"This is you." "Eyes closed, out in the rain." "You never thought you'd be doing something like this." "You never saw yourself as, I don't know how you'd describe it, as... like one of those people who like looking up at the moon, or who spend hours gazing at the waves or the sunset or... I guess you know what kind of people I'm talking about" "Maybe you don't" "Anyway, you kinda you kinda like it being like this, fighting the cold" "and feeling the water seep through your shirt and getting through to your skin." "And the feel of the ground growing soft beneath your feet and the smell." "And the sound of the rain hitting the leaves." "All the things they talk about in the books that you haven't read." "This is you." "Who would have guessed it?" "." "You." "Lesson 3." "Dialogue." "Catch this." "You give me the big one." "OK." "Don"t you even..." "So how come you always get... why do you always get the biq one?" "I deserve the big one..." "Maybe you should just try and you know to qet chalk of the blackboard." "Laurie..." "Oh, I"m trying to blow it away from you." "I thought you were quitting." "I am quittinq." "I"m quittinq, quitting." "That"s great." "I can"t quit smokinq and quit eatinq at the same time." "You don"t have to quit eatinq." "Why would you have to quit eating?" "You just don"t understand." "You lose weiqht just by thinkinq about it." "I swear you"re slimmer now than you were a month aqo." "No, you"re imagininq it." "I am not." "When you're fat like I am, the only thinq you see is other women"s bodies." "It's the only thing you see." "Laurie, you"re crazy." "You"re not fat at all, okay?" "I know fat people." "You"re not one of them." "Look at this tummy." "It"s not the tummy of a fat person." "As for me, I"m eatinq the same as always." "Yesterday, I ate a whole litre of ice-cream." "I haven"t had icecream in so Ionq." "Say, you"re not following one of those icecream diets are you?" "Yeah, Ben and Jerry's miracle diet." "really?" "No." "You know what I"m thinkinq of riqht now?" "What?" "Corn on the cob." "With lots of salt, lots of butter." "Just talking about diets makes me hungry." "See you tomorrow." "AII riqht." "See you tomorrow." "Tomorrow." "Bye." "Is Don going to look for another job?" "Don"s always Iookinq for another job." "I couId try and qet him something at the hotel." "That"s okay." "Last thing I need is for you two to fiqht there as well." "Why do you have to listen to this stuff?" "Why can"t you listen to music like normal people?" "No one"s normal, Mom." "No such thing as normal people." "Some muffins for the girls, for breakfast." "They"re a little squashed, but they"re fine." "Who rented Nathan"s house?" "I don"t know." "Someone"s movinq in on Sunday." "Barry manilow." "What?" "Barry manilow." "He"s normal." "Good niqht, mom." "Come on." "Move over, buddy." "Are those your feet or are you rubbinq icecubes down my Ieqs?" "Yes, they are ice-cubes." "Okay, warm them up." "That"s my only choice." "I"m cold up here, too." "I"m cold everywhere." "Did you put all the laundry in the basket?" "Yes." "Thank you." "Are you tired?" "Okay." "No!" "I think you"re too little." "I"II tell you when you"re older." "You quys want some more milk?" "please, please, tell me now." "Drink up your milk." "We"ve going to go in about five minutes, all riqht?" "You"ve split your milk." "I told you, you"re too little." "Shit, Patsy, can you not drink a qIass of milk for once without spiIIinq it?" "No, no, no." "What are you doinq?" "Daddy, why don"t the flintstones ever qo to the beach?" "I don"t know." "Don"t chanqe the subject." "Where does Mommy keep your sweaters?" "Mommy, I ate all my cereal and Patsy didn"t." "It"s okay, we have accidents." "OK." "Under the qirIs" bed, in the qreen box, there"s another sweater under there." "Okay, put up your arms." "Come on, we"ve got to take this off, okay qirIie?" "Got a little bit of milk on you." "Are you stuck?" "Where"s Patsy?" "I don"t know." "There"s Patsy." "There you qo." "Here you qo." "Put that on." "Lance"s brother ranq me last night." "He said he miqht have somethinq for me." "No way!" "Great!" "Where are the keys?" "I can't find the keys." "They"re still in the iqnition, I think." "They are?" "girls, you"ve got to put on your jackets." "Mommy, do I have to tell Patsy where babies come from?" "I think she"s too little." "She is too little." "Can you put on your jacket first?" "They opened a swimminq pool business in wilmington Drive." "No way." "Yeah." "I know." "Good luck." "Yeah, thank you." "Can you..." "You pick up the girls from school, because I miqht not be back till later." "Yeah, sure." "No problem." "Okay." "Guys?" "Put on your hats and qIoves, okay?" "I"m qoinq to warm up the car and we"re goinq to be qone in two minutes, okay?" "Two minutes." "Yes!" "I want you to help Patsy with hers as well, okay?" "So get yours on and help." "Bye, quys." "Have a qood day." "Bye, Mom." "I qot you, I qot you." "Ann," "I"m hanginq out some wash." "You got anythinq you want me to hanq out?" "Ann, are you in there?" "Put your clothes in the baq, and put on the robe." "Do you know if this is qoing to take Ionq?" "I"m supposed to pick up my kids." "I really have no idea." "Can I just go tell my Mom to pick them up for me?" "We can"t make any exceptions." "Is your mother outside?" "Yeah, she came with me." "Ann MatIand." "I forqot to tell her." "I"II see what I can do." "Now if you could qet undressed or you really will be here all day." "Thank you." "John," "charlie Bob, Seymour," "Jack and bill." "follow me, please." "Hey, do you know if the other nurse told my mom she had to go pick up my kids?" "I was supposed to qo and pick them up today and..." "Who"d you tell it to?" "The other nurse." "I don"t know her name." "Do you know how many nurses we have working in this hospital?" "Do you know what it"s like to be waitinq at the school qate all on your own, with your nose freezinq to death while all the other kids get picked up by their moms?" "Yeah, I do." "I'II qo see if I can find your mother." "Hi Ann." "I am Doctor Thompson," "I"II be Iookinq at the results of your ultrasound." "Why are we doing this aqain?" "How are your kids?" "I'm kind of worried, actually," "I was supposed to pick them up today so..." "Let"s not worry about thatjust now." "This will be over in a few minutes." "Ann, would you excuse me for a moment?" "Yeah, sure." "It"s your hospital." "Ann, this is Doctor Stuart and Doctor Lance." "Hi!" "Do you know if someone told my mom about picking up my daughters?" "We"re only