"Hi." "Sorry, the lights... hold on." "Okay." "That's better." "Hi." "So I'll have copies of the zine after the reading." "If you want to buy one, it's $8." "But, like, if you don't think it's worth $8," "I'll probably just give you one for free." "I wrote this about the summer" "I sold weed through an online classifieds site." "Oh, but I hate weed, though." "It makes me, like, very uncomfortable and paranoid and sort of fatalistic, I guess, but every once in a while, you know, someone will get me to smoke, and every time they do, I think, like," ""Oh, this is the time I'm gonna like smoking weed."" "But then I do, and I don't like it at all." "It's the worst always." "But I just couldn't remember if I put that fact into the story, so I wanted to, you know, tell you now up front, I guess." "Okay, I'm wasting time, so I'm gonna start reading now." "Here it goes." "Last summer, I was working for a consultant in Midtown mostly filling out organizational charts and filing things and stuff." "It was an objectively crappy job, but my parents were really proud of me because I had gotten a job." "I was listening to Toro y Moi a lot, and he has that line where he says, "I got a job I do it fine." "Not what I want,... but still I try."" "That totally captured how I felt." "On the weekends, me and friends mostly went biking and took hallucinogens and benzodiazepines." "We also went to some parties, and one night, I met a girl at one of those parties." "Meeting girls isn't easy for me unless they come up to me, in which case I have no choice but to meet them, and that was how I met Kate." "Eliza!" "Hey." "I have something for you." " Really?" " Yeah." "What is it?" "It's a weird muscle relaxant." "I got it at the airport in Mexico." "Are you happy?" "Very." "Thanks." "Ooh, it tastes good." " Hi." " Hi." "What makes you qualified to change the playlist?" "What kind of qualifications did the last guy have?" "This really isn't about the last guy, and who says it was a guy?" "Okay, well..." "I write a music blog, published on a popular music reviews website." "I can send you my resume if you prefer." "It lists all of my tangible qualifications." "Maybe if you give me your email address or, you know, your phone number." "Whatever works for you re:" "contact information is fine for me... just, you know, that I'd have it." "So do you want to dance?" "Oh, yeah, no." "I don't really dance, per se." "Like, you can't or, like, you won't?" "I never know how into it I'm supposed to get, you know, and sometimes I get too into it, and then I end up making that intense dance face where I sort of, like, bite my lip," "and I... you know, just like..." "You know, I'm sort of, like, angry Bill Clinton." "It's not good." "And then the other option is that, you know," "I'm not into it enough, and I hold back." "Then I think everyone around is probably thinking, like, "Oh, that kid thinks he's too cool to dance," you know?" "I'm pretty sure no one would ever think that about you." "Okay, well, thank you." "I think that probably means it's about time for me to stop talking, because I've said enough..." "No, you were doing fine." " Wow." " Adequate even." "Oh, my God." "But I actually really like this song, so, like, are you ready to dance?" " Oh..." " Let's do it." "Okay." "Okay." "I can't do this." "Okay." "Yeah, no, there was a certain too-good-to-be-true element about this whole thing anyway." "Why can't you?" " I have a boyfriend." " Okay." "But honestly I swear to God, it did not feel like cheating until, like, just a moment ago." "Like, I think when you touched my boob, that's sort of when I sort of drew the line." " Sure, sure." " He doesn't live here." "He goes to school in Virginia, so we have sort of unconventional rules to sort of deal with that." "Mm-hmm, and your unconventional rules include a boob clause." "Yes, yes." "Good, good." "I guess that's... yeah." "Now, I'm just spit-balling here." "Okay." "But do you want to just fool around with me now and then, like, marry him after college or something?" "No, not..." "Okay, I didn't think so, but I thought I would offer it anyway." "All right, well, in that case, should I call you a cab or something?" "Well, can I sleep here?" "Oh." "Would we have to sleep head to toe or something?" "Not unless you really wanted to, and we could, but I don't see why we have to." " Great." " It's not in the rule book." "Oh, it's not." "There's not a section for..." "No, as long as you don't, like... with your hands on my boobs." "We can sleep however we want as long as I'm not touching your breasts." "Great, that sounds good." "I'm gonna go brush my teeth and take some sort of uncomfortably cold shower." "Let's do this, classic song." "Here we go." "Mike brought me to a party that I don't think" "I don't want to be at anymore, so I was wondering if you'd want to come over." "We could listen to music, or we could just, you know, like, talk to each other or something." "Okay, um, that sounds great." "Okay, awesome." "See you later." "Bye." "Awesome." "Hi, ma." "David, so tell your mama." "Are you dating?" "Seeing any girls?" " Ma, please." " Adult to adult." "You know I feel weird talking to you about that kind of stuff." "Could we just talk about it later?" " Later." " Yeah, you know." "Like later