"You can put your dials back in the seat pockets, thanks." "Yeah, just stick them back in the pockets." "You won't need them anymore." "We're just gonna talk about the show you just saw." "I want to start by talking about what you didn't like." "Who's got something they didn't like?" "Yes?" "Sir." "Well, first, on the whole," "I thought it was terrific." "Much better than it's been in recent years." "Where there something you didn't like?" "Commedia dell'arte." "I wasn't wild about the comedy arts..." "Commedia dell'arte." "...where the girl played the pantaloon bassoon." "Pantalone bisognosi." "Knock it off." "The French clown?" "Italian!" "Commedia dell'arte is Italian." "Who cares?" "He didn't like it." "He didn't get it." "No problem then." "Just give America a tutorial in 15th century Restoration comedy before each show." "17th century, and Restoration comedy is English." "And what's the guy doing starting off with "tell me what you didn't like"?" "He's a professional." "Can I ask, are you troubled at all about the spectacular lack of success these things have had at predicting success?" "That's not true." "They blew All in the Family, they blew Seinfeld, they blew Hill Street Blues." "Look at the data on ER." "Clooney broke the needle." "Yeah, I need a damn focus group to tell me Clooney's good looking." "There's important information in this data that needs to get to Matt and Danny." "Can I also say that L.A. focus groups are the most useless?" "Listen to them." "Those are unemployed writers and directors in there who are trying to impress me 'cause they know I'm standing back here." "They're unemployed for a reason and they'll stay unemployed, even if they could properly place commedia dell'arte in 17th century Italy." "There's no other television network at which this conversation is taking place." "I know." "This focus group data from New York, Atlanta," "Columbus, Seattle and Phoenix." "You will find it identical to the data being gathered in there right now." "And?" "I want it to get to Matt and Danny." "That we're paying people $40 and a sandwich to tell us how to do our jobs?" "Get off my back, would you?" "The tests are great, they love the first show." "88% in the top two boxes." "Christian right's gonna amp up the heat, but at least we got bullets in our gun with the sponsors and affiliates." "Then what's the problem?" "Look at page seven at the bottom." ""Is Studio 60 patriotic or unpatriotic?"" "Split 50-50 right down party lines." "I don't believe it." "You're surprised?" "No, I don't believe that we asked the question." "I don't believe that we asked the question, and I don't believe we only gave them those two choices for an answer, and since when did Democrat or Republican become a demographic distinction we care about in the entertainment industry?" "Since the first plane made a left turn and gunned its engines into the North Tower, kitten." "I just want to make sure that the guys remember it's still an extremely polarized country they're writing for." "They remember." "They remember from the first time they got the hell beaten out of them." "But I'll take this to them." "Make sure they understand it." "Yeah." "Good." "Then we're done." "What are you staring at?" "My mug shot." "I've been meaning to ask, how do you like the job so far?" "La "Studio Six-Team" :" "Boscof@n, Rom1_333, Titus Pullo, Dryosia, TheAma1, Macpantouf, Garyperso06, ny_stuf" "Welcome to "Science Schmience"" "Monday the game show that tests our players willingness to stand by what they believe to be true in the face of irrefutable scientific evidence to the contrary." "Today's contestants are Schlomo Levy, a member of the ultra- orthodox Meir Kahane Followers;" "Mufti Mohammed, from the Taliban-controlled border region of Afghanistan;" "Cora Rae Barker, a junior from Liberty Bible College in Lynchburg, Virginia;" "Tom Cruise and a witch." "And there'll be animation on top of this." "And find out if Liberty Bible College..." "I don't think it's "Bible,"" "I think I'm getting that wrong," "I think it's just Liberty College or University." "You've got to have "Bible" in there." "I don't want anything in the sketch that's even a little bit wrong." "If it's not Liberty Bible College, find a sketch that has "Bible" in it." "I mean, find a college that has "Bible" in it." "Go ahead." "From the top?" "No, just keep going." "Our categories today are World History," "Anthropology," "Meteorology, Geology and Psychiatry." "We've got the boards lighting, we've got sound." "Change "Psychiatry"" "to "Medicine."" "You're gonna get a laugh on "Psychiatry."" "It'll be the last laugh we get on that, 'cause if Tom Cruise is up there," "I already got the joke." "Not necessarily with my Tom Cruise." "How's it coming?" "I can do Ben Stiller and Ben Stiller can do Cruise, so..." "Let me see your Ben Stiller." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." "'Kay." "I don't know..." "I don't know, Jack." "Okay, let me see Tom Cruise." "You know, I'm a, uh... very, very, very... very physical actor." "Whoo!" "Your Tom Cruise will get better?" "Yes, sir." "M atthew." "Yes." "I can do the whole thing as Holly Hunter if you want." "I don't." "Would you like it if I spent the rest of the day talking to you like Holly Hunter?" "*" "Not at all." "It's hard for me to advise you since you personify something I truly think is dangerous.*" "Stop it, now." "Can we get her a witch's hat that isn't two sizes too big?" "This is how we're wearing them today." "Tom?" "Our first category is Anthropology." "Cora Rae, this question's for you." "The earliest evidence of man can be dated back to this time." "6,000 years ago when God breathed into a handful of dust and created Adam, Eve and the Garden of Eden." "You understand that archeologists are in possession of a three-million-year-old human skull found near Johannesburg which would put your answer off by 2,994,000 years." "Do you stand by it?" "Archeologists can be wrong." "You be they can." "Audience?" "Science Schmience!" "And they'll be good and warmed up by then." "Yeah, give me a good look at the first six center rows." "No T-shirts with writing, nothing that's gonna pull focus." "Tom." "Schlomo, how old is the earth?" "I refuse to answer that question until the gentile girl covers her arms, which are an abomination." "I agree with the Jew." "And according to Sharia law," "I could cut off the witch's fingers for wearing nail polish." "Reasonable positions, both of you, but let's stick to our game." "Schlomo, the first evidence of man." "Abraham, who lived to 175." "175." "That's right." "Noah lived to 600." "600 years is a pretty long time for a human." "That would be a record by quite some margin." "What say you to the anthropologists who tell us that early Homosapiens had a life expectancy of 17 years?" "Well, let me ask you this." "Were they there?" "Well, argued, sir." "Audience?" "Science Schmience!" "Okay..." "What the hell?" " We lost power." "You think?" "Harriet, you say a word, any word at all about God not liking to be mocked..." "You know what, I think you're the devil.*" "And that's lunch." "Back in an hour." "It was eight years ago." "I was driving back to the city from Sag Harbor in the middle of the night and I couldn't find the entrance to the Long Island expressway." "Saw a police car, I pulled over to ask directions, the guy gave me a Breathalyzer." "You think if I'd known I was over the legal limit I'd have pulled over and presented myself to law enforcement?" "It's not like I was partying." "So where were you coming from?" "A party." "Yeah." "How did it get out, Shelly?" "Somebody had the time and the resources to do a background check?" "It doesn't take a lot of time or a lot of resources." "Yeah, it does." "I don't have a record." "The judge gave me a DEJ, that's a deferred entry of judgment." "I complete an alcohol diversion program and the court dismisses the charge-- it's not part of my record, it doesn't exist." "Does now." "How did they get it?" "The same way you got Danny Tripp's drug test." "Disgruntled ex-boyfriend, a co-worker, they don't even have to be disgruntled." "The cop who booked you recognizes your picture, someone else in your alcohol diversion." "You'd be amazed what $500 can buy." "So now you know." "Thieves get rich and saints get shot and God don't answer prayers a lot." "Where did we get these candles from?" "PAs ran out to the store." "Did they go to the Phantom of the Opera House of Crap?" "They went to Magicopolis." "It's a magic store." "It's down the street." "How are our two new anchors?" "I'm scared out of my mind." "Well, you should be." "News 60 has been the centerpiece of the show for 20 years." "Makes or breaks stars and the show lives or dies with its success or failure." "Plus, Simon, you're the first black anchor we've ever had." "I meant I was scared of the dark, but now it's what you just said." "Nah, pairing you two was a good idea." "We're building a fresh set, too." "Do you know where Matt and Danny are?" "Upstairs probably." "Tom's gonna work with you a while, then Ron and I'll come in, then we'll show it Matt who'll throw everything out and start again." "We figured." "Upstairs you think?" "Yeah." "Thank you." "Be funny." "Yeah, okay." "Matt..." "Well, we need to find out why this is happening." "Yep." "Electricity plays a pretty big role in what we're trying to do." "Matt, you really think it's a good idea to have Tom overseeing the writing on the news?" "Yes." "I'm sorry?" "Yes, I think it's wise." "'Cause it's what we usually do." "Yeah." "We can do it for Simon and Harry, too." "No, you can't." "You