"Guess what guys." "I have a special meeting in the drill silo today." "And I'm gonna accidentally spill punch all over the motherboard disabling it forever." "We're all gonna be home by tomorrow morning." "Or dinner at the latest." "We can finally get those dragonita lava burritos we love so much." "I do not know how you fellows eat those things." "They're real anus blazers." "What can I say?" "I have a cast-iron stomach and a cement sphincter." " Right, stomach?" " S'alright." " Right, sphincter?" " S'alright." "Great news, Tina bear." "I've got a super new plan to destroy the drill at work." "By this time tomorrow, we'll all be home in hell." "But what about Mandy's Blaargmitzvah this Friday?" "Postponed." "Didn't you hear me?" "We're going home." "I heard you." "It's just that a demon girl's 15th birthday is the most important day of her life." "And you can't just throw a mother-daughter lava and fire Blaargmitzvar cage match to get her last minute in hell." "Hexagons are booked months in advance." "I love me some cage match." "I think Mandy will take it." "No offense, Tina." "She's scrappy." "Look, Balthy, can't you spill punch the day after tomorrow?" "I can't believe what I'm hearing." "I have punch ready for spillage, and you don't want to go home?" "No, of course I do." "I'm just thinking of Mandy." "You can't crush a young girl's spirit at such a crucial age." "The repercussions could have lifelong effects." "I can't believe you guys are fighting like crazy about a party that's supposed to be for me." "Doesn't anyone want to know what I want to do?" "Yes, Mandy." "What do you want to do?" "I don't care." "I know what I want to do." "Drop my panties all over you!" "Marty, punch yourself in the scrote" " Right now." " Yes, sir." "Hurt!" "That's for your wife giving me crabs." "Now, then, my marketing Jew crew decided it was time to show the world what kind of heat we're packing." "And that heat is this drill." "We've got the world's biggest drill." "We'd be meshugina not to show it off." "Put on your thinking thongs, people." "What's the panty-droppingest way we can debut our drill..." "Cheese plate." "You weren't listening, were you, you "brie-tard"?" "Not cool, son." "Say the word, and I will fake a diarrhea attack." "What's with the punch bowl, you knuckle monkey?" "This?" "I'm trying out different beverages for my daughter's Blaargmitzvah." "What in the name of Dr. and Mrs. Tyler and Katy Perry is that?" "Mother-daughter cage match in a hexagon." "Lava." "Balloon folding." "Mother-daughter cage match?" "Sweet throbbing loins of Loki!" "That's what we should do here in the drill silo." "We can call it "Fantastic 15"" "and market the living horse balls out of it." "We can even make a tv show." "Here's a tv show." "It's called "me having sex with Marty's wife"." "It's on every week while Marty's at the therapist." "Hurt." "So, when's the little tax deduction's birthday?" "Who?" "Mandy?" "It's Friday, but..." "That only gives us a couple of days." "In the meantime," "I'll buy out all three networks and NBC for a live telecast." "I feel the blood flowing to my marketing rod." "Call your wife." "Tell her to meet me at the Radisson." "Lobby, ladies room." "Room dismissed!" "My punch!" "Pazuzu, it's me, Balthy." "Over." "Remember how I brought that punch today so I could destroy the drill?" "Well, it got smashed." "Over." "How do I destroy the drill now?" "Over." "You want to destroy the drill?" " Am I in trouble?" " No." "Destroying the drill is all I've been trying to do for six whole months." "I just need... another set of hands." "Who are you?" "I'm Don Killbride's father, Mr. Killbride..." "Sr." "But you can call me..." "Milt." "Here's how this is gonna go." "We meet back here tomorrow." "Same time." "Bring more punch." "Is that how we're gonna destroy the drill?" "With more punch?" "No." "I just really love punch." "Now go!" "Don't tell anyone I exist." "And don't look at my face." "I'm hideous." "Great news, everyone." "I changed my mind, and Tina was right." "The blaargmitzvah is back on." "You screwed up the punch plan." "Technically, yes." "But as Dr. Phil says, when one door closes, an open window normally opens." "No offense, Balthy, but you're becoming the demon who cried