"Previously on House of Lies..." "I know you got a day job, but I'd like for you to advise the campaign." "I represent the Kohl brothers." "Cha-ching." "We could be there" " for Phoebe in a very real way." " Fuck yeah." "Assuming your ex-wife" " doesn't win the offer first." " Correct." "We're gonna blow her right out of the water." "We screw people over all the time, but if we're just gonna hand the whole thing over to Skip Galweather, what's the point?" "The point is money, Jeannie." "Skip just called, and the Kohl brothers are going with Monica." "Until they sign on that dotted line, we can still win this thing." "You still have a connection in Cuba, right?" "I don't know if Cuba's ready for the Kohl brothers." "Let's make 'em ready." "You're creeping me out." "What's up?" "Seth Buckley is leading the polls, and by extension..." "Your penis?" " My penis." " What a shock." "Slapping around that boy band has turned Seth into a social media sensation." "Can I give you a little word of advice, Clyde?" "I really came in here to gloat." "I don't care about your advice." " Proceed with caution, my friend." " Okay." "Social media can be a fickle mistress." " Mm-hmm." " One minute, you're being called the King of the TED Talk, and the next, VagBreath69 is telling you to" ""choke on a druid's cock."" "This is the exact type of break we needed." "See, people are taking a closer look at him." "Seth Buckley is going to be the new mayor." "And VagBreath69 is going to be his chief economic advisor." "Fucking knew it was you." "Marty!" "Clyde's been saying mean things about me on social media again." "I have." "Aw." "Isn't this nice?" "Couple of co-workers just easing into their morning." "Yeah." "Maybe reading an online article or two." "Sippin' a nice cup of joe." "You know what?" "I've actually recently switched to tea, and I got to say, digestively speaking..." "Pretty certain we're about to get yelled at, Douglas." "What the fuck is wrong with you guys?" "Should I move away from you?" " If you cherish your life." " Yeah." " Of course." "I apologize." " Why haven't I gotten the PowerPoint on the fucking Cuba pitch?" " I e-mailed it to you yesterday." " Well, I haven't gotten it." "'Cause the Internet in this building is fucked." " Doug..." " I-I'm on it, Marty." "I've e-mailed I. T. a bunch of times," "I haven't heard anything..." "E-mailed." "Where's my head?" "I'll call them." "In the meantime, I guess, I'll just go sit in my office in front of the computer and wait for the thing." "All right." "We'll be in touch." "Wow, you don't see it coming again?" "Or you dickheads could pitch it to me right the fuck now!" "Cuba strategy for the Kohl brothers." "Let me hear it." "With the trade ban lifted, demand for hotel inventory is about to shoot through the motherfucking roof." "That's 1.5 million American visitors per year, trying to fit into 60, 000 hotel rooms." "Yeah, resort development is the tip of the spear." "Okay?" "If they can establish a foothold in Cuba, the Kohl brothers can extend their tentacles into many arenas, such as..." "Agriculture, energy, polymers and paper." "A vast, untamed frontier, just off the coast of Florida." "Kohl brothers are gonna eat this shit up." "Now, the tricky part is gonna be navigating Cuban bureaucracy, but Ron Zobel's" " got that covered, right?" " He better." "Hey." "So guess who called in sick again?" "Fucking nanny." "Did she do the whole, like, voice with the cough, like..." ""Oh, I don't want to get Phoebe sick."" "No, she went with stomach flu." "I think she knows we're hip to the fake cold." "Is that Jeannie?" "Hello, Jeannie." "Yeah, Ron Zobel says hi." "Yeah, I heard." "So I checked around and I got no hits on a replacement sitter." "I think I'm just gonna take a mommy-daughter day." "Yeah, that sounds good." "Uh, give Phoebe a kiss for me, okay?" "You do the same with Ron Zobel." "Ron." "Just the man I was looking for." "Oh, you want me to double my output of PSLs?" "PSLs?" "Pumpkin