"Now I understand why there's so many songs written about love." "It truly is all you need and what makes the world go round." "Yeah, I know, Carl." "I have a radio, too." "But have you really listened to those songs?" "For me, it's like my eyes and ears are open for the first time." "Well, your mouth couldn't go it alone forever." "Colors look brighter, air smells fresher, and I find myself smiling at strangers for no reason at all." "Have a good day, citizen." "Every single one is precious." "Wow, did you finally spend the night with your girlfriend, or did the lady in dispatch wear the white sweater with the red bra?" "Hey, don't drag it through the gutter." "Christina's a smart, beautiful woman, and we have a real connection." "You take your time with a gal like that." "You got to build up a trust before you make her ride the freak train to nastytown." "My apologies." "But usually at this point in your relationships you've already broken up with the woman and made out with her sister." "It's true that in the past I've been somewhat of a rascally opportunist, but..." "Since I've met Christina," "I've gone through an emotional growth spurt." "Ah, I see." "So, you're still full of crap, but now it's a whole different kind of crap." "A more mature crap." "A worldly crap." "Hey, Samuel, my good man, how's your morning going so far?" "Well, the heat went out at my apartment at 4:00 this morning and I was awakened by the sound of my chattering teeth." "Then when I got to work, I slipped on a piece of Canadian bacon and pulled a hamstring." "What I'm hearing is he got to see the sun rise, his other leg is fine, and he's got a strong set of teeth." "You spend all day with him carrying a loaded gun." "I have a newfound respect for you." "Hey, what are you and Molly doing this weekend?" "Maybe the four of us could double?" "You know?" "Nice dinner, catch a movie." "Well, we're not eating out much now, 'cause we're trying to save money for the wedding." "Maybe you and Christina could just come over" " and have dinner at the house." " Oh, great idea." "That way she can see you and Molly blissfully co-habitating, and how comfortable I am in a domestic setting." "Plus, it saves us about 80 bucks apiece, and I don't have to leave the house or put on hard shoes." "Win-win." "You know what?" "It really is a beautiful day." "♪ For the first time in my life ♪" "♪ I see love. ♪" "Victoria, we are not inviting your pot dealer to my wedding." "Well, it's gonna be awkward if I don't ask him, 'cause I see him like every other day." "He can come to the reception though, right?" "We definitely want him at the reception." "Yeah, I mean, why should it just be the happiest day of your life?" "Come on, you guys." "I can't make any other wedding plans until we get this guest list done." "You know, this is gonna be the first real wedding in the family." "Your daddy and I just had a quickie civil ceremony" " on his lunch hour." " I know, mom." "Based on the timeline, I'm pretty sure I was there." "How come Molly got to go and I didn't?" " Evening, ladies." " Hi, Mike." "Hey, hon, did you have a good day?" "I've been riding around with a love-struck Carl, who's decided to replace speeding tickets with friendly warning hugs." "On the plus side, I think that's actually a better deterrent." "Aw, I am so happy Carl found somebody." "Do you know if he's bringing her to the wedding?" "Well, it is six months away." "That's a lot of time and a lot of Carl." "Hey, listen." "About that guest list." "We really need to lock down a number so we can put a deposit down on a reception hall." "Yeah, I know, sweetie." "I'll get on it." "Oh, by the way, Carl and his girlfriend are coming over for dinner on Saturday night." "No, uh..." "Saturday night?" "I can't do anything." "I have book reports to grade, and laundry, wedding stuff." "Well, just blow off the laundry and the wedding stuff." "Give yourself a break." "You're starting to look kind of stressed." "Don't kill him, you love him." "You'd like to kill him, but you can't." "'Cause you love him." "Look at us." "You and your fiancée are having me and my girlfriend over for dinner." "Are we civilized or what?" "We've come a long way from spending our weekends in strip clubs eating complimentary taquitos and watching a girl pick up dollar bills with her sweaty butt cheeks." "Yeah." "Not to denigrate those experiences, 'cause those were special times." "In their own way." "Plus, we wouldn't be who we are if we hadn't gone through them." "Exactly." "We wouldn't appreciate what we have now." "You're marrying a school teacher and I'm dating a doctor." "Not bad for a chubby guy and a pervert." "Right?" "Hey, guess what Christina and I are doing this evening?" "We're going shopping for a bottle of wine to bring to your place." "Well, I think Molly's preparing salmon fillets." "So perhaps a fruity chablis is in order." "Mm." "Indubitably." "Oh, and by the way, my lady has a bit of a nut allergy." "Like peanuts, or...?" "No, your fatty nuts." "Uh, cashews, your hazelnuts, your pistachios." "Very well." "I'll inform the chef." "Ain't this something?" "Buying wine, planning menus." "It's a far cry from you nursing a nine-dollar Dr. pepper while some stripper lifts my wallet during a so-called "blindfold dance."" "Not that those weren't good times." "Wouldn't trade 'em for the world." "Mom, please, can we just get this guest list done?" "Now, what about aunt sis?" "Is she on your "invite her, but don't sit her next to me" pile, or your "rot in hell" pile?" "She's good to go, but that beer-bellied