"Hey, you wanna be my second choice for the movies?" "We can go to a family film and look for gay subtext." "Nah." "I'm just gonna hang around here..." "get out the old tool box and do some fix-it work around the house." "Oh, if you're going to give yourself a pedicure, you have to get more cotton balls, 'cause I took 'em all." "Damn it!" "How many times have I told you to stay out of my tool box?" "Come on, Will." "I don't wanna go to the movies alone, like an overweight woman." "Well, ask Grace to go." "Grace?" "It'd be kinda weird." "I mean, we hardly even know each other." "Why, you have things in common." "Like your love of the new format of Star magazine and-and not knowing who's running for president." "I don't really like voting." "What's the point of stepping into a booth if you can't get fondled?" "Hi, gays!" "Listen, Will, I need you to drive me around for the rest of the day." "Driver's getting his ears pinned." "I couldn't stand lookin' at those Dumbo flaps for one more second." "Karen, I'm not your chauffeur." "In fact, I think we discussed this when I came back from Bali with a tan, and you told me to bring the car around." "Kare, why don't you just drive yourself?" "Uh..." "Sweetheart, heh, I don't know what century you're living in, but women aren't allowed to drive." "Karen, you don't know how to drive, do you?" "Nah, never had to." "Plus somebody's gotta be the designated drinker." "But, hey, since you work for the DMV, maybe you could teach me." "No, no, no, no." "Get Finster to do it." "No, he's British." "He'll teach me to drive on the wrong side of the road." "Isn't that where you're gonna end up anyway?" "Well, get Jack to do it." "Jack?" "That dope?" "That dope couldn't teach a monkey how to scratch his own ass." "It's true." "Good, good." "You're doin' very well." "Oh, honey, I love driving." "It's exhilarating." "Let's take her up!" "Come on." " Karen, this isn't a flying car." "It is when you've smoked as much as I have." "Just concentrate on the road." "You're doing just fine." "But give it a little more gas." " Okay, now heads up." "Next block there's a woman with a baby carriage." " I'm on it!" "No, no!" "Don't speed up!" "Oh, damn, it's a cop." " I'm on it!" " No, no, no!" "You've gotta stop!" "He's pulling us over." "Okay, listen, there's something you should know." "I was just a kid, 14 or so, and I fell in with the wrong crowd." " One kid's father had a gun." "And I didn't want the others to think I was chicken, so we see this businessman really full of himself." " Here he comes." "Reel it in." "Point is, I never did nothin'." "And you don't know nothin' about nothin'." "You got me?" " You know how fast you were going?" " How could I?" "I'm inside it." " Officer, is there a problem?" " License and registration, please." "Oh, sure." "No problem." "Meet license and registration." "We're sorry, officer." "We won't do it again." "You should've seen what she showed customs when they asked for her passport." "Oh, hey, buddy, I'm sorry, but this seat's taken." "By my feet." "How happy are you that I snuck in Chinese?" "Happier than a gay teen with new ice skates." "Hello, that's a little gross to be eating smelly food in a movie theater." "Will an egg roll shut you up?" "It will." "Okay, um, I promised Stuart, I'd see this movie with him." "So don't tell him we saw it." "When he found out I saw Calendar Girls first, he went ber-serk." "He didn't talk to me for the whole shower." "Hey, isn't that him?" "Um-mm, nope." "Couldn't be." "Stuart's working." "You just think it's him because when you're in love with someone, you imagine you see them everywhere." " But I'm not in love with Stuart." " Yet you see him everywhere!" "You know, it stinks like Chinese food in here." "That sounds just like Stuart's laugh." "It's so annoying when he does it in bed." " Why does he laugh in bed?" " Mind your own beeswax." "I'm gonna check it out." " Oh, my God, that is Stuart!" " Who's the guy with him?" " Guy?" "!" "Oh, my God, there is a guy." "How dare he!" "Okay, okay, calm down." "So he lied about having to work." "So he's seeing the movie he promised to see with you." "So he's here with a hot, young guy..." "Do we have a point?" "You know, you'd think I would." "I'm gonna go confront him." "I'd slap him silly if it didn't make him laugh in bed." "No, no, just" " Come on." "Sit down." "You're too upset." "We always regret the things we do in the heat of anger." "Besides, I need someone to hold my mu shu pancake." "Listen, officer, I realize she was going a little over the speed limit-- And that's a ticket you're writing." "Well, it isn't a poem about springtime in Cincinnati." "Why Cincinnati?" "First town I thought of." "Actually, the second." "But nobody would write a poem about Newark." "Nothing rhymes with it." " What rhymes with Cincinnati?" " Just