"News anchor:" "And now an update on the Ernie Krevitt scandal." "Krevitt bilked billions from his affluent clients, and is currently serving the first of his 132 consecutive life sentences." "After diligent work by forensic accountants, to find money in tax shelters including the Swiss municipality, Zug." "Krevitt will now begin paying restitution to his swindled clients." "Major investors can expect a return of 60 cents on the dollar." "Wow." "I don't know what my mother will be happier about." "Getting some of her money back or finishing jury duty." "Kids!" "I mean it's one thing to do your civic duty but what are the odds of getting sequestered?" "1 in 2700?" "It's like the only thing that could have gotten her out of our house." "Maybe there's something to be said for divine intervention after all." "Ha ha ha, maybe!" "Okay so the kids' schedules..." "Honey, I got this." "You focus on your show and becoming the next wunderkind of the art world." "You mean wundercorpse, I'm 42." "Well, at least it'll be a totally different day for you, hon." "You'll get to have wine with lunch!" "Make fun of pretentious people!" "Wear something vaguely sado-masochistic." "Okay." "So maybe not totally different." "Okay, lunches are packed." "Hazel and Miles have play dates after school." "I have a sitter picking up Dottie and running her to handwriting therapy." "So all you have to do is drop them off at school, after which I'm sure you'll get a full parade for being a hands-on-dad." "You're exaggerating as always." "And I love you and I will see you later at your art show!" "Bye, Miles." "Have a great day!" "Which one says, "My body may be a show pony, but my soul is the real workhorse?"" "Both shoes are stunning." "Obviously, but today I can't have my exceptional style overshadow my philanthropic work with ProvideHer." "Hm, go with the bows." "Hmm" "I just don't want him to be blinded by my beauty." "Do you think anyone would know who Mother Teresa is if she weren't a four?" "There's still a pretty good chance." "Derek Blasberg is Vanity Fair's official" "Man on the Street." "Being chosen as his Icon Interview for "Fashion Gives Back Week" is next level." "This is my chance to prove that I am an insp-her-ation, a lead-her , and above all, a giv-her ." "I'm so glad to her you say that, because I think it's time to discuss me transitioning from your SVP of Patterns slash Assistant to a position with no slash." "But as my slash assistant, it's your job not to let anyone bother me with trivial requests... including yourself!" "Especially on such an important day." "Right, it's just that I've been such an integral part of ProvideHer since its inception, it seems natural to roll me out with it." "Devon, titles and job descriptions are for factory workers and protagonists in '80s movies." "Your confidence in your own value is worth more than a seven figure salary, hm?" "Is it?" "Isn't it?" "Uh, I think this " " Derek is here." "Oh my God!" "Calmé." "We have so got this." "Hi, I'm Jill." "Roland." "You a collector?" "No these are mine." "I'm a photographer." "Oh." "This is amazing." "How did you make it?" "I outsource the construction of my work." "So you're like Santa Claude Monet with a little workshop of elves?" " Not at all." " Oh." "Concepts are my medium." "Well, with these photographs I was exploring the..." "I'm exploring moob size of working men aged 55 to 70." "Lex, hey!" "Just calling to say, congrats." "You must feel relieved to at least get some of your dough back." "Sure, I guess 105 mil in restitution is something." "Still pounding the proverbial pavement though." "Oh no bites?" "Oh they're biting." "Gnawing, actually." "I could sit on the board of Quantum Resources." "I could head up MeowMixer." "Andy:" "MeowMixer?" "Yeah, it's like Tinder for cats." "Anyway, I'm thinking about canceling my three o'clock with Zuck." "You have a meeting with Mark Zuckerberg?" " That's great!" " No, that's tomorrow." "Zuck is a translation app for hard-lispers." "So why do you sound depressed?" "I am like a shaft without an elevator." "Just pointless and taking up space." "You'll figure something out, Lex." "You always do." "From your mouth to my ears." "I'll talk to you later, okay?" "Hi, what can I get you?" "A Bloody Mary, please." "Sure." "That's tomato juice and... alcohol?" "First day?" "Sorry." "I'm just paying my way through law school." "Well it's a pretty basic drink." "It's all about the seasoning." "Pardon my eavesdropping." "Do you have any Old Bay?" "It's a seasoning that they put on crabs." "Food crabs, not..." "It's a seasoning." "Great question, Derek." "I think you'll find all my questions today" " are pretty great." " I'm sure." "Well, any millionaire can give unappreciated, unpaid women of the world educational opportunities or clean drinking water." "That's the cross-body bag of charity." " It's been done to death." " Exactly." "So I thought, do I want to give the destitute a way out of poverty, or... purpose?" "We thought it was a no-brainer." "Women don't need to be rescued, they need to be empow-her-ed." "I need to be rescued!" "It's like these women have better benefits than I do, and it feels like they are more appreciated." "Ultimately the message behind ProvideHer is that