"(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)" "Ugh." "Ugh." "Tiger?" "It's your dad." "I slept in." "Uh, I'll see you downstairs." "Don't come to the room, there's been an accident." "Erm..." "I mean, just a spillage." "I'll see you down by the pool." "Hello, darlin'?" "I think you'd better wake up." "They wanna clean the room and I'm leaving today, so..." "Ahhh!" "What's wrong with you?" "I thought you were..." " You thought I was what?" "Why are you dressed like that?" "Have you lost your mind?" "Why are you dressed like that?" "Oh, my God!" "You forgot about everything and you thought you'd scored!" "Shut up!" "Look at the state of ya." "Don't you remember the fancy-dress party we crashed?" "No, I don't." "Why didn't you sleep in your own room?" "Couldn't find my key." "I must have left it in me handbag." "Come here, give me a kiss." "Get out of it." "Go down and get another key." " All right." "See ya downstairs." " Yeah, right." "How!" "(LAUGHS)" " Get out of it!" "(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION) (JANICE LAUGHING)" "What are you both doing in here?" "Well, I'm riding a bike and she's baking a cake." "Janice, he knows what I mean, tell him." "Tell him what?" "I don't know what you're on about." "Buck A. Roo." "No thanks, but I'll have a game of underwater Twister if you go first." "Mr Roo said to meet him in Reception at 11:00." "It's only 10:30." "Oh, come on." "Put on a pair of long trousers and get a shave." "Do you mind?" "That's my wife you're talking to." "Just calm down, Mother, he can come up here and talk to us." "You're gonna show me up, I knew you would." "This man's come all the way from America." "So a walk in here from Reception won't seem that long a journey." "Leave him a message to meet us here." "I will." "And when he tells us us all about this inheritance you lot can go whistle for it." "There is no inheritance." "When will you listen?" "It's all a scam." " How could it be a scam?" "You met him for yourself last night." "He's a top American lawyer." "I met him for 30 seconds." "He could be a dustman from Wigan." "He's got an American accent." "Yeah, so did my Uncle Wally." "He also kept ferrets down his trousers and used to bark at traffic." "(LAUGHS)" "(IMITATES BARKING)" "Sod the pair of ya!" "(LAUGHING)" "Hey, hang on!" "I've said nothing." "Mother!" "MADGE:" "Ugh!" "Oh!" "Why'd you have to wind her up?" "What else is there to do?" "Hmm?" "It's not actually a smokin' room and there's no balcony." "If you just hang your head out the window and make sure that your tab ends don't fall in the pool, everything will be hunky-dory." "Uh, Lesley." "This booking for two nights, Mr Buck A. Roo." "He arrived late last night." "You didn't check him in, did you?" "No." "Why?" "(CHUCKLES) You don't think there's something slightly odd?" "How do you mean?" " Well, the name!" "Mr Buck A. Roo, Buckaroo!" "What sort of name is that?" "Well, it is unusual, but I've got an Irish auntie and she's called" "Patty O'Dors." "Heh-heh-heh." "I mean, it's just the luck of the draw, isn't it?" "And look under Notes." ""Will not be staying second night, room is to freshen up only."" "Now, that is strange." "Why pay for an extra night when you can just have a leak and a promise in the bogs." "JOYCE:" "Well, I wasn't going to put it quite like that but yes, exactly." "Uh, excuse me, can I get a replacement key for Room 601, please?" "No prob." "And do something about your hair." "(SCOFFS)" "Cheeky cow!" "There's nothing wrong with my hair young 'un, is there?" "Uh, it's better than mine, mate." ""Who said, 'The woman who can look" ""'inside herself has true beauty?"'" "Sticky Vicky!" "Jacqueline, I feel I owe you an apology." "Apology?" " Yes, my conduct last night." "I feel the need to clear the air." "Do you want a drink?" "I'm just on the day wine, 'cause it's only early." "No, no, I need a clear head." "Plus it's only ten to eleven." "Do you mind if we go inside?" "I find the sun quite bothersome." "Oh, I was just starting to get a tan." "If you don't mind." "I'll get my things together." "I'll see you in Reception." "Oh, just five more minutes." "(SIGHS)" "I'm getting a very strong sense of a woman in a past life." "With the letter "B"." " Sue." "How many times have I told you, I'm not into all that stuff." "A very tall, overpowering woman with, with big hair and a cleavage that could stop traffic." "No." "Oh, she's