"All my life I've been in love with Missy McCloud." "That's her, back at her first grade birthday party." "Even at the age of six, Missy was the kind of girl... that everyone just liked being around, me especially." "That's me in the back, with the little red fireman's hat on." "And that is the most amazing present in the world." "It took me almost a year to save up enough to buy it." "And when she opened it, I was sure she'd fall helplessly in love with me." " It couldn't fail." " I love it." "Johnny, don't you have something for Missy?" "This was it, my golden moment." "In front of everyone, the most exotic creature alive... would fall totally in love with me, forever." "I had the confidence." "I had the gift." " Well, son?" " But I wimped out." "All right, kids, cake time!" "Come on!" "What are you looking at, dirtbag?" "Here, honey, you sit there." "Make a wish." " Happy birthday!" " That's my girl." "Over the next 12years, I lusted after Missy." "She filled out in all the right places... the ones I'd been reading about in the National Geographic." "The more she grew up, the more helplessly in love I became." "That was the problem." "Well, you know what they say:" "love makes you do crazy things." "Well, my love for Missy drove me to do the most unimaginable thing... one human being can do to another, but that comes later." "My story begins at the end of my senior year in high school... on the historic day after Missy broke up with Buck Van Patten... her boyfriend for the last six years." "I was ecstatic." "This day was the beginning of the end of my life." "Damn right, 7:15." "Huh." "Doom." "Hi, Mom." "Hi, Dad." " What's your hurry there, son?" " Today I'm going to ask... the most perfect girl in the world to the prom." "Oh, you're going to ask your own mother, eh?" "Oh, you." "Sit down, honey." "Breakfast is ready." " No time, Mom." " Always time for a good breakfast." " You're absolutely right." " A donut isn't breakfast." "It's fine, Ma." "Where's the vitamin C?" "Where's the fiber?" "I'll eat on the way." "Well, that way better not take you across Mrs.Jones's yard, son." "We don't want the neighbors to think ill of us." "Hi, Mrs. Smith." "Morning, Johnny." "Morning, Mrs.Jones. Hope you don't think ill of me." "Oh!" "Good morning." "Hi." "Hi, Johnny." " Hello." " Good morning, John." " Beautiful day!" "It certainly is." "Slow it down, Johnny." " Hi, Mrs. Applebaum." " Hi, Johnny." "How are you?" "There she is." "That's Missy, all grown up." "And that's my friend Eddie." "He's a dick, but I like him." "Hey, Missy." "I just wanted to say you look really nice today... in a physically perfect, newly available kind of way." " Thanks." " Extinguish all talking." "Now who can tell me how heroes are created?" " Gerald?" " Th-That's a tricky question." "I don't think heroes are born, I think they're made." "They're normal men faced with extraordinary circumstances." "My personal hero is Jane Goodall." "When she was born she didn't know anything about apes and their culture... but as she grew, she studied really hard" "Hey, Tiger." " You talkin' to me?" " Mm-hmm." "I know that you've been really concerned lately that you're still a virgin... and you don't have a date to the prom." "And that you're sexually stupid." "But those things, they mean nothing to me." "I love you just the way you are." "Oh, I see." "I'm dreaming." "Johnny!" "Dingle!" "We're here at the Fairview gymnasium, the site of Johnny Dingle's... most ambitious sexual challenge to date." "And there's Johnny Dingle himself... looking really pumped up for tonight's event." "The crowd just loves this kid!" "It looks like he may go all the way tonight!" "And there he goes!" " Oh, and a flag on the play!" " What?" "Personal foul." "The challenger, Johnny Dingle... is not using a regulation-size unit." "He's disqualified!" "What do you mean it's not regulation?" "This is the most pathetic sexual fantasy I've ever seen." "Say good night, sex boy." "No!" "Go get her." "Attention, students." "There will be a surprise fire drill..." " Missy." " Yeah?" "I, uh, I have something I want to ask." "Okay, shoot." " Are you trying to hypnotize me?" " No, no, um." "No, what I want to ask you is this:" "since you're not seeing Buck anymore..." "I was wondering if maybe you'd like to go" "Make way!" "Move." "Move!" "Buck, what are you doing?" "What is this?" " I am so sorry." "I'm an idiot." " Well, no kidding." "You stand me up, and then you don't even call me." "My car broke down." "I had to walk eight miles through the rain to get to a telephone." "When I got there, you were already gone." "Really?" "I would walk on glass... and eat donkeys for you." "I can't live knowing that you're not mine." "Will you go to the prom with me?" "Of course I will, silly." "I'm sorry too." "Let's not fight anymore." "What's up, Dingle?" "Nice zit." "See you, Johnny." " What are you lookin' at, dirtbag?" " Nothing." "Well, that blew ropy goat chunks now, didn't it?" "It's not over." "That's when I came up with the plan that would change my life forever." "Andit could have worked too." "It was swashbuckling, romantic, daring." " All right, let me see it." "Let me see it." " This is absurd." "Unfortunately, it depended on Eddie." "All right, give me all your money." "That was it?" "That was menacing?" "All right, news flash." "This just in, Johnny." "Missy is going to the prom with Buck." "You got it?" "Look, you pretend to kill her, I save her life... she thinks I'm a hero, ditches Buck and goes to the prom with me." "How sweet is that?" "This is desperate and this is sick." "I think you should get some therapy." "I