"Good evening." "I'm Jon Hamm." "You may know me as Don Draper from Mad Men, or you might have seen me host Saturday Night Live, or maybe you just recognize me as the sweet piece of Hollywood ass that I am." "Well, tonight, you're in for a treat." "It's the broadcast premiere of William Makepeace Thackeray's heretofore unproduced masterwork," "Backwash." "Born in Calcutta, India, in 1811, Thackeray soon moved to England, where novels like The Luck of Barry Lyndon and Vanity Fair would confer upon him status as a literary light of Victorian England." "Thackeray's death in 1863 shocked the reading public, robbing future generations of his literary delights." "But eight months ago came the stunning announcement that a backed-up pipe in a London tea shop's bidet lead to the discovery of a lost Thackeray novella." "But enough of this horseshit." "Let's get to the action." "Backwash, by William Makepeace Thackeray." "Chapter One. "It may be remarked" ""that over the course of this day, events wondrous and strange to relate" ""would surely occur." ""But it must also be said that, by most outward appearances," ""this day started much like any other."" "Nice to see you people." "Hello, how are you?" "Hello!" "Bad dream." "Go get help." "Fly away!" "What?" "This better be good." "What was it this time?" "Had a horrible nightmare." "I was walking down the street." "It was a sunny day, with a light breeze, and people were saying hi." "A lot." "Mercy!" "Jonesy, this is no way to live your life." "Getting up in the middle of the day, just 'cause you're scared?" "I was afraid you'd say that." "How old are you now?" "About 50?" "I'm 35!" "Jesus!" "You should moisturize." "The point is, I'm hungry." "Eyes yellowing over the last four days." "Skin pale, face drawn." "Preliminary diagnosis, jaundice." "Secondary signs of scoliosis and emphysema." "Prognosis?" "Death." "Hey, hey, I almost forgot!" "Today is free toaster Friday at First National Fidelity Trust Bank." "Four-slicer!" "Hot damn!" "What's the caper?" "We just got to open a checking account." "Minimum deposit?" "$200." "Jesus!" "How the hell are we gonna get that kind of money?" "Jonesy..." "It's the old catch-22." "Come on, Jonesy." "You gotta be a Rockefeller to get a free toaster, but if you're a Rockefeller, you don't need a free toaster!" "Jonesy, relax!" "Thanks." "Sure." "What did you do that for?" "Comic impact." "I understand." "You know what's really funny?" "What?" "Sets of three!" "I thought you were gonna say the element of surprise." "That's good, too." "I'm glad we had this talk." "Now, focus." "How much cash do you have in your wallet?" "About $8." "And how much do you have in your savings account?" "I don't know, 190." "And I've got this." "Pick that up, get your wallet, go to the bank, close out your savings account, use all the money to open a checking account." "We got our toaster." "They're gonna let me do that?" "It's just crazy enough to work." "Val?" "Yes?" "Come with me?" "I can't." "I've got a huge day." "What's so important about this darn toaster anyway?" "You don't even eat bread!" "No, I don't, Jonesy." "Let me tell you a little story." "You remember my father?" "He was a distant man." "On the few occasions we spent any time together," "I never felt I had his full attention." "But he was the breadwinner of the family." "Literally." "He won over 1,000 loaves that day." "And by cracky, he never let me forget it." "He was a winner, and I was a loser." "We ate that bread every day for years." "Breakfast, lunch and dinner." "Occasional brunch." "I grew to despise the mealy smack of wheat bread." "Well, that explains all the matzo." "We hadn't spoken in years when I heard that he'd passed." "Of sepia poisoning?" "That's right." "When they read the will, I learned that he had left me this." "The last slice of wheaty wheat bread." "Even from the grave, that miserable bastard found a way to reach out, grab me by the collar, and call me, "Silly loser."" "I swear I will not be a man, I will not be truly free, until I've toasted it and crumbled it over his grave." "Val, I will do this for you." "Let's ride!" "That way!" "I'm hot." "Yes, you are." "Now, you know where the bank is, you know the mission." "I can do this." "You can do this!" "Did you make a pee-pee?" "A long one." "Good boy!" "Now remember, deep breaths, don't talk to strangers, or people you know." "And don't touch things or stuff." "Now, that's exactly the kind of thing I don't want you to do." "Here's meat in a sock." "Huh?" "Like in Alive?" "I love that movie!" "Yes, I know you do." "Now, go out there and go take on the world." "Jonesy, you're a winner." "And winners something, something, something." "My dad never told me the end of that." "Fucker!" "Bring me that toaster." ""Shoving young master Jonesy out the front door" ""and headlong into the wide world." ""What fate would he meet?" "Well, that's a tale to be told on the morrow."" "Wow." "Conflict, character, emotional depth, and narrative drive." "This really had none of that, but I did like the part with the slapping." "Good evening, I'm Hank Azaria." "And, yes, I have lost a bet." "In the last chapter of Backwash, we met Val and Jonesy, two odd little ne'er-do-wells in search of free appliances." "When we left off, Jonesy was about to brave the mean streets of Los Angeles' San Fernando Valley to obtain a free toaster from the First National Fidelity Trust Bank." "I know, it is not much of a premise, but who are you?" "Roger Ebert?" "Why don't you shut you pretty little mouth and enjoy the nice moving pictures, okay?" "I have to, why shouldn't you?" "Okay, kids." "Backwash, by William Makepeace Thackeray." "Chapter Two." ""The day would prove to be damning hot." ""It was a day poorly suited to a jacket of down."" "Walking by myself isn't scary" "Whoa!" "Walking by myself can be fun" "And if I need a treat I'll eat some dried cured meat" "I hope I don't get cancer from the sun" "Whoa!" "Holy Moses!" "That came out of nowhere!" "Breathing, breathing." "In and out, in and out, everything's gonna be fine." "Meat snack, meat snack." "What the hell?" "Well, hello there, young fellow." "What can we do you for?" "Why are you yelling at me?" "Don't worry, Phoebe." "Everybody gets a little nervous on their first day." "Thank you, thank you, Mr. Snubbins." "I really appreciate the opportunity." "This job means the world to me." "Look!" "You've got a customer." "It's time to pop your cherry." "Next in line, please." "Next, please." "Next, please!" "You, sir?" "Yes, you, sir." "Please step up to the window." "Yes, you!" "The sweaty little idiot in the down jacket!" "Let's go, let's go." "Move it, buster!" "Sweet Jesus!" "I think I'm in love." "I am so sorry about that, sir." "I kind of just lost it there." "It's my first day." "In fact, you're gonna pop my cherry." "I'm sorry, I don't get out very much, and then you screamed, and you pointed at me, and you just said, "Cherry."" "Hey!" "Hey." "I've got something that I think you might be interested in." "Oh, my God!" "A gun!" "No, no, no." "Hold on a second, sir." "Just one