"Oh, hello, there." "Are all of you people married?" "That's nice." "Are you alone?" "He's out getting you popcorn?" "Well..." "You ought to be ashamed of yourself." "Pretty, aren't they?" "Haven't you any better way to spend your money?" "Good morning..." "Madam." "Well, it's not the best morning, and it's not the worst." "That wedding ring you have in the window, gold, with the twelve stones, the lovers' knot..." "Looking is one thing, madam, buying is another." "Your credit isn't exactly what I would consider..." "Oh, references, Mr. Duckworth, references are a natural request of the business person." "No one knows that better than I." " My card." " "Mrs. Dolly Levi."" " Born Gallagher." " "Varicose veins reduced."" " Oh!" "Oh, I beg your pardon." " "Consultations free."" "I meant to give you this one." ""Mrs. Dolly Gallagher Levi." "Investment counsellor." ""Chinese securities a speciality." "Runaway husbands traced."" "You do all these things, Mrs. Levi?" "Well, two and two make four, Mr. Duckworth, and they always have." "Now, shall we look at the ring?" " I'm really looking at it for a friend." " Yeah." "Someone who may marry Yonkers' leading citizen, you know, the wealthy and famous Mr. Horace Vandergelder." "It's 14 carat solid gold, with stones." "Oh, so it is." "Mr. Vandergelder asked me to find him a wife, and so..." "My, my, that old, old feeling." "Would you mind taking it off, Mrs. Levi?" "Oh, no." "No, not at all, but I wouldn't put it back in the window if I were you, because someone might be in very, very soon to buy it." "I can't understand it." "They always don't seem to want to come off." "Well, if it doesn't come off, it'll cost you $89.50." "I don't have $89.50." "Then marry somebody who does!" "Mr. Duckworth, I was very happily married once, and I have no intention of getting married again." "Not even if the man got down on his knees and begged me." "I wouldn't even marry Horace Vandergelder himself." "Good day, Mr. Duckworth." "What I just told Mr. Duckworth about marrying Horace Vandergelder wasn't exactly the truth." "But, you know, you have to say certain things for public consumption." "I'm a matchmaker." "That's a woman who arranges things, primarily matrimonial." "At present, I'm arranging the domestic affairs of Mr. Horace Vandergelder." "And for that I get, well, shall we call it, little pickings?" "I need little pickings very badly, particularly now." "I haven't even got my fare back home to New York." "Life is never quite interesting enough, somehow." "You people who come to the movies know that." "So, I rearrange things a little." "Nature isn't satisfactory quite, and so it has to be corrected." "So, I put my hand in here and my hand in there, and I listen and I watch, and sometimes I'm very amused." "For example, right now I'm interested in Horace Vandergelder and all that idle, frozen money of his." "I don't like the idea of it lying in great piles in the bank, you know, motionless, idle." "Money should trinkle down among people, like rainwater." "You see what I mean?" "Why don't you go over to Vandergelder's?" "I've got to go pick up my fur piece." " Hold still, Mr. Vandergelder!" " Come in!" "Who are you?" "Malachi Stack, your honour." "I heard you wanted an apprentice in the feed, hay, provisions and hardware business." "An apprentice at your age?" "Yes, your honour." "I bring a lot of experience to it." "Have you any letters of recommendation?" "Yes, indeed, your honour!" "First-class recommendations." "This is from your former competitor," "Joshua Van Tyl in Albany." ""For the most part, he is honest and reliable," ""occasionally willing and diligent."" "You read remarkably well, sir." " Do you drink?" " No, thanks." "I just had breakfast." "I didn't ask you to have a drink." "I asked if you were a drunkard." "No, sir." "No." "Liquor and I parted company a long time ago." "If you ever meet again, you'll part company with me." "If it'll please your honour," "I'll even cut down on my consumption of water." "See that you do." "Well, I'll give you a try." " Here's $1." " Thank you, sir!" "It's not for you!" "In 10 minutes a train leaves for New York." "Be on it!" "And take that bag to the Central Hotel." "Have them save me a room." " Wait for me there." " Yes, sir, Mr. Vandergelder." "And you'll never regret it." "You'll see." "You'll see." " I'm beginning to regret it already." " I'm as handy as a pocket." "Joe, go over to that trapdoor and stamp three times." "I want to talk to Cornelius." "Yes, Mr. Vandergelder?" " Cornelius, today I'm going to New York." " Yes, Mr. Vandergelder." "Before I go," "I have something important to say to you and Barnaby." "Good news." "I was thinking of promoting you to chief clerk." "What am I now, Mr. Vandergelder?" "You're an impertinent fool, that's what you are!" "Now, if you behave yourself," "I'll promote you from impertinent fool to chief clerk." "Barnaby may be promoted from idiot apprentice to incompetent clerk." "Thank you, Mr. Vandergelder." "Is there any increase in salary that goes with this new title?" "Money?" "Money?" "Money?" "Are you asking for more money, Mr. Hackl?" "Why, in Europe they pay fortunes for titles, and I'm giving you one for nothing!" "I don't know what I could have been thinking of, Mr. Vandergelder." "The world is getting crazier every minute, Joe." "Like my father used to say, horses'll be taking over the world soon." "I did everything I could, Mr. Vandergelder, what with you flying in and out of the chair." "Fine, fine." "You did a fine job, Joe." "The same fine job you've done me for 20 years." "A tip, Joe." "You've earned it." " A nickel, after 20 years." " Joe." "I've got a special reason for looking my best today." "Isn't there something a little extra you can do, something a little special?" "Now, I'll pay you right up to 25 cents, see what I mean?" "Now, do some of the things you do for those young fellas." "You know, touch me up." "Smarten me up a bit." "All I know is 15 cents worth, like usual, Mr. Vandergelder, and that includes everything that's decent to do to a man." " Now hold your horses, Joe." " And I don't dye hair." "I'm going to tell you a secret." "All I ask is a little extra because" "I'm thinking of getting married again." "And this very afternoon, I'm going into New York City to call on my intended, a very refined lady." "Your getting married is none of my business," "Mr. Vandergelder." "I've done everything to you I know." "And the charge was 15 cents like it always was." "Joe, you're a fool." "Looks to me like you're pretty rash to judge which is fools and which isn't fools, Mr. Vandergelder." "People that's ate onions is bad judges of who's ate onions and who ain't." "I give you good morning." "99% of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion." "I was not always free of foolishness as I am now." "I was once young, which was foolish." "I fell in love, which was foolish." "And I got married, which was foolish." "And for a while I was poor, which was more foolish than all the other things put together." "Then my wife died, which was foolish of her." "I grew older and became a rich man, which was sensible of me." "Since you see I'm a man of sense," "I guess you're surprised to hear that I'm going to get married again." "Well, I have two reasons for it." "In the first place, I like my house run well, with order, comfort and economy." "That's a woman's work, but even a woman can't do it well if she's merely being paid for it." "In order to run a house well, a woman must have the feeling that she owns it." "So, marriage is a bribe to make a housekeeper think she's a householder." "And my second reason?" "Well, there's nothing like mixing with women to bring out all the foolishness in a man of sense." "And I'm willing to take that risk." "I just turned 60, and I just laid side by side the last dollar of my first quarter-million." "So, if I should lose my head a little," "I'd still have enough to buy it back again." "Yes, like all you other fools," "I'm willing to risk a little security for a certain amount of adventure." "Think it over." " Good morning, Cornelius." " Good morning, Mrs. Levi." " Mr. Vandergelder still in his office?" " Yes, but he's going to New York today." "Horace Vandergelder, the handsome business executive." "Well, it seems to me you grow younger and more attractive every day." "Well, thank you now, Mrs. Levi." " Do you think the colour suits me?" " Oh, do stripes suit a