"Look at me, right?" "And look at the Queen." "I was never a fan until it occurred to me how much me and Ma'am have in common." "Bringing up kiddies you can't remember the names of." "I know she's not a single parent but she might as well be." "Plus, the pair of us, we've stuck to our guns - her, literally, sometimes - and flagshipped a dying breed." "Admired and despised equally." "Not for never lifting a finger - no, for setting examples through extremity." "And whether you're a bigwig on her end or a bigwig on mine, you've still got all your dickheads in the middle to deal with - snip, snip, snipping at your benefits." "I mean, she can't not be looking at me and thinking," ""What's your secret, Frank?"" "I got shot of my kids yonks back, whereas, she's yet to see the back of a single one." "Fine, I've had to get out of bed on occasion, to make ends meet, whereas she, she's done the whole thing from a chair!" "Oh, and a drink for the lady." "Oh, sure, there's perks but, look at her lot " "Brian May prancing about on her roof." "Now, look at my lot... we know how to throw a proper fucking party!" "Why are people afraid of routine?" "I know how each day begins, I know how it ends, and I know what to expect in between." "That doesn't mean that life's passing me by or that I'm stuck in me ways - I can have fun... ..but I believe in responsibility and reliability." "It's a strength." "Leave it to fools to rush in." "To gamble with their futures and other people's, to risk losing it all because they twist, not stick." "As if getting a new job, moving to a new town, or riding a stinking camel across the desert is going to make their lives any better." "Just want to run a check on a Dr Martin Fisher." "Sticking with what you know can only make you stronger." "No, ta..." "I'll stick to council pop." "Urgh!" "My head's been pickled, man." "Small wonder, you really went for it." "What?" " You don't remember." " Remember what?" "Oh, no, don't worry, I won't say anything." "Oh, I just got to take this." "Hello?" "You're winding me up." "Kassi Blanco?" "No, mate." "Yeah, I'm Kassi Blanco." "DCI Morgan." "I have a warrant to search these premises." "What's this all about?" "Well, it starts with fake mortgage applications, goes on to spurious bank accounts, money laundering, fraud - want me to go on?" "No, I have no idea what you're talking about." "I'll have to caution you." "What's going on?" "It's fine, I have nothing to hide." "Will you get that?" "Dad's asleep." "We're looking for Dr Martin Fisher and Kelly Ball." "Wrong house, love." "Mind if we have a look around?" "Got a warrant?" "What did dibble want?" "Looking for Marty and Kelly." "Ah, I haven't worn that jacket in ages." "Celebrating Ramadan, were you?" "Er, godfather at a Christening." "Need you to come down the station, answer a few questions." "Your accounts, your assets - all been frozen pending our investigation." "I'll be back soon." "I can just see it now - few kids running about, you washing the car, me sunbathing, IKEA on a Saturday, garden centre on a Sunday..." "Give 'em a ring, we should have heard from 'em by now." "Hello, yes, this is Dr Fisher..." "Sorry?" "All right, Willy Wanka?" "Just looking for some tissues, to mop up." "Marty, what is it?" "Oh, yeah, police were round our place earlier, looking for you two." "Our mortgage has been rejected." "What we going to do?" "We've lost the bleeding lot!" "We could stay here?" "Oh, piss off." "Go back to Frank's?" "Hello, Kelly, love, you all right?" "Never better." "You look as if you've seen a ghost." "Here you are... ..all you need is love... but a likkle chocolate now and then doesn't hurt either." "Could always...see if Lillian would take you back?" "More, more!" "More, more, yeah!" "I hope they've gone to a better place." "Chinese Dave's made sure of it." "What?" "I said stop squawking and get on with the cleaning." "It's a hot tub, not a duck pond!" "Duck shit's a right bugger to shift." "Vodka and baking soda - works every time." "What's going on?" "Nothing." "No charges." "Money laundering, fraud - didn't sound like nothing." "Nothing, for now." "I can help get a brief, you know, get this sorted." "Jamie, believe me, I know what I'm doing." "It's not a pub brawl." "I really shouldn't have tried to pass Marty and Kelly off as doctors." "What, this is their