"All alone." "Everybody else is out recording their DVDs." "I've got an idea." "(UPBEAT POP MUSIC)" "(AUDIENCE HUBBUB)" "ANNOUNCER:" "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the stage Stewart Francis!" "(APPLAUSE)" "(INAUDIBLE)" "Wow." "Yeah!" "More!" "(CHEERING GETTING LOUDER)" "Oh, my God..." "Thank you, thank you so much for coming out tonight." "I hope it doesn't prove to be a waste of time for you." "Goodnight." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "ANNOUNCER:" "That was Stewart Francis!" "For Stewart Francis merchandise" "Please don't drink and drive." "That, my friends, is a small sample of the kind of fun we're gonna have" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) over the next five and a half hours." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "I'm only kidding." "We're not going to have fun." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "It's not that kind of comedy show." "This is a lovely venue, you're a fantastic audience," "I've got some pretty good gags." "Shall we?" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "All right then." "This comedy bus is going to Giggle Street." "They say if you're nervous, just picture the audience naked unless you're doing a kids' show." "Got a lot of couples here tonight." "I love blind dates 'cause you can stare at their tits." "Nice, yeah." "(APPLAUSE)" "Some of you are like "Hey, you can't make fun of the blind."" "Watch me." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "This is a dream come true for some of you." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "I just hope I don't disappoint." "I don't think I will." "I pride myself on doing a good job, I'm a bit of a pre-fectionist." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "This may come as a surprise to some of you." "(YELLING)" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "Oh, good, so you like the clever stuff." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "Baby, you've come to the right..." "Place!" "Last night I went to a karaoke bar that didn't play any '70s music." "At first I was afraid..." "Oh, I was petrified." "What's the deal with train spotters?" "I counted 2 7 of the losers today." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "My record's 41 ." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "That was one sweet Sunday morning." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "My hobbies include rewiring microwave ovens and meeting firemen." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "Oh, you're new." "Hello." "My dad has a weird hobby." "He collects empty bottles, which sounds so much better than "alcoholic," doesn't it?" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "Do I sometimes get my sayings mixed up?" "Does the Pope shit in the woods?" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "I don't know." "He might." "I'm not here to judge." "I recently went to a ventriloquists' convention." "I was standing at the back of the room thinking," ""Oh, my God, look at all these losers."" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "(THROUGH TEETH) Losers." "Losers." "Losers." "What is wrong with you people?" "People." "People." "People." "(NORMAL VOICE) You guys like impressions?" "Yeah, me too." "They're good, aren't they?" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "I like them a lot." "I don't do impressions, I perform self-deprecating comedy, although I'm not very good at it." "Have you ever noticed how popular observational comedy is?" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "(APPLAUSE)" "I think bad spellers should form an onion." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "The show's called Tour de Francis, so you can imagine my disappointment when I heard that there's a bicycle race" "with a similar name." "There's something to be said about originality." "In fact, was it Norman Wisdom or Lee Evans who once said..." "It's said most men's sexual fantasy is to be involved in a threesome and I thought it was mine, until recently." "I was involved in a threesome." "I'll be honest with you, my friends." "I didn't like it." "Halfway through I stopped and said, "Listen, Rick, Jim... (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" ""I'll be straight with you chaps." ""I'm not enjoying this." "Ouch."" "No, I couldn't be gay." "I just don't have it in me." "Ladies, by applause, how many of you think men just pretend to listen to you and don't actually give a shit what you think?" "(APPLAUSE)" "Okay, now by applause, how many of you think men just pretend to listen to you and don't actually give a shit what you're saying?" "(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Did he just say the same thing twice?" "Did I applaud both times?" "God, he's gorgeous." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "He looks like a young Harrison Ford!" "Shh, I think he's starting his next joke." "(NORMAL VOICE) I did something nice today." "I held the elevator door for a spastic." "Oh, sorry." "That's an inappropriate word." "You say "lift."" "I think the guy who designed the thong's a bit up his own arse." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "Just because I have arthritis doesn't mean I can't live a normal... (IN PAIN) Oh, fuck." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "Tell you a bit about myself, I'm not a very competitive person." "I'm always the first to say it." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "I'm not very good at hide-and-seek, I think you'll find." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "Never play hide-and-seek with a Peking duck." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "Cheating bastards." "I'm not a driven man, which is why I was late." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "I was actually late because I was high-fiving a centipede." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "A badly-timed high five is a real slap in the face." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "I've been called "too vague" by you-know-who." "But, you know the old saying." "I'm a paranoid schizophrenic, but you know what they say." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "What?" "What do they say?" "I hate indecisive people." "Well, "hate" is a strong word... (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "I've been called a hypochondriac, which really hurts." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "A lot of people call me old-fashioned." "Poppycock!" "I've been called irritating by not one, not two, not three, not four... (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "Not five, not seventeen, not forty one, not eight, not M..." "I have met some cynical people in my 28 years." "Did I already..." "Did I already do my deja vu joke?" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "Where I was once opposed, I'm now in favour of fat people being buried together." "The plot thickens." "(APPLAUSE)" "You laugh funny, mister." "(MIMICKING HIGH-PITCHED LAUGHTER)" "This is going great." "I've had a great show, a great run." "One reviewer, however, call me a poor man's Jimmy Carr, which is more of a reflection on you." "Springtime, as heard by you and I." "(BIRDSONG)" "Springtime as heard by a psychotic." "(BIRDSONG) -(WHISPERING) Kill your neighbours." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "There was a documentary about kids with weird names that I watched with keen interest." "And Keen Interest said to me, "Daddy... (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" ""Where's Venezuela?"" "I said, "He should be home right after lacrosse practice."" "Just then, who walks in?" "And behind Who..." ""Knowledge is power." That's a famous quote by someone, it's not important." "What is important... (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "Is that you know your facts." "That's what the late Dolly Parton used to always say." "Before she was killed in Vietnam." "Damn you, O.J. Simpson." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practise to deceive." "I wrote that." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "So much nudity on TV, I just sit there shaking my fist." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING LOUDLY)" "Last night I was furious." "All this nudity!" "It's getting out of hand!" "I'm back in the game." "Now, I'm not an expert on masturbation, but I hold my own." "Nothing weird about masturbating, it's perfectly natural." "I remember the first time my parents found me masturbating." "I wasn't ashamed." "I was startled." "I almost dropped their wedding picture." "I know!" "I know!" "Aww..." "I was looking at the priest." "I'm not a fucking weirdo." "Ooh, you." "Great, now some of you think I'm a weirdo." "Someone get my cape and my pogo stick, I'm leaving." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "I'll tell you about my family." "I'm the youngest of three." "My parents are both older." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "I have mixed race parents." "My father prefers the 1 00 metres and... (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "My mother's Pakistani." "Ajoke with two punch lines." "(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) This guy's good!" "God, he's gorgeous." "He looks like a young Richard Gere." "Shh, I think he's starting his next joke." "I farted in a full lift today, which was wrong on so many levels." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "We all have bittersweet memories of our childhood." "I recall one summer when the neighbourhood parents were buying their children skateboards." "It was the rage at the time." "Except for my parents." "They told me we were too poor, that they couldn't afford to buy me a skateboard." "But I remember one night I tippy-toed out of my bedroom, got a piece of wood and a hammer and I beat them to death." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "My foster parents bought me five skateboards." "It was the rage at the time." "Growing up, I was under the impression that I was adopted." "A lot of kids have that insecurity and feel, for whatever reason, that they were adopted." "I was one of those children until I was about nine years old." "I finally asked my parents." "I said, "Mom, Dad, I don't know why, but I think" ""I'm adopted." "Am I?" They both chuckled and my dad said to me... (IMITATING CHINESE)" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "(IMITATING CHINESE)" "Ee-lig-ging-gai-mng-goi." "Ee-lig-ging-gai-mng-goi." "It's true when you think about it." "I'd like to dedicate my performance to my father, who was a roofer." "So, Dad, if you're up there... (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "Ee-lig-ging-gai-mng-goi, old man." "Ee-lig-ging-gai-mng-goi." "I was raised by my father." "My mother left before I was born... (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "I liked being raised by my father." "He's schizophrenic, but he's good people." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "I remember one summer, I was five and he was Mussolini... (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "Went to the park that day." "I love parks." "Standing in the park today, wondering, "Why does a frisbee appear larger the closer it gets?"" "And then it hit me." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "I was under the impression my dad didn't like me very much when I was a kid growing up, 'cause he hardly ever did anything with me." "He only took me fishing once and I remember swimming back to shore thinking," "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" ""My dad doesn't like me very much."" "We only went golfing once and I remember swimming back to shore thinking," "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" ""Golf's a lot like fishing." "My dad doesn't like me very much."" "My dad took off when I was about 1 0 years old." "Turns out my father is a trucking Mormon." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "No, he's a fucking moron." "I always get those two mixed up." "They hate me in Utah." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "So many people jumped on the Barack Obama bandwagon, which, as an African-American... (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "My grandma, who's addicted to tea, hates the way I say things. (WHISTLING)" "She doesn't enjoy my visits. (WHISTLING)" "My uncle's a hypnotist... (ROBOTIC VOICE) Who has never inappropriately touched me." "(CLUCKING)" "Two of my best friends are named William Hill." "What are the odds?" "I'm tired of people calling me lazy." "I've had it up to here." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "I really am lazy." "I'm so lazy... (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "Just been joking around about my family." "Truth of the matter is, I was abandoned as a baby and raised by meerkats." "In fact, one of my brothers is here tonight." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "(YELPING)" "(WHISPERING) Gary!" "Did I already do my deja vu joke?" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "You guys like impressions." "I'll try one." "Here's my impression of an after-dinner speaker at a bulimia convention." ""Hey, where's everybody going?"" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "Adrian Chiles, # one, one, one # ugly fucker." "Even Harry Redknapp's like, "What the fuck happened to him?"" "The Chuckle Brothers might be funny to you, to me... (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "They're shit." "I recently did this show with Eamonn Holmes and I said to him," ""What do I call you?" "Eamonn?" "Mr Holmes?" He said," "(IN IRISH ACCENT) "Call me whatever you like," ""just don't call me late for dinner." ""Seriously," ""do not call me late for dinner."" ""Stat."" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "(NORMAL VOICE) I'm not worried about him suing me." "Have you seen how many steps are at a courthouse?" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "He's fat." "So, Halloween just passed." "Well, it did when I wrote this joke." "I hope you like it." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "I remember the first time my father took me trick-or-treating." "I remember swimming back to shore thinking," "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" ""Snoopy costumes are heavy when they're wet."" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "Because of ridiculous stereotypes, people can be so ignorant towards other nationalities." "I'm thin, I don't play the banjo, I don't fuck my cousin and still people assume I'm American." "What's that all aboot?" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "You're looking at a very proud Canadian who's very proud of the education system in Canadia." "I think... (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "I think it's the goodest of all 1 7 countries." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "I was horrible in school." "I failed Maths so many times I can't even count." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "I was good at history." "No... (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "No, I wasn't." "(WHISPERING) So long ago." "So what if I can't spell "Armageddon"?" "It's not the end of the world." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "In school the other kids used to push me and call me lazy." "I loved that wheelchair." "I preferred French over chemistry because the chemistry teacher and I just didn't have any... (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "What's the word?" "Rapport." "Sadly, I don't speak French." "Such is life." "Or, as the French say, (IN FRENCH ACCENT) "Such is life."" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "Today I went to a French restaurant and was served by a really ugly waitress... (SHUDDERING)" "She gave me the crepes." "In school, one teacher used to always say I wasn't very observant, but you know what, that was his or her opinion." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "Another teacher said that I was incapable of...retaining information." "Me!" "Stewart Fletcher." "Francis." "Damn you, life line!" "One teacher said I'd be a better student if I spent less time flirting." "I immediately jumped off his lap." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Reminisce." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "Good times." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "who don't know what they're talking about use false statistics." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "Three point seven billion people." "That's half the population of Portugal." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "Two thirds of you think I'm full of shit." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "And the other two-thirds don't." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "I'm okay with those numbers." "Correct me if I'm wrong, but people who say "Correct me if I'm wrong,"" "seldom are." "That's why they say it." "They know they're right." "You never hear someone saying, "Correct me if I'm wrong," ""but a kitten invented the steam engine."" "I like my women the way I like my coffee, picked by migrant workers." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "Women are attracted to bad boys." "I read that in prison." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "In a magazine I stole." "Twice." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "They say opposites attract, but try explaining that to my short, ugly wife." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "Fortunately she doesn't get that joke." "Thick!" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "No, I'm not married." "If I was married, would I be able to do this?" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "For that long?" "I don't think so." "No, I've got a girlfriend." "My girlfriend thinks I'm afraid of commitment." "Well, she's not my girlfriend... (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "No, she is my girlfriend." "I've been going out with my girlfriend for..." "Sex." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "Dirty, dirty sex." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "My girlfriend thinks I'm very mature." "(MAKING CHILDISH RUDE NOISES)" "She also thinks I'm incapable of being faithful." "My wife, on the other hand... (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "Has a sister I wouldn't mind, If you know what I mean?" "And you do know what I mean." "It was implied." "I have a friend who doesn't know how to do the "If you know what I mean" thing." "He'll say to me, "I'm gonna go home and I'm going to slide my penis" ""into my wife's vagina, if you know what I mean."" "I'm like, "No, what are you gonna do?" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" ""Where do you live?" "Why do you keep winking?"" "It's a good time to wink when you say something cheeky." "Bad time to wink, "I'm not a racist."" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" ""I've never slept with an animal before."" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "My dad was a man of few words." "I remember he used to say to me, "Son... (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" ""Get your trunks." "We're going to the library."" "Like most deaf people, my father went to the school of hard knocks." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "Some of you are like, "You can't make fun of the deaf."" "(MOUTHING) Watch me." "The best advice I ever received from my father was that you can't run away from your problems and, to this day, I still have that postcard." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "New Zealand looks lovely." "My dad used to say," ""A man should never be ashamed of what he does for a living."" "He would then put on a clown costume and go to work." "Arguably the worst lawyer ever." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" ""Your Honour, if it pleases the court." (HONKING)" "(IMITATING SQUIRTING FLOWER)" "I don't think I got the job at Microsoft." "They haven't responded to my telegram." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" ""Dear Microsoft, stop." "When do I start?" "Stop."" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "I was a mime and it's only now I can talk about it." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "I was a trapeze artist, but I was let go." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "I was a trampoline salesman, off and on." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "I was a glass blower, but then Mr Glass was transferred." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "I was fired as a taxidermist for doing a half-assed job." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "I used to install mirrors, which is something I could always see myself doing." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "I quit my job as a psychic." "I just didn't see any future in it." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "I quit my job at the helium gas factory." "I refuse to be spoken to in that tone." "That's the thing, my friends I'm a one-liner comedian." "I'm not a storyteller." "Interesting how that all started... (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "I want to donate a large sum of money to a rape clinic and I won't take no for an answer." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "Rape victims." "If they can't take a joke, fuck 'em." "It's usually around this point," "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) when some of you are thinking, "This isn't the guy from Crackerjack."" "Tried phone sex recently." "Got my phone bill just the other day." "?" "853." "Man, don't call Stuttering Sluts." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "(STUTTERING) Hi, I'm gonna..." "(STUTTERING) I'm gonna suck it... (STUTTERING) Are you still there?" "(STUTTERING) Fuck." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "(FARTING NOISE)" "Hey, should lesbians be allowed to use dildos?" "They made their choice." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "Do homeless people really get knock-knock jokes?" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "But what if dolphins don't want to swim with retarded children?" "Finally, a comedian with the courage to do a dolphin joke." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "Move over, Frankie Boyle, there's a new sheriff in town." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "He's hot." "(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) God, he's gorgeous." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "He looks like that guy from A-ha!" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "Shh, I think he's starting his next joke." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "Ever seen someone so Chinese it looks like it hurts?" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "What's up with that?" "It's okay." "I can do that joke because some of my best friends are racist." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING LOUDLY)" "Okay?" "KKK?" "It's all good in the 'hood." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "I went to university on a swimming scholarship." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "In university, I was going to join the debating team, but someone talked me out of it." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "I don't know how to say this, so I'm going to say something else instead." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "There's a fine line between hyphenated words." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "I read that ten out of two people are dyslexic." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "Some of you are like, "Wow."" "I mean, "Wow."" "Are dyslexics accepted here in the KU?" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "I hope so." "A friend of mine's a dyslexic chef." "Don't order the carp." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "(WHISPERING) Tastes like shit." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "(NORMAL VOICE) I want to write a mystery novel." "Or do I?" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "I actually have written a book." "Or have I?" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "I won't do it again." "Or will he?" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "It's hard to tell with this renegade." "Or is it?" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "I've written a book about a transsexual with a speech impediment." "It's titled Man or Miss." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "(LISPING) It's in bookstores." "I love to go to bookstores..." "Sorry, wrong joke." "(NORMAL VOICE) I love to go to bookstores and say to the clerk, "Hello, I'm looking for a book titled" ""How to Deal with Rejection Without Killing. "" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" ""Do you have it?"" "(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) "Yes, I think we do have that one, sir." ""You stay here, I'll go get it." ""What am I supposed to do?" "Trish?" "What am I supposed to do?" "Trish?" ""I like your top." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" ""What am I supposed to do?"" "(NORMAL VOICE) "Why are you tickling my nuts like that?"" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "When I was a little boy I used to sing in the choir and all the other boys in the choir used to tease me and to this day I still don't know why." "But one day when they were teasing me I just stood up to them and said," "(IN FALSETTO) # Che sera, sera Whatever will be, will be" "# The future's not ours to see Che sera, sera" "# What will be, will be Che sera, sera #" "(AUDIENCE CHEERING)" "They sure beat the shit out of me that afternoon." "Did I already do my deja vu joke?" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "When I was a kid my dad used to always hit me with a camera." "I still have flashbacks." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "And a really weird photo album." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "When I was a kid my fairy godmother asked me if I wanted a long penis or a long memory." "I forget my response." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "My back is killing me." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "Ladies?" "I think women who think size doesn't matter are shallow." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) This guy's deep." "God, he's gorgeous." "Looks like a young James Garner." "Shh, I think he's starting his next joke." "I am well-hung." "I wasn't circumcised." "I was circumnavigated." "The more someone boasts about something, the less likely it's true." "Who told me that?" "My big cock." "I think stage moms get a bad rap for being too pushy." "There." "I said it." "I heard one of those girly laughs." "I love it." "(GIGGLING AND SNORTING)" "My sexual fantasy is to make love to Sigmund Freud's father..." "Mother!" "Fuck!" "I used to drive a Focus, but..." "Come on." "Sorry." "I now drive an Echo." "You heard me." "You know you're driving a piece of shit when a hitchhiker says to you," ""No, no, go ahead."" ""Don't stop." "Don't worry about it."" "Driving around town today and a kid pulls up beside me in a souped-up car." "And he had the stereo blaring and the song has been in my head all day." "It's been driving me crazy." "I don't know the name of the song." "Maybe some of the crowd can help me?" "The song goes like this." "(GRUNTING RHYTHMICALLY)" "(GETTING QUIETER)" "He drove away, so it got quieter." "(GRUNTING LOUDER AGAIN)" "I caught up." "What's it called?" "I love that song." "I've been humming that song all day." "(GRUNTING AGAIN)" "The guy at HMV thinks I'm retarded." ""How does that song go, sir?"" "(GRUNTING)" ""Yeah, let me see if we have that one, sir."" "Let's have a wee look here." "(INAUDIBLE)" ""Sorry, sir." "We don't seem to have that."" "Was that me?" "It's my own fault." "I should wear pants when I go out." "Mental note - wear pants when I go out." "(IMITATING HANDICAPPED PERSON) Wear pants when I go out." "Mental note - don't do any mental note jokes at the Bloomsbury." "(IMITATING HANDICAPPED PERSON) Don't do any mental note jokes at the Bloomsbury." "(YAPPING LIKE A DOG)" "Not enough respect in this world." "As I'm sure you idiots would agree." "Too much anger." "I know what the world needs." "# What the world needs now #" "Turn up my mic just a bit, please?" "# Is love, sweet love #" "Just a little bit, please." "# It's the... #" "Will you turn up the fucking mic, you fucking idiot?" "Be professional, for fuck's sakes!" "# That there's just too little of #" "I'd like to sing a song I wrote to dispel the rumours that I'm egotistical." "(CLEARING THROAT) # Me, me, me, me" "# Me, me, me, me #" "Thank you." "(SINGING A JAZZ DOUBLE BASS LINE)" ""Excuse me." "(SINGING A JAZZ DOUBLE BASS LINE)" ""Why are you holding the back of my neck while tickling my genitals?"" "True story." "That is a true story." "Can bald people have hairline fractures?" "Do vegetarians like to meat people?" "Is happy-go-lucky one fucking word?" "Imagine discriminating against someone simply because of the colour of their skin." "Put yourself in their shoes." "Or whatever the fuck they wear." "What's up with that?" "Let's get him!" "I don't care if you're black." "I don't care if you're white." "I don't care if you're Asian." "I don't care about you." "That was a bit charming." "I think you'll find I ooze charm." "Oh, there goes some now." "For Christ's sake, I've got charm running down my fucking leg." "I'm going to do a very tasteless and very long carbon emissions joke." "Start the car." "I travel a lot." "I was recently out there." "Oh, where!" "You should never book