"(THUNDER RUMBLING)" "(DOGS BARKING)" "VERNON:" "Hey, slow down, slow down." "Okay, wheel it back up." "Okay." "Here we go." "They're driving me crazy!" "Don't go too fast." "Don't go too fast." "VERNON:" "Ah, come on!" "Shh." "HARVEY:" "Ow!" "VERNON:" "What's the matter?" "HARVEY:" "You threw the cage on my foot!" "VERNON:" "I didn't do that." "HARVEY:" "Yes, you did." "Ow." "I need puppies." "Okay." "All right." "Come on." "Puppies." "(DOGS BARKING)" "(WHIMPERING)" "(WHINING)" "(CHUCKLES)" "Hi there." "Oh, isn't that the sweetest?" "(MOUTHING)" "(WHINING)" "(YELPING)" "Come here." "Hi." "(GROWLING)" "He's cool. (LAUGHS)" "I think he likes us." "Yeah." "(WHIMPERING)" "Oh." "Ah." "(WHINING)" "(CHUCKLES)" "(WHINES)" "What a cute guy." "Isn't he cute?" "(LAUGHS)" "Oh." "(CHUCKLES)" "(WHINING)" "Hi, puppy." "No, absolutely not." "(GROWLS)" "(WHINING)" "(ENGINE REVVING)" "Oh, how big is he gonna be?" "Saint Bernards get to be about 150 pounds." "(BARKS)" "I got a junkyard." "I need a big, mean junkyard dog." "Let me see him." "WOMAN:" "Come here, puppy." "He looks good and mean." "WOMAN:" "I don't know." "He's pretty sweet." "You can make any dog mean." "Eww!" "Damn little beast!" "God!" "(EXHALES SHARPLY)" "You got any pit bulls?" "(WHINING)" "VERNON:" "Come on." "It's a pushover." "I cased the place." "(WHISPERS) What about the cops?" "What about video surveillance?" "You're crazy if you're gonna walk up just like this." "HARVEY:" "What about the alarm?" "(DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE)" "All you gotta do is step over it." "(SCREECHING)" "I got you." "Okay, okay." "Look, I got you." "Okay." "Okay." "There, you see?" "In and out, quiet as a mouse." "Let's get some dogs." "Come on, puppy." "We're just going for a little car ride." "Oh, look, it's a wee, little one, too." "Come here, you little puppy." "Here we go." "(PUPPY WHIMPERING)" "Come on, puppy." "Here, puppy, nice puppy." "(ALARM RINGING)" "I've stepped in the beam." "(YELPING)" "(SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE)" "Here, puppy, nice puppy." "(BARKING)" "(GROWLING)" "(BARKING)" "See, didn't I tell you?" "Doesn't this beat taking strays off the street?" "You are such a genius!" "Get off!" "(BOTH SCREAMING)" "(CHUCKLES)" "Sorry." "I'm sorry." "I'm just a little bit excited." "That's my very first felony." "I've committed a lot of misdemeanors, but I do believe that was my very first felony." "(BARKING)" "(ALL BARKING)" "Why are they barking?" "They're dogs." "I know they're dogs." "Go in the back and check." "Okay, doggies, what's the racket back..." "Hey!" "Okay, doggies, back in your house." "Back in your house, doggie." "Here, doggie, nice doggie." "No, doggie." "Don't jump." "Bad dog." "Puppy." "Good puppy." "Good..." "Bad puppy, don't jump!" "Good puppy." "Don't jump, puppy." "Come back." "Stop the van!" "(TIRES SCREECH)" "Harv, what is it?" "Why did you want me to stop?" "What's the matter?" "Hurry, they're getting away." "VERNON:" "Hey, you, come back here!" "Come here!" "I'll give you a bone!" "I'll give you a bone!" "Come back here, you little runt!" "Come here, you!" "Ah!" "(GRUNTS)" "(AIR BRAKES HISS)" "(WHINES)" "(MEOWS)" "(MEWS) (YELPS)" "(WHIRRING)" "(COUGHING)" "7:00 a.m. Up and at 'em!" "Mmm." "Ooh." "Oh, Ted, I'm sorry." "Mmm." "What's wrong?" "Did you have another nightmare?" "Yeah." "Mom, it's Saturday and it's 7:02." "Do we really have to get up?" "Yep, you heard your father." "(GROANS)" "(YAWNS) I know, Daddy's rules." "RYCE:" "That's it!" "I'm not gonna take it anymore." "Mom, I have a news flash for you." "It's Saturday!" "ALICE:" "Yeah, I know, honey." "RYCE:" "This sucks!" "RYCE:" "Why do we have to get up so early on a Saturday?" "Ask your father." "Don't say "sucks."" "(SCOFFS)" "The bathroom's mine!" "TED:" "Nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah." "RYCE:" "Shut up!" "Let me in." "RYCE:" "Open up, you little wimp!" "Let me in!" "TED:" "Patience." "RYCE:" "Mom!" "Let me in!" "TED:" "You have no bladder control." "RYCE:" "Wait till I get my hands on you." "Let me in!" "(WHIMPERS)" "(GROWLING)" "A puppy." "Hi." "Mmm. (CHUCKLING)" "(BOTH ARGUING)" "Okay." "All right, guys, do you have to..." "Mom, look, I dreamt I had a puppy, and it came true." "Honey. (LAUGHS)" "Mmm." "I take back almost everything I ever said about you being cold and insensitive." "Dad, I take back anything I ever said about you, too." "Dad, I have everything I ever wanted." "I owe you big time." "Why?" "Daddy, can we call him Fred?" "Let me have him." "It's my turn." "No, it's my turn." "I saw him first!" "I'm gonna have him for five more minutes." "EMILY:" "I saw him first." "We can't have a dog." "We can't have a dog." "Honey, you can't show a child a puppy and then take it away two minutes later." "I didn't show a child a puppy." "It's obviously lost." "You occupy the kids." "I'll run it down to the pound." "Oh, no." "No way." "If the owner doesn't claim it, it'll be destroyed." "If we keep it, the house will be