"All aboard!" "We are high priests." "Warlocks." "We're Vatican assassins." "This rock star must make them weep." "I'm an f-18, bro." "?" "I'm going off the rails on a crazy train ?" "?" "I'm going off the rails on a crazy train ?" "This is the Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen, brought to you by Axe body spray and FIFA Soccer 12." "And now, please welcome your roastmaster," "Seth MacFarlane." "Ladies and gentlemen..." "Thank you." "Thank you very much." "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen." "I'm Seth MacFarlane, and, yes, the big night is finally here." "Welcome to the Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen." "Yes, we're here tonight to honor and hopefully arrest a man who was great in two things 25 years ago," "Charlie Sheen." "Actually, there's a lot of Sheen on TV this evening when this show airs." "Tonight on Two and a Half Men, they're actually having Charlie's pretend funeral, believe it or not." "There's no need to switch over, though." "Just wait a few months." "You can probably see the real thing." "I mean, we all know there's a good chance" "Charlie will be dead soon, so I wrote an o-- an obituary." ""Charlie Sheen, who became a tabloid fixture" ""due to his problems with drugs and alcohol, was found dead in his apartment--"" "Actually, you know what?" "I kind of actually just copied Amy Winehouse's obituary." "It's--it's--I only had to change three things, though." "The sex of the deceased, the location of the body, and the part that says, "a talent that will be missed."" "We love Charlie!" "All right." "So I know Tyson's not gonna kick the shit out of me." "That's good news." "So we're gonna take a few pokes at him here tonight, but there is no denying that Charlie Sheen is an icon." "You've seen him on TV." "You've seen him in movies." "And if you're a prostitute, you've seen him point a gun at your face while you try to get him hard." "Let's take a look back at the work that paid for all that cocaine." "Gentlemen..." "He's back." "Hey, buddy." "And they're off and running." "Now cool off." "Oh, I am cool." "You should see me when I'm hot." "What are you looking at?" "What are you smiling at, huh?" "How many yachts can you water-ski behind?" "How much is enough?" " I am your daughter." " No, you're not." " Aah!" " Gah!" "Are too, too, too, too, too..." "Not, not, not, not, not, not..." ""Are too" times ten." "Tiger blood." "Yes, it's real." "It's as real as me." "?" "It's the eye of the tiger ?" "?" "it's the thrill of the fight ?" "?" "rising up to the challenge of our rivals ?" "We got warrants!" "We're the law!" " Golf clap?" " Golf clap." "?" "And he's watching us all with the eye ?" "?" "of the tiger ?" "Some are saying that you're bipolar." "I'm bi-winning." "Winning!" "Charlie Sheen has got to be on drugs again." " Sure." " Drugs?" "I am on a drug." "It's called Charlie Sheen." "Reminder-- tiger blood." "?" "With a shot of tiger blood... ?" "Winner, winner, chicken dinner--I don't think so." "Winner, winner, Sheen dinner!" "Winning." "Pretty [bleep] cool, huh?" "Due to pending legal action, we are unable to show you a scene from Two and a Half Men at this time." "Strike this mother[bleep] out." "Wild thing delivers." "?" "Wild thing ?" "?" "you make my heart sing ?" "You are the sexiest man I have ever laid eyes on." "Check." "?" "Come on, come on, wild thing ?" "You know, I've lived a pretty wild life, with the drinking and the hookers and the drugs and the hookers." "Ugh." "You're such a pig." "You know, usually I have to date a woman before she treats me this way." "There's my life." "Deal with it." "It's on." "Bring it." "Winning." "Buh-bye." "And now, ladies and gentlemen, it's time to bring out the man of the hour." "He went from Ferris Bueller's Day Off to having every day off." "Please welcome the rock star from Mars," "Charlie Sheen." "Wow." "Wow!" "Wow!" "Wow!" "Wow." "Wow, wow, wow." "Wow." "Unbelievable." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Have fun." "Slash!" " How are you, Seth?" " Charlie." "Ahh." "Thank you." "There he sits, the man of the hour." "Charlie, you claim to have tiger blood, but with all the porn stars you've banged, it's probably just Tiger Woods' blood," "I'm guessing." "You have a lot of nicknames for yourself." "You say you're a Vatican assassin, whatever that is." "Charlie, the Vatican does not have assassins." "No." "If they want to shut someone up, they just buy 'em ice cream and tell 'em if they talk, Jesus will kill their parents." "Now, as you may know," "Charlie Sheen is not his birth name." "His original Spanish name is señor drugs." "Kidding aside, though," "Carlos Estevez took his dad's name, yes, to gain credibility as an actor." "I've seen your films, and you don't really act like a Sheen." "But, you know, with your rap sheet and briefcases of coke, you're definitely acting like a Carlos." "Charlie went on to star in TV and film, both drama and comedy." "He was the star of Hot Shots..." "Which is also what Charlie feels when he takes a piss." "I really think you and Emilio should do a follow-up to the movie Men at Work, and you can call it "Men Who Don't Work Anymore."" "Right?" "That would be..." "I'll help-- I'll help you write that." "But, uh, of course a very public meltdown changed the landscape." "It's interesting, when you think about the firing of Charlie Sheen tells you all you really need to know about Hollywood." "You can abuse drugs." "You can abuse your spouse." "You can trash hotel rooms." "You can solicit prostitutes." "But don't you