a blonde hair on the sofa, under the body." "Well, the world's full of blondes." "Then Sophie won't mind a DNA test." " There's lots of my hair on that sofa." " How come?" "We used to make out there, Snake and me." "I thought it was you and zach made out." "Yeah, zach was beautiful." "But Snake was... more inventive." "That perfume of yours," "Snake's office stank of it this morning." "Nothing I wear stinks, Superintendent." "A lot of people wear that perfume." "Including your Uncle Henry." "Uncle Henry doesn't use it, he makes it." "You what?" "Richmond Perfumes?" "His business?" "You didn't mention the pills on Snake's eyes." "Must have slipped me mind." "Now, Peter, refresh my memory." "Possible cover for a drugs factory in the manufacturing trade." "Three Ps." "Paint, plastics and perfume." " Will I quote you from the handbook?" " Just get in." "Superintendent, would you care for a malt while we're waiting?" "I don't think so, Uncle Henry." "Such a waste of taxpayers' money, all this." "Sir, can you come over here, please?" "Would you care to do the honours?" "Uncle Henry, this way if you, please." "My, you've got more ecstasy here than in a brothel." "Would you care to explain all this, sir?" "Certainly." "I create an altered reality, and then turn it into tablet form, like Moses on the mountain." "Like these?" "It's remarkably easy for someone of my technical ability." "I assemble all the ingredients, extract from the essential oils, add a little bit here, a little bit there, pour it into the mould and..." "Hmm." "I suppose it's baking by any other name, but more patisserie than..." "You make and supply drugs." " Yes, I do." " And Nicholas?" "He deals them out the club?" "Oh, no, Nicholas has nothing to do with this." "All my idea." "I'm the one." " I supply the dealers." "What dealers?" "Who?" "I don't know, they just come and go." "I don't believe you, Henry." "You're not into drugs." " You're a malt whisky man." " I could do with one now." "I wonder, could I tempt you?" "Uncle Henry, you're a cultured man." "You're not going to like it in the pokey." "Glenuist they do not serve." "Now why make it harder for yourself?" "He's my brother's little boy." "He's not a little boy." "He's a monster." "Sad." "We won't be like each other any more." "We'll always be like each other." "Terrible twins, eh?" "Gemini." "Oh, that smells disgusting!" "My little brother John came to my birthday party with his wife and their two adorable children." ""Aren't they adorable?" everyone said." "It was a scorcher of a day, a Sunday." "Pimm's on the lawn." "Tricky drink, Pimm's." "Terribly English." "Creeps up on one." "John and Sue wanted to go home, but I said, "No, have another." ""Have another. "" "I was carefree, it was my birthday." "So, to please me, they did." "John was driving." "He always fancied himself as a fast driver," "Grand Prix stuff." "But the car never made the corner." "Turned over and hit a tree, at speed." "Nicholas and Sophie were in the back." "They were alive." "John and Sue were in the front." "They were dead." "While I was sitting in my garden, as drunk as a lord." "So, you became the guardian angel?" "I became responsible." "Somebody put potassium cyanide in one of these and poisoned zach with it." "And this very morning, someone murdered Snake." "Left him for dead with one on each eyelid." "Are you responsible for that as well?" "I think I'd like to speak to my lawyer, please." "I don't believe for a minute that Uncle Henry did this alone." "Bloody fool." "But Nicholas will get away with it." "We'll see." "We've got nothing on him." "I think I know a little dental nurse who can help us." "Do you have an appointment?" "Do you have a police record?" "Sorry?" "We met in the club." "Didn't recognise you in your civvies." "But there you were, in the book." "Zoe Patterson." "Quantity of cannabis, personal use of." "Cautioned." "Kept in overnight and booted out in the morning." "No wonder you were late for work." "And there you were blaming the buses." "Now, zoe, I was hoping you could help me get a better understanding of the club scene, as