"Right, who have we got left?" "Erm, just Clancy." "Joe Mulligan's Clancy?" " That's right." "Seems he's been "womiting" again." "It's probably... someone he ate." "Odd sort of creature." "A cross between an Airedale and a donkey." "Yes." "Look, you wouldn't like to see him for me, would you, while I look after that little lot?" "I'd love to but unfortunately, he did ask specifically for you." "He says Clancy's known you since you were a boy." "I see." " Not frightened of the thing?" "Me?" "Frightened of a dog?" "That'll be the day." "Good." "There you are, then." "I've heard when old Clancy's bored, he gets Joe on the floor and worries him like a rat." "Good morning, Mr Mulligan." "What's that, sir?" " I said good morning!" "No, I'm not, sir." "I'm not." "It's me feet, you know." "I'm a martyr to me feet." "You'd be hard put to find a foot flatter than that one, sir." "Unless it were this one." "Yes." "Been vomiting again, have we?" "Pardon?" "Vomiting!" " Oh, yes, sir." "Yes." "He's been womiting again." "Right, well, let's have a look at him, shall we?" "Well, he sounds healthy enough!" "It's a clear note!" "Good dog." "Hm." "Hm." "Well, he seems pretty lively to me, Mr Mulligan." "Pardon, sir?" " He seems pretty lively!" "Oh, that's good, sir." "No, let me." "Here we are then, Mr Mulligan!" " Ah, Mr Farnon!" "The usual dose." " I'm grateful to you." "All part of the service." "If that doesn't do the trick, bring him back to see us on Thursday at two o'clock." "Er, Thursday, sir, at two." " Two o'clock." "Yes, sir." " Try to be on time for a change." "Don't worry, sir." "I'll be here." "We'll both be here, sir." "Won't we, Clancy?" "We'll be here." "Thursday's your afternoon off." "And James takes Helen out on Thursdays." "Good Lord, that is so." "Perfectly true." "Imagine forgetting a thing like that." "I'm sorry to bother you, Mrs Hall." " No bother." "Oh, the way some people live." "I don't know." "If they weren't looked after by others." "I'll go soon." "Then the place is yours." "I'll love that." " Did you have time to mend my socks?" "Well, as a matter of fact, I did." "Mind you, it wasn't easy." "There were more holes than socks." "How do you manage it?" "Manage what?" " Getting them in that state." "I don't know." "Wear and tear." "The work I do, I suppose." "How did you manage before here?" "With difficulty." "I used to buy two pairs of socks at a time, then wear them till the feet dropped off." "Then I'd buy two more pairs." "So on it went." "Bit expensive." "Wicked wastefulness." " I suppose it was." "You need a good wife to look after you." "There's no shortage of nice girls here." "I'm sure." "But it wouldn't be fun for a girl on what I earn." "Married life's not meant to be fun." "No." "Of course not." "I'm sure you're right." "I am right." "I may spend most of my time in my kitchen but I still hear a lot of what's going on." "Oh, yes?" "You've been courting Helen Alderson." "Well, not exactly." "I mean, not exactly courting, Mrs Hall." "I don't know what else you'd call it." "Look sharp." "A bird in the hand." "There's many around here who'd like to get their hands on that one." "Yes, well, thank you." " Take heed of what I'm telling thee." "Otherwise you'll find you're too late." "Too late?" " You know what I mean." "About those socks." " In t'kitchen on t'dresser." "Oh, hello." " Mr Alderson." "I weren't aware I'd sent for t'veterinary." "This is a social call." "Is Helen in?" "Aye, she's about somewhere." " Oh, good." "Well, then, you'd best come in, then." "Thank you." "Well, sit yoursen down a while." " Thanks." "Wet." " Hm?" "The weather." " Aye." "How's your Dandy coming along, Mr Alderson?" "Huh?" " Dandy." "That Jersey of yours." "The one in calf at the moment." " Candy." "I beg your pardon?" " Her name's Candy, not Dandy." "Who the hell ever heard of a cow called Dandy?" "Oh, yes, of course." "Dandy." " She's all right." "Good, good." "Good." "Hello!" "Hello, James." " Hello, Helen." "Sorry I had to nip out." " That's all right." "Dad's been keeping you entertained?" " Oh, yes." "Yes, we've had a rare old chat." "He doesn't think much of me, does he, your old fella?" "Of course he does." " No, he