"Hi!" "Yeah." "Yes, you can help me." "You can stop sending me your catalogues." "Why?" "Because I'm dead." "Yeah." "Yes, that's right." "Judah Botwin is dead." "Type it in and quit sending your shit to a corpse!" "Lupita, you gotta throw out all the junk mail that comes for dad, okay?" "Okay, Silas." "Okay." "Good morning!" "I'm gonna be at Megan's tonight." "You're sure it's okay with her parents?" "Yeah." "Are you kidding?" "Megan's one of three girls." "Her dad loves having me over." "Does he know what you do with his daughter?" "Mom!" "He's really cool." "He's teaching me how to box." "Just want you to know I can kick your ass." "Here." "Serena gave me this to give to you from Alejandro." "Alejandro?" "Serena's cousin." "What you do?" "Nothing." "First he give you pennies, now he give you panties." "What you do?" "It must be some mistake, nothing." "Take it away." "Take it back." "Hey!" " The fuck are you doing?" " I just..." "Get the hell out of my room!" "You're late." "For what?" "Do I have a court date?" "The bakery." "Oh shit!" "Is that today?" "Kidding!" "Besides who cares?" "It's not even a real bakery." "It's a "fakery"." "Which will be more than obvious if no one shows up on the day that it opens." "Now go!" "You promised." "All right, let me choke down some java." "At what time are you gonna be there?" "I'm not sure." "I have to take Shane to school and... go by Heylia's, make a drop to Sanjay and..." "Shane, let's go!" "How did it go with Shane's shrink yesterday?" "The doctor wants to put him on anti-depressants." "Drugs are not the answer." "This from the king of all things mind-altering." "Illegal drugs not this prescription, antidepressants zombie shit." "That fries your brain." "Weed makes you hungry and happy and in your case financially solvent." "He bit a kid in the foot last week." "Oh God!" "I wish I'd been there!" "Andy, it's not funny." "He's 10 years old and his dad died." "Drugging him so he acts like everything's fine is totally fucked up." "When my ferret killed himself a few years ago, I took Celexa." "I gained 40 pounds, I couldn't ejaculate." "Is that what you want for your son?" "Fuck off!" "And anyway the doctor says that it's just temporary 'till his neurotransmitters realign themselves or some... shit like that." "See!" "Even you don't believe it!" "Trust me, those anti-depressants are evil." "He does not need them." "Mind your own business, maybe I wanna be on drugs." "Excuse me!" "Carrie Phillips started taking Zoloft so she wouldn't cut herself anymore... now she's in a band!" " Can she ejaculate?" " Andy!" "Okay." "Ignore the voice of reason." "Drug your child." "Let him wander through his youth like a robot." "Yeah, let me." "Come on, mom." "Say yes to drugs." "City council approved the sale of our golf course to Summer Canyon." "I gotta talk to Doug about this." "Why?" "My green's fee is coming up." "I'm getting cytotoxic chemicals pumped into my blood stream and you're worried about the price of putting." "Fuck Apprentice." "You see Survivor last night?" "With the guy who eat the chimel*?" "No, that's Fear Factor." "Survivor's on the island." "Guys!" "How about concentrating on this survivor for a minute?" "We won't be long." "Oh shit!" "My deposition." "Go." "I'll take a cab home." "I can't just leave you here." "I'll be fine." "I'll call and check up on you, okay?" "Okay." "So their reward was 3 crispy cream donuts." "Three fucking donuts!" "If I'm gonna sit in a tree in the jungle for 2 days straight with no food having to take a shit like an owl..." "Excuse me!" "I want a hell of a lot more than 3 crispy creams." "I want my own franchise." " I don't blame you." " Excuse me, sir!" "I won't be long." "Two days straight with no food." "Let's see them do that on Fear Factor." "Need cash for college?" "Get smart." "Learn about your options." "Financial aid awareness month." "It's not too late... apply now!" " Hey, boss!" " I was just about to leave." "Sorry." "I was cramming." "I lost track of time." "Wow!" "It