"Good evening." "Tonight, we offer you a generous portion of mystery, a pinch of comedy, just a soupcon of a commercial, all seasoned by a few irrelevant comments from your host." "As you may know, food is a hobby of mine." "I don't claim to be an expert cook, but I am rather a good eater." "If you will wander into my kitchen," "I'll allow you to watch me as I concoct some delicacy to tempt your palate." "I cannot abide careless cookery." "Let me see." "I've..." "I've just added 10 cc's of sugar." "All that is left is to add the white of one egg." "And by the white, I do not refer to the clear gelatinous substance inside." "Naturally, I mean the shell." "This is where most amateur cooks make their mistakes." "While you are waiting for me to finish," "I suggest you turn your attention to tonight's story." "It is called," ""Conversation Over A Corpse. "" "It sounds like perfect dinner conversation." "Who laughed with delight..." "You..." "Frown..." "In the old church yard..." "Gave her a smile..." "And trembled..." "And alone..." "Oh, it's you, Joanna." "Who else would it be?" "Oh, those are the cookies you're going to serve." "Yes, Joanna." "Sprinkle them with cinnamon." "Then he won't taste the tea." "Do you really think we ought to do this, Joanna?" "After all, Mr. Brenner's a very nice man." "Mr. Brenner is not a nice man." "There's nothing nice about him." "He wants to cheat us out of this house." "Cissie, do you want to move out of our home?" "Oh, no." "No, why, I wouldn't know where to go." "At our age, we have roots." "We don't want to pull them up and move." "But we did sign the option." "Or, you did." "We didn't have any money then, did we?" "Now we have." "Since the insurance policy money came, we can live well for the rest of our lives." "But you did sign the option, and Mr. Brenner does want this house so much." "Mr. Brenner won't want anything when I've finished with him." "Oh, Cissie, when you serve the tea, make sure that it brews long enough for the capsules to melt." "It won't hurt poor Mr. Brenner, will it?" "Mr. Brenner is cheating us." "He's always cheated everyone." "He wants to tear this house down." "I don't see why anyone would want to tear this house down." "It's not more than 100 years old, and it's in very good condition." "No, Joanna, no, I don't think I want to do this." "We'll just give Mr. Brenner his money back and that's all there'll be to it." "I've told you time and time again that you're to do as I say." "You're hurting me, sister." "You're hurting my wrist." "I want it understood that you're to do as I say." "Very well, sister, but you're hurting me terribly." "If you had an ounce of common sense, you would realize that we can't give Mr. Brenner his money back." "He has a signed option and he wants his property." "I just don't seem to understand business, Joanna." "No, you don't understand anything." "You're very stupid." "I suppose I am." "Without me, you would have been put out of here long ago and ended in the poor house." "I don't want that." "Then do as I say." "Yes, Joanna, yes." "I'll do as you say." "We'll give Mr. Brenner the tea, and he'll just go gently to sleep." "Won't he?" "Yes, he'll sleep." "Just so he feels nothing, there's no pain." "I don't like pain, Joanna." "You hurt me that time." "It's the only way I can make you understand." "But I do like Mr. Brenner." "At least, I think I do." "That man understands and appreciates nothing but money." "Money, money, money." "44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, $5,000, Mr. Brenner." "Yeah, and that's more money than those two old dames have seen in their lives." "Seems a shame to tear down that old house." "I'll have them out of there in a week." "And the day after, I'll tear the place down." "Just the same, it seems a shame." "I've been after that property for 10 years." "For a while I thought I'd have to kill them to get it." "I might have to, at that." "Good afternoon, Mrs. Cushing." "Very nice of you ladies to feed me." "And such good cookies, too." "Do you like the tea, Mr. Brenner?" "Oh, fine, fine." "It's a special blend we use for guests." "Well, now ladies, suppose we get right down to business." "It's a shame to spoil such a nice talk with business." "Well, it's a world of business, Miss Enright." "You know, keep the wheels turning, your nose to the grindstone." "Just when do you ladies expect to move out of the house?" "Move out?" "Well, yes, you'll find it mighty uncomfortable to be sitting here while they tear down the place around you." "Tear it down?" "Tear down this house?" "Cissie..." "She's very easily upset." "So I see." "Well, I thought you understood" "I wanted the land the house is built on, not the house itself, no." "That must come down." "Frankly, Mr. Brenner, we've changed our minds." "Well, you can't do that." "This is an option, you signed it." "I gave you money and you accepted it." "You must realize..." "But, Mr. Brenner..." "Cissie." "Option or no option, Mr. Brenner, we are not going to sell this house." "Oh, but you