wolfblark." "Why are you so sure your new plan's going to work?" "Because I've got an ace in the hole." "And that ace hole is someone I can't tell you about because I promised I wouldn't." "He's got an ace hole." "Now that the party is back on, I need to find my mink codpiece." "And Mandy and I need to work on our guillotine chokes." "There's probably no way that I can get out of this, is there, huh?" "Your only hope is to regain wrist control." "I'm sorry, Mandy pants." "I'll make it up to you." "I promise." "Come on, Mandy." "Let's practice some mother-daughter arm bars outside." "Josh, you come, too, and blow the whistle in our faces." "Can I try to guess who your ace hole is?" "Is it Valerie Bertinelli?" "Well, I'm out of guesses." "Milt?" "It is I. Milt." "So, how do we destroy the drill?" "First we exchange friendship necklaces." "Fun!" "I'll put mine on." "It says, "be-fri."" "Here's yours." "I love it." "What does mine say?" ""St-ends" of course." "I'll hold on to the key." "In my belly." "I'm revved up." "What's the plan?" "There are two key cards which operate a self-destruct mechanism on the drill." "I'm going to insert one." "You are going to insert the other." "Self-destruct mechanism?" "How do you know so much about the drill?" "Because I designed it." "Six months ago, on the day the drill was completed, my son tried to kill me." "I want the drill all to myself." "But he failed." "He thinks I'm dead." "Now..." "I spend my days lurking amongst the shadows" "Waiting patiently for the time to pounce..." "And destroy the thing he loves  the most." "Marty's wife?" "The drill." "You and I will carry out our dastardly deed this Friday." "I'm not sure I can do that." "Friday is Mandy's party, and it might ruin her special night." "If she had a bad time, I'd never forgive myself." "Look, I'll be honest with you." "It might get embarrassing for Mandy." "Well, then I'm gonna have to put a strong no-can-do on this arrangement." "Sorry." "My little girl only turns 15 once." "I'm afraid you don't have a choice." "You either help me destroy the drill on Friday, or your new choker becomes just that... a choker." "What?" "This necklace isn't very friends-y at all." "Here's how this thing is going to go." "You go home, and don't tell your family a thing about our little plan." "This necklace is filled with cameras and a microphone, and... choking springs." "If you try and warn your family..." "If you try and cancel the party..." "If you try and write something to warn someone or cancel something..." "Ice-cream headache!" "How can something hurt so much?" "Now get out of here." "And make sure your family gets to that party." "Geez." "Uncle Vlaartark, can I have a serious conversation with you?" "Of course." "Mom's been acting kind of crazy about my 15th birthday, especially with the cage match." "What's up with that?" "Let me tell you a story." "It's about a little girl about your age who never had a blaargmitzvah." "It threw her life off-course forever." "She married an idiot and lived the life of a wife of an idiot." "I'm talking, of course, about your mother." "Mom never had a blaargmitzvah?" "You know, there are some things that are too traumatic for children to process." "What's this on the floor?" "A nickel!" "Your mother's doing this for you, dear Mandy." "She's doing this for herself." "Maybe so." "But cut her a break, as the youngsters say." "It wasn't a nickel." "It's my dancing pasty." "Play it cool, Balthy boy." "I may be in the shadows, but I can still choke you from afar." "I can't wait to get in the hexagon tomorrow and really give Mandy the what for." " What's up with the hooker necklace?" " A man at work gave it to me?" "That's it." "Smooth style." "Mom, I'm canceling the party." "It's not for me." "It's for you." "And I don't think that's cool." "Fix this." "Mandy, honey." "You have to go to that party." "Stop it." "What's up with the big man?" "Want to die!" "You're losing it, mustang." "Bring it home." "Shut up, Milt." "Who's Milt?" "You have to go to the party." "You have to..." "For me." "Fine." "I'll go." "Party's back on!" "I just wanted to go to the prom!" "Of course you did." "Hello, teen America, and all the teens around the world." "This is "Fantastic 15"!" "Starring Criss