" PREVIOUSLY ON HOT IN CLEVELAND..." " WHAT THE HELL IS ALL THIS STUFF?" " YOU HAD TO DATE A COP, DIDN'T YOU?" "I'M IN FRICKIN' JAIL!" " ELKA, I'M GONNA BE BLUNT." "THE STATE HAS A VERY SOLID CASE AGAINST YOU." " SO YOU WANT ME TO PRETEND TO BE SENILE?" " THIS IS A HEARING TO DETERMINE IF THE DEFENDANT" "IS COMPETENT TO STAND TRIAL." "FOR THE DEFENSE, WE HAVE" "THE VERY CAPABLE KIRK STARK." "GOOD AFTERNOON, COUNSELOR." " GOOD AFTERNOON, JUDGE." " IT IS NOW." " IF I GET AN ALL-FEMALE JURY, I'VE GOT IT MADE." "all: [laughing]" " IN A SITUATION COMEDY THERE ARE TWO SEPARATE," "BUT EQUALLY IMPORTANT STORIES." "THE "A" STORY, WHICH IS ABOUT" "THE COMIC ADVENTURES OF CHARACTERS." "AND THE "B" STORY, WHICH IS THE SAME THING, BUT SHORTER." "THESE ARE THOSE STORIES." " ELKA, HOW YOU DOING?" "YOU NERVOUS?" " I'M TOO SCREWED TO BE NERVOUS." " OH, NOW, COME ON." "LET'S JUST BE POSITIVE." " HOW?" "THEY CAUGHT ME RED-HANDED WITH STOLEN MAFIA LOOT." " TRUE." "BUT YOUR LAWYER IS IRRESISTIBLE TO WOMEN," "AND WE HAVE SIX FEMALE JURORS." "[slams down gavel]" " OKAY, PEOPLE." "WE CONTINUE WITH CASE NUMBER 10421." "THE PEOPLE VS." "ELKA OSTROVSKY." " AND WE KNOW JUDGE LESSER HAS THE HOTS FOR YOUR LAWYER." " EVERYBODY HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND?" "KIRK?" "[gasping]" "OH, NO." "WHAT DID YOU DO TO THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE?" " I TOLD HIM, SOFTBALL IS AN UGLY MAN'S SPORT." " I WAS EXPECTING A BUNT." " WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?" "NOBODY BUNTS IN SOFTBALL." "THIS HAPPENED YESTERDAY?" " THAT'S RIGHT." " I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WERE GOING TO YOUR MOTHER'S HOUSE." "I MEAN, AS SO MANY MEN DO..." "AFTER CHURCH..." "ON SUNDAYS." " MAY I SEE YOU IN CHAMBERS?" "CYNTHIA?" " IT'S "YOUR HONOR."" "AND NO, YOU MAY NOT." "I'M GONNA NEED A MINUTE TO PROCESS ALL THIS." "SO SIT YOUR LYING, HIDEOUS FACE DOWN!" " IT'S ALL OVER." " NO, MAYBE NOT." "CHECK OUT JUROR NUMBER EIGHT." " OH, SURE." "THE NERD." " HAVEN'T YOU SEEN HIM LOOKING AT YOU?" " I HAVE HAD THE FEELING THAT SOMEONE WAS" "MENTALLY UNDRESSING ME." "BUT FOR ME THAT'S NOT UNUSUAL." " WELL, TRUST ME." "IT'S HIM." "SO ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS FLIRT," "AND MAYBE HE'LL FEEL SORRY FOR YOU" "AND VOTE TO ACQUIT." " IT WORKS WITH SPEEDING TICKETS." " REALLY?" "YOU KNOW, I'VE NEVER BEEN PULLED OVER." " BECAUSE GIRLS LIKE YOU DON'T SPEED, DEAR." "BUT GIRLS LIKE ME DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ELSE." " WELL, ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS TURN ONE JUROR." " DONE, AND DONE." "BUTTERSCOTCH, DO YOUR STUFF." " ALL RIGHT." "I'VE MOVED ON." "BUT I AM IN NO MOOD TO PLAY," "SO NOBODY BETTER WASTE MY TIME." "THE CASE OF PEOPLE VS." "ELKA OSTROVSKY" "IS NOW IN SESSION." " THERE." "WHAT DO YOU THINK?" " YOU ARE AMAZING." " I KNOW YOU'RE TALKING TO YOUR REFLECTION." "BUT I'LL TAKE THE COMPLIMENT." " NOW, WHERE ARE MY SMART GLASSES?" " THE ONES WITHOUT THE LENSES?" " YES." " GETTING AN INTERVIEW WITH THE GOVERNOR'S WIFE" "WAS QUITE A COUP FOR ME." "AND I WANT TO LOOK LIKE A SERIOUS JOURNALIST." " WELL, I DON'T THINK SHE'S GONNA BE THAT CHALLENGING." "SHE SEEMS A LITTLE BLONDE TO ME." " YEAH, I SEE WHAT YOU MEAN." " HIGHLIGHTS ON, BUT NOBODY'S HOME." " I'M GONNA SEE IF I CAN GET ANY NEWS ABOUT ELKA'S TRIAL." " HMM." " AH, VICTORIA CHASE." "HEATHER SHAW." " OH, IT'S SO NICE TO MEET YOU." "I'M A BIG FAN OF YOUR HUSBAND'S." "AND YOU MAKE SUCH A HANDSOME COUPLE." " OKAY, LOOK VICKY." "WE CAN DO THIS TWO WAYS." "WE CAN KEEP UP THE GOO-GA-GA," "AND COAST LIKE MERRY IDIOTS," "OR WE CAN GROW A PAIR AND ADMIT IT." "WE'RE BOTH IN THIS TO MANIPULATE" "THE POOR SAPS WE CALL, "THE PEOPLE."" " GO ON." " AMERICA MIGHT NOT KNOW" "ABOUT THE FIRST FAMILY OF OHIO NOW." "BUT IF I GOT ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT, THEY WILL." " WOW." "YOU JUST WANNA BE FAMOUS." "DEAR GOD, I FINALLY UNDERSTAND POLITICS." " WELL, WE'VE GOT A LONG WAYS TO GO." "RIGHT NOW, WE'RE COMPLETELY UNKNOWN OUTSIDE OHIO." "EVEN RIGHT NEXT DOOR TO THAT" "BLEEDING ABSCESS PEOPLE CALL INDIANA." "BUT WHILE CHARLES IS ONLY GOVERNOR NOW" " WHO KNOWS WHERE HE COULD END UP." "IF YOU PLAY HIS CARDS RIGHT." "I MEAN, LOOK AT SARAH PALIN." " NOW THAT WOMAN KNOWS MARKETING." "FAT CHANCE GETTING MY NITWIT OF A TEENAGE DAUGHTER ON" "DANCING WITH THE STARS." " WELL, MAYBE IF SHE GETS PREGNANT." " MM, KNOCK WOOD." " YOU KNOW, I AM NOT WITHOUT AMBITION IN MY FIELD, EITHER." "JUST YESTERDAY, SOMEONE TOLD ME" "THAT I HAD THE LEGS FOR FOX NEWS." " WELL THAT'S ONE OF THE HIGHEST COMPLIMENTS" "YOU CAN GET IN JOURNALISM." " THANK YOU." " SO LET'S USE EACH OTHER TO GET TO THE TOP." " IN HOLLYWOOD, WE CALL THAT FRIENDSHIP." "SO WE ARE CAMPAIGNING AGAINST ILLITERACY, RIGHT?" " OR CHILDHOOD OBESITY." "I'M WAITING TO SEE WHICH ONE POLLS BETTER." "IN FACT, I'M WAITING FOR THE NUMBERS TO GET IN." "LET ME SEE WHAT'S GOING ON." "WHAT'S GOING ON?" " I JUST GOT A BUNCH OF TEXTS FROM MEL." ""ELKA'S ABOUT TO TAKE THE