"Come on, Schultz!" "It's freezing out here!" "What's the holdup, Schultz?" "Yeah, you wouldn't want me to write my congressman!" "It's not up to me!" "We have to wait for the commandant, but in the meantime" "I'm going to enforce the same iron discipline... ( whistle blowing )" "Herr Kommandant, I beg to report all present and accounted for!" "Schultz, what are you bothering me for?" "An enemy plane was shot down." "The pilot made it out." "We must find him!" "Don't you understand?" "!" "Yes, Herr Kommandant." "Certainly, Herr Kommandant!" "Well, what are you waiting for?" "!" "Oh, you want me to find him?" "Of course!" "Release the dogs, sound the alarm, but get him!" "Get him!" "Get him!" "Yes, Herr Kommandant." "Certainly Herr Kommandant!" "Herr Kommandant, you can be assured..." "Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!" "Jawohl!" "Release the dogs!" "Sound the alarm!" "( whistle blowing )" "( alarm ringing )" "( dogs barking )" "What do you think, Colonel?" "I think for a big man, Schultz moves pretty fast." "Well?" "Couldn't get close to him, Colonel." "It's been 24 hours since they brought him in." "I tried." "Who's running this camp, the Germans?" "The Gestapo major still has him in Klink's office for questioning." "Get plugged in, Kinch." "Right, Colonel." "What's all this flap about one fighter pilot?" "They want something from him." "What is it?" "Ah, Lieutenant Boucher." "You are with the brave Free French." "My name is Lieutenant Claude Boucher, serial number 42105513." "Lieutenant, we already know you are Free French." "We also know the English fighter group to which you are attached" "Pardon, were attached" "And we know a great deal more." "Lieutenant, the Gestapo is a most efficient organization, and I would suggest that you cooperate with them fully." "I always do." "I do." "Thank you, thank you." "Since your capture yesterday, we have been checking into your background." "You were an aspiring actor in Paris before the war, yes?" "Would you believe it, but before I found my true calling as a soldier, that is, I, uh, also toyed with the idea of possibly..." "Some other time." "Some other time." "And you have family in Paris, I believe." "No, none." "That is blackmail!" "If you have no family in Paris, how can we blackmail you?" "This picture that you were carrying... she is very pretty." "Oh, yes, very." "She was your fiance?" "She is my fiance." "Oh?" "Strange, she did not act like a fiancee when I saw her two weeks ago." "You are lying." "Most charming." "Mademoiselle Suzanne." "She has made the burdens of war less heavy for a great many German officers." "( laughing )" "I am sorry." ""C'est la guerre," you would say, huh?" "I don't believe it." "You remember her from your last Paris leave, Klink?" "The pretty little actress at the Theater Athenee." "As a matter of fact, Major," "I had a miserable time in Paris." "First, I caught a dreadful head cold, and then I..." "Klink." "Oh, of course, I remember." "Oh, oh, yes." "Of course." "Charming." "Charming." "Do not hate her, Lieutenant." "After all, it has been years since she has seen you." "France has lost the war." "She has accepted that hard fact." "I am sure you will do the same." "How could she do a thing like that?" "She didn't." "It's the oldest line in the world, and Boucher's falling for it." "How do you know it's a line, Colonel?" "Carter, can you imagine a girl, any girl, going out with Klink?" "No, I can't." "What do you think they want from him?" "I think he's getting to it." "Listen." "Right now, Lieutenant, you think you have not much to live for, but life goes on." "It can be easy or hard." "A little conversation with us, a few facts that could not possibly hurt anyone could make all the difference." "What facts?" "Well, your fighter group we already know." "The location of your air base, we know approximately but just clear this up for our records." "I will never tell you that." "Lieutenant, I would not advise you to defy Major Hochstetter." "He has ways of extracting information that are most unpleasant." "No, no, no, Klink." "There is time." "Let him make up his own mind." "Back to solitary, young man." "Think about it." "We'll talk again tomorrow." "Ooh, Major, I wish you'd give me a chance to talk to him." "No, no, no, Klink." "Let him think about his lovely lost Suzanne." "In a day or two, he will tell us everything." "He will, too, traitor." "Far too romantic, you Frenchman." "Unstable." "Oh, yeah?" "I wouldn't crack up because my girl double-crossed me." "I guess I'd expect it." "What do we do about him, Colonel?" "You got any ideas?" "I'm thinking, I'm thinking." "Maybe Hochstetter will give him a three-day