"You're the only one who agrees with me." "Yeah." "I don't get the vampire thing, either." "They're all in such bad moods." "I know." "They're so mopey." "It's like, so you're undead." "Cheer up and get a tan, am I right?" "You are right." "(Both blow raspberry)" " That was good." " Yeah?" "Just like I showed you." " So, Amber..." " Well done, Weaver." "Thank you." "What was that for?" "Nothing." "Um, what were you saying?" "Uh, well, um..." "I've been hearing quite a bit of talk about an upcoming dance." "Yeah?" "And I was wondering if..." "You would... (Speaks indistinctly) Wow, Amber, nice score." "Thank you so much." "Sorry." "I'm totally distracted." "Jeremy asked me to the dance." "Oh." "I know." "It's crazy." "Every girl wanted him to ask her, and he asked me." "I feel like princess Diana..." "Would have felt if prince Charles wasn't the product of inbreeding." "(Forced laugh)" "Huh." "Why are you here right now?" "Grandma had better be dead." "Grandma's fine, sadly." "What is it that you could possibly be doing?" "I'm signing your father and myself up as chaperones for the dance." "Well, then I'm signing up for the army." "Afghanistan." "I'm going to be a minesweeper." "Deal?" "I know this is horrible for you, but I'm doing it anyway, because your father and I met at a dance, and I want to, and I deserve to get something I want." "But I will allow you to give us three guidelines." "No standing near me, no looking at me, no dancing, period." " Even..." " That includes the Weaver running man." "All right." "Done." "Although your father will be disappointed." "If you break any of my rules," "I will make out with Jeremy so hard, so in front of you, you won't be able to close your eyes without picturing some guy's hand groping your daughter's butt." "You'll try to think of the beach, or something happy so you can sleep." "But you won't be able to." "His hands." "My butt." "All night." "I think we'll all have a great time." "Yeah." "It should be good." "Bye, sunshine." "S01E13 Dream Weavers" " Oh." " Man." "Now this is a suit." "(Laughs)" "The cummerbund was the same blue as your eyes..." "And my eye shadow." "Now you were saying that high school dances are not just about dancing?" "Right." "They're kind of like a love war zone." "There's heartbreak, pursuit, rejection..." "So much rejection." "And at this dance, Marty and I had the whole shebang." "It was a night of drama and tears, but in the end, we realized..." " We were soul mates." " How exhausting." "Why wouldn't you skip all that first part?" "Well, sometimes you have to get it wrong before you get it right, you know?" "Actually, we don't." "Zabvronians are so perfectly in tune with the universal truth that we don't get it wrong." "When it is time for two beings to find each other, we are pulled onto our feet by an intractable force and the same thing is happening to our mate, wherever they may be." "Hmm." "And we are pulled by this force to a nearby holy space which you call a love field." "Oh, no." "We don't call anything a love field." " No?" " (Both) No." "Well, anyway, that's how we meet, and from that moment forward, we are together and in harmony for all eternity." "Well, not always in har..." " In harmony for all eternity." " Sorry." "Well, I wonder if I'd like it being that easy." "The whole drama of dating, the "will-they-won't-they?"" "That's what high school dances are all about." "Well, that and the cool suit." "Oh, he still has his." "You wanna see it, Larry?" "Come on." "I honestly just wanted to bring your newspaper and go ho... oh." "I always get sucked in." "Debbie Weaver, will you tell me more about how you met your soul mate Marty?" "Let's make mimosas and find the yearbooks, huh?" "She's pretty fast and loose" " with the excuses for mimosas..." " Shh, shh, shh." "Mm." "Oh." "This is so great." "Greg tansey was my date." "Wait." "Marty wasn't your date?" "No." "We went with other people." "That's the story." " Oh." " So Greg picks me up in this really cool car he borrowed from his dad." "Totally dreamy." "He comes to the door with the perfect corsage." "Corsage?" "Oh, it's a flower you strap to your wrist." "It's what boys bring girls for dances." "A wrist flower?" "That sounds preposterous," " and yet now I really want one." " Right?" "Oh, I was so excited." "But then..." "He stood you up." "But Marty, who lived next door and had much better hair, took you anyway?" "(Gasps)" "No." "Greg and I went to the dance." "But he runs off to hang with his guy friends, totally leaving me alone." "I was so embarrassed." "I burst into tears and ran outside." "I know it's all going to be fine, but I'm still so