"Yeah." "Mmm-hmm." " Mmm-hmm." "Yeah, keep doing that." "Okay." "Okay." "Oh, Larry!" " Oh..." "Uh, I'm sorry, help me out here." " Suzanne." " Oh, Susan!" "No!" "Suzanne." " I'm sorry." "I meant to say Susan." "No." "Suzanne." "Oh, Suzanne!" " Oh." " Yeah." " You are amazing." " Well..." "I could never have reached those heights of passion without you." "Actually, you did reach those heights of passion without me." "Oh, God, you are so damn hot." "Yeah." "Right there, Larry." "That's it." " Don't stop." " Larry!" "What?" "What?" " So, how about some breakfast?" " I couldn't possibly." " You see, Su..." " Zanne!" "You see, Zanne," "I know you'd want me to have breakfast, date for a while, get married, start a family, plants roots in the community, join the local church, synagogue or a polygamous cult, but that's not my speed." "If I stay on the ground too long, the sky starts to beckon." "Don't you ever get tired of that lifestyle, flying from place to place all the time?" "Every once in a while, I wake up in a cold sweat, my entire being enveloped by a crushing, empty loneliness that physically presses down on me till I can barely breathe." "But then I ignore it and it usually passes." "That doesn't sound too healthy." "Well, mind-blowing sex and free medical advice." " Zanne, what don't you give?" " I have a surprise for you." "Is that what I think it is?" "Here's something to remember me by." " Oh." "You sure I can't get you anything?" "A little breakfast to go?" "Okay, but just something quick and easy." "So..." "Mr. Gaye, um, you're a flight attendant?" " Bingo." " And, uh, you want us to publish your book?" " Yahtzee." " Oh, but the book is not written yet?" " Twister." "Uh, and it is the story of your life?" "The Unauthorized Autobiography." "The Unauthorized Autobiography?" "Um," " but an autobiography cannot be unauthorized." " Or can it?" "By writing the book, you're implicitly authorizing that it be written." "Define "implicitly."" "Mr. Gaye, was there ever a time in the past that maybe I'm unaware of where I wiped my bottom with 20 minutes of your life?" "Define "aware" and "20."" " Who arranged this meeting?" " Uh..." "I..." "I did, sir." "You're fired." "Oh." "And happy birthday." " Hey." " Would someone please show this jackass the door?" "I already saw the door on my way in." "Now, sir, my life story yearns to be told." "It's a tale of intrigue, adventure and life among the clouds." "Mr. Gaye, if you held a gun to my head and said to me," ""Hey, be less interested in my book"" ""or I will splatter the walls with the contents of your skull,"" "I don't think I could." "I guess I'll just have to take my story elsewhere." "There are other fish in the publishing sea, my friend." "Yes, in Manhattan, I'm gonna need two numbers, the first one is for Simon, and then I need one for Schuster." "Look, if I walk out that door, guys, I'm not coming back!" "You got it?" "Oh, you think I'm bluffing?" "You think I'm bluffing?" "Good day, everyone!" "Okay." "I'm headed to the elevator." " Do we have any kind of screening process here?" "Okay." "I'm in the elevator." " Get out." " Yep." "Yes." "It's closing." "The door is closing." " The door is closing." "Last chance!" "If I get in a taxi, you're out of luck!" "Is there a quicker way to the airport, my friend?" "I'm running late for a flight." "Sorry, man, it's like this all over." " Rush hour traffic, you know." " I know that accent." "What part of Canada are you from?" "I'm from Jamaica." "Yeah, but you obviously lived in Canada for a long time." "No, man, never been there." "But your parents were Canadian and spoke it around the house." "No, man!" "Bet you never had to worry aboot traffic like this in Saskatchewan, eh?" "Eh?" "Who's that guy?" "I can help you with that bag." "All right." "Please be careful!" "I have my grandfather's remains in an urn up there." " I will, sir." " Excuse me!" "This woman claims she's in 9E, but that's my seat." "I'll try to straighten that out." "Okay?" "I can't remember if I ordered a kosher meal or not." "Can you help me?" "Okay." "If you can just give me one second, I will check that, I promise." "Okay, people, please, please, please, okay?" "It's my very first flight and our lead attendant is not here, but I'm doing the best that I can." "So, please, bear with me." "Grandpa!" "Excuse me." "Is there a problem here?" "Allow me." "Anything else?" "She's in my seat." "Oh." "Actually, ma'am, you're not in 9E." "You're in 3b." "Common mistake." "I've been trying to find out if I ordered a kosher meal." "Rabbi, I got the passenger manifest in advance, so I personally prepared you a nice piece of chicken with a side of borscht." "Thank you, my son." "What about my grandpa?" "Look." " Gramps comin' at ya!" "Thanks." "You really saved me there." "You saying "Thanks" is thanks enough." "Um, okay." " I guess we're ready." " Not yet." "My finely honed senses tells me there's someone on board this flight who's a threat to us all." "You, sir." "Frat guy, huh?" " Oh, Phi Beta Kappa, it's an academic fraternity." " Oh?" "You like to drink, get out of control, you boot and rally, you cause a scene." "No, I don't drink." "I'm a Rhodes Scholar." "I'm actually flying to UCLA to collect an award." "I won't have those kind of shenanigans on my flight!" "Take a hike, party boy!" " No, but I'm..." " Save it,  Animal House!" "Off my plane!" "Off my plane!" "Okay, rookie, let's fly this bitch." "Miss McCoy, it's all yours." "Thank you." "Gentlemen and ladies, what do we spend the most money on?" " Passenger safety." "Stop it, Geddes, stop it!" "This is serious." "Outside of equipment, fuel and brass tacks, our greatest operating expense is service." "Flight attendants." " Yes." " Their union is strong, their salaries keep rising." "Not to mention their benefits." "But what if I told you there was a way to completely eliminate human flight attendants?" "Even if we could, where would you hide the bodies?" "Oh, just asking." "Gentlemen, there is someone I would like for you to meet." "Good morning, Miss McCoy." "Good morning, Sally." "Sally, may I have a cup of coffee, please?" "My pleasure." "Thank you, Sally." "Oh, this coffee is way too hot!" "Oh." "I'm sorry, Miss McCoy." "I'll find some more coffee that's not so hot." " What the..." " She's not real!" " Right, Sally?" " That's right, Miss McCoy." "My body is state-of-the-art neoprene stretched over a complex electronic framework, my brain is a powerful microprocessor capable of five billion decisions per second and my boobs are a perky 34C." "This is amazing." "Go ahead, touch her." "You'd never know the difference." " What?" " Touch her." "You mean, just..." "Wow!" "I'm Nathan, by the way." "The pleasure's yours, Nathan." "That was incredible, all the stuff you did back there." "I'm not sure "incredible" is the right word." "I believe it's "uncredible."" "I'm pretty sure it's "incredible."" "Let's