"(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)" "Is this the one where John Wayne has to go and find Natalie Wood?" "No, that's The Searchers." " She drowned, you know." " What?" "She drowned, I'm saying." " In this?" " In real life." "Every bloody week." "She was married to him out of Heart To Heart." "Cannae mind his name." "Was it Sterling Hayden?" "No, he didnae pay his taxes." "Like Josef Locke." "Ken Dodd was the same." "It's not right, you know." "Was it Dana Andrews who was married to..." "Oh, Jesus, I'm gonna have to shoot myself." "Here, keep your voices down, eh?" " Some of us are here to watch a picture." " Aye." "Aye, man, so is we." "Was it Robert Stack?" "No, he was Eliot Ness." "Oh, that's gonna annoy me." "(SHUSHING)" "Here." "Ham and mustard without butter." "There's butter on this." "Is there?" "I'm sure I put the buttered ones at the bottom." "There's definitely butter on this, and you know I don't take butter." "I know." "That's why I put them at the bottom." "That's not like me." "I cannae see if these have butter on them or not." "It's too dark." "Nay butter." "Butter." "All right?" "MAN 1: (ON SCREEN) I'll never speak..." "Here, Jack, this is the bit with the hot poker." "(IMITATING POKER HISSING)" "MAN 2: (ON SCREEN) Where is the silver, Doc?" "I will not ask again." "Robert Wagner." "Morning, earring lady with your big hoops." " You hate the Thursday, don't you?" " Beg your pardon?" "On a Thursday, when I come in for my pension." "I don't know what you're talking about." "Oh, yes, you do." "It's written all over your face." "It's as if my pension was coming out of your own purse." "You resent it." "You having to work, and me getting free money." " That's ridiculous." " No, it isnae." "Now, can I have my free money?" "I'm afraid I can't, Mr Ingram." "Your money's been stopped." " What?" " We've got a note from the DSS." "Your payments have been suspended pending an investigation." " Who's next?" " Don't "who's next?" me." "Give me my money." "Step away from the window, Mr Ingram." "Now, if this is because I was offhand earlier, then I apologise, but I've no got any money to do me." "I need my money." "You'll need to speak to the DSS." "You're enjoying this, aren't you, you circus freak?" "(MIMICKING WOMAN) "You'll need to speak to the DSS." "We've no money to..."" "I'm sorry." "Give me my money!" "I'm sorry." "No." "You're lucky that glass is there!" "Because, see, if it wasnae," "I would bring Joe there and pull they hoops right oot your lugs like the shower scene frae Psycho!" "Pull, pull!" " (CLEARING THROAT) Right." "You..." " Jack, let me handle this." " What's your name, son?" " Simon." "Oh, Simon, it's normally Peter we deal with on a Tuesday." "He's not back until Thursday." "We swapped shifts." "Oh, you swapped." "There you are, then." "We would like a refund for the 12:00 pm showing of Rio Bravo." " I'm sorry?" " There was a silly old bastard sitting two seats..." "Jack, please." "Our viewing pleasure was interrupted during said matinee by a rather loud, deaf old bastard." " We'd therefore be grateful..." " Give us our money back." "I'm afraid I cannae do that." " How?" " Jack, please." " How?" " It's not policy." "I can give you a credit note that allows you into another screening." "What's showing?" "Gigi á la boucherie." "What's that?" "It's French." "Subtitles." " Is there any Red Indians in it?" " No." " Is John Wayne in it?" " No." " Gie us my money back." " I cannae." "Peter would've given us our money back." "Peter knows us." " Well, I'm no Peter." " No, you're Simon, eh?" "Stupid, bad, smelly, spotty, specky Simon, with boils all over your back, no doubt!" "Aye, Simon the prick!" "Aye!" "Gie us my money back or I'll come round there and I'll burst every one of they boils on your back." "Aye, you prick." "There." "Now piss off!" "Thanking you." "Simon, what cowboy movies are on next week?" "(MUTTERING)" " Tam." " Hello, Victor, Jack." "Oh, Christ." "Where are you going?" "Oh, I'm a regular in here frae now on." "Yeah, but you don't even