"GENE:" "Get out your Goat horns, folks." "It's time for some Blue Mountain State football." "The players report today, and I tell you, Dennis, nobody knows what to expect after last year's scandal-ridden championship season." "DENNIS:" "Well, I can tell you exactly what to expect, Gene." "Hard work, dedication, and at the end of the day, another championship season for Coach Marty Daniels." "What's that, Dad?" "Oh, really?" "I'm not gonna amount to anything?" "Well, I'm the new mascot." "So look at me now!" "Oh, yeah." "I'll mow the lawn when I get home." "Come here." "What are you doing?" "Alex?" "Sneak up behind me and smash me over the head with a beer bottle." "What do you mean "sneak up behind you"?" "You're looking in a mirror." "Do it!" "No way." "I'm not smashing a beer bottle over your head." "You're an idiot." "Come on, you owe me!" "For what?" "For fingering Vicky underneath the bleachers." "That was in middle school." "Get over it." "Oh, I'm sorry." "I didn't realize there was a time limit on broken hearts." "What was her last name?" "Mmm..." "Mmm?" "College..." "BOTH:" "College, college, college, college, college, college!" "(SCREAMS)" "Are you..." "Are you all right?" "Yeah." "Yeah?" "Yeah!" "(WHOOPING) -(KNOCKING AT DOOR)" "Hi." "We're here courtesy of the Blue Mountain State Football Boosters." "We're looking for Alex Moran." "Oh, I'm Alex Moran." "I'm Alex Moran." "Sweet Jesus, yes." "Oh, man." "Look at this." "Come in." "MAN 1:" "The newcomer at camp is someone everyone is excited about." "Craig Shilo." "Yes!" "MAN 2:" "Absolutely." "Anytime you have success..." "You hear that, baby?" "They're already talking about me." "Of course they are, baby." "You are gonna own this town." "(BOTH CHUCKLE)" "Okay, so here's what I'm thinking." "Hmm." "We play here for three years," "then we get a Heisman..." "Mmm-hmm." "Sign our endorsement deals, turn pro, get married." "Wow!" "I like where this is going..." "Uh-uh!" "Not until we're married." "How many times I got to say it?" "Seriously, Craig..." "And that reminds me we better get married before you turn pro." "Otherwise people gonna think I married you for your money." "(KNOCKING AT DOOR)" "Hi, we're looking for Craig Shilo." "Mmm-hmm." "Oh, my God, Sammy, this is awesome!" "SAMMY:" "This is the best." "You know what would make it better?" "Let me in!" "No!" "Who is that guy?" "I'm gonna be the mascot on the team." "Well, I'm gonna try out." "It doesn't matter." "Just let me in." "No!" "No!" "Come on!" "He's not even the starting quarterback." "I'm the backup quarterback, okay?" "And it's working out great so far." "Come on, man, just let me in." "You know I'm not gonna do anything but watch." " GIRL:" "I think she broke my nose!" " (EXHALES)" "Ugh!" "Damn it!" "Those bitches got blood on my shirt." "(EXHALES DEEPLY)" "Oh, well. (LAUGHS)" "At least they didn't get you." "Yeah." "'Cause you're mine." "Right?" "Yeah." "(ALEX MOANING)" "ALEX:" "Yeah!" "(GIRL LAUGHING)" "Sammy!" "Hi." "(YELLS) -(SCREAMS)" "Yes!" "First one done!" "Once upon a time, some weak, pathetic pussy coined the phrase, "Winning isn't everything."" "Well, for most people in most situations he was right, but I'm not one of those people." "And this is not one of those situations." "Blue Mountain State has won 1 7 national championships right on this field." "Six on my watch alone." "Because we don't just beat our opponents, gentlemen." "We crush their will to live." "We suck the milk out of their mothers tits." "And use it as mouthwash." "We rip off their dicks and invite them to an orgy." "Use their Vagisil as lip balm." " CRAIG:" "Shh." " You got something to say, son?" "No, Coach." "No, I'm just studying the playbook." "Where do you come from?" "Cheyenne, Wyoming." "Wrong." "Shilo, same question." "Columbus, Ohio, sir." "No, god damn it!" "Mountain Goats, where do we