"Right, any other business?" "Yes." "I was just wondering - did everyone enjoy the village play?" "Don't make me laugh," "I've seen amputations with more all-round entertainment value." "Hamlet's supposed to be a dashing student." "I'm not as sprightly as I used to be." "Sprightly?" "You spent the second half in a wheelchair." "I pulled a thigh muscle." "I think you manoeuvred yourself beautifully, Frank." "Momentary blip when you reversed into the grave, but then it only took 15 minutes to climb out." "Best bit of the evening." "Hilarious stuff!" "I'm only sorry more people didn't come to see it." "Yes, the night I went I was the only one there." "Must have disappointed the cast." "No, they weren't there either." "I went on the wrong night." "Did you enjoy it, sir?" "As much as having my nipples pierced." "Did you like my big speech "To be or not to be"?" "Very good," "I was rooting for you NOT to be as soon as possible." "Well I think frank deserves our congratulations." "..So, well done, Frank!" "Bravo!" "Bravo!" "Encore!" "Encore..." "So, Is that everything?" "I'm still looking for items for the parish newsletter, or rather the parish there's-sod-all-news letter." "At the moment, The only thing we got is a piece from David about his missing watch, witch actually is quite a mistery, eh, eh, is that it?" "Oh, yes thank's...." "well... right...right.." "Now I'm really desperate, it's only three days left until I have to go to print and my only headline is "HEN LAYS QUITE LARGE EGG"." "So Please, could everyone contribute with just one piece?" "I could do a review of Frank's play if you like." "that would be lovely, yeah." "As long as I can use the word "dickhead" in the headline." "Mayby.." "You're NOT the man for the job." "New members urgently sort for the Dibley bondage club" "If interested, please ring Frank Pickle." "At last.. a juicy item..." "Oh, but it say bridge club.." "What a pitty" "Hiya." "Hello, Alice." "Come in and shut up." "I'm having a serious crisis with the newsletter." "Will you be telling us when Jesus is coming?" "Sorry?" "In last month's newsletter you wrote about how Jesus is coming, but you didn't mention any dates, so Mum wants to know when to get the house tidy." "That wont be like that Alice, He'll just sort of turn up." "That's a bit rude." "I might be on the toilet when he's comming." "It won't feel rude." "It'll feel just lovely." "That's all right, then." "Got anything for Gossip's Corner?" "Oh yes, I do, actually." "Do you?" "!" "Oh, yes?" "Go on, then." "I heard the other day - and don't tell anyone..." "Of course not." "That Mr Garrett, yea.. yes.." "was seen in the street kissing someone that wasn't his wife." "Oh!" "Who was it?" "His mother." "So sod-all gossip, if we're honest?" "That's right." "Yeah." "The recepy page have always been my favorite" "I meen, shorly you got to have something there" "Funny you should say that actioally, this is our most exciting item so far, an anonomus person has denoted there recepy for chocholate pudding, its a little bit crappy.." "I know, but what did you say, she did'n giv up her name.." "No, no.." "So.. it could be someone in this room.." "Well, no..." "Not unless it's you wo.." "It's you is'nt it!" "Oh.." "I should have guess when it said," "With chocholate pudding you can never have enough habit" "Oh dear.." "Well, I'll let you get on." "No, I doubt that very much." "Actually..." "There we go." "There is one tiny thing." "Is there?" "Do you think that I'm unattractive, and will never be kissed by any man and die without ever knowing the joy of true love?" "Oh, no!" "Don't tell me that Hugo hasn't even kissed you yet?" "!" "I just don't think that he loves me." "Oh, that's nonsense!" "You have to give these things time." "Mm." "How long have you known him?" "Er...26 years." "Right." "Well, the fact is he DOES love you, so maybe you've just got to tell him exactly how you feel." "Oh, I, I feel like... like I want to marry him and have 15 children in a fortnight." "Oh." "Well.., maybe not EXACTLY how you feel." "It's just so hard." "How did YOU tell your boyfriends that you loved them?" "Well, I usually stuck their hands down my blouse." "I don't think that's going to work for you and Hugo." "No, you need a Cupid that's not stupid, and that Cupid is ME." "Right.." "Plan of action." "You - virgin - go home, and come back after lunch looking really nice, Okay." "Why..?" "No questions, just one hint - -no garlic for lunch and remove the biscuit from the corner of your mouth." "Now shoo!" "This is great." "Yeah." "I haven't been so excited since the card saying I'd won a beauty contest." "Do you remember?" "We were playing Monopoly at the time, were we not." "That's right.." "I was SO proud." "Yeah..." "Off you go then, sad little lunatic." "Hugo, it's Geraldine." "I invite you over about two this afternoon, and for God's sake try to look sexually attractive, would you?" "Bye, bye." "Sorted!" "Hugo, come on in." "Lovely to see you." "Oh, lovely trousers." "Oh, bon pantalon!" "Yeah." "You said sexy." "I brought something for the newsletter." "Oh, Great." "It's an advert." ""Sock for sale." "Bottle green." "Would suit person with similar sock."" "That's very exciting!" "?" "Go in and sit down." "So, Hugo." "You're probably wondering why I asked you to come here today." "I think I've worked it out." "Oh, really?" "Yeah, yeah" "You know the film League Of Gentlemen, were they gather the seven master criminals of the world, each of them skilled in there perticular trade, master of disguise, lock-breaker, explosives expert, etc, all gathered to pull off the greatest robbery of all time." "Er.." "I vaguely remember it." "I assume it's that." "Am I right?" "Er..." "No." "Well..." "Right..., moving on." "I'm going to come to the point straightaway." "Hugo, do you love Alice?" "Oh..." "Er..." "The answer is yes Hugo." "That's right." "I absolutly adore her." "And you're going to lose that girl if you don't kiss her soon." "Oh?" "And that would be a tragedy." "Yes." "Because I love her, like Romeo loved Juliet." "Good..." "Like Richard loves Judy." "That's less good." "Can you promise me that the next time you see Alice, you'll give her a great big kiss." "OK.." "I promise." "Good." "Oh., mm., I wonder who that could be!" "?" "Well, look who we have here!" "Hello, Hugo." "Hello, Alice." "I'll just go and make some tea then, shall I." "Hugo, I believe there's something you have to do." "Oh.., this is easy." "I should take this up for a living." "Just create the right social situation and love will flower, like a flower flowering in the right social situation." "Two lovely young people, ther tender lips meeting for the first time in a whirlwind of passion that is, in fact, true love." "Oh, for heaven's sake, just kiss, you morons!" "I'm so sorry." "Did I say that out loud?" "Uhm..." "What I actually meant to say was.., please don't worry, it's perfectly simple and you're going to enjoy it." "All you have to do is to close your eyes and move forward." "Then open your eyes again." "Look where you're going." "..That's right." "And go forward." "Docking procedure almost complete." "And then..." "Can't we just shake hands?" "Yeah, I like shaking hands, it's an excellent way of communicating, without getting wet." "Just DO it!" "Right." "Right." "Good luck, Alice." "Good luck, Hugo." "Yes!" "Houston, we have kiss-off." "Oh, lovely!" "Oh, well done, you two." "That's excellent." "Actually, you can stop now, Hugo, if you want..." "Hey, why should you?" "!" "Nothing like a nice long kiss, is there?" "Other than an even longer kiss, obviously." "Alice, you can stop... no, look, okey, here's what's going to happen." "Carry on kissing." "I'll get on with my work." "Right." "Don't mind me at all." "I'll just sit here..." "No." "Look, I'm going to pop out." "I'll be back in a while." "Oh.." "Owen, you wouldn't give me a hand with this shopping...?" "Mm.." "What's in it for me?" "Em.." "Eternal salvation?" "Anything more, you know...unnebulous?" "Chocolate Hob Nob?" "Let's do it!" "Thanks, Owen." "Just bung those in the kitchen for me..." "Righto..!" "Yeah., thanks..?" "!" "Now., why did you want to see me?" "I want to put an ad in the newsletter." "Hurray!" "I've a 400-piece jigsaw for sale." "Good!" "We really need stuff." "It was 550 pieces, but the dogs got to it." "How much are you thinking of charging?" "I thought about 100 quid." "They're £4.99 new, but mine's unique so it's a collector's item." "Yes, and the next collection's on Thursday morning in a big truck!" "I'll just type this out, then." "What's this, then?" "Oh, that's Hugo and Alice." "They've been at it for