"¶" "[thunder]" "My coach always told me that in order to achieve success you must visualize your dreams." "But more importantly, you have to believe it." "For me, that vision has always been clear." "NBA superstar and married to Kim, the love of my life." "If this all sounds farfetched to you, you probably haven't seen me play." "My name is Chris Long." "And tonight" "I realize my destiny." "¶ If it weren't for the boy" "¶ Who felt like whatever he did ¶" "¶ Wasn't good enough" "¶ Was different than every kid ¶" "¶ But wait, deep down inside ¶" "¶ There was a genius within" "¶ And his heart was of gold and hope was eager to win ¶" "¶ Was so sick and tired of all these people ¶" "¶ Sneaking on him" "¶ No, he would come and attack by the evil again ¶" "¶ And his family's poor" "¶ He swore he would feed them again ¶" "¶ But on his way out there goes the Grim Reaper again ¶" "¶ They put him in the coliseum ¶" "¶ To be food for the lions" "¶ But he cut right through 'em like the man on fire ¶" "¶ With my heart of Leonidas ¶" "¶ He fought through all them riots ¶" "¶ Cause he was one bad man stick his nose to the choir ¶" "¶ But this world was deep in for you ¶" "¶ Bloodlines went back to the people ¶" "Look at this crowd, the feeling here is electric." "All that anticipation for this epic showdown between LA Tech and Rock Falls Pioneers." "But the big story here is the heroic play of senior phenom Chris Long." "He has literally put this team on his back and carried them into their first final appearance in 23 years." "How about that?" "That's right, Jeff." "Chris Long has had four, count 'em, four consecutive Temple doubles." "He shows no sign of stopping." "He will easily go top five in the draft this year." "Top five?" "What's wrong with you?" "How about the top pick?" "How do you spell MVP?" "Chris Long." "Watch out NBA, here comes Long." "Okay, Kim is a ho for sho'." "Chris deserves so much better than her." "Brittany, it's your turn." "Truth or dare?" "Truth." "Who would you rather fuck?" "David Beckham, Tom Brady, or Chris Long?" "Duh, Chris Long!" "¶" "Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris!" "Oh, my God!" "No, no, Dick, it looks like it's his knee, this could be serious." "This is a crack in the team's armor they do not need right now." "Oh, this hurts just to look at." "¶" "¶" "Kimmy-poo." "Ah, what are you doing?" "Thought you weren't supposed to be back for another hour." "What's with the suitcase?" "Don't be so emotional, Chris." "I'm, I'm not being emotional." "I don't have time for this, Daddy's waiting." "But everything's in the note." "Whoa, whoa, Kim, slow down." "What's going on, where are you going?" "You have three and a half years of college left." "This is your dorm room." "You're an art major." "I thought you, you loved my paintings." "Yuck." "Kim, you can't listen to what coaches and doctors and physical therapists and everyone else at the school says." "I'm getting drafted." "You're delusional." "Wake up." "Kim!" "Kim, wait!" "¶" "¶" "Loud and clear, all right, talk to you later." "All right, Mr. Long." "So, yeah, over here." "That was my boss on the phone." "Sorry that took so long, it's not just your thing," "I've got a sexual harassment suit thing against me." "Whatever, you know, bitches be crazy, you know?" "Bitches also don't like being called bitches in the boardroom, so, you live and you learn." "Anyway, good news for you." "He actually thinks you look like a professional basketball player." "Awesome, so does that mean I get the loan?" "What?" "No, God no, not even, were you serious about that?" "No, you uh, you have no assets to speak of besides the size of your balls for even asking for that amount of money." "In fact, he thinks it's a real estate scam." "No, no, no, no, it's not a scam." "Okay." "And uh, look, I need this loan, okay?" "I, I owe a lot of rent and" "Oh, well then, here, take the money." "You know, would you, no, it's no, it's no." "I don't know where you're from, but this is America, okay?" "And in America financial institutions work with rules and regulations." "You know?" "It keeps us out of economic des" "I mean, actually it lead to economic destruction right now, currently." "That's, that's on us, admittedly, but we've learned." "Probably a lot of it was from giving loans to people like you, let's be honest, I'm just saying." "And I don't appreciate the death stare, by the way, so if you could put that in your pocket as you leave." "But, look, okay?" "I understand, all right?" "You're desperate." "If I could offer you some advice, if you wouldn't mind, just one guy to another, okay?" "Get the fuck out of my office." "¶" "¶" "Six AM, papi, notten." "¶" "¶" "Hello?" "Excuse me?" "Hello?" "We need some help here." "There are like, so many membership packages." "We, like, don't know what we want." "Oh, my God." "You look so familiar." "Where do we know him from?" "I think he was at the club last night, remember?" "No, he wasn't at the club." "We saw him at the market, remember?" "He as at the salad bar." "Oh, my God, no, wait, you played for LA Tech, didn't you?" "OMG, you're that basketball guy, right?" "May I help you ladies?" "So how did you end up in here?" "Yeah, you work here now?" "I like, totally do work here." "Isn't that, like, crazy?" "Are you mocking us?" "Gosh." "This is the rudest gym we've ever been to." "The rudest." "You need deodorant." "Elvira wants her hairdo back." "Excuse me, young ladies, hi, I'm Missy, hi." "Holy Jesus, Chris, you really, really gave it to 'em, huh?" "Bitches, right?" "Amen, brother." "Are you gonna let him speak to our customers like that?" "Cus-, they didn't buy anything." "Did they buy anything?" "How are we supposed to get more business with you scaring everybody off?" "Did you really want the Hilton freaks working out here, Missy?" "The bitches have money, so, yeah." "I don't give a fuck if they wanna snort lines in the sauna." "Well, thank you for your input." "Now if you'll excuse me I'm gonna get back to some work." "You mean staring at that skinny bitch's" "Facebook page again." "Miho, you need to go out and get laid, for Christ's sakes, let a girl play with your dick for all of our benefits." "News flash, I make minimum wage which makes me about as attractive to women as a yeast infection." "You're disgusting." "You're disgusting." "What's up dicksfit?" "Seen the numbers on my YouTube video?" "I'm up to 104 views." "About to make that sneezing panda my bitch." "Bro, you're getting the floor all wet." "You're getting the kitchen all ugly." "Hey, Chris." "Don't you fucking talk to her." "I'm not even talking to you." "You getting smart with me, man?" "I'm an orange belt, I'll make you my prison bitch." "Are we done?" "I'm never done, Chris." "I got 20 more laps and an hour more worth of legs and I'm not gonna stop till I feel like I'm back in college and there's a fucking party in the quad." "God, I love Mondays!" "¶" "Hello, Chris." "You look a little bit down." "Maybe I can cheer you up with a little bit of a tap dance." "¶" "What are you doing?" "I have an audition as a British tap dancer." "How'd I do?" "Have you tried that maximum strength antiperspirant?" "Yes, I have tried it." "Paycheck time." "What are you guys talking about, sports?" "Know, I uh, I've been hit with a few dodge balls back in my time." "We should get a hoop out back, huh?" "Play a little B-ball." "I don't play basketball anymore, Todd." "Why not?" "I used to hear about you all the time." "Chris Long scores 30." "Chris Long's unstoppable." "My dad said you were the best." "[engine races]" "¶" "He's excited to know that we're on the same team now." "¶" "Pardon me." "Jack Guy." "¶ Jack Guy" "¶ Ja-, Ja-, Jack Guy" "¶ Jack Guy" "¶ Ja-, Ja-, Jack Guy" "¶ Who's that guy" "¶ Jack Guy" "¶ Jack Guy" "¶ Ja-, Ja-, Jack Guy" "¶ Oooh, Jack Guy" "¶ Is that guy" "¶ Oooh, Jack Guy" "Jack Guy?" "Is that even a real name?" "Stop being a little bitch." "Todd said not all of us are gonna get fired." "Does that mean some of us getting fired." "Big changes are coming Todd, it's gonna be awesome." "Oh, can you change the lock on that?" "I'm gonna hit the Starbucks for a green tea latte." "I'll be back in 20-ish, all right?" "Ah, Schmitty." "What