"Check it out guys." "New driver's license." "What's wrong with your picture?" "Well, see, I got drunk and then got my picture taken." "So that way, when I get pulled over for drunk driving I'll look the same as on my license." "Y'know, and then the copper, copper'll say "Oh, you're fine, you're not drunk." "This is you normal, I can tell by the picture."" "I wish I thought of that." "I just got my new license a month ago." "What's with the big grin?" "Oh, I'd just gotten a new tube of Aquafresh and I was feeling cocky." "Hey, let's see yours, Quagmire." "Hey, wait a second." "You were born in 1948?" "Uuh....yeah." "You're 61 years old?" "Ah, yes sir." "What's your secret?" "Uh...carrots." "Sometimes I grind 'em up into juice, or just eat 'em raw." "Or insert them anally." "Long as I get 'em into my body somehow." "Jigga-jigga." "And now back to the FOX News Report with Rhonda Latimer." "Oh, God." "That new FOX news reporter is so freakin' hot." "Good evening." "I'm Rhonda Latimer for FOX News." "Here are tonight's top stories." "Oh, she's just so smokin' hot." "God, I would do things to her that.... ...she would probably laugh at." "You bitch!" "Turn to the FOX News." "It's time for Rhonda Latimer." "And we also want to remind you that FOX News switches to high definition starting Monday." "Ah, crap!" "Does this mean gotta get a new TV?" " Looks that way." " Great, I need another expense like I need a hole in the head." "And I don't need that." "I'm tellin' you this thing has turned out to be nothing but a burden." "Oh, my God!" "Peter, when did you get that?" "Oh, a few of the fellows at work talked me into it." "Said it was something I might need." "Wha...?" "It's horrible." "The worst thing is, I found out I got it on the gay side." " Hey, are you coming out tonight?" "I'm not gay." "They put the hole in the wrong side." "All right family." "The wait is over." "I give you......" "High Def television." "Oooh!" "Can I have the box?" "Look at me." "I'm an Iraq war vet in 10 years." "Naah!" "We're gonna take good care of them." "Wow!" "Look at that HD picture." "Yeah, it's so clear you can even see Ellen DeGeneris' breath." "Well, my guest today is, uh, Seth Rogan." "Who's got a new movie out." "Now, now Seth." "This movie is hot." "It's just hot......hot......hot." "How's it feel to have the hottest film in Hollywood?" "What the #%*$ ?" "And now the real reason to have an HD TV." "And now the FOX News 6 o'clock report with Rhonda Latimer." "In High Definition." "Good evening everyone and I hope you're as thrilled about the new format change as I am." "A-a-a-a-a-a-a!" "A-a-a-a-a-a-a!" "A-a-a-a-a-a-a!" "A-a-a-a-a-a-a!" "A-a-a-a-a-a-a!" "A-a-a-a-a-a-a!" "A-a-a-a-a-a-a!" "A-a-a-a-a-a-a!" "Oh no." "Oh no." "Oh." "A-a-a-a-a-a!" "I'll get all of the A's out of my body." "A-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a!" "We interrupt this report to inform you Rhonda Latimer has been relocated to Guantanamo Bay." "Coming up, the new format that makes HD obsolete." "Son of a bitch!" "Mom, do you ever feel...." "not so fresh down there?" "No." "There must be something wrong with you." " Really?" " Yeah." "I've never had that problem and I don't know any woman who has." "Hey, look at this." "FOX News is looking for a replacement for Rhonda Latimer." "Hey, mom, you should try out." "I mean, you majored in journalism and you've never done anything with it." "Well, I did write for my college newspaper." "Yeah, didn't you do an interview with that fast talking FedEx guy?" "Yeah, I ended up dating him for 3 months." "Thats a beautiful shade of lipstick." "I bet you enjoy the music of Men at Work." "You're incredibly foxy." "Take off your shirt." "Take off your pants." "Wow, what a body, that feels good, I'll give you a call." "You'd better get tested." "Yeah, mom, you should be a reporter." "Well, I mean I guess there's no harm in trying out." "Hey, Lois." "A little less yackity-yak, little more cutting' up my banana." "What am I supposed to do?" "Stick the whole thing in my mouth?" "I mean ...." "Oh...... hello." "Lois, you can't possibly be considering working for FOX News." "Well, why not?" "Why not?" "Because they're evil and they distort the truth." "And they do the bidding of the Republican party." "I mean ... what