"His-and-her face lifts." "If this is indicative of the state of relationships in the 21st century, then I'm staying single." "And cocker spaniels all over South Florida howl in relief." "I admire the Cohens." "They want to stay attractive to each other as they age, keep the intimacy in their marriage alive." "Why shouldn't they look as young and vital as the love they feel?" " I'm closed." " Get over here, I'm lonely." "How many of these would you say we've done?" "I don't know." "A couple of thousand?" "Try five." "Four thousand, nine hundred ninety-nine." " Five thousand." " No shit." "To 5,000 more." "And they said it wouldn't last." "Come over for dinner tomorrow night." "Let's expand this celebration, make it a family affair." "The only way I wanna celebrate is with a nice big slice of hair pie." "Celebration aside, I want some alone time with you this week." "We need to come up with a plan for the next 10 years so we firmly know where we're going." "Julia and I did it when we got back together, and now look at us." "Tighter than we've ever been." "Not everybody has what you have, Sean." "Absolut, neat." "Thanks." "I know you're struggling, Christian." "Everything you've been through with Kimber, I know." "But the only way you're gonna start to feel better is to get close to someone again." "I couldn't agree more." "Can we buy you gentlemen a drink?" "Absolutely." "I'm Christian Troy, this is Sean McNamara." "We're doctors." "We're Jill and Riley White." " Sisters?" " Aren't you sweet." "Mom, can I get that credit card to pay the bartender?" "Thanks for the offer, but I'm gonna go home and make love to my wife." "And then I'm gonna propose to her." "Oh, a family man." "That's so sweet." "Yeah." "Yeah, if there's one thing that Dr. McNamara and I agree on, it's the importance of family." "Shots!" "Sweetie, the way the baby's sitting, it's making me really gassy." "Can I give you a rain check?" "Sure." "Oh, yeah!" "Yes!" "Yeah!" "Yeah." "That's good." "Oh, yeah." "Harder!" "Mr. Landau, tell me what you don't like about yourself." "Well, if I had to pick one thing, it'd be that I didn't meet my lovely bride here sooner." "How long have you two been married?" "Almost a year now." "I proposed the first night we met." "She kept me waiting a whole week." "But she saved my life." "Literally saved my life." "And what brings you here today?" "My balls are no longer proportionate to my wang." "Burt was diagnosed with late-stage prostate cancer six months ago." "Aside from the radiology treatments, our doctor recommended he have a bilateral orchiectomy." "You had both testes removed?" "And you're not happy with the size of your implants now?" "Lord, no." "Feels like I got an SUV riding around on training wheels down there." "How much bigger would you like to go?" "How about kiwi-sized, huh?" "That's how you first described them to me." "All my life I had a pair that made me feel like a man." "I made my living eating up pet shops and shitting out circuses." "My husband's a medical venture capitalist." "Landau Industries can take a half-assed HMO or radiology lab and make it profitable in six months." "Six months!" "Now, brains..." "Brains can help you recognize an opportunity, but it is balls that make you a risk-taker." "And these 10-year-old-boy pits I got down there, they're sucking out all my oomph." "I told him that doesn't matter to me anymore." "His health is what's important." "To go through another operation this year is crazy to me." "Have you been intimate with your husband since the operation?" "Yes." "I think I would have remembered that, honey." "Real intimacy isn't just about sex, Burt." "It's about me holding your head up when you puked from the chemo." "It's about being man enough to be vulnerable with me." "What about your sex life before the operation?" "What sort of details are you interested in, Dr. Troy?" "We did it four times a week." "At least." "Right?" "And that was enough for you?" "What?" "I think what my partner is getting at is we'd like to gauge what each of your expectations are" " before we schedule a procedure." " Exactly." "Well, I told you." "I wanna go back to being the man I was." "Now, trust me, honey." "Once I get those boys back, we're both gonna be much, much happier." "I've been feeling fine, actually." "Yeah, nothing different, really, than I remember feeling with Matt and