do." "With the steadfast support of my best friend... and the cool cunning of a master tactician..." "I swung into action." " Hi, Johnny." " Hey, there." " That it?" " Um" " Anything else?" " Yeah, um, these." "Freeze!" "Don't move!" "Give me your money!" "Give me your mon" "Give me your money." "Come on, come on" "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "Uh, nothing." " Are you gonna rob this store?" " Uh, yes, yes, I was." "But you can rob it if you want." "I can come back tomorrow." " I can always come back tomorrow." " Give me your mask." "Okay, we have one flyswatter, one pair of red, fuzzy dice... yellow army tank." "Anything else?" "Chinese checkers, a birdhouse, perhaps?" "All right, give me all your money, or I'll blow your goddamm brains out!" " Hey!" "Don't talk to her like that!" " What?" "Who the hell do you think you are, buddy?" " Excuse me, do you have a gun?" " No." " Then shut up!" " Not so over the top." "What?" " Shit." " Let's go." "Damn right, "let's go."" "Let's go!" "Look out!" "Johnny?" "Johnny?" "Johnny?" "Oh!" "Oh, my god." "I'm not dreaming." "Would you like to go to the prom with me?" "Sure." "Great." "Oh, Johnny, are you lost?" "Are you alone?" "If you fall in your empty forest and you cry out, will no one hear you?" "We here today will join you in such a short time." "We will miss you dearly." "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust." "What once was, is no longer." "Amen." " Amen." " Amen." "Good-bye, son." "Be nice to God." "I made you bologna and mustard with the edges cut off... just the way you like it." "You eat all of it, do you hear me?" "You hear your mother?" "Come on, Marge." "Good-bye, Johnny." "I wish we could have gotten to know each other." "Oh, hi there." "I'm Murray." " Murray Brickman." " Johnny Dingle." "Nice to meet you, Johnny Dingle." "Oh, look at you." "You're a mess." "Just crawled out of the grave, did you?" " I guess so." " Isn't that something." "Been a long time since anybody came back from the dead." "I think the last time was Thanksgiving, 15 years ago." "Hey, wait a minute." "Did you say come back from the dead?" "Yes." "You're now one of the undead, Johnny Dingle." "Doomed to spend the rest of your days shunned by the human race." " Whoa, where you going?" " Home." "No, you're not." "That's what I'm trying to tell you, Johnny Dingle." "You can't ever leave the cemetery again." "I'm not gonna live in the cemetery the rest of my life." "I got a date Friday night." "I'm very sorry." "You'll have to break the date." "You're crazy." "I'm going to the prom with Missy McCloud." "I'm sure she's very nice, but you still can't leave." "Only death awaits you among the living." " I am among the living." " You're undead." "Hey, look, just because I crawled out of a grave... doesn't mean I'm a friggin' zombie." "It does if you were dead before you went into the grave." "Okay, look, I admit maybe I got shot..." " but I didn't die." " You're very unreasonable." "Excuse me." "Where do you think you're going?" "How could I be dead?" "I've never felt better in my life." "I'm in love." " I feel great." " No, J-Johnny!" " If you leave, you'll" " I'll what?" "You'll find out." " Hi, Mom." " Mmm." " Hi, Dad." " Hi, Johnny." "You know, son, your mother and I and the ambulance driver... and the coroner and the embalmer... were all pretty much convinced that you were dead." "I got better." "Huh." "Well, welcome home, son." "Thanks." "Are you hungry?" "Do you want something to eat?" "Gee, there's a lot of food left over from the funeral." "Oh, my god." "I am dead." "Johnny, breakfast is ready." "Coming, Mom." "No thanks, Mom." "Hmm, you look a little pale this morning, son." "I'm dead, Dad." "How about some eggs?" "Not hungry." "Not hungry, he says." "Did you hear him?" " Have you got a temperature?" " Of course not." "I just told you, I'm dead." "Well, I'm calling Emille Bronson." "I am not going to Dr. Bronson." "I'm not that desperate." "Ho, ho, ho, ho!" "I guess I know one young man who's not going to school today." "Hello, Dr. Bronson." "This is Marge Dingle." "Dr. Bronson, the reason I called is our son, Johnny... died the other day and I was wondering if you could take a look at him." "Wouldyou like to talk to him?" "Sure." "Johnny?" " Eddie Conners?" " Yeah, I'm here." "Johnny Dingle?" "Oh." "Hi, buddy." "Hey!" "Sorry I'm late, Mrs. Cooper." "You wouldn't believe the trouble I had getting here." "I would believe it, and I'm not impressed." " You get one demerit." " But" "Just because you're dead does not mean that you can come waltzing in here when you like." " John Craig?" " Present." " Linda Given." " Here." " Hi." " Hi." " Hey, Missy, wait a minute." " Johnny, hi." "Uh, listen, you know, I think it's really great... that you're back from the dead and all, but I've got gym." " But wait a minute." " Is that him?" " Yeah!" "Look, maybe she's uncomfortable... because, you know, you are recently deceased." " Eddie, come on, be serious." " I am serious, Johnny." "I'm just dead." "It's not like I'm an asshole or anything." "I didn't say you were an asshole." "It's just that some people might consider being dead somewhat... unfashionable." " That's really shallow of you, Eddie." " Shut up and eat your food." "God!" "I can't eat this." "It's disgusting." "You never thought it was disgusting before." "This is totally different." "They must have done something weird to it." "If you don't want it, I'll eat it." "What?" "What do you mean, "What?" You just tried to take a bite out of my arm!" "Oh, I'm sorry, Eddie." "It was just gonna be a little bite." "Johnny, you