"Okay, check this out." ""Penelope Cruz and Tom Cruise on love cruise to Veracruz."" " I love this stuff." " Me, too." "What is this?" ""Hollywood's hot new duo:" "Mary-Kate Olsen and Josh Hartnett."" " You're dating Josh Hartnett?" " No." " Why didn't you tell me?" " I'm not dating him." "This is so exciting." "What's he like?" "Does he ever ask about me?" "Okay, first of all, I'm not dating him." "And even if I was, why would he ask about you?" "I don't know." "He just seems so polite." "Ashley, this is serious." "I mean, this is a horrible rumor." "Well, maybe not horrible, but it's a rumor." "I mean, whatever happened to journalistic ethics?" "Or seeing the truth in print?" "Look, you're taking this way too seriously." "No one even cares about this stuff." ""Carrot Top's red-hot romance sizzles with Ashley Olsen."" "[Imitating Ashley] You're dating him?" "What's he like?" "Does he ask about me?" "Macy, if you keep eating the mushrooms out of the mushroom risotto... it's gonna just be risotto." "Oh, I'm sorry." "It's just nervous eating, Jake." "I'm really worried about the girls taking their driver permit tests." "Relax." "I'm sure they're gonna pass." "I know." "That's what I'm worried about." "Okay, look, I'm afraid you're gonna have to take the girls out." "Wait a minute." "Why me?" "Because my car's nicer than yours." "Yeah, but your nerves are stronger than mine." "Not much." "All right, how about we compromise?" "Each take a girl." "Oh, that's good." "I like that." "Split them up." "That'll throw the cops." "Are you guys ready for Puerto Rican meatballs?" "What's Puerto Rican meatballs?" "They're like Italian meatballs, except I make them." "Manny, I don't think meatballs go with risotto." "I didn't know that we were having a special guest star at dinner tonight." "Well, yeah, you know, I'm just trying to help out more around here... with the cooking, cleaning." "You know, doing" "My job." "It's almost 5:30." "The girls will be home any minute." "JAKE:" "Yeah, to tell us if they-- RILEY:" "Got them!" "CHLOE:" "Let's drive!" "Okay, here's one from the William Morris Agency." ""Dear Miss Cammie Morton, thank you for your picture and résumé." ""Unfortunately, we are not signing any new clients." ""We are also returning the $10 and free coffee coupons you enclosed."" "This is just great." "I've been rejected by ICM, CAA..." "UTA, and AAA." " AAA?" " Yeah." "Apparently you have to have a car to get car insurance." "Go figure." "Why do you need an agent anyways?" "I mean, this is Hollywood." "Isn't it all about talent?" "Don't you watch TV?" "It's got nothing to do with talent." "You can't get an agent unless you've had an acting job." "And you can't get an acting job unless you've had an agent." "Miss." "About the latte I ordered?" " Yes, what about it?" " I'd like it." "Oh, yeah, sure." "That's fair." "Yeah, I just got off the phone with Russell Crowe." "I'm meeting him at his house in Malibu to finalize the deal." "Yeah." "You see that man over there on the phone?" "He's a big agent." "No way." "Who does he represent?" "Russell Crowe and me." " Your coffee, sir." " Thanks." "And what goes better with steaming latte than a red-hot headshot?" "Hold on." "Do I know you?" "No, but you will." "Okay, now the first thing that you need to do" "Is preset the radio buttons." "Dave Matthews for city driving and Creed for the highway." "Yeah, baby." "Chloe, the air pressure in the tires is fine, honey." "Are they, Mr. Know-it-all?" "Well, perhaps you could tell me what the exact pressure of each tire should be." "Perhaps you can tell me where you come from." "Okay, now, after carefully making sure... the coast is clear... you slowly engage... the attention of the cute boys." "Right." "Riley." "Do you wanna do this or not?" "I love driving." "All mirrors properly placed." "Check." "Radio tuned to the traffic report." "Check." "Father falling asleep." "Check." "Okay, now, lightly tap on the gas pedal." "Seatback rigid but comfy." "Check." "I wonder how Riley's doing." "[Riley whooping]" "Manny, is there something else you could do?" "Well, I always thought I would make a really good pirate." "They don't have those anymore, so I'm gonna stick to housekeeping." "Hello." "This is Macy Carlson from Carlson Designs." "Stop." "Stop." "Hello?" "I'm just gonna take my vacuum and split." "Macy, I think I've found a way that we don't have to take the girls out driving." " You sold our cars?" " No." "Better." "You sold the girls?" "No." "Ted Morrison said he'd take them out." "I thought he owned that driving school." "Doesn't he hire people to do that?" "Well, yeah, he does, but, you know, him and Barbara are fighting again... so he will use any excuse to get