fault?" "No, no, tip of the iceberg." "Daft buggers didn't look everywhere!" "Pension, eh?" "You're going to chip, just like that?" "Well, one door closes, another one opens." "Right, I'm going to start packing!" "What the fuck's going on?" "I just need somewhere to lay low for a few days." "What's happening here?" "I'll tell you what's happening here." "I've got five minutes, Shane, I don't want any pissing about," "I just want you to fuck me from behind and stick your thumb up my arse." "Are you taking the piss?" "Do I look like I'm taking the piss?" "Shane?" "You in, mate?" "I won't warn you again, Maguire, this is the third time in a month we've had complaints about underage drinking!" "How many times do I have to come over?" "I'll sort it." "You'd better." "Sick of the sight of that lot today." "What you doing here anyway?" "I need a favour, you still got the van?" "Yes, why?" "My brother's screwed up - for once, it's not you." "What the fuck do you want?" "I want you two to do one, now." "Hang on, you can't tell us what to do." "I just did." "You've got 20 minutes to pack up and leave." "Ha!" "Now!" "I swear down!" "I'm not doing it." "I'm not coming back to this life, Marty." "Up shit creek in a barbed wire canoe!" "You know what?" "Fuck it!" "Let's just go!" "We were going to do anyway." "That's when we thought we had somewhere to go to!" "We're back to square one!" "I like square ones!" "Look, you said so yourself, the estate's dead from the neck up!" "We've got nowt but the clothes on our back." "That's all we've ever had... ..and at least they're ours." "Give us a hand with this, Jamie." "It stinks here." "I can sort the lekky easy enough." "Maybe get a cleaner in..." "We can manage." "It's not quite what you're used to, is it?" "Oh, no, honestly, it's fine." "Look... we'll be OK." "I'll leave you to it then." "Thanks, Jamie." "I'm going to bagsy a bedroom." "Not before me!" "Careful where you put that lollipop stick." "Who the hell are you lot?" "You should've seen the look on his face when we pulled up." "He's been here before." "Yeah, only for an afternoon." "He might've thought it was colourful then but now he has to live here." "Kassi's not like that." "No?" "I never asked to be dragged into this." "I went for a beer, ended up sat in handcuffs wondering what the fuck'sgoing on." "It's not like he planned it." ""Live a little, Jamie." Like I'm the one needs help." "He treats me like his fucking driver." "Has she gone then?" "Who?" "Swear word." "What you talking about?" "I'm not going to say her name..." "She means Kelly." "She's gone, Lillian." "What was I thinking, bringing them here?" "They needed somewhere to go, and you found them a place." "It's not exactly a match, is it, the Blancos and the Chatsworth estate?" "It might do you good to spend a bit more time together." "Going for a few beers I can handle." "His smug face at my doorstep 24-7 I did not sign up for." "Stella, couple more beers?" "How d'you get that?" "Twocking." "You hear about that grandma who got one for playing Frank Sinatra all the time?" " Really?" " Yeah." "Stella, they're warm!" "Oi!" "I'll cut your cock off when I catch you!" "This place is messed up." "Stella!" "I'm gonna punch your head in!" "Ta-da!" "Took a lot of guts to come here, you know?" "Never been of my own accord." "Don't be so bloody soft, Shane." "What?" "Just want to finish what we nearly started." " They had you in as well, Maguire?" " No, Jack." "Wankers." "Yeah." "Absolutely." "Look, I've gotta go back to work." "Might nip to the bogs for a diddle first, though." "Gastric Bandits?" "Bloody hell, Frank, could you be any more offensive?" "No, no, they love it." "I love it." "Once a week we get up to all sorts, fantastic." "It's mutually beneficial, and we have an agreement." "Mind you, might have to find a new venue now, though." "Oh, don't worry about that." "We'll be gone before you know it." "Oh, that's a shame." "A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men." "Ever tried a wigwam?" "What's that?" "Me and Kassi tried it once with a woman we met in Marrakech." "C'est Kassi nouveau." "Utilisez ce numero, les policiers ont l'autre." "Ta." "Are these mushrooms any good?" "Any good?" "They're Amsterdam shit yer pants good!" "Oh, my God!" "Strong, aren't they?" "They are, yeah." "Me Mam used to do