"[ Female Announcer Over P.A. ] Welcome to Los Angeles International Airport." "[ Man Narrating ] Everybody's flocking to the city of dreams, hoping to hitch their wagon to a star." "Passport, please." "What is the purpose of your visit?" " I'm an actor, douche bag." " I'm a psychic superstar." " I'm a documentary filmmaker." " I'm here to win prizes, sweet cheeks." " Are you traveling alone?" "Uh, no." "I've got me mum in here." "[ Narrator ] What these three men don't realize... is that fame and fortune are fleeting." "It's stupidity that's eternal." "Welcome to La La Land." "[ Siren Blaring In Distance ]" "[ Man ] * The city streets are paved with all I love to love *" "* I blew right in to make the wrong that I did right *" "* This town will love me through the day, through the night *" "[ Gary ] Mickey." "Yeah, it's me." "I've arrived." "I'm in bloody La La Land. [ Laughing ]" "Yeah, I've got this geezer driving me." "Guess what." "He drove Jason Statham." " Yeah." "You seen Crank?" " Of course." "All right." "Crank 1- if his heart rate drops," "Yeah. he dies." "And Crank 2-- if his heart rate drops, he dies." "[ Narrator ] Gary just landed in L.A." "However, Brendan arrived a few days ago... and has already hired his camerawoman, Kiki, a dancer he met in a Koreatown strip club." "When I saw you in that cage and I looked at you," "I thought, "This girl is gonna bring me luck." Really?" "And that's why I brought you." "Oh!" "Here we are." "Chateau Brendan." "So only one bedroom, Kiki, but you get to sleep in a chair." "It's a wonderful experience to drive you around." "Thank you so much, Chico." "Okay." "[ Narrator ] Shirley Ghostman was on the brink... of becoming Britain's most famous psychic entertainer, but recent events have forced him to flee the U.K." "[ Shirley ] When I make it in America, Chico, everyone back in England will be like," ""Sorry we did wrong by you." "We should never have bloody arrested you." ""'Cause all you were doing was trying to do good for the world." "It all got turned against you."" "[ Narrator ] The British police force has frozen Shirley's bank accounts." "To keep up appearances, he's promoted his driver, Chico, to the position of personal assistant." "Come on, Chico." "Hello." "I'm, uh, checking into the hotel." "Book me in for a couple of weeks, and then I think we can just, you know, keep it going from there." "May I see a photo I.D. and a credit card?" "Okay." "Okay, just look." "And sleep." "Now, when I bring you back from your trance, you will allow me to stay here for two weeks." "And come back." "Okay." "We're all done then." "Have you got a little card to get in the door or whatever it is-- the little doodad?" "Key?" "Yes." "So do you have an I.D. with you so I can put your name" " I do." "Um" " And sleep." "[ Gary ] Have you seen any of Ruta Lee's movies?" "Seven Brides for Seven Brothers." "She's a diamond." "When she's over in the U.K.-- 'Cause I drive." "I do what you're doing now in the U.K." "And once I was driving Ruta Lee." "That's how we first met." "And she did say to me, "Gary, if you ever come over, my door is always open."" "She's proper old school Hollywood." "You know?" "Ah, Mrs. L." "Welcome." "Come on in." "Hello." "God, you look gorgeous." "Well, thank you." "I fluffed up for you." "[ Both Laughing ] This house... was once lived in by Rita Hayworth and Orson Welles." "Oh, my God." "Enjoy." "South Pacific." "Bob Hope and Jack Benn y-- with me!" "Got a bird." "Yes." "Now, what brought you here?" "Well, my mum thought I could do it." "You know?" "She was like" " She wanted to be an actress, and she put a lot of effort into it, and she ended up... doing, you know, erotic" "That's all right. stuff in England." "i" " But she had a stroke while she was doing a film." " I'm sorry." "With six guys." "And on her deathbed, she was like," ""Gary, you should be an actor, my son." "" And what have you done?" "I haven't" " I mean, I did a lot of stuff at school." "School." "I was, like, a rat in The Pied Piper of Hamelin." "But everyone" " You know, when I'm down the