"~ Here we sit, and we chatter ~" "~ What are we thinkin' of?" "~" "~ Let's not make with the patter ~" "~ Baby ~" "~ Let's make love ~" "~ If you roar like a lion ~" "~ I could coo like a dove ~" "~ If you're sold, begin buying' ~" "~ Baby ~" "~ Let's make love ~" "~ No, don't turn TV on ~" "~ Instead just turn me on ~" "~ I light up like neon ~" "~ Just a tiny section of your affection in my direction'll do ~" "~ You'll just love my embraces ~" "~ Cos they'll fit like a glove ~" "~ We'll be off to the races ~" "~ Baby ~" "~ Kiss me, baby ~" "~ Let's make love ~" "Don't just lay there." "Honey, do something." "One of the great fortunes of the world began here on the outskirts of Tours in 17th-century France." "Jean-Marc Clément was a farmer, but not a very good one." "Contemporaries state that with fertile land and plenty of water, he couldn't grow mud." "But he didn't have to." "While hoeing for potatoes, he found a chest of gold." "This is thought to be the origin of the phrase "lots of potatoes"." "From then on, Jean-Marc farmed money." "In Paris, the second Jean-Marc was the kind of man who could form a syndicate in an empty room." "Balloons were the rage of France." "Jean-Marc bought a balloon factory and prospered." "He was a completely dedicated man, interested in balloons of every kind." "He died in 1777, leaving well over 300,000 francs." "The cause of death was listed as..." ""excessive interest in balloons"." "The third Jean-Marc Clément just happened to own a cannon factory." "He supplied munitions for the French army." "He was so fair-minded, people say he supplied the enemy also." "His interests grew and grew, until the day the munitions factory blew up." "Unfortunately, it was one of the few mornings Jean-Marc reported to work." "He left millions and was the first Clément to die vertically." "The fourth Clément carried on the basic traditions of the family, which is to say, a prudent marriage plus a lively interest in balloons." "This lively interest led to a duel." "The result was officially listed as a tie, but Jean-Marc took a short sabbatical in New York." "While there, he picked up 800 acres of property." "It was in the low-rent district then known as Wall Street." "He returned to the gay life of Paris and threw his life away." "His indiscretions with rich widows brought in less than a million francs a year." "The fifth Clément was a man who went first-class." "He liked railroads." "By 1855 he owned 43 of them." "And steamships." "He owned a total of 19 different lines." "His dash for power ended the next year, when negotiations for the purchase of the Atlantic Ocean broke down." "The sixth Clément was pure patriot." "He pioneered the Statue of Liberty, and talked a Mr Eiffel into building some sort of sightseeing tower." "At the time, Jean-Marc controlled all the steel in France." "He died in 1890, leaving 400 million." "His son immediately set out to make money." "He'd run across a man who had some old blueprints in the attic." "The basic patent rights on this notion brought a good steady income, more than enough to cover his losses on horses, and women, most of whom were courted on a yacht called "The Harem"." "And of course, there was the old family devotion to sightseeing towers." "Jean-Marc put up 700 of them near Waco, Texas." "He died mysteriously at the age of 91 aboard a yacht, "Harem III"." "After the usual deductions were made, he left a fortune estimated on the foreign exchange mart as $1 billion." "As a guide to those in the audience who may not have a billion dollars, let it be stated that the interest on the interest on a billion dollars is $70,000 a week." "This is the New York office of the worldwide Clément Enterprises." "The current Jean-Marc Clément seems to embody all the traits of his forebears." "Good traits and, cynics point out, perhaps a few bad ones." "I also like the one I heard in Paris yesterday about the man who taught his dog to play poker." "But the poor dog was a terrible gambler, because every time he got a good hand, he'd wag his tail." " So funny!" " Oh, that's marvellous." " Oh, that's terrific." " Goodbye." "A great storyteller." "And the way he tells a story is certainly..." "Hi." "I'm Coffman, from Public Relations downstairs." "Oh, yes." "The gentleman with the emergency." "Mr Wales expects you." "What emergency concerns Mr Clément?" "It's this item in the newspaper, sir." "I think you might like to see this." "I read no item in today's newspaper concerning Mr Clément." "This isn't a regular newspaper, Mr Wales." "This is Variety, the theatrical paper." "How could anything theatrical concern Mr Clément?" "Would you read that, please?" "Ah." " Come with me." " Right." " Good morning, George." "Feast your eyes." " What, more?" "How much?" " You don't measure art by money." " I do." "This is the Meister collection the Louvre and the National Gallery bid for." " You outbid two governments?" " Oh, it was a pleasure." "The Renoir will hang in the Paris apartment." "The Matisse, I think, in the Hong Kong office, and the Van Gogh..." "Oh, I think it will be perfect on the yacht." " How do you do?" " Oh, this is Alexander Hoffman..." "Coffman." " Public Relations." "Ours." " How do you do, sir?" "Jean-Marc..." "Ah." "It's something serious." "I can tell by the breathing." "Somebody's putting on a show, and you're going to be portrayed in it." "Really?" "I couldn't be more flattered." "Listen to this. "Greenwich Village Revue to caricature celebrities in the Theateround."" ""Some of the public figures up for laughs are Maria Callas, Elvis Presley, Van Cliburn and Jean-Marc Clément, amongst others."" "You're going to be made ridiculous." "Do you mind if Coffman leaves us for a moment?" " Of course not, George." " Coffman." "No, no, no." "You'd better go in there." "Thank you." "I knew something like this was bound to happen." "All those women you take out in public." "This is the result." "I'm not anxious to take them out in public, George." "They won't stay indoors." "Jean-Marc, your father's no longer here to uphold the dignity of your name." "Now, I've put on this young man to do nothing but keep your name out of the newspapers." "I want you to take him seriously." "I want you to start at once." "Very well, George, and try not to worry so much about me." "Oh, I've been worrying about you since your christening at Notre Dame." " Wouldn't mind a change at all." "Coffman!" " Yes, sir?" "What are you paid for?" "Call this good public relations?" " No, sir." " I want it stopped, understand?" "It's an invasion of privacy." "If you can't stop it, I will." " Is that correct, Jean-Marc?" " Absolutely." "Thank you." "Run along." " Goodbye, sir." " Goodbye, Coffman." "I'll get on this right away." ""...by reason that they have agreed to dissolve their partnership..."" "You may use the private elevator." ""Now, therefore..."" "  Mr Coffman?" " Yes?" "You'll please return to Mr Clément's office." "Yes, sir?" "Beautiful, isn't it?" "Oh, yes." "Very." "I'm not especially thin-skinned about some joke that might be made about me on stage." "But if it's too embarrassing about girls, that can be serious." "Sit down." "Would it help if I got the show closed up?" "Well, sir, then you run the danger of getting more bad publicity if you do something like that." "Yes, that's possible." "It's a very small theatre, isn't it?" "Not many people would really see an off-Broadway show?" "Well, if they're successful, people like Ed Sullivan often use parts of them on television." "Life, Look, Paris Match even, might pick it up, especially since they're using your name." "Mm-hm." "I may be more thin-skinned than I suspect." "I don't seem to relish being laughed at." " Uh..." " Go on." "You've thought of something." "Say it." "Well, I don't know if you'd care for this, but..." "Would you consider attending a rehearsal of the show, sir?" " What would that accomplish?" " It'd take the sting out of anything they do." "It would be disarming." "If you show them you have a sense of humour, and can laugh at yourself, then the rest of the laughter is good-natured." "That's my opinion." " Would they think it odd for me to attend?" " It's perfectly natural." "You've read that you're being depicted in the show, and have come to see what you're like." "They'd only be flattered." "I've been a press agent in the theatre." "I know I'm right." " Let's go." " Now?" " They are rehearsing, aren't they?" " Yes, sir." "Time is money, and I don't like to waste either." "Hmm?" "Come on." " Is this a theatre?" " Theatre-in-the-round, sir." "Very informal." "Excuse me." "This is the stage door." "These light cues are sure tricky." "You gotta hit 'em just right." "Dip the blue." "Boys!" "My name is Lolita" "And..." "I'm not supposed to" "Play... with boys" "Moi?" "Uh-uh!" "Mon coeur est á Papa" "You know le propriétaire" "No!" "~ While tearing off a game of golf ~" "~ I may make a play for the caddy ~" "~ But when I do, I don't follow through ~" "~ Cos my heart belongs to Daddy ~" "~ If I invite a boy some night ~" "~ To dine on my fine finnan haddie ~" "~ I just adore his asking for more ~" "~ But my heart belongs to Daddy ~" "~ Yes, my heart belongs to Daddy ~" "~ So I simply couldn't be bad ~" "~ Yes, my heart belongs to Daddy ~" "~ Da-da-da, da-da-da, da-da ~" "~ So I want to warn you, laddie ~" "~ Though I know that you're perfectly swell ~" "~ That my heart belongs to Daddy ~" "~ Cos my daddy ~" "~ He treats it so ~" "~ Ba-da, ba-da, ba-da-ba-da-ba-da, ba-da-dee-da ~" "~ Ba da-dee-da, ba-dee-da ~" "~ Ba-dee-da-dee-da ~" "~ While tearing off a game of golf ~" "~ I may make a play for the caddy ~" "~ But when I do, I don't follow through ~" "~ Shoo-ba-doo-ba-doo, shoo-ba-doo-ba-doo, ooh, Daddy ~" "~ If I invite a boy some night ~" "~ To cook up a fine enchilada ~" "~ Though Spanish rice is all very nice ~" "~ Ba-da, ba-da, ba-da-ba-da-ba-da, Dada, yes ~" "~ My heart belongs to my daddy ~" "~ So I simply... couldn't be bad ~" "~ Yes, my heart belongs to my daddy ~" "~ Da-da-da, da-da-da, da-da-da ~" "~ So I want to warn you, laddie ~" "~ Though I know you're perfectly swell ~" "~ That my heart belongs to my daddy ~" "~ Cos Daddy ~" "~ My daddy ~" "~ My little ol' daddy, he treats it so ~" "~ That little ol' man, he just treats it so good ~" "Lights!" "All right, kids!" "Up you get." "That's terrific." "Really good." "Up you get." " All those trying out as doubles, onstage." " Elvis Presleys, Van Cliburns," "Maria Callases, Jean-Marc Cléments, step up." "Maria Callases over here." "That's it." "Jean-Marc Cléments, Elvis Presleys, Van Cliburns..." "Coffman." " Yes, sir?" " Ask her to dinner." " Dinner?" " Bring her to my place." "Eight o'clock." "You're trying out for Clément, aren't you?" "Hey, that's very good." "Just what you're doing." " That's just his stupid look." " Say, now..." "You don't look like anybody." "You can go home." "Come on onstage, fella." "You got something." "Come on, Presleys." "How about it?" "Let's go." "Form groups now, of three." "And you girls, you Maria Callases..." " Hey, Coffman." " Hello." " Miller." " Al." "What are you doing here?" "You Broadway big shots aren't allowed below 14th Street." "I'm not on Broadway any more." "I moved into, um... industrial public relations." "Tighten it up." "Cléments, please?" "You guys all get together." "Move it." "All right, yeah." " Now, Presleys..." "Hit it, Elvis." "~ Well, she's my rock 'n' roll mama, ~" "~ We're rockin' all the time... ~" " Thank you." "~ See that chick with the... ~" " Thank you." "~ I love her eyes, I love her lips ~" "~ They taste even better than potato chips ~" "~ Cool it, baby... ~" " That's enough." " Excuse me." "I am Jean-Marc Clément." " I wonder if perhaps..." " Say something else." "Go ahead." " I beg your pardon, sir." "I'm afraid..." " Listen to him." "It's amazing." "I saw Clément in a newsreel." "Hey, you really got him down." "Come over here." "I want to see something." "I want you to stand next to this man here." "That's it." "No." "You go in the middle." "Like that." "That's right." "Well, that's not bad, hey?" " No doubt about it." " OK." "Take him, Kerry." "You in the middle, don't go away." "You two, dismissed." "Now I want to see the Van Cliburns." " You're really French, aren't you?" " Yes." "Very much so." " Been here long?" " I go back and forth." "My family's rather transatlantic." "That's good for the part." "I hear they're really gonna make an idiot out of him." " Who?" " Clément." "I can't get over the resemblance." " You're much nicer, of course." " Thank you." "Why do you think so?" "All you ever see him doing is getting in and out of sports cars" " or some girl suing him again." " You don't like that?" "Well, it's all right, but think of what he could do in this world with all that money." "I wish I was taking French, now that you'll be with the company." " I could practice on you." " Oh, are you a college girl?" "No, night school." "I'm getting my high-school diploma." " Why are you doing that?" " I got tired of being ignorant." "I never knew what people were referring to." "I suppose you want to play Shakespeare and Greek tragedy and..." "Oh, no." "This is my favourite kind of show." "Um, have you been out of work long?" " Out of..." "No, I..." " I'm sorry." "I didn't mean to get personal, but I noticed how you acted before, pretending you didn't want the job." "I figured you were pretty desperate." "You're very observant." "I'm..." " What are you knitting?" " I haven't decided yet." "Keeps my hands busy." "Hey, fella." "I have to have your Equity card." " My what?" " You don't have to join Actors' Equity." " They could list you as a nonprofessional." " Fine." " Why don't you do that, Jimmy?" " All right." "What's your name?" "My name is Jean..." "Oddly enough, my name often startles people." "Why?" "What is it?" "Alexander." " Not Alexander Dumas." " You know Alexander Dumas?" "We had him last term." "He wrote The Three Musketeers." "It's a lovely name." " That happens to be my name." " OK, Al." "Alexander Dumas?" " What a small world." " Oh, it's a very common name in France." "I hope you'll help me." "I've never been onstage before." " I knew." "You can always tell an outsider." " How?" "Mostly the way they look at girls in rehearsal clothes." " How do people in show business look?" " They don't." "A girl can walk around backstage with nothing on except her goodwill, and nobody'll even turn his head." "The same girl, fully dressed, walks down an aisle of clerks in an office, pinched black and blue." "What's the matter with you people, anyway?" "I think we're normal." "You're the ones in trouble." "I could give you a tip on how to play Clément, if you're interested." " Oh, yes, I'm here to learn." " Try acting with more assurance." "By that, I mean he doesn't have your sensitivity." "Really?" "But I've always felt that Clément is a really sensitive man." " Of course, I don't really know, but..." " Oh, no." "I've met those types." "You've gotta be a lot cruder, you know?" "I never heard anybody call Jean-Marc Clément crude." "For instance, a man like you, you come over to me." " You're unsure of yourself, yes?" " Well, yes, I suppose..." "I mean, it's normal." "I'm a girl." "You wonder whether I like you." "You're a little uncertain." "You even look a little nervous." "I wouldn't say I was nervous." "That's OK." "I kinda like that in a man." "But when Jean-Marc Clément comes up to a girl, as soon as he tells her his name, he expects her to drop dead with the honour." "Well, they do." "I mean, I imagine that..." "Sure, but why?" "Money, right?" "I don't know." "I imagine women would find him rather charming." "Charming." "Drops them after two dates, has five others the same week." "Boy, you haven't had much experience with women, have you?" "Well, I like to think I have, but, uh..." "If you want to be this kind of person you characterise," "Clément is nothing but a rich louse." "Now, keep that in mind." "When you get up on the stage, first relax and keep telling yourself "I'm a louse"." ""I'm a louse." "I'm a louse."" "Try." "I'm..." "I think you're making a big mistake, young lady." " That's it." "That's very good." " What's very good?" "The way you looked down and said "Young lady"." "You looked like you had $50 million." " I did?" " For a second, you looked like a spoiled brat." "I'm glad to hear you say that." "How about having dinner with me?" "You are teaching me so much." "I'd like to learn more." "Can't." "I only have time for a bite." "I've got geography at seven." "~ Oh, give me a home... ~" " Don't tell me he's drunk." " If he is, he's fired." "Hello, sweetheart." "Tony Danton." "That's the kiddie." "Tony Danton." "Tony!" "Tony, are you all right?" "~ Love is a many-splintered thing ~" " You meshugana!" " I'm sorry, Mandy." "I was just joking around." "Very funny." "I just aged ten years." "Well, that's as funny as I can get, cold sober." "Have you got some sort of a parody?" "We need a short one to cover a costume change." " A songwriter at Lindy's did a good one." " OK, let's hear it." "Well, this is "The Lament of the..." "Pop Singer."" "~ Records with gimmicks, chipmunks and mimics ~" "~ That's what the future spells ~" "~ I said to my bosses "Look at my losses" ~" "~ Gimme a song that sells ~" "~ Music is dyin', nobody's buyin' ~" "~ Mule trains are Jezebels ~" "~ So how can a fella sing "Dardanella"?" "~" "~ Gimme a song that sells ~" "~ Oh, come on, stop hiding that tune ~" "~ Don't save all those hits for Pat Boone ~" "~ Yeah, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme ~" "~ A song that sells ~" "~ I got a father to support, a mother to support ~" "~ A lazy, loafin' good-for-nothin' brother to support ~" "~ Yeah, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme ~" "~ A song that sells ~" "Funny, but how much does the writer want?" " $75." " Well, try and pay less." "We'll take it." "Kids, if you come across any other parodies or jokes, bring 'em around." " We can use a few between scene changes." " OK, that's all today." "Tomorrow morning, 11 o'clock, on time." "Excuse me." "I have a rather amusing story you may like." "Let's hear it." "It's about a man who taught his dog to play poker." "But the poor dog was a terrible gambler, because every time he got a good hand..." " he wagged his tail." " He wagged his tail!" "Don't let that discourage you." "New jokes." "Tomorrow morning, 11 o'clock, on time." " OK, kill the work lights." " New jokes!" "See you tomorrow at rehearsal at 11 o'clock sharp." "They do that to everyone when they know the joke." " Mandy!" " Thank