"ANGEL:" "Almost got hung myself once." "Didn't care for it much." "How about you?" "We're gonna leave you now." "Don't want anyone to see me here and get the crazy notion that I was somehow connected with your accidental death." "On the other hand it's not good idea for a man to be out here on his own." "The mind can do terrible things." "{ Angel laughs }" "Enjoy the company." "{ Angel laughs }" "{ Buzzard screams }" "BRET:" "Whoa!" "{ Horse whinnies }" "{ Hissing }" "{ Rattling }" "{ Horse whinnies }" "Oh, snakes!" "{ Horse whinnies }" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "Whoa, Ollie!" "Whoa, whoa, Ollie!" "{ Straining } Whoa, whoa!" "Don't go without me, all right, Ollie?" "Lord whatever I've done to piss you off if you'd just get me out of this somehow let me know what it was, I promise, I'll rectify the situation." "BRET:" "It had just been a shitty week for me from the beginning." "It all started when I was heading into Crystal River  to pick up some money from the bank." "Oh, probably, I should've known there was bad luck on the horizon  when my horse got stolen  and I had to replace it with something less than a thoroughbred." "{ Donkey brays }" "My luck had to change fast." "The poker game of the century was just 4 days away in St. Louis  and I was still $3,000 short of the entrance fee." "There was no way in hell I was gonna miss that game." "Not just because there was the half-million dollar pot to be won although that kind of money certainly demands attention  but because I needed to know how good I really was." "Once and for all." "BRET:" "Well, I was gonna have to hole up here for the night anyway." "Business just have to wait till morning." "BOY:" "Hello, sir." "BRET:" "Hi, son. { Grunts }" "BRET:" "How much?" "BOY:" "By the day, week or month?" "BRET:" "Not how much to take care of him, how much to just take him." "Permanently." "BOY:" "Pa, this man wants to sell a burro." "PA:" "That burro ain't worth a dollar." "BRET:" "Well, sir, I say you got yourself a deal." "PA:" "Here's your dollar." "BRET:" "He doesn't eat much, but he's a regular jackass." "And he-haw, he-haw, he always likes to be called Arthur. {laughs }" "From moment I slapped eyes on this hombre , I smelled trouble  and refried beans." "Something else told me that this was not just a chance meeting." "ANNA:" "I'll see your 10 and I'll raise you 10." "ANGEL:" "I call." "PLAYER 2:" "What do you got?" "ANNA:" "Full house." "That beats me." "Damn, you are a lucky lady." "BRET:" "Is this seat taken?" "{ Chuckles } It is now." "My name is Annabelle Bransford." "ANNA:" "What do people call you?" "BRET:" "I'm Bret Maverick." "And I'm pleased to meet you." "ANGEL:" "I like the game the way it is." "Well, now I bring all sorts of pluses to the table." "I hardly ever bluff and I never ever cheat." "I don't believe it." "{ Laughing } Neither do I." "ANGEL:" "I like the game just the way it is." "PLAYER 3:" "What good is an empty chair?" "BRET:" "Indeed." "Know, I'll bet I can change your mind." "I promise that I will lose for at least an hour." "PLAYER 2:" "Sounds good to me." "PLAYER 3:" "My kind of player." "ANGEL:" "We're playing five-card draw." "ANNA:" "Please, sit down." "As I said, my name is Mrs. Annabelle Bransford." "Well, I think, I caught that before, ma'am." "Except the 'Mrs.'" "PLAYER 2:" "Ante up." "ANGEL:" "I'm in." "PLAYER 2:" "Same game." "Chips, sir?" "PLAYER 1:" "You can lose as much as you want." "{ Bret chuckles }" "BRET: 200." "ANNA:" "You did say you'd gonna lose for an hour." "BRET:" "I'm a man of my word." "ANNA:" "I know." "{ Laughter from bar}" "PLAYER 2:" "Place your bets." "PLAYER 2:" "Ante up." "PLAYER 3:" "It's about time." "JOHNNY:" "I'll see you and raise you 20." "BRET:" "Slow down, I'm running low on chips." "I'll see your bet and I'll call." "JOHNNY: 2 pair, aces over queens." "BRET:" "Lucky for me, I had 3 sixes." "Sorry." "PLAYER 1:" "Nice pot." "PLAYER 2:" "You have broke your losing streak." "JOHNNY:" "I think, I wasn't count." "BRET:" "Beg your pardon?" "I said, I don't think that hand should count." "You got any logical reasons why not?" "My mind wasn't on the game." "BRET:" "Your mind..." "His mind wasn't on the... {laughs }" "What's your name, son?" "Johnny." "Johnny, tell me if you got a last name?" "Johnny Hardin." "What's your occupation?" "I'm a gunfighter." "Well, I have to assume since you're still alive and playing cards with us here that you're good at it." "Care to find out?" "BRET:" "Gentlemen, this hand definitely doesn't count." "Here you take it all, whatever you think's yours." "I'll be content with the leavings." "Do you mind if I just hang on to..." "ANGEL:" "You always been gutless?" "Yeah, I think so." "For as long as I can remember, at any rate." "BRET:" "My old pappy always used to say, 'He who fights and runs away can run away another day.'" "What?" "BRET:" "Look, I don't see what's so great about..." "BRET:" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "Look, son..." "BRET:" "Slow down there!" "Where's the fire, son?" "{ Laughs }" "BRET:" "Slow down." "Don't shoot me, okay?" "I'm just trying to expound." "I was just saying, I don't see what's so great about being brave." "BRET:" "I mean, I'm a card player." "I play cards." "Call me a gambler." "BRET:" "I want to become an old gambler." "You on the other hand are a gunfighter." "BRET:" "An exceptional one at that, from what I hear." "So if decided to go against you, what chance would I have had?" "Answer?" "Zero." "{ Click }" "{ Patrons gasp }" "Absolutely none whatsoever." "Want to see it again?" "{ Patrons gasp }" "{ Bret laughs }" "Oop!" "{ Chuckling } Damn thing won't stay in the holster." "BRET:" "Whoop!" "I must have a spring in there." "Oh, come on, kid, let's just play poker." "BRET:" "Who here wants to play poker?" "Who wants to see some guy get killed?" "No." "Let's play poker." "BRET:" "I'd rather be rich than dead, you know." "ANNA:" "Was that fast?" "I thought that was fast." "Was it fast?" "Was it?" "JOHNNY:" "Yeah." "BRET:" "Now, what was it?" "Stud?" "No, I think, I prefer draw!" "{ Bret laughs } Just kidding." "{ Laughing } I'm sorry, I just couldn't resist it." "{ Laughter}" "PLAYER 2:" "My ante's in." "Raise you 75." "Oh!" "75." "That takes care of your bet." "And I'll raise you whatever that is." "Looks like 100." "{ Sighs }" "Oh, shit!" "I fold." "BRET:" "You've never pay to look..." "ANGEL:" "You said you never bluffed." "I had a pair of aces!" "BRET:" "No, I said I never cheated and I also said I hardly ever bluff." "This is one of the 'hardlys.'" "You've been cheating the whole damn game." "What do you think I was doing during that first hour?" "I was learning your 'tells.'" "{ Chuckling } Accidentally, your particular weakness comes when you get your hand." "You shuffle the cards back and forth and act a little fidgety." "I just called you a cheat!" "{ Patrons murmur}" "Well, you also called me gutless but I figured you were just teasing." "THUG 1:" "Get your hands off him!" "THUG 1:" "We get him first!" "THUG 2:" "When I seen you through the window you made me believe in the Almighty." "BRET:" "You fellas were drinking." "A lot." "And you played bad." "Whose fault is that?" "THUG 2:" "Yours, you bastard!" "It's all your fault." "THUG 2:" "But it's our time come now." "{ Patrons scream }" "{ Patrons murmur and laugh }" "BOY:" "I think, there's going to be a fight." "BRET:" "Come here, son." "BRET:" "I want you to hold onto this for me." "BRET:" "Now, if these fellas get to whoopping me you have my permission to shoot me." "BOY:" "To Shoot you?" "!" "BRET:" "Shoot me." "See this doesn't get no dirty." "Good luck!" "{ Exhales }" "{ Laughter}" "{ Laughter}" "{ Bullwhip snaps }" "{ Bullwhip snaps }" "THUG 1:" "I'm going to cut you up, fancy man!" "{ Dog barks and growls }" "{ Bret yells }" "{ Applauding and cheering }" "BOY:" "Sir, you're pretty good fighter." "I'm glad I didn't have to kill you." "BRET: { Gasping } Me too." "BOY:" "By the way, I won 20 cents." "BRET: { Gasping } Thanks to my lucky shirt." "BOY:" "Speaking of my 20 cents..." "OLD MAN:" "That's the way you do it!" "That'll learn them assholes!" "{ Laughs }" "All right, all right!" "My shirt's damaged!" "Damn!" "What the hell else bad can happen?" "You!" "What did you say before I win?" "You called me something." "ANGEL:" "Nothing, nothing, nothing important." "ANNA:" "He called you a gutless coward." "I did not say that." "I might've said a gutless cheat." "Cheat?" "!" "Cheat?" "!" "ANGEL:" "I was teasing." "BRET:" "Teasing?" "ANGEL:" "Teasing. { Chuckles }" "Oh!" "{ Laughs }" "I don't like being teased." "Hey... my