"Previously on Masters of Sex..." "VIRGINIA:" "I insinuated my way in with you easily enough." "WILLIAM:" "You're forgetting that I picked you for this job." "VIRGINIA:" "If that's what you need to tell yourself." "LIBBY:" "Here he is, this brilliant doctor, stuck with a barren wife." "ETHAN:" "There is no way the great Bill Masters is going to admit he's shooting blanks." "WILLIAM:" "My wife is coming in next week." "We've decided she'll join my cervical-cap trial." "I've just returned from Provost Scully's office." "He shut down my study as of this morning." "You jeopardized the study." "As a result, you're fired." "I expect you to sit at your desk until your replacement is hired." "BETTY:" "The doc here will demonstrate all of his...tricks." "VIRGINIA:" "People are clueless about sex." "And you ladies, you're the experts." "WILLIAM:" "What is she doing here?" "BETTY:" "Saving your bacon." "WILLIAM:" "Why would you want to reverse your tubal ligation?" "BETTY:" "I don't know, genius." "To have kids?" "WILLIAM:" "But why on God's earth would you want to have kids?" "You're a lesbian and a prostitute." "BETTY:" "A little respect." "VIRGINIA:" "Can we speak honestly about what's really going on here?" "You need me in the study." "So, am I rehired?" "Yes or no?" "WILLIAM:" "You have a job tomorrow." "Beyond that..." "I really can't tell the future." "WILLIAM:" "Sylvilagus floridanus." "Eastern cottontail." "The frisky one is Romeo, the buck." "See the way he swats her with his paws?" "A courtship ritual." "If the doe is amenable, she, uh, she offers herself by lifting up her tail, like so..." "The buck mounting from behind." "See, he grips her by the neck with his teeth so she can't escape." "[ Cage rattling ]" "Now, I-I spent two months trying to coax the female into ovulation with no success." "Turns out the female has no estrus cycle." "She spontaneously ovulates when mounted by the male." "BARTON:" "I'll never look at Margaret's furs the same way again." "[ Rattling stops ]" " Is he dead?" " WILLIAM:" "No." "Sleeping it off." "The male passes out at the moment of climax." "BARTON:" "The buck stops here." "WILLIAM:" "Gestation lasts a month." "She can birth four to six kits and be ready for another affaire de coeur within 72 hours." "BARTON:" "That's...very edifying." "WILLIAM:" "And simple, really..." "Well, for rabbits." "It's more complex when you move up the evolutionary chain." "BARTON:" "If you're thinking of mating rhesus monkeys down here, you'd better clear it with Dean Gladstone." "WILLIAM:" "You know, humans have taken the basic impulse for sex and turned it into some unrecognizable ordeal... romance, chivalry, codes of etiquette, which necktie should I be wearing, should I say goodnight at the curb" "or walk her to the door?" "What if we could just cut through the maze to the essentials?" "What if we could understand the basic physiology underneath all that nonsense?" "BARTON:" "Are things not going well with Caroline?" "WILLIAM:" "[ Sighs ]" "Caroline went back to Tennessee." "I haven't spoken to her in a month." "I want to study humans..." "Human sexuality." " It's never been done." " BARTON:" "For good reason." "WILLIAM:" "When they asked George Mallory why'd he climb Everest, remember what he said?" "BARTON:" "Mount Everest doesn't ejaculate, Bill." "WILLIAM: [ Sighs ] The real truth, Barton, is..." "[Laughs] I don't know anything about sex." "And you don't, either." "But wouldn't you like to know?" "I mean, wouldn't everyone like to know some answers?" "Wouldn't we all be so much better off if we could shine a light into the darkness?" "BETH:" "The wedding is in May." "It's at St. Alben's." "WILLIAM:" "Deep breath." "BETH:" "[ Breathes deeply ]" "[ Clears throat ]" "I'm thinking I should lose six pounds." "Don't you think I'd look better in my dress if I lost six pounds?" "WILLIAM:" "I don't." "You're the picture of good health." "Should we discuss why you're really here?" "Have you become sexually active?" "BETH:" "Oh, God, no." "It's just..." "If we were to... consummate the marriage..." "WILLIAM:" "I hope you will." "BETH:" "[ Chuckles nervously ]" "Um..." "I have three semesters left at Maryville, a-and, well, with... with Willard's salary at the bank..." "WILLIAM:" "The ancient Inuits had a system for family planning." "They used to toss unwanted children into the arctic sea." "Modern birth control is nothing to be ashamed of." "Do you know how to apply a condom?" "BETH:" "Oh!" "Um..." "Uh." "Oh." "I'm...not sure I could..." "WILLIAM:" "There are other options..." "Creams, jellies." "BETH:" "L-like marmalade?" "Or..." "WILLIAM:" "The diaphragm is a rubber cap that blocks the passage to the uterus." "It's safe, effective, and perfectly discrete." "BETH:" "All right." "I will take the small one." "WILLIAM:" "The device is sized to fit your cervix." "BETH:" "And my cervix