agree not to disagree." "I don't think that's the expression." "Are you disagreeing with me?" "We just agreed not to." "You were saying?" "They sure didn't teach us any of that stuff at the training academy." "Yeah, that's why I never listen to what they teach." "I make my own rules, then I break 'em." "But if they're your own rules, why do you have to break 'em?" " Well, I..." " Wouldn't it be easier to make up different rules that you didn't have to break?" " Not necessarily." " Or to not make up any rules at all." "The point is, I'm a renegade." "Wait a minute." "You're Larry Gaye!" "My first day and I get to fly" " with Larry Gaye?" " So cool." "My God, the stories, the women." " Six Golden Coffee Pots!" "You're a legend." "Relax." "Look." "I know this may come as a shock, but I'm just a human being." "I mean, if you cut me, I bleed." "If you pinch me, I cry." "If you pull my hair, I scream like a little girl." "If you back an SUV over my bare feet," "I'd likely go into shock." "The pain is so intense." "If you eliminate vitamins B and D from my diet, my skin turns a shade of taupe you've never seen." "I can't breathe." "Hello." "Carry on, please." "You're looking at the new Flightpal 200 made by Techtronics Industries." "Now, for a fraction of the cost of a flight attendant, we can have every one of our planes fully manned by Flightpals within one year." "Excuse me, Miss McCoy." "The reputation of this airline is built on service." "How do you know that the Flightpal 200 is better than our flight attendants?" "That's a great question." "Ladies and gentlemen, the President and Founder of Techtronics Industries," "Bob Techtronics." "Folks, I wouldn't expect you to just sign on the dotted line." "I only ask for the opportunity to prove to you that the Flightpal can outperform an error-prone human." "And how do you plan on doing that?" "By letting Sally here go up against your best in a challenge of flight attendant skills." " That sounds fair, doesn't it?" " Absolutely." "Let's set it up." "If it works, it could be a financial lifesaver for the entire company." "Thank you so much, Mr. T." "Sally, we'll talk." "If you remove the vestibular system from my inner ear, I have difficulty balancing." "If you take a croquet mallet, coat it with shards of glass" " and swing it directly at my testes..." " Okay, you're human!" " You made your point." " I think I've made my point." "Well, look who it is." "Bryce." "Felder." "That's "Captain" to you." "Sorry, Crapton Bryce." "How you feeling today, Gaye?" "Are you getting sleepier?" "Oh, snap!" "It's ancient history, Nathan, like the Romanian Empire." " But..." " I said, ancient history." " Okay." "Got it." "Uh..." "Ladies and gentlemen, Captain Bryce here." "Just wanted to speak as your pilot and not a lowly flight attendant, and say it's great to be piloting this plane because I'm a pilot who passed through the pilot training academy and became a pilot." "These big union meetings tend to drag like a turtle's nut sack, am I right?" "Excuse me?" "Show some respect." "What's that?" "Actually, I find them interesting and informative." "Uh, surely you can't be serious." "I am serious." " Then should I stop calling you Shirley?" "Ladies and gentlemen, and members of the Fraternal Association of Federated Airlines Flight Attendants, welcome." "Management has asked us to select our top flight attendant to go up against the Flightpal in a performance test." "And the Research Committee has given me one name." "Which one of you is Gaye?" "Larry Gaye." " That'd be me." " Ah!" "Mr. Gaye, just how good are you?" "On a scale from one to 10, it can't be quantified." "Perhaps you would try to quantify." "Well..." "I have won an unprecedented six, count them, six, consecutive Golden Coffee Pots." "Roll the clip!" "Uh, guys, I..." "I don't know what to say, except maybe, suck it, other flight attendants!" "Suck it dry!" "Hey, hey, hey!" "You cut it off before my dance." "Not cool." "Mr. Gaye, I want to ask you, will you help spare the jobs of everyone in this room and thousands of others nationwide?" "Seems like a hassle." "Pass!" "I'm gonna pass!" " No." "Mr. Gaye!" " Larry." "What?" "What?" "What?" "We need you." "Our livelihood depends on it." "Fine, I'll do it." " I'll do it!" "Ladies and gentlemen of the FAFAFA, worry not!" "I will take on this scourge and I will win." "Nothing on God's green Earth will stop me!" "Thank you, Mr. Gaye." "Thank you." "As long as it's not on a Tuesday morning." "I have a Zumba class." "Okay." "Or Saturdays at 3:00." "I have a standing body wax." "Gotta do that." "Wednesdays aren't great." "Hump day." "And I take that quite literally." " You know what I'm talking about." " Thank you, Mr. Gaye." "Larry Gaye, ladies and gentlemen." " Larry Gaye, thank you." " You got it." "Larry!" "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard Federated Airlines Flight 75 with non-stop service to Los Angeles." "We'll be taxiing in just a few moments." "But first, allow me to demonstrate the safety features of our Boeing 737." "Nathan." "Thank you." "You fasten the seatbelt by inserting the metal end" "into the expectant buckle." "A little at first, you know, just enough to tease the buckle." "You want some of that?" "Hmm, yeah." "Ohh!" "Take that buckle." "Take it!" "Yeah." " Mmm, yeah." "" "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "Yeah, yeah." "And finally, when that buckle just can't take any more, you pull on this thing to release it." "We don't anticipate it, but should there be a change in cabin pressure, your oxygen mask will drop down." "You place the mask over your mouth, like so." "Mmm, yeah." "Okay." "For those of you seated in an emergency exit row, like, uh, I don't know, say you." "If called upon to open the emergency door, well, you're gonna pull on that big lever." "Yeah, yeah, you're gonna pull on it real nice" "Ooh, I bet you know how to pull that thing just right." "Yeah, you know what I'm talking about." "You know what I'm talking about," "you naughty little tart." "Flight attendants, please be seated for take-off." "Okay." "Power down all electronic devices." "We'll be up in the air shortly." "Thank you, everybody." "We have got a live one in 10b." "I think those instructions could have been clearer." "Uh, folks, we're about to start our in-flight movie," "License to Chill." "Audio can be found on Channel 10." " Hey, Nate, can you grab the disk out of my bag?" " Yeah." "Gaye, I asked for a Fresca five minutes ago." "What happened?" "Did you trip over your skirt?" "So sorry, I was, uh..." "I was about to bring it in." "Well, maybe if you spent less time flirting with your little gal pal over there, you'd be able to focus on your job." "I already do focus on my job as six, count them, six," "Golden Coffee Pots can attest." "Oh, that's right." "I forgot." "How does it feel working with the biggest wussy in the