"The foreign secretary, Lord Redcliff." "Your Majesty, being inside of your confidence... is the greatest joy I've ever known." "Lord Redcliff, the fate of England is now in your hands." "Your confidence, being inside of Your Majesty... is the greatest single joy..." "I've ever known." "It's all right, Your Majesty." "I've got it." "I've got it." "All's well that ends well." "Shit." "Holy Jesus Christ!" "But it's cold outside." "Hmm?" "Oh!" "I say, Holmes, what did you think about Bessie Bellwood?" " Who the devil's Bessie Bellwood?" " Who the devil is—" "She's the young music hall singer— Came round to see you this afternoon." "Said she was being blackmailed or some such thing." "Ah, yes." "Why?" "What did you think of her?" "Some kind of a crackpot if you ask me." "Too trifling to bother with." "My sentiments exactly." "So, Watson, what do you make of all this stolen document business?" "Well, it must be pretty important, indeed... if the queen contacts you personally." "Her Majesty believes that unless the Redcliff document... is back in our hands by Thursday night... this country will be involved in a devastating war." " Holmes!" " Her Majesty suspects the French." "Now, you know my thinking, Watson." " How would you proceed?" " The 7:45 to Paris." "Bravo." " How the devil can you leave the country tonight—" " Without tipping off... every murderer and petty thief in England the moment we set foot on that train?" "Quite simple." "While Sherlock is gone... he will pass on one or two of his less urgent assignments... to his brother Sigerson." "Holmes, you never told me you had a brother Sigerson." "I never told you I had a brother Mycroft until the occasion arose." " But who is the fellow?" " Sigerson is my younger brother... and he's spent the past 35 years... getting hopelessly twisted in my shadow." " Extremely jealous, is he?" " Something of the sort." " Love and hate, eh?" " I should say hate and dislike." "Lovely flowers only a copper!" "How much did he give you?" " Five pounds." " Strange fellows." "I still don't understand... why we're going through all this bother." "If that document is so bloody important... why aren't you handling this case yourself?" "Because it all revolves around a woman, Watson... and a woman who must fall very much in love... before she's capable of trusting anyone." "Could I trouble you for a light?" "Thank you so much." "I suppose you've seen Sigerson about all this." "Seeing me in person is much too upsetting to him." "Well, I assume you selected some messenger... who will present Sigerson with all the essential information." "Even as we speak, Watson." "Even as we speak." "One Orville Stanley Sacker by name." "He's the only man I've ever met... who has a photographic sense ofhearing." "My word!" " Are you Mr. S., for Sigerson, Holmes?" " Perhaps." "Do you have a brother whose first name is Sherlock?" " I do not." " You do have a brother." " I do." " Might I inquire as to his first name?" ""Sheer Luck"!" "I see." "Well, your brother "Sheer Luck" sent me around with an urgent request... and this £5 note." "Are you at all interested?" "You can tell my brother to take his £5 note and shove—" "May I say that I've been a great admirer of yours for many years... especially your handling of the case of the three testicles." " You've studied the three testicles?" " Orville Stanley Sacker..." "Sergeant, Records Bureau, Scotland Yard." "A pleasure, Mr. Holmes." "Come in, Orville." "I was just making tea." "Hop on that bicycle seat." "I won't be a minute." "Et la, la, la!" "La, et la, la!" "La, la, la, la, la!" "La, la!" "Et la, la, la, la, la, la!" "Come on." "We haven't got all night." "All right." "Start pedaling." "Keep a steady pace." "Do you think you could pump a little faster?" "Certainly." "Et la!" " I'm sorry." "I wonder if I can get—" " Pedal!" "Pedal!" "For God's sake, man!" "Don'tjust stop in the middle like that!" "What do you think this is, a toy shop?" "Sucker." "Now, then, what's