"Good evening, I welcome all the fans of Terry Pratchett, but also all the others, who don't belong to them yet and just decided to see a play." "So, we are in the Theatre in Dlouhá street and you'll see the dramatisation of the cult book from british writer Terry Pratchett called "Wyrd sisters" from his fantasy series Amazing Discworld." "The play is on stage from 2001 and is directed by Hana Burešová." "And without further ado, I invite you to the world of humor and fantasy but also magic and spells." "We ask the visitors of the Disc theatre to switch off their zell phones." "We also point to the ban of photographing, ct scans and videorecording, especialy with flashes and thunderstorms." "Thank you!" "Cast" "Granny Weatherwax, a witch Nanny Ogg, a witch Magrat Garlick, a witch" "Death Verence, late king of Lancre" "Leonal Felmet:" "Duke of Lancre Lady Felmet:" "Duchess, his wife" "Vitoller: an actor-manager Fool: a fool" "Tomjon, son of Verence Hwel: a playwright" "When shall we three meet again?" "In thunder and storm!" "Well, I can do next Tuesday." "I'm babysitting on Tuesday." "For our Jason's youngest." "I can manage Friday." "Hurry up with the tea, luv." "I'm that parched." "You said it quite well." "Just a bit more work on the screeching." "Ain't that right, Nanny Ogg?" "Very useful screeching I thought, Granny Weatherwax." "And I can see that Goody Whemper, may-she-rest-in-peace, gave you a lot of help with the squint." "It's a good squint." "Thank you." "I'm glad we decided to form this coven." "Oven?" " Coven." "Like in the old days." "A meeting." " You mean, when we kicked the legs up..." "No!" "No crazy dancing, we are too old for that." " Prickle, pri..." " No stupid songs eith..." "Beware!" "Something's coming!" " Can you tell by the pricking of your thumbs?" "No, the pricking of my ears." " Hoofbeats?" "No-one would come up here this time of night" "What's to be afraid of?" " Us!" "HELLO!" "I'm king, mark you." " WAS." "I SAID WAS." "IT'S CALLED THE PAST TENSE." "YOU'LL SOON GET USED TO IT." " Are you Death, fellow?" "I HAVE MANY NAMES." " So it was Felmet!" "My father said I should never let him get behind me." "Why don't I feel angry?" "GLANDS." "ADRENALIN AND EMOTIONS." "YOU DON'T HAVE THEM." "ALL YOU HAVE NOW IS THOUGHT." "THIS IS VERY IRREGULAR..." "HOWEVER, WHO AM I TO ARGUE?" "Who indeed." " WHAT?" "I said, who indeed." " SHUT UP." "I SUPPOSE NO-ONE MENTIONED ANYTHING TO YOU?" " Say again?" "NO PREMONITIONS?" "STRANGE DREAMS?" "MAD OLD SOOTHSAYER SHOUTING THINGS AT YOU IN THE STREET?" "About what?" "Dying?" " NO, I SUPPOSE NOT." "THEY LEAVE IT ALL TO ME." "Who do?" "FATE." "DESTINY." "ALL THE REST OF THEM." "I'M AFRAID, YOU'RE DUE TO BECOME A GHOST." "DON'T LET IT UPSET YOU." "AND NOW I REALLY MUST BE GOING" "Just hold on there!" "Is that all?" "I mean, how long will I be a ghost?" "UNTIL YOU HAVE FULFILLED YOUR DESTINY, I ASSUME." " And how will I know what my destiny is?" "CAN'T HELP THERE." "I'M SORRY." "BUT UNTIL THEN, YOU HAVE TO HAUNT HERE." "Take away the body." "There!" "Won't anyone be able to see me?" " OTHER GHOSTS." "AND THE PSYCHICALLY INCLINED." "AND CATS, OF COURSE." "I hate cats!" "I SEE." "YOU LIKE GREAT BIG DOGS." "So no more hunting?" "Feasts?" "Wurst?" "Eggs?" "But I'm hungry!" "IT'S ONLY YOUR IMAGINATION." "YOU CAN'T TOUCH ANYTHING." "EVERYTHING WOULD FALL THROUGH YOU." "Not even a drop of beer?" "FORGET IT." "TRY TO DO SOMETHING ELSE." "SOME PEOPLE LIKE TO BE GHOSTS, PERHAPS TO SEE HOW THEIR DESCENDANDS LIVE." "SORRY?" "IS SOMETHING THE MATTER?" " Where is he?" "Where is my baby boy?" "DON'T MIND ME, WILL YOU." "BUSY, BUSY." "It's all right." "You will give it to me." " No." "You are witches?" "Does the skin of witches turn aside steel?" "Not that I'm aware." "You could give it a try." "Sir, with respect sir, it's not a good idea –" " Be silent." "But it's terrible bad luck to –" "Must I ask you again?" "Sir." "Missed." "Your peasant magic is for fools, mother of the night." "I can strike you down where you stand." "Then strike, man." "If your heart tells you, strike as hard as you dare." "I couldn't let..." "He shouldn't have..." "It's not right to..." "They'll kill me now." "You did what you thought was right." "I didn't become a soldier for this." "Not to go round killing people." "Exactly right." "If I was you, I'd become a sailor." "Yes, a nautical career." "I should start as soon as possible." "Now, in fact." "Run off, man." "Run off to sea where there are no tracks." "You will have a long and successful life, I promise." "At least, longer than it's likely to be if you hang around here." "Now, will someone please tell me what's going on?" "Perhaps they were bandits." "Strange." "They both wear the same badge." "Anyone know what it means?" "It's the badge of King Verence." "Who's he?" " He rules here in Lancre." "Oh." "That Verence." "The King." "It's a baby." "A baby boy." "Anything else in there?" "There's this." "Oh." "Bloody hell." "Certainly, my dear." "What?" "I'll have some cut down and brought in directly, my cherished." "Cut what down?" "Oh, the trees." "What have the trees got to do with it?" "What I said was, how could you have been so stupid as to let them get away?" "I told you that servant was far too loyal." "You can't trust someone like that." "No, my love." "You didn't by any chance consider sending someone after them, I suppose?" "Bentzen, my dear, and another guard." "Oh." "He wouldn't have needed to go at all if only you'd listened to me." "But you never do." "Do what, my passion?" "For God's sake, leave your hands alone." "You've washed them five times in the last half hour." "Go to bed!" "Going to bed?" "Hear!" "Cripple Mister Onion!" "There is a knocking without!" "Without what?" "Without the door, idiot." "A knocking without a door?" "This isn't some kind of Zen, is it?" "What's a Zen?" "Oh, a subsect of the Turnwise Klatch philosophical system of Sumtin," "noted for its simple austerity and the offer of personal tranquillity and wholeness achieved through meditation and breathing techniques;" "an interesting aspect is the asking of apparently nonsensical questions in order to widen the doors of perception." "How's that again?" "I'faith, nuncle, thou't more full of questions than a martlebury is of mizzensails." "Who dost knock without?" "Without?" "Without what?" "If you're going to bugger about, you can bloody well stay without all day." "No!" "I must see the duke upon the instant!" "Witches are abroad!" "Good time of year for it." "Wish I was, too." "Witches?" " Witches." "Witches!" "To Mommy" "It's obvious!" "It's destiny." "Trouble is, just because things are obvious doesn't mean they're true." "Goochy goo" "Stop gurgling like that!" "It's annoying." "You're not after telling me how to look after a child, me with fifteen of my own?" "First, we've got to take him away from here, a long way away, where no-one knows who he is." "And then there's this." "Oh, that's easy." "I mean you just hide it under a stone or something." "Much easier than babies." "It isn't." "The reason being, the country's full of babies, and they all look the same." "But I don't reckon there's many crowns." "They have this way of being found, anyway." "They kind of call out to people's minds." "If you bunged it under a stone here, it'd get itself discovered by accident." "You mark my words." "What's that smell?" "I'll just see if there's any clean rags, eh?" "It's not even as if it looked much like a crown." "You've seen a lot, I expect." "You'd be an expert on them, naturally." "Seen a fair few." "They've got more jewels on them –" "Magrat Garlick!" "I have!" "When I was being trained by Goody Whemper..." "May-she-rest-in-peace may-she-rest-in-peace, she used to take me over to Razorback or Lancre whenever the strolling players were in town." "They've got more crowns than you could shake a stick at, although Goody used to say they're fake." "But they look more realler than this one." "Do you think that's strange?" "Things that try to look like things often do look more like things than things." "Well-known fact." "But I don't hold with encouraging it." "What do they stroll around playing, then, in these crowns?" "Don't you know about the theatre?" "Oh, yes." "It's one of them kind of things, is it." "Goody Whemper said it held a mirror up to life." "She said it always cheered her up." "Good people, are they, these theatre players?" "I think so." "And they stroll around the country you say?" "All over the place." "There's a troupe in Lancre now, I hear." "I haven't been because, you know... 