think there's any chance you might come down off your horse and stop being pissed at us for something that happened four years ago and work with us?" "Not a big chance, no." "You want us to quit?" "Badly." "You think it's gonna happen?" "Not a big chance, no." "You need to see me?" "And Danny." "He's meeting us here." "What's in your hand?" "We'll wait till Danny gets here." "We could have a damn séance in this room." "Here we go." "This is from Saturday's Times." ""Four people in Ealing, Missouri objected strongly to the local high school's recent production of Grease." Why?" "Because Rizzo sneaks out the window at Frenchy's slumber party to go off with Kinickie." "Leave it alone." "No, 'cause here's where it gets good." "As a result of the controversy the school's superintendent has canceled their planned spring production of The Crucible." "Why?" "It casts Christians in a bad light." "Yeah, Salem wasn't our finest hour." "They're replacing it with A Midsummer Night's Dream." "Have they read A Midsummer Night's Dream?" "Everybody swaps partners with everybody including a man who metamorphosed into a donkey." "Can we leave it alone?" "No." "Please?" "There's a lot of comedy here, Harry." "I understand that." "But we're already doing Science Schmience a week after we did Crazy Christians, so maybe..." "Here it is." "You do the intro." "Ealing High School in Ealing, Missouri after blah, blah, blah has canceled their planned spring production of Arthur Miller's" "The Crucible saying it casts Christians in a bad light and replaced it with Shakespeare's immortal romantic comedy A Midsummer Night's Dream." "Other plays that were considered and discarded include Damn Yankees for its comedic portrayal of the devil," "Bye Bye Birdiefor its Elvis-likerock star gyrations..." "And, uh, and a, uh a stage adaptation of the film AstroGlide Asses, for its depiction of homosexuals sodomizing each other on crystal meth." "Yeah!" "Beat me, daddy, eight to the bar." "Oh, brother." "Top it." "I don't have to." "God loves me and hates the both of you." "Prove it." "Okay, seriously, I'm scared out of my mind." "Yeah, that s strange." "All right, moving on." "Cal's guys are trying to figure out what's going on." "Good, 'cause everything we do here plugs into a socket." "Jack Rudolph asked us to speak to you to relay some information." "What are you talking about?" "This is focus-group data on last week's show." "Get it out of here!" "Look..." "Get it out of here, Ricky." "You had to know they were going to focus it." "They can focus it all they want, but they can't make me care, so get it out of here." "Danny..." "Get it out of here!" "This thing's going to get around, the cast is going to see it." "Everybody's going to lose their brains." "What the hell are you doing being the go-between for Jack and the show?" "I was doing as I was told." "You work for me." "Excuse me, Danny, but you don't sign my paycheck, the network does." "Mine, too." "Damn, Ron," "I didn't even know you were here." "Listen to me before..." "Get it out of here!" "It's all good, okay?" "It's incredibly good." "88% in the top two boxes-- there was only one thing Jack wanted you guys to see." "One thing." "They were asked-- and this is five different samples, by the way, from all over the country." "They were asked if the show was patriotic or unpatriotic, and Jack wanted you to see the results." "They were what?" "There were asked if it was patriotic or unpatriotic?" "Yeah." "It's a television show." "It's not the Iwo Jima Memorial." "Those were the only two choices they were given?" "Jack wanted you to see the results." "Get it out of here!" "I don't want the cast to see it, the staff, the crew, the critics and mostly," "I don't want him to see it." "All right." "No." "What?" "I want to see it." "Page seven at the bottom." "What'd you expect it to say?" "Hmm?" "What did you expect it to say?" "This." "I expected it to say this." "So what do you care?" "I care because Jack put the question in." "Not sales, not marketing, not whatever focus company they use." "Viewer Strategies." "Not Viewer Strategies, it was Jack telling me I'm not American enough." "Actually, it was 50% of respondents telling you you're not American enough." " Throw it out." " They want to see my passport?" "They want to see you take fewer whacks at Bush, and it looks like they're getting their wish, so throw it out." "It's four years ago all over again." "What did you think it was going to be?" "Four years later." "And by the way, I'd be happy to take shots at the Democrats, too, if only one of them would say or do something." "Can I make a suggestion?" "What?" "Throw it out." "I'm going back to work." "Good." "Wait." "What?" "What'd you mean by," ""It looks like they're getting their wish?"" "To see the show not take