destroyed." "Honey, it's just a dog." "Millions of people have dogs." "Oh, no." "Not people like me." "Dogs sniff." "They lick, they chew." "They drool, they scratch..." "Alice, they have parasites." "Oh, God, yeah." "The kids'll lose interest." "I'll have to care for it." "It'll grow to be enormous." "It'll take over the yard." "The bushes will die." "The lawn will look terrible." "And when the dog finally settles down, it'll die." "Everybody will be so upset, we'll have to go get another puppy." "The whole thing will start all over again." "Do you understand?" "No, honey." "Could you be more specific?" "Alice, I really could use a little support here." "Okay, I'm sorry." "All right." "Hmm." "(BARKING)" "ALICE:" "How should we handle this?" "Go tell the kids." "Come over here." "Come on." "Come over here." "(GROWLING)" "He loves me the most." "Oh..." "Hi, kids." "Hi, Dad." "Daddy, can he sleep in my room?" "No, he's sleeping in my room." "Dream on." "I'm the oldest." "He's sleeping in my room." "He's not sleeping in anyone's room." "(STAMMERS) Now, just listen to me a minute." "We are "people" people here." "We are "goldfish" people." "Uh, we're "ant farm" people." "We're not "dog" people." "Dad, why can't you just give us a chance?" "You're always saying that we have to have responsibility." "RYCE:" "I know." "That's true." "(STAMMERS) It's my decision." "I mean, I've decided." "I knew it." "(WHIMPERS)" "You'd better think of something to name him." "Because when I come home and he destroys my house," "I wanna know what to call him!" "(SCREAMING)" "RYCE:" "Thank you, Dad." "This is temporary." "This is just..." "This is just temporary until we find the owner." "Okay, the dog's name will be..." "What is it?" "What's his name gonna be?" "You can't change it." "That's the rules." "(EMILY PLAYING PIANO)" "Okay." "Emily?" "Did you do your name in a crayon, honey?" "All right. (CHUCKLES)" "Well, I don't think words for parts of the body make very good names, honey." "But he's got one of those." "I looked." "ALICE:" "I'm sure he does, but I don't think that Daddy wants to stand on the front porch at night yelling that out. (GIGGLING)" "But that's what you call Uncle Richard." "ALICE:" "Okay, the dog's name will be..." "You asked for my input." "(WHINING)" "What?" "Nothing." "Let's just call the dog Rover." "Mom, please." "Come on, M.C. Hammer." "Ultimate Warrior." "RYCE:" "M.C. Hammer." "M.C. Hammer?" "No, no, no, no, Rover." "He doesn't like any of those names." "Oh, right." "Like you can really read his mind." "Ryce." "Emily, honey, what does the dog want his name to be?" "You know, this is ridiculous." "It's a dog." "He doesn't have preferences." "You could call him Ding-Dong Head." "He wouldn't know the difference." "Yes, he would!" "He'll tell us what he wants to be called." "(TAPPING KEYS)" "(BARKS)" "(PLAYING PIANO) (BARKING)" "(SYMPHONY PLAYING)" "Beethoven." "RYCE:" "Roll over." "Come on, boy." "Roll over." "(GROWLS)" "(VACUUM WHIRRING)" "(SCREAMS)" "(GROWLS)" "You!" "No, no, no, no!" "No, no, no!" "(SCREAMING)" "GEORGE:" "If this business is gonna grow, we need more money." "They're talking about 25." "I said, "That's not gonna do me any good."" "They said, "No?" I said, "No."" "I mean, if this thing is gonna take off," "I need some capital, not a Band-Aid." "They said, "So what kind of figures are we talking about?"" "I said, "Well, you know, 150 sounds like a good neighborhood to me."" "Did you really say that?" "Yeah." "I mean, you know, this is a business." "What am I gonna do with 25?" "GEORGE:" "Advertising, you know, maybe some signs, but I'm optimistic." "Ted, get down here!" "TED:" "Where's my shoe?" "ALICE:" "I don't know, honey, just backtrack." "TED:" "Mom, please?" "ALICE:" "Look behind the bathroom door." "I caught that look on their faces..." "Daddy?" "What?" "He wants you to scratch his head." "You know, I don't wanna scratch his head." "Back off, back off!" "But he wants you to." "Honey, sometimes we don't get what we want." "That's not the way the world works." "If I don't get this deal, I'll kill myself!" "Honey, come on." "Don't talk like that in front of the kids." "You know, if I can just get them to smell the stuff, because air fresheners are such a visceral product..." "Hey, Dad, I got a great idea." "What?" "Oh, hey, can I have karate lessons?" "You know, I didn't get any bacon." "What do you want karate lessons for?" "Brenda Feinberg, she's littler than me, and she's got a green belt." "Why don't we just skip the lessons and get you the belt?" "(SNIFFING)" "No!" "Come on!" "(ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)" "He slimed me!" "He slobbed!" "Look at this!" "ALICE:" "Don't worry about it." "I've got dog drool on my pants." "I can't meet with Vanguard Capital with dog drool on my pants." "Honey, why don't you just change your pants?" "I'm gonna change my pants, Alice." "But I had a schedule and now it's gone." "I'll never have that schedule again." "Just change your pants, George." "I'm gonna