"Welcome to CPI Consumer Affairs, my name is Erica." "Which one of our fabulous products are you calling about today?" "I just, I just opened up a can of your tomato soup and there is a big fat rat turd right in the middle of the soup." "Well, I am very sorry to hear that sir," "I can help you with that today but first, I just need to verify a few things." "First of all, are you sure the foreign particle in question is a rat dropping?" "While rare, sometimes bits of meat can contaminate our vegetarian soup products." "It's a rat turd." "Okay?" "Do you want me to send it to you?" "Do you want to taste it and see if it's a stray piece of prime rib, or do you want to go ahead and trust me that there is in fact a piece of rodent shit in the middle of my soup?" "That won't be necessary, sir." "There is no need to preserve the can in question, you can go ahead and dispose of it and I can send you a coupon for a free replacement can of soup." "How does that sound?" "That sounds pretty God damn weak!" "You know, rats caused the plague, you know?" "I could sue you." "I'm very sorry for your inconvenience." "Because of your extreme circumstances, I can offer you a coupon for a dozen cans of soup, one each month for a year." "Would that be satisfactory?" "Yeah, I guess, fine, whatever." "Great." "Let me just take down your information and we can get that right out to you." "Please hold." "Yeah, I heard there's mercury in these light bulbs." "There is a trace amount of mercury used in the manufacture of our compact florescent bulbs, but there's no danger to consumers." "Is your bulb damaged or broken?" "I don't think so." "Which one of our fabulous products are you calling about today?" "Yeah, hi, um, my, my popcorn setting, it's, uh, it's still burning my popcorn." "I can help you with that, but first, I need to ask you a few questions." "Did you remove the popcorn bag from the plastic wrapper?" "Oh..." "Um, let me call you back." "Is the toilet bowl cleaner safe for animals?" "Excuse me?" "My dog keeps drinking the blue water and I think it might be making him sick, he keeps foaming at the mouth." "How do I know if the makeup is working?" "This pizza is not as good as delivery pizza." "How do I make my eyes pop?" "See, I'm having a little situation with your instant glue." "This TV gets the same channels as my old TV." "What color goes on my T-zone?" "In my day, you could buy a whole barrel of pickles for a nickel." "It says layer to desired result." "How do I know when I'm there?" "Which one of our fabulous products are you calling about today?" "I'm calling about my crockpot." "Pet Lovers dry cat food mix." "The 18 volt shop-vac." "The Ready Made Nachos pack." "Mini pizza bagels." "Hemorrhoids cream." "The DVD player." "The plant food." "I can help you with that." "Yeah, um, I put the Blu-ray disc in and nothing happens for like ten minutes before it plays." "CPI's Blu-ray players actually have some of the best load times in the industry but as Blu-ray's a new technology, advances are being made every day to provide innovative new features, interactive online play and improved disc access time." "That's improved?" "So it's supposed to suck?" "Welcome to CPI Consumer Affairs, my name is Erica." "And which one of our fabulous products are you calling about today?" "Hi, I'm calling about your lawn mower!" "It just cut off my toe!" "Sir, you need to hang up the phone and call 911!" "I can't..." "Your number was on the lawn mower so I called you and I don't know what to do." "I'm starting to panic, I'm losing a lot of blood here." "What do I do?" "Are you crazy?" "How long have you been waiting on hold?" "What do I do?" "Can you tell my mom I love her, Erica?" "Hang up the phone and call 911 now!" "Listen to me, hang up and call 911!" "Gotcha!" "Get a life, you little shit." "You sound cute." "What's up?" "And which one of our fabulous products are you calling about today?" "I'm calling about all of them, ma'am." "Yeah, 'cause I know CPI's working with three of the five branches of Government." "I know that you're trying to brainwash the American people with your frozen foods, and your TVs and your foot creams so that no one questions the International Monitory Fund's takeover of our civil liberties." "How ya like me now?" "Hello?" "Hey hun, what's up?" "Not much." "What's going on with you?" "Uh, some guy called me a whore today." "Wow." "How did he know?" "Yeah, oh and some lady wants me to meet her grandson in Dallas who is, uh, very nice and has almost total mobility." "Well, did you talk to him yet?" "Him who?" "Him who?" "Him Alex!" "Uh, not yet." "You really need to confront him." "It's not that simple." "Erica." "I didn't see anything." "Sara saw them together with her own two eyeballs." "Yeah, well, just because they're having lunch doesn't mean they're sleeping together." "Okay..." "You poor, dumb bastard." "Okay, fine..." "So what am I supposed to say?" "Oh, uh, hi sweetie, how's your day, and by the way are you sleeping with that skank, Amanda?" "Works for me." "You just don't like Alex 'cause of what he said about your butt." "This has nothing to do with that, and for the record," "I just want you to know that I have never had any complaints about this ass." "Men have eaten Har Gow off this ass." "Gross." "Oh, look, it's my boss, I gotta go." "Okay, take it, but you need to talk to Alex, be strong, do not wimp out." "Okay, I'll call you later, okay?" "Bye." "Bye." "My ass is awesome." "Hi, Mr. Koffsky." "Hey... my computer says that you're offline." "I know, I took a break." "Uh-huh..." "You're not scheduled for a break for another 45 minutes." "I know..." "I, uh, had to go to the bathroom." "I had some bad nachos last night." "Look, Erica, I don't need to tell you, we let go of, what, three Consumer Affairs reps in the last few weeks and that means that the people that still have jobs need to pick up" "the slack so more volume means less time for breaks." "I know, I'm sorry, I'm going back online right now." "Good, good, because you know the economy's tough and there are people out there who would kill for your job." "I know." "See, I'm online." "Good... then why are you still talking to me?" "Right." "Welcome to CPI Consumer Affairs, this is Erica." "Yes, my name is Jeffery Smith-Jones with a hyphen, and I'd like to know why I can't get Caribbean Jerk pizza in the UK?" "I mean, it's not like it really comes from Caribbean." "No, of course not." "Our products are being introduced into new markets every day." "Check back on our website for availability in your area." "Hi Erica." "I think I found a bone in one of your chicken nuggets." "I almost broke my tooth!" "I can help you with that." "I'm sorry our product did not meet up to your expectations." "Okay..." "Um, right." "I can get that coupon out to you right away." "Okay, right." "Have a great day, sir." "Thank you, good-bye." "Hey." "What's up, baby?" "Where you been all day?" "Right here, working." "So, uh, you coming over later?" "I don't know." "What's the matter, baby?" "Look, I think we need to talk." "Oh no... here we go." "No, it's not like that, it's um..." "What's the matter?" "Am I not tuning into your feelings again?" "No, it's not that." "It's just..." "I don't know how to say this." "Let's just cut to the chase, okay?" "Okay..." "Well, someone saw you with that girl from your work, um, Amanda something." "Who saw me?" "Your friend Samantha with the fat ass?" "No, it was someone else." "Look, it doesn't matter