you." " You coming?" " Coming." "I'll take that." "OK." " Got everything?" " Yeah." "How would they all have known that joke?" "People in show business know the popular jokes, Mr Clément." "That's why they buy new ones." "I got the girl's telephone number from the stage manager." "Sir?" "I'll try to have her at your place by eight o'clock." " I'll try to have the girl..." " No, no, she's got geography." "Oh, yes." "Oh, yes." "How many hours a day do these rehearsals usually go on?" "All day long, sir." "All night, too, sometimes." "When do they have time for, uh..." "They make time." "No, thank you, sir." " Of course, there's always Sunday." " Sunday?" "This is only Tuesday." "Perhaps she'd be willing to skip a class if I told her you were Jean-Marc Clément, sir." "I'm not so sure." "She doesn't think very highly of Jean-Marc Clément." "I never ran into that before." "Odd." "I want you to buy me a joke." " I beg your pardon, sir?" " I want an original joke." "Something superb." "I do know one very good comedy writer." "Charlie Lamont." "He's rather expensive." "Good." "Go to the Investors National Bank." "They'll give you $1,000." "Be at my office tomorrow morning with a new joke, and be sure it's brand-new." "I never buy anything used." "Excuse me, sir." "Just so I'll know, are you thinking of joining the cast of this show?" "Oh, for a few hours, perhaps." "There's no other way." "I certainly couldn't wait till Sunday." "Are you sure you can think in here, Mr Lamont?" "For a thousand bucks, I could think in a coal mine." "I do my best work here." "At home I got five kids." "What's the situation?" "Who is the guy?" "A big dress manufacturer." "He's going to make a speech in Miami." "It's gotta be definitely a new joke." "New is easy." "Funny is hard." "Could you hurry up?" "I don't know if I'll have the strength to deliver it." " I'm strictly a ski and toboggan man, myself." " Don't go away." "I'm the best." "Even the ghost writers come to me." "I ghost for the ghosts." "Now, let's see..." "Oh, I'm so glad you like it, sir." " Quite funny, yes." " Here's Wilson with his report." " Good morning, Wilson." " Morning, sir." " Begin, Wilson." " Miss Amanda Dell." "Dell is her stage name." "Family name:" "Delson." "Non married, American citizen by birth." "She has..." "She has occasional escorts but is mostly seen with Tony Danton, her present costar." "I never imagined people made up jokes for money, but I guess they have to come from someplace." "Am I to understand you're buying jokes?" "Oh, just one joke for the rehearsal today." "Proceed, Wilson." "Miss Dell meets another man in private." " He is not Tony Danton." " Oh, what did I tell you?" "He's evidently married and avoids being seen with her." "They meet at St Timothy's Church." " Very ingenious." " Miss Dell enters when the service is over." " They spend a good deal of time together." " This time I smell gunplay." " Good day, Wilson." " Shall we keep her under surveillance?" " No, I'll tend to that myself, thank you." " Good day, sir." " Are you feeling well?" " I feel fine." "Just lost a little weight getting that joke, that's all." " Good day, sir." " Good day, Coffman." "The mail, Miss Manners." "And cancel all my appointments for... 24 hours." "She's meeting another man secretly." "Jean-Marc, you're walking into a scandal." "George, you must see her." "She comes down, you see." "Absolutely unbelievable." "Then she comes forward." "What will she do?" "You don't know." "All of a sudden: "My name is Lolita, and I'm not supposed to play with boys."" "I'll speak to San Francisco." "Yes to number two, no to number three." "George, will you take care of this London business?" " Anything else?" " I had Cartier send this around." " Oh, very nice." " For $10,000, it ought to be nice." "Who is it for?" "Miss Emerson?" " You asked for something for Miss Phillips." " Of course." "I'll drop it off myself." "Send flowers and a note to Miss Emerson." "I'll do the mail now." " Good morning." " Bonjour, monsieur." "To the Cairo office, please." "Please, George." "Please." "I hate to see you worried." " I'm much more than worried." " Oh, don't." " To the Paris office." " Oui, monsieur." "Mon cher Dupard, je pense que les licences d'exportations sont faciles à obtenir." "Aussi je ne vois pas de raisons plausibles..." "Tell Captain Swanson I want the yacht ready." "There will be one guest." "Jean-Marc, I have some important business to see to." "Miss Manners..." "Miss Manners, I want you to buy me a pair of old trousers." "Old trousers?" " Yes." "To the Berlin office." " Jawohl, mein Herr." "Mein lieber Schumann, es hat keinen Zweck..." "And an old jacket, too, and a sweater." "Something an actor might wear." "And tell Captain Swanson to have plenty of paper and pencils on board." "She might want to do some homework." "Es hat keinen Zweck, dem Herrn Pfaff Stahl zu verkaufen, wenn wir bereits die Gesellschaft besitzen." "Also, mein lieber Schumann..." "What do you say, Al?" " Hello." " Hi!" " Oh, you didn't get any sleep last night." " I couldn't." "That new song kept me awake." " Oh, hi." " Hi." "You look tired." "~ Hey, you, with the crazy eyes ~" "~ When you turn 'em on, I'm gone right up to the skies ~" "~ Hey, you, with the glowing glimmers ~" "~ Do they come with dimmers?" "~" "~ Tonight they're as bright as lightnin' ~" "~ You, with the crazy lips ~" "~ When we start to kiss like this, my heart simply flips ~" "~ Guess I might as well propose ~" "~ Cos heaven knows I'm in love with those crazy eyes ~" "~ You, you, you with the crazy lips ~" "~ When we start to kiss like this, my heart simply flips ~" "~ Guess I might as well propose ~" "~ Cos heaven knows I'm in love with those crazy eyes ~" "~ Knocked out eyes ~" "~ Kooky eyes ~" "~ Fractured eyes ~" "~ Crazy eyes ~" "Yeah!" " Oh, that's marvellous!" " You're doing great, Tony." "OK, let's go." "Clear the stage." " How's the geography?" " Oh, heartbreaking." "Did you know there's four million people in Haiti, and the average wage is $25 a year?" "Imagine." "I mean, two tens and a five for a whole year." "Oh." "You're..." " You have relatives in Haiti or something?" " No." "I just found out about it, but..." "Well, why don't they do something about it?" "Why are you smiling?" "I just don't know what else to do." "I..." "Because, um..." "Oh." ""Four-Square Pawnshop."" " Pawnshop." " Don't be embarrassed." " Well..." " No false pride." "Come on, now." "Chin up." "I wonder if you would have a little time to give me some acting pointers." "I know you could really help me." "Couldn't we have a little dinner tonight?" "I can't." "I've got a history exam tomorrow." "I've gotta study." "I'm very weak in history." "History happens to be one of my strong points." "I'll help you with your history and you help me with my acting." " But first we'll have a quiet little dinner..." " New is easy." "Funny is hard." " I'm not promising anything." " Charlie, do me a favour." "The show needs jokes." "Just listen." "If you think of something good, do me a favour." " We need jokes, Charlie." "I'd appreciate it." " Like I said, I'll take a look." "All right, hold it!" "Let's take it from the opening for Mr Lamont." "Mr Burton." "Oh, Mr Burton, I'd like to offer another joke." "Let it wait until after rehearsal." "Mr Lamont is a busy man." " I promise you've never heard this one." " OK, but make it snappy." "All right, clear the stage." "A man went to a psychiatrist." "Over each ear he had a piece of bacon, and around his neck an eight-foot snake for a necktie." "And he had a large television antenna strapped to his head." ""Doctor," he said." ""I want to talk to you about my brother."" " Not bad." "I never heard it." " But I did!" "You dirty crook." "Oh, let me get my hands on him." " I'll break..." " What's the trouble?" "That crook stole a joke that I wrote yesterday for $1,000, for a dress manufacturer in Miami." "I don't double-cross my clients." "I'm suing you for damaging my professional integrity." " We can get to the bottom of this in no time." " Well, you better." " Where did you get the joke?" " I bought it." "For how much?" " $10." " $10?" "From whom?" "I have to ask you to tell me from whom you bought this joke, or you're out of this show." "He couldn't have bought it." "I just wrote it yesterday in a Turkish bath." "He's a liar." " Don't throw the word "liar" around so easily." " You're a liar." " He bought the joke." "I saw him." " You saw him?" "I had dinner at Lindy's last night, and he was sitting in the next booth, and I heard him buy it from a man." "Someone stole it and stuck him." "It's happened before." "I promise we won't use it." "I'll say you won't use it." "I lost eight pounds on that joke." "Take a break outside, everybody." "I seem to be following you." " Buttermilk, please." " For you, mac?" "Coffee, black." "I want to thank you, Amanda, for doing that for me." " It's all right." "It's nothing." " Oh, I think it was a great deal." "Matter of fact, it's the most touching thing that has happened to me in a long time." " Why did you do it?" " Does there have to be a motive?" "I rarely see anything done without a motive." "Almost never, Miss Dell." "Thank you." "I feel sorry for you." "You must have had a sad life." "What do you do ordinarily?" " Do?" " When you're not imitating