"*" "We're lost." "No, we're not." "Look!" "Over there!" "Sam." "Yeah?" "I think we should head back." "We're getting' in too deep." "Aw, but..." "Wait a sec." "What's that I hear?" "It sounds like... women!" "Laughing!" "Let's get out of here." "Aw, come on, man!" "Don't be such a coward." "Let's check this out." "Look at them!" "They're beautiful!" "Aren't they the most lovely, sensuous, inviting women you've ever seen?" "Let's get out of here." "What, are you nuts?" "Look at them!" "They're dangerous!" "They don't look dangerous." "They look lonely." "Well, I'm getting out of here." "Well, I'm going to go introduce myself." "Yoo-hoo, ladies!" "Ladies!" "(BOING SOUND) (MAN EXCLAIMING)" "Hello." "Hi." "Hi, girls." "Peace, peace?" "Not peace, I mean, um, friends?" "Come on, guys." "I just wanted an avocado." "WOMAN:" "Throughout history, the dominant sex would subjugate the weaker." "Just as the Chinese bound the feet of young girls to cripple them into helplessness, so did the Amazon women break the legs of boys to make them subservient." "Is it possible for men and women to coexist as equals?" "(BELL RINGS)" "That's the subject we'll tackle in our next class." "Dr. Hunt, I really love your class." "Well, thank you, Bunny." "You can call me Margo." "I like it so much, I've been thinking about changing my major from home economics to feminist studies, but I wasn't sure if you had any feminist cooking classes." "I don't think we do, no." "Interesting thought, though." "BUNNY:" "The idea of being socially conditioned to be a sex object." "Wait until I tell the girl sat the sorority!" "Bunny, I think you should take a few more classes in women's studies before you decide to switch majors." "But, Dr. Hunt, I know I want to be a liberated girl." "I can just feel it in my toes!" "It could be those pointy boots." "Margo!" "Dean Stockwell." "Dr. Hunt, these gentlemen from the United States government would like to talk to you." "This is Mr. Ford Maddox, U.S. Department of Agriculture, and Colonel Mattel, National Security Commission, Avocado Affairs." "Avocado Affairs?" "Miss Hunt, this is a a matter of national importance." "We need to speak to you immediately." "Alone." "Dr. Hunt, 98% of the avocados produced in the United States come from the stateof California." "Most of these come from a jungle area that spreads from Bakersfield to the Mexican border." "The Avocado Belt." "I'm aware of that." "What does it have to do with me?" "Miss Hunt, maybe you don't get the point." "Avocados are vital to this nation's security interests." "The Communists are already in control of Nicaragua and" "Guatemala, and El Salvador's rife with revolution." "California is the last secure supply of avocadoes in the free world." "We're on the verge of a major avocado gap with the Soviet Union." "Back at the Kremlin, Gorbachev is just chuckling over his taquitos." "I still don't see what that has to do with me." "Doctor, have you ever taken a loyalty oath?" "Colonel, let me handle this." "As I was saying, most of the avocadoes from the United States come from the avocado belt, but they're harvested only on the perimeter of the jungle because, as we all know, the interior is completely wild and uncharted." "Anyone that strays too close to the heart of the avocado jungle never returns." "Why?" "That's a very good question, Bunny." "Perhaps Dr. Hunt would like to answer it." "It's only a legend, really." "We're convinced that they're real." "Who?" "The Piranha Women." "Piranha Women, who are they?" "They're an ancient commune of feminists, so radical, so militant, so left of center, they..." "They eat their men." "Oh, that." "Well, if I like a guy, I usually..." "They don't eat their men like that, Bunny." "More like a black widow spider." "They have sex with their men, and they kill them." "Then they tear them into strips like beef jerky, and eat them with guacamole." "So legend has it." "They are more than a legend." "They're a major agricultural problem." "It used to be safe for avocado pickers to venture within 20 miles of the jungle's edge." "But lately the Piranha Women have broadened their hold." "No one is safe anywhere in the avocado belt." "Well, if they're that much trouble, why don't you just send in the troops and round them up?" "Colonel Mattel?" "The fact is, we tried." "We sent in three divisions, armored with air support.The best men we had." "And?" "They got whupped." "They didn't play fair." "Our men are trained for state-of-the-art high-tech warfare." "Those Piranha Women were using knives and spears." "The officers got confused, and they, well..." "We found these at the edge of the jungle." "Dog tags?" "Look closely." "They're covered with guacamole dip!" "Ew." "Ew." "Now do you get my point, Doctor?" "Your sisters in the jungle are eating the few and the proud!" "Control yourself, Colonel." "Look, naturally we would prefer a military solution." "But, frankly, the U.S. military hasn't had a lot of luck in jungle warfare lately." "So, we're forced to negotiate with the Piranha Women." "That's where you come in." "We want you to go into the jungle and try to reason with these man-eaters." "I can't do that, Mr. Maddox." "We just want the Piranha Women to move out of The Avocado Jungle, to a reservation in Malibu." "Deluxe condominiums." "Pool, sauna, ample parking." "Total luxury living." "We are even willing, at the government's expense, to convert the exercise room so that they may maintain their bizarre sacrificial rituals." "Let me come to the point." "We don't care if these girls want to eat their men." "That's the Piranha Man's problem." "We just want the avocadoes." "And we're willing to pay for them." "I'm sorry, the answer's still no." "It's just like you girls to stick together." "Why don't you tell us the real reason you're not gonna go into that jungle?" "You'd like to see the United States humiliated by a Communist avocado yield!" "I think you'd like to eat me right now, wouldn't you, Dr. Hunt?" "Dr." "Hunt wouldn't..." "Colonel!" "Control yourself!" "Dr. Hunt is a respected middle-of-the-road feminist." "And I'm sure she'll be happy to cooperate with us, especially when she considers how much this university depends upon grants from the Defense Department for its space weaponry program." "And if Miss Hunt, Dr. Hunt, is still unable to see the logic in assisting us, why, I'm sure Dean Stockwell will explain it to her." "Won't you, Dean?" "Now, now, now, gentlemen." "I will not tolerate tactics of this kind." "This university is a bastion of intellectual freedom, and I am sworn to protect that freedom." "I will not tolerate my professors being coerced into anything against their will, no matter how much political pressure is put on me personally." "Margo, you will do exactly as they tell you, or I will cut your funding off, and you can kiss your tenure goodbye." "Comprehendo?" "M-hm." "The real question here is whether or not this projectis worthy of" "Spritzer College's involvement." "What do you say, Doc?" "I guess I'm going in the jungle." "That's terrific." "Nice seeing you." "Thanks again for your help, Dean." "Oh, any time." "Mr. Maddox." "There's something you're not telling