"It was around eight o'clock in the evening returning from a neighbouring village i was surprised to see a group of strange young men looking at passers-by in the park they wore amusing little hats topped by a long feather" "a group of travelling players, i'd have said, until i saw the weapons" "our town was occupied by italian soldiers" "their occupation did not seem to weigh too heavily" "only the censorship reminded us of a war grown distant i worked for a correspondence school relocated here, correcting essays" "monsieur edelman was a philosophy professor, also washed up here by war" "i liked sabine lévy the director's personal assistant seeing her, i took wing through time and space" "handsome beings, i felt, should have the right to command" "i took a keen pleasure in crossing ocular swords with her, until unable to sustain it any longer i had to lower my eyes, delighting in her victory" "she reminds me of those handsome youths in the scriptures loins girt, wielding a traveller's staff a sword or a rod, and who are angels" "she's like an amazon, like pallas like a samurai when she leans over me as i work, it feels as if she's a sheltering palm" "in other words, you want to sleep with her how horrible!" "No, sabine fascinates me because she's like a young man but gifted with singular charms, virility tinged with femininity" "everything about her charmed me her wide-ranging intelligence, her strange beauty" "i felt bound to her by ties stronger than those of coition" "the papers say germans are to occupy the town if we give them the glad eye, we won't get shot i'd rather get shot" "they'll be belated baptisms, that's all lucienne, jenny and i decided to have our children baptised as they were half-jewish or descended from communists we can alter the dates on the certificates" " what about godfathers and mothers?" " Yes, that's more difficult what we'll have to do is this i'll be godmother to your daughter france barny, you'll be godmother to my daughter and jenny's son jenny's husband will be godfather to both my daughter and your france" "i'll be godmother to jenny's daughter your two will have to do without a godfather." "We'll make notes of this" "quiet, or i'll sell you to the rabbit-skin man!" "Give me a hand, barny;" "clean her slippers" " no brush?" "Haven't you a cloth?" " Never mind, just use the curtain we mustn't keep the curé waiting." "Pierre's already there with emile" "don't bust your heads; at least, not till afterwards" "receive the salt of wisdom, in earnest of eternal life" " it's horrible!" " That's the war for you" "you're sure he won't ring the bells?" "The quartet emerged from the dark church christened by the grace of god and the germans" "the partisans embraced their families" "then headed back to the woods" "i find these believers and their priests a challenge they live off funds they hold in trust i want to say what i think." "Know what i'll do?" "I focused my attention on the church of saint-bernard" "not the oldest priest, who was not likely to respond to healthy ribbing" "there were two curates philippe demanoir" "and léon morin i had only the names to guide my choice" "philippe's family must have been bourgeois léon's, picking a name like that, were probably peasants so have at you, léon morin!" "I was afraid, but couldn't back out morin was scheduled to officiate at 5.30 p.m." "Religion is the opium of the people not exactly." "The bourgeoisie made it so, distorting it to their advantage but you let them do it, and now you're hand-in-glove with them the church lost the working classes, it's true; but we are reacting attending communion adds to the resolve of a striker from the young workers' catholic association" "injustice is an abomination to the christian heart even if religion had remained pure that still wouldn't prove it held the truth" "of course not" " it's good of you to have come - good?" "I'm here as an enemy i don't think so is it long since you last confessed?" "Since my first communion..." "not that i'm confessing i know acknowledging one's faults isn't easy i don't believe in god, so that's irrelevant are you sure?" "Do you never pray?" "Only unawares, a leftover habit from childhood, a weakness you are proud, aren't you?" "Do you sometimes lie?" " Have you ever stolen?" "What was it?" " Food do you sometimes give way to anger?" " Do you sin against purity?" " I don't know" " will you deprive yourself for others?" " Only for my daughter" " do you fulfil duties to the state?" " More or less are you realizing your capacities to their maximum potential?" "Saint paul said the world would be better if you were you've made a good confession;" "now ask for forgiveness who from?" "From..."x"" "we'll stay like this until the end of the world you've no backbone" "shall i give you a penitence?" "Yes, it will be good for you on leaving the confessional, go and kneel..." " on one of the velvet chairs?" " No, on the flagstones it will be hard on your knees." "There you will pray however you think fit i'm not a believer, so any pseudo- praying would be derisory our prayers are always derisory, being so far beneath him we address but when the person saying them does so seriously, in full belief?" "Is the effort less worthy than the belief?" "I feel no remorse i should hope not." "Judas had remorse, and he hanged himself it is repentance, the opposite of remorse, that is expected of us i could repent only if i had elected to live by christian moral standards even if you do not make such a choice, you live in a christianized world" "you know it if you sin against the collective conscience are you always pleased