spice lattes." "No." "Uh, I'm good there." "Listen, I was wondering about your Cuba contact." " Mm-hmm." " Has he been able to arrange a sit-down?" "Yeah, one second, because, you know, this requires focus, and you do not want to over-cinnamon, Martin." "God, no." "So, Ron?" "Yeah, Orozco and I have already had our preliminary discussions." "Man, you really need to taste this." "I don't want a fucking latte." "Because if you've only ever had the kind from Starbucks, man..." "Ron, just how preliminary have these discussions been?" "Yeah." "I have not broached the topic of K and A's interest in Cuba." "Great." "I mean, no sweat." "Not like there's a ticking clock on this fucking thing." "Listen, I know you're looking to get Skip's dick hard about Cuba ASAP." "But listen to me, I have put major time and resources into cultivating Orozco, predating my employment here." "You hedgey motherfucker." "Come on." "I mean, obviously," "I know it'll be a huge win if we can parlay Cuba into an offer from the Kohls to buy K and A." "Yeah." "Because you'd be sitting in the captain's chair, right?" "If the sale goes through." "But if not, I need some guarantee." "Um, how about I guarantee I will stomp a mud hole in your ass if you don't get this guy on the phone right fucking now." "Is that the kind of guarantee you're looking for, Ron?" "I was thinking more like a larger equity piece." "I fucking swear..." "You know I've been a good soldier." "Okay?" "And I've eaten a lot of shit from you." " Yeah." " Yeah." "But don't confuse me with being a patsy." "Do you understand?" "Cuba moves forward on my terms or not at all." "We clear?" "Don't forget to breathe." "That's the way." "Five, four, three, two, one." "Right back into standing crunches." "Five, four, three, two, one." "Almost there." " Ha, yeah, Phoebe." " Two more left." "Work those baby abs." "Here we go." "Five, four..." "No, you absolutely do not spark joy, dress." "No." "No." "No." "No." "Oh!" "Ow." ""What does your favorite ice cream say about your sexual prowess?"" "Give me a break." "There's a fly in here." "Phoebe, there's a fly!" "How does Rocky Road make me a wet noodle?" "Phoebe." "Wake up." "Wake up, you lazy bum." "Phoebe, Phoebe, Phoebe, Phoebe." "Are you fucking kidding me?" "Okay, well... we dropped Mommy's stuff off at the dry cleaner." "We got you shoes." "Where should we go now?" "I asked you a question, young lady." "Oh, well, if that's your attitude, I guess we won't go anywhere." "What did you say?" ""I said I think you should go to a bar and drink until you pass out."" "Phoebe!" "That's horribly irresponsible." "It's not even noon." ""Don't be so locked into societal conventions."" "I am not locked in." ""I dare you."" "Oh, you dare me, do you?" "What...?" "Are you leaving?" "Yeah." "Yes." "Yes." "Sorry." "Shit." "You got a gnarly piece of malware here." "This is impressive." "Mm-hmm." "Can you fix it?" "That's above my pay grade." "You got to call Cisco Security." "You got to be kidding." "So coming down here was a complete waste of my time." " Great." " Well, I can tell you the infection point is a computer registered to a Douglas Guggenheim." "That's you, right?" " What?" " You know, they're not sending those sexy pics to you personally." "Uh... yeah." "No, I know that." "That's..." "Tho-Those, actually, those are from Marceline, and I knew a Marceline from college... uh, Harvard... and I always thought there was kind of an unresolved sexual tension between us." "What's the backstory on you clicking on "Quick Snatch Alert"?" "What the fuck?" "Don't sweat it, man." "You're into sex." "That's cool." "Yeah?" "Douche bag." "And the pediatrician said that she'd be happy if he never had a glass of juice in his life." "Which is funny." "When we were kids, I feel like all we did was drink juice." "Like, I grew up on apple juice and orange juice." "Do you remember that, like, concentrated can of orange juice you could just mix with water?" "And it was fine