pub, everyone turns around." "I'm like, "Oi!" And everyone- "Is that Gary?" But that's" ""You should be on the stage, mate." Sure." "'Cause I go in there, and I'm doing all this." "All right is all right." "You know, doing a little joke, going over... i- or gettin' someone in there, they're like" " Cute, cute, cute." "All bullshit." "Cute, cute." "All bullshit." "But everyone is like, "It's Gary." "" Doesn't mean a thing." "Now, shut up for one minute." "You're coming in and doing, "Ehh"... and having all the guys- all the blokes in the pub turn around... and say, "You should be in the movies."" "It's not what it is though." "That's what they say." "That is what they say." "I can tell jokes." "Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "I did up." "I did up who?" "[ Laughing ] Mrs. L." " Was there a joke there?" " Well" "I didn't get it." "All right." "Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "I did up." "I did up who?" "Did you?" "[ Laughing ]" "Jesus. [ Laughing ] I did up" " Are you" " Good, innit?" " It doesn't mean diddly squat." "It does." "No, it doesn't." "I'm right here." "It might mean it to the blokes at the bar, but you don't know shit from Shinola... about what the technicalities are of film." "Yeah, but I've been trained in the university of life." "You know?" "That may be fine, but you haven't been trained" "'Cause at the end of the day, acting is lying, innit?" "It's like, if you're out with a bird, and she's like, "Does my bum look big in this?"" "You know you ain't gonna get anything tonight... if you say, "Yeah, it's huge."" "So you go, "No." There." "That's acting." "You have not the vaguest frigging idea what you're talking about." "[ Laughing ] Oh, come on." "Not the vaguest." "Come on, Mrs. L. I can do drama." "I'm not" " You know" " How do you know you can do drama?" " But look at this." " And what is that supposed to prove to me?" " Imagine what I'm thinking now." "I have not the vaguest idea." "Nor do I care." " I know, but" "I can do it in the eyes." "Everyone says I can do it in the eyes." "Watch." "Sad." "Happy." "I'm thinking about something." "Watch this." "[ Laughs ] You know what?" "That's not acting." "[ Shirley ] The thing what makes me different from other psychics... is a lot of celebrities come through." "Okay." "I've got access to the sort of V.I. P. area, if you like, in heaven." "That's a gift." "So that would be something" "Actually, I've had Heath Ledger come through to me." "Oh, my." "I worry that that's too soon." "That might be." " I wanna turn up in Hollywood here and just make it big." "Well, I think you need to start building and getting some following." "I don't know of anybody that does the psychic readings that's-- looks like you." "I would like to change a bit if I can." "What happened to me in the U.K. " " I want to silence that and begin again." "And begin again here." "Because basically what happened... was Olivia Graham's parents hired me, 'cause their child went missing." "I do a lot of this work in the U. K. where I help investigators." "Investigators." "Okay." "Yeah." "And then they were looking for her." "And the spirits were showing me her in very shallow water." "And I said, "Stop the search." "She is dead."" "[ Gasps ]" " The publicy was fantastic." "I was front page." "Living gave me a series." "Everything was going sweet." "And then she escaped from hiding." ""Olivia escaped from a basement in Bixby Square," ""less than a mile from her home..." ""and ruined Ghostman's already debatable credibility." ""What followed was a public downward spiral of self-destruction... by the fallen fraudster."" "And this is when they got me, 'cause they got an undercover reporter" "Oh, dear." "Mm-hmm. to trick me." "And he basically offered for Â£4, 000 cash that he could wipe her out for me." "And it was his idea, not mine." "All they've got is some footage... where I was nodding at what he was saying." "I didn't directly say, "Get rid of her."" "Okay, so you" " Okay, let's go back to the Living series." " So you had a series." " I had a series." "Everything