"( rhythmic knocking )" "What is that?" "( knocking repeats )" "He is here" " Colonel Hogan." "Hi, Tiger." "So you're Herr Brauner, huh?" "Congratulations." "You saw what's outside?" "Gestapo." "Gestapo." "It is not true." "They do not know that I'm here." "They could not have followed me." "No?" "They've been following you ever since you left Berlin." "Colonel Hogan, are they coming up?" "No, it's the waiting game." "Trail him to get a road map of our escape route out of Germany." "Pick up every member of the underground on the way." "Including me." "BRAUNER:" "It's your fault." "You people urged me to defect." "Nagged me for months." "We told you when and how." "Instead, you panicked-- hopped in your staff car and ran." "They were getting suspicious." "I was being followed by the Gestapo!" "And you still are!" "You must save me." "I have all the financial secrets of the Third Reich." "London and Washington calls me the "evil genius"" "behind the Nazi money empire." "Start thinking, genius." "Colonel Hogan, we could take him out through the passageway, no?" "Of course." "I'm saved!" "Not a chance." "It leads straight to a beer hall." "We all go out that way, the Gestapo would be in here in a few minutes and take this place apart until they find the passageway." "So?" "So?" "So they come straight to the beer hall and force those people to talk." "Then they come straight to Stalag 13 and find our whole operation." "I take the risk." "I won't." "I should not have listened to you people." "I had a good position, security." "I even got a medal from Herr Hitler." "Hitler?" "Okay, we'll do it that way." "What way?" "Tiger, you and I are going to go out through the passageway." "We got to get you out of Germany." "They're going to be looking for you." "But what about me?" "You're going to stay here and sit tight." "Stay here alone?" "I cannot." "In two hours, exactly 3:00, you go down and get in your staff car." "But they'll be following me." "Right, straight to Stalag 13." "You enter through the main gate." "They will arrest me." "They will arrest everyone!" "Not if you do as I tell you." "Do what?" "Put a scarf around your face, pull your hat down over your eyes." "You're entering camp in disguise." "Disguised as who?" "He's disguised as you." "Who?" "Who?" "Adolph Hitler." "For the last time, Hogan, I have heard no rumors," "I will listen to no rumors, and I'm sure that there's no foundation for any rumors." "Suit yourself, Commandant." "But if it happens, you got some big decisions to make." "Big decisions?" "I'm completely loyal." "But if they knock off Adolph, loyal to whom?" "Hmm." "No, I'm sure the Fuhrer's life is in no danger." "I can assure you of that, Hogan." "Dismissed." "You know best, Commandant." "( phone rings )" "Oh, telephone." "Oh, Frau Hilda will get it." "Dismissed." "I better wait." "It may be for me." "Hogan!" "General Fenstermacher's on the phone, Colonel Klink." "General Fenstermacher?" "The head of the General Staff?" "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "But why would he...?" "General Fenstermacher, how very nice to hear from you." "( German accent ):" "Listen, carefully, Klink." "I have no time for small talk." "The Fuhrer's life is in danger." "The Fuhrer's life?" "Conspirators will act within the next 24 hours." "Until the crisis is over, our leader must have a refuge." "But, uh, General Fenstermacher, don't you think the Army could protect him?" "Trust no one." "No one except you, Klink." "Me?" "( chuckles )" "General Fenstermacher, I want you to thank the Fuhrer for this great honor, but I'm sure that there are many other people who would be in a much better position to..." "Be quiet, Klink, and listen." "Of course, sir, definitely, yes." "We are close to you." "At exactly 3:17 this afternoon, a staff car will enter your gate bearing one man in disguise." "Do not approach him." "You don't mean the Fuhrer?" "Exactly." "Allow no one to approach him." "He will go to your quarters where he will seal himself in for 24 hours." "My quarters?" "But, but, but, but my chairs need new slipcovers, sir." "Be quiet, Klink!" "So as there can be no doubt to the authenticity of this call, the next voice you hear will be of our Fuhrer!" "The Fuhrer?" "Klink!" "Ja, ja, mein Fuhrer." "You are the one man in the entire Third Reich that I trust!" "Jawohl, mein Fuhrer!" "Oh, by the way, when you come, sir, I hope that I can show you the workings of our camp security system, the mess hall, the prisoner's laundry." "Do not come near me!" "Hello?" "Going to have a visitor?" "Hogan, this is top top secret." "Now, if you breathe one word about this to anyone," "I will have you shot!" "No one must know." "No one except Burkhalter." "Why should Burkhalter know?" "So he can send troops." "What for?" "Well, what if those guys come looking for the Fuhrer?" "The ones that want to knock