trying so hard to come through, she's saying," ""It's time for you" ""to sort out those photos" ""in that shoebox covered in wallpaper."" "I don't know any tall, dead women with big hair and even bigger cleavage, and I don't have any photos in a shoebox." "Now, what do you think of them nails?" "Oh, they're lovely!" "Can I pay at the end of the week?" "As usual." "Now, think about what I said." "It might come to you." "The great Psychic Sue is never wrong." "Thanks, Sue." "See you at the end of the week." "See you, Kenneth." " See you, love." "Honestly!" "Can you believe some people are actually taken in by that rubbish?" "That woman she was describing, it's me mother, Brenda." "The letter "B"." "Oh, it's probably just a lucky guess." "What about the photies?" " Well, that's even easier." "She was sitting there, watching you lookin' at your photos." "Oh, yeah?" "How do you explain this, then?" "LIAM:" "Oh!" "(BREATHING UNEVENLY)" "Oh!" "So what we really need, you know, is somewhere private, where we can talk to this fella." "Maybe you should go to Rag Time." "It is quiet in the morning." "I said, somewhere private." "Don't you have, you know, like conference rooms and that?" "People do not come here to make business." "They come to get drunk, eat too much and burn their piggy skin in the Spanish sun." "He's come all the way from America." "We can't sit him in some grotty bar with that twat on the piano playing The Birdie Dance." "Right!" "Come on, it's nearly 11:00." "We best not keep him waiting." "Yeah, and when we've realised all this is just a con," "I can get back on me sunbed and that dwarf and his 10-gallon hat can piss off back to where he came from." "BUCK:" "Good mornin', y'all!" "I hope you slept well." "I know I did." "Mornin'." "I wasn't talking about you." "I..." "Oh, that's quite all right, sir, I understand." "You were merely concerned for Mrs Harvey's welfare." "Well, not really." "Oh, please, do call me Madge." "It's just quite an unusual situation." "Well, indeed it is, and I have quite a story to tell you." "Yeah, I bet you do." "Young man!" "Psst, psst." "(WHISTLES WEAKLY)" "We would like a pitcher of lemonade and some olives on that table over there." "Thank you!" "Madge, or should I say Mrs Mel Harvey." "If you would like to lead the way?" "Yes." "Let's start at the very beginning." "A very good place to start." "Shut up!" "I am, as you already know, Mr Buck A. Roo, one of the leading probate attorneys in the entire state of California." "Even if I say so myself." "What's a prostate attorney?" "Probate." "My business is concerned with administering the estates of the deceased." "I don't know what that means." "MICK:" "Works for dead people." "Bit like Mr Meaker off Rentaghost, but with a bigger hat." "This is for you, if any of you want a drink, let me know." "What..." "What..." "What is this?" "It is what you asked for." ""A picture of lemonade."" "No a "pitcher"." "A pitcher of lemonade." "This is a picture of lemonade." "No, a pitcher, a decanter, a carafe, a jug." "Young man, if this is your idea of a joke," "I'm afraid that sun is way too high in the sky for messing with your betters." "What is he talking about?" "We'll have the same again and he'll have a glass of lemonade." "He ask if I make a joke, and he's the one in fancy dress?" "(SPEAKING IN SPANISH)" "(SIGHS)" "As I was saying, one of my specialised lines of work is finding those entitled to the estates of their distant relatives." "It has taken me a long time to find you, Mrs Harvey." "But as I said in my letter to you," "I have some very good news." "So, you don't want this?" "Will you just go away!" "Okay, okay." "Ugh!" "I do apologise." "I've travelled over 6,000 miles in the last 24 hours." "I have taken so many uppers to stay awake." "I was practically high-kicking my way through passport control." "(CHUCKLES)" "(GAGGING)" "(CONTINUES TO GAG)" "I'll get them drinks." "Hey, I'll take them, thanks, pal." "What is wrong with this crazy man?" "I don't know, that's what we're trying to find out." "Why does he wear this hat?" "He's a VPL?" "He says he's flown halfway around the world to tell my mother-in-law she's about to inherit a fortune." "And this is true?" "(SARCASTICALLY) Yeah, and I'm Lord Lucan." "There he is, that's him." "The one that looks like Boss Fogg from The Dukes of Hazzard." "Heh-heh-heh." "I wonder what he's doing here." "Mateo, what's going