change my pants, Alice." "But if I change my pants, I gotta change my jacket." "If I change my jacket, I gotta change my shirt." "If I change my shirt, I gotta change my tie." "I have to change my belt, I've gotta change my shoes," "I've gotta change my socks." "Just change your pants, George." "(TALKING INDISTINCTLY)" "I don't need you to drool all over me, for God's sakes." "Come on, you're so smart." "What am I telling you about?" "Listen to me talking." "Bye, honey." "Ooh." "Sorry." "Good luck." "A little Kleenex or something." "MAN:" "Hi, puppy." "(WOMEN TALKING INDISTINCTLY)" "MAN:" "Thirsty, huh?" "Easy, buddy." "Save some for the fishes." "(BARKS)" "(BARKS)" "(WHIMPERING)" "(BARKING)" "(BOYS TALKING INDISTINCTLY)" "Look at Tom." "He's wide open." "Shoot it." "Shoot it, man." "Put it up." "Put it up." "This guy's all over me." "Shoot it." "BOY:" "Yeah." "(WHISTLE BLOWS)" "COACH:" "All right, that's it." "Hit the showers." "Lonnie and Logan, give me 10." "Let's go, hustle." "Hustle." "Hi, Mark." "You're sweaty." "You like it?" "(CHUCKLES)" "Air fresheners are the 12th fastest-growing area in all of household hygiene." "Fascinating." "See, all of these use a two-dip process that guarantees a longer smell life." "Here, smell this." "That smell nice?" "Nice smell?" "Mmm." "See, we feel if we get the right amount of capital, we can take this place right to the top." "I don't just mean successful." "I mean dominant." "Here's a favorite." "Here's a favorite." "Look at this." "New leather." "Isn't that cute?" "Oh, that's cute." "I could use that in my beemer." "I could use it in my beemer." "We feel a lot of people could use them in their beemers." "Except I wouldn't want to hang it from my rear-view mirror." "Ew." "Tacky." "Oh, no, no, no." "There's Velcro on the back." "People hide them." "A lot of people just put it under their dashboard." "Ingenious." "Bravo, Newton." "Kudos." "Thank you." "Let's get Ted." "Hey." "Hey, Teddy boy." "Oh, that's a nice lunch you got there." "A veritable nutrition lesson." "Oh, yeah." "And, uh, don't forget to wash it down with a big glass of milk." "(BOYS LAUGHING)" "Oh, man." "See you on the bus." "Hi." "Miss Simpkins made me stay after." "Want a Twinkie?" "Hold on a minute." "Good boy." "See over there?" "That's Donna Ditsworth." "She's the most popular girl in the whole school." "Her hair is perfect." "Her teeth are perfect." "Even Mark thinks she's perfect." "Beethoven!" "(TALKING INDISTINCTLY)" "Hey, check out Fido." "What a cool-looking dog." "I bet you wanna play fetch." "Come on, you gotta give me the stick if you want me to throw it." "Hey, where we going?" "Cool dog." "Cool dog." "Is he yours?" "What's his name?" "Beethoven." "Wow." "Hi, Beethoven." "Hey, Beethoven." "MARK:" "Cool dog." "BOY:" "Good boy." "Well, see you later, Ryce." "Yes!" "He knows my name." "(LAUGHING)" "He knows my name." "No question about it, George." "You've built yourself something pretty impressive here." "Well, thank you." "Thank you very much." "That mean you're interested?" "Absolutely." "We've smelt a lot of stuff, Georgio." "But I think I speak for myself as well as the Brie Meister when I say yours smells the best." "(SCOFFS) That's great." "Thanks a lot." "Thanks a lot." "George, we're gonna crunch some numbers." "And, uh, maybe we can get together later this week." "That would be great." "Thank you." "Okay." "We're looking forward to it." "I'll get it." "Thank you." "Ciao." "(ENGINE STARTS)" "Ciao, George." "Ciao, bello." "Ciao, bello." "BOTH:" "Ciao!" "Ciao." "Ciao." "How you doing, Theodore?" "Nice backpack, Teddy." "Can I see it?" "(RATTLING) Oh!" "(LAUGHS) What's..." "Sorry!" "Ooh." "Why do you guys always pick on me?" "'Cause you're a little four-eyed dork." "Give those back!" "Ooh." "They're mine." "Give them back!" "ALL:" "Ooh." "Where you going, Teddy?" "Yeah, let's go." "Wait up, Theodore." "We wanna walk you home." "(GROWLS)" "(BARKS)" "BOY:" "What are you, a chicken?" "Oh, come on." "Scaredy-cat." "Scared?" "Come on, fight me." "Now he can't even see." "Blind as a bat." "(LAUGHING)" "What's going on here?" "He looks mean." "(GROWLING)" "Yeah." "Give him the glasses." "Sorry." "Sorry." "And don't come back!" "I know it doesn't mean that he likes me, but he's gotta like me better than before he said my name." "You think he could like me, Beethoven?" "(CHUCKLES)" "I know you like me." "(KNOCK ON DOOR)" "Good night, sweetheart." "You, out!" "Good night, Beethoven." "Good night, honey." "Good night, Dad." "Mark." "All right." "You, in here." "In here." "You sleep in here." "I sleep there." "You..." "Oh." "See, that's very nice." "That's very nice." "That's progress." "I appreciate that." "Good night." "Good night." "(SIGHS) Honey, you know, ever since you started looking for investors, you just seem..." "Well, hey, you wanted us to expand." "Well, I want you to be happy." "Yeah, you even said you'd come back to work." "I said I'd give you one wish for your birthday." "Well, I wish you'd come back