"KEVIN:" "Ellie, back up." "Don't put your fingers in there." "He'll bite your digits off." "Why do we have to have this thing here, anyway." "JENNY:" "It's her class pet." "She might have volunteered to take it home for Thanksgiving weekend." "Ah, perfect." "ELLIE:" "He has a name, guys." "His name is Shakespeare." "He's vermin." "Can he sleep with me?" "Absolutely not." "But he can't sleep alone." "He has to sleep with somebody." "(guinea pig chattering)" "Hey!" "What?" "This thing won't stop staring at me." "He's not looking at you." "Yes, he is." "Look at him." "He's looking right at me." "Just put him in the kitchen." "Near the food?" "Good God, woman, that's how the plague started." "Are you afraid of Ellie's guinea pig?" "No!" "I just don't trust it. 46, 47, 48..." "You know, this really isn't isn't fair." "I shouldn't have to pay the whole thing." "PETE:" "Look, the rules of the fat bet, they are simple, they are unbending." "You either put in 30 minutes of cardio a day, or you put 50 bucks in the pot." "Yes, but I'm at a disadvantage." "I didn't get to sleep at all because Ellie's fat guinea pig kept me up all night." "How'd yours go, Ruxin?" "RUXIN:" "I ran." "Mm-hmm." "Bullshit, proof." "You want to see my pedometer that you make me wear?" "Yes." "What does it say, Pete?" "Shit, he ran three miles." "And I feel great." "Got a runner's high." "I just can't wait for this whole thing to be over so I can get back to my eater's high." "You mean diabetes?" "Whatever, it's almost over, okay?" "Thanksgiving is right around the corner, buddy." "You're gonna come over for for Thanksgiving?" "I'm gonna eat the shit out of some turkey." "Good, 'cause that's when we're gonna do the final weigh-in." "ANDRE:" "What about me?" "Tommy the Turkey." "I love going over to Kevin's house." "Are you coming over for Thanksgiving?" "Nope, because my parents think I'm going to Sofia's family's house, and Sofia's family thinks that I'm staying home to work." "I'm gonna have my house to myself, where I can roll around my home like an anonymous man in a hotel room." "Where a man is at his most base." "Exactly." "Pulling out Spiderman's left and right." "Yeah?" "When you nut in your hand, and you just..." "on the window." "I've been collecting those hotel-sized moisturizer bottles just getting ready." "Well, whatever you do, make sure you don't use Sofia's" "Noxzema, 'cause it burns." "Why would I use Noxzema?" "'Cause it's cold and tingly like a girls vagina." "What?" "Go swimming." "Same thing here." "Don't be eating at least an hour before you do plyo." "All right?" "Ladies, how's the workout going?" "Awful." "It's horrible." "Why aren't you working out?" "'Cause I'm going running later." "I can't believe they opened a Curves gym in your garage." "Get your feet off the cage." "It smells like a Guatemalan YMCA in here." "Congratulations on that." "Oh, take a break." "What's up?" "A little P90X?" "Bring it!" "Oh, God." "Big news." "Got a plus one for Thanksgiving." "Guess who?" "Did you meet him on Craigslist?" "Are his intentions honorable?" "No, my sister, Heather Nowzik." "Is she still pushing three bills?" "No, no, no, no." "Got the lap band." "She looks great." "Andre, and I say this fondly, your sister was such an unrelenting slutbag." "All right, you know what, I think you guys blew that out of proportion." "She taught me everything I know about going down on a woman." "I didn't even go there." "I never slept with her, so..." "Well, you were never invited to hit it." "The most promiscuous woman we know wouldn't have sex with you." "How does that feel?" "Facial." "I'm pretty sure the facials were going towards her, Andre." "Yeah." "♪ Ruxin's home alone and he's ready to rock. ♪" "You nasty, Ruxin, you nasty." "What do I do first?" "Look at porn or check my lineup?" "How about both?" "All righty." "Hmm." "Oh, yeah, I think I'm gonna do about five miles today." "(door opening)" "Hello?" "Dad?" "Rodney." "Everybody calls me Ruxin." "Rodney." "What are you doing here, Dad?" "Well, you know, your mom went to spend Thanksgiving with her sister the shoplifter, and I, as far as she's concerned, was out of town on business." "I thought you were gonna be with the conquistadors, your wife's family?" "Weren't you spending Thanksgiving down there?" "Well, as far as they're concerned, I'm home on business." "Yeah, well, nice to see you." "Since you're here, why don't you, uh, spend Thanksgiving here with me?" "Spend Thanksgiving with you here?" "Yeah." "Sure." "Great." "That's a great idea." "We'll be together." "We'll be together on Thanksgiving." "Well, look at you, you little homunculus, uh, without