"This is going to be the best community charity drive ever." "Yeah." "Every business on Water Street working together to help the victims devastated by the hurricane in Honduras." "And all the other businesses are going to be devastated by the success of our bake sale." "Yep, that's what charity's all about-- winning." "Mm-hmm." "Oh, look at my cuticles." "Not that they matter compared to the plight of the Hondurans." "SALEM:" "An armadillo?" "A goldfish?" "How about an iguana?" "Things that taste better deep fried?" "No, Salem is badgering me to let him get a pet." "A pet for Salem?" "But he's childish, irresponsible, scatterbrained..." "Mm-hmm." "By the way," "I found your keys in the front door." "And the notebook you lost in the dryer." "But I don't want a pet." "Oh!" "Cool!" "My first credit card... and no bills and a lot of catalogs." "I have been specially chosen for unbridled consumption." "And it makes a really cool noise when you swipe it." "Uh..." "Sabrina," "I have to warn you." "If you get anything and everything you want, you'll never learn to appreciate the things that are really important in life." "SALEM:" "Exactly." "That's why I think you should use it to get me a pet." "I'll take a llama." "I'm going to be very responsible with this card and a pet is not something you need." "However... this is a necessity." "I'm not enjoying this." "¶ ¶" "¶ Secrets ¶" "¶ You're never gonna know ¶" "¶ You're never gonna get it ¶" "¶ Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah ¶" "¶ Secrets, secrets ¶" "¶ Secrets. ¶" "¶ ¶" "Oh, this new sweater looks even better on than it did in the Other Realm catalog." "Sabrina, I'm serious about this credit card." "Be careful." "Witches are very susceptible to "get-itis."" ""Get-itis"?" "Oh, you mean what mortal children get on Christmas morning?" "Exactly." "You don't appreciate anything because you keep thinking each new item will bring you happiness." "Okay, well, this isn't my first time at the cauldron, you know." "I got a sweater because it's sweater weather and that doesn't mean it can't be stylish sweater weather." "Okay..." "I hope they give you frequent flyer miles for rationalizations." "You know, sometimes I think she has no faith in me." "But I totally appreciate this new sweater... and the fact that it comes in 37 festive fall colors." "And she said this wouldn't make me happy." "Although I'd be a lot happier if I had shoes to match." "I look so cute, but... now I need a horse." "Oh, advertisers'll do anything to catch the elusive teen market." ""Can't you hear me crying in the attic?" "Salem."" "(Salem sobbing)" "Ah, there it is." "SALEM:" "Come comfort me." "I'm busy." "SALEM:" "Then I guess I'll just have to dry my tears on this stack of brand-new catalogs!" "Give me!" "Made you run!" "Salem, what are you doing up here?" "Playing the pity card." "I want a pet." "I want something to play with, something to give me unconditional love the way I do for you." "Oh, so you were thinking of something in the disease family?" "Oh!" "Hey, my old jewelry box." "Look!" "The charm bracelet my grandma gave me." "I was afraid I'd lost it." "Touching." "And it's going to get me a pet how?" "Salem, everything I know about manipulation" "I learned from you." "You're sweet." "What's your point?" "Stop asking Aunt Zelda for a pet." "Move on to Miss Pushover-- Aunt Hilda." "And the student becomes the teacher." "The circle of life is complete." "Be careful, Sabrina." "Don't do that, Sabrina." "Why am I always the one who has to say no?" "You're the mean one?" "You're right." "I'll handle the next problem that arises." "Thank you." "Look who I found all alone in the attic." "Now that reminds me." "One of these days, we really have to get up there and clean out all that useless old junk." "I'm right here." "And, look, I found my old charm bracelet." "Sabrina, it's beautiful." "And I'm sure you appreciate it even more because you didn't just zap it in with your new credit card." "Can I have a pet?" "No." "Please?" "Oh, okay." "Hilda!" "Oh, lighten up." "Who cares if Salem gets a pet?" "So what if Sabrina zaps in a couple of things from the Other Realm?" "It's not the end of the world." "Thank you, Aunt Hilda." "Want to ride on my new Vespa?" "You don't have a Vespa." "Do now." "It's still not the end of the world." "So, do you think I can do wheelies on my new Vespa?" "Maybe I'll get a wild boar." "I always thought the end of the world would involve more locusts." "And we'll be holding our rummage sale at that cute little coffee place on Water Street." "So, if there are no further questions... let's get it on!" "(bell rings)" "And, uh... read chapter 11." "That's