to work." "George, there's other things that are important." "I like being home when the kids get home from school." "I don't want them to come home to some stranger." "We'll get a great baby-sitter." "We'll get somebody really reliable that the kids will just love." "...in the third such occurrence this month." "In the past year we've seen a 500% increase in the reported incidents of stolen pets." "Police believe an animal kidnapping ring is at work." "That's News Break." "And now back to The Wolfman." "Did you hear something?" "No." "No, I heard something downstairs." "(GROWLS)" "(STAIRS CREAKING)" "(TV POWERS OFF)" "You were right." "The TV was on." "I don't know." "I hope I'm doing the right thing." "I mean, it feels like a good idea to expand but I don't want to do it at everybody's expense." "We have to get somebody wonderful to take care of the kids." "There's no question about that." "Sometimes it's hard to know what the right thing is." "(SNIFFING)" "Boy, no matter how many showers I take," "I still smell Beethoven all over me." "Are you okay?" "You're so quiet." "You're not mad at me, are you?" "(CHUCKLES)" "Aw..." "Oh, baby." "Oh, baby, it's not even Saturday night." "Oh, Alice, you drive me crazy." "Oh." "Has Daddy's little girl been naughty tonight?" "ALICE:" "George?" "Who are you talking to?" "(SCREAMING)" "How dare you?" "Are you crazy?" "Did you think you were gonna get away with it?" "Oh!" "That's how you do it." "I'll put a stop to that." "You've ruined my life." "You've ruined my furniture." "You've ruined my clothes." "My family likes you more than they like me." "Why?" "All you do is drool and shed and eat." "You're never getting out of there again." "Never." "Do we understand each other?" "Do we..." "Ah..." "(BARKS)" "Hey, little buddy." "How you doing?" "Thank you." "Good work." "(DOGS BARKING)" "Vernon." "Come on, Harvey." "Can I tell you something?" "What?" "HARVEY:" "I really don't like it when you tease the dogs." "VERNON:" "What are you, some kind of animal lover?" "MAN:" "We've developed a new type of ammunition." "It explodes on contact." "We'd like you to use this revolver for the tests." "We want to know the extent of the damage at close range." "You want to know how messy it is." "(MAN CHUCKLES)" "I presume you can get dogs with big skulls for the tests." "Newfoundlands, Great Danes, Saint Bernards." "Large dogs are difficult to come by, harder to manage." "I'm sure we'll be able to handle it." "Mr. Newton?" "Yes." "I'm Dr. Varnick." "This must be Beethoven." "Mmm-hmm." "DR. VARNICK:" "Oh..." "He's a magnificent animal." "Magnificent." "Magnificent." "Ah..." "(CHUCKLES)" "In for his shots?" "GEORGE:" "That's right." "Well, he'll be a little groggy this evening." "That'll be nice." "(HUFFS)" "Perhaps you should leave him overnight for observation." "I'd be happy to." "Dad." "It's just a shot." "He'll be okay." "Yeah, come on, Dad, let's take him home." "He's scared and he wants to go home." "Uh, Mr. Newton," "I wonder if I might have a word with you privately." "Sure." "Good dog." "Maggie, take good care of these nice people." "Dad, they aren't gonna hurt Beethoven, are they?" "GEORGE:" "Honey, nothing could hurt Beethoven." "(WHIMPERS)" "Please, sit down." "Mr. Newton, have you, uh..." "Have you noticed anything strange about your dog lately?" "(LAUGHS)" "You know, I mean, he's destroyed my life." "(BOTH LAUGHING)" "I wish I was kidding." "That's very funny." "(CHUCKLES)" "Saint Bernards have been heavily over-bred." "There's been quite a bit written about certain behavioral problems with the breed." "What kind of problems?" "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but I've had to put down several of these animals over the past six months." "They have a tendency to turn on people, attack without provocation." "Now, I only mention this because you have children." "(KIDS LAUGHING)" "(SCREAMING)" "Good boy!" "Good boy!" "(BARKS)" "George, come on." "Beethoven isn't even remotely dangerous." "He'd never hurt the kids." "He might take a bite out of you, though." "First snarl, first any kind of weirdness and he's gone." "Weirdness?" "What should I watch for, honey, his wearing my clothes around the house?" "(BEETHOVEN BARKING) (KIDS SCREAMING)" "He's crazy!" "Good boy!" "Good boy!" "You guys are gonna love Devonia." "Mom, I don't need a baby-sitter." "How come you gotta go back to work, anyway?" "Come on, there's no point in any of us going into this with a bad attitude." "Hi, there, you little cutie." "(CHUCKLES)" "Don't you worry about a thing." "We're gonna get along great." "Right, kids?" "Okay, you guys, I'll be back before dinner, so it's not that long." "Oh, we're gonna do a lot of neat stuff." "I was hoping we could sing a little tune together." "You guys like music?" "RYCE:" "What kind of music?" "How about Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass?" "Oh, sorry." "I am a nut for the disco beat." "Hmm-mmm." "Okay, kids, be good." "(WHINES)" "You've had some time to think