for our parents." "Marty, what a lovely surprise." "How's work?" "How are the kids?" "Listen, I need for you to arrange a meeting for me with the Kohl brothers." " Getting right down to it, huh?" " Yeah." "I know that your guys are all about untapped markets." "Hey, Marty, did you ever watch Gilligan's Island?" "Did I ever watch Gilligan's Island?" "What?" "Man, I loved that show." "There was this one episode where this Japanese sailor gets washed up onshore." "He was played by this white actor." "Coke-bottle glasses and "ching chong" accent." " Oh." " Super racist." " Yeah, hilarious." " Uh, well, anyway, he imprisons the castaways because, get this, he still thinks it's World War Two." "It's 1965; the war's been over for 20 years!" " Nobody told the guy." "Yeah." " Nobody told the guy." "Take off the Coke-bottle glasses, Hirohito." "War's over." "You lost, move on." "When the Kohl brothers hear what I have to pitch," " they're gonna be all over it." " No, no, no, no." "You're not quite getting it." "I'm gonna speak slowly." "This was never a real competition." "So whatever "Hail Marty" you're planning on throwing, don't bother, because it won't change a goddamn thing." "Why?" "Because I've got my thumb..." "boom... on the scale, and..." "I don't want you to win." "So all that sweet talking you were doing at the beginning, that was just bullshit?" "Well, no." "But then you actually started to want it, and I couldn't resist picking up that football." "I'm Charlie Brown?" "I'm Charlie Brown?" "Ah, yeah." "Ha, ha, ha." "Okay, well, it's always a pleasure to see you, Skip." "I will send you a box of cigars when I am building hotels with Marriott in Cuba." "Wait, what?" ""Wait, what?"" "Huh?" "That got your fucking attention, didn't it?" "That's right, Uncle Marty has a plan that is gonna make the Kohl brothers' Havana Nights wet dream a reality." "Holy shit." "Cuba, that's, like, a billion-dollar opportunity." "I serve that up to the Kohls, they'll lift me up on my back and parade me through the streets!" "Viva la Galweather, baby!" "Monica already brought us Cuba this morning, slowpoke." "Oh, shit, did I yank away that football again?" "She's actually got a very smart plan, centering around resort development." "Once they have established a toehold in Cuba, the Kohl brothers can spread their many tentacles into other arenas." "Agriculture, energy, polymers and paper." "We'll look at the file trajectory, determine the extent of the malware compromise." "Hey, how's it going?" " Hey, guys." "How you doing?" " Hi." "All right, listen, if anyone asks, you're my cousin Edgar from out of town, okay?" "What?" "Why?" "Because I said so, Edgar." "Jesus." "Oh, hey!" "Holy shit." "I didn't, uh, think you'd be here." "I thought you were eating out today, JR." "No?" "Good." "Great." "Great, great, great to see you." "This is JR, my office mate, my pal, my mentee." " Not your mentee, Doug." " Well, doesn't matter." "Uh, JR, this is my cousin Edgar." "Um, Edgar grew up a couple towns over from me." "Spent our formative years together." "Even lost our virginity to the same girl." "Can you imagine?" "What was her name again?" "I don't remember." "You don't remember." "Classic Edgar." "Can I get on this computer?" "Yeah." "Oh, God, listen to him." "Straight off the plane, already has to check Facebook." "This guy, always with the status updates, huh?" "Sorry." " All right." " Nice meeting you." "You don't remember her name?" "Get your head in the game, Edgar." "Yeah!" "Okay, I like where your head's at." "Oh." "Guys." "Guys." "Yeah." "What the fuck are you doing?" "Oh, yeah, what are we doing?" "It seems that Ron hedged his bets and gave Monica our plan on Cuba." "So we are taking the measured response of trashing his office before we do the very same to him." "Marty, that... that doesn't make any sense." "Jeannie, if you're gonna try to stop us, you should keep in mind it is twice as much fun as it looks." "Marty, Marty." "Marty, Ron gave