"[ Crow caws ]" "[ Humming "Deck The Halls" ]" "Frankie:" "Christmas spirit-- this year, it hit the most unlikely of scrooges." "Mwah!" "Yeah, you don't have to be this excited my parents aren't coming for Christmas." "Yes, I do." "No parents means no air mattress, no sharing the TV, no waking up to Tag reaching for a high shelf in his sleep shirt." "Matter of fact, this year, don't get me any presents." "You already got me everything I wanted." "Oh, Mike, I bought those special for Axl." "She wouldn't let me have one either." "I got a half a pop-tart and an olive." "Shh." "I'm just excited that your brother's coming home for his first Christmas from college." "Don't worry." "Someday, I'll be happy you're here, too." "Ooh, where did you get the new book light?" "From school-- this is the prize you get for selling 20 rolls of wrapping paper." "You sold 20 rolls of wrapping paper?" "That I did not do, but I'm not worried 'cause they said" "I don't need to give them any money till January." "Wait a minute." "The snowman wrapping paper in my closet that I convinced myself I bought in February 'cause I wish I was more organized than I actually am?" " That would be it." " [ Sighs ]" "Brick, I wrapped all our presents in that." "Oh, that'll be $97, and if you wouldn't mind saying your sales rep was courteous and professional." "Yeah, there's no way I'm paying $97 for wrapping paper." "You're just gonna have to unwrap it and get it all back on the roll." "But won't I see my presents?" "Yeah, they're not that great." "[ Door opens ]" "Axl:" "Ho ho ho!" "The Ax-Man is ho-ho-home!" "Whoo!" "Axl's home!" "Axl's home, everybody!" " Oh!" " Ah." "[ Laughs ] There's my college boy!" "How was the drive?" "Are you hungry?" "Starving." "Lates." "Oh." "Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait." "I was so excited to hear about college and how your exams went-- well, exam." "Yeah, uh, Darrin got the new Xbox, so me and Sean are heading over to his place." "Oh, okay." "Well, uh, will you be home for dinner?" " Nope." " Oh." "Well, then I guess we'll see you tomorrow." "[ Muffled ] Only if you're looking at my picture in the hallway." "Oh, come on, Axl." "We have to see you tomorrow." "We were all gonna get the tree and decorate it as a family." "Yeah, that's a definite no." "Uh, that's a definite yes." " What?" " This is a family holiday." "If you think you're gonna come home and blow off your family for the entire Christmas, you got another thing coming." "What?" "All of a sudden, Christmas is about family?" "I'm asking for two minutes." "I don't have to be here for the family!" "It's Christmas!" "We haven't seen you!" "Hey, hey, hey, hey." "What's going on?" "Apparently, mom was planning to hold me hostage all Christmas." "Oh, you think I'm holding you hostage?" " I'll hold you hostage." "You're grounded!" " What?" "!" "I've been home for three minutes, and I'm already grounded?" "Oh!" "This is the worst Christmas ever!" "Hey." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." "Let's not start throwing that phrase around." "This is the best Christmas ever 'cause it's just with the family..." " [ Sighs ] - ..." "like God intended." "Mom is being totally unfair." "I just got here, and she's already telling me" "I can't hang out with my friends!" "I did not say that." "I said you couldn't hang out with just your friends." "You said it again!" "You-- you just said it again!" "All I'm asking is for you to spend a little time with your family." " All right, all right." " All of a sudden, I can't see my friends." " Really!" " Let's have everybody just take a breath." "Now, why don't you each make up a list of the stuff you want?" "And I'm sure we can come to a fair agreement and have the best Christmas we've ever had." "I'm happy to do that." "Fine." "Axl?" "!" "What, now?" "!" "Okay, I've looked at the entire winter break, and I'm gonna write down the number of hours" "I'm comfortable spending with you people." "Two?" "!" "You may spend them all at once or spread them out." " Axl!" " What?" "God, why are you so focused on me?" "I liked it better last year when grandma and grandpa were here." "Hey." "Don't even joke about that." "[ Sighs ] Okay, then I'll start." "Well, Tuesday night, I