" Hey,everyone." " Hey,Gracie.I'm just finishing up a joke here." "So the prostitute says,"If you're an elf,these aren't your pants."" "You know,I don't like to point fingers," "Gracie,but you kind of messed up the timing on that." "Gracie,honey,why don't you run into my office." "Seriously,run." "So is today the day her whole class is coming in for that field trip?" "Yeah,she just didn't want to ride the bus." "I used to hate riding the bus." "I wasn't really one of the cool kids." "They'd play keep-away with my flute case." "I would have just walked to school,but I had exercise-induced asthma." "But it's fine,we're going to get through this." "We're not that kid anymore." "Well,I don't know what all that was, but I love when the kids come in." "I've got a big surprise for those moppets." "You're reading "Casey at the Bat" again." "Sure am.They love it every time." "They are riveted." "They are riveted because they're watching a 60-year-old man have a nervous breakdown." " I will not cry this year." " That's what you said last year." " I was going through some things last year." " You also said thatlast year." "You know,maybe you're the one who's afraid he's going to cry." "Have you ever thought about that?" "Not since you suggested it last year." "Okay,Montana,you've got an extra 30 seconds to cover the flooding of the Mongahela River." "Um,I would like to cover that,I would, but I don't really think that fits under the jurisdiction of weather." "It's a flood." "She can't say Monongahela." "You can't say Monongahela?" "I just can't wrap my mouth around it.Shut up,Gary." "Hey,what if I gave it a nickname,like "the Mighty M" is flooding"?" "It'll be fun." "Yeah,people love to have fun while they're loading cats and photo albums into rowboats." "Gary,what are you working on?" "I'm finishing up my expos\ on city building contracts." "Back burner.They got a new hip" "But this could be big,there could be corruption as high as City Hall." "We're not in the "could be" business,we're in the "is" business." "And thereisa baby hippo in a diaper and a tu waiting to be interviewed." "And you know what,this may be a good time to mention that these meetings seem to be starting and later every day." "So if we could all,just..." "Okay,good meeting,everybody." "I know how this looks." "Like I skipped the staff meeting to play tennis." "Oh,hi,Gracie." "Don't you have school today?" "My class is coming here for a field trip." "And I didn't want to ride the bus." "She's having a problem with one of the boys in her class, but I'm calling the principal,handle it." "Oh,yeah?" "Who is this punk?" "Xander.He pulls my hair and calls me "Grace the Face."" "Okay,then you pull his hair and call him,"Xander the..."" " What's his last name?" " Tucker." "Just pull his hair then." "You know,hair pulling isn't going to solve anything." "You know what,you're right." "Try this...flick his ear." "If you do it just right,it can really hurt." "Thanks,Chuck,but Gracie's not going to flick anybody's ear." "We're going to handle this in a mature way,right,Gracie?" "If I'm so mature,why can't I drink Frappuccinos?" "Because the last time you drank one, you told a two hour knock-knock joke,okay." "You know,every tiing whether I should have included you in the parenting process, you come up with just the right amount of stupid." "It happens to be the right way to handle the situation." "No,no,no,no." "The right way to handle it is to schedule a conflict resolution session with the teacher, the principal,and the school psychologist." "This is not Yalta.It's two kids for God's sake." "Let them work it out themselves." "What,by being violent?" "It's hardly violent.It's just a little flick of the ear..." "See?" "I barely even noticed that." "If I were a ten-year-old boy..." "You better stop that now." "Back To You Season 1 Episode 6" "Coming up on News 9-- he's caused thousands of dollars in damages, but now police have caught the graffiti king." "And a day full of rain brings a flood advisory and rising river levels." "All this,plus the Virgin Mary in an oil puddle,tonight at 6:00." "We're clear." "Okay,that's it,kids.That's a promo." " Stand up straight,peanut." " Mom!" "Peanut." "Does anyone have a question for Mr. Church?" "Did they memorize all that?" "No,they read it off this teleprompter." "You mean,they don't have to know anything?" "They just have to read?" "You said it,I