so many shots." "They're getting their wish?" "Looking at your board," "I see one political sketch." "Yeah?" " 12:55." " Yeah?" " The "Dump the Garbage" slot." " What are you saying?" " Not saying anything." " Okay." "It's just I can't remember sometimes." "Are you a boy pussycat or a girl pussycat?" " What the hell...?" " You're a boy pussycat." "Look." "You're a pussy-boy." "'Cause I put a Bush sketch at 12:55?" "Yeah." "You know what else started in the 12:55? "Wayne's World."" "Good for them." "You think..." "That you're a pussy boy?" "Ricky and Rod said you rejected every Bush sketch that got pitched last week." "They weren't funny." "They would have been after you got done with them." "You think I'm gun-shy?" "I think four years ago your career flash in front of your eyes." "I did." "And?" "It wasn't an easy career to come by." "Danny?" "Yeah?" "Cal says he's got some word on the power outages and the stage wants to know when you want the cast back." "I'll talk to Cal, and 30 minutes for the cast." "You need anything?" "Matt?" "Move the Rumsfeld sketch to the first half hour get me the staff, a copy of every newspaper and a transcript of this morning's White Houspress briefing, please." "Yeah." "You know what they do in Ealing, Missouri?" "I know they don't do The Crucible." "Yeah, they don't appreciate Arthur Miller, Sim." "Let's go get 'em." "Look..." "Bread." "They make bread." "It's a company town." "There's a Hanover factory there." "They make, slice, package and ship bread." "Jean-o." " Listen..." " Hang on." ""Under proposed legislation, hunters in Wyoming can now carry automatic weapons and guns with silencers" to hunt bears." "When asked to comment, a bear said, "Roar!"" "I can be funny while I'm doing it." "No, you can't, and we're not going to Matt with "and the bear said, 'Roar.'"" "Roseanne Barr is releasing an album for children." "I flatlined." "What?" "I flatlined in the focus group." "How do you know?" "Ricky and Ron gave me the dial groups." "Man!" "It's all good." "And they're crazy about everybody, but "Commedia Dell'arte" flatlined and that was my only sketch last week." "You can't look at it." "Well, too late." "It's a great charaer." "Not according to the people watching it, but the point is, I guess, that I'm the one who convinced Matt to do it" "I pitched it," "I wrote the first draft," "Jeanie... and I told him it wasn't going to be ha-ha funny, but I did say that it was going to be funny and he believed me." "Did it actually flatline or are you just...?" "I look like an idiot and I made him look like an idiot." ""Didn't get it."" "Yeah." ""Boring."" "There's a word the networks like to hear." ""Too smart."" "That's another word for boring." ""Smart" as a pejorative." "Look at the dials." "She flatlined, except for one guy in St. Louis and one guy in Atlanta." "Well, I'll have plenty of time to personally perform it for both of them in their living rooms." "You can't look at it." "It's not the fault of the focus data, Simon." "You got to catch the ball when you ask for it." "You make more than your share of catches around here." "Damn it!" "I don't know what to tell you guys." "Either God's a little sweet on me today, he doesn't like Simon at all, or Jeanie, he disapproves of you sleeping with my ex-boyfriend." "Harry..." "She's kidding." "I am, baby." "It's 'cause he doesn't like Simon at all." "Cal!" "Yeah?" "!" "What the hell?" "Well, here's the story, Danny." "Last weekend's rainstorm loosened the soil and a 60-year-old palm tree fell on a transformer line next to the studio." "Are they fixing it?" "In a manner of speaking, yeah." "What does that mean?" "They don't know how to fix it." "How much about this do I want to know?" "As little as possible." "Okay." "Oh." "Electricity problems?" "How'd you guess?" "Oh, I've got eyes everywhere." "What, they let you out for good behavior?" "Make all the funny jokes you want, but mine was booze eight years ago, yours was coke two weeks ago." "How'd it get out?" "I don't know." "You're in it now." "Like I wasn't in it before." "Will you come with me to see Matt?" "How's the news division covering it?" "I've asked them not to cover it any differently than the other networks." "It's not like they were waiting for my permission." "Can I ask on any floor on any corridor in any office of your building next door has the possibility been brought up that your DUI eight years ago was not news, it's entertainment?" "I don't know, but that's why I'm here." "Why?" "To make sure you guys are covering it." "I don't want any special treatment." "Well, you're not getting any, but I can also bet you that Matt's not planning on writing a sketch about it either." "Why not?" "Tough to locate the humor in drunk driving." "Tough to locate the humor in cocaine addiction, too, though, sounds