ever, ever call a Jewish guy by his actual Jewish name." "So, now Charlie is a self-contained unit." "He is dependent upon no man and no thing..." "Except crack, jack, crank, meth, ludes," "Vicodin, blow, acid, uppers, poppers," ""E," nitrous, dust, hash, and this one boner medicine from Norway." "He's the reason a dick with cocaine on it is called a "sheenis."" "Wow." "Wow." "He's still with us, Charlie Sheen." "In fact, Charlie just celebrated his 46th birthday..." "Thank you." "Thank you." "A statement no one thought we would ever hear-- kind of like, "Get Jeselnik on the phone."" "Or..." "Or "Jeff Ross'll pay for it."" "Or Jon Lovitz saying, "one [bleep] at a time, please."" "Charlie allegedly made a prostitute cry at the Plaza hotel." "I want to tell you though, Charlie, I think she's lying." "'Cause I saw the scene where you got arrested in Wall Street." "You can't even make yourself cry." "But, you know, with all those "Dangerous Jobs" shows on TV, like the ones about crab fishing, ice-road trucking, why is there no show about the most dangerous job out there" "Being an escort for Charlie Sheen?" "How long must we wait for the first season of Deadliest Snatch?" "I'm ready to see that right-- right now." "Honestly, Charlie," "I never thought I would live to see the night that you would live to see this night." "I really didn't." "And now our first roaster, Jon Lovitz." "He was one of the stars of a Saturday Night Live cast that the critics have hailed as "not the worst."" "Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the star of "Two and a Half Chins,"" "one of my favorite SNL comics ever," "Jon Lovitz." "Thank you for that introduction, Seth MacFarlane." "Anyway, I am Jon Lovitz, although I think most of you know me by my stage name" "J-Lo." "Thank you." "Well, look at this dais." "Mike Tyson is here." "Yes, sir." "You know, his boxing nickname is iron Mike, which is what the guards used to scream at him in the prison laundry." "I don't do that anymore, Jon." "Well, I know you don't do that anymore." "You're not in prison anymore." "Just making it clear." "He's funny." "Hey, how did Amy Schumer get here?" "I'd ask whose [bleep] she sucked to get on the dais, but she's dating Anthony Jeselnik, so I'll just ask him." "Anthony, whose [bleep] did Amy suck to get on the dais?" "Who else is-- Oh, hello, Steve-O." "Yes, sir." "Talked to Steve-O this morning." "I said, "How's your day going?"" "He said, "Great." "I woke up, took a big shit, then got out of bed..." "You know, unlike all you people on this dais," "I, uh-- I actually know Charlie, and I'm famous." "No, he's my friend." "I've known him for about 18 years, and I can tell you he's nothing like the character he plays on TMZ." "And people say, "Oh, he's crazy,"" "you know, just because he likes beautiful women to come to his house, have sex with him, and then leave." "What a nut." "First time I hung out with Charlie was at his house after the super bowl." "Bunch of hot chicks showed up, and..." "I looked up, I saw my old girlfriend, and..." "Charlie put his arm around me and said, "Pick a hooker."" "First time in my life I cried and came at the same time." "No, it wasn't." "And now a joke." "How much blow can Charlie Sheen do?" "Enough to kill Two and a Half Men." "I'm kidding." "The man is misunderstood." "Eight-balls of hern-- bad for you?" "Or as Charlie sees it, the most important meal of the day." "Now, sure, things got pretty crazy for a while." "He was all mixed up." "But he knew it was time to get straight when he put his dick in his coke and his razor in his hooker." "And did you know Charlie's-- according to the Torah, he's Jewish?" "And not because his mother's a Jew, but because CBS paid him $50 million and he still sued the network." "Now, listen, despite what you read," "Charlie's still close to all of his exes." "Why, well, just recently, he took Brooke Mueller to Mexico..." "Where he banged her ass so hard three balloons of coke fell out." "But Charlie's a gentleman." "He put them back in." "Picture it!" "Thank you." "Coming up, Kate Walsh..." "Oh, Charlie, wait till you see what the doctor's got in order." "Mike Tyson, Amy Schumer, Jeff Ross..." "The real Gaddafi is hiding in Charlie Sheen's nostrils right now." " Steve-O." " Yeah." "Anthony Jeselnik..." "[Bleep] off." "William Shatner," "Patrice O'Neal, and Charlie Sheen." "Charlie, as you put it best, it's just words." "All right." "Our next roaster is Kate Walsh." "Why are you here?" "Let me say that it is a thrill to be around the hottest, sexiest woman of 2002." "Let's give a big round of meno-plause for the beautiful and talented Kate Walsh." "Seth MacFarlane, the only difference between you and the hooker Charlie locked in the closet is that the hooker eventually came out." "After years of playing a doctor on Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice, people actually think I'm a real doctor, so I figured, "[Bleep] it." ""I'm gonna start giving some professional diagnoses to these people over here."" "For instance, Jeff Ross, your results have come back, and I'm going to tell you something that you have never heard about any of your TV pilots." "You tested positive." "Congratulations, Jeff." "And, Jeff, listen," "I know you're concerned about your complexion, but you have to stop letting Mike Tyson [bleep] all over your face." "He looks good." "I like the way he looks." "Thank you very much." "Anthony Jeselnik, I don't normally do this, but I have to break doctor-patient confidentiality." "Your results came back, and it turns out that