"Alert, alert!" "Video diary alert!" "This week is gonna be huge!" "Huge, huge, huge." "I'm giving a presentation to the senior partner of the firm, and it is a great chance for people to notice me for more than just my intimidating stare." "And, also, this weekend is Cookie Prom, the annual event where Helen-Alice, Marika, and I commemorate a not-so-great prom night." "That was the worst night of my life." "Everybody laughed at us." "Who cares what they think?" "We don't need their stupid prom." "Yeah, all that slow-dancing and bodies touching..." "Gross!" "Yeah, they wouldn't even let me play the mix CD" "I burned special." "What is the one thing that cheers us up more than anything else?" " Word problems." " Jean jackets." "Better." "Cookie Prom is a tradition, and traditions don't die." "* Don't stop me now *" "* I'm having such a good time * * Good time *" "* Super fun night * * I'm having a ball *" "* Don't stop me now * * 'Cause I'm havin' a good time *" "* I don't want to stop at all *" "* Super fun night * * Super fun wild night *" "Hey, Kimmie." "Are you awake?" " What are you doing?" " I couldn't sleep." "I'm so excited about Cookie Prom." "I'm so pumped!" "What time is it?" "My alarm didn't go off!" "I have that presentation for Mr. Warner!" "Okay, uh, I got to go!" "Oh, you probably accidentally set P.M. instead of A.M... classic A.M./P.M. Mix-up." "Where the hell is Kimmie?" "She probably saw a hot pie on a windowsill and got distracted." "Hey, wildly inappropriate, and she will be here on time." "Maybe a bit late." "Whoa." "Hi." "Can we just..." "Oh, come on!" "Looks like we're on the local." "So, shall we get started?" "Kendall Quinn, Mr. Warner." "I just wanted to introduce myself and say that it's an honor, sir." "You're right." "Who are we waiting for?" "Boubier." "That's not a real name." "Sorry!" "You must be Boubier." "Yes." "Mr. Warner, um, please don't fire me." "I don't think I can do anything else." "Kimmie, what you did today was totally unprofessional." "Not if I was a professional at mail-cart luge." "Still, I can't think of one reason not to fire you." "Oh, God." "Except for this report." "It's exemplary." "You have potential, Kimmie, but you're squandering it." "Do you know what your biggest problem is?" "Yes." "Snarling Hannah." "She never talks to me." "She just looks at me like..." "No, you lack confidence, Kimmie." "You remind me of my daughter Kammie, Kimmie." "I used to say to Kammie, Kimmie," ""Warners don't wonder whether Warners are winners because winners never wonder whether Warners win."" "So, can Kimmie not be crummy like Kammie, or will Kimmie be like Kammie and careen out of control?" "That's entirely up to you." "The world is separated into layers." "There's a social hierarchy and the business hierarchy." "They're all interrelated." " Okay." " I am here." "You are here." "In five years, you could become a junior partner, but you have to start acting like a professional." "Okay." "I'm making a note." "To get rid of this notebook." "It's time to grow up, Kimmie." "You're not in high school anymore." "No, but I still have a baby tooth in the roof of my mouth" " that burns when I eat ice cream." " Have it removed." "She's a disaster, and she still manages to Kimmie her way in there." "Has the world gone crazy?" "!" "I'm glad we had this little talk." "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some work to finish up." "Well, thank you so much, Mr. Warner." "And please be on the lookout for your invitation to the unveiling of the new, more professional Kimmie Boubier." "That's an invitation I look forward to accepting." "An invitation to what?" "Uh, Mr. Warner, I just wondered if you had a moment before you head to the airport to chat about who's taking point on the Aizer case." "Actually, something's come up, and I'll be staying through tomorrow night." "I have a cocktail party." "Kimmie's throwing a cocktail party, and she invited Warner, and he's going." " So?" " So I have to go to that party." "If I can get some alone time with Warner," "I know I can lock up the Aizer case." "Well, just ask her if you can go." "I'm not going to ask her." "I'll seem desperate." "She has to invite me." "What I'm hearing is that you have nothing going on this weekend." "This