"Will he be up by tomorrow?" "He's best man at my wedding." "There's no chance of that." "I'm well and truly stuffed." "There's one person you haven't mentioned." "(Tyres screech)" " This is Dom, my new best man." " You better believe it." "I would be willing to be head of security for the wedding." "How come you never got married, Fraser?" "Not every soldier who doesn't get married is a poofter!" "Cassie Turner, she's been stalking me all week." " Will you be OK for tomorrow, Vicar?" " Aargh!" " I think he might have broken his foot." " (Trish moaning)" " I'm Ron, Howard's old man." " I'm Trish." "I prefer lap to pole." "Come on, then, scaredy-cat!" "Woo-ooh!" "(Heart monitor beeping)" " Oh, shit." " Good morning to you, too." "It's bad luck for the bride and groom to meet before the ceremony." "Yeah, cos we've had really good luck so far." "Yeah." "How is Granny?" "Mum and Dad have been at the hospital all night." "She's still unconscious, but her condition is stable." " And the wedding's still on?" " Yes." "Good." "Here we are then." "The big day." "Yeah." " The big commitment." " Uh-huh." "The big jump into the unknown." " Yeah." " The big..." " Howard..." " Sorry." " Well, see you later then." " At the church." "That's a good place." "Oh." "Morning, Fraser." "There doesn't seem to be any cereal." "Weetabix has all gone." "I need something for the butterflies in the tummy." "Uh..." "Look, Fraser, when I said yesterday about you being a man's man," "I didn't mean to imply that you were a man's man." "I meant you're a man's man." "Of course you're not." "You were a lieutenant colonel in the SAS." "The idea is preposterous." "How did you know?" " What?" " I've had these feelings for years." "I've lived with them day and night, and I've tried to keep them hidden." "Do you know what it's like to live a lie?" "The shame!" "Oh, it's enough to make you want to end it all." " I might make a sandwich." " It started in Rhodesia." "We had a chap in the company, Corporal Bevan, his name was." "Can't have been more than 20." "Pretty, girlish face but with muscles." "Would you like a sandwich?" "Got bitten by a scorpion in the jungle, when he was asleep." "I had to suck the poison out of his thigh." " There's ham." " The sweet, sweaty smell of his flesh..." "Or tongue." " It was rising up amid this strange feeling of desire." "I think I'll go for the ham." "Don't tell anyone, Steel, please." "Promise you won't tell anyone?" " I won't." " Thank you." "What?" "We're two hours behind." "I should have been blow-dried by Sonia by now." "Morning, Howard." "And where are the florists?" "I don't see the florists." "Any developments on Granny?" " She's still comatose." " Oh, good." "Sorry, that didn't come out quite right." "It's just that we all thought she might be dead, so... comatose is quite good, isn't it?" "Did I... do any other damage?" "Her sternum has penetrated her lung." "Oh, God..." "Her clavicle is cracked." "I see..." " She's broken two ribs." " Uh-huh." "Her duodenum is ruptured." "Her spleen is bleeding internally." "She has contusions on her chest from being stood on by size nine feet." " Apart from that she's OK?" " She's breathing." "Just." "Oh, well." "That's something." "Sonia's done a lovely job with Mel's hair." "The video man's got it all on film." "I've told him to concentrate on Mel until we are dressed." "What happened to your suit?" "I must have picked up the wrong one." "I'm going to ask Eve to sort me out another one." "You've done a great job there, Dick." "That wall's looking good." "You might want to get changed yourself, Dick." "Er... we've got to be at the church in two hours." "I'm not going anywhere." "What?" "You've groped my wife, you've killed our dog, and now you've hospitalised my mother." "The wedding's off." " What?" "!" " I'm not giving you away to the man who killed my mother." " I didn't kill her!" " Howard's right." "She's not dead." "I'm not getting into a semantic discussion." "The fact is, she's in intensive care, and it's due to him!" "I know it's upsetting, but Granny would want the wedding to go on." "You know that?" "What a shame we can't ask her, because she's unconscious." "Dick, we have to have the wedding." "There's 150 turbots in filo pastry." "They have to be eaten up." "We can't just leave them." "Come on, Dick." "Look, we've come this far." "If you think I'll stand up in front of my friends and family and say how wonderful Howard is and how proud I am to have him as my son-in-law when my mother is in hospital on a life-support machine" "because he tap-danced all over her chest then you've got another think coming!" " Think of the turbots!" " Angela, he's a bloody murderer!" "I'm not a murderer!" "She's alive!" "Technically, it would be manslaughter." "You should know, you're a judge." "Those turbots won't keep and my chest freezer's full!" "Dad, you can't cancel the wedding." "I'm not turning up at the church!" "The meringues, OK, but the turbots..." "Angela, shut up about the turbots!" "What are