you the keys to Cuba, right?" "So... why would he do that if he's just gonna turn around and give them to Monica?" "I do not fucking know, Jeannie." "But what I know is that Skip fucking Galweather had details about Monica's plan that matched ours exactly." "So if you don't mind..." " Ha!" " No, no, no, no!" " God." " Um..." "Okay, look, I don't know if any of you heard that my cousin Edgar is visiting from out of town." "Truth is he's not really my cousin." "Yeah, I know that, Doug." "Well, sure, now that I told you." "Are you serious?" "No." "Hey, Doug?" "I think I might know how Monica figured out our plan." "Okay, your server was definitely compromised." "Jesus, Doug." "Of all the ways you could have fucked over this company..." "This is by far the least surprising." "Hey, let's not forget who brought Monica into our lives in the first place." "I mean, fucking Monica, right?" "So I'll run AMP to remove the malicious files." "No, no, wait, hold on, don't... don't do anything." "Just, um, leave it in place for now." "Monica can still read our e-mails." "Correct." "Which is something you could use to your advantage since she doesn't know you know." "Would you ever consider coming to work here, Bruce?" "I mean, we're gonna have an opening soon." "No, we're not." "He's joking." "He's kidding." "No, I-I..." "I understand how difficult it was for you to wrangle this meeting, and I-I appreciate it, but I'm not gonna call..." "I'm not gonna say it." "Um..." "You're the magic man." "Okay?" "Yep, there you go." "Bye-bye." "Um, was that the magic man?" "Seems that Ron was able to get us five minutes" " with the Kohl brothers." " What did you have to give up?" "You haven't grown too attached to Phoebe, have you?" "For five minutes with the Kohls?" "Phoebe who?" "Right?" "Oh, hey, Dad." "Hey, Jeannie." " What was that?" " What was what?" "Okay, y'all were watching some porn." "Okay." "You were supposed to be home an hour ago, you realize that?" "You know what, go do your homework, okay?" "Go on." "I'll go do my homework." " Good night, Roscoe." " You got it, Mr. Kaan." "I got you." "Good night, Jeannie." "Good, good." "It did not come off insanely paranoid." "Listen, Monica hacked into our server, okay?" "You think she's above pumping her own kid for some insider information?" "Phoebe and I had a pretty interesting day." " Yeah?" " Mm-hmm." "We went to the park." "And we saw this old man, who was, uh, in this amazing suit." "Like, a pin-striped." "Like, Yves Saint Laurent." "I don't know, I felt like he must have been, uh, a dynamo in '73." "And he... it was like he got all dressed up to go to work, and there was just no work to go to, so he... he sat down and fed the pigeons." "It's actually kind of sad." "Not for the pigeons." "Not for the pigeons." "Jeannie, we're not 83." " I know." " And if it gets to the point where, you know, we're buying birdseed..." "Obviously, it's not gonna get to the point where we're buying birdseed, but I just... you know, we've never had that kind of time before." "We get bored, we'll just go back to work." "Is that what you're planning on doing?" "Because I thought the whole point was that-that... that we're not supposed to jump right back in." "Okay, then we don't." "That..." "Okay." "Great." "Great." "So when would we be going?" "And how long will we be there?" "It's supposed to rain early next week;" "should I be packing an umbrella?" "I don't know, Douglas." "If it rains, you can always buy an umbrella in Cuba." "Can I?" "Uh, it's a communist country." "Are umbrellas even available?" "You know I can't think when I'm wet." "By the way, if you guys are going this week," "I will be joining late." "Campaign has a lot of big meetings about the shape of the administration, and Seth is gonna want my input." "Oh, well, if you're not going, maybe we should just skip the whole Cuba thing." "Yeah, you know what?" "Let's just cancel the Kohl brothers meeting, too." "Actually, Marty, you better call