"Welcome, everyone, to Big Dinner, where the news is big, and the dinner is regular size." "Not to be confused with Big Supper, where we eat dinner and we watch the movie Big." "The movie about a grown woman" " who has sex with a little boy?" " What?" " She didn't know." " SCHMIDT:" "Tonight we gather to celebrate Jess and I's final weekend inside the chrysalis of professional mediocrity before Monday, when we burst forth in fully pupated positions." " Director of..." " Principal Day." "Non-Television, Non-Radio West Coast Marketing." "And Principal Day." "Sorry." "I should have waited till the end." " What's "pupatated"?" " SCHMIDT:" "Okay." "It's time for the rites of passage." "Ding, ding, ding." "I have some Big Dinner news of my own." "Winston, sit down!" "The topics for Big Dinner have already been decided." "As you all know, Aly and I have recently become engaged." "(whistling, applause)" "I receive all that love, and then I give it right back." " Anyway, as we were saying..." " I got to finish this." "It's really important." "In order to get married," "I have commenced divorce proceedings..." " with my wife..." " Rhonda, yeah." " Rhonda." " Ding, ding, ding, ding." "Real quick." "I hate Rhonda." "(growls):" "Hey, that's my wife!" " Such a good Harrison Ford." " Who you married as a prank." "Which, for the record, no one gets." " NICK:" "Ding, ding, ding, ding." " What the hell is going on here?" "If everybody's jumping in, I'm gonna jump in." "Reagan says my room looks stupid," " like a teenager lives there." " She's correct." "No one's authorized to ding, ding, ding except for Schmidt and I." "And you you're not supposed to say "ding, ding, ding"" " when you ding, ding, ding." " SCHMIDT:" "Guys, please." "These are all common topics." "This is why I proposed Common Lunch," " but nobody showed up." " Don't yell at us 'cause you guys are freaking out about your new jobs." "I am not freaking out." "I have been preparing for this job ever since I was young enough to believe" "(chuckles):" "leprechauns were real." "Leprechauns are real." " Yeah, I caught one." " He caught one." "We're not having the freaking leprechaun debate right now;" " we'll be here for hours." " Leprechauns are real." "Now, it's time for the rites of passage." " Finally." " ("Pomp and Circumstance" plays)" " Oh." " Schmidt," "I present to you... new set of business cards." " All right." " So proud of you." "Okay." "That took a lot less time than I thought it would." "All right." "And now the donning of the principal's blazer." "Oh, the principal's blazer." "I remember when you got that ten years ago and promised you would never wear it till you were actually principal." " Principal Day." " (applause)" " You okay?" " I don't think it fits." " No, no, you look great." " Everything looks perfect to me." " Looks great." " Are you okay, honey?" "I'm okay." "(sewing machine whirring)" "It's the middle of the night." "Yeah, just making a few, uh, minor adjustments." "Have you seen my scissors?" "Never mind." "I have 32 seam rippers right here." "Are you okay?" "(chuckles)" "It's gonna be fine." "♪ ♪" "Hey, Schmidt." "Can I get a second opinion on something?" "Oh, about your room?" "Reagan's right." "You need to redecorate." "It looks like you live in an abandoned day care." "(chuckles):" "That is not what an abandoned day care looks like." "You can trust me." "Hello?" "Can I take a nap now?" "Okay, we need to talk about that a lot more later." "I'm worried about Jess." "I think she is freaking out about work and she's channeling all of it into her blazer." "She's got a real "cat in a bathtub" vibe." "Hey, guys!" "I'm just blasting some Jock Jams, getting my fashion on!" "What's the problem?" "This is Jess at a six." " SCHMIDT:" "Sorry there, Jess." " JESS:" "Mm-hmm." "Nick here says you're freaking out." "What's going on, girl?" "I am so good." "I am "saw" good." "I am so "gawd."" "So "gawd."" "We can't let her go to work on Monday like that." "Remember what I used to do for you in college when you'd get nervous about exams?" "What did I do for you?" "What was that thing called?" " Boy ride!" " Rumspringa!" " What?" " Rumspringa." "I said "Rumspringa."" " So did I." " No, you said "boy ride."" " No, I said "Rumspringa."" " What's a boy ride, dude?" "Rumspringa, boy ride." "Boy ride saved my life." "I would be freaking out, and you would take me on these wild adventures." "Bio