"THE INTERNET AND IS INTENDED FOR" "A MATURE AUDIENCE." "COMEDY CENTRAL DOES NOT CONDONE" "THE ACTIVITIES PERFORMED AND" "DISCOURAGES ANYONE FROM" "ATTEMPTING THEM." "ENJOY." "OH,[ bleep]!" "THEREWASNO DOUBLELINE." "SO THAT ONE'S ON THE CITY." "WELCOME TO TOSH.0." "TO ALL OUR DRONES FIGHTING" "OVERSEAS, COME HOME SAFE." "ALL RIGHT, LET'S BILLBOARD THE" "SHOW." "TONIGHT..." "I GET SWOLL WITH THESE BOYS..." "I VOW TO KEEP PLAYING "IS IT" "RACIST?" UNTIL RACISM" "IS ERADICATED FROM THIS WORLD" "FOREVER..." "AND, INSTEAD OF JUST MARCHING" "ABOUT CLIMATE CHANGE," "MY FANS ACTUALLY CAUSE IT." "OKAY, HIS FIRST MISTAKE WAS" "OVERCORRECTING ON THAT SLIDE." "HIS SECOND MISTAKE WAS BEING AN" "ADULT ON A BIG WHEEL." "NOW HE'LL BE DRIFTING IN AND OUT" "OF A COMA FOR A FEW WEEKS." "HIS IMMATURE LIFE JUST FLASHED" "BEFORE HIS EYES." "I ALSO GOT IN A BIG WHEEL" "ACCIDENT THIS WEEK," "OVER THERE ON RAINBOW ROAD." "HEREWEGO !" "pop!" "DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE DAMAGE." "MY BROTHER OWNS A BODY SHOP." "HE GONNA FIX IT." "OH!" "TONY STEWART, YOU KILLED MARIO!" "TONY STEWART DIDN'T KILL ME." "IT JUST TURNED ME" "INTO SMALL MARIO." "ALL RIGHT, THIS NEXT HEIST MUST" "HAVE TAKEN MINUTES TO PLAN." "DOOT-DA-DO." "JUST BROWSING THE ART UNAWARE OF" "SECURITY CAMERAS IN 2014." "GUESS HE OVERESTIMATED THE SIZE" "OF HIS HOODIE." "AMERICAN APPAREL DOES RUN PRETTY" "SMALL." "NO, NO NO, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO" "CUT IT OUT OF THE FRAME," "ROLL IT UP, THEN HANG A DECOY" "PIECE TO OFFSET THE WEIGHTED" "SENSORS!" "YOU'D THINK A GUY SMART ENOUGH" "TO GET PAST THE INVISIBLE" "LASERS WOULD KNOW THIS." "JUST LIKE HE DREW IT UP." "NOW OFF TO [bleep] RENE RUSSO." "OKAY, TIME TO OUT SOME GUY IN" "MISSISSIPPI." "YOU DO NOT HAVE TO FRAME EVERY" "SINGLE PICTURE YOU TAKE." "MUST'VE HAD A SALE OVER THERE AT" "AARON BROTHERS." "WHO HANGS PICTURES ON THEIR" "DOOR?" "THERE'S A FRAMED PHOTO OF" "EVERYONE IN HIS LIFE" "HE'S EMBARRASSING RIGHT NOW." "DID YOU SEE THAT, NOT ONE FAT" "JOKE ABOUT THAT FAT ASS!" "YOU KNOW WHY?" "BECAUSE THAT GUY KEPT DANCING," "LOST OVER 200 POUNDS, MOVED TO" "HOLLYWOOD TO HOST HIS OWN SHOW." "THAT'S RIGHT, THAT WAS ME." "IF ANYBODY OUT THERE'S A 9 XL," "SEND ME A SELF-ADDRESSED STAMPED" "ENVELOPE, AND I'LL MAIL YOU" "MY THONG." "IT HAS NOT BEEN WASHED." "NOW, THESE THINGS WILL HAPPEN" "WHEN