it were." "I'm sure Mr Ruskin won't mind, you and he being so friendly, as it were." "Where is he?" "I'll have a word with him." "No, leave him alone." "Don't involve him." "Please." "Please." "I take it he's not aware of your clubbing?" "Getting arrested, using drugs?" "But even if he was, love conquers all." "What do you want to know?" "The lad Boris, is he a dealer?" " Not a chance." " What about Nicholas?" "Keep it honest, zoe." "What is he dealing?" "Tablets." "All kinds." " Always got a supply." " I'll bet he has." "What about zach?" "Zach had his own thing going." "Oh, God." "I don't know what, but Sophie was in there with him." "And another guy, Tony." "Tony?" "Is he another dealer?" "He's a lowlife." "Him and zach, they came on strong in the club." "Real strong." " Where might I find this Tony?" " I don't know." "Don't move, Mrs Nugent." "I won't be a moment." "Miss Patterson?" "Hello?" "Thank you for your condolences." "No, no, no, it's not convenient right now." "Call back later." "That's him." "Tony." "Tony who?" "Don't know." "Just Tony." " Can I go now?" " Yeah." "I'd like to give you a lift back, but there's an excellent bus service." "Now, why is he going in there and he hasn't even got a wreath?" "Could be a different kind of assignation." "There's a lot of cruising done in cemeteries." "Cruising in the crypts, eh?" "I don't think so." "Come out, come out, wherever you are!" "Come on, you..." " Who is it?" "Meals on Wheels, love." "Good afternoon." "Is that your window?" "When he came back home, I knew something was wrong." "My son." "I caught him stealing from my shop, methadone and such like." "He told me he was in trouble." "Big trouble." "He owed people a lot of money." "Bad people." "The drugs, that was what they wanted." "He had to give it them, otherwise they'd cut him up." "That's what he said." ""They'd cut me up, Dad. "" "And you believed him?" "You have to believe your own children." "So he carried on, did he?" "Stealing and supplying?" "I had to help him." "My son." "You robbed your own shop, didn't you?" "It wasn't the missing keys." "All that baloney you told Sergeant Wield." "You robbed your own place and had us running round in circles." "It were Tony." "After zach died, he rang up." "He knew about it." "He threatened me." "But he said it was just the once." "Zach had promised him and he'd had people on his back, waiting." "But it was just the once." "And then..." "There's no such thing as just the once, Mr Graham." "How could you be such a bloody fool?" "He was my son." "Zach's funeral, I mustn't miss it." "I will be able to get out for it, won't I?" "I will be able?" "I'll have to." "If I don't go, he'll never forgive me." "I'll speak to you later." "Andy?" "I spoke to the missus." "Oh, yeah?" "She confirmed the story." "You were making sandcastles." " That's what I told you." " I owe you an apology." "Oh, nothing a bottle of malt won't cure, Charlie." "But next time, try to have more faith in your fellow officers, eh?" "Aye." "Look, I ain't saying nothing till I've seen a brief." "Can I have a word?" "Stay with him, Wieldy." "So, we're still on the outside looking in." "Bandits at one o'clock." "Sir, I'm letting Boris Waddell go." "He had nothing to do with it." "I have the two guilty parties under arrest, plus a self-confessed drug supplier." "I shall charge them shortly." "Make a great headline. "Police sniff out drug factory. "" "It'll be on your desk first thing in the morning, sir." "Game over." "I knew you'd come through, Superintendent." "Well done." "One thing, though." "Game over, but the crusade goes on, eh?" "Onwards and upwards." "Got it, sir." "Cracked it." "One net curtain." " Huh?" " One pair of eyes." "It were an old lady." "She were afraid of the TV licence man." "That's why she wouldn't answer the door." "But she were no match for my subterfuge." "It's been a long day, Hector." "Oh, got you, sir." "Cut to the quick, eh?" "They're ready for you, Derek." ""Derek the Dazzler, Ecological Magician"?" " What the hell is that?" " Sponsored by the council." "They have a lot to answer for." "What was