is...where?" "[ Clears throat ]" "WOMAN:" "Yes, I think so." "How many months along are you?" "[ Door opens ] WOMAN 2: 6 1/2." "WOMAN:" "Oh, how exciting." "VIRGINIA:" "Bill." "The schedule for tonight." "We have a full dance card." "Our 9:00 backed out." "She had a previous date with a customer, but I convinced one of the other girls at the brothel to fill in." "WILLIAM:" "Are you finished with the intake forms?" "Place them on my desk as soon as they're done, and I'll need you to run down to the laundry and pick up a lab coat for a "Dr. DePaul"... before lunch, preferably." "Ah, Miss Dimello." "Shouldn't you be answering phones?" "BETTY:" "You've been dodging me all week." "WILLIAM:" "Well, it might surprise you to know I have patients." "BETTY:" "And we had a deal, remember?" "You wanted girls for your little science project." "I gave you a harem." "Now it's your turn to pony up." "WILLIAM:" "I gave you the job you wanted." "BETTY:" "I want that operation." "I want my tubes untied." "I'm getting married, and my fiancé wants lots of kids." " WILLIAM:" "Your fiancé, the Peanut King." " BETTY:" "Pretzels." "WILLIAM:" "A man who suddenly decided a lesbian prostitute is the answer to all his prayers." "If this figment of your imagination actually marries you," "I'll buy you all the Wedgwood china on your registry." "BETTY:" "You're a smug bastard." "WILLIAM:" "I simply refuse to be drawn into your peculiar fantasy life." "BETTY:" "Coming from you, the one with fantasies of hookers being plugged into wires." "A respectable doctor watching naked prostitutes hump an electric dildo." "WILLIAM:" "I have a very full schedule." "I'll see what I can do." "Just don't..." "Just don't come back to me when you're alone and pregnant and have nowhere to turn." "BETTY:" "You're a prince!" "VIRGINIA:" "Hello, ladies." "How lovely to see you again." "Everybody, please take a card." "These are your numbers." "Then we will consult the board to see when your number's up." "That means we're ready for you." "DOTTIE: [ Chuckles ] Like at the deli counter." "MAUREEN:" "Except we're the meat." "[ Both chuckle ]" "MAN:" "Whoa." "I bet you taste just like orange sherbet." "VIRGINIA:" "I'm not on the menu." "WILLIAM:" "Age?" "MAUREEN:" "Um..." "I don't know. 35?" "Maybe you can count the rings on my hoo-ha." "WILLIAM:" "Are you sexually active?" "VIRGINIA:" "Maureen, this is just an early questionnaire from the hospital." "We wanted to get to know our subjects before we wired them up, and we still want to know." "MAUREEN:" "Okeydokey." "[ Chuckles ]" "Yes, I'm sexually active." "Are you gonna ask me if I'm married?" "WILLIAM:" "That...is the next question." "MAUREEN:" "I am." "My husband's a Rockefeller." "I only come here for the coffee." "WILLIAM:" "And how frequently do you and your spouse en..." "How frequently do you engage in coitus?" "DOTTIE:" "Co..." "VIRGINIA:" "Sex." "GINGER:" "How much sex do I have?" "I would say...a lot." "WILLIAM:" "For example, five times per..." "DOTTIE:" "Day." "Sure, on a good day." "WILLIAM:" "Perhaps we should move on to the actual study." "All we're doing is collecting physiological data from the widest sample group possible, and from that, we'll build a statistical picture of what happens to the body during sex." "DOTTIE:" "And what's that for?" "WILLIAM:" "It's a device for self stimulation." "MAUREEN:" "So, what?" "You plug me in, and I, uh, diddle myself with this?" "WILLIAM:" "Until you climax, yes." "VIRGINIA:" "Ulysses is really just a big vibrator." "You don't have to use it." "WILLIAM:" "It depends on how you normally pleasure yourself." "MAUREEN:" "I take a midol and watch "General Electric Theater."" "[ Machine clicking ]" "[ Springs squeaking ]" "GINGER:" "Okay, look." "You want me to come, I can blow the doors off." "I just got to do it my own way." "WILLIAM:" "You can only climax in the all-fours position?" "GINGER:" "That's where I start, but I need a little extra help." "WILLIAM:" "Well, unfortunately," "Ulysses is the only mechanical stimulation we brought with us tonight." "[ Buzzing ] MAUREEN:" "Ooh!" "[ Gasping ]" "[ Stopwatch ticking ]" "DOTTIE:" "I'm sorry." "I just..." "I don't think it's working." "[ Stopwatch clicks ]" "WILLIAM:" "Nearly 20 minutes." "Do you normally have this much trouble climaxing?" "DOTTIE:" "Honestly, I haven't come in years." "In fact, I can't remember what it feels like." "Do I still get paid?" "MAUREEN:" "[ Moaning ]" "Oh!" "Oh!" "WILLIAM:" "You're sure this is the only way you can orgasm?" "GINGER:" "If I'm not sure, who is?" "[ Stopwatch clicks ]" "[ Sighs ] Tell him I'm not made of glass, will ya?" "VIRGINIA:" "Ginger is not made of glass." "[ Stopwatch ticking ]" "[ Smacks ]" "GINGER: [ Moans ] Harder." "[ Smacks ] Oh, even harder!" "[ Smacks ] Oh, my God!" "Harder!" "[Gasps]" "MAUREEN:" "Whoa!" "Whoo!" "Oh!" "Here I come, sweetie." "Yeah!" "[ Smacking ] GINGER:" "Oh, God!" "I'm coming!" "[ Gasps ]" "MAUREEN:" "God, yes!" "WILLIAM:" "[ Grunts ]" "GINGER:" "[ Sighs ]" "WILLIAM:" "4 minutes, 22 seconds..." "Very...efficient." "MAUREEN: [ Breathlessly ] Right." "Good." "Anything for science." "VIRGINIA:" "Maureen, the needle never moved." "MAUREEN:" "Yeah?" "Is that technical-ese for something I'm supposed to understand?" "WILLIAM:" "Well, it means you faked your orgasm." "MAUREEN:" "Six nights a week, matinées Wednesdays and Saturdays." "You've been a swell audience." "DOOLEY:" "[ Panting ]" "[ Grunts ]" "ETHAN:" "Nurse Riley, I need a wheelchair immediately!" "[ Keys clacking ]" "WILLIAM:" "They found you an apartment on campus?" "LILLIAN:" "It's serviceable..." "close to the hospital, where I expect I'll spend most of my time." "WILLIAM:" "Virginia." "[ Clacking stops ]" "The coat for Dr. DePaul." " VIRGINIA:" "Doctor?" " WILLIAM:" "Lillian DePaul, whom we were lucky enough to lure away from Cornell." "I'd give you the nickel tour, but I have a uterine prolapse upstairs." "VIRGINIA:" "I could show Dr. DePaul around." "ETHAN:" "Mrs. Masters, sorry about the wait." "LIBBY:" "For heaven's sake, it's "Libby."" "Let's not stand on ceremony." "Shall I, um..." "ETHAN:" "Just the blood work today." "The rest we will sort out before the capping tomorrow." "Nothing worth doing comes easy." "LIBBY:" "Easier for some than others, evidently." " ETHAN:" "Mm." " LIBBY:" "The nurses are all abuzz about the pregnant woman, your walk-in." "Is it really quadruplets?" "ETHAN:" "She nearly keeled over when I told her she had four on the way." "She's on bed rest downstairs." "Quick pinch." "LIBBY:" "[ Inhales sharply ]" "Please tell me she's as big as a house." "ETHAN:" "With a four-car garage." "LIBBY:" "[ Laughs ]" "Well, if she can't handle four," "I would be glad to take one off her hands." "It's the Barrett Sisters all over again." "The quads from Texas?" "It was in all the magazines..." "Look, Life, True Story." " ETHAN:" "Really?" " LIBBY:" "Mm." "There was also a whole spread in Women's Day..." "Color photos of the four little girls and the doctor." "Mm." "He looked just like Montgomery Clift." "ETHAN:" "I've got a fraternity buddy who writes the local page at the post-dispatch." "Kiwanis Club luncheons, lost pets." "He would chew his arm off for a story like this." "No such thing as bad publicity." "BARTON:" "Sure there is..." "Stillbirth." "Do you know the perinatal mortality rate in multiple pregnancy?" "We don't count chickens." "WILLIAM:" "I promise you I can handle it." "BARTON:" "Masters will handle it." "It's a high-risk case." "ETHAN:" "It's my high-risk case!" "BARTON:" "[ Chuckles ]" "ETHAN:" "Look, my fellowship is up in six months." "I'd like to be considered for a staff position." "You were a young doctor once." "BARTON: [ Chuckles ] Back in the Paleozoic." "ETHAN:" "I've been riding shotgun with Bill Masters for a year and a half." "I have learned everything he has to teach." "BARTON:" "Well, you're certainly cocky enough." "Maybe you've learned something from Bill after all." "All right." "The quads are yours, but no showboating in front of the press until after they're born." "And I want Masters in there with you as your second." "Understood?" "ETHAN:" "Absolutely." "VIRGINIA:" "The cafeteria is open until 8:00." "It's not exactly haute cuisine, but they do make a mean chocolate pudding." "And the east wing is down there." "It's psychiatrists, osteopaths, something called "phlebotomy"..." "Don't ask me what happens there." "LILLIAN:" "Venipuncture." "VIRGINIA:" "Venipuncture, right." "So, doctor, why did you leave Cornell?" "LILLIAN:" "Woman's medicine, ironically, is a bit of a boys' club." "VIRGINIA:" "[ Chuckles ] Yes." "There's no shortage of testosterone around here, either." "It's nice to see a woman in a lab coat for a change." "Doctor..." "Working at Dr. Masters' desk, it comes with certain privileges... expedited testing access to equipment, so if there's anything I can ever do to help you get..." "LILLIAN:" "I could use a coffee." "[ Elevator bell dings ]" " VIRGINIA:" "Sugar?" " LILLIAN:" "Black." "[ Indistinct conversations, laughter ]" "MAN:" "How are you?" "VIRGINIA:" "I took the liberty of changing some of the questions, the ones that didn't seem to apply." "Mind if I try them out?" "WILLIAM:" "Seems to be your strong suit." "VIRGINIA:" "Getting on well with the girls?" "WILLIAM:" "Taking liberties." "VIRGINIA:" "Age?" "ARDA: 20 next week." "VIRGINIA:" "And obviously you're sexually active, but seeing how sex is also your work... do you ever get pleasure from intercourse?" "ARDA:" "Eventually." "I get money from intercourse." "I get pleasure from money." "You want to know do I come?" "VIRGINIA:" "Do you?" "ARDA:" "Some pleasures even money doesn't buy." "[ Both chuckle ]" "VIRGINIA:" "What is your first association