that embarrassing, nasty parasite on your penis is Amy Schumer." "And there is no cure." "I'm so, so happy to see that William Shatner is here, because a medical colleague told me that you passed on." "I said, "Bullshit." "Have seen his resume?" "Shatner's never passed on anything."" "Just wait." "You look great." "I mean, your skin is so tight." "I can't tell if you've had a face-lift or vaginal rejuvenation." "Patrice O'Neal, I understand you have diabetes, and as you know, this disease is very serious and often linked to a poor diet." "So my advice is simple." "Grape soda does not count as a fruit." "Mr. Sheen, the doctor will see you now." "I have to say, Charlie, you are an incredible medical specimen." "I guess that's one of the benefits of waking up every morning at the crack of crack." "And, you know, it's amazing." "Despite all those years of abusing your lungs, your kidneys, your liver, the only thing you've had removed is your kids." "Admittedly, Charlie gets a little confused sometimes." "He's the only guy who pulls a knife on a woman who's already willing to [bleep] him." "I'll drink to that." "I'll drink to that." "Michael, drink to that." "But is Charlie really the worst guy here?" "So he made a chick blow him for 30 grand." "Mike Tyson makes you blow him" ""'Cause I said so." "That's why."" "I'll drink to that, too." "I'll drink..." "Isn't that right, Steve-O?" "And so, Charlie, I'm happy to say, whether it's your Adonis DNA, your tiger blood, or the drug called Charlie Sheen, for some reason, you're able to defy science and medicine" "and continue to survive." "I'll pencil you in for your relapse next week." "Thank you so much." "Good night." "Still to come, Jeff Ross..." "I wanted to dress like the world's biggest dictator to roast the world's biggest dick." "Steve-O..." "Just a bunch a people having a great time" " being mean to each other." " And Mike Tyson." "Charlie, um, enjoy a night of some serious "bambargment."" "And I'm gonna rip you a new asshole." "And, um, I still love you-- no hard feelings." "All right." "Here comes Jeff Ross..." "Who actually toured with Charlie." "You know, I always thought Jeff was a terrible comic, until I learned that he actually is seriously, for real, mentally retarded." "And now I think he's an inspiration and a hero." "So please welcome America's special needs comedian," "Jeff Ross." "Yeah!" "Give it up for the warlock!" "Friends, roasters, enablers, lend Mike Tyson your ears." "Because this lineup is so pathetic," "I was hoping I'd get replaced by Ashton Kutcher." "What a bunch of nobodies we're left with." "Is this a roast or the republican primaries?" "This is hard." "How do you roast a meltdown?" "Charlie's meltdown was so bad," "Al Gore's making a documentary about it." "Tell us, Charlie." "How do you go from being TV's highest-paid actor ever to being the highest actor ever to be on TV?" "Charlie's nostrils are so snotty and full of coke he calls them the Hilton sisters." "Instead of getting his life together," "Charlie went out on a national comedy tour..." "Where every night, Charlie, you walked on stage and you told the audience you were a warlock from Mars." "Oh, maybe you are." "But I'll tell you what you're not-- a comedian from earth." "Charlie Sheen is to stand-up what Larry Flynt is to standing up." "Charlie, if you're winning, then something's wrong with the [bleep] scoreboard." "Come on, man." "Charlie, if you're winning, then this must not be a child custody hearing." "The only time your kids get to see you is in reruns." "Charlie, don't you want to live to see their first 12 steps?" "You're the black sheep of a family responsible for three Mighty Ducks movies." "You make your own father ashamed that he shares the same fake name as you." "Martin Sheen and Emilio Estevez said they would have been here tonight, but they had a family obligation." "Charlie's never lonely." "Don't worry." "I've been up to that house." "I can tell you that Charlie is stockpiling whores up there." "The place is packed with whores." "Charlie, you should be on Hoarders." "Charlie Sheen has paid for so much sex, he keeps his credit card under his balls to save time." "Anthony Jeselnik, some say you're the next Greg Giraldo." "Let's hope so." "Where's slash?" "There he is." "Slash, you were awesome in the open of the show, man." "That was cool." "Always in that top hat, man." "You're like the Abe Lincoln of rock and roll..." "Especially since you haven't had a hit in four score and seven years." "Yeah." "I'm kidding, slash." "Thanks for playing my nephew's bar mitzvah last year." "That was cool." "That was really cool." "And oh, wow, look at that." "Looking good, Brooke Mueller." "Charlie's ex." "What's up, babe?" "What's up?" "She's not very bright unless Charlie's throwing a lamp at her." "Too soon?" "Oh, Jon Lovitz." "Great job tonight, man." "That was funny." "Nice to see you taking a break from taking a break." "Jon, what's your catch phrase?" ""Chinning!"" "And there's our old roast honoree," "William Shatner, one of the coolest guys in the world." "I'm not gonna make fun of him, 'cause he looks like he's on his final frontier." "Hey, Captain Kirk, maybe Scotty can beam your balls up from the floor..." "You old pervert." "Backstage he flashed Kate Walsh his graying anatomy." "And I can't believe I get to sit next to the-- "Iron" Mike Tyson, man, one of the coolest, most amazing athletes in the world." "Thanks for rolling with the punches tonight, champ." "Thank you, Jeff." "Thank you, Jeff." "I bet you haven't been shit on this hard since you cleaned your pigeon Coop this morning." "Not only do you love pigeons, but you sound like one." "Listen, I'm not gonna make fun of Mike Tyson, because if he" "That's right. 