didn't." "Come here,buddy." "Are you interested in the news?" "Oh yeah,I watch CNN and MSNBC." "And the Food Network." "Hey!" "That's not cool." "People come in all shapes and sizes and you don't make fun of somebody just 'cause they were born with a slow metabolism." "No,actually,I do like the Food Network." "I did an oral report on it." "With his mouth full!" " Hey!" " No,I did do it with my mouth full." "I thought it'd be funny.It wasn't." "I got an F." " Yeah,F is for fat!" " Hey!" "No,that was the title,"F is for Fat."" "Can you stop drawing attention to me now?" "Well,I'm going to turn things over now to one of our field reporters." "Gary,what are you working on today?" "My resume." "He's doing a story about a baby hippo at the zoo." "Actually,I'm an investigative reporter." "It's my job to find out what people are trying to hide and then dig up the truth." "You might recall my expos\ last year on fraudulent gas pump meters, which resulted in a fairly significant class action suit." "What's the baby hippo's name?" "Crinkles." " How much does he..." " No more questions." "Mohongania." "Molonganala." " Ma." " Ma." " Non." " Non." " Ga." " Ga." " Hayla." " Hayla." " Monongahela." " Monongahula." " Ma." " Ma." " Non." " Non." " Ga." " Ga." " Hayla." " Hayla." " Monongahela." " Monongahlula." " Ma." " Ma." " Non." " Non." " Ga." " Ga." " Hayla." " Hayla." " Monongahela." " Molongala." "Hey,gang,do you know who I am?" "You're the sports guy." "That's right,since 19..." "Anyway,today I have something that will appeal not just to you sports fans, but also poetry fans, like,I would guess...this guy." "Marsh,you don't want to embarrass yourself." "This isn't like the old days." "These kids have cameras in their phones." "I'm not gonna cry.I'll bet you a hundred bucks." " Fine." " You know what,let's make it $150." "I need a new suit." "I don't even want to see a suit that costs $150." "And as our action-packed tour continues, that is the office where our anchors work." "And the reporters have desks out here like animals." " Ow." " Cut it out,Xander." " Did you see that?" " What?" "That kid just pulled Gracie's hair.Hey,you!" "What are you doing?" "I'm gonna show him who's boss." "You just don't manhandle another human being that way." "That's ridiculous..." "Ow,ow,ow." "What are you doing?" "Are you crazy?" "That is a ten-year-old child." "He pulled her hair." "So you've gone from letting them work it out on their own bad idea to jumping into the fight yourself?" "I'm sorry,this wave just came over me." "I think it might have been my first paternal impulse." "Well,that's great,we'll have cake later." "In the meantime,control your impulses." "You're supposed to be my co-worker and nothing else." "I will handle this in a mature and nonviolent way." "This is an ugly side of you." "I am her mother and I work alone." "She is half mine." "Just so you know,I'm not a fool." "I've known what's going on for a long time." "All the whispering," ""she's half mine,what aredo about her?"" "We were going to tell you,Gary." "You guys are buying a boat." "I told you he'd figure it out." "If you want to keep your giant salaries a secret you might remember that there's an investigative reporter working this beat,okay?" "So on tv,it look like I'm in front of a map of Pittsburgh." "I have to look at the image over there, but I have to gesture over here It's insane." " It looks easy." " Well,thank you." "When you do it right,it does look easy." "I bet I could do it." "Aren't you confident?" "Somebody's parents are still together." "Well,why don't you come up and give it a try." "Hey,Gus,can we have today's weathercast on the teleprompter up here?" " Okay." " Okay,do your best." "Well,the rain is continuing here in most of western Pennsylvania with a stubborn low-pressure system." "That means the low lying regions have an increased possibility of flooding." "particularly along the Monongahela River." "Now..." " as we turn to the five day forecast..." " Okay,that's enough.That's enough." " But I didn't finish." " Oh,no,you're done,sweetie,you're done." " Hey,can I borrow your phone?" " Why?" "Because my cousin lives by the Mongahela River and I want her to know that the Monongahela might flood." "She's right on Monongahela Drive..." " Hey,she's pretty good." " Shut up,Gus." "Honey,you're smart,but you're ten." "Just see where all this goes." "Okay,kids,everyone