second." "It's a salami." "Don't kill me!" "Please, don't kill me." "Look, look, look." "It's my first day." "Please, put down the gun!" "A gun?" "He has a gun!" "No, it's a salami." "It's a salami." "Drop it, squirt." "This kid's good." "It's a salami!" "It's a salami!" "Take it!" "Take it, please, just don't hurt any of us." "I have to get a toaster!" "Take it!" "It's meat in a sock!" "What?" "Like in Alive." "I love that movie!" "Meat in a sock!" "Money!" "I stole money." "I stole a bicycle." "I stole money and a bicycle." "My hip!" "I stole money, a bicycle, and a purse!" "You stole money, a bicycle, and a purse?" "Yeah." "You alternately threatened and beat people with your salami to get these things?" "That's right." "Where the hell's my toaster?" "Look in the bag." "Hot pockets!" "There must be a hundred grand in here!" "You can buy a toaster!" "Come." "I'm proud of you, Jonesy." "You did good." "Turn." "Dance." "I like, I like." "And, down." "Jonesy, you robbed an effing bank." "And I'm in love!" "Shake my hand." ""And for the first time, it seemed as if an existence of gentlemanly leisure" ""might indeed lie ahead for masters Val and Jonesy."" "And that's it." "Believe it or not." "Whatever!" "I am Hank Azaria, and I am calling my agent." "Good night!" "Dude, are you kidding me?" "This is the stupidest thing I've ever done, okay?" "Complete waste of time." "Absolutely ridiculous." "No, I'm not kidding!" "Dude, they put a stupid hat on me, that I don't know why I said I would do." "I have earrings on." "What would I do with earrings on?" "Okay." "I don't know." "I don't know whether to laugh or cry half the time." "And we're in, like, downtown." "I don't even know where we are." "I'm, like, I'll never get home." "Good evening, and welcome to Chapter Three of William Makepeace Thackeray's Backwash." "I'm Allison Janney." "Chapter Two ended with a cliffhanger." "Literally." "lmpulsively, Alec grabbed Kevin, and held him over the edge of Jules' fire escape after learning that Kevin had slept with Leslie." "Still upside down, Kevin responded with a simple, and yet touching," ""I love her, man."" "No, wait a minute." "I'm thinking of St. Elmo's Fire." "Hot damn, I love that movie!" "To be honest, I haven't seen Backwash." "But I have seen St. Elmo's Fire." "A lot." "And now," "Backwash." "Come with me." "William Makepeace Thackeray's Backwash." "Chapter Three. "Val was thrilled indeed" ""at the prospect of newfound wealth." ""So tickled was he, that he condescended to shake" ""Jonesy's hand for the first time in years."" "Well, how's about you, Jonesy?" "Robbing a bank all by yourself." "Now, we're set." "There's only one downside to it that I can see." "The police will undoubtedly be knocking on our door any minute, to take you away to prison, for many, many years." "I forget, do you go in for the tushie sex, or not so much?" "Relax, relax, here's what you do." "You call the police, tell them you were there." "You saw the assailant, they love that word, then make up a description, something totally different from you." "Something human." "Do you think that'll work?" "No." "That's right." "That's right, he's about 5'10", with brownish hair, and blond streaks, and a red bow tie." "That's exactly how he looked." "No, thank you, officer." "Done!" "Who could that be?" "Just paid the rent six months ago." "What did you do?" "Describe Fleming?" "No!" "Yes." "Losers!" "You are filthy, wretched losers." "Really?" "Can losers do this?" "The cops are in my apartment, I'm wanted to bank robbery." "I'm screwed!" "Relax, I know what to do." "Want some cocoa?" "No!" "Then I don't know what to do." "Twenty-five years of this crap." "Ever since we were kids, you guys have given me nothing but heartache." "1984, remember?" "You told me your Bar Mitzvah party was a masquerade." "I thought you guys said to dress up." "Look, everybody, it's the material girl!" "That was Val's idea." "Funny stuff!" "Then in '98, you took advantage of my love for the theater and made me invest in your horrible play." "People seem to make me sound a lot" "weirder..." "You seem distraught." "You seem distraught." "I'm strong, you know." "I'm strong, I can arm wrestle." "I mean, do you wanna arm wrestle?" "No." "I can kick!" "Okay." "Okay, you know what?" "I'm gonna go check the Top Ten list." "No, I'm sorry." "I'll be right back." "l lost all my savings." "It could've been worse." "How?" "I could've invested." "And then, a couple of minutes ago, both of you with the whole implicating me in a bank robbery thing." "Who could that be?" "Just paid the rent six months ago." "Losers!" "You are filthy, wretched losers!" "Well, that was just weird." "That was weird." "You've ruined me." "You're an ice cream man." "How much worse can your life get?" "That's not nice." "Yeah, that isn't nice." "No, this isn't nice." "You see the distinction?" "It was subtle, but I saw it." "Look, we're all in the same boat." "Odds are, the cops will be here any minute, and then we're all cooked." "There's only one thing we can do." "Flee!" "Big gay Nick, you've got a car, right?" "I'm not gay." "But you do have a car." "I have the Kreamy Kream truck." "Then it's settled." "We're off." "What, just up and leave?" "We've got 100 grand here." "We can reinvent ourselves." "There is a certain saucy romance to the notion." "Why, all it takes is the balls to do it!" "What do you say, my boy?" "This is nuts!" "I'm not ready." "I just got used to our toilet seat." "Everything we've ever dreamed of can be mine." "I'm gonna open an intercity gecko petting zoo." "Or maybe, I'll write the definitive Godzilla musical." "Or maybe, I'll self-publish my children's book, Skinks Poop, Too." "You like the lizards?" "I do." "What do you say, Jonesy?" "It'll be fantabulous!" "What about Clark, the invisible ferret?" "He comes with." "Yay!" "Let's do it!" "Jonesy, play us out." "ldiot savant." "Mainly idiot." "Hey, hey, hey, hey!" "Okay, we leave immediately with nothing but the clothes on our backs." "We're fugitives, and fugitives travel light." "Though, we should probably take the big bag of money." "Yeah, the money." "Moneybag's a good idea." "Hut, hut, hike!" "Clark, we're going on a trip." "This is it, fellas." "Oh, my gosh!" "Can I say it?" "Seacrest out." ""Our duo, now grown to three," ""the comrades sallied bravely from the apartment," ""unsure whither they were bound."" "Whither." "I'm Allison Janney saying, "Do yourself a favor and rent St. Elmo's Fire. "" "Now, may I have my 100 bucks please?" "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." "This is not Benjamin Franklin." "This is some other president that I'm not interested in." "And I need to talk to Josh Malina right now." "Hi, welcome to Chapter Four of Backwash." "I'm Ken Marino." "You may know me from movies such as Wet Hot American Summer, or Role Models." "Or maybe TV appearances that I've done, like Reaper, Reno 911," "CSI:" "Miami, Grey's Anatomy, the list goes on and on." "I did a recurring role on Dawson's Creek." "I played Professor Wilder." "Perhaps you know me from around the neighborhood, or the