"Subtitles by demonseye" "Very unnecessary." "Let me hear those trumpets." "That's not a trumpet." "That's not a trumpet." "That's... that's a trumpet." "Let me hear my symphony!" "What a band!" "I'm walkin' down the street..." "I'm walkin' down the street..." "Tell me, Mr. James, now, just what did you accomplish?" "That note was given to me by Bing Crosby." "And was he glad to get rid of it!" "Boys..." "Time to get up." "Come on." "It's Saturday mornin'." "We've got to get going." " Where are we goin'?" " We're going to see my uncle Joe." "What?" "I don't wanna go to uncle Joe's!" " Come here!" " I don't wanna go!" "No, I wanna watch my cartoons!" "It's Saturday!" "You can't make us, you can't make us!" "We don't wanna go to uncle Joe's!" " Stop it!" "Stop it!" " No, we don't wanna go!" "We don't wanna go!" "We don't wanna go!" "We'll be good, we promise!" "We'll eat anything." "We'll clean our room." "But no uncle Joe." "Now, come on." "We don't have time for this." " Leave us alone!" " Come on, now, you wouldn't hurt daddy." " It's still pretty early, Carl." " I wanna get there first." "If we don't get there first, whoever does get here first talks about you before you get there until there's no point you even being there." "Which reminds me." "Try to bring up my cousin Tina's drinking." " She's your cousin." " You're better at, more subtle." "Carl and Nora McTeague." "Welcome to hell." " Are we first, Douglas?" " Indeed, sir." "No one else had the presence of mind to be three hours early." "May I take your bird, madam?" "No, thank you, Douglas, we'll give it to him ourselves." "Would you care to wait in the drawing room?" "Thank you." " There was another car out front." "Who, uh...?" " Dr. Hemmel is with your uncle." "Oh?" "Anything wrong?" "Your uncle had some congestion and he was coughing most of the night, sir." "What kind of cough?" "Was it dry or-or, you know, liquidy?" "I mean..." "It was just a cough, sir." "Next time I'll save you a sample." "He'll really like the bird, I think." " It cost us 400 dollars, Carl." " You have to spend money to make money." " Oh, my heavens!" " Yolanda, what's wrong?" "He's dead!" "One minute the doctor was examine him and he say he was fine, and then..." " He's dead." " Come quickly, please!" "Yes!" " Are we rich?" " Shh!" "Maybe." "Oh, my God." "Yolanda, go clean something." "Stop that!" "It's dr." "Hemmel!" "Of course it's dr." "Hemmel." "He used to brag to me how he got up every morning at 5 a.m. to play racketball at 71 years old." "You don't hear him bragging' now." "Truth be known, uncle Joe, we are so relieved." "When Yolanda came in there screaming, we thought that, uh..." "Well, all I can say is... we're glad you're still with us, uncle Joe." " You look thrilled." " Oh, we are." "Especially the boys." "Joe and Joe." "And look, uncle Joe, another little Joe in the oven." "Here's a doctor's note to prove it." " You look nice, Nora." " Thanks, uncle Joe." "So do you." " Why don't we just cut the cable?" " It's too thick." "Come on." " Did you hear what he said?" " What?" "He said you looked nice." " I think that's a good sign, don't you?" " Oh, I don't know what to think anymore." "Carl, I want a girl, honey." "All right." "I swear, after he's dead, we'll have a girl, I promise." "Okay?" "Uncle Joe?" "Wanted to tell you about something." "You should see how Big Joe...our Big Joe, what a head for business he has already... just nine years old..." "He organized this lawn-mowing company with the other fourth-graders." "He's preparing himself in case he has to take over a... big business someday." " So you're interested in money, huh?" " Uh-huh." "Made ten bucks just comin' here." "I get another 20 if I kiss you." "I'm thinkin' about it." "All right." "That's it." " Carl..." "Carl, what happened?" "Is he...?" " Massive coronary." "He died instantly." " Really?" "You mean just...?" " And he left everything to you, sis." "Really?" "No, it wasn't even him." "It was dr." "Hemmel." "You son of a bitch." "Ooh, you really wish it was the old man in the ambulance, don't you?" "I did before, but now I wish it was you." " How are your girls, Ed?" " That's right, we have girls." "You know why?" "Because we weren't cynical and cold-blooded enough to put Ed's sperm in a centrifuge and spin it around to separate the X's from the Y's!" "Excuse me, brother, but no matter how much uncle Joe is worth, there is a line below which we will not go." "Jolene?" "Joette?" "Let's go in, girls." " We saw an ambulance!" " Dr. Hemmel died." "Ah..." "Dennis..." "Why don't you go and sit at the kids' table?" "Make me." "What's the matter with you?" "Are you retarded?" " Not according to the tests." " You just sit here and shut up." " Yolanda!" " It's all over the place!" "He has a cold, uncle Joe." "He didn't want you to get sick." "Ed, one of your girls knocked over some milk." "Well, uncle Joe, I guess you'll have to find a new doctor." "Oh, what for?" "Doctors, medicine..." "Who needs 'em, huh, uncle Joe?" "You know who you should talk to about this?" "Glen." "This man keeps himself in shape." "It's discipline." "I exercise for a couple of weeks, that's it." "I can't stick with it." "I really admire you, Glen." "Well, you know..." "Were you able to fit all your exercise equipment into your new apartment?" "Frank!" " What new apartment?" " Oh, didn't you hear?" "Glen and Muriel are separa..." "You were keeeping that a secret." "Oh, my God, I feel horrible." " I could cut out my tongue." " Here's a knife." " No, really, I'm..." " You split up?" "No." " No!" " No!" " Then why...?" " It's, uh..." "You know I'm tryin' to start that new business, right?" "Well, it takes a lot o' time and energy, and when I'm with, uh, J..." "Muriel, I just, I..." "I am so crazy about her that all I can think about is..." " You know..." " Yeah." "So, I thought I'd move out for a while and I would then... be able to get some work done." "Anyway, Glen, it's nobody's business what you two do." "I mean, you have no kids." "You're both barren." "Frank, I almost forgot to ask you." "How is Tina's hit-and-run case comin'?" " Hit-and-run case?" " Yeah." "You remember, Tina, the night that you got drunk and ploughed into that school bus?" "Ploughed?" "She just scraped some paint off it." "The brakes failed." "Everyone was fine." "The kids, the nuns..." "I just thank God she was in a good safe car." "Not one of those tiny little sports cars like your girlfriend drives." "That's it." " They're death traps." " What are you talking about?" "His girlfriend... drives a Chrysler." "Big blue Crysler, right, buddy?" "She's not my girlfriend!" "She's an instructor at the gym." "I really..." "I met..." "I left my gym bag at the gym, that's what, and I-I would..." "and she was bringin' it back to me." "I guess you have a lot o' time to notice these things, Ed, now that you're not working." "What happened?" " Nothing." " Nothing." " Nothing." " Nothing." "There was just a little, um, a cutback at Ed's place and they let go of some of the employees, um, that were  stealing company secrets and selling them to competitors." "Pass the butter, please." "That's a lie and I'll prove it in court!" " This Friday, right?" " We got a continuance." "The court dockets were too filled with drunk-driving cases." "I skidded on a wet spot!" " Somebody get her a drink." " A drink?" "Somebody get her a barrel." "Please, everyone." "Why must this happen every time we get together?" "Can't this man have some peace?" "Hasn't he earned it?" "Delivering newspapers when he was four years old, his little toes frozen because he didn't have any shoes." "Carl, it's all right." "No, it's not all right." "It's like we've lost our sense of values." "Maybe it's not mine to say, but..." "Nora and I..." "Come up here, sweetie... and Joseph and Jonas and little Josiah