zebra?" " Youth and vigour, you have them both." " Oh, I'll never see..." " Fifty-five again." " Oh, 55!" "I can see you at 100, standing around eating five meals a day." "You know, I'm a very good judge of hands." "Show me yours, Mr. Vandergelder." " Lord in Heaven!" "What a lifeline!" " Where?" "From here to here." "It runs right off your hand." "I don't know where it goes." "They'll have to hit you over the head with a mallet." "Yeah." "Oh, yes." "Well, now, shall we get down to business?" "What business?" "About your getting married again." "You haven't forgotten?" "Not at all, Mrs. Levi." "I've practically decided to ask Irene Molloy to be my wife." "Irene..." "Molloy?" "You have?" "Yes, I have." "Well, that's just about the best news I've ever heard." "I guess there's nothing left for me to do, but just wish you every happiness under the sun and say goodbye." "Goodbye." "I guess I better throw this in the stove." "Oh, no, I can't." "You'll have to do it for me." "Well, be sure and send me a wedding invitation," "Mr. Vandergelder." "Wait a minute!" "Wait a minute!" " Who's this?" " Well, I had another suggestion to make but I won't." "You're going to marry someone else," " so that closes..." " Who is this?" "Well, I had found you this other girl." " Her?" "She?" " Oh, yes, yes." "A wonderful girl." "The ideal wife." "That was her high school graduation picture." " What's her name?" " Oh, her name." "Ernestina, simple." "Miss Ernestina Simple." "But now you're engaged to Irene Molloy, well, practically engaged." "I am not engaged to Miss Molloy." "Nonsense, Mr. Vandergelder." "Nonsense." "You can't break poor Irene's heart and then take another girl." "Oh, no." "No, Mr. Vandergelder." "When a man at your time of life sends a milliner a pot of geraniums, that's practically an engagement." " That is not an engagement!" " Still, I wish you were free." "Oh, this treasure of a girl." "As a matter of fact, she's already in love with you." "Oh, and her with a private income" " from investments." " At her age?" "Oh, Mr. Vandergelder." "At seven, she was known as the girl wizard of Wall Street." "Of course, she's a very different idea from your Irene Molloy." "Like her name, Ernestina is, you know, simple." " Can she cook?" " Cook?" "Mr. Vandergelder, I've had two meals from her hands and I don't know what I've done that God should reward me with such meals." "Shoulder of beef, four cents a pound, dogs wouldn't eat, but when Ernestina passes her hands over it..." " And I'm alive to tell it." " How old is she?" "Nineteen." "Well, say 20." "Twenty, Mrs. Levi?" "Why, girls of 20 are apt to favour young fellows of their own age." " She doesn't sound usual." " Usual?" "Do you know the sort of pictures she has on her wall?" "Is it any of these young Romeos and Lochinvars?" "No." "Moses on the mountain, that's what she's got." "And if you wanted to make her happy, you just give her a picture of Methuselah surrounded by his grandchildren." "What are her, as you say, personal habits?" " Is she extravagant?" " Listen." "While she cooks like a great chef, you know what she eats herself?" "Apples and lettuce." "That saves you 2,000 a year right there." "And secondly, she makes all her own clothes, you know, from old tablecloths and window curtains." "And she's the best-dressed woman in Brooklyn this minute." " What's her family?" " Oh, her father, oh, God be good to him, he was the..." "Oh, what am I trying to say?" "He was the best..." "The best undertaker in all of Brooklyn." "Respected, esteemed, knew all the best people." "Oh, knew them well, even when they were alive." "So, that's the way it is." "Well, I'm not going to say another thing." "You couldn't, by any chance," " come to New York this afternoon?" " I was thinking of coming to New York" " this very morning." " Oh, you were?" "Well, now let's see if something couldn't be arranged." "She's so eager to meet you." "Let me think." " Could I..." " Yes." "Yes, go on." "Could I, Mrs. Levi, arrange a little dinner, perhaps?" " If you could arrange it?" " Well, I don't know." "I'm so busy now, you know, with that wretched lawsuit of mine." "But I don't mind telling you that if I win it," "I'll be known as what's called a very rich woman." "I'll own half of Long Island." "But, in the meantime, I'm just at my wit's end, you know, to get a little money." "You know, just enough to help me finish off the case." "I'm just at my wit's end." "Well, maybe I could arrange something." "We'll see." "You know, about the lawsuit, all I need is $50" " and Long Island is as good as mine." " Fifty dollars!" "But, Mr. Vandergelder, I've been trotting all over New York" " trying to find a suitable wife for you." " Fifty dollars, Mrs. Levi, is no joke." "Two whole months, two whole months." "I don't know where money's gone these days." "It's in hiding." " Well, here's 20." " Twenty?" "Well, here's 25." "Now, that's all I can spare." "Oh, this will help." "This will help somewhat." "Now, I'll tell you what we'll do." "We'll have a wonderful dinner..." "Kitty!" "Get away from my fur piece." "And in, you know, some small private dining room at the Harmonia Gardens Restaurant, and we'll just consider the matter of Irene Molloy over and done with." "No!" "Not at all, Mrs. Levi." " I want to have dinner with Miss..." " Simple." "With Miss Simple." "But first I want to make another call on Miss Molloy in New York City." "And Miss Simple?" "Oh, dear, dear." "What races you make me run." "Well, I'll pick you up at your hotel, and maybe we'll have time for a small toast before we start off on the night's perilous journey." "Goodbye for now, Mr. Vandergelder." "Cornelius!" "Barnaby!" "I want to talk to you." "Gentlemen, when I come back from New York, there's liable to be some big changes around here." " You're going to have a mistress." " I'm too young, Mr. Vandergelder." "Not your mistress!" "Death and degradation!" "Not yours, idiot!" "Mine!" "No." "That is..." "Hey!" "Hold your tongue until you're spoken to!" " I'm thinking of getting married!" " Congratulations, Mr. Vandergelder, and my..." "My compliments to the lady." "Now, are there any questions you want to ask me before I go?" "Yes, Mr. Vandergelder." "Does the chief clerk get one evening off a week?" "So that's the way you begin being chief clerk, is it?" "The world is going to pieces!" "You elegant gentlemen lie in bed until 6:00, and at 9:00 at night you rush to close the door so fast that the customers bark their noses." "No!" "No, sir!" "You will keep store as usual!" "And on Friday and Saturday nights, you will stay open till 10:00!" "An evening free." "Do you suppose I had my evenings free?" "You keep asking for evenings free and you'll find yourself with all your days free!" "Remember that!" "Cornelius?" " Oh, fudge." "Barnaby." " What?" "How much money have you got that you can get at?" "Three dollars." "Why, Cornelius?" "You and I are gonna go to New York, too." " Cornelius!" "We..." " You've got $3 and I've got $7," " and that's enough." " Cornelius, we can't." " You mean just close the store?" " Oh, yes, we can." "Oh, yes, we can." "We're gonna go to New York, and we're gonna live." "I'm gonna have enough adventure to last me for years." "I'm gonna have a good meal." "I'm gonna be..." "Well, we're gonna be in danger, and we're gonna be almost arrested, and we're gonna spend all our money." "Holy cabooses, Cornelius!" "We're not gonna come back to Yonkers until we've kissed a girl." " Kissed a girl?" " Twice." "Cornelius, you can't do that." "You don't know any girls." "Barnaby, I'm 6'2.5" tall." "I've got to start sometime." "I'm 5'5"." "It isn't so urgent for me." " Barnaby!" " I don't want to be unemployed." "I mean, being employed means that at least somebody likes you." "Old Wolf-Trap?" "I'd trade Vandergelder for a girl any day." "Remember, Barnaby, someday you're going to end up a success as chief clerk without an evening free." "Look, if worst comes to worst, we can always join the Army." " All right, Cornelius, you lead the way." " Tomatoes." "These'll smell up the place, and we'll have to close the store." "Barnaby, I've got a wonderful idea." "We need some candles." "These'll blow them up." "When these cans get hot, Barnaby, duck." "Get some matches." "We'll get our day off." "Oh, yes." " Holy cabooses!" " Now we'll have to close the store." "Get into your Sunday clothes, Barnaby." "Would you believe it?" "We're going to New York." "I'll tell you one