gym." "Or... I feel like you know how we know each other, and you're not saying anything." "Is that..." "Is that the case?" "Because if that's the case, you're being a real dick." "No?" "You're not being a dick?" "I feel like you're being a dick." "I'm not being a dick, because I'm trying to figure it out, and you're not helping me at all." "Are you?" "Are you?" "Are you, motherfucker?" "Hey, I'll tell you what." "I'll tell you what." "When I find out who you are, when I find out who you are, when I find out who you are," "I'm gonna come to your house, and I'm gonna take this fucking fist, and I'm gonna shove it so fucking far down your goddamn throat, you're gonna be shitting my goddamn hangnails." "Got it?" "How does that sound to you?" "Jacko!" "Backwash." "By William Makepeace Thackeray." "Chapter Four." ""There were three now in the carriage, as they sped ever further from town." ""The $100,000, safe in its shabby bank bag," ""served as a silent reminder of their common bond."" "You know, I've been driving for like four hours now, and frankly, I am bored." "I can't entertain you right this minute, Fleming." "I'm plotting our getaway route." "You know, this is supposed to be an adventure." "Let's enjoy it!" "I can't." "Not while I know the cops are out there, hot on our trail." "Make a right." "Oh, pooh!" "The last thing we need to worry about are the police." "Fresh roses, 94 cents." "All right, let's move it along, ma'am." "No loitering on our turf." "Lady!" "Up off your keister and scram!" "Now!" "Bleeker!" "Remember what I've taught you." "When you approach an assailant, it's important to take into account his or her social situation." "Observe." "My dear?" "You're going to come and live with me." "I will teach you how to speak and how to dance." "And if you're a good girl, you'll get chocolates and pretty dresses." "But, if you're a bad girl, you'll be taken to the Tower of London, and hanged by your neck, as a warning to other brazen street urchins." "I am a nice girl." "It's true." "You see?" "You ain't in a musical, Sarge." "She ain't Eliza Doolittle, and you ain't Bilbo Baggins." "Henry Higgins." "Bleeker, there's no police situation that cannot be addressed by using the great American Broadway songbook." "Thanks a hat load, Sarge." "But I'll stick with the great American Officer's Field Manual." "Here it is." "Lerner and Loewe's masterpiece." "My Fair Lady." "Not again, Sarge." "I'm begging you." "Cool your jets." "I got other options." "I got..." "I got Cats," "Avenue Q, Once On This Island, your pick." "How's about we do something other than show tunes?" "But..." "But..." "But they pump us up, Bleeks." "Drowsy Chaperone, bubbly trifle?" "No?" "Let's go classic!" "Les Miserables." "A haunting tale of 18th century police work." "Watermelon." "Can we sing a song?" "Play a game?" "Hold a seance?" "This is supposed to be a road trip." "No, none of that crap." "Make another right." "Maybe we could talk about what we're gonna do with the money." "That might be fun." "Fine." "I'll spend most of mine on wine, beer, spirits, beer, and girls." "With what's left, I'll buy a state-of-the-art toaster, in which I will toast the world's last remaining slice of wheaty wheat bread." "You?" "I'm gonna pay off my mom's car, put my niece through college." "Anything that's left over, I'm gonna plow right into my lizard projects." "Nothing for yourself?" "I don't know." "Maybe a chunky diamond bracelet." "You guys just drove in a giant circle." "Yeah, I might've been wrong about the four rights." "Kreamy Kream." "Hey!" "Those could be the guys from L.A. who pulled the bank heist." "I want Kreamy Kream." "Kreamy Kream." "Kreamy Kream, stop!" "Those guys won't pull over." "I'm telling you, Chief, these are the perps from the First..." "I gotta have a cocoa crunchy." "Cop car." "I'm freaking out!" "I'm freaking out!" "He's got his lights on." "He wants us to stop." "What should I do?" "You keep driving." "Don't pull over, no matter what." "You, self-soothe." "Happy thoughts." "Soft puppies and warm fireplace." "What are you gonna do?" "Just keep driving." "Jonesy..." "Clark, the invisible ferret." "A friendly tabby." "Old Uncle Al." "No, wait." "Not Uncle Al!" "He made me dance for him." "In shorts!" "Why, Uncle Al?" "Why?" "Sets of three!" "What do you need, boss?" "Come with me." "What are you two gonna do?" "The only thing we can do." "We're gonna throw ice cream novelties at the cops." "Of course!" "Let's do this." "Blueberry bubbler." "Blueberry bubbler." "What the hell?" "They're throwing ice cream at us!" "Watermelon splurge." "Watermelon splurge!" ""Faster and faster they labored," ""till the air was a hurly burly of frozen confections..."" "I know how I know you." "I know how I know you!" "You fingered my goddamn Shih Tzu!" "Good evening." "I'm Dule Hill." "Did you know that my name has an accent aigu?" "Well, it's true." "That's why I get very little e-mail." "Have you ever tried to find an accent aigu on a keyboard?" "Huge pain in the ass." "It's also true that I was born David Hershcorn and couldn't get arrested in this business until I changed my name and became black." "And for those of you who are short for time, here comes the most entertaining 15 seconds of the entire series." "Backwash, by William Makepeace Thackeray." "Chapter Five." ""End over end, the frozen treats sailed through the air," ""pelting the constables' carriage in quick succession. "" "What the hell?" "Got to get a cocoa crunchy!" "Come on, keep them coming." "Cocoa crunchy!" "Nippy nuggets." "Nippy nuggets." "I want cocoa crunchy!" "Blueberry bubbler." "Blueberry bubbler." "Tizzy wizzy pops." "Tizzy wizzy pops." "Watermelon splurge!" "Watermelon splurge!" "Be careful, Sarge!" "Nippy nuggets." "Nippy nuggets." "That's it!" "Give me the pound o'cream!" "The pound o'cream?" "Are you insane?" "Watch out, Sarge!" "Holy shit!" "Lamp post." "This is bad." "Hey, you all right, Sarge?" "I will hunt them down like vermin" "I will crush them underfoot" "For there's nothing can deter a man" "When his face is grimed with soot" "Yeah, you took a pretty bad bump to the cappy, Chief." "Why don't we get that looked at?" "You know, maybe grab a bite." "No more time for popping donuts" "If I don't find them, I will go nuts" "Five-J-R-Q-Six" "Nine" "Radio?" "Yes!" "Mama always said you better watch out for girls" "You're better off hanging out with the boys" "You don't have anything gayer?" "It's pouring fellas Let me tell you" "Well done!" "Yeah, yeah They are falling..." "Stop the truck!" "What happened?" "I have to make." "Look, the three of us need to split up." "Yeah." "Why?" "That's how they do it." "What do you mean?" "No idea, heard it on The Wire." "Why are you talking like that?" "That's how I roll." "The Wire again?" "True that." "Look, we split up now, lay low, when the heat dies down, we hook up again, plan our next move." "Where should we meet?" "Let's see." "Here we go. "The Topsy Turvy Diner," ""the most unique dining experience in Sacramento."" "That sounds great!" "Can we wear disguises?" "Why?" "It'd be really fun." "Fun is a