"You gotta be careful of the wire, Charlie." "I'm not gonna pencil wire," " i know what i'm doing." " 'Cause then the breaks lights don't work." " I know what i'm doing, dude." " Make sure it's on tight." "It's on as tight as it's gonna get, dude." "Dennis, i think we should get like a GPS system, 'cause these maps from like the 70's." "GPS system?" "Hell no!" "That's gonna ruin the road trip experience, we're gonna do this old-school, baby." "Maps, fresh cigarettes, fresh coffee." "Cooking out on the grill, sleep in sleeping bags." " Old-school?" " Old-school, baby." " I didn't know that." " Camp fire." "Let's do old-school." " Shit..." " Oh, shit..." " That's Sweet Dee?" " That's Sweet Dee." "God damn it." "What is that car." "What is she doing in here?" " What car is that?" " Shit." " Okay, just don't say anything!" " Hey, guys!" " What's with the trailer?" " None of your business." " What are you doing here so early?" " Why are you work early?" "Well, i woke up early this morning and i bought a new car," " It's pretty sweet, Where are you guys going?" " We're going to Grand Canyon." " God damn it, Frank." " Really?" "Frank wants to see it before he dies, so..." "What happen was he told us about a road trip, we got all excited, we got up super early, we packed the car, and we were hoping to get out here before your bust arrive." "Are you just gonna ditch me?" "No, It's cool." "I'm gonna stick around." " Charlie's too scared." " Yes, he has never left Philly before." "No i'm not scared." "It's just, i haven't left Philly yet." " Why i leave Philly?" " He's frightens." " I wanna go." " No, you're not going." " You can't come, 'cause it'll take forever." "You're gonna have to pee every 5 minutes, it's gonna be stupid." "I'm not gonna get stuck behind with Charlie." "Wait a second, If you go, i'm gonna be all by myself in the bar, that's messed up guys." "I mean, that's more challenging than like even if i went." "You know, maybe i should go." " Right." "We're all in." " No, we're not all in." " We're all in?" " Yes, we're going." "Why did you have to buy a new car today of all days?" "I'll go get my stuff." "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia Season 5 Episode 2" "Translate:" "Joe_Le_Taxi" "I can't believe you've never been out of Philly, Charlie." "Yeah, man." "What the hell?" "I've never done a lot of things." "What else have you not done, bro?" " I've never eaten a pear." " What?" " How is that possible?" " Seriously." "Pears weird me out, dude." "Where do you start with the pear?" "The top?" "The bottom?" "It's like..." "What do you mean, "Where do you start"?" "You just bite into it, it's a fruit." " You just start it." " Really?" "You just bite it?" "It's a weird looking thing." "Okay you know what?" "Pull over, i'm getting this kid a pear." "No, no pulling over, we got a schedule." "No, I would love to take a quick leak." " Are you serious?" " Deandra!" " We just left." " Come on!" "That's was i worried about." "It can't just be any pear, it's gotta be a fresh one." " Allright." " Let's go to the Italian market." "The Italian market is way out of our way." "Dennis, you have to smoke?" "It's coming right back in through my window." "Roll on your window up then, Dee." "'Cause i'm smoking." "The window needs to be down for the fresh air." "Hey, i've never had blueberries either." " What?" " What are you talking about?" "That is completely insane." "We're definetely going to Italian market." " Dennis, let's go." " Can believe this guy, Jesus." " What guy?" " Guy on the bike, he's taking up the whole god damn road." "Ride on the side walk if you're not ride a bike, asshole!" " What was that?" " He flips you off, dude." " What?" " Is that he was?" " He flips you off, man." " Son of a bitch!" " Real, chip on his shoulder!" " Do you wanna egg him?" " Yes, I wanna egg him, you got eggs?" " No." "That would have been good though." " That would have been good." "You know what?" "I'm gonna fire beer across his bow, give him a scare." " Get close to him." " Hey, asshole!" "Oh, shit!" " Shit!" " I hit him!" "I hit him back in the head!" "That is not how i expected that to go." " Is he okay?" " Did