doesn't." "As a matter of fact, he can't stand me." "That's not true." "It's just..." "Well, we've always been very close." "You're a threat - any young man is." "I can't blame him." "Let's face it, I'm not much of a catch." "Novice young vet." "I'm not even a partner yet." "If ever." "Richard Edmundson, now, that's who your dad probably has in mind for you." "Rich." "Powerful." "Handsome." "He's certainly that." "In a toffee-nosed sort of way." "Would you believe me if I told you he was really very nice?" "No." "What the hell do you see in me?" "You're always laughing at me." " Perhaps that." "What was that?" " I see you!" "Go on, off you go!" "I've been swindled, Mr Farnon!" "Swindled, Mr Biggins?" "Aye." "With that damn carthorse that that swine Beresford sold me." "That horse is nothing but a pig in a poke." "Really?" " Aye." "There's summat wrong with one of his legs." "He's walking all the time summat like this." "Look." "I wonder if you could show me that again, Mr Biggins?" "Yes, with the greatest of pleasure." "That end bit just one more time?" "What, this bit, you mean?" "When he's trotting, does he sound like this?" "Nay, nay, nay, nay." "No, he sounds more like this." "This?" "No, no." "I told you he sounds like this." "Stringhalt, Mr Biggins." " Eh?" "Caused by contraction of the flexor muscles." "He is a pig in a poke." "It's incurable." "I told you, eh?" "Eh?" "And that's not all besides." "It isn't?" " No." "He's got summat wrong with his waterworks." "Oh, he has a hell of a job." "I wonder if you could show me exactly what happens?" "With the greatest of pleasure." "Excuse me, sir." " I'm doing the accounts." "I can't be disturbed." " It's Mrs Dalby." "Nine carry one..." "Mrs Dalby?" "Why on earth didn't you say so?" "My dear Mrs Dalby, come in." "Come in." " Thank you." "Make yourself comfortable." "And could you organise some tea and scones, please, Mrs Hall?" "How about a spot of sherry while we're waiting?" "Not for me, thank you." " Sure?" "Quite sure, thank you." "Well, how are you?" " Oh, I'm all right, thanks." "And the children?" " Oh, they're fine." "Thriving." "Good." "How is everything up on the farm?" "Well, it's... er..." "Mr Herriot's not here, then?" "Er, no, he's not here at the moment." "Only it was him I was wanting to see, really." "Ah." " Well, it's the herd." "I'm afraid some of them can barely stand on their feet now." "Oh, dear." " What do you think it is?" "Well, there are no indications of salmonella or anything of that kind, Mr Herriot checked and rechecked." "Some kind of poisoning, perhaps?" "James has been over those pastures thoroughly." "When he comes back, I'll get him to come up and have a look." "That's very good of you." "Mrs Dalby, I have absolutely every faith in James - he is a first-class vet." "But if you would like me to come up and have a look?" "Just as you like, Mr Farnon." "Ah, well done, Mrs Hall." "You are a saint." "Now, then, Mrs Dalby, will you be kind and pour it all out?" "Right." "Not so good, eh, Mr Herriot?" "No, Charlie, I'm afraid not." "I'll go up tomorrow and see what I can make of it." "Right." "You don't mind?" " It's got me beaten." "Well, we're not gods, James." "Just fumbling mechanics most of the time, working with inadequate tools on vehicles we've hardly begun to understand." "It's certainly got me beat for the moment." "Er, James!" "James, give me five minutes and we'll be off up to Dalby's." "Right, Siegfried." "Tristan, did you see to Mulligan's dog yesterday?" "Right." "Yes." " How was he?" "Oh, same old thing." "Bleugh!" "I gave him a bottle of the usual stuff." "Yes, and what of the patient's condition?" "Well, I thought he was pretty lively." "Pretty lively." " That's right." "I take it you examined the animal?" "Er, well, not exactly, no." " Not exactly?" "I didn't see the point." "I mean, I'd seen him a few days before." "Oh, you mean you examined him then?" "Well, no, not really, no." " No?" "The dog is as big as an elephant and he's spooky." "There was only Joe there to hold him." "You were afraid of him?" " No." "I mean, I knew it would be difficult and I was pressed for time." "God help us." "You're a final year student and that's the