this urgent request?" "Due to ill health, your brother has decided... to take a short vacation in the country— not very long, two or three days at most—" " but he would very much appreciate—" " Sit down, won't you?" "Thank you." " Some tea?" " Yes." "Thank you very much." " Pray continue." " Due to ill health... your brother has decided to take a short vacation in the country— oh, not very long, two or three days at most—" " but he would very much appreciate—" " Some milk?" " Just a drop." " You were saying?" "Due to ill health... your brother has decided to take a short vacation in the country— not very long, two or three days at most—" " Sugar?" " Just one, please." " Yes, yes." "Go on." " Due to ill health... your brother has decided to take a short vacation in the country— oh, not very long, two or three days at most— but he would very much appreciate— very much appreciate—" "If you would handle one of his most urgent cases during the time of his absence." " I see." " All fees going to you, of course." "His way of saying he's stuck." " Anything else?" " He's taken the liberty of sending around... a Miss Bessie Bellwood of Chiselhurst... to whom he hopes you might be of some service." " Bessie Bellwood?" " Yes." "Are you sure the name is Bessie Bellwood?" " Positive." " I see." "Well, I'm very busy just now... but this case might present one or two points of interest." "At any rate, we shall know presently." "For unless I'm very much mistaken... the young lady's dainty hand... is just about to knock... upon my..." " door!" " How did you—" "Shh!" "Come in, Miss Bessie Bellwood of Chiselhurst." "There's a young lady downstairs to see you, my dear." " Shall I show her up?" " Show her up!" "And stop tippytoeing around out there!" "Walk like a man, for God's sake!" " Perhaps I better—" " No, no, no." "Sit down, Orville." "I find your presence comforting somehow." "I find your presence comforting somehow." "How do you do?" "My name is Bessie Bellwood." " Liar!" " Oh!" "You don't fool around, do you?" "How do you know that I'm not Bessie Bellwood?" "Chorus." "All right!" "Hello." " Well, I don't think I know that one." " Pity." "The next time you decide to impersonate... a music-hall singer who's been dead for 12 and a half years..." "I suggest you learn her full repertoire." "Won't you come in, Miss Liar?" "Thank you." "My, what a charming flat." "This is my good friend Orville Slacker." " Sacker." " Sacker." "Sorry." "Orville, may I present Miss Liar?" "How do you do?" "Pleased to meet you, I'm sure." " Merci bien." " Won't you sit down?" "No, thanks." "My!" "Your brother Sherlock certainly is a character." "My brother is a very insecure man." "Now precisely what is it that you want of me?" "Well, I have this friend—" " Liar!" " Ha!" "I'm being blackmailed." "May I offer you some tea?" "No, thanks." "Exactly who and what are you?" "My name is Jenny Hill... and I'm simultaneously funny and sad." "How interesting." "Do you have any idea who's blackmailing you?" " Eduardo Gambetti." " Gambetti?" " Oh, milk or sugar?" " Oh, no, thank you." "Eduardo Gambetti— the name strikes a bell." "Every heard of him, Sacker?" "Not Gambetti again." "Fraid so, sir." "Fat little fart fancies himself as an opera singer." "That's him, sir." "Pour us some tea, Sacker." "Yes, sir." "How does he do it, Greerson?" "Paysthehighestprices for spicy lettuce, sir." "Everything in the market goes to Gambetti." "The swine." "Swine he may be, sir... but he certainly is the cleverest of all the blackmailers." "I'm not sure— What just happened?" "Never mind." "I'll explain it to you later." "The swine wants money from you in return for what?" "Mr. Gambetti promised not to show my fiancé... a- a-a foolish letter I wrote... to a silly young man I met in the country." " What was in the letter?" " Nothing." "It was just an innocent little note." " What was in the letter, Miss Hill?" " Won't you call meJenny?" "What was in the letter, Miss Hill?" "By the way, do