"Ed?" "Huh?" "Ed!" "Leonard." "Hi." "You need to get dressed." "Time to go to work." "Leonard, I don't have to be to work at Maurice's until noon, and it's only... 4:30?" "You're coming to work with me." "With you?" "I need to make a house call." "I thought it'd be a good idea for you to come along." "You want me to go with you to see a patient?" "That's right." "Better get a move on." "It's a bit of a drive, and we need to get there before daybreak." "But, Leonard, I've never done this sort of thing before." "Well, precisely." "If you're going to be a healer, it's not enough to read books and learn allegorical stories." "You need to get your feet wet." "Get some clinical experience under your belt." "I don't know." "I just don't know if I'm ready for this yet." "Ed, no one is ever ready." "You told them you were bringing me?" "Uh-huh." "And that was okay?" "Mm-hmm." "You sure they don't mind?" "Positive." "Leonard." "Arnie." "How's that Hoover I rebuilt?" "Runs like a Tucker." "Good." "This the kid?" "Yeah." "Ed Chigliak, Arnie Norell." "How do you do, sir?" "Please." "I'm sorry to bring you out so early, but mornings are hardest on her." "That's when they come out." "They?" "She'll tell you." "Bonnie?" "Honey?" "Bonnie." "Oh, Leonard." "Hello, Bonnie." "This is my student Ed Chigliak." "Uh, Bonnie Norell." "Hi." "Hi." "I didn't want to bother you, but Uncle Arnie insisted." "It's okay." "Uh, what seems to be the trouble?" "Come here." "Listen." "Black-capped chickadees." "They nest in the willows out back." "All my life, I've loved their song, but suddenly, I can't stand it." "My mouth goes dry, I break out into a cold sweat, my stomach cramps up in knots." "So, I have to wear these." "Uh, why don't we all have a seat?" "Sure." "Let me give you a little history, Ed." "Uh, Bonnie's 21, single." "Aside from the usual childhood illnesses and a greenstick fracture to her left fibula, she's enjoyed excellent health." "Bonnie completed three years undergraduate at the University of Alaska, Fairbanks." "Systems engineering." "She's gifted." "Oh." "She dropped out this year to work with her uncle." "I didn't see the point in finishing." "I couldn't get a good job without going to graduate school anyway." "When did you first notice this reaction to the birds?" "It was a week ago, Monday." "I was pulling apart this old Electrolux." "The chickadees were singing the way they usually do, but suddenly, it was like... someone running their fingernails down a blackboard." "Any unrelated symptoms?" "Uh, headaches, dizziness?" "No." "Well, your nutrition's good." "Are you taking a vitamin supplement?" "Uh-huh." "Ed, why don't you have a look in Bonnie's eyes?" "Maybe something will strike you." "Um" "This isn't a test." "There's no right or wrong answer." " Well?" " Uh" "Well, they're- they're nice." "To make it easier to understand, we divide childbirth into three stages." "There's labor, delivery, delivery of the placenta." "Now, we also divide labor into three stages." "There's latent labor, there's active labor, and there's transitional labor." "Now, before the onset oflabor, the fetus begins its descent into the pelvis." "Now, some women may feel increasing pressure in this area, as well as in the rectum." "About this same time, the cervix begins to thin and open." "As a result, the mucous plug becomes dislodged and is expelled." "Women may feel intensification of Braxton Hicks contractions, as well as a thickening of her vaginal discharge." "Um, some women experience loose bowel movements about this stage." "The most obvious sign of impending labor is the rupture of the membrane." "Most of us refer to this as the breaking of the water." "Um, my girlfriend woke up and her bed was all wet." "And she, like, thought that she had wet it." "But then, like, it turned out that her water broke." "So, you know, how do you tell the difference?" "Well, actually, if you, uh, smell the sheets, believe it or not, urine smells like ammonia and amniotic fluid is, uh, sort of sweet." "Tasty too." "We whip it up in our egg