noun, not an adjective." "Also, that's weird." "Well, dress up is healthy." "Healthful." "Dress up is healthful, and natural, and ironically, through role-play, we may just learn something about our own true identities." "Okay, disguises." "Yes, let's go." "This way?" "That way?" "This way!" "Val, it's me, Jonesy." "Yeah." "Well, you really went for it." "Oh, God, not again!" "Look, I've made a difficult decision." "I'm returning the money." "Why are you talking like that?" "It's part of my disguise." "Stop it!" "l stole, from the woman that I love, no less." "I feel terrible about it." "I can't take the guilt." "I'm giving it all back." "Jonesy." "No!" "Yes." "Hold on, wait a second." "There's three of us here." "Half of that money is mine." "Yeah, but I'm the one that stole it." "You guys didn't do anything." "Didn't do anything?" "I have raised you like my own adopted aids baby." "I'm the one who's wanted for bank robbery, and possibly double homicide." "And I say there's no way we're giving back that money." "If I give it back, Phoebe will forgive me." "And then we'll get married, and I'll finally have the sex." "I've thought it out." "We'll drive to Reno." "I'll walk up to the first roulette table I see, and bet it all on red." "That'll pay two to one." "Then, I can return the money we stole, and we'll still have our original stake." "That has got to be the single looniest plan I've ever heard." "We've actually got $100,000 in our possession, and you want to risk losing it all by betting on red?" "You should put in on black." "He's right." "Fine." "Black." "Let's order." "Hey, why do you suppose they call this place the Topsy Turvy Diner, anyway?" "No idea." "Say, pass the sugar." "Sure." ""The sugar dispenser, its behavior in contrary distinction" ""to the law of gravity, was but one sign" ""that something was amiss."" "I'm Dule Hill." "Thank you for watching." "Now where the hell did he say this thing was?" "Jon Hamm was right." "Matzo is delicious." "Good evening, I'm handsome masseuse, Michael Vartan." "You probably recognize me from movies like Rogue, or television series like Big Shots." "Or maybe you've even seen one of my projects that wasn't a complete creative and financial failure, like Alias, or Alias." "Welcome to this, the sixth chapter of Backwash." "Now, if you haven't been watching, what the fuck?" "Get it together." "Backwash, by William Makepeace Thackeray." "Chapter Six." ""Each of the three young gentlemen knew without voicing it" ""the hour of their destiny was upon them."" "Welcome, sir." "Here you go, my good man." "Enjoy." "Keep it close." "Thanks." "Reno, Nevada!" "Lights, music, people, action!" "I'm going to vomit." "Oh, my God, Lizza Minnellli's playing!" "I love me some Lizza Minnellli!" "It's not the real Liza." "Hurtful." "Why would you say that?" "Hunch." "Hope she remembers signing my ear outside the Wiltern Theater in '87." "Well, here we are, kid." "Okay, we'll hook up later tonight." "Don't attract any attention and don't do anything dumb." "I'll try." "One more thing." "Give me that bag." "What was that for?" "I honestly don't remember." "But don't do it again." "Let me know what happens." "Aren't you going with me?" "Can't." "Thanks to you I've got no drink." "Now, if you need me, I'll be holding court at the bar." "Val!" "Hey, baby!" "How's about a date?" "No, thank you, but thank you for asking." "I'm saving myself for a certain someone." "She's a special gal." "Innkeeper, bring your kit." "Yes, sir." "Mr." "James Bean, straight up." "All right." "Two fingers." "Lizza!" "Lizza!" "Lizza!" "Liz za!" "Lizza!" "Lizza!" "Cigarette?" "No, thank you." "Hello, darlings!" "Hi, Lizza!" "Let's have some fun." "Hit it, sister!" "Shut the fuck up." "Get the fuck out of here." "Get the fuck out!" "Sing it, Lizza!" "Number four, black." "Excuse me, sir, but the minimum bet for the table is $1,000." "Oh, is that right?" "Hold these, won't you?" "Jeeves, do your thing." "Really?" "Nothing?" "I love you, Lizza!" "Merci." "They're mine!" "Please, may I taste your strudel?" "Nein!" "No more bets, please." "Schmuck." ""But whither the ball ultimately alighted, they knew not yet."" "Again, with the "whither."" "Dude, seriously, find a new word." "It's ridiculous." "We done?" "That a wrap?" "Could you give us a sec?" "Cool." "Ridiculous." "Man, that was..." "That was fucking..." "That was money right there, baby." "What's up, man?" "Hey, nice job." "I got white stuff all over me." "I got white stuff all over me." "Good evening." "I'm Dancing with the Stars' Jeffrey Ross, filling in for Hume Cronyn, who couldn't be here tonight because he's dead." "As you no doubt remember, Chapter Six ended with" "Jonesy betting all $100,000 of the boys' stolen money on a single spin of the roulette wheel." "Schmuck." "Tonight we find out what sweet lady luck has in store for our three heroes." "Backwash, by William Makepeace Thackeray." "Chapter Seven." ""The young gentlemen's entire stake having been bet on 23," ""the roulette ball stood poised as if suspended in time" ""just above the dreaded slot of nine."" "Number 23, red!" "Yay." "Bottoms up, mein Freund." "What a day!" "Three and a half million dollars." "I'd have to sell an awful lot of Kreamy Kreams to make that kind of coin." "Jonesy, stop humping the money pile, get in here." "I can't help it." "It feels so good." "Man!" "I'm on a roll!" "That you are, buddy boy, that you are." "Cowabunga!" "You son of a bitch!" "Spoiled a lovely bath." "By the way, the Checkpoint Charlie suite, worst themed room ever." "Yeah, I know." "Hitler's Bunker was booked." ""Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall."" "I've always wanted to do that." "You've always wanted to quote Ronald Reagan and then kick over a mini replica of the Berlin Wall?" "Yes." "I find that difficult to believe." "Guys, we gotta leave town, stat." "Tonight?" "Now!" "But I've got tickets to go see Bettte Midititler." "This story's gonna get out fast." ""Pasty half-man wins three and a half million."" "We can't afford to get comfortable." "We've got to keep moving." "We're like a shark, the three of us." "Wait, wait, wait." "In what way are we like a shark?" "Well..." "In that we're largely made up of cartilage?" "No, I meant..." "I know!" "In that we're more afraid of humans than they are of us." "Not what I was going for." "We have three rows of teeth!" "ldiot!" "Do you have three rows of teeth?" "I did at birth." "Besides, I didn't say I was like a shark, you did." "He's right actually." "Thank you." "You're Malcolm." "Forget the shark!" "There's no shark!" "I never said "shark"!" "Sure you did." "You said it a lot." "He's just being silly." "Silly shark?" "You leave me no choice." "Tiny cookie!" "Hair!" "Now listen to me." "We got to get out of here right now or the cops are gonna find us and put us in prison." "Do you understand that?" "I'm afraid not." "We don't speak English." "Yeah, we're a shark." "Way to stand up for yourself." "No, I can't stand up." "I'm a shark." "One too many?" "One too many." "Darn, I always do that." "Because sharks have bad comic