on the way... we lead a simple life." "We have each other, and I ask you, what the heck else is there?" "Joe-Joe, I'm just going to the market." "Oh!" "Molly!" "Come 'ere." "These are my nieces and nephews." "Everyone... this is Molly." " Hi!" " Hi." "Douglas said you wanted to see me." "Would you mind going to the market?" "We're out of Oreos." "Well, we wouldn't be out of Oreos, would we, if somebody hadn't sucked out all the insides and tossed the rest away, you naughty boy." "I'm old and I'm rich." "I'll eat whatever parts I want." " If I want to eat the goddamn box, I'll the goddamn box." " Whoo!" "And who wound you up today?" " Better give me some money, then." " Here." "Take an extra hundred." "You might see something you want." "You are such a dear." " I'll see you later." " Bye." "Toodles!" "These are good melons." "Yeah." "Sweet... juicy." " Uncle Joe?" " Mm?" " Who...?" " Mm?" " Who...?" " Oh, that's Molly." "She's living here." "Housekeeper?" "Secretary?" "Well, not exactly." "She's sort of, uh... my nurse." " Nurse?" " Yeah." "I decided I wanted a nurse." "Someone to ease my suffering." "An agency sent her?" "No, she came and delivered a pizza one night and... well, we got to talking." "Turns out she'd like to be a nurse, so..." "Yeah, she helps out in... various ways." "She's become very special to me." "Yeah!" "Thank you, Fred." "Hello, everyone." "I'm Chris Schenkel." "Thank you." "Thank you very much." "On behalf of the Pro Bowlers Tour, we'd like to thank all the good people of Milwaukee for their support of the tour." "The top five qualifiers tomorrow will begin play at 2.30." "Shit." "You do this every time!" "You ruin every vacation we've ever been on!" "Shut up!" "It's always the same, "Let's just drive a little further"." "A little further..." "Then there's no place to stay and we wind up in a shithole like this!" "This is...this is unbelievable." "Everywhere I stay, I'm next to this couple." "I mean, you know, not literally them, but-but people just like them." " It's like a franchise." "They're..." " You made my life a living hell!" " Kiss my ass!" " That would take all night!" "Oh, God." "You know, this is really stupid." "ABC gives me a suite at the Marriott and we're at the Bates Motel." "Let's get outta here." "Honey, look, you know I get embarrassed at your hotel." "Everyone always says "How's a schlep like McTeague afford a room at the Marriott?"" ""Oh, don't you know?" "He sleeps with Robin Hunter, the producer of the telecast."" ""Really?" "He must screw better than he bowls."" "I do, don't I?" "I can't take it, Robin." "I can't do it any more." "What?" " I'm givin' up bowling." " Why?" "My wrist." "It's a pre-arthritic condition and it's not gonna get better." " You saw a doctor?" " No, Al the janitor at the bowling alley examined it." "He, uh, seemed to know what he was talkin' about and he took me right away." "Course I saw a doctor!" "I don't know." "Next week in Cincinnati's the last tournament of the season." "I'm just gonna bowl there and... that's it." "Sweetheart." "I'm sorry." "I just wish for once..." "I could've finished in the top five, gotten on the national telecast just once." "That would have been nice." " What are you gonna do?" " Well..." "Some guys... offered to make me a partner in this huge new bowling center in Mount Allen." "They offered me 25% interest for a 10% investment, cause, you know, I-I'd run it." "It's a good deal." " It's great." " Only I don't have the cash." " They want 300,000." " Phew!" "So, then I thought, you know..." "maybe I'd be happy teaching." "Yeah?" "Only then... you'd always make more money than me." "Who cares about crap like that?" "If you're happy being a teacher, then that makes me happy." "That's it." "That's all there is." "Her name is Molly Richardson." "She's 24 years old." "She's English." "She came over here two years ago as a nanny for a couple named Holcomb." "Mrs. Holcomb eventually fired her, and when she left," "Mr. Holcomb attempted to kill himself." " Oh..." " God." "Miss Richardson then bounced from job to job, bikini model, physical therapist..." " We're dead." " ... until she got a job delivering pizzas." "It pays to have skills." "She moved in with your uncle Joe about three weeks ago and she's been there ever since." "As a nurse?" "Well, she seems to spend most of her time swimming." " In the nude." "Here are some pictures." " What?" " Oh..." " Oh, my God!" " Are they having sex?" " Grow up, Muriel." "What do you think?" "She's gonna get everything." "That's the way these old guys are." "Toughest nails, biggest son of a bitch in the world." "She touches his shriveled up little noodle and his brains turn to frozen yoghurt." "You would know." "She'll marry him, screw him six feet into the ground and then get everything." "Oh, that's our money, damn it, and no English little bitch is gonna screw us out of it." "Do we know if they're sleeping together?" "Is there proof?" " Well, I need more time." " They're humping too quick to get pictures?" " Let's get a better detective." " Yeah." "How do we know if you're any good?" "She was good enough to find out you were fired and that Glen left Muriel." "That's pretty good." "Listen, my guy knew about Tina's accident while the car was still spinning." "Oh, yeah?" "Look at these pictures she got o' Glen and that gym instructor." "Yeah." "That's not me." "Well, it looks like you and that's all that matters." " Use your gun!" " Glen, cut it out!" "Come here!" "Stop it." "Stop it!" "Don't you see what's happening here?" "Yeah, you're out of scotch." "Oh, Tina, go lie down." "We caused this." "All the backbiting and the greed and the detectives." "It made each other look filthy." "Now it's come home to roost." "Cause not one of us has the credibility to go to uncle Joe and convince him that this girl is just after his money." "It's not our fault!" "It's his." "Sweet old uncle Joe." "I mean, we were all decent human beings till he got his hooks into us." "Except for Frank." "Frank was always a son of a bitch." "It's true." "Uncle Joe does this to us." "He pulls our strings and makes us dance." "He's the devil." "Every time you draw a line in the dirt and say "Okay, uncle, just this far and no farther", he draws another line just an inch farther and you say "Why not?"" ""I mean, it's just another inch." "I've..." "I've already come this far already."" "Then, one day, you look back and you can't even see where you started." "Well, why don't we all agree to stop here?" "Let this bimbo have his money." "I mean, isn't our self-respect worth more than any inheritance?" "No." "Ed, we're just people." "Nobody could walk away from that much money." "Daniel did." "Who's Daniel?" " Our cousin." " What happened to him?" "He called uncle Joe a mean, greedy, cruel, grasping, evil, manipulative old man." " We all did." " The difference is Daniel said it to his face." "Grapes." " What?" " Grapes." "They were having grapes." "And Daniel started screaming about how the migrant workers were oppressed and we should need grapes." "So uncle Joe told 'im the migrant workers could go screw themselves in Macy's window and Daniel let 'im have it." "I'll never forget that night." "Do you remember the look on the old man's face?" "He died a little that night." "Daniel went away." "He just... went away." "Took his wife and son and..." "Oh, man, did we hate his son." " How come?" " Oh, he was so cute, you know?" "You just wanted to smash his little face in." " Where is he now?" " Oh, Daniel is in Brazil or somewhere, tryin' to save the rainforest or some shit like that." "His wife died a couple o' years ago, and young Daniel..." "I think he's some kind of athlete." " A bowler, I think." " Could we find 'im?" "Excuse me." "Wayne, Wayne, Wayne." "Come 'ere." "What's happening?" "I've never seen him bowling' like this." "He's in the zone." " Where-where does he stand?" "What's...?" " Right now, fifth." "Fifth?" "You mean he could make the finals, he could be on TV tomorrow?" "Looks that way." " Yeah." " I am on fire!" " You're fifth." " I know!" "Danny, if I tell you something, will it make you nervous?" " No way." "I'm in the zone." " Okay." "Okay, then." "If you get on the telecast tomorrow, I can turn it into an enormous break for you." "I can build a whole show around you." ""Cinderella Man"." "Even if you lose the first match, we can still build it up." "Chris will interview you, you'll be funny, you'll be charming..." "Next year you could be wearing an ABC blazer." "Ooh, I got a chubby." "Danny, you gotta get on telecaster, you gotta finish no worse than fifth." "I'm in the zone." "I'm up." "Come on, Danny!" "Ha!