"SPORTS ANNOUNCER:" "And this game is going into extra innings." "And here we go." "Who needs a pizza when you've got a lovingly crafted saffron risotto with butternut squash?" "Now then..." "I toasted the rice in butter to bring out an intriguing nuttiness." "Then I coddled it in wine to coax out the full flavor, maximizing its natural..." "Done." "Done." "Any more mashed potatoes?" "Yeah." "It's risotto, which you would know if you'd let it linger in your mouth instead of opening your throat like a seagull." "Well, no more for me." "I'm having dinner with Brooke." "And afterwards, please make yourself scarce." "I'm hoping we end up back here for a little nightcap, if you know what I mean." "Yes, I always know what you mean, Oscar, because you only ever talk about sex and hamburgers." "Ah, your cologne, Oscar." "I had to go to three stores to find Obsession for Men." "Apparently it's bar mitzvah season." "Hey, Felix." "Oh, hey." "Dani and I are thinking about going to that new movie theater tonight that serves alcohol." "Oh, what's showing?" "I don't know; they serve alcohol." "Sorry, I would love to, but I have an event here tonight." "Oh, and don't worry, Oscar." "We will be exiting before you are entering, if you know what I..." "Now you've got me doing it." "What assortment of weirdos are you hosting tonight?" "Book club, string quartet, paranoid old people?" "It's called Neighborhood Watch." "And no, tonight is all about LARPing." "LARPing?" "What's LAR..." "No, no, no, no, no!" "Now he's gonna tell us what it us." "LARP stands for live action role play." "Every year my historical society and I put on an event at Ellis Island." "We dress in turn of the century garb and recreate the immigration experience for schoolchildren." "It is quite the educational tool." "And so are you." "Thank you." "Tonight we meet and mingle before we enter the time machine of our imaginations." "You know, we're looking for volunteers, if anyone would like to join us." "Oh, that-that sounds amazing." "You should look up "amazing."" "No, really." "I've a-always wanted to do that." "You should look up "desperate."" "Well, I'm so glad you're going to join us, Emily." "The meeting starts promptly at 7:00, and don't be late, because we'll be assigning characters and handing out diseases." "If you're lucky, you'll get syphilis." "You should look up "lucky."" "You guys really need to get a dictionary." "Oh, how I envy you, Emily." "It's like they say." "You never forget your first LARP." "(chuckles)" "I am liking this crowd." "Not since Space Camp have I felt this hot." "Felix, thanks again for hosting us." "Oh, my pleasure." "Please don't let my generosity sway you when you're assigning characters." "Crab puff?" "Ooh, my favorite." "Really?" "I didn't know that." "Oh, did you hear about Roger?" "He passed away." "Oh, no." "Roger was the star of our little reenactments." "Such a huge loss." "He was a dear man." "He will be missed." "(whispering):" "Yes." "Not a fan of Roger?" "No, no, he was a nice enough fellow who spent the last ten years hogging the plum role of chief medical inspector while I have been clawing my way up from Czechoslovakian mental patient to assistant de-louser." "But now the field is wide open." "In fact, really, my only competition is..." "Hello, everyone." "...Stuart." "I see the tired and poor are here." "Oh, wait..." "that's just the Ludermans." "Will you look at that pompous, insufferable know-it-all." "You don't like him?" "Oh, please, he's everything that's not cool about LARPing." "Hello, Felix." "Stuart." "This is my friend Emily." "Emily, Stuart." "Nice to meet you." "Welcome." "It's my home." "I welcome people." "I meant welcome to the historical society." "It's always nice to have fresh faces, especially when those faces are as pretty as yours." "See?" "So hot." "And that's quite a beard you've got there." "Thank you. (chuckles)" "During the 1890s, beards were popular amongst men of high status, alderman, industrialists, chief medical inspectors." "Roger is not even in the ground, and you're growing facial hair to try to get his role?" "That is disgraceful." "So transparent." "Helen, do you have a light for my period-specific pipe?" "Here you go." "Can I interest you two in some dessert?" "Well, you could, but I was thinking maybe we could go back to my place for dessert." "Well, I wouldn't