shouldn't be taking any bites." " Here, let me" " No, no, no!" "You just get the hell away from my arm." "See you." "Missy, hey." "I just want to know what time I should pick you up for the prom." "Um, you shouldn't." " What do you mean?" " I have to go." "Wait a minute." "Are you mad 'cause I tried to take a bite out of Eddie?" " Oh, no, of course not." " Then what's wrong?" "You're not breaking our date, are you?" " I came back from the dead for this date." " Well, gee, Johnny... it's just, I really didn't expect you to make it." "Well, I wouldn't have asked if I couldn't make it." "I'm sorry." "Hey, look, it's that dead kid." "It's because I'm dead, isn't it?" " That's why you won't go out with me." " Don't insult me." "You're afraid of what people might say, aren't you?" "Behind your back, everybody whispering, "There goes Missy with the dead kid."" "Look, that has nothing to do with it, okay?" "I only said I would go to the prom with you because you were dying." " I'm Buck's girlfriend." " All right then, forget the prom for now." " How about a movie?" "Johnny." " Hi there." " Buck, hi." " Hi." "Dead little snot." "You think you can hang out with us decent living folks like you're still alive?" "Why is everyone making such a big deal about this?" "I've only been dead one day." "We're watching you, dead boy." "We don't like your kind." " You're stinkin' up the whole school." " Chuck!" "What are people gonna say?" "My girlfriend hanging outwith a decaying kid." "I don't really care what people think and he's actually a nice guy..." " so cut it out." " Let's go." "I better not ever catch you with that dead kid again." "I got a reputation." "Eight o'clock." "This was it." "This was the beginning of a dream come true." "I picked her up early." "I had all the right moves." "I was like Tom Cruise, only dead." "The stage was set for the most romantic evening in history." "...womb of hell itself." "Eternally seeking the flesh of the living." "Bloodthirstyzombies howling for your flesh." "Oh, I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "Excuse me." "Thanks." " What are these?" " Ju Jubes." "Really?" "Are they good?" "I've never had one." "Never?" "You've never had a Ju Jube?" " Say, isn't that Buck's girl?" " It sure is." " What's she doing here with the dead kid?" " I don't know, man." "They're good, right?" "But what's the problem?" " They're stuck in my teeth." " Right, right." "So what you do is take a drink of your soda." "Why?" "Just take a drink." "Trust me." "There's something wonderful happening in your mouth now, right?" "I can't believe that you came up with a whole system for this." " Oh, god, I'm sorry." "Let me, um" " No, it's okay." "Bloodthirsty zombies at the foot of your bed... howling for your flesh." "Zombies, like the one right there!" "You know, it's terrible the way those zombie movies twist the truth like that." "There's a lot of prejudice against the undead." "Can I touch you?" "Uh-huh." "Your skin feels different than most guys." " Does that hurt?" " Not much." "Can you even feel it?" "Uh-huh." "Can you feel that?" "Yeah, I can feel that." "I like you, Johnny." "Really?" "Can I kiss you?" "Uh-huh." "Oh, god." "I don't know what it is about you now, Johnny, but you drive me crazy." "Oh?" " Missy?" " Hmm?" "Oh, I know you're already going with Buck to the prom... but I was thinking that maybe" "What was that?" "Your ear." "What?" " Your ear fell off." " Oh, shit." "Is that you, sweetheart?" "Uh, yes, Dad!" "Here, take your ear." "Oh, shit." "But" "I heard someone my age is supposed to be comfortable... with the way their body changes, but given the circumstances... this was too much." "Dr. Bronson?" "Dr. Bronson?" " Yes?" " I'm dead." "Okay, well, you're dead... which is unusual because we don't normally see this much activity in a dead person." " Let's look at your symptoms." " I'm decaying." "Oh, good." " Decay." "All right." "Is that your ear, then?" "It fell off about 20 minutes ago." "May I see it?" "It's still in good shape." "It's just not on my head." "Hello?" "Hello?" "I'm just teasing." " May I keep it?" " No way!" "Well, I need skin samples so I can run some tests." "Well... here." "Well, that's very disgusting, but I guess that'll do fine." "Isn't there, um, some kind of medicine I could take while you look at that?" " A shot or something?" " To avoid decaying?" " Yes!" " No." "Everything that is dead eventually decays." "Oh, my god." "Wait, wait." "I do think maybe I" " Aha!" " "Aha" what?" "I think I can help you with that ear." " You want me to glue it on?" " Well, it's either that or the staple gun." "Okay, fine." "This takes care of my ear." "What should I do about the rest of me?" "You really want to know what I'd do in your situation?" "That's when he sent me to Maggie Benson." "The doctor said that at the rate I was decaying..." "I'dbe dead, really dead, by tomorrow." "So Maggie was my only choice." "Local legend had it that her husband came back from the dead 15 years ago, just like me." "So if anyone could help me with my decaying thing, she'd be the one." "Hello?" "Anybody here?" "Oh, my dear boy." "You're a zombie." "So it ripped right off in her mouth, did it?" "Yes, ma'am." "Right off." "That must have been so embarrassing." "You have no idea." "She must be quite a gal." "She is." "But I don't know if she'll even see me after what happened." "Have a little faith." "Things aren't so bad." "No, they're pretty bad." "I just found out I'm gonna be really dead by tomorrow." "I was told you knew how to stop that from happening." "Oh, Johnny, I" "I haven't talked about zombies for a long, long