like the movies." "I do when they're for nothing." " What's that?" " GFT platinum pass." "They ran a competition in last month's brochure and I won it." "(CHUCKLING)" " Jammy bastard." " (TUTTING) Jammy nothing." "This wasnae some stupid draw at a daft tombola." "No, no." "You had to compose the winning entry." ""Describe, in 12 words or less, why you love the GFT."" ""The only flicks I want to see are showing at the GFT."" " Oh, that's good, eh?" "Aye." " Very, very good, aye." " So, you get to see free films for a year then, eh?" " Mmm-hmm." "And on entry, a complimentary soft drink." "Coca-Cola, Diet Coca-Cola, Irn-Bru, Fanta, 7Up." "Your choice of hotdogs, nachos." "And get this." "The knockout punch." "A family-size bag of Maltesers or Revels." " Oh, well, uh..." "Well done, Tam." " Aye, aye." "See you." " Well done, Tam." " Enjoy the show, Tam." " Have a nice time, Tam." " Aye, aye." " Smug prick." " I've hated him." "Of all the tight-fisted arseholes to get a freebie, it had to be him, eh?" "I've never been one for competitions." "He's competition daft." "He has been for years." "We should do that, you know what I mean, Jack?" "I mean, it's hardly Burns, is it?" ""The only flicks I want to see..."" "I reckon I could top that, aye." ""Join us at the GFT, run by a prick who's spotty and specky."" "(STUTTERING) Specky." "(MUTTERING)" "Here we are." "Just the ticket." "Right." "Oh, Richard, you look lovely." "Cup of tea, cream cracker and cheese," "Richard and my wee doo-dah." "Right." "(DOORBELL RINGING)" "Oh, blast it." "Shite!" "Don't think you're off the hook, my sweet." "I'll be back for you." "Jesus, Mary and Joseph!" "(ECHOING) Isa." "Isa." "Are you all right?" "ISA:" "Harry, is that really you?" "Aye, hen, it's me." "I've come home." "Oh, Harry." "(ISA SOBBING)" "5:00 at Haydock." "What's the outsider?" " Where the hell were you?" " Me?" "Yeah, this morning at the pictures." "Rio Bravo show." "Och, I've mair to annoy me." "Daft pictures." "Oh, aye." "Who you backing, Winston?" " Sleight of Hand." " Sleight of Hand, Sleight..." "Jesus!" "That's 50-1." "So?" "So you've never backed a 50-1 on your puff." "Aye, well, I'm feeling lucky." "That horse will go like the wind." "Aye, it should do." "Now that it's not pulling a rag-and-bone cart." "Here, are you off your nut?" "That there's glue with a jacket on it." "Well, I'm having Victor's Hope, 4-1." "Gie us the odds, Stevie." "That's a donkey." "Fast Forward's your baby." "Even money, that's worth 50 bob." "Oh, it's yourself." "Enjoy the movie?" "It was smashing, Jack." "Aye, smashing." "Here you are, Steve." "Bit of luck there, just under the wire, eh?" "Oh." "COMMENTATOR: (ON TV) And it's a beautiful day at Aintree as they get under way." "The going is perfect for this kind of race." "Everyone away, quickly and safe." "(LAUGHING) Sleight of Hand!" "It's gonna need some sleight of hand to catch up on that field." "They've crossed the first bend nicely." "Back together." "Victor's Hope Just starting to nose out now with Colin Christie and Fast Forward following." "Coffee House now showing a bit of interest, moving away from the pack." "And bringing up the rear, that old campaigner, Sleight of Hand." "Looking a lot... (MURMURING) ... stormed home to take the Scottish Champion Hurdle way back in..." "My goodness me... (ALL LAUGHING)" "Fancy Thing Just a tad early." "Only two horses in it now as we approach the final three fences." " Victor's Hope..." " Come on, there, Victor's Hope." "Come on, there." " I can tell you now, Sleight of Hand is..." " Still strong now, Fast Forward." "The whip's out..." "Come on there." "Come on, Fast Forward!" "Victor's Hope and Fast Forward neck and neck now..." "Oh, Jesus!" "Sleight Of Hand is trying to edge between them." " Come on, Victor's Hope!" " Come on!" "Oh, Sleight of Hand has gone down!" "ALL:" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "And Coffee House comes through to take it." "Colin Christie second, Darcy's Folly takes third." "Quite a sight." "Good news, though." "Fast Forward is