"Ten o'clock, my lord." " Oh, what's that?" " Ten o'clock, my lord." "Anything wrong, my lord?" "Everything's wrong." " Shellfish again for supper, my lord?" " Mm, what of it?" "You know what they do to your digestion, my lord." "They don't do a thing to my digestion." " No, my lord?" " No." "If you want to know, I had oysters and lobsters and sherry and champagne." "Quite, my lord." "I had dinner and spent the evening with Mr and Mrs Floud." " The Americans, my lord?" " Yes." "They taught me their native game of, um...drawing poker." " Quite a 'orrible experience, my lord." " Yes, it was." "I am putting out your light grey, my lord." "There is something in the air this morning" " which calls for light grey, I think." " Mm, possibly." " What's all this mess?" " I'm packin' up." "We're goin' home, Effie." "I can be pushed just so far and no further." "Egbert, get dressed." "I'm sending you over to fetch Ruggles." "Now look-a-here!" "I ain't gonna have no English valet." " Oh, yes, you are." " No, I ain't." "I got about as much use for one of them as a pig has for side pockets." "I'm going to turn you into a gentleman if it kills me." "Well, you can't do it by hiring' a man to give me a bath and dress me." "I can button myself up." "I been doin' it for years." "You don't seem to realise what this would mean to us socially." " How?" "How socially?" " Why, in Red Gap." "It will give us, er...tone, joie de vivre." "What's that?" "It...um...er...tone." "To have him there." "Havin' who?" "Effie, you ain't aiming' on taking Ruggles to Red Gap?" "I certainly am." "Egbert, get your clothes on." "Now look-a-here, Effie." "I can be pushed just so far and no further." "Egbert." "Get your clothes on." "Well, why?" "Why?" "Uh...why?" "Ruggles, how are you about, er...shocks?" " Shocks, my lord?" " Yes, you know, shocks." "Upheavals." "Er...you've always stood up under them pretty well, haven't you?" " I trust I have, my lord." " Yes, I remember." "You...you were very firm with that Spanish girl." " She was a dancer, wasn't she?" " Quite so, my lord." "Yes, unaccountable number of Spanish dancers in Madrid." "Rather more than in most places we've been, my lord." " Ah, yes." " Rather a pippin, wasn't she?" " Oh, rather, yes." " Prettier than the typist person." "Oh, much, yes." "Yes, I nearly chucked everything and went to...went to America with her." "America would never do for you, my lord." "I don't know." "A lot of opportunities over there, the right kind of fellow." "I..." "You'll do very well for yourself there, I think, Ruggles." "Me, my lord?" "Oh, yes." "Yes, I forgot to tell you." "You're...you're going out to America." "America, my lord?" "A country of slavery." "Oh, that's all finished, I believe." "Some fellow called Pocahontas or something did something about it or...or other." " Indeed, my lord?" " Mm." "Would it be North or South America, my lord?" "Oh." "Oh, North, I think it is." "Somewhere on the West Coast." "Idaho or Omaha, one of those Indian places." " The chap's a sort of a millionaire." " The chap, my lord?" "Yes, plenty of money, you know." "Mines, lumber, domestic animals and that sort of thing." "His wife took quite a fancy to you and, er...so they've... won you." " Won me, my lord?" " Oh, yes." "Yes, yes." "We were playing this game of drawing poker, you see." "It seems there's a thing called bluffing and, though I say it myself, I'm particularly good at it." "Do I understand that I was the stake, my lord?" "Oh, yes, yes." "Rather, yes." "Ha-ha." "Yes." "You see, I didn't realise that they were bluffing too." "I..." "I had three of the eights against a flush of clubs." "So, you really only lost by one eight." " Indeed, my lord?" " Oh, yes." "I do hope you don't think I didn't lose you gamely as a gentleman should, Ruggles." "North America, my lord." "Quite an untamed country, I understand." "Yes, I expect so, yes." "Oh, yes, that must be Mr Floud come to collect you, Ruggles." "Yes." "Yes, thank you, Ruggles." "Come in, sir." "Well, how are you, Mr Ruggles?" "Well, how do?" "Er...good morning, sir." "Won't you be seated, sir?" "Yeah, thanks." "Now, er..." "now look-a-here, Mr Ruggles." "I want you to understand that this wasn't my idea at all, you know." " This was Effie's." " So I understand, sir." "Yes, sir, when she gets her mind set on something, she's a wildcat, believe me." "I have no reason to doubt you, sir." " Well, well, you old tarantula!" " Oh." " Well, how...how you coming?" " Hello, hello, hello, hello." "I..." "I guess you know what I'm here for." "Yes, I do, yes." "Well, I ain't any more joyouser about it than you are." "But...but you know Effie." "Hm." "I tell you, when she gets riled up, she'd fight a rattlesnake and give it the first two bites." "I fancy you'll find Ruggles fairish enough." "Oh, that's all right, Earl." "Your word's good enough for me." "Er...well, I don't want to hurry you there, Bill, but you'd better pack your grip." " Pack my grip, sir?" " Yeah." "Oh, hold on." "Wait a minute." "You ain't got time." "Effie's in a hurry." "You'd better check in first and then pick up your duds later, see?" "Very good, sir." "Is there anything further I can do for you, my lord?" "I fancy not, Ruggles, no." "This is rather sudden, isn't it?" "Well, bound to be sudden, you know, a thing like this, I mean." "I can't help worrying about what will happen to you, my lord." "Oh, Ruggles, don't." "I'll be all right." "Be rather fun dressing myself, I expect." "I hope you will enjoy it, my lord." "Oh, of course I shall." " Your digestive tablets." " Oh, yes." "You ought to take your two." "Yes, well...well, goodbye, Ruggles." "And look after yourself and all that sort of thing." " Yes, my lord." "Thank you, my lord." " Oh, don't thank me." " I ought to thank you, really." " No, my lord." "I am ready, sir." "Eh?" "Oh, yes, yes, sure." "It's kind of sad, ain't it?" "Well, so long, Earl." "Keep your head up." "Goodbye, Floud." "Thank you." "Goodbye, my lord." "He has the worst taste of any man I ever knew." " To the cleaner, madame?" " To the cleaner?" "I want the whole lot taken out and burned." " Burned, madame?" " Burned to ashes." " And then burn the ashes." " Oui, madame." "My husband is to have an entirely new outfit." "Er...will you look at that?" "He liked that so well, he bought two of them." "Even the moths wouldn't eat those." "Come on, Bill, come on, come on." "Stir your stumps." "Hey, hey, hey!" "Where you going with my clothes?" "Well, maybe...maybe she's gonna get 'em pressed." "Well, this is the place." "Here we go." "Here..." "Where are you?" "Where..." " Well, go ahead in." " After you, sir." " Well, go on, go on." " Oh, no, sir." "Er...you're too darned polite." "Effie!" "Effie!" "Come on in, Bill." "Make yourself at home." "Effie!" "Er...we got company." "Well, Ruggles, here you are." "Oh, I'm so delighted I got you." "I've had my eye on you ever since I met His Lordship." "I do hope and trust you're going to like it with us, both here and in Red Gap." "Red Gap, madam?" "Er...yes, our home town, you know, in the state of Washington." "It's a little, er..." "bourgeoisie, I'm afraid, but I think you'll find a few of us who still really care about what's happening in the, er... haut monde." "Ah, indubitably, madam." "Oh, what beautiful French you speak, Ruggles." " Effie!" " Yes?" "Effie, what's that hired girl gonna do with my clothes?" "Never mind." "Now, Ruggles, the first thing we have to do is take Mr Floud out and get him a whole new outfit." "Now, what for?" "Now, what's the matter with my clothes?" "They're all right." "Bill said so, didn't you, Bill?" "Er..." "Egbert." "I let him dress himself according to his own taste today and you see what he looks like." "Do you think we can do anything about him, Ruggles?" "I dare say he could be smartened up a bit, madam." "Well, I'll dare say more than that." "I can be pushed just so far and..." "Egbert, you listen to me." "Look at his tie." "You see what I mean?" "His appearance is so disgraceful, I..." "I hate to take him any place." "Yeah, you ought to see some of the places she..." "Egbert, you'll do as you're told." "Come along." "Your hat, sir." "Now, you see what I meant about the wildcat and rattlesnake, don't you?" "Look here, now, you go easy on this clothes business" " and remember I like checks." " Egbert." " Go ahead." " After