friend, I'm sorry." "{ Laughs }" "Now I'm teasing you." "{ Laughing } Let's play poker." "BRET:" "Let me get your chair." "ANNA:" "That was truly amazing." "BRET:" "I just get lucky sometimes, that's all." "{ Sighs }" "BRET:" "Whose deal was it?" "Mine?" "JOHNNY:" "Excuse me." "Think I'm through with you all for the evening." "JOHNNY:" "Good night, ma'am." "ANNA:" "Good night." "BRET:" "Good night, son. { Sighs } Five-card draw all right with you?" "ANGEL:" "Whatever." "Mind if I take 6?" "BRET: { Laughing } Little poker humor." "I'm just teasing you again." "{ Knock at door}" "BRET: { Click } Who is it?" "ANNA:" "Annabelle Bransford." "I shouldn't be doing this." "BRET:" "You're just standing in the hallway, Mrs. Bransford." "I think, that's still legal in this state." "ANNA:" "If only I weren't a married woman." "ANNA: { Sighs } I couldn't help myself." "My very being just cried out to hold you." "{ Gasps }" "Well, stop by anytime." "I know we may never see each other again so I think it's safe to say you are the most blindingly attractive man that I've ever seen." "ANNA:" "Goodbye." "BRET:" "Annabelle." "{ Annabelle grunts }" "BRET:" "How can I possibly go on without my wallet?" "BRET:" "If you don't give back my money, I'll have your ass in jail." "ANNA:" "Damn!" "BRET:" "Don't get mad at me." "I can't help it if you're a miserable thief." "ANNA:" "I'm a very good thief, mister." "I just been having a stroke of bad luck, that's all." "BRET:" "I know what that's all about." "Where're you from anyway?" "Your accent could use little work too." "ANNA:" "Most gentlemen enjoy my Southern." "BRET:" "Oh, that's not in dispute." "But I'll bet there is no Mr. Bransford, is there?" "No, there isn't and there never will be, thank you very much." "Well, now what do we do?" "You're not gonna turn me in?" "Well, I'm law-abiding citizen." "It's my duty to turn you in." "BRET:" "I'm afraid I'll have to..." "What the hell!" "I got my money back and there's no harm done." "Let's just call it square, shall we?" "Damn!" "What?" "Well, you're just so irritating and..." "likable." "I have to work on that, I guess." "There you go, all likable again." "{ Giggles }" "You know, I..." "I think that had we known each other under different circumstances we'd have just hated each other." "{ Bret laughs }" "There's no Mrs. Maverick, is there?" "I'm sure I would've remembered." "May I?" "I wish we'd never met." "Goodbye." "Goodbye." "Ow!" "{ Exhales }" "She did it..." "Son of a bitch!" "BRET:" "Can I be of some help?" "ANNA: { Screams }" "BRET:" "What?" "!" "ANNA:" "You have to admit I was much better the second time." "Not just better." "You were good." "ANNA:" "I was?" "BRET:" "No, you won't just good." "You were very good!" "ANNA:" "Thank you." "BRET:" "And now it's time for you do a little something what I want." "ANNA:" "How dare you?" "I'm a lady." "Not in a million years!" "Not if you or I were 100 years old." "Not if I was 100 years old..." "BRET:" "Shut up!" "I don't want to go to bed with you, lady." "Why not?" "{ Laughing } Why not?" "I'd be too frightened!" "What if I dozed, God knows what parts of me you'd steal." "I'd wake up with all sorts of things missing." "BRET:" "But obviously I don't know how to clean this and, obviously, you must know how to." "The laundry's closed, I leave early and you owe me." "So take it easy on the starch." "ANNA:" "If I can't touch you, I can touch your shirt and dream." "BRET:" "Want a hand?" "ANNA:" "Yes, thank you." "{ Annabelle screams }" "{ Bret laughs }" "BRET:" "Thank you." "Goodnight, Bert." "{ Moans } Bret!" "Bret." "That's my name." "Bret." "BRET:" "Good morning." "ROBERT:" "Good morning." "BRET:" "Is Eugene in?" "ROBERT:" "Yes, sir, but he's busy..." "BRET:" "No, it's all right, all right." "{ Click } Eugene?" "BRET:" "Get up, you bald-headed reprobate!" "BRET:" "On your feet!" "EUGENE:" "Don't shoot." "BRET:" "I need some cash." "EUGENE:" "I know a desert flower..." "BRET:" "Shut up!" "BRET:" "Put the cash on the table." "EUGENE:" "I don't have any." "ROBERT:" "Robbery!" "EUGENE:" "Robert, no!" "It's all right." "EUGENE:" "It's just big friend Bret saying hello." "EUGENE:" "Go back and tell everybody everything's okay." "EUGENE:" "Son of a bitch!" "BRET:" "Silly old bastard!" "BRET:" "How are things going, Eugene?" "EUGENE:" "Oh, things couldn't be worse, Bret." "Bret, look, I know I owe you $1,000." "BRET:" "That's what I came for." "EUGENE:" "Would you take 100?" "EUGENE:" "Know, look, I've never welshed on a debt me like." "Just give me to year's end." "BRET:" "The end of the...?" "Eugene, I need that money right now." "For the All Rivers Poker Championship." "EUGENE:" "How much it cost to enter that?" "BRET: $25,000." "I'm $3,000 short, but I figured with Joseph and you and..." "Well, Pork Chop Slim owed me too but he died his widow used the money for his funeral." "EUGENE:" "They never found the body." "What?" "They never found his body." "BRET:" "The widow Pork Chop conned me." "What's with people nowadays?" "EUGENE:" "I know what you mean." "You just can't trust them." "Take my last 100." "BRET:" "No, I can't that." "Not your last 100.." "What about Matilda and the kid?" "ROBERT:" "Bank robbery!" "EUGENE:" "I told you..." "ROBBER 1:" "You heard him!" "Bank robbery!" "{ Screams and gasps from lobby }" "ROBBER 1:" "I'll take this, gunslinger." "Much obliged." "Empty your pockets, old man." "EUGENE:" "I got a silver dollar." "ROBBER 1:" "Silver dollar?" "Do better!" "My trigger finger's itchy." "EUGENE:" "All right, don't shoot!" "Don't shoot!" "{ Eugene growls }" "EUGENE:" "Take it." "ROBBER 1:" "What?" "!" "Look at this!" "ROBBER 1:" "Well, I'll be!" "Jesus!" "{ Robber stammers }" "BRET: { Stammering } Hundreds and thousands!" "BRET:" "You told me you were broke?" "!" "EUGENE:" "I am now!" "He's got it." "ROBBER 1:" "And I'll get the rest too!" "Come on!" "EUGENE:" "I don't have any more." "ROBBER 1:" "Pull those pockets out." "Son of a bitch!" "Turn around!" "ROBBER 1:" "Hurry up!" "Hey!" "BRET:" "I'm sorry." "ROBBER 1:" "Give me that!" "ROBBER 1:" "Nah!" "BRET:" "Nah!" "ROBBER 1:" "Ok, let's blow the safe!" "ROBBER 1:" "Light up!" "ROBBER 2:" "Heads down, everybody!" "{ Bret gasps }" "{ Screams from lobby }" "BRET: { Grunting } I'm younger than you." "EUGENE:" "I should be under... { Grunts }" "{ Explosion }" "{ People scream }" "{ Horse whinnies }" "ROBBER 1: { Grunting } I'm getting too old for this shit!" "ROBBER 1:" "Hi-yah!" "Yah!" "EUGENE:" "You sons of bitches beat me by a day!" "BRET: { Coughing } Eugene!" "You're holding out." "EUGENE: { Laughing } Bret, that's all I got left!" "EUGENE:" "Maverick!" "{ Bret chokes and coughs }" "THUG 1:" "Hey!" "THUG 1:" "Bret Maverick!" "THUG 1:" "We want to talk to you, pal." "THUG 1:" "Where're you going?" "THUG:" "Got you now!" "BRET:" "Anybody see you?" "THUG 1:" "Not a soul." "BRET: { Gasps } You fellows come in any later last night that monster would've eaten me alive." "THUG 1:" "We saw that." "Anybody suspect anything?" "BRET: { Laughing } Not a thing." "You were great!" "THUG 1:" "The truth is, we enjoyed it. { Laughs }" "BRET:" "No kidding." "THUG 1:" "Thanks for taking it so easy on us." "Easy?" "Those were my best shots." "THUG 2:" "The one there kind rung my bell a little bit." "That's good." "THUG 3:" "You owe us $5 apiece." "THUG 4: $5." "BRET:" "You're damn right." "That's $5 a beating, right?" "{Thugs murmur}" "BRET: { Chuckling } You, boys, may not believe this." "They cleaned the bank and me out." "I'm gonna have to owe you." "THUG 1:" "Are you trying to tell me you don't have our money for taking your best shots?" "{ Click }" "BRET:" "Blown my head won't gonna make you richer." "THUG 4:" "But it's gonna make me feel better." "{ Gasps } You got a point there." "Let's see here." "{Thugs murmur}" "I'm sorry." "I forgot!" "I honestly forgot." "I always keep something pinned inside my vest for such a rainy day occasion." "THUG 1:" "It's a good thing." "It was clouding up pretty quick." "{ Bret and Thugs laugh }" "BRET:" "That's a $100 bill, gentlemen." "THUG 1:" "A $100 bill?" "!" "BRET:" "But I do need some change." "BRET: 80 will be close enough. 