on over there?" "The VPL has come to give the family lots of money." "Oh, and he's made one of them a "Lord"." " (JOYCE GASPS)" "What can I tell you?" "These are crazy times." "Oh, that's woke me up." "Bit fresh, is it?" "It's lovely once you're in." "Wish I had a euro for every time I'd said that." "Eh?" " Nothing." "Why don't you give Mum a ring?" "Dad?" "You just don't get it, do you, son?" "What?" "Look, Tiger, I know it's not a nice thing to hear, but your mum and I, it's more than just a row." "I think this might be the end of the road for us." "Don't be ridiculous." "You're just as stubborn as each other." "This break will do you both good." "So you accept that we're not together, then?" "We're on a bit of a break." "Yeah, I just said that." "I think it's a good thing." "Well, what if, whilst your mum and I was on this break, some dolly-bird came along and tried to chat me up." "What do I do then?" "Yeah, right!" "Well, thanks, son." "That's done my confidence no end of good." "(WRECKING BALL PLAYING)" "It was Mel's great-great-grandfather Ebenezer Harvey, who made his fortune in the California Gold Rush of 1848." "He kept most his money in his wife's name, Elvira." "He was obviously a brave man." "I take it you're not married." "Oh, my dear, I've been married six times." "I'm beginning to think I'm addicted to wedding cake." "Hang on, Mel's name's not on this family tree." "Precisely." "Miss Garvey," "I've been like a catfish in a cul de sac, if you'll pardon me mixing my metaphors." "It has taken me a long time, a very long time indeed, to realise that Mel is the missing link." "Now, hang on a minute." "He might not have won any beauty prizes, but that's a bit strong." "Look, the bloodline ends with Calvin "Lucky" Harvey, who died in 1947." "What isn't recorded is Melvin." "His son, who he fathered out of wedlock when he was an American soldier in England during World War II." "So Mel was a bastard?" "I said that for years." "Shut up!" "This is interesting." "Unlike you." "Now, Calvin made some very bad investments in his time, culminating in spending the last of his inheritance on five acres of worthless desert land." "He then died in 1947 at the tender age of 29 from a single bite from a Mexican sidewinder." "MADGE: 29, that's no age at all." "Now, I know what you all are wondering." "What's a Mexican sidewinder?" "I take that back." "I did not know what you were wondering." "It's a type of rattlesnake." "If this desert land was worthless, then why have you flown from America to England and then England to Spain in the last 24 hours trying to find Madge?" "On the button." "But the key word, Mr Garvey, is "was"." "The desert land Calvin bought was worthless when he bought it." "But the name of that desert means a lot more now than it did then." "Las Vegas!" "Oh, did you hear that, Mother?" "You own five acres of land in Las Vegas." "Five acres upon which a luxury hotel has been built." "Bloody hell, what are we doing sitting here?" "Well, now, hold your horses." "Mr Garvey, let's not let the wind blow too much up our petticoats." "We're not talking The Bellagio or Caesars Palace." "Plus, Madge does not own the hotel, only the land that it's built upon." "But that's still good, isn't it?" "Very good." "It's a small hotel by" "Vegas standards, but I would estimate, conservative, ball-park figure?" "$30 million." "(GLASS SHATTERING)" "(MATEO CLEARING THROAT)" "No." "None of this is right." "What do you mean, it's not right?" "Course it's right." "Janice, tell her it's right." "Mel's father was called Clarence." "He died in 1944 during the Normandy landings." "Clarence was not Melvin's biological father." "Eh?" "Mel changed his name by deed poll in the '60s to Harvey." "Oh!" "Makes me think that he knew more about this story than he was letting on, even though he never spoke about it." "If it was a Mexican rattlesnake, what was it doing in America?" "I am going to leave y'all with some papers to read." "I have to make a few phone calls." "I realise this is an awful lot of information for y'all to take in, but there is no time like the present." "I shall return a little later with a proposed plan of action." "Ladies." "Sir." "I'll see y'all presently." "So do you still think it's all a big con?" "$30 million?" "Can't be right." "Actually, Mexico's quite near to America, so maybe it was just lost." "You still banging on about that bloody snake?" "What