up as is Victor's Hope." "Both riders are well." "But bad news for Sleight of Hand." "Oh, really bad news for the old timer." "They're putting the sheet round now." "(GUN FIRING ON TV)" "Nobody likes to see this." "Piss off." "I only backed the thing." "I don't own it." "Can I get anybody a tea, or maybe a coffee?" "You dirty, jammy bastard." "Was that with you?" "Yeah, L5, 10-1." "Sweet as a nut." "It's a horseshoe up his arse, that boy's got." "I don't mind the fella having a bit of luck." "But it's the smugness that accompanies it with that bastard." " Why don't we get a pint?" " Aye, suits me." "You wanna get a pint..." "Winston." "What's up with him?" "So are you going for a pint, Tam, with your winnings?" "Oh, I'd like to help you out, boys, but I'm up the road." "I've got another competition-winning entry to fill in." "Is that all you do all day, just sitting with a wee pen, coming up with limericks for competitions?" " You like this watch, Victor?" " Aye, it's lovely, aye." "Why?" "One of only 25 given away." "The question, 20 words or less, "Why wear a Timex?"" "My answer... (CLEARING THROAT)" ""Time is such a precious thing with chances sometimes missed." ""Never lose a moment, wear a Timex on your wrist."" "(ALL MURMURING IN WONDER)" " Deserving of a watch." " That's his, all right." "So what's the next thing you're trying to win?" "Fifty-two weekend breaks." "Coastal hotels, four star or more." "Quite a pretty package, eh?" "So what products are you going to bum up then, Tam?" "I'd tell you, but then you'd be competition to me." " Good night, boys." " Good night." " I'd love a wee coastal break." "Would you not?" " I certainly would." "Meena, I need to buy mair scones." "(SPEAKING PUNJABl)" "Tam bought the last of them 'cause there's a competition on the back of them." "(SPEAKING PUNJABl)" "Meena, I don't know." "(SPEAKING PUNJABl)" "Just because, Meena... (SPEAKING PUNJABl)" "Meena, this conversation is crushing my soul." "Just get off your hole and order mair scones." " Oh, hello, Isa." " Hello, Navid." "Pack of links, please." "Links?" "You don't eat links." "They give you the heartburn." "They're no for me, they're for my man." "Your man?" "Harry?" "He's back?" "Aye, showed up this morning." "Six year he's been gone." "Without a word, and then..." "Boof!" "He's at the door." "Boof, huh?" "I hate boof." "Going along nicely, minding your ain business, and then... (CASH REGISTER BEEPING)" "Boof." "Aye." "You sure you know what you're doing?" "I think so." " Hi, Isa." " Hello, Isa." " What's up with her?" " Her man's back." "Eh?" "That bastard." "What does he want now, eh?" "Mair money, is it?" "He's of nae use to her." "Left her potless." "Poor soul." "She's a daft cow if she's taking him back." "Hey, hey, show a little compassion." "Life's not all black and white." "It's a hard job for a woman to get through the rest of her life alone." "You got any stuff in here with competitions on the back?" " Aye, prizes and that." " Aye." "Aye, scones, but Tam's got them all." "What does he want with them all?" "He's trying to increase his chance of winning." "It's a multiple-entry scenario." "Bastard." "So, that's us sconeless, eh?" "No, no." "Nip across to Singh's." "He'll have them." "He could do with the business." "Ever since I renovated, I've been kicking his arse." "Throw the poor bastard a bone, you know." "(BOTH MUTTERING)" "Pays to be nice like that..." "I would mind and check the sell-by dates." "His shelves are right full of foosty pish." "Right." "A year ago, you had a knee injury." "Yes, that's right." "It was like a watermelon." "Aye." "And you were retained in the Outpatients Department at the Royal Infirmary?" "Yes, good people working under shite conditions." "Well, as long as you were retained in the hospital, you did qualify for invalidity." "However, they informed us that they gave you the all clear... six months ago." "Uh-huh." "And yet you continued to claim." "As a result, we've stopped your money until such times as we recoup the overpayments." " What?" " We've