you mind if I call you Siggy?" "Sigerson seems so formal." "What was in the letter, Miss Hill?" "I said I wanted to touch his winkie!" "I see." " Good-bye." " His what?" "Nothing!" "Nothing!" "I'll explain it to you later." " You're leaving?" " Yes, I have to be at the theater by 10:00." "I hope you won't think too unkindly of me... but everything I've told you just now has been a lie." "I've just been rehearsing some new material for my act." "I see." "Just a few laughs, eh?" "Yes, that's the idea." "I was walking along... and then suddenly I saw your winkie on the door—" "Um, I mean, suddenly I saw your shingle on the door... and I said to myself, "Why not?" "If I'm lucky, I might just get a fresh, unsuspecting audience."" "Well, you were very lucky indeed, then, weren't you?" "Yes." "Today has— I'm—" "Well, what can I say?" "Um... you've been so very kind... a little gullible, perhaps... but, uh, I'm sorry if I took advantage of you." "Don't feel badly." "I'm sure God would much prefer us to be..." " a little too vulnerable than—" " Jenny!" "Hopping like kangaroos." "That's wonderful, funny." "I love that." "I'm dying to hear what comes next." "It's almost time, Professor Moriarty." "I know, Finny, but this is fascinating." " Go on, Bruner." " Well, sir—" "Pay no mind." "Go on with your report." "Well, sir, after a few more moments ofhopping—" "Go on, Bruner." "Go on." "The three of them bounced out of the room." "The three of them... bounced out of the room." "Bounced out of the room!" "They bounced out of the room!" "They bounced out of the room." "Here." "It really is time for—" "Ah." "And you just left them there, Bruner, hmm?" "You didn't wait to see which way they might be going?" "No sir." "I thought their behavior was so strange—" "That I'd better come and tell you right away." "I see." "Bounced out of the room." "Oh, that's delicious." "Step this way, Bruner." " Yes." "Is everything all right, Alicia, dear?" "Yes, Professor." "Fine, thank you." "I wonder if you would do me a small favor, Bruner?" "Anything, Professor." "Anything." "I wonder if you'd mind leaving by one of these two doors?" "I've got some official visitors coming up the main staircase." "I'd rather they didn't see you leaving." " You don't mind, do you?" " No, sir." "Good lad." "Either door, Bruner." "The choice is yours." "Hi, there." "I'm working with Prof— Holy shit!" "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." "It's the curse again." "And I know you'll understand." "Of course it's been a great trial to your patience, Father... but think of the burden that it's been to me." "Ever since that day... when my hereditary tendencies finally... burst out into the open... and I had this irrepressible desire to do something... absolutely rotten every 24 minutes!" "Well, it's been very painful to me, Father." "I mean, thinking up a real corker every 24 minutes... is no easy job, I'm telling you!" " Ready?" " Wait, wait, wait." "Wait, wait, wait." "Thank you." "Ready." "What's going on?" "Ooh!" "Ooh!" "Ooh!" "Ooh!" "Ooh!" "Ooh!" "Howmuchcashdoes he actually want from you now?" "Howmuchcashdoes he actually want from you now?" "None." "Mr. Gambetti told me he would give me back my letter... if I would promise to steal a certain document... from my father's wall safe." "What does your father do?" "He's the janitor in Brownings Bank in Clearwater Street." "Brownings doesn't have a bank in Clearwater Street." "Poor Papa." "I wonder if he knows." "What does your father do, Miss Hill?" "How did you know so quickly that Brownings doesn't have a Clearwater branch?" "I assumed you were lying." "What does your father do, Miss Hill?" "One of these days you're going to assume a broken ass, Mr. Holmes!" " What does your father do?" " That was no accident and you know it." " I know nothing of the kind." " If you hadn't made me move downstage..." "I would be dead now." "Well, as it happens, you are extraordinarily alive." "Your lies are of the same