"Oh, the fine print they put in an actor's contract these days." "Well, be that as it may, I'm Tony Randall, and I'm appearing in this motion picture with a fascinating and beautiful performer... a talented and gorgeous star with a fabulous figure..." "I beg your pardon." "There." "I think you'll agree that her figure is somewhat more interesting than mine... if you're interested in that sort of thing." "Well, we also have several other fine performers aboard... all of whom are appearing in this delightful motion picture entitled..." "The title of this delightful motion picture is..." "The Girl Can't Help It." "No." "We made that." "Well, anyway, this picture is about advertising agencies and television commercials, and it is called Gertrude, Crestview 5-41..." "Oh, no, well..." "Anyway... anyway... the picture takes place in New York City, New York, and the name of it is..." " Will Success Spoil Rock Hunter?" " Will Success Spoil Rock Hunter?" "Our slip-easy, pop-up, finger-touch ice trays." "No matter how many lushes you know, with the slip-easy, pop-up, finger-touch ice trays, you have enough ice cubes for all." "Shelton's Beer is brewed crystal clear from the streams deep in the Florida swamps." "You'll be way ahead with Shelton's Beer." "There is no head on Shelton's Beer, no foam, just beer." "Pour yourself a full glass of that heavenly brewed, clear swamp water, Shelton's Beer." "Do you want to say goodbye to dull, drab hair?" "Then use Très Chic." "After drying, just run your comb gently through your hair." "You'll see the magic, the miracle of Très Chic." "You'll see what Très Chic can do to your hair." "You have just seen the Handy Dandy Dandy electric shaver gently shave the fungus off an overripe peach." "Now watch the job it does for my stubble." "Nothing but nothing stops the Handy Dandy Dandy." "It will leave you clean-shaven in a jiffy." "Now, use the Handy Dandy Dandy." "Each little Crunchy contains energy, contains pep for your growing youngsters, builds strong legs so that when they're older, they can stand the long waits in the unemployment lines." "Listen to the energy." "It snaps, it crunches." "Remember, that's Crunchy Crispies." "Oh, hello." "I'm Jolly Jess." "By the way, do you like nuts?" "Well, if you do, don't say, "Nuts", say, "Frank's Vacuum-Packed Peanut Butter"." "It's great." "Mm, the peanuts in Frank's Vacuum-Packed..." "Wow contains fallout, the exclusive, patented ingredient." "Wow is gentle to your hands." "It may be rough on your fingernails, but, with a clean kitchen, you won't have to scratch yourself." "Wow!" "Wow is the wowest..." "Rambunctious Ruben is open day and night." "Rambunctious Ruben has the bargains." "Take the car away and drive it off the lot." "No money down, no collateral." "Just leave your wife with Rambunctious Ruben." "If you're like me, with six dirty children and a big, filthy husband, then you can imagine how important an Easy Clean washing machine can be." "It not only easy-cleans those dirty, filthy clothes, but it's so gentle on each garment, so gentle that it makes washday a day to remember." "You won't forget washday if you use the Easy Clean washing machine." "This is me again, Rockwell P Hunter, and that's Madison Avenue away down there." "That's my street, my street of grey-flannel dreams." "I'm employed on Madison Avenue in an advertising agency away up here in the offices of La Salle Jr, Raskin, Pooley  Crocket, or as we say, LSJ, R, P  C." "I'm a writer, an author of TV commercials." "This is my office and that's a photograph of my niece, April Hunter." "April is a teenager and she lives with me." "That's my secretary, Jenny Wells." "Jenny is not a teenager and doesn't live with me, but she will when I can afford it." "Jenny and I fell in love one night last year, that night we were supposed to be working overtime." "That's my immediate superior, Henry Rufus, a vice president of LSJ, R, P  C, and the accountant executive of Stay-Put Lipstick, our most important client." "Rufe is a big success." "He has a key to the executive washroom." "But the largest success of all is Junior." "Mr La Salle Junior." "He's president of La Salle Jr, Raskin, Pooley  Crocket." "He has his own washroom." "He's been written up in Fortune, profiled in the New Yorker, had his picture on the cover of Time, and he is a personal friend of Elsa Maxwell." "Good morning, Mr La Salle." "Yes, Mr Rufus, I called." "He's on his way." "Hi, Gladys." "Mr Rufus wanted to see me." "Go in, Mr Hunter." "But watch out, he's probably on his fourth tranquiliser by now." "Hi, Rufe." "Must be your fifth tranquiliser by now." "Did Gladys also tell you I drank my lunch?" "She forgets I eat the olives." "That's where the nourishment is." "Gladys talks too much." "I ought to get rid of her, but she has it on me since I got juiced up at that party and made a couple of passes at her IBM machine." "I finished the new cartoon commercial." "I think you'll like it." "It's to be sung by three chickens, to "Old MacDonald had a Farm"." "Goes like this:" "Stay-Put Lipstick stays put, put Stay-Put, Stay-Put..." "No." "That's "Yankee Doodle"." "Stay-Put Lipstick stays put, put Stay-Put, Stay-Put, Stay-Put" "If on your lips you'll only put Stay-Put, Stay-Put, Stay-Put" "Kiss-kiss here, kiss-kiss there, here, there, everywhere" "Stay-Put Lipstick stays put, put Stay-Put, Stay-Put, Stay-Put" "You have to imagine it sung by three chickens, Rufe." "Singing commercials are dead, Rocky boy." "The surveys show the jingles become hits, but the product doesn't sell." " Rocky, I've got some bad news." " Bad news?" "Concerns both of us." "Better have a bracer." "I can take it straight." "So can I." "This is all gin." "Well... it seems the Stay-Put account may pull out." "This whole joint may foldy." "You and I are slated for the chute." "Well, that's how the ball bounces." "Wow." "Oh, boy." "Gee, I was counting on a raise pretty soon." "Be my guest." "Numby wumbies on the house." "What's the matter, Rocky boy?" "No kopecks put aside?" "No, not a kopeck." "It takes a lot of money to raise a teenager properly." "I know." "My Evelyn - she was a normal juvenile delinquent until she got a breakdown." "Rock'n'roll got to her." "Now I take her to the analyst three times a week." "The bills!" "The man must be building a monument to Freud." "But that's the way the banana splits." "Don't worry, laddie, we'll get other jobbies." "I will, anyway." "I got no talent." "Bit tougher for you." "But you'll probably get your old job back." "On the Fan magazine?" "You did some good writing there, boy." "Mostly I just edited the Fan news column." "The only big star I ever got to interview was..." "Bobo Brannigansky, the TV Jungle Man." "It was a pretty good article, though." "I called it "How Bobo Overcame Jungle Rot"." " It was pretty well-received." " That's what I mean." "You can write." "You could always write TV scripts, you know, expand the one-line joke into the hour-and-a-half spectacular." "Time for another conference." "Rocky, remember to keep this hushied." "Junior doesn't want this known, but I couldn't let you get pink-slipped without notice." "Thanks an awful