thing, Barnaby." "Someday I'm going to have a store of my own." "What about a girl of your own?" "We haven't even talked to a girl, much less kissed one." "Barnaby, well," "I'll bet you've never even been inside a millinery store." "What's so exciting about women's hats?" "The women who sell them." "Look." "Is that a milliner?" " You bet it is." "Let's go in." " What for?" "Well, for some adventure." "Something's bound to happen in there." " Why?" " Well, in the first place, sales ladies have to be nice to you." "And secondly, you know what they say about millineresses." "No, what?" "Well, I don't know exactly, but it's pretty exciting." "I mean, they all have a past full of mystery and adventure." "It'd be terrible if old Wolf-Trap Vandergelder happened to come by and see us in there." "Barnaby, you make me laugh." "If Vandergelder spent 10 years in New York, you'd never see him in this store." "It's too expensive." "Miss Molloy, you're in such a mood." "Is it because of Mr. Vandergelder?" "Are you really serious about marrying him?" "I certainly am, Minnie, if he ever asks me." "He's coming here today." "Oh, gracious!" "Oh, Minnie, I want to get away from the millinery business." "I've hated it since the first day I had anything to do with it." "I just hate hats." " Why, what's the matter with hats?" " Oh, now, Minnie, don't be a fool." "All millineresses are suspected of being wicked and passionate women." "Well, I can't stand being suspected of being a wicked and passionate woman when I have absolutely nothing to show for it." "But Mr. Vandergelder is so much older than you!" "Minnie, he's a man!" "And what men ever come in here except ribbon salesmen and feather merchants?" "And they're all married!" "All I see from one end of the day to the other is women and this counter!" "I'm always standing behind this counter." "No one ever sees these legs!" " Did you see that?" "Bloomers!" " We sell them at Vandergelder's store." " We see them all the time." " But ours are so empty." " Let's go in." " Now wait." "What..." "What are we going to do when we get inside?" "I don't know." "Maybe buy a hat." "How much money have you got left?" "Forty cents for the train, 70 cents for lunch," "20 cents to see the whale, and the dollar I lost." "I have 70 cents." "Gee, I wish I knew how much hats cost." "I know." "Look, we'll pretend to buy one, and then we won't." "Look, I'll say, "Good afternoon, Miss Molloy." " "Nice weather we're having."" " That's fine, Cornelius." "No, no, look, look, we'll make her think we're rich." "I'll say," ""Good afternoon, Miss Molloy, striking weather we're having." ""We've been browsing everywhere for some exquisite hats," ""and we rather fancy your stock."" "What'd I tell you, Barnaby?" "Let's go in." "Wait a minute." "Is this an adventure?" "Oh, Barnaby, don't go asking me that." "If you're in an adventure, you'll know it all right." "Maybe I wouldn't." "Cornelius, let's arrange a signal for you to give me." "If it's really an adventure, give me a signal." "Say a word." "Say like," ""Pudding."" "All right, Barnaby." "For adventure, "Pudding"." " Good afternoon, gentlemen." " Miss Molloy?" "Miss Molloy." "Miss Irene Molloy." " Here, Cornelius Hackl." " Here, Barnaby Tucker." "Very happy to meet you." " Won't you come in and sit down?" " Yes, thank you, we will." " Now..." " You probably wonder what we want." "We were looking for hats." "Everyone says to come to Irene Molloy's for hats, you know, and so we came here for hats." "That's very complimentary." "Fortunately, I carry hats." "Now..." "We were thinking of five or six, weren't we, Barnaby?" " Five." " Money is no object to us." "None at all." "We've bought hats for just about every girl in the city under 20 years of age." " Oh, my, how wonderfully extravagant." " Money..." " Well, we're from out of town, you know." " You have that well-travelled look." "Yes." "Where're you from?" "Yonkers." "Yonkers?" "Yonkers?" "The New York Yonkers?" "Yes, translated from the Dutch it means, "Place where beauty rests."" "And you speak two languages, too." "You should know Yonkers, Miss Molloy." "Hudson River, the Palisades." "Some say it's the most beautiful place in the world." "That's what some say." "Henry Hudson used to run up there in the Half Moon on weekends." " Is that so?" " If you ever had a Sunday free," "I'd..." "We'd like to show you Yonkers, Miss Molloy." "Well, perhaps." "Now, about these hats..." "Is there a..." "Maybe your fiancé would enjoy Yonkers, too?" " I don't have any fiancé, Mr. Hackl." " You don't?" " No." " That's too bad, 'cause he would've enjoyed Yonkers." "You like this one?" "Well, Miss Molloy, I guess..." "It's just the most beautiful hat I ever saw." "What were we talking about?" "Oh, yeah, Yonkers." "Look, you should know Yonkers, Miss Molloy." "Well, the fact is, I have a friend in Yonkers." "Someone quite well-to-do." "Perhaps you know him." "Oh, but it's always so silly to ask in cases like that, isn't it?" "It's a Mr. Vandergelder." " Who?" " Oh, then you do know him?" " Horace Vandergelder?" " That's right." "No." "No." "Well, then you'll have a chance to meet him, because he's coming here at any moment." "Barnaby, take a look outside and see how the weather is." " The weather?" " You see any signs of dark clouds?" "Clouds?" "There's a thunderstorm heading this way." "Lightning!" "Tornado!" "Everything!" "Excuse me, Miss Molloy." "What an interesting shop you have." "Where's that door lead to?" "That's my workroom, Mr. Hackl." "Everything here is so interesting, every corner, every door." "Cornelius!" "Barnaby, notice these interesting cupboards." "Deeply interesting." "Coats for ladies, but roomy." "Barnaby, notice this table." "Precious piece of furniture" " with a low-hanging cloth." " Hurry up!" "Yes, Mr. Hackl," "I think perhaps your friend might like some of this new Italian straw." "Come on!" "Mr. Vandergelder is a substantial man, they tell me," " and very well-liked." " He's a lovely man." " And a large circle of friends." " Oh, yes, indeed, five or six." " Five." " He comes and calls on you here from time to time, I suppose?" "This summer, we'll be wearing ribbons down our backs." " Cornelius!" " Yes, he should be here now." "I think..." "Cornelius, I think..." "Look out!" "Mr. Tucker, I can't have this in my..." "Oh, Mr..." "Mr. Tucker, would you please..." " I can't have..." " Please, Miss Molloy, we'll explain later!" " Mr. Tucker, really, I..." " We're as innocent as can be." " Cornelius!" "Cornelius!" "Pudding?" " Pudding." "Irene, my dear child." "Heaven be good to us, how well you look!" "What a surprise!" "And Mr. Vandergelder in New York." "What a pleasure!" "Good afternoon, Miss Molloy." "We were going to pay you a very short call, but if it's inconvenient, why, you just tell us." "Inconvenient, Dolly!" "The idea!" "Why, it's so sweet of you to come." "Oh, well, maybe we'll just sit down for a few minutes." "Before you sit down, I have something to show you." "Mr. Vandergelder, I'd like you to see my workroom." "Oh, well, I've seen the workroom hundreds of times." "I'll just stay right here and try on some of these hats." "Oh, no!" "No, Dolly, I want you to come, too." "I have something for you." "Yes." "Now, come along, everybody." "Mr. Vandergelder," "I want to ask your advice about something." "You don't know how helpless a woman in business is." "I could use advice every minute from a business head like yours." "Now I'm closing the door!" " Barnaby!" " Cornelius?" "Maybe she wants us to go." "Certainly we won't go." "Miss Molloy would think we were just thoughtless fellows." "No, I just want to get some air." "Well, what are we going to do when he's gone?" "Oh, I don't know." "I like Miss Molloy a lot." "I wouldn't want her to think badly of me." "Maybe I'll buy a hat." "We can walk back to Yonkers, even if it takes us all night." "All those perfumes in the cupboard tickle my nose." "I like it in there." "It's a woman's world, and very different." "I used to hide under the table from my mother every day when she came after me with the whip." ""This summer, we'll be wearing ribbons down our backs."" "Can I take my shoes off, Cornelius?" "Hey, I've only got a minute, but isn't the world full of wonderful things?" "I mean, there we sit cooped up in Yonkers for years and years, and all the time wonderful people like Miss Molloy are walking around in New York, and we don't know them at all." "I tell you right now, a