creams." "Holling!" "I'm sorry, Shel." "Guys, can we get back to this?" "We've got a lot of territory to cover here." "Thanks." "Okay, um, now, most labor begins slowly." "There's a gradual building of contractions." "Um, around this time, the cervix begins to dilate." "Now, Bradley called the cervix "the door to the uterus. "" "Door?" "It's knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Holling!" "Mindy Hedstrom left Jack." "Yeah." "I, uh" " I saw her at The Brick last night with Rodney Ellerbee." "Who?" "Fish and Game." "Oh, that guy." "Yeah." "Oh, man." "It's stuck." "Nothing ever works in this place." "Try this one." "Anyway, Mindy and Rodney are wrapped up like octopuses." "She's nibbling' on his ear." "Who walks in?" "Jack, with a.45 strapped to his thigh." "Hey, hey, hey." "Hold that thought." "What is this?" "Medium or dark?" " Well, it's always tricky with red." " Mmm." "Play it safe." "Dark." "All right." "What happened?" "Well, the whole place goes quiet." "Jack walks up to the table and he pulls out this ceramic frog vase." "You know, the kind where the flowers come out of the mouth." "And he sets it on the table and says, "Here." "I've always hated this thing. "" "And he turns to Rodney and says, " Now it's yours. "" "No lie." "Yeah." "Mindy and Jack, they were never right for each other." "Oh, yuck!" "Look." "Some clown washed his bathroom rug in here." "You know, I've told Maurice to put up a sign." "This place is just gross." "Your clothes are dirtier when you leave." "My cousin Jennifer, she has her own washer and dryer." "Really?" "She's rich." "Has her own Land Cruiser too." "Ugh." "Ugh." "Look." "Cap Weinberger, Reagan" "They say the billions we poured into S. D. I. was well spent." "The Soviet Union went bust trying to keep up." "Yeah?" "I was talking to the guy who put in my cable." "He said that was the Reagan strategy all along." "Strategy?" "They lucked into it." "Pozner's right." "The Soviet Union was on the ropes anyway." "We put ourselves in a hole for nothing." "The brisket was really good." "What?" "Uh, uh, the brisket!" "Oh." "Wait." "Chickadees are pretty quiet at night." "I was just saying as how, uh" " The raisins in the brisket" " I thought that was a nice touch." "Thanks." "Yeah." "I hope it's not too inconvenient, me and Leonard staying overnight like this." "He says sometimes, you know, well, it takes a few days with a patient before a diagnosis can be made." "I don't mind." "Ed." "What is it?" "I thought I saw someone at the window." "Probably a Green Man." "Huh?" "Oh, you know, that old Athabascan thing." "How we explain weird stuff, like, why you can't find your car keys, and why the house makes funny noises at night." "Oh." "In my clan we call them stick men." "Mmm." "Frankly, I think it's too bad about Russia." "Not that they weren't a political sinkhole, but for our sake." "The cold war's over." "Isn't that good?" "Well, yes and no." "The Soviet Union gave us our raison d'être." "We were defenders of the free world." "Now we've lost our identity." "We're disenfranchised, in a state of anomie." "Shane." "Shane?" "Well, like in the movie, you know?" "Alan Ladd wants to put his guns away, but his real identity is a gunfighter, so it's inevitable." "By the end of the movie, he has to strap on his Colt again and shootJack Palance." "Yes." "Whoa." "What?" "I just got an idea about what might be wrong with Bonnie." "Maybe it's not my place." "Ed, I've got no monopoly on wisdom." "Please, tell us." "Okay." "See, you were studying to be a systems engineer, and then you dropped out." "But maybe that was your true identity." "Being an engineer, and what you were supposed to be doing." "And, well, the chickadees, they're just trying to tell you to go back to school." "Interesting." "Shelly?" "Hon?" "I am so mad at you." "Why?" "What-What did I do?" "You know perfectly well what you did." "You don't mean my little japes in class, do you?" "I have never been so embarrassed in my entire life." "Childbirth class." "Childbirth!" "You act like a total sleazoid." "I