is going on all the time." "I think we have a good list of the cookies we want this year." "Okay, there's something I want to bring up, but I don't want you to get mad." "If you say, "Can we have animal crackers?"" "I swear to God, I'm gonna put you through that window." "Hey, Kimmie!" "K-Dog, how the presentation go?" "Great!" "I crushed it." "Hey, Kimmie, animal crackers... yes or no?" "You don't have to answer that." "But technically you're the deciding vote, so we really need you to weigh in." "Guys, seriously, whatever you want." "Just do whatever." "I don't really care." "Okay, I'm gonna go back to my room and just do some work stuff." "So..." "Oh, told ya!" "Classic A.M./P. M." "Okay." "Well, that was weird." "She doesn't want to help us with cookie-prom stuff?" "Oh, well, she's probably just tired." "She was up really late working on that presentation." "Yeah, I'm sure you're right." "Animal crackers are on the cookie aisle." "I will put your tiny body through that glass." "What is the most professional?" "Glasses?" "Ooh-la-la!" "Hmm, I concur." "I think glasses?" "Hi, there." "Would you promote me?" "I'd promote me." "Whoa!" "Someone's going to the DMV!" "What did you do, Kimmie?" "Please, ladies, it's Kimberley now." "Okay, why are you wearing glasses?" "Kimberley wears glasses." "Kimberley doesn't snort-laugh anymore." "She giggles and says, "That's so funny."" "Kimberley answers her phone like this." "Hello." "It's Kimberley." "Way profesh!" "I feel like I'm talking to online tech support." "Wait, am I talking to online tech support right now?" "Okay, um, well, please excuse me because Kimberley needs to get to work early because she knows how to set an alarm." "This is how Kimberley leaves a room." "Adieu." "Kimberley will clean that up later." "Morning, Kimmie." "You look amazing." "Oh, thank you, Richard, but it's Kimberley now." "I'm trying to change my image." "Oh, right." "In that case, maybe I should change my image." "Instead of Richard, I should be called..." "Richie!" "Hey, hey." "Kimmie Boubier, let me ask you something." "You like mozzarella on your pizza?" "Or what about, uh..." "Ricardo?" "Tell me, Boubier, have you ever been to Ibiza?" "That's so funny!" "Hmm." "Okay, you really are serious, aren't you?" "Is that why you're writing in a moleskine?" "Does this mean that the, uh, unicorn notebook has been banished to the shelter for imaginary animals?" "I gave it to someone who needed it more." "Hey, everyone, check out my new notebook." "Don't touch it!" "Hey, Kimberley!" "Richard told me about the name change." "Love it." "And I brought you a little something." "Oh, my God!" "A tiny tree!" "I... how appropriate and decorative." "It's very thoughtful." "So, I was thinking that maybe we could, uh, pop out early for lunch at the Noho House." "I'm a member." "The Noho House?" "!" "I mean..." "That's so exclusive." "I heard they turned away Mayor Bloomberg because he was too short." "Oh, Kimberley." "That's not why they turned away Mayor Bloomberg." " That's so funny." " That's so funny." "Anyway, I just felt that we should get to know each other better." "You know, I invite you to something." "You invite me to something." " Fun stuff." " Well, I'd love to go." "But unfortunately, I have plans with friends." "Oh, well, if what you're doing is more important..." "Oh, no." "No, wait!" "Maybe I could move some things around." "Done." "Let's go." "First, Kimmie didn't help us last night, and now she's at the Noho House, having lunch with her fancy friend while we do all of the work." "This never would have happened when we were in high school." "Yeah, well, no one else would talk to us when we were in high school, except for my mom... when she needed money." "Exactly..." "We were there for each other when nobody else was." "And your mom still owes me, like, $35." " I know." " Mnh-mnh." "I have an idea." " Calzones!" " No." "Let's go down there right now and remind Kimmie why this night is so important to us." " Yeah!" "Yeah, totally." "Let's do it." " Okay." "Oh, and, by the way, that $35... yeah, you're never gonna see that." "Well, I don't know where they got this caviar from." "But it is not beluga." "I can tell you that much." "Oh, hello, darling." "That's Mitzi Astor." "She claims to