out of the house." "Hey, listen, if you guys don't need me around here, I'm just gonna...." "I'm gonna go out." " Good." " Look, I'm gonna bring my pager... so in case you need anything from me, you just page me." "Yeah, okay." "You're not gonna page me, are you?" "Goodbye." "Manuelo, you need to learn the..." ""we don't need the nanny anymore" signs." ""Robin, don't answer that." "It's for me."" ""Robin, you don't need to prepare bangers and mash." "We're going out."" ""Robin, I don't need a ride to school." "I'm driving now."" "And "Robin, about tomorrow." "Don't bother to show up."" "The Carlsons, they need me, they love me." "I'm like a family to them." "Yes, the family that gets you to put your hand down the garbage disposal." "Listen, putting my hand down the disposal pulling out something that was a fork... was the highlight of my week." "Now, listen." "If there's something you've always dreamt of and wanted to do... now is the time to do it." "Pirate." "Oh, dear." "Come on." "Okay, this is it, my soon-to-be-discovered Cammie." "I want you to go over there a waitress and come back a star." "Have I ever told you about my stepfather, Fernando?" "No, but if he's got a latte and a muffin on him, send him over." "[Breathing deeply]" "My father left us when I was two." "A little boy and his mother alone... trying to survive the Great Depression." " Do you know what that's like?" " No." "If it wasn't for Fernando and the New Deal... we'd be out on the street somewhere, dodging trolley cars." "[Crying] Fernando eventually left us to run Chiquita Bananas... but not before saving the lives of a young boy... and his downtrodden mother." "End scene." "Why don't I get that latte to go?" "Oh, I give up." "It's just not meant to be." "I'll never be an actress." "I'll never get an agent." "I'll never get a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame." "I'll never do an R-rated..." ""not suitable for children under the age of 16 unless accompanied by a parent"... love scene with Freddie Prinze Jr." "He is gorgeous." "Look on the bright side, all right?" "I mean, you're not gonna have your love life dragged through the tabloids... or you're not gonna spend your nights being followed around by some stalker." "Hold it." "Wait." "What did you say?" "I haven't the slightest idea." "I wasn't paying attention." "Stalker!" "That's it!" "Nothing says success in Hollywood like having your own stalker." "If I had a stalker... super-agent Sam Diamond would know I was a serious actress." "All the big stars have them." "I never thought I'd ask you this." "Will you stalk me?" "Yes." "Yes, I will." "WOMAN:" "Miss." "Larry, not that close." "Okay, everybody ready to go?" "Yup." "I just need to go through my checklist." "Wait a minute." "Why do you get to drive first?" "Because it says here on my checklist, "Chloe drives first."" "Okay, everybody's ready to go." "Start it up." "Can we put on the radio?" "Isn't that gonna be distracting?" "It's not gonna bother me." "Okay, pull it out." "Let's go." "There you go." "[Cell phone ringing]" "Hello." "Barbara, now don't start in with me, all right?" "I'm at work." "I'm taking the Carlson girls out for a drive." "No, I can't take you shopping." "Hey, why don't you call the Carlsons' hot Latino nanny?" "Maybe he's home." "Where am I going?" "Take a left right here." "I wanna stop by Jack In The Box, pick up a sandwich." "Hey, Chloe." "You see that old man up there in the walker?" " Yeah." " You might wanna pass him." "Mr. Morrison, Riley's being a back-seat driver." "What do you mean?" "We spend lots of time together." "What about the eight hours we spent last night when we were asleep?" "I had a great time." " Hey, I'm doing pretty well." " You're doing pretty good." "[Tire bursting]" "See, I could have told you that there was broken glass in the middle of the road... but I didn't wanna be a back-seat driver." "Flat tire." "Well, I guess I won't be coming home for dinner." "Nice work." "Okay, this is gonna be a good lesson for you girls." "How to change a tire." "Of course, most people learn how to drive first." "[Cell phone ringing]" "Oh, great." "Here, hold this." "Yeah." "Oh, Barbara." "Yeah, big surprise." "What?" "No, I can't hear you." "Mr. Morrison?" "It's kind of heavy." "It's okay, it's good for you." "What?" "Yeah, it's getting a little better." "Now I can almost hear you yelling at me." "Okay, girls, do me a favor." "Will you just wait here?" "I'll be right back, okay?" "Riley, don't put it on the ground." "You'll get it dirty." "[Thoughts of you by Lovepie playing]" " Excuse me." " Yes?" "I don't know if you're aware of it, but see that guy over there?" "I think he's following you." "Him?" "Oh, he's