that..." "Frank?" "I let her down, Esther." "I let her down." "Don't cry, Frank." "Here, let me get you another drink." "Got none." "There's a shop in the square." "Oh, God." "Oh." "Miss her?" "Miss who, love?" "Swear word." "She was like a daughter to me." "Apart from the prostitute bit." "She stole from you." "That's family for you." "You told your mum about them moving in yet?" "Been avoiding it." "He's made it pretty clear what he thinks of Mam." "He'll say something smartarse, she'll say something insulting." "And then I'll have to sort it." "Again." "It'll be worse if Mimi sniffs them out first." "I'll go round tomorrow." "I'm seeing the words shit and fan..." "Get away, boy!" "No, get away." "Down boy, down." "Tam?" "Whose is this dog?" "Woof woof!" "What's going on out here?" "He's my lad." "Tam, get inside the house!" "No worries, love." "We've all been there." "A son wouldn't be a son if he didn't go off the rails every now and again." "So you're our new neighbours?" "We are, yeah." "I'm Esther Blanco." "My husband's Jamie Maguire's brother." "Bit of a funny story, actually." "He's only just found out he's got a brother, turns out his mum had a threesome, totally forgot that her husband had been up her..." "I'll stop you there, love." "I'm Mimi." "I'm Jamie's mother!" "What's he on?" "Industrial strength mushrooms." "Forgot to mention, your new stepmum's Chatsworth's answer to Pablo Escobar, only she's got a bigger 'tache." "Even God got to relax on a Sunday." "What's this shite they've got on anyway?" "I like it." "What's this shite you're reading?" "Thalia, turn that down!" "Aargh!" "Easier to train a dog than a Saul, eh, Tam?" "Yeah, if you're going to do drugs, don't get caught." "Milkman." "Hi, I thought you might er..." "Hi Frank, you eaten?" "No." "Christening the new abode last night, were we?" "Walls, paper thin." "What is it?" "He'll expect Waitrose, not bloody Chesco." "Is that tramp living here now?" "Leave him alone." "I like Cha Cha." "Ring me." "Still no joy?" "Well, it's Sunday morning." "It's earlier in France." "All right, pal?" "Careful Frank, he's a zero-watt bulb." "Fancy a game of idiots, Cha Cha?" "Go on then, how do you play it?" "Saul, here!" "Don't ever do that again, you hear me?" "Go to the shop round the corner and get some eggs." "Could have been worse, Frank." "Come in, come in." "I'm Karen - we've just brought you some bits..." "Oh, thank you, you didn't have to..." "All right, Jamie." "Just welcoming the family." "Yeah, piss off, Frank." "Yeah, will do." "I found this baby oil." "Can I rub it on your arse cheeks?" "How much of that book have you read?" "Oh, babe." "I do understand, you know." "How it feels when your chicks have flown the nest." "You comparing my kids to ducks?" "All right to have a quick shower, Mam?" "Why not." "Every other fucker's interrupted me peace." "Fucking hell, Mam, what you doing?" "Do you know anything about our Jamie and those arseholes next door?" "Yeah, he borrowed the van off me yesterday." "And I'm the last one to know as per?" "How am I supposed to know that you didn't know?" "You would if any of you bothered coming to see me any more." "I'm here now, aren't I?" "Are you here to see me or use the facilities?" "This place isn't a hotel, you know." "Hotels have locks on the doors!" "Don't forget to wash your bell end." "Piss off!" "You don't want to encourage Frank, you know." "He's a parasite." "Ah, it's fine." "Esther's fond of him." "You'll never get rid." "We'll be away soon anyway." "Oh, yeah, the big mystery." "No, no." "No mystery." "We're going to France." "I've got an investment out there, just about ripe." "You think the police are gonna let you jet off and enjoy the European vibe?" "Why are you so bothered?" "I was sat in handcuffs day before yesterday." "If you've dragged me into this shit, I want to know about it." "You drag yourself into shit if our night out is anything to go by." "What's that supposed to mean?" "Wouldn't you love to know?" "Can you not just answer a straight fucking question?" "Calm down." "Keep moving, that's my motto." "No point hanging around." ""Stop you right there, love." "I'm Jamie's mother!"" "Wish I'd been there." "Got them!" "Well at least they're eggs." "You lot, outside." "Coffee?" "No, ta, best get off." "Need to see me mum." "Have some breakfast