with sex?" "ARDA:" "Anchors." "WILLIAM:" "I'm sorry?" "ARDA:" "I, uh, grew up over in Wathena, my uncle's place." "There was this wallpaper in my room... baby blue with little anchors on it." "My uncle never had much use for me, till I filled out." "After that, I wasn't exactly a prizefight." "He'd pin my arms." "I'd look at those anchors and think about joining the Navy..." "See the world." "Nobody told me they don't take girls." "[ Chuckles ]" "VIRGINIA:" "W-what about your parents?" "Your aunt or..." "ARDA:" "Just my uncle." "That's it." "You want to know about sex, he's the one you ought to talk to." "Taught me everything I know." "What else you got?" "WILLIAM:" "Nothing." "Thank you." "Perhaps we should, uh, proceed to the exam." "MAN:" "Yeah, right there." "Yeah, that's it." "WOMAN:" "[ Speaking indistinctly ]" "MAN:" "Oh, shit. [ Moaning ]" " VIRGINIA: [ Sighs ]" " WOMAN: [ Moaning ]" "MAN:" "[ Grunting ]" "WOMAN:" "[ Speaking indistinctly ]" "MAN:" "Yeah." "WOMAN:" "[ Speaking indistinctly ]" "VIRGINIA:" ""Acute...salpin..."" " WILLIAM:" "Salpingitis." " VIRGINIA:" "Salpingitis." "Does even one of the girls have a clean bill of health?" "WILLIAM:" "Not one." "I've seen eight cases of skenitis... gonorrhea... an epidemic of P.I.D..." "pelvic inflammatory disease." "Not exactly the broad sample group I had in mind." "Plus, we're ignoring half the picture because there's no men in the study." " MAN: [ Grunting ]" " WOMAN: [ Grunting ]" "[ Thumping ]" "Yes!" "Oh!" "VIRGINIA:" "How hard could it be to scare up a few men around here?" "WILLIAM:" "I've asked." "Clients are a nonstarter." "VIRGINIA:" "And when has a nonstarter ever stopped us?" "You." " WILLIAM:" "Fine." "Go get Betty." " VIRGINIA:" "I can't." "She's at the hospital, resting up for surgery tomorrow." "WILLIAM:" "[ Groans ]" "BETTY:" "Now you ask a favor, when you're about to open me up like a sardine can?" "WILLIAM:" "I wouldn't ask if it wasn't important." "BETTY:" "More like blackmail." "WILLIAM:" "A practice with which you're well acquainted." "BETTY:" "So, how many guys do you want?" "WILLIAM:" "Well, I've seen the specimens that come through your door." "I just want them clean, healthy, and statistically average." "BETTY:" "Right-o." "Wheel me past a phone before you slice me open, then." "WILLIAM:" "I'll have the nurse handle it, and I'll see you inside." "The procedure isn't long." "You're gonna be fine." "ETHAN:" "This way, we will have the lay of the land before we pop the hood." "DOOLEY:" "Your friend's a real chatterbox..." "From the newspaper." "They want a photo to go with the contest." "ETHAN:" "Contest?" "DOOLEY:" ""Name the quadruplets."" "The winner gets a free toaster oven." "ETHAN:" "No, no, no, no, no." "I told him to sit on the story until after the delivery." "This has to stop now." "No more phone calls." "I don't care if it rings off the hook." "I'll handle the papers." "WOMAN:" "Operator." "How may I direct your call?" "ETHAN:" "I need an outside line." "[ Monitor beeping ]" "[ Indistinct conversation ]" "DOCTOR:" "Scar tissue?" "WILLIAM:" "Retractor." "DOCTOR:" "Christ, is that all P.I.D.?" "DOCTOR 2:" "Yeah." "Rumor is, she used to be a party girl." "DOCTOR:" "At least she's comfortable on her back." "DOCTOR 2:" "[ Chuckles ]" "WILLIAM:" "Scrub out." " DOCTOR:" "What?" " WILLIAM:" "Get out, both of you." "DOCTOR:" "Since when can't we joke about some worn-out hooker?" "WILLIAM:" "Number 10 scalpel." "[ Knocks on door ]" "VIRGINIA:" "Hi." "I just checked in on Bill's surgery." "It was supposed to be an hour." "It's now going on four." "LIBBY:" "I'm used to sharing Bill with half the expectant mothers in Missouri." "You'll sit for a minute, won't you?" "Another 12 hours, then I'm on bed rest at home." "VIRGINIA:" "Sure." "[ Woman speaking indistinctly on P.A. ]" "LIBBY:" "[ Chuckles ]" "VIRGINIA:" "There's a television in the doctors' lounge." "I could hijack it and wheel it in before Nurse Pratt sees me." "LIBBY:" "We couldn't tell Bill." "He's like a hall monitor when it comes to hospital rules." "VIRGINIA:" "Yes, unless he's the one breaking them, of course." "LIBBY:" "Mm." "Well, he would definitely give me the patented Bill Masters stare for filching a TV." "[ Both laugh ]" "[ Laughing ] I shouldn't laugh." "I'm not supposed to move." "VIRGINIA:" "You're not supposed to be working, either." "What are you writing?" "VIRGINIA:" "If I told you, you would slip into a coma." "It's floral arrangements." "Mm." "They have me planning the Trinity Deacons' lunch." "[ Sighs ]" "I wish I knew how to say no to these things." "VIRGINIA:" "I can't put three stems in a vase without it looking like a funeral." "LIBBY:" "Some people have children." "I have seating charts and a uterus incompatible with conception." "[ Monitor beeping ]" "WILLIAM:" "Retractor." "I need more exposure." "Move it!" "[ Sighs ]" "Scalpel." "[ Sighs ]" "WOMAN:" "Dr. Masters." "Dr. Masters!" "WILLIAM:" "[ Sighs ]" "Close her up." "GENE:" "Is she gonna be all right?" "WILLIAM:" "Who?" "GENE:" "My Betty." "I'm Gene, her fiancé." "Oh, don't tell me it burst." "Her appendix?" "WILLIAM:" "Her appendix is fine." "GENE:" "Oh." "[ Sighs ]" "And she made me promise not to come." "She said I worry too much." "I'm gonna give myself an ulcer." "WILLIAM:" "There's nothing to worry about." "GENE:" "Oh, thanks, God." "Yeah." "[ Grunts ]" "I got big plans for Betty and me..." "Three girls, three boys." "We'll probably get a dog, too." "Can I look in on her?" "WILLIAM:" "Let me talk to her first." "GENE:" "All right." "You know, Betty didn't lie..." "Best doc in St. Louis, huh?" "Huh?" "[ Laughs ]" "WILLIAM:" "Take a seat." "BETTY:" "[ Coughs ]" "[ Coughs ]" "WILLIAM:" "It's the tracheal catheter." "Some soreness is normal." "Water will help." "[ Sighs ]" "Y-you have chronic salpingitis, um..." "An inflammation of the fallopian tubes caused by pelvic infection." "I probably could have reversed the ligation, but the tissue damage..." "It's too far gone." "It won't be possible for you to get pregnant." "I'm sorry." "It was an abuse of hospital resources, a waste of my time." "VIRGINIA:" "You did everything you could to help her." "I'm sure she knows that." "WILLIAM:" "All to gather skewed data from a house full of sexual invalids." "VIRGINIA:" "What matters is you held up your end of the deal, and so did Betty." "Tonight we have male subjects, and I think you'll be pleased." "[ Sizzling ]" "MAN:" "But I don't think measles will photograph too well." "This picture's in technicolor, so I better change it to scarlet fever." "[ Laughter ]" "When I was 8, I had the hiccups for two days." "This I'm not gonna change." "[ Speaking indistinctly ]" "DALE:" "Dr. Frankenstein, I presume." "[ Laughter ]" "MAN:" "Let's face it... my life..." "[ Door closes ]" "VIRGINIA:" "Oh, you can keep your pants on for now." "CARL:" "I thought you wanted me to..." "VIRGINIA:" "We're going to talk first." "We'll get to know each other." "CARL:" "Like a date?" "VIRGINIA:" "And then Dr. Masters will wire you up for the study." "MAN:" "Oh, yeah." "[ Indistinct conversation ]" "CARL:" "What?" "VIRGINIA:" "Uh, it's just, to be honest, you're not what I expected." "CARL:" "Purse and heels?" "[ Chuckles ]" "VIRGINIA:" "What I meant is... that you just... you don't look like a guy who pays for sex." "CARL:" "Oh, I don't pay." "Guys pay me." "I work out of the Commodore Hotel downtown." "DALE:" "So, yank off, but don't yank off the wires." "Got it." "WILLIAM:" "The, uh, wires translate voltage from your heartbeat into graphic notations on paper." "DALE:" "It draws pictures?" "WILLIAM:" "It draws waveforms, from which we draw conclusions about the physiology of masturbation and sex more broadly." "DALE:" "How broadly?" "You're gonna study actual sex?" "WILLIAM:" "Eventually." "DALE:" "Queer sex, too?" "WILLIAM:" "So you're..." " DALE:" "Light in the loafers?" " WILLIAM:" "Homosexual." "DALE:" "Uh, well, I fuck men... or get fucked, mostly." "Dealer's choice." "WILLIAM:" "And... is that, uh, stimulating for you..." "the passive role?" "DALE:" "Depends on the John, the position." "I like to work on my back." "WILLIAM:" "As in the, uh, missionary...position." "I'm afraid I don't follow." "DALE: [ Laughing ] Christ, you're green." "You know..." "Guys pay to watch all the time." "You're a man of science." "Why don't I grab Carl, and..." "we'll show you how it's done." "WILLIAM:" "[ Clears throat ]" "VIRGINIA:" "Well, it looks like you've had a productive session." "WILLIAM:" "It is utterly impossible to continue the study here." "The sampling is hopelessly biased." "VIRGINIA:" "Biased?" "WILLIAM:" "Prostitutes." "Homosexuals." "They're three standard deviations from the norm." "You can't deduce a model of normal physiology with...outliers and misfits." "[ Scoffs ]" "We're..." "We're so far from the bell curve..." "We can't even hear it ringing." "VIRGINIA:" "So, what do we do?" "WILLIAM:" "I don't know." "BARTON:" "You sure made a hash of this, Bill." "You've got to go easy on the forceps." "Your old man never taught you how to barbecue?" "WILLIAM:" "Oh, he's not much of an outdoorsman." "BARTON:" "[ Chuckles ]" "So, now that you've got a medical degree burning a hole in your pocket, how do you plan to spend it?" "WILLIAM:" "Uh..." "If... if one really intended to, uh... pursue the..." "the science of human sexuality..." "BARTON:" "Oh, don't start." "I thought we settled this." "WILLIAM:" "But if one did?" "BARTON:" "Because one was deranged?" "WILLIAM:" "One was determined, you know?" "How..." "How would one go about it?" "BARTON:" "[ Chuckles ]" "WILLIAM:" "Come on." "H-Hypothetically." "BARTON:" "Well, you'd need to be out of short pants, for one thing." "A young buck in his 20s doing this