"This is the onion news network, a 24 hour non-stop news assault." "Here is some stories we're tracking in our news radar right now." "In Beijing, over 20,000 people have been executed for their role in an earthquake," "Oscar winner, George Clooney, has written a new book that identifies 18 signs your wife is cheating on you with George Clooney, and world leaders have gathered for the annual hand shaking summit." "I'm Brooke Alvarez." "Relax your muscles, you're entering "the fact zone."" "This is "the fact zone,"" "coming to you live from our news bunker in an undisclosed location, and we are standing by for embattled Mississippi congressmen Ronald north to address reporters any minute now." "North, an extremely vocal opponent of gay marriage, drew fire during his 2010 reelection campaign by saying that the legalization of gay marriage would lead to man-horse marriages." "In one instance, he told" ""the new haven register"" "quote..." "But yesterday north found himself at the center of a media firestorm when" ""the New York times" published photos of north on what appears to be romantic outings with a horse." "Gathered during "the times"" "two month investigation, the pictures show north in almost a dozen locations with the same three year old mare." "A former aid interviewed by "the times" said earlier this year, he accidentally discovered links to numerous horse-related sites, on north's work computer." ""The times" is accusing north of using federal funds to pay for luxurious trips, including a three night stay at the high end sueno stables in catalonia, Spain last month." "North released a statement yesterday claiming he only spent time with the horse twice while conducting research for his anti-gay marriage project." "But north's neighbor's have questioned that." "He bought her a top of the line trailer." "You don't do that for a horse you're just friends with." "He told me he hired a horse to help him around the house, but I knew something weird was goin' on." "I shouldn't take a horse five hours to clean a pool, you know what I mean?" "You know what I mean?" "Thank God my husband," "Thomas pynchon, is unfailingly loyal to me." "We'll have the north press conference for you live as soon as it begins, but right now, let's go to our top story." "The supreme court handed down an historic decision this morning, ruling unanimously that the first amendment does not apply to tom Becker of Phoenix, Arizona." "For more now, we're joined by onion news network" "Washington correspondent," "Jane Carmichael." "Jane, obviously an unprecedented decision here." "Take us through the timeline." "Well, uh, the class action law suit was brought before a ninth circuit judge by a coalition of Mr. Becker's coworkers, neighbors, and family members who said his continued right to free speech was causing them emotional distress." "They presented several videotapes of Mr. Becker to the court as evidence." "Well, let's take a look at those now." "At those now." "I had to wait at the airport for six hours." "Do you understand?" "This was back when I'm running my real estate business, so every minute" "I'm there, I'm losing deals." "Oh, yeah, I'm a huge motorcycle guy!" "Them mold spores get in your lungs, you're dead." "That's why I always say," "I will never live in a house with carpeting." "Now Mr. Becker, himself, testified before the supreme court yesterday, right?" "Yes." "According to sources close to the court, that was really what solidified the court's decision." "Mr. Becker delivered a rambling three hour testimony in which he digressed into a pointless" "45 minute story about moving a washing machine by himself, his opinion that organic food is a rip off, and multiple remarks about the supreme court's chambers not being as, quote," ""classy looking"" "as he assumed they'd be." "He said several times that he had stayed in hotels in" "Las Vegas that were way nicer." "Following that, the decision to remove" "Mr. Becker's first amendment right took only about a minute and a half." "In his majority opinion, chief justice Roberts wrote..." "Totally understandable." "And then they went with that first option." "They did." "That's right." "And Mr. Becker may now legally speak aloud only after writing down what he wants to say and having it approved by an independent arbiter." "By an independent arbiter." "All right, Jane Carmichael, thank you for the update." "And keep your head up." "You're doing a really, really great job out there." "Uh, thank you, Brooke." "Analysts expect this ruling could be the first step towards a nationwide requirement that Americans undergo a five day waiting period before entering an opinion of any kind." "Well, it's that time of year when love is in the air." "This morning, "today now's"" "Jim Haggerty took a little field trip to witness one of the nation's favorite" "Valentine's traditions, that annual public stoning of a disgustingly happy couple." "Take a look." "Take a look." "There are more than 200 people gathered here at this downtown park in fort" "Collins, Colorado." "Each of them with a rock and a brick, ready to throw at this year's nauseatingly perfect couple, Ben trump and Allison Benzington." "And Allison Benzington." "Now this gazebo here is where Ben and Allison shared their first kiss beginning their intolerable relationship." "So, of course, this is where they'll both be stoned to death today." "Be stoned to death today." "Oh, now, we're seeing some photos of Ben and Allison here." "They really do look like the kind of couple you wanna see pounded into a bloody pulp by rocks." "Oh, they are the worst," "Tracy." "Tracy." "People tell me they never see