"â™ª" "ANNOUNCER:" "Ladies and gentlemen, Mike Recine!" "(audience cheering)" "Hello, hi." "Oh, thank you." "Thank you so much, New Orleans." "How we doing, you drunks and whores?" "Huh?" "(cheering)" "I just love eating." "There's this taco truck in my neighborhood." "I was there the other night at, like, 4:00 in the morning, and this guy in front of me tried to order his food in Spanish, and then like halfway through his order he just realized" "that he couldn't speak Spanish." "He was like,"Â¿Hola?"" ""Um, tres pollo tacos." "Por favor." ""Y un carnitas... burrito." ""Um, I have a severe dairy allergy, so..." ""...please, no cheese or sour cream on my plate." ""That's very important." ""'Cause I'll die, I'll swell up and die." ""And, uh, give me the pork well done," ""and the sauce on the side." "Okay, gracias!"" "I like, uh, I like living in New York, though, you know?" "It's very, it's very diverse." "I was on a bus a couple days ago, and there was no traffic, but the bus just wasn't moving, for whatever the reason." "And I was like, I'm gonna be late." "Like, I hope one of these black women says something to the bus driver." "Just 'cause I'm not gonna do it, 'cause..." "I'm like a huge coward, you know?" "And then a couple weeks after that," "I was at a bagel shop, and this guy cut me in line and I was like, he probably doesn't even know that he cut me." "But then he started ordering for the entire construction site, and I was like, I wouldn't even know what to say to this guy." "And then I was like, why don't I have an app on my phone, like Uber, where like every time you have to confront somebody, a black lady just comes and does it for you, you know?" "You just type in where you are, and what's happening, and, uh, you hit Submit, and they're like, "Don't worry, Denise (4.9 stars) is three minutes away."" "She just comes in and screams at the guy and winks at you." "You know?" "Or maybe like, you're at the airport, and they're like, "Sir, that bag is not a carry-on"" "and you're like, "We'll see about that."" "(chuckles)" "Thank you." "Sometimes I get sick of New York, though." "You know?" "I'm tired of people saying it's the greatest city in the world." "'Cause it's never, like, a world traveler who's saying that." "It's always some overweight guy who's like," ""New York, greatest city in the world."" "And you're like, "Okay, what's your number two?"" "And he's like, "I never left Queens, but..." ""We got the best pizza." ""One time Derek Jeter fingered my sister." "She said he was a real gentleman."" "I got a girlfriend, and she's a native New Yorker." "And, uh, she's from Staten Island originally." "But she's a speech pathologist." "So sometimes I listen to her talk-- she's got, like, the heaviest accent" "I'm like, how do they let you work with children?" "You know?" "She's like... (heavy accent):" ""Timmy, repeat after me, my father will (bleep) kill you."" ""So come on, I'm gonna go to the mall, and walk my dog." ""Dog." "Repeat after me." "Dog."" ""T-D-ah-A-W-G." "Dog."" "She's like, "If you leave this Denny's, it's over."" "She's cool, though." "The other day, she asked me if I would take a bullet for her." "And I was like, I don't think anybody's showing up to kill you, and bringing one bullet." "I'm not gonna jump in front of the gun." "And the guy's like, "Oh, no!" "That was my only bullet!" ""Note to self, bring more bullets next time." "Somebody might love her."" "You know what I noticed a couple days ago?" "There's a lot of songs on the radio about, like, catching somebody who cheated on you." "But you don't hear any songs about, like, thinking that you caught somebody and then confronting them and you're wrong, and they didn't." "And now you have to, like, listen to her explanation of where she was, and it makes sense, you know?" "Your ever hear that Whitney Houston song, she's like," ""Friday night, you and your boys went out to eat." ""But only two of you had dinner." "I found your credit card receipt."" "What if the guy from that song is like," ""That's 'cause we split the bill three ways," ""and then Tommy... gave me cash." ""I used my credit card for the two of us." ""Okay, you