fine woman, a fine woman is the greatest work of God." "Well, you can talk all you want to about" "Niagara Falls and the pyramids, but they're not in it at all." "Well, women are so different from men." "Everything they say and do is so different that you feel like laughing all the time." "I mean, really, they're different from men." "Oh, yes, they are." "And they're awfully mysterious, too." "I'll bet you could know a woman for 100 years without ever being really sure if she liked you or not." "Right now, right this minute, I'm in danger." "Oh, I'm in danger of losing my job and my future and everything that people think is important, but I don't care." "I mean, even if I have to dig ditches for the rest of my life," "I'll be a ditch digger who once had a wonderful day." "Barnaby?" "Barnaby!" "We can't go back to Yonkers yet," " and you know why?" " Why not?" "Well, we've had a good meal, and we've been in danger of being arrested." "There's still one thing we've got to do before we go back to be successes." "Cornelius, you're never going to kiss Miss Molloy!" " Maybe." " Oh, she'll scream." "Barnaby, you don't know anything at all." "You might as well know right now that everybody except us goes through life kissing left and right all the time." "Well, thanks for telling me, Cornelius." "I often wondered about that." "Mr. Hackl, I thought you were up in Yonkers." "Well, I almost always am, Mrs. Levi." "Oh, Mrs. Levi, please don't tell Mr. Vandergelder." " I'll explain everything later." " We're terribly innocent, Mrs. Levi." " Who's that?" " Barnaby Tucker, just paying a call." "Good heavens, who else is under there?" "Just the two of us, that's all, Mrs. Levi." "Old friends of Miss Molloy's, is that it?" "No, no, we never met her before a few minutes ago." "We think she's wonderful, don't we, Barnaby?" "Well, I think she's just the finest person in the entire world, and I'm ready to tell that to anybody." "And does she think you're the finest person in the entire world, too?" "Oh, no." "I don't suppose she even notices I'm alive." "Well, she must know you're alive in that cupboard." "If I were you, I'd crawl right back in there before somebody comes in." "They're liable to be in any minute." " Can I help you, Dolly?" " Oh, no, no." "No, Irene." "I was just sitting here gathering my thoughts." "Miss Molloy, I have got some advice to give you about your business." "Advice from Mr. Vandergelder, the whole city should hear this." "You pay those girls of yours too much." "I took the liberty of inquiring what they earn." "Girls like that enjoy their work." "Wages, Miss Molloy, are paid to make people do work that they don't want to do." "Miss Molloy, I would like for you to come up to Yonkers to see my establishment sometime." "That would be very nice." " For you, my dear." " Why, thank you." "Thank you." "I have a friend in Yonkers," " someone else." " And who's that?" "Well, someone quite well-to-do, I believe." "Do you know a Mr. Cornelius Hackl in Yonkers?" "I know him like I know my own boot." "Well-to-do?" "He's my chief clerk." " He is?" " He's been in my store for 10 years." " Well, that's hard to believe." " Where would you have known him?" "Just one of those chance meetings, I suppose." "That's what it was." "One of those chance meetings." "Cornelius Hackl has no right to chance meetings." " Now, where was it?" " Now, Mr. Vandergelder, it's very unlike you to question me in such a way." "I think Mr. Cornelius Hackl is better known than you think he is." "Nonsense." "He is in New York quite often, you know, and he's very well-liked." "I think the truth might just as well come out now as later." "Irene is right, Mr. Vandergelder." "Your chief clerk is in New York often." "He goes everywhere." "He has an army of friends." "Everybody knows Cornelius Hackl." "He never comes to New York." "He works all day in my store, and at 9:00 at night, he sleeps in my harness room." "That's what you think, but it isn't true." "Dolly Gallagher, you're crazy." "Oh, by day, by day he's your faithful, trusted clerk." "But by night, well, he just leads a double life, that's all." "He's here at the opera." "He goes to all the fashionable homes." "And he's at the Harmonia Gardens Restaurant three nights a week." "As a matter of fact, he's just the wittiest, gayest, naughtiest, most delightful man in New York." "Well, he's just the famous Cornelius Hackl." "It isn't the same man." "Who took the horses out of Jenny Lind's carriage" " and pulled her through the streets?" " Who?" "Cornelius Hackl." "And who was it who dressed up as a waiter the other night at the Fifth Avenue Hotel and took an oyster and dropped it right down the front of Mrs..." " It's too wicked to tell." " Oh, no, Dolly, please tell us." "No!" " But it was Cornelius Hackl." " It isn't the same man!" " Where did he get the money?" " Oh, he's very rich." "Rich?" "I keep all his money in my own safe." "He has $146.35!" "Mr. Vandergelder, you're killing me!" "Come to your senses." "Why, he's one of the Hackls." " The Hackls?" " They built the Washington Canal." " Then why should he work in my store?" " Well, I'll tell you." "Even though the Hackls have millions, they don't believe in starting at the top." "No, they start at the bottom." "They get to know the people and learn all the merchandise." "And then, when the owner gets old, they just take over the whole business." "It isn't the same man!" "He sleeps in my harness room!" "And he's never going to take over my business." "Excuse me, Miss Molloy." "Excuse me." "I must get together that order for Mrs. Entwhistle." "Irene, I can see you're just as taken with Mr. Hackl as everybody else is." "Oh, now, Dolly." "I only met him once and very hastily." "No, but I can see you were taken with him." "Now, don't you go thinking of marrying him." " Dolly!" " Well, it might be fine, but I'd think it over carefully." "He breaks hearts like hickory nuts." "I forgot the veil!" "Miss Molloy!" " There's a man!" "There's a man!" " Minnie!" "Hold your tongue!" " Minnie, go in and lie down!" " There's a man!" " You've been working too hard." " There's a man." "If there's a man in there, we'll get him out." "Whoever you are, come out of there!" "Nonsense!" "There's no man in there." "Miss Fay's nerves are just playing tricks on her." "Now, come on, Mr. Vandergelder, you sit right down there." "Now..." "Now, what were we all talking about?" "Oh, well, now..." "God bless you!" "Yes, there is a man in there." "I'll explain it all to you another time." "Thank you very much for coming to see me." "Good afternoon, Mr. Vandergelder." " You're protecting a man in there?" " There's a very simple explanation, but for the present, good afternoon." "The room is just crawling with men!" " I can't believe my own eyes." " Come, Mr. Vandergelder." "Ernestina Simple is waiting for us." "Miss Molloy, I shan't trouble you again and vice versa." "When I think of all the interesting things you have in this room, dear, make the most of it." "Goodbye." "You, too." "So this is one of your practical jokes, is it, Mr. Hackl?" "Miss Molloy, I've never been so serious in my entire life." "Barnaby Tucker, come out from under there, you troublemaker!" "Minnie, don't be afraid." "I know all about these gentlemen." "Miss Molloy, we realise that what happened here must look pretty bad." "You think just because you're rich, you can make up for the harm you do, is that it?" "No, no." "Minnie, this is the famous Cornelius Hackl, who goes around New York tying people into knots." "And this is Barnaby Tucker, his partner in foolishness." "How do you do?" "Minnie!" "We're going out to dinner." "If this Mr. Cornelius Hackl is so rich and gay and charming, then he's going to be rich and gay and charming to us!" "Dines three nights a week at the Harmonia Gardens, does he?" "Minnie, he's taking us there right now." "Is it the right thing to do?" "Minnie, you and I have been respectable women for years." "Now, at last, we're in disgrace." "We might as well make the most of it." "But we're not dressed fashionably enough for the Harmonia Gardens." "We will be, Minnie." "Come in here and take this off." "This is for you." "Miss Molloy, I understand there's an awfully nice restaurant" " at the railroad station." " The railway station?" "Certainly not, Mr. Hackl!" "You're going to give us a fine dinner right in the heart of the fashionable world." "Don't you boys forget." "You made us lose our reputations, and