best you can say - pretty lively." "What on earth does that mean?" "How many times do I have to say it " "I expect you to record pulse, temperature, respiratory..." "Yes, Siegfried." " ..to palpate the abdomen..." "Yes, Siegfried." " ..to open his mouth and examine teeth, gums and pharynx, check the condition of the skin and if necessary, catheterise him and examine his urine." "Yes, Siegfried, absolutely right." " Well, well, well." "You made another appointment?" " Oh, yes." "When for, pray?" " Monday evening." "Well, you haven't put it down." "Here?" "At his house." " Well, so I should think." "For heaven's sake, he is a mere hound." "He is large but one mustn't let oneself become intimidated." "You know dogs well enough - if you show yourself the master, they're all cowards at heart." "Besides, we have an integrity to defend and a professional conscience to satisfy." "Yes, Siegfried." "Right, then, Monday night." " Right." "Isn't Monday when you and James go to the Young Farmers meeting?" "Right." "You thought it'd be good to mix with the younger clients." "Yes." " Good." "Hm." "Most mysterious." "Is there anything we can do?" "There's not a lot we can... do, except wait and hope." "We'll be up to see them again tomorrow." "Are they going to die?" " I wouldn't like to say that." "Where there's life, there's hope." "Oh, now, then..." "You know what the worst bit is?" "The way they stare at you with those big, hopeless eyes." "And you know there isn't a thing you can do for them." "That's right." "But of course!" "Specs." "Hm?" " They were all wearing specs." "Specs?" " Specs." "Spectacles." "I was standing there staring at those cows and one of them was staring right back at me." "I remember thinking, "She looks as if she's wearing specs."" "And of course she was, Siegfried." "She was." "A ring of lighter hair round each eye." "Yes!" " Copper deficiency." "Right." "Loss of pigment of the coat, especially round the eyes." "That's marvellous!" " I'll make up a mixture and go." "I'll give her a ring and let her know for you." "Would you mind if I told them myself?" "No." "Course not." " Hm." "Cheers." " Cheers." "Raining, is it?" " You don't have to go out in it?" "Afraid I do, yes." "Poor old chap." " Oh, I don't know." "I er..." "just passed James in the hall." "Oh, yes." " Hm." "On his way out into this muck." "Gleefully, I thought." "Yes." "Is he all right?" "Transfigured, I should have said." "Repeat that every fortnight while they're out to grass." "It's a nuisance but it's the only way." "Can you do that?" "Aye, we can do it, Mr Herriot." " Good." "Good night." "Aye." "Aye!" "Bye-bye." "Thank you." "See you next week." "Hello." " Hello." "Here, let me help you." "Thanks." " How are you?" "Fine, thanks." " Where did you go after the dance?" "To see a pig, actually." " Oh, yes?" "What are you doing?" " I'll drive you home." "Give me a chance to show off my new car." "But Dad's picking me up." " I'll save him the trouble." "All right." "Thanks." "This is lovely." "Yes, it's not a bad old banger." "Hello." "Young Richard brought you home, then?" "In his Rolls." "Them Edmundsons - they don't know what they're worth." "Hm." "But then..." "money isn't everything." "No." "Except when you've got nowt." "You could do a lot worse, you know, than young Richard Edmundson." "I know that." "You'd certainly never want for owt." "There is that." "I'll put the kettle on." "All right." "You wanted to see me, Siegfried?" "Yes, come in." "James... is out, is he?" "Yes." " Good." "Sit down." "Ah!" "Listen..." "Cheers." " Cheers." "What do you think about James at the moment?" "From what point of view?" " It's like he's in a trance." "Oh, that!" "He's in love." " It's serious, is it?" "Oh, deadly, yes." "Shush, you lot." "This Alderson girl he's besotted with, are the emotions reciprocated?" "Well, James certainly seems to think so." "Why?" "Have you any reason to suppose they aren't?" "No." "Just that I saw her today with Richard Edmundson." "He picked her up in his Rolls." " He's like a big spider." ""Motionless with patient lust at the centre of his web."" "Who wrote that?" "Anyway, James is such a slowcoach with women that unless he's