75..." "THUG 1:" "Let's see what we got here." "{Thugs murmur}" "THUG 2:" "I got 17 here." "THUG 1: 17?" "!" "THUG 2:" "That's right." "THUG 1:" "You owe me $8 for a month." "THUG 2:" "We'll settle that later." "THUG 1:" "You always cheat me." "THUG 2:" "I can't believe you!" "BRET:" "Close enough." "BRET:" "You came out better than you think." "Nice working with you, boys." "You keep this under your hats, okay?" "News travels fast in the old West." "THUG 2:" "A $100 bill!" "That's $25 apiece." "{Thugs cheer and laugh }" "{ Bret whistles a tune }" "{ Bret stops whistling }" "{ Exhales }" "BRET:" "Ever since I was a kid, I believed I had a gift." "That if I thought hard enough about a card  I'd be able to cut straight to it." "Of course, my old pappy always said I was a damn fool." "But I knew if I really believed and made it happen, then that  would be nothing short of magic." "Of course, it didn 't always work." "What do I expect!" "In the matter of fact, it had never worked." "{ Sighing } Ah, sweet woman!" "{ Sighs }" "Lucky shirt." "Yes!" "{ Gasps }" "{ Gasps and stammers }" "{ Gasping } Mrs. Bransford!" "BRET:" "Wait!" "You!" "BRET: { Stammering } I'm..." "No!" "You... { Mutters }" "{ Bell rings }" "BRET:" "Hold up the ferry!" "Don't go without me!" "BRET: { Gasping } You did this on purpose!" "ANNA:" "You bet I did!" "This is my lucky shirt." "Do your own laundry then." "My underwear comes from New York." "BRET:" "You got any idea where this shirt was made, lady?" "Paris, France, that's where!" "You think, I can go to the nearest dry-goods store to get another one!" "ANNA:" "Why don't you try the kiddie department?" "{ Giggles }" "COOP:" "Remove your hands from the lady." "ANNA:" "Sometimes when you least expect it, your hero arrives." "Mister...?" "COOP:" "Cooper." "Zane Cooper." "Folks call me Coop." "COOP:" "Suits me just fine." "BRET:" "Coop!" "ANNA:" "Well, this silly looking creature's named Maverick." "And my name is Annabelle Bransford." "ANNA:" "I'm gonna be taking this coach." "COOP AND BRET:" "So am I." "BRET:" "That ought to be fun." "ANNA:" "Lord knows what he'd have done, being alone together in the stage for 2 days." "COOP:" "Well, I hope you can relax and enjoy the journey now." "See, my feeling is that if there weren't any women none of us would be here." "BRET:" "What kind of sense does that make?" "If there were no any men, we wouldn't be here either." "Are you mocking me?" "BRET:" "Don't get ruffled." "Let's just say." "I was agreeing with you in a totally unusual way." "ANNA:" "What would this world come to without true gentlemen like yourself?" "{ Coughing from behind the coach }" "BRET:" "A passenger!" "Come ahead." "BRET:" "Right this way, sir." "Want a hand?" "{ Elderly man stammers }" "ELDERLY MAN:" "I'm the driver." "BRET:" "Are you all right?" "DRIVER:" "Why does everybody ask me that?" "Now, come on, get me up there so we can get this thing going. { Coughs }" "ANNA:" "Well, I think it's about time we get to know each other." "Mr. Maverick has aspirations was becoming a card player." "COOP:" "I'm not totally ignorant of cards." "Can't be in my line of work." "ANNA:" "And pray what might that be?" "COOP:" "Lawman." "ANNA:" "Oh, I bet you're just the best there is." "I can tell things about a man." "BRET:" "Oh, I can't quite place your accent, Mrs. Bransford." "Where in the South are you from?" "ANNA:" "Ever been to Mobile?" "That's where I'm from." "BRET:" "Oh, you mean, Mobile, Alabama?" "Hell, I've been there." "BRET:" "I'll bet we know the same people." "You start." "ANNA:" "I've tried so hard to forget that place." "I endured such personal tragedy there." "{ Bret laughs and cheers }" "COOP:" "A woman's suffering is not a funny thing, Bertie." "BRET: { Chuckling } There are exceptions." "{ Bret laughs }" "BRET:" "Watch your billfold." "BRET:" "Hey, old-timer!" "BRET:" "The thief and the old guy find it bumpy back here!" "ANNA:" "How could you face them all down?" "9 men, all of them armed?" "When a man gives his word to do his job, he's honor bound to do it." "ANNA:" "Weren't you afraid?" "COOP:" "A mite." "ANNA:" "Maverick doesn't believe in bravery." "BRET:" "Oh, no." "Mrs. Bransford, I think bravery's a fine thing just overrated is all, and doesn't suit me personally." "COOP:" "I just realized something." "What's that?" "COOP:" "You're spineless." "BRET:" "That's right." "The spineless." "It's kept me alive a long time." "{ Laughter from cafe }" "ANGEL:" "You fellas got a problem?" "THUG 2: { Laughing } Heavens to Betsy, no!" "{ Laughter}" "ANGEL:" "What's the joke?" "JOHN:" "You, Pancho." "You're the joke." "ANGEL:" "Explain that." "DOC:" "You'll have to pay us more money than Maverick did." "ANGEL:" "He paid you to fall down?" "JOHN:" "Paid us good too." "THUG 2:" "That's right." "A $100 bill." "ANGEL:" "That's a good day's work." "You fellas ought to see me first." "I'd a let you fall down for free." "ANGEL:" "Maverick is mine, anyway." "ANGEL:" "But this time it's personal." "ANGEL: $100 bill!" "Ha!" "ANNA:" "Do you think, he is taking a short cut?" "{ Annabelle grunts and gasps }" "Hey, old-timer, wake up!" "COOP:" "Is he asleep?" "BRET:" "No, I think, it's more serious than that." "BRET:" "I think, he's dead." "COOP:" "Dead?" "!" "Yeah." "COOP:" "So get up and stop the stage." "BRET:" "Me?" "I just put a fresh shirt on." "BRET:" "Why don't you stop the stage!" "COOP:" "Because this wheel's loose." "COOP:" "If it comes off, we're all dead." "Stop the stage." "I'll take care of the wheel." "COOP:" "Give me your hat." "BRET:" "It better fit when I come back." "Now, Bert... stop playing around and stop those horses." "BRET:" "Help!" "COOP:" "This is serious!" "{ Annabelle gasps }" "COOP:" "He'll be fine." "He looks pretty handy." "ANNA:" "He is?" "{ Bret grunts and groans }" "{ Grunts and mutters }" "{ Coughs and sputters }" "ANNA:" "So why don't you fix that wheel?" "COOP:" "The wheel is perfect." "ANNA:" "Why don't you help him?" "He's gonna kill you when he gets back." "COOP:" "No, in the long run, he'll thank me in his prayers." "{ Bret yells }" "{ Bret screams }" "{ Grunts and groans }" "Ow!" "ANNA:" "What's he doing back there?" "{ Bret coughs and grunts }" "{ Bret gasps }" "{ Bret screams }" "{ Annabelle screams }" "{Thump }" "{ Annabelle screams }" "BRET:" "Sorry!" "ANNA: { Screams }" "COOP:" "Stop fooling around!" "BRET:" "You poked me in the eye!" "COOP:" "Get up there and stop the horses!" "BRET:" "Whoa, horses!" "Stop!" "{ Bret screams }" "Whoa!" "Stop!" "Whoa!" "{ Bret screams }" "{ Grunts and gasps }" "BRET: { Gasping } Ow!" "COOP:" "Let me help you." "BRET:" "Oh, no, I got it." "{ Bret grunts }" "{ Bret gasps and pants }" "BRET: { Gasping } So..." "what's with the wheel?" "COOP:" "Oh!" "Well, it's fine." "ANNA:" "It was nothing wrong with it." "It..." "BRET: { Gasping } I know." "I got a real good close look at the wheels from underneath." "ANNA:" "Don't you feel better about yourself for being so brave?" "ANNA:" "Wasn't that exciting?" "BRET: { Laughing } I get it." "BRET: { Gasping } This was all for my benefit. { Laughs }" "ANNA:" "Yes!" "BRET:" "To help me build character." "COOP:" "Exactly." "ANNA:" "He's bursting with pride." "BRET: { Laughing } That's funny." "You'd think I'd be mad, wouldn't you?" "{ Coop and Annabelle laugh }" "COOP:" "Give me your hand." "BRET:" "Don't you ever try and help me again." "BRET: { Gasping } You either." "BRET:" "Now back off." "Go ahead, back off!" "BRET:" "Go away." "ANNA:" "Ungrateful!" "{ Bret gasps }" "BRET: { Whispering } Help." "COOP: { Shouting } What?" "BRET:" "Help." "COOP: { Stammering } What did you say?" "BRET: { Gasping } Please help me." "COOP:" "Oh!" "Okay, take my hand." "BRET:" "You take my hand." "{ Bret whimpers }" "{ Bret grunts }" "BRET: { Whimpering } Take my other hand." "BRET: { Grunting } Easy!" "COOP:" "Oh, watch the cactus!" "BRET: { Groaning } I don't care about the cactus." "Just get me up there." "COOP:" "You're doing good." "{ Bret groans }" "BRET:" "Now get your hands off me!" "{ Bret pants and whimpers }" "COOP:" "Ungrateful." "COOP:" "I suppose, somebody ought to say something nice about the deceased." "ANNA:" "How do we know he was nice?" "We know nothing about him." "The only thing he's got in his wallet is names of whorehouses." "{ Bret sings 'Amazing Grace'}" "{ Coop and Annabelle joins in }" "{ Click, click, click }" "{ Click, click, click }" "{ Click, click, click }" "{ Screaming from road }" "COOP:" "Trouble!" "BRET:" "Pull up!" "Whoa!" "{ People screaming and crying }" "{ Groans }" "M. MARY:" "We sing praises unto the Lord, our God!" "{ People murmur}" "{ Dress rips }" "BRET:" "Here." "COOP:" "We'll do everything we can." "M. MARY: 'Though I walk through the valley...'" "COOP:" "Maverick!" "COOP:" "They got hit by Indians." "M. MARGARET:" "Yeah, they were Injuns." "BRET:" "Ma'am, it was not Indians." "M. MARGARET:" "Don't you tell me." "I've seen them." "I seen them." "They were wearing war paint..." "BRET:" "If it was Indians..." "COOP:" "I said we'd take them to Cristal City." "BRET:" "That's backtracking." "COOP:" "Just a day." "BRET:" "Well, I have