"I gotta tell ya, Ray, this is the worst bachelor party I've ever been to." " I'm enjoying it." " Yeah, come on... it's is his last chance for fun before he moves out and becomes Mr. Amy MacDougall." "Besides, what are you complaining about?" "You've won every hand." "It's three people." "I'm up 35c." "How many you want?" "Three." "All right... what'd you guys do?" "Who's this gonna be?" " Hector?" " I need to show a guy the apartment." "Yeah, but, Hector," "I'm right in the middle of my bachelor party." "We'll just be one second." "This is the living room and here is the kitchen." "The bedroom's back there." "Don't worry, I have a chemical that will completely take care of the smell." "I'm kinda looking for something a little bigger." "Bigger?" "No no no!" "He's lived here for four years, and he's muy grande!" "That's okay." "Sorry to bother you guys." "All right." "All right." "So where were we?" "Hector!" "Hector?" "You said your disposal is broken!" "I called you three months ago." "So here I am!" "Look, Hector..." "All right." "Come on." "Forget about it." "How many you want?" " Give me two." " Two." "Wait a minute." "That's my beeper." "So?" "This is that waitress I met." "She said she'd page me if we could hook up after work." "So call her and tell her you'll see her later." "Ray, this girl's into me right now." "Time is my enemy." "Whoa whoa." "It's the middle of the party." "Hey, I'm sorry, man." "You understand, right?" "Aw, yeah, of course." "I'm gettin' married, but I'm still a guy, right?" "Thanks, Robert." "Hey, congratulations on your wedding." "Amy's a great girl." "I wish you all the best." "Let's go, Ray." "What?" "I'm not goin'." "My car's at your house, you idiot." "You gotta drive me back." "Ugh..." "All right, look, I'll drive him and then, uh... then I'll come back." "Look, don't worry about it." "It's fine, Ray." "What d'you mean?" "Of course I'm comin' back." "This is your special night." "Nah, listen, it's okay." "It's getting late." "You probably have a lot of stuff to do tomorrow." "Well... all right." "Are you sure?" "Yeah yeah." "This was fun." "I had a great time." " It was fun." " All right." "Come on, you dope!" "All finished." "Thanks, Hector." "Robert... let me ask you, just man to man... what is that smell?" "Hey." "Hey, what are you doing home?" "Nothing." "We had the party, and it's done." "The bachelor party's over already?" "Yep." "Ray, it's 8:30." "Honey, uh, I want some of this Jell-o, but I don't want to get a spoon." "Is that going to upset you?" "Raymond, how could you?" "!" "What?" "We just got off the phone with Robert." "He told us about your so-called party." "You completely let him down on his special night." "What?" "We had a good time." "Then why did he sound so depressed?" "Because he's Robert." "He told me he spent the last half hour gambling with his super." "Oh well, see?" "The party kept going even after I left." "He lost his security deposit." "How is that a party?" "Look, this is what Robert wanted." "When we talked about it, he said, "Don't make a big deal."" "Well, of course he said that." "When someone says, "Don't make a big deal,"" "it always means make a big deal!" "No no." "Robert doesn't do that womanish double-talk." "Actually, he's been talking about a bachelor party for months." "He has?" "Yes." "He was all excited, wondering what you had in store for him." "I'm sorry, Ray." "I don't want to make you feel bad about this." "I just think that maybe you... really screwed up." "Oh." "Raymond, you're gonna have to give him another party!" "What?" "Yes." "And this time do it the way you're supposed to." "Make it a big deal." "Debra's right." "Ray, he's your brother." "Make it something he'll remember." "Are you giving me permission to get a stripper?" "No!" "What then?" "What are we talkin' about?" "Just make a fun party." "A big shindig." ""Shindig"?" "Could he invite my father and my brother?" "Of course he can!" "Wait a minute, they hardly know Robert." "Or like him." "Actually, this party could be the first step in bringing everybody together and ending