"(VACUUM CLEANER BUZZES)" "You've missed a bit!" "My sincere apologies, Your Highness(!" ")" "Can I fluff a couple of pillows for you?" "That would be lovely." "Thank you!" "You said you'd help me with the cleaning." "Doesn't sound like something I would say." "I know." "It's right up there with, "No, please, I insist on paying for dinner."" " Hi!" " Oh, hello!" "Did you have fun with Mum and Dad at the zoo today?" "I saw a pigeon." "A pigeon!" "Well, that's worth the price of admission." "Mummy, please can I go and get a drink?" "Of course you can." "Thanks for taking me to the zoo, Dad." " Any time, kiddo." " Ah-ha, Mark!" " It's good to see you again, Ben." " Yes!" "Give him time." "He doesn't know you like we do." "Well, we're seeing a lot more of you of late." "Well, got a lot of time to make up with Kenzo." "Not all of us could be amazing parents like you straight off, Ben." "He really doesn't know you like we do." "No, really, you make being a good dad look easy." "Oh, well, I don't like to brag." "You have to be good at things to brag." "Right, um, I'm off, then." "Er, speak to you later, Janey?" "Yeah." "Today was lovely." "Thanks, Mark." " Bye, Mark." " Yeah." "Good man, that Mark." "Glad to see he's stepping up." " Do you want something to eat?" " No, thanks, Mum." "Craig's taking me for dinner." "Oh, really?" "I'm so glad Craig's found time in his busy schedule as a shiftless layabout to let you buy him dinner." "Have you ever heard the expression," ""If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all"?" "No." "How about, "If you don't stop talking, I'll smother you in your sleep"?" "Yeah, that rings a bell." " All right, Benno?" "How are you, mate?" " Gainfully employed." "You?" "Yeah, well played." "That's as funny as the first 25 times you've said it." "(CHUCKLES)" " Hi!" " Oh, wow, you look amazing!" "BOTH:" "Mwah!" "Ah, and you smell amazing, too." "Well, she's showered - it's an old English custom." "Hang on a sec." "I had something for you here..." "Now, where did I put it?" "Oh, no, I must have left it somewhere." "Oh, my gosh, you are as cute as a kitten." " Grrr!" " (SLAP!" ")" " (GIGGLES) - (GROWLS)" "(SLAP!" ")" "Well, I guess we'll be off, guys." "Nice talking with you." "Come by any time, Craig." "Any time I'm not here, Craig." "Nice boy." " I'll really miss him." " He likes her, she likes him - what is your problem?" "I just think she can do better." "And I think one day she'll appreciate me for pointing it out." "Mmm, perhaps you're right." "God knows, I wish somebody had done the same for me!" "OK, so what can we do for you today, Mr..." "Best Friend?" "!" ""Best Friend"?" "That's a bit..." "Top of the morning to you, Mr Best Friend!" "Roger, what are you doing here?" "I just came by for my annual cleaning." "Which you had two months ago." "My semi-annual cleaning, then." "Roger, it is your holiday." "Your holiday." "That means you don't have to come in to the surgery, and I get to have a pleasant week." "I don't want to be on my own, Ben." "I miss being in a relationship." "Will I ever find love again?" "Of course you will, Roger." "Of course you will." "There are lots of desperate women out there." "You think?" "Mmm." "Somewhere out there is a hopeless loser who has completely given up." " But where do I find her?" " Well, one thing's for sure," "Roger, it won't be in here." "Ah, Mark!" " Hello." " Come in, come in!" "What can I do for you?" "Wanted to have a moment, if I could, sir?" "Sir!" "Entrez, entrez." "Have a seat." "Can I get you a mouthwash?" "Only joking. (CHUCKLES)" "There was something I wanted to discuss with you." "You're a good man, Ben..." " Ben, there are no women out here..." " Out!" "...man of integrity, old-fashioned values." "One tries." "One tries." "And I've been trying my best of late to live up to the values you represent as a father." "Well, it's a hard act to follow, Mark, hard act to follow." "Which brings me to the purpose of my visit." "Now, I know I've made mistakes in the past but I'm a different man now." "A better man." "And I'm interested in being more than just Kenzo's father." "I'd also like to be..." "Janey's husband." "Plot twist." "You see, I want to ask Janey to marry me so the three of us can be a proper family." "Why would you want me living with you?" "!" "Kenzo." "Kenzo, yes, sorry!" "(CHUCKLES)" "So, from a father who can only hope to measure