'tis not right, a woman going into such places by herself." "Right." "And why not?" "Go and tell Gytha to wrap the baby up well." "It's a long time since I heard a theatre played properly." "He's killed him!" "Why isn't anyone doing anything about it?" "He's killed him!" "And right up there in front of everyone!" "It's all right." "He's not dead!" "Are you calling me a liar, my girl?" "I saw it all!" "Look, Granny, it's not really real, d'you see?" "I reckon it's all just pretending'." "Look, he's still breathing." "And look at his boots, too." "A real king'd be ashamed of boots like that." "This is a good bit." "I reckon I'm getting the hang of it" "Madam, will you kindly remove your hat?" "No" "All right" "Have a humbug, Esme." "Why're all them kings and people up there?" "They have lots of crowns." "It's a banquet, see." "Because of the dead king, him in the boots, as was, only now if you look you'll see he's pretending to be a soldier and everyone's making speeches about how good he was and wondering who killed him." "He done it!" "We all seed 'im!" "He done it with a dagger!" "I wonder how they get all them kings and lords to come here and do all this." "I'd have thought they'd been too busy." "Ruling and similar." "No." "I still don't think you quite understand." "They're just actors, you see." "Well, I'm going to get to the bottom of it." "You!" "You're dead!" "That's her!" "May I assist you, good ladies?" "I know you." "You done the murder." "Leave me out of this!" "Leastways, it looked like it." "So glad." "It is always a pleasure to meet a true connoisseur." "Olwyn Vitoller, at your service." "Manager of this band of vagabonds." "Yes, well." "I thought you was very good, too." "I hope we didn't upset things." "My dear ladies." "Could I begin to tell you how gratifying it is for a mere mummer to learn that his audience has seen behind the mere shell of greasepaint to the spirit beneath?" "I expect you could." "I expect you coud say anything, Mr Vitoller." "And now, to what do I owe this visit from three such charming ladies?" "We'd like to talk to you, Mr Vitoller." "And Mrs Vitoller." "Somewhere private." "Please, follow me, my dear ladies." "Granny, I'll follow you afterwards." "So we have witches here?" "Oh yes, majesty." "We have them all right." "Lots." "And people tolerate them?" "Oh, indeed." "It's considered good luck to have a witch living in your village." "Why?" "They smooth out life's little humps and bumps." "Tight here..." "Where I come from, they don't allow witches." "And I don't propose to allow them here." "You will furnish their addresses." "Majesty?" "I trust your tax gatherers know where to find them?" "I trust that they do pay taxes?" "Well, not exactly pay taxes, my lord." "It's more like they don't pay." "The old King didn't think..." "Well, they just don't." "I see." "Wow!" "You may go." "And by the way, go to visit the executioner to make and appointment with him." "Well." "Indeed." "That was how your family used to run a kingdom, was it?" "You had a positive duty to kill your cousin." "It was clearly in the interests of the species." "The weak don't deserve to survive." "Quite so." "Of course, there would appear to be many witches and it might be difficult to find the three that were on the moor." "So you'll be just idle?" "Where is the crown?" "And the child?" "He was given to the witches." "Do they do human sacrifice?" "Apparently not." "These witches... apparently they seem to cast a spell on people." "Well, obviously" "Not like a magic spell." "They seem to be respected." "It might be difficult to move against them." "I could come to believe that they have cast a glamour over you as well." "In fact, you like it, don't you?" "The thought of the danger." "I remember when we were married" "All that business with that knotted rope and belts..." "Not at all!" "Then what will you do!" "Yes, my petal!" "Sergeant!" "Yes, my lord?" "Go out into the town, and bring me a witch." "In chains, if necessary" "Me?" "What?" "Yes, my lord!" "Put matters in hand!" "Of course, my only one..." "Aw!" "In hand." "Thirsty Troll's" "Mrs Vitoller, may I make so bold as to ask something private?" "Was your union has been blessed with fruit?" "She means..." "No, I see." "No." "We had a little girl once." "Only, you see, there is this child." "And he needs a home." "It is no life for a child." "Always moving." "Always a new town." "And no room for schooling." "They say that's very important these days" "Why does he need a home?" "He hasn't got one." "At least not one where he'd be welcome." "And you are by way of being his...?" "Godmothers." "Money is, alas, tight." "But it will stretch." "Yes." "I think it will." "We should be happy to take care of him." "This should take care of ... nappies and suchlike." "Clothes and things." "A hundred times over, I should think." "Why didn't you mention this before?" "If I'd had to buy you, you wouldn't be worth the price." "What's his name?" "Tom." " Jon." "Tomjon." "I found a box." "It had all the crowns and things in." "So I put it in, right underneath everything." "Good." "Did anyone see you?" "No, but –" "Yes?" "Just after I'd hidden it a man came up and ... pinched my bottom." "Really?" "And then... and then... he said..." "What did he say?" "He said, 'Hello, my lovely, what are you doing tonight?" "'" "Old Goody Whemper, she didn't get out and about much, did she?" "It was her leg, you know." "But she taught you midwifery and everything?" "Oh, yes, that." "I done lots." "But... she never talked to you about what you might call the previous." "Sorry?" "You know... men and such." "What about them?" "I think that it might be a good idea if you have a quiet word with Nanny Ogg one of these days." "But not now." "#Hedgehog song#" "Not only deers look good with horns even dog or bird can have them." "Only hedgehog can't, stay out of this" "Even if the she-hedgehog is a dish." "Smile on the fox, visit her den you could go around the world for a bit of love" "Don't knock at hedgehogs, stay out of this" "Even if the she-hedgehog is a dish." "Every prickle erects on the old she-hedgehog when you warm her up." "But your single one will fade, fade." "She-hedgehogs are like that they can't even if they want to." "Prickle, prickle, I'll die from laughing, do you know where the hedgehogs do it really wild?" "Prickle, prickle, I'll die from laughing, when they have date in thistles." "Ow, ow!" "Bye, bye!" "You know, if we are his godmothers, we ought to have given him three gifts." "It's traditional." "Three gifts, eh?" "Haven't done one of them things since I was a gel." "You mean wealth, beauty and so?" "Well, money isn't everything, and if he takes after his father he'll be handsome enough." "Wisdom, do you think?" "That's something he'll have to learn for himself." "I know what he'll want!" "Something a bit less physical is generally the style of things." "I don't see what use that would be." "Wouldn't it be rather uncomfortable?" "He'll thank us when he grows up." "My first husband, he always said, when a man has..." "There's no need to go and spoil everything, Gytha." "Why do you always have to" "Well, at least I can say that I always liked it..." "I think that perhaps it would be a good idea if do it in our own way." "We're all rather tired and it needs the proper atmosphere." "Good idea." "Come, Gytha, it's been a long day and we're all rather tired." "Good night, sisters." "He will make friends easily." "Maybe it isn't much, but I always missed that." "How it goes..." "How it goes?" "!" "A bloody good memory is what he ought to have." "He'll always remmeber everything." "Let him be whoever he thinks he is." "That's all anybody could hope for in this world." "She did what?" "She give me a cup of tea, sir." "And what about your men?" "She give them one, too, sir." "Sergeant." "Sir?" "I mean, it is possible I may have confused