"**..." "Hi, tiny." "I think it's time I told you" "How you came into this world." "And even though you're way too" "Young to hear this, you should" "Hear it from me instead of" "Someone else." "Your mom was once" "The girl next door." "But I love sex, and some" "People thought it was" "A bad thing." "( Moaning )" "People have called me a slut," "But I have learned that a slut" "Is just a woman with" "The morals of a man." "Good boy!" "Ah!" "Oh..." "Aaah!" "Whoo-hoo!" "Ha ha ha!" "Who's your big mama?" "You're my big mama." "Now it's your turn." "Um, what?" "Come here." "Daddy, I've been a bad girl." "( Chuckling ) Excuse me?" "Spank me." "Okay." "Harder." "( Laughing )" "Most guys can't" "Hang with me." ""Most" guys?" "I wonder what the record is" "For the most times anyone's ever" "Had sex in one night?" "Mmm..." "I don't know, but..." "I think" "It's safe to say we broke" "The north American record." "Wouldn't garlic ice cream" "Be perfect right now?" "Mmm." "I could go for" "Some corn ice cream." "I think you can mix anything" "With ice cream and it'd" "Still be good." "What about kimchi?" "That actually sounds yummy." "So tell me more about yourself." "What do you do?" "Oh..." "Why don't we just lie here" "And think about ice cream?" "Wait." "Don't move." "I want to take" "Your picture just like that." "No..." "I create one every time" "I have sex with someone" "To remind me where I've been." "Kind of like postcards." "( Laughs )" "Oh, you." "( Vomiting )" "Hmm." "Good morning." "I didn't, uh..." "Know you were so into cooking." "I'm not." "I'm an eater." "I like looking at the pictures." "It's my porn." "( Laughs )" "I like that." "But you know what?" "I'd really like to see your art." "Ah." "He's my supermodel." "I can't quite seem to" "Get him right, though." "I've been working on him" "For a year." "Chalamushi." "You didn't think I'd know?" "You never struck me" "As a foodie." "Ah." "( Ringtones play )" "Angela:" "Gabriel?" "Hello, Gabriel, are you there?" "Hello, Angela." "Oh, thank God." "I need you" "To go to the store right now" "And buy me three" "Home pregnancy tests." "Okay, but..." "What are they gonna think" "If they see me buying" "A home pregnancy test?" "Oh, my God, you're gay..." "No one's gonna think anything!" "Okay, okay, okay." "Just one last thing" "I need from you," "One last favor." "Please?" "Please!" "Okay, I'll be there" "In half a minute." "Okay." "Okay, wait." "Maybe ten." "He's a hottie." "Mister hottie." "Yeah." "So, the cute checker" "Finally gave me his" "Phone number." "It's ironic he only talked to me" "After he thought I was straight." "Didn't he think it was a bad" "Sign you were buying three" "Home pregnancy tests?" "I told him they were" "For my mom." "She's a regular at the store." "So, I would not stress." "I'm not stressed." "I know for a fact that" "You are not pregnant." "Thank God, but how" "Would you know that?" "Well, your horoscope didn't" "Say anything about surprises" "This morning." "Check again." "How accurate can" "Those things be?" "Ninety-nine point eight" "Percent of the time." "Have you ever heard" "Of the pill?" "It makes me feel bloated." "Oh." "And this is so much" "Better." "You're the one that told me" "To relax and have fun." "I never told you to have" "Unprotected sex." "Do you have any idea" "Who the daddy could be?" "Could be anyone." "How many people could you" "Have slept with in the last" "Two months?" "Where are your cards?" "All right." "Pick out the people" "You slept with in the last" "Two months." "Damn, girl!" "All right." "Pick out the people" "You didn't use protection with." "All right, well, that's better." "5-second guy..." "Nice-but-boring..." "Mystery man..." "Oh, and Mr. hottie." "( Knock on door )" "Woman:" "Angela?" "Ohh!" "Angela, open this door!" "We were supposed to meet" "For dinner last night." "I don't even want to know" "What you were doing instead." "So what were you doing?" "Where were you?" "I thought you said" "You don't want to know." "Congratulate me!" "I think I'm pregnant." "Who's the father?" "Angela, how can you not know" "Who the father is?" "I..." "Know who the father is." "Kind of." "Well, what are those?" "They're like..." "Baseball cards." "But so much better." "Angela, I'm really" "Disappointed in you." "All right..." "Do you want my sisterly advice?" "No." "Maybe this is God's way of" "Saying settle down, grow up," "And be truly happy for once" "In your life." "You must be joking!" "Look, I will go to" "The clinic with you." "My irresponsible single mom" "Really fucked me up." "Abortion is murder." "Really?" "Yeah." "Angela cannot take care" "Of this baby on her own." "Would you stay out of" "Our family business?" "He's right." "I can't take" "Care of myself, let alone" "Another person." "You are not that young" "Anymore." "And even if you found the right" "Guy, it is going to be harder" "And harder for you to" "Have a baby." "You'd be surprised how hard it" "Was for me to have the twins" "Because I waited too long." "Congratulations." "You're pregnant." "How long?" "Seven weeks." "I mean, how much longer" "Do I have?" "Well, it usually takes" "About 40 weeks, but the baby" "Will let you know when" "It's ready." "What if I'm not ready?" "Is there some way to" "Slow it down?" "Would you like to see it?" "It looks like a peanut." "Okay." "Maybe we can get married." "Ha ha ha!" "We can raise the kid" "Together." "I'd rather die." "It's not you, it's just the idea" "Of being with you..." "Forever." "Anyway, I thought we decided" "You were gonna get it" "Taken care of." "I