nervous that it won't be." "So I pulled myself together, and I go inside to get myself a glass of punch." "And standing by the punch bowl is..." "Greg tansey's father." "He wanted his car back." "No." "Marty." "He had gone to the dance with this trashy girl," "Lisa Biscotti." "And they were having a horrible time, too." "So he poured me a glass of punch, had me laughing right away." "I thought we spoke for five minutes." "It ended up being almost an hour." "Time flew because you were in love." "(Exhales)" "Exactly." "So we decided to break it off with our dates, we met on the dance floor, he pulled me in close, and we danced to "Dream Weaver."" "Which is your name." "It was perfect, because your name is in the song." "You are getting it now." "Wow." "That's why I want to chaperone this dance, you know?" "Sometimes it's nice to have a reminder of where it all started." "I think a high school dance sounds like the most exciting, romantic place in the world." "Ooh." "Let's watch John Hughes movies about dances and make more mimosas." "(Lowered voice) They're mostly orange juice." "I think she has it under control." "I really do." "(Door closes)" "Husband, I want a "will-they-won't-they."" "Fine." "Order one on Amazon." " You can put it on the credit card." " No." "I want a dramatic story about how you won me." "The way we got together was so easy." "So boring." "Oh, yes." "The universe drew us together through space and time to a perfect union." "What a snooze festival." "I want drama, pursuit." "I want you to chase me." " What, into the kitchen?" " Metaphorically." "You want me to metaphorically chase you into the kitchen?" "I want you to win me after a twisty, turny story where it seems like you won't, filled with disappointment and wrist flowers, and then, just when all is lost, a dreamy car." "But I already won you." " Have you?" " Have I?" "Oh, that's not how you do it." "I'm going to storm out dramatically." "Oh, darling, don't be ridiculous!" "You're taking me to that dance!" "Oh... come on, pumpkin!" "Ugh." "I guess this is what I'm doing this week." "(Man) ?" "I have a crush on" "?" "crush on miss Johnson" "?" "I have a crush on" " ?" "crush on miss Johnson" " Ooh." "Hello." "I'm Reggie." "I noticed you don't have any friends and might be desperate for a date." "That's true." "I'm Giselle..." " Like the model." " Great." "So I recently learned that the way you find your soul mate is to go to the dance with the wrong person, who you then break up with after you find your soul mate at the punch bowl." "So I was wondering, would you like to be my wrong person, the one I will dump?" "Can we still take pictures at my parents' house?" "Sure." "Okay." "Awesome." "You can meet my turtle." "That's weird, but I'll pick you up at 8:00." "Okay." "(Crickets chirping)" "(Jangle)" "Your date has arrived." "Oh, honey, you look beautiful." "I even pulled out the rhinestones." "My neck will be green by 10:00." "(Laughs)" "Oh, oh." "And..." "I got you a boutonniere." "You got me flowers?" "I didn't realize we were going all out." "You want me to wear the suit?" "I could..." "No, you look handsome." "Good, 'cause I don't think I can hold my stomach in all night." "Come here." "Mm." "Okay." "This whole touching each other thing, this is the last of that." " Wow." " Oh, she's an angel." "And thus ends our talking for the night." "(Car horn honks) Is Jeremy outside?" "Bring him in here." "We wanna meet him." " Oh, I need pictures." " Right." "Well, then you'd better borrow someone's hubble telescope, because that's as close as you're going to get to us." " Just one." " No." " Just one of me and you?" " Not happening." " Marty, Marty, take a picture." " Almost." "Almost." " Okay." " Now." "Now." "Now." "Now." "(Beeps)" "Nope." "All door." "Ah!" "Oh, I hope she has fun." "I hope it's magical." "Well, I hope it's platonic." "And I hope that Jeremy's a eunuch." "Are we picking them up, or are they gonna meet us here?" "What?" "Who them?" "What are you talking about?" "(Dance music playing)" "Guys?" "Hey." "Hey." "Hey." "Hey." " Break it up." " No roughhousing!" "Take it to the shower where it belongs!" "Go." "Go." "(Both laugh)" "If the boys just wanted to hang out with each other, why did they even bring us?" "I have no idea." "Well, I'm so glad I came." "You know what, though, Larry?" "Jackie seems a little upset." " You should go talk to her," " I think." "Oh, no." "Don't worry." "I know my wife." "You know what we should do?" "Let's go outside where the kids smoke and watch 'em scatter like cockroaches." "Oh, Marty Weaver, you are fun. (Laughs)" " You're fun!" " Don't you start with me, big boy." " Oh, you