"THE PHANTOM HEART" "Hello." "Just wanted to say you're very pretty." "Thank you." "Really." " Hello." " Hello." " How are things?" " Well, going..." "Hungry?" " Yes." "Where are the children?" " Bathing." "By the way, would you... come on Saturday to buy a coat for the girl?" "What about the one we bought last time?" "It became too small long ago." "It's been 1095 days since I've been surrounded by these walls and 730 days since we met." "Thanks to you I became a human being." "You unleashed in me a love of living, reading... of writing and wanting to love you." "I think of you." "I love it when you're late, with the black blouse, all disheveled." "I imagine the shapes of your breasts and your sex and your legs and your buttocks." "What I miss more is your smell." "From the first to the last minute of your visits only our hands touch." "How I wish to discover the rest of your body." "Kisses everywhere if only on paper." "Moanda." "Boudjoune!" "Open." "Areski!" " For a woman it's important." " Yes, but what exactly?" "It is as if previously there was no reason to live." "Are you saying that suddenly the reason to live is on the outside of ourselves?" "It can be said in many ways." "Don't you think that it's the same for a man?" "What do you think?" "It's the same for me, my children are the most important." " More than anything?" " Yes." "Even the painting?" "The painting is a way to make a living." " Do you really mean what you say?" " Yes." "Why do you ask me that?" "Who do you think of?" "Dad?" "No, no." "I was thinking that if you really think so..." " It's not the same for father?" " No." "But things are easier between Annie and you." " Comes to the same thing, right?" " Of course not." "Stop thinking that I always think of your father... for over thirty years it is over between him and me." "That does not mean anything." "Of course it does." "Things are simpler than you think." "I believe that things are simpler from the moment the children become the most important thing." "It's good that you think that way." "But, you know, children are not the solution to everything." "Look at your father and me." "We had three children." "Why did you leave?" "I could tell you one thing, your father would tell you another." "But what do you think?" "You know that life has no answers." "There are only solutions, decisions." "Answers look good in books." "Well, let's say I write a story about dad and you." "I need answers." "You can write that we thought we were made for each other but we realized that we were wrong." " You want something?" " No, thanks." "If we really love someone can we stop loving that person?" "Is it a question?" "Yes, a question." "If we have loved someone can we stop loving that person?" "Of course." "We can." "As if we had never loved." "We wouldn't even know how we could have loved." "I think not." "I do not know, I'm tired." " What are you think?" " I think nothing, I feel nothing." "Stop." "I loved you, I was happy you, with the children." " Leave it, it's depressing." " Yes." "What I meant is that for me it's not and never will be as if I had never loved you." "But..." "Is it over?" "Yes, it's over." "What did you talk about?" "About the end of the course." "That I have to support my little lover." "Want to go to a room?" "Are you in the final year of school?" "No, I got behind." "Ok." "Then I'll talk about you and the completion of your studies." "It's here." "Normally there is no one at 4." "We will have until 5." " Don't you care?" " Not at all." "You'll see it's a bit small but it's quiet." "The room is small, but it'll do." "Close." "Close." "Good night." "Everything alright?" " Shall we?" " No." "Well, thanks." "Why did you smile at me?" "I do not know, because I thought I know you." " My name is Philippe Klens." " I've been at your vernissage." " Oh, yeah?" " Yes" "I bought postcards of your paintings." "And put them above my bed." "Shall we walk together for a while?" "Well, of course, only if you want to walk together." "Well, yes, yes, of course." "Can you leave in three days?" " Friday?" " Yes" " Okay." " Fine." "All love letters are ridiculous, otherwise they wouldn't be love letters." " Are you okay?" " I'm fine." "It's weird." " Are you feeling awkward?" " No." " Disappointed?" " No." "Do you think it was better before without knowing each other physically?" "Do you think that?" "No." "We cannot love through a few cards or a crystal ball." "Do you loved me just because because I've been there?" "Because it was me who