"♪ Boy, the way Glenn Miller played ♪" "♪ Songs that made The Hit Parade ♪" "♪ Guys like us We had it made ♪" "♪ Those were the days ♪" "♪ And you knew Where you were then ♪" "♪ Girls were girls And men were men ♪" "♪ Mister, we could use a man Like Herbert Hoover again ♪" "♪ Didn't need No welfare state ♪" "♪ Everybody pulled His weight ♪" "♪ Gee, our old LaSalle Ran great ♪" "♪ Those were the days ♪" ""Aha..." ""Ahead..." "Ahoy"..." "Oh, hi, Ma." "Oh, Gloria, I'm glad you're home." "Maybe you can help me." "Sure, Ma." "What with?" "How do you spell "aa-ooga"?" "What?" "How do you spell "aa-ooga"?" "I've been looking it up in the dictionary, but they don't have it." "I don't think I ever heard that word before." "What do you need it for, Ma?" "I'm writing a true humorous anecdote for the Reader's Digest." "If they like it, they'll pay me $100." "Do you want to read it to me?" "Oh, no, it ain't good enough to read yet." "I just wrote it in pencil." "It'll be much better when I write it in pen." "Come on, Ma." "I want to hear it." "All right." ""Once upon a time, when I was 7 years old," ""my cousin Frank drove up in his new car, a used Hupmobile."" "Oh, I'll never forget that car." "It had a running board and a thermometer on the radiator cap" "Oh, yeah." ""Cousin Frank drove up and said," ""'Who wants to go for a ride?" "'" ""Well, of course, we all said, 'I do,'" ""so he cranked up the car, and the whole family piled in." ""'Here we go,' said Cousin Frank and... and blew his horn, 'aa-ooga.'"" ""Aa-ooga."" "Now, this is where you can help me, Gloria." "I can say "aa-ooga,"" "but I don't know how to write it." "Well, I'll help you with that later, but finish the story, Ma." "Okay." ""Cousin Frank started the car." ""Everybody cheered, 'Hooray,' and waved goodbye." ""We drove all the way up to the corner, and while we were still waving, the car broke down."" "And then what happened?" "Oh, lots, but it ain't funny." "I just wrote the funny part." "Do you like it?" "Oh, yeah, Ma, I like it." "Then why ain't you laughing?" "Oh, well, I" "I'm just kind of tired from work, but it was a funny story, Ma." "[CHUCKLES WEAKLY]" "Do we have any coffee?" "Oh, yeah, I just made some fresh." "Oh, I'll get it." "ARCHIE:" "Leave me alone, will you?" "Just get away from me." "No!" "You got to think about these things." "Why should I think about pollution?" "I'm used to it." "Ain't this nice?" "Both men coming home at the same time." "How was your day?" "Oh, it was rough, Ma" "Wait a minute." "She's asking me about my day, not yours." "Since when do you own the day?" "I had a day too." "But she's asking me about my day, right, Edith?" "EDITH:" "Oh, yeah." "I was going to ask you, Mike, but I was asking Archie first." "How was your day?" "I don't want to talk about it." "Oh." "Well, then, how was your day, Mike?" "Well" "Like all his other days." "Unemployed." "Look, Arch, don't start with me." "I had a rough day today and I don't need you" "[BOTH ARGUING LOUDLY]" "Stop it, both of you, stop it!" "Just once I'd like to leave work and enjoy a quiet evening at home." "Don't complain to me." "Complain to him." "I was coming home from work, feeling like the Bluebeard of happiness." "I meet this guy out in the street there and right away he starts an argument with me." "What are you talking about, Arch?" "I think we'll all feel better with a nice, hot meal." "I'll get dinner." "Hi, Michael, honey." "Hi, honey." "Aw, cut that out, will you?" "It sounds like a whole lot of used plumbing back there." "How did your day go today?" "Oh, I'm really tired, Gloria." "I had a tough exam, then I just spent three hours down at McGovern headquarters on the phone." "Oh, yeah, well," "I hear it takes a while to get through to the Kremlin." "Daddy, how many times have I got to tell you--?" "Gloria, Gloria, Gloria, that's all right." "That's all right." "Let him keep talking." "Maybe one of these days he'll say something intelligent." "[BLOWS RASPBERRY]" "Like that." "How crude, Daddy." "Dinner will be another five minutes, so I thought you'd like a beer." "Yeah, all right, just leave it there, will you?" "Look at these damn bills here." "Consolidated Edison." "Here's one." "The phone company." "The water bill here." "Look at this, $16.80." "Lucky me." "I got the only Polack