come from?" "ALL:" "From our fathers' balls, sir!" "From our fathers' balls." "Most men think they just dropped out of their mothers' womb like some glorified jellyfish." "But champions know they came from their fathers' balls." "Now I want you to go home tonight and think about that." "And think hard about what category you fall into." "All right, ladies, bring it in on three." "One, two, three!" "ALL:" "Go, Goats!" "All freshies stay right where you are." "Welcome to freshman hell week." "(ALL WHOOPING)" "Welcome to my world." "I want to see every one of you freshies as hairless as the day you were born." "Boom-shaka-laka!" "We don't have to shave inside the crack, do we?" "Don't go near my crack, man." " I want you screaming for your mom." "This is bullshit." "I was the national high school player of the year last year." "Do I see armpit hair?" "Why did you not shave his armpits?" "Are you looking at me?" "I'm Alex, by the way." "Craig Shilo." "Yeah, I know." "This is only the beginning, you pieces of shit." "Pay close attention to what I hold in my hand." "It's a notebook." "Each one of you will be given one of your own." "It contains secrets about each member of this team." "You will protect these secrets with your lives." "Any freshie who loses contact with their notebook at any time over the next week will be in a world of pain." "Okay, hold on a second." "This is freshman hell week?" "Really?" "First you ask us to shave each other's nuts and then ask us to protect each other's secrets." "Have you got a problem with that?" "Can't you just beat us up or something?" "This just seems a little gay." "Gay?" "Gay." "It's called hazing, asshole." "Look it up." "Okay." "And what about you?" " I didn't say anything." "Oh, no!" "Top recruit?" "You think you're the captain of this team already?" "You think you've got the Heisman all locked up." "Bromigo?" "You think you and your friend can come in here and say whatever you want?" "No, I didn't..." "Wrong!" "I'm the captain of this team and I get to say whatever I want!" "And I say..." "Party at the Goathouse!" "(ALL CHEERING)" "BMS!" "ALL:" "Go Goats!" "(ALL CHEERING)" "Yeah!" "Nice one!" "Sorry I'm late, everybody." "Sorry I'm late." "Where am I going?" "What am I doing?" "Late for what?" "For the mascot tryouts." "(CHUCKLES) I'm gonna love this place." "There aren't any tryouts." "We already have our mascot." "Chester." "No." "No!" "Please, you've got to just give me a shot." "I swear to God you guys are gonna love me." "You heard the lady." "Position's filled." "Okay." "Okay." "I see what's going on here." "You're afraid of me." "You're afraid of a little competition." "I'm 6'4"." "I ain't afraid of nothing." "I'm gonna rip your ears off!" "(YELLS)" "(HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING)" "(PEOPLE CHEERING)" "(EXCLAIMS)" "BOTH:" "Yes, please." "No, thank you." "No, thank you." "No, thank you." "Yes, please." "Really?" "What?" "Yeah." "She's like a mother of four." "I'll make her a mother of five." "(BOTH LAUGHING)" "Shilo!" "What's up, man?" "Let's grab a beer." "Oh, no, no, no, no." "I'm not drinking tonight." "I promised my girlfriend." "(LAUGHS)" "That's a good one." "That's really funny." "That's great." " I am gonna puke tonight." "Okay, so you have a girlfriend?" "Yes." "That's cute." "That's cute." "When's the wedding date?" "Ah, no, no, we've only been together a year and a half." "So..." "ALEX:" "Oh, you're serious?" "Yes." "You brought a girlfriend to college?" "Yes." "Word of advice." "Make sure this guy doesn't try to finger your girlfriend underneath the bleachers." "What?" "Really?" "Really?" "Sorry." "It's hard for me." "That's my roommate Sammy." "Best friend." "I'm his best..." "Oh, there you are." "Excuse me." "Hey, baby." "Oh, my God!" "Mmm, can I get two?" "Mmm, yes." "(BOTH LAUGH)" "Okay, look, I want to