"So, what happened?" "Did a forest tick you off?" "No." "You know how we're always saying we need a place for the mail." "Yeah?" "I started building one." "But then I decided to take it to the next step." "You're building a post office?" "No, an entertainment unit with a built-in mail cubby." " It's a one-day job, max." " Okay." "My word, those are snug!" "Yeah." "These are my old work pants." "Sergio Valente." "Power saw kind of got away from me there." "The one with Frank Jr." "Hey, Pheebs." "Any sign of your brother?" "No, but he's always late." " I thought you only met him once." " I did." "I think it sounds big sister-y, "Frank's always late."" "Well, relax." "He'll be here." "I know." "I'm just nervous." "It's just, Mom's dead, don't talk to my sister Grandma's been sleeping a lot lately." "It's just the last-desperate- chance-to-have-a-family kind of thing." "You're sweet to wait with me." "Actually, Gunther sent me." "You're not allowed to have cups out here." "Does anyone else think David copperfield's cute?" "No." "But he told me he thinks you're a fox." "All right." "Janice likes him." "In fact, she likes him so much, she put him on her freebie list." "Her what?" "We have a deal where we each get to pick five celebrities we could sleep with and the other one can't get mad." "The heart of every healthy relationship:" "Honesty, respect and sex with celebrities." "So who's on your list?" "Kim Basinger cindy crawford, Halle Berry Yasmine Bleeth and Jessica Rabbit." "You do realize that she is a cartoon and way out of your league?" "I know." "I always wondered if I could get her eyes to pop out of her head." "This is such a great thing." "Annie Esposito would never have dumped me had we had a list like this." "And also, of course, if her sister was famous." "Who would yours be?" "First, I need a boyfriend." "Then I can have a list." "It's just a game, Mon." "Rach, how about you?" "I don't know." "I guess chris o'Donnell, John F. Kennedy Jr Daniel Day-Lewis, Sting and Parker Stevenson." "Spider-Man?" "Hardy Boy." " Peter Parker." " Thank you." "What about you, honey?" "Who'd be on your list?" "That kind of thing requires some serious thought." "First, I'd divide my prospective candidates into categories." "What a geek!" "Everybody, this is Frank!" "My half brother, Frank!" "This is everybody." " This is Ross." " How are you?" " Chandler." " Hi." " Joey." " Hey." "This is Monica." "And this is Rachel." "I'm gonna get coffee for us." "Hey, how do you guys get anything done?" "We don't, really." "So now, do you guys have big plans?" "Yeah." "We're gonna connect and bond and everything." "I thought we could go down to Times Square and pick up some ninja stars." "My friend Larry, he wants me to take a picture of a hooker." "We really don't take advantage of living in the city." "Sorry." "Did I get you?" "No, you didn't get me!" "It's an electric drill!" "You get me, you kill me!" "Calm down!" "Do you want this unit or not?" "I do not want this unit!" "You should've told me before." "I'm not a mind reader." "And we're out of beer." "I'm going to Monica's." "Fine!" "Where you heading in those pants?" "1982?" "Monica, listen I saw down at the hardware store, they got those designer tiles on sale if you wanna redo your bathroom floor." "What's wrong with my bathroom floor?" "Nothing." "It's just old and dingy, that's all." " I highly doubt that." " Oh, yeah?" "If you move your hamper you can see the color the tile used to be." "I can't live like this!" "What are we gonna do?" "Relax." "Here, hold this." "This old stuff comes right up." "I'll show you." "A little more than I wanted to see." "Look at that!" "Every inch of this is glued down." "It'd take forever to pry this up." "You should just leave it." "I can't leave it!" "You gouged a hole in my dingy floor!" "There." "There you go." "Yeah, that's nice." "We can put it back there after the surgeons remove it from your colon." "Give me a new floor!" "I can't." "Chandler will kill me if I don't finish the unit." " I'll pay you double what he's paying you." " He's not paying me anything." "Triple." "What?" "I know what I wanted to ask you." "Can you roll your tongue?" "Because I can and my mom couldn't." "And I figured that was something I got from our dad." "Well, wait, you mean like this?" "Yeah, you can do it too." "Yeah." "You're not doing it." "Oh, right." "Okay." "Yeah, my mom could and I can't." "We don't have that." " When's your birthday?" " February 16." "I know a guy who's the 18th." "That's close." " When's yours?" " October 25." "That's the same month as Halloween." "So, what kind of things do you like to do at home?" "Melt stuff." " Okay, I've got three of my five." " Three of your five what?" "Celebrities I'm allowed to sleep with." "God, you're giving this a lot of thought." "Hey, it's hard, okay?" "I only have two spots left." "All right." "Who you got it narrowed down to?" " Elizabeth Hurley." " Very attractive." "Forgiving." "Susan Sarandon." "You know what?" "She's too political." "She probably wouldn't let you do it unless you donated four cans of food first." " And Isabella Rossellini." " Very hot." "Very sexy." "But she's too international." "She's never gonna be around." " So?" " So you gotta play the odds." "Pick somebody who's gonna be in the country all the time." "Yeah." "Because that's why you won't get Isabella Rossellini." "Geography." "Okay." "So by "melting" you meant melting." " So is it, like, art?" " Yeah, you can melt art." "Hey, can I use your phone?" " Sure." "You want to call your mom?" " No, I want to melt it." "Just the numbers." "It will still work." "Well, not right now." "I'm gonna go to bed." "The fumes are giving me a headache." "So..." "Good night, bro." "Good night." "Here." "Just in case." "Oh, excellent!" " What kind of karate is that?" " No kind." "He just makes it up." " How's it going with you guys?" " So far it kind of blows." "I don't know, I just thought he'd feel more like a brother." "Like you and Ross." "Close and connected and..." "Honey, we're close now." "You wouldn't believe the years of noogies and wedgies and flying wedgies and atomic wedgies and..." "That's when the waistband goes over your head." "We drove each other crazy playing the shadow game." " How do you play the shadow game?" " How do you play the shadow game?" " I just asked you." " I just asked you." "I don't have time for this." "That is what the game is." "You just gave up really quickly." " You seen Joey?" " What's the matter?" "Just this!" "It's my fault, really, because the couch is where we keep the varnish." "Somebody wanna hand me one of