"SUPLEMENT" "Starring" "Written by" "Costumes" "Music" "Director of photography" "Written and directed by" "Excuse me, what happened?" "Nothing, I'm afraid." "I knocked over some boards." "I apologize for the noise." "You're leaving?" "I think so." "Tomorrow, I expect." "God be with you." " I hope you'll be back." " I don't know." "Maybe." "If I do return... it'll be for good." "You're sorry I'm back." "You'd find my room handy." " What drivel." " Admit it." "Better a brother in a monastery than at home." "Naturally." "Who'd pray for us otherwise?" "Pure gain." "Where's the gain?" "Here or in heaven?" "Down here and up there." "And if you were made a saint..." "I'll do my best, I promise." "Has any doctor been made a saint?" "All professions are represented, I think." " Any letters for me?" " There was something." "You didn't want mail forwarded." "It wasn't important." "Anything from college?" "No." "Is that good or bad?" "I don't know." "Good, I suppose." "Talk to me." "What about?" "I'd rather be silent." "I'd rather know what's happening to you." "Nothing good." "You had doubts?" "Not about God." "About myself." "That's not good either." "Some girl rang you." " What girl?" " You've so many?" " Hanka?" " The movie costume one." "They're looking for extras." "If you're interested, she left a number." " What about you?" " I've a competition soon." "What is it?" "Nothing." "Don't, you can see it's too tight." "I can't take it in!" "Literally or metaphorically?" "Both." "It's really tight." "When did you arrive?" "It doesn't matter." "Yesterday." "I sent you a telegram." " You haven't been expelled?" " No." "Is it important?" "Why ask me?" "Depends what matters to you." "Well, what do you think?" "What about?" "Us." "What else?" "Have you made a decision?" "Not yet." "And when will you?" "Don't say you don't know, it's so tedious." "Don't just stand there." "Pick something that fits." "You've been in a fight?" "Who did it?" "My greatest enemy." "Away from the horse, everyone." "Call the doctor." "And an ambulance." " Let me through." " No, you're not allowed..." "Where was the impact?" "I felt something shatter here." "Scissors or a knife, anyone?" "Just a moment." "Does it hurt?" "I'll be careful." "If they take you to hospital, please leave your costume." "Please keep out of the way, everyone." "What are you doing?" "It's a natural bandage." "I asked her to cut it." "You shouldn't interfere." "I'm a medical student." "That makes it worse." "Think first and act later." "Not the other way round." "True, it's hardly bleeding." "Cut through the trousers." "We'll take them off." "Can't you wait?" "The extras have their turn later." "I haven't come to eat." "I want to explain." "About the trousers?" "I agreed with you, so what's there to explain?" " Nothing, actually." " Something worrying you?" "Sit down." "Difficulties with yourself?" "Is that so rare?" "Everyone has problems." "I told you I was studying medicine." "I wanted to question you, as a doctor..." "Question me about what?" "As a student, did you find it..." "difficult to be on such close everyday terms with death?" "In the dissecting-room?" "No." "Not only." "A doctor's role is to be always present at the deaths of others." "I don't think I could cope with it." "It's too great a burden." "Perhaps I'm too thin-skinned." "I could never talk about it at medical school, that's why I thought I'd ask you." "I'm sure you're over-sensitive." "Maybe that led you to this film;" "it touches on the subject." "No, I don't even know what the film is about." "Nor do I." "I need the money." "A friend in the business got me the job." "So this is where you hid from me." "Not from you." "Anything wrong?" "Nobody was supposed to leave the set in their costumes." "But you sent off that stuntman in the ambulance." "It was the last day of shooting." "The costumes must go back." "Where do I find him now?" "I can't simply write off a leather jacket." "Ask me nicely and I'll find out where they took him." "Please!" "Is that all?" "One good turn deserves another." "Without warning?" "Life's short, does it bother you?" "It would bother someone else." "I have a boyfriend." "But there are complications." "How do you know?" "I'm old enough." "Is it serious?" "Very serious." "That's why I'm scared things won't work out." " Must they work out?" " We'd like them to." "How did you know?" "I sense it." "There are many things I'd like to ask you about." "Call me in Warsaw." "I will." "Why so impatient?" "Wait for me." "I'm impatient?" "Carry on." "You're showing off." "Mind the rope" "What's bugging you, Filip?" "You won't talk to me." "What about?" "About you... what's the trouble?" "Nothing." "Nothing?" "You torment yourself, it's obvious." " Get off my back!" " Something's wrong." "I hadn't noticed." "Now we can talk." "What are you doing?" " Let me down." " Relax." "I spoke to your girlfriend." "You're hiding something." "I don't interfere in your affairs." "Because there's no need." "The poor girl doesn't know where she stands." "Let me down." "I want to help you." "When I need help, I'll ask." " You need it now." " But I'm not asking you." "I went too far." "I meant well." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry too." "I'm at my wits' end." "You can see for yourself." "You recognize me?" "Are you being coy, or do you think I suffer from senile dementia?" "Not only the old suffer from that." "But it's not one of my complaints." " Why are you standing there?" " Nobody's asked me in." "I came to tell you about a job." "Some guys shooting a music video need a doctor." "Care to earn some money?" "Small sums no longer interest me." "You won't come?" "I will." "To see you." "They've their own costumes, I'm afraid." "Pity." "Ditched your boyfriend yet?" "Is that what one does?" "Ditch them?" "Sooner or later." "I'd rather it was later." "You only say that because it happened to you once." "No, I'm simply old enough to know that nothing is permanent." "What about love?" "The least permanent of all." "I don't believe you, although you're older." "You're wrong, you'll see." "Wait awhile and I'll convince you." "I haven't so long to wait." "You're still with the same boyfriend?" "I see, I've a new one every week?" "Every fortnight, maybe." "What a long time!" "Actually nothing's happened yet." "Isn't that what you wanted to know?" "You don't love each other?" "We don't know." "But you sleep together, surely?" "You're too curious." "But I'll tell you... not yet." "I know, who can understand young people today?" "Here are the details about that music video." "If I've other news, should I drop by?" "I'd prefer it to that machine." "Drop by." "With or without news." "You mean it?" "I attacked my brother." "I don't know why." "I've never been so full of agression." "He'd done nothing to deserve it." "Now I feel..." "I know he took my parents' place but I feel he can't help me." " I'm looking for my place in life." " What kind of place?" "I want to find a way of life... that will allow me to be whole, and not to squander my talents." "Love, you'll say, Father." "I feel it but I don't know how to express it." "Love doesn't shape my life because I can't surrender to it." "I'm scared of being a nonentity, mediocre, like everyone else." "That's pride..." "I know I hurt all those who love me." "There's a girl, I think she loves me." "I don't want to lose her." "Although..." "I believe I have a vocation." "At the monastery I was told to wait, to listen to my inner voice." "Maybe it's a means of escape, not a vocation?" "Stop!" "Whose brainchild was that?" "He's acting oddly, is he stoned?" "Can't exist without dope." "He takes stuff regularly?" "With scientific precision." "What do you mean?" "He reads, experiments, tries various mixes, looks at films, videos..." " Has he seen that?" " Of course." "Can I borrow it?" "It's an old film." "Never mind." " Thanks." " You're welcome." "I'll let you have it back in two days." "That's enough." "Enough, I said." "Playback." "Keep him quiet." "Gimme a pain killer!" "You're stoned as it is." "The needle!" "In a hurry to croak?" "Good thing he didn't do it." "You saw how much he'd taken." "I wouldn't have risked it either." "Small doses are less risky?" "I see you're interested." "Can you tell?" "Return the video to this address." "To make a diagnosis, spinal fluid taken from the patient... is injected into a spider." "The injected fluid appears to cause irregularities in the spider's web." "The German researcher, Peter Witt, believes specific irregularities occur when the patient suffers from schizophrenia." "Paranoid Schizophrenia" "Working or amusing yourself." " Am I disturbing you?" " No." "I'm afraid." "Will you have to give people electric shocks?" "It's not done any longer." "Thank God." "There are chemical alternatives." "It comes to the same thing." "Does it help?" "I suppose so." "How is it possible for human beings to suffer so much?" "Must you understand?" "Were you promised that?" "I wasn't." "And you accept that." "You work with