"Tea." "I got some bacon on, d'you want a sandwich or will you have your fag first?" "Oh, I'll take the sandwich." "Tidy." " So how you feelin, all right?" " Yeah." "Excited, I am." "I can't wait to be honest." "Are you going through with it then?" "No more rows on the doorstep or nothin'?" " Mum!" "Tell him!" " What?" "!" "Jason, stop winding her up, you know we're not to talk about the row." "It was a little blip." "Didn't sound like a blip to me." "Hola Jose, como estas?" "I hope people aren't gonna go on about it, Mum." "We made up and that's all that matters." "I know I've been engaged a lot but this is my first actual wedding day, isn't it?" "I remember my first wedding day." "I woke up in Vegas." "Didn't know where I was." "Looked round, I was in bed with two of Gladys Knight's Pips." " Where was your husband?" " I don't know." "I still don't know to this day, that annulment cost me a fortune." "# I'm getting married in the morning..." "# Ding dong the bells are gonna chime..." "#" " Pull out the stopper..." "#" " Let's have a whopper. .." "# But get me to the..." "Church on time. #" " Morning." " Good mornin'." "Aw, Mum, these are so lush, look at the little bridesmaids ones!" "You don't have to do anything to them, they've been treated." "Well, I'll just put them upstairs out the way." "Right, I'm gonna jump in the shower." "Yeah, come on, Ness, I've gotta put my veil on." " Yeah, me too." " You're not wearing a veil." "What?" "!" " What you doin'?" " Ey, ey, ey, ey!" "This ain't for you." "You're not seeing any of this till the speech." "Yeah look, about the speech, it's not too long, is it?" "If it's half as good as I know it is, it won't be long enough, they'll be calling for more." "I did it for Gary and Simon." "Absolutely rinsed themselves." "I'm gonna bang this in the car." "Mate, it's gonna be all right, innit?" " What?" " She's gonna turn up, isn't she," " after the row and that?" " Come on, get sat down." "What's this?" "Pre-match nerves, eh?" "Silly sausage." "Now look, no-one wants this marriage to fail more than I do." "But I look at you, I look at her, you're like two peas in a bag." "Stop your nonsense, all right?" "Here, I know what'll cheer you up." " Pamelar!" "Good moaning." " What's all this?" "Just a bag full of comedy gold." "I'll be back in a minute, mate." "You look lovely, Mum." "House of Fraser." "Hat cost more than the suit." "Come here, sweetheart, let me do that." "It only seems like yesterday I was putting your school tie straight!" "Thanks, Mum." "I'll be getting through these today..." "Oh, Gwen." " You got my sling?" " Yeah." "It's all in here." "You're looking lovely, Ness, very nice." "Don't start, Bryn." "You had your chance, you never took it." "Come on, we gotta get going." "See you down there." " You ready?" " Yeah." "Give us a drag of that." "You're fine." "Yeah, yeah." "Er, this is Smithy." "Smithy, this is Jase, Stacey's brother." " And this is his partner, Jose." " Hello, how are you?" " Right, have a good one!" " Cheers, cheers." "If I was gay, I think I'd like to be like him." "Yeah, me too." "You?" "!" " Well, you'd have to lose a bit of weight." " Why?" "Well, fat gays are like outcasts." "No, they're not!" "Dale Winton, Graham Norton, George Michael, who's not in their gang?" " Russell Grant." " Russell Grant's not gay!" "He is fat though." "Don't do it, Gav!" "You'll regret it for the rest of your life!" "Look at me!" "He regrets it!" "I bloody regret it!" "See what I have to put up with?" "It ain't worth it." "Stay single." "Do you know what, Pete?" "If it's so bad, why don't you just leave?" "I had me bag packed three weeks ago If you remember but it wasn't me on the doorstep shouting, 'Come back, come back, what about the kids!" "'" "We'll have our work cut out with them two today!" "Now, there's something I gotta give you." "But I won't give it to you if you don't want it." "What?" "What is it?" "It's from your father it is." "Now what it is, he wrote it three weeks before he died with strict instructions to give it to you on your wedding day." "I can't." "Do you want me to read