"( tires screech )" "( door opens and slams )" "( screeching )" "I knew I forgot something." "Here's a map of the shortest route to the hospital, 99." " Direct me as we go." " Okay, Max." "We left the apartment at 8:20." "Now according to my calculations, we should be at the hospital at precisely 8:31." "8:31?" "How can we make it so fast?" "99, I've been working on that map for five months." "I know more shortcuts in this town than even the police know." "Max, you're fantastic." "We're coming to Spring Street." "Which way do I go?" " Uh, Spring Street-- turn left." " Right." "A little mistake there, 99, but I'll make up for it by speeding up." "Don't go too fast, Max." "( siren wailing )" "All right, where do you think you're going, to a fire?" "No, to a hospital." "My wife is pregnant." " All right, follow me." " No, you follow me." "I know a shortcut." "Hold on, 99." "Here's where we come to our first shortcut." "Okay, Max." " ( shouts ) - ( crashes )" "Well, I cut off a minute there." "And the antenna on the officer's motorcycle." " What time is it now?" " It's 8:26." "Okay, here's where I save another two miles." "Hey, Max, look at the traffic at the light up ahead." "If you look at that map closely, 99, you'll see that I found a shortcut that'll get us around that traffic." "Oh, I see." "We go around the Bijoux Theater." "Nope, we go through the Bijoux Theater." "Oh." "Oh!" "Gee, 99, I wish we weren't in such a hurry." "Why, Max?" "That was a Humphrey Bogart movie!" "Right on the nose-- 8:31." "Is this the hospital you wanted to get to?" " Yes." "Why?" " This hospital is only two blocks away from where I picked you up." "You wait there." "I'll get you a wheelchair." "That won't be necessary, Officer." "She's not going to have the baby today." "Wait a minute... what do you mean she's not gonna have the baby today?" "Well, she is going to have the baby, but this was just a trial run." "You see, we wanted to see how long it would take to get from our apartment to the hospital." "And we made it in less than nine minutes." " Isn't that wonderful, 99?" " That's wonderful, love." " There's only one thing wrong." " What's that?" "This isn't the hospital where I'm gonna have the baby." "( theme music playing )" "It's four months since KAOS changed their secret headquarters, and we still haven't been able to find it." "I just don't understand it." "Now look at this, Chief." "Here's something I never noticed before." " What's that?" " Linley Lane is a through street." "I thought it was a dead end." "What difference does that make?" ""What difference does that make?"" "It's four blocks shorter to the hospital." "Max, we're trying to find KAOS's secret headquarters, not a shortcut to the hospital." "Yes, well, I wanna make sure 99 gets to the hospital on time." "After all, I don't want my son born in the back of a taxicab." "Max, believe me, we'll get 99 to the hospital in plenty of time." "Well, I certainly hope so, because hospital rates are very high, but not nearly as high as cabs'." "Max, do us both a favor-- call 99 and see if she's feeling all right." "Then you can put your mind at ease and we can both get back to work." "My mind is perfectly at ease." "I don't have to call 99." " Then we can get back to work?" " Absolutely." "Anytime you're ready, Doctor." " ( rings )" " Hello?" "Hi, sweetheart." "How're you feeling?" "Oh, I'm just fine, Max." "The pains haven't begun yet." " What are you doing?" " Well, I was just trying to decide between Edna and Estralita." " Do you have any preference?" " Estralita Smart?" "That's kind of a strange name for a boy, isn't it?" "Oh, Max, it's not the name for the baby." "I'm trying to decide what nurse to hire." "Well, if you want my advice, 99, you'll hire the woman who does the most work for the least amount of money." "Oh." "Well, I'll call my mother and have her grab the next plane." "When are you coming home, Max?" "I don't know, sweetheart." "I have to go down and stake out the bus station." "Well, don't worry about me, love." "I'll be fine." "I'll call you from there and leave you a number where you can reach me in case the pains start." "Right." "Thank you, darling." "Bye." "Goodbye, sweetheart." "Okay, Chief, let's get at it." "We've covered the entire waterfront, and all of the areas south of the