exam?" " Casino time." " (chuckles) Yeah." "Intro to environmental feminism?" " I remember." " Corn maze." "That was the day we found out that corn is maize." "(imitates explosion)" "Do we take Jess on a little Rumspringa?" "CECE:" "Can you just give me, like, a five-minute warning before Rhonda gets here?" "I'd like to be... not here." "Look, Rhonda shows up when Rhonda shows up." "I know." "That's the problem." "There's nothing I hate more than women talking about their rings in a high-pitched voice," "(high-pitched): but, oh, my God, I love my ring so much!" " I love it!" " Aw." "I love that ring on your finger." "I just want to bite it off and swallow it, and then digest it properly." "And then give it back to you in a day and a half." "Oh, my God, I think I'm gonna cry." "You guys have such a weird dynamic." " (both chuckle)" " RHONDA:" "Hello, Winston." "Hey, Rhonda." "You wanted to sign the divorce papers, and-and I thought this was... this was a good a time as any." "But I know it's a shock, but... meet your son." "Oh, my God." "Um..." "(chuckles)" "Now, you listen to me, baby." "(chuckles)" "My father walked out on me, and I swear..." "I will never do that to you." "That's so sweet." "(whispering):" "You just got Rhonda'd." "Rhonda'd." " (chuckles) - (snickers)" " No..." " Oh, my God!" "Did you just prank me with a baby?" "(laughing):" "A human baby." "What the hell?" "That is amazing!" " Oh, my God." " Oh, I can feel my heartbeat through the back of my head!" "You just took years off my life!" "You are the master!" "Where'd that baby come from?" " Oh, he came from Dave." " Who's Dave?" "Hi-yo!" "Dave, take a bow." "Thank you." "Uh, thank you." "RHONDA:" "This is my cousin." "I'm staying with him while I'm in town." "So he's your baby?" "(chuckles):" "Oh, no." "I'm an obstetrician." "I just borrowed this little guy." "(laughter)" "Rhonda, I'm Aly, Winston's fiancée." "It's so nice to meet you, I think." "All of us are coming down from this a little too quickly, 'cause what that guy did is a felony." "Congrats on your engagement." " WINSTON:" "Thank you." " No one cares." "But you can't do it without... these." "Thank God." "They 'bout to be "soined"!" "(sighs)" "The end to one of my best pranks." " Oh, this feels good. (Winston laughs)" " Yeah." "That's it." " That's it." " All right." "Well, I better go." "I really hope you two are happy." "No prank." "So until we cross paths again... ♪ A-ba-da-ba, ba-da-ba. ♪" " Rhonda!" " (nervous laugh)" "Rhonda. (laughs)" " She's a lot." " Understatement of the year." "She is, but, you know, the good news is, is we never, ever have to see her again." "Son of a bi..." "She used disappearing ink." "What?" "Girl pranked us." "I'm not doing anything!" " NICK:" "Uh..." " I'm going to bed soon!" " Okay." " I also know that my jacket has three sleeves." "Wait a minute, when did I add a fourth sleeve?" "Did you guys see me add a fourth arm?" "!" " Why am I freaking out?" "!" " First day jitters, Jess." "It's totally normal, and we have the answer." " Rumspringa." " Boy ride." "Rumspringa is a hallowed Amish tradition, not a one-day buddy comedy." "Second of all," "I don't want to go to a casino or a sexual petting zoo." "That is why we are taking you to the old-timey Danish town oddly located in California's wine country." " Solvang!" " Solvang!" "NICK:" "It's a craft fair!" "You love craft fairs." "JESS:" "Candy apples, windmills, no minorities." "Great Rumspringa, guys!" "I'm gonna hit the road." "I need to work on my blazer." "Well, I paid for all-day parking, so you're out of your mind if you think we're leaving now." "Jess, resistance is the classic first stage." "Just enjoy this!" "It's so cool." "Look at this sign." "Look at this sign." ""When did it become a crime to rhyme all the time?" (laughs)" "So true. (chuckles) And it's really funny." "Somebody just thought of that." "Do you think a teenager would hang this on his wall?" " No." " I don't either." "I just got a vision for my room." "Excuse me." "Okay, I got to go home, and I got to work on my morning announcement voice." "(softly): "My morning announcement voice."" "(cheerily): "My morning announcement voice."" "I think the last one was close." "I really think you're overthinking this." "Just do what I do... exude confidence all the time." "But you're the boss now." "You... you can't skate by on confidence alone." " Who says