Clément." "You can't make a living doing just that." "I..." "I represent a French company." "I am a salesman." "I have a sample of my company's product." " Would you care to look at it?" " It's very nice." "It's almost impossible to tell from the real thing." "That's because we're indoors." "I've got some earrings like that." "In the outside light, though, you can tell they're fake." "How much d'you get for them?" " $5." " The box looks like it's worth more than that." "Yes, it is." "But I wish you'd buy it." "It's an introductory offer to advertise the product." "All right." "I'll take one to help you out." "Good." "You're my first sale today." "May I?" "It does shine... indoors, anyway." "It will shine at night, too." "It's a special process." " What is it?" " Lily, only $5." " His company's selling them for advertising." " Just what I need." "You got a necklace?" " We don't carry necklaces." "We may later." " OK, I'll take a bracelet." "That's the only sample I had." "I'm sorry." "Oh." "Tonight's my mother's birthday." "We'll never be through early enough for me to get her anything." " She's still in the hospital." " Oh, Lily, take mine." "I'll get another one later." "No, I don't know when we will get another." "There has been a strike at the factory." "I can wait for mine." "You owe him $5." "OK, kids, let's go." "Sorry." "Gotta go." " Your ten minutes is up." "Come on, kids." " Here's your $5." " Let's go." " I hope your mother likes it." "My old lady's been dead for ten years." "I'm just nuts about this stuff." "When you get a necklace, show it to me." "I may buy it." "I don't think the company'll ever make necklaces." "They'd be too dangerous." " Dangerous?" " Mm-hm." "Too much radioactivity." "Radio what?" "These stones have been exposed to atomic rays." "That's why they shine." "A necklace would be too strong." "All those radioactive stones bunched up around your neck like that..." "You don't have to worry about the bracelet." "Just put Vaseline on your wrist every night." "Don't skimp." "A thick layer of Vaseline." "Vaseline." "Why?" "It'll keep your wrist from peeling." "Hey!" "What kind of jewellery are you sellin'?" "Atomic-ray jewellery." "It's a new French company." "Well, they're not gonna be in business long, making people peel." "You must be crazy." "Yes." "We are going to have to iron that bug out." "Hey, mac, aren't you forgetting' somethin'?" "Oh, I beg your pardon." " He'll pay you." " Hold it." "Is he all right for 20 cents on your check?" " Yeah, I'll pay it." " OK." "Thank you." "Ahem." "Harvey, bring me down a list of all the real estate we own downtown." "I'm interested in whether there might be any off-Broadway theatres in one of the parcels." "Right away, please." "May I?" "You must be tired." "How many times did you do that dance today?" "Oh, I lost count." "Matter of fact, sometimes I even trot home afterwards." " You sleep better." "You ever trot?" " You mean in the street?" "Sure, nobody minds." "Come on." "It keeps you in shape." " Don't you think it will seem a little odd?" " Come on." "Amanda." "Amanda." "Let's get a taxi." "Don't argue." "Please, will you call me a taxi?" "Sure." "You're a taxi." "The guy who calls the taxis'll be back in ten minutes." "I only park the cars." " I want to see the manager." " Come back in three months." "Maybe he'll be out by then, with good behaviour." "Come on." "Alex, he's only kidding." " Sorry." "I don't like to be spoken to that way." " Something the matter?" " No, no." "I'm just thinking." " About what?" "About how happy you are." " Me, happy?" " Mm-hm." "You seem able to forget yourself." "That's the way you dance, and you walk in the street that way, too." "You seem at home wherever you are." "It must be a great feeling." "Taxi!" " Get in." " But where are we going?" "Uptown." "Come on." "Oh, can you lend me a couple of dollars?" "I'm short." "I don't usually borrow money." " Thank you." " Why don't we take a subway?" " It's only 15 cents." " The subway's too full of people." "Here we go." " Is this definite?" " Uptown." " Well, I guess I'll see you tomorrow." " Amanda, you mustn't throw yourself away." "A girl like you could have everything in the world." "You sound like the men who send invitations to my room with their chauffeurs." " Coming from you, it's kind of sweet." " Amanda, you shouldn't work this hard." "Dear man, you've got a whole wrong idea." "You'll never get anywhere in the theatre unless you work." "When you walk home, work." "Imagine." "What would it be like to lift your finger and be able to have anything your heart desires?" "What would that be like?" " I can't imagine." " Well, think." "Let's say you want a limousine." "You have it." "A whole building, a girl." " Not all girls." " Well, an awful lot, though." "He wouldn't know the difference anyway." "How do you know?" "Maybe he would." " One time." " That's a good idea." "You're thinking." "A man like that, madly in love, with all that power." " You see?" "You're working." " Oh, I am." "But don't stop now." "Keep it up." "He's with a girl." "He's saying good night." " She says "Good night"." "And..." " And what would he do?" "Probably grab for her." " And what would she do?" " Well, there's your problem." " Good night." " Please." "You make me feel full of talent." " Couldn't we work more?" " I can't, not now." "Good night." "Sorry I'm late." " Have you had supper, Papa?" " Just waiting for you." "Ah!" "Probably another one of those young hoodlums again." "Heavens, they've even got chauffeurs now." "I gotta use the phone, Willie." " Say, Miller..." " Hi." " What's going on?" " That's what I wanna know." "What's going on." "Freeway Realty?" "Mr Osgood, please." "Mr Osgood?" "My name is Miller." "I'm general manager for the Theateround." "I just got your letter." "There must be a mistake." "You're a real-estate firm." "Perhaps you don't realise this isn't the way theatres are rented." "Well, can't I even see you, sir?" "Gimme a scotch, Willie." "They're crazy." "They want a year's rent on the theatre in advance." "Have you ever heard of such a thing, Coffman?" " Can you get another theatre?" " We waited four months for this one." "We're committed with contracts, costumes, scenery." "What'll I tell Burton?" "He's mortgaged his car, his home." "He's borrowed from everyone." "It'll kill him." "I just don't understand it." "I found it, Mr Coffman." "Freeway Realty." "Principal stockholder, Investors National, which is controlled by Clément Enterprises." " Anything else I can do?" " No, thank you, Susie." "Bourbon, please." "Six." "Doubles." "Somebody once said that rich people are only poor people with money." "Well, he was lying." "Rich people aren't people, my friend." "Oh, they can be charming, democratic, polite." "You can hardly tell them from the human beings sometimes." "Just be good and sure you don't cross them." "Sir." "Aha!" " Sit down." " I will not." " You've been drinking." " No surprise to you." "I'm sure your Secret Service department gave you a complete report on me." "When totally disgusted with the human race, I become a social drinker." "Mr Clément..." "You don't hold your liquor very well." "It's not leaking out anyplace." "And stop trying to interrupt me." "You're very talkative when you drink." "What's this all about?" "Who's going to tell you the truth when he's sober?" "You're a very vain man, your majesty." "All those little jokes that you just kill people round here with." "They didn't go over so big at that theatre, did they?" "And how's it going with that girl?" "Not so hot, huh, when you haven't got the old green stuff going for you?" "Money, my lord." "That's all they ever kissed when they kissed you." " I believe you better go now, Coffman." " Go?" "I quit." "Just one question, though." "How do you sleep nights when you close a show, put 40 people out of work and bankrupt a man, all because he had the colossal gall to poke a little fun at the great Jean-Marc Clément?" " Close the show?" " Oh, they'll never prove it in court." "But what a coincidence." "You're the biggest stockholder in Investors National, which is the biggest stockholder in Freeway Realty, which suddenly wants a year's rent in advance for the theatre." "Quite a coinci-dince!" "Dence." "I see." "George Wales." "He raised me, you see." "He was worried about me." "I know nothing about this, Coffman." "Come here." "Oh, come, now." "I listened to you politely." "Sit down." "Sit down." "You're making one mistake." "Very important." "It is true that people laugh too loudly at my jokes because I am rich." "I know that." "But what can I do?" "I like to tell jokes." "Shall only poor people tell jokes?" "It is also true I give out many bracelets." "But I must." "They expect bracelets." "You say I am vain." "No." "If I were vain, I would refuse to give bracelets." "I would say "You must love me for my charming smile."" "But is it ever possible to love a rich man for his mind?" "Look, you... yourself." "Whenever you speak to me, you say "Sir, sir, sir, sir"." "You respect me so much, Mr Coffman?" "Obviously not." "It is my money you salute." " That is true, isn't it?" " Yes, it is." "But of course." "It is always true..." "excepting one person." "Only that girl has ever spoken to me." "Not to my money, not to my name, but to me." "And