with yourself?" "No, but my behaviour is determined by heredity, associations, circumstances you're a robot, then?" "Bow your head so that i may give you absolution easy to manage, aren't i?" "Moderately" "i absolve you of your sins in the name of the father, the son and the holy spirit" "may the passion of our lord jesus christ the righteousness of the blessed virgin mary and of all the saints all the good you have done and all your sufferings aid in the remittance of your sins the acquisition of grace and the conquest of eternal life." "So be it should i lend you some books?" "The presbytery is opposite the moderne cinema." "When could you come?" "Only in the evenings how about wednesday at 8.30?" "Third floor abbé morin, you won't forget?" "Go now" "i remembered then the pain i had suffered" "i walked in joy, light, airy and fragile because my thoughts ran so free, or because i had been absolved?" "On wednesday evening i walked across town, stopping to look in windows taking short cuts, making detours but arriving at the appointed time at the alleyway which separated the presbytery from the church" "how have things been going since we met?" "Was the road to saint-bernard a hard one?" "No, but i'll never again enter a church, except as a tourist" " all of us are tourists in a way - no, the gilding scandalizes some me, too; the fire is the best place for all the rich trappings" " you say that, a priest?" " You think priests like the trappings?" "They help them to survive not all of us." "Some fight; it's hard, but we have made some progress here, for example, we've only one class of funeral before, sometimes three priests buried someone." "What's the point?" "It's not a sacrament, it's just a rite we aren't undertakers;" "we're there for the living if that's your progress, reducing the number of priests from three to one... we also did away with collections money is always a church problem, so poor people feel they can't attend" "yes, but that's to do with the non-application of christ's teaching the prime question is:" "Is his teaching valid?" " How do you see christ?" " I've read the gospels, of course" " and renan - is that all?" "Well, giovanni papini's story of christ no great shakes, papini" "jesus christ, by karl adam, tubingen university professor, no less take this book with you." "Can you come again on friday evening?" "I'll never have finished the book by then we can meet anyway trying to convert me?" "Only you and our lord can manage that" " why lend me books, then?" " Wouldn't you, in my position?" "I don't know." "But why do you want me to come back?" "Don't you want to exchange ideas with people like yourself... wild cat?" "That was mostly on monday." "I'm sorry, i don't know what got into me no, no, it was fun" "good-bye, till friday" "he comes on like a militant:" "Citizen, priest, comrade, abbé he must be doing that deliberately to disconcert me" "finished already?" "You read it much too quickly once i'd started, i couldn't put it down" "from your catholic standpoint, i'm done for if i continue as an atheist?" "No, you're not done for, even if you continue to live as an atheist but there's no salvation outside the church what matters is the invisible church, which is greater than the visible one what is the invisible church?" "Humanity of great goodwill what a mess." "People don't bring books back, and i've no time to sort them" " it's strange, i chanced on you - it was providential why should i choose your books?" "Come and take whatever you fancy" "take it" "let me see" "of course!" "I don't know if i'm doing you a favour, lending you this you're full of quibbles anyway well, if it's what you want" " nothing else?" " I haven't too much time what did you think of the karl adam book?" "Powerful and original." "It made me believe in god while i was reading it a feeling you soon got over, luckily how can i believe without proof?" "There doesn't have to be any proof belief in god is not cerebral, a scientific idea, as you seem to think belief in god is an acceptance by every particle of your being if you fall in love, you do so without proof." "Faith likewise:" "Moral certainty plenty of religious books list so- called proofs of god's existence those are merely guides to help us along part of the way there's always a precipice one must negotiate alone if there were proofs, everyone would believe" "there wouldn't even be any need for belief; you'd know, understand, see it wouldn't be faith down here, it would be heaven" "i'm going to draw your portrait" "that's you now i'll draw god" "the dot tries to contain the circle, but it's not possible, as you see the dot should be in the circle, and not try to reverse the roles what is the circle waiting for?" "For you to move." "If god forced our allegiance, we'd no longer be free your comparison between loving god and loving someone isn't quite appropriate you love someone without proofs, but you have proof the loved one exists you seem always to be wondering whether god exists or not" "god doesn't have existence;" "god is existence as jehovah says, "i am he who is"" "that's a bit like saying x equals x what i was left considering, after i finished the book was whether this existence of god is a personal existence do you find human beings to be endowed with personality?" "Where can this personality come from unless from a higher personality?" "Not necessarily we could have a progression from earlier, undifferentiated species where does the power to progress come from?" "Can the lesser drive the greater?" "All this is academic maybe the lesser could drive the greater so you believe in