kind of work, you'd look like a Peeping Tom." "WILLIAM: [ Chuckles ] So, how..." "How old?" "BARTON:" "40 at least, and you'd need an established practice at a world-class teaching hospital, something in a respectable field." "WILLIAM:" "Urology?" "BARTON:" "Obstetrics." "You'd also need a spick-and-span image, a perfect family." "That means a wife." "If Caroline's kaput, you ought to take a night off work." "Ask a nurse to the pictures." " WILLIAM:" "Ugh." " BARTON:" "No!" "Call it research." "WILLIAM:" "I'm..." "I'm waiting for the right girl." "BARTON:" "[ Chuckles ]" "Hey!" "VIVIAN:" "Are we having hamburgers?" "BARTON:" "Yes, we are." "The world isn't kind to mavericks, Bill." "You want to lead an unconventional life, you got to learn to hide in plain sight." "WILLIAM:" "Chief of Police Duncan, Archbishop Peter O'Reilly," "David Anhauser, Wyatt Busch," "Richard Amberg at the St. Louis Globe, and all seven members of the board of trustees, starting with Donald Morris." "VIRGINIA:" "And what are we going to do with these names?" "WILLIAM:" "In 12 years at Washington University," "I've delivered 3,000 babies." "I have given families to the leading lights in this community, and now these men are gonna help me." "[ Indistinct shouting ]" "VIRGINIA:" "By?" "WILLIAM:" "I don't know yet, but Scully will have to listen to them." "They will remind Scully of my value to this hospital." "REPORTER:" "You told me you would give me a quote." "ETHAN:" "I told you to stay away from my patient and this hospital." "ETHAN:" "How about I just call the police?" "!" "REPORTER:" "You got a quote on the quad case?" " WILLIAM:" "The what?" " REPORTER:" "Quads, here at the hospital." "Considering this is the first instance of quadruplets here at maternity hospital, what are the risks involved with such a case, Dr..." "Masters?" "WILLIAM:" "She's a 30-year-old primipara with quadruplets." "This raises her odds of placental abruption by a factor of 3, toxemia by a factor of 10." "ETHAN:" "Her blood pressure is stable." "WILLIAM:" "She should have been sectioned out days ago." "Dr. Haas can watch the delivery from the observation deck." "ETHAN:" "It is my fucking case!" "WILLIAM:" "Which you should never have taken in the first place." "This is high-risk surgery." "He's a fellow." "BARTON:" "Which is exactly why I had him call you in as his second." "WILLIAM:" "Well, that's the first I'm hearing of it." "ETHAN:" "You don't have enough to do?" "You have to come in here and steal my patient?" "I can handle this delivery." "ETHAN:" "You'll catch the next one." "[ Door slams ]" "[ Monitor beeping ]" "WILLIAM:" "There you go." "There you go." "Cut." "GLADYS:" "Apparently, she's an O.B. from New York." "RAMONA:" "You'd think she'd have more pizzazz." "GLADYS:" "Not Manhattan..." "Ithaca." "It's practically Canada." "[ Chuckles ]" "VIRGINIA:" "She got her M.D. at Harvard, surgical fellowship with Hollinger at Penn." "I read his letter of recommendation, and it said, if his eyes had been closed, he would not have known she was a woman." "RAMONA:" "I can't tell with my eyes open." "VIRGINIA:" "I think it's inspiring, actually..." "A woman making a life for herself on her own steam." "I just can't believe they put her in with the secretaries." "GLADYS:" "Well, I don't care where she went to school." "No lady doctor's looking up my skirt." "RAMONA:" "Just the thought is revolting." "[ Knocks on door ]" "VIRGINIA:" "Hello?" "Libby?" "Lib?" "LIBBY:" "[ Gasps ]" "VIRGINIA:" "Lib?" "LIBBY:" "Gini." "VIRGINIA:" "The door was unlocked." "I don't want to intrude." "Bon appétit." "LIBBY:" "Oh, it's beautiful." "VIRGINIA:" "Well, it looked better on the can." " You don't have to eat it." " LIBBY: [ Laughs ]" "I don't know what to say." "VIRGINIA:" "It was Bill's idea." "He's up to his elbows in the quadruplet surgery, and he didn't want you to starve." "I should probably get back before I lose another sitter." "Is there anything I can do for you before I go?" "LIBBY:" "Uh, there's a..." "There's a box up on the top shelf of the closet." "Green one." "VIRGINIA:" "Oh, they're darling." "LIBBY:" "Take them and give them to a... a mother from the ward." "Someone should get some use out of them." "VIRGINIA:" "Libby." "LIBBY:" "I found this in Bill's drawer." "It's a statistical view of female sterility." "[ Breathes sharply ]" "For my condition, it's 8%." "That's the number..." "An 8% chance that I will ever be pregnant." "All the tests and treatments..." "Bill was just humoring me." "[ Crying ]" "He deserves a family." "But it's never gonna happen because of me." "VIRGINIA:" "No." "That's not true." "LIBBY:" "And I'm so stupid." "I bought baby clothes." "VIRGINIA:" "You're not stupid, and it's not your fault." "It's Bill." "You don't have a condition, Libby." "It's Bill." "He's the one." "He's the one with the problem." "His sperm count." "I saw