"( theme song playing )" "KLINK:" "Prisoners of Stalag 13, you see before you fresh evidence of the invincibility of the Luftwaffe and the great genius of German military tactics." "Now, these four men are the lucky ones from the latest American raid on the ball bearing factories at Zuglitz." "Once again, our fighters have swept the air clean." "Once again, the superiority of our men and machines has been asserted." "NEWKIRK:" "Hear, hear!" "KLINK:" "Silence!" "And if there are any more raids on Zuglitz, the war will soon be over." "Any questions?" "Colonel." "Yes, Hogan." "What happened last night at Cologne?" "Dismissed." "Schultz." "Take these men to the barracks." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "Well, you really gave it to him good, Colonel." "Yeah, right in the old pomposity." "Yeah, but he's right." "Zuglitz is a graveyard for us." "Too strong... too many fighter planes." "Hey, Colonel, why don't we do something about it?" "Carter..." "I think we will." "Colonel Hogan, Herr Kommandant." "Hmm." "I'm sorry if I said anything wrong, sir... out in the compound about Cologne." "I was not listening." "Sir, I was impressed by your little talk about the genius of German military tactics." "Is that something you're all born with, sir, or is it the training?" "Well, I would say half and half." "Wow... and we're bucking all that." "You know your situation, of course, is hopeless." "It's a good thing we got the Russians with us." "Dismissed, Hogan." "Yes, sir." "That's the eastern front, isn't it, sir?" "How's it going?" "Quiet well, thank you." "Dismissed." "Hmm." "Looks like a bulge in your lines here at Kiev." "I'm strictly air force myself, sir, but couldn't that be trouble?" "As you said, you have not the background for it." "You see, we are merely moving our troops back to pull the Russians into a trap." "And I'm just waiting for Radio Berlin to announce that the trap has been sprung." "Snap." "You know, I never would've thought of that." "Now, first, we hit them with the Stukas, so..." "Then in come the Panzers-- crash." "And then all the ground troops-- smash." "Oh-ho!" "Mm-hmm." "We'll hear all about it on the 6:00 news." "Or will we?" "Hmm?" "What happened to that?" "I don't mean to knock your ally, Commandant, but these Japanese radios..." "You touched it?" "Don't worry about a thing, sir." "Sergeant Kinchloe is a wizard at these sort of things." "I'll have it back in no time at all for you to hear the smash-crash." "But it worked perfectly before you came in here." "Lucky I stopped by." "Get the radio fixed?" "Uh, just about, Colonel." "Of course, I'll still have some work to do in Klink's office." "All right, hurry it up." "I don't get it." "Are we going to hook up the radio and the communications room in our tunnel?" "So far you're perfect, Carter." "And it only plays what we send over it." "Are we going to do our own newscasts?" "No." "We listen to the Berlin radio broadcast, record it, and then 30 minutes later let Klink hear it." "Oh, now I understand." "Six o'clock news is in, sir." "Russians broke through at Kiev." "20-mile advance and the Jerries are in full retreat." "Figures." "Here comes Schultz." "Don't forget to get his watch." "Candy from a baby, sir." "SCHULTZ:" "Colonel Hogan." "Where's Commandant Klink's radio, Colonel Hogan?" "Oh, blimey, Schultz." "What are you?" "On another crash diet?" "Skin and bone you are." "I have no time for small talk." "Right." "Colonel Hogan, Commandant Klink is furious that you did not bring back the radio." "He missed his 6:00 news from Radio Berlin." "What's your hurry, Schultz?" "It's 20 till six." "Ha!" "You're too slow, Colonel Hogan." "The time is, look..." "Look at what, Schultz?" "I lost my watch." "Here it is, Schultzy." "Do be more careful." "Say thank you." "Thank... you." "Colonel Hogan, the time is not 20 to 6:00, but... 20 to 6:00." "Yeah, exactly." "I don't understand." "That's all right, Schultz." "Nobody's perfect." "LeBeau, go tell Kinch to hurry up with the commandant's radio." "He doesn't want to miss the 6:00 newscast." "Right, Colonel." "Hey, Schultz, I'll make you a bet." "I'll bet you don't even need to listen to the news." "Just from experience you can tell what's happened." "What's happened?" "Well, like at the Russian front, for instance." "Klink claims that the bulge in your lines at Kiev is a trap." "What's your opinion?" "Why should I have an opinion?" "It's the military genius of the German mind." "Right, fellows?" "Yes, sir, right." "It's the size of the head, you see." "It's a dead giveaway." "A man with a head this size should, oh, be a general at least." "Schultz?" "HOGAN:" "Not only that, but Schultz is genius enough to know Klink has never been right on anything." "So the Russians probably made a 20-mile advance." "You know, when I came here, the