excellent quality." "I can't help you if you're going to become hysterical... and act as if everyone around is trying to hurt you!" "Scream." "#Scream #" "Scream." "Scream." " What are you saying?" " I'm saying—" "How do you do?" "How far are we from Piccadilly Circus?" "Not far." "There's a long, dark stretch up ahead of us first." "That's what the buggers are waiting for." "Brace yourself till we get there." " Then try to outrace them, all right, Fred?" " Right you are, guv." "No good, guv." "I can't outrace them with our load." " Their horses are too fast." " Get back." "I'm coming up." "#Away, away, away, away #" " #Away, away, away, away #" " What are you doing?" "Whenever I'm petrified, I either cry or sing." "London streets and places of interest!" " #Away, away, away #" " Abbey Road!" "Abbey Street!" " #Away, away, away, away #" " Abbington Road." " Adelphi Terrace!" "Adelphi Theater!" " #Away, away, away, away #" "#Away, away, away, away #" " Fred!" " Yes, sir!" "Give me your hand for support." "Come on, horsey!" "It's time for me to be going home now." " Good night, guv!" " Good-bye!" "Evening, Mr. Holmes." "Won't you come join us?" "Well—" "All right, but just for a few minutes." "Oh, taxi." "Jenny, this isn't the way—" "I don't wish to talk about it." "The problem won't disappear... because you don't wish to talk about it." "I don't wish to talk about it!" "You're making a tragic mistake, love." "I've made a tragic mistake... more tragic than you can possibly imagine... and unless I'm very careful, I'm going to die for it." "Please let me go." "Thank you." "Good night, Sergeant Sacker." "Good night, Jenny." " Good night, Mr. Holmes." " Good night." "Thank you for a lovely evening." "Come on." ""Where only a few moments later..." ""a prop motorcar..." ""slipped from its safety catches..." ""and crashed upon the stage." ""If London rests a bit more securely tonight..." ""it is, once again, due to Mr. Sherlock Holmes... who in his"—" ""Quiet, unassuming... genius"—" "Care for some more tea, Sacker?" "Oh, ta!" "Don't mind if I do." " Make us some, would you?" " Righto." "The water's just boiling." "What I don't understand is whether someone was trying to killJenny... or whether someone was trying to killJenny because she was with you." "That, my boy, is much more to the point." " Hello." " What?" " Shh!" " I didn't hear anything." "That doesn't necessarily mean that there wasn't anything to hear." "Don't run away, Jenny!" "I assure you there's no cause for embarrassment." "Just put your hand back on the doorknob and walk in!" "Telegram for you, my dear." "Only just arrived." "I thought I told you not to play outside my door." "But I thought you'd want to see it, sir." "It'd only just come." "I was sweeping down by—" "All right!" "All right!" "That's enough of this nonsense." " Give it here!" " Yes, sir." " What does it say?" " "Greasy goose dressing, excellent." ""Leave room for exactly 10 servings before theater... and pass red lion..." "on cheddar street cheese. "" "Good heavens!" "I didn't realize it was that late." " I really must be—" " Oh, don't be a ninny!" "It's obviously a code of some sort." "I just have to decipher it." "What do you suppose it means?" "Cheddar Street cheese." "Cheddar Street?" "Is there any street in London by that name?" " No cheddar." " Curious." "The clue obviously lies in the word "cheddar."" "Seven letters, rearranged... they come to—" "Let me see." ""Radched."" ""Dechdar."" ""Drechad."" ""Chaderd."" "Hello." "Chaderd." "Unless I'm very much mistaken..." ""chaderd" is the Egyptian word meaning to eat fat." "Now we're getting somewhere." " Have you tried school code?" " What do you mean?" "Grammar school code." "Count off every third word." "What are you talking about?" "You think we're dealing with simpletons?" "All you get from that is, "Dressing room 10... theater, Red Lion Street."" "Do you call this tea?" "No, I call it hot water." "I was just rinsing out the cup when you grabbed