business?" " Well..." " Don't talk!" "I gotta go fly this bird." "Are you gonna tell me what's that all about?" "Sorry, Nathan." "I'm an intensely private person." "You made a deal to publish your autobiography so you could, and I quote, "Share your story with the world."" "It's unauthorized." "Fine." "I guess you'll read it anyway." "It all started when I was a little boy..." " Uh, Larry..." " Please don't interrupt." "You asked for the story." "Now let me tell it." " No, but it's..." " Hey!" "Here's how it works up here." "When a veteran is telling a rookie a story, the rookie, you, listens, sans interruption." "Sans!" "As I was saying," "I loved my father more than anything." "So when he left me, I was devastated." "Even if it was only for a few minutes." "Well, you can imagine how upset I was when he left for good." "Where are you going, Dad?" "Hey-hey, there he is." "There he always is." "I'm..." "I'm..." "I'm just going out to have these suitcases polished." "But it's the middle of the night." "Yes, it is." "Yes, it is." "And there is a, uh, 24-hour suitcase polisher over on State Street." "Oh, okay." "Good night." "Good night, Son." "Have a good life." "Until tomorrow morning, when I will see you again because I'm definitely not running out on you or your mother, or the life of debt and dysfunction we've built together." "But I wasn't stupid." "It didn't take long to figure out that somewhere on his way to the 24-hour suitcase polisher," "he decided to leave for good." "My mom tried everything she could to take my mind off the hurt of Dad leaving," "but nothing could distract me." "In an all-new episode of Boys Whose Fathers Love Them and Have Not Run Off Unexpectedly..." "No!" "I knew of no way to make the pain go away." "Until that moment, when I realized that if I could be way up in the clouds, then maybe it would take me away from the hurt I felt down on the ground." "And that's when I decided that what I wanted more than anything was to fly." " Larry, behind you." " Yes, that chapter was behind me." "Well observed." "Then, in 1995, I went to flight school." "Building 5." "Orientation's on the right." " Hi." " Hi there." "I'm Gaye." "Really?" "Uh..." "I have a private bunk with the only bathtub in this whole facility." "Cadet Larry Gaye." " Right." "Uh, building 5." "Orientation's on the right." " Thank you." "That's what I'm talking about." "Here, here and especially here." "Ladies and gentlemen, you need to know these principles cold." "I had big dreams, and even bigger confidence." "I was gonna be the best damn pilot in the world." "All right." "Define lift." "Gaye." "A positive force caused by the difference in air pressure" " under and above a wing, sir." " Drag?" "The resistance of the air to anything moving through it, sir!" "And thrust?" "Damn, he's good." "E, P, H," " T, O, Z." " Good." "The bottom line, please?" "That's..." "J, M, V..." "No, no, no." "That's not correct." "Uh, actually, Doc, I'm working off that chart." " Are you kidding me?" " H, R," "S, C, C, F." "Copyright 1983, printed in the Philippines." "Bastard." "Reduce airspeed 50 knots." "Lower angle of left wing." "Come on." "Challenge me, bud." "I wasn't cocky." "I just knew what I was doing..." "Deploy landing gear." "And bragged about it, in an obnoxious way." "What's the matter?" "You need to use your hands?" "That's right." "I was on my way and nothing was gonna stop me." "So what happened?" "All that was left was the actual flying." "You're coming in too hot, Gaye." "You're..." "You're way off course!" "Gaye, can you hear me?" "Gaye!" "Wake up!" "Wake up, wake up." "Yeah, there's something wrong with this kid." "Gaye, I've got some bad news." "And it's my job to give it to you in the most professional way possible." "Guess what it is." " Heart disease?" " No." " Measles?" " You're getting cooler." "Oh, uh, okay, okay, okay, um..." " Nervous disorder." " Mmm, mmm, mmm." " That's warmer." " Okay." " Mumps?" " No, colder." " Anemia." " Oh, you're ice-cold." "Come on!" "Doc, just tell me." " You have narcolepsy." " Oh." "It's a neurological disorder caused by the brain's inability to regulate sleep-wake cycles." "In other words, you fall asleep uncontrollably." " That's ridic..." " Hmm?" "Sorry, I thought I had to sneeze." "Oh, I thought you were having a stroke." "That's ridiculous." " Yes!" "So, my dreams of being a pilot were smashed into a thousand pieces." "The only way I was gonna fly was in this apron, and Bryce and Felder never let me forget it." "But it's all in the past." "Never even think about it." "I'm as happy as I seem." "I'm glad you're over it." "Someone's playing our song." "Ah." "Is there something I can help you with?" "I wanted to tell you how much I'm enjoying the movie." "It's not  Ice Age 2 or even 3, but it's a jaunty romp, it's pleasantly paced." "Turbulence." "Excuse me for a second." "Oh!" "Uh, folks, folks, folks." " We gave you the wrong" " License to Chill." "That was the director's cut, with some scenes that had been omitted, and I think wisely so." "Here's some more family friendly entertainment." "How are you?" "You were saying." "Perhaps someday you and I could make a movie like that." "License to Chill?" "No, I mean, I'd like you to make love to me in every way imaginable." "Ooh." "Shall we ignore the fact that it smells like Death's underpants in here?" "Let's." "Okay, can I get you a drink?" " Vodka, rocks." " Yes, it does." "Oh, right." " Thank you." "That'll be $6." " Oh." " Hmm." "Oh." "Ah, yes." "Um, do you happen to have exact change?" "No, I don't." "What are we gonna do about that?" "Here." "Where were we?" "I wanna know everything about you." "I want to feel what it's like to touch you." "I want your body to possess my body." "In a sexual way?" "Hi, there." "So, uh, we're all out of beef stew, would you like some lasagna?" "Oh, but I love beef stew." "Oh, this sucks." "I apologize, sir." " No!" " Okay, all right." "Oh, uh, glad I could help, ma'am." "If anyone else needs help with the faucets, please don't hesitate to call, they can be a tad tricky." "If you could just give me one moment." "Hmm." "Presiding over an emergency meeting of the Mile High Club." "Well, I'm glad you had fun." "We ran out of beef stew, these people are ready to kill me." "Did you tell them we ran out?" "Okay, rookie, lesson one." "It's not beef stew they want, they just want a choice." " But there is no..." " Watch and learn from a professional." "Oh, left the luggage hatch open." "Folks, for dinner we have lasagna or a stew of beef and brown lice." "Well, I'll have the lasagna." "Excellent choice, my dear." "Sir, would you like lasagna or beef with cancer sauce?" " I better go for lasagna." " I think you better, yeah." "Sir, lasagna or sliced elderly human feet?" " Lasagna." " Lasagna." "Excellent choice." "Stick with me, Nath." "You'll gain a mentor, wingman and all-around fun captain, and having you around