"Bills, bills, bills!" "That's all there is in the mail this morning." "Lucy..." "I'm sorry, I bought it." "I didn't want it anyway, and I'll take it back tomorrow." "No, no, no, honey, it's not you this time." "These are household bills." "Oh, thank goodness." "The house is gonna catch it for a change." "How can we spend so much money?" "heating bill-- $52, telephone-- $23, electric bill-- $18.75, water-- $16." "How are we gonna pay all these bills?" "Well, now, honey, you don't have to pay them all at once." "Look..." "look, I got a system." "See?" "We put them all in the lazy Susan like this, see?" "Just like that." "Now, we spin it around and any bill that stays on gets paid." "See?" "The lucky winner is the Connecticut Light and Power Company." "Lucy, we can't pay our bills by spinning them around on a lousy Susan." "It's a lazy Susan." "Well, whatever it is." "How do you suggest we pay all the unlucky losers?" "Well..." "What's this one here?" "Groceries-- $88!" "How can three people eat so much?" "It's five people." "Don't forget the Mertzes have been here every weekend, and you know how this country air affects Ethel's appetite." "Well, maybe this weekend you'd better tell Ethel to breathe a little less." "They're only gonna be here one day this time, and, anyway, you know you love having them." "What's this?" "Tree surgery-- $50." "Well, now, honey, you know how sick that poor elm was outside" "It needed attention." "I know, but $50?" "!" "I could have had my appendix taken out." "Oh, honey, now, you knew it was gonna cost more living in the country." "I didn't know it was gonna cost this much more." "Well, I'll say one thing for those bills." "They've certainly taken your mind off the $3,000 I paid for the furniture." "Oh, I've forgotten all about that." "Oh, me and my big mouth." "You spent $3,000 for new furniture!" "Well, now, honey, it would have cost a lot more if Betty Ramsey hadn't gotten us that discount." "That's another thing." "Oh..." "If Betty Ramsey hadn't taken you to that wholesale house, you wouldn't have spent nearly as much." "Oh, me, I gotta have a talk with my mouth." "Wouldn't you know?" "Wouldn't you know that we would just move right next door to somebody like Betty Ramsey?" "She's the nosiest, most meddling female that I have ever..." "Oh, hi, Betty!" "Hi, Betty!" "How are you, Betty?" "Hi, Ricky." "I'm sorry to barge in, but I've got the most wonderful news." "What?" "I just talked to this friend of mine who writes for House and Garden magazine, and I told her about your house." "Well, she'd love to see it, and if she likes it, she's gonna do a whole spread of pictures of your house in her magazine." "Oh, Betty, how wonderful." "Isn't that exciting, Ricky?" "Yeah, exciting." "Oh-ho-ho, Ricky, and you were worried about Lucy spending all that money for furniture." "Yeah." "Betty, I don't really have time to talk to you about it but I think it's wonderful." "That's really thrilling news, Betty." "Bye!" "Oh, just think, honey." "Maybe we're gonna get a picture of our home in House and Garden." "Yeah, great, and that'll be another expense." "Now we'll have to buy 50 copies of the magazine." "Oh..." "Gee, honey," "I guess you're right about it being more expensive living in the country but it doesn't have to be." "What do you mean?" "Well, we're not making the country work for us." "You know, we could raise things." "You're right." "First thing we gotta raise is money to pay for these bills." "No, now, I'm serious." "A lot of people around here make extra money by farming." "Now, we could have apple orchards and grape vineyards and maybe some grain and wheat fields and... and a herd or two of cattle, maybe." "Lucy, we only own two acres, you know." "What you're talking about would take the entire state of Ay-oh-a-way." ""Ay-oh-a-way"?" "Well, how do you think the state of "Ay-oh-a-way" got started?" "Farming, huh?" "That's right." "Well, maybe we could do a little farming, but it's got to be on a small scale." "Something small, now, something small." "Chickens!" "Let's raise chickens." "What about corn?" "Why corn instead of chickens?" "Well, we'll sleep a lot better." "Corn doesn't crow at 5:00 in the morning." "We'll make a lot more money raising