YOU DON'T YELL "TIMBER."" "[men speaking foreign language]" "CATCH THE LOG, DAMN IT!" "HE'S ON MY FANTASY RUSSIAN" "LOG-CATCHING TEAM." "THEY DON'T HAVE AMBIEN OVER" "THERE." "WAS HE TRYING TO CATCH IT WITH" "HIS MOUTH?" "IT'S NOT A GRAPE." "SERIOUSLY, UKRAINE, YOU CAN'T" "STOP THESE GUYS?" "MOVING ON." "NO ONE LIKES TO WAIT IN LINE FOR" "A SLICE OF PIZZA." "THAT'S WHY YOU SHOULD ALWAYS" "CARRY PEPPER SPRAY." "[all shouting indistinctly]" "JUST BE THANKFUL IT'S NOT SEAN" "JOHN COLOGNE." "THAT STUFF IS REALLY PUNGENT." "SHEGOTMACED." "[all shouting indistinctly]" "OKAY,I 'MPRETTYSUREYOU" "DON'T HAVE TO SHAKE IT THAT" "MUCH, IT'S NOT VINAIGRETTE," "DIP[bleep]." "MAYBE HE WANTS TO PUNISH THEM" "FOR EATING EMPTY CARBS" "AFTER 10:00 P.M." "GOOD LUCK GETTING THOSE CHEAP" "GLUTTONOUS [bleep] OVER AT" "CICI'S TO BUDGE." "[coughing]" "PAID$ 4." "IT'S GONNA TAKE A LOT MORE" "THAN TEAR GAS TO GET ME" "OUT OF HERE." "WHERE'STHEMACAND CHEESE" "PIZZA?" "IHATEOLIVES." "JUSTA LITTLEGOOD-NATURED" "RIBBING, CICI'S, WE KNOW YOU" "GUYS SERVE THE MOST AUTHENTIC" "ITALIAN CUISINE IN THE U.S." "ALL RIGHT, NOW WHAT?" "[horn honking] [brakes squeak]" "AMIGO." "WHOA." "AMIGO." "JESUS CHRIST." "[laughs]" "OOH,I 'MGUESSINGHE DOESN'T" "WANT TO GIVE YOU SOME" "RECOMMENDATIONS FOR A LOCAL" "EATERY." "NOW LET'S SEE WHY EVERY" "TRAVEL GUIDE SHOULD JUST SAY" ""STAY AT HOME" IN THIS WEEK'S" "BREAKDOWN." "I CAN SEE WHY YOU SHELLED OUT" "THE MONEY FOR A TRIP TO" "THIS BREATHTAKING PLACE." "NOTHING SAYS "SAFE AND SECURE"" "MORE THAN EVERY SINGLE" "WINDOW BEING BOARDED UP LIKE" "THEY'RE EXPECTING A CATEGORY 5" "HURRICANE." "SHOCKING THAT THE TOURIST ON A" "MINT GREEN RENTAL BIKE WITH A" "GOPRO TAPED TO HIS HEAD DIDN'T" "BLEND IN." "[speakingforeignlanguage]" "AMIGO." "AMIGO." "AMIGO." "AMIGO." "AMIGO." "AMIGO." "[speakingforeignlanguage]" "NOONESHOULDEVERGOTO" "SOUTH AMERICA FOR ANY REASON." "I'VE SEEN VICE." "[speakingforeignlanguage]" "WHATISHE ASKINGFOR ?" "HORCHATA?" "POINTING A GUN AT SOMEONE IS THE" "UNIVERSAL LANGUAGE FOR "GIVE ME" "ALL YOUR [bleep] OR DIE."" "[speakingforeignlanguage]" "AMIGO." "AMIGO." "AMIGO." "AMIGO." "AMIGO." "AMIGO." "[speakingforeignlanguage]" "I'DSHOOTHIMINTHEFACE" "JUST TO MAKE HIM STOP SAYING" ""AMIGO."" "DID YOU EVEN OPEN YOUR COPY" "OF ROSETTA STONE?" ""MOCHILA" MEANS "BACKPACK."" "ATTENTION, THIEVES ABROAD." "WE ARE FAR TOO