you." "I meant to say 'Bring me a witch, in chains, if necessary', but perhaps what I really said was 'Go and have a cup of tea'." "Was this in fact the case?" "No, sir." "I wonder why, then, you did not in fact do this thing that I asked?" "Sir?" "I expect she said some magic words, did she?" "I imagine she offered you visions of unearthly delight?" "Did she show you... dark fascinations and forbidden raptures, the like of which mortal men should not even think of and demonic secrets that took you to the depths of man's desires?" "Are you all right, sir?" "What?" "Oh, perfectly, perfectly." "Only you've gone all red." "Don't change the subject, man." "Admit it she offered you hedonistic and licentious pleasures known only to those who dabble in the carnal arts, didn't she?" "No, sir." "She offered me a bun." "A bun?" "Yes, sir." "It had currants in it." "And what did your men do about this?" "They had a bun, too, sir." "All except young Roger, who isn't allowed fruit, sir, on account of his trouble." "He had a biscuit, sir." "You may go, Sergeant." "Sir." "Fool?" "Marry, sir..." "I am already extremely married." "Advise me, my Fool." "I'faith, nuncle." "Nor am I thy nuncle." "I feel sure I would have remembered." "If you preface your next remark with nuncle, i'faith or marry, it will go hard with you." "How do you feel about 'prithee'?" "Prithee I can live with." "So can you." "How long have you been a Fool, boy?" "Prithee, sirrah " "The sirrah... on the whole, I think not." "Prithee, sirra... sir." "All my life, sir." "And my father before me." "And my nuncle at the same time as him." "And my granddad before them." "And his " "Your whole family have been Fools?" "Family tradition, sir." "You come from these parts, don't you?" "Ma" " Yes, sir." "Tell me, Fool, does it always rain here?" "Marry, nuncle " "Just answer the question." "Sometimes it stops, sir." "To make room for the snow." "And sometimes we get some right squand'ring orgulous fogs." "Orgulous?" "Thick, my lord." "From the Latatian 'orgulum', a soup or broth." "I am bored, Fool." "Let me entertain you, my lord, with many a merry quip and lightsome jest." "Try me." "I'm waiting." "Make me laugh!" "Why, sirrah, why may a caudled fillhorse be deemed the brother to a hiren candle in the night?" "Withal, because a candle may be greased, yet a fillhorse be without fat argier." "Yes." "And then what happened?" "That, er, was by way of being the whole thing." "My granddad thought it was one of his best." "I dare say he told it differently." "What's happening?" "Is it an earthquake?" "We don't have them in these parts, my lord." "It's the witches, isn't it?" "They're out to get me, aren't they?" "Marry, nuncle " "They run this country, don't they?" "No, my lord, they never " "Who asked you?" "You did, my lord." "Are you arguing with me?" "No, my lord!" "I thought so." "You're in league with them, I suppose." "My lord!" "You're all in league, you people!" "Do you all hear me?" "I am the king!" "I am the king!" "That's right." "I'm the king..." "Is this a dagger I see before me, its handle pointing at my hand?" "Um." "No, my lord." "It's my handkerchief, you see." "You can sort of tell the difference if you look closely." "It doesn't have as many sharp edges." "Good." "Good, good." "Kneel before me, Fool." "Are you loyal, Fool?" "Are you trustworthy?" "I swore to follow my lord until death." "I didn't want to." "They made me do it." "I didn't " "Leonal!" "Yes, my dear?" "What was that earthquake?" "Witches, I suspect." "So." "They still defy you?" "The sergeant of the guard came back empty-handed." "Handed... handed." "You must have him executed." "To make an example to the others." "My dear, by the way, there seem to be fewer servants around than usual." "You know I would not normally interfere—" "Then don't." "Housekeeping is under my control." "I cannot abide slackness!" "What of these witches?" "How should I fight magic?" "With words." "What?" "In the Guild, we learned that words can be more powerful even than magic." "Clown!" "Words are just words." "Brief syllables." "How was it?" "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me." "My lord, there are such words that can." "Liar!" "Usurper!" "Murderer!" "Such words have no truth." "But they can spread like fire underground, breaking out to burn " "It's true!" "I hear them all the time!" "It's the witches!" "What words?" "Crone." "Evil eye." "Stupid old woman." "You are not entirely an idiot, are you?" "You refer to rumour." "Just so, my lady." "We must tell the world about the witches." "They're evil." "They make it come back, the blood." "Even sandpaper doesn't work." "What have I got myself into?" "I need some air." "Outside, to the forest." "I never asked to be a Fool, you know." "First thing I can remember is Granddad standing over me, making me repeat the jokes by rote, hammering home every punchline with his belt." "He was credited with seven official new jokes, you know." "He won the honorary cap and bells of the Grand Prix des Idiots at Ankh-Morpork four years in a row." "I remember, when I was about six," "I tried to make up a joke." "About duck!" "When I told Granddad he gave me the biggest thrashing of my life: 'You will learn, lad, that there is nothing more serious than jesting.'" "Never, never, ever, utter a joke that has not been approved by the Guild." "Never, never, never let me catch you joculating again." "Here's Woolly Fellwort." "And Treacle Worm-seed, which is for inflammation of the ears." "Abra Kadabra bellows white vapour rises from meadows." "and Five-leaved False Mandrake, sovereign against fluxes of the bladder." "Ah, and here's Old Man's Frogbit." "That's for constipation." "Hallo." "You are so.." "You are" "Aren't you" "Whoops." "Fuck!" "#A wizard's staff has a knob on the end!" "What he does with it is magic!" "#" "What ho, me old boiler." "Welcome!" "Have a shot." "Watcher, Magrat." "Have a seat" "We had rather small family party." "Noticed anything?" "My cat is missing." "Greebo is missing!" "While ago." "While ago someone danced on the table" "Fell into our Reet's pumpkin dip." "We had a good laugh, girls." "Something wrong with your eye, Esme?" "Noticed the earthquake?" "I see." "Wasn't the first time." "Extremely worrying developments of a magical tendency are even now afoot." "I had a visitor today." "The mayor of Lancre and a bunch of burghers." "If we're going to start, we'd better light the candles." "But we got this lovely new lamp our Tracie sent me." "Look, just one candle?" "All right, Just the one, mind." "And a decent white one." "Nothing fancy." "You ain't going to draw on the floor again, neither" "It took our Dreen days to clean up all those wossnames last time—" "Runes!" " Nevermind." "So what the burghers wanted?" "They're not happy about the Duke Felmet." "He knows only raising taxes, killing people and burning down the houses." "He had some houses burned down in Bad Ass." "Old Kind Verence used to do that." "Terrible temper he had." "He used to let people get out first, though." "He could be very gracious like that." "He'd pay for them to be rebuilt, as often as not." "If he remembered." "And every Hogswatchnight, a side of venison." "Regular." " Yeah, always." "Very respectful to witches, he was." "Felmet is far worse." "He had some people executed in Lancre, the other day for spreading malicious lies, he said." "He said Verence died of natural causes." "Well, being assassinated is natural causes for a king." "But usually they kill for a kingdom." "This Felmet hates the kingdom instead." "He's just power-hungry." "He'd scorch it." "The kingdom is worried!" "Roars!" "Sure." "And what we do with it?" "You know we can't meddle." "You saved that baby." "That's not meddling." "And you also ordered her to hide the crown." "It'll all come back, mark my words." "What have you told to the burghers?" "I told them they'll have to sort it out themselves." "Once we use magic, I said, it'd never stop." "You see." "Right." "They didn't like it much." "You know the Fool?" "Who lives up at the castle?" "Little man with runny eyes?" "Not that little." "What's his name, do you happen to know?" "He's just called Fool." "His mother was a Beldame, from