gather round the news desk." "It's time for our very own sportscaster,Marsh McGinley, with one of the great poems of American history." "Who's ready to get really uncomfortable?" "The outlook wasn't brilliant for the Mudville Nine that day." "The score stood four to two..." "Well,that's better than he did last year." "What are you glaring at?" "Xander." "Just showing the little runt who's who and what's what." "Well,stop it." "It just looks weird,a grown man staring at a bunch of children." "Their teacher's ten seconds away from callingDateline." "I have a right to protect her." "She's my daughter,too." "I don't care if you named your first boat" "She's My Daughter.We're not calling this one She's My Daughter II." " Hey,Gary." " Hey,Gare.What's going on?" "Oh,my goodness." "I didn't get it till just this second." "But it's so obvious." "The reason I didn't get a raise this year is because they gave you two enough money to buy that huge boat." "I'll tell you what you should name it." "TheScrew You Gary." "Okay,gang,Uncle Gary's gonna use his master's degree in journalism to show you where he parks his eight-year-old Camry." "That is twice we almost got caught.Would you get a grip?" "I'd like to get a grip of that little punk." "See how he does with somebody his own size." "You're like three times his size." "Xander,cut down.That hurt." "I'm his size." "Listen,you little thug." "That is the last time you bother my daughter." "If y breathe near her again," "I will come into your while you are sleeping and I will rip your head off!" "Got it?" "Why are you still here?" " I don't know where the parking lot is." " It's out the door and to the left." "Be careful,there's a step." "You were incredible." "By God,it was like a lioness protecting her cub." "I was a lioness,wasn't I?" "Oh,my God,that feel so good." "I mean,it's one thing to talk it out,but sometimes you just got to..." "Okay,champ,got a little adrenaline flowing there." "We are like animals,aren't we?" "I mean animals don't talk.They just..." "Okay,that's what killed Houdini." "You did this." "I mean I know I give you a lot of grief, but I got to give you some credit this time." "Okay,that's enough." "I'm gonna have blood in my urine." " Excuse me,Ms. Carr?" " Yeah." "Hi.I hate to bother you." " And thanks again for letting us come here today." " Sure." "But... did you have some sort of altercation with Xander Tucker?" "Oh,yes,actually." "He pushed my daughter down and I suggested that he stop." "Ah,well,whatever you did,I'm sure he deserved it." "But he's claiming that you threatened to come to his house and tear his head off." "Well,I think we both know I didn't say that." "Why are you winking at me?" "Because it didn't happen." "Oh,I get it." "Well,in that case,then Xander didn't call his mother and she's not furious and on her way to see you." "Hey,what are you doing out here by yourself?" "Fixing my glasses." "Somebody accidentally stepped on them." ""Accidentally."" "Listen,I know this seems hard to imagine now, but I used to be a lot like you." "I didn't have a lot of friends and the only girls who even talked to me were these two exchange students from Bangladesh" "Padma and Big Padma." "Hey,Brian,come on,we're gonna see the satellite dishes." "I'll be right there." "Aw,who's that?" "Eliza,my girlfriend." "That's your girlfriend?" "You have a girlfriend?" "How did you get a girlfriend?" "She was freaking out 'cause she didn't study for her math test, so I pulled the fire alarm-- test got postponed," "I got suspended,but I got a girlfriend." "Hey,Ryan." "Montana,look..." "I,uh..." "I know you've been freaking out about the whole Monongahela story, so I've made a decision." "You don't have to do it." " I'm giving it to Chuck." " Really?" "Management's not gonna like it," "I might get suspended," " but so be it." " Oh,thank you,Ryan!" "That is such a relief." "I was so upset,I ate lunch today." "You like her?" "Maybe." "Well,if you want to take it to the next level..." "Okay,okay...this is crazy." "I'm adult,you're ten.I'm good." "Okay then,I'm gonna catch up with my class." "You know what?" "I'm going that way anyway." " What do I owe you,$150?" " 'Fraid so." "Hey,um,can I ask you something?" "You're usually not such a sensitive guy." "I mean,I've seen you laugh at footage of bullfighters being gored." "Yeah." "So what is it about this goofy poem that affects you so much?" "Well,I'll