who showers regularly." "Here's a dime, Arch." "Oh, a dime ain't gonna pay for all of your showers." "No, but it'll pay for yours." "Shut up." "Come on, Arch, why are you uptight?" "Took your mind off the bills, didn't it?" "Here's something for you here, and wouldn't you know, eight cents postage due." "Even his mail is on the cuff, Edith." "Oh, boy." "Will you go get supper on the table, huh?" "Gloria, let's set the table." "All right, Ma." "Hey, Gloria..." "I inherited $500." "What?" "What's that?" "You inherited $500?" "Yeah, my Uncle Alex died." "Who's Uncle Alex?" "Well, the last time I saw him," "I was around 8 years old." "He was the first Stivick to come over from Poland to America." "He made it big here and he sent money for my father to come over." "Ain't that interesting, Archie?" "If it wasn't for his Uncle Alex," "Mike would be in Poland right now." "Out of respect for the dead, I ain't going to say nothing." "Michael, this check is only for $275." "Yeah, well, it explains here that they took out the difference to recover my uncle's back taxes." "Oh." "Gee, almost half." "I don't believe it." "Wow." "I never thought I'd live to see the day when the meathead would have a tax problem." "See, that's the difference between you and me, Arch." "I don't mind paying taxes if I know that the money's going to be used for good things." "But do you know what Nixon's going to do with my money?" "He's going to use it to buy a bomb and blow up a Vietnamese village." "That's for your protection, buddy." "You want them gooks riding the subways with you?" "That's right, Arch." "That's every Oriental's dream, to ride the I.R.T." "Michael, $275 is a lot of money." "Are we going to save it or spend it?" "Well, I don't know." "I got to think about it." "Uh, yeah, well, maybe I could help you with that problem." "Why don't you look around, see?" "And find out if you owe anybody anything." "And then pay that person." "I don't owe anybody, Arch." "Ho, ho, ho, ho!" "What about your landlord, which happens to be I?" "What about living here free, room and board, for two years?" "Not to mention the depreciation on your bedroom up there." "Arch, I've been keeping a record of every penny I owe you, but don't you remember the deal?" "I stay here till I finish school and get a job, and then I'll pay you back, with interest." "By the time that happens," "I'll be rooming with your Uncle Alex." "Look, Arch..." "Arch, believe me, if there was an emergency here," "I'd give you this check without thinking twice about it, but right now," "I'd like to use the money for something special." "Something special?" "What?" "Well, like, uh..." "Like getting Gloria that winter coat she's been needing." "Oh, Michael, really?" "Yeah." "Oh, thank you, honey." "Oh, beautiful, beautiful." "A winter coat." "How much is that going to take?" "I don't know." "How much?" "Uh, around $80." "$80." "Well, all right, what are you going to do with the other 'round about $200?" "Well, that I'd like to use for something really important." "Like what?" "Like giving it to the McGovern campaign." "Are you kidding me?" "No, I'm not kidding, Arch." "There's a real emergency." "Don't you see?" "The election's only two weeks away and they need the money desperately." "Do you mean to say that you'd give $200 to them people and forget all about your own family here?" "Arch, I'm doing it for my family, because I want to keep us living in a democracy." "What the hell are you talking about?" "I'm talking about the fact that the Republicans have over $30 million, while the Democrats had to put on a telethon just to keep their heads above water." "Your head is under water!" "You hear this guy, Gloria?" "Are you gonna stand there?" "You hear what your husband is saying?" "You're going to let him do that?" "Why not?" "Arch, don't you see?" "The party with the money can afford to buy TV and radio time to get their message across to the people." "The other party doesn't stand a chance!" "Before you know it, you've lost the two-party system." "Gee, it's getting like politics in America is only for the rich." "Who's been feeding you that commie crapola?" "President Eisenhower said that." "He did not!" "Eisenhower was a great president who never said nothing." "He did too, Daddy." "Eisenhower made that