was fine." " So you have that behind you, so that's good." "No, I don't,'cause this little shit escaped." "So you wanna stay here now, leave that behind." "You think you wanna stay in Los Angeles?" "I'd love to stay in Los Angeles." "I'd love to make it here." "Okay." " And to be honest, if I do go back there, I'll get arrested." "[ Narrator ] Across town, Brendan eagerly awaits his first L.A. pitch meeting... with an award-winning producer." " [ Knocking ]" " Coming." "Come in." "[ Kiki ] [ Man ]" "[ Kiki ] Uh-huh." "Who is it?" "Seldon Alfel." "Who?" "Seldon Alfel." "Um, let's-- let's" " Again" "[ Man ]" "[ Kiki ]" "Oh." "Seldon Alfel." "Sheldon" " Alfeld." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Hi." "How do you do?" "Brendan Allen." "Pleased to meet you." "How do you do?" "Please take a seat." "Thank you." "Whoa." "You don't mind if I sit over here?" "No." "Not at all." "Okay." "So, what brings you to Hollywood?" "Um, I am a moviemaker." "And I wanna make documentary feature films in Hollywood." "I'm on this journey on my own, really." "Well, I've got Kiki, who does my camerawork for me." "I just wanna make something-- [ Growls ]" "Along what lines?" "Okay, what about sharks?" "Sharks?" "Well, for years now, we've only been watching documentaries... where we see sharks from above the water-- seeing their fins, seeing kind of that froth around the fins." "My idea, we build a cage-- maybe something like steel to stop the sharks getting in." "And then we have someone underneath the water film the sharks." "You actually see under the water." "Uh, yes." "That's been done, um, quite some time." "No, no." "That's when you see the fins on the top." "You build a camera that actually films underwater." "No, I understand that." " That's what "Couseau"- - the late "Couseau" did." " No, no." "Sorry." "I respect what you're saying, but I don't think you understand what I'm saying." "I'm on about building a camera, 'cause I've got a friend who's got a radio that he uses in the shower." "i" " Okay." " I'm all about using some of that technology, building a camera and actually filming under the water." "You actually see the sharks swimming around." "That's exactly what I was telling you." " Why are you doing this to me?" " I'm not doing anything to you." "Every idea I'm giving you- I've been a producer 60 years." "you are just pummeling it down." "I have produced almost 4,000 shows." "It's been done." "No." "They've all" "Under the water." "No." "They've only been filmed from above the water." "No, they have not." " If you filmed under the water, you'd get eaten by a shark." "Not in a cage." " Well, no, exactly." "That's my idea." "You build a cage." "You put someone in it." "You lower them down, and then you film it under." " So I don't know who this, um" " Jacques Cousteau." "Yeah." "But I'm saying I, Brendan Allen- Not Jack Whoever" " What is it?" "Jacques Cousteau." "Yeah." " Go under the water." " I know what you're saying." "Yeah, below where the boats are." "I understand what you're saying." " Yeah, right." " Except for one small detail." "It has been done." "They just took a snap of me at a urinal." "I put my hand up." "And I don't know what" "They Photoshopped this, 'cause this is not" " That's not me." " Of course they did." "That stuff happens all the time." "But I'm not gay, okay?" "Okay." "That's fine." "I got family." "I'm fed up with people saying I'm gay when I'm not gay." "There." "That's my family." "Oh, shit." "Sorry." "That's my family." "Is that" " Okay, is that a little boy?" "Yeah." "Lovely, aren't they?" "How old are your children?" "Um" "F" " Four." "That's a little one." "D'ya think?" "Or five?" "One." "That's a baby." "That's a baby." "That's the little baby of the family." "The sharks can't get him, because of the cage around him." "Yes." "This cage has been seen in a lot of films." "Why do you wanna knock a young man's ideas, destroy my originality?" "I am supposed to tell you, "That's a great idea." "Go ahead and do it and make a fool of yourself"?" "Because this is the problem with