"Vlasta Burian in the film" "Cash Claim Chaos" "Production and copyright" "Story Screenplay" "Music" "Photography" "Art director Edited by" "Sound" "Directed by" "Starring" "Also featuring" "Music performed and sung by R.A. Dvorsky and his dancing orchestra" "Songs available on ULTRAFON recordings." "Produced at the A-B studios in Prague Sound equipment by Tobis Klangfilm" "This story has never actually happened and the characters in it are fictional." "We do not want this made-up story to be a satire." "We just want you to laugh with us and forget for a while all about the pressure of today's life." "ST JAMES' HOSPITAL" "Maintain absolute silence!" "No noise or spitting in the corridors!" "Open the door!" "Come on!" "Too slow!" "I have to shout at you all the time." "You must be careful with a leg like that." "As if you were carrying a dozen eggs in a violin case." "Everything nice and slow." "How come you don't take my urine sample when I'm going to be operated on?" " Dear me..." " Yes, dear me!" "Too late!" "You haven't checked my pulse, you don't know my temperature!" "No cap on my head!" "You didn't clean me with disinfectant!" "I am going to be operated on!" "Isn't it strange?" "You think a mouth-screen just protects a patient from being spattered by a doctor?" "I've never seen such a thing!" "What do you know about hygiene?" "What do you know about prophylaxis?" "What do you know about asepsis?" "You know nothing about medicine!" "Now let's go to the operating theatre!" "Wheel me there, and carefully!" "Just like they were shifting a piano!" "This is how they treat the patients!" "Careful!" "Wait!" "Stop!" "You'd get a man in such a state that no doctor would ever make him healthy again!" "What if I was really ill?" "That's enough for today, tidy all this up." "We'll continue next time." "That's what you get when they send us such good-for-nothings." "It takes so much to teach them!" "So, how are you today, my friend?" "Better?" "So how's your temperature today?" "Very good today." "Yesterday you were burning so hot that we could have made tea on you!" "Just rest and quiet, and everything will be all right!" "What about you?" "How did you sleep last night?" " Thank you, Mr Rozruch, not too bad." " Pleasant dreams?" " No." "My teeth were bothering me!" " Your teeth?" "Oh, sorry." " Mr Rozruch, my wife sent me some nuts." "Help yourself, I can't crack them anyway." " I haven't had any nuts since Christmas." "I'm sorry, I forgot." "And how is your leg today?" "Let's have a look!" "You must get some exercise." "One, two." "Keep going." "One, two." "One, two." "One, two." "That was three!" " Rozruch?" " Yes?" " They've sent you something from the Health Insurance Company." " That'll be the mud." "For the sciatica." "It's giving me so much pain!" " But this is such a small parcel?" " Maybe it's in cubes." "You never know." " That Rozruch is a really good chap." "A fine fellow!" " The best orderly I've ever known." "And I've known a fair few." "I've been ill for fifteen years!" " He's so full of optimism that if you were dying, he'd make it seem so good you'd want to die." " What did they send me?" "This is not the mud, is it?" "Teeth..." "To me?" "!" "I've got teeth like a Canadian saw!" "I'm going there right now!" "Lmmediately!" "HEALTH INSURANCE COMPANY" " Hello." "Health Insurance Company." "He's not here yet." "Try calling later." "Goodbye." " Look, they write in the paper that Slavia lost again." "It's terrible!" " Give me a break in the morning!" "I'm not interested." " So what would interest you, Madam?" "Tell us!" " A weather forecast for Sunday!" "I'm going out." " With whom?" "With Mr Councillor?" " It's none of your business." "Why'd you want to know?" " No reason." "But everyone knows it anyway." " But it's none of your business, anyway!" " Just plain jealousy." "Not everybody is so fortunate, so we are interested in yours." "Look, just keep reading your paper." "All right?" " Good morning, sir." " Good day!" " At your service, Mr Secretary!" " Anything new?" " Nothing." " Here are the amendments to the directives on giving out drugs approved by the Board yesterday." "Make copies please." " Yes, sir." " And please don't disturb me unless you have to." " Of course, Mr Secretary." " At your service!" " They've cut down the coverage again." " Miss, make copies!" " I wonder what a doctor can prescribe for a patient of his own free will?" " Distilled water!" " If only!" "Look here." "Distilled water, max. 2OO grams, but only in the most urgent cases when tap water cannot be used." " Where is the office here?" " There are 325 offices here." "Which one are you looking for?" " That..." " Yes." "The first door on the right." " OK!" "LEAVE YOUR CIGAR HERE" " Good morning, sir." "Excuse me bothering you, sir." " What's the problem?" " I was told to come here." " To us?" "I'd be surprised." " Yes." " And why?" " The doctor is to give me a checkup." " That's not what we do." "You need a doctor." " And the doctor is not here?" " No." " Then I'd rather wait for him." " The inspecting doctor's waiting room is on the second floor!" "Understand?" " Understood." " Didn't I tell you the inspecting doctor's waiting room is on the second floor?" " I understood." "And I should go there?" " They will not move it down here for you, man!" " I'm sorry, your honour, but one should better ask." " What's wrong with you?" "Why were you sent for examination?" " No, for a checkup." " But that's the same thing!" " The doctor came to see me through my appendix." " What an unpleasant route." " Not at all, the doctor lives next door." " And why did he send you?" " He didn't send me." "He sent me this little note saying that I should come here." "My wife asked the doctor if I should come when I was ill in bed." "And the doctor said, let him come and I'll take a look at the nuisance." " I asked you if you were coming for an examination." "So why didn't you say it straight off?" " Forgive me, Your Excellency." "One can't know everything." " So, take this and go on up to the second floor where you'll find the inspecting doctor." "The second floor." " And should I say that you sent me, Mr Councillor?" " No." "Wait in the waiting room." " Do they have such elegant windows there like the ones in here?" " Just wait in the waiting room until it is your turn." " I just thought..." "All right." "Goodbye." " Hello." "Excuse me..." " Hello." " Would you be so kind and tell me where the complaints department is?" " We don't have one!" " It's because I got some teeth and I don't need teeth." "I've got teeth like a crocodile." "And I'd like to tell you that..." " What's that got to do with me?" "First door on the right!" " All right." "What are you looking for?" " I left a cigar here." "So why did you leave it here?" " It was Portorican!" "Where the hell is it?" " Good morning." " What's the problem?" " Good morning, I am covered by the health insurance here." "I was said..." "I've got everything here." " Short!" " I didn't bring that." " I don't mean any document." "I mean, keep it short!" " Yes." "I like economy too." "I don't like long conversations either." "I know what it's like when somebody wants to get to the point and..." " Get to the root!" " But they said I should come to you, are you Root?" " What, me?" " Will you wait for me here, Heduska?" " Yes, Daddy." "I'll just pop over..." "over to the dressmaker's." "It's just round the corner." " Great." "I've got something to sort out here with the insurance people, see?" "I'll sort it out and then we'll meet here." " Right here." " Well, three weeks ago" "I made a request." " I must strictly inform you that reminders are not accepted here." " Absolutely correct." "He who waits has for two." "Patience brings roses." " Sir, if that were true, while I've been listening to you," "I could have become a gardener." " Quite." "And maybe you'd earn more than just scratching around here, right?" " Enough sir." "I don't have time to talk to you." "Go home and wait until you receive official notification." " But I have already received an official notification," "I have it here." " So why on earth are you here?" " Just look, I received this." "P.T." " That's you!" " Isn't it?" " Of course." " And the janitor said that it means Post Office Turnov." " It is a mistake." " So I've got here:" "One set of basic dentures with rubber base, for upper and lower jaw." " All right, sir." "You've got teeth." "What more do you want?" " What am I supposed to do with them?" " Apparently you need them." " I'm up to here with teeth!" "I don't know which to bite with first!" "So why would I?" "Apply for new teeth?" " In that case, sir, why did you abuse the benevolence of the Health Insurance Company and request new teeth?" " I didn't request any new teeth!" "I've got sciatica in my right leg and... so why would I request new teeth for it?" "What for?" "Unless I was going to bite off my leg with them!" " Please, don't get upset." " I'm not getting upset!" "I'm just stating a fact!" " We haven't made a mistake." " Us neither." "I'm all alone at home." " I mean here in the office." " I see." " Have you seen the official doctor?" " Yes." " Evidently you didn't manage to express yourself adequately." " I didn't manage to express myself?" "I explained to him for fifty minutes that I have sciatica in my right leg, that it hurts here and here, that I cannot sleep at night and he gives me teeth for it." " Let's say that it's not entirely logical." " No, it isn't." "Let's say that it's not logical." " So it's not entirely logical, but your request has been officially complied with." "What can we do?" " Take these teeth and give me some mud!" " Out of the question!" "They officially gave you teeth, so you have teeth." " Damn it!" "This is driving me up the wall!" "You could just have given me a glass eye and I would have had to get an extra hole made in my forehead for it!" " Come on..." " Here we go, here's another one." "The first one's worn out so they've sent on a reserve." " Please don't let yourself get over excited." "That's quite enough now, don't you think?" " If anyone around here's had enough then it's me!" " Sir, I'm asking you stop now!" "I won't take any mouth from you!" " I don't have any mouth!" "I've got a gob!" "And I must open it pretty wide so those teeth of yours'll fit in it!" " OK." "Make it short." "What do you want?" " To exchange these teeth for some mud, right now!" " Are you under the impression that the Health Insurance Company is some sort of a shop?" " At least there I know what I'll get for my money!" "With you lot it's like a tombola." " Look, let's cut out the unnecessary gaffing." "Go upstairs to the second floor, to the doctor-in-chief." " And what will I do there?" " Let him decide!" " About what?" " If he agrees that your teeth are healthy..." " That's pretty clear!" "One can see that!" "Look!" " Come on..." "If he agrees that you are suffering from another ailment, then something can