don't know, Shel." "I thought I kind of helped lighten up the mood a bit." "All you did, Holling, was totally gross everybody out." "I wouldn't have blamed Dr. Fleischman if he had expelled you right then and there." "That one young fellow seemed to appreciate my humor." "Well, then he's as big a hoser as you are." "God, Holling." "Here I am having a baby, the most truly sacred thing in the universe, and you act like you're at some batch party kegger." "Well, I guess you do have a point." "Why, Holling?" "You don't even laugh at potty jokes at the bar." "I don't know, Shel." "I truly don't." "It just kind of popped out." "Then it popped out again." "It was like somebody else was speaking." "I'm sorry, Shel." "I am." "I won't let it happen again." "You better not." "I promise." "Shel?" "Well." "Hi." "Hi." "I wanted you to have this, as a way of saying thanks." "Oh." "Let me help you with that." "Sorry." "It's kind of awkward." "Well, you must be feeling better." "Yeah." "I sent away for reenrollment forms, and the sound of the chickadees stopped bothering me." "Wow." "I mean, maybe I was right." "You were." "I'm sure you were." "Oh." "Ifigured you probably had mostly hardwood floors, and canisters are better for that." "Really?" "This is top of the line." "All-metal construction, 4.5 horsepower." "Pick up a grapefruit." "Thanks." "All I have now is a broom." "Well, I guess I better get going." "Oh, right." "I'll walk you out." "You know, Ed, I was thinking." "If you're not too busy with your shaman training, maybe you'd like to get together." "Get together?" "Well, it's not too cold yet." "We could still go on a picnic." "You want to go on a picnic with me?" "If you want to." "What?" "Oh, nothing." "Uh, I guess a picnic would be good." "Tomorrow?" "Tomorrow?" "Okay." "Well, great." "You bring the sodas, and I'll bring the food." "Okay." "Well, I have to tell you, Chris, I felt a little self-conscious getting these." "I mean, technically, I don't need to own my own washer and dryer." "Then I thought, why am I being so provincial?" "It's no big luxury." "I grew up with a washer and dryer." "In Grosse Pointe?" "Mmm." "It smells new, like a new car." "Look, and it's so shiny." "It makes me feel, uh, elegant." "That's the self-affirming power of a new toy." "That's the life-support system of the whole capitalist animal." "Huh?" "I mean, when you think about it, the whole material gratification angle... is just the tip of the iceberg." "These babies here embody the whole woof and warp of human development." "A washer and dryer?" "Ever since the Pleistocene era, Homo erectus has been flocking it down to the local creek to beat their fur Skivvies against rocks, right?" "Well, what's a Laundromat except the same old creek, but with a cheap tin roof over it, huh?" "Yeah?" "So?" "But this." "This is progress." "I mean, these two iron boxes" " We've gone from communal suds to private spin cycle." "We're on our total blitzkrieg towards isolation." "You think?" "Listen to me." "The day's coming- and it ain't gonna be long- when you ain't even gonna have to leave your living room." "No more schools, no more bodegas, no more tabernacles, no more Cineplexes." "All right?" "You're gonna snuggle up to your fiber optics, baby, and bliss out." "Good morning, Dr. Fleischman." "Ed." "Hematologic Review?" "Uh-huh." "Looks good." "Blood is important." "Yeah, uh, it helps." "Yeah." "Something that you want?" "Do you find that patients tend to fall in love with their doctors a lot?" "Well, there is a rumor that, uh, they tantalize you with in medical school... that women find godlike young men in white coats irresistible and blindly throw themselves at them." "But, I mean, I personally have never experienced it." "Why?" "Well, I think it's happening to me." "What's happening to you?" "A patient's falling in love with me." "Whoa, whoa." "Let's just get real here." "I mean, you're not a doctor." "As far as I understand, you're not even, uh, what you call a healer." "Yeah." "But I really can't find any other reason to explain why