might help ward off my occasional crushing, empty loneliness." "The crushing, empty loneliness you ignore?" "What crushing, empty loneliness?" "Yeah!" "Call me." "I will." "Yeah, yeah." "Whoa!" "Oh!" "Wow." "Can't believe all that stuff happened in one day." "That's the life of the sky, Nathan." "Every day is an incredible series of fun, memorable events." "A montage, if you will." " It was amazing." " I know." "Although I did get strip searched by a giant angry man." "And severely shocked with defibrillator paddles." "Yep, best job in the world." "I also drank vomit." "Oh, dear God." " What?" " Uh, I can't let that woman see me." " Why?" " Just..." "What the..." "Damn!" "I'm not comfortable with this." "Please, Larry..." "Yeah, Larry she's gone." "Larry, she's gone!" " Okay." "Okay." " She's gone." "That could've been really uncomfortable." "Who was that?" "Nathan, I've said many times nobody can ground this plane permanently, but she came the closest." "The year was 1998." "I was on a weekend layover in LA and, well, you know, every great couple has a cute story about how they met." "We were no different." "She was walking her dog, Muffin." "The night before, I'd been thrown through a car windshield at 50 miles an hour and left for dead." "Boy, that little Muffin sure liked to lick dried blood off a face." "That charming April convinced an off-duty, and possibly drunk, ambulance driver to pick me up." "And I was glad she did." "You're hot." "You wanna have dinner tonight?" "I'll pick you up at 7:00, all right?" "So, I'm all bandaged up, right?" "I look her right in the eye and I say," ""God, you're hot." "You wanna have dinner tonight?"" " Um, Larry..." " Hello, storius interruptus much?" " No, but she's..." " Butt cheese?" "Really, Nathan?" "Act your age, not your weiner length, okay?" "We went to one of those restaurants where they cook everything at the table." "We were given a truly authentic Japanese experience by chef Hiro Obata" "Garcia Gonzalez de San Fernando." "I think it may have been his first day." "So, uh, you grew up in LA?" "Hmm, well actually in the suburbs." "Really?" "Me too." " Really?" " Mmm-hmm." " Oh." " Yeah." "Yeah, I loved it, you know, everything felt so safe." "You could ride a bike to a friend's house without your parents being all worried about you." "Totally, totally." " Yeah." " Yeah." "Yeah." "Mmm-hmm." "So what made you decide that you wanted to fly?" "Well, let's just say I wanted to escape the pain of a father's abandonment." "I wanted to escape the pain of a father's abandonment." "Thank you." "I didn't think I could say that by myself." "Hmm." "Huh." "It's crazy." "So, do you believe in fate?" "Sure." "Do you?" "How could I not?" "I mean, every day I walk Muffin down Elm Street, today I went down Maple, and there you were, unconscious on somebody's lawn." " Hmm." "And usually I take a taxi back to my hotel room, but last night, I accepted a ride from a complete stranger who reeked of alcohol and could barely stand up straight." "And if that hadn't happened, we would've never met." " I know." "It's like that drunk driver was an angel, sent down to watch over me." "Yeah." "I love you, drunk driver who almost killed me." "Now, without exaggeration, I've made love to roughly 135,000 women." "But there was something about April that went beyond the physical." "I..." "Wow." "I just can't believe how much we have in common." "You know, um, we both are Scorpios, we both love Japanese food." "We both even have the same middle name." "I know." "You are amazing, Larry Elizabeth Gaye." "But despite how wonderfully everything was going, something just didn't feel right." "Do you have to go?" "No, I went when I woke up." "So, when you come back to LA, will I see you?" "Look, I, um, the thing is..." "Yes." "Yes, you will." "You promise?" "I give you my word, I'll call you." "Well, I didn't call her." "Why not?" "Nathan, you know me." "I'm built to fly." "And as great as April was, I just..." "I didn't think I could be fully happy down on the ground." "Then why didn't you have the guts to say that?" "Well, because..." "Turbulence." "April." "Boy, your ears must have been burning, 'cause I was just talking about you." "How have you been?" "How have I been?" "Oh, gosh." "Uh, let's see." "I work at a crappy hotel, where, um," "I get hit on all day by shitheads who say they're gonna call and they never do." "How you been?" "Great, I've won six Golden Coffee Pots in a row." " This is my buddy, Nathan." " Asshole." "Hey, that's not really fair." "You didn't even give him a chance." " I think she meant you." " No." "Really?" "April, wait!" "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "I should never have done what I did." "I guess what I'm trying to say is, what I should've done is what I didn't." "And what I did do is not the opposite of what the unright thing to do would've been." " I understand." "Okay." " Okay, good." "Um, in fact, why don't you, um..." "Why don't you come over tonight?" "We can, um, pick up where we left of, you know, for old times' sake." "Well, I guess I could drop my landing gear, if you know what I mean." "Put my tray table into its upright position, if you know what I mean." "Fit my wheelie bag into you overhead comp..." "I know what you mean." "Okay, so I'll see you tonight, right?" " Yes, you will." " Okay." "And this is the team that we have assembled to fine tune the Flightpal's hard drive." "Johann Kaminsky, Stuart Nevins and Token Black." "Taequan Black." "Taequan Black." "Yes, of course it is." "Now, Mr. Techtronics would like to see how it's going with our highest priority project." " Uh, fantastic." " Right on target." " Couldn't ask for better." " Well within parameters." "Are you sure?" "Well, the technical stuff will be there, but there's a certain human instinct that great flight attendants have, which we don't fully understand yet." "I think I can help you with that." "What?" "What's the matter with you boys?" "Never seen a sexy woman before?" " No, no." " No, no." "Not for free." "No." "Isabella here has done a little research for us." "Larry, I want to know the secrets of being the best flight attendant in the world." "Wait, you're not gonna somehow use this against me, are you?" "What?" "No, of course not." "No, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable, I just felt I had to ask." "Anyway, all my secrets?" "Where do I begin?" "These tulips should go in water." "And these two lips should go on a self-guided tour of Mount April." "Larry, you haven't changed a bit." "Hey, if it ain't broke, don't un-break it, if you know what I mean." " I don't." "Um..." " Okay." "Uh, Larry there is someone I'd like you to meet." " Mmm." " So, um, just wait here." " That's exactly what I'm gonna do." " Okay." "Three-way." "Huh, that's a different way to go." " Larry." " Oh." "This is Donnie." " What's up, man?" " He's your son." "He's my