'Cause I'm gonna shit on you tonight." "That's right." "I know, I know." "If you're willing to do that to your face, imagine what he would do to mine." "What is that on your face, a target for pepper spray?" "Mike, the ironic thing is, after all the faces you bashed in, the one you [bleep] up the most is your own." "Ah, but there's no denying the fact that Mike Tyson had the hardest-hitting right hook in history." "Your opponents spent more time bleeding in the corner than Charlie's ex-wives." "Too soon?" "Too soon?" "Too real?" "Too real?" "Has anybody seen your ex-goddess Bree Olson's latest movie?" "Last time I saw that many guys coming out of the same hole," "I was watching the rescue of the Chilean miners." "Charlie, by taking these punches from us tonight, you've proved to all your fans that you're the new king of the comebacks." "Yeah." "In fact..." "In fact you've [bleep] on more backs than anyone in Hollywood." "Charlie, when you were on the tour," "I roasted you eight times in eight different cities." "And I got meaner every time." "You were a great sport-- perhaps the greatest sport in roast history, and I don't know what you're gonna do next, but whatever you decide," "I know firsthand that there's an army of fans out there waiting to check it out and support you in a big way." "I love you guys." "Thank you so much." "The warlock--the best." "Coming up..." "We're not gonna be bashing ourselves, but we're gonna listen to Charlie get bashed." "Mike Tyson, Steve-O, and William Shatner." "We roasted William Shatner, and now he's back to show everybody he's a good sport." "No, I'm not a good sport." "I'm after revenge." "All right, our next roaster is Mike Tyson." "Tyson has had three marriages." "The first two ended in knockouts." "He's a guy" "I threw in the [bleep] towel." "Please don't murder me." "He's a guy..." "He's a guy who's beaten every opponent he has gone up against except the letter "S."" "So..." "So now please..." "Please be patient as he sounds out his jokes." "Ladies and gentlemen, "Iron" Mike Tyson!" "?" "Mama said knock you out ?" "?" "I'm gonna knock you out ?" "Oh, shit." "Thank you." "Thank you very much, Seth." "Oh, man." "Well, you know, during a very dark period in my life," "I found inspiration by reading the great epic poet the Iliad." "So, see, Seth, you're not the only person that gotten by by taking ideas from homer." "That's a [bleep] idiot over there." "He's a [bleep] idiot, with that Stewie." "Okay." "All right." "Well, if I must confess, I'm really not a roaster." "Of course, you know, everyone," "I don't like hurting people." "And, um, I'm living, you know, more of a spiritual life now through poetry, and I've written..." "Well, you know, I've written, you know, many verses in my secret garden, and now I'd like to share them with a few of you here today." "Thank you, everybody." "Well, this'll be a honor, because, um, as the bard once said," ""All the world's a stage."" "And Charlie's been booed off them all, of course." "In this first verse, you'll recognize the classic a-a-b-b-a poetic structure." "There once was a old man named Ross whose jokes were covered with moss." "His punch line was musty, his premise was dusty," "I wish he'd suck on a [bleep] exhaust, you know?" "Oh." "So excuse me." "What you gonna do, Jeff?" "What the [bleep] you gonna do, Jeff?" "You know, I'm-- you know, I must say, you know," "I'm rather intrigued by your puffy, grotesque [bleep] face, Jeff, you know?" "Normally--normally when I'm next to somebody whose face is grotesque as yours, they throw in the [bleep] towel, man." "You're a mess, man." "During your performance, I wish I bit my own ears off." "You know?" "You [bleep] suck, man." "You suck!" "Yes, I wish I bit my own shit." "All right." "All right." " That was the best." " All right." "Now-- no, come on, stop." "I got to do this shit right." "All right." "I didn't do well in school, but I'm trying to do this shit." "All right." "Charlie, our next poem was inspired by the great Emily Dickinson, who I consider a real goddess." "You know, whatever happened to them hos, man?" "Oh, oh, oh, I'm sorry." "But, Charlie, let me remind you..." "Something every man must know." "Once the money goes, so does the hos." "Trust me on that one, Charlie." "Man, come on, let's keep it real." "You know, Brooke," "Charlie had every [bleep] disease known to man, but still, you [bleep] his [bleep] before you shake Steve-O's hand, you know?" "This wife-beating cokehead claims he's some rock star from Mars." "Man, if he was black, his ass would be behind bars, you know?" "Which is [bleep] bullshit, because I'm the greatest poet alive!" "I'm the greatest wordsmith ever." "I'm the--I'm Robert Frost." "I'm--I'm Lord Byron." "My verses are impetuous, my rhymes impregnable." "I want to eat your children!" "I--I..." "But, of course, I'm using poetic license, and, um, they haven't revoked that one yet." "And thank you all, guys." "May you guys continue and resume to being nasty and talking mean to one another." "God bless you." "Bye, guys." "I'm finished." "Thank you." "Still to come, Anthony Jeselnik..." "Charlie Sheen keeps saying he's winning." "That guy couldn't win a goddamn coin toss." " William Shatner..." " Will you sit down?" "And Charlie Sheen." "You can't help but feel for him, 'cause he is your friend, plus, uh, you know, he owes me a hooker, so I'm