STAND."" ""I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO TEXT IN COURT."" ""HERE COMES THE BAILIFF, HE'S TAKING MY CELL PH--"" "THAT'S THE END OF THE TRANSMISSION." " OH, DAMN." "WELL, THIS STORY BETTER BE GOOD" "IF IT'S MAKING US MISS ALL OF THAT." " THE POLL IS IN." "IT'S CHILDHOOD OBESITY OVER ILLITERACY." "THEY PROBABLY COULDN'T READ THE POLL QUESTION." "TELL THE DUMB KID TO GO HOME AND SEND IN THE FATTY." "HEY, I KNOW YOU." "YOU'RE JOY SCROGGS, THE EYEBROW QUEEN." "YOU DID OPRAH'S ARCH." " I'M NOT AT LIBERTY TO SAY, BUT TRUST ME," "IF I WERE AT LIBERTY TO SAY," "MY ANSWER WOULD CERTAINLY NOT BE," ""I'M NOT AT LIBERTY TO SAY."" " I LIKE THE WAY YOU EVADE." "IT'S NICE, IT'S SEXY." "WOULD YOU BE WILLING TO DO MY HUSBAND'S BROWS?" "OR SHOULD I SAY BROW?" " OH, TRAGEDY." " MM-HMM." "WALKING HAIR BALL." " WELL, IT'S VERY MANLY." " MM-HMM." " OH, LET'S NOT SUGARCOAT IT." "WE'RE NOT GETTING WITHIN 50 MILES OF D.C." "WITH THESE DANDRUFF-CATCHERS ON HIS FOREHEAD." "SO IF YOU'D BE WILLING TO TRIM BACK THESE HEDGES" "YOU CAN NAME YOUR PRICE." " WELL, ACTUALLY, INSTEAD OF MONEY" "I COULD USE SOME HELP." "YOU SEE, I'M HAVING SOME GREEN CARD PROBLEMS" "AND YOUR INFLUENCE" " HEY, BUDDY." "LOOK AT YOU." "[giggling]" "YOU CALL THIS OBESE?" "THIS IS HUSKY AT BEST." "NOW YOU GO FIND ME A FATTER KID OR A SMALLER SHIRT." "NOW." "HAVE YOU SEEN THE BUFFET TABLE?" " PLEASE STATE YOUR NAME." " ELKA OSTROVSKY." "I'M SINGLE." "VERY SINGLE." "A CAPRICORN." "AND I LOVE NIGHTS CURLED UP WITH A BOOK," "AND A SPECIAL SOMEONE." "ACTUALLY, IT WAS MY LATE HUSBAND'S WISHES" "THAT THE STOLEN ITEMS REMAIN HIDDEN." "I'M POWERLESS IN THE PRESENCE OF A REAL MAN." " I USED TO BE, TOO." " MRS. OSTROVSKY, YOU CONTINUED TO HONOR" "YOUR LATE HUSBAND'S WISHES AFTER HIS PASSING?" " OH, YES." "THOSE WERE NOT EASY YEARS." "SO, SO ALONE." "SO IN NEED OF COMFORT." " JUROR NUMBER EIGHT, ARE YOU OKAY?" "YOU SEEM TO BE BREATHING HEAVY." "IT'S CREEPY AND DISTRACTING." " DOING FINE, YOUR HONOR." "JUST FINE." "AND THE WITNESS MAY CONTINUE..." "AS LONG AS SHE LIKES." " WOW, IT SOUNDS LIKE" "THE PROSECUTION HAS A PRETTY STRONG CASE." " WHATEVER." " YOU DON'T SEEM VERY UPSET." " RIGHT?" "I MEAN, THE CASE GOES TO THE JURY TOMORROW." "SHE KEEPS SAYING SHE'S GOT AN ACE UP HER SLEEVE." " NOT AN ACE." "A LETTER." "FROM JUROR NUMBER EIGHT." " "MEET ME IN THE SECOND FLOOR BROOM CLOSET" "TOMORROW BEFORE COURT." "I'LL HAVE MY DRIVER DROP ME OFF A LITTLE EARLY."" " YOUR DRIVER?" "HE SOUNDS RICH." "ON THE OTHER HAND, HOW RICH COULD HE BE" "IF