"CHRIS:" "And so, many historians believe that the Smoot-Hawley Tariff Act actually caused the Great Depression." "Or did it?" "MALE STUDENT:" "Your class sucks!" "You think I need this?" "!" "I used to teach at Bedford College!" "Bedford..." "College!" "Only a week, and you've landed on your feet." "(chuckles) Can't believe I was worried about you." "I am substitute-teaching at a community college, and at night I sling vape juice." " Still doing ya thang." " You... ruined my life." "Dr. Cobell, my idol and mentor, won't even speak to me." "I am really..." "I'm-I'm so sorry about that." " Mm-hmm." " Shifting gears." "Hancock and Adams are missing, and I thought that they would come back, but they didn't." "I could really use your help to find them." " So?" " If I don't locate them, that could, like, ruin history, right?" "Dan, listen up." "Are you trying to... point at me?" "'Cause you-you're way off." "Dan, listen up." "I hate to embarrass you." "You overcorrected." "Split the diff." " Dan..." " Nailed it." "because of you, I have no job." "I'm blind!" "My apartment is trashed and my car is destroyed." "And I have been dying to really let you have it." "Oh, boy." "So it is with great pleasure that I can finally say... screw you." "Okay." "Let me have it." "That was the medicine." "Screw you." "That was... that was the thing I was saying." "(door closes, bell jingles)" "What are you doing?" "Well, inventory." "We have 762 scoops." "We're three short." "Oh, no." "I guess it's another attack of the ice cream ghost." " Spooky." " Well," " how did it go with Chris?" "Did he forgive you?" " No." "He is really mad at me." "I haven't seen him this angry since the time we got in a fight over whether or not Tupac was still alive." "Well, you're both right." "He lives on through his music." "This time the rage is justifiable from Chris." "I... totally ruined his life." "That's bad." "Wicked bad." "I do have a plan to get him his job back, though, but I also have to find Hancock and Adams." "You do know that I can track them, though, right?" " What?" "How?" " The same way that I hunt animals... using spoor." "What's spoor?" "Footprints." "Saliva." "Urine." "Feces." "That's a good, gross idea." "(laughs)" "How come you didn't tell me you could do that before?" "I don't know." "I guess I was just waiting for you to ask." "I'm always used to just... needing permission for everything." "Dude... if you have a good idea, just do it." "You know, I read in an article that Mindy Kaling said that it's better to ask forgiveness than to ask permission." "Mindy Kaling." " Mm-hmm." " Well, here I go to collect some feces." "(chuckles) Byesies." "Byesies." "Match point, Dean." "Tell your assistant you'll be back for lunch." "Uh, joke's on you." "I'm not allowed to have an assistant, for reasons I can't talk about." "Come on." " Nice spin on that one." " Been watching my old..." "Jennifer..." "Capriati tapes." "I'm more of a Lindsay Davenport man." " Sabatini!" " Seles!" " Graf!" " Venus!" "♪ ♪" "Here's your funeral, Cobell." "(ball whizzes by)" "Ah-ha-ha-ha!" "Game, set, match!" "Not bad, considering the screw in my ankle." " Uh, you think?" " Uh-huh." " (laughing) - (laughing)" "Ah, water?" "No, I never touch the stuff." "Uh, Dr. Cobell?" "DEAN:" "If it isn't Dan, Dan, the heating man," " takes a pee in a garbage can." " Fixes the temperature like no one can." "Fixes the temperature like no one can." " Stop!" " Pee in a garbage can." "Dr. Cobell, I found an ancient artifact in my backyard, I believe, and I was wondering" " if you could take a look at it for me." " Well, many discoveries were made by total nobodies." "Come, help me find my giant magnifying glass." "♪ ♪" "That's a button." "Is it worth anything?" "Why are you here?" "Because Chris Parish is my best friend." " Does he know that?" " He will, once I convince you to give him his job back." " And why should I do that?" " Because, sir, if you get inside this bag with me..." "I will make all your wildest dreams come true." "Thank you, but I've already had sex today." "Sorry," "I should have said that this bag is a time machine." "You don't have to make up lies because you've been rejected." "(sighs)" "Dr. Cobell, you knew my father Lester, right?" " Lester, Lester, the physics professor?" " Yes!" "He was a great man a-and