you, sir." " No, no." "Go on, go on." " Oh, no, no, sir." "What, are we gonna do this all over again?" "Madame, what, er..." "what can I do for you today?" "We want a lot of things for the gentleman." " Ah, for the gentleman?" " This is the gentleman." "Ah." "Oh, something...something similar to what he's wearing?" "Similar to..." "What is this, a second-hand store?" "Oh, no, madame!" "You see, he got these clothes under the most peculiar circumstances." "You see, he..." "Mm." "The gentleman's present condition is purely the result of an accident." "The gentleman's hotel burned down during the night." "The gentleman rushed from the burning building in, er...the altogether." "Wait, wait, wait!" "What is all this?" "The gentleman was forced to accept the loan of garments from onlookers." "All circus people!" "Now I understand the gentleman's ridiculous appearance!" "Well, you...you ain't no geranium yourself." "Egbert." "Would you be kind enough to show us something in morning coats?" "Morning coats?" "Mais oui, monsieur." "Un moment." "Try to walk, Egbert." "What do you think of him, Ruggles?" "In the main, madam, I am not dissatisfied." "I think he looks very distingué." "Gay nothing." "I look like that bantam rooster I had before it was run over." "When you came in here, you looked like that bantam rooster after he was run over." "Voilà, monsieur, the spats!" "Oh, now, look-a-here, Bill!" "Now, I don't have to wear them things, do I?" "Spats, sir, mark the difference between a man well turned out and a man merely dressed." "Now, Egbert, go over and sit down and be well turned out." "No, sir, I won't wear 'em." "I won't wear 'em." "They'll make me look like my drawers were hanging down." " Monsieur!" " No, sir." "I can be pushed just so far and no further!" " Monsieur!" "Un moment!" " Egbert!" "Egbert!" "Ruggles, Ruggles, go...go catch him!" "Oh, dear!" "Why, Egbert, you look like a different man!" "Yeah, maybe I'd better change my name." "Here, here, here, here!" "What are you gonna do now?" " We're...we're going to trim it." " Oh, no, you won't!" "But, Egbert, it doesn't go with the spats." "I don't care." "That moustache is gonna stay just the way it is." "What would the fellows say in Red Gap, if they saw me come home with a cut moustache?" "No, sir, you don't go and get..." "All right, all right, you can chew the rag about it as much as you want." "I ain't gonna let you do it." "It took me 20 years to build up this moustache and I ain't gonna have nobody monkey with it now." "Oh, Egbert!" "Oh, Effie!" " Hm." " Oh, madam!" "Gah!" "Oh, Bill!" "Effie, I wouldn't do that to a dog." "Look, Egbert, isn't it nice?" " How do you like it, monsieur?" " Well, I don't know." "Let me see." "How would you like it?" "Monsieur!" " Where are you going?" " I'm going home." "I'm gonna find myself a closet so that I can hide in it." "Oh, no, you're not." "You're going with Ruggles." "Now, come along." "Come on, get out there." "I wish you'd make up your mind, Effie." "Oh, Ruggles?" "While I do some shopping, you might spend a few hours with Egbert..." "I mean Mr Floud, in the art galleries." "Art galleries?" "Yes, madam." "Yes, he's been writing down a few of his impressions in this little book." "Art, it seems, is Egbert's emotional outlet." "Get him home early, Ruggles." "We have a few very important people coming in for dinner." "And see that he acts like a gentleman, if you have to hog-tie him." "Place Vendôme!" "Er...goodbye...goodbye, Effie." "Goodbye." "We have a common sympathy in the pictorial arts, if I may say so, sir." " Mm-hm?" " Shall we stroll towards the Louvre?" "Wait a minute." "She'll be around the corner in a minute." "Now." "Come on, let's grab a table." "Madam instructed me to conduct you to the art galleries, sir." "Well...well, you wouldn't know it, but this is it." "Come on." " Hey, Max!" "Oh, Max?" " Oui, monsieur." " Max, bring me my book, you know..." " Oui, monsieur." "They keep my book handy here for me." " I..." "I got a system." " Oh!" "Oh, monsieur, qu'il est grand!" "Quelle surprise!" "Yeah, yeah, they tricked me." " That's it, Max, now, give me a pencil." " Oui, monsieur." " And give us a couple of beers." " Oui, monsieur, oui, oui." "Now, here's what I do, Bill, see?" "I copy out of this here big book into this here little one, and then I show Effie how much I learned at the art galleries." "Yes, sir, but I fail to see how you are to acquire culture in this way, sir." "Well, I don't know." "I been getting away with it ever since I come to Paris." "Now, look, you write it this time and that'll make it stronger with Effie, see?" "And pick out something good, something in the middle there, about, "Here lies the true lovers of art entranced" or something." "Here is displayed in its full flower, sir..." "Well, sit down, sit down." "You can't write standing up." " Sit down." " Oh, no, sir." "Oh." "Oh, I know what's the matter with you." "You think I'm mad at you on account of these clothes and everything, huh?" "Well, I ain't." "I may be a little mad at Effie, but I ain't mad at you." "Now, go on, sit down." "There is a certain difference in our walks of life, sir, which makes it impossible for me to sit at the same table with yourself, sir." "Well, you ain't ashamed to sit here, are you?" "Ashamed?" "It isn't that, sir." "It just doesn't do for a gentleman's servant to sit with his superiors, sir." "Superiors, nothing." "You're as good as I am, and I'm as good as you are, ain't I?" " Well, sir..." " Well, ain't I?" "Er...yes, sir." "Well, then, what's eatin' you?" "Sit down and take the weight off your shoes." "There." "There you are, you see?" "That didn't hurt, did it?" "Mm." "Mac, that's just what we've been waiting for." "Aha!" "Well, here you go, Colonel." "Here's, er...spying on you." "Well, ain't you gonna drink with me?" "What's the matter with you?" "Don't you ever have no fun?" "Ain't you happy?" "Well, don't you ever smile?" "Well, that ain't much of a smile." "Don't you feel good?" "I'm in perfect health, sir, but it is rather a shock to find oneself breaking the tradition of generations." "Well, don't let it throw you, Colonel." "Come on." "Excuse me, sir, but you must remember to address me as Ruggles, sir, and not as Colonel or as Bill or as Mr Ruggles, as you've been doing, sir." "Now, why?" "Why can't I call you Colonel?" "If we were overheard, sir, people might take us to be equals." "Well, listen." "Where I come from, everybody is equal, see?" "Ah, that may be all very well for America, sir, but it would never do with us." "Well, let's not get into no more argument about it." "We got work to do." "And then we can settle down to some real drinking." "Where was we in that book there?" ""Here is displayed in its full flower", sir, "that ruthless realism" ""happily alternated by a superbly subtle delicacy..."" "Wait a minute!" "Hey, Jeff!" " Hey, Jeff!" " Hold her, Newt!" "Hey, Jeff Tuttle!" "Yee-hoo!" "You old Sourdough!" "Giddy-up!" "Now whoa!" "Whoa, whoa, you old..." "Whoa, my old..." "No, wait a minute." "I want you to meet a friend of mine, Bill!" "Er...hey, Bill!" "Bill, where are you?" "Er...hey, Bill!" "Come on down here!" "I want you to meet somebody!" "Come on, Bill, come on!" "You know, I thought maybe you wouldn't recognise me in my new beadwork here." "Me not know you, you old Sourdough?" "You old longhorn, you!" "Oh, Colonel Ruggles, I want you to meet up with Jeff Tuttle from Red Gap, State of Washington, USA." "Pleased to meet you, Colonel." "I have no military title whatsoever, sir, never having served in His Majesty's forces, not even in the ranks." "Any friend of Sourdough's is all right with me." "Say, what's the matter with sitting down?" "Why, sure, sure." "Pull up a chair there, Colonel, pull up a chair." "No, pull up one for yourself." " Where did you get this?" " Yeah, well, Effie done that to me." "Wait till I show it to you." "Look at that." "Big Chief High Hat!" "Here you are, Colonel, shove those somewhere." "Well, you old stinging lizard, where did you turn up from?" "Europe." "We been all over Europe and Italy." "Cathedrals." "Just one church after another." "And say!" "How about a little drink?" "Ha!" "Well, beer's the only thing I know how to say in these here French joints." " You leave that to me." "Here, boy!" " Oui, monsieur?" "Veesky soda." "That's French