other reasons do you need?" "Don't listen to Brian, Lois." "You'd be great on camera." "Like I was, when I played that dead body on Law and Order." "Well, until I got that itch in my crotch." "The contusion on his left temple implies he was hit by a blunt object." "And the cuts imply a struggle." " So it was murder?" " But the question is who?" "Well, whoever it was wears nail polish." " We found traces in the wounds." " Well, that narrows it down." "At least we know it wasn't the father." "Yeah, but we still gotta find out ..." "Aaaaaaah ......... thank God." "Alright, FOX News auditions." "Take 1." "And even though this Iraqi veteran lost his hands he didn't lose his ability to feel." "I'm Lois Griffen for FOX News." " Great story, Lois." " Thanks." "I just made it up." "Y'know, I've been doing this job a long time, and I think you've got what it takes." "Ha-haa." "You're kidding." "Really?" "Yes." "How would you like to be our newest on-air reporter?" "W-w-well ... y'know I came down here not even thinking I had a shot and now you're telling me this?" "Gosh, it's an awfully big decision." "Lois, please." "Take the job for FOX sake." "Well .... alright." "I'll do it!" "Great." "Here's your contract." "Now run home Lois." "Run as fast as you can." "A-a-a-a-a-h." "A-a-a-a-a-h." "A-a-a-a-a-h." "A-a-a-a-a-h." "A-a-a-a-a-a-h." "Good morning everyone." "Well, do I look TV ready?" "Lois, I can't believe you're doing this." "If you work for FOX News you're going to be selling your soul." "Oh, Brian, come on!" "They're a major news network." "I would think you would be excited for me." "Are you kidding?" "They're a lie factory." "They report whatever they damn well please." "Y'know Brian, you're welcome to come with me to see for yourself that it's all on the level." "Y'now, I just might take you up on that, Lois." "And I know another way we can take advantage of this." "Chris ..." "Meg." "Meet me in the living room in 10 minutes and bring a pencil and paper." " Dad?" "What are we doing?" " Meg, now that Lois has connections at FOX, we are gonna invent our own cartoon show." "And we are here to brainstorm ideas." "Alright, GO!" "Anything that pops into your head." "Ooh ... how about a show about a bunch of disabled ducks and we'll call it "Handi-Quacks."" "Wow, caught fire a little earlier than I thought we would, Perfect!" "Alright, let's spend many hours on this." "Alright, the main duck ... what's his name?" "I don't know, uh ..." "Red Hynie Monkey?" "Ha-ha-ha, I love it." "I love it." "Alright, now what's his wacky neighbour duck's name?" "Giddy Goose?" "Meg, please try to formulate ideas clearly before you vocalize them." "I'm not sure you're gettin' the show, Meg." "Alright." "Names." "Names." "Names." "C'mon now." "Poopy Faced Tomato Nose." "Yes!" "Write it down." "Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry!" "Maybe they live in a pond?" "Chris, can I talk to you in the kitchen for a sec?" " I don't think she's gettin' it ..." " I know she's not gettin' it, but ..." " There's no 'but', she's not gettin' it." " What the hell d'ya wanna do?" " She's poison." " Absolutely, she's dead weight." " She doesn't understand." " .....it's just not funny" " She's completely ruining it." " Yeah, but I think it's important to have a female perspective in the room." "Alright, then I think we're going to have to expect nothing, right, and then" " maybe be pleasantly surprised." " OK." "Welcome to FOX News, Lois." "We're very excited to have you." "Well, I'm excited to be here." "Oh, this is my dog, Brian." "He was just dying to see the studio." " Well, hi there, Brian." " How's it going, Adolf?" "I'll have you know my grandparents died in the holocaust." "Ha-ha-ha, No, I'm just joking." "They were there though." "This whole place just feels like a warm blanket." "I'll show you to our day care facilities shortly, but first let's have a look around." "This is our control room, where we have the ability to monitor up to 500 different news stories in any given hour." " What's that big button do?" " Oh, that's kinda fun." "It emits a noise that only Al Gore can hear." " There it is again." " It's probably just wind, honey." "It's not the wind!" "And this is the kitchen." "We've got all kinds of snacks and cold drinks in