psychopath?" ""I thought you were gonna stop digging through my garbage."" "She's like, "Whoops." "I'm sorry." "I'll just go to bed."" "Something about me-- I actually, uh," "I have a younger brother who's mentally challenged." "Uh, he has severe autism." "And, uh, I have two brothers and one of them is not autistic at all." "And a friend of mine met that brother recently and then he came up to me and he goes," ""Hey, Mike, I just met your brother." "He's, like, barely autistic."" "(chuckles)" "I just think that's a funny thing to learn about yourself." "You're not autistic, but people think you are a little bit." "I'm like, "You got to stop blinking so much." "Stop wearing that propeller hat everywhere, because..."" "But, uh, my brother does Special Olympics, like, every year." "And, uh, last year he did it he got disqualified from a race." "Did you know they do that to Special Olympics athletes?" "Somebody had to, like, blow a whistle at him and be like," ""Get out of here." "You're done."" "And, uh, this is why they disqualified him." "He was in a walking race... and he ran." "And he was reprimanded for that." "Does that make any sense to you guys?" "Like, why did they do that?" "He didn't-- he didn't ruin Christmas or squeeze a puppy too hard." "He-he figured out how to win a race with his... (chuckles)" "Yeah, with his mind." "And then Special Olympics punished a special kid for doing something smart." "But, uh, I don't know if any of you guys have, you know, siblings with a disability, but, uh, when you have one, that's what you write your college essay about." "It's like, kind of a waste of an autistic brother... if you don't do it." "You know?" "My grandpa always said, "When life gives you lemons, maybe those lemons can help you get into San Diego State."" "So..." "I did it, my other brother did it." "I was reading my sister's, uh, college essay, a couple years ago." "She had a line in there, it went-- she goes, "When I look at Alex," ""I see an owl who's lost in the woods, trying to navigate the thickets of his mind."" "I was like, "What are you talking about?" ""An owl?" ""Owls don't blow out birthday candles when it's not their birthday."" "And also, owls don't really get lost in the woods, they belong there and that's where they function well." "You know?" "She should have said, "He's like an owl who's lost at Target."" "I think that would have been..." "Kind of clumsy." "It makes people uncomfortable." "You know, 'cause if you went to Target and there was an owl loose in the store, you'd be like, "Can you help me carry this to my car?"" "They'd be like, "We have more important things" ""to deal with right now." ""We're gonna take care of this owl." "Then maybe we'll come to your piano recital."" "(chuckles)" "Thank you." "But my brother is getting older now, you know?" "So, like, I'm starting to realize m-my parents are gonna be gone, someday... um, 'cause they're getting older and he's getting older, and then I'm gonna have to, drown him, you know?" "Because..." "I just hope in the future, there's no racism and the only group that we hate are robots." "'Cause they're gonna be taking all the jobs, you know?" "I'll be some angry old man." "I'll be like," ""You know, these things-- they come to this country," ""and they take all the work from Americans" ""like me and Eduardo and Juan... and Wang."" "I'm like, "Do you know how long Wang has been out of work?" "'Cause some bolt-bucket took his job."" "My daughter's like, "Dad, you shouldn't say bolt-bucket."" "I'm like, "Kaitlin, they call each other bolt-buckets." ""What are you talking about?" ""Don't you listen to their music?" ""Like, I'll tell you what" ""you ever bring home a bolt-bucket," ""I'm gonna disown you." "You understand me?" ""I hate these robots." "Having sex with our women."" "I've had every job, though, before comedy." "I-I worked at a restaurant one time and the manager was training me." "And he was like, "Listen." ""Like, I believe any monkey can do this job." "But we hire you 'cause of your personality."" "I thought it was weird that he saidanymonkey." "'Cause the phrase is, "Amonkey can do this job."" "I was like, "This guy