in our lives later." "Everything's fine, re:" "girls and me, but I just, you know," "I feel weird talking about it with you, so..." "That's what you always say to me: "Everything fine, mommy." "Not now, later."" "So I say to myself, "Don't lose hope." "Your boy is going to grow up and become an adult."" "But I also think I'm not, like, exactly an adult yet in that, you know, I'm only 22, so I feel like I have some time to get there." "When your father was 22, he was already done with the Army." "He was already a man." "And I say... this is really good." "Oh, that's good." "Are you sure her actually living with us is, like, such a smart idea?" "You mean, like, for the relationship or, like, for my creature comforts?" "Relationship." "Honestly it's not ideal, but I think the alternative, which is her living upstate and commuting is maybe worse for the relationship, you know?" "Like, right now, we're just in that new relationship sweet spot where we don't secretly loathe each other yet, so I think it could be fun for us." "But I don't want it to be annoying for you, you know?" " Yeah." " Can I speak candidly?" "Do you have to?" "I feel like I know what you're gonna say." "You're gonna say you don't like it..." "I don't like it, because you barely know her, and if she starts acting weird, you have nowhere to go." "And why does she have to move in so soon?" "Whoa, nobody said move in." "She's not moving in." "She's staying here." "It's a totally different thing." "Semantics, David, okay?" "After what, after seeing each other for, like, a month?" "What, is she the hipster grifter?" "The... really?" "The hipster grifter?" "Dude, you've met her." "You know she's totally normal." "And also she's crazy hot, and she wants to stay in my room, which defies all logic." "So basically there's nothing you can say short of proving she's some sort of neo-Nazi fembot that would, you know, make me think this wasn't a good idea, you know, and even then, I'd probably still go through with it." "Can I show her the mule?" "Yeah, sure, from time to time." " Really?" " No, go fuck yourself." "David, can I speak to you?" "Sure." "What's up?" "In the conference room." "Sure." "You know you're not the only one, right?" "Yeah, I guess." "You have your company phone?" "Slide it down, please." "Do I get some sort of severance?" "You'll have to talk to HR about that." "And when do I need to, like, be out by?" "You clear out your desk by the end of today." "Oh, and could you just tell the front desk that if my morn calls to just, you know, tell her that I stepped out to lunch or something?" "Just for today?" "No, I mean, probably for, like, six months or so until I get a new job." "I can email you to let you know when I do." "Have you seen the news?" "Everything's crashed, no good." "You are lucky to have job, David." "Yeah, no good." "What did you want to do when you were a kid?" "To be in America only." "But, like, what did you want to do when you got here?" "I didn't think like this." "I think to be in America, you do anything:" "airline pilot, accounting, doctor, big company CEO, ball-base player, cowboy." "David, when Tata was a young boy, dedushka used to play all the American Western TV programs for him, eh?" "I thought everyone in America is cowboy, bandits," "Indians, sheriffs, deputies." "Did you ever want to be a bandit?" "Of course." "The only one above the sheriff is the bandits." "For most of the story." "David, eat." "I'm sure you'll find something else." "Yeah, thanks." "Do you know what you want to do, like, with your life?" "I like sports." "I can do something in sports." "Are you joking?" "I can't tell." "Yeah, it's a "Seinfeld" thing." "I don't actually like sports," "I guess except tennis and cycling, but there's too much drugs in cycling." "Well, I'm sure you'll think of something." "We'll see." "Awesome, thank you." "I got to go." "Thanks, dude." "Bye." "Eliza!" "What's going on?" "Okay, I've got everything I need." "Can we meet this guy?" " No." " Just text me the info." "Bye." "Why do you have to sell weed, though?" "Dealing just seems exciting and glamorous and, like, potentially extremely lucrative." "I'll hopefully make enough money to live on, and I'll get to, like, live... capital L... in a way I haven't before." "Plus, I'll have stuff to write about, which would be cool in that I want to be a writer." "It's honestly kind of perfect, right?" "I don't know." "But, like, here's the main thing:" "my chances of getting caught are, like, relatively slim, right, which, you know, is maybe fucked up," " It's totally true." " I mean, like..." "And I hate smoking weed, so it's not like I'll smoke all my product or something." " Oh, boy." " And you will be on a very specific ration, so you also will not smoke all of my product." "Seriously though, anything I would want to get is, like, totally impossible right now." "I don't believe that for two seconds." "Well, if you play your cards right and earn it, maybe you'll get a discount." " I know how to earn it." " Oh, yeah?" "I know exactly how to earn it." "They're here." "Hi, David Shapiro." "David." "Hey, how's it going?" "So, like, are you guys pretty busy today with deals?" "What do you need?" "How much is an ounce?" "370." "Okay, then I guess let me get... 2 ounces." "Is