you too can make a bag." "But what's really motivating Von Weber's recent charitable initiative?" "Well I myself recently fell on some hard times and I had to pull myself up by my purse straps." "And in that struggle, I felt myself marching with women all over the world." "You did the Women's March!" " Yeah, so symbolically." " Oh." "Uh, this is the very first bag of the line." "It was handcrafted by a woman named Gopika who lost an arm in a tragic Diwali accident." "Damn elephants." "Given your message, aren't these bags a little bit pricey?" "Well..." "At Von Weber, we believe that price is what..." "During the crisis, other brands slashed their prices, but at Von Weber we have a saying," ""When they go low, we go high."" "I came up with that." "I'm absolutely positive you did not." "No I mean, in this context." "My work is a comment on the hypocrisy of the uniform." "At once imbuing the wearer with monolithic power while simultaneously rendering him impotent as an individual." "Jill." "Larry, thank you so much for this opportunity." "Jill Weber, this is Jerry Saltz, esteemed Art Critic for New York Magazine and Lena Dunham's godfather." "Jerry has a few questions for you." "So your photographs are a sublimation of the male gaze or payback for cat calls for men in uniform over a lifetime?" "Oh, no." "So you're stripping them naked to kind of further humiliate them or to exploit your power over them?" "Not at all." "It's a funny story actually." "I was shooting these doormen as a favor and um..." "I was trying to capture um..." "Well this-this one in particular um-it's um... a comment, it makes me feel better about my body." "Pervert." "Pick up Vanessa." "Leave a message, after the tone." "I don't know where you guys are but my next call is to the suicide hotline." "These Neiman Marxists don't just want to buy a photograph." "They want buy a feeling that they can hang over their free-standing soaking tub in the guest bath." " How'd it go with Jerry?" " So great." "Get here now!" "Your work is amazedicks." "What?" "!" "It's a thing." "Now tell me about it." "In photographing these men" "I got to know them and tried to capture their back story... and front story?" "Oh babe." "I'm totally Ben Carsoning, doing a job for which" "I am wholly unqualified." "But it's not bad, just sincere." "You're like a walking Ron Howard movie." "I'm Daryl Hannah in "Splash."" "A fish out of water." "Stop." "I just watched two men moved to tears over a video installation of a naked woman eating bologna playing with an abacus." "Ugh, go Foucault yourselves, people." "I have made a small fortune turning literal bird shit into the must-have facial of the moment." "All you need is a crash course in talking the talk." "Let's take a lap?" "Come on." "Okay, tell us what you see." "I see Dottie's Mother's Day gift circa 2014." "Okay, try, try a paradox like," ""it personifies the ecstasy of decay."" "Yeah, dig deep into your colon and pull out the bullshit." "Trust me." "I'm a doctor." "I see... um, a black hole where my lifelong dream used to be." "Jill, clearly this is a comment on class." "It is only on the backs of the working men and women that the elite can thrive." "And yet our economy ensures they remain an invisible majority." "So sad." "If you think this is profound, you must see Jill Weber's work." "She's a savant of observation." "Totally amazedicks." " Are you getting it?" " I think so." "Okay, let's look at this piece." "There's such beauty in its obsequious search for its owner." "Nobility in its proud solitude." "By George, I think she's got it." "How fitting." "My commentary on the human condition is an actual garbage can." "Let's try another one." "This is delicious." "I remember when I made my first one." " Mm." " It was for my father." "I was six." "Is your father still with us?" "Sadly, no." "Oh, I'm sorry." "Hey, we all gotta eat, right?" "Sharks are people too." "Anyway, enough about me, what's your story?" "I'm a retired city planner." " Hm." " Fourth generation." "Between my family and a handful of others we are responsible for this spoiled Utopia" " you call home." " Whoa, cool." "400 years ago, where you're sitting there was nothing but marshland and trees." "You could look outside the window and just see a velociraptor cruising by the Freedom Tower." "Well, not exactly..." "It's just like the Counting Crows always said," ""They paved paradise and they put up a parking lot."" "Oh God." "Oh God." "Um okay guys, um." "There's no more beer but there's still water if you're thirsty!" "You suck!" "All right." "Back off everybody." "We're all in here just trying our best." "I changed the keg." "I don't know what happened." "Once, at our annual Golf Pros and Tennis Hoes Party, a pledge brought an import keg with a domestic tap." "What did you do?" "Well, I made him shit his pants and then paint his face with it." "The Greek system is all about building character." "Go ahead, give it a shot." "Thank you!" "Since you're back there, care to mix me another one of your Bloodys?" "Are you trying to sabotage me?" "Of course not." "If you need something, let me know and I'll let someone else know." "I just think it is so important that we give this interview our undivided attention." "Enough with