spontaneous generation?" "Of course you, father, have all the arguments at hand to make me believe but an atheist would marshal opposing arguments of equal force probably." "We shouldn't be chatting like this; words are of little use god is above all a reality we experience individually different for each of us and incommunicable" "incommunicable?" "How dreadful why?" "What difference does it make to you whether god exists or doesn't?" "What difference?" "It was the only thing that mattered to me in my philosophy class" " i considered suicide because of him - very imaginative these conversation with morin, one or more evenings a week became part of my life" "i felt at home, as i never had anywhere before in that parlour with its polished floor and air of a disused laundry" "the italians fought all night, they refused to submit to german orders they gave in only after their ammunition ran out" "alas, we won't see more of those strolling players and their plumes the germans are making a show of disinfecting territory they occupy as though to establish their difference from their allies" "deportations began" "today i had to go to the kommandantur." "It's my name, holdenberg." "I'm alsatian they said:" "Aren't you jewish?" "I assured them i wasn't" " but how can one be sure?" " Lf you were baptized, you aren't" " but protestants aren't baptized - yes, they are" " jews don't belong to the french race - there is no french race with all our scholars and inventors?" "When france speaks, the world listens" "that evening i stayed on late to correct some exercises" "the offices are closed, sir." "If you want to see the director... no, my dear colleague, it is you i came to see i just wanted to say good-bye." "I'm going away, leaving you you're monsieur edelman don't know him... don't know him any more edelman has become georges mauchamps once so sad, the grey eyes of the old philosophy professor gleamed with the light of adventure" "it's gone on for too long and i've had enough if my husband doesn't escape, that's too bad take these exercises to professor dumas" " can you give me the address, madame?" " No, find it for yourself" "they must go tonight had servants at your beck and call, had you?" "She's sex-starved and ashamed because her mother's a concierge what did you say?" "I could understand if you got angry, but motiveless malice is beyond me who says malice is easier to resist than anger?" "Did you know that an aryan woman like you, widow of a jew had two kids seized by the gestapo?" "I'd say that my husband wasn't france's father i'd invent an aryan father, one she resembles slightly, who won't deny it" "that was some slap, i can tell you." "I saw stars that barny... when she gets going!" "I decided to entrust dimitri to the farmers who looked after my daughter" "they're asking for papers" "we'll go across the fields, it'll be more fun." "Pick grass for the rabits" "this is dimitri." "He'll stay, so you will have a friend to play with why aren't you being nice to him?" "I've got a friend... titi serpolet;" "he looks after five cows" " why are your white shoes black now?" " She got them in an awful mess" " they should have been cleaned - the black was her idea" " why, if you please?" " Because my daddy is dead" "what are you doing here?" "Christine's face bore no trace of make-up the jewelled earrings had gone from her shapely ears you're not made-up any more?" " No, i removed it - why?" "I'm going to see my spiritual adviser not léon morin?" "Monsieur i'abbé morin." "And what are you doing here?" "The same as you; but you go ahead wait, don't go!" "It's funny that we never met there when i went to see him, i thought:" "At last i've found what i want" " you don't live around there - no, daniéle holdenberg took me yes, i remember her saying she sometimes went to see a priest he can be tough with me." "I sometimes want to slap him you and daniéle are both catholics?" "With a difference." "For her, religion is like the history of france but with me, it runs in my family's blood did monsieur i'abbé say anything to you about me?" "He said you were a strange girl is that all?" "I shouldn't tell, but he said "she is closer to god than my parishioners are"" "madame sangredin told you?" "Yes, with manual illustrations unsure whether he blamed me for the slap or the caress on the stairs i temporized i'm in love with a girl no sooner spoken than this dead fact revived i was gripped by the thought of sabine" "the men in your age group are away you are in my age group it's not the same for me..." "that's something else a girl you work with?" "Yes." "She's beautiful and intelligent;" "runs the whole thing she's like a ray of dark light." "Her name is sabine why not bring her here?" "She'd never come." "I'm her subordinate besides, i don't love her like i used to you've never loved, don't know what it means." "You're turned in on yourself" "hearing that, i can't help feeling a rush of joy not knowing whether the resistance is responsible or whether a lot of people are dying, i am filled with joy whenever trouble starts, i want to be there, purely for the pleasure of it" "i'm exactly the same." "We're all a poor lot with a taste for destruction human nature is corrupt, and we have to put up with it besides, this war has changed our lives." "People stream through my room sleep in my bed" " what people?" " Jews, of course you take in one and others come." "We mass produce certificates of baptism i get into trouble with the diocese madame lathuille couldn't keep france now so i decided to have her with me until i could place her elsewhere one day she came home from school