there a bulk discount?" "Two isn't bulk, B." "(speaking in Spanish)" "Si." "(speaking in Spanish)" "I wish I had, like, a button" "I could press to make a tumbleweed roll by, you know, like in situations where nothing else is happening." "Oh, what was the strain called?" " Green Kush." " Green Kush, okay." "Do you have any other strains?" "Not at the moment." "Is there a time of year that weed is in season and it costs less?" "Is this kid for real?" "You know, when you buy different vegetables at different times of the year, they cost different amounts because they go in and out of season, you know?" "Bruto, weed isn't a vegetable." "Doesn't work that way." "(both speak Spanish)" "David, I'd like to explain something to you." "And it's not because I like you or because I think you're cute, but solely because the more customers that buy from me, the better it is for me." "But I got this feeling that you're not gonna be my customer for that long, so I need you to listen." "You need to shut the fuck up." "You need to keep your mouth closed and shut the fuck up." "I know that you're gonna be selling to people, and you're gonna just be telling your life story, but you need to cut that shit out right now, or you're gonna get popped." "And stop smiling like you're in a motherfucking day care, or I'll rob you." "The only reason I'm not robbing you right now is because of her, and I'll probably make more off of you in the long run than I can take off you right now." "Don't tell anyone more than they need to know." "Don't tell anybody shit about your personal life." "You want to talk?" "Talk about the weather or movies or some bullshit." "Don't pick up that phone if you don't have to." "Don't text if you don't have to." "Keep all your conversations to a minimum." "Stay paranoid, B, and keep it moving." "You understand me?" "Yeah?" "Good." "You call me when you need, all right?" "You too, sweetheart." "They seem nice." " Hi." " Hey." "How much would that scale be?" "That is 40, but for you, 35." "Oh, wow, that's so nice." "Thank you." "Yeah, I'll take that, please." "Anything else?" "Could I also get some of those baggies, please?" "You got a lot of jewelry, right?" "Why do you think that?" "That is what you put in the baggies, right?" " Oh." " Jewelry, yeah." "Jewelry, yeah, no, yeah, for... that's why I need the baggies, is for my jewelry." "Right, for jewelry." "Yeah, also the scale is for weighing jewelry." "It's all jewelry purchases." " Total, $40." " Okay." "Thank you." " Thank you." " Good luck, huh?" "Thanks, with my jewelry." "Okay." "Oh, God, sorry." "Sorry." " It's all right." " Okay, sorry, bye." "Thank you." "Hey, this is David Shapiro." "I lost my job, so I sell weed now." "This is my weed number." "Text me if you need, please." "I deliver." "Also feel free to pass this number around." "How am I gonna sell all this?" "I texted everyone I know who smokes, like, two hours ago, and I got one response." "I feel like that might not add up to a full-time job." "Could you just not sell it and then say that you did?" "I don't think that would be super profitable, but it's a good idea." "You know, I was actually thinking about this, and do you realize that if you get caught selling weed, it doesn't matter where you went to college or how cute you are?" "Because nobody who pays over minimum wage is ever going to hire you ever." "I just really want the best for you." "I mean, I really care about you." "I know that sounds really corny, but I do." "Do you want to see something?" "Yeah." "Okay, hand me my laptop." " Oh, on your laptop." " Yes, on my laptop." "What more do you want to see?" " I don't know." " You're gonna like it." " Promise." " All right, laptop." " Thank you." " You're welcome." "Uh-oh." "Okay, get ready." "Ta-da." "What is this?" "This is a replacement for that ugly, hideous couch in your living room." "Whoa, pump the brakes." "You just moved in here, like, 45 seconds ago, and you're already redecorating." "Yo, this my bach pad, B. It's not our starter home." "Oh, give me a break." "I just thought it might, like, make the room less hideous, you know?" "And it'll make it more comfortable, and it's, like, a perfect replacement because it probably doesn't smell as bad." "And that's a huge problem that I'm having with the one that you have now." "What are you doing?" "Are you trying to, like, figure out a way to sell weed on the Internet?" "No, I'm just trying something." "I probably won't even go through with it." "This is completely fucking insane." "Please do not use your one phone call from jail on me." "I am not going to help you." "Hey." " Are... are you MJ?" " Yeah." "Okay, and you are a cop, because you have to tell me if you're a cop." "Please just tell me if you're a cop." "I'm definitely not a cop." " Promise?" " Yeah." "But I might be a psychopath who wants to lure into our apartment to murder you." "Honestly that would be, like, a huge relief to me versus you being a cop." "Okay, where do we do this?" "My apartment's right there." "And you're not gonna, like, rob me or something, right?" "'Cause I don't have any cash on me." "It would be a total waste of your time, so don't rob me, please." "Maybe I should get one of those stickers that says," ""Carries less than $30 cash," and, like, put