who, it just, she saw you having lunch with Amanda." "So, what, am I not allowed to have lunch with someone" "I work with now?" "She said it looked suspicious." "Uh, I'm sorry, how exactly do you eat lunch suspiciously?" "Hmm?" "Educate me on this." "Was I making a shifty eye motion or did a man in a trenchcoat drop off a brief case at my table?" "Look, I think Sara knows the difference between a business lunch and something more." "Okay, you know, Erica." "You got me, okay?" "You got me." "I have been boning Amanda and afterwards, I thought that we'd have lunch in a public place so that everyone could see me groping her tits." "Oh and did your friend Sara tell you that I left a used condom in the booth?" "I meant to grab it, just didn't have time." "Just tell me." "Are you cheating on me?" "I thought that you trusted me." "Just tell me!" "I can't believe you need me to say it." "So the answer's no?" "Baby..." "I would never cheat on you and you know that." "Okay." "You know, I should really be..." "I should be mad at you right now." "Your friend Samantha is an instigating troublemaker." "She's just looking out for me." "The same way your friends look out for you." "No, she's a nosy bitch." "She's my best friend, Alex." "Oh, so I suppose after we hang up, you're probably gonna call her and tell her that I just called her a bitch." "You guys being best friends and all." "No, I'm not." "Look, uh, I gotta jump so I want you to think about what just happened, okay?" "And I want you to call me later when you're on your way over." "Okay, so he totally denied everything, of course," "I mean, but I don't know anymore." "I mean, maybe, maybe he's telling the truth." "I mean, is it possible the lunch was innocent," "I mean, Sara didn't really see anything incriminating, did she?" "Who is this?" "Oh..." "I'm sorry, uh, I must have miss dialed." "Well, hold up, wait a second." "You can't leave me hanging like that." "Excuse me?" "Was the lunch really innocent?" "I mean, what did Sara see?" "I need details." "Uh, it, it, it's... it's this, uh, this stupid thing." "Where are you calling from?" "L.A. You?" "Fayetteville, North Carolina." "Seriously?" "Yes, ma'am." "Wow." "That's a pretty big miss dial." "So you're not gonna tell me all the sordid details?" "Uh, well, maybe if I knew you better." "What do you want to know?" "Uh... okay, um..." "Well, first, I'm gonna have to get some basic information." "Coming back from my second tour of duty," "I'm a Sergeant in the Army, 1st Battalion 508, the Parachute Infantry Regiment." "I have no idea what that means." "Uh, we fight the bad guys." "Yeah okay, I got that part." "So did you ever kill anybody?" "Yeah, actually." "Oh..." "I'm, uh, sorry, I didn't, I didn't mean." "No, that's all right." "This past July, my company was in the village of Jaukar in the Badghis Province, the 2nd Platoon was ambushed by Taliban militants." "Holy shit." "Yeah, that's what we said." "We fought our way out of the village under heavy machine gun and RPG fire for six hours 'til we were able to link up with the rest of the battalion." "What happened?" "Well, we counterattacked from the East while Alpha Team attacked from the West, we swept across the flank, completely over run 'em." "Did anyone die?" "Yes, ma'am." "Killed 33 militia men that day." "Did, did you kill anyone personally?" "Yes ma'am." "What about Americans?" "Did anyone on our side die?" "No ma'am." "Not that day." "Wow, that's amazing." "I don't actually know anyone who's in the military." "Really?" "I don't hardly know anyone who isn't." "Well, now you do." "Yeah..." "I guess I do." "Oh, um, look, I have to get back to work." "Well, it was nice talking to you." "You should miss dial more often." "You stay safe, okay?" "Yes, ma'am." "You too." "Welcome to CPI Consumer Affairs, this is Erica, and which one of our fabulous products are you calling about today?" "Hello Erica, I'm calling about your microwave popcorn." "Great, what seems to be the problem?" "Well, there's no problem at all if my name was Albert Einstein but it's not." "Did you remember to take the bag out of the plastic wrapper?" "Do you really think I didn't do that?" "Come on now." "That's not my problem." "I'm trying to calculate how many calories are in the bag of popcorn." "Well, the nutritional information is on the package." "Oh yeah!" "Look at that, it's right there!" "You really don't think I thought of that?" "Well listen, since you have so much mouth, answer me this, serving size two tablespoons unpopped, 110 calories;" "but wait, it also says one cup popped, 20 calories." "Yeah, yeah, that's because that most of the oil used for popping isn't consumed, it just remains in the bag." "Oh, so you have all the answers today, huh?" "You're just Miss Answer Lady, aren't you?" "Okay, well answer me this, it says a serving size is two cups of popped popcorn, 120 calories, and one bag of popcorn makes six and half cups popped, but two tablespoons is 110 calories," "and how many servings are in a bag?" "You know what?" "I'm gonna have to transfer you to my supervisor 'cause I don't want to give you the wrong information." "So, you know let's get an expert on the line, hmm?" "Thank you." "Please hold." "Hello?" "Hi!" "Hi!" "My name is Erica, and I'm just calling to " "Nope." "Hello?" "Jerk." "Hello?" "Hi, my name is Erica and, uh, I'm not selling anything and I'm not calling to get anything from you." "So why are you calling?" "I don't know really." "No, actually that's not true." "I'm, uh, okay maybe this is gonna sound really weird, but I'm just calling to talk to someone." "You're not sitting in a bathtub with slashed wrists, are you?" "No, although I did just take 40 Xanax." "I'm just kidding, it's a joke." "No, I'm, uh, I'm not suicidal, I'm not lonely," "I'm just trying to, uh, I don't know, connect with another human being." "Is that so wrong?" "No, no that's not wrong." "I, when I was younger we used to do it back in my day only, only back then, we called it "taking a chance. "" "Yes!" "That is exactly what I'm talking about." "So where are you from?" "I was born and raised in Brooklyn, New York." "Really?" "Um, are you married?" "Depends." "What do you look like?" "Oh, alright yes, 57 years, five kids, 17 grandchildren and one great-grandkid that keeps beating me at computer bowling." "You play Wii bowling?" "I love Wii bowling!" "Yeah but what are you really passionate about?" "I mean, there must be something you just love, love, love, you know what I mean?" "I think I could be an artist." "I mean, more like an animator." "I really like to draw like cartoons and scenes and stuff, you know." "Yeah, yeah, you should do that." "Do what you love!" "But what if, I don't know, I'm not good enough?" "Yeah, but what if you are?" "So, what is the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to you?" "God, this is, this is like you're my therapist." "So, um, what are you wearing?" "Eh..." "Well, how often do you see them?" "Not very often." "My son lives in Omaha now and my daughter lives in Tucson with her husband." "Well, what about the holidays?" "Do you get together then?" "We used to, but Bobby lost his job last spring and" "Amy's working two jobs now to make ends meet." "They can't afford to take time off to see me." "Maybe you could go and see them?" "I mean, I'm sure a train ticket to Omaha isn't that much money." "No, it's not the money." "Because I could help you out if it's just the train ticket." "Oh, sweetie, that's so nice