me." "Why?" "What do you mean?" "You don't expect me to believe I'm the first feminist you sent in to try to reason with the Piranha Women." "What's really going on in that jungle?" "I suppose you have the right to know the truth." "Two years ago, we sent into The Avocado Jungle the leading feminist scholar, Dr. Kurtz." "Dr. Kurtz?" "Internationally famous author of Smart Women, Stupid, Insensitive Men?" "Yes." "That explains her suddendis appearance from the talk-show circuit." "What happened to her?" "We really don't know." "She may have been killed, or perhaps they're holding her prisoner." "It was shortly after her expedition that the Piranha Women went on the rampage." "Well, I guess, now that you know, you refuse to go?" "Quite the contrary." "Now I know I must go." "No, Bunny, you can't come." "But, Dr. Hunt, why can't I go with you?" "Bunny, look, nobody's ever returned from The Avocado Jungle." "There'll be countless dangers and perils along the way." "I can't take a sophomore into the wilderness." "You don't have the skills or training." "And, besides, you haven't even finished your general ed requirements." "Now, I'm sorry, Bunny." "It's just too dangerous." "Bunny, baby!" "Hey, good-looking!" "How you doing?" "Hi, Chuckie." "Hi." "Bunny, babe, the super party boys at the Delta Epsilon are having another super party this Friday night." "You're not doing anything, are you?" "Well, I wanted to do something, but I guess I'm not." "Great!" "Great, look, this is going to be a toga partyand a beer bust." "And, for special girls like you, we are going to be having a wet t-shirt contest." "But all my t-shirts are dry." "Bunny!" "Don't worry about that." "The fraternity brothers, we're going to take care of you." "Did you ever do anymud wrestling?" "I..." "You're coming with me." "I get to go?" "You'd be safer in the jungle." "Bye, Chuckie." "Patricia, have those filing cabinets I orderedcome in yet?" "No, I've had them on back order for two weeks." "Hm." "Never mind." "I'm going to do some field research, and I need some supplies." "Okay, three legal-size pads, ten manila envelopes, a Dictaphone recorder, and four one-hour tapes." "I'll need a Bowie knife, a first-aid kit, 100 feet of nylon mountain climbing rope, a breach-loading revolver, and holster." "A thousand rounds of ammunition." "Full metal jacket, hollow point, or teflon coated?" "Which do you think would be best for fighting the dangers that lurk inside a hostile jungle environment?" "I would alternate hollow and teflon bullets in the chamber." "That way, you have maximum stopping power, but still armor-piercing capability." "Dr. Hunt!" "Yoo-hoo!" "Yoo-hoo!" "I'm ready." "Oh, Bunny, don't you think you could have worn something a little more practical?" "We're going into uncharted jungle." "Well, I did prepare a flask in my suitcase." "Well, never mind." "If you get in trouble you can wearsomething of mine." "Oh, good." "And I brought along some great lingerie we can share." "Why do the Piranha Women eat their men?" "Well, primitive cultures often use overly simplistic methods of dealing withinter-tribal conflicts." "The Piranha Women probably figured that the problems that arise between men and women naturally in any relationship are best solved by ritualized killing." "Do a lot of feminists eat men?" "No, Bunny." "Well, not many." "You have to understand that the Piranha Women are a primitive, ancient, radical offshoot of the women's movement." "And most feminists, like myself and Dr. Kurtz, we believe in equality between the sexes, not the domination of women over men." "And there aren't any modern feminists that advocate cannibalism." "At least not since the sixties." "*" "San Bernardino." "A rough speck of civilization on the edge of the avocado belt." "We'll head down to some local establishments and see if we can find a mercenary to guide us through the jungle." "I've never been to San Bernardino before." "Don't worry, Bunny, we'll be all right." "Hey, chickies, can I buy you a drink?" "No, thanks." "When I offer a chick a drink, I ex..." "I am not a chick." "I'm an ethnohistorian with a doctorate in cultural anthropology." "Got that?" "Yes, Doctor." "Good." "Now, I understand that your compulsion to assaultwomen verbally stems from a constant exposure to violent and sexist images from a male dominated media." "Therefore, I won't blow a hole in your head." "Thank you." "I'm from the department of feminist studies at Spritzer College." "I want to hire a mercenary for a very dangerous job." "(GROWLING)" "I'm Anvil." "A crazy, ex-Vietnam vet who hires himself out tothe highest bidder." "I can rape, pillage, and napalm an entire South Asian village single-handedly." "I'm Bushito, the world's greatest ninja." "I am a killing machine, master of all the deadly arts." "And if you need a mercenary to kill and to maim, I am the best." "I am the Black-Masked Avenger!" "World-champion wrestler and weight-lifter." "I don't need no weapons or guns." "I can crush men with my bare hands." "I can squish 'em, smash 'em and throttle them!" "Look at this!" "So, what is your job?" "You wanna burn down a small town?" "Attack animpenetrable fortress?" "Or crush an army of enemies?" "I need a guide to take meto The Avocado Jungle." "ALL TOGETHER:" "The Avocado Jungle?" "I want to make contact with the Piranha Women." "ALL TOGETHER:" "The Piranha Women?" "Excuse me, Miss, I've got to go to the Veterans' Center for some counseling." "Maybe next time." "I forgot, I'm busy." "There's a showing of The Seven Samurai tonight and..." "Bye." "I've got to go on Nutri system, yes." "Lose a little weight." "A jungle trip is out of the question right now." "Well, let that be a lesson to you, Bunny." "A bunch of violent brutes wrapped up in a blanket of male machismo." "They're happy to victimize the helpless, but one thing sends them scurrying away." "One thing strips their phony courage." "The threat of a strong woman." "Not so fast, Dr. Margo Hunt, Ms. Ethnohistorian." "There's still some real men left in this world, men who haven't been cast rated by the years of feminist propaganda that corrupted the public school system and infectedprime-time television." "Men who believe that Nature designed women to cook,nurture children and pose for Penthouse Magazine." "Real men who say our role in this world is to love, protect and, yes, I'm not afraid to say it, dominate women." "(CRASHING)" "I'll go into the avocado jungle with you." "I'll lead you to the Piranha Women." "I'm man enough to face the dangers that lurk in the dark bosom of the jungle." "(GROWLING)" "(SCREAMING)" "I'm not afraid of the Piranha Women any more than I am of a certain ethnohistorian who, terrified of her own frailty and need to be loved, abandoned her femininity in a bizarre charade of scholarship and androgyny." "Jim, what are you doing here?" "You know him, Dr. Hunt?" "Sure she knows me, Bunny." "Dr. Hunt and I are old friends, aren't we, Margo?" "Well..." "We were in love once, desperately and passionately in love." "But that was a long time ago, wasn't it, Margo?" "Back when your mind wasn't filled with bizarre feminist notions about the meaninglessness of love." "Back then, you