"(PHONE ALERT)" "It's from my dad." "He's asking if it's all right for him to join us." "You can tell that ignorant, selfish inconsiderate savage you call a father if he comes within 20 feet of me or our children..." "I will call the police." "So is that a yes or a no?" "Why don't you have a paddle, Jodie?" "I don't want to." " Course she doesn't." "She's been traumatised." "The more we go on about this, the more frightened she'll be of going in the pool." "Our daughter is frightened of going in the pool for one reason and one reason only." "Oh, give it a rest!" " Give it a rest?" "He tried to drown her!" "Oh, as if he'd try and drown his own granddaughter." "He just... shoved her in." " (SCOFFS)" " Oh, well, then (!" ")" "How many times?" "It was just a slightly misjudged bit of fun." "Really." "Well, I wonder what other sort of fun he's got in store for us (!" ")" "Anthrax in our dinner?" "Mantraps in the bedroom?" "You want your granddad to sit with us, don't you, Jodie?" "Look, it's not funny!" "I can't spend the holiday ignoring my own father." "He may as well not have come." "Well, at last we agree on something." " Oh, I give up!" "Where are you going?" "!" " What have I done?" "Sorry." "I didn't mean..." " I'm off to sit somewhere I can read my book in peace." "And don't worry." "If my granddad attacks me with a sunbed, I'll shout for backup (!" ")" "Ah, Les." "You have no idea how good it feels to be back in Benidorm." "So Madrid isn't all it's cracked up to be." "Oh, Madrid is beautiful." "And the hotel I work in was amazing." "It is having five stars." " Five star hotel?" " Yes." "The staff and guests were very..." "How you say?" "Sophisticate." "But there was always something missing." "The energy, the... excitement..." "The honesty that is Benidorm." "The women wouldn't sleep with you, would they?" "Not one." "Can you tell me?" "What whisky do you have?" " Yeah." "That one." "So you're back at Benidorm, young, free and single." "I am..." "How do you say?" "Giving the ladies a large girth." "(LAUGHS)" " I think what you mean is a wide berth." "Very wise." " Yes." "Women have brought me nothing but trouble." "Now is a time to work hard and save money for my future." "(SPEAKS SPANISH)" "(IN SPANISH) Yep." "I'll have a large portion of that." " Me, too (!" ")" "Good morning." "I'm pleased to inform you, after a successful trial yesterday," "Amber starts with us today on a full-time basis." "Les you already know." " Well done, pet." "This is Mateo." "Quite harmless." "But if you have to touch him for any reason, there is an antibacterial handwash under the bar (!" ")" "(LAUGHS)" "(FAREWELLS IN COD SPANISH)" " Excuse me?" "I've been waiting for 10 minutes for a large whisky." "But of course." "How else would one ease oneself into the day at 10:35 (!" ")" "Mateo!" " Is he all right?" "He's fine." "He's just been living in Madrid for the past year." "Come on, son." "Off you pop." "Collect some empties." "Will somebody pour me a large whisky, please?" "!" "Large whisky coming up." "Morning." "You're up early." " Ooh!" "There they are." "Andi Peters and Gordon the Gopher (!" ")" "Gordon the Gopher wasn't with Andi Peters." "He was with Philip Schofield." "That's what people thought." "But that rodent was an absolute slut (!" ")" " Oh, no." "I met him once." "He was lovely." " He means Gordon the Gopher." "Not Andi Peters." "Did you change your flights?" " Yeah." "We're now officially on holiday the whole week." "Yeah!" "Right." "You go and grab three sunbeds and I'll start switching things off in here." " (KNOCK)" "OK." "Right." "Well, we'd better go off, then." "Ola (!" ")" " Come on." " (GIGGLES)" "Long time, no see." "How's it going?" "You're obviously here cos Herbert sent you." "What's going on?" "Oh, he's not gonna start charging me rent, is he?" "We had an agreement." " Kenneth." "Herbert's dead." " What?" "He died two weeks ago in a freak hair-straightening accident." "Oh, my God!" "This is the best holiday abroad I've ever had." "When did you last go abroad?" " I've never been abroad." "This is my first time." "Listen." "There's an amazing