of you, but the truth is, they've got their own lives now." "I don't want to be a burden." "We talk on the phone, that's plenty for me." "Really?" "Hey, maybe you could surprise them for Christmas." "No." "It's alright, besides I've got Bill my Corgi." "Well, it sounds like Bill is a very lucky dog." "Sweetie." "Like two people could even fit in that dirty, disgusting space." "Hold on..." "Oh shit, it's my boss, um, I've gotta take this call." "It was awesome talking to you." "Yeah, well, you've got my number, let's talk again some time." "Okay, great, okay, bye." "This is Erica." "Yes, Mr. Koffsky?" "Yeah, what the heck is going on over there?" "Uh, what do you mean?" "Uh, your queue is like a mile long and it's getting longer by the minute." "Uh, what?" "No." "No, no it's not." "My screen is showing no calls." "I mean, it's been quiet here." "I was actually gonna call you to ask if the network was down." "Great." "You're serious, right?" "You don't see all these calls?" "No." "Oh wait, look there it goes." "Now it's back online." "I think the system was offline for some reason." "You know what, I see the calls now." "Wow, wow, you were right." "Okay, I guess that wasn't your fault, but I'm glad I called." "Look if, if you think the network is down again, then call me right away, okay?" "Okay, you bet, you bet." "I'm sorry about that, sir." "You know, by the way, I think the Consumer Affair Manual's a little dumb sometimes." "I mean, yesterday I got a call from a young girl who was asking how to use a tampon and the script told me to ask her if she was pregnant." "I mean, who wrote this manual?" "Okay then." "Okay, sir, bye." "One more." "One more and then back to work." "Let's call..." "New York City." "Hello?" "Hi." "Hi." "Hi." "Hi, uh, you don't know me and I'm not selling anything," "I'm not crazy and this isn't a prank call." "I'm just calling people today to talk, you know," "I mean, I'm not lonely or suicidal, I just," "I'm just kind of having fun connecting with people." "You know, making a connection with real people." "Um, yeah, so you know maybe, I don't know, meet someone new, make a friend." "What's your name?" "Erica." "Kyle." "Kyle." "Hi, Kyle." "Hi, Erica." "So, um, what do you want to talk about?" "Hmm?" "Like, uh..." "Your most embarrassing secrets, childhood memories, what's the most famous movie you've never seen?" "How long you been doing this?" "Doing what?" "Calling people." "Uh, I don't know, a couple of hours." "Why?" "You think I'm totally crazy, right?" "No, no, actually, I think it's kind of genius." "So tell me about you." "Uh, me?" "What do you want to know?" "I don't know, what'd you do?" "Um, I am a Consumer Affairs Rep for CPI." "Okay." "It's kind of like, it's like customer service, actually all CPI's Consumer Affairs Reps work freelance so I actually work out of my home talking on the phone to people all day." "Oh, it's all starting to make sense now." "Yeah." "So, how does that work?" "The calls get routed to your cell or something?" "No actually." "It's this whole complicated network." "The calls come in through my laptop and then I have a headset and everything, so..." "Oh..." "Like the Time Life operator." "Uh, wait a minute." "How old are you?" "What?" "No, you know the commercials with the, they aren't that old!" "Those are like from the '80s or something." "You knew what I meant." "Alright so, um, why does someone call CPI Consumer Affairs?" "Um, okay." "Have you ever noticed how on like every package of every product ever made there is a number, like questions, comments, complaints, call 1-800-blah blah - yeah, that's me." "So they call me and then I ask them questions about what product they're calling about and um, I have, my computer takes me through a script so I can deal with whatever questions they may have." "Oh." "Like what?" "I don't know, like, uh, nutritional information or a complaint about something that doesn't taste right or sometimes like how to use things." "Oh, okay." "Actually, sometimes I just get a lot of really dumb people who call." "Like, this one time this, yeah, this woman called and literally wants to know how to heat up a can of soup and so I'm asking her all the questions, right, and it takes about 20 minutes before I realize she's actually" "put the can in the pot." "The actual can?" "The actual can." "So then I have to talk her into, you know, turning the stove down, not touching the can because it's too hot, so now, that is why everywhere you see a can, it says," "empty contents into saucepan." "That's not a real story." "I swear to God." "No." "So wait, I'm talking to the empty contents girl?" "That's me." "Empty contents girl." "Oh wow." "I am honored." "Well, thank you." "Thank you very much." "Yeah." "So what do you do for fun?" "Um, let's not talk about me anymore." "Tell me something about you." "You don't like to talk about yourself..." "That's rare." "No, I don't mind talking about myself." "But deep down, you're more of a listener." "Um, yeah, I never really thought about it that way." "I mean, yeah, maybe you're right." "Do you actually like, uh, listening to other people talk or are you just too guarded to talk about yourself?" "Okay, are you gonna send me a therapy bill or something?" "Just go ahead, ask me anything." "Okay, well, what do you like?" "I mean, what makes you tick?" "Uh, you mean is Consumer Affairs my life's ambition?" "No." "I mean, I like other things." "Like bungee jumping and spelunking?" "No." "More like watching "Dancing With The Stars" and eating ice cream." "Ooh, wow, you are a thrill seeker!" "I like exciting stuff too." "Like what?" "I do, I don't know." "What do you do that's exciting?" "Come on." "Lots of things." "Like what?" "Like archery." "See now we're getting somewhere." "Archery." "Yep, actually, I was almost on the Olympic team." "No!" "In Beijing?" "No, uh, Athens, 2004." "Oh, how cool." "Yeah, I missed making the team by two points." "Oh, that sucks." "Yeah, well..." "So did you, uh, did you try again in 2008?" "No, I mean, it was really something I was doing while" "I was in college and afterwards it was too much of a hassle to get to the range so..." "So you just, you gave up?" "You make it sound like I'm a quitter or something." "Like archery was my life's dream," "I mean, it was just a hobby." "But you were good at it." "Uh, yeah." "And you liked it?" "Yeah... yeah." "You have a boyfriend?" "Ah, see, I was wondering how long it would take before you got to that." "Come on now, I'm just trying to communicate with another human being." "If we can't be honest with total strangers, who can we be honest with?" "Uh, it's complicated." "Uh-oh." "See, now I'm very interested." "Uh, yes, I have a boyfriend but I think he's cheating on me." "Go on." "Can we talk about something else?" "What?" "You don't know me well enough to talk about your cheating boyfriend?" "My maybe cheating boyfriend, and no, no, I don't know you at all actually." "Okay, well, maybe we can do something to change that." "Let's see, ah, I gotta go with "Star Wars. "" ""Star Wars" what?" "That is the most famous movie I have never seen." "Are you kidding me?" "No." "Who are you?" "Everyone has seen "Star Wars. "" "I know, I know, it's weird." "Maybe I'm just waiting for the right person to see it with." "Whoa, does that line actually work for you?" "Do you like that?" "It didn't work?" "That was my best stuff." "Oh, look I gotta go." "I've got like, my queue is beeping at me and I have like 