"This programme contains some strong language" "# I came along" "# Just to bring you this song" "# Can you spare one dream for me?" "#" "It must be funny to think about your Leo being with an older woman." " Well..." " Cos she is, like, a proper woman." " I know." "Like, I mean there must be a good what, 20 years between them?" "13 years, Anji!" "There's 13 years between them." "13, right." "Well, it might be unlucky for some." "You know, I have to say, Leo seems very happy." "I like her." "She seems a genuine person, very nice, very kind..." "And I bet she proper eats him alive in the sack!" "That's disgusting!" "Like I always say, though, boy don't learn to cook in a new oven, right?" "!" "La, la, la, shut up, man." "Thank you." " Ah!" " What?" "Could I trouble you for some nibbles please?" "Oh, come on!" "Leo, if we're going to do this we're going to do it right." "You're the host with the most." "Come on!" "What would you like?" "Mm, would you happen to have any Bombay mix?" "This is ridiculous, who asks for Bombay mix?" "She might." "Or a hula hoop." "Very popular at a party although somewhat eclipsed by your friend and mine, the tortilla chip." "Oh, give me strength." "Leo, cover all bases." "This is you and Judy's first night together, if you want things to go smoothly the trick is to plan ahead." " Agree?" " Agree." "Right, let's swap." "You be Judy and I'll be you." "Come on!" "JIMMY HYPERVENTILATES LEO LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY" "So you've got your drinks." "You've got your nibbles." "Got my nibbles." "What have you got there in the way of nibbles?" "Just get on with it!" "So, everything's sorted, I sit back beside you." "Bit of chitchat, "No, I love panda bears!"" "And when the time's right, I say something like, "Judy..." ""..it's time"." " Oh, come on." " What?" " It's time?" " What's wrong with that?" "I'm trying to make her feel comfortable and relaxed, not as if she's about to be led off to the electric chair." "OK." "Then how about the old classic, the reach around?" "Jimmy, we're not 14." "Then straight in with the head on the lap." "Looks like a friendly snuggle but can quickly lead to so much more." "Hello." "Jimmy!" "Do you know what I think?" "I think me and Judy should just relax and be ourselves." "New shirt!" "So, Judy, what do you think?" "I don't know what to say." "SHE LAUGHS" "You can't charge her for that." "I'm not charging her anything, it's on me, it's my treat." "More like 'trick or treat.'" "I mean, I'm all up for taking the piss but that's pushing it." "What do you mean man?" "It's hip and it's cutting edge." "Call it whatever you like." "She's going out the back door." "Well, Pam, what can I say?" "I know." "You look just like Helena Bonham Carter." "And who doesn't love her sense of style?" "Ah, that's who I'm meant to be!" "And now just a finishing hair accessory to add just a little touch of gothic." "Well, it certainly adds something." "So you up to something special tonight, then, you and Leo, are you?" "No, just a quiet night in." "Right." "Cos you and Tony are away for the night, aren't you?" "That's right, we are." "So you two love birds house sitting then, are you?" "Anything else I can get for you, Judy?" "Balaclava?" "Hiya, love." "I've been up that place on the high street that's closing down." " Every dress is a fiver." " A fiver!" " Yeah." "Oh, mum, you're too late." "It's all gone." "Oh, no!" "Why didn't you ring me?" "You've never seen anything like it." "Oh, actually you have." "You remember when I had to wrestle that little boy for the electric toothbrush on Black Friday?" " Oh, yeah." " Is she back yet?" "No." "Now, remember what I said, Jackie?" "Yeah, yeah, I got it." "You know what she's like, she might seem like she's not nervous but this'll be the first time her and Leo will have..." " Shagged." " Shagged, yeah." "So it's a very special time for them and it's important that we leave them to it." "Has she had sex since, well, since the operation?" " Oh, I've never asked." " Right." "Some things are personal, Jackie." "Right, yeah, yeah, right." "But I have read some of her texts from around the time when she was seeing that guy from the pest control which said she has, yes." "DOOR OPENS" "Hi!" "In here, love!" " Fu.." " Oh, now." "Would you look at that!" "What do you think?" "Wow!" "I say, isn't that something?" " Do you like it?" " Gosh, well there we are." " You do like it?" " She never said