a holiday when you're hungry." "That's not to say I didn't enjoy Turkey and Brussels." "I recently went to Sweden." "I've always wanted to go to Sweden ever since I was a little girl." "I recently went to Bangkok where men are men and so are women." "I recently went to Birmingham." "I know, no one likes a show-off." "I went to Birmingham with low expectations and left disappointed." "A lot of people prefer Birmingham in the summer." "I prefer it in the rear view mirror." "And even though I'm proud my father invented the rear view mirror, we're not as close as we appear." "(SIGHING) Beautiful women here." "I swear there's nothing as powerful as a beautiful woman." "Why, a beautiful woman can move a mountain." "Actually, she'd get a man to move the mountain." "Then she'd bitch about where he put it." "Cheers. (SIGHING)" "It's going great." "I've had some great shows." "I did a show last night for a group of backpackers." "They were sitting on the edge of their seats." "And if you don't like a backpacking joke, well put it behind you, okay?" "Take a hike." "I fly a lot." "I'm always impressed when I fly." "Who wouldn't be?" ""How the fuck am I doing this?" I think to myself, while flapping my arms vigorously." "But I'm also impressed by how calm pilots can be in adverse conditions." "You'll be flying through violent turbulence." "Passengers bouncing off each other screaming." "Captain Calm comes on the PA system." "So soothing." "So comforting." "Some of them sound like midnight DJs, for God's sakes." ""Hey, ladies." ""Captain Darcy Tucker here." ""Sorry about the bumpy flight." "I'll get us over this A.S.A.P." ""In the meantime, I've switched on the seatbelt sign, so just sit back," ""relax and enjoy the flight." ""On flight 404." "Flying through the night." ""Flight 404." "No talk." "Just flying." ""Flight 404." ""Up next, Luther Vandross, with Here and Now" ""on flight 404."" "I'm under the impression that nothing would faze one of these guys." ""Hey, it's your pilot speaking." ""Somehow a couple of wild baboons have gotten loose in the cockpit." ""They just beat my co-pilot, Roger Hoyle, to death with a large rock." ""One of them is gnawing on my Achilles' tendon as I speak." ""I'm just gonna try and calm the little fella down." ""In the meantime, I've switched on the seatbelt sign," ""so just sit back, relax and enjoy the flight." ""If I could get one of the flight attendants to bring up" ""a bag of peanuts and some rope," ""as I'm hungry and my pants keep falling" ""on flight 404." ""Up next, Teddy Pendergrass, with Love TKO."" "(IMITATING DRUM FILL)" "I'm also an actor." "I recently auditioned for the part of Jesus Christ." "Nailed it!" "I was so convincing, they want to see me again in three days." "Is religion about making money?" "I don't know." "Ask a prophet." "My uncle is easily the most devout Catholic I've ever been fucked by." "Easily." "It's funny, the things you remember." "I remember my dead uncle Harry once saying... (IMITATING A GHOST)" "He died two years later." "He was crushed by a piano." "His funeral was very low-key." "B flat." "I can't leave on that note." "But I believe I must." "I'm a member of Over-Actors Anonymous and we have an Over-Actors Anonymous meeting that starts in..." "(IN SCOTTISH ACCENT) "Hello, ladies and gentlemen." "My name is Sean Connery." ""You'd be hard-pressed to find someone who loves Scotland as much as I do." ""I'll be in Spain if you need me." ""Barcelona, to be precise." ""Because it's got a lot of sausages." ""I love to say words with 'sh'." ""Mysterious."" "Things are going pretty good for me." "I was at another book-signing session today." "I'll tell you, librarians have no sense of humour." "A part of me feels I can be too candid." "Another part of me is my bum hole." "Just south of Canada is a country called the United States of America." "You might not have heard of them." "Very quiet, very unassuming." "Crazy things happen there though." "I read in the paper, a hunter in the States shot and killed a man that he mistook to be an elk." "The hunter had a tough time explaining to the police what he thought an elk was doing in a motel room fucking his wife." "Also in the States, a man robbed an art class." "Actually held up an art class." "Police now have 22 sketches of the robber." "Unfortunately for agoraphobics, a cure is just around the corner." "I recently went to Australia." "I hated it." "I don't know why boomerangs keep returning." "I sure as fuck won't be." "Going to Australia is like stepping back in time." "They still have racism and Woolworths." "Ironically, racists love pick'n'mix." "Irony." "That's one thing I truly do respect about you people here in Great Britain." "Irony." "It's everywhere." "Today, I slapped a homeless person so hard my charm bracelet fell off." "Irony." "Sharon Osbourne judges talent." "(LAUGHING)" "Irony." "There's a paper in Britain called The Sun." "Most of us want the same thing." "To marry that someone special and to live in that dream house with the white neighbourhood." "Sigh." "Nobody wants to be alone." "A recently divorced friend of mine is hopeful of once again finding romance." "Beer-bellied, completely bald." "I don't like her chances." "And the lazy eye doesn't help." "And if you have a lazy eye and you're offended by that joke, I didn't say it." "The guy you've been staring at in the corner all night did." "He's a bastard." "A gorgeous bastard." "(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) "Looks like a young Patrick Swayze."" ""Ssh, I think he's starting his next joke."" "You gotta be careful." "I was involved in a one-night stand that went horribly wrong." "We've been married three years now." "My wife and I are at that stage in our marriage where we're starting to finish each other's drinks." "Just find it helps numb the pain." "We're always arguing over the little things, which she'd prefer I didn't call our midget neighbours." "Little things, they are." "My wife is beautiful." "My wife has