"Hey, Hazel!" "Hey!" "Keep it down." "We're trying to watch "Oz" on HBO Olé." "Prison love is so much hotter in Spanish." "His manacles are saying, "no," but his eyes are saying, "si, si, si!"" "Grace, you've got popcorn all over your lap!" "Will, you don't have to" "I spilled some, too." "All right, now" "Now, no more TV till you clean your room." "You're a mean mom." "Look, Alison and Bob are staying here this weekend, and I'd just like to hide the fact that we live like rats in a bowling alley." "Ugh." "Not Alison and Bob." "I hate Alison and Bob." "Do I know Alison and Bob?" "Alison's my cousin from L.A." "She and her husband are gonna get married here in New York, so they're flying in to plan the wedding." "Ok." "So, let me get this gay... you have people coming over and they're staying here?" "Yeah." "Yet when I have people come over, they can't stay here?" "Right." "Am I crazy?" "Is any of this making sense to anyone?" "Anyone?" "It's simple, Jack." "My people are responsible and respectful, whereas your people have been known to pee in the corner." "I'm sorry." "Unlike your thighs, that argument doesn't retain water." "So now, here's your chance to make it up to me." "I have an aunt and uncle coming into town." "I'd put them up, but they're not attractive." "Can they stay here?" "Like you even have to ask." "Of course not." "You know what?" "I am sick of this!" "I don't know why I stay in this abusive relationship." "Oh, well, you must be Alison." "What was that?" "His mother accidentally dropped him on his head when he was a baby... and then again on purpose last week." "How are you, buddy?" "Good to see you." "I've haven't seen you in so long." "God, we have so much to catch up on." "You still a lawyer?" "Yeah." "You still an agent?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "And we're caught up." "Let me get you a beer." "Where's Alison?" "Oh, Ally can't fly for a couple days." "Ear infection." "Got it from the cat." ""Look, honey, Radford's licking my ear."" "Next thing you know, that ear is so full of pus that it's" "Oh, pus, good." "Got it." "Yeah, so you'll be" "You'll be planning the whole thing by yourself?" "Yeah, I registered for the gifts." "I'm really excited." "I'm so screwed." "I'm clueless without her." "I need a woman to help me." "Well, I'm pretty busy, but I can" "No, I meant a woman with, you know, woman parts." "Right." "Alison has taste and class and style." "Where am I gonna find a woman like that?" "Holy crap!" "I just found a huge ball of hair and dust under my night stand." "It was like pulling out my own head." "What?" "Is this your card?" "No." "Is this your card?" "No." "Is this your card?" "No." "Is this your card?" "No." "Is this your card?" "I can't remember." "That is so freaky, Karen." "How did you do that?" "Oh, sorry, honey." "A magician-- like a prostitute-- never reveals her tricks." "Karen, take me to lunch." "I'm in the mood for a Cobb salad with a side of thousand-dollar shopping." "Can't." "Will's coming over." "He's got something for me to sign." "Oh!" "Will!" "Do not say that name." "I am furious with him." "Furious, I tell you!" "Why?" "I can sum it up in one word" "He doesn't respect me." "Ooh, I've got a nice idea." "Why don't we be cold and bitchy to him?" "You know, like I was to the losers on the playground when I was a kid... and yesterday at Olivia's kick ball game." "That's brill." "We'll freeze Will out." "God, Karen, sometimes I love you so much I could conk you over the head with a coconut and drag you into my fireplace!" "Oh, honey..." "you're gonna make me pretend to cry." "That's so sweet." "Ok." "Karen, here's that paperwork we talked about." "It prevents your house staff from making any legal claims against you for mistreatment." "So, as long as God's looking the other way, we should be fine." "Oh, Jack, could you come here for a moment?" "What are you doing?" "Excuse me, we're talking!" "I hear all of Will's ties are made out of boogers." "I hear he got a boredom woody during study hall." "Oh, I get it." "You're bitchy school girls trying to snub me." "If only there was some way I could turn my pain into grim determination and become a wildly successful lawyer, while the two bitchy girls grow up to become two bitchy women." "Someone's got a big vocabulary, and a little dictionary." "Just give me a signature." "The sooner you get that over with, the sooner you two Heathers can get back to your heathering." "Hey!" "Listen!" "Don't you tell me what to do!" "Or I will rip you a new-- hold on a second." "You're reading The Marriage of Equals?" "!" "So am I." "You're reading The Marriage of Equals?" "Yes, honey, I love this book!" "Look, I can't put it down." "Me, neither!" "You know, I have been dying to talk to somebody about this book." "Oh." "Me, too." "You know, I was gonna have my staff read it, but I was worried that knowledge leads to freedom." "You know, that is so something Diane would say." "Oh, my--!" "Look, I gotta go, but, you know, if you ever want to get together