the disabled and don't question their fate?" "You accept it." "Sometimes." "Maybe it's you who should join a monastery." "No, I'm too fond of certain things." " What things?" " Making love to my wife." "We're about to do that." "Good luck." "Why do you say that?" "To make me envy you?" "Yes, because you don't like yourself, your body... and that's foolish." "I wouldn't talk like this if you were about to take your vows." "But since you're not, think how much you're losing." "What am I losing?" "What are you talking about?" "Renouncing pleasure means loss?" "You're driven by pride." "You equate the search for perfection with pride?" "In your case, yes." "What gives you the right to say that?" "What have you done for others, for Hanka?" "You think praying is enough." "So-called mystical experiences originate in the brain's limbic system." "Such states are regulated by what are known as neurotransmittors." "LSD for example." "Well?" "I don't know." "I haven't tried LSD." "And I can't attain such states through prayer." "A total flop." "It isn't a joke." "Don't take it to heart." "Doesn't it make you wonder?" "Not particularly." "All sensations have their physiological basis." "So why not contact with God?" "I'm not surprised you can induce illusions with drugs." "How do you know they are illusions?" "I suppose they are." "Can we watch the rest?" "That's all there is." "Go to the dean if you want more time off." "It has nothing to do with your professor." "But if you had a word with him, he'd have a word with the dean..." "Can't you settle it without all these 'words '?" "I've had special leave before." "Why do you need all this time off?" "I can't make up my mind." "I haven't found my vocation." "You're sure you have a vocation?" "Surely everyone has a vocation." "You're religious, I believe." "Well, yes." "Then you have ready solutions." "Of course not!" "It poses problems." "You must explain that to me." "If you don't believe in God you're responsible only to yourself." "I feel I'm responsible to somebody." "I don't know if He has called me to serve Him exclusively... or in everyday life, as a doctor, like you." "Exclusively means as a priest?" "Yes." "I want to test myself and spend a year in a monastery." "I went to see the brother who acted as consultant for that film." "He sends his regards and says he's ready to come any time." "It was he who told you to take leave?" "No." "But since I'm not sure, I don't want to burn my bridges." "At present I don't know anything." "I'm not religious but I know a certain precept:" "'Thy will be done'" "If you believe in Him, trust Him." "If you're granted leave, it means that is His will." "Incredible." "You say you don't believe and yet you understand." "There's a difference between 'belief and 'understanding'," "Your patient." "He's better." "No." "Not ill yet." "If that's what you want, go ahead." "A year, if you like." "Tell me if I'm to wait." "Because if you set me free I can arrange my life." "It's not blackmail, I'm just asking." "I don't want to stand in your way." "If you're really going to be saintly, I don't want to spoil anything." "It's good of you to take it like that." "I can't tie you down." "For my own good?" "A chance to find someone else?" "How generous of you!" "To love someone means to care for the other's wellbeing." "How do you know what's good for me?" "Maybe I should take the veil, Like Clare of Assisi?" " If you have a vocation..." " You've found yours at last?" "You only hesitate, like Hamlet." "Maybe you don't know what you want?" "Maybe life scares you?" "Or maybe you're scared of women, while I think you so holy..." "Or do you really you prefer boys?" "And are simply running away?" "Hanka, what's up?" "It's nothing." "We'll take the other camera." "I'm sorry." "So am I." "I'd no right to say that." "I'm in turmoil too, I'm sorry." "I don't want to complicate your life, believe me." "I'll cope." "But I don't want you to be a victim... of my heart-searching." "Fine." "Go and comune with yourself." " What about leave?" " I haven't heard." "Dr Berg promised to help." "It won't be a problem." "No problem." "Yes, there is." "I still haven't found the voice that will tell me what to do." " I'm to tell you?" " No." "I mean the inner voice that something else persists in drowning." " I do, you mean?" " It's not your fault." "I myself complicate and spoil everything." "Not for long, I hope." "How long is 'not for long'?" " I'll know when I've seen the dean." " When will that be?" "There's a