"All right, I have turned "it" into "ziti"... uh, with a triple letter on Z and a double word on the I." "Plus going down, I've created "za."" " Za?" " Uh, a colloquialism for pizza." "One of five two-letter words... newly accepted by the National Scrabble Association." " Unbelievable." " You can call them if you want." "That's what we in Scrabble circles call a two-tile takedown." "Bam-bam!" "CHARLIE:" "Alan, is our limo here yet?" " Sorry, I haven't seen your limo." "Oh, 100 points." "Bam-bam!" "That's a gorgeous dress, Courtney." "Thanks." "Charlie insisted on buying it for me to wear tonight." " What's the charity again?" " I don't know." "Landmines." "Orphans." "Landmines for orphans." " I just wanna show you off." " Aw." " Well, you look great." " Thank you." "No, no." "No, there's..." "[SIGHS]" "Something..." "Something wrong." " What?" " I don't know." "I don't know." "Something's missing." "Oh." "Got it." "Ta-da." "Charlie, you shouldn't have." "Well, you've done a lot of things for me you shouldn't have." "Now you look great." "God, it's beautiful." "Thank you." " What are you guys up to tonight?" " Not much." "Just a quiet romantic evening at home." "Loser." "Come on." "That's not fair." " No, it's my word. "Loser."" " Oh." "Oh." "I should point out that you could have used the C at the top of the board... and made "closer."" "I'll stick with loser." "[CELL PHONE RINGS]" "Yeah?" "Great, we'll be right out." "Our chariot awaits." " Have fun." " Thanks." "You too." "Do me a favor." "When we get in the limo, ask the driver to put up the partition." "You bet." "Isn't that sweet?" "She's gonna do more things she shouldn't." " Gluten-free pretzel?" " No, thanks." "Guess this isn't much of a Saturday night date." "Alan, it's fine." "I like staying in with you." "I could probably do without the "bam-bam!"" "I just wish I could take you out and get you things like Charlie does." "I don't need those things." "I mean, they're nice." "They're more than nice." "They're what every girl dreams of." "But let's face it." "Some dreams just have to die." "Well, I'm sorry you had to settle." "I'm not settling." "I'm accepting." "So you're not rich and successful like Charlie." "So you can't take me out in limos and shower me in diamonds." "So there's no expensive restaurants or beautiful dresses." " But?" " What?" "Well, I can't take you out and I can't give you stuff, but..." "But I love you." "Why?" "Boy, you're just gonna keep pushing this, aren't you?" "No, no." "You love me." "I'm good." "Ha, ha." "Let's play Scrabble." "Oh, axolotl." "[CHUCKLES]" "Bam-bam." " Morning." " Morning." "Pottery Barn?" "Yeah, I'm looking for ideas for a birthday present for Lyndsey." "At the Pottery Barn?" "Well, I don't have your money." "There are ways to communicate your feelings for a woman... besides throwing diamonds at her." " True, but diamonds get you limo skull." "Pottery Barn won't get you dry humped in the back of a city bus." "Charming." "So, uh, how was the charity soiree last night?" "I don't know." "We never made it out of the limo." "Do you have any idea how bad you're making me look?" "Oh, buddy, that's not me." "That's genetics and barber school haircuts." "How do you think it makes me feel when I'm with Lyndsey... and I have to watch you shower Courtney with limos and diamonds?" "Huh." "I never thought about that." "I have a solution though." " What's that?" " Move out." "I'd appreciate it if you didn't do so much of that stuff in front of us." " Again, I have a solution." " All right, let's stipulate for the record... that you want me to move out and I'm not going, okay?" "What is it you'd have me do?" "Not enjoy the money that I earn?" "Not lavish it on the people I love?" "Sneak around giving gifts to my girlfriend so you don't get hurt?" "Is that something you'd consider?" " No, but I'll tell you what I will do." " What's that?" "If I come home to find you standing on a chair with a rope around your neck... because you can't bear another moment of your pathetic life..." "I give you my word, I will kick the chair." "Ooh." "Santa Claus bottle stopper." "Only $12." "I can get her two." " Dad?" "ALAN [MUFFLED]:" "Yeah." " I need money." " Join the club." "Seriously, my clothes are getting too small." "I give your mother money every month... for the express purpose of buying you whatever you need." "Yeah, well, that's not how she sees it." "I don't know what to tell you." "Things are tight right now." "So are my shoes." "ALAN:" "What do you want me to do, tap into your college fund?" "I guess not." "Hang on a second." "Let's not throw that idea out so quickly." " What do you mean?" " Well, realistically... do you actually see yourself going to college?" "Because if you don't, we could use that money to buy you some new clothes." "Plus maybe some other things." "It's funny that you ask that." "I had no