four-and-a-half hours." "It was quite a talking point in my confirmation class, I can tell you." "So, what have we got?" "One jigsaw for sale, partially eaten." "What's the puzzle of?" "It's a woman with no clothes on, but it's very tasteful." "What, a painting?" "Rubens?" "Renoir?" "No, it's a Page 3 girl, but the Labrador's eaten her knockers." "Oh, they're back!" "Welcome home!" "How was it, then?" "Fantastic." "In English, Hugo?" "Right, they're speaking in tongues." "OK..." "Cup of tea?" "Oh, no, thank you, Vicar." "I used to love having tea with you, but now I realize that in comparison to some things, it's a total yawn-making bore of bores." "Come on, big boy." "So..." "Oh, well, the joy of those first kisses, eh, Owen?" "I've never had a proper kiss." "Oh.." "Haven't you?" "Except for Daisy and she was a cow, so that doesn't count, does it?" "You kissed your cow?" "!" "No, the gamekeeper's daughter - a right cow she was." "I gave her my pocket money to let me feel inside her bra." "Then she didn't let you?" "No she did, problem was, she wasn't wearing it at the time." "Oh, dear." "Some folk's lives are full of love and softness." "Other folks never know the tenderness of human contact." "The sun is out, the sky is blue, there's not a cloud to spoil the view, but it's raining, it's raining in my heart." "Oh, go on, then.., you great big loser..." "Give us a quick kiss." "Really?" "!" "Yes., but no burping, though.." "OK?" "OK!" "Here goes..." "Right." "Oh...oh..." "Sizzle my sausage!" "..Can I have another?" "NO, NO!" "Oh, God.., what's this?" "!" "Oh, great." "I got that bit of pork stuck in my teeth last week." "I thought I'd never get it out." "Thanks for that." "I'll see myself out." "Oh, no!" "He's got one of my fillings." "I reckon he'll come on a Saturday cos there's less traffic then." "Look, Alice, I don't know exactly when Jesus will come." "Probably get a bus from High Wycombe." "Morning, Hugo." "Alice?" "Tell me, Vicar.., is Alice all right?" "Oh, she's fine." "Please feel free to step over them." ""A report from bermingham university suggests that there over 50% of single people in Britain is now talk to themselves as a way of cobating loneliness"" "Rediculous, how can they know that.." ""And there were 30% talking to there television"" "Of course they don't!" "Ah, Hugo!" "Excuse me father" "What have you been up to?" "Oh.. eh.. nothing, you whouldn't be interessted" "No, you probably right, you havn't done anything interessting uptil now" "Actually.., I..." "I have been up to something" "There is something I have to tell you father..." "Mm.." "I'm in love with the most beautiful and wonderful woman in the world." "Jill Dando?" "No, father, even more beutiful than the wonderful Jill Dando." "Well done, you!" "Anything to get you away from that ridiculous Alice." "She was ghastly, wasn't she?" "Less a human than a genetically modified stick insect with it's brain removed." "So, what's this new bird called?" "I dunno." "Don't even know her name?" "Well!" "You rogue!" "Good on you, son!" "Actually.., I.., actually, I-I-I DO know her name, Father." "Well, splendid, Spit it out, then." "Her name is..." "Well, the thing is, her name is Alice." "You're joking!" "No, my girlfriend's name is Alice." "What an incredible coincidence!" "Pestered for a decade by the Cabbage Patch doll named Alice Brain Bypass, and when you finally do find yourself a girlfriend, she's also called Alice." "What's her surname?" "Actually father.., can we start the conversation again?" "Just ask me a simple question and I'll give you a simple answer." "Just.., ask me who my girlfriend is." "Very well." "Who is your girlfriend?" "Ah, well..." "My daughter in law." "The mother of my grandchildren, the mistress of this great house, the co-inheritor, of all the money I earned in my long and unhappy life, the one that will cherish me in my old age and tend to me in my veiling years." "The femail vessel, into wich all my hopes and dreams are to be poured" "Right..." "So what did he say?" "I can't tell you what he actually said because you're the vicar." "But, let's say a certain word is represented by another word that sounds like that word." "Like...duck, for instance." "He asked, what the DUCK I was playing at." "He couldn't give a flying DUCK if I DUCKING loved Alice DUCKING Tinker." "If I