beach five minutes from here." "We can go there today, if you want." " To be honest, bruv," "I'm just really enjoying the view from here." "(SIGHS) Mate... she is proper tidy." "I noticed that." "She keeps putting everything away after she's used it." "No, mate." "I mean she's fit." " Oh, God, yeah." "She's fit as." "OK." "Here's the deal." "I've got 20 euros that says I can get her number before you." "I don't understand." " I'm betting I can be the first to get that girl's phone number." "Like a race." " Who are you betting that with?" "Why don't you bet with me?" "I am betting with you!" " All right." "But I need to know who the other bloke is first." "What other bloke?" "!" "You are the other bloke and the bloke I'm betting with." "Am I?" "Sweet!" "20 euros." " 20 euros." "Is there a prize?" "What?" " Is there a prize for getting her number?" "20 euros (!" ")" "Oh, right." "Does she know she has to give the winner her number?" "What do you think?" " I haven't got a clue." "You can say that again." "I called here three or four times to tell you about Herbert." "But the salon was closed." "I assumed you must be on holiday." "Yeah." "Yeah." "I erm..." "I had a little break." "First one in years." "You're just like Herbert." "A workaholic." "Yeah." " That's why he left you the lot." "He's left me the salon in his will?" " Not just the salon." "The Club, his villa, this salon... all the others." "What?" " You're a very rich man, Kenneth." "Hang on." "There must be some mistake." "I love my Uncle Herbert." "I mean, I loved him." "But I hardly ever saw him." "Are you absolutely sure he's left everything to me?" "There is nobody else." "When we spoke about it, he always said..." "'There's only one person who's family to me.'" "'And when I go... he'll get the lot.'" "O to the M to the F to the G!" "The will reading's this afternoon." "Three o'clock in Herbert's office." "Kenneth." "I really need my job at the club." "I know this is a lot to take in." "But if you can see your way to keeping me on..." "I'd be eternally grateful." " I don't believe it." "I don't believe it." "I'm a bloody millionaire!" "Or maybe a job here." "I can make tea." "Odd jobs." " You (?" ")" "You working here?" "You're having a laugh." "I'm sorry, Norman." "I try to do my bit for charity." "But business is business." "And... you scaring away my pensioners with that ugly mug of yours, that would be very bad for business." "Oh, my God!" "What am I gonna do with all that money?" "I'm rich!" "I'm rich beyond my wildest dreams!" "Drop the latch on the way out." "(JODIE CLEARS HER THROAT)" "Hello, darling." " (FAKE AMERICAN ACCENT) Mummy says... you can sit with us as long as you promise not to try and kill me again." "Oh, I'm sorry, sweetheart, but..." "You're gonna have to not speak in that daft accent." "Else I can't understand you." "I said, you can sit with us if you promise not to try and kill me again." "Oh, love." "I didn't try and kill you." "That's the way my granddad taught me how to swim." "You want to try it in a dirty canal wi' a gob full of frog spawn (!" ")" "What?" " Never mind." "Shall I come and sit wi' you?" " Yeah." "OK, then." "Has your mam cheered up a bit?" " Yeah." "She says she wants to dance." "Oh, that's a good sign." " On your grave." "What does that mean?" "(SIGHS)" "(SNORES LIKE A WALRUS)" "Must've nodded off." "It's very quiet, isn't it?" "It is now (!" ")" "Where's Kenneth?" " Er, he didn't come out in the end." "After all that carry-on, asking us to stay on for the week... he's not even sitting with us." " Yeah." "Unless he and his friend have had an early siesta, if you know what I mean (!" ")" "(FORCED LAUGH)" " When I said a siesta, what I actually meant..." " Jacqueline, I'm not being funny... but I'm trying to read." " Oh, sorry." "I'll go back to sleep." "No." "No, no." "Don't do that." "(PHONE ALERT) Oh!" "For God's sake." "'Help me." "Stuck in street outside Solana.'" "Who's that from?" " Kenneth." "Well, are we gonna help him?" "He might be stuck in a manhole." "Wouldn't be the first time (!" ")" "Oh, all right." "Come on, then." "This is the