"Hike!" "So, what did you want?" "It's too late now." " Too late for what?" " I'll tell you later." "Come on, the bell just rang." "We still got time." "I'm ready." "You sure?" "Why now, all of a sudden?" " What, you don't want to anymore?" " Yeah, I do." "I'm just wondering what changed your mind." "You did." "Now?" "If you want." "Excuse me." "You two need to come with me." "Take a seat." "You know you're not supposed to be back there." " We weren't doing anything." " That's not what it looked like to me." "Principal Fields will be back as soon as the assembly is over." "Ms. Washburn, please, if I get one more referral, my mom..." "Bench." "Who put sand in her vagina?" "Hey, kids." "How you boys doing?" " Can we help you?" " I certainly hope so." "You know what this is?" "A laptop?" "Password-protected laptop that I need you nerds to hack into." " No insecticides or toxic cleaners." " Check the bathroom." " Who are you?" " Your roommate's doctor." " You remember your roommate?" " He had bronchitis." "That's what the morons at the Rutgers Student Medical Center thought, which may be part of the reason he just coughed up a lung." "What do you mean, he coughed up a lung?" "He coughed..." "After which the respiratory organ which resided in his chest resided in his mouth." "Actually, his hand." "Well, his mouth, then his hand." "Bathroom's clean." " What's in this?" " Just soda." " Mind if I have some?" " You want my drink?" "You got a problem with that?" "Actually, I do." "You barge into our room, start looking through our personal, demand I hack into a computer" "I think I can safely assume doesn't belong..." "I'm sorry." "Did I break your concentration?" "Please continue." "You were talking about personal privacy." "What, you're finished?" "Well, allow me to retort." "Wait." "You're saying this actually happened?" "Absolutely." "You're lying." "Interesting theory." "Can you prove it?" "Doctors don't carry guns." "They don't shoot people, and they definitely don't search patients' homes." "Plus, I've seen Pulp Fiction." "The movie you're totally ripping off." "Wait." " Was it Timmy Morgan?" " I have no idea." "It had to be him." "He's totally obsessed with old movies." "Pulp Fiction is not an old move... what?" "So you're here to talk to the principal" " about something Timmy did?" " I got no problem with Timmy." "And even if I did, I ain't no snitch." "Why are you here?" "To dig myself out of a hole." "Instead I dug a bigger one." " What'd you do?" " What'd you do?" "What'd you do?" "What happened to your eye?" "It's none of your business." "It's none of yours." "I'm a doctor." "It's a few days old, so that's not why you're here, unless you two got busted for some sort of revenge plot." "But then you'd look angry instead of... ashamed." " I'm not ashamed." " Interesting." "You defensively insist that you're not ashamed, which means you are ashamed." " And yet, you're the victim." " You want to know about the black eye?" "Tell us why you're here first." "Anyone ever tell you you're annoying?" "Yes, all the time." "But he's right." "You want to know?" "You first." "I didn't kill anybody." "I have to be here, so I figured I'd punch up the stakes in the first act." "But we did, and almost always do, search the patient's home." "If we tell them first, then they can hide something that we need to know in order to figure out what's wrong." "Why would they do that?" "Because they are morons." "They're all morons, and everybody lies." "Wait, if everybody lies, then that means you're lying right now." "I didn't say everybody always lies, Aristotle." "And on that note, unless there are any questions..." "Good." "Dr. Hourani..." "Before you finish, maybe you could describe what you actually do." "Like if someone comes in for a routine physical?" "You want routine?" "Please." "It just feels kind of, like, numb." "You do a lot of bicycle riding?" " How long have you been married?" " It's 12 years next month." "You have six kids." "It could have anything to do with that?" "Probably." "How often do you use your vibrator?" "Excuse me?" "Your battery-operated Brad Pitt." "After giving the gift of life to 6 eight-pound, four-ounce wrecking balls," "I can safely assume it's an industrial-strength model?" "You wanted routine." "Am