qonna take a few minutes, okay?" "Does your husband live with you?" "Yeah, he.. he builds swimming pools." "He was out all day today." "And you work at the university." "Yeah." "I clean the university." "Niqhts." "And you"re twenty-three..." "I"II be twenty four in December." "I"m an Aquarius." "How about you?" "What star siqn are you?" "What the hell is happening to me?" "We"ve done the scan three times and..." "Are you sure you wouldn't prefer to call your husband?" "No." "I would prefer not to call him." "We"ve done the scan three times, and I"ve ordered a... a pre-biopsy..." "So, what?" "You have a tumour." "In both ovaries." "It"s reached your stomach and it"s beqinning to spread to your liver." "Wow." "That"s pretty far qone, eh?" "Ann, if you were twenty years older, the whole thinq would be spreading more slowly we could operate on it." "But... your cells are very younq." "Too young, in fact and I"m afraid there"s..." "there"s nothing we can do." "Wow." "How long?" "Two months, maybe three." "Here"s me thinkinq I was preqnant..." "No, I"m afraid not." "I knew it was something pretty serious when you sat down here beside me." "They"re renovating my office, chanqinq the air-conditioninq and..." "No, that"s not true..." "I can"t sit down in front of someone and tell them that they're qonna die..." "I"ve never been able to... the nurses are beqinning to mention it." "Your family miqht wanna see another doctor, they might want a second opinion." "Someone who tells me the exact same thing as you, but looks me right in the eye?" "Can I qet you a coffee?" "No." "Bourbon?" "Let me quess, you"re goinna offer me a ciqarette?" "No." "Do have a piece of candy?" "A piece of... ?" "Yeah." "It"s pretty good... what flavour is that?" "Ginqer." "It"s pretty good." "It"s a bit hot, but it"s okay." "I"ve..." "I"ve prepared some leaflets, which more or less explain everythinq, and some recipes to help ease the nausea, and I"d like to see you next week." "I've qiven you an appointment and my direct line in case you need to call me." "Yeah..." "Okay." "Do you have another piece of candy?" "One for the road?" "I"m sorry, that was my last one..." "Next week I"II have more... candy." "Your Dad used to drink a bottle of bourbon and call it breakfast" "You get wired if you drink so much as a beer." "You didn't even take drugs during high school, just the odd drag of Don's joint." "Without inhaling, like that guy who used to be President of the United States, that guy Bill Clinton." "So, were they waiting Ionq?" "Oh, qood." "Good, thanks a Iot, Mom." "I owe you one." "No, no, they"re doing blood analysis." "apparently I"ve qot anaemia..." "that"s why I"ve been fainting." "You know they"re like, once they"ve qot you, they don"t want to let you qo." "Trying out some new machine, they"re like little kids." "You know, I should go, Mom," ""cause the nurse is cominq to qet me, I"ve qot to qo." "Okay, bye, thanks a Iot." "Now you feel like you want to take all the drugs in the world." "But all the drugs in the world aren't going to change the feeling that your whole life's been a dream and it's only now that you're waking up." """But I Iike to eat cake in a tub"", Iauqhed the cat." ""You should try it sometime"", Iauqhed the cat as he sat." "And then I qot mad, there was no time for fun." "I said ""Cat you qet out!""" "Hi, Mommy." "Hi." "You"ve been qood?" "Mom, can you tell us a story?" "Daddy says it too fast." "Hey." "Thanks a Iot." "You little monster." "I don"t read them too fast." "How are you?" "Good." "I"ve got anaemia, that"s why I"ve been fainting, so they gave me some iron and vitamins." "How did it qo with Lance?" "I start on Monday." "Hey, no way!" "That"s so good." "Yes." "I know, and there"s enouqh work for a year at Ieast." "That"s so great!" "I know, it"s great." "Did you qive the girls somethinq to eat?" "Daddy qave us milk shakes and fries." "He said we mustn"t tell you." "It was so nice." "Mommy, I ate all my fries and all my milk shake." "Fries are vegetables, right?" "They"re potatoes, which is a very qood food." "It"s one of the food groups." "I'm sorry, it was a little treat." "I just qot a job." "What is wronq with you?" "I"m sorry." "Okay." "The rafters, in a second." "Can I stay, or should I qo?" "You can stay." "That"s okay." "Good niqht, you two." "close our eyes." "close our eyes." "We"re setting off." "Okay?" "Oh, no!" "It"s qetting wavier and wavier and we... and then we splash down in the water." "No," "what"s that?" "Is that a shark?" "It is a shark." "They're really really mad at us." "They thought that this river was the ocean." "They"re really mad!" "Here, I think you should eat those." "Are you going to qo to work?" "Yeah, I"II qo in." "Your mother said she could qet a lift back if you want to rest." "No, I should qo in." "I thouqht you were preqnant." "Yeah." "Me too." "You sure you"re all riqht?" "Yes, I"m qood, I"m just a little bit tired, that"s all." "You know, next month when I qet my paycheck we could qo to WhaIebay Beach." "would you Iike that?" "Yeah, that"d be nice." "Patsy hasn"t even been at the beach before." "Yeah." "I"ve qot a good feeIinq about things, with the swimminq pools, I mean." "I really do." "Thinking." "You're not used to thinking." "When you have your first kid at seventeen with the only man you've ever kissed in your life, and then another kid when you're nineteen, with the same man, and you live in a trailer in your Mom's backyard," "and your Dad's been in jail for ten years, you never have time to think." "Maybe you're so out of practice you've forgotten how." "What is this?" "It"s coffee." "Yes." "I asked for an espresso." "The espresso machine ain"t workinq." "So if the espresso machine wasn"t workinq, then why didn"t you tell me the espresso machine wasn"t working?" "I fiqured you wanted coffee." "You brouqht me a coffee." "I asked for an espresso." "Okay, just relax." "Come back next week, we"II have espresso." "Hey, could you please lend me a pen?" "Sure, honey, just tell me what you want first, so as I can write it down and then I can lend it to you, that way we'II all be happy." "Okay, I"II have..." "Don"t say espresso because the espresso machine ain"t working... don"t say cappuccino "cause it's the same machine." "Okay, I"II have a... a Danish." "Got no more "til tomorrow." "Can I qet then a coffee and just somethinq sweet, Iike anythinq you have that"s sweet." "pineapple cheesecake?" "It's the sweetest thinq we got." "actually it"s the only thinq we"ve qot." "That"s fine, that's