"So I had just left the office and there it was, my dream come true of a chair." "Dad, tell me it's a joke." "I mean, tell me you haven't turned into the kind of therapist who shops around on trash day, looking for stuff." "It's fun, Ben." "You wouldn't believe some of the stuff people throw away." "You mean like crap?" "Well, you have to see this thing..." "You have to see it on a curb, really, to appreciate it." "I can see why." " Let me tell you the story." " I'm listening." "I'm putting the thing in the car, and about 100 yards away is one of my patients, who sees me moving this thing." " Oh, really?" "So how come they didn't help?" "Well, first of all, it was humiliating, and I'm not sure... oh, you mean picking up the chair was?" "Well, I just didn't want her to see me bent over like that." " Yeah." "It was not a flattering view." "It never is." "No, and rummaging through the trash." "Yeah, I mean, I'd question if I saw my therapist out there doing that." "At least she didn't see you doing all the stuff you do that I see." "Like what?" "Oh, you know what I'm talking about." "No, I don't!" "I mean, going through the trash is..." "That's one of your better qualities." "No, I have no idea what you're talking about." "Why do you wear one sock to bed?" "Why do you do that every night?" "That's just an eccentricity of mine." "Well, I think if I paid a therapist 150 bucks an hour," "I wouldn't wanna see him rummaging through the trash." "What about 130?" "Maybe if I cut her a break or something." "You can't even get this out of the car, dad." "It's too big, you wedged it in the back." "What I suggest is we leave it in the car... yeah?" "That's what I suggest." "Well, that's, you know..." "it's like an extra seat." "You're not helping." "You gotta get it out of the car." "I know, that's why..." "Here's the 20 bucks for you to take it to the dump." "Dad, you can't bribe... 20 bucks?" "So when I was a little kid, I had to take an IQ test." "Did you ever take an IQ test?" "Uh..." "And, you know, they don't tell you how you do." "No, because they don't wanna create a..." "But I think I know how I did, and it wasn't good, 'cause afterwards, the guy..." "He goes, "Thank you very much." "Here's a yo-yo, don't eat it!"" "I'm sick of all these dyslexia people." ""Oh, what's the matter?" "Baby mixes baby letters up?" "Oh, poor baby!" "Explain that to the man in the iron lung." "Oh, baby get a headache when he reads?" "Oh, what does that say?" "Man or nam?" "I don't know!"" "Fred, you're too late." " I missed my appointment?" " Yes." "So it's not a wasted trip..." "Oh, god, can I listen at the wall so maybe whoever's in there now" "I could learn from their problems?" "No, Fred, don't do that." "Use the intercom, you can hear much better." "I hope I don't hear a couple's session." "I hate when they complain." ""Oh, there's no variety in our marriage." "We only have sex three times a month."" "I wish I had sex three times a month." "Oh, you know, they complain." ""Oh, the passion, the passion!"" "You're there, you could talk about a movie you just saw." "I don't have a girlfriend." "Sometimes I like to pretend I do." "I just stand in my apartment, screaming," ""That's not what I said, no, I didn't say that." "Easy, easy!"" "You know what drink I hate?" "I don't know, Dave." "Guess, come on." "I don't..." "No, eggnog, I hate eggnog." "I don't even know how they thought that up." ""Okay, I wanna get a little drunk, but I also want pancakes."" " Eggnog sucks and so do you, Dr. Katz." " Hey!" "You're like one big bowl of eggnog." "Mmm, is it hard for you to enjoy yourself without the liquor?" "I don't need to drink to have a good time." "I need to drink to stop the voice in my head, and the voice in my head has a stutter, and that is very annoying." ""Kill your p-p-p..." what?" ""Kill your pa-p..."" "write it down!" " Hey, dad?" " Ben?" "I'm just driving around, and I don't know what to do with this thing." "I was gonna take it to the dump, but do you know where a dump is?" "I don't even think they have 'em anymore." "They put all the stuff on barges, and I can't go find a barge now." "You know, the dump used to be all the way out on I-31." "Well, you know what?" "This is starting to become a big pain in my blip-bloop." "I don't know why I thought this would change our lives." "Well, you never know." "I'm just trying to replace your mom, the void that she left." "Thank god we have a family again." "Hi, I don't know if you remember me." "I'm Lew Schneider, I'm here to see Dr. Katz." "Mm-hm." "Oh, who do I talk to about billing?" "Because I've had a little trouble with my insurance company." "They've been a little bit sticky about paying for some of this stuff." "That would be me." "Okay, well, here's the thing." "They're saying that they're not going to continue to pay for this if there's no specific diagnosis from a doctor, so could you make sure there's something on my form?" "Uh..." "I think they'll take anything, anything concrete, like a corn or a bunion..." "Borderline personality?" "Um..." "You felt bad for the chair." "That's what it was, wasn't it?" "I didn't feel