"PHIL:" "Hey, Jay." " Oh!" " Welcome!" "New Year's Day at Jay's." "My dad was driving in." "Things were looking up after a bad morning." "[passengers scream]" " Oh!" "Yeah!" " Oh, man!" "[gasps] Look how high it goes!" "I'm gonna try and spit on a bird." "[whining]" "Did he just get off the ride?" "You know, honey, um, I'm getting cold feet." " Maybe we should just..." " Well, if you're scared," " we should just go." " [whining continues]" "I'm disappointed, 'cause to me, it seemed like a blast." " [passengers scream]" " Oh!" "My resolution to live more dangerously was off to a rocky start." "Help yourself to my Christmas present." "Nothing like a frozen margarita in a hot tub." "Lets nature know we can do anything she can." "Well, I'll take one to go." "Alex and I are just here to raid your guys' closet for some vintage clothing." "Yeah, we're going to a '90s music festival called Fo-shizzle-fest." "Okay, get ready to pig out!" "In six to eight hours. [sighs]" "I did Thanksgiving dinner last year, and it didn't go well." "Cam blew up the turkey and made the goat kill itself." "Anyhoo, today is my comeback meal, and I decided to keep it simple and roast a pig." "So, you just dig a hole, you put down a bed of coals, then a layer of banana leaves, lower the pig, cover it with burlap and tin foil, and... bam!" "Six hours later, you dig it all up, put it on a platter, and... bam!" "Dinner is served." "GLORIA:" "Guys, just because you spent Christmas in Missouri doesn't mean that we forgot about you." " Open your presents." " Oh, okay!" "I'll go first." "Uh, let's see." "Oh, it's a gift certificate for E-Butler." "It's a concierge service." "Use it for errands, tickets, things like that." "Oh my God." "I love this!" "It's like staying in a hotel, but I don't have to wear gloves to use the remote." "CAMERON:" "Okay, me next." "Me next." "Oh... it's an apron with... with bells on it." "And it says, "Cam and get it!"" "Oh, so that's not a mistake?" "We spent extra cash to get that custom made." "Came to me in a dream." "PHIL:" "Put it on, buddy." "Let's, uh..." "let's get pictures with you guys and your gifts." "Jay and Gloria, get in there too." "Come on, honey." "Let's go." " Oh, boy." " I'll tie it." " No, you won't." " All right." " Whoa!" " Oh!" "[electricity crackles]" "I told you Stella was trying to kill me!" "♪ ♪" " Well, that was a scare." " Nothing happened." "I know where you're going with this." "This is why I've been hounding you about your estate planning." "No, Mitch." "Don't put that horrible thing out in the universe!" "[spits] [exhales forcefully]" "Dad, you still haven't done that?" "They haven't updated their paperwork since Joe was born." "Uh, God forbid something bad should happen to them... we don't even know who'd they want to raise Joe." "Shh!" "[spits]" "Will you stop scaring her?" "I spend more money on eyelashes than most of you do on health care." "Fine, we'll do it today." "What better way to start the new year than by preparing for the worst?" " [RV horn honks]" " Speaking of alive dads," " there's mine!" " Oh!" " So good to see you!" " Oh!" "How was the drive?" "Fantastic." " My radio broke around Tallahassee." " Aw." "But is there a better entertainment source than the billboards of America?" "Apparently, syphilis is making a comeback." "Plus, you had me to keep you company." "Lorraine?" "Lorraine was my babysitter growing up." "She was also my first crush and also the star of my first, um..." ""funny dream."" "Yeah, Lorraine used to bring out" " the holy terror in Phil." " Oh." "It seemed like he wanted to be spanked by her." " No, I did not." " [chuckles]" "How long has this been going on?" "Well, we reconnected earlier this year on jury duty." "I was the lone holdout" " on a triple homicide case." " Mm." "You can just feel" " when someone is innocent, you know?" " Mm-hmm." "Mm-hmm." "But Lorraine said she'd go out to lunch with me if I changed my vote, so here we are." " Phil, did... did you ever dream..." " No." "Last time I saw you, you came up to here. [laughs]" "Okay, Claire will take you that way to the back yard." "I'll go through the house so we can finally know which way's faster." "Okay, just a few simple questions, and your estate planning is done." "What is this?" "We don't need to put aside money for Manny's college." "I already took care of it." "When Manny was born, I didn't want to rely on anyone, so I started saving