I done?" "Maybe we should just move on." "No problem." "I assume you see more than one patient?" "Then I guess we will move on to our next guest." "What do you do the rest of the day?" "Dr. Hourani?" "Just in time for lunch." "You mean a conference call with the board, and by just in time, you mean, 20 minutes late." "Sex." "By lunch." "How about we start with a small tossed salad?" "As of this morning, I'm on a diet." "Meaning?" "I told you, I'm busy." "You told me you were supposed to be busy 20 minutes ago." "But you put them off then, there's no reason you can't now." "How about, "I wanted to then, and now I don't"?" "Get your finger off." "We obviously have something we need to discuss." "It's not a good time." "If you're mad because you're not getting the necessary affection, all you have to do is ask." "Seriously, not now." "If memory serves," "I enjoyed a healthy Sunday brunch." "So your insinuation..." " What is your problem?" " You!" "You are my problem." "You are the most selfish, self-centered son of a bitch on the planet." "And I'm sick of it." "I'm just..." "Done." "I can't deal with you anymore." "So that's what a typical doctor does on a typical day." "Any questions?" "What's a vibrator?" "Why was your girlfriend so mad?" "It doesn't matter." "Obviously it matters." "If she's your girlfriend, you should care how she feels." "I mean, it doesn't matter to the story." "It's the most important part of the story." "It's the only thing that does matter." "You don't kiss her enough." "Is that the problem?" "Absolutely not." "Which, by your definition, means it is." "We kiss plenty." "Your turn." " Then what's the problem?" " Your turn." "What's the problem?" "Excuse me." "When will the commandant be back?" "Shouldn't be much longer, sir." "Well?" "So now you're not gonna talk." "That's real mature." "All right, fine." "We got busted for kissing behind the school." "Now you know why we're here." "So tell us why you're here." " The deal was about the black eye." " And we didn't kiss." "So you were just making him beg?" " I didn't have you pegged as a tease." " I'm not a tease." "The evidence suggests otherwise." "I'm not a tease." "Prove it..." "By telling me your story." "You're a pathetic loser!" "And I wouldn't kiss you if I had brain cancer and your lips were the cure!" "She said that?" " Well, that was two days ago." " It doesn't matter." "I clearly didn't lead him along or anything like that, which proves I'm not a tease." "So why is your girlfriend mad at you?" "I'm getting a bossy vibe." "I take it you're into that." "Don't answer!" "Your turn." "What seems to be the problem?" "I'm having more difficulty breathing and some pain in my chest." "You're new?" "I just moved from Chicago." "It's awesome." "What part?" "We need to get a chest C.T." "I'm the senior team member, we don't need anything unless I say it." " Do you want to have an affair?" " You want to have a threesome?" "You can't talk to her like that." "I'm telling Cuddy." "We need a chest C.T." "Get it yourself." "Isn't that sexual harassment?" "Not if you're good-looking." "Excuse me?" "You said the one guy was short with a big nose." "Guess that's not the only thing that's big." " What does that mean?" " It means he's lying..." "Again." "Because you can't handle the truth!" "That's so easy." "A Few Good Men." "Okay, I give up." "I think we should move on to our next guest." "Works for one of the largest advertising agencies" " in New York City." " Boring!" "What happened to the patient?" "If Dr. Hourani promises to..." "Patient's dead." "Floor is yours." " Dave." " He's not dead." " You said he was still in the hospital." " What's wrong?" " He's got a cough." " He coughed up a lung." " What about the laptop?" " Who cares?" "And he said he was lying about that, you moron." "Gabe..." " We do not use that word." " He did." "And I was talking about people like you." "Dr. Hourani, please, could you just finish, quickly, so we can move on?" "I don't know what's wrong." "He was stable, and then, he just..." "Bronchial infection must be from a drug-resistant strain." "O-2 sats are plummeting." "We need a bronchodilator before respiratory arrest." " Suction, sit him up." " Start blow by oxygen." "What is that?" "I think it's his..." "It's