bad for the chair." "I just... you know, it just reminded me of a part of my life that I've left far, far behind." "That was the naugahyde period, wasn't it?" "Your mom and I, when we first moved in together and we were very poor, we furnished an entire apartment with trash." "You were squatters, weren't you?" "No, we weren't squatters, but we would sit on things we found in the trash." "She was very inventive that way." "She took an ashtray and turned it into a convertible sofa." "I have a terrible attention span, you know?" "It's just too bad, I'm 33 years old and I can't bring myself to go to things that last longer than an hour and a half." "Someone said, "Oh, let's go to an opera!"" "I'm not going to an opera." "A short one is three and a half hours." "The only way I'd be interested in something that's that long, would be if that night the opera was about me." "Lew, you should go to the opera with us." ""Tonight they're doing 'Die Schneider-Maus!" "'"" "doctor, I don't know if you can make a referral for me..." "I have a friend, a very good friend, who happens to be a mennonite, and he lives among the amish in a simple way, but he's got some pretty complex psychological issues." "Do you have anybody that you can refer in that community?" "A colleague of mine has a practice in Lancaster, Pennsylvania, and when we're done with the session," "I can give you a referral." "Yeah, because this guy doesn't feel that it's such a gift to be simple." "It's not for everybody." "Yeah, but he has some colored underwear that he sneaks under his clothes sometimes and he's very conflicted about it, he feels awful." "Are you sure you're talking about him?" " Hey, can I ask you a quick question?" " No." "Has my dad been mumbling to himself?" " Muttering?" " Muttering?" " Twitching?" " Yeah, twitching a little bit?" "No." "Good, because if he was, that would be crazy." "I'm just a little worried about him 'cause he picked this chair out of the trash and that's just the beginning." "It starts with taking something from the trash." "Well, Ben, you know, there's nothing wrong recycling perfectly..." "Have you ever taken something out of the trash, though, and used it?" "Yeah, I have." "Like what?" "My retainer." "I think my parents rushed me toward adulthood." "Why do you feel that way, Lew?" "Because they gave me an adult name." "My name is Lew." "My younger brother's name is Sam." "Yeah." "Lew and Sam?" "Those aren't kids." "Those aren't brothers, that's a retail outlet." "It's like, "Lew and Sam discount carpet." "How are you?" "Come on in!"" "Those are names you shouldn't be able to get from the name bureau 'til you're, like, 45 years old." "You go down there with your kid name, they trade it in, they give you your adult name, and you're all set." "I mean, there must have been some huge mix-up." "There are probably two 55-year-old Jewish guys standing outside the name bureau, saying, "We're Bobby and Timmy." "We can't get our names!"" "My wife is a teacher." "That's really weird, to live with a teacher, 'cause your habits change..." "I used to be on the phone, kind of doodling on a piece of paper." "I'd leave the house, I'd come back two hours later." "That same piece of paper is now on the refrigerator with the words, "Good work!"" "And a big smiley face on it." "So she's supportive?" "I don't know, when you're a parent, you give up your freedom." "I mean, you sleep according to someone else's schedule." "You eat according to someone else's schedule." "It's like being in jail." "But you really love the warden." "Well, your mom helps out, she's around." "My mom has become a little bit more idiotic since we had the children." "The cuter something is, the less you are able to hear my mother speak about it." "Like, if she sees a cocker spaniel puppy, she says, "Lew, that puppy..." "Was precious!"" "I mean, one more cute kid, and she'll just be, like, this mute, walking around her house, gesturing." "I'm worried about how physically expressive to be with my sons." "Now, why is that, Lew?" "Men have trouble with the physical issues." "It's true... watch the way men express physical intimacy." "We can't hug each other, doctor." "If we hug... it's weird." "We don't just hug and hold." "What we do is we hug with one arm, and with the other harm we pat on the back." "That's basically saying, "Yeah, I'm hugging you, but I'm hitting you!"" "We put on a lot of sunscreen when we go to the beach now for the kids, 'cause we're always afraid of cancer." "You use the really strong sunblocks?" "It's SPF 80." "You squeeze the tube and it's just..." "A sweater comes out." "Do you have any other tests for me?" " We can try a word association game." " Okay, let's try that." " Baffle." " Oh my god." " Stamp." " Oh, lord." " Mother." " Jeez-o Pete." " Pudding." " Uh." "I'm not sure you understand how it works." "I thought it was the first thing that comes into my head." "Well, it's not..." "Okay, I'll show you the way it should work." "You say the words and I'll respond." "Water." "Fountain." " Car." " Wash." " Doctor." " Love." " Please." " Help." " Listen... to me doctor, please!" " Close." "So