thinks different monkeys can do different jobs."" "He's like, "This job's easy, you know." "Any monkey can do it."" "I used to work at Applebee's, most monkeys are capable of a job like that." "It might be hard for, like, a lemur or a spider monkey." "Those are very tiny monkeys." "Kept our forks very high off the ground, you know." "I got a sister." "She's an air traffic controller." "That's not for monkeys." "You ever see a monkey landing planes, you call 911 immediately." "There's lives in danger." "I don't know if any of you are servers or bartenders, or whatever, but I think now that I don't wait tables anymore," "I'd love to make a reality show about being a waiter." "And what we're gonna do is we're gonna take really wealthy people who have never had to wait tables before, and then we're gonna beat 'em to death in front of their kids." "One time I was having a cigarette with a friend of mine, he wouldn't use a white lighter, because they're bad luck, apparently." "Yeah, a lot of people think that." "Do you know why they think that?" "The only reason is because the night that Jimi Hendrix died, they found a white lighter in his pocket." "But you know what else is unlucky is heroin." "(laughter)" "Lots of heroin, and then, passing out on your back." "I heard that's a bad omen, you know?" "I think I would like children someday, though." "To be honest with you, and, uh..." "Just 'cause I was watching a movie the other night, and this guy in the movie was getting robbed, and he was like, "Don't kill me, I have a family."" "I was like, well, what do you say when you're, like, 43 with no kids, and that's happening to you?" "You'd be like, "Don't shoot, I've never seenThe Wire." "Please, my screenplay's not finished."" "Uh, "Don't shoot, I have an HM gift card." "Like $14 left on it."" "I definitely think, though, I'd rather have daughters instead of sons, you know, because" "I don't want to have a son, uh..." "You have to teach your son stuff." "Like, not to rape anybody." "That's like, a big lesson that you can't... miss with your kid, you know?" "You got to be like, "Don't ever rape someone."" "But then I just imagine you tell your son that, and he's like, "That's fine, Dad." ""Like, any time I want to have sex with a girl," "I'll just ask her permission first."" "And then I'd have to be like," ""Yeah, but they kind of hate that, too, actually." "Um..." ""You... (chuckles) You should never do that, um..." ""They want you to be, like, strong and confident," ""and kind of know what you want." "And go after it," and then my kid's like," ""But that sounds like rape."" "And I'm like, "I know, doesn't it?" ""It's really weird, I don't know..." ""...why that is." ""Never rape somebody, but" ""sometimes it's only good when it feels a little rapey." ""Good luck out there." ""'Cause that's all the, uh, advice I have for you." ""Oh, you're gay." "Okay." "Thank God." "Wow, you're gonna..." "You're gonna have a great time."" "I bet being a parent is terrifying, though." "I was reading this article the other day." "It was about this guy." "They were calling him "the worst pedophile."" "And they think he had over 100 victims." "But then I was like, "I don't know if that's" ""the worst pedophile." "That's like, the best pedophile."" "I just feel like the worst pedophile is a guy who, like, can never get his van to start." "(chuckles)" "Just buys, like, the worst candy that nobody likes." "He's at the playground with, like, black licorice and... circus peanuts." "He's like, "You kids don't like Necco Wafers?" "What is this?"" "Or, he probably doesn't even have candy, he's probably got, like, raisins and trail mix." "WNBA cards, you know?" "He's like, "Hey kids, who likes the Indiana Fever?" "Come on, who's your favorite Seattle Storm player?"" "The kids are like, "You're embarrassing yourself." "Stop trying to have sex with us."" "I gotta tell you though, comedy's a lot of fun." "You know, I've been doing it for a while, and, uh," "I think when every comedian starts, they're like," ""I'm gonna be the funniest comic ever."" "But then they do it for a couple years, and you actually have thoughts where you're like," ""I would