those tiles?" " What's going on?" " He's retiling my floor." "Spackle boy!" "Get up!" " You started this, you will finish it!" " He started mine first!" "Build the unit, Cinderellie Lay the tile, Cinderellie" " He was helping me first." " No, I need a bathroom." "I'm a girl!" "You guys figure it out." "I'm taking a break." " That's good." " Take a break?" "Yeah." "I think even God rested on the seventh day." "Joey, if this takes seven days you'll be able to meet God and ask him about it yourself." "Big octopus." "Oh, my God!" "I totally forgot." "Well, can't someone else do it?" "But I have company." "Look, that's all right." "I'll come in." "Okay." "I'm sorry, but I have to go into work." "It's one of my regulars." "He's insisting that I do him, so..." "Hey, what kind of work do you do?" "I'm a masseuse." "I give people massages and stuff." "You work at one of those massage parlors?" "Well, you know, we don't call it that." "But, yeah." "That's wild." " No, I had no idea." " Alrighty." "I'll be back in a little bit." "Unless you want to come with me." "You mean, like, watch?" "No." "No, you can get one yourself." "It'll be on the house." "What are big sisters for?" "Well, I don't think this." "You know?" "No." "No, no." "I wouldn't do you myself." "I mean, that would be weird." "I'll get one of the other girls to do it." "This is so much fun!" " Are you excited?" " Yeah." "Hey, do Monica and Rachel work there?" "It's beautiful!" "It's like the first bathroom floor there ever was." "What are you going in there for?" "You want, like, a number?" " Hey." " Hi." "Bye." "Okay." "I'm done with my choices." "These are final." " Well, it's about time." " Yeah." "Very official." "Yeah." "Well, you know, chandler printed it up on his computer." "And who laminated it?" "That was me." "All right, let me see." ""Uma Thurman, winona Ryder, Elizabeth Hurley Michelle Pfeiffer Dorothy Hamill"?" "Hey, it's my list!" "You do realize she only spins like that on ice?" " What's going on?" " She broke my arm!" " He touched my fanny." " She touched mine first!" "That's my job!" "So, what's the deal?" "I can have sex with you, but I can't touch you?" " You can't have sex with her!" " Did you think I was a hooker?" "No, okay." "I know." "You're a masseuse." "It's cool." "I'm not a cop!" "Ask Mr. Wiffler if he can wait for five minutes." "Fine." "I don't like you." "So that's what you thought I did?" "God!" "That's not what I do!" "Wait, that's not what you do?" "No!" "Why would you think that?" "I don't know." "This is the city, you know?" "I just..." "I mean I don't know." "Whatever." "It's the perfect end to the perfect weekend anyway." "Wait." "No, you're right." "No, it was perfect." "I can't believe I screwed it up so bad." " You thought it was perfect?" " Well, no, maybe it wasn't perfect but you know, it was pretty cool, you know?" "Because we had all those great talks, you know?" "Which ones in particular were great for you?" "Well, you know, about the tongue thing, you know?" "And how I told you about my likes and my dislikes." "How I like to melt stuff, and how I dislike stuff that doesn't melt." "Right." "Okay." "I feel like I can really talk to you because you're my sister, you know?" "Yeah." "I guess I do." "And then I go feel your friend up and make you mad at me." "Well, I wasn't hopping mad, you know?" "You hopped a little bit." "Yeah, I'm really sorry." "You know, I'm really... okay." "Well, this is my favorite part of the weekend." "Right now." "This." "This?" "Oh, come on." "We went to Times Square." "We found ninja stars." "I almost get my arm broken by a hooker..." "She's not a hooker." "When I tell my friends about her, she will be." "Phoebe, what's that?" "Frank Jr." "Gave me this before he left." "A present." "It used to belong to our dad." "His garage-door opener." "Until Frank melted it." "Cool!" "Sound the bell, gather up all the men you can find." "We got ourselves an entertainment unit raising." "No, seriously, can you help us?" "Okay, on three!" " One, two..." " why don't we just go on two?" " Why two?" " Because it's faster." "I could've counted to three four times without all the two talk." " All right, but in the future..." " Heavy thing!" "Not getting lighter!" " One, two..." " So we are going with two?" "A good job, Joe." "Wow." "It's big." "So big it actually makes our doors look smaller." " Maybe my ruler's wrong." " Maybe all the rulers are wrong." "It's not that bad." "So it blocks a little of your door, a little of mine." "I got a better idea." "How about it blocks none of my door and a lot of your door?" "Listen, before I forget, that side is still wet." "Arm hair stuck!" "Arm hair stuck!" "Let me just see if I've got this right." "So this is a half-caf, double-tall, easy hazelnut nonfat, no foam, with whip, extra-hot latte, right?" "Okay." "Great." "You freak." "Thank you." "A coffee to go, please." " Isabella Rossellini!" " Are you serious?" "Oh, my God!" "Damn!" "I cannot believe I took her off my list." "Why?" "Because otherwise you'd go for it?" "Yeah, maybe." "You lie." "You don't think I'd go up to her?" "It took you 10 years to finally admit you liked me." "Yeah?" "Well, missy, you better be glad that list is laminated." "You know what, honey?" "You go ahead." "We'll call her an alternate." " Okay." "Hold my cruller." " Okay." "Are you really gonna let him do this?" "He's about to go hit on Isabella Rossellini." "I'm just sorry we don't got popcorn." "I'm Ross." "You don't know me, but I'm a big, big fan of yours." "I mean Blue velvet." "I was wondering if I could maybe buy you a cup of coffee." "Or reimburse you for that one." "Aren't you with that girl over there?" "Well, yeah, kind of." "But that's okay." "We have an understanding." "We each have this list of five famous people, and you were one of mine." "So I'm allowed to sleep with you." "No, no, no." "It's flattering." " I don't know..." " wait." "Wait, Isabella." "Don't dismiss this so fast." "This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity." "Yeah, for you." " Is that the list?" " Yes." " Can I see it?" " No." " Come on." " But... okay." "I'm not on the list!" "But that's not the final draft." "It's laminated." "Okay, see, you were on my list." "But then my friend chandler brought up the very good point that you are international." "So I bumped you for winona Ryder." "Local." "You know, it's ironic because I have a list of five goofy coffeehouse guys." "And yesterday, I just bumped you for that guy over there." "We're just gonna be friends." "You know what?" "Bet you I could fit in there." "I got 5 bucks says you can't." "Get