have been in Maine for the past four months, but we all know what was going on." "Tendinitis?" "Oh, hello, darling!" "It's a dessert tray." "Well, Kimberley, isn't this nice?" "See, this is what friends do." "They have cocktails, go to parties... events, cocktail-party events." "Excuse me, Kimmie, but we need to talk." " How did you get in?" " Through the kitchen." "We just grabbed a couple aprons, breezed right through, no questions asked... classic acting like you belong." "I think you've forgotten what tonight is and how important it is to all of us." "Oh, is something going on tonight?" "No, nothing's going on." "I don't know what they're talking about." "This is really not the right time." "Uh, Kendall and I are in the middle of a private lady-to-lady lunch." "I say we make it lady-to-lady-to-lady-to-lady." "That sounds awesome." "No, um, darlings, can I speak to you in private?" "We need to talk about Cookie Prom." "Yeah, can we not do it here?" "Oh, why?" "Are you embarrassed?" "No, of course not." "I'm just in the middle of a lunch." " Yeah, with Kendall." " Who happens to be a very important lawyer at the firm, and the fact that she's asked me here means that she's taking me more seriously." "And she's really nice." "She helps the homeless..." "move away from her building." "She's cool." "Yeah, you know what else is really cool?" "A forklift... until it drops you." "Are you gonna come home and help us or not?" "Uh, no." "I-I can't." "You guys should probably go." "Ouch." "Kimsicle, that was ice-cold." "Fine." "We'll have Cookie Prom by ourselves." "And if you happen to see our old friend Kimmie, tell her we'd like to see her there." "Hi, Hannah." "Hello, Hannah." "Always lovely to see Snarling Hannah." "Okay, what's wrong?" "You love my Snarling Hannah." "Helen-Alice and Marika are mad at me." "Like, really mad." "Madder than the time I invited my prison pen pal to stay with us." "You're not gonna tell me to move out, bitch, because I'll move your fat ass out to the curb with my foot!" "It was a bad summer." "I often wonder if you can appreciate the utter insanity of the things you say." "Um, so, why are they so mad at you?" "Well, ever since high school, we've thrown this...party." "I used to think it was fun, but now I just think it's juvenile." "But, Kimmie, that's what friends are for... to make you do things you're not comfortable doing." "Sometimes having friends is the worst." "Have you ever had a colonoscopy?" "It's pretty bad." "Anyway, have fun at your terrible party." "I don't know about you guys, but my dress still fits like a freaking glove." "So does the old retainer." "I really should have cleaned this." "Guys, it has been 10 years since three diamonds in the rough forged their own prom..." "Cookie Prom." "Congratulations." "Mm." "Cheers." "Okay, I can't wait anymore." "Prepare to reboot your minds because I'm about to blow them." "Now, I know you're gonna think I'm going a little overboard on this, but just go with me, okay?" "Lots of girls must have lousy proms, right?" "Cookie Prom can extend past the three of us." "Picture it... a stadium filled with thousands of girls, each one of them holding one of these!" "Ooh!" "Behold, the cookie-zooka!" "Brace yourselves, ladies." "I'm about to launch some dough." " Oh!" " Whoa!" "It's...it's still in beta." "All right, it is time to crown... the prom queen!" "This year, it's you, Kimmie." "Oh, no, you... you can wear it this year, Helen-Alice." "Put it on." "You're the prom queen." "Hey!" "Just put it on." "You won it fair and square, Kimster." "No, don't." "You're ruining my professional hair." "We're having fun, so just put it on!" "Who is that?" "Don't be mad." "I know this is an exclusive event, but..." "This isn't a cocktail party, is it?" "I don't understand." "I thought you were having a cocktail party with Mr. Warner." "What?" "No, I've never thrown a cocktail party." "So, uh, what is this?" "Oh." " This?" " Mm-hmm." "Why, it's just three ladies sharing cookies in the privacy of their own apartment." "No big "D."" "Uh, yes, it is a big "D." It's... yes, it is." "It's a big "D."" "It's the biggest "D" I've ever had in my life." "It's basically just a celebration of when we couldn't get dates to prom and everyone made fun of us so we made