"James Cook." "Your brief wants to meet you." "He any good?" "Plead guilty." "Right?" "Right?" "You wouldn't feed this to a pig." "Not even a pig you hated." "Life is this." "This." "You get born, eat some processed crap, then you die." "Right." "And you're gonna get me off somewhere in-between, yeah?" "Sit down." "I'm your legal aid brief and, er," "I'll make sure you..." "Face the right way, say yes or no in the right order..." "And probably waste too much of everybody's bloody time, basically." "GBH... affray..." "Punched the fuck out of..." "Shanky Jenkinson." "Do you know him?" "Do you know Shanky?" "No." "Any particular reason?" "I was provoked..." "By Shanky?" "By who?" "Who?" "Who provoked you?" "No?" "It's your first offence." "Plead guilty and, by the miracle of British justice, you'll get a bullshit Community Service Order." "Not guilty." "James, you did punch the fuck out of, er, Shanky in front of... 83 witnesses." "Not guilty." "Pardon?" "Sorry." "I thought you said "not guilty" there." "Yeah..." "Yeah, he is, pleading not guilty." "Really?" "Really." "Right." "Right." "Well, trial for the 15th of this month at 10am." "Remanded on bail with an electronic tagging order." "And Duncan..." "Yeah." "Really looking forward to hearing you defend this one." "Yeah, it's too tight, man." "Good." "Just checking." "Every day, between the hours of 7pm and 7am, you've got to be in your house." "Right?" "Or it goes off." "I haven't got a house." "It says here you'll be staying with a Miss Ruth Byatt." "What?" "!" "I ain't staying with her." "No way!" "Yes, you are." "Otherwise, bleep, bleep, we'll arrest you, bang you up, and probably bang you about a bit while we're doing it." "He's joking." "And he said, "Is that what you call a broom handle?"" "Miss Byatt?" "Mum." "Hello, Jimmy." "How you been?" "Nobody calls me Jimmy now, Mum." "Hello..." "Smelly." "He's dying to see you." "Go on." "Go on!" "Right!" "I'm home!" "Where's my little sex monkey?" "Wet willy!" "Cook!" "Nipple cripple!" "Mum says she forgives you and you can come back." "Yes." "Yeah." "And we got pizza to celebrate." "Oh, yeah." "That's great, innit, bruv?" "Pizza." "Oh, fuck me, you monkey!" "Oh, fucking hell!" "Oh, fuck me!" "Fuck me, you monkey!" "Wasn't me." "Fuck them." "Oh, here he is." "Come and have some breakfast." "Jimmy, this is Alex." "He's going to be doing a piece on me." "Your mother is a genius." "The greatest conceptual artist since Duchamp." "He's going to be doing me all week." "Great." "Jimmy's a criminal." "But we're forgiving him." "Ruth says you're her greatest creation." "A walking conceptual installation." "That's cool, man." "But all your work's mesmerising." "I mean, look at this." "Composition, confluence, concept, wow!" " Mum, whose tits are those?" " Don't be silly!" "Can't you tell?" "It's tactile, you know?" "Yeah." "You just want to touch them..." "You just want to come on them!" "Will you go to prison?" "I might." "But if you say sorry, won't they let you go?" "I'm not sorry." "Why not?" "Never say sorry, kid." "Why?" "Cos you're not a pussy, are you?" "No." "We don't play their game, do we?" "We don't play anyone's game." " Except for Rock Band." "We can play that." " Yeah, yeah, yeah, we can play that." "Finished?" "Yeah." "You're barmy!" "Cor, this is posh." "It's rubbish!" "Who's giving you shit, then, dude?" "Him." "Erm... him and him." "No, not him, he's nice." "Him, he kicked me in the balls twice." "Lads!" "Right, in." "But I want to hang out with you." "In!" "I'm gonna be enjoying my freedom." "Doing what?" "I'm going to have a white riot!" "Touch me." "Oh, yes!" "Look, you cannot spin it." "You're not allowed to spin it." "Anyway, it was two against one, you wankers." "Hey!" "Do you think we should go cheer her up?" "How do you expect to do that, J?" "Her boyfriend's just cheated on her with the hottest of the hot, mate." "Yup." "Andrea is maximo hot." "I think about her sometimes." "When I'm in bed." "When I'm cosy." "Just before I go to sleep." "Sorry." "OK, I'm back." "Right." "Y'all right, Panda Pops?" "Not really." "You know, love's thoroughly over-rated, Panda." "I've never even had a girlfriend and look how happy I am." "In between minor psychological breakdowns." "Sure, all the serotonin, endorphins and sex, et cetera, feel good." "But