was there?" "You know very well that it is not." "Can't you feel it?" "I don't know." "If it hadn't been you, it would not have been anyone else." "It was either you or no one, you know?" "They are not unhappy." "They know you love them." "Children can feel that, believe me." "Yes, but I've left." "You're not the one to blame." "I'm not the one to blame but the point is that I left." "What else could you do?" "Would you have preferred Annie to leave?" "You know that's not possible." "The mother always matters most for children." " Bye." " Bye." "Yes?" " We must talk." " Wait, is that..." "We must talk about the children right now." "I get dressed and come." "Wait for me at the cafe on the square." " Hurry on." " Okay, okay." "I'm coming." " What do we do?" " Get dressed and get out." "Was that her?" "Why have you given her the address?" "You said you'd never give her the phone number or address." "When did you give her the address?" "The day when I called my father, because Lucie was sick..." "I'm always worried that something happens to them." "Now she hassles us all the time." "My love." "Yes." "Hello, I am the father of Camille and Lucie." "Camille is at school and I'm taking care of Lucie." " Can I talk to her?" " Yes." "Thank you." "Hello, Dad." "Hello." "Are you okay?" "I love you, darling." "I'll soon come to see you." "Hello?" "Can you hear me?" "Call the lady." "Can you hear me?" "Lucie!" "Hello?" " Why do you shout like that?" " What?" "Call the lady!" "Hey, the lady is at work." "She comes back at 7." "Well, I'll call." "Thank you very much." " Goodbye, sir." " Bye." "But..." "Do you love me?" "Mona!" "Mona!" "Are you awake?" "You were talking in your sleep." "You said:"Do you love me?"" "A GRAIN OF SAND OF 25 TONS ON THE TRACKS" "You are obsessed with Mona." "I'm just here as a replacement." "Do not say that." "You prefer her." "No." "It has nothing to do with it." "It's like your first love." "My first love?" "You know." "You think you will never love again, but... that does not mean a thing, Of course not." "Yes, but you dreamed of Mona." "That means that you prefer her." "Now what?" "!" "It's only the fuses." " Do you have fuses?" " No." "Ah, well..." "Now you'll see." "Magic." "There." "No, tell me." "What color was her hair?" "I do not know, I don't know." "Lighter in color!" "And down there?" "Down there?" "Do you miss her?" "Forgive me for asking." "You must not think that because we see each other less" "I think less of you." "I know." " Really?" " Really, Dad." "Bye, Daddy." "Goodbye, Camille." "I don't know how we're going to make it." "We are more and we have no money." "What do you mean "We are more"?" "You mean me?" "Do you think I'll let you support me?" "It's me who will support you." "How?" "I have some good merchandise I put aside three years ago." "I have to find a good customer to deliver the package." "Ah!" "Didn't you tell me you've done nothing?" "Of course I did nothing." "I did business like everyone else to make money, that's all." "Will you be careful?" " Are you okay?" " Yes, yes." " Are you okay?" " Yes, yes." "Are you sure?" "Take care." "Yes, that's it." "Is everything okay?" "Is everything okay?" "You see each other?" "What?" " With Annie, you see each other?" " No." " You speak?" " No." " Why?" "Are you angry?" " We are separated, that's all." "I see the children." "It's okay?" "I cannot say I feel happy." "But I don't have a choice." "Well, yes." "But I have chosen." "I cannot live if I am not free." "But free from what?" "Free from what?" "Now, that is a question that reduces your freedom by itself." "Right?" "Yes." "What traffic!" "Is Mr. Lafon here?" "No, but he said to come." "Enter." "Has he left something for me?" "No, nothing." "He just said to leave the painting in the hall." "Well, seems everything is fixed." "Will you break up with me?" " No." " Yes." "You're not serious." "I'm serious." "I do not like your children." "But you've never seen them." "And you never will if you want to." " Why?" " What?" " That won't stop you seeing them." " Of course not." " Well that's it." " Well what?" "Would you like me to leave my children?" " Of course not." " So?" "I don't like the fact that you have children, that's all." "Then you don't love me." "Well, perhaps, yes." "You're crazy." "But we won't discuss that, right?" "Let's do something else." "Do you want to collect algae?" "Justine!" "Justine!" "Forgive me." "I'm an idiot." "I can't help it." "I cannot help feeling jealous." "I do not like this." "It's