"Would you excuse me for one second?" "Of course." "Darling, I don't mean to pry, but would you mind telling me what you're doing down there?" "Would you mind telling me what that girl's hand is doing on your lap?" "Excuse me?" "You heard me." "Perhaps you'd like to involve the table." "I'm sure her date would be interested." "Okay, great." "You've made your point." "Which is what, exactly?" "Pacey I want to go home." "Now." "I'm tired, I'm cranky and I know you didn't read the fine print in our rent-a-date contract but it expires in 35 minutes." "Maybe you could just get her phone number?" "Okay, sis." "Hold it down. lt'll be fine." "She thinks I'm your sister?" "Oh, will you look at that?" "Did I not mention to you what a wonderful opportunity this was for me?" "Yes." "That's how you suckered me into coming, but you know what?" "We've networked, we've schmoozed." "And unless you take me home now, as in right now I think Miss Thing over there isn't going to be interested when she sees your sister lean over and give you the kiss of your life." "Five minutes." "We'll leave in 5 minutes." "Thank you." "Great, everything seems to be fine down there." "Sisters, you know?" "Yeah?" "The guy I'm with is my brother." "He is?" "No." "Oh, right." "Look, I don't want to beat around the bush." "You seem like a nice guy." "So then you wouldn't mind if I called?" "Sure." "You could call me, I could call you or I could ditch my date and you could ditch your sister." "And we could meet back here in an hour and go to my place." "If you don't want to do this, if you're really with that girl...." "That girl?" "The one that's under the ta" "Oh, that girl." "Oh, no." "No, no, no." "I am most definitely not with that girl." "So it's a date?" "Yes." "I'll see you in an hour." "Finally. I got my shoe." "It was all the way across the table." "Was it?" "Then problem solved, whatever the problem was." "We should be going." "Wait, let me get my shoe." "Come on, Cinderella." "You have a hot date?" "No, a beautiful woman did offer to have sex with me, no strings." "You're so cute when you're delusional." "Pace, I just have one question." "Shoot." "What the hell is happening to my butt right now?" "That'll be the seat warmer." "Which comes on all finer German automobiles." "My lower half thanks you for moving so far up the socio-economic ladder." "Pacey, wasn't that turn we just sped past the way out of these suburbs?" "Yes, it was, but you and I are gonna be making a little pit stop." "Pit stop?" "Oh, no." "Perhaps I didn't impress the importance of being home in bed, and out of these clothes as soon as possible." "I have an entire book to read before class." "Okay, simmer down." "This is gonna delay you two minutes." "What do you need, anyway?" "Need?" "The reason for the pit stop?" "The thing you can't live without until tomorrow?" "Laundry detergent." "Laundry detergent?" "Yes, laundry detergent." "In the time I've known you, I don't think you've ever done laundry." "You don't have to come." "Wait in the car." "You expect me to wait while you're traipsing around the superstore?" "Right." "Wrong." "It's cold, it's scary and if you must know, I have to use the bathroom." "You have to go to the bathroom?" "You didn't even want to stop." "Do you want to argue?" "Or should we continue the 1 0-mile trek to the front of the store?" "Why did we have to park so far away, anyway?" "I spent 2 1 I2 months' salary getting Dawson's house scraped off her." "You think I wanna leave her in the hands of those citizens?" "Great. lt's closed." "It can't be closed." "There are still people inside." "Good night, now, folks." "Drive safe." "Hey!" "What the hell are you lamebrains doing out there?" "The Monte Carlo!" "Watch the Monte Carlo!" "Oh. I'm gonna go-- -l know where you're going." "We're gonna be closing soon." "Okay." "Very nice." "There you are." "Come on." "Let's" "Could you hold on for one second?" "No. I need you." "Need me for what?" "You can't go to the toilet by yourself?" "Yes." "That's exactly it." "What?" "Okay." "Can you just wait" "No. lt can't." "And why weren't you with the laundry?" "Okay." "Let's go." "Thank you." "You're welcome." "You have to ask right." "is your sense of adventure so lacking you could not have used this washroom unattended?" "Pacey, the outer door doesn't lock." "Somebody could've walked in." "So?" "So...." "Chatting with strange men