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Oh!" " Come on!" " What's he doing?" " Danny!" " It's nothing." "I just lost my line a little bit." " Uh, Danny, Petraglia just finished with a 289." " What?" "So?" "So?" "So, you're still okay." "You're still fifth, but it's close." " All right." "So what do I need?" " Okay, last frame." " You need a mark and a three count." " Strike or a spare?" " And a three count." " Okay, I got it." "I got it." "It's okay." "Get 'em, Danny." "He seem nervous to you?" "You couldn't pull a pin out of his ass with a tractor." "Oh!" "When they lose this long, they don't know how to win." "Come on, Danny!" "Yeah!" "Damn, baby!" "That's what I'm talking about!" "All right." "All right." "Just three more pins." " Yeah, yeah." "I'll be..." " Danny." "I'll be right back." "Then we'll celebrate." "Oh, my God!" "Aw!" "Feeling better?" " I'm going out to get some more liquor." " I don't think that's a good idea." "Really?" "I think it's a great idea." "You're in your underwear!" "What, now you're tellin' me I can't go out in my underwear?" " Danny..." " What?" "!" "Just because you're very successful and I'm a miserable failure, you think you can tell me what to do?" "Well, let me tell you something, Miss High-Powered Network Big Shot" "Don't I Look Hot In My ABC Blazer career woman, I am still a man!" "And if I wanna go out in my underwear, I am going out in my underwear!" "If I wanna go out with no underwear, I'm going out with no underwear." " You got that?" " Go ahead." "Okay." "Now I guess we know who's boss, huh?" " Honey, I think you need a doctor." " Why don't you just say it?" " Say what?" " You know. "Danny, you blew it."" ""You choked." "You gagged." "You had it and you lost it!"" ""It was your wrist, Danny." "You just never had the guts to win!"" " What a shitty thing to say!" " I didn't say it." " You're thinkin' it." " Well, yeah, I'm thinking it!" "You hit a car." "You could've killed somebody." "The way I bowl?" "You know..." "I never regretted a moment..." "until tonight." "All those years of losing..." "This was the first time I've felt like a loser." "Come 'ere." "Come on." "Okay." "Aw, great." "Now I'm impotent." "We just kissed for two seconds." "No, that never takes me this long." "Usually we're showering by now." "Oh." "That's probably the manager." "Who are you?" " Daniel McTeague?" " No shit." "That's my name, too." "No." "I'm Laura Dinsmore." "I'm a private detective." " You're a detective?" " Yeah." "Great." "Help me find my pants." " Mr. McTeague." " Just a minute." "Do you have any where she's..." "leaning over a saddle looking coy?" "Is your father still in Brazil?" " Dad?" " Yeah." "No, that was years ago." "Oh, since then, he's been in, uh, Ethiopia..." "Chile..." "Uruguay." "He was with the Kurds for a while." "Wherever there's injustice in the world, you can find my dad." "You see, you two have never met 'im." "He's a... great man, but he..." "When I was a kid, he used to give away my toys to the poorer kids." "And not just the broken toys, I mean the good toys." "Then he'd want me to be happy about it." "The family was thinking." "If your dad would come back and try to make up with his cousin Joe..." "Look, my dad hated these people." "He said they worshipped money above all things, especially uncle Joe." " I mean, they're just..." " Why don't you go back there?" "If you could help in this situation, you'd share in the inheritance, whichever relative got it." "Oh, please." "What, I'm gonna become like them?" "Kiss up to my uncle and wait around for him to die?" "No, I..." "I'd rather the naked Limey chick got the money." "Sorry." "No." "It's nice to meet an honest man." "Especially in your family." "Oh." "Uh..." "Sorry about your car." "That's all right, it's a rental." "Look, if you change your mind, gimme a call." " Night." " Goodnight." " You coming inside?" " He taught me how to bowl." "Who did?" " Uncle Joe." " Really?" "What do you think, honey?" "Should I go back there?" " Well, I mean, if you hate 'im anyway..." " No, I don't hate 'im." "No, my dad hated 'im." "I was just a kid." "He was really nice to me." "Well..." "You know, who am I kidding?" "I was thinking of goin' back to see my uncle because I..." "Cause I thought he might loan me the money for buyin' that bowling alley." "So what's wrong with that?" "People borrow money from their relatives all the time." " Yeah, but with my family..." " Hey, you know you're a decent person." "Just decide what you wanna do and don't beat yourself up over it, okay?" "Maybe-maybe my relatives have changed." "Maybe they're not so ridiculous any more." " Happy birthday, sir." " Blow 'em out..." "Where are my presents?" "I like presents, especially from people who love me." "And who would that be?" "We've got something very special for you, uncle Joe." " I said cut the crap!" " Come on." " I can see your panties!" " Stop it." "Right now." "Come on." " Get off!" " Cool it!" " No!" "Why don't you listen to me?" "Shithead." " Stop it." "Both of you." "A movie?" "I haven't liked a movie since De Mille died." " Oh, you'll like this one." " Yeah?" " Should the kids leave the room?" " No, no." "I'll get the lights." " Leave it alone!" " Would you stop it?" "Come on, guys, sit down." " See, I told you." " Shut up!" "Go ahead, tell me more." "Tell me about what's happening in Asia." "Remember this party, uncle Joe?" "You hired those people to come in and film it?" "We shouldn't even have advisors in that country." "We're gonna get involved in a full Asian land war." "You're such a beatnik, Daniel." "You've always been a beatnik." "Sandals and white socks, that's you." "The French, they knew when to get out." "The French?" "Hitler offered them a bottle o' wine in exchange for their whole country." "They took it." "They..." "Why are you filming this?" "I'm not paying you to film this." "You..." "Where's my special boy?" " Where's uncle Joe's special boy?" " Here I am, uncle Joe." "Carl, get in touch with reality." "Where's little Danny?" "Where's uncle Joe's special little boy?" " I'm right here." " There you are." "Here, film this." "This is why I hired you." "You gonna do Durante?" " Yeah." " Good boy." "Come on." "Stop the music." "Stop the music." "Folks, I wanna welcome you to my great-uncle Joe's 50th birthday party." "Remember, uncle Joe..." " Yeah." " Yay!" "Good boy." "Uncle Joe... here's our present." " Who the hell is this?" " It's Danny, uncle Joe." "Danny Junior." "We found 'im for you for your birthday." " Danny?" " Uncle Joe." "Happy birthday." "Little Danny!" "Hug 'im." "Go hug 'im." "He-hey, stop the music, huh?" " He-hey!" " Hey." "Hey." "What a present!" " Hey." "Uh..." "Is your, uh...?" " What?" " Are you alone?" " Oh, yeah." "Yeah." "Well, let's go break the pinata." "You can do it!" "Come on, get him!" "Hit the pig!" "Douglas looks the same as he did 25 years ago." "This is his son." " Come on, Douglas!" "You can do it!" " That's right, Douglas." "Keep going." "So, your