first." "Yeah, Mimi won't feed you." "What do you think you're doing?" "Chillaxing." "That hot tub belongs to me." "It's in our garden." "Are you our new grandma?" "No, I'm your worst nightmare." "Now get out of there." "Get out!" "Get out!" "OK, pipe down, saggy tits." "I'll drag you outta there, you little dipstick." "Mam!" "Mam!" "What you doing?" "Don't ever lay a finger on him again!" "Or any of them!" "Or what?" "!" "And what the fuck are you playing at moving them in?" "!" "I'm just helping them out." "He's family." "Not my fucking family!" "Morning..." "Ah, another Maguire boy!" "You any better at keeping your mother under control?" " What?" " He's my husband!" "You're proper giving me tinnitus." "Get that hot tub back in my yard, pronto!" "I'll sort this." "What you doing?" "Thought you'd want to see me." "Not here!" "Put your hands down my pants." "I dare you." "Cuff me." "Oh, you dirty bastard." "What's going on?" "It's all cool, Mam, I've just got to answer some questions about Shane's World." "Boys will be boys, eh, Mimi?" "You - get in, dickhead." "But..." "NOW!" "They've got one of those big plasmas next door." "Need to nip this in the bud, Frank, she's getting out of control." "?" "Confusion in her eyes that says it all, she's lost control" "?" "And she's clinging to the nearest passer by, she's lost control... ?" "You're really putting your mum through it, you know." "Look, it's hard for her, watching you grow up, make bad decisions." "I'm sorry for putting you through it." "Doesn't bother me." "I actually think they're all right." "Kids seem like a right laugh." "It's just, hard for your Mum, you know?" "Really?" "Just buy her a bunch of flowers every now and then." "You know, show her that you care." "I'll do me best." "I'm glad we can have a chat like this, you know, father to son." "See you later, mate." "Oh, mmm." "Oh, God, yeah." "Like that, like that." "Ahhhh!" "Juliet Bravo!" "Jane Tennison!" "Cagney and Lacey!" "Dave..." "Cree...gan!" "Aaaaah!" "Fuck." "Right." "Back to work." "What?" "What about me?" "You can wank on me tits, but you'll have to be quick." "Right." "'Any units near the Chatsworth Estate, please proceed...'" "Tell you what, why don't we save it for later?" "I love a messy cream pie." "I'll be there in three minutes, guv." "Try it again." "Boarding pass." "So your ferry leaves on Tuesday?" "Yes." "Cherbourg is nearer to Brittany that Caen, isn't it?" "How would I know with my dull little life?" "Mind if I check my e-mails while I'm here?" "Knock yourself out." "Here you are, lads." "Watch this." "In three, two, one..." "He's pure mental!" "How's it going, fella?" "Nice to see you." "Nice to see you, mate." "Do you know him?" "Apparently, yeah." "Sorry, love, this is a no smoking area." "Who the hell does she think she is?" "!" "I know, you can smoke in here." "Mmmm." "Go in there and ask Mimi if she's ever done space docking." "Space docking?" "!" "Mate - she'll go sick!" "I like them." "Two pair for £7, Wigan Market." "Mimi, have you ever done space docking?" "Fucking space docking?" "!" "Coming round here, corrupting our kids!" "Lowering the tone!" "I don't know where you come from, but this is a nice estate, for nice people!" "Calm down, Mam." "Calm down?" "Shut the fuck up, Judas!" "What's that mean?" "You know exactly what it means." "It's just kids mucking about." "What's it matter?" "It matters to me!" "Billy, home!" "But it's my turn." "I won't tell you again..." "It's not funny." "Oh, it is though, Esther." "What's wrong?" "Kassi!" "Fuck sake." "Dad, what's the matter?" "Kassi?" "Kassi?" "Where you going, mate?" "!" "Hey!" "Kassi!" "Stop!" "What you doing?" "What the fuck's going on?" "It has nothing to do with you!" "Really?" "Feels like it's got everything to do with me." "My family, my pub, my fucking world." "Know whose that is?" "No." "Good." "Coming?" "I mean, where were you going?" "France." "I meant, in this." "Before you realised the tank was empty?" "Fight or flight, Jamie." "You don't know where you're going, you don't know what you're doing, what do you know?" "Fuck all." "That's the truth, isn't it?" "You cause chaos and expect everyone else to clean up your mess." "I never asked for your help!" "It didn't stop you taking it!" "I've been chasing your tail for two days and are you grateful?" "Are you fuck!" "Oh yeah, that's