Americans." "They steal my ideas." "Look" "I'm sorry, but" " I'm about two seconds from walking out of here, because" "You're jealous of me, aren't you?" " I am?" " Why don't you just say it?" " I am?" "Jealous?" " Yes." "Best of luck to you." "You're gonna need it." "Yeah." "Here." "I will help you." "Guy's a fucking idiot." "[ Narrator ] Ruta Lee has sent Gary to have his actor's headshot taken... by photographer to the stars, Lennon." "[ Lennon ] Have a seat." "This is" " All your wardrobe is in here?" "My wardrobe?" "Yes." "Is this what you're gonna be shot in?" "Well, yeah." "I'm just gonna tell you that this is not gonna read well on camera for a headshot." "Well, what do you mean "not gonna read well"?" "This is, like, expensive gear." "To be honest, I've done a lot of this before." "I ain't telling you how to do what you do." "But I've done, like, wedding stuff." "I've done my sister's wedding." "I've done, like" "Is this a proper place- before we get off on to the wrong foot?" "Have you got, like, proper backdrops with, like, library and all that?" "The wheel" " You're on a wheel where it looks like countryse or something?" "Well, that's what you would do if you were going to Sears for a family portrait." " This is" " I shoot actors." " But all seriousness, right?" "You ain't got a library backdrop?" "No, I don't have a library backdrop." "Well, that's one of the first things- Can I just tell you something?" "If you go to a professional photographer in England" "You're not in England. one of the first things you do is you get a library backdrop." "First of all, a headshot is a picture of your head." "Right?" "Yeah." "I've seen 'em." "I know." "I know." "And you glamour it all up, put the pearls on, all that." "And then they make you buy one." "I know what you're gonna do." "'Cause I'm already there." "Okay." "The first photo, you charge whatever you like." "Take this one for free." "And then you want the big portrait done" " No." "with all the swirls like the oil painting." "No." "My friend, you must be shopping in malls for headshots, 'cause that's not what we do." "Mickey. [ Laughing ]" "Sorry, mate." "I got Mickey on the line." "One second." "Tell Mickey I said hello." "It's sort of a bit hokey, to be honest." "He ain't got a wagon wheel." "He ain't got the backdrops." "He ain't got any of the like." "Any of the stuff." "Mickey's just saying, "What camera you got?"" "[ Scoffs ] Tell him I use a Polaroid camera." "He uses a Polaroid." "I'm kidding." "Does Mickey have something called a computer?" "Tell him to look me up on the Web." "Mickey. [ Laughs ] He's a bit pissed." "He's pissed." "Are you on the Google and all that?" "He's got a Web site." "This mush has got a Web site." "Have a look at it." "Lemon." "What is it?" "Lennon." " Yeah, I think he might be one of those." "What's on the site?" "Are you joking?" "Benicio del Whatever His Name Is." "Benicio del What's His Name." "That's one of my people, yes." "Lay off the beer." "All right, mate." "You can't walk around this town... with this attitude that you know everything about this business." "You can't be taking your advice from someone that you call a drunk." "I'm a fish out of water, and the only person I got to rely on is Mickey." "That's the only smart thing you've said so far... is that you're a frickin' fish out of water, dude." "If I'm good enough to shoot Academy Award-winning people," "I'm good enough to shoot for you." "Benicio del Toro didn't ask for a wagon wheel or a library background." "You're wearing lime green and gray." "Yeah." "Okay?" "You got your Mr. T starter kit, which" " That definitely has to go." "What's in the bag?" "Like, do you have any other clothes with you?" "No." "I've got, uh" "Your Academy Award?" "No." "Not yet." "This." "Your "I know everything about acting" trophy?" "What is it?" " You brought your mother's ashes with you?" " To scatter 'em in Hollywood." "Was your mother an actress or something?" "Yeah." "Did she work in Hollywood?" "She didn't work in Hollywood." "No, she never got here." "Do you know Electric