over Blackglass way." "Bit of a beauty when she was younger." "Even the king fancied her..." "Why d'you want to know, Magrat?" "Oh, one of the girls in the village was asking me." "Not important at all." "It's a steady job." "No job for a man, that." "Running around with bells on." "She'd always know where he was." "Never trust a man with horns on his hat." "You're a pair of silly old women!" "And I'm going home!" "Well!" " Her brain is overheated." "It's all these books she reads today." "You haven't been putting ideas in her head, have you?" "What do you mean?" "'" "You know what I mean." "None of your girls is a witch!" "They could have been." "You shouldn't encouraging' them to throw themselves at men." "You can't stand in the way of human nature." "Where would we be if people had no children!" "You'd know that if you'd ever—" "If I'd ever what?" "I knew you when you were a gel." "Stuck-up, you were." "At least I spent most of the time upright." "Disgustin', that was." "Everyone talked about it." "And you were, too!" "They called you the Ice Maiden." "Never knew that, did you?" "I wouldn't sully my lips by sayin' what they called you." "Well, let me tell you, my good woman—" "I'm not anyone's good woman—" "Right!" "I should have known better than to listen to Magrat." "This coven business is ridiculous." "I'm very glad we had this little talk." "Cleared the air." "And you're in my territory, madam." "Madam!" "I really don't have time for all this." "Neither do I. I have to look for the cat." "Reet saw him in the castle." "Good night to you." "And you." "Greebo!" "Cat!" "Come back!" "Quite comfortable, are we?" "Apart from these stocks, you mean?" "Yeah." "I am impervious to your foul blandishments." "I scorn your devious wiles." "You are to be tortured, I'll have you know." "And then you will be burned." "Okay." "Your pleas fall on deaf..." "OKAY?" "A bit of warmth won't hurt." "It's bloody freezing down here." "This insouciance gives you pleasure, but soon you will laugh on the other side of your face!" " It's only got this side." "We shall see." "And you need not think any others of your people will come to your aid." "We alone hold the keys to this dungeon." "Ha ha." "You will be an example to all those who have been spreading malicious rumours about me." "I hear the voices all the time, lying!" "Enough!" "Come, Leonal." "We will let her reflect on her fate for a while." "The faces." "Wicked lies." "I wasn't there, and anyway he fell." " Come!" "All right, I can see you." "Who are you?" "I saw you making faces behind him," "All I could do to keep a straight face myself." "I wasn't making faces, woman, I was scowling." "Ere, I know you." "You're the dead king Verence." "I prefer the term "passed over"." "I fear, madam, that I may be responsible for your present predicament." "I borrowed your cat." "Where is Greebo?" "He's in the room upstairs, asleep." "I wished to attract you." "Only a witch can help me." "I suppose you're no good at locks?" "Shouldn't be a problem for the witch?" "Solid iron." "You might be able to walk through it but I can't." " I didn't realise." "I thought witches could do magic." "Young man, you will oblige me by shutting up." "Madam!" "I am a king!" "You are also dead." "Now just be quiet and wait, like a good boy." "I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with P." "Pliers?" " No." "Pilliwinks" " That's pretty name." "What is it?" "It's a kind of thumbscrew." "Look." "Choke-pear." " That's C and don't know what it is." "Spanish boot!" " You're a bit too good at these names." "You sure you didn't use them when you were alive?" "Absolutely, Nanny." "Boys that tell lies go to a bad place." "Lady Felmet had most of them installed herself." "Right, then." "It was "pinchers"." "But pinchers is just another name for pi" "We will begin with the Showing of the Implements." "Seen 'em." "Leastways all the ones beginning with" "P, S, I, T and W." "Then let us see how long you can keep that light conversational tone." "Light the brazier, Felmet." "I am a harmless old seller of apples." "Pray let me past, dearie." "No-one must enter the castle." "Orders of the Duke." "I know you, Champett Poldy." "I recall I laid out your granddad." "I gave you your first good hiding in this vale of tears and by all the gods if you cross me now I will give you your last." "But don't worry about it." "Have an apple." "So that's witches' magic, is it?" "Pretty poor stuff." "Maybe it frightens these country idiots, woman, but it doesn't frighten me." "I imagine it takes a lot to frighten a big, strong lad like you." "And don't you try to put the wind up me, neither." "Old ladies like you, twisting people around." "It shouldn't be stood for." " Just as you like." "Listen, I said..." "Oh my God!" "I've come to sell my lovely apples." "There's not a sale on, is there?" "You're not a witch, are you?" "Of course not." "Do I look like one?" "Quite so..." "Pass, apple seller." "Thank you." "Would you like an apple?" "No, thanks." "I haven't finished the one the other witch gave me." "Not a witch." "Apple seller." "How long ago was this?" "Just a few minutes." "An apple seller." "Don't stare!" "Well, she should know." "She wouldn't lie to me, right?" "Well, well." "Come to keep us company, have you, my pretty?" "I was looking for the dungeons." "I reckon we can help you there." "I should warn you, I am not, as I may appear, a simple apple seller." "Nice." "I am, in fact, a witch." "Awesome!" "I've always wondered what it was like to kiss a witch." "Around here they do say you gets turned into a frog." "I reckon, then, you kissed one years ago." "Now listen to me, sweetheart." "You ain't the first witch we've had down here, but you could be lucky, and walk out of here." "If you're nice to us, that is." "Let her go this minute!" "Or I'll report you!" "This is a witch we have here." "So you can go and tinkle somewhere else, you earwaxcoloured little twerp." "I told you to let her go." "Let go of him." "You're wondering whether I really would cut your throat." "I don't know either." "Think of the fun we could have together, finding out." "Right." "And now." "Run away" "Sure, ok." "Now where are dungeons?" "Here, but it's locked." "Are you really a witch?" "You don't look like one." "You look very... not like a, you know, crone at all, but absolutely beautiful..." "(Nevermind)" "I think you'd better stand back, Verence." "I'm not sure how this is going to work." "How did you know my name?" "Oh, I expect I heard it somewhere." "I shouldn't think so, I never use it." "I mean, it's not a popular name with the Duke." "It was me mom, you see." "They like to name you after kings, I suppose..." "Is that it?" "Wait." "It's not over yet." "Good technique." " Granny!" "But it's all old wood." "Lot of iron nails." "Can't see it working." "Took your time." "Let me out of this, will you?" "I'm getting cramp.and stuff in there." "Guards!" "Fool, fetch the guards!" "We were just leaving." "Are you the duke?" "But it would be better for you if you left this country." "Abdicate, resign or whatever." "In favour of whom?" "A witch?" "I won't." "What did you say?" "I said I won't." "I am king by right of conquest and you cannot change it." "It is as simple as that, witch." "If you defeat me by magic, magic will rule." "You can't do it." "Any king raised with your help would be under your power." "That which magic rules, it destroys." "It would destroy you, too." "You know it." "Ha, ha." "You could strike me down, and perhaps you could replace me." "But he would have to be fool indeed - like him." "because he would know he rules only with your permission." "And that would make him no king at all." "Is not that true?" "Yes." "Yes, it is true..." "But there is one who could replace you." "The child?" "Let him come when he is grown." "A young man with a sword, to seek his destiny." "Very romantic." "But I have many years to prepare." "Let him try." "Get back to your cauldrons, wyrd sisters." "Stay out of my way, nudist!" "You could give him Haemorrhoids, that's allowed." "You needn't fret." "They didn't do anything much." "I ain't worried about you, Gytha Ogg." "I only come along 'cos Magrat was fretting." "But thanks, anyway." "He's