him off?" "I must have troops." "Frau Hilda!" "No, you're right." "You can't trust Burkhalter either." "I can't?" "You buzzed, Herr Kommandant?" "Frau Hilda..." "Tell him the prisoners are rioting." "Send a battalion." "Yes." "Get Burkhalter on the phone at once!" "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "I will, of course, defend the Fuhrer with my life if necessary." "On the other hand, if the conspiracy's organized, they may have overwhelming strength, in which case, I..." "Commandant, wouldn't it be easier if you people just had an election every four years?" "Hi, Schultz." "Colonel Hogan, all prisoners are confined to the barracks." "I know, Schultz." "What do you think it means?" "It is not my place as a soldier to question the meaning of orders." "Right." "What do you think it means?" "Guess who's coming." "Who?" "Who?" "Oh, come on, Schultz, you know." "Why else would you have orders not to look at him?" "How do you know about my orders?" "Want me to tell you?" "No." "Better look the other way, Schultz." "Here he comes." "Is he inside yet, Schultz?" "( door closes )" "Yes, he's inside." "Too bad." "I wanted to ask him how things were going on the Russian front." "Did he go in?" "You didn't watch him, did you, Schultz?" "Of course not, Herr Kommandant." "Now ask me." "Hogan!" "Schultz, what is this man doing here?" "I confined all prisoners to the barracks." "Actually, I just caught a glimpse of him-- good disguise." "I must say he looked a little worried, though." "Why shouldn't he look worried?" "These are trying times." "Particularly for him." "Who was it, Herr Kommandant?" "It's none of your business." "However, he put his trust in the right man, sir." "24 hours will be over in no time at all, and you got to make at least general out of this." "Do you really think so, Hogan?" "Oh, it's a cinch." "What's for dinner?" "Hogan, I've got bigger problems than worrying about your dinner." "His!" "You mean, you didn't talk to him about the menu?" "Should I have?" "You know how touchy he is about food." "Oh, yes, yes." "What about soft pillow-hard pillow?" "All those things." "But he said no one was to come near him." "Who?" "Stay out of this." "Hogan, do you think that he would object if I talked to him through the door?" "Brilliant." "After you." "( knocking )" "KLINK:" "Your Excellency, this is Commandant Klink, at your service." "Uh, yeah, I... uh... ( yells )" "Are you all right, Your Excellency?" "Your Excellency?" "( in German accent ):" "I'm quite all right!" "What are you blabbering about, Klink?" "( chuckles )" "Nothing, nothing, Your Excellency." "I was just here to consult about your menu and to..." "I care nothing about the menu." "Nothing." "Of course." "As long as it is the finest!" "Of course, Your Excellency." "The finest." "The important thing is send me a food tester." "They will seek to poison me." "Of course, Your Excellency." "I-I have one right here-- uh, Sergeant Schultz." "He has great experience." "Me, Herr Kommandant?" "No." "The prisoners will seek to poison me." "Send me their senior officer for my taster." "Immediately, Your Excellency." "He's right here." "Hogan, I hope you'll put in a few good words about my efficiency, about my experience." "Klink, I think for dinner we'll have pheasant under glass." "Yeah." "Pheasant under..." "Pheasant under..." "Where am I going to find pheasant under glass?" "A general would know where to find it." "A general." "You're right, Hogan." "Consider it done." "Schultz." "All right, let's get him down below." "We got 24 hours to make him into something even his mother wouldn't recognize." "Change my features?" "!" "It's the only way we're gonna get you out of Germany." "Carter, you stay here." "Don't let anybody through that door but me." "Am I expecting visitors?" "Yeah, in about two minutes, the Gestapo." "They will find me." "Don't worry, you're being protected by the brave and loyal Commandant Klink." "Which means?" "Chum... you're in trouble." "Klink, do you deny that within the last 15 minutes, a man drove into Stalag 13, was admitted by you, and was apparently hidden by you?" ""Deny" seems like such a harsh word." "Let's just say, uh," "I was ordered not to comment on it." "Then you are a party to this conspiracy, and you may consider yourself under arrest!" "Yes." "Now, while I've always been most anxious to cooperate with the Gestapo-- and, believe me, my record is clear on that-- yet, in this peculiar instance," "I..." "Oh, sorry Commandant." "Am I interrupting?" "I can come back." "Who is this man?" "Hogan, come in, come in, come in." "Klink, I have just arrested you!" "I know, Major Hochstetter, I know, and, and I respect you for doing your duty, but, uh, if I could just have a moment with, uh, Colonel Hogan." "What has a prisoner to do with this?" "Is he a part of the escape plot?" "No one ever escapes from