""Notwithstanding the provisions of subsection 3, section A, clause 214 of the Administrative Procedures Scotland Act 1978, insofaras the implementation of the statutory provisions is concerned, the resolution of anomalies as between departments shall fall within the purview of the MinisterforAdministrative Affairs"." "What does it mean?" " I'm sorry?" " What does it mean?" "Oh, er, well, Minister, it means "notwithstanding the provisions of..."" "I've just read it to you." "What does it mean?" "What it says, Minister." "May I remind you, you are seeing a deputation from the TUC in 15 minutes, from the CBI afterthat, and from the NEB at 12 noon." " What do they all want?" " They're all worried about machinery." "Yes, for inflation, deflation and reflation." "What do they think I am, a Ministerof the Crown ora bicycle pump?" "When am I going to do all this correspondence?" "You do realise you don't actually have to." " Don't I?" " We can draft an official reply." "What's that?" ""The Ministerthanks you forthe letter"." "Then we say:" ""The matter is underconsideration"." "Oreven, "underactive consideration"." "What's the difference?" ""Underconsideration" means we've lost the file," ""Underactive consideration" means we're trying to find it." "You just transferall the letters to yourOut Tray, put a note if you wish to see the reply and if you don't, you neversee it again." "If I transfereverything from here to here, without even reading it," " that's all I have to do?" " Yes." " Itwill be dealtwith?" " Precisely." " Properly?" " Immaculately." "What's the Minister here forthen?" "Er... to make policy decisions, Minister." "When you've decided the policy, we can carry it out." "How often are policy decisions needed?" "From time to time." "Bernard, this government is here to govern." "Not merely preside like ourpredecessors did." "When a country is going downhill, it's time forsomeone to get into the driving seat, put his foot on the accelerator." "I think you mean the brake." " Ah, Humphrey." " A moment of yourtime, Minister." ""The official visit to the UK of the President of Buranda"." "Where's Buranda?" " Africa." " I've neverheard of it." "Yes, it's fairly new, Minister." "It used to be called British Equatorial Africa." "It's the red bit on the left hand side, below the Mediterranean." "Oh, there!" "But why's this come to us?" " This is forthe Foreign Office." " There are administrative problems." "Her Majesty's due to be up at Balmoral, so she'll have to come to London." "State visits are arranged years in advance." "This isn't a state visit, it's a Head of Government visit." "The President of Buranda is Head of State." "But he's also Head of Government." "But ifhe's coming as Head of Government, why does the Queen have to see him?" "Because she's the Head of State, Minister." "The Head of State must greet a Head of State, even ifhe's not here as Head of State." "It's all a matterofhats." " Hats?" " Yes." "He's coming wearing his Head of Government hat." "He is the Head of State, but he's notwearing his Head of State hat, but even though he's wearing his Head of Government hat, he must still be met by the Crown." "Why are we having an official visit from this tin pot little African country?" "I beg of you not to referto it as a tin pot little African country." " It's an L. D. C." " What?" "Buranda is an Under- developed Country." "However, this term was regarded as offensive... so they became known as Developing Countries and then as Less Developed Countries or L. D. C.'s." "We are nowready to replace the term L. D. C. With H. R. R. C." "What's that?" " Human Resource Rich Countries." " Which means?" "They're grossly overpopulated and begging formoney." "And Buranda is an H. R. R. C?" "No, Minister." "Is it one of the "have not" nations?" "We don't use that term any longer." "But if we did, Buranda would be a "will have" nation." "Will have a huge amount of oil in a couple of years from now." "Oh, I see." "Why didn't you say so at first?" " It's not a T. P. L. A. C. At all." " T. P. L. A. C?" "Tin Pot Little African Country." "No, Minister." "Oil." "I've got a marvellous idea." "The Queen doesn't have to come down from Balmoral." "Are you proposing that they should exchange official greetings overthe telephone?" "No." "No." "No." "No." "You'd like them to shout rather loudly?" "No." "The visit shall take place in Scotland." " At Holyrood Palace." " Out of the question." " Why?" " It's not ourdecision." " It's a Foreign Office matter." " I don't think so." ""Notwithstanding the provisions of subsection 3 blah blah... it is proposed blah... the resolution of anomalies shall fall within the purview of the Minister forAdministrative Affairs." "It's brilliant." "We save the Queen a pointless journey, and there are three Scottish by-elecctions coming up soon." "We'll hold them afterthe visit." "We do not hold Head of Government visits forparty political reasons, but forreasons of State." "My plan shows that Scotland is an equal partner in the UK." "She is Queen of Scotland too." "And it is full of marginal constit..." "depressed areas." "I hardly think thatwe can exploit ourSovereign by involving her in what some might call a squalid vote grubbing exercise." " You want a betterreason, right?" " Indeed we do." "Then tell me why he's coming." "Forexchange of views on matters of mutual interest." " Now tell me why he's coming." " Off shore drilling equipment." "We're hoping he's going to place a huge orderwith us." "And where is he going to see all this offshore equipment?" "Aberdeen." "Clydeside." "Howmany oil rigs have you got in Haslemere?" " But the administrative problems" " That's why we are here." " But Scotland's so remote..." " Not all that remote." "It's that pink bit about two feet above Potter's Bar." "Very droll, Minister." "So, it's going to be Scotland." "That is my policy decision." "That's what I'm here for, right Bernard?" "Right Humphrey?" "Good, thank you." "What's he got against the idea?" "Sir Humphrey likes going to Foreign Embassies, with his white tie, tails, medals." "Itwill all be on a much smaller scale in Scotland." "No room for Humphrey?" "Onlyforthe Permanent Secretary there." "Has Sir Humphrey got lots of um...?" "Yes one ortwo, Minister." "And he's been recommended forthe K. B. E." "How do you know?" "I thought honours were a closely guarded secret." " More coffee, Jumbo?" " Thank you, Humpy." "Any luck with the Foreign Secretary about this Scottish nonsense?" ""Fraid not." "Can't budge him." "Your Ministernobbled him first." "No chance of getting it back to London?" "No, I'm afraid the Cabinet are utterly united." "All these marginal seats, d'you see?" "Shameful." " Political." " Typical." "Inevitable." "And so blatant." "Issuing writs forthree Scottish by-elections to poll on the day afterthe visit." "Can you imagine Harold MacMillan doing a thing like that?" "Yes." "Yes, so can I, actually." "Now, about the arrangements forScotland." "The reception I mean." "Do we knowwho's going?" "Yes." "I'm afraid the Burandan Consulate in Edinburgh is rathera hutch." "I shall have to carry the flag forthe Civil Service all by myself." "Oh really?" "Well, you have my sympathy." "God knows what they'll be serving up forthe Scots and Burandans." "Haggis in missionary sauce, I shouldn'twonder." "Actually, between ourselves, the visitwill probably neverhappen." " Neverhappen?" "Why?" " Rumblings in the interior." "Oh dear..." "Oh, I see what you mean." " From ourman in Mungoville." " Isn't that ratherserious?" "Buranda's a friendly country with a Commonwealth connection." "Our information is it's likely to turn into a hostile L. D. C." "With a Cuban connection." " Whatwill the Government do?" " The same as always..." "Damn all!" "We are just getting reports of a coup d'etat in Buranda, the West African State, formerly British Equatorial Africa." "It is reported that the Commander in Chief" "Colonel Selim Mohammed has been declared President." "It is not known what's happened to President Alam, who was due to pay an official visit to Britain next week." "There is still no sign of agreement..." "Did you see that?" "Get me the Foreign Secretary." "Shall we scramble?" "No, it's not secret, it's on the news." "Martin." " What's all this about Buranda?" " What's all what?" "There's been a coup d'etat." "How do you know?" "Itwas on the news." "Didn't you see?" "You're Foreign Secretary!" "My TV set's on the blink." "YourTV set?" "Don't you get telegrams?" "No, they come in later." "I get all the foreign news from TV." "You're joking... aren't you?" "No." "We've got to make sure this official visit still happens." "How can we?" "Who's the new President?" "We must find out." "And make sure he comes." " There are three by-elections." " I know that." "Let me know if you hear..." "No, you let me know." "You're the one with the telly." " You've heard the sad news?" " Yes, disaster." "No." "No." "No." "No, just a slight inconvenience." "The wheels are in motion, it's really simple to cancel the arrangements forthe visit." " You'll do no such thing." " We have no choice." "We are reissuing the invitation forthe new President." "But, we haven't recognised his government." "The wheels are in motion." " But who is he?" " Mohammed something." "We knownothing about him." "What's he like?" "We're not putting him up forthe Athenaeum." "Minister." "Buranda is in total confusion." "We don't know who is behind him." "Whetherhe's Soviet backed, orjust a Burandan with an eye forthe main chance." "We cannot take diplomatic risks." " The Government has no choice." " But Her Majesty..." "Her Majesty will cope." "She always does." "But who is he?" "He might not be properly brought up." "He might be rude to her." "He might take liberties." "He will be photographed with Her Majesty and what ifhe turns out to be anotherldi Amin." "The repercussions are too hideous to contemplate." " We'll find out about him." " We can't." "All thatwe know is that he's an enigma." "Humphrey, I don't care forthatword." "Enigma?" "And there are reasons of State which make this visit essential." "Buranda is