what?" "Eh..." "Whoa." " May I have a word with you?" " Yeah." "This can't be." "We only did it once." "That was all it took." "That's what I'm talking about." "But how can you be sure he's mine?" "Turbulence." "Hey, Donnie." "Would you like some more?" "Don't mind if I do." "Okay." "Hmm." "Mmm." "No, no." "Oh, okay." "Oh, okay." "Mmm." "Oh, uh, convenient." "Yeah, well, I don't have a lot of time to cook." "I'm a single mother." "As you know." "Yeah, that's gotta be rough." "So, Donnie, how's school?" "Uh, What..." "What grade are you in?" "First?" "Wow, you gotta be one of the bigger kids in the class, huh?" "No, Donnie, don't disrespect your father." "He's not my father." "Aha!" "The plot thickens." "No, he means he doesn't accept you as a father." "Oh." "I see." "Okay, look, Donnie." "I don't blame you for feeling angry towards me." "If you don't want me to be a part of your life, I understand." "Good." "It's just as well." "Flying the LA to Chicago route first thing in the morning anyway." "I'm..." "I'm sorry again." " About..." "About everything." " Mmm-hmm." "Wait." "Dad, are you a pilot?" "Wait, um, your mother didn't tell you what I do for a living?" "She's never told me anything about you." "I've always dreamed of having a dad who was a pilot." "Son, that look of wide-eyed adoration on your face makes it hard for me to admit" " that I'm only a fly..." " Please say pilot." "Ing man." "Meaning pilot." "I'm a pilot." "I'm a pilot." "That is so cool." "That's what I wanna be when I grow up." "Tell me everything about it." "Every single detail." "Son, there is nothing like the feeling of guiding that bird up to 36,000 feet." "Someday you'll come up with me." "Okay." "Why don't you two keep talking, I'm gonna get dessert ready, okay?" "Okay." "Wow, there's just so much I didn't know." "Well, now you do." "Any questions?" "Yeah, uh, can you still do it if there's only one girl?" "Good question, Son." "And the answer, believe it or not, is yes." "I mean, she won't always have a hot roommate or a college friend visiting from out of town." "On those occasions, you have to make it work." "And where can I get one of these swings?" "There are catalogs." "Online sex shops." "I had mine custom made in Bangkok." "But remember, install it properly." "And test it out." "Because you always wanna have..." "Safe sex." "Atta boy." "That's my boy." "Anything else?" "Yeah, just one thing." "Should you still do it if you and the girl are, like, in love?" "Hmm." "I'm gonna have to say no on that one, Son." "There can be a lot of strings attached." "But you know what?" "You're only 13." "You have so much to learn." "I just..." "I wanted you to have the basics." "Thanks, Dad." "I really appreciate it." "Hey, you got it." "Now bring it in here." "Huh?" "All right." "That's my boy." "Oh." "Hey, what are you guys doing in here?" "Uh, just a little father-son bondage." "Okay." "Uh, Donnie, I'm afraid that it's time for you to go to bed." " Aww." " Can Dad stay over?" " If you like, yeah, he can stay." " Sweet." "The living room?" "I mean, what if the kid walks in on us?" "Hmm, I don't know." "Oh, um, don't forget to lock that." "It's broken, it tends to release." "So if you..." "Yeah, I think I got it." "So, how come you never tried to find me and tell me about Donnie?" "Um, well, because I was..." "I was really angry." "Angry at you for leaving, and I didn't think you deserved a son as great as Donnie, and I don't know, I guess when I saw you at the pool," "I thought maybe the time had come." "Well, April, I wanna do my part." "From now on, I'll give you half my salary for him." "Well, I'll give you 25% of my salary for him." "And on his birthday, well, I'll pick him out something from the sky mall." "A sleep mask, a neck pillow." "Perhaps some nice compression leg sleeves, ideal for improved circulation on longer flights." "Okay, I think what he'd really like to have is a father in the picture." "I know." "You've got to get out there and start dating while you're still hot." "I meant you." "Oh." "Look, I..." "I know that it's a lot to ask, but if you, I don't know, if you ever stop flying and settle in the area, you..." "You could really be a big part of his life." "Yeah, but how would I even earn a living?" "I mean, sure, I could open a studio and teach the Macarena, but that craze isn't gonna last forever." "April, let's face it." "If you couldn't keep me on the ground, well, nothing could." "Okay, well, just think about it." "Okay." "Oh, not right now?" "Just think about it." "Better yet, I'll think about it." " Okay." " Okay." "Good night, Larry." "Hey, uh, maybe we could have sex." "If you know what I mean." "Okay, if you say the actual thing, then you don't need to say," ""If you know what I mean."" "Is that a yes?" "That's a no." " Got it." " Okay." "All right." "Oh." "I said no, Larry." "Oh." "Morning, Son." "Morning, woman with whom passionate unprotected fling resulted in son." "Morning." "Where's your hat, Dad?" " What hat?" " Your pilot's hat." "Oh, right." "I don't like to wear it when I'm not flying." "Too pilot-y." "Which I am, of course." "Pilot." "I'm a pilot." "Wait, why is your tie tucked into your shirt?" "I thought only loser stewardesses did that." "Flight attendants." "Is what those losers prefer to be called, and this tie-tuck is my way of mocking them." "Losers." "Come on, I'll walk you to school." "Oh, actually, I ride a bike." "Not a problem." "Hey, Dad." "When I grow up, can I be a pilot just like you?" "Of course you can." "You can be anything you want, Son." "Just follow your dreams and go wherever they take you." "The good ones, not the weird ones, like when you're naked at a funeral." "Or naked at a petting zoo." "I got it." "Thanks, Dad." "You got it, Son." "Let me get that for you, Son." " Thanks, Dad." " Sure." "Straight in there." "Hey, look." "It's Donnie Girlparts." "How's your vagina today, Donnie?" "Son, you have a vagina?" "God, the surprises just keep coming." "No, Dad." "They pick on me 'cause they think I'm a wuss." "It's no big deal, okay?" "I beg to differ." "Hey, you." "This young man here, he's a Gaye." "And when you mess with a Gaye, you mess with Gayes everywhere." "And some of us Gayes have a vicious temper." "You feel me?" "You feel me on that?" "Scram!" "Thanks, Dad." "Hey, it's what dads do." "So, are you gonna be, like, staying with us from now on?" "Well, actually, Son, I..." "I..." "I will." "Of course I will." "What, do you think I'm just gonna abandon you like my own father did?" "That I'm gonna choose an empty, transient existence over a meaningful life with a family that loves me?" "What do you got for a guy who chose an empty transient existence" " over a meaningful life with a family that loves him?" " Scotch?" " No, I'm American." " Sorry, you look Scotch." " You're Gaye, right?" " Yeah." "Thought so." "You remind me of your dad." "Ugh!" "Well, Cecile it looks