"to a dreadful dynasty of vicious vampire ducks." "The Counts of Duckula!" "Legend has it that these fowl beings can be destroyed... by a stake through the heart or exposure to sunlight." "This does not suffice, however... for they may be brought back to life... by means of a sacred rite... that can be performed once a century... when the moon is in the eighth house of Aquarius!" " Batswing blood." " I'll get it!" "The latest reincarnation did not run according to plan." "Ooh!" "In the heart of Transylvania" "In the Vampire Hall of Fame, yeah" "There's not a vampire zanier than" "Duckula" "He won't bite beast or man" "'Cause he's a vegetarian" "And things never run to plan for" "Duckula" "If you're lookin' for some fun" "You can always count upon" "The wild and wacky one they call" "Duckula" "Heh heh!" "Count Duckula!" "Heh heh heh!" "This is Castle Duckula... and here from inside its ghastly walls... we hear the sounds of horrible instruments of torture." "Ooh, Duckypoos, you've got a lovely touch." "Oh, you remind me of that pianist." "Now, what was his name?" "You mean Tchaikovsky, Nanny?" "No, no, no, I mean pianist, but I just can't think of his name." "I never could get those endings right." "I'm all right with the beginnings and the middles... but I just can't get those endings." "A song without an end is what I want." "Yes, I think I'll write one." "What do you think, Igor?" "Igor?" "Aah!" "Ooh!" "Ouch!" "That hurts, master." "Well, that serves you right, Igor... wearing ear plugs during one of my recitals." "Huh!" "That's almost an insult." "Ah, but what you were playing, sir, was almost music." "Yes, that's quite right, Igor." "I think." "Anyway, I'm in too good a mood to worry about you and your ear plugs." "I, Igor, have solved the mystery of the missing cheese grater." "Really, sir?" "How splendid." "Splendid, Igor, splendid?" "It's more than splendid." "Do you realize the hours of toil and sweat... that have gone into solving this mystery?" "Well, not to mention the blood." "Ah, blood?" "I told you not to mention blood, Igor." "Still, the mystery is solved." "The cheese grater has been found." "It was the werewolf who had it all the time." "Ooh, that wicked old werewolf." "Yeah, he said he used it to get a closer shave." "Do you realize we must have the only werewolf in existence... who thinks facial hair is a problem?" "Well, I think you're very clever, Duckypoos... a musician and a detective." "Oh, clever Ducky." "Ooh, who was that other clever detective?" "Oh, you mean Sherlock Holmes, Nanny?" "No, I mean detective." "Oh, if only I could think of his name." "Yes, to be a great detective you need a calculating mind... superb physique, mastery of a musical instrument... and that's it." "I've got all that." "And my own magnifying glass." "I'm a natural." "Nanny, Igor, you are looking at the world's greatest detective." "Are you sure, sir?" "I have a feeling that underneath that shabby detective's exterior... there's a shabby vampire trying to get out." "Nonsense, Igor." "Being a detective is what I was meant to be." "But it would be wrong, sir." "After all, none of your family has ever been on the right side of the law." "Hmm." "None of Napoleon's family were tyrants... but that didn't stop him getting up one day and conquering Europe." "No, Igor." "I've made up my mind." "A detective is what I want to be... and a detective is what I'm going to be... and the only place to be a proper detective is London, England." "Ah, this looks like London." "I can't see a thing." "Well, it's good to see they're keeping to tradition, sir." "But foggy London town..." "don't you feel it's a bit of a cliche, sir?" "Hmm." "It's always foggy in London." "Ooh, it's a real beef broth-er, isn't it?" "The term is, I believe, Nanny, pea souper." "Yes, well, never mind the mist." "It's the mystery we're looking for, for me to solve." "Come on." "Hey, hey!" "Hey, you, you with the big yellow nose." " Can't you read?" " Can't I read what?" "There's a sign over there says, "Keep off the