in public washrooms isn't a life experience I need, thank you." "Who is going to walk in?" "There's nobody here." "And the whole store's gonna close in 5 minutes anyhow." "Oh, they're still here." "Yell." "Hey!" "Hey!" "Mister!" "Mister!" "Hey, help!" "Hey, buddy!" "This isn't happening." "This isn't happening." "He's gonna see the car." "We're parked in another zip code." "If we point fingers, we should point them at the bladder that got us into this situation." "He's leaving." "l can see that, thanks." "He's getting in his car and leaving us here." "Okay." "Let's not panic." "Who's panicking?" "l'm panicking, Pacey." "This isn't where l want to be." "I have an" "Entire book to read, I know." "When don't you?" "And just so you know this is not exactly my ideal situation either." "Well, let's not snipe at each other anymore." "Okay." "You know what?" "We need to think logically." "Right." "Well, this one's locked." "Hey, any luck?" "They're not real phones." "What do you mean, they're not real?" "Cleanup on aisle 4." "Cleanup on aisle 4." "They're just intercoms." "We can call Housewares, but we can't communicate with the outside world." "Please tell me you found a back door." "No." "Not one we can open, but there's always your cell phone." "ln my purse. ln the car." "Great." "Pay phones." "Pay phones." "I think they're...." "No, officer." "Not stuck, like, in the snow." "Stuck as in locked in." "No." "Nobody's life is in danger." "But please don't put me back on hold" "Okay, fine." "Hang up." "We'll call 91 1 ." "We can't call 91 1 ." "Why not?" "We're stuck." "We're stuck in a giant structure with massive quantities of food clothing and all the latest home video equipment." "How does that qualify as an emergency?" "Are we in some sort of danger I'm unaware of?" "Yes, we're in danger of getting you home late, and we can't have that." "Since when do you care?" "About what?" "Getting me home on time?" "Since forever. I don't want you to be lax in your studies." "There's important homework to be done, books to be read." "What book is it?" "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas." "Fear and loathing?" "You're paying $35,000 to be told to read Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas?" "You could do that on your own." "I could do that on my own." "Shut up." "Something's happening. lt's ringing." "Good." "I'll have you home in no time." "Or we'll rot here." "It transferred me to some sort of automated response system." "Press 1 to file a complaint about noise." "Press 2 for traffic violations." "Here, you listen." "Can I have your coat?" "I'm freezing. it's freezing in here." "What's wrong with your coat?" "Mine looks nice." "It wasn't intended to keep anyone warm." "Especially not wearing only silk." "Okay, fine." "Hold this for a second." "Better?" "Thank you." "You should press zero, see if we can get a person on the line." "You don't have any gloves, do you?" "No, I didn't br" " Hello." "We're stuck in a gigantic Kmart." "Yes, as a matter of fact, you did talk to us earlier." "Hey, hello?" "No, please don't put me back on hold." "God." "What?" "Are these yours?" "Those?" "Yes." "These prophylactics I found in your pocket." "Oh, those." "Yeah, actually, they are." "But we should concentrate on the matter at hand here." "This is why we stopped?" "We're stuck in here because you had some pressing need for birth control?" "Yes, because that's the kind of responsible guy I am." "But it doesn't look like we're gonna get out of here so it's a moot point, so if you could just" " Hello?" "Hello, hello." "Yes, hello." "No, that's fine. lf you could please make sure that they do call us back." "The number is 61 7-555-01 89." "Thanks for" "Okay, well, at least now we're making progress." "What?" "What's the look for?" "lt was that girl from the party, right?" "You were on a date with me and you picked up some other girl..." "...and were gonna go to her place" "Slow down." "We were not on a date." "Which is only the first thing wrong with that sentence." "Pacey, my entire night is ruined." "My night's not going to plan either." "Ruined." "For some booty call?" "Okay, let's just take a little time out, because you and I we're not having this conversation." "Oh, why?" "Because you don't want to talk about sex with me?" "Do you want to talk about sex with me?" "Well, no, but I usually don't want to talk about sex