be done." "If you have sciatica, you'll get..." " Glasses!" "I know you, don't I?" "Lt'll be best if I keep applying a warm bag of bran, won't it?" " Yes, apply bran." " And where do I get it from?" " That's your business." " The grain monopoly wants to deliver bran to me only by the wagons." "Whenever I need bran I have to steal it from horses' feed bags in the street!" " Sir, discuss this somewhere else, but not here!" "Goodbye." " Goodbye." " Goodbye." " I needed to come here like a hole in head!" "You Huguenots!" " Can't you be more careful?" " That was you?" " Obviously!" " I thought it was me!" " You've broken my thumb!" " Show me!" "It's nothing, just a surface scratch!" " Surface scratch?" " Put in a request over there and you'll get a hernia belt for it!" " Your obedient servant, Mr Councillor!" "We are honoured to see you here!" " Good morning, Mr Secretary!" "Who was this cheeky and clumsy fool?" "He almost broke my thumb!" " Some rejected applicant." "We get a lot of them here." " I see." "My daughter Heduska has popped over to the dressmaker's, so I've taken the chance to have a look at you." "Anyway, Mr Secretary, I have a small request to make of you." " Please, go ahead." " A friend of mine telephoned me, Chairman Prochazka, about a request from the Head Surgeon from Saint James' Hospital." " From doctor Marek, I see." " Doctor Marek." "Please." "If he should come, will you be so kind to treat him well?" " Of course, Mr Councillor." "I'll look after his matter personally." " You are very kind!" " Mr Patocka!" "Did you hear?" " At your assistance, Mr Secretary." " If the Head Surgeon from St James' Hospital comes do for him whatever you can, OK?" " The Head Surgeon from Saint..." " Make a note of it!" "What is it concerning, Mr Councillor?" " I don't actually know but it'll probably be health recovery leave, what else could it be?" " The main thing is that you warned me, as we might just have refused him." "We have explicit instructions to economize." " Just as it should be!" "Excellent!" "But where is Miss Veruska?" " Veruska?" "Who?" " I'm sorry, I mean Miss Hornova." " Of course!" " It is Miss Hornova, isn't it?" " That's correct, Miss Hornova is in my office." "If Mr Councillor wishes, I could call her." " No, not necessary." "I was only saying that I couldn't see her here." "Oh, you aren't thinking, you devil, you..." " I think nothing at all, Mr Councillor." "But if you will excuse me," "I must go up to the surgery." "I wouldn't want such an important visitor as Head Surgeon Marek to get thrown out." " Of course." " See you later." " See you." " Off you go, off you go..." "...and where is my mud?" " Everything is written here." "Get it stamped downstairs." "Goodbye." " Goodbye." "Off with you, off with you..." "And not a sign of any mud." "I'm not going to take this lying down!" " And how did my sweetheart sleep?" " Terribly!" "Mother gave me an hour-long lecture about staying out late." " What?" "Good grief!" "What's wrong if a young girl stays out late for once?" " Once?" "It's every night." "Listen, Richard, let me tell you something!" "I've had enough of this!" " Right." "Enough of what?" " Either you admit to me in public, or it's all over between us!" " But Veruska, don't be so obstinate!" "You know very well that it's only because of my daughter." "As soon as she gets married everything will be all right and easy." "Don't frown at me any longer." "Let's rather arrange our rendezvous for tomorrow." "Haven't you forgotten that we're going on a trip Saturday and Sunday?" " I'd rather not go anywhere." "Any normal person would be ashamed to stick their head out of the door." "And what about my mother?" "My God!" " You didn't tell her anything, did you?" " Are you afraid?" " No, why would I be afraid?" "But you didn't say anything, right?" " Let's drop it and talk about tomorrow." " Tomorrow..." "Maybe I'd better give you a call first." "You see, I've read the weather forecast." "They say cloudy and rain." " It looks like my mother's given you cold feet." " No, she hasn't!" "There's no problem." " I want to go tomorrow!" " All right then, we'll go tomorrow, and don't be angry with me, all right?" " All right, wait for me tomorrow at five o'clock with your car at the end stop of tram number 5." " Excellent!" "Now give me a nice big kiss!" " Here?" "What if someone sees us?" " Who would see us?" "All right, to make you feel better, let's do it like this." " Oh, no!" "This is terrible!" "What a shame!" " What?" "Sorry?" " Shame!" "And they're not even ashamed!" " Beg your pardon?" "What's a shame?" "Who should be ashamed?" " It's a disgrace!" " Now look here, sir, I'll tell you something." "Me, if I'd seen something like that as I passed by, I'd have pretended" "I didn't see anything." " Sure." " That's what I'd do!" " Sure." " You understand." " But they're not embarrassed!" " What concern is it of yours?" " Pardon?" "What concern of mine?" "Look here!" "Read this!" " What?" " The breweries intend to increase the price of beer again from the first of next month!" "What a shame!" " I see." "You were talking about beer?" " Of course, what else is there?" " Oh, my apologies." "I thought you were ridiculing myself and the good lady here." " Oh no, it's of no import to me how the good lady wants to pay for her healthcare." "As long as it does you good." " Sir, I ask you not to be so impertinent." " Sure." " This is the second time today that we've met in unpleasant circumstances." " You're the man with the finger!" " Yes, with the finger." " At least it doesn't hurt anymore now that such a nice girl has helped!" " Sir, I warn you!" " Why?" "Is there anybody behind me?" " No!" "There's somebody in front of you!" " I see." " I have long fingers!" " Fortunately I don't have anything valuable." "And besides, if you've got long fingers you must be good at examining young chickens!" " Sir, just to inform you..." "Have you by any chance heard of Board Councillor Pena?" " Good Lord yes!" "He's a complete simpleton!" " Sir, that simpleton is standing in front of you!" " So I was right then." " This is beyond endurance!" " Only I thought you were bald but instead you wear a wig." " Are you trying to give me a heart attack?" " If it doesn't make too much noise, why not." " That's really enough, sir!" "I will find out all about you." " Sure." " Stop saying "sure"!" " Sure." " And he won't stop." " Sure." " Who laughs last..." " Laughs last!" " No, sir, he laughs longest!" " So we're going to be doing a lot of laughing!" " Enough!" "Stop!" "Finished." " Howgh." " Gentlemen, if Head Surgeon Marek comes, don't forget to call me." " Of course, Mr Secretary." " Thank you." "Please forgive me, Mr Councillor, for keeping you waiting so long." " No problem." " That's perfectly fine." "Mr Councillor wasn't bored." "He was having a nice conversation with the young lady here." " Please, sir!" "I was explaining to the lady about our exports abroad." " Sure." "He was explaining mouth to mouth." " Sir, silence!" " For ever?" " Yes please!" "The lady is extremely interested in our exports, Mr Secretary." " I know." "Mr Councillor is known as an enthusiastic proponent of his field." " Yes." "A man has to do what he can." " Yes, we saw that!" " Mr Secretary, please..." " Sir, if you are here officially, the office is next door." " Well, it was clear to me from the start that this wasn't an office." " Please..." " What?" " This way." " And what?" " Out." " Yes, out." "So just say out and don't say please." " That's enough." " So I'm here." "I've come from the doctor upstairs." " So?" "What did he tell you?" " He didn't tell me anything." "He took my teeth and gave me this." "But I can't make it out." "What's written there?" " I'll read it for you." "You should apply warm bandages." " What a great idea!" "That's what the doctor studied for." "To apply warm." "But where's the mud?" " What mud?" " Mud!" "He took my teeth and gave me mud." "And it is not..." " But there is nothing about mud here." " But there must be!" " There isn't!" " Look carefully, here maybe?" "Well, here, you see." "Atvitrum and mudum." "Mudum." "Dirtum." "Mudum!" " Ad vitrum adlatum." "That means in a container brought along." " I see." "So no mud?" " No." " I want my teeth back then!" " I'm afraid not, sir." " Teeth back!" "And I'll find a mouth somewhere for them!" "And..." "...I will sell them!" " Sir, those teeth did not belong to you!" " But the mud did!" " That is for the doctor to say!" " Look, where is the director of this slide?" " Slide?" " It is a slide because I keep getting on upstairs and it throws me off here at the bottom." " Our director's office is on the second floor, sir." " That's where I'm going." "That's the second time for me today to the second floor." "If I have to go there once more you can say goodbye to this building, or I'll turn it into a pile of bricks!" " This would drive one crazy." " Good morning." "Excuse me, Mr Director?" " I'm not the director, I am a tenure office assistant." " Well, that's something..." "And where is the director?" " Mr Director is not here, has not been here and will not be here." "I shall make sure it has consequences." "Goodbye." " My stomach's none too good." "It's because of those night shifts And a bad diet." "Really, much as I'd like to, I can't." " You poor thing." "And those doctors don't help you?" " That's exactly why I'm to go to the Health Insurance Company." " To the Health Insurance Company?" "But my father's just gone there a moment ago." "What if you met him?" " But he doesn't know me at all." " That's true, but he could recognize you there." "And if he saw us together somewhere, that would be the end of everything." " The end." "Just because I'm only..." " It's not my fault." "Daddy wants a man with a title." " And I'm just a run-of-the-mill guy." "That means..." " It means that I'll never give you up." "Never!" "But I don't want to upset Daddy either!" "He's so adamant." "But I've always been able to make him change his mind when I've had enough time to work on him." " I believe you, Heduska." "So I'd rather not go to the Health Insurance Company, right?" "So I won't meet your Daddy there." " Then we couldn't go on our trip." " Not at all, Heduska." "We'll go even if I don't go to the Health Insurance Company." " Let's go!" " I ran up the stairs four at a time and slid down the handrail." "And I have to tell you that Mr Director has apparently not been upstairs here since 1924." " Sir, that's none of your concern." "Our Mr Director also has other obligations." " Yes, that's correct." "But if he didn't have enough, we would have a job for him as night janitor at our Saint James' Hospital." "A very good job!" " Are you really from Saint James' Hospital?" " Yes, I am from Saint James' Hospital." " But why didn't you tell us before?" " You never let me get a word in." "You're always so beastly towards me!" " Please accept my apologies." "We will sort it out." "You will get