chickens." "Yeah, how do you figure?" "Well, chickens lay eggs, right?" "I can't argue with you on that." "And eggs are 75 cents a dozen." "That's clear profit right there." "Yeah, well, suppose the chickens stop laying eggs?" "Once a chicken is all egged out, you sell it for poultry." "You can't lose." "What about 'spenses?" "Oh, what "spenses" are there?" "Shelter and some food." "What can a little grain and corn cost?" "50 cents a sack-- that's chicken feed." "Chicken feed." "Well, when you stop cackling... who's gonna take care of all these chickens?" "Well, what's there to take care of?" "As fast as they drop the eggs, we pick them up and put them in the cartons." "Well, it sounds good." "Sure, it's a snap." "And who knows, maybe later on we can train the chickens to lay the eggs right in the cartons." "You know, cut out the middle man." "Well, honey, if the business folds, we can always eat the inventory." "That's true." "Sure." "So we figure that by selling the eggs, and marketing the chickens, we could make a nice piece of change." "And it was all my idea." "Yeah." "What's the matter?" "Haven't you ever seen me eat before?" "I've never seen you do anything else." "I don't see you going on any hunger strike." "Well, Fred, what do you think of our little scheme?" "Well, it sounds pretty good, but you'd better hire somebody with experience to handle it for you." "Well, if we gotta get somebody, then it's out of the question." "We can't afford to hire a hand." "We can't even afford to hire a finger." "You don't have to pay him a salary, Rick." "Let him work, give him a place to live and cut him in for a share of the profit." "Oh, are there people who do that?" "Why, sure, we had a man who did just that when I was a little boy on the farm." "Huh." "It's hard to believe Fred was ever on a farm." "It's hard to believe he was ever a little boy." "All right, you two, all right." "You know, Fred, if we could get somebody like that, it might be worth it." "Yeah, it might be profitable for both parties." "Hey, if we got a chicken fellow, he could live in the guest house." "Yeah." "How do you go about getting someone like that?" "Well, put an ad in the local paper." "Yeah, that's a good idea." "Now, let's see, what will we say?" "I had a pencil around here." "What happened to it?" "Maybe Ethel ate it." "You write out the ad, Rick, and we'll drop it off at the newspaper on our way to the station." "Okay, now, let's see." "How do we start it, Fred?" "Well, you gotta have a tricky heading for the ad." "Something that'll catch their eye." "Uh-huh." "I know. "Become a millionaire overnight."" "That's a little bit too optimistic, don't you think?" "How about "Get rich quick"?" "That's still too much." "Why don't you just say" ""Want to pour your money down a rat hole?"" "Now, honey, don't be silly." "Besides, there's no money required." ""No money required."" "That'd sure catch my eye." ""No money required." That's good." ""No... money... required."" "Now, what else?" "Wanted..." ""Wanted." That's good." ""'Sperienced chicken farmer."" "How do you spell 'sperience?" "E-x-p..." ""E-x", you're kidding?" "E-x-p-e-r..." "What do you know?" "E-x-p..." "Honey, we got some answers to our ad." "Oh, any good ones?" "Well, this sounds pretty good, but he's got 12 children." "There's no place to put them all." "Well, don't throw away his address." "He sounds like a great customer for our eggs." "Here's a kid who's going to agricultural college." "Oh, he sounds good." "Well, he's not for us, though." "He's a sophomore, and he wants us to hold the job open until he graduates." "Oh, no." "Here's one I haven't seen yet." "Let's see." ""In answer to your ad," ""I present the following qualifications." ""I was born and raised on a farm in the Midwest," ""and I'm very familiar with chickens." ""I am an industrious, intelligent and reliable veteran of World War I."" "Oh, he's an old codger." ""Although my wife and I live in the city," ""we're most anxious to return to the simple life." ""Having been in show business" ""for a long while, I feel especially qualified" ""for this position since over the years, I have laid many an egg myself."" "He's got a good sense of humor." "Yeah." ""If you're interested, just open your