and talk about the book, you just call me." "You know, honey, I think I will." "Ok." "I think your poodle needs to piddle." "Ok, here we go." "Why don't we start with something simple, like wine glasses." "Come on, Bob." "Ok." "You just-- just trust your instincts, ok?" "You know what Alison likes." "You cannot make a mistake." "I kind of like this set" "What?" "Uh, nothing." "Ok." "Oh, maybe this one's better" "I can't do it." "Take this." "Take it." "This is exactly why Alison doesn't like me." "Ok, but these are your gifts." "If there is anything that you do not like, you just-- you say it, ok?" "Ok." "Ok." "Now." "Now, see, I" " I think these are nice." "What do you think?" "Yeah." "Sure." "Ok." "Great, see?" "Oh!" "Oh!" "That's good." "Ok, um, and-- and you need some salad plates, 'cause they're the perfect size for Cinnabuns." "Ok." "Oh, serving plates?" "Such a scam." "No one ever uses them." "You need 6." "Ok." "Ok." "Oh!" "Ok." "Toaster, roaster, coaster, shmo-ster." "Ok, I'm not delusional." "I know it's a blender." "I just had a thing going." "Wrap him up." "I'll take him to go." "Hey, Will." "Hey, Grace." "Karen... this isn't Grace." "This is a bag of garbage." "Oh, silly me." "How could I make that mistake... twice." "Hey, so where are you in the book?" "Oh!" "Diane just found out about Mark's affair." "Wait till you find out who it's with." "Oh, honey, I know who it's with!" "You think you do, but you don't." "It's not" "Uh-uh." "Is it" "Maybe." "Oh!" "You little book tease." "No, but listen, though." "I really have to ask you something." "I did not understand the part where Diane blacked out in the middle of an argument, and woke up spooning her maid." "What--?" "She didn't, you did." "Yeah, that makes more sense." "Hey..." "listen, you want to come in?" "I could open up a bottle of wine, talk about the book." "Honey, that's a nice idea." "Thank you." "I'm coming down, anyway, so it'll make for a nice, soft landing." "Oh, hey, Kar." "Come on, let's go." "We're gonna go to Bea Arthur's one-woman show and yell out "Maude!"" "Oh." "Right." "That's ok." "We'll do it another time." "Oh, but honey, I'm dying to find out about Diane and Mark." "It is so great." "At one point in the argument, I mean, you're totally on Diane's side." "And then it turns, and you find yourself completely sympathizing with Mark." "It's exactly the way I felt about the Meg Ryan/Dennis Quaid relationship." "God, are you guys still talking about that stupid book?" "I swear, the way you go on about it, you'd think it had pictures of naked men frolicking." "Does it?" "All right, I knew it was stupid." "Come on, Karen, let's go." "We're gonna be late." "Honey, honey, honey." "I'm gonna take a rain check, ok?" "I just really need to find out about this one part." "But I don't want to go the show alone." "Well, uh, here, take Grace." "Ok, invitations?" "Done." "Flowers?" "Done." "And I've narrowed it down to two bands-- either a Kool and the Gang tribute band or Kool and the Gang." "Now, about the cake?" "Yeah." "Can we go back to the flowers just for a second?" "Why?" "I just wasn't sure about the calla lilies." "I am." "Ok." "Ok, now, the cake." "I have samples from six bakeries." "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "Is there ice cream cake?" "Yeah." "We're gonna have it right under the piñata." "What is this, your 10th birthday?" "No, no." "You are going to love these." "Ok, here we go." "Oh, are they good?" "Oh, fantastic." "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh, my God." "Oh, carrot cake." "Boo." "Oh, hello, Will." "Perfect timing." "I'm picking out my cake!" "Slow down there, Augustus Gloop." "You don't want to get sucked up into the pipe." "Sorry." "I say we go for the chocolate." "Oh, wait." "Alison's allergic to chocolate." "They can make her a fruit plate." "Oh, that is so good." "All right, I need milk." "You, uh..." "you ok there, Bob?" "Oh, yeah, yeah." "Grace is amazing." "Although she can get a little scary." "Don't tell her I said that." "Yeah, just hold on-- hold on a sec." "What?" "I'm gonna finish it." "You having fun planning the wedding?" "Yeah." "You're doing a great job." "Thanks." "It's gonna be a lot easier when Alison gets here." "Who?" "That's what I thought." "I know it's just a book signing, but I had the hardest time trying to figure out what to wear." "I must have changed my shirt, like, 8 times." "I guess I just want her to like me." "I don't know why." "What are you doing?" "Oh, I can't remember which one of these I put the booze behind." "Karen, this isn't your home, this is" "Oh, here we go." "Ahh, yes." "Right here in self help." "Hi, everybody." "I'm Rita Pigeon." "Thank you." "And thank you for coming out today and supporting my book." "I hope you all appreciate the irony of my title, The Marriage of Equals." "My editor didn't think it would sell as well if I used my original title, Women Are Just Better." "She's funny." "Now, before I read, are there any questions?" "Honey, I want to ask