third time you've can celled." "We can't run a hotel with no qualified first-aiders." "I understand." "But we are in Benidorm." "And most of our clientele are a sausage bap away from a cardiac arrest (!" ")" "Oh, don't bother!" "I'll just have to sort things out myself, as usual!" "(SIGHS)" " There is a problem, Miss Temple-Savage?" "Yes, there is a problem." "Due to our high turnover of staff," "I realised weeks ago that we have no first-aiders, which is illegal." "So I booked a first aid course." "But it's the third time they've can celled." " You need someone to show first aid?" "I can do this." " I don't mean a quick mouth to mouth on your pick of the female staff (!" ")" "I need a fully qualified first-aider." "Yes." "I am quali fullified." "In my hotel in Madrid," "I took a course to teach others first aid." "Really, Miss Temple-Savage." "I have a sticky foot." "(LONG CAR HORN FROM OUTSIDE)" " Sticky foot?" "What's that?" " The paper to say I have the first aids." "Certificate!" "You mean you have a certificate." "Yes." "It's what I'm saying." "(CAR HORN CONTINUES TO SOUND)" " The last thing I need is..." "What on earth is going on out there?" "(SOUNDS HORN)" " Ooh!" "Is that you, Kenneth?" "Are you all right?" "Of course I'm not all right!" "Are you stuck?" " No, I'm just testing my horn (!" ")" "Oh." "Right." " Where are you going?" "!" "Course I'm bloody stuck!" "What on earth is going on?" " It's Kenneth." "He's stuck." "I didn't know he had a car." "Things can't be that bad." " Very sporty." "I bet it goes fast." " With Kenneth in it, I'm not so sure (!" ")" "Will you stop your frigging chitchat and help me to get out?" "!" "Mateo, help him!" " You need to grease him." "I might have something in my case." "(HORN SOUNDS WITH EACH JERK) Agh!" "Agh!" "Agh!" "God!" "My contents!" " Hey!" "I never touched you." "It was probably him." "Mateo, will you get off the pavement and come inside?" "I have got a hotel to run, you know." " You're welcome (!" ")" " Welcome?" "You nearly broke my bloody back!" " What the hell's going on?" "And what are you doing dressed like that?" " Between you and me, love," "I'm about to come into an awful lot of money." "Agh!" "Agh!" "Excuse me, mate." " Yes, young'un." "The girl with the blonde hair?" "What's her name?" "That's Amber." "Can you give her this, please?" " Sorry, pal." "I'm not allowed to do that." "I could lose my job." "Oh." " Tell you what." "Just leave it there and I'll tip her the wink." "What?" "Do you fancy her as well?" "No." "I just mean..." "I'll let her know it's here." "Oh." "Right." "OK." "Sweet." "Thanks." " Nae bother." "What?" " No problem." "Where are you going?" " It's time to wrap this up if you've stopped fannying around." "I'm not fannying around." " What is it?" "I can't say." "A young lad left it for you." "Just there, on the bar." "Did you get the number?" " Erm... not yet." "Stand aside, bruv." "Just what I always wanted (!" ")" "All right..." "Amber?" "I'm Tiger." " Hello, Tiger." "What would you like?" "Well, I wouldn't mind your phone number, for a start." "Very funny." "Now, what can I get you to drink?" "Er... just a... beer... please." "Here you go." "Why won't you give me your phone number?" "Have you got something against nice guys?" "Enjoy your beer, Mr Nice Guy (!" ")" "Nice one!" "Game over, my friend." " You didn't get it?" " Oh, yes." "That's 20 euros you owe me." "Shut up!" "I left her my number, so she still might call me." "Mate, the bet was the first person to get her number." "And that person is me." "What are you doing?" " I'm texting her." "O to the G to the M!" "She texted me!" "'Thanks for your number." "You are so fit, Mr Nice Guy.'" "Oh, you complete dick!" "What?" " Did you leave your number on a napkin?" "Yeah." "Why?" "What do you mean, why?" "!" "Give me your phone." "Why have you got no names in your phone contacts?" "I prefer to have all my contacts written down on a piece of paper in my bag." "In case I lose my phone." "(PHONE ALERT)" " Another message." "'Can't talk while I'm working, but I really like guys who swim in their clothes." "Will