"Hello, friend." "Do you want to paaaarty?" "Yes, no, yes, no..." "That's cute." "Are you gonna go?" "I guess I have to." "Hey, mr." "Eric." "It's lizzie exley." "And of course I can come to your 27th birthday party." "I miss hearing your voice." "So send hello to the boys for me and have a good day." "Bye." "I think that janice is secretly hooking up with abujay again." "Oh, not that guy." "She says he's taking advantage of her, but it's happened, like, 4 times." "Hey, girls aren't worth the trouble." "That's why I don't date." "Is that why?" "Heh heh..." "Hey." "No." "I don't need to date." "I got tivo." "My ex-stepdad's car broke down again." "I'm not calling him back." "He always needs a ride to some 12-step meeting or something." "Hey, you know who I had sex with last night?" "Lucy liu, lisa ling..." "Oh, and who's that, uh, chick from crouching tiger?" "Ang lee?" "Yes." "Oh, god, she's so hot!" "I mean, tivo be my pimp, yo." "Greg's not dating a computer chip, eugene." "He's dating a real-life breathing woman who cheats on him all the time." "Greg, you gotta stand up for yourself, dawg." "Well, dude, what if I stand up for myself and then she breaks up with me like lizzie did to you?" "Oh, like lizzie did to me?" "Lizzie cheated on me once, and I dumped her broke ass." "And now, I'm the man." "I'm calling the shots." "Case in point:" "Hey, mr." "Eric." "It's lizzie exley." "And of course I can come to your 27th birthday party." "And that's from a group e-vite, bitch!" "Yeah!" "Someone wants a little piece of eric back." "# unh, 'cause it's hard to stay away # # unh, it's so hard to stay away # # say what?" "Say what?" "#" "Bulk mart rules!" "Does anyone even have a popcorn popper?" "Well, I think we've finally got all of it." "So, stevie, what do you want to do with the rest of saturday?" "Uh, sit right here." "Oh, but it's so pretty out." "Well, it's always pretty out." "It's california." "We're gonna eat all this cookie dough!" "You guys are pigs." "Yep." "Ha ha!" "You guys, um, you know, I don't know if you're into this, uh, stuff, or, you know, if this is your bag or not, really, but, um," "the girls gone wild 5-tape solid gold uncensored and beyond box set has arrived." "It's here." "It came!" "What up!" "Oh, my god." "This is the greatest day ever." "Why are you so happy about it?" "I'm just happy for him." "He ordered it a long time ago." "Well, they're really immature." "Oh, is it immature, mommy?" "Is that it, mommy?" "I thought breasts made food, mommy." "What's so immature about that, huh, mommy?" "Ha ha ha ha ha!" "They are so pathetic." "Their idea of a good time is eating large quantities of candy and watching porn." "Why did we even go to bulk mart?" "Because you save money." "Well, I didn't." "I maxed out my credit card." "And now I have enough tampons to last me to menopause." "And hair dye?" "What am I gonna do with 20 hair-dyeing kits?" "I don't even dye my hair." "You know what?" "I used to do dye jobs at my auntie's shop, expressions." "And I think you'll look gorgeous with some highlights." "Oh, my gosh." "You would look so pretty." "I don't know." "No, no, no, no." "You would look gorgeous." "Just, like, a couple." "Just really, really subtle." "Just a couple of highlights in the front to frame your face." "Oh, my god, you would look so pretty." "Really?" "Mm-hmm." "Yeah." "Ok." "Let's do it!" "Let's do it!" "Of course I can come to your 27th birthday party." "I miss hearing your voice." "So send hello to the boys for me, and have a good day." "That smells like a booty call." "That is a make-love call, greg." "So what?" "So she called you." "Dude, she didn't even have to call me." "I sent her an e-mail." "She could have just clicked "yes"" "next to "are you coming?" But no, she called." "Dude, are you smoking pot in here?" "We're not smoking pot, rex." "Dude, I know what it smells like, all right?" "Papa sucked a bit of it down in his time, ok?" "This is my house." "I didn't have to let you live here after your mama kicked me out, did I?" "Dude, we don't even smoke pot, man." "Let me tell you something." "I inhale your secondhand smoke?" "By noon, I'm smoking a crack pipe, you hear me?" "I gotta keep it on the straight and narrow." "I know." "I know you know, brougham." "Eugene?" "Lay off the steak-ums, ok?" "Papa's got a big appetite, but I can't pay for it." "She's just so sweet." "It's practically pity." "It is not pity, greg." "It is... it's