"[ Cheers and applause ]" "According to a new study, the number of sexually inactive young adults has more than doubled over the past 30 years." "In other words, millennials ain't bangin'." "Guys, what's going on?" "Between the media and the Internet, are we just completely overexposed to sex?" "It's like when you say to a Cinnabon worker, you're like, "Oh, man, you must eat so many Cinnabons,"" "and they're like, "Actually, no," "I'm actually pretty sick of them." "But if you eat one in front of me," "I'll watch and masturbate." "[ Laughter ]" "Do it."" "I get it, though." "I totally get it." "I mean, why would you want to have sex when you can just go online and watch people have sex, then leave a grammatically incorrect, racist comment about it?" "[ Laughter ]" "Guys, we have to turn this around." "We cannot be the generation that has less sex than our parents." "Screw them!" "Not, like, literally." "Well, honestly, if it helps get our numbers up, do whatever you have to do." "I'm Nikki Glaser, and this is "Not Safe."" "â™ª Ready â™ªâ™ª" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Welcome to the show." "Tonight, I'm going to be live-tweeting the show." "Spoiler alert -- We're not live, but follow me @NikkiGlaser and tweet me something weird." "But, please, don't tweet me that I'm a waste of tits." "That one really hurt my feelings last week." "[ Laughter ]" "First things first, let's meet the people I'll be perving out with tonight." "The first time he had sex, he was wearing a burgundy-colored fur Kangol hat." "It's Jim Norton!" "[ Chuckling ] [ Cheers and applause ]" "And I'm sorry I called you a waste of tits." "I feel bad." "[ Laughter ]" "I apologize." "You're not wrong." "[ Laughs ]" "And the first time she had sex, she bought a brand-new pair of panties at JCPenney to lose her virginity in a Motel 6." "It's Bridget Everett!" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Hi, Nikki." "That was a special night, huh?" "It was very special." "I still have those panties." "[ Laughter ]" "Tonight, we're talking about strip clubs." "It's where guys go to finish their nights and finish in their khakis." "Uh..." "[ Laughter ]" "I've been to a few in my day." "Jim, like, have you ever been to a strip club?" "You know, it's funny." "I did go " "I didn't want to, but, you know, for research, I went, uh..." "[ Laughter ]" "And you're not kidding about the finish in the khakis." "Right?" "It's really hard to do, but it's " "When men " " When that happened, it's not an accident." "It's the goal accomplished." "Right." "[ Laughter ]" "Bridget, have you " " You've been to strip clubs before?" "Oh, sure, yeah, yeah." "I love strip clubs." "All right, all right." "I mean, normally, I only go when I'm blacked out, which is nice, 'cause, like, you wake up the next morning, and you're down 500 bucks and you smell like Fruity Pebbles," "and you're like, "What happened?"" "But you know that you had a really nice time, right?" "[ Laughter ]" "Yes." "And that is what I learned, because I felt like every guy I know has a great strip-club story, and I wanted one, so I actually spent 24 hours straight at Sapphire Las Vegas to get my story" "and to beat Lamar Odom's record." "Take a look." "[ Both laugh ] â™ªâ™ª" "So, Lou, you're driving me to Sapphire right now..." "Correct." "...the best strip club in Vegas -- in the world." "Yes, it is, definitely." "It definitely is." "What else can I expect in there?" "A whole bunch of guys hitting on you." "[ Laughs ]" "Thank you." "'Cause you're a beautiful person, a beautiful girl." ""Person."" "Okay, watch your step." "Hello." "Thank you." "Hello." "I'm Nikki." "Welcome to Sapphire Gentlemen's Club." "I'm Disco." "Nice to meet you." "I'm gonna be spending 24 hours here." "In a row?" "In a row." "[ Laughing ] Okay." "And so how many girls am I gonna see here tonight?" "Probably about 300." "Like the movie!" "Like the movie." "They're all half-naked, and they'll probably die before their time." "[ Laughs ]" "Well, let me see this." "Let's make it happen." "All right, thanks, man." "â™ªâ™ª" "Why do people come here?" "It's an adult playground." "I said why do people [bleep] here, and you " "Never mind." "Why do people ejaculate here?" "[ Chuckling ] Oh, my God." "People should not be doing that here." "â™ªâ™ª" "Now, your name is Cupcake." "Yes." "Do you love cupcakes?" "I don't, but I think my sweet, sunshine face deserves "Cupcake."" "Yeah." "I would be Froyo." "Why?" "'Cause I love frozen yogurt, and you can't be "Frozen Yogurt" coming to the main stage." "Hi, Dan." "Good to see you." "I'm so glad you're here." "This is great." "Most of the strip clubs I go to are attached to a Sonic, so this is a real step up for me." "[ Laughs ]" "Woman:" "Hey, guys." "Hey!" "Hey." "How are you?" "I'd love to donate to your basketball team." "Let's just talk real talk." "How are you gonna get the most money out of this guy?" "Really pretend that I like him, that I'm super-interested in him." "Yeah, but, like, you do kind of like me, like, outside of this." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Would you give him a lap dance?" "I would love to." "Okay, awesome." "Sounds great." "I've had, like, a rough month." "I found out my parents are separating." "And I've been dealing with that." "I think this is the normal talk that I usually get here." "Really?" "Really?" "Yeah." "Are there cameras in here?" "Um, probably." "Good to know." "'Cause I was gonna masturbate later." "I'm sleeping here tonight." "I'm a man tonight." "You are a man tonight." "Yeah." "Speaking of men, I have somewhere to show you." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Maybe I should get married." "Nikki:" "Hi, guys." "Can I talk to you?" "Yeah." "My boyfriend has those socks." "Hi." "Nice to meet you, girlfriend." "Ha-ha!" "Have you ever had a lap dance before?" "No." "I saw what you guys were doing up there, and it was -- it seems violent." ""Violent"?" "Just like, "Graah!" -[ Laughs ]" "It's time for bed, so I'm gonna get dressed." "[ Cheers and applause, dance music plays ]" "[ Dance music plays in distance ] I can't sleep." "It's too loud." "[ Voice breaking ] Tell my family I love them." "It's a lie, but, like, just..." "[ Sniffles ]" "They should just feel like I do." "â™ªâ™ª" "Thanks for coming back." "I was just sleeping in the parking lot." "[ Laughing ] I'm so sick of being here." "You have the eyes of someone who's in Guantanamo right now." "â™ª Dance, party, get drunk, get lit â™ª" "[ Music distorts, fades ]" "I want to go home so bad." "This place has been very nice to me, but I just..." "I don't ever want to be in a strip club again... until my shift tomorrow." "[ Choir vocalizing ]" "I'm free!" "I'm done!" "I survived, Lou!" "Beautiful, beautiful." "Let's go to Spearmint Rhino." "Lou:" "Spearmint Rhino -- That's what we are doing." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "So, I really did that." "I could've faked it, I realized." "Yeah." "[ Laughs ]" "Like, I could've done all of that in like two hours, but I actually was like, "I want to be able to say" "I spent the night in a strip club."" "It was " " It was awful." "Yeah." "[ Laughter ] It was just " "Have you been to that one before?" "No, I don't really go in Vegas because it feels like too much of a scam." "Like, I like the smaller-town ones." "Oh, the mom-and-pop ones." "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yes." "[ Laughter ]" "Where it's mymom and pop dancing." "[ Laughter ]" "I love that, 'cause they really " "They appreciate you more." "they talk to you more." "Like, I don't like them perfect like that." "I like a bit of a disaster." "Oh, yeah." "Yeah." "[ Laughter ]" "I love that." "Yeah." "I feel like every guy I know feels like they have some kind of connection with a stripper when they leave." "I call it "getting stripper'd."" "Yes." "They're amazing." "Strippers are amazing." "I had one little lap dance, and then she's giving a lap dance to someone else, and she's looking over his back at me, like," ""Oh, God, I hate to do it with him."" "Oh, my gosh, that's good." "I was like, "Yeah, I know."" "Yeah, I found out they go, like, "I'll tell you my real name,"" "but it's, like, a fake real name." "Yeah." "No!" "Like, their fake name is Cupcakes, but they're like, "My real name's Sprinkles,"" "and you're like, "Oh, my gosh, that's so cool..." "[ Laughter ] that your parents knew what you were gonna do."" "[ Laughter ]" "We will be right back, you guys." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "[ Cheers and applause ] Welcome back." "Guys, it's time for "Tinder Tapout"!" "[ Cheers and applause ] Yeah, yeah, yeah." "You remember Kayla." "She's the worst person on Tinder." "Let's check out her bio." ""Real estate by day, real as [bleep] by night."" "[ Laughter ]" "She's actually live-tweeting right now -- @PartyBitchKayla." "Follow her for more topical information like, "I won't [bleep] a dude on the first date unless he's got a PokÃ©mon in his apartment." [ Laughter ]" "It's good to know, Kayla." "Thank you." "Let's see who swiped right on Kayla this time." "It's Chris." "He looks like a nice -- Poor guy." "Let's see if he can handle Kayla." "Jim, I want you to read for Chris." "Oh, good." "[ Laughter ]" "And I will read for Kayla." "Let's get started." "Jim, you're up first." "[ Ting!" "]" ""Well, don't you look fun."" "[ Laughs ]" ""Just want to meet a guy who will take care of me/help with lawyer fees."" "[ Laughter ]" ""Lawyer fees?"" ""Peed in a mailbox as a joke." "Security cam saw me." "It's frowned upon 'cause of law stuff" -- mailbox emoji -- "What kind of diseases you got?"" "[ Laughter and applause ]" "You guys, do you think he's still in after all this?" "[ Laughing ] No." ""No," yeah." "I hope so, because I would be." "[ Laughter ]" "You're really getting into the role of Chris." "Let's see." "[ Ting!" "] Yeah, he's still in." "[ Laughter ]" ""L-O-L -- The good-looking disease." "Other than that, I'm cleaner than clean."" "[ Laughter ]" ""'K.' I got some stuff." "Hope you're not judgy."" ""What do you got?"" ""Basic stuff."" "[ Laughter ]" "I like how it's like a cable package." "What's nice about this whole exchange is that " "I'm too scared to go on Tinder, but it turns out you can be really honest, and people will still, like, receive you." "That's nice to know." "It is." "You should get on there." "[ Laughter ]" "If he didn't back away the first time, he's still in." "What do you think?" "Yeah, I mean, wouldn't you " "First of all, that was a very positive spin you just put on what this..." "I know." "That was beautiful." "I'm a people person." "Yeah." "She took herpes." "She made lemonade." "[ Laughter ]" "[ Applause ]" "I think he's still in because why wouldn't you be curious as to what "basic stuff" you had?" "I would love to know." "Yeah." "Well, let's see if he's still in." "[ Ting!" "] Yeah." "[ Laughter ] "Nice!" "I feel you." "What are you up to right now?"" ""I'm on a weird alcohol/blow cycle this week."" "[ Laughter ]" ""Not a fan of blow, but I don't judge, L-O-L."" "[ Laughter ]" ""I do really cheap blow, so it's mostly crank anyways" -- snowflake, snowflake, snowflake, emoji." "Okay, what about now?" "Of course!" "You're fiscally responsible." "[ Laughter ]" "Uh, let's see." "[ Ting!" "]" ""L-O-L, as long as you [bleep] good," "I don't care."" "Oh!" "[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]" ""I [bleep] okay." "Dealing with some med stuff, so hard to perform" -- medical-mask emoji." "[ Laughter ]" ""Send me pics." [ Laughter ]" "God!" "This is real." ""Of my rash?" "No!" "Gross!"" "No, not of your rash, L-O-L -- of your tits." "And maybe if you have a picture before your rash."" "[ Laughter ]" ""There is no before my rash."" "[ Laughter ]" "Do you think he's still in now?" "I want to marry him." "[ Chuckling ] Yeah." "Yeah, he's still in." "[ Laughter ]" "Absolutely." "All right, let's see." "This is where we lost him." "Ohh!" "Chris, what happened?" "What a quitter." "[ Laughter ]" "Now Jim is bullying you on television." "Well, over the course of the season, we've been messing with guys on Tinder and seeing just how much they'll put up with for a chance to get laid, and I honestly kind of feel bad" "doing this until I saw an article inthe New York Post where I learned that some girls actually use Tinder to get their chores done, and that sounded great." "But did it actually work?" "I had to know, so I actually got on Tinder and asked a few guys to bring me takeout and take care of a bunch of other shit" "I didn't want to do." "This is real." "It was all hidden-camera." "It was the cra" "It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do." "Check