"Just leave the keys in it, Stan!" "Right!" "You mssed him, Vonnie." "Ah, well." "Not to worry, Ralph." "I'll get him." "Morning, Ralph." "You should learn to relax, Fred." "I just thought I'd better make sure these silly buggers didn't kill themselves." "Don't pull on it!" "Let go of it, then." "You're doing a great job, mate." "Let me do it." "Do it yourself, then." "Bloody women." "Hey, Vincie." "Yeah." "Bitch!" "You look happy, Vince." "Did you win the lottery?" "Cow." "Vincent." "Hey, Father." "Ooh, Vincent, looks like being a beautiful day." "Yeah." "Ralph?" "G'day, Vincie." "Well, mate, she's really shafted me this time." "Ah, the wife again, eh?" "Ex-wife, as she's only too quick to point out." "Look what I found in my post office box this morning." "Just tell me, mate." "I promsed Dan the Man" "I'd have this fixed by lunchtime." "It's a letter from that shonky city accountant of hers." "I knew they had some scheme going, some ncome average and off-bloody-shore thing." "I don't know;" "I just went along with it." "Now the chickens are comng home to roost, and they owe years in back taxes." "Fantastic, mate." "She had it comng to her." "She has nothing comng to her." "I do." "How come?" "I don't know how they did it." "I just signed whatever they put in front of me." "I mean, she was me wife;" "I trusted her." "Pity she didn't feel the same way about you." "Well, I thought she did when they insisted that all the companies be in my name so on paper, it looks like I've earned all this bloody money." "Well, obviously, you didn't." "No, mate." "She got the money;" "I get the tax." "Now the bloody tax department's comng after me." "Gee, Vincie." "I mean, it wasn't like she didn't do well out of the divorce." "I mean, she took virtually everything with her when she left." "Yeah, but then it was all hers in the first place, wasn't it?" "Well, yeah, but it was a partnership." "She had the capital;" "I provided the professional expertise." "Yeah, well, at least she left you the picture theater." "Yeah, lucky me." "More trouble than it's worth." "Why not sell it, then?" "Sell me theater?" "It's the only bloody thing I've got left in the world." "Won't even have that if I get socked with this tax bill." "I'm not kidding, mate." "Things keep going like this, I won't see the year out." "Join the club." "You're doing okay." "Oh, I got plenty to work on." "But, you know." "Mate, you got to start charging the going rate." "Stop letting people put it on the slate." "We're not the only ones doing it tough, you know." "How's it going?" "Oh, she's done, mate." "The carbie was running a bit lean." "What do I owe you?" "Oh, don't worry about it;" "it only took five mnutes." "Get off me!" "Get off me!" "Can't you two keep your hands off each other?" "Pair of pansies." "I'll drop you around some tomatoes later." "Yeah, mate." "T omatoes." "Can I have your attention, please?" "Mr. Coulston." "Mr. Quirk." "Okay." "Ladies and gentlemen, distinguished guests," "Father Delaney, Counselor Rogers." "Feel free to get on with it, love." "As you are all well-aware, the Firemen's Ball and the St. Patrick's Women's Auxiliary Ball are usually held at different times." "There's a reason for that." "But this year, we've decided to combine the two." "They felt the firies were having too much fun." "So..." "Father Delaney and his Ladies' Commttee will be in charge of organizing the catering." "Does it involve loaves and fishes, Father?" "Mr. Williams." "In the unlikely event that you actually have something worthwhile to add, would you please raise your hand and not just interject?" "Mr. Coulston." "Yourself and the fire brigade will be responsible for ticket production and sales." "Sorry, Faith." "I think Ralph has something to add." "Loser." "Idiot." "You weren't up to your usual form, mate." "Now, is everyone clear as to who's doing what?" "Well, we certainly know who's doing all the talking." "Mr. Hopgood, you and Mr. Williams just make sure you've got the old fire truck right for the night." "No worries, Faith." "You boys are wicked." "I'd better go and milk the moo cows." "Those bawdy calves you gave me are going well, Stan." "Good, good." "You got a show tonight?" "8:000, mate." "Well, have a good one." "Yeah." "Maybe things will look better in the morning." "Yeah, let's hope so." "Morning, Shirley." "Hello, Emily." "See you on Sunday." "It's Nubler." "He just throws the mailbag onto the veranda with no respect at all for the contents." "Here we are, Jack." "That's $6.75, thank you." "Here you go." "I'll keep an eye out." "I might catch him speeding." "3 plus 7, that's 100." "Thanks, love." "Do you want to post that, Father?" "I certainly do, my dear." "By the way, Yvonne," "Gloria Murphy dropped me a line from Paris about her trip." "And she's sending me some holy water from Lourdes," "God bless her soul, for my arthritis." "Do you think you could keep an eye out for it?" "Of course, Father." "I'll be with you in a mnute, Vince." "Oh, no hurry, Vonnie." "Hi, Jack." "Hey, Vince." "Father." "Vincent." "I suppose you'll be putting us to shame at the ball as usual, Father." "Oh, get out, Jack." "It's the only dancing I get these days." "I noticed the banner went up yesterday." "Should bring a few people in." "Hey, Vincie?" "Yeah." "Money's on the counter, Vonnie." "I've got it, Ralph." "I have got it." "Got what?" "The answer." "What's the question?" "You know, me tax problem." "Look at this." "The government's just passed this bill." "Politics." "You know I don't vote." "Yeah, but you do know there's an election this year, right?" "Yeah, I know." "I just don't care." "Yeah, well, it says here this one's going to be a real neck-and-neck race." "Yeah, why would you vote?" "A politician might get in." "Can you just listen?" "They reckon it'll be so close, it'll come down to who can win a majority of the gay vote." "Gay?" "Yeah, shirt lifters, them that bat for the other team, poofters." "Geez, eh?" "I wouldn't have thought there were that many of them." "Apparently enough to swing the vote." "That's why both sides are sucking up to them." "It's all about giving them the same rights as regular married couples." "So what's that got to do with us?" "Well, the opposition..." "Hey, Billy!" "Well, the opposition has promsed to change the tax laws if they get elected, right?" "So the government's just beat 'em to the punch." "Not only did they pass the law;" "they've made it retrospective." "Oh." "Will you run that by me again