I can't?" " Well, I couldn't get away with it." "I'd always be worried that someone would figure out" "I didn't know what I was doing." "I'd be terrified as hell." "Nah." "I'm good." " I'm so good." " Well, I'm not." "I have to go home and work on my blazer." " So I found a bus ticket back..." " Well, hold on." "I think there's somebody that you would like to meet, Jess." "MAN:" "Greetings, yon settlers three!" "Are there folksy, old-timey reenactors here?" "'Cause that would be, like, a total freaking game changer." "I am one of the founders of this town of Solvang," "Professor P.P. Hornsyld." "Is this really what you're into?" "And so begins phase two, enjoyment." " At your service." " I have 87 questions for you." "When were you born?" "When did you die?" "Where were you born?" "Where did you die?" "Are you a spirit?" "What do you think of the modern era?" "What do you think of technology?" "Perhaps you'd like to try some aquavit, a traditional drink from the motherland." "Perhaps you will enjoy its humors more than you enjoy peppering me with this endless barrage of questions." " (laughs) - (chuckles)" "(laughs)" "I can't believe you fell for the disappearing ink trick!" "Ah, ha, ha!" "That was Rhonda, that was Rhonda." "Rhonda?" "Grow up, stop acting like Dennis the freaking Menace, and sign the papers." "The pranks stop right now." " I just wish I could've seen your face." " You are being a turd." "Aly hates pranks." " What?" " Yeah." " Like a normal person." " No disrespect, Aly, but that's basic." " Okay." " That's very disrespectful." "Winston, I'm worried about you marrying her." "Here's a prank." "I'm, I'm gon..." " I'm gonna kick you in the head." " See, that's not a prank." "See?" " Winston, I'm worried." " Stop being... a turd!" "Now we're never getting a divorce!" " You're a crazy person." " It's just gonna be pranks for life!" " What?" " Pranks at 50, pranks at 60," " Aly, ignore her." " pranks at 80." " Pranks in the nursing home." " We'll figure something out." "Hey, you're small." " What?" " I'm looking for somebody small for a prank I'm cooking up." "(exhales)" "Actually, I could use all of you." "WINSTON:" "Okay, look." "Rhonda, yeah." "This won't work." "Aly, you don't have to do this." "RHONDA:" "If you do this for me," "I'll give you your divorce." "If this is what I have to do to marry you, then..." "Rhonda, the three of us will do your prank." "CECE:" "Wait, what?" "I have in no way consented to this." "Gonna do a group Rhonda!" "That's awesome." "Uh, how do you feel about having a bunch of jelly on your head?" "Not good, Rhonda." " Hey, Jess." " Mm." " Could you make a pillow out of this?" " You know damn well" "I could make a pillow out of anything." "Definite buy, bro." "Aquavit me." "I'm thinking of making a throw pillow for my room." "Uh, teenagers don't have throw pillows, right?" "Whoa." "Why you packing up?" "It's only 4:30." "Yeah, it's Sunday." "Everything around here closes pretty early." " Sundays." " I'm just getting my rum sprung!" " Stinks." " What am I gonna do, Nick?" " I don't..." " Nick," "I don't think I'm ready for this new job." "I'm freaking out." "And there's not enough aebleskivers in this whole place to soothe me." "It's not over." "Give me a second." "Give me a second." "I think I know how to keep this party going just a little bit longer." "_" "Welcome to the distillery." "I'm gonna, uh, make sure that, that's okay." "Oh, you know what?" "It's, um, it's probably just an old-timey Danish door." "You just need to jiggle the, um, the dorhandtag." "Yeah." "I'm doing that." "Maybe there's another door." "(jiggling door knob)" " No, that's it." " Are we trapped?" "Wiggle the dorhandtag!" " It won't budge!" "It's locked!" " I'll make a call!" " Oh, my God." " And there's no service!" "Let us out!" "We have a big day tomorrow, we need to pupate." "They don't know what that means." "Say something more accessible." " Help!" " They have Wi-Fi." " (Jess and Schmidt yelling)" " But I don't know the password!" "I'm on a real roller coaster of emotions right now." "Just slamming up and crashing down!" "JESS:" "Come on, help us, Danes!" "Unlike in World War II!" "Yeah, I brought it up!" " Darn it!" " What are we gonna do?" "We've been stuck in here for over an hour!" "Okay, yes." "Our bodies are trapped in this cellar, but our minds can go anywhere." "We have to start new jobs tomorrow." "Don't you