LAZY" "TO LEARN YOUR DUMB LANGUAGES." "EITHER SPEAK AMERICAN OR" "BRUSH UP ON YOUR CHARADES." "TAKE THE SHOT." "THAT STUPID GRINGO IS GETTING" "AWAY." "SORRY, I GOT CONFUSED WHO TO" "ROOT FOR." "LOOK AT HIS SCARF." "THIS GUY MUST HAVE JUST" "ROBBED SOMEONE EXTREMELY" "FASHIONABLE." ""I'M RUNNING FOR MY LIFE." "BUT FIRST," "LET ME TAKE A SELFIE."" "OH, GREAT, YOU FINALLY FOUND A" "CORRUPT CROSSING GUARD." "UNLESS HE HALTS TRAFFIC ALL THE" "WAY BACK TO THE STATES," "YOU NEED TO KEEP RUNNING." "BUT WHAT WAS IN THE BACKPACK?" "WE'LL NEVER KNOW." "COULD BE MORE TO THIS STORY." "IN THE MEANTIME, OBAMA," "MARK THIS GODFORSAKEN" "VILLAGE FOR AN AIR STRIKE, AND" "FOR THAT, WE THANK YOU." "WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, BUT" "FIRST..." "YOU FELL OVER," "YOU FELL OVER." "KEEPSUCKING,TEAMS." "CHUG!" "CHUG!" "CHUG!" "CHUG!" "CHUG!" "CHUG!" "OH, MY GOD!" "OH, NO!" "OH, NO!" "YOU FELL OVER!" "YOU FELL OVER!" "YOU FELL OVER!" "[laughter]" "ITHINKI'MDYING." "CRAIG." "YEAH, WAY TO GO." "THEONLYTHINGWORSETHAN" "LIFTING WITH YOUR BACK" "IS SPOTTING WITH YOUR KNEES." "DO YOU REALLY NEED A SPOTTER?" "YOU CAN EITHER BENCH IT," "OR YOU CAN'T." "I PREFER NOT TO HAVE SOMEONE" "TEABAGGING ME, GETTING ME ALL" "HORNY WHILE I LIFT, BRO." "THAT WAS ZACK AND CRAIG, AND" "WHILE THE INTERNATIONAL" "WEIGHTLIFTING FEDERATION" "MIGHT NOT HAVE CONSIDERED" "THAT A GOOD LIFT, IT LOOKED" "PERFECT TO ME." "A SHREDDED BODY IS THE ONLY WAY" "TO DISTRACT WOMEN FROM YOUR" "SUB PAR PERSONALITY IF YOU" "DON'T HAVE MONEY." "PUMPING IRON IS FOR CONVICTED" "FELONS OR PRO ATHLETES, WHICH" "IS A BIT REDUNDANT THESE DAYS." "I'M HAPPY HAVING THE PHYSIQUE OF" "A FERRET." "MY STRATEGY HAS ALWAYS BEEN ZERO" "WEIGHT AND NO REPS." "I DON'T HAVE THE FRAME FOR" "WEIGHTLIFTING." "WHICH IS A POLITE WAY" "OF SAYING I'M OVER 5'8"." "WHY WOULD I WASTE MY LIFE" "REPEATEDLY PICKING" "UP HEAVY THINGS AT A GYM?" "YOU ONLY NEED TO BE STRONG" "ENOUGH TO OPEN A JAR." "EVERYTHING AFTER THAT IS" "SHOWING OFF." "IF YOU LIKE GETTING STAPH" "INFECTIONS AND LOOKING" "AT YOURSELF IN A MIRROR SO MUCH," "MOVE INTO A FUNHOUSE." "AND THAT GOES DOUBLE FOR YOU" "LADIES." "THERE'S A FINE LINE BETWEEN" "JESSICA ALBA AND" "JESSICA BIEL." "IF I THINK YOU COULD BEAT ME UP," "I AM NOT LETTING YOU IN MY" "HOUSE." "BUT IF ZACH AND CRAIG WANT TO" "GET JACKED, I'LL FLY THEM" "TO HOLLYWOOD, WHERE