in English?" "Well, it just means that gay couples can get all the rebates of regular couples, and they can claim them for up to five years back." "If I can go back to an earlier question, what's it got to do with us?" "Mate, if I can get those same tax breaks for the last five years," "I could write off so much tax, I'd be laughing." "Hey, you could even claim me as a dependent." "We'd both come out in front." "But how can we do that?" "Well, it's simple." "We just become gay." "No!" "No, no, no, no." "How many times do I have to tell you?" "We just say we are." "There's no physical." "Hey, Harry." "No." "What's wrong with you, Ralph?" "I mean, this is our big chance to really turn things around for us." "We could split our incomes, claim spouse benefits." "Hey, we could probably even set up a family trust." "You're not listening to me, Vince." "I don't want anyone thinking I'm a poof." "You're on the house here, boys!" "Right ho, mate!" "No, not poofs, mate..." "same-sex couple." "That's what they call it these days." "Same-sex couples." "I don't care what they call it." "I don't want to be one!" "We'd just be pretending, for goodness sake." "What's your problem?" "I just wouldn't feel comfortable with it." "I mean, I've got nothing against them personally." "Good luck to them." "But I wouldn't want them near me, much less going around saying I was one." "There's a word for you, Ralph:" "Homophobic." "Yeah?" "Well, there's a word for you too, mate:" "Out of your bloody mnd." "Have you any idea what the reaction would be around here if people thought we were a pair of pansies?" ""Same-sex couple," Ralph." "Take Big Red, for instance." "He'd laugh us out of town." "Not everyone in town is as close-mnded as you and Big Red." "Oh, no?" "Why don't you ask the boys later what they think?" "Don't know any, and I don't care to." "There is Eric, of course." "Yeah, but he's the local hairdresser." "It'd be a worry if he was the barber." "I'd cut me own hair." "You mean you pay to get that done?" "Get stuffed." "They reckon Tom Farquar's eldest is that way inclined." "Yeah?" "Ran off and joined the Australian ballet." "Next thing I hear, he's up in Canberra doing the Nutcracker Suite." "Sounds painful." "How long have we known each other, mate?" "Most of our lives." "And in all that time, have I even been wrong?" "Yeah." "When?" "Karen Stevens." "Karen Stevens?" "That was 300 years ago;" "get over it." "You said she was a walk-up start." "Her father set the bloody greyhounds onto me." "And I still convulse every time I hear a dog bark." "Come on, mate." "I'd do it for you." "Yeah, let everyone think I'm a fairy." "No." "We fill out the forms." "We send them in to Canberra." "They register us as a same-sex couple." "So then we're eligible for the tax cuts." "They think they've got a couple of sure-fire votes." "Everybody's happy." "Yeah, they're happy." "We're gay." "Well, just officially." "You know, some public service dickhead puts it in the computer, and we're eligible for the tax cuts." "End of story." "Mate, I really need you to help me with this." "Please." "Just sign the paper?" "Just sign the paper." "And no one will ever know." "Swear to God." "Sorry, mate." "I just can't do it." "No." "Hello." "Hey, Dad, it's me." "Carla." "How are you, sweetheart?" "I'm great, Dad." "How are you?" "Oh, you know." "Got plenty to keep me out of trouble." "Well, don't work too hard." "You always take on too much." "Gee, love, you're starting to sound like your mum." "Someone's got to look after you now." "Hey, Dad, I'm thinking of comng up on the 21st." "Oh, that'll be great." "You'll be here for the Firemen's Ball." "Um, okay." "I'm bringing Peter to meet you." "Yeah, well, it's about time your old man was introduced." "My thoughts exactly, Dad." "Might even have to give the old overalls a wash, eh?" "No need to go silly." "Actually, we're thinking of moving in together." "Oh, yeah?" "Sounds serious." "Yeah, well, we'll see." "Well, I'll really look forward to that." "Yeah, me too." "Say hello to Vince for me." "I'll see you then, then, Dad." "Love you." "Love you too, sweetheart." "Bye-bye." "Bye." "Good night." "Good night, Vince." "See ya, mate." "Yup." "And no one will ever know." "No one will ever know." "All right, I'll do it." "Oh, mate, I could kiss you." "Just you bloody try." "Ralph, I can't tell you how much this..." "Hey." "I never did really thank you for all you did for us." "You have now." "So I go in this box." "Then you go here." "Just a moment." ""Spouse"?" "Why do I have to be the spouse?" "It's not important." "It is to me." "I don't want to be the spouse." "Makes me sound kind of wussy." "You're supposed to sound wussy." "That's the whole point." "Why can't you be the spouse?" "I'm taller." "Well, if it's such a big issue," "I'll be the spouse." "You can be head of household." "That make you happy?" "Well, happier than being the spouse." "Help me through this." ""Period of cohabitation."" "What?" "How long since we moved in together?" "Well, we want the full five years' back benefits, so six years." "Now, hang on." "Hang on." "When did your mssus shoot through?" "About six years ago." "Perfect." "Yeah, so, what, she left and then, straight away, we move in together?" "What's wrong with that?" "Well, I don't want to look easy." "It looks like I got you on the rebound." "Okay." "So we saw each other on the sly for 12 months before, okay?" "Sounds reasonable." "It means neither of us rushed into anything." "Sometimes I seriously worry about you, Ralphie." ""Address of shared residence."" "My place." "I don't want it going down that I'm living in a projection booth." "Picky." ""Orientation."" "Well, the backyard faces northeast." "Sexual orientation, mate." "Sexual." "Oh." "I'll just put down, "Couple of old up-your..."" "Bloody hell." "Oh, my old mum would spin in her grave if she saw that." "No." ""Private and confidential."" "That means it's privileged information." "Strictly between us and them." "How could anyone around here ever find out?" "Oh, Father." "Top of the morning to you, Ralph." "And the rest of the day to you, Father." "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God." "They're sending a tax investigator to interview us." "They're going to check our claim." "Oh." ""Random testing of applicants."" "Ralph, it's random." "Random, my ass." "With the bloody mess you're in," "I bet you the bloody alarm bells went off the moment you walked in through the door." "Oh, no, this