like given enough time, you'd have no problem at all." "What?" "I'm working!" "Oh, sorry." "Hi." "I'll be out of your way in a minute." "Sure." "What do you need?" "She wants us to make fun of her." "Okay, well, you're teeth are pretty big." "No..." "She wants you to know it's okay with her if you make fun of her arrest." " Thanks, I can speak for myself." " Go ahead." "My teeth are fine." "Okay." "I'm saying you shouldn't give me special treatment." "No, 'cause I wouldn't want anyone to think I was a pussy-boy." "You're a pussy-boy?" "Don't worry about it." "I'll be around." "I'll be here trying to be more American." "Throw it out, would you?" "You saw the focus data?" "Don't worry about it." "Come on." "You say "Don't worry about it" a lot." "Yeah." "Listen." "What are they saying over there?" "What does our retention need to be on Friday?" "We put up great numbers last week." "Run your show." "That was a look-in audience." "Wes, Matt and me coming back, "Crasy Christians."" "That was a fake number." "What percent do we need to retain this week?" "To do what?" "To keep you out of trouble." "That's nice." "What percent, Jordan?" "What are they saying?" "Don't worry about it." "Well argued, sir." "Audience?" "Science Schmience!" "Tom Cruise," "Friday what causes depression?" "Have you studied the history of psychiatry?" "Camera Dress I have not." "Well, then you don't know what you're talking about!" "I haven't said anything." " Well, now you're just being glib." " Don't misunderstand." "I like the certainty that the entire international medical community is wrong, but I'm gonna need an answer." "We're in the middle of dress rehearsal." "I know, but Matt's already posted the final board." "Yeah, we got our show." " We don't have a sketch on this week." " You and a lot of other people." "What can I say, guys?" "It happens." "Yeah, it happens a little more with Matt though, doesn't it?" "Well, he didn't take the job to be a traffic cop, he took it to write." "Well, he took it 'cause he had to." "No, I took it 'cause I had to." "He took it voluntarily." "Can I help you?" "Can we cut to the chase?" "Yeah, if it were up to me, we'd even cut the chase." "What problem do the two of you have with the two of us and when is it going to stop?" "Whoa, whoa, first of all, Matt and I are two separate people." "Don't paint us with the same brush." "Matt has a problem with you." "I'm completely indifferent towards you." "Was that supposed to be funny?" " Guys, I got to get back in there." " Danny..." "Bill Maher, he made a politically incorrect observation on his own show, helpfully titled," "Politically Incorrectand the sky felldown on him." "Matt was one of the first guys to take up his side, so the sky fell down on him." "When AP asked you for a reaction quote, do you remember what you said?" "It was more than four years ago, Danny." "I have no earthly idea what I said." "I do." "Ron..." "You said, "Matt Albie certainly doesn't speak for the cast crew and staff of Studio 60, whose thoughts and prayers were with the brave men and women who lost their lives on September 11th."" "See?" "He got it word for word." "Were Matt's thoughts and prayers not with the brave men and women who lost their lives on September 11th?" "It was 9/11." "Everyone was out of their friggin' minds." "And by the way, I'm the one pushing the Bush sketches." "Yeah, I imagine now that the President's approval rating is seven guys in Tupelo, Mississippi, the water feels a little safer." "Anyway, he asked a question, so..." " And how long is this going to go on?" " That's entirely up to him." "He needs us and you know it, too." "Nobody can write 90 minutes of television every week by themselves-- he'll be dead by his his sixth show." "And when that happens, I'm sure you'll be ready to take his job." "I got to go in." "Is it possle that Haji here and I are the two least-crazy people on this panel?" "It's a pretty tight raceon my scorecard, Schlomo." "Cora Rae..." "Good evening." "Jack." "Shelly." "This can only be good news." "Nah, it's nothing." "Shelly's drafted a brief but courteous statement for the shareholders." "I need you to sign off on it." "We can't use the same brief but courteous statement I gave to NBS Sunrise," "NBS Nightly News, CNBS and FN-NBS?" "It should be different for the shareholders." "It's gotten pretty mangled in the last 48 hours." "The Post has a picture of me in New York last May at one of the parties for the Upfronts." "I'm holding a dirty martini, rocks, two olives and the caption says the arrest occurred "hours after this picture was taken at Cipriani."" "The picture was taken five months ago." "The arrest was eight years ago, and the restaurant I'm standing in is 21." "This is fine." "It's just one of those things that's reached a critical mass." "At least