one." "Ok." "Hi, my name is Anastasia Beaverhausen." "Tell me, did you intend the reader to have an erotic reaction to the grizzly murder of the well-muscled handyman?" "Did you have one?" "I had 3." "Then yes." "Uh, sir, you had a question?" "Karen, what are you doing here?" "We had important plans to go get bikini waxes." "Poodle, not now." "Yes, now!" "I've been steaming my genitals all day." "It cuts down the irritation on my wenis." "Come on, let's go." "She wants to stay." "She wants to go." "She wants to stay." "She wants to go." "She wants to stay." "Now, go faster and talk dirty." "What?" "Oh, suddenly, you know what's best for her?" "What, you couldn't go find a real person to hang out with, so you get Karen?" "I'm sorry, sir, do you have a question?" "Yes, sir, I have a question." "Why does your book tear people apart?" "I don't think it does." "I think it does." "Maude!" "Maybe you could be a little more specific in your analysis." "Oh, don't try to confuse us by speaking French." "Because of your book, my two friends have formed this sick little club... and I've tried everything to get back with them." "I even came this close to reading the damn thing!" "So tell me, sir, how many more people's lives do you intend to ruin with your-- with your writing and your poorly selected jacket photo?" "Jack" "It's too late!" "Hey, Bob, it's me." "I'm at the bridal shop." "Where are you?" "Really?" "What are you doing?" "No." "No morning coats." "No." "No ascots." "No." "No tails." "Ok, sweetie?" "You pick out whatever you want, as long as it rhymes with regular tuxedo." "Ok." "Bye." "Hi." "I am here to pick up a veil-- Alison Polette." "Here you go." "They really did a lovely job." "Yeah, they did." "Want to try it on with the dress?" "Oh, I--I couldn't." "That wouldn't be right." "I'm not even the" " Where's the dressing room?" "Right back there." "Oh, hi." "Hi." "Hi." "Um, I'm Mona, and-- and this is Lucy." "And we're not sure what her name is." "She got her jaw wired shut so she could fit into her dress." "Um, uh, so where do I, uh" "You go behind the screen." "Oh." "Ok." "So, when's the wedding?" "Oh, August 10th." "His mother's birthday." "And maybe we'll cut the umbilical cord on that day, too." "Oh, honey, I don't know what we're gonna do about Jack." "What are you talking about?" "He's a grown man." "He's just gonna have to accept the fact that we're friends." "What?" "Honey, you called us friends." "Well, we are friends." "Oh!" "Oh." "Oh, that's rich." "Come on!" "A friend is someone you gossip about and make out with when your husband's in the hospital." "We just read the same book." "What do you we were-- we were hanging out, having fun." "You showed me your boobs." "Honey, I show everyone my boobs." "Ok?" "I showed Ed Koch my boobs at Starbucks the other day." "Back off, desperado!" "Well, maybe you were too boozed out to notice, but we had a relationship going!" "Save it, lady." "I wouldn't be friends with you if you were the last woman on earth!" "Why am I even trying to be friends with you, anyway?" "No matter how many uppers you take, you're still a downer." "Bitch!" "Witch!" "Ho!" "Mo!" "Will, thanks for bringing me down here!" "I know I missed out on everything, but at least I can get fitted for my wedding dress!" "Yeah." "You're talking really loudly." "I think your ears are still plugged." "What?" "!" "Oh, my god!" "That dress makes her look like a cow!" "Ok, now you're-- now--now you're screaming." "Everybody can hear you." "Uh, let me handle this." "We're here to pick up a veil for Alison Polette." "Oh, Alison's here already." "She's trying on a dress." "Oh, jeez." "There's cheese here?" "Uh, Grace, are you in there?" "I hope you're not doing- -anything crazy." "Hi." "What do you think?" "You look beautiful." "Really?" "I think it needs to be taken in." "Yeah." "Honey, I think maybe you need to be taken in." "Sweetie, look" " Look at me." "You're not getting married." "I know." "I'm never gonna wear one of these things, am I?" "Sweetie." "You're a beautiful, intelligent woman, and somewhere out" "Don't give me the stock, best friend response." "Be honest." "This may never happen for me." "You know what?" "It-- It may not." "Thank you for telling me the truth." "You're welcome." "Damn, that was harsh." "What were you thinking?" "What?" "But-- You just ask me to" "I don't care." "You know me better than that." "The next time I ask you to tell me the truth, you give me the stock best friend response." "Ok." "You're beautiful, you're gonna meet a doctor tomorrow, and you'll be married by the weekend." "Thank you." "Hi!" "You must be Grace." "I'm Alison." "Hi." "Hi." "Thank you so much for everything." "Bob's pretty useless, isn't he?" "Is that my dress?" "Uh, yeah, I'm taking this right off" "You know, it's ok, it's ok." "I get it." "My older sister's single." "I'll wait outside." "So, are you gonna take that off willingly, or do I have to rip it off you like a Benny Hill sketch?" "Just two more minutes?" "Oh, sweetie..." "No." "Thanks."