Annie." "Maybe less appetite." "Does the baby look..." " Is everything all right?" " Oh, it's a boy." "It's also what I was afraid of, Julia." "I wish we could have made a definitive evaluation earlier." "But with something like this, the baby's size and the rotated position, the bones still forming, it often takes until the second trimester to be absolutely sure." "And are you sure?" "When you discussed the possibility of this with Sean..." "No, I didn't discuss it with him." "I mean," "I didn't wanna worry him in case it turned out to be nothing." "I knew that I wanted this baby no matter what." "And I was afraid that he wouldn't." "So I didn't say anything." "I know it's not my place, Julia, but I think..." "No." "You know what?" "It's not your place." "You know, I'm sorry, but this is very complicated." "There are people that you can talk to that have lived with this and lead happy and successful lives." "I think it would give you some relief." "I love your pad." "None of that metrosexual, pseudo-hip, Design within Reach crap." "Yeah, you know, it usually takes a gay guy to put together a place as fashion-forward as yours." "A little less teeth down there, sweetheart." "Sorry." "Kids." " Let Mommy, honey." " I can do it, Mom!" "I'm sure you can, sweetie." "It's just I was sucking dick when you were sucking on a pacifier." "Watch and learn." "God!" "She's always telling me what to do." "Parents can be tough." "Yeah, it's cool, though." "We don't get to hang out together as much since nursing school started, so this is our only real mother-daughter time." "You guys do this together a lot?" "Ever since I was 16." "She caught me with my stepdad." "Mom, he won't kiss me." "Some guys just don't like to be kissed after oral sex, sweetheart." "But he didn't kiss me the other night, either." "Did he kiss you?" "So our tongues are good enough to go in your ass but not your mouth?" "Certainly not one after the other." "What kind of guy doesn't want to be kissed?" "The kind I warned you about." "Just like your father." "Do you know what kind of women accept not being kissed?" "Whores." "We're not whores." "No, you're the goddamn Mother of the Year." "Get out." "This is too screwed up, even for me." "I'm not gonna be judged by people like you." "What, you think you're different than us?" "There are three people in this room, honey, and you're playing, too." "Riley, get dressed." "We're out of here." "You know, Mom and I might have our problems, but at least we have each other." "Which is exactly the way Mommy likes it, sweetheart." "Maybe if you let her keep the key to your snatch long enough, you'll be just as bitter and screwed up when you turn 40." "Of course, by then she'll be 60, so don't be surprised if she takes you cruising for dates down at the early bird special at Long John Silver's." "Yeah, and you'll be there, too, sitting by yourself." "You are so afraid of connecting, you're destined to die alone." "Come on, honey." "The mushrooms are on the bottom shelf, honey, behind the yogurt." "What?" "You look beautiful." "You got that beautiful mother's glow about you." "It's called retaining water." "My feet are so swollen I can barely walk." " So what are we cooking?" " We have Chicken Tetrazzini." "Annie saw it on Rachael Ray." "It's kind of Mom's and my thing." "Well, it sounds yummy." "Smells good." " Where's Mattie?" " He's in the garage." "Still?" "It's been over two hours." "Sweetheart, just let him be." "It's a family dinner, Julia." "That means all the family." "He'll come when he's ready." "Right?" "Sweetie, why don't you let me finish getting dinner ready while you and your dad go and practice the school play?" "She got the lead in Puss in Boots." " Puss in Boots?" "Wow!" " Yeah, come look." "I've come to see the King." "But you are merely a cat." "What business could you possibly have with His Royal Highness?" "I bear gifts from the Marquis of Carabas." "I have never heard of this Marquis." "How will you explain to your king that you stopped a very important man from talking to him?" "Please forgive me." "I will announce your arrival to His Royal Highness." "There I was, just staring at them, the two of them." "The connection between them was..." "I don't know." "I don't think I've ever felt that kind of closeness before." "Good." "You've been sitting there for 30 minutes, and that's the first time