up to your standards," "I'd like your permission to ask for Janey's hand in marriage...sir." "Well, you have it, sir." "You have it indeed." "Thank you!" "And I promise to repay your largesse by making your daughter as happy as you make Susan." "Ooh...aim a little higher, OK?" "A l-little higher." "Craig!" "I'm afraid you've just missed Janey." " Actually, I came round to talk with you." " Coffee?" "Er, sure." "Yeah, there's something I wanted to discuss with you." " You're a good woman, Susan." " Yes, I know." "And beautiful." "If you insist." "You know, they say..." " Milk?" " Er, sure." "Yeah, they say..." "Sugar?" "Er, yeah, yeah." "They say that if you want to know what a woman will look like when she's older, just take a look at her mother and, er, standing here with you now," "I just know that Janey's only going to get more and more divine." "They do say that, don't they?" "Sit." "Um, the thing of it is," "I love Janey, and I know I don't have much to offer her in the way of fancy things - you know, cars and jewellery - but I want to grow old with her and I want to get your blessing" "to ask Janey to marry me." "Isn't it traditional to ask the father for his blessing?" "Ah, traditions were made to be broken... especially when Benno is the father." "You have my blessing." " Ask away." " Ah, thank you!" "Thank you, Susan." "I'm going to make Janey so happy." "And my husband so mad." "It's a win-win for all of us." " Biscuit?" " Oh, sure." "Hang on." "You're not going to hit 35 and metamorphose into some misanthropic misogynist, are you?" "I don't know any of those words." "Welcome to the family, son." "# I've got big news. #" "Not as big as my news." " I don't think so." " Oh, but I do." "I bet your news is crap news compared to my news." "My news will slice up your news like a salami." "OK, well, I had a little visit today from a certain gentleman caller of Janey's." " You did?" " I did." "And did he ask you for something?" " He did indeed." " And?" "I gave him my blessing." " You did?" "!" " I did." "Oh, Ben." "I am so proud of you." "I invoke pride in others, 'tis true." "What's your news?" "He came round to the house and asked me for my blessing, too." " He did?" " Mmm, he did." " Are you upset?" " No." "No, no, no." "I mean, it's traditional that the father's blessing carries more weight but, er..." "I thought my blessing would have been blessing enough, but..." "For a sneeze, maybe(!" ")" "Anyway, let's not argue." "This is good news." " It's great news - the best." " Yes." "So you're happy?" " Very." "You?" " Very." "I wonder where Janey and Craig will go on honeymoon." "Well, I hear Morocco..." "Janey and Craig?" "!" " Yes, why?" " You mean Janey and Mark?" "Mark?" "!" "Mark asked for your blessing to marry Janey?" "Yes, and I gave it." "But they're not even dating!" "Well, they should be." "I can't believe you gave Craig your blessing!" " Craig and Janey are in love." " So were we and look how that turned out." "Don't you want Janey to be happy?" "When did marriage have anything to do with happiness?" " I guess I'm sleeping in the spare room." " Yes, you are." "Morning." "What are you two fighting about today?" "Nothing." "What makes you think we're fighting?" "You're in the same room." "It's just that your m..." "A friend of ours is having a little problem." "Well, actually, their daughter does." "Yes, it seems that she's going to get two marriage proposals from two different guys." "(CHUCKLES) What a slapper!" "Well, her father wasn't around much." "Yes, and her mother is an overbearing control freak." "Anyway, apparently, this woman has got to decide between the responsible, working father of her child..." "Or a cute, fun-loving Australian." "(COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS)" "Mark and Craig want to propose to me?" "!" "Who told you?" "How do you two know this?" "Well, because Mark, being a proper gentleman, came to me and asked for my blessing in the traditional manner." "And Craig, knowing your father to be an imbecile, asked me for my blessing." "Wow!" "Well, this is kind of cool." "Two men want me and it's not even Friday night." "So tell me, when they do get round to asking, who do you think you'll go with?" "Mark, or Craig?" " Mark?" " Or Craig?" " Mark?" " I honestly don't know." "It depends on what they have to say, how they say it, and how I feel when they do." "I guess my heart