lot, Rufe." " I'll be in Junior's office." " Yes, dear... sir." "We need a big idea and fast." "If you come up with anything, let me know in the a.m." "We're having a showdown with the client." " There's a chance to save the account?" " I've a couple of ideas." "If you come up with the right slant, your problem can be solved." "It can mean a vice-presidency for you." "Excuse me." "And until next week we say goodbye to Bobo Brannigansky, your friendly Jungle Man and star of the first adult monkey-series, brought to you by Flake-Off, the friendly skin-peel." "And now for the news." "We take you first to Hollywood, where movie fans are agog over the recent movements of Rita Marlowe." "Mystery surrounds the departure of the cinema queen from the cinema capital." "Mystery?" "I'm just going to New York with my secretary to rest in seclusion." " "Seclusion" - is that right?" " Yes." "Means you want to be alone." " Seclusion sounds so dirty." " Well, it isn't." "So that's it." "I just want to be alone." "So what's the mystery?" "I'm just a perfectly normal American girl." "This is your opportunity to make Junior sit up and take notice of you." "I'd like to get a great idea and go by him in the hall, and give him a taste of that grey-flannel sneer." " Come on." " I'll never be a success." "And remember, if you don't get an idea, you're still a big success with me." "Am I?" "Darling, please." "April may come out and see us." "That's all right." "You're gonna be her aunt someday soon." "You're not treating me like an aunt." "I don't feel exactly like an uncle." "All right, but easy." "My insurance doesn't cover hallways." "Lost my touch." "I'm cracking." "I miss 'em already." "All those little Hollywood incinerators puffing away, making that nice black smog that covers up the freeway accidents." "I'm sorry, Vi." "I just had to get away." "If you wanted seclusion, I could've drained the swimming pool." "Why New York?" "So I can form my own production company." " Do you expect me to believe that?" " All right." "I wanted to get away from Bobo." "I'll show him he can't walk out on me." "Bobo didn't walk out on you." "He just left the table to make a phone call and was too loaded to find his way back." "He wasn't too loaded to turn up at Ciro's with another bleached blonde." "Another blonde." "After all I did for him." "What was Bobo when I met him?" "A Cucamonga grape picker." "Even his feet were blue." "I remember." "You thought he never took his socks off." "Remember who introduced him to the right people?" "Who gave party after party for him?" " Who built him into the big star he is today?" " Do you want everyone to know?" "You're Hollywood's femme fatale." "No man walks out on you." "Even if they do." "Oh, we're here!" "OK, honey, breakfast is ready." "April." "April, do you hear me?" "And now our special-events camera takes you to Idlewild Airport." "April, where are you?" " Here I am!" "Here I am!" " Where?" "Down here, Miss Marlowe!" "April Hunter, president of the East 73rd Street chapter of your fan club." "April!" " May I have your autograph?" " What's new on your romance with Bobo?" "I have no romance." "All my lovers and I are just friends." " Where are you staying?" " In seclusion." "She's incorporating herself." "Don't talk dirty on TV." "It's a family medium." "Thank you, President Huntley." " Hunter." " Hunter." "I've seen all your pictures." "And I'm going again to see The Girl Can't Help It." "Courageous youngster." "Information, may I have the number of Idlewild Airport?" "Bye, Miss Marlowe." " Thanks for the autograph." " Oh, you're welcome." "Bye!" "Bye." "April Hunter, you're wanted at the TWA information counter, please." "April Hunter, you're wanted at the TWA information counter, please." "I'm April Hunter." "Thank you." " Hello." " Hello." "Uncle Rockwell?" "How did you know I was here?" "I was on TV?" "How'd I look?" "Like six months of no allowance." "Uncle Rockwell, I had to see her." "And you know what?" "She's in seclusion." "She wouldn't tell the reporters, but I heard her give the address..." "I don't care about the address." "You go to school." "OK, Uncle Rockwell." "Bye." "That was the arrival of Rita Marlowe, Hollywood's goddess of love, the girl with those oh-so-kissable lips." "Soon to be seen with Cary Grant in Kiss Them for Me." "Now for our early-morning wake-up show, sponsored by the Last Chance Mortuary." " Rock?" " I'm in here, honey." "In April's bedroom." "Well, how did you do last night?" "What are you doing?" " Did I get an idea!" "I got Rita Marlowe." " Rita Marlowe?" "I don't know why I didn't think of it." "We get Rita Marlowe to endorse Stay-Put Lipstick." "It'll sell like crazy." "Listen, honey." "When I edited the Fan news column, all the fans wanted to know about was Rita Marlowe." "I ask you, what is Rita Marlowe famous for?" " Next question." " Stop that." "No." "She's the girl with the oh-so-kissable lips." "You've seen that in all her publicity." "We're in." "I'll rough out a couple of layouts." "Go ahead so you won't be late." "I'll see you later." "As you know, this agency had the foresight to pioneer the singing commercial, and in so doing, raised the level of musical culture in the American home." "Now we must embark on another far-sighted, long-range vision." "Gentlemen, I suggest we sell the Stay-Put Corporation on putting out a new line of lipsticks in all popular flavours." "Scotch, bourbon, gin..." "I can see the ads - "Stay-Put vodka for the girl who leaves you breathless."" ""Stay-Put martini for that after-five romance." "Stay-Put Manischewitz for that..."" "Haven't you another vision, Mr Rufus?" "Perhaps not so long-ranged?" "Well, yes, LS, I do." "This idea is to start kids using Stay-Put at an early age." "You see, gentlemen, as a parent, I know from experience that all teenagers are kiss-happy." " My Evelyn, for instance..." " To the point, Mr Rufus, to the point." "Well, I propose that Stay-Put sponsor a teenage kissing contest, hold semifinals across the country, fly the best smoochers to New York for the finals, make it a colour spectacular, get Lawrence Welk to do the music." "We have the kids kiss their way to the first plateau and then put them in the osculation booth." "Mr Rufus, do you realise that Mr Ezzarus, president of the Stay-Put Corporation, will come through that door..." "I've got to see him." "Rufe, Rufe." "I want to see you." " I told him not to disturb you." " Listen..." " Will you get out?" " Get out?" "But..." " Better go." " You haven't seen this." " Better go, Rocky." "I'll see you later." " I got a job at stake here, Rufe." "Mr La Salle, I was up all night trying to come up with something to keep you from losing the Stay-Put account, and finally I think I've got it." " It's really a natural, Mr La Salle." " Losing the Stay-Put account?" "Where did you hear that?" "The meeting is adjourned, gentlemen, with the exception of Mr Rufus." " Please look at this, Mr La Salle." " Better go." "Don't make any more trouble." "I'm not making trouble, I'm trying to get us out of trouble." "I beat my brains out last night, Mr La Salle, and on my own time." "It didn't cost you a kopeck." "The least you