really want you to come to Ehlert's with us so we can all pick out a Christmas tree together." "Sue: [ Gasps ] I love picking out the Christmas tree!" "Yeah, that's not gonna for me." "I'm going night sledding with a bunch of people at Killer Hill." "Well, if you come with us to pick up the tree," "I could push the decorating till after." "[ Sighs ] Can't we just get the tree the next night?" "If you can make that work," "I'd be willing to throw in two family dinners with light conversation." "I was gonna do cookies Wednesday, but I could move the cookies, and I will hold you to your offer on the meals." "Fine." "I will give you Wednesday, but that's a no on the cookies." "Can you do cookies on Thursday?" " I'm not doing cookies at all." " Not even" " Cookies are off the table." " Understood." "Then I have to hold firm to Thursday." "Thursday, we're having chili and doing the Christmas puzzle." "[ Gasps ] I love doing the Christmas puzzle!" "It takes like a year to do that thing, and there's so many missing pieces." "It's just a bunch of wise men in robes looking at a hole." "Listen, I'm not giving up the Christmas puzzle, but there is a little wiggle room on caroling with the church choir." "Oh, I love caroling!" "Dad, will you go with me?" "Uh, sorry, Sue, but your mom already took it off the table." "Now, the following Tuesday night," "I will be going to a bonfire by the lake." "On Christmas Eve?" "!" "Are you kidding me?" "That's definitely a family night." "We've all having cocoa and watching "White Christmas."" "Every year, you say you're gonna watch it, and you and dad end up with your hands down your pants, watching football." "Well, not this year." "I bought a copy on eBay, and we are doing it." "It's nonnegotiable." "Oh, we get a nonnegotiable." "Good." "Then my nonnegotiable is Joe's rager on Sunday!" "Fine." "Then it looks like we have a deal." "Pleasure doing business with you." "Mm." "Wrapping paper is all ready to be returned." "Mike:" "You better hope Santa puts an extra 97 bucks in your stocking, pal, 'cause this one's on you." "Still, best Christmas ever." "Family trip to the Christmas-tree lot-- check!" "Don't wait up!" "Frankie:" "Axl, you're still on the clock!" "Now get back here and help us bring in the tree!" "[ Sighs ]" "I can't believe we finally got a big tree this year." "Our house is gonna be like a magical Christmas wonderland." "Now that I'm helping carry this thing in," "I'm gonna need you to let me go to Hooters on Christmas to watch football with my boys." "First of all, you're not going to Hooters on Christmas." "Second, have you seen the Orson Hooters?" "Yeah." "Oh, this is so exciting!" "I can't believe we actually have an "in front of the window" tree." "So, if we knew the tag was mis-marked, shouldn't we have told the guy at the tree lot?" "Well, Brick, that's an interesting dilemma." "And if you're rich, then yes." "All right." "Hope everybody's happy." "'Cause that's where it's staying till Valentine's Day." " [ Sighs ]" " Scissors." "[ Gasps ]" "[ Spits ]" "Brick?" "!" "Where's Brick?" "!" "Brick:" "In here!" "Can't find my way out." "Which wasn't the only situation he was stuck finding his way out of." "Yep, he had to find $97, and fast." "Happy holidays, Mr. Webber." "I'll be here only while supplies last." "Tell your friends." "What you got going there?" "Oh, I'm selling popcorn for the church." "This mood ring is the prize for selling 30 tins." "So, what do you say?" "Can I put you down for 28 tins?" "I'm using the money from the popcorn to pay back the wrapping-paper people." "Uh-huh." "How are you gonna pay back the popcorn people?" "According to my mood ring, I'm not that worried about it." "Frankie:" "Hey, perfect timing." "We just started decorating the tree." "Started?" "I'm almost done." "Axl, what are you doing?" "You can't just fling stuff at the tree." "You have to care." "Oh, no, mnh-mnh." "I looked at the terms of our agreement, and our deal has no mention of caring." "Come on, Axl, stop being snarky." "You know your mom." "She won't count this as a family event unless you enjoy it." "Well [Sighs] okay, fine." "It's a blast." "I'm having an explosion of fun!" "Uh, okay, now you're being sarcastic." "You're being snarky and