"# When my bud and me made Heaven" "# We didn't like it too much" "# Too many things you couldn't do, too many things you couldn't touch" "# Some angel handed us a pen" "# He gave my bud and me a broom" "# We swept it up so it looked just like my rich old aunt's best room" "# Build us a road, Mr Someone" "# Mr Someone, dig us a road now" "# Fix up some Chinese passports" "# For we want out of Heaven into Hell" "# Think of us when we've gone, Mr Someone" "# Hand us a route through the sky" "# And while you're at it roll a joint 'cause it's the one safe way to fly" "# Fix us some Chinese passports" "# Let the grass grow through the floor" "# The nuns can die of hunger" "# 'Cause we ain't coming back here any more" "# Get us in bed, Mr Someone" "# Fill us with morphine and sin" "# Keep us from slugs who do their best" "# 'Cause we hate people who win #" "More than 60 people were killed on the roads over the Bank Holiday period." "Stop fiddling." ""Remote control", they call it." "Japanese rubbish." "NARRATOR:" "On the same day as Dad brought his armchair channel selector, he drew his life savings, £400, out of the Post Office." "Ah, this damn thing's useless." "Well, mind the polish." "The 400 was for Mavis to put down on a house, or, as the saying goes, a home of her own." "Lifetime's honest work your father's done, look at him." "Forty years and never missed a day." "Dad's loan to his daughter was a great sacrifice, a fact he wasn't slow to mention." "When I was his age, I had £50 in the bank and I'd never been to a cinema in my life." "NEWSCASTER:" "The aircraft, a Boeing 707, carrying 87 sun-loving passengers, crashed in flames onto a kindergarten near Saint-Tropez." "I hope Emmy's all right." "You shouldn't send her out." "There's sex maniacs everywhere." "I'd have them all put to sleep." "She's at their favourite age." "Mavis took after her mother." "It was she who found the house and spoke to the agent." "And it was she who persuaded Dad to lend her and Arthur, her husband, the money." "Well, aren't you going to open it?" "Arthur will." "There was no doubt in Mavis's mind about Arthur." "He was her husband and therefore she loved him." "She found the house, but it was Arthur, the man of the new home, who would go down to buy it." "He's not my idea of a man." "We all know what your idea of a man is." "Mum liked Arthur but she didn't think he was serious enough." ""He's a dreamer, "she'd say." "However, she and Mavis agreed, though Dad had his reservations, that when Arthur became a property owner and had his own garden to look after, his tendency to dream would soon be put to a stop." "Anyway, there's other considerations." ""Respect." ""To live in a place with easy access to the shopping centres," ""securely based in a house with hardwood block floors," ""copper piping," ""the walls snugly lined with Canadian pinewood" ""interspersed with hessian panels," ""a vinyl kitchen floor carrying its own underlay" ""and one living area," ""used as an artfully adapted combination." ""Study, spare bedroom," ""studio, play space," ""dining alcove," ""tool shed, garage, den," ""fitted carpets from wall to draught-proof wall," ""Dainty Maid kitchen fittings." ""Longview, Furley," ""Torremolinos," ""Seaview, High Point," ""Portofino."" "# We are the little investors" "# We are the decent people" "# We have spent our lives working" "# We have paid our taxes" "# We are the little investors" "# We are the ones who worry" "# We are the middle and the lower middle classes" "# We are the ones who die in road accidents" "# We are frightened of Negroes, Jews, intellectuals" "# And sex maniacs" "# We are boring" "# It is easy to mock us" "# But what would you put in our place?" "# We are obedient, politicians love us" "# We are thrifty, we are true" "# We are the image of people like you #" "MAVIS:" "Hold up your mouth." "Butter on you..." "MUM:" "Does he know the address?" "MAVIS:" "Just give him the money." "It's all very well to say "just give him the money" but who worked for it?" "Who saved and saved all his life for it?" "MUM:" "Can't do better than houses." "This is a country of homeowners." "As long as he gets a signed receipt." "That's right." "Make sure you get that receipt." "A signed receipt." "Well, here's the money." "It's all there." "Yes, thanks." "It represents their lives, Arthur." "Yes." "We've never had a holiday abroad." "No." "Will our house have big rooms, Dad?" "You need to go to the biggest room in the world, my girl, room for improvement." "When you lock your own front door behind you, Arthur, you know where you are." "Secure." "Don't do that with your knickers, I told you that before." "They're tight." "Don't forget that receipt." "Oh, no." "No." "Here's your coat." "Uh, Dad..." "Come on." "MUM:" "What are you taking her for?" "What's he taking her for?" "MAVIS:" "Let her go if she wants to, Mum." "They're alike as two peas in a pod." "Come here." "This button's nearly off." "You've got the address?" "Yeah." "The quickest way is through the gasworks." "Oh yes, yes, okay." "Don't lose the money." "No." "Kiss Gran goodbye." "Not a very kissy family, are they?" "DAD:" "Hey, mind the roses." "I won't be long." "MAVIS:" "Good luck!" "DAD:" "Good luck!" "Bye." "MAVIS:" "And put your foot down." "# We are not very likeable" "# We are not easy to like" "# We work in great cities" "# We are waiting patiently to die" "# Because we are desperate for security" "# How easy it is to cheat us" "# We own our own homes" "# How easy it is to cheat us" "# And soon