"Previously on Studio 60" "I wanted to give you a non-romantic present." "It's signed by Darren Wells." "He wrote his phone number on here." "You gave me a used cocktail napkin ,basically." "I wasn't trying to make you jealous." "There he is." "Excuse me." "Matt, say hello to Martha O'Dell." "Nice to meet you." "Hi." "Martha wants to do a long lead cover for Vanity Fair." "You okay with that?" "Yeah, sure." "When do you want to start?" "I did, five minutes ago." "Oh, holy mother of God, am I eating it." "This would be a lot easier if you weren't staring at me." "Hmm?" "I said this would be easier if you weren't staring at me." " I'll bet it would." " Yeah." " You're drawing a blank?" " Yeah." " Isn't that the worst?" " Yeah." "What are you gonna do?" "What do you mean?" "To get going again." "Well, I'm going to ask you to stop talking." "Sure." "Didn't help, did it?" "Yeah, I really need you to be someplace else." "Total access, or there's no story." "I don't care if there's no story;" "I care if there's no show in 21 hours." "20 hours, 38 minutes." "What are you doing?" "Just checking the make." "For description?" "It's a 10,000-word piece." "They're not all going to be winners." "The numbers in the corners of the cards, they are the running times of each sketch, right?" "Yeah." "So you've got, what, uh... 57:30 plus 5:20 for "News 60,"" "plus 7:45 for Sting." "You've got an hour, ten minutes, 35 seconds." "Yeah." "Only 19 minutes, 25 seconds more to write." "There's a 3:30 commercial break." "So 15 minutes, 55 seconds." "What are you, Math Girl?" "It's addition and subtraction, Matt." "We're not doing a lot of advanced cryptography tonight." "You've covered presidential campaigns, you've covered presidents, you've covered wars." "What are you writing about a TV show for?" "What are you writing a TV show for?" "I'm not, I'm watching you dust my office for prints." "I'm writing about it because what's happened here is important." "I think what's happening here is important." "I think popular culture in general and this show in particular are important." "Excuse me." "Wardrobe wanted you to approve this." "Yeah, it's good." "Hang on." "That's supposed to be a lobster costume, right?" "Yeah." "Yeah, then it's fine." "Great." "Matt?" "Yeah." "You know, we don't know each other very well, but..." "You've spent every hour with me for five days in a row." "At this point, you know me better than my parents." "I don't know your parents at all." "I meant..." "I know what you meant-- I was doing a dangling modifier joke." "Yeah, I stopped doing that to people in high school after the fourth time I got stuffed in my locker." "I was going to say we don't know each other very well, but I am someone who can empathize." "When I've broken up with someone I really liked," "I've had a hard time writing my column for months." "I just lose interest in being interesting." "And I'm not even under an obligation like you to be funny." "Martha?" "Yeah." "You're not gonna suck me into a conversation about Harriet." "I bet I will." "Hundred bucks?" "Done." "Okay." "Matt?" "Yeah." "20 hours, 35 minutes until airtime." "Yeah." "That's cutting it a little close, isn't it?" "Yeah!" "So here's my question:" "Is the fear of failure on such a massive scale a helpful motivation?" "You really wouldn't rather be in Baghdad right now?" "No, but you know what I think I'm going to do?" "I'm going to spend some time with the cast." "Harriet." "She is a member of the cast." "I like talking to you guys late at night." "You get pretty dopey." "Knock yourself out." "The lobster sketch isn't funny yet." "Tell me something else I don't know, Woodward." "I... am... eating... it." "La "Studio Six-Team" :" "Boscof@n, Rom1_333, Titus Pullo, Dryosia, TheAma1, Macpantouf, Garyperso06, ny_stuf" "I'm sorry I'm late." "No problem." "Are you coming from work?" "I'm coming from a meeting;" "I'm going to work." "A meeting with who?" "I can't tell you." "Why not?" "'Cause the second "A"" "stands for "anonymous," boss." "That kind of meeting." "This late?" "Any hour of the day..." "How can I help you?" "You know, there's nothing wrong with chatting for a second." "We just did-- there was the baseball cap, then there was... something else." "Look..." "Maybe it was just the baseball cap." "I really haven't done enough to win your respect?" "Who said I don't respect you?" "Jordan, what do you need?" "Do you know Trevor Laughlin?" "I know him very well." "He's wrote a pilot script, and it's good." "It's called Nations." "Each season takes place during a session of the U.N." "It sounds like it should be unbearable, but it's not." "It's energetic, it's tense, it's emotional, it's..." "I swear to