"Hello, I'm Charlie's brother, Alan." "I wanna thank you all for coming." "I know this is a very sad day for all of us." "Speak for yourself." "Okay, I understand that some of you have "mixed feelings" but I think we can all agree that Charlie lived life to its fullest and gave it everything he had." "He gave me herpes." "Chlamydia." "Vaginal warts." "Excuse me, this is my dead son we're talking about." "I loved him and I'm devastated that he's gone." "Leaving me with nothing but my memories, and my regrets and the listing for his beautiful beach front Malibu getaway with three bedrooms, three and a half baths and a beautiful, panoramic ocean view." "Help yourselves to brochures out by the coffee urn." "Thank you, Mom." "Anyway" "Open house is Sunday, 1 to 5." "Okay, I'd like to take a moment to talk about my brother and his incredible love for life." "He also loved being spanked." "While wearing my panties." "He used my panties to make tea." "My point is that Charlie lived life on his own terms and never apologized for who he was." "Yeah, blah, blah, blah, why can't we see the body?" "Yeah, I didn't come all this way to spit on a closed coffin." "Okay." "I understand how you feel." "But, unfortunately, due to the circumstances of his passing the remains aren't exactly spittable." "I have a question." "Okay, I wasn't planning on doing a QA, but go ahead." "Thank you." "Charlie owes me $38,000 for some, let's say, pharmaceuticals." "Who do I talk to about that?" "That's something you'll have to discuss with the lawyers." "Yeah, I'd rather not involve the law." "Heh." "And now, I thought we'd take this moment to hear from the person who was with Charlie at the end." "Thank you, Alan." "Charlie Harper was the love of my life and a wonderful, wonderful man." "Selfish pig." "Ahem." "Sure, our relationship had its ups and downs and the occasional restraining order." "But at the end, we ran away together to Paris where he asked me to marry him." "I said, "yes," and the next few days were the happiest of my life." "Nothing could spoil it." "Not even when I came home from shopping and found him taking a shower with another woman." "That's Charlie." "That's Charlie." "Yeah." "But I forgave him because I loved him unconditionally." "So you can imagine my horror when the very next day he slipped on the Metro platform and fell in front of an oncoming train." "Never cross a crazy woman." "I just want you all to know that Charlie didn't suffer." "His body just exploded like a balloon full of meat." "Thank you." "I'm hungry." "Anyone else hungry?" "Charlie was the best boss I ever had." "I needed a day off." ""Sure, Berta, no problem."" "I needed a couple extra bucks." ""Sure, Berta, no problem."" "All he ever asked in return was clean sheets and hosing the vomit off the occasional drug-addled hooker." "What a beautiful story." "Can you keep the house clean till I sell it?" "Can I count on you to keep paying me?" "There's virtually no money in Charlie's estate but I'd pay you once the house sells." "Then that's when I'll clean it." "I still don't see why we have to sell." "He left it to me, he wanted me to have it." "Can you make mortgage payments?" "No." "Can you pay the property tax?" "Not per se." "But I was kind of hoping you'd help out." "I mean, after all, your grandson lives here part-time." "[FARTS]" "Good job raising him." "Darling, I can't afford to maintain my house and your house at the same time." "But you're my mommy." "Good job raising him." "Once I sell this place, you can come live with me." "But why would I have to?" "Won't I get a lot of money from the sale?" "Oh, please." "Charlie had three mortgages on this place." "Once we deduct closing costs and escrow fees and my commission..." "...you'll be lucky to break even." "Planning to take a commission?" "She doesn't work for free." "Why should I?" "Don't think those silent ones are fooling anybody." "[DOORBELL RINGS]" "Hi, I'm here for the open house." "Come right in." "Thank you." "Three bedrooms, three and a half baths." "Sixty feet of prime Malibu ocean front." "Wait a minute." "I know this place." "This is Charlie