Blue?" "No." "It's like porn, but it's, like, not full hard-core porn." "Your mother was a sof t-core actress?" "An actress, yeah." "Sorry, but can I just say, all right?" "Because I get this a lot." "Kate Winslet gets an Oscar for just getting her tits out... in whatever it was- the German thing what she done." "My mum, with all that gloop on her face, could still pull off a proper, believable orgasm, and that ain't good acting?" "You can't compare Kate Winslet to what your mother did." "It's a different part of the entertainment business." "It's acting." "That's what it is." "Fantastic." "Let's get to work." "[ Narrator ] Brendan is going through a divorce with his wife, Susie, and is determined to persuade their five-year-old son, Jack, to come and live with him in Los Angeles." "[ Line Ringing ]" "[ Woman ] Realty's office." "Hi." "Uh, my name is, uh, Brendan Allen, and I'd like to buy the property that you have at Sierra Mar Place." "[ Woman ] Okay." "Hello." "Hi." "You Brendan?" "Russ." "Yeah." "Nice to meet you." "Russ Filice, Sotheby's." "Hi." "So do you know anything about this house?" "I know a little bit." "It's the former home of Jerry Seinfeld." "Oh, wow." "The house is about 6,000 square feet." "[ Gasps ] My God." "There are three bedrooms in the main house, plus a theater." "Wow." "It's gorgeous, isn't it?" "It's great." "I mean, the view's fantastic." "It's great." "Would you mind if I gave a business associate of mine a call, maybe" "Absolutely." "Go ahead." "call him down, just 'cause of the financial implications of buying" "Absolutely." "Let's do it." "somewhere like this." "Hey, Jack." "It's Daddy. [ Laughs ]" "Show this to Mommy, because I've landed on my feet." "Look." "This is Daddy's new bedroom." "Look at this." "This is where Daddy lives now." "This is the bed that Daddy sleeps on." "Hey, look." "Come over here." "See this view?" "This is gonna be your house, Jack." "We're building a waterslide at the moment." "From upstairs in your bedroom, it's gonna go down to the pool." "Down to the pool." "Look, Jack." "There's the pool." "Huh?" "See you soon." "I love you, sweetheart. [ Blows Kiss ]" "Thanks, man." "No problem." "Uh, look." "I don't know if, um" "He's not convinced that..." "this is the right business deal... for me to be doing." "I can't" " If Mickey saw this, he would have a bloody field day." "My mates in the pub would be like, "Gary, you bender."" " Sit there." " These are like sex chairs." "Oh, my God." "What are you doing?" "[ Laughing ] So if you just sit there for a moment." "Just lean on the table there, please." "Lean over the table?" "Lean on the table." " Oh." "Right." " Here we go." "Hold on." "I've gotta get in the frame of thing." "Action." "Well, I'm just taking a" " Are you gonna say "cheese" or anything like that?" "'Cause in all the movies, they're like, "Right." "Say cheese, everyone!" or" "I have a little ducky for you." "You're taking the piss out of me, aren't you?" "I hear it in your voice." "You're doing sarcastic at me." "Sarcastic would be, "I love taking pictures of you."" "[ Narrator ] Inspired by his publicist's words of encouragement," "Shirley has decided to give free psychic readings... to the wealthy guests of the Roosevelt Hotel." "Hello." "Hi." "I'm Michaela." "Pleased to meet you." "Nice to meet you." "Take a seat." "Okay." "All right." "Um, what I specialize in is numerology." "Okay." "I work with numbers." "Right." "Okay." "Have you got a wallet or anything like that?" "Or a purse?" "Yeah." "I should have something in here." "Okay." "I have my license." "Okay." "This is a Visa." "Money." "Okay." "This has got numbers on it, and that's all I need." "Right." "Okay." "Now, just look at me, in my eyes." "Mm-hmm." "Okay." "And I'm just 'onna put you in a very, very simple trance." "Okay." "And sleep." "Now I'd just like you to meditate for a second... while you're in that trance." "Just close your eyes and relax and just concentrate on that. [ Clears Throat ]" "Be one second." "Excuse me." "Could I clear my bill, please, on this?" "Could you just make a note