the darkness will cover us" "# And we are also covered by insurance" "# How easy it is to dislike us" "# To tell the truth" "# We do not care greatly for ourselves #" "Dad, what's the new house called?" "What did you say?" "What's the new house called?" "I don't think it's got a name at the moment." "Oh, can we call it Ameline?" "Ameline?" "Yeah." "Oh." "Is it very big?" "Oh, no, I don't think it's all that big." "Well, it doesn't need to be all that big, does it, really?" "No." "Hey, hang on a minute, Dad." "I'm sorry, I can't help it." "See, I've got longer legs than you." "Right, Dad." "Yeah, long spidery legs, you see." "No, you're a little man, Dad." "You take three to my one." "...there's a girl next door." "It's just down there, through the gasworks." "Not so fast." "We should really get there, I suppose." "MAN 1:" "The gasworks have been here about 90 years." "This particular works, a little less, about 85." "It's the different waste material that we've had to get rid of over the years." "Careful, Emmy, come on." "It's a nice place, this, isn't it?" "It's like a playground." "Yeah, huge." "All right, up we go." "Up this, love." "I hope your socks don't get too wet." "MAN 1:" "We have a number of schemes." "We were going to flatten it." "We were going to pay somebody to take it away and drop it into ballast holes or other disused pits." "But the cost is so great that, for the moment, we're leaving it as it is." "You can see the whole of the city quite well, and looking out across to North London, you can see Hampstead Heath and Alexandra Palace, whereas to the north you can see the whole stretch of Epping Forest," "Hainault Forest, across to the northeast, out beyond Romford to Noak Hill and Brentwood." "The other day she got the slipper for flicking ink." "She got the slipper for flicking ink?" "Yeah, it's easy." "You make a pellet, you stick it in the ink, put it on an elastic band and wow!" "Well, the teacher will love her for that." "She did." "What'd she do that for?" "For fun." "MAN 2:" "I do recollect during the war, when the barrage balloons were moved down to the coast to stop the doodlebugs coming in, that we could see, from up here, the range of balloons right down on the south coast." "You know, once upon a time, there was a big black knight on a big white horse." "And this big black knight on the big white horse, he heard about this beautiful princess who lived in a tower." "MAN 2:" "Perhaps in the end, when it's all cleared away, it will return to the old rhubarb fields which were here before the works was built." "He said, "Now, I've done the bravest thing in the world."" "He said, "I've killed the biggest dragon that there is." ""Twelve heads in that basket, take it up to the princess." ""That proves that I've done a brave thing."" "The dwarf says, "I'm afraid that's not good enough."" "MAN 1:" "In actual fact, nothing has been deposited here for the last 20 years." "And he rips out his sword," "and he chops off his left ear." "Ooh!" "Now, he gets hold of his left ear and he puts it in a golden casket and he says," ""Look here, you take that up to the princess."" "So the dwarf gets hold of it, and goes up the stairs, up and up and up and round and round and round, comes up to the princess, gives her the golden casket." "Now, as the princess takes the golden casket, she opens it up and she looks inside and she says," ""Coo, whose is this ear here?"" "Is that the end?" "Well, don't you think that's funny?" "No." "(ARTHUR LAUGHS)" "(LAUGHING) I get it now." "(SCREAMS)" "Oh!" "(BOTH LAUGHING)" "Don't!" "Quasimodo is after you!" "Come here." "(IMITATING MONSTER) -(SCREAMING)" "Gotcha!" "(SCREAMING)" "(BOTH LAUGHING)" "Oh, I've dropped the money somewhere." "You haven't!" "Oh, well, you'd better go that way." "What'll Granddad say?" "And I'll go over there." "I've got it!" "Dad, I've got it!" "Good girl." "That'll stop your Gran having ructions, won't it?" "(KINKY DOLLY BY SAMANTHA JONES PLAYING ON RADIO)" "# Kinky dolly, kinky boy" "# Dig each other in corduroy" "# Life goes quickly, love is dead" "# Moon turns yellow, sun turns red" "CHORUS: # Kinky dolly, kinky dolly" "# Kinky dolly in the sun" "# Kinky dolly bird chewing gum" "# Life goes easy, love is new" "# Moon turns purple, sun turns blue" "CHORUS: # Kinky dolly, kinky dolly" "# Old is only won that way" "# Old will always win the day" "# Old will finish you and me" "# Kinky dolly" "# Kinky dolly lost her sleep" "# Kinky dolly was counting sheep" "# Moon turns yellow, sun turns red" "# Kinky dolly just stays in bed" "CHORUS: # Kinky dolly, kinky dolly" "What was the princess's name?" "Uh, Princess Leitha." "How do you know?" "Well, I got told by me grandmother, you see." "She knew her." "She was her next-door neighbour." "MAN 2:" "Four-inch pipes are mainly conveying creosote oils and things like that, also sulphuric acid and ammoniacal liquor." "MAN 1:" "There's a great number of the pipes are carrying steam, and they look larger than they really are because they're lagged to keep up the temperature of the steam." "MAN 2:" "This works was rather the model for nationalisation of the gas industry, in a way." "The old Gas Light and Coke Company was the model on which the nationalised industry was built." "We've got quite a bit of junk here, haven't we?" ""Dear Lucy, so sorry to hear your being so ill." ""Never mind, dear." "I do hope you'll be soon..." ""well, to see us all." "Love, Daisy."" "(DISTANT HAMMERING)" "Here you are, Emmy." "Look." "A bird box." "What's that?" "It's a