any pants and no shoes." "Like a man who's just fled from a carnival." "You know, you look a bit pale." "Some would say pasty." "I say like a freshly peeled apple." "You look well, too, Rupert." "Everybody calls me Ruxin..." "Rodney." "A bet's a bet." "It sucks." "I feel like the only place I might be losing weight is in the area..." "We got it." "Nether..." "We got it." "Don't hold back on my account." "No, no, continue with this homoerotic competition talk." "It's more than delightful." "Ruxin, how are you doing?" "I will also be paying $50 today, as I did not have a chance to run 'cause of my father's joyous visit." "But I'm glad to have him here." "I'm glad to be here." "I would rather pay that $50 than not have my dad here." "It's so great that you have your dad with us." "It's awesome." "Are you part of this group?" "I'm sorry, we haven't been introduced." "Andre." "Andre?" "Yeah, I was over at your house all the time." "Yeah, you used to call him "that boy."" "You told me to stop wearing black because I looked like Nosferatu." "I'm so sorry." "No, I don't recall that." "Hey, I'm Kevin." "Remember me?" "Look, he still talks like he's 17." "Sure, I remember you." "What have you done with yourself?" "Let me guess, let me guess." "Car salesman?" "Or, I know, failed inventor." "I'm actually a district attorney." "Really?" "Assistant district attorney." "You won." "You won after all." "Oh, wow." "Like father like son." "So good to see." "Hmm." "Hmm." "Hmm." "Hmm." "Anyhow, not sure I you ever knew this, but, um, used to steal all the liquor from your cabinets and replace the bottles with water." "I was quite aware." "That's why I peed in the bottles before you ever got there." "That's why mescal never tasted the same." "As much fun as this all is, got to go to the bathroom." "Hey, another of these, please." "Just get it right." "Okay." "Make them do it better." "And in a clean glass." "Okay." "Thank you." "Well, now you know how we feel." "Let's go for a quick run." "Rodney." "Hey, Dad." "Hey, Rodney." "What are you doing here?" "Just watching some TV, flipping through channels." "Come and join me." "Oh, boy." "What are you watching?" "Oh, here's what I was looking for was Hoarders." "Well, here we are, watching the hoarders." " Bullshit." " Bullshit." "This is bullshit, Dad." "Entire bullshit." "This was supposed to be my house hotel this weekend." "House hotel?" "Yeah." "That's a great way to put it." "That's what I was hoping for." "That's why I..." "Lied to your wife." "And you as well." "I was hoping to make your house my, my..." "Your hotel." "My house hotel." "I mean, full disclosure." "Yeah." "We're both adults." "Yeah, you weren't here to watch Hoarders." "No, I was here to watch the Playboy Channel." "Bullshit." "Bullshit." "I was gonna watch something filthier." "Yes." "And not on my laptop." "Everything is at your fingertips at a laptop, but, no, you want to watch it on your..." "The TV." "Yeah." "Full volume." "Full volume!" "Not hidden away like Anne Frank in the attic, whispering, you know?" "Well, I don't think she was doing this, but, uh, I get the idea." "But if we are being honest..." "I find it refreshing." "You know the fat bet I have going with my friends?" "Right, right, right." "This is what I was using the pedometer for." "I'm not running, I'm "running."" "It's marking the..." "Yeah, indicates the..." "I understand." "Stop that." "That's what you were going to do, and that's how you were going to bypass athletic exertion?" "I broke a sweat." "What a bunch of morons you hang around with." "I couldn't agree more, Dad." "So, we should collaborate on that." "Anything I can do to help that?" "Oh, no, Dad." "Please!" "No, no, not that." "Oh, for God's sake, not that." "I'll take the thing tomorrow morning, I'll run six miles, and, uh, you register it however you want to register it." "Now, if you'll excuse me." "I'm gonna jerk off to interracial porn." "Don't have to disclose everything." "TACO:" "Behold, the white truffle." "There she is." "Wow, this is gonna make my risotto the hit of Thanksgiving." "Yes, it will." "All right, let's talk business." "All right, how much you want?" "$2,000." "It's worth, like 800 bucks." "Yeah, I know." "For it to be a good investment, I have to sell it for a lot more than what I paid for it." "That's not how an investment works." "You don't understand how business works." "You can't just determine the price." "I can, it's a seller's market." "What do you mean?" "No, it's not." "There's plenty of truffles." "No, there aren't." "There are none left in the city." "You're lying to me." "Listen, dum-dum, I don't have time to