was just thinking" "Out loud." "Hmm." "What are you doing?" "Lawrence from the" "Convenience store?" "Uh-huh." "I've seen him every day" "This week." "He's young." "I know." "Does he know what kind" "Of guy you are?" "What is that supposed" "To mean?" "Does he know about" "All your issues?" "Oh, now I have issues?" "Yeah." "Yeah, I told him." "And you're still gonna" "Go to Las Vegas with him" "And visit your grandparents?" "And?" "He's young and Canadian." "He's gonna get the wrong idea." "Hey!" "Jesus, you already" "Sold him to me." "Shut up." "Hey, you." "Angela." "So you're the one" "That makes the cards." "Yeah." "Has Gabriel made one" "For me yet?" "No." "Good." "Why don't we" "Keep it that way?" "Okay." "Okay?" "Oh, God, I think" "I'm gonna be sick." "No, seriously." "Oh...!" "* nine-inch remedy" "* I need a nine-inch remedy" "* I need a nine-inch remedy" "* I need a nine-inch remedy" "( music continues )" "Hi, Angela." "I didn't know you" "Worked here." "I'm actually about to" "Go on break." "( Baby crying )" "Did you hear that?" "Hear what?" "I..." "I'm sorry." "I can't." "You can't even smoke anymore." "Candy cigs." "You want one?" "Do I want candy cigs?" "Uh-huh." "No." "No smoking, no drinking," "No coffee." "Getting knocked up" "Is the worst std ever." "That guy gave me some coke." "You want some?" "What?" "It's not like" "You're gonna keep it." "I'm too old for this." "You're not too old." "I found another white" "Pubic hair this morning!" "Hello." "Is anyone home?" "Angela:" "I never quite got" "Along with your aunt." "I was the rebel, and she was" "The good girl with the perfect" "Husband and two kids straight" "Out of the gap catalogue." "I wouldn't have admitted it" "Then, but part of me wanted" "That life." "So, how was your trip, dad?" "Both:" "It was amazing!" "Everyone should try peyote" "At least once." "It totally frees the mind." "And you know what" "We found out?" "We have" "The same animal spirit." "We have wolves watching over us." "( Both howl )" "I'm ready for dessert." "Well, I think she's" "Handling it pretty good." "Could have been much worse." "Much worse." "At least you've turned out" "Pretty well." "Thanks, dad." "Did you see how young she is?" "I mean, she's younger than us." "It's like dad is dating one of" "Our friends' younger sisters." "Good for dad." "He deserves" "To have a little fun after" "Everything he's gone through," "Don't you think?" "Or maybe not." "She seemed a little young." "Let's talk about..." "You." "How are you doing?" "Have you started looking" "For the father yet?" "I'm tired." "I don't want" "To talk about me." "Angela, if you are not" "Careful, this could be" "Your future." "Who's your mama?" "!" "( Whip cracks )" "Who's your mama?" "!" "( Whip cracks )" "Who's your grandmama?" "We need to talk." "Sometimes it takes an" "Unexpected mistake..." "I mean miracle..." "To wake people up." "You're my miracle." "Do you understand what" "I'm trying to say?" "I should figure out" "Who the father is." "You're serious about" "Having this baby?" "Is that crazy?" "You want the truth?" "Of course." "It's insane." "Oh!" "Oh, oh!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "You should sell it!" "Yeah!" "People are paying" "Like $40,000 to adopt babies" "From China." "Don't say that." "I don't want" "The baby to hear anything" "Negative." "You're the one who said you" "Didn't want to have kids." "Now that it's happening," "I'm gonna go with it." "So shut up and help me" "Figure out who the father is." "I put my money on 5-second guy." "It's always the quick ones." "( Music plays )" "Come on, you're" "Ruining my buzz." "Whoo!" "Whoo!" "Hey." "Hey." "You look familiar." "Have me ever met before?" "( Both laugh )" "You know, if I was as pretty" "As you are..." "I don't think I'd be here" "All alone." "Oh. ( Giggles )" "I know what you need." "Hmm?" "Ooh. ( Laughs )" "Okay, close your eyes." "Close your eyes, all right?" "Now..." "I'm gonna kiss you." "Okay?" "Really?" "I'm gonna kiss you, though," "Like I'm going down on you." "Oh..." "Mmm..." "Mmm." "Oh..." "Mmm... ( Both panting )" "Well, come on." "Just... just let me..." "Just let me put it in" "And wiggle it around" "A little bit, okay?" "Okay." "I... uh..." "Unh!" "Unh!" "Unh!" "Unnhh!" "Unhh!" "Oh..." "Oh..." "Oh..." "I can go again." "Say "cheese."" "And you want to see him" "Again because?" "He could be the father." "Okay." "Will you cover for me?" "Uh-huh." "Thanks." "Crazy." "Hi." "Hey." "Um, have you seen this guy" "Around here?" "Oh, yeah." "( Laughs )" "Isn't this senor quickie?" "Yep." "I know him." "Mr. minute man." "Comes in here all the time." "Mr. oops." "Mr. premature ejaculator." "Look, if you're gonna" "Shoot him, can we watch?" "In fact, you can have him." "I'll give you his address." "He knock you up too?" "I swear, my brother could" "Impregnate by sight." "He had the strongest" "Little swimmers." "Come on in." "He died a couple of days ago." "Suicide." "Drug overdose." "No one knows for sure." "I'm..." "Oh, don't be sorry." "He was a jackal." "Are they all..." "Mm-hmm." "He was a regular" "Johnny bastard seed." "How do they all know" "That he's..." "The..." "You don't know who" "The father is, do you?" "( Cell phone rings )" "I know who the father is." "Marissa?" "Your phone." "Excuse me." "Angela:" "Okay, okay, okay." "I know it's extremely" "Disrespectful..." "But I had to know." "Gabriel:" "I don't know" "What the big deal is." "It was just a bee-Jay." "I hope I'm just not" "Some fuck-buddy to you." "No, that's..." "That's not what I meant." "Then