and..." "And we made our decision." "We wanna get in bed with Newton Auto Air Fresheners." "Excellent." "That's great." "That's just great." "Thank you very much." "That's great." "As quickly as possible." "We can meet with our lawyers today and have the papers drawn up this afternoon." "Oh, great." "That's excellent." "Excellent." "Let us take you out to dinner." "Huh?" "Are there any good restaurants in this burg?" "Ah..." "Restaurants." "Uh, what?" "Why don't you just come over to our house?" "We can barbecue." "Come to our house." "We'll barbecue." "Barbecue?" "(CHUCKLES)" "Let's live dangerously." "Well, our food may not be great, but it's not dangerous." "I hope it's better than this espresso." "(FORCING LAUGHTER)" "(DEVONIA SINGING)" "Help!" "(BARKING)" "Help, somebody!" "(MUSIC CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY)" "(GASPS)" "(COUGHS)" "(SINGING)" "(GROWLS SOFTLY)" "EMILY:" "I love you, too." "(VOCALIZING)" "Thanks, Beethoven." "You saved my life." "But you'd better go home now." "Mom said to stay in the backyard." "You kids might be interested to know that I am a featured performer" "Saturday nights at the Padded Zebra." "(LAUGHS)" "Oh, my gosh." "Emily's in the pool!" "The pool?" "Emily!" "What are you doing in the pool?" "You're going to get out of there this instant." "You want to get me into trouble?" "Emily, are you all right?" "I fell in. (SOBBING)" "Oh, Emily, you must've been so scared." "I thought I was gonna die." "Oh, you poor little thing." "Now, you were never in any real danger, now, were you?" "Now, we don't want you to get into trouble, so we'll let this be our little secret." "I'd like to call my mother, please." "Your mother?" "Immediately." "She must've snuck out while I was watching Ted and Ryce." "It was hot out, so I guess she wanted to take a little swim." "(SIGHS)" "And where were you while all this was happening?" "I was where I was supposed to be, inside watching the other two." "If Emily had stayed where I put her, none of this would've happened." "If you ask me, what these children need is a little discipline." "What these children need is their mother." "(ENGINE STARTS)" "You're fired." "(GASPS)" "GEORGE:" "Honey, it was an accident." "ALICE:" "So what?" "You can't throw out the option of having a baby-sitter just because we had a bad one." "We'll find somebody really responsible to look after the kids." "Over my dead body." "(EXHALES) Come on." "You know, we're fine on our own." "You don't have to entertain us." "Do you have any kids?" "(CHUCKLES)" "We have a career." "Big one." "Excuse us." "Brats." "Monsters." "If we pull this off, in six months we will own Newton Auto Air Fresheners." "Touch it." "(EXHALES)" "Mmm." "Sorry for the delay." "(STAMMERS) We..." "BRIE:" "No problem." "Vegetables." "Here you go." "Oh, look at that." "Here's the paperwork, Georgio." "I've got my own chair, honey." "GEORGE:" "Uh." "Look at that." "You gonna do that now, honey?" "Alicia." "Alice." "It's Alice." "I'm sorry." "Alice." "Could I have a refill, please?" "ALICE:" "Sure." "Thank you." "Just right down at the bottom there, George." "GEORGE:" "This is everything we've discussed?" "BRAD:" "Oh, yeah, it's exactly..." "BRIE:" "Right there at the bottom, you can sign, George." "BRAD:" "Exactly the same." "Hon, don't sign that now." "Why don't we have a little something to eat and then..." "Alice, tell me about your dog." "Oh, gee, no." "Well, he's a dog." "(CHUCKLES)" "Oh." "He sure is." "Hello, cutesy-ootsy." "He's a Saint Bernard." "He's a purebred Saint Bernard, isn't he?" "Hello." "Oh, look at that big old tongue you've got." "Yes." "Look at that." "Come here." "Oh, yeah." "You wanna come with Mommy and Daddy?" "Yes, you do, don't you?" "Oh, come on." "We'll come to Mommy and Daddy." "Come on." "Come on." "BRIE:" "Oh, I just love these big, dumb animals." "(BRIE CHUCKLES) I bet you do." "Dogs obey so much better than children, don't they?" "Come here." "Oh, hello, cutesy-ootsy-oogy." "Oh, mama just loves this great big doggie-woggie." "Yes!" "(BRIE LAUGHS)" "Georgio, the places for you to sign, yeah, are marked by that blue clip right there." "GEORGE:" "This is all standard stuff, huh?" "Honey, you sure you wanna "signee-wignee" right now?" "I mean, maybe we can..." "Oh." "Alice, I'm sorry." "I've got that." "You be careful." "I don't want you to break a nail." "BRAD:" "So sorry." "Be careful." "Right down there where the blue arrow is." "Right there, George." "Honey, you sit." "I've got this." "You guys don't seem to have made a good impression." "I'm crushed." "Me, too." "I'll cry all night." "I know." "I know." "I don't like them, either." "But these people are real important to Dad's business." "I hope Beethoven slimes that lady's dress." "BRAD:" "But, of course, if you don't want our capital, we could find another investment somewhere else." "Sure." "No, no, no." "Beethoven, come on." "Down, down." "Georgio, is there some problem?" "No, no." "Did I miss anything?" "No, no." "Georgio