beaming" "now i know everything." "We were told it all and i understood now i know who made me" " who?" " God!" " Who told you that?" " The gentleman... monsieur i'abbé" " where?" " At catechism... in the church" " you went to church?" " Not me..." "lucida trivoli took me they gave me this little book." "They can get a bread roll without coupons now i know god" " you didn't see him - he has no body, but it doesn't matter lucienne bernhadt introduced me to reine and aimée plantain two old maids anxious to have a child live in their country home" "when i was young i had lovely hair, a misfortune for a worker's daughter my sweetheart's mother prevented our marriage, because of my low status he died from the spanish flu, so she lost him, too" " please take those off - why?" "I have to see people's eyes." "I hate any barriers church pillars, for instance, prevent worshippers from seeing the altar and all that darkness is dreadful we need vast, ultra-modern churches bathed in sunlight religious skyscrapers no, but a cathedral all in glass would be nice, wouldn't it?" "Probably someone who thinks the presbytery is a bed-sitter" "just put it on the billiard-table" "who's that?" "I've no idea what does the abbé think of your vichyism?" "He says he'll help me if they put me against a wall after the liberation what happened to your hair?" "He threatened to refuse me absolution if i went on dying it he knows exactly what it costs." "One of his penitants must be a hairdresser he advized me to imitate "the simplicity of communist women"" "i twigged right away that by communist women he meant you he's completely sovietized;" "you've done a great job there no, he's communizing me i told him my mother accused young communists of committing themselves before they were mature" ""they're right" he said. "committing yourself achieves maturity"" "in a meadow beside the house where the plantain sisters lived german recruits were put through training exercises every day" "have you been good?" "Long have i loved you, never will i forget you will you be here always?" "No, we're being relieved and sent to russia i did so want you to stay for always" " she's not too much trouble?" " No, she's a very good little girl i hope you work hard at school oh yes; our teacher died, though." "But it's all right, we got a new one when you die, what should i plant on your grave?" "Nothing expensive, because i'll need my money for my children who gave you this bracelet?" "It was my friend günther a very nice boche i'm in love with" "summer came the germans had imposed an 8 o'clock curfew for an indefinite period so i couldn't go to morin, and i had books to return i took a chance and went there one saturday morning" "monsieur i'abbé, will there be salutation of the blessed sacrament?" "Here's the key; i'll see you up there" "i was surprised by his behaviour in the presence of such people i'd never seen anyone so careless of what people might say" "here, i kept it for you you won't take anything from anyone?" "But i do; i accept this gift of your time gift?" "So you do; all right, eat this pear, then pure pride; you're more middle-class than the middle-classes you despise" "all right, i'll give it to someone less foolish." "Life should be simple" " are you simple?" " I don't know." "I give that impression?" "You don't give me any impression are you simple, monsieur i'abbé?" "Yes, i think so" " what do you think of me?" " Nothing that's not possible i make no judgement; no one will ask me how worthy you are but i'm here, right in front of you." "I must have some effect on you your effect on me is that of an embryo you accuse me of pride." "Why is it so bad to be proud?" " It shows lack of personal respect - it shows the great respect one has" " self-deception - how so?" "Assuming more importance then you have the angelus rang out he'll have to pose like millet's painting or ignore the call and look either ridiculous or inadequate do you know the angelus?" "The angel tells mary she has conceived through the holy spirit and will become the mother of god the word is become flesh and lives among us holy mother of god, pray for us" "and you, if you weren't above such things, would say:" ""That we may be made worthy of the teachings of jesus christ"" "you should paint your toenails" "you need a husband never mind, i do it with a bit of stick" " you could hurt yourself - that doesn't scare me" "during these silences, are you asking the holy spirit to help you out?" "My poor little chatterbox, how you do trifle with words you didn't answer me." "Are your silences asides to the holy spirit?" "When i talked like that as a boy, i was sent to the hayloft to talk" "why am i horrible to you?" "It's how you are." "It will pass i'll go" "not taking a book today?" "No hard feelings?" "What's wrong, sabine?" "What's happened?" "My mother wrote that my brother's been arrested by the gestapo she had a letter from him saying he was being sent to germany" "he signed off with the words, "long live france"" "they heard nothing more of him sabine ran the office as usual" "increasingly racked, her face lost most of its beauty type this up in three copies, to be signed by the director" "within a few weeks she had aged several years" "please do come in, madame" "where were we, my church sparrow?" "I think what repels me about christianity is its self-interest you do or don't do things to ensure your claim to paradise so if a seed is sown in you, you don't want it to grow?" "Heaven grows from a grain remember our lord and the mustard seed?" " Your lord - he is yours as much as mine not if i refuse you can refuse to