God, it's funny." "I've read it." "And?" "I agree with everything you said, but if I had said it," "I would have used more sophisticated adjectives." "Good for you." "HBO wants it." "I know that, too." "Will you help me persuade him to come to NBS?" "No." "No what?" "No, ma'am?" "Why?" "Wha..." "What can I bring you?" "What are you having?" "Uh, Lipton tea." "Chivas with ice, please." "Is that okay with you?" "What?" "Drinking in front of you." "We're in a bar." "You won't help me with Trevor Laughlin?" "No." "Why?" "He should be at HBO." "Why?" "HBO is better." "Help me with Trevor Laughlin." "This is a young playwright coming out of New York with a lot of promise." "I start steering these guys in the wrong direction, and you know what's going to happen?" "You lose your street cred?" "That's right." "You have street cred?" "I do." "Help me with this." "I don't think his show is quite right for your network." "W hy?" "It's good." "You're right, can't imagine why I think you don't respect me." "Your scotch is here." "Thank you." "Listen, you mind drinking alone?" "I should get back to the theater." "Matt should be melting down right about now." "No problem, Snoop Dogg." "All right, settle." "Mark it from the top." "We have the music, we have the chyron." "And, action." "Welcome back." "We continue to follow the horrifying Christie Lambert saga." "VTR," ""Day seven, Taken in the Night," "Christie Lambert."" "A young Bennington college senior Picture over the shoulder." "on a hard-earned break after six weeks of classes, goes to the island of Martinique with three of her friends." "Her cell phone goes missing, now believed stolen, physically removed from the Half Moon Bay Ramada, or possibly lost during Bacardi Jell-O shot hour at Cap'n Luther's Shrimp Shack." "We are joined now by Lieutenant Francois Latourel." "Good evening." "Good evening." "First, is there any new news to report?" "This is a missing cell phone, and your program has had me on every day." "I should really be out doing other things that really..." "Excuse me, sir." "Excuse me." "I happen to be a former prosecutor." "Yes, ma'am, I know that, so I would think that you of all people would want to see law enforcement able to do their job." "Where are you standing?" "Police headquarters, which, as you can see, has no door or roof." "Well stay right there," "Lieutenant, 'cause..." "Hold, please" "Simon's green screen is gonna have to be stage left, camera right." "We're not gonna have the lobster set struck in time." "Where can we put Jeannie?" "Tunnel 1." "Jeannie's dorm room set is Tunnel 1." "And go ahead." "Well, stay right there," "Lieutenant, 'cause we've got Christie live on our satellite feed from her dorm room at McCallister Hall in Bennington, Vermont." "Christie, are you hanging in there?" "Thank you, Nancy." "I've got a great support system." "Can I go?" "No." "Christie, take us back once again to the last time you saw your cell phone." "Well, I was partying, as I told you, on the beach with Jenn and Kiki." "Jennifer Sullivan and Kiki Campbell." "Jenn studying veterinary sciences;" "Kiki, dance major with a minor in French." "She's practically fluent." "Nancy..." "You'll get your turn, sir." "Then, we went up to our room to change." "Lieutenant, I'm assuming you've run all this information through your computer and cross-checked it with the FBI's central database." "Our computer is a Commodore 64." "It was a gift from a captain of a Princess Cruise in 1982." "Nancy, what are those names running quickly across the screen?" "As a former prosecutor," "I'm sensitive to the reality that Christie's phone isn't the only phone missing today." "That's why I run the names of black, poor, or ugly people who have also lost their phones and need the public to be aware." "Okay, this is really..." "Christie, you were meeting up with Michael," "I'm getting that right?" "Yes." "Michael Sonner, lacrosse player who spent the day parasailing." "Then what?" "We went over to Michael's room and went out on the balcony." "Balcony: suspended platform exterior to a room, frequently found in temperate or tropical climates." "So Michael had weed, like, news flash..." "Hold, please." "That's all I need." " We should start the sound check." " Wrap 'em." "We're going to play some 17th-century English folk songs out here." "The cast is wrapped for the night." "Staggered calls in the morning." "Check your call sheets." "Harriet?" "Hi." "You got a minute?" "Sure." "It's a little late." "Well, I'm gone for the next two weeks." "I'll be covering some of the House races." "Which ones?" "A couple where there are stories." "A couple where there are just good jokes." "I know the feeling." "The Nancy