here." "Well, I don't see the refrigerator." "Oh, we just use Anne Coulter." "Hmmmmm......" "There's never anything good in here." "Alright, here we go." "Handy Quacks." "Episode 1, scene 1." "Let's get 'em laughing right off the bat." ""Interior, Red Hynie Monkey's house."" "What's Red Hynie Monkey doing?" "Um, maybe he just got up?" "He's making breakfast?" "Ah, I don't think people eat breakfast anymore." "More suggestions." "Ooh!" "What if Red Hynie Monkey and Poopy Faced Tomato Nose are trying to build a house of cards and it keeps falling down?" " Oh, ho-ho." "Jiminy Christmas, we have all been there." "That's goin' in." "Oh, we are cooking." "Cooking, cooking, cooking." "Now." "Alright." "Let's take a walk down this road and see where it leads us." "Dialogue." "What are they saying?" "Umm ... maybe Poopy Faced Tomato Nose says, uh .." ""Boy, this house of cards just doesn't wanna stay up."" "Well, I mean, yeah, if you wanna go right at it like a neanderthal sure, but I think we're shooting for a little more subtilty here, y'know." "Y'know, I don't believe that." "I don't believe that that's a real conversation when I hear it." "People don't talk like that, Meg." "Oooh ...oooh!" "What if they just bought a new wood stove and Red Hynie Monkey says, "Boy, it's so hot in here because we just bought that new wood stove" "(Both) and we're sweating, and our hands are all slippery and that's why we can't get the card house to stay up."" "Thank you, Chris." "We have lift off!" "Ha ha ha!" "I'm sorry." "I'm so sorry but none of this stuff seems to make sense." "I mean, we haven't even referenced the fact that they're ducks or that they're handicapped." "But the show is called "Handi-Quacks."" "Uh-huh." "Chris, can I see you in the kitchen?" " This is not working out." "This is not workin' .." " Dad, Dad, she's trying ...." " She gets along with everybody." " She does not get along with everybody." " She's kinda hot." " She's 'Office' hot." " You're right." "You're right." " She's the only woman around." "Yeah, in the real world she doesn't know about it." "And in addition to everything else, she's GOT B.O.!" "She's got B.O." "Alright, Lois, for your first assignment we want you to do an investigative expose on one of America's greatest enemies." "Oh, that sounds important." "Who is it?" "Michael Moore." "Oh, here we go." "This is exactly what I was talking about, Lois." "FOX News will take down anyone who doesn't agree with them." "Wha...?" "Now wait a minute, Brian." "Give him a chance." "What exactly do you want me to do?" "We have reason to suspect that Michael Moore may be a closet homosexual." "We need you to get the proof." "Well, if you think that Michael Moore's possible homosexuality is news worthy, I'll do my best to get the story." "Alright, I have come up with a design for Red Hynie Monkey the head of the Handi-Quacks." "I want only positive feedback, please." "Why does he have such a big red bum?" "Because it's funny, Meg." "People will tune in to Handi-Quacks each week and see that big red bum and get a big laugh out of it." "Why?" "Because it's relatable." " They'll see themselves in it." " I think the design is great, Dad." "Good note." "Good note." "OK, now I also had a thought for a female character who's always nagging at Red Hynie Monkey, and telling him not to leave his beer cans lying around and what-not." "And her name is Bitch Duck." " That kinda looks like mom." " Not finished talking, Meg." "OK, and this is Poopy Faced Tomato Nose." "You can see I gave him a funny little suitcase." "Now, see the joke is, most people only carry a suitcase when they're going on vacation." "But Poopy Faced Tomato Nose carries one all the time." "And see, he's got a sleeve hangin' out." "He didn't pack it right." "Oh, well, you know what could be funny?" "Maybe one week he actually goes on vacation." "And ... he's already got the suitcase." "Chris, can I see you in the kitchen for a sec?" "Your writing partner is out of her mind." " OK first of all stop calling her my parsha." " She's terrible." " I know that." "But you know what?" "It's not fair to her." " Well, that's sort of a cop out." " Having her here is not fair to her." "Dad, if you want to fire her, you go ahead and fire her." "But don't pretend that you're