"*" "All right, Carter, what did you see?" "A panzer division-- 16 Tiger tanks and the supply trucks right behind them." "And then the goon took the glasses away." "Newkirk?" "Well, LeBeau saw that and another column as well." "Oh, easily a mile long." "Troop carriers, support artillery and a medical unit." "They went flying down the road past that beer garden." "Hilda's Hofbrau." "Kinch?" "I tapped Klink's phone line and took the conversation down verbatim." "That's why he's a staff sergeant." "Oh, shucks, Colonel." "Newkirk, give me a hand with this, huh?" "( imitates Klink ):" "Hello." "Colonel Klink speaking." "( German accent ):" "Hello." "This is Captain Milheiser, Adolf Hitler Division." "Heil Hitler." "Heil Hitler." "Sounds vaguely familiar." "Colonel, I will be coming to see you today on a matter of the greatest importance." "Let me assure you, any officer of the Adolf Hitler Division is always welcome at Stalag 13." "Ah, very good." "Adolf Hitler Division, huh?" "They made a lot of trouble in France." "HOGAN:" "What are they doing in this area, obviously at full strength?" "Kinch, put that information into code and get it off to London." "Ask for further instructions." "Right." "HOGAN:" "The rest of you circulate, see what you can find out from the goons." "Right, sir." "Colonel?" "One more thing about that phone call." "As soon as Klink heard the words "Adolf Hitler Division,"" "he got scared." "I could hear it in his voice." "That's our commandant." "If they ever promote him, it'll be to Coward First Class." "SCHULTZ:" "500 wooden spoons." "Correct." "700 kilos potatoes." "Check." "100 kilos black pepper." "Check." "Why so much black pepper?" "It helps with the potatoes." "300 kilos salt." "Just a minute." "The next item should be 5,000 wooden plates." "Now, where is it?" "Herr Kommandant, I-I thought I had it here." "You thought you had it?" "What did you use to think with?" "Certainly not your head." "Find it." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "This inefficiency." "Sometimes I wonder how we can win the war." "So, do I." "Oh, shut up." "Find it." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "Excuse me, Herr Colonel." "KLINK:" "Yes, yes, yes, what is it?" "There are two officers here to see you, sir." "Who are these people?" "Is Stalag 13 a tourist attraction for every officer who passes through town?" "Soon we'll be serving tea." "They're from the Adolf Hitler Division." "Well, don't just stand there-- make some tea." "Heil Hitler." "Heil Hitler." "Heil Hitler." "Welcome to Stalag 13." "Gentlemen, please be seated." "Oh, what a pleasure it is to meet you." "Schultz, out!" "Dismissed!" "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "Please, please." "We have no desire to interrupt your routine." "Please, carry on." "Yes, Schultz, please carry on." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "Colonel, Leutnant Doenitz and myself are chairmen of an organization called "Beautify Berchtesgaden."" ""Beautify Berchtesgaden"?" "What a lovely idea." "I am so glad you approve." "We have been taking donations from all the officers of all the services," "Leutnant rank and above." "Our objective is one million marks." "Well, that doesn't seem too much for a worthy cause." "Oh, then we may count on you for help?" "Of course." "There is an artillery regiment five miles from here, by the coast." "I know the commander very well." "He's a good friend of mine." "I will just make a call..." "Yes, he, uh, he gave us 3,000 marks." "And your name." "Yes, he's a very good friend." "Now, gentlemen, I realize you would like me to donate to this cause, but unfortunately..." "MILHEISER:" "Wait, Colonel, please?" "Doenitz?" "Now, here we have our white list." "And here we have the black list." "Those on the white list have given." "Those on the black list have not." "Both lists will be presented to the fuhrer." "The white list is filled." "The black list is blank... until now." "We are just a poor little POW camp." "Oh, come now, Colonel." "There is not little, uh-- how you say?" " hanky-panky going on with the prisoners' ration money?" "Captain, I swear to you," "I have never taken a single pfennig from..." "Oh, well." "There had to be a first." "( grunts )" "( speaks German )" "Now, "Klink," no?" "Yes, sir." "Corporal Wil..." "I mean Colonel Wilhelm Klink." "Lo and behold," "Wilhelm Klink's name led all the rest." "Gentlemen, please, don't jump to conclusions." "SCHULTZ:" "Here you are, you little devils." "Wooden plates, 