have the earth go round; it won't make much difference" "i'm unhappier than ever since i talked to you of what interests me i can't not read the books you lend me, though they upset me they wear me out i'm tormented, harried, persecuted i feel i should never come to see you again, but i can't help myself" "grace at work, we call that at night i thought, ; belief in god makes a nice ladder of the universe" "but discussions with morin are disconcerting i charge on, only to find the obstacle gone still buoyed by impulse i fall, and no longer know where i am i am lost, without an adversary." "Morin is faultless to my eyes part of my loft was strewn with rubble i decided to spend whit monday throwing it out" "it was then that disaster struck" "monsieur i'abbé, i've something to tell you i am on fire" "i am converted." "I am at your command what has happened?" "Nothing." "I am returning to catholicism" " why?" " I am cornered; i give in maybe you're tired, or undernourished these days i am not tired, and we just had an issue of potatoes why do you wish to convert?" "I don't want to, i have to" " what does conversion mean to you?" " Starting to follow christ's precepts what precepts?" "To be always poor, to start loving people to help them as best one can, renouncing one's own interests to pray to god, to receive the sacraments to be received within the church" "think before you make a decision affecting your whole life it isn't my decision;" "i have no choice you only think you have no choice because of your tense, exalted state oh no; i was quite calm, all alone in the loft" " what happened in the loft?" " Nothing happened at all on the contrary, everything stopped" " how do you mean?" " Like when the arsenal blew up this girl is crazy" " this is happening against my will - so it's a possession i must exorcise?" "Monsieur i'abbé, you tried your hardest to make a christian of me yet now you discourage me from following your lord why should you follow him?" "Because his teachings may not have been wrong you'll blight your existence, ruin your whole life" "you're obviously saying that to test me but i already know that after this, nothing worse could happen to me" "have you thought of being protestant?" "They number many fine people why must you mock me so, monsieur i'abbé?" "I'm not mocking, just facing facts." "So what to do?" "Before receiving communion, i must confess." "At my parish church?" " No, you can come to saint-bernard - would it be you who... yes, it's best since we know each other mondays, wednesdays, fridays, saturdays, 5.30 to 7.00, 7.30 to 8.00 or before morning mass" "i'll come tomorrow night all right; if you change your mind, it doesn't matter" "now i've seen everything" " good day, barny - oh, no" " why so impressed?" " Through vanity it will pass, you'll see." "It's nothing at all." "Repeat after me lord, lighten my conscience, that i may know my trespasses against you and atone for them through humble confession true contrition and sincere penitence" "lord, lighten my conscience that i know my trespasses against you... and atone for them through humble confession..." " do i absolutely have to repeat that?" " Yes, but no hurry; take your time" " and atone for them..." " through humble confession... through humble confession, true contrition and sincere penitence your spirit filled with goodness will lead me to the right path" "lord, you will instill me with your justice" "your hands are pure?" "Your body is a temple of the holy spirit you must have great respect for it" "don't you wonder at the human organism?" "You shouldn't abuse it, then." "Will you eschew vicious practices?" "Are you pleasant in your office?" "The others hate me because i'm a convert do you love them?" "I can't." "I adore god, if he exists, becaust he's perfect." "But not them john says that he who claims to love god, but not his neighbour, is a liar is anything else amiss?" "When i first came here, i lied to myself in thinking it was in mockery i think i'd been play-acting for months, that i was running away that's known as resistance to grace." "Is that all?" "For these faults, simply repeat this once:" "Lord, let me love my neighbour as myself, for love of you" "the lightness of this penitence distressed me" " you must start going to catechism - i've been going for a long time why didn't you tell me?" "You wouldn't have liked it" " why didn't the plantains tell me?" " Oh, they don't know" " when do you go?" " After school" " don't they worry when you're late?" " They think i've been kept in" " it's nice that you're back - i'm suffering terribly lmagine a snail stripped of its shell, but still alive covered with wounds it drags through the rocks and filth" ""the sun will heal all wounds"" "how can you, so capable of true fellow-feeling, be a collaborator?" "France can't survive in any other way even if that's true, even if the resistance is doomed to failure even if collaboration is france's only path to survival as a christian you've no right to take it" "and why not?" "Better france dead than in mortal sin france isn't in a state of mortal sin because it condones collaboration yes it is, because it lets innocent people be deported or killed like sabine's brother, for instance, one of many" "all resistance gets you is reprisals so you, a catholic, would let my daughter be deported so yours can have milk?" "So we must sacrifice loved ones to no end?" "Deportees are your people, too not the jews oh yes, our lord is a jew" "what i want is to get married i'm preparing a trousseau with front-buttoning undergarments to facilitate suckling the awful thing is that