looking for-- does anybody know where he is?" "Our next roaster is Anthony Jeselnik." "Anthony Jeselnik's act combines the excitement of standing there with the thrill of saying words." "You know him best from me saying his name right now." "Please welcome a man who's got a bright future in something other than comedy," "Anthony Jeselnik." "Thank you." "Seth MacFarlane, everybody, huh?" "This is MacFarlane's third time hosting the show, which should come as no surprise, because when Seth MacFarlane does something, by God, he repeats the living shit out of it." "My good friend Jeff Ross is here..." "Even though it's laundry day." "And Kate Walsh..." "I don't watch that stupid show you're on." "But I did think it was interesting that you have your own line of perfume, you know, for that special lady who wants to smell like "Who gives a [bleep]?"" "I'm glad William Shatner could squeeze this roast into his schedule..." "In between cosmetic surgeries." "Bill, your face is so plastic that when you're done with it, they're gonna have to cut it up into little pieces so that birds don't die." "What's up, Steve-O?" "Steve-O, I know you were in a dark place for a while." "You were struggling." "But now you're trying stand-up comedy." "I actually saw you perform once at the comedy cellar, and here's some free advice, Steve-O." "Don't give up your suicide." "Patrice O'Neal is here." "You literally cannot miss him." "Holy Christ, you're fat." "You look like you deep-fry your hands before you bite your fingernails." "That's a good joke." "That's a racist joke!" "That's some racist shit right there." "Mike Tyson." "That's the whole joke." "Mike Tyson, I love you." "You're my favorite boxer of all time." "I don't even want to stand up here and make fun of you." "Besides, what can you say about Mike Tyson that hasn't already been the title of a Richard Pryor album." "Oh, shit." " He got it." " I did." "Patrice got it." "Too many white people to get that." "Too many white people?" "You know what no one ever says is "too few black people."" "Yeah." "Mike, to me, you will always be the champion." "You will always be the champion..." "Thank you very much." "The champion of having more shit on your face than seal." "Mike Tyson got a tattoo on his face so that every time he looks in the mirror, he can be proud that converting to Islam is only the second dumbest thing he's ever done." "That's good." "You regret it." "I well may." "And now for the man of the hour," "Mr. Charlie Sheen." "Charlie, I don't understand why you're not grateful for what you have right now." "I mean, after all, the only reason you got on TV in the first place is because God hates Michael j." "Fox." "Charlie, you are a monster." "Every moment of your life looks like the first two minutes of Law  Order:" "SVU." "You've convinced more women to have abortions than the prenatal test for [bleep] syndrome." "And, Charlie, I think the craziest thing about you is that you thought you were gonna go back to your TV show after calling your boss a "Jew [bleep]."" "If people got to keep their jobs after calling their boss a Jew [bleep], Charlie, then everyone would do it." "But, Charlie, despite everything I've just said, you're a good sport for being here tonight." "Thanks for letting me be here, too." "Thank you, everybody." "Thanks a lot." "The Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen is brought to you by FIFA Soccer 12." "Still to come, Steve-O..." "This is critical if I'm gonna have a future beyond breaking bones and shoving things up my butt." "Amy Schumer..." "I'm gonna get shit-faced." "I'm gonna be slurring and throwing up on strangers." "And Patrice O'Neal." "This should be my last show ever." "Uh, our next roaster is Steve-O." "This guy makes it easy for us to bust his balls and pull his leg, because his balls are usually stapled to his leg." "So, now, please give up your horse semen for Steve-O." "What an honor to be here with Mike Tyson." "The last time I hung out with Mike, we locked ourselves in a bathroom and ripped through five grams of cocaine." "But Mike's really changed his ways, though." "See, here he is taking a beating for a check, and it hasn't been made out to Don King." "That is a good one." "That is a good one." "Some people know Kate Walsh as a television actress, but most people don't know her at all." "And my hero..." "Charlie Sheen." "Charlie definitely has tiger blood coursing through his veins." "Unfortunately, that tiger is a helpless drug addict." "Dude, your nose is like my ass." "There's nothing you won't shove up there." "I've been clean and sober for 3 1/2 years now..." "But Charlie still hasn't hit rock bottom." "I know he's looking forward to it, though, because he thinks there's a rock there." "You know, when Charlie started referring to his girlfriends as goddesses," "I was confused, so I looked it up in the dictionary." "It said, "Goddesses, plural, noun-- two [bleep] dumpsters who got sick of buying their own drugs."" "But, Charlie, don't ever pretend that you're not a totally bitchin' rock star from Mars, because you are." "And I love you." "And I am so grateful that you've let me be a part of this tonight." "Right now I'm gonna do something insanely stupid for you." "I am going to attempt to get a black eye from the former heavyweight champion of the world." "Mike, bro, I am ready." "Let me get that fist." "Man, I don't want to do this shit, man." "We're not gonna call the police or anything after this." "[Bleep] him up, Mike!" "All right." "Okay." "One, two, three." "Go for it." "Aah!" "Ah." "I