can do..." "Stop by the cashier on your way out." "And I'd like to see you in 15 minutes." "You know, Mr La Salle, for years I looked up to you." "I hoped you'd notice me." "You were my idol." "I regarded you as a big man, but you're not a big man." "You're just a little poop of a man." "And that's the way the poop poops." "So long, Junior." "Excuse me!" "I'm sorry." "You all right, sir?" "No harm done." "What happened, honey?" " What happened?" " I got bounced!" "And that's how the ball bounces." " Junior didn't like the idea?" " The poop!" "The poop didn't even look at it." " The poop." " Oh, the poop." "Vice-presidency, success..." "Oh, boy." "I told you before, I'll tell you again, you're wasting your time." " I'll never be anything." " Now, don't talk like that." " It's true." "You see these pipes?" " Why don't you smoke one and relax?" "You didn't know I had these pipes hidden away in my drawer, did you?" " What does it matter?" " What does it matter?" "I'll tell you what it matters." "I bought these before you came with me." "I decided on a pipe." "This was after sincere ties got that insincere look, but before grey flannel took over." "I thought a pipe would give me a successful, Gregory Peck look." "Gregory Peck?" "Darling, you're not making any sense." "You know something?" "You're right." "I couldn't even keep the darn thing lit." "I met a psychiatrist at a party once and he told me that my pipe smoking revealed my psychic tensions." "Half of me wanted success, while the other half wanted failure." "I couldn't make up my mind whether to inhale or exhale." "That's why my pipe would go out." "And he was right." "I couldn't keep my pipe lit, and now I'm out." "When you're finished, I'll wait around the corner." "Around the corner?" "Rock, darling, please..." " Now, don't drink too much." " No, not too much." "Just enough." " Are you sure he's here?" " He must be at the usual table." "Rita Marlowe stays put, put, put" " He must have left." "Come on." " No, no." "I think I hear him." "Put, put, put, put, put, put" "Oh, Rock." "Don't nag him." "He's a genius." "Besides, the acoustics are probably better down there." "Help me get the genius out." "Here we go." "Keep quiet, genius." "Junior is a big success" "Success." "Mr Rufus said the man you bumped into is Mr Ezzarus, president of Stay-Put." "He saw your layouts and loved the idea of using Rita Marlowe." "He told Junior that if he could deliver Rita Marlowe, the Stay-Put account could stay put with the agency." "Mr Rufus said Junior's been trying to locate Miss Marlowe all day." "He can't find her." "She's hiding out." "Even the Pinkertons he's hired can't find her." "Mr Rufus said that if you know where she is you'll get two vice-presidencies and maybe even a raise." "Do you hear me, Rock?" "April, my little Pinkerton..." "April." "April." "April." "Rock." ""Uncle Rockwell, gone to the movies." "Your dinner's in the oven." "Love, April."" "You have dinner." "I'll get that endorsement, if what's left of my head holds out." " April." " What are you doing here?" "Listen, remember this morning you said you knew where Rita Marlowe was hiding out?" " That's a secret." " Tell me." "It could mean a vice-presidency." "Vice president?" "You've been drinking." "You eat some popcorn and you'll feel better." "I'm OK, honey." "You just tell me what Rita's address is." "Did you say something about my allowance?" " I said it was doubled." " I think the address is..." " All right, tripled." " No, no, it must be..." "Oh, come on, Ap." "Name your own figure." " She's at the Knickerbocker Towers." " Bandit." "Three bags of popcorn." "If you'd just close your big mouth and let me slip a word in sidewise, I'd explain it to you." "I know you're busy shooting retakes, Bobo, sweetie, but I had to call you and tell you I couldn't care less, that's it's simply divoon being away from you." "Easy!" "Not so hard." "What?" "What do you mean, who's here?" "Oh, well, of course it isn't Vi." "Silly." "Why do you suppose I came to New York?" " He's burning." "Vi, talk like a man." " What for?" "So Bobo will think there's a man here." "I may look like a man, but I don't sound like a man." "He's a very influential New Yorker." "Right now he's completely engrossed unpopping the champagne." "Vi, if that's the bellboy, bring him in." "I'll have him talk to Bobo." " How you doing?" "I'm Rockwell Hunter." " Come in, Rockwell." "I came to see Miss Marlowe." "We hardly want overheated champagne." "It's room temperature now, but the room temperature's changing." "If you get my cruder meaning." "Him!" "Why, he's not even a bellboy." "Never mind the uniforms." "You just want the voice." "Speak, boy." " Miss Marlowe, I'm Rockwell Hunter." " Rockwell Hunter." "His name sounds very influential." "His name only so happens to be Rockwell Hunter." "What do you do?" "I work for La Salle Jr, Raskin..." "Pooley  Crocket." "The advertising agency?" "All those names - how crazy influential." "He's only the great big influential advertising man." "That's all he is." "What do you do there?" " I write TV commercials." " TV commercials?" "Oh, no, no." "Oh, I could never go for a guy who did that." "Could I?" "Only kind you've missed." "Better think of something else." "What?" "Yes, I told you, sweetie." "He's Rock Huntley of La Salt, Ratskin, Dooley  Crumpet." " What's a betterjob at that crazy place?" " Well, vice president is considerably better." "Never mention vice." "Those confidence magazines always get on your back." "I know, you're president." "He's only the president of the agency, sweetie." "Miss Marlowe, I'm not president." "I just write TV commercials." "Oh, Rock Huntington." "I know I'm oh-so-kissable, but why don't you pour the champagne first, Lover Doll?" "It's Hunter, not Huntington." "How can I remember?" "I'm all excited because you're loving me up." " The "Lover Doll" did it." "He's winging." " So am I." "I'll be back." "I'm going for a little bit more steam." "I think my head still needs reblocking." "No." "You can't leave." "Wait a minute." "Stay here." "You've got to say something so he knows that I have a man in here." "Come on." "Come on." "Please." "I'll do you a favour sometime." "Oh, as a matter of fact, I did want to talk to you about getting your endorsement..." "Now, don't start talking dirty." "You can always tell a writer." "Go on." "Her word's good, for an actress." "Hello, there, sweetie." "This is Rockwell P Hunter, Lover Doll, and also president of LSJ, R, P  C." "Spencer Tracy couldn't have done it better." " Thank you very much, Miss Marlowe." " You're the end, Dolly." "Go ahead." "Tell him we're in business together." "Pour it on." "That's crazy." "Yes, sweetie." "I'm also president of Rita Marlowe Productions Incorporated Limited, sweetie." "That'll kill him, but don't leave me out." "I have to be important in my own incorporated." "Sorry." "I seem to have omitted your screen credit." "Lingo of the trade." "Yes, sweetie." "I'm president of Rita Marlowe Productions Incorporated, but Miss Marlowe is the titular head of the company." "You're hurting me." "But the big news today is from Hollywood, and the report that TV star