front door." ""My wife and I are waiting" ""on the porch." "Sincerely yours, Fred H. Mertz."" "Oh, no!" "Are they kidding?" "Oh!" "Fred and Ethel!" "I don't believe it." "What is this?" "I hear you're looking for a good hired hand." "We almost froze hiding out there." "We thought you'd never come out for the mail." "Oh, honestly." "You mean, this whole thing isn't a joke?" "We were never more serious in our lives." "We've been talking about it ever since we left here Saturday." "Just made the decision this morning." "This morning?" "Well, how'd your letter get here so fast?" "We brought it up with us on the train and stuck it in your mailbox." "Oh, for heaven's sake." "Didn't you notice the stamp?" "No." "No." "An Easter seal." "You don't think Fred'd waste three cents?" "Oh, honey!" "Oh, come on in!" "I was afraid you'd catch onto it." "Oh, I never had an idea." "Ah, what a nice surprise!" "Glad to be here." "Gosh, imagine you two applying for the job." "Why, we never thought of you." "No." "We never thought of us either until after we got to town." "We've been talking about it ever since." "Fred was so excited, he couldn't sleep." "I can top that." "Ethel was so excited, she couldn't eat." "Oh, honey, I just think this is marvelous." "And best of all, if you give us the job, we'll be near you again." "Of course you've got the job." "Fred, do you really know anything about chickens?" "Well, for the past 25 years, I've been henpecked." "Remember, Rick, I told you I was raised on a farm." "Well, partner, you got yourself a job." "We're in the chicken business together." "Fine." "Oh, that's wonderful." "Hey, what about your apartment?" "Mrs. Trumbull's sister wants to move in and manage the building for us." "Oh, that's wonderful." "She'll move in anytime we give her the high sign." "Well, that's just wonderful." "Then it's all settled, huh?" "Lucy, Lucy..." "What?" "Well, now, we can't move into the guest house until all of our stuff gets here." "Oh, honey, you can stay in our spare room upstairs." "Oh, good, fine." "Sure." "Well, look, we can start in the chicken business right away." "Let's see now." "What do we want first?" "Baby chicks." "Hold it, Lucy." "Hold it." "We got a lot of fixing up to do in that henhouse." "I gotta paint, plaster, put up chicken wire." "That'll take at least a week." "A week?" "Yes." "Oh, my." "Well, if we're gonna live with you for a week, before we can go into business together, we want to pay you rent." "Oh, Ethel, no." "No, that's out of the question." "I'll say it is." "Fred, we are paying rent." "Oh, for corn's sake." "What's so funny?" "I was just thinking, after all these years," "I'm going to be Fred's landlord." "Well, I hope you'll be a good one, Rick." "Well, I'll try to be as good a landlord as you were." "Uh-oh, we're in trouble." "Oh-ho-ho!" "Brrrr!" "Yoo-hoo!" "Anybody home?" "Just the hired hand, ma'am." "Hi." "Oh, hi, Fred." "Where's Little Ricky?" "He's next door, playing with the Ramsey kid." "Oh." "What have you been doing, Fred?" "Plastering the cracks in the henhouse all afternoon that you were supposed to help me with." "That's what I've been doing, Fred." "The hired help seems to be getting nastier all the time." "What have you been doing?" "Well, we..." "You tell him, Lucy." "Okay." "Well, as you know, Fred, we went into the village to do a little shopping and we just happened to pass the hatchery and we went in to browse." "Well, we just couldn't resist." "Fred, you and Ethel are now the proud parents of 500 baby chicks!" "Congratulations, you old rooster." "The same to you, you old hen." "We can have them delivered next week when the henhouse is ready." "Oh, the henhouse is fine, and after all, chickens aren't fussy." "Yeah, we were just down there." "And your little family seems to love it." "Holy mackerel!" "Do you mean to tell me that you put 500 baby chicks in that henhouse?" "Yeah." "Why not?" "Are you crazy?" "In this cold weather, they'll freeze their fuzz off." "Well, Fred, they're all in boxes." "Oh... but they gotta be kept warm." "Now you phone that hatchery and tell them to send two brooders over here right away." "Two brooders?" "Yes." "Right away." "Come on now, you help me bring those chickens in here so they'll