money from my paycheck." "Eventually, I made enough money for Manny's college, so if anything happens, he'll be okay." " That's amazing." " [chuckles]" "How did I not see this in the bank statements?" "Why would I put money that I might need to run away with in the middle of night in the bank?" "I put it in my disappear bag." "It's hard not to take that personally, but, um, where is this bag?" "It's in... in..." " You forgot?" " No." "That's why I made a song so that it would always help me remember." "♪ My disappear bag, my disappear bag ♪" "♪ I hid you very safely in the ♪" " I don't know." " [bells jingle]" "One second." "Okay, Cam, what are we..." "Okay." "Just... just be cool." "Just be cool." "Be cool?" "You just jangled across the yard like a big country tambourine." "All right, well, apparently, the fire went out and I didn't notice, and now this pig is as cold as your family is gonna be when they figure out I ruined another meal." "Okay, this is bad." "My dad does not like to be pork teased." "Well, maybe we can get a replacement pig." "Do you think your concierge thing could help out?" "But I just got it today, and... and the card says, "For Mitch stuff."" "Mitchell, one of my resolutions" " was to cry less outside the home." " [sighs]" " Please help me get through this day." " Gosh." "You know they only got me six hours, right?" "I know." "Thank you." " Okay." " [line rings]" "CONCIERGE:" "Thank you for calling E-Butler, Mr. Pritchett." "How may I make your day more E-fficient?" "Okay, um, well, this is a weird request." "Keep in mind, erotic tasks are billed at twice the normal rate." "Uh, no, I-I need you to secretly deliver a whole roasted pig." "With extreme pleasure." "Requests like these remind me why I E-buttle." "CAMERON:" "I knew that voice." "It was Keifth." "When I first moved here," "I was just a young Missouri hayseed." "I-I bought a ticket to the circus one day, and there in the middle of all the action, in an impeccably pressed tuxedo, was Ringmaster Keifth." "I started hanging out at circus bars until we met." "The attraction was immediate." "He was older, always in command of a room, which makes sense because a room is just a permanent tent." "We dated for six months." "He transformed me into the sophisticate that we all know today." "And then, he suddenly disappeared." "No goodbye." "No note." "Just some peanut shells on the floor that must have... fallen from his glorious black boot." "I found a trattoria in Little Polynesia" " that can spare a fully roasted pig." " Mitchell." "Sorry for the delay." "It w... it was a minute and a half." "You can't know my shame." "I'll deliver the porcine parcel within the hour." "Okay, that... that is great." "I will..." "I will see you then." " [cellphone beeps]" " What is wrong with you?" "Okay, my circus boyfriend who left me in the middle of the night... that was him." "And now he's coming here?" "!" "This is no way to ring in a new year." "[bells jingle]" "The money has to be here somewhere." "This is all the stuff from when we first moved in together." "Why do we have a box of doll heads?" "Oh, I guess you think it's a coincidence that we have never had evil spirits in this house." "What about these will questions?" "If something happens to us, who should raise Joe?" "No, Jay, don't say that." "All right, look." "If someone other than us needs to raise Joe," "I vote Mitch and Cam." "Nice balance." "Mitch is, uh, responsible, he knows culture, and Cam is basically a mom who played college football." "Plus, Joe and Lily are close in age." "Yeah, but isn't she a little..." "Direct?" "You're not wrong." "She did five minutes on my nose at Thanksgiving." "I mean, it's a little big, but to say that it has its own zip code, that was too much for me." " What's this?" " No, that is..." ""If I ever go missing or am found dead," ""it was my husband"?" "What the hell is this?" "!" "Ay!" "Calm down." "It was when we had our first big fight." "Of course I knew that you were not going to kill me." "I was just going to run away and frame you." "Is it weird we've barely seen Phil since we've been here?" "He was always a wanderer." "It's the curse of being a genius." "Oh. [laughs]" " Phil." " Trinidad and Tobago!" "Why are you avoiding Frank?" "What?" "[scoffs]" "I'm..." "Okay, there's something you don't know." "She used to be your babysitter, and you had the hots for her." "How?" "What is the plan, honey?" "Are