"So, I sacked the PE teacher again." "After last year's dead heat at the sports day, I told him to install camera technology." "Sadly he misunderstood the phrase "photo finish"." "A line was crossed." "Anyhoos, this year's sports day is but upon us and..." "No way, never going to happen, not doing it." "Calm down, dear, it's not you." "Now, don't overreact but it's time to meet Abbey Grove's new PE teacher, Mr Preet van der Plessis." "HE GULPS" "Hush, hush, moffie," "Daddy's bought you some white chocolate from his trip to prison." "HE SNIGGERS" "You can't employ him, he's a psychopath!" "Here, chummy, I hold my hand up, yah, I make mistakes but I've changed." "He attacked me with a riot baton." "That's Preet's way of saying, "I love you,"" "and I've got a couple of broken ribs to prove it." "Plus he's very cheap." "There!" "TIA." "Oh, I've missed this stumpy pecker." "You still smoking the bars, yeah?" "No, I'm messing, scappy." " Urgh!" " Ow!" "Classic Preet!" "Look, Alf, yes, he may have assaulted you and, yes, that may have resulted in a teeny prison stretch, but he's had extensive anger management, art therapy." "You couldn't meet a more stable guy." "Boo!" "That therapy's worked a treat." "Yeah, I watched that movie, Mandela." "I only laughed once." "Well, maybe." "Oh, when he gets sentenced, his face." "HE LAUGHS" "Priceless." "Look, Alfie, Preet's lost his job, it turns out my gym doesn't employ anyone with a criminal record." "Neither do schools!" "Not this school." "I believe everyone deserves a second chance." "Who wants to celebrate with some khat?" "It's like bay leaf, only it's also an amphetamine." "Everyone deserves a third chance." "Right, sports day, you know the drill." "Sir draws our events out of a hat." "That way the humiliation's at random." "OK." "Andre, egg-and-spoon race." "Raj, 800 metres." "Rem Dogg... ..wheelbarrow race." "Boom!" "Third year in a row." "What a convenient coincidence." "Stephen...sack race." "I am not wearing a sack in public." "Please let me customise it, sir." "Fine, whatever." "Er, Chantelle, three-legged race." "You know all about that, tripod." "Cleo." " I ain't doing no bait sports day." " 100-metre dash." "What, cos I'm black you think I can sprint?" "What?" "No, it's all random." " Why don't you just make me run with a boom box or put a bargain bucket on the finishing line?" " Oh, God!" "Oh, sorry, ain't there a bobsleigh team(?" ")" " You can sit this one out." " Correct!" "I'm out, too." "I'm covering sports day for the school's newspaper." "Did you guys read my latest edition?" "It's just a bit dry, babe." "Dry but very absorbent." "You need to give the readers what they want - sex, scandal and Kimye." "You want a scandal." "I heard Melanie Chubb, right, went to the toilet and accidentally wiped her fanny with her dress!" " OMG, drams give me dates!" " God help me." "We're all in the gutter, Jing, but some of us are looking up the miniskirts of the stars!" "Alfie, can I have a quick word?" "Look, I just wanted to tell you something because I didn't want you to hear it from anyone else." "You're sleeping with Richard, aren't you?" "You're in love with him, you're going to get married!" "I just wanted to tell you that Richard's coming to sports day." "Why?" "What event's he doing?" "The race to get his affairs in order(?" ")" "St Mark's Ambulance do our first aid and Richard volunteers for them." "Are you sure?" "Maybe he just keeps being brought home in an ambulance(!" ")" "He's saying your boyfriend's a scrotum-faced old buttfucker!" "Would you please stop doing that?" "For the last time, Richard is not my boyfriend!" "That man is a coiled serpent waiting to spring." "The little prawn prince doesn't want this cock-frocking junkie at sports day." "But never fear, for I'm trained in first aid, too." "Stand Richard down, Preet's got it covered." "Yeah, in prison I sucked the shank out of a warden's neck." "Maybe let's keep Richard as Plan A." "Hey, I thought you were sticking it to stick it in the bokkie." "We're on a break." "Oh." "Fuck the fuck." "Uh, mongrels off the leash, eh?" "Maybe tonight we should hit up a few