"So, this morning, I looked in the mirror and I realized" "I don't have a job, a girlfriend, or any money in the bank." "And if I'm not careful," "I could become a failure." "Uh, "become"?" "Lacey, Nolan's being vulnerable." "The least you could do is stop texting while you insult him." "I'm sorry." "Uh, "become"?" "Come on, guys." "This is a support group." "Would anyone care to support Nolan?" "I'll jump in there." "Nolan, I support you 110%." "If you believe you can be a complete failure," "I say go for it." "Thank you, Ed." "All right, all right, enough with this dog pile of support." "Just because you don't have everything you want doesn't mean you're a failure." "Oh, my God." "It so does." "No, no." "It just means you have to try harder." "Look at me." "I have submitted half a dozen research papers, hoping to get a government grant, and so far, nothing." "Do I dwell on it?" "Do I wish bad things on the winners?" "Sometimes." "But I don't consider myself a failure." "Really?" "What are you waiting for?" "You people have lost perspective." "You may not have what you want, but you have what you need." "Oh, yeah." "Easy for you to say." "I'm a man in my late 20s and I have yet to summer on Martha's Vineyard." "And yet you hide your pain for minutes at a time." "Lacey, you still on community service for your probation?" "I have, like, 300 hours left, but I figure I can knock it out in a weekend." "There's a soup kitchen that Sam and I help out on the holidays." "I want you all to spend a couple days there before our next session." " Oh, man." " I can't, I'm busy this weekend." "I have a class in... making up better excuses on the fly." "I'll count it as a full session on your records." "Trust me, it'll be very fulfilling." "See you all next Tuesday." "Are you going with us, Charlie?" "Nah, I got to go back through those research grants and figure out what the hell I'm doing wrong." " I feel like such a..." " Failure?" " No." " Person of little success?" "Closer." "2x20 Charlie Breaks Up With Kate" "Mmm." "You know, they sell those in stores." "Yeah, but have you seen how much they cost?" "It's outrageous." "Yours are much more affordable." "Hey, what do you say you and I go see the roller derby tonight?" "Roller derby." "Sure, then we can swing by Al's Diner and hang out with Ralph Malph and Potsie." "Derby's back, Charles." "It's better than ever." "What more could you ask for than 6-foot-tall ladies with missing teeth elbowing each other into your lap?" "I don't know, teeth." "What else have you got to do?" "You're not hooking up with Kate anymore." "No, we're still friends." "I was thinking of picking up some Chinese and heading over to her place and seeing what happens." "Dude, you had a fight, she got mad, she cut off the sex to make a point." "If you leave her alone, she'll come back." "You know women." "I mean, I don't, but you do." "You know what?" "You're right." "I'm gonna let her come to me." "So, roller derby tonight?" "Yeah, no." "All right." "If you change your mind, meet me there." "How would I find you?" "I'll be the black guy at roller derby." "Coming!" " Hey, Jen." " What are you doing here?" "Well, I think I'm here to pick up our daughter, but if you'd like to keep her, I'd consider a buyout." "Right, she'll be back in a minute." "But this is good." "I have a story to tell you you're gonna love." "Do you remember that guy Sean I was going out with?" "The bozo who told Sam that college was a waste of time?" "Right, that guy." "But you guys had some fun times, right?" "I tried to hit him with a lamp." "Good times." "Well, I have some great news." "He's dead?" "We're back together again!" "Isn't that crazy?" "How crazy is that?" "That is... that... that is crazy." "You're back together with a dead guy." "Charlie, he's different now." "He lost the two Ferraris, the nightclub..." "He's so arrogant." "No, he's not anymore." "He's super humble." "You see?" "You see, that's how arrogant he is." "He can't just be humble, he's got to be super humble." "Ah, Charlie." "Wasn't expecting to see you here today." "Oh, my God." "Zombie attack." "Ah." "I don't know what that means." "It's okay, Sean." "Good to see you." "Yeah, hi." "Good to see you also." " Hey, Dad." " Hey, Sam." "So Sean's taking Sam to run errands now?" "No, I took him." " He let me drive." " You what?" "He gave me my first driving lesson." "She did so good." "You know who she reminds me of?" "Who's that woman?" "The race car driver?" " Oh, with the brown hair." " With the brown hair." " She did commercials for the thing she was..." " Yeah, all