bird box." "They must have had a bird here." "Here you are, catch." "(MEN HAMMERING AND CHATTING NEARBY)" "(WHISTLING)" "How much do you reckon they'd ask for one of these?" "About 2,000, 2,500?" "You're about a thousand short." "Yeah, over 3,000 quid?" "Probably about eight and a half by the time you've finished." "Oh, yeah, but..." "What?" "About eight and a half by the time you're finished." "They're the ones." "Who gets all the lolly..." "Yeah." "...is what I want to know?" "Eight is a lot for one of these, I think." ""Yesterday the police arrested a man in Kensington Gardens." ""He was naked," ""and shouted at the passersby, 'I am the economic situation!"'" "I'm the agent." "Oh, just the man..." "I've got it here." "Oh!" "No hurry." "Take your time." "Always look before you leap." "Stick 'em up." "(LAUGHS)" "Pretty little girl." "Name?" "Emmy." "So, are you going to enjoy living in your new home?" "Yes." "Yes." "Well now, before we finalise anything as final as the preliminary contract, you'll want to view this charming family residence." "Oh, but a receipt's good enough." "Merely by dealing through us, you will have assured yourself against restrictive covenants, demolition orders, details of controlled tenancies, possibilities of compulsory acquisition, and terms of open contract." "This is the hall." "No cramping here, as you can see." "Even retained some of the original features." "And, of course, giving easy access..." "After you." "...into the spacious ground floor living accommodation." "Two elegant rooms, reminiscent of the brothers Laybourne, themselves pupils of the divine Adams." "So much better than these pesky little glass tombs people are expected to inhabit nowadays, don't you agree?" "Well, uh..." "(KNOCKING ON DOOR)" "Excuse me." "(WHISPERING) Have we got it?" "Oh, good morning." "Good morning." "AGENT:" "Mr and Mrs Thurloe." "And young Mr Mark." "Sir." "You're naughty, you know." "Very naughty." "I told you to get here in an hour's time." "Well, let me introduce you to the gentleman who's first on our waiting list." "Mr and Mrs Thurloe." "How do?" "And young Mr Mark." "Well, now you are here, we might as well all view together." "(LAUGHS) The more the merrier." "Oh, I like that staircase, don't you, darling?" "Oh, yes." "I thought you would somehow." "Let's have a closer look, shall we?" "Of course, it'll need stripping." "Well, yes, it will need stripping." "There's quite a lot of things to do... (BOTH CONTINUE SPEAKING, INDISTINCT)" "Your father hasn't got much hair, has he?" "Cheeky thing." "MRS THURLOE:" "Isn't this a splendid little landing?" "AGENT:" "Isn't it?" "They certainly knew what they were up to, these builders." "MRS THURLOE: (LAUGHS) Yes." "Of course, what I would love to do is to get rid of all this wall and have a great big window." "Yes..." "Yes, well..." "It has been done, of course, on some of the other properties." "MRS THURLOE:" "Really, has it?" "AGENT:" "I think they found a little bit of trouble structurally, but if you're really interested in it, I could get you a very good bloke, actually, an old school friend of mine." "Oh, well, what does he do?" "Well, an architect." "He'd tell you..." "Oh, I see." "Well, we have got a great friend of our own." "He's an architect, yes." "Yes, of course." "AGENT:" "Would give it more light here." "MRS THURLOE:" "Yes, it would, and wouldn't it be marvellous to knock down the walls and have one great, big room at the top of the house?" "If we say we did, then, go to Saturday morning pictures, we could go in the back seats, and I'll tell you what," "I'd get you a couple of lollies." "You know, them real nice ones, you know." "Tutti frutti or something." "This would be the main bedroom." "Ah, the master bedroom." "AGENT:" "Not a great deal of sun in the morning but..." "Good show by West Ham." "Hmm?" "Last night, West Ham." "Good show." "Oh, yes." "Bet you won't even be a prime minister." "I hope so." "This is the nursery." "MR THURLOE:" "Ah, it's..." "It's a bit close to our room, isn't it?" "Why, darling?" "Well, um..." "The noises." "(GIGGLES) You are a couple of old fuddy-duddies." "We're great friends of the liberal candidate, you know, Mr Jones." "Oh, really?" "Oh, yes." "We'll have to try and find you some liberal neighbours." "Oh, that would be very nice." "Shall we go on up?" "Well, I suppose you can always get it soundproofed." "Look, for God's sake, buy it." "You what?" "I hate it." "I couldn't afford it." "I'm still young." "I got a good degree." "I started a novel." "I worked on a newspaper, nobody wanted the novel, I tried to kill myself." "Oh my!" "It didn't work." "I got myself analysed and then married." "I buy The Times and read the Express." "Ashamed of my parents." "I've 2,000 a year." "A mini car." "A mini flat decorated with Victorian knick-knacks from the Portobello Road." "And I'm chained to that beautiful, boneheaded cow and my loathsome son." "I'm desperate." "I see." "For God's sweet sake, save me." "I must say, it's got lots of big, pleasant features." "Well, I..." "The original doors..." "Yes, yes." "Yes, I think I'd strip those because I expect they're real pine." "Marvellous, yes." "Get a sort of cottagey feeling almost." "Yes." "Come on, only for a nip." "Come on." "No." "Oh, I knew all women are like that." "Um, when they come down, you take the missus away, take her away somewhere, take her down below and I'll get hold of the agent, bring him in here, we'll have a chat." "Now, I've got 400 quid here, see..." "Yes, I mean, that house in