is it upholstered or wood?" "It was upholstered." "See, that's..." "I draw the line." "I never take anything that's upholstered off the street." "Why is that?" "Well, 'cause things can hide in there." "I looked for cash, if that's what you're talking about." "Cash wouldn't be such a bad thing." "But, when you think about it, other people sit in the chair." "Maybe they don't have any clothes on." "You just never know." "I think about that in hotel rooms." "Do you think about that?" "I think, "Listen, I can't be the only guy that sits naked on the furniture."" "That's a good point." "So this patient is coming back in in a couple of days and I haven't seen her since the incident, and I'm not really sure how to handle it." "You could call her up, tell her you've ended your practice and moved." "That's such a cowardly thing to do." "I like it!" "I think you're maybe a little overly worried," "John, would it be fair to say, Stanley?" "This is a dilemma for me." "It sounds embarrassing as hell." "You know, you have a couple of dilemmas, you get yourself a crisis." " How many dilemmas in a crisis?" " Three." "Wow." "Hey, Laura, can I ask you something?" "Dr. Katz, he started crying all by himself this time." "I didn't say anything." "What?" "Oh, fine." "I know..." "I wanna ask you something else." "Oh, what?" "If you saw somebody you know and respected take from the trash a large chair and stuff it in the backseat of their car..." "Dr. Katz, if you like the chair, then keep it!" "Okay." " Katz?" " Dr. Katz." "I run into this guy I went to high school with," "I haven't seen him in 10 years, and I ask him, "So what's been going on, man?" "What have you been doing?"" "And he's like, "Guess what?" "I finally got an amp for my bass."" "Which answers a lot of other questions, like "Are you still smoking a lot of pot", are you living in your mom's basement, doing that house- painting thing?"" "Yeah." "All right, Dr. Know-it-all." "Let me tell you about this dream I had." "There was this really skinny kid from high school." "He's, like, leaning up against a building." "And all these big kids from high school are going over to him and I think they're gonna beat him up, but it turns out they just want diet tips." "Uh..." "Can't you figure this out, healer?" "Well..." "Thank you, pausey, sir Pause-a-lot." "I... see, i..." "Dr. No-energy, let me ask you this:" "If you could go to the bathroom and candy came out, what kind of candy would it be?" "Fred, what are you doing here?" "You don't have an appointment today." "I would love to get in on Tuesdays." "Why are they so hard?" "I never did a Tuesday." "Well, Fred, you have to pay your dues." "Can I just sit here and read the magazines?" "Fred, your appointment's not 'til tomorrow, so why don't you just take them with you?" "Take them?" "Take them out of here?" "That wouldn't make any sense." "That's so out of context, reading a magazine that's supposed to be here and not here..." "That wouldn't make sense." "That'd be like eating pizza on a roller coaster." "That'd be like shaving on an escalator." "It makes no sense." "It would be like listening to music in your car." "Dr. Katz, why am I such a cranky baby?" "Well, I... you're a cranky baby, you know that?" "Dr. Katz, you and I..." "We share, like, the bald man thing, 'cause I'm going bald." "You know you're going bald when your conversations with your barber keep getting shorter and shorter." "You know, I sit down." "I'm like, "How about those p..."" ""Next!"" ""What?"" ""We're done."" ""Well, here's a tip..." "I can't, boy." "That would be stealing."" "Excuse me, you're another patient here?" "Could I ask you something?" "Could I sit in with you on your session?" "I need an appointment, and maybe if you pause or if you cough," "I could slip in a question, really quick." "And then I wouldn't even wait for the answer." "I'll wait later." "But I won't even take the seat." "I'll sit on the floor, you can have the couch." "I'm not here, I'm here but I'm not here." "Dr. Party panties, let me tell you this:" "I went home for the holidays, right?" "And everybody, all the men in my family are bald, and all the women are fat." "It's like a Metallica concert going on in my own home." "You know, you can say, "Can I use your bathroom?"" "You know, nobody really cares." "But if you say, "I have to use the plop-plop machine,"" "it always breaks the conversation." " Right." "So you have nieces?" "You have nephews, siblings, and grandparents?" "Yeah, I only have one grandpa." "We call him grandpa alive." "But he still beats me at checkers." "But I kick his ass at full-contact karate." "Oh, it's almost a crime." "Does Dr. Katz give you sandwiches or anything?" "Do you get frequent-flyer mileage?" "Okay, I didn't think so." "I knew that he didn't, but I wanted to make sure that you pay to just talk." "That's okay as long as that's the deal for everyone." "There's no t-shirts or anything?" "That would be great." "Being the head writer and editor for goo-goo magazine, a magazine by and for babies, with stories like, "Grandpa, give me back my nose,"" "or, "It's a whale of a tail"..." "Am