"I want a w--w--word with you!" "That's three words, for a start!" "" " That g--girl at Grimshaw's." "" " Big Edna?" "Aye?" "" " Have you been kn--knock--knocking..." "" " Pardon?" "I've admired her from a distance." "Have you been kn--kn--knocking coppers off her weekly order?" "Let me finish!" "Well?" "You do it for Mrs Featherstone." "Not without sticking them back somewhere else!" "" " There you are, Granville." "" " Ta." "Are you still doing Open University?" "Yes." "Maybe I could come round and talk about contemporary themes in literature and you could wear that short dress." "I don't think you're ready yet, Granville, for that short dress." "How can she tell?" "How can she tell?" "Hey!" "Will you b--bring that milk in before you c--curdle it!" "Milk is not made to stand the temperature that errand boys operate at!" ""Errand boy"?" "Huh!" "Errand boy." "I'm a real success story, I am, aren't I?" ""There goes Granville." "He's only been working for his uncle since he was ten" ""and already he's an errand boy."" "You wouldn't want me to be the errand boy." "How would you feel working for an errand boy?" "I wouldn't mind if I had some decent transport." "Don't start!" "We were remarking the other day how well you look on that sh--shop bike." "" " Shop bike!" "It's clapped out." "" " That reminds me." "" " Did we get Mrs Blewitt's bread order?" "" " Cottage loaf and a bloomer." "Yes, she certainly gives that impression!" "Any road, who's this "we" that was remarking how well I looked on the shop bike?" "Myself and a certain lady whose taste I admire, even though at times it is slightly medicinal -- her taste, I mean." "" " Nurse Gladys." "Who else?" "" " Don't put it all on her!" "If o--only I c--could!" "The times I've tried to persuade her to allow me to b--become a private patient!" "You'd think I'd be allowed to B--BUPA now we're engaged!" "But she won't have it." "She won't listen." "She's cuddly but stubborn, bless her!" "Oh, does me old heart good to think of her up there at this very moment." "Alone in that huge bed, with ample room for the s--small private grocer!" "Sleeping the sleep of the only j--just!" ""The only just"?" "I made progress last night with the aid of some C--Cyprus sherry." "She's still sticking to her principles, but only just!" "G--G--Granville, did you warm that pot?" "No, I warmed that one over there!" "You always ask me that every meal time." "You say, "G--G--Granville, did you warm that pot?"" "" " I always warm the pot." "" " No need to get all Vanessa about it!" "" " Have we got to have bacon again?" "" " You like bacon." "I do like a bit of bacon." "I just wish you wouldn't make me eat the bacon rind." "" " Tasty, is bacon rind." "" " It's tasty enough, but it takes 40 minutes to chew it!" "You can't go through life wasting things." "Unless you're nationalised!" "What about me teeth?" "I'm down to the canvas on me teeth!" "(SHOP BELL RINGS)" "You look after this b--bacon." "Don't let them rashers get c--curled up." "I like 'em nice and flat!" "Oh, hello!" "A smartly--dressed stranger c--come to part with his money!" "" " Not exactly." "" " You mean he doesn't count his change?" "Could you give me directions to Abercorn Street?" "Give you?" "Give you directions to Abercorn Street?" "I can sell you directions to Abercorn Street." "" " Sell me?" "" " You are not from these parts, I take it?" "" " I'm just here on business." "" " Aren't we all?" "In that case, you'll realise there are h--overheads." "We have rates to pay, wear and tear, staff to pay." "All these blazing 40--watt bulbs." "Then there's the heating." "Heating?" "It doesn't feel terribly warm here." "It might help if you put the wood in the hole!" "You wouldn't feel the heat because you come from a milder climate." "" " What, Luton?" "" " Sub--tropical Bedfordshire, you see!" "But the locals round here think this is quite a hot shop." "Most of them just come in to get done to a turn!" "" " I can imagine!" "" " In return for this service to a customer, a benevolent council allows us struggling shopkeepers to charge for directions." "30p--p--p for the first mile, or p--p... or p--p... or part thereof." "Oh." "And how far is Abercorn Street?" "Oh, d--don't panic." "I'll give you all the short cuts." "It'll be less than a pound." "Don't