has just gone over all the papers and he's about to sign." "(BOTH LAUGHING)" "Just standard stuff, really." "It's just the..." "Hey, get out of here, you mutt." "I pitched in college." "(ALL SCREAMING)" "Beethoven, stop!" "Bad dog!" "Sit!" "Stop!" "Stay!" "Oh, no!" "(SCREAMING)" "GEORGE:" "Beethoven!" "(SIGHS)" "I really don't like our dog." "ALICE:" "I really don't like those people, George." "I don't trust them." "I don't want their money." "I know my opinion doesn't matter, but I'm not interested in expanding." "If I had been home instead of helping you impress those morons," "Emily wouldn't have fallen in the pool." "And I'm not re-entering the workforce, George." "You're gonna have to do this on your own." "And you will." "Somehow you'll make your fortune." "And tucked away behind you, deep in the shadows, will be me and the kids." "That's how you see me." "Suddenly I'm a lousy husband and father." "You know, everything was just fine until Beethoven came into our lives." "I've tried to be patient, but I've had it." "The dog has to go." "I'm proud of Beethoven." "Those two idiots insulted your kids, they treated me like dirt." "And he was the only one of us who had the nerve to give them the ride they deserved." "(SIGHS)" "(EXHALES)" "I'm going to bed." "My dream's going down the drain and you're worried about a dog." "Your family's going down the drain and you're worried about a dream." "Oh." "(WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY)" "Why do we gotta be so quiet?" "(SHUSHING)" "(MUFFLED PROTESTING)" "(BARKING)" "You're a big boy." "(CHUCKLING) (GRUNTS)" "(WHIRRING)" "(GRUNTING)" "Sit down." "We made you breakfast, Dad." "Scrambled eggs just the way you like them." "I fed Beethoven." "RYCE:" "And we washed him, too." "You should smell him." "I'm gonna walk Beethoven every day." "We've divided up the dog chores, so that you won't have to do anything for Beethoven from now on." "I see." "Is there anything else you need?" "Anything else at all?" "No, thank you." "I'm fine." "I dropped part of an eggshell in there." "Chew carefully, Dad." "(CHUCKLES)" "TED:" "Okay, okay, fine." "Great, Ryce." "I'm gonna get that thing right there." "Okay?" "That leaf's mine." "I get the next one." "Okay, fine." "Get that question box." "(GAME BEEPING)" "RYCE:" "Be careful with that thing, guys." "Give me five." "Shake." "Ah." "Ah, Mrs. Newton." "Yes." "I'm Dr. Varnick, the veterinarian." "I'm sorry to trouble you, but I wonder if I might come in?" "Well, sure." "Yeah, come on in." "With animals as large as yours," "I like to do a follow-up on rabies shots just to see how he's doing." "I tell you, it's really nice of you to come all the way down here." "No trouble at all." "Here you go." "Thank you." "I'll only be a moment." "Would you like a lemonade or anything?" "Oh, no." "No, no." "I'll be fine." "Thank you." "All right." "Now, Beethoven, how are you doing, eh?" "Looking good." "Looking good." "Beethoven, this is gonna hurt you a lot more than it hurts me." "But it's a great benefit to mankind." "Put some of this here." "TED:" "I'm gonna get all those bones." "RYCE:" "No, I get some." "RYCE:" "You get the next one." "DR. VARNICK:" "Okay, that'll do you." "All right now." "Ah..." "No!" "Emily, what's the matter?" "What's going on?" "Come on, you big stupid mutt." "(GROWLING)" "(BARKING) (SHOUTING)" "Help!" "Help!" "(GROWLING)" "(DR. VARNICK SCREAMING)" "George!" "Oh, my God." "Help, somebody!" "Help!" "(GROWLING)" "Good boy." "Good boy." "Beethoven!" "Beethoven!" "No!" "GEORGE:" "Get off him." "Beethoven!" "Beethoven." "Oh, my gosh, Beethoven!" "Stay there." "TED:" "Why'd he do that?" "(ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)" "Oh, my gosh, look what he did." "Are you all right?" "Well, I don't know." "What happened?" "So sorry." "He just lunged at me." "That's not true." "I saw you." "You hit Beethoven." "Emily, please." "Why would I hit Beethoven?" "I patted him on the head." "It's possible that from a distance the little child..." "Liar!" "Emily!" "Emily!" "I'm sorry." "Everything's all right." "It's perfectly natural the child would want to defend her dog." "Let's call an ambulance." "No, no, no." "I'll take care of it." "DR. VARNICK:" "I'll take care of this myself." "(BARKS)" "I'm terribly sorry." "I mean, he's never done anything like this before." "Once an animal crosses the line and attacks a human being, you can rest assured he'll do it again." "Of course, next time it could be one of your children." "I'm very, very sorry." "Let me help." "Mr. Newton, we have a real problem here." "The law is very clear when it comes to dealing with this kind of thing." "Unless you bring the animal to my office immediately," "I'm afraid I'll be forced to press charges." "Mmm." "I'm so sorry." "(ENGINE STARTS)" "(CHILDREN SOBBING)" "EMILY:" "I don't want anything to happen to Beethoven." "(ALICE SHUSHES)" "Dad won't believe me 'cause he hates Beethoven." "He's always hated Beethoven." "(SOBBING CONTINUES)" "(GROWLING)" "(BARKS)" "Dad