you just gonna avoid them?" "I just need a minute to get comfortable with this, okay?" "I mean, did he always have a crush on her, even when my mom was around?" "It's one thing for a 13-year-old to position his babysitter in front of an open refrigerator so that he can enjoy the backlit contours of her beautiful body in the silk blouse he stole from Randall's mother." "But if he was doing the same thing?" "Uh, moving past your decision to steal trophy clothing from Randall's mom, maybe you could just talk to your dad." "You know we don't talk in my family." "We riff." "We do bits." "You know how my dad told me my grandmother died?" "In a knock-knock joke." "That is last year's Phil talking." "In the spirit of living more dangerously, why don't you take an emotional risk and... and try and have an honest conversation with your father?" "Also, well, I may not be wearing..." "Randall's mothers blouse, but I thought maybe you'd like..." "And he's gone." "Uh, da... how am I saying it wrong?" " His name is Keith." " No." "Keef?" "It couldn't be simpler." "K-E-I-F-T-H." "Keifth." "Fth." "Fth." "A remarkable name for a remarkable man." "Isn't ringmaster basically a ceremonial position?" "Uh, wow." "I would love to live in your fantasy world where circuses run themselves." "[chuckling] Okay." "Call and cancel." "Then who's gonna save your dinner?" "Besides, we don't even know if the concierge is actually Keifth." "I'm gonna forget the velvety baritone that abandoned me in the middle of the night?" "And plus, he walks in here, I lose it," "I don't want Lily to see that." "Oh, she's not here." "She has that sleepover, and she already leffffth." "Without saying goodbye?" "Then it hit me." "It could be therapeutic for Cam to see this ridiculously named circus person who deserted him because that incident could be the very root of his pretty intense abandonment issues... which are not unchallenging." "[inhales deeply] Mm." " Where are you going?" " To the bathroom." "Well, have a nice life." "What about Phil and Claire to take care of Joe?" "I don't know." "Isn't Phil kind of silly?" "What are you talking about?" "Phil is a great father." "He's kind." "He's fun." "Even Lily likes him." "But is he too likeable?" "Where's the gravitas?" "He's full of energy." "He's sensitive, and he never, ever gets grumpy." "Fine." "Why don't you give Joe to Super Dad right now, then?" "Oh, my God, are you really jealous because Phil might be a better father than you?" "I know it's stupid." "Not to mention the fact that Joe gets Claire in the deal." "She's a fantastic mother." "Runs a company, hell of a role model." "He could never do better than that for a mother." "You know what, Phil and Claire have already raised their kids." "I think it's time for them to travel." "There." "That's where my disappear bag was hanging!" "['90s rock music playing]" "You have, like, a hundred missed calls from Gloria." "[ringing]" "GLORIA:" "You have to come back right now." "Is everything okay?" "What?" "There must be a bus stop nearby." "Until then, just act normal like we don't have [whispering] $40,000 on us." "Okay, why are you whispering only part of a sentence?" " That's going to attract attention." " [normal voice] Really?" "More than you being covered in sweat?" "Because you look like a sauna wall." "You're right." "How do I make myself stop sweating?" "[crying] I don't know!" "Oh, don't cry." "Crying's worse than sweating." "[crying] Oh look, now I'm crying too!" "Maybe we can smile our way out of this." "[both sobbing]" " [door opens]" " CLAIRE:" "Phil?" " Yeah?" " Honey, come quick!" " Your dad passed out in the RV." " Oh, my God!" "[blow dryer whirring]" "Dad, are you okay?" "Yeah, Claire just accidentally sprayed me with a garden hose." "Really?" " Oh, Claire?" " CLAIRE:" "Sorry, stuck... like many father-son relationships." "So, uh, place looks great." "Yeah, Lorraine really spruced it up." "Curtains, brass safety rails over the privy." "That was really a lifesaver." "She stopped short on the I-90 once." "I came rolling out of there like a Chinese acrobat." "[both laugh]" "Well, Lorraine seems good." "Hey, so Phil, uh, you seem a little off today." "Me and Lorraine... uh, that doesn't bother you, right?" "No." "No." "Good." "It's the craziest thing." "She re-introduced herself and, uh..." "I didn't even remember she was our babysitter." " Really?" " Yeah." "Then she asked me out, and