has got nothing to do with my tax problem." "They're just sending out an inspector to check up that we're really gay." "The fact is, Vince, that some ferret from the tax department is going to grill us." "We're going to be up Shit Creek in a matchbox." "Yeah, okay, I will admt we've got a bit of a problem." "Bit of a problem?" "Mate, we have attempted to defraud the authorities." "They're going to hang us up by the balls!" "Unless... we can convince them we're telling the truth." "Vince." "You are not gay." "I am not gay." "Mmm." "This bloke is going to be an expert on gayness." "He's probably done a course on it." "We're done for." "Not necessarily." "I mean, how long can an interview like this last?" "An hour?" "Two, tops." "All we have to do is keep up the act for that long." "What act?" "I don't know how to look gay." "We're just going to have to do a crash course on it." "Plenty of time up our sleeve." "He's not due here till..." "the 21 st." "That's the day of the ball." "Oh, that's just bloody beautiful, that is." "Yeah." "Gives us plenty of time to learn how to act like the real thing." "From who?" "They're not exactly thick on the ground around here, mate." "No, no, no, no, we're going to have to go and see Jack and fess up." "See Jack?" "No way." "Listen;" "I'll come up with something." "Trust me." "I always do." "But no one around here must ever know." "And cakes and biscuits." "That's our department too, Father." "We've already started getting organized." "Haven't we, girls?" "Now, now, ladies." "Let's not get too far ahead of ourselves." "We need it to be fresh on the night." "Oh, it will be." "Well, I think that takes care of everything unless anyone has anything of interest to report." "Yvonne, dear, are you okay?" "Yeah, I'm fine." "Now, you sure?" "Faith, um, can I tell you something?" "Hey, Ralph." "Did you get on to Vonnie back there?" "Couldn't take her eyes off me." "Well, Vince, you are a good-looking man." "Who's what?" "I was just telling Vince he's a good-looking man." "Bye." "Come on." "Father, excuse me." "Can I have a word?" "Of course." "Hello, Faith." "How's the ball comng along?" "Everyone behaving themselves?" "Well, actually..." "I can't believe we're doing this." "I can't believe I never thought of it sooner." "It's all in the mannerisms, you know." "If we can learn half a dozen of those, we'll be on the nose." "There goes Vonnie." "She scrubs up nice." "She fancies me, you know." "I think I'm going to take a little nap." "Nighty night." "Hello, Faith." "Hello, Ivy." "Everything all right?" "Oh, Ivy, you'll never guess what's been going on in this town." "What?" "Oh." "Good-bye, love." "I'll just tell the girls." "Hey, Ralph?" "What size bed do you have?" "Just a single." "I tossed the old double out." "It was buggered." "Well, where am I going to sleep?" "Well, certainly not at my place." "Yeah, but what if the inspector guy checks out your bedroom?" "Well, he won't find you." "That's okay." "I got an old double bed under the theater." "We'll drop it off at your place just so it looks right." "Father." "Nice day for it." "Just remember, boys," "God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve." "Oh, shit, here we go." "Follow him, Ralph." "Now, where the bloody hell is he going out here?" "What do you reckon" "Father Xavier was on about?" "Probably one of them beats, you know?" "It's a special sacred meeting place that only they know about." "Maybe he's been into the altar wine." "There's probably more of them around here than we think." "You know, it takes more than one to tango." "Hang on." "Where's he gone?" "There he is." "Don't tell me Burt Nankuvis has joined the team." "Burt gay?" "Nah, he's a plumber." "So, anyway, I bump into Faith earlier." "She reckons something most unsavory has been goin' on under all our noses." "What?" "Ralph Williams and Vince Hopgood are having a homosexual relationship." "Come again?" "Well, that's what she said." "Straight from the horse's mouth." "Bloody hell." "I used to go camping with those blokes." "Shared a tent." "We all did." "If they're poofers, I'm Nicole Kidman." "What is it with that silly woman?" "Someone needs to have a word with Faith before she spreads that nonsense around." "Well, be my guest." "Oh, shit!" "Well, better go and arrest somebody." "Ooroo." "I was just telling Vince he's a good-looking man." "That's hysterical." "Honestly, you're a couple of sillies." "What on Earth would I do with a... ugh... woman?" "Well, on Tuesday, you did that." "Wednesday, young Mrs. Yellup, I believe." "Thursday, the Crawford girl." "I've gone all hot." "All right, I admt it." "I'm straight." "But look, we can keep this to ourselves, can't we?" "Fellas?" "I'm just curious:" "Why have everyone in town think you're a pillow biter?" "I'm a hairdresser, for fuck's sake." "It's what they expect." "Anyway, it makes them feel comfortable to think I'm one of the girls." "Plus no one suspects you're tomcatting half the wives and daughters around the district." "Yeah, well." "Look, any chance I can buy these photos?" "No." "However, we would be willing to trade them." "Trade them?" "For what?" "First, you have to learn to think gay." "So from now one, it's not "me" or "I."" "No, no, no." "You refer to yourselves as "she" and "her."" "Got it?" "Right." "Secondly, it's all a matter of learning some body language and some gestures." "First and most importantly, the walk." "Now, hold your hand out as if you're being led onto the dance floor by Prince Charmng." "Who?" "Prince Charmng." "Listen to me, please." "Head up, bum out." "Think Marilyn Monroe... crossed with a bit of penguin." "And left shoulder, right shoulder, left shoulder, right shoulder, left shoulder, pivot." "And I hope you were watching, because now it's your turn." "Can you imagine how people around here would react if they thought we were a couple a whoopsies?" ""Same-sex couple," Ralph." "We should show a bit of respect." "I mean, if it hadn't been for the good ol' poofters, we wouldn't be getting this opportunity." "That's it." "Come on, girls." "Put a bit of swish into it." "That's the way." "For goodness sake." "Tummy in." "Head up." "And turn and look." "And, Vince, show Ralphie how to do it, please." "And watch Vince." "Vince is turning." "Turn the body." "Turn the head." "Yes, head-body's fine, but turn your body, then head." "Thank you." "And off you go." "I reckon it's only a matter of time before same-sex marriage is an everyday thing." "Here;" "let