time." "I need to live long enough to go to the prom tomorrow night." "I'll do anything." " Oh, no, don't be so quick to" " Anything." "Oh, my dear boy, you don't understand." "There is something you can do... but it is a terrible thing." "Tell me." "Flesh of the living." "The more you eat, the more time you have." "Are you crazy?" "There's nothing else you can do." "There's got to be." "Look, I almost took a bite out of my friend" "Eddie and it was such the wrong thing to do." "He's very mad." " A bite will give you about 20 minutes." " Twenty minutes?" "I need a whole day." "Then you'll have to eat a little more." " How much more?" " Oh, my goodness, it's hard to say." "An arm, a leg, a stomach, a foot." "It's not an exact science, you know." "What kind of friggin' nut are you, tellin' me to go out and eat people?" "I'm not telling you to eat people." "I'm saying eating the flesh of the living is... buying you a little more time... but it's an awful price to pay." "Well, it doesn't matter because I'm not eating anybody!" "Well, then you'll be dead by tomorrow." " How the hell do you know?" " John Dingle, I know." "Well, I'm gonna find a way." "I have acquired a skin sample... fromJohnny Dingle, 17 and a zombie." "In order to prevent him from completely decaying..." "I must use his flesh to create a serum... that will actually reverse the natural process of decay we all suffer... as we grow older." "It stands to reason that his zombie flesh should contain within it... the genetic code for the reanimation of dead tissue." "Ergo, life after death." "Hi, Johnny." "Hi." "What are you doing here?" "Oh, I just came by to see how you were." "How's your ear?" "Fine." "Good as new." "Let me see." "Wow!" "You know, you can hardly even tell it ripped off your head." "You think so?" "I was feeling a little insecure about it." "You know, Johnny... you're a really good-looking guy." " You think so?" " Absolutely." "A little style in your" " Oh, shit." " What?" "Sorry." "Oh, that's all right." "It's not your fault." "Here, let me see if I can just" "You smell really nice." "Thanks." "Um, my" "I'll get it." "Got it." "Be sure you get it on straight." "Oh, it's on straight." "There." "Much better." "Listen, Johnny, it's getting kind of late." "I should probably be going so you can lay down and let that nose harden." "No, no, wait, wait, wait." "Don't leave, don't leave." " I want to talk toyou" " Let go!" "Johnny, I am not even gonna look." "Just get this thing off of me." " I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." " I'll see you tomorrow." "No, wait!" "Everything's fine." "Don't leave." "Minor setback." "Johnny, look at you!" "I'm fine." "Nothing else is gonna fall off." "Thank you, God." "Thank you, God." "Shake a leg, Johnny!" "Breakfast!" "Mom, I told you I can't eat that stuff anymore." "There's got to be someone I can eat." " Back off, dead boy." " Sorry." " Hi, Johnny." " Oh, hi." "Doyourememberlastnight when we were in the car..." " and your ear-- you know, it" " Fell off?" "Right." "Well, that got me to wondering." "What if your other ear were to fall off?" "Uh-huh." "Well, then, what if other stuff started falling off." "I don't know, like your arms or something." "Yeah." "Well, then if stuff just kept falling off..." " pretty soon" " I'd just be a little pile of stuff." "Right." "So what I was wondering is if something like that might actually happen?" "If it did would you feel different towards me?" "Is that what's gonna happen to you, Johnny?" "It's-- It's a definite possibility." "Oh, god." "You are so different from any other guy I have ever known." "Buck would kill me if he found out I was going outwith you." "You're decaying and" "Still, god, I wish you weren't dead." "Me too." "You know, I've never kissed a dead guy before you, Johnny." " Got you!" " Geez!" "Damn it!" "Holy" "Come here, you stinkin' dead ya-hoo toucher!" " Buck, stop him." " Come here!" "Hey, come on." "Chuck, you don't understand." "Come on, Chuck, let's sit down and just hash this thing out." "I'm gonna kill you, dead boy!" " Come here!" " Maybe we should, uh" "Come here, you stinkin' dead ya-hoo toucher!" "Chuck, look." "Chuck." "Chuck!" "Chuck, let's um" "Chuck." "Chuck." " Chuck, let's discuss this." " Okay." " Uh-oh." " Huh?" "Chuck?" "You okay?" "I am really, truly sorry about this, Chuck." "There's just no other way." "Oh!" "Oh, no!" "Oh, hi, Eddie." "Youknow, colleges look at this sort of thing!" " Oh." " Johnny?" "Oh, great." "Oh, my god!" "How could you?" "You ate Chuck!" "Not all of him." " Hello, this is Brenda Bodine and we're coming to you live... from Fairview High School where we just received word that some sort oftragic" " Excuse me." "Sheriff McCloud." " I'm gonna have to ask you all" "We just received word that some sort of tragedy has happened in the high school today." " Uh, no, nothing unusual." " I was referring to the slaughter." " Right." "Well, there was that." " Sheriff" "Earlier today one of the students got badly killed." "We've heard reports that the murderer might have been 17-year-old Johnny Dingle." "I'm going to make an official statement here." "Johnny Dingle is dead." "Okay?" "Yes, but then this wouldn't be the first time... that someone has come back from the dead in Fairview... to wreak havoc on an innocent victim." "What is a zombie and how can you tell if there's one living in your neighborhood?" "Ooh!" " Emille?" " What is it?" " You have a patient." " I'm busy." "It's Chuck Bronski." "He was eaten in school today." "All right, all right, I'll have a look at him." "But while I'm doing that, I want you to go out