your file." "LIBBY:" "Oh, my God." "That's..." "Oh, no." "[ Crying ]" "E-Ethan knows, too." "Everyone but me." "VIRGINIA:" "You can't say anything to Bill." "Please, if he found out I told you..." "I'm so sorry, Libby." "I am." "It just..." "It doesn't seem right, you blaming yourself." "DALE:" "I looked for you at the whorehouse." "WILLIAM:" "How do you know where I work?" "DALE:" "I've been on campus once or twice." "I was thinking about your science project." "I figure I can help you." "I know a lot of guys." "They'd be glad to make a quick buck." "WILLIAM:" "I'm not interested in that." "DALE:" "Not in that way." "You need warm bodies, right?" "WILLIAM:" "Our needs have changed." "DALE:" "Look, I never thought that I'd be something a scientist would want to study." "I like the idea." "I want to be part of it." "If it's about the money..." "WILLIAM:" "We're conducting a study on normal human behavior." "Dale:" "You're saying I'm a deviant?" "WILLIAM:" "I'm saying you deviate..." "statistically." "Homosexual behavior lies outside the norm, therefore outside the purview of our study." "The medical community would never accept it." "DALE:" "Okay." "It's funny, I guess." "You're the second person in the medical community to fuck me." "WILLIAM:" "What do you mean?" "WOMAN:" "My eyesight is bad." "[ Door opens, closes ]" "MAN:" "Why don't you wear glasses?" " WOMAN:" "Glasses?" "!" " MAN:" "Sure." "Why not?" "WOMAN:" "'Cause they're terrible." "[ Footsteps ]" "WILLIAM:" "Libby?" "WOMAN:" "Of course, they're not so bad on men." "WILLIAM:" "You're out of bed." "LIBBY:" "I didn't cook." "You'll have to fend for yourself." "WILLIAM:" "I'm not hungry." "How was your day?" "LIBBY:" "Interesting." "WILLIAM:" "Mm." "So was mine." "I know these treatments are difficult." "But you'll be yourself in a few days," "I promise." "God knows we all have our cross to bear." "BARTON:" "Smile pretty for the camera." "Bill, P.R.'s part of the job, keeps the incubators running." "Five minutes." "It's a necessary evil." "[ Indistinct shouting ]" "MAN:" "Dr. Masters!" "MAN 2:" "Dr. Masters!" "BARTON: 1 in 700,000..." "Those are the odds for quadruplets." "You're more likely to get struck by lightning picking a four-leaf clover." "And I'm not gonna tell you the survival rate 'cause it'll turn your hair white." "It was the great fortune of their mother and this hospital that we had a one-in-a-million surgeon on hand to shepherd four perfect babies into the world, my colleague and dear friend Dr. William Masters." "[ Applause ]" "MAN:" "With the babies." "Hand him a baby." "MAN 2:" "All right, get in nice and tight." " MAN:" "Smile." " MAN 2:" "Right here." " MAN:" "One shot." " MAN 2:" "Dr. Masters, right here." " MAN:" "Perfect." " MAN 2:" "Very nice." "Very nice." "[ Baby cries ] MAN:" "There you go." "VIRGINIA:" "Betty." "[ Elevator bell dings ]" "They said you'd checked out." "I thought I'd missed you." "BETTY:" "Gene's pulling the wagon around." "Ah, it's gonna slip right off." "[ Chuckles ]" "Um..." "You know what he told me?" "He said, firstborn son, he wants to name it after Bill Masters." "He's practically painting the nursery already." "VIRGINIA:" "Betty, lots of women can't have children." "He will understand." "If he really wants to marry you..." "BETTY:" "He won't understand 'cause I'm not gonna tell him." "VIRGINIA:" "What do you mean?" "BETTY:" "I'm gonna wear my white dress, say my vows, and start my new life with the Pretzel King." "VIRGINIA:" "You have other options." "BETTY:" "Answering phones for a buck 10 an hour?" "VIRGINIA:" "Maybe not that, but...what about Helen?" "BETTY:" "You want to get somewhere..." "You hitch your wagon to a man." "That's what you're doing, following the doc around like a cocker spaniel." "VIRGINIA:" "I am Dr. Masters' assistant." "BETTY:" "And because he's in love with you, you know you can use it to your advantage." "Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about." "VIRGINIA:" "That is absurd, Betty." "GENE:" "All right, let's shake a leg." "I'm double-parked." "Oh." "[ Chuckles ]" " Oh, hi." "Hi." " VIRGINIA:" "Hi." "GENE:" "You must be one of Betty's girlfriends." "Nice to meet you." "Don't feel bad." "She..." "She doesn't introduce me to anyone." "BETTY:" "[ Laughs ]" "GENE:" "If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were trying to hide me." "BETTY:" "Oh, this here's Virginia, the doc's secretary..." "Sorry." "[ Clears throat ]" "Assistant." "Just another hard-working girl doing the best she can." "GENE:" "Good for you." "Nice to meet you." "Ready?" "VIRGINIA:" "Nice to meet you." "GENE:" "Hold on, there." " Oh, sorry, honey." " BETTY:" "That's all right." "LIBBY:" "[ Sighs ]" "[ Door closes ]" "Well, you and Bill make quite the team, wouldn't you say?" "ETHAN:" "I don't know I'd say that." "Hmm." "[ Clicks tongue ]" "That is the damndest