introduce you to Al and Gary." "They are accounting majors." "(EXCLAIMS) So I thought maybe we could sit down to..." "Are you drinking?" " SAMMY:" "I am." " Me, too." "No, I'm not drinking." "I just was talking to some of the guys..." "And drinking, but it's fine." "You know, you guys'll just be all hung over tomorrow for practice, but I guess that's what champions do." "That won't affect me much." "I'm a backup." " Okay, you say that like you're proud." " SAMMY:" "I think it's cool." "Backup QB is the best position in sports." "Fact, I get drunk all the time," "I don't have to show up to class and it's just like being a real QB, but without all the pain." "Fact, you can't get a hot girl like this like that." "(LAUGHS)" "Thank you, baby." "Oh!" "Well, I will get all your leftovers." "I call it trickle-down banging." "Trickle-down banging?" "That's trademarked, by the way." "Well done." "Thank you." "Ugh!" "Real motivated friends you've made, Craig." "Thank you." "If you want to find me, I will be in the pool house." "Discussing our financial future." "Baby, I barely even know these guys." "Sure." "See you later." "Baby." "Denise!" "I'm sorry." "Forget her." "Seriously." "Forget her." "You really think she's gonna risk you dumping her for a quickie with a couple of accounting majors?" "Those guys were dorks." "No, she doesn't do that." "She doesn't..." "She doesn't do what?" " What, accounting majors?" " ALEX:" "No, no, no!" "I don't think he's talking about accounting majors at all." "What is it that Denise doesn't do?" "Have sex." "What?" "(SNICKERS)" "Are you freaking kidding me?" "You could get with any girl here." " I don't want to get with any girl here." " SAMMY:" "Help me then!" "Look, Denise just wants her first time to be special and I don't blame her." "Wow, I don't know whether to pat you on the back or choke you out." " I do." "Come on, man." "What's the frequency, losers?" "Puke session." "Notebooks." "Let's see 'em." "Still think this place is gay, Shilo?" "Actually, that's..." "That's really gay." "lt's two chicks making out." "No, I don't think he's saying that's a bad thing." "That's just actually gay." "Yeah, and my face actually just looks like your ass." "Hey, you can't talk to him that way." "He challenges you to a game of beer pong." "No, I don't." "You're on." "Beer pong right now." "Let's go, Larry." "(WHOOPS)" "Get off me, Larry." "Hey, what the hell is wrong with you, man?" "You know I can't get drunk tonight." "Dude, you won't have to get drunk tonight." "I'm really good at this." "Look out, Billy." "(LAUGHING) Look at that jackass." "What?" "I wasn't puking." "Oh, it's you." " I must've ate something bad." "Yeah, probably a dick." "Hey, this is my fight." "I'll say the insults." "Yeah, you probably ate a dick." "Later, dickbreath." "I'll kill you." "(ALL CHEERING)" "Line it up and put some backspin on it." "Hold on." "Put it there." "(ALL EXCLAIMING)" "I thought you said you was amazing?" "Congratulations, Craig." "You caught me." "I'm a liar." "You want to see amazing?" "I'll show you amazing." "(ALL CHEERING)" "Oh!" "That one's yours, 'cause you didn't put the backspin on it." "Drink, drink, drink." "I'm going to." "Just say yes and mummy will make it all better." "(MUMBLING)" "Mmm-mmm." "Mmm-mmm." "Yes, please." "Hold that." "Dirty dog." "(LAUGHS)" "(SNIFFS) ls that piss?" "ls that piss?" "That's..." "That's piss." "That's piss." "That's piss." "(VIBRATING)" "(GRUNTS)" "Hello?" "Sammy," "I've got a little bit of a situation here." "I pissed my bed last night or she did..." "I don't know." "I have practice in 1 0 minutes." "I need you to go in my room and grab my notebook, 'cause I can't go in there, 'cause the cougar's still in there and it's under my mattress." "Who is this?" "I know it was you." "You came in here last night, you pulled out that little cock of