Grace sketch is funny." "Yeah, thank you." "Simon and Jeannie have got very special timing, and Matt knows how to get it in their strike zone." "I've spent most of the week with Matt, and I wanted to talk to you before I left." "This will be the first of many conversations, so we don't have to do everything now." "I know you want to get to sleep." "Well, everyone here is a big fan of yours, Martha." "Really?" "Yeah." "How would I be referred to in your parents' house?" "The devil's whore from Washington." "Yeah." "I'm actually the devil's whore from Bethesda." "Harriet?" "The News 60 run-down's being moved to 10:00, so they'd like to do the still photo shoot at 8:00." "Well, 8:00 in the morning's my best look so count me in." "Thank you." "You know, you want to talk to somebody, you should talk to her, talk to the P.A.s." "First ones here, last ones to leave, $350 a week." "I will." "And the interns." "I was thinking that Harriet's an unusual name." "Yeah?" "It's from another generation." "It's my middle name." "I'm Hannah Harriet Hayes." "My mother named me after Hannah in the Old Testament, who prayed to God that if He gave her a child, she would give the child back to God." "My mother had had six boys before she had me, so she was pretty psyched." "Why did you change it?" "There was already a Hannah Hayes in the union." "And you're Southern Baptist." "Martha, hasn't enough been written about my religion?" "As a matter of fact," "I've done a lot of searches and hardly anything has." "Sort of generic references are made to your being a Christian, but in a tabloid context." "Listen, you work in Washington and I work in Hollywood, but you'll have to take my word for it, in most other parts of the world, the fact that I believe in God wouldn't be noteworthy." "Yeah, but you do work in Hollywood." "I'm not the only one at my church on Sunday morning, and our church isn't the only church in town." "Yeah, but you're the only one who stars on a late-night sketch comedy show, whose staple is attacking the religious right." "That's an overstatement." "Mmm..." Crazy Christians,"" ""Science Schmience,"" "the weather with Pat Robertson." "I'm sorry, Pat Robertson has taken to predicting the weather and boasting of being able to leg-lift a Lincoln Navigator." "That's not attacking religion, that's attacking preposterousness." "Would you have a problem doing a sketch about pre-marital sex?" "I don't have a problem having pre-marital sex." "It might be the only sex I ever have." "And I just gave you your pull-quote, so can I go home?" "Two more minutes, okay?" "You're not gonna get me to talk about Matt." "Yeah, Matt already bet me a hundred dollars that I couldn't get him to talk about you." "I mean, I'll talk about his writing, or I'll talk about him as a boss, but..." "No, I just spent five days with him." "I wanted to talk about you." "Is there a way to do that where you don't make me sound like a narcissistic twit?" "Are there good actors and bad actors?" "Yes." "Good directors and bad directors?" "Yeah." "There are good reporters and bad reporters." "Which do you think I am?" "What would you like to know?" "Where were you born?" "Brighton, Michigan." "And you've got six older brothers." "Yeah." "What do your parents do?" "They're both dead." "My father worked in a paper processing plant, and my mother was a secretary in a doctor's office." "You were close with your mother?" "You don't need to write any of this down?" "No." "My father wasn't very religious and neither are my brothers, but my mother used to take me to church every Sunday." "What church?" "Antioch Baptist Church." "What could it possibly matter?" "I'm sorry..." "I'm tired." "Antioch Baptist Church." "The luck my mother never had winning her sons to Christ, she found with me." "I was memorizing whole passages of scripture by the time I was six." "Really." "I won a contest to see who could name all 66 books of the Bible." "Can you still do it?" "Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus," "Numbers, Deuteronomy, Joshua..." "How did you get into comedy?" "Nobody wanted to hire me as a ballerina." "Seriously." "I'm serious." "I've danced since I was four." "And sang?" "And sang." "So how'd you get into comedy?" "I liked Judy Holliday." "Really." "I watched Bells Are Ringing till I wore out the tape and then bought another one with my allowance." "Did your mother mind?" "She encouraged it." "She'd quote the Psalms" ""He who sits high in Heaven shall laugh."" "It was a small house with seven kids, a devout mother, and a far-from-devout father, who'd started to drink when he was laid off from the paper plant." "I was good at diffusing tension." "My mother put me in