and find me a live chicken." " A chicken?" " Just do it!" "All right." "Hello, Chuck." "My name is Doctor Bronson." "How are we doing today?" "Isee." "Chuck, you've suffered a lot of bleeding... and there's an ax in your head... and it appears that someone has eaten your stomach." "Pulse is a little lower than I'd like." "Let's just take a look at your retinal response." "Oh, hi." "You must be Big Chuck Bronski." "Hello." "Oh, my god!" "I have some bad news." "Your boy is very sick." "He's lost a massive amount of blood... and his pulse and retinal response are poor... and, as you can see, there's an ax sticking out of his head." " He's not sick, you idiot, he's dead!" " Oh, everybody's a doctor!" "You think maybe I could make the diagnosis?" "It's like somebody ate him!" "What kind of a monster would do that to another human being?" "Mom!" " Here." " I have a big problem." " John, you have a visitor." " Oh, hey, Eddie." "Look, about today, that wasn't entirely my fault." "Oh, it's not just today." "It's yesterday too." " What happened yesterday?" " You tried to eat my arm, pal!" "Oh, I think you owe someone an apology." "I'm sorry." "I'm really, really sorry." "Just--Just don't try to eat me anymore, all right?" " I promise." " Still buds?" " Huh?" " Yeah, still buds." "Ah, that's what I like to hear." "Hi, honey." "Hi, sweetie." "Oh, son, did you by any chance murder a boy in school today?" " It wasn't murder." "It was an accident." " Well, I hope you didn't eat him." "'Cause lunch is in five minutes... and I picked up something special for you at the supermarket." "Oh, boy!" " Hi." " Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy." " Mmm!" " You picked up a little kid!" "Am I wrong, or do you have to eat the flesh of the living?" "Mom, I absolutely can't do that anymore!" "Well, there are hungry people all over the world who'd be thrilled to eat him." "Yeah, my mom says that to me all the time." "Come on, just send him home!" "Uh, I'll get it." "Oh, shit!" " Mr. Dingle?" " Yes?" "I understand that your boy is a zombie." " Mm-hmm, yes, that's right." " Well, he killed and ate my boy today... so me and some of the other guys decided to come over and talk to him." "Uh, hold on." "Honey!" "There's some people here who want to talk to Johnny." "Invite them in!" "Uh, I don't want them to think ill of us." "Well, uh, oh!" "Honey, this is the father... of the boy that Johnny murdered in school today." "I know how difficult it is to lose a son." "We lost Johnny just a couple of days ago." "Yes, ma'am." "I'm still reeling." "So is there someway we could see the boy?" "Sure." "I think he's hiding in the closet.Johnny!" "Come on out, sweetie!" "Are they gone?" "Whoa!" "Hey, quit it!" " Oh, wow." " Will you cut it out?" " Ooh, wicked, awesome." " Uh, fellas..." "Johnny's already dead, you see... so, um, you're gonna have a hard time killing him." " Hi, Daddy." " Oh, hi, little Chuck." " Little Chuck?" " This is little Chuck?" "What are you doing with my one remaining son?" "Nice going, Ma." "Daddy, that dead man tried to eat me." " Stop it!" " That won't work, you idiots!" " But this will." " Excuse me." " You wouldn't shoot me." " I might." " Jesus!" " Now get out of my house... or I'll clip your manhood." "All right, Ma!" "Come on, let's get out of here." "Let's go, little Chuck." " All right, Daddy." " We'll be back." "It was time to stop running." "Time to summon up the courage that had eluded me for 12 straight years." "Time to complete my life's mission." "It was still there." "Waiting patiently for this moment." "Gathering a little dust, sure... but otherwise... untouched." "I had the confidence." "I had the gift." "This time I was definitely ready." "I was actually not looking forward to going to the prom." "And then my mom found this place where they dye your shoes in the exact same shade... as your fabric... and they're also dyeing my purse." "Can I tell you..." "I am so relieved that you are going to the prom with Buck." "I mean..." "I heard this really nasty rumor that you might be going with that dead kid." "Oh... no." "We just went to the movies together." "He died for me." "I figured it was the least that I could do." "N-No big deal." "Hi." " Johnny, please, just leave." " No, you have to listen to me." "How can you expect me to listen to you after what you did to Chuck?" "I wanna talk to you about that." "There is nothing you can say to make things better... because you ate someone, do you understand that?" "Wait a minute!" "Are you afraid I might eat you?" "Is that the problem?" "Are you kidding me?" "Will you just leave me alone!" "You may not know this, Missy, but I ate Chuck for you." "God, my boyfriend won't even pump gas for me." "What?" "Oh, geez, Miss, I didn't wanna eat him... but it was the only way I could live long enough to go to the prom with you." "You ate someone just to go to the prom with me?" "I died for you!" "I came back from the dead for you." "I love you." "Come on, let's go." " I don't understand, Johnny." " What?" "How... you can love me so much?" "How you can do all these things for me?" "By god, if it ain't the zombie out with a livin' woman." " He's mighty proud." " Go get Chuck." "Look, Miss... other people might want you because you're pretty and popular... and they wanna be seen with you." "I want you because I love you." " And I always have." " It's not natural." " What's this?" " Open it." "I've been tryin' to give you this since the first grade." "Oh." "Youare the kindest, smartest, most beautiful girl I've ever known." "And, uh-- And I would die happy... ifyou would dance just one dance