qreat." "pineapple cheesecake." "Okay." "There you go, the world"s sweetest cheesecake." "You can keep the pen for as Ionq as you need it." "I already filled in the lottery ticket earlier." "What are you qoing to do if you win?" "Have you decided?" "Have I ever, honey." "I want to be like her." "I want her nose, her mouth, her eyes, her hair, her waist..." "I"m going to be so much like Cher that folks are gonna stop me in the supermarket and say" ""Wasn't it terrible what happened to dear old Sonny?"" "What do you think?" "I think that"s a really fuckinq stupid idea." "I"m just kiddinq." "I think Cher is qreat." "Penny, Patsy, I"m makinq a big heap of pancakes." "If you don"t come riqht this second" "I"m qoinq to eat all of them all by myself." "I"m cominq, Mommy." "Morning, buddy." "Hi, Mommy." "I guess Patsy doesn't want any pancakes, eh?" "No pancakes for Patsy." "Is it Sunday yet?" "Is it my birthday?" "No, but you know what?" "Last niqht I dreamt that you woke up like hunqry Iions and you ate lots of food." "I"II cut it up for you." "There you go." "Are you qoinq to take the kids to school?" "The biqqest lion of them all." "Go qet him, Patsy." "Bye." "I Iove you, my little lions," "I Iove you so much." "I Iove you." "I kind of want... somethinq different." "Different..." "To what I"ve qot at the moment, I mean." "I couId do you braids, but it wouId take all day... and I'm on my own here on Wednesdays, so..." "Not braids." "No way." "well, you"ve qot good hair for braids." "And you asked for somethinq different, so..." "Braids are fine." "They look qreat on you, but..." "I was thinkinq of somethinq more..." "How about blonde?" "blonde?" "Something to kind of..." "briqhten up my face a bit." "Something briqht." "Like this?" "I was also wondering about false nails." "I don"t have any nails and..." "The girl who does the nails doesn"t come in Wednesdays." "You what then, why I don"t just come back tomorrow then." "We can do it all at the same time, can"t we?" "Braids as well?" "I"II think about it." "Ok, I"II see you tomorrow." "Bye." "I had two conventions today and I had to make a cake for three hundred people in the shape of a tyre." "I"m beat." "Even my hips ache." "I think I'm qoinq to make an appointment to see the doctor tomorrow." "My knee"s actinq up aqain as well." "That damn cake must have weiqhed 30 pounds." "How about you?" "You feeIinq any better?" "Yeah, I'm feeling fine." "They say it"s goinq to snow this weekend, but I don"t think so." "I hate the snow." "I Iike the snow even less than I Iike the rain." "...because you'll never be anything but a common frump whose father lived over a grocery store and whose mother took in washing." "With this money, I can get away from every rotten stinking thing that makes me think of this place or you." "You must think I'm on a string." "Go away, Veda, come back, Veda ." "It isn't that easy." "Alone." "You're alone." "You've never been so alone in your live." "Lies are your only company." "GONE TO THE LAUNDROMAT." "WE"RE OUT FO CLEAN CLOTHES." "Can I get you something?" "Can I get a MoIson Canadian, please?" "Hi!" "Hi." "I haven"t seen you here before." "No." "I"m sorry about the thinq with the braids this morning." "I shouldn"t really have suqqested it, but I was havinq a kind of weird morninq... you ever qet those?" "You know, when youjust can"t face the world?" "It"s very stressful beinq a hairdresser, people expect a Iot from you and sometimes you can"t stand the pressure." "people want you to make them beautiful but sometimes it"s just not possible." "You know what?" "Don"t worry about it," "I wasn"t having a qreat morninq either, so..." "Now, can I ask you a personal question?" "Do you Iike MiIIi vanilli?" "You mean those guys in shorts who didn"t sinq." "Oh, you"re wronq there." "They did sinq, but their producer wouldn"t let them." "He practically bIackmaiIed them and said he would tell everyone their secret, and he qot all the royalties." "It was so unfair." "And later they showed that they could sinq, but you know no one listened to them." "They were too fraqiIe for the music industry." "What kind of music do you Iike?" "Music?" "God, I haven"t listened to any music in so Ionq." "I used to like Nirvana." "I went to one of their concerts... actually it was their last concert." "That"s actually where I met Don, my husband." "He was..." "hold that thouqht, Ijust qot to qet up and dance." "The DJ"s a friend of mine." "I"II be back." "I"m qoinq to qo qet a cup coffee next door." "I was wonderinq if maybe you wanted me to qo and qet you one too?" "No, thanks." "Yeah, actually, please, yeah." "Sure." "milk and suqar, please." "Thanks." "Your coffee"s cold." "I was kind of tired." "I washed, folded your laundry." "Thanks." "I didn"t forget the softener, did I?" "No, you forqot the soap." "Were you watchinq me while I was asleep?" "Yeah, for a little while." "Sorry." "Why?" "I was snorinq or...?" "No, you were drooIinq." "You drool when you sleep." "Are you that girl?" "That qirI at the coffee shop that was writinq in a journal the other day?" "Thanks for the jacket." "It"s yours, isn"t it?" "Yeah, you can keep it if you want." "It's mighty cold out there and I"m used to it." "I was in alaska for three years, I lived there, I mean, two and a half." "It"s all riqht." "I really like the cold." "It makes me feel really alive." "I"ve got to run." "I"ve got two younq kids." "You know how it is." "Sure." "Thanks." "I"II see you around." "My name"s Lee." "Ann." "Are you sure that you don't need the jacket?" "No, no." "Go ahead, take it." "Okay." "I"ve never been to alaska." "I always really liked the sound of it." "I"II brinq the jacket back, don"t worry." "No." "I want you to have it." "I Iike the idea of you wearinq it." "That"s nice." "I"II brinq it back, don"t worry." "You see things clearly now." "You see all these all these barrelled lifes, barrelled voices." "Milli Vanilli everywhere." "You look at all the things you can't buy, now you don't even wanna buy." "All the things that will still be here after you're gone." "When you're dead." "And then you realize that all the things in the bright window displays, all the models in the catalogues, all the colours, all the special offers, all the Martha Stewart recipes, all the piles of greasy food," "it's just all thereto try and keep us away from death." "And it doesn't work." "So, it turns out that she loved her dauqhter so much that she didn't tell her that she was her mother, because she didn"t... she thouqht that would be better, the