boys will follow me in the street let me introduce you to someone who might help you" "he's a priest, interested in young people" " is he young?" "How old?" " The same age as me" " when could we go?" " Tomorrow, for instance?" "He's good-looking" "now that arlette said it, i realized that morin was indeed good-looking i wondered vaguely if it was a sin, pleasure in my confessor's looks" "but no, i reassured myself, what could the harm be?" "Jesus was handsome, the gospel tells us beauty is a gift from god thank you, lord, for the perfection of your servant, morin" "arlette already seemed less flighty transmission of his thoughts made morin's visitors seem akin to him" "i don't often go to communion." "I take little delight in it do you think i do?" "Don't ask more of communion than what it must offer" "i have shopping to do." "I must leave you" "did you see?" "The hotel clarmont blown up didn't you see?" "I thought it was on your way" "you walked through the ruins without noticing the clarmont had gone?" "No, i didn't notice" " something's very wrong there - i've always been absent-minded all right, but not that absent-minded what does it matter?" "What troubles you so, monsieur i'abbé?" "It's no sin not to have noticed a blown-up hotel sin or no sin, something is amiss returning home, i again crossed the square where the clarmont had stood" "my recent blindness troubled me i'm seeing morin next saturday." "He gave me a book to do a resumé of when we parted, he said:" ""Good-bye, little butterfly"" "what book?" "It's hard going, i don't understand it. "the glorious rise of faith"" "if i can't finish it, i won't dare go back there again" "a friend needs you, monsieur i'abbé." "Marion lamiral, she's being divorced she is keeping up the morale of five lovers two militiamen, a resistance man, a black marketeer, and now a german as a bank employee she lacks time to serve resistance, vichy and germany" "her appointment book's a mess and she's taken to trafficking in gold i would indeed like to meet this interesting person" "monsieur i'abbé, may i introduce marion lamiral?" "An earring is missing yes... i forgot to put it back after telephoning" " how old are you?" " Twenty-six also i thought so; we were in the same class at school." "What do you do?" "All sorts of things" " for instance?" " For instance, i'm getting divorced why, may i ask?" "He doesn't want me any more." "He has good reasons for that" "the abbé went to see marion's husband." "To ask him to take her back did he agree?" "Not at all!" "The abbé was lucky to get a civil welcome one thing, though." "She's fallen for the abbé; she says she'll have him" " can you understand such a thing?" " Not as far as i'm concerned i couldn't ever forget that a priest is consecrated in holy orders but sacrilege doesn't bother marion." "She sees a man, and she wants him she really thinks she can get him?" "She's sure of it; says she's never known disappointment in that area" "you should become a country priest i'd be your housekeeper" "that's an idea; but a priest's housekeeper must be old and ugly in a few years time it might be possible" "i want to look on you with loving eyes" " they will never seem loving to me - because it is forbidden to you?" "I'm afraid your eyes aren't a very pleasant sight not enough mascara?" "I'll use more next time what's it to be like when you've enough?" "Poor bird-brain, perhaps by next time you'll have got things settled" "my dear child, christ is filled with love for you you are among his favourites." "I think heaven is designed specially for you" "beloved lord permit me to pray like marion, and with marion" "marion of the gold, marion of the five lovers, enters the confessional i saw marion at saint-bernard." "She made confession typically, that's where it ends she left town yesterday with a new protector" "would you mind hurrying up a bit?" "Forgotten how to walk?" "Last night someone fired from the bell-tower, towards the hotel now occupied by the militia and their families about one, someone yelled from the street: "father, come down quickly!"" "I took my time about it." "The bell-tower was lit up i had to open the church and we climbed up what happened to the men shooting?" "Flown away" "monsieur i'abbé, what i don't understand is how jesus came to die abandoned by god what's that you say?" "My god, my god, why hast thou forsaken me?" "No, no." "Being a jew, jesus died as a jew and quoted psalm 22, which is a jewish prayer" "my god, my god, why has thou forsaken me?" "Why art thou so far from helping me and from the words of my roaring?" "And it ends with a homage to god for the kingdom is jehovah's and he is the governor among nations jehovah, god of jews and christians" "it's absurd that i have to think about that so as not to forget it not only you." "Jesus didn't pick psalm 22 at random he chose it because it applies specifically to him they pierced my hands and my feet they parted my garments amongst them" "don't forget the old testament is a jewish book, which the messiah knew jehovah chose a christ of flesh and blood and he was granted youth he chose to die in the prime of life so that preserved by this rejuvenation, god will never die" "i think my irritation with old ladies mouthing paternosters and old men blocking progress in the church is indeed a specifically christian irritation" "crossing is strictly forbidden!" "You know about sabotage!" "It is written in french:" ""Crossing forbidden"" "i never saw it" "suddenly the atmosphere changed" "what's this little boy up to?" "Go to hell!" "Not nice... not nice" "no shoes until the town is liberated" "one