a game to get to." "COOP:" "I know exactly what you have to get to." "M. MARGARET:" "Took my girl's music box." "GIRL:" "My favorite music!" ".." "M. MARGARET:" "And they took the wagon of money out a mission." "BRET:" "Hold it." "Simmer down." "BRET:" "Exactly how much money was that?" "ANNA:" "What kind of animal are you?" "COOP:" "Vulture." "ANNA:" "Exactly how much money was that, ma'am?" "M. MARGARET AND M. MARY:" "$30,000." "M. MARGARET AND M. MARY:" "We're gonna starting a mission..." "BRET:" "Ma'am, if I get it back your $30,00, is it worth 10 percent to you?" "M. MARGARET: 5!" "5 percent." "M. MARY:" "No, 10 percent, Mary Margaret." "I could get my wedding dress back for when I find a husband." "M. MARY: { Sighs }" "M. MARY:" "All right, Margaret Mary." "You think you can do it?" "ANNA:" "I know we can." "BRET:" "What's with the 'we'?" "M. MARY:" "I'll give you 10 percent, but make those savages suffer." "BRET:" "I'm telling you, ma'am, there are no hostile Indians around these parts." "{ Beating of drums from distance }" "{ People screaming }" "M. MARY:" "Oh, my God!" "Come on..." "COOP:" "Drums." "Those are definitely drums." "ANNA:" "Right again, Bert." "BRET:" "It's Bret." "BRET:" "Hm." "ANNA:" "Well?" "BRET:" "They look like dimples in dirt to you, Mrs. Bransford." "BRET:" "But they're horse tracks." "Besides, they're shod horse tracks." "Indians don't shoe their ponies." "ANNA:" "They're Indians." "They probably stole the ponies." "BRET:" "Not everybody's like you, Mrs. Bransford." "ANNA:" "What is it with you and Indians anyway?" "BRET:" "Oh, nothing." "I try and shoot one a day, if possible before noon." "How about you, Coop?" "BRET:" "I figure, it's their fault, too, for being on our land before we got here." "{ Bret gasps and grunts }" "BRET:" "What are you doing here anyway?" "ANNA:" "We're partners. 50-50." "COOP:" "Sounds like 50-50 to me." "BRET:" "You want 50% too?" "COOP:" "I want those ladies to get their money back." "BRET:" "Oh, fine!" "Well, I don't split my bounty with anybody." "ANNA:" "Would 60-40 be agreeable?" "BRET:" "What you gonna do for your 40%?" "ANNA:" "I'm got a help. { Grunts }" "{ Gun fires and Annabelle screams }" "{ Bret gasps and pants }" "BRET:" "Oh." "ANNA: 70-30?" "BRET: 70-30?" "{ Bret laughs }" "BRET:" "I don't know about 70-30." "BRET:" "You're not exactly what I calling an experienced tracker." "ANNA:" "Well, someday tracker you are, following couple little horses." "Anybody can do that." "BRET:" "Anybody?" "Oh..." "{ Click } ...you see that hawk over there?" "ANNA:" "Don't!" "BRET:" "I'm not gonna shoot the hawk." "BRETT:" "You know what that hawk means?" "ANNA:" "What?" "BRETT:" "Absolutely nothing." "But you didn't know that, did you?" "ANNA:" "Yes, I did!" "BRETT:" "You didn't." "COOP:" "Children!" "Children!" "BRET:" "Shh!" "ANNA: { Whispering } What?" "You smell some Indians in Montana?" "BRET:" "No!" "Now be quiet." "ANNA: { Whispering } What is it?" "ANNA: { Whispering } What do you hear?" "BRET:" "Huh?" "Nothing." "BRET:" "I thought I'd nap before sundown, you know." "Sneak up on them in the dark." "{ Bret grunts }" "{ Coop laughs }" "ANNA:" "What are you laughing at?" "{ Bret chuckles and sighs }" "BRET: { Whispering } Here you go." "COOP:" "There's 6 horses." "It's got to be them." "BRET:" "You got good eyes." "COOP:" "We got to tie these up." "ANNA:" "Wait." "Can you teach me how to be a better poker player?" "BRET:" "What?" "Now?" "ANNA:" "You might be dead later." "I need to know now." "BRET:" "You're all heart!" "Poker's about been observing." "Now observe the U.S. Cavalry brand on this horse and the shoes." "They're not Indian ponies." "These are tells." "BRET:" "You got tells too." "ANNA:" "Do not." "BRET:" "Yes, you play with your hair at cards." "ANNA:" "I never touch my hair..." "COOP:" "Would you two shut up?" "Just shut up and listen!" "{ Chime }" "BRET:" "Sounds like a music box, didn't it?" "COOP:" "Yes." "BRET:" "Oh, hey!" "There they are." "BRET:" "Look, there's the music box that woman was talking about." "BRET:" "And look at that fella in the back." "He's wearing your sweetheart's wedding dress, Mary Margaret." "COOP:" "Margaret Mary." "She's not my sweetheart..." "You're on a first name basis." "Would you two be quiet!" "ANNA:" "Be quiet!" "COOP:" "You're crazy!" "Did you see any money over there?" "BRET:" "No." "BRET:" "I can't see anything." "BRET:" "We could take them easy, we could surprise them." "They're half drunk..." "COOP:" "What's 'we' doing in your vocabulary?" "We?" "This is your show." "BRET: { Gasps } You mean, you'd just stand there and let me face 6 guys with 6 guns?" "BRET:" "But I have 1 gun with only 6 bullets." "They got 6 guns means 36 bullets." "BRET:" "What if they got 2?" "That's 72 bullets." "Maybe they got rifles." "COOP:" "Shut up!" "You're babbling." "ANNA:" "You're just babbling." "BRET:" "No, I wasn't." "ANNA:" "You are babbling." "Don't worry, they're probably drunk." "Coop here, he faced down 9 men dead sober, didn't you?" "BRET:" "Coop's always dead sober." "COOP:" "She didn't mean that." "BRET:" "That's what she said." "ANNA:" "I said the outlaws were dead sober!" "BRET AND COOP:" "Shh!" "BRET: { Whispering } Shut up!" "{ Click }" "ANNA: { Gasping } Oh, no, here he comes." "{ Snoring }" "{ Gasps }" "{ Music box plays }" "{ Grunts }" "BRET:" "What if there's trouble?" "I'm seriously." "COOP:" "I'm right behind you." "BRET:" "You are?" "BRET:" "No 'wheels coming off' shit." "COOP:" "That was broken bones." "This is about dying." "ANNA: { Exhales } Other way." "BRET:" "Dying." "Right." "Come on, give it to me." "It's about dying." "It may be my last chance." "Hand it over." "ANNA: { Gasps } How dare you?" "!" "BRET:" "I need all I can get." "ANNA:" "No, just take your own!" "BRET:" "Got to be under there." "ANNA:" "All right, 50%." "BRET: 50%?" "BRET:" "No!" "ANNA: 50-50." "BRET:" "No!" "COOP: 60-40. 60-40?" "ANNA:" "All right, 60-40." "ANNA:" "You're the fastest draw there is." "Why do you need my tiny gun?" "COOP:" "Who said that?" "BRET:" "It's true." "I am fast, but I can't hit shit, especially when I aim at people, so I need bullets I can get." "BRET:" "You back me up?" "COOP:" "Yeah." "ANNA:" "Bert." "Bret." "My name is Bret." "You're Annabelle, he's Coop." "I'm Bret." "It's like you're shooting me." "ANNA:" "Be careful, okay?" "BRET:" "Of course." "You, too." "{ Bang }" "BRET:" "Hey, everyone." "BRET:" "Come on, wake up!" "No need to get alarmed now." "I saw your fire and thought I'd come visit with you for a while." "THIEF 1:" "Who the hell are you?" "Well, I'm Bert Maverick." "BRET: { Laughing } No." "I'm Bret Maverick, and I'm just here to tell you right now each of everyone has a gun pointed at your prodigal heads." "BRET:" "Just whistle, folks, so they can hear you, come on." "BRET:" "You're surrounded." "{ Neither Coop nor Annabelle can whistle }" "BRET:" "What's the matter?" "Another wheel coming off?" "Clap if you can't whistle!" "{ Coop and Annabelle gently clap }" "BRET:" "See?" "They're out there." "Zane Cooper will blow your brains out." "You probably heard of him." "I know you're thinking he's old and decrepit, gums his food and his women." "But he can still shoot straight." "After you is Ugly Annie Bransford." "When she was born, she came out backwards, and nobody noticed." "Hell, when she was a kid, she was so ugly." "Her parents had to tie a pork chop on her neck so the dog would play with her." "When she's making love, she has to pretend she's somebody else." "{Thieves laugh }" "THIEF 2:" "You're all right, Bart." "COOP:" "Admit it." "That was funny." "ANNA:" "I didn't think so." "BRET:" "Well, some Indians attacked a wagon train a few miles back." "Those folks said it might be whites acting like Indians, but I personally don't believe it." "But I think, if you come along with me, we'll settle this matter." "BRET:" "So if you could just follow me." "BRET:" "Get up." "Come on." "Get in a straight line and let's go." "THIEF 3:" "Here's a thing to remember!" "ANNA:" "Aren't you helping him?" "COOP:" "A man could get killed doing that." "ANNA:" "Did you just help him?" "THIEF 4:" "Shot my whiskey bottle!" "ANNA:" "Oh, that's my gun!" "{ Giggles }" "THIEF 4:" "Damn you!" "ANNA: { Gasping } Oh, isn't he wonderful?" "COOP:" "Oh, yeah." "ANNA:" "Look at that!" "They're all gone." "Isn't it wonderful?" "ANNA:" "I'll be rich!" "BRET:" "It was nothing, really." "COOP:" "I'll tell you what you did wrong." "ANNA:" "Now where's the money?" "ANNA:" "You tell me where it is." "ANNA:" "There it is!" "{Thief screams }" "ANNA:" "I've never seen such beautiful money!" "COOP:" "Take off that