"MAN [ON TV]:" "Throws it into the corner off the middle, he's got a..." "[PHONE RINGS]" "Hello?" "Hold on." "Are you in for a Suzanne?" "Kind of have to be." "You didn't put your hand over the phone." "Oh, right." "Sorry, he's not here." "Give me." "Give me." "Sorry about that." "My brother's kid." "Yeah, dumb as a stump." "[DOORBELL RINGS]" "Hi." "Yeah." "I'm not sure I have the right address." "No, you got the right address." "Charlie, it's for you." "CHARLIE:" "Who is it?" "Karma." "CHARLIE:" "What?" " Your chickens have come home to roost." "Chickens?" "Karma?" "Alan, what the hell are you talking...?" "Charlie, it's for you." "Hey." "Great to see you again." "Yeah." "I don't think we've met." " Really?" " Really." "Are you trying to give me a stroke?" "Is that what you're trying to do?" "Well, it's about time." "Oh, hey, Mom." "I got the cleaning stuff you wanted." "Well, don't just stand there." "Get in the kitchen and start using it." "Fine." " Berta, aren't you gonna introduce us?" " Oh, I'm sorry." "Where are my manners?" "Charlie, Alan, I'd like you to meet my youngest daughter, Naomi." "The light of my life." "A little angel who swooped down from heaven and landed on a married man's penis." " Mom." " And when she got knocked up and lost her job, she had to come live with me." " They fired you for being pregnant?" " Yep." "Being pregnant." "And stealing a few office supplies." "Eight computers and a Xerox machine." "Not all at once." "So which one of you guys is the rich one who likes to party?" "Get to work." "All right." "When you're done in the kitchen, you can scrub the toilets." "naomi:" "All right." "If she spent more time on her knees than on her back, she wouldn't be in this situation." "Not necessarily." "Should she really be scrubbing toilets in her condition?" "Hey, when I was pregnant with her I worked right up until my water broke." "Then I used the water to mop the floor." "I exaggerate for effect." "Wow." "Yeah, and we think our family's screwed up." "No, no, I meant, "Wow, Naomi is hot."" " What?" " Come on." "She's so ripe and luscious." "I just wanna caress that taut, voluptuous belly and..." "You know." "[GROANS]" "Who are you?" "Come on, you can't tell me you don't appreciate the beauty of a woman in that condition." "Okay, look, freako." "I get the aesthetic appeal of a woman with the glow of motherhood a new life growing inside of her, blah, blah, blah." "But long story short, once there's a bun in the oven I don't feel the need to butter it." "Well, then you have missed out on one of the great sexual experiences a man can have." "There had to be one." "When Judith was pregnant with Jake I don't know if it was hormones or pheromones but she just could not get enough of me." "And ever since then, every time I see a pregnant woman, I just:" "[GROANS]" "Okay, seriously, you gotta stop that." "I'm telling you, nine months of the hottest sex we've ever had." "Even with the morning sickness and hemorrhoids." "Maybe that explains Jake's grades." "Morning sickness and hemorrhoids?" "No, the repeated blows to his unformed head." "You are such an idiot." "Experts agree that sex during pregnancy is not harmful to the baby." "Experts shmecksperts." "Tonight when you're sleeping I'm gonna come in and start poking you in the ear with a hot dog." "See how you like it." "Okay, okay, clearly we have different opinions." "All I know is, I find pregnant women very erotic." "Oh, hey, buddy." " Hi." " How long have you been standing there?" "Long enough to be very confused." "But we have hot dogs, right?" "[GROANS]" " Excuse me?" " Oh, it's just a little indigestion." "So she's got you doing a little ironing, huh?" "Yeah." "Boy, I can't wait to get this day over with and take a nice, hot bath." "[GROANS]" "You know, we happen to have a Jacuzzi tub." "It has those jets..." "I'm okay." "I'm okay." " Are you sure?" " Yeah, I'm fine." " You want me to run some water for you?" " No, I couldn't." "I gotta keep working or my mom will be all over me like hair on soap." "Hm." "You do paint a picture." "But still, you shouldn't be working in your condition." "Come on, just sit here." "I'll finish it for you." " Really?" " Yes, really." "Why, thank you." "You're not doing a very good job anyway." "Ooh." "Hot." "So you know what the baby is?" "Well, I'm hoping for human." " No, no, I meant boy or girl." " Oh, it's a girl." "Oh, that's nice." "I always wanted a girl." "I mean, I love my son, but let's face it." "Girls are so much smarter and more spiritual than boys." "Plus, we got all the boobies." "All the good ones anyway." "Of