is so good to see you." "What the hell are you doing?" "Oh shit!" "Sorry." "Sorry." "I'm just really, really baked." "And I think you're really, really pretty." "Baked?" "When did you start smoking?" "Right after I started selling." "Oh no!" "Sanjay, no!" "No." "It's a good thing!" "It's totally changed my life for the better." "Fuck!" "Hey!" "Forgive me!" "Can I help you, officer?" " The bag." " What?" "Give me your fucking bag." "Please, this was just a one-time thing." "Really?" "My surveillance tapes show something different." " Tapes?" " Tapes, pictures,..." "Shit!" "I've got a little dossier on the little Botwin." "Couple of kids." "Nice house in Agrestic." "How do you know this?" "I am head of campus security." "Suburban mom builds a cottage industry on my turf," "I'm not gonna know about it?" "Do you really think I am that bad at my job?" "Oh..." "Damn!" "Not just quantity but quality!" "Are you arresting me?" "I don't know." "I'm not an unreasonable man." "Young boys shouldn't grow up without a mom." "No." "My cousin Jesse grew up without a mother." "Wound up in the Internet with his dick in some granny's ass which is why" "I'm gonna cut you a break." "I will not take this any farther if you promise to never come back on this campus again." "Of course!" "I mean it!" "You and your dot-head cohort ever around here peddling," "I am not letting you off again." "Get out of here." "Can I have my stuff back?" " The bag." "Not my style." " Yeah..." "I meant my other stuff." "Please." "I promise I'll never come back here again." "That's... that's all I've got." "That's my mortgage payment." "Otherwise I can't pay my bills." "It's..." "It's everything I have." "Please." "I promise I'll never come back here again." "I'm..." "I'm begging you." "You've got 5 seconds to get the fuck off my campus." "Good afternoon, ladies." "I would like to start by thanking all of you..." " Sorry, I'm late!" " Celia." "Would you mind taking a sit?" "Why?" "Maggie's running the meeting." "Why?" "Because we need a reliable and healthy leader." "Oh." "As I was saying... it is a frill to finally lead the PTA." "As many of you know, back when Agrestic was just a golf course, my family was one of the first to settle this land." "So I will do my very best to make you proud." "Now..." "First order of business:" "there is a problem with the gym teacher." "He's been spotted working at the ladies shoe department at Nordstrom's on the weekend." "And we all know what that means, right?" "He can get us 10% off?" "That's not news." "I've known about it for years so..." "You knew?" "And did nothing?" "Well, there's nothing to do." "I disagree." "I don't think it's appropriate for our kids to learn wrestling from a gay... man." "He's gay." "He's not a pedophile." "There's a big difference, you know." "Thank you for your input, Celia." "But your time is up." "Now, ladies, should Nick Papanicoloplis be fired?" "Like hell my time is up!" "Now, next up." "What you doing back here?" "I'm so fucked!" "That $14,000 supply I just picked up..." "I need a refill." "You moved them bricks already?" "Girl, you flip this shit faster than a pooper-scooper." "I didn't move it." "I lost it." "Lost it?" "You got to Galson and leave them on a shelf next to the pop tarts?" "I got busted!" "Seriously?" "Yes!" "By some redneck head of campus security at Valley State." "Threw me in his car and let me off with a warning but he confiscated all my pot, everything I have, I'm... screwed." "You didn't get busted, you just got jacked." "What are you talking about?" "Did you go down at the police station?" "No." "Did you get fingerprinted?" "No." "Damn!" "Girl, you're as gullible as Kobe's wife." "You think a cop's gonna let a drug dealer go just on a warning?" "Even a pretty little white one like you?" "Are you sure?" "500 bucks say your rent-a-cop was a dealer himself, he just didn't like you dealing in his redneck part of the woods." " Motherfucking..." " Let it out." " ...cocksucking..." " That's right." "...son