wanna start with me?" " Oh, you wanna start something, do you, big boy?" "Yeah, I wanna start with you." "I'm gonna start with you." "Sometimes it's hard to stay attracted to them." "So hard." "It's interesting..." "mondays and wednesdays," "I do upper bod, Tuesdays and Thursdays," "I do lower." "Fridays are cardio." "But today, I was doing squats, when I realized..." "It's Friday." "So what'd you do?" "(Exhales)" "Switched to cardio." "I can't believe that he's your date." "She's his date." "I should get your number." "I'm gonna start texting you now." "Oh, my." "It really is quite magical, isn't it?" "It's nice." "Sometimes I light candles and sit in my closet." "It's nice, too." "Okay." "I'm going to the punch bowl to wait for my soul mate." "Can I stand near you?" "Or would you like me to keep my distance?" "Giselle..." "Keep your distance." "(Dance music playing)" "Oh, my God." "That was awesome." "Girls, you missed it." "We chased down these kids with a flask." "They tried to get away by jumping over these bushes, but they fell in face-first." "(Snorts and laughs) There was blood." "I love chaperoning." "Husband!" "I want to be "pretty in pinked,"" "and I want it now." "You're completely dropping the ball." "Oh, I disagree." "I think I'm doing great." "You didn't even give me a wrist flower." "Why would I kill one of my flowers for you?" "Because you are trying to get me." "But I already have you." "Larry, you should go after her." "Like I said, I know my wife." "Now is not the time." "Oh!" "Below-the-waist touching on the dance floor!" "I'll be with you in a sec." "Crazy." "He's having fun." "So, think you could hang with your date for, like, a minute?" "Wait, are you..." "you really mad at me?" "I thought we were chaperoning." "Is this a date?" "Well, yeah." "I wanted to relive the night we fell in love." "(Chuckles)" "How about I go see if the D.J. has "Dream Weaver,"" "and then you give your old man a dance, because I still have some funky moves." " Oh, you do?" " Yeah, you wanna see?" " Let's see." " Wanna see it?" " Remember this one?" " Oh." "I like it." "You like this, when I do this with the arms?" "The attitude?" "Oh, my God." "Stop." "Stop." " Go get me some punch." " All right." "All right, be right back." "Hey, Reggie, what are you doing?" "Debbie Weaver told me about how humans meet their soul mates by the punch bowl." "So I'm here." "No, buddy, that's just how Debbie and I got together." "That's not everybody's story." "Oh." "(Sighs) So I am so confused." "What's my soul mate story?" "Buddy, don't let the ladies get into your head, okay?" "Stories are just that..." "stories." "Can I tell you a secret?" "That dance that we met at?" "When I went outside to break it off with my date, she was very upset, so I tried to comfort her." "And then, you know, one thing led to another, and..." " You get what I'm saying?" " Not if there's subtext." "We made out in the library, up against a bunch of books." "I didn't even officially break up with her." "You know, so then when I got back, Debbie was there, and, you know, "Dream Weaver,"" "and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah." "So you see, no one ever really knows how they found their soul mate." "Or if their marriage was based on lies!" "No, no, honey, I wasn't saying..." ""Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah"?" "Ugh!" "Animal!" "You didn't see her standing there?" "Like, while we were talk..." "never saw her?" "(Crying)" "High school dances suck." "Guys suck." "Why don't they stop doing that?" " I don't know." " We don't do that." "Not as much, no." "(Girl crying)" "Oh..." "Here you go, sweetheart." "That's the worst part." "Oh, God." "Hey." "Why aren't you dancing with your date..." "And her turtle?" "I don't really feel like it." "Mm." "So what's up with you tonight?" "You've been lurking by the punch bowl, and now you're sulking." "Acting a little moody vampire-y, huh?" "Just a little sad because..." "I thought tonight would be the night when..." "When I told you something." "Reggie, I've been waiting for this." " You have?" " Yeah." "Well, I mean, I didn't know that aliens could swing that way, but it's so cool to be gay." "(Mutters) Alien gay." "Totally rock 'n' roll, man." "No." "Amber, no." "I am not the gay." "I thought tonight would be the night that you realized that you'd gotten it wrong with Jeremy the jock..." "And that I'm your soul mate." "Oh." "Reggie, I think you're great, but until tonight, you were my only friend." "And you're probably still my only real friend." "I just don't know if I really see you that other way." "I'm sorry." "This is the worst thing