dress!" "ANNA:" "How dare you!" "COOP:" "Not you." "Him." "ANNA:" "Put that cash down!" "ANNA:" "I found it!" "BRET:" "I nearly got blown away!" "COOP:" "I'll take the money." "ANNA:" "I'll count it for you." "BRET:" "Don't let her touch it!" "COOP:" "Where are you going?" "Stay and clean up your mess." "COOP:" "Be mature." "Clean up this mess." "BRET:" "Get back!" "Put those guns down and line up." "BRET:" "Don't let her get within 10 yards of that cash!" "{Thieves grunt and groan }" "M. MARY:" "I have found you." "For He said, 'Seek and ye shall find.'" "M. MARY:" "And I have found you." "Oh, angel rejoice!" "M. MARY:" "Bless you." "Bless you for finding my wedding dress." "Now I can get married." "M. MARY:" "The Lord says it's good to bear children." "The Lord says..." "COOP:" "It's a beautiful dress." "M. MARY:" "Thank you." "M. MARGARET: $2,500 $2,600 $2,800..." "ANNA: $2,700, ma'am." "M. MARGARET:" "Are you sure about that?" "ANNA:" "Oh, I'm sure." "BRET:" "She'd know." "M. MARGARET: $2,700, $2,800 900." "M. MARGARET: $3,000." "Here you go, Mr. Maverick, the 10 percent we promised to you." "M. MARGARET:" "That leaves us with $27,000, Margaret Mary." "M. MARY:" "Mary Margaret, that's not enough to start a mission." "M. MARGARET:" "Don't you worry, Margaret Mary." "We are honorable women." "We promised Mr. Maverick $3,000 and we delivered." "The Lord will provide for us." "{ Dog whines }" "{ Bret clears throat }" "BRET:" "My old pappy always used to say things such as, 'Never sneeze when you hide or smile when you lie." "And never, under any circumstances, never take money from women who've lost a dog, a wedding dress and a wagon.'" "M. MARGARET:" "Hallelujah!" "ANNA:" "I lost a wedding dress!" "Bret!" "{ People cheer}" "M. MARGARET:" "We have got our money back." "Saint Maverick!" "ANNA:" "We had a deal." "You owed me my 30%." "BRET:" "All right, Mrs. Bransford." "You know, I'm a man of my word." "You can have 30% of whatever I got." "{ Annabelle spits }" "COOP:" "I hate to interrupt, but I got a problem." "If those renegades weren't real Indians who was beating those drums?" "ANNA:" "Maybe it was them." "BRET:" "I'll take care of this." "JOE:" "You've come for the money I owe you?" "BRET:" "Anybody get that?" "ANNA:" "You know about Indians." "Can you speak to him?" "BRET: { Exhales } I'll do my best." "BRET:" "Friend, go with me on this." "BRET:" "I'll explain later." "JOE:" "How long will it take?" "It's getting hot." "BRET:" "I'll make it quick." "Scream at me now!" "What's he say?" "BRET: { Sighs } It seems we've committed a terrible sin." "We're on sacred ground." "ANNA:" "We didn't know we're on sacred ground." "Can't you just explain that to him?" "BRET:" "Yeah." "BRET:" "Shake your head, fire your rifle in the air  look really mad, lots of words!" "{ Rifle fires }" "{ Indians yell}" "BRET:" "Well, his gods demand a sacrifice." "There's no other way." "COOP:" "Sacrifice?" "BRET:" "Human." "BRET:" "You're doing great." "Point your finger and speak angry!" "BRET:" "He says, we can go if one of us passes an Indian bravery test but one of us must go with him." "ANNA:" "What's the Indian bravery test?" "BRET:" "Well, he cuts off both your hands." "If you don't make a sound, you pass." "JOE:" "Who 's the girl?" "She's pretty!" "BRET:" "Point to her, say you want her!" "JOE:" "Ah, I do want her." "Is she available?" "{ Indians yell }" "{ Howls }" "{ Growls }" "BRET:" "I'll die before I let him touch you!" "ANNA:" "There's too many of them!" "BRET:" "You're probably right." "Don't show fear!" "It makes them crazy." "BRET:" "One of us has to go, or there'll be bloodshed." "COOP:" "I'll go." "BRET:" "No, I'll go." "COOP:" "I owe you." "I almost got you killed twice already." "BRET:" "Coop, I can't do what you can do." "You gonna get this wagon and these women and children to safety." "BRET:" "I'll go, but it's okay." "Third time lucky." "ANNA: { sighing } Oh, Bret." "BRET:" "I liked it just now when you called me Bret." "One thing." "What, Bret?" "When you gonna bluff, never tap your fingernails on your teeth." "That's your second giveaway." "Even at a time like this, you think of others." "BRET: { Gasps }" "Goodbye, my lady." "BRET:" "You were right, Coop." "I never felt better in my life than I do right now." "COOP:" "Take care of yourself." "BRET:" "Well, now when they..." "{ Laughs }" "{laughing }... cut my hands off, my lucky shirt'll fit." "ANNA: { Gasps }" "Bye, Bret." "{ People say goodbye }" "JOE: { Whispering } What was that about?" "My throat's killing me." "BRET:" "Tell you later." "JOE:" "Tell me later." "BRET: { Whispering } I could die happy right now." "{ Bret and Indian children laughing }" "BRET:" "I'm just trying to..." "Will you slow down?" "BRET:" "I can't get my..." "Where'd you get this useless piece of junk?" "JOE:" "I won it off a Russian at poker." "Okay, watch out for it!" "JOE:" "My bicycle!" "Look at that!" "BRET: { Groaning } I think I'll stick to a horse." "{ Groans } Why are they laughing?" "JOE:" "Nobody's ever ridden it before." "BRET: { Gasps } Ooh, hey!" "You sure do pick the spots." "Yeah, I know." "Next time you people come to drive us off, I'll find piece of swampland so awful maybe you'll leave us alone." "{ Laughter from children among teepees }" "{ Drums and chants }" "BRET:" "Is that good?" "JOE:" "Nah." "BRET:" "What's with the drums and war paint and horses?" "What are you doing?" "JOE:" "We had a kind of a lousy year." "Not much hunting." "So when this Russian archduke, who gave me the bike he came and wanted to see the real West, I said, 'Okay.'" "He pays well." "We get all dressed up in war paint and whoop around like idiots." "He wants me to speak like they say in books: 'How, white man!" "'" "You people are such assholes!" "JOE:" "Of course he's got to hear the war drums all the time!" "It gets on my nerves." "JOE:" "You'll move on, you'll have the cash." "What's eating you?" "JOE: { Clears throat } Bret." "BRET:" "What?" "{ Inhales } I don't have the $ 1,000 I owe you." "{ Gasping } Oh, I knew you'd say that." "JOE:" "I'm sorry, man." "You'll get it as soon as I change my rubles into dollars." "BRET:" "When will that be?" "The big game's only a few days away." "JOE:" "The big game." "You need $25,000 to get into that." "You're crazy." "BRET:" "I know that. { Sighs } I suppose I have to win the $3,000 a day or so before." "With your $1,000, I'll only have to win $2,000." "JOE:" "Wait a minute!" "You've got $22,000?" "Cash?" "BRET:" "It's not frog skins." "{Joe gasps }" "JOE:" "I've never seen $22,000." "BRET:" "I've never seen 25." "This is terrible!" "Where is it?" "Can I see it?" "Why not?" "JOE:" "Can I touch it?" "BRET:" "You can roll in it." "JOE:" "Where is it?" "BRET:" "Where else?" "JOE:" "What is this stuff?" "{ Spits }" "JOE:" "Oh, ha, ha, ha!" "Very funny." "BRET:" "What?" "{ Bret gasps }" "BRET:" "It's..." "It's newspaper!" "{ Bret grunts and groans }" "JOE:" "You all right?" "Was it the food?" "BRET:" "No, no, no!" "BRET: { Gasping } I'm gonna kill her!" "Annabelle!" "JOE:" "What?" "BRET:" "Annabelle!" "BRET:" "How could she rob me when I was going off to face my doom?" "You were to cut my hands off and she robbed me anyway!" "JOE:" "Pull yourself together, man!" "Everybody's looking." "JOE:" "I got your money right here." "I just wanted to see how you'd react." "I was just teasing you." "{ Bret laughs }" "{Joe laughs }" "BRET: { Laughing } You teasing?" "I don't like being teased." "JOE:" "I'll kill you!" "You'll be dead and I'll be happy." "JOE:" "Wait!" "BRET:" "What?" "JOE:" "Did you say, 'dead'?" "BRET:" "Yes." "JOE:" "I just got an idea!" "{ Speaks in Russian }" "{ Ring }" "{ Archduke laughs }" "JOE: { Mutters } Big asshole." "JOE:" "Ah, bonjour, Monseigneur." "JOE:" "Comment allez-vous?" "ARCHDUKE:" "C'est la langue des missionaires." "ARCHDUKE:" "Parle anglais." "JOE:" "How, white man!" "ARCHDUKE:" "Hello, Noble Savage." "I've had a terrible day." "I kill every animal in sight and it's boring me." "JOE:" "Boring?" "JOE:" "Maybe His Largeness be interested in greatest Western thrill of all." "ARCHDUKE:" "What is it?" "JOE:" "Come, come!" "ARCHDUKE: { Whispering } What is best Western thrill?" "JOE: { Whispering } Kill Injun." "JOE:" "Shh!" "ARCHDUKE:" "Is it legal?" "JOE:" "White man been doing it for years, but much wampum needed." "How much?" "JOE:" "Uh..." "One thousand." "ARCHDUKE:" "One thousand?" "You wouldn't have to tie him." "That doesn't seem sporting." "No, he'll lose, but easy hit." "Dying anyway." "Smoke too much tobacco." "{ Coughs }" "JOE:" "Put out of misery." "Deal?" "ARCHDUKE:" "Deal." "JOE:" "Me go find and give him courage." "Indian