for highball." "You have to do that..." "Well, how did you ever learn that?" "Well, it took me some time to get the accent." "I think we ought to be getting along home, sir." "Hey, wait a minute!" "We just met." "Squattéz-vous." "We have important people coming to dinner, sir, and we have definite instructions from Madam." "Yeah, he means Effie." "You know how she is." " That woman could bite through nails." " Yes, she chews 'em instead of gum." "Here you go, Maxie, that's what we been waitin' for." "Now bring three more, er...veesky soda." " Look, look, like..." " Oui, monsieur." "Yeah, he got me right away." "Let's make it harder next time." "You old mustang!" "You old coyote!" "Here's looking at you!" "Come on, come on, Colonel." "Wrap your paw around that there glass." " Yahoo!" " Yippee!" "You old horned toad." " You old maverick." " Ha-ha-ha-ha." "Yippee!" " What's the matter with a little grub?" " Yeah, a little grub." "Hey, George." "Er..." "Max." "Allé restaurant." "Ask him if he's got some ham and eggs." "Er...voulez-vous...er...hammy eggie?" "Qu'est-ce que c'est, monsieur?" "The man don't even know his own language." "Hammy eggie?" "Gee, that's beautiful French, beautiful French." "And after that we'll take a little drive to some of the well-known points of interest." " Sure, sure, but no art galleries." " And no churches." "No, and no clothing stores." "And no churches." "And..." "You said that before." "I wonder what we'll get instead of ham and eggs." "Yahoo!" "Well, by crikey, I didn't know he had it in him!" "You should never let him get in this condition." "Why, the man's pickled!" "Oh, it always affects him this way." "It's terrible." "I beg your pardon, sir." " Look out, Jeff, grab him!" " I got him, I got him!" "He's a tough hombre when he gets started." "Yippee!" "Yippee!" "Yippee!" "Yippee!" "You see there?" "You see?" "There he goes again." "We gotta get him out in the fresh air." "It's too hot for him in here." "You go pay the cheque, Jeff." "I'll grab him." " Oui." " I'll grab him, I'll grab him." "Come on." "Come on there, Bill." "Come on, Colonel." "That's it." "Now, take it easy." "Here, here, here, here!" "Now, don't try no rough stuff." "We got you outnumbered." "Hey, cab!" "Er...give us one with a horse on it." "Come on, now." "Come on, steady there." "Come on, steady now, steady now, Colonel." "Steady." " After you, sir." " Here...here we go with this again." " Go on in there." " After you, sir." " Go on in now." " After you, sir." "Get in that cab." "What do..." "Go on, go on, go on, go on." "Yeah." "Yeah." "We'll...we'll tell you where in a minute." "We're havin' a meetin'." "Oh, here we..." "Now, will you get in that cab?" "You won't get in, eh?" "Well, there ought to be some way out of this." "Let's see." " You don't mind waiting, do you?" " No, no." "Er...now, that's not fair." "You ain't thinkin'." "Aw...go on, let him have his own way." "Oh, all right." " Voulez-vous, any place." " Yahoo!" "So nice of you to have come." "I only wish you'd met my husband." "I can't imagine what could have detained him." " Yahoo!" " Shh!" "Oh!" "Shh." "Quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet." "Keep him quiet." " Jeff Tuttle from Red Gap!" " Shh!" "Shh!" "Quiet, quiet, quiet!" "Quiet, now, quiet!" " We...we gotta sneak in." " Shh!" " Shh." " Now, you see?" "We made it." " Whoo!" " Shh." "Keep him quiet, Jeff, go on." " Quiet now, quiet." " Oh!" "Well, hello, Effie." " It's Effie, boys." " Hello, Effie." " Egbert, what does this mean?" " Well, you...you..." "Effie, you have no idea the trouble we had with the Colonel here." "It come on him when we were in the art galleries." "Er...hold him up, Jeff." " I got him, I got him." " You see what I mean?" "He's a nice fellow too." "It's a shame." "You'll excuse him, will you, folks?" "Je suis mortifée." "I'm très amazed." "Adieu, Mr Standfans." " Bonsoir, madame." " Bonsoir, madame." " Adieu!" " We've had such a lovely evening." " Bonsoir, madame." " Bonsoir, madame." "Effie?" "Erm..." "Effie?" "Er..." "I..." "There...there you are." "Now you see?" "You see what I mean?" "He's a man who should never have liquor." "It brings out the beast in him." " Whoo!" " Oh." "I suppose you two haven't been drinking." " No!" " Yes." "Well, we had to." "He...he made us." "Yes, he pulled a long knife on us." " I want to speak to Ruggles alone." " Uh-oh." "Do you think it's safe to leave her alone with him?" " Don't worry about me." " Well, I don't know, Effie." "After all, you know, you're..." "you're all I've got." "Now look-a-here, Ruggles." "I'm warning you." "Er...one false move and, er..." "you understand?" " Yippee." " Well, that's better." " What did he say?" " He said yippee." "Oh, that's all right, then." "Well, Ruggles!" "And to think I sent you out to take care of him!" "I'm terribly sorry, madam." "Perhaps I should have enquired of His Lordship about your habits." "Yes." "Oh." "Oh!" "Oh!" "Er..." " Good morning, Ruggles." " Good morning, madam." "Ruggles, I'm horribly disappointed in you." "Not so disappointed as I am in myself, madam." "And I'm more than disappointed because I thought that Egbert had..." "had something in him." "Something in him?" "Yes, madam." "And to think of Egbert and Jeff Tuttle trailing you around Paris trying to save you from yourself." "I shall never forget that, madam." "Of course, er..." "Jeff Tuttle's an Indian but Egbert is different." " One or two lumps, madam?" " Oh, none, none." "Think of your dragging him out of an art gallery and taking him places that..." "Oh!" "Must have disgusted him." "Making him ride on a merry-go-round." "I..." "I don't know where you got such ideas." "I was not myself, madam." "You don't look like a periodical souse." "Oh, madam, please." "But to show that I'm broadminded, you can go and get yourself a drink." "Oh, thank you, madam." "I know how you feel." " Er...on account of my husband." " Of course, madam." "But I shall forgive and forget." "That's my nature." "And now, Ruggles, tomorrow we're sailing for home." " Home, madam?" " Yes, home, America." "Red Gap." "Oh, yes, madam." "Red Gap." " Is this still Kansas, madam?" " Oh, dear, no!" "We're getting into Red Gap." "That's in the state of Washington, you know." "Indeed, madam?" "Extraordinary there seem to be none of the usual signs of an approaching city." "Oh, well, Red Gap ain't exactly a city, Bill, but it's the fastest-growin' town in the West, though." "Yes, sir." "When we get to the station, we'll be met by my sister and brother-in-law," "Mr and Mrs Belknap-Jackson." "I think you'll find Mr Belknap-Jackson quite the gentleman." "Yeah, yeah, he sure is." "When he found out that Ma Pettinghill..." "That's Effie's ma." "When he found out that she made a barrel of dough in oil, he come all the way from Boston just to marry into the family." " Egbert." " Ouch." "Well, didn't he?" "Quiet." "Mr Belknap-Jackson is the leader of our Red Gap society." "You know, until he came out here, you'd hardly believe it, but nobody even thought of using doilies under finger bowls." "Did they, Egbert?" "Nobody even thought of using finger bowls." "How very extraordinary!" "No, sir." "Finger bowls." "Here he comes!" "I hope Europe has helped Egbert." "How could anything help Egbert?" "Effie!" "Oh, my dear!" "How sweet of you to come and meet us!" "Why, Egbert, how smart you look!" "I'd never known it was you." "Well, I hardly know it myself." "Hello, Knappie." "Bill, where are you?" "Oh, Colonel Ruggles." "I want you to meet Mr and Mrs Belknap-Jackson." "Er...this is the Boston Belknap I was telling you about." "How do you do, Colonel?" "The Colonel come all the way from England with us." "You'll find a few of us here that really matter." "He's Egbert's manservant." " His valet?" " Yes." "Oh!" "Egbert!" "Ma!" "Well, you durn dude!" "Ma Pettingill, you wild maverick!" "You durn horned toad!" "What have they done to you, made you ambassador from Paris?" "I do look kind of foreign, don't I?" "Well, let me show you something." "Come here." " Effie!" " Mother!" "Well, durn me if you don't look like a lady!" "Oh, Ma, here's the fella that done it to me." "Colonel Ruggles, this is our Ma Pettingill." " Hiya, Colonel." " How do you do?" " Where's your uniform?" " Mother." " Huh?" " This is Egbert's servant." "No!" "You look as funny as Belknap-Jackson!" " Ruggles, bring