PEOPLE" "WHO WORK OUT TOO MUCH END UP" "IN AN EXPENDABLES MOVIE, FOR" "THIS WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION." "HEY,BABY." "HEY." "CANYOUSETMEUP?" "HAPPYTO." "OH!" "[bleep] YEAH!" "ALL RIGHT." "I'M GONNA TRY TO HIT THE GYM ON" "THE WAY TO THE GYM." "YOU'LLNEVERGETAGIRL LIKE" "THAT WITH THOSE SISSY LITTLE" "ARMS." "HERE, HAVE A SEAT." "OH, [bleep]." "WHAT'S YOUR NAME?" "ZACK." "YOU'REZACK,ANDYOU 'RE" "CRAIG?" "YEP,THAT'SCORRECT." "CRAIG,OKAY,WHATWAS GOING" "ON DOWN IN YOUR BASEMENT?" "WE WERE WATCHING THE WINTER" "OLYMPICS DOWN IN MY BASEMENT." "DIDYOUENJOYTHE WINTER" "OLYMPICS?" "THEYWEREPRETTYGOOD." "WHATWOULDBE YOURBEST" "WINTER OLYMPIC SPORT, CRAIG?" "IGOTTO SAYWEIGHTLIFTING." "WEIGHTLIFTING'SNOTAWINTER" "OLYMPIC SPORT, CRAIG." "YOU'RE DUMB AS [bleep]." "ZACK." "YES." "WHATWOULDBE YOURBEST" "WINTER SPORT?" "SEE,I DOSWIMMING,SO..." "OKAY,ZACK,IF YOUHAD TO" "COMPETE IN THE WINTER OLYMPICS," "WHICH EVENT WOULD YOU GO FOR?" "BOBSLEDDING?" "OH,YOUGUYSWOULDDOTHAT" "TWO-MAN SKELETON LUGE THING" "WHERE YOU LAY ON TOP OF EACH" "OTHER." "OH, THAT'S HOT." "SO YOU'RE DOWN IN YOUR BASEMENT." "YOU GUYS SAY, "WE'RE GONNA" "START TRAINING."" "HOW'D THAT GO?" "CRAIGWAS--HEWASKINDOF" "LIKE MY PERSONAL TRAINER," "SO I WENT OVER TO THE WEIGHT" "BAR." "YOUDOINGCURLS?" "IDON'TEVENKNOWIFIT" "CLEANANDJERK?" "THAT'STHEONE." "OKAY,SOYOUGUYSHAVE NO" "EXPERIENCE AT ALL WORKING OUT." "NO,NOTREALLY." "THAT'S--THESEAREMY KIND" "OF PEOPLE." "BASICALLY,ZACKOVERHERE," "YOU KNOW" "CRAIG'SA TOUCHER." "ZACKOVERHERE,YOU KNOW," "GRABS THE BARBELL, PICKS IT UP," "AND JUST PRETTY MUCH FALLS OVER." "THAT'SWHYYOUNEEDA" "SPOTTER, ALWAYS NEED A SPOTTER." "YEAH,SOTHAT'SWHATIWAS" "THERE FOR." "WELL,YOUDIDN'TSPOTHIM." "YOU DID A POOR JOB." "YOUREALLYDIDN'TSPOTME" "AT ALL." "SOI SEEMY BUDDYOVERTHERE" "LAYING--HAVING A HARD TIME" "BREATHING, SO I WAS LIKE, "I GOT" "TO SAVE THIS KID'S LIFE."" "YOUHADTHATADRENALINE" "PUMPING THROUGH YOUR VEINS," "BECAUSE YOU SEE YOUR FRIEND" "ABOUT TO DIE." "OH,YEAH,SO IRUN OVER" "THERE, DO MY CLEAN JERK," "AND THEN IT WAS ABOVE MY HEAD" "AND I JUST--JUST KEPT GOING" "BACK." "HE WAS TOO SLOW WAS THE PROBLEM." "HISGIRLFRIENDWASTHERE." "HE WAS JUST TRYING TO SHOW OFF." "GIRLFRIEND?" "AH, YOU DON'T WANT THEM IN" "THE BASEMENT." "DUDES ONLY." "THAT'S A MAN CAVE." "DID YOU HAVE TO GO TO