do you think, Mam?" "What, about the snake?" "No, about all this." "I don't know what to make of it." "I don't know what to make of any of it." "Hola!" "Is there anything I can get for you?" "Drinks?" "High-quality nibbles?" "Maybe a British newspaper?" "(CHANTING SOFTLY)" "Sorry about that, I must have nodded off." "Glynn?" "Glynn, are you all right?" "How long have I been here?" "Oh, about... (GASPS)" "Three hours!" "Sorry!" "Them three glasses of wine knocked me flat out." "Did you fall asleep as well?" "No, I've been chanting." " Oh." "I'm a semi-practising Buddhist." " Semi?" "Yes, I don't know that much about the religion but I do enjoy the chanting." "Shall I get us a drink?" "No." "Please, Jacqueline, sit down, would you?" "I want to lay my cards directly on the table." "My wife, Riannon, has always been very... popular." "Oh, that's good." "No, it isn't good." "I don't mean in the social sense." "I mean, well, she's a loose woman." "I think Donald mentioned something about her being able to do the splits." "No, I don't mean..." "Did he?" "What I mean to say is, we've had our problems in the past with her wandering eye." "You mean like a lazy eye?" "No!" "I mean she puts it about." "Oh, I see!" "And, well, I've always turned a blind eye." "To her wandering eye." "Yes." "But it started to get out of control, so I thought, why not put it out there, in the open." "For everyone to have a go on it." "Yes." "No!" "I mean the subject." "So I suggested the swinging thing and she almost bit my hand off." "Then we answered your advert for the wife-swap." "And here we are." "But if you weren't sure about the wife-swap, why did you suggest doing it on holiday?" "Riannon and I live in a very small town in South Wales, where you can't fart without it getting into the local press, if you pardon my French." "Glynn, I just need to know what you want to do." "I think my point is, I've made my bed now I must lie in it." "I'm here for a week," "I'm just going to grit my teeth and ride it out." "Donald once said something similar." "I'm pretty sure once Riannon has got this out of her system we can go back to being a normal, happily married couple." "But for me, I prefer our relationship to be purely platonic." "Well, I knew that." "Did you?" " Of course." "And you don't mind?" " Why should I?" "To be honest, I'm not that fussy when it comes to men or women." "But I must admit, I do like a bit more meat on the bone." "No offence." "Now, talking of meat, I think it's time for a burger." "I'm vegetarian." "Oh, you'll be all right." "I think they do them with cheese as well." "See ya out there." "Then the little guy in the hat tell them they are worth $3 million." "That can't be right." "I thought he said 30 million." "That's ridiculous." "There you are." "Come on you, that's your lunch hour finished." "I've got another 10 minutes." "Anyway, since when were you in a rush to get to work?" "Since I rang Psychic Sue and organised a séance at Blow  Go tonight." "You're joking." " MATEO:" "What is séance?" "It's where you all sit in a darkened room, join hands and try and contact the dead." "(EXHALES) Why do you do this?" "There are enough people here who are nearly dead." "LES:" "Heh-heh-heh-heh." "You can talk to them anytime." "Come on!" " All right, I'm coming." "8:00, Blow  Go." "What about this, then?" "Half price tickets to Paralysis." "What the hell is Paralysis?" "It's one of them big clubs out on the motorway." "Dad, you're in your 50s." "All right, keep it down." "I thought you might enjoy it." "TIGER:" "It don't open till 3:00 in the morning." "No, that must be a printing mistake." "Dad, clubs like this open at 3:00 a.m. And close at midday." "Really?" "What's all that about, then?" "And the only tunes they play is what you always call "drug music"." "Well, I thought it might make a change from what you get in the club here." "Engelbert Humperdinck and that lot." "True." "So you wanna go to Paralysis, then?" "I'll give Mikey a shout." "We could both meet you at Reception at say, what, 5:00 a." "M?" "Well, we don't want to be the first there, do we?" "No, I think I'll give Paralysis a miss tonight." "We'll do the Benidorm usual." "Paralytic." "Nice one." "(HUMMING)" "(EERIE MUSIC PLAYING)" "Is there anybody there?" "Knock once for yes, or twice for no." "(POUNDING ON DOOR)" " Jesus Christ!" "What the hell are you playing at?" "I nearly shat meself