of the numbers?" "[ Woman ] I'm confused." "Did you wanna clear your food bill for today?" "Everything." "I wanna clear everything out." "What's the" " Valid through 05/13." "Magic number's on the back." "Okay." "Right." "Okay." "And come out of your trance." "Okay, now, um" " That's very interesting." "What they're saying to me is, uh, there's good news coming your way." "They're saying you're gonna go to, uh, school-- college." "Mm-hmm." "Univers" " What are you doing, university?" "University." "University is what they're saying." " Not bad, is it?" " I'm from Philadelphia, New York." "That's what I thought." "I was gonna say Philadelphia" " Yeah." "New York." "I came out here to study for the summer." "You came here to study over the hot months." "But I'm contemplating, because I've been having a lot of mixed energy... whether I should go back" " Right." "Yes." "to finish." "Yes." "They're saying to me you've been contemplating, 'cause you've been having a lot of mixed energy whether you should go back and finish." "I do want to finish, but I was thinking about finishing here." "That's what they're saying to me." "They're saying to me you want to finish the last year, but here." "Yeah." "That's what they're saying?" "Yes." "Here?" " That's what they're saying." "Is that right?" "I wanna finish here." "Right." "I don't know if that's in the cards." "It's in the cards." "It's in the stars." "It's in everything." "Chico. [ Clicking Tongue ]" "Okay." "Can you escort this lady out, please?" "Just give me a second, Mr. Shirley." "Okay." "But I mean, numerology-- doesn't it have more with your birth date?" "Um" " I'm a nine, because in numerology, I'm 9/18/1988." "Yes." "There's a l of good numbers in that." "And if you put that into long division, so if you carry the four... and multiply that by three, that's your power animal number." "And, you know, if you subtract that from 12" "And then you've got what?" "Is it two?" "What?" "From what from 12?" "The, uh" " Long division and all that." "I was never good at maths, mate." "Uh-huh." "Eventually, you're gonna come out a bloody good number." "And that's what's great." "Chico, can you just" " Thank you very much." " Love and light." "God bless you." " Thank you." "Thank you." "And you connected with my spirit?" "It's all been done, yeah, and processed through." "Yes." "Okay." "Quick as you can, Chico." "[ Mouthing Words ]" "All right, thank you." "[ Mouthing Words ] Yes." "And thank whoever it is that's supporting you while you're doing your studying." "Thank you." "Okay." "Yeah." "Okay." "Is he really a visionary?" "Yeah, he is." "Are you sure?" "But I mean, he looked at my bank account card." " [ Cell Phone Rings ]" " Mickey?" "[ Laughing ] I'm still here." "Yeah." "With Lennon." "We've done a small photo shoot." "Yes, mate." "No, he's not." "He's got a wife." "Oh, Jesus." "Are you kidding me?" "[ Laughs ]" "He's going crazy here. [ Exhales ]" "All right." "Okay, mate, I've gotta go, 'cause we're doing serious stuff here." "We're doing photos." "[ Laughs ] Jesus Christ." "[ Laughs ] My God." "Hold on." "Go back one." "No." "No." "That's quite good." "Do you know anyone that can help me out?" "No." "Couldn't you put this in the right hands?" "Uh, no." "I'm sorry." "What, have I ever asked to bung your monkey?" "[ Exhales ]" "Well, you-- [ Belches ] Sorry, I" "Excuse me." "Par" " Really." "Seriously." "Get over there right now." "This is the most trying of my patience in my life." "Tomorrow you should take the Hollywood tour bus... and get a camera and take some pictures of your vacation and go back home." "Because I'm hopefully gonna save what's left of your mother's fortune... that you didn't piss away." "If my mum could be here now, she'd say, "Gary, you bloody made it." ""You just had your headshot done." ""You're on the first step to success, my boy, and you can do this." "And don't let those Americans hold you back." It's a pipe dream." "It's never gonna happen." "So we're done." "I don't want you here, and I don't want your mom here." "[ Lennon ] What a fuckin' loon."