Stellenbraus." "Lock and load, go on the hunt for cooch." "Yeah, never going to happen." "Oh!" "Why are you wet?" "I don't fit in my locker anymore so Grayson lubed me." "Lube helps, sir, if you're trying to squeeze into something small." " Yes, thank you, Chantelle, I know what lubricant is." " I was in there for an hour." "Thank God I keep it well stocked with snacks." "That may be why you don't fit." " Grayson will keep giving you shit till you slap him down." " Girlfriend's got a point." " Don't ever call me "girlfriend" again." " Noted!" "You should use sports day to put him in his place." "This is your chance to take Grayson down in front of the whole school." "Everyone loves an underdog." "I can picture the headlines." "Jing's right." "This is your perfect chance to beat Grayson at...the hurdles!" "Maybe not." "Kill me." "Hash-tag light bulb." "That old guy that tried to attach on to Miss G is going to sports day, right?" "Why don't you challenge him?" "Show Miss G what she's missing." "That is a brilliant idea." "Challenge him at what?" "You're even slower and weaker than me." "Isn't it obvious?" "Good old-fashioned dance-off." "I can bust a few moves out of my hip-hop locker." "Your hip-hop moves are about this far from a race crime." "What you talking about?" "# I ain't saying she a gold digger # but I ain't messing with no bro... #" "Man of Afro-Caribbean origin." " What about a teacher and parent race?" " Perfect!" "Well, I guess we'll have to hit the gym." " We?" " Well, I can't do this on my own." "Look, guys, I know historically we've never done well at sports day but this is the last one ever." "Wouldn't it be great, just once, to taste the sweet nectar of glory?" "You know how this plays out." "OK, I'll buy you a Nando's." "THEY WHOOP" "Three, two..." "Preet!" "Hello, moffie." "My first PE lesson." "I'm breaking these little bokkie tots in gently." " What are you playing?" "It, stuck in the mud?" " Hunger Games." "Cool!" "Um, look, you used to be a personal trainer, right?" "Yeah, until the gym fired me." "They didn't like me trying to segregate customers." "Actually, I'm with you on that." "I way prefer gyms where the men's and women's bits separate, less intimidating, eh?" "I didn't divide them by gender." "Right." "Um, look, I need you to put me and my class on a crash course before sports day." "Ha!" "But you're just a child." "I could smell your mother's milk on your breath." "You're not ready to spar with Preet van der Plessis." "I don't want to fight you, I just want some training." "If you place yourself in my hands, I will push you to the limits of human endurance." "I will take you to a world of pain that can change a man for ever." "Put the fire of Africa in your yum-yums!" "So ask yourself one question, moffie, are you ready for the Preet heat?" "Yeah." "Could you, er, un-cup me now?" "Ah!" "Body's a temple, time to sacrifice some carbs to the Bud-god." "Bird's got to keep that cracking little toosh in trim, eh?" "Bit much." "Protein shake, anyone?" "What flavour?" "Banana!" "Hey, try mine, it's got shavings of real ivory, gives you purchase balls." "No, thank you." "Why are you drinking a protein shake?" "Getting ready for the parents and teachers race at sports day." " Er, one question - can I do it in my fun-run fancy dress?" " OK." " Yes!" "Anyone can enter - parents, teachers, medics, young, old, basically dead." "Oh!" "I can invite Richard." "How do I get in contact with someone like him?" "Morse code, pigeon...seance?" "You know what, I'm sure he'll jump at the opportunity." "Please, probably hasn't jumped since Hammer Time." "Hey, can't touch this." "Skeletal." "Oh, and just so you know, Richard used to sprint for his university." "Babe, you have no idea how quick I am over the finish line." "Oh, I think I do." "Alf, could you really beat Richard?" "Well, she said that he was a sprinter, so let's make it an endurance event." "You got it, Wikus, I'll design it myself." "I'll call it "the Master Race"." "We probably won't." "The old gang back together, eh?" "The boys, the lads, the lady-killers." "Never proven." "Come, moffie, I wish to make you