his lung." "That actually happened?" "Yes, it really happened." "I take cases that other doctors fail to diagnose, which is why I only take one at a time." "My current patient is a college student." "He's actually in the hospital." "And, yes, he really did cough up a large portion of dead lung tissue." "How's that even possible?" "That's what she said." "No, she did literally say that." "How's that even possible?" "Primary squamous carcinoma could cause lung tissue to disintegrate." " It's not cancer." " It's not an infection either." "Antibiotics haven't had any effect." "Who password-protects a computer they keep in a locked desk in a locked office?" "Someone who works with someone who break into other people's homes?" "An amebic liver abscess could rupture through the diaphragm into the thorax." "Not when his liver-function tests are all normal." "His dorm mates are computer science majors." "If they're fabricating chips, they could be working with toxic solvents." "We need to search the dorm." ""We"?" "Oui." "Allons-y." "While we're out, do a thorascopic lung biopsy and a c-ANCA, because it's sarcoidosis." "But if you think it's sarcoidosis, why are you..." "So you really did force his roommate to hack into the laptop?" "Why would I lie?" "But whose laptop is it?" "It's your girlfriend's." "She's not my girlfriend." "I'm just interested in her because she's a client, and she sleeps above her covers." "Four feet above her covers." " What?" " Ghostbusters." "That's why she's so mad, you looked through her computer?" "No, that part happened after she got mad." "First she got mad." "Then I stole her computer to fix things." "And then we got the case." "Wait, so you tried to fix your relationship by stealing her computer?" "Well, when you say it like that..." "Yes." "Looks like you're the moron." "I can also get three sets of golf clubs in there." "No way." "You didn't get her laptop by blowing down the door of her office." "That's from Thunderbolt and Lightfoot." "Just seeing if you're still paying attention." "It was actually more subtle." "The Thomas Crown Affair... the Steve McQueen version." " Just tell us the truth already." " Excuse me." "There are others here who would like a chance to speak." "Go right ahead." "Audience is always right." " Luke." " It wasn't me." "Ma'am, are you okay?" "Can you hear me?" "What's that smell?" "Smells like a gas leak." "Call Dr. Cuddy." "You poisoned a room full of patients so you could steal your girlfriend's laptop?" "I didn't poison anybody." "I spilled some hydrogen sulfide and ammonia on the floor, thinking the stench would clear the place out." "But instead of breathing through his nose, some idiot decided to hold his breath." "He passes out, and before I know it, the place is a perfect storm of mass hysteria..." "Although it worked out just as well." "They're morons." "Agreed." "No, not the patients, the kids." "It doesn't matter how you stole it." "What matters is why." "You're starting to remind me of someone." "I didn't ask how you stole it." "I asked why." "Isn't it obvious?" "You think you can tell why she's mad by reading budget spreadsheets and per diem schedules?" "I know why she's mad." "I need to know how to make her un-mad." "And step one is gaining access to the journal on her laptop, where she records her innermost thoughts..." "Instead of just watching porn with me." "Grow up." "If porn was bad, why would there be so many nuns in it?" " Why is she mad?" " I was myself, by the way, she's supposed to love unconditionally." "I didn't do anything." "We had a great weekend." "Went to a Blues club, we watched Cinderfella on DVD." "And?" "It doesn't matter." "She's being unreasonable, and I have to fix it." "I need to know what's important to her." "I need something big." " Because?" " We're past that." "Have you tried childhood pet names?" " I don't know her pets." " She's never mentioned a pet?" "Yeah, but I wasn't listening." "She's not mad 'cause I don't remember a dead dog's name." "Her first dog was Ronaldo." "Is that R-o or R-e-y?" "I didn't ask." "Try both." "Just got a case from the E.R." "Rutgers student came in with what looked like acute bronchitis." "But there's nothing in his blood or sputum cultures." "Don't you think it's time you