then." "Have you had a power cut?" "'Cause we're okay out here." "No!" "What do you want?" "What's going on?" "Nothing." " Then why are your lights off?" "Oh!" "Come in, then." "I am having a séance." "A séance?" " Yeah." "What, here?" " Yeah." "When?" " Tonight." "Who are you trying to contact?" "Never you mind, you nosy git." "Now look," "I could give you permission for this foray into the occult on one condition." "I don't need your permission." "Go on, piss off!" "No..." "I think you might need me." " What?" "I've been used as a tool before." "Oh, why doesn't that surprise me?" "Out!" "Listen!" "My father was a psychic medium." "But he could only contact the spirit world if I was in the room." "You're not making any sense." "(CLEARS THROAT) Let's just say, the afterlife is Channel 5, the psychic is the television..." "But I'm the antenna." "(SNIFFS)" "How much have you had to drink today?" "Nothing!" "Well, apart from a couple with me lunch." "Just go, will ya." "Psst, if you wanna come to the séance, be here tonight at 8:00." "Yes, no problem, I'll be here." "What the frig's Channel 5 got to do with anything?" "Pardon me." " Oh, I beg your pardon." "It's um, Mr LaRoo isn't it?" "My name is Roo, no "La"." "Roo-no-la." "No, my surname is Roo, but you can call me Buck." "Oh, how kind." "I'm Joyce." "Well, good day to you, Joyce." "Do let me know if I can be of any assistance in whatever it is you're doing here." "I mean, I don't mean that in a prying way." "I just..." "No, no." "Thank you." "Thank you." "You've been a most gracious host." "I mean, it's really none of our business what you're doing here." "Well, in that we are agreed." "Suffice it to say, if you do feel the need to include someone as, oh, I don't know, erm, an independent witness to legal matters?" "Please feel free to call upon my services." "My dear Joyce, I have an old Tennessee saying that I would like to share with you." "How wonderful!" ""The mountain air smells much sweeter" ""when you keep your nose out of other people's poop."" "(LAUGHING)" "MICK:" "Right." "Shall I tell him?" "No, I'll do it." "I do apologise for needing that untimely repose, but I've been flying all over Europe like a fish crow with four sets of wings." "I'm not signing anything." "Mrs Harvey, I understand your apprehension, but do you really think I would have travelled halfway across the world to find you, if it was all humbug and I was some kind of flim-flammer?" "I'm sorry, love, just my mother's been through all this before, and in Benidorm as well." "She nearly married this fella who said he had money belonging to Mel so, well, she don't want to go through it all again, do you, Mam?" "No, I bloody well don't." "Well, as handsome a woman as you are, Miss Harvey, and although I have indeed been won over by your not inconsiderable charms," "I wasn't thinking of asking you to jump the broomstick just yet." "My dear friends, I can understand your misgivings." "This is for sure one crazy old tale." "But I do have a solution." "How many days of your vacation do you have remaining?" "We've just got here." "Why?" "Let's all go to Vegas." "Oh, my God, yeah!" "MADGE:" "You what?" "Let's all go to Vegas and see what's due to y'all." "Go to Las Vegas, when?" "Well I took the liberty of checking flights, we could leave for London tonight." "Fly to Vegas in the morning, first-class." "All at my expense, naturally." "Oh Nana, please, I've always wanted to go to Vegas." "All right, that's enough." "Now look, I don't know who you are or what you want but this woman's been through enough." "And she don't need you messing her around with stories of million pound fortunes, trips to Las Vegas and all that bollocks." "Just..." "Just leave us alone." "Mr Garvey, I can assure you..." "Just leave us to get on with our holiday." "Okay, I understand this is an awfully big adventure and a lot to take in." "If you change your minds, you got my number." "(SARCASTICALLY) Yeah, we've got your number, all right." ""Hasta luego"as they say around these parts." "Excuse me, ma'am, can you order me a cab?" "Nae problem." "Brilliant!" "The one chance we get to do something interesting, you say no." "(SIGHS) Right!" "I think we could all do with a drink." "Hmm." "Mam?" "Mam?" "Yeah." "Let's go." "Now, you know not to give her any information, don't you?" "She already knows our address, she's a regular." "I don't mean that." "I mean any information