Bonnie's being so nice to me." "She came over to my place, brought me a gift, asked me out." "Really?" "She asked you out?" "Like on a date?" "Picnic." "Well, nothing like that ever happens to me." "Although, one time I was doing this E. R. rotation, this gorgeous woman came in." "She was, like, an ad exec." "She had been at some party and had some drinks." "She took some ephedrine by mistake." "She thought it was Tylenol." "Now, this woman definitely came on to me." "I mean, she had my shirt off" "But, you know, it was drug-induced." "She didn't know what she was doing." "Well, the thing is, given my position, it just doesn't seem right." "And then I spent a summer working at the city ballet patching feet." "All these ballerinas." "Out of the whole corps de ballet, not one evinced the slightest interest in me." "Yes, but what about the doctor-patient relationship?" "Ed, I mean, there's no moral or ethical problem here." "You're a civilian." "The restrictions don't apply." "The only reason Bonnie likes me is because I've healed her." "It's the mystique of our profession." "A word of advice?" "Please." "So what?" "Okay." "Keep the rubbing motion steady and rhythmic." "Coaches, don't make the mistake of changing the direction of the rub in the middle of a contraction." "No jerky or uneven movements." "Gentlemen, is there something you'd like to share with the rest of the class?" "Now, besides the backache, there is another discomfort... that the birth partner can help alleviate with massage." "Now, coaches, why don't you sit back, and, mothers, sit with your backs into their laps." "Occasionally, the woman will feel an ache in her front... in the round ligaments that attach the uterus to the pelvic floor." "Pelvic floor" " Notions, sportswear and ladies' lingerie." "You know, Holling, I like a joke as much as the next person, but why don't we wait till after class, huh?" "Sorry, Joel." "It won't happen again." "Please, go on." "Now, like the backache, the round ligament ache starts at the beginning of a contraction." "It gets stronger as the contraction does, and then diminishes as the contraction goes away." "Okay, coaches, why don't you put your hands on the opposite sides of your partner's abdomen." "Remember that the laboring mother is not necessarily going to want you... to rub as hard on her tummy as she would on her back, okay?" "You have to find the exact degree of pressure she desires and exactly where she wants you to rub." " Heck, Joel, if we didn't know that, we wouldn't be in this mess." "God, Phil!" "What?" "That's it." "That's it." "You are out of here, Holling." "Get out!" " Shel, I" " You heard me!" "Go!" "Move it!" "Now!" "I've actually wanted to be an engineer as long as I can remember." "Uncle Arnie tells this story- I don't know if it's true or not- but when I was six years old, I was over at his house." "He'd just taken apart a rug shampooer." "He went to make himself a cup of tea." "And when he came back, I'd put the fan assembly back together." "Hmm." "Take some chicken." "Uh, Bonnie?" "Yeah?" "I'd like to talk about us, if you don't mind." "Sure." "Um, I get the impression you like me." "I do." "It's not gonna work out." "What?" "The feelings you're having for me- well, they're not real." "You're attracted to the shaman, not the man." "I don't think so." "I cured you, Bonnie." "You thought you were gonna have to wear ear mufflers for the rest of your life." "What you're feeling is more gratitude." "No, it isn't." "Trust me, Bonnie." "You're an attractive, intelligent person." "And outside of me being a healer, well, there's just not much you could see in me." "I don't understand what you're talking about." "You have lots of good qualities." "I know you want to think that." "Ed, you're not inside my head." "Don't tell me what I'm thinking." "What about you?" "I mean," "I had the impression you liked me too." "Well, don't you?" "Of course, I think you're very nice." "But I really can't see anything beyond a professional relationship." "Oh." "Well, I'm glad we got that all