Chelsea, we'd pay a fortune for it." "Well, at least another 5,000." "I'll take her out for a drink and I'll pretend that I'm keen on it..." "Calm yourself down, lad." "Calm yourself down." "Yes, all right." "And if it gets too rough for you, sling your hook, get away from it." "Because you're a long time dead." "Easier said than done." "I do find these houses fascinating." "I'll just speak to my husband." "Darling..." "MR THURLOE:" "Darling, look..." "ARTHUR:" "I wonder if I could have a word with you?" "AGENT:" "Oh, yes." "Well, there's..." "Have you got a letter from the bank?" "Well, no, I'm afraid not." "Ah." "Uh, this is a letter from the bank." "Oh, thank you." "Thank you." "Well, perhaps you could show me a letter from your insurance broker." "Insurance broker?" "No, I'm afraid not." "I've got a union card, if that's of any use." "I appreciate your views, but not quite what I meant." "No, perhaps you could show me something from the building society?" "No?" "No, it's one thing after another, isn't it?" "Well, you're first on the list, but..." "This is a letter from The Friendly Alliance." "Oh, thank you." "Thank you, Mr Thurloe." "Well, look..." "I'm sorry." "Personally, of course, I trust you, but I'm not a free agent." "And Mr and Mrs Thurloe do have the necessary security." "(CHUCKLES) Well, never mind." "Sorry, mate." "(EXCLAIMING)" "Mark!" "Mr and Mrs Thurloe, the house is yours." "(ALL CHEERING)" "AGENT:" "Neighbours, homeowners, open your ears." "This lady and gentleman have just entered into the most solemn contract acknowledged by our civilisation." "They have become homeowners." "(ALL CHEERING)" "Your neighbour." "And this gentleman has just suffered the greatest disappointment, that of not becoming a homeowner, with fortitude and resolution." "Many are called but few are chosen." "(SINGING INAUDIBLE)" "# Going home again" "CHORUS: # It's so nice to be going home again" "# Home to those who love you" "CHORUS: # How they all love you" "# Going home again" "CHORUS: # And your heart says you'll never roam again" "# And if skies above you are grey" "# You don't care" "# You can say" "CHORUS: # Go ahead and say it" "# Home is where they love you rain or shine" "CHORUS: # Home is where they love you" "(INAUDIBLE)" "CHORUS: # Home is where they love you" "# Going home again" "CHORUS: # It's so nice to be going home again" "# Home to those who need you" "CHORUS: # How they all need you" "# Going home again" "CHORUS: # And your heart says you'll never roam again" "# What if raindrops lead you" "# That's fine" "# I am his, he is mine" "CHORUS: # You are his and he is yours" "# Home is where they love you" "# Rain or shine #" "You tired?" "Mmm-hmm." "(EXHALES)" "Well, we'll be home soon." "They'll be cooking lunch." "Don't you want to go home?" "I don't know." "NARRATOR:" "And Arthur looked at his daughter and said to himself," ""She'll never have a really good time." ""Champagne, taxis, the south of France." ""Maybe no one will spend a lot of money on her all at one go." ""So I will." "Now. "" "Come on." "Let's go." "Should have been back by now." "MUM:" "He'll take his own sweet time, as usual." "Hmm." "(HUMMING)" "I do wish you'd stop humming that stupid tune, it makes me nervous." "Well, for once you've got something to be nervous about." "MUM:" "I didn't say I was nervous, I said it makes me nervous." "I'm going to look for them." "Oh, you'll miss 'em." "All right, then, I'll miss them." "We'll miss them, then." "All right, then we'll jolly well miss them!" "Where are we going, Dad?" "To the West End." "Why?" "Going to spend." "NARRATOR:" "And so they made their way towards the west, to the great temples of spending." "These temples, the cornerstones of democracy, were open to all." "They were warm, beautiful and comforting." "They were called "the big stores"." "There were many of these religious buildings and they were always filled." "In the middle of the winter and after the summer solstice, they held great sales, in which, as in other ancient rituals, the fruit of the year was scattered, saturnalias were held and orgies of spending were permitted." "Wait, hey." "ARTHUR:" "So how would you like some kinky boots?" "EMMY:" "How old-fashioned!" "Maybe we could go to the pictures." "The Red Desert." "Oh!" "Great." "Probably a cowboy picture." "Would you like some sweets?" "Yeah." "Hey, driver, is it all right if she gets out and gets some sweets?" "Yeah, sure, guv." "(HORNS HONKING)" "(HORNS CONTINUE HONKING)" "Noisy lot of bleeders." "Get back to your plough, you berk!" "Can't you see the lights are red, mate?" "I'll swap you for the chocolate." "Here you are." "(HORNS HONKING)" "(SHOUTING, INDISTINCT)" "INTERVIEWER:" "Do you like spending, madam?" "WOMAN:" "Oh, it's lots of fun." "I just wish I had more to spend." "Do you like working?" "WOMAN:" "Yes." "Which is better, spending or working?" "Spending, of course." "Why?" "Well, because you're able to buy things for others, things that you would like to have, and then you share them with others by buying for them." "I see, yes." "That's a nice attitude, yes." "MAN:" "We're using this, uh, point..." "Yes, but hang on." "But I'm sorry, I'm in the middle of an interview which I've got to get through for tonight." "We're trying to film, do you mind getting away?" "INTERVIEWER:" "Well..." "Get the bloody hell out of it!" "INTERVIEWER:" "I've just got to go ahead." "I..." "Let me speak to this little girl." "Now, do you like spending?" "Yes!" "Do you like working?" "No." "What are you going in there