that she could use to pretend that she's in touch with the spirit world." "There's a lot of charlatans out there." "It's all rubbish, I've told him." "Not entirely." "I once helped my father get in touch with an Egyptian queen." "Well, times have moved on." "We have Grindr for things like that now." "(SLOW KNOCKING ON THE DOOR)" "Wait!" "I can sense a knocking sound." "I think somebody's trying to get in touch." "We all sensed it, you daft cow, it's Sue." "Let her in, Liam." "(EERIE MUSIC PLAYING)" "There's a very heavy presence hanging in the air." "Yeah, sorry about that." "Liam had a kebab for his dinner." "I told you to eat that outside." "Ohh!" "The vibrations are strong." "They're very strong already." "I've never sensed such an atmosphere so heavy with the afterlife." "I told you, that'll be me." "Shut up, you!" "Come and sit down, Sue." "(SHARP INTAKE OF BREATH)" "Ohh!" "(SHARP INTAKE OF BREATH) Ohh!" "(EXHALING LOUDLY)" "You all right, love?" "(BREATHING LOUDLY)" "Did you jog here?" "(HOWLING)" "Kenneth," "Kenneth, there's someone trying to come through already." "I have to mention, I do make a small charge for my services." "Oh, here we go." " Zip it, you!" "Of course, Sue." "I entirely understand." "50 euros." " 50 euros?" "You taking the piss?" "Who have you got coming through, Ronnie Biggs?" "True psychic ability does require some form of recompense." "My father's chakra was once penetrated by Genghis Khan." "He was laid up for days." "We'll sort the money out at the end." "Can we just get on with it, please?" "Yes, well, as long as you don't forget." "Aahh!" "(SUE TALKING GIBBERISH)" "I don't suppose I could have a large brandy, could I?" "That's all she's come for, to scam you for money and a free bar." "Liam!" "Where's your manners?" "Joyce, do you think we could have a..." "Joyce?" "Joyce!" " Whoo!" "Who is it?" "Did somebody come through?" "She wants a brandy." " Oh!" "Yes, of course." "I'll have one, too." " Four brandies." "Don't like brandy." "I never asked you what you want." "Two are for me." "SUE:" "Ohh!" "Ohh!" "Psst." " Uhh!" "Psst!" "Do excuse me for just a moment, Sue." "(SOFTLY) Go." "What do you want?" "I'm telling you, she's only here for what she can get out of ya." "She's about psychic as I am." "This is a gifted woman, whose only interest is to reunite people with their dear departed relatives." "Now, do as you're told." "Ooh!" "Ahh!" " I'm sorry about that, Sue." "He won't be a minute." "Ahh, ohh..." "I'm quite peckish." "I don't suppose you've got anything to eat, have you?" "♪ Good morning, miss Can I help you, son?" "♪ Sixteen today And up for fun" "♪ I'm a big boy now Or so they say" "♪ So if you'll serve me I'll be on my way" "♪ Box of balloons With the feather-light touch..." "I've not seen sight nor sound of his wife, have you?" "What do you think's gone on?" "Mick?" " I don't know, do I?" "Ask our Michael." "What do you reckon, Mam?" "Do you think they've split up?" "Mam?" "Well, I don't know." "Hey, Michael, what's going on with them?" "Why ain't his wife here?" "Have you not spoken to your mate?" "Yeah." " Well?" "Well, that's their business." "You wouldn't like it if everyone was gossiping about you behind your back." "Fat chance of that." "I've got nothing to gossip about." "♪ I'm up to date Gotta date today" "♪ So if you'll serve me I'll be on my way" "♪ Welcome to the house of fun Now I've come of age... ♪" "Same one again?" " Yes, thanks, love." "The big man with the red face, he's not with you tonight?" "Me husband?" "No, he's gone off with a woman from Merthyr Tydfil." "Okay, I'm sorry to hear this." "Do you want to sit at the singles table?" "No, the woman who my husband is staying with, well, her husband is staying with me." "I'm sorry I asked." " Yeah." "I'm starting to feel the same way." "Do you fancy giving us a song, Madge?" "Yeah, put me down for What Kind of Fool Am I?" "Sammy Davis Jr." "Well, you've got the look but have you got the voice?" "Mick!" " I'm only trying to lighten the mood." "Oh, what's that one Mel used to like?" "Boulevard of Broken Dreams." "Mother, why are you being like this?" "You've done a good thing." "You were about to be ripped off, we saw it coming and put a stop to it." "And I'll tell you why." "Because all the time I felt Mel's presence." "I actually felt him guiding me, telling me what to do." "I bet I know what was saying." " Go on." ""Don't let the short