"LOUIE:" "The hardest thing about having kids is just the..." "All the..." "Is just the days that you spend with them." "That's really the hardest part." "It's just every day that you have them is the hardest part of having kids." "It's just every day." "It's getting up at 6:00 in the morning, which..." "First of all, I'm not that guy." "Six o'clock in the morning." "I have blown off entire careers because of one day I didn't wanna get out of bed." "Like, "Oh, I'll just not be that, then."" "[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]" "First, I gotta get them dressed." "That's number one." "Because that's the one that people will notice." "That's the only one..." "If that's the only one that I get done, I'll be okay." "I..." "Because if I show up with two naked kids, I'll go to jail." "So I have to..." "But I can not feed them." ""Oh, no, they're fine." "They ate." "They're just a little tired." "It's fine."" "And then I gotta get them to school, which means walking..." "The older one goes to kindergart..." "Third grade." "Jesus Christ." "I just said kindergarten." "She's in third grade." "You know what's even worse?" "She's not." "She's in second grade." "[AUDIENCE AND LOUIE LAUGHING]" "Anyway, so, yeah, wolves are like dogs." "They're, like, in the same family of animal." "So, guys, have a good week with..." "Have a nice time with Mom." "[RINGS DOORBELL]" "WOMAN:" "Hello?" "Hey." "I'm here with the girls." "WOMAN:" "Okay, I'll buzz." "Let them up." "Okay." "[DOOR BUZZES]" "There you go." "Bye, Daddy." "Bye-bye." "Bye." "Bye, Daddy." "Have a great week." "See you." "[SIGHS]" "[CELL PHONE RINGS]" "Hello?" "Hey." "It's Pamela." "I'm at the park with Serge." "Do you wanna bring the girls over?" "I just dropped them with their mom." "She's got them for a whole week." "Ooh." "Good for you." "Freedom." "Not really." "Why?" "When they're not with me I just get depressed." "I tend to fall into a spiral of just awfulness." "Well, don't." "Just don't." "That's stupid." "Use your time." "Make a project." "Get energized, man." "You know what?" "You're right." "I'm not gonna be a bag of shit like I always am." "Good." "Go." "[SCATTING]" "[SINGING] And I'm shittin' into Hitler's mouth" "And I'm pissin' in his mother's face Right out of" "My dick is bigger than a monkey's paw" "Sorry." "Uh..." "I'm in a good mood." "Is that all?" "Yeah." "Um..." "You want some ice cream?" "I shouldn't, you know, because I'm..." "I'm trying to get motivated, and my kids are out of town but I'm trying to take..." "Screw it." "[MOANING]" "Oh, God, yes." "[YELLS]" "[SNORING]" "[RINGING]" "[SNORTS]" "[GRUNTS]" "Hello?" "Bro." "Hey, Robbie." "What's up?" "What's the matter?" "You sound depressed." "LOUIE:" "I am." "I've been eating ice cream and a bunch of other things for about two days now." "Dude, do you ever exercise?" "No." "See, that's what your problem is." "You got ice cream for blood." "You sit around on your ass all the time." "Get that jump rope out and get moving." "I mean, this is disgusting." "You know what, man?" "You're right." "Thanks." "Bro, I gotta borrow some..." "Bro?" "Br...?" "Oh, you son of a..." "[EXHALES]" "Ah." "[SNIFFING]" "What the hell?" "[SIGHS]" "Hey." "Hi." "How you doing?" "Sure." "Could you open a window when you're smoking pot in there?" "Because it smells up my apartment." "Ha." "What?" "I don't smoke pot." "Yeah." "No, seriously." "I've never smoked pot in my entire life." "Pot?" "How does one smoke a pot?" "[SNICKERS]" "I'm not trying to judge you for whatever you're doing in there." "Can you just be a neighbor?" "Be a human being?" "I don't wanna smell that all the time." "No, I told you, I've never smoked pot." "I don't smoke marijuana, right now, in front of you, like this." "I've never done that in my life." "Never." "Okay, man." "Look, I'm not a cop and I'm not your dad." "I just..." "If you wanna be a shitty person, then go ahead." "Hey, wait a minute." "Hey, I didn't mean to upset you." "You're a nice guy." "Why don't you come in for a while?" "No, that's okay." "No, come on." "You said you wanted me to be a neighbor." "Why don't you be one?" "Come in." "Get to know me." "Unless you're too busy wearing those shorts." "Okay." "Yeah?" "Yeah, sure." "Come on." "[MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]" "Hi." "Here, have a seat." "Oh, sorry." "[GRUNTS]" "So my name's Jeff." "What's yours?" "Oh, Louie." "Um..." "Is that your...?" "Is this your girlfriend?" "I thought she was with you." "Jesus." "No, I'm kidding." "She's my wife." "Oh, what's her name?" "Piss Shit Fart." "Her parents were hippies." "Okay." "JEFF:" "Hey, are you a comedian?" "Yeah." "Ha-ha." "That's weird." "I guess." "You gay?" "No." "Why not?" "[LAUGHS]" "What's the matter, man?" "You seem depressed." "Why does everybody think I'm depressed after knowing me for a second?" "Because you're a huge bummer." "You're, like, a huge, huge bummer." "You know what, man?" "You're right." "I'm sorry I came in here and bothered you." "I used to get high when I was a kid." "I probably would've thought I was a bummer too." "I'm just..." "I'm just having a bad day." "Well, this is probably gonna sound cliché, but you should just try to enjoy yourself." "You said you used to get high?" "Why'd you stop?" "I don't know." "I guess I just grew up and stopped." "Did you like it when you used to get high?" "Yeah, a