timing." "And scene!" "Okay, let's go." "Hang on, Val." "We're super rich." "Can't we just have un peu de fun?" "Can't we do a soupcon of one-stop shopping?" "New clothes, good idea." "It'll throw off the cops." "Yay." "Deal with it." "Bitch!" "Here she is." "And there you are." "Thank you, sir." "You know, that $10,000 tip, indiscreet." "It's a service economy." "I don't know what that means, but it's coming out of your fifth of the money." "Look, Sarge, look!" "Kreamy Kream truck at six o'clock." "Come now, Bleeker, don't be foolish" "Who wants ice cream when it's coolish" "You don't listen to me, Sarge." "I'm trying to tell you the bank robbers from Los Angeles, they were also driving a Kreamy Kream truck!" "Gee willikers." "I think they just came from here." "Good evening, officers." "You see a Kreamy Kream truck?" "Yeah." "Yeah, I did." "Were there three fellows in it?" "Yeah, there were." "They just left." "They went that way." "Did you note something suspicious?" "Did they look you in the eye?" "Bear in mind these three are vicious" "He and I, we nearly died" "It's weird, right?" "Yeah." "Well, they just seemed pretty normal" "Yes." "And they tipped me mighty huge" "They were dressed up kind of formal" "You don't say!" "And they left here on a..." "Luge" "Really?" "No." "I just got carried away." "I understand." "Five-J-R-Q-Six" "Nine" ""With profound intensity, Sergeant Belter" ""again declared his intent to pursue his prey" ""halfway across the world, if necessary."" "Now you know why I don't read." "But rumor has it there's a good book in here somewhere." ""Middle case, second shelf," ""book 11 ."" "Medicinal." "Thank you, Michael Vartan, you good-looking motherfucker." "Best-looking guy in the show." "After me and Jon Hamm." "Who else you having on?" "John Cho." "The Chinese guy from the pot movie?" "Who else?" "Hank Azaria." "Voiceover guy?" "Anybody famous?" "Ken Marino." "Like I said, anybody famous?" "Who else?" "We have Sarah Silverman." "He's funny." "Hi." "I'm Judaism's Sarah Silverman, and I'm gonna be your host for this," "Chapter Eight of Backwash." "But before we get back to the action," "I'm gonna take a moment to randomly choose a question from one of you, the viewers." "To the letter bin." "Funzee!" "Here we go." "Well, Albert in Redding, first of all, fuck you." "But secondly, you make a good point." "Why did Thackeray choose the title Backwash?" "Well, backwash, of course, comes from a Victorian term referring to the very last sip of your drink." "It is equal parts germs, bits of insects, saliva, and, of course, legitimate beverage." "And while it does taste vaguely like everything that came before it, it is also its own unique entity." "Remind you of a certain web series you know?" "So I say, bring on the backwash." "I'll drink to that." "Wow!" "And now, on to the book." "Backwash, Chapter Eight." ""Their travels had brought them to a stark and forbidding landscape," ""a place aptly named Lake Pupik."" "No, I don't want to do it." "Oh, God!" "Come on, already!" "I can't do it!" "You have to." "The cops have seen us, they're looking for this truck." "We ditch it, get a new ride, and power drive till we make it to Manhattan." "Okay." "Okay." "Just give me a minute." "Goodbye, old girl." "Through the good times and the bad, we've always been together, just you and me." "Getting Kreamy Kreams for the little ones." "I'll never forget you, Bess." "Now, for your own good, you gotta go." "Run, spirit wind." "Run." "Come on." "Get out of here, you stupid truck!" "You're dirty, you're nasty, and ugly!" "And I don't want you around no more!" "I hate you!" "I hate you!" "I hate you!" "I hate you!" "Now get out of here, you bucket of bolts!" "Git." "Fizzy wizzy pops." "You had to do it." "It's gonna be okay, Fleming, you'll see." "You're absolutely right, Jonesy." "As much as I enjoyed selling Kreamy Kreams, my true love has always been musical theater." "With the songs and the things?" "That's right." "A few years back I wrote a musical." "And when we get to New York, I'll finally be able to mount a full Broadway production with my dream cast." "And who's that?" "Steven Weber and Jamie-Lynn Sigler." "What's it about?" "It's a historical piece about a little-known, but very influential person." "You see, back in 1861 ..." "Eleven years Eleven years" "I'm tired of the struggle Fed up with the tears" "Damn this confection I can't reach perfection" "Oliver" "Your nonpareils are non peril" "Your knotted brittles always sell" "Why must you struggle with this cursed candy?" "When truffles and kisses and lollies are dandy" "Prudence Dear Prudence" "Sometimes you're just too dense" "If this nougat is no good" "The public won't grab it" "There's no good that's too good" "It's out there I'll have it" "Patience, Oliver." "Oh, you imbecile!" "Egg whites." "Of course!" "Oliver?" "It'll do, Prudence." "It'll do!" "Yes." "It'll do" "And curtain!" "God awful!" "I'd see it in a New York minute." "I'm extremely dizzy right now." "Up and at 'em, sailor." "We need new wheels." "Go buy us a car." "Why do I have to go?" "Because you're the closest to over there." "And you have impeccable taste." "I'll ski to that." "Super G. Super G." "Shopping time!" "Remember, nothing fancy." "We can't attract attention." "We need to travel under the radar." "Got it, Chief." ""Humming a jaunty tune," ""Tricky Nick Fleming happily trotted off" ""in quest of a new carriage."" "Awesome." "Please tune in for Chapter Nine." "I love you." "Hello." "Surprise." "I'm US Secretary of Education, Fred Willard." "And as such, I think a lot about young people." "That's why, today, I'm so excited to announce the launch of our new department website, designed to instill the joy of reading in the hearts of all our young people." "What we're doing is updating classic literature and infusing it with a 21st century, cutting-edge sensibility that the kids can really groove to." "Our first projects are already online." "They are The Cyber Blog of Anne Frank and Charles Dickens' A Tale of Two Schizzles." "I got with it, parents, you can, too." "To access them tell your kids to open up their lnternet browser windows..." "Paul, hold up the cards." "And type in... I guarantee they'll think you're dope, man." "Can you dig it?" "As the kids say, "Let's rock and roll, shall we?"" "It's now time for Chapter Nine of Backwash, by William Makepeace Thackeray." ""The moon in its fullness illuminated Lake Pupik," ""and the two young gentlemen who lay supine beside it."" "Gosh!" "What a beautiful harvest moon!" "Thanks." "Funny how things work out." "Who'd have thought it'd be you to make us filthy rich." "What do you think the gang back at ODB would say?" "I haven't thought about those old, dirty bastards in years." "Flashback!" "Flashback!" "Flashback!" "Flashback!" "Good morning, gentlemen, and lady." "I'm Valderon Flunch." "I believe you know my partner, Sonny May Jones." "Long story short, we believe there's a vast, untapped niche market out there for your product." "Traditionally, adult diapers have been positioned in the marketplace as a product for the