Bobo Brannigansky, the Jungle Man, and Rita Marlowe, cinema queen, have broken up." "Bobo, interviewed in a Hollywood jungle after a long-distance conversation with Rita, had this to say to our Hollywood reporter, Dick Whittinghill." "This is Dick Whittinghill in Hollywood." "We're in a television jungle and we're going to interview Bobo Brannigansky, Jungle Man." " Bobo." " Yes." "Bobo, what did Rita tell you about her new boyfriend?" "Well, she calls him her "Lover Doll"." "I don't mind that, but, you see, if she'd fallen for royalty, a duke or an earl, even a prince, it wouldn't have been so bad." "But a huckster!" "I get cold sweats thinking about it." "My makeup won't stay on." "Even my hairpiece is coming loose." " Oh, so Rita told you who Lover Doll is?" " Yeah." "President of one of those advertising places with all the names like they can't make up their minds." "Name's Hunter." "Rockwell Hunter." "Uncle Rockwell and Rita Marlowe?" "Oh, no." "Gotta be another Rockwell Hunter." "Bye-bye, Evelyn." "Be a good girl at the psychiatrist's." "Daddy, I just heard on the car radio, Rita Marlowe's in love with Rock Hunter!" "Wait there." "I'll go with you." "According to Bobo Brannigansky, Rita's new flame is the advertising executive, Rockwell Hunter, president of La Salle Jr, Raskin, Pooley  Crocket." "I'm not worried about Rita and Lover Doll." "You just watch." "Rita will come crawling back to me on her hands and knees." "Well, back to retakes." "Thank you, Bobo Brannigansky." "So long, folks." "On my hands and knees!" "Did you hear that?" "The ingrate." "It's your own fault." "You spoil all those creeps you pick up." " I picked him up, I can pick him down." " Where are you going?" "When I finish with him, his hair will be so loose, he'll be in the road company of The King and I." "Where is Dolly Doll?" "Uncle Rockwell's asleep." "He must have come in late last night." "I know." "We're on the gravy choo-choo, chickie." "Your unckie and Rita Marlowe are an item." " You mean what I heard on TV..." " It's front page, except for the Times." "Yesterday an autograph, today an aunt." "Now do you believe me?" "You are the biggest thing since chlorophyll." " What do they want out there?" " To see Rita Marlowe's new heartbeat." "I don't have a decent corpuscle left." "I told you what happened." "Hello." "Oh, yes, Miss Parsons." "Just a minute." "Louella wants the exclusive on your marriage plans." "Jenny's my exclusive." "Miss Marlowe hasn't set the datey date, but you'll be the first to know, Lolly." "Jenny." "What's she gonna think when she reads all this nonsense?" "She will understand." "Now, what really happened, hm?" "Nothing." "Rita just used me to make her Jungle Man jealous." "That's all there was to it." "I went along with it to get the endorsement." "Hello." "Oh, hiya, Earl." "Earl Wilson." "I'll ask him." "He wants to know Rita's measurements." " How would I know?" " He doesn't know." "It was dark." "OK, Earl." "He'll appreciate that." "He's sending you a tape measure." "What are you doing?" "You should be in school." "Have my future aunt come to a dirty house?" "She's not your future aunt." "Your future aunt lives upstairs." " Uncle Rockwell, it's biology." "Don't fight it." " You get rolling and you go to school." "My own niece is cracking." " Did you get the endorsement?" " No, but she promised." "I left there, I came home, I had a couple of nightcaps and I went to bed." "Woke up with Rita Marlowe in the palm of your hand." ""Palm of my hand." You haven't seen her." "Don't be shy, laddie." "Let success go to your head." "Success?" "How am I a success?" "A TV Jungle Man shoots off his mouth under a prop banyan tree and I'm a success?" "I'm the same failure I've always been." "I don't have the talent to keep my pipe lit." "We're not talking about talent." "If talent had anything to do with it, Brooks Brothers would go out of business," "TV studios would be turned into supermarkets." "We are talking about success - a world where fancy foreign cars replace subways and bus transfers, where all women are beautiful and willing." "A world created, designed and running like a charm for those few who've scaled the heights, broken through the soundy barrier, invariably by being at the right place at the right time, when success, like a crock of cherries," "comes crashing down on the head of fortune's child, as it did on yours." "There she was, an actress, fresh from the shores of Romanoff's." "There were you, fresh from the steam baths, standing on the threshold, the veritable threshold of success." "I rest my case, and may it be Napoleon brandy." "Now what?" "It's a good thing April cleaned the house." "Oh, no." "There's that fancy foreign car, and does she look willing." "Oh, look at this." " I gotta go upstairs to Jenny." " Wait." "Tell her later." "She'll understand." "She just hit me with her prize geranium." "I'll explain everything to her." "What's Rita saying?" " Turn on the TV." " Which station?" "Any station." "It's like when the president speaks." "Oh, yes." "You might say that with me and Lover Doll it was love at first sight." ""Love at first sight"?" "She's a nut." "This could be happening to an unknown bellboy." "Well, it's happening to you." "Listen." "Doll just looked at me and suddenly my heart went pop... like a girdle does when you walk fast, but I wouldn't know because I never wear one." "You girdle-popper, you." "She's lying, she's lying." "She was under a sheet when I first saw her." "Bobo was all right, except he always had the smell of his leading ladies on him." "They're monkeys, you know." "So naturally I became interested in the intellectual type who uses that crazy soap." " She's coming up here." " You can get her endorsement." "You get her endorsement." "I'm going upstairs to Jenny." ""Girdle pops", "Lover Doll", "crazy soap"." "She's made an idiot out of me." "The perfect qualification." "You'll end up president of the agency." "I'm so excited, I don't know which dress to wear." "Uncle Rockwell, you must be loaded with biology." "I'm loaded with dirt." " Think of her face if you blow it." " I'm thinking of those geraniums." "Get the endorsement." "Let Junior get his own signature." "He was too big a man to notice me." "Now all of a sudden why sh..." "Hello." "Good morning, LS." "Junior." " Yes, LS, he's right here." " Junior?" "Mr La Salle Junior?" "Calling me?" "Tell Junior to call later." "I'm busy." "I can't do that." "He knows you're here." "Rufus, if you're going to be a success, be a success." "Success, here I come." "Good morning, Dolly." "Hiya, baby." "He's busy, LS." "Really busy." "She wears a girdle." "I'm terribly confused, Miss Marlowe." "There's nothing to be confused about." "It's simple." "Simple?" "I don't even know where I am or what I'm doing here or where we're going." "All right, I'll explain." "Point one." "You want me to sign your crazy lipstick thing, don't you?" "Yes." "That's how this whole thing started." "All right." "Point two." "I didn't expect Bobo to shoot off his mouth to the reporters." "But he did make us headlines all over the country." "That publicity you can't buy." "The studio even called me and