cousins found you and brought you in here, huh?" "Yeah, it was, uh... it's their idea." "I wonder what made them suddenly decide to do that, hm?" "Don't know, huh?" " I..." "I couldn't..." " They tell you about Molly?" "Yeah." " Yeah, they did." " Come on, you can do better than that." "She's your new nurse, right?" "She's more than a nurse." "She's a... companion." " What do you think about that?" " Hey." "You worked hard." "You're entitled." "What do you really think?" "I think it's ridiculous." "I mean, I'm watching you, you can barely wear your hat." "Douglas, stop playing around and fetch me a beer." "My pleasure, sir." "Oh, what are you two talkin' about?" "I was telling Danny about Molly." "How important she's become to me." "I've been thinking that she's the person in the world who's become closest to me." "The person I'd most like to see have some happiness, some... good fortune." "But, on the other hand, seeing little Daniel again has made me think about... family." "After all is said and done, maybe it's family... family comes first, mm?" "Molly!" "What do you think?" "Does family come first?" "I don't know." "I suppose it depends on the family, really." "How wise." "How deep, how pithy." "Family, friends... who can choose?" " Know what I'd like?" " What, uncle Joe?" "I'd like Danny to do Jimmy Durante for me." " Yes!" " Yeah, come on!" " That would be just so happy-making." " Yeah, happy-making." "No." "Jesus!" "This is pathetic." " Shut up and do Durante." " You do Durante!" "This is demented." "This wasn't such a good present after all." "Molly, honey." "Let's go inside." "I told you, your family's here to see you." "I mean, they all want to be with you." "But I'd rather just be with you." "All right, then." "First let me get some sweeties." " Danny, are you married?" " No." " Girlfriend?" " Yeah, I have a girlfriend." "Bring her around tomorrow." "Two o'clock." "We'll go swimming." "Swimming?" "Great." "I feel like a goddamn tea bag." "Sorry, sir." " Let me ask you, Robin." " Oh, yes, sir." " Do you ever produce basketball games?" " I will be, this next season." "You know what I hate?" "When they're playin' and the camera's on the stands on some moron and his face is painted blue and white, and I miss a basket." "I hate that!" " Yeah, so do I." " Danny." "What about you?" "You gonna bowl the rest of your life?" "Hit those senior tours?" "Actually, I've given up bowling." "I, uh... have this injury." "Oh, yeah, it's a rough sport." "I was, uh..." "I was gonna go back to college." "You know, get a teaching degree." "You'll never make the same money as Robin." "We-we've decided that..." "that's not important." "Right." " Douglas!" " Yes, sir?" "Much obliged, sir." "May I go and change now, sir?" " You can go dance the hully-gully for all I care." " Thank you, sir." "Yeah, I know, teaching's a wondertul thing." "Very noble." "You've been bowling ten years, you're tellin' me that leads to nothing?" " You just throw those ten years away?" " Well, I..." "What?" "I, uh, I have this opportunity... to invest in a bowling center." "It's an excellent deal." " But I'm, uh..." " Short o' money." "Yeah." " How much?" " It's 300,000 dollars." "Danny, come in the pool." "Ah..." "Just, uh..." " Is this salt water?" " Yeah." "Helps me float." "This belt's not enough." "I can't use my legs." "I tell you what." "I'll wrestle you for the money." " What?" " I'll wrestle you." "If you win, I'll give you 300,000 dollars." "If I win, you owe me nothing." "Come on, now and here and the dip in." "Show that girlfriend of yours what you're made of." "Oh, yeah, definitely." "I'm gonna..." "beat up an elderly crippled man and she's gonna say "My, what a catch!"" " Can your feet touch?" " No." "Good." " Danny?" " Come on, bowler!" " Help me!" "Oh, man!" " Oh, come on, Joe-Joe, that's enough." "Let him up." "Help!" " I win the first round." "Two out of three." " No!" "You heard 'im." "He quit." "Where is he?" " You okay?" " Get me out, honey." "Jesus!" "You got the grip of a bear!" "Forty years of lifting scrap metal." "And I like to win." "Yeah, well." "I'll give you the money." "300,000." "It's yours." " You, uh, you mean like a loan?" " No, no, no." "It's yours." "A gift." "Because you're different from the others." "You're better." "And for all the times you made me laugh." "Uncle Joe, this is, uh..." "I don't..." " Still see your father?" " What?" "Oh, yeah, sure." "I... see 'im 'bout once a year, I bail 'im out of jail, we make an afternoon of it." " Strange man." " Well, yeah, strange, sure." "But, uh, you know, with principles and..." "he believes in them." "I want you to call 'im from here." " Really?" " Yeah." "That's... that's really great." "Because, you know, it's been too many years, and, whatever your disagreements, I think it's silly..." "Call 'im now." "Tell 'im you came to me for money and I'm givin' it to you." "You realize... he was wrong and I was right." "And you need what I've got more than what he's got." "Tell him that and I'll give you the money." "Robin, we're leavin'." "You know there's something sicker about you than your legs?" "How about you, Molly?" "Wanna wrestle?" "Douglas!" "Molly!" " You had us worried." " About what?" "Well, with all your visiting, we put uncle Joe to bed and we realized how late it was, and... we got concerned about you." "Well, Monday nights I go to this news-stand to get the new TV Guide for Joe." "He likes to get it as early as possible so he can circle everything he wants to watch." "Does he circle your ass?" "You really are a stupid sod, aren't you?" "I'm going to bed." "Uncle Joe was kind of sprawled out up there." "You might wanna give him a nudge to push 'im to one side." " You think I'm bonking the old gent, aren't you?" " Yeah, we do." "Let me tell you, handsome." "If I were having sex with your uncle Joe, he'd be dead by now." "Oh, yeah, that's right." "You're just his nurse." "Huh!" "Yeah, I believe that." "Excuse me a second." "Ha-ha-ha!" "Look, I'm no more a nurse than you are a human being." "I'm here because I'm fun." "And I'm fun to look at." "I don't mind letting' him look, because I like it here." "I like the car, I like the house, I like the comfort." "My life hasn't always been comfortable." "Also, I like your uncle Joe." "He's tough, he's funny and he's nice to me." "But I'm not a whore." "And if he asked me to sleep with him, I'd leave." "Goodnight." "It took you one day to get rid o' Danny." "One day!" "That's pretty impressive, but that is not our last move!" "Move?" "You mean..." "you mean Danny's part of you?" " Look, up until now we've been nice." " But these are the finals, honey." " And we're diving for every loose ball." " What?" "I didn't like the Beatles and I don't like you." " You know, you're insane." " Listen!" "People have accidents." " What?" " Frank, what are you sayin'?" "I'm sayin' people have accidents, that's all." " Got you, boss." " Okay." "Here." " Take over." " Yes, sir." " You still work here." " I love this place." "Who wouldn't?" "Well, I'm here." "What do you wanna see me about?" "Okay, short and sweet." "I figured you came back sucking around for money, that you're like the others." "Maybe you're not." "So I apologize." "Okay?" "You go home now." "God, that was lovely." "I'm gettin' a little weepy." "You're still a funny kid." "Not as cute as you used to be, though." "Yeah, well, you're no Monet yourself." "Well, I lived in the streets till I was 20." "What do you expect?" "I was homeless before it was popular." "Can we go inside a second?" "I'm sorry that, after all these years, I even brought up the subject of money." "Okay?" "I didn't mean to." "But maybe I did." "I don't know." "But anyway, I'm sorry I did." "Still want the money?" "Jesus!" "You don't let up." "Look, money's money." "Okay?" "I need it just like everybody