course, right now mine feel like two big bags of wet sand." "Nice." "My back is killing me, my feet are swollen and I'm passing gas like a NASCAR pit crew." "Well, I think you look beautiful." "Aren't you sweet." "God, it feels like she's playing Hacky Sack in there." " Wanna feel?" " Yes." "Okay." "Come on." "What's going on here?" "Oh, hi." "The baby was kicking and Naomi asked if I wanted to feel and I said sure, which is when you walked in." "That's it." " Okay." " Yes, it is." "It is okay." "Hey, you're having a new granddaughter." "What a blessing, huh?" "Yeah." "Sort of takes the sting out of this one being a gullible tramp." "Now get off your rump roast and finish the ironing." "Wait." "Relax, Berta, I'll do the ironing." "Why don't you just let Naomi take it easy?" "Easy is the reason she's in this condition." " Now get to it." " All right." "You know, if your back is really bothering you, I'm a chiropractor." "BERTA:" "Zippy." " Yes?" " Conference." " Yes." "Zippy is kind of an affectionate nickname." "Because I'm quick." "What are you doing?" "I'm trying to teach that girl responsibility." "She's gonna be a single mother with no job skills." "I want her to be able to support herself with some dignity." "Please." "What kind of dignity can a woman have ironing clothes and cleaning strangers' toilets?" "I'll tell you what kind." "The dignity of an honest buck for an honest day's labor." "Hats off to the working gal." "Excuse me." "[BERTA SOBBING]" " Berta?" "BERTA:" "Go away." " I actually need to use the bathroom." " Well, I'm using this one." " Are you okay?" " Yeah, Charlie, I am just aces." "All right." "Would you like a magazine?" "Go away." "[BERTA SOBBING]" "Berta, I'm coming in." "Is it okay if I come in?" "Hi." "I didn't want you to see me like this." "Yeah, well, it's better than the image I had in my mind." " What's wrong, Berta?" " What do you think?" " Your daughter?" " I had such hopes for her." "Of all of my girls, she was the smart one." "She was the smart one?" "Go on." "I really thought Naomi would make something of herself." "You know, a career, a family a house that wasn't just a horse trailer with a futon in it." "Don't blame yourself." "It's not your fault." "Who said anything about it being my fault, you nimrod?" "No, no, no, I'm..." "I'm..." "I'm just saying that you did the best you could." "How the hell do you know?" "Actually, I don't." "But I am something of an expert on where girls go wrong." "And when they start sleeping around, it's usually a daddy thing." "At least in my experience." " Thanks for trying to cheer me up, Charlie." " You're welcome." "But you can stop now, because it ain't your forte." "I'll tell you whose fault it is." " Ronald Wiedermeier." " Who?" "The sleaze ball who pollinated my little flower then disappeared like cupcakes at a pot party." "Damn that Ronald Niedermeier." " Wiedermeier." " Him too." "I'll tell you, I'm not gonna let him get away with it." "Good for you." "Guys like that need to know that there's consequences to their actions." "They need to learn that women are people with feelings." "They're not just vaginas that talk." "Vaginas that talk?" "Damn that Ronald Wiedermeier." "You may be a pig, but in this case you're right." "Thank you." "What did I say?" "We need to teach Mr. Wiedermeier a lesson." " I don't think I said that." " Come on." "No, really." "I'm almost positive I didn't say that." "You know, I still have to pee." "Where the hell are we?" "It's called Rancho Pacoima." "It's very brown." "Yeah." "Not much grows here except meth labs and cold sores." "Just out of curiosity what are we hoping to accomplish here with this Ronald guy?" "Well, in a perfect world he'd dump his wife and marry my little hosebag." "But I'll settle for him stepping up and paying for his mistake." "And if he declines?" "That's why I brought you." "Me?" "All I could do at this point is pee on his rug." "You still have to go?" "Well, yeah, it doesn't evaporate." "Can't we pull over for a minute?" "In this neighborhood in a Mercedes?" "Sure, if you're partial to car theft and sodomy." " Take a left, right up here." " That's not a road." "Well, not during rainy season." "[THUDS]" "Oh, God." "I think I hit a dog." "Don't worry, it was just a rat." "It's okay, he's getting up." " What's this stuff called again?" " Vitamin E oil." "It feels really good." "[GROANS]" "[DOORBELL RINGS]" "Hi, Mom." "I'm ready to go." " Where's your father?" " He's in the den rubbing oil on Naomi." " Who's Naomi?" " Berta's daughter." "Your father's rubbing oil on a woman in front of you?" "No, I