5,000." "Belie-- 5,000?" "5,000?" "Thank you very much, Colonel." "There has been some mistake." "You'd like to give 10,000?" "( chuckles nervously )" "It's a mistake if you thought I wouldn't want to give to Beautify Berchtesgaden." "Your pledge must be redeemed by the first of the month." "Heil Hitler." "Heil Hitler." "Heil Hitler." "5,000 marks." "I'm sorry, Herr Kommandant." ""Sorry," he says." "You dunderhead." "You big mouth, you big mouth dunderhead." "Herr Kommandant, I-I just read the requisitions." "5,000 marks." "Herr Kommandant, it is against the law for an officer to strike an enlisted man." "Strike you... no." "Shoot you, yes." ""Information on the Hitler Division extremely valuable." "Job well done."" "Hey, that's marvelous." "Wow." "Isn't that great?" "( all talking at once )" "If you fellas are finished taking bows" "I'd like to go on." ""More intelligence details on the Hitler Division" ""vitally important." ""Why in your area?" ""Are they staging for active duty?" ""Which front?" "Send answers soonest, top priority."" "CARTER:" "Those guys are kidding." "How are we going to get that stuff?" "Yeah, it won't be easy." "Blimey, sometimes I think they forget we're prisoners." "I don't have any trouble remembering." "What about that beer joint near the crossroads?" "Hilda's Hofbrau?" "Yeah, if one of us could get in there, we might pick up a few answers." "Who'd be crazy enough to go into a place filled with Krauts?" "Me." "Tonight." "After roll call." "I'll go out through the emergency exit, in uniform, of course." "Newkirk, what have you got in stock?" "Oh, if you'll step this way." "Here we are, sir." "Gestapo, SS..." "Guten Abend, Herr Major." "Welcome." "Fraulein." "( with accent ):" "The war seems to be going well." "Boys and girls, you know." "HOGAN:" "Yes, the boys seem to be winning." "There are no tables left at the moment, unless you don't mind sharing." "With you?" "Gentlemen, would you mind sharing your table with this officer?" "Not at all." "Danke." "Beer, please." "For the gentlemen, too." "Thank you." "Right away, Major." "I'm Milheiser, and this is Leutnant Doenitz." "HOGAN:" "Gentlemen." "Major Hoople." "Heil Hitler." "Heil Hitler." "Heil Hitler." "Luftwaffe in this part of the country, Major?" "Yes, Luft Stalag 13 down the road." "Oh, you are assigned to the POW camp?" "In a way, yes." "Temporary duty." "Coincidence." "We met your colonel today." "Kommandant Klink?" "Yes, old blood and guts." "( both laughing )" "That Klink is a real tower of jelly." "Gentlemen, if you think you've got a true picture of my commanding officer..." "Yes?" "...you do." "( both laughing )" "Oh." "Ah." "Danke, danke." "Danke, Hilda." "To Hilda." "Ah." "Frau Hilda." "Mmm." "Eh." "Mmm." "Oh, this beer is terrible." "It tastes good to me." "My last combat assignment, there was no beer at all." "Really?" "No, no, that wasn't the worst of it." "The real problem was the cold." "You'd wake up in the morning, you'd have to defrost your toothpaste with a blowtorch." "Conditions are that bad on the eastern front?" "I didn't say anything about the eastern front." "Perhaps not by name, but..." "Is that where you're going?" "Let us just say that we are not moving west." "Then my deepest sympathy." "Major, could you tell us something that might be helpful?" "Doenitz, that is enough." "There is such a thing as security." "The captain is right." "Forget it." "Anyway, let's drink to a soldier's best friend." "The Fuhrer." "The Fuhrer." "Fuhrer?" "I'm talking about long winter underwear." "Uh, Major, tell me something?" "Have you ever heard of the Beautify Berchtesgaden Fund?" "No, I've been away." "We are raising some money as a gift to the fuhrer." "Oh, say no more." "Gentlemen, how about, um..." "say 500 marks?" "Well, very generous." "Indeed it is." "Wherever did you get such nice, brand-new bills?" "I have a couple of men who make them up for me." "Ah... ( laughs )" "( all laughing )" "HOGAN:" "Of course, a fellow could do worse." "You're very attractive." "You have a nice business going here." "Not after tomorrow." "I'm giving it up." "What?" "You can't do that." "We need more information." "Information?" "About you." "I mean, after all, we've just met." "I can't manage alone, and help is impossible to get because of the war." "Is that all?" "Oh, I can fix that." "You mean you could get me a waiter?" "Oh, that's no problem." "I will get you a work detail of prisoners from Luft Stalag 13." "Oh, that would be marvelous." "Then I could keep the place open." "That's