the hell's going on?" "You hit that club last night?" "I heard it was hopping." "Oh, yeah, your world's about to get fucked up." "¶" "Todd." "What's up?" "You tell us, motherfucker." "We have a new owner?" "What about your dad?" "He uh, said he was tired of losing money on a business just to keep me employed and he wishes he would have strapped up 30 years ago." "Well, we can't be fired." "In this freaking economy, no one is hiring and I know because I tried to find extra work." "Okay, calm down." "Nobody's getting fired." "Uh, Todd, who is this Jack Guy guy anyway?" "You stinky pigs." "Do you realize you have a business unattended outside?" "Anybody care?" "And your gross sewage pipes are leaking stank into my salon." "Meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh." "That's all I heard." "Take the dicks out of your ears, genius, okay?" "Because Todd, I told you last week." "I told you the week before that." "And you told him the week before that, too, bitch." ""Beach", really?" "Okay, people love the beach." "Welcome to America, bitch." "Oh, really?" "Ironic coming from a girl that looks like a Chihuahua." "What is this, "West Side Story"?" "You guys aren't gonna do nothing?" "You're gonna stand there?" "Did you guys choreograph this?" "Well, if you put this much effort into your goddamn gym it wouldn't suck so fucking bad, all right?" "Peace out, motherfuckers." "Smell that, that's much better." "Did you know he currently holds the title world's first ever male supermodel?" "He's dated Kate Beckinsale, Cameron Diaz, and is currently married to Adriana Lima." "The Victoria's Secret supermodel?" "I bet even his dick has a six pack." "And he's an all Ivy League quarterback for Yale." "Record breaker, 28 touchdowns in one game." "How do you know all this?" "I Google, Facebook, MySpace, Wikipedia, and Twittered him." "Plus, he told me." "Holy Sherlock." "Check her out, homes." "Whoa." "¶" "Look at that slippery fuck toy." "Uh, yeah, what I would do to her would be illegal in most states." "Holy shit." "Mr. Guy's got some moves." "You mean Gay Namath?" "Bet I can tell you exactly what he's saying." ""Hi, I'm Jack, Jack Guy." ""My dimples could cure cancer." ""I'm a supermodel and I throw footballs really far."" ""Oh, my God, your name's so cool." ""Your wallet's so big." ""I promise if you treat me like shit," ""I will love you forever."" "Missy's right, dude, you need therapy." "Bro, you wear a Speedo." "Did you guys hear the good news?" "We're gonna be on TV." "Yes!" "I have been training three years for "Ninja Warrior."" "Out of the way, I'm doing legs." "It'll be like "The Office" except we're in a gym." "Those are the basics of the reality show." "¶" "The less you know, the better." "I wanna be clear on one thing." "We are a team." "We have no favorites." "Everyone will get plenty of screen time." "¶" "And I'd like the world to get to know each and every one of you, 'cause I sense greatness in this room." "Um, I have a question." "What if we don't want our lives on display?" "[laughing]" "¶" "Everybody loves the limelight." "And the best part about this?" "This is only the beginning of the Dumbbells experience." "Dumbbells?" "That's our new name, Dumbbells 25/8." "25/8?" "Exactly." "'Cause 24/7's for pussies." "We're Dumbbells all the time." "Speak for yourself." "So does that mean we get extra hours?" "Negativo, operating hours remain the same." "So then how can we be called 25/8?" "Perception is reality." "Dumbbells 25/8, but we're still open from six to nine." "Wow." "Actually Cliff, in today's economy reality shows have proven to be a viable mechanism to increase business profits by as much as 300%." "Like "Sunset Tan"." "Precisely, Bobby." "Three hundred percent?" "And speaking of percentages," "I'm gonna need everybody to give that little bit extra." "So if you've been at 100, I need you at 150." "And if you've been at 10%," "I suggest a complete attitude adjustment." "¶" "Attitude adjustment?" "Ten fucking percent?" "Okay, so now Mr. Hollywood says we won't get any extra pay or benefits for being on the show." "And he wants us to sign some bullshit contract." "Contract?" "Don't sign no contract." "I quit." "I am fucking done." "I would rather deliver pizza for Domino's than work for Captain Fuckwad." "[speaking Spanish]" "I thought about going pro, but with so many modeling offers" "I figured, why risk it." "Cliff, may I help you?" "Actually, it's Chris." "He's uh, he's good looking." "If you like that cheesy washed-up daytime television soap opera star look." "Too bad he's also married." "I know." "Hey, Jack, can I get your help out back?" "There's shit everywhere." "Oh, hey, I'm Todd." "Hi, I'm Jack's niece, Rachel." "Oh, nice to meet you." "Chris, my office, ten minutes sharp." "Todd, move, oh my God, you reek." "¶ [knocking]" "Jack?" "Yeah." "You wanted to see me?" "Yes." "Come on in." "I could come back." "No, no, take a seat." "Are you sure?" "Yeah, sit down." "We need to talk." "First and foremost," "I've got two troubling words for you." "Cock block." "I'm sorry?" "Cock block." "So you were hitting on your niece?" "It's a metaphor." "This show is like my fat, pulsating cock." "And nobody's gonna block it." "And, Mr. Smart Alec, you didn't know she was my niece." "But" "But nothing, tall guy." "Todd told me you were some sort of hot shot hoops star back in the day." "That's great, I was an athlete, too." "But I guess your coach didn't teach you about a little thing known as teamwork." "You go outside right now and you ask ten people, even girls, if they like a cock block." "And you're gonna get ten nos." "Jack." "I just wanted to say bye." "Rach." "Six AM?" "Six AM, sharp." "Wow, cool fish." "You like it?" "Yeah." "Take it, it's yours." "What, really?" "Yeah, I think it was Todd's it's gonna be thrown out." "Consider it to be my gift to you for helping out on the show." "Thanks, wow, cool." "So I'll see you bright and early, okay?" "Yeah." "All right." "Jack." "Chris." "Let me make it really simple for ya, buddy." "Either you're a cock block or a Dumbbell." "You need to choose." "[alarm buzzing]" "Jeez." "¶" "¶ Girl, don't be shy" "¶ You can take a sneak peek when I walk on by ¶" "¶ Don't stare too long" "¶ 'Cause the 12 inch python just might bite ¶" "¶ I steal your coin" "¶ No shirts means I'm dressed to please ¶" "Hey, I'm a movie star." "Yeah, hey Momma, hey." "¶ The same as everybody" "¶ I'm always at the club" "¶ The life of every party" "¶ I know you love my body" "¶ The same as everybody" "Hey, look who's here." "Good morning, Dumbbell." "So, check out the new unis." "Not bad, huh?" "You got here three minutes late so you get the sleeves." "So what do you think?" "You don't waste any time." "Yup." "Dreams do come true." "Hey." "I'm glad you didn't pull a LeBron on us, teammate." "That's me, go team." "Come on, let's do this." "Day one of the rest of your life." "¶" "¶ I do my thing" "¶ Girl on the ground when I do my thing ¶" "¶ I'm at the gym all day" "¶ Bet your boyfriend wouldn't try to do the same ¶" "¶ I walk around struttin' my stuff ¶" "¶ Short shorts for the ladies trying to check my stuff ¶" "¶ Yeah, baby, you can look but you sure can't touch ¶" "¶ You ain't ready for my lovin' 'cause I like it rough ¶" "¶ I know you want my body ¶" "¶ The same as everybody" "Small." "Thank you, Jack Guy." "Jesus." "Really?" "Come on!" "Who sweats this much?" "Fuck you, fuck you." "¶ You should take a picture 'cause it lasts a lot longer ¶" "¶ Longer, longer" "Ah." "What sweating problem?" "¶" "Ahhh." "Feels so good to work out high." "What's up, Enrique I-gay-sius?" "What are you doing in the gym during serious training hour?" "Filming a show, right?" "Since when do you wanna film the show?" "Bobby, leave me alone." "Ah, I got it." "What are you, "Ah, I getting it" about?" "You wanna finger Jack's niece under a blanket." "So, I guess you made up with my uncle." "Hi." "Wow, you, you look fit." "Okay, this is awkward." "Great compliment." "So, you're the Chris Long." "You didn't think I'd figure it out, did ya?" "I didn't really take you for a basketball fan." "Wait, basketball?" "No, I was, I was referring to the fish." "Fish?" "It was signed "Chris Long"?" "The