Angel!" "The Kardashian family!" "And Barbara Mandrell!" "And a mother-daughter cage match in the hexagon featuring birthday girl, Mandy Hellman, and her smoking-hot mama, Tina!" "I'm your host, Don Killbride." "And these are the Petromundo drill dancers." "Grab yourself some warm soda." "We'll be right back after a word from these sponsors and their fine products from Petromundo." "Sick and tired of reusing catheters?" "Okay, I did my part." "Everyone's here, and the party's on." "Come, come." "Okay." "Here's your key card." "Here's mine." "Great." "So we'll just go in there right now and self-destruct the drill?" "We self-destruct the drill during the fight, so we kill everyone." "I'm starting to think you're off your rocker." "We can't kill these innocent teens and Criss Angel." "And we can't kill my family." "I will not insert that key card." "Silly fool." "You are the key... card." "That gorgeous choker is also a bomb." "That gorgeous choker is also a giant, gorgeous magnet." "This necklace is so versatile." "Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for the main event..." "Mother/daughter slapdown in the hexagon!" "Purple nurple?" "Isn't this everything you ever wanted your blaargmitvah to be?" "I never wanted a blaargmitzvah." "Dad?" " Dad?" " That's right." "Descending from the shadows, it's me, your hideously disfigured father." "You crusty turd licker." "You're alive." "There's a bomb in that freak's gorgeous magnet necklace." "Tina, get the kids and get out!" "Save yourselves!" "I'll be fine." "At least we completed the mission." "The mission doesn't matter if you're dead." "Turns out I survived that chemical fire you set in my pajamas, Donny." "Okay, so I tried to kill you." "You want revenge?" "Get in line." "We need to find the key to that necklace bomb magnet." "Where's the key?" "Milt swallowed it." "We were partners, Donny." "We ran Petromundo together." "Now you cut me out." "I'm gonna cut you..." "Into ribbons..." "With a bomb." "Wait, you're gonna blow yourself up, too?" "Of course." "I'm hideous." "Hideous!" "Would you want to live with this horrible, horrible face?" "I would." "I'm having such complicated feelings." " On my go." "High-low arm bars." " Got it!" "Well, this night's getting exciting again." "My remote!" "Balthatoob's safe, as long as there's no strange jostling or movement in my codpiece, all will be well." "Pazuzu, turn those gorgeous eyes away." "Who let Barbara Mandrell in here?" "Great job." "You hit the demagnetize button." "I did?" "Uncle Vlaartark got a boner." "Check it!" "The key!" "Pazuzu, hurry!" "Why are numbers counting down?" "Into the shadows with me!" "Game over, man." "Give it to me." "My big man!" "Are we all dead?" "No, hon bun bear." "You saved us all." "See, Tina?" "I told you I had a..." "cast-iron stomach." "S'alright." "Although my sphincter is gonna be mad as heck when the necklace passes." "I'm sorry your party was ruined, Mandy girl." "All I ever wanted was for you to have the blaargmitzvah that I never had." "I guess I just didn't want you to end up like me." "If not having a Blaargmitvah makes me end up like you," "I guess I'll take not having a blaargmitzvah." "Happy Birthday, Mandy." "I'll never get used to the squalor you live in." "Man, you are poor!" "I just wanted to come by and thank you." "If it wasn't for you and your goof-tard family, that drill would be destroyed." "You're welcome, sir." "Thank you back?" "Behold..." "I've decided to groom you to be my number two." "You mean your poopy?" "No, Hellman." "I don't mean my poopy." "I mean fast-track-ville to C.E.O. City." "Well, I have to go and wait till my father falls asleep in a stairwell so I can burn him alive with chemicals." "Have a nice supper." "That was Killbride?" "He is scary." "Really not a good person." "Happy blaargmitzvah, Mandy girl." "Thanks, Satan." "Buzzkill time." "You've been on earth for 10 weeks." "You have made no progress destroying the drill." "Tell me why I shouldn't cancel you right now." "Because we're fun to watch." "Shut your snarping butt mouth!" "I'm going on vacation to Ibiza." "When I come back, I'm going to expect results, or I'll find another family  guy!" "Family guy." "Satan out." " I love you guys." " We love you, too."