one without the other and that they're always walking down the street with their hands in each other's back pockets, constantly calling each other "babe."" "Well, now, a little twist on this year's stoning is that this couple was chosen through "Facebook."" "That's right, Tracy." "To nominate a couple, all you had to do is submit" "20 photographs the couple had posted of themselves kissing or wearing matching funny hats or staring into each other's eyes." "There were over 30,000 nominations, and of course, we wish we could stone them all to death, but the judges could only pick one couple." "What made Ben and Allison the winners, I'm told, is their shared voicemail message in which they both alternate saying the words in the message." "I think we have that, don't we?" "Let's take a listen." "Let's take a listen." "You've..." "Reached..." "Ben... and Allison!" "Please... leave... us... a... message!" "Have a great day!" "Have a great day!" "Oh, horrible." "Uh, Jim, what do you do when all these people... oh, wait a second!" "I'm being told that Ben and Allison are being brought into the stoning circle right now." "All the energy in the air here is just electric, Tracy." "Oh, and here comes the lucky girl that gets to throw the first stone, Janey Ketner!" "Now Janey was recently dumped by her boyfriend in a text message and this was on the same day her best friend got married, right?" "Right." "So she is the perfect choice." "And I believe she's-she's winding up." "It's on!" "Stone 'em!" "Yeah, very cathartic." "Excuse me for a minute, Tracy!" "I'm gonna get in there myself." "Go get 'em, Jim!" "Go get 'em, Jim!" "Make sure to check back in with us on February 14th when the onion news network will broadcast the traditional Valentine's day burning of the happy couple's corpses live." "Okay... if you're feeling light-headed, take a breather." ""The fact zone" will be back in a minute." "Keep your hands where I can see them and get inside" ""the fact zone."" "And now an update on the ongoing situation in" "Bentonville, west Virginia." "A group of miners, apparently the entire employee roster of the Kennybrook coal mine, are still trapped in dangerous back-breaking mining jobs." "This, under an hour ago, all 421 miners employed at Kennybrook were denied a pay raise." "Now friends and family of those trapped in the jobs have already gathered around the mouth of the mine, hoping and praying that these miners somehow make it out before losing the best years of their lives to horrible, thankless work." "Hoping and praying and wishing that something else comes up." "Maybe... maybe a job at a gas station." "A job at a gas station." "Let's go to Brian Scott now live on the scene for more." "Brian, what is the situation there?" "The situation there?" "Well, Brooke, the tension here is growing." "These miners have been trapped in these hellish jobs for two to 37 years, and every additional year just increases the chances that they'll never get out before retirement." "Now, Brian, we did hear reports that, uh, some of the miners, two of the miners actually, were rescued this afternoon?" "Yeah, there was one bit of good news when 18 year old" "Terry coolidge and 19 year old Vic Hanserd emerged from the mine after an overnight shift and announced that they'd be joining the army." "Okay, that's very moving, but, uh, Brian, are there rescue efforts underway to rescue the rest of the trapped miners?" "Well, officials are hoping to send a robotic probe into the mine to find the remaining miners and-and allow rescuers to offer career advice over the radio, but if that's not possible, Brooke, things could get very bad." "Has the Kennybrook corporation issued any kind of apology so far to these families?" "Yes, the company has apologized to all the victims for robbing them of what could've been healthy productive careers above ground." "And they say they'll continue to apologize periodically for as many decades as the miners remain trapped." "All right, thank you so much." "Keep us updated, please." "Thanks, Brooke." "Thanks, Brooke." "Now let's go to Tucker hope for the daily briefing." "Okay, so let's start in Iran, where after a train derailment near the town of fasa injured nearly" "30 passengers this morning, the United States immediately pledged to send" "45,000 soldiers to help with relief efforts." "But our plan is to strike quickly and help them out before they know what hit them." "We've already deployed six platoons to carry, uh, bandages, 500 tanks to bring water, and 350 stealth bombers are currently over tehran in case anyone needs them." "In case anyone needs them." "The white house announced that the U.S. is fully committed to making sure everyone who was injured makes a full recovery, even if it means leaving our troops there for five to ten years." "For five to ten years." "Next up on the wall, this morning, the white house made the announcement that the nation's repairman, Ron, will be coming by to fix the nation's infrastructure sometime between noon and 8:00 P.M. tomorrow." "He'll likely be fixing roads, uh, reinforcing Bridges in the midwest and Mountain regions, and, uh, and rewiring the national power grid, during which time he says he'll try his best to stay out" "of the nation's hair." "Now the nation doesn't have to do anything." "We're just telling you so you aren't surprised if you, uh, if you see someone poking around the country." "Okay." "Ron estimates the day's work will cost the country no more than 140 billion dollars, assuming he doesn't have to order away for any parts." "And some big news for gadget junkies." "Tomorrow apple will be releasing yet another must-have new