that?" "Lion!" "That's right!" "Now, do any of you know any special magic powerful words?" "Abracadabra!" " Abracadabra." "That's right." "Now, that's a very special magic word, because look, it can turn my magic cane here into... a beautiful green scarf!" "Oh." "Just like that." "Don't." "No, don't throw it at me." "Oh, my hand." "It was you, wasn't it?" "With your little cloak." "That girl Sophie couldn't tell the truth to save her life." "You want to tell us about it, Derek?" "It..." "Well, we were..." "We took these tabs, right?" "Acid, E, I don't know what." "Sophie and I, not Nick." "Nick never does." "It got out of hand." "She kept on pulling me on." "You know, I'd never done that before." "Never." "Then zach got hold of the photos?" "Yeah." "Sophie gave it to him." "Thought it funny." "He was going to use it, you know, a new image for the club." "Flyers, posters." "Everybody would look at it." "Everybody would see." "So what happened?" "I watched zach." "He were dancing." "He was so wrecked." "Ran into the toilets after a while." "I followed him in." "I got his keys and I took the photos." "So you used his keys to get into the house, get the negatives and finish the job?" "Yeah." "I threw the keys in the canal and burnt the photos and negatives." "Burnt them, burnt them." "Why so upset, Derek?" "'Cause you had to get rid of zach to protect yourself?" " No, I never touched him." "Never!" " Then why so upset?" "Well, I'm not." "I'm not." "So you didn't knock off zach, okay." "How about Snake?" "What are you talking about?" "You were witnessed at the scene." "You and your car." "You were there." "He was murdered." "No, I was only watching!" "Watching who?" "Who were you watching?" "Well, I tried to get in but, you know, I couldn't." "So I went round, but..." "So I looked in." "What did you see, Derek?" "Somebody..." "Somebody were pressing his face." "A cushion." " And he were dead." " Somebody?" "Who was it, Derek?" "Who killed him?" "Sophie." "It was Sophie." "I didn't mean to look." "It was Sophie killed Snake?" "Yeah." "Please." "I need to go to the toilet." "Go on." "Snake has something on Nicholas and Sophie kills him to protect her brother." "Why are they not jumping up and down for joy?" "Are you all right?" "Because you will have known Nicholas." " True enough." "Really, come on." " No, it's more than that." "Open the door, Derek." " Me waters are acting up again." "Open this door!" "Do you hear me?" "Open the door!" "What have you done to him?" "Derek?" "Open the door, if you don't mind." "Derek!" "Oh, my God!" "How many have you taken, lad?" "They all came back up." "You'd better hope they did, sunshine." "Get an ambulance!" "He'll be all right." "More of a cry for help." "Yeah, but what help?" "What have we missed that he needs help about?" " So, we bring in Sophie?" " And Brother Nicholas." " We've nothing on him." " I don't bloody care." "I want them both." "Sophie!" "Oi!" "What a pretty boy." "What a pretty girl." "Don't worry, my little sister." "Please don't worry." "Hmm." "Yeah." "Yeah, I've got it." "Somewhere." "I was going to pop the report over in the morning." "Well, pop it over now, if you don't mind." "Oh, all right." "Keep your hair on." "Yes, here we are. "Lab report, blonde hair in Snake's office. "" "Um, well, it's not human." "Well, what is it then, alien?" "No, it's just, it's synthetic." "Cheap imitation." "Thank you." "I think I know why ET got himself so upset." "What a laugh." "Here I am worrying my guts about who the man was in this." "And I should have been thinking about the blonde." "It isn't Sophie, it's Nicholas." "He had a wig." "He put it on to look like her." "So, all the time ET thought it was Sophie cuddling and squeezing at his back," "and it was her darling brother." "No wonder he was so desperate to get hold of the negatives." "A lot of people die around you, don't they, Sophie?" "Zach." "Snake." "Your parents." "Nicholas!" "Must have been traumatic." "Your age, you and Nicholas." "Alone in the car." "Nicholas!" "Nicholas!" " The suspect has now got up." " I want to get out." "She's moving around