"VEGAS BABY, VEGAS!" "So they're just gonna give him 100 grand?" "Cash, in a bag, that's correct." "Just to show up to a party?" "Just to show up." "You don't even have to smile, Vin." " Only in America." " No, only in Vegas." "So what do you say, E?" "Should we go?" "Well, seeing that you told the Hollywood Foreign Press that the whole town is a bunch of dickheads," "I don't think anybody's gonna miss us." "So, what you're saying is, we should go." "Have I ever said no to Vegas?" "Be like saying no to a blowjob." "What do you say, Johnny?" "Vegas?" "Uh, love to, bro, but I'm shooting my pilot on the 30th." " I gotta stay rested." " You're turning down Vegas, Drama?" "I'm gonna be turning down a lot of things, Turtle, now that I'm a working actor." "Better get used to it." "You know, Johnny, there are many different Vegases." "You could go and just spot." "Don't you have that masseuse you love over there?" "Oh, yeah, Ken at the Hard Rock." "He's got hands of gold." "It's insane that you let a man rub your body." "No, what's insane is that you think a massage is sexual." "A real massage requires strong, manly hands, which my boy Ken has got in spades." "After 24 hours with Ken," "I'm ready for work." "Absolutely, bro, I'm in." "Nice." "Let's do it." " Who's gonna break the news to Ari?" " Oh... be happy to." "Vin, this is not the time to go to Vegas." "You've got a serious public image problem right now." "That's why I'm going, Ari." "Hoping by the time I get back, everyone will have forgotten about it." "Come on, Vinny, listen, we need to get you a job." " You read any of those scripts?" " I brought 'em with." "Thought you might read 'em to me." " What do you mean?" " I mean, we could use a chaperone." " Help keep us out of trouble." " I'm not going to Vegas on a Wednesday." " Come on, what else you got to do?" " I have the theater with the wife and her mother tonight." "Move over, I'm in." "Nice relaxing Wednesday may be just what I need." "Vegas, baby, Vegas!" "I'm sorry, baby, you know I'd rather be at "Menopause, The Musical" tonight than here, but I got kidnapped!" " It's true!" " You see that, baby?" " Will you sign this?" " I'm sorry, honey" " Hello?" "Hello?" " Is she mad?" "She said she'd rather see me gagged and bound like a real kidnappee, yeah, so I think so." "Oh, all right, here comes the apology." "Hey, baby." "I put $6 million into this company and find out at the staff meeting that you're at the roulette table?" " Oh, hey, Babs, how are ya?" " What the fuck are you doing, Ari?" "I'm taking care of a high-priority client, that's what I'm doing." "You have 150 clients to keep happy, now." "Barbara" "You need to manage your time more efficiently." " You're not my mother, Babs." " Fuck you, Ari." "See, my mother would never speak to me that way." "I hate women!" "Not all women." "Who's got five?" "Ready and waiting, bro." "What's this?" "Tradition." "When we were kids, we'd hit AC, we'd put five bucks on red." "We win, we knew it'd be a good weekend." " What if you lose?" " Vince never loses." "Five on red." "Come on!" "Red 16." " It's gonna be a good weekend." " Keep the change, bro." "Hey, Vinny, what do you say we go halves?" "We'll do like a gambling partnership." " Okay, Ari, you're on." " All right." " Hey!" "Vinny Chase." " Seth." " What's up, dude?" " What's up?" "You here for that thing at Body English tonight?" " Yeah." " Cool, yeah, me too." "It should be fun." "I brought my whole crew out." "Definitely." "You know Ari Gold, my agent?" "Never met, big fan." "That's funny dude." "That pinky bought me a house in Malibu." "Malibu!" "And I think you know E." "How you doing, Seth?" "Good to see you again." "How you doing, man?" "How'd that thing work out for you at the hotel?" "Like I said, it wasn't what it looked like." "Like I said, it never is." "So, how's Sloan, man?" "She's still good, Seth." "Cool, hey, do me a favor." "Tell her I said "what up," okay?" "Yeah, I will." "I'll tell her that." " All right." "See ya." " See ya." " What's