you know, I don't get a lot of offers, so I thought, "What the heck?" [chuckles]" "Sure." "That's what I figured." "But, uh, I'm just glad you're having fun." "Well, I better go fill this thing up" " with some of Jay's expensive Scotch." " [chuckles]" "Oh, actually, I think the door's locked." "Oh, no, it's fine." "Well, Frank, I'm really sorry about that hose thing." "Oh, no hard feelings." "Shirt needed freshening anyway." "I haven't washed it since we stopped to take pictures at Smokey-Top," "Utah's longest, continuously burning tire fire." "[chuckles]" "As I guess you heard, I had no reason to be worried." "He didn't even notice when Lorraine was my babysitter." "Plus, they're not even that serious." "I felt a ring box in his pocket." "What?" "No way." "Yep." "There's only one thing shaped like that." "No, there isn't." "There's a million things..." "Rubik's Cube, sewing kit, souvenir tire keychain from Smokey-Top." "I can't think of anything that's not shaped like that." "Let's assume for a moment that I am right and that was a ring box." "Maybe it's worth exploring why the idea of your dad remarrying is setting you off like this." "Maybe it's worth exploring why you find so much joy in tearing people down." "In previous generations, they accused people like that of being witches and threw water at them to see if they screamed." "Great." "Aah!" " Witch." " [hose nozzle clacks]" "Ah, Mr. Pritchett I presume." "Hi." "Thank you so much for coming." "I'm not sure I caught your name." " Keifth Banks." " Yes." " At your..." " [bells jingle]" "Mitchell, sorry to interrupt." "I didn't know you were with a common worker." "Can it be?" "Hmm?" "Cameron Tucker." "Yes." "I'm sorry." "You are...?" "Keifth." "Keifth." "I-I don't believe I know..." "No, C-Cam, didn't you tell me you once dated someone named Keifth?" "Oh, yes." "Keifth." "What was it you did again?" "I remember you wore white gloves and... and gestured a lot." "Subway mime?" "I commanded a circus." "Yes." "Now I remember." "How have you been?" "I see you're in pig delivery now?" "I'm a concierge." "The circus business has gotten rather difficult." "People today, they don't have the patience for the more elegant pleasures of yesteryear... men putting their heads into lion's mouths, unfortunate little people being shot from cannons." "I can't believe you... you're meeting up again like this." "You must have so much to catch up on or... or... or work through." "Oh, well, I'm sure Keifth would rather just make the delivery and disappear." "Start there." " To the matter at hand." " [trunk opens]" "The swap will be difficult." "Fortunately, I have had a bit of experience with misdirects... just tell the audience to keep your eyes on the center ring!" "They won't even notice the trapeze act suffering through the more vivid stages of food poisoning." " That happened." "I was there." " Oh." "First, I will release a live peacock... an exotic beauty of the Orient... into the yard." "Magical." "Then, I will need something to lure him inside to draw the family's attention." "Do you happen to have any Andalusian filberts?" "No." "Then Cheez-Its will do." "Naturally, everyone will be transfixed." "And while they're distracted, we will swap out the pigs, the dinner will be saved, and the show will go on." "Just let me sneak a peek at the backyard." "Goodbye." "Hey, Joe, what has two heads, four legs, and can fly?" "I don't know." "Us." "Aah!" "This is dangerous!" "That's how you know we're alive!" "It's like I said in my wedding toast... that bride of yours is fearless." "Yeah." "Funny thing is, we went to an amusement park earlier today and she was too scared to get on this one ride." "Or she pretended to be so that I wouldn't have to admit how scared I was." "I have a hunch that she's not the only one who's trying to protect my feelings today." "You seem to be rambling, son." "When you hugged Claire earlier, she felt a ring box in your pocket." "What?" "That wasn't a ring box." "It was..." "Where am I?" "I'm so old and confused." "Stop." "I'm not gonna say seeing you with Lorraine wasn't a little bit weird for me." "It was a crazy idea." "That's not what I'm trying to say." "That pig's got to be ready, doesn't it?" "Dad, please." "Son, can we please not do this?" "Fine." " Knock, knock." " That's more like it." "Who's there?" " Your son." " Your son, who?" "Your son who'd hate to think you threw away a shot at happiness