DUCKING kissed her again, He'd make sure I was well-DUCKED." "Ah..." "DUCK me." "I love Alice with all my heart, ...but I also love my dad." "Of course!" "If that's Alice, I'd better not see her." "I have a big decision to make." "Her radient beauty and subtle charms may cloud my mind as I grope towards an answer that is right and true." "Rrrrrrrar!" "DOLLOCKS." "Come here, Mr Moist!" "Well, er, I'd better be going." "Bye, everyone." "Oh, my God." "I knew this was going to happen." "He doesn't love me any more." "He sucked out all my juice... and discarded me like an empty carton of Ribena." "No, poppet, it's not like that at all." "The truth is that he's..." "he's sprained his tongue." "The doctor says to give it complete rest." "Oh, that's all right, then." "Yeah, so you keep away from him, Miss Lusty Lips." "I'll try." "Let's have some tea." "Yes, and I can get on with this newsletter." "Things aren't getting any better." "At the moment the headline is:" ""Dibley Voted Village Of The Year..."" "That's exciting!" "No, let me finish." "".." "In Dream I Had Last Thursday."" "Owen..." "How are you?" "I think this is your filling." "Er...thank you." "I'd have brought it sooner, but I've only just passed it." "I, er..." "I won't be putting it back in right now, then." "Is that all?" "Eh, No..." "It's that kiss." "Ever since that kiss, I've been feeling all churned up." "Yeah, my tummy's been dodgy too." "Then I decided, I need a woman, but I don't want to pay for it." "I reckon the only way to get a woman is to marry one." "So I was wondering...how about it?" "Sorry, Owen." "For an insane moment I thought you were proposing to me." "I am!" "Right, yes." "I see." "I'm not much of a catch, but you're not getting any younger." "Thank you." "I'm not rich, but I've got a bit of money, not to mention what I might get for that jigsaw." "I've been told that old stamps with something wrong with them are rare, so I thought I might sell this one." "Do you see that flaw?" "Yes, you've drawn a moustache on the Queen's face." "I'm not stupid." "And I wouldn't expect you to do a lot around the farm, except when the cows get the squits." "In wich case then they produce it quicker than I can clear it." "and it's all hands to the mops." "Lovely image." "And I'm pretty confident I could satisfy you in the bedroom." "Quite frankly, I'm so desperate for it, I could go on for months on end." "Yep, this is romantic stuff." "I don't expect an answer now." "I know you women like to think about things when it comes to romance." "You're different from us men, you've got smaller brains." "O' now I feel very special." "So I come back later, and you can say yes then and make me the happiest man in the world..." "Well... apart from Kriss Akabusi, he's always happy." "You've only got to say hello and he's laughing." "But I'll be pretty damned happy." "So...e., I'll see you later, then..." "Mrs Newitt... my little love bucket." "What did Mr Newitt want?" "H-He's asked me to be his wife." "That is BRILLIANT!" "I am so happy for you!" "And you're the vicar!" "You can do your own wedding service!" "Do you take this man to be your lawful, wedded husband?" "I do..." "SHUT UP!" "I don't want to marry Mr Newitt!" "Why?" "What's wrong with him?" "How long have you got?" "!" "His breath smells like nerve gas." "That gel he puts on his hair - that is actually lard." "If I was looking for charm and a good conversation" "I'd sooner marry a courgette." "Other than that, I'm shure he's gorgeous!" "?" "It's just..." "I don't love him." "Oh, poor you!" "You're going to marry someone you don't love." "That's terrible, Geraldine!" "Don't do it!" "Please!" "No, no, no." "I'm NOT going to do it." "That's the point." "Next time I see him, I'm going to be honest and say I can't marry him." "It's him!" "Right, answer the door, Alice." "It's a question of being mature and grown-up and adult and mature." "Oh, hello!" "Come in." "The vicar's in the living room." "So, Frank, Jim, how can I help you?" "We want to put a notice in the parish newsletter." "Oh, thank goodness!" "See if you can spot my little joke." "Right, "Want to have a go at bell-ringing?" "Then come along to St.Barnabas, and let us show you the ropes."" "He..he.., "Show you the ropes!"" "Get it?" "It's very funny because it's show you the ropes as in the actual