up, Seth?" " Oh, Johnny Drama." " How you doing, man?" " Did you hear about my pilot?" " No!" "Congratulations!" " Thanks, bro." "Good for you, man!" "You could use the work." "What the fuck is up with this guy?" "Every time I see him, he asks me about Sloan and he's got a shit-eating grin on his face." "Don't get all panicky, E." "Seriously, E, you'd be jealous if he said they were cousins." " What does that mean?" " It means you're a jealous guy." " Always have been." " Bullshit." "Face it E, you're like Eric Roberts in "Star 80."" "How would you know?" " I've heard stories." " Yeah?" "Name one example." "Andy Abetemarco, 10th grade." "You punched him in the head just because he got assigned to be Audrey Polini's lab partner." "There's more to that story, Turtle, he stole her frog." " Hey, you know they got married?" " Really?" "No, but see, you're still jealous." " Whatever." " Whatever, exactly." " I don't think Seth meant anything." " All right." "Nice room, Turtle." "Hey, boys, fruit's all green." "Whoa, easy with that, Ari." "It's from Body English." "Ah!" "100k, Vince." "Nice." "Hey Vinny, who'd you have to fuck to get that?" "No fucking, Ari." "I just have to go to a party." "Not according to this itinerary." "Says you also gotta be at a pool event this afternoon and then drinks with the contestants tonight." "Contestants?" "Yeah, says you're judging a beauty contest." " Queen of the Strip." " Sounds like a bonus." "Sounds like I don't know what you got us into as usual." "So far it all looks pretty good, doesn't it?" "Yeah, we'll see about that." "I'm gonna go check it out." "I'm comin' with you." "Hey, Vinny, go win us some money." "God damn, I feel at ease." "I'm out." "You brought your own robe?" "Why wouldn't I?" " Mind if we join you?" " Sure." " I'll take some chips, please." " All of it?" " Well, 10 is yours, do what you want." " Really?" "Yeah, man." "Commission." "You earned it." "Thank you, Vince!" "You" " You booked him into this?" " Turtle did." " Nice job managing." "This should be great for his image." "What are you doing?" "I'm on vay-cay." "Getting a cocktail." "All right." "What are we drinking?" " Johnny!" " Hey, Ken!" " It's been a while." " How are ya, buddy?" "Good to see ya." "You look great." "You look great." "I lost a couple pounds." " Yeah, it shows." " Thanks." "What have you got there?" "California almonds." "I remember last time I was in town you said you couldn't find a decent almond in the desert, so I thought, well..." "Wow." "I can't believe you remembered." "That's really thoughtful." "I got an elephant's brain, Ken." "I remember everything." " You ready?" " Yeah, let's do it," "I'm stressed like a motherfucker." "A little of that, a little of this, some of that..." "All right, come on, baby!" "Come on!" "Yes!" "Whoo-hoo-hoo!" "He should just cancel this." "Definitely." " He's up 2500." " Oh yeah?" "That means I'm up 1250." "Drinks are on me, E." " One more for the road?" " Definitely." "Oh Ken, you have not lost your touch." "All these compliments are gonna make me insecure." "Well don't be." "You've got the gift." " No doubt." " Thanks." "In fact, I'd like to lock you down for the rest of the day." " Really?" " Oh, yeah." "I'll double your rate." "'Cause I don't want these hands touching anyone but me." "Ooh..." "Hit me." " Sorry, sir." " Hey, you can't stay hot forever." " Hit." " Ah, but Turtle can!" "Hey, jerkoff, you signed him up" " to judge a stripper contest." " Really?" " Titties?" " It's a stripper contest." " Nice." " Vin, you should cancel." " I agree." " Can't cancel." "Yeah, you can." "You didn't sign anything." " Just give the money back." " Money's gone, E." " What are you talking about?" " I hit a little cold streak." "You lost 100 grand?" " Something like that." " But we're partners." "Oh, shit, I forgot." "Means I'm only really down 50." "Shoulda partnered up with me, Ari." "I'm up 1200." "I get to two grand," "I'm keeping it stashed to buy me a high class ho." "But Turtle, I already gave