asking to the white man to solve your problems?" "His O-2 sats are in the toilet." "We need figure out what's attacking..." "So figure it out!" "I'm busy." "That can't be true." "Why not?" "'Cause if he was dying..." "I mean, you're a doctor." "Patients die every day." "Not all of them are interesting." "You still haven't answered either question." "She was mad because she's genetically programmed to make a big deal out of every little thing." "So she's mad 'cause she's a girl." "And now she's mad because she's programmed to make a big deal out of every little thing." "Actually, she's not like that." "Why you sticking her?" "She says you're a pathetic jerk and she hates you." "That was a long time ago." "It was two days ago." "And it wasn't even true then." " How do you know?" " Because I know how you think." "Really?" "Really." "Really?" "And no peck on the cheek." "It has to be on the lips." "Winning a bet to force her to kiss you actually cuts against your theory that you know how she thinks." "I wasn't forcing her to do anything." "You're hoping for a career in the NBA or the NFL?" "The bet let her do what she wanted to do still being able to act like she didn't, so her friends wouldn't get all, like, calling her a slut or something." "Not that it's slutty or anything." "It's just a kiss." "Not even close to true." "I just couldn't believe I'd lose." "We're getting somewhere." "No, we're not." "I thought we were." "No, you thought we weren't, and that's exactly what you want, 'cause you don't want to tell us why was she mad at you!" "You don't want to do your job 'cause you're too busy trying to hack your girlfriend's laptop to figure out a way to make her not mad at you." "But you don't tell us why she was mad at you." "It's stupid." "Talk." "I'm out of here." "Unless..." "Rachel's gonna be up." "You never know." "Yes, I do." "Can you take the garbage out before you go?" "I would, but... come on." "It's not a lot." "Pain's always worst first thing in the morning." "Mommy!" "You used her toothbrush?" "That's so gross." "What's the big deal?" "It's not like she had a problem swapping spit the night before." "Maybe it's not the swapping spit that bothers her, but the fact that you don't listen to her." " Had she warned you not to do it?" " I listen to her." " You just said before that you didn't." " I said I didn't remember." "No, you said you don't listen..." "I listen to her." "Okay?" "Believe me, I listen." "It's my toothbrush, and it's not just once." "And it's not like I'd even care, but you totally destroy it." "You're supposed to brush with it, not gnaw on it like a rawhide bone." "I think Miss Four Cavities' time would be better spent copying Mr. No Cavities instead of complaining about him." "And given what I'd just been doing," "I thought you wouldn't want me going out to dinner without a good brush and a floss." "Would you please just use the toothbrush I bought you?" "Would you please just shut up and watch the movie?" "I said, "please."" "Why'd you have to brush your teeth before you go to dinner?" "You don't want to know... yet." "You're gross and dumb." "You listen to what she says just so you can tell her how wrong she is." "You are clueless and naive." "I have to tell her she's wrong, 'cause no one else will." "She's the boss, which means she's surrounded by morons who are either afraid or they wanna kiss up to her or they wanna... kiss her." " But not you." " I already kissed her." "I respect her enough not to treat her like some tender blossom who needs to be coddled." "Makes sense to me." "That's what you think you did?" "Yeah, totally." "You mean..." "What?" "You?" "No, I didn't punch her." "Moron." "I didn't mean to." "The stick had wicked heel curve." "Did I mention you're a moron?" "You just said it's wrong to treat your girlfriend like she's weak." "I'm not talking about trying to score, but to shoot high." "Tennis shoes on a wooden floor?" "She obviously can't butterfly and cover the low corners." "Your turn." "The laptop." "I must be in the midst of a complex partial seizure, 'cause I know you are not sitting at my desk." "Ran out of lotion in mine." "Get out of here." "This is the only place left that Cuddy'll never look for me." "Haven't found what I want." "I can tell you what