now the fashionable world is the only place we can eat." "Now, if you gentlemen will just run along..." "Run along, shoo, shoo, and we'll get dressed." "Run along!" "Be back in an hour." "We'll be waiting for you." "Paper, paper!" "Get the New York..." "I think she's angry at us, Cornelius." "Maybe we'd better run away now." "Oh, no, Barnaby, we're going to go through with this if it kills us." "Oh, Barnaby, for a woman like that, a man could consent to go back to Yonkers and be a success." "All I know is no woman's going to make a success out of me." "Jail or no jail." "Good afternoon, Officer." "We're going to take these ladies out to dinner, so grit your teeth." "But, Cornelius, we don't have enough money." "Barnaby!" "Well, that's what makes it a real adventure." "Well, there's one thing." "If this Harmonia Gardens is a real expensive restaurant, we won't have to worry about bumping into Mr. Vandergelder there." "Oh, Barnaby, in 58 minutes we'll be entering the social world." "Harmonia Gardens!" " Good evening, sir." " Good evening." "Good evening, miss." "Oh, Minnie!" "Oh, Minnie, the world is full of such wonderful things!" "Now, watch me, dear, and tell me if my petticoat's showing." "Good evening." "Good evening, George." "My name is Alex." "Yes, of course, Alex." "Look, Alex, we were just doing the town tonight and we thought we'd drop in for a quick sandwich and a glass of buttermilk." "You say you're all filled up?" "Well, we'll try some other time." "That's the playful Cornelius Hackl for you." "We'll just take Mr. Hackl's regular table, please." "I'm sorry, I don't think..." "We understand." "Saturday night reservations." "Then we'll just take the best dining room you have." "The Florentine Room is already reserved, but I can give you the Venetian Room, right next to the Florentine." "The second best?" "No, no." "We don't want the second best," " do we, Barnaby?" " Certainly not." "I suggest we leave." " I'm offended." " Well, I'm not." " Thank you, that's fine." "We'll take it." " This way, please." "I think you'll find this comfortable." "I'll send your waiter over." "Miss Molloy, you sure you're gonna like it in here?" "'Cause I think I feel a draught." "Oh, indeed I am." "Oh, we're going to have a fine dinner." "It's private and it's elegant." "And now we're all going to forget our troubles and call each other by our first names." "Cornelius, call the waiter." "Waiter..." "Waiter, waiter." "I must've caught cold on that ride." "I can't make a sound." "Waiter, waiter." "No, it just won't come." " Barnaby, you call him." " Waiter!" "I never thought that I'd be in such a place in my whole life." "Miss Molloy, is this what they call a café?" "Oh, yes, Minnie." "This is what they call a café." "Sit down, Minnie." "Cornelius, Mrs. Levi gave us to understand that every waiter in New York knew you well." " They will." " Good evening, ladies and gentlemen." " Hello, Fritz, how are you, old boy?" " I'm Rudolph, sir." "Yeah, yeah, well, yes." "Well, well, Fritz is your twin brother." "Rudolph, these ladies would like a little something to eat." "You know what I mean, Rudy?" "Oh, now, Cornelius, there's no need to be so familiar with the waiter." "Oh, yes, there is." " Menu?" " Thank you." "I'd like some sardines on toast and a glass of milk." "Great grindstones, Minnie!" "What a sensible girl." "Barnaby, shake hands with Minnie." "She's the most sensible girl in the entire world." "And, Rudy, you can bring us two gentlemen two glasses of beer, a loaf of bread and some cheese." "Oh, that's the silliest thing I've ever heard." "We came here to have a fine dinner, and that's just exactly what we're going to have." "Minnie, have you ever eaten pheasant?" " Pheasant?" "No." " Yes." "Rudolph, have you any pheasant?" "Yes, ma'am, just in from Yonkers today." "Even the pheasants are leaving Yonkers." "Write this down, please, Rudolph." " Mock turtle soup." " Mock turtle soup." " Pheasant." " Pheasant." " Mashed chestnuts." " Mashed chestnuts." " Green salad." " Green salad." " And some nice red wine." " Red wine." "Barnaby, watch this." "Rudolph, you can add a Neapolitan ice cream," " hothouse peaches, champagne." " Champagne!" "May I, sir?" "Thank you." "Rudolph." "The smallest tip Mr. Hackl has ever left is $10." "Yes, sir!" "Horace Vandergelder, Yonkers, New York." "Oh, yes, sir." "Follow me, please." "The Florentine Room." "This way, sir." "Beautiful?" "Well, I wasn't thinking of anything quite so, quite so..." "When your guest arrives, I'll direct her here immediately." "Ernestina." "Oh, wrong room." "To all the ladies in the world, may I get to know more of them and may I get to know them better." "To the ladies." "That was very sweet and very refined, Barnaby." "Minnie, you know, I think just for that" "I'm going to give Barnaby a kiss." "Barnaby, this is for you, from all the ladies in the world." "Now I can go back to Yonkers, Cornelius." "Pudding!" "Pudding!" "Pudding!" "What lovely music." "Cornelius, will you dance with me?" "Oh, Minnie, the Hackls don't dance." "We're Presbyterian." "Barnaby Tucker will dance." "You don't seem to be very happy, Cornelius." "Oh, but I am, Irene, about many things." "For instance?" "Well, for instance, that I'm here and you are, too, and that a certain friend of ours named Wolf-Trap isn't." " Cornelius!" "Cornelius!" " What's wrong, Barnaby?" " It's Wolf-Trap!" "In the very next booth." " Wolf-Trap?" "Who is this terrifying Wolf-Trap, Cornelius?" "No, no, no, no." "No, sit down, Irene." "Sit down, Barnaby." "Well..." "Well, yeah, yeah, I have an idea for a game, a wonderful game, a fascinating game." " I can hardly hear you..." " That's part of the game." "It's called "Whisper And You Shall Be Saved."" "Oh, I get it, I get it." "It's a wonderful idea for a game." "It's a very strange name." "Well, yeah, it's a very strange game." "Now, here's what we do." "We think silently to ourselves for five minutes without uttering a word, with our hands over our ears, hands over your ears, and then at the end of five minutes, we each try to guess what the others were thinking of." "If anybody speaks loud during the entire game, he has to pay the check." "No, Cornelius." "You invited us here." "We're your guests." "In "Whisper And You Shall Be Saved", there are no guests." "We are all victims." "Isn't this a picture?" "Something you'd like to frame in your memory." "Heirloom silver, priceless linen, a sensitive but masculine room, and Horace Vandergelder." "Oh, I tell you, I'm a fortunate woman." "Where is Ernestina Simple?" "Where is Ernestina Simple?" "There's a man for you." "You weren't even listening, Mr. Vandergelder." "I listened to you tell me that she was going to be here tonight." "And we hired this banquet hall to meet her in." "Now, where is she?" "Well, if you're going to act like that when she gets here, you're going to lose yourself the best wife east of the Allegheny Mountains." "Then she's coming?" "Well, I talked to her." "I looked at her as long as I dared." "Oh, my eyes ache, so beautiful." "What did she say?" "Well, I'm not going to tell you." "Let her speak for herself when she gets here." "Oh, sherry." "How will I recognise her?" "Mr. Vandergelder, how do you recognise the Rocky Mountains?" "Well, those are big." "Then you'll know Ernestina Simple." "Oh, food, something to nibble on." "I haven't had a thing to eat all day." "Oh, I just love caviar." "Aren't you going to have any?" "Oh, come on, they're awfully good." "Try one." "Good evening, madam." "Mr. Vandergelder, could I trouble you for a moment?" "Stack, what do you want?" "You're through for the day." "Well, Mr. Vandergelder, I was lonesome, and furthermore," "I thought I might come in and ask you if I could have an advance on my salary." "An advance?" "What gall!" "You work for me one day and you want an advance?" "Yeah, give it to him." "Well, all right." "Here's $1." "You'll get the rest of your salary at the end of the week." "Thank you, sir." "You're a kind and generous man." "And in the company of a remarkably beautiful and charming woman." "I bid you good day." "A purse." "That young fellow over there must have let it drop when he come in." "He looks worried, too." "I'll not look inside." "Twenty dollar bills, dozens of them." "I'll just go over there and give it to him." "You're surprised?" "You're surprised that I want to get rid of this money so quickly?" "Well, I'll explain it to you." "There was a time in my