I hope it has." "He means it's a lot easier to play defense if we know what's coming." "Well, I didn't know this was coming." "You should have." "You can send this out now." "I think you know how The Smoking Gun got tipped to the DUI." "A guy named Ryan Mulrooney?" "When I was 25, we were married for nine months." "I pay him alimony." "Or I did until the court said I didn't have to anymore." "That's something you didn't mention during any of your five interviews for this job." " Can you blame me?" " He's found a new source of income." " A $500 tip-off?" " No, he's shopping a book." "What are you talking about?" "Confessions of a Network Husband:" "My life with Jordan McDeere." "Do you need a minute?" "No." "When did this happen?" "Shelly's been putting the pieces together." "He's been taking stories to the gossip guys in the hope he'll generate some heat for the publishers." "If not, he'll self-publish." "What does that mean?" "He'll put it on the Internet and charge for people to read it." "Is it going to be worth paying for?" "Yeah." "He wanted me to go to clubs with him." "What kind of clubs?" " Golf, tennis, wine-tasting." " Hey!" "Jordan." "The kind where you watch other people having sex." "I was 25." "I married a slug." "So did my wife, but I don't make her go to Plato's Retreat." "You make her go to the People's Choice Awards, that's not bad enough?" "You think this is the right time to adopt a playful attitude?" "I think it's my pants everyone's standing in and I'll adopt whatever attitude gets me through the day." "Yeah." "All right." "You're right." "First thing Monday, you sit down with Shelly, your lawyer and our lawyer and you tell them every detail you can think of." "Okay, but there's going to need to be an open bar." "And keep the whimsy." "Jack?" "Yeah?" "What percent of Studio 60's audience do I need to retain to keep playing tough with the Chrisan right?" "You need to retain 90% to keep playing at all." " Good dress!" " Yes." "It'll be another good show." "How important is the ratings drop-off gonna be?" " Don't worry about it." " Well, that's good enough for me." " You know what you have to do?" " What?" "Let Ricky and Ron off the hook." "No, I don't think I have to do that." "Yeah." "It's time." "You know what?" "A hundred years ago Gary Marshall rewrote an episode of Happy Days or something and kept their name on it and they won an Emmy." "They've been eating lunch off it ever since." "I think Ricky and Ron were about ten when Happy Days was on, but I get the idea." "Use them anyway." " Why?" " 'Cause you're gonna burn out." "I'm not." "Then do it 'cause I'm smarter than you and I'm asking you nicely." "The drop-off-- you think inside 10%, 90% retention?" "Don't worry about it." "Excuse me." "You should be downstairs." "No, Matt, you gotta take it down off the board." " No." " Matt." "What are you talking about?" "She saw the focus data on "Commedia dell'Arte."" " Oh, man." "This is exactly why..." " You can't keep it in the show, Matt." "There were three sketches that got bigger laughs at dress, which isn't saying much because "Commedia" got no laughs." "Which means it's not that kind of funny." "Or it's not funny at all and I'm dragging the show down." "Can we have this conversation moving?" "I flatlined." ""Boring" was a word that was used to describe it." "Some people just don't get Moliere parodies." "He's right, even though Moliere was a French playwright from a different century who had nothing to do with Italian commedia dell'arte." "Matt." "It's an acquired taste, Jeannie, but once you acquire it, it's like barrel-smoked whiskey." "What's that?" "I don't know." "I may have just made it up." "What gets smoked in barrels?" " Scotch." " Scotch is whiskey." "It's Scotch whiskey." " Look..." " How can you think Moliere, who wrote in rhyming couplets, was even remotely connected..." "You're wrong about that." "He does have a connection." "Idiot boys!" " She's talking to us?" " Yeah." "I flatlined." "Nobody liked it." "That's not true." "One guy in St. Louis and one guy in Atlanta." "Could you please be serious?" "Look at me." "The network's doing another dial group tonight because, well, because they just can't help themselves." "They're doing it during the live show, so we'll have the results roughly the same time we have the ratings." "The focus group is made up entirely of people who saw last week's show." "The two people who liked it last week is gonna go up to three." "That one person is going to represent an additional 500,000 viewers." "If it doesn't go up to three, I'm gonna give you $10,000 cash." "That serious enough?" "If the two doesn't go to three, I give you $10,000." "If it does, you have to wear a T-shirt at the wrap party that says," ""Matt is my hero and Danny thinks Moliere was Italian."" "I'm