"special H. IndustriaI-strength oestrogen." "HRT." "Doesn't matter what you call it." "This is gonna buy us condos in the Caymans." " To CaIais." " To CaIais." "If we pack now, we can be in New York by nine." "It's not our money, jewel." "relax, darling." "I'm only looking after it." " I really think you should put it back." " No, bill." "I think a higher force is telling us to use this money to start a new life together." "Somewhere pure and simple." "Like St Tropez." "OK, Iet's start with transport." "You and I in the people carrier, Joyce and lillian follow in the macho van." "Weapons?" "Too risky with armed police on high alert for terrorists." "You mean we're going unarmed?" "LiIIian, we're about to do a deal with a MarseiIIes crime cartel." " Not collect loyalty card points." " Crossbows." " will they damage?" " kill a goat at 200 feet." "And they sell them in French hypermarkets." "hello, darling." "There's a rocket and parmesan salad in the fridge." "Do not use the car or my facial sauna, please." "Oh, shit." "Bonjour, Joyce, you lucky girl." "Once again you've won a prize in the camilla Diamond Keep Your Husband alive competition." "You are going on a day trip to calais to buy a huge quantity of hardcore drugs from one of Europe's most dangerous men." "So grab your passport, darling." "We'II be picking you up in cinq minutes." "Bye." " Promise me you'II look after bill." " Of course." "And you've got to look after your father while I'm gone." "I've tried to be a good mother, bill." "I'II miss you both so much." "I think we'II manage to feed and water ourselves while you get some duty-free." "When will this nightmare end, lillian?" "When will it ever end?" "I'm doing my best to carry on with this whole charade but I am now very, very near to breaking point." "I just want to say, Joyce, if it all goes tits up today," "I'd Iike you to have my throwing knives." "Now be a good girl and pass me a travel mint, would you?" "Why would two rough-arsed teenagers be cleaning up dog turds?" "They haven't even got a dog with them." "Best turn a blind eye, sir." " hello, Barbara." "hello, Pam." " Inspector Jerry, hi." "I wouldn't have thought cleaning up dog muck was your kind of spectator sport." "Oh, we like the simple life in little Stempington." "We're going to pop in and see Joyce, drop off some of Margaret's carrot cake." " It's ever so moist." " I'm afraid you're out of luck there, ladies." "She's gone on a day-shopper to France." "Taken a lorry with them too so goodness knows what they're bringing back." "Eight letters meaning jam." "Ditch the crossword, Marge." "Joyce is clearly in trouble." "Why else would she go AWOL?" "They must have seriously threatened Jerry." "We're about to enter a combat zone with nothing but a hairbrush and a carrot cake for protection!" " And guns." " What?" "They're in the cool box in the boot." "Two Uzis and the big black ones that never hit what you want them to." "That depends on who's firing them." "We will never clear customs with an arsenal on board." "What the bloody hell were you thinking?" "MS jackets?" "Copy of the daily mail?" "They won't stop us." "could you both step out of the vehicle, please?" "Rather a Iarge van for two ladies on a day trip, isn't it?" " You got a problem with that?" " We're shopping." " really?" " Cheese, wine, saucissons." "And 60,000 industriaI-strength hormone replacement patches." "OK." "On your way." "I just thought it wouId be safer in my bag than in Mummy's." "But what on earth would your mum be doing with that kind of money?" " It's charity money." " Charity money?" "Mummy's raised thousands of pounds." "She's probably just hiding it so Daddy doesn't spend it." "It just doesn't add up." "There's something more sinister afoot here, jewel." "You haven't spent any, have you?" " only a little bit." " How much?" "Don't be cross." "You're very quiet, Joyce." "I'm scared I'II never see bill or Jeremy again." "Why?" "Are they going hang-gIiding or something?" "You know very well what I mean." " Do you know what I think?" " What?" "I think deep down you're secretly enjoying the thrill of it all." "What will we once they've got the drugs?" "Break into the van on the way back, chuck the oestrogen over the side." " What about the fish?" " Fuck the fish!" " Language, Pam." " They might grow boobs." "Don't be soft, Marge." "So it actually might increase cod stocks." "Shut up, Margaret!" "(Man on PA) Ladies and gentlemen, we'll shortly be arriving at Calais." "OK, girls." "Zero hour has almost arrived, and the point where our collective destiny shifts from Primark to Prada is upon us." "So if anybody needs the lavatory, this is the Iast chance to do it without squatting." " This must be the place." " What are we gonna do now?" "Watch and learn, Pam." "Watch and learn." " How much have you spent?" " only about nine." "Nine...hundred...pounds?" "Thousand." " We're in deep shit here, jewel." " Don't be such a drama queen." "I just hope I'm a Iong way away when the rightful owner finds out we've replaced their money with a pile of your dad's old caravan magazines." "Good afternoon, ladies." "So nice of you to join us on French soil." "I see your nipples need a little teasing today, Joyce." "I'm sure the merchandise will do the trick." "Show me the money first." "It makes a pleasant change doing business with english ladies." "Christophe, vérifie Ie sac." "What the fuck is this?" " But it was filled with money!" " Very funny." "But I'm not in the market for a