really, "love" is an illusion." "It can't last." "Nope." "Nicely done." "Well, howdy-fucking-doody." "Hi, Cook." "I just swarmed by, really, to see how deep everyone's rolling." "See who's up for a pint and a poke?" "JJ?" "Panda?" "No, thanks." "No?" "Why?" "Just don't want to." "Naomi, what about you?" "Bring your lady, make it a threesome." "What's up with you two?" "Black guy?" "Anyone?" "Aren't you scared, Cooky?" "Of what?" "Of going to the blimmin' chokey!" "We'll come." "Nah, you're all right." " What happened to you?" " You don't remember?" "No, remember what?" "Who fucked you?" "Ah." "Finally." "The famous Mr. Cook." "Hi." "Dave." "Dave Blood." "We have met before, in fact, but take my card." "We should powwow." "I can see that this college has failed you, Mr. Cook." "And I am deeply sorry." "But that is ten years of willy-nilly policy and red tape nonsensery for you." "So unfortunately, since you've been implicated, as it were, by the law, you have been automatically... expelled." "Expunged." "Excommunicated." "And I'm going to have to ask you to... scoot off." "Or what?" "Well, or Jonathan here will escort you with, er, you know, extreme prejudice." "Dude..." "Jonathan can kiss my arse." "Unless he's tired from licking yours, that is." "Jonathan?" "Yes, that is tremendously amusing." "Nevertheless, you are going to have to abrogate and egress from the premises." "Don't touch me!" "This way." " Get your fucking hands off, pussy!" " Come on!" "What the fuck are you doing?" "!" "It's an incident, certainly." "Reasonable force utilised in self-defence." "Defence." "Luckily, it's all over now and, er, you can all go back to normal." "Good morning." " Cook, are you all right?" " Fuck off, you!" "When did you get so sorry for yourself, Cook?" "We can talk about her." "That's why you're here, isn't it?" "We gave that girl Sophia drugs." "I didn't give her nothing." "And I had an affair with her as well." "What?" "And now she's dead." "That's why you're here." "You feel bad." "Fuck off!" "I just come round to see if you wanted that non-lezza willy waggle." "That's all." "Yeah, right." "Do you want to know how I feel?" "I feel fucking terrible." "My girlfriend won't look at me." "I could cry every minute." "I feel shit and all I can do is... feel it." "Deal with it!" "Waggle me!" "Yes?" "Come to see how my case is going, Duncan." "You haven't got a case." "That's a matter of opinion, that is, mate." "Matter of opinion." "Well..." "In summary, you've got about as much chance of getting off as I have of blagging a shag with Angelina Jolie." "Well, lose the moustache, then, probably." "It's just not happening, kid." "To use legal terminology, you're guilty as fuck." "Yeah, me mum says I should get a proper lawyer." "What?" "You don't care?" "No." "I really, really don't." "You see, I get paid anyway." "She's filthy rich, man." "She's famous." "Yeah?" " Yeah." " Lucky you." "Look, Duncan, stuff's happened to me, man." "You should know about this." "You should be out there telling them all the shit that's gone down in my life." "Duncan, are you smoking a number?" "You got a problem?" "Yeah, problem!" "You're taking the fucking piss!" "Doesn't anyone owe me anything here?" "Don't I get a hearing, no?" "!" "You put a kid in hospital." "Remember?" "What's your excuse?" "People." "People fucked me up, man." "Well, go tell that to a judge." ""Mummy fucked me up."" "Don't fucking speak about my mother!" "You don't talk about her, all right?" "I'm not." "You are." "Proper shit, aren't ya?" "Proper fucking shit, aren't ya?" "What do you think?" "Is it true?" "Jimmy, art is always true." "Why did you leave my dad?" "Because he was a twat." "Agreed?" "He was entertaining." "Good in bed." "Didn't give a flying fuck for anyone or anything." "Ultimately it just gets on your tits." "Bit boring." "Is that why you threw me out?" "You sold my wedding rings to buy dope." "You wanted me to throw you out." "Didn't you?" "But hey, that's over." "You've come to see my work." "I love that." "And look." "I'm hot!" "Aren't you proud of what I've done?" "Oh, my God!" "Ruth!" "This is..." "I am totally engaged!" "Come and see the masterpiece." "It's going to make Damien Hirst want to cut his cock off and pickle it." " Lights, darling." " What?" "I want to strip naked, it's