were the most giving, passionate women I'd ever met in my life." "I turned my whole world upside-down for you." "We share our innermost thoughts and feelings." "We made plans, big plans, plans for a life together." "And then you dumped me flatbecause I didn't turn out to be the sort of man who fit in neatly with the feminist tommyrot you were being force-fed by your professors." "It was a one-night stand." "I was half-drunk and left right after we had sex." "We didn't say eight words to each other, and all yours were composed of one syllable." "Ha!" "Just like you to count the words, Dr. Hunt." "But what you never understood is there are some feelings that can't be measured in words, some moments that last an eternity." "You toyed with my affections and, after you crushed my heart, I crawled into a whiskey bottle, and I haven't come out since." "You left for Hawaii the next day with the bimbo in the cafeteria." "Well, yeah, but I had made that date a week before." "And, besides, the second I got back from Hawaii, I..." "I crawled into a whiskey bottle, and I haven't come out since." "Ugh, let's go, Bunny." "Wait!" "You said you needed a guide." "Well, I'm the best." "Well, I've changed my mind." "We'll do without one." "Fat chance." "You won't last ten minutes in that jungle without me." "I can take care of myself." "Not in The Avocado Jungle, you can't." "Do you know what jungle herb cures the poisonous bite of the river snake?" "Do you know where the only land route is around the waters of death?" "Do you know the way through the secret maze caves that lie underneath Hangman's Cliff?" "Huh?" "Do you?" "Well, no, I don't." "Do you?" "Well, no, but I have this paperback." "I'll buy my own book." "It's out of print." "You as a guide?" "How much?" "Oh, isn't that fine!" "Just like you to treat me like a gigolo and offer me money, after all we meant to each other." "How much -$25,000." "Forget it." "Fifty bucks?" "Okay." "That's fifty, plus expenses." "Now, Jim, I don't care what happened to us before." "That's all in the past." "I've hired you as a guide with the understanding that our relationship will be strictly professional from here on in." "Whatever you say, honey buns." "Get out." "Okay." "Okay, you're right." "I just slipped." "Strictly professional." "If that's the way you want it, that's the way it'll be." "I'll be good, really." "I promise." "(TIRES SKIDDING)" "I guess sharing a sleeping bag is out, then?" "*" "This is it." "The Avocado Jungle." "It doesn't look like a jungle." "Hm." "The outer regions aren't very overgrown, but the foliage gets thicker the deeper you go." "We're going to have to leave the jeep here and continue on foot." "Yeah, well, you girls better hang back." "This could be dangerous." "We don't want to make any misstep." "(CRASHING) Oh, geez!" "BUNNY:" "Are you okay?" "Yeah." "Yeah, just checking the tires." "Yeah, they're good." "I'll look at the oil later." "He wrecked my nails." "Here it is." "The Avocado Jungle." "Look around you, Bunny." "In front of us, the lush, untouched rainforest of the last surviving matriarchy." "Behind us, the polluted patriarchy of Western civilization." "We're leaving a world dominated by men and entering one ruled by women." "Whup-de-doo." "Just keep bashing men." "In a couple of days, you'll be dying for a Burger Kingout here." "I doubt it." "Yeah, you women are always bitching and moaning about men and the way we run things, but, let's face it." "Who could have ever invented but a man, the 64 GTO?" "Or, for that matter, the Corvette Stingray, any year, any model?" "All you women have ever done is, what?" "Some French chick invented kryptonite or something." "The important things like beer and meat, that was all men." "Yeah, it's hard to imagine a woman inventing nuclear weapons." "Exactly." "And where would webe without them?" "The Nazi blitzkrieg seemed like a male idea, not to mention" "South African apartheid." "How about World War I?" "The Crusades?" "The Spanish Inquisition?" "The rape of Shanghai?" "BUNNY:" "So men have done a lot of things." "Elvis Presley." "Janis Joplin." "Patton." "Joan of Arc." "How about Tammy Bakker?" "Jim Bakker, Jerry Falwell, Jimmy Swaggart." "Jessica Hunt, Fawn Hall..." "Josephy McCarthy." "Richard Nixon." "Joan Rivers." "Joan Rivers?" "I like Joan Rivers." "I think she's funny." "Well, I think Nixon's funny." "Jim, what are you doing?" "Hacking out a trail through the underbrush." "A trail?" "You're just hacking at branches on the side." "Yeah, but I just bought the machete." "It seemed likea shame not to use it." "Anyway, it's good practice for when the jungle really gets thick, you know?" "Sometimes I swing two or three, then it's really light." "I think you look really handsome with a machete." "Well, thank you, Bunny." "Come on, you two." "We've gota lot of ground to cover before night." "Girls in front of boys." "No, no." "Boy, girl, boy, girl." "No." "No, that's the way you do it in the jungle." "No!" "Hey." "Want some?" "Yeah." "What is that?" "Pina colada." "Where's Bunny?" "That's funny." "She was right..." "Bunny?" "Bunny!" "Bunny!" "Bunny!" "Kitty?" "Oh, you're so sweet." "Kitty?" "Here." "Oh!" "Good kitty." "Nice kitty." "Are you lost?" "Huh?" "Where's your home?" "What do you like to eat?" "Ooh, look at your eyes!" "JIM:" "Bunny!" "Oh, no." "DR. HUNT:" "Bunny!" "Bye." "Bye." "Coming!" "JIM:" "Bunny!" "DR. HUNT:" "Bunny!" "Oh, her curling iron." "And her Indiana Jones lunch box." "Bunny!" "Whoa!" "Look at all this stuff!" "Milk Duds, Good 'N Plenty, Nutty Buddies!" "I had a feeling she was holding out on us." "Bunny!" "I just found a big kitty." "Where have you been?" "Don't you know it's dangerous in the jungle?" "Didn't you know it's dangerous to hold out on your friends?" "Give me that." "Ow!" "Do you have a band-aid?" "You don't have any idea where we are?" "Of course I know where we are." "I know exactly where we are." "Oh, good." "We're..." "Let me see that." "Honey, honey, honey, please!" "I know you think you know everything about everything, but when it comes to reading maps, I happen to be an expert." "All right." "Now, our best chance of finding the Piranha Women is to take the Rio Santa Rosa river." "It runs the length of The Avocado Jungle, and it is, I believe, their primary source of fresh water." "Well, maybe we can build a raft and float downstream." "Yeah, good." "Whatever." "All right." "Now, according to my calculations, with the north star overhead, and the moon rising easterly, and allowing for a wind factor of five, the river should be approximately 23.6 miles away." "It should take us about two days to get there." "Twenty-three miles?" "But the jungle is so lush and green around here." "Are you sure it's not closer?" "I mean..." "Sweetie, sweetie, sweetie, please!" "If there's one thing I know, it's how to read a map." "Now, if you will excuse me, I'm gotta to go tothe little boy's room." "Make yourselves busy." "God, women!" "You know?" "They thing they know about everything... (SCREAMING) (SPLASHING)" "I think he found the river." "Maybe that isn'tthe North Star." "They're all dry now, but I want to get the wrinkles out." "Maybe you could put a