interest in college until a few days ago." "What changed?" "I saw this video called Topless Coeds of the Big 10... and I decided I need to go to college." "You expect me to pay $30-, $40,000 a year... so you can meet drunk girls who lift their shirts?" "Yes, please." "[GROANS]" " Is that a "no" on the clothes money?" " I'll talk to your mother about it." "Oh, now I'm filled with hope." "CHARLIE:" "Hey, Alan, come here." " Are you gonna make me feel worse?" "CHARLIE:" "Is that even possible?" "I wouldn't think so, but you usually find a way." " What do you want?" " Couldn't help but hear you... trying to talk Huckleberry out of getting an education." "Yeah, not my proudest moment." "I'm desperate to find a way to buy Lyndsey a decent birthday present." "All right, here's what I'm gonna do." "I'll "lend" you enough so you can buy her something nice." "How much are we talking about?" "Are you kidding?" "You're negotiating with me?" "No, no, forget it." "I appreciate the offer, but I'm not gonna take your money." "I'm sorry, I think I might have just had a small stroke." "I heard you say you won't take my money." "Yeah, you heard me right." "I have to find a way to buy Lyndsey a nice present on my own." " It's a matter of self-respect." " Little late for that, isn't it?" " If it was for me, I'd take your money." " If it was for you, I wouldn't offer it." "This is my girlfriend." "If I can't do this one thing for her, then maybe I just don't deserve her." " Okay, what's your plan?" " I'm not sure." "But when Alan Harper sets his mind to something... just stand back and watch it happen." "Yeah, right." "Cue the theme from Rocky." "[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]" "Need some help?" " A little late to ask, don't you think?" " Nope." "Well, the good news is I am done." "I have accomplished my mission." "After three weeks of 16-hour days at the office and the mall..." "I've managed to earn enough money to buy Lyndsey a beautiful birthday present." "Voila." "A matching set of natural South Sea Island pearls." " No kidding?" " Mm-hm." " And you got these at the mall?" " Uh, well, in the mall parking lot." "Alan, you bought pearls from a guy in a parking lot?" "Not a guy." "A Tahitian wholesaler." "Do you have any idea what the mark-up is on these?" "By eliminating the middleman, I saved a fortune." " You sure about that?" " Don't worry." "They're real." "I have a certificate of authenticity." "The word "authentic" doesn't have a K in it." "It's the man's second language, Charlie." "All right, but for future reference, the way you tell if pearls are real... is you rub them on your teeth." "Rough, they're real." "Smooth, they're fake." "Well, fine, fine." "I will prove it to you." "See?" "Mm." "Rough." "And oddly minty." "[CRACKING]" "Oh, darn." " Morning." " Morning." " Hey, nice pearls." " Found them in the garbage." "Strange some of the things people throw away." "I also found what looked like a half-written suicide note... in your brother's handwriting." " No kidding." "Should I be worried?" "You mean that he won't go through with it?" "He'll be fine." "He's just having money problems." "Okay, but fair warning." "He offs himself, I ain't cleaning it up." " Who's offing themselves?" " Nobody." "BERTA:" "Nobody important." "Hey, I was wondering, you going anywhere today?" "Don't try to play me, knucklehead." "Just ask." " Can I borrow your car?" " No." " Come on." " Dude, that's a very expensive car." "There's no way I'm putting you behind that wheel." " See you." "I'm going shopping." " Have fun." "Courtney, you taking Uncle Charlie's car?" " Yeah." "Why?" " Maybe I could drive you." "Save you the hassle of parking." "Oh, aren't you the sweetest thing?" "Thanks." "See you, handsome." "Yeah, see you, handsome." "Wonderful." "I just got outsmarted by Mr. Potato Head." " Hey." " Hey." " I did a bad thing, Charlie." " Uh-huh." " A very bad thing." " Sorry to hear it." " I don't even wanna tell you about it." " Good." " I am so ashamed." " Okay." "We both know you're gonna tell me, so tell me." "In order to explain, I have to go back a few years." "Oh, please, God, help me." "When Judith and I were still married, but having problems..." "I tried to make her happy by buying her a really nice pair of diamond earrings." " You could afford diamond earrings?" " No alimony, no child support." "It was a bountiful time." "Uh-huh." "I spent a fortune on them." "I wrapped them up nice... took her to an expensive restaurant and gave them to her over cocktails." " And?" " She said thanks, ordered the lobster... then filed for divorce." "At which point I moved in with you." "You're right, Alan." "That was a very bad thing." " Oh, no, that was just the prologue." " Oh, please, God, help me." "This afternoon, I was at Judith's to talk to her... about using my child support to buy Jake new