old and infirm." "Our campaign sheds that stuffy image and instead targets the 18 to 35-year-old upwardly mobile consumer." "They're confident, they're active, and frankly, they're just too busy to stop and go potty." "Gentlemen, and lady, together we can make Proactive Adult Diapers sexy!" "Hi, I'm John Stamos." "You might recognize me for my work as Blackie on General Hospital, or my darkly comic turn as Uncle Jesse on TV's Full House." "But I bet there's something you don't know about me." "I just pooped." "Hey, I'm 25, I'm single, and I'm on the move." "And sometimes I just haven't got the time to stop and sit down." "But thanks to these..." "I don't have to." "I can live my life the way I want with Proactive." "The secret to this revolutionary new product is the patented" "Proactive Adult Diaper." "PAD." "A patented fusion of titanium and gravel, the practipad whisks away the wee-wee in your bang-bang, keeping your skin dry and oh, so smooth." "So whatever your walk of life is, do yourself a favor and start living your life proactively with Proactive." "Proactive Adult Diapers, that is." "That campaign didn't go over very well." "Kiddo, we were ahead of our time." "Say, toss some more fuel on the fire." "Three thousand okay?" "Sounds about right." "What the hell?" "Hi!" "Hi, guys." "What do you..." "What..." "Shut the fuck up!" "Cheese and crackers!" "What do you think?" "To die for, right?" "Make sweet love to a duck!" "What?" "Too much?" "Don't you love it?" "Go on." "Get out of here, you stupid Mariachi float." "Nobody wants you here." "You're garish." "You hear me?" "Garish!" "Trumpet bubbles." "You had to do it." "You'll be okay, you'll see." "You're absolutely right, Jonesy." "You're nuts." "Well, looks like we're sleeping here tonight." "Hey, I'm hungry." "No problem." "I saw this on the Discovery Channel." "Seriously?" "Sandwiches!" "Corned beef on rye, tuna salad, turkey and Swiss." "Step aside." "The sap of the alpine fir will make a spot-on substitute for Russian dressing, and these brambles and grasses will make a coarse, but pleasantly pungent faux-tato salad." "Now let's go build that shelter." ""Having provided the trio with fresh food stuffs," ""Fleming next turned his attention to the matter of sanctuary."" "That was wonderful, wasn't it?" "A book can be your best friend." "I love reading." "I can't wait to see what happens in Chapter Ten." "Meanwhile, I think I'll browse and see what's up here." "I might get into something else." "This one looks interesting." "And not too challenging." "It's by Reginald Thigpen Breeley." "I don't know him." "It's "Don't Make Me Tackle You." ""Great Jewish Offensive Linemen of the 20th century."" "I like to go right to the pictures." "This man is crouching down and crying." "There must be a story behind that." "Here's offensive tackle Dan Rubenstein." "He holds the record for most games without ever making physical contact." "Here he is being yelled at by his coach, and he's wetting himself." "Here he is being yelled at..." "By his mother." "She's also in uniform." "Good evening." "I'm two-time SAG Award nominee and star of 24, Mary Lynn Rajskub." "You know, having three names can profoundly impact a young person's developing psyche." "Some grow up to leave long-lasting legacies of remarkable achievement, like polar explorer Robert Falcon Scott," "US President Franklin Delano Roosevelt, and, well, me." "Two-time SAG Award nominee and star of 24, Mary Lynn Rajskub." "Still others gravitate towards self-aggrandizing shtick and cheap comedy, like VH1's talking head, Michael Ian Black." "Happily, tonight we are here to enjoy Backwash, by William Makepeace Thackeray," "whose three names are synonymous with literary achievement." "I give you Backwash, by William Makepeace Thackeray." "Chapter Ten." ""Peckish and fatigued from the day's vagaries," ""our hungry heroes enjoyed a lakeside banquet."" "These are incredible." "Yup." "You really can taste the difference with fresh-caught." "I never thought I'd say this, but I underestimated you." "You, sir, are a composed, capable and an all-around asset to the team." "Thanks, Val, I appreciate that." "I was talking to Jonesy." "Really?" "Thanks!" "And I didn't mean it." "Goodness me!" "What was that?" "Relax, kid." "Nature playing tricks with you." "Let's all go to sleep." "Get up early in the morning, hit the road, put some miles between us and those cops." "Sweet dreams." "Right on." "Okay!" "Good..." "Good night." "Carefully, on tiptoe stealing" "Breathing gently as we may" "Every step with caution feeling" "We will softly steal away" "Jonesy, I know you didn't mean to steal that money." "All is forgiven." "Take me." "Take me, Jonesy." "Take me." "You're Madam Helga's now, big boy." "I'll break you in two." "You'll beg me to stop." "Even as you beg me for more!" "More!" "Bye!" "Hard on!" "Hard on!" "Hard on!" "Hard on!" "Yeah." "Okay!" "Look, let's scatter the ashes, dust off over our prints, and hit the road." "With any luck, we'll find some place to buy a new car." "The cops will never know we were here." "My God, your dick is big!" "Let's go!" "No, not so fast." "Seems I've got my prey at last" "Bravo, Capitan!" "Bravo!" "I'm just saying, purely for artistry, you gotta give it to him." "You're wonderful." "Thank you." "Hold on, one Nevada nano-second!" "Schnikes!" "We just woke up." "Well, wake up to this." "You're under arrest." "Go ahead, Chief." "Sing them their rights." "No No, you do it, Bleeker" "This is your moment" "Awful." "You've been a dazzling supporting player all these years." "Now, take center stage." "You know you want to." "Oh, God, do I ever, Chief, but I don't know..." "Bleeks, I believe in you." "That's what I've been wanting to hear." "You have the right to remain silent" "Cause you've been violent" "Anything you choose to say may be used against you" "On the day you go to trial" "You have been vile" "Come on, go ahead, Chief." "You do it." "You have a right to an attorney" "Played by Meredith Baxter-Birney" "See what I did there, Chief?" "I made a funny." "Okay, keep your focus." "You're losing them." "Sorry, boss." "On this cold and dire night" "You've been sung your Miranda Rights" "So keep your hands in the air" "Like you just don't care" "And move over there" "Boy!" "Now, Clark!" "Oh, Jesus!" "Oh, God!" "Clark, show them you can do it." "This way..." "That way..." "This way." "Good job, Clark." "Time lapse." "Time lapse." "Now I've lost my special friend" "I have to see this to the end" "Chief, I'm alive." "Now that my little pal is slain" "Is but one goal that still remains" "To see that Bleeker has not died in vain" "Five-J-R-Q-Six" "Nine" "Still here." ""And for yet a third time," ""the obsessed constable blurted his vengeful intentions."" "I liked it." "Not a lot, but I liked it." "I could really go for..." "What's that Jewish cracker called?" "Matzo." "Yeah." "Matzo." "Fuck!" "They ate it all." "That Dule Hill!" "What a pig!" "Good evening." "I'm two-time Academy Award attendee John Cho." "Welcome to Chapter 11 of Backwash." "Backwash is directed by Danny Leiner, a