Harper's place, right?" "It was." "Then I can't buy it." "Uh" " What?" "Why?" "Bad memories." "Charlie and I had this drunken threesome with a crazy chick on this couch." "Sounds like a good memory." "Yeah, unfortunately, she passed out, and Charlie and I kept going without her." "Bad memory." "Oh, the feng shui is great." "I mean, the place just oozes positive energy." "It's not practical." "The commute downtown would kill me." "Don't worry, sweetie." "Just let the universe provide." "The universe doesn't provide." "I provide." "I bust my ass 80 hours a week." "Uh-oh." "Sounds like somebody needs to meditate." "Uh-oh." "Sounds like somebody needs to file for divorce." "Really?" "You wanna play that card?" "I will take you and your uptight, bourgeois family for every penny you've got." "Bye-bye." "Bye-bye." "Keeh!" "What a fun couple." "[DOORBELL RINGS]" "Sorry, the open house is over." "I got a package for Alan Harper." "Oh, that's me." "Sign here." "Oh, how exciting." "Heh." "I wonder what it is." "It's from a crematorium, so that kind of narrows it down." "That's my brother." "Berta, Charlie's here." "Thank you." "Enjoy." "Well  here we are, buddy." "Just like old times, huh?" "I'm talking and you're in a bottle, ignoring me." "I wanted to tell you that I loved you and I will miss you and I will always be grateful for you taking Jake and me in letting us live here all these years." "So now the question is what do we do with you?" "I know what you said you wanted but I don't think Pamela Anderson will agree to swallow your ashes." "I mean, I could take you with me to live at Mom's but that's how horror movies start." "Hey, maybe I could sprinkle you on the beach." "I mean, it's simple, it's dignified and pretty girls covered with oil will be sitting on you all day." "Kind of like your life." "Except for the dignified part." "All right." "Well..." "[SIGHS] ...I guess now is as good a time as any." "[ALAN SCREAMS]" "I ain't cleaning him up." "Can I use your phone?" "Sure, I guess." "Are you okay?" "Yeah, I'm fine." "I was just trying to drown myself." "You tried to commit suicide?" "Yeah." "But I had no idea that the water would be that cold." "I could've worn a wetsuit, but who tries to commit suicide in a wetsuit, right?" "That phone right there?" "Yeah, yeah." "Thank you." "Oh, you got a towel?" "Oh, sure." "Thanks." "Hi, it's me." "I want you to know I just flung myself in the ocean because I can't live without you." "No, I'm not calling you from the ocean." "Because it was cold." "I don't-- I'm in some guy's house." "Alan Harper." "I am in Alan Harper's house." "How about it?" "Will you take me back?" "Are you sure?" "You heard what I said about the ocean, right?" "Okay, fine." "I'll stop bothering you." "But I want you to know that I will love you forever and ever." "Really?" "That bothers you?" "Okay, bye." "You got a wetsuit?" "Come on." "It can't be that bad." "It could be, you don't know." "No." "No." "I do." "Come on." "Come on." "Sit down." "Sit down." "Listen, I have been where you are." "Rejected, friendless, broke." "I'm not broke." "I'm worth, like, a billion dollars." "Beg pardon?" "One point three is what her lawyer says." "But I would give up every penny if she would take me back." "No, no, no, you don't wanna do that." "I think you can find a lot of girls for way less money." "I don't want other girls." "I want Bridget." "Right, right." "Just to clarify, did you say billion with a "buh"?" "Listen, trust me, money does not buy happiness." "I wouldn't know, I've never had either." "Come on, you're doing all right." "You're living in a beach house in Malibu." "I have to sell it." "And it's not even mine, it's his." "Who his?" "That's my dead brother." "Oh." "I'm sorry I made you spill him." "That's okay." "That's okay." "I'll DustBust him later." "You know what?" "I'll get out of your way." "Thank you for letting me use your phone." "Hang on." "You sure you're okay?" "Yeah, I'm just gonna go back to my hotel room and update my Facebook status to "not dead yet."" "Wait." "I just went to one funeral, I don't wanna be involved in another one." "Why don't you and