worry." "Alternatively, you could make a few token purchases and then the service would be free." "He wanted 'em flat." "He can have 'em flat!" "There we are, sir. 37p change." "Do call again." "I don't think so." "I may never come this way again." "" " Sh--Ships that pass in the night, eh?" "" " I feel I've run aground somewhere." "Well, you can shove yourself off with that." "Come on, don't keep it a secret." "Where is Abercorn Street?" "You just passed it." "First on the right, down there." "I thought everybody kn--knew that." "# If I can help s--s--somebody" "# As I pass along" "# Then my living will not be in vain #" "(SQUEAKING)" "Nice to see a smiling face." "How are you keeping, Granville?" "Oh, hi, Wendy!" "" " You going my way?" "" " Am I going her way?" "(SQUEAKING CONTINUES)" "I'm coming." "I'm coming." "The next bike that opens its mouth is gonna get a kick up the sprockets!" "(SQUEAKING)" "(SQUEAKING SPEEDS UP)" "Couldn't you go some other way, Granville?" "Please?" "You swine!" "It gets so as you don't know what to give him for dinner." "" " Is he back?" "" " I think so." "" " He's not sure himself." "" " Oh." "Wh--Which one does he like?" "Does he like that one?" "" " Yeah, he likes that one." "" " There we are, then." "Mind you, he likes that one as well." "If I get it wrong, he yells at me." "Slings it across the kitchen." "Does he?" "Well, definitely take the beefburgers." "They travel better." "I've seen them used as frisbees, them." "Mavis, you stand there and make your mind up." "I'll go and serve Mrs F--F--F--F...." "Mrs F..." "That woman over there." "" " Stewing steak." "" " Bless you." "" " I'll have a look at that one." "" " That one there?" "" " Is it a good brand?" "" " It's been very well behaved on the shelf." "Course it's a g--good brand." "How long do you think I'd last if I sold rubbish?" "If you want rubbish, go round to my c--competitor round the corner." "" " He's less than you are on several items." "" " He's five foot one -- he can afford to be!" "" " He has regular reductions." "" " Look what it's done to him!" "He needs a ladder to look over his counter!" "" " He's always polite." "" " Smarmy, you mean." "Smarmy." "He's the type that wears Brylcreem on his teeth!" "That's not his own smile, you know." "It's one they can hire from the Grocers' Federation." "It doesn't even fit him." "If you observe closely, you'll find he's wearing the smile of a m--much larger person." "I haven't anything against the man personally." "Outside office hours he's probably absolutely r--repulsive." "But he's so s--small he can't be all that repulsive -- although he does try." "Are you gonna buy that tin or bring it up to body temperature?" "I don't think so." "Things are so dear in tins -- especially round here." "Well, it's h--overheads, you see." "" " I have things specially flown in." "" " Flown in?" "Yes." "There's a pigeon mark on that one." "" " Listen!" " (SQUEAKING)" "Here comes my p--private jet now." "That is it." "Finished." "Never again!" "How's a young man supposed to feel with that squeaking thing between his legs?" "Whatever can he mean?" "They get easily upset, these jet pilots." "I think it's the v--vertical takeoff." "That's the first time Granville's ever walked past me without saying something." "" " Sounded like something to me!" "" " I mean something personal." "Sounded personal enough to me!" "Why don't you face it?" "That old shop bike is clapped out!" "Oil and a few adjustments is all it needs." "" " Attend to these ladies." "I'll fix the bike." "" " It needs more than an oil can." "" " It needs Aladdin's lamp!" "" " Just attend to these customers, please." "And no hanky--panky with Widow Twanky!" "" " Hello, Mavis." "" " Hello, Granville." "Oh, my God!" "Are you in a hurry or shall I serve Mrs Featherstone?" "I don't know whether I'm in a hurry or not." "" " No, you're not in a hurry." "" " Aren't I?" "No." "What can I do for you, Mrs Featherstone?" "It might be all right for certain articles, but to be blunt, a woman of my age feels easier discussing her needs with persons of a mature outlook." "" " How about some boiled ham?" "" " Is it wrapped?" "" " No, but I can wrap it for you." "" " No, thank you, Granville." "I could never bring meself to buy anything unwrapped from today's