neat military crease across the front panels of the pants and shirt." "Oh, sure!" "You sure are a good little homemaker, Bunny." "Thanks." "I've been taking home economics for two years now." "But I'm switching my major to feminist studies." "What do you want to do that for?" "I want to expand my mind." "Hm." "Why?" "Gee, I don't know." "Maybe I could become the first woman president or something." "I followed the river for about half a mile." "There's the wreckage of small boat near the shore." "Now, if it's salvage able, we could use it to travel downstream." "I wonder what it was doing this deep into the jungle." "The Patna." "You know it?" "Yes." "Yes, I know it." "It was a long, long time ago." "I was young, very young, and stupid." "Very stupid." "I made a mistake." "A nasty business." "I panicked, got drummed out of the Merchant Marine." "I spent the next three years of my life criss-crossing the globe, trying to live it down." "I'm sorry." "I don't want to talk about it." "Whatever." "After that, I crawled into a whiskey bot..." "Ah, Jim, please!" "Not the whiskey bottle again." "Poor Jimmy doesn't have a tent." "Bunny, he'll be all right." "It's a warm night." "Listen." "Isn't that beautiful?" "(HARMONICA MUSIC PLAYING)" "He is awfully good." "You're kind of tough on him." "Yeah." "He said he loved you." "I doubt that." "And it never would have worked out." "He's an egotistical, chauvinistic klutz." "I think he's kind of cute." "Well, maybe I am a little hard on him." "Bunny, it's just that here presents my failures." "Failures?" "You?" "Sure, we all have them." "Can I tell you a secret I've never told anyone before?" "Sure." "In a way, Jim is right." "I am afraid of men." "My relationships have been, well, I've had a lot ofone-night stands." "A little to drink, you know, to give myself an excuse, and I subconsciously fall for jerks I know I'll never be emotionally involved with." "It's all so empty." "Passionless, really." "I guess deep down I'm afraid that there can never be anyrespect or equality between the sexes." "Not really." "I've avoided commitment because I'm afraid I'll be emotionally dominated by my lover or, equally as sad, that I'd dominate him." "I guess that seems kind of strange, huh?" "Can I tell you something, too, Dr. Hunt?" "Something I've never told anybody before?" "Of course, Bunny." "I'm glad we got to share this." "Well, sometimes when I'm with a guy, I wish that he'd tie me up with red licorice ropes and then spank me, and then he'd eat the ropes, and then he'd free me, and then we'd make love while the Philharmonic played Bolero." "Thank you, Bunny." "You really put my thoughts in perspective." "I feel better, too." "Hey, you want some red licorice?" "No, thanks." "How about you, Bun?" "Come on, it's a foot-long." "Start on the end." "I'll meet you in the middle." "No, thanks." "Suit yourself." "(JIM HUMS)" "Let's see if this boat floats, huh?" "What do you say?" "And over here on the left, we have the tribal headhunter and trader." "He's got a special for us today." "It's a two-for-one." "Two of his heads for one of yours." "Do we have any takers?" "Boy, this is incredible." "You've memorized the entire speech in the jungle boat ride at Disneyland." "That'll be useful." "I can do the Tiki Room, too." "You know everything!" "Can you steer a boat?" "Hey, I know Adventureland like the back of my hand." "Of course, this jungle can't be much different." "(LOUD NOISE)" "What was that?" "Something went under the boat." "Something big." "Ah, it's probably just a rock." "Hardly." "A hippo, look!" "A hippo?" "In California?" "The Palm Springs hippo." "It's a lighter version than its African cousin because of the low-cholesterol diet." "But it's just as deadly." "Oh, my God!" "It's trying to get the boat!" "We're going to die!" "Man the helm!" "Don't let it broadside us, Jim!" "Hard to port!" "Hard to port!" "Port?" "Is that left or right?" "I..." "Left!" "Left!" "(SPLASHING)" "BUNNY:" "Is it dead?" "I think so." "Boy!" "Did its ears wiggle when it started to get close to us?" "Yeah, their ears wiggle when they're angry." "Yeah." "This is not the Disneyland jungle boat ride!" "Get real, folks, we were almost killed!" "(DUCK QUACKING)" "Sh!" "Someone's in the bushes." "I hear something." "BUNNY:" "The Piranha Women?" "Oh, Lordy!" "Get down!" "They're attacking!" "Oh!" "I'm coming!" "Where does it hurt?" "I can't tell." "I think I'm in shock." "Am I bleeding?" "No." "What was it that did me in?" "A rock, a spear, an arrow?" "It looks like a knitted potholder to me." "It looks like a doily." "It's a crocheted pot holder." "Boy, those Piranha Women are stupider than I thought." "What do they think they're going to get attacking us with doilies and pot holders, and placemats?" "You know, women today are just not the way I thought they would be." "Well, I don't think it's the Piranha Women." "Whoever it is, they're gone now." "Let's go investigate." "Wait!" "They could have flatware." "It might be dangerous." "Why would someone attack us with pot holders?" "Well, maybe it wasn't meant as an attack." "Maybe it was meant as an offering." "JIM:" "An offering?" "You don't mean..." "Yes." "Who?" "Oh, let's go back to the boat." "No, we can't go back." "We want to be the first outsiders ever to make contact." "JIM:" "They're disgusting!" "BUNNY:" "Who?" "DR. HUNT:" "They're not disgusting." "You think that anyone that chooses to live their lifedifferently than you is disgusting." "Well, different lifestyles have different traditions, Jim." "So do worms, but I don't have the stomach to look at them." "BUNNY:" "Who?" "It's just a legend, really." "But in The Avocado Jungle, there's a tribe of men who live apart from the Piranha Women..." "And I'm cowering in fear of them." "They have different cultures, Jim." "They're really very caring and nurturing." "They're a bunch of weenies!" "They make pot holders?" "Well, they make baked goods, sew their own clothes, and they leave out handicrafts for the Piranha Women, and, in return, they don't eat them." "Kind of a symbiotic relationship." "Kind of an idiotic relationship, is more like it." "What are they called?" "The Donnahews." "Come on out!" "Don't be afraid!" "BUNNY:" "We won't eat you!" "We promise!" "Don't be afraid!" "Look!" "I'm an ethnographer." "What wimps!" "It's a different culture, Jim." "I think they're sweet." "Thank you, it's beautiful!" "CHANTING:" "Donnahew, Alan Alda, Mark Harmon, Walter Mondale." "Get off of me, you wuss!" "Get away!" "Ugh!" "I'm not getting on my knees!" "Great suffering!" "Man, they're just a couple of chicks!" "*" "Donnahew?" "Oh, thank you, no, I'm stuffed." "Really." "It was all delicious, though." "Alan Alda?" "Thank you, no." "Oh, yes, thank you." "This tuna fish casserole is a dream." "And the stuffed bell peppers, they're so good." "Aren't they really good cooks?" "Really good wimps, is what they are." "Why does it bother you so much to see men cooking and performing tasks generallyrelegated to women?" "They seem happy enough." "You act as if your own masculinity were threatened because another man performs a supposedly feminine task." "Why can't you just be yourself and let them be