boy"s parents would accept her better" "and the boy would ask her to marry him, which was what she wanted most in the whole world." "But it was a huqe sacrifice, and she suffered a whole lot," "Mommy, Grandma told us a beautiful story about a mom who has lots of bad thinqs happen to her, and it"s really sad." "Goodness, how unusual." "I bathed them and Penny ate three slices of banana bread and Patsy drank some milk." "lately she"s been kind of off it." "Grandma"s story"s a movie," "Mommy, and she says she likes it a Iot." "really?" "Yeah, Joan Crawford." "Joan Crawford, that"s qreat!" "Okay, Iet"s qo, guys." "Patsy, put that down." "Patsy." "We"re qoinq." "I just wanted to keep them entertained, you know, so they don"t watch so much TV." "Next time I"II keep my mouth shut." "Mommy, I don"t want to qo to school tomorrow." "I don"t want to." "I know, I know." "I said thanks, okay?" "So just drop it." "I don"t need your thanks." "Okay, so I'II take them back then." "AII I did was watch your kids while you did your shopping." "You asked me to." "Yeah, I asked you to." "I didn"t ask you to fill their heads with stupid stories about mothers makinq dumb-ass sacrifices." "What kind of stories do you want me to tell them?" "cinderella?" "About murderous step-mothers?" "Is that what you want?" "Yes!" "There"s times that you"re just like your father, and let me tell you, it"s not somethinq I Iike." "You"re wrong, there"s times that I"m just like you, and it"s not something I Iike either." "I"m sorry, it"s just really tanqIed." "Patsy"s always whininq." "Penny, please don"t pick on her." "You always complain when I brush your hair too." "Why do you have to do that?" "I wasn"t pickinq on her." "And telling me that she"s always compIaininq, that"s not pickinq on her?" "I think so." "I wasn"t pickinq on her." "I"m not always compIaininq." "Okay, that"s enouqh, quys." "Go to bed, okay?" "Okay, qood night, monkey girl." "You qot kitty?" "Yeah." "There you go." "You"ve qot some covers." ""Night, buddy." "You don"t want me to kiss you?" "I wasn"t pickinq on her." "Penny, that is enouqh, I said, okay?" "It"s true you"re just like Grandma." "Hey." "Do you want some leftover chicken?" "Aren"t you qoing to say hello?" "How many beers have you had?" "well, one or two or... four." "I don"t know." "You want some chicken or don"t you?" "I want a kiss." "I want a biq, juicy kiss." "Here"s some chicken." "Great." "Chicken." "It"s qood." "Have the qirIs been in bed Ionq?" "Yeah, a little while." "Penny's was pickinq on Patsy aqain." "I told her not to and she qot kind of mad at me." "She did?" "Yeah, a little bit." "We started a pool out at Rushmore today." "Oh yeah?" "Yeah." "It"s crescent-shaped." "It"s going to look wild." "These people, they got a three-story house, a porch out of ""Gone With the Wind"" and everythinq." "It's beautiful." "Are you happy?" "With the swimming pool thinq, I mean." "Yeah, it"s qood." "It"s not Iike the factory but it"s better than nothing." "I"m going to qet to work." "You not just going to leave me here alone qnawinq on a cold chicken bone, are you?" "If you Iike you can always heat it up, but I thouqht you really loved cold food." "Why don"t you just eat it cold?" "will you sing to me?" "No, I have to qo to work." "You know how much I Iove it when you sinq to me." "please." "Just sinq to me." "Hi." "Hi." "Bye..." "Bye..." "Hey, my buddy Penny." "I"m not going to be at your birthday party, but there"s nothing I"d like more in the whole, wide world." "I bet Grandma's made a special birthday cake just for you with your name on it in big chocolate letters." "Penny, I want you to know that the day that you were born" "I held you in my arms and that was the happiest day in my whole life." "I was so happy I couldn"t even speak." "I just stroked your tiny little feet and I cried with happiness." "Without you I couId have never found out that lions eat pancakes or that the bed could be a raft." "Try and look after Patsy, okay?" "I know it"s hard "cause sometimes she makes you mad and everythinq." "I know it"s not easy beinq a biq sister, but I know that you can do it, okay?" "Mommy sends you millions and millions of kisses." "Happy birthday, my darIinq little Patsy." "Now you"re five!" "I'II bet that Penny looks after you now." "I bet that she doesn"t pick on you anymore." "Honey, I don't want you to be sad that I"m not at your birthday, okay?" "Promise?" "I remember your first birthday really well, you know?" "I remember how you started to cry and you wouldn"t stop because you didn"t like how we were sinqinq ""Happy Birthday""." "Every time we started to sing, you"d just scream and yell because you didn"t like how we were sinqinq." "Happy birthday, my little buddy." "Mommy loves you to bits." "Buddy, I want you to be happy." "I know sometimes it"s not easy 'cause sometimes thinqs happen and people aren"t always like you want them to be." "talk to your Dad if there"s thinqs botherinq you, okay?" "He knows more than you"d think, seriously, if there"s something botherinq you and you"re not sure about something, just ask him and he"II tell you." "Grandma knows a Iot of thinqs, too." "I really hope she"II explain them to you." "Try and be patient with her, OK?" "She is a qood person, even if sometimes it doesn"t always seem that way..." "None of the things she"s always dreamed about ever came true, you know?" "Try and understand her." "Don"t let her make you mad." "If you qet a new Mom, try and love her, okay?" "Don't make life impossible for her just out of some loyalty to me or somethinq like that." "Just I don"t know..." "I know it"s not the same." "...and whatever happens, you finish school, even if you think it sucks, and you don't know if you can take it anymore, you just finish school." "I"d like to be able to tell you stuff about boys and boyfriends and relationships and that kind of stuff," "I think I wouldn"t be much help." "I was seventeen when you were born, Penny, exactly how old you are right now." "You have to have faith in yourself." "You have to have faith in your ability to do thinqs, to just make a go of it." "Lots of kisses and cuddles, even thouqh I know you"re not a small little thing anymore." "Ann, is somethinq wrong?" "What is it?" "Is it that diet you're on?" "How come you"re throwinq up?" "You"re not takinq those sIimminq pills, are you?" "You want to know why I"m throwinq up?" "You really want to know?" "I"m throwing up because when I was eiqht years old the qirI who was supposed to be my best friend told everyone I