morning the town woke up free the germans had left, their great war machine doing a midnight flit" " they're sure to shoot me - maybe not" "please collect your daughter at once." "She's destructive, she wears us out you didn't have to come to town for that." "I wanted to collect her, anyway we wanted to see the shorn women paraded." "So we came here afterwards" "my bike had been stolen, so i had to collect france on foot" "i tried to cry, hoping he'd relent" "he wants to kill you?" "I can't leave my daughter all alone, so won't be coming here then we won't see each other?" "Could i come to you?" "Would you mind?" "I don't know when i'll be free, but one of these days" "you know gym well!" "We learn lots of things at the seminary, even boxing back to bed, or you'll catch cold" "i had never spoken of him to my daughter, or mentioned his visit i was greatly surprised to see her behave like that" "first steps towards jesus" " well, if you were my daughter..." " i wish i was" "i don't know if it's the effects of first steps, but she's now impossible when i correct her, she says:" ""You see the mote but not the beam"" "when i threaten her with hell, it's:" ""Hell is for grown-ups, not children"" "i gave her a real smacking you're right to discipline her, but be careful not to go too far" "i got thrashed as a kid, more often than i deserved sent to bed without supper half the time why was your father so harsh?" "Why was your father so harsh?" "It wasn't my father; he never touched me." "It was my mother why did she beat you?" "If i was late home from school, i'd get hit on the calves with a stick i'd grit my teeth being late wasn't your fault it was; we'd fight all the six kilometres home from school" " she beat you just for that?" " I also told a lot of lies because you were afraid of her?" "Did she also beat your sisters?" "No, my sisters stuck to the straight and narrow" " your mother was too harsh - she thought she was doing right so you didn't have a happy childhood of course i did, silly, don't look so surprised i didn't get whacked every day, you know" "what made your childhood happy?" "The atmosphere... it was nice at home what was it like at your home?" "We woke at six in the morning, left at seven sundays my father tended the goats, taking several newspapers with him mother said that once, going to church, my father saw a hare he thought no, if i go home for my gun i'll be late for mass" "when he came back after mass, the hare was still there he went for his gun, fired, and got it" " your mother... any resentment?" " Yes, i felt resentment" " throughout your seminary days?" " Only as long as the pain lasted how old were you when you entered the seminary?" "I entered the junior seminary at twelve how come you wanted to be a priest, being pretty much of a bad boy?" "That doesn't come into it you want to be a priest to save souls, that's all even a bad boy can have an idea like that" "your mother was harsher than most, but you were a child like any other rather worse than most i once broke a cow's leg, making it jump a fence needless to say, the owner well and truly tanned my hide" "that didn't change you." "You're still trying to get ruminants to fly it's what i'm here for you'll be breaking another leg never mind, if it's in trying" "brethren, is it the cold that makes you sluggish?" "I hope the sunny weather will bring you to life some busily tell their beads at mass, though it is hardly the right moment others pray before a statue meanwhile the holy sacrament awaits, alive and present" "and everyone leaves before the final gospel are you so anxious to leave your god, you sunday christians?" "Let us not live like those disciples who pressed so closely upon our lord almost stifling him and preventing others seeing him or drawing close" "if you are christian only in name you discourage the hesitant from joining us whereas each of you should be an apostle let us sing mass with more vigour, less faltering in the final stages" "two things i am absolutely certain of, yet they are contradictory the abbé is the most spiritually elevated person i have ever known" "and on sunday, without a shadow of doubt his passing so close that his sleeve brushed me was deliberate you can guess how i felt he does such things sometimes." "Hardly surprising that he got told off do you think he's just teasing in doing such things, having fun?" "It must be what's called the glorious freedom of the children of god" ""love, and do as you wish"." "But it destroys me he's being stimulating." "It's dangerous, but he's afraid of nothing" "it was at night... forgive me, o lord." "Watch over my thoughts let me not offend you, even in my dreams" "to use when there's no electricity." "It's a funeral candle" " what were you doing?" " Chopping wood" " i'll chop some for you - no, not you" "jeanne the axe" "have you any wire?" "If you were a protestant clergyman, would you marry me?" "Of course i'm serious in asking you that." "I need to know if you weren't a priest, would you take me as your wife?" "A hand, in a single gesture, had taken everything from me" "i didn't see him again for a long time" "one sunday, walking in the hills, seeing the town spread out below with its pink and red roofs i couldn't stop staring at a bell-tower" "i was thinking that he would be there right now and since it was time for vespers, that he would be singing" "i've brought some books for daniéle christine tells me you'll visit her at the sanatorium" "there's one for you. "traditional dogmatism and empiriocriticism"" "it looks hard going; i don't think i'll be able to understand you've never given me the