the luggage." " Yes, sir." "Hiya, Buck!" " Hello, fellers." " How do you do, Egbert?" "Why, you long drink of water, I'll..." "Say, who's your friend?" "Oh, boys, I want you to meet Colonel Ruggles, a special friend of mine." "Any friend of Egbert's is a friend of ours." "Well, Colonel, I think you're going to like it here." "If Egbert likes you, you must be a regular guy and if you're a regular guy, you're OK with Red Gap." " Thank you, madam." " Don't keep calling me madam." "Ma's my name." "Ma Pettingill." "Any time you can't find Egbert, just try the old Silver Dollar." "We'll be there." " Hiya, Ma." " Hiya, Sam." "The others'll be along in a minute." "Libby, Willy, meet Colonel Ruggles." " Howdy-do." " How do you do, Colonel?" " A genuine blackamoor, madam?" " Oh, yeah." " And a China person?" " Uh-huh." "What do you think of the place?" "It's large." "Belknap-Jackson and my two daughters put their house-building ideas together and this is what happened." "The only thing I had to do with it was pay for it." "But I can't lose." "I can sell it any time to the city for a depot." "And then I go on to say," ""The Flouds were accompanied by their English manservant," ""secured through the courtesy of the Earl of Burnstead." ""He will no doubt lend a continental flavour to the Floud mansion."" " How's that, Belknap?" " I think..." "Yeah, some mess of words." "Egbert, I want you to take this over to Jake Henshaw at the newspaper office and be sure that he prints it." " Ruggles!" " Yes, madam!" " Oh, Ruggles!" " Yes, madam." " Are you ready?" " Yes, madam." "Er..." "Ruggles, I want you to accompany Mr Floud to the newspaper office." "Yes, madam." "And, er...see that he makes no stops on the way." " Oh, Effie, you know me." " Yes." "Oh, look-a-here, do I have to carry these?" " Why, certainly." " Oh...!" " Oh, Ruggles?" " Yes, sir?" "Will you see that he comes straight home?" "Remember, we're holding you responsible." " ♪ By the light - ♪ By the light, by the light" "♪ Of the silvery moon" "♪ Of the silvery moon..." "Listen, listen, Bill." "That's Nell Kenner singing." "Ain't that pretty?" " Who, sir?" " This is Nell Kenner's house." "Come on." "May I remind you we are instructed to proceed to the newspaper office, sir?" "Yeah, well, we'll get around to that." "We'll head in here first." "Come on." "You know, Effie and her circle of cats is always got their harpoons out for Nell." "But believe me, she's as right as a church." "But it is highly improper for you to take your valet about with you, sir." "Aw, they won't know you from the Duke of Kakiac." "Come on in and mix." "Oh, no, sir." "Say, look-a-here, who are you working for anyway?" "You, sir." " Mix, sir?" "Yes, sir." " Yeah." "Uh-oh, look out, I forgot something." "Come here, come here." "You better take this pool cue and these mittens, see?" "If the gang ever caught me with those, they'd run me out of town hitched to a horse's tail or something." "Go on, go on, take 'em." "You can get away with it." "You're a foreigner." "Look out there!" " Well, Sourdough!" " Hello, Eddie." " When did you get off the trail?" " Just got in, just got in." " Hello, Sourdough." " Hello, Doc." "Eddie, I want you to meet my good friend Colonel Ruggles." " Colonel, I'm glad to know you, sir." " How do you do?" "Yeah, this is Doc Squires." "Doc Squires, Colonel Ruggles." " Put her there, Colonel." " How do you do?" "Doc is a feller that'll give you castor oil for everything." "Wait a minute." "I got something on my mind." "Now, what was it?" " That's it." "Where's the beer barrel?" " Over there." "Well, let's go to it." "We'll be seeing you around, boys." " Hello, Harry!" " Hello, boy." " Shake hands with Colonel Ruggles." " I'm very glad to know you." "And Stella." "Stella, Harry's wife." "Colonel Ruggles." "Get out, get out!" "Oh, you're way in over your head there." "Well, Sourdough!" "Hello, Hank, my boy." "Hank, I want you to meet my good friend Colonel Ruggles." "This is Hank." " How are you, Colonel?" " How do you do?" " Egbert!" " Who's calling?" " Why, Nell!" "Yippee!" " Egbert, come here!" "Ha-ha-ha!" "Pull out your anchor, Bill." "I'll be with you in a minute." " Have a beer, Colonel." " Oh, thank you." "Oh, you old darling!" "Ha-ha!" "Nell Kenner, you're a sight for sore eyes." "Aw, gee, Red Gap hasn't been the same without you." "Aw, you're joshing me." " There you are." " Oh, thank you." "Oh, Jake." "Shake hands with Colonel Ruggles." " Huh?" " Jake Henshaw, Colonel." " The best newspaperman in the West." " How do you do?" " Colonel?" "What army?" " The truth of the matter is that..." "I got it." "British army, of course." " Now, what's your first name, Colonel?" " It isn't ever used." " Oh, just for the paper." " Come on." "Tell him your first name, Colonel." "Marmaduke." "No foolin'?" "Well, anyhow, how do you like our fair city?" "Oh, topping'." " Like it, eh?" " I've never seen anything like it." "Well, have you met any of our fair women?" "I've not yet had that pleasure." "Well, come on and try some of our fair food, Colonel." " Oh, thank you." " Here we are." "Colonel Marmaduke Ruggles." "Oh, now wait a minute." "Let the old horse thief tell about his trip in his own way." "Horse thief, she called me!" "You want I should tell you in English or in French?" "French." "Who said that?" "You would." "It couldn't have been a little feller." "I say, who is responsible for this sauce?" "Me." "Very excellent it is indeed, my good woman." "If you're calling me a good woman cos you don't know my name, it's Judson." "Delighted to make your acquaintance, I'm sure." " And who am I..." " Pardon me, Colonel." "I've got it up to "Colonel Marmaduke Ruggles, British Army retired."" "You're staying with the Flouds, are you not?" " Yes, but only..." " Thank you." "That's all I wanted to know." " I'll see you a little later." " I say!" "Oh." "So, you like my meat sauce, do you?" "It's very good." "It's almost perfect." "What do you mean, almost perfect?" "I was just thinking that perhaps a few drops of this and a little bit of that might make it into a really superlative sauce." "So, that's what you're thinking, is it?" "Well, let me tell you something." "That I've been making meat sauce for longer than I can remember, and nobody's ever found fault with it before." "I wasn't finding fault with it." "What do you mean by a few drops of this and a little bit of that?" "Oh, I only meant that perhaps a little spice and some wine vinegar.." "Listen, Colonel." "You'd better stick to something you know about, like leading a regiment." "Let's not have an international row about it." "Well..." "Shall we dance?" "Well, I really shouldn't." "I've got work to do." "Oh?" "Er...are you in service here?" "If you mean do I work here, why, yes." "I always help Nell Kenner out when she gives a party." " Oh, I..." " I see what you mean." "A man in your position wouldn't expect the help to dance, but nobody minds here, Colonel." "It's funny, but you're the first one that ever made me feel different than anyone else." "Might I have the pleasure of this waltz?" "Why, sure." "This is the newspaper office, isn't it?" "And Mr Floud isn't there?" "He's not there." "Has Mr Floud been there?" "Are you sure Mr Floud hasn't been there?" "What?" "Why don't I try Nell Kenner's?" "She's giving a beer bust?" "What would my husband be doing at a beer bust?" "Drinking?" "None of your lip, young man!" "He's at the beer bust." "Now there'll be nothing in the paper tomorrow." "I'm surprised at Ruggles." "Well, you'd better get going." "And hurry." "Hurry!" "Just between us, Schwartzie, what do you think?" "I don't even like the buttonholes." "I know just how you feel, Schwartzie." "I tell you what I'm gonna do." "I'm gonna get rid of all these here dude clothes and get me some new ones." "So, I want you to take an order right now for ten suits." " Ten suits?" " Yeah, and make 'em all checks." " Checks?" " Yeah." "Here, here, Bill!" "That's, er...a little close even for Red Gap!" "He dances with finesse." "Colonel Ruggles, what did Mr Henshaw say your first name is?" "Oh, it's never used." " Oh, what is it?" " You'd laugh at it." "No, I wouldn't." "What is it?" " It's Marmaduke." " Oh, that's nice." "Mine's Prunella." "Oh, er..." "Ruggles?" " Well, Ruggles, enjoying yourself?" " Yes, sir." "Thank you, sir." "Well, that's