cute." "That's what I need-- a day planner." "Ha!" "Great." "Okay, now all I need is some plans." "Um... oh, buy more stuff." "Sabrina, I know I don't need to ask, but would you be my assistant at the rummage sale?" "Sure." ""Buy rummage sale outfit."" "Oh, what a lovely charm bracelet." "Oh, isn't it great?" "My grandma gave it to me." "Oh, a Palm Pilot." "That's much better than my stupid day planner." "I had a charm bracelet when I was a little girl." "Every time my father went away on a business trip, he brought me a new charm." "Mother used to call it my little guilt bracelet." "Hey!" "I've been saving to buy this for 20 years." "This is a fine example of what hard work can bring you." "A gold brick?" "Yes." "You didn't buy that from gypsies, did you?" "I probably would have squandered my savings on securities and internet start-ups." "Well, you will lose that mocking tone soon enough when you try to buy a loaf of bread with paper money after the world economy collapses or we're invaded by aliens." "Aliens?" "Now you get an idea of the caliber of conversation in the teachers' lounge." "Any luck at the Other Realm pound?" "Define luck." "Lavender." "Frosting." "Toast." "Ginger." "You let him get a dogman?" "What's that?" "Huh?" "His name's Sparky." "It's still warm." "I'm afraid we've got a full-blown case of get-itis." "I don't care if it's on back order." "Oh, morning." "Well, there just aren't enough hours in the day, are there?" "Sabrina, you've got a problem." "Yeah, you're keeping me from getting more stuff." "Mrs. Quick called." "You were supposed to be at the rummage sale a half hour ago." "Oh, I completely forgot and I'm supposed to bring stuff to donate." "Wherever will you find something?" "Oh, not my stuff." "I love my stuff." "You're on the verge of becoming spoiled rotten." "All right, quit lobbing the guilt bombs." "I'll donate some of my stuff to the Hondurans." "Good girl." "You'll feel a lot better when you do." "Do you remember how we got through?" "Uh... oh, left at the frozen steaks." "Well, I guess I don't need the sled." "Oh, what if it snows next week?" "Well, I can always donate these ballet slippers." "Although, I have been intrigued by the world of dance." "You know, I don't see my aunts giving away any of their stuff." "They said they wanted someone to clean up this old junk." "Spoiled?" "Ha!" "I'm selfless." "Sabrina, I was getting worried, but look at all this wonderful stuff you brought." "An Olympic gold medal?" "Are you sure you want to donate this?" "Oh, that old thing?" "Sure." "I can always get more." "Maybe some medals would cheer me up." "And the gold medal in synchronized swimming goes to..." "Mrs. Quick." "What's everybody standing around for?" "We got to raise more money than any other store on this street." "We're going to be number one!" "Hey, hey, hey, this isn't a reading room." "Buy it or get out." "Sit." "Come on, Sparky, sit." "I know this." "No." "Okay, shake hands." "I got this one." "No." "Close." "How about beg?" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Okay, so using you as my driver is not going to work." "That's it?" "Two muffins and a scone?" "Come on, crack open the change purse a little, missy." "This is for charity." "You know, sometimes I don't have enough faith in Sabrina." "She turned right around and gave away her new things." "She's giving up her Saturday to work on a charity drive." "That girl has a heart of gold." "Well, it does run in the family." "That napkin's not free." "Sabrina, can I get a little help over here?" "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "I'll be right there." "Oh, cool watch." "I have one like that in my collection of pristine watches that are still in their original packaging, but I forgot to buy one to wear." "Ha!" "I think the cream's spoiled." "This smell funny to you?" "No." "I think it's her." "This box would be perfect to store my gold brick." "I'll give you 25 cents for it." "But it's marked ten dollars." "I'm haggling." "I get it." "Nine dollars." "25 cents and I don't write you a detention slip." "Sold... to the man with the vicious scowl." "Hey, cool lion." "Hey, thanks." "Hey, listen, I was just talking to Sabrina..." "Yeah, didn't she bring some great stuff?" "I just bought this hat." "Look, I know you think I don't like her, so don't take this the wrong way-- but she reeks." "Okay, Sparky, now that you're calmed down and you have your leash on" "I'm going to take you for a walk." "Walk!" "No!" "What do you mean, I reek?" "So much for being able to tell each other anything." "Sure, I've noticed a putrid, rotted, spoiled smell, but it could only be coming from me if I