law say death is private thing." "You wait here." "BRET:" "Psst!" "Hey!" "JOE:" "Bret?" "BRET:" "Well, who else?" "Did you fix his gun?" "JOE:" "He wouldn't let go of it." "BRET:" "That's great!" "What's in it for me if I die?" "I got him up to $500." "BRET: 500?" "Worth the risk." "Let's get it over with." "JOE: $250 a piece." "BRET:" "I'm the one taking all the risk." "Why do you need $250?" "JOE:" "Shh!" "{ Clears throat }" "JOE:" "So, Arch!" "JOE:" "Look sick." "{ Bret coughs }" "ARCHDUKE:" "Tell him to start running." "JOE:" "No, no, no." "Wrong!" "Why?" "I don't want to lose the light." "JOE:" "Injun shot by white man's weapon not reach Happy Hunting Ground." "JOE:" "Injun die by Indian way." "ARCHDUKE:" "I never used one of those." "Never!" "JOE:" "Psst!" "{ Clears throat }" "JOE:" "Real easy, see?" "{ Archduke growls }" "{ Archduke inhales }" "{Thwack }" "{ Archduke groans }" "ARCHDUKE:" "No wonder you people were so easy to conquer." "Give me it!" "JOE: $2,000." "ARCHDUKE: $2,000?" "ARCHDUKE: $2,000." "Give me that." "{ Bret gasps and pants }" "JOE: { Grunts } Come, come!" "{ Bret grunts }" "{Joe screeches } BRET:" "Shit!" "{ Gun fires }" "ARCHDUKE:" "I killed him." "{ Laughs }" "I really killed him!" "ARCHDUKE:" "Are you just going to leave him for the vultures?" "JOE:" "Never liked him much anyway." "Come, we get the money now." "JOE:" "Partner, we did it!" "{ Laughs }" "BRET:" "We did it." "Yeah, 'we' did it." "BRET:" "Son of a bitch!" "He could have killed me!" "BRET:" "Arrows missing my head, bullets whiz..." "JOE:" "We had to make it look real." "BRET:" "Real?" "You knew he's gonna miss me by this much!" "JOE:" "Shoot this." "BRET:" "You shoot it." "JOE:" "I'll show you something." "BRET:" "I'll give you a 5-second start." "JOE:" "I saved your life!" "BRET:" "What?" "JOE:" "Shoot it." "I'll show you." "BRET:" "Ow!" "BRET:" "That's not funny." "JOE:" "Hurts, doesn't it?" "JOE:" "Anybody who shoots my bow can't use their hand for half a day." "{Joe laughs }" "JOE:" "And fresh from the mint." "All yours." "You earned it." "BRET:" "I'd kiss you, but there's people." "JOE:" "Don't do that." "JOE:" "So..." "I guess you'll be going now." "BRET:" "How will I explain I got away with my hands still attached?" "JOE:" "Tell them you got us all drunk and escaped in the confusion." "BRET:" "Nobody'll believe that." "It's stupid." "JOE:" "You people believe anything." "Besides, that's not $500." "JOE:" "I got the big dunce up to $1,000." "BRET:" "From $500 to $1,000?" "JOE:" "Who's the best?" "BRET:" "He would've gone for $2,000." "JOE:" "Uh, no!" "That's pushing it, really." "BRET:" "All I need now is another $2,000." "JOE:" "You'll win it soon." "BRET:" "With my luck, I'll lose this 1,000." "JOE:" "Hey, what's this?" "You insult me by counting it?" "BRET:" "I'm sorry Joseph, but lately, even my close friends have stiffed me." "JOE:" "Oh, hey, Mav!" "What are friends for?" "{Joe laughs }" "{ Laughter}" "BRET:" "Yeah." "It's all there, isn't it?" "BRET:" "I had to hotfoot it out of there  as it wouldn 't be long before Joseph had a scheme  to help me reinvest my newly-acquired thousand." "CHILDREN:" "Goodbye, Bert." "BRET:" "The $2,000 wasn 't the only thing I was short on." "I was really getting short on time." "BRET:" "Hey!" "{ Groans }" "BRET:" "Hey!" "{ Grunts }" "{ Click }" "ANGEL:" "Should've paid your cowhands a little more." "Lucky for you, I don't mind being made a fool of." "ANGEL:" "If you hadn't done what you did, I might've let you live." "{ Bret groans and pants }" "But now I won't." "{ Chuckles }" "BRET:" "It occurred to me, before I blacked out, he might be teasing." "And then again  maybe not." "{ Hissing }" "{ Horse whinnies }" "BRET:" "Whoa, whoa!" "BRET: { Straining } Whoa." "{ Straining } Whoa!" "{ Groans }" "All right, Lord." "That's enough." "{ Stammering } I've found humility." "If you could get me out of this, I don't mean to be too presumptuous, but... { Choking } Whoa." "{ Rattling }" "Let's go!" "{ Grunting } Go, Ollie, go!" "Thank you, Lord." "All right, Ollie." "You can stop now." "{ Grunting } Ollie, you can stop!" "You can stop, Ollie." "{ Coughs } You can stop." "Thattaboy!" "{ Pants and coughs }" "{ Groans }" "{ Grunts }" "{ Grunting } All right, Ollie!" "{ Horse whinnies }" "{ Straining } Don't go, Ollie!" "BRET:" "Stay there, pal." "Come on!" "All right!" "No!" "No, no." "Don't run!" "{ Bret mutters }" "Ollie!" "{ Steam whistle }" "{ Laughter and music from steamboat }" "ANNA:" "Bret!" "Bret!" "Bret Maverick!" "Look at you." "My hero's alive and well." "You seem happy." "Well, I am." "ANNA:" "How ever did you escape from those hostiles?" "I'm not exactly a whole man anymore." "{ Anna gasps }" "{ Bret grunts }" "ANNA:" "Oh, Bret." "My beautiful, beautiful, perfect male. { Sighs }" "I don't want to seem too forward, but I was wondering, could you loan me $4,000?" "ANNA:" "I've only been able to brake even at the poker tables these last few days." "That means you can't enter." "Well, Mrs. B., if it was within my power, I'd give you that money in a heartbeat." "The problem is, I'm $2,000 short myself." "ANNA:" "And my poor, pure heart was just set on it." "ARCHDUKE: { yelling } This wine is for peasants!" "BRET:" "Well, set on this, Mrs. Bransford." "BRET:" "You just stay as pure as you are right now and I'll be back a couple of minutes." "WOMAN:" "Hunting savages, wasn't that dangerous?" "ARCHDUKE:" "It's primitive, but I like killing." "BRET:" "Excuse me, sir, have I word with you, excuse me?" "ARCHDUKE:" "Do you know who I am?" "BRET:" "No, but I do know who I am." "Maverick, Indian Affairs." "BRET:" "It's over for you, Dukey." "Joseph talked." "ARCHDUKE:" "I don't know anyone with that name." "BRET:" "That's funny because that exactly what he said about you when I starting investigated the murder." "BRET:" "But once he got in jail, he told the truth, and I think you will too." "{ Stammers } But, I no American." "Murder's murder, Dukey." "You looking in a minimum of 10 years in jail and a $6,000 fine." "{ Stammering } Six...?" "Wait, wait!" "I have six, six, six thousand." "ARCHDUKE:" "I have 6,000." "Please help me..." "BRET:" "Do you realise the penalty involved for bribing someone an Indian Affairs?" "ARCHDUKE:" "No, please, I'm going home." "Take the 6." "Fix it." "ARCHDUKE:" "Take, take!" "BRET:" "All right." "BRET:" "The courts are overworked." "I'll give you a break." "BRET:" "Don't shoot any more Indians." "BRET:" "All right?" "ARCHDUKE:" "No, no, no more." "{ Annabelle giggles }" "BRET:" "Excuse me, has there been an accident?" "Miss Annabelle, have I word with you?" "Excuse me, gentlemen." "GAMBLER 1:" "Good luck, Miss Annabelle." "ANNA:" "Gentlemen." "BRET:" "I got something I need to show you." "Close your eyes, Annabelle." "BRET:" "You're in the game!" "{ Screams } I'm in the game!" "BRET:" "Best be quiet." "ANNA:" "Your goodness has no end?" "BRET:" "Apparently not." "Heaven will kiss you for this one, Mr. Maverick." "You know, I just realized something." "What?" "You can't help it, can you?" "You are irresistible." "BRET:" "Now if by some small chance you should happen to win, I'll expect my 50%." "ANNA:" "Then I'll be expecting my 50% of your winnings, Mr. Maverick." "BRET:" "Perhaps we should just consider that a loan." "{ Steamboat whistles }" "ANGEL:" "Let him go!" "ANGEL:" "How'd you get here?" "Tell me!" "BRET:" "No, you tell me what did you mean, when you said you'd never let me make it to this game?" "Who's trying to stop me?" "You know, it's gonna be a real pleasure playing you again." "Well, the pleasure's all yours." "ANGEL:" "Come on." "ANGEL:" "All right, all right!" "Come on." "COMMODORE:" "Hey!" "COMMODORE:" "My, my, my!" "COMMODORE:" "Hey, hit it!" "{ Gong clangs }" "COMMODORE:" "Welcome to my ship the Lauren Belle." "And welcome to the first ever Annual All River's Draw Poker Championship." "{ Crowd cheers }" "Rules are simple." "We play till we drop." "Winner takes all." "The dealer can call one break of one hour." "As soon as you busted, you're gone." "{ Crowd murmurs } 20 players, which means there's going to be 19 broken hearts." "{ Crowd murmurs and giggles }" "COMM:" "Let's make it a great contest." "An honest, great contest." "And for that reason I've imported one of the West's most remarkable lawmen." "COMM:" "Marshal Zane Cooper." "COMM:" "Gonna shows have a run things." "{ Crowd cheers }" "Come on up here, Coop." "COOP:" "Thank you, Commodore Duvall." "Now players, anyone caught cheating is gonna forfeit his entry fee and is banned." "See these?" "COOP:" "They're the only 2 allowed here." "Anyone breaking rules better be a faster