life that my chief interest was picking up money that didn't belong to me." "Now, stealing's a weakness." "There's some people who say you shouldn't have no weaknesses at all, no vices." "But if a man has no vices, he's in great danger of making vices out of his virtues." "That's a spectacle." "We've all seen them." "No, no." "Nurse one vice to your bosom." "Give it the attention that it deserves, then let your virtues spring up modestly around it." "I took to whisky, whisky took to me." "Then I discovered one important rule that I'm going to pass on to you, never support two weaknesses at the same time." "It's your combination sinners that dishonour the vices and bring them into bad repute." "There's nothing worse than for a man to be a drunkard and a thief." "So, now you know why I want to get rid of this money." "I want to keep my mind free to do credit to the whisky that it deserves." "And my last word to you is this, one vice at a time." " Pardon me, your honour." " Me?" "May I introduce myself?" "Malachi Stack." "I've come to ask you, have you lost something?" "Oh, Mr. Stack, in this one day, I've lost just about everything I own." "Here it is." "Mr. Stack, it's a miracle." "That's what it is." " Don't mention it, sir." " Barnaby." "Barnaby, come here a minute." "Barnaby, shake hands with Mr. Stack." "Mr. Stack has just found the purse I lost with the money." " The purse with the money?" " You're a wonderful man, Mr. Stack." "It's nothing." "It's nothing." "Well, I'm certainly glad I went to church all these years." "Mr. Stack, you're a good person to know." " Can I give you something?" "A reward?" " Don't mention it." "It's nothing." " Here, take this." " Don't mention it." " And this." " Now, that's enough." " Here, take this, too." " No!" "I might get to like them." "Good night." "Easy come, easy go." "Miss Molloy, I mean, Irene, I feel a lot better about everything." "In fact, I feel so well that I'm going to tell the truth." "Minnie, I forgot that." "Men get drunk so differently from women." "All right, Cornelius, what is the truth?" "If I tell you the truth, Miss Molloy, will you let me put my arm around your waist?" "Minnie!" "All right." "All right, you may put your arm around my waist, just to show that it can be done in a gentlemanly fashion." "But I must warn you, a corset is a corset." "You're a wonderful person, Miss Molloy." "Thank you." "What is the truth, Cornelius?" "Well, the truth is that we Hackls are every bit as wicked and scheming as Mrs. Levi said, and if I were you, I'd leave here right now and never see me again." "I'll take my chances, Cornelius." "I have a telegram for Mrs. Levi, sir." "For me?" " I wonder who it's from?" " Open it." "Don't torture yourself and me." "Oh, I can't believe it." " Oh, it must be a typographical error." " What is it?" "Oh, I don't think you should know." "Mr. Vandergelder, if you're going to act like this before you know anything about it, heaven knows how you'll act when I read it to you." "All right." "I'm calm, calm, calm, you see?" "Now, go on." ""Mrs. Dolly Gallagher Levi, Harmonia Gardens Restaurant..."" "New York, New York." "I know." ""My dear, sweet, wonderful, unselfish, faithful friend, companion and advisor," ""you who would make the most wonderful wife on Earth..."" "She obviously didn't expect me to read this in front of anyone." "Go on." " Modesty forbids." " Go on." "Read it." ""You who know more about the art of love" ""than anyone since Cleopatra or Josephine..."" " Right here, in her own words." " Get to the message, will you?" " "My dear Dolly..."" " I never thought we'd get there." ""I have bad news." Oh!" "I'll never trust another woman again as long as I live." "Well, what is it?" ""Please notify Mr. Vandergelder that I can't have dinner with him tonight," ""because I just got married." ""Ernestina Stuyvesant, formerly Simple."" "Oh, it's enough to spoil your appetite." " Terrible, terrible news." " You haven't heard the worst, sir." " That telegram was collect." " Just put it on the bill." "Now, it's a well-known medical fact that in time of stress the blood rushes right to the stomach." "And the best thing for that is food, good food and lots of it." "You think you can make it to the next chair?" "There we are." "Now, August, I gave Alex the order this afternoon." "I understand, ma'am." "And I'd like to point out that Mr. Vandergelder here is Yonkers' most influential citizen." "And poor Mr. Vandergelder, he's been through a day that would've broken a lesser man, what with men hiding all over Miss Molloy's shop, like Indians in ambush, and him practically engaged to her." "Mrs. Levi, you don't have to tell the waiter everything about me." "Mr. Vandergelder, if you're thinking of getting married again, you might just as well learn now as later that you've got to let women be women." " We insist on good service." " Yes, ma'am." "Mrs. Levi, let me tell you something." "For reasons that are obscure to me, you have busy-bodied your way into my life and affairs." "You have tampered and poked and pulled, until what was an uncomplicated and basic urge on my part has been twisted into an emotional pretzel that might take the few remaining years of my life to untangle." "Why untwist it?" "Just eat the pretzel." "I have lost two chances for a happy marriage on the same day." "I've been handing out money right and left like a salesman for the U.S. Mint." "I've been betrayed, virtually left at the altar, buncoed, overcharged, defied, pitied and laughed at!" "You have a ready wit, Mr. Vandergelder." "When I plan something, Mrs. Levi, it takes place." "You're so right." "You planned this lovely dinner, and here it is." " So let's enjoy it." " Good heavens!" "This can't all be for us." "This must be for some wedding banquet or Hibernian smoker." "It's what Mrs. Levi ordered this afternoon, sir." "The number one, chef's deluxe masterpiece." "Twelve courses." "Mrs. Levi, I'm a neighbourhood merchant, not a Roman emperor." "Oh, nothing is too good for Yonkers' most prominent citizen and eligible bachelor." "Always poking your nose into other people's affairs." "Always trying to run everything." "Always wanting to change everything." "Anybody who lived with you wouldn't have a thought he could call his own." "What's that you said?" "I said, anybody who lived with you wouldn't have a..." "Get that idea right out of your head this minute." "Understand once and for all, Mr. Vandergelder," "I have no intention of marrying you, not with your reputation." "I didn't mean that." "Well, you've been hinting around at such a thing for some time now." "Stop talking like that." "That isn't what I meant at all." "Well, I hope not." "I certainly hope not." "Oh, no, Mr. Vandergelder." "You go your way, and I'll go mine." "Mrs. Levi, you misunderstood me." "Oh, I'll admit, I'm one of the world's best housekeepers and cooks." "And I'm not exactly a mud fence when it comes to being presentable." "And I'll have quite a bit of money from my case, I'll admit that." "But then, I have my various business enterprises to look after." "Why should I give that up?" "For what?" "You shouldn't." "Now I hope we understand each other." "Oh, if I thought of marrying again, Mr. Vandergelder, it would be a much more pleasure-loving man than you." "Why, I'd sooner marry that unpredictable, heart-breaking, man-about-town Cornelius Hackl before I'd marry you." "It's Mrs. Levi." "She's with Wolf-Trap." "I'm sick of hearing about the charming, rich Cornelius Hackl." "He's an incompetent blunderer that I keep working for me out of the same kindness I would show a dumb animal unable to take care of himself." "Now that I think of it, the first thing I'm going to do when I get back to Yonkers is fire him!" "Stop talking." "You're cooling off the vegetables." "Irene, I have an idea for, well, for one of the famous Cornelius Hackl escapades." "You know, like pulling Jenny Lind's carriage, only better." "Why not?" "Throw caution to the winds." "I hope it involves running." "I need the exercise." "Oh, of course it does." "Now, we're gonna go out and get you two lovely ladies a surprise that should make you the toast of the town." "Don't leave here." " We can't go with you?" " No, no, it's too dangerous." "Much too dangerous." "In fact, this money is for the restaurant in case anything happens to us." " You know what I mean?" " I do." "What kind of a surprise, Cornelius?" "Well, if I told you, it wouldn't be much of a