grass."" "Well, it's hard to see anything in this fog." "You should have a sign up that we can see... that tells us where the other sign is." "Well, I don't know nothing about all that, mate." "All I know is that that there castle shouldn't be there." "You'll have to move it." "Ahem." "Excuse me." "Do you know who you're talking to?" "Yes, I do, mate..." "some bloke with a big yellow conk... who won't move his blooming castle." "A yellow conk?" "Excuse me, sir." "Look here, you sniveling wretch." "Have you ever had your head tweaked?" "Your arms pulled from their sockets, boiled in oil, and stuck back on again?" "Your nose removed from your face and nailed to your knee?" "Because that is precisely what will happen to you if you don't go away." "Ah, yes, yes." "Well, yes." "Well, put like that, sir, I can see your point, sir." "But if you could make sure you're out of the park by half past eight..." "Otherwise, you might be locked in for the night, sir." "It's just as I always say, Igor." "The calm voice of reason always triumphs in the end." "Right, let's get to work." "There are hundreds of crimes out there just waiting to be solved." "That's, of course, if we can find them with this fog." "Hello!" "Hello." "That's someone shouting "Hello."" "Is there anybody out there?" "Who's that?" "Who's that shouting "Who's that?"" "You know something, Igor?" "This fog has an echo with an accent." "Perhaps we should retire gracefully, sir." "Only an idiot would be out on a day like this." "Ooh, I think it's lovely." "I don't know what you're all going on about." "You see what I mean, sir?" "No, no, Igor." "If there's someone lost out there, it's part of a detective's duty to find them." "Hello!" "Where are you?" "I'm over here!" "Where are you?" "I'm over here, too!" "I've a feeling this could be a very long day." "Gee, I don't mind getting lost as long as I know where I am." "Huh?" "What?" "What's this?" "There are wampires close by someplace..." "Or could it be that this fog is really distilled essence of wampire?" "Hey, Dimitri, this fog's so thick I've lost my dog." "So, Sviatoslav, why don't you put an advertisement in the paper?" "Advertisement?" "But he can't read Dimitri." "So, how does he smell?" "Terrible." "They don't write jokes like they used to." "Hello!" "Hello!" "Oh, it's no good, Igor." "Whoever it was who was shouting has gone." "Oh, what a pity, sir." "Their identity will have to remain a mystery forever." "Why are you being such a drag, Igor?" "Is it because I said you couldn't have a bloodhound?" "It wasn't really the hound bit that I wanted, sir." "Well, stop being a pain, Igor, and let's get a move on." "There are crimes going on that have to be solved." "Shall I call you a cab, sir?" "You can call me anything you like if it makes you happy." "Oh, it's a real hansom." "It is quite nice looking." "Oh, shall we go for a ride?" "Tour of mysterious London, sir?" "Whitechapel, Baker Street, Tower of London... only a quid." "A quid?" "That's only about two thousand Transylvanian drachmas, isn't it, Igor?" "Well, what are we waiting for?" "Come on, Nanny, Igor." "Sir, don't you think it's a little suspicious?" "Come on, Igor." "At last we're free!" "After all this time we're free!" "Here, hang on." "What's that funny smell?" "Oh, that's fresh air, Arthur." "Fresh air, eh?" "Cor, it's not how I remember it." "All yellow and swirling." "No, no, Arthur, that's fog." "Fog." "Of course." "How easily we forget." "It seems like only yesterday we broke in here... to steal these here crown jewels." "Oh, it was forty-seven years ago." "Forty-seven years ago." "Well, well, well." "Of course, stealing the jewels was easy." "It's getting out that's been the problem." "Yes, they ought to provide a map." "Never mind, my dear." "We've done it." "Now we're rich." "Ha!" "We can do all the things what we ever wanted to do." "Yeah." "Um, what did we want to do, Arthur?" "I can't remember." "But now I'm rich, I can afford to buy a memory." "Come on, let's get out of this hole." "All