you're about to find is my foot in your ass." "Not enough lotion for that." "How did you get in?" "The door was locked." "Either I can walk through walls, or..." "We have lift-off." "Is that Cuddy's journal?" "No, it's a freelance piece I'm writing for Teen Vogue." "No." "Let me see that." "Sorry, got to go." "Key." "I give you one thing, Hourani." "Your wife..." "she's beautiful." "I mean, wow." "Thank you." "Wait." "I thought you were Dr. Hourani." "So that's why you're here?" "That was stupid." "I know." "Mr. Stupid-Head at your service." " Where are you now?" " In the principal's office." "We don't have time for games." "PET scan was negative for sarcoidosis." "The treatment's working." "It would if we'd actually started the treatment, but we didn't." " Why the hell not?" " Because it's not sarcoidosis." "If you were here, you'd know that." "He's dying." "What's left of his lung is collapsing." "FNA of the mediastinal..." "I don't care." "I care about is how he responds to the treatment." " House." " Just do it." "Sarcoidosis..." "Is a diagnosis of exclusion, which means that the cowards who spend their time excluding what it isn't, usually cause their patients to die from what it is." "I don't get it." "Why would you lie about your name?" "Who cares?" "What did she write in her journal?" "Thank you." "That is exactly my point." "Why does no one ever believe me?" "What?" "Just because he's dying doesn't make it interesting." "You cheated on her, didn't you?" "No, I didn't cheat on her." "It's more than just you used her toothbrush and wouldn't take the garbage out." "No, actually, it was exactly that." "I just need some time alone." "Because I used your toothbrush?" "And you wouldn't take out the garbage." "That's insane." " You know that, right?" " You do whatever you want." " Always." " I said I was sorry, I was..." "I was still half asleep." "You're always right." "I don't mean you always think you're right." "But you are actually always right." "Because that's all that matters." "That doesn't make sense." "Want me to be wrong?" "I want you to care about more than just what you want, what you think." "You need me, House." "And you may even love me." "But you don't care about me." "And I deserve someone who does." "That's what I said." "You don't listen to her." "You didn't say that." "Yes, I did." "Wasn't listening, then." "But you found a way to fix things, right?" "That's why you were happy when you read her." "I did." "At least I thought I did." "She recently got the thin envelope from her first choice preschool." "It turns out it was her fake first choice, cos she was convinced she couldn't get her kid into her actual first choice without a substantial donation or... an inside connection." "If it's Brye Park, I'm afraid she's right." "Wait, that's our school." "What other school would he be talking about?" "Just finish the story." "You know, I got to tell you there is bossy, which can be sexy." " And then there's bitchy..." " Finish the story." "You obviously know this because you're on the school board, which puts you on the inside, and being the CEO here obviously connects you with Cuddy." "If we're so connected, why isn't she the one asking?" "Because she thinks it's wrong to use connections to cut in line." "I don't." " I might be able to help." " Fantastic." "But I could use a favor as well." " Where are you?" " I needed to take care of something." " It's not a foreign body." " You missed it." "If we do any more imaging, we're gonna have to add radiation poisoning to DDX." " I meant the sarcoidosis." " Biopsy and C-ANCA, both negative." " We're gonna have to do a pneumon." " No sign of drug or alcohol abuse." "He's not a smoker, a coal miner, or a potter." "It's sarcoidosis." "Start corticosteroids and methotrexate." "If it's a drug-resistant bug, and we give him steroids," "He'll die, which from the sound of it wouldn't be much worse." "You moron." "But you have to show him your I.D. And your insurance stuff." "You can't just give him a fake name." "You don't have to do anything." "Last time I checked, this was still America." "Of course, that was ten years ago." "But you're gonna pay him." "I mean, it was your fault." "A yellow light does not mean stop." "It was, at the most, 20% my