passion." "Passion?" ""Have a good day, and say hello to the boys."" "Yeah, that's..." "I'm all hot now, eric." "I could be hitting that in a half an hour." "Oh, yeah, you think?" "I know it." "You want to bet?" "Yeah." "Fine." "Let's go, man." "Gentleman's bet." "Gentleman's bet." "We'll see about this." "We'll see who's laughing in a second." "Call her up." "# all rolled into one #" "# I'm a bitch, I'm a lover #" "# I'm a child, I'm a mother #" "# I'm a sinner, I'm a saint #" "# I do not feel ashamed # she's not there, man." "I'm calling again." "Yo, eugene, call her on her cell phone, all right?" "I don't have her number." "Dude, you know her number!" "Call her on her cell phone!" "Uh, lizzie, um, that's under "l."" "Ok." "Oh, got it." "# I'm nothing in between # # you know you wouldn't want it any other way #" "I'm going to message, guys." "Oh, it's going to message." "No, dude." "Don't leave a message." "Oh, leave a message?" "All right." "No, just hang up." "Nothing's happening." "What should I do?" "Should I leave a message?" "Push "end."" "Uh, what's "key guard?"" "Greg, answer me, man." "Should I leave a message?" "Dude, mine's going to message, too." "Do I leave a message?" "Should I leave a message?" "No, man." "Hang up." "Push "end."" "Push "end," eugene." "Greg, I'm going to message." "Do I leave a message or not?" "Wait one second." "Greg, do I leave a message or not?" "!" "Like this..." "I did." "It's not working." "Somebody answer me." "Do I leave a message or not?" "Hang up." "I'm hanging up." "Come on." "Get your guys' stuff together." "We're going to the college." "Again?" "What?" "Oh, come on." "Up!" "Up and at 'em!" "Everybody out!" "Dude, this is terrible, man." "I hate this, man." "I feel like horrible things are about... dude, I'm going to my friend's house, greg." "There's nothing wrong with that." "I go to your guys' houses all the time." "But, dude, you're not her friend, eric, man." "You're some kind of stalker who needs to drive slower, man." "That's not a friend face." "Dude, I went out with her for 4 years." "Obviously, she's my friend." "You must be good friends if you're ok with her having sex with someone else." "Rachel, yours looks so beautiful." "How does mine look?" "Good." "So this is just, like, the first step of a 2-step process, right?" "No, this it." "This how highlights supposed to look." "This how we did it at expression." "I'm so excited." "Heh heh heh." "Me, too." "Heh." "I wasn't trying to make you cry." "I was just saying that what if steven is there and they're having sex or whatever?" "Dude, eugene, it's fine, man, but I don't need to hear that." "Dude..." "This is the right move, man, I'm telling you." "It doesn't feel that way, greg." "It is, but in the meantime?" "Dude, you gotta nail another chick." "Nail another chick, man?" "I don't know, greg." "Janice has got this friend." "Dude, her name is alice." "She's so crazy stupid hot it's like... she's good to go." "And she likes big guys." "Yo, why didn't you hook us up?" "If you love lizzie, you'll nail alice." "It'll be therapeutic." "# ain't nothing wrong with that # # we hittin' switches # # ain't nothing wrong with that # # we pimpin' bitches # # ain't nothing wrong with that # # get in your cabbage #" "# ain't nothing wrong with that # # we livin' lawless # # ain't nothing wrong with that #" "it's so unclassy." "I'd never... it's classy!" "It's very classy!" "Believe in yourself." "Do it." "Just do it." "Come on." "Look, she's about to do it right now." "Oh, god, do it." "Aww." "Come on." "Show 'em." "She's walking around for a half an hour." "Just... please." "She looks like helen hunt." "She's got her bead." "Why wouldn't she do it already, for god's sake?" "Show them!" "Um, uh, steven?" "Lizzie's asking for you." "You destroyed my hair!" "But I'm, like..." "I'm a classy girl." "I've never done... all right, just pause it till I come back, ok?" "Oh, my god!" "I've never..." "Come on, what are you doing?" "Here it is." "Here it is." "Oh!" "Oh, my god!" "See?" "And she built up suspense." "It was better that she did that." "Wow." "Uh, that's cool." "It's like..." "I like the stripes." "It's not cool." "It's horrible." "What?" "No." "Why do you say that?" "Why... why is it horrible?" "Because tina ruined my hair." "I think you look sexy." "Yeah, you know?" "I mean, I think it'll look really pretty when it's dry." "It couldn't be any drier." "Oh, my god!" "Steve, you gotta