careful," "Edmundson will have just whipped her up and that'll be that." "That would be terrible!" " Wouldn't it, now?" "James in love is bad enough." "But James rejected doesn't bear thinking about." "We've got to do something about it, Siegfried." "Yes." "Yes, I rather think we have." "James, is that you?" "Yes." " Oh, you're back." "How did it go?" " Oh, straightforward enough." "A bit smelly and messy but apart from that." "A cold and dirty calling we have." " Yes." "Had an old friend of yours in tonight" " Harry Forster." "Said he'd seen you on the tops last weekend." "Oh, yes." " Amusing man, isn't he?" "He was reckoning we have a nice, cosy little nest here." "And it's time there was a bird in it." "They all want you married off." "It's not me he was referring to." "It's you." "Me?" " Yes, of course." "It's you he sees walking your Helen over his land." "Poor old Harry." "And of course, he's quite right." "It is time you were married." "Who, me?" "Me, married?" "You're joking!" " I'm not." "No money." "I've not considered it." "You ought to be ashamed." " Me?" "What about you?" "Don't be impertinent." "Ships that pass in the night." "Surely you don't think that about Helen?" "Of course not, but I'm..." " There you are." "You are courting the girl, are you not?" "Well, yes, I suppose so." "She's so attractive that she causes traffic jams on market day." "Mm-hm." " She's also intelligent." "Equable." "And an excellent cook." "Do you disagree with anything I've said?" "Of course not..." " Then what on earth are you up to?" "You've got an excellent wife lined up and you don't do a thing about it." "I wish you'd stop mucking about and take some action." "I've only just met the girl." "I can't propose after a fortnight." "James, don't be angry with me." "I'm going to tell you something for your own good." "Caution is often a virtue but you carry it altogether too far." "Siegfried..." " James, please let me finish." "There's a time to be cautious and a time to plunge ahead." "Get up a good gallop or you'll never get over the fences." "This is marriage - "till death do us part", not running to hounds." "It all relates, James." "And besides, to be brutally frank," "I'm not sure how much longer I can put up with it." "What?" " Look at the state you're in." "I'm just not getting the full benefit of your assistance any more." "You're in a trance." "Do you know what you're doing?" "Sorry if my work doesn't come up to scratch." "No, James, don't apologise." "I understand perfectly." "Just do something about it!" "The cure lies in your own hands." "I have no home, no money, nothing!" "But leap into matrimony anyway!" "What sort of cure's that?" "It's like curing a headache by cutting your head off." "Oh, you worry about details." " Details?" "You're a fully qualified vet, so you'll never want for bread." "And this place is full of rooms." " You make it sound so simple." "Put off your hesitant ways and marry the girl before Richard Edmundson beats you to it." "Richard Edmundson?" "He's always about, isn't he, hovering in his web?" "And the Edmundsons didn't get where they got for lack of trying." "I am going to bed." "There's a tide in the affairs of men." "Yes, you have made your point." "Oh, hello, James." " Hello, Tris." "I say, have you seen Richard Edmundson's new car?" "No." " 1929 Rolls convertible." "Oh." " Didn't Helen mention it?" "Helen?" " I just thought she might have." "Why should Helen mention it?" "It's just that he was driving her round in it this afternoon." "Oh." " Yes." "Didn't you see her earlier tonight?" " Yes." "Oh." "Must've slipped her mind, I suppose." "Coming for a drink?" " No, thanks." "I'm a bit tired." "I'll turn in early." "Good night." " Good night." "Poor old James." "Have a drink with me later." "Hello, Mr Mulligan." " What's that, sir?" "I'll have a pint, thank you." " How are you?" "Still womiting, sir, but well." "Oh, Mr Farnon fixed him up, did he?" "He did, sir, he did." "Wonderful stuff, that medicine." "He did examine him, didn't he?" "It's funny you ask me that." " Why?" "He's a clever man, that Mr Farnon." "And no doubt about it, I've never seen a man work so fast." "Three seconds flat and he'd seen