with me at the prom." "I would love to go to the prom with you." "This mornin' he eats your boy and now he's out there kissing' on the McCloud girl." " Hey, what are you doing?" " Shut up, you little zombie slut!" " I am not a slut." " Leave her alone." "She's a good girl." "Good girls don't hang around with dead boys." " Tramp!" " Zombie lover." " Whore of the undead." " Enough!" "It's not her fault." "She was taken in by his wily decaying ways." " That's not true, Buck." " You don't even know what you're saying." "I'll kill him." "I swear I'll kill him." " Daddy." " What the hell is goin' on here?" "Johnny Dingle's what's goin' on." "Johnny Dingle is dead." "Right?" "Yes, sir." "He ate my son and he's takin' your daughter to the prom." "So I'd say that's pretty damned active fora dead guy." "I demand a zombie burning!" "I want vengeance for my son." "Yeah, you're damn right!" "Missy, Johnny, let's get in the car." "Something's gotta be done." "Yougot until sundown, Sheriff, to banish that abomination." "After that..." "he's ours." " Why, hello, Sheriff." " Well... to what do we owe the pleasure of your visit?" "I was hoping to have a word with you about Johnny." "I think maybe it's time for the Dingles and the McClouds to have a little chat." "Well, this just looks wonderful, ma'am." "Let's all dig in." "John, honey, I wonder, could you get us some butter for the croissants?" " Sure, Mom." " Thank you, dear." "Mom?" "Excuse me." " What the hell is this?" " A body." "I know it's a body." " Who put it here?" " I did." " You did?" " I thought you might like a snack." "A snack?" "What are we, the Manson family now?" "Where did you get this body?" " Found it." " You found it?" "I was at the mortuary." "They're practically giving them away." "Mom, they don't give bodies away... at the mortuary." "I sure like beans." " Everything okay, then?" " Right as rain." "Mm-hmm." "Then let's get right to it, Johnny." "I know you killed Chuck Bronski." "He didn't kill him, Daddy, he just ate him." "That's enough, young lady." "I'll have no more smart talk out of you!" "Daddy, what about those guys at the Donner Pass who ate their friends?" "Nobody got mad at them." "Would you excuse me for a moment, Sheriff?" "Of course." "You know what Big Chuck Bronski and the townspeople would like to do to your son?" "They'd like to break out some torches and have themselves a zombie barbecue." " What do you want me to do?" " I'll make you a deal." "You leave town right now, quietly, never show your face around here again... andI will keep the townspeople off you until you get away." " This sounds like a good deal." " Okay, but only... if I can escort Missy to the prom first." "You are not taking my daughter to the prom, you stupid dead son-of-a-bitch!" " I am going with him, Daddy." " You are not going, and that is final!" "You are being so unfair." "What do you have against Johnny besides the fact that he's dead?" " You need another reason?" " What are you so afraid of?" "That you'll eat her, for one thing." "Oh, that's crazy!" "I would never eat Missy!" " He didn't eat us." " He didn't eat the dog." "See?" "Look, you little tough guy... you get outta town now or I will personally kill you again." " You don't frighten me?" " Oh, no?" " And you can't stop me?" " Really?" "And what can I get for madame?" " Duck, please." " Oh, tres bien." "And for the monsieur?" "I will have the T-bone steak." "Excellent choice." "And for the lepetit monsieur... may I suggest the delicious buffet?" "Get your food, honey." "You just don't know when to stop, do you, you miserable little shit?" " This is the buffet?" " You tell me?" "Is there anyone in my family you don't plan to eat today?" " I didn't do this." "I'm not gonna eat you." " 'Cause you're a coward." " You shut up." "Shut up!" " Coward." "Coward." "Oh-ho, you're pretty tough when it comes to eating' high schoolers." "When it comes to chowin' down on a real man, you're quite the little wussy, ain't ya?" "Listen, pal, you say one more thing" " Wussy." "Wussy." " That's it." "Johnny, don't do that." "Oooh." "Not so easy, is it?" "There's a lot of livin' in that foot." " There, smart-ass." " Foot's easy." "There's nothing on a foot." "Now, calf's a different story; all muscle!" "We'll just see about that." "Oh, you can kiss that calf muscle good-bye, fat man." "I'm stuffed." "You call that eating?" "A herd of guppies could've picked me clean in half the time." "Come on, it looks yummy." "Yummy." "All right." " Johnny!" " Missy!" "Daddy was right; you were gonna eat me, weren't you?" "Don't be ridiculous, I would never eat you." "And why not?" "What, I'm not good enough for you?" "Johnny..." "I think you should try." "Come on..." "take a little bite." "Don't you understand?" "I love you." "And I love you, Johnny." "That's why I want you..." "to eat me." "Don't you wanna eat me?" "Well" " Johnny?" "Johnny honey?" " Mom?" "Are you all right, son?" " Yeah." " You don't look very good." "Where's Missy?" "Come in." "Why aren't you dressed?" "I'm not going." "Oh, sure you are, honey, come on." "Hey, Buck's gonna be here any minute." "I am not going to the prom with Buck, Daddy." "The only person I want to go to the prom with is Johnny." "Damn it, Missy!" "Now, honey, I know that you care about this boy, but... in a couple of months you are going to go off to college... and you'll meet a nice young man who's still alive." " Won't that be better?" " I don't want a living boy, I want Johnny." "Get dressed!" "You are going to the prom with Buck!" " I am not going to the prom" " And that's final!" "Johnny, are you okay?" "I'm really sorry