will answer for me." "My guy is going to win." "My guy is going to win, OK?" "So in your face, Susan!" "Stop it." "Stop it, Ben." "This is not about you and me, this is Janey's life we're talking about." "It's time for us to step back." "What, so we stay out of it, yeah?" "Leave the decision to the kids, right?" "Precisely." " Completely?" " Entirely." " Done?" " Done." "Thanks for the coffee darling." "You're welcome...sweetheart." "(PHONE BEEPS)" "Susan?" "Ben?" "Who were you calling?" "No-one." "Who were you calling?" "No-one." "Then why did you pick up the phone?" "I was just about to clean it." "OK." "Bye, then." "Susan!" " Susan!" " Janey is marrying Craig." " Over my dead body." " Oh, fine!" "We'll find someone else to walk Janey down the aisle." "She is marrying Mark!" " Craig!" " Mark!" " Craig!" " M...!" " Aw..." " Oh, I'm so stupid, I forgot my keys." " Ah, lovely." " Yes." " Mm..." "Mark!" " Craig!" " Look, Susan..." " No, you look, Ben." "I am going to help Craig put a marriage proposal together that will make Janey swoon." " Yes, from nausea, no doubt." " Oh, you think you can do better?" "Look, I do know a thing or two about asking a woman to marry me." "Remember?" "As I recall, you were so drunk, you muttered something about two lives becoming one before heaving and passing out." "As I recall, you said yes." " I was drunk, too." " Oh... (KNOCKING)" " Hi." " Hello, Janey." "What's up, Rog?" "Oh, I'm just making the most of my week off." "How are you, Janey?" "Yeah." "Oh, sorry, sorry, Rog, my mind was somewhere else." " Oh, my mind does that, too." " Yeah." "Slips out for a coffee." "Never know if it's going to come back or not." "No, it's just I've got a decision to make." "A big decision." "Involving love." "Urgh." "Don't talk to me about love." "Love and I are... (JUMBLED GROANS)" "Your father said that somewhere out there is the woman for me, but where on earth do you start?" "Oh, don't give up hope, Rog." "The right girl for you could be a lot nearer than you think." "Hmm..." "Dad's in the kitchen." "BEN:" "I would be happier if Roger asked Janey to marry him!" " Hello." " See you at the wedding Dad, Mum. (CHUCKLES)" "All right, Craig, listen up." "You're going to have to get your head out of the clouds and your arse in gear if you want to win this thing." "Win this thing?" "!" "I mean, make Janey happy." "I-I can't tell you how much it means to me, you helping me out." "It's not always that easy for me to express what I'm feeling." "A man who can't express his feelings?" "I don't believe it." "Well, I'm here to help." "Now, I know money is tight, so I've got a ring for you." "Oh, but I already have a ring." "It's, um, it's simple, it's modest, it's elegant..." "It's crap." "Here." "This is white gold with an antique amethyst and diamond inlay." "Janey will love it." "Wow!" "Thanks." "I can't believe you're being so generous." "Well, I'm not." "It's Ben's." "It belonged to his grandmother." "She and Benno must have been pretty close, eh?" "No, he won it off her at poker." "Now, you want to take Janey out to a nice place for dinner to propose." "No girl wants to be asked the most important question of her life" " at Chicken Cottage." " Right." "Yeah." "So what are you thinking?" "Nando's?" "You know what?" "I'll make the reservation for you." "There's a wonderful French restaurant that Ben takes me to whenever he screws up." "We eat there a lot." "So I guess you'll be wanting to hear my proposal?" "It's still a bit rough..." "Oh, well, just let me hear it, and I'll tweak it a bit." "Right." "OK." "Janey, my heart was cold until your warmth filled it." "My world didn't turn until you walked beside me." "You're the sunlight on my face, the air in my chest and the beauty in my life." "There's no words to convey all that I feel for you, so I guess "I love you" will just have to make do." "Will you marry me?" "Oh, who am I kidding?" "It's all a bit rubbish, isn't it?" "It's a start..." "It...is...it's it's definitely a start." "I really appreciate your help here, Ben." "I'm a businessman." "I know how to write a contract, not a marriage proposal." "Mark, just relax, OK?" "When it comes to matters of the heart, you are talking to the love doctor, OK?" "Now, what have you got?" "Thought I'd just speak from the heart, tell Janey I had feelings for her." "Even feelings of love." "No, no, no, that's so been done." "Come