it on my bike, you know, 'cause then people would know not to rob me." "It wouldn't be worthwhile." "Yeah, no, this isn't where I would take somebody and then rob them or murder them." "In a darkened staircase." "That's 20." "Have you ordered online before or..." "No, I just did it 'cause I just moved here and I don't know anybody." "So do you have, like, regular hours, or can you deliver whenever?" "I deliver whenever." "Just email me when you need." "I'm gonna need, like, every day, so maybe we should just set up a time and do that." "Okay, do you want to say here every day at noon?" "Yeah, sounds good." "Cool, I will see you tomorrow then." "See you tomorrow." "I never knew sea horses are hermaphrodites." "Yeah, that's pretty incredible." " Yeah." " I made my first sale." "Bye." "John, what's up, man?" "What's up?" " 20." " Whoa." "Hey, mom, no, I'm on my lunch break, but I just wanted to call and tell you that work is going much better than it was, and I don't want you to worry about me not liking my job," "because, you know, I do." "Sorry." "That's awesome." "Breaking news, the U.S. stock market witnessed one of its worst trading days in history when the Dow dropped nearly 20% today." " Hello?" " Panicked brokers are trying to encourage investors to keep them selling, but it doesn't look like it's doing much good." "Let's go to our financial expert James Douglas, who's live on Wall Street and witnessing the chaos..." "What's up, dude?" "Hey, are you Jeff?" "You're Jeff." "What did you need?" "Do you have eighth?" "Yeah." "So it's, um, 80." "Sweet apartment." "Thanks, it was a birthday gift from my father." "My dad once got me a LSAT prep book for my birthday." "Hey, do you want to smoke?" "No, I actually have some deliveries right now to do, but thanks, and maybe next time." "You Green Jacket?" "We have to go for a ride." " How far are we going?" " Around the block." "Do you think we could go into a store or something?" "I was told to, you know, like, not get into cars with strangers." "Kid, don't waste my fucking time." "Can you roll me one?" "Yeah." "No, thanks." "No, thanks?" "It makes me uncomfortable." "Get paranoid, very prone to panic attacks, anxiety, et caetera." "You don't seem like a regular pot dealer." "You're not really a regular pot buyer." "How'd you get into this?" "I want to be a writer, but that doesn't really seem realistic, so I'm doing this until something better occurs to me." "Before this, I had a conventional job, but I lost it." "I know how you feel." "The board of directors at my firm is meeting... well... they're gonna remove me." "You want to deal weed?" "I could put you in touch with my supplier." "No, thank you." "Appreciate it." "Is that your bike?" "I used to have an old Schwinn when I was in college." "That thing weighs, like, half a fucking ton, right?" "It's heavy, but I think maybe only, like, 30 or 40 pounds." "Why don't you get yourself something decent?" "Are you serious?" "I'm investing in your operation." "When you're a kingpin, you'll bring me some free bags." "Good luck with the Board." "Hey." "Hi." " I got a new bike." " Yeah, I can see that." " What do you think?" " It's nice." "That's really nice." "Cool." "I got you something too." " I'm excited." " I got you..." "Oh!" "The inedible candy that you love so much." " I love it." " Yeah?" "Thank you." "I have a distinct recollection of you eating that the night we met, and it was, like, really hard for you to eat, so you kind of looked weird, which was weird because usually you're so cool and casual." "But that night, it was, like, the opposite of smoking a cigarette." "Thank you." "That'll be gone in a week." "Gross." "Here, get on." " No, I can't get on." " Yeah, yeah, for sure you can." "No my skirt... it's, like, not conducive for bike riding." "It's really..." "I can't..." "look." " Okay, just..." " I can't." " Just side-saddle it." " What do you mean?" "Just, like, sit here but, like, face there." "But how is it gonna work?" "Am I gonna die?" "Just sit." "Do you trust me?" "Yeah, this is fun." " Yeah, what do you think?" " It's nice." "My feet were hurting." "Oh, good." "This is your chariot." "Why is it so nice, though?" "Why'd you get such an expensive one?" "Well, at the risk of sounding tautological," "I prefer to think of it as my, like, investment in my business, you know?" "Okay." "I'm gonna write it off my drug dealer taxes." "This place is cool." "You live here?" "Don't ask me personal shit." "Oh, yeah, right, sorry." " My dad's the super." " Oh, cool." "So you want Blueberry Haze or California Sunset?" "Same price?" "I'll take Blueberry Haze then." "Does it have, like, blueberry plant DNA, like, spliced into it or something?" "No, B, the name's are all bullshit." "Wake up." "You should reconsider because the California Sunset's from Cal..." "Yo, that seat is hot, man." "You said got some new tires on it?" "How you like them?" "Oh, yeah, no, they're nice." "They're gator skins." "My old ones were starting to get worn down and weren't gripping the road right, and all it takes is one accident, you know?" "So you got to be careful, but I think I want to put a lighter crank set on it too." "I think that's gonna be my next move." "You picked that up quick, man." "Thanks." "All right, I got to