the most important thing." "It sure is." "Oh, Major, how can I ever express my appreciation?" "Take this down, Kinch, and code it:" "Stalag 13 to Headquarters London." "Strong evidence Adolf Hitler Division moving to the Russian Front." "Will try to obtain absolute confirmation and further details." "Sign that Hogan, got it?" "Right." "Good." "I've got a lovely old big mouth Kraut at one of my tables, Colonel." "He's telling his girlfriend all about some new guns." "Good." "Stay with it." "Right, sir." "Wiener schnitzel with an egg on it." "Ordering: two liverwurst sandwiches on pumpernickel with plenty of onion." "Liverwurst?" "Onion?" "Barbarians." "If I get an order for chicken à la bonne femme, you'll be the first to know." "LeBeau, I need a double schnapps and a lettuce and tomato sandwich." "Lettuce and tomatoes and whiskey?" "Now, what kind of an order is that?" "It's for a drunken vegetarian." "Germans." "Colonel, there's a corporal over there with a snow cape in his pack-- the kind we use in the ski troops, you know?" "That settles it." "They're not going to spend the winter in Miami." "Sacre bleu!" "Schultz." "Whoops." "Colonel, what shall we do?" "If I knew, would I be sitting here?" "Mind if I join the party?" "Just a minute." "You're a waiter." "You're a soldier." "I never said anything when you sat down, did I?" "Waiter, ein bier, bitte." "Yes, sir." "And, uh, bring me a little cheese." "It goes good with the beer." "And, uh, I..." "You!" "Uh, cheese with the beer." "Right away, sir." "Now, just a minute." "What are you doing here?" "And him?" "And him?" "Ach du lieber Himmel." "Hi, Schultz." "Colonel Hogan, you, too?" "And wearing an officer's uniform?" "Achtung." "Please don't do that." "How did you get out of the camp?" "It's a long, dull story, Schultz." "I want the truth." "Well, I could tell you we went out over the wire." "Over the wire?" "But that wouldn't be telling you the truth." "Ja?" "And I'd hate to tell you anything that wasn't true." "So?" "So forget it." "Okay." "Good that you did not lie to me." "Now, what are you doing here?" "See that woman over there?" "That's Hilda." "She runs the place." "She's a widow." "Nice looking tomato." "With eight children." "Ah... so many kinder, and she's so young." "She got an early start." "Look, if we don't work here, she's going to have to close the place because she can't get any help, and without any money, those poor, innocent little kids are going to go without food." "Oh, that's terrible." "You wouldn't want that on your conscience, would you?" "Oh, no." "I am a family man myself." "And you're also a great humanitarian, Schultz." "Danke." "I try to be." "Now, everybody out, or I have to report this to Klink at once." "You said you were a family man." "Yes." "My own." "Now, everybody back to camp." "All right, Schultz, have it your way." "Only thing is you're going to have to explain to Klink how we escaped while you were on duty... but I'll get the rest of the fellows." "No, w-w-w-w-wait, Colonel Hogan." "You don't think I'd have a widow with kids be without food." "Have the beer and cheese sent outside." "Outside?" "That way it's easier to see nothing!" "( groans )" "Gentlemen, I realize today is the first of the month." "You have the money, of course?" "Of course." "Well, I am very glad to hear that." "Well... where is it?" "I must draw the money from the bank, and I can't get away right now." "And you won't get away later unless you redeem that pledge." "Not redeem?" "Whatever put that thought into your head?" "You did." "You will bring it to us at our headquarters in town." "Or this evening, be at Hilda's Hofbrau down the road." "Heil Hitler." "Heil Hitler." "Heil Hitler." "( scoffs )" "Herr Kommandant, I..." "Ah, shut up." "5,000 Marks." "I am finished, kaput." "A brilliant military career gone after so many years." "Why didn't I go to spy school when I had a chance?" "They said I was talented." "Anything I can do, Herr Kommandant?" "Yes." "Get me 5,000 Marks." "Wish I could." "I'm sure." "Believe me, Herr Kommandant, I'm a poor man." "I even have no right to be fat." "Well, there's no use crying about it." "I must face things as they are." "What are you going to do, Herr Kommandant?" "Do?" "Tell them the truth." "Tonight, I shall walk into Hilda's Hofbrau with my head high and I shall confess to them." "I think, Herr Kommandant, you are right to..." "Hilda's Hofbrau?" "You're sure of it?" "He told it to me himself." "That's bad." "It ain't good." "Your boys are not to go there