time was ten minutes after six, and now..." "The Russians-- 20-mile advance." "The radio's fixed, Colonel." "Shall we go?" "Oh, fine" " I just can't wait to see if Schultz is right." "Remember?" "20-mile advance." "Now, you specifically said that you would have the radio back by 6:00." "Did you or did you not?" "Of course I did, and that's what it is-- three minutes to six." "Ridiculous." "Schultz, tell him what time it is." "Well, it is more like two minutes to six." "What's the matter with you?" "Fraulein Hilda!" "What time is it?" "Two minutes to six." "Pfft..." "Now you are wrong." "Schultz, you are wrong." "And, Hogan, you are wrong." "All set." "Good." "I just simply don't understand it." "You know, Commandant..." "Schultz had an interesting theory about what might have happened at Kiev today." "I did?" "Schultz did?" "You mean you don't discuss strategy with Schultz?" "Man has some keen insights." "Phenomenal." "He seems to feel that the Russians were going to break through your lines today..." "How many miles did you say, Schultz?" "Twenty?" "That's absurd." "This was a carefully set trap by our forces, and I predict..." "The set's waiting, Commandant." "Go." "ANNOUNCER:" "This is the voice of Radio Berlin." "It is 6:00." "ANNOUNCER:" "Heavy fighting around Kiev resulted in generally successful tactical gains for our gallant forces." "You see?" "Wait." "ANNOUNCER:" "Under heavy pressure from the red hordes..." "Formidable." "Bloody marvelous." "ANNOUNCER:" "...result of which they were able to completely stabilize their new lines some 20 miles closer to the Thousand-Year Reich." "Unfortunately, losses in Stuka bombers and infantry were extremely heavy." "Turn it off." "Smash-crash." "I was right." "You're always right, Schultz." "What's going to happen tomorrow?" "Well... hmm." "I would say..." "Out!" "Everybody out!" "And you would say, Schultz, from the depths of your experience and your extraordinary military intuition, that the Russians have probably advanced today beyond the old Polish border?" "I would say, Colonel Hogan, from the depths of my experience and my truly extraordinary military intuition... yes." "Amazing." "Incroyable." "The man's in league with the devil." "If he hits it today, that's seven in a row." "Well, Colonel Hogan, shall we go and listen to Radio Berlin telling you what I have already told you?" "We have another Napoleon, right here in Stalag 13." "ANNOUNCER:" "By shortening the German lines to positions just west of Olsk, inside the old Polish border, this brilliant strategic withdrawal, accomplished only by heroic sacrifice is hailed by Wehrmacht commanders as..." "When they should be going forward, they go backward." "Again, why?" "It is really elementary." "No lecture, Schultz." "Better listen to him, Commandant." "After all he's called the turn every day this week." "Right on the button." "Blind luck-- he knows nothing." "He's only a sergeant." "Hitler was a corporal." "Well... it is my considered view, that..." "Your view of what?" "Ah, General Burkhalter, forgive me." "I didn't expect you here until 6:30." "It is 6:40, Klink." "Oh, no, sir, it cannot be 6:40." "I was just listening to Radio Berlin..." "Klink!" "Are you going to believe me or Radio Berlin?" "Is there any choice, sir?" "Might have known you'd be here, General." "Can't keep anything from you, sir." "What are you talking about, Hogan?" "Sergeant Schultz." "We've uncovered a military genius." "He can predict what's going to happen on any front and be 100% right." "Is that correct, Schultz?" "I-I beg to report, General Burkhalter, it is substantially correct." "This thing might have big implications, don't you think, General?" "Why are you so eager to help the German war effort, Hogan?" "I'm a rat." "Klink, what has he predicted?" "General Burkhalter, let me tell you." "The Russian front-- a defeat everywhere." "What good is that?" "If he could tell what German cities were to be bombed and when, that would have some purpose." "Schultz?" "German cities?" "Yes." "What city will be hit tonight?" "Tonight?" "Sergeant Schultz likes to think these things through-- sleep on them." "Let him sleep sometime else." "What city?" "Generally, General Burkhalter..." "I wish to know about tonight now!" "What city?" "I have my best thoughts when I talk things over with Colonel Hogan." "Another one of your frauds, Klink?" "KLINK:" "General Burkhalter, please, let me assure you..." "Just pick any city, Schultz." "With your intuition, you can't go wrong." "Any city?" "Any city." "Well, for some reason-- I don't know why" "I always liked the name Hamburg." "Hamburg." "That's it for tonight." "He never misses." "This goes straight to Allied headquarters, London." "Urgent for the RAF." "Right, Colonel." "Most of the squadrons will be airborne." "We want them to change their