to spend money on now?" "Um..." "Oh, a watch!" "A gold one." "Well, I hope you've got plenty of money on you, sir." "Yeah, we've got about 400 quid." "Well, all right, then." "Madam, do you like spending?" "Up to a point." "Do you like working?" "Yes, I do work." "Which is the better, which do you prefer, spending or working?" "I like spending if I've earned the money but you have to earn the money first." "MUM:" "It's your father, he's at the police station." "No, we don't have the number of the notes." "Well, she's taking it very hard." "Yes." "Sending a car round, they'll be here in a minute." "Of course, I told you the first time you brought him home, the very first time, I said," ""He's no good." But did you listen to your mother?" "Oh, no, of course you didn't." ""Just one look at him," I said," ""just one look and you can see he's not to be trusted."" "Because in my opinion, we've kissed that money goodbye." "Oh, Dad, look at that!" "That's all the caviar there, and then there's the different kinds of honeys." "We've got plenty of jars." "And the hall of fruit juice is around this way." "(SHOPPERS CHATTING INDISTINCTLY)" "May I help you, madam?" "Biscuits, please." "Certainly, madam." "Follow me, please." "What a wonderful selection you have." "Thank you, madam." "Now, you like biscuits for tea?" "Yes, what are they?" "Chocolate almond biscuit, it's a very delicious biscuit." "Thin, coated with a bit of chocolate, chopped almonds on the other side." "And also there's Florentines with chopped almonds, peel and cherry on one side with a thin coat of biscuit, coated with chocolate..." "What are those exotic ones... ?" "(SHOP CLERK CONTINUES EXPLAINING BISCUITS, INDISTINCT)" "ARTHUR AND EMMY:" "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10." "And a bottle on top." "Nine and a bottle on top." "Ten." "One, two, three..." ""Formosa Oolong," is that it?" "Five, six, seven, eight..." "No, "Formosa Oolong leaf bag."" ""Exceptional and very rare tea" ""consisting only of the young leaf bud tip" ""on the young stem with two unfolded leaves below it," ""delicate and pale." -(EMMY COUNTING)" "Oh, that's it." "Delicate and pale." "Hey, don't touch, little girl." "Oh, that puts me in mind of my solicitor client." "Not the skinny one?" "Yeah." "He's got a new little game." "Comes in ever so quiet and polite." "Oh, you wouldn't know he had anything in him and he's carrying a big bag." "I don't think they've got the one I want." "It's the size of a golf bag." "What?" "This bag that my solicitor friend comes in with." ""Oh, something special?" I says." ""Have a cigarette," he says." "Well, I took one, though you know I don't smoke." "It's best to fit in, isn't it?" "Yeah..." "Biscuits." "Good morning, sir." "Can I help you?" "Oh, uh, morning." "Um..." "Well, I wonder if you've got something like piccalilli or chutney?" "Well, he sits down, still clutching his parcel." "That golf bag?" "Yeah, and he doesn't say a word." "Ooh." "Silent as a grave." "Give you the shivers!" "Well, I think he's a little bit nervy." "I'm not surprised." "Never know what's inside, do you?" "(BOTH LAUGHING)" "Oh, barbecue puffs." "Have you got anything to take out?" "Something, you know, we can have as we go?" "Oh, hey." "Here, have a look at that." "Salted nuts." "They'll do fine along with those others." "What settlement did she get?" "Oh, she got the usual 5,000, you know." "Good for her." "What's she doing now?" "Well, she's gone back to her mother, actually." "Has she?" "Yes." "Sorry, sir." "(WOMAN SHOUTING)" "(CHILD CRYING)" "WOMAN:" "What are they going to say about me?" "I'm never taking you shopping again!" "I won't!" "Stop screaming." "I'll kill you!" "I'll never take you shopping again!" "Listen, where was I?" "Oh, yes." "Well, there he stood in his birthday suit, thin as a beanpole, and he opens up this parcel." "Not the golf bag?" "Yeah, that's right." "What do you think he takes out?" "What?" "A set of dumbbells." "No!" "Yeah!" "He lifts them up and starts, you know..." "Flexing his muscles?" "Yeah, and posturing, you know, like they do in the magazines." "Oh, yeah, male Adonis." "That's right." "Well, he does the Javelin Thrower..." "Yeah." "...and The Thinker..." "And he said I have to lie on the bed and say," ""Oh, Mr Universe, you're so strong." ""Come and kiss your lovely Miss United Kingdom."" "He must be blind." "Well, that's no worse than you in your nun hat." "Are you enjoying that, madam?" "Very much, thank you." "ARTHUR:" "Could you tell me where the watches are?" "Just down on your right, sir." "We'd like to buy a watch." "A gold one." "I see." "Is the watch for you, sir, or for the young lady?" "Well, this is the Simex slim line, self-winding." "Does it tell the date?" "No, it doesn't." "But the strap is made of pure elephant hair." "What do you think?" "Perhaps we'd better go to another shop, eh?" "Allow me to show you the Super Orflex Time Master." "# Observe it, one piece, clean cut, platinum casing" "# Impossible to stain, rust, corrode" "# A viewing panel made of no ordinary watch glass, no" "# A flawless man-made sapphire dome" "# Edged with quartz" "# Impossible to scratch, break or cloud with age" "# Inside, the revolutionary jewel in ball bearing" "# Mounted movement" "# A technical sensation" "# Placed on 64 Burmese rubies" "# A model of elegance, high precision, ineluctible timekeeping" "# Created by Swiss technicians from a heritage of accuracy" "# Lasting over 300 chronometrical years" "# And may I say" "# On this criterion the rugged