"So I'm buying this bag and the lady tells me there's extra pockets inside to keep my kid's snacks in." "And I'm like, "Does this body look like it's had a child, bitch?"" "So she calls her manager and" "And you make out with him so he looks the other way and you steal the bag." "Patrick, I told everybody at the beginning of session if you interrupt and don't have something deeply personal to say... ahem-- ...you have to suffer the consequences." " Stick out your tongue." " Not the habañero sauce." "Rules are rules." "Tongue." "( groaning )" "Now, here's the antidote, but you don't get it until you say something personal and revealing." "My father never loved me." "Something we don't know." "I write erotic fan fiction based on old reruns of "The Facts of Life."" "Not good enough." "Last night Tootie made Blair wear a saddle." "That's milk worthy." "( whispers ) Send me a copy." "Hey, Charlie." "Oh, sorry, I thought you'd be done by now." "I just came by to tell Nolan that I sold all 16 of your grandmother's silver teakettles on eBay in three hours." "That's great." "I really need the cash." "I'm always saying to my pot dealer," ""I don't know where all my money goes."" " That's all." "I'm gonna go." " Too late." "New rules." "When you interrupt my group, you get habañero sauce on your tongue." "You gotta be kidding me." "Tongue." "( whimpering )" "Now, to get the milk, say something personal and revealing." "My ex-husband cheated on me with the babysitter and he's a dick." "Very good, no names, please." "Ahem." "Where were we?" "You were fixing to wind up the session." "No, I wasn't." "We still have, like, 20 minutes left." "It was worth a try." "Hey, Charlie." "Sorry to interrupt." "Your girlfriend's gotta do it, too." "I'm sorry, sweetie." "Anybody who interrupts the group has to put hot sauce on their tongue." "Oh, all right." "Anyway, I got great news." "I got the permit from the city for my halfway house." "Well, congratulations." "Hey, guys, Sasha is opening up a place where prostitutes can live so they're not on the streets." "Damn, how do you do that?" "Your eyes aren't even watering." "Oh." "I had this freaky client from Japan who used to pay big bucks to watch me eat ghost peppers." "( exhales ) So, yeah, this?" "It's nothing." "Your girlfriend is such an inspiration for women everywhere." "I mean, who would've thought you could make money by eating food in front of Japanese businessmen?" "Clearly, you missed the point." "I'll cut you in on my teakettle money if you look me in the eye while you eat a bag of potato chips." "Okay." "All right, guys." "Next week, if you go off on a tangent, you have to snort a line of wasabi." "I will not be defeated." "So great news about the halfway house." "Well, actually, I'm a little nervous." "I told the girls to cut ties with their pimps and that I'd take them to the new place tonight." "Well, what's there to be nervous about?" "I mean, pimps are usually pretty understanding people, right?" "Well, the contractor just called and the halfway house isn't gonna be ready for two days." "So they've got nowhere to stay." "Okay, now I'm getting nervous." "Come on, Charlie." "It'd only be a couple of days." "Please?" "I don't know." "Where are they gonna sleep?" "I don't have enough towels." "And they can't even eat cereal for breakfast because I just used up all my milk." "Please?" "All right, fine." "(thememusicplaying)" "Ladies, ladies, look." "I know that you all just got here, but please stop using my Vaseline." "Especially after you've been eating cheese puffs." "I bet it was Kimmy." "You know she got them alligator elbows." "Which are, mysteriously, cheese puff-free." "I got sandwiches, everybody." "You cut the crust off their sandwiches?" "You don't have to coddle them." "Angelina's eating cheese puffs dipped in Vaseline." "I just want them to know they're cared for." "Truth is, they're just lost little girls." " I'll cut you, bitch." " Screw you, whore." "I think I know why no one's trying to find them." "You don't even know how to play the game." " Don't touch me." " Hey, hey, hey." "What's going on?" "Nikki picked up the eight ball, asked it a question and shook it." "When you touch the balls, you forfeit the game." " Is that true, Charlie?" " Uh, well, yeah, those are the rules." "Ah." "I'm gonna kill you as soon as you fall asleep." "I understand." "All right, you handle this." "I'm gonna go find a weapon and drink a case of Red Bull." "(phonechimes)" "Charlie, wait." "I just got a text from my mom." "There has been a terrible accident." " What happened?" " Well, her neighbor has this chimpanzee" "Oh, no." "I've heard about this." "She offered the monkey some food and it tore her face off?" "No, no." "It's the monkey's birthday and she went to get it a card and she fell in the store and hit her head." "When are people going to learn that these are wild animals that don't care about cards?" " I mean, is she okay?" " She might have to have surgery" " and I've got to go." " Well, of course you do... in a couple of days when all the girls are out of the house, right?" "I know it is a lot to leave you with." "You're the only one I trust to look after them." " So, will you do it?" " Yeah, I'll be fine." "It's just me and a house full of hookers." "I've been training for this moment my whole life." "Hey, Charlie." "Your car's parked out on your front lawn." " How the hell did it get there?" " That's where I left it." " You took my car?" " Don't accuse me like that." "Yes, I did." "If my pimp's not gonna drive me around anymore," "I need to learn how." "I did good, too." "I only hit two of your neighbors' mailboxes." ""Char-wie," it's my turn in the shower." "I'm scared to be "a-wone" up there." "Would you come in with me?" "Yeah, look, it'd be different if I wasn't with Sasha or if I was completely deaf." "But I'm sorry, that's not gonna happen." "( moans ) Okay, well, if you change your mind and you wanna join me... ( in normal voice) I will rock your world." "There's a hard "R." I knew you could do it." "Good call." "That bitch is crazy." "Hello." "What's the deal with all the women?" "They're a bunch of hookers who don't hook anymore." "Oh, no." "What happened?" "Apparently the American dream of selling your body on the street to strangers doesn't pan out for everyone." " Sasha dumped 'em on me." " Listen, I hope you can get away because a buddy of mine who manages The Roxy told me that the Rolling Stones are playing a secret show there tonight." "The Roxy?" "That place is tiny." "That close we could definitely steal a vial of whatever's making Keith Richards immortal." "Dude, it's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity." "Nobody even knows about it." "They're playing under the name "Ruby Tuesdays."" "Oh, it's-- it sounds awesome, but I can't." "I promised Sasha I'd keep an eye on the girls until she got back." "All right, so you're gonna miss the greatest rock band in the world to not bang five hookers?" "Look, I got to do the responsible thing here." "Trick Jordan into watching them so I can go to the concert." "Those girls will eat her alive." "You're right, you're right, but she's the only person I know who definitely will not have plans on a Saturday night." "Hey, Jordan." "What are you doing tonight?" "Oh, really?" "(knockingon door)" "Coming." "Hey, Nolan." "What are you doing here?" "I won't have your money for a couple days." "It's not that." "I figured out why the teakettles sold so quickly." "Oh, I know why, Nolan." "It's because I put the word "rare" in the description." "Yeah, it could be that." "Or it could be because every picture of a teakettle has a reflection of your naked boobs." "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God." "It was, uh, hot." "I was cleaning the house." "I took my shirt off and then I decided to take the pictures and" " I feel so stupid!" " Oh, don't feel bad." "People make mistakes like this on eBay a lot." "I've seen boobs reflected in cars, toasters, mirrors." "Sometimes you have to spend a whole day looking." "No!" "I was gonna start a business." "They sold so fast, I thought silver teakettles were gonna be the next big thing." "Well, it's not like you went out and bought" " 500 silver teakettles." " That's true." "I bought 386." "And I can't return them because I bought them all at flea markets and estate sales." "I maxed out all my credit cards." "What am I gonna do?" "Wow." "Too bad your boobs weren't reflected in something less expensive." "Like a spoon." "(knockingon door)" "Hi...?" "Did Frankie B. send you here with the stuff?" "I don't know what you're talking about." "Then I don't either." " Sorry about that." " Charlie, what is going on?" "Why did