"♪ Thank you for being a friend" "♪ Traveled down the road and back again" "♪ Your heart is true" "♪ You're a pal and a confidante" "♪ And if you threw a party" "♪ Invited everyone you knew" "♪ You would see the biggest gift would be from me" "♪ And the card attached would say" "♪ "Thank you for being a friend"" "Dorothy, do we know anybody named Cecilia?" "Your cousin, Ma." "She only has weeks to live." "Oh!" "Next time I'll accept the charges." "(phone rings)" "Hello?" "No." "No, we don't have a car for sale." "You must have the wrong number." "Is it a man or a woman?" "A woman, interested in a Mercedes..." "Mm-hm." "Hello." "Sorry, the car's been sold." "Uh-huh." "Blanche, what is this all about?" "I have figured out the most wonderful way to meet men." "Rich, eligible men." "I put an ad in the paper saying I have a Mercedes for sale for a very low price." "You don't have a Mercedes." "But I'm renting one and pretending it's for sale." "All day tomorrow, men are gonna be showing up here for a test drive." "You can tell a lot about a man by how he drives." "You know, that's true." "Sometimes Stan couldn't even get the key in the ignition." "Hi!" "Hi, everybody." "Hi, Miles." "How was your evening?" "It was terrific." "We saw a marvelous production of The Glass Menagerie." "That is one of my favorite plays." "Frankly, I was a little disappointed." "Really?" "When you told me you were taking me to a revival of Tennessee Williams," "I was expecting something more along the lines of a séance." "Rose, I have never met anyone like you." "Check the cornfield on Hee Haw." "Ma, why don't we go, so that Rose and Miles can be alone?" "Why?" "We were here first." "Ma, isn't it time for your medication?" "Oh, good." "I thought my buzz was wearing off." "I really did have a good time tonight." "And don't forget, I'm taking you out tomorrow for your birthday - my treat." "Oh, no!" "Rose, I forgot to tell you." "My daughter Caroline is flying in for my birthday." "Maybe we could all go out to lunch." "I'm very anxious for you two to get together." "Why don't you two come here for lunch?" "I'll cook something special." "That's a great idea." "I loved what you made the last time." "What was it called - gerkinflunken?" "Oh, no, that was my uncle." "The owner of St. Olaf's most famous haberdashery." "He came up with the slogan," ""You don't have to be Amish to look Amish."" "Gosh, I wish I could afford something pretty like this for my potential car buyers, but I'm having those end-of-the-month money problems." "Looking for a loan?" "You've come to the right place." "Why, Sophia!" "How'd you get your hands on that kind of money?" "I'm a graverobber." "What's it to you?" "Morning, Blanche." "Morning, Ma." "Sleep well?" "No." "I had that recurring nightmare - the one where I'm in bed with Warren Beatty and he says," ""Sorry, this is too sick even for me."" "Do we have the ingredients for kerflugenglugen?" "Come on, Rose, get with it." "Do what the rest of us do - buy frozen kerflugenglugen." "Oh, I could never serve store-bought candied herring." "Besides, I have my own special recipe." "I use red-hots for the eyes." "Kill her!" "Kill her now!" "(phone rings) I'll get it." "Hello?" "Well, you are aware that it's a two-seater?" "It's not much of a family car." "Oh?" "!" "How long have you and your wife been practically separated?" "Well, you might as well come over for a look." "How about, say, 12:20?" "Oh, good." "Well, I can't wait for you to get your hands on it either!" "Goodbye." "You're not having company?" "I want everything to go smoothly for Miles and Caroline." "It's a big step, meeting a man's family." "Don't worry." "Men will be over, but they'll be in and out." "Don't say it, Ma." "I have to." "At my age, when you don't say it, it can back up on you and come out some other way." "My first appointment's here, right on time." "I've been out there watching him." "He's been looking at the car and smiling." "I feel just like a fisherman with a new lure." "You catch 'em, you clean 'em!" "Blanche, aren't you embarrassed, going through all this subterfuge to get a man?" "A man?" "I'm planning on getting a six-month supply!" "(doorbell rings)" "Oh, hi." "Blanche?" "James." "I'm here about the car." "Miles?" "No, honey, it's James." "You stay right there and I'll get the keys." "How much mileage has she got on her?" "Let's just say she's been around the block." "Here we go, James." "Let's put the pedal to the metal." "I can't believe anything that beautiful is so cheap." "I'm cramping up!" "Miles?" "No, it wasn't Miles." "We'll let you know when he gets here." "Maybe we need a signal." "How about this" " I yell, "Hey, Rose, Miles is here"?" "Got it." "(doorbell rings)" "Miles?" "Rose!" "You might have forgotten the signal." "I know I did." "Hi." "Delivery for a Sophia Petrillo." "Here's a president you've never seen." "Look what I got, Dorothy - a surprise for you." "Oh!" "Oh." "Oh, look at these watches!" "They must have cost you a fortune." "They did." "Where'd you get the money?" "Is that what you say to someone who bought you a gift?" "Ma, I asked you a question." "I never told you this, Dorothy, but I'm a special friend of Phil Rizzuto." "(doorbell rings)" "Hi, ladies." "Hello, Miles." "I want you to meet my daughter Caroline." "Dorothy." "It's so nice to meet you." "This is Sophia." "Rose, Miles is here!" "Rose, Miles is here!" "Who?" "Hello, Rose!" "Miles?" "Rose, this