pass to go to Paris and get married." "Hey, that's a great idea." "I'll go along as flower girl." "Maid of honor!" "Hold it, hold it." "LeBeau, I think you hit it." "I did?" "With a slight change." "We bring the girl here to get him married." "Colonel, you feel all right?" "It's battle fatigue." "I've seen it coming on." "And no man deserved it more." "Maybe I'm in the wrong outfit." "Isn't this the bunch that built the plane right here and flew it out of camp?" "Stole a tank and hid it in the barracks?" "Kidnapped a German general and took him to bomb his own refinery?" "What's a simple little wedding?" "Well, as long as it's a simple wedding." "I'll give you my word, just 200 guests." "What?" "200?" "Who's going to perform the ceremony?" "Easy." "Who's the most qualified?" "I won't even guess, because I'll be dead wrong." "Dead wrong." "Don't you see, fellas?" "On a ship, it's the captain, right?" "Right." "This entire area is under martial law." "Who has civilian and military authority?" "Colonel, you don't mean..." "Commandant Klink?" "Fellas, you knew it all the time." "This is a big assignment, LeBeau." "You've got to get to Paris safely." "Gotta find an actress named Suzanne who's engaged to an actor-flier named Claude Boucher." "You bring her back here, all within 24 hours." "You think you can handle it?" "Well, one thing that bothers me, Colonel." "What?" "Will that give me time to look up my old girlfriends?" "Ration yourself." "Pick up the motorcycle in Hammelburg, okay?" "Right." "Au revoir, Colonel." "Au revoir, Kinch." "Take it easy." "Au revoir, Carter." "Come on!" "Hey, old buddy." "What if you approach this Suzanne and find out she really has gone over to the Nazis?" "What happens to you?" "I have eternal faith in French womanhood." "Also, I'm a very fast runner." "Aha!" "I saw something." "Come on in, Schultz." "I am already in!" "I'm here to make a bed check." "Excellent idea." "Why?" "Because there's a Gestapo major here." "His name is Major Hochstetter, and if anything should happen while" "Major Hochstetter is here, it will not be the fault of Sergeant Schultz." "Line your men up in front of the bunks!" "What for?" "So I can see that everybody is here, is what for." "Everybody's here, take my word for it." "Everybody except LeBeau." "Uh-huh." "And where is LeBeau?" "Paris." "Colonel Hogan, you must tell me, because..." "Paris?" "Just on his way, really." "Paris, France?" "Carter, you better get Schultz a chair." "Right away, Colonel." "No chair!" "There has been an escape?" "I have to report this to Commandant Klink!" "You do that, Schultz, and good luck." "Good luck to me?" "Ha!" "Good luck to you!" "Why did you say, "Good luck"?" "It's pretty obvious, isn't it?" "You know how Klink's proud of his record here at Stalag 13." "Never an escape." "Now one of your prisoners is missing." "I'm gonna miss you, Schultz." "Take plenty of warm clothing." "Look, he might like the Russians." "He might never come back." "Colonel Hogan." "Well, maybe Major Hochstetter will defend you." "Major Hochstetter?" "What am I supposed to do?" "Hope for a break." "With luck, LeBeau will be back in 24 hours." "Oh, he will?" "And you won't tell Kommandant Klink?" "I promise." "You are my best friend." "Right." "Now go back to your barracks and lie down under your favorite blanket and let us do the worrying." "Thank you." "Oh, LeBeau will be back?" "With the girl." "What girl?" "The one who's gonna get married to the young flier." "I hear nothing!" "Nothing!" "This could have been a little sticky, Colonel." "Yeah, that's the one trouble with a big wedding." "The details can drive you crazy." "Mademoiselle Suzanne?" "Merci." "Mademoiselle Suzanne?" "Merci." "Mademoiselle Suzanne?" "I do not know you." "Let me introduce myself." "Please." "I do not speak to German soldiers." "You do not know how happy that makes me." "Pourquoi?" "I am French." "My name is Louis LeBeau and I am a friend of Claude Boucher," "Claude." "Oh, Claude." "Is he all right?" "Has anything happened to him?" "He was shot down, but he is safe." "Oh, mon dieu." "Mon dieu." "He is captured?" "Yes." "Oh, well, no matter, as long as he's safe." "If I could only tell him that I will wait." "You may not have to." "Are you doing anything tonight that will prevent your getting married?" "You, you're joking." "No." "I'm here to take you to him." "Your wedding coach." "Oh, but I, but I don't understand." "Well, I don't even know you." "Oh, but you are a wonderful man." "Magnifique." "You are a friend of Claude?" "Already I hate him." "Look at your situation realistically, Boucher." "You have lost the war, you have lost your fiancee, and now you have lost your