HE COULDN'T GET OFF JURY DUTY?" " YOU'RE SERIOUSLY GOING TO GO" "INTO A BROOM CLOSET WITH A JUROR?" "ISN'T THAT JURY TAMPERING?" " IT IS IF YOU'RE DOING IT RIGHT." " ELKA!" " WHAT?" "FLIRTING WITH THE GUY WAS YOUR IDEA." " YEAH, BUT I MEANT JUST FLIRTING." " AND YOU COULD GET INTO TROUBLE." "I SAY AVOID THE JURY TAMPERING" "AND JUST PRAY FOR A LIGHT SENTENCE." " I DON'T NEED PRAYER." "I'VE GOT MY BROOM CLOSET." " BROOM CLOSET?" "BOTH OF YOU STANDING?" "I OBJECT." "MORALLY AND LOGISTICALLY." " HOW FAR ARE YOU WILLING TO GO?" " OH, PRETTY FAR." "I'M DESPERATE." "ALSO, IT'S BEEN A WHILE." "JUSTICE HAS BEEN SERVICED." " I WONDER HOW LONG THE JURY WILL DELIBERATE." " DOESN'T MATTER TO ME." " DID YOU..." " I MET WITH A CERTAIN JUROR ON A SUBJECT OF MUTUAL INTEREST." " ALL RIGHT, I HAVE IMPORTANT BREAKING NEWS" "AND IT'S NOT EVEN ABOUT ME." " HAVE YOU HEARD SOMETHING ABOUT THE TRIAL?" " IT'S ABOUT JOY." "YOUR THE GOVERNOR'S HOOKER." " WHAT?" " WELL, THERE'S A PICTURE OF YOU ON HIS LAP," "IT'S THE LEAD STORY ON CHANNEL SEVEN'S WEBSITE." " "GOV IN PHOTO SCANDAL WITH MYSTERY STRADDLER?"" " WELL, I HAD TO SIT ON TOP OF HIM FOR LEVERAGE." "I PRACTICALLY NEEDED A CHAIN SAW TO THIN THOSE BROWS," "I HAD TO USE A NUMBER SEVEN TWEEZER." "IF YOU WERE IN THE BUSINESS, YOU'D KNOW HOW EXTREME THAT WAS." "GOD, THIS IS TERRIBLE." "WHAT AM I GONNA DO?" " NO, IT'S OKAY." "IT'S OKAY." "YOU CAN'T SEE YOUR FACE." " OH, IT'S HER ALL RIGHT." "LOOK AT THE HAND." " OH, YEAH." " WHAT ABOUT MY HAND?" " IT LOOKS LIKE A MAN HAND." " NO, IT DOESN'T." "IT'S JUST THE ANGLE OF THE PICTURE." "MY HAND IS FORESHORTENED." " DOES THAT MEAN IT LOOKS LIKE A DUDE'S?" " COME ON." "LOOK AT HER LEGS." "THAT'S OBVIOUSLY NOT A MAN'S LEG." " YES, THOSE BELONG TO A BEAUTIFUL, SEXY WOMAN." " THANK YOU." " WHO WILL REVEAL HER STEAMY AFFAIR WITH THE GOVERNOR" "ON MY SHOW, OH, HI, OHIO." " BUT YOU KNOW I'M JUST PLUCKING HIS EYE BROWS." " WELL, THAT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE." "OH, PLEASE SAY THAT YOU'RE HIS HOOKER." " NO, THEN I'LL NEVER GET MY GREEN CARD." "I'LL GO ON YOUR SHOW AND TELL THE TRUTH." " THE TRUTH?" "WELL, MY VIEWERS DESERVE BETTER THAN THAT." " HASN'T THE GOVERNOR'S OFFICE SAID ANYTHING YET?" " NO, NOT A WORD." "SO I COULD OWN THIS STORY IF YOU'D JUST PLAY BALL." " LIKE A DUDE." " NO, AND THAT'S FINAL." "[slams down gavel]" " LADIES AND GENTLEMEN," "THE JURY HAS REACHED A VERDICT." "WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT LOOKING AT ME?" "THAT MESSED UP FACE IS FREAKING ME