mind something a little sweet." "I think I could satisfy your sweet tooth." "Thank you for making me a part of your foreplay." "Hey, Oscar." "What are you doing here?" "I'm actually on a date." "I'd like to introduce you to..." "Brooke?" "Hey!" "Murph!" "(giggles)" "Oh, you two know each other?" "Yeah, we go way back." "God, you look great." "You look great, too." "How do you two know each other?" "Oh, we dated for a few months." "He was playing for the Mets and I was still working in player relations." "Don't worry, I didn't relate to all the players that way." "(laughter)" "Vague but alarming." "God, it was great to see you." "I'll let you guys get back to your meeting." "It's a date, Murph, we're on a date." "Jessica?" "Hey!" "Murph." "Yeah, Murph." "He's like a brother to me." "Is he like a brother to you?" "Oscar, are you worried about me and Murph?" "Because trust me, it was nothing." "Oh, good." "Yeah, we had nothing in common." "Our relationship was purely physical." "(weakly):" "Oh, good." "We never talked or went out." "It was the same thing over and over and over..." "Yeah, I get it." "A lot of overs." "Compliments of that big mountain of hot over there." "You play your cards right, you might get an upgrade." "(laughter)" "Of course, we were all sorry to lose Roger Keaton, who for ten years played our chief medical inspector." "Tragic loss." "Hard to replace." "But we must move on." "So our new chief inspector is..." "Felix Unger." "Oh, yes, thank you." "I don't know what sort of arduous process resulted in my selection..." "We flipped a coin." "...and I don't need to know, but thank you, gang!" "The rest of you, see me to get your parts." "Congratulations." "Oh, thank you." "Emily, when I was a child," "I was always the nerdy kid who corrected the museum guides." "But they can't kick me out and make me wait on the bus now." "Bully for you, Felix." "Wow, you're taking this well." "(in Irish brogue):" "After the potato famine," "I'm just lucky to be alive." "I see you're playing the Irish butcher." "Fun." "Common man." "And you, lassie, are going to be my lovely bride." "Aarr!" "I don't..." "That was..." "A pirate came out." "We will get you some dialect tapes so you're historically accurate." "Okay, or you could coach me." "(in Indian accent):" "We could go to an Irish pub and share a pint of ale." "(in normal voice):" "Nope, that is Indian." "I'm sorry, I would love to, but chief medical inspector is a big part and I've only got three days to learn it, so..." "Oh, okay." "I'd love to buy you a pint, Emily." "Really?" "Yeah." "We could figure out our backstory." "Where we're from, how we met..." "You saved me from a leprechaun." "What's real, what's fake." "Okay." "Sounds like fun." "How about we make it dinner?" "We can toast to our marriage." "Felix, are you sure you're okay if we leave the party early?" "Because I can stay." "Oh, no." "By all means." "Have fun." "I will." "Oh, damn this pipe!" "TEDDY:" "Madison needs to sink this to win." "Putts are breaking left to right, following the vacuum patterns of his anal-retentive roommate." "The crowd falls to a respectful hush, and..." "Miss it!" "Good day, Oscar." "Theodore." "Hey, what's up, Sergeant Pepper?" "For the next 24 hours, while I perfect my character," "I must ask that you address me by my proper title." "Dorkwad?" "Chief Medical Inspector Gideon Granville-Fletchley." "So Inspector Dorkwad." "Teddy, can we watch the game at your place?" "No, Murph is coming here with the food." "Oh, right, Murph." "I found out a fun fact about Murph the other day." "Turns out he used to date Brooke." "Uh-oh." "Gadzooks." "Talk about a tough act to follow." "No, what's the big deal?" "It was years ago." "Back when Murph was younger and stronger?" "Remember his underwear ad in Times Square?" "Damn." "Cast a shadow all the way to 48th Street." "You must've been pretty nervous when you brought her home last night." "I was so nervous I didn't bring her home." "I told her it was late and I had to turn in." "Ah, I would have bailed, too." "I mean, how can you compete with a powerhouse like Murph?" "Oh, that's, that's interesting." "You see Murph as a powerhouse?" "Yeah, well, he was a professional athlete." "True, true." "But I always pictured him as sort of a gentle lover." "Uh-huh." "Confident enough to embrace his tender side." "Ah." "What's happening