you doing?" " Oh, is this not a good time?" " No, it's not!" "Right." "It's just I was told to follow you around, not miss a thing." "Couldn't you film the marquee," " or something?" " Fine." "I'll just..." "Look, Dick, it's been a stressful week for all of us." "You're tired, fed up, I understand that." "What you need is a nice cup of tea." "I don't want a cup of tea." "I don't want anything from you." "I don't want you as my son-in-law." " Oh, God!" " Mel!" "Dick!" "Oh..." "Mel..." "Mel?" "Mel!" "Mel!" "Mel..." " Mel!" " Mrs Cook, can I have a word?" "Don't tell me there's a problem with the turbots." "They're fine." "I spoke to the video man, he thought the wedding might be off." "No, no, don't be so silly." "Everything's fine." "Everything's fine." "Emotions are running a bit high." "What on earth gave you that idea?" "He said your husband had accused the groom of murdering his mother." "If there is a problem, we could..." "No, there's no problem." "Let's just stick to the schedule." "Meet and greet line, with canapés and champagne after we come from church, then everyone seated by 2:00, smoked chicken and turbot and meringues." " What could be nicer?" " The bride is driving off in my van!" "Stop!" "(Sobbing)" "Mel's not in her room." " She's gone off in the catering van." " What?" "!" "Where's she gone?" "I don't know." "She's taken the turbots." "(Door slams)" "Dick's locked himself in." "Oh, what?" "Dick, come on!" " (Dick) Go away!" " The wedding starts in just over an hour." "Look, we've all had a bad week." "I mean..." "Dick, it's your daughter's wedding." "It'll look very odd if you're not there!" "Everyone's coming." "All those friends and relatives." " The Harpers, from Dublin." " The Harpers, from Dublin." "John and Eileen, from Turkey." "John and Eileen, all the way from Torquay." " Turkey!" " From Turkey!" "Keep coming, keep coming." " The Toronto Cooks." " The Tonto Cooks." " Toronto!" " The Toronto Cooks." "Speak up." "The Toronto Cooks, all the way from... (Dick) Toronto!" "Exactly!" "I mean, you know, I mean, it's gonna be very embarrassing if there's a wedding and you're not there." "What will we say to them all?" "Dick!" "Come out!" "(Sobbing)" "All right, Dick, come on." "What can I do to make it up to you?" "I'm not sure that's physically possible, Dick." "(Monitor beeping)" " Dom." " Howard." "What time is it?" "It's time you were here." "We've got to find Mel." "Now!" " Ohh, that's good..." " What?" "No, you..." "What were you saying?" " Where are you?" " I'll be with you in about three minutes." " Dom." " Yeah." "This is Sophie's room." "Morning." "Come on!" "Come on!" "We've got a wedding in an hour and no bride!" "What the hell are you wearing?" " You can talk!" " Haven't you got any shoes?" " No." " None at all?" " Not one pair of smart shoes?" " No." " Oh, for Christ's sake, Dom!" " 'Ey, chill out." "I've got Screaming Lord Sutch as my best man!" " Where are we going?" " I dunno." "We'll drive around, see if we can spot her." "What the hell were you doing with Sophie?" "Eh, I tell you, she is one wild lady." " Just keep your hands off her, will you?" " Why?" "I'm in enough trouble without my best man defiling the other daughter." "I tell you, if Mel is anything like her sister, you are one lucky dog!" "Oh, no!" "Oh, no, no, no!" "No, no, no!" "What a stupid place to put a wall." "Oh, no, no, it wasn't me." "It was Dom." "See, it's his car!" "It's Dom's car!" "Honestly!" "(Beeping)" "Granny, I'm so sorry." "This is supposed to be the happiest day of my life, and... and you're in here, inches from death." "And Dad's threatening to call the whole thing off." "(Sobs)" "I don't think I can take much more." "Granny, please..." "Please wake up." "What are you doing?" "Mrs Cook, she told me to capture the whole day." " But not this!" " Right." "She was very explicit." "Just go!" "Just go!" " Morning, Angela." " Morning, Ron." "Trish." "Isn't she a picture?" " Er..." " Do you like it?" "I made it for a routine in a Deptford club." "The Blue Horn." "Do you know it?" "No, I don't believe so." "Where's Howard?" "I thought I'd take him for a swift pint." " His last one as a free man." " I've got some bad news." "Mel's driven off somewhere, and Dick's locked himself in his study." "You know, Granny, you've always been an inspiration to me." "It can't have been easy for you, with your first husband committing suicide." "And then the way you soldiered on after Grandad died." "I mean, to have a second husband top himself as well," "I thought you coped wonderfully well, because people did say some very hurtful things." "When you get to my age, you don't care what people say." "Granny, you're alive!" "Just about." "No thanks to your sodding fiancé." "I thought I saw her, that's all." "Oh, you thought you saw her in the cafe, and when she wasn't there, you queued up for a coffee?" "!" "Maybe she's done a runner." "Look, will you just drive me to the church?" "People will be arriving." "Got cold feet about spending her life with