go, man." "For real, though, how do you ride this thing, man?" "I mean, why?" "No brakes, no helmet." "You can't even control the shit." "Oh, man, I can't imagine not riding fixed gear anymore, and I control it as well as I can control a regular bike with regular brakes." "You know, all you do is, like, stop your feet, and that's how you stop moving." "It's kind of hard to imagine if you hadn't ridden one before, but all it takes is a little bit of practicing, like zooming around traffic, like..." "You know, it's almost like you're connected to the road, and, like, there's just nothing like it, you know?" "I think honestly for some people it can be, like, a spiritual thing, and obviously also there are some mechanical advantages too, but that's not why I ride it, you know?" "Damn, brah, I didn't want a fucking sermon." "Let me ride it." "Okay, you got it?" "Just peddle." "Yeah, I got it." " Yeah." " Whoa." "Slow down, slow down." "Just stop peddling, stop... just stop peddling." "No, keep..." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." "You're fucking crazy, B." "I don't know how to stop this thing." "It gets easier." "Want no part of that shit." "I've never seen your face like that." " Hey." " Hey." " How are you?" " Good." "What's up?" "Nothing;" "I have, like, 15 new customers or something, so it's kind of crazy." "Oh, that's awesome." "Yeah, I think it's... | think it's awesome." " Yeah." " I'll see you in a bit." "Oh, you're leaving?" "Yeah, I got to go, but I'll see you tonight, okay?" " Okay." " Bye." "Oh, slow down, chief." "You want winner?" "My ice cream's, like, melting." "No, seriously I can't." "I got deliveries, but thanks." "Dude, you're a weed dealer, not an ambulance driver." "They're not gonna give a fuck if you're 15 minutes late." "I guess we'll never know." "Wow." "Did you know..." " Yeah?" " That the restaurant" "Red Lobster invented the dish shrimp scampi?" " Really?" " Yeah, in, like, the 1970s, it didn't exist, and then they just invented it." " Okay, good one." " Okay." "Did you know that Taco Bell invented the hard shell taco?" " No, is that true?" " That is completely 100% true, and did you know that Au Bon Pain invented bread?" "Wait, that one sounds like it's probably not true." " It is true." " The word "pain" does..." "My French is not so good." "Well, lucky for you, mine is excellent, so..." "D'accord." "Do you even understand what that means?" " No, but it's very sexy." " Thank you." "You can continue to speak French for me at any and all times." "I speak a little French." "We should go to Paris, and I should try it out." "Let's go right now." "Surprise!" "Birthday!" "Thank you guys so much." "Hey!" "My man." "Happy birthday." "What's up?" "Totally fooled." " Hi, friends." " Hi." "I was so nervous I'd run into one of you on the way in, but it worked out, so..." "It totally worked out." " I was nervous." " It's amazing." "I don't know how you guys..." "I don't know how you did this." "I did it." "I pulled it off." "Thank you." "The birthday boy." "Happy birthday!" "Whoo!" " Hey." " Hey, this is amazing." "Thank you so much." "What's going on with you, though?" "Are you okay?" "You're, like, half dead." "Oh, it's just I actually took two of your clonazepams before we came, so I just need to get some food in my stomach." "I don't have any more clonazepam." " What are you talking about?" " Yeah, you do." "I know it was on the night stand." "David, that was zolpidem." "Did you really take that?" "When you did start taking a sleeping pill?" "When you started coming home at 5:00 in the morning, waking me up, but honestly, what difference does it make when I started taking it?" "Why would you take my pills without asking me what they are?" "I don't know, because I like them." " Yay!" " Speech, speech, speech!" "Speech, speech, speech!" "My excellent good friends, a thousand monkeys and a thousand typewriters couldn't convey how I feel in this moment." "Thank you, guys." "We'll get the check separate." "Separate bills." "Thank you." "Guys, I'm so sorry." "He'll be here any..." "oh, here he is." "He's here." "Yeah, I'll keep an eye on the..." "Thank you." "Thank you for waiting." "Hey." "I had to go to fucking Queens." "Cool, I had to fight tooth and nail to keep this court." "I mean, look at that guy, he's huge." "And now we only have 30 minutes to play, so..." " So let's get going." " Great." "Do you want to play a set or just hit." "Let's play a set." "I don't need any warm up." "I was on the bike all day." "Great, 'cause we don't have time for you to warm up." " You want to serve?" " Yeah, ready?" "First ball in." "Oh, sorry, little rusty." "Here we go, you ready?" "Oh." "Yeah, sorry." "That... yup." "Okay, I get it." "I get it." "I'm on your shit list right now." "Can we please just, like, play?" "This is playing." "Here we go." "Hilarious." "It's like I'm high or something." "I don't know." "As amazing as playing tennis with you right now is, I got to go on a run." "Are you serious?" "Yeah, no, I'm really sorry, but I did make it clear I might have to leave early." "I mean, we just starting playing." "Did we... did we not just start playing?" "Again, really sorry." "I know this sucks, but..." "Can't you just do it after we finish?" "My customers use me because I'm