like your award-winning flight attendant" " is 30 minutes late." " That's the type of human error that you never have to worry about with the Flightpal." " Wait, wait, wait, wait." "Larry's coming, I know he is." " Uh-huh." "Well, he's about 30 minutes late." " Well, maybe he's stuck in traffic, I don't know." " Really?" " I don't think he's ever gonna show up." " Trust me, he's a hero." " Mmm-hmm." " He's gonna save all of our jobs." " I ran out on my own son, everyone." "Yes, I did." "Just like my own father ran out on me." "The sins of the fathers laid on the children of the corn." "'Cause I had a chance to stop the cycle of abandonment." "Did I?" "Did I?" "Larry!" " No, it's Jack." " Larry." "Oh, boy, this isn't optimal." " Okay, all right, listen to me." " Okay." " Okay?" " Okay." "I want you to take all this shame, okay, all this pain that you're feeling right now, and let's use it, let's channel it." "Let's focus it." "Thank you, Nathan." "I needed that." "Phew!" "My God, you're hot." "Look, I've got a full-on dinosaur bone in my pants, and it's not going away any time soon." "Yeah, let's do this." "Attendants ready." " And go!" "And brew!" "Good." "Oh!" "Ow!" "Here we go, are you ready for this?" " Yeah!" " All right, she's just a sexy robot." "Just a sexy robot." "You're Larry Gaye." "Go!" "Go get her." "What does this test measure?" "We just thought it'd be fun to watch." " Okay." "Move!" "Oh!" "Nathan!" " Nathan!" " Right here." "Nathan, Nathan, I've done it, Nathan." " I've done it." " No, you didn't." " I didn't?" " You didn't." " Oh." " It was ugly." "Oh." " Okay, Nate, so how am I doing?" " All right, I've got you down 30 points to none." " With one event left." " Huh." "I felt it was closer than that." " It's not." " Well, how can I possibly make up 30 points?" "Because customer service is so important, this final event is worth 31 points." " Hmm." " Wow, that's convenient." "We're going to present a customer service problem and see who can best solve it." "It's dinner time we have two entrees, barbeque chicken and pasta primavera." "The problem is, you're all out of pasta." "Good evening, folks, for dinner we have barbeque chicken or stewed muskrat testicles." " I'll have the chicken." " Of course you will." "I have barbeque chicken or vomit encrusted rat legs." "Barbeque chicken." " Now, that's programing." "Uh, barbeque chicken or the sauteed anus of a skunk served on a bed of the anuses of other skunks." "I'll take the chicken." "Barbeque chicken or toe nail fungus in a broth of hobo saliva and crotch sweat." "Barbeque chicken or, uh, bubonic plague garnished with pigeon droppings and the hand-fluffed pubes of a fat, old eczema sufferer who just ran a 10k." "Chicken sounds good." " Yeah." "Barbeque chicken or dingleberry-crusted rat tartar drizzled with pus, served with a warm mug of curdled liposuction fat." "Chicken, please." " Um..." "Barbeque chicken or..." "Or, um..." " Or lobster." "I..." " Oh, I'll have the lobster." "Yeah, fuck chicken, I want the lobster too." " I don't have lobster." "I only have barbeque chicken." "I couldn't think of anything else disgusting." "I give up." "Larry Gaye gives up." "I am amazed." "I am amazed." "The winner, by a score of 61 points to zero," "is Sally the Flightpal." "Ugh!" "I don't know how you lost." "You were down by 30 points." "But when they said the last event was for 31, I thought for sure you'd win." "Nah, things like that only happen in the movies, Nathan." "This is real life." "But how did she know how to do that with the arm tray?" "I mean, it's like she knew my every move." "But how?" "Isabella." "The woman who seduced me and with whom I shared all my secrets, and then never heard from again." "You came to support me." "I'm truly touched, that is so sweet." "I don't think that's what happened, Lar." "I think she plied you for information" " and used it against you." " Oh." "Pardon my sidekick, he's embarrassingly naive." " How have you been?" " Oh, no, he's right, Larry." "I'm sorry." "You deceiving tramp." "I never wanna see your lying face again." "My God, you are so hot!" "Any chance you're free for dinner?" " No." " Lunch, tomorrow?" "Breakfast?" "God!" "I'm such an idiot!" "I've ruined flight attending for everyone." "Everyone!" "Everyone!" "You can be anything you want, Son." "Just follow your dreams and go wherever they take you." "  Federated Airlines." "Hi, this is Larry Gaye." "I seem to have forgotten my next assignment." "Could you tell me where my next flight is?" "Oh, hi, Larry, it's Cristal." "You've got Flight 37 to Buenos Aires, leaves San Fran tonight at 10:00." " Thank you." " Hey, Larry, what are you wearing?" " Jeans and a hoodie from GAP kids." " Okay." " Okay, have a nice flight." " Mmm-hmm." " May I help you?" " Hi, can I get a ticket from Los Angeles to San Francisco, and continuing on from San Francisco to Buenos Aires, please?" "Sorry, I'm not allowed to sell tickets to unaccompanied minors." "I'd like a ticket from Los Angeles to San Francisco, then on to Buenos Aires." "Sorry, I'm not allowed to sell tickets to unaccompanied miners." "Oh, no, actually we're together." "So..." "Oh, perfect!" "Jeez." "What happened?" "Who brought herpes to the orgy?" "Larry, look." " She has herpes?" "Thanks for the heads-up." " No!" "That's the Flightpal." "They say within a year, we'll all be gone." " It's devastating." " You say that like it's my fault." "As if I lost some sort of flight attending contest to save our jobs." "You did." "That's exactly what happened." " Disagree not to agree." " You're just combining words." "Correctly." " Sir, can I get you a drink?" " Bourbon, rocks." "It sure does, but I'm afraid I can't serve alcohol to miners." " Sparkling water." " Very well." " Sir, can I get you a..." "Son?" " Dad!" "What are you doing here?" "Well, I took your advice." "You told me to follow my dreams, and my dreams are to fly and be with you." "Donnie, I can't be a part of this." "I mean, your mother's probably worried sick." "You get off this plane and go home, this minute." " We're at 32,000 feet." " Right." "Whatever you do, do not get off this plane, but we're gonna talk more about this when we get to Buenos Aires." "Hey, Dad?" "What are you doing back here serving drinks?" "Aren't you supposed to be up front in the cockpit?" "And that's how you serve a drink, you lowly, wussified flight attendant." "God!" "Don't make me come back here and show you again." " I'm way too busy flying the plane." " But, Larry..." "Larry?" "Who's Larry?" "I'm not Larry." "It's Captain Gaye to you." "Hey!" "That's my nickname." "Huh." "Okay." "I've gotta get back to work." "In the cockpit, of course." "Which is where I belong, being a pilot." "I'm a pilot." " Look who it is." "What are you doing up here, Gaye?" "My son is on board and he doesn't know I'm only a..." " Flying waitress?" " Sissy man?" "Ass pansy?" "Come on, guys." "Give