all he needed." "Oh, yes?" " I'm by the fire, see, and Clancy's stretched out on the floor at me feet." "All of a sudden, there's a bang at the door, and Mr Farnon comes in." "Oh, thank you." "Good luck, sir." "Oh." "Ah." " Go on." "What's that, sir?" " Mr Farnon!" "Oh, yes, sir." "Well, he has his thermometer in his hand as he's come in." "Clancy's up in a flash and gives a bit of a woof." "Bit of a woof." " And Mr Farnon turned and walked straight out again." "Next day, sure enough, he sends the usual bottle round." "Really?" " An amazing, man, sir." "Amazing." "Yes, I'll tell him you said so next time I see him." "You do that, sir." " Have another drink." "Another drink for Mr Mulligan." " You're a gentleman." "Two rashers of bacon or three, Mr Tristan?" "Nothing for me, thanks." "Just a cup of tea, please." "Good morning." " Hmph!" "Oh, you look rough." " Rough night." "Two rashers of bacon or three, Mr Herriot?" "Three, please, Mrs Hall." " Same for me, please, Mrs Hall." "Hello, boys." "My word, you look a trifle faded, Tristan." "Do you mind?" " Oh, dear, another hangover?" "Never mind!" "A good Yorkshire breakfast will sort that out!" "Can I have two eggs and sausages and a lot of dripping on my fried bread, please?" "Excuse me." " Sit down, Tristan." "Somehow, we've simply got to teach you to go easy on the beer at night." "Morning, James!" "James!" "Ah, James." "Where is he?" " He's out." "A case?" " A secret mission, I think." "Oh, I see." "By the way, guess who I saw last night?" "Not being a mind-reader, I'm hardly likely to, am I?" "Joe Mulligan." "Oh?" "Did he say how Clancy was?" "Mm." "Pretty lively." " Really?" "He said you'd had a look at him the other night... briefly." "I was in a hurry to get to Lord Halten's." "He said you seemed to be in a hurry." "He said he'd never seen anything like it - the speed with which you assessed the dog - it was the talk of the pub." " Really?" "Yes, Halten sounded urgent on the phone." "When I got there, the crisis was over, so I needn't have rushed." "I'm glad you brought the subject up." "I've been meaning to talk to you about Clancy." "I'm not at all convinced we've explored the causes of that dog's symptoms thoroughly enough." "No, his vomiting is certainly due to a depraved appetite but the least we can do is make absolutely sure." "What exactly did you have in mind?" "Well, I thought I'd drop a note in on Joe asking him to come in here with the dog at, er... 2:30 tomorrow afternoon." "Tomorrow afternoon." " I take it you're free?" "Well, actually..." " Good." "Couldn't be better." "That's fixed." "Come on, dogs!" "Good boys!" "It's very impressive." "Mary, Queen of Scots probably didn't think so." "Oh?" " She was imprisoned here." "Wretched English." "Helen, I wanted to..." "Oh, it's magnificent, isn't it?" "It's beautiful." "I love you." "I love you." "Marry me?" "All right." "Congratulations, that's marvellous!" "She's much too good for you." " I think so." "When's the happy day?" " We thought next month." "Have you seen her father?" " Not yet." "You haven't spoken to her father yet?" "I do intend to." " Good." "Or he'll get a shock on the wedding day." "It's a matter of..." "picking the right moment." "You'll be needing a best man." " Hm." "He now possesses one." " Oh." "Well, come on, let's get some sleep." "You may have got yourself betrothed but life does still have to go on." "Oh, hello." "Not here yet, then?" " Oh, no." "It's only just half past two." " Yes." "I suppose one could say that this dog is a somewhat difficult creature in his way." "One could say that." "So when he arrives, take hold of his head." "I'll nip in and grab his back end - hoping he doesn't kick - and... give him a sedative." " Right." "After that, everything should be simplicity itself." "Fine." "I'll be off then, Mr Farnon." " Right, Mrs Hall." "Anything wrong, Mr Farnon?" " Wrong?" "You both look as if summat awful's happened." "No, nothing awful's happened." " Yet." "Where the devil is the fellow?" "!" "He's always late." " We're meant to accept that?" "We're busy, professional men." " I've got that colt to cut." "I have Mr Wilson to see to." "We can't hang around all day." "It's