husband of hers can keep his dead tooth and his grabby hands at home." "Really?" "I always liked Uncle ferrell." "That's because you never had to slow dance with that sob." "He turns your back from the crowd and goes at your butt cheeks like he's trying to open an oyster." "Well, okay." "What about their kids?" "Dougie and Mary Ellen." "You mean druggie and butch?" "He'll be high as a kite and she'll be in the men's room, trying to straddle a urinal." "How about from your church?" "Anybody there you can stand the sight of?" "Why do we have to do the invitations now?" "The wedding ain't for months." "It's not just for the invitations, it's for..." "Chairs and how many forks we need..." "I don't know, it's a big deal to Molly." "Boy, when she cracks her whip, you just pull your panties down and take it, don't you?" "Mom, can we please just get this over with?" "Now, what about the ladies in your Bible study group?" "Ah, those holier-than-thou hags hate me, I don't know why." "I'm a good Christian." "I turn the other cheek." "Which they can pucker up and kiss." "Oh..." " Hey, honey." " Hey." "Vince and I were just talking, and we really think a double wedding is the way to go." "No kidding." "Since we're gonna be all dressed up anyway." "The "I do's" become "we do's." Ala-kazam." "Twice the romance, half the cost." "Ala-kazam, indeed." "We could probably get a great package deal on a honeymoon, too." "You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?" "I'm guessing it's not, "help Molly with the groceries."" "Princess cruise." "Bingo." "It's like a floating Las Vegas." "Great shows, wonderful buffets, and once you're in international waters, going topless is practically mandatory." "Once in a blue moon you get seasick and yak." "But it's all you can eat, so you're not really losing any money." "Well, let me think about it." "Oh!" "Um... no." "We planted the seed." "Just let it grow." "Hey, sweetie." "Hey." " Would you help me put these groceries away?" " Sure." "For tomorrow night I'm gonna make a nice salmon with a dill sauce and vegetables and a rice pilaf." "Hopefully, they will look like those things and taste like those things." "Wow, you're something else." "How did a guy like me ever get a gal like you?" "I don't know, but don't blow your last two wishes on pizza and beer." "Hey, did you and your mom finish your guest list?" "Well, mom's still kind of working on hers, and I think I'm just gonna hang a sign-up sheet down at the precinct." "Sign-up sheet?" "Why don't you just stick flyers under people's windshield wipers?" "That's kind of impersonal." "At this rate, we're gonna lose our reception hall if we don't give them a head count or a deposit." "Honey, relax." "You're starting to make yourself and everybody else a little crazy." "Oh..." "So you think I might be over-thinking it a little?" "Well, we do have six months." "You know, I planned my super bowl party in four hours." "And that included two tvs and seven kinds of dip." "Wow, seven kinds of dip?" "That's..." "I didn't realize I was marrying such an expert party planner." "The key is not to micromanage." "You do what you can, you delegate the rest." "That's why I put Carl in charge of three of those dips." "Mm." "Oh, yeah." "Well, maybe he can help you with the catering, and the florist, and..." "Oh!" "And the reception hall." "What do you mean?" "I think you're right." "Yeah!" "I'm gonna just delegate this stuff." "Now, I don't want to be planning it all by myself, and driving people crazy, so I'm gonna leave it to an expert." "I wouldn't say I'm an expert." "You know, I am, I am feeling so much more relaxed already." "Will you put those groceries away for me?" "I'm gonna go take a bath." "Wait, I have to plan a wedding now?" "I'll see you in six months." "I'll be the one in the white dress." "Seven dips." "That's impressive." "Mom, you gotta quit changing your mind about the guest list." "Yes, I realize all your friends are "two-faced turds."" "Just give me a number, 'cause you're killing me!" "All right mom, thanks." "Yes, I know, it's gonna be a beautiful wedding." "Yes, I am a lucky guy." "Bye." "Listen, you'd better get dressed." "Carl and Christina are gonna be here in a few minutes." "I'm still expecting calls from a couple of bakeries." "I bumped up the cake tasting." "I actually drew up a little chart with elimination brackets like they do with the final four." "Red velvet and mocha chip are the top two seeds." "Hey, remember, don't overthink it." "You'll just make everybody crazy." " This wine is delicious." " It ought to be." "It cost $35." "Carl." "What?" "Sometimes the flavor is enhanced if you know it's pricey." "They've done studies." "He's right." "I pawned generic ice cream off on Mike before, telling him it was Haagen-Dazs." "Well, let's be honest." "That man has never met a bowl of ice cream he didn't like." "Give him something white and frozen, he'll give it a lick." "I appreciate you making dinner for us tonight." "I'm sure you're swamped with work and wedding plans." "It has been a little crazy, but Mike's actually been helping out quite a bit." "Good for you." "When I was planning my wedding, my ex-husband didn't want to have anything to do with the decision making." "Some men can't handle it." "See, me, I got a decisive nature." "You show me two things, I'm going to pick one." "Hey, you guys." "Sorry to keep you waiting." "It's okay, sweetie." "I was just singing your praises." "She was." "I think it's great that you're helping out with the wedding plans." "It's too much work for one person." "Believe