we kill him?" "I don't know..." "He's getting up." " He is?" " He's moving." " Yes, he's getting up" " Thank god, dude." " Wait" " Should we help him out?" "He's getting something out of his bag." " What's he getting?" " It's a pipe." " Is that pipe?" " Go, go, go, go!" "What's wrong with tires?" " I don't know." " Get back to bar." " God damn it!" " Shit!" "These tires are completely destroyed." "I'm just gonna pop inside real quick take a quick squirt." " Unbelievable." " How about we put a coupling doughnuts on there?" "Right, Frank." "We're gonna go to the Grand Canyon on spare tires." "Plus, there's a good deal on mountain bike in your axle here, bro." " Seriously?" " Yeah..." "We're talking structural damage down there." "There's leaking, some sparking." " Well, road trip is off." " No, no." "Road trip is not off." "I have a good idea." " Not bad, right?" " No." " It's nice." " Lot a room." " It's smooth ride." " You got a lot of room back there?" "Yes, We got easy acces to the beers, I mean that's a good touch." "New car smell." "How do you get that in used car?" "What is that?" " It's a spray." " Yeah, it's spray." " It's nice." " I enjoyed man, i'm glad we do that." "What's this light, will hurry up and change?" "That's the only thing." "Hey!" "Hey you bastards!" "You jerks!" "God damn it!" "Get out!" " Get out." " It's my car, i'm driving." " I got window!" " Get out!" " You got window, Frank?" " You jerks." "You guys are dick!" " Took you long enough." " You took it forever!" " Did you still wanna go?" " Shut up!" "It really cramped back here with this cooler." "Why didn't you put the cooler in the trailer?" "Because then Dee, we're gonna have to pull over every single time we wanna beer." "That new car smell is start to giving me a headache." " Dennis, give me a cigarette." " You wanna cigarette?" "I wanna have one too." " Do you guys have to smoke in here?" " Your car reeks, Dee, so..." " Dude, this thing is so heavy!" " I'm gonna get a blood clot with this thing." "Oh my god, why don't you put it in the trailer?" "Why don't i put you in the trailer?" " Good one, Charlie." " It's actually not a bad idea." "I wouldn't mind riding back there." "There's a hell of a lot more room." "I'm done with that." " What?" " Come on!" "Get it, you're gonna burn the whole on the new upholstery." "It's not new upholstery." "What makes you think it's new upholstery?" " Did you get it?" " Yes." " Allright, this sucks." " Pull over." "This is terrible." "I wanna go in the back with Dennis." " Yes, you guys riding back in..." " Yeah, we're going back." "This is more liking, right Frank?" "Got lot a room back here." "It's muggy back here." "Maybe we crack that door a little bit?" "What?" "You're gonna flying out at the first corner?" "I don't think so, buddy." "It's just a crack." "Just a little bit." " You wanna crack it?" " Yes, we crack it." " Crack it!" " It's hard to stand up back here." "Furnitures are what we need." "We'll pick some up in the Italian market." "When was the last time you saw furniture in an Italian market?" "Those people will sell you anything, they'll sell you their children, They don't care." " Provolone and salami." " They sell everything at the Italian market." "These people are like descendants of gypsies, they come in, they sell their shit, they bang each other, i don't want they do, but you get to haggle with them, it's a lot of fun." "Meantime, you know what?" "i'll prop this beer bottle under the door." "Right." "Here we go, perfect." "The weight of the door will keep the beer bottle in place." "Nice, huh?" "Move over a little bit, let me sit on the corner." "God damn it!" "That's how i get into." "All this space back here." "You guys wanna listen to some tunes?" "Get some CDs from Dennis here." "I hate to break it to you but there's no CD player in here." " Are you shitting me?" " No." "Why would you buy a car with no CD player?" "Because the guy knocked 50 bucks off." " So you had the option?" " Yes, i had the option." "Oh my god, and you went with the tape deck." " Yes i did, Charlie." " That is so cheap, Dee." "You're cheap!" "Why did you buy this crappy little car in the first