is Caroline." "Caroline, Rose Nylund." "How do you do?" "I am so glad to finally meet you." "Lunch is all set up out on the lanai." "Your father says you're a classical musician." "What do you play?" "The English horn." "I didn't know horns had nationalities." "But I guess it makes sense." "If jumping beans can be Mexican and fire drills can be Chinese and flies can be Spanish..." "(doorbell rings)" "Hi, I'm here about the car." "Come in." "Have a seat." "Thank you." "How're you doing?" "Blanche is out on a test drive." "Blanche said I was gonna be the first." "She's been using that line for 40 years." "That was fun, James." "We ought to get together again sometime." "I'd like to talk to you about buying the car." "Not now." "I'll get backed up on my appointments." "Are you Thomas?" "I am, here for my test drive." "You don't even have to show him the car." "I'll write you a check." "No, no." "At this price, I know I want the car." "Look, I'm writing out a $5,000 deposit now." "No, I can't do that." "The banks are closed." "I can't be sure it's any good." "You've got an honest face." "I'll cash that check right here." "Ma, can I see you in the kitchen?" "I've got no secrets from these people." "Shady Pines, Ma." "Right behind you." "I think you should take my check..." "Ma, I wanna know, where did you get the money?" "The government has been kinder and gentler by sending me more social security checks than they used to." "The computer made a mistake." "Ma, that money doesn't belong to you." "How much are we talking about?" "Enough to have you rubbed out if you rat on me." "Ma!" "So far, 170 grand." "But I haven't checked today's mail." "It was awfully sweet of you to go to all this trouble, Rose." "This is, uh... delicious." "Mm, even the eyes." "Have you tried those eyes?" "(Miles chokes) Oh, no!" "You ate the tail before we had a chance to make a wish." "Oh, I'm sorry, Rose." "I couldn't help myself - it was all so delicious." "You certainly know the way to a man's heart." "I'll just take these in." "I'll help you." "Who wants birthday cake?" "What's in it?" "It's a secret." "And in some countries, a vaccine." "Listen, I'll give you $20,000 and free root canal work." "You're a dentist!" "I'll tell you what, I'll give you $25,000 and free root canal work." "You're a dentist, too!" "No, but I really want this car." "Mail call!" "Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me." "See ya." "These are all checks from the government?" "No, there's also an application for a gold card." "Boy, word gets around fast!" "I am so happy I finally got the chance to meet you." "I'm happy, too." "Rose..." "I've a feeling you and I are gonna be the best of friends." "There's something we need to talk about." "It's about you and Daddy." "I know it seems like a crazy match - a college professor and a farmer's daughter - but somehow what we have together seems to work." "Rose, it's only been a year since my mother died." "Daddy's still very vulnerable at this point." "I can understand why he reached out for you - you're very warm and very giving." "But he needs time." "So, please, if you really care for my father, the best thing you can do is stay away from him." "Oh, my God, Rose!" "Now I've got three excited men out there - and for the first time in my life it seems like too many." "Your 1:30 appointment just got here, and I think he's interested." "Not another one!" "What am I gonna do?" "Didn't you think this thing through?" "Didn't you think they'd want to buy the car?" "No!" "I assumed once they saw me, they'd forget all about the car." "Well, I'd better do something to get their minds off that car." "Why don't I offer 'em some cake?" "That's Miles' birthday cake." "He'll have other birthdays." "But not with me." "Why?" "What's wrong?" "Caroline told me to stay away from Miles 'cause it's only a year since his wife died." "Oh, Rose, that's terrible." "Well, don't give her any cake." "Rose, those are Caroline's feelings, not Miles' - otherwise, why would he be here?" "I was trying so hard to impress her." "I remember when we had to impress a man's parents, not his children." "Boy, Mother Devereaux was dead set against me marrying George." "She wanted her little boy to marry a virgin." "Hm!" "How did she know you weren't?" "Maybe it was all those "Honk if you've had Blanche" bumper stickers." "Oh!" "(tuts)" "I wish I knew what to do." "I could settle that thing with Miles in one minute." "I can handle men one at a time." "Blanche, could you really do something?" "Sure I could." "If Dorothy will take care of that mess out in the living room." "Now, just a minute." "I have my own problems." "I'm dealing with a mother who stole money from the government." "Come on!" "It's not like I'm an elected official." "Turn her in, Dorothy." "But first, go out there and take care of those men." "I have to take care of my mother." "I can't take care of both Miles and the men." "Dorothy, please do this for Blanche." "For me." "Oh, all right." "I don't want my plan to go to waste." "I still intend to date James and Thomas, so let them down easy." "Frank and Eddie, flush 'em." "Oh, Rose, don't be so upset." "Have you seen the way Miles looks when you tell those St. Olaf stories?" "He looks like he's listening." "There you go!" "(all talk at once)" "Excuse me." "Excuse me, did you happen to see a little old lady go by?" "The one who