sweat." "Right, I've found a brown leather" "Have you read the newspaper yet?" "I can't believe it!" "Steroids." "Jing, is this for real?" "Yep, someone at the school's been taking steroids." "We'll be publishing exclusives all week." "Maybe I should get some steroids." "Joe, you don't need steroids, Preet's training us." "Uh!" "I can't believe they let that psycho back in 'ere." "He's not a psycho." "Preet's had something called "art therapy", it's really mellowed him." "Listen up, you scrawny, pimple-necked, cat-wracking pieces of shit!" "Preet?" "Sorry." "# Hi-de-hi, kinderbok, I'm Uncle Preet. #" "He's scary when he's being nice." "On your feet." "Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear." "Non-regulation socks." "So, I don't have white socks, big deal!" "Do you know what happens when you mix whites and coloureds?" "It ruins your wash?" "Society crumbles!" " Er, this is all I had." " You have broken the ancient code of physical education, you know the punishment!" "Can I remind you I am a teacher?" "Do you want me to train you or not?" "Yes." "Let's dance." "MUSIC:" "Bang Bang by Jessie J, Ariana and Nicky Minaj" "HE BLOWS WHISTLE" "Whoa!" "Yah!" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "Urgh!" "Oh!" "I'll never beat Grayson, he hurdles for the school team." "Joe, you've got an Olympic record." "I'm the fastest under-18 to finish the Little Chef Olympic Breakfast." "That's part of the problem, not the solution." "Bullshit." "Joe, you have got the hunger." "When you see a barrier, you don't stop, you power on through." "Great, but aren't I supposed to be jumping over the barriers?" "What are you doing?" "Oh, just er, fixing up this bad boy so I can teach and burn at the same time." "Alfie, I know you're hurting, but losing to" "Richard in front of everyone is only going to make things worse." "Huh, me lose to Richard?" "Please." "Name one thing he's got that I haven't?" "Sensitivity, maturity, charm." "Yeah, but I said one thing, not three." "And, anyway, at least I'm biodegradable." "Yeah, his plastic hips ain't going to be decomposing any time soon." "Now, if you'd kindly vamoose from the artist's studio," "I have got a body to sculpt." "Ow!" "See you later, Michelangelo." "I think I've broken me coccyx." "If you have a thirst for the crease, you can always play for my village team." "I bet you can still trouble a boundary, eh, eh?" "Have you been talking to my ex-wife?" "Which one?" "THEY LAUGH" "Ah, smoocher, come perch." "We were just chin-wagging about the pick and pock of leather on willow." "Sorry, I don't speak Last Of The Summer Wine." "We share a love of cricket." "Rosie informs me that my presence is requested at the adults' race." "Yeah, Richard and you better bring your A-game, mate." "Absolutely, but in the words of the Greek philosopher," "Epictetus, it is not the winning but the taking part which counts." "Well, in the words of Alfie Wickers, I hope your silly little ambulance has got room for both your assholes, cos I'm going to tear you a new one." "THEY LAUGH" "Brilliant." "A new asshole, I, must remember that one for bridge club." " You play bridge as well?" "Which discipline?" " Rubber." "THEY LAUGH" "Next you'll be telling me you go to Bang Bang's Massage Parlour in Tring with the nice Thai ladies." " No, no, I..." " Right, you, here." "What the hell was all that about?" "Why are you being so friendly with Richard?" "Richard, what's wrong with him?" " What, you mean other than the fact that he's trying to shag my girlfriend?" " Yes." "# What's that coming over the hill, is it a monster?" "# Is it a monster?" "#" "THEY LAUGH" "Jesus Christ!" "Great costume, chap." "And I like yours, too, weird, old, random bus conductor man." "Oh, God, sorry, I haven't introduced you." " Fraser, this is my..." " A privilege to finally meet your father." "Rosie talks about her old man non-stop." "No, Fraser, this..." "But where's Mrs Gulliver?" "Preet!" "Come and meet Rosie's dad!" "Hello there, you old fat fecker." "Stukkie's a very confident lady." "We were a little...belt-shy, bro?" "Er, actually, I'm not Rosie's pater." "This is