place?" "Because you guys rammed my last one into a wall." " That's why." " Whatever." " What tapes do you have?" " Tapes?" "Who has tapes anymore?" "I would have thought that you would've at least, made a mix for the road trip," "You didn't invite me on your road trip." "Allright, you don't keep a good mix tape in your car?" "I just bought the car this morning, Charlie." "Are you going to yell the whole way, Dee?" "Oh my god, just shut up and turn the radio on." " Put the radio on." " Turn the radio on." " Find a station." " I'm trying." "The antenna is probably broken on this piece of shit car!" " You're piece of shit...car." "Wait a second, there's a tape right down here, i think." " You got a tape?" " Yes, it's under the seat." " Give it to me." " I'm trying to give it you." " Gimme, gimme, gimme." " Don't..." " Gimme, gimme, gimme..." " Here you go." "Calm down, dude." "Inner peace is an attainable goal." "The first step is releasing the anger, and agression that one hold inside..." "Pop it out, right?" " Yes." "I'm gonna run to the ladies room for two seconds." "And take my keys in case you jerks try anything." "Allright, Charlie." "Get ready to scratch two things off of your bucket list." "I don't have a bucket list,dude 'cause i'm not dying." "Everybody's dying, bitch." "Let's get you some fruit." "Guys, we're gonna go grab some furniture to throw on to back." "10 minutes." "That's all." "We meet back here." "Get a good deal, i mean talk to the guy." " There's no rush, right?" " 10 minutes." "Allright, have fun." " I've never had a strawberry either." " That's astounding." "Charlie, i'm excited for you, bro." " Pears." " Nice." "One of nature's most delightful fruits." "Excuse me, sir." "How much for this?" " Those are 50 cents." " I won't pay full price." " So i'll give you dime." " 50 cents, buddy." " Very well, i'll drop you quarter." " No." "Okay, 35 cents." "I don't have time for this friggin' shit, give me the 35." " Nice, man." " I talked you down." " Good barter." " Here you go." "Allright, bozo, thank you." "I'm calling a lot of people bozo now." "It's like my new thing." " Champ into it." " Just bite it?" "Yes, like a piece of fruit..." " Tastes like sand." " Like sand?" "That pear is not right, dude." "He burned us." "Gipsy son of a bitch, burned us, excuse me, sir." "What are you doing to my friend, bozo?" "You burned us." "It's dry." " You picked it out." " Let's not get into a whole who picked out what." "I want my 35 cents back." "Charlie, give him the pear." "I can't, I just ate it." " The whole thing?" " Yeah, it was pretty gross." "The stem and then the core and the..." "You didn't tell me not to eat the stem, dude!" "Did you eat the stickers that are all over it?" " Yeah, it was gross." " Of course, it's gross; it's a sticker!" "I eat stickers all the time, dude!" "This whole thing is a disaster." "I'm going back to the car." "They've got a lot of good stuff here." "I like the rocking chair, i do like this wicker chairs, they might be more forgiving on my bottom." "It's though decision, i don't know." "Make one, then make one." "Make a decision?" "Sir, we're interested in these wicker chairs, but we're totally unwilling to pay full price for them." " You can't barter with the guy?" " Yeah." "No, you can't barter with him." "We're pay full price." "Frank, come on, the gipsy wants to barter, let's barter with him." "We don't have time to barter." "Okay, we're pay full price for..." "Is that a French press, sir?" "How much for the fine looking French press?" "We don't need a French press, Dennis." "What do you expect me to, drink gas station coffee all the way to Grand Canyon?" "I don't think so, asshole." "Sir?" "The man will pay full price for the French press, or i will however be willing to barter with you for a very long time." "Full price." "Hey, you guys seeing anybody selling cassette tapes?" "What the hell are you doing?" "What are you drinking?" "It's an energy drink." "You guys drinking beer, i gotta swig on something." "You'll be pissing in every 15 feet." "I know what i'm doing, i'm buying you a piss jar." "Hold on a second, i think i see some tapes down there." " I'm gonna barter