stopped your money, Mr Ingram." "Stopped my..." "You're enjoying this, aren't you?" "(SIGHING)" " It's nice to have you back, Harry." " It's nice to be back, Isa." "What are you smiling for?" "Everybody calls me the gossip." "We'll be the talk of the steam of the day." "You and me." ""Isa's man's back." "Oh, really?" "Just oot of the blue."" "Where have you been, Harry?" "You're entitled to ask me that question, Isa, for I've robbed you of six years." "And I really feel that, Isa." "I really do." "Let's just say I've been down every road and highway." "And I'll tell you something, Isa sweetheart, all roads lead back to ye." "Any mair bacon?" "It's an absolute disgrace, this is!" "It's a police state." "That's what it is." "There's some poor old bugger getting bodily flung out of the DSS offices out there." "It'll be some dodgy bastard at the rob." "Ah, nae doubt claiming money they're not entitled to." "Scones." "Scones." "Scones!" "What do they mean to you, Jack, eh?" "15 words or less, mind." "Scones are quite the big favourite of mine, with raisin and plain." "When I nick over to the shops in the afternoon..." "Fifteen words, Jack." "That's the Gettysburg Address!" "Aye." "Right enough." "It's got to be short and sweet, hasn't it?" "It's got to be dripping with cleverness, aye?" ""Would you like a scone?" "I don't mind if I do."" "No, that's no really, umm... good." "No." "What about this?" "Where's my scone?" "Where's my scone?" "Oh, here it is, next to the phone." "Did you leave it by the phone?" "No, I'm trying to rhyme "scone" and "phone", you see." "Oh!" "No." "No." "It's coming, it's coming, it's coming." "I've got it." "I've got it." " Sconeo!" "Oh, Sconeo!" " Oh!" "Nice touch." "Italian." "Sconeo!" "Oh, Sconeo!" "How I wish that you were mine." "Lying on a tea plate covered in margar-ine." "No, no, no." "Scones, they are quite smashing." "They also are delicious." "I keep them in that cupboard there, right beside the dishes." " Jesus, Jack." " What?" "Nobody's interested in where you keep your scones." "It's far too bloody personal!" "It's got to be about how good scones are." "Well, I said they were smashing." "Aye. "And really quite delicious."" "I'm fed up of this." "Oh!" "A scone and tea at half past three makes the day a little brighter." "Keep your cakes and fancy tarts..." " And stick them up your shiter!" " And stick them up your shiter!" "Eleven pence." "Jesus." "Right, a wee bit of stout for Bob here." "Wait." "Well, it's just a gift I have, you see." "My father was quite the wordsmith and all." ""Ah." "Bisto!" That was one of his." "So you could just come up with fancy phrases for anything, aye?" "Aye." "Just about." "Products and such." ""The car in front's a Toyota."" "Och away." "That was Saatchi  Saatchi." "Well, that's right, and they stole it off me." "That was my competition entry." "But can you imagine me, old Tam, up against the likes of them and their team of lawyers trying to prove it?" "Ah, it was David and Goliath stuff." "Pure David and Goliath." "Well, you know... (ALL CHATTERING)" "What about this lighter?" "Can you gie us one about a lighter?" " Oh, no, I'd..." " Come on." "Aye, all right." "Fire." "Man's oldest flame." "(ALL EXCLAIMING)" "Hey, hey, hey, tea." "One good urn deserves another." "A chocolate bar." " Type?" " Toblerone." "Swiss bliss." "(ALL EXCLAIMING)" "Bonnets." "Hatisfaction guaranteed." "(ALL CHATTERING)" "What's all the bloody noise?" "Oh, Tam." "Genius." "Bloody genius." " Hey, Victor, Jack." " Tam." "Navid tells me you're gunning for me in a scone competition." "That's correct." "Yes." "You got your winning phrase yet, have you?" "Time's marching on." "We're still working on it." "We've nearly got it locked down." "Good for you, good for you, aye." "You want to run it by me and I'll score it out of 10?" "Get it up ye." "We'll know who's won next week." "Oh, Jesus." "I'll get them in, sweetheart." "Have a seat." " Lovely, Harry." " Isa, could you..." "Oh, aye." "Here ye are." "Jack, Victor." " Harry." " Harry." "So you're back then." "What