"When you're in prison, nobody trusts you to do the simplest things you used to take for granted." "I don't understand why they're so touchy about us having our own nail clippers." "Yeah, seems kind of silly." "But last year an inmate used a pair to cut off another guy's arm." "Took a week and a half." "Big lawsuit." "Oh, I forgot." "I'm supposed to take you to the warden." "The warden?" "Yeah, I got so caught up watching you cut your nails, I lost track of time." "Do you mind if I tell him we're late 'cause you resisted a little?" " I guess not." " Oh, great." "Thank you so much." "Got make it believable." "No, no, no, don't rub it." "It only makes it worse." "It hurt to get maced in the eyes, but Randy missed me so much, he felt like he'd been maced in the heart." "So hoping to join me in prison, he stole a car." "Oh, my God, I'm stealing a car!" "I'm stealing a car!" "Come and get me!" "Then he waited to get arrested." "And waited and waited." "And after three days, he gave up." "Then Randy had another not so good idea." "Excuse me, officer." "What's the name of that killer that's killing all the people at truck stops?" "The Truck Stop Killer." "Oh, yeah." "That's me." "We already caught that guy." "See that graffiti over there?" "I did that." "Really?" "Hey, that's nice work." "My wife's been looking for somebody to do a mural in the baby's room." "Would you do it for 50 bucks?" "Randy, they're not going to send you to prison for slapping a cop." "And even if they did, you know the odds you'd be sent to the same place as Earl?" "Seven." "Seven what?" "Seven going to prisons?" "That don't even make sense." "Twelve?" "I'm going to bail you out because I promised Earl I'd take care of you, and I'm a woman of integrity." "Just be thankful your brother's in prison for a felony I committed." "My uncle once slapped a cop." "He got 12 years in the penitentiary." "Guess what color he was." "Lucky." "Oh, wait, that's not a color." "As warden," "Jerry Hazelwood was responsible for overseeing the prisoners." "Thing was, he didn't like seeing prisoners." "You wanted to see me..." "Warden?" "Sir?" "Sir, Warden?" "Well, hey, nice work on... helping that camden scout fella make his parole a couple days ago." "As a reward," "I would like to give you a certificate for one week off your prison sentence." "And a coupon for 20% discount at the prison store." "Wow, a week off my sentence." "Plus, I like those coffee mugs they sell." "And I always thought they were about 20% too much." "Well, you were a big help." "Lord knows, I need all the help I can get." "Don't tell anyone, but this being a prison warden, it's hard." "The warden used to have a pretty sweet life." "Then his wife became governor and ruined all his fun." "Jerry and I are honored to be living in the governor's mansion and to be a part of its distinguished history..." "Oh, Jerry." "What?" "I have underwear on." "And so the governor decided to get Jerry a job." "Unfortunately, the first job didn't work out." "Training?" "These guys don't need training." "We're the national guard." "We're never going to fight in a war." "So his wife made him a warden." "But he just kept making mistakes." "Like letting a company hire prison labor to make something that probably shouldn't be made inside a prison." "And there was his mandatory "bring your daughter to work day."" "And I bet with that ladder incident, nobody talks about the 740 inmates that didn't escape." "Oh, I like that." "You're a prison-half-full kind of guy." "Anyway..." "I've got this problem with these two gangs." "It's kind of an ebony-ivory sort of thing." "Only the ivory is a spanish gang, so it's ebony and spanish." "The gangs the warden was talking about had one thing in common." "They hated each other." "So, the warden tried to keep the peace by taking the leader of the latin gang, Hector, and the leader of the black gang, Jamal, and locking them in solitary together for a month." "The warden was a big fan of that TV show The Odd Couple, and thought if it didn't work out, then at least there'd be some laughs." "All right, open it up." "Sure enough, after a month together, they hated each other more than ever and the gang violence continued." "You get these two gangs to stop fighting," "I'm going to give you another certificate." "This time, for one month off your sentence." "A month?" "I'm in." "All right, just a little word of advice." "These fellas can smell fear." "You got to let them know who's boss from Jump Street." "You got to stand taller than they do, you got to speak louder than they do, you got to be tougher than they are, you got..." "The warden was going to give me another certificate for time off my sentence if I could stop the gangs from fighting." "First thing I had to do was figure out what