you." "Couldn't face it!" "(Chuckles)" "Watch it!" "Aaargh!" "Sorry." "Now, have you got the ring?" "Please tell me you've got the ring." "I've got the ring." "(Sighs) See, I knew you'd work out as best man." "What about the buttonholes?" "Oh, shit!" "Sorry, How, man." "Never mind." "Got the church seating plan?" "Shit!" "Sorry, How, man." "The parking plan?" "Yeah, got that." "Shit!" "Sorry, How, man." "Left here!" " It's only coffee." " Cretin!" " Sorry, How." " Put it on full blast." "Turn it up to four." " Howard." " What?" "Oh, hello, Vicar." " Aren't we lucky with the weather?" " What the hell's going on?" "It's chaos." "Nobody knows where to sit, nobody knows where to park." "Don't worry, Vicar." "I'm here now." "There's another wedding at two o'clock, you know." "Mum, it's me." "No, I'm fine." "Look, I'm at the hospital..." "I'm fine, and I've got some great news." "Granny's woken up." "Yeah, it's wonderful, and she's going to be all right." "Of course I'm coming." "Tell Howard I'm on my way." "Yeah, I'll see you at the church." "Yeah, the turbots are fine!" "Hello, I'm Fraser Cook, head of security." " Bride or groom?" " Groom." " Dick, open the door." " You tell him Ron." "Look, I've got family coming from Enfield for this." "They're expecting a do." "We're all expecting a do." "(Dick) My daughter's not marrying your hopeless, lowlife, good-for-nothing son!" "That's a bit harsh, Dick." "My son's got a scholarship to the grammar school." "He's got O-levels, he's got A-levels." "He's got a degree from Reading University." "(Dick) He's a turd!" "(Horn honking)" "(Two horns honking)" "(Many horns honking)" "Cheers, Howard, for making me wear this dress!" "I've always wanted to look like a hovercraft with two matching life rafts." " Sof, you look lovely." " Are you trying to chat me up again?" " For God's sake, I'm getting married." " You are so sick." "I'm not trying to chat you up, or come on to you or hit on you or flirt with you." "I don't want sex with you!" " Well?" " Well what?" " Is there going to be a wedding or not?" " Yes, of course there is!" "Sorry, Vicar, I didn't mean to..." "I don't need this." "I'd be perfectly happy at home with my foot up," " watching the football scores." " She'll be here any minute." "She's 35 minutes late." "I think you'd better tell them something." "(inaudible)" "Excuse me, everybody." "I know that many of you have travelled a very long way for this." "From Toronto..." " Enfield..." " Hear, hear." "So, thank you. (Chuckles nervously)" "In case you're wondering, there's been a tiny delay." "Bride's prerogative, of course." "(Chuckles)" "But, er... not to worry, though." "I can assure you she will be arriving very shortly." "(Tyres screech)" "In the meantime, while you're waiting, you might like to enjoy the beautiful architecture here in the church." "It was built... many years ago." "Er..." "So it's pretty old, I think you'll agree." "The windows on both sides depict... various events." "Er..." "Columns." "So any minute now we'll get this show on the road." "Thanks." " I've got the dog." " What?" "I've got the dog." "The replacement Scottie." " When do you want it?" " Well, not now!" "Oh, right." "He's still in there, stuck-up twat!" " What?" " Dick." "He's a right dick, an' all!" " These Cooks and their la-di-da ways." " Not here, Dad." " Bastards!" " Keep your voice down." " At least Mel's on her way." " What?" "She phoned Angela." "Shouldn't be long." "Oh, that's fantastic!" "(Laughs) Thanks, Dad." "(Laughing)" "Mel's on her way!" "Mel's coming!" "(Tyres screech)" "(Whispers) He's here." " Thank you so much, Dick." " I'm doing it for Angela." " Fine, fine." " The turbots." " She's gone to a lot of trouble." " She has." " My mother's regained consciousness." " Oh, wonderful." " I knew she would." " Any sign of Mel?" "Not yet but I think we should take our positions." " You've deigned to turn up." " Leave it, Ron." "Good of you!" "Good of you to put in an appearance!" " Be quiet." " Don't tell me to be quiet." " I will tell you to be quiet." " No, you won't!" "Leave it, Ron, he's not worth it." "For God's sake, Dad!" "The other wedding is arriving in precisely five minutes." "Yes, she's going to be here any second!" "Go on, you can start doing your stuff." "Welcome to St Margaret's." "So sorry to keep you waiting." "Nothing to do with me, I can assure you." "Now, before we start, would everyone please switch off their mobile phones?" "(Many beeps)" "Also, no confetti or rice is to be thrown inside or outside the church." "And if one of the little ones here does begin to cry uncontrollably, please do take him or her out." "It can be very tiresome." "(Organ music)" "Ooh!" "Sorry!" "Excuse me." "I'm sorry." "(Screams)" " What the hell is going on?" " Cassie tried to marry me." " Ever made love to a papaya?" " She's come to her senses." "She's realised she can do better than you." "Give him the bloody keys!" "If you lay a finger on Mel, I'll bloody kill you!" "Can we all just sit, and calm down!"