you've been able to articulate why you're here." ""Why now?" is the question." "Well, I told you." "I was staring at Sean, and..." "Nothing else?" "I mean, in general, your life was working relatively well." "Successful practice, and according to your own estimation, you've "screwed hundreds of the hottest asses in South Beach. "" "Why ask for help now?" "Sean and I recently celebrated 5,000 surgeries, and to reward my accomplishments, I picked up a couple of gals" "and screwed them until my dick almost fell off." "Fifteen years ago, I celebrated our first surgery the same way." "Have you ever had any loving adult relationships?" "Yeah, sure." "What happened?" "One of them married Sean, and the other..." "I don't know." "It just didn't work out." "Wasn't my fault." "Even Sean couldn't make it work with her." "I see." "And your recent celebratory sex." "How would you describe it?" "I could demonstrate, if you're interested." "Christian, I'm not interested in getting off on your sexual exploits." "I'm interested in understanding them." "Tell me about when you climax." "Do you look into your partner's eyes?" "We're not exactly face to face, if you get the picture." "Women who wanna play kissy-face and gaze into someone's eyes should find themselves a lesbian." "Watching your lover give themselves to you and allowing them to witness your own surrender is a shared connection." "It takes trust, courage, to be that vulnerable." "When you climax behind her back, her identity doesn't matter." "She's just a substitute for your hand." "My hand never made me buy it dinner and cuddle afterwards." "It's a power position." "Taking someone else's power and using it for your own..." "You know what?" "So is this." "It's ridiculous." "How much are you overcharging me?" "I'm forcing you to take an honest look at your behavior, since there doesn't seem to be anyone else in your life willing to do that." "Actually, Sean does that, thank you very much." "Oh, yes, the man who has everything you wish you had." "He's my best friend." "He doesn't demand anything in return, like every other goddamn woman I've ever been with." "I don't have to take care of him." "I don't have to take care of his fragile little ego." "How much?" "So you do have intimacy in your life after all." "Maybe the reason your relationships with women keep failing is because you're taken." "What the hell are you talking about?" "Have you ever considered the possibility that you're in love with your partner?" "Christian?" "Come in here and check out my balls." "The shipment of Neuticles for the Landau surgery arrived." "Which do you think would be appropriate?" "I don't know." "Ask him, they're his balls." "I know, but the ones he has now are 22 cc's." "He said they were too small." "I don't think mine are anything to be ashamed of, and they're about that size." "Look at these 40s." "I don't know about you, but I always thought the size of a man's testes was secondary to proportion." "I mean, you could sink the Bismarck with these things, right?" "Yours this big?" "Huh?" " Jesus, Sean." " Are they?" "What's the matter?" "Nothing." "I just don't feel like playing with your toy nuts, that's all." "They're not toys, Christian, they're our future." "Do you realize that over 3,500 of the 5,000 surgeries we've done have been cosmetic?" "Yeah, I looked it up." "That's 70% of our OR time spent on boob jobs and lipo, and only 30% on cases like the Landaus." "Let's flip that ratio for the next 5,000." "Thirty percent cosmetic, seventy percent reconstructive." "We have the skill to do it." "Now all we need are the balls." "Did you ever think I might like doing tit jobs?" "Tell me what you don't like about yourself, Ms. Plumb." "I want a voice lift." "You'll make an incision, implant some Gore-Tex, right?" "And then the youthfully re-tightened vocal cords eliminate the wobbles, tremors, and in some cases, raise the voice an octave." "You've done your research." "Are you a singer, or an actress, or..." ""Cindy Plumb can make you cum" ""in English, Spanish, Mandarin and Japanese." ""You may be alone, but you're not on your own. "" "I'm a phone-sex artist." "I've been getting people off for 15 years." "Dr. Graham is a specialist who does voice rehabilitation." "We don't like to cut into the larynx unless it's a last resort." " So he'll work with you and if that fails..." " As you