you 10." "I only pay for pussy with profits." "I thought you never lose, Vin." "It's not a loss till we leave Nevada." " I'll win it back." "Don't you worry." " I'm worried, Vin." " I'm worried!" " If you want out, cut your losses" "What, and miss the boat when you go on a million dollar run?" " No way, count me in." " All right." "Vince, you gotta blow off this stripper thing, man." " No, let's go, it'll be fun." " It will be." "And we gotta be at the pool for the meet-and-greet in five minutes." " That'll definitely be fun." " Let's do it." "Fuck the pool, let's win our money back." "You don't care about him judging a stripper contest, Ari?" "Which is worse for his image?" "That he judges a stripper contest, or he loses a couple hundred thousand at the fucking tables?" "Table's not going anywhere, calm down." "Hey, yo, E!" "Hey, did you tell Sloan I said "what up"?" " No, Seth." " Why not?" "Because it was like a half an hour ago." "It's just a phone call, man." "Make the call." " Say "what up."" " Yeah, E." "Make the call, say "what up."" "So this dickhead is saying what, that he fucked my girlfriend?" "I don't know, E." "It's hard to say what he was saying." "It's not hard to say." "Seth Green landed on Plymouth Rock" " before you did, E. Wake up." " No shot." "I'm so not interested in this!" "Can we please go out there and win some money?" " Please, Vinny!" " The strippers aren't even here yet." "Look, E, it could've been years ago." "The guy's been running around Hollywood since he was like 12." "And Sloan does like her men petite." "Fuck that." "I know every guy she's been with." "How?" " What, did you make a list?" " Yeah, Turtle." "Couples make lists." "You wouldn't know that for obvious reasons." "Where the fuck are these girls!" "Somebody..." "What Ari, you and your wife didn't make lists?" " We did." "I'm the only one on it." " Yeah, right." "Look E, I don't wanna rile you up, but I've done the list thing." "What, did you hand over a hard drive, Vin?" "It was big but I did leave some off." "Everyone does." "So what, you're saying that-- that Sloan left Seth Green off the list?" "I think everybody leaves someone off the list." "Except you." "I'm calling." "Ain't you gonna call your wife, Ari?" "I don't care if my wife's getting fucked right now, Turtle," "I need to get my money back!" " Oh!" " Uh-oh." " Hi, Vince." " Hello." "I'm Joanne, but I go by the stage name of Cheyenne." "I understand you're judging the contest." "Is there anything I can do to get you to vote for me?" "Yeah, Vince, what's a girl gotta do to get a vote around here?" "Come on, Vince, we're gonna get stuck here all day." "Let's go." "Girls, due to circumstances beyond my control" "Me!" " I have to go." " But talk to my boy, Turtle, here." "He's the eyes, mouth and ears of this operation." " Enjoy." " First, the commission, now this?" "This is like Christmas." " Hi, Turtle." " How you doin'?" "So you're really his eyes and ears?" "Ken, whatever happened to that pretty little" "Filipino girlfriend of yours, Annie?" "Sore subject." "She just moved out a week ago." "Fuck her." "Hands like yours..." "her loss." " Still hurts." " Yeah, I hear you, Ken." "You know what?" "Johnny Drama's got just the cure for your heartbreak." "Really?" "What's that?" "Boys' night out." "Just a good steak, nice bottle of red, couple cigars and some good conversation." "You do that, Ken, and you'll forget all about women in no time." "I don't usually go out socially with clients, Johnny." "Ken, I'd like to think after all this time you look at me as more than just a client." "Oh, Eric." "He's so annoying." "Annoying how?" "We we on a teen tour together, and he was obsessed with me for like the entire trip." " But you never dated him?" " No, Eric, I never dated him." "This is a tough competition, girls, and what, with $25,000 prize, everybody needs an edge." "Fortunately for you," "I left my integrity back in Los Angeles." "My vote is 100% for sale." "Hit me." "Jesus!" "What the fuck are you smirking