painting." "Right, yes." "Duh." "Wow, I'm, I'm impressed." "I can't believe you were able to read my signature, most people tell me it just looks like a C with a scar." "Good morning, everyone." "Welcome to the Dumbbells experience." "But first I'd like us all to give a big, warm," "Dumbbells welcome to our very own" "Dumbbell Girls." "¶" "I'd also like us to give a big hand to our very acclaimed director, famous for his award-winning short," ""I Think It's HPV" Mr. Sterling LeBoef Jones." "[speaking French]" "So now we're gonna do a little b-roll." "So please do me a fave, just pair up, work out, and, most importantly, just mingle." "Pretend like we're not even here." "Remember, it's all about looking hot." "So don't sweat." "All right, Dumbbells team out, let's do this." "So we're partners, right?" "Yes, yes, yes, we are." "Yeah, sorry." "That's cool." "I went to law school for a few years and then I thought to myself," ""Why the hell am I doing this?" ""I hate this."" "So I quit." "But I discovered what I loved which was psychotherapy." "Psychotherapy?" "Yup, I'm gonna be a therapist." "Really?" "Yeah, really." "Why, you sound surprised." "No, it's just funny because people are always telling me that I need therapy every day," ""You need therapy"." "Great stuff, keep going, I love the honesty." "Physical therapy, I mean." "And that is why I work out here." "Let's go, Dumbbells!" "Can you believe this shit?" "Yeah, it's a total exploitation of women." "I'm talking about Chris." "He's actually talking to her as if she's a person." "So what I wanna know is other than adorable fish, what else do you paint?" "Um..." "I uh, I don't really paint that much anymore." "You're good." "You should keep at it." "Are you drinking soda?" "Are you out of your fucking mind?" "I don't put that shit in my body." "I'm downing some COC." "Cellular Oxygen Creatine." "A liquid formula that triples my amino acid circulation while quadrupling my recovery time by five." "Plus, it tastes like cherries." "Woo!" "Are we ready for the exciting part of the show?" "[applause]" "In a few minutes we'll begin the athletic competitions to determine the King of the Gym." "Yes, yes!" "I'm fucking stoked!" "But first, I'm very proud to introduce our very own celebrity host." "Drum roll, please." "With great pleasure I would like to introduce the one, the only, the fabulous Fabio!" "[cheers and applause]" "¶" "¶ I'm sexy" "¶ Who's sexy" "¶ Who's sexier" "¶ She got a mean cat" "¶ But I got the eye of a tiger ¶" "¶ And I'ma go hunting" "¶ We gonna be humping like we on fire ¶" "¶ Come on baby, let's work it out ¶" "¶ Let's bring this party to the floor ¶" "¶ She's sexy, sexy" "¶ When she turns it right on ¶" "¶ She's sexy, sexy" "¶ When she breaks it down" "¶ She's sexy, sexy" "¶ When she turns around, turns around ¶" "¶ Breaks it down" "¶ Work it out, work it out ¶" "¶ Get your dumbbells girls, spread it out ¶" "¶ And get your workout on" "¶ Get your dumbbells girl, spread it out ¶" "¶ And get your workout on" "¶ Get your dumbbells girl, spread it out ¶" "¶ And get your workout on" "Eric, listen, I told you many time" "I don't want to do the reality TV show with a Kardashian." "Beside, the only good reality TV they make is when they make porn." "You know what, Chris?" "This, this is only the beginning." "We're getting in at the ground floor." "My goal is to be the Coca Cola of the film industry." "[speaking French]" "What?" "[speaking French]" "The lights look great, what are you talking about?" "Don't tell me it's not artistic." "I've got a show to run." "You ready, big guy?" "Yeah." "Hey, listen, don't feel like you have to do this, all right?" "'Cause I know my uncle can be a bit overzealous." "Wow, well, I appreciate that, but I think I can handle a little reality show competition." "You know, Sigmund Freud said" ""The ego is not the master in its own house."" "I thought he said, "The rhythm is gonna get ya."" "Just be careful, all right?" "Did she just imply that I have an ego?" "Little bit." "Okay, guys." "Let's have a good time, let's have some fun, but, most importantly, don't fuck up my shit." "We can't do that." "[speaking French]" "It's television." "The girls have to wear underwear." "Are you crazy?" "[speaking French]" "A, E, I, O, U." "Ready, Fabs?" "Oh, yeah, just give me a minute." "¶" "Fuck you, Seacrest, it's Fabio's time." "Oh, hello, America." "Fabio here." "Welcome to Dumbbells 25/8." "Let's meet our first contestant." "One is a wannabe actor, and the other one a washed-up hoops star." "They must remain in their position known as the breakdown stance." "Do not stop, do not stand up." "Ready, and go." "[applause]" "¶" "Go go!" "Come on." "¶" "¶" "[laughing]" "You are delusional." "Don't be so emotional." "You're a fuck-- fuck-- fucking" "Loser." "Loser." "Loser." "You're a loser." "You're delusional." "Wake up." "And the winner is Dre." "¶" "Chris, you're a pussy." "You all right?" "Fabio's kind of a dick, huh?" "But don't beat yourself up," "I thought you did great in there." "Right." "Look at the bright side." "You have a bad knee, yet you still competed." "So what'd you do?" "Did you try rehabilitating it?" "I did, I had some of the best physical therapists there were, actually." "And I was making really good progress." "The Miami Heat even invited me to their summer league." "Wow, that's amazing." "It was, it really was." "Until dinosaur-looking Chris Bosh stepped on my left ankle." "He made me fall on my face in front of Pat Riley and the whole coaching staff." "They cut me the next day." "The truth is I was never better than 50% after my injury." "Strange how life takes us in directions we least expect, huh?" "Tell me about it." "Okay." "Bullseye." "Here we go." "Did Chris Bosh step on your hand, too?" "Oh, wow!" "Someone is hilarious, huh?" "I try." "Hey, turd face!" "Some icky blonde tramp just threw up in front of my salon, and we can hear your music blasting." "Ivana..." "You know what?" "I'm gonna go." "Hello." "You're leaving?" "Yeah, I just, I have some schoolwork..." "You know what?" "You can talk to your girlfriend later, okay?" "Ivana, listen, okay?" "I know when you were a little brat your dad gave you all the puppies and ponies you wanted, but in the adult world you can take a time fucking out." "You know what?" "Time fucking in, Mister, okay?" "Because it wasn't a pony, it was a stallion." "His name was Prancer, and he was perfect." "And now he's dead, so fuck you." "Great." "¶ [phone rings]" "¶ [music slows, stops] [ringing continues]" "¶" "Hello?" "Hey, Chris, it's Kimmy." "Miss me?" "Of course you do." "Oh, my gosh, Daddy and I just got back from Saint-Tropez, you would not believe it!" "I am so channeling.... ¶" "¶" "Jack." "Chris." "What are you still doing here?" "Ah, I was just using the internet." "I didn't realize anyone was still here." "You don't have internet at home?" "Well, I kind of haven't paid the bill in like, seven months, so, no." "Ah, money problems, huh?" "Well, you know what they say." "Mo' money, mo' problems." "Yeah, what do they say about no money?" "Excuse me." "[speaking Spanish]" "So, you speak Spanish." "What a surprise." "Well, I did use to date Sofia Vergara." "Guess you could say it comes with the package." "Fuck you, seriously." "What are you even doing here still?" "Shouldn't you be at home spooning with your Victoria's Secret supermodel wife?" "Let me tell you something about me, Chris." "When I start filming something," "I never leave base camp." "It's 25/8, baby." "Could you put a towel on?" "Not a locker room guy, huh?" "More like not a cock in my face guy." "You all right?" "Yeah, I'm fine." "You don't sound fine." "I know that look." "What's her name?" "Jack." "Come on, spill the beans." "You remind me of my friend Tantu." "Tantu?" "Tantu Tantutututinko, my Native American friend." "He was a chef at the local diner at the reservation where I do my sweat lodges with the Bee Gees." "Let me tell ya, nobody can poach an egg like Tantu." "He used to always say that he was fine, but he wasn't." "I could see it all over his Indian face and I see the same look on your face right now, Chris." "Can you stop?" "Just stop." "Okay." "I know what to do." "Get comfortable, buddy." "What