liberty." "Who can make life better for you, eh?" "Your friends-- the Germans." "We're a wonderful people." "Klink." "Hochstetter's bearing down pretty hard." "He's not gonna crack already?" "Actors are all unstable and French actors are the worst." "He might hold out, but we'd better not take any chances." "I'll get over there." "Oh, here's the pill, Colonel." "Let's hope I don't have to use it." "Sooner or later we will find the position of your air base without you, so why not get a little something out of it yourself?" "Yes, and then you will bomb it." "No, nothing could be further from our minds." "We only want the position for our records." "That's all." "Colonel Hogan to see you, Herr Kommandant." "Absolutely not!" "Colonel Klink, I know it's just an oversight, but I haven't yet been able to advise this prisoner of his rights under the Geneva Convention." "That's why I'm here." "Who is this man?" "Hogan, we are conducting an interrogation." "I order you to leave at once." "All right, let's talk about something else." "Who is this man!" "?" "Morale is very low among the men, Commandant, so we're putting on a camp show tonight." "Say, we could write in a part for you, sir." "It's one of those character pieces, but those kind make or break a production." "You're not writing in anything for me." "Well, we can work out the fine details later on." "All I need is your permission for the show idea." "You have it." "Now leave, leave, leave." "Thanks, sir." "Say, is this man an actor?" "He'd be perfect for the part." "Perfect." "Who is this man?" "!" "Colonel Hogan, Major, but of course, you won't let us have him for the show, so forget I mentioned it." "I've forgotten it." "Wait." "Boucher was an actor." "It might be enjoyable for him." "So you won't let us have him." "Why not?" "We are his friends." "That's very big of you, sir." "Could I have him right now for rehearsal?" "No, no rehearsal." "You can have him for the performance only, under close supervision." "Well, that's not so big of you, but I'll take it." "Could I watch him drink a glass of water?" "Why?" "It's an old Stanislavski test of acting ability." "I want to make sure he's right for the part." "I'll just help myself." "Bottoms up." "Did you see that?" "This man has the makings of a star!" "Thank you, Major." "Commandant." "See you at the show tonight." "A little eccentric, but thoroughly cowed, sir, thoroughly." "Perhaps." "So, we do something once again, nice for you, eh?" "A little reciprocation?" "Just the location of your air base." "Is it north of London or south?" "Or possibly east?" "West?" "Boucher?" "What's the matter, Major?" "This man is asleep." "How could this have happened?" "I suspect your thoroughly cowed Colonel Hogan." "Impossible!" "Isn't it?" "Later on, we'll make a surprise inspection." "He's too smart for you, Klink, but not for me." "Well, as long as we're covered." "Did you get the girl?" "Where is she?" "Oh, it's so good to be home!" "LeBeau?" "Oh, the girl, of course." "( wolf whistle )" "( all talking at once )" "Be careful there." "Suzanne, the boys." "Hello, boys!" "ALL:" "Hi." "Colonel Hogan." "Enchantee, Colonel." "I'm the father of the bride." "Let's make that cousin." "But, you know, this is all so fantastic!" "I can't believe it." "Does Claude know I'm here?" "No, and I probably won't get a chance to tell him before the ceremony, so be prepared for anything." "All right." "Colonel." "Klink's coming with Hochstetter." "All right, back in the tunnel." "No time!" "All right, in my office." "Quick, quick!" "Achtung!" "Hello, Major." "How did you know we like surprises?" "Are they all here, Klink?" "Of course, Major." "In all the history of Stalag 13, we have never had one single..." "They are all here, aren't they, Schultz?" "Herr Kommandant, on one hand I might say, I..." "What was the question?" "What's the matter with you?" "Are they all here or are they not all here?" "Well, Herr Kommandant, I should say almost all are here." "Almost?" "Uh-huh, we have uncovered something." "Corporal LeBeau is missing, sir." "He's escaped?" "Schultz, why didn't you tell me?" "He didn't escape." "He's in my office." "What?" "Someone ask for me?" "There is something afoot here, Klink." "I smell it." "Perhaps we should search your office." "Oh, please do." "I'm so proud of it." "I want you to see how we furnished it in orange crate modern." "No." "You are too eager." "I blew it." "But from now on, my eye will be upon you." "Good." "Good." "By the way, Commandant, I have some bad news for you." "Somebody else is going to take your part." "What part?" "In our play tonight." "We thought you were a little short." "Hogan, I have no