course." "Target for tonight:" "Hamburg." "Very urgent-- Hamburg." "Got you." "Good." "Kind of a long way to go, sir, just to make old Schultzy look good." "But in the end, it's going to make Zuglitz look bad... we hope." "So, if the new military genius Sergeant Schultz is correct," "Hamburg must be under heavy attack tonight, and my good friend General Schmidt much too busy to answer." "HILDA:" "General Burkhalter." "Ein moment." "General Schmidt, sir." "KLINK:" "Bungler." "Thank you." "My dear Schmidt, Burkhalter here." "Forgive me for bothering you at this hour, but we have had some information that you have been under attack tonight." "All is quiet?" "I'm so happy for you." "Sorry for the call, and I wish you..." "Do I hear a siren?" "There are no sirens here, Schmidt." "It must be... ( explosion on phone, line goes dead )" "Too busy to talk, sir?" "They have dropped a bomb on Schmidt." "Nobody listens." "I'm sending this man to Berlin first thing in the morning." "HOGAN:" "Oh, I wouldn't do that if I were you, sir." "Why not?" "Well, I mean, I've heard of similar cases." "They're unable to get results." "Once they get out of a familiar environment, uh..." "the magic goes." "You may be right." "Perhaps we should forget about the whole thing, General Burkhalter." "Of course not, Klink." "Berlin will send someone here to test him tomorrow." "Hear that, sir?" "That's why this man's a general." "Anything we can do for you, Sergeant Schultz?" "Take you to your quarters, perhaps, for a good night's rest?" "Thank you." "This will do nicely." "Sleep in my quarters?" "Klink!" "Did you know they were going to bomb Hamburg?" "General Burkhalter, I can sleep anywhere-- in my office, on my desk, anywhere." "Berlin has sent a Colonel Hoffman from the SS Sicherheitsdienst." "Just a few questions, Sergeant Schultz, and perhaps one more of your predictions-- all routine, of course." "Of course." "And I might say at this time that once again, I am proud to say that Stalag 13 has proven a training ground for..." "HILDA:" "Colonel Hoffman." "Gentlemen." "Heil Hitler." "Heil Hitler." "KLINK:" "Heil Hitler." "This would be Sergeant Schultz." "You are a colonel?" "And who is this?" "Colonel Hogan, senior prisoner of war officer." "KLINK:" "Would you like him to leave, Colonel Hoffman?" "No, he can stay." "Well, the target for tonight is..." "What would I say the target for tonight is, Colonel Hogan?" "You'll come up with it, Schultz." "Colonel Hoffman's in no hurry." "That's right, Colonel Hogan-- no hurry at all." "Colonel Hogan..." "I have some very effective after-shave lotion." "I discovered it while I was making some TNT." "Carter, the colonel can't have the woman throwing herself at him before dinner, can he?" "Cut it with 50% water, sir?" "Look, this isn't exactly the girl next door." "She's a colonel in the security police." "And I'd hate to think how she got there." "All squared away with the RAF, Colonel." "They're on their way to Schultz' target for tonight" " Dusseldorf." "Good." "And tomorrow's the trap, Colonel?" "If the woman certifies Schultz as a genius, yes." "And tonight, he predicts a big raid against Berlin." "The ball bearing plant at Zuglitz is just 75 miles away." "The Nazis pull all of their fighter planes out of Zuglitz to defend Berlin, and that's it." "Crunch." "Colonel, protect yourself." "The woman is always more deadly than the man, but this one... ( whistles )" "If I find myself wanting to take her home to introduce her to the folks, I'll remember." "Yes." "Yes, I see." "Yes." "I have truly wonderful news." "Dusseldorf has been wiped out." "Oh, my..." "Germany now possesses the ultimate weapon" "Schultz!" "To Sergeant Schultz." "To Sergeant Schultz." "To Dusseldorf." "SCHULTZ:" "Danke." "( drunkenly ):" "Today, Dusseldorf; tomorrow..." "What did I say they're going to hit tomorrow, Colonel Hogan?" "Berlin." "Tomorrow, Berlin." "Flat as a pancake." "No, no, no, Schultz." "Now that we know where, our fighters will be ready and waiting-- all of them." "Of course, if Schultz is wrong, other important targets will be left undefended." "BURKHALTER:" "How could he be wrong?" "Dusseldorf, Hamburg, the Russian front-- 100% correct." "A military genius." "( chuckles )" "I could not be more proud of him if he were my own son, which he practically is, of course." "You will notify Berlin, Colonel Hoffman?" "Quite possible... after I wind up one or two loose ends with Colonel Hogan." "BURKHALTER:" "Hogan?" "HOFFMAN:" "I have observed that the psychic communication between Hogan and Schultz is very close." "I must explore the matter further... alone." "Take a bottle and do not hurry back." "But, uh... where is there to go in a prison camp?" "Ah, leave that to me, General Burkhalter." "The moonlight-- it's beautiful on the laundry or the