think that'll do it." "Thank you, everybody." "Wow." "That's what it looks like when an asshole gets fisted, I guess." "All right." "All right, what can I say about Amy Schumer?" "Um, I actually mean that sincerely." "I've never heard of this woman." "So please get ready for the comedy stylings of the fourth runner-up of the fifth season of Last Comic Standing," "Amy Schumer." "Mike "Tython."" "Am I saying that right?" "Ha ha." "I'll get you good." "Wasn't he great up here?" "No, I'm asking." "I couldn't understand a [bleep] word he said." "Mike, your voice sounds like a girl crying." "Every time you speak, do you give yourself an erection?" "Sometimes." "Depends what I'm talking about" "Hey, hey, hey, Mike, here's something you'll never hear" ""Great tattoo!"" "You have a slutty lower-back tattoo on your face." "Men don't know whether to be scared of it or finish on it." "Look at that face." "It's so-- it's so dark and wrinkly and constantly getting pounded." "It's like Patrice's grandmother's asshole after a gospel brunch." "Oh." "Shit." "I'm just assuming she raised you." "Patrice O'Neal, one of my favorite comics" "Patrice has always been destined for stardom and diabetes." "So tonight is not just the roast of Charlie Sheen." "It's also a farewell party for Patrice's foot." "Diabetes--holy shit." "Evil." "Sitting next to this bitch the whole time." "I didn't know she-- this was coming." "It's true." "If Amy had as many dicks coming out as she had going in, she'd look like a [bleep] porcupine." "Is his interpreter here?" "Anthony, what's your last name" "Uh, Van Der Sloot?" "What is it?" "Uh..." "You have all the likeability of a Hitler youth." "Look at you." "Speaking of Kate Walsh, Kate, to some people," "Grey's Anatomy is more than a TV show." "In fact, Grey's Anatomy is what William Shatner calls his balls." "Right?" "William." "I've seen less bloated men dredged out of rivers." "What's going on?" "Wha--does Priceline pay you in empanadas?" "What's happening?" " Are you taking that from her?" " Oh, yeah, we have to." " You got to get her back!" " Go get her." "And Steve-O is here." "Steve-O, great try." "Steve-O..." "But I truly am, no joke, sorry for the loss of your friend Ryan Dunn." "I know you must have been thinking," ""It could have been me,"" "and I know we were all thinking, "Why wasn't it?"" "Um..." "Thank you." "[Bleep] you, Amy!" "Oh, Mike." "Stay away from me." "Speaking of things that should already be dead," "Charlie Sheen is still alive." "Charlie, you--I'm a fan." "You were amazing in Platoon." "Your marriage to Denise Richards, it was kind of like her Vietnam, 'cause she was constantly afraid of being killed by Charlie." "But there's no denying how famous you are." "I mean, it was international news when you ruined the lives of those two girls living with you-- you know, your daughters." "But, no, I mean, Charlie, you get a bad rap, but you're just like Bruce Willis." "You know, you were big in the '80s, and now your old slot's being filled with Ashton Kutcher." "But all joking aside, if you ever need a friend to pee in a cup for you," "I'm your gal." "Thanks for having me." "You know what's funny?" "I have never met William Shatner." "Coming up, William Shatner..." "And I'm very much looking forward to meeting Shatner." "Patrice O'Neal..." "That shit is crazy, man." "And Charlie Sheen." "I think if-- Wow." "Look at those statues." "Sorry." "What was the question?" "All right, our next roaster is the legendary William Shatner." "Here he is." "I can't joke about this guy, 'cause I think he's the [bleep] greatest." "The guy who played Captain Kirk back before Star Trek looked like a bunch of gay guys working in a Mac store, William Shatner." "Thank you, thank you, thank you." "Keep it going for Chaz Bono." "Uh, Charlie..." "I was driving by tonight, and I heard that they were doing your roast, and I thought what a great-- great opportunity to offer this young Mexican..." "A bit of fatherly advice he so clearly hasn't been getting." "You see, I've been doing this for quite a while now, and I think that, uh, I can bestow on you some of the vast wisdom from my experience in this wonderful business of entertainment." "Uh, first off, Charlie," "I'm, uh..." "I'm 80 years old." "You're, what, 47?" "46." "How come we look like we went to high school together?" "And, uh..." "And you're going too fast, son." "You got to slow down and smell the roses, my boy." "That's why I have such a storied and..." "Illustrious career..." "Because I'm patient." "I was willing to wait a long time to get into the right projects..." "Just like Patrice O'Neal's family." "Okay, Charlie." "So you're out of a job." "Don't feel sad." "I know another famous guy who was kind to whores and always kept 12 losers around, and he got crucified by Jews, too." "And people worshipped that guy." "Look, look, Carlos..." "I've had my share of wild times with the señoritas." "Yeah." "I've had sex in space with green women." "Sure, you've had sex with blue women, because unlike you, they couldn't handle their drugs." "You don't need that kind of press, Charlie!" "In my day, if I wanted that kind of publicity," "I had to do something drastic, like kiss a black girl......" "Or let an Asian drive." "Oh." "May I suggest to you, Charlie..." "That you reexamine your relations with women?" "Prostitutes cost a lot of money, Charlie." "Hasn't anyone told you that actresses will sleep with you for free?" "Man, that's-- that's Hollywood 101." "You should have called." "You know, uh, what will help you get through