having wardrobe make the shirt right now." "Matt..." "Commit to it." "You're gonna feel a strong instinct to make it bigger-- fight that with everything you got." "No comedian you admire has ever been afraid of silence." " Okay?" " Yeah." "Don't forget to breathe before you go out there." "Hey, you know what worked at dress?" "The Ealing, Missouri joke." "Yeah." "The school play, the whole run, and it was all you" " I didn't even touch it." " Yes, it worked very well." " We want to cut it." " I'm sorry?" " We want to cut it." " Why?" " Because we're just that stupid." "Somebody tell me what's going on?" "It's a funny joke, but it's not a good joke and I'd like 15 seconds to tell you why." " Okay." " Ealing is a town of fewer than 4,000 people." "More than half the adult population work in the Hanover Bakery plant, and the average income is $18,000 a year." "or roughly the same thing I'll be paid to perform this show tonight." "Why are we making fun of them?" ""Crazy Christians," "Science Schmience," Bush and the Republicans, that's all fair game." "That's hypocrisy and power." "These guys are just trying to raise their kids." "Why can't the school do whatever play it wants?" "You let her win this argument?" "She can makes the lights go on and off by herself." "That's true." "When you find yourself losing one of these, shout my name" " I will come." "She was my girlfriend for a while." "I'm very good at demonstrating to her that she's always wrong." "She's not this time, and it's our first shot at the desk, so..." "All right." "What are you gonna fill it with?" "New legislation in Wyoming will allow bear hunters to carry automatic weapons with silencers." "When asked to comment, a bear said, "Roar!"" " You know she's gonna make it work." " I know." "We're cutting the Ealing High School joke from News 60." " Why?" " Because they make bread or something." "Anybody else have anything funny they want to cut?" "Tell me the truth." "You've talked to them; tell me the truth." "How important is audience retention tonight?" "It's important, Matt." "We can't lose more than 10%." "What do you think?" "The sponsors, the affiliates, the press, the right, our job," "Jordan's job, everybody's job." "It's important." " All right, lie to me next time." " That's what I'm saying." "All right!" "Huddle up!" "Live from Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, it's Friday night in Hollywood." "with Harriet Hayes, Simon Stiles, Tom Jeter." "Jeannie Whatley." "Alex Dwyer." "Dylan Killington." "Samantha Li." "With musical guest Gwen Stefani and guest host Rob Reiner." "Ladies and gentlemen, Rob Reiner!" "Thank you!" "Thank you very much." "Welcome to The Nicholas Cage Show." "I am Nicholas Cage." "Panteloni Bisognosi." "I shall hereby dedicate the very bile that courses through these veins to conquer this demon as I conquered the League of Cognac in the Sack of Rome." "Nobody here has any idea what you're talking about." "Simon?" "Roseanne Barr is releasing an album for children." "We don't have a joke here." "We just mention this as a public service warning to parents." "Harriet?" "At the UN today, Secretary General Kofi Annan called on participants at a Mid East conference for an immediate ceasefire and..." "Here we go." "One up." "Ladies and gentlemen, Gwen Stefani." "Get in the hole!" "Now I'll take your questions." "Sir, what is the White House response to Republican Congressman Robert Ivers plea for a plan that would withdraw the troops from Iraq?" "I have great respect for Congressman Ivers, which is why we're surprised to hear him taking a position shared by Michael Moore." "Judy." "And what about Senator Richmond no longer supporting the president's position on..." "Cora Rae, what caused Hurricane Katrina?" "Warm, moist air rising to high-altitude winds, along with differences in air pressure, or "pressure gradients."" "No, I'm sorry, that's incorrect." "We were looking for "Secularists eroding God's protective shell over America."" "Tom Cruise." "Pimp My Strike boys and girls, bringing you the candy apple flavor flavto your fly three-wheeler, hydraulics for the big wheel and funky speakers for your Huffy custom." "Thank you!" "Thank you, everyone!" "Thank you, Gwen Stefani!" "From the cast and the crew... from Matt Albie, Danny Tripp..." "Thank you!" "Thank you, everybody!" "Good night!" "We love you!" "Hey, we're down on the West Coast." " Hi." " Hi." "You were great tonight." "I had some timing problems." " Did you?" " Have we met?" "No, I'm crashing the party." "How'd you get in?" "Look at me." "Good point." "So how long does it usually take you to get over your "timing problems"?" "A little while." "But it was nice meeting you." "Danny!" "Danny!" "Could you sign this for me?" "Sure." "Hey, good show." "News S-60 Producter Tests Positive for