lot, but, you know, I'm a dad." "[BUBBLING]" "Are your kids over there?" "No, no." "They're with their mom for a week." "You're having some of this." "[BUBBLING]" "[COUGHING]" "Wow." "It's been a long time." "That's..." "Really good pot." "Yeah." "You're probably feeling high already." "Shit, yeah." "[COUGHING]" "[EXHALES]" "You all right?" "I think maybe I'm getting a bit too high." "No, no, no." "Here." "Just drink way too much of this." "It'll counteract." "Okay." "Hey." "What...?" "Where did that dog come from?" "He's been sitting here the whole time." "No, no, no." "That's not..." "That's different than the dog that was sitting there when I came in." "A different dog?" "Yeah, that's not the s..." "That dog is..." "I'm..." "Is different." "Well, yeah, sure, he's different." "He's been through a lot since you got here." "His mother died like two minutes ago." "No, dude, seriously, which dog is that?" "Which dog?" "Yeah." "Which dog?" "Which dog is that?" "Hey, wanna see something really cool?" "Okay." "Hey, come over here." "What are you gonna do?" "You'll see." "It's really cool." "You see that car down there?" "Yeah." "I love that." "Hey, man, I think maybe I'm too high." "What's with my hands?" "They're not..." "Oh, shit." "That is too high." "You better stop smoking marijuana." "Hey, you wanna try the motor bong?" "[MOTOR REVVING]" "WOMAN [ON TV]:" "It was just really frustrating." "No one was even listening to me in there." "They were just looking at my vagina." "Tell me about it." "I wish there was a way to..." "Cover your vagina?" "What?" "Cover your vagina." "You mean, like, hide it?" "Try this." "So, as you can see from the annual report on Page 6 our quarterly earnings are up..." "[TURNS TV OFF]" "[GROANS]" "[COUGHS]" "[SIGHS]" "Oh, my fafa." "I caught a janna vajanna." "It's totally yanadda." "I know." "[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]" "Stephanie." "It's stupah." "I don't have a denana." "I totally got a denana a banan danana." "I know." "It's stupah." "I don't..." "[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]" "Obama." "[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]" "What?" "[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]" "Ahem." "Coffee, please." "Just coffee." "[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]" "That." "[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]" "[ALL SPEAKING GIBBERISH]" "[DOG WHIMPERING]" "I gotta get a dog." "Hi." "Hey." "[DOGS BARKING]" "So these are the puppies that we have right now." "They're all kind of pit bulls." "Well, the pit bull thing is a myth." "You should know that." "They are really sweet dogs." "Yeah, well, I got two kids." "I'm divorced." "Have you ever thought about getting an older dog?" "Older?" "Everybody who comes in here wants a puppy but we have a bunch of old dogs that nobody wants." "It's really sad." "[DOG BARKING]" "Show me." "Nobody, I mean, nobody, wants an old dog but I love the older dogs because they're distinguished, noble." "Hey, Bear." "So this is Bear." "Hi, Bear." "I love Bear." "Aww." "You like that?" "Huh, Bear?" "Yeah?" "You like that, huh?" "He loves this." "Yeah, I'm gonna go ahead and take Bear." "All right, boy." "Hey there, Bear." "What do you think, huh?" "Oh, what a nice dog." "This is your new home, pal." "Come on in." "Here you go." "Here." "Have a seat." "Sit." "Good boy." "What a sweetie." "Mwah." "We'll get you some water there." "I'll bet you're thirsty." "Can't wait for the girls to meet you." "They're gonna love you." "They're coming home today." "Okay." "Want a drink of water, pal?" "Oh, my God." "[SIGHS]" "What are you gonna do with him?" "What do you think?" "[ENGINE STARTS]" "Hey." "Daddy!" "Hi." "Daddy." "Hey, girls." "Bye, Mommy." "WOMAN:" "Bye, girls." "See you." "WOMAN:" "Bye." "Hey, did you guys have a good week?" "BOTH:" "Yeah." "Did you have a good week, Daddy?" "I did." "Thank you for asking." "Every day you spend with your kids is torture." "And it's because I love them." "If I didn't love them, it wouldn't matter." "I'd just play poker with my friends, come home later:" ""Oh, they're dead."" "But I love them." "[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]" "I wiped my daughter's ass for the last time on May 13th of 2008." "I remember this moment because it was a big moment in my life." "When you have children, they start as babies, and they shit all over the place." "But then, finally, they can use a toilet." "But they can't wipe their ass." "You have to wipe their ass." "That's the last thing you do that's an intimate bathroom thing, is wipe their ass." "And one day, it stops." "And I remember the day..." "I said the date, but I don't remember now, because I'm lying." "But..." "Because I had always wiped her ass all that time, and it's just a thing you do." "I didn't think about it." ""Daddy, I need a wipe!"" "Then I'd come in, I'm on the phone, like, "Yeah, okay, so..."" "Anyway, so I wiped her ass one day, and she said:" ""Thank you very much, Daddy."" "And I was like..." "That was a little too eloquent a thank-you, for somebody who I just wiped shit out of her asshole." "I wanna hear, like, "Thank you, Dada."" "I don't wanna hear, like, "That was very gracious of you, Father." "I thank thee."" "Oh." "Oh, you asshole." "Oh." "Oh, babies with AIDS." "Oh, my God." "I wanna shit right in my own face."