are you doing?" "Bro." "Therapy saved my life." "Okay." "And how does that apply to me?" "I don't need therapy." "What is with you people?" "She said that she loved me and she didn't love me." "She left, she didn't even say goodbye, she left a note." "It wasn't even goodbye." "And then I say, "Guess what, Kim?" ""I don't even wanna play in the NBA anyway," ""you materialistic fuck!" ""Why don't you go whiten your teeth again?" ""Why don't you throw up that hamburger" ""in the toilet again?" ""You don't think I can hear it?" ""I can hear it every time!"" "I guess what bothers me the most is obsessively pondering over what I could have been." "My true potential." "NBA star, happily married to Kim, or anything other than what I am now." "Chris, sometimes we need to lose everything that we think we want in order to discover who it is that we really are." "That's deep." "It's a magnet on my refrigerator." "$75,000." "Starting salary." "Sounds like a fucking bitch." "I just, I don't get her." "Why now?" "I mean, where's she been and why do I still give a shit?" "Don't beat yourself up, pal." "Every woman's got a vagenda." "The question is whether it's the right one for you." "Did you say "vagenda"?" "That injury was the best thing that could ever happen to you." "That injury saved your life." "Do you really think the two of you could have ever been happy together?" "Yes." "No." "You know what?" "You're right again." "I don't, I don't need her and I don't need her daddy's money, and I've got things going on in my life." "I've got, I've got Jack Guy." "I've got Dumbbells 25/8, right?" "That's right, brother." "You know what?" "I feel good right now." "I feel clear." "I feel one with the universe or something." "I feel, I feel taller." "I feel light." "Everybody should try therapy at least once." "It's not like people haven't tried to tell me that." "Especially Missy." "Did you know that Missy and Dre take a two hour bus ride to get here every day?" "From downtown." "Really?" "I feel like I've been a jerk to those guys." "I feel like I wanna do something nice for them." "Well, we could start by brightening their day." "¶" "Hey, dumbass, did you forget to lock the door last night?" "I was a little tipsy." "Wait, do you hear music?" "¶" "¶ I used to think maybe you loved me ¶" "¶ Now baby I'm sure" "¶" "¶ And I just can't wait till the day ¶" "Good morning!" "First, I'd like to say that I think you're both equally amazing and I'm sorry from the bottom of my heart for being an a-hole." "And I appreciate both of you." "You see, Missy, you are like my rock." "You're my foundation that keeps me sturdy." "And, Dre, you're like the rainbow that shines above those rocks." "And not like a gay rainbow, but a masculine rainbow with muted colors." "Who are you and what have you one with Chris?" "Hey, there he is!" "Day two, baby." "Nice wheels." "Something wrong?" "Yeah, you know what's wrong." "Your check bounced, you asshole." "What?" "There must be some mistake." "I mean, come on, Fabs, you know I'm good for it." "Listen, don't call me Fabs, it's Fabio." "Fabio." "Io." "Io." "Io, io, you idiot." "Fabio." "Let's go inside, everyone's waiting." "You screw me over, and you know what?" "Nobody fucks with Fabio." "I've got plenty of money in that account!" "Fabio!" "Damn." "¶" "What?" "No!" "No!" "Let's just say the man has a vision." "Big changes are coming." "There's the genius!" "Saul, where are you?" "I've got a big problem, call me back!" "¶" "What uh, is wrong?" "Fabio quit." "Let me guess." "There was too much dialogue for him." "Why, why, why did he quit?" "Because he's a dick." "And the check I wrote him bounced." "Oh." "I called my money manager, Saul, but what it means is, you know," "I gotta send everybody home and still pay for it." "All right, we'll find a new host, right?" "Chris, I just can't, like go on the internet" "It's not that easy." "Not to mention I've got the cast and crew here for two days, that's it." "Well, let's take a time out and let's think about this, all right?" "We need a host, we need a host." "We need someone charming, someone personable, someone who's not a dick, um..." "Duh!" "Jack Guy!" "You've done a million modeling campaigns, you've traveled the world, you've always been in front of the camera." "You should host the show." "Well, I did guest star on a soap opera once." "That's what I'm talking about, baby!" "Look out this window, all right?" "This is your vision, buddy." "¶" "We're all looking through the point of view of our own reality tunnel." "And every reality tunnel is different." "Wikipedia says that Fabio's Protein is better than water." "¶" "Yuck, what the... ¶ [screaming]" "What's going on?" "Why is Jack getting concealer applied?" "His skin is perfect." "Fabio quit, Jack's the host, and Chris is a fucking alien." "You ready to roll, Sterling?" "[speaking French]" "Jack?" "Todd, what's up?" "I was uploading, trying to upload yesterday's footage to your Mac like you told me, but um, for some reason it doesn't look like the footage actually recorded." "What?" "[speaking French]" "Sterling, just hold on for a second." "What do you mean it didn't record?" "How could that be?" "[speaking French]" "Did you know about this?" "[speaking French]" "Does anyone here speak idiot?" "Fuck it, all right?" "You need something done right you gotta do it yourself." "All right, just roll this time." "[speaking French]" "Are you the owner of this establishment?" "I am." "I'm with the Department of Health, and pardon the pun, you need to get your shit together!" "¶" "Have a nice day." "[speaking French]" "Hello, America." "Why is it so fun being a dick?" "Don't wanna be a pussy." "Sterling, we're losing power!" "I can't work like this!" "Everything's okay." "It's just a coincidence that all my checks are bouncing." "Uncle Jack?" "Saul's hard to get a hold of." "He travels a lot." "Are you okay?" "Just having a few communication issues." "You know what I just thought of?" "Why don't you call Adriana?" "She would make a perfect host." "Problem solved." "Yeah, Adriana." "Adriana left me five months ago." "Oh." "Is this Octaurean related?" "Octaurean?" "He was in a cult for 20 years." "What, like Catholicism?" "No, they worshipped a star called Octaurus." "Oh." "But he escaped." "¶" "Look at that!" "See, things are already looking brighter." "And there he goes, folks, money manager Saul Rosenblattsteinberg is being indicted on accusations of running a Ponzi scheme involving some of Hollywood's biggest names, many of whom are linked to the alleged cult known as Octaurean Lifestyles which was first exposed" "by famous model and former member, Jack Guy, who is also a victim in this tragic turn of events." "Man, did he royally fuck those people." "Back to you in the studio, Bob." "Jack, are you okay?" "These electronic toothbrushes are amazing." "I haven't had a cavity in over ten years, you know that?" "Jack." "Sit with me, talk to me." "What's up?" "Something wrong?" "You tell me, Tantu." "Adriana never loved me." "She said she did, but she didn't." "She went away on a photo shoot, she never even came back." "She ran off with some German photographer with a ponytail." "Dirk." "Dirk the jerk." "I didn't join the cult, mother!" "No one joins a cult!" "I was brainwashed!" "I mean, my God, they told me" "I was saving the world!" "They said, "Sign here, you'll help save the world."" "I signed." "Wh-, what would you do?" "Did that answer your question?" "Yes, yes, I did think the spaceships were coming!" "I guess what bothers me the most is that no one ever seems to take me seriously." "Even in the cult my nickname was Dipshit." "I remember the day I escaped." "February second, Groundhog Day." "I was running butt naked through the forest with nothing but a squirrel pelt and my dignity to keep me warm, but I got away." "That was the first day that I really questioned my decision to change my name to Jack Guy." "What's your real name?" "Phil Wienerman." "Wait a second, what should I call you?" "Jack or Phil?" "I don't know." "Actually, I was thinking of changing my name again." "I always liked the name "Jim"." "Considering that you wanna be taken seriously and you own a fitness club now," ""Jim Guy" might