me help you, mate." "There you go." "That'd be nice." "We could have a little ceremony." "Nothing flashy, just us and a couple of friends." "Yeah, maybe we could even go on a honeymoon." "Or not." "Up she goes." "The hips." "There he is." "Go get him, tiger." "Okay, and turning." "Pivot." "Thank you very much." "Swish, swish, swish." "Vince, for God's sake, Ralph, come on." "Ooh, there's some dog poo on my shoe." "That's it." "Pivot and... hello, boys." "Okay, and what do you see?" "Uh, a charmng young lady." "Mm-hmm." "And what do you see?" "Some ponce playing a piano." "Mm-hmm." "Now, which one do you find more attractive?" "All right, the ponce." "Oh, no, not Rock." "Don't tell me Rock was." "Gay as a bag of butterflies." "Where have you been hiding for the past couple of decades?" "Yeah, even I heard about him and Gomer Pyle." "Not Gomer Pyle." "Why not?" "Well, he was in the army, for goodness sake." "Well, if it's hot, don't touch it!" "Out of the way, Fred." "What's up, Ralphie?" "My back's still buggered from your bloody bed." "I don't know what you're complaining about;" "I did all the work." "Whoa, oh, when my baby, when my baby smiles at me," "I feel like Tarzan..." "Now, that's one I can understand." "And in bungalow while monkeys play above..." "Well, we won't be doing that." "Hi, Frances." "Oh, hi, Father." "So how are you boys getting on?" "Good afternoon, Father." "Pull the plug, Ralph." "Pull the plug." "Thunk Oh!" "He dropped a dollar." "Oh." "Got it?" "Yeah." "Are you guys okay?" "Oh, yeah." "It's just accounting business." "Just finished." "Good, Vince, good." "Yes." "And ready for the pivot?" "Pivot and look." "Lovely." "Very good." "And what's wrong with Ralphie, hmm?" "She's tired." "Oh, come on, mate." "You were just starting to get really good at it." "She's tired, is she?" "Well, do you know something?" "This is just not working, is it?" "I mean, I know the inspector isn't here for a couple more days, but this is hopeless." "You boys, you need to immerse yourself in the culture." "You need to be where gay rules, were queens abound, where men are men and women are totally superfluous." "You boys need to see what I've seen." "You need to walk the walk and dance the dance, hmm?" "In short, gentlemen, you need to follow the Yellow Brick Road." "Yellow." "Yellow Brick Road." "Where?" "Can't believe." "Take me." "I have no choice." "Take me." "You will understand." "Take me." "I'll do what I gotta do." "Suit up." "Can't believe." "I can't believe what I'm about to do." "Hey, fellows..." "Yeah, right, mate." "Crikey." "I have no choice." "I can't believe what I'm about to do, but I can't get caught." "See, I have no choice." "Gotta pay my dues." "All eyes on me, but mne's on you." "Who'd have thought that lies and truth would team up?" "Take me by surprise, you will not." "I'll do what I gotta do." "Suit up." "Vince." "Huh?" "We're supposed to be gay, remember?" "What was that?" "I don't know, but you keep your eye on him, and I'll go grab a stick." "It's right around here somewhere." "What about down there?" "I don't know." "We'll give it a try." "Okay, this'll be no big deal." "We'll just go in, bite the froth off a couple of beers, observe a bit of the culture." "Then we'll be done." "There." "Are you sure this is the place?" "Oh, yeah, this is the place." "Hey, listen up, ladies," "I think your dates have just arrived." "Hubba hubba." "So what do we think?" "Well, I think good luck, be careful, and I'll see you back in Yack." "Nah." "Come on, mate." "It's not like they're going to try and jump on us or anything." "I mean, look at us." "We're not exactly supermodels." "T o them, we're just a couple of old rough scrubbers." "Especially you." "I'll tell you what." "I think we're going to have to go shopping." "Shopping?" "Shopping?" "You look gorgeous." "Yeah." "Are you sure this is what they're all wearing?" "Absolutely." "Move around." "Move around." "A bit snug." "Hey, Ralph." "How do I look?" "Like two pound of sausages in a one-pound bag." "They're supposed to be tight." "Aren't they?" "Oh, yes, that's right, doll." "You look great." "Yeah, well, all right, then." "Now let's have a look at you," "Mrs. Fancy Pants." "You look divine." "They seem to fit very well." "Yeah, turn around." "No." "Come on, mate." "Turn around." "No." "Ralphie, come on." "Turn around." "No." "Perhaps I could find a pair with the bum still in them." "That might help." "Yeah, yeah, that'd be lovely." "Thank you." "I'll tell you when you can get in, okay?" "If I'd known it would come to this..." "What, you got yourself a whole new outfit, and you're still not happy." "Imagine what the mob back in Yackandandah would say." "Mate, don't even joke about that." "You standing there like fourpence worth of God-help-us." "It's a pity that fellow couldn't find you the other pair of pants." "What's wrong with these, mate?" "Ralphie." "I'm all for looking up old friends, but that's ridiculous." "Boys." "Hi." "In you go." "Nice hair, doll." "Thanks, mate." "Here comes the 21st century." "Here comes the 21 st century." "It's gonna be much better for a girl like me." "For a girl like me, for a girl like me." "It's gonna be much better for a girl like me, for a girl like me." "I want that man." "I want that man." "I want that man." "Yeah, I need a drink." "Are you going to leave me?" "...21 st century." "It's gonna be much better for a girl like me." "Oh, don't worry about it, darlin'." "Little Timmy's going to look after you." "I want that man." "I want that man." "Hey!" "I wanna dance with Harry Dean, drive through Texas in a black limousine." "I want a piece of heaven 'fore I die." "I want a pair of pink high heels that catch the lights up on the Ferris wheel." "But what I really want, I just can't buy." "Here comes the 21st century." "It's gonna be much better for a girl like me." "'Cause I want everything I can." "Most of all, I want that man." "I want that man." "I wanna move like what's-his-name." "I'll keep the money." "You can have the fame." "Everything that's yours will soon be mne." "Yeah, I wanna be the queen..." "She's good." "Oh, yeah, right." "Spice of somethin' else, huh?" "Got that right." "First time here?" "Yeah, I'm just up from the country." "Um... certainly takes all types, doesn't it?" "You've got that right." "Hi, I'm Justin." "Oh, Vince." "Nice to meet ya." "You too." "Hey." "Could I have a couple of cold ones, mate..." "love?" "Nice to meet you, Vince." "Yeah, you