delicacy" "# Is unconditionally guaranteed" "# Against any fault in over 600 cities and towns" "# Note the shaft, the automatic wind core" "# No need for manual winding, no!" "# Just sneeze and the main spring gains perfect tension" "# Some may enquire about this winding crown, simple!" "# You'll need it next March 21st when we move into summertime" "# It has a compass, calendar, and fires all day" "# It shows the phases of the moon" "# Waterproof, dustproof, anti-magnetic stopwatch fixtures" "# Centre second sweep hand" "# Luminous numerals etched on its ivory face" "# It has a perpetual date and a built-in alarm" "# The flexible camel strap prevents it slipping up the arm" "# The prototype was subjected to a uniquely rigorous test" "# When Sir Edmund Hillary wore it on the top of Mount Everest" "# The styling is equally suitable for office, club or beach" "# And astronauts on project Apollo are issued with two each" "# It costs 121 pounds, 18 shillings and sevenpence" "# With three spare chromium bracelets and a rubber tube" "# For underwater safaris #" "Yes, we'll have that, um..." "Could you wrap it up?" "Certainly." "Or perhaps she could put it on?" "Of course." "Account or cheque, sir?" "Well, could I pay for it now?" "Of course you can." "Certainly." "Yes." "Here you go." "That's 21 ." "Thank you." "And there's a hundred in there." "Oh." "Wonderful." "Now, I think I've got the odd 18 and sevenpence here." "How convenient." "There you are." "Half a note..." "Thank you." "And two, four, six and six..." "Eighteen..." "Eighteen and seven." "Thank you very much indeed, sir." "Thank you." "Wonderful." "(INAUDIBLE)" "Could she have the elephant hair strap?" "Why, delighted." "Yes." "Uh..." "Uh, yes, here's one with an elephant strap, this will do fine." "Well, how much will that cost me?" "No, nothing at all, sir, no." "On the house?" "Of course, yes." "You've paid a lot of money for this watch." "I'll just...just fit it on." "Yes, well, I think that the young lady will require a new hole." "Has anyone got an awl?" "I've got an upholsterer's needle." "What happened to that pen-knife I bought you in Wiesbaden?" "It's being repaired." "It used to belong to my grandfather, so it may not be very sharp." "It's done the job beautifully." "Ah." "Thank you, ma'am." "Handy things to carry about." "It wasn't Wiesbaden, it was Cologne." "It was Wiesbaden." "Yes." "Well, I enjoyed that." "Yeah." "Nice of that lady to keep the parcels for us." "Mmm." "Yeah." "Well, what now?" "Well, I'm feeling a bit hungry, Dad." "Yeah, so am I." "Let's go up here, see what we can find." "Yeah." "Well, we'll do what we can, ma'am." "The call will go out at once." "I should warn you that unless anything happens to them, you won't get anything for 48 hours." "DAD:" "We'll never see him again." "Don't say that." "You know, I should never have gone to bed with you." "You liked it." "But we want different things." "You know we do." "NARRATOR:" "This is Harry Ottana." "I think about you when you're not there." "Oh, yeah, about 5:00, when you've got" "nothing to do that evening." "Emmy." "I'll kill him!" "Now, suck up." "You want to get to the zoo before it gets dark." "I'll kill him!" "NARRATOR:" "Harry's mind is not on his hamburgers." "It is on his home." "# Land of promise, land of joy" "# Oh, land of future, land of fun" "# Where the antelope and the tiger" "# By silvery waters run" "# Land of coconut and copper" "# Land of mountain and of sea" "# We will fight and die for you" "# Hopeful, happy, wise and free #" "(COUPLE ARGUING)" "I'm sorry." "Yeah, but it's always the same, you always say you're sorry." "Never again." "I promise." "I promise." "Look, I promise." "(INAUDIBLE)" "ALL:" "Oh, look!" "Oh, it's a wedding!" "Oh, look, Dad, isn't she lovely?" "Yeah, she's all right." "EMMY:" "I don't like the bridegroom, he's too skinny." "I'd rather go to a funeral than a wedding." "At least you know where they're going." "Oh, Mum." "Excuse me." "Do you have a light, please?" "Thanks." "Um..." "One and a half, please." "You got an infant with you?" "You what?" "Have you an infant?" "Yeah." "What's your name?" "Who?" "You." "Me?" "Yes." "Name." "Arthur." "Arthur." "Name of the infant." "Uh, Emmy." "Arthur." "Emmy." "I'd be very much obliged if you'd just hang on a moment." "Hey, Dad, what was that all about?" "I don't know." "They've arrived." "Yes." "Okay." "Mmm-hmm." "Right away." "Keeper Bent?" "Right." "Take these two upstairs." "Oh, uh..." "I wonder if I could put these..." "Come along, come along, you two." "Bring the parcel with you." "ARTHUR:" "Yes, but I didn't..." "Please don't ask me where we're going or if you've done anything wrong, because it's not in my power to tell you." "And even if it was, I'm not so sure that I would." "This way, that's right." "Mind the doors." "First left, second right." "We're moving along nicely, now, no trouble at all." "As though you've been doing it all your life." "I've been with animals all my life." "Nothing surprises me." "I live in a nice little house just down the road." "Blue shutters, wall-to-wall carpet and the lot." "In that house I've got a nice little wife, very patient, chaste and a good cook and doesn't talk too much." "And when I get home to my house at night," "I take the key in my hand," "I place it in the door so, and inside the hall there's a mirror." "And beside the mirror there's a hook." "And I take my hat off my hard head, and I hang my hat on the hook." "And smoothing my hair, I look into the mirror and I see myself." "I look very