whatever you need." " I know." " Of course." " And will I get some mud?" " Definitely." "I'll call Mr Secretary." " Mr Secretary has gone down to the cellars." "The janitor told me he's tapping mineral water." " Oh, it must be a mistake." "Please, come this way." "I'll take you to Mr Secretary." "This way." "We'll sort everything out." " Good." " After you." "Please." "Come in." " So this is Head Surgeon Marek?" " Yes, this is Head Surgeon Marek from Saint James' Hospital." " Mr Secretary." " What is it?" " That man is here." " Which man?" " That man." " What?" "Again?" "Look, can't you deal with this person yourself?" " Yes." " Sir, I'm asking you politely for the last time to stop bothering us here." "No discussions!" "There's the door." " But Mr Secretary, there's been a mistake." "This gentleman is from St James' Hospital." " So why didn't you say right away?" " I wanted to." " What do I look like now?" "!" "Please, come in, make yourself at home." " One moment, I'm holding onto the door." " Please, do come in." "We are happy to welcome you here." "A little patience, please." "We'll sort everything out, all right?" "So, Mr Patocka, what did I say?" "Mr Head Surgeon will get what he wants!" " Yes." "But doctor Bruner's assistant has rejected." " Rubbish!" " Please." " Go upstairs and let him change it." "Will you?" " Please, just a couple of minutes." " A little patience." "We know all about it." " Yes." "Did he telephone?" " Yes, to Mr Councillor, and he told us all about it." " I see." " If we had only known who you were." " That's just it, nobody asks anybody anything here." "They just throw you out incognito!" " Please forgive me." "You know, we get such a lot of applicants here, with all sorts of trifles." " Sure." " And if we complied with them all Mr Director might have to take a pay cut." " Well..." "It depends on how you take it." " Everyone takes it like this." " Mr Councillor!" " I left my gloves here." " Yes, here they are." " Thank you very much." " My respects." " My respects." "Oh, you again?" " You again." " Mr Secretary." "Please tell me who the hell is this!" "?" " Don't tell him." "Let him guess!" " But sir...!" " Excuse me, Mr Councillor, it's your protege from St James' Hospital." " What?" "From Saint James'..." " It's him." " You... you are from Saint James' Hospital?" " Yes, I'm from Saint James' Hospital." " I'm so pleased to make the acquaintance of such an honoured name!" " You know my name?" " Of course, a long time!" "But unfortunately I never knew to whom the name belonged." " To me!" "It always has!" " It's such a pleasure!" " And how is your finger?" " Oh, it's nothing." "You said yourself that it's just a surface scratch." "And if it comes from an expert of your reputation..." " Well, I wouldn't use the term expert," "I have a grasp, you know." "Everyone sooner or later picks something up." " How sweetly modest!" "Everyone sooner or later picks something up." " I think it's misplaced modesty." " Oh, definitely misplaced modesty." "But now, unfortunately, I must say farewell." " You are leaving already?" " Yes." "I must." " A pity." " I really must." "I'm taking my daughter to Lazany." " Really?" " To our villa." "She would be bored here on Saturday and Sunday." " You don't say!" " I'm going to Pilsen." " That's nice." "Be sure to have a beer." " Yes." "But only in moderation." "It has been my genuine pleasure..." " I wouldn't want to squeeze it again." "...a great pleasure to have met you." " The pleasure was all mine." " Goodbye." " Goodbye." " At your service, sir." " Goodbye." " Mr Councillor!" "Very interesting." "A rather strange man, don't you think?" "In the beginning he was so rough towards me, and now he's fawning all over me." "Such a change." " Mr Secretary, doctor Bruner would like the gentleman to please come upstairs for an examination." " Excellent." "Please accompany the gentleman." " Yes." " If you would be so kind," "I'm right behind you." " Lead the way." " Your servant." " Please." " Gentlemen, a colleague, the Head Surgeon from Saint James' is coming." "An authority!" "Make sure you don't say a blunder!" "Careful!" " Please come in." " Hello, sir." "Welcome." "Come in." "So now, where do we have the rheumatism?" " Sciatica, doctor!" " Sciatica, of course." " Let's see." "If you would please turn around." " Shall I get undressed?" " No, that's not necessary, sir." "Just turn around." " Sure." " Stand nice and straight." "Yes." "Gentlemen, a classic case of a chronic inflammation of the sciatic nerve." "Clearly sciatica, it would be evident to anybody!" "Finished, sir." " I have it up here?" "That's very interesting." "Just a while ago I was a malingerer, and now it's something totally different." "Unless it was the fact that my first examination was from the front." " And do you know that you might be right?" "Because from the front the limbs are proportionately different, and frontal symptoms are not so easily seen, because what prevents it is..." "or rather..." " Creases on the trousers?" " The routes of the nerves!" " So it's a nerve?" "Your knowledge is truly amazing." "And your conclusions!" "The insurance company can be proud of you!" " But sir, you flatter me." "You know, after years of practice..." "But we don't perform miracles!" " No!" "You are a miracle yourself!" "Really!" "I'm just sorry I came here at all." "It would have been enough to just send you my trousers." " I can hardly ever be such a genius!" " You never know." " Mr Patocka!" "Fill in the form!" " Satisfied, sir?" " Yeah." "What sort of a doctor is that?" " This one?" "That's doctor Bruner." " That's Bruner?" " Yes." " But I know him." "Bruner!" " Yes, sir?" "I eat the Bruner cheese!" "I tell you, it has some smell!" "Look, where did you find a doctor like that?" " I think he was a choice of our Director." "They are somehow related, you see?" "Brothers-in-law or something." " So that's why he's so good." " The main thing is that the Board is happy with him." " Yes, but they are not insured with you, are they?" " No." " So write diagnosis D15." " Sorry, what's that?" " D15?" "It's the official statistical designation." "D for diseases of the nervous system and 15 for neuralgia of the sciatic nerve." " I see." "I thought it was some kind of submarine." " Oh no." " So, sir, what shall we prescribe?" " I would really like to have several cubes of spa mud." " But sir, that's not even worth the trouble of lifting a pen." "I think that your illness needs some kind of expert treatment." "Let's say a few days at a spa, such as the radio-therapy spa in Rochov!" " And you would send me there right now?" " Of course!" "The sooner the better!" "Why not today?" " That's excellent." " It is the way we do our job." " That's really excellent!" "I can't imagine what people have against the Health Insurance Company!" "For example, the Insurance Company totally cured my grandfather." " Really?" "What was wrong with him?" " He was an idealist." " A good joke!" "Please, Mr Secretary, arrange everything." "And you can pack your bags." "The spa is like a fairytale, if you see what I mean." "But what would I tell you, you are certainly familiar with the comfort of the Rochov spa." " Yes, but I can't afford such luxury." " Exaggerating again?" "We all know how people come running to you at the hospital." "Whoever has got money and appendicitis they want to be operated on by Marek!" " Yes, but I'm not..." " I know that you are not." "One shouldn't look in other peoples' pockets, right?" " Yes." "Mine are empty." " Excellent!" "Do you have time tomorrow or the day after?" " Sure, plenty." " Excellent." "You see, I'm going to Rochov myself." "I need to perform a minor inspection so I could take the opportunity to take you along with me, so you can see how pleasant your holiday and treatment will be." " That would be great but how much does the train cost?" " You don't have to know!" "I'll drive you there!" " By ambulance?" " No no, in my car!" "Drive you, like this!" " I see, by car." "But I wanted to ask something else." "Is it expensive there, doctor?" " Expensive?" "You bet!" "Terribly expensive!" "But that's not a concern." "You will see how the Director runs after us and administers to our every request!" "He has to set me a good example sir!" "Or I wouldn't send any patients there." "You don't have to worry about a thing, the Insurance Company will get the bill." "It won't break company's back." " Of course, and the insurant will pay!" " Excellent." "Of course!" "What's wrong with you, sir?" "Nerves, isn't it?" "Hello, Mr Patocka, run up to the third floor and tell the doctor to come down immediately, understand?" " No, no!" " Look!" " Don't go anywhere!" " What?" " Don't go anywhere!" " But go!" " Don't go anywhere!" "My finger's stuck in this." " I see, he's got his finger stuck!" "So what should we do?" " Doesn't work... doesn't work..." " What are you staring at?" "Do something about it, man!" " You can't just..." " Wait!" " Hold it!" " One moment." " What?" " Couldn't we just get it out?" " Yes, we must get it out!" "Wait." "Get hold of it there..." "Let go..." "Hold it there by the..." " Wait!" "Please!" " Let me do it." "Now!" " Yes." "Wait!" "One moment!" " Get on with it!" " Wait!" "You are pulling a wrong one!" " Be careful, man!" "Come on now..." "Good..." " Thank God!" " Thank God, it's out now!" "Let's have a look, no scratches." " It's fine." " I'll get some tincture of iodine." " What?" " I'll get some tincture of iodine." " Don't bother us with your tincture of iodine!" "The main thing is that it's all right!" " Good." " Sir, don't get upset!" "You know how it is." " I had a hat around here somewhere." "I don't know where I've put it." " What?" " My hat it was around here somewhere." " A hat?" "Didn't you leave it... in the hall?" " No." "It was here somewhere." " What?" " Just like the one you are wearing!" "...and it's gone..." " What?" " This one." " And I thought it was my examination mirror!" " Stop bothering me with that water!" "I can't bear the sight of it!" " But what about your kidneys and liver, all messed up from drinking beer and all that liquor!" " I'm a wine-bar keeper, I'm not about to start drinking water." " But here you have to!" "It's about your health!" "What if you passed away?" "What would become of me?" " A widow." " Please take our luggage up to our rooms, thank you." " Right away, sir." " So, Heduska, go up to your room." "I'll put on my gown and head straight off to the spa, all right?" " Yes." " Here you are." " See you later." " Where is the peat bathroom?" " On the right." " Thank you." " Luggage to No. 14!" " Give me the key!" " Here you are." " Any mail?" " No." " Nothing." "Hello!" "Wait, sir!" "You've taken my parcel." "Thank you!" "I wouldn't like to lose it, you see?" " I'm sorry." "It was a mistake." " Yes, of course." "I just don't want it broken." "There are bottles inside." "Pardon." "I'll introduce myself." "Doctor Bruner." " Rozruch." " Rozruch?" "That's