"Why do we have to go shopping?" "It's just a couple of things, all right?" "Come on, stop whining." "I want to go home!" "What did I say?" "This is boring." "Look, just be good, and we'll stop by the rum department, all right?" "Go get us a thing of broccoli, Ally." "I hate broccoli." "Hey, your mom makes the list, okay?" "If it was up to me, it'd be all marshmallows." "Go." "Let's get some marshmallows." "Excuse me." "No free sampling." "I'm not sampling." "I've had this before." "Yeah, right, well, it's not a snack bar." "Relax, pal, I just took a little." "Yeah, well, if everybody steals a little, the store goes a little bit out of business." "What, are you calling me a thief?" "Only 'cause you're taking something without paying for it." "How much did I take, a nickel's worth?" "Here." "Here's a quarter." "Keep the change." "Don't throw money at me." "Oh, yeah?" "What are you gonna do?" "Let's go, Dad." "Sorry, I'm real sorry." "Hey, don't apologize for me." "He's the one blowing a gasket over a handful of birdseed." "It's called stealing, cue ball!" "I got hair, porky!" "Don't turn your back on me, I'm standing right here." "We're gonna go." "Dad, let's go look at some meat." "Yeah, let's get out of here." "You got problems, pal." " Hey, I'm a veteran!" " Okay, Dad, okay!" "Look at him!" "You're telling me he's never done any sampling?" "!" "Come on, Dad!" "I'm going back to teaching." "Ray, can I have some chips?" "Why don't you go to Amy for chips?" "I go to Amy's for other things." "Here's your chips, and I owe you a nightmare." "Ray, what happened with your Dad today at the supermarket?" " What do you mean?" " Ally's pretty upset." "She said he was screaming and calling a man names." "It was nothing." "The produce guy accused him of stealing." "Was he stealing?" "He was sampling the trail mix." "You're not allowed to sample the trail mix." "Hence the hullabaloo." "So Ally saw your father steal food and then watched him make a big scene in public." "Ah, her first time." "The rite of passage." "I remember mine-- the New York State Thruway," "Dad throwing pennies at the toll collector." "Yeah." "This time he threw a quarter." "Inflation." "It's not funny, it's not funny." "Why can't he behave himself?" "Why can't a dog play the trumpet?" "It's not funny, Robert." "What?" "It's no big deal." "You want me to talk to her?" "No, I don't want you to talk to her." "I want you to talk to him." "I'll talk to her." "No, Ray." "Your father has to realize that he's not a gorilla." "He's got grandkids." "He has to set an example." "You really should go say something to him." " Why don't you?" " Don't need to." "Your daughter, your problem." "You're stupid, you're ugly." "Come on, Ray, you gotta say something." "Talk to him." "Look at him, he's so peaceful." " For crying out loud, I'll do it." " No, you're too mean." " What?" " Nothing." "I'll do it." "Hey, Dad, can we turn this off for a second?" " Hey!" " What are you doing?" "We're watching here." "All right, look, Dad." "We think you should know that Ally was kind of upset about what happened with the guy at the market." "Okay." "Turn the TV back on." "Wait a second." "What happened?" "Aw, the jackass fruit guy accused me of stealing." "Frank, please!" "They're homosexuals." "No, the guy who works in the fruit department, the fat one." "Jimmy?" "Ooh, I love him." "He's the one who gets me the good peaches." "What were you stealing?" "Nothing. I just took a little of the snacking mix out of the thing." "Oh, well, that's not stealing." "Technically, Mom, it is theft." "Petty theft." "Unless you ate more than $100's worth." "Did you?" "No, I didn't, Officer Doofus." "Besides, I paid for it." "You threw a quarter at the guy." "Tossed." "Frank, is this really the way you want to behave in front of your granddaughter?" "You know, Debra, far be it from me to ever take his side, but I do think it's horrible what's happened to that store." "They used to give you samples all the time." "And they also used to help you take your bags to the car." "Now I have to take you to the car myself." "I was on your side." "Stealing is only a part of this." "Why did you have to lose your temper and then yell at the guy?" "He was yelling at me!" "But there's other ways to handle the situation." "Hey, you weren't there!" "The guy had it coming!" "But not with your granddaughter watching." "It could affect her." "I still twitch at tollbooths." "You know what?" "I'm glad Ally saw that." "She's gotta learn you can't take crap from people!" "Frank... have you ever heard the saying," ""lt takes a village to raise a child"?" "I believe that." "And I believe that you're a part of our village." "We're just trying to teach them proper values." "Listen, I don't know what the hell village you're talking about... but I live in Real World, USA." "So you can spare me your lecture." "You listen to me!" "Come with me for a minute." "Something has to be done!" "He's a public menace!" "I know, I know." "I think our village found its idiot." "Why didn't you let me kill him?" "That would be very nice, dear." "But the truth is, this all could've been avoided if Raymond had handled him better in the supermarket." "What?" "!" "He was an animal!" "Yes." "And you let him off his leash." "If you take a dog to a supermarket, and he has an accident in the frozen food aisle, is it the dog's fault?" "Did Dad ever do that?" "I'm saying, you know how your father is." "And there are ways to prevent this kind of scene." "First of all, I try to be with him if he's ever going to be anywhere there might be people." "But Ray was with him." "What was he supposed to do?" "Before you even got to the snack section, you should've had a Hershey bar or a Zagnut here in your pocket." "That's true." "He responds to treats." "Do you know why this kind of thing doesn't happen when I'm around?" "Because I compensate." "He's horrible, and I have a certain..." "Oh, that's great, Marie." "So you want to be with him all the time, then?" "Uh, no." "Well, somebody needs to straighten him out." " No, leave him." " He'll watch television, then