those." "Trying to sell, I think." "It was, like, a Dana, was it?" "I know who you mean." " No, it's not." "It's like..." " She's pretty." "Danica Patrick!" "She's very pretty." "I'm gonna go start dinner 'cause that's in the other room." " And I'll help." " Please." "That guy took my daughter on her first driving lesson?" "He's going down." "Pick a lamp." "I had no idea Sean was gonna do that." "Please don't make more of this than it is." "Hey, Dad." "Can I stay here tonight?" "Sean's gonna teach me how to make homemade ravioli." "Sure, sweetie." "Her first ravioli." "Where is my pizza?" "Whatever happened to your "30 minutes or less" policy?" "It ended 20 years ago?" "Well, screw that noise." "I'm..." "I'm sorry." "I'm going through a lot of stuff right now with my girlfriend and my kid." "My ex is dating a douchebag." "Why am I telling you this?" "Just get my pizza here." "Finally." "You're not the pizza." "You're a woman." "Why haven't you answered your phone?" "I've been trying to call." "I'm juggling a lot of things right now." "I'm ordering a pizza and I'm... and that's about it." "So, I talked to Jen today and she told me all about that Sean thing." "That sucks, so I thought maybe you'd want me to come over and hang out with you." "You did?" "Why?" "'Cause I'm your friend and I was concerned." "My friend?" "Come here, buddy." "Hey, Charlie." "What are you doing?" "Oh, please." "I stayed away, you cooled off, and now you're here for a classic booty call." "Don't deny it." "You got here faster than the pizza." "Okay, this was a bad idea." "Good night, I'll see you in session tomorrow." "Or we could talk about it in bed right now." "'Cause isn't that why you're really here?" "No, it isn't." "I'm..." "I'm sorry." "I must've misread things." "Or did I?" "Good night." "Oh, look." "The pizza guy's here." "He obviously wants to have sex with you because he showed up, too." "Oh, my God." "This is horrible." "I can't believe I agreed to do this." "I can't believe you're gonna eat this." "I'm so amazed this is a soup kitchen." "I always thought it was a restaurant." "I've eaten here, like, five times." "It's so sad." "I mean, you look in these people's eyes and you can tell." "Most of them have never had bottle service in the VIP Room." "Sir, you're on the wrong side of the counter." "If you come over here, you'll get yourself a hot meal and some new clothes." "What are you doing, yanking' my nuts?" "I'm not homeless." "He's very proud." "I think you should hose him down and don't take no for an answer." " Let's go, sir." " What in the hell makes you think I'm homeless?" "How long have you been wearing that shirt?" "I don't know." "Maybe a week." "I see." "Would you prefer rice or potatoes?" "Ah, the hell with it." "Give me the spuds." "God bless you, sir." "Boy, when you look around, it really makes you think." ""There but for the grace of God go I."" "Not I. I chose to save my money so I could go to design school and become a fashion designer." "These people, aside from the occasional lunatic, made very poor choices in life." "So you're going to design school, huh?" " Yeah." " Yeah, I went to design school, too." "Can I have a piece of chicken?" "Well, not everybody makes it." "Yeah." "I did." "Yeah, I spent six years working for Hilfiger in his West Coast design shop." "Then I did accessories for Ralph Lauren." " You did?" " Crazy world, huh?" "Hey, can you make sure the bread is soft, 'cause my teeth hurt." "I've missed my last 152 dental appointments." "Can a homeless man get a dessert?" "They're letting me in the shoe room in five minutes." "Dude." "You have any protein powder?" "Why are you screaming at me?" "I brought home a roller derby girl last night and she needs protein powder." "You brought home a roller derby girl?" "I told her I have a smooth driveway." "Nice." "I don't have any protein powder." "Here's some pancake mix." "Blend in some ice cream, she won't know the difference." "Thanks." "You know, I could set you up with one of her giant friends." "Unless Kate came crawling back to you." "No, I thought she did and I might have messed up our friendship." "Well, maybe that's for the best, man." "That situation with you and Kate was no good." "You really believe that?" "Nah, you had sex on demand with a crazy hot biddy who was into the weird." "Sometimes there's no silver lining, Charlie." "Charlie, we need to talk." " Hey, Michael." " Hey, Jen." "I'm out." "I'm off to buy my lady some knee pads." "It's not what you think it's for." "And also it is." "Charlie..." "Sean's really sorry and he wants to