bakery." "Oh, unforgettable." "Today, Dusseldorf; tomorrow..." "What's its name?" "Flat as a pancake!" "HOFFMAN:" "Well, Colonel Hogan..." "How did you spot the, um... psychic connection?" "I think you have many connections... not all of them psychic." "Oh?" "Such as?" "Mere suspicion." "A police habit." "Sure." "What are you reporting to Berlin?" "That you're suspicious?" "No, that I have found a certified infallible genius." "Sergeant Schultz." "But you don't really believe that." "In reporting to fools, one must always say what they want to hear." "Hitler has lost control of the present." "It would be a great comfort to know the future." "That's your only reason?" "Give them what they want?" "Not entirely." "In Klink's office today, what did you think when you first saw me?" "What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?" "That's a long story that may be over very soon." "What else did you think?" "Your turn." "Of course." "I thought that I would very much like to be in your arms." "And I knew that I would have to make it happen... soon." "Who are you?" "A woman who would like to be something other than what I am." "Help me." "And the woman, Colonel-- she was putty in your hands?" "Let's just forget it, huh?" "Gentlemen don't discuss these things, LeBeau." "I said forget it!" "Sure, Colonel." "Look, she may be on our side, just maybe." "Did you know she was leaving?" "No, I didn't know." "Too bad, you will miss our celebration." "Tonight, Sergeant Schultz, the ultimate weapon, strikes back." "HOFFMAN:" "Oh, Colonel Hogan... step in for a moment." "I have a message for you." "Do as the colonel says, Hogan." "Why didn't you tell me last night you were leaving?" "I just found out this morning." "But it's only for overnight." "I'll be back." "Where are you going?" "Zuglitz." "Zuglitz?" "Some security matter at the ball bearing plant." "Until tomorrow, then?" "Yeah, until tomorrow." "Where's she going, Colonel?" "Zuglitz." "Zuglitz?" "And you didn't stop her?" "I wasn't that sure, so I didn't try." "To the ultimate weapon, my son Schultz." "To the speedy victory of the Third Reich." "( drunkenly ):" "To Dusseldorf!" "No, no, no, Schultz." "Dusseldorf was not a victory." "Berlin will be a victory." "To Berlin!" "Flat as a pancake!" "Schultz!" "( phone rings )" "Berlin?" "I hope so." "HILDA:" "Colonel Klink's quarters." "Berlin calling, sir." "Ah!" "Good news." "Burkhalter here." "What's the news, General Sietenbaum?" "How many Allied barbarians were shot down by the ultimate weapon?" "None?" "That's not a very good number." "But what happened?" "They hit Zuglitz instead?" "Flat as a pancake." "I was right again." "Yes, General Sietenbaum." "Yes." "Yes, I will await with great interest the disposition of my case." "Thank you, General Sietenbaum." "Bad news?" "Klink!" "You got me into this!" "It is all your fault!" "But, General Burkhalter, I made quite clear that this man was an idiot, always has been an idiot..." "Today, Berlin;" "tomorrow, the world." "Flat as a pancake." "Turn it off, Kinch." "Right." "Well, I guess that takes care of the mission." "Yeah." "Sure does, all right." "Maybe she was in an air raid shelter, Colonel." "Maybe." "You had no choice." "Sure." "( knock at door )" "Put that away." "My congratulations." "You didn't go?" "I never intended to go." "I was suspicious, so I was testing you." "Then you weren't exactly on our side." "I was doing my job." "HOGAN:" "And what's your job right now?" "I've recommended a disaster." "My superiors are looking for me." "They are not tolerant of disasters." "HOGAN:" "You've got a problem." "A man who could arrange the bombing of Zuglitz should be able to get me out of Germany." "This another trap?" "I get out or I die... very unpleasantly." "We'll get you out." "Thank you." "Hogan... why did you let me go?" "I was doing my job." "Hogan, I just don't understand it." "Why do these terrible things keep happening to Germany?" "Just when it seemed that we had the ultimate weapon-- disaster." "Look at this way, Commandant:" "Nothing happened to you." "The Gestapo blamed everything on Colonel Hoffman." "I think she was a double agent." "I never trusted her." "I think, Herr Kommandant," "I should have been given another chance." "After all, even genius is not perfect." "No." "Why do these terrible things happen to us, Hogan?" "Why?" "Why not?" "I believe, Herr Kommandant, that out of every disaster, some good things come, if you look for them." "What are you talking about, Schultz?" "For instance, Herr Kommandant," "I did not realize that you considered me like your own son." "Oh, what a joyful surprise." "What's losing a ball bearing plant alongside of gaining a son?" "And I will continue, Herr Kommandant, in every way, to live up to your love and to your..." "Schultz!" "Terrible things are happening to us." "Why?"