it." "May I have some tea, please?" "Certainly." "Come in." "How good of you to come." "May I pour you some tea?" "Yes, thank you." "Milk and two sugars?" " Yes." "Thank you." " Gentlemen." "Gentlemen, once more please from the letter "A."" "Sit down, won't you?" "Thank you." "Thank you." "May I ask what made you change your mind about seeing me?" "Yes, you may." "What made you change your mind about seeing me?" "I'll tell you something." "If you had a stronger chin... you'd be a pretty good looker." " What do you think about that?" " And I'll tell you something." "You're a frightened little girl... who for some twisted reason needs to be sexually stimulated... before she'll trust anyone." "What do you think about that?" "That is the most ridiculous thing I ever heard in my life." "Would you like me to warm your pee— Your tea?" " No, thanks." " Well—" "Well, I'm certainly not... not going to sit here... and— and deny that— that I'm alarmed... by what's happening to my father." " Biscuit?" " No, thank you." "What is happening to your father?" "Ever since I stole that document from his wall safe—" " Yes?" " I—" "He hasn't been the same man." "I mean, he'll— He'll spend an hour... just staring off into space." "I had no idea that little piece of paper... was so important." "I swear I didn't." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry, Jenny." " I didn't know—" " What are you doing?" " What?" " What are you taking your hand away for?" "I wasn't trying to—" "I didn't mean to." " I was only trying to make a point." " Oh." " I'm sorry if I—" " No, that's all right." "Well, perhaps... we better call it a day." "Could I ask you just one more question?" "Don't you even want to know... about my father?" "Mmm." "Mmm." "Yes... please." "Who is he?" "I can't tell you that!" "You can't tell me that?" "That's what you've got to tell me." "I can't." "Please don't ask me that." "Jenny." "Please." "For once in your life... trust someone." "I'm trying." "I really am trying." " It's— It's very difficult." " Well, let me help you." "I will." "I will." " You'll feel better afterwards." "I promise." " I know I will—" " And you will too." " Good!" "I promise." " Then who is he?" " Don't ask." "Jenny." "Who is your father?" " He—" " Good." " Is—" " Good!" "Good!" "Good!" "Good!" " The—" " Yes!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "I" " I-I can't!" "I—" "Oh." "Ooh!" "Um—" "Oh!" "Oh!" "He is the... foreign secretary for Great Britain!" "Thank you!" "Thank you!" "Oh, Jenny." "Perhaps now we can get to the bottom of things." "I think so." "Gentlemen, the Redcliff document will be in my hands... at approximately six minutes past 10:00 this evening." "Now then, what are my bids?" "Russia bids 5,000." "Russia bids 5,000 pounds." "Rubles." "Rubles?" "All right!" "Now then, let's see." "There are eight rubles to the pound... so we simply divide 5,000 by eight." "Eight into 50 goes six—" "Guests!" "Six eights are 48... carry the two, bring down the zero." "Eight into 20 goes twice, eight to 16." "Four over." "Carry the four, bring down the zero." "Eight into 40 goes five times!" "Spit that out." "Spit it out, or go to your room." "Russia bids £625." "Good thing I'm a math professor." "7,000." " 7,000 rubles." " French francs." "F" " French francs?" "Of course!" "Quick, get the daily paper." "France bids 7,000 French francs." "What's a franc going for today?" "A franc is 11.18." "A franc is 11.18 to the pound... so I simply put down 11.18—" "Oh, Christ, how do you do this?" " Just put down 11.18." " Oh, sure, I wouldn't know... even to put down 11.18." "What I'm asking, you idiot, is whether you multiply or divide." " Divide." " Are you sure?" " Yes." " I'll kill you if you screw this up." "Now then, we simply divide 11.18... into 7,000." "What do I do with the decimal point?" "You move the decimal point two places to the right." "You mean I divide 1,118 into 7,000?" " 700,000." " What?" "Well, you add two zeros to the 7,000... to make up for moving the decimal point two places to the right." "Well, what the hell did we move the decimal point for in the first place?" "To make it easier." "All right, the bidding will start... at £5,000." " 5,000." " 8,000." " 10,000!" " 12,000." " 15,000!" "18,000!" " 17,000. 