too, Justin." "Have a good night." "Same to you." "Ralph." "This here is Laurie, Neil, and Anthony." "G'day." "Everybody, Ralph." "Go on." "Sit, sit, sit." "Just trying to work out where I know you from." "Did we meet at the Old Glory Hole?" "No, I'm pretty sure we didn't." "'99 Mardi Gras." "You were the one in the fig leaf." "No, no, I doubt it." "Ralph is just up from the country." "Yeah?" "You ride?" "Huh?" "Do you have a bike?" "Oh, yeah, yeah, a Malvern Star, you know?" "With the old Sturmey-Archer three speeds?" "Ooh-hoo, how cute." "You blokes ride?" "Yeah, I got a '64 Panther." "Mine's a Ducati." "But I do like Malvern Stars." "I've got an old Indian in the garage at home" "I've been meaning to fix for years." "Anyone we know?" "I'm a mechanic by trade." "Really?" "Well, I have a sick Ducati." "I wonder if you could take a look at it for me." "Oh, yeah, sure." "No worries." "You look like a man who can dance." "Well, actually," "I had samba lessons when I was 15." "It was a great way to rub up against strange women without getting arrested." "Or strange men, rub up against men." "So you swing both ways." "No, to the left, mostly." "Come with me." "Well, I was..." "Come with me." "Ralph?" "I really appreciate this, you know?" "No worries." "So, Ralph." "T ell us where you and your friend have been hiding out all this time." "It's a little town called Yackandandah." "You probably haven't heard of it." "The Sleaze Ball." "What?" "Where I saw you before." "Nah." "So when did you two come out, then?" "Today." "On the bus." "Yup, that's it." "Dirty fuel." "Should give it a test, though." "Sure." "You know, I really could have done this on my own, Neil." "And now, for your entertainment, give it up for the luscious, the gorgeous, the breath-taking Monique." "Looking at you, my troubles are fleeing." "I'm admring the view, 'cause it's you I'm seeing." "Now let me get you a drink." "What will it be?" "Just a beer, thanks, Neil." "Heineken, Redback, Steinlager, Coopers?" "As long as it's cold." "Where's your man?" "Oh, haven't got a clue." "Look, don't get me wrong, but you two seem like an odd couple." "Well, we're poofs, aren't we?" "It doesn't get much odder than that." "Hello." "Ralph, what's going on?" "You playing tonight or not?" "Fred." "Uh, listen, mate." "I'm in Sydney." "Sydney?" "Yeah, I'm up here... for a visit." "Oh." "We were expecting you for poker." "You have got to meet Ralph." "She is so crazy." "Geez, mate, I forgot." "She's up from the country with her boyfriend." "Yeah, I'll be back tomorrow." "What's her name, Ralph?" "Sorry, Laurie, what was that?" "I said, what's your boyfriend's name?" "Vince." "What was that about Vince?" "Oh, Vince." "Yeah, he's here." "He's..." "Ooh, careful, love." "Give a girl a hernia." "Who was that, Ralph?" "Listen, Fred, I'm in a bar, mate." "It's very noisy." "I've got to go." "I'll see you tomorrow." "It seems Ralph and Vince are in Sydney." "Really?" "Why would they be in Sydney?" "Must have gone up there for work." "Yeah, yeah, sure, sure." "I think so." "Vince does have a business." "Of course, he's a businessman." "Wears a tie and all." "Probably... gone up there for business." "Definitely." "I went to Sydney for business once." "See?" "It's quite common." "Yeah, of course it is." "Vince is a businessman." "He went up there for business." "Why do you think Ralph went?" "Because... he's a mechanic." "Of course he is." "And a damn good one." "Darling," "life seemed so gray." "I wanted to end it till that wonderful day you started to mend it." "And if you'll only stay, well, then, I'll spend it" "looking at you." "Did you get any compliments on your pants?" "I think my undies frightened them off." "Oh, I didn't expect that." "Oh, neither did I." "First prize, eh?" "We must have been better than I thought we were." "How you guys enjoying the big city?" "Well, to be honest, Laurie, if I hadn't have seen it with my own eyes," "I never would have believed a place like this existed." "Wonderful, isn't it?" "Yeah." "A lot of things have changed in the last 300 years." "Nowadays, it's in to be out." "No one seems to notice anymore." "Oh, yeah?" "You should come down to Yackandandah." "I grew up in the country, and I can tell you, it was not easy." "You guys are heroes." "You know that?" "I mean, you've lived amongst all this prejudice, and here you are, years past your prime, eyes filled with passion that's only for each other." "Yeah, just look at the two of you." "Beautiful." "You know... you make me proud to be a gay man." "T o Ralph and Vince." "T o Ralph and Vince." "T o Ralph and Vince." "Who wants another drink?" "You know, it's funny, mate." "And don't take this the wrong way." "But the worst thing about all this gay business is not that people think I'm gay." "It's that people think I'm going out with you." "Eh?" "Well, no offense, but if I was really gay," "I could do a lot better than you." "Yeah?" "I tell you what." "If I was really gay," "I could do a hell of a lot better than you." "Sorry, mate." "I don't think so." "Oh, yeah," "I'd have good-looking blokes after me, you know," "like movie stars and that." "Like who?" "Oh, Burt Reynolds." "Burt Reynolds isn't gay." "No, but I could probably get him to turn." "You certainly couldn't." "Vince." "Yeah, mate?" "I think it's just as well we're going home today." "Yeah." "Hey, Dad." "You're probably out helping get things ready for the ball tonight." "We're at Jigalong, and Pete's just filling up the car." "Just rang to see if you needed us to bring a chicken or anything for tea." "But you're not home, so we'll sort it out when we get there." "Okay, see you soon, Dad." "Bye." "Vince?" "There was a gentleman here today asking where you boys were earlier." "Really?" "Yeah, he said he was a bit early, and I had no idea where you were, but he said he'd be back." "Oh, here he comes now." "Um, Vonnie." "Mm-hmm." "Me and Ralph are in a big hurry." "Can you do us a really big favor?" "Yeah." "Will you just tell this guy to meet us at Ralph's place in, say, half an hour?" "Is everything all right?" "Oh, yeah." "Just a business thing." "Vonnie, thanks." "Oh, Vince." "I'd like to wrap it nice for you." "Oh." "He's here, Ralph." "Who?" "The bloody ferret from the" "Strewth." "You must be the gentleman looking for us." "I'm Vince Hopgood." "Ah." "And this big hunk is Ralph Williams." "And I'm Russell McKenzie." "Russell." "Sorry, sorry to keep you waiting." "We just got off the bus from Sydney." "Didn't know