ropes that ring the bells..." "I know." "..And it is also..." "show you the ropes-, as in -teach you the ropes of bell-ringing." "Yes." "Show you the ropes!" "Yes, I do understand." "I, I don't get it." "Well, you see, it's show..." "NO!" "NO!" "NO!" "Actually, there IS something you two could help me with." "Please sit down." "Now, you're going to think this is crazy and totaly ghastly, but Owen" ""I've had my hands up more cows' bottles than James Herriot"" "Newitt, has asked moi - sophisticated, glamorous vicar of this parish - to be his wife." "Well done, Vicar!" "Off the shelf at last!" "No, no, no, you don't understand, I'm going to turn him down." "Did you hear that?" "And you chaps know him better than me." "I don't want to hurt his feelings." "I need some reassurance that he won't be too upset?" "Yes or no?" "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no... no, no, no, no..o." "Good." "You see.. he's known so much sorrow and tragedy, a bit more won't hurt him." "s... sorrow and tragedy?" "You know his brother drowned himself." "Oh, no, I didn't know that." "Yes.., it was all over some nonsense with a girl." "She wouldn't marry him..., He chucked himself in the river." "But Owen's quite different." "Owen takes after his father and he was a much more cheerful chap." "Till he shot himself." "He had good reason to shoot himself." "His wife had just left him." "Yes.., and he'd already lost both his parents." "When his mother tried to leave, his father shot her." "Right, well..., thanks very much, guys." "Not at all, Vicar." "Come along, Jim." "I think I'll just top myself now." "Save Owen the bother." ""Show you the ropes!" He..he..." "Oh, Alice... what am I going to do?" "Well, I have got one thought." "When my mum's got like a really difficult problem to deal with, like, em... like choosing her Lottery numbers, she always has a little drink, you know, just to calm her nerves." "Er..., no, I don't think so." "I think can deal with this problem without having to drink myself into a stupid Tinker stupor." "Actually, being a priest equips you to deal with this human dilemma." "Ah.." "Good." "I'd better go." "It's roll-over week." "Mum's probably unconscious by now." "Anyway, bye!" "Bye!" "Oh, yes!" "NOW I'm thinking clearly." "Owen, I would love to marry you, ..but I'm already married... to Gordon Brown..., the Chancellor of the Exchequer." "No.., he'll never buy that." "Owen, I would love to marry you, but..." "I'm not the woman for you." "In fact.., I'm not a woman at all." "I'm one of the Lobster people from the planet Neptune." "Owen..." "I've come for your answer." "Owen, I would love to marry you..." "Oh, thank you!" "I'll go and get the condom!" "NO!" "NO!" "Come back!" "I haven't finished, Owen!" "I hadn't got to the "but" bit." "Owen, I would love to marry you, BUT..." "I can't." "Oh..." "Why?" "Because..." "I don't love you." "You're a good man, Owen, and I'm sure there's a suitable woman out there for you somewhere, a nice insatiable woman with no sense of smell." "But that woman isn't me." "Promise me you're not too upset." "I don't know exactly how upset I am." "But not enough to commit suicide or anything like that?" "Well, I haven't decided." "Before I do, answer me one question." "Oh, anything." "Right..." "Have you been drinking?" "have had one little dropsicle, yea." "Becouse if there's one thing I can't stand, it's a woman who drinks." "So the answer to your question is, NO I'm not in the slightest bit upset at all" "In fact, I'm grateful to you for saving me from marriage to an disgusting old lush, who smells of gin from dusk till dawn." "Madam, I bid you farewell, you revolting old soak." "That is one hell of a charming dude." "Whisky?" "Eh.., no, thanks, I don't, actually." "How's the newsletter comming on this is the final day, is't it?" "A.., Yes., It's not our best issue." "What's the lead story?" "At the moment.., I'm torn between "Almost Time To Plant Radishes"" "and "Lost Cat..." "Not Lost"." "Be that as it may.., the reason why I asked you round today was because I need your help with a project I'm working on." "Oh." "Can you tell me.." "is Kylie Minogue married?" "No.., I think the beauteous midget is still unattached." "Why..?" "Thinking she's the right woman for you, eh, David?" "No.., not me" " Hugo." "You see.., I've a