so good." "Yes, it is." "Thank you." "It's real, you know." "So, so real." "What do you reckon, kidder?" "Has the girl done good?" "You little shit!" " You did that on purpose." " No!" "You smart bastard!" "Don't think I don't know!" "Get out!" "Go on, get out!" "Yeah, is Shanky in, please?" "Shanky!" "Friend!" "Yeah, Shanky." "You Shanky, yeah?" "Look..." "This is weird..." "Look, I didn't..." "I've come round to say sorry, well, you know, like..." "It wasn't your fault, d'you know, like." "See, they're going to send me down, so if you could say anything, like, I dunno, how I come over and said sorry." "I am sorry, mate." "You know?" "I hope they get you in the showers and fuck you up the arse." "Mate, listen." "Thank Christ you're here." "Your mum's on one, again." "I've just come round..." "Yeah?" "I want to talk to you." "Well, look who it is." "The man who's just cost me ninety thousand quid." "Hello, you sweet little turd." " Mum?" " That's right, still your mum." "And... yep." "Where's Paddy?" "Oh, he's gone to see that friend." "What's his name..." "Never mind." "Look who's here." "Freddie!" "Freddie, Freddie." "Long time no see, Freddie!" "What do you want, man?" "I came to see if you're all right, if that's OK." "Yeah, I'm fine!" "Mm-hm." "Tipsy-topsy!" "Well, I'm glad that someone is." "Cos we've got a..." "Hey, now we can have a proper party, can't we?" "Come on, what's the matter with you?" "!" "Sitting on your fat arses." "Mum!" "What's the fucking matter with you?" "!" "Come on!" "What's wrong with you?" "!" "We're all fucking... adults..." "She hasn't changed, then." "Your 15th birthday party." "What?" "!" "Where was I?" "Drunk." "You had six coconut daiquiris." "And anyway, I was last man standing, and I was still fucked off my head." "So you fucked my mum?" "!" "It wasn't like that!" "Well, tell me, Fred." "What the fuck was it like?" "Hang on." "No, don't answer that shit." "It was just a blow job." "Oh!" "What a relief, man!" "Thank goodness!" "I'll make it up to you." "How are you going to do that, Freddie?" "I let you take the one fucking girl I've ever loved, man." "Is there anyone else I care about that you want to slip one to, mate?" "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "It's fine." "Sorted." "Everything's cool." "Effy loves me." "How can I..." "Stop talking about it!" "You smashed JJ, Cook." "I..." "I didn't." "He loves you, Cook." "Well, that's all." "And I love you too." "Whatever you're doing, you can stop." "All you got to do is stop." "And I don't want to see you again." "Understand?" "I thought he was with his friends." "He was." "Just not in a good way." "You want to speak to him." "I will." "I'm going to." "Don't you worry." "OK." "If I hear about you again..." "Anyway." "Good evening." "Good evening." "What did you do?" "Me and Paul drank six Red Bulls each, we farted in a lift, we swam in a fountain, stole bras from MS and we started a fire on College Green and all the filth showed up." "Daft little boot, you are." "What d'you do that for?" "Cos I'm not a pussy." "Every time I try and do something for this family!" "Mum!" "See?" "!" "That's what you get!" "All right?" "!" "Everything's gone wrong since you've come back." "You're like an infection!" "Go on, that's right!" "You all bugger off in the end." "That's right, just go on!" "Go on!" "Just bugger off!" "Keep it steady." "Ah!" "Get off!" "Go on, mate!" "Go on, kid!" "Take it easy." "I fucking love you, Pads, you hear me, yeah?" "It's just you and me, mate." "No-one else understands." "Yeah." "Fuck everybody!" "Fuck Mum!" "Fuck everybody!" "Everybody else is a fucking tosser!" "A fucking tosser!" "A fucking tosser, I hate them!" "Ey up." "Look out your window." "Looking good." "We didn't kill her, you know." "She killed herself." "It doesn't help, though." "I still spend every day feeling like I want to puke." "How's Emily?" "Angry." "So..." "lonely." "It all means so much to you, doesn't it?" " What?" " Life." "You just live a bit harder than everybody else does." "You splash about." "You wallow in it." "Like you can't lose a moment." "Yeah, I'm well hard." "The thing is, Naomi, you splash about, other people get wet." "I don't give a fuck or anything, it's just..." "You get a bit..." "You know." "Fuck's sake!" "I'm never going to get to