tonight." "It's too late, Schultz." "The boat sailed." "They've been gone about an hour." "Donnerwetter." "He will see them, and after he sees them, he will come back and see me, and after that, no one is going to see me again." "Do you think we could get a message to 'em?" "It's our only chance." "I'll wear the uniform again and go out the... emergency tunnel." "I'm sorry, Schultz." "I'd rather have it that way." "Kinch, go get the uniform." "Right." "Now, listen carefully." "You've got to stall Klink." "We need enough time to get everybody out of Hilda's." "But how-how can I...?" "Oh, come on, Schultz, if you don't, we're in big trouble, big, big trouble." "But how shall I stall him?" "What shall I say?" "You'll think of something." "You're a clever man." "Colonel Hogan, this is not the time to lie to me." "Schultz, I'm leaving." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "Now, there is a chance I may not come back." "I may never be heard from again." "Oh, no, Herr Kommandant." "If that happens, you will have a new commanding officer." "Now, Schultz... help him, give him a break." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "I am willing." "What shall I do?" "Have yourself transferred to another camp." "Oh, please, Herr Kommandant, may I?" "All right." "Schultz, what are you doing?" "Oh, I'm sorry, Herr Kommandant." "Herr Kommandant, just a moment." "Your scarf, please." "All right, all right, all right." "Herr Kommandant, please, may I talk to you?" "Yes, yes, what is it?" "Herr Kommandant, please." "I have a problem." "That is the understatement of the year." "According to regulations, I am entitled to discuss my problem with my superior officer." "There is nothing I can say that would help you." "I'm sorry, Hilda, it cannot be helped." "But if you take the prisoners away now..." "It's an emergency." "I have my orders." "( squeaking )" "Colonel..." "Get the colonel." "Telephone call for Major Hoople." "Excuse me." "Hello, Major Hoople." "Hello?" "Psst!" "Psst!" "Klink." "Go out the back door." "There is no back door." "I'll make one." "Um, stand up." "I'm going to march you out of here like we're going back to camp." "Follow me." "Major." "Won't you join us, huh?" "Don't panic." "Wait right here." "You know Leutnant Doenitz and your colonel, of course." "Yeah, Colonel." "You?" "You all know each other?" "Major Hoople is a very good friend of ours." "Major who?" "Not who, Hoople." "He has trouble with names sometimes." "Hogan." "That's my first name:" "Hogan." "Hogan Hoople." "Where did you get that uniform?" "Oh, they've got a great little army and navy store in town, and they've got a special this week:" "30% off on tee shirts, assorted colors." "What are you doing here?" "I was just taking a work detail back to camp." "A work de..." "Oh, no." "I think I have a fever after all." "Brought on by the fact that you do not have the 5,000 Marks, eh?" "Captain, I have not been able to get to the bank today, but I assure you..." "Excuse me, Colonel, have you forgotten?" "What?" "Forgotten what?" "You sent me to the bank for you." "I did?" "I did." "It all seems to be here." "Five thousand." "Do you think a German officer would shortchange you?" "MILHEISER:" "Well, thank you very much, Colonel." "Fraulein, beer for everyone, please." "I'm terribly sorry, gentlemen." "I must be getting along." "What a pity." "Yes, I was beginning to enjoy the major's company." "Some people can sit around drinking beer." "I have a prisoner of war camp to run." "Gentlemen." "Colonel Hogan, you are confined to the barracks until further notice, and your men are sentenced to 30 days in the cooler." "Now, Colonel..." "And then you will be arrested as a spy wearing a German uniform." "We only borrowed it for a night." "And you, Sergeant Blabbermouth, will answer to a court-martial for this." "Well, that's very unfair, sir." "Schultz was only trying to help you out." "Let us work in the Hofbrau to raise your 5,000 Marks." "Is that true?" "Whatever Colonel Hogan says." "He was standing guard outside the Hofbrau... and now you want to court-martial him." "Well, that puts everything into a different light." "I will have to give the whole matter some more consideration." "Dismissed." "Well, that's one way to skin a commandant." "Colonel Hogan, how did you get the money?" "Let's just say I had it made up by native craftsmen." "Counterfeit!" "Ach du lieber." "For this, Milheiser and Doenitz could spend the rest of the war in chains." "We can only hope." ""(End of Episode)""