right now?" "I see your point, but I'm just saying," "I mean, when you're talking about raw power..." "Oh, absolutely, absolutely." "...you know he can drop that hammer." "Damn." "(door opens)" "Hey." "What are you guys talking about?" "Nothing." "The usual." "Sex and hamburgers." "I picked up the sandwiches." "Teddy." "Oscar." "And this one is all me." "Damn." "Oh, Dani." "You sure you don't want to come experience living history?" "I don't think you want my take on the immigrant experience." "(knocking)" "(in Irish brogue):" "Good morning, Inspector." "And may Mary and the angels bless the work that you do." "Oh, wow." "Your accent has really improved." "(in normal voice):" "Stuart's been helping me." "Really?" "Yeah, she and Stuart have gone on a couple of dates now." "Yeah, he took me for Korean barbecue the other night." "It's so fun." "You get to cook your own food." "Hmm." "Maybe next he'll take you to a restaurant where you get to bus your own tables." "I'm gonna get my boots and we can go." "Nicely played." "What do you mean?" "Dating Stuart is obviously making Felix jealous." "Oh, that's not why I'm dating him." "Stuart's a great guy." "He's nice, he's smart." "He thinks I'm super hot." "He makes Felix jealous." "Well, if that is a side effect, then so be it." "Emily, this business with Stuart." "I've remained quiet about it, but I don't like it." "Oh?" "Oh." "I'm not a part of this." "So... what don't you like about it?" "Isn't it obvious?" "Stuart has an agenda." "He's only dating you to get to me." "What?" "What?" "!" "I'm just gonna walk into the kitchen for no apparent reason." "He's jealous that I got the role." "And now he's infiltrating my world." "and trying to steal all of my friends." "So, you think that's the only reason why he would date me?" "Not because he likes me?" "Or because he finds me interesting?" "Or super hot?" "No, I-I wasn't trying..." "To be mean?" "Well, you were." "You can catch your own cab." "I'll see you there." "Wait, wait." "Your peasant rags." "That is my regular sweater!" "Hey, Dani." "Hey!" "Oh." "I thought I gave those pants to Goodwill." "And Goodwill gave them back." "Well, I definitely don't think you should wear those for your date tonight." "Oh, I think I'm gonna cancel that." "Aw, is it because she slept with Murph?" "I heard it from Inspector Granville in the kitchen." "Why is dating so complicated?" "Sometimes I miss being married." "You don't have to compete with anybody." "You barely have to try." "Would you like a woman's opinion?" "I already got one." "I spoke to Felix." "You don't have to be threatened by Murph." "A lot of times, guys like that aren't the best in bed." "Really?" "Yeah!" "Super hot guys don't think they have to make a woman feel special." "Once I dated this gorgeous fireman." "He thought he'd done his job just by showing up and looking pretty." "So, he didn't hustle?" "Because I'm all hustle." "And that's important." "Just make Brooke think she's the only person on your mind." "I can do that." "Yeah, of course you can." "Now, get on out there and make some sweet love." "(groans) Yeah, I thought that'd be funny." "But I really regret it now." "And so, Svetlana Korsak of Novosibirsk, Russia," "I find that you are neither an anarchist nor a mental defective." "Welcome to America." "Spasibo." "Or as my new country say, thank you." "And does anybody have questions for the inspector?" "Yes." "My dad says immigrants are ruining this country." "And you're off to the snack bar!" "Great job, people." "The last group's coming through in ten minutes." "Emily?" "Felix." "Well done." "I mean, I-I have seen wretched refuse before." "But you were truly the most wretched." "Which was meant to be a compliment." "Which was leading up to an apology." "You don't have to apologize." "Thanks to you, I met a really great guy, who is taking me to the Brooklyn Beard and Mustache Fest tonight." "That was fun, Felix." "You make a great inspector." "Oh, thanks, Kerry." "Your accent's come a long way." "You hardly sound like Count Chocula at all anymore." "It's all thanks to Stuart." "He's a great dialect coach." "Last night, he was doing an accent in his sleep." "Wait." "You and Stuart are dating?" "I'm not supposed to talk about it." "He doesn't like to mix our love life and our LARP life." "Okay, next group's just arrived." "Inspector, look