just to protect his feelings." "[door closes]" "Here it is." "All here." "Just take it from me." "That's the most stress I've ever felt, and I spent two weeks underground as part of an isolation study." "Okay." "So, I guess now we can finish this." "Ay, Mitch." "Mitch, come." "Help us finish." "Okay." "Okay." "We got to lightning round these forms." "You guys are overthinking this." "Everybody knows in their heart what they want." "They just feel bad about making the decision." "So, who will be the executor of your estate?" "Go." " You." " Aww." "Okay." "Um, do you want to leave anything to charity?" "Yes. 10% to whatever is sexy at the time we die... like, um, orphans or whatever." "Okay, okay, yeah." "And what about Stella?" "Same as Manny." "No, he's asking who's gonna take care of her, not how much money you're gonna leave to a murderer." "No proof of that." "Okay, this seems like a whole sidebar, so we're gonna circle back to that." "Um, who do you want as Joe's legal guardian?" "No, no, don't think." "Just answer, okay?" "If something happens to both of you, who do you want to take care of Joe?" "MANNY:" "Me, obviously." "Ay, Manny, you're too young." "Besides, you're about to start your new life soon." "Yeah, you should be out sowing your oats or just sewing." " That's something you like." " [scoffs]" "I don't see what the big deal is." "I'd hire a nanny, sell the house, downsize to a condo." "I'm thinking maybe a loft in an up-and-coming arts district." "Sure, it'll take me a bit longer to finish college, but aren't those the best years of life, anyway?" "The main thing is, he's my brother." "I'm not letting anybody else raise him." "Ay, Manny." "You're so sweet." "Am I the only one unsettled by how much he's thought about that already?" "[indistinct conversations] [peacock caws]" " Oh, my God!" "Look!" " What?" "Cast your spell, nature's kaleidoscope!" "Why is there a blue turkey going into the house?" "It's a peacock." "It's really plowing through the Cheez-Its." "Oh, we forgot to put the apple the new pig's mouth." "Oh, just leave it." "Now that's your answer to everything, isn't it?" "I deserve that." "I was a fool to think I could get through this without you bringing up the way I left." "Well, you broke my heart." "I didn't mean to hurt you, Cameron." "I just had to protect myself." "When we first met, you were just... pure, raw potential." "Your Missouri twang. [chuckles]" "The innocent way your shirt cuffs were no different than your sleeves." "Once you emerged from your country cocoon," "I knew it was just a matter of time before you realized you could do better and moved on." "But you never even said goodbye." "For all these years, I-I thought it was my fault." "Oh, no." "No." "I was a coward." "I just ran away to join another circus." "I suppose you could say the... the one ring you never mastered was the ring of life." "Well, that's kind of mean, but sure." " And look at your beautiful home." " Oh, it's..." "You've blossomed into the success I always knew you'd be." "Correct." "I did so enjoy our time together, Cameron." "Remember that split week between Lansing and Kalamazoo?" "Oh, my gosh, how could I forget?" "The rain dripping on the canvas." "Me sneaking into your wagon after curfew." "I believe that was the first time you saw me... without my top hat." "Okay." "Well, wounds healed, whole new perspective, off you go." "Goodbye, Cameron." "Goodbye, Keifth." "Oh, hey, honey." " FRANK:" "I, uh..." " Whatcha doing?" "Oh, I think it's cute how scared he is." "Yeah, but he's doing it." "Yes." "There's one Dunphy who's not afraid to live dangerously." "Oh." "Hey, Claire?" "They're open for two more hours." " [laughs]" " Everything's gonna be okay." " Whoo!" " Whoo!" "2017!" "It's gonna be a great yea..." "Phil?" "Oh." "Cam, this is so delicious." "Well, you know, after Thanksgiving," "I'm just happy nothing went wrong." "I love this seasoning." "What gives it that nutty taste?" "It might be nuts, sweetheart." "Oh, no, he wouldn't put nuts in it." "He knows I'm allergic." "Excuse me." " Hi." " [door closes]" "HALEY:" "Hey, how was the ride?" "Amazing." "Phil fainted." " PHIL:" "Claire." " Oh, come on, they were gonna find out." "I'm not spending $15 on this picture and not show it to everyone." "I'm just gonna need you to spit into this napkin." " EpiPen is on the way." " Just keep the card." " [Haley laughs]" " CLAIRE:" "Isn't that amazing?"