the room in an agitated state." "She's picking up the chair and putting it back." "He can't hear you, Sophie." "You're on your own." "No, he said this would be easy." "He told me what to say." "What was it like, Sophie?" " Was it cold?" "Was it wet?" " No." " Were you crying?" " No, no!" "It's the silence, isn't it?" "After the crash." "That awful silence." "Please, I really, really don't want to talk about this." "I think you do." "I think you've wanted to talk about it for a very long time." "We've got all day." "So why don't we talk about it?" "Nicholas isn't here." "It'll just be our secret." "You and me." "Tell Daddy." "Daddy was across the dashboard." "And Mummy was all curled up like they were asleep." "But they weren't." "How do you mean?" "Their eyes were open... staring, their eyes were open, looking at us." "Who closed their eyes?" "Nicholas." "Nicholas closed their eyes." "He couldn't bear it." "He had these sweets in his pocket and he took them out and he put them on their eyes and then they were asleep." "Sophie, the wig Nicholas wore to look like you," "to look like his sister, where is it?" "He burnt it." "My big... big brother." "He loves me." "He'll save me." "She's going down for murder." "Don't be stupid." "We have a witness." "Your friend ET." "He saw her kill Snake." "Cushion on the face, pressed down." " Hands tied." " I don't believe you." "She cracked up when she realised we'd nailed her." "Gave us a load of rubbish about some photo with ET and you in a wig." "Mind you, I think she enjoyed the chat." "Got all that stuff about your parents off her chest." " Our parents?" "She told us all about it." "She was quite upset." "But you want to know the funny bit?" "What really made me laugh?" "She thinks you're going to save her." "She'll find it very hard, all alone." "She didn't do it." "Never mind." "She'll be in prison." "Pretty face like that," " big girls'll be queuing up for her." " She didn't do it!" "You sound like a broken record, son." "Anyway, you're free to go now." "Sophie won't be coming with you, though." "She'll be with the big girls." "I did it." "You what?" "I killed him." "Prove it." "His eyes, I covered them up with some tabs." " Describe them." " Double G." "G for Gemini." "Twins." "Sophie and me." "I thought you were the big brother?" "By three minutes." "You know nothing." "Then tell us, Nicholas." "Help us to know." "Tony and zach were trying to take over the club, weren't they?" "And you killed zach to spoil their plans." "I gave Sophie some tabs for zach." "He died." "And Snake saw." "After the raid, Snake rang me up." "Tried to blackmail me, said he'd tell the police that I killed zach." "So I said I'd meet him at the club." "I got there early and I waited and then I stopped him breathing." "He was nice, when he stopped." "He was lovely." " Why did you wear the wig?" " He'd been with Sophie." "He had no right." "I was Sophie and Sophie was me, we're twins!" "He had no right to come between us." "He's unworthy." "Only me." "I take care of her." "You do." "You have." "She's my sister, you see." "Always." "Only thanks to the grace of God, my own great good nature, that you're escaping the shame, disgrace and public humiliation which are your due and just desserts." "And if I catch you, if I catch you, Boris, anywhere near drugs for the rest of your natural life," "I shall have your guts for garters, slam you in jail so fast that your size 12s won't even touch the ground!" " Do you understand me, lad?" " Yes, Superintendent." "Good!" "Now, get out!" " But it's my home." " Get out anyway!" "I believe you are to kiss my fat backside." "At a distance." "Thank you, Andrew Dalziel." "Why did you..." "Why did you leave me?" " What's this?" " A meringue." "Boris makes good meringues." "If I'd stayed, I'd have died." "Inside." "Close your eyes." "Time to go." "Not much of a family resemblance." "I feel a pint calling." "Let's go home." "# As I was sitting by the fire" "# Eating bread and drinking water" "# Suddenly, a thought came to my head" "# I never kissed O'Reilly's daughter #" "# Tiddle-aye, tiddle-aye... #"