explain to you how finance works, okay?" "All you need to know is that you need to pay me a lot more money than what I paid for it." "Look, just give it to me." "I'll give you, like, 1,000 bucks, okay?" "Look, look, look." "I was cutting you a deal because you're a friend of a friend." "A friend of a friend?" "Like an acquaintance." "All right, just put it away." "That's $3,000." "All right, get out of here." "$3,200." "What if I pay you nothing?" "Hmm, that's gonna cost you." "Ridiculous." "What's up, shit bags?" "What's going on guys?" "Time to run." "Ruxin is logging the miles." "The guy's like his own personal cross-country team." "It's like when his dad got here, he just went off the chain." "Yeah, he's now running so much, he's now walking funny." "Oh, my gosh." "What is this?" "Heather." "Look at this." "Heather." "You guys remember Heather, right?" "Hi!" "Oh, my." "Doesn't she look great?" "Heather!" "Good to see you." "Where's the rest of you?" "What happened?" "I got the lap band surgery." "Doesn't she look great?" "Did Andre do your lap band surgery?" "No, I had like a real doctor do it." "I'm a real doctor." "Smart, smart." "Oh, my God, look at you." "I have not seen you with hair growing out of your face." "I have a penis beard now, too." "Do you go like this with it?" "It's too short." "Okay, what the hell are you talking about?" "This is not an appropriate conversation here, all right?" "This is my sister." "You know I was their sexual mentor, Andre." "She taught us everything we know." "Taco didn't know what a vagina was until I got my hands on him." "He was 11." "That was wrong." "He was a clueless 11." "A very learned 12." "She taught me no hole left behind." "Pete, are you still a generous lover?" "You know, I got to say, I've become very selfish." "You know, I find it feels the same for me either way, so I'm going with it." "That's a shame but I respect it." "Yeah." "You remember your moves?" "You know, there's so much information." "I do the best I can, but this really helped out." "The church?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "Here's the church." "Here's the steeple." "Open the doors, just eat all the people." "Nose, nose, nose, nose..." "What the hell is this?" "You got a good..." "What were you running like a sex clinic out of the house?" "What did you think we were doing in there when we told you we were playing video games?" "I don't know, playing video games?" "Yeah, we were playing "Sister Invader."" "Yeah, "Seven minutes in Heather."" "Look, I'm your sister." "I'm a sexual being." "Okay, I'm your brother and I'm not, so..." "I mean, I am, but I'm not interested in..." "Don't be so ungrateful." "Remember that night where I taught you all those sex tips?" "No, I don't." "All those tips actually came from your sister." "Oh, boy." "Wow." "So, by proxy, then, you learned everything you know about sex from your sister Heather." "Okay..." "All right." "Interesting." "No, no, no." "Why don't we leave these two alone..." "She's not teaching me anything about sex." "Yes." "You guys have fun." "Thank you so much, good to see you again." "No." "All right, I'll meet up with you guys." "So good to see you again." "That's gross." "What do you know?" "What do you mean, what do I know?" "I can help you so much." "I don't want your help." "I know you think you're a sex expert, but most women, they can't have orgasms." "Trust me." "I've dated a ton of girls, and they've all told me they've never had one." "Oh, my God, you're so adorable and heartbreaking." "Do you have any moves?" "'Cause I can help you with this." "That-that's my move." "Ah!" "That's our move." "Oh, no, no." "It's our move." "Let's call Mom and Dad." "Heather!" "Hi!" "So good to see you, thank you for coming." "Happy Thanksgiving." "Happy Thanksgiving." "Hello, hey." "Get in here, buddy." "Oh, what are you doing?" "We don't..." "Give me a hug." "Give me a hug." "No." "Can I give you a hug?" "No, gross." "Can we pound it out?" "No." "Thank you." "Thank you, Heather, thank you." "Jenny's in the kitchen." "She wanted to say hello to you." "Oh, yes." "Here, I'll take this." "Andre, is that your risotto?" "It is, indeed." "You know what's missing?" "I got a nice truffle sitting right here." "Yeah, I'm not gonna pay $2,000 for your white truffle." "That's right, you're gonna pay $2,200 for it because of the market." "What market?" "For it to be a good investment, I need you to give me as much or more than what I'm asking." "Taco, I'm never buying that truffle." "Fine, then he's gonna steal it right from under you." "I will never." "See, now we got a good old- fashioned bidding war