else." "But money is not gonna turn me into some sycophantic ass-licking wacko." "I've work to do." "Thanks for coming over." "Oh, uh, before you go, could you get me a cup of water?" "It's hot in here." "Yeah, okay." "Hello?" "Long lsland Hauling?" "I got a load sitting out here for a week." "Fieldstone 8-5..." "What?" "What do you mean, they're outta business 25 years?" "I call 'em every day." "Joe?" " Joe?" " 25 years." "Should I go get someone?" "Are you...?" " I'm gonna get someone." " Danny!" " Stay here." " Are you all right?" "I have gaps." "Lapses." "I..." " How often?" " More lately." "I'm..." "I'm hurtin' the business." "What?" "No, I mean, I'm sure you..." "Danny, if your cousins find out, they'll take me to court." "They'll declare me incompetent." "They'll pick me clean like buzzards." "They'll put me away." "I have an idea." "Lock the door." "Quick!" "Get a chair." "Come on." " It's really my lawyer's idea." " Okay." "He says that I can turn all my affairs, give everything over to one person now... before this gets worse, which it will." "Someone I trust who'll take care of me, who'll take care of the business." " You understand?" " Yeah." "I don't wanna go into a home." "I wouldn't let that happen." " You wouldn't?" " No." "You understand what this means?" "This person gets control of my money now." "Not when I'm dead." "Now." "All of it." "Yes." "I'm gonna do it." "I'm gonna call my lawyers, set up a meeting for next week..." "I'm gonna sign these papers and turn everything over to Molly." "Right." "Because I..." " To Molly?" " Yes." "She's been so kind to me." "Nobody's ever been so kind." " You're giving everything to her?" "To Molly?" " Yeah." "Who did you think I meant?" "Ya..." "Oh..." "You thought I meant you." "No!" "No." " But Molly?" " You think it's a mistake." "I don't know, I..." "I wanna make love to 'er." " Joe." " I-If I did this, she... she'd make love to me." "Don't you think?" "Joe, look." "A lot... a lot of women will make love to you for a lot less money." "No." "I want her." "See, Joe, this doesn't sound so good to me." "I just..." "I-I-I just don't think that you're being..." "I-I just don't think that you've had time to think this through." "I'm so tired." "I'm so tired of thinking "Who should I trust?" "Who's not just after my money?"" "Oh, Danny, help me." "I..." "I'm exhausted." "I..." "Maybe I should leave all the money to you." "Well." "Why-why don't...?" "Why don't we talk about this..." "later?" "Okay?" "All right." "In the meantime, I-I think it would be best if you... if you just don't do anything." "All right." "I'm so tired." "Get Douglas to take me home." "I'll be right back." "Throws and shoots for 3..." "and scores!" "Gimme the guy in the stands with the blue and white face." "That's good." "Hold it..." "Take it." "It was the saddest thing you ever saw, honey." "I mean, this tough old guy, he just sort of shrivelled up right in front of me." "Dick, get ready to throw to a commercial." "Honey, I'm supposed to be concentrating." " Coe inside Layum's scores!" " You missed the basket!" "Dick, sign off and go to commercial." " Music!" "Roll it!" " We're a minute under, Robin." "You missed the basket while you're on the guy with the painted face." "Look, people, they need that." "Wait a minute." "Who's directing this, you or me?" "Let me check." "That's my ass!" "That's my ass in the director's chair!" "Shit!" "I must be the director!" " Stan, we're back in 20." " No, no, no, it's okay." "This guy'll do it." "Here you go." "Slide right in here, slugger." "Get me a wide shot, then we zoom in." "Get outta here!" "Get 'im outta here!" "I'm just gettin' the hang of this." "Come on, let's go." "Oh, hey, it was nice meeting you and your ass!" "That's nice." "Give me another shot of the painted face." "What a pinhead!" "Yeah." "Well, right now I have to work with that pinhead, so, uh, I'll meet you at, uh..." "Oh, no, it's all right." "I just wanted to let you know that, uh, I'm gonna be movin' in with uncle Joe for a while." "Really?" "Yeah." "Honey, I gotta keep an eye on 'im." "He's... not all there." "He's thinkin' of givin' that naked pizza girl 20 million dollars." "Yeah, that does seem wrong." "But who should get it?" "Your cousins?" "God, what a crew." "Klingons." "Well, he sort of mentioned that he might..." " What?" " That he might... give it to me." "I mean, I'm not takin' it that seriously." "That's not why I'm goin' over there." "I'm just..." "I'm worried about 'im." "Still..." "It's a funny idea, isn't it?" "You, me." "Married..." " Living in that big house." " Yeah, it's funny." "Don't forget, you owe me a dollar for the shoes." "Anyway, as I was saying, my lawyer says I can turn all my money, everything, over to one person." "Now." " You understand?" " Yes." " I don't wanna end up in a home." " You won't." "I'm gonna do it." "I'm gonna call my lawyers and set up a meeting for next week and I'm gonna turn everything over to..." "Danny." "Danny?" "In fact it was his idea." "Who did you think I...?" "You thought I meant you." " No." "No, I just..." " Molly, what would people say?" "How would it look?" "Look, Joe." "What do you really know about this bloke?" "I mean, you haven't seen him in 25 years." "He shows up here wanting money for a bowling alley." "I don't know." "I don't know who to trust." "Maybe I should leave all my money to you." "Joe-Joe." "Yes!" "Whoa!" "Hey!" " Did you see that?" " Yeah." "Excuse me." "You have a call from Washington, D.C., sir." "I'll take it upstairs." "You stay here, with Danny." "Talk." "Enjoy yourself." "Let's go, Douglas." "You're working for your cousins, aren't you?" "Wait a minute." "How...?" "Who...?" "Oh, they let it slip out the other night just before they threatened to kill me." "They did what?" "You tell your cousins I'm not afraid of them." "And you leave Joe alone." "You keep your breasts off his eyebrows." " Hey, you little..." " Get off!" " Come on!" " Mommy!" "It's good." "What's happening, Wonder Boy?" "I mean, look at this." "Her tongue is practically in his wallet." "What are you drinking?" "Uh, it's a... 7-Up." "I'm not much of a drinker." "You will be." "There's something I wanted... to ask you." " Did you go and see Molly and, uh...?" " No." "Let me finish." "All right?" "Did you... go and see Molly..." "and threaten to kill her?" "What?" "Did...?" "You see how evil she is?" "You see what we're dealing with?" "Why, we..." "We went to her..." "to ask her if Joe's taking his medication." "You know, for his..., uh, circulation." "She said "That's for me to know and for you to worry about."" "She said that?" "Then I said "I could kill you for that"." "Okay, now you know the truth." "God..." "First couple of days I was here, she seemed so nice." "Yeah, that's before she saw you as a threat." "Mm-hm." "Maybe we should have a judge declare him incompetent." "Throw him in a home." " A home?" " I mean, you know, for his own protection." "I hear things at the scrapyard." "There is something wrong with him." "He screws things up, he-he... he-he makes crazy deals." "He forgets deals he's made..." "Danny, have you noticed anything?" "Anything we could use to, uh, to put the old man away?" "Uhh... no." "Keep your eyes open." "And for God's sake, do something!" "That's what you're here for." "Joe?" "Joe!" "Joe." "Here, have some water." "Cough it up." "Joe, drink some water!" "Joe..." "That's it." "Piece of fruit." "She tried to kill 'im." "She knows he has a narrow gullet." "All the McTeagues have narrow gullets!" "Frank, shut your mouth." "She's the only one who tried to help me." "I tried to help you, uncle Joe, but... but Carl stopped me!" " Liar!" " Happy birthday, uncle Joe!" "That was last week." "You people are..." "Come on, Molly." "I've lost my appetite." "I've made a decision." "Here I am, uncle