who they are?" "Because..." "Sorry, pal." "Because no man can be truly happy acting as a house maid to a bunch of man-eaters." "Cooking and sewing just aren't in the male hormones." "These poor, desperate wretches don't know any better because they don't have any role models, like John Wayne or Stallone." "If they did..." "They'd be violent, emotionally repressed, and narrow-minded." "Just like my heroes." "Strong and masculine and virile." "Hey, buddy, you got anyof that kiwi tart left?" "And can I get a chair?" "Oh, my!" "It's beautiful!" "Oh, you made it yourselves?" "It's wonderful but, really, I..." "My apartment is so small, I..." "Really, I couldn't." "Nice, though." "Very nice." "I have a lot of fantasies about being tied up and spanked." "I suppose it isn't very liberated, is it?" "What kind of fantasies do feminists have?" "Bunny, please go to sleep!" "We have to get up early and look for the Piranha Women." "What kind of fantasies do Piranha Women have?" "Eating men, I suppose." "Charbroiled or baked?" "Donnahew, Alan Alda." "Oh, great." "I could use a drink." "What is this?" "Hot chocolate?" "Men don't bring other men hot chocolate!" "Guys, this is no way to live." "What's killing me, is I know that, deep inside, every lastone of you beats the heart of a virile, macho, manly man." "And I'll be damned if I sitidly by and watch you allwaste away your lives as a bunch of sniveling, cowardly wimps." "Tonight I'm going to teach you all how to be men." "And I know just how to do it." "Beer!" "There!" "See what it is to be a man!" "Huh?" "Take it!" "Do it!" "Come on, I know you want it!" "Be a man!" "Do it!" "Beer!" "Come on, you're the chief." "Show 'em what you got." "Come on, boys, pass 'em out!" "Beer!" "Beer!" "Beer!" "Beer!" "Beer!" "Beer!" "Beer!" "Beer!" "Beer!" "ALL TOGETHER:" "Beer!" "Beer!" "Beer!" "Beer!" "Beer!" "Beer!" "Come on, guys, keep drinking." "There's plenty more where that came from." "All right." "Now, we're going to have a little pop quiz here on what we learned." "So, pay attention." "Eyes front." "Now, what's that?" "ALL TOGETHER:" "Beer." "Yeah, all right, good." "Here we go." "What's that?" "ALL TOGETHER:" "Penthouse!" "Yeah, okay." "What's that?" "ALL TOGETHER:" "Key chain." "Right on." "Good men." "All right." "Now, let's take a little scenario, here." "Let's say you're riding down the street in your Corvette, you got one hand on the wheel, palming it, you got one eye out looking for the cops." "You spot out of the corner of your eye, walking down the street in some sexy hot pants, some buxom teen talent." "You know, a dame." "A girl, a broad, a wench." "A woman!" "So, what do you do?" "No, no get back!" "You don't run and hide!" "Get back there!" "You know, what do you do?" "No, no, you don't offer them knitted products!" "Men don't knit!" "You yell out to her!" "You yell out, "Hey, sexy mama!" ""Hey, love machine!" "You want to go for a ride in my 'vette?"" "So, let's try it, all right?" "Okay?" "Hey, sexy mama!" "ALL TOGETHER:" "Hey, sexy mama!" "Hey, love machine!" "ALL TOGETHER:" "Hey, love machine!" "That's it." "You want to go for a ride in my 'vette?" "ALL TOGETHER:" "You want to go for a ride in my 'vette?" "Yeah!" "That was pretty good." "All right." "Go ahead, boys,you earned another swig." "Ah..." "Yeah." "Hey, fellas, take five." "(CRASHING)" "Excuse me, hi." "I heard all the noise, and I couldn't sleep, so I thought maybe you wanted me to make you some hot chocolate." "Chick." "Broad." "Sexy mama!" "What?" "Hey, baby!" "You want to go for a ride in my 'vette?" "I don't know, where's it parked?" "Hey, love machine, let's do it dirty." "Love machine?" "What happened to tuna fish casseroles and needle point?" "I mean, all I came out here was to ask for somehot chocolate..." "Dr. Hunt!" "No!" "Dr. Hunt!" "Let go of Bunny." "No!" "What are you doing out here?" "Look, I'm sorry, all right?" "I'm sorry." "I mean it, I'm sorry." "It's just that we had a party and the boys got a little out of control." "Out of control?" "They tried to gang rape Bunny." "And I didn't get any hot chocolate." "Gang rape her, huh?" "Boy, I didn't know they had it in them." "Jerk." "I'm sorry." "I didn't mean it that way." "I meant..." "Bunny, you know what I meant, right?" "I guess so." "It's just that, considering how faggy they were acting, it's just kind of delightful to see them finally taking a healthy interest in the opposite sex." "God!" "A healthy interest to you means a violent one." "Oh, yeah, like your little Piranha Women don't resortto violence." "They only kill, slice up and eat men." "Quite right, and I'm beginning to think they've got the right idea." "*" "Oh, fudge a duck!" "The propeller's stuck again." "There's too much grass in this area." "Look, we're just going to have to drag it downstream where there's deeper water." "Drag it?" "Yeah, drag it." "You got us into this mess." "Oh!" "You mean we have to get in the water!" "I didn't even bring any trunks." "Hey." "Yeah." "Ew!" "Ew!" "What, what, leeches?" "No, catfish." "Catfish?" "Catfish don't bite." "I know, but they swish all around my ankles, and it feels icky." "I always hated catfish, even as a kid." "There's no ickier feeling than catfish swishing around." "I mean, what if one crawled up my pants like..." "Oh, shut up with the catfish!" "If you want to get back in the boat, get back in the boat." "Margo, me thinks thou doth protest too much." "What's that supposed to mean?" "You're always mad at me, you're always yelling at me." "I'm sure a big doctor like you knows that, underneath that meanness, you're just hiding your true feelings." "Ha!" "Which is?" "That you really love me." "I don't love you, I don't even like you!" "Humph!" "Then why is your voice quivering as you say that?" "My voice is not quivering." "Yes, it is." "It is." "You can always tell when a woman's in love because her voice quivers when she speaks." "My voice is not quivering!" "Why are you getting so emotional?" "I'm not emotional." "It's quivering again." "I'm not emotional or quivering." "Margo, are you getting your period?" "No, I'm not getting my period." "It's not due for two weeks." "Why am I telling you this?" "Because I care, dammit!" "Jim, there's a leech on your neck." "Ugh!" "Ew!" "Ew!" "Leech!" "BUNNY:" "Hey, are you guys having a water fight?" "No, we're not having a water fight." "JIM:" "That's when I decided to start my own business." "Everybody said I was crazy, but taking orders from others, that's just not the way the Jim man is made." "Hey, Margo, have some of this." "It's great." "It's a great dip." "It's guacamole." "Of course, it's guacamole!" "I'm sick of guacamole!" "I'm sick of avocadoes!" "I want meat." "Ha!" "I told you you'd want a Burger King out here." "Or maybe a nice juicy steak, or some meat loaf, or..." "Quit looking at me like that." "Hey!" "You want to eat me, don't you?" "I didn't say that." "You were thinking it." "I can see that look in your eye." "You want to eat me!" "Only for a minute." "Moderate feminist!" "You women's libbers are all alike." "A couple of days out here in the jungle, and you turn into savages!" "You throw away all that rhetoric about equality, and you get down