why don't you say" "What you mean?" "It's not a big deal." "You know, I really liked you." "But you're just some" "Gay cliche." "No, look." "I just..." "Why is that you don't know" "What you have until he yells" "At you and swears he never" "Wants to see you again?" "There's a lot of fish" "In the sea." "But he's the only one" "I want to mount now." "You do realize you always" "Liked him but were too afraid" "To admit it yourself?" "Why didn't you say" "Anything to me?" "I did." "I have an idea." "Let's get out of here." "You don't even know" "Who the father is yet." "If I plan it," "The groom will come." "You're completely insane." "Hey..." "Can I plan my wedding too?" "Why not?" "Let's do it." "Right?" "Okay." "How do I look?" "Tell me the truth." "You look..." "Better than me." "Ha ha ha ha!" "I know." "And the tiara's" "A nice touch." "I know, right?" "It's cute." "Angela:" "Does he look" "Familiar?" "What about him?" "Hello, baby." "No?" "Please tell me" "It's not this guy." "Not familiar?" "Honesty is the key" "To all relationships." "But if you can fake it," "You're in." "Nobody dies a virgin." "Life screws us all." "So, what do I do" "About Lawrence?" "Men are like roses..." "Watch out for the pricks." "Where are you getting" "These one-liners from anyways?" "The Internet?" "How'd you know?" "What?" "!" "You finally learned" "How to use the Internet, dad?" "Becky taught me." "You're like the dog carrying" "The bone over the bridge." "As he was crossing the bridge," "He saw this reflection." "He thought it was another dog" "With a bone." "So he reached for the other" "Bone." "He lost both bones." "You're the dog," "Lawrence is the bone." "Okay, so what do I do?" "You jump in and fetch" "The bone." "But what if the bone" "Doesn't want to be found?" "You keep looking." "A good bone is hard to find." "Ha ha ha ha!" "You should put that" "On a fortune cookie!" "Angela:" "I want you" "To know I've changed." "I'm gonna be a different" "Person now, okay?" "You need some serious help." "She can hear you." "Go away from the light!" "Weirdo." "All right, who's next?" "Mystery man." "Hmm." "You know, the one" "I keep hooking up with." "Yes." "Mm-hmm." "Hot." "Mm-hmm." "( Stops laughing abruptly )" "Oh." "Okay, hot or not?" "Hot." "Yeah, definitely." "But more importantly," "Gay or straight?" "Straight." "How do you know?" "My straight-dar" "Is tingling." "Hmm." "See?" "I told you." "And there it is." "All right, off you go, girl." "Shoot for happy days to make" "For happy nights." "( Slap )" "Oh!" "Okay." "Good one." "It's supposed to be a girl" "And her dog at the park." "What does it look like to you?" "I see courage." "Those lines are painted with" "Such aggressive intention," "It makes me think the artist" "Doesn't care what you think" "About her." "You're on crack." "Honesty." "Nice." "Honest Angela." "Crackhead Jefferson." "Nice to meet you." "Nice to meet you, too." "Do you want to come?" "No." "Do you?" "Just pull out" "Before you come." "( Both panting, moaning )" "( Dialing )" "Sorry." "I need your signature here." "Yeah." "Okay." "Hey, don't forget, we have" "Dinner with the kengs" "At six-thirty tonight." "Okay, great." "Thanks." "Okay, so..." "Hey, do you have a minute?" "Yeah." "What's up?" "Um... ( Cell phone rings )" "I was thinking..." "Hold on." "Hi." "No, of course I have a second." "What are you doing?" "Unbelievable." "What are you doing tonight?" "Well, I'm hanging out" "With you." "Okay, then." "I'll call you later." "Bye." "Okay." "The mayor cancelled." "His mom had a heart attack." "Why are you smiling?" "Could you do me a favor?" "We're closed." "( Laughs ) I'm kidding." "Chalamushi." "Because flowers are so cliche." "I had them close for us tonight." "I know the owner." "He let me use the kitchen." "And I thought..." "The real thing would" "Inspire you." "Who are you?" "What exactly do you do," "Mr. Lee?" "He's running for" "City council." "Thanks." "Why didn't you tell me" "You were a politician?" "I liked the fact" "That you didn't know." "Thank you." "You really made all this" "For me?" "It was nothin'." "Don't be Asian." "So..." "How long you been drawing?" "Oh, my life is boring." "Let's talk about you." "How does it feel to be" "A big-time politician?" "Well, I'm not a big-time" "Politician." "I'd vote for you." "Really?" "You don't even know" "What I stand for." "Okay, Hitler:" "Bad or good?" "Bad." "See?" "I'd vote for you" "Already." "Okay." "Family values" "Are important to me." "I'm pro-business..." "Okay, maybe I wouldn't" "Vote for you after all." "But my sister would." "Really?" "What's she" "Doing right now?" "She sounds like" "The better sibling." "I'm just kidding." "Ha ha." "You're funny." "That's a good thing." "I didn't" "Think conservatives had" "A sense of humor." "Wow." "Okay, where do you see" "Yourself in five years?" "What is this," "A job interview?" "I'm just curious." "I see myself running for" "The State Senate," "And I'd be married," "With two kids." "And we'd have a big house" "With a big yard," "A dog and an s.U.V." "What about you?" "Where do you" "See yourself in five years?" "I like your answer." "Garlic ice cream," "Corn ice cream," "And kimchi ice cream." "How about, um, we just" "Go back to my place?" "What if I don't tell him" "I'm pregnant right away?" "Get him to fall in love with me" "And convince him he's the" "Baby's dad." "What if the baby doesn't" "Look anything like him?" "You're missing the point." "He likes me, and I like him." "Dad:" "Hey!" "If you two" "Slowpokes keep talkin'," "You'll never keep up with