OUT." "WE THE JURY FIND THE DEFENDANT, ELKA OSTROVSKY..." " WATCH ME ACT SURPRISED." " GUILTY." " WHAT?" " DEFENDANT WILL REMAIN FREE ON BAIL UNTIL SENTENCING." "AND DEFENSE COUNSEL WILL BE RESPONSIBLE" "FOR ALL ANCILLARY COURT COSTS, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED," "TO THE $800 THE COURT SPENT ON THIS DAMN WEAVE." "[slams down gavel]" " NOW DON'T PANIC." "THE JUDGE STILL HAS A LOT OF DISCRETION" "WHEN IT COMES TO SENTENCING." "NOW IF YOU'LL ALL TESTIFY ON HER BEHALF," "AND I'LL TURN ON THE CHARM." " IS IT POSSIBLE YOUR FACE HAS GOTTEN EVEN LESS ATTRACTIVE?" " IT HAS?" "OH, DAMN." "I THINK I'M HAVING AN ALLERGIC REACTION TO THE SALVE." " ARE YOU..." "CRYING?" " SOME OF IT IS MY STITCHES WEEPING." "BUT..." "YEAH, I AM A LITTLE UPSET." "WOMEN ARE BEING SO MEAN TO ME." "NOBODY'S OPENING A DOOR," "OR HOLDING AN ELEVATOR." "I HAD TO TEAR OPEN MY OWN SUGAR PACKET AT STARBUCK'S!" "I NEED A MOMENT." " WHAT WENT WRONG?" "I THOUGHT YOU TAMPERED WITH JUROR NUMBER EIGHT." " I TAMPERED THE HECK OUT OF HIM." " OH, THERE HE IS NOW." "LET'S GO GET HIM." " YOU!" " I THOUGHT YOU LIKED HER." " WHO?" "HELLO." " SORRY, HE'S HAVING A LITTLE EPISODE." "IT HAPPENS FROM TIME TO TIME." " WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "AN EPISODE?"" " HE SUFFERS FROM A CONDITION CALLED" ""TRANSIENT GLOBAL AMNESIA."" "IF HE GETS OVER STIMULATED" "HE LOSES HIS SHORT-TERM MEMORY FOR A WHILE." "SOMETHING MUST HAVE GOTTEN HIM" "EXCITED THIS MORNING AND TRIGGERED IT." " HE FORGOT EVERYTHING?" " EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED BETWEEN BREAKFAST AND LUNCH." " YOU POOR BOW-TIED SON-OF-A-GUN." "YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU HAD." " HELLO." " YOU COULDN'T SLEEP EITHER?" " MM-MM." "I'M STILL TRYING TO FIGURE OUT" "WHAT I'M GONNA SAY AT ELKA'S SENTENCING HEARING." "I'M SO SCARED FOR HER." " YEAH, ME TOO." "IT'S SO HARD TO BELIEVE THAT" "THEY COULD ACTUALLY SEND HER TO JAIL." " I KNOW." "PRISON." "IT'S HORRIBLE." " WELL, NOT ALWAYS." "ON EDGE OF TOMORROW, WHEN HONOR ST." "RAVEN" "WENT IN FOR DOUBLE-MURDER," "SHE WAS RELEASED AFTER SIX WEEKS" "FOR SAVING THE WARDEN'S CHILDREN FROM AN AXE MURDERESS." "AND NOT ONLY THAT," "SHE EARNED A DEGREE IN ADVANCED BIONICS" "FROM THE YALE UNIVERSITY OF CORRESPONDENCE." "SO SOMETIMES PRISON IS JUST WHAT YOU MAKE OF IT." " ELKA'S GONNA BE THERE MORE THAN SIX WEEKS." " AH, WELL THEN SHE CAN GET TWO DEGREES." "SORRY." "I JOKE WHEN I'M SCARED." "I GUESS I FIGURE THAT IF I ACT AS IF" "IT ISN'T SERIOUS, MAYBE