to what you really want." "The domination and consumption of men." "I'm sorry!" "I'm hot, and I'm tired, and I lost my head for a moment!" "Or maybe you found your true self." "Take a look at her, Bunny." "Take a good, hard look." "She wants to eat me." "See for yourself what the women's movement is really all about." "That's it!" "You're dead meat!" "No, no." "Honey!" "Help." "Hey, honey, chill." "Chill, really." "Come on." "Why don't you have some choice Donnahew meat, huh?" "I'm sure they'd be pleased to be eaten by you." "Chauvinistic pig!" "Let's see what you look like with some real..." "Don't eat him, Dr. Hunt!" "Oh, my..." "I'm losing my mind." "It's this jungle." "I'm just losing my mind." "Well, with having your period and everything..." "We've got to go back." "We're going back." "We've just gone too deep into the heart of the jungle." "We're going back." "It's a little too late for that, Margo." "I think they found us." "BUNNY:" "Cute outfits!" "JIM:" "Maybe, but they don't look too friendly to me." "DR. HUNT:" "Don't worry." "What have you got?" "Grenade?" "Gun?" "No, something all feminist cultures will understand no matter how radical or how primitive." "My N.O.W. membership card." "(SPEAKING FRENCH)" "What did she say?" "I'm not sure." "It's a strange, difficult language." "Listen, I am looking for Dr. Kurtz." "Do you understand me?" "Dr. Kurtz." "Kurtz?" "Yes, Dr. Kurtz." "Can you take me to her?" "Get your stuff." "The secret temple of the Piranha Women." "Their architecture issurprisingly advanced." "It looks like a big Lego to me." "This must be the altar roomwhere they..." "Eat guys?" "Yeah." "Hey, look." "A vegetable juice spa." "This must be great for the complexion." "Jim, don't." "What?" "Bunny, hand me one of those Fritos." "(BUBBLING)" "What is it?" "A piranha." "The real thing." "This must be where the Piranha Women dispose of the fat and bones of their male sacrifices." "DR. KURTZ:" "Very good, Dr. Hunt." "That's quite correct." "Francine Kurtz." "Then you are alive." "And she's got one of those cute outfits on." "I have more than just the outfit, Bunny." "The Piranha Women have christened me Empress of The Avocado Jungle." "I am their supreme ruler." "Empress?" "I knew the Avocado Board would send someone after me, but I never suspected it would be another feminist." "After I did away with the army..." "You mean to say you led those Piranha women against the soldiers?" "Of course." "They violated our jungle sanctuary." "They had to die." "They were pretty delicious, too." "Dr. Kurtz, I am unfamiliar with the academic guidelines at Radcliffe, but I would think any major university would consider warring on the United States and eating prisoners of war a serious breach of ethics." "Always the cautious scholar, huh, Dr. Hunt?" "I'm not here to study the Piranha Women." "I'm here to lead them." "The future of feminism lie sin this temple." "You're saying the future of women is in cannibalism?" "Face up to the truth!" "This is a war!" "A war between men and women." "Anything short of cannibalism is just beating around the bush." "Well, it's obvious the Avocado Board sent the wrong scholar to deal with the Piranha Women." "And you're so obviously the right one." "An academic so naive, so trusting, she actually believes there's an avocado shortage." "Yes." "That's what they told me, too." "But I was suspicious enough to do a little researchinto the matter." "The fact of the matter is, the United States hasa massive avocado glut." "They're dumping avocados by the ton into Santa Monica Harbor just to get rid of them." "But if that's the case, then why send me?" "You're an ethnohistorian." "Use your head." "It's not the avocados the government is worried about, it's the Piranha Women." "The reactionary male factions are terrified of them." "Terrified of the example a nation of strong women might set for the rest of the country." "After they succeeded in stopping the ERA, in the wake of a mainstream feminist backlash, they figured it was the perfect time to wipe out the Piranha Women for good." "But the reservations in Malibu?" "They're there all right." "I did some research into those, too." "Deluxe condominiums." "Pool, sauna, total luxury living." "Only what they didn't tell you about, were the thousands of subscriptions to Cosmopolitan that were timed for delivery when the Piranha Women took up residence." "Not to mention the team of Mary Kay cosmetics saleswomen who were ready to pounce upon them." "They had a secret plan for doing away with the Piranha Women." "Something far more sinister than armored divisionof infantry." "Cultural assimilation." "Yes." "Within five years, the Piranha Women would have been just a bunch of bikini bunnies bouncing around Malibu, looking for a good sushi bar." "I know a great sushi bar in Malibu." "You go down Sunset, turn right at PCH and..." "You see?" "They would have all ended up..." "like her." "Now that you're here, you have only one choice." "To join with us." "Become a Piranha Woman." "I can't do that." "Although I'm discouraged," "I can't give up hope that there will be equality between the sexes." "I cannot allow you to leave the jungle and reveal the secrets of the Piranha Women." "You either join us, or you all die together." "Then kill us." "Because I'd rather die than compromise my ethical standards." "Hey!" "Speak for yourself." "I'm sure we could round-table this whole thing and come up... (SNAPPING FINGERS)" "You, idiot male, will die anyway." "You look a little tough, but I suppose if you were marinated before cooking..." "Take him." "Marinated?" "Sweetie, that's carcinogenic." "You don't want to..." "Bunny!" "Jim!" "Help me!" "Take Dr. Hunt also." "You're outnumbered, Margo." "There are a thousand Piranha Women in this temple." "You haven't got a chance." "You let my friends go, or I'll shoot you first." "Go ahead." "Fire on a fellow feminist." "Fire on a fellow anthropologist." "You may not personally agree with my tactics, but you know my only goal is to help the Piranha Women maintain their cultural heritage." "Go ahead and shoot." "Shoot her!" "Do it!" "Give the woman what she wants!" "It will take some time to make the preparations for your initiation into the tribe of Piranha Women." "I will give you until tomorrow morning to make your decision." "If you agree to join us, you will sacrifice your first man." "If you do not agree, you will be thrown into the piranha pit, and you will die." "Painfully." "Take her." "Take the airhead, too." "Jim!" "Bunny, don't worry." "You'll save me!" "Hi." "Hey, I hope you know that crack about shooting you was just a joke." "That's me, always with a..." "Nonstop, the whole trip." "I'm..." "Have they told you how great you look in that dress, because that's..." "See, it's feminine, and feminist, which is my cause." "Really, feminism." "I thought Geraldine Ferraro, for example, creamed Bush in that debate." "She..." "You're gonna cook up real good." "Put him with the rest of the men." "Tomorrow, we eat him." "You know, I've got a subscription to Ms." "I'm gonna be in with your lunch meat, huh?" "Those guys must be bigger wimps than the Donnahews." "All right, I'm going, I'm