our own prom and the cookies were our dates until we ate them." "So..." "We do it every year." "Oh, my gosh, this is the saddest event that anyone has ever thrown." "Well, on the surface, it might appear lame, but, actually, it's kind of... ironically cool." "Uh, nope, not ironically cool, not ironic at all." "In earnest..." "100% in earnest." "It is a prom that celebrates cookies!" "That's what it is, and you made it up!" "Okay, um, I'm gonna get going." "Uh, I hope you ladies enjoy your little cookie party." "Oh, but, um, lady-to-lady lunch tomorrow?" "You know, I just remembered I'm totally booked." "See you at work..." "Kimmie." "Really?" "Ironically cool?" "Just so I know I didn't hallucinate this." "Okay." "That's it." "I am done with this Cookie Prom!" "It's a stupid event made up by a bunch of babies who need to grow up!" "No, Cookie Prom is a ritual that we created to help us get through high school, which wasn't so awesome if you remember!" "How could I not remember?" "!" "You won't let me forget!" "I think you're just mad because you got dropped by the forklift, okay?" "Classic forklift drop." "Stop saying everything is classic!" "Stop yelling!" "It's like I don't even know you anymore!" "Do you even like c-cookies?" "!" "How dare you!" "Oh!" "Oh, no, Kimmie!" "Okay, guys, calm down!" "No, no!" "Look!" ""Hey, I'm Kimberley!"" "Helen-Alice, I am warning..." "Seriously, I am warning you!" "You know what?" "!" "Remember when I said you looked good in a strapless?" "!" "I lied!" "You need the support!" "Aah!" "That is it!" "Right in the vag." "I'm sorry I hit you with the crown." "I didn't mean to." "It's okay." "You opened my eyes..." "by shutting one." "Perhaps permanently." "I guess we'll see what the tests say." "I'm so sorry, Kimberley." "It's back to Kimmie now." "There she is." "Guys, I'm sorry." "I think I took the whole Kimberley thing a little too far." "I just didn't want to be Kimmie from high school anymore." "'Cause I'm so different now." "Yeah, you are." "Everybody is." "I'm a different girl than I was in high school." "Oh, me too... totally changed." "Remember, I used to be terrified of everything." "Now I ride the subway, and sometimes I sit." "No, I don't." "I don't sit, but I ride the subway." "I am sorry that I ruined Cookie Prom." "Okay, seriously, straight up, like, if I can be real with you guys right now..." "I love pie way more than cookies." "I just liked Cookie Prom 'cause it was something we all did together." "It's okay." "We don't need it 'cause Cookie Prom was just a symbol of our friendship, and we will always have that." "If only we could go back in time to our high-school selves and tell them it gets better." "The Weitzner brothers are such jerks." "Why do they have to make fun of us just because we didn't have dates to homecoming?" "Benny Weitzner was saying mean things to me the whole night." "And when I fell, he laughed at me." "Now my dress is ruined." "Oh, come on, Maggie." "Don't cry." "Those guys aren't worth it." "Just once I want to show them what it feels like to be made fun of all the time." "That's not ever going to happen." "Excuse me, girls." "Do you happen to know where these Weitzner brothers live?" "Uh, yeah, on Long Island." "Why?" "Who are you guys?" "We're from the future." "I can't wait to go to this party." "It's gonna be so fun." "Ohh!" "What is this?" "!" "What the...?" "Dude!" "Come on!" "Yeah, but you see, we don't call it an elevator." "We call it a lift or, uh... or the..." "I-I-I-I-I some..." "I sometimes call it an up-down box o-or a flying refrigerator." "You can use that, actually." "Sorry." "I just have a very important presentation." "Really?" "Well, you need some sustenance." "Why don't you have some of this yum-yum?" " No." " Really?" " No." " Oh, it's nice." "Actually, I think that's last week's." "Where's this week's one?" "Yeah." "Yeah, oh, no." "I definitely do like a woman with very large shoulders." "Or are these pads?" "Oh, these are pads, aren't they?" "So, you see, the thing about blackheads... they're not actually black, not by a mile." "This is another example of the skin-care companies being racist." "Oh, yes, and it doesn't just end there." "So, I set up a subscription, and now they send me a new cat every month." "Oh."