"Jane, this brunch is amazing." "Oh, please, I was just reading some cooking blogs and got a little epicurious and decided to just, you know, throw together whatever looked fun." "Candied walnuts?" "These are fantastic." "Did you make them yourself?" "Couldn't have been easier." "You crack them, hull them, toast them, brush them with a little olive oil, then rub them with cayenne pepper, some turmeric, and cinnamon sugar and put them in the oven for a quick roast, flipping them every five minutes" "for an hour and a half." "Are you crying?" "A little bit." "I am just so tired." "Guys, I hate to be the girl that, like, makes every conversation about her, but let's be honest" "You are." "Yeah, I am." "I'm going on a blind date tonight with the most a-mah-zing-sounding guy, Roger." "Are people still named Roger?" "You gotta cancel it." "You have a date tonight with me." "My parents are in town." "You're my girlfriend of three years." "Oh, my God, I forgot they were coming, I'm so sorry, I can't be your beard." "You're telling me that one single date with some stranger is more important than what we fake have?" "Yeah." "And honestly, I'm sick of being your beard." "For someone who behaves nothing like a gay guy, you have even less of an idea how to act like a straight guy." "How about these things, huh?" "Can't get enough of these, am I right?" "Yeah." "Ha, ha." "And then you followed it with" ""And don't even get me started with what's going on down there."" "What am I gonna do?" "Maybe you should come out." "Ugh, coming out is so gay." "And why should I?" "My parents only visit once every two years." "Hey, wait, I can be your beard, but I wanna be named Larissa and I'm a sculptress." "Jane, will you do it?" "Why me?" "Why not me?" "Please, you're my only hope. I just offered." "Jane, there is no one else that could do this." "Wait, can nobody hear me?" "Am I a ghost?" "Yes. lt's nothing personal." "I just personally feel that Jane would be better at it." "How is that not personal?" "It's true, I'd be an awesome beard." "Parents love me." "You'll do it?" "No." "It's time for you to come out." "Jane's right." "Look, I hear you guys." "Alex, will you do it?" "No." "I offered three times and you insulted me to my face." "That's only because I thought I had someone better." "Ugh." "I mean, uh, ugh." "So I don't know where l'm gonna find a perfect girl to play a beard by 7:00." "Hey, I got a crazy thought." "Put you in a dress and lipstick, like sexy Bugs Bunny?" "Idiot, come out to your parents." "It won't be that bad, they're sweet liberal Jews." "how they're gonna react." "Second of all, they're obsessed with grandkids." "How bad are they gonna freak when I tell them I can't have kids?" "You could still have kids." "Ugh, I don't want kids." "Max, these are just excuses, all right?" "I know it's hard, but come on." "You should tell them tonight." "I'll come with you for moral support." "You'd do that for me?" "Of course, because I love you." "Plus you know my dad's gonna pay for dinner." "Yeah. I'm gonna get two apps and probably a steak." "Yeah, crab mashed potatoes." "Love me some crab mashes!" "Unbelievable. I spent three hours and nobody even noticed the homemade napkin rings made from rick-rack." "I noticed." "Really?" "Can you point them?" "Why you gotta do that?" "Ugh, was it wrong that I didn't wanna be Max's beard?" "I just think he'd be so much happier if he were honest with his parents." "Yeah, totally." "Just curious, didn't it take you, like, six months before you told your parents you were living with a black guy?" "That had nothing to do with race." "My parents don't see color, they just see sleeping with their daughter." "Oh, I sleep the sleep out of that." "I know you do." "Ha, ha." "Anyway, I just needed to tell them in my own time." "As opposed to Max, who has to tell his parents he's gay tonight because his straight friends think he should." "No, that is totally different." "How?" "Why you gotta do that?" "Excuse me, are you Sarah?" "No, oh, and I'm guessing you're not Roger." "is it too late to say that I