it, walk away." "Where are you gonna run to this time, eh?" "Spain, Mexico, Kuala fucking Lumpur?" "Yeah, you sit there coming up with your next big story." "I don't know what to do." "Where's Dad?" "Don't worry, he'll be back." "So what was this big idea?" "Pear cider, invested in a couple of units in Brittany." "Are you taking the piss?" "You really are a screw-up." "I never lost this much before." "Always had a back-up, never thought it would all go to shit all at once." "I don't know how you live day to day like that, I really don't." "Well, that's because your apron strings are still umbilical cords." "Family's family." "I'm not sure mine will be that pleased to see me." "You'll be all right." "Esther and the kids adore you, think the sun shines out of your arse." "Fuck knows why." "Look..." "I might need to hang around for a while." "Just until I get back on my feet." "If you can make things right with Mam, then, maybe it could work." "One more thing..." "What did happen, the night we went out?" "Anyone ever tell you you worry too much?" "That how you deal with all your problems, just throw food at it?" "I've lived in a war zone and I don't fancy doing it again." "Saul, take these round to Mimi, tell her you're sorry." "Oh, do I have to?" "Yes." "Will you come with me Cha Cha?" "Yeah." "Don't forget to invite her for dinner, eight o'clock." "Tell your mother she can stick it up her arse!" "And you turn up to work looking like that, Gallagher, and I'll cut your knackers off." "Do you think she'll come?" "I'm gonna fuck you like you've never been fucked before." "Shane?" "Fuck, it's Jamie, hide!" "You all right towel head?" "You all right?" "Aye." "Fuck me, have you ODed on Viagra or something?" "Nah, nah, nah, it's just... ..sit down, take the weight off your head." "How's it going with Ali Baba, then?" "Total disaster." "Mam's going mental." "That's good..." "What's good?" "Mam..." "Ali Baba." "What's up with you?" "Nothing, why?" "Are you banging that pig?" "She's not a pig." "And no, I'm not." "Is she a copper?" "Yes, technically..." "Well, then she's a pig." "Is she here?" "!" "It's got nothing to do with you." "Oh, don't you fucking tell me that as well." "For fucks sake!" "Argh!" "I will have to save this one for the wank bank, leave you to it, boys." "Get fucking off me!" "Maybe Mimi could sit next to Saul?" "Stop it." "You promised you'd try." "Haven't had a chance to give you a proper welcome." "I'm Lillian." "A little something for you." "Isn't that kind?" "Thought you'd like it." "It's filthy." "Lillian, would you like to come to dinner this evening?" "You can be our uninvited guest." "You mean, I'm not invited?" "Sorry?" "If I'm uninvited." "It's a Jewish thing." "Eight o'clock?" "Lovely." "I'll bring a bottle of bubbly." "Ciao for now." "Why do I get the feeling you're not taking this seriously?" "Are you going round the Wankos later then, Frank?" "You?" "Am I shite." "Well, I think you should." "Why's that?" "You're a religious lady, Mimi, love thy neighbour and don't sell mushrooms to their kids." "You better keep that to yourself, Gallagher, you know what side your bread's buttered." "Indeed I do." "Amos, sort your bloody uniform out, you look like nobody's child." "Are you all right, gorgeous?" "No, I'm sick of people telling me I should go round there tonight." "Whoever it is, I agree with them." "Why not?" "Why should I be the one to make an effort?" "I'm the victim in all this!" "Just give them a chance." "No point shitting on your own doorstep." "Look's like Mum's coming to this dinner tonight, after all." "What changed her mind?" "Dunno." "Tonight at eight, be there." "Listen, I would love to help." "But I really don't see myself as a diplomatic sort." "Plus, I am definitely on a promise tonight." "I think, if I cancel, my balls just might explode." "I need back-up." "Plus, I'll tell Mam you're shagging a pig if you don't come." "Bollocks!" "You smell great." "Like erm... ..strawberry laces." "It's not as good as Jane Eyre laid bare." "Ta." "Where have you two been?" "Reminiscing." "You're brave for inviting this lot round, aren't you?" "Ah, well, you're a brave lot for coming." "Like waiting for the executioner." "Is he coming too?" "Brace yourselves." "Hi, are you all right?" "Yeah, come in, come in." "Why don't you put her down