surprise, would it?" "But you can bet that it'll be big and unusual." "Barnaby, what are we going to do?" "Oh, no, Horace, a complaining, friendless, quarrelsome soul like you is no sort of companion for me." " No, you go your way, and I'll go mine." " Stop saying that!" " I've lost my appetite." " Oh, just listen to that music." "You know, my husband Ephraim used to say," ""There's nothing like a good dance to bring back the appetite."" "He was a wonderful dancer." "Dance?" "I haven't danced in 20 years." "Oh, I remember you in those days." "You were a wonderful dancer." "Now, come on, come on." "That's the boy." "Ladies and gentlemen, change partners." "Do you come here often, miss?" "This is your first time?" "What's your name?" "Come on, you're too cute to be shy." "Oh, madam, you need a shave." "Ladies and gentlemen, change partners!" "Here comes a waiter." "Let's get out of here." "New York World!" "Read all about it!" "Read all about the shipwreck!" "Paper!" "Paper!" "Get the New York World!" "Got a pencil and paper, Barnaby?" " What do you want it for?" " Turn around." "I'm gonna leave a farewell note." "Really farewell?" "You're never going to see her again?" "Oh, how can I after what I did?" "But you didn't tell a lie, Cornelius." "Mrs. Levi told her you were..." "Told her you were rich and famous." "Well, I led her to believe it was true." "No, Barnaby, we're a pair of cads and scoundrels and bounders." "We deserve to be horsewhipped." "I got kissed, Cornelius, and all you got was trouble." " There." " What'd you write, Cornelius?" ""My dear Miss Molloy, I came to this city in search of adventure" ""and found the finest monument to womanhood I have ever known." ""Now I have defiled her with lies and deceit." ""Yours forever, even though you wouldn't want me, Cornelius Hackl," ""just an unhappy chief clerk from Yonkers."" "That's fine, Cornelius." ""PS:" "Barnaby Tucker is a fine young man."" "Well, I guess that's about it." "Cornelius, that PS, I'm glad you think I'm a fine young man." "Doorman!" "Would you deliver this note to Miss Irene Molloy?" "She's in the Venetian Room." " Here's something for your trouble." " Well, thank you, ma'am." "Well, Barnaby, that was the last of our money." "We walk to Yonkers." "We've got one more stop to make." "We've got to take these things back to the store." "Pardon me, but I have a personal note for Miss Irene Molloy." "Oh, here." "I'm Irene Molloy." "Thank you." "Dolly, you're the most exasperating woman I've ever known." "And you, Horace, could be the most perfectly charming, witty and amiable man if you just wanted to be." " I don't want to be charming." " But you are." "Just look at you." "You can't hide it, at your age." "My age!" "My age!" "You're always talking about my age." "Well, I don't know what your age is, but I do know up in Yonkers, with bad food and bad temper, you'll double it in six months." "Let's not talk about it any more." "But before we drop the subject, there's one thing I am going to say." "Don't!" "Sometimes, just sometimes, I might be tempted to marry you out of sheer pity." "And if the confusion in your house gets any worse, I may have to." " I haven't asked you to marry me." " Well, don't." "Please don't." "Ernestina Simple was a very smart girl when she married someone else." "Oh, stop!" "You're not fooling me." "I know there's no Ernestina Simple." "Now, as I said before, Horace Vandergelder, you go your way, and I'll go..." "Irene Molloy!" "Oh, why, Mr. Vandergelder." "Well, fancy finding you here." "What a fortunate and exciting coincidence." " Good evening, Mrs. Levi." " Oh, good evening, Irene." " May I join you?" " Oh, why not?" "Why not?" "Will you excuse me, Miss Molloy?" "I'll be with you in a moment." "Ernestina Simple, huh?" "Oh, well, it was just one of those things." "And forget all about Irene Molloy?" "Well, it seemed a good idea at the time." "The next time you send yourself a telegram, you'll pay for it yourself." "Good evening, Mrs. Levi." " Knock, knock." " Oh, come in." "May I invite you to dance, Miss Molloy?" "Yes, why not, Mr. Vandergelder?" "It's just as easy to dance with a rich man as a poor man." "My dear." "What is it, my dear?" "Mr. Vandergelder, is it true what they say about Yonkers?" "Is it really the most beautiful city in the world?" "London, Paris, Yonkers." "Come, come, come." "Ephraim Levi, this may surprise you, but I'm going to get married again." "It may surprise him, too, but I'm marrying Horace Vandergelder." "Oh, it won't be a marriage in the sense that we had one, but I think I can make him happy, because I feel he needs me." "And, Ephraim, I'm tired." "I'm tired living from hand-to-mouth." "Money, money is like the sun we walk under." "It can kill or it can cure." "Horace Vandergelder never tires of saying that most of the people in the world are fools, and, in a way, he's right, isn't he?" "But, you know, there comes a moment in everybody's life when he has to decide whether he's going to live among human beings or not." "A fool among fools or a fool alone." "As for me, I've decided to live among them." "Oh, no, I wasn't always like this." "Oh, no." "When my husband died, I retired into myself." "At night I'd put out the cat, and then I'd make myself a little rum toddy, and then I'd lock the doors." "And before I went to bed, I'd say a prayer thanking God that I was independent, that nobody else's life was mixed up with mine." "And then, when 10:00 sounded from Trinity Church tower," "I'd fall off to sleep, and I was a perfectly contented woman." "And after about two years of this, one night an oak leaf fell out of my Bible." "I had placed it there the day my husband asked me to marry him." "It was a perfectly good oak leaf, but without life and without colour." "And suddenly I realised." "I realised that for a long time I had not shed one tear, nor had I been outrageously happy, you know, or filled with that wonderful feeling that something or other was going to turn out well." "I saw I was like the oak leaf, and that night I decided to rejoin the human race." "So, Yonkers, here I come." "People of Yonkers, here I come with money." "Money." "Friends, if you'll pardon the expression, money has always seemed to me like manure." "You know, it's not worth anything unless it's spread around, encouraging young things to grow." "At least, that's the opinion of the second Mrs. Vandergelder-to-be." "Here you are." "Cornelius!" "Barnaby!" "I thought I'd find you here." "Returning the girls' clothes, huh?" "Oh, whatever we've done, we're not thieves, Mrs. Levi." "We had to return these coats and things." "Oh, of course." "But how'd..." "Oh, you recognised us in the restaurant." "Well, certainly I did." "But I wish you'd stayed there with Irene Molloy." "Oh, I couldn't do that, Mrs. Levi." "Everything was all confused, and I was just getting everybody deeper and deeper into trouble." "Cornelius is very honest." "Just how do you feel about Miss Molloy?" "Oh, I don't know." "I feel something very honest and affectionate and uplifting." "Cornelius likes her." "Well, you know, in my way, I like Mr. Vandergelder." "Oh, yes, the window." "Mrs. Levi, you don't." "Are you fooling?" "You like Mr. Vandergelder?" "I would never have guessed that." "Would you, Barnaby?" " Yup." " You would?" "The very young are almost as smart as the very old, Cornelius." "It's in the middle that you get in all the trouble." "Oh, I know it." "Well, Barnaby, you and I'd better get going." " We have a long walk ahead of us." " Back to Yonkers." "Oh, if you'd care to join forces with me, we could all ride together in style." " Barnaby Tucker enlisting." " Me, too." "Our first stop is Irene Molloy's workroom." "We'll see if we can find a window open back there." "I'd like very much to see Yonkers sometime." "There isn't any reason why you can't." "Why don't I invite all of you up to Yonkers tomorrow morning to see my store?" "Now, that's a very interesting idea, isn't it, Minnie?" " Possibly." "We might even see..." " Yonkers at dawn." "There's no finer sight on this Earth seen from the porch of my store." "Oh!" "Thank you." "Expensive?" "$93.20!" "$93..." " $93.20." " And the tip, of course." "Why, a family of four could live for three months on $93." "But Horace Vandergelder always pays his way." "Ninety-three dollars." "Any man who can't pay for what he needs is a failure, and a failure is a fool." "And I shall never be..." "That's funny." "Well, that's