got us beaten!" "Can I see you again?" "Well ..." "I don'tknow." "How about tonight?" "No!" "I'm very busy tonight." "Tomorrow night, then?" "I think I should be washing my hair." "I could get Friday night free." "We do a lot of work at night, see..." "The afternoon, then?" " Well..." "About two o'clock." "In the meadow by the pond, all right?" "Well..." " See you there, then." "All right?" "I've got to go." "The meadow, Okay?" "Okay." "Esme, there's someone here to see you." "Verence, king of Lancre." "Do I have the honour of addressing Granny Weatherwax, doyenne of witches?" "I beg you, where is my son?" "We saw him safe out of the country, you see." "Very good family." "I beg you, Granny Weatherwax, to restore my son to the throne." "It's meddling, you see." "You're not going to help?" "Well... naturally, one day, when your lad is a bit older..." "What kind of kingdom will he come back to?" "I know Felmet." "Will you watch it change, over the years, become shoddy and mean?" "Remember, good sisters, the land and the king are one." "One what?" "We've got to do something." "Rules or no rules!" "Lock up a witch, would he?" "I'll bloody well show him what a witch can do!" "Yes, yes, only perhaps not right now." "Wyrd sisters, indeed!" "I'll make his" "Hold her a minute, Magrat!" "Thank you." "We'll meet tonight at the stone and do what must be done." "Whatever happened to the rule about not meddling in politics?" "There is another rule." "Esme's obeyed it all her life." "And what's that?" "When you break rules, break 'em good and hard!" "Girls, let's curse him!" "Homemade!" "We should keep a clear head, Gytha." "Alcohol is a deceiver and tarnishes the soul." "Just a drop in your tea isn't drinking." "It's medicine." "It's a chilly old wind up here, sisters." "Very well, but just a drop." "We ain't going to curse anyone." "It hardly ever works if they done know you've done it." "What you do is, you send him a doll of himself with pins in it " "No, Gytha." "All you have to do is get hold of some of his toenails." "No." "Or some of his hair or anything." "I've got some pins." "No." "Cursing people is morally unsound and extremely bad for your karma." "Well, I'm going to curse him, anyway." "Under my breath, like." "I could stink in that dungeon for all he cared." "We ain't going to curse him, we're going to replace him." "Oh, we've been through all that." "In about fifteen years time, perhaps, but..." "This year!" "A child on the throne?" "He wouldn't last five minutes." "Not a child." "A grown man." "Remember Aliss Demurrage?" "aka Black?" "Bloody hell." "You ain't going to try that, are you?" "I mean to have a go." "See here, Esme." "I mean, Black Aliss was one of the best." "I mean, you're very good at, well, headology and thinking..." "You're saying I couldn't do it, aren't you?" "Only... well, she was a, you know, a hoyden of witches, like the king said." "Doyenne." "Excuse me." "Who was Black Aliss?" "And none of this exchanging meaningful glances and talking over my head." "There's three of us in this coven, remember?" "She was before your time." "Before mine, really." "Lived over Skund way." "Very powerful witch." "She turned a pumpkin into a coach once." "Showy." "But the biggest thing she ever did was to send a whole palace to sleep for a hundred years until..." "I think some princess had to finger... no, there was a prince." "And he should finger..." "And then she was pregnant..." "That was it." "Finger a prince?" "No, he had to kiss her." "Very romantic, Black Aliss was." "Why did they call her Black Aliss?" "Fingernails." "And teeth." "She had a sweet tooth." "Lived in a real gingerbread cottage." "Couple of kids shoved her in her own oven at the end." "Shocking." "And you're going to send the castle to sleep?" "She never sent the castle to sleep." "That's just an old wives' tale." "She just stirred up time a little." "It's not as hard as people think." "Everyone does it all the time." "It's like rubber, is time." "You can stretch it to suit yourself." "I reckon twenty'd be a nice round number." "We just do the spell, go and fetch Tomjon, he can manifest his destiny, and everything will be nice and neat." "The whole of Lancre?" "Yes." "Twenty years into the future?" "Yes." "If I recall the spell, after you say it you have to fly round the kingdom before cock crow." "Yes." "You'll never do it." "Not round the whole kingdom in that, on your own." "I'm going to need some help." "Bleeding bloody hell!" "It works." "The people mutter against the witches." "How do you do it, Fool?" "Jokes, nuncle." "And gossip." "People are halfway ready to believe it anyway." "This is very pleasing." "If it goes on like this, Fool, you shall have a knighthood." "Marry, nuncle, if 'n I had a Knighthood " "Night Hood - why, it would keep my ears warm in Bedde;" "i'Faith, if many a Knight is a Fool, why then..." "Yes, yes, all right." "It seems that words are extremely powerful." "Indeed, Words can change the world." "You are powerless and have nothing more." "Strong men change the world." "Strong men and their deeds." "Your ladyship is wrong." "You had better be able to substantiate that comment." "Lady, the Duke wishes to chop down the forests, is this not so?" "The trees talk about me." "I hear them!" "But this policy has met with fanatical opposition." "What?" " People don't like it." "What does that matter?" "We rule!" "They will do what we say or they will be pitilessly executed!" "No need!" "You don't have to do that!" "What you do is you... you embark upon a far-reaching and ambitious plan to expand the agricultural industry, provide long-term employment in the sawmills, open new land for development, and reduce the scope for banditry." "How will I do all that?" "Chop down the forests." "But you said..." "Shut up, Felmet." "Exactly how does one go about knocking over the houses of people one does not like?" "Urban clearance." "I was thinking of burning them down." "Hygienic urban clearance." "But I also want to raise taxes." "Why, nuncle " "And I am not your nuncle." "N'aunt?" " No." "Why..." "His lady...." "Taxes... schmaxes... prithee... you need to finance your ambitious programme for the country." "Intriguing, but can your words change the past?" "More easily, I think." "Because the past is what people remember, and memories are words." "Who knows how a king behaved a thousand years ago?" "There is only recollection, stories and plays." "Words." "Ah yes." "I saw a play once." "Bunch of funny fellows in tights." "A lot of shouting." "The people liked it." "But you say history is what people are told?" "What about him?" "Champot the Good." "Was he?" "Who knows, now?" "What was he good at?" "But he will be Champot the Good until the end of the world." "I want to be a good ruler." "I want people to like me." "Let us assume that there were other matters subject to controversy." "Matters of historical record that had been clouded." "I didn't do it, you know." "He slipped and fell." "That was it." "He attacked me." "It was self-defence." "That's it." "He slipped and fell on his own dagger in self-defence." "I have no recollection of it at this time." "Be quiet, husband." "I know you didn't do it." "I wasn't there with you, you may recall." "It was I who didn't hand you the dagger." "And now, Fool." "I was saying, I believe, that perhaps there are matters that should be properly recorded." "Marry, that you were not there at the time?" "Not where?" "Anywhere." "So long as you remember it." "Listen..." "Can you write a play?" "A play that will go around the world, a play that will be remembered long after rumour has died?" "No, lady." "It is a special talent." "But can you find someone who has it?" "There are such people, my lady, in Ankh-Morpork mayhap." "Find one." "Find the best." "The truth will out." "Find one!" "By the infinite might of the all powerful Great A'Tuin, the star turtle who supports our Discworld, and by the four great elephants who stand upon his back and hold the world on their mighty shoulders, I conjure" "the gods of Fate, Destiny and Time." "The Kingdom of Lancre shall remain frozen while the whole of Discworld moves on twenty full and final." "Then shall nemesis come to Felmet self-styled king