be happy to be the funniest dad in the neighborhood."" "That's like, all I want sometimes." "I just want to have a teenage daughter and all her friends are like," ""Mr. Recine is, like, so funny."" "(laughter)" ""Like, for real, like, Courtney, your dad is legit funny."" "My daughter's like, "Yeah." "Try living with him."" "'Cause she's, like, a little bitch who doesn't appreciate good comedy, you know?" "She's at that age." "Not impressed by anything." "What are you gonna do?" "But then, I feel like my daughter would have one friend named Jessica, who, like, loves to laugh, you know?" "And she comes over the house and just lobs me softballs all day, that I just knock out of the park, you know?" "And she's like, "Hi, Mr. Recine."" "I'm like, "Oh, hey, Jessica." ""I got a bag of Oreos for you." ""They say 'Jessica's Oreos' on them." ""So you don't eat all of mine like last time, you pig." ""I mean, what the hell's the matter with you, Jessica?" "You eat Oreos like a 400-pound man."" "She's like, "Mr. Recine, I was hungry."" "And I'm like, "Jessica, I don't care." ""Have all the Oreos you want." "I have money." You know?" "'Cause I do have money." "I'm, like, a very good provider." "And uh, Jessica's family's poor." "They live in a trailer on the other side of town." "Jessica's dad is, like, a weird guy." "Like, he'll wear aLooney Tunesjacket to a parent-teacher conference and stuff." "And I'm like, "What are we doing here?" You know?" "Uh, and then maybe, like, another time," "I'm dropping Jessica and my daughter off at the movies, and I'm like, "Oh, you girls look so pretty, but like," ""no drinking, no drugs, don't kiss any boys." "I know every cop in this town."" "And she's like, "Mr. Recine, you have to trust us."" "And I'm like," ""Jessica, I don't trust you around a bag of Oreos." ""Are you kidding me?" ""You think I would just hand my trust over to a 14-year-old girl?"" "And then, maybe, another time, um... (laughter)" "We're at a soccer game, and, uh," "Jessica wants to introduce me to a friend of hers." "And she's like, "That's Mr. Recine."" "Like, watch how funny he is."" "And she's like, "Hi, Mr. Recine."" "And I'm like," ""Oh, hey." "It's Jessica, the girl who poops in my house and doesn't spray Lysol."" "And she gets really embarrassed, and, uh... my wife is furious." "She's like, "Did you make a joke about Jessica pooping?" "She was really humiliated by that."" "So I have to write her an apology letter." "I'm like, "Uh, dear Jessica..." "Really sorry about those comments I made."" "You know, and..." "Um, and then, maybe, like, another time," "I'm, like, cleaning my pool, you know, and, uh..." "Jessica comes outside, and she's like, "Hi, Mr. Recine."" "I'm like, "Oh, hey Jessica." And she's like," ""Wow, your arms are really big." "I never noticed them before."" "I'm like, "That's a weird thing for a 14-year-old girl to say to a grown man."" "But I just kind of deflect it." "I'm like, "Yeah, well, you know." "Courtney was such a fat baby," ""they got big," ""from me picking her up all the time, um, and then I just kind of maintained, you know?"" "I'm like, "Can I help you with something?"" "And she's like, "Yeah, Mr. Recine." "I bet you have a big penis."" "And I'm like, "Jessica, what did you say to me?"" ""That's not appropriate." "What the hell's the matter with you?"" "And she's like, "Okay, I'm sorry." "Just like, don't yell at me."" "And I'm like, "Jessica, that's... that's..." "Go back in the house." "You know, we'll talk about this later."" "And she's like, "Okay." And she walks away, and then I..." "I tell my wife that that happened." "And my wife is like, "We should tell her father."" "And I'm like, "Karen, I don't know, because, like..." ""Like, I've met that guy, and we might have to go to the cops on this one."" "Like..." "like that's how funny I want to be." "That's all I... (laughter, applause)" "That's all I want out of this crazy business." "Guys, thank you so much and have a good night." "I've been Mike Recine." "Captioning sponsored by TRIAGE ENTERTAINMENT GROUP" "Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org" "â™ªâ™ª" "Ladies and gentlemen Mike Recine!" "(applause)"