has Beethoven." "Wait, wait!" "Stop!" "Stop!" "Stop!" "Daddy!" "(WHIMPERS)" "Wait!" "Wait!" "My dad had to take our dog to the vet to be put down." "I hated him for it." "Now I'm doing it myself." "I know you won't believe me, but I don't wanna do this." "You understand." "It's not your fault." "(MUFFLED BARKING)" "Mr. Newton." "Dr. Varnick." "Uh..." "I know that you're doing the right thing." "I hope so." "Follow me." "(WHISPERS) Come on." "Come on." "How's your arm?" "Oh, it's fine." "Fine." "Thirty-seven stitches." "I'm so sorry." "Do you want the collar and tags?" "Some people like to keep them." "Yeah." "Do you mind?" "I have the bad wing." "Come here." "Come here." "Come here." "(PANTING)" "I'm sorry." "You were my dog, too." "(WHIMPERS)" "Sad state of affairs." "Sad state of affairs." "Come on, boy." "Come on." "Come on, boy." "In you go." "There you go." "All right." "Magnificent." "(WHINES)" "George Newton." "Yeah, look, we're gonna have to charge you for a day's boarding because Jimmy, who handles the lethal injections and disposals, he doesn't work today, so we're gonna have to hold the dog overnight." "So, should we bill you?" "(WHINES)" "Dog killer." "(BARKS) VERNON:" "Nice dog, huh, Doc?" "He's perfect for the animal experiment." "Get everything ready." "I'll be by in the morning." "We'll do the test on him first thing." "All right." "HARVEY:" "Nice doggie, good doggie." "Okay, close the door." "Close the door." "(GROWLING)" "I've got him." "Come on!" "(BARKING)" "Good doggie." "Come here, doggie." "Come on!" "(BARKING)" "Okay, I got him." "Good, good." "I got him." "Come on, doggie." "Not you!" "The dog!" "Not you!" "VERNON:" "Put him in." "Put him in." "Okay, you got him?" "In the cage." "Get in." "(BEETHOVEN BARKING)" "(GROWLING)" "(DOG BARKING) Shut up!" "There." "Doc will work on him first thing in the morning, and then he's one dead puppy." "(PANTING)" "Can we eat?" "Yeah." "You hungry?" "Yeah." "I'm hungry." "VERNON:" "What do you feel like?" "HARVEY:" "A chef's salad." "Did I do the wrong thing?" "I don't know, honey." "(SIGHS)" "Beethoven made this house real." "He put the dents in it." "(SNIFFLES)" "I know he slobbered and he smelled bad, but he loved us." "Even you." "I just hope your motives were pure, and you did this just for the safety of the kids." "Because I really hate to think that we sold Beethoven down the river for a piece of carpet or a chance to sell more air freshener." "Oh, come on." "It had nothing to do with carpet or air freshener." "You saw what he did to the vet." "I know." "Don't even say that." "Yes, but we don't know why he did it." "Maybe the vet didn't hit him, but maybe he handled him too rough or something." "(SIGHS) George, Emily's really sticking to this." "Have we ever known her to attack an adult and accuse them of lying?" "No, but why would a vet say something like that?" "Well, instead of listening to some guy we've met only twice in our lives, maybe we should try listening to our own child." "(SIGHS)" "Honey, please, something doesn't make sense." "Can't we just go down there and talk to him?" "(EXHALES)" "What do you want me to do?" ""Uh, Dr. Varnick, are you sure you didn't hit our dog?"" ""Oh, yes, Mr. Newton, I just remembered, I did hit your dog."" "Come on." "You come on, George." "Please, it would make me feel better." "Let's just go." "(DOOR CREAKS OPEN)" "I'm coming with you." "So am I." "We're all going with you." "(KNOCKING ON DOOR)" "(DOORBELL BUZZING)" "I'm terribly sorry." "We want our dog back!" "Where's Beethoven?" "All right, kids, let Daddy handle this." "Mr. Newton, what can I do for you?" "We want our dog back!" "Oh, I'm terribly sorry." "It's too late." "The dog's been destroyed." "No!" "Dad?" "Now, wait a minute." "Wait a minute." "I was told this wouldn't happen until tomorrow." "I don't believe you." "Come on." "Hey, hey, hey, hey!" "Take your hands off her." "What are you..." "I told you he was lying." "What the hell are you trying to pull?" "Wait, you can't come in here." "This is private property." "Beethoven?" "He's not here." "All right, hold it right there." "No, he's here." "You have no right to be in here." "Out, all of you." "Where's my dog?" "I don't have to answer your questions." "You ordered that dog destroyed, and it was done." "Now get out." "You hit me, I'll have you put in jail for assault and battery." "(SCOFFS)" "(GRUNTS)" "Whoa, Dad." "Honey." "That was amazing." "TED:" "Dad, you were awesome." "You were really cool." "Really, honey, I never found you more attractive." "I may need an x-ray." "He said our dog bit him on the arm." "But he didn't really bite him." "Tell him that." "(SCOFFS)" "There were no bite marks on his arm!" ""So what?" What do you mean, "So what"?" "(MAN TALKING INDISTINCTLY)" "You know, I'd like to file a report on you!" "What, they're not going to help us?" "Not this year." "Shh, Dad, Dr. Varnick." "Look." "(WHISPERS) Let's follow him." "Maybe he'll lead us to Beethoven." "Hold your door." "Hold your