impression of being entirely stupid" ""traditional dogmatism"." "You understand that, right?" "And empiriocriticism?" "No?" "Empiriocriticism is a central doctrine based on empiricism that is, that all knowledge is derived from sense-experience you follow me?" "So, empiriocriticism means the limits of experience" "it's so warm!" "Lord, grant my desire just once only that once and afterwards blessed be the eternal torment" "you're not mademoiselle sabine it's already over, luckily." "Look at people when they talk to you if only you called on god as you do on evil, that is prayer you won't come any more" "why not?" "I'd miss discussing hypostasis with you" "you must go to confession no... to tell someone else... you'll confess to me, and i already know to you?" "Confession is a chore for me, too, but i do it often enough you confess often?" "You never sin." "I suppose you take on the sins of others some brickbats are wasted." "You'll be there tonight, won't you?" "After 5.30. i'll wait until you turn up my daughter, after school... bring her along." "I'll hear her confession, too" "my soul felt like a bordello" "keep your coat on." "We're going to confession" " what sins have you committed?" " Never you mind tell me, and i'll tell you mine" " help me, father - no need." "I am listening i failed... i said... i don't know what my sin is called you're a dead branch just now." "Do you know what happens to dead branches?" " What?" " They're cut off" " what happens to them?" " They're burned i am listening" "i tried to induce evil... please don't leave your sentences unfinished i tried to make a priest break his vows." "Breaking the ninth commandment" "tomorrow you go to see daniéle." "Try to see that your visit does her good you can do each other good as penitence, each evening kneel and read some of "traditional dogmatism"" "now go, wholly at peace" "i went, almost at peace i'm off to preach the gospel to the nations of the earth" "or rather, to local communities how so?" "I'm leaving saint-bernard for a small village one of a cluster with no priest another priest and i will visit them in turns, assisted by two young girls that's "a mission"." "France is now a land of missions" "it's not a move that delights me why aren't you pleased?" "In the country, before we get serious, talk is always about rabbits and pigs besides, i like parish life when it's smooth." "The mission's not so sure the villages are divided over political matters less worrying, they've had no priest for goodness knows how long so they're completely de-christianized no dissention there." "It's almost virgin territory but it will take generations to get anywhere" "what are you doing there?" "Watch out for those apples;" "you'll be in trouble i wouldn't mind, if i knew what you're saying what do you want to know?" "Before he made the world, did god do nothing?" "Did he get bored?" "Maybe, i don't know." "He made the world through love" " why not ask him what he did before?" " That's something we are not to know" " not even you?" " No more than anyone else" " will we never know?" " We will when we die how i'd like to be dead meanwhile, back to bed you go." "Get up again, and i'll pull your ears" "i'd like a prayer that doesn't exist it's not nice, having to tell god the same things every time we'll fix that for you" "it's not exactly a prayer for little girls, but here it is anyway" "lord, give us what you have left, that no one else ever asks for i ask not for rest and tranquillity of either mind or body you are asked so often for those, lord, that you must run out" "give me, lord, what you have left, that others reject give me what others do not want, and give me strength and courage for only you can give me what one can only find within oneself" "wondrous is the irony of god i passionately wanted this man to come to my room." "Here he is not forswarn and compliant as i wished, but handsome in his piety lulling my child, one of his flock, to sleep with a poem thank you, lord, for loving him more than i do for doing more than i asked, ;" "thank you for your forbearance our office was returning to paris, so i was leaving about the same time he said he'd come to say good-bye, but days passed, i was anxious wondering if he'd already gone" "the abbé leaves tomorrow." "Can you see him tonight?" "He hasn't time to visit" "we're ready to cast off" "so that was all he owned" "i've no socks left can i help you to finish packing?" "Thanks, but it's all done;" "everything's here there's just my backpack to strap on tomorrow the piano's been moved already?" "It was hired, so it has gone back." "I won't have time to play now, anyway that's so sad no, i'll cut holes in a reed i'll go now." "Thank you for everything have you no questions, this last evening?" "I always will have, so i'd better shut up dust off the chair with that rag and sit down" "now, what's the song for today?" "Nothing, just a point of detail i don't understand your saying that the jansenists were heretics what about the miracle of the holy thorn?" "Why wouldn't god let heretics have their miracles?" "Do you think he loves them less than the rest?" "It was you who made me think of god as catholic in temporal language, let's call him the universal catholic which doesn't exclude him being called other things." "Did he not say:" "In my father's house are many mansions contradictory mansions maybe." "The contradictions are mostly in our minds, mister mole" "this time i really am going" "good-bye, till we meet again till we meet again... that's what everyone says we shall meet again." "Not in this world... in the next" "god keep you"