fine." "What prompted you to mingle with the guests?" "Oh, sir, I had definite instructions from Mr Floud, sir, to mix." "I'm sorry to spoil your pleasure." "But you must come home with me at once." "I..." "I feel it incumbent upon me, sir, to see if that coincides with Mr Floud's wishes, sir." "Never mind Mr Floud." "He can stay here." "You're coming with me." "I think I should speak to Mr Floud, sir." "I won't be kicked by a servant, English or otherwise." "Are you still going to harbour the ruffian?" " He's an anarchist." " He's an assassin." "I fail to see anything funny about it, Mater." "You will!" "You will!" "Quiet, Mother." "Ruggles, how could you do it?" "I coarsely gave way to the brute in me." "Mr Belknap-Jackson is quite right." "Will you be quiet, Mother?" "In Paris, you led my poor husband astray." "And now you've started assaulting the family." "Ruggles, you will have to go." "You mean, madam, that I am to be turned loose in this remote settlement?" "Remote settlement?" "You see, Effie?" "The man's quite impossible." "You'd better pack your bags immediately." "Just a minute, Bill." "Before you go throwing Bill out on his ear, you'd better read this here piece in the paper." "Oh." "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh!" " What is it?" " It's terrible." ""Colonel Marmaduke Ruggles," ""late of the British Army," ""and an intimate friend of the Earl of Burnstead," ""is at present an honoured house guest..."" "Look, look!" "It says it right there." ""An honoured house guest of Mr and Mrs Egbert Floud!"" "Disaster!" "Complete social disaster!" ""A series of entertainments" ""are already being planned by socially prominent hostesses" ""including Mrs Judy..." ""Judy Ballard," ""Mrs Ralph Wilton..."" "It's continued on page five." "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Thank you." "What can happen next?" "Oh, how do you do?" "Why, this must be Colonel Ruggles." "I'm Mrs Ballard." "Mrs Judy Ballard." "I simply had to make your acquaintance." " This is Mrs Myron Carey." " How do you do?" " And Miss Sarah Grant." " How do you do?" "They were just crazy to meet you!" "Hello, Effie darling!" "My, how fortunate you are to have such a distinguished visitor!" "Yes." "Er...yes." "This is the most eventful thing that has ever happened to Red Gap." "Or, er...to me." "Yes." "Er...yes." "Oh." "Mrs Wallaby, our old friend Colonel Marmaduke Ruggles, late of the British Army." "Oh, I've been dying to meet you, Colonel." " How do you do?" " What was your regiment?" " We're all ready for the picture." " Oh, the picture, Mrs Wallaby, yes." "Right this way." "Just as quickly as you possibly can, please, and everyone look happy." "Er...smile, Colonel." "Er..." "Mrs Floud there in front of the table." "That's it." "Now, everyone look at the Colonel and smile, please." "Now, Colonel, relax just a bit." "No, no, the face." "Now a little smile." "That's it." "Now, Mrs Floud, look at the Colonel and smile nicely, please." "Oh, a little better smile than that." "Oh, just a little better." "Now, Colonel, look at Mrs Floud." "Mrs Floud, look at the Colonel." "Now a big smile." "Big." "Big!" "Oh, that's it!" "I will ask you to drink to the health of our distinguished guest of honour," "Colonel Marmaduke Ruggles." "I know we would all like to hear some of Colonel Ruggles' experiences in the British Army." " No." "Oh, no." "No, no." " No, no." " I couldn't talk about my exploits." " No." " Oh, Effie, do make him talk." " Oh, no." "No, really." "You see, the Colonel spent many years with the Black Watch in darkest Africa." "You...you were a Black Watchman, weren't you, Colonel?" "Ha-ha." "Hm." " Whoa." " Why, Colonel Ruggles." "Good afternoon, Mrs Judson." "Whoa." "Oh, I say, that print gown suits you no end." " Oh, do you like it?" " Oh, yes." "What a spiffy little garden you have!" "I suppose it would be expecting too much to ask you in for tea?" "Oh, I should say rather not." "Oh." "Mr Barker, stop!" "Come here!" "Get out!" "Mr Barker!" "Mr Barker!" "Out!" "There." "I'm so sorry." "You see, he's never seen an English cowboy." "Cowboy?" "Hm." "I say, what a snug little home you have." "Well, I just sort of fixed it up myself." "Did you?" " Oh!" "Goldfish." " Oh!" "I have always derived intense satisfaction from their silent companionship." "Oh, have you?" "Oh, how quaint!" " Who is this?" " Oh, that was Elmo." "Mr Judson." "He got kicked by his favourite mule and he never got over it." "Oh, excuse me, Colonel, while I go and heat the water for the tea." "Oh, can't I help you?" "It's hot." " May I be of any assistance?" " Oh, no." "Men are so helpless in the kitchen." "Oh, no." "Always bring the pot to the kettle." "Never bring the kettle to the pot." "Listen, Colonel, I've been making tea for longer than I can remember and..." "Don't let's get into difficulties about this." "But you must listen to an Englishman about tea." "If it were coffee, I should be your pupil." "But we're making tea, and when making tea, always bring the pot to the kettle and never bring the kettle to the pot." "Oh, Colonel, your knowledge is surprising." "I don't see why you should say surprising, Mrs Judson." "The best cooks have always been men." "I myself have pronounced views as to the preparation and serving of food." " Have you?" " Oh, yes." "Well, do you know something nice that will go with tea?" "Er...yes, yes." "The ingredients are quite simple too." "Have you a little flour?" " Oh, would you, Colonel?" " Rather." "It, er...needs flour, butter, milk, and salt." "Oh, Colonel, you seem so at home in the kitchen." "Ah, Mrs Judson, it would be difficult to describe the intense satisfaction I have always derived from cooking." "And goldfish." "Er...well, no, no." "Oh, Colonel, you must write out this recipe for me." "Nothing would give me greater pleasure, Mrs Judson." "Dear me!" " You should open a restaurant." " Hm." "He's back again!" "Down, sir!" "Down, sir!" " Mr Barker, out!" "Out!" "Out!" "Mr Barker!" " Down, sir!" "Down, sir!" "Down, sir!" "Here." "Get!" "Oh...!" "We're goin' out to the ranch for a few days to get away from it all." " Heh-heh!" "Ain't that right, Ma?" " That's the idea." " All right, Nelly?" " This is Henry." "Yeah." "Go on, Henry." "Enjoying yourself?" "Yes, sir." "Thank you, sir." "I've been taking the liberty of reading again the life of your great American statesman, sir." "Oh?" "You seem in a very good mood yourself." "I am." "It's a pleasure to tell you that you're through." " Did you say..." " You're fired, Ruggles." "Mrs Floud instructed me to pay your railroad fare to San Francisco." "Yes, sir." "There's a train leaving at noon." "See that you're on it." "What?" "Train, sir?" "Train, sir?" "Yes, sir." "Er...train, sir." "Goodbye to you, sir." "Goodbye, sir." " Oh, it's late." " Yeah." "Um..." "Oh, in that case, could you tell me where I could obtain an inexpensive meal?" "Er...try the Silver Dollar." "They've a swell free lunch there." "Oh, thank you." "Er..." "could I deposit my luggage here?" "Er...yeah, leave 'em there." "I'll watch 'em." "Thank you." " Hello, Colonel." " How do you do?" " What'll you have?" " A small glass of beer, thank you." " A small one, eh?" " How are you, Colonel?" " Howdy, Colonel." " How do you do?" " How have you been?" " In excellent health, thank you." "Er...do you know, I think I could do with a bite of food." "Oh, we have a fine lunch on today." "Right down here, Colonel." " How's tricks?" " Oh, jolly." "Ah, them's nice pig's feet, Colonel." "Yes." "Hi, Bill!" "Look, Ma, here's Bill." "Come in here, you old lone wolf." "Oh, pardon me." "Tryin' to sneak one over on us, eh?" " Hi, Bill." " Here, sit down, sit down." "I thought you'd departed for the ranch, sir." "We just stopped in here first for a little snort." "Sit down." "This is very awkward, sir." " What's he talking about?" " I don't know." " Are you drunk, Colonel?" " Ye..." "Drunk?" "Heck, no." "I would like you to know that I have only the kindliest feelings towards you both." "He's tight as a tick." "Ye..." "No, no, he ain't." "Come on, Bill, loosen up." "Now, what's gnawing' on you?" "Yeah, I thought there was somethin'." "No longer require your services?" "Belknap-Jackson!" "Why, the sku..." "I'll cut out his windpipe!" " The sneaking' coyote!" " Why, look-a-here, Bill." "We wouldn't fire you even if you looked like