take the ticket." " Have a nice day." " You too." " Jerk." " What was that?" " I said bye!" "Bye." "See ya." "Oh, my gosh." "That is the single scariest thing that has ever happened to me." "And I've seen Rosario at the beach." "God, I can't believe this." "Like cops don't have anything better to do." "How 'bout stopping crimes?" "You know, how 'bout getting unlicensed guns off the street?" "Or off your lap?" "!" "Has that been there the whole time?" "Oh, come on." "Don't get all down on yourself 'cause you're gay." "Let's just pay it." "Yeah, I guess you're" " Whoa-ho!" "Hang on." "I think I spy a loophole." "Oh, honey, is my passport showing?" "No." "It looks like he forgot to sign the ticket, which means it's invalid." "We are so gonna fight this in traffic court." "Whoa!" "Watch out for that nun." " I'm on it!" " No!" "Don't speed up!" "Did you see that?" "That guy just whispered something to Stuart." "I didn't trim hair out of that ear so some young hottie could whisper sweet nothings in it without getting hair in his mouth." "I can't take it!" "I'm gonna go talk to him." "Wait." "Before you do anything, count to ten." " Why?" " 'Cause Will said you couldn't." "Excuse me, Theater 14, I know you think you've come to watch a movie." "But you are about to witness a scene." " Jack, what are you doing here?" " What am I doing here?" "What are you doing here?" " Shh!" " Grace!" "Do not shush me during my inappropriate outburst!" "Ladies and gentlemen, I find myself in a situation similar to the one Drew Barrymore is going through on the screen." "Although, unlike her, I am not overacting." " Look, Jack" " I don't want to hear it!" "You're a liar and a cheat." "And if we had the same right to marry in this country, you'd be an adulterer too." "I hate you, and I never want to see you again!" "Good-bye." "And thank you for coming to Loew's." "Sit back and relax." "Enjoy the show." "Hey." "We're up next, okay?" "So, so let me do the talking." "Don't do anything disruptive." "Give me the booze." " Oh." " And the pills." " Aw!" "And the pills." "And the pills." "And the whoopee cushion." "Will, if you take my whoopee cushion, how am I supposed to do my Inherit the Wind gag?" "For the last time, no Inherit the Wind gag, and no telling the judge to keep it in his robe." "Boy, I cannot wait to humiliate that smug cop in that courtroom." "Just rub his nose in his mistake and laugh as he walks out of there with his tail between his legs." "Hi, Angry." "Mad much?" "Listen, I'm gonna hit the vending machines." "I've been jonesin' for a Score bar all day." " Well, hello there." " You smiling' at me?" "I'm not smiling." "I'm smirking." "You're probably wondering what I'm smirking at." "Not really." "I'm smirking because, boy, have you got a surprise comin'." " Probably wondering what that surprise is." " Not really." "I'll give you a clue." "You're a conductor." "You're shakin' a snow globe." "All right, no wait." "You're a" " You've had a hand transplant." "Your body rejected the hand." "And now your hand is trying to get away by hailing a cab." " Wrong!" "You stink at charades." " No, you stink at charades!" "Hey, buddy, didn't sign the ticket." "Crap!" "I always do that." "I also forget to sign my checks." "My therapist says it's because I'm not showin' up for myself." "Oh, man, they're gonna stick me behind a desk now." "Well, NYPD boo-hoo." "Maybe can pull or a paper clip." "And-and give him a ticket for, uh, for... clipping together" " I don't know how to finish that." "The point is... you're screwed." "Oh, yeah?" "Well, your fancy suit doesn't hide the fact that you still stink at charades." "My baby don't mess around 'cause he loves me so and this I know for sure." "Hey ya." "Hey ya" "Hello?" "I'm sorry, I'll stop." "Will you hang on a second?" "I've got another call." "Hello?" "Yes, I'll stop." "That's it." "I'm done with men." "I'm into women now." "Come on, let's make hot hetero love together." "Take off your breasts and turn around." "Oh, if only that was the first time a guy said that to me." "You know, at some point, you are going to have to talk to Stuart." " Grace, you don't understand" " No!" "You don't understand!" " What?" " I just needed to get your attention." "Can you get me some milk out of the fridge?" "These cookies are a little-- without it." "I'm sorry, you were saying?" "You don't understand, Grace." "He lied to me." "And honesty's kind of, like, a big deal to me." "It's kinda what I'm known for." "Well, that and this..." "There you are." "Why haven't you returned my calls?" "I left messages for you in a cute voice." "I rewrote the lyrics to Carousel to reflect our situation." "I cried." "I've done everything a man is supposed to do." "Oh." "Stuart." "I hardly recognized you without the 12 rows of theater seats behind you and another