not be the best option." "I'm just saying." "There you go." "Listen, I just wanted to thank you again for helping my uncle through this." "I know he can be a bit eccentric." "No, no, no, it's fine, it's my pleasure." "Well, you're sweet." "You're sweet, too." "Well, till next time." "¶" "Cool Vespa." "You know what?" "On Saturdays um, we take the underprivileged kids that I work with to the park to get some outdoor activity." "I was thinking maybe you could come by and show 'em some basketball moves or something." "Yeah, that sounds awesome." "Cool." "So um, Pan Pacific Park, one PM." "Pan Pacific Park, one PM." "Once again I'm uh, I'm really, really sorry." "Due to my current financial situation and the failure of the reality show why doesn't everyone just take the rest of the week off." "We'll plan to reconvene on Monday." "But uh, in light of everything that's happened unless some sort of miracle occurs," "I strongly encourage everyone to explore other employment opportunities." "Three days of working here, you get us shut down?" "¶" "¶ Lately seems you've been distant ¶" "¶ Or maybe I just don't read you so well ¶" "¶" "¶ What you want in an instant ¶" "¶ Would say with your eyes" "¶ It's getting harder to tell ¶" "¶ And I want you to know I'm trying ¶" "¶ Trying the best that I can ¶" "¶ And if our love is slowly dying ¶" "¶ I want you to know" "¶ Where I stand in my heart ¶" "¶ My heart, my heart" "You're early." "It's been a while." "I figured I could use the practice." "¶" "Let's play some basketball." "All right guys, back up, we're gonna work on defense, okay?" "Let's see what you got." "¶ If it weren't for the boy" "¶ Who felt like whatever he did ¶" "¶ Wasn't good enough" "¶ Was different than every kid ¶" "¶ But wait, deep down inside ¶" "¶ There was a genius within" "¶ And his heart was of gold and hope was eager to win ¶" "¶ Was so sick and tired of all these people ¶" "¶ Sneaking on him" "¶ No, he would come and attack by the evil again ¶" "¶ And his family's poor" "¶ He swore he would feed them again ¶" "¶ But on his way out there goes the Grim Reaper again ¶" "¶ They put him in the coliseum ¶" "¶ To be food for the lions" "¶ But he cut right through 'em like the man on fire ¶" "¶ With my heart of Leonidas ¶" "¶ He fought through the riots" "¶ Cause he's one bad man" "¶ Gave his notes to the choir" "¶ But this world was deep in for you ¶" "¶ Bloodlines went back to the people ¶" "¶ You gotta fight way out, it can be done ¶" "¶ But in him dwells the heart of a champion ¶" "¶ Never quit, never lose hope, overcome ¶" "¶ Never fear to fly, you can be the one ¶" "Oh, come on, that's not fair." "¶" "Hey, there." "Wow." "Aren't you amazing with the kids, who knew?" "Thank you." "Now that brings us to a little bit of a surprise that I have for you." "What?" "Ta-dah!" "I figured we'd have to eat, right?" "Check it out." "Peach and raspberry cobbler pie." "Wow, um..." "Chris." "I..." "Hey, Manny, what's up, buddy?" "If you're such a superstar player, how come you can't dunk?" "Kids, right?" "Well, uh, Manny, as you can see" "I don't exactly have the best knee anymore, so..." "I still don't think you can." "Well, actually used to be able to dunk pretty well back in the day." "Then prove it." "Are you bullying me?" "I got ten baseball cards that says you can't." "Ooh!" "All right, okay, Manny, why don't we stop bugging Chris and thank him for coming out today." "I guess since his girlfriend's rescuing him" "I'll leave him alone." "Especially since he's chicken." "Manny!" "No, Rachel, it's totally cool." "Ten baseball cards, huh?" "Listen, you do not have to do this." "I think I do." "Dotted line, Manny." "Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris..." "Please, God, don't make me look stupid in front of Rachel and all these kids." "Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris... [applause]" "¶" "¶ [cheering]" "¶" "Guess who." "Hey, baby, I got out early!" "Hey." "Look at you." "Chris." "Chris, wait up." "Chris." "Yeah, what's up?" "I'm sorry." "Look, I meant to tell you, but..." "Don't be silly." "Look, it's totally cool, I just um, I uh, what time is it?" "I promised a friend that I would uh, help him move today." "I gotta, gotta get to IKEA." "Chris." "Rachel, I get it, you're engaged." "I mean, he seems like a really nice guy, successful." "What is that, Armani?" "Chris." "I just came to help you with the kids, right?" "Babe, you ready?" "It was nice meeting ya, Cliff." "Yeah, you too, it was a great surprise." "Thanks for helping her out with all those kids, they can be, you know, semen demons." "Which one's your whip, by the way?" "Yes, for sure." "Okay." "Wow, what an angry little Asian man." "Uh, okay, well, Mr. Guy, is it?" "Is it Guy, Gee?" "Guy." "Guy, all right." "You don't look French but I thought" "I'd give it a shot." "If you were I would kick you out immediately." "Listen, that was my boss and he actually saw you coming in and uh, congrats, he thinks you look like a movie star." "An action hero, actually." "[imitates gunshots, explosion]" ""No, Daddy, I love you."" "Does that mean I have the loan?" "No, no, God no." "The loan?" "No, that's, no, you're not even close to getting a loan." "You have no assets to speak of." "It's kinda embarrassing, actually, at your age." "Uh, no, there's not a lot we can do for you, in fact you owe a ton of people a ton of money, so let's hope they're not Italian." "I don't think you understand." "I really need this loan." "You really need it?" "I didn't know that, I didn't." "Hey, Charlie!" "Hey, we got a guy in here who really needs a loan." "Yeah!" "Charlie's gone," "Charlie actually was fired three weeks ago." "I think that office is actually empty." "But let's be honest, look in the mirror." "You, you know, you were turned down before you even left your apartment." "And I said "apartment" because there's no way you have a house, right?" "That's been taken away, so..." "No, this is, this is an unfortunate incident in that you actually got into my office and um, and I feel, I don't know." "I am feeling something, but I think I'm just hungry." "¶ When I'm alone" "¶ That's when I'm most dangerous, serious ¶" "¶ On my own clock ticking like a metronome ¶" "¶ A feeling that you'll never know ¶" "¶ Unless you been delirious ¶ [knocking]" "Hey, Chris." "It smells good in here, man." "Uh, look, I really like you, you know that." "You're a nice guy." "I wanted to tell you this in person, all right?" "Look, you're evicted, man." "What?" "Yeah." "It hurts me, bro, I'm sorry." "Listen, are you cooking in here?" "Listen, they're towing your car downstairs, four black guys." "Great." "It's crazy." "Awesome, thank you." "You uh, you been working out?" "You look nice, man." "Real good." "Incline?" "What?" "Can I borrow your "Titanic" DVD?" "No!" "You still owe me "Sleepless in Seattle"." "I'll get it to you." "You like chicks, right?" "Yeah." "Great." "[knocking]" "Keep the damn DVD, Harold." "Harold I" "Surprise!" "Kim." "What are you..." "What are you doing here?" "What do you mean what am I doing here?" "I've come back to you." "Kim." "Uh, you should go." "Why?" "¶" "Chrissy-poo." "I know that you think I wasn't very nice to you in the past." "But we were kids then." "We're not kids anymore." "That tickles." "By the way, Daddy said you could start at 100." "$100,000?" "Uhhuh." "Okay, Kim, Kim, Kim!" "I need to know why now?" "Why not now, I'm horny." "No, Kim, why now all of a sudden do you wanna be with me?" "Chris, I've always loved you and when you got hurt I was scared." "I didn't know what to do, it was hard for me." "You were scared?" "I was the one" "I had my walls up." "And now they are way down." "Ah, okay." "Oh, there's my big boy." "There he is, okay." "Kim, stop, stop, Kim, Kim!" "I need to ask you, have you ever apologized to anybody for anything in your entire life?" "Ew." "So this is my eighth voicemail now." "Jack, no one has heard from you," "I'm starting to get concerned." "Where are you?" "Call me back." "Jack?" "Jack?" "¶" "I have a weapon and I will fuck you up, man!" "I am a weapon and I will fuck you up more!" "Jack?" "Chris?" "Jesus." "Holy cow, what happened to your hair?" "I know it's them!" "Supercuts?" "Turn