with that guy." " Barter with the gpysy." "Dude, i'm telling you it's black to yellow, i know..." "Black to yellow?" "No, dude, it's blue to something..." "it's blue to something..." "Just use the black to yellow and car will start..." "Oh, shit..." "You guys, check it out, i found this Soul Asylum's tape, but i totally talked the guy down to like half the asking price." "Oh, god damn it!" "Yeah, there was a bunch of wires hanging down and i was trying to put them back." " Shut up, just shut up..." " Here is your piss jar." "Frank, i wanna hop in the back with Dennis, you wanna switch with me?" " Switch?" " Yeah, they're gonna argue the whole way, i don't wanna listen to it." "No, i don't like in there anyway." " You wanna cup of coffee, man?" " Yes, definitely, dude." "I got a piping hot one ready for you, right now." "Hook me up, bro, hook me up." "That's a pretty sweet duct tape rig, you got going on the door, man." "You like that?" "I taped the chairs down too." "But you stopped at the grill, that's got me confused." " I run out of tape, actually." " It's not gonna slide through the crack?" "It won't, because i mesured the crack and the crack is smaller than the height of the grill." "We're all hooked up here, dude." "Are you nervous of all about leaving Philly?" "Like, if anything bad gonna happen?" "I don't think so, man, i'm excited about it." "I've just nerve to been outside Philly, i don't know how people are like..." " People are people." " Nobody's gonna be like a dick?" "Probably there's some dicks out there but i'll back you up, man." "Thanks, man." "I tell you what how?" "You shotgun a beer." "That will calm my nerves." "Sure, it'll help." " I'm bored." " Yeah." "Let's play a drinking game." "Name all 50 states, drink while you think." "That's gonna suck, i'm not drinking." " Frank, will you drive for a little bit?" " I had been drinking all day." "Fine." "Go." " Maine." " New Hampshire." " Vermont." " Philly." " North Virginia." " South Virginia." " East Virginia." " South Virginia." " Did I say that already?" " Are you guys shitting me?" " Allright, start over." " No, i'm not gonna start over, i was right, the game sucks." "It's the drinking of the amusing part." "I've got an idea." "Georgia." "That's six." "Oh, i was gonna..." "No." "Jesus christ, you guys are gonna be hammered before I finish naming the East Coast." "I gotta cook up some hotdogs, man." "I got a proposition for you, man, check this out," "What do you say we smash these wicker chairs to bits, we put them in the middle of the U-Haul, which is metal, and we burn the wicker chairs, cook the hotdogs on them." "What are you mean?" "We cook the hotdogs over the fire?" "and then we'll get some new wicker chairs next time we're at a gipsy hangout spot." "Okay, you think we're gonna be going to a lot of those?" " Cause i feel like, i already dodged the bullet once today." " What do you mean?" "Well, I mean, you know, gypsies." "I don't want anyone shrinking my head and shit." "Yeah." "First of all, it was not gypsies ever that did that," "That's a sort of witch-doctor thing." "But either way, neither one of them could shrink heads." "Can we, let's just burn the chairs." "Couple of hotdogs will calm me down." " Thanks for driving." " I really appreciate the ride." "Yeah." " So you're headed to Hollywood, huh?" " Yeah." "Oh my god." "Oh my god, you're runnin' away from home, aren't you?" "Yeah, maybe." "No." "Sweet baby, they are gonna eat you alive in Hollywood." "You're definitely gonna end up doing gay porn with this tiny little body of yours." "Oh, man." "Kid." "I'll be fine." "I've actually got an uncle out there..." "I've got something you need to hear about." "Hang on a second." "# Runaway train, never goin' back," "# Wrong way on a one-way track..." "Actually, i've got this uncle out there..." "# Somehow I'm neither here nor there." "# Runaway train, never comin' back." "# Runaway train, tearing' up the track." "Runaway..." "Shit." "What is that?" "Is that piss?" "Is that piss?" "Pull over!" "You better pull over or he'll just keep yelling." "Pull over, you little dick!" "Stop the car." "Jesus Christ, Dee!" "I'm covered in