"Read this again." "Come on, Ray." "Honey, it's a great present." "What you wrote on it is perfect, and you can't change it now anyway because it's Christmas Eve." "Once more!" ""Merry Christmas." "We love you." "Michael, Geoffrey, Ally, Debra and Ray."" " It's stupid!" " Oh!" "No, everybody's going to love this present, okay?" "Accept it, you had a great idea." "Why did I put Xmas, you know?" "I don't like Xmas." "I X-ed out the name of the birthday boy." "Ray, stop!" "Stop obsessing, okay?" "I love it." "My God, it's been two months of toaster!" "Hey, this is going out with my name on it." " Did you wrap the one for your parents?" " Yes." " Which wrapping?" " The foil." "No!" " That tips off the gift." " What?" "!" "Foil wrapping-- it's a metal toaster!" "Why don't you just wrap it in toast?" "Look, if I'm going to drive all the way up to Connecticut to spend Christmas Day with your parents," "I want a good reaction when they open the present." "And the foil wrapping kills that?" "I don't know." "You think this toaster thing is funky enough for them?" "Was it supposed to be funky?" "For them, I mean-- they're the hip people." "Oh, honey." "Come on, you're hip." "Yes, yes, this is a very... hip... funky... bad-ass toaster!" "very nice." "Yeah, make fun of me." " No, I'm not!" " Oh yeah, your parents-  your parents and you put up with me" " No, nobody feels that way." "I'm a doofus, okay?" "I admit it." "Come on, who am I kidding?" "Look at me." "I'm a goofy doofus with a foofy toaster." "What?" "Look, it's fine, all right?" "I'm not blaming anyone." "I don't know, you could have married better." "I don't know." "Merry Christmas, honey." "Good night." "Oh God!" "Look at the size of my nose!" "Wow, did you do that yourself?" "They're coming!" "Raymond, more wassail?" "Uh, yeah, okay." "Thanks." "I'm glad you like it." "It's an old recipe from a Scottish brothel." "Dates back to the 1 2th century." "There's actual peat moss in it!" "And, as the Welsh say, lechyd da!" "Hey!" "Brushum-feltya!" "I just made that up." "Come on, Ray." "Let's give them our present." "You know what?" "They'll open it when we leave." "Oh stop it." "No, here it is, right here." "Raymond picked it out, and he did everything." "Oh, well I love the wrapping!" "Debra did that." "Hey, a toaster." " Look, hon, a toaster." " Oh." "How nice." "You got to open the box." "You go ahead there." "What are you doing?" "Hating myself." "Oh look, Warren!" ""Merry Christmas." "We love you." "Michael, Geoffrey, Ally, Debra and Ray."" "This is fantastic!" "You see?" "You love it, right?" " What a wild idea." "Who thought of this?" " Ray." "No, well" " I" "Yeah, yeah." "Oh, Raymond." "Look at that engraving." "I love the chrome." "Super!" "Just super!" "Thank you." "Thank you, thank you, thank you, Ray!" "It is so retro-chic!" "You're making fun of me, right?" "No, this should be on display." "Home run." "See?" " Look who's here!" " Ho ho ho!" "Hey, Robert!" "So glad you made it!" " I thought you weren't gonna come." " It was on the way back." "I was doing some skiing with a friend." " Here she comes." " Hi." " Merry Christmas." " Leann, everyone." " Everyone, Leann." " Welcome." "Come in." "Let me take your coat." "What is your life now?" "I don't know." "Better?" "Hey, by the way, that toaster you gave me, it was great." "I gotta hand it to you, all the names engraved." "Yeah?" "Thanks." "Oh, that was so sweet." "All my brother gave me was some cheap bath salts." "I just wanted to express myself in a... retro-chic way." "The whole family got one?" "Yeah, and a couple of friends too." "They're all gonna love it." "Just what you need, Raymond-- more love." "Yeah, hey, no more complaints from you." "You know what I'm talking about?" "Listen, what did Mom and Dad say about the toaster?" "We're heading back there now." "I only got them a soft toilet seat." "I guess I'll" "I guess I'm gonna have to-- I don't know, write a poem on it." "No, but really, the reason why I came by was to say thank you." " You're sweet and thoughtful." " Yeah, all right." " I mean it." " Well, thanks." " Merry Christmas, Raymond." " Oh, yeah." "Thanks, Robby." "You too." "Oh see?" "You did it!" "The perfect present." "Everybody loves it." "Oh boy, it really feels