know who I am?" "I'm the director of marketing for Associated Strategies!" "Hey, Schmidt." "It seems like you might need a Rumspringa." "Want to go to a casino?" " Pick a number." "Any number, kiddo." " What?" " Pick a number." " I don't understand this..." " 23." " That's wrong." " Fun, though, huh?" " How am I wrong?" " Was it 19?" " It was..." "He doesn't need a Rumspringa!" "He needs to get out of this cellar." "I think you're looking at it wrong." "There's still so much fun to be had in here." "For example, in three minutes, a bird is gonna pop out of that clock." " A bird?" " Just gonna pop its head out." " Why wait?" " What do you mean, why..." " (cuckoo clock chiming)" " Son of a..." "Look, there." "I got the bird." "Isn't this fun?" "I told you I didn't want a Rumspringa." "This might've worked when you were 20, but we're adults now, and you can't handle adult problems by forgetting about them." "You're right." "Maybe I handle my problems like a child." "Maybe I decorate my room like a child." "I mean, I even undress like a child." "(grunting)" "Do you think that's what Reagan was getting at about my room?" "Yeah." "Do you think Reagan thinks I'm a child?" " Mm-hmm." " Okay, now I'm freaking out!" "And I'm usually the rock of this group." "Once you lose old Nicky Miller, the whole thing falls apart." "WINSTON:" "Aah." "Aah, okay." " CECE:" "She's gonna pop!" " How far apart are the contractions?" " Who's asking?" " I don't know." "Let's take a look." "(screams)" "Wah." "I'm a baby." " Oh!" " I'm, I'm... coming out." " Uh-uh." " I, I know." "I'm rattled, too." "You just got Rhonda'd!" "That's for not coming to the family reunion." "I'm so sorry." "We got Rhonda'd." "Uh, Dave?" "Hello." "I, for one, would like to say I'm sorry." "Did not want to participate in this at all." "(Rhonda and Dave laugh)" "DAVE:" "You're crazy." " You got me good!" " Oh, God." "W-what's happening?" "My, my skin..." " it's burning." " What?" "What's going on?" " The goop, it's burning my skin." " What?" "Do something." "My skin's burning, you guys." " What?" "Baby, baby, you okay?" " What did you put on me?" "What did you do to her, Rhonda?" "!" " Ow!" " She didn't want the jelly, so I used a porcine birthing agent." " What is that?" "!" " I..." "I..." "Well, it's burning!" " Oh, my God!" " I'm so sorry." " You're sorry?" "!" " I..." "You should be... because, baby doll, you just got Aly'd." " Oh!" " Oh!" "Ooh!" "How you like that, Rhonda?" " Who's basic now?" " What?" " Oh, my God." " Oh!" "WINSTON:" "Oh, my God," "I thought you were about to die." "My heart..." " She good." " I died." "How could you... do something... so amazing?" "!" "(Rhonda shouts)" "Just kind of thought of it on the spot." "Oh, now, not only will you get a divorce, you have my blessing." "Put your hands away." "Nobody's asking for it." "We don't need that." "(broken clock whirring)" "JESS:" "Well... it's 4:00 a.m." "It's official." "I'm missing my first day as principal." "Got a fresh toilet for you guys. (clears throat)" " Ration them." " Guys, don't give up hope." "Well, I'm fine being trapped." "I don't want to go to work." "Look, we're gonna get out of here, and when we do," "I'm gonna start..." "I'm gonna start growing up." "You have grown up, Nick." "I mean, you own a bar." "You wrote a novel." "I'm talking about really growing up." "There's still so much I want to do, like..." " I want to try cilantro." " (Schmidt urinating)" "You haven't tried cilantro?" "I want to figure out what NASDAQ means." "You've never had salsa?" "I want to not shimmy out of my pants." "Feels good being empty." "I'm sorry I kidnapped you, Jess." "I just hated to see you with first-day jitters." "What is wrong with me?" "I've been preparing for this job my entire life." "I mean... maybe this'll help." "A bottle of champagne. (laughs)" "A toast to the new principal, right?" "Should we?" "Is that a bottle of Krug Clos d'Camaret-du-sur Mer?" "Yeah, it absolutely is a bottle of "Klus Clos de Saminaire."" "Little known fact about the late '90s Krug Clos d'Camaret-sur-Mer." "According to my father, they have very strong wire around the cork." "Well, that anecdote's ready to go." "Uncork it, Nick." "Go, go, go." "Look at that." "It's like a key." "Almost exactly like a key." " Uh-huh, yep." " (wire jiggling)" "Okay." "(latch clicks)" " I did it!" " Oh." "I didn't even need to prepare for it." "When Schmidt's