right." "You pull, and I'll push." "No, dear, I'll pull, and you push." "Mysterious Tower of London." "Let's see what's going on here." "Excuse me, young man... could you help us find a way out of this hole?" "Well, it's not much of a mystery... not exactly a test of my deductive powers... but I guess I've got to start somewhere." "Come on then, you two." "Would you mind holding this sack?" "Mmm." "Probably their sandwiches." "Here, Igor, you hold this." "Unh!" "Uhh!" "I didn't know that old people... could be so heavy." "It's all the eating they've done over the years." "Here, sir, let me." "Nanny, you hold this." "Maybe if you were drained of blood... you would be lighter." "Oh, Mr. Igor, you're all thumbs." "Let me have a go." "Here, hold this." "A couple of little 'uns like you shouldn't be too much trouble." "Mind you don't break anything they might need, Nanny... like arms or heads." "Oh, Nanny's always careful." "Thank you." "So, this vampire fog thinks it has the better on Von Goosewing, ja?" "Well, it will be mein pleasure to prove it wrong... with mein patented super-duper fog collector." "Ah, Von Goosewing, you've done it again... you clever old mad scientist, you." "Now, hmm, where is the button... that we are pressing to start this little beauty, huh?" "Nope." "That's the button for the small explosion." "Let's hope I don't find the big explosion button." "Oh, I found it." "Oh, oh, so you're the one causing all this fog, are you?" "Oh, Mildred, look, it's Hawkeye Soames." "And his assistant Potson." "Hey, who is this Soames?" "I, sir, am Hawkeye Soames, consulting detective." "We have been on the trail of the crown jewel thieves for years." "The trail has ended here." "Aha." "You want me to assist you?" "I assure you, sir, I need no assistance." "I know who the culprit is." "Oh, how do you do it, Soames?" "I have my methods, Potson." "Well, I have my methods, too." "Hand me my magnifying glass." "And I am placing you and your manservant under arrest." "Arrest?" "What for?" "For being accomplices to the master criminal." "Who's the master criminal?" "My deductions lead me to one conclusion." "The culprit is a large one-armed hen with the expression of a stunned newt." "Probably a domestic of some sort by profession who..." "How did you deduce all that?" "Because she is standing there holding a sack of jewels." "Oh, amazing, Soames!" "But I didn't steal any jewels." "I'm too stupid." "That's right, Soames." "She is very, very, very stupid." "Oh, thank you, Mr. Igor." "I knew I could rely on you." "Here, you can have it back now." "So, you are the culprit." "Oh, ho!" "Brilliant, Soames!" "So, the butler did it, what?" "Hmm." "That sounds convincing." "You can't pin anything on me." "I wasn't there." "I was at my granny's funeral." "Give me a break." "It was my lord and master who gave me this sack." "I will give you the sack when this is over." "I was only following orders." "Igor, how can you behave like a cringing coward?" "Years of practice, sir." "Anyway this isn't my sack." "It belongs to them." "Oh, where have they gone?" "They were here a moment ago." "And who would that be, sir?" "Well, two little old people in funny hats... and they came out of a hole in the ground, and they..." "Most unconvincing, sir." "No more fairy tales, eh, sir?" "I think you'd better tiptoe this way." "Tiptoe?" "He means you'd better come quietly, sir." "Oh, thank you, Soames." "You know, this could be one great invention... if only I could get it to work." "Ah, that was very, very good." "Just give it a little more juice, und away we are going." "Yeah, I think that should hold 'em, what?" "Soames, you are making a grave mistake." "And if anyone knows about graves, it's Mr. Igor." "Do we look like gentlemen who would stoop to stealing crown jewels?" "At home in Transylvania, we have plenty of our own, don't we, sir?" "Well, I've got those nice gold-plated cufflinks... that Uncle Merganser left me." "Oh, the fog seems to be lifting, sir." "So it does, Potson, so it does." "There you see