used caravan." "So, if you don't mind, I think I'm going to kill you instead." "Except for you, Joyce." "You I'm going to keep for my own personal crack whore." "Take one more step and you get a bolt in your spleen." "I Iike your balls more than your hairstyle." "But you're still one incredibly stupid vache." " Ohh!" " Sorry!" "I don't think this is a good idea at all." "It's the only idea, jewel." "We should have done it as soon as we found the money." "But I want champagne, Jacuzzis and Mexico!" "Matching Maori tattoos in the Bay of islands." "No!" "We've got to talk to my dad." "Thanks for stepping in." "I was in the area anyway." " Don't suppose I deserve it." " No." "But Joyce does." "Anyway, despite what you've done to me, MiIIie," "I couldn't stomach even you being killed by a group of swarthy garlic munchers." "You won't be living very long when I get a Band-Aid on this." "I'II hunt you down and when I find you..." "I don't think you're in a position to be threatening me right now." "Do you?" " Sorry to interrupt." "Your son's here." " Oh, really?" "Accompanied by a young lady with overt sexual body language." " Better send them in." " I've put them in an interview room." "Better knock before you go in." "Right." "You're both under arrest." "But I'II let you off with a caution if you wash the car." "Hi, Dad." "We've come to tell you something really big." "Sounds serious." "Not getting married, are you?" " No." " Fire away then." "bill smoked cannabis last week on Stempington Common." "Is this true, son?" "Sorry to interrupt but there's some info coming through relating to a sighting of our French friend, sir." "We'II talk about this later." "Everything all right, sir?" " How could you do that?" " How could you throw away our nest egg?" "Dad will never believe we just found this now he thinks I'm a drug abuser." " Let's just keep the money." " I'II keep the money." "It'II be much safer in my bedroom than yours." "Safe is boring." "The Yard have finally processed all the CCTV footage, sir, and this is our man, EmiIe Lesoux." "Caught on camera at the local service station car park." "Hardcore international drug dealer, sir." "Look at that face, Haines." "There's a face of pure evil." "Wonder if he smokes cannabis, sir." "Remember the drug dealer we shot in the boot of his Mercedes with his pit bull terrier?" "And the amusement arcade we torched with that gas cylinder from the barbecue." "Oh, Barb, that was a lovely touch." "Happy days." "It could be like that again." "I wonder what they're talking about." "I don't know but I don't feel comfortable." "Neither would I if I'd just shot a French thug in the knackers." "Best shut up unless you want to be brushing with Sterodent from now on." "Yeah?" "In the spirit of détente," "I wonder if you could both just shut the fuck up." "little Stempington's changing." "Kebab-eating Sky plus viewers have been bussed in from God knows where." "The two of us could send them back where they came from." "Or control them in another way." " With your super-strength oestrogen." " It's worth a try, surely." "I don't want that vile stuff within the parish boundary." "I hope I'm not going to regret doing that." "You won't." "I'II ask LiIIian to feed the rest to the fish." "So sorry to interrupt." "Now you're together I thought this would be a marvellous opportunity to let bygones be bygones and ask you if, when we get back home, well, that that might possibly be it for me." "Thank you so much, Joyce." "I'II talk to you tomorrow, OK?" "It's not unheard of for a police officer's son to go bad, sir." "I wouldn't exactly call using cannabis once going bad." "well, we think we know our kids, but do we really, sir?" "I think I know my son pretty well, Haines." "I'm sure you're right, sir." "although a lad in my class at school had a tattoo of celine Dion done on his back and his parents had no idea there was a problem until he became a rent boy." "Looks like a random check, Barb." "Want me to hang around?" "No, you take off." "I'm sure it won't take long." "Hope Barb's remembered to freshen up down below." "Customs officers have a hard enough job." "I wonder how long they'II take to find the animal pornography." "Right, ladies. 300 grand's worth of industriaI-strength oestrogen." "I can't believe that Barbara honestly thought I'd give it all up." "This is going to be so much fun." "Yeah." "Right until Sascha DisteI turns up with a Sten gun." "Don't look so worried, Joyce." "Soon be at home with a mug of HorIicks." "Jeremy!" "God, you gave me a fright." "Why are you sitting in the dark?" "Where's bill?" "bill's asleep upstairs." " How was France?" " Quite tiring." " Did you get any duty-free?" " Duty-free?" " Thought not." " Jeremy, what's wrong?" "Hello,Joyce." "Lovely to see you today." "So sad you had to leave so soon." "But I can ride the pain of your departure as I know we're going to see each other again very soon." "Only next time, I will be on top." "Au revoir, Joyce." "How long have you been having an affair?" "I'm not!" "I..." "That's just a cheese merchant camilla and I visited today." "Went mad and bought an enormous quantity of camembert." "He said he'd get it delivered." " You know what the French are like." " I want to believe you, Joyce." "But all my police instincts are telling me different." " hello?" " You can run, Joyce HazIedine, but the scent of your fear will guarantee I track you down and exact my bloody vengeance." "No, thank you, we've already got a conservatory."