told me to keep it up." "They said it was good for my next picture, a Russian drama about two Russian brothers." "The studio figured the publicity would do me and the picture some good." "You'll get your endorsement then everybody will be happy." "Simple, huh?" " Then you will sign the endorsement?" " Well, of course." "Any time you say." " Well, is it a deal?" " Oh, it's a deal." "I told you it was simple." "You do something for me, I do something for you." "She agreed?" "Great." "I'll draw up the contract." "I knew you'd come through." "A Harvard man never fails." "How much did you agree to pay?" "We didn't talk money." "She just agreed to do this for me, and I'd do something for her." "What?" "No, she didn't mean that." "What kind of mind have you got?" "No, that isn't the way the banana splits." "She just meant that she'd scratch my back if I'd scratch hers." "We appreciate what you're doing for the agency." "Oh, forget it." "Now all we have to do is to make you into a great lover." "Great what?" "At least, you're going to have to look like a great lover so I'll look good." "Would I pick on someone who wasn't the greatest?" "Oh, I wouldn't think so, not with those measurements." "But you did." "Don't sell yourself short, Dolly." "You know your way around a kiss." "Sorry about that." "I don't know why it happened." "Everything was happening so fast." "Something snapped." "Something snapped?" "You snapped, and you're not a bad snapper, Dolly." "I know." "I've probably been snapped at more than any girl in history, except that Communist queen." " Catherine the Great?" " Yes, yes, her." "Well, she wasn't a Communist." "She was a tsarina." "I don't care what was wrong with her." "She never had some dopey director making her retake and retake her kissing scenes." "Why, at the end of a day's work at the studio, I don't have a decent pucker left." "All I can do at night is sit and watch my old movies on television." "So when it comes to kissing, I know." "But you're not so bad, snapper." "Well, thank you very much, Miss Marlowe." "Probably your first time in the big leagues too, hm?" "Yes." "I guess up to now I've just been a bush leaguer." "OK." "Here we are." "Hey, this is a justice of the peace." "I know." "Wait a minute." "People get married in here." "Endorsement or no endorsement..." "Don't be silly." "In my racket, you get married and your fan mail takes a dive." " Unless you're Debbie and Eddie." " I warn you, I can't sing." "Don't look now, but there are photographers all around the place." "Photographers?" "What for?" "The publicity department got them here." "It's all fixed." "Don't worry." "You'll look great in the newspapers." "This is the first part of your Lover Doll build-up." "Lover Doll." "No, she's taking a bath." "OK, Muscles, I'll tell her." "Bye." "I've got to give it to you, honey, those headlines did it." "Bobo says he's awfully sorry." "That blonde didn't mean a thing." "In fact, she was a brunette." "When do we leave?" "Leave?" "And walk out on all this publicity?" "Publicity?" "You can get all of that you want in Hollywood." "Oh, hold the phone." "This is Vi you're talking to." "Don't tell me you've gone and flipped for Rock." "Well, I'll be a writer's subplot, you have." "Vi, I know it all started out to be a stunt to burn Bobo, but Rocky kissed me and then... something happened." "Honest, it was just like electricity." "I know, that wonderful AC-DC feeling, but that is not love." " Oh, it's close enough." " Listen to me." "You must stop going overboard for every man who makes you tingle." "First there was that English actor who wore the sunglass monocle, and then the Academy Award winner who had you polishing his Oscar." "I can't think of the others..." "and then there was Bobo and then Rocky." "And all because you can't forget George Schmidlapp." "What you need is a psychiatrist or a do-it-yourself couch." "I told you never to mention George Schmidlapp." "I've been quiet long enough." "His name is George Schmidlapp." "He's the actor who awarded you first prize in the Miss Florida Grapefruit Contest, and he's the one you can't forget." "So why do you pick up with these schnooks?" "Always trying to turn them into unreasonable facsimiles of George." "Don't you see you can never fall in love again like that?" "You don't know what you're talking about." "What do you know about love, anyway?" "What do I know about love?" "Well, this may come as a shock, but I was young and pretty once, like you, and equipped with just as many extras." "And I was nuts about a guy." "I was working for a silent screen actress then, and this guy I was nuts about was our milkman." "I'd get a throat full of heart every a.m." "When he'd drive up to our back door on Copa de Oro in Bel-Air." "The sound of the milk bottles rattling and little cream bottles jiggling." "Boy, it was something." "But he couldn't see me for dust." "Stardust he saw." "He had the pains for the girl I was working for." "She must have liked his brand of cream, because they got married." "And he became the producer of all her pictures till the talkies came in." "She couldn't speak English, being from Texas, so the first talkie was a flop and he left her." "Do you know something?" "To this day, sometimes when I'm asleep" "I still hear those little milk bottles rattling and jiggling." "So, you see, honey, I know something about love." "Not much, but a little." "So, if anyone asks you why I hate milk, you know." "Vi!" "Vi!" "Vi." "Oh, Vi." "Oh, Vi." "I'm awfully sorry, Vi." "I didn't know." "I never told anybody before." "Never." "But, you see, that makes us both alike." "We both have someone we want to forget." "I have Georgie and, well, you have the milkman." "So what's wrong with trying to find someone to help you forget?" "I tried that once, but it got so bad" "I'd go to pieces every time I saw a bottle of half-and-half." "And I went to a psychiatrist." "I was gonna do that, except in Hollywood they're so busy with producers, you can't even get an appointment." "But it didn't work out." "The psychiatrist I went to had a couch, but it was built for two." "Well, honey, here's luck to you." "Maybe Rocky can make you forget." "As for me, here's to forgetting the high-caloric way." " Mr Hunter." " Yes, Pat?" " Could I have your autograph?" " Sure." "On my blouse." " There you are." " Thank you, Mr Hunter." "You're welcome." "Good afternoon, Mr Hunter." "23," "24..." " Yes?" " Jenny." "It's me, Rockwell." "Just a minute." "Come in, dear." ""Dear"?" " Is everything all right, Jenny?" " Yes, of course." "Mr Rufus explained everything." "I'm sorry I behaved so badly this morning." "You do understand that that's the only way I could get Rita's endorsement?" "Of course." "When I first heard the news, my first reaction was completely feminine." "I was hurt, jealous." "Impulsively, I wanted to return your ring." "Oh, Jenny, you wouldn't do that?" " No." "After some deliberation, I decided not to." " Oh, good." "I reached the conclusion that, after all, you are a very attractive man." "Well, I wouldn't say that." " You are, dear." " Thank you." "And that actress is a very glamorous woman." "It would be natural