thing." "LIBBY:" "I think there's some information you haven't shared with me, Ethan." "ETHAN:" "You're right." "There is." "[ Breathes deeply ]" "Bill thinks that he can do everything by himself." "But, technically," "I'm the one who got his wife pregnant." "LIBBY:" "[ Crying ]" "ETHAN:" "[ Laughs ]" "[ Typewriter dings ]" "VIRGINIA:" "[ Sighs ]" "[ Door opens, closes ]" "WILLIAM:" "Take these to the laundry, no starch, and call Scully's office." "Tell him I'm coming up to see him." "VIRGINIA:" "What's happening with the study?" "Because I'm a little confused." "At night, you treat me like a colleague, and here, I seem to be your errand girl." "WILLIAM:" "You're my secretary." "The job description is clear." "VIRGINIA:" "Not to me." "I don't understand." "If you think that I'm qualified to conduct scientific research when it comes to the study, how I am not qualified..." "WILLIAM:" "At the moment, there is no study." "The brothel is a disaster, and the study is forbidden here, something you had a hand in, I might remind you." "Also, in case you've forgotten, uh, it has taken me over 20 years to get where I am... pre-med, medical school, a grueling residency that finally landed me in a world-class teaching hospital." "Now, when you have that kind of experience under your belt, you can tell me to take the lab coats to the basement." "Is that clear enough?" "[ Door closes ]" "What I'm saying is I can't conduct my research in a brothel, and this study will suffocate without the respectability of this hospital." "BARTON:" "Dear God, you are a dog with a bone." "WILLIAM:" "I'm more like a cash cow to you... to this hospital." "And I'm on the front page, in case you hadn't noticed." "That kind of publicity could buy you a new wing... instead of a long and costly lawsuit over four dead newborns, which is where you were headed until I stepped in." "BARTON:" "Which is why I put you on the case." "WILLIAM:" "I could just as easily, uh, tell the press the truth... that you actually put a fellow on the case." "BARTON:" "Do not fuck with me, Bill!" "Because when it comes to throwing weight around," "I will crush you into dust, even if I don't want to." "Now, four babies are downstairs that wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you." "It was a good day." "Go home to your wife." "Come back tomorrow to the job you were meant to do." "WILLIAM:" "[ Sighs ]" "You know, I met a young man at the brothel..." "A prostitute, a homosexual." "He came to see me last night." "BARTON:" "For Christ's sake, Bill." "WILLIAM:" "He opened my eyes to a few, uh, realities." "BARTON:" "I mean it..." "Spare me the lurid details." "WILLIAM:" "The men who pay to see him..." "They're not convicts or reprobates." "They're not degenerates." "They're family men, living a double life, suffering in the shadows." "I don't believe in shadows." "I believe in the light of scientific inquiry." "I believe I have a responsibility to those men, whether they're salesmen or lawyers... or a provost of a major university." "[ Sighs ]" "I'm begging you to reconsider." "If not for my sake, then for those men in the shadows." "BARTON:" "What the hell is this, Bill?" "WILLIAM:" "It's a necessary evil." "BARTON:" "Thought you'd gone AWOL." "WILLIAM:" "Uh, I'm not much for goodbye parties." "BARTON:" "[ Chuckles ]" "If they play "Meet Me in St. Louis" one more time," " I'm gonna give myself an auriculectomy." " WILLIAM: [ Chuckles ]" "Margaret looks happy." "BARTON:" "Ah, wife of the new provost of Washington University?" "She thinks she's Eleanor Roosevelt." "WILLIAM:" "Well..." "She'll be missed." "BARTON:" "Mm." "WILLIAM:" "You both... both will." "BARTON:" "Dean Young tells me that you you put in for a fellowship in Wash U's obstetrics department." "Wish I'd heard that from you." "WILLIAM:" "Well, I-I didn't want you to feel like, you know, you had to intervene." "I don't..." "I don't think I impressed them." "BARTON:" "Oh, they were impressed." "They thought you were the most arrogant resident they ever interviewed..." "A smug, self-satisfied horse's ass." " WILLIAM:" "Ah." " BARTON:" "Yeah, "we can't take him because we'd have to build a separate wing for his ego"..." "Something like that." " WILLIAM:" "I see." " BARTON: [ Chuckles ]" "I, uh, I told Dean Young he could take us both, or he could take the provost job and shove it." "So meet me in St. Louis?" "[ Chuckles ] Bill..." "WILLIAM:" "[ Sniffles ]" "The study will resume tomorrow evening in the hospital." "# Believe the stars that fill the skies #" "# Are in my eyes #" "# Guess you feel # [ Door opens, closes ]" "# You'll always be #" "# The one and only one for me #" "# And if you think you could #" "LIBBY:" "So glad you're home, daddy." "# Well, chances are, your chances are #" "Sit down." "# Awfully good #" "# The chances are, your chances are #" "It's been a good day." "# Awfully good #"