19,000." "20,000!" "24,000!" " 29,000." " 30,000!" "Mr. Holmes to see Lord Redcliff." " I sent a wire." " Yes, sir." "His Lordship will be with you presently." "Mr. Holmes?" "Lord Red— Redcliff, I presume." "I can't tell you how glad I am to see you." "How very nice of you to say." "Tell me, did you, uh—" "Did you, uh— Did you find out anything?" "We think—" " We think—" " Yes, I know, but I mean... about— did you, uh—" "You're Mr. Holmes, aren't you?" "Yes." "That's right." "Mm-hmm." "Yes." "Mr. Sherlock Holmes?" "Uh, no." "I am his brother..." " Sigerson." " Sigerson?" "Yes." "As I'm sure— You're aware... my brother comes to me for help... on some of his difficult cases." "What is it you wish of me, Mr. Holmes?" "I mean, I'm an extremely busy man." "No more busy than I, Your Lordship, I assure you." "In that case, let's come to the point." "The point is, Lord Redcliff... that your daughter has told me everything." "My daughter?" "How could you possibly know my daughter?" "I have saved her life upon two separate occasions." "Would you be good enough to describe her to me?" "She has magnificent red hair... about 27 years of age..." "I should say 5'31/2" tall... and... extraordinarily beautiful." "Really?" "Would you please leave my house, sir?" "I don't understand." "What have I said?" "Mr. Holmes, or whoever you are... my daughter has blonde hair... a little under five feet, and she's 12 years old." "Will you please pay attention?" "In any case, geography, why bother with it?" "Why even study it?" "Daddy!" "Daddy!" "If it isn't the truth..." "I will never see you or speak to you again." "I—" "Sorry." "Lord Redcliff is my fiancé." "I am governess to his children." "I thought he only wanted me for their sake, but... after his wife died, I realized he really does love me." "We were to be married this Friday afternoon." "How could you have stolen that document from him?" "I didn't know what was in it." " I still don't." " So you stole the document..." " and gave it to Gambetti." " Yes." "And now he won't give you back your love letter." "No." "He gave it back when I gave him the document." "Then what in God's name do you want from me?" "I— I want you to steal the document back from Gambetti." "You—" "Sorry." "Where would you like us to drop you off?" "He's going to resign as foreign secretary." "Where would you like us to drop you off?" "I am not proud of what I did!" "You've just told me a magnificent success story." "Overlooking the fact that you're a liar... a thief, a traitor, and a whore..." " I don't see what should be bothering you!" " You!" "No!" "Oh, no!" "No!" "Oh!" "Please help me." "Do you know where Gambetti lives?" "I've been rehearsing in his house for three weeks." "Lord Redcliff arranged for me to be in Mr. Gambetti's opera company." "Sacker, we're going to need a floor plan of Gambetti's house." " Can you dig one up?" " Well—" " I have one in my purse." " You—" "Yes, I can." "Hurry up!" "For God's sake, what are you doing back there?" "I'm sorry." "Can I help you?" " How did you get there?" " Through the gate." "Are you trying to get us killed?" " No, I just thought—" " Never mind!" "There's no time to argue." "Help me down." "Do you hear music?" " Must be a party." " Might be a little sticky." "Keep these ready." "I'll show you how simple this can be... when you know what you're doing." "Quick!" "Behind the curtains." "Mama." "Mama." "Oh, mama, mama." "Mama." "Oh, that's a beauty." "Peekaboo." "Professore!" " Ah!" " Signor Gambetti." "I love your hat." "I love your face." "I love your nose!" "By the way, where you keep your wallet?" " Right here." " Ooh!" "Oh, please, please, come in my house!" "I love this guy!" "Here's