39 calls backed up." "I'm probably gonna get fired when my boss realizes the network isn't really down." "Would you call me back?" "Uh, I don't know." "I have a whole list of strangers I haven't called yet." "I got your number on caller ID, can I... can I call you back?" "Okay..." "Okay." "Okay." "Okay." "Alright, see ya." "Alright, bye." "Bye." "Ah..." "Kyle." "Okay." "Welcome to CPI Consumer Affairs, my name is Erica." "Which one of our fabulous products are you calling about today?" "Oh yeah, hi!" "I'm just calling about this shredded cheese that I just bought." "It says it's limited edition cheddar." "Uh, that's right." "Our New York Cheddar shredded cheese is available for a limited time." "Yeah, but why?" "I mean, I really like it and uh, it's not like I can stock up, it's cheese, it's not gonna last forever." "You know, let me check to see when the New York Cheddar is available until." "Ah, good news, sir!" "The New York Cheddar is scheduled to be available until next May." "Yeah, but what happens after that?" "Can I like petition CPI to continue making the New York Cheddar?" "Uh, well, I can take down your information and pass the word onto the people who decide which cheeses to make and if enough people call, I'm sure they'll continue to make it." "Yeah, yeah, okay!" "It's worth a shot." "Okay great, so let me get your information and we can also send you a coupon for a free bag of New York Cheddar shredded cheese for providing us with this valuable feedback." "Oh, okay." "Great!" "Hey." "What'd he say?" "Who?" "Hello!" "Alex." "You were supposed to call me after you talked to him." "Oh, oh my God." "I'm so sorry, I forgot." "Well actually, I tried to call you but I miss dialed and I got a wrong number and long story short, I have been talking to strangers on the phone all day." "Isn't that what you sort of do every day?" "No." "I mean, yes, but these are strangers I call." "I mean, I've been meeting people over the phone." "What's wrong with you?" "It's actually kind of fun." "I'm having real conversations with them." "Okay, Erica, I'm gonna need you to focus here." "Did you or did you not speak to Alex?" "Yeah, yeah I did." "He said it was nothing and that I'm being paranoid." "I'm supposed to go over to his place tonight." "Are you kidding me?" "He said the lunch was business related." "Sara saw them, it was not business related." "But what did he do specifically?" "I mean, did he kiss her?" "Are you freaking kidding me right now?" "Are you taking his side?" "Well, uh, you've obviously been biased against Alex." "I mean, you've never liked him." "Do you think I have some sort of agenda?" "I am your best friend, okay?" "I am doing this so that you could one day possibly be happy." "I know, I'm sorry." "You deserve someone great." "You are a fabulous human being and Alex never acknowledged that and that, my friend, is why I do not like him and that is also why you should dump his sorry, flat ass." "I know, you're right." "I just, I mean, what if he is cheating?" "Hmm?" "I mean, I dump him and then what?" "I start dating again?" "I just don't if I can do that all over again." "I'd much rather be alone than be with someone who didn't love me." "Yeah." "Uh, listen I've gotta, I've gotta take care of some of these calls." "Uh, I'm seeing him tonight and I'll see how it goes." "Better not sleep with him." "Okay, hun, I'll talk to you later." "And you better call me right afterwards." "Bye." "Welcome to CPI Consumer Affairs, my name is Erica." "Which one of our fabulous products are you calling about today?" "Hi, so here's the story." "I'm walking my dog, Ricky, and he's got like the loose poops, you know, not so loose that you gotta like bring out the hose or something but loose, right." "Okay." "I'm trying to pick it up and it's hard because it's loose and it's like oh, oh, it's kind of runny, like whatever." "So, oh and by the way, I'm talking to my girlfriend Amy and she's just going on and on and on and on about her sister who's like a raging bitch." "She's like ah, she's a fat cow, blah." "Okay, ma'am, which product are you calling about?" "I'm getting there." "So I'm talking to Amy, I'm trying to pick up, like, the loose poops, it's not working, blah, blah, blah, blah, uh, my phone falls in the poo, right." "I'm like, disgusting, this is insane, only me!" "Okay, anyway." "So I go to pick up the phone." "With your hand?" "No, not with my hand, I'm like an animal to you?" "No, with the poo bag." "Anyway, so I like take the phone home, I'm like, you know, gonna rinse it off, you know, good as new, right?" "Well, the little light comes on basically saying the warranty is void because it's come in contact with water, whatever." "Okay, ma'am, CPI doesn't manufacture cell phones." "You know what, I'm getting to the point of my story and I'm gonna need you to be quiet." "Sorry ma'am." "Thanks, you're a peach." "Anyway, so I have my phone, I'm going into the cell phone store and I'm like, he's gonna give me a new phone if he sees me, if he just sees me." "So he's like, um, sorry ma'am, I cannot help you, the red light is on, it's had contact with water, blah, blah, blah, blah, and I'm like I know" "but you should give me a new phone." "And he's like, I'm sorry ma'am, I can't help you." "I'm livid!" "Ma'am, I really have to ask which product you're calling about." "We have other callers waiting." "I could have sworn I called Consumer Affairs." "Yes but " "I'm a consumer and I have an affair that you need to handle." "Can you do your job?" "Okay." "I'm sorry." "So I'm pissed, right?" "I am beyond pissed." "So I get in my car and I run a red light, right." "So the cop is like ma'am, did you see, uh, the red light, you know and I was like, uh, if I knew it was a red light," "I probably wouldn't have ran it so I'm stupid now, I'm stupid." "Boom, I push him, whatever." "This leads to an illegal search, in my opinion, and he comes up with some prescription pills and I do have a prescription, ma'am, for my anxiety but these, these weren't those pills." "So I go to jail, right." "I go to jail." "He cuffs me, he stuffs me, we go to jail and he's like you're gonna need a lawyer, a lawyer!" "So anyway, so this is where you come in." "I'm gonna need some help with a lawyer." "Ma'am what does any of this have to do with CPI or its products?" "Have you been listening to a word I have said?" "It was your beef jerky that gave Ricky the loose poo!" "No, no, none of our products contain chlorofluorocarbons." "CFCs were banned in the U.S. in 1978." "No, I did not realize you could use car wax for that purpose." "I'll be sure to pass along your suggestion." "Okay." "No, no, you cannot get swine flu from our pepperoni products." "Yes, I'm sure." "Yes." "CPI changes the design on its boxes from time to time." "You like the picture of the white lady eating the cereal better?" "I'll be sure to pass on that comment." "Okay then." "Alright, we'll get that coupon right out to you." "Okay, have a great day." "Hey." "Hey." "I was wondering how long you could go without talking to me." "Yeah, yeah I know." "I just, uh, I was actually heading to the gym before you called and, um " "Oh, I'm sorry." "I've totally been wasting your time." "No, no that's just it." "I actually went to the gym like I planned but I just, um, I couldn't stop thinking about you." "Really?" "Yeah." "How weird is that?" "I mean, I don't even really know you but I'm, you know," "I'm sitting there and I just realize, I'm just picking up things and putting them down over and over again, screw this, I'd rather be home talking to Erica." "Yeah, I have that effect on people." "Yeah, I guess you do." "Hey, uh, hang on a sec." "You there?" "Yeah." "So, it's your dime, what do you want to talk about now?" "It's your dime?" "How old are you?" "Okay, touche." "No seriously, you know all about my wonderful life in consumer affairs so, uh, what do you do for a living?" "Please let it be something worse than my job." "Ah, I'm sorry to disappoint." "I'm an EMT." "Of course you are." "What's that supposed to mean?" "An EMT?" "Well, it basically means that you're hot, you're in great shape and you actually care about people." "Plus, you make more money than a fireman so..." "Ah, well see actually I'm part of the unpaid internship program for indifferent, ugly people." "I stand corrected." "Yeah, it's new." "I'm not surprised you haven't heard of it." "Okay, can I tell you something really disgusting?" "Okay." "I just ate an entire batch of cookie dough mix." "Oh great." "Are you Bulimic?" "No, I wish, I wish." "Actually I'm just fat." "That's funny, you don't look fat in your picture." "What?" "Wait." "What picture?" "The one on Facebook of you and Samantha in the SM gear." "It was Halloween!" "Yeah, sure it was." "God." "Hey, you know what?" "At least you were the master." "Yeah, you know Sam and I, you know, we have a couple of drinks and then we start to experiment..." "Seriously?" "No, you perv." "I don't know." "So what else did you find out while you were cyber stalking me?" "Ah, I was just trying to put a face to the voice." "Uh-huh." "Admit it." "You just wanted to see if I was hot." "No." "Yeah, maybe." "And?" "Yeah, you uh... yes, mm-hmm, affirmative." "Okay, that's just not fair because I have no idea what you look like so." "Sure you do." "You know I'm extremely hot, all EMTs are." "Come on!" "I sent you a friend request." "You did?" "Hang on." "Kyle McAvoy." "Confirm." "Wait." "Seriously?" "You have your dog's picture as your profile pic?" "What's wrong with that?" "A lot of people do that." "Yeah, if they're like horribly disfigured or part of the witness protection program." "Yeah, or just love your dog." "Oh well, that's what Dogbook is for." "Dogbook?" "What's Dogbook?" "Oh wait, wait, wait." "Here is a real picture." "Oh..." "Oh great." "Thank you." "That's just what I want to hear." "What is the problem now?" "Do you sleep with a lot of women, Kyle?" "Excuse me?" "You are, uh, you're too good looking to be monogamous." "I can't believe you just said that." "Uh, oh damn." "I've gotta answer some of these calls." "Just blow them off." "Okay, maybe for a little while." "Well hang on, hang on." "Let me just check in with my boss, okay?" "Okay, I'll hold." "Okay, hold on." "Hi, Mr. Koffsky." "Hi, yeah it's, it's doing it again, um, the network's down." "I can't see any calls." "Damn it, alright." "Let me see what I can do on my end." "Listen, if I can't get this figured out I'm gonna have to send an IT guy over to check out your computer." "Yeah, yeah, I mean, because you know, it keeps going in and out and in and out and oh look, look, I can see them now," "I can see the calls." "Oh, yeah, yeah, they're there." "Okay, alright, good." "Well, take the calls and I'll see what I can do about them checking the server." "Oh, oh, okay." "Thanks." "Okay, where were we?" "You were just telling me how hot I am." "Right, and modest." "So modest." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Um, okay so what do you want?" "Right now?" "I could use some ice cream." "I thought you just ate all that cookie dough." "Yeah and?" "No, I mean, uh, in life." "Oh..." "Oh, we're going there." "Yes, yes, we've entered the deep thoughts part of the conversation." "Ah, um, I don't know, what do you want?" "That we're not talking about me." "You keep deflecting." "Eh, I don't know." "I mean, what does anyone want?" "Love, happiness." "I thought you had a boyfriend." "Yeah, I do, forgot, sorry." "Um, God, I don't, I mean, you know," "I know I want a family someday." "Ah, see, now we're getting somewhere." "Okay, um, how many kids?" "Maybe three." "Three, that's a good number." "You know, they say that you want as many kids as you grew up with." "Hmm, that's funny because I have an older sister and a younger brother." "Oh, well see." "Yeah, okay." "And, let's see, what else." "I majored in poli-sci in college." "Ah, where'd you go?" "Cal State Fullerton." "SUNY Binghamton." "Ah." "Yeah, so you know I never really wanted to work in Washington," "I mean, I wasn't that interested in politics." "What are you interested in?" "Uh, nothing." "See, I'm not buying that, I know from your Facebook page that you're part of the unnecessary quotation mark hunters group." "Yes!" "I hate that shit." "Like when you go up to the register and there's a sign that says no checks please in quotation marks." "Like, uh, "No checks please," said John the owner." "Yeah." "Or it's facetious." "Right." "So actually maybe, you know, they do take checks." "Right, right." "Okay, so, um, you don't love your job but you can't quit because you don't know what else you want to do." "Exactly." "Exactly." "Alright, well, I think you should just a write a book about life as a Consumer Affairs Rep." "Oh yeah, I should do that." "I should totally do that." "I'm serious." "Tales from the trenches, most ridiculous stories, you know, dumbest people, just all the crazy shit you deal with every day." "You don't know the half of it." "Yeah, well let me - Let me listen in." "Yeah right." "No, I'm serious." "There's gotta be a way you can connect me into your calls, right?" "Yeah, I mean, it's easy to do, it's just," "I mean, what would be the point?" "I'm curious." "Besides I can hear your phone beeping in the background." "I know you gotta take some of those calls." "Uh..." "Okay, let's do it." "Okay but, okay I'm gonna hang up and call you back but you have to be quiet okay, because I can't mute it." "You got it." "Alright." "Hey." "Are you there?" "Yep." "Okay, don't say anything, okay?" "You got it." "Okay." "Hi, you've reached CPI Consumer Affairs, this is Erica." "And which one of our fabulous products are you calling about today?" "Uh, yeah, hello." "I'm calling about your refried beans." "Okay, and how can I help you?" "Well, I was just wondering if you all sold beans that were just once fried?" "Um, excuse me?" "Well, well you see, I just started this new diet and I thought I would cut back on the refried beans and just you know get beans that were once fried, but then I couldn't find them" "anywhere and then the man down at the Kroger said that he ain't never heard of such a thing as a once fried bean." "Oh, you know what I have some good news for you today, ma'am." "Our refried beans are only fried once." "Then why you call them refried?" "Well, that actually is a very common question." "Actually, refried beans are not fried and then fried again." "It comes from a mistranslation of the Spanish" ""frijoles refritos. "" "See in Spanish you put a "re" in front of the word to make an emphasis, so literally frijoles refritos translates to "well fried beans," but English speakers assume the "re" means "again" like in English," "so they mistranslate it to refried beans." "But rest assured CPI's refried beans are only fried once and in fact, our nonfat refried beans aren't fried at all." "Okay, uh, so do you sell just once fried beans or not?" "Yes ma'am, we make once fried beans, we just call them refried beans." "Okay." "You see, that don't make no damn sense." "Well, I just explained, ma'am, it comes from the mistranslation of the Spanish for ref " "Okay, whatever!" "Bitch!" "Okay." "Uh, you are such a liar." "You have the greatest job on Earth." "What are you talking about?" "You get paid to surf the Internet for fascinating trivia." "No, I don't." "Yes, you do." "You're like a human Googler." "If I have a question, I'm not just gonna look up the answer on my own, I'm gonna call you and you're gonna look it up for me." "I'm reading off of our product page." "Still, I didn't know that about refried beans." "Oh, yeah." "Well, you know, I'm sure there are several CPI products that would be of interest to you." "Let's do another one." "Uh, okay, hang on." "Going again." "Hi, welcome to CPI Consumer Affairs, this is Erica." "Which one of our fabulous products are you calling about today?" "Well, I'm not sure the name of it." "Okay, uh, was it a food product?" "Yes." "They had this cereal on the cruise that Marvin really enjoyed." "Okay, so you need the name of the cereal so you can buy it for your husband, Marvin?" "Marvin's not my husband." "My husband Leonard died 22 years ago this May, God rest his soul." "Okay, who's Marvin?" "None of your business, nosy." "My apologies, ma'am." "Okay, well CPI makes dozens of delicious cereals." "What did it taste like?" "I don't know." "I didn't have any." "Marvin couldn't get enough of it." "I don't care for cereal." "Uh, well, well you're not giving me a lot to go on here, ma'am." "Well, I think it had raisins in it." "Uh, okay." "Uh, was it Raisin Bran perhaps?" "I think I'd recognize Raisin Bran, young lady." "Do you think I'm an idiot?" "Uh, no ma'am, I'm just trying to nail down this mysterious cereal here." "Oh and now you're getting smart with me." "Uh, okay." "You know what, our website has pictures and descriptions of all of our cereals." "No, no, no, no, no, no." "If I wanted to use all that World Wide Web stuff," "I wouldn't have to call you now, would I?" "Can you tell me the name of the cereal or not?" "Uh, ma'am, are you certain it's a CPI product?" "You know, Kellogg's and Post also make cereals with raisins." "That's right, pass the buck, pass the buck to someone else." "That's what's wrong with this country today, everyone's trying to pass the buck." "Hello, the box had C-P-I on it." "I think it had raisins and nuts." "Hello ma'am, this is Sven Jorgenson from" "CPI Consumer Affairs, I'm Erica's supervisor and I've been monitoring this call." "Uh, I got this Sven." "Ma'am, was the cereal a Harvest Grain Medley?" "Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, that's the name of it!" "Yes." "I thought it might be." "How did you know, Sven?" "Ma'am, I'm so sorry Erica wasn't able to answer your question today." "And she's fresh too." "She's arrogant and she doesn't know her product line." "Yes, Erica does have a very smart mouth." "Hold on a second." "For that I apologize as well." "As a token of our appreciation and as a courtesy for our poor customer service, we are going to be sending you a brand new, free CPI microwave oven." "Oh, really?" "No, no." "No, we're not." "Yes we are, just stay on the line and we will get your information." "Now if you hear a dial tone, that doesn't mean you were disconnected, it just means that we are processing your brand new CPI microwave oven." "Oh, well, that's more like it." "Thank you, Mr. Jorgenson." "No, thank you so much." "Now please hold." "Uh, that was mean." "Yeah, she deserved it though." "Yeah maybe, but now she's just gonna call back and demand her oven." "Sorry." "I just got carried away." "Yeah, but you can't give away microwave ovens." "What, you can't?" "No, you can't." "Oh." "You know, they do monitor some of these calls." "Oh my gosh and she has my name." "I'm gonna get fired." "I thought you hated your job?" "Uh, yeah, but I hate being homeless even more." "It was fun though?" "Yeah, fine, fun, but I'm sure it'd be fun to go on a ride-along with you and go through your passenger's wallets while you're reviving them." "Who told you we do that?" "A- ha!" "Look, I can't quit my job because I have absolutely no marketable skills whatsoever." "Unless somebody's looking for archers." "Yes, yes." "Someone with a moat and unruly barbarian neighbors." "Yeah, have you considered talking to head hunters about a career in long bow work?" "Yes, actually." "Hey, have you ever answered a call like pretending to be a machine or something?" "Oh yeah, all the time." "Yeah like, you'd go, beep, you know, press one for more options or something like that." "Let's give it a shot." "Yes!" "Hang on." "Okay, are you ready?" "Yeah." "For questions or comments about our canned goods, press one." "For electronic items, press two." "For dry goods like cereals or pancake mix, press three." "Dry goods, if you are calling because you found a stone in your stone-ground oatmeal, press one." "If you have a question about how to use one of our fantastic granola bar products, press two." "For all other questions or concerns, press three." "You've reached the CPI bacon hotline." "If you're calling with a question or concern about frying, press one." "If you're calling about how to make your bacon even smokier, go on and press two." "You pressed the wrong number." "For questions or comments about giving bacon as a gift, press three." "Operator!" "You've reached CPI Consumer Affairs." "For English, press one." "I already did that!" "Cheerio." "For queries about our scones and tea cake mix, kindly depress the zed key presently." "Oh, what the shit is the zed key?" "I give up." "That was classic." "Oh my God." "I'm getting fired!" "You see, you got a career in comedy." "I'm serious, you should write about this stuff." "Oh my gosh!" "I like you so much." "I... wow, I'm sorry, that was weird." "Nah, that's okay." "I like you too." "I'm totally embarrassed." "It's okay, Erica." "You said what you were feeling, that's okay." "That's enjoyable." "Who cares?" "Uh, let's talk about something else, okay?" "Okay, uh, you ready to talk about your boyfriend?" "Yeah." "Yeah, sure." "Let's, um, let's talk about my boyfriend." "I guess I know you well enough now." "I could give you my social security number." "Yes and your bank statements." "Right." "Uh, okay..." "So, uh, here's the story." "Um, Alex works at this big pharmaceutical company and, uh, he's the regional sales manager and one of the associates on his team is this slutty, totally slutty girl named Amanda." "I like her already." "Yeah, well, she knows that Alex and I are together and yet, she insists on plying him with little gifts and calling him on the weekends just to talk." "So they're friends." "Yeah right." "Anyway, I've seen the texts she sent Alex and it's like she's basically all but inviting him over for a booty call and I confronted Alex about it and he was like oh you know, she's just" "kidding, whatever, like it was some sort of inside office joke." "Okay, so maybe they're sleeping together, maybe not." "Okay, then last Friday my friend Sara saw the two of them together at the Olive Garden and they were totally " "Wait." "Hold up." "Stop right there." "The Olive Garden, seriously?" "Yeah." "Why?" "People really go to the Olive Garden?" "Yes, people really go to the Olive Garden and what does that have to do with anything?" "Nothing, it's just - okay, have you ever seen commercials for the Olive Garden?" "Where they've got that garlic parmesan cheese sauce or whatever the hell it is, it looks like throw up, you know?" "Yeah, it kind of does." "I mean, I would rather eat a plate of vomit than that cream sauce." "Okay, Olive Garden cream sauce looks like vomit." "What, did the Olive Garden kill your dog or something?" "Yeah, like I'd take my dog anywhere near that place." "Now if you want really good Italian, there's this incredible place on Sullivan Street." "They've got this unbelievable veal parmesan." "See, I'm a vegetarian so..." "Right, I forgot, I'm dealing with Miss California here." "Okay well there's an eggplant parm, it's really good there." "Ah." "Are you Italian or something?" "No I'm Scotch-Irish but, uh, I mean, come on, I can," "I know the difference between good Italian food and the Olive Garden." "Okay, are you done?" "Yes, sorry." "So, uh, your classy boyfriend took his hot, young co-worker out for a fine meal of breadsticks and endless salad." "Yes, and they're both sitting on the same side of the booth, totally cuddling." "Did they kiss?" "No, but you can tell from their body language that something is going on." "According to Sara who told you this directly?" "No, according to Sara who told my best friend Sam and she told me directly." "Yeah..." "I don't know." "I mean, even if what Sara saw was conveyed accurately," "I mean, who knows what that means." "So you don't think he's cheating on me?" "You want to know the truth?" "Yeah, of course I want to know the truth." "The truth is it's over either way." "Okay, say he's cheating, right." "That's an easy one, you dump his ass unless you're one of those women who wants to grow up and live the rest of your life with a philandering husband that you think you can change." "Okay so, what if he's not cheating?" "It doesn't matter." "You're already with someone you don't trust, you can't talk to and you don't love, so who cares." "But I do love him." "Oh." "Sorry, I have to gag." "Are you serious?" "Really?" "I mean, is your self-esteem so low that you think this guy is the best you can do?" "Come on." "I mean, are you that insecure that you don't think you deserve someone better?" "Someone like you?" "Yeah, okay." "Someone like me." "Okay, Kyle McAvoy, tell me, if you're so great, why are you still single?" "Ah right, of course, 'cause if a man is available then there must be something wrong with him." "Well that's been my experience, yes." "Okay." "Well, FYI, I just got out of a relationship with a woman, and I use that term loosely, who was giving blow jobs to strangers for cocaine and when I ended it, she tried to kill herself." "Wow!" "You must be a great judge of character." "Yeah, thank you." "And by the way, I think she stole my watch." "I'm sorry, that's funny." "It is, it's hysterical." "You had no idea about any of this?" "No, I mean, yeah now, sure it seems obvious, I mean, why was she having bloody noses all the time and herpes, but love blinds you, you know." "Yeah, I guess." "P.S. I don't have herpes." "Oh, congratulations, that's good." "Yeah, thank you." "I'm glad I, uh, dodged that bullet." "Look, I'm sorry I, uh, I guess I don't know you all that well but it just seems to me that you either, you demand that people treat you with respect or you just get walked on the rest of your life." "I mean then, what then?" "Say I... say I do everything you're saying and I quit my job and I break up with my boyfriend and I strip my life down bare to the few things that I'm actually proud of, then what?" "I mean, so what then?" "Then you hold your head up high and you venture out into the unknown." "Instead of playing it safe with what you know, you take a chance on what could be." "It sounds so romantic when you say it." "Uh..." "So what's it gonna be?" "Oh, hold on." "Crap, that's him." "I've gotta go, I have to take this call." "I'll call you back?" "Good luck." "Thank you." "Hey." "Hey babe." "I'm getting out of here." "You still coming over?" "Um, yeah..." "I mean, I don't know." "Look, we need to talk." "Oh Jesus, here we go." "I just think that our relationship is in trouble if we can't talk about the situation with Amanda like mature adults." "Are you finished?" "No." "I just think that we need to really " "Look, Erica, I love you but this bullshit has got to stop." "I can't spend all my time arguing with you about something that didn't even happen." "I just want you to be honest with me." "You want me to be honest with you?" "Hmm?" "Alright, here's a dose of reality." "I am about this close to ending this with you, okay?" "And then who is gonna put up with your bullshit?" "I'm gonna tell you who, his name is no one, okay?" "So why don't you just stop the drama, grab your two piece and come over, alright?" "Alright." "Oh, and can you pick up some beer on the way over?" "Yeah sure." "Alright, great." "Look, um, I'm sorry that I had to be so direct with you, but I only do it because I love you, okay?" "Chin up." "I'll see you soon." "Okay." "Bye-bye." "That was unexpected." "Kyle?" "Nice job." "You were on the whole time?" "Yep." "So you just heard, I'm, I'm sorry." "I just couldn't." "Look, I got no stake in this, I was just trying to help but, you know, it's your life." "Kyle, I don't want you to think that I'm " "Hey, don't sweat it, you know, I mean, it's not like I know you for real." "Yeah, you do." "I think maybe you're the only who does." "I'm gonna go now." "Okay... yeah." "Bye, Erica." "Goodbye, Kyle." "Welcome to CPI, this is Erica, which one of our products are you calling about?" "Hi, yeah, I bought one of your potato shredders and it's, uh, totally stuck." "Um, excuse me, the what?" "Potato shredder." "Potato shredder?" "I'm not showing any potato shredders manufactured by CPI." "Are you sure it's a CPI product?" "Um, yeah." "It says CPI right here." "Can you, um, can you describe the product ma'am?" "Well, it's a potato shredder like for hash browns." "I'm not seeing any potato shredders in our products database." "Well you put a potato in the shredder, you flip a switch and then the hash browns fill a receptacle." "Okay, so it's an electronic." "Yeah, it plugs in." "What does the receptacle look like?" "Mmm, kind of like a garbage can." "By any chance does it say cross shredder?" "Yes, yes, it says cross shredding action." "Ma'am, that's a paper shredder." "Oh, it shreds paper, too?" "It shreds paper only." "You've been putting potatoes into a paper shredder." "Oh..." "Well, how do I get it unstuck?" "Seriously?" "Are you really that stupid?" "Excuse me?" "Um, I'd like to speak to your supervisor." "You want a second opinion?" "Okay, you're a moron." "How's that?" "# Lay down, lay down Whoa... #" "# Lay down Lay down, whoa #" "# Another day with nothing left to say #" "# A couple years down the road #" "# The girl I met is now a silhouette #" "# Of someone I used to know #" "# So can we please try and find our way #" "# Back to where it all began #" "# Because somewhere in those tired eyes #" "# Memories of that silly night #" "# Are we strong enough to last?" "#" "# Lay down, lay down Whoa... #" "What?" "Hey, what happened?" "Nothing." "Are you crying?" "No." "What did he do to you?" "Who?" "Alex?" "Nothing..." "I'm going over there in a little while." "Well, then why are you crying now?" "It's a long story..." "I met this guy." "What?" "Where?" "When?" "Wait, what?" "On the phone." "He's one of the people I called... this really nice guy, Kyle, he's an EMT and" "I don't know, we just totally connected." "We've