me, I know." "And that's why I say we forget all the wedding planning and just elope." "What?" "Why blow a ton of money on a stupid ceremony when it's driving us both crazy?" "So just forget all the work I've already put in and get married at the courthouse?" "Exactly." "And we don't have to wait six months." "We can do it tomorrow." "And since I'm a civil employee, they said there's no waiting." "See?" "No more blowing time or money on something nobody wants." "Uh, excuse me." "I'm, uh..." "I'm going to go check on the salmon." "She must be going to the lake." "Stay here." "I'll go talk to her." "Man, you don't know a thing about women." "He's been in charge of our wedding for exactly 16 hours, and his one big idea is, "let's not have a wedding."" "Well, it's a sign of how much you love him that you actually thought he was gonna be helpful in the first place." "I never thought I'd be one of those people who would care so much about a wedding, but I do." "Well, I wanted one since I was a little girl." "Every Saturday," "I'd make my little brother pretend to marry me in the backyard." "My dad tells everybody that's why he's gay now." "Isn't it silly that I want him to be as excited about it as I am?" "No." "A little unrealistic, but not silly." "My ex-husband and I must have broken up at least four times when we were planning our wedding." "Wow, and you still went through with it?" "Well, the invitations had gone out, the band was booked and my brother had been rehearsing "over the rainbow" for months." "I don't know, maybe he's right." "I mean, maybe we should just do it quick and get it over with." "Is that really what you want?" "No." "I want a real wedding." "The gown and the flowers and relatives getting drunk and saying weird things to each other." "I guess I'm old-fashioned." "Well, then you need to tell him that." "I have told him." "You've turned off the TV, looked him in the eye and said, "I want a traditional, old-fashioned wedding"?" "Not those exact words." "Then, honey, this is on you." "Subtlety and nuance are like the metric system to men." "You need to tell him exactly what you want, and then make him repeat it back to you." "Maybe have him write it on his hand." "There you go." "I was just trying to make it easier on her." "All the planning was driving her crazy." "So take away all the planning." "Seemed logical to me." "Women don't live in a logical world." "Man, don't just gulp that down." "That's $1.25 a sip." "You know, I probably shouldn't have just sprung it on her like that." "It was astonishingly insensitive on your part." "And as your best man, I too was a little blindsided." "But did I run out of the house crying?" "No, I did not." "I kept my pain inside." "I appreciate that." "I mean, that day's important to me, too." "I already got my speech written and half memorized." "Am I tasting hazelnuts?" "I don't know." "Oh, my God!" "Carl, I think I need to go to the emergency room." " I told you no nuts!" " I've had a lot on my mind!" "I've been planning a wedding!" "Can we discuss this in the car?" "My throat's kind of closing up." "I'll drive, I'll drive." "Oh, God..." "We are going to the hospital now so Christina doesn't die!" "No, no, you get the coats, I'll cork the wine." "Come on!" "All right." "Just..." "The nurse said she's going to be fine." "They gave her a shot of Epinephrine." "Ah, good." "Yeah." "Carl's never going to let me forget this one." "Well, you can understand him being a little peeved." "I mean, his girlfriend's tongue blew up like a life raft." "Scary, wasn't it?" "It looked like she was coughing up a ham loaf." "I guess I messed up everybody's night, huh?" "Well, you hurt my feelings, Mike." "I thought our wedding was important to both of us, and it would be fun for us to plan it together." "But you weren't having any fun." "Because I was doing it all by myself." "The reason I'm marrying you is 'cause I actually like doing things with you." "We do have a good time together, don't we?" "Mostly." "I'm sorry." "From now on I'm with you every step of the way." "We're going to plan our special day together." "Look me in the eye and say that again." "Doctor says she doesn't have to stay overnight," " so it'll just be a few more minutes." " Good." "Carl, I'm so sorry." "I feel awful." "Ah!" "It was certainly negligent on your part, but on the plus side, I'm scoring some big points in there just by holding her hand and telling her she still looks beautiful to me." "Sweet." "Tell me about it." "The woman looked like Apollo Creed at the end of Rocky II." "All right, I better hop back in there." "They're getting ready to shoot some more steroids into her supple little behind and, uh, I don't want to miss that." "Ooh..." "See, you could have done a lot worse." "Well, who'd have thunk it?" "I'm sorry tonight went down the way it did, but I'm hoping you'll give me another chance." "Of course." "I mean, I'm sure your friends didn't intentionally try to kill me." "I'm going to stay on their good side just in case." "Speaking of which," "Mike's really been riding me about a head count for the wedding, and I don't want to push you or anything." "Just need to let him know if I'm going to be a plus one or not." "That's a long way off." "It's not binding." "No contract involved." "I would love to be your date." "That's great." "And listen, I'll hammer home the whole nut thing so you can relax and eat whatever you want at the reception." "I'll carry a sandwich around in my pocket, I don't care." "Appreciate it." "Good night." "Good night." "Carl McMillan plus one."