the lights off, get down." "Why?" "Were you followed?" "I don't know." "Did you talk to anyone?" "My grandmother." "What-, what are you doing?" "Let me see your teeth." "Why are you touching me?" "Stop touching me." "Ow, ow, Jack!" "Say "ah"." "Ah, ah, ah!" "Ah!" "You're clean." "What the hell?" "Listen." "I know this all seems crazy." "But remember my money manager, Saul Rosenblattsteinberg?" "The guy who got arrested for the Ponzi scheme?" "Well, years ago I introduced Saul to the cult." "So this weekend the damn cult kidnapped me because Saul stole over three million dollars from them." "They thought I was in on it." "You have forsaken us all again." "I'm so sorry, Benevolent Leader." "I didn't know Saul was a crook." "He took me for everything, and you bastards sill owe me six million." "Stop!" "Nobody's gonna take you seriously, Phil." "You are a total fuck up." "We tire of your resistence and your incompetence." "The end of days is upon us." "The spaceships are coming and you shall learn your lesson." "No, no!" "Not the hair, no!" "It's probably for the best that I forget about the gym for a while." "I gotta deal with these assholes." "Chris, sorry I couldn't turn things around." "Two hearts becoming one." "Our beautiful Kimmy and Chris, salute." "Cheers, Sir." "Oh, Chris." "Guess what?" "Daddy's getting us a condo." "It is so beautiful, I've seen pictures." "And there's an extra bedroom so we can convert it into a closet for me." "Nothing is too good for my princess." "Is it, princess?" "No." "Look at her, Chris." "Isn't she a princess?" "She is definitely a princess." "I am a princess!" "Here we are, Princess." "Fat free, sugar free, gluten free vegan lettuce cups minus the rice and the oil, which I'm sure is much tastier than the chef always makes it." "Jeffry." "Thank you so much, Sir." "Jeffry, um, is that corn?" "Yes." "Aaahh!" "Gross!" "Take it!" "Jeffry." "Sir, I'm so sorry, I'm a horrible person and I will go improve myself around the corner." "How difficult is it for them to get it right?" "I'm gonna go to the bathroom." "You gotta respect that." "She knows what she wants." "Respect." "Yeah." "What the hell are you doing?" "Eating?" "Put down the knife and fork, fuck head." "Come on, respect her." "Wait for your princess to come back." "Sorry, my bad." "My bad, my bad?" "Who are ya, Snoop Dogg, now?" "I'm sorry." "You hear me, homey?" "Pardon?" "No, no, I think I know you." "You're one of those assholes that plays basketball every night, right?" "Right, and then you're listening to your rap music with your hippie friends." "And you're probably on narcotics right now, huh, Cheech?" "No, no, Sir, you have me all wrong." "When it comes to my daughter she is my everything." "So you hurt her, you so much as disrespect her, and I'm sending people to your house." "Capisce?" "Capisce." "I'm gonna run to the restroom myself really quickly." "Ah!" "Hi, it's Rachel, leave a message at the beep." "[beep]" "Hey, baby, it's Craig." "Why don't you call me back?" "We can work through this, we can talk this out, okay?" "Call me back." "[beep]" "It was just a rub and tug." "It's not that big of a deal, it was a massage, okay?" "That bitch was just masturbating with her hand on top of mine." "without mine being there." "You know what?" "I be banging bitches left and right." "You don't know shit, you don't know nothing," "I don't need you." "Peace." "So, as you can see, the living room is very spacious." "Well, I, I see that there's a pool, but where's the tennis court?" "We were told this property has a tennis court." "Where do you expect us to go when the servants are cleaning the house?" "Uh, well um, there's a ping pong table in the basement." "How dare you?" "I have not been practicing my backhand for nothing." "And why is there so much furniture in this room?" "Well, Ma'am, sometimes we furnish the houses to give the prospective buyers a better idea of what it will be like once they" "And that trim is pretty shitty, who did that?" "Jack?" "Jack who?" "Is he in the union?" "He's speaking to you, dimwit." "I have explosive diarrhea, so I will be right back." "He's not a dimwit." "You have to have a wit to be dim." "Right." "Jack." "Call me Lonestar, lay low." "Lonestar, why?" "No time to explain." "¶" "Bianca, Bianca, you gotta see this." "Where are you?" "Bianca, this, what are you doing down there?" "I can't let you do this." "Do what?" "This." "Look at you." "Look at me?" "Jack, look at you." "You don't think I look good as a brunette?" "I'm happy right now, okay?" "I've got my life together, I've got money, things are great." "Oh, everything's great, huh?" "Oh, come on, open your eyes." "Is this really what you want?" "Yes, yes, it is." "All right, look." "I'll be the first to admit I lost my marbles there for a little while." "But I'm back and I've never been more clear on anything." "The cult tried to kill my dreams." "I'm never gonna let anybody ever do that again." "I can't give up." "Not on the gym, and not on myself." "And you shouldn't either." "Jack." "Lonestar." "Lonestar, look." "Even if I did wanna quit this job and dump Kim, the gym's shut down and you're broke." "Not anymore." "I've got a plan, but I need your help." "You are a foul, horrible young man." "Horrible." "I'm gonna call your office and file a complaint." "My God, Jack, this is like, freakishly good." "One great thing about being in a cult, planning to take over the world every day makes you very meticulous and a great strategist." "You know what else?" "I think we should do a whole grassroots social media marketing campaign." "I love it, let's do that!" "Let's get to work." "Oh, man, really?" "Can I get one day off?" "My freaking armpits." "Your hyperhydrosis is acting up again, huh?" "What?" "You poor bastard." "You haven't figured it out yet, have you?" "Let me guess." "You've tried every antiperspirant known to mankind." "Yeah." "But nothing works, nothing, not even clinical strength." "No." "Now you're resorted to blow drying your pits, patting them down with paper towels." "Okay, are you following me?" "Here, let me show you something." "I keep this as a reminder." "See, back then we didn't have Photoshop." "Hyperhydrosis could have killed my career before it even started." "You're just like me." "Chris." "Kim." "Dude, she is hot." "You're not helping." "Be strong." "Who the hell was that and what were you two doing?" "That's my friend, Lonestar." "Daddy's waiting." "Ew, your armpits are sweaty." "I have a condition, hyperhydrosis." "Yuck." "Exactly." "Kim." "What?" "I said, "what"?" "I'm leaving." "I know, we have to go." "No, I'm leaving alone." "We're not driving to Daddy's separately." "Bye, Kim." "Oh, God, is this you being emotional again?" "Don't be so emotional, Chris." "You're delusional, wake up." "¶" "You know what, Kim?" "I'm a Cancer, and we are emotional, art majoring, empathetic, fish-painting motherfuckers." "Have a great life." "I don't get it." "God, I feel amazing!" "I feel like I could climb a mountain or something!" "Why are we in a Prius?" "I thought you had a Lamborghini." "Had to downsize for the mission." "Oh." "Wait, where are we going?" "Page two, step one, blue highlight." "Payback." "Oh, no." "Oh, yes." "These fuckers took six million from me and we need that money to save the gym." "You gave a cult six million dollars?" "Are you crazy?" "I didn't give it to them." "I was investing in land on Octaurus." "Plus, they told me it was a write-off." "Look, ah, Jack" "Lonestar." "I mean Lonestar, look." "I, I can't do this, I'm sorry." "We have all the power, just play the role, it'll be fine." "What do I call myself?" "Do I have a code name?" "I don't want these guys knowing who I am." "Ronald." "Ronald McDonaldson." "Okay, ready?" "What are we doing in a dentist's office?" "Think about it, that's how they get you." "Everybody needs to get their teeth cleaned." "¶" "¶" "This is crazy." "What am I getting myself into?" "Oh, my God, what if they have guns?" "What if they try to kill me?" "Holy shit, I'm gonna die." "Fuck." "I ate carbs today." "I am such a fatty." "Why did I think I could do this?" "I hardly even know this guy." "What if he's trying to brainwash me?" "What if I'm already in