the name of a magazine." "Are you a journalist?" " No!" "I'm an orderly." " An orderly!" "That means we're practically colleagues!" "In that case I'm doubly honoured." " Can I have that magazine?" " It is for Head Surgeon Marek." " Here you are." " Thank you." " Would you mind if I join you?" " Sure." "You were sitting over there, weren't you?" " Yes." "The sun was shining in my eyes." " I see." " I was told that you are..." " Very busy." "They informed you correctly." " Of course." "That's quite understandable." "A man of your reknown is sought after." "You must be so busy at the hospital!" " Do you know me?" " But of course!" "I know all the leading experts in Prague." "I've already had three operations." " Yes, I know you!" " That's not possible." " Why not?" "You're the grocer from Zizkov, with the fatty tumour on her back, as big as a cymbal!" " Oh no, but me..." " No, wait!" "I know!" "Now I remember!" "Then you're that laundress from Nusle, whose hand got caught in the mangle, or..." " No!" "You are mistaken, I'm..." " One moment, let me guess." "Look, I've got you now." "You were lying at number fifty-four, just by the window, third from the end, and you always yelled when we moved you, right?" " Mr Head Surgeon is mistaken." " It's possible that Mr Head Surgeon is mistaken, but I'm not!" " But my operation was twenty-five years ago." "Under the late Head Surgeon Zaruba." " Zaruba!" "That's why I don't know you." "My respects." " Are you here for treatment?" " No, I'm here from the Health Insurance Company." " The Company?" " Yes." "I exchanged treatment for teeth." " For teeth?" " Yes." "I returned the teeth to them and they gave me a spa treatment." " That's interesting." " Just imagine, they give you teeth for sciatica." " Really?" "I've been ill enough in my life." "I wouldn't want any." " Any what?" " Sciatica." " Why on earth should you?" " You were saying that I'd have a tooth for sciatica." " Oh!" "You mean a sweet tooth!" "But I mean teeth like dentures." "Imagine that you've got sciatica." " But I haven't." " But you will." "And the Health Insurance Company gives you teeth to treat it." " That's unbelievable!" " And it happened, this very year." " What, that?" " That too!" "So if you ever happen to have some dentures lying around the place, never throw them away." "You never know what you might be able to exchange them for." " The world's full of problems." "A healthy person never understands what problems ill people have." "I, for example, have trouble with my head." "I've got this strange feeling." "Like as if a tree was suddenly growing out of my head." " A tree?" "You really have a tree-ish feeling?" "And does the wind tosses you, too?" "And what about sparrows?" "Do they sit on you?" "And please, would you tell me, what type of tree it is?" " An apple tree." " That's nice." "You're lucky!" "You can gather fruit in the autumn." " Come on!" "Believe me," "I sometimes have terrible headaches." "It's all right during the day, but in the evening..." "As soon as it's ten o'clock, the excrutiating pain starts." "Terrible!" "I cannot sleep until three o'clock." "I can't bear staying in bed." " Why don't you try a sofa?" "Maybe in your bed there are those..." " Oh, no!" "I just want to ask you" " Yes." " Do you think it might be serious?" " Look here," "I don't want to worry you, that's not my intention." "But one should never underestimate anything." "Often some little trifle can have far-reaching consequences." "I once, for example, knew a metalworker." "A very interesting case." "He worked in a workshop where from the glass roof it kept dripping on his head, as he was bent over his work." "Well, it kept dripping, dripping, dripping, and he he had these headaches." "And he thought it was all due to the dripping on his head, and he ignored it." "Until one day they found that he had a tumour in his head the size of a melon." " A tumour?" " Yes." " In his head?" " In his head." " How terrible!" "Can a tumour be removed?" " Of course!" "By operating." " And is it a difficult operation?" " No, not any more." "It used to be difficult but today modern medicine is different." "They used to do it with a hammer... and, you know..." "Yes, that really hurt." "But today, us modern doctors, we have a welding tool and we just cut all around the head and the operation is finished right away." "Only the healing process is slow." "Because for fifteen, twenty years they have to wheel you around." "And after that there's no point in getting up anyway." "And I must really be going." " Oh dear..." "I'll reconsider an operation." "Thank you so much!" " That's what you get for bothering me, you witch!" " Mr Head Surgeon!" "Just one more thing!" "Mr Head Surgeon!" "Please!" " Listen here, Rozruch," "I'll have to introduce you to Head Surgeon Marek." "He's a wonderful man." " Who?" "Head Surgeon Marek?" " Yes." " Well, I'm very curious." " What are you doing here?" " I'm trying the peat cure." " Excellent." "Please let me to introduce a very pleasant young man." " What, this one?" "I know him!" "Why he's from our..." " Yes, yes." "We know each other very well." " You know each other?" "But Mr Rozruch said that he didn't know you." " Rozruch?" " Yes." " You are Rozruch?" " Yes, I'm Rozruch." "Is it possible Mr Head Surgeon doesn't know?" " I don't know if Mr Head Surgeon knows." "So you are Rozruch?" " Yes, Mr Head Surgeon." " And I'm the Head Surgeon?" "So you're a cheese-maker!" "So, and where exactly are we?" " In Rochov, of course, sir." " And I think we are in a madhouse." "Not Rochov!" "And you know who he is, don't you?" " Yes, I know, but how did he get here?" " He's one of my people, you see?" " I see." " One of the better ones." "He does the usual things..." "Washes instruments, makes plaster, did a bit of cutting once, too." " But it was only something minor." " Yes, onion for sausages." "And how exactly did you get here?" " Me?" "But Mr Head Surgeon!" "You yourself told me to come." " But you did not mention to me that he was to visit us here." " Yes, I had completely forgotten about it." "You see, he's brought my instruments." "Surgical!" " Instruments?" " Yes." " You've brought them here?" " Of course, one never knows what might come up on the way." " Exactly." "You never know, a sudden attack of appendicitis..." " Look at Mr Rozruch!" "How seems to know all about it!" "Half-way to being a doctor!" " Sure." "Rozruch actually studied medicine." " You've studied medicine?" " But I failed anatomy." " That's not true, Rozruch!" " Excellent." "Double the pleasure!" "We will celebrate this tonight!" " Absolutely." " Oh, sir!" "You are bathing in your clothes?" " Yes, I have a slight cold." " What a peculiar character!" "Let's go, my friend, it's time for our baths!" " And I'm off to dry off." " How about a little something to warm us up?" "What do you do before going to bed?" " I draw the curtains." " No, that's not what I mean." "I mean we could go to the bar." " Oh no, not me, sir." "I can't stand bars, you see?" " No?" " No." " And what about you, my friend?" " I think we should go." " Excellent!" " Oh no, we have something urgent to discuss." "You will have to excuse us." " Of course." " Yes." " All right." "If by chance we don't see each other, how about meeting for breakfast downstairs?" " No." "I usually have it sent up to my room in a dummy." " What a peculiar character!" "Let's go, gentlemen." " So if you please, Mr Head Surgeon, would you care to tell me what gave you the right to come here under my name?" " My dear Rozruch, don't get upset!" "Come on, it's nothing." " It's nothing?" "Excuse me!" "Coming here using my name!" "What do you mean, 'it's nothing'?" " Your name just came in handy." " Thank you very much!" "Mr Head Surgeon... you're not putting me into debt here, are you?" " Don't worry." "It's a rather delicate matter - a lady is involved." " Great!" "That's just what I needed!" "You are meeting a lady and I will have to pay alimony!" " Don't worry." "Please, sit down." " Yes." " I'll let you into a little secret." "About two months ago I met a young, beautiful, sweet... simply a very nice girl." " Without a doubt." "You wouldn't say you picked up an ugly hag, would you." "And you went up to the lady and said, my name is Rozruch." " Yes." " And why did you say that?" " It was a cunning little piece of diplomacy." "If I had told her who I really am, I would never really know why she likes me, whether for myself or my title." "I would like to get married." " By all means, get married." "Twelve times a year if you like, but not on my curriculum vitae!" " I know what I did wasn't really right." " Right." " I should have come to you and asked first." " And I would say no!" " Listen, Rozruch, you keep forgetting that I am your superior." " No, I don't." "On the contrary." "I've always had the greatest respect for you as my superior, but there is no rule saying that a superior has the right to use the name of one of his subordinates in order to procure physical love, sir." " All right, but..." "Come on, don't make it difficult for me and be patient for another day or two." "Then everything will be all right." "You wouldn't spoil it for me, would you?" " You're lucky that I am such a nice chap!" "Just tell me one thing." "Why did you come such a long way?" "If you had introduced yourself with my name in Prague, let's say in the Stromovka Park or on the Petrin Hill, it would be dark, and you would say:" "My name is Rozruch." "But to come such a long way?" "Is it really worth it?" "Does she have any dowry?" " I don't know." "Her father has a rather risky profession." "Today he's aboard and tomorrow might find himself out." " He's a ferryman?" " No, Board Councillor." " Board Councillor." "That reminds me of something that happened to me yesterday." "At the Insurance Company I bumped into a Board Councillor." "He was a real oddball!" "Sharp-tongued to me at first and then suddenly gentle, kind and nice." "Just like this one, the doctor who introduced us a while ago." " Hey, but listen up, what gave you the right to impersonate me?" " What do you mean?" "I've impersonated you?" "On the contrary." "I wanted to introduce myself but as soon as I opened my mouth, they said: "we know you"!" " Come on!" "Doctor Bruner talked about you as Marek before." " All right." "But where did he get it from?" " It seems to me that we are even." "You've also been pulling a fast one!" " No." "No, I haven't." "Not at all!" "He kept fawning over me like a cat wanting cream." "Sir, this, sir, that." "Hey, I've just thought of something!" "Did you telephone the Health Insurance Company?" " No, I didn't." "I asked President Prochazka to arrange everything." " I see." "And no doubt you just said half of it as usual and this is how it all ended up." "Now the lighthouse is shining!" "Now the birds are home to roost!" "They all think that I am you and you are me!" "Oh, when the Insurance Company hears about