IT WON'T BE." " UNFORTUNATELY, IT IS." " OH." "YOU TOO, HUH?" " I KEEP PICTURING ELKA ALONE IN A COLD, DARK CELL." "BUT THAT IMAGE HAS LOST ITS HAPPY GLOW FOR ME." " YOU KNOW, IF NONE OF US CAN SLEEP" "I BET ELKA'S STILL UP." " HER LIGHT'S STILL ON." " SHE'S PROBABLY GOING CRAZY WITH ANXIETY." "POUR HER A CUP OF TEA, I'LL GO GET HER." " GOD, WHAT A DAY." "ELKA GETTING CONVICTED," "AND YOU LITERALLY MAN-HANDLING THE GOVERNOR." "GOD, I COULD USE THAT AS A LEAD-IN TO MY STORY." " THERE IS NO STORY." "I JUST WISH I COULD GET THE GOVERNOR'S OFFICE" "TO RETURN MY PHONE CALLS" "BEFORE SOMEONE ID'S ME AND I GET DEPORTED." " NOW, SEE, THIS IS WHY YOU HAVE TO STRIKE FIRST." "NOW LET ME GET YOUR STORY OUT." "TELL THE WORLD ABOUT" "THE GOVERNOR'S "SEX FOR AMNESTY" SCHEME." " THERE WAS NO "SEX FOR AMNESTY" SCHEME." "MOSTLY BECAUSE I DIDN'T THINK OF IT FAST ENOUGH." "WHY CAN'T I JUST SAY I WAS PLUCKING HIS BROWS?" " WELL, WHY SAY THAT WHEN I CAN" "TURN YOU INTO SOMETHING MUCH BETTER." "A CELEBRITY VICTIM." "NOW SAY WHAT YOU WILL ABOUT OUR COUNTRY," "BUT WE DO NOT DEPORT OUR CELEBRITIES." "NO, AT WORST, WE EXILE THEM TO REALITY SHOWS." " SHE'S GONE." "ELKA'S GONE." " WELL, WHERE DID SHE GO?" " I DON'T KNOW, BUT SHE'S GONE AND SHE LEFT A NOTE." " WHAT'S IT SAY?" " "I'M GONE."" " THAT'S IT?" " "P.S. SORRY TO GO WITHOUT SAYING GOOD-BYE," "BUT WHEN I REALIZED MY SENTENCE DEPENDED ON" "WHATEVER HALF-BAKED TESTIMONY YOU THREE BIRD-BRAINS COOKED UP," "I DECIDED TO TAKE MY CHANCES AND LIGHT OUT FOR THE TERRITORY." " WHAT'S THAT?" ""LIGHT OUT FOR THE TERRITORY?"" " IT MEANS SHE WENT WEST." ""P.P.S. THERE'S MORE INTERNET PICTURES" "OF THE GOVERNOR GETTING OFF WITH LADY FRENCH FRY."" " OH, MY GOD, NO." " LADY FRENCH FRY." "THAT'S A NEW ONE." " "P.P.P.S. JOY, I MAY NOT SEE YOU AGAIN," ""AND I'VE BEEN SITTING ON "LADY FRENCH FRY" FOR A WEEK." ""I HAD TO GET IT OFF MY CHEST." "IF YOU HAD A CHEST, YOU'D KNOW WHAT I MEAN."" " SHE LOVED TO INSULT MY CHEST." "AND MY HAIR." "AND MY INABILITY TO HOLD ONTO A MAN." "AND MY INTELLIGENCE." "AND MY MORALS." "SHE'S LIKE A MOTHER TO ME." " YOU DON'T THINK SHE'S ACTUALLY GONE WEST, DO YOU?" " WHAT STATE IS WEST OF OHIO?" " I WANNA SAY MARYLAND." " WELL, SHE'S OUT THERE SOMEWHERE," "AND WE HAVE TO FIND HER BEFORE THE POLICE DO." "WHERE WOULD SHE GO TO HIDE OUT?" " IF YOU'RE BACK HERE, WHO'S DRIVING THE WAGON?" " THE HORSE, NATURALLY." "RELAX THYSELF." "SHE KNOWS THE WAY." " SO WHERE WE'RE GOING," "I'M COMPLETELY CUT OFF FROM THE OUTSIDE WORLD?" " INDEED." " WORKS FOR ME."