about my dad." "It's okay." "Look, if you still wanna go with me, put on your gown..." " and I'll carry you down the trellis." " Okay." "Aaa-oooh!" "Johnny?" "Johnny?" "Oh, Johnny." "My, uh" " My muscles are starting to decay." "Oh." "Johnny." "Here, grab my hand." " Are you kind of dying now?" " Kind of." "Maybe this'll help." "I want you... to eat me." "She is very tender this evening." "Eat me." "Don't you wanna eat me?" " Aaah!" " Oh, my god." "It's okay, Johnny." " Oh, my god, I'm sorry." " No, it's okay." "I don't care." " I can't take you to the prom." " No, Johnny." " Don't be silly." "It's fine." " I have to go." "I have to go, Missy." "Johnny, no." "Buck called." "He'll be here in a moment." "Get dressed..." "and come downstairs." "Oh..." "I can't watch." "The chicken... feels no pain." "Now, this won't hurt a bit." "Emille." "Get in there." "Okay." "Yes." "It works." " Emille." "Oh, I'm so proud of you." " It works." "Oh, Shelley, I'm about to save a young man's life." "A moment every physician dreams of." "Hope you won't think harshly of me, darling, but I'm having a thought." "Quick, the solution." "Suppose we obtain a sizable quantity of the zombie flesh." "A few arms, a few legs." "He's almost dead already." " I don't follow you." " Then if we took the flesh..." " and mixed up a really big batch of your wonderful serum" "The fountain of youth; cosmetic surgery without the surgery." "Shelley, nothing must prevent me from honoring a promise I made to a young man... in terrible, terrible trouble." "I think we could make a shit load of money." " What the hell are you doin'?" " No, no, what the hell are you doin'?" "I'm leaving." "I can't take Missy to the prom, I just tried to eat her." " Well, then get ready to say, "Eddie, you're a genius."" " Why?" "Because I solved your problem." "I know how you can go with Missy without eating her." " You do?" " Mm-hmm." "My plan is so perfect, so simple." " What is it?" "Yes!" " You ready?" "Eat Buck." " Are you crazy?" " Let's look at this logically." "Your biggest fear is that if you go the prom with Missy, you might end up eating her." "Not if you're already full." "Eddie, come on." "If you eat Buck, Missy's gonna need a date to the prom." "You'll be full, and you'll live longer." " Would you be serious?" " I am serious." "I'm very, very serious." "Johnny, you're already going to Hell for all eternity, so... what do you care?" " God, I hate that guy." " Eat him." "Eat him quick." "Put on his tux and then honk the horn." "Missy will come out... you two will go the prom together, Missy's parents will think she's goin' with Buck." "It couldn't be more perfect." "Let's jump him on three." "It's brilliant." "One... two..." " three!" " No, I can't." "Hi." "For you." "I have to go now." "I can't trust myself to be around people anymore." " Look, I don't care if you're a" " No, this is it." "I won't ever see you again." "You know that, right?" "Yes." " You're the worst friend I've ever had." " You too." "Just don't forget me, Eddie..." "after I'm gone, please?" " Just don't forget me." " I won't." "I have wonderful news." "Ask me what?" " Would you come on already?" " I'm saving your life." "Hop in." "We're going to my lab." " Go get Missy." " Okay." "Oh, it looks so cool." "I guess you'd rather be herewith the dead kid." "His name is Johnny." "If you like him so much, then why didn't you go with him?" "I did wanna go with him." "He just didn't wanna go with me." "Are you telling me that you got dumped by the dead kid?" "Missy, wait!" " What do you want, dick-weed?" " I need to talk to you about Johnny." " Johnny doesn't wanna be with me." " Of course he does." "He was just afraid that if he was with you, he might end up eating you." "You have two seconds to get out of my face, ass-wipe." "Then, I'll rip your spine up through your mouth." "Oh." "Oh." " Wow!" " Wow." "Where's Johnny?" "Getting saved." "What Missy and Eddie didn't know was that... across town at that very moment..." "Dr. Bronson was hitting a level of weirdness I had never dreamed possible." " Why are you strapping me down?" " Standard operating procedure." "Will it be painful?" "Well, define "pain."" " Oh, god." " To save you..." "I'm gonna have to borrow like a few cells from your body." " How many?" " Oh, just a few." "Maybe 40 pounds." "40 pounds!" "Are you crazy?" "I can't spare 40 pounds of flesh!" " All right, 30." " No, not 30, not 20" " Don't be such a baby!" " Well, you kick in 40 pounds of flesh." "Johnny, I'm not the dead guy." "Don't you think you're being a little irrational?" "Would you explain how cutting 40 pounds off me..." " is gonna save my life?" " It's not." " It's not?" " No." " Then how does it help me?" " It doesn't." " It doesn't?" " I may not have found a way to save you... but I have discovered a way to use your remarkable flesh... to create a serum... to rejuvenate old skin to make people feel younger and look younger." "Cosmetic surgery without the surgery." "Th-That's" " That's how I'm gonna market it." "You're gonna cut me up and make me into soup so you can give peopleyounger-looking skin?" "It sucks for you, huh?" " Let me go, you son-of-a-bitch!" " Hey, hey, hey, hey!" "This will be a lot easier if you just... relax." "No!" "Oh, no." "Oh, oh!" "Here we go now." "Now, just-just, okay." "Here we go." "No!" "Okay." "Oh!" "Just a minute, a minute.Just a minute." "What do you want?" " We want the zombie!" " Yeah!" "Well, there's no zombie here." " We think he went in there!" " Well, you're a very confused man." " We saw him." " Now, go home." "Good night." " What's going on out there?" " There's a