an ass like J-Lo." "No, Jell-O." "Bloop!" "(LAUGHING)" "Bloop!" "(LAUGHING)" "Bloop!" ""Oh, yeah, we're having sex." "Okay."" "My wife is from Scotland." "We've been married three years." "I have not understood a fucking word she has said." "And the novelty has worn off." "It's no longer cute." ""Darling, what would you like to do tonight?"" "(YELLING IN SCOTTISH ACCENT) "Hey, rootin tooting!" "Arr Arr Arr!" "Rootin!" ""Ah!"" "# Ah-rootin tootin tootin toot #" "What the fuck?" "Rootin tootin?" "Are you having a stroke?" ""Do you wanna see a movie?" "Aye!"" ""Oh, aye!"" "Don't do that." "You look like Deirdre." "(IN RASPY LOW VOICE) "Oh, Tracy."" "(SINGING THEME TO CORONATION STREET)" "I'm the only person in this room that watches Coronation Street." "What movie would you like to see, my little highland thistle?" ""Hey!" "Ho!" "Ha!" ""Ah-rootin tootin tootin toot." ""Ah-rootin tootin tootin toot." ""Ah-rootin tootin..."" "(CLUCKING)" "Oh, Braveheart, yeah, of course." "Good idea." "We haven't seen that in hours." "You gotta let it go, honey." "And I'm not ashamed of my wife." "If you don't believe me, go out to the car and ask her." "Ask her loud, she's in the boot." "A lot of churches don't let you throw confetti, which, and this is going to sound corny, put a real damper on my mom's funeral." "Well, rice it is." "(WHISTLING DING-DONG THE WITCH IS DEAD)" "My wife and I have decided we don't want children." "If anybody does, we can drop them off tomorrow." "The fat one has asthma." "Is that even good?" "He's usually too out of breath to tell me." "No, we have a beautiful little girl, who we named after my mom." "In fact, Passive-Aggressive Psycho turns five tomorrow." "I just hope my kids don't become cynical like their father, whoever he is." "Is my wife dissatisfied with my body?" "A tiny part of me says yes." "I was the victim in that joke and I didn't like it." "But I guess I have to learn that every joke has a victim." "It depends on your perspective as to who that victim is." "I recently worked with a comedian who did a joke about Christopher Reeve, unaware of the fact that in the audience was a man in a wheelchair who clearly did not think the joke was funny." "Behind that man, a table of horses that thought it was fucking hilarious." "My wife and I met at a castanet class, where we clicked." "(CHUCKLING) No, we didn't." "That's not entirely funny." "No, we're both tightrope walkers." "We met online." "I don't like this kind of comedy either, folks." "No, we actually met in a museum." "And the rest is history!" "1 4 more, yay!" "No, we actually met at a driving range, where we hit it off!" "Truthfully, we met at a chess match, where she made the first move." "No, we actually met in a library." "That's novel!" "No, no." "No, no, no." "We met at the Special Olympics." "It was a no-brainer!" "I'm only kidding." "I'm only kidding." "I'm not married." "I was previously married." "I married way too young." "A Chinese girl." "That's her name." "Way-Too-Young was so beautiful." "Fab cook, too." "That was her cousin." "She was pretty." "It was a good-looking family." "So-so Hot." "That was the ugly one." "Never figured that out." "Way-Too-Young ended up marrying a Chinese billionaire." "Cha-Ching!" "I don't know where it all went wrong with me and my last girlfriend, or Tubby, as I called her." "For some reason, she had a really low self-esteem." "And saggy tits!" "As I called her." "She wasn't very attractive, but like Grandma used to always say, you don't fuck the face." ""No, would you like another biscuit?"" "That's what she used to always say." "I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm a romantic." "I'm such a romantic." "I actually remember my first gang rape." "I was the victim." "Fuck off." "No, it's kind of cute." "I actually remember the first date I ever went on." "My father came along and acted as a chaperone, which was awkward 'cause my date couldn't swim, but the point..." "Oh, this has been absolutely amazing." "A lot of people accuse me of taking the audience for granted and I'd like to address that before we get to the standing ovation." "Usually I have a Q and A, but tonight we're pressed for time." "I'm just going to do the "A" part of that." "It was a two-part question and the answer is nine inches and my mom." "No, let me clarify that." "I think this needs clarification." "No, the question was how long was I when I was born and who turns me on?" "You can tell the character of a person by what that person does in their spare time." "Once a week, I like to go over to the local orphanage and yell," ""Who's your daddy?" ""Mum's the word!" ""Bob's your uncle!" ""Why are you crying?" ""It's 'cause you're an orphan." "Got you."" "Mental note..." "In my spare time, I like to take a whistle to train stations." "That's fun." "Old people run funny. (LAUGHING)" "I like to visit nursing homes." "I've been visiting nursing homes for sex." "I do a lot of volunteer work." "I do a lot of work with the blind, which I find terribly gratifying." "Just last week a beautiful blind woman said to me," ""I can't believe I'm sucking Sean Connery's cock."" "(IN SEAN CONNERY VOICE) Which I thought was outstanding." "This is the best Thursday ever." "I'm serious." "I now live in this beautiful part of the world." "Two days before I left Canada... (AUDIENCE MEMBER LAUGHING)" "Two days before I left Canada, I got a couple of tattoos." "I got the maple leaf over my heart, 'cause I'm patriotic." "And for the ladies, I got the CN Tower." "Don't ask me how to get the restaurant to revolve." "Seriously, don't ask me." "Prior to moving here, I lived in Spain, in a traditional village." "It still has cock fights, which explains my limp." "We had gypsies living in the village." "We didn't have any problem with the gypsies." "It was the tramps and thieves." "Too soon?" "Two types of people I hate are racists and Norwegians." "Especially the black ones." "I don't like them at all." "No, I'm not prejudiced." "In