"It's about a jumper." "I've seen the future." " And I think it might be your future." " This isn't a good time." " There's someone inside of there?" " Yeah." "His name's Mark." "Fuck the tortoise, Alex." "It's a no." "If you want to be with me, then we have to tell Finn." "I know, but isn't there like a middle ground, where we just..." "where we don't tell him?" "It's a support group for terminally ill young people." "I'm one of their care assistants." "Hang on." "Terminally... ill?" "So, they're dying?" "No, no, no, no, no, no." "As in the other kind of terminally ill, where people live happily ever after." "Twat." "We just try and make their last few months here..." "Makes you think, doesn't it?" " Oh, mate." " About what?" " Lunch." " Mm." "Whether or not to have pizza or kebab." "We just thought that you might like to spend some time with them and..." "Um... right, OK, here we go." "You're going to die, and it's your last supper." "What will you choose?" " Ooh." " Easy." " Go on." "Uh-huh?" "All-you-can-eat buffet." " Ah, that's very nice." " Italian." " Mm." "Chinese, Mexican, Indian, Jamaican." "Big fuck-off plates, just, "Up yours, Grim Reaper." I'd go up for seconds." "Do you know what?" "Are you doing them a buffet?" "Yeah, do them a buff..." "Where did she go?" "I don't know, but that is really rude." "We should probably go in before they start dying." "Yeah." "What's going on?" "You all right?" "Obviously not, like." "Checkmate." "You twat!" "You've got..." "you've got to laugh, haven't you?" "Laugh in the face of death." "Cos death's a prick." "Prick." " Another match?" " Mm-hm." "Skin cancer." "Oh?" "Oh." "Oh." "You want to know what's killing me, but you don't want to ask." "Mm-hm." "How long have you known about it?" "I mean..." "Erm... around 18 months." "The doctors kept telling me, um..." "they can operate." "They can treat it." "And then one day, they turn around and they're like, "Well, actually, Lucas, you're fucking gonna die."" "All these fucking doctors, man, they're just full of shit." "Jesus Christ, man." "Honest to God, it just..." "Fucking hell, it sucks cock." "It really does, man." "I'm so sorry for you." "I..." "It's like I can feel the life being drained out of me, and I've got these counsellors telling me that I should just accept it." " Mm." " Fuck them." "I..." "I don't deserve this." "I should be out with mates, getting... getting drunk and fucking girls and..." "I feel your pain, man." "Oh!" "Jesus Christ!" "Yeah!" "That..." "Decafecate!" " Er... that's not a word." " Fucking is a word." ""Decafecate" - to evacuate one's bowels after a triple espresso." "I decafecated just this morning in Starbucks, all over." "Yeah, well, I'm looking it up." "Well, do look it up, man." "It's on YouTube." "Video's got 30,000 hits and counting." "Can I get some?" "Yeah." "Mm-hm." "Where are you going?" "To church." " Now?" " Yes." "Yes, now, because I'll tell you why, Finlay, because the Lord he giveth, don't he?" "And then, well, he taketh away, taketh away what he's giveth, and I'm off to fucking church to getteth it back." "Oh, shit." "Oh, shit." " What?" " Er... nothing, nothing." "What's going on?" "Er... just..." "I'm just..." "I'm teasing you." "Driving you sexually wild, eh, aren't I?" "There's my penis, gone!" "Sorry." "Denied!" "I'm not really sure it's doing it for me, so..." "You are just consumed with lust." "Ah, you're beautiful." "Jesus Christ." "Fucking bastard." "What the frigging hell are you playing at, eh?" "Dude, I am..." "I'm talking to you!" "You're fucking hanging there, as soft as an overripe peach." "God, just..." "I have no idea what this is all about, dude, but you got to sort yourself out, or me and you are going to have a fucking really serious falling out!" "Christ sake!" "Look at you." "Dick." "All right, mate?" "You all right?" "All right?" "It's medicinal." "Special Brew?" "I thought you had lung cancer." "Ah." "All right, look, you can't tell anyone." "I've got a good thing going here, yeah?" "I'm not really dying." "I'm faking it." "Why would you do that?" "For the pussy." "Seriously?" "Yeah." "Shave your hair off." "Lay on some big sob story about how scared you are." ""I just want to live."" "And their knickers are hitting the floor faster than you can say, "Six rounds of chemotherapy."" "I'm telling you, mate, it's like the mother of all charity fucks." "Tell me everything." "Here he is, this guy with his new jeans." "They fit in all the right places." "Yeah, cheers, mate." "I thought I'd treat myself." "My nana gave us 200 quid." " Really?" " Uh-huh." " Good old Nana." " Yeah." "200 