I'll take him home, make some cannelloni, he'll burp, and he'll feel better." "You're an enabler." "You're actually rewarding his horrible behavior with Italian food." "That's exactly how the mafia works." "Well, I'm gonna speak to him." "Put some candy in your pocket!" "Mommy, can you play Twister with us?" "Yeah, that's a good idea, Mommy." "We can all play, like a happy family." "Twister stinks!" "Hey, kids, you wanna watch something funny?" "Sit down. "Abbot and Costello Meet the Mummy."" "Hey, Ally, come here." "Mom, may I please go play computer?" "Uh, sure, honey, for a little while." "What was that about?" "All of a sudden I have the plague?" "What did you say to her?" "I didn't say a word." "Want some candy?" "If you didn't say anything, then you did." "You badmouthed me, didn't you?" "I did not." "We told you, Ally had some strong feelings about what happened." "What a coincidence." "She just happens to be feeling the same thing that you two were thinking." "Maybe it was what her grandfather was doing." "Turning a kid against her grandpa-- real classy!" "Couldn't mind your own business?" "That's something to work on, Debra." " Hey." " lt's all squishy!" "Hey." "What's up?" "I'm working." "Nothing." "is the, uh... girl around?" " Ally?" " Yeah." "Yeah." "The girl's in the backyard." "Listen, I was thinking maybe I should have a talk with her." " Oh, yeah?" " Yeah. I, uh... I want to have a talk with her." "Okay, all right, so-so have a talk with her." "No big deal or anything." "What do I say to her?" "What?" "What do I say to her?" "I've never talked to her." "I think I've seen you talk to her." "No." "I've read her stories, I've stolen her nose, I've told her, "Hey, get down from there!"" "but I've never talked to her." "What do I do?" "Uh, all right, just, you know, start kind of easy." "Say something nice or start with a joke." "You know, and then just say what you want to... to the girl." "What joke do I tell?" "I don't know." "Okay." "What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?" " What?" " You're too young to smoke." "That's terrible." "It's a kids' joke." "I'm not doing that joke." "All right." "Don't do a joke then." "Just talk, all right?" "You don't got to start with anything." "She knows you." "You're Grandpa." "She's familiar with your work." "All right." "Come with me." "No." "What are you so scared of?" "You were in a war!" "That was different." "They gave me a rifle." "Just glad they took it back." "I'm gonna get you!" "Hey, kids, what, are you playing here?" "Hey, come on, boys, go inside." "Your dad's got candy and chocolate fudgey balls for you." "Go on inside." "Ally, can I talk to you for a second?" "Okay." "Can we, uh, sit somewhere?" "Okay, uh... so, Ally, what did the Mexican fire chief name his two sons?" "Jose and Hose "B."" "That was one of your father's jokes." "So, uh, listen, Ally, I, uh... I understand you were mad or something about what happened at the supermarket." "But what you don't understand is" "You took that stuff, and then you yelled at that man." "It was scary." "Hey, listen..." "You don't ever need to be scared of me." "You see, what I did was take a little sample." "And that's not stealing." "In fact, they call it "sampling."" "But the sign said "no sampling."" "Oh, you're reading now." "I'm proud of you." "That's good." "But, see, I think the sign is wrong." "I think they should allow people to sample because that way, if you try it, you might want to buy it." "But I could never get to that because of that jack... man." "You were yelling at him." "Oh, listen, Ally, people get mad at people sometimes." "You get mad at people sometimes, like your little brothers there." "They must be annoying as hell, am I right?" "So, anyway, I mean, when they really bother you, you yell at them just the way I yelled at the fruit guy." "You know?" "But just because you yell at somebody, it doesn't mean you're a bad person." "Does it?" "Right." "But if I do that, then I have to apologize to them." "Not all of the time." "Yeah, all the time." "Hey, you know what?" "What-- l got your nose." "But that's not stealing, it's only borrowing because I'm giving it back." "I used to get a big laugh." "You're too smart for that now." "Hey, you know what?" "I'll see you later." "I'm not so scary, am I?" "Not more than Grandma." "There he is, Grandpa." "Yup, there he is, grazing over by the tomatoes." "Dad." "All right, I'm wrong, he's skinny." "Be nice." "Go away." "Uh, excuse me." "I don't know if you remember me." "I was in here, uh, let's see, uh... this morning." "Yeah." "What do you want to do now?" "Put a turkey down your pants?" "No." "No, I just want to straighten out a little misunderstanding about the trail mix there." "Yeah, big misunderstanding." "Look, I'm a little busy, all right?" "Listen, Jim, I'm just trying to straighten this out, all right?" "There's nothing to straighten out." "You took some trail mix 'cause you're too cheap to pay for it, and I caught you." "I think we're straight." "I just want to say we're both guys, all right?" "And whatever happened this morning was a little misunderstanding, and I'm... sorry." "Yeah, I'm sorry, too." "I'm sorry that jerks like you come into my section and take your dirty hands and put it into the food and take whatever you want." "And then when I try and do my job, you scream and yell like some red-faced maniac." "You want to do me a favor?" "Go steal from the AP!" "Good job, Dad." "So you're telling me that Grandpa sat right here with you and had a conversation?" "Yes." "For how long?" "I don't know." "Well, no, was it, like, five minutes?" "10?" "I don't know." "10, I guess." "10 minutes?" "And it wasn't about food?" "No, not really." "You had a 10-minute conversation with him." "What was that like?" "It was okay, I guess." "And you weren't scared?" "Robbie!" "You said you were gonna move my trash cans for me and you didn't do it." "Now the garbage men are here and the garbage is sitting in the back." "I'm just gonna have to do it myself like everything else!" "Now, that one scares the crap out of me."