Joe." "Hello, folks." "This is Jimmy Durante." " Danny." " No, honey." " Danny." " Stop the music!" "Stop the music." "Everybody wants to get into the act!" "Remember, uncle Joe..." "Just those in wheelchairs!" "Big finish!" "You're something." "Robin!" "Robin!" "Whoa, hey, hey, hey." "Hey." "Hey, hey, where you going?" "I'm sorry." "I'm just a little "Inka-dinka-do'd" out." "What, do you think I enjoyed that?" "A week ago, your cousins asked you to do that, you said it was pathetic." "Two minutes ago, you are singing, dancing and sliding down a banister?" "Honey... she's a vixen." "She's not givin' him his medicine, she's gonna get his money, she's gonna get his power of attorney and she's gonna dump 'im in a home." "I know this." "So it's not really the money you care about, it's your uncle." "Exactly." "He's opened up his heart to me." "You know?" "We've... rekindled something that we... haven't had since I was a little kid." "I mean, we got a bond growing' here." "Danny, I love you and I believe in you." "But isn't everything you're telling me a big crock of bubbling shit?" " No." " It's the money." "It's just the money." " It's not." "It's... it's not." " Mr. Daniel." "Your uncle has requested another chorus." " Come with me." "Just leave." " Honey, I can't just leave." "All my stuff's here." " All my clothes." " I've seen your clothes." "Just leave." "Shall I tell him you're coming, sir?" "It's not the money." "He's back!" "Ha-cha-cha-cha-cha!" " More wine, sir?" " No, thank you, Douglas." " Is the chicken Kiev satisfactory?" " It's excellent." "Oh, could... you tell the cook that tomorrow I'd like to have broiled salmon again?" " Very good, sir." " Is my uncle going to swim today?" "He's not at home, sir." "He took the shuttle down to Washington." " Business trip." " Yes and no, sir." " What's that mean?" " It means he took Miss Molly along with him." "He did?" "Yes, sir." "In fact, he had me call the Coolidge Hotel and book them the honeymoon suite." "Honeymoon?" "More wine, sir?" "This is a matter of life or death." "These are Mr. McTeague's pills." "Now, I've to get these to him in 2 minutes and 45 seconds." "Damn it, man!" "I need that room number!" "Well, I'm sorry, sir, but Mr. McTeague was very specific." "He has a "Do not disturb" tonight and no one is to have his room number." "Now, if you leave him the pills, I'll see to it that he gets the..." "No!" "No!" "No." "No." "No!" "No, no." "You don't understand." "These pills only work if I give them to him myself." "It's a very rare condition." "Excuse me, sir." "Does this say "moron"?" "Now, I will leave him your message first thing in the morning." "In the meantime, would you... would you like a room?" "All right, I'll be honest with you." "Okay?" "I'm his nephew." " Oh, his nephew." " Yes." "Because he gave specific instructions that his room number was not to be given to any of his relatives." "What the hell is the matter with you?" "Do you..." "do you not care about this hotel's reputation?" "Hm?" "You know, there is an old man shacked up in this hotel with a very young girl." "Sir, most of these rooms have old men with young girls." "This is Washington." "All right, listen, pal." "Just give me..." " ... a room." "A cheap one." " Of course." "Come on, Molly." "Drink up." "Yeah, come in." "It's open." "Right there." " Leaving?" " Yeah." " Where's Molly?" " Eh, she's takin' a walk." "We had a fight." "Huh?" "Nothing serious, I hope." "Be honest with me." "Do you think Molly would even like me if I wasn't rich?" "Look, uncle Joe, I..." "I-I don't wanna say anything against her." "But like you say, let's be honest." "How many gorgeous young girls like you see with poor old guys?" " Take some towels." " What?" "Take some towels." "For the money they charge, you should take everything." "I'm trying to figure out a way to get the bed outta here." "You are some piece of work, you know that?" "She's a good kid." "That's why she can't..." "She can't... can't just get herself to... you know?" "You mean you two... didn't...?" "No." "You know, I never believed that anyone... could love me... for me." "How could I, when my own mother didn't?" "She didn't?" "She left me and my brother at a... at a home in Albany when I was three." "No note, no nothing." "Never asked about us." "Never said "I'm sorry"." "Your mother has to love you." "Right, Danny?" "So even if... if no one else does, sh-she has to, doesn't she?" "Well, if my own mother couldn't love me, I..." "I, uh..." "I love you, uncle Joe." "You do?" "Yeah, I do." "Take me home, Danny." "Danny, what do you mean?" "He's throwing her out of the house?" "Honey, just wait a second, will you?" " Danny!" " Honey, I had no choice." "It was an emergency." "She had uncle Joe." "She wasn't gonna bring him back till she got what she wanted." "You mean until she got what you wanted." "Honey, it's not like that." "Look, uncle Joe and I, we talked." "I mean, we really talked." "He's been in Washington for couple o' days." "Some... military contract." "Oh, yeah?" "I brought him back today." "And we're gonna go see his attorneys." "From now on, honey, I'm going to be responsible for him." "I'm gonna be... here with him, and... you know." "Rich." " What about your cousins?" "You made a deal." " My-my cousins are animals!" "Why, they would put him in a home if they could." "Now, I'll take care of their children, maybe, you know, give each kid like a... scholarship or something, but-but my cousins, forget it." "They don't deserve anything." " You bastard!" " Frank, no!" " Whatever happened to "Hello"?" " We heard every word." " What do you do?" "Listen outside at my door?" " Always." "You know, I had no idea just how sick you guys were." "Come spend a day with us." " I'd rather shove this club up my ass." " I'll do it for you." "You're playin' a lone hand, huh?" "You double-crossing us?" "First of all, I never agreed to anything with you." "All I said was I would visit my uncle, see how things were..." "And let me tell you something." "I saw, and it made me sick." "You bastard." "I like it better when she says it." "I think it's the accent or something." " I thought I'd find you all here together." " We're not all together." "Right." "Do you know something?" "I thought you were different than the others." "But you're not different." "You're exactly the same." "I am looking out for my uncle, okay?" "I am looking out for his welfare." "Bullshit!" "They were at least willing to wait until he died." "But not you, no." "You're gonna eat him raw." " Wait a minute." "Danny is not like that." " Try to remember something, okay?" "In the long run, nobody likes a tease." "You are a cheap, chiselling, low-life hustler." " You said it!" " Well, it takes one to spot one." " Stop it!" " Great!" "Now you stop it, after she gets in a shot." "I'll give you half a million dollars to leave." "Cash." "Soon as I get the money." "Half a million dollars." "That's more than you could make delivering pizza, even in a good year." "She gets half a million dollars and we get a couple of lousy scholarships?" "That's not fair!" "No, I will give you half a million dollars and you leave." "And I'll pay you, when I get the money." "Oh, you-you'll give me half a million dollars?" "No, I'm getting it all!" "He sees right through you." "You're a walking fish tank, baby." "You're made o' glass." "You and your tan tushy..." "I'll sleep with him." "What?" "What, you... you're... you are...?" "Yeah, that's right." "That's right." "As soon as he gets back from work today." "I'll give 'im a right good one." "You..." "See, it wouldn't..." "He wouldn't ... even be interested in that, you know." "It wouldn't even matter." "Oh, it'll matter." "I'll make it matter." "Inka dinka doo!" "Molly." "Do you know both of my daughters are named Molly?" "Oh, God." "Oh, God." "Oh, God." "You