bone you, am I?" "No." "I love someone." "You and me both, girl." "You and me both." "Lot of people looking for you." "Where's your brother?" "Friend's house." "He's sleeping." " Got to give him back." " I know." "I'd, er, I'd probably get another lawyer, if I were you." "Cos, I'm pretty fucking shit all round, you know." "Yeah, you're shit." "But you're my shit." "OK?" "I'm the only defence lawyer I know with a 100% conviction rate." "Oh, jeez." "They're going to put you in jail, James." "What's eating you?" "What are you rebelling against?" "What've you got?" "There you go, you see." "You're too fucking smart for most people." "They don't even know you're quoting Marlon Brando." "Do they?" "You're pretty sharp yourself, for a shit lawyer." "Well, it's easier, ain't it?" "Blaming all your shit on everyone else." "Well, come on, then, why don't you tell me something you have done?" "That you did..." "all by your shitty little self." "Last year, I stole my best friend's girlfriend just because I could." "Then I fucked her mate, best mate, multiple times, man, just because I could." "It's chicken feed, James." "What is this?" "Oprah?" "Tell me something fucking worthwhile!" "Come on, you dick!" " Just wanted to fucking crack someone." " Right." "He just..." "Freddie, man." "I couldn't stand the way that she was fucking looking at him." "And I was thinking, why does everybody get to piss on me?" "Everybody always fucking pisses on me." "My fucking mum." "My dad is a fucking tosser." "And no-one gives a shit!" "Everybody's just out for them-fucking-selves!" "Ah, grow up." "They won't give a shit." "So fucking what?" "!" "So I fucking smashed the shit out of that kid!" "I fucking kicked the shit out of him and I fucking enjoyed it!" "I enjoyed it, OK?" "OK." "That's pretty good." " Duncan?" " Yeah, kid?" "There's something else." "The kid was pestering me, man." "She kept on asking me for MDMA." " Sophia?" " Yeah." "Yeah." "So eventually, you know, I just..." "I just gave her some just to shut her up more than anything." "Then, I didn't see her again until she fell off the balcony." " Do you want a lawyer here, James?" " No." "It's fine." " He knows what I'm telling you." " And nobody else was involved?" "Nope, nobody but me." " Been up to much?" " Oh, you know." "I bet it's all action." "Ballroom dancing in the morning, followed by a gin rummy tournament and bumming in the showers." "Yeah, I can barely sit." "We're coming to your trial thing tomorrow." " We?" " Yeah." "We." "Freddie's worried sick." "I bet he is." "Probably scared I'm going to get off and steal his woman again." "I love him, Cook." "That's what I came to say." "How is the love?" "It's a bit of a head fuck, to be honest." "Not simple." "I know you'd understand that." "But I'm giving it a go." "That's what I always loved about you, Cook." "Brave." "Eff?" "Would you tell JJ... you know." " You care." " I don't." "Yeah." "Good job this isn't no win, no fee, otherwise you'd be fucked." "James Cook." "Cook!" "Cook!" "No!" "Let go!" " Cook!" " What are you doing here?" " I bunked off school." "I don't give a shit." "I want to watch!" " Listen!" "Be a big man for me, OK?" "I need you to sit there for us and wait." "You can't come in." " Come and sit over here." " Tell them to piss off!" "Tell them you didn't anything!" "And how do you plead?" "Guilty." "Mr. Cook, you've wasted a lot of our time, and bail has been a disaster." "Your mother says she's unable to control your behaviour and she is unwilling to accept you back into the family home." " Do you understand?" " Yes." "So I'm afraid a custodial sentence is inevitable." "In any case, I'm told there may be other charges." "However, since you wisely changed your plea, we're going to remand you into custody for reports." "You should expect to be there for several months." "And James, while you're there," "I strongly advise you to behave yourself." "Sentence set for two weeks from today." "Take him down." "Cook!" "What's happening?" "What's happening, Cook?" "!" "Tell them to piss off!" "Cook!" "It seems your father has let us down once again." "Because of his stupidity, this house is being taken from us." "Who the fuck do you think you are?" "I'm Katie fucking Fitch." "Who the fuck are you?" "Do you fancy me?" " Just checking." " Of course."