I do not intend to lose her." "Oh, I hope you don't." "Oh, I deeply hope you don't." "There is a job here, for an honest man." "Thank you, sir." " I wasn't addressing your money that time." " I'll see you in the morning." "And..." "For your wife, to forgive me for keeping you so late." "Don't tell me I'm buying your approval." "I am, but one can only give what one has, and I give you that." "Get in early." "There will be a lot to do." "I want my wife to be wonderful." "I have to find a way to put a lot of money in that show." "Your wife?" "Hey, there, now." "So when Mr Welsh here mentioned that he'd like to invest in a show," "I said to myself "I've seen part of Burton's show." "It's very good."" "So as long as he has the bug to take a flyer anyway, why, I thought I'd bring you two together." "I'm flattered you liked the show enough to recommend your friend put money in it." "But I'm not sure we can use any additional money." " Is that so?" " Yes." "We're fully financed." "However, there may be " "I'm just saying there may be - some small share of backing still open." "I'll have to go over the books." "And if there is, well, you can have it." " That's very kind of you." " May I speak frankly?" " Yes, of course." "Go right ahead." " I like you." "I like the notion of a retired merchant like you being interested in show business." " That's why I'm letting you in." " I see." "Now, may I speak frankly?" " Go right ahead." " Thank you." "I've been horse-trading across a desk like this for the last 30 years, and I don't think I've ever come across anyone quite as bad at it as you." " You're just awful." " I beg your pardon?" "Let me give you a sample of frankness." "Not only aren't you fully financed, Mr Burton, but you have to get together a year's theatre rent in advance." "You foolishly mortgaged your home and you can't raise any more money." "If I waited ten days, I could get your theatre for nothing and probably your house as well." "That's frankness." "Please close your mouth, young man." "Thank you." "Now, then, because I like you," "I'm prepared to finance your show entirely and take only 51 percent." "Then you'll have control." "Of course." "I never put money into anything unless I have control." "I urge you to accept this offer, Mr Burton." "It's very generous." "You wanna know something?" "It is." " You're smarter than I thought, Mr Burton." " I'll read it after I sign it." "I've got 51 percent of the show." "Complete control." "Hold it, kids!" "Hold it." "Hold it, kids." "Gather round, everybody." " Which one's the bride?" " She's not around." "I can't believe it." "I didn't think he'd ever get married." "I'd given up." "What?" "Now gather in." "And you, come on in." "You." "Ooh." "There'll be children." "Lots of children." "There's a bonus in this for you if they get married." " Double if there's a baby." "A boy." " I'll do whatever I can, sir." "I know you've heard the rumour that I've been having money troubles." "Well, it was true." "Was true." "I have here a cashier's check for more than enough money to open this show." "I won't tell you how much because you'll come around asking for raises." "I would like to introduce my new partner," "George Welsh, a retired merchant interested in show business." "Mr Welsh, your grateful company." " Clear the stage." " That doesn't mean anything, sir." "People in show business always throw their arms around each other." "They're exuberant." "Why can't she be exuberant with Jean-Marc, for heaven's sake?" " "Specialisation."" " Let's take it from the bridge, boys." "This is the number he was hired for, sir." "Now we'll see it." "~ Marc Clément Ooh, ooh, ooh ~" "~ Gives the gals the tremens Ooh, doo-doo-doo ~" "~ This Casanova sure has the roving'est eyes Ooh, doo-doo-doo-da ~" "~ Specialisation ~" "~ Specialisation ~" "~ You'll rule the barnyard if... ~" "Hold it!" "Hold it!" "You know what might be cute if it didn't spoil the mood?" "When she sings about him, let him go "Cock-a-doodle-doo"." "Yeah, that's very funny, Oliver." "Go on." "Go "Cock-a-doodle-doo"." " Go on." " Cock-a-doodle-doo." "No, no, no, no." "Like a real rooster, you know?" "Cock-a-doodle-doo!" "Like that." "Cock-a-doodle-doo." " Again." " Cock-a-doodle-doo!" "No, louder." "Cock-a-doodle-doo!" "Like that." " Like that?" " Yeah." "Cock-a-doodle-doo!" "Very good." "We'll keep it in." "Practice that at home." "Get your costumes on and we'll try the whole number from the top." "Dress rehearsal." "All doubles onstage." "Come on, kids, let's go." " Let's pick up on the cues faster." " "Specialisation."" "~ If you peruse the people in the news ~" "~ The people that the magazines refer to ~" "~ You'll find that they are naturally soigné ~" "~ The special ones that all of us defer to ~" "~ They've each a trait that seems to state "first-raters" ~" "~ Which separates them from the small pertaters ~" "~ Maria Callas Ooh, doo-doo-doo ~" "~ Is booked in Dallas Ooh, doo-doo-doo ~" "~ The carpet's rolled out and they're sold out clear to the sky ~" "~ Doo-be-doo-da ~" "~ Specialisation ~" "~ Specialisation ~" "~ They'll love your high notes if ~" "~ If you specialise ~" "~ When Elvis rotates Ooh, doo-doo ~" "~ Each critic notates Ooh, doo-doo ~" "~ It may look funny but the money is what it supplies ~" "~ Ooh, doo-be-doo-da ~" "~ Specialisation ~" "~ Specialisation ~" "~ You'll meet the Colonel if ~" "~ If you specialise ~" "~ Salome did it with Veils ~" "~ Abe Lincoln did it with Rails ~" "~ Toledo did it with Scales ~" "~ The Chinese built that wall Ooh, specialists all ~" "~ Marc Clément Ooh, doo-doo-doo ~" "~ Gives the gals the tremens Ooh, doo-doo-doo ~" "~ This Casanova sure has the roving'est eyes Ooh, ooh-be-doo-da ~" "~ Specialisation ~" "~ Specialisation ~" "~ You'll rule the barnyard if ~" "Cock-a-doodle-doo!" "~ If you specialise ~" "~ Van Cliburn Ooh, doo-doo-doo ~" "~ Caused us a high burn Ooh, doo-doo-doo ~" "~ While we were blushin' some Russian gave him a prize ~" "~ Ooh, doo-be-doo-da ~" "~ Specialisation Da, da ~" "~ Specialisation ~" "~ They'll give you medals if ~" "~ They'll love your high note ~" "~ You'll meet the Colonel ~" "~ You'll rule the barnyard ~" "Cock-a-doodle-doo!" "~ If you specialise ~" "I specialise." "Jean-Marc Clément a rooster." "His father's turning in his grave." "You're damn right it's no good." "I didn't count on looking that ridiculous." "He's got all the jokes and I'm going "Cock-a-doodle-doo"." "Well, you take his jokes and let him go "Cock-a-doodle-doo"." " How about firing him?" " No, no." "That would upset her." "You'll never impress her by being a rooster unless she's a chicken." "You know, there are definite ways to attract women." "When you're ten years old, they like it if you walk on your hands for them." "When they're older, they like other things, best of all if you're rich." "Jean-Marc, tell her who you are." "You'll be engaged within 15 minutes." "Or perhaps that's just what you're afraid of." "Perhaps I am, a little." "Nobody's loved for themselves alone." "You're loved for what you can do." "Now, then, if she could see you as I have, holding the floor at a director's meeting for an entire afternoon, trying to persuade a nervous $10 million to invest in a project, then she'd be impressed." "She might even fall in love with you." "That's you." "No, George, that is my power." "That is five generations of money." "That is a billionaire." "But it is not me, and this girl I want to fall in love with me." "Well, at the moment she's admiring Tony Danton, she's kissing him, and there's no big mystery about human attraction." "She'll go on admiring him and kissing him and they'll fall in love." "And you, with a billion dollars, can go cock your doodle doo till you grow feathers." "Every man to his own battlefield, my boy." "On this one, you haven't got a prayer." " Unless..." "Unless I get stronger ammunition." " What do you mean?" "It's only bought for him." "People write his jokes, and not the best because that show can't afford the best." "But I can." "Do you have any ideas or suggestions?" "Not offhand..." "Oh, well, we do own a large block of stock in NBC, don't we?" "Now, let me think." "Our two men there are Comstock and Yale." "They both hold key positions on the board." " Tell them I want a teacher." " What?" "Tell them to get me the greatest comedian in the world." "That's flattering, but I can think of greater comedians than myself." "For instance, there's, uh..." "There's, um..." "Oh, uh..." "You know, maybe you're right." "Mr Berle, I want you to give serious consideration to my offer." "Oh, I have." "This is a very, very generous offer, but Mr Comstock and Mr Yale will tell you I'm under a long-term contract at the network." "Oh, that's all right, Milton." "Clément Enterprises has a large block of shares in NBC." "I see." "Well, sir, this is a very, very fantastic figure." "At first, I didn't know if it was what you were gonna pay me or my Social Security number." "Well, Mr Berle, can you do the job?" "Sir, it's all according to how funny you're talking about." "Are you talking about ha-ha funny or ha-ha-ha-ha funny or hardy-har-har funny?" "Now let me show you first my comedy walk." "It's a very big scream." "My ankle bit." "See, I stand up and I walk around on my ankles." "Now stand up, sir, and