with anybody." "Thank you." "Now, if we could move on, our night will be much more pleasant." "After you tell me why you don't want to talk about sex." "One would think this would be obvious." "Perhaps it has to do with how calm and cool and non-judgmental you are about it." "Oh, you know what?" "I don't approve." "Okay?" "There. I said it." "I refuse to sit here and pretend like this is all fine, because it's ridiculous." "Do you hear yourself?" "You can't help it." "This is why we don't talk about sex." "It's the secret to our entire friendship." "You've lost me in your sea of pronouns." "Well, okay." "We are friends, right?" "Yes." "So, what is the secret to our long-lasting and angst-free friendship?" "What is the one thing that keeps it going year after year after year?" "We suck at meeting people." "Wrong." "We do not, under any circumstance, talk about sex." "I may be having it, you may be thinking about having it." "But we don't discuss it." "That way we avoid awkwardness." "And in avoiding the awkwardness, we are able to maintain our friendship." "It's a preventative measure." "l solve the problem before it starts." "But, Pacey if we're such good friends, why is there any awkwardness?" "Because not too long ago, we were more than just friends." "Yeah, but we're not anymore." "Doesn't matter." "The damage is done." "So as far as you're concerned, I slept with you and then took myself in and got revirginized?" "In my mind?" "Yes." "l never slept with Eddie or Dawson-- -l told you, I don't want to hear this." "So what you're saying is that the only way you and I can continue being friends is if we lie to each other about our sex lives." "If we take that whole giant aspect of our lives and just pretend it doesn't exist?" "Worked for you and Dawson." "What?" "What did you say?" "l said it-- -l heard what you said." "I just can't quite believe my ears." "is there anything untrue about that statement?" "N-- No." "No." "Then what's the problem?" "Did it ever occur to you that maybe I don't want to live my life this way?" "That maybe I have grown up?" "Have you?" "What is that supposed to mean?" "lt means, simply put that you don't care who I sleep with." "I could've had sex with that woman on the table and you wouldn't have batted an eyelash." "Pacey, you slept with my roommate for an entire year." "I think it's a little late for me to get skittish on the topic of you and other women." "Don't make me spell this out." "Do you not understand what I'm talking about?" "No, I don't. I really don't." "I mean, do you?" "Because I'm a bit confused here. I mean are you upset because I'm upset?" "Are you upset that I'm not upset?" "Are you upset that I'm not upset enough?" "l" "Pacey, we broke up." "We moved on." "Was I supposed to feel miserable about the way things ended?" "Okay, well, you know what?" "Now that you brought it up, yes." "A couple of months wouldn't have hurt." "I'm not asking for the lifetime you've devoted to Dawson..." "...but just a couple of months." "Unbelievable." "Pacey." "I can never win, can I?" "I guess I can't. lt's like taking my head and beating it up against a rock." "I mean, who had more sex?" "Who was with who longer?" "Isn't there some boy calculus you can use to figure out who won and just leave me out of it?" "Right, because God forbid I might just be talking about you and me right now." "There is no you and me, Pacey." "We moved on. I'm sorry I didn't dash myself into pieces when you broke up with me, but you know what?" "Life goes on, no matter how ungratifying that may be for your ego." "This is not about my ego." "No?" "Really." "Then what is it about?" "Why would you want to go back?" "Why go back..." "...down that road that ends with you-- -l know where this road ends." "So, what good can come of it?" "Tell me. I mean, why do you all of a sudden want to revisit something that is better left" "Well, are you gonna answer that, or are we gonna finish this?" "We could live for a thousand years, and we would never finish this." "Hello?" "Well, yes, obviously we're still here." "No, we don't have anyplace to go, now, do we?" "Well, yes, officer, I realize that we're fairly low on your priority list, but" "Well, no, I wasn't aware of the freezing rain." "I'm sure that does cause quite a few accidents." "Well, we'll continue to sit tight here." "If you could send someone out as soon as possible, that'd