see this!" "Wait." "No." "Steven, steven." "Just be her boyfriend." "What does that mean?" "Just tell her everything's gonna be ok." "Hello." "Hey." "Damn." "Mmm." "Hi, baby." "Hey." "Hey." "Welcome to kopy town." "So are you eric?" "Only if you're alice." "Heh heh." "What's up?" "Um, so, call me when you guys need a ride, ok?" "Where are you going?" "I have a sore throat." "Where's mine going?" "What do you want me to say?" "Bleeah?" "Yeah." "I like to say, "buhh, buhh."" "Oh, god!" "Hey!" "Uh-oh!" "Hello." "They should give us beads for looking at those." "This is a total nightmare." "I'm gonna need a wig." "Oh, no, no." "Don't worry." "Rachel will fix it before you can say, "bad hair day."" "Heh heh." "Now, I am just gonna be in the other room, and you can call me when you're done, ok?" "No." "Sit with me." "Come on." "I'm scared." "Hold my hand." "Steven!" "I've discovered your new mother!" "Yeah, and she's young and drunk!" "So it's gonna, uh, it's gonna look beautiful, uh, really soon." "Right, rachey-rache?" "Yeah, it looks great." "Heh." "See?" "Great." "Oh, man!" "No hesitation, no hesitation." "So is that the whore?" "Alice." "What?" "No, it's all right." "Uh, yeah." "Yeah, that's the whore." "A tongue stud, huh?" "That's very, uh..." "that's very sexy." "You likey?" "I, uh..." "I do." "I likey." "It does the trick." "Ha ha ha ha." "What trick?" "Oh, god." "You know, I've always wondered where copy shops keep their paper." "Um, that would be the..." "the paper dungeon." "Well, I'd love to see it." "Mmm." "Mmm!" "Mmm." "Mmm." "Mmm." "Mmm!" "Mmm!" "Uh, uh, are you ok?" "I..." "I think I swallowed something." "Like a..." "Oh." "Like a tooth or gum or something." "Um, I..." "I think you..." "you swallowed my tongue stud." "Oh, did I?" "I'm so sorry." "Oh, my god." "Don't worry about it." "I'm sorry." "I'm an idiot." "It's fine." "It's fine." "Don't worry about it." "Janice's brother swallowed my tongue stud, too." "Just when it comes out the other end, just give it to janice, and then she'll pass it along." "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "Dude, that was in another guy's ass?" "What?" "I cleaned it." "I can't..." "I can't do this." "I need for you to understand..." "I think you're such a special girl." "And I'm so sorry if I did anything to hurt you." "Please say something." "This is so lame." "You know what?" "This sucks." "Let's meet celeste at abujay's condo." "Oh, my god." "Shut up!" "I knew it." "You've been screwing abujay again, haven't you?" "You know, you would think that." "And that is why I would now!" "Get the hell out of here!" "You get the hell out of here!" "I never want to see you again!" "What are you doing?" "I'm calling lizzie, man." "I tried to stop him." "You're gonna call that whore after what she did to you?" "Do not ever call lizzie a whore." "You called her a whore, man." "Greg, listen to me." "Do not call my girlfriend a whore." "First of all, she's not your girlfriend, eric." "She's not any of our girlfriends!" "You better switch gears, greg, you hear me?" "You better switch gears real fast, my man." "You're gonna get your balloon popped." "Oh, you're gonna pop my balloon?" "Yeah." "Come on, man!" "I'm right here!" "Ah!" "Oh, god." "The workcentre pro." "Oh!" "Get out of here." "Both of you." "I want you guys out of here." "Are we in trouble?" "Get out of here, man." "Get out of here!" "Get the hell out of here!" "If my hair doesn't get fixed," "I'll kill myself." "No, you just dye it back." "It's not that simple, steven." "If I dye my hair too many times, it will all fall out." "And if I don't, I will look like shrek." "Ok, I'm sorry that I don't know about the intricacies of hair dyeing." "Stop yelling at me!" "Haven't I already been through enough today?" "Bad dye job?" "I can fix it." "You know what, perry?" "This is neither the time nor the place." "No, no." "I'm being sincere." "My own hair went gray when I was 15, so I have to dye it, like, you know, once a week." "Really?" "Oh, now I'm the freak?" "Ok, stick with that, garfield." "Well, are you sure you can do it well?" "Have you seen me?" "I'll get my stuff." "His hair actually does look pretty good." "Hello." "What?" "What are you doing?" "What are you doing?" "I am studying." "Really?" "What are you studying?" "Psychology." "Oh, is that right?" "'Cause you're insane..." "I know." "Give me the camera." "No." "Give it to me." "No!" "Arrgh!" "I'm redbeard the