straightened out." "The chicken looks really good." "Can I serve you some?" "I'm not hungry." "Uh, Bonnie?" "Back when you had Rudy and Matt, they didn't know diddly about birthing babies." "Since you're gonna be my coach, you gotta learn all these dealies about relaxation, effacement, preeclampsia." "I" " I don't think this is a good idea, Shelly." "What do you mean?" "Well, I've never felt that affinity for childbirth, even when I was having my own kids." "It's a painful, exhausting business." "And my hands aren't as strong as they used to be." "Ruth-Anne, all you gotta do is apply yourself." "Cross my heart, you are gonna make a totally kick-ass coach." "For sure you'll make a better coach than my so-called husband." "Well, I'll try." "Great." "Next class, we're gonna practice the full squat." "Hello, Ed." "Ed." "Maurice." "You know, now I know just how Jon Voight felt when he smashed his fist into that wall." "Beg your pardon?" "In The Champ, right after he tells little Ricky Schroder that he doesn't love him anymore." "He smashes his fist right into that cinder block wall, he feels so bad about it." "Yeah, I saw that piece of tripe." "Couldn't hold a candle to the original." "Jackie Cooper, Wallace Beery" "Now, that Beery, you could believe he was an ex-pug." "The thing is, Champ thought he was doing what was best for the kid- sending him away, ignoring his tears." "He didn't want the kid to turn out to be like him." "He wanted the kid to be somebody." "Hey, what do you have to do to get a cup of coffee around here?" "Don't you think he did the right thing, Maurice?" "You mean lying to his kid?" "Breaking his heart so he'd go live with his mother?" "Absolutely not." "If he was half a man, he would have quit drinking, quit playing cards, gotten a job and supported his son." "Oh, the man was a champ all right." "A champ of weaklings." "A champ of cowards." "Oh." "I know what you're thinking, Dave." "I must be upset because Shelly's picked a new birthing partner." "Yeah." "Well, maybe it's all for the best." "You know, the day I was born, my father went off fishing." "He had no intention of being anywhere near the blessed event." "No?" "And who can blame him?" "Who can blame any man?" "Where I come from, this isn't a fit subject for mixed company." "Vaginal this and vaginal that." "I tell you, I don't think a man has any business being in there." "Hello." "Hi, Ruth-Anne." "It's Maggie." "Oh, hello, dear." "Hey, how are you?" " Fine." " Well, I know that today is normally the day that you do your laundry." "And, um, I just won't be able to see you there because I'm doing my laundry at home." "I guess you know I got a washer and dryer?" "Uh-huh." "Excuse me, the expiration date on these peas is over a month old." "Uh, hold on." "What?" "They're kind of too old to sell." "Well, then don't buy them." "Sorry." "No, no." "No problem." "I just kind of called to chat." "Ah." "The thing is, I really need frozen peas." "Um." "Just a sec." "Go get another package." "It's all you got." "Well, what do you want me to do?" "Okay." "I guess I'll get some corn." "What were you saying?" "Well, I was just wondering, have you heard about Mindy Hedstrom?" "She and Jack broke up, and I don't know" "Hello, Ruth-Anne." "Hi, Walt." " What?" " Mindy." "Mindy." "Have you seen Mindy since she split with Jack?" "I heard that she and Rodney may be moving to Sleetmute." "Um, just a second." "Uh, what- what do you need, Walt?" "I bought a medium." "I really need a large." "Uh-huh." "I'm sorry." "Do you have any without butter sauce?" "Maggie, it's kind of hectic here." "Could I call you back?" "Oh, yeah." "Sure, sure." "Listen, it- it wasn't important." "I" " I-Yeah." "Yeah, I'll talk to you later." "All right." "Bye, dear." "Bye." "There you are." "Oh, afternoon, miss." "You remember me?" "Sure do." "You're that young fella's bride." "Phil, right." "Well, I just wanted to say thanks a whole heap." "How's that?" "Phil dropped out of birth class." "And if he books on me, it's your fault." "He didn't want this baby in the first