us!" "Honey, he's gonna find out." "You have a better plan?" "No." "And what do I know?" "Lawrence still hasn't called me." "You're pathetic." "Can I tell you something?" "You promise you won't laugh?" "You know I can't" "Promise you that." "I'm, uh..." "Thinking about re-virginizing." "And I want you to do it with me." "I found a group that'll" "Help us start over." "We can wear white to" "Our wedding." "And it'll mean something." "Virgins are happier," "Healthier, and more intelligent" "Than those who engage in" "Pre-marital sexual intercourse." "But more importantly, the" "Fornicators will go to hell..." "While the righteous virgins" "Live eternally in heaven." "(Whispers) This is weird." "Who wants to go to hell?" "All:" "Hell, no!" "Both:" "Uh, hell, no." "Please raise your right hand" "And repeat after me." "I swear that I will no longer" "Engage..." "All:" "I swear that" "I will no longer engage..." "In deviant bodily" "Temptations of any kind..." "In deviant bodily" "Temptations of any kind..." "Until I get married." "Until I get married." "That means even" "Sinful self-pleasure." "Now, if everyone can stand" "In line..." "That's it?" "Oh!" "Okay, so, we just have to get" "Cleansed and sign the virginity" "Pledge and not engage in any" "Sex, and we get our purity back." "This is easier than" "Getting a driver's license." "Really?" "Becky:" "Do you think dad" "Is losing his mind?" "He seems happy." "How can you say that?" "He's miserable!" "That is exactly why" "He's acting like you." "You know, it is time that" "You both learn to settle down" "And take a deep breath," "You know?" "( Inhales, exhales )" "I'm already searching" "For the father, and I really" "Like one of them." "Marry him!" "I'm working on it." "What's his name?" "Jefferson Lee." "Like the guy running" "For city council?" "I see his signs everywhere." "Flour..." "Put your hand on the corner..." "Okay." "Move it forward..." "You know, you really should" "Show your art." "Who wants to look" "At crayon food?" "Trust yourself." "He thought I could sell them." "I know." "What do you think" "I've been saying this" "Whole time?" "You should get rid of" "These pledges." "It's kind of creepy." "Oh, that reminds me." "I got you a gift." "Look, we can be twins." "Thanks." "So ungrateful." "( Doorbell rings )" "( Gasps, laughs )" "The wedding planner!" "Here you go." "Woman:" "Thank you." "You're welcome." "So..." "When do you two plan on" "Getting married?" "Uh, no." "Ha ha!" "Who's the lucky one, then?" "Uh..." "You're both getting married?" "Yeah." "To different people?" "Yeah." "But they don't know it yet." "Right." "See, if we plan it," "They will come." "Yeah." "So, do you think we can" "Get a 2-for-1 discount?" "Well, the meeting went well." "( Laughs )" "She looked at us like" "We were gonna kill her and put" "Her head in the freezer." "Until we gave her" "The cash deposit." "Ha ha ha ha!" "Ha ha ha ha ha!" "You're drunk!" "Oh..." "Oh, maybe I should" "Call Lawrence." "Unh-unh." "Drunk dialing" "Is so unattractive." "No." "Come on." "Go to bed." "Upsy-Daisy." "That's disturbing." "Don't tell me you're" "Stalking him now." "Everybody has a stalker" "Nowadays." "I don't have a stalker." "That's 'cause you are" "The stalker." "I'm not stalking him." "Okay." "When's the last time" "You went out?" "I just don't feel like it" "Anymore." "You need to go out" "And have some fun." "Fun?" "How am I supposed to" "Have any fun?" "No, no, no, don't, don't." "What is it about him?" "He makes me want to be" "A better guy." "( Cash register beeping )" "Hey." "Hi." "Gabriel's a good guy." "He's a little slutty, but" "Slutty's better than insane," "Right?" "A dollar five." "At least he doesn't" "Hear voices." "I dated" "A couple of guys who" "Heard voices, one who" "Even heard God." "It was good to see you." "Look, he's sorry." "Absolutely repentant." "Seventy-five cents." "For whatever it's worth," "I've never seen him this" "Pathetic before." "Next." "Lawrence:" "Hi." "Woman:" "A pack of cigarettes." "Four ninety." "He even became" "A born-again virgin for you!" "That's just..." "Weird." "People do the weirdest things" "When they're in love." "I've known Gabriel forever." "I've never seen him" "Like this before." "I'm gonna do it!" "Don't try and stop me!" "He hates my guts." "Maybe if you just apologize" "To him he'll take you back." "Really?" "What would I say?" "How about that you're sorry" "And that you're an asshole?" "Yeah, that's good." "I need to write that down." "Hey, I thought you were gonna" "Get mystery man to fall in love" "With you and convince him" "It's his kid." "I was joking." "Uh, no you weren't." "I need to figure out who the" "Father is no matter what." "Oh, really?" "'Cause I have" "An idea." "Why don't we just, um," "Eenie-meenie-minee-mo, catch" "A baby daddy by the toe." "Here he is." "Here's the daddy." "Can we talk about me now?" "Huge!" "So my sister tells me" "You sell boxes." "Uh..." "Um..." "Yeah, i..." "I'm just..." "Relax." "I don't bite." "Well, there was that one guy." "Never mind." "( Chuckles nervously )" "Um..." "I'm just, uh..." "I'm not used to dating" "Beautiful girls like you." "You're nice." "Yeah, that's what girls say" "When they don't like someone." "Which is fine, i..." "Let's just bypass all the" "Drama that comes with dating," "Okay?" "And just be friends?" "Well, um, so long." "It was nice meeting you." "Uh, I thought we were" "Just friends." "Haven't you heard of fwb?" "Uh, no." "Friends with benefits." "( Unzips zipper )" "Oh, my God!" "You're hung" "Like a