product." "The "lhand."" "The state of the art prosthesis, which attaches to the stump of your wrist, can play music, receive email, and even interface with other apple products." "Mac fans are already chopping off their hands in anticipation of tomorrow's release." "Of tomorrow's release." "Uh, so the apple "lhand"" "comes out tomorrow, um, and I can't wait." "Uh, I preordered it two months ago and sawed my hand off this afternoon, and I'm going to the apple store tomorrow morning to pick it up." "I'm going to get the "thumbs up" ap." "Thanks, Tucker." "What do you think?" "Are you gonna get one of those "ihands?"" "I don't think I'd be able to work the touch screen and that's my top priority." "Yeah, of course." "All right, we go live now to congressman Ronald north who has just started addressing reporters about his alleged relationship with a horse." "Relationship with a horse." "I will be undergoing intensive counseling, and with support of God and my bi-pedaled human wife," "I will overcome this problem." "I still believe that gay marriage is wrong and that man-horse relationships are wrong." "No matter wonderful, loyal, lustrous, Chestnut brown that horse may be." "This began innocently." "I never intended to start this relationship." "It was just a simple trot along the beach." "To my wife, children," "I want to say that I'm sorry that I lied to you about where I was going." "I always had those sugar cubes in my pocket." "And lastly, I would ask everyone to please respect the privacy of juniper." "She is a good horse." "She is a strong horse." "She's done nothing wrong." "The only thing she's guilty of is opening her heart to me." "Of is opening her heart to me." "The press has, of course, been speculating that the horse in question was this juniper, a palomino from Jackson, Mississippi." "When asked by reporters whether she was in love with the congressman, she gave two clomps for "yes."" "And now, the battle to legalize medical marijuana is heating up across the country." "Our onion news network medical correspondent" "Alex Edelman filed this report about the controversial issue." "The controversial issue." "Thanks, Brooke." "To some, smoking marijuana to relieve pain sounds like an idea thought up by" "Bob Marley, not a doctor." "But the push to legalize marijuana is gaining momentum, and doctor's say these prescription doobies will do a whole lot more, than just give patients a case of the munchies." "Proponents are hyping up to say that medical marijuana can help patients with some of the "chronic" illnesses that have been majorly killing their buzz." "To those who are sick and dying, this may be very groovy news, indeed." "Prescribing medical marijuana to patients with terminal illnesses is often preferable to more traditional forms of pain management." "Unfortunately, 36 U.S. states are still not a "kind bud"" "of the legalization argument." "But in states that do have the plan, the result have been, well, pretty far out, man." "To help him cope with the total bummer of stomach cancer," "Fred galen took the trippy advice of his doctor and sought out the second opinion of doctor feel good." "Hey, high five." "How's that girlfriend of yours?" "Girlfriend?" "Mary Jane, helping' ya take the edge off of cancer." "Actually, marijuana is making my final months more comfortable." "Oh, yeah, I bet." ""What a long, strange trip" ""it's been," huh?" "What, do you mean "cancer?"" "Cancer." "Yeah, it has." "Even though I'm dying, the state's still saying they might prosecute me, and, um, it's crazy, and it's not fair." "It's reefer sadness." "It's reefer sadness." "Patients nationwide are "bluntly" asking state legislators to finally mellow out and let them score some primo prescription pot, so that they and their doctors can work "jointly"" "to stop the suffering that's making a "hash"" "of their lives." "So it's clearly an issue that means a lot to these patients?" "It is, Brooke." "So states should en-"toke"" "their time with this policy." ""Weed" be upset if patients had to wait a "bong" time." "Thank you, Alex." "It's interesting to learn that marijuana can help patients by getting them high." "You wouldn't think that a "drug" could act as a "medicine" for "cancer."" "All right, we're gonna take a short break." "But first, let's take a look at some of your Twitter responses to the announcement by authorities investigating the wreckage of a 747 that exploded over" "Portland, Oregon." "The pilot of the craft might have been too charred to fly." "@girlwithtail says, quote..." "And @jasonsheier agrees." "He tweets..." "Always so insightful to hear from our viewers there in the twittersphere." "Stick around." "We'll be right back." "You are back in "the fact zone."" "Don't forget, tomorrow night" "Andrea Bennett will be reporting to us live from Jamaica where that non-Kahlua mudslide has killed over 200 people." "Now as regular "fact zone"" "viewers know, we like to shift our focus from the stories that matter to what's happening out there in cities and towns all across America." "Today's "eye on the nation"" "comes to us from onion news network local affiliate wonn-5 in pennington, Illinois." "Well, the day the entire town of pennington has been waiting for is finally here." "That's right," "Carl, who went to live with his sister in Indiana following that check forging incident, has returned." "And citizens are not anxiously awaiting the major brawl expected between him and Jerry." "According to sources close to Carl, when Carl heard that Jerry had been hooking up with Megan, he went ballistic." "Locals are already gathering at Tuffy's tavern where Carl is expected to come looking