am?" "is it too early to say, "How do you like your eggs?"" "I'm sorry." "Uh, when I get nervous I turn into Blanche from the Golden Girls." "I'm a Sophia man, myself." "Oh." "I'm Doug." "Hi, Penny." "Uh, so you're waiting for a blind date, too?" "I was, but I've been here a half an hour." "I think I've been stood up." "Penny?" "Penny Hartz?" "Penny Hartz?" "Penny Hartz?" "And it looks like I've been stood up too, so..." "Wanna give him another minute?" "I'm good." "You sure?" "Yeah." "Okay." "You want a drink?" "Yes, please." "All right." "Oh, Max." "Maxie." "Hey, Max." "We're here." "Over here." "We're here." "You see us?" "Nope, they're not here." "Let's go." "Hey, it's gonna be all right." "Now man up and tell them you like dudes." "Get over here now." "Hey, Mom." "Hello, sweetheart." "Hey." "Hi, honey." "Are you warm enough?" "Yes, I'm warm enough." "Hi, Dad." "Oh, and Dave, too." "How are you?" "Mwah." "Dave, this is such a nice surprise." "Where's Penny?" "We were so excited to see her." "Oh, she couldn't make it." "Why?" "She's busy." "They broke up." "Well, which is it?" "Busy?" "Broke up?" "Ooh, you know, breakups are a bit of a hot button issue for this guy." "Dave, honey, do you wanna talk about it?" "Max is the one who-- From what Max has told us, that Alex girl leaving you, that was the best thing that could have happened." "That's what I've been saying." "Now you're free to be who you are." "Exactly." "And find happiness with men." "Yes!" "Wait, what's that with the men thing?" "Could you give us a quick second?" "I'm gonna order one more drink." "Quick sidebar, my parents think you're gay." "What?" "Like, super-gay." "Why?" "Maybe the Ellen haircut." "In college my parents saw my porn underneath my mattress and I panicked. I said it was yours." "Why would my porn be under your mattress?" "I panicked again and I said that you used to lie in my bed and were obsessed with me." "You are not good under pressure." "Don't you think I know that?" "We are clearing this up once and for all." "Howard, Pauline, Max has something he's been meaning to tell you for a long, long time." "Uh..." "This is, uh, kinda tough to say, but, um, Dave's gay." "Well, honey, we knew that." "Yeah, it's pretty obvious." "Max?" "All right." "The reason I'm not dating Penny anymore is because I am, um," "Hey, Boo." "So sorry I'm late." "Hi." "Hi." "I'm dating Jane now." "Ah." "Mm." "Hmm, get a load of these, huh?" "I love lady parts." "Oh, do you?" "Yes." "I can't believe we just met." "You're so easy to talk to." "You, too." "Usually on first dates I feel so much pressure to pretend I read." "I know, I hate reading." "Ugh." "Oh." "Uh, no, let me get this." "So sweet." "Penny?" "Penny Hartz?" "Penny?" "Hey, can I take you to dinner tomorrow night?" "This bar is fine for a blind date, but you deserve to be taken somewhere exceptional." "Wow, how are you still single?" "I could ask the same thing about you." "Excuse me for a second." "Ooh, a black card." "Are you enjoying your reward points, Mr. Hitler?" "Mom, Dad, I'm so happy you get to meet my new girlfriend." "And, honey, so glad you got to make it." "I am gonna grab a chair." "I'll help you with that chair." "So?" "Jane, you don't wanna help with your chair?" "I do." "That must be quite a chair." "Yeah." "What are you doing here?" "I thought we agreed" "Max was gonna come out tonight?" "I thought about it, and I decided it is not up to us to push him if he is not ready." "Oh, so you're gonna let him live a lie?" "That sucks." "You don't talk to my girlfriend like that." "Listen, Jane, if you're gonna do this, there's a lot of back story that you need to know." "Don't worry, I am gonna crush this." "I am parent heroin, okay?" "Ha, ha." "Pauline, Howard, it is so great to finally meet you." "I have an awesome weekend planned." "Pauline, tomorrow morning, you, me, outlet malls, and then at noon, Howard and I are gonna tee off, bring your wallet, because I am not gonna go easy on you." "Really?" "That is so great." "You're not too busy?" "No, I would do anything for the two people who