a genius." "He did hint about having made an incredible breakthrough." "But that can't be." "The power to travel through time?" "This is an actual time machine, and if you get in it with me," "I will take you wherever you want to go throughout history." " (harp playing arpeggios)" " History." "♪ ♪" "Wow." "What's with the get-up?" "I want to go back to Times Square on VJ Day, 1945, and kiss the girls." "Okay." "Just so you know, you will be the same age you are now when we get there." "Well, that's their problem, not mine." "(moaning)" "(continues moaning)" "Kissy, kissy, kissy." "You know, we actually don't have to be touching" " in order for this to work." " I-I'm just so excited." "People used to kiss better in 1945." "Less tongue." " (electrical whining)" " Whatever happened to dry pecking?" "What is the... (grunts) My heart!" "Dr. Cobell..." "I know you're new to the bag, but please shut up." "Dr. Cobell?" "Stop the bag!" "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God, he's dead." "Chris' mentor and idol is dead... he's dead and he's in a tiny sailor suit, and it's all my fault." "Dan, focus!" "What would Chris be yelling at me to do if he was here?" "♪ Ooh, mm, ooh ♪" " ♪ Yeah ♪" " Travel back in time and stop Cobell from getting in the bag." "♪ ♪" "Dr. Cobell," "I am about to come in here and beg you to time-travel with me." "Whatever you do, do not, or..." " ♪ More than just friends... ♪ - (gasps)" "You got to be kidding me." " ♪ ♪" " Dr. Cobell." "Hey, stay away from me, or this will be you." "♪ I played with your heart ♪" " ♪ Got lost in the game... ♪ - (gasping)" "Come on!" "This bag is already heavy." "♪ Oops!" "I did it again ♪" "Don't die!" " ♪ I played with your heart... ♪ - (gasps)" "That one's on me." " ♪ Oops!" "♪" " Dr. Cobell, please read this note." "It will explain everything." "♪ Got lost in the game ♪" "♪ Oh, baby, baby, oops!" "♪" " It would appear this is my destiny." " What?" " (gunshot)" " No!" "♪ I'm not that innocent. ♪" "I know this smell." "ADAMS:" "Spare house?" "Does anyone have a spare house?" "Does anyone have a spare house?" "Samuel Adams, is that you?" "Oh, you look like you're on the brink of death." "Deborah Revere." "What are you doing wandering around without permission?" "Where's Dan?" " I don't need permission." " Oh-ho." " She doesn't need permission." " If you're going" " to scoff at me, I'll just leave." " No, no, no, no, no, no." "Deb, Deb, Deb, Deb, Deb," "I'm sorry. (chuckles)" "Deborah, you know I say crazy stuff when I'm hungry." "(Adams gulping and slurping)" "What's befallen you?" "So, I was in the pub, and I just want to get up on the bar and dance a little, but... a bachelorette party objected." "Naturally, a fight ensues, and I end up sustaining" " some serious wounds." " Did they give you a dirty rag and a bottle of whiskey to clean yourself?" "No." "Because of something called Obama's Care, they did send me to a hospital." "Turns out I need stitches and I have scurvy." "Ugh!" "People in this time are obsessed with citrus!" "So," "I get hit with this huge bill, and I've been living that street life ever since." "What are you doing?" "Cutting my food." "So you pin the food with your little trident to make your tiny sword strokes more effective." "(laughs):" "Deb." "That's brilliant!" "I think you're oversimplifying it a bit, but... basically, yes." " (slurping)" " Tube sipping?" "Deb!" "You truly are a learned woman." "I would be grateful if you would teach me everything you know." "I will." "But I need to find Hancock." "I lost his scent back in Cambridge." "I know." "He's bathing now." "Show me the tube sipping again." "(slurping)" "Oh, I don't have one." "WOMAN:" "Okay, are you ready?" "Take a second." "Let your eyes adjust." "(sighs)" "♪ ♪" "(laughs):" "I can see." "I can see." "Thank God." "Thank you." "♪ ♪" "No, no." "None of that." "Sell!" "I've never seen a worse market!" "Marcus, it's the J-man." "Buy." "No, there's never been a better time." "(chuckles) All right." "So, this is what I do all day, and I snort cocaine off my rowing machine." "That's my life." "How did you end up in such a lavish office so quickly?" "Well, while Sam was making an ass of himself at the bar, I espied a gentleman wearing a Harvard sweater." "He just sat by himself and wore a Harvard sweater?" "Yes." "That's