was a slut." "I"m throwing up "cause when I was fifteen years old" "I didn't qet invited to the only party I ever wanted to qo to in my entire life." "I"m throwinq up because when I was seventeen I had my first kid and I had to qrow up overniqht." "And I've qot no more dreams." "Without dreams you can"t fuckinq live." "I"m throwinq up because since they put my dad in jail I haven"t seen him." "I don't have anything from him," "I don"t even have a single fucking postcard." "And in all the commercials everybody is so fuckinq happy and all day Ionq my two little dauqhters sinq those stupid fuckinq sonqs from those stupid fuckinq commercials." "If I beq you, if I qet down on my knees to beg you... please, don"t qive me the name of that diet you"re on." "I didn"t wake you up, did I?" "It's Ann." "Can I brinq you back your book now?" "Yeah, right now." "Yeah, okay, I know where that is." "I should have qiven you a raincoat." "Come on in." "It"s qot a bit wet." "Don"t worry about it." "What happened?" "You didn"t keep up the payments on your furniture and they took it all away?" "No." "well, actually, I was planning on gettinq some furniture one day," "I just didn"t really have the time." "Sorry, I"d offer you something, but I don"t have anythinq." "I don't even have any qIasses." "Not even like a cookie or somethinq?" "Nothinq." "if I knew you were coming, I would have bought somethinq." "I can live without cookies." "Who took all your furniture?" "Someone... took it... yeah." "You don't want to qet anymore because you think she miqht come back?" "You wanna sit down?" "Thanks." "Are they okay?" "What did you do in alaska?" "I"m a surveyor." "I survey land for buiIdinq hiqhways, bridqes and thinqs like that." "Before that I was in" "chile." "And before that I was in" "North carolina, and before that halifax." "What are your dauqhters call?" "Penny and Patsy." "would you Iike to see a photograph?" "Okay." "They look happy." "They look like you." "Do I Iook happy?" "Not happy." "You look beautiful." "You look like your qirIs." "You"ve been thinkinq about me?" "Yeah." "I"ve been thinking about you a Iot." "Too much." "I"ve got a sister, you know, who... she works for this radio company up north." "And she makes these tapes for me that she sends to me, music that she likes and" "I"ve qot the latest one out in my car right now." "We could go listen to it, if you want..." "If you don't kiss me riqht now, I"m going to scream." "Shut up!" "If you don't kiss me riqht now, I'm qoinna fuckinq scream." "hello, Ann." "This some kind of therapy to qet over your shyness?" "Somethinq like that." "So you didn"t come last week." "There didn"t seem to be a Iot of point." "I have to qive you a further scan and a fuller biopsy." "No, I'm sorry." "I don"t want any of those thinqs, okay?" "I need to feel like I"ve got some control." "So I don't want any more tests if they"re not goinq to save me." "I don"t want to die here." "I will not have the only thing my kids remember about me be a hospital ward." "So why are you here?" "It"s this packaqe." "I want you to look after it for me." "I don"t know." "What is it?" "I"ve recorded birthday messaqes for both of my dauqhters, for every birthday till they"re eiqhteen." "And you want me to give these, don"t you?" "Why don"t you ask your husband?" ""Cause..." ""cause Don, you know, he"d lose them or maybe he"d qive them to them next year, and maybe the year after that, or maybe he"d qive them to them all at once." "They wouldn"t understand a thinq if he did that, so... please tell me you"II do it, please." "I"II only do it if you promise to come here every week and I have to give you medication." "I would imagine that the nausea"s qot worse, you"re not eating." "Dying"s not as easy as it looks." "But there"s no need for you to have to feel terrible all the time." "It"s just..." "It"s just I"m kind of afraid" "I"m qoinq to come in here one day and I"m never gonna leave... and I"ve qot to so much I have to do before I die," "I have so many thinqs I have to do." "I have to do them, or..." "It'II only bejust some painkillers." "I promise we won"t do any more tests, just somethinq to ease the pain." "And anyway..." "I brought you some candies." "So you"II look after it for me?" "Of course." "Let"s just say it"s part of your therapy." "God." "These candies are so qood." "I don"t qet it." "I"ve been countinq my calories today, and I can"t have eaten more than 1500, and in theory I need 2000, so in theory I should have lost weiqht, and I just weiqhed myself before I Ieft the house" "and I weiqh nearly a pound more than I did yesterday." "It must be my metabolism." "They should qive us compensation for slow metabolisms, qive us some kind of allowance." "Laurie, you want to come over for dinner tomorrow night?" "Yeah, I"d Iove to." "Great." "Diet food, I hope." "I don"t want to ruin my diet." "It's cold in the supermarket, and you like it like that" "People always read the labels of their favourite brands really really carefully just to see how many chemicals they have, and then they just sigh and they put them in their cartanyway, like they're saying sure it's bad for me," "it's bad for my family but we like it" "No one ever thinks about death in a supermarket" "Sixty dollars and forty eiqht cents." "girls, you finish those mashed potatoes, okay?" "Oh, God." "These ribs are so great." "How did you qet them so tender?" "I leave them soakinq in my fridqe in milk for a couple of hours." "You leave them soakinq in milk in the fridqe for a couple of hours." "I must try and remember that." "Patsy, stop playing with your food." "Ann, tell Patsy to stop pIayinq with her food." "You do what your Dad tells you to do, okay?" "Stop pIayinq with your food." "Try and eat a little more." "It"s more fun playing with it than eating it." "You know that eatinq food can be fun too?" "Why?" "well because... because you"re doing new things, you"re tryinq new thinqs and that"s fun." "Mashed potatoes isn"t new." "It"s more fun doing things with it." "Laurie, why don"t you have some more sauce?" "Here, Don made it himself." "Goodness me." "I didn"t know your husband cooked." "I didn"t know there were husbands that cooked." "It wasn"t really cookinq." "I just added honey to a bottle of barbecue sauce." "well that"s better than nothinq." "You could have lied, said you made the whole thing." "No, Don would never lie." "He wouldn"t even know how." "How did you two quys meet?" "We met at a Nirvana concert." "actually it was the Iast Nirvana concert before Kurt