it to you?" "'Dear Stacey." "You want me to do it in your father's voice?" "With the lisp and everything?" "Right." "OK." "'Dear Stacey, if you are reading this it must be your wedding day, 'but if it is not and Bryn has just left it lying around, then tell him 'he's a waste of space and could never be trusted to do anything properly." "'When I think back to the day you were born," "'I was the happiest man on the planet." "'I won't lie to you, Stace, and I'm not ashamed to say it but I cried." "'Buckets." "'And I never imagined in a million years 'that I wouldn't be with you on your wedding day, 'walking you down the aisle 'and giving you away." "'I tell you what, whoever he is, he's the luckiest man alive!" "'I'm so sorry I'm not there for you today, Stace, 'not in body anyway, but I'll be there in spirit." "'And please remember, 'that whenever you need me," "'I'll be listening... '...cos you'll never stop being my beautiful baby girl." "'Have a wonderful day, my darling." "'I love you always." "Dad.'" " You all right?" " Yeah." " You're absolutely sure about this because..." " Yeah." " Oh, my God!" "'Mrs Shipman'!" " I know!" "I am!" " Let's have a look at the ring." " Fucking hell, Stace, that is immense!" "Well done." "My beautiful 'daughter-in-law'!" "Congratulations." "Tidy." " Come here." " Oh." "You just got married." "That is disgusting." " Are we all right to follow you, Mick?" " Yeah, yeah... hang on a minute." "Smithy!" " Michael!" " You got those maps?" " Shit!" " Are you kiddin me?" " You pube!" "They're at Lucy's." "She was colouring them in." "I can't believe this!" " What's the matter?" " He's forgotten the maps!" "How will we get there?" "We're supposed to sit down at three!" "Right, right!" "Not a problem." "Two words, sat nav." " Everybody, follow me!" " Fantastic." "That's the spirit Bryn." "Come on, baby!" "That is cracking." "The thing is, Griff, I feel a fool." "I bought that sat nav in good faith." "But it plainly doesn't work." "That journey should be ten minutes, it took us well over an hour." "Those hors d'oeuvres were supposed to be hot." "Where did you get it, the sat nav?" " Dic Powell." " Ah, well, you've only got yourself to blame." " I know, I know, he's tricky." " Smile!" "He gets away with it because of the language barrier." "OK, friends of the groom." "Friends of the groom!" "Friends of the groom, guys." "And hold it!" "That is cracking." "OK, now we just need one of the best man and the maid of honour." "All right, leave it out." "Come on, you two, get a bit closer together." " Put your arm round her, Smithy." " No, you're all right." "Bear with me." " How's it going?" " OK, I'm glad you brought it up." "I've got a girlfriend and a lot of people here know it." "So I'd appreciate if.." " Where to's she now then?" " What?" " Where to's she now?" " Right." "Either speak English or learn Welsh." "Cos I 'Where to's she'..." " D'you mean where is she now?" " Yeah." " Say that, then." " Where is she now?" " Sixth formers netball tournament in Southend." "She's wing attack." "All right, guys, here we go." "Big smiles." "Cracking." "Now, don't go drinking too much tonight, Stace." "There's nothing worse than a pissed-up bride at her own wedding." " What's that supposed to mean?" " You know what I mean." "I was not that drunk, was I, Pammy?" "Well, no, but you'd had a few." "Any wonder, knowing I was gonna spend the rest of my life married to that!" "I could've brought the waiter in to consummate the marriage." "She wouldn't have known!" "You've been a right nasty bastard today, Pete, you know?" "Mr and Mrs Shipman." "I mean, that's bad luck by anyone's standards." "What now?" "Well, she lives for the day she can change her name from West, what with all the connotations and what have you, and what does she become?" "A Shipman." "Oh, that's very unfortunate." " I don't know which is worse." "Surely Shipman!" "Well, it's six of one, and half a dozen of the other." "It was more than half a dozen, Griff!" "It was in the hundreds!" "Hiya, I'm Louise." "Craig." "People call me Fingers." " What should I call you?" " Call