mob that wants to kill you." " But don't worry, I need to kill you more." " Oh, great." "Oh, unfortunately we don't have time for an anesthetic." " What?" " All right, all right, okay." " No!" "No!" " Uh, uh." "Uh, oh!" "Just, just don't move." "One... two... three... ram!" "Uh-oh." "You stay right there." "God, Johnny, what's going on?" "You okay?" "Three... ram!" "Aaa-aaah!" " Where is he?" " Where is who?" " The zombie!" " What zombie?" "The only damn zombie running through town, you idiot!" "Can you describe this zombie?" "Stop that zombie!" "Is he here?" " Let's find him!" " We saw him come in here." "Aha!" "Where is he?" "I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about." " Your friend, the zombie." " We're just here to get our flu shots." " Down here." " Get him!" "Come on, let's find him!" " He's around here somewhere." " Save a few chunks for me!" " Where is he?" " What?" " Where'd the zombie go?" " Over here!" "Down there!" "Johnny, run!" "Oh." "There he is!" "Oh." " Which way?" " He went that way." "Murray!" "Murray!" " Hurry, open the gates!" " Johnny." "Hi, Johnny." "Murray, open the gate." " Hurry up!" " What is it?" "What?" "What?" "Oh, dear." "Oh." "Well, I warned you." "You wouldn't listen." "Hurry." "We're closed." "Run, Johnny, run!" "Whoa!" "Oh!" "Huh?" "Now, I've got you, Johnny Dingle." "It's barbecue time." " Light up the zombie." " Stop!" " You leave him alone!" " Get up, little girl." " Get off of me!" " Get your hands off her." "Honey... let the zombie go and I'll buy you a pretty new dress." "No, Daddy." "This way, Marge." "This way." "Son?" "Son, frankly I don't care who thinks ill of us." "Just..." "get the hell away... from our son." "Well, Sheriff... do something." "Okay." "Light up the zombie." "No!" "Daddy!" "You can't." "He died for me." "He came back from the dead for me." "He ate someone for me." "Everything that happened to him happened because he loved me." "Sheriff?" "Sheriff?" "Uh... would you have died for her?" "Of course." "Would have come back from the dead for her?" "I don't know." "Could you have eaten someone to be with her?" "No." "No." "Could any of you?" " Huh?" "Huh?" " No." "I rest my case." "Well, he won't die by my hand." "Then he'll die by ours." "Who votes we kill 'em?" "Well, I hope somebody eats the whole damn bunch of you." "Fatheads." "If my daughter desires a dance with this fine young man... then by God they're gonna dance." "So there I was getting a police escort to the prom with Missy." "It was the best moment of my entire life." "I was also pretty sure it was gonna be the last... but right then, that didn't matter." "What mattered was I was gonna have the dance" "I'd been waiting for since the first grade." "That much I was sure of." "But still, nothing could've prepared me for what was about to happen." "We finally got our dance, sweetie." "Johnny, no." "Please don't go." "I..." "love you." "I love you too." "Ah, there you are." " You." " What?" "What?" "We've been waiting!" " For me?" " Of course for you... you dumb sloat." "You see anyone else who was supposed to be here four days ago?" "Hey, look, I'm, uh" "I'm really sorry." "I-I didn't know anybody was waiting." "When you die, you are supposed to come directly here... where we pass judgment... andsendyou to Heaven or Hell." "You are not supposed to climb out of the grave, muck around on Earth waiting to die... a second time!" "I-I-I didn't plan that, it just happened." "Sorry about all the yelling." "Here's the situation:" "There's been a little mistake." "What kind of mistake?" "The fact is... you weren't actually supposed to die in the convenience store." " What?" " No, no, just calm down." "It's all here." "May 28th, 8:33 p.m.:" "Robber enters convenience store, threatens" "Missy McCloud." "She attempts to stop robbery." "Robber turns to shoot her, in doing so knocks over a pot of coffee with his elbow." " Wait a minute!" " Mm-hmm?" "He was supposed to slip on coffee?" "Supposed to, but... didn't." "It doesn't happen very often but somewhere someone screwed up and the result is... a sad, tragic mistake." "The result is I'm dead!" "Whenever we..." "make a mistake... we try to rectify it by giving the person a second chance on life;" "a chance to prove their worth." "That accounts for the existence of the occasional zombie." "What they do when back... from the dead determines what we do with them in the afterlife." "Hey, look." "I wanna talk to you about Chuck." "He was practically dead before I ate him." "I'm sorry." "It's time you were on your way." " On my way to where?" " To where you belong, Johnny Dingle." "To where you belong." "Next." " Hi, Johnny." " Hey." "All right, gimme all your money or I'll blow your damn brains out." "Don't worry." "Everything will be okay." "Let's go!" "Let's go!" "Look out!" "Johnny!" "Now he knocks over the coffee." "Oh, god, Johnny." "Ever since the first grade I've been desperately in love with you." "You're the kindest, smartest, most beautiful girl I've ever known." "And after I'm gone..." "I just want you to know that you meant more to me... than life itself." "I love you, Missy." "You're not shot." "What?" "The bullet hit this thing you were wearing." "You tried to sacrifice your life for me." "You'd have done the same for me." "Trust me..." "I know." "Would you like to go to the prom with me?" "And that's it." "That's the whole story." "I know it seems pretty preposterous but it happened just that way." "IfI had to do it all over again and I could do it differently... nothing." "Well, I take that back." "That's not entirely true." "I think I would have eaten Buck."