quid." "Can you lend me 20 quid?" "It's just that I'm absolutely skint." "Mate, I'd love to, but I can't." "You've just said your nan gave you 200 quid." "Sorry, mate." "What I meant was I'd..." "I'd love to help you, but I won't." " Thanks." "Thanks, mate." " Not a problem." " No?" " No." "You prick." " Ab?" " Yeah." " Fancy buying me a drink?" " Oh, no, I can't." "Me and Mark are going to the cinema." "Aren't we, mate?" "He's a big Tom Hanks fan, this one." " See you." " OK, yeah." "Oh, shit." "You all right there?" "I dropped my keys in the lake." "I know you, don't I?" "I come in the bar sometimes." "We live in the same block." "You've come on to me twice." "Have we..." "No." "I knocked you back both times." " Really?" "Wow." " Look." "You couldn't do me a huge favour and go in there and get my keys for me?" "You go in there and get them." "I'm terrified of water." "I..." "I know it's ridiculous." "I've got a phobia." "Do you know what?" "I'd love to help you, but... new jeans." "Please." "I can't go in there." "I can't swim." "You'll be fine." "It's like two feet deep." " Well, thanks for nothing." " It's not my problem." "You OK?" "It's not fucking fair." "What?" "Oh, right, yeah." "Yeah, so... so unfair." "What can you do?" "What if you didn't have to accept it, didn't have to die?" "What if there was something you could do?" "Well, you'd have to do it." "Whatever it took." "You owe it to yourself." "Anyway." "Wait." "What?" "Will you hold me?" "Me?" "Really?" "Oh, yeah." "Sure... sure, I can..." "I can do that." "You feel so alive." "You look like you're feeling better." "Sorry?" "What was that?" "You look better." "Oh, erm... yeah." "It, erm... it comes and goes." "I try and stay strong." " Yeah." " I do, but it's hard." "It's just hard when you know you haven't got much time." "Yeah." "But, I mean, I hope you don't mind me asking, but what is it you're dying of?" "AIDS." "No, no, not..." "Ahem!" "Not AIDS AIDS." "It's like HI..." "Cancer." "Nothing that you catch by having sex with me." "Just wanted to let you know." "Found my keys." "Oh, right." "Nice one." "I was in there." "I fell over." "I nearly drowned." "Do you know what it's like, choking on foul, shitty water?" "And this is all my fault how exactly?" "You should have helped me." "New jeans?" "All right." "Don't make me out to be the bad guy." "I didn't do anything." "That's right." "You didn't do anything." "Well, there's no law that says you have to help people." "What?" "I put a Gypsy curse on you." "Right, yeah." "Course you did." "Look, the very least that you can do is help me out and drive me home." "I'm working, so..." "Every time you refuse to help someone any time you don't do the right thing you're gonna feel like you're drowning." "Don't, don't do..." "There's no law that says you have to help people." "And the bitch has put a Gypsy curse on me." "Makes me feel like I'm drowning." "It's fucking horrible." " So you're compelled to help people?" " Yeah." "You couldn't lend us 20 quid, could you, mate?" "You know, just... just help me out?" " You little bastard." " Mm." "That's really mean." "You call it mean." "I..." "I call it karma." " Oh..." " Fuck." "Fuck." "Let's make it 30, shall we?" "Come on." "For fuck's sake!" " Son of a bitch!" " What's going on?" "One sec." "I'll be with you, two shakes of a bee's knee." "You bastard." " Come on." " Rudy?" "Oh, for fuck's sake." "I don't know what's going on with him." " Is it me?" " No!" "It's not you." "It isn't you." "It's fucking him." "And I've..." "I warned you." "I said this would happen, and now this is happening!" "' " Ah!" "Fucking hell, dude!" "Honestly, I was about to be on the happy end of a very nice charity fuck, thank you very much." "AIDS." "I tell you what, it's a proper passion killer." "Your move." "Mm." "Checkmate!" "Yes!" "Fuck you, you fucking loser!" "Hm." "It's a coping mechanism." "It's humour." "All part of the process." "Are you OK?" "It's so weird." "It's like I don't have the will to live any more." "It's gone." "Yeah." "Very nice." "Very convincing." "Has it happened before?" "No." " No?" " Once." "It's happened once before." "I was shagging a doctor." "Well... well, by doctor, I mean the receptionist at the vet's." "And so I bend her over the table in the treatment room and I've got fucking Peter staring at me with his sad, dead eyes." "So..." "Who's Peter?" "Was that the vet?" "No, he was my bunny, Peter the rabbit." "I was having him put down." " Oh." " And, honest to God, I abso..." "Fucking hell, I loved that rabbit." "He had these massive big floppy ears." "They felt like... honestly, it was