statement in 1968." "I saw it in the Reader's Digest." "Oh!" "I wonder if they paid him $100." "And I wonder if you could get the supper on the table!" "$200." "I can't believe it." "I can't believe that you'd give $200 to them McGoverns." "Why not, Arch?" "I want to help him get his message across." "I can tell you McGovern's message in three words." "What?" ""I wanna be president."" "Message ended." "Well, McGovern should be president." "Nixon hasn't kept any of his promises." "He promised to end the war, to reduce unemployment and to stop inflation." "Don't be picking on a man over minor details like that!" "The American people don't elect a president over that stuff anyhow." "They don't like a guy like McGovern, who's running around changing his mind all the time." "They want a man like Nixon, who don't change for nothing." "You're right about that, Arch." "He keeps making the same mistakes over and over again." "Listen," "I don't want to hear nothing more from you, because you've been freeloading here off of me for the last two years, I ain't said a word." "What?" "!" "What are you talking about?" "Daddy, you pick on him all the time!" "All you've been doing is complaining!" "Don't run away." "Don't run away from the facts." "For the first time in your life, a miracle happens." "You get a little lump of dough in your fist." "You could do the right thing and give it to me, but you don't see it that way." "How does anybody get through to you?" "Dinner!" "Oh, that's how they get through to him!" "Look at him, running for the chow, like Rin-Tin-Tin." "Oh, Archie, give it up." "Daddy, if Michael wants to give his money to a worthy cause, that's his business." "Listen, where's your family feeling?" "You went to Sunday school, didn't you?" "Huh?" "Try and remember what the Bible says about charity." ""It's better to give than to receive."" "That's Aesop's fables." "The Good Book says that charity begins and ends at home." "Look at him there." "He's eating so fast, sparks are flying out of his knife and fork." "I'll eat in the kitchen!" "You could eat on the porch." "It's still the food I paid for, buddy!" "Oh, Archie, don't talk to him like" "And you, my wife, cooking for him!" "I don't mind." "That's going to stop now, until he starts chipping in for something." "Well, if that's the way you want it, okay." "I'm working, so I'll pay for the food, and what's more, I'll cook for him!" "I can, you know." "I can cook!" "This is your father you're talking to here." "And in case you're worried about tonight, anything we eat, I'll pay for!" "You hear your daughter, turning on her father that way?" "22 years," "I never heard her open her yap like that!" "But she's just sticking up for her husband." "[GROWLS]" "For the life of me," "I'll never understand women." "The way they marry some guy who goes and makes a damn fool of himself, but still, they love him." "That's right, Archie." "Oh, hi, Gloria." "How was your day?" "I don't have time to talk, Ma." "I got to start Michael's dinner." "Oh, dear, I wish we could all get back to eating together, the same food in the same room at the same time." "Talk to Daddy about that." "Well, I tried to this morning, but he's still mad." "Why are you home so late, Gloria?" "Well, I stopped by the school to vote and so did everybody else." "You should have seen that line." "Ma, what's your laundry doing in the refrigerator?" "I'm keeping it damp, because I'm gonna iron it right after dinner." "Ma, please," "I can't get through to my vegetables." "All right, Gloria." "You don't have to get so upset!" "After all, I'm just as worked up about the last couple of weeks as you." "Why didn't you vote this morning?" "Your store gave you the time off." "Because I wanted to spend some time with Michael." "I never see him anymore except dinner time." "Well, why does he have to run off to the library every night?" "Why can't he study at home?" "Because he needs special books, Ma." "Ma, where's my tomato?" "What?" "I bought two tomatoes yesterday and I used one last night, and I was saving one for tonight." "Oh, I'm sorry, Gloria." "I must have put it in Archie's stew." "Ma, how could you do that?" "I was saving that tomato special for Michael." "I said I was sorry, Gloria." "It looked like a regular tomato." "Didn't have no name