enormously rich." "It needs oil rigs and we have idle shipyards on the Clyde." "Buranda is essential to ourAfrican policy." "The Government doesn't have African policy." "Well, it has now." "And ifhe is Marxist backed, who betterto win him over to ourside than her Majesty?" "Moreover, it is an important state occasion forScotland." "Not to mention three marginal by-elections." "Not to mention..." "It has nothing to do with it!" "Of course not." "Yes?" "It's the Foreign Secretary." "Martin?" "Yes?" "Yes?" "The visit's on." "Oh, splendid." "The new President of Buranda intends to visit this country, as previously agreed." "So, the Foreign Office is getting the facts at last?" "Well, not exactly." "Martin's driverheard a newsflash on his carradio." "So, the visit's on." "That is my recommendation to the PM." "Anotherpolicy decision, Bernard." "Quite a lot of them afterall, aren't they?" "Burandan Airways!" "They are doing well." " Howmany planes do they have?" " None." "What about that one?" "That one was chartered lastweek and repainted specially." "Actually, there's one 747 that belonged to 9 different African airlines in one month." "They called it the Mumbo Jumbo." " When does my plane leave?" " I've booked you on the sleeper." " You'll be at the House tonight." " Oh, lord." "And nowwe are about to catch ourfirst glimpse of President Selim Mohammed of Buranda." "I knowhim!" "That's Charlie." " Charlie?" " We were at L. S. E. Together." "He's not Selim Mohammed, he's Charles Umtali." "Are you sure?" "You don't forget a name like Charlie Umtali." " Have we anything on this?" " In the brief it stated that Colonel Selim Mohammed was converted to Islam." "We didn't knowhis previous name norhis background." "He's a red hot political economist." "Wiped the floorwith everyone." " That's all right then." " Why?" "He'll knowhow to behave ifhe went to an English University." "Even if itwas the L. S. E." "You said red hot, were you speaking politically?" "Partly." "You neverknowwith Charlie." "He follows you into a revolving doorand comes out first." "No deep commitment?" " Only to Charlie." " I see." "A politician, Minister." "Very droll, Humphrey." "It'll be a couple of days." "Can't do much harm." "Always remember, Minister, you wanted him here, not me." "It is afterhalf past, Minister." "When am I going to do all this correspondence?" "Well, Minister..." "Well done, Minister." "Betterout than in." "22:30 Edinburgh train will leave from Platform 7..." " Who is it?" " Bernard." "Come in." "Bernard, what's the matter?" " Will you read this, please?" " No, I will not." " It's top priority..." " You always say that." "It is a copy of President Selim's speech tomorrow." "I know these speeches:" "Happy to be here, bonds of shared experience," " Ties between ourtwo countries." " That is all in it, but..." " I'm not going to read it tonight." " I think you should." "I've underlined the important bits in red ink." "I'll just distribute some copies around the train." "Around the train?" "To Sir Humphrey, the Foreign Secretary, the Press Officer..." ""Burandans feel a special affinity with the" "Celtic peoples in theirstruggle forfreedom." "We too had to fight to break free from the chains of British colonialism"." "Bristish colonialism?" ""The people of Buranda urge the Scots and the Irish to end the English oppression, cast off the imperialist yoke and join the fellowship of free nations"." "Good God!" "Yes." "We would appearto have been caughtwith ourtrousers down." "He can't say this in front ofher." "I don't like to say I told you so." " Egg all overourfaces." " Not egg, just imperialist "yoke"." "Three Scottish by-elections." "It is indeed a catastrophe." "A tragedy." "A cataclysmic, apocolyptic, monumental calamity." " And you did it." " You're paid to advise me, advise me!" "This is like trying to advise the Captain of the Titanic afterhe's struck the iceberg." "There must be something we can do." "We could sing Abide with Me?" " Yes?" " Minister." "The Foreign Secretary would like a word." " Ah, Foreign Secretary." " Have you read this...?" "My Minister is concerned thatwe will have egg all overourface." "Scotch egg, presumably." " Why is he doing it?" " Maybe it's forhome consumption." "Perhaps he's trying to persuade the otherAfrican Leaders that he's a pukka anticolonialist." "Yes?" "Yes, Bernard?" "The Press Officer would like a word." "Oh dear!" "Room fora little 'un?" "Do you think it's good idea to issue a statement?" "Well, Minister, in practical terms we have the usual six options." "One, do nothing." "Two, issue a statement deploring the speech." "Three, lodge an official protest." "Four, cut off aid." "Five, break off diplomatic relations." " And six, declare war." " Which should we do?" "If we do nothing, we implicity agree with the speech." "Two, if we issue a statement, we just look foolish." "Three, if we lodge a protest, itwill be ignored." "Four, we can't cut off aid because we don't give them any." "Five, if we break off diplomatic relations we can't negotiate the oil rig contracts." "And