disgraceful." " Insolent!" "They take advantage of your good nature, they always have." "Do you think they do?" " Oh, yes." "We're going to have to do something about that." "We'll teach them a lesson." "Joe Mulligan's going to be made to realise that 2:30 means 2:30!" "Right." " Right!" "Are you ready?" " Yes." "What was that?" "I thought I heard a knock." "I could've been mistaken." "The wind in these old houses plays tricks with one's ears." "Come along, Clancy!" "Erm..." " Don't be a damn fool, Tristan." "Mr Farnon?" "Are you there?" "Have a nice journey?" "It were draughty on that train from Leeds." "How's Candy?" " Any minute now, Bert said." "She waited for me, then." "Good." "He thinks more about that cow than he does about us." "Ah." "Ta." "James is coming over tonight." " Oh, aye." "To see you." " Oh, aye." "By the way, I saw Joe Mulligan out with Clancy earlier." "Oh, yes?" "How did he look?" "Well, pretty lively, I'd say." "Oh, good." "Do I look all right?" "The best you could expect with what you've got to work with." "Oh, you've had a bath?" "Of course I've had a bath." " All right, all right." "It's just you do smell a bit vile." "I was cleansing at Tommy Dearlove's." "I scrubbed myself raw but still stink." "Bit of a problem." " Mm." "Is Mrs Hall about?" " She's gone to her sister's." "Right, then." "Follow me." "There." "Have a bath." " I've had a bath." "Have another bath and use this liberally in the water." "What is it?" " Auntie Maggie's remedy." "Mrs Hall's bath salts." "When things gets too much for her, she soaks in this and dreams she's Fay Wray." "I can't use that muck." "All right." "Go over to Helen's smelling like a slaughterhouse." "Oh, all right." "He's here, Helen." " Right." "Hello, Mr Herriot." " Hello." "Do come in." " Thank you." "Hello, love." " Hello." "All right?" " Yes." "Is something the matter?" " No, of course not." "Sit down." " Thanks." "Oh, will you have a drink?" " Yes, thanks." "Mr Alderson." " Huh?" "Oh." "How do?" "Well, I'll help Aunt Lucy with the, erm... in the kitchen." "Shan't be a minute." " Right." "How are you, then, Mr Alderson?" " I'm not so bad, thank you." "Yorkshire won, I see." " Eh?" "Cricket." " Damn wastrels." "It's a pity they've nowt better to do with their time than to run around a field, isn't it?" "Right." "Actually, I did want a word." " Oh, aye." "About Helen and me." " Oh, aye." "She's started and there's summat wrong." "You've got your bag in t'car?" "Yes, of course." " Come on, lad." "It's my Candy!" "Right, Mr Herriot, everything's ready." "Thanks, Bert." " There you are." "Have you felt inside?" " Aye." "But there's nowt there." "No head, no legs, no nowt." "Not much room, neither." " Right." "Oh, thanks, Bert." "Thank you." "All right, give me a hand here, will you?" "That's the fastest I've seen." "All right?" " She had a twisted calf bed." "But he soon put her right." "It went fast in t'end." "What is it she's got?" " Another heifer." "Picture of her mother." "Beautiful." "Another one for him to pet." " Hm-hm." "Are you ready for some supper?" " I'm ravenous." "Right." "You come with me, young lady." "We'll leave these men to it." "Here you are, lad." "Now thee get this in on outside o' tha'." "Drop of the proper stuff is this." "Mm." "Ah!" "What are you going to call this one?" "Oh, Dandy, happen?" "Mr Alderson, I'd like to marry your daughter." "It's still muggy outside, in't it?" "A week of good weather'd be grand for haymaking." "James, I'll tell thee summat." "I had a wife in a thousand." "She were the grandest lass for miles round here." "And the bonniest." "Nobody ever thought she'd take up with a fella like me, you know." "She did." "Oh, aye." "Aye, she did that." "Lots of others wanted to throw their cap through t'door..." "Well?" "I've seen him to bed - drunk." "Too much scotch and nostalgia." "Did you ask him?" " Yes." "Did he say yes?" " No." "Well, what did he say?" "He talked a lot about your mother and what a wonderful woman she was." "She sounds a lot like you." "James..." "James, is everything going to be all right?" "Oh, yes." "James, what is that smell?" " Don't ask me." "It's a very long story and when I see Tristan, I'll kill him."