draw than me." "COOP:" "And better learn how to swim." "{ Clunk }" "{ Crowd laughs }" "COOP:" "Thank you, sir." "COOP:" "Commodore." "COMM:" "All right, gamblers step right up and bring your money." "{ Crowd cheers }" "BRET:" "After you." "COMM:" "$25,000." "HIGHTOWER:" "That's correct." "Here." "COOP:" "Make your mark right here." "Thank you, sir." "COOP:" "Put your money in and make your mark here right." "Thank you, good luck to you." "{ Sighing } Here it is." "I'll take good care of it." "Count that, would you?" "It's all there." "I'm sure it is." "{ Commodore chuckles }" "COMM:" "The games will begin in 10 minutes." "{ Crowd cheers }" "COOP:" "Ladies and gentlemen, if we had $25,000 more, we'd have a half-million." "COOP:" "We're minus one entry fee." "COMM:" "What?" "!" "COOP:" "I believe it's yours, Commodore." "{ Crowd laughs }" "COOP:" "Do I need to count it?" "CROWD: { Cheering } Yeah!" "COMM:" "I don't think so, Coop." "COOP:" "Even half-million." "{ Cheering }" "COOP:" "This safe was brought in specially for this contest." "I selected the combination." "I'm the only one that knows it." "Commodore, the money's as protected as I can make it." "COMM:" "There it is." "Gamblers find your designated table and let's play some poker!" "{ Crowd cheers }" "5,000." "{ Laughs }" "My pot." "ANGEL:" "I'll call you." "GAMBLER 1:" "Gentlemen four kings." "{ Crowd claps }" "COOP:" "All right, young man." "Let's go." "Hold on." "WOMAN IN CROWD:" "{ Yelling } Hey!" "GAMBLER 2:" "You cheating son of a bitch!" "COOP:" "Sit down!" "I'll handle this." "GAMBLER 3:" "I knew it was him!" "GAMBLER 1:" "Don't touch my chips!" "{ Crowd murmurs }" "GAMBLER 1:" "Hang on a second!" "Wait!" "GAMBLER 1:" "Where are you taking me?" "GAMBLER 1:" "I can't swim!" "{ Splash }" "{ Crowd cheers }" "GAMBLER 4:" "Gentlemen, my pleasure." "MULDER:" "Kings over tens, gentlemen." "MULDER:" "Ripped my shirt!" "COOP:" "Time to go for a swim, sir." "You divide the chips among the players." "GAMBLER 5:" "You son of a bitch!" "COOP:" "Sorry, old-timer, that's it." "{ Crowd murmurs }" "{ Crowd yells }" "COOP:" "Sir." "MULDER:" "If you don't mind." "COOP:" "At your pleasure, sir." "MULDER:" "Thank you, Mr. Coop." "{ Splash }" "{ Crowd cheers }" "GAMBLER 5:" "Thank you, gentlemen." "GAMBLER 6:" "Good game, Hightower." "DEALER:" "Hightower retires." "{ Crowd claps }" "Oh!" "4 queens." "DEALER 2:" "Congratulations." "Your chips'll be waiting at the main table." "Good luck in the final game." "DEALER 3:" "Full house, kings over aces." "COMM:" "That's a good hand." "That beats 1 2 3 sevens." "But not 4." "What?" "{ Laughs }" "{ Blubbers } I didn't..." "DEALER 3:" "Sir, why don't you go to the bar?" "DEALER 3:" "You'll feel better if you get fresh air." "Here we go." "Watch your step." "{ Coop sighs }" "COMM:" "Oh, I hate those sad losers." "COOP:" "If you can't afford the play, you shouldn't play." "COMM:" "How's it look?" "COOP:" "It looks like you, Mrs. Bransford, the Spaniard and, unless a miracle happens, Maverick." "COMM:" "Maverick, huh?" "COMM:" "Well, as soon it's decided, call a break for an hour and let's set it up at that table right there." "GAMBLER 7:" "Well, partner, I was gonna leave you something, but as you can see, I'm cleaned out." "DEALER 4:" "You're a hell of a player." "GAMBLER 7:" "Ma'am, it's the most I enjoyed losing." "GAMBLER 7:" "Adios." "ANNA:" "That's for you." "DEALER 4:" "Thank you, ma'am." "DEALER 4:" "Congratulations." "Don't worry about your chips." "I'll see that set up for the next game." "GAMBLER 8:" "Good luck to you, son." "DEALER 1:" "Mr. Maverick, leave your chips here, make shure I'll get them transfer to the final game." "Congratulations." "{ Rip }" "{ Clock rings }" "{ Clock rings }" "The players can take a one hour break." "Anyone not back in their seat at the stroke of five, forfeit their winnings." "BRET: { Whispering } Annabelle." "ANNA: { Whispering } Bret." "BRET:" "Annabelle!" "BRET: { Stammering } I... though..." "Good morning." "{ Bret grunts }" "{ Screams from inside cabin }" "BRET:" "Sorry. { Gasps }" "{ Bret grunts }" "{ Door slams }" "BELLMAN: { Ring } 30 minutes, everybody." "30 minutes to the final game." "{ Bret gasps and pants }" "He's a good 4 minutes fast." "BELLMAN:" "30 minutes..." "CHIP MAN:" "Positions, sir?" "COOP:" "Dealer over there." "Give me the cards." "BELLMAN: { Ring } 15 minutes, everybody." "BELLMAN: 15 minutes to the final game." "BRET:" "Maybe we better get serious." "CATHY:" "Ooh!" "WAYLON:" "Here." "COOP:" "I've got it, if you don't mind." "Madam, we have rules about that on board ship." "That's my gun." "COOP:" "Oh, it's your gun?" "WAYLON:" "Yeah, it's mine." "COOP:" "Do you swim?" "Swim?" "No." "But she does and it's her gun." "COOP:" "And this one?" "COOP:" "Is this hers too?" "WAYLON:" "I'm just carrying it for her." "CATHY:" "What?" "COOP:" "Madam, is this your husband?" "WAYLON:" "How about a little boat?" "COOP:" "A little boat?" "{ Annabelle grunts }" "COOP:" "Well, Mrs. Bransford, you look particularly ravishing for 5 in the morning." "Nice glow about you." "Five minutes, Mr. Maverick!" "{ Ring }" "{ Ring }" "{ Ring, ring }" "COOP:" "Dealer start dividing up Maverick's chips." "Looks like he's gonna be a no-show." "DEALER:" "Yes, sir." "{ Bret grunts }" "{ Bret gasps }" "{ Gong }" "{ Gong }" "{ Gong }" "{ Gong }" "{ Gong }" "BRET:" "Wait!" "{ Crowd murmurs }" "BRET:" "Excuse me." "{ Crowd applauds }" "{ Bret sighs }" "COOP:" "All right, dealer." "You can start the game." "DEALER:" "Ante up, everyone." "$50." "BRET:" "A thousand and two more." "ANNA:" "I'll see your $2,000 and..." "Can I just bid everything I have?" "DEALER:" "Yes, ma'am." "ANNA:" "That'll be $12,000." "COMM:" "Too rich for my blood." "ANGEL:" "I'm out." "{ Bret exhales }" "BRET:" "What the hell!" "I feel like being silly." "I'll call." "{ Bret clears throat }" "It's just a pair of sixes." "If you can beat that, you got me licked." "It's not a totally unpleasant prospect." "{ Crowd laughs }" "ANNA:" "I'm out of the game." "I'm out." "You put me out of the game." "BRET:" "Yes, I did." "ANNA:" "I didn't do any of my tells." "I didn't twirl my hair or flick my teeth." "BRET: { Inhales } You held your breath." "No, I wasn't." "ANNA:" "Did I hold my breath?" "COMM:" "Yes." "ANNA:" "Did I hold my breath?" "ANNA:" "Did I?" "BRET:" "See?" "BRET:" "Sorry." "See, usually when you get excited, and you breathe heavily." "How do you..." "I'll just pretend I was playing with somebody else's money." "BRET:" "That shouldn't be hard." "ANNA:" "Gentlemen." "{ Applause }" "COOP:" "You did hold your breath, Mrs. Bransford." "DEALER:" "Ante up." "{ Whistle }" "DEALER:" "You, Commodore, open." "I'll open for $5,000." "HIGHTOWER: 5,000?" "ANGEL:" "I'll see your 5 and another 5." "DEALER: 10,000 to you, Mr. Maverick." "BRET:" "Call." "COMM:" "And 5 more to me." "DEALER:" "Cards, gentlemen?" "2 cards, please." "DEALER:" "Sir?" "ANGEL: 2." "DEALER:" "Mr. Maverick." "BRET:" "I'll take one card, but not from you." "Put the deck down." "BRET:" "I'd like a new deck, new cut and a new shuffle." "Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Maverick, that isn't permitted in the rules." "COOP:" "But you can have a new dealer, if you like, that's it." "BRET:" "Oh, in that case, I'd like you to deal." "ANGEL:" "Me?" "BRET:" "Just one from the top and been sufficient." "ANGEL:" "I like that." "Shows trust." "The Commodore has 4 of a kind, Angel has a small straight flush and I don't know what Maverick has." "DEALER:" "It's up to you, Commodore." "COMM:" "It looks like I'm sucking hind tit, so I'll just bet everything." "DEALER:" "The Commodore wagers $25,000." "{ Crowd gasps }" "ANGEL:" "I'll see your 25." "ANGEL:" "I guess we're about even." "I'm gonna raise you everything I've got." "{ Crowd murmurs }" "That's half a million dollars to the winner." "BRET:" "That should cover the Commodore." "Aren't you going to look at your card?" "No need." "ANGEL:" "What are you playing at, Maverick?" "Look at your card." "Well, I'd look at my card if I were you, son. { Laughs }" "DEALER:" "This is your portion of the pot, Commodore." "What kind of poker you playing?" "Look at that card, damn card!" "DEALER:" "Cards have been called, Commodore." "You show your cards." "I have 2 small pair." "COMM:" "Eights and eights." "{ Crowd gasps and applauds }" "Thank you." "You not going look at you card?" "Well how you going to know if you can beat my straight flush?" "{ Crowd gasps }" "{ Crowd applauds }" "GAMBLER 4: { Laughing } Unbeatable!" "DEALER:" "The ten of spades." "DEALER:" "The jack of spades." "DEALER:" "Queen of spades and the king of