the cult?" "I bet Rachel has a blonde wig." "Yeah, but it would look totally fake." "Ron?" "Yeah." "I am Ron." "Um..." "Mariah Carey flies south for the winter." "Honey or Glitter?" "Honey?" "Right this way." "¶ [screaming]" "¶" "¶ [phone rings]" "Octaurean Lifestyles, this is Venus, how can I help you?" "¶" "Enter voice authorization sample." "[singing]" "Activate." "¶" "Hello, Benevolent Leader." "¶" "Have a seat." "You dare bring in an outsider, Dipshit?" "This is my spiteful, relentless, ball crushing, undefeated lawyer." "Oh, yeah, your worst nightmare." "Um, well, first I would like to um, thank you for" "Spit it out, jackass." "Remember why we're here." "We need this money to save Dumbbells." "¶" "All right, motherfucker." "I want you to listen to me, and I want you to listen well." "Your organization owes my client upwards of six million dollars." "American." "My client has suffered from anxiety, depression, erectile dysfunction" "I, I have that last problem under control now." "And I will not stop until justice has been upheld, my bald friends." "What do ya got?" "Are you dentists familiar with the iPhone audio recorder app?" "Well, lucky for me my client was during your little routine kidnapping." "Do you remember that?" "Behold evidence A." "No, no, not the hair!" "Anything but the hair, no!" "Goat, goat, goat, goat, goat, goat, goat, goat... [chanting continues]" "Silence, Octaureans!" "Fuck this goat." "Yeah." "[goat bleating]" "Oh, and uh, that is not the only copy of that recording." "I got that shit on my iCloud." "What's up?" "So if you love bugs try any funny business" "I will have the FBI and the CIA and TMZ all over this place like stink on baboon, my friend." "¶" "Six thousand dollars." "Yeah, baby!" "Take that to the bank, dipshits!" "Hey, where you going?" "Page 12, orange highlight, unfinished business." "Jack, she's engaged." "Not anymore." "How's my hair look?" "It looks fine." "Are you sure?" "Yeah." "Let's just go back to the gym, instead." "Are you not familiar with Eckhart Tolle's book" ""Power of Now"?" "Carpe diem, seize the day." "I'll speak to her eventually." "You just took on a whole cult." "You can talk to my niece." "What am I supposed to say?" "I'll do all the talking, relax." "Hey, Rach." "Uncle Jack, Chris, what are you guys doing here?" "Chris will explain everything." "Hey, guys." "Who wants to play a little HORSE?" "So, once again, I'm, I'm really sorry that uh, that I didn't respond to any of your text messages." "That was, that was immature." "Well, look, I'm sorry." "For everything." "So we're both sorry." "I know, why don't we start over." "Hi." "I'm Chris." "I'm Rachel." "So who is Jack?" "Oh, Tom Jones over there?" "That's my sugar daddy." "I knew it!" "Mhmm." "I cannot believe you thought that when we first met." "I have a lot of deep core rooted issues stemming from my childhood, mostly." "Eat it, chew it, how does failure taste?" "All right, well, I guess I should get back to the kids." "But, thanks for stopping by." "Would you like to go out sometime?" "Chris." "You are a super, super sweet guy and you made me laugh, but I just need time." "¶" "Of course." "Totally" "I mean, I, I get it." "You just broke up with your fiancé, you need some time." "Thanks." "Yeah, whore, how does that feel?" "¶" "It feels like the band is back together." "Speaking of bands, Jack's hair looks awesome." "I just hope Bon Jovi has good news because we couldn't find anywhere that was hiring." "And we're saving up for a Kia." "That's a great vehicle." "Rachel, perfect timing." "Wow, look who's brought the Dumbbells uni, I like it." "Official." "I gotta rally the troops." "I'll see you in a little bit, okay?" "All right." "Wow." "Blonde is way better." "Yes." "Hey." "Hey." "Thank you for coming." "I've gotta support my uncle, right?" "Right." "All right, everyone." "Let me just say uh, it's fantastic to see you all back in uniform again." "I know we've had some bumps in the road, but uh, I hope you enjoyed that little vacation of yours 'cause that's all it was, 'cause it's time to get down to some work." "That's right, it's time to turn the gym's business around and take back control of our lives." "And that's why we've come up with a three part plan." "Todd, hand out the binders." "Now when I escaped I knew that I was gonna have to face the Leader once more." "Escaped?" "The Leader?" "That's right." "I was in a cult for 20 years." "Be strong." "But I'm not ashamed." "And I'm not hiding anymore." "In fact, not only am I fighting back, but I am taking those mind sucking, alien loving parasites down and I won't stop until I retrieve every penny of my $5,994,000 that they still owe me." "They will be begging me for mercy." "Across the universe the name Jack Guy will cause fear in the hearts of every Octaurean." "Bobby?" "So you want us to help you take down the cult to get your money back to save this gym." "No, no, not at all." "I was just venting." "It's a really important part of the healing process." "My thera" "Um, guys." "I think what Jack is trying to say is this." "After my injury I started to act as if life had robbed me of something that I deserved." "That life owed me." "And I quit on myself." "But I'm ready to get back in the game." "I'm tired of sitting on the sideline." "I wanna play some ball and what I wanna know is who is ready to play some ball with me?" "Bobby." "So, you want us to join a basketball league, then?" "No." "I think what Chris and Jack are trying to say is that if we work together as a team we can turn Dumbbells' business around and save everyone's job." "Oh." "I thought we were clear." "So here's the plan." "With the money we got from the cult, we'll throw a promotional party." "But not just any party." "I'm talking a full on Hollywood event." "When times are tough, families pull together." "And say goodbye to working for minimum wage." "That's right." "From now on everyone has a piece of the company." "We are a team, and there's no "I" in "Dumbbells"." "¶ And I just can't wait till the day ¶" "¶ When you knock on my door" "¶" "¶ Now every time I go for the mailbox ¶" "¶ Gotta hold myself down" "¶" "¶ 'Cause I just can't wait till you write me ¶" "¶ You're coming around" "¶ I'm walking on sunshine, wooah ¶" "¶ I'm walking on sunshine, woooah ¶" "¶ I'm walking on sunshine, woooah ¶" "For every problem, we crate the solution." "Even the bitchiest ones." "[engine revving]" "¶" "¶ I used to think maybe you love me ¶" "¶ Now I know that it's true ¶" "Turns out Fabio's not a dick after all." "Good evening." "I'm looking for Ivana." "I'm, I'm Ivana." "Wow." "I didn't know you were that beautiful and so sexy." "Oh." "Would you like to go for an evening ride?" "Let's go." "Once he heard that Jack got screwed out of all his money, he stepped up to the plate, big time." "Let me help with that." "Oh yeah if you could just get that right there." "Perfect." "Perfect." "Guys!" "Oh, my God, are you okay?" "Shouldn't be on that ladder at the same time." "See that big game last night?" "¶" "¶ Walking on sunshine" "¶ Walking on sunshine" "¶ I feel the love, I feel the love ¶" "¶ I feel the love that's really real ¶" "¶ I feel the love, I feel the love ¶" "¶ I feel the love" "¶" "¶" "Hey, buddy, you made it." "How you doing, my friend?" "Great to see you." "Hey." "Any bats in the cave?" "You're clear." "Thanks, buddy." "You know, Chris." "I'm really glad you and I teamed up." "It's like when Apollo Creed and Rocky joined forces to take on The Russian." "The Russian killed Apollo." "You better revert back to your negativity, dipshit." "Holy "Valkyrie" on Blu-ray, is that Tom Cruise?" "Sometimes you just gotta say what the fuck." "Make your move." "Woo, woo!" "No, that is not Tom Cruise." "That is Tom Cruise." "You complete me." "You complete me." "I was a bartender in the Philippines and I watched "Cocktail" every day for inspiration." "That is Tom Cruise." "You were a bartender in the Philippines?" "Sure." "Actually, it doesn't matter." "Perception is reality." "Hey, guys, a real live Hollywood producer just gave me his card." "Said I had a dynamic look, wants to make me a star." "Awesome." "Congrats, buddy." "He reminds me of a young Macaulay Culkin." "¶" "It's kinda