sad." " Come to Naples." " What about Venice?" " Want to go to Venice?" " I do not know." "Come on." "As you wish." " What time does the train go?" " At 4." " At what time does it arrive?" " At 10." "Where is my daughter?" "Where's Lucie?" "Lucie!" "I do it for you." "All of me is down here, waiting for you." " Oh, yeah?" " Yes" " Well?" " Well, well!" "I love you." " What will you do with me?" " Whatever you want." "Yes, but tell me what I do." "You know very well that I like you to tell me." " Fuck you from behind." " Yes." "Wait, let me see." " Why do you laugh?" "This is serious." " I know, that's why I laugh." " Don't do that." " I am a slut, eh?" " I'm hungry, let's buy something." " You like to go to a restaurant?" "No." "Restaurants make me sick." "I remember perfectly." "I looked at my right arm leaning on the car's window and thought" "The right arm is starting to move." "The left is not." "And then I don't know, it was just like that." "I knew I'd do something exceptional." "Something incredible." "Extraordinary." "From that moment on" "I stopped eating." "For months." "I did what I wanted with myself." "I became transparent." "I was a genius." "A true genius." "Now I have stabilized, I dunno." "I am less lonesome but I'm not so strong." " You are sad." " Right now?" "No, in general." "You're sad." "But why?" "I do not know, for everything." "Everything?" "It's not true, I'm not sad." "What's sad about me?" "Well, for instance, I often ask myself what you are thinking." "I'm afraid to ask you so I don't." "I fear your past, all that nostalgia." "Your past crushes me." "I swear, it suffocates me." "It saddens me." "What are you saying?" "It's as if I'm miniscule, the last digit of an enormous sum." "Is not like that and you know it." "I'm older than you, that's all." "The difference between you and me is not that you're older." "I'm with you, not with who I loved before or what you represent for me." " I'm really with you." " Me too, I'm with you." "You are my life, Justine." "You've saved me." "I'm jealous." " Of whom?" " Of your daughter." "But why?" "You sent her a postcard and wrote that you loved her." "Thaat is absurd!" "The word love does not always mean the same thing." "Love is not the same for a child or for a woman." " I know, but I'm jealous." " There you go." "What are you doing?" "Nothing, I draw your profile." "You think I'm a monster?" "No." " What are you thinking?" " Nothing." " Will you come closer?" " Yes" "Forgive me, but I have fear you leave me and that's why I'm bad." "I'm anxious and besides I feel lonely." "Do you think we live a good life?" "I do not know." "I think that we have a rotten life." " You want something?" " No." " Sit down." " No." "Whatever." "Did it work with the photographs?" "No, but I've met a girl." "I might get something in the province." "Good news!" "Are we going home?" "If you want." "What have you done whilst waiting?" "Nothing." "I thought of you." "Don't you hate that that I'm always with you?" "No, quite the opposite." "Did you do heroin?" "I took it for three years." "How was it?" "Hell." " Why did you do it?" " Because of Mona." " Did you sleep together?" " After taking heroin?" "Yes." "Not much, no." "You know, it's hard not to imitate someone when you're at his side." "Hello?" "It's Annie." "Yes?" "You must come immediately." "He's gone crazy." "He hit me." " Come quick." " And where is he now?" "He's trying to break down the door down." "Don't you hear?" " Where are the children?" " They're here with me." " Call the neighbors." " No!" "Come, come quick." "Well, okay." "I'm on my way." "He's gone." " Have you seen him?" " I don't think so." "I haven't seen him." "He's gone." "Well, children, bedtime." " Good night, Dad." " I'm going with you." "Are you sleeping?" "You want to rest for a moment?" "I'm fine." "Do you think I'm scared or what?" "Well, I do not know." "Did he hit you?" "Well, he's a man." "What can we do?" "Ah, because he hits you." "Yes, you can put it like that." " You still love him when he hits you?" " Yes" " Do you love him because of that?" " Nothing scares him, not even cops." " Very good..." "You think I'm afraid?" " I do not know." "Answer me." " Do you think I'm afraid of you?" " Yes." " Well, goodbye." " Good night." " Thanks for coming." " Good night." " Nice to see you." " For me, too." "Why don't we ever see us?" " I don't know." "You're amazing." "You never know why you do things and why you don't." "Your subconscious fascinates me." "I have to say I met