stay warm." "Oh, I will, I will." "I never heard of such a thing." "Freeze their fuzz off?" "Okay!" "Okay, Fred, careful on the step." "Yeah." "Take off the feed, Lucy." "Take the feed." "Gee, it is cold out there." "Whew!" "Did you phone the hatchery?" "Oh, yes, Fred, I did, but they were already closed." "Oh, my!" "What'll we do with them, Fred?" "We'll keep them in the house till tomorrow." "Oh, it's a good thing we got this feed." "Uh, where shall we put them?" "What's the warmest room in the house?" "Well, the den, I guess." "It's right over the furnace." "Well, open the vents in the den and turn the heat up to 90." "Ninety?" "Yes, ninety." "We want to raise chickens, not roast them." "Baby chicks have to have a temperature of 90 degrees." "Now, don't stand there and argue." "Turn up the heat." "All right!" "All right." "Oh, my, that's the first time in his life" "Fred's ever said, "Turn up the heat."" "You never did this for me." "You're no chicken, Ethel." "Where's a good place?" "Right here." "right here, Fred." "Oh, oh..." "Ooh, ooh..." "Push it over a little bit." "Oh, boy." "Whew!" "Hey, let's take the boxes... the covers off the boxes." "I'll bet it's very stuffy in here." "I'll go and check the furnace." "We gotta keep these chickens warm." "Okay." "Oh, aren't they the cutest little things you ever saw?" "Oh, God love them." "Aren't they funny?" "Hello, you little darlings." "Oh, my goodness." "Look at those little things." "Hello, lovie." "They're so soft and sweet." "You can hardly feel one in your hands." "Hey, listen." "They're talking about Fred." "They're talking about Fred?" "Yeah, they're saying, "cheap, cheap, cheap."" "Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello!" "Gee, I bet they're hungry." "Let's feed them." "Okay." "I'll push this back." "You stay in those boxes till I get ready for you." "Lucy, what are you doing?" "I'm setting the table for their dinner." "Don't you just leave them in the boxes?" "No, it's too cramped in there." "They gotta have elbow room." "You're gonna let them out?" "Yeah, we'll put them all down here." "Sure." "Oh, well, I'll get mine out, huh?" "Yeah." "Come on, honey." "Come on, honey." "Come on." "Come and get it!" "Come on, honey." "Oh, you're gonna have some food." "Come and get it." "Isn't this fun?" "Come on." "Here you go." "Get out there." "Wow-dee-oh!" "Wow-dee-yow-dee!" "Here you go!" "Get out from underneath there." "Come on there, fellas." "Here you go." "Come on." "Here you are." "Get out." "Right over there." "Right over there." "Here you are, get out." "Go, go, go." "Oh, my." "Come and get it!" "Over here, come on, fellows." "Over here, over here, over here." "Come on." "Come on." "Here you are." "Here you are." "Oh, careful, Fred, careful." "Careful!" "Oh, come on." "Goodness sakes, why'd you let them out?" "So they'd have room to eat." "It's crowded in those boxes." "Well, I guess it'll be all right for a few minutes." "It's hot in here now." "Yeah." "Oh, boy, I'll say it is." "Say, watching them eat has made me kind of hungry." "Let's have a little snack, Lucy?" "Okay, good idea." "Not till you put those chickens back in their boxes." "Oh, no, Fred, let them eat." "We'll put them back in after we finish." "Good-bye." "Come on, fellas." "Enjoy your dinner." "Have a good time." "There you go, over there." "Over there." "Oh, brother." "Wall-to-wall chickens!" "Oh, boy, it was hot in there." "I'll say." "Gee, I don't want to be around when Ricky finds 500 chickens in the den." "I'll tell you one thing." "He's gonna be plenty miserable when he starts reading his newspaper." "What do you want to eat, Ethel?" "Oh, just something to nibble on." "How about a chicken leg?" "Shh, Ethel!" "Oh, I hope they didn't hear you." "I'm sorry, honey." "My gosh." "Most chicken farmers only have foxes to worry about." "We got Ethel, too." "Mommy!" "Oh, boy!" "Boy, those chicks are noisy little fellows, aren't they?" "Yeah, they have strong lungs." "You can hear them all the way from the den." "If I didn't know," "I'd swear they were right in the next room." "Mommy, look!" "Oh, hi, sweetheart." "Oh, yeah, you found them." "Isn't that the sweetest thing?" "Did you close the den door, dear?" "I don't remember." "You don't