dinosaur!" "Yeah." "Wow!" "Wow!" "Ohh!" "Wow!" "Oh, no!" "Oh, no!" "Oh no what?" "Uh, I think the condom broke." "So, I asked you to come today" "Because..." "I'm pregnant," "And you might be the father." "Pregnant?" "I'm gonna be a father!" "Ha ha!" "I'm gonna be" "A father!" "I'm gonna be a father!" "Oh, no, no, no, no." "It's not for sure though." "No, it's for sure." "How do you know" "It's for sure?" "Because you're the only one" "I've been with." "Ha ha ha!" "I'm gonna be a father!" "I told you that already." "Sorry." "I love you!" "Sorry, i..." "I'm sorry." "I do, but I shouldn't have..." "No, I should have." "I love you." "I love you." "I do." "I love you." "* taking a trip * to forget where I live * off the Avenue * and I wanna go * where the people... ( Song continues )" "Hey." "I thought you were" "In Sacramento." "Ah, you know," "I came back early." "Wanted to see you." "Oh..." "Hey." "Let's get" "Some ice cream." "Oh, my God!" "What are you," "Twelve?" "Ice cream?" "Get a room!" "Ohh!" "Ohh!" "Smile." "Stand up straight." "( Knocks on door )" "Hi." "I, uh, I feel badly about" "The way it ended." "Those are nice flowers." "They're for a nice guy." "Take them." "That's so romantic." "They'll make you feel better." "( Exhales )" "You know, you're right." "I feel much better now." "( Mouthing words )" "Oh, um..." "I, uh," "I wanted to apologize," "And I wanted to tell you that" "I'm an asshole..." "And, uh, I won't drop" "The bone again." "The bone?" "What are you" "Talking about?" "What?" "!" "Is Angela out there?" "Um..." "For moral support." "Look, can I come in?" "Nod your head if someone" "Else is in there." "Nod again if he's more" "Fabulous than me." "Nod if he's way more" "Fabulous than me." "Angela:" "Gabriel," "We should get going." "It was good to see you" "Again, Lawrence." "This way." "Come on." "Why aren't you working on" "Your invitation list?" "There's no point." "Suit yourself." "Do you really believe" "He's gonna marry you?" "I do." "Does he know about" "Your condition?" "Not yet." "I hope you're planning on" "Telling him soon." "I am." "I am." "You don't even know" "Anything about this guy." "I googled him and" "Nothing too bad came up." "You know he's a republican," "Right?" "No one's perfect." "They hate gay people." "There are gay Republicans," "Too." "All right, what's his" "Favorite color, then?" "I've been in a relationship" "For years and not known that." "You're just jealous." "I found my man." "I know what" "His favorite color is." "It's orange." "Do you know Fred's" "Favorite color?" "Blue." "She's..." "Tiny." "It's a he." "Do you have a name" "Picked out already?" "Tiny." "( Laughs ) She's kidding." "You're kidding." "The best thing about being" "Pregnant is that it's an excuse" "To buy a whole new wardrobe." "You don't have to do this." "This is already the happiest" "Day of my life." "Listen to me." "Get married to Carlton." "Carlton?" "Isn't that why you" "Brought him along?" "No!" "He's my newest stalker." "Well, look, it doesn't matter" "If he's the father or not." "Desperate times call" "For desperate measures." "Can I borrow a quarter?" "What are you doing?" "( Mouths words )" "( Romantic French song )" "Mmm." "You really should have" "Been a chef." "Hmm. ( Chuckles )" "How'd you get in politics?" "Ah, well, my father" "Was a politician." "And his father before him." "And his father." "Was in politics?" "Do you even like it?" "You should quit." "I could see you on" "Iron chef America." "It's not that easy." "Can I ask you some questions?" "Only if it's not about" "My choice of careers." "What's your favorite color?" "Green." "Mine is red." "If you get to an intersection" "And you don't know which way" "To turn, do you go left" "Or right?" "Left." "Is that" "The right answer?" "I would go left, too." "How many more questions" "Do you have?" "One more question." "What if I told you" "I was pregnant?" "Would you make an honest" "Woman out of me?" "I thought you'd be happy." "( Clears throat )" "I am." "So..." "Is that a yes?" "I'm already engaged." "Go." "Okay, look, Angela..." "Go!" "( Door opens, closes )" "I can't believe he wouldn't" "Tell me something like that." "Weren't you kind of keeping" "Something important from him," "Too?" "I'm just sayin'." "What am I gonna do now?" "Fuck it." "I'll marry you." "We can be virginal and married." "That oughta make us eligible" "For sainthood." "What about your" "Commitment issues?" "We bicker all the time" "Anyway." "We're practically" "Married already." "That is true." "I'm kinda cute." "You're very cute." "In fact, you're very hot." "It's gonna be all right." "Promise?" "Yep." "We'll figure it out." "Okay." "I hear you got dumped." "No more Internet advice." "I'm not in the mood." "Well, it wouldn't have" "Worked out anyway." "What's that supposed" "To mean?" "I'm tired of seeing you get" "Into these relationships and" "Watching them all end" "The same way." "And how long have you known him?" "Almost four months." "You can't expect to" "Know someone that soon." "You'll meet someone else." "Easy for you to say." "You're young." "What's the rush?" "I'm ready to share my life" "With somebody." "And someday you'll meet" "Someone who'll make you..." "I can't wait that long." "Why?" "Because I'm pregnant." "Is he the father?" "Can you help me?" "( Grunting )" "Lord." "( Panting )" "You think I'm fat, huh?" "I didn't say anything." "God, who's gonna want to" "Marry a whale?" "It's gonna be okay." "Get away from me!" "I'm sorry." "Say something." "You look like" "One of those cute whales..." "From seaworld." "Let