you?" "'" "Oh, my days!" "I'm so in there!" "Swim in your clothes?" "Oh, she's crazy." "You're not gonna do it, are you?" "Mate." "He who calls the piper plays the tune." "Yes." "I am." " (LAUGHS)" "(LAUGHS) Oh, man." "Today is gonna be a good day." "Well, I must say, it's nice to be back in the bosom of a loving family." "Anyone we know (?" ")" "I've always said it's pointless bearing a grudge." "Life's too short, in't it?" "Some are short." "While other people's lives just seem to go on and on and on." "Are you gonna have a go on the karaoke tonight, Jo?" "We'd better check if your granddad has any more phantom heart attacks planned before we decide what to do this evening (!" ")" "I'm gonna sing Let It Go from Frozen." "Oh." "Let It Go." "That's a good idea." "You could join in with that, Sheron (!" ")" "Oh!" "Will the pair of you just leave it?" "!" "All I'm saying is, considering we're gonna be seeing a lot more of each other, it's probably best if we make the effort now to get along." "Right." "I'm gonna back one out." "That Spanish bacon has got a mind of its own." "What does he mean... we're going to be seeing a lot more of each other?" "Erm... er..." "Dunno." "Probably just means the rest of the holiday." "OK, ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure today to give you the first aids." "In today's course, I will be showing you how to make someone alive when they are dead." "And how to squeeze people when they are choking on their sausage." "(You've got to be joking.)" "OK." "First of all, if you find a holidaymaker who has died, they will look something like this." "They will of course be fatter, but this is all the poof I had." "So." "First, we have to make the heart of the person start again." "(SQUEAKING)" "(LOUD POP, THEN MUSICAL HISS OF ESCAPING AIR)" "Do not worry." "This will not happen to you with a real person." "I could make a joke now about a girl in a bikini going down on me..." "But since this is a serious subject, I will not be doing this." "Come on, man." "This is ridiculous!" " Excuse me, Les." "I'm only halfway through." "I now have to show you how to stop a drunk person from choking on their sausage." "It is called the Heineken Manoeuvre." "May I please have a volunteer?" "No, Miguel." "Put down your hand." "Perhaps Amber, you would like to choke on my sausage?" " I think we both know the answer to that (!" ")" "OK." "Would you please hurry?" "Time is of the effluence." "That was actually a no from me." "It was?" "OK, Miguel." "Come here." "OK." "Look at them, not me." "Let us be imagining that Miguel is having trouble with his sausage." "First... we make a position..." "behind the victim." "And put your arms around just above his waist." "You are then needing to pump him as hard as you can." "(GULPS)" "God!" "He's choking on his own sausage!" "Mateo, are you all right?" " Big breaths, pal." "Big breaths." "Thank you for your kind attentions, ladies and gentlemen." "This is the extermination of..." "today's demonstrations." "I can manage." "I don't know why you got a taxi." "You could've come with me." "You can barely fit in that car yourself." "Yeah." "It is a bit small." "But it's only hired." "And now I can look for something more substantial." "I've always fancied something big and German." " Mm (!" ")" "Shouldn't you wait and see how much you've been left before you splash it about?" "Oh, look." "We haven't all got combination locks on our wallets (!" ")" "Live for the day." "You're a long time dead." "Hear, hear!" "As my Donald always said, grasp the nettle with both hands." "Talking of which, come on." "We're late." "Hey, I'm not tight!" "I'm just... careful." "There you go, young'un." "One orange juice, fresh from the carton." "Thanks." " Is it all right if I take my break now, Les?" " Course it is." "Take your time." "Any good?" " Sorry?" "Your book." " Oh!" "Erm..." "Animal Farm." "Do you know it?" "Oh!" "I saw a bit of the video when I was working on the oil rigs in the early '80s." "Ooh!" "You've a stronger stomach than me, lad." "Another large one in there, por favor." " Aye, nae bother." "Animal Farm?" "(DIRTY