THE" "HOSPITAL?" "WEJUSTICEDIT." "THEYACTUALLYCARRIEDMETO" "THE HOT TUB." "OKAY,SOYOUWENTICE, THEN" "HOT TUB." "ICYHOT,RIGHT?" "YOUGOCOLDAND YOU GOHOT," "AND YOU DO INCREMENTS OF THAT." "15 MINUTES, I THINK YOU'RE DONE." "WHAT'S A MEMBERSHIP TO CRAIG'S" "BASEMENT COST?" "ASIX-PACK." "WEREYOUGUYSDRUNK?" "DEFINEDRUNK." "HADYOUGUYSBEENDRINKING" "ALCOHOL?" "WEHADDRANKAFEWBEERS ," "YEAH." "IFEELUNCOMFORTABLE" "ANSWERING THAT QUESTION." "BECAUSEOFYOURAGE ?" "MAY--POSSIBLY." "LISTEN,WHENYOU'REWITHME," "I'M ALL FOR BOYS DRINKING." "I'LL BE HONEST WITH YOU, A FEW" "BEERS IN YOUR SYSTEM PROBABLY" "SAVED YOU, RELAXED YOU A LITTLE" "BIT." "THAT'SWHATWE WERESAYING," "WHEN PEOPLE CRASH AND THEY'RE," "YOU KNOW, DRUNK OR WHATEVER," "THEY'RE LESS LIKELY TO GET" "INJURED." "THEPROBLEMIS THEFAMILY" "OF FOUR THAT THEY PLOWED INTO" "WEREN'T--THEY WEREN'T DRUNK." "YOU GOT TO STAY HYDRATED, BOYS." "YOU GOT TO STAY HYDRATED, BOYS." "WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE?" "HARRYPOTTER." "HARRYPOTTER." "WHATISHAPPENINGHERE?" "YOUDON'TLIKEHARRYPOTTER?" "[inBritishaccent]YOU DON 'T" "LIKE HARRY POTTER?" "YOUGUYSJUSTINPRETEND" "WORLD?" "NO,I 'MACTUALLYAT HOGWARTS." "WOULDYOUDO STEROIDS?" "IFITWORKED." "STEROIDSWORKS." "IT CLEARLY WORKS." "YOURBALLSSHRINK." "WHYDOYOUWANTBIGBALLS ?" "YOU WANT TO BE THE DUDE THAT'S" "KNOWN AS THE GUY WITH HUGE" "BALLS?" "WHAT DO YOU DO IN GYM?" "GIVE ME YOUR ROUTINE." "IRUN." "CARDIOISFORTHOSE" "INSTAGRAMMIN' PUSSIES IN" "CROSSFIT." "WHAT'S THE NEXT THING YOU DO?" "IUSUALLYDO THEBUTTERFLIES." "OKAY,SOYOUHAVENOREAL" "WORKOUT." "YOU GUYS ON A GOOD DIET?" "YEAH." "WHATDOYOUEAT ?" "SUBS." "YOU'REONTHEJAREDDIET ." "BUTJIMMYJOHN'S." "JIMMYJOHN'S." "WHEN I ORDER MY JIMMY JOHN'S" "SUB, I SAY, "LEAVE THE GUTS."" "YOU SAY "LEAVE THE GUTS"?" "NO." "LEAVETHE--LEAVETHEBREAD." "IT'SCALLEDGUTS." "ALL THIS TALK'S GOT ME HUNGRY." "YOU GUYS LIKE TUNA." "OH,YEAH." "ILOVETUNA." "LOTSOFPROTEIN." "LOTS OF PROTEIN." "OH,YEAH." "OH,THAT'SGOOD." "MM." "WHOO!" "YOU KNOW HOW YOU KNOW WHEN" "TUNA'S BAD?" "YOU DON'T." "GUYS, THE ONLY REASON I WORK AT" "GNC IS BECAUSE THEY LET ME STAY" "IN THE BASEMENT FOR FREE." "BUT SOON I'M GONNA BE OUT OF" "HERE, BECAUSE I'VE INVENTED" "A WORKOUT THAT FOCUSES ON THE" "MILLIONS OF MYSTERY MUSCLES" "THAT HAVE BEEN IGNORED." "IWOULDLOVETOTRYTHAT." "WELL,LET'SHEADON" "DOWNSTAIRS, AND LET'S GET" "A QUICK PUMP IN ME." "WHAT?" "ITHINKIGOT