what people who went to Harvard do." "Anyway, we got to talkin', come to find out we're both class of '63." "Different centuries, of course." "He gave me this job and some cocaine, and now I'm rich." "It's the American dream." " (sniffs)" " But you abandoned your friend." "No, I didn't." "I see him daily." "He and his banker friends stop by and pay me to fight with other vagabonds." "Deb, have you heard of bum fights?" "Oh, it's marvelous fun." "And he deserves it because he's poor." "Stop!" "Modern society has changed you so much." "Good." "I love the new me." "Jonathan Hammercock at your service." "ADAMS:" "I wish I could go back to the old me." "This modern world has torn me apart." " HANCOCK:" "Ah, you broke garbage." " Look at him." "He was your best friend in the world just two days ago." "You should be helping him." "Help him?" "Why?" "He's done nothing to help me." "You're not making a rational argument!" "No, I'm making an emotional one." " Emotions?" " In modern times, all that matters is how everyone feels, and right now" "Sam Adams feels bad." "(snorts)" "(sniffling)" "(snorts)" "What's happening to your nose?" "I don't know." "Probably the coke." "Makes me sad that my friend is sad." "I'm not crying." "(crying)" "I am touched by the sympathy from my friend." " I am also not crying." " Deborah, your knowledge of feelings has changed my entire perspective on the world." "Still not crying." "(crying):" "You don't even have to say it at this point." "It's perfectly clear that neither one of us is crying." "(phone rings)" "Hello." "DEBORAH:" "Glorious news." "I found Hancock and Adams, and they've agreed to go back to 1775." "Tell Dan I say hi." "Wow, that is awesome, Deb." "You're right." "I didn't need permission." "So, what's new with you?" "Uh... not much." "Tell Dan I say hi." "Go on and do it." "It's a simple request." "Splendid." "Well, we will see you soon." "Byesies." "Byesies." "What the hell, Deb?" "Oh." "(horn honking)" " (clicking tongue) - (door opens, bell jingles)" "Deb." "Why'd you bring them here?" "I have no interest in these jerks anymore." "They have something they'd like to tell you." "Hmm?" "Chris, we understand you now." "You are a person, and people have feelings." "Before doing something, we should ask ourselves, will this hurt Chris' feelings?" "Or will this leave Chris blind in both eyes?" "Yeah, I wish you would've learned that one sooner." "It was all Deb." "She's a real whiz." "Much better than Dan." "She taught me how to use a fork." "HANCOCK:" "Okay." "I didn't know about that." "That is hurting my feelings." "I'm hearing you, and I want you to feel better, so I am suggesting that we all have a sundae." "That would make me happy." "Chris... checking in with you here." "Sundae?" "Sure." "I have a new batch of rum raisin." "It's in the freezer." "If you go get it, I'll keep an eye on them, because they're insane." "Would you mind doing that, Chris?" "HANCOCK:" "Hurry up now." "I'm excited to have some yummy, rummy raisin in my tummy." "It's a little passive of you to not get up and get it, Chris." "Feel a lot of anger coming off of you," "Chris, but you're not expressing yourself." "You're projecting your anger onto us, Chris," " and that's not fair." " It's not fair, Chris." "It's not fair, Chris." "Okay." "Oh, my God." "This is not the way I wanted to deliver this news." "Oh, hey, you got your bandages off." "Oh, my." "What is this?" " What happened?" " I went to Cobell, and I told him I'd take him anywhere in history if he gave you your job back, so he got in the bag with me, and then he had a heart attack and died." "But why are there so many?" "I kept going back in time to try to stop it from happening, but it kept happening." "Are there any living T.A. Cobells?" "No, there are not." "Seneca said that death is mere relocation." "That's a nice way to look at it." "So, let's toss these guys in a Dumpster." "What?" "No." "Dr. Cobell was everything to me." " He deserves a proper burial." " DAN:" "What are we gonna do, walk six identical bodies into a funeral home?" "My God," " we're gonna go to jail." " First things first, let's start chopping these bodies up." "No chopping." "Why chop them when they could be carried away with balloons?" "He's right." "No one ever thinks to check the sky." "Maybe it's not about