I losing you?" " No, no, I'm with you." " Tell me!" "You know, Katz, what is wrong with me?" "Well, that's not such a simple..." "Come on, you bloodsucker." "How long are you gonna suck off my teat before you cure me?" "Fix this, fix this!" " Hey, dad?" " Yes, sir?" "You got a minute here?" "I got some problems." "Where are you now?" "Actually, I'm right outside the dump, and they don't let me in." "It's not open to the public anymore." "What are you talking about, Ben?" "It's the city dump." "I know, but you have to have a license to dump there, in order to..." "Well, that is an obscene law." "Apparently you can't throw out stuff anymore." "You gotta keep it." "I asked them if I could leave it at the gate and they'd take it in, but they won't." "Will they accept it as a gift?" "Now I can't get rid of it at the dump..." "I'm thinking about just leaving it somewhere." "Well, that is what the dump is for." "Traditionally, it's a drop-off place for all the... not anymore, dad." "They've changed the dump." "What, is it all digital now, Ben?" "It's nice, they've got a great set-up here." "Well, don't get attached to any of that stuff." "I could come here every day." "Hey, dad?" "Well, you know, I'm starting to get fond of the old thing." "It's like a friend." "That's what I've been saying to you." "We don't have... a chair can speak volumes." "Hey, dad?" "We're going insane." "Hey, dad... did you have that session with the woman who saw you making an ass of yourself?" "Yes, yeah, I did." "Well, what happened?" "Did she..." "Apparently, that was helpful to her, to see me... to see you as a human being?" "That's right, to see me as a human being and also as a rodent, groveling through the trash." "Yeah, I guess, that's gotta help any patient feel good about themselves." "She thought the whole thing was pretty funny." "Oh, really?" "Well, it just goes to show you, dad." "What?" "It just goes to show you what?" "I don't know." "It's just an expression." "Don't take it seriously." "Sorry, I'm so literal these days." "What?" "I said I'm so literal these days." "What's that supposed to mean?" "How about a truce?" "How about we agree not to listen to each other?" "Let's flip a coin." "You go first." "No, let's choose up for who flips the coin." "One, two, three, shoot." "Damn it." "Laura, I know this is kind of weird." "Do... can you be nicer?" "Sure." "I'm sorry, because it's a little off-putting..." "Oh, to you?" "I have been treating myself a little bit better." "Been out for Chinese food a number of times, recently." "I just love Chinese food, you know why?" "Because it's immediate gratification, doctor." "They get you Chinese food so fast." "I mean, you order it, and bang... there it is." "Even take out." "When I used to live in New York, you'd call, you'd give 'em the order, you'd hang up, and then bing-bong..." "The door would ring." "It was like they had a helicopter and a wok, and they'd just lowered it to you." "I always get the same thing:" "General Chan's chicken." "Actually, that's not always true." "I get either general Chan's chicken, general Cho's chicken or general Tso's chicken." "I think that's the highest-military honor that can be bestowed upon a Chinese general:" "Have a chicken dish named after you." "I'd love to go to China and attend a joint chiefs of staff meeting, just to hear the introductions." ""General Chow, meet general Chan."" ""General Chan, I love your chicken!" "And yours too, my friend."" "I missed my appointment?" "Yep." "That's okay, 'cause I'm an upbeat, positive guy." "I'm not negative." "I don't dwell on things." "Hi, sweetie, hi, sweetie." "People are attracted to me 'cause I don't mope." "I accentuate the positive." "I'm like someone you like." "So you know what I've been doing, Dr. Katz?" "Besides planning your murder?" "'Cause I'm going to murder you..." "I watch the Discovery channel, and you know what I've discovered?" "I need a girlfriend, 'cause it is boring." "And the more Discovery channel you watch, the less chance you ever have of meeting a woman, 'cause it fills your head full of odd facts that come out at any moment." "Like, the other day I'm talking to this girl, right?" "And all of a sudden it's like, "Hello!"" ""Did you know Hitler was ticklish?" "The sea otter has four nipples." "Did you know these things?" "Hi, I know everything odd." "Ask me how many bones I have in my hand." "Don't run away!"" " Yeah." "You know, it seems like every date I go on, it always starts out really nice." ""Oh, what do you do?" "Mm-hm, me too..." "Yes, uh-huh."" "And then it always ends with a girl screaming, "My eye!"" "Dr. Katz, can I ask you:" "Are you an East-coast or a West-coast gangster?" "Actually, I haven't really committed to either..." "Yeah, yeah, yeah, get to it." " God, Katz!" " East coast?" "It would be one thing if you, like, talked this way and you said something important." "But it's like... you're like..." ""Uh, uh, shoelaces."" "What?" "Dave, we need to set some ground rules in here." "Come on, Katz, let me in!" "Katz, let me in!" "Yeah, we're gonna have to stop now, Dave." "Our time is up." "Oh, what a gyp!"