of a bitch hillbilly stalker asshole!" "That's right, baby." "Let it out, come on!" "Shit eating, dickless, granny fucking prick!" " There you go!" " Granny fucking?" "How am I gonna get my stuff back?" "Let me borrow a gun!" "He jacked your brain too?" "You have to just take your lumps on this one like everybody else." "You learned a $14,000 lesson." "Hello?" "What?" "Oh shit!" "Yeah." "No, I'll be right there." "Well..." "Looks like I'm not the only Botwin who got busted today." "You started a fire?" "It's no big deal!" "I'd hardly called arson not big deal." "You started a fire?" "As you hopefully know, it's diversity week and there have been several presentations including Moses and the Burning Bush which your son seemed to feel lacked authenticity." "Jesus!" "No, Moses." "And he was talking to a shrub painted red." "It was totally unrealistic." "Fortunately, it was dosed before it caused any injuries or damage." "Do you know how dangerous that is?" "Hardly at all." "The floor was concrete." "And from our fire drills, I knew that the sprinklers were right above." "And the hose was, like, inches away." "It was out in seconds." "While soaking and terrifying the presenters from Temple Beth Shalom." "You really frightened those nice Jews, young man." "I'm sorry." "Mrs. Botwin, I'm gonna have to confiscate the lighter." "And I'm suspending Shane until Monday." "Can I have drugs now?" "How i'm gonna deal with you?" " Easy, Paxil." " Enough, Shane." "Hey, look!" "Is it Silas?" "Silas!" "Oh shit!" "What is he doing in a Porsche with a stranger!" "Hey, mom!" "What are you doing?" "This is Megan's dad." "He's teaching me how to drive a stick!" "Hi, Megan's dad." "Howard." "Nice to meet you." " You too." " Later!" "Bye." "God bless Costco!" "Damn it!" "Hey, Nanc'!" "Just in time... to help me close up!" "Where the hell were you all day?" "How did it go?" "We made 17 bucks." "But who gives a shit, right?" "What the fuck is wrong with you?" "What the fuck is wrong with you?" "It's a phony bakery." "Andy, I just got ripped off so I am back to zero." "We are back to zero." "So we need to sell some fucking pastries pronto 'cause I need this phony business to work, okay?" "Lady, we're closed." "Good start!" "Right!" "Right." "Hey!" "Is Dean ready?" "No, he's in the shower." "Nice haircut." "It's a wig." "Oh, right, the cancer thing." "Listen, what do you know about the sale of the golf course to Summer Canyon?" "I already told Dean the deal is done." "We're looking at a $100 during the week." "$150 on weekends, carts included." "I don't care about golf." "I'm wondering if the houses on the golf course will still be a part of Agrestic." "No." "That's Summer Canyon's problem now." "Really?" "Yeah, why?" "Would you care?" " Probably not." " Thank you." "What?" "What's wrong?" "Nauseous." "Chemo." "That sucks." "You want some pot?" "That's illegal, Doug." "Not for you." "You can even get a medical card." " Really?" " Yeah." "Well, I have the pills for it, thank you." "Ooh!" "What did they give you?" " Zofran." " Let me try one!" "No, they're $300 a pill." "I'll give you 400." "They don't get you high!" "It's just for nausea." "Wow!" "$300 a pill and no fun?" "What a jip!" "I really like your wig." " Really?" " Yeah." "Can I pet it?" "Knock yourself out." "You're a good girl?" "You're a good girl, ain't you?" "Yes, you are." "Put them back." "At least, give it to the homeless." "This is Agrestic." "You're the only homeless in town." "Get in the kitchen, start baking like you promised." "Hey!" "Thanks for coming, buddy." "You gotta talk some sense into her." "She's totally delusional!" "Nanc', trust me." "A bakery is virtually impossible to run without drug money." "Let me tell you what Amos was really famous for." "What about Mrs. Fields?" " You mean Madame Fields?" " Big whore!" "Fuck you both." "In this town the only 12 people that still eat carbs buy their muffins at Starbuck's." "I don't care!" "I have bills to pay." "I'm doing this." "Hello." "I'm dry." "Find