alive." "Immigrants, look barely alive." "(moans)" "Yeah." "Yes, this is hot." "It is hot." "Oh, Oscar!" "Oh, Murph!" "No, I didn't!" "Yes, you did." "You called me Murph." "No, I called you Nerf." "'Cause you're soft and squishy like a child's football." "All right, I called you Murph." "Oh, my God!" "Why?" "Were you thinking about Murph while we were...?" "No!" "No!" "I mean yes." "But not in that way." "Ever since I heard about you and Murph," "I've been worried about how I would... compare." "Really?" "I know, I shouldn't have." "Should I have?" "Oscar, you have nothing to worry about." "And I like that you're being vulnerable with me." "I never had that kind of connection with Murph." "Good." "'Cause the guys had me all worried." "Teddy and Felix were like," ""Brooke's done it with Murph?" ""That guy can really bring down the hammer." "Damn!"" "Really?" "And then my assistant said that hot guys don't make good lovers." "And then my barber, who's pretty hot, but not as hot as Murph, agreed." "I shouldn't have said that last part, huh?" "You've talked to a lot of people about Murph." "Maybe you should talk to a therapist, too." "Because clearly you're obsessed." "Well, I was just... feeling so vulnerable." "Nope." "Not gonna work twice." "Well, what about the kissing?" "How did I compare with Murph?" "The guys are gonna want to know!" "You will do well here if you work hard and keep your nose clean." "And that's good advice to all of us, boys and girls." "Because nasal health is no laughing matter." "Welcome... to America!" "Who's next?" "'Tis I, Rowan O'Flannery." "A humble butcher from County Cork." "And my wife Colleen, who is ripe with child." "We are faint from hunger." "Fleeing from the potato phantom." "It's "famine."" "Oh, that makes a lot more sense." "We have taken this long voyage to make sure that our baby will be born American." "Not so fast!" "What are you doing?" "This isn't in the script." "FELIX:" "Well!" "It's my job to make sure that you have the moral fortitude to be an American." "For example, have you laid with a woman who is not your wife?" "How dare you impugn my character, sir!" "That is a boldface lie!" "Is it?" "You haven't been consorting with a certain busty Russian?" "!" "What is he talking about, Stuart?" "He is two-timing you." "He is a cad and a bounder!" "Entry de... nied!" "This is why we can't talk about our relationship?" "So you can cheat on me?" "Kerry, wait!" "Okay, kids, time for the snack bar." "Freedom fries for everyone!" "You're done here." "What about next month's LARP?" "Oh, you can forget the Alamo." "Well, thank you for humiliating me." "Don't you mean thank you for saving you from that phony?" "I can take care of myself." "Uh, obviously you can't." "And thanks to you, I've lost my inspectorship." "Oh, no!" "The history dweebs will have to find a new king!" "Oh, come on, you have to admit this is ridiculous." "Then why did you volunteer for it?" "Because you asked me." "Because you're my friend and I wanted to share it with you!" "Well, you're my friend and I wanted to support you!" "Which is what makes you such a wonderful person!" "Thank you for noticing!" "And you deserve someone better than him!" "It seems like we're sharing a really nice moment!" "It does!" "Should I get us some lattes for the ferry?" "That would be great." "I'll save you a seat." "I'll see you there." "Oh." "(laughs)" "We still on for Beard Fest?" "There's a goatee petting zoo." "Ew." "Fair enough." "See you on the ferry." "Farewell, Chief Medical Inspector" "Gideon Granville-Fletchley." "Till I sew you into an outfit for the Renaissance Faire." "I guess we both got rejected tonight." "Me by a woman and... you by the dregs of society." "Well, hope you've learned the dangers of comparing yourself to other people." "We don't need to worry about how our friends are in the bedroom." "It's not like we sit around wondering about Teddy's sex life." "(laughs):" "No, we don't." "Although I'm guessing he would be pretty conservative." "That was my first thought, but I could see him being pretty playful." "Really?" "Mm-hmm." "I could see Teddy into a bit of role-playing, you know?" "Surprising the wife as a delivery man or a plumber." "I understand you need someone to fix a leak." "But my husband's not home." "Somebody here ordered a pizza?" 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