on, what else have you got?" "Well, um, I suppose I could tell her I've been working really hard, had a fair amount of success, earn a six-figure sum, got a boat..." " Dinghy?" " Yacht." "...a chateau in France and a small estate in Argentina which we're really excited about, because the winery has had a great first year and we're exporting to America and..." "Who am I kidding?" "Janey's not going to be impressed by that, is she?" "It's a start..." "It's...definitely a start." "(PHONE RINGS)" "Yeah?" "...Hmm?" "Chez Maurice?" "No, I've not made a reservation." "Oh, my wife did." "Why?" "What have I done wrong?" "What?" "Oh, for my daughter?" "It's for Janey." "Ah, right." "I see." "Yes, thanks very much for calling to confirm." " Who was that on the phone?" " Nobody." "Nobody?" "Nobody." "Why do you ask?" " No reason." " Mm-hm?" "Why are you acting so strangely?" "I'm not acting strangely." "What about you?" "You have anything to feel guilty about?" "Why should I feel guilty?" "You're the one on the phone to nobody." "Was I?" "Why are you answering my questions with questions?" " Am I?" " Yes." " Really?" " Stop it!" "I swear, you get weirder by the day." "Do I?" "Mark?" "Thank you, yes, it's me, "Sir", yes." "Mark, listen, meet me tonight at Chez Maurice, 7.30, Chiswick High Road." "Yeah." "Yes, good boy, good boy." "This time tomorrow, Janey's going to be the new Mrs whatever your name is." "Craig, is everything OK?" "Yeah, yeah, why wouldn't it be?" "You just seem a little nervous." "What would I have to be nervous about?" "I don't know." "Maybe... you wanted to ask me something?" "Ah, well, actually, er, Janey, the thing of it is..." "Yeah?" "I-I, um..." "Monsieur, are you ready?" "Stop rushing me, please!" "For the love of God, I'll do it in my own time, OK?" "!" "I meant are you ready to hear tonight's specials?" "Right, er..." "can you give us another few minutes?" "I will await our next conversation with great enthusiasm(!" ")" "So, you were saying..." "Ah, yeah." "Janey, I, um..." "Janey, you're the most... that I've ever and... and I'm well, you know, for the most part, and since we're both...you know?" "So, yeah, what do you say?" "You didn't actually say anything." "Really?" "!" "Really?" "I thought I made a heap of good points there." "Listen, I'm going to use the ladies', so why don't you think about what you want to tell me, huh?" "You stay here." "I'll get rid of the wombat." "Craig!" "Oh, thank God, I've found you!" " Ben!" "What are you doing here?" " It's OK, it's OK, it's, er..." "Look, I know we've had our differences, all right, and I know how much you mean to Janey, but I'd hate to see you deported." " Deported?" "!" " Ssh!" "Ssh!" " All right." "It's OK!" " What are you talking about?" "It's just that immigration turned up at the house, apparently a bit of a mix-up vis-a-vis a visa." "Vis-a-vis a visa?" "Yeah, exactly, and it sounds pretty serious." "But it's all a big mistake." "My papers are all in order." " Yeah, I know." " What should I do?" "I think you should get over to the house, go and sort it out, let nothing stop you." "Right!" "Oh, will you tell Janey I had to go?" "I would be delighted to tell her you've gone." "Thank you, Ben." "See you later." "Good luck!" "Good luck." "Mark!" "(WHISPERS) Ssh, ssh, come here!" "Make me proud, son." "(SIGHS)" "Mark?" "What are you doing here?" "Is Kenzo OK?" "Yeah, don't worry." "He's fine." "Um..." "Where did Craig go?" "He had to go sort something out." "Um..." "Janey, er, it's just I really need to talk to you." "Can you join me?" "OK..." "The thing is, Janey, um... when two people have known each other as long as we have, they develop a certain..." "fondness and, um, one hopes that that fondness can turn into something other than fondness." "A deeper... fondness, for example." "BEN:" "Focus!" "Right, um..." "We've been through a lot together, Janey." "We're both parents to that amazing little man." "And because of that, I thought...we..." "Yes?" "Can I get you anything, madam?" "How about a man who can ask me a question?" "(SIGHS)" " Craig, what are you doing here?" " Ah, it's a little emergency." " I'm being deported." " What?" "Yeah, your old man was good enough to come down the restaurant and tell me about the immigration guys." "Did he, now?" "How very thoughtful of him(!" ")" "Where are they?" " You're coming with me, Craig." " But my visa!" "Trust