think she'll do it?" "Yes, I do." "I don't think you've given her any other choice." "I think she'll do it just to beat you." "Oh, Jesus." "You think it'll work?" "Danny..." "A young girl with a body like that?" "When she is through with 'im, there'll be nothing left of 'im but a smile and an old hat." "Welcome home, Joe." "Hello, Molly." "I'm tired." "I'm going upstairs." "Uncle Joe!" "Joe." "Wait!" "Are you retiring, sir?" "Will you need my assistance?" "No, Molly will... assist me." "Oh, I see." "Very good, sir." "Let's go." "Sir?" "May I ask for a reference before you go upstairs?" "Not now, Douglas." "Goodbye, sir." "Uncle Joe, wait!" "Ow!" "Uncle Joe, please wait." "Uh..." " I have a surprise for you." " Danny, don't." "Dont!" "Up we go, Molly." "His face!" "Did you see it?" "I've never been in one of these before." "Hang on, Molly!" " Molly..." "Let me say something." " No." "Don't say anything." " A little young for you, ain't she, Joe?" " Who's there?" "Hi, Joe." "It's been a long time." " It's Daniel." " Daniel?" " What... what are you...?" "You got so old." " Well, you're no Monet yourself." "Molly, this is my cousin Daniel." "Danny's father." "Danny asked me to come." "He's got a real regard for you, Joe." "He made me think that maybe things are different than the way I remember them." "But they're not, are they?" "It's still the same." "God, this place still stinks from greed." "Those who have it... and those who want it." "Dad!" " Hello, Daniel." " Dad..." "You came!" "That was great of you." " I'm leaving." " What?" "Oh, God." "They're all still here." "First it was your parents, now it's you." "He'll outlive your children and leave them nothing." "Dad, you wanna lighten up for a second?" "You know who ruins this world, Danny?" "The greedy." "That's it." "They have it." "I want it." "I have it." "I want more." "That's the real pollution, Danny." "Greed." "You know who I think ruins the world?" "Pompous, self-righteous, holier-than-thou middle-aged fanatics in pony-tails who give away their kids' toys!" " He's got you too, huh?" " No, he doesn't have me." " Can't the truth be somewhere in-between?" " No!" "One way is all right, and one way is all wrong." "Pick." "His way or my way." "Pick." " Dad." " Pick!" " You are just so..." " Pick!" "All right, then I pick him." "At least he doesn't take himself so goddamn seriously." "I'm leaving." "Why?" "I can't believe what I almost did." "I was actually gonna screw the old boy for money." "I suppose maybe I've always been here for the money." "Christ, I make myself sick." "I have to get out of here." "I understand." "You'll take care of him, won't you?" "Of course." "You're not gonna put him in a home?" "Never." "Bye." "Hey." "You okay?" "Yeah." "God, that was... some scene with your father." "I just..." " What?" " That wasn't my father." "What?" "That was an actor." "My father wouldn't come here on a bet." " So you just...?" " It was my only shot, honey." "You remember that day out here by the pool?" "That's what he wanted." "He wanted me to pick 'im over my father." "Yes, and you said you never would." "I didn't." "I picked 'im over an actor." " Don't touch me." " What, what?" " Hey, hey, hey, hey." "Come on, come on." " Danny." "What's the matter?" "You're lost." "You dropped your compass in the woods and you're lost." "I'm not lost." " You don't see how sick this is, you really don't." " No!" " Who got hurt?" " The truth got hurt, okay?" "Integrity, self-respect, decent human behavior, that got hurt!" "Hey, I will be good to him." "You wanna tell me who else will be as good to him?" " That's not the point." " No, that is the point." "Danny, we've been through a lot together and I think I've been pretty loyal." "Honey, you've been great." "But if you touch one cent of your uncle's money, we're through." " What are you, crazy?" " I mean it." "I mean it." "If you take any of that money, I will have no respect for you." "Jesus!" "You sound like my father." "No, I sound like the actor who played your father." "Enjoy your money." " Daniel McTeague Junior." " Here." "Your great-uncle Joe has chosen, for reasons I assume he's explained, to transfer to you all his assets, including complete control of his commercial, personal and financial affairs." "My boy." "My good boy." "At this time, I would like to give you a complete picture of your great-uncle's holdings." "The McTeague Scrap Metal Company, comprising scrapyards, trucking..." "Excuse me." "Uncle Joe, there's, uh, something I..." "I'd like to... explain to you." "First of all, when I... came to your birthday party that time," "I-I..." "I had no idea any of this was gonna happen." "I wasn't after your money." "I know that." "That's why I love you." " Joe." "I have to tell you something." " What?" "I'm... gonna take such good care of you." "You're a good boy." "Is that it?" " Yeah." " Well, that was lovely." "As I was saying, the McTeague Scrap Metal Company, comprising..." " Stop!" "Sign nothing!" " What the hell is this?" "Oh, my, my, my, my, my." "If deceit has a name, it's his name!" "Daniel, is it true?" "Is everything these gerbils have been telling me true?" "Dad." "Dad?" "Yes, dad." "Daniel McTeague Senior, his father." "His real father, not the actor he hired to come to your house last night." "Danny." "They told me that, Daniel." "Is it true?" "Yeah." "It's true." "You hired an actor... to pretend he was me, and then pretended to get in a fight with 'im?" "And told him you preferred uncle Joe to me?" "Well, when you put it like that, it sounds kind o' bad." "Danny, I know we've had our differences." "And I know you think I'm... strange." "No." "No, no, dad." "I am." "But I've always respected you, Daniel." "Always." "I've always felt you had real... character." " Does money really mean this much to you?" " No." "I didn't go and see uncle Joe for the money." "We made a deal with him." "If he kept the money in the family, he'd get a cut." "Right?" " Yes, but..." " Then he double-crossed us." "Because they're scum!" "I mean, they're greedy!" "We're greedy?" "We were willing to share." "Dad..." "I don't know what happened." "I just got..." "like sucked in." "I mean, first one thing didn't seem wrong, and then another thing didn't seem wrong, until..." "Nothing... seemed wrong." "I know." "That's why I left." " How are you, Joe?" " I'm still eating grapes." " Uncle Joe..." " Save it." "Okay, Joe." "Bare knuckles, toe to toe." "We've spent 20 years eating your shit and saying "Mm, delicious!" "What a cook." No more." "We've hired attorneys." "If we don't get our fair share of everything, we'll move to have you declared incompetent." "And we'll win, because we found out things." "You've got toys in the attic, uncle Joe." "Broken toys." "And we'll hammer on you, and hammer on you until you cave in." "Understand?" " Or is your mind already gone?" " All right!" "Sit down." "All of you." " Uncle Joe..." " Quiet." "Go ahead." "As I was about to say before the circus came to town, your uncle's holdings at their peak held a net - net, mind you - financial value of just under 25 million dollars." "At the moment, however, he is 95,000 dollars in debt." " Wait a minute." "He's...?" " In debt beyond the value of all his assets." "The room, is it doing... this?" "I fear this has come as a shock to you." "No." "Shitting a sailboat, that's a shock." "This is a fucking catastrophe!" "Your uncle's trip to Washington was not for a military contract." "It was to work out an arrangement with the IRS to keep your uncle out of jail." "That has been accomplished, but everything is lost." "Everything... plus some arrangement will have to be made for the 95,000." "How the hell do you lose 25 million dollars?" "It's easier than you think." "I... overextended, made some loans, there were... some things I