sarcastic, and I don't think any of us want to hear any more of your..." "snarcasm." "[ Gasps ] Look!" "This one's my favorite!" "[ Sneezes ]" "Do you mind?" "I have a few fun things I'm still allowed to go to, and I can't afford to get sick." "I'm not sick!" "[ Sneezes ]" "Oh, I'm perfectly fine." "I have no idea why I'm sneezing." "[ Sniffs ]" "[ Sneezes, sighs ]" "[ Laughs ]" "[ Sneezing ]" "[ Laughs ]" "Oh, no!" "[ Gasps ]" "I'm allergic to Christmas!" "[ Sneezes ]" "So, apparently, our new, giant Christmas tree had created a new, giant Christmas allergy, but Sue had a solution." "I didn't say it was a good one." "[ Beep ] [ Distorted voice ] Mom, we need more sprinkles on these Santa cookies." "[ Normal voice ] Can you believe the prairie scouts gave me this awesome voice modulator just for selling peppermint bark?" "You realize you're gonna have to use the peppermint-bark money to pay off the popcorn people?" "[ Beep ] [ Distorted ] Right." "[ Distorted breathing ]" "Hey." "What's going on with your arms?" "Are you breaking out in hives?" "Hives?" "No, dad [Laughs] don't be silly." "These are just excitement bumps because I am so pumped for Christmas." "[ Sneezes ]" "There she goes." "Time to rinse again." " [ Clears throat, sniffs ]" " These need more sprinkles." "That's what I told her." "All right, have fun making cookies with Megaphone Boy and Snot Cousteau." "[ Laughs ]" "BT-dubs, Joe's party's gonna be slammin'." "So, uh, don't wait up for me." "♪ fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-lame ♪" "[ Laughs ]" "There" " I went caroling." "That's a freebie." "[ Sneezes ]" "[ Slurping ]" "Mm." "Hey, mom." "Can I interest you in a decorative crock-pot cozy?" "Now you can leave your crock-pot out where everyone can see and save yourself unwanted embarrassment." "It's for the women's club." "These glasses are the prize for being their top seller." "Let me guess." "You're using the cozy money to pay off the peppermint-bark people." "Exactly." "Brick, you're running a Ponzi scheme." "A Ponzi-what, now?" "[ Sighs ]" "You're using money you don't have to pay off the debt you had before, and now you got to go into even more debt to pay off this debt." "It's an endless cycle." "You're never gonna catch up." "Isn't that what you guys do with your credit cards?" "Well, yeah, but we're gonna die before they catch us." "Hmm." "[ Slurping ]" "Sue:" "Oh, my God, call the police!" " What?" "What's going on?" " What?" "Somebody stole our Christmas tree!" " [ Breathing heavily ]" " Sue, calm down." "Nobody stole anything." "I took it to the curb." "What?" "!" "I love that tree!" "Why would you get rid of the tree?" "Because it was slowly killing you?" "Frankie:" "A-a-and think about it." "Christmas isn't about the tree, right?" "It's about the spirit, and look." "We decorated a new tree." "That's not a tree!" "Of course it is about the tree." "There isn't one Christmas song that doesn't mention a tree." ""Oh, Christmas plant"?" "I don't think so!" "Oh, my God." "I ruined Christmas!" "[ Sighs ] You heard her, people." "She ruined Christmas." "Oh, well." "Guess I'll just have to find something else to do." "I think there's a bonfire tomorrow night." "No, Axl." "Christmas Eve was my nonnegotiable." "You already got yours." "But I made the wrong choice!" "Joe's party was so lame." "It shouldn't even count." "After we made cookies, I had to jitterbug with his grandma." "She kept touching my face." "She called me Donald." "[ Sighs ]" "Look, I'm sorry, but we had a deal." "It's gonna be fun, and trust me, you're gonna love "White Christmas."" "It's one of the best movie musicals of all time." "Oh, my God." "It's a musical?" "!" "That should have been disclosed at the beginning of negotiations!" "Why?" "[ Moans ]" "I felt sorry for Axl, but not that sorry." "He made a deal, and now he needed to go limp, stop fighting it, and get into the freakin' spirit already." "I know I was." "[ Humming "Deck The Halls" ]" "I can definitely get you three plants, Mr. Hayes." "But if you want them by Christmas Eve," "I'm gonna have to add a $5 rush fee." "All right." "[ Beep ]" "Brick..." "It's okay." "I'm gonna use the money from these to pay for the cozies, which paid for the peppermint bark, which paid for