yours and pissed all over me." "You don't remember, do you?" "I've been waiting for a big strong man like you to come along." "And put this naughty little girl in her place." "(LAUGHS)" "(CLICKS TONGUE)" "No one is going to believe this." "(COACH WHISTLING)" " Go, blue 18!" " PLAYER:" "Side, left side." "Blue 18." "Hike!" "PLAYER:" "Get that guy!" "Stop him!" "9/11 , baby!" "9/11!" "Never forget!" "God damn it!" "I can't believe they're making us practice with these stupid notebooks." "I don't even have mine." "Wait till you hear this." "You're not gonna believe where it is." " I was with..." "Stop." "I don't want to know." "(COACH WHISTLES)" "Second team!" "I'll see you at dinner, sweet pea." "ALL:" "Break!" "(WHISTLING)" "Move back!" "Let's move 'em back!" "Fifty-four is the mike!" "Fifty-four is the mike!" "Blue 1 8." "Blue 1 8!" "Set!" "Hike!" "That a boy, Moran." "You keep making throws like that, you'll be a starter." "No, thanks, Coach." "I'm good." "What did you say?" "I said, "Thank you, Coach." Thanks." "Run it again." "Right now?" "(SHOUTS) Run it again!" "Blue 18!" "Blue 18!" "Set!" "Hut!" "PLAYER:" "What are you doing?" "Good times." "(GRUNTS)" ""Darren Larson, my parents are first cousins."" "(LAUGHS)" "That's horrible." ""Larry Summers, I've never been to Disneyland."" "Lame!" "That's not even a secret." ""Chester Tam..."" "Oh, what is it, silly?" "Who's Chester?" "He's the soon-to-be ex-mascot of the Mountain Goats." "Notebook." "Hey, look, I'm gonna show Thad my notebook, then I'm gonna pass it to you behind my back." "No!" "No way." "I am tired of letting that prick ruin our good times, so I'm gonna tell the guy he sucks and I don't have my notebook." "And then I'm gonna get my ass kicked, not you." "Look, this is not a negotiation, all right?" "I listened to you last night and everything went to shit." "Now I'm hung over and Denise won't talk to me." "Well, you should be thanking me." "That girls sucks." "What'd you say?" "I said your girlfriend sucks." "Look, she introduces you to a couple of accounting majors at your first Goathouse party and then gives you shit about drinking a beer?" "Notebook." "Hold on." "Plus, there is no way that that girl is a virgin." "Virgins don't go to state colleges." "Wake up!" " I said "notebook," buttmunch." "Say that again." "Say that shit again." "I dare you." "All of it?" "(GRUNTING) Yeah!" "Dog pile!" "Get 'em!" "No!" "Don't break 'em up." "That Moran kid seems to have a problem that needs correcting." "THAD:" "He was gonna punch him in the face!" "Come on!" "Yeah. (SIGHS)" "Well, at least they didn't ask for my notebook." "I'm sorry." "I know it's hard without me running off my mouth and with all the pressure and the scholarships..." "Forget all that." "I just want to have sex with Denise." "I've had blue balls for two years." "Do you have any idea what that feels like?" "I can't say that I do, no." "But Denise says that all the pent up testosterone makes me play better." "Okay, listen." "(CLEARING THROAT) All I'm saying is that you can be king of this school." "But what's the point of being king if you can't enjoy it?" "Me?" "I'm gonna end up a middle-school gym teacher, just like my dad, and I'm okay with that." "But I owe it to myself to get drunk and laid as often as possible over the next four years." "And so do you." "All right?" "Yo, you gonna cheat on your wife like your dad did, too?" "See, I told you he'd show up." "(LAUGHING)" "Here's your notebook." "Thank you." "Hey, asshole!" "Get off the field, this is a closed practice!" "(COACH WHISTLES)" "Okay." "Do you guys know where the trophy room is?" "What's in the trophy room?" "Trophies, Alex." "And revenge." "(MOANING)" "(MOANING CONTINUES)" "Whoa!" "I wonder which one turns you on more, Chester." "The 1 982 men's basketball team trophy or the team photo?" "What are you talking