church plays, and one time, I just went up on a line and to cover," "I broke into a Judy Holliday impression." "There was stunned silence, until the minister burst out laughing." "And I looked... and I saw the pride on my mother's face, and I told her I was ready to accept Christ and I was baptized." "You became a Christian and a comedian at the same time." "Roughly." "I got an academic scholarship to study music at Rutgers, and I'd come into the city a lot and go to the comedy clubs." "Then I got another scholarship to get a masters in music at Kansas State, but I went to Chicago instead, and swept the floors at Second City." "Then I came to LA, started interning with The Groundlings." "I started getting some stage time, and one night, a guy came up to me and said," ""My name is Danny Tripp." "I'm a segment producer at Studio 60 and I think you should come in and audition for Wes Mendell."" "It was Danny who found you?" "Yeah." "Not Matt." "Hang on." "What's that?" "It's a lute." "A lute?" "The instrument." "They're doing Sting's soundcheck." "He's got a classical album coming out and he plays the lute." "Sting is in the building right now?" "He's onstage." "Sting is upstairs, playing a lute." "You wanna go watch?" "Harriet, you're interesting, but get out of my way." "Come again, sweet lovedoth now invite Thy graces that..." "No, I'm sorry." "And go ahead." "And..." "Action." "Come again, sweet lovedoth now invite" "Thy graces that refrain" "To do me due delight" "To see, to hear, to touch, to kiss, to die" "With thee again in sweetest sympathy" "To see, to hear, to touch, to kiss, to die" "With thee again in sweetest sympathy" "Alltheday, the sun that lends me shine..." "It's a beautiful instrument." "Sting or the lute?" "I'm gonna head on home." "One last thing." "Ah, Martha..." "And this'll be it." "Okay." "Matt wasn't a star around here until you showed up." "I checked around;" "I looked at old scripts." "He'd been here a couple of years, but he'd hardly gotten anything on the air." "There were people who were here then, who don't even remember who he was." "Well, Wes certainly knew who he was." "No, he didn't break out until you came on the show." "You came on the show, and, suddenly, he's getting everything on the air and most of it's for you." "As a result of which, you went from saying," ""May I take your order"" "in a restaurant sketch to being a star." "Obviously that can be a coincidence." "Was it?" "Martha..." "I'm not writing a love story;" "I'm just asking." "My mother got cancer when I was 15." "And I said, "Mom, how come you never say, 'Why me?" "'"" "And she said," ""I never asked God 'Why me?" "' when the good things happened, so I shouldn't ask now."" "You don't question why the good things happen." "Thank you." "Great." "Sting, thank you, sir." "Painless as always," "Calvin." "Thank you." "I'll tell you what though," "I'm getting a little tired of the lute players getting all the great women." "That's why I I took it up-- just to compete." "I'll see you tomorrow." "Get some sleep." "Let these fellas go home." "Hear that" " Sting just said let these guys go home." "I'll see you tomorrow." "Hannah." "It was a coincidence." "When you're as good as Matt, you don't stay a secret very long." "I just got here when it happened." "Okay." "All right?" "Great." "See you tomorrow." "How are you different from your mother?" "I hope in as few ways as possible." "You need anything?" "Pen, I need a pen." "It's called Search and Destroy." "We've been keeping the title under wraps for fairly obvious reasons." "The game is as follows:" "Five engaged couples, living together for 12 weeks in a mansion in South Beach." "While they're preparing to get married, we and the other couples are trying to break them up." "Sounds like Temptation Island?" "It's not." "Why?" "Because instead of breaking them up by dangling the possibility of inconsequential sex with an exotic partner, we break them up with the truth." "Thank you, love." "The show is based on the notion that no one's private life could withstand public scrutiny, and we'll see that hypothesis put to the test." "We'll use the best private investigators to dig up information on our couples that they haven't disclosed to one another." "Anything from infidelity to infertility, to an addiction, to Internet pornography." "If Sarah and Bob are a Catholic couple, we may find out that Sarah had an abortion when she was younger..." "In fact maybe the baby was Bob's." "But here's where I think the beauty lies." "Rather than filming each episode months in advance and signing the contestants to secrecy agreements, we'll be filming each episode in the week that it airs." "My post-production team can assemble, cut and mix a show in 24 hours." "The result?" "The media itself will be part of the game." "Rumor will work as well as truth." "The couple that survives until the end will receive a lavish wedding, the house in South Beach and one million dollars." "Search and Destroy." "That's our show." "I don't know, Martin." "One of these days, you're gonna come up with a good idea." "King of the genre, my client right here." "No argument from me." "24 hours to get the bid together, Jordan." " Thank you." " That's 6:00 p.m. today to 6:00 p.m. Saturday, not Monday, there's been some confusion." "24 hours." "Thank you all for coming in today; we appreciate it." "Martin, very nice meeting you." "Same here." "And chin up; you'll weather the storm." "Sure." " Hey." " Yeah?" " You know you could've..." " What?" "loved 'em up a little more." "Yeah?" "Seriously, they're walking to the elevator, saying they weren't feeling it." "I'll call Robbie and make it okay, but half your job description is being disarmingly seductive" " and I wasn't seeing a lot of it." " I'm not bidding on it." "They weren't pitching us." "We were pitching them, and when they sit down to make their decision, they're gonna factor in..." "What?" "I'm not bidding on it." "What are you talking about?" " I'm passing." " On what?" ""On what?" On Masterpiece Theatre." " You're not kidding?" " No." "Look, you may have a problem with the show," " I do." " but it's gonna be a hit." "It is, but for somebody else." "Jordan, I don't..." "What are you saying?" "Wow, I'm saying for the fifth time now, I'm saying I'm passing." "You, look, are letting a personal episode inform your judgment..." "I don't live my life in episodes." "on a business decision, whatever you want to call it, then." "The man and his shows do nothing but make money." "You're getting taken out for a walk by the tabloids, by your ex, by the Christian right." "I get it." "You don't get it." "If they want to fillet me, that's fine." "That's the cost of doing business." "I'm fine." "Really?" "Yes!" "When was the last time you slept four consecutive hours?" "This show..." "Is toxic." "It's bad crack in the schoolyard, and we're just three weeks removed from Wes Mendell taking 53 seconds and destroying an unparalleled legacy in television to tell us so." "We're honoring Wes's memory?" "That's what we're..." "A contest to see whose private lives can withstand public scrutiny?" "How interesting that couple must be." "(British accent): "But here's where I think the beauty lies." ""Now we all get to be unctuous, British gossip bitches." "Maybe it was Bob's baby."" "Well, I'm sorry, I'm big-footing you on this one." "We're making the bid, and we're making the bid we planned." "Then you've got a problem, Jack, 'cause you haven't read my contract." "I only get to greenlight up to $1.2 million on my own, but I can reject whatever I want, and only Wilson White can say otherwise." "Be in my office tonight at 9:00 to see Wilson White." "I can't." "There's a writer I'm trying to get from HBO, and I invited him to watch Studio 60 with me tonight in the box." "Then you have a problem, Jordan, 'cause you haven't read the sign on my door that says Chairman!" " Be in my office at 9:00." " Don't slam the... door." "Thanks." " Jenny, you got to have a baby." " You've got to have one now." "Well, sure, I'm hoping to one day." " Not one day." " Right now.This minute." "Guys..." " You can't imagine how fulfilling it is." " You can't!" "The fulfillment is beyond your comprehension." " I feel like a woman." " I finally feel like a woman." " I feel like a woman." " You can't." "It's impossible." " You think you feel like a woman." " But you don't." " You think you feel fulfilled." " But you're not." "What you need to do is freeze your eggs." " I'm sorry?" " You have a shelf life, Jenny." "You're getting older every second." "Right there, while I was talking, you got older." "Jenny's friendsare all new moms" "But Jenny doesn't have anyone" "They all say she's missing the fun 'Cause Jenny doesn't have" "A baby." "Hi." "Folks?" "Hi." "It's my turn to thank you very much for being a terrific rehearsal audience." "You deserve it." "Uh, we need to ask you to stay for just another two minutes and 20 seconds, 'cause, believe it or not, we rehearse saying good night, and we also rehearse the two-minute-and-20-second commercial break." "In the meantime, I can tell you what's happening right now." "Danny Tripp has just gone upstairs to Matt Albie's office, where the two of them will very quickly decide what makes it into the show tonight." "We call this the Friday night slaughter, 'cause, uh, this is where you find out if you have a chance to be the next Bill Murray, or the next Domino's Pizza delivery guy." "12:45 long." " Let's get Cal first." " Yeah, I'm here." " I got 12:45 heavy." " That's what it is." "I'd like to move "Nancy Grace" up." "I think it's the best we got tonight." "If you move Nancy Grace up, you have to move "Couple Counselor" down." "Why?" "Panels two and five" " I can't reposition the cameras in time." "We have got to rebuild this theater." "Well, we're on TV in an hour and five minutes, so I don't think now is the best time." " "Al Qaeda Culinary Institute"?" " Cut it." ""Tom Jeter's Metric Conversion."" "I don't think he was that attached to it anyway." " Where does that leave us with time?" " We still need another four minutes." " "Sign Language"?" " Yeah." "Then Jenny doesn't have a baby." " It was good." " No, it wasn't; it was almost good." "Good night, everybody!" "Tom." " Yeah?" " Can I talk to you a second?" "Yeah." "I did something really stupid." " What?" " I feel like an idiot." "Well, I spent most of the week in a lobster costume, so you're talking to the right guy." "Martha O'Dell wanted to talk to me, and the press office said it was okay." "She was asking me about some things, and I told her the story about how Matt went down to the Roxy" " to get one of the Bombshell Babies..." " Suzanne!" "to sign a boot to make Harriet jealous." " Why?" "!" " I thought it was a charming story." "I thought it made Matt look really sweet, but then as soon as it was done," "I realized I completely betrayed this guy who I worship." "You know, it wouldn't kill you to worship me." " Tom..." " Don't worry about;" "I'll take care of it." "How?" "Don't worry about it." "You should go eat." "Good show." "Hey, I'm gonna pitch cutting "Couples Counselor"" "and putting back "Jenny Doesn't Have a Baby,"" "and it's for this reason: if we keep cutting sketches that the host is in, we're gonna have a hard time getting hosts." "We're gonna have a hard time getting hosts if the show isn't funny." "It is funny-- she was making it work." "I don't want her to have to make it work." "I want it to work when it's handed to her." "Them." "The whole... the cast." "I want it to work when it's handed to them." "You know what we're gonna do tonight at the wrap party?" "Danny..." "We're gonna find you your rebound girl, an intermezzo, a cleansing of the palate." "We're not looking for a girl with a PhD in string theory or anything, okay?" "There'll be at least half a dozen women there have been on the cover of FHM." "That's what's for you right now." "Really." "Trust me." "Trust my face." "You are..." " Twice divorced." " And you have..." "No one in my life at the moment." " And you haven't for..." " Quite some time." "Okay." "We'll cut "Jenny."" "Cast and crew, one hour to air, one hour to air." "We really are gonna rebuild this theater." "'Kay, well, I'm gonna rewrite three sketches, then I'll grab my tool belt and get on that." "Thanks." "All right, here we go." "Got a barn." "Let's put on a show." "30 minutes till air." "No." "They teach you how to cheat?" "They teach you how to cheat, huh?" "Of course not..." "Come in." " Hi." " Hello." " Word's out you were looking for me." " Yes, thank you." "Come in, sit down." "Okay." "You talked to one of our PAs, Suzanne." "Yes." "Harriet suggested it." "Yes." "She's not used to giving interviews, and you're a very intimidating presence." "Uh-huh." "She told you that last week Matt went to the Roxy to see a friend of his who's one of the Bombshell Babies." "To get her to sign a stiletto boot for Harriet as retaliation for Harriet giving him a baseball bat with Darren Wells' phone number on it." "Yes." "She feels very bad about revealing that confidence, and while I'm not going to ask you not to write it," "I'm going to ask you a favor." "What?" "I just told you the story." "Right now." "Attribute it to me and not Suzanne." "That's very gentlemanly of you." "Well, I'm kind of the one who told him to do it, which by the way, he ended up not doing." " He didn't give her the boot." " He thought better of it." "Oh." " "Metric Conversion" was good." " Simon, you got a minute?" "For a rectal probe?" "Yeah." " Sure." " Hang on." "Excuse us just one second." "Okay." "I just want to bring you up to speed on something." "Suzanne told Martha about Matt and Harriet and Darren Wells and the Bombshell Babies." "Why the hell would she do that?" "Because she's young and inexperienced, and she didn't know any better-- so here's what I did." " What?" " I confirmed it." " Just 'cause you're stupid?" " Martha thought it was gentlemanly." " Matt's going to use a different word." " I'm taking the hit for Suzanne." "All right, how much does she know?" "I don't know." " Does she know about the "Star Spangled Banner"?" " I don't know." " Does she know about "The 700 Club"?" " I don't know." " Does she know about Jeannie?" " I really don't know." "Let me tell you something." "I am the only one in this whole organization that knows how to handle the press." "They know exactly what I want them to know, nothing more." "I operate like an international spy." "Okay, so I got a few minutes." "What do you want to know about, when I was in a gang?" "No, I want to know about the "Star Spangled Banner,"" ""The 700 Club" and Jeannie." "You're still mic'd, Mata Hari!" " Damn!" " Yeah." "Okay, so you broke us." "Yeah, it's not exactly cracking the Alger Hiss case with you guys, you know what I mean?" "What was in Beijing, sir?" "Please don't call me "sir."" "I'm sorry." "I wasn't in Beijing, I was in Macau, which is about 1,200 miles south and it's experienced 28% growth in two years." "There's an American consortium including TMG, Steve Wynn, MGM Grand." "We're investing $20 billion in Macau to turn it into the Las Vegas of Asia." "I started as an intern on The Danny Thomas Show." "And on Monday, I'm going to start to build a city in China." "Talk fast, I've been on a plane for 20 hours." "We're in a bidding war for an unscripted series from Martin Sykes, who's made a lot of money for every network but ours." "It will be a prohibitive hit, it will be impossible to counter-program." "Whoever gets it will own the night." "They'll have Boardwalk and Park Place." "It's a 24-hour window, and the meter's been running for three hours" "I want it, Sales wants it." "Jordan's exercising a clause in her contract which allows her to reject the program save for your intervention." " What's the problem?" " It's disgusting." " I need more than that." " It's patently disgusting." "It's appeal to the very worse in our nature and who ever airs would play a majorable role in subverting our national culture." "It doesn't belong on anyone's air, but certainly not ours at a time when we're trying to rerun the network as a place for high-end viewers." "I swear to God, sir, the better our shows are, the more money we're going to make." "I just told you not to call me "sir."" "If you want her to cook the meal, you've got to let her shop for the groceries." "Anything else?" "No." "Tell your kids to learn Mandarin." "Who said that?" "Who said what?" ""If you want me to cook the meal, you've got to let me shop for the groceries."" " Bill Parcells." " Who's that?" "A football coach who hasn't won a playoff game in nine years." "And we're back." "I'm Nicolas Cage, your couples counselor, and I'm here with Mindy and Jack." "Jack, before the commercial we were talking about...?" "I was just saying that I feel that Mindy could be a little closer to my stepbrother, Phil." "Don't worry." "If I'm right about Mindy, she'll get a lot closer to your stepbrother Phil." "You'll come home and find your stepbrother Phil in the shower wearing your favorite felt hat!" "I'm not perfect either." " Heroin?" " No!" "What is it, then?" "Sometimes I leave used floss lying on the bathroom counter." "It's not a big deal." "Jack, let me draw you a straight line between her floss on the edge of the sink and her used, bloody syringes all over hand-stitched Australasian yoga mats!" "I don't do yoga..." ""A study out of the University of Washington found that men who are good dancers attract more women than men who can't dance." "The full report can be read in the current issue of Gay Husband Monthly."" "The Washington Post reports that the Army is launching a military theme park in Virginia with high-tech simulator rides." "The project is expected to cost $900 million, and none of the rides will ever end." Simon?" "Harry, listen." "Something's happened." "What?" "You know your, I guess..." "what do you call it, your personal life?" "Yeah." "Well..." "What did you idiots tell Martha O'Dell?" "For what it's worth, it started off as a gentlemanly act." "MINDY:" "I have never used drugs in my entire life." "CAGE:" "Oh, you say that now, but what are you gonna do when he comes home from a Rolling Stone cover shoot or whatever it is he does..." "I-I-I sell windows!" "and you've gone through half a tube of industrial sealant, can't get your head out of the bag and he's wishing you'd burn in unholy hell?" "!" "Well..." "And that's all the time we have this week on Nicolas Cage, Couples Counselor." "Tune in next week, when our theme will be "Losing the Passion:" "It's Not You, It's Her."" "Yes, sir." "I've got us right on the money." "That's where we are." "Hey, I'm lookin' up at the box, and I don't see McDeere." "You think she fell outta love with us?" "It