that feller." "I couldn't be happier, sir." "I couldn't be happier, madam." "Oh, yes, you could." "Here, drink that." "Yeah, and follow it up with this." "I tell you, that Belknap-Jackson is a Boston cream puff." "You're working for me, ain't you?" "Oh, excuse me." "I couldn't help but hear." "But I don't understand." " Well, tell her, Ma." " Come on and sit down." "Listen." " No!" " Yeah, that's right." "Then you're just an ord..." " Oh, this is wonderful news." " Come have a drink." "No, I just came over for some cooking sherry." "Well, I'll tell you what we'll do." "We'll all have one more shot and then we'll move Bill back into the house." " What do you say?" " No, sir." " I'd rather not." " Why not?" "Well, sir, I can't go on posing as what I'm not and, er..." "I don't wish to remain in service any longer, sir." "I want to make something of myself." "I would like to stand on my own two feet." "This is a land, sir, of great opportunity where all are created equal." "There, that's...that's what I been..." "Now you're talkin'." "Like Lincoln said that day at Gettysburg." "He hit the nail right on the nose when he said..." "Well, what did he say?" "That's funny." "I was gonna ask you the same thing." "He, er..." "What did he say?" " I don't know." "Do you?" " I don't know." "Er...he...he said..." " Hey, Sam!" " Yeah?" "What did Lincoln say that day at Gettysburg?" "I don't know but I'll find out." "What did Lincoln say at Gettysburg?" "I don't know." "Harry, what did Lincoln say at Gettysburg?" "I don't know, boss." "Hey, Curly, what did Lincoln say at Gettysburg?" "I don't recollect." "Ask Hank." "He reads the newspapers." " What did he say, Hank?" " I don't know." " Ask the boys, will you?" " Sure." " Try and find out for me, will you, Harry?" " Sure." " Hey." " Huh?" "What did Lincoln say at Gettysburg?" "I don't know." "I wasn't there." "What did Lincoln say at Gettysburg?" "I don't know." "What did he say?" "I was asking you." "You wasn't there!" " I couldn't find out." " That dumb bunch don't know." "There's none of them there that knows." "What a fine bunch of Americans!" "That's funny." "Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth, on this continent, a new nation, conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal." "Now we are engaged in a great civil war..." "Why, that's it." "Bill, don't tell me you know it." " How does it go, Bill?" " Er..." ""Four score and seven years ago" ""our fathers brought forth, on this continent, a new nation," ""conceived in liberty," ""and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal." ""Now we are engaged in a great civil war," ""testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived, and so dedicated," ""can long endure." ""We are now on a great battlefield of that war." ""We have come to dedicate a portion of that field," ""as a final resting place" ""for those who here gave their lives, that that nation might live." ""It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this." ""But, in a larger sense, we cannot dedicate, we cannot consecrate," ""we cannot hallow, this ground." ""The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here," ""have consecrated it far beyond our poor power to add or detract." ""The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here," ""but it can never forget what they did here." ""It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work" ""which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced." ""It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us," ""that from these honoured dead we take increased devotion to that cause" ""for which they gave the last full measure of devotion," ""that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain..." ""...that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom," ""and that government of the people, by the people, and for the people," ""shall not perish from the earth."" "I'll buy a drink." "Here's to Colonel Ruggles!" "Here, here!" "Well, I'll tell you, Bill, we already got a president, but any time you want to run for mayor or sheriff or something like that, you just let me know." "I'm not ambitious for public office, sir." "Bill, what are you figuring on doing besides standing on your own two feet?" "I keep telling him he should open a restaurant." " Great!" " Say, that ain't a bad idea." "We ain't never had a decent hash house here in Red Gap." "And I'll stake you to the best location in town for it." " I beg your pardon, madam?" " It won't cost you a nickel." "I own the building." "There was a Chinaman tried to run a chop suey joint there and they shot him." "He couldn't cook ham and eggs." "He was always doin' something Chinese to 'em." "I could help you in the kitchen." "I'll even let you help me with my meat sauce." "How...how much cash you figure it would take, Bill?" "If I might say so, you're all a bit of OK." "Well, you...you're more than that." "Doggone it!" "Let's have a drink to the new beanery." "Well...well, wait a minute, wait a minute." "What...what'll we call it?" " Er..." " Yes." " Er..." " Um..." " Er..." " Er..." "How about calling it The Busy Bee?" "No, no." " The Mustang Grotto." " No, no." "I think it should be something nice like Ye Olde English Tavern." "No, no." "Look, look, look." "I got it, I got it." "The Golden Horse Chop House." "No." "Why?" "Why?" "Can't you just see a golden horse squatting' up there on the roof?" "No, no, no!" "Er...might I suggest The Anglo-American Grill?" " Um..." " Not bad, huh?" " I like it." " What do you think, Egbert?" "Well, it's all right but I still think it ought to be called a horse's something." "No, no, no." " Hello, Belknap." " Effie." "Here's a letter from Lord Burnstead." "It just arrived this noon." "Oh, dear George." "Dear, dear George." "Yes." "Oh!" "He's coming here." "He's coming here to visit us!" " He's coming here?" " Yes." "Yes, yes." "He's going to take Ruggles back with him." "Oh." "The Earl of Burnstead our house guest." "My supreme triumph in Red Gap." " What's the matter?" " Ruggles is gone." " What?" " He's on his way to San Francisco." " What are you talking about?" " I..." "I discharged him." "You discharged him?" "You..." "Oh, you couldn't." "You...you..." "How dare you?" " What can we do?" " What can we do?" "What can we do?" "Oh, what can we do?" "What can..." "Oh, I'm going to faint." "Oh, no." "No, I'm not." "I'm going to find Egbert." "It's a mess, isn't it?" "It's wonderful." "Well, I don't see anything wonderful about it." " You don't?" " No." "You don't?" "My father was a gentleman's gentleman, and his father before him." "And from that heritage of service, miraculously, there comes a man, a person of importance, however small, a man whose decisions and whose future are in his own hands." "It's wonderful, isn't it?" "Restaurant?" "Ruggles opening a restaurant?" "Yeah, where the chop suey joint used to be." "Well, of course he's not going to do anything of the sort." "Whoever suggested such a horrible idea?" "Hey, Ma!" "Old man Schwartz certainly did a good job on the suit, didn't he?" "Oh, hello, Effie." "Ye Gods and little prairie dogs!" "Where in..." "Where did you get that horse blanket?" "Now, look-a-here, Effie, this is a man's suit and I aim to wear it!" " Where are your good clothes?" " They're all gone." "Egbert Floud, take off those clothes." "No, sir, I won't do it." " Take off those clothes!" " No, sir, I won't do it!" "Effie, we might just as well have a showdown right here and now." "What did Lincoln say at Gettysburg?" "Yeah, you don't know." "Well, I'll tell you." "He said that all men are created equal." "He didn't just mean a few men." "He meant all men, and that includes me." "I'm created equal." " Equal to what?" " Equal...equal to what?" "Well, equal to..." "She changed the subject on me." "Er... men are created equal to women!" "That's why you have no right to order me around the way you do." "Abe Lincoln said so." "He also said you can fool some of the people some of the time, and all of the people some of the time." "But you can't fool me, Egbert Floud, any of the time!" "You striped bass!" "Effie!" "Oh, no." "I say, you mustn't do that." "No, no, no, no." "No, no." "You mustn't do that." "Let me." " Ruggles!" " Yes, madam?" "Lord Burnstead." "He's coming." "Here." "Here's his letter." " Coming here, madam?" " Yes, yes." "Isn't