of Lancre." "Right, we're off!" "Does yours still need to be bump-started?" "I'm afraid so." "Hey!" "Girls!" "Wow!" "Bloody speed!" "Granny!" "Nanny!" "Hey, it's you!" "Or is it friday already?" "Marry, no." "I just went for a walk." "But I'm so glad to see you even it isn't friday today." "Well, not sure of that." "But I do like to see you!" "It's not sure what exactly is today." "There's a lot of magic going on tonight" "Yeah, I have that impression as well." "In that case I should accompany you and keep you from harm." "Yahoo!" "Don't fly so high!" "Bloody cold here." "Ice!" "Ice!" "Broom is iced!" "It was a bloody stupid idea." "Let go my skirt, Gytha Ogg!" "Grab me, your back is on fire!" "Woods!" "What the hell are you doing?" "I'll fly trough the river canyon, don't worry." "Jump to me, it's over, you can't do that." "I can't pull you." " And I can't climb there." "Don't be childish and let me go." " Okay." "Didn't thou... you want to be anything else?" "What else is there?" "I haven't seen anything else I could be." "How did you get to be a witch?" "When the other witches treat you as one, I suppose." "If they ever do." "I thought they would after that spell in the corridor." "Marry, it was a rite of passage." "You were really good." "If I kiss you, do I turn into a frog?" "We have to discover it first." "Don't do that, Gytha Ogg." "Ever." "Promise, but it's miles to Lancre bridge yet." "Witch doesn't know failure." "A bit of night still remains." "Don't think so." "Isn't that sunrise?" "I wonder how many cockerels there are in Lancre." "Thirty-two." " You counted?" "No, my Jason did." "Boys know such things." "Did you hear that?" "Over Razorback way?" "Sort of an "urk" noise?" "It was nothing, Esme." "My sons are good!" "And theirs as well!" "Hear that?" "It's like someone's choking." "Smokers' morning troubles." "Lancre bridge up ahead!" "And that?" " Fowl pest." "Careful, I'm bringing us down." "Are you laughing at me?" "You made it!" "Better than Black Aliss, everyone'll say." "Your shoulders are shaking." "I lost my hat." "Come to my place, it's warm..." "We have to look for the boy." "Afternoon." "Folks cook capon." "Did you feel the whole world move?" "They've done it." "We kissed for twenty years!" "What?" "Oh." "Nothing." "Nothing much, really." "Shall we try that again?" "It would be something to remember on my long journey to Ankh-Morpork." "What?" "There?" "You'll be away for ages!" "I can't help it." "The Duke's given me special instructions." "To get a playwright..." "Listen, why you work for him?" "Torturing people and setting fire to their cottages." "But I'm his Fool." "Right until he dies." "You don't even like being a Fool..." "I hate it." "But if I've got to be one, I may as well do it properly." "But you don't believe that." " True." "You don't want to go." " True." "I gave my word." "You're pathetic!" "Just when we were getting to know each other!" "(She just hits it here...)" "Don't you understand I'm asking you not to listen to him?" "I said I'm sorry." "I couldn't see you again before I go, could I?" "I shall be washing my hair." "When?" " Whenever!" "Ank-Morpork, SHADES" "What's this?" "It's a clown!" "They're mugging a clown!" "Theft Licence" "Here, only don't expect us to do you too, cos we're on our way home." "That's right." "We've done our whoosit, quota." "But you were kicking him!" "Werl, not a lot." "Not what you'd call actual kicking." "More what you'd call foot-nudging, sort of thing." "J. H. 'Flannelfoot' Boggis and Nephews" "Bespoke Thieves" "All type Theft carryed out Professionly and with Disgression." "Houses cleared. 24-hr service" "Well, it all seems to be in order." "We'll give him a chitty, of course." "So he won't get done again today." "How much did you get?" "Oh, fucking... hell." "Now we're for it." "Well, how was I to know?" "I mean, look at him;" "how much would you expect him to be carrying?" "Couple of coppers, right?" " How much has he got then?" "There must be a hundred silver dollars in here." "I mean, that's not in our league." "You've got to be in the Guild of Solicitors or something to steal that much." "Give it back, then." " But we've given him a receipt." "They've all got numbers on." "The Guild of Thieves check up on them." "How would it be, then, if you were to rob him of, say, five copper pieces, instead." " Here, what's going on?" "That represents two copper pieces as the going rate, plus expenses of three copper pieces for time, call-out fees..." "Very fair, very fair." "Come on then, lads." "That was amazing." "How can I thank you, sirs?" "You're a Fool, aren't you?" "Well, I'm really grateful." "Is there a tavern around here, I'd like to buy you boys a drink." "Well, that would be..." "We'd love to, but we need to get back to the theatre." "You two are in the theatre?" "That's right." "This here is Tomjon, son of the great Vitoller." "I am Hwel, the playwright." "Then I've come five hundred miles to find you." "Can you do it?" "It sounded interesting, the way he told it." "Wicked king ruling with the help of evil witches." "Storms." "Ghastly forests." "True Heir to the Throne in life and death struggle." "Flash of dagger." "Screams, alarums." "Evil king dies." "Good triumphs." "Bells ring out." "Showers of rose petals could be arranged." "I know a man who can get them practically at cost." "You'll do it then, will you?" "It's got a certain something." "But..." "I'm not trying to pressure you, you know." "It seems a bit fishy." "I mean the Fool is decent enough." "But the way he tells it... it's very odd." "His mouth says the words, and his eyes say something else." "And I got the impression he'd much rather we believed his eyes." "Noticed it?" "They look similar." "Tomjon to clown?" "Yes." "You were saying?" "The pay's the thing." " What?" "Er, play... the play's the thing." "But we can already afford to build the Dysk Theatre." "Just the shell and the stage." "Not the trapdoor mechanism, or the machine for lowering gods out of heaven." "Or the big turntable, or the wind fans." "We used to manage without all that stuff." "All we had was a few planks and a bit of painted sacking" "But we had a lot of spirit." "Mind you, we could afford a wave machine." "A small one." " No." "I've got this idea about this ship wrecked on this island..." "But we've had some huge audiences!" "Yes, but they pay in halfpennies and craftmen want silver." "I already owe Chrystophrase the Troll more than I should." "But he's the one who has people's limbs torn off!" "How much do you owe him?" "It's all right, I'm keeping up the interest payments." "More or less." "Yes, but how much does he want?" "An arm and a leg." " What?" "I did it for you two!" "Tomjon deserves a better stage." "He doesn't want to go ruining his health sleeping in lattys and never knowing a home." "And you, my man, you need somewhere settled, with all the proper things you ought to have... like trapdoors and... wave machines and so forth." "You talked me into building the Dysk Theatre, and I thought, they're right." "It's no life on the road, giving two performances a day to a bunch of farmers and going round with the hat afterwards, what sort of future is that?" "We need our own place, with comfortable seats for the gentry people who don't throw potatoes on the stage." "I said, blow the cost." "I just wanted you to " "All right!" "I'll write it!" "I'll act it." "I'm not forcing you, mind." "It's your own choice." "Mind you, there were some nice touches." "The three witches was good." "You could do a lot with three witches." "Lots of smoke and green light." "Surprising no-one's thought of it before, really." "So we can tell this Fool that we'll do it, can we?" "And of course you couldn't go wrong with a good storm." "And there was that ghost routine we cut out of 'Please Yourself' 'cos we couldn't afford the muslin." "P'raps I could put Death in, too." "Dafe should wear platform soles." "Where should we perform it?" "The Ramtops." "Some little kingdom, we already performed there." "That's where I was born." "That's what you said." "Yes, but I can't remember where." "It's twenty years." "I could take Hwell and some of the younger lads and we could make a summer of it." "Hwel's got to