couldn't watch." "It was too creepy." "Well, we'll just see about that." "Oh, and by the way, I found out why I get bad grades." "It's all your fault." " Why is it my fault?" " You know." "naomi:" "Oh, yeah, Alan." "[ALAN GROANS]" "Wait in the car." "Alan, what do you think you're doing?" "Oh, hi." "Naomi was worried about stretch marks." "I was showing her how vitamin E can prevent them." "Then you walked in and that's pretty much it." " Oh, really?" " Yeah." "Why don't you pull up your top and let her check out your belly?" "I will not." " So he rubbed this on you too?" " Oh, he rubbed, all right." "But it was only to satisfy his own twisted needs." "Excuse me, you were the one who was constantly horny." "And you sure took advantage of it." "Hey, when the bar is only open nine months a decade, you drink till you puke." "And then you keep drinking." "Ha-ha." "That's funny." "Hey, buddy." "You're turning into quite the little ninja, aren't you?" " There's just one thing I don't understand." " What's that, honey?" "If you have sex with a pregnant lady, wouldn't she have twins?" "No." "Otherwise, I'd be having a whole damn litter." "A lot of cold medicine." "Guy must have allergies or something." "You don't watch 60 Minutes, do you?" "What?" " You Ronald?" " No." "WOMAN:" "Ronald, who is it?" "Damn it, Darlene." "We're incognito, remember?" " You cops?" " Yeah." "I'm Scully, this is Mulder." "Listen, can I use your bathroom?" "No, no." "It's not functioning correctly." "We use the Chevron up the block." " Bye." " No bye-bye." "Ronald, this is the deal." "You knocked up my little girl." "I wanna know what you're gonna do about it." " Well, that depends." " On what?" " Who's your little girl?" " Naomi." "Naomi." "Oh, I haven't seen Naomi in a real long time." "About eight, nine months?" "Yeah, that sounds right." "Ew." "WOMAN:" "Ronald?" "What's going on?" " Nothing, sweet cheeks." "Okay, look." "I'd like to keep this away from the missus." "She's a little volatile." "Hasn't slept really well." "You got a coffee can or a milk jug, I could go around back?" "No, no, it's a real mess back there." "WOMAN:" "Uh-oh." "Damn it, Darlene." "I told you not to smoke in there." "Well, I don't have to pee anymore." "Uh." "That feels so good." "[FARTS]" " Sorry." " No, no, no, don't be silly." "It's a natural bodily function." "The baby is pressing down on the intestines and... oh, dear Lord." "I'm sorry." " Oh, no, no." "No, it's all right." " Okay." "I'm used to it." "When my wife was pregnant... oh, that's got some hang time." "You are so sweet, Alan." "How come I've never met a man like you?" "Well, speaking on behalf of men like me, we don't get out a lot." "[FARTS]" "Sorry." "I'm not." "You know, these sweatpants are really comfortable." "That's because they're dry." "Boy, what a deal." " What did you call that place again?" " A swap meet." "Swap meet." "Well, aside from the exploding meth lab and peeing myself, this was a fun little trip." "I got the sweatpants, a bag of tube socks four DVDs and a corn dog all for 8 bucks." "Just a hint." "The corn dog will last longer than the socks." "naomi:" "Oh, God." "Oh, it's too big." " What the hell?" " Alan, you sick freak." "Naomi." " Oh, hi." "She's having a baby." "BERTA:" "Damn." "It's all right, honey." "Mommy's here." "Oh." "What?" "You never saw an angry one before?" " Out of the way, Zippy." " It's okay, I'm a chiropractor." "[SCREAMING]" "You got it." "It's okay, honey, that's it, now." "Take a big deep breath and push." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on, hold on." "Let me put down some tube socks." "Ignore him." "Come on." "Breathe." "Breathe." "Now, push." "Push." "Now, you listen up, Brittany Pam." "You're my last chance." "You're gonna go to college, you're gonna make something of yourself." "No getting knocked up by some greasy tweaker from Rancho Pacoima." "Oh, gee, Mom, about that." "I've kind of been counting back the weeks and Ronald can't be the daddy." "What?" "Yeah, see, he was in a burn unit at the time." "He wanted to, but his skin just kept sliding off." "Oh, God, here comes the corn dog." "So who is the father?" " Well, I got it narrowed down." " Oh, dear Lord." "I'll know for sure if she starts speaking Spanish." "But we just shook down Ronald for $5000." "We?" "You were hiding behind the car pulling off your wet undies." "Make yourself comfortable." "The doctor will be right in." "[GROANS]" "Come on, freako." "You are absolutely radiant." "Best of luck." " Thanks." " Sorry about your couch." "Good news, honey." "I got you $4000." "[ENGLISH SDH]"