must!" "As a matter of fact, you did!" "You're getting so upset, Mr. Brenner." "Have another cup of tea." "No, no, thank you." "I'll take you both to court." "I'll have everybody laughing at you." "They'll put you away!" "I don't know what's the matter with me." "I..." "I'm so tired." "I can't seem to..." "Cissie, clear away the tea things." "Don't you think Mr. Brenner should have another cup of tea?" "He doesn't need it." "What did you do to me?" "You have just taken enough poison to kill 10 men, Mr. Brenner." "Catch him, Cissie!" "I'm sure it isn't going to hurt a bit, Mr. Brenner." "There." "That's done." "He doesn't look very comfortable." "Clear away the tea things, Cissie, and be sure to wash each cup thoroughly." "I don't see why I have to hurry, so." "I want to look at Mr. Brenner some more." "Cissie, will you please do as I say?" "Shall I read Mr. Brenner's tea leaves?" "He has no future." "He's dead." "Oh." "Now what?" "Nothing." "What do you mean, "Nothing"?" "Answer me." "Why, Joanna, your tea leaves say "Death. "" "Oh, you've just mixed the cups, that's all." "Here, let me help you." "Oh, you never finish anything." "Now, let me see." "Is that everything?" "Well, yes, I think so." "Everything, that is, except Mr. Brenner." "Doesn't he look natural?" "Now, what are we going to do?" "With everything so rushed and you distracting me with those tea leaves," "I just can't think of everything!" "We've got to do something about him!" "Well, we could put something over him." "Cissie, please." "We've got to dispose of him!" "Well, let me think." "We could bury him in the cellar." "That happens to have a cement floor." "We could bury him in the wood shed." "Yes, we could ask Barney to dig a hole when he comes to do the yard next week." "We have to dig the hole now!" "Now, go and get the shovel and start." "I can't dig a big hole like that, Joanna." "You know that it would take me all night." "Very well, then, I'll do it." "Do you think he's really dead?" "Isn't he supposed to be stiff?" "Give the man time, Joanna." "He's awfully heavy." "Maybe we could take him out in sections." "Sections?" "Oh." "But wouldn't that be terribly untidy?" "I mean, mama's rug." "Oh, yes, I suppose so." "Oh, what a nuisance it all is." "Maybe we could drop him down the old well." "It doesn't have a cover on it." "But we could put lots of things on top of him and then we don't need to divide him up, we could just drop him in." "Yes, let's do it right quickly." "You take one foot, and I'll take the other." "He's alive!" "Oh." "Oh, what a nuisance this is." "Now we have to kill him again, somehow." "Why doesn't anything ever go right?" "Now what am I going to do?" "Well, why don't you suggest something?" "You're in this as much as I am!" "All right, Joanna!" "I've got an idea." "If I could only get up, move, do something." "Here's papa's elephant gun." "He always kept it loaded." "It's much too noisy." "I'll get something." "My, now he can wiggle his eyebrows." "There, this is better, I think." "Joanna, mama's rug." "It would ruin mama's rug." "Oh, yes, I didn't think of that." "A blunt instrument." "That's what they always use." "We must get a blunt instrument." "Blunt instrument." "I have it, Joanna!" "I have something!" "Hurry, Joanna, he just moved his head." "I'm coming." "Here." "What do you think of this?" "Oh, no, no, no, no." "That's not blunt enough." "Here, this is better." "I suppose so." "Well, of course it is." "Here." "Well, go ahead and hit him." "Well, hit him!" "I can't." "He keeps rolling his eyes at me." "Oh, very well then, I'll do it." "Now you see what you've done." "I can't do it either." "We've got to think of something else." "There must be some neat way of doing it." "If just a little will kill a fly, a whole can should do Mr. Brenner." "It'll be neat and very sanitary, too." "Now, see what you've done." "You stirred him up." "He's coming to." "We've got to do something quickly!" "We could poison him again." "But we've used up all the capsules." "I know, weed killer." "We didn't use it all on the roses." "There's some still in the shed." "I'll get it quickly." "Meantime, you come right here, Cissie, and watch him." "If he moves, hit him on the head with this." "Cissie, get police." "Oh, I couldn't do that." "It wouldn't be right." "Look, your sister's out of her mind." "Don't you say that." "Don't you dare say that!" "She was talking about taking me out in sections." "Oh." "Oh, you mean her." "She isn't my sister." "What do you mean?" "Her name is Abigail." "She came here to take care of my sister, Joanna, almost 30 years ago." "Papa was dead then and mama didn't live long afterwards, and then they took my real sister, Joanna, away, and I was very unhappy about it." "Yes, but call the police." "Mr. Brenner, you are not being very polite." "I haven't finished telling you about Joanna." "Never mind." "Please." "Then Abigail said it would be better if we moved and she'd say she was my sister and then people wouldn't make cruel remarks." "I don't like cruel