someone." "You say that to change the subject." "I want to talk about you." "Precisely." "I met a woman." "And Annie?" "You're not with her?" "No." "What about the children?" " How did you meet?" " On the street." "I was waiting for a whore." " A whore?" " Yes" "Remember when you said that you never would go with prostitutes?" "Annie had a lover and I took care of the children." "I thought that would be the solution." " Yes, but it was a whore." " Yes, but she was pretty." " Annie was unfaithful first?" " Yes" "But I stayed." "Because of the children." "And at the end of the tunnel was Justine." "Yes, Justine." "She also wasn't well with her partner." "And you met." "You're lucky." "Tell me why we never see each other?" "I say: "I do not know, I know. " But I know." " Why did you call me?" " To see you." "Yes, but why today?" "Because today Justine's not at home." " There you go." " What?" "Well, only women count for you." "I've written an article about the image for tomorrow's newspaper." "I won't read you it to you because I know it ill bore you" "You are wrong." "Just the final part." "We have the freedom of law but not of life." "The power of money, media and the police imposes an image of freedom, the freedom they offer us," "which prevents us from imagining what freedom could be like, our freedom." "We are also unable to think collectively what we feel individually:" "That we are not free." "That's why each one fights alone unaware even of what he does, bound by work, on which depends his survival and the survival of his loved ones, isolated in his life's time, which nevertheless, he must govern." "When will this end?" " Hello." " Hello." " Everything's fine?" " Well, thanks." "We put on your coat because we're going to the park." "Where do you put your hand?" "I would say three or four centimeters at the waist and sleeves." "Turn around." "Excuse me, turn around." "There you go." "Do not move." "That's good." "Do you understand?" "A four year old girl sees a needle and takes it." "The children get over it." "Do not worry." "Annie is not crazy, she cares." "She loves the children just like you." "Yes, but the needle was there." "If you start worrying about children you'll go crazy." "Do you think you can protect them from everything if they live with you?" "No." "If Annies' lover leaves the syringes around, it's not your fault." "Even so..." "There's no "even so"." "You are no longer together." "You see them three times a week." "You love them, they love you." "Her mother loves them." "She cares." "And you'll continue living separate lives, with the children between you, and everything is fine." "That's it." "Well." " Dad, it's true you took drugs?" " What?" "Mama said you took drugs." "Of course not." "What do you think?" "You lie, I know you're lying." "Of course not!" "What story is this!" "You're lying!" "What's happening?" "I was changing when I remembered I had left my socks and when I turned around I saw the boss kissing his lover." "Yes?" "That's not serious." "It's serious." "There was a meeting and he said I could not stay." "Because it's not good for the brand." "Why should you care." "You just did it for the money." " Really" " Really." "It's not serious." "I'm coming home tomorrow." "You swine!" "Swine!" "Swine!" "Are you going?" "I love you." "What time is it?" "It is three and a half." "You don't love me!" "Of course I do." "You don't love me!" "Sure I do." "I was having coffee at the cafe." "Come." " Tell me, dad." " What?" " Mum is no longer with Moanda." " Really?" "He left with another woman" "And mum threw all his stuff in the trash." "Really?" "And what does the drug do?" "It makes you feel good for about eight hours and then it makes you feel very bad." " For a long time?" " Yes, until you take it again." "But what if you only try it once?" "Some drugs can hurt you even with just one try." "Did you take it?" "No!" "I already told you." "But Mona did." "And she died from it." "You can return to live with the children." "No." "Yes." "If you're not happy with me." "I've been thinking a lot about you lately." "I remember the first years being separated from your mother." "It took me five years not feel guilty about abandoning you and your brothers." "Maybe since I grew up without a father I thought you could do it, too." "Maybe it was, unconsciously, a revenge for having been abandoned by him." "He died when I was five." "A war fatality." "At least this is what they told us." "We lived in Morocco, but he remained in France." "Why