that you could become attracted to her." "But I'm not attracted to her." "The whole thing's publicity." "I'm going to get her signature on her contract..." "Nevertheless, the situation made me take stock of myself, evaluate my assets and liabilities." "Honey, I love your assets and liabilities." " Please, Rock, let me finish." " Sorry." "I realise that when I went to college I made a great mistake just developing my mind." "A woman must compete for her man, and she should stay on her toes." "For instance, to start at the top, would you like me to change the colour of my hair?" "No." "I love your hair just as it is." " I can get it the same colour as hers." " No!" " I can go to the drugstore she does." " Keep your hair just the way it is." " I just want you to be satisfied." " I'm satisfied with you." "Now, my figure." "You can't be satisfied with that." "Of course, that will take time." "But if you invest two dollars in a marriage licence, you should get your money's worth." "25..." " What are you doing?" " Push-ups." " Jenny, listen to me." "I love you." " You'll love me more. 28." "I couldn't love you any more than I do." "Sure you will." "There'll be more of me. 29... 30, 31..." "Beat it, kids." "Lover Doll isn't here." "On your way." " He's gotta be with Rita." " He's not." " Have you seen him in person?" " He's not here." " Have you seen him in person?" " He must be something." "Lover Doll isn't here." "Come on." "There he is!" "Lover Doll!" " Lover Doll!" " Lover Doll!" "Man, you..." " Where did he go?" " Who are you looking for?" " Lover Doll." " Lover Doll?" "Lover Doll." "Is Lover Doll around here?" " We didn't see him." " Lover Doll." "Hey, who's that?" "It's him!" "It's Lover Doll!" "Oh, Lover Doll!" "Lover Doll!" "Lover Doll!" "Lover Doll!" "Lover Doll!" "Did you ever in your life see anything like this?" "It seems years ago, it was only yesterday, only yesterday," "I was an ordinary guy wearing a cheap, grey-flannel suit." "Today, today I'm mobbed." "A piece of my lapel, a piece of shirt-tail, a shoe that needs half-soling - these are collector's items." "And yet you laugh." "You know, these kids are insane." "I don't have sideburns." "Would you believe it?" "Before I came over here, Bennett Cerf called me up." "Wants to do a book on me entitled Always Leave Them Loving." "A king-size bed manufacturer wants me to endorse his king-size special." ""It takes the guesswork out of sleeping." Ed Murrow wants to Person to Person me." "A Hollywood producer wants me to remake Love Me Tender, with me playing all the parts." "Imagine me as Debra Paget?" "I'm in a crazy world, all because I..." "You were at the right door at the wrong time." "Sit down, Rocky." " What you need is a drink." " And how." "Maybe two drinks." "What'll it be?" " Something simple." "A bottle and a straw." " You'll get used to being a celebrity." "I've been secretary, companion, confidante and chief bottle snatcher to glamour queens since the nickelodeon days." "Fame hits hard at first, but you'll get so you love it... or wind up at Menninger's." "And believe it or not, Rocky, you'll miss it when it ends." "Oh, no, no, no, not me." "This is a business deal." "What's taking her so long?" "She's dressing." "What's your hurry?" "I have to get home... before a friend of mine wears herself out or ends up with short arms." " Good evening, Rockwell." " Evening, Miss Marlowe." "Please forgive my appearance." "I ran into the future mothers of America." "Oh, what a shame." " Vi, haven't we something for Dolly to wear?" " Never mind." "Sign the contract and I'll go in a hearse." "No one will see me." "We have one of Bobo's suits." "We left the coast in such a hurry, we packed it with our things." "Oh, no." "I interviewed Bobo once." "His suit would hardly fit me." "Oh, you see, you're catching a cold." "Why don't we let the baby dress in Mommy's bedroom?" "Come, Rocky." "You're making the same mistake." "You'll build him up and he'll leave you like the others." "He can't." "He needs that endorsement." "Go take Shamroy for a walk and stay out late." "Go see a double feature." "OK, but we're not going to see any of your pictures." " Miss Marlowe?" " Oh, yes, Lover Doll." "I'm waiting for you, Dolly-pooh." " Where are you?" " Right here, Dolly." " The suit is a little large." " You think so?" "It's the pants, mostly." "The shoulders are all right." "Sit down here." "I want to show you how you have to act when we go out." "I think Bobo must be a pituitary case." "Well, now, how do I have to act when we go out?" "We should be very romantic, like Bill Holden and Jennifer Jones were in Love Is a Many Splendored Thing." "I saw the picture, Miss Marlowe, and I am by no stretch of the imagination Bill Holden." "But then where did you learn to use your lips the way you do?" "I don't know." "It might be hereditary." "My mother is an accomplished musician." "Tuba, trombone, bassoon, oboe." "Brass and woodwinds." "Well, now, to be a great lover, you must start with a lady's hand." " Take my hand, Dolly." " I will, as soon as I can find mine." "There we are." "That's fine." "That's just fine." "Now, when the photographers are ready to take our picture, you must kiss my hand and work your way up my arm." "Up?" "How far up?" "Well, as far as you can go, silly." "No!" "No, no, no, Dolly." "When you get to my shoulder you have to kiss me on the lips." "No, I..." "I don't think I'm a lover, Miss Marlowe, great or otherwise." "We don't look good together." "I'm too short." "You should have a taller man." "When we stand side by side, my chin comes to your shoulders." "Don't you worry." "You're gonna be a lot taller." "I had them send a pair over this afternoon." " A pair of what?" " Oh, you'll see." "A lot of actors and small producers on the coast wear them." "You're divoon." "You're just like John Wayne." "Go ahead." "Try them." "Walk an itty bit." "Oh, that's fine." "I'll get the hang of them, all right... if my nose doesn't start to bleed." "Dolly Doll, don't run away from Mama." "Dolly!" "Now, Dolly, where are you going?" "Jenny?" "Jenny!" "Jenny!" "Jenny!" "Jenny!" "Jenny!" "Oh!" "Jenny!" "Oh, Jenny, darling, what have you done?" "Jenny." "Operator, please get me Dr Cloes on East 74th Street." "How is she, Doctor?" "She's exhausted, Rocky." "Physically exhausted." "What's she been doing to herself?" "Why, she's been exercising." "You know, doing push-ups." "Oh." "I've had a number of cases like that lately." "It's a waste of time, if you know what I mean." "I think so." "Can I see her?" "Well, she's asleep, but you can look in." " Doctor, her arms, they're..." " Merely tightened muscles." "Reflex action brought on by the exercising, sort of a high charley-horse." "They'll come down." "She'll be all right tomorrow." "Push-ups are a waste of time." "It's really better for women to just go to a store, you know what I mean?" "I think so." "Well, good night, Doctor." "Good night." "Better see your tailor." "Ladies and gentlemen, this break in our motion picture is made out of respect for the TV fans in our audience, who are accustomed to interruptions in their programmes for messages from sponsors." "We want all you