let me show you how to do it." " Now you gotta turn your ankles..." " Mr Berle, Mr Berle, I am not your pupil." " You're not the gentleman I'm to teach?" " No." " Well, then, who is?" " Jean-Marc Clément." "That's fine." "That's better." "A little broader." "Fine." "Now turn around the other way." "You're doing great, sir." "That's it." "Wonderful, wonderful." " The worst thing I have ever seen." " Am I doing something wrong?" "Oh, no." "You're doing it swell, but you have to exaggerate more, sir." "Watch me again." "Doh... doh... doh... doh." "You understand?" "You say those words as you do it." "Go ahead." "Doh... doh..." "Doh... doh..." "You sound as if "doh" doesn't mean anything to you." "And it probably doesn't." "Can you show me something a little more sophisticated?" "Sophisticated." "Let's see." "I have it, baby..." "Pardon me." "Mr Clément, I have it." "I have a great idea." " Sophistication you want?" " Yes." "This is gonna be great." "You walk out onstage very sophisticated-like." "Very debonair, suave, classy, with dignity and charm." "And you stand there." "You look at the audience for a brief second." "And then you walk around like this." "The audience will scream." "They'll scream." "Mr Berle, I'd rather not." "This is more you than me." "I have..." "Oh, boy." "I have a gag that I always do." "It's dynamite." "The best thing I've ever done." "Is this material original?" " Original?" " Mm-hm." "Forget it." "We'll try something else." "Um..." "Let's see." "Oh, I have..." "I have a joke." "When I do it on television, 40 million Americans scream at this." "Here's the line." "You listen." ""I swear I'll kill you." "I'll kill you a million times." You like that?" " Yes." " He likes that." "Will you try it?" ""I swear I'll kill you." "I'll kill you a million times." Say it." "Go ahead." "That's it." "Now say it." "I swear I'll kill you." "I'll kill you a million times." " I'm sick." " Sick?" "Yeah." "Sick from laughing at you cos you're great." "Great." "Oh, you're very kind, Mr Berle, but I don't think I did it right." "Come on, Mr Clément." "You're wonderful." "Are you gonna listen to your Uncle Milty?" "You're great." "You're wonderful, but there's only one little thing." "It isn't the word "kill"." "It's "kiw". "Kiw." Let me hear you say it." " Kill." " No, it's "kiw"." " Kill." " No, you have to purse your lips." "May I?" " Please." " Kiw." " Kill." " Not "kill"." "Relax, relax." " Kiw." " Kill." " Kiw." " Kill." " No, the L is silent." "Say "kiw"." " Keel." " Oh, no." "Not "keel"." "No. "Kiw."" " Kee." " Kiw." "Kiw." " Kee." "Kee." " No." "Kiw." "Kiw." " Kill." "Kill." "Get the L out." "I mean, don't pronounce the L. Kiw." " Kill." " No, a little..." "You gotta go "kiw"." "Kiw." "Kill." "Forget it." "We'll try something else." "This is murder." "What kind of a job did you give me?" " Oh, I'm afraid it's useless." " What do you mean?" "I'll make you so funny, your only problem will be to get her to stop laughing long enough to have babies." "No." "Uh... show me what I can do with a woman." "After what I read, I'm sure you can show me." "No, I mean, something comical." "Something... something funny." "Oh, I thought you meant..." "What you can do with..." "I have it." "I have a great boy-and-girl bit." "Boy-and-girl bit." "Let's step down here." "Look, in this scene, I'll be the girl and you be the boy." "Understand?" " Yes." " You're on a corner waiting for your girl." "Ad-lib like you're impatient. "Where is my girl?" "She's supposed to be here."" "I'll be the girl." "I'll go by the door and do it, OK?" " OK." " All right." "Let's try it." "Turn around." "Face the audience." "That's the first thing you gotta learn." "Look at the audience." "Go ahead." "Now start." "Look at your watch." "Where is she?" "She's supposed to meet me here." "Oh, she's late again." "That's very good." "Remember, now, I'm the girl." "I'm the girl." "Hi." "I'm coming on." "And 40 million Americans call you Uncle?" " Milton Berle's here." " Right this way, Mr Berle." " Milton Berle's here." "Milton Berle's here." " Uncle Milty." "Hold it, hold it." " Mr Berle to see you, Mr Welsh." " Thank you." "Hi, Milton." "Hiya, Georgie." "I didn't mean to stop the rehearsal." " Do you know Mr Coffman?" " How do you do?" " Hello." " This is my producer Oliver Burton." " Glad to meet you, sir." " I'm happy to meet you." "I had no idea Mr Welsh knew any prominent theatrical people." "Georgie?" "You must be kidding." "One of my first sponsors... on radio." " Watch a bit of the rehearsal." " I'd be glad to." "We rarely get advice from people like you." "Oh, I just dropped by to pay my respects to ol' Welshy boy here." "By the way, as I was coming in just now I saw your comedian rehearsing." "Wonderful." "I stopped to listen." "Professional curiosity, you know." "Boy, he was doing a funny routine." "Mr Burton, you have a great comedian on your hands." "Mr Berle, you don't know what that means to us, to have someone like you compliment us." "Get Tony." "He can use the encouragement." "Tony!" "Tony Danton!" "Come on, fellas, clear the stage." "Yeah, here I am." " That's not him." " It's not?" " Tony, I want you to say hello to Mr Berle." " Hi, Tony." " Hello, Mr Berle." " I just wanted you to meet him." "There's the fellow." " Him?" " That's the one, right there." "Oh, you." "Come here, will you?" "No, I mean you." "Yes, you." " What's the matter?" " Were you rehearsing out there?" "Oh, that." "Just a little skit I put together for a surprise party we're giving a friend." " It's not very funny." " Milton Berle thinks it's funny." "Milton..." " Why, really, Mr Berle?" " Yes, I think it was just wonderful." "You're underestimating yourself, kid." "Why don't you do the routine for the gentlemen?" " Oh, no." " All right, clear the stage." "Clear the stage, OK, fellas?" "Do the subway routine that I taught you." "It's the best bit that you do." "May I?" "I'd like to give my impression of a man going to work in the morning on the subway." "He's great, great." "Watch." "Whoosh!" "He's beautiful." "Where is she?" "She's supposed to meet me here." "Oh, she's late again." "Oh, beautiful." "Beautiful." "How funny." "Never seen it in my life!" "They'll ask you to sign for the run of the play." " What's that?" " To stay with the show as long as it runs." "But you're entitled to more money." " Hey, you were good." " Really?" "Well, I gotta run along." " Very good, son." "Lots of luck." " Thank you, Mr Berle." "Welshy, old boy." "Bye-bye." "My regards to the family." " I will." "Yes, yes." " So long." "So long, kids." "Happy show." " We have to sign him right now." " Certainly." " What's his name?" " I don't know." "Al." "Alphonse, I think." "Oh, fella?" "Step over here, will ya?" "I'll ask for a $100 raise." "I wouldn't dare ask for more than 30, but go ahead." "Don't be shy." " Nobody talk." "Let me handle this." " Yes, sir?" " That wasn't bad." " Thank you, sir." "Say, I'm sorry, but what is your name?" "Dumas." "Alex Dumas." "You don't say." "Well, Alex, I think we can use your bit." "I'm not promising." "We may be over length." " Kerry, I wanna give Dumas a $10 increase." " Very well, sir." " Have him sign the run-of-the-play contract." " Right." "Not bad, eh, Alex?" "A $10 jump." "I don't think that's enough, Mr Burton." "I wonder if I heard you right." " I think so." " I don't." "Well, I'd like $50 more." "Where did you get that absurd idea?" " Milton Berle was laughing." " He was just being polite." "Now, look, Dumas." "You're new in show business." "A $50 raise is unheard of." "Ask anybody." "I would like $50 more." "It's out of the question." "Here." "Amanda, tell him, will ya?" "He wants a $50 raise." "Come over here, dear." "You don't realise, Dumas." "This isn't a big business." "You can't expect..." "I'm offering him a $10 raise." "Isn't that fair?" "Don't ask me." "I'm not a..." "Honey, the fella's just beginning." "This is his first big part." "He's getting a terrific opportunity." "I..." "I know, but, well..." "Well, he only got the part because he happens to look like Clément." "That's not such an opportunity." " Did you tell him to ask for 50?" " Uh... no." "Um..." " But 40 is a..." " You lost your mind?" "40?" "There's no need to shout at her." "Don't tell me how to run my company, will ya?" "You've no right to talk to her that way." " Will you take $10 or won't you?" " I certainly will not." "Then you're fired." "Please leave this theatre." " Am I fired?" " What?" "No." " What?" " He's a partner." "He likes me." " I like him." " See?" "Well, I don't." "I want him out of the show." "Get outta here." "Your 49 percent wants him out of the show but my 51 wants him in, so he stays in." "I'll settle the money question." "Come with me, young man." " What do we do now?" " I get a $50 raise." " When excited, you're just like your father." " And she gets a $50 raise." "What for?" "What's the purpose of that?" "Écoutez." "L'incident est clos." "Same sentence his father used to use." "He gets a $50 raise and she gets a $50 raise." "What?" "What for?" "Écoutez." "L'incident est clos." " Start the rehearsal." " Yes, sir." "OK, Amanda, you wanna get to wardrobe for "Let's Make Love"?" "Dress rehearsal. "Let's Make Love."" "May I help you?" "Boy, you sure got a lot of different sides to your character." "~ Oh, the gentle art of conversation ~" "~ Is deader than the Dead Sea Scrolls ~" "~ We've become the mutest kind of nation ~" "~ We're uncommunicating souls ~" "~ No one talks, no one talks ~" "~ It's something we seldom ever do ~" "~ No one talks, no one talks ~" "~ No one talks but... you ~" "~ Here we sit and we chatter ~" "~ What are we thinking of?" "~" "~ Let's not make with the patter ~" "~ Baby ~" "~ Let's make love My, oh, my, but it's stifling ~" "~ If you roar like a lion ~" "~ I could coo like a dove ~" "~ If you're sold, begin buying' ~" "~ Baby ~" "~ Let's make love Gosh, it's hot ~" "~ No, don't turn TV on ~" "~ Instead just turn me on ~" "~ I light up like neon ~" "~ Just a tiny section of your affection in my direction will do ~" "~ Ooh ~" "~ You'll just love my embraces ~" "~ Cos they'll fit like a glove ~" "~ We could get down to cases ~" "~ Maybe ~" "~ Kiss me, baby ~" "~ Let's make love ~" "~ Plan some moonlight trips with me ~" "~ Come to grips with me ~" "~ Lips to lips with me, do ~" "~ Ooh, ooh, ooh, you'll just love my embraces ~" "~ Cos they'll fit like a glove ~" "~ We could get down to cases ~" "~ Maybe ~" "~ Kiss me, baby, let's make love ~" "~ My, oh, my, but it's warm here Let's make love ~" "~ I sure wore a tight collar Let's make love ~" "~ I may need a salt tablet ~" "~ Do you know a good doctor?" "~" "~ Let's ~" "~ Make love ~" "If you're getting anywhere, my boy, it's much too slow." "I feel it." "I know it." "I could learn to sing, and that will do it." "He could be right." "Between comedians and singers, women always go for singers." "I know." "When I was younger, I played Broadway shows." "Some romantic baritone would come along, and the girls would start breathing hard." "Boy, if I had my life to live over again, I'd be a singer." "You want another teacher?" "I'll call one." " But the best." " The guy that I have in mind is the greatest." "Hello, operator?" "Good morning, Mr Crosby." "Mr Clément's expecting you." "Will you step this way, please?" "Uh, give me a little run on the piano there, Walter." "Écoutez." "Commençons." "~ I'm susceptible to stars in the skies ~" "~ I'm susceptible to stars in the skies ~" "No, take that dip." "That's where the money is." "~ I'm susceptible to stars in the skies ~" "Let me hear it." "~ I'm susceptible to stars in the skies ~" " Nice." "~ I'm incurably romantic ~" "~ I'm incurably romantic ~" " Oh, no. "Romantic" is a very big word." "Lay on it." "Baste it with a lot of schmaltz." "~ I'm incurably romantic ~" "~ I'm incurably romantic ~" "That's good." "That's fine." "~ Romantic, buh-ba-buh-ba... ~" " Oh, no." "Don't do that around here." "You'll get arrested, now." "~ If they're told to me all covered with sighs ~" "~ The wildest of lies seem too easy ~" "Run it all together like that." "Keep it moving." " The whole thing." " The breath?" "You and I will know you're out of breath, but she'll think it's very sexy, you see?" "Let me hear it." "~ If they're told to me all covered with sighs ~" "~ The wildest of lies ~" " Now a big breath." "~ Seem true ~" " Oh, that's reeking with sex, believe me." "~ Each time a lovebird sings ~" "See, that's showmanship." "Keeps her mind off your voice." "~ Each time a lovebird sings ~" "~ Each time a lovebird sings ~" " Can you whistle?" " Yes, but..." "It might be too tricky." "It might summon a lot of wild fowl." "~ I have no defences I have no defences ~" "~ My heart is off on wings My heart is off on wings ~" "~ Along with my senses ~" "~ I'm a setup for the moon when it's bright ~" "~ I'm incurably romantic if they're told to... ~" " Wait, wait, wait, wait." "Better rest." "Save your voice." "I hope you kiss better than you can sing, or you're out of business." " No good, huh?" " If we could get you to move or dance..." " Do you dance?" " No." "You don't dance, huh?" "Wait a minute." "I think I can swing it for you." "If I can catch this guy, boy, you're a cinch." " Right, Mr Kelly?" " Well, uh, the feet are right, Mr Clément." " But we'll have to work on the style." " Style." "You'll have to, uh..." "I should say..." "Look, you must express yourself the way an actor does." " Actor?" " Yes." "You see, a dancer expresses with his body what an actor does with words." " It's not just the feet." " Right." "This dance is what?" "It's romance." "It's a courtship." "You have to say that with your body." "You have to..." "You say "Darling, I love you."" " I see." " You see, you must think that as you dance." "Good." "I'll try it." " Darling..." " Yes?" " I love you." " Good." "Oh, darling." "I'll try again." "Darling..." "On the double, everyone." "Over to the piano." "Good news." "We're gonna run through a new number." "Come on, kids." "Let's go." "~ I'm susceptible to stars... ~" "Stop." "I'm awfully sorry, but he's not going to sing it." "I bought this number for Dumas." " Dumas?" " Yes, yes, of course." "I'm so sorry." "Miss Dell, would you be so kind as to try it with Mr Dumas?" "Well, this is a surprise." "Let's go, kids." " I hope I don't ruin it for you." " It's not your fault." "Kids, this is a very expensive number." "Let's do it proud." "Ahem." "~ I'm susceptible to stars in the skies ~" "~ I'm incurably romantic ~" "~ If they're told to me all covered with sighs ~" "~ The wildest of lies seem true ~" "~ Each time a lovebird sings ~" "~ I have no defences ~" "~ My heart is off on wings along with my... ~" "The spirit of this song is intimacy, real intimacy." "~ I'm a setup for... ~" " Put your arms around him." "Closer." " Drape yourself over him." "~ I'm incurably romantic... ~" "Melt together." "Your mouth closer to his cheek." "Kiss it." "Just a small one." "Now another one." "Good." "~ Like you ~" "~ But oh, your arms are nice ~" " Now nuzzle him." "~ And it would be awfully nice... ~" "Hold it." "What's the matter?" " Matter?" " You're freezing." "Just relax." " Oh, I'm sorry..." " You've met Miss Dell, haven't you?" " Yes..." " Well, let her get at you." " All right." " Until your last line." "Then you kiss her." "Strong!" "Mean it." "Make her know it." "You can do that, can't you?" "I'll try my very best." "Well, let's start again." "~ But, oh, your arms are nice ~" "~ And it would be awfully nice ~" "~ If you turned out to be ~" "~ Starry-eyed like me ~" "~ And ~" "~ Incurably ~" "~ Romantic ~" "~ Too ~" "That's not bad." "You've got the general idea." "We'll rehearse the rest again later." "Well, now we're getting somewhere." "May I take you to dinner tonight?" "We're rehearsing tonight." "I've never met such a difficult girl to feed." "Are you trying to kill yourself?" "Is this what I sat up nights with you for, with cold towels on your head?" "Everybody said I was crazy to hire you, but I believed." "And look what you're trying to do to yourself!" " Don't yell at him." " He's starting with this again." " Give me that!" "Give me it." " Tony, stop." "You don't need that stuff any more." "Come on." "Just because you had a tough break..." "No." "No, kid." "It's normal, for me." "I see it all now." "Three shows in a row before this I had great numbers." "All three closed out of town." "I did my job, everybody said I was great and nobody gets to see me." "Well, finally I've got the message." "I've had it." " But it's not your fault." " That's just it." "Forget it, Mandy." "I want out." "How do you get out?" "You say "I quit"?" "That's not out." "You're an actor." "Wherever you go, whatever you do, how do you leave it behind?" "No." "I don't leave it behind." "Look, I know I can do the number better than he can." "All I'm asking for is a chance." "I'm entitled to show them what I can do with it, but they won't even give me that." "It's not fair." "He should have a chance at the number." "He's entitled." " That backer won't listen." "What can I do?" " Try to make him listen?" " I believe you deserve..." " Then do it." "How?" "He's got control now." "I'll go out with Alex and keep him out for an extra half-hour." "Meantime, Tony, you can show Mr Welsh what you can do." "Honey, how do I get the man to listen?" "How?" "Put him on the stage as soon as I leave." "He won't walk out of the theatre." "He's gotta listen." " I can use Lily." "She knows the song." " Good." "All right." "We'll give it a try." "Come on now." "An old Chinese toast would be appropriate." "May our children like each other." "Is that all?" "The Chinese is longer." "Or else we'll have a noisy home." " How many languages do you speak?" " Five or six." "Listen, don't worry about the check." "We'll go halves, OK?" "Thank you very much, but I have quite enough to pay for this." "I am very happy, Amanda." "I understand tonight why I was born." "That's nice." "Um... couldn't you get a betterjob speaking all those languages?" "Someday you must go to France." "This time of year, the sky over Paris is exactly the colour of your eyes." " Do you mind if I say something personal?" " Not at all." "Maybe you're not ambitious enough." "Because, now that I know you..." "For instance, the United Nations or the State Department." "They could use you, I bet." "Or some big business where you'd deal with people from all over." " You have a way about you, you know." " What way?" "Well, not elegant exactly, but kind of... dignified." "I say it because every once in a while I can't place you." "I think