SOMEMORE" "WORKOUT GEAR THAT'LL FIT YOUR" "SCRAWNY ASSES." "IF ANYONE HAS TO PEE, YOU LET ME" "KNOW FIRST, OKAY?" "ALLRIGHT." "YOUNANCYBOYSLOOKGREAT," "AND I AM ROCK HARD." "WHO'S READY TO GET HUGE?" "LET'SDOIT ." "OKAY,LET'SOILYOU KIDSUP," "GET YOU NICE, THICK, AND VEINY." "THERE YOU GO." "GO AHEAD." "NOW OIL EACH OTHER UP." "THAT WAY YOU MAKE SURE YOU GET" "EVEN COVERAGE." "GO AHEAD AND GET EACH OTHER'S" "BACKS." "OH,YEAH." "THEREYOUGO ." "JUSTGRABBINGAFEW BEFORE" "PICS TO TAPE TO MY WALL LATER." "IN THE BASEMENT, EVERYTHING" "GOES." "NO STUPID GYM RULES." "YOU DON'T NEED TO WIPE ANYTHING" "DOWN." "I'D LIKE TO SMELL YOU GUYS" "WHEN YOU'RE GOING." "REMEMBER, BAD FORM USES" "MORE MUSCLES." "THAT IS HORRIBLE FORM." "NOTHING'S SEXIER THAN A MAN" "WITH A STRONG JAW." "I'VE SAID IT A MILLION TIMES." "SUCK IT UP OR SUCK A [bleep]." "THOSE ARE THE RULES." "ALL RIGHT, THREE MORE SETS." "THIS ONE WORKS THE NECK BONE," "WHICH WE ALL KNOW IS CONNECTED" "TO THE HEAD BONE." "YOU CHILDREN LIKE HEAD?" "PUSH IT." "PUSH IT REAL GOOD." "THIS ONE CAME TO ME IN A DREAM." "WHY DO I DREAM ABOUT BOYS?" "THAT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS." "MM, GET ENGORGED." "OH, MAN." "THAT IS HOT." "AT A GYM, YOU HAVE TO WAIT" "WHEN SOMEONE'S USING" "THE EQUIPMENT." "NOT DOWN HERE." "ALL RIGHT, BOYS, YOU READY?" "LET THE ELECTRICITY DO THE WORK" "FOR YOU." "COME ON, FEEL IT, FEEL IT." "FEEL THE VIBRATION." "AH!" "NOW,ASMUCHASI LOVE THIS" "VIEW, HOTTIES, IT'S TIME FOR US" "TO BURN IT OUT." "GRAB YOURSELF AN AXE AND" "A BLINDFOLD." "THIS IS THE ONE THAT'LL GET" "YOU KICKED OUT OF THOSE FANCY" "GYMS." "I NEED YOU TO KEEP YOUR FEET" "TOGETHER." "THAT'LL IMPROVE AXE SPEED." "I CALL THIS EXERCISE:" "HIT THE LOAD-BEARING POST WITH" "AN AXE." "OH, OKAY." "YOU WANT TO HOLD ONTO IT" "A LITTLE TIGHTER." "THAT'S ALL RIGHT, TAKE A SECOND." "HERE WE GO." "LET ME GET THAT BACK IN YOUR" "HAND." "COME BACK THIS WAY." "WATCH YOURSELF, DON'T LEAN INTO" "THAT AXE." "THERE WE GO." "OKAY, DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT." "WHOA, DON'T LEAD FORWARD." "YOU'LL LOSE YOUR HEAD." "YOU GUYS ARE GONNA HAVE SORES" "TOMORROW." "[bleep]." "YOUTHINKIT HURTSNOW ." "WAIT TILL DAY TWO." "THAT'S WHEN YOU'RE REALLY SORE." "CAREFUL." "GOOD KIDS." "I HOPE WE STAY IN TOUCH." "WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, BUT FIRST," "I