it glorious?" "Of course, I shall be simply frantic arranging dinners, parties and receptions but I'm depending on you, Ruggles." " What are you doing?" "Are you busy?" " Yes, rather, madam." "Oh, yes." "Yes, of course." "The...the restaurant." "The chop-suey joint you were going to open." "Well, of course, that's out of the question now." "It was a silly idea to begin with." "Oh, but here I am wasting time and...and dear George apt to pop in on us any moment." "Oh, Ruggles, you don't know what this means to me." "Au revoir!" "Au revoir!" "Well, he's coming to get me." "You're not gonna let him, are you?" "I suppose he needs me." "You mean you're gonna give up all this just to keep him buttoned up?" "What has he ever done for you?" "Well, he did let me down but I'd be the first member of my family ever to let his family down." "And I'd have you know, Mrs Judson, that it isn't just keeping a man buttoned up, it's heredity and loyalty, and I suppose you could call it habit if you wanted to." "I'd hate to tell you what I'd call it." "Why don't you practise what you been preaching?" "First I find you're not a colonel and now I find you're not a man." "Maybe you'd better find out what you are." "Oh, I feel like jumping in the river." "Well, go ahead and jump." "And jump in at the bend." "It's deeper there." "Now, let me see." "Let me see." "The Earl of Burnstead on my right, of course." "Er...who's next to him?" " Judy Ballard." " Absolutely not." "No, we'll put her..." "Way down in the slums at my end of the table." "Has anybody seen anything of Ruggles?" "Not a sign of him." " You didn't fire him again, did you?" " I did not." "I looked all over town for him, everywhere." "Oh, he couldn't desert me like this in my hour of need." "Do you realise I don't even know how to introduce my guest of honour?" "There's the doorbell." "They're arriving too early." " I'll tell them." " You'll do nothing of the sort." "I'll bet a dollar Lord Burnstead hasn't got his shirt on yet." "Bit of a problem, isn't it?" "Yeah, what?" "Well, we can't very well go downstairs without our ties being tied, can we?" " Yeah, no, no, we can't." " Mm." "Maybe..." "maybe we can't go downstairs at all." "Um...no." "Beastly bores, receptions, aren't they?" "Tedious, I mean." " I don't like 'em, do you?" " Well, they don't bother me none." " No?" " No, I never go to 'em." " Oh, I see." " I'm..." "I'm what they call agile." "Agile?" "Oh!" "Oh, you...you mean agile, huh?" "Yeah." "Yeah, that's right." " Admiral, come here a minute." " Yes." "Now, er...take a look at this here window." "Looks just like an ordinary window at first glance, doesn't it?" " You're right." " Uh-huh." "Did you ever have occasion to, er...climb out of a window?" "Oh, yes." "Hm." " See what you can do with this one." " Ah." "Oh, I hate to leave that but we may bump into another later, eh?" " Take her easy, now." "Take her easy." " Yes." "You, er...you'll find a hole in the wall for your foot." "I put it there myself." "Yes." "Yes, I found it." "Come right in, girls." "Put your things down here." "All right, thank you." "Is my hair all right?" "Yes, that's very good." "Now, how about mine?" " Oh, I'm sorry we were late." " It...it's quite all right." "If you'll go right in, I..." "I'll join you in just a moment." "There seems to be something the matter with these drapes." "♪ Cheyenne, Cheyenne, hop on my pony" "♪There's room here for two, dear" "♪ But after the ceremony We'll both ride back..." "I hope that wasn't the drinks." " It was." " Excuse me." "Oh, Miss Kenner, I'm so sorry this happened, but I'm so nervous I could jump right out of my skin." "Well, don't worry about a few glasses." "Oh, it isn't that." "It's Mr Ruggles." "I just know something's happened to him, something fatal." "Oh, nonsense." "He'll show up." "But I'm just not myself." "You see what I mean?" " Here I am." "Hi, Nell." " Why, Egbert!" " Where's your coat?" " Effie wanted me to wear it." "But I'll tell you later how I got out of it." "I want you to meet somebody." "Come on in here, George." "Nell, I want you to meet my poker-playing friend Earl Burnstead." " How do you do?" " This is Nell Kenner." " How do you do?" " Yeah, Earl is a lord." "Ain't that right, Lord?" "Yeah, but you can call him George for short." "And I want you two to get acquainted." "You know, Nell, make him feel at home." "Because he ain't quite used to our ways, and over where he come from..." "Er..." "Oh, heck." "I guess it's the same the world over." "Give me a drink, somebody." "Er...this is a frightful intrusion, isn't it?" "Oh, not at all." "Isn't Mrs Floud giving you a dinner tonight?" "Yes." "Oh, yes." "Oh, I..." "I see your point." "Well, you see, I..." "Well, you can see for yourself my tie isn't right." "Oh, isn't that too bad?" "Shall I tie it for you?" " Oh, I say, would you really?" " Of course." "Oh, I say, isn't this nice?" "Is this your first visit to America, Lord Burnstead?" "Huh?" "Oh, I'm so sorry." "I was thinking of something else." "I..." "You're remarkably like a girl I know." "I can't remember her name." " Hm?" " Yes." "You don't know it, I suppose?" " No." " No, I suppose not." "She's...she's the most beautiful girl in England." "There." "I'm afraid that's the best I can do." "Oh, it's first-rate, really." "Thanks awfully." "I say, do...do you believe in love at first sight?" " No." " No?" " Do you?" " No." "That's why I'd like to stay a little while, if I may." " What?" " Come on in." "Fascinating, your American rhythm, isn't it?" "Yes, isn't it?" "It's ready." "Oh." "Shall we eat?" "Er...no, I'd rather try this again, if you don't mind." " All right." " Yes." "♪ Everybody loves a baby That's why I'm in love with you" "♪ Pretty baby, boom..." " Why did you say boom?" " There's a boom there." " Oh, is there?" "Oh." " You don't seem to understand." " Say it once with me." " Yes." "Everybody loves a baby, that's why I'm in love with you." "Pretty baby, boom." "Pretty baby, boom." " That's right." " I see." "Oh, yes." "Oh, yes." "♪ Everybody loves a baby That's why I'm in love with you" " ♪ Pretty baby - ♪ Boom..." "No, you do it on the drum." "Huh?" "Of course." "How stupid of me." " Yes." " Huh?" "♪ Everybody loves a baby" "♪That's why I'm in love with you Pretty baby... ♪ Pretty baby..." " I'm sorry." " What?" " There's another one there." " Oh." "Oh, a ditto?" " Yes, a ditto boom." " Oh, I like that." " You like what?" " A ditto boom." "Ditto boom." "Ditto boom." "Ditto boom, boom, boom." "Oh, let's eat." "What?" "No, I'd rather ditto boom, if you don't mind." " All right, we'll ditto boom." " That's fine, that's fine." "♪ Everybody loves a baby That's why I'm in love with you" "♪ Pretty baby... ♪ I'd like to be your sister, brother Dad and mother too, pretty baby..." "Popping in everywhere." "♪ Pretty baby... ♪Won't you come and let me rock you In my cradle of love..." "That was my own idea." "I know it." "♪ Oh, I want a lovin' baby And it might as well be you..." " Oh, would that be asking too much?" " Why, of course not, no." " I mean two booms." " Oh, I see." "Yes." "♪ Oh, I want a lovin' baby And it might as well be you..." "Oh." "Oh, was that your drum?" "You couldn't sew it up, I don't suppose?" "No." "Oh." "Buy a new one, will you?" "Buy two, one for me." "I'm sure Lord Burnstead will forgive us for not waiting for him any longer." "He'll join us, I know, just as soon as he's finished his conversation on the telephone, which I'm sure must be terribly important." "Possibly a...a message from the King or possibly from the, er..." "Mayor of Canada." "Er...possibly." "Well, shall we begin?" "Why not?" "Go on, pitch in." "You come on in here where you can't spill drinks all over me." "Oh, I'm so sorry but I'm just not myself." "Now, you sit down and tell me what's the matter." "Come on." "Oh, I don't see how they can go on having a good time when maybe he's..." "Oh, you know." " Who?" "What are you talking about?" " Colonel Ruggles." "I think he jumped in the river." "No!" "Why should he want to do that?" "Oh, on account of a woman." "She treated him something awful." " Who told you that?" " I was there." "Oh, she said some terrible things to him and I just know that..." " Why, say, this is serious!" " That's what I say." "Well, we gotta get busy right away." " Oh, will you?" " Well, yes, I'll round up the