the "we"." "There is no "we" in Von Weber." "Quite literally there is." "It's not a collective "we,"" "it's more of a royal one." "Brooke, I am capable of a lot more than you think." "It's time you started to recognize that." "Now is not that time." "Today is about Brooke Von Weber not Devon Von Devon." "The last six years have been about Brooke Weber." "When I first hired you, you lived in a fourth floor walk up in Astoria." "I still live there!" "Brooke, I love you, but it is getting cold here in your shadow." "I need to know I have a future with you..." "And I need you to do what I hired you to do." "Period." "That is how "we" work." "Noted." " Hm." " Hm." "Is that a dick pic?" "I'm Bronwyn." "Pleased to meet you, I'm Jill Weber, the artist." "So you are." "Tell me about your work." "We'll see if you live up to the hype." "It's showtime." "Like these men, the camera sees all." "But even it is blinded by a uniform." "The garments that define these men obscure their corporeal physicality." "We, we see hands, we see a face, but we forget, friends, the beating heart." "My series endeavors to explore the tension and duality between intimacy and avoidance, leaving the observer left at a crossroads to ponder, who's really carrying the baggage?" "Congratulations, you just sold Carlton." "Now, excuse me while I go parlay this news into a feeding frenzy." "Worshipping you so hard." "I'm building an Easter Island statue of your head... full scale." "Head's up!" "I got it." "I don't know what I would have done without you." "Rule number 15 of Dartmouth bar-tending:" "never let a good girl go dry." "Bart-ending looks good on you, Lex." "That's my lot in life, Joe." "Everything looks good on me, just nothing feels right." "I'm not worried about you, kid." "They could drop you anywhere in the universe and you'll be fine." "Thank you." "Jennie, mix this man another Bloody." "On me." "Well actually on this small business in which I have no stake." "And thank you everyone for reminding me how incredibly awesome I am." "It's true I've been having a Lex-istential crisis, but no more." "I don't need some exit level position." "I need to go someplace special." "Someplace where I am uniquely needed." "From here on out," "I'm aiming for the stars." "You-you can't leave." "I'm not ready." "Yes, you are." "Um, no, she's not!" "Why not a local charity?" "I heard someone else is starting a foundation to empower gold diggers to stand up to their oppressors and divorce their husbands." "It's called Melania's Tower." "Well, in the Hamptons, I actively support efforts to eradicate female seasickness on yachts." "Marrying well is so important, but you have to feel well to do it." "Sorry to interrupt, Brooke, but what time would you like to make an appearance at Jill's art show?" "Uh, can you give us a second?" "Oh my bad." "I was just trying to do what you hired me to do." " So, Brooke." " Yes." " Why India?" " Maybe because she identifies with the caste system." "Such a sense of humor on this one." "That's why I keep him around, turning a blind eye to his bi-weekly sick day for anal hair removal." "Oh no, I'm half-Italian!" "The bottom half." "Oh funny." "Brooke, I thought you kept me around to return a phone call, send an email, schedule a colonic, and a $20,000 a month hair appointment." "You guys know I'm still here, right?" "And I'm taking notes?" "Devon, consider yourself relieved of all duties." "Effective immediately..." "after you write down the names of all my passwords." "And the names of the housekeepers." "And where I hide my jewels while they clean." "Did you just fire me?" "In front of me?" "Yes." "I did." "Wow." "Derek, I am so sorry you had to witness that." "If you don't have time to post the interview" "I completely understand." "I'm definitely publishing this story." "For a second I wasn't sure if I could get to the essence of Brooke Von Weber but I think I know exactly who you are." "Toodles Brooke." "Check you out with three red dots!" "Hon, I promise I didn't buy any of them." "You are a real artist." "Or am I just a bullshit artist?" "Madonna would argue that there is no difference." "Excellent point." "You are a muse to me." "Actually, you look exactly like the guy in that video." "Oh." "How do you refresh?" "Refresh, refresh, refresh!" "?" ""Brooke Von Weber;" "Boss Bitch or just a Bitch?"" "I need a drink." "Oh actually, do you have Whispering Angel?" "Oh no." "I'm not a waiter but..." "Oh Jill, words cannot describe the day I've had." "Actually they can." ""Many women in business"" "are so concerned with being liked that they're afraid to do what it really takes" ""to lead the charge."" "Are you sure you don't wanna read this?" "No, I can't..." ""But today I got a peek behind the pleated Von Weber valance"" "and saw firsthand a woman whose strong" ""sense of décor is bested only by her decorum."" "Whoa, Brooke!" ""BVW is living proof that it is possible to act like a role model and look like a runway model."" "Wow." "He really captured my essence." "Is today National Masturbation Day?" "Don't hate." "I make my living off these people." "You know what?" "A toast!" "To a triumphant night..." "Of my continued success." "By any means necessary." "Did she just quote Malcolm X?" "Mm-hmm."