for Jerry at eight P.M." "When Jerry shift at" "Kranowicz heating and cooling is over." "It may affect the salvation army crew." "At a press conference this afternoon, mayor sue Hallinan said a police detail would be on hand to divert traffic from Ryerson street between eight P.M. and two A.M." "Today we welcome everyone in pennington to enjoy the fight in a responsible and respectful manner, and let me just say, go Carl!" "Downtn businesses have been selling fight related souvenirs all this week, and several vendors are already setting up shop outside" "Tuffy's to cater to the crowd." "Well, you know, uh," "Carl broke Steve's nose for sellin' that car with the cracked engine block." "I ran out of hot dogs in, like, an hour, so, uh, and that was way before Tammy came out and got all nutso, and Steven was like," ""you're not a man." ""You're a child." ""Frank's more of a man than" ""you and he can't even walk."" "And we're getting word that the pennington blueberry queen is also planning to attend the fight." "But as we all know, the blueberry queen is Megan, so it might do more harm than good." "Should be a lot of fun, dianne." "Yeah, sounds like it." "Yeah, sounds like it." "I think it's so great that small towns are still allowed to exist." "Okay, now as Tucker would be more than happy to remind you, black history month is here, and to honor the occasion, let's take a look at a pivotal day in the civil rights movement in today's" ""this day in history."" "Tucker." "It was on this day in 1964 that the house passed the historic civil rights act mandating that racism be made less obvious." "President lyndon b." "Johnson signed the bill into law just five months later." "The bill was cause for momentous change and across the nation, millions celebrated." "Millions celebrated." "The day is finally here." "Uh, people can no longer blatantly deny us jobs because of the color of our skin." "They have to actually pretend like they considered hiring us." "Free at last." "Free at last." "Thank God, we're free at last." "Except for a vast network of highly complicated systems that work in hard to define ways but undeniably put us at a disadvantage." "It was the culmination of the fight of" "Dr. Martin Luther King, junior, who in his famous speech on the steps of the Lincoln memorial said..." "Brooke." "Yeah, it's stories like these that make me wonder what African Americans are complaining about these days." "Thanks so much for reporting it, Tucker." "Any chance I get to talk about black history month is an honor." "When I was a kid, for Halloween, I dressed up as Harriet tubman three years in a row." "Right." "You mentioned that." "You mentioned that." "And we have another breaking news blast on the Ronald north scandal coming to us." "A video has surfaced appears to have been taken by the Mississippi congressman himself." "Now I have to warn you that some viewers may find this disturbing." "Let's take a look." "No response on the video from north as of yet." "All right, we have to take a quick commercial break now, but when we come back, we'll take a look at how the whitehouse is responding to allegations that Obama is really anansi, the west-African trickster God." "Welcome back to "the fact zone,"" "an ammunition depot where the soldiers of truth are armed with the deadliest fact." "We now go back to a story we've been foltowing in Los Angeles." "Onion news network entertainment reporter medicine daily is live with us now, but I don't think we'll be needing her." "Some good news at last for little suri cruise who's been harassed by a steady stream of time traveling soldiers all month long." "All month long." "Her Hollywood neighbors are pitching in to make sure the famous five year old stays safe and sound." "It's all been organized by her ever protective father, tom, who has constructed a 200 foot tall black vibrating obelisk that apparently relays instructions about what everyone should do to keep little suri out of harm's way." "Within just a few days, the "protect suri program" has already attracted thousands of willing volunteers." "We talked to one of the helpful neighbors today." "The helpful neighbors today." "Long live the almighty suri." "None shall deter her." "All those who try shall perish." "My life her is..." "My life for her is..." "My life for her is..." "So great to see a community coming together like that." "Coming together like that." "And in a fun related story, archaeologists in Egypt have reportedly discovered an ancient statue that appears to be some sort of tribute to suri." "Very sweet." "Best of luck to that little girl in the future." "Okay, now you may remember last week when I very briefly mentioned the so-called serial killer who's trying to get coverage on this show with his amateurish antics." "Well, we got word earlier that someone strangled" "14 homeless men to death and arranged them in the shape of "the fact zone"" "logo last night." "All I have to say is "nice try, buddy."" "Name dropping won't get you anywhere." "Now it's time to head over to" ""the cressbeckler stance."" "Joad, I understand you're officially supporting a candidate for president now." "A candidate for president now." "I am, indeed, ma'am!" "Now my brother Clayton, he don't know much about government, but he can shoot a dog that's foaming' at the mouth from 60 paces, and that makes him good enough to be my president," "sure as spit on a dick." "And I'm gonna have him on my show nightly and have him dance to some fiddle music and pontificate!" "And pontificate!" "Okay, we're closing the hatch here on" ""the fact zone," but we'll open it back up tomorrow." "Good night, everyone."