you were going to be here early." "No worries." "Um, could-- could you be a dear and give us 200 mnutes to snip home and take these rags off?" "Of course." "You got the address, then?" "I do." "Splendid." "Lovely day for it." "Super." "What's my favorite color?" "Purple." "It's blue." "Blue." "Little things like that will trip us up." "Sorry, love." "So remember:" "when we first got together," "I chased you, and you played hard to get." "If you say so." "Good." "So how'd you do it?" "Do what?" "How'd you win me over?" "I bought you flowers, took you out to dinner." "Yeah?" "Where?" "I don't know, the pub." "Cheapskate." "That wouldn't win me over." "All right, I took you to that flash restaurant in the Beachworth Motel." "Well, at least that's got a bit of atmosphere." "Yeah, might have even treated you to a naughty weekend." "I don't even want to think about that." "Okay." "What?" "Mate, I don't want to do this any more than you do." "But we got to look like the real McCoy." "Agh." "Relax." "And then:" "No, no, no, no." "I can't do it." "I can't believe you." "You still find all this disgusting, don't you?" "No, I don't." "Yes, you do." "After all we've seen, all the people we've met, you still find homosexuality disgusting." "No, I don't find homosexuality disgusting at all." "I just think it'd be disgusting with you." "Yeah." "All the more reason we have to rehearse." "Come on." "Come here." "Here we go." "Not so bad." "Movin' up." "Now enjoy it." "Big Ralphie smile." "Oh, shit, he's here." "You get the front door." "I'll finish getting changed." "Oh, shit." "He's comng round the back way." "Seems somehow appropriate." "Hi, Dad." "Carla." "Oh." "Uh... this is a bit awkward." "Do you think you could come back a little later?" "See, Vince--Vince and I have got an important business meeting with a bloke, see, in a few mnutes." "So do you reckon you could take Peter for a drive around town or a drink or something?" "Okay." "Is everything all right?" "Oh, fine, fine." "It's just that this bloke is come down from the city especially." "So if you could come back in about an hour, okay?" "Hey, Vince!" "Why is Vince" "I can't talk, love." "I think that's the bloke at the door now." "Look, I'll see you soon." "Bye." "Bye." "Well." "Hello." "Come in." "Come in." "Entrez-vous." "Thank you." "Hey, baby, don't worry about that." "We'll come back in a while." "Oh, okay." "What the hell are you doing?" "I've got to get out of here." "I can't do this." "Can't do what?" "I see you two are film buffs." "Oh, yes, we just adore the cinema." "Of course, it's wonderful owning the local theater." "You can't do what?" "You can't desert me now." "No one was supposed to know." "Now Carla's seen you." "I just had to lie to her, for God's sake, and now I've got some freaking tax inspector sitting in my living room." "Look, I'm sorry about that." "Bullshit, you're sorry." "I was happy to go along with this to help you out, but it's gone too far." "Come on." "We can do this." "Shit." "Cramp, cramp." "Push, push." "Harder, harder!" "You okay in there?" "Uh, we're fine." "Ah!" "Let me stand on it." "On we go." "We can do it; come on." "No, Vince." "You're on your own, mate." "Mate, don't do this to us." "Sorry." "Oh, sorry to keep you waiting, Russell." "Ralph will be joining us in a moment." "He's trying to put an outfit together." "Can I get you something to drink?" "Tea, coffee, something stronger?" "No, I'm fine, thanks, Mr. Hopgood." "Oh, call me Vinnie." "That's... a lovely tie you're wearing, Russell." "Well, thank you." "My favorite color, actually." "Oh, it's Ralph." "Mr. Williams." "It was worth the wait." "Come over here, dear." "Now, well, how can this gorgeous man and I help you, Russell?" "Well, Mr. Hopgood, I have to hand here your application for official recognition of your same-sex union." "Oh, yes, and I just can't tell you how thrilled we are that the government has finally recognized our marriage, as it were." "Well, it's the validity of that marriage, Mr. Hopgood, that I'm here to establish." "Unfortunately, this new law is open to some abuse by people with considerable tax debts, for instance." "Needless to say, people caught in the act of participating in such fraudulent activity will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law." "So, now, exactly how did you two good people fall in love?" "Yes." "Well, how does one recall the day, the moment?" "I walked into the garage, and he was standing there in his overalls, screwdriver in his hand and deep in the bowels of a truck engine." "And he looked up, and our eyes met, and in think in that instant, we both knew." "So was there a period of courtship?" "Courtship?" "Oh, I'll give you courtship, Russell." "He pursued me relentlessly." "Didn't you, Ralphie?" "Well, I wouldn't say that." "No, no, look at him." "Buttercup." "He gets embarrassed talking about it." "You see, we were both locals, and growing up, Ralph was this peculiar young man." "Always alone, mysterious." "And you, I mean" "Let me finish, doll." "But once he decided that I was what he wanted, well, then he showered me with gifts." "He sent me flowers and roses." "I sent him a wrench." "Well, before you knew it..." "It wasn't that quick." "And, of course, there was the poetry." "Poetry?" "Oh, yeah." "Beneath this shy exterior," "little Ralphie here is quite the romantic." "Aren't you, sweetie?" "Yeah." "You have any copies of these poems?" "For my files, you understand." "Oh, you know, no idea where they got to." "Hmm." "Uh, but I can still remember the first one." "Really?" "Really?" "Oh, yes." "It went... something like this." "'Vince, Vince," ""you are my prince." ""You came into my life," ""and you haven't left since." ""My love for you" ""will always be true." "Vince, Vince, my handsome prince."" "Charmng." "Thank you." "You devil." "Now, be careful, there, boys." "Oh, hello, Carla." "Hello, Faith." "You don't have your father with you, do you, dear?" "No, I don't." "Sorry." "He's just late with the fire truck;" "that's all." "Oh, right." "Faith, this is Peta." "Lovely to meet you, dear." "Up for the weekend?" "No, just the night, unfortunately." "I had to come and see Dad." "Oh, of course." "It must have been a terrible shock for you, dear." "Sorry?" "Well, when you heard about your father and Vince." "Father and Vince." "Okay, what have they done now?" "Each other, apparently." "And, yes, we just live for the cinema." "And long drives through the country." "And, of