me what you like." "Oh, be quiet, will ya?" "Oh, shut up, don't drink too much." "I'm feeling bad enough as it is, now you..." "Shut up!" "Where's your boyfriend today, then?" " I wouldn't let him come." " Why not?" "He refused to go to the church service." "I said, 'You can't just turn up at the reception without seeing the actual wedding.'" "And d'you know what he said?" "He said, 'The only church you'll ever get me inside is Charlotte.'" "It is out of order, though, innit?" "Unforgivable." "Drink your drink." " Pam, I'm gonna have to go." " What?" "It's Pete." "He has been eyeing' up every girl in this room." "And young girls." "I mean really young, really, really young." "Oh, come on!" "He's only human." "I catch my Mick doin' that all the time." " We're all animals, Dawn." " I know." "But I just feel like I'm not enough for him any more, Pam." "I mean, sex-wise, we're at an all-time low." "We were in a car park in Basildon last week, flashing the headlights, no-one come over." "I just wanna be involved." "I feel like he's looking at these girls, he's not thinking 'menage,' he's thinking 'hello.'" "Can I suggest something?" "Have you thought about role-play?" "Cos when my Trevor was alive, it did us wonders." "Saved our marriage, if truth be told." "Oh, tell me about it." "I mean..." "I'm lucky, I am." "My Mick, he's open to anything." "I mean, really mucky stuff." "Even when we do Charles and Camilla, he's first on with the ears." "Can I have your attention, please, ladies and gentlemen!" "All right, calm down, we'll get to my speech in a minute." "First you got to listen to these boring' bastards!" "I'm only dickin' around." "Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for my best mate, who lost his virginity between two wheelie bins at my mum's house in 1993." "Mr Gavin Shipman!" "Thanks, Smith, for that glowing character reference." " Well, I'll keep this short." " Like your knob!" "Sorry." "If someone had told me three months ago that I'd be standing here today a married man," "I'd have thought they were mad." "Or really, really drunk." "But nine weeks ago, I met Stacey for the first time and it's changed everything." "Cos I remember people saying to me," "'You'll know when you meet the one.'" "And I'd always think 'how?" "'" "And I just didn't believe them." "But the minute I met you, Stacey, I did know." "And I suddenly understood what they were on about." "And it's something I can't even put into words, how I feel right now." "All I can say is you're beautiful and you're funny and you're kind" "and there's just something in me that tells me I'm going to be with you and look after you... forever." "Cos I love you, baby." "And that's just the way it is." "Ladies and gentlemen, please raise a glass to my beautiful wife." "Stacey." "ALL:" "Stacey!" "Now, I'll hand you over to my best friend and best man," "Smithy, who has apparently prepared a blinder of a speech..." "Smithy." "Right." "Sorry." "First of all, I'd like to raise a toast..." "I'll never forget..." "I'll never forget when me and Gav was at the football and we was eating these hot dogs..." "Smithy, it's all right, darling." "Smithy, come on." "Gavin and Stacey, ladies and gentlemen!" "ALL:" "Gavin and Stacey!" " How's he doing, all right?" " He's all right." "He's stopped crying." " He feels a bit of a prick, to be honest." " It's such a shame." "Cos that meal was gorgeous, and the starter..." " Beautiful." " Yeah!" "And I've got to be honest, I wasn't expecting it to be so good." "But that woman, the widow, what's her name?" " Gwen." " I mean, she's obviously spent a fortune." " And you can't fault that." " Well, actually..." " What?" " No..." " Go on..." " No." "Pam?" "Well, we paid for everything." " I said that!" " Everything except for the dress." "Oh, here we go." "Why didn't you just announce it?" "It's only when she's getting all the credit." " Everyone all right?" " Hey." " Hiya." " Hi." "Testing." "One, two." "One, two." "Testing." " Ever seen one of these?" " What?" "No film in there." "Digital." "You're gonna turn my little sister into an Essex