door." "Shut it." "(ENGINE REVS) (ENGINE STARTS)" "RYCE:" "Dad, haven't you ever followed anyone?" "Turn off your lights." "I think that's the last of it." "All right, good." "Better start getting the dogs." "The dogs?" "Yeah." "He said we gotta destroy all the evidence." "(DOOR SHUTS) I'm gonna check this out." "It's 9:30." "If I'm not back in 15 minutes, call the police." "Don't come in after me." "(DOGS BARKING)" "Before you destroy the dogs, bring me the Saint Bernard for the ammo test." "(CHUCKLES) Okay." "And bring me a little one for this chemical test." "Sure." "I know just the one." "Hurry up." "(WHINING)" "VERNON:" "Latch." "(GROWLING)" "Congratulations." "You're gonna be a pioneer." "Like Davy Crockett, right?" "Right." "(BOTH LAUGHING) (RATTLING)" "(GROWLING)" "(SCREAMING)" "(GROWLING)" "HARVEY:" "Good doggie!" "Good doggie!" "Good doggie!" "(GROWLING) (SCREAMING)" "Oh, no!" "No, no!" "(GROWLING) (SCREAMING)" "(GROWLING) (SCREAMING)" "I'm saving you." "I'm saving you." "(GRUNTING)" "HARVEY:" "He pushed me on the ground, and I couldn't get up." "(TALKING INDISTINCTLY)" "Emily, come on." "Here, Ryce, take her." "Lock the doors." "If I'm not back in 15..." "I'll be back, all right?" "Lock the doors, you guys." "Lock that one and that one." "(GROWLING) Nice doggie." "We're gonna have a little field test with this new ammo." "So long." "(SCREAMING)" "(GRUNTING)" "(GROANS)" "(WHIMPERS)" "You're a very foolish man, Mr. Newton." "You should've left well enough alone." "(GRUNTS)" "(GROANS IN PAIN)" "(SCREAMING)" "That was a gun!" "Daddy!" "Mom, get over here!" "There's no time." "(SCREAMING)" "(GROWLING)" "(SCREAMING)" "I don't know where." "It's a big thing, a warehouse!" "Buckle up." "RYCE:" "You can't drive." "EMILY:" "You don't even have a driver's license." "We're going in." "EMILY:" "What are you doing?" "I don't know." "It's a... (TIRES SCREECH)" "Ted!" "Ted!" "TED:" "Yoo-hoo!" "(ALL SCREAMING)" "(BARKING)" "(GROWLING) (GROANING)" "(GRUNTS)" "(GROANING)" "Cool." "Dad!" "Oh." "Dad!" "Dad!" "My babies!" "Are you all right?" "Are you all right?" "Beethoven!" "Beethoven!" "GEORGE:" "I love this dog." "What a good doggie." "George!" "George!" "Oh, my God!" "GEORGE:" "Be careful!" "Is everyone alive?" "GEORGE:" "Where were you?" "I was shopping, George!" "I called the police." "I jumped through that thing." "I fell on the guys." "I knocked the guys." "What?" "You're kidding?" "You let Ted drive!" "I didn't let him!" "Don't yell at me!" "I'm not yelling." "I'm sorry." "ALICE:" "I love you, too." "(SIGHS)" "You're free." "You can go home." "You're free." "You're free." "(ALL DOGS BARKING)" "Go, go." "Sick 'em, boys." "(DOGS BARKING)" "(VERNON SCREAMS)" "Help!" "Get out of my way!" "(SCREAMING)" "Oh, my God!" "Out of my way!" "(SCREAMING)" "Come on, Harvey." "Over the fence." "(BOTH SCREAMING GIBBERISH)" "(LAUGHING)" "You thought you could get me, you feebleminded mongrels!" "Stupid, stupid doggies!" "Never!" "You'll never get me!" "(HARVEY AND VERNON LAUGHING)" "Never!" "Stupid, stupid doggies." "Stupid, stupid doggies!" "(LAUGHING CONTINUES)" "Stupid, stupid..." "VERNON:" "You little mangy thing." "And you and you, you little one." "Never!" "Never!" "You little mangy..." "What?" "(GROWLING)" "(SHUDDERS)" "(GROWLING)" "(DOGS BARKING)" "(BOTH SCREAMING)" "The final chapter of a horror story for animal lovers concluded at County Courthouse today." "Ruth Walters has the details." "Animal lovers everywhere cheered today..." "It's us." "...when Dr. Herman Varnick and two associates were indicted on 123 counts of animal abuse." "(ALL BOOING)" "These were scientific investigations!" "(ALL CLAMORING)" "NEWS REPORTER:" "And leading the cheers were the ring's unlikely captors, the Newton family of Valley Vista." "(ALL CHEERING)" "You know, I had no choice but to do what I did, you know." "Beethoven is not just some dog that wandered in off the street." "He's a member of our family and we love him very much." "REPORTER:" "Have you always been a dog lover?" "Uh... (STUTTERS) Maybe not as much as now." "Thank you." "(BARKS)" "This is Ruth Walters reporting from County Courthouse." "(BARKS)" "(KIDS CHEERING)" "Okay, guys." "Let's go to bed." "Oh..." "Do we have to?" "It's been a long day." "TED:" "Man." "You look beautiful." "Good night, Daddy, you're the best." "Good night, honey." "Good night, Dad." "I love you." "Good night, sweetheart." "Say good night to Daddy." "Can I stay up?" "You are up." "Go to sleep." "(PHONE RINGING)" "Hello?" "Yeah." "Oh, yeah." "Hold on one second." "Ryce?" "Who's calling?" "Ryce." "Don't stay on too long." "Okay." "Dad, who is it?" "Uh, somebody who saw you on TV." "Mark something." "(WHISPERS) Mark." "Hello?" "Yeah." "No. (CHUCKLES)" "Really?" "Friday?" "(GIGGLES)" "GEORGE:" "Good night, honey." "Good night." "Sleep tight." "Good night, Beethoven." "Good night, Sparky." "Good night, Mitch." "Good night, Murphy." "Good night, Sally." "Good night, Lacey." "Good night, Fred." "Good night, Al." "Good night, Eliot."