THINK THE ALIGNMENT'S OFF" "ON YOUR RAZOR SCOOTER." "LET'SBEHONEST." "PROBABLY THE THING I WOULD DO" "I WOULD LEAVE IT THERE FOR" "WITH A TUB ON TOP OF IT." "I'M NOT PICKING THAT HUGE" "THING UP." "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?" "ITWOULDFITINTHEPALM" "OF YOUR HAND." "I MEAN, THAT IS" "NO,ITWOULDN'T,'CAUSEI'M" "NOT PICKING IT UP." "I'MSUREAFRICAIS" "A BEAUTIFUL PLACE, BUT THE WORST" "CREATURES COME OUT OF THERE." "I'M JUST SAYING." "WHAT'SCOMINGUP IN SPORTS?" "AWKWARD." "BUT DID IT CROSS THE LINE INTO" "HATE SPEECH?" "LET'S FIND OUT IN A SPIRITED" "GAME OF... all:" "ISIT RACIST?" "SURE," CREATURES"ISN'TTHE" "SMARTEST THING TO SAY AFTER" "HEARING TRIGGER WORDS LIKE" ""AFRICA" AND "DISGUSTING."" "BUT LET'S NOT PRETEND AFRICA" "ISN'T CRAWLING WITH MILLIONS OF" "DANGEROUS MONSTERS:" "LIONS, ELEPHANTS, WILDEBEESTS," "CHARLIZE THERON," "GIRAFFES." "KEEP IN MIND WE ONLY SAW" "A SHORT CLIP." "LET'S WATCH A LITTLE MORE OF" "THAT NEWSCAST AND SEE IF ANY" "OF HIS COLLEAGUES HELPED HIM" "DIG HIS WAY OUT OF THAT" "BLACK HOLE." "ITWOULDFITINTHEPALM" "OF YOUR HAND." "I MEAN, THAT" "NO,ITWOULDN'T,'CAUSEI'M" "NOT PICKING IT UP." "I'MSUREAFRICAIS" "A BEAUTIFUL PLACE, BUT THE WORST" "CREATURES COME OUT OF THERE." "I'M JUST SAYING." "[laughs]" "AH,IT'SQUITEDARK" "IN AFRICA RIGHT NOW," "AS LOCAL TIME IS NEARING 9:00 P.M." "DO WE HAVE A--YES, WE DO HAVE" "A MAP OF AFRICA." "I WAS UNAWARE THAT EGYPT WAS" "A PART OF AFRICA." "ALWAYS THOUGHT OF THEM AS WHITE." "WELL, YOU KNOW, NOT WHITE." "JUST NOT BLACK-BLACK." "I DON'T KNOW WHY THAT PLACE" "IS NAMED CHAD." "THAT'S A WHITE PERSON'S NAME." "WHY DIDN'T THEY NAME IT CLYDE?" "NOW, THAT'S A OLD BLACK MAN'S" "NAME." "USED TO BE A SHOE-SHINE." "REAL RELIGIOUS." "ALL RIGHT, LET'S MOVE ON." "IT LOOKS LIKE WE'VE GOT" "A LOT OF AIDS MOVING IN HERE," "AND WHEN THAT HITS OUR EBOLA" "SYSTEM, IT IS GONNA FORM" "A SUPER STORM OF EBOL-AIDS." "YES, EBOL-AIDS." "[laughs]" "ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO TO TRAFFIC." "HERE'S OUR VERY OWN MISS SAIGON," "SONYA KOGIYOTO," "KEEPING TABS ON THE VIET CONG" "FOR US FROM CHOPPER 4." "SONYA, HOW MANY WRECKS" "ARE THERE?" "HOW MANY DID YOU CAUSE?" "WELL, I THINK THAT ANSWERS" "OUR QUESTION." "THAT WHOLE NEWS CREW IS" "DEFINITELY RACIST." "SHAME ON YOU, NEWS 2 IN" "CHARLESTON, SOUTH CAROLINA." "SHAME!" "SHAME, SHAME, SHAME." "AND