Cobain..." "No, my God." "Did you save the tickets?" "They must be worth a fortune by now." "No, no we didn"t save them." "No, we were sort of too excited to keep them." "Ann spent the whole concert cryinq." "I didn"t really like Nirvana back then, so I was this kind of bored and I was looking around," "and that"s when I saw Ann." "She was this beautiful girl just crying her eyes out, so I went up to her and I offered her a handkerchief, but I didn"t have a handkerchief," "I didn"t even have a paper one, so I just..." "I took off my T-shirt and I gave it to her." "Thats how we met." "That"s really romantic." "Do you have any more mashed potato?" "Yeah, sure." "You"re a piq." "She"s basically a nice person, you know?" "Oh Christ, Ann." "Don"t talk so loud." "Penny"s right." "I mean, the woman ate eight ribs." "And they were fuckinq huqe ribs." "Did you see those things?" "I know, but..." "Fuckinq huqe." "Her fiance dumped her the day before her weddinq, you know." "He invited her to an AII You Can Eat and they wanted to charqe her triple?" "That"s not funny, Don." "That"s not funny." "Food can be fun." "Food can be fun." "She's a really nice person." "lately she"s qot this obsession." "Yeah, lately you seem to have the opposite." "It"s the anaemia." "Gonna qo qet more vitamins this week, go to the hospital." "Do you want me to come with you?" "No, don"t worry, I can manaqe." "Ok." "Toniqht I realized how lucky we were to meet that night." "I mean, in spite of everythinq, in spite of Iivinq in this shit hole," "in spite of never havinq anythinq new, in spite of never qoing on vacation." "You never complained once, not once." "I would..." "I would Iike to be better for you." "I Iove you, you know that?" "Don"t you ever forqet that." "I Iove you." "What are you doinq?" "I"m sweepinq up." "What are you doing?" "I'm the queen witch and I'm teaching this little witch how to make spells." "I'm the little witch." "really?" "And what kind of spells are you doinq?" "Oh, just normal spells, turning frogs into cars and turninq Iizards into airplanes." "You know how to do that?" "Are you qoinq to teach me?" "Sure!" "Hi, there." "I"m Ann." "I see you"ve already met Penny and Patsy." "Yeah." "I"m also Ann." "Oh yeah?" "There you go." "Nice to meet you." "So you just moved in or..?" "Yeah, a few days aqo." "I was just tryinq to do some gardening or somethinq." "Looks qreat." "They"re so sweet." "Their little gets ups on." "Listen, this is kind of a weird question since we just met and everythinq, but I was wonderinq," "I"m just heading out for about half an hour'cause both my husband and my mom aren"t back yet." "I was wonderinq if there was any chance of you keeping an eye on them for the next half hour if you"re around." "Of course." "No problem." "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I"m qoinq to be here all day and they were qoinq to show me how to do some spells, so..." "There you go." "They"re very qood at spells, so..." "Okay." "Thanks a Iot." "Bye, guys." "You behave yourselves, okay?" "Ann"s qonna watch you for a little bit." "Thank you so much." "It"s okay." "So, help me here." "Who"s Patsy and who"s Penny?" "My body hurt thinking you weren"t qonna come." "I wasn't qonna come." "I"m glad you did." "Is this one of your sister's tapes?" "Yeah." "would you Iike to dance?" "...and then the little Mermaid said to the Taxi Driver" """I wanna see New York City." "please, show me New York.'"" ""Cause it's so big." "You can"t..." "you can"t just walk around New York." "So the taxi driver took her to the Empire State BuiIdinq, and you know it"s so hiqh it has two elevators because they couldn"t find just one cable to build one, you know?" "They had to build two." "So he got on the first elevator and then on the second elevator that"s as fast as a space rocket, and they qot to the top of the Empire State buiIdinq and the little Mermaid was Iookinq down and she said" """Oh, my God." "people look like ants, they"re so small...'"" "Hey, guys." "hello, there." "We played witches and princesses." "And Ann did our braids." "Oh, they look beautiful." "Thank you, Ann." "I"m sorry I took so Ionq." "No, that was fine." "We had a great time." "Were you guys qood?" "Yeah." "Good." "Want your witches hats?" "Tomorrow can you finish the story about the mermaid" "and the taxi driver?" "Of course." "My pleasure." "Give Ann a kiss qoodbye." "We have to qo have bath and supper time now, but maybe we can come back and hear the end of that story, okay?" "Thank you so much, Ann." "Let"s qo." "Hey, Ann?" "Yeah?" "I was just qoing to make some coffee." "Do you want to come over?" "Great." "Just let me finish doinq this." "Okay." "Do you take suqar?" "No, no it"s aIriqht." "You"re not on a diet, are you?" "No." "Why?" "should I?" "No." "I just have this friend who"s obsessed with diets and calories and..." "Boring." "No, and I've seen too many people sick with anorexia and bulimia." "I"m a nurse." "That"s why." "Is that so?" "So I"m not really bothered." "You know, you"ve qot really cute kids." "Yeah, they"re qreat, aren't they?" "What about you?" "You want kids?" "No, I don"t think so." "Why not?" "I mean, you think it"s stupid to brinq them into the world, or...?" "Just haven"t found the riqht guy, or...?" "No, I haven"t." "No, but it"s not that either, no." "Do you think you can"t?" "No." "well," "I don"t know, actually." "But..." "I was in my last year of nursinq coIIeqe." "We were doinq some work experience in a paediatric hospital." "I"d decided to specialize in kids, because I"ve always liked them." "Maybe because I was an only child." "I don't know." "Anyway, one niqht I was on duty, and they called me in to help with a birth." "This woman was overdue, she was expectinq twins, and the babies were in danqer." "So they decided to do a caesarean and the mother was put under a general anaesthetic." "And... it turned out they were Siamese twins." "They were born without one torso..." "one set of Iunqs... they hardly cried." "They weren"t horrible to look at." "No, they were just like any other baby." "But there was no way they were qoinq to survive." "It's impossible." "So we put them in an incubator while the doctors talked to the father about what they should do." "The father didn"t even wanna see them." "So they decided to take them out of the incubator and wait for them to die." "And I offered to be with them until they..." "I couldn"t bear the thouqht of them dying alone in a cold hospital room." "They lived thirty hours." "I held them in my arms thirty hours." "I sanq every song I knew, sonqs from the world they could never see, but..." "Anyway, they just qrew smaller and smaller in my arms." "First the boy died, and... six hours later the qirI died." "So... since then I"ve specialized in geriatric nursinq." "I"m so sorry, Ann." "I don"t know why I told you this story." "Thanks for the coffee." "You know what?" "I better be qoinq." "No, I'm sorry." "Do you want to come over for dinner next week?" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, no, I would really love you to." "I know the girls would really love it too, because you have to tell them the end of that mermaid story, they love that story." "I"d Iove to, Ann." "And you know, that story is happy." "Thank you so much, I'd love to." "Read me somethinq." "Read me something that you"re reading riqht now." "I"m readinq a very sad book at the moment." "beautiful, but sad." "It can"t be as sad as the story I heard today." "tell it to me." "I can"t." "It"II make me too sad." "You don"t wanna tell it to me because its part of your life, and you don"t want me to know anythinq about your life." "I Iike it that you don"t ask me anythinq about my Iife." "I don"t ask you anything because I"ve learned not to." "When you look at somebody, you miqht see" "fifty per cent of who they are," "and wantinq to know the rest, that"s what destroys everything." "That"s what I learnt." "Whoever took away your furniture really taught you a lesson, eh?" "That"s all she left me." "You really want me to read you somethinq?" "please." "Read me somethinq." "Okay." "Pick somethinq." "'"To the Wedding"' by John Berger." """Her capacities qo out one by one, and there"s no niqht, no stars," "only a cellar from which she can never walk and which nobody else can stay." "She"s qiven medicines which make her ill, but would stop her dying." "For a little while." "They"re scared." "I"m scared."'" "You know, I don"t think it was that bad." "No, I Iike it." "Ijust don"t want to read riqht now." "I lied." "When I said that when you look at somebody you know fifty per cent." "I quess when I Iook at you I see," "I don"t know, maybe ten per cent... and that ten per cent is..." "It"s not so bad." "Is it?" "It"s my birthday today." "Wish me a happy birthday." "Happy birthday, mom." "Aren"t you going to start the car?" "I've qot something to tell you, Mom." "It must be serious, otherwise you"d tell me while you were drivinq." "I need to know where my Dad is." "Are you qoinq to qo and see him?" "Because that buqs you?" "No, not even that can make me mad anymore." "This time last year, this very same day, my birthday," "I thouqht I should do somethinq, I don"t know why." "So I..." "I put on some makeup and the least old clothes I couId find and I went to a bar." "And I ordered a whisky and started talking to the bartender." "He was just a kid, he"d just started at the hotel, it was his first job," "and we chatted about this and that, and I told him it was my birthday." "About five minutes later he presented me with a bowl of peanuts with a candle in." "And I..." "I started to cry." "I cried so hard the kid qot scared, and he blew out the candle, and hid the bowl of peanuts, and I said "'No, don"t blow out the candle." "Don"t hide the peanuts.""" "And all this year, all I couId think about was that bowl of peanuts and how I started to cry." "So this year, I baked myself a cake." ""Cause I knew if I went back to that bar, I"d qive that kid a heart attack." "Start the car." "Five minutes." "You're almost done, too." "Am I hurtinq you?" "No, not at all." "She"s great with nails." "Now, don"t you ask her to qive you a perm or braids or anythinq, but with nails, she"s the best." "I"ve qot a manicure diploma and everythinq." "I"m not interested in hair or heads." "Give me hands every time." "So do you Iike MiIIi vanilli as well?" "I"m from Seqovia." "We don"t have any mill VaniIIi in Segovia." "milli vanilli is universal." "Thank you very much." "Thanks." "So, see you soon." "No." "No?" "You know, braids really suit you." "They look really great on you." "You think so?" "Yeah." "Bye." "Hi..." "Hi." "How are you, Ann?" "This is Penny and this is Patsy." "Penny"s six and Patsy"s four." "They"re very pretty younq girls." "You haven"t been wasting your time." "You could say that." "What about your husband?" "Don?" "Ah, he builds swimminq pools." "Swimminq pools, no less?" "Yeah, he"s doing pretty qood." "I qot work here, you know." "Sewinq sports shoes toqether." "You know, a sports shoe can take up to 86 different pieces." "Did you know that?" "No." "We sew the side pieces on here, and then in another jail they finish them off." "It"s qood work." "Sure." "people are always qonna want to need shoes, huh?" "Ann, I suppose your mother still hates me." "Dad, Mom hates everyone." "Yeah, I bet she hates me the most." "Sometimes, yeah." "Some of us... just can"t live the kind of Iife that other people want us to live." "No matter how hard you try, you just can"t do it." "I quess." "You believe me, don"t you?" "Yeah." "I believe you." "It"s hard." "Like you know you love someone and you can"t make them happy." "It"s kind of like you love them, but... you can"t Iove them the way they wanna be loved, you know what I mean?" "If you send me the kids" shoes sizes, I can make some shoes for them." "Okay." "I want to touch your face." "I remember how it used to feel." "I"ve forgotten a Iot of things." "I remember that." "I remember, you used to before you"d leave the house you"d put on this record of rinqing bells" "and then you"d just leave the house like right away." "I used to like to hear the music from the house as I was waIkinq down the street." "It was really pretty." "It was?" "It was always the same record." "It was the mule Serenade." "It was really pretty." "Take care of yourself, Dad, okay?" "Yeah, you too." "And remember to send me the girls" shoe sizes, okay?" "Yeah, I will." "Going to have a good day at school?" "Give me a kiss." "Okay, have a good day." "I hope you feel better, Mommy." "I want you to feel better, yeah." "Okay." "You have a good day, all riqht?" "Bye." "Hey, Patsy." "Give me a cuddle, Mommy." "I'II qive you a cuddle." "How"s that for a cuddle?" "Okay." "I need to qo now." "You have to qo to school now?" "Okay." "I know, you"re in a bit of a hurry." "Are you sure this is anaemia?" "Maybe we should qo see another doctor?" "No, I know it"s anaemia." "They did like a million tests and I"ve been takinq all the vitamins." "They just told me I need to rest." "I took care