I've ever felt!" "My stomach is burning!" "My heart's aching!" "I think I'm gonna die!" "Oh!" "My son!" "What do I do?" "Is he dying?" "(Panting)" "How do I fix it?" "Does this help?" "She thought I was gay." " Well..." " Okay, I'm sorry, guys, but there's not much you can do to make this go away." "But the good news is you're not dying." "It just feels like it." "How can humans stand this?" "Well, often, we eat our way through it." "Sad songs help." "And making out with drummers." "But mostly, you just need time." "That's the big one." "I gotta feel like this for a long time?" "Yeah." "And probably more than once." "What?" "!" "You may think that you totally found your soul mate." "And she doesn't feel the same way, but that just means you weren't soul mates." " Aah!" " So get back out there, and keep looking, 'cause you will find her." "Yes." "Like Debbie Weaver will find her real soul mate." "Tonight she suffers because she has learned it isn't Marty, but she will get back out there, and she will find him, despite her age." "No." "No." "That's not it at all." "I mean, Marty may have been a completely revolting little monster of a 16-year-old, but he made me laugh that night instead of cry." "And there have been a million times since where he has turned my tears into laughter, often via the Weaver running man..." "Which he doesn't even know is funny." "He doesn't even know it." "He is my soul mate." "And that is the universal truth." "Honey, stop texting him and move on." "There are drummers in your future." "Trust me." "Wow." "She knows a lot." "Yes, she does." "I think I'm gonna go back to the dance." "Go, my son." "I'm so proud of you." "And I am going home." "Because my soul mate, and the man who I am destined to spend all of eternity with, is a jackass." "(Music playing in distance)" "The library, huh?" "Reliving old memories?" "Well, all the good sulking spots were taken by crying, kissing, or puking teenagers, so..." "Deb..." "I'm so sorry." "Well, you should be." "Because this..." "this is officially a thing." "You were a weasel, and you will hear about it for the rest of time." "(Gary Wright's "dream Weaver" playing)" "So why are you smiling?" "Because Lisa Biscotti may have taken my story, but tonight, we are takin' back the library." "?" "Ooh, dream Weaver" "♪ I believe you can get me through the night ♪" "This was a good place to sulk." "Hi, Giselle." "I've learned something really interesting tonight... my turtle likes rap." "Sorry about how I've been acting." "It's okay." "I'm a little weird." "It's okay." "I bet I'm weirder." "That's unlikely." "I'm weirder." "My closest relationship is with a green creature who spends most of its life hiding in its shell." "I can relate." "So... why don't I go grab us a couple of glasses of punch?" "Make it three?" "Husband." "(Omd's "If you leave" playing)" "Drama!" "Happy ending!" "They will." "Are you winning me?" "I hope I am." "But maybe I'm too late." "No." "No." "You are just in time." "I was sure that all was lost." "Well, I had to make you feel that way for this to be so good, right?" "(Gasps)" "It was a long con." "Whose car is this?" "I have no idea." "Some brat." "You happy?" "It's exactly what I wanted. (Gasps)" "Like I keep saying..." "I know my wife." "?" "You gotta say you will" "♪ I touch you once, I touch you twice ♪" " Those little bastards are smoking again." " Ohh." "Hey!" "You!" "Oh!" "(Thud)" "?" "I need you now" "(ballad playing)" "Oh." "Hi." "Sorry." "No." "I'm sorry." "Are you all right?" "I'm sorry about what I said before." "I hope it doesn't make things weird." "No." "I'm sorry." "We're cool." "It's all cool." "Great." "On the bright side, turns out turtle girl is actually quite interesting." "Who knows?" "Maybe my spot was next to the dance floor, not the punch bowl." "?" "unmeasurable, unchanging all the time ?" "I love this song!" "They used it in "true blood," my favorite show." "Some people think that I look like the main vampire guy." "Do you think so?" "I met him in a mall once." "We have the same jaw and we both squint." "Other people think that I look like if Matt Damon and Ethan Hawke had a baby together." "I don't know about that, though." "My auntie June thinks that I look like Milla Jovovich." "What's that supposed to mean?" "She's a girl." "My grandpa said that I look like Warren Beatty." "I have no idea..." "Break it up." "Hey, hey, hey, hey!" "That's the second time!" "(Switch clicks)" "Seriously?" "Oh, shoot." "That's sad." "Leave the bra!" "Oh!" "Okay!" "Go!" "Go!" "I don't want to see the two of you in here ever again!" "Is that clear?" "Crystal!" "(Boys laughing)" "I can hear you."