like furry velvet on your skin." "So, you have him put down and then you slip it up the receptionist?" "No, no, no, no, I couldn't slip it up the receptionist, because I was filled with this sort of..." "I don't know, like a bloody... overwhelming sense of love for Peter the rabbit." "My dick was... honestly, as soft, floppy and as velvety as his frigging ears." "It was a nightmare." "Mm." "Honestly." "That's what it... that's what it is." "Fuck me." "That's what... that's what it is." "It's because I love you." " You love me?" " Yeah." "I love you like I loved Peter Rabbit." "And that's why my cock won't frigging work." "I have a really sarcastic penis." "Do you mean you have an ironic penis?" "Is that what you mean?" "What you on about?" "The bend in it?" "That's from when Saunders slammed it into a door." "Mad bastard." "For fuck's sake." "Hiya." " Ah!" " Oof!" "Jesus!" "What were you doing?" "There was..." "There's been a lot of muggings." "I thought you were attacking me." "It's all right." "No harm done." "Wow." "What are you doing here?" "I came to see you." "I like you." "I..." "I don't care if you don't like me." "Well, I do." "Of course I do." "But it's not going to stop me liking you." "You're smiling." "I've never seen you smile before." " I smile." " Not very often." "Why is that?" "Well, sometimes it feels like there's not very much to smile about." "Yeah." "I have... thought about you." "Have you?" "Yeah." "Ha." "What?" "In some small way..." "we are all responsible." "I want each of us to take a moment to reflect on how we failed to prevent the tragic death of that very... attractive young man." "Finlay was playing chess with him." "Weren't you?" "Yeah." "What was the last thing you said to him?" "Probably something kind." "No, you said..." ""Fuck you, you fucking loser."" " Oh." " Yeah." "Yeah, I did." "I said that, because I was joking." "That beautiful young man's blood is on your hands." "You need to ask God for forgiveness." "Seriously?" "Pray." "I just hope you can find a way to live with yourself." "We need to..." "Hey!" "Hey!" "You're going to take this fucking curse off!" "All right." "I get it." "I'm sorry." "I should have helped you find your keys." "You've made your point." "Oh..." "A guy killed himself in front of me today, and I didn't help him, cos I didn't know what he was going to do." "And now I feel so shit about it." "I should have done something." "I get it, all right?" "I set it!" "What do you want from me?" "Phew." "Ha." "Is this how you usually spend your afternoons?" "I think you're confusing me with a prostitute." "Oh, no, I..." "I wasn't." "I wasn't calling you a slut." "Cos you're not." "You're just..." "Hm." "I usually spend my afternoons changing fuses and rewiring houses." "So, this has been a good day." "Yeah, it has been a good day." "Listen, about the jumper and the superhero..." " Oh, stop talking!" " It's very... it's very important!" "Shut up!" "Leukaemia?" "That's shit, mate." "How does... how does that go down with the ladies?" "You're sick." "Um... will you give me a tour of the Community Centre?" "Why do you need me?" "just fill your boots, man." "Oh, well, to be honest, I just wanted to hang out with you." "I mean, you seem like a really cool guy." "Yes, I am." "Yes!" "Come on, you." "This is where the magic happens, if your idea of magic is people getting dressed." "Oh, that's my locker." "The vending machine." "Nature's gift." "A corridor, useful for getting to the storeroom." "The storeroom." "Where... we like to store things." "You all right?" "Will you hold me?" "Fuck off." "Please. just... just hold me." "If this is some kind of gay trick, I don't care if you're dying, I will..." "I'll..." "I'll take a very dim view of it." "Look, I'm not gay, OK?" "It's just... holding someone, it it makes me feel alive." "You know?" "OK." "Yeah." "I'm warning you..." "There you go." "All better." "Alex?" " What?" " Are you taking a shit?" "No." "Are you having a wank?" " No." " OK." "So..." "I've been thinking." "You're going to make me fuck your turtle, aren't you?" "You... bitch." "I don't want to take advantage of your situation." "Yes, you do." "Yes, you do, because you know that I can't say no." "So, you're going to make me fuck your turtle." "Well, it's the only way that we can be together as man and woman, rather than woman and turtle, which is... it's just too weird." "If I fuck him to death, it isn't on me." "Maybe you could just come on his shell." "It doesn't work like that." "I wish it did." "Just be tender and gentle." "Try not to hurt him." "I'm ramming my cock up a turtle's arse, and