list of all the women he fancies." "One of them is bound to want him." "According to Debrett he's the 108th most eligible bachelor in tho country." "Look, there he's under Dale Winton." "Interesting place to be" "Can I have a look at the list?" "Posh Spice, Kate Moss, Ann Widde..." "Hugo fancy Ann Widdecombe?" "!" "Well, he liked the way she took on Michael Howard." "You've even got me on this list!" "You think I'm being a bit silly, don't you?" "I just can't bear the thought of that Alice thing in my family!" "David.., I completely understand." "Alice does indeed have all the intellectual capacity and carisma ...of a cactus." "Alice is Cactus Woman." "But the trouble is, and it pains me to tell you this David," "you are the father of Cactus Man." "And these simple succulents were made for each other." "Actually... as cacti go, I think they're wonderful together." "Well then it will have to happen over my dead body." "Look, this is my new will, leaving Hugo nothing." "Ah, Hugo!" "Just in time." "I was showing the vicar my new will." "Papa, you're not THAT angry." "It's a bluff." "I can assure you that it isn't" "It's like when you tried to convince me you were Father Christmas." "I saw through that too." "Then you SEE wrong." "If you consort with the Tinker twerp, you will no longer be welcome in this house, you will no longer be my son, and as this will attests, you will have nothing." "On the contrary, sir..." "I will have everything in the world that I desire." "Hi!" "Hi!" "I'm.., I'm sorry I couldn't see you yesterday." "I had to sort something out with my father." "Oh, plumbing?" "No, I was talking to him about you, actually." "Oh." "Now that's sorted, the time has come to, er..." "Oh, have you dropped something?" "Where is it?" "No, I have to be on my knees, that's all." "Oh." "Shall I come too?" "It looks fun." "No." "You have to be sitting." "Oh..." "Alice?" "Yes?" "In the words of Sigourney Weaver, in the film Aliens," "I just want to say..." ""Get away from her, you bitch!"" "No." "No., earlier.., to the little girl." ""You stay in the ventilation shaft, I'll check the corridor."" "Just let me finish." "Yes." "Sorry." "Alice..., in the words of Sigourney Weaver in the film Aliens," "I just want to say..." "I will never leave you - that's a promise." "I love you, Alice Tinker." "And I have to know.., will you do me the greatest honour in the world and consent to be my wife?" "No..." "But I thought that..." "No.., I mean, let me finish." "No question I've ever been asked has been easier to answer... ..apart from when my mother asked me which Teletubby I most liked." "Cos the answer was Tinky Winky - absolutely, just like that." "But even including that, to no question I've ever been asked has my answer been more certainly and more positively..." "Yes." "That's right!" "Crackerjack!" "Well.., what have we here?" "She said yes!" "Oh.., that's a relief." "Or you'd have completely ruined my scoop." "Oh, "Verger Towed Hugo Horton." ..Where to?" "No.., no, "Verger TO WED Hugo Horton"." ""TO WED Hugo Horton."" "See?" "Is that true, Hugo?" "Are you going to marry the verger?" "But you ARE the verger, Alice!" "Oh, yes!" "Oh, right.., Oh, yeah." "Aw, nice." "Good luck." "What do you get if you eat too many Christmas decorations?" "I don't know." "What do you get if you eat too many Christmas decorations?" "Tinselitus." "Oh, dear, I'd better be careful." "What about?" "Eating Christmas decorations" " I'd no idea it was bad for you." "What?" "!" "You get tinselitus!" "Yes, which is a made-up disease!" "Oh..., It's all very well YOU saying it's all in the mind, but for people who have tinselitus, it's painfully real." "Stop right there, Alice." "Of course they shouldn't eat the Christmas decorations in the first place, but once they have wolfed down a couple of Santas, society shouldn't punish them." "Are you interessted in being alive on New Year's Day?" "I can't bear to think about it actually." "It allways happens at Christmas, everyone else is happy, and there in the loneliness of their bedrooms, with little bits of bauble and angels sticking out of their mouths..." "Oh., mercy." "The forgotten millions, the victims of tinselitus, or TI as we call it." "I'm beginning to think that, Herod had the right idea - kill 'em when they're young." "It's the kindest thing to do."