arse bastard pull the wool over your eyes, princess," ""we've been done like this before."" "Is that supposed to be an impression of Mel?" "Yeah." " Just sounded like you were constipated." "Yes, that's exactly what he's been saying." "Thanks, son." "I'll drink to that." "Here's to Mel." "To Mel." "Let's have a look here." "MADGE:" "I think I will do a song, Janice." "Yep, fire away." "Uh, I Lost My Heart..." "In San Francisco." "No." "To a Starship Trooper." "It was one of Mel's favourites." "I shall look forward to that." "Uh, same again please, son." "SUE:" "Ohhh!" "Ahhh!" "(SUE TALKING GIBBERISH)" "KENNETH:" "Mother?" "Is that you, Mother?" "You're not making any sense." "Ahhh!" "You need to stop." "Need to stop him." "Need to stop who?" "I was wrong, princess." "You need to go with him." "You need to get the money." "Las Vegas, princess!" "You must go to Las Vegas!" "What money?" " Ahhh!" "Ahhh!" " Who are you?" "Oh, just piss off, I wanna speak to me mother!" "(SUE STOPS SHOUTING)" "Oh, my God, she's dead!" "JOYCE:" "She isn't dead, she's just exhausted." "I remember my father was occupied by Liberace for three hours in the late '80s." "He was like a wet rag by the end of it." "Well, he would be." "Oh!" "Oh, that's it." "SUE:" "Oh, I can't do any more." "What do you mean, that's it?" "Did you get to speak to your mother?" "No, I bloody well didn't." "Who came through, then?" "Whoever it was, they were very persistent." "We've no idea, you were just sat there banging on about Las Vegas." "Las Vegas?" "Well, was your mother born in Las Vegas?" "Yeah, of course, oh, she's probably trying to get in touch with me brothers Siegfried and Roy." "Really?" " No, not really, you daft cow." "Oh, what a waste of time." "Oh well, I'm going to have to go home now because, you know, I am absolutely shattered." "Oh, brilliant!" "I usually charge 50 euros for a session but as you've only really had half a session," "I'm willing to come down to 25." "25 euros?" "You're having a laugh, aren't you?" "You drank that much in brandy." "And high-quality nibbles." "Do you mean you are not going to pay me?" "For what?" "A few gurgles and the worst Elvis impression this side of Benidorm?" "And there's a few contenders for that." " Yeah." "Oh well, you can kiss goodbye to my custom here then." "(SARCASTICALLY) Oh, God, what are we gonna do without your 6 euros for a shampoo and set once a month?" "Liam, call in the receivers." "Well, I'll just see myself out, then." "Do, and don't bother coming back 'cause you're barred." "But being a brilliant psychic, you probably already knew that." "Go on, get out!" " Ohh!" "What a washout that was." "Oh, I'm sorry, Kenneth, I told you it was all rubbish." "I know, love." "JOYCE:" "If only my father was alive." "He could have introduced you to as many dead people as you want." "I'm sorry, Mrs Temple Savage, but I don't agree." "There's no such thing as ghosts, poltergeists, things that go bump in the night." "It's just our desperate need to keep loving those that are no longer with us." "The dead are just that, dead." "Gone, but hopefully not forgotten." "Yeah, you're right." "I mean, if the dead could speak," "I'd hope they'd do a lot more than just make a middle-aged woman slump in a chair and speak in a funny voice." "(ALL SCREAMING)" "♪ I lost my heart to a starship trooper" "♪ Ooh!" "♪ Tell me, Captain Strange, won't you be my lover?" "♪ You're the best thing that I've ever discovered" "♪ Flash Gordon's left me He's gone to the stars" "#And evil Darth Vader had me banished to Mars..." "Oi, Mateo, have you seen Temple Savage?" "No, she has not been here tonight." "What is the problem?" "Ah, there's no problem." "She just asked me to do an internet search on that fella that was here, Buck A. Roo." "Oh, yeah?" "Yep, turns out it was his real name." "Hey!" "How did you let get on with your mate?" "What mate?" " Buck." "Did you find your money?" "Oh, my God!" "What's the matter?" " Me dad's just told him to piss off." "♪ Requesting your position it's their final demand" "♪ You're turning up Oh!" "Oh!" "♪ So if you're gonna take me... ♪" "Get off!" "Get off the stage!" "Oh, piss off, it's not your turn." "What's going on?" "Leave her alone." "I told you I'd put you down for Sex on Fire." "It's real!" " What?" "The little Oompa Loompa fella." "What're you going on about?" " The money, Vegas, it's all real!" "JANICE:" "Oh, my God!" "Mother, where's