TV fans to feel at home, and not forget the thrill you get watching television on your big 21-inch screens." "I have a 21-inch screen myself, and it's loads of fun." "TV is a remarkable invention." "Where did you go?" "Oh, there you are." "Hi." "As I was saying, TV is a remarkable invention." "You can sit there in your easy chair with your shoes off and a can of beer, watching that wonderful, clear picture coming into your home, bringing culture and entertainment to you and your family." "The great thing about TV is that you see things live at the moment they're happening, like old movies made 30 years ago." "Oh, it's splendid." "Ah, well." "I hope all you TV fans feel wanted." "And lest there are any radio enthusiasts in the audience, we don't want you to feel slighted." "As you know, Jenny Wells loves Rocky Hunter, and Rocky Hunter loves Jenny Wells, but they can't afford to get married." "And now naughty Rita Marlowe has come between nice Jenny Wells and sweet Rocky Hunter." "Will Rita get Rocky?" "Will Rocky forget his true love, Jenny Wells, and go off with Rita to fame and fortune and success?" "And will success spoil Rock Hunter?" "Oh, what will happen?" "What will happen?" " Yes?" " Mr Hunter's here to see you, Mr La Salle." "Ask Mr Hunter to come in." " Good morning, Mr La Salle." " Good morning." "I'm happy to see you are speaking to me today." "Oh, dear." "I'm awfully sorry about that." "I behaved childishly in the corridor." " I'd like to apologise, sir." " No need." "I received exactly what I deserved." "Oh, no, no." "You're just being kind." "There is no excuse for behaviour like that." "Well, here is Miss Rita Marlowe's signed endorsement." "She even agreed to do a TV spectacular for us." "What?" "How did you ever get her to do that, Mr Hunter?" "Well, I guess you could say I owe it all to my mother's musicianship." "But nevertheless you've done an amazing job for the agency." "And you've done a lot for me." "You know, Mr Hunter, I learned a great deal when you snubbed me yesterday." "It was conduct completely unbecoming, even for a Harvard man, to..." "Do you know, Mr Hunter, why I conduct myself in that manner?" "Why I stride down the corridors like a martinet, ignoring everyone?" "You're the boss." "The boss can act like a martinet if he wants to." "No, that isn't it." "I'm..." " I'm a very frightened man, Mr Hunter." " Frightened of what, Mr La Salle?" "Frightened because I'm a success by the dubious route of inheritance." "Being the son of an illustrious parent is far from an easy road, Mr Hunter." " I don't think I understand, sir." " I'm not trying to excuse my actions." "But, you see, I'm constantly on my mettle trying to prove I'm as worthy as my illustrious parent." "And behind the big desk, camouflaged behind the custom-tailored grey flannel," "I pretend I am." "Do you know what I wanted to be before I was cajoled into being a carbon copy of the illustrious founder of this organisation?" "This?" "All this isn't what you want?" "Oh, this is far from it." "Gee whizz." "I always thought you had it made." "I envied you your success." "I have never had it made." "I wanted to be a horticulturist, to develop new roses." "My success would have been taking first prize at a flower show, perhaps having a new rose named after me." " Does that sound foolish to you, Mr Hunter?" " Oh, no." "No." "I wanted to raise chickens once... like Old MacDonald." " It just didn't seem important enough." " Of course not." "You wanted success." "You're probably now raising a mixed-up stomach." "I'm sure that's more important." "But you saved this organisation, Mr Hunter." "I more than appreciate it, and I know my illustrious parent must be very proud of you." "Thank you, Mr La Salle." "Oh, Mr Hunter," "I need men like you." "Please stay on." "Well, of course, I'd like to very much, but I won't be able to come into the office for a while." "I made certain commitments to Miss Marlowe to procure her endorsement." "I think it will keep me a little busy for some time." "Yes, Mr Rufus told me." "I commend your integrity." "You're a rare commodity, Mr Hunter." "Thank you, sir." "Thank you very much, sir." "Well, talk, boy, talk." "What happened with you and the big bossy, huh?" "He is so nice." "He is so nice, Rufe." "He offered me my job back." "He's a lot nicer than that, Rocky boy." "Congratulations, Your Honour, and when do I get my raise?" "Oh, I never thought I'd live to see that." " I know." "Kinda gets you here, doesn't it?" " It really does." "It makes everything seem worthwhile." "Worthwhile?" "Take a gandy at this, laddie." "The key." " Your key to the executive powder room." " Wow!" " You'll love that liquid soap." "It's imported." " Oh, Rufe." "This is a moment..." "I'll never forget." "I know." "I remember when I got my first key." "This means I'm..." "Say it, boy, say it." "Don't be modest." " I'm an executive!" " You got it made!" "You know, it's a miracle how you overcame your education." "Now, take it." "Take the key, Rocky, and go, boy, go." "Oh, I wish Jenny were here to share this moment." "No women allowed." "Go, boy." "Go." "Oh, the beauty of it all." "Hi, honey." "How do you feel?" "I feel just divoon." "Jenny, stop that." "I've opened some of your fan mail, Mr Hunter." "See?" "I've separated it into the proper classifications - proposals of marriage to you from widows, proposals of marriage to you from bachelor girls, and proposals of marriage to you from married women." "I think that's all, but if you need me, just breathe hard." "I'll hear you." " Miss Wells." " Yes?" "Why don't you "Lover Doll" me?" "Go ahead." "All right, Mr Hunter." "Lover Doll, Lover Doll, Lover Doll!" "Once was enough." "Thank you." " That's Lover Doll?" " That's Lover Doll." "He ain't no Pat Boone." "I'm coming unglued." "Jenny." "Jenny!" "Now, you listen to me." "I'm sorry I shouted at you, really, I am." "Jenny?" "Mr La Salle can understand that a man has to keep his promises." "Why can't you?" "There's nothing between Rita and me, really." "You know, we both owe her a great deal." "If it wasn't for her, would I have a key to the executive washroom?" "Would I be a Vi P?" "Rita made it possible for us." "Now we can afford to get married." "Doesn't that mean anything?" "You wanted me to be a big success." "Now I'm on my way, we've got it made, let's enjoy it the way we planned." " Poop." " Jenny, if you go down in that..." " We're through." " All right." "But remember this, and don't forget it, when you see me in the street in my elevator shoes, remember, it was you that did it." "You blind-date often, Miss Summers?" " Only when I'm blind." " I'm sorry." "I didn't mean it the way it sounded." "I just got the homogenised blues." " Dolly, what's happened to you?" " This music brings out the Belafonte in me." " It's more than that." "You're different tonight." " No, I'm not." "I'm the same Lover Doll, honest." "Just one more, Lover Doll." "Thanks, folks." "Now, for the first time on any show, here on our stage, on our show, we will show you that we really have got a big show." "Here he is, in person, Lover Doll Hunter." "He will show all the men in our audience how to really