Stalag 13, Major." "Right, Commandant?" "Right, Hogan." "And that includes you, Klink." "I will give you 30 seconds." "Thank you, Major." "Traffic ticket, Commandant?" "Hogan, I must go, and I must go now." "It is the Fuhrer?" "You heard his voice, didn't you?" "Then if Hochstetter and his men are here under the pretense of arresting another man, a fictitious character named Brauner, they are actually..." "Here to kill Hitler." "Yes." "What do you think I should do, Hogan?" "You're not planning on selling him out?" "Definitely not." "On the other hand, my relations with the Gestapo have always been most proper, most..." "He just arrested you." "Yes, I may have to yield to superior force." "Superior force?" "He's got ten men." "You just got a battalion that arrived." "Yes." "What do you think I should do, Hogan?" "Arrest him." "Don't let him out of here." "Do it right now." "Yes, definitely." "Major Hochstetter, now, while I deeply admire your sincerity..." "Do it." "( clears throat )" "I regret I, uh, cannot let you have access to my guest." "You are defying me?" "!" ""Defy" seems such a harsh term." "I would prefer..." "I am notifying Berlin of this." "They will have you drawn and quartered." "The Commandant is not allowing you to leave Stalag 13." "Who is this man?" "!" "You are presuming to arrest me, an officer of the Gestapo?" "!" "Yes and no." "( grunts )" "Why didn't you arrest him?" "He seemed like such a nice fellow." "Haven't got the beard off yet, LeBeau?" "No." "No!" "It is my best feature." "You know, it'd almost be a pleasure to hand you over, Brauner." "We couldn't work on you last night, because we couldn't wake you up." "Then you refused to stay down in the tunnel, because you were afraid of cave-ins." "Now we've got just a few hours to get you ready, and you want to hang on to that muff." "I have a weak chin." "You're not gonna have a head!" "Take it off, LeBeau." "Oui, Colonel." "Got all the measurements, Newkirk?" "Yes, sir." "Now, what's it gonna be, uh, civilian suit, or a uniform, or what?" "How should I know?" "Let's see what we can make his face look like." "No plastic surgery!" "Morning, Colonel." "Heil Hitler!" "Seig heil!" "Seig heil!" "Just knock it off, will you?" "Yeah, knock it off." "What's up, Adolf?" "Well, we've been busy down in the communications room." "The Gestapo in Berlin is really blistering Klink." "Didn't get through to him, did they?" "Well, so far we've been able to intercept everything, but I don't know how long we can keep it up." "Kinch is down on the phones now." "You better get over to Klink's quarters." "It's time for His Excellency's breakfast." "Oh, one more thing, Colonel." "Tiger's outside." "Why doesn't everybody come up?" "What do we build tunnels for?" "I'm sorry, but I had to talk to you." "This is mad;" "it will never work." "Probably not, but what choice did I have?" "Klink will not hold up under the Gestapo pressure, and Hochstetter will not wait." "I'll have to go over and jack him up or at least try to." "Oh, and then you bring all the Gestapo in Germany down on us." "And then how will you get him out?" "Disguised as what?" "I'm thinking, I'm thinking." "Schultz, what a marvelous surprise!" "Colonel Hogan, I have to take you to the quarters." "Time for breakfast." "Who is he?" "Sorry, Schultz, can't tell you, top secret." "Colonel Hogan, I'm responsible for what is going on in the barracks!" "I must know who this man is!" "Puff up his cheeks a little bit, little putty on the nose." "He's about the same build." "What do you think?" "Who is she?" "!" "You got an extra uniform we could borrow?" "Colonel Hogan," "I must know what you're doing!" "Schultz, if I tell you, you can either become a tremendous hero..." "Or?" "Shot." "I know nothing!" "Nothing!" "Do I understand you, Klink?" "You are not only defying me, you are defying Berlin?" "Certainly not, Major Hochstetter, but I have received no word from Berlin." "Then you are not only a traitor, you are a liar!" "Sir, as a German officer," "I should resent that." "But I don't." "I'm sure that, through talking this out..." "No more talk!" "You will deliver Brauner to me at once!" "Ah." "Brauner." "Now, if it really is Brauner instead of..." "Well, then it's my duty to hand him over for whatever disposition is necessary, so you see, Major, you and I are both on the same side." "Talk to you a minute, Commandant?" "Absolutely not." "But he wants to talk to you, sir, says it's an order." "He does?" "Major Hochstetter?" "There is no time, Klink." "Don't worry, Major." "I've made up my mind, and whenever I make up my mind," "I never change it." "Almost never." "Your Excellency, I had no idea!" "A promotion?" "To Berlin?" "( in German accent ):" "You still have no idea, Klink." "Listen closely." "In my inner circle, I can trust no one." "Himmler would double- cross me like a shot," "Goebbels' eyes