made this guy possible." "Right, honey?" "Ha, ha." "Yeah." "Come here." "Come here." "What?" "Dave, don't be jealous." "You'll meet your knight in shining armor." "I'm not jealous, because I'm not gay." "Okay, two scotches, and here's your daiquiri." "Really, guy?" "That's your timing?" "Interesting name, "Heitler." "" lt's "Hitler."" "Oh, it's not pronounced Heitler." "No." "Could it be?" "Uh, this always happens." "Whenever girls hear my name, all they can think is, is he related to that Hitler, heh." "I'm not thinking that." "Oh." "Are you?" "No, of course not." "There's no relation at all." "And your family never considered changing their name?" "Okay, here it is, the American Hitlers came to this country 200 years ago." "We were regular, solid citizens." "My cousin, Ron Hitler, owns the second-largest mattress chain in the Midwest." "Oh, does he sell a lot of mein comforters?" "Ha, ha." "That's good." "Look, you seem great and I swear I am normal." "So can we go back to when you were just Penny and I was just Doug, a guy hoping that you would have dinner with him tomorrow night?" "Yes, yes, I would love to have dinner with you, Doug Hi..." "Doug." "Takes some getting used to, huh?" "Yes." "Yes, it does." "So, they loved me." "Knew they would." "I mean, I'm not surprised." "I was funny, warm, affectionate." "That's great, babe." "How affectionate?" "Oh, we held hands, some light nuzzling, kissed once or twice." "You kissed Max?" "Well, I had to sell it." "I mean, I was on fire." "I worked in some Yiddish, a little golf talk." "Ha, ha." "Was there tongue?" "Why are you being so weird about this?" "He's gay." "is he, now?" "Seems convenient." "is this really bothering you?" "No, I'm not really jealous." "Ha, ha." "I know I'm your only Boo-Boo." "Oh." "Hey, Boo. it's Max." "So?" "You nailed it." "Yes, I knew it, I knew it." "I'm parent heroin." "They have got a Jane addiction, and it's bad." "I'm talking shaking at a bus stop willing to do downstairs stuff for a nickel bag of me bad." "Ha, ha." "So should I pick your mom up at 9:00 tomorrow, or" "That's kinda what I was calling about." "My dad has this business thing that came up, and they're on, like, a 6:00 a.m. flight." "Oh, well, that's too bad." "Yeah, they're bummed." "But Operation Beard was a huge success." "I owe you big-time. lf you ever want to get into a country club, and you're looking for, like, a fake white husband, I'm your guy." "They're leaving early." "God, I was so looking forward to hanging out with them." "No." "Feels dirty now." "I had the weirdest date last night." "I made out with Max in front of his parents last night, so you might not wanna play weird date poker with me." "You decided to go?" "How was it?" "Nailed it." "They loved me." "They had to leave early but Max said they were devastated they didn't get to spend more time with me." "Really?" "Because they look like they're doing okay to me." "Hello, Max." "I'm sorry, did I startle you?" "You're not sorry." "You're sitting alone in my apartment in the dark." "Pretty sure you meant to do that." "I just wanted to come by, make sure your parents got off okay." "Yeah, it's great, fine." "You sure?" "No long lines at the terminal?" "No delays?" "No, smooth, you know." "Oh, good." "Good, good, good, because there can be such a long wait for a table at Emma's." "Yeah, since their review came out, you know..." "All right, fine." "They're still here." "They're not leaving till tonight." "Why did you tell me they were leaving?" "They loved me." "Hmm." "They didn't love me?" "Ugh." "But I killed." "I don't think you understand what "killed" means in this context." "So the other night, Maxie and I got in our first fight, and I tried to stay mad at him, but look at this punum." "How could you stay mad at this punum?" "How could you?" "Oh, give me this punum." "Oh." "But you know, you know, since he gets it from this guy, huh?" "Mm, look at you." "Oh, this shiksa's gotta pish." "She's even learning Yiddish." "Boy, she's a keeper." "Yes, I am. I know, I know." "God, I can't stand that woman." "What?" "I