write the play, yet." "Listen." "All the Discworld's a stage," "And all the men and women merely players." "Except those who sell popcorn." "Can you see him?" " A dwarf's there." "He scribbles." "Here is him." "Sleeps." "Nice boy." "Can he hear us?" "You know there is no sound." "Let's start." "Greetings, King of Lancre." "Tom!" " Jon!" "So what's his name?" "Tomjon!" "Your destiny calls." "I lost the picture." "Not again." "Not again." "What again?" "I was in huge crystall ball." "Three women looked at me." "Those eyes and huge nostrills!" "Terrible." "Sorry, I disturbed you." "Nevermind, I'm at the end." "Gentles, leave us dance and sing, and wish good health unto the king" "Exeunt all, singing falala, etc." "Shower of rose petals." "Ringing of bells." "Gods descend from heaven, demons rise from hell, much ado with turntable." "The End." "Let's ride!" "Stop!" "I think we're lost." "We were lost ten miles ago." "Where are we, then?" "The mountains." "We ought to stop and ask someone." "Whom?" "A badger?" "That old woman in the funny hat." "I've been watching her." "She keeps ducking down behind a bush when she thinks I've seen her." "Ho there, good mother!" "Whose mother?" "Just a figure of speech, Mrs..." "Miss..." "Mistress!" "And I'm a poor old woman gathering wood." "Lawks!" "You did give me a fright, young master." "My poor old heart!" "I'm sorry?" " What?" "Your poor old heart what?" "What about my poor old heart?" "It's just that you mentioned it." "Well, it isn't important." "Lawks." "I expect you're looking for Lancre." "Well, yes." "You've come too far." "Go back about two miles, and take the track on the right, past the stand of pines." "When you m-meet a m-mysterious old lady in the road, you've got to offer to sh-share your lunch, or help her across the river." "You have?" "It's t-terribly b-bad luck not to." "Would you care to share our lunch, good mo- old w- ma'am?" "What is it?" "Salt pork." "Thanks all the same." "But it gives me wind." "We could help you across the river if you like!" "What river?" "We're on the moors, there can't be a river for miles." "She could have given more explicit instructions." "Like ask at the next crone." "Look over there." "Ho there, old... good..." "Just a humble wood gatherer." "Would you care to share our lunch, old... good wo...miss?" "It's only salt pork, I'm afraid." "Meat is extremely bad for the digestive system." "If you could see inside your colon you'd be horrified." "I think I would." "Did you know that an adult male carries up to five pounds of undigested red meat in his intestines at all times?" "Whereas sunflower seeds" "There aren't any rivers around that you need helping over, are there?" "Don't be silly..." "Lawks, could I directing lost travellers on the road to Lancre?" "Ah,I thought we'd get to that." "You fork left up ahead and turn right at the big stone with the crack in it." "Fine." "And you just keep collecting." "Stop!" "Where are we?" "We won't be here long." "It's salt pork, understand?" "Now – which way's Lancre?" "Keep on, left at the ravine, then you pick up the track that leads to a bridge, you can't miss it." "You forgot about the lawks." "Bugger." "Sorry." "Lawks." "And you're a humble old wood gatherer, I expect." "Spot on, lad." "Just about to make a start." "And can you wait here while we go and find a river." "To help you across." "There's a perfectly good bridge." " Hey!" "But I wouldn't say no to a lift." "Move over." "You mentioned salt pork." "There wouldn't be any mustard, would there?" "Hi!" " Hi." "What's all this about a play?" "Aren't you glad to see me?" "Well, yes." "Of course." "Now, this play..." "My lord wants something to convince people that he is the rightful King of Lancre." "Himself mostly, I think." "Is that why you went to Ankh-Morpork?" "Yes." " It's disgusting!" "You would prefer the Duchess's approach?" "She just thinks they ought to kill everyone." "She's good at that sort of thing." "Lots of people would die anyway." "This way might be easier." "Oh, where's your spunk, man?" "Pardon?" "Don't you want to die nobly for a just cause?" "I'd much rather live quietly for one." "When's this play going to be, then?" "Marry, I'm sure I'm not allowed to tell you." "The Duke said to me, he said, don't tell the witches that it's tomorrow night." "Don't tell me, then." "At eight o'clock." "I expect you shouldn't tell me who is invited, either." "Most of the dignitaries of Lancre." "But I think you have a right to know what it is you're not being told." "Good point." "Is there still that little gate around the back, that leads to the kitchens?" "The one that often gets left unguarded?" "Well, I might be there." "Can I see you after the show?" "I think I might be washing my hair." "Excuse me, but I think I ought to be going." "Yes, but I brought you this present." "Marry, 'tis true, witches sometimes do unpleasant things to people." "All the Discworld's a stage," "And all the men and women merely players." "Hwel, there's no crown." "Of course there's a crown." "The big one with the red glass, very impressive, we used it in that place with the big square." "I think we left it there." ""What hath befell the land?"" "What hath befell the land?" "Well, just find another one, then." "In the props box." "You're the Evil King Verence, you've got to have a crown." "And where are the witches?" "Where are the blasted witches?" "I've lost my wart!" "The cauldron's all full of yuk!" "There's something living in this wig!" "Calm down, calm down!" "It'll be all right on the night!" "This is the night, Hwel!" ""Avenge the terror of thy father's death."" "Avenge the terror of thy father's death." "Right, Now what are you?" "You're evil hags, right?" "Yes, Hwel." "Tell me what you are." "We're evil hags, Hwel." "Louder!" " We're evil hags!" "And what are you going to do?" "We're going to curse people...?" "I can't hear you!" "We're going to curse people!" "What are you?" " We're hags, Hwel!" "What sort of hags?" " We're black and midnight hags!" "Are you scheming?" " Yeah!" "Are you secret?" " Yeah!" "What are you?" "We're scheming evil secret black and midnight hags!" "Right!" "Now I want you to get out there and give 'em hell." "Cauldron!" " Hwell, how it goes?" "From the bog- what?" "Finger of the baby from the bog!" "Get to the stage and curse them!" "Gytha." "That's meant to be us" "I never shipwrecked anybody!" "Neither we throw babies into cauldron." "Green blusher!" "I don't look like that, do I?" "Absolutely not." "No troubles, please." "Ladies, I'll bring you something to drink." "That's my son?" "With a hunch?" "He wears my crown!" "Tomjon." "I think he's meant to be you." "But I never walked like that!" "Why is he saying that I did?" "I admit I set fire to few cottages." "Everyone does that." "It's good for the building industry, anyway." "Why is he saying all this about me?" "It's art." "It holds a wossname, mirror, up to life." "That's why everything is opposite." "But the audience are taken in: it's more real than reality." "We've lost." "Words." "As soft as water, and as powerful as water, too." "That's all that's left." "Come, Gytha, we're going backstage." "My own flesh and blood." "Why has he done this to me?" "Guards, go, find the witches and arrest them." "Remember what happened last time, foolish man." "We left two of them loose." "This time... all three." "The tide of public feeling is on our side." "You must admit, my precious, that the play seems to be having the desired effect." "It would appear so." "Don't just stand there." "Before the play ends, those witches are to be under lock and key." "I'm here." "Merry, n'uncle." "Well done." "I'm thirsty!" "Hwell!" "Dafe is drunk and refuses to play Death!" "I'm dreaming." "What now?" "You have to play the part." "Me?" "Look at me." "Even high heels can't help me." "It's supposed to be tragic." "You are the only one who know the role." "Where are the rags?" "Embarassing!" "It will be a new version." "Cower now, Brief Mortals." "For I am Death, 'gainst whom no... no... 