doing it for her benefit." " Don't put that on me, she firing herself." " She's can't fire herself." " No, you decide ..." " She's firing herself." " She's can't fire herself." " You decided ..." " And her lack of talent and her lack of funniness..." "I just, y'know I just feel that you and I have captured lightning in a bottle with the Handi-Quacks." " We have." "Yes!" " And she's just coming in, unscrewin' the top and lettin' it all out." "Meg, you're services will no longer be needed." "Ah, still nothing." "I don't understand." "The lights are on." "Somebody must be home." "Aah!" "Get down." "Rush Limbaugh?" "What's he doing coming out of Michael Moore's house at this hour?" "Unless ...." "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God, it's true!" "Michael Moore is gay with Rush Limbaugh!" "And I just laid in dog poop." "That's not dog poop." "Sorry, we've been out here a long time." "And look, there's Rush Limbaugh coming out of Michael Moore's house at 2 in the morning." "I wouldn't believe it if I hadn't seen it myself." "Well, your dog was right, Lois." "Looks like there's no story here." " Michael Moore is clearly not gay." " Wha...?" "No story?" "What are you talking about?" "You're the one who sent me to investigate, and now I'm showing you proof and you're dismissing it?" "I don't understand." "Lois, I'll be honest." "Rush Limbaugh is one of us." "We have no wish to smear a fellow conservative." "That would be as foolish as F.D.R hiring that midget press secretary." "The President has just confirmed a devastating surprise attack by the Japanese at Pearl Harbor." "Much of our naval fleet has been destroyed and the death toll is believed to be in the thousands." "He's adorable!" "OK, actors." "Welcome to the first voice record for Handi-Quacks." "Alright." "Episode 1. "What the Duck?" Take 1." "Oh, darn it, Poopy Faced Tomato Nose." "I know, Red Hynie Monkey." "This card house won't stay up." "Probably because the wood stove is so warm." "It's making our hands sweaty and slippery." "It's all comin' together." "It's all comin' together." "This is it." "Our vision." "Come to life." "I know." "Just listen to that voice." "And then picture him holding that suitcase with the sleeve sticking out." "Ha-ha." " Hi, everybody." " Hello, Colonel Tush Finger." "I just built a space ship." "Wanna come up in space with me in it?" "Whoa." "Whoah, Whoah, Whoah." "Cut." "Cut." "Cut, Cut." "Cleveland." "What are you doing?" "I just figured I'd give Colonel Tush Finger an Australian thing." "Colonel Tush Finger lives on the moon, you idiot!" "He talks with a moon accent." "Y'know?" "He. talks. like. this." "with. a. moon. accent." "You understand?" "I. am." "Colonel." "Tush." "Finger. and." "I. live. on. the. moon so." "I. talk. like. this." "with. a. moon. accent." "Do that!" " You know, Bonnie also acts." " Oh, here we go." "So they want me to drop the story completely because they don't want to embarrass Rush Limbaugh." "Now do you see what I was saying about FOX News?" "They have an incredibly biased agenda." " You should do the story anyway." " You think so?" "Absolutely." "They're hypocrites." "They wanted you to do the story when they thought it would embarrass Michael Moore, but they don't want you to do it if it's going to embarrass Rush Limbaugh." "But you didn't want me to do the story when it was gonna embarrass Michael Moore." "But you want me to do the story if it's gonna embarrass Rush Limbaugh?" "Can you picture the 2 of those guys poking' each other in the chops?" "Eeuugh!" "It'd be like sticking your arm in a backed up sink." "OK." "You're right." "I'm a little biased myself but at least I'm willing to admit it." "Imagine that?" "The 2 of them going at it?" "An oversized Armani suit and an oversized cheap wind breaker tossed casually on the floor." "Look, they started this, Lois." "But it's up to you to finish it." "I guess you're right, Brian." "Next day at work, Limbaugh finds a Detroit Tigers ball cap up in there." " Stewie, shut up!" " Why?" "It's just a weird image." "Like the way Commissioner Gordon tells Batman that he just took a poop." "Eeuugh!" "I don't need to know about that." "Thanks for hearing our pitch, Mr Chernin." "You realise that the only reason I'm taking this meeting is that your