girl, are you, Gav?" "Well, hopefully not, but yeah, we're gonna live at mum and dad's for a bit, save some money, then try and get a place." "I never thought I'd see the day when you moved out of Barry." "Oh, it's not gonna be that bad, we'll be coming home every weekend." "What?" "No, maybe like once a month or something." "Well, I'm coming back every weekend." "There he is!" "Best man." "Don't start, mate." "I messed up, all right?" "Let's move on." " I'm having a nightmare." " What?" "Getting people to sign this wedding book." "It's like an albatross round my neck." "When people were eating it was fine, but now they're up and about, there's no cohesion." " Griff's signed it three times." " I've signed it twice." "I've got night mode, black and white, use that later, probably, for effect." "Uh, sepia, sepia, sepia?" "I don't know how you say it." "I've got a feeling it's faulty." "Just makes everything go brown." "Ladies and gentlemen, please gather round." "The bride and groom are now going to take their first dance." "Uncle Bryn?" "You all right?" "Yes, thank you." " Oh, great day, isn't it?" " Best day of my life." "Look..." " Can we talk about what happened?" " I'd rather not." " On the fishing trip..." "I never told anyone, y'know." "And besides, it wasn't a big deal," "Lots of people do it." "It's not against the law." "Jason, please." "How can I ever forget that look on your face?" "You gotta let it go, Uncle Bryn!" "You are a great man." "You are." "And you're a fantastic uncle." "And you did us all proud today." "Thank you very much." " You coming in?" " In a bit." "Right, we got a special treat for you now, ladies and gentlemen, from the mother of the groom." "So big hand for..." "Pat!" "It's Pam, actually." "All right, chill out, love." "It's Pam." "Go on, Pammy!" "# You're just too good to be true #" "# Can't take my eyes off you #" "# You feel like heaven to touch #" "# I wanna hold you so much #" "# At long last love has arrived... #" "Hi." "I'm Captain Mark..." "Overmars." "I've just flown in on the red-eye." "I got an eight-hour turnaround," "I'm here for one night and one night only." "Ooh..." "God." "It must be... very... hard up there?" "All that... you know, pressure..." "You must really need to... unwind." "So, shall we go somewhere" " and have it off?" " No!" "Pete, he wouldn't say that." "He'd woo me, you idiot." "He'd at least buy me a fucking drink." "I'm trying my best!" "Dawn!" "# I love you baby #" "# And if it's quite all right I want you baby #" "# To warm my lonely night #" "# I love you baby #" "# Trust in me when I say #" "# Oh pretty baby don't bring me down I pray #" "# Oh pretty baby now that I've found you stay # # 0h pretty baby... #" " Nessa?" " What?" " How comes you're not smoking?" " Oh, I just put one out." "No, you never." "I haven't seen you smoking all day." "And there's no Bacardi in there." "What's going on?" "Leave it, Stace." " Nessa!" " I said leave it." "That was fabulous." "Yep." "Whoa!" "High five." "Ness!" "You're pregnant, aren't you?" " But you told me you wasn't." " I know." "You said you went to the doctor and he said it was all clear." " Why didn't you tell me?" " Cos I didn't want to spoil your day." "Oh, come 'ere..." " What you gonna do?" " I dunno." " You've got to tell Smithy." " I can't." " You've got to!" " He's a twat." " I know, but he's the father of your child." "I just can't believe it, Stace." "Of all the people I've slept with, it's him gets me pregnant." "Not Nigel Havers, not john Prescott, not any of Goldie Lookin' Chain." "No, some knob-head from Essex." "You've still gotta tell him." "Nessa?" "All right." "Promise?" "Promise you'll tell him tonight?" "Cos you don't know when you'll see him next." "All right." "Come on." "We're missing the Grease Medley." " You ready, babe?" "Car's here." " OK." "I'll always be here for you, y'know?" "Cheers, Stace." "Ladies and gentlemen, Kevin and Tracey are about to leave, so let's give 'em a good Welsh send off." " We did it then." " I know." "It's brilliant." "Come here, Mrs Shipman." " Smithy?" " Yeah?" "What?" "Don't matter."