of all of you guys when you were sick, it"s your turn to take care of me." "Okay." "I think I"m goinq to like takinq care of you." "Yeah?" "Let"s see if you"re any qood at it." "Okay." "Bye." "Don," "I want you to understand why I didn"t tell you I was goinna die." "It was like..." "It was like the only present I couId qive you and the qirIs, to save you all the trips to the hospital and all the stress and the waitinq around in waiting rooms and I know if you think about it," "you"II know that I"m riqht." "Now you have to be happy, and you have to look after the qirIs, you have to make them happy too." "Dream up a heaven for me." "Don"t let them be sad when they remember me." "You just remind them of all the great thinqs we did toqether." "I Iove you, Don." "You'II always be the guy who took off his T-shirt to wipe away my tears..." "Sorry it's so out of key." "It always kind of was, thouqh." "Hi, Mom." "well, I quess you"re never going to forqive me for not teIIinq you I was qoinq to die." "So, it"s just one more thinq to blame the world for, I guess." "I love you." "I know you love me." "I know you adore the qirIs, so please" "tell them that." "Try and show like you love them just a little bit every day." "And try to enjoy life, you know, a little, just a little bit." "I mean, maybe at some point you could qo on a date." "That would be fun, or you could put an ad in the paper or anythinq." "I just think you could have a little fun." "You"re really beautiful and you"ve got a qreat heart and just try and enjoy stuff more." "Please help Don." "You can tell the girls any stories you Iike, even Joan Crawford movies." "Your sister really knows how to pick a song, hey." "You like it?" "Yeah, it's qreat." "It's blossom Dearie." "You ever heard of her?" "No." "What"s that?" "blossom Dearie?" "Oh, she"s amazinq." "She's still sinqing and she"s 83 years old." "83?" "And she plays in this little club behind a Chinese lounge and she has this tiny little voice, this tiny little body and such personality and..." "83." "Yeah, she"s 83." "I"d Iove to take you there." "Ann, there"s so many places I"d like to take you." "tell me about all the places you'd Iike to take me." "Okay." "In the south of chile, there"s a desert, it"s stunning, pure white and flat as far as the eye can see and the only thing that breaks the line of the horizon are these robin-egq blue little houses" "and in the morninq, the sky qoes completely green." "It"s unworIdIy." "And in Argentina, a glacier lake, and in the sprinq when the thaw comes on," "these huge blocks of ice, I mean huge, the size of apartment buiIdinqs, come sIidinq off the qIacier into the lake" "and then your heart is poundinq out of your chest, it"s terrifyinq." "And Mexico and alaska..." "Are you OK?" "What"s the matter?" "I"m not goinq to see these places." "What is it?" "What"s the matter?" "You don"t wanna tell me?" "I"m so sorry, Lee." "I really need to get out of here." "Okay." "Waiter!" "Can I qet the check?" "Thank you." "I always wanted to come here." "could you get them to put this in a doqqy baq for me?" "Sure." "Thanks." "Okay, I"II meet you outside, okay?" "You have to qo." "He"s qonna be here any minute." "He works nearby." "It"s better if he comes and picks me up." "This happens occasionally, so..." "Ann, there"s somethinq that I have to tell you, and I have to tell you now." "I Iove you." "I"m in love with you... and the world seems less terrible because you exist." "I feel like I wanna be with you for the rest of my Iife, and all that, the palpitations, and the nerves, and the pain, and the happiness, and the fear..." "I wanna..." "I wanna touch you all the time." "I wanna take care of you, and your girls and... and even find your husband a decent job and get you a house" "that doesn"t have wheels and..." "careful." "That sounds like a classic case of faIIinq in love." "I am in love." "I'm classically in love." "The classic husband who"s qonna be here any minute, and the classic depression that sets in every time you qo off with him, and the cryinq and the tears and everythinq." "I"II qo." "Though I don"t want to see you drivinq off with some guy, you know?" "Someone you don"t know." "So, I"II be watching." "unless of course it"s your husband." "Ann, I feel terrible." "I invited you over to dinner and now you have to do all the work." "That"s okay, Ijust have to heat up this." "So I still don"t understand why you had to qo to the restaurant in your condition..." "I told you I thouqht I was feeIinq better." "A bad case of anaemia isn"t something you should take IiqhtIy." "You should rest." "Yes, listen to Nurse Ann, Ann." "And you know what?" "I think you could go wash your hands, "cause this is ready." "Go wash up, qirIs." "Don..." "Yeah?" "You too." "AII riqht, yes ma"am." "You pray that this will be your life without you... you pray that the girls will love this woman who has the same name as you," "and that your husband will end up loving her too, and that they can live in the house next door, and the girls can play doll houses in the trailer, and barely remember their mother who used to sleep during the day, and take them on raft rides in bed." "You pray that they will have moments of happiness so intense that all of their problems will seem insignificant in comparison." "You don't know who or what you're praying to, but you pray." "You don't even regret the life that you're not gonna have, because by then you'll be dead, and the dead don't feel anything, not even regret" "My darling Lee, I guess by the time you get this tape you'll know that I'm dead" "and, well, all that.." "Maybe you're angry with me, or hurt or sad or upset or maybe you're all of it together." "I just want you to know that I fell in love with you." "I didn't dare tell you 'cause I thought you kind of knew, and I didn't realize I had so little time." "Actually, time is the one thing I haven't had enough of recently." "Life is so much better than you think, my love." "I know, because you managed to fall in love with me even though you saw, what was it you said ten per cent?" "." "Five maybe?" "Maybe if you'd seen it all, you wouldn't have liked me." "Or you would have liked me in spite of everything." "I guess we'll never know." "Oh, and one last thing..." "Lee, for God's sake just paint your walls and buy some furniture." "Alright?" "I don't want the next woman you take home to get the wrong idea about you and run off before she gets a chance to know you." "Not everyone's as crazy as I am." "I loved dancing with you."