"Ok, you go to Aunt Honey's with me, I go to your parents' with you and Jack's stepdad's with him." "And then we can go with Karen real quick to visit Stan in prison?" "Why not?" "Great." "Ok, I figure we each get one hour." "We'll set this timer and when it goes off..." "We're out of there no matter what." "We do not respond to guilt, shame, tears, or flattery." "There's still 40 minutes left on the timer." "What happened?" "There's really not much left to say after your husband tells you he wants you to start sleeping with other people." "He wants me to be sexually satisfied while he's in prison." "I don't know why, he never cared while he was out." "Whatever you do, do not tell my mother that Nathan and I broke up." "You haven't told her?" "You see how I went up at the end, like I cared?" "Look, she always said that I was wasting my time with him, and there's nothing she loves more than saying "I told you so."" "She's so obnoxious." "She even has a little told-you-so dance." "It's the one thing I asked you not to do!" "The woman was depressed." "I felt it was my duty as a fellow thespian to turn her mask of tragedy into one of comedy." "I'm gonna hurt you." "Right now." "Ok." "Fasten your seat belts, folks." "You are about to meet my stepdad..." "A man whose cruelty is exceeded only by his inability to love." "Welcome!" "Welcome." "I'm so thrilled to finally meet Jack's friends." "Hi, how are you?" "Good to see you." "Jackie!" "Father." "You're looking distant and shaming." "Pick the lady and you win a dollar." "Red, black, black." "Just follow the lady." "Pick the queen." "Uh...this one?" "Sorry." "Jack?" "It's that one." "I know it is." "And once again you set me up for failure." "Those football players..." "Their asses are so high." "I'm hungry." "I'm thirsty." "I could hump a tree." "It's...that one." "Sorry." "All right!" "You did it." "You know what that means, don't you?" "You get to keep my lucky cards." "No, I can't take these from you." "You said you liked 'em." "Yeah, they're great" "Come on." "I want you to have 'em." "No, I can't" "Oh, just take the cards, Elliot!" "Take the damn cards!" "The man wants you to have the cards, take the cards!" "And you, man, stop badgering the boy!" "You better take 'em." "Heh." "Thanks." "All right." "What are you doing?" "What's the matter with you?" "Is there something wrong, Jack?" "If you have something to say to me, just say it." "Ok." "There is something that I've been wanting to tell you for a long time." "Gotta go." "Elliot!" "Well, these last few stops have been a nice warm-up, now, brace yourself for real dysfunction" "WASP dysfunction." "You can't say it." "You can't talk about it, but you know it's there." "Kind of like a fart in church." "Just tell them about the code." "Oh, yes, the code." ""Business trip" is the code for my father's affair with his mistress, known as "associate," "colleague," or "client."" "I learned that the hard way last Easter when I talked about taking on three clients at the same time." "If you're feeling remotely full after appetizers, don't undo your top button." "You'll need that to hold in your feelings." "Hey, look who's here!" "Hey, guys!" "What's with the haircut?" "Thanks, Paul." "Nice to see you, too." "Hey, Willie, I just mentioned your haircut." "You don't have to cry about it." "Hey, hey!" "Is that the brother you slept with as a substitute for the gay one you're in love with but can never really have?" "No." "That's his other brother Sam." "Paul, Peggy, these are my friends, Karen, Jack, and, of course, Grace." "Grace, it's so nice to meet you." "There's a woman where I get my hair done in Westport..." "She's Jewish, too." "Oh, sure." "I've seen her at the meetings." "Here you are!" "Oh, Will, darling, o" "Ooh ooh ooh ooh!" "Let me shut the door." "I don't want to have to deal with that gossipy new neighbor." "Hello!" "Hello, Mrs. Schaefer." "Her eldest has a lazy eye." "Her youngest is a prostitute." "Oh, Grace, dear, I was just finishing up the soup bowls." "I saw a special on the Food Network on how to make them out of gourds." "Oh, food can be such fun." "This is where I'm going to die...." "Who wants a martini?" "Oh, and I've gone to heaven!" "If you need to change, there's a guest room at the top of the stairs." "No, mom." "This is what we're wearing." "Oh, good." "You should be comfortable." "I guess I'm just, what?" "Am I old-fashioned, I guess?" "So, uh, where's dad?" "Oh, he had a last-minute business meeting." "It seems his..." "client couldn't wait till after the holidays." "Oh, you know your father and his work." "Yeah, he's dedicated." "Hey..." "I'm sorry Sam