go..." "Oh!" "Can I interject one thing?" "Now, I'm not saying this just to save my hide, but talking strictly nutritional requirements, if you girls are eating only men, you cannot possibly be getting everything you need from the four basic food groups." "(THUDDING)" "Gee!" "You guys are pretty big for wimps!" "Of course, the joke's on you when those broads come back and start picking out ingredients for chicken McMacho." "Anybody got a smoke?" "I brought you some food." "Who are you?" "I'm Jean-Pierre, your sacrifice for tomorrow." "It is traditional in the tribe of the Piranha Women for the sacrificee to serve his mistress the night before the ceremony." "And you speak English?" "Some." "I learned it from listening to Dr. Kurtz." "Well, you must be very smart to have picked it up so quickly without any formal training." "Alas, intelligence in males is not valued bythe Piranha Women." "Only muscle tissue." "Well, you certainly have plenty of that." "They force us to work out with weights." "It makes the meat more flavorful." "Please, eat." "Oh, thank you." "I am hungry." "Mm!" "Very good." "I'm glad." "He was a friend of mine." "Jacques." "This stuff is really good." "Chew but tasty." "Kind of like lean pork." "What is it?" "Jacques." "Is that one of those beef substitutes?" "Huh?" "Whatever it is, it sure is good." "You work out on a Nautilus?" "Got any more dip?" "(SPEAKING FRENCH)" "I'd like to speak to Jean-Pierre." "Where is Jean-Pierre?" "Oh, he's a friendof yours, huh?" "Well, don't worry, I won't kill him." "God knows I won't eat him." "There's your sacrifice." "If you wish to become a Piranha Woman, you must first take his body, and then his life." "What is your decision?" "I refuse to kill another human being in cold blood." "However, in deference to your cultural traditions," "I would be willing to have sex with him." "Forget it." "If you want your cake, you'll have to eat it." "If you do not use this dagger to draw his blood, I will have you thrown into the piranha pit." "I won't join your tribe, and I appeal to you as a member of the National Academy of Sciences, to release me and my friends and allow us to go on our way." "No!" "I want to be a Piranha Woman." "Bunny, what are you saying?" "I want to be a Piranha Woman." "Bunny, dammit, I knew I shouldn't have brought you." "You haven't had enough women's studies core classes." "You're being seduced by the simplicity of the Piranha Women's philosophy." "No I haven't!" "I just want one of those cute outfits." "Bunny, listen to me." "Silence her." "Are you sure you want to become a Piranha Woman?" "Yes." "Are you willing to partake in the blood sacrifice initiation?" "Well, if you mean to have sex with a guy and then kill him, sure." "I'll try it." "I've done weirder things at frat parties." "Then I will allow you to become a Piranha Woman, on one condition." "He shall be your sacrifice." "Well, now you've gone too far, Dr. Kurtz." "I happen to be a pretty good judge of human nature, and as far as our Bunny goes, well, the poor kid happens to be nuts about me." "She would never..." "BUNNY:" "Sure, I'll kill him." "Prepare them both for sacrifice." "Tootles." "What?" "Just do it." "(YELLING)" "The sacrifice has escaped!" "Kill him!" "Quick, this way." "Stop them!" "Kill them!" "Jump!" "I can fight them off from here." "Oh, no." "You're coming with me." "No, it's more important that you escape." "Jean-Pierre, will you stop being a sacrifice?" "Now, come with me." "Jean-Pierre!" "Jean-Pierre!" "Jean-Pierre." "Dammit, the first decent guy I... (ARROWS WHIZZING)" "So, this is why Piranha Women have red hair, huh?" "Huh?" "Hm." "Gee, I hope this dye isn't going to make my hair frizz." "Do you have any conditioner for that?" "You know, actually, I was thinking maybe we could go a little shorter this time in the cut if that's okay with you." "Or maybe, if we keep it red, I should just keep it long, because then I'll look like Tiffany, and actually I was thinking about taking up singing, so..." "Hey, have I told you girls how terrific you look?" "Great loins." "Hey, what are you doing?" "Hey, wait, whoa, whoa!" "Can I say one thing?" "One thing." "I'd rather have you kill me than make me a gelding." "We had a dog once that we fixed, and he was just never happy." "Hey, can't we be reasonable about this?" "I mean, we're all people here, Piranhas, non-Piranhas." "Hey!" "What's this?" "A little hot tub action, huh?" "Maybe I misjudged you girls." "I think I might actually like this place." "Oh, yeah!" "That's nice." "Hey, you know, you're not such bad young ladies after all." "Probably just had a rough childhood, right?" "Smoked a lot of pot in high school, parents were divorced, that kind of thing?" "Oh, yeah." "Oh, that's good." "A little lower." "A little lower." "That's the spot." "Now make circles." "(LAUGHING) Just kidding." "I see at least a couple of you girls know how to treat a man around this crazy temple." "You know, a lot of you Piranha gals, you probably just never met the right guy." "And I bet you you're terrific cooks." "Something around heresmells fabulous!" "I think it's this bath water." "This would make a hearty soup base, wouldn't it?" "Hey!" "What's up, Doc?" "What goes..." "Hey!" "What..." "Oh, my God, you're marinating me!" "Hey!" "Let me out!" "We are the Barracuda Women." "We are the sworn enemies ofthe Piranha Women." "If you are escaping from them, you must be our friend." "Thousands of years ago, the Piranha Women and the Barracuda women were as one." "But we split over ideological differences." "What were they?" "The Piranha Women believe that men should be slaughtered and eaten with guacamole dip." "And you think that's wrong?" "Yes!" "We believe they should be eaten with clam dip." "That's it?" "Clam dip?" "It's a fundamental principle." "You people have been divided for thousands of years because of a kind of dip?" "Oh, that really makes me mad!" "Why is it women always argue over such petty differences?" "It's no wonder we couldn't get the ERA passed." "Men can always seem to agree on football and beer." "Well, that's it!" "We are going back to the Piranha Women's temple." "The women of this jungle must unite." "And I'm going to settle a score with a certain renegade ethnographer." "I think I'm going to like being a Piranha Woman." "What you do, is you set up a joint committee consisting of equal numbers of" "Piranha Women and Barracuda Women, you meet biweekly, air any differences that might arise, and it's really that simple." "So, what we'll do, is we'll organize a..." "Onward, women!" "(SPEAKING A FOREIGN LANGUAGE)" "Come on, move it!" "Kurtz's field notes." "It's an outline for a book!" "Okay, let's see." "So, she's going to make love to me, that's good." "Then she's going to kill me and eat me." "That's bad." "Why can't I ever have a completely good day?" "Here, Bunny." "Drink of the elixir of the Piranha Women." "Let the sacrifice begin!" "Bunny, please!" "Put away that knife." "You don't know what you're doing." "This whole crazy jungle's got you all mixed up." "I know what I'm doing." "I want to become a Piranha Woman." "JIM:" "Oh, my God." "Your eyes!" "That strange elixir of the Piranha