six, if we declare war it might just look as if we were overreacting." "In the old days we'd just send in a gun boat." "I suppose that is absolutely out of the question?" " Yes?" " Minister..." "The Permanent undersecretary of the Foreign Office." "It'll be like the Black Hole of Calcutta." " May I come in, Minister." " You can try." "This is all we needed." "Welcome to the Standing Committee." "Sir Frederick, what are we going to do about this?" "Well, Minister, Foreign Secretary..." "I think..." "I think we knowwhat's behind it, don'twe, Humpy?" "Humpy?" "Sir Frederick is suggesting that the offending paragraph may be a bargaining counter." " He wants something?" " Why send us an advance copy?" "Why don't you find out what it is he wants?" "The Embassy staff are all new, we've just seen the speech." "And no one knows anything about this President." "Except me." " Except you?" " They were at University together." " The old boy network." " Thatwas 25 years ago." "He may not even rememberme..." "I don't really think I could..." "You ought to see him." "I think you carry more weight." "Then the mountain shall go to Mohammed?" "No." "No." "No." "Jim's going." "That's what I meant." "All right." "But you'll have to come with me." "Of course, Minister." "I'd hardly let you do it on yourown." "Jim, come in." " Hownice to see you again." " Charlie..." "Long time no see." "You don't have to speak pidgin English to me." "Sir Humphrey Appleby, my Permanent undersecretary." " Your Excellency." " How do you do." "Do sit down." "Permanent undersecretary is such a demeaning title." "I beg yourpardon?" "Sounds like an Assistant Typist orsomething, whereas you're really in charge of everything." "Well, not quite everything." "I should congratulate you on becoming Head of State." "Oh, thanks." "Itwasn't difficult." "I didn't do boring things, like fighting elections orby-elections." "Jim, of course I'm delighted to see you, but is this purely a social visit, or is there anything you wanted to talk about?" "I do have to finish my speech." "Ah..." "Well, yes..." "Actually, we have seen an advanced copy..." "You liked it?" "Charlie, may I speak frankly?" " We're old friends." " Of course." "You must realise that that bit about colonialist oppression was a bit..." "well... um, very..." "Well, actually profoundly embarrassing." "That passage where you urged the Scots and the Irish to er..." "I wonder if you could um, give it a miss?" " Give it a miss?" " Yes." "But, this is something I feel very, very deeply to be true." "Surely the British don't believe in suppressing the truth?" "Good heavens no." "I wonder if there's anything that might persuade you to considerrecasting that sentence and transfering the emphasis from the specific instance to the abstract concept without in any way, impairing the conceptual integrity of the theme." "Yes..." "May I change the subject?" "Jim, while you're here may I sound you out on a proposal" "I was going to make to the Prime Minister?" "What proposal?" "Our little change of Government has quite unnecessarily alarmed some of the investors in ouroil industry." "Only temporarily, but it does mean thatwe need a little British investment to tide us over." "To restore confidence, you know." "Howmuch?" "Fifty million pounds." "Ask him on what terms." "On what terms?" "Repayment of the capital not to start before ten years." "And interest free." "Fifty million pounds..." "it's a lot ot money." "I see, well in that case..." "But that doesn't mean we can't talk about it?" "Interest free?" "Ten years?" "Assuming a 10 % interest, he's asking fora free gift of fifty million pounds." "Itwould appear that you're asking for a free gift of about fifty million pounds." "But it's to youradvantage." "We would use the loan to buy oil rigs built on the Clyde." "Ah, well." "He's asking us to give him 50 million pounds so that he can buy ouroil rigs with ourmoney." "Reasonable to me." " Reasonable, Minister?" " Lots of jobs, Humphrey." "Supposing itwere possible to do this deal, would you find it possible to make cuts in yourspeech?" "Yes, but I'd have to knownow." "Blackmail!" "Are you describing me, ormy proposal?" "Yourproposal, naturally." "No, no, not even yourproposal." "I think we can come to agreement, don't you Humphrey?" "Minister..." "Could I have a word with you?" "Yes?" "Will you excuse us, Your Excellency?" " Is anything wrong?" " Is anything right?" "He's offering us a way out." "A gift of 50 million pounds is a way out?" " It's a loan." " We'll neverget it back." "You buy yourway out of political involvement with fifty million pounds of public money?" " It's diplomacy." " It's corruption, Minister." "K. B. E." "Humpy." "You mean..." "Yes, I see." "I suppose we don'twant the Soviets to invest in Buranda, do we?" "And I suppose it could be argued thatwe have a responsibility to the..." "T. P. L. A. C.'s." "Yes, quite." "Oh, good." "Mr. President, I think we can come to terms afterall." " Well, you knowmy price." " And you knowmine." "Everyone has his price." "Yes, Minister."