liberated youth." "Don't worry about me." "I'm still waiting to be liberated." "If the permissive society reached this far it must have been while I was out on that damn shop bike!" "(PIERCING SQUEAK)" "What are you doing to that dog?" "Aren't you a bit big for playing with dogs?" "I n--never touched him, moon of my delight." "Keep your voice down, you great fool!" "What I'm really looking forward t--to to keep me company at nights is a well--trained obedient s--state registered nurse." "" " One with a cold nose and a warm..." "" " Shurrup!" "Yes, definitely a warm shurrup!" "No household pet should be without a warm shurrup!" "(SQUEAKING)" "Why don't you do something about that bike?" "It's not the bicycle, it's me!" "In the interests of humanity you ought to p--pop over tonight" " and have a look at my squeak." "" " Don't get yourself excited." "One day you'll be going a funny colour and gasping for breath." "Promises, promises!" "Ready when you are!" "Being a widow woman suits Mrs Featherstone." "She's taken to it very easily." "Wh--Why not?" "She's practised that gloomy expression for years!" "I get the distinct impression she likes her husband a lot better now he's dead." "Say what you like, he's less argumentative!" "" " She doesn't seem very unhappy." "" " She knows where he is of an evening." "You can't understand people, can you?" "Indian widows throw themselves on fires when their husbands die." "Be fair to Mrs Featherstone, Granville." "This is a smokeless zone!" "You can hardly expect her to hurl herself on top of the night storage heater!" "" " You'd expect her to show some emotion." "" " Have you tried overcharging her?" "I expect a bit of emotion when I go." "You're only g--going to Sanderson Street!" "I don't mean when I go out on deliveries." "I mean... when...when I'm dead." "Just make sure you go to Sanderson Street first!" "I don't want you turning up there after you're dead." "Unless it's first thing in the morning -- they won't notice!" "I can't imagine that, somehow." "Can you?" "You know, me being dead." "Ow!" "G--Get on with it, will you?" "If there's any d--dying to be done, it'll be done in your own time." "When I go, I want beautiful women tearing their hair." "I shall leave instructions for a private funeral, but if the crowd rush it, I want you to let them in." "Every year on the anniversary of my death," "I want a mysterious woman in black to place upon my grave a single flower." "P--Plain or self--raising?" "Come on, what's all this talk about dying?" "We've all got to go sometime." "You should have gone to Atkinson Terrace." "I just thought Mrs Featherstone might have shown more affection towards her husband." "She's up at the c--cemetery every Saturday afternoon." "She sees more of him now than she ever did." "If only I'd seen a tear." "Just a single tear." "" " She's the old school." "They soldier on." "" " Ought to be more to married life." "She looked after him." "He always came home to a meal." "Yes, but what about affection, eh?" "You know, a bit of a giggle." "A bit of slap and tickle." "" " There was some of that and all." "" " That I don't believe!" "Oh, yes, there was." "Twice a week." "From her up at Atkinson Terrace!" "(SHOP BELL RINGS)" "Don't stand there with your mouth open." "There's a bus coming." "Get into the shop." "Go on." "What number Atkinson Terrace?" "" " Hello, Mrs Whittington." "" " Is your bread fresh?" "Yes, like the morning dew, Mrs Whittington." "Wet and soggy, is it, like yesterday's?" "No, it's lovely and fresh, this bread." "" " Listen." "" " Go on, maul it about." "I'll take one." "" " One small brown sliced loaf." "" " But not that one." "One other small brown sliced loaf." "" " Have you any potted meat?" "" " Potted meat?" "It's in the other room." "" " Who have you got in the shop?" "" " Mrs Whittington." "Makes your heart bleed for that poor Dick she married!" "Strange little woman, isn't she?" "She reminds me of a b--boil I used to get on the b--back of me neck." "" " How much do you wanna charge for these?" "" " Thirty--f..." "Thirty--f..." "Thirty--six pence." "Is there nobody happy round here?" "" " Ask me that when I've cashed up tonight." "" " In their personal relationships!" "Well, there's Mrs Prior and her gerbil." "Enough to put you off marriage for