kindly Jew who, in 2003, plucked me from the streets of Seoul, South Korea, where I was exotic dancing for tips, and made me a star in Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle." "Now I'm playing Hikaru Sulu in the billion dollar Star Trek franchise, and he's directing a web series, which is, of course, half a step up from exotic dancing on the streets of Seoul, South Korea, for tips." "Show business." "She's a cruel and ironic mistress." "Let's begin." "Come." "Yummy." "Backwash, by William Makepeace Thackeray." "Chapter 11 ." ""Having dispatched the police," ""our heroes hastily made their escape," ""procuring an inexpensive carriage" ""and stopping only for vittles and fresh raiment."" "Horny motherfucker." "I'm not buying it, my friend." "It was the only size zero they had." "You know, you are almost relentlessly negative." "Yes, I'm working on that last little bit." "Val, we're rich, we're free, we're white." "We're seeing the USA." "Can't you just enjoy it?" "No, I can't." "Someone's gotta be the daddy of this little family, making sure we stay one step ahead of those two meshuggener cops." "Well, I've got a good feeling." "I think, thanks to Jonesy and Clark, those police will leave us alone now." "That's the difference between you and me, Fleming." "You see the glass as half full, and I'm handsome." "Yeah." "That sandwich made me logy," "Donal Logue-y." "I'm going sleepy." "All right, that's a great idea." "That way you won't say things, and I won't hear them." "You know, you treat him like a child." "He is a little bit like a child." "A big, dumb, greasy, hideous, deeply-disturbed child." "You've got to urge him to be more independent." "Flap his wings." "When he turns 40, I was gonna get him a cell phone." "He doesn't need you anymore, Val." "You're holding him back." "Oh, really?" "Where am I?" "Who am I?" "What am I doing here?" "Who are you?" "Why is this happening to me?" "What time is it?" "I feel moist." "I want a muffin." "You were saying?" "Look at that." "Schicklgruber's German Biergarten." "We'll be stopping there, mein Freund." "I'm bored." "Me, too." "No, no." "We've been through this already." "No songs, no car games." "Please?" "Please?" "Please?" "Please?" "Please?" "Please?" "Okay." "Yay!" "Is it bigger than a bread box?" "No!" "Is it smaller than a bread box?" "No!" "Is it a bread box?" "Yes!" "No two are exactly alike." "Schicklgruber's." "We're getting there, fellows." "What an amazing dancer!" "55 miles." "Sweet, sweet beer." "A thousand bottles of beer on the wall" "A thousand bottles of beer" "Dear Lord, no!" "You take one down You pass it around 999 bottles of beer on the wall" "999 bottles of beer on the wall 999 bottles of beer" "One fell What the hell?" "998 bottles of beer on the wall" "I am begging you two." "998 bottles of beer on the wall 998 bottles of beer" "You take off the top You drink till you drop 127 bottles of beer on the wall" "Yay, we're here." "Please be open for breakfast." "126 bottles of beer on the wall 126 bottles of beer" "You take a sip Don't be a drip 125 bottles of beer on the wall" ""The beer they dreamed of just a stone's throw away," ""Jonesy and Fleming pressed on," ""determined to finish their song."" "I'm John Cho." "Thanks for watching." "Danny Leiner, a couple of tips." "One, you don't want to get in your head with the dancing and the whatnot, really." "It's really more about tableaus." "And just sharp..." "They like..." "It's really a visual thing more than anything else." "Don't think rhythm, don't think music, don't get in your head about it, too." "I would say..." "Smile." "It's like 30% of it, really." "Thirty to 35% of it." "Would I go for a drink with you?" "I'm married." "Just a drink?" "Yeah, sure, just a drink." "The next thing, it's like, we're doing the nasty, you and me." "I'm kidding..." "David." "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen." "I am David Wain's David Wain." "Welcome to this, the penultimate chapter of William Makepeace Thackeray's Backwash." "I wonder what's going to happen." "I bet it'll be very penultimate." "Shall we check it out?" "I'd like to." "The book, as always, right here." "Backwash, by William Makepeace Thackeray." "Chapter 12, the penultimate chapter." ""They sat at their dinner table surveying their surroundings" ""and found themselves, on the whole, well pleased" ""with what met their eye."" "You know, I haven't traveled much, but I really do feel like I'm in Germany." "All that's missing is the stench of death." "Where are the jackbooted waiters?" "Hey, waitress, over here." "Why don't you skip machen to the table laden and take our order Geschaft." "Guten Abend, fellows." "Welcome into Schicklgruber's." "I'll be your waitress." "My name is Peanut." "What can I get you?" "I'm sorry?" "What?" "Never mind." "We'd like three of your most enormous beers." "And I'll have a hamburger." "Fried chickie basket for me, cluck, cluck." "And you?" "He'll have the burger also." "Okay." "I will be right back." "Say, you did good." "I think she likes you." "Really?" "No." "She's an angel." "I would gladly give my life just to hold her hand." "What about your beloved, Phoebe?" "I know, I don't understand it myself, but everything I once felt for Phoebe, I now feel for her, threefold." "It's incredible." "You know, you should ask out that little peanut." "You think?" "Hey, Dave, you got anymore of that LSD-laced ecstasy?" "How many hits you want?" "Just two." "You want to pay me this time?" "If this works out, I'm gonna be rolling in loot." "Yeah, right." "X marks the spot!" "Okay, and beers all around." "These two extra special ones are for you." "And this is for you." "I'll be damned." "You got a wink." "I told you." "Oh, my God!" "I think she likes me." "Well, here's to the shocking and remote possibility of Jonesy getting some." "Hear!" "Hear!" "I'll drink to that." "You are a silly bird." "You are." "You're silly..." "You're..." "Guys." "Let's get out of here." "Nick!" "We are going to take a walk." "Yeah." "You're a good boy." "Wait!" "Don't leave me alone." "Sonny May Jones." "You must do this alone." "Looks like it's just you and me, kiddo." "I have no right to hope, believe or pray that you'd give me the time of day." "But I've reached a point in my life, where I've got nothing left to lose." "So I say to you, sweet angel, that I find you radiant, and intriguing, and I'd like to get to know you better." "And if that would lead to kissing or cuddling or gentle fingering..." "Then so much the better." "I'm sorry." "That sounded a lot more Hugh Grant-y in my head." "You did just fine, honey lips." "Come on upstairs." "Must grab bags." "I see you." "I see you." "Rainbow!" "Rainbow!" "Double rainbow." "Triple rainbow." "Fleming, me lad." "Have I ever told you you're beautiful?" "No, mate." "You haven't." "Well, then, you're beautiful." "I think I'll dance a jig for you." "Very nice." "Would you like some flowers?" "I do love daisies." "Well, here you go then..." "Thanks, chum." "How about a little privacy?" "Be a dear and close the door." "Will do." ""Even as one door