this-- this--this tough spot, something--you have to give something back." "See, I was at--recently at a celebrity auction where I sold one of my kidney stones for $75,000." "Oh, yeah." "Oh, yeah." "Do you understand what I've done?" "I synthesized uric acid and calcium inside my bladder and turned it into a house for habitat for humanity." "Who's the warlock now, bitch?" "Actually, Emilio..." "We're not that different." "You're a rock star from Mars." "Yes, you are." "And as one rocket man to another, if I may give you my most important piece of advice tonight-- never, ever forget to book your next rehab stay" "Now, Charlie, see, you take it from the master." "That little subtle plug there" "$65 right in the pocket." "Whoa, my, look at the time." "Oh, jeez." "I got to simply-- I must get home." "I want to catch that new Ashton Kutcher show." "Do you--do you know him?" " He's a nice guy." " No." "I went to high school with his wife." "Thank you very much." "It was funny." "He was so [bleep] Shatner-y." "How awesome was that?" "Um..." "Our next roaster is Patrice O'Neal." "You may recognize Patrice from his many speaking roles in movies, but only if you've sat in front of him in a theater." "Um..." "I know." "I know." "Some of these jokes may come off racist, which is why it's important to remember that Rosa Parks fought so Patrice could take three seats on the bus." "So please welcome a guy who looks like Chris Farley after a mine-shaft explosion, the very funny Patrice O'Neal." "Thank you." "Thank you very much." "I, uh..." "It's just strange, 'cause..." "I had all this planned shit, but I didn't..." "Like, I didn't know William Shatner was gonna be quasi..." "Like, a old racist man." "Like, but..." "But everybody's giggling, like, "Whoa, he's..."" "You're a [bleep] asshole, Captain Kirk." "What are you talking about?" "Like, I don't respect him, but, like, I'll respect him, 'cause he's [bleep] Captain Kirk, but I think he might be racist, 'cause his hair plugs look like black girls' [bleep] hair." "This is [bleep] amazing." "Like, I wasn't gonna be mean to Anthony." "I don't know him." "I never met him." "Like, so I'm sitting here watching him, and I'm like, "He has way too much confidence."" "Like, in my world, he's an open-miker." "Nobody knows him, and nobody should." "Nobody should [bleep] know Anthony, uh..." "I refuse to learn his last shitty name." "I learned Galifianakis." "That's the last shitty last name this [bleep] gonna learn in this [bleep] funky town." "He reminds me of a medieval restaurant waiter." "Like..." "His whole demeanor." "Like, "Hello, may I welcome to--"" "and you just want to go," ""Shut the [bleep] up" ""and bring me my giant turkey leg, you [bleep] nothing."" "How the [bleep] can I be too mean after all this shit?" "I can't believe it." "I'm dying of diabetes, and you mother[bleep] are like," ""Oh, that evil, fat [bleep]." You know." "I consider Seth an icon." "I do." "Like, I got a critique about Seth." "It--it's too much Seth." "It's..." "Like, it's almost like he's jealous of his own creation." "Where he wants to prove "I'm better than the cartoons."" "But he's not better than the cartoons." "See, but I think the problem is with Seth is that he don't have a partner, you know, like the South Park guys or Hanna-Barbera." "I know we've read that old story that, uh, Hanna once said, "I'm bigger than Yogi,"" "and Barbera slapped the shit out of him for saying that?" "Seth needs a Barbera..." "To slap him and slap him twice." "Once to say, "Hey, man, don't forget why people love you."" "And two, "Just say you're gay."" "No..." "No straight man writes that many show tunes." "That's a fact." "I love Mike Tyson, and I don't have much to say." "I'm just disappointed and hurt at how much comfort white people have around you now." "I don't--I don't like it." "And Steve-O, this new, subdued, "not drunk" you, it [bleep] stinks, man." "Why are you still looking at me like that, Mr. Shatner, sir?" "Are you like, "Boy, I had more for that [bleep]." "I didn't say it." "I should have said it, 'cause he's an asshole." "You're telling it as it is." "You're telling it like it is." "Jeff Ross, I love you, I guess." "Look, Jeff Ross is a legend." "His funniness is a legend." "But when I say "legend," I mean a myth..." "Like the Loch Ness monster or Bigfoot." "Like, we all believe they exist, but who really ever saw it?" "Ah, shit." "I've turned down many roasts." "I have-- about three or four of 'em." "And I said yes to this, and I'm dead-ass serious." "I said yes to this because, uh," "I respect Charlie Sheen." "I do." "I said yes 'cause I respe-- not--not--not his body of work." "Like, not..." "It's all been very Christian Slater-ish." "Like it just, like..." "He sucks, but he's good." "But he sucks at the same time." "Uh, I think that his stand that he made, uh, against the business" "I think this is a [bleep]-up business, but he stood up, he still survived, uh, and he proved that nobody can keep, like, a Sheen down, you know?" "They can keep a Estevez down, 'cause his brother..." "And he's the good one." "That mother[bleep] do everything right, and that [bleep] career is over." "Holy shit." "[Bleep] tiger blood." "He's selling his own blood to make money." "But I wanted to say to your eyes, man," "I-I-I..." "I love that you stood up to what you thought was wrong, and, uh, I'm impressed by you, and I wanted to say that." "So thank you, man." "Thanks for having me." "Y'all take care." "Thank you." "Still to come, Charlie Sheen goes off." "He's winning." "I mean, when you're