started it." "Balls." "And so I convinced the warden to get another ball." "That way both gangs could play and everyone would be happy." "More balls." "Too many balls." "Hey, Earl." "Your ex-wife and current brother are here to see you." "They, uh, they look mad." "Why can't people just be nice to each other, Ron?" "People need guarding, Earl." "That's all I know about them." "I had to go bail out this dummy and miss my Brazilian wax." "If I go into labor now, I'm gonna be all stubbly on my home video." "I didn't ask you to bail me out." "You could have gone to Brazil if you wanted." "It's so humiliating." "The police thought Randy was my husband." "Although they thought Darnell was my driver that was kind of flattering." "I miss you, Earl." "It's all he ever talks about." "He's making me crazy." "Randy, I miss you, too, but you got to get used to the fact that we can't be together right now." "I brought us a snowball." "We can unscrew it, and I'll eat the top, and you can eat the inside." "Kind of like we used to do when we were... kids." "Oh, God, somebody turned the sprinkler on again." "Shut up!" "You shut up." "Unfortunately, living in the trailer together wasn't any easier for Joy and Randy then living in solitary was for Hector and Jamal." "Knock it off." "Both of you." "Randy," "I want you to look at Joy and find one nice thing to say about her." "Go on." "Well," "I suppose she does have a nice rack." "Was that so hard?" "Now, Joy, you say something nice about Randy." "Well... he has been remembering more to flush the toilet, especially after a big job." " I'm trying" " And I appreciate that." "It was working." "And suddenly, I had an idea." "Ron, I have to see the warden." "What?" "You're leaving?" "What about our snack?" "Sorry, Randy, I'll have to take it with me." "Is that a snowball, Earl?" "Sure is, Ron." "I love snowballs." "Especially the top part." "Really?" "'Cause I only like the insides." "Here you go." "Thank you." "Stupid bad-guy zookeeper is eating my snowball." "The warden was happy to let me use his office to try my experiment." "Mostly 'cause it meant he could leave and go see a movie." "Thanks for agreeing not to kill each other while we try to work this out." "Now, Hector, I want you to say one nice thing about Jamal." "You don't want to be photographed saying something nice about your enemy, is that it?" "Fine." "I'm not giving up on you guys." "We're going to stay here as long as it takes for..." "So... you're kissing." "What's with that?" "I'm not going to lie anymore." "Jamal is my everything." "I can't hear that enough." "Then they explained what really happened in solitary that month." "First, they did fight." "But after a few days they were worn out." "At the beginning, it was awkward." "Eventually they started talking." "And it turned out they had a lot in common." "Both of them didn't like spiders or negative people or being startled while taking drugs." "It sucks." "It does suck." "And a few days later, well, it was a relationship." "You have incredible eyes." "Fierce like an eagle, but soft like a water bed." "Oh, Papi..." "When their time in solitary was up, they knew they'd have to keep their feelings secret so as to not undermine their authority as vicious gang leaders." "Well, I guess this is it then." "I'm sad." "This time together has been so special for me." "I'm sad." "All right, open it up." " I'll see you in my dreams." " I'm sad." "And so they pretended to still hate each other." "They couldn't be together, but they couldn't stand to be apart." "When their longing for one another got too great, well, they got together the only way they could." "I missed you." "Squeeze my buttocks." "So you make your gangs fight just so you can have a few seconds together?" "In fairness, they also enjoy fighting." "You guys should just be honest about how you feel." "You could be prison role models." "We could use more of those." "Or one." "You know what, Hector, I think he's right." "I want to be honest." "I'm sick of living in the shadows." "Puss, we've talked about this." "My gang will never accept you." "So what, I'm not good enough for them?" "You're just not the right color, Jamal." "Plus the gay thing." "They'll think it's icky." "Well, I need more from you than just an occasional punch in the throat." "If I can't have that, then I don't want anything." "Jamal..." "Don't." "But you guys aren't going to fight anymore, right?" "Unfortunately, Jamal felt scorned, and that meant all-out war." "Oh, man, I got a spoon last time." "Hopefully, the guy you're fighting has soup." "Now just so we're clear." "You'll only get a month-off certificate if you increase the peace, not decrease it." " That I could have done on my own." " Sir, I'm doing my best." "Your best has gotten me an infirmary full of stab wound victims, not to mention a guy with a bucket stuck on his head." "They're not sure that thing's ever going to come off, Earl." "Yeah, they're already calling him "bucket head."" "I'll level with you." "I have a fraternity reunion coming up, and if I'm not employed," "Slimecracker and Man-boobs are gonna tease the crap out of me." "I'll fix it." "While things were getting worse in prison, they were finally getting better for Joy and Randy." "Joy, I have a question and Darnell won't help me." "It's a book, Randy." "I know." "I figure the only way I can be with Earl is to try to become a prison guard." "I think it's a dangerous job for him." "I mean, look at his reaction time." "Randy, I'm going to slap you." "He's like a snake in winter." "Is this a full-time job that'll get you out of the house so I don't stare at you sitting on my couch all day like a uncooked biscuit?" "Yes." "And part of what you just said hurt my feelings." "I'm sorry, Randy." "Let me make up for it, by helping you study." "We'll start slow." ""True or false:" "If I was held hostage, I would sue the city."" "False?" "That's right." "If I was going to fix the gang problem, I needed to fix the romance problem." "I started by stealing Jamal's sweaty shirt." "Since Jamal was the one feeling scorned," "I had to get Hector to make the first move." "Lights out." "Next I talked to Homer, who works in the prison laundry." "Other than once killing nine people on a party boat, he's a real nice guy." "Thanks, man." "While Hector was watching Jamal lick his ice cream," "Randy was hoping he could lick his prison guard test." "Then he waited for the results." "Are you Randy Hickey?" "Tell me I didn't get that one wrong." "Mr. Hickey, you scored 55%." "I think I'd like to play the race card." "How do I do that?" "Randy might not have gotten the results he wanted, but it looked like I was starting to get the results I wanted." "I miss Jamal." "Go talk to him." "Tell him you want him back." "And then your gangs can stop fighting." "Nah, I can't go over there." "His people will kill me." "You tell him." "I'll write down what I want you to say." "All right, but... since I have to read this, nothing too embarrassing." ""You're my pouty-lipped he-slut." "My chocolate-covered man Candy."" "You know what, I'm going to just cut to the chase." "Hector's sorry, and he wants you back." "He broke my heart, Earl." "I can never trust him again." "Tell him it's over." "Then kiss him hard for me and squeeze his nipples." "He likes that." "That's all he said?" ""It's over"?" "Yep." "But that's no reason to keep fighting." "These things happen." "Sometimes people just can't be together." "I can't live without him, Earl." "Well, there's times we all have to live without the people we love." "That's what sadness is all about." "Would you want to live in a world without sadness?" "Without sadness, we wouldn't know joy or love and love is what makes life worth..." "Tell Jamal..." "I'll always love him." "Hector, where you going?" "We're all lining up for lunch." "Come on, fish sticks." "It turned out Hector would rather die then live without Jamal." "And seeing that made Jamal realize that he couldn't live without Hector either." "So he tried to get him off the fence." "Jamal's gang assumed he was just beating their sworn enemy as he was being electrocuted, which they thought was cool." "Hector, you crazy fool." "I can't go on without you, Jamal." "Then be with me." "Always." "We'll find a way." "I love you." "And you're the first thing I've ever said that to that I haven't killed." "Yeah!" "Get him!" "Get him!" "Stomp him!" "Get him!" "Oh, my God." "With Hector and Jamal back together," "I convinced the warden to let them use his office once a month to work out the gang's differences, alone and in private." "That sounds like it's gonna be a tough negotiation." "I would not want to be in the middle of those two." "Nope." "'Cause they're definitely fighting in there." "That's-that's what's happening." "Two straight guys fighting." "And with Hector and Jamal able to be together every month, the gang violence stopped and I earned another month off my sentence." "Congratulations, Earl." "So what are you going to do with your five weeks off?" "Well, it's almost two years away, so..." "Fine, don't tell me." "We'll just be work friends." "I get it." "It felt good to see everyone on the yard finally getting along." "It also felt good to realize that no matter how difficult it may be, if two people really want to be together, well, they'll somehow find a way." "Hey, Earl." "Hey, Randy." "Randy?" "!" "I took the guard test and got 55%." "That's the highest score they've had this year." "And my cholesterol tests were off the charts." "Hey, Earl." "Keep walking, Ron."