me get a look at you." "Oh, God." "(Romantic music on boombox)" "What the hell is that?" "Nice-but-boring guy." "He turned into stalker guy" "Ever since I told him he could" "Be tiny's dad." "Mm-mm-mm." "Baby papa drama." "Don't change yet." "Why?" "Trust me." "Hey." "Is that for you?" "Don't ask." "Hey." "You look beautiful." "( Turns off music )" "I invited him." "Thought he should see you" "Before you're forced" "To marry me." "This was a mistake." "No." "If abba can get back together," "I'm sure you two can work out" "Your differences." "Abba never got back together." "Hey." "Look, I messed up..." "And I'm sorry." "It's just..." "I'm 30 years old and I've" "Never done this before." "And I got scared." "Tell me something" "I don't know." "You're the only one" "I want to be with..." "And I'm ready to make" "A commitment to you." "No ring?" "( Laughs )" "What is that?" "Steak fat sandwich with Mayo," "Sirochi sauce, velveeta cheese" "And pickles." "Can't get enough" "Of these." "That looks good." "Yeah?" "Mmm!" "Mmm!" "So this is the last" "Candidate, huh?" "Hmm." "Mr. hottie." "Can we just fuck?" "( Angela panting )" "Ohh!" "Whoo!" "I can't believe" "You just faked that." "( Clears throat )" "I..." "I came a little." "I've been on the other side" "Of that face before." "What can I do to make you" "Feel more..." "Satisfied?" "Fuck me in the ass with this" "While I masturbate?" "And no, I-I'm not gay." "Okay." "Do you want us" "To go with you?" "No." "I got this." "Bye, mommy." "I've been thinking a lot" "About you since that night." "By the way, what..." "What happened to you?" "You're fat." "I'm pregnant, retard." "Congratulations." "You're one" "Of the contenders." "I'm gonna need a sample" "From you." "Fuck me with your fingers" "While I jizz into it?" "* I wanna fight in the night * fight, run a red light * drink cyanide * get fucked tonight" "* I wanna get high * get a white line, drink wine * smoke, nice time" "* I wanna get wasted" "* I'll do what I want" "* I'll do it better * than you do... ( Turns on shower )" "You know I'll take care" "Of the baby." "I wish things were" "Different, too." "It's okay." "I wouldn't have" "Chosen me either." "Let's just pretend" "We never met." "Okay?" "That's the saddest thing" "I've ever heard." "Excuse me." "Nikki:" "And I have a town" "Meeting on Friday, but I think" "It would be advantageous to meet" "With the business owners first," "Get their points of interest," "And then meet with the mayor." "What do you think?" "I can't marry you." "I'm in love with another woman." "I am so glad you said that." "You've always been like" "A brother to me, and so sex" "Is a little icky, but..." "Who's gonna tell our parents?" "I'll tell 'em." "I still haven't given up yet." "Are you talking to" "Your stomach again?" "So, um..." "What if none of them" "Are the father?" "One of them has to be." "I meant to give you that" "Earlier." "According to him, anyway." "( Indistinct chatter )" "( Slurring ):" "Here's to the" "Best fuckin' people I ever" "Met in my life!" "Woman:" "I love you," "You are my best friend." "( Drunken chatter )" "What are you looking at?" "You're looking at my" "Best friend ever." "I love you." "I..." "Remember that." "Really?" "Do you remember what" "Happened next?" "( Kissing, panting )" "Oh... ( Unzips zipper )" "God, I thought" "It was a dream." "How was I?" "Ha ha ha ha!" "Uh..." "Let's just say I'm not" "Gonna switch teams" "Anytime soon." "Blood would have been fine." "How long is this gonna take?" "Well, I don't advise you" "Having a paternity test until" "After the baby is born." "There's an increased risk of" "Miscarriage." "Do you know what I had to go" "Through to get these?" "It's safer for the baby" "This way." "Can't you just give me" "A hint?" "A little one?" "I'm so sorry." "I wish I had told you" "Everything." "I broke up with my fiancee." "Angela..." "Would you do me the honor" "Of marrying me?" "No!" "Marry me!" "Angela, marry me!" "( Bottle clatters to floor )" "Your ex?" "Something like that." "Angela!" "I want to do the right thing!" "Will you marry... ( vomiting )" "( Coughing )" "Oh, my God." "Did you really break up" "With her?" "I hope that's a yes." "That's a definite yes." "This is the ring my father" "Gave my mother." "So what do you say?" "No." "No, you say no," "Angela, you say no..." ""No, I will not marry you." ""I will not." You say no, okay?" "I..." "I love you." "But first..." "Who's Nikki?" "( Chuckles )" "Nikki is..." "She's practically" "A sister to me." "We've both always known" "It wasn't right." "Our parents practically" "Set the whole thing up." "I've never loved her." "I love you." "That's good enough for me." "Wait." "I have your ring, too." "Give me your hand." "I haven't had a chance" "To re-size it yet." "It'll fit on your pinkie." "Spit it out." "My parents are" "Really traditional." "They'd want us to get married" "Before we had the baby." "No problem." "Gabriel and I" "Already planned the whole" "Thing out." "How about next week?" "Yeah, right." "I'm serious." "Really?" "Uh-huh." "Okay." "Okay." "Aaaah!" "Oh!" "I always knew" "You could do it!" "I'm gonna go tell Fred" "The good news." "Are you in love with him?" "What do you think?" "You have no idea what" "You're getting yourself into." "Everything's just starting to" "Come together the way it's" "Supposed to." "Look, all relationships" "Are marathons, not a sprint." "I'm a sprinter." "All I'm asking is that" "You slow it down..." "For once." "Mmm." "Hello, tiny." "Hello, mommy" "And future wife." "Mmm." "I told my