Pentagon." " Excuse me, Chief." " What are you doing?" " I forgot to tell 99 the good news." " What good news?" "That Linley Lane is a through street." "Max, hang up the phone!" "We've combed the entire area week after week for the past four months." "The only thing we can do now is spot a KAOS courier and follow him in the hopes that he'll lead us to KAOS's secret headquarters." "Morning, Chief." "Morning, Max." "Good morning?" "Larrabee, it's 8:00!" "What are you doing here?" "I always come to work 8:00 in the morning." "It's 8:00 in the evening, not 8:00 in the morning." " It is?" " Yes!" " Oh, well, that explains it." " Explains what?" "Why my wife served me pot roast for breakfast." "Goodbye, Larrabee." " You mean I can go?" " Yes." "Gee, that's nice of you, Chief, giving me the rest of the day off." "Uh... he's a-- he's a good man, Chief." "I mean, he would have stayed if you asked him to." "He'd jump off the bridge if I asked him to." "We'd better get out of here ourselves." "Come on, I'll drop you off at the bus terminal." "Woman over P.A.:" "Greystone Bus now loading for Los Angeles, California." "( ringing )" "Hello, 99?" "Max." "How are you feeling?" " Oh, I'm fine, Max." " How come you're out of breath?" "Well, I had to run all the way downstairs to answer the phone." "Oh, were you upstairs?" "Well, I'd like to be." "It's just that every time I start upstairs, you call and then I have to run all the way downstairs to get the phone." "Well, I just wanted to see how you were feeling." "Well, I'm fine, but I'd be a lot better if you wouldn't call every five minutes, Max." "Okay, honey." "Now remember, if the pains start coming, call me at this number I gave you." "I will, darling." "Goodbye." "Okay." "Bye." "Tour Cruiser 21 now loading for Kansas at Topeka." "I got here as fast as I could, Chief." "What's up?" "One of our units spotted a KAOS courier." "He's staying at the Hotel Senator downtown." "Right here." "This is the first break we've had in four months, Chief." " ( buzzing )" " Get that, will you, Larrabee?" "That will be Unit 4 reporting in." "Go ahead, Unit 4." "( man speaks indistinctly )" "I'm not getting good reception, Chief." "Why don't you try turning it around and talking into the speaker and listening on the receiver?" "Really?" "Come in, Unit 4." "I'm getting him now, Chief." " You're too much, Chief." " What do you mean, I'm too much?" "It's one thing to be able to run an organization like CONTROL, but to also be an expert in electronics..." "The suspect just checked out of the hotel and is now in a cab going north on 7th Street." " He's dressed in a white sailor suit." " Good." "Unit 12 will now take over." "Unit 4, discontinue pursuit." "Unit 12, commence pursuit." "Let's keep our fingers crossed we don't lose him, Larrabee." "Come in, Unit 12." "Chief, the cab is headed for the bus terminal." "So far so good." "Now if we just don't get a bad break." " Smart's covering the bus terminal." " That's it." " That's what?" " The bad break." "I'll have to call Smart at the bus terminal." "( ringing )" "Hello, 99?" "I'll be there in five minutes." "Max, this is not 99." "This is the Chief." "Chief, would you mind getting off the phone?" "I'm expecting a call from 99." "Max, will you pay attention to your duty?" "Chief, I'm gonna have a baby." "Max, you may not have a country to raise him in." "Now a KAOS courier is arriving at the bus terminal any second now in a taxi." "He'll be dressed in a white sailor suit." "Wait a minute, Chief." "That's him." "He's coming into the terminal." "He's going into the coffee shop, Chief." "Max, you go into the coffee shop and keep your eye on him." "We've waited four months for this moment." "Under no circumstances are you to let him out of your sight." "That'll be the day when I lose a guy in a white sailor suit." "Shows you how stupid KAOS can be sometimes." "You know, Chief, I remember a case once" "Max, get in the coffee shop!" "Right, Chief." "Bus for Washington Navy Yard now loading." "Bus for Washington Navy Yard now loading." "Which one of you guys is going to KAOS secret headquarters?" ""Samuel, Scott," "Sherman." Sherman!" "How about Sherman, Max?" "Sherman." "Sherman..." "Sherman." "Nope, that's no good at all, 99." "Sherman is a one-way street." "Max, I'm not talking about streets," "I'm