take you out for a drink." "Why don't we bring Sam along so he can buy her her first beer?" "He hasn't done that yet... has he?" "Look, he made a mistake." "He doesn't have kids, so he doesn't know better." "I wish he had kids." "I'd take 'em to Disneyland for the first time and go on their first rides and stand in those long lines and buy them overpriced food and..." "I got to find someplace else to take these imaginary kids." "Charlie, I like him." "And I don't want there to be tension between you two." " Please." " Fine." "I'll go, but he's buying." "No, no, you're doing me a favor, so I'm taking care of this one." "Wait a minute." "He's the one who screwed up." "He should be paying for the drinks." "Are you telling me he can't even afford that?" "I'm not telling you anything." "But it's true." "Yes." "Okay, here's 50." "Wow, Diamond Jim." "You cash my alimony check?" "Just came back from the bank." "Let the good times roll." "Ah, here's another 10." "Buy yourself something pretty." "Jen probably talked to you about it already, but I'm really sorry about the whole Sam driving thing." "What can I say?" "I'm a dick." "Finally, something we can agree on." "I don't know anything about kids, you know?" "My parents were terrible, terrible role models." "You know who taught me how to drive?" "My sister's alcoholic mother's husband." " Wouldn't that be your father?" " Yeah." "He sucked so bad, we took away his title." "Yeah, my dad was a real piece of work, too." "First time I ever drove was to take him to the store so he could buy a belt to beat me with." "You got beaten with a store-bought belt?" "That's fancy." "Well, his father beat him with a tree branch." " You always want better for your kids." " It's a step up." "Listen, Sean, all we got to be clear on is that when you're around Sam, just be aware that there's another parent involved, okay?" "You got it." "All right, I... trust me, now that I'm moving in," "I'm not gonna make a move without telling you about it first, all right?" "Thank you." "I'm sorry, you're what?" "You're moving in?" "Yeah." "Jen didn't tell you that?" "Why, no, she did not tell me that." "I mean, you're cool with it, right?" "Am I cool with it?" "Let's see." " Let me run down the cool checklist." " All right." "You got no money, no job," " and you're living in the house that I pay for." " Ahem." "On the other hand, you are super arrogant." "So, no, dude, I am not cool with it." " Check, please." " Okay." "Well, this is super awkward." "Um, listen, Jen gave you enough cash to cover my portion of the tab, right?" "Yeah." "Did she give you a little extra so I could, like, grab a sandwich or something?" "I didn't eat anything." "It's not Jen's money." "It's my money." "And I am this close to taking off my store-bought belt." "Aren't you a little overdressed for a soup kitchen?" "Are you kidding me?" "I'm so boosting morale around here." "Everyone's, like, "This place isn't so bad."" ""Check out that hot piece of ass ladling soup."" "The ironic thing was I felt I was better than everybody else." "Oh, my God." "I felt the same way." "I didn't realize that we're all just a couple of bad breaks away from sleeping on the street." "Oh, I don't sleep on the street." "No, I sleep in an old pipe on a construction site." "But this year I hope to summer at a McDonald's Playland near the beach." "That's your Martha's Vineyard." "Here, please, I have to give you some more money." "No, no, please." "You've done too much already." "I feel guilty that I have so much." "Here's another 20." "It's all I have left." "I got to get back to the line." "You know, I envy you, Patrick." "I wish someone had told me that pride comes before a fall." "Or, in our case, before the fall collection." "Auf Wiedersehen." "Ed, come on." "You're supposed to be working here." "Who died and put you in charge?" "I don't have to serve here." "I served in a little soup kitchen called Vietnam." "The only difference was, in 'Nam, pajamas were free." "But you had to kill the people in 'em." "Hey." "What do you want?" "Did I hear you say you served in 'Nam?" "Which branch?" "Army." "Me, too." "Desert Storm." "Loved to serve, but... sure was a long way from Texas." "Texas is your home, too?" "When I had a home." "Oh, gee, I'm sorry." "Thanks for coming, but please tell Caroline that I can't help her with her fear of leaving her house if she keeps sending her assistant in to do her therapy sessions for her." " Hey, Charlie." " Hey." "Listen, I'm really sorry about the other night." "And I get it." "Sex is off the table... and the floor and the