your money." "Oh." "Stop!" " Feel free to count it." " Don't touch the money!" " You got a lovely vase." " And you got a lovely face." "Hey, we have a nice time, huh?" "What a nice, fat sound!" "Boom!" "Please, make yourself comfortable." "My house is your house." "Everybody here!" "Okay!" "£50,000!" "You know, Professor Moriarty... your mama, she raise a nice boy." " Now may I please have the document?" " Are you crazy?" "I don't keep the document in the house." "What did you say?" "Professore, Professore... don't you understand?" "You very big shot." "If I give you the document tonight... you can— If I give you the document tonight... you gonna send a lot of big boys over here work for you." "They come over here, they crack my head." "That's no nice." "Then they take the money before I send it home to my mama." "No, no, no, no." "No." "I think it's better for my health... if I give you the document in public." "In public?" "How the hell are you going to give it to me in public?" "Oh ho!" "In the opera!" " What opera?" " It— Oh, you—" "That's no fair." "That's no fair." " Sì." "In the opera." " What opera?" " Italian!" " Which Italian?" "Un Ballo in Maschera, by Giuseppe Verdi!" "How the hell do I get the document!" "While I'm singing!" "I'm happy!" "We having some fun!" "A little expensive, but lots of fun!" " How you feel?" " I—" "Good!" "I'm glad!" "But you haven't told me... how I get the document." "In the opera, the messenger, he sing:" "#Why don't we all drink some very sexy wine #" "I give him a big piece of empty paper." " So?" " So, you got to send your own messenger." "When he sing:" "#Why don't we all drink some very sexy wine #" "Instead of the big piece of empty paper..." "I give him the Redcliff document... and everybody happy." " Whew." " Hey, you're a little tired?" " Yes." " Come on." "We take a nice nap." "You no fool around." " Shh." " Okay, Professore." "Oh, wait." " Who the hell are you?" " Glass fitter." "I was told you needed several new panes of glass." "I was just taking some preliminary measurements." "Do you always wear formal dress on the job?" " "Elite glass for any class."" " Is that a fact?" "You bet your ass." "Ah!" "That'll be my assistant." "Godfrey, you've made your estimates." "We can toddle off now." "Hey, what's the hell going on here?" "Good evening, Mr. Holmes." " Ooh!" " No, not him." "It's his younger brother." " Oh." " Enjoying the entertainment, are you?" "Not bad." "The clowns aren't very funny... but you can't have everything." "Would you have some accommodations for our two friends, signor... where no one could possibly disturb them?" "Well, I got the guest room." "It's, uh, a little bit small... but, uh... very, very private." "Good night, boys." "Don't have bad dreams." "I am very frightened." "Nothing is hopeless, do you understand?" "Nothing!" "I wish I knew what in Christ's name... he was saying to Moriarty." "Professore... this room is 15 inches wide." "My little saw is gonna come right down the middle." "I hope you like the color red." " I also read lips." " Hello." " What?" " Our inflated bodies... are approximately 11 inches thick... but without air in them, they'd only be 7 inches thick—" " Give or take an inch." " An inch?" "Now then, when I say go, start exhaling for all you're worth... but not before I say so, or you might be forced to inhale... while the saw's on us." " Do you understand?" " Of course." "All right!" "Now!" "That way, quickly." "Coming late." "#We're singing at the party #" "#We ate a great big dinner #" "# Hot hors d'oeuvres, Cold hors d'oeuvres #" "# Oy, did we stuff ourselves #" "#The chicken was delicious #" "# Everyone is dancing #" "# Up and down, all around #" "# Let's hope we don't get sick #" "Hey!" "I'm here!" "#You cannot hide this ángel face #" "# I knew you by your smell #" "Is this rotten or wonderfully brave?" "Shh!" "# Stop that, you're such a tickle-tease #" "#You know I'm super passionate #" "# Oh, my, you make my heart go down #" "#Try to hold on to your sex urge #" "# I won't I can't sleep over #" "#All right I'll try it once #" "# If I see that it doesn't work #" "# I know that, ah, maybe practice would help #" " #You gotta first meet my mama #" " Wait a minute!" "#You gotta sample her cooking #" "#I'm not hungry #" " #Just antipasto #" " No!" "#And after #" "#We'll hop into bed #" "#You've got your hand on my wife's boobies #" "Ay-yi!" "# Ricardo #" "# Ricardo #" "# Ricardo #" "#Why don't we all drink #" "#Why don't we all drink #" "#Some very sexy wine #" "# Why don't we all drink #" "# Some very sexy wine #" " Uh-oh." " Uh-oh." " Uh-oh." " Huh?" "# Why don't we all drink #" "# Some very sexy wine #" "#The princess was in peril #" "#The chicken was delicious #" "# Now we drink, Now we dance #" "# Let's hope we don't get sick #" "# Salu-te #" "Ooh!" " #Why don't we all #" " Shut your mouth!" "#The chicken was in peril #" "#The princess was delicious #" "# Now we drink Now we dance #" "#Let's hope we don't get sick #" "# Stop that, you're such a tickle-tease #" "# You know I'm super passionate #" " # Oh, my, you make my heart go pow #" "# Try to hold on to your sex urge #" "#I won't I can't sleep over #" "#All right I'll try it once #" "#If I see that it doesn't work #" "#I know that, ah, maybe practice would help #" "# First taste my mommy's cooking #" "#You cannot say #" "# I'm not hungry #" "# I'm not hungry #" "#Just smell her gnocchi #" "#And after #" "#We'll hop into bed #" "# I want you now #" "# I want you now #" "# I want you now #" "# I want you now #" "# Ohh #" "#And me #" "Oh, boy!" "# I want you now #" "# I want you now #" "# I want you now #" "# I want you now #" "# I want you now #" "#Ricardo #" "# Ricardo #" " Ow!" " # Ricardo #" "# Oh, what regret when love devours my heart #" "# Oh #" "Shit!" "# Oh ##" "Stay back!" "A Webly's Number Two, I think, carries only six cartridges." "Yes, that's right, six." "You're too shit smart for your own good, boy." "This sword I'm carrying is not a prop." "Neither is this." "Did you know I used to be the 11 th best fencer in Europe?" "If that's true... this should be very exciting." "Drop your sword, Mr. Holmes." "Drop it or I'll—" "Blow your brains out." "I always wanted one of those." "Well, let's try out, Mr. Holmes." "That's the way to do it." "Hyah!" "You're just being used, you know." "Your brother only meant you for a decoy." " Did you figure that out yet?" " Yes." " Ow!" " Oh, be careful of those spikes, lad." "They can hurt something desperate." "Like that." "It's very difficult to be a hero in real life." "You were good, son." "You were very good!" "But you must always, always, be thinking two and three moves ahead." "Your brother's a master at it." "Now, give me that document... or I'll shove this right through your throat." "I love pure reason." "Good lad!" "Good!" "That's the idea!" "I even brought one myself, just in case." "I wonder which is the real one." "Drop your sword or I'll throw these into the river." "Only two left." "This is fun!" "Right." "We both know there were four fakes on that prop table." "Now give me the real document you took from Gambetti... or, I swear to God, I'll kill you." "Good-bye, son." "Bye-bye." "I still win!" " How are you?" " Never better." " You?" " Tip-top." "Oh, you did it, boss!" "You outsmarted them all!" "Aw, you genius son of a g—" "Just leave it on that table, would you?" "Don't you have to get it to Lord Redcliff?" "I think it will be in his hands... in a very short while." "Holmes, how can you ever repay him?" "By playing the violin, Watson." "By playing the violin." " Hello!" " Hello." "What do you call this kind of a day?" "This is a crazy day." " Aren't you being married in a few minutes?" " I most certainly am." "Your telegram said urgent." "Urgent?" "Is that what I said?" "I didn't— I'm— I— What did I say, "urgent"?" " Yes." " I just wanted to say good-bye." "Good-bye." "Good-bye." "Bye." "What the hell am I supposed to do now?"