parents" "The good news." "They invited you and your family" "Over for brunch." "Jefferson." "Why don't you show our guests" "Around the house, huh?" "Jefferson." "Angela, do you mind" "Keeping us company?" "Please watch your step." "So, uh, welcome to" "Our humble abode." "Jefferson..." "Look, a jacuzzi!" "You think we're making" "A mistake, I know." "My parents think the same thing." "It really doesn't matter" "What I think." "You know, I was almost your age" "When I married Angela's mother." "I always wished that somebody" "Had sat me down and talked to me" "About the birds and the bees." "Mr. Yang, with all due" "Respect, Angela and I already" "Know about the birds" "And the bees." "Okay..." "Let's just talk bees, then." "One bee." "A bee is devoted to a single" "Queen its whole life." "Its very existence depends on" "Keeping her alive." "I don't plan on pollinating" "Any other flowers, sir." "What I'm really trying" "To say is..." "I want you..." "To love my daughter." "Sir, I love Angela in" "More ways than she knows." "Then welcome to the hive!" "Thank you." "Jefferson never wanted to be" "A policeman or fireman like" "The other boys." "He always wanted to be a mayor..." "Like his grandfather" "Back in Taiwan." "And when he found out that" "The president is higher than" "The mayor, he wanted to be" "President!" "Ha ha ha ha!" "I think he'd make" "A great chef." "Ha ha ha ha!" "Jefferson can't cook!" "No!" "( Mother crying )" "Oh." "Oh... oh, dear." "Oh, no, no, dear, dear." "Angela, she doesn't mean" "Anything by this." "It's just that this all came" "As a shock to us." "I think we will all feel better" "If you took a paternity test." "That way there'd be no question" "As to who the father is." "Yes dear, yes dear." "Kleenex." "It's all right." "It's okay." "( Music blares )" "This is gonna be" "Your father, tiny." "Try your best to look" "Like him, okay?" "Hey." "I can't go through" "With this." "Oh, I know, I know." "I'm nervous too." "I can't believe we found people" "Who would actually marry us." "Can I get you anything else?" "It's your bachelor party." "Go." "Have some fun." "Okay." "All right, I'll check" "On you in a bit." "Eee!" "Oh... oh!" "Oh!" "Big!" "What do you think it'll be" "Like when you two grow old?" "Will you still be in love?" "Will you have sex?" "Will you bicker?" "We'll be wrinkled." "That's all I'm sure of." "And that doesn't bother you?" "I'm pretty sure we'll be" "Wrinkled together." "Knowing that, it's enough." "And hopefully by then Gabriel's" "Too senile to fight and has his" "Hands on a lot of Viagra." "( Knock on door )" "You wanted to see me?" "I'll be back." "Okay." "I feel awful." "Oh, well," "You look beautiful." "Thank you." "You know, your mother and I" "Lived our entire lives as" "Strangers, only because we" "Couldn't trust each other" "Enough to tell the truth." "But you both seemed" "So happy." "Well, she was..." "She was good at pretending" "That everything was okay." "But she was bitter and angry" "When..." "When she realized" "That her fantasy was not real." "Your sister is about ten years" "Away from that realization." "Please..." "Don't make the same mistakes" "We did." "Be honest." "You owe it to Jefferson," "And you owe it to yourself." "Angela?" "It's time." "Where are you parents?" "They couldn't make it." "Man:" "Now, if the grooms will" "Please begin their vows." "I want to marry you" "Because..." "I want to wake up in the morning" "And see your face next to mine." "Because..." "I knew you were the one before" "I even met you." "Because I want to grow old" "With you..." "And sit on a porch swing..." "And laugh about how foolish" "I sound right now." "Well, what if when we grow" "Old we don't to share a porch" "Swing and laugh?" "I don't know." "Maybe, then, we can cry" "Instead of laugh..." "About how it wasn't exactly" "How we thought it would be." "And maybe after all those tears" "It will be the way we wanted" "It to be." "Maybe." "All I'm asking for is" "Complete and total honesty," "No matter what." "You promise?" "I do." "( Applause )" "Wow." "I, uh... ( Clears throat )" "I..." "I'm not followin' that!" "( Laughter )" "Um..." "I promise everything they said." "You don't even know me." "How can you promise that?" "Uh..." "What are you talking about?" "There's a one-in-five chance" "You could be the father." "I won't know until after" "Tiny's born." "I'm not the father?" "I don't know right now." "And I wouldn't blame you if you" "Turned around and walked away." "I'm a slut." "How's that fit into" "Your perfect life?" "( Crying softly )" "Angela!" "Angela!" "So maybe you're not perfect." "I know I'm not." "All I've ever really been good" "At in my life is following" "Orders." "I've just always been scared..." "Scared of disappointing people." "I choked under the pressure," "And..." "The only reason I even" "Got into law school was because" "My dad had to buy me in." "Don't you see?" "We're both perfectly imperfect." "But I still can't marry you." "I thought I wanted what" "You can offer me..." "The perfect family with" "The perfect life." "But I don't want that anymore." "I'm sorry." "I need some time by myself." "Lawrence:" "Those are valuable." "For what it's worth, I think" "You're doing the right thing." "So, um, does this mean you're" "Not looking for the sperm donor" "Anymore?" "We'll be okay." "But I wanted to ask you two" "If you would be his fathers." "Can I name him?" "No." "No." "(Knock on door )" "Sister:" "Angela!" "Angela!" "Oh, God." "Angela, I can hear you!" "Open this door!" "Are you... are you crazy?" "What were you thinking?" "!" "This is my life, not yours." "I'll do what I need to" "To take care of tiny." "And as far as living your" "Life..." "You can have it." "It's not me." "* I like boys from Africa" "* South America and Asia" "* I like boys from..." "So, what do you think?" "These are really good." "Why didn't you show me" "These earlier?" "Oh, good." "I was starting to" "Wonder if we were gonna be able" "To afford to raise this kid." "So seriously, how much?" "Let's see what the buyers" "Think." "Okay. 