going on." "We don't." "No, the opposite of that." "Oh!" "It's good to see you." "Thank you." "It's great to see you." "I'm so glad you're here." "Kevin was like a little boy when he heard you were coming." "He was just..." "I'm so happy to see him." "Ah." "You make him so happy." "Oh, thank you." "And I know he's making you happy." "Yeah." "I'm good." "Especially orally." "I'm sorry?" "He was taught by the best." "This guy." "Wow." "Come on, I bet he's great down there." "Eh." "I'm having a heart attack right now." "Is he doing the church?" "Is he going to church?" "No, we don't go to church." "Is he doing the thing where he pulls back the labia majora and he kind of goes into the labia minora?" "Oh, I'm not really sure about the whole..." "majora, minora." "I would love to reteach him." "Yeah, see, I think that's just a little... strange." "It would be my joy." "Thank you, but where he's married to me, I think it just is a little..." "Oh!" "Yes, that's strange." "That is not what I meant at all." "No." "He would do it to you." "I would just be there." "I'd be, like, right there, you know?" "Wow, no, yeah." "That-that's a little weird, too." "Would you rather I did it directly to you?" "And then he would just watch and take notes and kind of..." "No." "I think we're good." "You don't want me to reteach him?" "No." "Not a refresher course?" "No." "Are you sure?" "No." "Oh!" "I just want to eat the shit out of that right now." "You should definitely have it." "You know, I think I'll wait." "Why don't you go ahead and have some?" "Oh, no." "Tell you what, why don't you eat the whole thing?" "I'm waiting for the weigh-in." "Which, by the way, do we have to wait for Ruxin for this?" "It's a good point." "We do have a quorum." "Never again." "Andre, by the way, I couldn't help but notice your new team name:" "The "Twlight-Breaking- Dawn-dres."" "My God." "Are you kidding me?" "What?" "It's a book for the ages." "Yeah, girls ages 11 to 14." "Boom." "I love that you guys are still making fun of Andre-- so defenseless." "I'm not defenseless." "We're shit talking." "No, they're shit talking." "You're shit taking." "Speaking of, I think I'm gonna drop about a half a pound before the weigh-in." "Excuse me guys." "Wow." "That's a lot of information." "Oh!" "All right." "All right, let's do this!" "I like my son's chances." "Yeah, I been running so much I think I pulled something." "We got 177." "All right." "Not bad." "All right, so..." "If my calculations are correct, Andre lost the most amount of weight." "But isn't it half the equation?" "Isn't the other half the amount of time exercised?" "Yes, and by a staggering three-to-one ratio, Ruxin decimated us in that category." "Boo." "Sucks." "Which makes Ruxin the winner of the fat bet." "Oh!" "And the Bears tickets, too." "I might take a complete stranger, or just throw them away." "You literally have lost no weight here at all." "Bro, it's all muscle." "But this guy-- look at him over here." "He worked hard, he dieted, he took care of..." "What was that?" "W-What?" "What are you doing?" "It's a slimming belt." "Oh, dear God." "Oh!" "It's not cheating, it's a slimming belt." "Those are Spanx." "No, they're not." "It's like a weight belt that you wear all day." "That's a corset, Andre." "No, it's called the Belly Bandit." "That's for pregnant women." "It's a postpartum girdle." "Oh, my God, Pete." "It's so boring out there." "I have a great idea." "Let's play video games." "Okay, all right." "This is what Thanksgiving's all about." "What-what?" "Okay." "You got to..." "Whoa, hey." "Sorry, buddy." "First of all, it's very important to remember." "Okay, yes." "During Thanksgiving, the Indians taught the cowboys to eat maize and be generous lovers." "Okay." "And it was very important." "You have to celebrate that." "Heather, I'm loving this." "The boobs, the butt, the whole thing's great." "I'm just so hungry, I literally can't think of anything else right now." "You'd rather eat than have sex?" "Yeah, when you say it like that, it sounds really bad." "Okay, I understand completely." "Go tide yourself over." "I'll meet you in eight minutes." "We'll go to the bathroom, but really, you'll lick my vagina." "It'll be perfect." "All right." "I'm gonna eat, and then we'll do the V and the A, and it'll be great." "That's the holiday spirit." "Happy Thanksgiving." "It'll be great." "Game plan." "Mm." "What a doll." "You've never taken me to church, is all I'm saying." "Honey, the woman is a lunatic, okay?" "And I want to take you to church, I just get confused." "Sometimes I pull up, and I'm sweaty already, and I'm not exactly sure which door to go