you don't want me to hurt him?" "Maybe you could just get him drunk first or..." " Hiya." " Hiya." "I love you, man." "Hm?" "Yeah, I appreciate it." "Oh!" " It's a sex bag." " Ha." "You expect me to wear that?" "What, seriously?" "Come on." "Oh, fuck!" "Go and get help!" "Get Abby!" "Abby!" "Let me die." "I'm not gonna let you die, you little shit." "Please!" "Did he say anything to you?" "No, nothing." "Not a dickybird." "Something must have really upset him." "Oh, shit." "I don't want to even say it." "What?" "Well, do you think he's found out about me and you and all the shagging..." " Shh!" " He already knows." "Oh, I know about his soft cock and everything." "You with him?" "Er... no, don't look at me like that, cos you're in love with a turtle, so..." " Fair point." "Sorry about the soft cock." " Thanks, Ab." "Can we just get back to Finn, please?" "Why do you think he might have found out about us?" "So, I'm sat in there on the couch." "I'm drawing a smiley face on a bag." "Little man stands in the fucking doorway, fixes me with this look, "I love you, man."" "Right, now, was he saying, "I love you, man," ""but you have stabbed me in my back, and you've gone and shat in my mouth"?" "I was like, "No, no, no!" "I'm sorry." "Me and my big floppy cock, we're really sorry."" ""Well, it's too late for fucking sorry, arsehole!"" " Stop it." " Sorry." "Sam." "I made love to her." "You all right?" "Maggie?" "No!" "Helen." " Electro girl from the jumper." " Sweet." " Yeah." " Did she shock your balls?" "Why would she shock my balls?" "I don't know." "Maybe she's into kinky stuff." "What's the matter with you?" "No, she's not kinky." "She's lovely." "We'd better sit down." "I've got something for you." "Yeah?" "But this... this has already happened." "I started it last week." "I meant to give it to you then." "It took me a while to finish it." " What, so now you knit the past?" " Only when my arthritis is playing up." "You see me and Helen on this jumper?" "This is proof, isn't it?" "This is proof that it comes true." "You can't fight destiny, you can't." "Electro girl, is she up for the whole superhero thing?" "No." "No, not exactly." "But I..." "I've tried to persuade her, but she's not interested." " Is it cos the sex was really bad?" " No!" " No, the sex was brilliant." " Yeah, maybe for you." "It was..." "Listen." "It's got nothing to do with my sexual performance." "I've just got to show her it's her destiny, that's all." "I mean it's all coming together." "It is." "It's just there's... there's just one more of you I need to find." "Yeah." "But three of us to convince it's a good idea." "How you doing, mate?" "It's weird." "It's like I haven't got the energy to keep living." "And I was wondering why you felt like that, to be honest with you, man." "Why... why?" "Has... something upset you?" " Like what?" " I don't know." "Just... just something very upsetting, like like a friend maybe doing something to another friend?" "Was this you?" "What were you doing?" "I was clubbing a baby seal." "Why?" "Because we got into a bit of a dispute over some fish." "Neither of us were gonna back down." "It all got a bit out of hand, to be honest with you, so I fucking just boshed him." "Bosh." "Mm-hm." "Someone should do that to me." "Don't say shit like that, man." "If they did, could I have your GCSEs?" "Oi!" "Have you heard this shit?" "You know it's not transferable, your GCSEs, when you die?" " Yeah." " What the fuck is all that about?" "You need a fucking GCSE in science just to understand all this shit." "What did Finn say?" "Has he found out about us?" "No, he thinks I've killed a baby seal." "Well, look, guys, all of this stuff, it's gonna be something to do with the storm, isn't it?" "Who's this fucking guy, man?" "Clever and handsome." "It's unbelievable." "Just before Finn turned suicidal," "I saw him talking to one of them terminally ill people." "What if he did something to him?" "Well... they chose the wrong day to do that." "Just made a big mistake." "They better be prepared to meet the raper." "Do you mean the reaper?" "No, I mean the raper." "I'm talking about him." "Mate, I'm not a rapist." "What did you do to our friend?" "And don't bother denying it, cos we know it was you." "Er... someone told me there was a really nice view from the roof." "Hm." "I wouldn't say it's nice." "It's just the same shit from a different angle, really." "Oh, I don't..." "I'd like to see that." "Get out of this one, you sneaky bastard." "Hey, hurry up." " I'm hurrying up, man." " Come on." "Erm... this isn't as bad as it looks, and I'm aware it looks bad." "I think I know what happened to your friend." "Sorry?" "What?" " I know what happened to your friend." " Yeah, love." "And so do we." "It's time for this little guy to meet the frigging raper." " Can you stop calling me the raper?" " It wasn't him." "It was Lucas." "Ah, God." "Sorry, dude." "Mate, are you OK?" "Will you hold me?" "Look, I'm not going to shag you, because I'm in love with my turtle." "Oh." "Oh, I..." "But I feel really bad about you dying and everything, so I'll give you a hand job." "Er would... would you hold me afterwards?" "Hm, yeah, a wank and a cuddle." "Just what the doctor ordered, eh?" "Abby!" "Abby!