the popcorn, which paid for the wrapping paper." "How are you gonna pay for the poinsettias?" "Oh, these were free." "I got them from the park." "What park?" "The park with the dead people." "The cemetery?" "!" "You stole flowers from the cemetery?" "!" "What the hell were you thinking?" "!" "[ Sighs ] Quick, get these inside." "Sue:" "A little higher a-and just a tad lower." "Hi, mom." "Isn't this a great idea?" "I can still see the tree from here, but I'm not sneezing anymore." "I am gonna stay in here all Christmas!" "[ Sighs ]" "Okay." "Now, lower still." "Unh-unh." "Split the difference." "Okay, since it's Christmas Eve," "I'm gonna let you open your gifts" " from grandma and grandpa." " [ Gasps ]" "♪ We wish you a merry Christmas and a happy new year ♪" "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" "What did you guys get?" "!" "Is it good?" "!" "Hold it up so I can see it!" "Wow, electronic poker." ""Better than Pong."" "Awesome." "Axl." "Hey!" "[ Paper rustles ]" "[ Gasps ]" "They got me a book on interpreting dreams!" "I have always dreamed of getting one of these!" "I wonder what that means?" "[ Gasps ] Oh!" "All right, Axl, take all this to the garbage, and I will microwave the hot chocolate so we can watch "White Christmas"!" "[ Doorbell rings ]" "[ Gasps ] Oh, there's the door!" "Who's there?" "!" "Who's there?" "!" "Is someone at the door?" "!" "[ Knock on door ]" "Is someone knocking?" "!" " Happy holidays!" " Happy holidays!" "Is Axl home?" "Uh, sure." "Come on in." "Axl!" "[ Gasps ]" "Oh, my gosh." "Look, Court." "The Hecks are hosting a sick child for the holidays." "Isn't that sweet?" "So sweet!" "Hi, bubble girl." "I'm not a bubble girl." "I'm Sue." "We've met so many times." "I-I'm Axl's sister." "No, I don't think so." "Does Axl have a sister, Court?" "No, he's never mentioned a sick sister to me, Deb." "I'm not sick!" "I live here!" "That's right." "You live!" "You live every single day like it's your last, bubble girl!" "[ Gasps ] We're totally gonna do a charity fun run for you when the weather gets warmer." "Hey!" "What up, ladies?" "!" "Uh, please do not feed the Sue." "We've sealed it into its natural dork-itat and can't find anything that'll mate with it, so..." "[ Clicks tongue ]" "Ohh!" "Do you want to ride with us to the bonfire?" "They're asking people to carpool 'cause the party's gonna be so huge, right, Deb?" "Totally." "All the cheerleaders are coming, even the new Swedish girl who just broke up with her boyfriend." "Oh!" "[ Groans ]" "Seriously, I need to go to this bonfire, please." "I'm not above begging here." "Please, I've never asked you for anything in my life!" "First of all, you have." "Second of all, no." "It's Christmas Eve." "You committed to being with the family-- end of story." "Wow." "Your grandma's really strict." " Isn't she, Deb?" " Super strict." "Well, bye, Axl." "We'll think of you when we're doing our naked polar-bear plunge in Briar's Pond." "[ Breathing heavily ]" "Oh... my God!" "[ Door closes ]" "Can this night get any worse?" "I had to water down the cocoa 'cause we're low on milk, and don't eat the snowman cookies 'cause they're rank for some reason, but it's all good 'cause we are gonna watch "White Christmas"!" "Sue: [ Gasps ] Oh, is it starting?" "!" "Can you turn it up louder?" "Oh, my God." "This movie's so old!" "What's a VistaVision?" "[ Speaking German ]" "What are they saying?" "[ Clicking ] Wait." "How do you turn this to English?" "Irving Berlin's "Weisse Weihnachten"?" "Frankie, you bought the thing in German." "What?" "Oh, damn it!" "[ Sighs ]" "I knew 72 cents was too good of a deal." " Well... we tried." " [ Sighs ]" "Darn, I was really looking forward to watching this." " [ Grunts ]" " You're not going anywhere." "Besides, I've seen this a million times." "I can explain what's happening." " [ Conversing in German]" " Okay, now, this is the war part." "Axl, you should like that." "And that's the general." "Oh, and those two soldiers are song-and-dance men." "Song-and-dance men?" "What are they gonna do-- bore the enemy into submission?" "You know, this is all just setup." "Let's move ahead." "[ Fast-forwarding ]" "Oh, oh, oh, oh!" "This part is so funny!" "Okay, they have to pretend to be women