was... spoiled rotten." "Excuse me." "Hickory dickory clock, we've always got time for you." "Hi." "It's just me checking in." "So, that was a close call on that get-itis thing, huh?" "Well, you did have us worried, but you turned it around." "Uh, for the sake of conversation, let's say I hadn't." "You'd become spoiled rotten." "Literally?" "Of course." "Aunt Hilda..." "She's not here." "(click)" "Hello?" "Are you here to buy something?" "I just thought that some of your customers might get hungry while they're junk shopping." "Don't play innocent with me." "You're trying to help the Hondurans more than we are." "What are you going to do about it?" "Free brownies with every purchase." "No, no, no, no, no." "Oh!" "Oh!" "Sabrina?" "Oh, Aunt Hilda." "Oh, what is that disgusting smell?" "Not me." "I think we have a little sewage problem." "Oh." "Oh, I had a pair like those." "Oh, who doesn't have rhinestone encrusted aardvarks?" "Me." "That's who." "Well, they can't be mine." "Mine are magical." "What?" "Yeah." "They turn your hair a different color every ten minutes-- impulse buy." "I wonder where those are?" "Oh, they're probably up in the attic with the rest of the magical junk." "Well, I'm going to go get more brownies." "I have not yet begun to fight." "Okay, don't panic." "So I've sold magical items to half of Westbridge, and I'm... spoiling rotten." "I always thought the end of the world would involve more locusts." "Sabrina, what are you doing?" "Uh, I just remembered-- this stuff was stored very close to our collection of asbestos dust." "Hey." "Thanks." "(Brooklyn accent):" "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" "Sweetness, I asked youse for two percent." "This is skim." "I think we got a problem here." "Yeah." "You." "Are you talking to me?" "'Cause if you are, bring those lips closer." "Food?" "But I just fed you." "Food?" "(sighs)" "Oh, I can't take those sad, puppyman eyes." "Take it." "Oh, you're an animal." "(sniffing)" "Salem, emergency!" "My room-- now!" "(yelping)" "Oh, come on, it's not that bad." "Salem, make that crisis!" "My room-- now!" "I'm usually opposed to calling in the Feds but don't you think we might want to alert the aunties?" "Are you kidding?" "Admit that" "I gave away their stuff without permission?" "Do you know nothing about teen rebellion?" "I know what it smells like." "Oh, here it is-- "get-itis." "Subparagraph 12:" "Spoiled rotten."" "Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah" ""horrible person..."" "blah, blah, blah, blah, blah" ""slimy ooze..." Oh!" ""To reverse the spoiling process, that which was lost must be regained."" "What does that mean?" "That the democrats need to win back the congress?" "Wait, I get it." "It means that I have to get back all the stuff I gave away from the attic." "Only someone spoiled rotten would give away stuff that didn't belong to them." "You were giving away stuff?" "Let's see, um..." "Mrs. Quick bought that medal." "That must be why she's acting so strange." "By all means, blame the medal." "Uh..." "Brad bought some stupid bronze lion." "How bad could that be?" "(growling) (crying)" "Nice kitty!" "Oh... (roaring)" "Uh, Harvey had some hat and Mr. Kraft bought some sort of little box." "Not Zelda's replicating box?" "!" "Maybe." "Well, I'm sure he hasn't figured out how to use it yet." "Wow, you know, this box could probably replicate anything." "Like food, or medicine..." "Nah." "Okay, I've just got to round up half a dozen magical objects before I liquefy." "Easy." "There's just one more problem." "What's that?" "I hawk up things that smell better than you." "Any better?" "Finally." "Do you have any idea how hard it is to walk with six pairs of odor-eaters in your shoes?" "Are we going out?" "Are we going out?" "No, we're not going out." "I'm going out." "Bad dogman!" "I thought it would be a fun way to keep track of how everyone is doing." "Namely, how badly my rummage sale is trouncing your flour-covered butts!" "If you think that glorified garage sale is going to beat..." "Ladies, ladies, please." "Let's not forget what's important." "Helping the Hondurans?" "Oh, yeah." "Sure." "Whatever." "Hilda... stop." "I know what you're going to say." ""You're being mean-spirited and aggressive."" "Normally, I would let you go on." "But you see that medal around Mrs. Quick's neck?" "I think that's my old "competitive spirit" medal." "Remember the one mother used to make me wear when I played field hockey, because she said I had no killer instinct?" "Man, you were such a priss!" "That's why she's being so competitive." "What's your excuse?" "Mrs. Quick... what a lovely medal." "Oh!" "May I see it for a