winning, you can take anything." "Give it as good as you get it, my friend." "I hope all you clowns are ready for my "sheenius."" "And now it is time for the moment we've all been waiting for." "We're gonna get to hear a ranting tirade from the man himself." "And now, ladies and gentlemen," "I give you a man with a big heart, because it's been dangerously enlarged by cocaine use," "Charlie Sheen." "?" "Wild thing ?" "?" "you make my heart sing ?" "?" "you make everything ?" "?" "groovy ?" "?" "come on, come on, wild thing ?" "Hi." "Hello." "I'm Charlie." "Wow." "Wow [bleep] Wow." "What a night." "Until tonight, I never realized how [bleep] up I was." "All this time, I thought I was just having fun." "Yeah, it's true." "It's true." "I've hung around with a lot of shady people over the years-- losers, drug addicts, dealers, desperate whores." "But to have you all here on one night is really special." "My thanks to Seth MacFarlane." "Great job tonight." "Look at you." "Look at you, Seth." "You've got the-- got the spray-on tan, the waxed eyebrows, the peck implants, halogen teeth, the bleached anus..." "The scrotal tuck, nipple enlargement, taint augmentation." "But I got to admit, I envy you." "You've got boatloads of money, three TV shows, and still, even with all the work you've had done, you can talk down the street totally unrecognized." "Yes." "Yeah." "Tonight I put all the craziness behind me." "I say let the past stay in the past..." "With Jon Lovitz." "Steve-O, you're an animal, man." "People say I'm crazy, but you, you're the real deal." "This guy actually got a tattoo of his own face on his back." "There it is." "There it is." "Even he knows it was a huge mistake, because it makes" "Johnny Knoxville's [bleep] go soft." "Kate Walsh." "I don't know anyone who watches your show..." "Because I date women who can still get their period." "Anthony Jeselnik." "I really liked your slow, measured delivery." "It's as if you were trying to-- trying to savor the moment." "Years from now when you're locking up at Radioshack..." "You'll look back at tonight and say..." ""I..." ""Wish..." "I..." ""Was..." "Funnier."" "Goddamn." "Seriously, dude, the only thing slower than your delivery is Patrice O'Neal's metabolism." "When I first saw Patrice on the stage," "I thought the same thing we all did" "Why is Mike Tyson's mother here?" "But, Mike, no, no, Mike, Mike, Mike," " you were fantastic tonight." " Oh, shit." "By the way, Mike," "I'm sorry for drinking all the blood out of your tiger." "I was going through a weird phase." "Ah, look, there he is" "Jeff Ross." "Jeff, Jeff, that Gaddafi outfit is perfect for you, because you have what I would call a Libyan face." "By that, I mean it's [bleep] revolting." "Oh, hey, look." "Look." "It's former funnyman Jon Lovitz." "Just last week, we were out on the golf course, we chatted, had a few laughs, then he got back on the mower and drove off." "And Amy Schumer." "Great job." "You really [bleep] me tonight..." "Which I dig, because I'm into anonymous sex." "And no one's more anonymous here than Amy Schumer." "I mean, I'm Charlie [bleep] Sheen." "They know me on Mars." "They don't know you in this room." "You know, I personally asked that William Shatner be here, only because I needed some clean urine." "I had to wring it out of the diaper, but it did the job." "Bill, you've always been an inspiration to my acting." "It was your work on Star Trek that inspired me to act like an asshole until the rest of the cast stopped speaking to me." "But, look, look, this has been, um..." "This has been both enlightening and fun." "You are all worthy adversaries." "But the thing is, once again, I have come out unscathed." "You can't hurt me." "Hell, I can't even hurt me." "Drugs couldn't kill me." "Sex couldn't kill me." "The press couldn't kill me." "Two and a Half Men couldn't kill me." "Did you really think your little jokes were gonna hurt me?" "I'm the wild thing-- Ricky [bleep] Vaughn, man." "You're looking at a guy who thrives on chaos." "At ten years old, I was on the set of Apocalypse Now in the Philippine jungle, playing with severed heads in Colonel Kurtz's compound." "When I did Ferris Bueller, my first line in the film was "drugs?"" "I thought they were asking me how I wanted to be paid." "After Platoon, Wall Street, and Major League," "I went on to have the biggest salary on television." "Sounds great, right?" "It was." "No, really." "It [bleep] was." "I did porn stars." "I did drugs." "I had my own television show." "And then..." "Then I did the one thing that everyone in America really wishes they could do." "I told my boss to [bleep] off." "And then it was gone..." "In one fiery public flame-out." "And it was only when the smoke cleared," "I realized just how lucky I am, because even after all that," "I still have a family that loves me." "That's why they're not here tonight." "Yeah, they've-- they've seen me in jail." "They've seen me rushed to emergency rooms." "They've seen me dragged into court." "But seeing me on basic cable would kill them." "But I know-- I know that my family will always be there for me, so..." "What I'm trying to say is that" "I'm done with "the winning,"" "because I've already won." " Yeah." " Yeah." "This roast may be over, but I'm Charlie Sheen." "And in here-- in here burns an eternal fire." "I just have to remember to keep it away from a crack pipe." "I'll see you all in the next adventure." "I love you." "Good night." "Thank you." "Mike." " Oh, he's doing it again?" " Yeah." "Come on, Steve-O." " Don't hurt me." " Oh!"