THAT'S HOW YOU PLAY... all:" "ISIT RACIST?" "NOW,HERE'STHISWEEK'S" "VIEWER VIDEO." "[chanting]JERK,JERK... [chanting]JERK,JERK... [chanting]JERK,JERK... [chanting]JERK,JERK... [chanting]JERK,JERK... [chanting]JERK,JERK... [chanting]JERK,JERK... [chanting]JERK,JERK... [chanting]JERK,JERK... [chanting]JERK,JERK... [chanting]JERK,JERK..." "IWISHICOULDHAVE SHOWNYOU" "GUYS THE WHOLE VIDEO." "THERE WERE 17 MORE MINUTES" "OF JUST THAT." "[humming]" "WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE" "OF THE WORLD'S SEXIEST RIVERS." "WELCOMEBACKTO THEONLYTV" "SHOW THAT BELIEVES EVERY MONTH" "SHOULD HAVE 30 DAYS." "NO MORE OF THIS 31 CRAP, I SAY." "NOW, THE ONLY FAMILY-FRIENDLY" "EPISODE I'LL EVER DO IS COMING" "UP NEXT WEEK, AND I REDEEM" "THIS BUMMED OUT BROTHER-TO-BE." "IT'SA GIRL!" "[laughs]" "IT'SA GIRL!" "IT'S A GIRL." "I DON'T WANT ANOTHER GIRL!" "I HATE THAT." "I DON'T WANT ANOTHER GIRL." "CASEY,AREYOUHAPPY?" "YEAH!" "HARPER,AREYOUHAPPY?" "YEAH." "GUNNER,AREYOUHAPPY?" "NO!" "IT'S STUPID!" "[crying]" "THERE'SNOPLACEINSOCIETY" "FOR A WOMAN HATER LIKE THAT." "I TEASE." "LOTS MORE WHOLESOME LAUGHS LIKE" "THAT NEXT WEEK." "OH, BOY." "ALL RIGHT, LET'S START THE" "FREE PLUG PARTY." "FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER, WHERE I'M" "TOLD I DO MY BEST WORK." "CHECK OUT OUR BLOG WHERE WE WILL" "BE WAIVING THE FEE TO LOOK" "AT POSTS THIS WEEK ONLY." "BRICKLEBERRY'S UP NEXT," "THE ONLY ANIMATED SHOW THAT'S" "DRAWN LIVE AS THE LINES" "ARE SAID." "DON'T BLOW YOUR CHANCE TO SEE ME" "DO STANDUP." "YOU ONLY HAVE TWO MORE WEEKS TO" "SEE ANDREW RANNELLS IN" "HEDWIG AND THE ANGRY INCH" "ON BROADWAY." "FREE BILL SIMMONS FROM THOSE" "BULLIES OVER AT ESPN." "IN BED WITH THE NFL" "IT'S DISTURBING." "AND FINALLY, LAST WEEK, I ASKED" "YOU TO MAKE YOUR OWN OFFICE" "TORNADO VIDEOS, AND I'M PROUD" "TO ANNOUNCE YOU GUYS CAUSED" "MILLIONS OF DOLLARS IN" "PROPERTY DAMAGE." "BEDROOMTORNADO!" "BEDROOM TORNADO!" "BEDROOM TORNADO!" "IT'SA TORNADOIN MY OFFICE!" "BEDROOMTORNADO!" "WHOOSH!" "TORNADOS." "[laughs]" "RIGHT,SOHOWDOYOUFEEL?" "HOW DO YOU FEEL?" "ITDOESN'TAFFECTME." "THIS IS YOUR ROOM." "YEAH,PROBABLY!" "TEXT" BLOWHARD"TO DONATE" "$10 TO VICTIMS OF" "THESE OFFICE TORNADOES." "OKAY, I FEEL LIKE ENDING" "THE SHOW" "RIGHT NOW." "WEGETYOUONE ROOMORTWO?" "ONEBED." "[laughter]" "THAT'SWHATILIKETOHEAR." "OH,YEAH." "SAVESOMEMONEY."