Monica, tell her we surrender." "You know what, fuck, before I forget." "'Cause we have to be so careful about our e-mail and everything," "I want to deliver this the old-fashioned way." "Douglas, for you." "Oh, my God, is that a snatch alert?" "Very funny, Clyde." " Very funny." " Mm." "Boy, you really want to open that thing, don't you?" " Huh?" " What is wrong with you?" "I'm not saying it definitely is, but there's a possibility that is an actual snatch alert." "Okay, you know what?" "I'm gonna put this exactly where it belongs." "Right here in the, uh... in the trash there." "Right there, yeah." "Okay..." "Oh." "You know what?" "I'll, um, I'll meet you downstairs." "I forgot to..." "Your snatch alert?" "Uh, oh, no, no, no!" "Last meeting didn't go as expected?" "When I was eight and Sean was nine, our father locked us in our room." "Told us there was only one candy bar." "Said whichever one of us was still standing in an hour got it." "What kind of candy bar?" "Doesn't matter." "We did that every night for a year." "That's a lot of candy." "Stop talking, Doug." "Humans are animals." "World is a jungle." "Our father wanted us to understand that." "We're not sitting here today if not for him." "Great man." " Oh, yeah." " Great man." "You can tell from that story that he sounds cool." "What's he up to?" "We're vigilant about not forgetting that lesson." "That's why you still beat the shit out of each other." "It's always nice to hold on to a piece of your childhood." "Are we done bullshitting?" "Thought we were talking about Cuba." "We are." "May we?" "Now, we understand that Monica Talbot made you a lot of big promises, but she doesn't have what we have." "An actual Cuban contact." "Excuse me." "I'm so sorry, Marty." "Am I interrupting?" "Marty, did you think" "I wasn't gonna find out?" "What is this?" "A little end-around?" "Little League." "Excuse me." "I'm so sorry." "I apologize." "I told him it was over." "Did you tell them why?" "You know, why you insisted on them spending $100 million dollars to buy Talbot amp;" "Company as opposed to us?" "You didn't tell them?" "That's fine." "I'll take care of it, Skipper." "You see, Skip thinks I'm an asshole." "And Skip is right." "He is." "Playing with other people's money just to pursue a personal vendetta?" "It's not cool, Skip." "Ain't cool, Skip." "You see, he doesn't really believe that Monica is the smarter play." "He's just upset because, a long time ago, I hurt his little feelings." "I chose Monica..." " You're a fucking pussy." " That's the word, yes." "I've been saying that for years, thank you." "I am not a pussy." "Look, I don't give a shit about you." "And I don't give a shit about the skinny girl with the whisper voice." "That's Monica." "I do give a shit about Cuba." "Our grandfather had substantial holdings there." "All repatriated after the revolution." "Fucking communists stole our birthright." "We're gonna take back what's ours." "For Paw-Paw." "For Paw-Paw." "For Paw-Paw." "For Paw-Paw!" "Whichever firm has the balls and the brains to help us make that happen that's who we buy." "This is great." "This is great." "Actually, but I just need you to shorten it." "So shorten it." "Shorter is always better." " Oh, there he is!" " Hey." "Next mayor of Los Angeles." "Hey, fingers crossed." "Hey, I'll meet you guys inside, okay?" "You what what I can't wait to do?" " Huh?" " Trade in my boring old scissors for those giant ribbon-cutting ones?" " Yes." " You know what I'm talking about?" " Yeah, of course." " You want to grab a chai tea?" "Yeah, you know what I was thinking?" "Post-election, first order of business." " If we attack strong..." " Whoa, slow down there, cowboy." "You're already talking like I'm gonna offer you a job." "I'm gonna offer you a job." "I figured you would." "Of course you got to meet with Josh DuVall first." "But that's just a formality." ""Josh DuVall"?" "Yeah, he's gonna be the executive director of my economic council." "He's great." "You're