happened?" "Did you run out of money?" "Or did she turf you oot?" "We're just in for a drink, Victor." "I'll have you know you broke that woman's heart." "We're not gonna stand by and watch you do it twice." "Oh, how's that?" "'Cause if it happens again, you'll have us to deal with." " What, you two old duffers?" " No, the lot of us." "Let's keep it friendly, lads." "Well, Isa's happy." "That's all that matters, eh?" "Somebody phone the polis." "It's Lord Lucan." "I should've tippled." "Shergar's parked outside." " That's enough, Winston." " Shut up, you." "You shouldnae be bloody serving him." "Isa, have you lost your marbles taking him on again?" "Right, Winston, that's plenty." "Victor and I have dealt with him." "Oh, you've dealt with him." "Well, how come he's not got two black eyes?" "Prick." "Right, you." "Pie and beans and a half of lager." "L1.80." "(BOTTLES CLINKING)" " Nine gingies." " For God's sake." "And a packet of dry roasted." "Piss off." "I don't take gingies." "How no?" "You sell ginger." "Aye, in cans." "Oot." " Winston, let us." " No, thank you, Victor." "This is a point of principle." "Get they gingies took!" "(BOTTLES SHATTERING)" "Jammy bastard." "(MUTTERING)" "S'gone." "You see, I don't even know what that means." "He's wolfed it." "Therefore, it's away." "S'gone." "It's no there." ""S'gone."" "Oh, aye." "Very clever." "What an arsehole." "Oh, swallow your pride, gentlemen." "Sometimes less is more." "You were bettered by a superior catchphrase, which is both simple and elegant." " That's no better than ours, Navid." " Remind me." "S'gonnae no dae that!" "Oh, dear Christ, no." "That is so yesterday." "Even the kids have chucked that in." " Anyway, are you buying this paper?" " No, it's a lot of shite, it's all adverts." " Winston was in earlier." " Oh, aye?" "Aye, asking for tick." " And?" " And he received the stock reply." ""Please do not ask for credit as a boot in the tea-towel holder often offends."" "So you're saying he left here with nothing?" "No, I let him have a tin of cat food." "Winston doesnae have a cat." "I cannae believe it's come to this." "Oh, well, here goes." "Eight out of ten pensioners prefer it." "(DOORBELL RINGING)" "Lads." "We've come at a bad time, have we?" "No, no, I was just about to sit down to some lunch." "And what are you doing after?" "Gonna leap up on the sideboard and lick your balls?" "Eh?" "We know about the cat food." "What the bloody hell are you playing at?" "If you wanted a dig oot, you should've come and asked us." "No, no." "A man must live within his means." "Winston, have you any idea what's in cat food?" "Aye." "Liver and marrow and..." "L500." "With a free tin and all." "Well, that was fantastic, eh?" "500 quid." "You can buy yourself a new litter tray and possibly a wee food bowl." "A wee scratching post." "Aye." "And one of they wee diamond collars that they all wear, ah?" " A wee name tag, Jack. "Winston."" " Shut up." "Hey, why don't I buy youse some lunch." "Well, look at that." "That's funny, ain't it?" "Now that is clever." ""S'gone." You see, it's so tasty, it's away." "Who is it that comes up with that stuff?" "That's put me in the mind for one." "I want to have one for my lunch." "(SNIFFLING)" "Isa." "What's the matter, darling?" "I came in here for a spot of lunch with Harry." "Where is he, hen?" "He went to the loo about half an hour ago." "I've just checked there." "He must've snuck oot." "My purse is away." "That bastard!" "Ye can hardly be surprised now, can ye?" "No, I suppose not." "Here." "You want to sit with us for a wee while?" "Aye." "That'll be lovely, Jack." " Plenty mair fish in the sea, eh?" " Aye." "Plenty mair fish in the sea." "JACK:" "What do you make of that prick, eh?" "Running out of the lavvy." "Stealing her bloody purse." "I know." "He's a useless deadbeat, isn't he?" " It's a waste of..." " HARRY:" "Help!" "Gie us a hand!" "Harry, is that you?" "Gie us a dig oot!" "Aye..." "Nae bother, Harry." "We'll give you a wee shove." "Aye, we'll give you a push, Harry." "(GROANING IN AGONY)"