Women has changed the color of your eyes!" "No, it hasn't." "Green contacts, stupid." "Now, shut up while I sacrifice you." "Sorry I have to kill you." "I really did think you were kind of cute." "Bunny, please don't." "Please don't kill me." "I have to." "What did Margo say?" "Oh, yeah." "The song." "(SINGING)" "The song." "Bolero..." "Kill him." "Now!" "Kill him!" "I can't." "Do it!" "I can't." "I love him." "Throw them both in the piranha pit." "I'll be a bit." "That water really is gonna stain this outfit." "DR. HUNT:" "Wait!" "What now?" "According to the traditions of the Piranha Women," "I challenge the Empress of The Avocado Jungle to a battle for the right to the throne." "That is your right, but I warn you, Margo, you haven't got a chance." "We'll see." "You handle yourself fairly well." "I studied ancient weaponry at Berkeley." "Professor Harris?" "No, Professor Johnson." "Really?" "I had Professor Johnson at Stanford." "Enough preliminaries." "Why don't you tell the Piranha Women the real reason you became their leader." "What are you talking about?" "I found your study." "I read your notes." "The outline for your book?" "You don't care about the Piranha Women." "You just want to write a book about your experiences." "That's not true." "My Life as a Piranha Woman by Francine Kurtz?" "Catchy." "It should make the best-seller list." "They media hype from your last book was fading." "You needed something new to get back on the talk-show circuit." "Isn't that right?" "Well, what better than an expose on the Piranha Women's lives?" "Think Margo will win?" "Yeah." "Do you have any of those red licorice ropes?" "Sure, in my backpack." "Why?" "We'll discuss it later." "You were going to exploit their culture and traditions for a cheap paperback potboiler." "A kiss, sacrifice and tell book." "All right." "Anybody want to get action on Margo?" "The point spread is three against Dr. Kurtz." "Huh?" "Anybody in on this?" "Sh!" "Chicks..." "It's true." "I was planning a book." "But it was going to be a scholarly work." "Oh, hardly, Kurtz!" "You've spent too much time in the jungle." "You've become a primitive yourself." "I read your notes." "Your field methodology is sloppy, your conclusion's shaky, even Sher Height couldn't get awaywith the generalizations you make in your outline." "You're no better than the chauvinists who sent us here." "You'd exploit the Piranha Women for your own aggrandizement." "You don't understand." "I had..." "Francine, the pool." "Watch it." "Stay back!" "You don't understand." "I had to do it." "I'd been on the talk-show circuit for six months." "The token feminist." "The butt of every bra-burning joke." "You don't know what it's like trying to face David Letterman with a book on male insensitivity." "I needed something more." "I thought, "Piranha Women." "Cannibalism."" "Who could laugh at me then?" "Oh, Francine..." "Stay back!" "You're right." "I was exploiting the Piranha Women." "You don't know what it was like." "David Letterman, the horror!" "The horror of that show!" "The horror!" "Francine!" "You're very wise, Dr. Hunt." "Now all the women of the jungle shall be united." "Well, now that you are united, you may want to reconsider your relationships with the men in your tribe." "There are other ways of relating to them besidesas foodstuffs." "We shall consider what you have said and discuss it at our biweekly committee meetings." "Farewell." "May you make it safely home." "Bye!" "Yeah, keep in touch." "Okay, here you go." "Where's my gun?" "Oh, the gun." "Um..." "Hey, let me carry the gun." "Just to the edge of the jungle." "Come on." "I mean, you drove and everything." "Let me carry the gun." "You know, all the Piranhachicks are watching..." "I should carry the gun." "Thanks." "Hey, it's not loaded, is it?" "(GUNSHOT)" "MADDOX:" "After the medical checkup with the Valium prescriptions, there will be tea with Nancy Reagan." "Day 2, we will start out with a seminar by Fawn Hall on office relations." "I love it!" "Then comes the political orientation." "Yeah, we got Billy Shlafleyon standby." "Hopefully, it won't be long before Miss Hunt roundsthese girls up." "Ford, I gotta hand it to you." "Using a feminist to dupe a bunch of feminists." "Well, women aren't that smart." "Women!" "Hey, how's your wife?" "It's over." "Oh." "(GATE SLAMMING)" "Dr. Hunt!" "How long have you been standing there?" "You didn't hear..." "Anything that I didn't already know." "Francine told me all about your dirty little plan." "Kurtz?" "Then you found her?" "David Letterman keeps calling, but we don't know what to tell him." "I'm afraid Dr. Kurtz won't be doing any more talk shows." "She's dead." "Dead?" "How?" "She died trying to protect the cultural heritage of a primitive society." "MADDOX:" "Not so fast, professor." "We're not finished with you yet." "Your university..." "Nothing's going to happen to my university." "Except that the Defense Department will provide a generous grant to feminist studies for research on expanding women's opportunities in the military." "You are mad!" "Otherwise, I go on the David Letterman Show myself and tell him about the Marines, and the millions of dollars of equipment lost in The Avocado Jungle." "Not to mention the diversion of funds to pay for Malibu condos and subscriptions to Cosmopolitan." "I can just imagine the sarcastic look on David's face when he..." "You wouldn't." "Don't tempt me." "Women." "(KNOCKING)" "Dr. Hunt, I've got to talk to you." "Bunny, what's going on?" "I'm getting married to Jim in ten minutes, but" "I don't know." "Do you think I'm doing the right thing?" "Well..." "I mean, which would be better?" "Getting married, being a housewife, and having a bunch of kids and getting old and fat, or... finish school and become the first woman president?" "Well, Bunny, that's a strictly personal decision." "Well, I'd rather just be a housewife, but" "I just don't want to disappoint you after all you've taught me about..." "Bunny, Bunny!" "You don't have to live your life to please me." "The important thing is that you're happy." "And, as for what I've taught you, well..." "Listen, I've always believed that every woman should get as much education and intellectual stimulation as possible." "And that she should develop her mental abilities to their utmost potential." "But, in your case, well, there's just no point." "Really?" "Then I should marry him." "If that's what you want, yes." "I take it we haveyour blessing?" "Don't push it." "Thank you." "Then I will marry Jim." "But I just feel so sorry for you." "I'm going to be leaving youhere all alone, and you'regoing to be losing one of your best students." "Oh, who?" "Me!" "(LAUGHING) Oh!" "Well, don't worry, Bunny." "There'll be other students." "Well, this is it, Miss Hunt." "Bye!" "I'll call you." "Collect." "Goodbye!" "Thanks for everything!" "Bye." "(KNOCKING)" "Oh, Jean-Pierre!" "Good to see you!" "Did you get all the classes you wanted?" "Yes, I got all the courses you told me to take." "Introduction to Feminism, Understanding Human Relationships, and" "The Sensitive Male." "I want to thank you so much for helping me, Dr. Hunt." "Oh, my pleasure." "Call me Margo." "*"