that's because you're in the wrong line of work." " You always been a jewellery salesman?" " No, not always." " Well, I'm sorry." "I didn't mean to pry." " Please, don't be uneasy." "It's all right." "Let's have some more wine." "Amanda, I am in love with you." " Now, Alex..." " I have never said this in my life." "Amanda, I want to marry you." " Alex..." " What do you say to me?" " Then, you're not married." " Married?" "Why did you think?" "You never said anything about yourself, so what was I to think?" "I'm not married and I have never been married." "Darling, only your feeling is important." "What do you feel for me?" "I must know that." " Was it something terrible?" " What are you imagining?" "Well, I've done some things in my life." "It's very painful to talk about." " No." "No, darling." " But people have to trust each other." "Darling, I do trust you more than anyone in my life, and now I will tell you everything." " What is it?" " I have to apologise." "Here I am, asking you to trust me, and all this time I'm playing an awful dirty trick on you." "Me?" "I brought you here to give Tony his chance at your number." " I see." " He's doing it for Mr Welsh now." " Well, we can go if you like." " Of course, if you like." "I am very sorry that I came into your life too late." "I hope you'll be very happy." "Oh, I didn't mean that." "I only wanted Tony to have his chance." "Acting, for you, is just an extra job, but for him it's his life." "Please, darling, sit down." "Sit down." "I hope you're not mad, because I like you, Alex." "You do?" "Oh, my darling girl, marry me." " I adore you." " But..." "Very well." "I won't torture you any longer." "I am not a jewellery salesman at all." "I am a very wealthy man." "As a matter of fact, I am Jean-Marc Clément." "Ha." "You don't believe it?" " Come on, let's get some air." " I'm not fooling you." "You see, the other day my public relations man came in my office..." " Your what?" " Amanda, I am Jean-Marc Clément." "I had just returned from the Hong Kong office, and my public relations man said..." " I got..." "I left my..." " In the Variety..." " Oh, I didn't even..." " In the Variety..." " Oh!" " Amanda!" "Amanda!" "Amanda!" "I am a billionaire!" "~ I'm incurably romantic ~" "~ And I... ~" " Could it wait so I could do it with Miss Dell?" " It's really her number." "Well, I don't see what difference it could possibly make." "Amanda." " Amanda." " Go away." "I'm getting into my costume." "Now, listen." "The other day I came here with my public relations..." "Darling, I am Jean-Marc Clément." "Don't say that again." "You don't have to be Clément." "But I do have to be." "I can't help it." "I saw you, I wanted you and before I knew it, I was Alexander Dumas." "You know what I did?" "I got Bing Crosby to work with me on the song." "I paid Milton Berle, and Gene Kelly, too, and..." " Oh, darling." " Yes?" " It's all my fault." "Come in." "Lie down." " Yes." "Yes." "Yes." "I told you to get into the character, and that's wonderful." "But now you've got to get out." " Amanda, you'll drive me crazy." " Don't say that." "Relax." "It will all go away." "Listen, there used to be an actor." "He played Abraham Lincoln for so many years..." "This is true." "He grew his own beard." "He went around in a shawl." "And you know what they used to say?" ""He looks like Lincoln, he talks like Lincoln, but he won't be satisfied till he gets shot."" " I'll prove it to you." " It doesn't matter." "You don't have to be rich." " No?" " If you mean what you say." "Money doesn't mean anything to me." "I get jobs." "Forget all that, will you?" "Oh, my dear girl, how long I have waited to hear that." "I'm so glad." "Oh, I'm so glad." "Now tell me, who are you?" "Amanda, I am Jean-Marc Clément." "Now, look, enough's enough, Alexander!" "OK, call Berle, call Gene Kelly, call Bing Crosby." "Come on!" "I'll go right out and get them on the phone." "You get a kick out of this, whoever you are." " I can't stand anyone who makes fun of me." " May I be of any assistance?" " George, tell her who I am." " Who you are, sir?" "He's Alexander Dumas." " No, George!" "Tell her the truth." " The truth?" " Yes!" " I beg your pardon." "That's different." " Actually, he's Jean-Marc..." " Marc Clément!" " What?" " Who are you?" "King Farouk, I suppose." "I hope you both enjoyed it." "It's true what they say." "There's no comedians left." "But..." "~ I'm susceptible ~" "~ To stars in the skies ~" "~ I'm incurably romantic ~" "~ If they're told to me all covered with sighs ~" "~ The wildest of lies seem true ~" "~ Each time a lovebird sings ~" "~ I have no defences ~" "~ My heart is off on wings ~" "~ Along with my senses ~" "~ I'm a setup for the moon when it's bright ~" "~ I'm incurably romantic ~" "~ And I shouldn't be allowed out at night ~" "~ With anyone quite like you ~" "~ But, oh, your arms are nice ~" "~ And it would be... ~" "Is it too much to ask whether I like his performance?" "Of course you like it." "That's not the problem." "~ Turned out to be ~" "~ Starry-eyed like me ~" "~ And incurably romantic ~" "~ Too ~" "Listen." "Get an injunction to close the show." "Invasion of privacy." "But he can't do this." "It's impossible." "Obviously he can." "This is a very legal document." "This is the end." "The story of my life." "You'll have to cut "Specialisation"." "You can't cut that." "It's a wonderful number." "Oh, I love that number." "Yes, but he resents the ridicule." "Well, we'll get a lawyer." "Who is he, Hitler?" "Excuse me." "I have a suggestion." "For every lawyer you get, Mr Clément will have five." "That's no good." " You have a much better weapon." " What's that?" "The one thing Clément cannot resist." " A beautiful woman." " Say now." "If Miss Dell would pay him a visit, I feel sure she could charm him." " Charm him?" "I could murder him." " You will adore him, I'm sure." "What about that, Amanda?" "If you told him what the show was really like..." "It would be a good idea, young man, if you went along, too." " After all, they're both French." " Right." "Both of them are French." "I would be glad to help if I can." "Try it, will you?" "There's no time to fight him in court if we're gonna open tonight." " I'm not going alone with him or his friend." " No, honey, we'll all go." " I'll try to make an appointment." " It might be better if I made the call." "Swell!" "You can tell him in French!" " Good morning, sir." " Good morning." "We want to see Mr Clément." "We're from the Let's Make Love company." "It's very important." "What's the matter with her?" "Did I say something?" "Hey, what's the matter with you?" "Would you come in?" " She didn't say it's all right, though, did she?" " No." " Good morning, sir." " Good morning." "We want to see Mr Clément." "Is he in?" "Yes, Miss." "I suppose we may as well go in." "What is this, a war of nerves?" "Alex!" "You can't sit there." "You can't look through his mail!" "I'll do the mail now." "You've got to see a doctor." "Come." "We gotta get outta here." "Come." "Come quietly." "Quietly." "We gotta get outta here..." "Good morning." "To dottore Gino Martinelli, Milano." "Mio caro amico, sua proposizione riguardo automobile mi sembra molto ragionevole." "Cionondimeno, io confirmerò mio sentimento sulla questione in seguito." "Però spero che lei troverà qualche cosa abbastanza importante." "I miei migliori complimenti a lei e a sua moglie, senza dimenticare la sua carina figlia Caterina." "Vostro devotissimo, Jean-Marc Clément." "Why don't you sit down?" "It won't take long." "No, sir." "I won't." "That'll be all." "Please, darling." "Darling, darling." "There was no other way." "You..." " Shame on you!" " Please understand." "Letting me go on and on like a fool when you knew how I felt about you." "I apologise." "I beg you." "Darling." "Forgive me, darling, I beg you." "But look." "Look what happened the moment you knew who I was." "Even you were impressed." "Admit it." "You no longer saw me." "You saw only power." "Really, I've never been so humiliated in my life." " You could have told me who you are." " I did tell you." " How did you expect me to believe it?" " Because it was true." "That's no excuse." "Listen, darling, listen..." "I never want to see you again as long as I live!" "Amanda!" "Amanda!" "Amanda." "Amanda, darling, listen to me." "I ask you to stop the elevator and come back." "I will not." "I'm up here on the top of the world, Amanda, but my soul is going down to the street with you." "So I beg you to understand that I must stop the elevator." " Brace yourself, darling." " You will not stop..." "And don't think you're going to charm your way out of this." "What a life." "And all the time I'm trying to figure out how to buy you a square meal." "How could you bear watching me make a fool of myself?" "~ Here we stand and we argue ~" "~ What are we thinking of?" "~" " Alexander Dumas." " The Three Musketeers." "~ Let's not make with the... ~" "~ Baby ~" " Faker." "~ Let's make love ~" "Why do I like you?" "~ You'll just love my embraces ~" "~ Cos they'll fit like a glove ~" "~ We could get down to cases maybe ~" "~ Kiss me, baby ~" "My, oh, my..." "It's warm here." "Let's make love." "Should I still get my diploma?" "Let's make love." "Will they be surprised at night school!" "Subtitles by Visiontext"