spades." "DEALER:" "A possible royal flush." "{ Crowd cheers }" "DEALER:" "Quiet!" "Quiet!" "{ Crowd sighs }" "{ Crowd cheers }" "ANNA:" "You beat him!" "You did it!" "You miserable cheating son of a bitch!" "{ Screaming from crowd }" "{ Crowd gasps and murmurs }" "BRET: { Whimpering } Ha!" "ANNA:" "You all right?" "BRET:" "I can't believe I pulled that card." "I..." "Did I ever tell you about the desert, snakes..." "ANNA:" "You're babbling." "Shh!" "You're babbling." "COMM:" "Coop, your security isn't worth a damn!" "Everybody's got a gun!" "COMM:" "And now, ladies and gents for our presentation of one-half million dollars to our winner Mr. Maverick!" "{ Crowd cheers }" "COOP:" "Mr. Maverick, I want to congratulate you on a game well played." "I wish your moment could last a little longer but, you know, I see all this money." "And hell, I just gotta take it." "What?" "Oh, I'm gonna have moment for regret, I'm sure, but I'm gonna take it nevertheless." "Now, just move down the steps." "{ Laughter}" "This is no time to be brave, Bertie boy." "COOP:" "Down the stairs, now." "You too, Commodore." "Move it!" "BELLHOP:" "I'll care your bag, sir." "COOP:" "Get your hands off." "Get away from here!" "Down the stairs." "Move!" "BRET:" "You son of a bitch!" "I worked my ass off for that half million." "I'll be coming for it." "I'll look for you." "BRET:" "Then you better be look real hard!" "That's my money." "Was your money." "{ Crowd screams }" "COMM:" "All right, do as he said!" "{ Crowd screams }" "COOP:" "I don't want to see any faces looking this way, you know." "COMM:" "Captain!" "CAPTAIN:" "Yes, sir?" "COMM:" "Get my gun." "CAPTAIN:" "Yes, sir." "CAPTAIN:" "He's headed for my lifeboat." "COMM:" "Trying stop him!" "COMM:" "Get away!" "I'll kill that son of a bitch!" "COOP:" "Go, go, go!" "{ Crowd murmurs }" "Ah, ha!" "COMM:" "There he is." "BRET:" "Let him go!" "COMM:" "Let him go?" "!" "BRET:" "Let him go." "The man saved my life!" "BRET:" "I can always win more money." "Anyway, I found out what I came here for it." "COMM:" "Do I have to remind you there's $500,000 in that satchel that bastard's making all?" "BRET:" "And it grieves me, but it's my half million." "Hell, it's only money, right, folks?" "CROWD:" "Right!" "COMM:" "Only money?" "!" "BRET:" "It's not worth taking a man's life over." "CROWD:" "No!" "I won't swear out a warrant against him." "COMM:" "Well, I'll be damned!" "{ Laughing } I will be damned!" "COMM:" "Let's have a toast to our champion." "COMM:" "Our champion!" "{ Crowd cheers }" "{ Steamboat whistles }" "COMM:" "Fiddle that Coop!" "COMM:" "Goodbye!" "ANNA: { Sighs } Well..." "BRET:" "Oh, here." "BRET:" "I meant to give you this." "I took it from you on the stage." "I thought, you should have it." "ANNA:" "I, actually, that meant to give you this cufflink I took before you left with the Indians." "BRET:" "I've been looking for it." "Yeah, I have." "It's all right." "ANNA: { Whispering } Well bye." "{ Exhales }" "You gonna miss me?" "You gonna miss me?" "You're gonna miss me." "ANNA:" "How do you know that?" "BRET:" "You were holding your breath." "ANNA:" "I was not." "Maybe I was." "ANNA:" "Well, I..." "ANNA:" "I guess, I better go make my stage." "ANNA:" "See you in Abilene." "New Orleans, wasn't it?" "ANNA:" "Either." "{ Holds breath }" "{ Snap }" "{ Horse whinnies }" "Where the hell have you been?" "Well, I had to say goodbye to a lot of people." "I didn't want them thinking I was running off to meet somebody." "COMM:" "And I did a lot of twists and turns and backtracked a lot to keep anyone from following me." "COOP:" "I thought we were in this thing together." "You win, I do nothing." "Somebody else wins, I do what I did." "Why didn't you tell me Angel was in it too." "COMM:" "Oh." "Well, if Angel had won, we'd split it the same way." "COMM:" "The reason I brought him in... well, I telegraphed him to keep Maverick out of the game." "He messed up on that." "Poor, dead bastard." "I don't like secrets." "COMM:" "Yes, well, probably you won't like this one either." "I don't know, what it is,S I guess it's my greedy nature." "But I've decided..." "{ Click } ...not to share with you." "{ Click }" "Uncock it." "BRET:" "Sit down, gentlemen." "BRET:" "Let's get real cozy." "Parlay some." "{ Laughing } Put your hands down." "You look ridiculous!" "I got to admit, you had me fooled." "Not many can." "BRET:" "But you did save my life." "So, I figure, it wouldn't be neighborly to kill you." "Besides everybody knows what you are now, anyway." "All your life's work, all what you did it's all been wiped away." "Was it worth it?" "You got nothing to show for it." "COOP:" "What you said before it's all true." "I traded every decent thing I know for that money." "You can't leave me alive." "I don't care where you go one night you'll relax." "Guess who'll be waiting." "{ Chuckles }" "BRET: { Laughing } You couldn't sneak up on a corpse, Coop." "Not anymore." "You're just an old decrepit has-been." "Well, what're you gonna do?" "Maybe the fairest thing would be let one of you just kill the other." "I'll let you decide which." "{ Commodore and Coop gasp }" "COOP:" "Oh!" "{ Grunts }" "COMM:" "Give me that!" "{ Commodore laughs }" "COMM:" "That..." "{ Click } ...as they say, is that!" "{ Gasps }" "{ Clunk } COMM:" "Oh, shit!" "{ Laughs }" "{ Commodore grunts and groans }" "{ Commodore gasps }" "COOP:" "You dirty rotten, double-crossed..." "I've never committed a cold-blooded murder in my life." "{ Pants }" "But I won't." "Not till I find Maverick." "{ Sighs }" "{ Click }" "Decrepit old has-been?" "Couldn't sneak up on a corpse?" "COOP:" "You got $500,000 in that satchel over there and your gun is 8 feet away." "Not smart." "Not smart at all." "BRET:" "Guess not." "Well, I guess, it's plain to see who won the toss-up, won't you?" "You shoot the Commodore in the back, did you?" "COOP:" "No." "Good idea, but no." "I really enjoyed nailing that bastard." "Just no room in poker for cheats." "COOP:" "That one gambling won't be able touch a deck of cards, this side of the Mississippi." "BRET:" "You know, my old pappy always used to say 'There is no more deeply moving religious experience than cheating a cheater.'" "COOP:" "I never said that once." "You've misquoted me all your life." "BRET:" "Are we quibbling fine points?" "COOP:" "I'm sick of it!" "{ Bret gurgles and gasps }" "BRET:" "Well, I think, the things you said were always so dumb I had to improve them." "COOP:" "Dumb, huh?" "BRET:" "Will you cut that out, Pappy!" "These are a buck apiece." "You taught me to save money." "COOP:" "Really?" "Let me have one." "BRET:" "Yeah, those are the good ones." "COOP:" "They are?" "COOP:" "You got a match?" "MRS. D:" "Bret, Coop, everything good?" "Enough cigars, brandy, hot water?" "MRS. D:" "Yell if you need anything." "COOP:" "Yes, Mrs. D." "{ Sighs }" "{ Click }" "ANNA:" "Well, I certainly hope this shirt fits you." "It's from the fine shirtmaker in San Francisco." "COOP:" "Oh, isn't she sweet?" "BRET:" "That's a hell of a shirt, but she's robbing us." "Look at this!" "Here's a lot of money and your gun is 6 feet away from you." "BRET  COOP:" "Eight!" "What a remarkable family." "BRET:" "How'd she figure?" ".." "How'd you figure that?" "ANNA:" "Hey, you don't have the exclusive on tells." "You both have the same height, the same build." "You both kiss the same way, you both draw your guns the same way and sing the wrong words to 'Amazing Grace.'" "BRET  COOP:" "We do not!" "ANNA:" "Hm." "Hm." "My!" "Such splendid similarities." "From the looks of things, the lady better bring more hot water." "Bye!" "COOP:" "Bret, son, you know what we ended up with?" "A $500,000 silk shirt." "BRET:" "Nope." "We ended up with a $250,000 silk shirt because my old pappy always said, 'Never put the cart before...'" "No. 'Don't count...' No." "'Don't put your eggs in one basket.'" "COOP:" "Now that, I said." "BRET:" "So I have a boot for you." "COOP:" "A boot?" "BRET:" "Here." "And the other one's twice a heavier than that one." "{ Coop chuckles }" "COOP:" "Ah, Bret, that's my boy!" "BRET:" "What are kids for?" "Give back the boot." "COOP:" "Be my guest." "BRET:" "Thank you." "Nice boots." "I don't know why I left the other half in the satchel." "COOP:" "I do." "BRET: { Laughing } So do I." "BRET:" "It's gonna be lots of fun getting it back." "COOP:" "Bret." "BRET:" "Yes, sir?" "COOP:" "Something I got to know, son." "How did you come up with that ace of spades?" "You are not gonna believe me." "I'm your father, I'll believe you." "Magic." "Magic?" "Magic." "I believe you." "Thanks." "Subtitled by Filou and others, recast and edited by Demon"