pirate, and I've come for your booty." "I think you're so masculine." "Oh, you do?" "Mmm." "That tasted good." "Come here, baby." "You should turn the camera off." "Ok." "It is not off!" "You gonna love me forever, baby?" "Of course." "Mm-hmm." "Promise?" "Of course." "Forever?" "Forever and ever and ever." "Oh, you want to talk about your relationship?" "Yeah, I would like to." "You know what a relationship is?" "Real exciting love affair..." "That turns into ongoing nightmare..." "Sobriety hangs in peril." "Or something like that." "I got it tattooed on my back." "You want to read it?" "When you want to talk to me about it... you want to read it?" "You want to check the arm?" "I know about the arm, rex." "Maybe it's time to check it." "Sometimes I check it..." "And it's on my arm." "Whatever." "I miss lizzie, man." "I miss her so much." "She's a good girl, man." "I know." "I know." "Reminds me of another girl..." "I once knew." "Who?" "Her name is your mother." "I'll tell you something, buddy." "There is nothing as good as the love of a good woman..." "Except ecstasy." "You want to do some ecstasy?" "No, man." "Neither do I. And I was testing you." "And guess what?" "You passed the test." "Let's do some more reps." "Let's do some more reps." "Come on." "I got this oiled and wrapped." "Now I need towels." "Rachel, that's all you." "Tina, do we have conditioner?" "Yeah." "A half gallon." "On standby." "Um, hey, perry, like, around how long does this take?" "If you don't want to be here... would you stop snapping at me?" "I'm not the one who messed up your hair, am I?" "I'm..." "I'm..." "I'm supporting you." "Oh, by trying to get out of here to watch a bunch of drunk hos show their boobs for no reason?" "For no reason?" "They do it for beads." "You're a jerk." "Eric never would have treated me this way." "Wow." "Eric." "Well, you know, why don't you call eric up so you can yell at him instead of me." "Thank you very much." "Peace." "Uh-oh." "Goon squad." "What's up?" "Hey, eugene, my guy's back from portland if you're interested." "Oh." "Aren't you on probation?" "Yeah, man." "I was just talking about for you, you know?" "I don't know, you know, what your deal is." "No judgment, you know?" "Aren't you going to a.A.?" "I've been trying to get a ride all day." "Can you guys give me a ride?" "Hey... hey, dude." "Um, have you seen eric?" "Head case?" "Stewing in the car." "Cool." "Thanks, man." "Hey, come on, man." "We gotta go if we're gonna beat traffic." "Where are we going?" "To campus." "See lizzie." "There's no traffic on saturday." "Get in." "Let's beat traffic." "Shotgun." "Oh!" "Come on." "Get in, guys." "Let's go!" "So what did I miss?" "We ran out of tapes." "No boobs, no p.B." "Oh, I am so full." "I feel dirty." "I..." "I don't like myself now." "Hey, hal?" "You want to take one of these?" "Here." "Spring break." "Wow." "I'll get this right back to you..." "When I'm done with it." "So, dudes, is there any of that cookie dough left?" "Hey, wait a minute." "What the hell?" "No!" "No!" "No!" "For god's sake, don't do it!" "Oh, my god!" "# love gets you twisted # # love gets you twisted all the way # # the hearts are enlisted here # # the hearts are enlisted to break the chain #" "# I try to straighten out, but I'm # # too wrapped up to see #" "# I don't know # # how it's supposed to be # # love gets you twisted # # love gets you twisted inside out #" "# I have no doubt # # when she's in my arms, I get # # tangled up, it's true #" "# I can't see # # the other point of view # # and love gets you twisted # # love gets you twisted #" "I am so sorry." "Your hair looks beautiful." "Better than girls gone wild?" "Oh, it's prettier than every girl gone wild." "Their hair sucks." "That's all I wanted." "God, their hair sucks." "Oh." "# when love gets you twisted... # close the door." "Close the door." "# when love gets you twisted # # when love gets you twisted... #" "I want you to know I got your message," "I think it's great you're coming to my party, and I'll see you later." "Ok." "Bye." "That sounded good." "Like you didn't need her at all." "Then we're good." "I got her right where I want her." "Oh, hey, uh, could you, uh, could you give this to alice for me?" "She's hot, man." "I..." "I think she might like you." "Tongue stud?" "Where'd you get that?" "Wow, man." "Thanks for the solid." "I want eugene." "Eugene's so hot." "Mmm!" "I want eugene." "Really cool." "Where'd you get it?"