fast and reliable." "I'm the best at this." "If I start making exceptions, my business is fucked." "I'll make it up to you, okay?" "We'll play another day." "No, I don't think so, dude." "Like, I don't think we can play tennis or socialize or anything until you get a new job." "What do you mean, Mike?" "I mean, I'm just over it, dude." "Every time we hang out, I have to worry that the DEA is gonna show up with assault rifles and take us to prison." " The DEA." " Yeah." " Really?" " Yeah." "I think you've been watching too many movies." "It's hard to imagine there's anyone lower on the weed-dealing totem pole than me." "I sell, like, tiny amounts of weed." "Yeah, and you sell a lot of them, like a lot of teeny amounts of weed." "Maybe they need some." "Why don't you go ask?" "You should seriously consider how this job is affecting your relationships." "I mean, have you even talked to your girlfriend?" "I will be right back." "Thanks." "Want to smoke?" "I've got, like, five other deliveries right now, but..." "You say that every day." "Is it me?" "I just don't think it would be a good idea for me to come inside." "Hi." "What's up?" "I'm going to the Janie tonight." "You want to come?" "The Janie, really?" "Like..." "like, by yourself." "No, with my roommate." "Aren't I your roommate?" "Yeah, no, my roommate from school." "Are you sure you don't want to stay here tonight?" "Um, and do what?" "We could watching this streaming documentary that one of my customers was telling me about, about how animals masturbate." "Spoiler alert, whales masturbate by rubbing up against rocks." "Okay." "Can you zip me UP?" "Sorry." "Yeah." "Also, though, did you know that rats have clitorises?" "No, I did not, but, yeah, thank you." "Okay, bye." "Even castrated horses masturbate." "Orangutans actually fashion dildos out of tree bark." "I mean, you can't be a part-time drug dealer." "It's a full-time gig, and plus, I'm trying to find inspiration for my story." "I mean, I'm still planning on writing a novel." "I don't know, I don't know." "It is what it is." "Why do you chew up your pills like that?" "Makes them work faster." "I don't like my job either." "Really?" "It seems like it could be fun." "Writing about commercial real estate?" "Yeah, no, I don't know." "I mean, it seems like it could be interesting, big deals, big egos, et cetera." "Want to trade jobs?" "No way." "But I think they might be hiring other writers if you're interested." "What, really?" "Yeah, definitely." "Do you have any experience writing?" "I write a blog about a music website." "Would that count?" "Email me the link, and I'll show it to my boss." "Awesome." " I know what you're doing." " What?" "What, do you think we don't know what's going on here?" "Yeah, you're here every couple of days greasy like you've been biking all day." " Yeah, no, I like to bike." " Yeah, you like to bike." "I know you like to bike." "Sometimes your eyes are red." "Okay." "And you look like you're gonna shit your pants." "Every time you leave, the kid from 6.J, he comes down, too, a half hour later." "His eyes are red too, only he's more chilled out." "Yeah, no, look, I don't know what you're talking about, man." "That kid's just my friend, and I come to say what's up to him, so..." "Yeah, okay, what's his last name?" "I don't know it." "I mean, we just, like, take class together." "It's not, like, I, you know, asked him already." "I don't know his life story, you know?" "Just relax." "Let me get some." "Yeah, give me a little smoke." "What?" "You scared the shit out of me, dude." "Sorry, I was only fucking with you." "Yeah, hilarious." "How much do you need?" "Let me get a G." "It's 20." "Let me get another one." "Okay." "Thanks." "Yeah, oh, it's another 20, though." "Cops and security guards, we're like this." "Nice doing business with you." " What's up?" " What's up, bro?" "You all right?" " Good, what's going on?" " Nothing, you ready?" " Do it outside like this?" " No, it's in here." "Oh." "Said you wanted 3 ounces, right?" "Yeah, please." "Cool." "Here you go." "Thanks." "Is everything else good with you, bro?" "Yeah, things are good." "How you doing?" "All right, man, you know." "Just hanging in there, so to speak." "Put your hands behind your back, and get up against the wall!" "You're under arrest." "You have the right to remain silent." "Anything you say or do can be used..." " Ace, what's happening?" " I don't know, David." "I don't know." "Ace, Ace, Ace." "Ace." " If you do not have a lawyer..." " Ace, what is this, man?" "Man, he's about to faint." "You should see your face right now." "It's a joke, man." "Lighten up." "Oh, come on, David, we're just joking with you, man." "I'll see you next week." "What happened?" "I got robbed, but only for, like," "$20 by a doorman, so whatever." "It's just, like, some kind of tax or something, I guess, but then Ace played a prank on me that really wasn't funny." "I'm really sorry, David, but, like, you knew that stuff like this was gonna happen." "Okay, you're right." "Okay." "So I talked to Mike." "I gathered." "This job you have is making it impossible to spend any time with you." "You probably spend more time with your customers than you do with your actual friends, and you act weird all the time because you are always