fault." "Since insurance companies automatically put 100% of the fault on the rear-ender, my little lie was actually an effort to achieve an outcome closer to the truth." "And it would have worked, too, if it weren't for those meddling kids." "I am Dr. Hourani." "Then why did you say the other doctor was Hourani?" "It's, uh... it's a common name." "It's like Smith..." "In Lebanon." " Let me see your I.D." " I left it in my other pants." "It looks like it's in this pair." " Get your hands off me." " Give me your I.D." " Hey, would you stop that?" " Give me your I.D." " Kids, stay calm." " Gimme your I.D.!" "Stop this right now!" "Stay calm." "Stay in your seats." "Gentlemen, please." "This is not the time or place." "Is there a problem in here, Ms. Corwin?" "Why don't you just take off?" "It's not like the principal can call your parents." "No, but the principal can call the police or the guy he's doing the favor for." "His girlfriend's obviously gonna find out." "He's screwed." " I'd bolt." " No, you wouldn't." "Yeah, I would." "No, you wouldn't." "How do you know?" "What's wrong?" "I guess..." "I don't want to do it like this." "Sorry for shooting the puck so hard and tricking you in the bet." " You didn't trick me." " Yeah, I did." "I gave Madison a Red Dead Revolver cheat code so she'd hit your foot with the rope." " I knew you couldn't beat me." " You're right." "It's just..." "I really like you." "And I'm pretty sure you like me too." "But I don't want to play any more games." "When you want..." "I mean, if you ever want to, just tell me you're ready, and, you know..." "Sorry." "Well done." "He's not always a jerk." "And neither are you." "She obviously likes you." "Just stop using her toothbrush and stop playing games." "She'll still like you." "She's bossy..." "But she's usually right." " Thank you." " Can I ask you a question?" "Are you insane or just stupid?" "Is there a third option?" "Actually, I don't think there is." "I'm sorry." "I just wasn't thinking." "I mean, I was, but only about myself, which is apparently the way I am..." "Usually, not always." "And I need to convince someone of that." "And you think you can do that by getting someone to pull strings to get her daughter into our preschool." "I spoke to Sanford Wells." "You can call the police." "You can turn me in for lying at the accident." "I'm sure Mr. Dryden has already taken care of that." "Let her daughter in." "She's a great kid, and Dr. Cuddy is a great mom." "They'll fit in perfectly here." "How exactly does admitting her daughter prove how unselfish you are?" "Seems like you're still doing it to help yourself, not anyone else." "I don't know." "I just know that I need to do something." "I need her in my life." "You know what it's like to actually need someone?" "Yes." "I do." "But I also know what it's like to have responsibilities." "Maybe it's time you grew up." "Dr. House..." "Is there anything you'd like to say?" "Can I be excused?" "It's just food." "Something small enough to go down the wrong pipe, too big to get washed out by the bronchial lavage." " Wouldn't show up on a C.T." " But would cause the C.O.P.D." "And wouldn't respond to steroids or antibiotics." "Prep him for exploratory surgery" " and start the betting." " Betting?" "I got a hundred bucks says it's a pea." "I'm busy." "I know." "I just want to say that I'm sorry." "Shouldn't you be saying that to Sanford Wells?" "A fifth-grade career day?" "You really thought you could pull that off?" "I figured, how hard could it be?" "And I wanted to prove to you that" "I do care about your needs and Rachel's." "I do." "Is that why you also stole my computer?" " Yes, it is." " And then threw it in the trash?" "I did not throw it, I placed it, knowing that the janitor would find it and return it to you unharmed." "I'm a moron." "But that doesn't mean I don't care about you, that I don't think about you, that I don't want you to be happy." "I was wrong." "You were right." "I can do better." "Just... give me a chance." "So what were you... an Astronaut or a Bullfighter?" "I was myself..." "For the most part." "I know you're still upset, so I'm gonna..." "I'll leave you to... to deal with it however you want." "House." "You want to come over for dinner tonight?" "I'd love to."