crazy to think that I wanted to quit not even a month ago, huh?" "Well, we all wanna quit at one time or another." "Important thing is to hang in there because tomorrow always brings another surprise." "Speaking of surprises, I got this for ya." "Boom." "What's this?" "I was able to salvage the footage from the reality show." "I edited it together, added effects, cool transitions, graphics, the whole nine." "Wow, how'd you learn to do that?" "I was an art major." "How's it going, guys?" "This party is the tits, am I right, yeah?" "The tit-tays." "It's Slutsville out there." "Is that a real place?" "'Cause if it's not I would move there." "Hey, you guys were the guys from the bank." "Oh, my God, the loan." "Yeah." "Look, please accept my deepest apologies, okay?" "I really am sorry," "I'm just going through some shit right now." "My kid's masturbating at school, can't stop him, how do you stop him?" "His dick's there all the time." "All right, I'm not gonna bother with my hands." "They're gonna get dirty in a second anyway." "Did you know we already have 42 new members?" "Are any of them rich men?" "Crystal, don't be a slut." "Well, things are looking pretty good right now, huh, Todd?" "You guys did a really good job with this place." "My dad couldn't do this." "He said I suck, he sucks." "Chris, Jack told me you have a sweat problem." "I think this can help." "Wow, never thought I'd say this, but, thank you, Fabio, you're a sweetheart." "You're welcome." "Hey, by the way." "What do you use in your hair, it's spectacular." "Oh, that's simple." "Pussy juice." "¶ I know you want me just wanna show you all night ¶" "¶ Baby, you're mine" "¶ Baby, you're mine" "¶" "All right." "Let's do this." "¶ Baby, you're mine" "¶" "I am sorry to interrupt, Buzz, but if I may cut in." "Well, I was just gonna ask her to marry me, but it wouldn't have worked out." "Be happy." "How could you not love that guy?" "Let's see what you got." "¶" "Well." "Shall we?" "¶" "Well, congratulations on a very successful party." "You boys have come a long way and I am very proud." "Well, I have you to thank." "For what?" "For everything." "Are you getting emotional on me?" "I'm sorry, that's lame, I know." "Are you kidding me?" "What girl wouldn't love a man who's in touch with his emotions?" "¶" "And I wanted to thank you for respecting my boundaries." "¶" "I love respecting your boundaries." "¶" "And look who got it all on camera you adorable lovebirds." "Thank you, Jack." "Chris, they're playing your DVD on the projector." "Everybody loves it, you gotta come check it out." "Oh, I gotta see this." "Come on." "Let's go." "Sorry for C-blocking you." "¶" "¶ I still got it, I still got it ¶" "¶ Yeah, still got it" "¶ Still got that pop lockin', panty dropping' ¶" "¶ Smooth moves in my pocket ¶" "¶ Still got that look that gets 'em hooked ¶" "¶ Like a locket off like a rocket ¶" "¶ Being down like Kenny Powers" "¶ Now I'm up like the Trump Towers ¶" "¶ And I'm back in town ain't backing down ¶" "¶ Won't stop till I get that crown ¶" "¶ I still got it, I still got it ¶" "¶ I still got it" "¶ Still got that fire burning hot like never before ¶" "¶ Still got my heart beating loud like four on the floor ¶" "¶ Bottles poppin', fist pumpin' and I'm ready for more ¶" "¶ That's right" "¶ Still got it, still got it, I still got it ¶" "¶ Still got that tiger blood pumpin' fast through my veins ¶" "¶ Six foot sammies triple whammies ¶" "¶ I ain't feelin' no pain" "¶ Batter's up swinging' hard 'cause I'm still in the game ¶" "¶ I still got it, still got it, still got it ¶" "Hey, Jack." "Bumbaloo, nice to see ya." "Hey, Jack." "Fabio told us you were having a party." "Yup, you guys having some fun, huh?" "Yeah, but unfortunately we're in a big rush." "Our helicopter's picking us up in five." "Oh, okay." "Is this roof flat?" "Uh, yeah." "It doesn't matter." "Look, we're branching out of Las Vegas, we're producing our own television, and we were looking at the footage over here and thought that..." "Premise rocks, we love the name, and that's some fine ass bitches here." "It's like "Sunset Tan" in a gym and not only could it be a reality show, but maybe we can franchise this." "Let's talk on Monday, we'll discuss the numbers." "Absolutely." "Okay, Jack." "Come on, bitches." "We don't wanna keep Obama waiting." "No, you definitely do not." "¶" "Dumbbells, Dumbbells, Dumbbells, Dumbbells..." "So I guess the vision doesn't always manifest exactly as you see it." "But Jack Guy sure was right." "Dreams do come true." "¶" "Oh, everything's gonna be fine?" "Everything's gonna be fine?" "Listen." "Do I look fine?" "I am not fine." "I am very far from fine." "Take off that wig!" "Goddammit!" "Um..." "Sorry." "How's the date going?" "It is not a date." "Looks like a date from over here." "It is not a date." "Just tell her how you feel." "What the fuck is your problem?" "So what's your sign?" "You wanna go out after this, get a penis colada?" "I mean, pina colada." "You know what I meant." "Cut." "Hey, guys, how's it going, huh?" "How about this party?" "Oh, my God, I swear to God, 50% of those chicks can fit their full fist in their mouth." "Sucks that one couldn't get it back out, but she's gonna be okay." "And, mark." "It was a bad day for me, okay?" "My dad's in town right now and, you know, he was a drinker." "He was a drinker growing up and projectile vomiting, constantly." "You know he actually threw up once while he was changing me, right on my dick." "You remember that shit." "And do either of you have a roofie?" "The big blonde, seriously, one or two?" "I say two." "Bets, huh?" "Sorry, I seriously can't." "[laughing]" "Sorry." "Why?" "Why, why, why, why, why, why, why?" "Tell me why, why, why, why, why, why, why." "I'm up to 104 views." "That dramatic chipmunk better watch out." "I'm gonna give it my nuts." "That little kid that said, "Charlie bit my finger"" "better watch out before I put him in a fucking microwave." "That sneezing panda better watch its multicolored back before I fist fuck it with my nine." "Again, thanks for stopping by, you have my card?" "Yeah?" "I mean, I ripped the number off so you can't call me." "That Starbucks?" "You know, there's cheaper coffee, 7-11." "I'm a banker, okay?" "I'm dead inside." "Smoked some more of that kush." "I got so ripped I watched five seasons of "Lost" in one day." "Yeah, that's impossible, homey." "That's, like, 80 hours." "In one day." "Look, I got a show to do." "[speaking French]" "No, my ass is on the line." "You're working for me!" "You know, you've got the IQ of a croissant!" "You know, I don't need this." "[speaking French]" "Ew." "Okay, go back to kissing me." "Cut." "People love that you know." "It's like, nobody fuck with the Fabio, okay?" "Have a good day." "[laughing]" "Thanks." ""Titanic"." "You still owe me "Sleepless In Seattle"." "I'm not done with it, Chris!" "Whatever!" "You're whatever!" "You're whatever!" "You are!" "You are!" "He's not a dimwit." "You have to have a wit to be dim." "He's the dimmest of the dimwits." "Mr. Dimwit." "Mr. Dimwit." "Captain Dimwit." "General Dimwit." "King Dimwit." "Emperor Dimwit." "Yes." "Cut!" "Listen, Dances With Queers, I'm never fucking done." "I got 20 more laps and an hour worth of legs and I'm gonna fuck this line up horribly." "[barking]" "¶" "Okay, le-, let's cut the crap!" "See this coat I'm wearing?" "I don't need it anymore, you know why?" "Because I'm cooked and failing" "I had two slices of bad pizza and I'm already throwing punches." "Are you out of your fucking mind?" "I don't put that shit in my body." "I'm downing some COC." "Cellular Oxygen Creatine." "A liquid formula that quadruples my amino acid recovery by fucking up the lines and having to do it over ago." "I'm downing some COC." "Creatine Oxygen fucking shit backwards asshole." "Cellular Oxygen Creatine, a liquid formula that triples my amino acid circulation while quadrupling..." "Goat got your tongue?" "The "baa" is my favorite part." "[goat bleats]" "This was fun." "Wasn't this fun?" "We should do this again." "¶ I'm gone, I'm gone, I'm gone, I'm gone ¶" "¶ I'm gone, I'm gone" "¶ Gonna light it up" "¶ Tore it up" "¶ That's enough" "¶ I'm gone, I'm gone I'm gone, I'm gone ¶"