roof of your building." "All the usual places." "Thanks and I get it." "I mean, this new dynamic in our friendship is making things a little confusing, so why don't we just go in and deal with the other issues in your life, not you and me." "No problem." "Believe me, I got plenty to talk about." "So, tell me what's going on." " You're ruining my life." " Okay, didn't I just..." "I'm kidding." "It was a joke." "Here's the big headline." "Unemployed Sean is moving in with alimony Jen." "Oh, wow." "Well, you must really resent that." "But it's her life and her choices and you have to accept that." "I know I should, but I can't." "Why am I always attracted to women who don't have the sense to know who they should or shouldn't be with?" " Whoa, whoa, whoa." " What?" "That wasn't just about Jen." "That was about you and me." "Oh, right, I'm sorry." "I didn't realize I was doing that." "I will keep them separate." "Here we go." "Jen made a decision that I don't agree with at all, but it affects me and I have no say in the matter." "How come you women don't give a crap about anyone's feelings but your own?" "Hold it, hold it, hold it." "What?" "You're including me again." "Oh, my God." "I'm so sorry." "Obviously, our relationship or lack of one is weighing heavily on me and it's bleeding through." "But I'm aware of it now and I've got a handle on it, so I think we can continue." "Well said." "Thank you." "Now, what is your issue with Jen?" "Well, it's very simple." "What the hell is your problem, lady?" "We should have sex and be together!" "That time I knew what I was doing." "Hey, guys." "You wrote down your favorite childhood reading and hopefully that will help us explore some core issues." "Ernesto, you said... your dad's "Playboys" from the 1980s." "The women were mesmerizing." "And I also learned a lot about where to place my living room speakers." "Donovan, you said, "Oh, the Places You'll Go!"" "I sure wish Dr. Seuss woulda written a book about the places I shouldn't have gone." "Like a gas station with a gun in my hand." "Or Disneyland." "$10 for a piece of pizza and I'm in jail." "You carjacked a bus." "They overcharge for pepperoni." "I still agree with you." "Wayne, you said "Alice in Wonderland."" "I've always loved that book." "There's just something special about a little girl who falls down a hole and can't get out." "Congratulations, Wayne." "You just made a creepy book a whole lot creepier." "What books did you read as a kid, Charlie?" "Comic books." "Mostly "Batman."" "Riddle me this, Charlie." "If Batman catches the Joker every time, why doesn't the Joker move to a different city?" " Because the Joker's insane." " Mm." "And the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result." "That is true." "I kept killing people, hoping the voices would stop." "Never worked." "That is a perfect example, Wayne." "And I know you don't hear the voices anymore, considering you're on enough Thorazine to kill a baby elephant." "I am?" "And that kind of destructive behavior is not just limited to killing sprees." "Oh, guilty as charged." "When I first got locked up, I had a crush on a young man." "He had problems." "But no matter what I did, he would not change, so I had to just walk away." "Granted, he was in the same cell, so it was only, like, four feet." "But you get what I'm saying." "Who is it?" "I'll kill him." "Oh, Donovan." "You already did." "Well, not everybody's as healthy as you, Cleo." "Some people never walk away." "Some people just keep banging their head against the wall over and over until they finally realize that... she's never gonna change." "When did they give it to me?" "Is it in the waffles?" "You're the only one that gets waffles, Wayne." "Then, probably." "You got a minute?" "Oh, Charlie, hey." "I was just gonna give you a call." "You got to read this." "I will read this when I wanna read this." "And I will talk when I wanna talk and I wanna talk now." "You shut down our relationship." "I feel hurt and rejected and I cannot stand here and pretend like anything we do here is gonna make me feel better when just looking at you makes me feel like crap." "I realize that the healthy thing is for me to move on." "I don't want to see you." "I don't want to talk to you." " We're done." " Okay." " Are you finished?" " Yes." "Now read the paper." "Damn it." "It's all about you, isn't it?" "It's all about what you want... and the fact that we got the big research grant we applied for and we're gonna be working together for the next six months." "Aren't you excited?" "Sync and corrections by atrn97g"