out your checkbook, mister." "I think I have the cash." "You are dog, man!" "I totally fit!" "Yeah." "You got me." "I'm out 5 big ones." "There you go." "Thank you." "Well, hello, Mr. Lincoln!" "Better luck next time, buddy!" "And the drinks are on me!" "[ENGLISH]" "Janice has a question." "Who of the six of you has slept with who of the six of you?" "Wow, it's like a dirty math problem." "I'm sorry, the answer there would be none of us." "Yeah." "You know what?" "If that doesn't change soon I'm going to dump you for somebody who puts out." "Come on." "Over the years, none of you ever got, you know, drunk and stupid?" "Well, that's really a different question." "I find it hard to believe that a group of people who spends as much time together as you guys do has never bumped uglies." "Well, there was that one time that Monica and Rachel got together." " What?" " What?" "Excuse me, there was no time." "Okay, but let's say there was." "How might that go?" "Okay." "Okay." "Well, then answer me this:" "Have any of you ever almost...?" " Anybody need more coffee?" " Hey, there's a dog out there!" "The one with the Flashback" " That is so unfortunate." " What?" "Cute Naked Guy's really starting to put on weight." "I'll be back in just a minute." "Oh, Phoebe, I'm sorry that I left lipstick marks on the phone." "You didn't leave lipstick marks on the phone." "Then it must have been you." "Bye." "Bye-bye." " That's why I moved out." " Hey, while we're on that when are you gonna tell my sister you don't live here anymore?" "I think on some level, she already knows." "She doesn't know that you sneak out every night." "She doesn't know that you sneak back and she doesn't know you've been at your grandmother's for a week." "Okay, well, maybe not on those levels." "You have got to tell her." "The longer you wait, the harder it is going to be on her." "You're right." "You're right." "Anyway, listen, tonight's bag is really bulky." "So could you sneak stuff out for me?" "It's just like a clock radio and some cemetery dirt." " Hey." " Hey." "I'm never gonna find a roommate." "Ever." "Nobody good?" "Well, let's see." "There was the guy with the ferrets." "That's plural." "The spitter." "And the guy who enjoyed my name so much he felt the need to make a noise every time he said it." ""Nice to meet you, chandler Bing." "Bing!"" ""Great apartment, chandler Bing." "Bing!"" " How many more do you have tomorrow?" " Two." "This photographer who seemed really dull and this actor guy who I'm not sure about because when I answered the phone "chandler Bing" he said, "whoa!" "Short message!"" "Foot on the floor or come over no more." "Sure, your dresser is missing, but this she notices." " What?" " I have to go." "Carol should be home by now, so..." " How's it going with you guys?" " Better, actually." "I think I finally figured out why we were having so much trouble lately." " Oh, really?" " Yeah." "You know how I have you guys?" "She doesn't have any close friends that are just hers." "But last week, she met this woman at the gym, Susan something." "And they really hit it off, and I think it's gonna make a difference." "So, Eric what kind of photography do you do?" "Oh, mostly fashion." "So there may be models here sometimes." "I hope that's cool." "Yes, that is cool." "Because I have models here, you know never." "What else?" "During the summer I spend most weekends at my sister's beach house which you are welcome to use." "Although I should probably tell you, she's a porn star." "Well, listen, I still have one more person to meet but unless it turns out to be your sister I think your chances are pretty good." "All right." "Bedroom, bathroom, living room." "This right here is the kitchen, and thanks for coming by." "Bye-bye." "Don't you wanna ask me any questions?" "Sure." "What's up?" "Well, I'm an actor." "I'm fairly neat." "I got my own TV." "Oh, and don't worry, I'm totally okay with the gay thing." "What gay thing?" "Just, you know, in general." "The whole people being gay thing." "Totally cool with that." "Okay, Jerry." "Thanks for stopping by." " Hi." " Hey." "Oh, my God!" "Hey, Mon." " Wanna hear something that sucks?" " Do I ever!" " Chris says they're closing down the bar." " No way!" "Apparently, they're turning it into a coffee place." "Just coffee?" " Where are we gonna hang out now?" " You got me." " Can I get a beer, please?" " Hey, did you pick a roommate?" " You betcha." " Is it the Italian guy?" "Yeah, right." "He's so cute." "That's what I want." "A roommate I can walk around with and be referred to as the funny one." "Pool table's free." "Rack them up." "Back in a minute." "Get ready for me to whip your butt." "Okay, but after that, we're shooting some pool." "No, no, no, no." "Excuse me?" "Hello?" "Hi." "My friend ordered an onion not an olive." "And I ordered a rum and Diet coke which I don't think this is." " I am so sorry." " That's all right." "I mean, how hard is it to get a couple drinks right, huh?" "I would like to propose a toast to the woman who, in one year from today, will become Mrs. Dr. Barry Barber, D.D.S." "I think it's time to see the ring again." "Isn't it exciting?" "I mean, it's like having a boyfriend for life." "Yeah." "I know." "What?" "Oh, I don't know." "Well, maybe it's just the idea of Barry for the rest of my life." "I don't know, I think I..." "I feel like I need to have one last fling you know, just to sort of get it out of my system." " Rachel, stop!" " You're so bad!" "I'm serious." "I really think I need to just have some meaningless sex, you know?" "With the next guy I see." "Excuse me, I seem to have dropped my ball." "Yeah, so?" "And now I've picked it up again." "My God!" "I went to high school with her." "Rachel!" "Hi!" "Monica!" "Is she giving me the finger?" "Monica!" "Look!" "Hi!" "What do you think?" "Oh, my God!" "You can't even see where the Titanic hit it." "Yes, his name is Barry." "He's a doctor, thank you very much." "Just like you always wanted." "Congratulations." "Thank you." "So how about you?" "Are you seeing anybody?" "Not right now." "Oh, well, that's okay." "I know." "So I think I'll get back to my friend." "Oh, yeah." "Sure, sure, sure." "Listen, can we please have lunch the next time I'm in the city?" "That'd be great." " Okay." " Thanks." " Bye." " Bye." "Ten bucks says I never see that woman again in my life." "No, honey, really." "It's fine." "Just..." "Go with Susan." "Really, I think..." "I think girls' night out is a great idea." "Okay." "Okay." "Bye." " So, what are they doing?" " I don't know." "Something girly." "Hey, you're early." "What are you doing with