piss." "Maybe you shouldn't have had your window down." "Maybe you shouldn't be throwing jars of pee out the window!" " Maybe I should, maybe I shouldn't." "It's up for debate." " You shouldn't!" "Hey, what the hell is that?" "Holy shit!" "Damn, it's dark and we haven't even left Philly yet." "I'm so sorry, dude." "I don't know what happened." "It's like we lit the chairs, There must have been a glaze on the wicker, or something" " 'Cause we passed out instantly." " Some sort of a poison glaze." " What are we, 20 minutes away from the bar?" " Yes, we're close." "I use this gas station all the time." "Sorry, it took a little longer than i thought, there was a line for the bathroom." "Check at this couch i found in the dumpster." " Toss in." "Nice" " Got it buddy?" "What's the plan here?" "You guys just still gonna riding in the back?" " Yes!" " Sure." "You're not gonna get the smell of piss out that car for weeks." "Yeah, it's pretty bad, i'm in." " Me too." " You guys get in too?" "Allright, let's do it." "Allright, whatever." "Have fun in the death trap." "I guess i'm riding with you, bro." "You're not gonna sing to me, are you?" "I might." "Allright." "You know, Dee..." "I don't wanna say anything back there cause i don't wanna be rude to the kid, but you really gotta be careful just picking up hitchhikers." "I know, but that kid was like really young and sweet and innocent looking." "Right, but those are the one's you gotta watch out for." "Those are the most dangerous hitchhikers." "They act like the normal and then they carve you up." "No way, wasn't gonna happen." "I had my eyes on him on the whole time." "I've always got an A, B, and a C strike plan to get us out of any potentially life-threating situation." " That's right." " Could be, Frank." "All i'm saying is that i'm ready for any situation." "That's why you're all safe as long as i'm around." "I did an ocular pat-down and i cleared him." "I'm sorry?" "I'm saying that i did an ocular assessment of the situation, garnered that he was not a security risk, and I cleared him for passage." " I cleared him for passage?" " What in the hell are you talking about?" "I'm talking about breaking down the security situation, clearing individual and making it safer passage." "How exactly do you view yourself within the context of our group?" " The sheriff of Paddy's." "I can't have this conversation right now." " The sheriff of Paddy's" " Can you move on?" "I'm gonna pass out." "We got a long trip head for us." " Careful." " I got it." "Get off me, dude." "Are we moving?" "I think we're stopped." "Dee, what time is it?" " 7 a.m. - 7 a.m.?" " Shit, we've been driving all night?" " We're not moving, are we?" "No." " You think we're head like half way there?" " I wonder how far we got?" "What the hell is this?" " We're backed at Paddy's?" " Where the hell is my car?" " God damn!" " Shitballs!" "You guys are back!" "How was the Grand Canyon?" " What the hell happened to my car, Charlie?" " I don't know." "Last thing i remember,we were at the gas station, and you guys hopped in back, and i hopped in the front with the hitchhiker." "Then i got freaked out about leaving Philly, so i asked him if he drop me off back here, and he said he take you guys to the Grand Canyon." "And then i drank all night, and passed out, and then you guys are getting here now?" "So i figured did you go and come back?" "He didn't take us to the Grand Canyon, he detached the trailer, and stole my car." " Really?" " Yeah!" "The weird thing is, Mac had already cleared him as a security risk." "Did an ocular pat-down on him." " Amazing, right?" " Are you cleared him, Mac?" " I cleared him." " I thought he was clear." " He wasn't clear." "I'm calling the cops." "I thought Mac cleared him." "I don't think there be any problem." " I had a good time on the trip." "Looking on the bright side things, allright." " Let's drink some beers, man." " Absolutely." "That was a close side of,we're got to been out of the Philly, man." " Cheers!" " Cheers!" " Texas!" " State game?" " Ohio." " Rhode Island." "Nice." " Detroit." " That's not a state." " Drink!" " Milwaukee." "Jesus H. Christ." "Translate :" "Joe_Le_Taxi"