LAUGH) I bet it's not as good as the video." "Listen, son." "I need your help." " Yeah, I think a few people round here need help (!" ")" "Thank you." "I need you to drop into the conversation at some point... that I'm coming to live with you." "What?" " Do you mean your dad hasn't told you?" "No." " I thought it were just your mother he'd not told." "You're coming to live with us?" "Yeah." " When?" "Straight after this holiday." "Where will you sleep?" " I thought I were getting your room." "Aren't you off to college?" "University." "And I'm not going until October." " Well, we can muck in." "So, if you could drop the hint at some point..." "Granddad." "I think this might be better coming from you." "Really?" " Yeah." "Really." "OK." "You might be right." "I'll tell her tonight after a few drinks, when she's feeling a bit more er..." "Violent?" " Relaxed." "♪ How to handle a woman" "♪ There's a way, said a wise old man" "♪ A way known by every woman... ♪" "Is something wrong with him?" " Not right now, but..." "Ask me again tonight (!" ")" "As solicitor... executor... and friend... of Herman..." "You happen to be very late." "Sorry." " Sorry." " Sorry." "'I..." "Herbert Lionel DiCaprio..." "the third... declare this to be my last will and testicle.'" "Did I just say... testicle?" "I do apologise." "Here we go." "To Rodrigo... my head stylist... and personal masseur I leave... 100,000 euros." " (GASPS)" "(HUBBUB)" " Order!" "Order, order!" "I will have order!" "As I was saying," "'To Rodrigo, I leave 100 euros.'" "You said 100,000 a minute ago." "Shut up!" "Now." "No." "You're quite right." "'100,000 euros... and my infamous gold scissors.'" "'To Jordan Rivers.' Is Jordan Rivers here?" "'The best drag queen in Benidorm.'" "Well, that's open to debate (!" ")" "'I leave my collection of toupees... and my mother's recipe for schkou-'" "Schkou..." "Heaven knows what the blazes that is." "It's scouse!" "Come on." "Get to the good bit!" " Do you mind?" "'Everything else - my villa, cars... all 14 hairdressing salons..." "Benidorm nightclub... and entire savings and shares in DiCaprio Holdings..." "I devise, bequeath and give... to the one person who's been..." "like a son to me.'" "'Although our relationship has often been distant... the unspoken love and bond between us... has always been there.'" "'The person to whom I refer and bequeath my entire estate... as per appendix one... is, naturally, of course... none other than Norman Sagen!" "'" "(MURMURING)" "'Also affectionately known as Norman the Dormouse." "Er... doorman.'" "Norman the Doorman!" "Oh... my... flipping..." "God!" "How long did she say for you to sit like that?" "She said she's gonna text me again soon." "I think she's taking the rise out of you, mate." "You've gotta understand, Tige." "Some girls are strange." "I once went out of this girl who got really turned on when I topped up her mobile." "You what?" " Yeah." "She used to get really horny if I put a fiver on her pay as you go." "And if I put a tenner on it, oh... my... days!" "So the more money you put on her phone the better she was in the sack?" "I don't know about that." "We never met." "She lived in Nigeria." "(MOBILE ALERT)" "'Those straws in your ears look hot." "But can you fit more in?" "'" "'Also, tonight, can you wear a mankini in Neptune's?" "'" "'It will drive me crazy.'" "The thing that I don't understand is..." "I've had four texts from her in the last fifteen mins." "But I've been watching her." "And she ain't picked up her mobile once." "Tiger." " Yes, mate?" "Do me a favour." "Sorry, mate." "I wondered when you'd realise." " Get us a few more straws from the bar." "And see if you can find one of them mankinis from that shop just outside the hotel." "However she's sending these texts, she deserves everything... she wants." "Oh, mate." "Believe me - it will be my pleasure." "Can't believe it." "Won and lost a fortune in the space of a few hours." "Well, technically, you never actually won it." "A life of luxury snatched from under my nose." "It's hard to miss what you never had." "So close... yet so far." "You