congress on now." "Later." "The dean is to decide our fate?" "What dean?" "Who then?" "He on whom all being depends." "God?" "He gave us free will." "I want to act in accordance with His will." "Then find out what He wants." "The second bathroom..." "Why did you..." "I'm sorry, I slipped." "Why did you come here alone?" "Bath-time was earlier." "There's nobody here now." "There never is." "All nurses are busy." "I'll manage." "It was the first time." "I want to have a bath, please help me." "I saw you on television." "Did you hear me as well?" "It was a repeat of last year's concert." "They don't usually broadcast serious music, let alone something modern." "My mother's here mostly." "She spends hours in hospital." "But being so dependent, even on my mother, is beginning to be irksome." "I lost my mother long ago." "Maybe this will surprise you, but I envy you." "Shall we stop being so formal?" "When you're alone, you're only responsible for yourself." "My mother has noone but me." "What will she do when I die?" "Why do you say, die?" "You're receiving treatment." "You ought to go on hoping." "I 'ought to' but I needn't." "I know the diagnosis." "It's my turn." "The end is near." "Do you believe in God?" "No, I never have." "I prefer it that way." "I believe there's nothing on the other side, so there's nothing to be afraid of." "You're religious?" "Yes." "If you believed there was someone who loves you, who is love, you would feel better." "Mother's love oppresses me." "I suffer and so does she." "Would I really feel better?" "Perhaps, but what of it?" "Is it true?" "Is faith therapy or truth?" "Truth." "You want to try?" "Not yet." "But who knows?" " Filip enjoyed it." " Shall I pull you up?" "Pull up yourself." "There you are." "You're not serious but I am." "What am I to do about Filip?" "Rather what can Filip do about himself?" "He sets his sights too high." "Wants to do more than he can." "But it's not a bad thing to want to live your life to the max." "That's the real issue." "He wants to do more in life than chase money in the rat-race." "It's for that I love him." "I wish you both well." "Him above all as he's my brother." "And you too, because he loves you." "But I believe he might struggle like this for many years." "He could ruin your life." "Have you enough time to wait for him?" "And enough strength?" "You think I should look for a life of my own?" "You won't drag him to the altar by force." "Especially as you'll be struggling against the Almighty." "Is your belief as firm as his?" "It's different." "No man's belief is quite like another's." "He doesn't want us to live together without being married." "I know he'll be opposed to contraception... and insist on natural methods." "He won't." "Because we won't get married." "Your advice was good." "I advised you?" "No, it simply became clear to me." "If he disappears again to search for his vocation, he doesn't need me." "Have you spoken to the professor?" "Yes, but about myself." "My request hasn't even been filed." "Is that a sign I'm to stay?" "A sign from whom?" "From God." "It looks as if he doesn't want me in his exclusive service." "No reason why you can't enter a monastery as a doctor." "No, either doctor or priest." "I must settle it." "Are you leaving?" "You could call it that." "I'll help you to the car." "I must call at the morgue." "There are two patients whom I assisted in departing from this world." "You're joking." "No." "You made a mistake?" "The mistake was made when the Lord created us." "According to the Bible, God created man to be immortal." "Adam sinned and that's why he died." "If I got hold of that Adam..." "Do you believe in the resurrection of the body?" "If you do, don't worry." "The soul's already far away." " Too loudly?" " A little." "What are you listening to?" "Is this a wake?" "That's right." "I like the music." "Yes." "Have you ever wondered why we're alive while others aren't?" "You think it's unjust?" "Maybe the dead are better off?" "What about your disabled patients, condemned to vegetate?" "They're not condemned." "Rot, they live like vegetables." " You know how vegetables live?" " I do." "Maybe they aren't unhappy?" "My head's swimming." "Go to bed." "And blow out the candles or you'll start a fire." "Why do you say that?" "I'm to knock my head against a wall too?" "I'd like to try." " Never experimented?" " No." "Begin with grass." "No." "Give me something that'll help me... to reach a state I can't attain otherwise." "LSD?" "There's better stuff now." "I