be great." "Thank you." "You, too." "Joey Potter, you're needed in electronics." "Joey Potter to electronics, please." "Is this thing on?" "Okay, well...." "Hey, it's me." "Obviously." "So if you could just step a little closer and don't worry, I'm not gonna bite." "I come in peace." "Look, you and I  we're gonna be here for a while." "For quite a while." "So I think it would be best if we could come to some sort of truce." "And to facilitate this truce, I'm willing to admit, on camera, that yes, indeed I am an ass, which you probably already know." "Better than most people." "Perhaps better than anyone on earth." "But I digress." "My proposal is this.." "That we leave the past in the past, which is where it belongs anyway  that we try and mak e the best out of this bad situation and that we get comfortable." "To wit, I bought you something." "Well, I didn't really buy you something." "Perhaps "procured" would be better." "Anyway, you get my point." "It's on the counter." "I'm not so sure about the sizes anymore, because it's been a while but we can always exchange it." "And if you accept my proposal you will have at your disposal the ability to mak e me do one thing I really do not want to do." "Which is not to say that you don't always have that ability." "But I kind of figured that that's how this whole night started." "You were doing something for me that you really didn't wanna do." "Which is what friends are for." "Okay." "Sayonara." "I know what I want." "Shouldn't I be getting you out of tho--?" "Later." "Would you mind telling me where it--?" "Later." "I thought you said those shoes were killing you." "You're kidding, right?" "You said one thing, Pacey." "l said one thing that would help you." "Changing my appearance helps?" "Believe me if I don't see that thing on your face anymore, I will consider myself helped." "Here." "You're really gonna make me do this?" "Yeah." "After all we've been through together." "So this is what it comes down to, does it?" "Okay." "But I want you to know one thing." "I'm not going down without a fight." "Please." "Pacey." "Pacey." "Pacey!" "Pacey?" "Pacey!" "You're only delaying the inevitable." "You know, you're only making it worse for yourself." "Much worse." "When I catch you, who knows what other parts I'll require you to shave." "Pacey." "I think I ran into an auto display case or something." "Oh, help me." "I think I'm bleeding." "Aisle 3B." "Bring Band-Aids." "I wouldn't make any sudden movements if I were you." "You wouldn't dare." "l would." "I don't like that suit you're wearing." "How much did it cost, 5, $600?" "Move it." "Back it up." "Hey. I told you to wait for me." "I am." "Okay, go." "This is your last chance to change your mind about this." "Pacey, it's a beard." "It'll grow back." "Not that it should." "What's the big deal, anyway?" "You know how ballplayers don't change their socks during a winning streak?" "No." "Well, they don't." "Because they respect the streak." "And you perceive yourself as being on some sort of winning streak?" "Yes." "Caused by that thing on your face?" "Yes." "Fine. I give up." "You give up?" "You're giving up easily." "Yeah. lf it means that much to you, Pacey." "I mean, I have no desire to monkey with some centuries-old sports tradition." "I wouldn't want you to lose the Triple Crown or whatever." "I just wanted to see your face again. ls that a crime?" "No." "So that's it." "End of story." "It's just that easy." "Yeah." "But you are gonna have to change your socks." "I said, B-3." "Okay, fine." "You sunk my battleship." "I officially suck at this game." "Well, we can't all be master strategists, now, can we?" "So, what's next?" "Operation?" "Risk?" "What do you want?" "What?" "Can I ask you a question?" "Yeah, fire away." "Are you happy?" "Me?" "Yeah. I mean really happy not superficially, we-all-have-our-health happy." "Why?" "Are you?" "Yeah, I think I am." "Which is weird because it's not like there's anything all that spectacular going on in my life right now. lt's just that...." "l don't know." "I guess I feel different." "Like, I've always had this tendency to assume that change, when it happens can only be for the worse, you know?" "And lately, I kinda feel like that's not true." "Like, whatever's waiting for me out there may not be that bad." "And even if it is then not knowing about it might actually be the good part." "I don't