Cocaine" "44-45" "Are they in yet?" " What?" " Are they in yet?" "Do you see me standing near a fax machine?" "I see you standing by a concierge desk of a hotel." " I didn't immediately put it together that..." " The West Coast just came down two minutes ago." "Then it gets electronically routed through some... central computer that..." " I don't know." " Oh, I can tell." "Jack gets them before me." "They'll fax it here." "I'm sorry about the stupid thing I said in your office." "About the drugs." "30,000 people died in car fatalities last year." "17,000 of them weren't wearing seat belts." "What does that have to do with anything?" "No, it's just, you read it all the time." "Two guys in a car, one's wearing a seat belt, the other one isn't, they're doing 60 down Mulholland they blow into a telephone pole." "The guy wearing the seat belt's got two bruised ribs, cut on his forehead." "And the guy without the seat belt gets decapitated." " I was wearing a seat belt." " I'm sure you were." "I'm just not as sure that everyone else on the Long Island Expressway was." "When I put a life in danger, it's my own." "Anyway, I appreciate your standing up for "Crazy Christians."" "I know you only did it to get Matt and me back and I know it's what's keeping you in trouble." "I didn't do it to get you and Matt back, and the Christian right isn't why I'm in trouble today." "I'll see you outside." "You know, you..." "look like one of them, but you talk like one of us." "You know, I did Midsummer Night's Dream in the park two summers ago." "You think they know in Ealing, Missouri that the play's about a bunch of people who basically take ecstasy and all sleep with each other?" " I was Helena." " I was there." ""So I, admiring of his qualities:" "Things base and vile, holding no quantity, love can transpose to form and dignity." "What ho, Puck!"*" "I knew I'd get you." "I knew you'd get me, too." "Matthew, you gotta see that the focus group stuff doesn't get out to the cast anymore." "That shouldn't have happened." "Danny talked to Ricky and Ron." "I'm sorry about that." "How does it work?" "Who does it?" " The focus groups?" " Yeah." "They contract it out." "NBS uses a group called Viewer Strategies." "And they make up the questions?" "Yeah, but then anybody can feed them questions they want answered." "Jack, Jordan, Sales, Promo-- Danny and I can ask questions." "If I want to know what people think of..." "What people think of what?" "Excuse me." "I'm three years younger and I'm faster than you, old man." "I'm three years older and I'm stronger than you, little boy." "You put the question in there!" " Yes, I did!" " Why?" "!" "Because it worked!" "It's not gonna be like it was four years ago." "I won't let it happen." "After what you did for I won't let it happen." "Are people looking at us right now?" "I think they are." "Well, could you punch me in the face or something, 'cause to a casual observer this appears a little homoerotic for my comfort." "I definitely hear you on that." "What should we do?" "Get off of me." "All right, just play it cool." "Yeah." "I think this is what you're waiting for, Ms. McDeere." "Do you remember Vernon Williams?" "Station owner at WTIH in Terre Haute?" "Yeah." "Poor guy's gotta keep calling us on his cell phone because his station lines are jammed with angry calls." "497 tonight." "Oh, God, Jack, Terre Haute didn't even carry the show tonight." "Why the hell are the callers complaining?" "Because Terre Haute didn't carry the show tonight." "Audience retention?" "Did we stay inside 90%?" "We actually did a little better than that?" "We retained 109% of last week's audience." "Five-seven in the households, 19 share, three-one in the demo." "We kept the kids." "And then some." "It was our biggest Friday night in 14 years." "Go ahead and spread the word." "We built by nine percent over last week, including a point and a half in the demo." "Thank you." "What the hell happened to the two of you?" "He is a Machiavellian control freak who purposely and premeditatedly..." "I don't care." "Harriet!" "It's going well." "Yeah." "What are you thinking?" "That we both know the same thing." "What's that?" "There's only one direction this story can go from here." "Tonight you're mine... completely" "You give your love so sweetly" "Tonight the light of love is in your eyes" "Will you still love me tomorrow" "Is this a lasting treasure" "Or just a moment's pleasure?" "Can I believe the magic of your sighs," "Will you still love me tomorrow" "Tonight with words unspoken" "You say that I'm the only one" "But will my heart be broken," "I don't know" "When the night meets the morning sun?" "I'd like to know that your love" "Is a love I can be sure of," "So tell me now and I won't ask, I won't ask again" "Will you still love me..." "Tomorrow..."