intention of playing it!" "You will play it." "I'll play it!" "I will?" "If this man wants you out," "I want you in to watch what is going on." "Years of understanding the criminal mind." "You cannot compete against it." "I wouldn't even try." "( hammering )" "( sighs )" "We'll use this one, Kinch." "Right." "( sawing )" "Reverend?" "Yes?" "Uh, Commandant, you have had stage experience, haven't you?" "Of course, of course." "What was your last part?" "Peter Pan." "But that was some time ago." "Well, once you've got it, you never lose it." "Boucher?" "Look, we haven't had a chance to rehearse so I'll give it to you now." "You're going to be the groom... and this is your bride." "Now, this is the bride's mother and father." "Hogan!" "Oh, yes, the commandant will marry you." "I do not recall giving permission to Fraulein Hilda to be part of this." "You can kiss the bride." "Oh." "Now, the bride's veil will be down and all during the ceremony, you think you're marrying someone else." "It's only when you lift the veil to kiss her, that you see that it's the one you really love, the one they told you had run out on you, but now you know she didn't." "Do you follow me?" "I don't think so." "You will." "Now, the impact of the scene is the look on your face when you turn the bride away from the commandant and lift her veil like this." "Shall I try it?" "Don't waste it." "It's curtain time." "Hilda, you better fix your veil." "Jawohl, mein Colonel." "Good luck." "Carter?" "Oh, you never looked more beautiful." "Thank you, Colonel." "You're superb, Newkirk." "You're not just saying that, sir?" "No." "Commandant, tonight you make them forget all about Peter Pan." "Major, shall we go out front and watch the show?" "Good luck." "( cheers and applause )" "( booing )" "Boo." "Boo." "Boo!" "( booing continues )" "So far it's going well, don't you think?" "We shall see." "( "Wedding March" playing )" "( cheering and applause )" "( laughing )" "( applause )" "It's going to be a beautiful wedding." "Will the, uh... will the couple please join hands?" "And now, do you..." "Suzanne." "KLINK:" "...take this man to be your lawful wedded husband, to love, honor and cherish till death do you part?" "I do." "KLINK:" "And do you..." "Uh, uh, Claude." "...take this woman to have and to hold, from this day forward, till death do you part?" "I do." "Then by the authority vested in me," "I now pronounce you man and wife." "You may kiss the bride." "( cheering )" "Wasn't it marvelous?" "What was it?" "Bravo!" "Author!" "Author!" "( booing )" "( booing continues )" "I am telling you, Klink, that something was going on last night." "I smell it!" "Major, nothing happened." "There was a show." "True, the performance declined in quality after my little sketch, but... nothing happened." "Schultz." "You kept Boucher in sight every minute during the rest of the show?" "Me, Herr Major?" "I was supposed to?" "Schultz!" "Fraulein Hilda." "You saw what Boucher was doing at all times during the evening?" "You know how it is, Major." "Once a woman marries a man, some of the interest is gone." "( chuckling )" "Yes." "Quite right, eh?" "Well, perhaps nothing happened after all." "Heh." "Bring him in." "Jawohl, Herr Major." "Boucher!" "Good morning, Lieutenant." "I hope you enjoyed performing again last night." "Oh, yes, sir." "Thank you sir." "Oh, it was nothing, nothing." "We're your friends, no?" "Of course." "Definitely." "HOCHSTETTER:" "Good, good." "Then, just between friends, perhaps this morning you are ready to give us the position of that air base, eh?" "Well, I can tell you that..." "I can tell you that my name is Claude Boucher." "That my rank is first lieutenant." "That my serial number is 42105513." "That is all." "All?" "!" "All?" "!" "All." "May I be excused, sir?" "No!" "If that is your attitude," "I shall take you back to Berlin with me and force the information out of you!" "I'm afraid Hermann Goering wouldn't approve of that, sir." "You know, we've got a lot more of his fly boys in English camps than he has of ours." "You stay out of this!" "KLINK:" "Major Hochstetter, it is true that any transfer of prisoners has to be passed on by Luftwaffe headquarters, and then... ( yelling )" "May I be excused now, sir?" "Go!" "What do I care?" "!" "I doubt if the Luftwaffe could scrape together enough planes to bomb your air base anyway!" "What do you want, Hogan?" "Yes, what do you want, Hogan?" "I wanted to give you the overnight reaction of the critics, sir, on the performance." "Yes?" "Well, they all loved the girl and the boy, they split about half and half on the mother and father." "And... me?" "Sorry, sir." "Too German-looking." ""(End of Episode)""