happens, you know, people change." "Hey, give her a break tonight if you see her." "I've got people telling me Les Moonves got the new Martin Sykes show." " She lost the bid?" " She didn't make a bid." " What do you mean?" " She passed." "Really?" "Jack Rudolph's wandering the streets so no one in LA's safe tonight." "Okay." "Two minutes back." "Matt?" "I'm off to catch the red-eye." "I'll see you in a couple of weeks." "You have a good flight." " Is that the bat?" " What bat?" "I'll say this about you guys." "You look out for each other." "You're not very good at doing it, but it's nice to see the effort." "Even Harriet, you know?" "When I mentioned your pathological dislike of the religious right, she jumped to your defense." "You broke up with her 'cause she went on The 700 Club to promote her album?" "What are you writing about, Martha?" "I don't know yet." "I know that half this country hates the other half, and I know that for 90 minutes a week, you and Harriet come together." "You were here for two years before anybody knew your name." "Harriet got here, and you both broke at the same time." " I wasn't a hack." " I didn't say you were." "I had a one-act at the Humana Festival in Louisville and another at E.S.T." "That's the Ensemble Studio Theatre in New York." " Those are two important stages." " I know them both." "What's this for?" "A hundred dollars." "I was... trying to impress Harriet." "That's how I broke." "No kidding." "Sadly, I can't cash this for ethical reasons, but I will pin it to my bulletin board along with the others." "I'll see you in a couple of weeks." "Ten minutes till we're back, everyone." "Ten minutes till we're back." "Trevor!" "Hi." "I'm so sorry to make you wait." "I hope they told you it was..." "Sure, yeah." "Thanks." "Are they doing good tonight?" "I think it's their best show yet." "Good." "I want Nations on NBS, Trevor." "It means a lot to me that you like the script." "But the bottom line is that I don't think my show will find an audience on your network." "I think HBO is where people expect to find more literate programming." "Yeah, I can't remember... which Jane Austen novel was Taxicab Confessions adapted from?" " Sure, I meant..." " And as far as finding an audience, that's my job." "You wrote an off-Broadway play about Pericles when he was mayor of Athens." "Yeah." "Pericles said, "All things good should flow into the boulevard."" "Your show is good, Trevor, and it should be on American broadcast television for free and seen by as many people as possible." "There's nothing wrong with the medium, just some of the content and there's only one way to change that." "Excuse me." "Danny." "How are your folks?" "Uh, good." "Aren't you producing a show right now?" " Yes, aren't you?" " Yeah, but come here." "Let me talk to you for a second." "Great." "Thanks." "Okay, you got it." " Got what?" " The show." "I'd be happy to do it at NBS." "Why?" "He just told me to." "What was that for?" "Passing on Martin Sykes." "I do a whole speech about Pericles of Athens;" "you come in and say "Do it" and he does it?" "Street cred." "Stand by, we're back in five, four, three, two..." "Ladies and gentlemen, once again, Sting." "And you'll remember me" "When the west wind moves" "Upon the fields of barley" "And you'll forget the sun" "In his jealous sky" "When we walkin fields of gold" "And so she took her love" "For to gaze awhile" "Upon the fields of barley" "In his arms she fell" "As her hair came down" "Among the fields of gold" "Will you stay with me?" "Will you be my love" "Among the fields of barley...?" "How do you even find a lute teacher?" "In his jealous sky" "Wow." "It's for "Society Gal Car Wash."" "I know." "I see the west wind move like a lover so" "Upon the fields of barley" "I didn't think he was gonna do this one." "I asked him to." "What's it like telling a rock legend what to sing and having him sing it?" "I don't tell him, I ask him." "I like this song." "And there have been some that I've broken" "It reminds me of something." "We'll walk in fields of gold..." "You know Martha O'Dell's got our number, right?" "Ah, Harry, I don't even have our number." "Darren Wells is meeting me at the wrap party." "Well..." "Danny's determined to fix me up with a model from Cars and Chicks Quarterly or something." "Many years have passed" "Since those summer days" "Among the fields of barley" "See the children run" "As the sun goes down" "Among the fields of gold" "And you'll remember me..." "You knock my socks off." "When the west wind moves" "Upon the fields of barley" "You can tell the sun" "In his jealous sky" "When we walkedin fields of gold" "When we walkedin fields of gold" "When we walked in fields..."