didn't fit in that car anyway." "Oh, shut up while I'm trying to feel sorry for myself!" " Hey." "Don't take it out on Jacqueline." "It's not her fault your uncle didn't leave you a penny." "Oh, here we go." "Rub it in, why don't you (!" ")" "(KNOCK ON DOOR) Go away!" "Hello, Kenneth." "You left a bit sharpish." "Er... we'd better get ready for tonight." "Yeah, come on." "I've gotta put my face on." "Put my hair in a topknot (!" ")" "It's funny how a few hours can change someone's life." "Isn't it, Kenneth?" " Not for me." "I'm in exactly the same position as I was in this morning." "Well... not quite." "What's this?" " It's a bit of business from your new landlord." "Me." "I've done you a very tasty deal, I reckon." "13,000 euros?" "!" "Is this a joke?" " No, Kenneth." "It's business." "Of course, I could've waited until tomorrow to bring you this but, as you said..." "Wouldn't wanna scare your pensioners with my ugly mug (!" ")" "That'd be very bad... for business." "You've got 28 days to pay." "It's the least I could do." "After all..." "we're practically family (!" ")" "Oh, yeah." "You left before the solicitor could give you this." "You never know." "It might be stuffed with 100 euro notes." "28 days, Kenneth." "I don't believe it." "I'm finished." "Unless... ♪ SIGNED, SEALED AND DELIVERED" "I can't believe you still haven't opened it." "I don't know what's inside." " That is why she's saying to open it!" "It's obvious what it is." "It's money." "He's left you cash so you don't have to pay any tax on it." "That would make sense." " Give us it here." "I'll open it." "Hang on a minute!" "I think I need a large gin first." "If it's all right with you, I'll just be dressing as Lesley during the evenings, not during the day." "Going full-time seemed a good idea at first." "But it's kinda... taken all the pleasure out of it and made it a bit of a chore." "Plus..." "I can't fit a towel on a radiator at home for all the drying bras." "I've always said you can come to work dressed as Frankenstein's monster, as long as you do your job." "Oh, sorry." "That's not what you've come as tonight, is it?" "(CLEARS THROAT)" " Eleven hours!" "I beg your pardon?" " Eleven hours!" "We went on your paintballing trip this morning." "We were out... for eleven... hours!" "I always say you should never put a time limit on enjoying yourself." "And, judging by your breath, you obviously didn't." " What?" "All right, I've had a drink." "But when you pay to go on a trip, you kind of expect that you're gonna bring us all back (!" ")" "This is absolutely ridiculous!" "They wouldn't let us on the coach and now they won't let us in our rooms!" "They used gloss paint!" " What?" "!" "What kind of dickhead uses gloss paint at a paintballing match?" "And there wasn't anybody else there." "We just shot at each other." "Have you seen my mother?" "Why?" "Do you think I should?" "Because there were only three of us, the man who cleans the guns joined in." "Nobody told us he was a psychologically damaged war veteran!" "It was like a scene from American Sniper!" "(LESLEY GIGGLES)" "She... is a senior citizen!" "Not a skirting board (!" ")" "It's not her fault she's slow on her feet." "That lunatic... singled my mother out like the runt of a litter." "It was disgusting!" "(INDISTINCT THROUGH LACK OF MOUTH MOVEMENT)" "I'm sorry?" " How many times?" "They won't let us into our rooms!" "It's taken us a four mile walk and two trains... and five buses, standing all the way, cos they wouldn't let us sit on the seats." "And now... they won't let us into our rooms!" "If you'd like to come with me..." "♪ UPBEAT SOUL NUMBER" "You like this place so much that you cannot keep away, huh?" "It's not the place I'm interested in." "It's you." "OK!" "Now we are talking turkeys." "It was only a matter of time, I guess." "Don't flatter yourself, Mateo." "It's purely business." "Oh." "You came." "I was gonna have a word with Mateo, but it's been quite busy." "What is going on?" " I wanted to have a word about your first aid course this afternoon." "How much did you get paid?" " I am sorry." "I am not allowed to