stoned or on pills." "And you leave places in the middle of hanging out, and everyone's really, really worried about you because you sell weed in the most public way possible: on the Internet." "Well, I don't know what else to do." "You know, this is something that I'm good at and makes me feel satisfied with myself, you know?" "Even if there are occasional hiccups." "This whole entire thing is a hiccup." "We used to, like, spend time together like normal people." "Like, we would go out and do things and do activities, and now I spend more time with your roommate, sitting on that disgusting couch in your living room, than I do with you." "Come on, seriously, I mean, we have nice conversations, and you teach me things all the time." "When I first met you," "I felt curious about you, and I felt connected to you in a way that I haven't felt with anybody else before." "You have a lot of ideas, and some of them are great, like selling hummus in squeeze bottles." " Great for sandwiches." " It's brilliant!" "But, like, I don't know what to do." "Like, I can't do this anymore if you're not gonna be here with me at all." "Okay, okay." "Can we make a deal?" "It depends what it is." "I will try to be more here, like, way more here, if you can try to be more okay with what I'm doing when I'm not here." "I don't know." "I guess we could try it." " Let's try it." " Okay." "Now, do you want to hear some good news about a possible thing that might happen?" "One of my customers is gonna try to set me up with a writing job." "It's something." "I'm sorry." "What are you doing on Thursday at 7:00?" "Whatever you want." "Why?" "I want you to take me to dinner." "You've neglected me for, like, over two months, and now you have to make it up to me." "Well, then you'd better get ready, 'cause you're gonna have, like, so much dinner, like, more dinner than, like, you're even gonna know what to do with." "I mean, it's gonna be, like, 14 courses." "There's gonna be amuse-bouches and aperitifs and digestifs." "All the "tifs" are gonna be well-represented." "Okay." "And I really am sorry." "Thank you." "Hey, it's me." "I just have one more stop to make, and then I'll be there." "So probably like 8:45." "Hello." "I have your delivery." "Well, come on in." "Let me see the shit." "What's this one called?" "It's Candy Apple." "Candy Apple, Candy Apple." "I've smoked Swansea," "Blue Haze," "Jack Frost, Lowrider," "Wonderberry, Misty," "Iceberry Blue, JFK." "I even smoked Horse Shit with my grandma." "Don't do that." "This any good?" "Yeah, it's great." " It's 40 for the two." " Is this a gram each?" "'Cause it looks like maybe .8, .9." "Yeah, no, they're 20s, not grams." "We're not in Europe, dude." "We're not in Europe." " God bless America." " Let's get fucked up." "I have somewhere to be, actually, so enjoy." "Oh, oh, got some girls coming." "Yeah, I should probably just..." "Well, I got these." " What are those?" " I don't know." "Fuck." "Fuck." "Do you have the two eighths?" "Have you heard anything about the job yet?" "Yeah, I don't think it looks good." "They just hired a couple of people." "Did you show your boss my blog?" "Yeah." "Yeah, it was great." "It was really interesting stuff." "He said it just wasn't, like, the same thing that we do." "I can do other stuff." "It's not like the ability to write about real estate is, like, an inborn characteristic, you know?" "I mean, I could learn how to..." " Do you have the plants?" " Of course." "But do you see what I'm saying about the..." "Can I just have them?" "Christmas!" " Thanks." " Later." "See you." "(both speaking Spanish)" "Oh, shit, a cop." "Where you going?" "Fuck!" "Fuck, was you watching me, man?" " You had me, huh?" " Fucking bullshit, man." "Hey, man, leave them boys alone, now." "What you doing, man?" "Them boys... hey!" "Legalize it, pavilar!" "Have you talked to her yet?" "Yeah, I sent her some texts and emails, including one which I wrote entirely from the perspective of the "Mailer Demon," so..." "Wait, what's the mailer demon?" "You know that thing that, you know, sends you an email when you send an email to an address that doesn't exist." "It bounces it back to you, you know, and then it says "Mailer Demon" at the top in all caps." "What?" "I'm pretty sure that's called Mailer-Daemon." "Mailer-Daemon?" "That's..." "I don't even think that's a word." "Wouldn't it be demon?" "What's a daemon?" "I don't know." "I've never really actually heard someone say Mailer-Daemon or mailer demon out loud, so you might actually be right." "So has she replied back to your email or..." "Oh, yeah, I'll show you." "She sent me this sweet pic of a middle finger made out of, like, backslashes and stuff." "That's creative." "She really spent a lot of time on it, and she's clearly thinking about me, so I feel like it's just a matter of time now." "Come on, we're good." "Yeah, no, it's..." "Hey, maybe... you know what?" "Maybe you should just relax on her." "Oh, come on, man, look how happy these guys are." "They're drinking the same stuff." "I feel like we're all gonna be all smiles pretty soon here." " Hey, what's..." " Did you turn Ace in?" "He got arrested." "What?" "Holy shit!" "'Cause he thinks you turned him in." "Now he's looking for you." "What?" "Why?" "'Cause he saw you, like, a