life!" "If you're not going to get married, what will you do for entertainment?" "Keep getting yourself signed in by a member?" "You'll soon run out of ink, won't you?" "Make that thirty--nine." "" " What do you keep looking at me for?" "" " Are you happy, Mrs Whittington?" "With one brown loaf and a quarter of potted meat?" "No, I mean with life." "With marriage." "You read about these things." "Young men at a certain time of life." "" " Not so certain." "Never has been certain." "" " Becoming obsessed by older women." "I wouldn't say obsessed." "I suppose it's 'cause I've got a big bust?" "Things are never what they seem, Granville." "My bosom may look all right when it's all trussed up." "But if you was ever there when I let it all loose, lad, it'd scare you to death!" "I owe Mrs Whittington a better loaf." "Sorry!" "What have you done?" "Have you twisted your knee?" "Not exactly, no!" "What's this bike doing?" "Do you have to leave it here?" "" " Can't you find another place for it?" "" " I just did!" "It's better off where it is." "Take this bike out before somebody breaks their neck." "Neck?" "That's the last thing to worry about, is your neck." "Go on, get it out." "Go on." "Ow!" "" " Oh, dear." "I don't know." "" " Pack it in!" "I may have to!" "Now, you luscious m--medical person." "Wh--What can we talk about till I get me breath back?" "" " Your squeak's completely gone." "" " Oh." "I was hoping it was only bruised!" "Come on, come on, get in there." "Can't you see we three want to be alone?" "" " I'm not sure I want to be alone." "" " Course you do, my love." "" " We must s--snatch every moment we can." "" " You snatched enough last night." "You were very amiable under the influence of the Cyprus sherry!" "I've never seen stuff like it for making your buttons come undone!" "It's amazing what you can find under the National Health!" "" " Shall we have another look?" "" " Stop it!" "Keep your voice down!" "You'll embarrass Granville." "He's all right!" "Granville is getting ready for a trip on the reconditioned shop bike." "Who is?" "You'll never get me on that shop bike again." "All right." "I'll go meself." "I might even take in Atkinson Terrace." "Remember Atkinson Terrace?" "Where the late Mr Featherstone used to get his...used to visit twice a week?" "The late Mr Featherstone visited Atkinson Terrace?" "Yes." "Mind you, he was never the late Mr Featherstone there!" "" " What number Atkinson Terrace?" "" " Atkinson Terrace?" "Is that an echo?" "Oh!" "The Atkinson Terrace I'm thinking about?" "Well, I must go." "I've got three open wounds and something septic to see to." "Ooh!" "Sounds like the Labour Party conference!" "What about Atkinson Terrace?" "Er..." "Yes, well, m--my friends and I were wondering just how far one could get on the new reconditioned shop bicycle." "G--Granville, fetch my hat." "M--My sceptical friend there and my septic friend here decided that you couldn't reach Atkinson Terrace, but I'm going to prove them wrong." "" " That old bike?" "Why not get him a new one?" "" " No, it's the h--overheads." "" " Thank you." "" " Why do you want your hat?" "You can never be seen without a hat in Atkinson Terrace." "Trousers, possibly!" "Just a minute!" "Before you go I'd like to know just what you were discussing about Atkinson Terrace." "What number Atkinson Terrace would that be, Mrs Featherstone?" "" " Never you mind what number that might be." "" " Granville, are you coming to see this?" "Aye, coming!" "What are you doing right up there?" "I'm g--going to start on l--level ground." "I'll sh--show you who can reach Atkinson Terrace!" "See?" "No squeak." "" " Your front wheel looks loose." "" " Rubbish!" "(CLATTERING)" "That walk..." "It does remind me of Atkinson Terrace!" "I'll be all right wh--when I get me wind back." "Where does it hurt?" "As if I didn't know!" "It's the h--h--overheads, you know!" "What a day!" "You can't carry on like that without having your rates reduced!" "I must say, Mrs Featherstone looked very striking in black." "I wonder if Nurse Gladys will go into black underwear when her mother dies." "I would certainly try to talk her out of it!" "Lord, let Mrs Gillespie come in for her bread, and keep our Granville away from Atkinson Terrace." "What number?" "I don't know the number!"