be in discussions with matter of financial persuasions." "200 euros." " How do you know this?" "You've not stopped bragging about it all night." " Oh, Yes." "So, there were ten people on your... course." "I reckon that's 20 euros each to keep our traps shut on what a farce it was." " What?" "!" "You cannot be blacking my mail like this." "No problem." "Lesley." "Where did Joyce go?" "Let's see what she has to say about it?" " OK!" "OK." "Take the money." " Thanks." "And I'm gonna do a first aid session for the same people in our own time." "So we're actually doing you a favour." " Doing me a favour?" "I am out of pocket." "It cost me 10 euros to buy that blowup doll." "Yeah, right." "Like you didn't have that already (!" ")" "Yes, pet." "You've gotta give her credit." "She hasn't even looked at me once." " She's good." "Though, you'd think she'd at least wink when you did 100 press-ups in the Fred Flintstone playground." "I wouldn't have seen it anyway." "I went a bit dizzy and couldn't see anything for the next 20 minutes." "Ooh!" "Here we go again." "Great." "If you can tell Marie you've got 20 euros," "I will text Jose and Gregorio." "But remember - big secret." "We don't wanna get Mateo into trouble." "OK." " OK." "Lola?" "You've been texting a lot today." "Yeah, yeah." "My old man." "You know how he likes to know what's going on." "Tell him about Amber and the texting." "He won't believe it." "No." "He won't." "(MOBILE ALERT)" "That took a long time, considering it only came from over there." "Oh, my days!" "You're not gonna believe what she wants me to do now!" "Sing her a karaoke song and strip naked?" "Yeah!" "How did you know that?" " Lucky guess." "Anything... for you." "(MOBILE ALERT)" "That your dad again?" " Yeah." "(CHEERS AND WHISTLES)" "Thank you to Jonathan, Benidorm's original Motown singer." "We'll have more from him later." "But first, it's time to hear from your good selves." "It's karaoke time!" "First, a young lady who I hear would like to be a professional singer when she grows up." "So let's hear it for a star of tomorrow." "Jodie Dawson!" "Jodie!" " Come on, Jodie!" "Remember to smile." "And don't forget to breathe." "Christ!" "She can't be much of a singer if she forgets to breathe." "Dad!" "For God's sake." "I'm just saying." "♪ The snow glows white on the mountain tonight" "(BADLY OUT OF TUNE) ♪ Not a footprint to be seen" "♪ A kingdom of isolation" "(SCREECHING) ♪ And it looks like I'm the queen" "Er..." "Mateo." "Yes, Miss Temple-Savage." " Er, a word about the first aid course today." "There's a slight problem." " A problem?" "Really?" " Yes." "The man who was supposed to do our course was also supposed to do The Belroy and The Flamingo." "But it looks like he'll be off all week." "Can you do those too?" "Two more courses?" "Mm." " I don't think so, Miss Temple-Savage." "I think you were right." "There is... a problem." "It would be another 400 euros." "When do they want me?" "(RAUCOUS) ♪ Let it go, let it go" "(PAINFULLY OUT OF TUNE) ♪ You'll never see me cry" "♪ Here I stand... ♪" "Sorry, this is doing my head in." " You're telling me." "If she's a singer, I can't wait for my modelling contract (!" ")" "Not her!" "I mean us!" "Just sitting here staring at that bloody parcel." "Get your grubby paws off!" "You might be a millionaire." "Well, if I'm not, I'll be on that plane back with you two at the end of the week." "You're serious?" "You'd come home?" "But you love it here." "I could barely make ends meet when I was working rent-free." "I just have to admit it." "I haven't got the money to start from scratch." "Unless.." "Oh, go on!" "I'm so excited!" "It's like Christmas!" "Donald always used to tease me on Christmas Eve with a massive package." "Well?" "What is it?" "What's he left you?" "He's left me his bloody teeth!" "(JODIE STILL WAILS LIKE A BANSHEE IN THE BACKGROUND)" "♪ Here I stand" "♪ And here I'll stay" "♪ Let the storm rage on" "♪ The cold never bothered me anyway ♪" "(BEGINS TO CRY)" "(SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE) Is she still singing?" "Oh, come on, darling." " Well, the