said, "What are you staring at?" "I can buy you and sell you"?" "Went that way." "(knock at door) Ma?" "Now, look, Ma, we have to talk about the money." "Don't worry, pussycat." "Your sister and brother don't have to know anything about this." "I want you to promise that you'll send this money back to the government." "They're not good with money - they can't handle it." "They spent $400 for a toilet seat!" "You know, Ma, I'm really surprised at you." "When I was a little girl, you told me how much it meant to you when you came here to America for the first time." "Do you remember what you thought of when you first saw the Statue of Liberty holding up her torch of freedom?" "I was amazed." "You see?" "I was amazed that women in this country shaved under their arms." "Ma, you told me how much America meant to you, how wonderful America was, how nice it is to be in a country that doesn't care about soccer." "That money belongs to America." "Ma, you have America's money and you have to give it back." "Dorothy, please..." "You taught me to love this country." "You were the first one to make me feel proud of being an American." "You were the first one who put an American flag in my hand." "Ma, why don't you take a moment and think what America has given you?" "Besides this 170 grand?" "All right." "All right, all right, I'll send it back." "All of it?" "Yes, Ma, all of it." "OK, OK." "I just hope they want it back after an 83-year-old woman rolled around in it naked." "Well, how was lunch?" "I don't know how the woman does it." "The herring was not only delicious, but... it looked happy!" "(Blanche laughs)" "Well, Caroline." "Did you tell your daddy about your little talk with Rose?" "Not yet." "What did I miss?" "I think he has a right to know." "I, uh... told Rose the truth, Daddy." "It's too soon for you to have a relationship." "You what?" "!" "Now wait." "Could I say something?" "You think your daddy has become involved too soon after your poor mother's demise, but, honey, a year is more than respectable." "Why, I've had men call me when their wives were in intensive care." "Granted, these men were not pillars of the community." "Well, he is not ready." "Caroline!" "Caroline, your mother and I were married for 43 years." "They were wonderful years." "I didn't think I'd find someone I'd care about again, but this happens when it happens" " I've got a second chance." "I think it would be nice if you'd be happy for me." "How could he do this?" "He has needs, honey." "All men have needs." "And there are women out there who will to stoop to any means to prey on those needs - including false advertising." "I know, 'cause I've met 'em." "You just thank your lucky stars Rose Nylund is not one of those women." "I never looked at it that way." "Besides, after you get to know Rose, why, you'll you'll..." "Oh, why spoil the surprise?" "(all talk at once) Gentlemen, please!" "You don't seem to understand what I'm trying to tell you - the car is not for sale!" "Why not?" "It's haunted." "Haunted?" "What?" "The car is haunted." "I should know, I rode in it." "You look OK." "I'm 27 years old." "We're not getting anywhere." "Blanche wants James and Thomas." "I'll try to save them." "You go over there with Frick and Frack and try to ditch 'em." "You want me to offend them?" "Pretend they're family." "Look, everybody named after an apostle, come with me." "Excuse me, there was no Eddie." "Have you guys ever heard of Totally Hidden Video?" "Underneath this gray wig is comedian Kaye Ballard." "Thanks for being on our show." "So that's the story." "The car is not available, but Blanche Devereaux is." "I can't believe that I've been hustled!" "Boy, if I wasn't a teacher and accustomed to abuse, I'd leave too!" "Really?" "You know, I'm a teacher myself." "No kidding?" "Say, um... why don't you tell me about this automobile thing again?" "Say... tonight, over dinner?" "Oh, now, Blanche Devereaux is a very charming, attractive woman." "She is." "Shall I pick you up around 7:30?" "I feel terrible about this." "Let's say 8:00." "Here." "Take her someplace decent." "Look, Rose, I made it perfectly clear to Caroline how I feel about you." "Maybe Caroline is right." "Your wife died such a little while ago." "Maybe I am taking advantage of your vulnerability." "Rose, you're a smart woman." "Oh, you are vulnerable!" "Of course I am." "I'm drawn to your beauty, your charm, your unique brand of wisdom." "What about Caroline?" "Oh!" "Caroline doesn't know everything." "You should see the cardigan she got me for my birthday." "She can't even pick out a sweater for me, much less a whole person." "I wish she felt better about us." "She's just gonna have to get used to us." "I'm staying around." "If you'll let me." "Oh, I'll let you." "Rose..." "Not in the kitchen - you'll dry out the cheese!" "See you tonight, Rose." "Goodbye, ladies." "Bye-bye, Miles." "You take care of her." "Blanche, I can't thank you enough." "You're welcome." "Let's get to the important stuff - who am I going out with tonight?" "Well, uh..." "James says he never wants to see you again." "And, uh... the truth is, I'm going out with Thomas tonight." "You're not upset, are you, Blanche?" "Well, no, I'm not upset." "It serves me right." "Hey, matter of fact, take the Mercedes." "Have a good time." "Blanche, that's awfully sweet of you." "You got this coming." "Hello." "I would like to report a stolen Mercedes."