about?" "Huh?" "Where are you going?" "Oh, I'm not feeling it right now." "You can't force the cards." " How much are we down?" " Uh, 110." "Each." "Jesus!" " We'll get it back after dinner." " I'm not hungry, Vinny." "You take the reins, maybe you'll have better luck." "Don't go too crazy, I don't wanna lose more than 500 grand." "Bring it." "Bring it!" "So you talked to her," " and she said nothing happened?" " Right." "Why's he trying to make it like something did?" "'Cause he's a jerkoff." " Why are you so calm?" " The old E would not have been able to control himself." "The old E, "Mad Dog" E, woulda bit Seth Green's ear off." "Guys, I'm a grown man." "I don't fight anymore." "Oh, way to be mature." "Yeah, you're really entering your latter years gracefully." "Speaking of latter years..." "Fuck off, E." "How relaxed do I look?" "Mmm, you look like you died in 1983." "Wait till you see me after a shower," "I'm gonna sparkle like the 4th of July." "Wait till you see dinner." "I got 10 of the best strippers in town" " joining us tonight." " Ooh!" "Strippers?" "Why?" "Now, shouldn't it be, strippers, how" " and thank you?" " Thank you." "Look, we don't want girls at the table tonight." "I'm just trying to keep this trip free of distractions." "We?" "Who's we?" "Ken." "He's gonna be joining us tonight." "You don't want strippers at dinner 'cause your gay masseuse is joining us?" "I'm really starting to worry about you, Drama." "Oh please, Turtle, Ken is not gay." "In fact, if I release him on the strippers tonight, you're gonna be shit out of luck." "Oh, please." "Bring it on." "So, have you seen "Brokeback Mountain," Kenneth?" "Nah." "I don't get to the movies." "When I'm not working, I'm usually training." " Training for what?" " Well, it's probably too late for me, but I still dream of the NFL." " You play ball?" " Ken was a superstar at U of A." "I don't know about superstar." "Oh, yes." "Yes you were." "And a second-round draft pick for the San Diego Chargers." "Went 74 yards and three receptions in his first NFL quarter, then blew out his knee." "Fucking AstroTurf." "That sucks, man." "You really do remember everything, Johnny." " Elephant brain." " Turtle, girls." "Watch this." " Hey, Shelby." " Hi, Turtle." " Crystal." " Hi, Turtle." " Tiffany." " Hi, sweetie." " This is Bunny." " Hey, Turtle." "And Minx." "Yo, E, be cool." "I'm cool, Vince." "I'm totally cool." "What do ya got, what do ya got?" "Come on, come on." "Show me a little love, little love, little love." "What do ya think-- Fuck!" "Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck." "Can I have another marker?" "Please?" "Please..." "This is Mt." "Kilimanjaro, one of the tallest mountains on earth and it's freezing." "So I say to this girl," ""I'd be happy to give up my canteen for you, but what are you gonna give up for me?"" "Fantastic." "Oh, Ken." "I gotta hit the head." "I'll be right back." "So?" " I love him." " I told you." "Let's hit the bar." "Maybe I should check on Ari, see how he's doing." "He can't be doing any worse than you." "Oh, it's Vinny Chase and the Chasers!" "Hey, let me get a couple more Jager shots" " for the boys from Queens over there." " No thanks." "What's the matter, you don't drink, Eric?" "I drink vodka, Seth." "I stopped drinking Jager in high school." "Oh!" "But listen, I told Sloan you said "what up."" "Mmm." "What'd she say?" "She said "what up."" " That's all?" " That's all." "All right." "All right." "You tell her I said "what up" back." "Yeah, man." "Don't forget to tell her he said "what up" back." "What is wrong with these guys?" "They're like retards." "Yeah, but you were calm." "Yeah, but is it gonna last though, E?" "Or are we doing battle?" "We're not doin' battle, Drama." "It ain't gonna happen." "All right." "All this testosterone has put a kink in my neck." "I'm gonna have to get Ken to work that out." "Better hurry up, Drama, looks like he's working one out right now." "Christ almighty." "Oh, that's Amber." "Country girl, promised me