that." "It's terrible, isn't it?" "It's not terrible." "Jacks, what do you think?" "Well, it's like, it's hard to put into words to be honest, Jude." "You remind me of someone but I just can't think who..." "Ah!" "I loved her in Planet of the Apes." "That's Judy." "Wow!" "Mam's worked her magic again." "This is just your mam's make-up." " I heard that!" " Love you!" "Have you got aftershave on?" "No." "I don't need any." "Wow-chicka-wow-wow." "Up you go." "Well, you two, remember the checklist." "Mam, we're not kids any more." "Don't go around leaving lights on, shoes off at the front door," " toilet seat down, no leaving the windows open with the heating on." " And?" "Put the outside lights on!" "But I won't be here so, Leo, that's your job." "Why, where are you going?" " I'm not going anywhere." " James?" " What am I doing, Leo?" " Peggy's asked him if he can help out with some of the cake deliveries tonight." "That's right." "I said I'd help out so Judy can have it off." " The night that is!" " Has he told you where you're going yet?" "No, it's a secret apparently." "Oh, God, man, I didn't mean a whole bottle." "I'm saying it's top secret this hotel?" "Yes, a secret luxury escape." "Prepare yourself, Pam, to experience something truly magical." "Hm, haven't I heard that somewhere before?" "What are you talking about?" " Would you like us to remind you?" " Go on." "Do the words Scarborough and scabies ring any bells?" "Can't a man treat his wife to a night of passion once in a while?" "Oh, I hope you've packed those pants with the Santa on them?" " Oh, shut up, man." " And the flame retardant baby blue pyjamas." "And don't forget your dental floss." "You know me Mam hates it when you pick your teeth with your debit card." "Come on, Pam." "Take no notice." "We're only young once, eh?" " Let's get cracking." " See you, bye!" " Bye." "Did you pack my statins?" "She's washing it out." "I didn't mind it but, as she said, what with the additional height that the style gave her it meant she was literally skimming door frames." "Is she bricking it?" "She is nervous, I think." "KNOCK AT THE DOOR" " Hello." " Hiya." " Hiya." "Hi, Peggy, you all right?" "Ah, come and give us a big squeeze, you." "Ah, that's better." "Just you and me in the van tonight, James." "Oh, crikey." "Bit nervous." "Don't worry, you'll be done in no time, she doesn't hang about." " It wasn't the driving I was thinking about." " Neither was I." " All right, Leo?" " Yeah, good thanks." " For your big night?" " Jackie!" "Why don't you go through to the living room, Leo," "Judy won't be long." "Judy!" " Hi." " Hi, lovely." "So, did you like my new hairdo?" "Yeah, well I actually quite like the messy look." "On men and women." "Right, so you won't mind if I mess your hair up?" "No!" "I spent ages..." "Oh, my God, look at me there!" "I remember that day." "That was the day we all went to Whitley Bay and Jackie got off with a guy in the chippie." "Anyway, listen, I won't be long." "What's that noise?" "Can you hear something?" "It's the sound of your shoes sticking to the carpet." "Four stars, my arse." "Not to worry." "We can have a quiet night, order in a bit of room service." "The only thing I'll be having sent to the room, Tony, is antibiotics." "It's all right, eh?" "I can smell cigarette smoke." "Hair." "Hair." "Pubic hair." "Four sets of BB owners, battle it out to be crowned best value for money." "They'll critique the decor..." "I'm not staying here, Tony, it's disgusting." " ..and judge one another." " Are you trying to get on my nerves?" "If you're not happy, we'll get another room." "Right, well, I'm not, so get one." "OK." " What, you want me to go?" " Aye." "Would you?" "You're pathetic." "Well, you two, have a good night, whatever it is you get up to." "Oh, well, we'll probably just get pizza or something." " Right." " Bit of telly." "Yeah, telly and a pizza?" " Sounds great." " OK, well, see you later." " OK, yeah, bye, mum." " Bye." "Bye." "Scared to ask, what do you think?" "Can you smell wet dog?" "No... ..I can smell slightly damp dog." "The sheets are fine." "Now, let's just relax, enjoy ourselves." "What are you doing?" "Just texting our James, seeing if they're all right." "Phones away, please." "This trip is all about us." "Oh, for God's sake." "Get off us, man!" " Make love to me, woman!" " Not now, Tony!" "Pam, they're grown lads." "You haven't got to check up on them all the time." "Our two you do." "As long as