want to try." "Can you afford it?" "What?" "Oh, you mean money?" "How much?" "A lot." "But for you, the first time's for free." "You're taking a big risk." "One can become addicted after the first time." "The affinity of certain proteins in the brain... you learnt the stuff." "I did." "You'll not be the same man." "I don't want to be the same man!" "What desperation!" " Well, you want it?" " I do." "'Please' would sound nicer." "Please." "In the cupboard, you know what." "Do I swallow it?" "What now?" "Nothing." "Wait." "Sometimes it takes several hours." "You need the light?" "I was on night duty, I'd like to sleep." "I'll cover my head." "I'll turn it off if you like." "In any case, I'm going out." " It doesn't bother me." " I must check something." " At work?" " No." "Go back to sleep." "You don't remember?" "Some vague images." "No revelation?" "No." "You don't remember taking off, flying like a bird?" "What flying?" "Come and see, we have it on tape." "Don't worry, it was the first time." "It's a question of trial and error." "The error's been committed." "I'm beginning to fear myself." "Your ID." "Where are you registered?" "In Warsaw?" "This place is not for you." "Go home or get dried out." "I've no home and I'm not drunk." "Can't you see I've reached rock bottom?" "Find yourself a free bunk." "He's gone away?" "I don't know." "Something at college." "I'm worried." "Did he talk to you?" "No." "We split up." "I'm sorry." "For him or for me?" "For both of you." "You enjoy your work." "I envy you." "I'm tired of television, commercials, costumes." "I'd rather do something meaningful." " Why don't you then?" " I don't know." "I thought I'd make some money, but it's ridiculous." "I've no time." "What would you like to do?" "Something like your job." "Well, try." "I did." "I worked in a hospice." "But they don't pay you." "Here they hardly pay either." "I earn extra at the climbing wall." "You see?" "My idea was to put by some money and go back to voluntary work." "Better not put by anything." "Money or plans." "If you want to live, live today." "If it needs doing, do it for love." "Otherwise it's no good." "I'm sorry I didn't meet you earlier." "And even sorrier I met your brother." "His life is no life at all." "He puts everything off." "Did you tell him that?" "Yes, not firmly enough, I expect, because I lost." "You think so?" "No, I know it." "I can't pray." "I'm only mouthing the words." "What can I do?" "Maybe you should consult a psychiatrist." "It's my soul that's in trouble, not my psyche." "I'm losing my soul." "A human being has a soul." "Only the animal is left in me." "God has deserted me." "God never deserts anyone;" "it's we who desert Him." "Could I stay overnight?" "I didn't sleep at all last night." "I don't want to force my way back." "May I ask where you're going?" "You may but I shan't tell you." "But someone knows?" "Nobody knows." "I'll be anxious." "Rightly so." "I'm anxious too." "But all is in God's hands and He wants what is best for me." "Provided you don't oppose His will." "I expect you can stay one night." "I'll ask for permission." "Are you studying?" "Externally." "Then you have to pay." "Will the diploma be any use?" "No." "Is it worth it then?" " You here alone?" " Another girl's on night-shift." "You want to make love?" "Why not?" "Then let's." "Got anything to put on?" " No." " In the bathroom." "On the washbasin." " What's up?" " I'm sorry." "Trying to make a fool of me?" "I'm sorry, I know it wasn't right." "Are you some nutcase?" " It was you who asked." " I'm sorry." "Look, something wrong with me?" "No, of course not." "Filip!" "How did you know?" "Don't you remember?" "I brought you here once." "You said it was magical." "Those are places one goes back to." " Have you seen Hanka?" " Yes." "Well?" "You'll have to search for her as she searched for you." "Where?" "Everywhere, at college, in hospital." "Your doctor friend is very sick." "Visit him as soon as you get back." "He's in his own ward?" "You'd be there too after a night out in this cold." "If you survived." "I know." "Did you think of others?" "Who?" "Me, Hanka..." "I expect I would have." "When?" "In hell?" "What else could you expect?" "Who are they for?" "Who are the flowers for?" "For you." "A proposal?" "An apology?" "The former." "Too late." "Past the expiry date." "You're married?" "Almost." "There's someone else." "I don't believe you." "If you've no faith, that's your problem." "I followed your advice." "Hey, presto?" "No need for it to drag