couldn't make it, but I'm so glad you're here." "I never get to see you." "Paul, sweetie, come sit next to me." "Hi, I'm Grace." "You must be Uncle Winnie." "Oh, don't bother, darling." "He's on medication." "He thinks you're a balloon." "Oh, and one more thing" " That's three" "Could you please come and help me?" "I'm having some trouble with the garbage disposal." "I called the plumber, but it's a holiday, so, you know" "Oh!" "Don't touch the wall, Jack." "Will, I'm a-scared." "You should be." "I like Will's family." "They drink." "Were you serious about what you said before?" "Are you really thinking about having sex with someone?" "Oh, for God's sakes, stop fishing, you big lez." "It's not gonna be with you." "Aw, shucks." "And I made myself all purty." "But, you know, if I was gonna do it, it'd have to be just the right situation, you know?" "And just the right kind of guy." "A big, swarthy, hunky, working-class kind of guy." "You know, the kind that wears a tool belt but doesn't know how to spell it." "I wouldn't hold your breath." "That kind of guy only exists in porno movies." "Uh, excuse me, ladies." "Uh, someone needed their pipes cleaned out?" "Oh, that sounds like your father's ring." "Let's eat." "I'll get the soup." "Tell everybody to take their seats." "Their names are on the artichokes." "Now, they're all in a particular order, so no switching!" "I'm glad I get to taste mom's soup before Peggy and I have to take off." "What are you talking about?" "You're not taking off." "I'm taking off." "Oh, I'm sorry, buddy." "I have to." "No, no, no." "Not this year." "Come on, Will." "You're her favorite." "You should stay." "I am not her-- Even so, I'm going!" "Whatcha doing?" "Fixing things?" "Well, this disposal-- I've got a bolt here that just won't go in." "Oh, well, maybe you should talk dirty to it." "I mean, you were saying?" "Grace, darling, please tuck this napkin under your chin." "The last time you ruined my tablecloth with all your--blblblbl-- slopping." "Well, gotta go." "Paul, could I talk to you a minute?" "Will, eat your soup." "Mom made it." "It's in gourds." "Guess I'm finished." "Are you?" "Or are you just getting started?" "What's left to do?" "Well, if you poke around a little bit, I bet you could find something." "I'm sure I can." "Don't talk." "You'll wreck it." "What's going on here?" "I'm not sure." "Oh!" "How dare you!" "I'm a married woman!" "Sorry, man, I've got obligations." "So do I!" "There is a huge difference between my obligation to my family and your obligation to your friends." "My friends are my family." "Your situation is completely different, and you know it!" "You made that choice." "Choice?" "!" "Are you kidding me?" "!" "Look, let's go over this again." "My being gay is no more a choice" "Paul, don't leave yet." "I just want to send a little bottle of wine over to Peg's folks for the holidays." "Just a little thank you for forgetting us this year." "Well, what's going on here?" "Nothing." "Will's crying." "I am not!" "Look, we-- we just both have places we need to be." "We both feel that one of us should stay." "Mom, you pick." "Oh, that is so unfair." "Don't make her choose." "You know who she's gonna pick." "I pick Paul." "Of course" " What?" "Well, I would like to propose a toast." "To our own Thanksgiving..." "To no longer being at the mercy of our mothers, fathers, brothers." "Plumbers." "Feels pretty good, doesn't it?" "I hate the way I left things with my mom." "I feel terrible." "I feel worse about what happened between me and my step-dad." "Why worse?" "Because it happened to me." "Hey, what about me?" "Stan put me in an awful position..." "And that plumber nearly did, too." "Yeah, well, I feel fine." "No, you don't." "No, I don't!" "How could she pick Paul over me?" "!" "Well, let's dig into this turkey." "Wait, wait, wait, wait!" "Wait a minute!" "Um, doesn't it seem wrong to enjoy a beautiful uneaten Turkey when you have all this unfinished emotional business?" "You know what?" "She's right." "Two minutes each-- We say our piece, and we get out." "But I'm starved." "So?" "The turkey'll still be here when we get back." "Or whatever." "Go." "Go!" "Go..." "I'm sorry, Rosario, but we'll try to be as quick as we can." "Have a piece of fruit to tide yourself over." "Fruit, my ass!" "Two minutes." "Go!" "Don't talk." "I got something to say to you, and I don't have a lot of time." "I'm angry with you, Stanley." "Why do you want me to have sex with other men?" "I mean, I'm miserable without you, but it's not the kind of miserable that's gonna go away with a tongue-wrestle with a" "I don't know-- 5' 10" maintenance man