they don't burn down the house, or eat my Chipsticks, they can do whatever they like, am I right?" "Pam?" "Pam, are you listening?" " Not really." " There's a surprise." " Hi!" " Hi, we'd like to talk to you about Christ's Kingdom on earth." "I'm sorry but now's just not a good time." "We've got the Star Wars cake you ordered." "Shut up, you." "Right!" "Oh, sorry, yeah, come on in." "Watch where you step." "Just pop it down there." "You dropped something." "Thanks." "You all right, mate?" "Jake, the man's asked you a question." "He's in a proper sulk, is that one." "It's his birthday tomorrow, all his friends are coming round, and the kids' entertainer I've hired just frigging cancelled on us." "Where's his dad, get him to dress up!" "Oh, sorry, is his dad not around?" "He's around but he's busy tomorrow." "Busy with his new lady friend, no doubt." "Slut." "Sorry." "Well, thanks for bringing the cake." "Right, see you later." "I was thinking about Judy." " Yeah?" " Something occurred to us." "I mean, it's been staring us in the face all the time," " but I hadn't put the pieces together." " What pieces?" "Well, she's back living with her mam, she hasn't exactly got a real career, she's never been married." "Isn't it obvious?" "It was to me, aye." "Was it?" " I worked it out that Sunday, in the pub." " Did you?" " I did, aye." " Right." "Well, that's her secret then, isn't it?" "She's been in prison!" "And this is my room." "So this is where the magic happens?" "Not really, not with James in the house." "According to him, if you're having sex you should tie a sock to the door handle." "But, I mean, it's not very romantic, is it?" ""Excuse me a moment, while I just get my doorsock."" "That's not my doorsock." "Erm." "It's not there." "Never mind!" "It's time." "Sorry?" "It's time we...went downstairs for a drink of something." "OK." "You know how I found out my husband had been cheating on me?" "He came home late, but he didn't go straight to bed." "He had a shower, then went to bed." " No." " I got it!" "You found pictures of female feet on his laptop and you knew they could never be yours." "Bite marks on his bum!" "He said a dog did it." "I said, "I know." "A dog did do it." ""Now what's she bloody called?"" "Nice." " So, what can I get you?" " Oh, a glass of wine would be lovely." " Red or white." " Um..." "I've only got white." " White would be lovely." " OK." "Would you care for any nibbles?" " Nibbles?" " Erm." "Bombay mix, pour example?" " Erm, maybe later." " Maybe later..." " OK." " Thank you." "Cheers." "Cheers." "It's not the most comfortable settee in the world, is it?" " What?" " True what my Mam says, she can't sit on it for any length of time without her arse going numb." "She prefers one of the chairs unless she's painting her toes then she'll sit on the settee so she can get her feet on the table." " Leo!" " Hm?" " What's wrong?" " With what?" " With you!" " Nothing wrong with me." "Leo, sit down and tell me what's wrong." "It's that photo, isn't it?" "Oh, your bloody mother!" "What you talking about?" "She tried to make me look sexy and edgy, but I looked deranged, hideous, psychotic..." "Feel free to stop me whenever you want." " It's not the photo." " Well, then what is it?" "Well, it's not THAT photo?" "Not that photo?" "Then..." "Oh, I get it." "At my mum's." "But you knew." "I know." "But, there's knowing and then there's... ..knowing." "So... ..what does this mean then?" "I don't know." "Do you know, I was thinking to myself the other day... he's too perfect." "No-one's perfect." "He has to have an Achilles heel." " And I guess this is yours." " What does that mean?" "You say you're OK with it, but, at the end of the day," " you just don't have the balls to go through with it." " Neither do you!" "I'm sorry, that was a bad joke." "I'm sorry." "I think you should go." "This is my house." "Here's your lovely salad." "Oh, you're doing ever so well, Jackie." "Gotta keep trying." "Oh, yes, and I'm here to support you all the way." "BUZZER SOUNDS" "Okey dokey, James, that's our pizzas ready." "Oh, love, what's wrong?" "Uh-oh." "What's the matter?" "It's all over with Leo." "Was the sex that bad?" "Don't worry, they can't hear us." " Did he have trouble getting it up?" " Shut up!" "Jackie, there's a bowl of whipped cream at the back of the fridge." "I knew it, Mum." "I knew it would end up like this." "# And I'm a tiny penny rolling up the walls inside" "# We only said goodbye