and get on a train to leave town 'cause they didn't pay their rent." "When Bing Crosby finds out, he gets so mad!" "Sue:" "Ha!" "It sounds funny, mom!" "I can't see it, but it sounds funny." "So, they dress up like women to escape the police on the train?" "No, they dress up like women to perform so the policemen have to stay and watch." "Uh, I'm not explaining it right." "[ Slurps ] Ow, ow, ow, hot, hot!" "Wait, who does George Clooney's aunt fall in love with?" "Bob, Bing Crosby." "They sang a song together." "Here." "Let me go back." "Oh, no!" "[ Groans ]" "No more going back!" "I can't believe this!" "All my friends from high school are back in town at the world's most awesome bonfire, and I'm stuck here, talking to you people, drinking cocoa water, and watching some weird German war movie where dudes sit around in bow ties," "singing to each other!" "Don't you get it?" "I'm older now." "I'm an adult, and I have rights." "This is my vacation, too, and I'm glad you love the movie!" "I love bonfires!" "Well, you know what?" "!" "You can make me stay in this house, but you can't make me watch this movie!" "[ Door slams ]" "You want me to go get him?" "No." "You know what?" "He's right." "This is lame." "Why don't you tell him to go to his party?" " You sure?" " Yeah, I'm sure." "[ Sighs ]" "Hey, what's-- what's happening?" "Who's walking by?" "Are we taking a break?" "[ Knock on door ] Hey." "Why don't you go ahead and go to that bonfire?" "Seriously?" "Yeah." "Yes!" "This is awesome!" "[ Laughs ] Thanks, dad." "I knew you'd come through for me." "Actually, it was your mom's idea to let you go." "[ Scoffs ] Really?" "[ Laughs ]" "Look, Axl, you're home from college, and you want to spend time with your friends." " We get that." " Yeah." "But, uh, your mom knows she's only got you for a few more years, and, well, it's not just your mom." "It's me, too." "Time goes fast, you know, the whole "Cat's In The Cradle" thing." "That's why I wanted to have Christmas with just the family." "Well, that, and your grandparents are nuts." "Yeah. [ Laughs ]" "Hey, what's "Cat's In The Cradle"?" "Well, it's a song from the '70s." "You've heard it." "Uh, no." "[ Chuckles ]" ""My child arrived just the other day, came into the world in the usual way."" ""There were planes to catch and bills to pay." "He learned to walk while I was away."" "Anyway, the kid goes off to college and... gets married, you know, starts a family, and the dad starts to slow down, and..." ""I've long since retired." "My son's moved away." "I called him up just the other day." "Said, 'I'd like to see you if you don't mind.'" "He said, 'I'd love to, dad, if I could find the time." "See, my new job's a hassle, and the kids have the flu, but it's sure nice talking to you, dad." "It was sure...'"" "[ Sighs ]" "Anyway..." "it was a pretty famous song." "Have fun at the bonfire." "Yep." "I will." "Hey, Sue." "What you doing out here?" "I finally figured out a way to enjoy the tree and still breathe." "So pretty." "Well, it really is." "I'm glad we got the big tree this year." "Me too." "Next year, we're getting an artificial one." "I know." "[ Door opens ]" "[ Sighs ] Hey." "What you guys doing?" "Just sitting out here, enjoying the sights." "Mm." "Hmm." "[ Groans ]" "[ Door closes ] Hey." "I thought you were going to the bonfire." "[ Sighs ] Yeah." "I don't know." "I was a little tired, so..." "just decided to hang here." "[ Dog barks in distance ]" "[ Man singing "White Christmas" in German ]" "So, it's like this kid's born, and he starts to grow up, and he wants to be just like his dad." "And they have a cat?" "I'm not exactly sure where the cat comes in" "[Sniffs] or the cradle, but, basically [Sighs] this kid just wants to hang out with his dad all the time, but his dad's too busy with work." "And then at the end of the song, the dad's like [Clears throat] really old." "All he wants to do is spend time with his kid, but now the kid's busy with his own family, and, uh... he just can't find the time." "What happens?" "Does he get to spend time with his son?" "[ Sighs ]" "The song doesn't say, but [Inhales deeply] the kid's pretty busy, so..." "[ Voice breaking ] I'm assuming the dad eventually dies." "***" "I'm calling dad at work."