thought you liked her?" "What did you think we liked?" "The bizarre amount of time she French-kissed you in public?" "Or her continuous use of Yiddish?" "It's bordering on the anti-Semitic." " That girl is so" " Hey." "Hey." "We're gonna have to put a bell on you." "Oh, ding, ding, ding." "Come here." "But I thought I was doing you a mitzvah." "Enough with the Yiddish." "Okay, this one or this one?" "You know what?" "I think you should wear pants." "It'll give you more freedom to goosestep." "I can't find that funny." "Oh, come on." "I wikied World War ll just for this conversation." "So what are you and Hitler gonna do tonight?" "Movie, dinner, invade Poland?" "Are you done?" "I got one more, I hope he's Mr. Reich." "Glad we waited for that one." "Right?" "Do you think I'm crazy, going out with him?" "I mean, if we got married, okay, this is my future," "Penny Hitler, Doug and Penny Hitler." "Mr. and Mrs. Douglas Hitler." "Ooh, the "Douglas" helps a little." "Why don't you just keep Penny Hartz, or you can hyphenate it." "Penny Hartz-Hitler." "Yeah, that's a winner." "If this guy's last name is the worst thing about him, that's not so bad. I mean, he sounds like a pretty great guy." "You're right." "You are right." "What does a name even matter?" "I mean, who cares, right?" "I dated that Turkish guy, Ahneed Jirnutz." "Oh, I liked AJ." "What went wrong with that?" "Hey, Max. ls this Alex, or is this Larissa the sculptress with the sultry voice?" "What happened to Jane?" "She tanked, you were right." "Please, Al, I really need your help on this." "That's all I needed to hear." "Just give me the deets, and Larissa is on her way." "Eight-thirty?" "Okay." "Thank you so much." "Oh, uh, uh, could you do me a favor?" "Go easy on the Jewish stuff?" "Jane tried it, not well-received." "Got it." "I am gonna be Max's beard." "So weird you wanna do that." "Have fun with Hitler tonight." "Make sure he doesn't get in your Panzer." "What?" "Boom!" "Dude, why do you need another beard?" "Your parents already think you're straight." "Yeah, my mom is Jewish." "If I don't find a girl that she likes, soon she's gonna start setting me up with all her friends' fun single daughters." "Then why not just come out?" "I mean, your parents are cool with me being gay." "Your dad can't stop telling me how much he loves Mamma Mia." "Well, you're not their son, okay?" "They're here for four more hours." "It's easier this way." "Really?" "Because it seems like a lot of work." "Work?" "You ever been on a six-hour architectural tour with Miriam Schechter's daughter, Chuchel?" "Chuchel Schechter's Jewish?" "Only in the face." "How could they not like me?" "I like you, and that's all that matters." "I know what happened." "Here we go." "I tried too hard." "Probably came off a little needy." "I should go over there and show them easy, breezy Jane." "There's an easy, breezy Jane?" "Ha, ha." "Should I wear pearls?" "Don't do this." "You're right, you're right, no pearls, keep it simple." "Babe, you did your job, his parents think he's straight." "Don't go over there. lt's not about you." "You're right, it's not about me." "Now let's go upstairs." "Why don't you lose all of that." "Whoa." "And let's make it all about you." "Okay." "Ha, ha." "Make it all about me." "What time is it?" "Sex o'clock." "Damn it." "Jane?" "Don't do" "Hi." "Hey, come on in." "Thank you." "Wow, you look great." "Oh, thank you." "So, Penny, I am really glad you decided to go out with me." "Me, too. lt was silly." "I really, honestly, I don't have a problem with your name." "In fact, I kinda like it, Doug Hitler." "I'm gonna go grab my bag, because I'm going on a date with Hitler." "Sound good to you, Hitler?" "Uh, sure." "Mm, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler." "So I made us a reservation at this cute little, uh... ls something wrong?" "What's this?" "Uh, eh, nothing." "Are you obsessed with me or something?" "What?" "No, uh-uh." "No, no, no, I was just testing it out, to see if I could get on board with your name." "Oh, well, you seem a little too on board with