closed," ""another, the door to deeper friendship, opened."" "I think I'll dance a jig for you." "Good evening." "I'm still Jon Hamm." "Welcome to this, the lucky 13th and final chapter of Backwash." "Now let's do this thing." "Backwash, by William Makepeace Thackeray." "Chapter 13." ""Jonesy sat, perched nervously on the divan," ""encouraging his own timid heart to take the great plunge."" "How about a little music?" "What do you like?" "Lady Gaga?" "Lil Wayne?" "Norah Jones?" "Beatles?" "I don't know." "Do you have anything in the public domain?" "Thrifty!" "I like it." "So, tell me something about yourself." "Like what?" "I don't know." "Just want to get to know you better." "Tell me about your background." "Okay, sure." "There's a lovely, but simple hanging lamp, a sack, then opera lady Viking hat?" "You're funny." "Wow!" "Did that just happen?" "Have we met before?" "No!" "Don't be crazy." "It's not you I dislike." "It's me." "I understand." "Truth be told, I adore you, chum." "And little Sonny May Jones as well." "The problem is, I've got daddy issues." "You just need a helping hand." "Me pa's smothering me, but that'll change when I make me toast." "Oh, Val, it's not about what's in here." "It's about what's in here." "Point taken, friend." "Can I have me heart back?" "Okey-dokey, chum." "Well, this is very pleasant." "Jonesy?" "Yes?" "Can I get in?" "Well, that would be even more fun." "Oh, Peanut." "You complete me." "You had me at "Guten Abend. "" "Nice things are happening down there." "Say..." "Who'd you reckon that is?" "It's the blue nasties, my man." "Do you suppose we should flee?" "Do let's, but all the while let's turn cartwheels and summersaults and generally monkey about." "So, tell me something personal." "Something you never told anyone before." "What's your deepest, darkest secret?" "I got nothing." "No!" "Peanut?" "Yes?" "There is one thing." "Yes?" "If you invite me over to swim, I'm probably going to pee in your pool." "Good night." "Here, piggy, piggy." "Come and get us." "Don't fight the love, piggies." "I'll take the albino piggy." "I'll take the little one with the big eye." "Love bomb, coming at you." "That's for you, sugar tits." "I wish I could have shared my secret with you, Jonesy, but how could I tell you that the woman you know as Peanut is really..." "Phoebe!" "From the first time we met," "I felt a spark." "Next client, please." "Next, please." "A kinship." "But then you stole from me." "And you stole more than money that day." "You took my life from me, Jonesy." "I got fired because of you." "At first, I turned to strong drink and panhandling." "Up off your keister and scram, now." "And then I became a lady of the night." "Selling my body because I had lost my soul." "I used to say "argh" a lot back then." "Finally, I decided to straighten out my life." "I hitchhiked to Lake Pupik and wandered, obsessing about getting that money back." "All I wanted was that cash back." "That cash back." "Cash back." "Cash back." "Cash back." "Cash back." "I thought it was saying "flashback."" "And then, of all the nearly authentic German beer gardens in all the towns, in all the world, you walk into mine." "My heart was racing, my mind spinning." "I felt pulled a thousand different ways." "Love, rage, desire, remorse, hunger." "I knew then that we had some unfinished business." "Even just an hour ago, I thought we could still be together." "If you had admitted what you did to me and asked for forgiveness." "I was too ashamed." "Phoebe." "Peanut." "Phoeb-nut." "I love you." "What are you..." "Don't!" "You've left me no choice." "No!" "I loved you, Sonny May Jones." "I wonder why she didn't use the door." "We've got to run." "The little piggies are close behind." "I got some very bad news." "The money's gone." "Peanut stole it." "Buzz kill." "This night's so still and starry" "Seems at last we've got you" "Don't, Chief." "Where's the loot?" "Went that a way." "Hey, Sarge, there she goes with it." "You stay here, Bleeks." "I'll get the loot." "No, Sarge, no." "Take me with you." "I'm scared." "ldiot!" "This isn't finished" "So long, coppers!" "Wait for me, Sarge!" "Wait for me!" "I wonder why they didn't use the door." "Val, wait." "You screwed the pooch, Jonesy." "Now I'll never own a toaster." "Never be free." "I'll figure something out." "I'll get some more money." "I'm through with you." "I wonder why he didn't use the window." "You know, he's taken care of me for 25 years." "Not you, too!" "This might be just what you need." "You betrayed the triumvirate, Jonesy." "For a girl!" "Door or window?" "That was weird." "Here's your Chihuahua." "This looks like ass." "Piss off." "There you go." "I'm not catching ass." "Hola?" "Hello, Nick." "Val?" "It's Val." "I can't believe I'm gonna say this, but I miss you, old boy." "I miss you, too, Val." "Where are you?" "I'm in Brooklyn, New York." "And you?" "Brooklyn, New York?" "What a coincidence." "I'm in Oaxaca, Mexico." "That's crazy." "You should come see me." "I'll be right there." "It's hot, and so are you." "Val!" "So good to see you." "You know who else I miss?" "Who?" "Jonesy." "Which one's that?" "The little one who lost the money." "Yes, the little one." "Where is he?" "Greenland!" "We should hop on over there." "Let's." "It's cold in Greenland." "On three?" "One, two, three..." "Surprise!" "Fellows!" "Jonesy." "Come on..." "l missed you." "Polar bunny!" "Run away!" "Run!" "Play dead." "Let's..." "Do..." "This." "What the hell?" ""The intentions of the trio were crystal clear."" ""But what would actually transpire inside the bank?" ""That, dear reader, is a tale for another day."" "Cliffhanger." "It was a surprisingly good movie." "It makes you wonder why Sylvester Stallone and Renny Harlin never got together for a sequel." "Missed opportunity." "Speaking of," "I also wonder whether Val, Fleming, and Jonesy will be able to rob the First National Fidelity Trust Bank a second time." "By ending his novella this way, Thackeray certainly implies the existence of a second Backwash manuscript." "But what are the odds of that ever turning up?" "After all, there are an awful lot of bidets in London." "I've been Jon Hamm." "You've been patient." "Now, go away." "Subrip: easytobeaman" "Are you kidding me?" "I'm gonna kill that Dule Hill." "Do I have to write my name on every piece of food I bring in?" "I brought this in." "This is not Dule's." "This is Du-mine." "I know that isn't a good pun." "It makes sense to me." "Because it makes sense to me." "Did you see Shine, about the pianist?" "I have my own system." "It has nothing to do with him being black." "It has almost nothing." "It has maybe 1% of that." "I'm coming to get you." "I'm gonna Google your address, I'm gonna come to your house, and I'm gonna fucking beat you with a bat, you fucking liar." "You fucking liar." "I'm gonna fucking kill you." "You fucking liar." "I'm gonna eat you up." "I'm gonna eat your brains, motherfucker." "I'm gonna eat your heart." "Fuck you." "Nobody fucking fingers my Shih Tzu." "Except me." "Except me." "It's my dog." "It's my rescue." "We have a history."