gonna love him." "And Cathy, too." "She's gonna be his deputy." "Josh and Cathy." "They sound good." "Wait a sec, you..." "you didn't think I was gonna..." "Clyde, you have no experience in politics." "Uh..." "Josh has been at this for 30 years." "What kind of mayor would I be if I chose you over him?" "I don't know... the kind that promised to shake things up?" "The kind who's gonna challenge the establishment with his bold new vision..." "do you remember that shit?" " You used to say that to me." " Hey." "You're still a baby bird, okay?" " Josh is gonna teach you how to fly." " Wow." "So I'll have his aide reach out and set up a time..." "You know what?" "I'm good." "Don't even worry about it." "I'm excellent." "I'm not even some..." "Oh, my..." "Po-cock!" "I'm a baby bird!" "It's happening." "I'm doing it!" "I'm flying!" "Oh, the view is amazing from up here!" "Good-bye, Seth!" "Good-bye!" "Whoa...!" "Okay, all right." " Whoa..." " All right, all right." "This is a gate change announcement for Flight 317." "Hey, Clyde, you're here." " Oh..." " Whoa, whoa, wait a minute!" "If you're here, who's running the city?" "Ha..." "All right, so I'm standing there with Seth, right?" " Uh-huh, right." " And he's offering me this huge position in his administration." "But all I could think about was" "I should be on that plane to Cuba." "'Cause at the end of the day," "I want to be with you guys." " Fuck, my face." " What?" " Goddamn it!" " Yuck." "The, uh, the last part, right?" "I was right there with you till that part." "I mean, I really thought you got the big job and then you were like, "I want to be with you guys."" "That's not how I sound like." " That was the thing..." " It was close!" "But that's not what I sound like." "God, was there ever even a Seth Buckley?" " Oh, my God." " Come on." "It's all good." "Hey, we're glad you're here." "Thanks, man." "Did you hear how I did that?" " I love the way you did that." " So smooth." " Oh." " Was it good?" " That was nice." "When the sale goes through... or if-if the sale goes through," "I was thinking," "I might want to take Phoebe to Rome." "I don't know." "I also," "I've heard that Denmark is really beautiful." "Regardless, we're gonna have to discuss how that affects our co-parenting." "Hello, Marty?" "Hmm?" "Uh, yeah..." "yeah, all that." "That you said, whatever, it's great." "Did you hear any of what I just said?" "No." "Why engage on this, right?" "Jeannie, we are orbiting the fucking payday to end all motherfucking paydays." "Please don't pick this particular moment to go scurrying down the rabbit hole." "Uh, trying to plan for my future is not scurrying down a rabbit hole, Marty." "We are far from done..." "you understand that?" "Okay, I need your head in the game if we're gonna win this thing." "You want to win this thing, right?" "I don't know." "Now, you don't want to win this thing?" "I didn't say I don't want to win it." "I just said I don't know." "Jeannie, we're not gonna end up on a fucking park bench." "Have you thought about it for one minute?" "Have you thought about what our lives would be like if this happens?" "Thank you." "Or what our-our daughter's life would be like if this happens?" "So we win." "Let's say we win, okay?" "Great, we win." "Monica's bleeding out." "We've pounded Skip into a fine dust." "Then what?" "We mix the dust and the blood, put it a goblet and drink it." "Uh..." "We are who we are." "Oh, that's profound." "And the payday of all motherfucking paydays, Marty, isn't going to change that." "The only thing that's gonna change is that we are not going to have our company." "And we have been through so much shit, and we've come out on the other side in, like, a pretty good place." "So..." "I'm just saying can we slow down for a minute and think about this?" "We're going 55 fucking thousand miles an hour toward Cuba right now, and you want to slow down and think about it." "What, what is it that you want?" "I need goddamn time."