man at your side." " Jack, listen to me." " No, you listen to me" " No, You listen to me!" " What?" " Can you put this back?" "I think I'm done now." "You know, you haven't given me a chance to explain." "Oh, really?" "All right." "Well, let's hear it." "What's your explanation for lying to me and telling me you were working, when really you were out at a movie with a hot guy?" "He's my son." "Oh, my God." "That is exactly what happened today on Passions." "Was he raised by pirates?" "Because that would just be a really weird coincidence." "You know what?" "Maybe Will was right." "Maybe you can't count to ten." "How do you have a son?" "Well, like, like many young people, when I was in college, I experimented with heterosexuality." "Mindy and I shared a bathroom for two semesters, and now we share a son... for the rest of our lives." "I'da told you sooner, but I didn't know how you'd react." "I just think it's weird you didn't tell me you had a son." "It makes me doubt us." " Jack, have you told Stuart you have a son?" " No, but that's different." "I forgot I had one." " You have a son?" " Yeah." "His name's Elliot." "When he was 17, he donated some sperm because he wanted to buy a leather coat." "We used to call it his member-only jacket." "But, you know, now that there's an actual life involved, we just call it a jacket." "Good God, do you ever stop eating?" "Well, I guess there's still a lot that we don't know about each other." "Yeah, I guess so." "Like, you should probably know that I tell people I like pistachios, but I don't." " So we're okay, right?" " I guess so." " All right." " Aww, gay love." "I miss it." " I'd love to meet your son sometime." " Oh, I'd love to meet yours." " My what?" "At which point, I noticed the defendant speeding by." "I clocked her doing 42 in a 25 zone." "So I pulled her over and issued a citation." "Thank you, officer." "I-I also found a voodoo doll of Marlo Thomas in the trunk." "It was spooky, Your Honor, but I don't think it broke any laws." "Your Honor, I would like to cross-examine the witness, if I may." "Uh, this is traffic court." "I'm aware of that, seeing as Your Honor is eating a sandwich." "However, if you'll indulge me-- For the record, my name is Will Truman." "I'm the attorney for the defense." "Wait" " You're Will Truman?" " Yes, and I'll ask the questions here." " No, it's just" " I'm Vince." "I'm friends with Joe and Larry." " You're Vince, friends with Joe and Larry?" " Yeah, they've been tryin' to fix us up for years." "Wh--?" "!" "You're kidding!" "You're--you're--you're the Vince that rides a motorcycle and makes his own lotions?" "That's me." "And you must be the Will that makes an olive tapenade that would make you faint." "I don't know about faint, but..." "you may want to be in a room full of pillows just in case." "Uh, Mr. Truman." "This isn't happy hour at the Manhole." "It's a court of law." "Oh, please, eat your sandwich." "I can't believe we're meeting like this." "I know." "This is so weird." "Hey, hey, hey, hey." "Come here." "This isn't happy hour at the Cockpit." "This is a court of law." "Now get your ass out there and litigate, bitch!" "Uh, Your Honor, we don't dispute the officer's version of the events." "However, there is a single piece of evidence" " Just one minute." " It's fine, I've got pudding." "Karen, I have a problem." "This is the first cute, available guy I've met in a long time." "And there's a very good possibility that he's into me." "Can we please drop this ticket?" "A possibility?" "You wanna sell me out for a possibility?" "Listen, mister, if we're gonna throw this case, it's gonna be for a sure thing." "Excuse me." "Hey." "Robe." "Permission to approach the hot cop." "Sure." "Listen, I have got one question for you, and you had better consider your answer very carefully." "My attorney is horny as hell." "I know he's not much to look at, but he's horny as hell." "Now, if we drop this whole thing, would you go out on a date with him?" " Sure." " Remember, you're under oath." "Yeah." "I like his hair." " Well, Your Honor, we're all done here." " Me too." " So, I'll see you Friday night." " Great." "And just so you know, I'm usually a better lawyer than this." "Sure." "And look, I-I don't want you think because I didn't sign your ticket, that I'm some kind of flake." "I really am a very good cop." "Jeez, where's my gun?" "I must have left it in the the john." "I'm in so much trouble." "Truman shoots." "Truman scores." "Hee hee." "I haven't felt this good about myself in a long time." "Uh-oh, did someone just Inherit The Wind?" "Odor in the court!" "Odor in the court!" "My baby don't mess around because he loves me so and this I know for sure." "Hey ya" "Hey, wait a minute." "Will didn't teach me how to brake." "Car, stop." "Car, stop!" "Oh, well." "Something'll stop me."