me, if anyone's leaving the country, it'll be Ben." "W-what I'm trying to say is, you know, not to put too fine a..." "If you look at the bigger picture..." "You do know this place shuts at eleven, right?" " Janey..." " Yes?" "...you are a wonderful woman." "Will you...?" "Where is he?" "Where is that idiotic husband of mine?" "Ah, never mind." " This one's on you." " What are you doing?" "!" "Oh, I'm so sorry, I have a drink problem." "What's going on?" "What's everyone doing here?" " Mark is about to propose to you." " What?" "!" " No, Craig is about to propose to you." " What?" "!" "Go on, Mark." "Do it before Craig, then his won't count." "Wait a minute, hold on." "What the hell are you two doing here?" "She secretly invited him for dinner to get Mark out of the way." "And he threatened Craig with deportation to get him out of the way." " Because I don't want her to marry Craig." " And I don't want her to marry Mark." "Sorry, how about what I want?" "!" "Never mind what you want, it's not important!" "Now come on, do your thing." "Um, Janey, you mean everything to me." "Look at the size of that, Janey!" "You know what they say about men with big diamonds." "They're overcompensating." "Size is very important, Susan." "Don't I know it(?" "!" ")" "I can't believe you two." "You've actually taken sides." "No, we haven't." "Craig, get on with it, do your thing." "Janey, I can't live without you." "Janey, he will literally die without you." "Do you want that on your conscience?" " Janey, I..." " Oh, please, look at the size of this!" "That's so small compare..." "This is my grandmother's ring!" "You snooze, you lose." "This is a family heirloom, Susan." "I'm going to have to take this off eBay now." "Just shut up, OK!" "You're all mad!" "Come on, do your proposal, do it!" " CRAIG AND MARK:" "So will you marry me?" " BEN AND SUSAN: ...him?" "I can't believe this." "You're both ruining this for me!" "I must ask you all to leave, maintenant!" "Mesdames et messieurs, I do apologise for this disturbance." "I can only assure you the rest of the evening will be free of this circus freak show." "(MARIACHI BAND PLAYS)" " Janey Harper, will you m...?" " (BAND FALTERS)" "Well, um, this is awkward." "I thought this was a Spanish restaurant." "Oh, come on, Janey, let me explain!" " We're so sorry, darling." " What the hell is wrong with you two?" "I am a grown woman." "I don't need you deciding who I should spend my life with." "You hear her, Ben?" "It's not for you to decide." " You too, Mum." " Oh." "I mean, what makes you think you can run my life better than I do?" "It's a gift." "And what the hell were you two thinking, taking advice on marriage from my parents, of all people?" "!" "I mean, look at them!" "Yeah, look..." "Steady on, Janey!" "This was a big moment in my life and you two mucked it up beyond repair." "I mean, how much worse could this night get?" "(MARIACHI BAND PLAYS)" "Janey Harper, will you marry me?" "No!" "(BAND FALTERS)" "So, Janey, what's the decision?" "Look, Mark, you're a good friend and a great dad to Kenzo, but I don't want to marry you." "And Craig, I don't want to marry you either." " And Roger..." " She's reconsidered." "...we've never talked for more than ten minutes, and you're dressed like a Spanish bandit." "So everyone just leave me alone, OK?" "(DOOR SLAMS) ...I didn't hear a no." "(SIGHS)" " Craig, I just need a minute." " Please, Janey, hear me out." "I just need to ask you something." "Craig, don't..." "Janey, please," "I want to speak for myself for once." "I have to ask you a very important question." "Will you date me?" "What?" "Janey, I love you and I do want to marry you, but not right now." "You know, there's plenty of time for that." "I just want to keep things the way they are." "So will you do me the honour of messing about down the pub, having a laugh and being my girl?" "I will." "(GIGGLES)" "All right, shall we go out there and tell them we've sorted things out?" "Oh, Craig, you still have so much to learn." "Come on!" " Pub?" " Yes." "(DOOR OPENS AND SLAMS)" "I guess we've learnt an important lesson." "Couldn't agree with you more." "Which lesson's that?" "We shouldn't interfere in other people's love lives." "I don't know, I don't know." "With all our experience at dealing with matters of the heart, I think we could really help someone." "Mind you, some people are really beyond help."