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Get the fuck away from him!" "Why is his cock out?" "Hand 'gob." "Look, he sucked the life out of Finn." "That's why Finn wants to die and why that bloke threw himself off the roof." "You did it to them, didn't you?" "What was I meant to do?" "I'm meant to just let myself die?" "No!" "No, you guys have no idea what it feels like." "I..." "I can feel myself dying." "I can feel it and I'm scared." "So, you're just going to keep doing it, then, letting other people die?" "You are killing them!" "Just fuck off!" "Fuck you!" "OK, I never asked for this!" "Why me?" "Why has it got to be me?" "It's a crappy deal, mate." "But all this other shit is wrong, and you know it is." "And, hey." "He's an annoying little prick, but you've got to give my mate his life back." " No." " Cos that's the right thing to do." "Oh, right, and me dying, that's all right?" "Hey, I'm not saying it's fair." "It's shit, mate." "But you've got to do the right thing, or I'm gonna have to do the right thing." "Yeah, and what's that, then?" "I'm gonna have to wrestle you to the floor, pin you down and fuck you up the arse until I take your power." "Oh!" "I'm sorry, that's meant... that's meant to be the right thing to do?" "Yeah, in a totally fucked-up way I think it is." "Hey." "Hi." "Will you hold me?" "I'd really like that." "I should have helped you find your keys." "No, you couldn't, because of your new jeans." "I know." "Sorry." "I..." "I was a massive twat." "But I have been the Good fucking Samaritan with bells on." "Lesson learned." "So, are you... are you gonna lift the curse or what?" "Two bottles of white wine, and we'll call it quits." "Well, go on, then." "Lift the curse." "I took it off when you came round to my flat that time." "You seemed really upset about the guy killing himself." "I felt bad." "Well, you could have told me." "Thank you very, very much." "So, I'm..." "I'm thinking that the least that you can do, now, is have a drink with me." "I'm gay." " You're a lesbian Gypsy?" " Mm-hm." "Rudy?" " Mm?" " Why are you wearing the sex bag?" "I'm fed up." "I've renamed it the bag of eternal shame." "And I will not take it off until the frigging end of time, or my cock gets hard, whatever happens first." "I'm over here, babe." " Are you?" " Yeah." "Oh." "Listen, I've been having a think about..." " I've been having a think." " Yeah?" "About why you and my cock, you're not getting on, and I just think you might, um I think you intimidate him." "And just, it's me and my knob, we have a bit of a chequered past." "I mean, honest to God, you are like a bloody you're perfect, you... you're this innocent little... you're like an angel." " No, I'm not an angel." " You are." "You're an angel to me." "You are, and you... and you make my dick hang his head in shame." "Right." " I love the smell of my own farts." " I thought that was just me." "No." "I bite my nails." "Erm..." "I eat the dead skin off my feet." " I use a hairbrush to scratch my fanny." " Oh?" "Erm..." "last week, I shoved a cock-shaped potato up myself." "It's usually a cucumber, but I'd used it to make a salad, so there you go." "Fucking hell." "I'm not pure or perfect." "So, that's me." "And I love you." "Oh, you... sarcastic bastard." "I think you've been looking for me." "I have been look..." "I have been looking for you!" "You're the final piece of the superhero jumper puzzle." "Look at that, eh?" "I..." "I knew it." "It's all coming together." "I..." "I can't wait for you to meet the others." "You are superheroes, guys, you are." "The jumper posse?" "Tomorrow's the one-year anniversary of the storm." "We're having a party here at the Community Centre." "There will be vodka and drugs and people fucking each other." "You know ecstasy reverses your power?" "That's not how it looked, Finn." "You and me, we're finished!" "Women don't know what they do to us." "I had a girlfriend once." "Roxy." "You know, this really is the worst party ever."