remember?" "Oh, Lucy!" "Oh, no!" "Oh, my gosh." "Oh, no wonder they sounded like they were right in the next room." "Quick, open the vents and let in more heat." "Hurry." "Oh, my...." "Oh, fellas, fellas, come on now." "Chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp." "Back to the den." "Oh, dear!" "Come on, fellas." "Come on." "Back, back, back." "Back to the den." "Back to the den." "To the rear march!" "To the rear march!" "Oh, come on, fellas." "Come on, now." "Come on, come on, come on, come on." "Come on, come on." "Fred, what'll we do?" "You were raised on a farm." "I don't know." "We were kind of funny farmers." "We kept our chickens in the henhouse." "Come on now." "431..." "432... 433." "Now, let's see." "Oh, Ethel, we're still missing 67 chicks." "Oh... well, where would you go if you were 67 chicks?" "Anywhere to get out of this 90-degree heat." "They gotta be around here somewhere." "Chick, chick, chick, chick, chick." "Come on, come on, chickens." "Chick, chick, chick, chick, chick, chick." "Oh, where's Fred?" "He's making us some lemonade." "Oh, good for him." "Chick, chick, chick, chick..." "Chicky-chicky-chicky, chick, chick, chick!" "Come on." "Chicky, chicky, chicky!" "Oh... 65" " I just found two more." "Come on out of..." "Come on!" "Come on!" "All right." "Come and get it!" "Cool and refreshing." "There you are." "Oh!" "Oh!" "I know, I know." "Oh, boy, that just hits the spot!" "Oh, I'll say it does." "It's like a steam bath in here." "What's the latest count?" "65 still at large." "Any suggestions?" "Yeah." "Let's wait till they grow up." "They'll be easier to find." "Hello?" "Oh, we're in here, honey." "Hey, it's hot in here." "Yeah." "Why, it's over 90." "Don't touch that thermostat!" "What's the matter?" "What's going on?" "What's all this?" "Why is the heat up so high?" "Why are you dressed up like that?" "What questions do you want me to answer:" ""What's going on?" "What's all this?"" ""Why is the heat up so high?"" "Or "why are we dressed like this?"" "Answer them all." "Okay." "Boy, it's hot!" "These are baby chicks and the heat's up so high so they won't freeze." "We're dressed like this so we won't roast, and this is all going on 'cause Little Ricky left the door to the den open, and would you care for some lemonade?" "Well, I like to think that I got into the wrong house, but I know I didn't." "No, you didn't." "Well, Rick, you see," "Lucy and I bought 500 baby chicks." "Yeah." "Aren't they cute, honey?" "Adorable, but what are they doing here?" "Well, we had to bring them into the house because these two dumb Doras didn't know that you have to keep baby chicks in brooders." "Why, anybody knows that you have to keep baby chicks in a brooder." "What's a brooder?" "It's a contraption to keep them warm." "Oh, well, come on." "Let's get them out of here, put them in the den and let's cool off the rest of the house." "We can't." "Why not?" "Because, sir, 65 of our chickens are missing" "Well, I can't stand this heat any longer." "Well, now, Rick, we gotta keep it this hot until we find the missing chicks." "All right, come on, let's find them." "Oh, we've been looking, Ricky." "Pollito, pollito, pollito, aqui, aqui, pollito!" "Pollito!" "Pollito!" "Ricky, in English." "In English." "Oh...." "Chick, chick, chick, chick, chick, chick, chick, chick!" "Chicky!" "Boy, it's hot in here." "Hey, there's a bunch of them out here under the clothes dryer!" "Well, get them out of there." "Oh, I can't reach them." "They're all huddled up against the wall." "I'll help you." "Chicky, come on." "Chicky!" "Come on, chick." "Chick, chick, chick!" "Are you getting them?" "No, I can't reach them either." "Well, you need any help?" "No." "I got an idea." "I think I'll pretend I'm their mother." "Maybe they'll follow me." "Hey, she's getting them." "Over here, honey." "Over here, honey." "That's it." "That's it." "Hi, Betty." "Lucy, these are the people from House and Garden magazine." "I don't think so." "Oh, dear, no." "I'll call you later, Lucy." "Oh, dear!" "Now we'll never get our picture in House and Garden." "That's all right, honey." "Don't worry." "Maybe we'll make the next issue of Chicken Breeders' Gazette." "Oh..." "Come on." "Come on." "Come on." "Come on."