on it or nothing." "Something's burning." "[GASPS]" "My rolls!" "[GASPS]" "Look at them." "They're all burned." "How did the oven get up to 500?" "I did that, Ma." "I was getting it ready for my hamburgers." "Well, didn't you see my rolls?" "Sorry, Ma, I didn't look." "I was in too much of a hurry." "Excuse me, please." "Well, you just went and ruined your father's whole dinner!" "Not his whole dinner." "Just the rolls." "Well, with Archie, the rolls are the best part of the stew." "What?" "Well, how do you expect him to sop up the gravy?" "Well, what do you want me to do?" "Oh, I don't know." "Here, Ma, use one of our buns." "Well, that won't do no good." "That's a hamburger bun." "With stew," "Archie has to have his Parker House." "What do you want me to do?" "I don't know!" "All I know is, you ruined your father's dinner!" "I said I was sorry!" "Excuse me for living!" "What is all the hollering out here?" "Nothing!" "For a minute I thought" "I was in the back room of a Greek restaurant." "What's the matter with you?" "Can't you act refined?" "Daddy, doesn't it bother you to come home and find Ma and me practically at each other's throats?" "Don't you care?" "Sure I do." "I told youse to shut up, didn't I?" "It's all your fault, Daddy, that we're both in that kitchen cooking two separate meals, running into one another, getting on each other's nerves." "That's your husband's fault." "You talk to him." "He come into $200, here." "He had the chance to do the right thing for this here family, but what the hell does he care?" "Well, what the hell do you expect him to do?" "How dare you curse in this house?" "You're not the only father who ever helped his kid." "The meathead ain't my kid!" "And don't you call him "Meathead."" "He is my husband and when you help him, you help me." "Look, Daddy, didn't your father ever make sacrifices for you?" "No!" "Well, wouldn't you have liked him to?" "I mean, all fathers do that." "That's what a family's all about." "Don't tell me what a family's all about." "Look, Daddy, we made a deal." "You're giving us room and board and we take care of everything else." "We take care of clothes and movies and Michael's books, everything!" "That was the deal!" "What's my end of that deal?" "We're gonna pay you back every penny, with interest, as soon as Michael finishes school and starts working." "Case closed!" "Wait a minute-- Case closed!" "All right." "Case closed!" "Except for one more thing." "You've got the satisfaction of knowing that you're helping your child be better off than you." "Every father wants his kid to be better than him." "That don't always work that way, little girl." "You look at the world around you, there." "Take a look at your animal kingdom, for example, there." "I mean, take your gorilla." "Your gorilla wants his kid to grow up better than him too, but the kid grows up and there he is, still a gorilla." "What?" "Hello." "Speaking of which." "Hi, Michael, honey." "Hi." "Did you vote?" "Oh, yeah." "You should have seen the turnout at the polls." "It was great." "Yeah, it's the first time in weeks you're home at a decent hour, there, Meathead." "Ain't you going to the library tonight?" "It's Election Day, Daddy." "The library's closed." "Aw, gee, that's too bad." "It's always more pleasanter around here when the library is open." "If you want to argue tonight, Daddy, you argue with yourself." "Come on, Michael." "EDITH:" "Dinner." "Gloria, your dinner's ready too." "Hi, Mike." "Hi, Ma." "Gee, that stew smells great." "Yeah, well, you just smell it, Meathead, and head for the kitchen." "Your grub's out there." "Come on, Michael." "Dinner." "I'm coming." "Michael, how much longer do I have to cover for you with that library story?" "Please, can't we tell them you're working?" "No, not yet, Gloria." "I don't want to tell him until I make back the $200 I gave to McGovern." "Well, how much have you got so far?" "150." "Oh, is that all?" "Well, Gloria, it'll only take another week." "What's for dinner?" "Hamburgers." "Again?" "I thought you like hamburgers." "I do, but not every day." "Every other day." "Last night, I made you meatloaf." "Gloria, hamburger is meatloaf." "It's the same thing with a different name." "Can't you make something else?" "Michael, I work hard all day and then rush