"That old bag." "One more perm, she won't have a hair on her head." " She's got plenty on her arms, baby." " She sure does shed, don't she?" "I can't believe this is a class." "Hey, without Film Studies, how would we know what movies mean?" "So Piz didn't say anything?" "About the whole party thing." "Like how you two made out in the hall and then you took off?" "Why, is he calling you all the time?" "He called once, the day after." "But how would you interpret his mood?" "You want me to have this talk?" " Am I a 12-year-old girl?" " No." "But you're drinking Fresca and watching Joan Crawford movies." "Look." "I told you, be honest, let him down easy, but..." " So he's gone all mushy?" " I don't know." "My interpretation of Piz's mood?" "Normal." "So is the girl-talk over?" "I'm trying to watch The Women here." " How was your day?" " It's official." " Two fewer burglaries this month and last." " I smell trend." "And the registration deadline for the special election is Monday." " So you're running..." " Unopposed." "I might stand a chance." "Okay." "Johnny Scopes and Desmond Fellows met where?" "NYU dean's office." "Johnny dropping out, and Desmond expelled." "Formed My Pretty Pony the next day." "Score one for Arnold." "Piz, name three My Pretty Pony songs that made college radio charts." ""Black Cat," "You Break Me, You Buy Me," "Jesus Saves but Where Does He Shop."" " All right." " Their last album was released?" "'96, More Problems." "Game over." "The Wake, EP, 1997." "Released over Desmond's objections after Johnny died." "Their official last album." "Congratulations, Piz." "Job's yours." "You replace Joe." "There's a lot riding on this." "Don't blow it." "Hey, Veronica." "Guess what." " What?" " You know My Pretty Pony?" " Yeah, I totally love them." " I know, right?" "So Desmond Fellows is coming to Hearst." "Why is he coming here?" "One of our idiot DJs swore on air and the FCC is literally fining us into oblivion." "So we got Desmond to come play a fundraiser to pay them off." "Otherwise the station's dead." " Johnny Scopes died, didn't he?" " Yeah." "But Desmond has the actual backing tapes of Johnny's vocals." "He plays all the My Pretty Pony songs along to the tapes." "It's awesome, this guy's one of my all time heroes." " I can get tickets if you maybe wanna..." " Yeah, maybe." "I'll see." "I gotta run, I'm late." "As you can clearly see." "And finally, consider this." "Do you know anyone who doesn't wear shoes?" "Very nice, Donaldson." "So..." "Logan Echolls?" "What have you got for us?" "Actually, I was hoping I could present my business plan on Monday." " Yeah, sure." " Why am I not surprised?" "I didn't get a chance to say this on the way but I was the biggest My Pretty Pony fan." "Sweet." "Hey, that's my drink, right?" "Yeah." "Tonic and ice." "I hope this is okay." "Nicest place in Neptune." "All the amenities." "What's he still doing here?" "Waiting for the tip." "It's a customary thing." "In America." "There you are my good man." " That'll get you 20 bones on eBay." " Why?" "I'm Desmond Fellows." "Obviously, he's not cool." "We'll leave that for the room service guy." "You know what, Fez?" "I'm pretty beat." "Why don't you go out see if you can grab us a few of those little mini-bottles off of a cart." "It would be great, I was gonna catch some Z's." "Surprise." "You really do have all the amenities." "You said, "Surprise me," so..." " Surprise." " Right." "I said..." "Who are you?" "BlackCat70?" "All the e-mails?" ""Surprise me when I'm in town."" "That was you?" " Oh, my God." " Right." "Misunderstanding." " Thunder's struck..." " Drawer's so cluttered." "We're here buying apples." "Apples for apple snack." "It's going to be Gabriel's Thunder." "This is a double tonight." "Sorry." "Do come see the show." "Advice?" "Never meet your idol." "More advice?" "Always confirm the accuracy of photos." " So you said there was a beach?" " Yeah, more than one." "Yeah." "Or you forget the beach." "Go to Mexico, get really weird." "Mexico, I'm not sure we can do." " The show's off, so why not?" " What, why?" "All the backing tapes and stuff?" "Used to be in this bag." "Now it contains only this." " Is the eggplant good?" " It's okay." " How about that stuff?" " It's good." "It's probably horrible for you, right?" "I'll stay with the eggplant." "No, wait." "What do you think?" " I need to see a psychiatrist." " I was thinking more an English