did you leave mother?" "We no longer understood each other." "She wanted to run everything." "She wanted more children." "I didn't." "One hundred reasons or none it's the same." "And Françoise?" "How do you know about her?" " Mom told you something?" " No." "I read her name in the divorce agreement." " Ah!" "Do you have it?" " No." "Françoise was only one reason... a pretext." "Pretext or reason, when it comes to divorce it's the same thing." "Well, but she was there." "You mean you only divorce because of someone else?" "Perhaps." "But it changes nothing." "If there's someone it's because there was room for someone." "It's the same, don't you think?" "Finally, after ten years I realize that it is useless to feel guilty of something that one cannot avoid." "Life is much stronger than all remorse." "And remorse has no place in love stories." "To accept the risk of love is to accept the risk of death." "Of a certain death, yours or the other's." "Of hatred also, a certain hate." "That's life." "It is dialectical, as the other fellow said." "Evidently the toughest part are the children." "They are not guilty of anything." "By abandoning them, you know deep down that you are doing better than living with someone you do not love anymore." "Obviously, they may not think so." "They think you're wrong and left because you don't love them." "They think you should stay with them." "That's normal." "They are thinking about themselves, just like you are." "The difference is that you are also them." "Maybe you leave a gift when you leave and they will think that they would be happier if you had stayed." "Only you know that you did the right thing, that you had no other choice, which is essentially the same thing." "In any case, it's your responsibility and you must assume it." "See?" "Always with his shirt out." " Do you smoke?" " No." "Why don't you tell him to quit?" "I do, but he doesn't listen." "He listens to no one." "Why not talk of something more interesting?" "How you do at school?" "The school is always the same." "Are you still on top of the class?" "I was always last." "Well, great." "Goodbye, Camille." " Bye." "Well, I'm going." "Until next week." "No, until Thursday." "Thursday?" "Today is Tuesday." "On Thursday you will see the girl." "Yes, true." "What do you do this Thursday, Camille?" " He is on vacation." " Will you come with us?" "Yes." "I will pick you two up at noon." "Do not forget to say that you know famous people." "What?" "When you go with children do not forget to say you know famous people." "I do not understand." "Whatever." "Well, goodbye!" " Good evening, sir." " Good evening, madame." "You are my love." "My love, that's you." " Hello?" " Philippe?" " Yes" " It's me." " Hey, all right?" " Do you know where your father is?" " No." "Why?" " I think he's in the hospital." "How?" "Not sure, but I had a date with him today and they told me..." " Who?" "Which hospital?" " I don't know." "Could you..." " Okay, I'll keep you informed." " Bye." "Hi, Dad." "I'm glad you're here but it was not necessary, you know?" " How are you doing, Dad?" " Okay." "I leave tomorrow." "It's nothing." "Just a scare." "Since you are here" "I want to say many things to you." "We must be honest" "Especially with ourselves." "I've spent my life acting." "Running away." "I was wrong." "Wrong." "You haven't told anyone, I hope?" "No." "Nobody should know." "Not even your brothers." "Only you and Thérèse." "Nobody else." "Your father, you know?" "My father?" "No, my father." "Your grandfather." "He died." "Like Baudelaire he went crazy before dying." "Completely crazy." "Keep that to yourself!" "Also about your mother, I want to tell you..." "Well, my mother was very noble." "She had had a bad marriage, as they said in her family." "She was very noble, you understand?" "I count on you and your children." " Do you understand?" " Yes" " I can count on you?" " Yes, Dad." "I wanted to tell you about your children..." "I had no time last time." "Teach them to be honest with themselves." "That is all." "Enough." "Do you understand?" "Yes, Dad." "You do your job well." "Teach them to do it like you do." "Promise me?" "Yes, yes." "I want you to remember this!" "You want me to bring anything?" "No." "I'm a little tired." "Let me rest." " I'll come back tomorrow." " Sure." "Be a good boy." "Take care." "You too, Dad." " Do not tell anyone, eh?" " No, no." "I am happy to be pregnant of you." "Yes?" "We'll have a child, you know?" "Yes." "We will have a child together."