it." "I was trying to imagine how it would be in the future." "After one drink." "Um..." "Oh, I see what this is." "You're one of those Hitler freaks and I'm the ultimate piece of memorabilia." "Ha, ha." "Wait, what?" "You weirdoes always find me." "So you wanna take me to some rally?" "Show me off or something?" "No, okay, this is not what it looks like, honestly." "Can we start fresh?" "Eeh." "Now that's gonna be hard to explain." "Yeah." "Huh." "Where is Alex?" "She's, like, 20 minutes late." "It's better this way." "Now this dinner can be about you coming out and me coming in." "Max, I want to talk to you a minute." "So, Maxie, honey, I know that technically you're still with Jane, but Barry Schkolnick's niece, Carrie Schkolnick, just graduated Brandeis, and is looking for someone to show her around." "Just as friends, but who knows?" "Oh, thanks, Dave." "Your next daiquiri is on me." "Thanks." "Stop that." "Max, don't you have something you wanna tell them?" "Uh, yeah, I do have something to tell you." "Pauline, Howard, you need to give me a second chance." "You gotta give Jane a second chance." "I'm in love with her." " Max" " Jane, you're only gonna make things" " Dude, what the freak, man?" "Stop sucking my wife's face." "You're married?" "How could you?" "Who is this man?" "Max." "All right, I'm not in love with Jane." "That was a lie." "But the truth is, it's..." "It's kinda hard to say." "Why, sweetie, what could be so hard?" "Hey, guys, babe, I am sorry I'm late." "I had problems sculptressing." "This is my new girlfriend." "Max!" "You called Alex?" "Who's Alex?" "I'm Larissa." "Alex?" "This is Alex?" "The Alex who left you?" "Yes." "So you're cheating on your married girlfriend with your best friend's ex-fianc#?" "That's why she left him?" " Well, and also because he's gay." " Oh, this is so strange." "You know, Max, you should have stayed with that Penny." " She was a nice, normal girl." " Hey, guys, guess what?" "I finally decide I'm into Hitler, and it turns out I'm too much of a Nazi for him." "What?" "Oh, hey, Mr. and Mrs. Blum." "Two sluts and a Nazi?" "What are you into, Max?" "Uh, dudes." "I'm into guys." "What did he say?" "I'm gay." "You're..." "Heh, you're gay?" "Oh." "Yeah, I wanted to tell you sooner." "I just..." "I didn't know how you were gonna react, and I was scared." "So, you're not dating any of these women?" "I'm not, no." "Oh, thank God." "What a relief." " What a relief." " Thank God." "Okay." "What?" "You're not upset?" "Sweetheart, you never need to be scared to tell us anything." "What matters to us is that you're happy and that you're surrounded by people who love you." "And I love you, Max, I'm so sorry I was such a terrible beard." "I'm not gonna lie, you sucked." "But you did get me here, so thank you." "Come here, tataleh." "Oh" "Not you." "Right." "You." "Ugh." " Aw." " Oh." "Oh." "Yay." "I told you coming out would be gay." "Oh, you know who's gay is Rhoda Kaplan's son, and he owns a discotheque." "Oh, and Irma Schaefer's son just came out." "He has three kids." "Howie, we'd have grandchildren." "Actually, he's spoken for." "I knew it." "Aw." "I appreciate what you're doing, but you're not my type." "Aw." "Hmm." "So we reviewed your application." "It seems like you're perfect for Glen Oaks Country Club," "Mr. and Mrs. Williams." "Please, call me Bradford, and call her intellectually inferior," " am I right?" " That's funny." "Ha, ha." "Uh, Bradford, your application says you like to sail." "I don't like it, sir, I love it." "Mm." "The sea breeze flowing through my chest hair?" "All right." "Way my bare feet feel on the deck?" "Mm-hm." "The seagulls whizzing by and speaking to one another their bird language." "Getting the picture." "Caw!" "Caw you!" "Caw you, girl!" "Mm, audio." "So tell me, what marina do you dock in?" "Um, well, the..." "Honey, the..." "There's the" " The Dennis Marina." "De-nis." "That was founded by Dennis Franz, actually, in a weird twist." "Wow." "Get a load of these, huh?" "Oh, here we go." "Ha-ha-ha, there they are." "So, ahem, you'll keep us on file?"