"_" "Trent: [ Laughs ] That is a great story." "You're very funny." "Sam:" "I was just telling you about my struggle to find my" " birth parents, and you just-- Trent:" " Yeah, I know." "I heard that story." "It was really boring." "Look, I got a great story about a trio of sexy time travelers called The Time Angels." "For centuries, an elite and sexy group of agents from the future has worked to protect our past." "They are..." "The Time Angels." "I'm Dash." "I'll kick your ass." "Ticktock." "I'm Clock." "[ Ding!" "]" "My name is Millie." "It's kind of a regular name." "Trent:" "They repair tears in the fabric of time so our world can function properly." "Time slide!" "[ Electricity crackles ]" "If you don't bang the shit out of your boyfriend tonight, the universe as we know it will cease to exist." "Okay." "Let's do it!" "Trent:" "They never know where they're going or what their mission will be." "[ Grunting ]" "All:" "Time Angels!" "[ Electricity crackling ]" "When the hell are we?" "Time Angels, welcome to 1869." "Trent:" "The Time Angels were sent to the Old West." "Their mission-- to save the Transcontinental railroad." "Here we are on this beautiful day to commemorate the completion of the Transcontinental railroad." "If you ask me, trains is just a fad, like hoop skirts and toilets." "So I might as well introduce you to a man who thinks he knows better." "And I guess he's got the right, since he is the President of these United States of America, General Ulysses S. Grant." "Let's give him a hand." "Thank you, Mr. Dent." "Yesterday, we joined the north and the south." "Today, we join the east and the west." "On this auspicious occasion, I will hammer the golden sp" "Where is it?" "The golden spike?" "Listen to me" " There is a train coming in three hours." "If that spike is not in place, that train will derail." "Find it, Simmons!" "[ Clears throat ]" "Before we get to hammering that golden spike, I'd like to regale you with a tale of my cat, Lady Giggles." "Hmm." "Maybe the railroad can't run until we find the President's cat." "This is gonna be the cutest mission ever." "Someone stole the spike, you dumbass." "We've got to find it." "I can't imagine what happened to that golden spike." "It seems like everything hinges on it." "Yeah, be a real tragedy." "Without that spike, train might derail, and every man, woman, and child and orphan on board will die." "And then no one will ever want to ride the train again." "And my covered-wagon business will reign supreme." "[ Chuckles evilly ]" "But I was just..." "laughing 'cause it'd-- it'd be so terrible." "[ Chuckles evilly ]" "If memory serves, that's stagecoach magnate Theodore Dent." "If anyone has anything to gain from the spike going missing, it's him." "Such good luck he walked by as he was saying just exactly that." "More like good timing." "We get it." "I'll go into the saloon and keep an eye on Dent." "I'll shake down the miners, see if they know anything." "I'll survey the town, see if there's any sign of Lady Giggles." " We're not looking for the President's cat!" " Good." "Go find that guy Dent was with." "See if you can find out anything from him." " Time Angels..." "All:" " Investigate!" "Go." "[ Train whistle blows ]" "[ Crying ]" "Oh, help!" "Help!" " Are you a gold miner?" " I am." "My gold's been stolen!" "This is kind of a bad part of town." "I never should have trusted that evil person." " What evil person?" " Me." "[ Electricity crackles ] Ugh!" "Just a "miner" setback... because, you know, you're a gold miner." "[ Chuckles ]" "[ Sighs ]" "No spike in here-- only gold." "Hmm." "[ Grunting ]" "Hi there." "I'm new in time-- I mean, in town." "And I'm a, uh, I'm a newspaper reporter." "A Chinaman and a newspaper reporter?" "[ Scoffs ]" "Well, now I've seen everything." "I write for the, uh, the Peking Daily." "The Peking Daily?" "Well, yeah, I heard of that." "I'll start with a question that I ask everybody-- did you happen to steal a golden railroad spike?" "No, uh, I wouldn't steal anything." "The name's James." "Well, you must know more than that, James." "I mean, for instance, I saw you talking to Theodore Dent earlier, the covered-wagon magnate." "Well, yeah." "I take care of his horse Jojo." "Do you think he'd steal a spike?" "And if he did, where would he keep it?" "Well, I suppose he'd keep it in his jacket pocket, but he wouldn't want nothing to do with it." "He hates the railroad." "I'll ask you one last question-- where did you get those pretty blue eyes?" "Well, my mother had blue