course, Ralph just adores the ballet." "The ballet?" "I love the ballet." "Do you have a particular favorite?" "Uh... well, there's-- there are so many of them, aren't there?" "It's--it's really hard to pick just one." "I think, uh, I think I'd have to say..." "The..." "Nutcracker." "Suite." "Nutcracker Suite." "I saw a production of that recently in Canberra." "Really good." "I see from my files that you were both previously heterosexually married." "Have you both always known that you were gay?" "Well, Vince has." "Haven't you, darling?" "Yeah, yeah, when we were younger," "Vince was always hanging around the football club, offering to massage the players." "I don't know if I should be telling you this," "Russell, but our Vincie used to put it about a it." "And behind the wife's back, mnd you." "Well" "No, no, it's my turn." "It's my turn." "Yes, remember that time with that young jackaroo," "Vincie, in the projection box?" "Yes, I walked in unexpectedly." "And, well, I didn't know what to think." "Yes, yes, but he's settled down a lot since those days." "Haven't you, possum, hey, hey, yes?" "Yes, and it's all because of you, buttercup." "Ah!" "Thanks, Stan!" "Just leave 'em right there." "Thanks, mate." "Well." "That about does it for me." "Oh, finished so soon?" "Yes, I'll send in my report." "You'll receive the results by mail." "Oh, splendid." "Oh, one thing." "You must get this sworn affidavit signed and filled in by a local citizen, preferably someone of promnence, somebody who's known you both for more than five years." "Oh, no problem at all, Russell." "We'll have it filled out and sent to you before the week's out." "These are lovely, aren't they?" "Oh, yes, Ralphie grew them for me." "They're his favorite color." "Oh." "Well, one of my favorite colors." "I love anything in the bluey mauvey maroonish spectrum." "Don't I, Ralph?" "Apparently." "Thank you." "Bye." "Bye." "Bye." "Bye." "G'day." "Cheerio." "Bye-bye." "All in all, that went really well." "Oh, yeah, really well." "What about this?" "Oh, well-- we're really late." "And again." "Quick, the door!" "Dad, are you there?" "Yeah, he's gone." "So this is the place where I grew up." "All right!" "You did it, Ralphie." "Right, all now we get to do is get to the hall in one piece and find out if Stan saw anything when he dropped the tomatoes off." "And if he did, I'll come up with an excuse." "Yeah, you'll come up with an excuse." "Like what?" "I'll think of something." "The hand brake." "What a day, hey, Ralphie?" "At least now we can relax among our friends, just be our normal charmng selves." "Hello, everybody!" "Comng through!" "Something yummy!" "Something fruity and full of cream!" "Oh, and a couple of cakes, as well." "God, he's good." "He's better than the real thing." "Oh, there's Stan." "I'm going to go and talk to him." "I'm going to find Carla." "How was Sydney?" "Sydney... was okay." "So why did you go?" "I was" "Was it business?" "Business, yeah, that's it." "Business." "Oh, Stan, when you got a mnute, mate" "Did you get the tomatoes?" "Yeah, yeah, thanks." "Hey, Vonnie." "I really want to thank you for helping us out today." "That's okay, Vince." "No, I really want to thank you-- you know, like, take you out to dinner." "Maybe the little restaurant in the motel up in Beachworth." "Oh, that's very sweet of you, Vince, but it really isn't necessary." "Yes, it is." "What about lunch, then?" "Let me buy you lunch." "Oh, I know: a picnic." "Nice little picnic in the countryside, you and me." "Oh, that's very sweet of you, Vince, but what about Ralph?" "What about Ralph?" "What's it got to do with Ralph?" "Well, he's your-- well, you two are gay." "Aren't you?" "Me gay?" "No, no, no, I'm not gay." "I'm, uh... bisexual, you see." "Oh." "Yeah, I've been my whole life." "Oh, Russell." "Didn't realize you were still in town." "Yes, I've got another interview in the area Monday, so I thought, "What the hell?"" "Stay on, enjoy the ball." "Splendid." "Lot of weirdos in Sydney." "Saw you two together this afternoon." "Didn't want to interrupt." "I know what you two have been up to." "Vince had dragged you into one of his business schemes." "Am I right?" "Yeah, well, I really can't talk about" "Ralph." "Hi, fellas." "What?" "What?" "Oh, sweetheart, look who's here." "Oh, fabulous." "Oh, fuck." "What's he doing here?" "How the hell would I know?" "Maybe he likes to dance." "This is not good, Vince." "I'll tell you what I do know:" "tonight, we're going to be gay." "Bullshit." "Carla's going to be here with her boyfriend." "I'm not going to be anything in front of them." "Need I remnd you, Ralph, that if Russell reports back that we're not gay, we go to jail, pal." "Tax evasion, providing false information, bad taste, God knows what." "Vince, this is the last time" "I ever let you talk me into anything." "Mate, you were great today." "That's why I know we can pull this off tonight." "Come on." "I fare thee well." "I fare thee well." "I fare thee we-e-e-e-ll." "I fare thee well." "I fare thee well." "I fare thee we-e-e-e-ll." "Thank you!" "What would they be talking about?" "He's probably telling them we're gay." "Shit." "Maybe the boys are telling him we're not." "Shit." "Do you expect any more fires this summer?" "Not two years in a row, no." "Ralph and Vince are in the fire brigade." "Really?" "We've got to do something gay." "Okay, boys and girls." "Here's an oldie but a goodie." "They're playing our song." "Dance--you know, like at the club." "Come on." "No bloody way." "My oh me oh." "I go wild, and then I have to do the samba and La Bamba." "Now, I'm not the kind of person with a passionate persuasion for dancin' or romancing'." "But I give in to the rhythm, and my feet follow the beating' of my heart." "Whoa, oh." "When my baby, when my baby smiles at me," "I go to Rio..." "de Janeiro." "I'm a salsa fellow." "When my baby smiles at me, the sun lightens up my life." "And am I free at last." "What a blast." "Yee-ha-hoo!" "Whoa, oh." "When my baby, when my baby smiles at me, I feel like Tarzan of the jungle there on the hot sand and in a bungalow while monkeys play above-a." "We make love-a." "Now, I'm not the type to let vibrations trigger my imagination easily." "You know that's just not me." "I turn into a tiger every time I get beside the one I love." "Your dad's a circus." "Rio, Rio, Rio, hey!" "How about that, ladies and gentlemen?" "Can I swing a shoe or what?" "Carla." ""Rye whiskey, rye whiskey, rye whiskey," I cry." "If