this, sparks will fly!" "Bruner will have to pay for everything..." "I'll run him up a bill!" "Three plump geese!" "Wall-to-wall champagne!" "Lt'll be great fun when all this comes out!" "They brought us here by car, we'll leave by Black Maria." "Chauffeurs brought us here, policemen will take us back." "You'll do some great operations in handcuffs, don't you think?" " Sorry?" "Why me?" " Sorry, you are... you are Rozruch!" "I am the Head Surgeon of course!" "That doctor will be beside himself when he finds out." " Rozruch, not a word!" "You'd get us all into trouble!" "Look, I'll let you play the Head Surgeon another couple of days and then..." " You will let me?" "You?" "It is I who will kindly let you play me!" " Has Mr Rozruch come back from the bath?" " Mr Rozruch is in his room." "I will telephone him." " Thank you." " My pleasure." " Would you be so kind..." "Book me a table for two for tonight near the bar, all right?" " Of course." "Tonight?" " Tonight." "I'm staying at the hotel." "Thank you." " Mr Rozruch asks you to go up to his room." "He has a visitor and wants to talk to you." " Thank you." " My pleasure." " So, Rozruch, I'm asking you once more, be patient and everything will be fine." "What a nice surprise." "So you've come." " Yes." " I couldn't wait!" " That's right." "He couldn't wait." "Really!" "Introduce me, so I don't look so strange." " My darling, please allow me to introduce..." "This is Mr..." " Head Surgeon Marek, my name." " Your superior, Leon?" " Your superior, Leon." " Nice to meet you, Mr Head Surgeon, I am honoured." " Oh, it's nothing." "Well, Rozruch, I have to say, Rozruch..." "You have good taste!" " But I can't say the same for you." "Well?" " I am Heda Penova." " I know." "It's a beautiful poem!" " Oh no." "My name is Heda Penova." " Oh, your name is Heda Pen..." " Yes." " Penova..." "Miss, you wouldn't be the daughter of Mr Councillor Pena?" " You know my Daddy?" " Well, that is, I know..." "We met yesterday at the Insurance Company." "We got our thumbs stuck in a door." "And he told me about you." "But he said you were going to Lazany, not here." " Well, the situation is..." "Mr Head Surgeon," "I am here in secret!" "Don't tell Daddy!" " Well, if you are very nice to me..." " Don't you dare breathe a word!" " Leon!" "How dare you speak to your superior?" " Just take a look at the cheek of him!" " Apologize to Mr Head Surgeon immediately!" " That's how you address your boss?" "Apologize!" "And not another word!" " Mr Head Surgeon..." " As a punishment you will clean out the morgue!" "Or I'll send you back to the auto room." "I mean autopsy room, Miss." " Mr Head Surgeon, I sincerely apologize if any word of mine may have caused offence." " No offence, no offence." " Mr Head Surgeon is very kind." " Yes." " Leon has always talked about you very enthusiastically." " Is that so?" " We are so grateful to you." " No, it's nothing, really." "If you ever are in need of anything, just pick up the phone." "I will always be available." " Really?" " Yes." " You see, Leon?" "You always said that Mr Head Surgeon would not allow me to telephone you." " Well, he's actually right." "I don't allow him to use the phone." "Because he'd be forever on the phone." "Remember when you had the thing with that waitress..." " Beg your pardon?" " What!" "?" " That was a joke." " I see." " A little pleasantry." "I've sorted it out." " So I can call?" " Whenever you like." "And if you ever need Rozruch to have some time off, just call." "And he will be excused." " Mr Head Surgeon is very kind." " It's nothing." " If only Daddy were in favour of Leon." " What's that?" "Daddy doesn't approve?" " I'm afraid he wouldn't agree with him." "He keeps offering me matches." "Leon would be too small a fish for him." " Let me tell you something, Miss." "I will have a word with him." "I have known something about Daddy since yesterday and he will listen to me." " Really?" " Yes." "And I will tell you another secret." "Rozruch will soon be promoted." " Really?" " Yes." " Leon, you didn't tell me!" " He hasn't told you so many things!" "He may even tell you one day that he is Head Surgeon Marek." "And you will laugh like mad!" " I wouldn't believe him anyway." "I know that he is Rozruch." " My darling, isn't it time to get changed?" " What a nincompoop I am!" "I have been taking your time." "I am leaving." "I hope to see you again today." " Yes." " Are you going to the bar?" " Yes." " Do you like to dance?" " Oh yes." " I will be available to you as a dancing partner all evening." "It will be my pleasure." "See you later." " See you." " See you." "My pleasure." " Really!" "It's just too much!" "I can't believe him!" " Leon darling, you shouldn't have spoken to him like that." " But darling, sometimes he gets right on your nerves." " Come on, such a nice man?" "!" " What?" "A nice man?" " Yes." " But listen, Heduska, I really should..." " Yes!" "Now just what should you?" "What?" "Tell me!" " Let's forget it for now and tell me when are we going to have dinner?" " Right now." "There's nobody in the restaurant." "They're all drinking tea." " All right then." "I'll just get changed." " I'm so happy you have found such a delightful place!" "We are all alone here among total strangers!" " Except my Head Surgeon is here too." " But nobody else." " What about doctor Bruner." "He came with my Head Surgeon." " Yes, but nobody here knows me." "And most important, Daddy will never learn I was here." " What if somebody sees us?" " Who would see us?" "There's nobody here." " Let's hope." " What did you say?" " Let's hope." " I don't understand." " Let's hope!" " I see!" " Excellent!" "Leave the bottle here!" "Why create more effort?" "Economy above all!" "With money, with time, with everything!" "My superior colleague!" "How have you been?" "How much do you think that a glass like this could weigh?" " Well, my friend, some thirty grams." " Thirty grams." "Great." "Thirty grams of whisky, that is fifteen grams of alcohol." "How many of these glasses have I drunk?" " No idea, my friend." "How many has he had?" " Seven, sir." " Seven, sir." " Seven, excellent." "Seven times fifteen is one hundred five." "Let's say one hundred calories." "Understand?" "Too few for me, of course!" "I need at least one thousand calories in me if I want to be properly fit." "Understand?" " Do you know what I really like about you?" "That you have such a scientific approach." "A man can be a notorious alcoholic," " Yep." "...but if he has a scientific basis for it, he can get away with it." " Right." "Only this isn't alcohol." " But?" " But hidden heat which is released in your body." " Listen, my friend, have you practised this internal heating for a long time?" " Yep." "Why?" " You are lucky that you don't yet have a burned-out boiler and a broken pressure gauge." " No, it's not that bad, friend." "Here you are, have a drink." " Oh no." "I don't..." " Come on, have one!" " No, no!" "I don't drink that." " But it's whisky!" " Whatever it is, I don't like it." " Not whatever..." "Whisky!" "Yes, whisky!" "Have one." " Isn't it too strong?" "Battery acid." "Battery acid." "In one?" "Listen!" "Are you made of steel?" "It's not possible." "Listen, I wanted to ask you something." "What's your name?" "Your Christian name." " Osvald." " Ottoman?" " Not Ottoman!" "Do I look like a Turk?" "Osvald!" " Osvald!" "I see!" "Like Schwarzwald, right?" " Jawohl." " Listen, but tell me one thing." " Yes." " Why is this bottle standing here, when you need one thousand calories?" " That's a mistake!" "One thousand to get up from the table and go home." "One thousand before bed." "One thousand to fall asleep." "And the bottle is gone." "Everything is counted." " So, really you don't drink all that much unless somebody's hurrying you." " Whatever." "It's OK." "I'll pour one for you." " No!" " I'll pour." " No!" " All right." " I'm nicely heated already, thank you." " So just me then." "But cognac." "Hello!" "Cognac!" "Now listen, friend." "What do they call you?" " You can guess." " That's difficult." " Go by my face." " Spytihnev." " Nope." "I'll help you." " All right." "Omelette?" " No!" "Krys pin." "...tof." " I see, Krystof!" " Like Christopher Columbus." " That's a long name!" " You're right." "My mother called me Stofi." " Stofi!" "Jesus!" "I'll call you Stofi, too!" "May I call you Stofi?" " Of course!" "Why not?" "You may." "And I will call you Valdik." " And I will call you Stofi." " Fine." "So." " Listen, Stofi!" " What's up, Valdik?" " Could I ask you something?" "You know, entre nous." "Understand, that means just between us." " Yes." " You're not touchy, are you?" "What is it like at your hospital?" " What should I tell you?" "It's all the time, Krystof here, do this, take this over there..." " I can imagine." "You are there so they use you." "Myself, at the Company, I wouldn't change it for anything." "It's peace and quiet." "Nobody notices me." "I don't let anyone near me, and perfect!" " That's great." "And if you started pushing prescriptions under the door, it'd be heaven." " Listen." "I'll give you a piece of advice, all right?" " Yes." " Get out of there!" " And where will I go?" "I can't." " Where would you go?" "Do you think I'm not organized?" " Already?" " Yes, of course!" "Look!" "What should I tell you." "My brother-in-law is the Director of the Insurance Company!" "If you wanted, of course..." " Valdik!" " What?" " You'd put in a word for me?" " You know I would, Stofi." "Whenever you like!" " And when can I come and ask what the result was?" " Whenever you like." " On Monday?" " On Monday." " No, wait, I can't come on Monday." " Then come on Tuesday." "It doesn't matter." " But it would still be better on Monday, right?" " Well, of course!" "It's always better to start on a Monday." " If only I could come on Monday." " So don't." "Come, like I said, on Tuesday." " I'd also prefer Monday, see?" " So come then." " I would come..." "If only I could!" " So don't come then!" "Come whenever you want." " It's because..." "I'll tell you why I can't come on Monday." "On Monday my aunt is coming for the last time, you see?" " And never again?" " No!" " Excellent." " You see." "And I have to spend the whole day with her." "And because she's coming for the last time on Monday, on Tuesday I'll be ready to come." "Could I?" " Excellent!" "Listen, Stofi!" " What is it, Valdik?" " I'd like to ask you something." " What?" " Do you think that I'm a bad doctor because I drink here and there?" " You're a great doctor, and people should be grateful to you that even when you're stone drunk, you still perform operations." " Excellent." "Listen, Stofi, is it really hot here... or is it just me?" " It's not." "But you keep stoking the boiler like crazy." "I tell you, it's terrible." "I'm looking forward to the day the soot bursts out of you." "That'll be something!" "Chimneysweeps will have a field day!" " Excellent!" "Shall I have one more?" " No." "Look, I'll