claimed the government wouldn't allow." " The penalties were..." " Hold it." "I don't believe this." "It's another one of his little tricks." "Another little test!" "I will gladly put you in touch with the IRS." "They'll give you a complete accounting as well as a lovely brochure for the auction." " Auction?" " They're taking my home." "Damn it!" "Stupid, stupid!" "We played along!" "We played along." "We should've stepped in five years ago!" "Two would have been enough." "You stupid, pathetic old man." "Goddamn it, Frank!" "One more word outta you," "I'll kick your ass so high up you'll take off your shirt to shit!" "Come on." "Come on, bowling boy!" "Stop it!" "Frank, cut it out!" " Stop!" "I've got a metal plate in my head." " You do?" "No!" " Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey." "That's enough." " I want security in the large conference room." "That's enough." "Get over here." "Meathead!" "You're insane, you know that?" "I'm insane?" "For five years I've begged you, let's put him in a home!" "No, you didn't want to because you didn't have the balls!" "None of you have any balls!" "Frank?" "I've been waiting to do this a long time." "Hey!" "Hey!" "Stop it." "Come on." "Come on." " I want them out of here!" " It's all right!" "We were..." "We were just leaving... anyway." " What do we do now?" " Nothing!" "We wait around and dance at his funeral." "You're still here." "How long have you known you were broke?" " About a year." " A year..." "So, this whole time you were, uh... what?" "Schmucking with me?" "Every second." "Danny, please..." "I-I had to find out," "I had to know who'd take care of me when they found out I had nothing." "And care will be required." "Your uncle's physical condition is degenerative, and whoever assumes control over his finances will have to oversee the liquidation and sale of his assets, assume responsibility for the outstanding balance, and, of course, there's our bill." "We will need you to sign these papers." "If you'd just told me the truth." "I mean, I'm not saying I'm a... perfect guy or anything, but if you'd just told me the truth, maybe I could have felt some compassion, you know, some... responsibility." "Just the truth!" "Truth is, I'm an old guy." "I'm broke." "I need help." "Not now!" "Then." "Now's no good." "Now's too late." "I crawled." "I begged." "I lost my girlfriend." "I hate that you did this." "Danny, I had to." "I had to find out who loved me." " Who..." " Nobody." "Nobody loved you." "Why should they?" "I mean, what's there to love?" "What about you... is there to love?" "All right, I want a camera in the stands on the kid's father when the kid's shooting the free throws." "If he misses now, the expression on the dad's face is another Emmy." "C'mon, find the dad." " Mike, go back!" " Hey!" " Stop!" " Listen, girlie, if you don't get back in that seat..." "Will you shut up a second?" "I'll meet you over there." " What happened?" " Uncle Joe was... broke." " Come on." " Broke." "No, not just broke." "In debt." "Everybody pushing' and shoving'..." "and all the time the trough was empty." "When did I get so obsessed with money?" "When did that happen?" "I mean, you've known me for years." "I was never like that." " Was I?" " No." " What's gonna happen to 'im?" " Uncle Joe?" "I assume my cousins will hang 'im." "No, really." "Really." " I don't know." "I don't care." " You don't?" "Honey, allow me to finally face up to what I did." "I wasn't there for him." "I was there for the money, boom." "That time you told me about at the scrapyard?" "And he told you how scared he was to go into a home?" " You told me you felt sorry for him." " I did." "But don't you see?" "It was an act." "He was... putting on an act." " Anybody would have felt sorry for 'im." " Even your cousins?" "Make sure you get plenty of padding on there!" "Put it in last." "Douglas." "Douglas." "Where's uncle Joe?" "I couldn't say, sir." "I'm no longer in your uncle's employ." " What are you talkin' about?" " He can no longer pay my wages." "Wages?" "Don't you care what happens to him?" "Very droll, sir." "Most amusing, sir." " Watch your back." "Coming through." " Where is 'e, in a nursing home?" "Out of the question." "He can't afford that." "Hey, hey, hey." "What-what...?" "What's he gonna do?" "He can go dance the hully-gully for all I care." "Good day, sir." "Where's your hat?" "Went in the auction." "A buck's a buck." "Your lawyer told me you were here." "What are you doin' in the hospital?" "I didn't feel good, stupid." "Why else do you go to a hospital?" " But a county ward?" " It's all I can afford." "Ironic, huh?" "I'm right back where my mother left me." "You call me stupid." "Work your way up from nothin'... from the street... you piss it all away." "Did you just come to cheer me up, or what?" " All right, come on." "Where's all your crap?" " Huh?" "Your crap, your stuff, your clothes..." "They didn't bring you in naked, did they?" " In my bag." " All right, come on, let's go." " Where?" " What, suddenly you're particular?" "You're comin' with me." "Robin and I are gettin' married." "We decided to adopt you." "You and Robin...?" "You know what?" "We wanted to start a family anyway and we figured this way." "At least we know what we're gettin'." "Signed you up for Little League." "Don't embarrass me." "My son." "Okey-dokey." "Watch your fingers." "Hi, honey, I'm home!" "Look what the stork brought us." " Hi." "Hi, uncle Joe." " Hello, Robin." "Danny bought me a hat." "Smart choice." "Well, uh, this is my place, and, um, I think we'll all be very comfortable here..." " Would you like to see your room?" " Sure." " Great." " Here we go." "Uh, there's a bed coming, and furniture..." "And, uh, we can squeeze all this other stuff into our room." " What do you think?" " I don't like it." " Uh, uncle Joe, Robin went to a lot o' trouble here." " Sorry." "I don't like it." "Well... uh, we could trade rooms." "Uh, come 'ere." "Now..." "Danny and I will stay in there and you can have this room." "How 'bout that?" "I don't like it." "You know what?" "It's probably just temporary." "In a year or so, Danny and I will buy a house." "I won't like it." "He's great, isn't he?" "He's like that piece o' corn that gets stuck... in your teeth." "And you keep suckin' on it to get it out, but you can't!" "I'd like to go back to my mansion." "I love my mansion." "Oh, God." "Try to understand... okay?" "It's gone." "Everything is gone." "You don't have your house." "You don't have your money..." "You don't have the scrapyard..." "You don't even have your hat." "Look out the window." "Go ahead." " You're not broke, are you, uncle Joe?" " I am richer than shit." "The meeting with your attorneys..." "them hauling' the furniture outta your hou... you sittin' in that ward?" "!" "A show, Danny." "You put on a show for me." "The lawyers and I put on a show for you." "I knew that guy at the house wasn't your father." "What do you think, I'm an idiot?" "And do you think I'm stupid enough to lose my money?" "Eh!" "But why?" "I mean, why would you make somethin' like that up?" "Heyyy..." "I had to know who really loves me, huh?" "And..." "I went and found Molly." "I like er, she's a nice kid." "Well... shall we go?" "I want you two to live with me from now on." "Not just live with me." "Whatever I own, you own." "What's mine is yours." "Ready?" " Uncle Joe, I don't know what to say." "It's..." " No." "No, wait, no!" "You can't do this to people." "I mean, you can't lie and fake and manipulate." "I won't accept that." " So you don't wanna come and live with me." " You didn't let me finish." "Just this once..." "I'm gonna let you off with a warning." "Thank you." "But you gotta promise us, uncle Joe." "No more deception." "No more games." "No more lies." " You promise?" " I promise." "Now, c'mon." "Let's go."