the lamp?" "I'm just taking it to get rewired." "Don't take it to the place you took the stereo." "They've had that for over a week." "No!" "Mr. Heckles, no one is making any noise up here." "You're disturbing my oboe practice." " You don't play the oboe." " I could play the oboe." "Then I'm gonna have to ask you to keep it down." "Who are you?" "I'm Eric, I'm gonna be chandler's new roommate." "I'm chandler's new roommate." " I don't think so." " I could be chandler's new roommate." " But he told me over the phone..." " He told me in person." "That's weird." "Well, I'm going to go into my new apartment now." "Hi, again." "Hey." "Hey." "Thank you so much." "No, no, no." "Don't thank me." "Thank the jerk that didn't show up." "Okay, I gotta get to work." "And not just for the money." "But because every now and then someone walks out of the bathroom with a little bit of toilet paper on their shoe." " You need some help with that?" " No, thanks." "I got it." "No." "No, I don't!" "Okay?" "Stood up too fast." "Got a little head rush." "It's the heat." "And the humidity." "That's a..." "That's a tough combination." "Do you want to come in for some lemonade?" "Like you wouldn't believe." "This is a great place." "Thank you." "Just make yourself comfortable." "Gotcha." "So this place is really my grandmother's." "I got it from her when she moved to Florida." "Otherwise I could never afford a place like this." "So if the landlord ever asks I'm an 87-year-old woman who's afraid of her vcr." "You thirsty?" "You bet I am!" "Okay here's your penis!" "Oh, my God!" "What the hell are you doing?" "You said, "You wanna come in for some lemonade?"" "So?" "Were you just gonna give me lemonade?" "Cover yourself up!" "Oh, right." "Sorry." "God, I don't believe this!" "Someone asks you in for lemonade and to you that means they want to have sex?" "Usually, yeah." "Well, not just lemonade." "Iced tea, sometimes juice." "Look, sorry." "I just..." "I thought you liked me." "I'm such a jerk." "It's okay." "I suppose it could happen to anyone." "Not anyone I know, but..." "By the way, I can still see it." " Pheebs?" " Huh?" "Where's your bed?" "It's not in the apartment?" "Oh, no." "I can't believe this is happening again." " What?" " Okay, enough with the third degree!" "I don't live here anymore." " What are you talking about?" " I'm sorry." "I don't live here anymore." "I didn't know how to tell you." "But, you know, everybody else knows." "Everybody knows?" "That was supposed to be a good thing." "I forget why." "I don't understand." "I thought we were doing better lately." "Yeah, 'cause I moved out." "Monica, I..." "Do you know, okay, I couldn't sleep for, like, a month because I got a dot of ink on one of the sofa cushions?" "Well, you could've just turned the cushion over." "I would have, except I had a spaghetti stain on the other side." "What?" "Okay." "This is what I'm talking about." "I need to live in a land where people can spill!" "Well, you can spill." "In the sink." "Oh, honey." "It's not your fault, you know." "This is who you are." "And I love you." "And I want us to be friends." "And if I keep living here, I don't see that happening." " I love you too." " Oh, good." "What?" "What?" "I'm just sad." "No, you're not." "You're wondering which cushion it is." "Well, why can't I think of both?" "I mean, I can think two things." "Go ahead." "Look." "You know you want to." "Go." "Oh, my God!" " So, what are you watching?" " Baywatch." "What's it about?" "Lifeguards." "Well, it sounds kind of stup... who's she?" "Nicole Eggert." "We like her." "Wow!" "Look at them run!" "They do that a lot." "Hey, you want a beer?" " Yeah, I'll go get one." " Don't get up." "I got a cooler right here." " Hello!" " Hey." "Do you have any beers?" "We're out of beers." "Help yourself." "You okay?" "Phoebe moved out." "Right." "I don't understand." "Am I so hard to live with?" "Is this why I don't have a boyfriend?" "No!" "You don't have a boyfriend because..." "I don't know why you don't have a boyfriend." "You should have a boyfriend." "Well, I think so." "Come here." "Come here." "Listen, you are one of my favorite people and the most beautiful woman I've ever known in real life." "Hi." "Where is everybody?" "Oh, it's already closed." "Chris gave me the keys to lock up." "What is wrong?" "I think my marriage is kind of over." "Oh, no!" "Why?" "Because carol's a lesbian." "And..." "And I'm not one." "And apparently it's not a mix-and-match situation." "Oh, my God!" "I don't believe it!" "Oh, you poor bunny." "I'm an idiot." "I mean, I should have seen it." "I mean, carol and I would be out, and she'd see some beautiful woman and she'd be, "Ross!" "Look at her!"" "And I'd think, "God, my wife is cool."" "Hey, do you think that Susan person is her lover?" "Well, now I do!" "I'm sorry." "Seven years!" "I mean, we've been together seven years." "She's the only woman who's ever loved me." "She's the only woman I've ever... oh, Ross." "This is nice." "I know." "It is, isn't it?" "No, I mean it." "This feels really good." "Is it a hundred percent cotton?" "Yeah." "And I got it on sale too." "I mean, it looks nubby, but..." "But it's not." "Anyway, I should go." "One of the lifeguards was just about to dismantle a nuclear device." "If you want to get a drink later, we can." "That sounds great." " Oh, and listen, it's gonna be..." " I know." "Thanks." "Maybe this wouldn't have happened if I'd been more nurturing or I'd paid more attention or I had a uterus." " I can't believe it." " I know." "You know, you don't deserve this." "You don't, Ross." "You're really..." " You're so good." " Thanks." "And you're so sweet." " Thanks." " And you're kind." "Thanks." "Come here." "Wait, wait, wait." "Okay." "It's okay." "Wait, wait, wait!" "My foot is stuck in the pocket." "What?" " What?" " I can't get it out." "That's not something a girl wants to hear." "Come on, don't start." " What?" " Stupid balls are in the way." "Oh, well." "That probably wouldn't have been the most constructive solution." "You have chalk on your face." "Oh, Ross, you're right." "I don't know why I always thought this was real grass." "Honey, you okay?" "My wife's a lesbian." "Cool!" "Ross, Joey." "Joey, Ross." " Hey." " How's it going?" "I can't believe you came back." "Don't say anything." "I don't wanna speak." "I don't wanna think." "I just want you to take me and kiss me and make love to me right here right now." "Rachel." "Rachel!" " What?" " You missed the exit." " Oh." "Sorry." " My God, what were you thinking about?" "Barry." "[ENGLISH]" "So I told carl, nobody, no matter how famous their parents are is allowed to climb on the dinosaur." "But, of course, it went right in one ear..." "I love how he cares so much about stuff." "If I squint, I can pretend he's Alan Alda." "Oh, good." "Another dinosaur story." "When are those gonna become extinct?" "If I was a superhero who could fly and be invisible that would be the best." "What does Rachel see in this guy?" "I love Rachel." "I wish she was my wife." "Who's singing?" "The one with the Race car Bed" "when you guys were kids and you played Happy Days who were you?" "I was Richie." "I was always Joanie." "Question:" "Was "Egg the Gellers!" The war cry of your neighborhood?" " It's the Mattress King!" " Don't look, honey." "Change the channel!" "Wait!" "I wanna see this!" "After I divorce him half of that kingdom is gonna be mine!" "Despair fills the mattress show room." "My kingdom is suddenly without a queen." "I'm so depressed I'm going to slash my prices!" "Check it out!" "599 for a California king!" "499 for a pillow-top queen set!" "I'm going medieval on prices!" "What a wank!" "I cannot believe he's using our divorce to sell mattresses!" "I know." "At 499 for a pillow-top queen, who cares about the divorce?" "Those babies will sell themselves!" "And I'm appalled for you, by the way." "I'm close!" "I'm cheap!" "I'm the King!" "He stuffs that codpiece, right?" "Oh, yeah." "Okay, here you go." "You know what?" "I asked for no cinnamon on top." "Okay, Daddy." "We'll see you tomorrow night." "Okay, bye." ""We"?" " Are having dinner with my Dad tomorrow night." "I hope that's okay." "Oh, shoot!" "Tomorrow's not good." "I'm supposed to fall off the Empire State Building and land on a bicycle with no seat, so..." "Ross, my father doesn't hate you." "Please." "He refers to me as "wet-Head."" "Honey, he calls everybody by a nickname." "I know." "Just one dinner." "One night." "For me." "Please?" "I just want him to love you like I do." "All right." "Well, not exactly like I do." "But if you do come to dinner I'll love you like I do in that black thing that you like." "I'll go." " Fine." " Thank you." "Hi, Gunther." "Yeah." "We'll see." "Hey, you guys!" " Guess what." " What?" " I got a gig!" " Great!" "See, that's why I could never be an actor." "I can't say "gig."" "I can't say "croissant." Oh, my God!" " What's the part?" " It's not a part." "I'm teaching Acting for Soap operas at the Learning Extension." "Come on!" "That's great!" "It's, like, my chance to give something back to the acting community." "You're probably not allowed to sleep with any of your students." "I know." "I don't know, Monica." "It feels funny just being here." "I mean, if you buy a bed from Janice's ex-husband that's like betraying chandler." "Not at these prices!" "You know, in England this car would be on the other side of the store." "Phoebe." "Come here." "This is my new bed!" "You gotta feel this bad boy!" "Monica, it still feels so weird, you know?" "Chandler's your friend." "Oh, my God!" "All right, take this bed." "You can make other friends." "Good evening." "I am Mr. Tribbiani." "And I'll be teaching Acting for Soap operas." "Unfortunately, tonight will be my only class because due to a rare blood disease I only have two weeks to live." "So do we get our deposit back?" "That was supposed to be an example of acting for soap operas." "Then why are you only teaching tonight?" "I'm not." "Look, why don't we get straight to the lesson, okay?" "Now on my first day as Dr. Drake Ramoray on Days of Our Lives I learned one of the most important things in soap opera acting is reacting." "This does not mean acting again." "It means you don't have a line, but someone else just did." "And it goes something like this:" "Thanks." "Thanks a lot." "By the way, before I forget:" "To work in soap operas some of you are gonna have to become much more attractive." "All right, moving right along..." " How was teaching last night?" " Great!" "You get to say stuff like:" ""Hey, the bell doesn't dismiss you." "I dismiss you."" "Oh, nice." "Guess what?" "I got an audition for All My Children!" "It's this great part." "This boxer named Nick." "And I'm so, so right for it." "He's just like me." "Except that he's a boxer and has an evil twin." "Hear ye, hear ye!" "Delivery from the Mattress King!" " You Miss Geller?" " Okay." "Sign here." "Do I have a middle name?" "All right." "Monica "Felula" Geller." "It's that bedroom there." "Monica bought a bed from the Mattress King?" "So please, please, please don't say anything to chandler." " You want me to lie to him?" " Is that a problem?" "Oh, hey, "Nick the boxer." Let's see what you got!" " All right, put them up." "Come on." " Hey, you're pretty good at this." "I had to learn." "I was staying at the Y and some of the young men weren't acting christian enough." "Hey, now!" "And I'm bleeding." "Okay, great." "Wow!" "And I'm a vegetarian!" "I'm sorry." "We'll put some ice on it." " Put your head back." " All right." " I can't see." " I have you." "Oh, God!" "Which bedroom do you want it in, Ms. Geller?" "It's the compulsively neat one by the window." "Gotcha." "Hi, Daddy!" "This is where they put us?" "What, there was no table available in the kitchen?" " Hello, baby." " You remember Ross." "Nice to see you again, Dr. Greene." "So..." " How's the library?" " Museum." " What happened to the library?" " There never was a library." "I mean, there are libraries." "It's just that I've never worked at one." "You know what's really good here?" "The lobster." " What do you say?" "Shall I order three?" " Lf you're really hungry." "It was a joke." "I made a joke." "Actually, Daddy, Ross is allergic to lobster." "What kind of person's allergic to lobster?" "I guess the kind of person that works in a library." " It's not..." " I know." "It's a museum!" "You're the only who can make a joke?" "At least mine was funny." "Waiter." "We will have two lobsters and a menu." "So, Dr. Greene, how's the old boat?" "They found rust." "Do you know what rust does to a boat?" "Gives it a nice antique-y look?" "Rust is boat cancer, Ross." "Wow, I'm sorry." "When I was a kid, I lost a bike to that." "Excuse me for a moment, will you?" "I wanna say good night to the Levines before we go." "Honey, stop." "It's not that bad." "Your dad must have added wrong." "He only tipped like 4%." "Yeah." "That's Daddy." ""That's Daddy"?" "Doesn't it bother you?" "You're a waitress." "Yes, it bothers me." "If he was a regular at the coffee house, I'd be serving him sneezers." " So?" " So, Ross I've bugged him about this a million times." "He won't change." "Do you really serve people sneezers?" "Well, I don't." "All right, kids." "Ready?" "Thanks again, Dr. Greene." "Wait, I think I forgot my receipt." " You don't need that." " Why not?" "The carbon." "It's messy." "I mean, gets on your fingers and causes night blindness." "What is this?" "Who put a 20 down here?" "Huh?" "Oh, yeah, that would be me." "I have a problem." "I tip way too much." "Way too much." " It's a sickness, really." " Yeah, it is." " We have to do something about that." " Excuse me." "You think I'm cheap?" "He didn't mean anything by that." "He really didn't." "Nothing I do means anything." "Really." "This is nice." "I pay $200 for dinner." "You put down $20 and you come out looking like Mr. Big Shot." "You really want to be Mr. Big Shot?" "Here." "I'll tell you what:" "You pay the whole bill, Mr. Big Shot." "All right?" "Well, "Mr. Big Shot" is better than "wet-Head."" "Okay, some tricks of the trade." "Now, I've never been able to cry as an actor." "So if I'm in a scene where I have to cry, I cut a hole in my pocket take a pair of tweezers and just start pulling." "Or let's say I wanna convey that I've just done something evil." "That would be your basic I've-got-a- fish-hook-in-my-eyebrow-and-l-like-it." "Let's say I've just gotten bad news." "Well, all I do there is try and divide 232 by 13." "And that's how it's done." "Great soap opera acting tonight, everybody." "Class dismissed." " Hey, Mr. Trib." " Hey." "Guess what?" "I got an audition!" "One of my students got an audition." "I'm so proud!" "I was wondering if you'd consider coaching me for it." " You bet!" "What's the part?" " Oh, it's great!" "It's a role on All My Children." "Nick the boxer." "You had to do it." "You couldn't leave it alone." "Four percent, okay?" "I tip more than that when there's a bug in my food." "Tonight was about the two of you getting along." "Would you just see my chiropractor already?" "I'm gonna go to a doctor who went to medical school in a mini-mall." "Hey, Pheebs." "What are you doing?" "I'm freaking out!" "Monica trusted me with something and she shouldn't have!" "I haven't lived here in a while, so I have to ask you." "Does Monica still turn the lights on in her bedroom?" "I am so dead!" "Look, here's the bottom line." "This is fixable if we act fast, okay?" "I'll invite him to brunch tomorrow, and you can make nice." "Honey, I have tried to make nice." "It doesn't work." "Look, I realize my father is difficult." "But that's why you have got to be the bigger man here." "Sweetie, I could be the bigger man." "I could be the biggest man." "I could be a big, huge, giant man, it still wouldn't make a difference." "Except I could pick your father up and say, "Like me!" "Like me, tiny doctor!"" "Can't you just try it one more time?" "For me?" "For me?" "One brunch is not gonna solve anything." "Face it." "We're never gonna get along." "Well, you are just going to have to." "I've already got a mother and father who cannot stay in the same room." "I don't want to have a separate room for you too!" "I'll get the bagels." "What's this?" "Isn't it cool?" " This is not the bed I ordered." " I know!" "You must have won, like, a contest or something." "Why is this car in my bedroom?" "I'm sorry." "I wasn't looking and the store won't take it back because you signed for it." " When did I sign for it?" " When I was you." "It's all Joey's fault, because he left his nose open!" "Did you make brownies today?" " Knock, knock!" " Quick!" "Take off your dress." "He won't notice the bed." "I'm going for sushi." "Does anybody want...?" "Somebody missed the off-ramp!" " It's Monica's bed." "What?" " Okay." "It's a racecar!" "This has always been Monica's bed." "You just noticed?" "How self-involved are you?" "If this bed isn't new, then how come there's plastic on the mattress?" "Sometimes I have bad dreams." "Look I just saw my best friend's brain smeared across the canvas." "It's not gonna be me." "Not me." "That was good." "That was..." " Tweezers?" " No." " That was really good." " Thanks." "Any suggestions?" "You told him to play the boxer gay?" "Well, I might have said:" ""Super-gay."" "Joey, the last time an actor did something this bad, a president died." "Lincoln." "Booth." "Something happened at the tunnel?" "You're this guy's teacher." "How could you do this?" "Because, Monica, the guy's so good." "And I really, really want this part." "Well, if you really, really want it, then it's okay." " Hi, Daddy." " Baby." " Ross." " Dr. Greene, how are you?" "Thanks for dinner last night." "Thank you for teaching me a valuable lesson." "Nice hair." "What did you do, swim here?" "That's it." "I can't take it anymore." "What?" "He's interested in you." "He likes your hair." " He just wants to know how you got here." " Oh, please." " It's hopeless." "I'm just gonna go." " What?" "Ross..." " I'm sorry." "It's just..." " Ross?" "What's with the neck?" "He has this thing." "I keep telling him to go to my chiropractor." "You still going to him?" "That man couldn't get into med school in Ixtapa!" "Thank you." "That's what I keep saying." "Excuse me, Dr. Bobby happens to be an excellent doctor." "Wait a minute." "His name is Dr. Bobby?" " That's his last name." " And his first name." "He's Bobby Bobby?" "It's Robert Bobby." "And excuse me, he helps me." " Please." "Ask her how." " What do you need help for?" "My alignment." "One leg's shorter than the other." " Oh, my God." " Argue with that." "It's true!" "My right leg is two inches shorter!" "Come on, you're just tilting!" " Her legs are fine." " I know that." " So why do you let her go to him?" " "Let her"?" "She doesn't listen to me about renter's insurance either." "Wait a minute, you don't have renter's insurance?" "What if you're robbed?" "How will you run after the robber with one leg shorter than the other?" " Would you like some juice?" " I'd love some juice." "This is going so well!" "Did you see us?" "Did you see?" "Yeah, honey." "I was standing right there." "Why don't you tell him about the mole I haven't checked yet?" "Excellent!" "There will come a time in each of your careers when you'll have a chance to screw over another soap opera actor." "I had such an opportunity in the recent present." "And I'm ashamed to say that I took it." "I advised a fellow actor to play a role homosexually." "We both auditioned for the part and as it turned out they..." "They liked the stupid gay thing and cast him." "And now he's got a two-year contract opposite Susan Lucci the first lady of daytime television." "And me?" "Me, I'm stuck here teaching a bunch of people most of whom are too ugly to even be on TV." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "Thank you." " May I help you?" " Yes, hi." "We spoke earlier." "I'm the lady stuck with the racecar bed." "Look, it's like I told you." "There's nothing I can do." "You signed for it." ""Monica Felula Geller."" "All right, jester man, we wanna see the King." "Nobody sees the King." " Okay." "I'm talking to the King." " Hey, you can't go back there!" "Oh, my God." "Watch it, lady!" "Hey, good-Iooking." "All right, I'll leave." "My bed's so boring." "[ENGLISH]" "Here you go, Pheebs." "Who else wants one of my special home-baked brownies?" " I will have one." " I do." " That's okay." " I'm not having one." "No, no." "It's just my tooth." " All right." " I'll have one." "So you need a dentist?" "I've got a good one." "Thanks." "I have a good one too." "I just can't see him." "See, that is the problem with invisible dentists." "It's very unsettling to see all those metal tools just flying around." "Why can't you go to him?" "Because every time I go to the dentist, somebody dies." "That is so weird." "Every time I go to the dentist I look down the hygienist's blouse." "Phoebe, what...?" "What?" "First, it was my Aunt Mary." "And then there was John, my mailman." "And then my cowboy friend, Albino Bob." "And all these people actually died?" "Yes." "While I was in the chair." "That's why I take such good care of my teeth." "It's not about oral hygiene." "I floss to save lives." "Come on, you didn't kill anybody." "These people just happened to die when you went to the dentist." "It's just a coincidence." "Tell that to them." "Oh, you can't!" "They're dead!" "The one with the Giant Poking Device" "Thanks, Gunther." "Can I get a napkin too?" "Like you don't already have everything." "You're in pain." "Would you just go to the dentist." "Just go." "Fine." "But if you're my next victim don't come back as a poltergeist who sucks me into the TV set." "I promise." "Although, don't feel like you can't visit." "Hey, is chandler here?" "No." "No, he's not." "You guys, Joey just saw Janice kissing her ex-husband." "What?" "What are you gonna do?" "How are you gonna tell chandler?" "I was thinking about that." "I think the best way would be to not." "You can't keep this to yourself." "If you know, you have to tell him." "It'll kill him." "It'll just kill him." "Wait until I go to the dentist." "Maybe I'll kill him." "Ugly Naked Guy's using his new hammock." "It's like a Play-Doh fat factory." "I'm going to the dentist." "So listen just be on the lookout for anything that you could fall into or that can fall on you or... or just look out!" "And I also just want to..." "I just want to tell you all that... okay." "I have a problem." "I have to go into work for a few hours." "Some kids messed up the Homo sapien display." "What did they do?" "They painted over the word "sapien," for one thing." "Then they rearranged the figures." "Let's just leave it at that." "Do you want me to watch Ben for you?" "That's what I was gonna ask." "Thank you." "Wait, hello!" "What about me?" "You?" "You want to watch Ben." "That would be great!" "I just asked Monica because I know how empty her life is." "I got a science question." "If the Homo sapiens were, in fact, "homo" sapiens is that why they're extinct?" "Joey, Homo sapiens are people." "Hey, I'm not judging." "Look, Benny." "Spoon!" "Spoon!" "Come on." "All right, you know what?" "I think he's bored." "Here." "You wanna play the airplane game?" "You wanna show Rachel?" "Come here." "You wanna do something fun?" "Okay." "Who's so brave?" "You're so brave!" "Yes, you are." " You're so brave." " You're okay." "He's fine." "Let's just put him down." "Come here, babe." "Yes, you're such a good boy." "How could you do that to him?" "Ross trusted me!" "What's he gonna say?" "Nothing, because we're not telling him." " We're not?" " No." "All right, I like that." "So we're okay." "We're okay, aren't we?" "No, we're not okay." "There's a bump." "What bump?" "Oh, my God!" "Well, push it in!" "Push it in!" "I cannot push it in!" "Okay, we're gonna need a distraction." " That's it." " Okay." " I got it!" " Okay." "The second Ross walks in take him to your bedroom, and do whatever it is you do that makes him go... or we could put a hat on his head." "A hat!" "Yes!" "We need a hat!" "Where are we gonna find a tiny little hat?" "I'll get Rainy Day Bear!" "Because he'll know what to do?" "Oh, my God." "You're a genius!" "It's kind of sewn on." " Give it." "Give it." " Okay." "It's just like a bloodbath in here today!" "Hey, hold on a second." "Hold on a second." "Do you think these pearls are nice?" "I'd prefer a mountain bike." "Janice's birthday is coming up." "I wanna get her something special." " Come in here with me." " Wait!" "You wanna get her something special?" "Get her flowers." "Get her candy." "Get her gum." "Girls love gum." "That's a good idea. "Dear Janice:" "Have a Hubba Bubba birthday."" "I would like to get her something serious." "You want something serious." "You know what you should do?" "You should get her one of those barium enemas." "Those are dead serious." "And you know she'll never get one for herself." "Look, I'm gonna go in here." "And you don't buy me anything, ever!" "You can't!" "You can't." "You can't buy her pearls." "You just can't." "You can't, You can't, you can't!" "Why not?" "Oh, God." "Here's the thing." "This is the thing." "Okay, the thing is... what is the thing?" "I went down to the Mattress King's showroom and I saw Janice kissing her ex-husband." "What?" "They were in his office." "She wouldn't do that." "She's with me." "I'm telling you, I saw it." "Well, you're wrong." "You're wrong." "I'm not wrong." "I wish I was." "I'm sorry." "Bet that barium enema doesn't sound so bad now." "It makes more sense as an ensemble." "Besides, it takes the focus off the hat." "Oh!" "You're alive!" "You're alive!" "I promised you no one would die, didn't I?" "We'll see about that." "Can I use your phone to call everyone I know?" "Sure." "We have no money." "Go ahead." "Hey, you're not dead!" "Okay, see you." "Monica." "Oh, my God!" "He just said my name!" " Did you hear that?" " Yeah." "Monica bang!" "Okay, I heard that." "Did he just say, "Monica bang"?" "Oh, my God!" "He's gonna rat me out!" "Monica bang!" "Sweetie, you need to stop saying that now." "It's no big deal." "It's not even worth mentioning." "You see?" "We all do it all the time." "See?" "Watch this." "Monica bang!" "Everybody bang!" "Ben bang!" "Rachel bang!" "Bang, Rachel!" "Bang!" " Isn't it fun?" " Look at that!" "We all do it!" " Okay, I'm stopping now." " Are you okay?" "Yeah." "You know, if it's