know." "I don't know that I'm making any sense." "It sounds like what you're trying to say is that you really like that guy." "That guy?" "Yeah." "That Eddie guy." "Yeah. I did." "But the past as they say, is the past." "And that doesn't change the fact that you never answered my question." "I don't really have to." "How could I not be happy?" "You've seen my car, right?" "Pacey." "Real answer, please." "Real answer?" "Okay, fine." "The real answer is this." "I currently have in my life everything that I could possibly want." "Except one thing." "What's that?" "Nachos?" "Please tell me you're really not gonna eat that." "You nixed my whole build-your-own-sundae idea." "Yeah, it's a little too cold for ice cream." "It is never too cold for ice cream." "Why do you always eat during key moments of our relationship?" "I don't know. ls this a key moment?" "It would've been if you let me get that thing off your face." "is this letting it die?" "We've established that the theme for the evening is picking at old scabs." "Can I have more, please?" "Less ice this time." "Less ice." "You know I think I missed my true calling in life." "Jerk?" "l meant soda." "l know." "It just wasn't all that funny." "So can I get you anything else?" "A little cotton candy?" "Gross." "You want a pretzel?" "No. I think those were probably made when I was a virgin." "Oh, yeah." "The good old days." "But you're right." "We don't want to fill up on starches before we raid the candy." "Pacey, we can't eat candy this late at night." "We'll rot our teeth." "So then we'll brush them." "And if we're feeling crazy, we can floss." "That's the thing about being locked in a Kmart." "You can do anything in a Kmart." "You can fill up on sugary snacks." "You can catch up on your dental hygiene." "In fact, I'm starting to like this idea so much, I may never leave." "Oh, my God." "Homework." "Come on." "Wait, bring popcorn." "I thought this was supposed to be about the American dream." "What's more American than bitter invective rampant paranoia and gas-guzzling Caddies?" "What am I supposed to say tomorrow when Hetson puts me on the spot?" "Throw the words " post-modernist" and "subjectivity" in." "You'll be fine." "I'm beginning to see why you're so good at your job." "Oh, yeah?" "Why is that?" "Because you're so full of" "Now, that's not called for." "We don't make fun of my source of income." "Come on." "Let's go." "Why?" "I'm bored with sitting." "Let's do something active." "No." "No?" "It's my turn to choose, isn't it?" "We discussed this." "There will be no bikes, rollerblading and no hockey pucks." "Come on." "Those weren't real hockey pucks." "They were the little plastic indoor ones." "I think the goal of the evening should be to avoid head injuries." "Fine." "I still got something for us to do." "I promise you this is not going to hurt." "How could you make a promise like that about what we're about to do seeing as you've never done it?" "Because I've never done it doesn't mean I'm not good at it." "I was good at sex, wasn't I?" "Sorry." "Forget that." "Sore subject." "Anyway, if you're so worried about potential blood loss you could always do it yourself." "Well, I think I've already displayed that I just-- l lack the iron will necessary to do this." "Good." "Okay." "Now." "The important thing to remember is not to move." "And no talking." "Last chance to bail." "It's hard to tell you I wanna bail if I'm not allowed to talk." "Blink twice or something." "That's no solution. lt presupposes that I'm gonna stop blinking." "And who stops blinking?" "Really, that" "Okay, shut up." "Regular or menthol?" "Are we smoking or are we shaving?" "Pacey Witter, friend to women." "I think it's better to go with sensitive skin." "Okay." "It's okay." "Don't be shy." "Okay." "Okay." "This is harder than legs." "Although not dissimilar to knees" "Sorry." "There." "Hello, chin." "You're back." "Well, I was never really gone." "You weren't?" "It kind of seemed like it." "What was that?" "I don't know." "But you remember you said you were willing to be surprised by the future?" "Yeah." "Surprise." "How come you don't seem surprised?" "Maybe because I've wanted to kiss you ever since I saw you in that outfit." "No not that outfit." "The one..." "...the prev" " Well, I mean, not" "Wait, wait, wait." "You've been wanting to kiss me all night?" "Yes." "Even when you were yelling at me?" "Especially