tell you this, it will be terrible when you get delirium tremens." " What do you mean?" "I get delirium tremens?" " Another ten bottles and you've got it." "Listen, Valdik, do you know the ballad of delirium tremens?" " Stofi, not at all!" " I'll recite it for you." "Listen carefully!" " If you'd be so kind." " In the darkest night the white stove tiles gleam dully." "The hospital cell is so drab, so exposed and rank that misery like lead creeps into your innermost soul." "Your wide staring eyes restlessly shine out of your wasted, drawn face," "hardly supported any more by your pitiful body." "You are shaking uncontrollably all over, like jellied offal brought by a waiter." "Your wide staring eyes hugely bulging like fried eggs." "Your body shivering in a cold sweat, from top to bottom, from your toes to your ears, jerking, your teeth rattling in your skull." "But an experienced doctor would say straight away:" "See the failing, shrouded intellect, slowing and stopping all mental functions." "Delirious hallucinations..." "But hear now!" "As if he was racing the wind, a rider's galloping to the Karlstejn Castle." "And then, tap, tap, tap..." "His body gripped in a frenzy of cramps, with mice coming from all sides, forming a parade, four by eight." "On the left, on the right, ahead..." "two divisions on the side with their leader at the front." "A white mouse." "And with quick and quiet steps the thousands start their march." "Rampadam, rampipidam..." "When the mouse parade is over, other foul creatures crawl out of cracks in the soil:" "Caterpillars, scorpions, moths, hideous beetles, slimy slugs, ravenous locusts with their staggering shadows" "and the praying mantises awaiting their turn." "And all of the vermin climbing up your weakened body, their teeth and spines digging into the helpless flesh." "And then, as if by magic," "all these foul creatures disappear." "When strange, different notes are heard." "They sound somewhere in the dark, so tender and pleasant to the ear." "And you can hear a terrible warning!" "Let this be a lesson to all those in need of it." "You poor little piggie." "Were you frightened?" " I was." " So go to bed." " My friend!" " What?" " Would you please help me to my room?" " Come on then!" " I swear to you" "I'll never drink alcohol again!" "Yuck!" " Here you are." " Thank you very much, thank you." " Hey!" "I'm being crushed!" " Hey!" "Mr Councillor!" "What are you doing here?" "I thought you were going to Pilsen!" " Quiet, please." "The trip to Pilsen didn't happen." " Really?" " Yes, and I have some rather discrete matters to attend here." " It'll be great fun when it leaks." " What you mean?" "Did you see me arrive?" " Not you, her!" " Please, keep quiet!" "My daughter must know nothing about it." " I see, you want to give her a surprise." " Yes." "But not now, later." " Stofi!" " What is it, Valdik?" " I want to go to bed!" " So, off you go then!" "I'm not going to carry you up on my back!" " I'd forgotten about him." "Is the doctor discrete?" " Not so much discrete as drunk, see?" " Stofi!" "Who's the gentleman?" " Don't tell him!" " Just a wayfaring stranger." " All right." "He did not recognize me, did he?" " No." " I rely on your discretion." " Please do." "Any time." " Thank you so much." " What?" " I thank you so much." " OK." " Have a good time." "Goodbye." " So Valdik, off you go home." "I'm off to the spring." " I'm going." "What an invention!" "Good god." " It's your duty towards me." "You have to drink the water." "We've been paying for this spa treatment for three weeks and you haven't drunk a drop." "Come along now!" " What's wrong?" "The gentleman doesn't like the water?" " He doesn't even want to hear about it." " Come on!" "You must convince yourself." "If I don't like the taste of something," "I must convince myself that I am drinking, let's say..." "What do you like to drink?" " Slivovitz." " All right." "Now you have to focus intensively." "Imagine you're drinking slivovitz." "Like this:" "I'm drinking slivovitz, I'm drinking slivovitz!" "Think of it!" "What willpower!" "Please, try it yourself if you like it so much, too!" " Yes, just try it, like the gentleman says." "Convince yourself!" " So, what are you drinking?" " Slivovitz!" " You see?" " Now I see why that devil Bruner comes here." "So, my friend, to your health!" "Good night!" "Thank you." " Mr Head Surgeon!" " Oh no, Tree Woman!" "What do you want?" " Mr Head Surgeon!" "I was looking for you." " For me?" " I've been so distressed since our conversation." "My head's ringing like a belltower!" " What's that to do with me?" " But Mr Head Surgeon!" " I have no time." " Please, hear me out!" " I have no time." " Just five minutes!" "Please!" "Please!" " No." " Just hear me out!" "Please, Mr Head Surgeon!" " No, don't come in here." "There'll be a scandal." "Don't come in!" " Where have you been?" "I've been ringing." "I want to order something for dinner and I can't find you." " At your service, here's a menu." " Good, let me see." " Did you see that?" " Yes, I did." " Do you know who it was?" " No." " My daughter." "Come here!" "Do you know which way the lady went?" " I don't, sir." " Who is staying in number fifteen?" " Mr Head Surgeon Marek." " And in fourteen?" " I don't know, sir." " A man?" "A woman?" " I don't know, sir." " And in number thirteen?" " The lady who arrived with you." " Oh yes!" "I know, of course." "You may go." " Good night." " Good night, good night." "So, neither thirteen or fifteen." "But number fourteen, well, we'd better take a look." " Open up." " Who is it?" " It's me!" " Who?" " Me!" " Is it a house search?" " But, sir..." " That's you!" " It's me." " I have no time." "I'm picking apples." " Dear sir, please accept my apologies for bothering you, but there has been an unfortunate incident!" "Just imagine!" "I've just seen my daughter here." "And she saw me." "As soon as she did, she screamed and disappeared in one of these rooms." " I hope you are not implying that your daughter is in my room?" "If that is the case, be assured that I will not hesitate to defend my honour with a pistol in my hand." " Come on, sir, who would think of blood?" "Consider, please, that neither fifteen nor thirteen can be considered!" " So..." " So number fourteen." "And that's what I want to ask you, if you would be so kind." "Do you know who is staying in fourteen?" " I don't." "But if I may..." "If I may give you some advice." " Yes?" " Go to the porter and he will tell you." "He keeps the record of visitors." " Oh yes!" " It'll be there." " That's a marvellous idea." " Mine." " My congratulations." "I'm very sorry to have disturbed you, but you certainly understand the awful situation I find myself in." "On one hand, my daughter and on the other, that lady!" " And your lady at home!" " Oh no, I'm a widower, she died!" " She knew why!" " Thank you sincerely and once more, my apologies for having disturbed you." " It's nothing." " You see, don't be offended, but my head is completely empty!" "I can't think what to do!" " Yes." " And just one more thing, if you don't mind." " Yes?" " Keep your eyes open!" " Yes." " If anybody enters..." " Yes?" "...or leaves..." " Yes?" "...let me know." " Yes." " Careful!" " Quick!" " Mr Head Surgeon..." " Quiet!" " Pardon!" " Come here!" "Daddy's here!" " So, any movements?" " Have you been to the porter?" " Yes I have." " What did he say?" " He said that some Mr Rozruch is staying in number fourteen." " Well, that's not your daughter!" " No, but she could be with him!" " Richard, what's going on?" " Oh, it's the young lady from the Health Insurance Company!" " Richard, I've been compromised!" " So why did you come out?" " What kind of meeting is here?" " Well..." "Mr Councillor just thinks that his daughter is in your room." " Not at all." "There is only this lady in my room." "Madam?" " Hello." " Mother!" " What?" "Your mother?" " Good day." "Who is this gentleman, Veruska?" " This is Mr Councillor Pena." " No!" "Wayfaring stranger!" " Mr Councillor!" "Happy to meet you." "My pleasure!" "I apologize - my name is Hornova." "Widow of a financial executor." " I'd rather not tell anyone." " I was afraid that my daughter was keeping company of some irresponsible green young man!" " No, this one's not green at all!" " Excuse me, madam, but I have not proposed yet." " Well?" " It's not yet possible for me." " Look at you!" "Are you one of those who want to disgrace and dishonour my daughter behind my back?" " Please don't say such things!" " I knew you were one of those!" "When my daughter told me I mean when people told me what was going on behind my back," "I decided to intervene!" " Look, I don't know." "This really does not concern me at all." "I have no idea what is going on here." " Well?" " I don't know you, nor this gentleman here, but if I might say something..." " Please go ahead." " You're spitting as far as here!" " Pardon?" " But, mother please..." " Madam please, don't get upset!" " I have a reason to get upset!" " You'll shake all your apples down!" " We need to clarify things!" " You may clarify things after the wedding!" " What wedding?" "I can't get married!" " What?" "She's fainted!" "Water!" " Water!" "Water!" " Where can we get any?" " Water!" " Take this, mother!" "Don't go in there!" " Water please!" "Water..." "Look at this!" "Mr Head Surgeon!" "After what I've just seen..." "I hope you know what you must do now." " I do." "I do." "To must give somebody here a good slap!" " Please, stop it now!" "You're going to have a whole fishpond in your stomach!" "You never know when to stop when you start something!" "Hey, let me smell your breath!" " If you would just sign here, sir." " Thank you." "The sooner I'm out of here the better." " Will you not bid your friends farewell?" " No." "I'm just glad they're not around!" " To which address should we send your mail, sir?" " I will not receive any." "But if anything arrives, send it, let's say, to Saint James' Hospital." " Of course." " Thank you." "So you're here already." "Just wait a moment." "We'll have to..." "we'll do it like this:" "You take this, this is for you." "My pleasure." "Goodbye." "SAINT J AMES' HOSPITAL" " Doctor, that one-hundred-and-twenty kilo patient is due for her X-ray in thirty minutes." " So?" "What about it?" " The nurses can't move her." " So what should I do?" "Should I get her an assistant?" " You should tell Rozruch to help them." " Rozruch has a day off." "You know that - his aunt." " Again?" "And so soon?" "She was here on Thursday!" " I know nothing about that." " Why does he look after her so much?" "He didn't have a holiday for two years, and now bit by bit for his aunt." " Maybe he hopes she'll make him her sole heir." " I just hope he isn't wrong." "I also had an aunt like that, who only promised." "Two months I looked after her night and day, and when she died she only left me a barometer and a cuckoo clock." " Well..." " Doctor!" "There's a gentleman