clothes." " Yeah." " She's against it." "We argued, she stormed out of the room... and left me standing there by myself in the house I used to own." "Anyway, before I left, I figured I'd pee." "I didn't need to, but with the traffic, it's a good defensive move..." "Would you please get to it?" "Almost there." "Almost there." "So as I was walking down the hallway..." "I noticed that Judith's bedroom door was open." "And I thought about those beautiful diamond earrings... just sitting there in her jewelry box." "And how I can't even afford to buy my girlfriend a birthday present." "Let me guess." "You peed in her jewelry box." "Judith never even wore them, Charlie." "You stole diamonds from your ex-wife?" "Yeah." "Kudos!" "I don't know how it happened." "It was like I was in a dream and my hands belonged to someone else." "I have that same dream all the time." "Except in mine, the hands do belong to someone else." "I'm a good man, Charlie." "I play by the rules." " This isn't me." " Sure it is." "You made up your mind to get Lyndsey a nice birthday present." "The only part that isn't you is that you succeeded." "I can't give these to Lyndsey." "They're tainted." "I have to sneak them back into Judith's jewelry box." " Oh, you can't do that." " Why not?" "Don't you watch TV?" "Every time the crooks try to put the stolen loot back... it always goes horribly and hilariously wrong." "I'll just have to take that chance." "Tomorrow I'm going back to Judith's." "I'll make this right." "Suit yourself." "I don't suppose you wanna come with me... maybe distract her while I put the earrings back." "Yeah, that sounds like a great plan." "What could go wrong?" " Okay, I'll do it myself." " Don't call me for bail money." "Why?" "You'd give me money to buy a present." "You're not even planning to get away with it?" "Of course, I am." "But I was also planning to become an astronaut and a cowboy." " Hey, baby." " Hey." " How was shopping?" " Oh, we had a great time." "Yeah, it was a blast." "Look, I got the same watch Johnny Depp has." "Wait, wait, wait." "Hold on." " You bought him all this?" " Well, he was so helpful." "Here you go, handsome." "Oh, by the way, you got a parking ticket." "I don't want you buying stuff for that clown on my credit card." "Why not?" "You buy me stuff." " There's a difference." " What's that?" "Well, you're having sex with me and he's just screwing me." "[JAKE LAUGHS MANIACALLY]" "You okay, honey?" "Oh, yeah." "Yeah, I'm just a little tired." "Oh, of course, you are." "You've been working so hard." "Mm-hm." " I got a little something for you." " Oh, not tonight." "I'm dead from the waist down." "No, silly, not that." "This." " What is it?" " Open it and see." "A day of pampering at the Beverly Glen Spa?" "You get a massage, scalp treatment, facial, mani-pedi, anything you want." " What's the occasion?" " You're my man." "You deserve it." " Oh, boy." " What's the matter?" "Well, your birthday's on Saturday." "Alan, I told you, I don't expect anything fancy or expensive." " I know you don't." " Mm." "Which is why I got you these." "[GASPS]" " You shouldn't have." " Tell me about it." "They must have cost a fortune." "Oh, not really." "I stole them." "[BOTH LAUGH]" "Oh." "To my birthday girl." "Thank you, sweetie." "How do they look?" "Almost as beautiful as the woman wearing them." "Oh, Alan." "[ALAN CHUCKLES]" "Hey, hey, hey." "Judith." "Judith, Herb." "Ha, ha." "Um, what a surprise." "What brings you here?" " It's our, uh, weekly "in lieu of sex" dinner." " Herb." "Oopsie." " Hi, Lyndsey." "How have you been?" " Good, thanks." "How about you?" "Fine." "Alan, what is wrong with you?" "Nothing." "I'm, uh, just here with my girlfriend... having a little, uh, birthday celebration, you know." "What are you doing?" "Oh, I'm sorry." "I love it when your hair is down." "It's so sexy." "He's right, it is." " Would you like to join us for a drink?" " Great idea." " Uh, so, Lyndsey, happy birthday." " Thank you." "Did you get anything special?" "Well, as a matter of fact..." "All right, all right, I just have to say something here." "You whine and moan about not having enough money... to buy decent clothes for our son... and yet somehow there's enough for you to go out... and have a big fancy dinner." " What?" "Oh, are you suddenly hard of hearing or are you just allergic to the truth?" " Oh, hey." "Hold on..." " No, no, no." "This needs to be said." "You should be ashamed of yourself." "Shame, shame, shame." "Shame." "Come on, Herb." "He's crazy." "Happy birthday, Lyndsey." "I love the earrings." " Herb." " Coming." "Can you believe I was married to that bitch?" " Hey." " Hey." "Where have you been?" "I was, uh, dropping Jake off at his mother's." " How are you handling your guilt?" " Oh, you mean about the earrings?" "Well, interesting thing." "It's much easier the second time." "[English" " US" " SDH]"