like Christmas, doesn't it?" "What?" "Why didn't Mom and Dad call about the toaster?" "Hey, Ray, brushum-feltya!" "Hey, Ray, guess what?" "Three more messages on the machine." "Gayle, Andy, Linda, all loved the toaster!" "Yeah, still nothing from my parents." "I gave it to them on the 23rd." "It's the 26th and they haven't called or stopped by." " You know what that's called?" " What?" "A merry Christmas!" "I don't get it." "You give them a present, you'll think that" " Hi!" " Hi!" "Time to take down the tree." " Hey, Ma?" " Yeah?" " How was your Christmas?" " It was marvelous." "The Telsters came over and we sang songs." "We even had some Amaretto." "You should have seen your father." "He was wonderful." "Okay." "Okay, you're mad because we spent Christmas Day at her parents' house." "Of course not, dear." "I know we trade off." "I did wish you were there, though." "Your father danced with a trash can!" "Yeah, Mr. Wonderful!" "He had the time of his life." " He needs some aspirin." "May I?" " Yeah, sure." "So, Ma, did you get some nice things this year?" "Oh yes, dear." "Lovely." "I can't complain." "All right, did you get my gift?" "Oh, yes, dear." "very nice." "You know" "I heard that you met Robby's skiing date." "Did you like her?" "I'm talking to Dad." "I liked her." "She gave me some lovely bath salts." " Hey, Dad." " Aspirin." "Yeah, it's coming." "Listen" "Bad Christmas." "I danced with your mother." "She said it was the trash can." "I traded up to the trash can." "All right, listen, did you guys open my present?" "What?" "Oh, yeah." "very nice." "Thank you." "That's it?" "Did you see what it was?" "What?" "Yeah." "It was a toaster." "Did you open the box?" "Yeah." "You saw what it said?" "What did it say?" "I don't know" ""Toast Pro." Who cares?" "It was special." "It's a special thing." "You didn't open the box." "You gotta open up the box, Dad." "Come on." "Where is it?" "I... don't have it with me right now." "What do you mean?" "Where is it?" "What did you do with it?" "Your mother wanted a coffee-maker." "Here we go." "What did you do?" "Where is my toaster?" "What did you do?" "Nothing, dear." "When we saw it was a toaster, we took it over to Bloomingdale's and traded it in for the coffee machine." "What, but, I-- it didn't even come from Bloomingdale's." "They don't know that." "So you lied to Bloomingdale's?" "Not Mr. Bloomingdale." "Just the store." "When did you do this?" "The day you gave it to us." "I hate returning things after Christmas." "It's so crowded." " Coffee, dear?" " No!" "No!" " I don't want coffee!" " It's very good." "That wasn't just a toaster, Ma." "It said, "Merry Christmas." "We love you." "Michael, Geoffrey, Ally, Debra and Ray."" "It spoke?" "No!" "On it!" "On the side." "I had it engraved on the side!" " Engraved?" " What did you do that for?" "I don't know!" "I thought it would be nice." "I thought you might enjoy it, you psychopaths!" "Was my name on there?" "I can't believe this!" "You know how much time and-  and thought" " Sweetie, sweetie" " No, it" " Shh, shh, shh." "All right, listen, honey, listen." "I understand." "I completely understand why you're upset." "But let me explain something." "You see, this coffee machine has the coffee already made when you come down in the morning." "The toaster has your son's name, and the names of his family, your grandchildren and their love on it." "I'm sorry, dear." "You know what?" "Maybe we can put the names on the coffee machine." "What are you buying a toaster for anyway?" " Ours is still good." " No, it's not!" "It is, dear." "You just don't know how to use it." "You've got to rattle it a little bit." "And then you pull the toast up and turn it around" " and then do it on the other side." " It's not about toast!" "My gift had meaning." "Everyone else loves the toaster!" "Everyone else!" "Everyone!" "Who are you people?" "!" "You know what?" "Any time I've ever given you a present," " it's never been any good." " That's not true." " No?" "The microwave." " Well, that." "We didn't need a microwave." "And they're dangerous." "What if I wanted to have more children?" "If God hasn't stopped you, the government will." "What about the Fruit-of-the-Month club?" "That was insane!" "A year of fruit?" "You