here!" " What is it?" "I am sending Mr Klucek for an examination." "So, let Mr Klucek in." " Please come in." " Thank you." "Good day." " Hello." "Are you an Insurance Company client?" " No." "I'm here at my own risk." " I know." "What is wrong with you?" "Why did the doctor send you?" " It's my appendix." " I see." "Come with me then." " Yes." " Do you have any pains?" " Well..." "I did, sir, but now I don't." " When did it start?" " Last Wednesday." "It took three days." " All right." "Do you have a fever?" "I don't know, sir." "But my wife felt me and said that I was burning hot." " OK." "And had you consulted another doctor before you came here?" " Yes, of course." " Who?" " Our pharmacist." " Your pharmacist, I see." "He probably told you all sorts of rubbish." "I'd love to know what foolish advice he gave you." " He said I should see you." " I see." "So hold this and come with me." " Yes." " Now climb up and lie down." " Yes." " Maybe you don't need your hat." " Of course." " My good man!" "Stomach up!" " Sure." "You see, I..." "Yes." "And doctor, will it hurt?" "I'm a bit chicken." " No, it won't." "I'll just examine you." "What's the matter?" " It tickles!" " So don't stick your stomach out and it won't tickle." " Nurse, is Head Surgeon Marek here?" " He'll be here in a moment." "Take a seat, please!" " Thank you." " Doctor!" " What's wrong?" " It tickles!" " Don't speak!" "Does this hurt?" " No." " Here?" " Just a little." " Concentrate." "Does that hurt?" " No." "You missed." " I missed!" "Excuse me..." "Concentrate once more." " Yes." " Did that hurt?" " No." " Have you vomited?" " Of course!" " When did you start?" " I can't remember now, doctor." " And who should remember if not you?" " But I was just a little boy!" " But I'm talking about now, now that you're ill!" " Oh, now!" "I was thinking, you know, ever." " No." " Not now." " But you've got an irregular pulse." " What?" " Do you drink?" " I do." "And quite regularly, doctor." " And do you smoke?" " I do." "But not here, thank you." " So, you can get down now." "Go home for now, we won't do anything yet." "But come back in around three weeks and we'll remove it." "But if it starts hurting, come back immediately!" " All right." " And just to make sure, I'll write a report for your doctor." " Yes, that's a good idea." " Yes." " And, doctor?" "Shouldn't I put something on it?" " You can." "Put a cold compress on it." " But our doctor said warm." " But I say cold!" " Couldn't I apply both?" " What?" "What do you mean, both?" " Well, both of you would be right." " I said cold!" " Hot or cold, it's all the same to me." " O.K." " It's just that I don't want my doctor to be offended." " So, here you are." " Thank you." " Now go home." "Apply cold compresses, come back in three weeks and I'll take it out." " Good." " Understand?" " I'm to go home, apply cold compresses, come back in three weeks and you'll take out the little tube." " What little tube?" " This one." " Oh yes, of course!" "Wait a moment!" "Good." "You can go home." " Thank you doctor." " Farewell." " Sure." " Good day, Leon." " Good day, Mr Head Surgeon." " What a nice surprise!" "So both of you have come?" " Yes, I brought Vera along with me." "We must be nice to my future step-mother!" " Does she already know?" " And she's on our side!" " Heda has explained everything and told me about that unfortunate mix-up." " Great!" " And Vera has promised to help us come up with a good battle plan for us to convince Daddy." " What do you mean?" "You still haven't told him anything?" " No." "Daddy still thinks that you are Rozruch and Rozruch is Head Surgeon Marek." " Well, I'm curious as to how we'll get out of this mess." "Just think, ladies, if he came here..." " Well, he wants to come here." " Oh, brilliant!" " That's why we hurried over, so we could arrange things in advance!" " Daddy would be capable of marrying me to Rozruch!" " Then everything's all right." "We'll just tell him that I'm Head Surgeon Marek and nobody else." " No, we can't just explain it as simply to him as you did to me." " I see." "You have to be cunning with Daddy." "What can we do." "We'll have to devise a strategy." "Come into my study, ladies." "This way, please." " Yes." " Good day." "Nurse, I would like to speak with Mr Head Surgeon." " Mr Head Surgeon is in his study, so I'm not sure." "Anyway, nobody is allowed in here without being called in." "This is a surgery, and strangers are not allowed in!" " I understand, but I am not a stranger." "Mr Head Surgeon and I know each other very well." " It does not matter!" "What if there is an undressed woman in here?" " Well, I wouldn't mind." " I quite believe you, but she would!" " But, look here." "I'm a physician!" "Doctor Bruner." "Would you please announce me." " I apologise." "I'll do so immediately." " I'm sorry, I thought that you were the doctor who was sitting on that chair." " The doctor who was sitting on that chair is not here now." " But..." "You are..." "Yes, you are." " What?" "What am I?" " You are our head doctor from the Health Insurance Company, aren't you?" " You know me?" " Of course I know you, doctor." "Don't you remember me?" "Matyas Klucek." "I was at the Health Insurance Company with my appendix." " Right." "But what do you think?" "I have three hundred people a day in my surgery and you think" "I'm going to remember every Klucek." " That's true." "That's too much for any man, doctor." "They should get you an assistant." "But truth is that you know your job." "Before I could count to twenty, I had a recommendation to hospital." "And here, they're polite, too." "I am to come back in three weeks." " For an operation?" " Yes, something out of my belly." " A worm." " A worm?" "I thought I had an aggravated appendix but I'm worm-infested?" " Stop shouting!" "Come back in three weeks, they'll operate and everything will be fine." " I only was..." "I was wondering, doctor, if I should stay in bed?" " And why stay in bed?" " Well, I should apply cold compresses." " Cold compresses." "You can apply them at night." " That's true." " You'd like that, wouldn't you?" "Three weeks lazing around at home, getting sick benefits, then popping here for an operation..." " Yes." "...and then another three weeks lying around at home!" " Yes, you know what it's like, doctor." " That would be some life, wouldn't it!" "Now look here, my friend, let me tell you something." "Take a nice walk in the afternoon visit your GP on your way and tell him that you have been to see me and that I examined you personally and pronounced you fit for work." "Yes, and get back to work tomorrow morning at eight." "All right?" " So I'm healthy now?" " As a puppy, friend." " Thank you, doctor." "I feel somehow better already." "Goodbye." " Goodbye." " Mr Head Surgeon will be here shortly, doctor." "Two ladies have come to see him, but I told him that you wanted to speak to him." " Thank you, nurse." " Doctor Bruner!" " What a pleasure, my friend." "I came to see your Head Surgeon." " But, this is..." " What?" "Nurse, you are a terrible woman." " Mr Head Surgeon said..." " Don't tell me who said what," "I won't have it." "There's an operation in progress." "Go check on it!" " They really know who the boss is here!" " You know how it is, doctor, a man has to." "Women..." " Yes." "I know." "But listen." "What's up with your Head Surgeon?" "Will he be long?" " Yes, ages." "But couldn't I give him a message myself?" " Of course." "That's true." "You're his right hand man and anyway, you'll know all about this letter since you wrote it yourself." " What?" "I wrote a letter?" " Yes." "Here it is." " Dear doctor, in the name of Head Surgeon Marek," "I hereby inform you that the above named feels unable to apply for the position at the Health Insurance Company and requests you help in his stead a hard-working gentleman whom I will introduce to you tomorrow, i.e. Tuesday, if you pay me a visit." "At you service, Krystof Rozruch." "What a scoundrel." " Did you say something?" " Oh, nothing." " But listen." "Who are you actually recommending?" " To be quite frank, doctor, I don't know myself." "Doctor, come with me." "I want you to meet two young delightful ladies who will initiate you into an operation we are about to commence." "Please, come into my study." " My respects, doctor." " Rozruch." "A real gentleman, you look splendid!" " I know." " The loving nephew, am I right?" " Yes." " But it really suits you." " Yes." " Let me see." "Rozruch in all his finery." "This I've not yet seen." " It was my grandfather's." "He died at the Battle of Hradec." " I see." "But where have you been?" "At a wedding?" " No, at a funeral!" " A funeral, and whose?" "Oh no, not your aunt's!" " Yes, auntie." " The poor lady!" "And so sudden!" " She wasn't good for anything anymore." "So I let her pass away." " You know, Rozruch, my friend, what can we do?" "We all have to make that last journey." "One earlier, one later." " Yes." "I wish you bon voyage." " Come on, Rozruch." "Anyway, come with me." " All right." " Rozruch, it's good that you've come." "You can help me make up some plaster." " I'm afraid, doctor, with all due regret, that I will not be helping you with any plaster today." " But I am telling you that you will be making plaster with me today." " And I am telling you that I will not be making any plaster!" "Because of my mourning I will not be performing." " But, Rozruch, tell me, what has your aunt's death to do with me?" " That's true." "But anyway, today is my day off." " So what are you doing here if it's your day off?" " I may spend my day off as I see fit and where I fancy." "And if I like spending my day off here, here is where I shall spend it!" " Yes, but you came." " And I conquered." " No, Rozruch, I conquer!" "Because you will make up that plaster!" " Oh, no, doctor, I won't." " Rozruch, I bet that you will make up that plaster." " But I won't." "Bet what you like." " All right then!" " Wait a moment, we'll do it like this." "I'll give you an example." "If you answer this grammatical question correctly, I'll do it." "If you are wrong, you'll do it." " All right." " Now listen." " All right." " Which of the following is correct, seven and five is thirteen or seven and five are thirteen?" " Seven and five is thirteen!" " So off you go to make the plaster!" " Rozruch, please, I hope you're not saying my grammar is wrong!" "Seven and five is thirteen!" " Seven and five is twelve!" " This is too much, Rozruch!" "Whatever!" "Twelve or thirteen, you will make the plaster!" " I will not, I have won!" " Now, Rozruch, listen to me." "Let me warn you!" "If you refuse to do what I tell you," "I would have to report you to higher authorities!" " Be my guest, you can report it as high as the lightning rod if you like!" "I don't care." " You know what, Rozruch?" "You are impudent!" "This is really too much!" "But you won't get away with this!" "I will not allow some auxiliary staff to give orders here!" " Let