talking about a name for the baby." "You mean to tell me that all those names you've been giving me for the last hour are names of babies?" " But of course." " I thought they were names of streets." "I made a map out of them." " Oh, Max, that's silly." " Well, it may be silly, but it works." "According to this map," "I can get you to the hospital in less than 10 minutes flat." " ( knock )" " I'll get it, 99." " Be sure to get the password, Max." " I will." " Yes?" " Knock, knock." " Who's there?" " Me." " Me who?" " Me the Chief." "Oh, hi, Chief." "Hello, Max." "Max, I've got something terribly important that I want to talk to you about." " Oh, how are you feeling, 99?" " Just terrific, Chief." "Max, we've just gotten word that KAOS is going to attempt to steal" " the Huffiker plans." " The Huffiker plans?" "!" "But that's impossible, Chief." "You told me yourself that the Huffiker plans are in the Chief of Staff's private safe in the Pentagon." " That's true." " But in order for KAOS to get in, they'd have to go past 20 or 30 armed guards." "No one could accomplish that." " There's one man who could." " Who's that?" "Simon the Likable." "Simon the Likable?" "Who's he?" "He's KAOS's most irresistible agent, a man so unassuming, so modest, so sweet and warm that you take one look at him and you like him." "I remember what happened in London last month when he went to trial." "The court will come to order." "You, Simon the Likable, are hereby charged with grand larceny, forgery, espionage, extortion, counterfeiting, smuggling, and assault with a deadly weapon." " How do you plead, sir?" " Oh, I'm guilty, sir." "No question about it." "Well, then it is my duty to inform you that this court finds you... ( harp music playing )" " ...not guilty." " ( crowd cheering )" "Funny." "I'm beginning to like him already." " Like him?" "I love him." " That's just from hearing his name." "You've never even met him yet." "You're responding that way just from hearing that wonderful, delightful, adorable man's name" "I'm doing it myself." "Do you think KAOS will send for..." "you-know-who?" "They already have." "He arrives in Washington today." "Now, Max, I want you to go back to the coffee shop at the bus terminal." "That seems to be KAOS's contact point." "What does he look like, Chief?" "We don't have any pictures of him available." " How will I know him?" " You'll recognize him because the minute he walks into that coffee shop, no matter how crowded it is, they'll seat him immediately." "They'll wait on him first, and when he goes to pay his check, the cashier will refuse to take his money." "You want me to arrest him then?" "No, Max, I don't want you to arrest him then." "Well, I'm certainly not gonna pay his check." "Max, I don't want you to do anything." "I want you to observe him until a KAOS agent contacts him." "Then they'll leave and you'll follow them." "He'll undoubtedly be escorting Simon to KAOS's headquarters." "( phone ringing )" "Yes?" "Excellent." "Yes, I will arrange it so that Simon the Likable gets here to our new secret headquarters without being followed." "What's the rendezvous point?" "The coffee shop at the bus terminal." "Shall I tell Finster to meet the contact" " and escort him here?" " No." "We can't take the chance of using any of our agents to meet him." "CONTROL knows what all our men look like." "Then how will we get Simon the Likable here?" "He doesn't know our new location." "It has already been arranged." "Simon has been told to hang his coat on the fourth coat hook in the coffee shop." "Man over P.A.:" "Bus from El Paso now arriving at gate 4." "Please sit." "Oh, hold your horses, will you?" "Hello." "Would you like a menu?" "That won't be necessary." "All I would like is a cup of coffee." "( giggles ) I get off at 3:00." "Oh, I'm sorry, I'm busy this afternoon." "Maybe some other time." "There won't be another time." "I'm gonna kill myself." "Oh, don't do that." "Okay, whatever you say." "Woman over PA:" "Passengers are now requested to board bus 12 for Chattanooga." "Passengers are requested to board bus 12 for Chattanooga, Tennessee." "Please be on time." "What'll it be, fella?" "Uh, just a cup of coffee, please." "Thank you very much." " Would you mind passing the sugar?" " Certainly." "I'm terribly sorry." "Oh, that's quite all