odd." "You've lost something, Mr. Vandergelder?" "My wallet!" "It must've fallen." "Help me look for it." "I had it here in my pocket when I came in here." "Three hundred dollars in $20 bills." "It must be here!" "The waiter tells me you are having some trouble, sir." "Pickpockets!" "There are pickpockets loose in this restaurant!" "Mr. Vandergelder, I have some money of my own." " A hundred dollars." " Irene, that's the payroll money!" "The girls will just have to trust us for another week, Minnie." "For you." "For you." "Nothing like this ever happened to me before." "Well, you learned one thing, Mr. Vandergelder." "A man can get along without his wallet, but not without his friends." "Here we are." "Now, there's that's one." "Do you think two'll be enough?" "There we are, we've got to get the owl train for Yonkers." "But first we have to stop at my hotel so I can change." "We better step lively." "Here we go." "Hey, hey, this don't look very decent to me, son." " Decent?" " You'll have to find different seats." "I ain't going to be no party to any orgy on the night coach to Yonkers." "Oh, conductor, only one of these ladies is alive." "I don't know which one." "I'm too sleepy to tell, but if you can find her, you tell her to move." "Oh, Minnie, Yonkers at dawn." "This is it." "Vandergelder's of Yonkers, New York." "Tell me, Mr. Vandergelder, where does..." "I mean, I suppose your employees must be busy with hundreds of customers by now?" "I'll show you the whole place, from the back door to the front." "Mr. Vandergelder." "This way, girls." "Follow me, ladies." "Before your eyes you see almost $10,000 worth of merchandise bought for cash." "Cornelius!" "Barnaby!" "On your feet!" "Well, they're up early, I see." "Trained them well." "The silken, perfumed spot where that international figure, Cornelius Hackl, reposes every night, fighting off beautiful admirers." "What's that peculiar smell?" "Excuse me, ladies." "Cornelius!" "Barnaby!" "Good heavens!" "Oh, girls." "Girls." "Come here!" "Come on!" "Look!" "There must have been an axe murder in here." "Cornelius!" "Barnaby!" "Cornelius!" "What's going on over there across the street?" "What is this?" "It can't be." "How's it coming?" "We could only rent this place for one day." "Oh, here he comes." "Get busy." "Levi and Hackl." "Wait a minute." "Wait a minute here." "What in the world's going on here?" "Levi and Hackl's new store is what's going on, Mr. Vandergelder." "Honest business competition." "I can't believe my eyes or my mind or my ears." "Oh, Cornelius." " Hello, Irene." " Hello, Cornelius." "Cornelius Hackl, after the way I've been a father to you." "Fourteen hours a day and never a night off?" " I made you chief clerk." " Seven times." " Did you read my note?" " Over and over and over." "It's the sweetest note I've ever had the pleasure to read." "She actually knows this Cornelius Hackl?" "Oh, yes, she does." " But..." "But that's impossible." " I think you've lost Irene Molloy." "Oh, for the days when women were sold in marriage for a few cows." "I don't believe anything that's happened to me since I left the store yesterday morning." "Oh, a lot can happen in 24 hours." "Dolly, Mrs. Levi, what are you all doing to me?" "We're quitting you, that's what we're doing." "All of us." "Good morning to you!" " Good morning." " Good morning, one and all." "Your honour, Malachi Stack requests a moment with you." "You'll take the moment on your own time, not mine." "Now, get over to the store and get to work." "Now, it's about that matter of work I wanted to discuss with you." "I'm a restless man." "I feel I should be moving on." " I'll promote you to chief clerk." " No, thank you, sir." "Malachi Stack reporting for work, your honour." "You're hired." "You're all working against me!" "I had ideas, Mr. Vandergelder." "You never would listen." "Well, I'm going to turn this store into the greatest little money-making proposition in Yonkers." " In the state of New York." " The whole country!" " And I'll do the buying." " I'm available if you need a dressmaker." " I'll be chief clerk." " We'll have a sale every month!" " Yes!" "And we'll give credit." " Where credit's due." "Yes, you know, and nothing down and then so much a month." "Free delivery!" " Lots of girl dummies in the window." " Yes!" "And the finest millinery department outside of Paris." "Will you all stop talking?" "If you're trying to show me what a thorough idiot I've been, well, you've succeeded." "I give in." "I'll have a new sign painted in the morning." "Vandergelder and Company." " Hackl and Vandergelder." " Vandergelder and Hackl." " And an interest in the business." " Dolly, I thought you were my friend." "Never mind sentiment, we're talking business." " Thirty-three and a third percent." " Thirty percent and not a penny more." " I don't care how hard you squeeze." " Settled." "You've just made yourself an agreement." "Cornelius, Levi and Hackl just went out of business for Vandergelder and Hackl." "Barnaby!" "Oh!" "Barnaby, you're chief clerk with two nights a week off." " Holy cabooses!" "Would you believe it?" " Mr. Vandergelder, you won't be sorry." "I'll come to work at 5:00 in the morning and I'll stay till midnight, and on Sundays I'll think up things." "You're the best boss anyone ever had!" " You're a sweet man." " You're sweet when you..." "You've got the makings of a great man, your honour!" "Horace, I think you've finally decided to become a human being." "Dolly, it feels nice to be nice." "I don't know how I got so far in life without you." "Oh, you're just exaggerating." "You always had a heart." "You just kept it locked up in your safe." "Dolly!" "Dolly, you have a lot of faults." "Well, I never pretended I was perfect." " You're bossy, inquisitive, scheming..." " Go on." "Go on." "...but you're a wonderful woman." "Dolly, I've half a mind to ask you to marry me." "Now, Horace, you stop right there!" "Dolly, I know I've been a fool about many things, but, even so, could you possibly consider being my wife?" "Well, I don't know, Horace." "How do I know you're not just trifling with my emotions?" " How do I know you're sincere?" " Make him prove it, Mrs. Levi." " Yes." "Yes." "On his knees." " Will you excuse us, please?" "Wonderful woman." "You're just partial." " Oh, by the way, I found your purse." " What?" "Well, where did you..." "You keep it." "Keep it." "Oh!" "I never thought I'd ever hear you say a thing like that." "Horace, I'd be pleased and delighted to marry you." "Well, here we are." "Ladies and gentlemen, Mrs. Dolly Levi..." "Born Gallagher." " ...has consented..." " Finally consented." "...finally consented to be my wife." " Well, Dolly, what's next?" " Well, nothing." "That's about the end of things." "There isn't any more complications, and there isn't any more intrigue." "As a matter of fact, there isn't any more movie." "But before you start reaching for your hats, there's one thing that we have to settle." "We've got to have a moral." "Oh, Barnaby, you're the youngest." "What would you say the moral is?" " I think the moral is..." " Tell the people, dear." "I think the moral is that everyone should take a day off now and then, and if you meet a pretty girl, kiss her." "Irene?" "I think..." "I think it's that life is like a new hat." "You never know if you have the one that really suits you if you keep trying it on in front of your own mirror." "That's very good." "Oh, Horace, what about you, dear?" "I've changed, but not as much as you think I have." "I believe this is the moral." "Love is nice to have around the house, but there's really no substitute for money." "Well, Cornelius, you're the happiest one here." "You should have the last say." "I think it's about adventure." "The test of an adventure is that when you're in the middle of it, you say to yourself, "Oh, gosh, now I've got myself into an awful mess." ""I wish I were sitting quietly at home."" "Yes." "Yes, it is." "And the sign that something's wrong with you is when you sit quietly at home wishing you were out having an adventure." "So, I hope that in your lives you have just the right amount of sitting quietly at home, and just the right amount of adventure." "And he's perfectly right." "So, whatever you people have in your minds, get out and do it!" "Don't just sit there." "Go do it." "But please don't tell anyone I told you." " I hope you had a good time!" "Bye!" " Bye!" "See you!" "Don't forget!" "Save your money!"