the most powerful sucker in the whole world yet... and my vacuum's pretty good, too." "I doubt if you will see Transylvania for a long stretch." "Come, Potson." "We must inform the authorities... and see that these are returned to their rightful owner." "Uh, I don't like to interfere, Soames... but weren't those the crown jewels that just went upwards?" "Gee, I've heard of thick fog, but fog with lumps is a new one." "Ah, I say, here, crown jewels come back!" "Come back, I say, or I'll be forced to come after you." "I'd like to see you try." "Well, you've got to give it to him, Igor." "He's as good as his word." "Return my assistant at once." "I think it's probably best if we were to leave, Igor." "Yes, sir, while the going's g..." "Oh, "the going's g..."?" "That doesn't make sense, Mr. Igor." "Even I know that." "Mr. Igor?" "Mr. Igor?" "Whoo-hoo!" "You know, I could swear that that fog..." "looked like a great big chicken with her arm in a sling." "Oh, Goosewing, you've been working too hard recently." "You know, Dimitri, this sort of thing is bound to put the wind up everybody." "Oh, I don't know, Sviatoslav." "I find it all very uplifting." "Oh!" "Oh, oh, OK, so, now I find out that I didn't build a stop button." "Oh, boy, if I don't do something soon, she's going to blow." "Oh!" "Perhaps I can get this stupid machinery... into some kind of backwards reverse movement." "Hey, you, down there, stop in the name of the law!" "I think he means us, Mildred." "I don't care what he means." "I want my teeth." "When I sell the jewels, I'll be able to buy you Robert Redford's teeth." "Leave it to a real detective, Soames." "Ha ha!" "I'll bring them to justice." "Cab!" "If only real life was like this." "Come on, Igor, Nanny, after them!" "Ach!" "So, something is stuck in the machinery." "What we've got to do is pull together all mein technical know-how to fix it." "Now, what we, um..." "What we..." "Ah!" "Got it!" "Ah, television." "Well, you see, it gives me ze indigestion, too." "So, hmm, it's empty." "Not even a trace of waporized wampire." "You know, when I woke up this morning, I said..." "I said..." ""Goosewing, Goosewing, it's going to be one of those days."" "Look, there they are, dead ahead." "Come on, let's get them." "All right, you villains, you're trapped." "If you don't hand over the jewels, I'll get Nanny to surround you." "Shush, Shush, Shush, young man, please." "Not during our favorite program." " I'm sorry?" " It's Duckula." "We never miss it, you know." "Pull up a bicycle and watch with us." "Oh, thank you very much." "Got any cookies?" "Why does this rotten castle have to spoil things every time?" "There I was, case solved... villains brought to justice, the jewels returned." "I was just about to become world famous, and the castle goes into return mode." "Hmm." "I could have got a medal or a knighthood." "I could have been Sir Count Duckula." "I don't like them knighthoods." "They makes your ears all itchy." "Hmm?" "What is she going on about, Igor?" "Best not to try and understand the working of her one brain cell, sir." "Well, I feel thoroughly gloomy." "And there's only one thing for it, one thing that will make me happy." "Oh, sir, really, must you?" "Please reconsider." "And so the hills are alive with the sound of musical evil." "It spreads across the whole countryside... and we leave Castle Duckula until the next time... that wretched beast Count Duckula walks abroad." "Until then, good night out there, whatever you are." "If you're feeling..." "Or you're kind of..." "Could be you've met up with" "Duckula" "If your knees go..." "And your teeth go..." "Maybe you've bumped into" "Duckula" "He flies through the night" "Looking for a bite" "But he's back home by daylight" "Duckula" "If you're sort of..." "Or you're a little..." "It's certain you've run into" "Duckula" "If your heart goes..." "Or your mind goes..." "Man, you had a brush with" "Duckula" "So watch out for the..." "Beware of the..." "And pray you'll never meet with" "Duckula" "Count Duckula"