Richard, my...friend!" "HE SIGHS" "Did I tell you I'm entering the mothers' sack race?" "Oh, not this joke." "Every year." "Got to get one of those hot mammas into the sack." "THEY LAUGH" "Come, I have a surprise for you." "Right, Preet, when I said obstacles I meant, like, a few hurdles." "The most brutal obstacle course known to man." "And I've got a truckload of attack dogs coming, too." "Attack dogs?" "And how do you plan to control a pack of attack dogs with children?" "You've got a tranquiliser gun." "Of course you do." " Um, is, is that legal?" " It's a grey area." "Decapaccini, that cat guzzling old goat will faint just looking at this." "Or my name's not Preet Cornelius Hennyhenwig, Hoitetoit," "Goosenhousen, Tabactablanche, Vestavesen, Voota van der Plessis." "Yeah, I mean I, I wanted to test his endurance but this could actually kill me." "As I told my cell mate the night I tattooed his back with biro ink and a red hot needle, pain is temporary, glory is for ever." "TIA, bro." "This is Africa!" "TIT, this is Tring." "On your marks!" "Go on, Chantelle!" " Get set!" " Right, if you help me win this I'll let you touch me tit." "Go!" "On your marks, get set..." "Go!" "THEY CHEER" "MUSIC: "Sexy Boy" by Air" "Go, Stephen!" "Shit, that boy can work it." "Yeah, I suspect he may be disqualified." "Shamazing!" "Joe!" "There you are, buddy." " Come on, it's time for the hurdles." " I don't want to do it." "I'll never beat Grayson, this was a stupid idea." " But the Olympic breakfast." " Forget the breakfast, Alfie." "Joe, remember what I said?" "When you hit a barrier, you don't stop, you power on through." "That's how you're going to beat Grayson." "That... (and by making sure you run in lane three.)" "I don't get it." "Just trust me." "Shut your eyes and run like the time you got the shits on the Cutty Sark." ""To Joe, good luck, Grayson."" "Get down!" "All right, Shrek?" "Smile for the camera, this shit's going on Roo Tube." "He looks...angry." "On your marks, get set, go!" "CROWD CHEER" "I think I know who's been taking them steroids in." "Joe's not on steroids." "I weakened his hurdles." "THEY CHEER" "Joe!" "You can stop now!" "He'll tire himself out." "Eventually." "Joe!" "Ladies and gentlemen, the parent-and-teacher race will commence in ten minutes." "Thanky-doodle-do." "Good luck, mate, going to need it." "Oh, don't be too cocky, young swain." "Remember I have a secret weapon, consilium." "What the hell is that?" "You'll find out." "He said it to my face, Jing." "He's got a secret weapon that's going to help him win." "Yeah, but what's consilium?" "Um, what does it sound like?" "A drug." "Now where's his bag?" "I'm not sure about this, sir." "Your steroid story, he's the cheat!" "It all makes sense, a medic with access to drugs." "That's why Rosie's so confident he's going to win, she knows he's on this consilium." "Ah!" "Talcum powder, Wisden, Y-fronts the colour of weak tea, this is Richard's bag." "Sir, the steroid story's not entirely true." "Bingo!" "The roidy bastard!" "But how?" "I made the story up." "You lied in print and you want to become a journalist." "Jing." "Well." "Now you've got all the evidence you need, take him down." "But what about you?" "You won't beat him if he's on steroids." "If you can't beat 'em..." "Now, go, Jing, and remember, the truth and nothing but the truth." "Although, obviously, don't mention that I took the steroids as well." "Naughty moffie, caught with your hand in the Biltong jar!" "Preet, what the hell?" "If Pistorius taught me one thing, it's shit with the door open." "Right, I'm just..." "Oh, God." "Don't worry, moffie, your secret's safe with me." "Yeah, well, there's no secret, cos I wasn't actually doing anything." "Two men share a secret, it binds them together, entwining them into one beating heart." "You going to have a wipe of that?" "First month in prison, I hated you for what you did to me." "To be fair, you attacked me." "Every night I dreamt of turning your jib-jabs into drills." "A bit close." "But then I began my course of art therapy." "Would you like to see my sketches?" "Not really." "Oh, look, it's me." "Oh, Jesus