I go out and have a drink and talk." "About what?" "Oh, I don't know, the weather, politics why somebody would wanna kill themself when they have a billion freaking dollars." "Come on, we'll put your clothes in the dryer." "All right." "Oh, by the way I'm Walden." "Walden Schmidt." "Well, it's nice to meet you, Walden Schmidt." "Oh." "I suppose there's no reason you can't undress right here in the living room." "Oh, skivvies coming off too." "Okay." "Okay, well, no body issues." "Lucky you." "That's" "[ALAN CHUCKLES]" "You're a good guy, Alan Harper." "Oh, and he's a hugger as well." "Okey-dokey." "I'll be right back." "One point three billion dollars, and he's hung like an elephant." "I will have an appletini and...." "Oh, ginger ale, please." "Really?" "Fresh off a suicide attempt and ordering ginger ale?" "Yeah." "I don't like the taste of alcohol." "Nobody likes the taste of alcohol." "We like the effects of alcohol." "How it makes you feel tall, good-looking and smart." "I am tall, good-looking and smart." "Give him an appletini." "So just out of curiosity how does someone get to be worth so much money?" "Well, it's pretty simple, really." "And you never will, because Microsoft bought it from me for $1.3 billion and then they bundled it with their iPod killer, the Zune." "Really?" "I don't think it came with my Zune." "You bought a Zune?" "I had a coupon." "Cheers." "Cheers." "Oh, gah." "So don't take this the wrong way but I can't get the image of your penis out of my mind." "Thank you, that's very sweet." "You don't understand." "Bridget was my high school sweetheart." "She was the love of my life." "Why did she leave you?" "She catch you with another woman?" "No." "Sex no good?" "No, it was great." "You sure?" "Because sometimes they'll tell you it was good and then you find out later they hated the very touch of you." "Happened to a guy I know." "Well, she said that I was emotionally immature." "You mean like threatening suicide unless she takes you back?" "That is not immature, that's romantic." "Shut up." "Regardless, I know what you're going through." "I married my college sweetheart, and when she divorced me I was devastated." "Why did she leave you?" "Not a clue." "She's a crazy bitch." "The point is, when life serves you ball-breakers who rip your heart out you have to make  ball-breaker-ade." "Bridget never broke my balls." "If anything, she treated them with tenderness and respect." "Okay, okay." "Just for tonight, will you forget about Bridget and just try to meet somebody new?" "Like who?" "I don't know." "How about her?" "Really?" "What would I say?" "Well, I would not lead with the testicle anecdote." "Just say hi." "Okay." "Hi." "Hi." "I'm Walden." "Kelly." "So, Kelly my wife dumped me and I wanna die." "Oh, you poor baby." "I love her so much." "[SOBBING]" "Whoo!" "I don't know if I can ever love anyone the way that I love her." "That's the most beautiful thing that I've ever heard." "It'll be okay." "Oh, God, I miss my wife." "Here is where I live." "Oh, nice." "Just me and my broken heart." "Alan, I think I should go back to my hotel." "Are you nuts?" "We're doing great." "This crap about loving our exes is gold." "My brother would be so proud." "The dude in the DustBuster?" "Yeah." "Uh" "Ladies, who's up for a libation?" "A what?" "Huh?" "A drink." "Alcohol." "Sure." "Great." "Be right back." "What's upstairs?" "I don't know." "Probably a bedroom." "Why don't we go find out?" "Oh...." "Okay." "Shouldn't we tell Alan where we're going?" "WOMEN:" "No." "Who's ready for margaritas?" "WALDEN:" "Whoa, one at a time, ladies." "One at a time." "[WOMEN LAUGHING]" "Well, this is depressingly familiar." "Shut up." "Morning." "Oh, good golly." "Oh." "I'm Walden." "I'm impressed." "Ha-ha." "Oh, Alan." "Guess what?" "I had sex with two girls last night." "Great." "I masturbated and cried myself to sleep." "I like my night better." "Oh, hey, I dig your house, so I'm gonna buy it, okay?" "Oh, okay." "Thanks." "You're the best." "Oh" " Ugh." "Whoa." "This is Walden." "He's gonna buy the house." "Welcome to my humble abode." "I like him." "[English" " US" " SDH]"