place, but I thought he was finally getting cool about it." "Now he's, like, acting all weird again." "Last couple of days, he's out all night with his buds." "Skipped my prenatal." "Said he had to adjust the timing on the Trans Am." "And then I find this in with his stash." "An application for the Coast Guard." "Uh, what's this all got to do with me?" "I spent all this time telling Phil how major it is for families to stick together and for his kid to have a daddy and all that." "And then you come along." "I mean, how's Phil supposed to think it's important when you make it into a big stupid joke?" "Phil starts thinking having a baby is a goof, something he can just blow off." "It" " It's, like, my problem." "You think because of me your husband might abandon you?" "He's not my husband." "We're engaged." "Listen, miss, I am very sorry." " I had no intention of causing anyone any trouble." "You're a grown man!" "You're supposed to set a good example." "Yoo-hoo, Marilyn!" "Hi!" "How are you?" "Good." "So, did you hear I got a washer and dryer?" "Uh-huh." "Let me tell you, I don't know how I lived without it." "'Cause, you know-you know how Maurice's machines, the fabric softener dispenser always gunked up with old soap?" "Well, not anymore." "I don't have to look at that again." "And the freedom." "Day or night- I can do my laundry whenever I want." "Oh, that's nice." "Yeah." "Of course, it was agitating a little weird today." "Of course, that could have been my imagination." "Anyway, I was wondering if maybe you'd like to come over and run a wash." "You want me to wash my clothes at your house?" "Yeah." "Why not?" "The machines are just sitting there, and I've got a strudel in the freezer." "I could ask Chris and some other people too." "Uh, no, thanks." "No?" "Why not?" "I like the magazines at the Laundromat." "Oh, come on, Marilyn." "Those are year-old Field  Streams." "It smells good in there too." "No, it doesn't." "It smells like bleach and detergent." "Um, it's convenient." "It's close to the office." "Oh." "Well, all right." "See you later." "Bye." "Bull's-eye!" "You should've heard yourself." ""Aside from being a shaman, I don't think there's much you could see in me. "" "Who are you?" "Who am I?" "That's good, Ed." "That's really good." "Is there some kind of carnival?" "Ed, come on." "Look at me." "I'm green." "I'm short." "I have a great sense of humor." "Any clues there, huh?" "You're a Green Man." "No, I'm a divot from the 16th tee at Pebble Beach." "You're some kind of evil spirit, aren't you?" "Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed." "I'm your pal, your buddy, your chum." "And I gotta say, you know, I like that jacket." "I gotta go." "Wait, wait, wait, wait." "Hey, hey, hey." "Hey, Ed." "Ed, realize something." "We're in this together for the long haul, you and me." "Two clams in the sea, two bugs in a rug." "Ed, you got to slow down." "Have a little consideration for my size." "What do you want?" "What do I want?" "To tell you the truth, I've always wanted to live by the sea." "Nothing fancy, a little modest three, four bedroom place, cedar deck out back." "I'm going home." "Wait." "Ed." "Ed, hold on." "Hold on." "Ed." "Ed, hold on." "All right, all right." "True confessions." "True confessions." "What I really want is to completely incapacitate you with self-doubt, so that eventually, you won't have enough inner strength to get yourself out of a chair." "You with me, Ed?" "No." "I don't understand you." "Self-doubt." "I want to fill your life with fear, anxiety, misgivings- the whole nine-course dinner." "Speaking of which, how about fish sticks tonight?" "Why are you picking on me?" "Oh, you think I asked for this?" "You think I wouldn't rather be tracking caribou?" "Remember, you called me." "No, I don't think so." "Oh, Ed." "You know I hate it when we argue." "Oh, geez, I just remembered." "I got to go to the airport and pick up my cousin." "He's a troll." "He lives right outside of Leipzig." "I haven't seen him since the wall came down." "Well, hey, I'll catch up