when I was yelling at you." "When you were flirting with that girl?" "Yeah, then too." "So is this some sort of recent new development in your life?" "Wanting to kiss you?" "No. lt's sort of always there." "Like white noise or the Secret Service or the threat of nuclear war." "Just something you get used to." "And that doesn't at all freak you out." "Well, yes and no." "Which one, Pace?" "Yes." "Explain." "I don't know that I can." "Try." "Okay, well.... lt would be fair to say that I haven't been feeling friendly toward you lately." "You've been feeling more than friendly." "Yes." "And the only way you could express that was to pick a fight with me." "I suppose the answer to that would also be yes." "Why is that, exactly?" "l do not know." "You must know something." "What I know is that you and I were one of the few things, perhaps the only thing that ever made total and complete sense in my life." "That's what I know." "You know we fought constantly." "Oh, don't I know it." "And there are reasons why you and I didn't work. I mean, valid reasons." "l-- l mean" "My life is finally" "Right where you want it. I know." "Pacey, I don't know what to say." "I'm flattered." "I'm confused, I'm stunned." "Are you wishing I hadn't said anything?" "No." "I just need to...." "Can I just sleep on this?" "Yeah, I think that can be arranged." "Hey, Pace, did you--?" "Put all the stuff back?" "Yeah." "Though some of it we're gonna have to pay for, like the clothes." "Pacey, did you--?" "lf the next words are "take out the trash," l'll have a preview of what it'd be like to be married to you." "And?" "lt ain't pretty." "I was going to say did you know?" "Did I know what?" "This was a dream come true?" "Which part?" "All of it." "When you and I were on the boat I used to dream that we'd be castaway somewhere." "You know your standard tropical island with the white sand beaches and giant stars overhead." "We'd wear no clothes and we'd splash in the surf all day." "And then at night the moon would be this...." "Well, this giant thing." "And it was always full." "I like this fantasy." "I'd catch fish with my bare hands." "Make fire without matches." "l'd make the fires." "Who paid attention in science class?" "Okay, good point." "Besides, it's my fantasy." "And I guess I never told you about it before because it's embarrassing, you know?" "I mean, it's not at all original." "In any case, you were right about one thing." "What's that?" "There are about a thousand reasons why you and I would never work." "There's one thing in the pro column." "What's that?" "It doesn't mean what you think it means." "Well, then what does it mean?" "Well, it means that well, I'm cold." "And I'm still thinking about it." "And I miss you, Pace." "I miss you too." "Dude." "This is totally uncool." "Joey?" "Five more minutes." "No, I think now would be a good time." "Why?" "Like, I mean you're allowed to, like, test things and stuff but the manager is gonna be...." "Like, his mind is gonna be blown." "There's no need to call the manager, because we were just about to leave." "Hey." "Hey." "So is this, like, your girlfriend?" "No." "We just sleep together from time to time." "Do you have a problem with that?" "Very nice." "So this is it." "Yes, it is." "There were no security tags on these?" "No." "You should probably look into that." "And this." "A DVD that's opened." "Oh, and this too." "Okay, and a razor that's opened." "Okay, and your total is $98.1 5." "l can pay you back." "My purse is-- -l got it." "Seems a small price to pay for a dream come true." "I hope you found everything you were looking for today." "Well, not everything, but we found what we needed which, as you know, is sometimes just as important." "In a spiritual sense." "Because if you found everything you needed today what would be the point of tomorrow?" "lt just wouldn't seem worth it." "He's on a day pass from the asylum." "But I should let you know that I will be writing to the home office about this." "You will?" "Yeah." "Because this store is perfect just the way it is." "Don't change a thing." "Thank you." "Home?" "Home." "You could offer to carry one of these things." "Sure." "And you are letting me drive, right?" "Drive?" "My car?" "Have I lost consciousness?" "That's the only circumstance under which you would drive." "You wouldn't have a problem if you hadn't taught me how to drive...."