about, idiot?" "I dropped my ring in my pants." "Sure, you did." "Page 26 of the Goatbook! "Chester Tam." ""l jerk off in the trophy room every morning in full mascot gear."" "It's for good luck, okay?" "Some people carry around a lucky rabbit's foot..." "And some people jerk off in trophy rooms, I get it." "I get it." "Listen." "I've drawn up your resignation, all you gotta do is sign it and we can forget all this ever happened." "You think you can just blackmail me?" "Huh?" "I'm untouchable." "I'm just gonna blackmail you right back." "The camera's still on, bitch." "I just videotaped you saying that." "You also just videotaped yourself saying that you're blackmailing me." "I'm gonna erase that part." "(GUY SHUSHING)" "Huh..." "(GUY SHUSHING)" "(ALEX GRUNTING)" "Oh, Shilo." "Go to hell." "Gentlemen, we're assembled here today because these two pricks lost contact with their notebooks." "What?" "I didn't lose my notebook." " Oh, no?" "ALEX:" "No." "I know someone who would disagree." "(PEOPLE MUTTERING)" "Thank you, Thad." "As many of you know, I like to have sex with football players." "(ALL CHEERING)" "I do it because I care about this team." "A team is only as strong as its weakest player." "And right now your weakest player is Alex." "Alex didn't have his notebook with him yesterday." "I know this because I had it." "Alex was a bad, bad, bad, bad boy." "Yeah." "I think he deserves to be punished." "ALEX: (GROANS) Okay." "THAD:" "Grazie, Pauline." "So, Thad, why am I here?" "I never lost my notebook." "Oh, that's right, Mr. Perfect." "You never lose anything." "Well, let me introduce you to the first thing you'll ever lose." "It's a chocolate cookie race!" "(ALL CHEERING)" "MASCOT:" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Who are you?" "I'm your new mascot." "This is for you." "It's Chester's letter of resignation." "And this is for you." "Who's fingering whose girlfriend now?" "ls that my bed?" "Yeah, and that's piss all over it." "(ALEX AND SAMMY LAUGHING)" "That's sick." "What's wrong with you?" "What's wrong with you?" " I don't know." "So you're the new mascot?" "Yes, I am." "Where's your notebook?" " I didn't get a notebook." "You..." "Yeah, you need a..." "Get this guy a jockstrap and a cookie!" "(ALL CHEERING)" "Thad's racing with us?" "Wouldn't miss it." "(LAUGHS)" "I am so sick of this shit." "I'm winning this race." "THAD:" "Yeah, I'll believe it when I see it, moron." "Okay." "Okay." "The rules are we each put a cookie between our butt cheeks, then we race to the finish line." "If you drop your cookie, you lose." "Then the losers, a.k.a. you a-holes, will have to eat your cookies." "This seems very gay." "It's not gay!" "Stop saying that!" "Okay." "On your mark, get set..." "Go!" "(ALL CHEERING)" "(EXCLAIMING)" "(ALL LAUGHING)" "I'm not winning." "I'm not winning." "I'm not winning." "(SOBBING)" "Why?" "Why?" "Why?" "Why?" "Why?" "Why the hell is Thad racing?" "That's dedication." "You want to do this?" "Let's do this." "(LAUGHING) Come on!" " SAMMY:" "Yes!" "I knew you were gonna win!" " Enjoy that cookie, asshole!" "LARRY:" "Not so fast." "I think you all forgot something." "(ALL WHOOPING)" "It fell out your ass 1 0 yards back!" "I was watching the whole time!" "(LAUGHS)" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Eat it!" "Mess with the bull, you get the horns." "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "What?" "Yeah!" "We had that asshole beat." "ALL: (CHANTING) Cookie!" "Cookie!" "Yeah, we did." "Yeah, we did." "ALL:" "Cookie!" "Cookie!" "Cookie!" "Cookie!" "Cookie!" "Cookie!" "Cookie!" "Cookie!" " Cookie!" "Cookie!" "Cookie!" "To college." "To college!" "To college!" "ALL:" "Cookie!" "Cookie!" "Cookie!" "Cookie!" "Cookie!" "Cookie!" "(ALL SCREAMING)" "(SCREAMING HYSTERICALLY)" "(SNIFFS)" "SAMMY:" "Tonight's episode featured music by Rev Theory,"