know, Doctor, time is money." "And my clients deserve the best." "I'll be honest with you." "From the rosacea and the thread veins in your nasal area," "I'd guess you're a heavy drinker." "And your skin quality suggests you're at least a pack-a-day smoker." " Both those addictions affect your voice..." " I'm way ahead of you, Doc." "I'm off the booze, and I just started on the patch." "It's been a long road, huh?" "My marriage fell apart 17 years ago." "I couldn't give my husband what he needed sexually." "Don't you love the irony?" "I truly thought I would die." "I'd pour myself a big glass of bourbon and call up one of those chat lines." "I was very lonely." "And then one night, sitting there alone, I discovered" "I wasn't just a sad, dumped first wife," "I was a goddamn sensual goddess." "That's how it works." "You may not get what you want, but you get what you need." "Now I have a life full of these extraordinary men who know that there is nobody as smoking hot as yours truly." "I provide a connection they can't get at home." "I save marriages now, I don't lose them." " How long have you been sober?" " Two years." "And that's another irony." "I'm clearer now and better at what I do than I ever have been." "But now that I sound like a geriatric bullfrog, thanks to the booze and the ciggies, a lot of my regular clients aren't calling as often." "Any ideas on how you'd like to sound?" "Baby, you sound so good today." "Where's your hand, baby?" "That's Mr. Chin, an accountant." "He's been with me for eight years." "That's it, baby." "Are you hard, baby?" "'Cause I'm all plumped up and juicy just thinking about you." "Are you hard, baby?" "'Cause I'm all plumped up and juicy just thinking about you." "Oh, come on, Doc." "Give me back the real Cindy, huh?" " Where the hell is Christian?" " I'm sure his spirit's here and it's just his body that's still in the tanning booth." " How long's she been under?" " I wouldn't wait much longer." "Get Christian on the Batphone." " Hello?" " Where are you?" "We have a patient prepped and on the table." "I thought you said our FeatherLift rescheduled." "And then I also told you that I scheduled a laryngoplasty in its place!" "I'm in the dentist's chair getting a power bleaching." "So you're gonna have to go ahead without me." "Okay, now, where were we?" "You were saying you were no longer happy with the overly-styled, metrosexual esthetic." "If you could be more specific." "Well, for example, the bedding." " It's far too..." " Soft." "Yeah, soft." "And the drapes, the drapes are too filmy." "In other words, you want me to butch it up." "Yeah." "Yeah, butch it up." "Slowly bring her out." "Cindy, I need you to repeat after me, okay?" ""She speaks pleasingly. "" "She speaks pleasingly." "I wanna shave off just a hair." "The day Dr. Allenby told me I had a 50-50 chance of passing these beauties down to my kids, she also promised she would support whatever decision I came to." "My coin came up tails each time." "Both kids have it." "Did it make you waver at all in your decision when you found out that they had electrodact..." " Ectrodactyly." " Sorry." "I know." "Clumsy word, hard to pronounce." "But it's a hell of a lot better than Lobster Claw Syndrome!" "Yeah, I wavered." "But ultimately," "I decided they had every right to be here and be different." "Was it hard as a child to make the adjustments?" "Physically, you figure it out." "Like standing and walking." "Emotionally, bit by bit." "Because, really, it's the rest of the conventional world that makes you feel handicapped." "And has it affected your ability to make a living?" "Are you kidding?" "I'm the top sales rep at Lauder because of it." "I've cultivated this gregarious personality so people would be more fascinated with who I was than what I look like." "It's just, you know..." "You know how it is." "We feel such love for our children." "We just want everything to be perfect, you know?" "You know, nothing's ever that." "I think life is more about embracing your imperfections." "I mean, how else can you embrace anyone else's?" "You're so right." "You know, you seem so much more comfortable with yourself than I am, and..." "God, you must have had very special parents." "The day I was born, my father took one look at me and bolted." "Wussy." "Great." "Wasn't sure you'd be here." "My soap's out." "Move over." "Yeah, you