around this kitchen like crazy to make your dinner, and all you do is complain." "You can thank your stupid, pigheaded father for that." "Hold it." "Don't you call my father names just because you had a fight with him." "That's not being fair, and maybe we're not being fair." "Maybe we should look at things from his point of view." "That would be impossible, Gloria." "We'd have to close our minds first." "Michael, there are two sides to everything." "Remember, it's not only that you didn't give Daddy the money, but you gave it to somebody he's dead against." "Gloria, whose side are you on, anyway?" "I'm on your side!" "I'm always on your side!" "It's just that I haven't been home more than 10 minutes and already I've had a fight with my father and my mother and now you!" "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." "I didn't mean it." "Oh, shut up and eat your meatloaf!" "It's hamburgers." "It's the same thing!" "Archie, do you hear them?" "You'd better go in there." "Nah." "As soon as she feeds him, everything will quiet down." "Oh, no, you got to do something." "Things is going to get worse and worse." "It's like that old saying," ""A house divided by itself falls down."" "I got another old saying for you, Edith." ""A bird that always flies in a fog is called a dingbat."" "Gloria, these hamburgers are great." "See?" "What'd I tell you?" "He's eating, all is happiness." "What channel should we watch?" "Well..." "Hold it, hold it!" "Don't be talking about watching no channels over there!" "I'm going to watch a movie, Channel 9." "Give me my remote control." "Arch, we want to watch the election returns." "You care more about a lousy movie than you do a presidential election?" "Certainly!" "What do I care about something" "I know how it's going to come out?" "Everybody knows how it's going to come out, including them McGovern people." "See them on the newsreels with all the worried looks on their faces?" "Not the Nixons." "See the picture of Pat in the paper today?" "She was all smiles." "Yeah, well, maybe she won't be smiling tomorrow." "Yes, she will, buddy boy, because when she wakes up tomorrow morning, she knows she's been sleeping with the president of the U.S. of A." "Is she going to McGovern's place or is he going to hers?" "Oh, I don't think Mr. Nixon would like that either way." "Come on, Daddy, we want to watch the election returns." "Turn it on." "Yeah, come on!" "You want to watch the television, then chip in a little bit for the upkeep, the wear and tear and all that." "All right." "Don't start with that again." "Forget it, all right?" "We'll go watch from McGovern headquarters." "Right, right, because you got $200 worth of TV watching coming to you down there." "You didn't pay for nothing here." "You ain't entitled to nothing." "All right!" "All right!" "That's it!" "That's it!" "I was gonna wait until I had all the money saved up, but since you're so damn hungry for your money, Arch, here you are." "$150." "You happy?" "Hey." "Hey." "Look at this." "Hey, Edith, there's really 150 bucks the guy has got here." "You mean you didn't give this money to the McGoverns after all?" "I did give it to McGovern, Arch." "Well, where'd you get this, then?" "You play a number?" "No, Daddy, he earned it." "He wasn't at the library studying the last two weeks." "He was going to school during the day and then working nights at the gas station so that he could pay you." "Oh, Archie!" "Ain't you proud of him?" "Gee whiz." "You mean the meathead was actually working at a job?" "That's right, Arch." "That's right, and between school and that job," "I worked my butt off to get you that money." "That's right, and just the way I got you that money," "I'm going to get you every nickel I owe you!" "Are you satisfied, Daddy?" "Oh, well, I hear him talking over there, but, uh... when am I going to see this other 50 here?" "[BLOWS RASPBERRY]" "Did you see what she did?" "[BLOWS RASPBERRY]" "That's right, Arch." "[ALL YELLING]" "Oh, there comes Mr. Nixon out of the voting booth." "I wonder who he voted for." "Who do you think he voted for?" "He voted for himself." "Just like I told you, Arch." "He keeps making the same mistakes over and over again." "[GIGGLES]" "[♪]" "ANNOUNCER:" "All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience."