"[ giggles ] Ben..." "Okay, well, now I'm having a french fry." "And now I'm dipping it in ketchup." "Wow, this would make an amazing movie." "Tina, would you shut up?" "I haven't talked to Ben all day." "We have important things to discuss." "Did I tell you they were crinkle fries?" "No way, no way." "No way." "Hello?" "Hello." "Oh, man, I lost him." "Aw, you didn't get to tell him about your pickle." "All right, Tina, I'm sorry." "I know that I've been a little nauseating lately, and if this were you doing it," "I'd totally be grossed out, too, but..." "I think that I'm ready to tell Ben I love him." " Are you serious?" " Mm-hmm." "You have never told any guy that you loved him." " This is huge." " I know." "And I don't know how I want to do it." "I mean, this is something I want to remember forever." "The time, the place..." "I want everything to be perfect." "Oh, my God, this is so cool." "We're both in love." "You have Ben, and as soon as my boss divorces his wife," "I'll have him." "Tina, Ben and I have a healthy love." "You love your boss who loves his wife." "And thinks your name is Tammy." "Tammy, Lisa, Steve... he's talking to me." "[ cellular phone rings ]" "Hello?" "Oh, my God, I always lose reception there, too." "Hello?" "Oh, actually, I have another call." "Hold on." "Hello?" "Hi, it's me." "You suck!" "I'm leaving." "Now, wait..." "I'm sorry." "You're pretty!" "Okay, so, where are you now?" "Uh, I just got to the diner, and there's this gorgeous girl standing in front of me who I just have to kiss." "Okay, bye." "Sit." "So, um, I was thinking, maybe later we could do something kind of special, just you and me, like maybe go to that place in Central Park we went the first time you were here." "Oh, the place where they found that dead homeless guy?" "Yeah, or maybe we could just go to your place." "I'll bring a candle." "Okay." "And maybe I could play you my new song?" "Oh, my God, you did it?" "Let me hear." "Not to sway you, but I think it's fantastic." "So, what do you think?" "You know, I think that I'm gonna go upstairs and listen to it by myself." "Oh, okay, you'll call me?" "The minute I'm finished." "Okay." "[ gasps ] Oh, my God, the intro is amazing!" "Oh, my God, isn't it the worst song ever?" "He's from the same country as the Beatles?" "âª You really know how to dance âª âª When you go up, down, jump around âª âª Talk about true romance âª âª Yeah âª" "âª Keep on whispering in my ear âª âª Tell me all the things that I wanna hear âª âª 'Cause it's true âª âª What I like âª" "âª That's what I like about you âª âª What I like âª âª That's what I like about you âª âª What I like about you âª" "âª That's what I like about you âª âª What I like about you âª âª That's what I like about you âª âª What I like about you âª" "âª That's what I like about you âª âª What I like about you âª âª That's what I like about âª âª Hey âª" "âª Uh-huh âª âª Uh-huh âª âª That's what I like about you âª" "What should I do?" "How can I look into Ben's beautiful eyes and tell him his song sucks?" "I mean, do I do it after I tell him I love him or before?" "Wait, you love him?" "Oh, my God, she loves him!" "That is so beautiful." "Well, it was a lot more beautiful when his song didn't suck." "You really love him?" "Yeah, but how do I tell him I love him and hate his song?" "Lie!" "Lie, lie, lie!" "You tell him you love him and that his song made you love him even more!" "Trust me, I was honest with a guy once and ended up spending New Year's Eve home alone with my doughnut maker." "What kind of garbage are you telling the girl?" "Oh, I forgot." "Glenda the Good Witch is here." "Holly, do not listen to her, all right?" "Relationships are built on honesty and trust, and if you can't be honest with Ben, then you have nothing." "Now be gone before someone drops a house on you." "Hey, when did you get that fancy espresso maker?" "Oh, uh, it's Rick's." "He's been dropping some of his stuff over all morning." "Ooh, and you're letting his black espresso maker mix with your white toaster?" "Hey, your sister is growing." "And besides, if black and white didn't mix, we would not have Halle Berry." "We are getting married in a few weeks." "I have to learn to live with his stuff." "What's the big deal?" "Okay, well, since you're so fine with it, let's see what else Rick has in his box." "Oh, the always elegant... bobble head." "And, um, oh, a framed poster of a chimp on a toilet." "Oh, God, I married Fred Flintstone." "Just put it back in the box." "Okay, are you sure you're gonna be honest with Rick?" "Yes, just like you should be honest with Ben." "What the hell is wrong with you two?" "Val is 21 days away from the altar." "She has the right to lie, steal, falsify documents to cross that finish line!" "Lauren, no, I am not hanging "chimp on toilet."" "I will tell Rick the truth as soon as I find the right moment." "[ fake British accent ] Well... is this my new home?" "Uh, honey, who -- who's the little formal man?" "Isn't he great?" "It's the first piece of art I ever bought." "Huh." "There was an artist involved." "It's functional art." "He's a beer butler." "I named him Fred..." "or Frederika." "Depends on how many beers he's served me." "So, what do you think?" "Yeah, Val..." "Tell Rick what you think of the little fella." "Honey... to be honest with you, um, I don't think Fred fits in here." "Oh." "Okay." "Well, I appreciate your honesty." "Thank you for understanding." "But he's staying." "I'm sorry." "What?" " He's staying." " He's staying." "Yeah, I heard what he said." "Okay, uh, look, Rick, no, he cannot stay because, see, I'm kinda going for, uh, like a contemporary modern thing here, and he is contemporary..." "ugly." "Okay, first of all, he has a name." "And secondly, we talked about this." "I mean, you told me you were gonna share your space with me." "Yes, and I'm going to, but I like to have... nice stuff in my place." "Your place." "Our place." "My stuff." "Okay, we heard that." "You know?" "And just so you know, when you marry me, you're also getting Fred, and if you can't handle that, well, you know what, now is a good time to tell me." "This honesty thing sucks." "From this moment on," "Ben's song -- brilliant." "Up high, girlfriend." "Are you actually gonna let a little, ugly wooden man come between us?" "Are you?" "Oh, my God." "I..." "I..." "I... you " "Okay, I'm leaving." "When you're ready to live like a real couple and form whole words, call me." "Hey, wait, I have an idea." "Why don't you let your little butler open the door for you?" "He's a beer butler." "That's all he does." "Yeah, well, he better do more than that, because that's who you're gonna be sleeping with." "You really liked it?" "Liked it?" "I loved it!" "Your song was amazing." "I knew it." "Thank you." "What was your favorite part?" "The end." "Hey, where are you going?" "Oh, I have to go." "But I have something to tell you." "I brought the candle." "Do you remember that producer we met at CBGB?" "I told him I'd send him my new song." "He said if he likes it, we can record it in his studio, but I wanted to make sure you liked it first." "Oh, um..." "I've only got eight minutes to overnight it so he'll have it for the weekend." "But, Ben, don't you think you should wait " "This is huge, Holly." "I don't know how to thank you." "Okay, but, Ben " "What's Queen Elizabeth so excited about?" "He's about to send a tape to this producer, and it could ruin his career!" "What should I do?" "Dump him." "What?" "What?" "Go after him!" "Why, what'd you hear?" "Ben!" "Hey." "Hey." "Holly, did you come down here to wish me luck?" "I love that about you." "Yeah." "Oh, my God, Ben, look." "Can you save my place?" "Wait, isn't that the busboy from our diner?" "[ gasps ] First, putting his finger in my soup, and now murder?" "We need to alert the authorities." "Come on, let's go." "Holly, Holly, you're very funny, but I really have to get this mailed." "No, no, wait, Ben, you can't send this song." " Why not?" " Because it's not good." "You said you loved it." "I lied." "What do you mean you lied?" "I'm sorry, I wanted to tell you the truth, but then Rick came over and brought over a little wooden man and then " "Holly, what kind of relationship can we possibly have" " if you're not gonna be honest with me?" " A long one?" " You think that's funny?" " No." "Okay, that's another lie, because I did think that was kind of funny." "How am I ever supposed to trust you if you lie to me?" "Ben, no...wait." "I'm sorry." "[ muttering ]" "Okay, the mumble -- kinda irritating." "Okay, you -- kinda fired." "Don't take your anger out on me." "If you had lied in the first place like I told you, you never would've had your stupid fight with Rick." "I'll tell you whose fault it is... his." "You stupid little man!" "You know what?" "I wish you were never carved!" "Oh, hey, hey, what are you doing?" "!" "Run, Fred, run!" "Okay, Val, stop." "Are you sure you wanna throw that metaphor for your relationship off the balcony?" "Yes, I hate this wooden piece of crap!" "Hey, Valerie, stop!" "Now, look at yourself." "Look what you are doing." "Now, no one has to get hurt here." "Just release the boy and slowly back away." "Oh, God." "Lauren, wh-what is wrong with me?" "What am I doing?" "Well, I'd rather not answer that when we're so close to the edge." "No, you're right." "I should welcome Rick's stuff into my life because they're part of Rick, the man I love." "I don't wanna be sick." "I wanna be happy, Lauren." "That's what I'm gonna do." "I am gonna call Rick, and I am going to apologize and welcome Freddy " "Freddy?" "Freddy!" "Oh, my God!" "Call a carpenter!" "Hey, if Ben is here, tell him he doesn't have to talk to me, I just came to get my purse!" "He's not here." "What's up?" "Are you guys fighting?" "Yeah, it's my fault." "I lied about his song, but I only did it so I wouldn't hurt his feelings." "Ben's pretty hung up on that whole honesty thing, isn't he?" "Well, hello." "Hi." "Oh." "Fiona." "I want you to meet a friend of mine." "This is Holly, Ben's girlfriend." "Holly, this is Fiona..." "Ben's wife." "I'm sorry." "What?" "Oh, no, you heard it right." "I'm sorry." "Ben's wife?" "Ben's married?" "[ groans ]" "I am so sorry you had to find out like this." "[ sighs ] Come here." "Holly, don't bum out." "I haven't seen Benjy in, like, two years." "So, how did you two kids meet, anyway?" "Well, I was on vacation in London and I met Benjy at a club, and one drink led to another, and the next thing you know, we're driving to Bristol, which is like their Vegas, and we got hitched." "Ha ha ha." "That's right, you told me that." "Isn't that kinda how you met Benjy?" "No." "No, no, no, no, no." "I met Ben in a pub." "They met in a club." "Pub, club, pub, club -- very different." "You know what, Vince?" "Would you mind... giving me a minute alone with Mrs. Benjy's wife?" "Okay, I'll go, but I just want you to remember that Fiona here is merely a victim, much like yourself." "The true villain is Ben." " Get out." " Okay." "You should dump him." " What?" " What?" "I said you and Ben should work it out." "Why, what'd you hear?" "[ cellular phone rings ]" "Yo." "Dude, you're never gonna believe who's in our apartment." "Ben has a wife?" "What?" "And apparently, she's hot." "How perfect is this?" "They're gonna fight," "Holly's gonna need someone to comfort her -- me -- who will pick up her favorite dessert, bring it over to her -- gotta go." "Hey!" "What's wrong, mate?" "You lost your smile." "Yeah, Holly and I had a little fight." "Well, then you get in there and make up with her." "Hello." "Did you come by to apologize?" "Oh, there's going to be an apology." "Benjy..." "Oh, my damn." "Fiona, wh " "What a surprise." "What are you doing here?" "Oh, she just stopped by to say hi." "'Cause, you know, she's your wife!" "She's not my wife." "Well, she was my wife for, like, what, 48 hours, but then we got divorced." "Um, actually, that's why I'm here." "You see, I'm getting married again, and I sort of forgot to file the divorce papers." "I know." "If it wasn't screwed on..." "You are unbelievable." "You made me feel like a horrible person for lying about your song, and you didn't tell me you were married?" "Hey, hey, hey, I didn't lie," "I just haven't told you every little thing about me." "I mean, it was one drunken night, and I assure you, it was no big deal." "Okay, well, when I marry someone, it will be a big deal." "And this is a big deal to me." "Should I have called first?" "You think Rick will notice?" "Uh, not if you throw him off the balcony, too." "That's it." "Rick's gonna think I killed Fred on purpose because I don't want his stuff in my house." "And he's gonna think I'm controlling and incapable of having a good relationship, and he's never gonna