talent doesn't stop there." "Ladies and gentlemen, next, if your ears can take it, we have Joey." "Go on, Joey!" "This is for a certain little lady who I've been chatting to today." "You know who you are." "♪ When I walk on by, girls look at me like, damn, he fly" "♪ I pimp to the beat, walking down the street, with my new lafreak, yeah" "♪ This is how I roll, animal print, pants out of control... ♪" "It wasn't your fault, darling." " It sounded rubbish!" "It was their fault, not yours." "It was in the wrong key." "Ask the DJ if he's got any other versions next time." "You know what you need, don't you, Jodie." " What?" "Dad!" " You need a professional karaoke setup." "You know - with a microphone and a speaker and... a little telly with the words on - the lot." " Yeah (!" ")" "Do you know how much they cost?" " 400 quid." "That's what I've just paid for one." "What do you need a karaoke machine for?" " For my lovely little granddaughter." "Are you serious, Granddad?" " It gets delivered the day we get back." "I love you." " Come here." "I'm going to be saving that much money, coming to live with you," "I thought there's no point that money just sitting there in t'bank." "I beg your pardon?" " Same again, is it?" "That was a good idea of yours, son." "She seems to have taken it quite well." "Thee is no way on Earth that man is coming into my house!" "I'll tell you right now, if he moves in, I'm moving out." "And I'm taking the kids with me!" "Do you understand?" " Right." "I am going to get absolutely hammered." "Sod Herbert and his sodding teeth." "Sod the Solana and sod Blow 'N Go." "I'll down this and get off into the old town." "There is a way of staying here." " Why would I wanna stay here?" "Weak beer and old people farting along to karaoke." "No." "In exactly 20 minutes, I shall be hanging upside down in the Bears Bar like a spatchcock chicken." "This'll just be a distant memory." " No, I mean a way of keeping the salon." "No." "I'm not going thousands into debt just to do half a dozen blue rinses every week." "We've got a business proposal." "You what?" " Me and Jacqueline." " What do you mean?" "I want to expand in Europe." " Well, there's treacle pudding and custard on the menu." "Get a couple of them." "You know what I mean." " I don't want your money." " Good, cos I'm not giving it you." "I want to take over the lease of Blow 'N Go." "What about me?" "!" " Well, you stay on." "As equal third partner and head stylist." "And I'm guessing you're the other third." "I'm gonna be more a sleeping partner." " Why doesn't that surprise me (?" ")" "Well?" " How's this gonna work?" "Are you moving to Spain?" "Course not." "I've still got the salon back home." "I'd come out every few weeks, have a few days in the sun, and see how everything's going." "What about Gavin?" "Well, that's obvious." "I've not mentioned him since we got here." "We split up." "Again (!" ")" " No." "This is it." "I need a fresh start." "What do you say?" "I say..." "let's first drink to you being a single man." "No, I don't wanna do that." "I still have a lot of respect for Gavin." "You've gotta be the only one who does." "Fat, whingeing cow." "Ding-dong, the witch is dead (!" ")" "We can all talk about it tomorrow." "Are you still going to the old town?" "♪ I'm sexy and I know it" "No, I don't think I'll bother." " Check it out!" "Things seem to be hotting up here very nicely." "♪ Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, yeah wiggle, wiggle wiggle, yeah" "♪ Wiggle wiggle, wiggle, yeah" "♪ Wiggle, yeah, do a wiggle, man" "♪ Wiggle, man (LAUGHS)" "Yeah!" " That is exactly... why I'm looking for a man, not a boy." "No!" "I've done everything you've asked me, Amber." "Now... can we have a date?" "Although... that's right." "You said... strip naked." "No!" "No, Joey!" "Don't do it!" "It was me!" "It was me." "It was me." "It was me all along." "Get them out of here!" "Come on, you two." "Out." "Out." "What are you playing at?" "Get 'em outside!" "You've hurt me!" "Tiger, you've hurt me!" "I thought those two were a couple." "Aw!" "It could bring a tear to a glass eye."