me tell you something, too." "Just let me tell you something, doctor!" "I'll tell you what the staff say about you!" "That you are a notorious tyrant and all the staff have only one name for you - a slobbering Saint Bernard." " What?" " Yes!" " How do you dare talk to me like this?" "You are here to do what I say!" "And not to insult me by comparing me to slobbering Saint Bernards!" " I did not say Saint Bernards, I said a Saint Bernard!" " Enough!" " Yes." " You surely don't think you could impress me." "You have never finished your medical studies!" "You've dropped out of school!" " And you've completed your studies, right?" " Of course!" " And seven and five is thirteen!" "Right!" "You should return your diploma!" " That will do!" " Good day." "Good day to you." " Good day." " I'm so glad to see you!" "I've been looking for you everywhere!" " For me?" " Of course, who else should I go to with this terrible pain?" "With you practically being a member of my family!" " Me, the family?" "What do you mean?" " Well of course, with you also being the unwitting cause of my agony, too!" " You are too sensitive!" " Sensitive!" "I'm stupefied!" " But a reason may be different!" " It isn't." "I didn't sleep a wink last night." " Well, you shouldn't stay out all night then, should you?" " But I was at home, it was the pain that prevented me from sleeping!" " Really?" "May I take a look?" " You have to!" " Let me see." " Please." " Oh dear!" "The little devil's got infected." "We'll have to do some cutting." " Cutting?" " Oh yes, cutting." " Cutting?" " Oh, yes." " Out of the question!" " I've never been touched before." " Well that's exactly the problem." "If someone touched you when you were little, it'd have done you good." " But, please, couldn't we try to disperse it?" " Hardly." "You'd have to wait until there is a demonstration in the street and put your thumb in between the policemen." " No, what I meant was... don't you have some ointment?" "Something to put on it, you know." " How can you even think of it?" "Such old wives' tales!" "Do you want it to suppurate?" "To get a sepsis or phlegm and eventually lose your hand?" "Well?" " I don't want that!" " Of course." " Well?" " Wait a minute." "Who's on duty today?" "I'll call him for you, and he'll do it straight away." " Don't call anybody!" "If it has to be cut, then only by you!" " No, I can't!" " But you must, sir!" " No!" " But you must, sir!" " No!" " But you will!" " No!" " You will do it," "I understand that it's difficult for you to operate on your future father-in-law, but..." " He won't give up." "Father-in-law?" " Father-in-law." " Son-in-law?" " Son-in-law." " Let's cut then." "Do you want anaesthetic?" " Yes, please!" " The iron or the wooden version?" " What's the difference?" " The wooden is to hit you with a club, the iron one is with a hammer." " I'll leave it up to you." " All right." " Should I take this off?" " That would be good, yes." "Does it hurt already?" " No, but I'm worried I'll catch it on my sleeve, you see." "Oh dear..." " Nice and slow then, like this." "It'll be over shortly." " Will it hurt?" " I think so." " Oh dear..." " Come here." " What have I got myself into?" " I don't know, I'm not that intimate with you." " Sit down?" "Sit down?" " Sit down." "Sit down." " Thank you." "Thank you very much." " And your holidays are over." " I'd rather get up again." " Let's get down to it." "Come on, it's nothing really!" " That's easy for you to say." " Good." " What is that?" " Are you going to scream a lot?" " Why?" " Will you scream?" " Why?" " We would like to broadcast it, you see?" " Such torture to broadcast?" " Put it here." "Good." " But, what's that for?" " That's where I throw the fingers." " Why are you measuring me?" " For the coffin!" " Is my breathing all right?" " It is." " Is my breathing all right?" " Yes, your breathing is fine." " What is it now?" "But you can't just do it like this!" "This is impossible." " I can't watch this!" " What are you doing?" "Just fumble?" " Oh, I've forgotten to draw the guideline." "Wait." " Guideline?" " Guideline." " So, the guideline." "And you will just fumble?" "What What are you looking for?" "Oh, no!" "That's not the right one!" "That's not the right one!" " What?" " That's not the one!" "It's this one." " So why did you give it to me?" " You just grabbed it!" " I didn't!" " You did!" "Good." " But it's too low anyway." " I'll hold it like this." " But you won't..." "You won't be able to keep it up." " I will." "I will hold it up." " Well..." "I'll use this support." " What is it?" "What is it?" "What are you going to do with that?" "What are you going to do with that?" " It's an arm-rest." " Whose skull is it?" " A guy I operated on, too." "Would you like to leave a message for anybody?" " What are you saying?" "I'm not going to leave here?" " I did warn you." " Are you leaving?" " No." "I am putting on gloves." " I see." " So." " Will you put me to sleep?" " Yes." " You have promised to!" "You have promised." " Yes." "But you're not falling asleep, are you?" " Well, would you?" " Then I will have to give you an injection." " Yes, please." " Can you still feel it?" " I don't know." " Yes, you can still feel it." " The injection!" "Quickly!" " All right then." "I'll give you the injection." " Quick, quick, the injection!" "Quick!" "My injection!" "Give me my injection!" " Right away!" "Right away!" " Quick!" " Just a second." " Quick!" " Keep sitting!" "Keep calm, it'll be over in a flash." " Good." "Over in a flash." " Good." " So give me my injection!" "So." "Was that it?" " No." "Just testing my apparatus!" " I see." " Right." "Here we go." " Here we go!" "All right." "How will you do it?" " Just get ready." " I'm ready." " Does it hurt?" " Like the blazes!" "Like the blazes!" " I told you it would." " It hurts!" " Wait." "Has it gone through?" " I don't know." " See if you can feel it." " It's not through!" " Not yet." " So was that the injection?" " No, I was just making a hole." " Good Lord." "So..." "Is that all right?" " Yes, that's all right." " It's all right?" " Yes, it's all right." " Good." " So..." " You see." "It was nothing." "Did it hurt?" " Like crazy." " Come on." " It was terrible." " I told you it would be just a little prick." " Yes." "Please..." " I think it'll work now." " I don't want to see it." "Please, cover my eyes with something." " Sure." "In a second." " Cover my eyes, if you don't mind." " Sure." " I can't stand it, you see?" " Sure." " I'm too sensitive." " Sure." " If they were operating on you, that would be different." " Yes." " But if it's..." " Here we go." " Tell me when you start cutting." " Yes, in a sec." " You'll tell me." "Will you?" " Yes." " Excellent." "I can stand a lot, can't I?" "Anybody else would make a scene." "But I don't make a sound!" "Not a sound!" " What is going on here?" " Just a little operation, Mr Head Surgeon." "I've already finished." " Now listen here, Rozruch, this is too much!" "Under what authority can you carry out surgical procedures for which only a doctor is qualified?" " What?" " Daddy!" " What did you say?" "Who is Rozruch here?" " Mr Head Surgeon, I request you to take some action." "I have just been grossly insulted here by Rozruch, who was extremely insubordinate and called me slobbering Saint Bernards!" "We cannot allow the auxiliary staff to do whatever they like!" " I'm sorry, if this is Rozruch, then who is this?" " This is Mr Head Surgeon Marek of course." " Impossible!" "Good grief!" "He operated on me!" "He cut me!" "He cut me!" "I'm sure to get blood poisoning!" "I'm already going black, aren't I?" " No, you are not!" " I'm not?" " You're not!" " Help me with my jacket!" "Help me!" "You'll end up an orphan, dear child..." " I've got another bone to pick with you." "What's this?" " It's a letter!" " Yes, I know that!" "How did you dare write something like this in my name?" " I wanted to explain everything to you, Mr Head Surgeon." "But Valda here spoiled it all." "Right?" " We are not on first-name terms, all right?" " So what were you actually after with this dirty trick?" "Who did you want this position for?" " For myself, Mr Head Surgeon." " Listen here, Rozruch, this is bordering on criminality!" " I regret ever having met you, sir." " Do you?" "But in Rochov, I was good enough for you, wasn't I?" "It was Stofi here, Stofi there, Stofi this and that..." "And come to the Health Insurance Company, my brother-in-law has all the keys, he'll lend them to us?" "!" " But that was something else, a different situation!" "I thought that you were a real gentleman!" "And, that you were a doctor!" " But an ordinary Rozruch doesn't impress you." " What should impress me about him?" " So what if it is written like this?" "Mr Head Surgeon, would you please read this." " Nos, rector universitatis..." "...Christophorum Rozruch!" " Christophorum Rozruch!" " Doctoris medicinae." " Doctoris medicinae." "Christophorum." "Christophorum." "Christophorum." "Christophorum." " But how is it possible?" " Yes, friend," "I was also wondering how it was possible to work all day and study at night." "Your studying came naturally and easily." "Your father kept your head down and you had to study." "Your mother piled your food so high you were hidden behind it!" "But my mother died when I needed her most." "That meant to pay for my studies out of my own pocket." "I almost thought it would be too much for me." "But when I came here, I said "No way!"" "If someone like that can be a doctor, so can I!" "And I was right!" "I passed my last final exam on Thursday today I had a graduation ceremony." "And here is d-o-c-t-o-r Rozruch!" " Rozruch, dear colleague, give me a hug!" "You've given me such a wonderful surprise that I'll never get over it!" "Rozruch, so now you are like..." " No, I am not 'like'!" "I 'am' a doctor!" "Christophorum Rozruch!" " And what about that aunt?" " That was only a trick, it was a joke!" "I didn't want to tell you that I was taking examinations!" "If I had failed, you would have laughed at me like mad!" "Saint Bernard would have slobbered!" "Right?" " So he is a doctor, then?" " Yes." " Well, I offer my warmest congratulations!" " Thank you, Mr Councillor." " And thank you for your unselfish approach to my operation!" " Oh no, there was nothing unselfish about it." "Are you insured with the Company?" " No, I'm not." " Are you on social support?" " No, I'm not either." " That means I will get two hundred and fifty crowns for the treatment!" " Of course, with pleasure!" "Can you please take it?" " Yes." "One, two, three..." "I don't have change, so I'll keep it all." " Sure." " So, colleague, here's one hundred for your help." "Mr Head Surgeon won't take anything of course, so the rest is mine." " But I hope you are our future junior doctor." " Oh no, Mr Head Surgeon." " Stofi has a job at the Health Insurance Company!" " I've got an undemanding job at the Health Insurance Company!" "The End"