the tension." "Oh, now I am getting excited!" "Oh, me too!" "Ask Frank if he can have it at the lodge." "He can make it a surprise party!" "Ooh, yes!" "And when Robert comes in, everybody should sing "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow"!" "Oh!" "And I'll ask Cousin Gerard to bring his accordion." "I love that!" "Oh, that sounds wonderful!" "Ray, make sure when you call the guys to tell 'em it's a surprise party." "Oh, they'll be surprised." "Ray, you're doing this." "I'm not having a shindiggy, accordionic sing-along at the lodge!" "I mean, do you hear yourselves?" "This is as lame as it gets!" "No, Raymond." "When a person breaks the heart of his only brother... that's as lame as it gets!" "All right." "Oh, good!" "Thank you, Raymond!" "Yes, thanks, Ray!" "This is a good thing you're doing." "You know, whether someone says so or not, everybody likes to be treated special." "Listen, if you want to treat me special right now..." "I'm a little tired." "I've got Jell-o..." "Hey, Garvin." "Hey, Ray's here!" "What are you doing?" "You're supposed to be outside watching for Robert, come on!" "Oh, yeah!" "I'd better get out there!" "Look out!" "Ray, you know, they got no alcohol here." "What do you mean?" "There's a bar right here." "You're supposed to bring your own liquor, dopey." "We don't keep liquor here at the lodge." "You guys swim naked together." "You-you're telling me there's no alcohol involved?" "No." "We lost our liquor license after Vinnie tried to shoot an owl with a flare gun." "So a bachelor party with no alcohol." "Nice goin', Ray." "Hey, Ray, check it out." "That's good." "That's good." "Why don't you do it over there?" "This way when he comes in..." "you're over there." "Sure." "I'll stay limber." "Hey, Ray, let me use your belt so I can hang myself." "Come on, huh?" "It's not that bad." "Uh... yeah, it is." "Hello, Raymond." "Oh, hey." "Hi, Hank." "Well, if it isn't Hickory and Dickory." "Hello, Frank." "Hello, Hickory!" "Dad." "Guys, I'm really glad you could come." "Well, Amy had a long talk with me, and she's asked me to... make an effort with your family." "And I'm going to make an effort because I'm a Christian." "Hey, Ray, you wanna liven things up?" "I'll put in a call to Carol." "She's a real favorite at these kind of events." "Oh my..." "That's okay." "Look, Stan, no strippers." "Good for you, Raymond." "No strippers?" "!" " No strippers?" " Come on!" "I had my boss pay me in singles!" "Ray..." "Whoa!" "Wait wait!" "You guys can't leave, man." "No drinking?" "No strippers?" "I'm a married man!" "You can't do this to me!" "I'm sorry, all right?" "Everybody come here." "Please, listen!" "Everybody, please." "Listen to me." "I'm under a lot of pressure here to make sure Robert has a good time, okay?" "Now, I'm sorry there's no drinks, and I'm sorry there's no strippers." "All right, I know!" "Look, we could all watch TV till Robert gets here, okay?" "There, watch the game." "Everybody, please, just watch the game." "Hey!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "What the hell is this?" "It's the banner you ordered." "It's supposed to say "Congratulations, Robert."" "I think on the phone you said "Woody."" "No!" "No!" "Robert!" ""Congratulations, Robert."" "I can't use this!" "Well, we've got some balloons, but we can't blow 'em up." "Just get something, we'll cover up the "Woody" part." "Just get something, and we'll cover it up." "Hey, Ray." "What's goin' on?" "Who's Woody?" "You are." "What?" "Whoo-hoo!" "They were supposed to sing-along, but I forgot to tell 'em." "Wow!" "So all of these people are here... for me?" "Yeah." "It's your, uh, surprise bachelor party." "Surprise!" "Surprise..." "Wow!" "I had no idea!" "Thank you." "You know, when Ma told me to come down here with a change of pants for Dad, I was prepared for the worst!" "Yeah." "You already had a party for me at my apartment." "Yeah, but that was lame." "Or-or the decoy." "Or something." "That was pretty good, right?" "He's coming!" "Yeah, uh... he's actually right here, Garvin." "Oh." "I saw him get out of the car... then I must've dozed off." "Wow, Raymond." "So you did all of this for me?" "Yeah." "The place looks great." "You like this?" "Who wouldn't?" "Well... that's great." "I'm glad you're happy." "What are you saying, Raymond?" "You're glad that I'm happy?" "Yeah." "Actually, yeah." "Hey hey hey!" "Look who's here." "Hello, Robert." "Congratulations." "Yeah, dude!" "How are you?" "I gotta tell ya... that you two came really means a lot to me." "It's good." "It's nice." "Hank, want some soda?" "Actually, I never drink carbonated beverages." "So how're ya doin'?" "I'm doin' great." "This is nice." "It's nice to have all these friends here." "So, uh, Amy told me that Ray threw you another one of these parties last week." "Like, uh, a really bad one, huh?" " Yeah." "The decoy." " Oh." "Oh... that was a decoy." "Jeez, you know, now I'm confused because, um, I had heard that because of that one," "Amy, Debra, and your mom forced Ray into throwing this one." "Yeah." "I mean, Amy begged us to come, but, um... hey, it turned out great, right?" "Look, everyone's having a blast." "Jeez... your brother must really love you there..." "Woody." "Ray!" "Hey, happening' party." "What the hell is wrong with you?" "What?" "Why would you say that to him?" "I don't know what you're talking about." "Dad?" "I think I'm getting one of my dizzy spells." " Do you think we could leave now?" " But we just got here." "You know, Ray, I'd love to stay here and talk with you, but I am really getting lightheaded here." "Is someone wearing a citrus-based cologne?" "Come on, Dad..." "No, I want to talk to you." "Hey!" "Hey!" "Don't go all mafia on me here, okay?" "Maybe we should go home, son." "You can lie down in the van." "Raymond, thanks so much for inviting us." "I enjoyed the fact that you didn't have stripping women." "Why didn't you punch that guy in the nose?" "Dad, not now, okay?" "I was ready to deck that Hank." "Okay, everybody go back to partying." "Go." "Listen, Robert, sorry." "You know him, he's crazy." "You know him." "He's "Peter, Peter, Ritalin eater."" "It's true what he said, Raymond, isn't it?" "What?" "That the girls made you throw me this party, and that the other one wasn't a decoy and... that that was all you were gonna do." "No, man, no no." "No no, look, Raymond, it's okay." "I know you." "I know that sometimes you can be a little selfish and thoughtless... dishonest." "Remember Halloween?" "1967?" "You unwrapped a chocolate bar out of my bag and replaced it with a cat poo?" "I'm sorry." "I don't blame you for being mad at me." "No look, I'm not mad at you, Raymond." "And you know why?" "Because somewhere there's a cat poo waiting for me?" "No." "In spite of all of this, when you said that you were happy that I was happy, you meant that." "And that was the best surprise." "Yeah, okay..." "No no." "You... you meant that." "And that means the most to me." "Well..." "I gotta hug ya!" "Come here!" "Come here!" "Hey, you wanna get out of here and get some drinks?" "That'd be great." "Hey, guys, we're hittin' a bar!" " Whoo!" " Let's go!" "Hey, look, they served cake." "Good ol' Woody." "There we go." "Try one of these." " Hi!" " Hi!" "Hey." "Hello, ladies." "Did you boys have a good time?" "Yes, we did." "So good that we had to take a cab home." "You gonna tell them everything?" "Hi, Mommy!" "Oh, I love to see you boys like this." "Loaded?" "No, happy!" "Look at them." "So the party was a big success, huh?" "The party... stunk." "But never underestimate the importance of the after party." " Yes." " No." " Yes!" "Yes!" " No!" "No!" " Yes!" "Ha!" " Yes!" "Yes!" "Uh-oh... so what did you guys do?" "Enough talking." "Maybe you should take me home." "Oh my." "I bet there were strippers." "Were there strippers?" "No!" "That's why we're here." "Hi..." "Oh, God." "Every woman's dream." "I can imagine what's waiting for me at home." "Good night." "Shall we?" "I've never seen you like this." "You're not gonna throw up, are you?" "I already did!" "What are you looking at?" "Nothin'." "But I know I'm goin' upstairs with one of you two."