right." "I was a little chilly anyway." "Bus to Wichita now arriving at gate 2." "Bus to Wichita now arriving." "Woman on P.A.:" "Maxwell Smart." "Telephone call for Maxwell Smart." "That's for me, miss." "Oh, you can take it right there, sir." "Thank you." "Hello, this is Maxwell Smart." "You have a call for me?" " Hello?" " Max, the pains have started." "I had the first one 15 minutes ago, and I just got the second one." "Oh, that's great, sweetheart!" "Now don't worry." "Just relax and don't panic." "I'll be there in less than 10 minutes." "Uh, miss..." "Here you are." "That'll cover that." "My baby is gonna give birth any minute." "Last call for the Newark bus leaving from gate 4." "Waitress, my check, please." "Oh, he already took care of it." "Oh no, no, that's been taken care of too." "He also left you the tip?" "I left me the tip." " Oh!" " The pains are coming every 12 minutes now, 99." "Don't worry, I'll have you at the hospital in five minutes." "Don't rush, Max." "Here." "Here's the map." " Direct me." " Okay." "We're coming to Spring Street again." "Now tell me which way I go, right or left?" "I don't want to make the same goof I made last time." " You go straight." " Straight?" "That's what the map says." "If that's what the map says, then straight it is." "What's keeping Simon?" "I slipped the map right inside his coat pocket." "He should have been here by now." "Max, what a lovely hospital." "It always takes Simon the Likable a little bit longer to go someplace than the average person." "Yeah?" "Why is that?" "Because people stop him to shake his hand, embrace him, kiss him." " What's wrong?" " Outside in the hall" "Maxwell Smart and his wife." "CONTROL must be onto us." "Wait." "How could CONTROL know about our new secret headquarters so quickly?" " Did he say why they're here?" " Yes." "He wants to check his wife in." "She's about to give birth." "That could be a CONTROL trick." "On the other hand... we must make sure." "Should I go out and take care of them?" "First, let's find out how much they know." "Hayakawa, show them in." "So the only person you were expecting to join you here will be your mother?" "Yes, her mother." "And a gentleman named Harold Clark." "Yes, Harold Clark." "Who's Harold Clark?" " Your boss, dear." " Oh, of course, the Chief." "Your boss is a chief?" "Yes, Chief Clark." "He's part Indian and part Clark." "We called them just before we left the house and they said they'd meet us here at the maternity hospital." " Maternity hospital?" " Of course, the maternity hospital." "Where else would we tell them to come?" "And why are we sitting around here talking about unimportant things when my wife is about to have a baby any minute?" " ( moans )" " You see there?" "We're getting her room ready now, Mr. Smart." "This is ridiculous." "This is absolutely ridiculous!" "Do you know it took me less than nine minutes to come here to this hospital, and now it's taking me over 15 minutes to register?" "If I had known it was gonna take that long," "I never would have bothered to make a map." "Map?" "What map?" "A map I made to get us here in the shortest possible time." "I'll see if your room is ready." "Excuse me." "Nurse, come with me, please." "What do you think?" "Obviously, Smart came here by mistake." "He must have gotten his map mixed up with Simon's at the coffee shop." "Then Simon must be at the maternity hospital." "Right." "I'll have to contact him there." "What about them?" "They must be disposed of." "There's something strange about this place, Max" "Dr. Kruger and that nurse." "And where's Dr. Baker?" "I called his office just before I phoned you at the bus terminal, and he said we'd be here when we got here." "Don't worry, 99, he'll be here in plenty of time." "Where's my mother and the chief?" "They should be here by now." "( door opens )" "Mrs. Smart, if you'll come with me... your room is ready." "Good luck, darling." "I'll be waiting." "Thank you." "Well, Doctor, I'll just wait out in the waiting room." " I know you have a lot of work to do." " No." "You'll be much more comfortable in here." "Oh, well, thank you very much." "I'll just help myself to a book and relax for a little while." "Should I get undressed now?" "In a moment, but first I want to give you something to relax you." "( theme music playing )"