professor." "What we're dealing with here is an absurd level of symbolism." " Two veggie lasagnas." " Okay." " Symbolism?" " "The Bronson parmigiana's good for me but the Max-uccini looks awfully tempting."" "It's not my fault Max won't stop calling." "Like you should talk." "Me?" "I'm not ordering good boy while wishing I'd ordered bad boy." "No, you gave up bad boy but keep asking for samples of good boy." "No, I..." "Wait, what?" " Okay, if Logan is the fettuccine..." " It's the eggplant." "Piz." "Actually, I wanted to talk to you too." "I need to apologize." "At the party, I was irresponsible." "I think we should file the party away and just be friends." " For now." " I kind of got that." "I'm actually calling because I need help with, like, a case thing." " Hey." " Hey." " You forget something?" " Just saying hi." "I haven't seen you since Parker's party." "Now, what brings you here?" "Oh, just a case thing." "Actually, can I ask you something?" "The weekend you almost got your head shaved your dad said you were staying at Wallace's but it was just you and Piz, huh?" "Yes, but no." "No." "I mean, I slept in Wallace's bed and it was just a place to stay." " Nothing was..." " Oh, thank God you're..." "Hey." "Hey." "Good luck." "Empty." "Just a hotel robe stuffed in there to make it look full." " Look, without those tapes, he can't..." " Hey, Puss." "This is all we have, which I won't touch." "You need to contact management immediately..." " Hey, is that your girlfriend?" " No, just a friend." "Veronica, hi." "I'm a really big fan." "You're just using him to get to me." "Mercenary, I like it." "You know what, I'm doing a show tomorrow night." " lf you wanna hang backstage, Monica..." " Her dad's a PI." "She'll help us find that woman who took the tapes." "Oh, I think I figured that whole thing out." "Come here." "Check it out." "Is that the woman?" "That was my mistake." "That's BlackCat80." "The woman in my room was BlackCat70." "Number trouble." "So do you have pictures of the woman who was in your room?" "No." "Anyone ever tell you you look like a feisty young Barbara Eden?" "How did she know you'd be here?" " How old are you, Monica?" " I'm 11." "You arranged this how?" "Instant messaging." "But I didn't save any of the..." "All business." "Deadly." "Yeah, there she is." "BlackCat70." "It's a shame she was old, she seemed cool." "So you didn't get her name." " Just BlackCat70." " What's that?" "Did she try and draw herself?" "It's a Chinese character." "I know guys taking Chinese, we could ask them." "It's a start." "Was there anything in the bag?" "Just medications." "Pills." " What are you taking pills for?" " You know." "Life." "Ever had that nightmare, you forget you're taking a class and you have to take the final?" "No." "I gotta come up with a business plan by Monday." "Dude, that's a bummer." " What are you doing?" " Getting famous." "What is that?" "Dude, that's me." "Ghost-riding the whip." "Check it out." " Did you run over your own foot?" " Yeah." "Which is why I think I have a real shot at the top of the charts." "And this is something people do?" "Cool people." "You did good for your first time." "Next time, it'll be easier." "The next and last time I run will be to chase down and kill the inventor of Ultimate Frisbee." "Hello?" "Hey, Logan, Parker's not here." "Me?" " "GradeMyAss"?" " Dot-net, yes." "I need to present a viable business plan for a class." "I need a lowest common denominator website with a simple interactive element I can build a business plan around." "You could do this in your sleep." "I'll pay." " And the catch?" " It's due Monday morning." " I'll need Red Bull and licorice." " Deal." "You're on the air with Desmond Fellows of My Pretty Pony." "Playing a benefit tomorrow night at Liberty Lunch." "Brought to you by Wrigley's Extra gum." "Okay, caller." "Are you there?" "Their leftover gum?" "The brand." "Extra gum." "Sugarless." "Okay, caller, are you there?" "Desmond, you rock." "Play "You Break Me" tomorrow, okay?" "Oh, yeah, all the old hit, you bet." "Hey, are you that redhead out in the food court?" "How do you feel about showing me those big old...?" "Okay." " Second caller, you're on with Desmond." " Dude, you suck." "Oh, hey, thanks a lot, man." "So, what's your question?" "You just scrounge money off the memory of your dead partner." "How do you live with yourself?" "Well, I drink heavily and I abuse drugs." " Hack." " Moving