keep their wives and sweethearts happy." "Show them on our show, Lover Doll." "Women love to be kissed when wearing Stay-Put Lipstick, and to kiss properly, you must first pucker your lips, and hold her in your arms gently, watching the position of the right hand." "Leave two quarts tomorrow." "Talk about sales." "Would you believe it, LD?" "Rita's endorsement has Stay-Put selling four to one over our competitor." "And will her spectacular be spectacular?" "We've had 18 writers and we're warming up a top rewrite team to rewrite the last top rewrite team." "And we're getting a great big, important guest star." "Sounds great." "You don't sound enthusiastic." "This is your baby." "To tell you the truth, I'm kinda tired, Rufe." "Have you seen Jenny lately?" "No, I haven't seen her." "You're not still thinking about Jenny?" "No..." "Just asking." "Oh, no, no, no." "That's not your office any more." "LS has a bigger office for you." " Bigger office?" " Things have been popping with Junior." " How is Mr La Salle?" " Never better, all thanks to you, LD." "This is Miss Carstairs." "She's new here." " Good morning, Mr Hunter." " Good morning." "If you want anything, just call." "Really stacked, that Carstairs." "Dishy, huh?" "Attractive." "She's on the 80-proof side, but you're a drinking man." " La Salle removed the portrait of his father." " Yep." "Papa's gone." "The roses too." "Gee, the office doesn't look the same without the roses." "Junior took them too." "You'll have to choose your own posies." " Choose my own what?" " Posies." "The kind you like." "Just tell the stack outside, she'll order 'em." " Rufe, where is Mr La Salle?" " Which one?" "Junior or Senior?" "Well, I know where Senior is." "Where's Mr La Salle Junior?" "Junior's bye-bye too." "And I think you'd better give me back that key to the executive powder room." "You're in solitary from here on in." " Hello there, Rockwell." " I'd like to have a talk with you, Mr La Salle." "Haven't we reached the point where we can use first names?" " Please call me Irving." " Irving?" "I'd like to have a little of your time, Irving." "There's not much to say, Rockwell." "After our conversation that day, I started thinking." "I hadn't done any thinking since I inherited the agency." "It's not the kind of business that requires thinking, so the process was strange for me." "I muddled it through to a logical conclusion, and my problems, as Rufus would say, were solvy-solvied." "I was impressed with you." "You seemed eager for what you thought was success." "You no longer believed in your chicken-farm dreams." "You were, in a manner of speaking, a gift from the gods." "You were the perfect man to sit at my desk and enjoy it, the kind of man my illustrious parent would have respected as a son, instead of the rose grubber he sired." "I'm not at all sure I'm the man to sit behind your desk." "I'm certain you are." "Success will fit you like a shroud." "Now, this is an office I really enjoy working in, but I don't imagine my illustrious parent is as happy as he was." " You didn't mind me removing his portrait?" " No, no, certainly not." "I'm glad." "I wanted Daddy's picture with me." "You see, Rockwell, I had got used to Daddy frowning down on me all those long years." "And now the old buzzard can be as miserable in my office as he made me in his." "Daddy was the first Ivy Leaguer, you know." " Good night, Mr Hunter." " Good evening, Mr Hunter." "Evening." "Oh, I'm sorry." "Jenny." "I didn't know you'd be here so early in the morning." "I just wanted to return this." "I meant to give it back to you before, but..." "Jenny." "I couldn't keep it lit." "I tried, I really tried." "I'm sorry." "Jenny." "I know now why I couldn't keep it lit." "Yeah." "Remember that psychiatrist I was telling you about?" " Yes." " Well, he was right." "All my life, I've fought against being a failure." "I didn't have sense enough to know that I'm not a failure, I'm the largest success there is." "I'm an average guy, and all us average guys are successes." "We run the works - not the big guy behind the big desk." "He's knocking himself out trying to figure out how to please us, please you and me and all the other usses like us." "Who do they try to sell with advertising?" "Nobody but us." "Who gives a television series a good Trendex?" "We do." "Who elects the presidents?" "Nobody but us." "Do you understand what I'm trying to tell you?" "I suppose I do." "I suppose I never wanted to be anybody but me, plain Jenny Wells." "I tried, but those tight sweaters are too heavy." "Plain Jenny Wells." "Plain Rockwell Hunter just wants to go through life with you." "That's very nice to hear, but what about that not-so-plain girl you're marrying this afternoon?" "Marrying?" "Oh, that's just some of Rita's publicity nonsense." "Nonsense?" "Louella Parsons says it's true." "It's the lead in her column and she's never wrong." "She's never wrong." "Honey, Rita doesn't love me." "She loves a guy named Georgie Schmidlapp." "She's been trying to forget him, the way I tried to forget you, only we both failed." "Jenny, marry me today?" " Louella's never wrong." " Please, marry me today?" "You'll be a bigamist." "Two wives in one day - you'll be arrested." "They'll put you in jail, but I'll come to see you every visiting day." "Stay-Put spectacular is on the air, in black and white, and contemptible colour..." "pardon me, compatible colour." "Starring..." "Rita Marlowe and a surprise guest star." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Thank you." "This is Rita Marlowe, star of stage, screen and now live television." "As this is my first live television appearance, the sponsor has relinquished his commercial time." "There will be no mention of Stay-Put, nor Stay-Put Lipstick's wonderful colours, such as Stay-Put Lipstick red," "Stay-Put Lipstick pink, Stay-Put Lipstick flame," "Stay-Put Lipstick magenta, Stay-Put Lipstick devil red." "These are wonderful lipsticks I personally use for my oh-so-kissable lips... that you will not be hearing about." "And now for our first big surprise guest star," "Georgie Schmidlapp?" "Rita, I love you." "Oh, and I love you, Georgie." "But why did you wait so long to tell me?" "You know, you never even tried to kiss me." "I never could get that close." "Oh, but it's wonderful to be in love, and it's even more wonderful to be on a TV show without any commercials." "Here." "Hold this... until I get back." "Rita Marlowe and her true love Georgie Schmidlapp are successful now." "You bet your life." "And another big success is this family." "They made the grade - grade A, extra large." "They really have it made, as long as the price of eggs stays up." "This fellow is a big successy as the big bossy." "Even though his secretary put him on a milk diet, his Scotch, bourbon, gin and Manischewitz-flavoured lipsticks are a big hit." "And this horticulturist developed a new, fast-growing rose." "I was awarded the first prize." "Yes, it's called the... the Irving rose." "We've learned that success is just the art of being happy, and being happy is... well, being happy is..." "Just the very living end." "Visiontext Subtitles:" "Sarah Johnston"