with you." "Keep dinner warm for me, all right?" "Take it easy, pal." "Excuse me, Phil." "Oh, hey, man." "Might I have a word?" "A word?" "I'll buy you a root beer." "Your fiancée, Lisa, came by to see me today." "And?" "She said you dropped out of birthing class." "Yeah." "Why did they lay that on us in the first place, huh?" "You're lucky, man." "Your lady gave you the boot." "Yeah, well," "I don't feel lucky." "Get out." "The way you were goofing on everything." "That, uh, pelvic floor, man - that went off." "I have to tell you, Phil, I'm not proud of my behavior." "I keep asking myself why." "What was it that compelled me to be so foul and malicious?" "I believe I know the answer." "Let me ask you, Phil." "Do you love Lisa?" "I guess." "Yeah, I think you do." "Just like I love Shelly." "And we hate to see them suffering pain." "We don't want to see them go through the agonies of childbirth." "It's getting late, man." "Phil." "Phil, there's something else." "Something far less noble." "Uh-oh." "Our fears about ourselves." "Our fears that in the midst of this awesome event, we might fail." "We might lose our nerve, and our women would find out that we're not the men we pretend to be." "I can't admit that to Shelly." "I can hardly admit it to myself." "So what do I do?" "I act the fool." "I play the class clown, make lewd remarks." "Some other man might simply run away from those fears." "He might abandon the woman he loves." "The thing we have to remember- In spite of our fears, we're their mates." "We made a pact with our loins." "We have to stand by our women, Phil." "Ed?" "Leonard." "Oh, Leonard." "What did you do to Bonnie Norell?" "Bonnie?" "Ever since she went out with you, she's been listless, uncommunicative." "Suddenly she becomes nauseated at the smell of scrub pine." "Oh." "She was doing so well." "What happened?" "All I did is tell her she couldn't possibly have any feelings for me." "Well, that she just liked me on account of I was a shaman in training." "Wait." "You mean, Bonnie told you she had feelings for you?" "Uh-huh." "And you told her that was impossible?" "Right." "Oh." "Maybe it's my fault." "Maybe I pushed you into this too soon." "Are you expecting company?" "A Green Man." "A Green Man?" "He said he was going to join me for dinner and the rest of my life." "Oh." "Now it all makes sense." "It does?" "Ed, have you ever heard of low self-esteem?" "That's what the Green Man is." "I know they've entered our mythology as something akin to gremlins, but they're really a manifestation of poor self-image" "Uh, a sense of, uh, inadequacy." "I'm not sure I follow you, Leonard." "You have a terrible self-image." "That's why you said those absurd, stupid things to Bonnie." "They have no relation to objective reality." "You're an eminently lovable person, Ed." "The truth is, you created this Green Man." "He's the embodiment of your own self-loathing." "I'll tell you something." "Ed, this is your demon." "My demon?" "Everyone who's chosen to be a shaman has a demon to fight, and yours is the worst of all." "Low self-esteem is the root cause of practically all the pain and misery in the world." "It's what drives war and torture and genocide." "It's what evil is." "Do you think Hitler liked himself?" "Or Cortés?" "We hate others because we hate ourselves." "You can't be a healer, Ed, as long as the Green Man owns you." "How do I get rid of him, Leonard?" "I'm afraid you can't, not entirely." "But you can keep him at bay." "And there's only one way to do that." "It's actually put very well in the Christian Gospel." "John 1: " Love casts out fear. "" "You have to learn to love yourself." "Good night, Ed." "You're probably gonna have to take it back and get me a refund, right?" "Uh-uh." "Uh-uh?" "No, just gotta replace your drive belt." "That's it?" "Yeah." "And the motor was running, right?" "It just wasn't agitating?" "Yeah." "Well, your drive belt broke." "It's simple." "It'll take me 10 minutes." "No way." "Mm-mmm." "Look, my father was in the car business for 35 years, and I know