eyes, my father had blue eyes, and..." "Hey, where's your notebook?" " Where's your notebook?" " What?" "Mm-hmm." "Kidder." "[ Laughs ]" "Oh, Millie, how's it going?" "I've been keeping an eye on Dent-- No sign of the spike, though." "I'm gonna get close and see what I can find out." "Okay, I'll find Dash." "[ Mid-tempo piano music plays ]" "Oh, you must be the new prostitute." " What?" " You're late." " What?" "What do you mean?" " Now, get upstairs and get to work." "We can figure out your start paperwork later." "You'll get your welcome basket with your tiger balm and your shame towel." "I don't think I can have sex with those men." "Oh, don't worry about it, honey." "Most of 'em just want to have someone to sit there and watch them cry." "I mean, you might have to have sex with one of 'em, but look at the bright side." "Okay." "But I'm the smart one." ""Four score and seven beers ago..."" "Come on." "Drunk Abraham Lincoln." "[ Laughter ]" "Thank you, ma'am." "What are you still doing here?" "Get the spike!" "But that's a pillow!" "[ Train whistle blows ]" "Well, you have certainly earned your five-minute break, but keep it loose and limber." " Don't tighten up, okay?" " Okay." "Maybe put on a little lotion." "Rusty, why don't you get her a drink?" "Drink up, baby." " Can you make a whiskey sour?" " Whiskey sour?" "Well, look at the new girl in town-- every bit as exotic as her cocktail." " [ Chuckles ] You flatter, Mr..." " Dent" " Theodore Dent, because I do "thee-adore" thee." "[ Chuckles ]" "But I'm the smart one." " No to you." " No to you." " No to you." "[ Both laugh ]" "Why would anybody want to get on a train and go someplace else when everything they need is sitting right there in front of them?" "Nothing would get me more aroused than seeing proof that the railroad will be stopped." "Well, little lady, this here's your lucky day." "You stole the spike?" "I did, indeed." "Indeed, I did." "Well, I'm stealing it back." "[ Clang!" "]" "[ Train whistle blows ]" "So the other day, I'm in the water closet, and my wife shouts, "President Lincoln has been shot!"" "And I'm like, "Uh, okay." "Kind of busy in here with the diarrhea."" "Dash!" " Yo, Grant!" "Check it!" " Thank you." "Nail that sucker in." "Ladies and gentlemen" " Ugh!" " You squirrelly little minx." " Listen up!" "I ain't gonna let that train through!" "This here's a one-horse town, and I own that horse, and her name is Jojo." "But that train is full of orphans and stuff." "You can't let it crash." "Jojo is worth 10 trainloads of orphans..." "and one dead president." "Too soon!" "Too soon!" "I'm gonna teach you little ladies a lesson." "Sorry, Dent." "We just don't have the time." "[ Grunting ]" "[ Shing!" "]" "Dent!" "Stop what you're doing..." "or this becomes..." "[ Gun cocks ] ...a no-horse town." "James, no!" "Please don't shoot Jojo." "Look at what you're doing." "I don't know what I've been thinking." "Dear God." "I've been obsessing over this train." "What good is all my wealth if-- if I'm unkind to my fellow man, if I have no one to share it with?" "Right my little, Minxey?" "I'm the smart one." "And I'm the tough one." "Ohh!" "And I'm the cute one." "[ Grunting ]" "[ Spits ]" "[ Electricity crackles ]" "You're welcome." " Who are you?" " What do you care, homey?" "We just saved the whole town." " You just killed Teddy." " No time for romance, James." " I have to go." " Call me Jesse." "[ Smooches ]" " Jesse James." " Mm." "No relation to the famous bank robber, just the same name." "[ Footsteps ]" "I'm in love with a Chinaman." "Thank you, proud, mysterious, and violent women of the Orient." "All:" "Time slide!" "[ Electricity crackling ]" "Whoo-ee!" "[ Chuckles ]" "Looks like time slides when you're having fun." "Trent:" "And that's how my great-great-great-grandfather saved the Intercontinental railroad." "Thank you." "Thank you very much." "Sam:" "No, don't clap for that." "Your grandfather didn't actually do anything." "He was barely in the story." "The Time Angels did everything." "They saved the railroad." "He just showed up at the end and said a pun." "It's kind of like what you always do." "Trent:" "Yeah, it's pretty great, right?" "Sam:" "Why didn't you just call that story "The Time Angels Save The Railroad Story"?" "Trent:" "Because what would be the pun in that?" "Sam:" " Boo." "Trent:" " Pay the bill." " I got to get out of here." "Sam:" " I don't have my wallet." "Trent, um..." "Last week on Time Angels..." "[ Electricity crackles ]" "Ohh!" "I guess he's shocked to see us?"