fact, I married a minority." "I married an intelligent woman." "Just a joke." "Hopefully clearly just a joke." "I remember the first time I did that, my wife is at the back of the club." "I could tell she's pissed off." "She's like, "Rootin!"" ""Tootin!"" "# "Ah-rootin tootin tootin toot" "# "Ah-rootin tootin tootin toot" "# "Ah-rootin..." #" "Oh, some of you think I'm being lazy." "I'm just regurgitating one of my old jokes." "I'm not being very "creative"." "Oh, fuck." "My wife said to me, "You're not very compassionate" ""towards the fact I'm a diabetic." I said, "Sugar..."" ""Honey!" ""Sweetie." ""Insulin!" ""Why are you crying?" "(GASPING) "Are you an orphan?"" "Love being married, I love it." "I love marriage so much I'll probably do it again." "That's how committed to marriage I am." "I truly am married and that's why I faithfully wear this ring." "Oh, fuck." "It must have fallen off in the hooker's ass." "What am I like?" "Anybody who is married knows what I'm talking about when I say this." "That you really find out about someone after you marry them." "Like, for example, my wife doesn't have a peanut allergy." "No, it turns out she has a...penis." "(CHUCKLING)" "That's it, she has a penis." "I tried that psychological test on my wife." "I said, "Honey, is the glass half-full or half-empty?"" "She said, "I don't give a fuck"." "But if it's on the coffee table, there'd better be a fucking coaster underneath." "I said, "Wait a minute, where's your Scottish accent?"" ""Hey, oh..." ""Ah-rootin..." ""Root..."" "My wife says I do too many stereotypical jokes." "(SCOFFING) Women!" "Can't live with them..." "Anyway." "Like most Canadians I like to go clubbing, but if there's no seals around I..." "I like to go dancing." "I hope things are going okay for you." "Money-wise, I'm set for life, provided I die next Tuesday." "Before dinner." "That's why I buy lottery tickets, even though it's a form of gambling." "And to me gambling is like a midget at a barbecue." "Often times, the stakes are too high." ""Oh, that one looks hot." "Oh, that looks nice and juicy." ""Uh-oh!" "My big head!" "My big head!" "My big head!"" "I'm trying to become at least the most famous person in my neighbourhood." "There's a guy in my neighbourhood, he's in the Guinness Book of Records." "He's had 4 3 concussions." "He lives very close, in fact, just a stone's throw away, but the point..." "You guys have been absolutely amazing." "Thank you very much for making this dream come true, guys." "Have a wonderful evening." "Oh, that was incredible." "That was absolutely..." "It sounds like I've got an encore." "Excuse me." "(SIGHING)" "Wow." "Oh, you stopped." "It's hard remembering all those jokes." "I hope you appreciate it tonight." "You guys really cheered me up, all the laughter that is coming up here." "You might not hear it in your section." "That's just the way they built the theatre." "Trust me when I say the acoustics in this theatre... (TALKING AS IF MIC IS CUTTING OUT)" "(INAUDIBLE)" "London... (INAUDIBLE)" "You guys really cheered me up." "I've been a little depressed of late." "Just last week I noticed that I have a grey pubic hair." "But I was okay with it." "I didn't freak out, like the other people in the lift." "There's a lot of weirdos out there, is what I'm trying to say." "I went and saw a chiropodist today." "Either I have ugly feet or he has Tourette's syndrome." "I was addicted to rolling around in pig shit." "I've been clean for two years now." "No, I seldom do drugs." "I've only done ketamine." "My doctor thinks I'm taking hallucinogenic drugs." "How do I know?" "Let's just say a little bird told me." "(CHIRPING)" ""Yes, little bird, I'm Stewart Francis."" "(CHIRPING)" ""Oh, Doctor Jones thinks I'm taking hallucinogenic drugs, does he?"" "(CHIRPING)" "Capricorn." "In my neighbourhood they're building an IKEA." "Every time I drive by I feel sorry for the builders." ""What the fuck am I supposed..."" "IKEA's a Swedish word meaning "fuck!"" "My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance." "We'll see about that." "Another therapist says I have an overactive imagination, or something to that effect." "I was distracted by the tap-dancing chipmunks on his water cooler." ""Yes, Doctor." (GIGGLING)" ""I understand, Doctor." (GIGGLING)" "(IN CHIPMUNK VOICE) # Tea for two and two for tea" "# Me for you, ha-ha!" "And you for me #" ""OMG, that is so cute." ""Do another song, would you?"" "(CHIPMUNK VOICE) "Okay!"" "# Me and my shadow" "# Strolling down the avenue #" "(SCATTING)" "I am, shut up." "(SCATTING)" "I was called immature today by my smelly wife." "So I spit on her. (LAUGHING)" "Now, I'm # (CHIPMUNK VOICE) Lonely" "# I'm mister lonely" "# I have nobody # for my own #" "(SINGING HIGH PITCH)" "That's a tough note." "You couldn't give a fuck." "Most of you are looking at me thinking, "Is this shit funny in Canada?"" "No." "No, it's not." "That's why I'm here." "Receiving oral sex from an ugly person is like rock climbing." "You should never look down." "(INAUDIBLE)" "What the fuck?" "Sir?" "You guys are amazing." "Thank you so much for a wonderful evening." "Goodnight!" "Put the kettle on, honey!" "It's one of the highlights of my career." "20 years, I've been doing this." "Boy, I hope you enjoyed it." "I sure as heck did." "Sounds like they enjoyed it." "I've got another encore." "Excuse me." "Oh, boy, I misread that." "Oh, well." "Absolutely fantastic, to the point where I think I weed a bit." "Dry, sharp and very intelligent." "My face is still hurting from laughing, it was so good." "I thought tonight was really an amazing night." "I actually can't speak very well because I was laughing so hard." "About halfway through I think I was worn out laughing." "It was brilliant." "He's the proper man of one-liners, which was really good." "Not you." "Clearly not you." "No, he's a pun master." "Yeah." "Awesome." "Amazing." "Funny." "Non-stop laughing." "Yeah." "(BOTH LAUGHING) Yeah, constantly." "The guy's a genius."