not a headboard, it's just not worth it." "How's my Bing-a-ling?" "I don't know." "You tell me." "Anything you want to tell me?" "Because if you..." "You should..." "You would tell me." "Why are your eyes so wide?" "You tell me." "Maybe it's because I was just fooling around with my ex." "Oh, no." "That was you!" "Oh, my God!" " All right!" " How did you know?" "Joey told me." "He saw you two kissing." "In the park?" "No." "In his office." "How many kisses were there?" " Just those two!" " Why?" "Why?" "Why?" "Why was there kissing?" "There should be no kissing!" "I'm sorry, honey." "I'm so, so..." "I'm so, so sorry." "I just... what happened was I..." "I can't breathe." "Can you get me a bag or something?" "Here." "Here." "Here." " It's the receipt." " I'll take it." "Look, I've got to know." "Are you finished with me?" "Are you finished with him?" "Do you still love him?" "Do you still love me?" "All right, look I'm gonna need an actual answer here, okay?" "So which is it?" "Him or me?" "I don't know." "Okay, if you're alive, you answer your phone!" "Okay, Ben, I won't tell your daddy that you had ice cream before dinner if you won't tell him about our little bonking incident." "Number one, I don't think Ben understands the concept of bribery." "And number two, I..." " what?" " You said, "number two."" "I also said, "number one."" "I know." " Hey, everyone." " Hi!" "How's my little boy?" "He's perfect." "Aren't you, Ben?" " He's never been better." " What did you do, take him whaling?" "Monica." "Oh, my God!" "He just said your name!" "That's great!" "Good job, Ben!" "Monica bang!" "That's right." "That's what I'd sound like if I exploded." "The curse is broken!" "I called everybody I know and everyone is alive!" "Ugly Naked Guy looks awfully still." "My God, I killed another one!" "The curse is getting stronger too, to bring down something that big." "Maybe he's just taking a nap." "I'm telling you, he hasn't moved since this morning." "We should call somebody." "And tell them what?" "The naked guy we stare at isn't moving?" "We've got to find out if he's alive." "How are we gonna do that?" "There's no way." "Well, there is one way." "His window's open." "I say we poke him." "You know how we save all those chopsticks for no reason when we get chinese food?" "Well, now we got a reason." "What?" "We're fashioning a very long poking device." "All right." "Hey, what's the matter?" "I talked to Janice." "Oh, my God." "Is she going back to him?" "She doesn't know." "Says she loves us both." "I woke up this morning, I was in love." "I was happy!" "It serves me right for buying that 12-pack of condoms." "And now I can't even return them, because she choked on the receipt!" "What are you gonna do?" "I don't know." "You know?" "What would you do?" " It doesn't matter what I'd do." " Come on." "Come on." "Tell me." "All right, you're..." "You're probably not gonna want to hear this but if it was me, and this is just me I would bow out." " What?" "What are you talking about?" "They have a kid together, you know?" "They're, like, a family." "And if, I don't know if there's a chance they can make that work I know I wouldn't wanna be the guy who stood in the way." "You okay?" "You..." "You wanna come poke a nude guy?" "Well, he's finally asleep." "About that bump on his head..." "Are you sure it's a new bump?" "No offense, but I've always thought of Ben as a fairly bumpy-headed child." "It's okay if he bumps his head." "Kids bump their heads all the time." "It was your first time babysitting." "You did the best you could." " I did!" " I know." "You have to watch them all the time." "I did!" "I watched!" "I watched!" "I watched Monica bang his head against that thing!" "Monica did it?" "Did you notice anything weird about Ben today?" "No, why?" "I was just playing with him, and we were doing the "Alphabet Song" which he used to be good at." "Suddenly, he's leaving out E and F." "It's like they just, I don't know, fell out of his head." " Really?" " And also, he's walking kind of funny." "It's like his left leg is moving a lot faster than his right leg." "Yeah, he's in there, just... oh, my God!" "I wrecked your baby!" "I hope it's still funny when you're in hell." "You jerk!" " You know how much I love that kid!" " Monica bang!" "Monica bang!" "I'll get the hat." "I have something to tell you." "And I want you to let me get through it because it's not gonna be easy." " Okay." "I think you should go back with Gary." "I don't want to be the guy that breaks up a family." "You know, when my parents split up, it was because of that guy." "Whenever I would see him, I would always think:" ""You're the reason." "You are why they're not together."" "And I hated that guy." "And it didn't matter how nice he was or how happy he made my dad." "It's the right thing to do." "You're right." "Oh, God." "But before I can say goodbye there's something I really need you to know." "The way I feel about you it's like I finally understand what Lionel Richie's been singing about." "You know?" "I mean, what we have it's like movie love." "You're my soul mate." "I can't believe we're not gonna spend the rest of our lives together." "Then don't leave me." "What?" "Forget what I said." "I was babbling." "Pick me!" "No, you were right!" "I gotta give my marriage another chance." "No, you don't!" "I say, you have to give your divorce another chance!" "Sweetie, you should not have to settle for just half my heart." "I'll settle for half your heart." "I'll settle for a quarter." "I'll settle for a little, tiny..." "A ventricle." "I'm sorry." " Don't go." " No, I gotta go." "No." "No!" "No, no." "Honey." "Honey." " People are looking." " I don't care." "I don't care!" "Yeah, okay." "I'm..." "I'm leaving now." "You can't leave!" "I have your shoe!" "Goodbye, chandler Bing." "Rachel has those in burgundy." "Remember, something this big and long will be very difficult to maneuver." "Fortunately, I have experience in that area." "What are you, 12 today?" "Can we please focus here?" "A naked man's life hangs in the balance." "I'm telling you, he's dead." "What we're about to have here is a dead, fat guy on a stick!" "All right, ladies and gentlemen, let's poke." "Steady." "Steady." "Okay, a little higher." "Careful of the angle." "Okay, okay." "We're approaching the window." "Thread the needle." "Thread the needle." "He's alive!" "He's alive!" "And yet we're still poking him." "Okay, retract the device!" "Retract the device!" "He does not look happy." "Now he's showing us his poking device." "Hey, that's never gonna make it all the way over here, buddy!" "[ENGLISH]"