your phone?" "I deleted his number." "You've got his card." " I chucked it away!" "Oh, my God!" " Come on." "Here, Janice, help me." "Come on, come on!" "Let's go!" "CLIVE:" "Hey!" "MADGE:" "Wait, I can't run as fast as you!" "Anyway, as I was saying," "I was thinking of going to Paraplegic tonight." "Lf you fancy it." " Excuse me?" "It's a club." "It starts late but all the banging places do." "Oh, you're here, hiding behind the pillar." "I've been sitting here on me own." "I wasn't hiding." "This is er, my mate, Tiger." "WOMAN:" "Hello, Tiger!" "Is this the one you wanted to have a threesome with?" "Oh, no, no, no!" "What?" "That's my dad." "Your dad?" "You said you were 38." "He's 52!" "Listen, son, go and sit over there, I'll be with you in a minute." "And leave you with this old slapper?" "You've got to be joking." "I beg your pardon!" "He's a married man." "You said you were divorced." " Look, just shut up!" "You're gonna let him speak to me like that?" "You said you were divorced." "(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)" "You know, you're a very accommodating woman, Jacqueline." "You what?" " You're very understanding to your husband's needs." "Well, we're just very secure in our relationship." "Yes." "Yes, I realise that now." "I've never been unfaithful to my wife." "Right." "I've always been totally monogamous through choice." "Just not my choice." "When Riannon went on her first "weaving" holiday," "I must admit I had my suspicions about her intentions, and in a fit of jealous rage" "I tried it on with our neighbour," "Bethan." "And do you what she did?" "She laughed." "She took one look at me and laughed." "Am I that much of a joke?" "Maybe she thought you weren't serious." "Well, I'm serious now." "I'm going upstairs." "And all I'm saying is" "I won't be pulling the wardrobe in front of the door." "Not this time." "That's all I'm saying." "(BELCHING)" "Your friend, he does not want roly-poly?" "He does, but he won't be getting it from me." "JANICE:" "I think I should change me shoes." "You can't, we ain't got time to change." " Wait up." "I don't know, do I?" "You can always write a letter to her." "Excuse me, mate, I just need to get through..." "May I see your boarding pass?" "No, we don't have boarding passes." "Can I just go through for five minutes?" "I'm sorry, but you have to collect your boarding passes first." "We can't, we haven't got any tickets." "Then why are you here?" "Just get out of our way." "It's jobsworths like you brought the Spanish economy to its knees." "Nice one, Madge Paxman." "He's there." " JANICE:" "Where?" "There, look." " Oh, eh, Mr Roo?" "MICK:" "Can I just go through?" "Please?" " No, no, no." "(ALL CLAMOURING)" "You came!" "Oh, I'm so sorry we said what we said." "It's just that you told us..." "Okay, are they coming in or are you going out?" "Oh, I do, do apologise." "MADGE:" "Oh, we really didn't mean to send you packing like that." "It's just that everything that you said sounded so unbelievable." "Oh, there's no call for an apology." "I've been through this many times." "Someone showed me your bits on the internet." "That sounded wrong." "My dear friends, I cannot tell you how gratifying it is to see you again." "I'm in a strange business." "It's a wonderful but a very strange business." "Lots of travel, an awful lot of hard work, but it commonly results in the same conclusion," "I make people's dreams come true." "Come with me, will you?" "On this fantastic journey?" "You all right, Mam?" "Mel..." "Mel always said he'd look after me." "He said he'd look after us all." "MADGE:" "And I never doubted him." "I never doubted him." "Ever." " Come here." "So, how much money are we talking about?" "I know you said millions, but seriously?" "For certain, we don't know yet." "But I can give you my personal guarantee on one consideration." "What's that?" "You will all live happily ever after." "(MIMICS GUNSHOT WHOOSH)" "BUCK:" "Tickets!" "Tickets!" "(INDISTINCT CHATTER)" "MICK:" "Hey, is that champagne?" "MICHAEL:" "Oh, for God's sake, one glass, I'm nearly 16." "MICK:" "I'm not bothered about that, I just don't wanna have to pay for it." "BUCK:" "Don't worry, Mr Garvey, this trip is what you might call "all-inclusive"." "JANICE:" "You think we'll ever go back to Benidorm, Mam?" "MADGE:" "Who knows?" "Never say never." "MICK:" "I'll drink to that." "ALL:" "Cheers!" "Ripped By mstoll"