I don't get rye whiskey..." "So, Vince." "What the hell was that?" "Well, if whiskey was a river..." "Well, uh, Eric and Ralph and I thought it would be a good idea if we did a dance routine." ""Rye whiskey, rye whiskey, rye whiskey," I cry." "Why?" "If I don't get rye whiskey..." "Entertainment?" "Oh, there's Vonnie." "Vincent." "Faith." "You know, Mr. Hopwood, with moves like those, one could be forgiven for believing... that you and Mr. Williams really were gay." "Vincent, I know everything." "Carla." "Carla." "Where are you off to, sweetheart?" "Dad, what on Earth is going on?" "I come home." "You won't even let me in the house." "I go off around town, and people are saying that you and Vince... are gay." "And then I go home, and the house is completely weird." "Then I come here, and you and Vince are making fools of yourself, and everybody's laughing at you." "Oh, God." "Where do I begin?" "Being gay?" "Well, uh..." "Dad, are you gay?" "Shh!" "Now is not a good time." "Carla." "Dad, I don't want this, you know." "You're my father, for God's sake." "I don't want people" "Iaughing at you." "Sweetie, it's fine." "You don't know what it's like." "Yes, I do." "Your friends making comments behind your back." "And you don't know the crap that gay people go through." "Carla, I do." "Look, sweetheart." "I can't explain what's happening here-- not right now, anyway." "But I know what you're talking about." "I was--I was as guilty of all that business as anybody." "And I know how we all feel about people like that." "People like what?" "Well..." "Hello." "Hi." "Dad, I want you to meet Peta." "It's nice to meet you." "Yeah." "Ralph, we got to talk." "What?" "Hi, Carla." "Wait;" "I'll be back." "So where's the boyfriend?" "This better be important." "Oh, it is." "It's important." "Faith knows." "The whole bloody town knows." "No, no, no, she knows everything." "I don't know how she does, but she does." "I've got to talk to Carla." "No, mate, we can get through this." "Vince, we're fucked." "Now, look, I'll keep Faith away from Russell." "You come up with an excuse for the dancing." "The ball will be finished, and then we're done." "We're fucked." "Well, that's the tightest box I've been jammed into for years." "Gentlemen," "let's go find ourselves some farm boys." "You two gorgeous men couldn't tell me where I could find Ralph and Vince, could you?" "I think they're in there." "Dad?" "Just give me five mnutes, okay?" "Five mnutes." "There's Vince!" "Vincent, pretty little man." "Look who's here." "Excuse me." "Excuse me, everyone." "Can I have your attention for a mnute?" "Uh... now, I know some of you are wondering what's going on." "And others have probably made up their mnds already." "But for starters," "I'd like you to welcome some friends ofVince and mne from Sydney." "G'day." "They're all wonderful people who I know you're going to love when you get to know 'em." "Okay." "Now, I understand there's been a bit of speculation around town about Vince Hopgood and myself." "Well, it's nobody's business but ours, what goes on between Vince and I." "We've been mates since we were kids." "Most of you have known us all your lives." "Crikey, we've lived and worked amongst you for years." "That's what you should be judging us by, not about what may or may not happen between us in private." "Vince has been part of every important event in my life." "He was my best man." "He was there when my daughter was born... and when my wife, Helen, passed away." "He was a tower of strength to me." "See, it doesn't matter who you are;" "if you have one real friend in this life, one person you can truly trust, then you're very lucky indeed." "Vince Hopgood has been the best mate a man could have." "And, yes, for anyone out there who's interested," "I love him." "I'm not ashamed to admt it." "Did you just grab my ass?" "Yeah, well," "I'm only human." "I never thought for one moment they were gay." "Nah, not a chance." "Mateship's a wonderful thing." "Ladies and gentlemen, take your partners for the ladies' choice." "Oh, gee." "My oh gee." "Well, yeah, oh, gee." "Why I love that girl." "Father, could I have the pleasure of this dance?" "Just kidding." "Oh, hold me, baby, squeeze me." "Never let me go." "Oh, I'm not taking chances." "I don't know what's going on with you and Vince," "Dad, but you're amazing." "Hey." "I love you, sweetheart." "I love you, Dad." "Oh." "Do you mnd if I dance with this girl?" "Be my guest." "But save a dance for me." "Both of you." "So where's the boyfriend?" "Mm-hmm." "Ah." "Oh." "Ah!" "Ha ha!" "Gentlemen." "Oh, Russell." "Russell." "Now, I'm going to be brutally honest with you guys." "After our meeting today," "I have to say I was convinced that you two were nothing more than a pair of crimnal jokers." "Really?" "Who deserve the full weight of the law thrown at them." "But tonight, I witnessed something quite special:" "what appeared to be an honesty and a tolerance that, sadly, is very rarely displayed these days." "And then Faith came and talked with me." "And, well, after what she said," "I don't believe I'm likely to encounter a tighter bond or a stronger love between two men for many a day to come." "So listen." "Just stop the silly charades, eh?" "Care for each other." "If more people in the world did that, well, the world would be a far sweeter place, don't you think?" "Thank you, Russell." "And, Mr. Hopwood, in future, get yourself a bloody good accountant." "And good luck to the both of yous." "Thanks, mate." "Hello, boys." "Having a fun evening?" "Faith?" "Why?" "Well, no one likes the tax department." "Oh!" "Mr. Williams, one thing." "My car needs a couple of things doing to it." "Would that be possible?" "Oh, of course, Faith." "Just drop it in." "Be my pleasure." "And, Mr. Hopgood." "I've heard a whisper that some of the city cinemas have got a thing called a gold pass." "Do you have those sort of things?" "I'll make you one, Faith." "Oh, Mr. Hopgood, you spoil me." "She is a piece of work." "Women, mate--they're a different breed of cattle." "In a totally different paddock." "Yeah, well, we got through this." "We'll get through that." "Fabulous!" "I'm not taking chances, because I love her." "Hey, Ralph." "Half the people in town still think I'm gay, right?" "What do you reckon-- Vinnie's Massage Parlor?" "Strictly for women only." "Eric will be furious." "Hey, Vince." "Huh?" "You know, you do have a nice ass." "What, this old thing?" "Why I love that girl." "Love that girl."