carefully and I say, "Bent, you're a bastard."" "And I am." "(LAUGHS)" "Ah, Keeper Bent." "These are they?" "Yes, Governor." "Stand over there and stop fiddling with your knickers." "You'll be wondering why you've been brought here." "You are about to be given an award." "To the absurd and sentimental habit of keeping animals in a state of enforced peace, my idiotic superiors have added the ridiculous practice of presenting certain children with a gift." "I take it this horrible little girl is your child, sir?" "Oh." "Yes." "Yes." "A little human." "You are the five-millionth savage to enter this unnatural house." "I suppose that so long as humans want to confine specimens of the large, greedy, smelly and generally dangerous creatures they've robbed of their freedom to eat each other, the most logical visitors would be children," "who, though small, are undoubtedly the greediest, smelliest, dirtiest, and most violent type of surviving hominidae." "The only pleasure I find in this ridiculous and useless ceremony is that the gift," "a free trip around the zoo conducted by Keeper Bent, is both cheap and nasty," "and boring." "BENT:" "Are you enjoying the ride?" "Yes, perfectly." "It's like being..." "It's like being on a ship at sea." "If you loved Suzy like I love Suzy..." "An Indian elephant, is she?" "Oh, yes, yes." "You can always tell the Indian elephants, they've got much smaller ears." "Was she born in captivity or..." "Yes, they were all born in captivity." "Well, that's Rodney and Rosie down there." "And they live for about 15 years, you see." "We've had them about five years." "ARTHUR:" "Hey, look." "BENT:" "Zebras down there." "See that one ducking down?" "Hey, Emmy, look!" "(LAUGHING)" "EMMY:" "Look at the zebras, Dad!" "ARTHUR:" "Hey." "BENT:" "They're llamas." "The big ones are..." "The tall ones are high llamas." "How long have you been here, Keeper Bent?" "BENT:" "I've been here about 15 years." "Now, they're wallabies." "They're not kangaroos, they're wallabies." "# The Earth was once an ordinary place" "# A multicoloured marble wrapped in air" "# Bobbing up and down in time and space" "# With fish and flesh and fowl and bone" "# A special kind of zoo" "# Called Paradise" "# Everything was blooming on the outside" "# Everything traditional within" "# Loris grand and delicately pop-eyed" "# We'd rather shed a casual skin" "MAN:" "Dreamy sloths ignored the parrots' tattle." "Rhinoceri were steadfastly archaic." "Occasionally, the lion ate the cattle." "And gloomy octopods went drifting through the lake." "Everything was quiet as a river that is full." "When..." "GIRL: # Give me a bite of that big, red, rosy apple!" "MAN:" "Said Evie after listening to a snake." "# The snake, imagining that he would have a ball" "# Forgot what every beast had driven home" "# Human beings are not really animal" "# They must be absolutely left alone" "# In that special kind of zoo" "# Called Paradise" "# Too late" "# Their chops were crammed with Granny Smith" "# And fish and fowl sent up a groan" "# The snake ignored our bestial advice" "# Humankind have got to share a home" "MAN:" "And when the pair appeared, to be precise, the elephant said, "Goodbye, Paradise."" "# Everything went wrong from that day forward" "# After Evie robbed the apple tree" "MAN:" "Suddenly, a word called "mine" was heard." "And Adam named his club Security." "# Animals have learnt since then that when they meet a man" "# They can choose to finish up in a cage or in a can #" "That's very interesting." "Dad, can I see my elephant's hair?" "Impossible." "Elephants are hairless, elephants have no hair." "Yeah, elephants are bald." "They aren't." "They are." "They aren't." "They are." "They aren't, are they, Dad?" "Now, Emmy, don't be obstreperous." "My watch strap's made out of elephant's hair." "Wire." "Pure wire." "I know where the elephant's hair is." "Where his is." "In his ears." "Keeper Bent has hairy ears." "BENT:" "Well, I can't see them." "ARTHUR:" "No." "EMMY:" "Well, I can!" "I can't." "Where?" "You must be blind!" "Look, there they are!" "Where?" "There's a great big bunch of them!" "Well, let's have another look." "Look!" "I don't know where you're looking." "(EMMY LAUGHING)" "ARTHUR:" "What colour are they?" "EMMY:" "They're grey." "There's bunches of them!" "Well, I suppose we'd better get going." "It's uh, filet de sole bonne femme for me this evening." "Ah." "Emmy!" "Now, come on, Emmy." "No, I don't want to." "ARTHUR:" "Now, Emmy, please." "No, I'm not going without him." "ARTHUR:" "We can't take him, he's not ours." "Oh, but Dad..." "Will you buy him for us?" "ARTHUR:" "You what?" "I can't." "Oh, please!" "He's ever so tame and..." "ARTHUR:" "Now, look, they don't sell elephants here." "Ask Keeper Bent." "I'll bet they do." "(CHUCKLES)" "Well, I must admit it's a bit unusual, Miss." "You see, it's not that we've anything against selling elephants..." "There, what did I tell you, you see?" "Now, one moment, sir." "I always find it best to satisfy the natural curiosity of the younger generation." "It does so happen that the zoo has an excess of elephants at this moment." "Oh, is that so?" "You see, we had a large shipment of army surplus elephants after the last budget." "Cuts and squeezes, you know." "Oh, yes." "And I'm afraid we'll have to dispose of..." "Oh, you don't mean put him to sleep?" "Oh, you mustn't put him to sleep!" "I like him, Miss, but the Governor's a terrible disciplinarian." "Terrible." "Only this morning he said to me, "Bent, weigh the elephants." ""If