three days in her father's cabin in Montana if she wins." "Turtle, I know it's a stripper contest, but I can't pick someone 'cause she promised to fuck you." "I don't care who wins." "I cut deals with all of 'em." "Uh, sweetheart, this guy's with me tonight." "I'm sorry, I'm just trying to relax before the competition." "Sorry, sister, I got my own problems." "Fuck you!" " I'm feeling good, Ari." "Let me sit." " Ari, relax." " How much we down?" " 200 and fuckin' 70!" "We can get that back." "You're gonna get thrown outta here, calm down." "He's a little upset." "I'll take another marker for 100,000 please." "Thanks, Sam." "So, Ken, did you get to sample those almonds I gave you?" "Oh, they were terrific, John." "Brought me right back to my childhood." "Yeah, I knew you'd appreciate 'em." "Oh, crap." "They must have closed shop early tonight." "Oh, no, no, no" "How 'bout we just reconvene in the morning?" "No, no." "There's no way I can sleep without a rubdown." "Let's take it back to my room, huh?" "Uh..." "yeah... okay." " Split 'em." " How much is that?" " 75 grand." " Now 150." "Gotta do it." "Split 'em again." "I once saw a guy split six times straight." "No choice." "Double down." "Vinny, that's 300 grand." "We're gonna win it all back on this hand." "Yeah, or my kids are going to community college." "I'll take this hand myself if you want." " Sorry." " It's okay." "I'd like to split these please." " You're gonna split kings?" " Yeah." "What's it to you?" "I got 150 grand on this hand, I don't want you fucking up my cards." "Sir, you have to let him play his way." " He's playing like a fucking idiot!" " Sir..." "Ari, calm down." "Ari, relax." "You're gonna get thrown out of the casino with 300,000 on the table." " Calm down" " We'll take care of it later, Ari." "Looks like I knew what I was doing, huh?" "No, it looks like you took her break card." "Dealer has 11." "Looks like she would've had 21." "I think an apology is in order." "Oh!" "Somebody shoot me and put me out of my fucking misery." "If only it weren't a crime." "Ari, remain positive." "Summon the cards you desire." "Get a higher power from above." "Come on!" "Can't hurt to try." "Please, God, give us another 10!" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Am I getting that apology?" "You know what, man?" "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "Come here." "Give it to me." "You know, I don't have my table or anything, Johnny." "That's okay." "We can just use the bed, right?" " I guess." " Cool, I'll go get changed." "Oh, hey, Ken, I got a nice pineapple-coconut-aloe-vera gel." "Is that cool?" "What the fuck are you doing, Ken?" "Johnny, I have never thought about a man..." "in that way." "But the adoration you have poured on me today has made me feel that if... this is something that you need, fuck it..." "It is Vegas!" "Johnny!" "Looks like they started already." "No, this is just the pre-show." "Well, now that we're up 100 grand, we should have a post-show up in the suite." "What do you say, Turtle?" "I already ordered four bottles of Cristal and 400 chocolate-covered strawberries." "Nice." "Does money won feel better than money earned," " or am I nuts?" " You're nuts." "Oh!" "It's the "we don't drink Jager" crew!" "What up, E?" "This fucking guy, man." "Hey, did you tell Sloan I said "what up" again?" "No, Seth, I think one time was all she needed." "What's that mean?" "It means she said you used to be obsessed with her." "I don't think she needs to feel like you're still obsessed with her." " She said I was obsessed with her?" " Yeah, sorry to say." "No, that's all right." "No apologies necessary." "I mean, in reality, it's more like... she was obsessed with this." "Hey, you know what?" "Keep fucking dreaming, Seth." " Keep dreaming." " Oh, you're right." "I must have been dreaming about how I blasted her in the face like a Jackson Pollock." "You got a problem?" " Get your fucking hand off me, man." " No, but I do!" "This ought to be good for your image, Vince."