on, you're on with Desmond." "I'm calling from Semites for the Savior." "We want everyone to know this man makes songs  that mock our religious beliefs." "You're a Jewish group and your initials are S. S?" "Oh, God." "We encourage everyone to pray that he cancels the show..." "Nazi gonna happen." "Don't worry, the show's canceling itself." "I would pray, instead, for a girlfriend." "Hey, what's up?" "It's Des." "Dude." "Party." " Miller Hall, room 404, tonight." " Got a pen?" "That was great." "Home, please." "Piz." " What did he mean, "canceling itself"?" " It's nothing." "He just misplaced the backing tapes." "It's no big deal." "You know what happens if we have to cancel this show." "Plax." "Come on, I'm missing Night Court." "Sacks." " Where are those drug stats?" " Sheriff." " Leo." " Sheriff Mars." "What brings you around here?" "I was hoping I could have a word with you." "What've you been up to, Leo?" "Doing security at Sport Haus." "Which is what I wanted to talk to you about." "I was on the afternoon shift and I noticed one of the stock guys acting kind of weird." "Making calls from a payphone across the street." "Taking the occasional photo of the floors and back offices on his cell phone." " What, like he's casing the joint?" " Kind of." "Then I noticed a new name on the cleaning-crew roster." " Danny Boyd." " Fitzpatrick flunky." "I tell my supervisor my concerns." "He says he'll look into it." "Next day, I'm switched to a new shift." "Something's not right." "Danny Boyd, huh?" "I'm friendly with a judge who might give me a tap on Boyd's phone." "Just stay put and I'll see what I can do." "What I want to know is, how'd that guy write cool, insightful songs?" " Or did Johnny do the good ones?" " Desmond wrote all the good ones." "I think he's just tired." "He's been on the road all spring." " We got class in five minutes, so..." " Veronica, Vincent and Marty." "I figured between them, they'd know." "We need to figure out what that means." "So this represents..." "What's the word?" " It's like a pleasing quality." " Right, right." "Like "charming."" "Or more, it's a spiritual quality, but like charming or effortless." "It's a..." "God." "I got it. "Grace."" " Grace." " Right, yeah." "What?" "Look, guys, what is there to say?" "I was a huge Pretty Pony fan." "Desmond and I exchanged messages." "And believe it or not, I wasn't always a boring associate professor of Chinese." "I was once rather wild." "Was?" "You climbed down from the room on a sheet." "We're not the wild patrol." "We just need his stuff back." " What stuff?" " From his bag." " That you took after..." " I didn't take anything." "You were the only one alone with his backpack." " He was a jerk, so..." " I didn't take anything of his." "Professor Schaefer, the situation is life and death." "There was medication in there." "Which Desmond needs to live." "Oh, my God, is he okay?" "I'll cancel my class." "We'll call my doctor." "What's he missing?" " So you believe her?" " I kind of do." "She would've given a kidney to Desmond had we asked." "Who was that guy who called praying Desmond's show was canceled?" "Semites for the Savior." "Maybe they heard that God is now helping those that help themselves?" "So look-wise, you're thinking bright, fun, simple." "Accessible." "Quick loading to maximize click-throughs." "Don't put the best asses at the top." "Make people hunt for them." " I compiled studies of browsing behavior..." " But you don't want them too hidden." "If you can't find the good ones, you'll feel cheated." "And his role in this enterprise?" " Consultant, I'm an ass expert." " Yes." " Except for the expert part." " I'm an ass?" "Who would you ask for advice about lions?" "A lion or a gerbil?" ""Gerbil," you say?" "No, you ask a lion." "Because by virtue of being a lion, a lion is an expert on lions." "So..." "Okay, I don't see how you hope to launch a website about hot asses without me." "But fine." "It's Friday night." "If I walk long enough in a straight line, I'll hit a party." "State legislators will meet later in the week to discuss banning the sale of condoms  in convenience stores within a six-block radius of any..." "I take it you failed." "We found the groupie, but she said she didn't take the tapes." "We have some other leads." "We'll find the tapes and get them back" "Do the show and I'm a hack" "Party time." "What to wear?" "What was that?" " The song?" " That?" "No, it's a thing." "No, it's cool." "Reminds me of the demo on the Wild Ponies reissue." "Indie rock, or "rock" rock?" ""Rock" rock." "Cause the bad boys get the chicks." "I mean look at you, you're single and you're very nice." " There's a correlation." " Do you still write stuff?" "Well, people want to hear the old hits, so no." "What about that one you just played?" "That was a cool song." "There's no bridge." "Who cares anyway, hey, you know?" "I played the old hits, I get paid." "I go to parties." "If it ain't broke..." " It's gonna be a lame party." " Really?" "I should go to Mexico." "If you stayed here and worked on the song, you wouldn't miss much." "My stuff's locked up in the club." "I've got a guitar." "In my room." "Well, if it's gonna be a lame party, maybe." "I'll be back in 15 minutes, okay?" "And finally, a blast from the past." "After 10 years in the "where are they now" file  Desmond Fellows appears tomorrow  to give fans of cult fave My Pretty Pony a taste of what they've been missing." "And back at work, they still love you" "So why does this still feel like Your interview?" "Payday and if money's all that matters now" "You're complaining That you don't know how" "When we come back, a household item  that could be dangerous to your pets and children." "Sorry about that, man." "Go on." " Drew Barrymore?" " Yeah." " Rose McGowan." " Oh, yes." " Jennifer Love Hewitt." " Twice." "Dude, you are my idol." "Who are you?" " So you surviving?" " Surviving what?" "Helping Piz." "You know, those puppy-dog eyes on you all the time." "It's weird, like you said." "Normal Piz." "Like nothing ever happened." "Which bothers you because making out with you is supposed to be a life-changing experience." "I don't know." "I just..." "Why are we talking about this?" " I thought you loved these conversations." " No." "Hoping to follow it up with a cuteness countdown of the Baldwin brothers." "I hope we're still friends after I Taser you." "So this is totally modular." "You can swap out content whenever." "Like franchisable." "You wanna do boobs, legs, kittens, whatever." "You can have a new site up and going instantly." "You can bring your advertisers along." "Okay, we'll sell that in the pitch." "So the difference between income models would be what?" "Not exactly my hacker forte." "Information wants to be free." "But I know someone who kind of knows." "Well, could we call this someone?" "Max?" "Yeah, hi." "Puz." "Spizen." "Dude, you're in time." "We're going skinny-dipping!" "Okay, the key to good skinny-dipping is what I call total nakedness." "Not just physical nakedness, but spiritual as well." "La Paz." "Capital of Bolivia." "Get weird, man." "This is my lifestyle!" "Yeah." "God in his heaven, it's freezing!" "Oh, my God!" "I don't recommend this." "Hey, man, you wanna turn that off?" "It really kills the mood." ""Hey Jude," "Yesterday," "Get Back"?" "Catchy tunes, yes." "Rock 'n' roll, no." "What kind of musician doesn't recognize The Beatles as the greatest rock band?" "I don't recognize them as a rock band at all." "They were tunesmiths." "Hey, man, I didn't get all pissy when you denied my claim that Marshal Dillon's the greatest sheriff of all time." "Marshal Dillon was a marshal, and more importantly, is fictional." "That's what The Beatles are to me:" "fictional." ""Revolution," "Hey Jude." These were real songs, man." ""Norwegian Wood."" "Sorry." "I'm sorry." "I used to know a rent boy from Oslo who called himself that." "Mr. Mars." "I think Desmond is just winding you up." "Most critics reference The Beatles influence in Desmond's material." "Oh, you mean those Beatles." "I'm sorry, I thought you meant the other ones with the two E's from the Lower East Side." "No, they're totally fictional." "John, Paul, George and the drummer?" "Those guys were awesome." "Veronica, could you have Sacks bring me the leg irons?" "Come on, Dad." "Let it be." "Here's what I did on my term paper site." "Break it down." "For the lazy, search and credit button right there." "For the dumb, billable links at the top, disguised as functions." " So they link without realizing." " And I make a dollar." "See, the point of the Internet is to make money off stupid people." "I like how you think, Max." "That sound you hear is my idealism quietly shattering." "That other sound you hear is my cynicism laughing at your idealism shattering." "It won't be laughing when I crash your evil website." " I'll be laughing when you try." " Will you?" "Maybe I'm in your trusted host table already." "Should I get a camera?" "There's gotta be someone who'd pay to see this hot nerd-on-nerd action." " Welcome to Semites for the Savior." " Hi, who's in charge here?" "Me." "You guys interested in joining?" " No." " Yes, we are." "We wanna know what you guys are doing to stop that Desmond Fellow show." "That guy?" "We've sent a sternly worded letter to the dean's office..." "Realistically." "Like a real way to, you know, take care of it." " Veronica?" " Yeah?" "That was the bellboy who showed Desmond and me to the room." " Ratner." " Oh, great." "What are you going to accuse me of this time?" "How about stealing Desmond Fellows' backing tapes?" "Congratulations." "Wrong again." "You had Desmond's bags in your possession." "You're a member of a group protesting his presence." "That, to me, is a thing that makes you go:" "What's the thing that makes you go away?" "I didn't know who he was until George told me..." "Who put the robe in there?" "You had access." " What robe?" " Big, blue hotel robe in the bag." " You said it was a Neptune Grand robe." " Yeah, a fluffy, blue robe." " Neptune Grand robes aren't..." " Blue." "They're white." "Okay, I'm apologizing." "I'm sorry for thinking you were guilty." "I don't accept your apology." "I'll live." "So can I see the bag and the robe?" "Right." "Not a Neptune Grand robe." "So, what, that's a clue?" "What kind?" "Nothing else was in there." "So?" "Did you solve it?" "Yes." "The answer is Danny Cleaver's bag and all my time this weekend." "What are two things you didn't mean to take, but did." "This isn't your bag." "You must have switched at the airport with Danny Cleaver." "It's a Los Angeles phone number and the show's in four hours." "So we should have your tapes back right on time." "Danny Cleaver?" "Did you happen to notice your backpack was full of tapes?" "I've been kind of hung-over." "My bags are still in the car." "How does this guy make it through airport security?" "Johnny's vocals from More Problems." "Okay, this album, my freshman year of high school." "I had a job washing dishes at a nursing home where all the boss did was talk about bar fights and weird sexual encounters." " How weird?" " Worst year of my life." "But an off-brand MP3 player and this album got me through it." "When I was on dance team, I tried to convince them to do a routine to "Why You Shot Me Down" but change the words to "We Threw a Touchdown."" "Wait." "You were on a dance team?" "I was a dance teamer with a deep soul." "Plus, I thought Desmond was cute." "Who knew he'd turn out to be such a wastoid letch?" "I don't think he's always been like that." "Still, it's gonna be a good show." "I'm glad we saved it." "Good thing I got the nerve to call you." " Why wouldn't you have called?" " You know, I thought it might be awkward." "Me and you, after that." "Yeah." "I'm glad it's not awkward." "Oh, it is, I'm very uncomfortable." "I thought I'd be even more uncomfortable." "New Crap?" "What album is that?" "It's not an album." "He said he'd been working on new stuff." "He actually..." "He played some stuff for me and it was pretty cool." "That truck isn't supposed to be here." "They're getting an early start." "What?" "It's happening now." "Those are guns." "And, jeez." "Vinnie?" "He was their man getting the security layout?" " How do we play it?" " We wait for backup." " Keith?" " Yeah, Sacks, it's me." "I'm at Sport Haus and there's a robbery in progress." "Get some cars down here." "What the hell?" " Yeah?" " Someone reported a robbery at Sport Haus." "Says he trapped them inside the store." "Isn't that where you are?" "Vinnie." "What are you doing here?" "Working for a living." "Owner hired me." "Got wind of some foul play, and he brought me in." "So I infiltrated the gang and..." "Hey, Vinnie." "Sealed with a kiss, sheriff." " Come on." " Open up." "Seriously." "Are you kidding?" "Desmond?" "Just waiting on the tapes." "They should be here any second." "I never should've let Piz handle this." "If we have to refund those tickets..." "Piz, where are you?" "It's for you." "Hey, man, did you get the tapes?" "Yeah, we got them." "But there's a problem." "We're stuck in traffic and we won't make it in time." "Oh, man." "How long?" "There's an accident, I have no..." "Is there anything you can do until we get there?" "Did you ever finish any of those new songs?" " Maybe a few." " Can you start with one of those?" "Let me think about it." "You realize you've left your fate in the hands of a spineless and semi-alcoholic has-been rock star." "What are you gonna do?" "So I bet you all wanna hear some My Pretty Pony hits, huh?" "How about some new solo material?" "All right." "New solo material, it is." "She picked me out of the millions" "Thumbing an OED" "Dressed me down to civilian" "Cracks the code on the Rosetta stone" "Says the word for alone is "alone"" "My before and after" "My before and after" "My before and after her" "We found that R. Mutt that was truly" "Some work of genius She helped my best friends see through me" "Piznarski." "You're a good guy." "Said the church of His Holiness lied" "This world's no dead end It's park and ride" "Thank you for coming." "Have a good night." "Thank you." "Piz." "You made it." "Were you able to catch the end of the show?" "Yeah, we caught the whole thing." " Were you screwing with me?" " I wanted to hear the new stuff." "It was awesome." "It was awesome." "You're a bad man, Piznarski." "So is this about right?" "You're all set to fleece idiots." "Thanks for helping us out." "Hey, free food." "Why not?" "Just remember you gotta link to me." "You wanna compromise the reputation of your cheating site with a link to our ass site?" "Anything to help you guys out." "You up for breakfast tomorrow?" "I gotta finish up." "Rain check." " What?" " Nothing." "Hey." "You're still kind of a jerk, but that was kind of incredible." "Thank you." "You wanna go grab a drink?" "Get away from all these damn kids?" "If I do say so?" "A m-ass-terpiece." "So, what's up with Veronica and Piz?" "Is she, like, dating him, or what?" "She's trying to let him down easy." "But..." "I don't know, when we were dating did they ever, like, you know?" "No more talk of Veronica's love life." "Ever." "But I will say, if you think she was unfaithful, you're an idiot." "Now, if you'll excuse me, it's morning." "Okay." "So it's what?" "Just Mac?" "Actually, forget the check." "How about a 50-percent stake?" "So you're part owner?" "I saw his numbers and figured I'd be a millionaire by 2050." "Bronson?" "I..." "You're a great guy, Bronson." "You really are." "And I really feel almost insane for saying this, but I really think I have to." "I think we should break up." "I just think that's how it should be." "I'm really, really sorry." "The average teen spends 16 hours a week online." "And clicks on hundreds of links." "And in this day and age, someone is there to make a percentage on each click." "What does the average teenager want to see?" "The female posterior." "It commands a huge slice of the average surfer's online attention." "Our goal is to take that tiny percentage..." "All right, Mr. Echolls, thank you." " We've seen quite enough." " I'm not screwing around, sir." " This is about income streams and..." " That'll do." "You can sit down now." "All right." " Are you serious?" " Yeah." "A, I feel responsible for you being fired." " The owner was wrong to fire you, but..." " What's B?" "B is we need men." "What do you say, Leo?" "Feel like getting back in?" " I'll come in for the paperwork." " Leo?" "Are you under arrest?" " Because I've got an in with the sheriff." " Me too." "I'm a deputy again." "So guess I'll be seeing you around." "Just like old times." " He's back?" " Yep." " How's your rocker friend?" " On his way to play University of Alaska." "Good." "I don't wanna be square, but you keep away from musicians." "Mr. Van Lowe." "To what do we owe the honor?" "Just to follow up, you know." "On that crime I stopped." "And to say thanks." ""It was the actions of local private investigator Vincent Van Lowe that led to the suspects being apprehended."" ""Vinnie did a great job on this one," said Acting Sheriff Keith Mars." ""He's an asset to this community."" ""He's an asset to this community." That's great, Keith." "You can't buy that kind of publicity." "I've tried, you really can't." "Hardly need to these days, Vinnie, you're the only PI in town." "I didn't mean for business." "I mean for my campaign." " Campaign?" " For sheriff." "The special election." "Sport Haus owner and a bunch of his pals said I should." "So I threw my hat in this morning." "Vinnie Van Lowe, "He's an asset to this community" Sheriff Mars." "That's gonna look great on my posters." "[ENGLISH]"