there's one there under two and a half tonnes," ""into the gas chamber with him!"" "Cor." "Well, I did as I was told and I'm sorry to say, Miss, that..." "EMMY:" "No!" "Two and a quarter." "Two and a quarter tonnes." "Oh, please, Dad." "I'd love you if you would." "Oh, please, just one elephant." "ARTHUR:" "Oh, I don't know." "It'll be put to sleep if you don't." "Yeah, but there's nowhere to keep it, is there?" "I mean, there's no garage." "It'd break the garden path up, tread down all the flowers..." "Please?" "BENT:" "A nice sort, really." "Um, well, I've just been thinking..." "Do you think, uh..." "Well, would you say they are, um..." "Oh, I'm afraid they are." "...expensive?" "Oh, please, Dad." "You've just got to get it." "Yes, but if it's going to be..." "Well, you see, it's the cost of transportation." "We usually ship our redundant elephants to Germany." "They have the experience, you know, in, uh..." "Well, how much will that cost?" "Oh, well, let me see." "There's crating, British Railways Freight Express charge, loading and shipment costs, use of extra-large chamber and..." "Well, that puts a top hat on it." "How much have you got?" "About 200." "That'll cover it." "Oh, Dad, we can get it!" "We can buy it and it won't go to sleep!" "Oh, please buy it, Dad!" "I'll tell you what I'll do." "A hundred down and a hundred to pay, you can take him away now." "Sounds like a bargain." "It's a small price to pay for a big elephant, Dad." "Done?" "Done!" "Oh, but, um..." "Oh, you'll never regret it, sir." "Go ahead." "No need to check it, I have absolute confidence in you." "Well, the only thing is the parcels down at the main gate." "Oh, don't worry about those." "I'll have the lad to meet you outside on the main road with them." "Fine!" "Well, we're all fixed up!" "Get up there!" "Hey, what does it eat?" "Oh, anything." "Hay mixed with a few household scraps." "Just keep it happy." "They're like humans, really." "Just give it plenty of love." "You'll manage." "Look at that elephant." "Oh, look at that." "Cor!" "(SCOOTER ENGINE REVVING)" "# From the faded days of Glasgow" "# To the depths of outer space" "# What species has progressed so far" "# As the mighty human race" "# And the animals cooperate" "# Immense progressive feats" "# The stronger ones he puts to work" "# The weaker ones he eats" "# On the right-hand side there's enterprise" "# On the left, a five-year plan" "# Marching onward through the universe" "# To the brotherhood of man #" "(ALL EXCLAIMING JOYOUSLY)" "(SYMPHONIC MUSIC PLAYING)" "(BOSSA NOVA JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)" "(KINKYDOLLYPLAYING)" "Hey!" "Hey!" "(ALL CHEERING)" "(POP SONGS PLAYING ON RADIO)" "Yeah, we were sitting next to this couple, these two young...pretty couple and they were having an argument." "She said..." "She didn't." "She did!" "And she ran out, and then when we went outside after we'd finished eating, and after they had sung this song, they were standing out there kissing." "Ah, well, they made it up, then." "Yeah." "(ALL CHEERING)" "Quiet!" "Quiet, everyone!" "Listen, who wants to hear Lily sing?" "ALL:" "Me!" "ARTHUR:" "Go on, then, Lil!" "Give us a song!" "MAN:" "Give us a song!" "Come on, Lil!" "Give us a song!" "(ALL CHEERING)" "(POP MUSIC PLAYING)" "# Why walk when you can ride?" "# Why talk when you can sing?" "# Why work when you can scam?" "# Why sit when you can swing?" "# Why aim when you can drift?" "# Why kiss when you can cling?" "# Why stay when you can go?" "# Why sit when you can swing?" "# Kama Sutra, Kama Sutra" "# Long is yes, long is why, long is no" "# Holy Father, Reverend Mother" "# When the music's good I don't care where I go" "# Nothing lasts happily There is no history" "# Why save when you can spend?" "# Why pray when you can sin?" "# Why steer when you can drift?" "# Why sit when you can swing?" "# Why sit when you can swing?" "# When you can swing" "# Swing" "I'm going to take off my jacket." "(LILY WHOOPING)" "# Kama Sutra, Kama Sutra" "# Long is yes, long is why, long is no" "# Holy Father, Reverend Mother" "# When the music's good I don't care where I go" "# Nothing lasts happily There is no history" "# Why save when you can spend?" "# Why pray when you can sin?" "# Why steer when you can drift?" "# Why sit when you can swing?" "# Why sit when you can swing?" "# When you can swing" "# Swing #" "ARTHUR:" "I don't need money." "No, Dad, please." "Please, don't, Dad." "Please!" "Stop it, Dad!" "Please, you're making a fool of yourself!" "Oh, stop it!" "Please, Dad!" "(MUSIC STOPS)" "MAN:" "You're nuts, mate." "WOMAN:" "That kid shouldn't be with him, for a start." "It's a downright disgrace." "I want to go home, Dad." "I'm tired." "I want to go home." "I want Mum." "I want to go home." "Please, come on." "You coming?" "Mmm-mmm." "I can find you a kip for the night." "(BOAT ENGINE CHUGGING)" "You're not coming in here again, you know." "What have you done with my dad's money?" "You swine." "My God." "Come here, you." "(MUM CHATTERING, INDISTINCT)" "(INAUDIBLE)" "DAD:" "He's not my idea of a man." "MAVIS: "The walls snugly lined with Canadian pinewood" ""interspersed with hessian panels. "" "MUM:" "He's man enough for you to take our life savings." "DAD:" "We'll never see him again." "MUM:" "Of course, I told you the first time you brought him home, the very first time, I said," ""He's no good. " But did you listen to your mother?" "Oh, no, of course you didn't." "DAD:" "When you lock your own front door behind you, Arthur, you know where you are."