minute before he got arrested, and then afterwards, he tried to call you to ask about it, and you didn't answer." "Like, why didn't you answer?" "I don't know." "I didn't see his call." "I must've missed it." "What are you talking about?" "Wait, did you tell him where I live?" "I mean, I told him the cross streets, but I didn't tell him your address." "I didn't even know why he was asking until, like, after I already told him." "Like, I'm sorry." "Oh, fuck." "Do you think he's gonna tell the cops about me or something?" "I mean, I don't think that's really his style." "Like, I don't think he would, but you're, like, a tiny fish to them anyway, so..." "What is his style?" "Shit." "Shit." "Do you go to school?" "Don't ask me personal shit, man." "You're a fucking drug dealer." "Drug dealers don't talk about personal shit." "They talk about benign shit or don't talk." " Yeah, I just..." " Yeah." "Were you just doing that for free weed?" "It's okay if you were." "Like, I won't be offended, but..." "Fuck!" "Fuck!" "Shit!" "God fucking... fuck!" "Hey, yo, cuz, what up?" "Man, take it." "Everything's in there." "Ace, man, listen." "Ace, man, I didn't say anything to anyone." "I swear, man." "Why would I do that?" "I wouldn't fucking..." "Ace, man, please." "Please." "It's all right." "Ugh!" "Get the fuck out of here." "You got something for me?" "Little bitch." "Come and get some." "What you got here?" "Got a little treat for me?" "Oh, jackpot, fellas." "We're partying tonight." "You don't remember what I told you?" "Stay paranoid, B!" "Hey, mom." "I just had a shitty day at work, you know, so I thought I'd call and say hi." "Um, one of our clients just delayed paying his fee for, like, months and then just declared bankruptcy, so my boss is just in a really foul mood, you know?" "And Kate broke up with me." "Like, a month ago." "My girlfriend." "Ma, I did." "Ma, I've had a few girlfriends." "Okay." "Okay, good night, bye." "I didn't even know you were here." "We're gonna order some Dominos." "You want?" "Um, yeah, sure." "What happened to you?" "I don't..." "I don't want to talk about it, please." "Can I buy some hydrocodone off of you, though, please?" "You can have some." "Here." "Thanks." "Do you think it was a mistake for me to let Kate move in with us?" "I really enjoyed having her here." "She was very comforting." "I think that if you add up all of the waking moments in the last four months of which you were not making any mistakes, it would probably add up to about six hours." "So, like, what did I do that wasn't a mistake?" "Kate... definitely not a mistake, I think." "She was so hot that I thought she had to be mentally defective to be sleeping with you." "You're such a fucker." "Or hiding a secret, like maybe she murdered her parents." "I don't know." "Why didn't you tell me I was fucking up, man?" "There were way too many other people trying to tell you that I didn't need to." "Not that you listened." "No." "So what are you gonna do now?" "And luckily Ace didn't kill me, and eventually he found the kid who really did turn him in, and he texted me, "Sorry, bro."" "And I texted him back, "It's okay." "I forgive you."" "I was not cut out for that business, but not everything was totally destroyed." "He looks like a deranged maniac." " I'll deal with it." " Okay." " Hi." " Hi." "What are you doing here?" "What happened to your face?" "Um, so you left these at my apartment, and I wanted you to have them." "David, what the fuck?" "What the fuck are you doing at my house?" "Well, I came to see you." "Why didn't you tell me you were coming?" "You would've said I couldn't." "Why are you covered in sweat?" "Did you bike here?" "Why?" "I don't know." "It was nice out." "I didn't..." "I didn't really give it much thought." "I just sort of did it." "Can we please talk?" "Okay, fine." "Morn, I'm going out for, like, one minute." "I'll be right back, okay?" "Okay, let's go down, talk down here." "It's nice to see you." "What happened to you?" "I got beat up by Ace." "I mean, I deserved it, you know?" "I don't think I have the constitution to be a drug dealer." "I mean, you know that." "I came to tell you that I miss you and that I took for granted and that I know that I took for you granted and that I'm really, really sorry I took you for granted." "I'm making some of the changes that we talked about, you know?" "You're still working, though?" "Not anymore." "I can live off my savings for a while." "You know, I made, like, $25,000-ish, so I feel like that should be all right." "There was $25,000 under that bed" "I was sleeping in?" "Probably more like $15,000 to $18,000 when you slept in it, but..." "Whatever, though, it's..." "it's not worth it." "You know that." "I know." "Do you think that writing job's gonna work out?" "Definitely not, but I've been applying to a lot of other stuff, but I feel like this might be off-putting to potential employers, but..." " Babe." " Hi." "Um..." "That's your ex-boyfriend." "Mm-hmm, yeah." "Um..." "You probably should..." " Yeah." "I'm so frustrated with myself." "I don't know why I do stupid things." "I'm just, like, kind of a fucking idiot, you know?" "Can I tell you a secret?" "Yeah." "Hey!" "Simon!" "Simon, stop it!" "Simon!" "Come back." "What are... what are you doing?"