tell you,Gary." "When I was a little boy,I had a terrible stutter." "Kids all made fun of me." "When the teacher would call on me" "I'd pretend I didn't know the answer just so I wouldn't have to talk." "One day,my dad came home with this poem and he said," ""You are going to learn to recite this whole thing."" "I thought he was crazy." "But that whole summer,he'd take me out in the backyard and we'd throw the ball back and forth." "And one line at a time, he taught me "Casey at the Bat."" "After that,I never stuttered again." "I owe everything to that poem and the sweet old guy who threw it my way." " That's beautiful." " It is,isn't it?" " Uh,Marsh?" " Yeah,buddy." "Where's my money?" "What was I thinking?" "He's a child.I threatened a child." "Would you stop this already?" "You have finally done the right thing and now you're backing down because some overreacting mom is mad at you?" "For god's sakes,what's the worst thing you did,anyway?" "You pushed him around a little bit,maybe put the fear of God in him." "I threw him against a wall." "Did you see his eyes when he left?" "They were dead eyes,like a doll's eyes." "Now,look,I may not be publicly Gracie's father yet, but if this woman gets in your face, you just look at me and I'll be there." "Together we are one bad ass parenting machine." "Thanks,Chuck.I appreciate it." "Excuse me.Ms. Carr,I'm so sorry to bother you." "It's really okay.This is an important matter,Mrs. Tucker." "Actually,it's Ms. Schimmel.Since the divorce,I've gone back to my maiden name." "Hello." " I'm Chuck Darling." " Hi." "So I get a call at work." "My son is very upset,and he said something about you threatening him." "Okay,he's been harassing my daughter, and today he pushed her down right in front of me." " Okay,Xander wouldn't do that." " Chuck saw it,too.Ask him." "Did you see my son push her daughter down intentionally?" "Well,yes,as a matter of fact.I did." "But,you know what?" "Boys at his age can be feisty." "Well,you know,at any age,really." "Focus." "No doubt his behavior was aggressive, but that is very common with children from divorced homes," "I mean,the absence of a strong male figure in their lives, a single mom working...working out." " What are you doing?" " Hey,can we just talk about what she did?" "I'm sorry,grabbing a child and scaring..." "But it's okay for your son to push a little girl down?" "All right,just hold on a second here." "This is getting just a little bit too intense.Now listen, the truth is that Xander's behavior was...was very bad,very bad." "But I'm sure there's nothing that's happened here that the three of us can't hash out over a drink." "I'm not going anywhere with you." "Shall we just take one car?" "Excuse me a second." "Hello?" "Hold on." "I have to take this.It's work." " I'll be right back." " Okay,listen,you just take your time." "I won't be much longer.I love the boots,by the way.Those are..." " What was that?" " What?" "You're flirting with her." "What happened to the bad ass parenting machine?" "Well,it hasn't been oiled in a while." "Ow!" "Would you stop that?" "In the first place,I was just trying to diffuse a very difficult situation." "In the second place,look at her!" "You know,if I ever do decide to let you back into Gracie's life, is this the kind of support I can expect?" "!" "Ow!" "Would you stop?" "That hurts." " See?" "!" " I didn't do it that hard." " Yes,you did!" " I Did not!" " You give me that ear." " Okay,fine." "How do you feel about that?" "Huh?" "What does that feel like?" "What do you think of that?" "Uh,what are you guys doing?" "Just helping each other with our new earpieces." "Guess what?" "Xander just a pologized to me." "He said he was only pushing me and stuff because he likes me." "I don't get that." "I mean,why would you hurt somebody if you like them?" " I don't get it either,frankly." " I don't get it either,frankly." " I've never heard of..." " It's ridiculous." "That would never happen." "um,it's just been bothering me, and I feel a little silly asking because I thought we were friends,but,uh... were you keeping the boat a secret because you didn't want to invite me on it?" "Gary,listen,there is no boat." "Oh,come on,if you don't want me on your boat, just tell me why." "I swear,that's no boat." "and never has been a boat and never will be a boat then what why you guys talk about" "I'm sorry.We just can't have on a boat"