somebody else." "You're dry?" "You're dry?" "What do you mean you're dry?" "I wiped out." "Some campus cop at Valley State." "What?" "Okay, okay." "How do I find this guy?" "What are you gonna do?" "What do you think I'm gonna do?" "Buy your pot back!" "A hundred bucks at a time!" "I am not built for this." "I was gonna be a dancer, not a dealer." "Certainly not a baker." "And I wanted to be Patrick Swayze in Roadhouse!" "I will stab you." "Get out of my fakery." "I have work to do." "Okay, obviously you're not thinking clearly right now." "You're upset and you're edgy which is making me upset and edgy." "I'm aiming." "If you throw that, there'd better pot in there." " I need a smoke." " You got any in you?" " No." " Damn it!" "It's in my car." "Forgive me." "Your chivalry leaves a lot to be desired." "Who brings cookies to a bakery?" "I'm sorry." "How can I make it up to you?" "I will do anything." "Please, I..." "I might be a coward but..." "I love you." "God!" "Start baking!" "Good afternoon, ladies!" "First order of business is this..." "No, ladies." "First order of business is this." "Maggie... for you." "Oh my goodness!" "A welcome gift?" "Bon voyage present actually." "For you and your children." "Bon voyage?" "Where are we going?" " I hope it's Vegas." " Open it!" "Summer Canyon elementary school application." "I don't understand." "Since your house is on the golf course which is now part of Summer Canyon, your children can no longer attend Agrestic." "What?" "Yeah, out of district." "Oh but there is an upside." "Their gym teacher:" "straight as an arrow." "Now, since you actually have to have a child who attends Agrestic to be president of the PTA," "I believe the position is open again." "And I would like to reinstate myself." "God!" "I'm feeling so much better." "Excuse me while I play through." "All of those in favor of reinstating me say "I"." "I!" "I object!" "Yeah, well, take it up with Summer Canyon." "Thank you for your input!" "Hello!" "Welcome to Breadsticks and Scones!" "What's the matter?" "You don't like my gift?" "I told you to stay away from me." "Who is this guy, Nancy?" "You want me to kick his ass?" "Okay." "I gave up 15 hits last night." "I beamed 4 batters." "And when they charged the mound, the only thing I could think about was you." "Sir, if you're not gonna order anything, I'm gonna have to ask you to..." "Forgive me!" "You think I'm gonna be your girlfriend?" "Girlfriend?" "Is this high school?" "We do business together." "Occasionally, we... celebrate our success." "Go away." "Look, I'm gonna change your mind." "You're gonna need me." " For what?" " A lot of things." "I can help you put up more territories." "I got connections with domestics who're ready to redistribute." "And most of all I can protect you." "What do you need me for?" "The business has changed, I can't push my ditch weed anymore." " I need your quality supply." " I don't have a supply." "I got jacked by some campus cop at Valley State yesterday." "Then you're gonna need my protection a lot more than you think." "Hey!" "Oh!" "I hope I don't lose my sex drive." "Enough!" "Don't need no pills!" " Hey, Lupita!" " What?" "You haven't seen the lighter that was in my drawer, have you?" "No." "It's kinda in the principal's office." " Where?" " At my school." "He confiscated it." "You fucking idiot." "You're an idiot!" "Fuck you!" "That was dad's!" "He gave it to me." "What's wrong with you?" "Lupita, get some ice." "Oh my God!" "Goddamn it, Silas!" "Don't panic!" "I'm not gonna hurt you." "Get the fuck away!" "Get the fuck away from my house!" "Wait, wait, here." "This is yours." "And I want to apologize for the other day, Mrs. Botwin." "I didn't realize who you were." "I mean I knew who you were, I just didn't know... who you were." "And if you need any protection on campus or more connections," "I'm your man." "Whatever you need, just ask for me." "I'm Cash." "That's me." "I need you to get away from my house." "Right." "Okay." "And again, I am so sorry."