out as it did with you." "It can be simple." "No, it can't." " Yes, it can." " I don't believe you." "Why not?" "Because I know you." "You do?" "You don't know yourself." "Wishful thinking." "It's easy to spoil, harder to create." "Things are spoiled quickly." "I expect your mother told you that." "I hardly remember her." "I know." "Trying to play it for pity?" "We've been there." "I know, everything's been." "We must make a fresh start." " From zero." " I don't want to." "Not true, that well I do know you." "Let's give ourselves one more chance." "Each to himself?" "Or each to the other?" "Before you give me that chance..." "I made a mistake, I want to tell you about it." "No, confess to someone else." "I've had a taste of hell, these last few days." "I saw that what mattered above all was our ordinary daily life." "Nowhere to sleep again?" "Been promoted?" "Today I'm in charge." "Want to spend the night?" "Not today." "You need anyone to help here with bandaging, injections etc.?" "I'm a medical student." "I could help out once a week." "Twice, even." "Talk to the warden." "You need anyone like that?" "I suppose so." "So far I've been doing it." "We could take turns." "I'm leaving." " For good?" " We'll see." "Don't tell anyone, only the warden knows because he's a priest." "I'm going to join the Order of St. John." "I'll do nursing and catch up with the schooling I missed." "They promised to help." "Talk to the warden." "You can take my place." "As you'll take mine?" "Where?" "In a monastery." "I don't understand." "What's there to understand?" "Our heads can't take in everything." "But it's all right." "I rang to ask for Father Marek." "He's away." "They don't know where." "They could have found out." "He might have come to Warsaw." "He knows I'm here, so maybe he came." "Perhaps he didn't want to wake me." "He belongs to the Cracow diocese, so he'd have no business here." "He might have been invited to the premiere of that film." "They're keen to have the support of the Church." " When was the premiere?" " Yesterday, I read about it." "Will you go and see it?" "Yes." "You want us to tell you about the scenes shot in France?" "Not necessarily." "What about you?" "Nothing." "What do you mean, nothing?" "I wonder... if you could water the flowers in my apartment?" "You can keep the keys." "When the place is sold they'll change the lock." "Make use of it while you can." "Pass me my briefcase." "Better go now." "Go on." "Say something." "What for?" "It's better without words." "With you it's not better at all." "We have the keys." "What of it?" "You want me to say, I love you?" "Some time it should be said" " I'll say it." " When" "Today." "Then say it now." "It'll sound foolish." "Never mind." "Stop it, I didn't hear you." "Shall we go for a swim?" "In a moment." "First he has something important to say." " I didn't hear, once more." " No, I said it." "What do you want?" "What now?" "Maybe I'll not be back tonight." "I won't have to climb any mountains?" "No." "No?" "I said no!" "Are you alive?" "Have you had bad news?" "No, there's no change." "I was so frightened." "Is this our wedding?" "Almost." "Yes, our marriage vows, made to ourselves." "Come on, 'I Filip, take you, Hanka... '" " What about confession?" " Have we done wrong?" "In theory, we have." "And in practice?" "You've given us an important gift." "Really?" "You're serious?" "Never anything else." "Then I don't suppose..." "I shall sell the apartment." "I've written a letter." "You can go on staying there." "Sell my car..." "It'll cover the tax." "Because it's a gift." "But you must live somewhere." "No." "Where I'm going a square metre is quite enough." "I've made up my mind." "There's absolutely no problem." "But you're feeling better." "I must tell you what happened... when Chekhov died in Germany." "He asked for a glass of champagne, drank it" "and said Ich sterbe." "Because this was Germany." "Then he turned to the wall and died." "Forgive me if I'm impertinent, but I believe this matters... and so it's my duty to ask you." "Perhaps you wish to be reconciled to God and confess?" "I am reconciled." "Should I call someone?" "My confessor was here." "Was I awake or dreaming?" "But he came." "What's the difference, since these dreams are sent by God?" "My dear young friends," "Now I say:" "Ich sterbe." "Dr Berg, a valued colleague, bequeathed his body to science." "Let me remind you of the proper respect due to his mortal remains." "We can start." "Who'll volunteer to make the first cut?"