it out." "â™ªâ™ª" "Hey!" "Come right in." "I hope this is gluten-free." "[ Chuckles ]" "You're the best, man." "Welcome." "Thank you so much." "Yeah, no worries." "It's our first date." "Do you have any knives?" "There was a guy on the bus that had a hat that said "murder."" "Maybe if you didn't bring enough napkins." "[ Laughs ]" "Are you proposing?" "No." "[ Laughs ]" "Sorry." "My maids are here." "They're not mine." "They're my roommates." "So, how tall are you?" "Is there any way you think you could put in that light bulb?" "Are you scared of electricity?" "[ Laughs ]" "My roommates say they get electrocuted, but I think it's fine." "If you could do that, that'd be great." "I love lights." "Do you think you could put in that light bulb?" "Mnh-mnh." "No?" "Okay." "Do you know how to fold a fitted sheet?" "You tuck this one " "You tuck the corners into one another, right?" "It looks kind of like a sad scrotum, but..." "Can you help me build this table?" "Dude, I'm, like, golden at these things." "Really?" "I do know it's upside-down." "This table is, in fact, upside-down." "You're good at that." "How many times have you screwed something on Tinder?" "[Laughs] Just kidding." "Uh..." "But how many?" "How's the table coming?" "Oh, it's coming along fine." "It better be done when I get in there." "Am I helping you at all right now?" "Uh, no." "Is it done?" "That's done." "Oh, my God." "I love tables." "You got one." "Yes!" "You literally have done nothing since I left the room." "There you go." "â™ª I got a table" "It kind of does look weird." "God damn it." "Gosh, you really turned this place around." "There you go." "It's a different place since I've been here -- got a fitted sheet folded, got a table made, light's on." "Cool." "You need your lawn mowed?" "Could you do that for me?" "Uh...no." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "I'm so sorry, guys." "We'll be right back." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "All right, guys." "So, it is our last episode of the season, and right now we don't know when we're coming back or if we're ever coming back -- you know, like your dad -- so..." "[ Laughter ] ...I wanted to take a minute tonight to talk about what drew me to "Not Safe with Nikki Glaser,"" "you know, besides the "with Nikki Glaser" part." "It's really cool." "But in the past year, I've talked to foot worshipers, professional cuddlers, escorts, porn stars, strippers, sugar daddies, young couples, old couples, dudes on Tinder, pegging enthusiasts, so many incredible comedians." "And guess what -- Everybody has sex." "We're all doing it." "That guy over there isn't, but the rest of us are." "[ Laughter ]" "It's crazy to me that we're all here right now because some dude was just like, "Unh!"" "Like, that's crazy." "[ Laughter ]" "And by "some dude," I mean your dad." "Every one of your dads, some of them even louder than that, and those are the ones who aren't coming back." "But..." "Bridget:" "Ha!" "...I know -- [ Laughter ]" "Thank you, Bridget." "I know that talking about sex is uncomfortable, and it makes people all like, "How will I explain this to my children?" "!"" "It's like, your kid came out of your vagina, so the least you can do is just explain to them what one is." "And please don't tell them to call it a "downstairs"" "or a "front bottom."" "It's " " Yeah." "[ Laughter ]" "I don't kno" " Actually, I kind of like "front bottom."" "We can keep that, but..." "My parents, honestly, never gave me the sex talk, which is why I talk about sex all the time now." "You made your bed, Mom and Dad, and now I'm talking about banging in it." "[ Laughter ]" "Because sex was such a taboo subject in my household," "I didn't masturbate until my mid 20s, so, like -- like, yesterday." "[ Laughter ]" "I'm 32." "So, by the time I started masturbating," "I felt like the Billy Madison of jacking off." "I felt stupid, left behind, and I could only do it if I was staring at a picture of Chris Farley dressed as a bus driver." "[ Laughter ]" "Don't do that to me, you guys." "Stop it." "Here's the thing -- I think it's important that we all talk about sex, and here's why -- becausehe'stalking about sex." "Yeah, this guy." "And not just the adorable stuff he says about wanting to date his own daughter." "Oh." "Oh, my God, I love engagement photos." "[ Audience groans ]" "It's disgusting." "Jim: [ Laughs ]" "Last week, Trump told young girls everywhere that if they're sexually harassed at work, they should quit or find a new career." "In other words, someone, please, sexually harass Donald Trump." "I beg you." "Please!" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "His V.P., Mike Pence, is talking about sex." "He's also talking about what kind of haircut he might get from the LEGO factory next, but mostly sex." "[ Laughter ]" "He said that, if elected, he and Trump will appoint" "Supreme Court Justices who will overturn Roe v. Wade." "You know, just like he overturns baby turtles in order to feel joy." "[ Laughter ]" "Ooh, Mikey likey." "[ Laughter ]" "You need to talk about sex because these states are talking about sex, and they're all trying to pass legislation about it like North Carolina and their trans-panic bathroom laws or Mississippi with their Religious Freedom Act." "Even Indiana tried making it legal to discriminate against the LGBT community, but thankfully people rebelled until their shit-bag governor caved in and walked it back." "Who " " Wait." "Who is their governor?" "I for" " Oh." "Oh, right, the turtle murderer." "[ Laughter ]" "Guys, we have to talk about sex." "When we're quiet and we treat sex like it's shameful or weird, we leave a void that anyone can fill with their own personal hang-ups or religious beliefs, and that's where shit hits the fan." "And I don't mean that in, like, a fetish-y sort of way." "No offense, Jim." "[ Laughter ]" "Talk about sex." "Be honest about it." "'Cause, look, I'm sure last week not everybody wanted to hear the story about the time I found a Monistat 7 cap lodged in my vagina that had been there for over a year, but isn't it better than pretending" "that we don't lose Monistat 7 caps in our vaginas?" "[ Laughter ] Right?" "If you're like I was and are ashamed of yourself for what you're into, if you hate that you watch porn or that you like to lick feet or that you get turned on when milfs get hit in the face with pies," "you're not alone." "The MILF pie guy might be because we broke up, but..." "[ Laughter ]" "He dumped me." "He said I got too old." "But sex is all around us." "In fact, sexisus." "It's how we got to be here." "It shouldn't be something we're ashamed to talk about." "So stop whispering." "Be loud, be honest, be open." "It should be celebrated when we say, "I have sex," you know?" "[ Cheers and applause ] Okay." "That's too much celebrating." "I mean, come on." "It's not like I won "American Idol."" "I'm just a normal person who has sex sometimes, you know?" "It's not that -- [ Loud pop ]" "Aah!" "Okay." "Guys, seriously, come on." "It's, uh -- It's not New Year's Eve, okay?" "[ "Auld Lang Syne" plays ]" "Is that "Auld Lang Syne"?" "Oh, Jesus." "Well, maybe weshould celebrate it this much!" "Guys, don't be quiet about sex!" "Be loud about it." "Talk about it." "We'll be right back." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Thank you for watching tonight." "I want to thank my friends Jim Norton and Bridget Everett." "You can hear Jim on "UFC Unfiltered,"" "the official podcast of the UFC," "Bridget will be on the road on her "Pound It" tour." "Check out tour dates at bridgeteverett.net." "Guys, we're taking a break, so in the meantime, follow me @NikkiGlaser on Instagram," "GlazeyDays on Snapchat, and listen to the "Not Safe" podcast." "You guys get it." "Here's your happy ending." "Good night, pervs." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Kids, if you work hard in comedy, and you just persevere, you risk everything, you can wind up sleeping in the karaoke room of a strip club in Vegas." "Follow your dreams." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "And she's giving me a lap dance, and part of me goes," ""Oh, my God." "This might be able to happen."" "And then, she's kind of trying to get me to go in the V.I.P. room." "And finally, it happened." "If you're a man and you finish, like, that's the closest you'll ever come to winning the Super Bowl." "There's nothing that's ever felt better."