know, I can do this one myself." "It's your turn to take the afternoon off." "Why don't you go play some golf?" "Golf?" "When have you ever seen me play golf?" "Exactly." "You need to learn." "Name me one other successful doctor you know that is so hard at work, he doesn't have time for 18 holes." "Well, I could name you two." "And the reason is because we keep doubling up on all these surgeries." "If we wanna grow, we need to learn how to work smarter, not harder." "But I thought you liked to work that way." "As a team." "That was always your idea." "I'm fine flying solo." "Always have been." "I can't keep being your hobby, Sean." "Okay, which one of you ladies has this man's balls?" "I should have guessed." " We ready to go?" " Meter's running." "Excellent." "We're not waiting for Sean?" "Nope." "It's a one-man show today, darling." "That why you need an audience?" "Am I in trouble?" "That depends." "What are you doing out here?" " I wanted to watch." " Really?" "Do you like to watch, Mrs. Landau?" "When it comes to my husband," "I'd rather be in there suturing the implants myself." "He's been to so many doctors this year." "They all spend five minutes in a room with him and suddenly they're qualified to take his life into their hands and I have to sit in the waiting room biting my nails." "I can't do that again." "Even the guy who fixes my car lets me look under the hood." "I understand your concern, but we have a policy that strictly forbids clients watching me play doctor." "Just looking at you," "I find it hard to believe you've never broken that rule before, Dr. Troy." "Everything okay?" "That better?" "What are you doing?" "She's his wife." "She can't observe the surgery." "If anything goes wrong, malpractice is not gonna cover us." "You know what's great about having a pair of these, Liz?" "You're not afraid to work without a net." "Fifteen-blade." "His scrotum's gonna swell to the size of a grapefruit over the next couple of weeks." "I recommend the only sexual contact you have with your husband is throwing him a bag of ice or a bucket of Vicodin." "What about irrigating the scar with some saline and Betadine swabs?" "Burt made his money in the medical field." "It kind of rubs off." "I wanna thank you again." "It's refreshing to see a doctor put his ego aside and treat me with equal respect." "Well, if you really want to thank me, why don't you come to my place for dinner tonight?" "Why go through all that trouble?" "We should just hop into the empty bed right here." "Before he wakes up." "I'm flattered." "But I've never cheated on my husband, and I never will." "I'm sorry." "After the very strong signals you've been sending me, I thought..." "I know what you thought." "You don't understand how someone my age can be attracted to an older man." "Certainly not without a pre-nup." "So you just assumed I married him for his money?" "Absolutely." "You don't choose who you love, Dr. Troy." "It chooses you." "I never saw myself with an older man, either." "But when I stopped fighting what my heart truly wanted," "I realized how happy I was with Burt." "Content." "Well, in that case," "I humbly withdraw my indecent proposition." "What if I had a proposition for you, Dr. Troy?" "Buy us?" "We're not for sale." "We are at this price." " Impressive, but I'm not impressed." " Just read the proposal." "The up-front payment is just for majority stake in the company." "We still get our salary, we still own part of the business." "We just don't have to deal with all the managerial bullshit, that's all." " But why us?" " Who cares?" "You heard the guy." "He eats paper planes and shits out space shuttles." "It's gonna make us rich." "Look, we work 70 hours a week just to keep pace, right?" "This is gonna give us at least 30 of those hours back." "They're not just buying our business, they're helping keep us sane." " But I am sane." " Bullshit!" "You're a workaholic!" "And you got another kid on the way." "I mean, you gonna let Julia raise another one on her own?" "You saw what a 70-hour work week did to Matt." "Your genes are as responsible for that as my work habits." "Are the Landaus gonna pay to replace those?" "I'd be all for that!" "Why are you doing this?" "You've been acting strange and distant all week, and now you want to sell off this thing we made together." " What the hell's wrong with you?" " Nothing is