obsessed with me." "He's outside in the bushes when I leave in the morning." "Across the street at night when I go home." "He even sits behind me in class, and it's an all-girls school." "It sounds like he's stalking you." "Yes, I know." "It's the price of stardom." "I didn't realize you were that well-known." "And talented." "You know, with your permission, I'm gonna do something about this." "[Imitating a Southern accent] Thank you, sir." "I've always depended on the kindness of strangers." "I don't understand how you're supposed to put it on." "I think we're supposed to take the other one off first." "Oh, yeah." "We can just use that thing." " What thing?" " You know... that thing that jacks the car up off the ground." "I don't know what it's called." "You mean this jack thing?" "Yeah." "And then we use that other thing to take off the little things." "Okay, now you're being silly." "What about a lug wrench?" " Right?" " That's what I said." "Okay, so now we have one tire... one thing and another thing." " Now what do we do?" " I have no idea." "[Panting]" "Anything?" "I don't think so." "Keep blowing." "Hi." "Hi." "What's your name?" " Timmy." " Timmy." "Okay, here's $1." "Now, what I need you to do is run to the nearest gas station... and tell someone that we need help." "And then keep the $1 and buy whatever you want, okay?" "Now run, Timmy, run!" "Run like the wind, Timmy!" " Little kid's not coming back, is he?" " Not a chance." "Looks like you got a problem." "Yeah." "My sister ran over glass." "It came from out of nowhere." "Well, you just need a simple tire change." "Here, hand me the keys." " Thank you very much." " Yeah." " He's cute." " Yeah, I know." " Come back!" " That's not our car!" "Excuse me." "Is that man at that table over there stalking you?" "Oh, you know, it's all part of the sacrifice of being in the public eye." "Are you two gentlemen with the same agency as Mr. Diamond?" "We're detectives." "LAPD." "You have the right to remain silent." "You have the right to have an attorney present." "Cammie!" "These are real cops." " Oh, my God!" " Cammie!" "Do your job!" "I hope you don't mind that I called the police." "I thought they were talent agents, like you." "Talent agent?" "I'm not a talent agent." "I'm a real estate agent." "What about Russell Crowe?" "I sold him a house." "A big house." "I'll sell you one, too, if you ever get famous." "Yeah, keep me in mind." "Well, I should get going." "I gotta meet Brad and Jennifer at an open house." "WOMAN:" "Miss, can I get a refill?" "Sure." "Have I ever told you about my stepfather, Fernando?" "Señor Jake, Señora Macy." "You wanted to talk to me?" " Yeah, Manny" " Listen, I understand... that Riley and Chloe have grown up and that there is no longer a need for me here." "And it's fine, really, because I have been blessed with a wonderful gift... and that's the ability to take care of other people's children." "And somewhere out there, there is a family waiting for me." "In Connecticut, I hope, because I do enjoy the seasons." "Manny, we just wanted to ask you to move your car." "But now that you mention it, I guess there really isn't much for you to do... is there?" "In the future, I'm gonna let you two talk first." "[Phone ringing]" "Carlson's Designs." "Mr. Thompson." "[Macy gasping]" "You were supposed to meet with Macy at the airport to discuss dress designs." "Hold." "I'll take care of this, please." "Mr. Thompson, why don't you check your Palm Pilot?" "Because I'll tell you something." "If Macy was not at the airport... it was because she was not meant to be at the airport." "Who is this?" "Baby, it's Manny Del Valle... the one who pulled you out of the pool last summer at the Carlsons' party." "Yeah, I let you take home my long-sleeved Hawaiian shirt." "No, please keep it." "It looks good on you." "No problem, dude." "Listen to me." "Why don't we re-schedule Macy?" "Bueno." "Ciao." "Thank you." "You just saved a huge account." "Listen." "I want to tell you something." "This has been one heck of a ride... so no crying and no tears." "Manny, look, man." "Forget about Connecticut." "Yeah, look, you've just proved once and again... how very, very useful you are around here." "Maybe we could make you our... executive assistant." " Do I get an expense account?" " No." "I'll take it." "Hey!" "I'm sorry about that, girls." "Mrs. Morrison thinks I make the phone staticky on purpose." "Here, let me get this tire." "Where's the car?" "We lost the rest." "Oh, well." "Wasn't mine, it was the wife's, anyway." "Anyway, once again, nice work." "So, what do you say we go to Jack In The Box, hit the drive-through?" " Without a car?" " Bring the wheel." "[Ted whistling]" "English" " SDH"