lemons." "Hey, I haven't even had this a week, and the drive belt breaks?" "It's just the beginning." "It's gonna be in and out of the shop the entire time I own it." "No, sir." "I think it should be taken back." "Taken back?" "I either want a new machine, or it should be thoroughly inspected and signed off by a factory service rep." "You want me to send this all the way back to the factory?" "Well, that's what I said, isn't it?" "That could take four or five months." "Well, I'll just have to make do, won't I?" "Okay, as the birthing partners continue their massage," "I want the mothers to practice their relaxation exercises... for the first stage of contractions." "Remember to breathe in a steady and an even rhythm." "Just concentrate on letting the tummy relax." "Think about it floating outward, away from your body, as you breathe in." "With each exhale, you just relax a little more." "Just try and let your whole body just sag and relax." "Thank you, Ruth-Anne." "I'll take over now." "Holling." "I promise I won't let you down, Shel." "You said that before." "I don't blame you for feeling the way you do, but it's different now." "Please, Shel." "Okay." "Whew." "Thank God." "Good-bye, everybody, and good luck." "Bye, Ruth-Anne." "Bye-bye." "Okay, back to our breathing exercises." "Coaches, continue the massage." "Mothers, just ease that tension out of your shoulders." "Just let it go right out of your hands." "Let go of any tension in your chest." "Just stay limp, loose." "Let your P. C. muscle relax completely." "Let your vaginal barrel be open." "Just let go, and sink into the floor." "Breathe at a nice, normal pace." "Just think of the uterus as a big bag of muscles... that's opening the door for your baby." "So I guess you heard Mindy's back with Jack." "Uh-uh." "Oh, yeah." "Rodney said he had to go to Allakaket to tag musk ox for a government migratory study." "Well, afterwards, Mindy found this little receipt to the Seaview Motel in Sitka." " Ends up he had a girlfriend down there." " Hmm." "Oh, yeah." "And he said, "Well, I would've told you, but I didn't think you were open-minded enough to accept it. "" "She said, " Damn right," and knocked out his two front teeth with a cellular phone." "Oh, no." "Maurice." "Maurice, look at this!" "Your machine shreds clothes, Maurice." "My slip is like a hula skirt." "There's nothing wrong with that machine." "Just punch " delicate. "" "No, it is the machine, Maurice." "I did hit delicate." "Sweetheart, if you don't like it, you might want to get yourself a number 10 washtub and scrub board." "Maggie?" "Yeah?" "It's good to have you back." "Thanks." "Where do you think you're going?" "Those for me?" "I don't want to talk to you." "Uh-oh." "This about last night?" "I'm sorry I stood you up." "Look, some old college friends came by." "We made sangria." "I lost track of time." "Look Ed, I'm only here for one reason" " To stop you from making a terrible mistake." "What do you mean?" "What could she possibly ever see in you?" "She comes from a good family." "She's going to college." "She's cultured." "Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed." "You're nothing but a poor, uneducated orphan." "You're totally beneath her." "And even if by some chance you did get together, it's doomed." "Sooner or later she'd grow to hate you." "Didn't you ever see the movie Blue Angel?" "Marlene Dietrich?" "Remember?" "EmilJannings plays this pathetic weakling who marries her." "Naturally, she grows to despise him." "And how does that end?" "He kills himself." "Uh-huh." "Ed, I'm sorry." "Somebody has to tell you the truth." "I just don't want you to get hurt." "You understand." "No." "I'm not going to listen to you." "What?" "What?" "What?" "Ed, wait." "Wait." "Ed, wait, don't do it." "Believe me, you'll only be humiliated." "Ed." "Oh, God, Ed, wait." "Please." "Ed." "Ed." "Ed, please." "What's gonna happen to me?" "What happens to me, Ed?" "Ed!" "Hi." "These are for you." "Thanks." "Bonnie?" "Yeah?" "There's something I'd like to explain to you." "Okay." "Come on in."