'Cause we just" "Want him to eat." "( Rhythmic breathing )" "Shut up!" "You're disinvited" "From the birth." "Fine." "You're doing it wrong." "Go wait in the car." "( TV on )" "Guys..." "I think I'm having a baby." "Yeah, yeah, yeah," "We know, we know." "No, right now." "Hmm?" "Yeah." "Okay, we want to call" "Dr. Richards." "We want to call your dad." "We're going!" "We're gonna go" "Right now!" "She's gonna have a baby!" "Oh, my God!" "Oh, my God..." "Angela:" "I thought I'd spare" "You the icky details." "After fourteen hours of labor," "And an eternity of pushing..." "You were born." "Before that point, I've never" "Been sure of anything" "In my life." "Now I'm sure of one thing..." "No matter who the father is..." "You're all mine." "It's nice to finally meet you" "Face-to-face." "I love you." "Here are the results" "Of the paternity test." "I knew it." "Hi." "He looks just like me." "He looks nothing like you." "No?" "No." "Come..." "Meet your new nephew" "Tupac." "I'm just messing with you." "Oh." "Right." "Hi, little mother." "( Baby cooing )" "Hello, grandson." "( Laughing )" "Gabriel:" "So, um..." "Did you ever find out" "Who the father was?" "Yep." "Is it me?" "No." "So who is it?" "It doesn't matter anymore." "How'd you figure it out?" "( Gabriel laughs )" "You don't want to know." "I'm sorry, Carlton." "He's not yours." "**..." "He seemed like" "Such a nice guy." "Oh, he'll be fine." "He's got a huge..." "Gabriel." "Huge." "I didn't know that" "They came in that size." "Here, let me hold him." "No." "Angela and I decided that" "You shouldn't hold the baby" "Anymore." "I didn't mean to drop him." "( Baby cooing )" "Great, baby." "Thank you, dad." "Thank you." "Congratulations." "Oh!" "I love you!" "Congratulations, Angela." "Thank you so much." "Thank you." "Hey." "Hey." "Glad you came." "Well, um..." "Congratulations." "I, um, well, I was surprised" "You invited me." "I wanted to call you and i..." "No, no." "No." "Let's start over." "Jefferson Lee." "Former politician" "Turned struggling cook." "Almost married twice..." "In love once." "And you are?" "Happy to see you." "Angela:" "And then we all" "Lived happily ever after." "Or that's what everyone" "Wants to hear." "Really, tiny, it doesn't matter" "Who I end up with." "The most important thing is" "That you do what you want," "No matter what other people" "Think." "And I'll always support you" "No matter what." "But you should do everything" "I say, all the time, at least" "Until you're eighteen" "Or in college, and then you can" "Do whatever you want." "God knows I did." "But that's another story." "**..." "* I wanna fight in the night * run a red light * drink cyanide * get fucked tonight" "* I wanna get high * get a white line, drink wine * smoke, nice time * wanna get wasted" "* I'll do what I want" "* I'll do it better * than you do" "* I'm just a crazy * fucked-up bitch" "* I'm just a crazy * fucked-up bitch" "* I'm just a crazy * fucked-up bitch * does that make you nervous?" "* that I look helpless * maybe I'm not * you're just caught in a line * in a violent song" "* I'll get what I want" "* I'll get it better * than you do" "* I'm just a crazy * fucked-up bitch" "* I'm just a crazy * fucked-up bitch" "* I'm just a crazy * fucked-up... **..." "( New song begins )" "* tell me * is love an urban legend * or some test of * continuing education * buy your answers * from some guy named pinky * in a darkened alley * halfway to noho" "* I am lookin' for * the perfect snowcone * holding one end * of a wishbone * calling God on a cellphone * yeah * carnival junkie * in love with a freak * don't wanna be figured out" "* don't analyze me * this not a head * and it's not a heart * just a soul * too funky for your mother * yeah" "* passed out in the fountain * with some pennies * of somebody else's * fortune * fortunately for you" "* I bide my time pacifying * everyone but me * what make me happy?" "* leap year and Blackjack" "* I am needing more * than food and water * a man to be his daughter * a reason I should bother * carnival junkie * in love with a freak * don't wanna be figured out * don't analyze me" "* this is not a head * and it's not a heart * just a soul * too funky for your mother * yeah" "* I don't think so" "* there's a tiger in my bedroom * a fire in the front yard * fat little egos on the TV * nielson rating the moonbeams * you better leave * before you beg" "* I see that tail * between your legs * it's not my fault" "* I made you blush * it's all those carnivals * you have crushed" "* needing more * than food and water * a man to be his daughter * a reason I should bother" "* I am lookin' for * the perfect snowcone * holding one end of a wishbone * calling God on a cellphone * oh yeah * carnival junkie * in love with a freak * don't wanna be figured out" "* don't analyze me * this is not a head * and it's not a heart * just a soul * it's just a soul, yeah * carnival junkie * in love with a freak * don't wanna be figured out" "* don't analyze me * this it not a head * it's not heart... **"