wife is a reporter for our news division?" "You have absolutely no prior credits." "Sir, I promise you won't regret it." "Handi-Quacks is going to be the next Simpsons." "We fire the jokes at you like an automatic weapon of comedy." "We throw a curve ball joke at you, hit you right in the head" "You go "Wow, what happened?"" "Hmmmmmmm." "We take you on a little trolley ride down story lane." "You're havin' a good time, enjoying out little tale, think you know what's coming." "BOOM!" "Left turn!" "You don't know how it happened." "You don't know where you are, but you like it." "Uh-huh?" "You're watchin' the show." "The ducks are sayin' stuff." "You're yukking it up, you're laughing, your sides are hurting." "All of a sudden you realise, you're feeling something too." "When did that happen?" "When did the Handi-Quacks become people I care about?" "When did they become like welcome guests in your home whose weekly visits the whole family eagerly awaits?" "Take a look at what we got, Peter." "# One day 3 ducks were crossing the road #" "# Going to get some soda #" "# But they weren't looking where they were going #" "# And a bus came along and hit them all #" "# Now they're handicap-ded" "Yeah ..." "Uh ..." "N-no, that's pretty much it.." "# Handi-Quacks #" "# And they never got their soda #" "Why won't this card house stay up?" "Our palms are slippery and sweaty because of the heat from that new wood stove we just bought." "(Giggles) That's gonna be his catch phrase." "How did you afford that wood stove?" "Easy." "I just walked into the wood stove store and said" ""Put it on my bill."" " Ha ha ha ha ha ha." " Ah ha ha." "You with me?" " I sure am." " You're with me now?" " I love it." " You know you love it." "I just have one small change." " Oh?" " Could Poopy Faced Tomato Nose's nose be a plum?" "How dare you?" "It's a small change." "And if you do it, we'll really get behind this show." "A plum?" "What is this .... 1986?" "Well, if you're gonna be a TV producer, you've gotta be open to collaboration." "So everybody just gets to stick their big chef's spoon into my comedy gumbo, eh?" "Well, no deal!" "You know something?" "I like your passion." "OK, we'll do the show, and we'll do it your way." "No." "Well, that was a miscalculation." "Alright, there it is." "Stay close to me." "Aah, this is it." "Let's go." "Mr Moore." "Mr Limbaugh." "Do you have anything to say to FOX News about this ..." "What the hell?" "Who are you?" "What's that suit on the bed?" "And what have you done with your gay lover, Rush Limbaugh?" "Aaaah." "I am Rush Limbaugh." "That's a costume." "Wait a minute!" "You mean all these years Rush Limbaugh has just been Michael Moore in disguise?" "Well, it's a little more complex than that." "What are you talkin' about?" " Fred Savage?" "!" " Wait a minute." "You're Rush Limbaugh AND Michael Moore?" "Yes I am." "They're both characters I created." "But ...... why?" "Well, after the Wonder Years I was hungry to do more acting but the pickings were slim so I came up with this scheme to satisfy my need to perform and I guess it got a little out of hand." "This is unbelievable." "Well that's not the end of it." "I'm also Tony Danza, Camryn Manheim, Malcolm-Jamar Warner," "Kevin Nealon, John Forsythe, and Metallica drummer Lars Ulrich." "Wow!" "Fred Savage is the greatest actor in the history of the world." "That's all I ever wanted people to know." "Well if you let us run this story, I promise you they will." "You got a deal." "Well, it finally happened." "I had finally gotten the recognition I deserved." "I don't need you anymore!" "This Sunday on FOX, it's the new hit comedy starring America's greatest actor, Fred Savage." "Well, Lois, you did a good thing for a talented guy." "Yeah, but that should've been our timeslot." "Well I'm just glad that everything's back to normal." "I don't think I was cut out to be a TV reporter." "Yeah, how did you lose your job there anyway?" "Oh, I don't know." "Do you really care, Peter?" "Does anyone really care?" "Yeah, you're right." "The story's over." "Everything will be back to normal next week." "So yeah, who gives a damn." "Anybody got any more jokes?" "Stewie?" "Anything funny?" "No?" "Brian?" "Meg?" "Chris?" "No?" "Alright." "See ya folks." "George Samir Gerges"