you make me rush over here?" "Who are all these women?" "Sasha's opening a safe house for streetwalkers and, uh, they're staying here for a few days." "Wow, a house full of prostitutes." "How many falling stars did you have to wish on to get this?" "Anyway, I figured since one day we're gonna open a clinic in a women's prison, this would be a great opportunity for us to learn." "And you included me?" "Well, of course." "We're a team." " We'll always be together and-- - ( phone honks )" "Sorry." "Oh, no." "Bad text." "What's wrong?" "My dad fell and hit his head at a monkey's birthday party." "He's gonna have to have emergency surgery." "I gotta go." "I'll see you in a few hours." "Charlie, you can't leave me alone with these women." "You'll do great." "Everybody, this is Jordan." "She's gonna take my spot for a few hours." "See y'all soon." "Okay." "Hey, everybody." "Who's up for a team-building exercise?" "Like, I don't know." "How about we make some brownies?" "Anybody allergic to nuts?" "No, but I am allergic to perky-ass little white girls." "So nuts are okay, then?" "I'm so happy you saw our ad on Craigslist." "Yeah, I'm just happy it was actually teakettles." "Sometimes you open the door and it's just a guy wagging his" "I'm just happy it's teakettles." "You know, you remind me so much of my grandma." "For old times' sake, would you mind telling me that I'm an embarrassment to the family?" "So, uh, look around." "The prices are all negotiable." "No." "No." "No..." "Uh, how about this one?" "It's only $5." "Don't push me." "No, no, no." "No, no, oh... tell me about this one." "It's a teakettle." "Don't sass me." "Who was the first owner?" "Was he white?" "What?" " Why does that matter?" " I'm looking for Chinese." "Asians take better care of their teakettles." "Oh, why didn't you say so?" "I got one right here owned by a nice Chinese family." "They took very good care of it." "$20." "I'll give you 50 cents." "You're a liar." "Okay, get out." "Nolan, you should probably leave, too." "You're gonna take your top off and take dirty teakettle pictures, aren't you?" "I have so many of these damn things," "I don't know what else to do." "I feel terrible for you." "The only thing I can offer is to take pictures of my naked body and the teakettles, too." "You know, Nolan, I don't think people really wanna see your junk reflected on a teakettle." "( sighs ) I guess you're right." "Uh, but, uh, on the other hand," "I need to expand my fan base." "Why don't you take five home, knock yourself out?" " Thanks!" " All right." "See?" "I told you we could do it." "Four batches later and we've got brownies." "Jordan, it's hard to spread icing with a spoon." "Well, you proved you can't be trusted with a knife." "Well, you're the one who pulled a knife on us." "I lost my patience and I apologize for that." "But now that we've bonded like this, you guys are like my sorority sisters." "Were they a bunch of whores, too?" "They slept with a few more men than you guys did, so, yeah." "Why don't you guys put on a movie while I clean up?" "You know I went to Harvard." "You did?" "You were accepted there?" "Oh, no." "I drove there and had sex with the professors." "Those guys spend a lot of money on prostitutes." "A lot." "I went to Stanford, too." "So, you were in a sorority, huh?" "You know I was talking to Sasha." " I'm gonna go to college." " Good for you, Angelina." "That is so brave." "I mean, just getting into college is tough." "Buthereis  theirony." "Those kids coming out of college, they can't get jobs." " It's crazy, right?" " Huh?" "But college is amazing." "Of course it takes the rest of your life to pay back your loans." "I'm still paying mine." " Huh?" " But you will." "Just don't try to skip out." "You think a pimp will come after you for not paying?" "Try avoiding the student loan people." "Those guys bitch-slapped me pretty good." " Huh?" " But you know what?" "Everything's ahead of you." "Nothing's impossible." "Oh, we should watch "Pretty Woman."" "You guys can nitpick all the little things that are wrong with the story." "It'll be fun." " You are an idiot." " Oh, come on." "They called themselves the "Ruby Tuesdays."" "That sounds like the perfect code name for the Rolling Stones." "It also sounds like the perfect code name for a bunch of guys who work at Ruby Tuesday's doing covers of Rolling