are too close together, and Gehring is too fat!" "Never trust a fat man, Klink!" "Never, Your Excellency." "Never trust a fat man." "And I am getting tired of my burden." "There is no gratitude." "In a few weeks, I will appoint a successor-- the one man in the whole miserable Third Reich who has proven worthy of my trust!" "You, Klink!" "( breathlessly ):" "Your Excellency..." "I shall try to be worthy of it." "Heil Hitler." "Hey, Klink, are you ready to hand him over to me?" "Major Hochstetter... there is a new order coming, a new order, which will sweep vermin like you into the delousing station of history." "You are under arrest..." "Schultz." "You're mad, Klink!" "Take him away." "He bought it, Colonel?" "You were great." "I do a great impression of Winston Churchill." "Someday we'll need it desperately." "We got to move." "We can't stall any more phone calls." "They're gonna get through to Klink now, and he won't know what hit him." "Well, what's the move, Colonel?" "Get Brauner up here, and pray that by now he looks like Schultz." "Right." "Carter, get a uniform on Tiger." "Have her over in front of this building in a staff car in ten minutes." "Make her look like a driver." "Right, Colonel." "You think it'll work?" "No, but I never do." "Reichsfuhrer Heinrich Himmler in person." "A-ha!" "He's got his ear to the ground." "He knows already, Fraulein Hilda." "My dear Himmler, how very nice of you to check in." "But, Herr Reichs Fuhrer, I was..." "Your Excellency, the Fuhrer himself told me..." "What?" "The Fuhrer is in Berchestgarten?" "But how?" "Who?" "!" ""Where is Major Hochstetter?"" "Your Excellency, just as a prank, I... ( chuckles )" "I just put him into... ( laughs )" "Yes, Your Excellency, it shall be done at once." "Yes, sir." "Yes, sir." "Heil Hitler." "When are we going to Berlin, mein fuhrer?" "Forget it!" "Major Hochstetter, I can assure you there will come a time when we will both look back on this and laugh." "( laughs ) Bah!" "( pounding on door )" "Brauner, come out!" "You brought lunch?" "Who is this?" "What are you doing here?" "Who are you?" "Schultz, what's the matter with you?" "!" "He told me he found the door open and no one in here, so he came in." "Brauner has escaped?" "Right." "KLINK:" "Well, then why are you sitting there?" "Go out and sound the alarm." "Staff car and go look for him?" "Take a staff car and go look for him." "Yes, sir." "Schnell!" "Oh, Major, such men they send me." "It's no wonder..." "Brauner will get nowhere, Klink." "My men have ringed this camp with a band of steel." "We have merely to sit and wait." "Good idea." "Not you!" "Sorry, Schultz, we had to get your attention." "Attention?" "Yeah, Klink sent us after you." "There's a bad riot on the east side of camp." "But small, small." "And they are not armed." "Uh-huh." "( engine starts )" "Would you believe if I tell you that I just saw myself?" "No." "No." "No." "No." "Herr Kommandant, the prison riot on the east side of Stalag 13 has been completely and finally crushed!" "Schultz, what are you talking about?" "What prison riot?" "I sent you after Brauner in a staff car." "Brauner?" "Staff car?" "Who is Brauner?" "Schultz!" "I'm afraid, gentlemen, the master of disguise has given you the slip." "What are you talking about?" "Brauner." "He very cleverly disguised himself as Schultz and left in a staff car." "That's why your men didn't find him, Major." "Impossible!" "It could not happen." "SCHULTZ:" "Oh..." "I did see myself." "When?" "Where?" "I was coming in, and he was going this way..." "Then why didn't you stop him?" "I saw..." "I saw nothing!" "Nothing." "I will have your head for this." "When Berlin finds out what has happened..." "Better they didn't, wouldn't it, Major?" "After all, you were in charge of the case." "Well, yes, but..." "But what can I say?" "Shot while escaping." "I like it." "( clears throat )" "I'm quite sure if you don't press charges against the commandant here, he'll back you up all the way." "Oh, my complete cooperation." "But what if Brauner turns up in England?" "Still a good line-- "Shot while escaping."" "Could apply to anyone-- you, Klink, anyone." "That's true." "( chuckles )" "Herr Kommandant, what about the riot?" "Oh, shut up!" "Shut up!" "What did I say?" "Now, Hogan, I want to get the picture really clearly in my mind." "Glad to help, sir." "You were the only one who saw Brauner before he disguised himself as Schultz." "Right on the button, Commandant." "Yes, but... but Schultz and the Fuhrer are quite different in appearance." "Now, was Brauner really able to convince you that he was Hitler?" "Well, let's put it this way-- he sure fooled me." "Amazing." "Absolutely amazing." "And the Fuhrer's voice, it was so real." "And I could see myself." "It was so real." "You'd make a great fuhrer, sir." "Oh, no, no." "You really would." ""(End of Episode)""