Christ!" "Oh, you have been busy." "Feel free to stop at any..." "Ooh!" "So much detail." "Oh, my God, don't know where I end and you begin." "Slowly I discovered there is only one thing stronger than hate." "Please don't say "love"." "Tattoos." "Me again!" "My cell-mate, Hilary, chewed through an entire khat bush to numb the pain." "Yeah, why has your cell-mate got my face tattooed onto his back?" "OK, I've just worked that one out for myself." "Preet, um, I like you but I don't "like you" like you." "Do you know what happens when you break a lion's heart?" "Does it go to live with a warthog and a meerkat?" "I will devour you, moffie, as sure as my name is" "Preet Cornelius Hennyhenwig, Hoitetoit, Goosen..." "Er, got it." "Alfie, it's time." "I'll just tiptoe out." "No, wait for me!" "Moffie!" "Good luck." "Carpe diem." "Pfft, you're going to need more than luck, mate, now I've got my hands on some of your precious consilium." "Yeah, that's right sucker." "So you are a classicist?" "What are you talking about?" "Consilium, Latin for wisdom." "My secret weapon, old boy." "Yeah, pull the other one, Farage." "I'm talking about these." "And don't you worry." "I've levelled the playing field." "Oh, crikey, yes, er..." "It's all very embarrassing." "Yes, well, you see, at my age, er, one, one sometimes, er, not always, but sometimes one, one feels the need for, er, a little help in, in the, in the bedroom department." "What are you banging on about?" " HE MUMBLES:" " Viagra." "What?" " HE MUMBLES:" " Viagra." " Viagra?" "!" "Sh!" "Yes." "Wait, sorry, why would you need Viagra?" "Well, Rosie and I are..." "Friends!" "Yes, but plan for success, prepare for failure." "Rosie and I might become friends with benefits." "Ugh!" "Ugh, for using the phrase "friends with benefits"." "Ugh, for betraying Rosie's trust and trying to shag my girlfriend, you...shit." "Come on, Richard, you can do it!" "Shut up, Dad!" "Wait, how long do those things take to kick in?" "Well, it depends how many you took." "Round it down to about five." "Yeah, you've got er, six, maybe seven minutes before things start bursting through your shorts like the Kraken." "Shit!" "Preet, start the race!" "I have got to give a quick health and safety check." " Preet, start the race!" " I love it when you're brusque with me, moffie." "Mr Wickers ain't moved that fast since he found me lying on his desk wearing nothing but a sushi platter." "Think unsexy thoughts, think unsexy thoughts." "Granny in a thong." "Adrian Chiles' banter." "Eric Pickles on the shitter." "Ian Beale crying." "Come on, Alfie!" "Please not on the monkey bars." "God, no, not on the monkey bars." "Come on, Richard!" "Feel blood heading south." "Come on, Alfie!" "What's he doing?" "Maybe you've got to commando crawl the last bit." "Is he wearing a little plough?" "I can't watch, Richard's going to catch him." "Oh, no, you don't, old goat." "Moffie shall go to the ball." "Steady." "He's got a gun, get down!" "Ooh!" "Oh!" "He's not breathing." "I'll have to give him mouth-to-mouth." "Oh!" "I can't feel my legs." "Uh!" "Teach me everything you know." "Alfie, why have you...?" "Before everyone thinks I'm a massive weirdo." "A bit late for that, bro." "I cheated, OK?" "Or at least I tried to cheat." "I thought Richard was on steroids cos I found these blue pills in his bag but they weren't steroids, they were Viagra." "Don't stress." "Viagra?" "Why, why does Richard have...?" "Rosie, Rosie, Rosie, it's not what you..." "I would hate for you to presume that er, that, but, but, but... but, well, plan to succeed." "Rosie, I did..." "If you say, "I told you so," you'll get one of those as well." " Excuse me, please." " Rosie, no, no, no, Rosie, wait, please." "Yeah, I win!" "Do you, though?" "Really?" "Could someone maybe cover that up?" "Moffie, I'll write!" "I won't reply!" "Ugh, yeah, ugh!" "Suppose we better get a new PE teacher, then." "Good news, sir, I got the photo finish of the race, you won!" "Yes!" "I rule!" "You won by a head." "It's the most popular edition in the school's history." "You saved the paper, sir!" "Everyone's reading it." "Oh, great(!" ")"