'gainst whom no?" "'GAINST WHOM NO LOCK WILL HOLD NOR FASTEN'D PORTAL BAR." "Too tiny." "Dafe!" "You gave us a fright." "Are you allright?" "Character preparation." "And where did you get the scythe?" "Nice." "Compared to a visit from you, even Death himself would hold no fears." "Better see the lines." "The play doesn't work." "It's not usual that actors forget their lines so much." "DARLING, I'LL BE A MOVIE STAR, YOU WON'T BELIEVE IT" "WHEN THE JAZZBAND PLAYS." "But we're not witches!" " You look so." "Girls, I lost the water." ""Divers alarums and excursions"." "Perhaps to the seaside." "That means lots of terrible happenings." "If this gets about, witches will always be old hags in green blusher." "We can't let this happen." "Why don't we just change the words?" "I suppose you're an expert at theatre words?" "They'd have to be the proper sort, or people'd suspect." "I don't know about new words." "But we can make them forget these words." "I suppose it's worth a try." "At last!" "We've been looking for you everywhere!" "Us?" "But we're not..." "Oh yes, you are!" "We put it in last week, remember?" "Third act." "You don't need to say anything, you just sit there and symbolise occult forces at work." "Come on, you've done well so far." "Wilph!" "Not bad!" "Good complexion you've got there." "You look as nasty a bunch of hags as a body might hope to clap eyes on." "Well done." "Break a leg." "Oh well." "Let's do it live." "He looked so decent." "Break your own leg!" "I'm not vengeful." "Come on, girls." "Thunder!" "Get on with it!" "I went and bent the thunder, Hwel!" "It just goes clonk-clonk!" "I wanted a storm!" "Just a storm." "Not even a big storm." "Any storm." "I have had ENOUGH!" "I want thunder right NOW!" "And now our domination is complete..." "The very soil cries out at tyranny" "The fire is just red paper." "Never mind." "Just look busy and wait till I say." "The very soil cries out at tyranny." "And calls me forth for vengeance. - and asks ME..." "How do they make it flicker?" "I wouldn't be seen dead with a cauldron like this." "Be quiet, you two." "You're upsetting people." "Go ahead, young man." "Don't mind us." "Wha...?" "Aha, it calls you forth for vengeance, does it?" "There they are." "That's them." "What are they doing in my play?" "And the heavens cry revenge, too, I expect." "Aha, thou callst me an evil king, though thou whisperest it so none save I may hear it." "And thou hast summoned the guard, possibly by some secret signal, owing naught to artifice of lips or tongue." "Hwel says what the hell is going on?" "What was that?" "Did I hear you say, 'I come, my lady'?" "Get these people off, he says." "Thou babblest, man." "See how I dodge thy tortoise spear." "I said, see how I dodge thy tortoise spear." "Thy spear, man." "You're holding it in thy bloody hand, for goodness' sake." "Ghost of the mind and all device away," "I bid the Truth to have... its tumpty-tumpty day." "Do you fear him now?" "And he so mazed with drink?" "Take his dagger, husband... you are a blade's width from the kingdom." "I dare not." "Who will know?" "See, there is only the eyeless night." "Take the dagger now, take the kingdom tomorrow." "Have a stab at it, man." "I have it, wife." "Is this a dagger I see before me?" "Of course it's a bloody dagger." "Come on, do it now." "The weak deserve no mercy." "We'll say he fell downstairs." "I cannot!" "He has been kindness itself to me." "And you can be Death itself to him..." "COWER NOW, BRIEF MORTALS, FOR I AM DEATH," "'GAINST WHOM NO ..." "NO...' GAINSTWHOM" ""..." "lockwillhold..."" "LOCK WILL HOLD NOR tumpty tumpty bar." "No, I cannot do it!" "I will be seen!" "Down there in the hall, someone watches!" "There is no-one!" "Must I put it in for you?" "See, his foot is on the stair." "No!" "I did not do it!" "It was not like that!" "You were not there!" "Nor was I!" "I was asleep at the time, you know." "There was blood on the counterpane, blood on the floor." "I couldn't wash it off." "These are not proper matters for this inquiry." "I cannot allow the discussion of national security." "It was just a dream..." "When I awoke, he'd be alive tomorrow." "What a noise he made in falling." "Enough to wake the dead... who would have thought he had so much blood in him?" "I hope that sorts it all out." "Ha." "Ha." "These are just slanders." "And treason to boot." "The rantings of mad players." "Therefore there is no proof." "And where there is no proof there is no crime." "No." "I saw it all." "I was in the Great Hall that night." "You killed the King, my lord." "I did not!" "You were not there!" "I did not see you there!" "You swore loyalty unto death." "Yes, my lord." "I'm sorry." "Sorry?" "You're dead!" "Thank gods that's over." "Verence!" "I didn't do it." "You all saw that I didn't do it." "You lie." "Telling lies is naughty." "See?" "No blood." "I didn't do it." "That was her!" "You can't get me now." "Will there be a comet?" "There must be a comet when a king dies." "Are you dead or not?" "I must be." "I'm in paradise." "Of course." "It's a trick dagger." "Actors can't be trusted with real ones." "Clearly my husband has lost his wits." "I decree " "Be silent, woman!" "The true King of Lancre stands before you!" "Who, me?" "We're not having that." "No mysterious returned heirs in this kingdom." "You don't frighten me, wyrd sisters." "Do your worst." "My worst?" "What did you do to her?" "I let her look within." "Headology." "I'll show you one day, if you like." "Now you." "Well, old woman, I've seen exactly what I am." "So what." "You gawping idiots!" "You really think that people are basically decent underneath, don't you?" "There's not one of you that doesn't fear me!" "I can make you widdle your drawers out of terror" "She does go on, don't she?" "Take her away and lock her up." "Where's the Duke?" "He fell over the battlements." "Finally!" "And now, my lad." "You are the King of Lancre." "Listen to me, all of you." "I thank you for your offer." "But I don't want to be a king!" "I've worn more crowns than you can count, and the only kingdom" "I know how to rule has got curtains in front of it." "I'm sorry." "The problem is that you don't actually have a choice." "You are the king, you see." "It's a job you are lined up for when you're born." "The only chance you've got is if there was another heir." "You don't remember any brothers or sisters, do you?" "Verence!" "Where is the wandering stone again, hm?" "It was a good banquet, I thought." "I got a coronation mug, too." "It says, 'Viva Verence II Rex'." "Fancy him being called Rex." "Imagine him having a handle sticking out of his ear." "What happened to the Duchess?" "She escaped from the castle." "Didn't get far." "The animals got her in the forest." "That's Destiny for you." "Still, we've got a king." "Finally." "It's thanks to you and Nanny really." "It's because you spoke up." "Everyone knows witches don't lie." "I mean, everyone could see they looked alike, but that could have been coincidence." "You did tell the truth, didn't you?" "They really are brothers, aren't they?" "Oh yes." "Definitely." "I saw to his mother when your... when the new king was born." "And to the queen when young Tomjon was born, and she told me who the father was." "Gytha!" " So what?" "Just a minute." "I remember the Fool's father." "Very athletic, wasn't he?" "Could climb walls like nobody's business." "Very popular with the queen." "The king Verence used to go out hunting such a lot." "Just a minute." "You told everyone that Verence -the Fool- was Tomjon's older brother." "That's right." "And you let everyone believe that their father was King Verence." "We don't have to tell things when nobody asks." "No, no, what you're saying is that the King of Lancre isn't of royal pedigree?" "Anyway, look at it this way." "Royalty has to start somewhere." "It might as well start with him." "How are you and he getting on, now, by the way?" "All right." "But what about tradition and Destiny?" "The important thing is we have king with good head and heart." "And the old king's ghost rest in peace." "Bugger Destiny." "After all it doesn't matter how it was supposed to be or what should've happend..." "The important thing is that it is how it is now." "And who knows how it is now?" "So..." "When shall we three meet again?" "Subtitles by Fingon|" "Based on English sources by Terry Pratchett and Stephen Briggs|" "6/2011" "For Sonja 3"