upstairs?" "Cheers." "Look at you all dressed up." "Even Saul's impressed." "Ah, the guest of honour." "Whose side are you here for?" "I'm the uninvited." "She's the fucking brain dead." "Can I borrow your phone Uncle Jamie?" "Course you can, mate." "Oh!" "Bonjour tout le monde." "No French allowed Frank." "D'accord." "You're over there." "Aidan not coming?" "Thankfully, no." "He lacks the complex attributes required to make a person socially attractive." "And he's got a tag." "Well, this is very cosy, isn't it?" "Family gathering... ..should have a game of charades." "I'm good at that." "Can I go first?" "Two words... ..fuck off." "Are you lot taking the piss?" "That takes me back." "It's not what you think, I drew it for Frank." "Whose side are you on then, Frank?" "I think I'm the one on the bottom." "I meant here, you pleb." "I'm Switzerland." "This is, er, really nice, Esther." "Better than your Mum's?" "Nah, it's not better, it's just..." "It's just what?" "Different!" "Try some Borek, Mimi?" "Er, I've got plenty, thank you." "Are you sure, babe, this is mint." "Had a big lunch at school." "Jamie mentioned you helped out at the local primary." "It's a bit more than fucking helping out." "Must be a handful, dealing with kids from round here." "It's not so much the "round here" that's the problem." "Once you get them in, they're putty in your hands." "I find it's back at home where the real issues lie." "I've found it." "The term space docking refers to a man..." "I'm finished." "I'm gonna see Aidan." "They're making an effort." "Why don't you?" "Taking their side again?" "Give it a fucking rest, Mam." "Eh, don't talk to your mum like that." "At least I've still got one son who hasn't let me down." "Who hasn't let you down!" "Well, he's shagging a fucking cop!" "He's what?" "!" "I'm really fucking not!" "What the fuck are you laughing at?" "Who do you think you are, Lady Muck?" "Do you think we've had it easy?" "Sit down, Esther." "No!" "She hasn't got a monopoly on hard lives." "See him, he nursed me and Tam through meningitis when he was 18 years old!" "And he's Palestinian, you think that's easy?" "!" "Someone's had a shit in the hot tub." "Is that for the space docking?" "What did I tell you?" "They're fucking animals." "Was it you?" "Why would I grass on myself?" "Him!" "It's gotta be him." "How do we know you didn't do it yourself?" "And why would I do it myself?" "To get a reaction like this!" "I'm not one to shit on me own doorstep." "It was me, I'm sorry." "Breakfast burrito." "Saul!" "Jesus Christ!" "I know you didn't have a burrito for breakfast." "Why say you did?" "Cos I know you put that shit in the hot tub." "You're accusing me?" "Well you did, didn't you?" "Well, that stuck up cow needed a lesson in Chatsworth hospitality." "We look like idiots now." "No, I look like an idiot." "Same as any other day." "Looking to me for sympathy?" "What even gave you the idea?" "Well, in a way you did." "What, you actually listened to summat I had to say?" "Ah, I love how our relationship just keeps getting stronger and stronger..." "You gave me the idea to have a shit in the hot tub, Billy, don't get carried away, you fucking nob!" "Yes!" "Guess I fucked it up again." "I think my stepdad taking a shit in your hot tub was the low point." "Well, best get him indoors." "Night, Uncle Jamie." "Night, mate." "Thanks, Jamie." "For everything, I mean." "'It's human nature to adapt." "'You might not want change but life sticks two fingers up at that." "'It happens." "Sometimes for better, sometimes for worse." "'Either way we live with it and carry on." "'So why spend so much time worrying about the things 'that could go wrong?" "'Stop worrying and enjoy what you have now." "'Because nobody knows what's waiting for them on the horizon, 'not even me!" "'" "We're going into business together." "Chesco's getting an upgrade." "Yep..." "It's a shithole." "I don't want to work in a car wash." "We take three times more than others make round here." "This place?" "Living in the moment, mate, wouldn't change a thing." "Money laundering, fraud by misrepresentation..." "He's in a fucking police cell!" "He'll be back by the end of the week." "It's a drive through suck shop!" "I think I've just signed half my shop away to an Islamic terrorist." "Gladiator, are you ready?" "Three, two, one!" "Urgh!"