into, all right?" "So, let's just feed the beast and..." "Did you let him out?" "No, I did not let him out." "Did you?" "No." "Shakespeare?" "Put your finger in." "See if it's in there." "No." "Shakespeare." "This is not good." "Shakespeare." "Shakespeare?" "Oh, you got to be kidding me!" "Oh, shit!" "What?" "Taco's truffle!" "That's a $1,000 truffle." "He ate the whole truffle!" "How does..." "Look, there's truffle shavings!" "He dragged it out like a lion ripping out a gazelle." "If we were a restaurant, they would shut us down." "They would give us a "D."" "We have to figure something out." "What are we gonna do?" "We got to tell people that there's a beast..." "Nothing." "We're not going to do anything." "I am hosting Thanksgiving dinner." "We're not saying one thing about Shakespeare." "We're not saying one thing about that truffle." "We are just going to host confidently and silently." "Like Helen Keller." "No." "All right, guys." "Heather is officially in the giving mood." "She tried to violate me in Ellie's playroom." "Oh!" "That's why I had sex with her yesterday." "What?" "Why?" "Get the sex out of the way early, that way, there's no sexual tension." "I hate sexual tension." "God, Kevin!" "You put it back in the oven after you baste it." "Yummy." "I love truffles." "So, why don't you and I go to my house and we'll make papardelle together with the the truffle." "Do you like that?" "I would love that." "Taco?" "I want to buy that truffle." "No can do." "Just sold it to Rupert." "Forget about him." "Come on, give it to your old pal." "No, no, no, no." "You snooze, you don't win." "I'm about to get it in Ellie's playroom." "All right, I will pay you anything." "Double." "No, no, no." "I'll take the truffle." "I want the truffle." "All right, bidding war." "Okay, I'll give you 300 cash." "400." "3,000." "500 cash." "600." "6,000." "I'll give you 600 cash right now." "Sold!" "Yes!" "And that's how you make an investment." "And a little lemon sorbet as a palate cleanser between courses." "Awesome." "Yeah." "I love ice cream." "It's not ice cream, it's sorbet." "You just gently take a little lick to cleanse your palate." "Just gently." "No, you're using your teeth." "Biting is not good for the sorbet." "Who cares about the sorbet?" "I care about the sorbet." "Kevin, just let the sorbet know you're there with the heat of your breath." "Awaken it just ever so slightly before you touch it." "By accident, almost." "By accident with your lips." "Don't be shy to get a little finger in there, too." "Oh, so eating sorbet is like going to church." "That would be amazing." "I don't really like sorbet, but I love watching women eat it." "Ah, oh." "I got a seed." "That happens." "You know, it's like your tongue is dead weight, it fell asleep." "And you have to drag it with the motion of your head." "I love the way Heather eats that sorbet." "I myself enjoy the sorbet, but I like what you're saying about letting your tongue do that." "You're doing something with the movement of your head, but I find that you can eat the sorbet while keeping an active tongue." "Like this." "Yeah, get active." "Doesn't have to be completely dead." "But it really is whatever you feel like." "Ah, I like what you're doing there." "You do as you feel..." "Dip it in." "And... deep, and you can make it deep." "I'm never gonna be able to eat sorbet like that." "Sticky." "I feel like I'm watching my own birth." "Ooh, yeah." "You show me how you like me to eat sorbet." "Can we get a palate cleanser for our palate cleanser?" "♪ Da, da, da...!" "♪" "The turkey's here!" "Hey!" "That smells good." "Okay, let's get it going, pass the plates down." "I'm actually gonna excuse myself for a second, and take myself out of the situation, lap band wise." "Totally understand." "Okay, all right." "Thank you so much." "All right, let's eat!" "As hard as it it to admit, this turkey's delicious." "It's got, like, a really rich, earthy quality to it." "Oh, thanks." "Almost tastes like truffles." "There are truffles in this?" "Kevin did you use the truffle?" "No, I didn't touch the truffle." "Andre, you snake!" "You took the truffle." "I didn't eat your truffle." "I told you, I..." "Oh, dear God." "No." "Shakespeare?" "Oh..." "Ugh!" "You fed us goddamn guinea pig like some Peruvian street urchin?" "!" "It's a tur-guinea!" "Yeah." "Thank you to Kevin and Jenny, for letting me taste what a dead pet guinea pig tastes like." "You ate Shakespeare?" "No!" "You ate Shakespeare?" "No, no, no!" "No, honey." "Ellie, Ellie!" "Oh, my God, Dad!" "Oh, Heather." "Hey, guys!" "I just saw your dad's vinegar strokes." "I saw into his soul." "Not good."