moment?" "Okay." "This really is a charming bake sale." "What do you call these?" "Also-rans?" "We're number one!" "We're number one!" "Then again, she may be a competitive nut all on her own." "Here." "Sabrina, what on earth are you wearing?" "And would you care to explain this?" "Uh, a Glamour don't and no." "Gotta go." "What?" "All's I said was, "Walk that by me one more time."" "Harvey..." "Hey." "Lookin' good." "How's about youse plant a wet one on your old man?" "Ah, give me that hat." "Sabrina, you have car deodorizers in your ears." "Well, they'd look ridiculous on my shoes." "Have you seen, uh..." "Brad or Mr. Kraft?" "Mr. Kraft said he was going to Y2K-proof his computer" ""before the millennium bug rains anarchy down on our pitiful world."" "And I don't know what happened to Brad." "Well, I'm sure he's fine." "(whimpering)" "Here." "Okay, that was my last Skittle." "You're not still hungry, are you?" "(roaring) (screams)" "Please be here." "Mr. Kraft!" "Mr. Kraft!" "What do you want?" "Uh, there's a little problem with the box you bought..." "No, there is no problem with that box." "It's absolutely perfect-- thank you." "I really don't have time for this." "Miss Spellman, get out!" "These bricks are mine, all mine." "You can't have any of them." "Not even one." "I don't want any of your bricks." "I just want my box back, please?" "What kind of idiot do you think I am?" "Talk about your essay questions." "What's happening to your legs?" "Look at you!" "Oh, no!" "Uh, l-l-look at you!" "You're a paranoid mess!" "A rich paranoid mess." "Oh." "You're so consumed with making your bricks," "I bet you forgot which one was special, which one you worked so hard for." "Sure, I know." "It was this one..." "No, it was this one..." "no, it was... no, it..." "And how many is it going to take to make you happy, huh?" "1,000?" "2,000 bricks?" "A dozen watches?" "Hundreds of sweaters?" "I have three sweaters, tops." "Look at how pathetic we are-- you with your bricks and me with all my stuff and we've completely forgotten about the people of Honduras." "I never met them!" "You know, I've been such an enormous spoiled brat." "I mean, it wasn't the things in the attic I lost." "It was my appreciation for what's really important-- people!" "Hey!" "I stopped rotting!" "What happened?" "Wait a minute." "Who... who are you?" "I know." "You're one of those aliens, aren't you?" "Okay." "You're too smart for us, Willard." "We couldn't fool you by pretending to be one of your students." "Well, I am a little sharper than your average Earthling." "Silence!" "Give me our box." "Of course." "I'm sorry." "Take it." "And donate all your bricks to the charity drive." "All of them?" "Don't make me fire up the probe." "No." "Sabrina, where did you get all this?" "Oh, just junk I had lying around." "Figured I didn't need it anymore." "Ooh!" "A new DVD player." "I'll give you 50 bucks." "Yes!" "We're going to win this time, for sure." "We will drink deep from the cup of our enemy's annihilation!" "(laughing)" "How could I lose?" "KRAFT:" "And so, I am happy to give this gold to the needy." "Charity should span all borders be they earthly or... beyond." "I still think Zelda and I could have pulled it off if something..." "or someone hadn't eaten all our cookies." "Mrs. Quick, I know how hard you worked on the charity drive and that's why I want to give you this." "Your charm bracelet?" "Oh, Sabrina, I couldn't." "You've already given so much and it means so much to you." "But that's why I want you to have it, because I know it'll make you happy and that means so much more to me." "Oh, thank you, Sabrina." "I hope I don't have to declare this on my taxes." "You know, Sabrina, in a strange way, we're actually very proud of you." "For being an obnoxious spoiled brat giving away family treasures, almost rotting into a slimy glob and convincing your boyfriend that he was accosted by aliens?" "I said in a strange way." "Hey, have you seen Brad?" "I've been calling him for hours." "Uh, Brad..." "I'd like to return this." "Hi, Brad." "Um, you know what?" "You're our 26th customer today, so you get a free T-shirt." "And some topical ointment." "But I don't want to get rid of him." "I love him." "We all do, but he's too much responsibility for you." "And Sparky's going to love being with his new family." "I hear they have a huge farm in the Other Realm and... (bell chiming)" "(thunder cracking)" "Someone's here, someone's here, someone's here!" "We're the Midbys." "We're here for Sparky." "Yeah, we're here for Sparky." "I'm going to miss you, boy." "Son, he's your responsibility." "I'll take care of him, I promise." "Think I can have a llama?"