people, Mr. Brenner." "They upset me very much." "Oh, if you'd only call the police." "You know, I think Abigail has been pretending to be Joanna for so long, she believes it." "Sometimes, I find it hard to remember she isn't my real sister, too." "But she's cruel." "She's like you." "She's cruel and not nice at all." "I don't see how I can keep her from killing you, Mr. Brenner." "If I could only move, get up, do something." "Yes, it's a pity." "Because in a little while, when it's too late, you will be able to move." "You see, I only put half the amount of powder in your tea that she intended." "That's why you're not dead yet." "Half the amount?" "Oh, yes." "If I hadn't, you'd never have regained consciousness." "Cissie, you..." "You saved my life." "I don't like to see people suffer." "If you helped me once, why can't you do it again?" "I'm afraid you'd take my house away from me, Mr. Brenner." "Oh, no, no, I swear I won't." "I swear it." "How do I know I can believe you?" "Cissie, Cissie, there's plenty of it." "And it says on the label," "How do you think we ought to give it to him?" "Oh, with orange juice, I should think." "That's the way I always take those nasty medicines." "Cissie, you've got to help me." "My, you're doing very well." "Come closer, come closer." "Don't you see what Joanna's trying to do?" "Oh, yes, she's going to poison you again." "No." "She's going to say it was you who killed me, that it was all your doing." "Oh, she wouldn't do that." "Of course she will." "You know that." "She's going to have you declared incompetent, and then she'll have you put away." "No, she mustn't." "Then you'll lose your house, money, everything." "What can I do?" "Hand me that gun, please." "There." "That will do it, I think." "Joanna, is it true you're going to say I was the one who killed Mr. Brenner?" "What?" "And are you going to tell people I did it because I'm insane?" "Whatever put such a silly idea into your head?" "Well, I've thought for a long time that you wanted me to be put away in a sanitarium, like they did my real sister." "Someone gave you that idea." "Who was it?" "Mr. Brenner." "We had a very nice chat." "Cissie, you're not making this up?" "Oh, no." "He's feeling much better, and I think he's going to take our house away from us." "Don't you think you'd better do something about it?" "Oh." "Obscure and alone..." "Of a granite so gray..." "Oh, my." "Is Joanna dead, Mr. Brenner?" "She tried to kill me with that ax." "My, my, she always was an impatient one." "Better call the police." "Yes." "I think the police should know about this." "But first, let me ask you something, Mr. Brenner." "You won't take my house away from me now, will you?" "Oh, well, of course, I'll give you a fair price for it." "Enough for you to buy a little, little place out in the suburbs somewhere." "You don't want a house as big as this all by yourself." "I brought you a drink, Mr. Brenner." "I thought it would give you strength." "What is it?" "Whiskey." "It's very good." "It's been on the shelf for years." "Whiskey?" "Why, Cissie, you're a marvel." "Oh, that'll fix me up." "Yes, it will, won't it?" "Now, don't you want to call the police?" "Yes, I'll call the police." "Never forget you for this, Cissie." "Just never forget you for it." "Hello?" "Get me the police." "Yeah, quick." "Who is this?" "Oh, Lieutenant." "Lieutenant, this is Brenner," "Herbert Brenner, the real estate man." "I'm at the Enright home." "Tell them Joanna isn't my sister." "Just a minute." "What?" "Tell them Joanna isn't my sister but a cruel woman who made me say she was." "Okay." "And tell them that I helped you and it was Joanna who gave you the poison and tried to murder you." "Okay, okay." "Lieutenant, Joanna Enright was a phony." "She wasn't Cissie's sister." "She was some sort of a nurse that muscled her way into the house." "What's that?" "Oh, she's dead." "I killed her, just as she was about to murder me with an ax." "Of course I'm sober." "A little groggy, that's all." "Some sort of poison Joanna put in the cup of tea." "Tell them I was the one who helped you." "Cissie saved me." "If it hadn't been for me, you'd be dead now." "Yeah, dead now." "I..." "I can't hold head up much longer." "That stuff that Joanna gave me..." "Thank you, Mr. Brenner, for telling the police exactly what happened." "My, my, I hope they hurry." "Everything's so upset." "She was no sissy." "As a matter of fact, that was her downfall." "She wanted to steady her nerves before the police came, so she took a flew slugs." "Very sad." "Except for the newspapers who detected a love triangle." "The picture papers had more fun than at a hanging." "Well, so much for tonight's cooking demonstration." "I hope I've made everything clear." "Next time, I shall show you how to prepare an exotic delicacy," "White hunter a la Mau Mau." "You'll be the talk of your neighborhood." "I shall also reveal one of my own culinary secrets, how to remove the wrapper from a frozen food package without tearing the directions." "Good night."