wrong with me." "I just think we're still young men." "Why tie ourselves down until we're not anymore?" "This isn't a burden that I'm tied to." "It's our child." "Well, maybe it's time to let your kiddie grow up." "Come on." "This is what it's all about." "You build a business, you sell it off and walk off into the sunset with a buttload of cash." "Sorry, Christian, but we need to both sign off on a sale, and I won't do it." "I guess you're stuck with me." "Christian wants to sell the business and have us work there as employees." "I don't know what's going on with him." "Asshole!" "I'm his partner." "He's acting like he's just in this alone." "What?" "What's the matter?" "It's about the baby." " You lost it?" " No." "It's Christian's?" "Dr. Allenby took another sonogram, and we're having a baby boy." "A boy?" "I'm having a son?" "Something wrong?" "Something wrong with our baby?" "Yeah." "It's called Electridl..." "I can't even pronounce it." "Ectrodactyly?" "How long have you known about this?" "Well, I knew that there was a possibility that..." "Wait, you knew that..." "You knew there was a possibility?" "And you didn't tell me?" "I thought things were gonna be different, Julia." "I mean, one son was a lie." "I thought we were really gonna be together this time." "I didn't know what "we" were." "I mean, after everything we've been through," "I didn't know how we'd be." "But I've made a decision that I'm having this baby no matter what." "Our baby." "And, you know, I'm sorry." "Maybe I should've told you instead of pulling away." "I'm sorry." "You still couldn't trust me?" "No, Sean, it wasn't that." "It was because I didn't know how it would feel between us." "And I was scared that if I told you, you wouldn't want it, and that I might lose you." "You should've been honest with me, Julia." "Look, I can leave." "You know, you're..." "We're not married, you're not bound to me." "I'm not gonna ask anything of you." "And I'm selling my shares from the spa so that I can be with the baby full-time." "I'm so sorry." "It's our baby, Julia." "I wanna do this with you." "It's not going to be easy." "I don't know what we're gonna do." "We're gonna love each other." " What are you doing?" " Just taking a little drive." "I was in the neighborhood, thought I'd drop by, see my partner." "Why is there a statue of a cock in the corner?" "It's not a cock, Sean." "It's called abstract art." "It's from the Brutalism movement." "Is it a couch or is it a crocodile?" "Why'd you change everything?" "I liked it the way it was." "Are you drunk?" "Have you ever tried protein powder?" "I've been working out." "You've officially been replaced as my hobby." "Anyway, the stuff tastes like ass, so I juiced it up a bit with a delightfully-flavored vodka." " I'll get you a cup of coffee." " Oh, screw Folgers." "Break out the champagne!" "Let's celebrate the sale of our business." " Are you serious?" " Oh, you're right, Christian." "I am a goddamn workaholic." "It's gotta stop before I give myself a heart attack." "Julia's all for selling, by the way." "She wants to be a full-time mom this time around." "Gina's agreed to buy out her shares of the spa." "Yeah." "That cash isn't rolling in anytime soon." "Handicapped children need a lot of extra care, not to mention money," "so it all works out perfectly." "My little boy's got ectrodactyly." "My little innocent unborn baby boy got hit with a one-in-a-million bolt of lightning." "Jesus." "I'm so sorry." "I don't want your pity." "You should be happy, after all." "You got the perfect son." "I know you don't believe this now, but in time, things will all work out fine." " He'll be able to live a normal life." " No, he won't!" "He'll never be normal!" "Look, you're a doctor." "You know what those hands look like." "He's never gonna be able to play ball in the backyard with his old man." "Never be able to go out in public and not be stared at by strangers who whisper and laugh that he's a freak!" "Did you just find out?" "She got the final diagnosis this week." "And now she's six months along." "The ship has sailed." "Would you have asked her to have an abortion if you knew about it earlier?" "Yes." "God help me, yes." "Yep." "I'll see you Monday at the lawyer's office." "Hi, I'm Cindy." "What can I do for you this evening?" "Hi." "Want some company?" "Not tonight, sweetheart." "Thanks." "English"