me a break, okay?" "Just let me stay up here for a while so he doesn't find out." "Can't help you, Gaye." "It's against regulations." "Hey, why is our fuel level dropping precipitously?" "I don't know." "Good night." "Donnie?" "Dear Mom, sorry to sneak out, but I had to go find Dad." "I rigged the CD recording to start playing when you picked up that blank piece of paper." "Hope it all worked." "Oh, my God." "Uh, Lar?" "We were supposed to start dinner service an hour ago." "Hey, I think we can wait a while." "Larry, you can't avoid facing the truth with your son forever." "He'll accept you whether you're a pilot" " or a flight attendant." " That's really great advice, Nate." "Sally, would you mind covering dinner in coach for me with Nathan here?" "I'm just..." "I'm trying to avoid being seen." "It's a long story." "But I was assigned to first class." " Come on, have a heart." " But I don't have a heart." " Do you have to take everything so literally?" " Yes." " Fine." "Fine." " Dinner?" "Must be a break in one of the lines." "According to this, we're losing fuel like crazy." "This is Federated Flight 37, we've got a situation." "Chicken and rice, please." "Uh, ma'am, we have baked ziti and chicken with wild rice." "Chicken and rice, please." " Dad?" " Oh." " Dad, are you really a pilot?" "Yeah, I'm just helping out while the plane's on autopilot." " Folks, we've just switched off autopilot, we're expecting some possible turbulence." "Oh, that's Felder, my co-pilot, and I am his captain." "Uh..." "This is Captain Bryce, just want to let you know you're in good hands with me and my co-pilot, Felder, up here." "It's the two of us flying this plane, definitely no one else in the cockpit." "Dad?" "Oh, Son, you're too smart for me." "I'm..." "I'm a..." "I'm a flight attendant." "Why did you lie to me?" "I just felt that if you knew, you'd judge me or think less of me." "I guess it was just my own insecurity." "I should have given you more credit." "You pussy!" "You're pathetic!" "Okay, my dad's a waitress with wings." "A sissy man." "Don't forget ass pansy." "Uh..." "At this time, we'd like to ask flight attendant" "Larry Gaye to report to the cockpit." "To all you passengers, nothing to worry about, certainly no blown fuel lines or anything of that nature." "Gaye, we think the main fuel line is blown, and we might have to make an emergency landing." "And, well, neither of us have actually ever done one before." "And back in flight school, you were the best at it." "So, we're sorry." "You gotta help us, Larry." "We're scared." "You spent all those years abusing me, and now, all of a sudden, you need me." "I don't know, guys, I mean, I'm just a lowly waitress with wings." "A sissy man, an ass pansy, if you will." "How could I possibly help you big, strong, superior pilots?" "Look, we're sorry for all the stuff that we ever said." "Yeah, yeah, we never meant it." "You know, I do." "I say these things sometimes." " Well..." " I don't know why." " All right, it's okay." " I'm not a good person, Larry." " I forgive you." "Now..." " My mom didn't hold me enough, and when she did, it was always at a weird distance." "Like..." "The way you'd hold a spool of barbed wire, or an angry raccoon, not a lonely little boy." "Maybe to compensate, my grandmother was overly affectionate." "She would hold me tight against her ample bosom, keep me nestled in there long after it became difficult to breathe." "And yet, on one level," "I think I liked it." "She smelled like nutmeg." "Autumn." "Okay, guys, listen, we need..." "I once pleasured myself to the image of my grandma jumping on a trampoline." "I will help land the plane." "Up." "Oh, but first, Captain Felder, I'll need a cup of coffee." "One sugar and just a skosh of cream." "Federated 37 to ground control." "Come in, Bryce." "You got Herb Donkins here." "Actually, there's been a slight change, Herb." "From now on, the man you'll be talking to is Gaye." "Oh!" "Well, good for you, Bryce." "Have you told your wife?" "No, Larry Gaye." "I'm a flight attendant, and I'm gonna bring this bird down." "Well, that's against FAA rules." "Look, if you want these people on the ground in one piece, then I'm bringing her down." "Now, here's what I'm thinking." "If we have enough fuel to reach the ocean..." " Larry..." " What?" "Hello?" "Hello?" " Larry?" "Come in." "Come in, damn it." "Okay, you don't have to yell." "I left room in case you want some more cream." "I can't hear a damn thing!" "I said I left room in case you want to add some more cream!" "Damn it!" "Where'd you go?" "To get coffee, like you asked me to!" "Would you like some Chardonnay?" "  Or perhaps some Cabernet-Franc" " What the hell is that?" "It's a combination of Cabernet and Merlot, pairs well with savory meats like pork, lamb." "The signals are crossed with the Flightpal." "That's why we've lost our radio." "Somebody's gotta take out the Flightpal." "Bryce, hold our course." "I'll be right back." " Coffee smells good." " Don't touch anything." "Hey, Larry, what the hell is going on?" "What's this about a blown fuel line?" "No time to explain." "Take that, robot bitch." "Uh, Larry." "That's not her." " No?" " No." "There you are." " May I help you?" " Yes, you may." "I said power down all electronic devices." "Dad, what's goin' on?" "Son, how would you like to come up to the cockpit and watch your old man attempt an incredibly dangerous emergency landing?" "This is Federated 37 to ground control." "Come in, ground control." "Uh, we read you, Larry, but you're dropping like a stone." "According to our gauge, we have about 30 miles of air left." "We're about 30 miles from Los Angeles." "Then that's where we're going." "Can we get clearance at LAX?" "Okay, we're gonna clear all runways." "Take your pick." "Wait, um, would it make more sense to put the plane towards a less populated area, in case we don't have enough fuel to make it?" "Son, this is no time for naive questions." "It's time for heroic yet impulsive actions." "Now remember, every second..." " Larry?" " Dad?" "Yeah, he's, um..." "He's 13 years old, and I think he's on one of your flights." "And in a bizarre turn of events, we've learned that" " a flight attendant is going to attempt..." " Do you know Larry Gaye?" " He could be with him, right?" " ...an emergency landing at LAX." "As this harrowing story develops, we're joined by flight attendant Steven Slater." "Hi, Tanya, great to be here." "He's the former..." "Cheese and crackers, how did we get so low?" "You fell asleep." "Larry, you are eight miles from LAX." "How much fuel do you have left?" "Uh, not eight miles' worth." "There's only one thing we can do." " Urban Landing." " Don't be an idiot." " It's far too risky." " It's never been done." "Nathan, I need you up here now." "Herb, we can't make it to the airport." "I'm going to bring her down in the city." "Passengers are kind of freakin' out