know they still send me flyers wanting me to rejoin?" "And pictures of apricots!" " How is that supposed to make me feel?" " How you feel?" "How about how I feel?" "You ever think of that?" "Well, honey... we are the ones who have to get these presents." "I'm sorry." "I don't know what else to say." "How about thank you?" "Yeah, thank you." "That's what people say." "I don't care if you need a toaster or think it's a waste of money." "You take the gift and you say thank you." "And you know why?" "Because it's from me!" "Me, me, Raymond!" "Your idiot son Raymond!" "How could they not like the toaster?" "They didn't even open it." "They traded it in." "Ungrateful mental cases." "You know, maybe the question here isn't, "Why don't they ever like my presents?"" "but rather, "Why do I so desperately need their approval?"" "Ah!" "Oh shut up!" "Shut up!" "How would you feel?" "How would I feel?" "Maybe you'd like to read my book" ""You're in the way:" "The Robert Barone Story."" "He doesn't need their approval, sis." "He's got it to a fault, he's the beloved one." "Oh yeah, they love me, they care about me." "How come they don't care that they hurt my feelings, huh?" "That's right." "You don't see them doing anything about that!" " You let me do the talking." " Just tell the truth." "No, no, no." "Where are you from?" "We walk out of here with the toaster and the coffee thing." "What?" "Just get Raymond's toaster!" " Next in line, please." " Shh!" " Just don't say anything that" " Lock it up, Marie!" "Hello." " And a merry Christmas to you!" " Merry Christmas." "May our Lord and Savior bestow many blessings upon you and your loved ones." "Thank you." "I'm Jewish." "Oh." "All these people must be a pain in the ass, huh?" " Frank, don't say that!" " Let me do it my way." " Are you returning this?" " Yes, we are." "It unfortunately is a piece of crap." "It's very nice." "We just would like something else." " No!" " Was there something wrong with it?" "We didn't even open it." "This is how you help?" "!" "Lying was your idea." "And why are we lying today?" "My son brought us this coffee-maker, and he means well, but we would like to change it for something we can really use." "You know, like a-- I don't know, a toaster or something?" "That's fine." "You can pick out a toaster over there." "Thank you very much." "Shalom." " We could have got both!" " Oh look, Toast Pro." "Open these boxes." " All right, all right." " Just look for Raymond's toaster." "I'm sorry." "May I help you?" "We can handle it, Jeeves." "We're just checking these." "I can assure you they're all exactly like the display model." "See, here's one where the pamphlet's a little folded." "What are you doing?" "That's not a believable complaint." "It's perfectly valid." "Can't you ever just be quiet?" "Don't you tell me to be quiet!" "I have a mind of my own, you know?" "I can contribute." "I'm not just some trophy wife!" "You're a trophy wife?" "What contest in hell did I win?" "Please." "You've opened every box." " I'm going to have to ask" " This can't be every toaster." "No, I'm sure there are more in the stockroom." " Stockroom." "Distract the workers." " What?" "Just keep yapping." "My husband is very particular about his toast." "Holy crap!" "I got this toaster for my son for Christmas yesterday, but it has some writing on it." "Oh, are you exchanging that?" "No, I wouldn't dream of exchanging it." "I got it for my son." "What sort of mother would I be?" "Well..." "I would exchange it because look at that stupid writing on it." "Oh but I love it." "The store just got the names wrong." "Could you change the names to June, Harvey..." "Bobby--"" "You see, this toaster's from my Raymond." "Look here." "Look, I'll show you." "Here he is." "Look, see." "And there's Michael and Geoffrey and Ally and-- I don't have a picture of Debra." " Just give me that toaster, please." " No, it's my son's." "But it's my son." "He needs me to have a toaster." "Security!" "Stupid stinking hump!" "Hey!" "Try a coffee machine." "Who was that?" "Ray, I think you'd better get down to Bloomingdale's." "Apparently, your parents are involved in some sort of disturbance involving destruction of property and the possible theft of a toaster." "They do care."