back is up against the wall," "Schmidt shows up because I have confidence and skill." "Yeah, yeah, finish your epiphany on the way." " We got to go." "We got to go." " Let's go to Ass Strat." "Okay, two more hours before... morning announcements." "I think we can still make it if we take zero pee or snack breaks." "Don't worry, I have five toilets." "I'm still too drunk." "I can't drive." "All right, drunk check." " Drunk." " Drunk." "All:" "Crap!" "I'm sure glad we exchanged numbers yesterday." " Really worked out, huh?" " Yeah." "So, you guys can really get me on The Price Is Right." " Ja." " Drew is a good friend." "Road trip!" " Boy ride!" "Boy ride!" " Boy ride!" " (laughing):" "Oh." " Please, can we just go?" "The divorce papers are finalized." "Good news." "There's no way this could be disappearing ink, right?" "Well, I mean, the longest disappearing ink on record is only 42 minutes, so..." " no, we're good." " Great." "I actually had a good time pranking Rhonda." "No, not you, too." "Please." "I mean it." "I think we can kind of... get into this as a couple." "We'll prank," " have some sex..." " Mm... prank people, have some more sex, pet the cat." "I'm okay with that life." "I don't understand how any human being could enjoy it." "Well, because we are pranks, don't you see?" " Huh?" " In the Bible," "God created light and dark." "And then separated the heavens from the oceans." "Then created plants, then animals." "And the animals, they thought they had all this cool stuff to themselves, but then God pranked the animals with us." "And it was good." " (whispering):" "That was so sexy." " Mm-hmm." " That was so sexy." " WINSTON:" "I know it was." "Mm-hmm." "You like that?" " I didn't know you knew all that." " Mm-hmm." "Trick's on me, that's for sure." "What?" "Why are there adoption papers in here?" " Hmm?" " What?" "There are adoption papers in here." "What?" "Let me see this." "Oh, holy hell," "Rhonda adopted Aly..." " What?" " ...in Liberia." "In Liberia?" " No, no, this doesn't make any sense." " (groaning lightly)" ""Dear Aly, please accept" ""these divorce papers as an engagement gift" ""from Mom."" "Ew." "She said "Mom"?" "I mean, I guess that's a good prank." "You're my stepdad?" "I'm so confused by what qualifies," "I honestly can't weigh in." "I hate my Liberian mom." " Come here." " Okay, Winston." " Uh-oh." " Not now." " That's so crazy." "Let's just..." " Winston." " Okay." " Not now." "JESS:" "We made it," " and I didn't puke in the car." " (tires screech)" "Can we offer you any money for the bus ride home?" " What about The Price Is Right?" " We lied." "We have no connection to The Price Is Right." "Nobody knows Drew." "He-he's a hermit." "You watched me call my mom." "How about $300 to get out of the car?" " It's a good deal." " Shut up." "All right, as soon as you step out of this car, Jess, you're gonna be a principal." "It's... holiday." "School's closed." " Why are all the kids going in?" " Yeah." "If it's... if the school is closed, why are all these little kids going in?" " I agree." " No, I'm asking you." "We should just go." "What are you talking about, Jess?" "It's..." "Get out there, you're gonna be late." "Schmidt, can I get a..." "a minute alone with Jess?" "Would you please take the pee bottles with you?" "Sure." "A grown man standing around a bunch of ten-year-olds, holding bottles of his own urine." "What could go wrong?" "Well, I think I know what's going on with you, Jess." "I mean, you've always been on this path, and now that you're at the end of it, and you've reached the goal, you know, it's a little scary." "Yeah, it's pretty stupid, huh?" "No, I don't think it's stupid." "And as a guy who has never had a path like that," "I'm personally really excited to see what happens next." "You know what?" "I'm gonna get out of this car... and I'm gonna go be principal." "Oh." "I forgot my blazer." "Way ahead of you, Jess." "Oh." "But you were gonna make a pillow out of that." "Ah, it won't fit in my room." "It's not a good style for me." " (chuckles)" " It looks great on you." "Thanks, it fits perfectly." "And, Nick," "I..." "I like your room the way it is." "It already has a style." "It's you." "Okay, get to class kids." "Only five minutes till..." "morning announcements." "Go get 'em, Principal Day!" "Morning announcements." "Morning announcements." "Nailed it." "Morning announcements." "Morning..."