want to be with me." "Unbelievable!" "I don't even want to talk about it." " What?" " Ben's married!" "That's right." "The man I was about to say "I love you" to has a wife." "Who is he?" "I don't even know him." "Oh, my God." "Everyone's getting married but me!" "How could he be married?" "He said he was only married for 48 hours, and he thought he was divorced, but the point is, he lied to me about it." "And if Ben's lied to me about that, who knows what else he's lied about!" "Maybe he's not even British!" "'Allo, mate!" "How hard was that?" "[ knock on door ]" "Uh, Holly, I see flowers and a big, sad British head." "[ Ben ]:" "Holly, are you in there?" "[ whispers ] I'm not here." "Uh, she's not here." "And I don't ever want to talk to you again, Ben!" "He's gone." "He doesn't exactly put up much of a fight, does he?" "You're right." "Lying does suck." "[ knock on door ]" "Okay, no flowers, smaller head, American." "Oh!" "Oh, God, Rick." "Fred!" "No, he can't see Fred." "Okay, um, uh..." "Hi!" "Hi." "What brings you here on this fine fall day?" "I just came by to talk." "You know, I got to thinking about our situation, and I had no right to push my stuff on you, so I came by to pick up Fred." "Oh, God." "Yeah, I think I'm gonna give him to my dad." "Lately, he's been having health issues, and I think Fred would really cheer him up." "Oh, God." "It's just that he's been waiting for his test results and, um..." "Are you serious?" "No." "I found Fred's ear downstairs!" "What is wrong with you?" "I was worried about your father!" "No, no, no, you do not get to be mad." "I get to be mad." "Now, where is he?" "Oh, my God!" "Fred!" "Fred!" "He can't hear you." "Honey, I'm so, so, so sorry." "I killed Fred, and I know how much you loved him." "I would understand if you think I'm a crazy person, and you don't want to marry me." "Not marry you?" "You aren't crazy." "You actually think I would throw everything we have away just for one little screwup?" "I don't know." "Val... we're gonna be married, which means we're going to be living together, and sometimes, one of us is going to do something that is gonna piss the other one off, but you know what?" "We love each other." "So we fight and we move on." "[ guitar strumming ] âª On a night like this âª" "Oh, my God, Ben is serenading you on the fire escape." "Everyone's getting serenaded but me!" "Maybe you should go up there and see what he has to say." " Really?" " If you love him." "âª In this dark soul dance âª âª We talk so soft âª âª The way âª âª Young lovers do âª" "Thanks." "Okay." "Holly's favorite dessert." "This, plus me, will comfort her." "What if she and Ben didn't break up?" "Wife, Gary." "Wife." "Holly's never gonna forgive him for this." "[ Ben ]: âª But your silhouette's so... âª âª On a night like this âª" "âª I could fall in love âª âª with you âª" "That was beautiful." "That's the song you should send to that producer." "Yeah, but I wrote that one for you." "Holly, I'm so sorry." "I was an idiot." "I should've told you about Fiona." "It's okay." "It's not okay." "We need to be honest with each other, and I need to be honest about why I wasn't honest." "Here, sit down." "Holly, listen," "I've been with a lot of girls " "Yeah, see, I don't think we need to be that honest." "The point is," "I've never really cared if any those of those girls knew about Fiona or knew that I did such a stupid thing, but... with you, you're just so... uh, I don't even know what the word is." "Perfect?" "You know, you're pretty damn close." "And the truth is, the reason I didn't want to tell you is that" "I didn't want you to be disappointed in me." "Oh, I'm not disappointed." "Look, I lied about your song, and you lied about having a wife." "Yours was so much worse." "The point is, we both made mistakes." "But when you love someone, you forgive them." "When you love someone?" "Yeah." "I've been waiting for the perfect moment to tell you." "I love you." "Really?" "Yeah." "And I know it's only been two months, and it's okay if you're not ready to tell me, but I just wanted you to know " " I love you, too." " Really?" "You're not just saying that because I'm the other woman and you're trying to keep me around?" "Okay, and, um, if you have any kids, tell me tomorrow."