Stones songs." "Whatever." "You gotta admit that busboy had a really nice voice." "Dude, dude, there's a reason they still work at a place that sells deep-fried pretzel burgers to truckers." "I gotta hit the head." "Oh, quick question for you." "Any chance "Chili's"" " are the code name for the Red Hot Chili" " No!" "Oh, thank God you're here." " How's your dad?" " My dad?" "Oh, oh, oh, you can't even tell he hurt his head." "But it caused a short-term memory loss." "So, don't bring it up to him." "He won't even know what you're talking about." " Where are all the girls?" " Oh, they're upstairs sleeping." "Except for one." "Angelina." "What, is she watching TV eating a peanut butter and petroleum jelly sandwich?" " Uh, she's gone." " What?" "I was giving her a pep talk on how hard life is." "I don't know what happened." "You talked to her." "That's what happened." "People run away from you when you talk to them." "The other girls think she went back to her old neighborhood to turn tricks." "Ah, I gotta go find her before Sasha gets home." "Promise me you won't talk to any more of these girls?" "I need them to all still be here when I get back." "You're sure this is Angelina's block?" "That's what the girls said." "Is that her?" "Angelina!" "Man:" "I'm whoever you want me to be, baby." "Dude in a skirt." "Dude in a skirt." "Boy, that's proof, isn't it?" "Everybody looks good in thigh-high boots." "Wait a minute, over there." "That's her." "Stop the car." "All right, wait, wait, hold-- just-- just remember if she starts taking off her earrings, puff yourself up." "Make yourself look bigger." "Or play dead." "Whatever you would do with a bear." "You ram it with your car." "Be ready." " Angelina." " Keep walking your dumb ass down the block." "Down by the truck scales, you could probably turn a couple of tricks." "Make $30." "Look, I know you talked to Jordan." "I understand that that could send anyone screaming out the door." "Damn straight." "But the truth is you're way better off with Sasha." "You don't wanna be doing this in a couple of years" " when you're 40." " I'm 27!" "( scoffs ) Okay." "Then you don't wanna be doing this for another 13 years." "Look, this is the only thing I'm good at, so get outta here and let me do my job." "No, it's way too dangerous out here." "Look, there's a cop over there, so if you don't come home with me now," "I'm gonna flag him down and tell him that you're hooking'." " Go ahead." " Officer." "This lady was soliciting me." " Is that true, Angelina?" " No." "He was trying to get me back to his place." " Is that true?" " Yes, but let me explain." "I've got a bunch of hookers back there." "Oh, really?" "Turn around." "No, no, no, no." "See, my girlfriend brought them to my place and she has big plans for them." "Sounds like fun." "Turn around." "No, no, no, you don't understand." "I was just supposed to watch them and make sure that none of them got away." "You know what?" "I'm just gonna turn around." "I really like your dream board, Dillon." "So it seems what you're envisioning for your future is a lot of sugar." "I got a bit of a sweet tooth myself." "Nah, I want cocaine." "They didn't have any pictures of cocaine, so I used sugar." "But I want cocaine." "I'll just take the glue." "I could make that work." "Oh, good." "They let you out of jail." " Who's this?" " Can't talk." "Sasha's right behind me." "I saw her getting off the freeway." "Lost Angelina." "This is Tammy, a replacement hooker." "Get out of here." "Thanks for everything except for losing Angelina." "That sucked." " Hey, Charlie." " Hey, Sasha." "( laughs ) How's your mom doing?" "Much better." "Who's this?" "Uh, this is Tammy." "She's taking Angelina's place." "Angelina decided that she wanted to join the Peace Corps, so I pulled some strings and she's on a plane to Guatemala right now." "Really?" "So it's adios, Angelina, and hola, Tammy." "And hola, Angelina." "What the hell are you doing here?" "It's okay, Charlie." "Angelina told me everything." "Yeah, the fact that you came looking for me made me realize I must be worth something." "Plus, it started raining." "So everything worked out." "We're cool and you got yourself a new team member." "Wait, Angelina?" "Dead-eyed Pete's ho?" "You blowed up, girl." "You better shut your face, you sleestak-looking bean head, or I'll cut you." "You're up."