been talking all day." "Oh my God, this is very romantical." "Yeah well, don't get too excited." "First of all, he lives in New York and second of all," "I just totally blew it with him." "What happened?" "He was on the phone when Alex called." "Ooh..." "Yeah, and he heard me totally wimp out and not stick up for myself and now he thinks I'm a psycho bitch with low self-esteem." "I'm sure he doesn't, call him back." "I can't." "Why?" "Why not?" "If he's as great as you say he is, then he'll totally give you another chance." "I don't know, maybe." "Look, call him back." "At this point, what have you got to lose, right?" "Do it, call him." "Do it now." "Okay." "Okay, okay." "Okay, call me later." "Alright, love you, bye." "Hey, it's Kyle, um, yeah..." "Hey, it's Kyle, um, yeah..." "Hello?" "Kyle, are you there?" "Kyle?" "Hello?" "Hi, this is Peter Rawlins from the Tyra Banks Show." "Seriously?" "Yes, seriously." "May I please speak to Amanda Feeny please?" "This is Amanda." "Hi Amanda." "Listen, Tyra is doing an episode on office romances and we got your name from an Alex Santiago?" "Yeah, I work with Alex." "Oh, well Alex says that you two are having a relationship and we wanted to fly you both out to New York City for a taping of the show." "Oh my God." "Seriously?" "Yes, that's right." "We'll be flying you both first class courtesy of" "American Airlines and you'll be staying in hotel accommodations courtesy of the Hyatt-Regency." "Oh my God." "This is so cool!" "Now before we book you, we do have to verify a few things." "First off, Alex says you two are having an interoffice romance." "Is that correct?" "Yeah, we are." "Great." "Now, do any of your coworkers know about the relationship?" "No." "Oh, well, Rob does." "That's Alex's boss." "I'm kind of hooking up with him, too." "Mmm, great." "That sounds fabulous." "Now do either you or Alex have any relationships outside of the office?" "No." "Alex isn't seeing anyone?" "No." "Are you sure?" "Um, Alex says he has a girlfriend." "Who?" "That Erica chick?" "No, they're not serious." "Okay." "Are you sure?" "Alex says he, uh, he's in love with this Erica girl." "No, he's not." "He said she was like a once in a while hook up and then she got clingy so he dumped the bitch." "Okay, that's all we need." "So am I going to New York?" "Yeah, yeah." "I know you're gonna be the star of the show." "In fact, Tyra is going to personally pick you up at the airport and drive you in her limo to the studio." "Shut up!" "Yeah, so can you be at LAX tomorrow at 5:00 AM?" "Totally." "Fabulous." "Well, I guess you were right." "I'm really sorry." "I just thought you'd want to know the truth." "How'd you get her info anyway?" "Facebook mostly." "Of course." "Erica, I'm, I'm truly sorry." "I didn't mean to " "I know, I know..." "I know." "So what are you gonna do?" "Something I should have done a long time ago." "Good luck." "Thanks, thanks." "Hey babe." "Uh, where are you?" "What's going on?" "What are you doing?" "Dumping your ass." "What?" "Whoa!" "Whoa, whoa!" "Now let's not get all excited, baby girl." "Tell me what the problem is." "The problem is I deserve better than you, Alex." "Yeah, well, good luck with that." "Screw you." "Screw me?" "Erica look, you are a customer service rep, okay?" "And let's face it, you are not getting any younger, so if you think that you can do better than me, well, you need a serious reality check." "I know I can do better than you and I think I've already found him." "Do you know what you're doing right now, huh?" "Yeah, yeah..." "I'm taking a chance." "Okay, uh, whatever..." "Goodbye Alex." "Babe, baby, baby." "Oh, and by the way, your friend, Amanda, is also sleeping with your boss." "Jesus Christ." "Hi, what is it, Mr. Koffsky?" "Uh, IT can't seem to find any problem with the network." "Oh really?" "That's weird." "Yeah, and they say your computer's been online all day." "Hmm, uh, I don't know, maybe it's something wrong with my laptop." "Erica?" "Yes, Mr. Koffsky?" "Cut the bullshit." "Excuse me?" "Let me play something for you." "Okay." "Are you really that stupid?" "Um, I'd like to speak to your supervisor." "You want a second opinion?" "Okay, you're a moron." "How's that?" "How did you get that?" "Some of your conversations are recorded for quality assurance." "Oh yeah." "Erica, what the hell's the matter with you?" "Uh, I don't know." "I'm sorry, I just lost it." "I'm just having a really weird day." "And all this crap about the network being down." "I know, I was lying." "Look, I just needed some time today to reconnect with the real world." "What are you talking about?" "It doesn't matter." "So, am I fired?" "Ha!" "Do you think?" "I understand." "Look, Erica, if you were having personal issues, you could have just told me." "I know, I'm sorry, I just..." "No, it's fine, it's fine, I mean, this is not like my long-term career path anyway, right." "I mean, life's too short to spend it doing something you don't love." "Ah, well, you know what, let me give you some advice there," "I mean, 'cause that all sounds really good in theory, but in the real world, people work, you know." "I mean, they go out and they do things that aren't all fun and games because they need to make money to buy food and pay the rent." "I mean, you know, we're laying people off left and right here and it is so hard to find another job, it just " "Look, what do you say I give you one more chance but you promise me that you will never pull any of those stunts again, hmm?" "What do you say?" "I really appreciate that Mr. Koffsky, I do." "It's just that, maybe it's better this way." "I mean, I need to, uh, step out of my comfort zone or at least get out of my apartment." "I just, you know, venture out into the unknown." "Okay, I understand." "Um, I can give you two weeks' severance." "Thank you." "Thank you, Mr. Koffsky." "Good luck, Erica." "Thank you." "Ah!" "Hey." "Hey." "How'd it go?" "Uh, it's fine." "It's over and I quit my job." "No, fired actually." "I got hired back and then I turned it down." "Whoa..." "Uh, I never told you to " "I'm taking a chance." "Good for you." "Um, can I ask you a question?" "What?" "So now you ask permission?" "Why do you, why do you even like me?" "Mostly for the archery." "No seriously." "I'm just, I'm just a Consumer Affairs Rep." "Former Consumer Affairs Rep." "Right." "I'm not special." "Are you kidding me?" "How many people would turn a wrong number into an opportunity to meet people, to connect with strangers." "I mean..." "I don't know..." "I don't know." "You made a difference in people's lives today, Erica." "Yeah, not like you do." "Just as important." "You think that lady in Nebraska gets to talk to people every day?" "I mean, her children don't even talk to her." "Yeah, I guess." "What about me?" "What about you?" "It's weird, but I have real, I have real feelings for you." "What?" "I think this could be something, you know." "Something important." "I have to meet you." "I can book a flight in the morning." "Sorry, I can't hear you." "I need to fly out and see you." "There's, sorry, there's an ambulance going by." "I hear it, too." "You hear that?" "I can hear it outside." "Isn't that weird?" "Wait..." "What?" "Where are you?" "L.A." "But your number, your number is 917." "I moved here a month ago and why bother change it?" "You didn't think that was worth mentioning?" "You never asked." "But we can hear the same ambulance." "Yeah." "Where are you exactly?" "Hi." "I'm Kyle." "Erica."