with words" "# I died a hundred times" "# You go back to her" "# And I go... #" "Hiya!" "Don't worry, Pam, I can manage." "Hi, Mam." "Hi Dad." "What's up?" "Did you have a nice time?" "Hotel nice?" "Just a smidgeon short of the full five stars." "It was a shit-hole." "What's going on?" "What do you mean, what's going on?" "Leo, I can read you like a book." "When you're depressed you listen to two songs." "This one and that one by Spiritualized." "Mam, it's on shuffle." "This song just happens to be on." "Last track, Broken Heart by Spiritualized." "Miss Marple's got nothing on you, pet." "So what's going on?" " It's all over with Judy." " What?" "After I spent an hour and a half doing her bloody hair?" "Yeah, actually what was all that about?" "Was it not one of your mam's finest?" "I reckon you wanted to make her look ridiculous." "No, I didn't!" " Leo, your mam wouldn't do that!" " Wouldn't she?" "Oh, Leo, I'm sorry." "Maybe I did." "I dunno." "When you're a mother you can't help be overprotective." "I didn't mean to hurt you, I promise, it was only a bit of fun." "Hey, give us a hug." " James!" " Mam, that was right in me lughole." " Sorry." "Where is he?" " I dunno." "I said, are you ready?" "ALL:" "Yeah!" "JIMMY HUMS STAR WARS THEME" "Here we go." "HE IMITATES LIGHTSABER SOUNDS" "He's quite good." "KNOCK AT THE DOOR" "Yeah?" "There's a quiz in this paper that's right up your street." "Dad, I'm in no mood for a quiz." "Let's just see if you can do better than me and your mam, eh?" "Question One, can you remember what you said after your first date with Judy?" "And this quiz is in the paper?" "It's a local paper." "What did you say?" "No idea." "I do." "You said, "I think she's the one."" " Doesn't sound like me." " You said it, son." "Question Two..." "And this is the big one, why do you never open a window up in here?" "Better." "Final question, do you love her?" " What?" " Do you love Judy?" " I think I do." " You got to be sure, Leo." "Cos she's been through a lot, Judy." "Hasn't she?" "What do you mean?" "I know." "I know about Judy." "She's..." "She's had a sex change, hasn't she?" " How did you know?" " I worked it out." "That day when we all went for lunch, I was talking to her, watching her." " I just put two and two together." " Does Mam know?" " Course she doesn't." " Oh, thank God for that." "And we're not going to tell her, not just now anyway." "I think your mam just needs a bit of time to get to know her first." "Agreed." "But that's not what really matters right now." "What matters is if you feel that Judy's the one, if you're sure about it then you can't beat about the bush." "For her sake." "What do you think?" " Doesn't matter what I think." " I know, I'm just asking." "What do you think about me and Judy?" "Is she the woman I'd have chosen for you?" "She's probably not my first choice." "Or my second or my third." " Or even my fourth..." " OK, Dad." "But I can see that she makes you happy." "And if you're happy, I'm happy." " So are you?" " What?" "Sure about Judy, man!" "Yeah." "Yeah, I am." "Then what the bloody hell you doing sat here talking to me?" "Yoda speaks." "YODA VOICE:" "Decide you must, how to serve them best." "If you leave now, help them you could." "But you may destroy all for which they have fought and suffered." "Probably the worst Yoda I've ever seen." "All right." "Now, Return Of The Jedi!" "Koo Leia la." "Sik a yay a who poo-pooo." "Ooh weeooh." "Outside it's all kicking off." "Princess Leia knows that it's the only time to escape." "So she grabs a chain, wraps it around Jabba's neck and pulls with all her strength." "Cut to Jabba." "HE GROANS" "Bit better." "MUSIC PLAYS" "MUSIC:" "Krafty (Single Edit) By New Order" "# Some people get up at the break of day" "# Gotta go to work before it gets too late" "# Sitting in a car and driving down the road" "# It ain't the way it has to be" "# But that's what you do to earn your daily wage" "# That's the kind of world that we're living in today" "# Isn't where you wanna be" "# And isn't what you wanna do" " # Just give me one more day" " One more day" " # Give me another night" " Just another night" " # I need a second chance" " Second chance" " # This time I'll get it right" " This time I'll get it right" " # I'll say it one last time" " One last time" " # I've got to let you know" " I've got to let you know" " # I've got to change your mind" " I've got to change your mind" "# I'll never let you go. #"