back there." "So I thought..." "Get your priorities straight, Nathan." "This is gonna be huge." "Herb, did you read me?" "We need to land in the city." "I am sorry, Larry." "My shift is ending." "I'm gonna have to turn you over to Russ Peterson." " Have a good one." " What?" "You can't do that." "Hey, Larry, Russ Peterson here." "Uh, okay, Russ, we're in a dire emergency." " We're gonna run out of fuel any second." " Whoa, whoa, whoa." "Hold on, Larry, I just got here." "Give me a chance to settle in." "Okay, I'm just..." "I'm taking my jacket off." "Hey, is that a birthday cake?" "Who's birthday is it?" "Happy birthday, big thug." "Come here, let me give you a hug." "Okay, I'm just going to grab myself a little cake here." "Okay, I'm back." "Now, you were saying?" "We're running out of fuel." "I need to land this plane in Los Angeles." " Larry, that's never..." " I know, it's never, but I'm doing it now." "Son..." "If we don't make it, I just want you to know," " I love you." " We might not make it?" "Of course we're going to make it." " Huh, yeah" " Yeah." "Just how good are you?" "Damn, he's good." "You're a legend." "Just follow your dreams and go wherever they take you." "I have a private bunk with the only bathtub in this whole facility." " Larry?" "Do you read me?" " Okay." "Roger, Russ." "This is Federated 37 heavy, coming in on uncleared course 45, vector 16, bearing two-niner-zero." "Urban landing." "I repeat, urban landing." "Roger that, Captain Gaye." "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking." "Prepare for arrival." "Oh, and if we survive, baggage can be found on carousel 3." "Uh, do I have space?" "Wait, wait, wait, after the minivan." "Uh, this guy's going to let us in." "Thank you." "Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa!" "Okay, okay, okay." "Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa!" "Wheels down." "Repeat, we have wheels on the ground." "Oh!" "Oh, thank God, Larry." "Completed an urban landing on a southbound freeway." "Ah!" "You're one cool customer, Gaye." "I would've peed in my pants." "Ha!" "That's ridiculous." "Larry!" "Larry!" "Larry!" "Dad, I'm sorry I thought it was lame to be a flight attendant." "That's okay, Son." "Look, if it's one thing that I teach you in this lifetime, it's that, well, it's that flight attendants pull every bit as much ass as pilots." " Love you, Dad." " Thanks, Son." "Bring it here." "Okay, Lar, let's just get off at this exit, and we can head back to the airport." "Not yet." "I got a stop to make first." "Uh, yep." "There it is." "Donnie!" "Cross your arms." "My goodness, Donnie!" "Donnie, I was worried sick!" "I'm sorry." "I just really missed Dad." "Well, honey, you're gonna have to learn how to deal with that." "Daddy doesn't live here." "His home is in the sky." "Go get into bed, okay?" "Okay." "Bye, Dad." "Bye, Son." "Thanks for bringing him home." "Actually," "I did a little thinking up there, while I was saving 200 people from a fiery death." "Yeah?" "I thought about how, of all the great times I've had in my life, the greatest, the greatest," "was the time I spent with you." "Then why did you leave?" "Because I was an idiot, who thought that not being tied down and going from woman to woman to woman, to, in some cases," " women, plural." " Go on." "Would be a fun, fulfilling lifestyle, but the truth is, it was soulless and empty." "All that meaningless sex was just filling a hole." "And by hole, I don't mean vagina." "Or in some cases, I guess I do mean vagina." "I know what you mean." "April..." "Is there any chance you could see your way clear to taking this idiot back?" "Oh, gosh, Larry." "Did you really think you could just waltz back into my life because you were finally ready and I'd be sitting here waiting for you?" "Kind of, yeah." "Oh, no." "It's too late." "You've moved on." "You were the one thing in my life that was real and true, and I blew it." "Gah!" "How could I have thought you would've waited for me?" "Stupid Larry!" "Stupid Larry!" "God, please, let me drown in this ocean of despair." "Without this woman in my life," "I don't want to live." "I don't want to live!" "Murphy bed's all fixed." "Thank you, Karl." "Oh." "Larry..." "Listen, when you left and I never heard from you again, that hurt me." "But when you left Donnie, that didn't just hurt me, that hurt him." "I know, and I didn't want to leave." "But I didn't believe I could be any better at fatherhood than my own father was." "But then I landed that plane safely, and I realized that I can take care of my son." "And being with him, and being with you, that'll keep me on the ground for good." "So you'll really not fly anymore?" "Oh!" "Well, that is shockingly painful." "Like, more than I would have ever imagined." "Come here, Larry Elizabeth Gaye." "I'm coming, April Elizabeth Fornicowsky." "And by coming, I mean approaching, not ejaculating..." "I know what you mean." "Aww!" "Donnie!" "Donnie!" "Daddy's staying." " Really?" " Yes, really." "It's okay, guys." "You can go." "And so, I retired my apron, leaving the door open for someone else to finally win the Golden Coffee Pot." "And because of the way the wiring interfered with the plane's radios," "Federated Airlines was forced to abandon the Flightpal project." "Three weeks after that fateful flight," "I landed April, my beautiful bride and mother of my wonderful, and no longer bastard, son Donnie." "And the feeling of crushing empty loneliness that dogged me through the years, well, turned out to be a gluten allergy." "Six months later, I found myself at a bookstore in downtown LA, reading this last chapter of my book." "And then something unbelievable happened." "I looked up and saw..." "Dad?" "Dad!" "It's me!" " Larry." " Larry." "Larry." "You look wonderful, Son." "You too, Dad." "You must have come to ask my forgiveness for walking out all those years ago, and to beg me to allow you back into my life." "That's exactly right, Larry, that's why I'm here." "Well, there was a time..." "There was a time I would've told you to stick several unwieldy objects in your ass." "A porcupine, a six iron a French horn, ceramic pineapple." "But..." "I've learned a little something about fatherhood." "So..." "Whoo!" "I forgive you, Dad." " Oh..." " Welcome back into my life." "Oh!" "Thank God." "Thank God!" "Oh, that is..." " That is such a huge relief." " Oh!" "I know." " Boy, oh, boy." "I know." " For me, too." "For me, too." " Yeah, yeah." "Uh..." "You got to give me a second." "I got to move my car." " I'm double parked." " Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah." "I'll be right back." " You got it, Dad." " You got it." "You got it." " You got it!" "Ah!" "I can't wait to resume my relationship with that guy." "Oh!" "Uh..." "Anyway, anyway..." "Then I closed the book to thunderous applause." "Uh, it said "thunderous applause."" " Four seems like plenty." " Fine."