where we bury them" " but when we bury them." " (inhales)" "Chris, in exchange for your eternal forgiveness, you may bury your dead mentors on my property in 1775." "ADAMS:" "But, John, not where the pool was going to go?" "Yes, Sam." "Because of Deb's lesson," "I will forgo my pool for our friend, Chris." " ("The Star Spangled Banner" plays)" " Empathy." "Compassion." "That is who Jonathan Hammercock is." "Well, there goes my summer." "(grunting)" "That's the last of it." "The last Cobell." "I've prepared a few words." "When did you have time to do that?" "Was I shoveling more than you?" "I feel like I was shoveling more than you." " Dan." " Sorry." "(instrumental "Amazing Grace" begins)" "Dr. Cobell... ♪ ♪ you were much more than a mentor to me." "After being ostracized for my intellect at a high school that only rewarded football players, you showed me that the classroom is my football stadium... and I'm always on that Jumbotron." "Amen." "You nurtured my knowledge and saw potential in me when no one else did." "Is it published?" "!" "We both taught history, but you made me realize" "(crying): how much history can teach me." "History." "Good-bye, mentor." "Father confessor." "Idol." "Scholar." "Friend." "(gunshot)" "(sniffs)" "DAN:" "T.A. Cobell." "Tay Cobell." "His name was Taco Bell?" " Did you know that?" " What?" "Did you ever put that together?" "What are you doing?" "Hey, hey!" "Hey." "Dude!" "I'm sorry, okay?" "I'm not being disrespectful." "I just love fast food." "Whoa." "Hey, man, seriously." "Take it..." "take it easy, take it easy!" "Seriously, I am so sorry." "I know that you're upset with me." " I just wanted to help you." " Forget it." "Chris, I know you're upset, but he was 85." "I'm sure he had a bad heart or something." "He was the key to my future." "Without him, I have no hope for an academic career." "I know you don't want to hear this right now, but I always thought that you would make a heck of a detective." "Just take me home, Dan." "You don't even have to take a test for that." "You just... (snaps fingers)." "..now I'm a detective." "Man, I'm so hungry." "I got a five-grave appetite." "I can't believe Dr. Cobell is gone." "You can come to my land and visit his bodies" " any time you like, Chris." " Oh, well, thanks, but I think after we get rid of this final body," "I'll never want to talk about this ever again." "Don't be nasty, Chris." "DAN:" "All right, Adams and Hammercock." "Time to go back to the past." "ADAMS:" "Before we go," "I would like to thank you, Deb." "We were lost, both physically and emotionally." "HANCOCK:" "But now we understand human emotion perfectly." "Well, I hated you both at first, but now I realize that... you're fine." "(bell rings)" "And I promise that the moment we return to our own time, we will fight tirelessly to make America a compassionate place." "And since you'll be in the present, you will instantly reap the benefits of our emotional handiwork." "Ta-ta for now." "("My Country, 'Tis of Thee" plays)" "(electrical whining)" "(car horns honking, car alarms wailing)" "(dog barks)" "Well, I'm gonna monitor the news and see how the world's changed." "What changed?" "Everything?" "Nothing." "Ugh." "They didn't do it." "There we go." "All right." "Now, get him butt first, butt first." "Easy does it." "Easy." "Easy, easy." "There ya go." "(sighs)" "I know this is how he'd want to be remembered." "Hey, again, I'm sorry about all this." "I only went to Cobell to help you." "God." "Who would've thought that time travel would turn out to be such a disaster?" "Not me." "Did he say anything about me before he passed?" "He was mostly going on and on about kissing." " And right after that..." " Yeah?" "(crying)" "He said that he loved you and that he was proud of you, and that, uh, you were the son he never had." "Thanks, man." "(sobbing loudly)" "(crying)" "Why are you crying?" "Because." "We're best friends again, man... and there's probably an open spot for you in the history department." "I guess you're right." "Come here." "I'm sorry, dude." "It's okay." "I do want to talk to you about something, though." "Yeah?" "I swear to God, Tupac is running a doggy day care down the block from me." "It's probably just a different black guy." " Well, that's racist." " No, it isn't." "MAN:" "Yeah!" "(horn honking)"