boys." "Hey, fellers, look-a-here!" "Get on your hats and coats." "I got something for you to do." " It is a ghost!" "Oh, you didn't do it!" " Colonel Ruggles is missin'!" "Follow me." "We'll get going right away." "I..." "Er...well, the searching party's off." "Look-a-here, Bill, what's the idea of wandering' around scaring' women?" "I thought the Indians had got you, Ruggles." "Glad to see you." "I am glad to see you, my lord." "I'm sorry I wasn't at the station to meet you, my lord." "That's all right." "Er...might I have a word with you alone, my lord?" "Why, I should think so." "Why not?" "Come on, old timer, let's leave them alone." " I don't understand." " Get them a drink." "She tells me he's in the river and he ain't even wet." "Something wrong, Ruggles?" "I've had a terrible day, my lord, a...a terrific fight." " Oh." "Were you outnumbered?" " An even match, my lord." " A woman?" " No, my lord." "I was fighting with myself." " Did you win?" " A decisive victory, my lord." "Oh, stout feller!" "I didn't think you had it in you." "Er...you'll find me rather a changed man, my lord." "I don't know quite how to tell you but here in Red Gap I am considered important." "Quite a personage." "Yes, Colonel Ruggles, isn't it?" "Yes, my lord." "Colonel Marmaduke Ruggles of the Coldstream Guards." " A horrible mistake, my lord." " Quite, if there should be a war." "Yes." "Nevertheless, my lord, when people think you are someone, you begin to think you are." "That's what I've been fighting about with myself all day, my lord." "Am I someone or am I not?" "Well, I only just got here, you see, so I wouldn't know." "Oh, I am someone, my lord." "Oh, let me be the first to congratulate you." "How did you ever find it out?" "Ah." "You recollect an Abraham Lincoln, my lord?" "Oh, yes, fellow with the cherry tree." " Er...no, my lord." " Er...no?" "At any rate, my lord, I am genuinely sorry to have to tell you that I shall not be returning with you to London, I am remaining in Red Gap." "Oh, now, wait a minute, Ruggles." "It's no use, my lord." "My mind is made up." "I am entering trade, my lord, a restaurant." "Oh, it's no good for you, Ruggles." "You haven't got the background for trade." "Nevertheless, my lord, I intend to try." "Oh, I never knew you to be so obstinate before, really." "Still, something tells me that we'll be back in London." " Oh, excuse me." "Here are your drinks." " Oh." "Hm." "Well, here's to London." "Here is to The Anglo-American Grill, my lord." "Ha-ha." "Yes." "Oh!" "Mm, we should be all right." "Ready in ten minutes." " Oh, they love your meat sauce." " You mean our meat sauce." "Because I added a few drops of this and a little bit of that." "Did you?" " Colonel, are we dressed all right?" " Indeed, yes, sir." "Table for four." "Thank you." "Hello." " Hello, Egbert!" " Hello, George!" " You remember Effie, boys." " Howdy, Effie!" "Make way for a lady, you laughing hyenas!" "You're losing your petticoat, Ma!" "Hey, Sourdough, where did you get the lid?" "From Paris, France!" "Ain't it terrible?" "Hold onto that hat." "It cost me 20 dollars." "Hello, Maude." "Hello, Frank." " Hello...why, hello, Fred!" " Howdy, Sourdough." " How's everything?" "Hello, Soph." " How are you?" "Well, Bill, you're kinda dressed up, ain't you?" "Hello, Bill." "Where do you want us to squat?" "Heh-heh." "Yeah, ain't Bill moving' around, though, huh?" "Oh, Effie, where is Lord Burnstead?" "He must have been delayed." "He's a very busy man, you know." " Ruggles." " Yes, madam?" "Where's Lord Burnstead?" "I understood he was coming with you, madam." "He was but he didn't." "I can't understand it." "Lord Burnstead probably didn't care to come to a place like this." "A nice party this is going to be, without our guest of honour." "You don't know where George is, do you?" " Who, George?" " Shh." "George?" "No, I ain't seen George all day." "No, the left-hand side." "Look-a-here, Effie, you're taking this thing too much to heart." "Try a little of our meat sauce, sir." "Haven't you any catsup?" "Oh, never mind." "I'll eat when I get home." "What you want is..." "what you want is...is... some more of this imprisoned laughter of the pleasant maids of France." " What's wrong now?" " Nothing wrong with the food." "What happened?" "I suppose it's wrong to hate anybody, but I dislike Belknap-Jackson very much." "I'm gonna get you something for your nerves." " No, my nerves are quite all right." " Oh, but I am." "No, I'm all right." "Oh, Effie?" "Where can Lord Burnstead be?" "I told you he's a very busy man." "He's a man of affairs." " Have a good time." " Thanks a lot, old man." "Oh, Effie?" " Hi, Nell!" " Hello, Egbert!" "Hello, Nell!" "Well, Admiral!" "Say, where have you been?" " Effie's been looking for you." " Oh, dear." "I'm sorry." " Dear, oh, dear!" "I'm so sorry." " Yeah, sit down, sit down, Bill." " I have no excuse at all." " No?" "No." "It...it must have been the excitement, probably." " Excitement?" " Yes." "Do you believe in love at first sight?" " Oh, no, no." " No, no." "Neither did we but, er..." "Darling, just a minute." "I mean, look." "You see?" "Well, you old mossback, you." " Congratulations." " Thank you, old boy." "What's the matter with you, Nell?" "You been losing your mind?" " She's going to be my countess." " She's going to be a countess!" " Sit down, won't you?" "Come on!" " Yeah, Bill, let's have another chair." "Sit right down here, Admiral." "And, Nell, you sit right next to him there." "This is gonna be my party on account of my knowing Nell longer than anybody here." " Oh, Egbert?" " Yes." "Egbert, I'm going to be matron of honour and we're gonna have the wedding at our house." " Oh, sure." " Aren't we?" "Oh!" "Making a countess of a cheap dancer!" "I wouldn't say that if I were you, sir." " You what?" " I wouldn't say that if I were you, sir." "You're insulting, Ruggles." "I beg your pardon, but you were insulting, sir." "Not only were you insulting but you were eavesdropping." " That was quite unintentional, sir." " You're lying, Ruggles." " I wouldn't say that if I were you, sir." " I've stood enough from you." "Aren't you forgetting that you are nothing but a low, common shiner of boots?" "I'm not forgetting that I am proprietor of this place and as proprietor of this place I am politely asking you to leave, sir." " You what?" " I'm asking you to leave." "If I go, all the real people will leave with me." "If my success depends upon catering to people like you, sir, all I can say is..." "all I can say is, Mr Belknap-Jackson... all I can say is words fail me." " Ruggles!" "How dare you?" " It's quite all right, sir." " You can't...you can't do this to me!" " Quite all right, sir." " This is disgraceful." " Oh, sit down." "Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to say a few words to you about the proprietor Mr Ruggles." " So, I'm a failure?" " Oh, don't worry about it." "As I always say, it's always darkest before the dawn and every cloud has a silver lining and it never rains but what..." "Oh." " And I'm not worrying about it." " Oh, yes, you are." "Just look at you." "♪ For he's a jolly good fellow For he's a jolly good fellow..." "Well, they seem to love His Lordship." "His Lordship's a very happy man tonight." "He's marrying Nell Kenner." "Yeah." "Hey!" "Hey, Bill!" "Bill, come on, get in on this, will you?" "Come on." "Heh-heh!" "This is the biggest show Red Gap ever had." "♪ He's a jolly good fellow For he's a jolly good fellow" "♪Which nobody can deny... ♪Which nobody can deny Which nobody can deny..." "Why, you old plate of soup, they're singing it for you!" "What?" "My friends." "God bless you all." "♪ For he's a jolly good fellow For he's a jolly good fellow" "♪ For he's a jolly good fellow" "♪And so say all of us" "♪And so say all of us And so say all of us" "♪ For he's a jolly good fellow For he's a jolly good fellow" "♪ For he's a jolly good fellow Which nobody can deny" "♪Which nobody can deny Which nobody can deny" "♪ For he's a jolly good fellow For he's a jolly good fellow" "♪ For he's a jolly good fellow" "♪Which nobody can deny" "♪ For he's a jolly good fellow For he's a jolly good fellow" "♪ For he's a jolly good fellow" "♪And so say all of us" "♪And so say all of us And so say all of us" "♪ For he's a jolly good fellow For he's a jolly good fellow" "♪ For he's a jolly good fellow..."