with a" "I don't know-- musky smell of Paco Rabanne and dirty metal and a" "I don't know-- Chinese serenity symbol tattooed on his left bicep..." "Or something." "I mean, the point is, I don't want any man but you." "I love you..." "Every fold, nook, and cranny of you, you two-ton English muffin!" "Hey, we still got 40 seconds left." "What do you want to do?" "Oh!" "Ha!" "Ok." "Only this time, you stick your boobs on the glass." "Come on, come on." "Happy Thanksgiving, Mr. Walker." "I love you." "Two minutes" " Go!" "Hey, everyone, would you mind if I had a minute alone with my mom?" "Thanks." "There's something I need to say to you." "Oh, and what's that?" "You already told me I can't act." "Did you come back to tell me I can't sing?" "Oh, mom, of course you can s" "Let's not get into that right now." "Look, I" " I hate what I said to you." "I was just upset." "But the whole "I told you so" thing-- it's just" "it's just that sometimes it seems like you love being right even more than you love me." "Are you kidding, dear?" "I love you more than anything in the world." "That's sweet, mom." "I guess" " I guess a part of me does appreciate that on some level, but the dance..." "Why the dance?" "Well, it's cute, darling." "Everybody thinks so." "Who is "everybody"?" "Look, the point is that it bothers you, so I just won't say "I told you so" anymore." "Mom, I want to believe that, but in 33 years you have never been able to restrain yourself." "I promise you, dear, you'll never hear it again." "Really?" "Really." "Wow." "Thank you for that, mom." "I love you." "I love you, too, dear." "I told her so!" "I told her so!" "I told her so!" "Two minutes" " Go!" "I just have one question for you..." "How dare you be so nice to Elliot!" "Where was that guy when I was growing up?" "!" "Well, I was probably" "Oh, is that supposed to be your answer?" "You are ten times the father with him than you ever were with me." "No, I don't think you" "Don't change the subject!" "For my 12th birthday I asked for a "Beautiful Chrissy" doll with beautiful hair that grows." "And what did you get me?" "A dirt bike?" "!" "What the hell's a 12-year-old boy gonna do with a dirt bike?" "!" "You don't know me at all!" "Hey, you don't know me either." "It's not like you took any interest in me." "I was a kid." "I wasn't supposed to." "Yeah, you got me there." "Yeah, I do, don't I?" "You were a tough kid to figure out." "It was like having a foreign exchange student in the house." "You spoke your own language and wore a beret." "Well, you should have tried harder." "You're right." "I should have." "I was a crap father." "I'm sorry." "But, Jack, I'm not the same guy." "Well, I am." "I'm still mad." "I know." "But what do you get out of holding on to something like that?" "I'd really like us to get closer, Jack." "Well, it won't be easy." "I'm very complicated." "I am a swirling mass of contradictions." "Sometimes I'm happy." "Sometimes I'm sad." "Sometimes-- Well, I guess those are the only two." "But..." "You really want to get to know me?" "I do." "If you want to take the time to get to know me." "I guess I wouldn't be adverse to that." "I'll take that present now." "Ok, uh..." "Right there on the bed." "Ah." "I didn't know what to get you, so I just, uh, put some money in a box." "Oh, pop, you do know me!" "Ok, two minutes" " Go." "So, what?" "Paul is your favorite now?" "Where is he?" "Favorite?" "!" "I sent him home." "You what?" "I just" " I don't know." "I didn't want him around." "But you chose him." "You'd obviously rather have him around than me." "Oh, William, sweetheart, you know I don't have favorites." "But if I did, you know who it would be." "That's why I could pick Paul in front of you, but I couldn't pick you in front of Paul." "Hmm?" "Because he would have cried, right?" "Because he's the crier." "Now, go home." "Be with your family." "I'm giving you Thanksgiving off this year." "No, no, look, I don't think you should be alone on a holiday." "Honey, I'm not alone." "I've got Uncle Winnie." "Bingo!" "I win!" "Do you hear that?" "He wins." "So stop treating me like I'm some fragile old woman." "I'm fine." "I'm fine." "I mean, it would be nice if your father didn't he to conduct his business on holidays, but, uh, it's not your job to take care of me." "Well, I think it is." "No, no, please." "Go home." "I'm busy." "I have to go through daddy's closet, pick out a couple of suits he loves, and give them to the Salvation Army." "Let's go." "We can still make it home in time for dinner." "Great." "I'm starved." "Me, too." "I could use some solids." "Well, wait till you guys taste this turkey."