"Previously on Z Nation." "Made it myself." "I call it the Z Whacker." "Well slap my ass and call me Sally." "If it ain't Sketchy McClain." "She's not Cassandra." "Not anymore." "That didn't sound good." "Where's Cassandra?" "I mercied her." "I gave her life." "And you had no right to take that away." "Hello, fellows." "A healthy grill is a healthy man." "From the air we breathe to the kisses we impart, it is our buccal cavity that separates us from the plants." "It is incumbent upon us, therefore, to service its gatekeepers." "Gentlemen, good day." "My name is Rollie." "This is my colleague Cornelius." "Gentlemen, when was the last time you had your teeth cleaned?" "Times are never too desperate for self-improvement." "We accept donations." "Food, water, gas, bullets, batteries." "We also accept smiles" "Please, enjoy the seated experience." "Up you go." "Well you look like you still have some large capable teeth." "That's great news." "How often would you say you floss?" "This simple daily ritual can add years of happiness and productivity." "A healthy mouth is a healthy life." "The Mississippi sure ain't as mighty as it used to be." "We'll move faster on river than on foot." "We can take this south to Memphis and then head west." "Can't we find another one?" "No." "You wanna help us out?" "No, I don't." "By the way, I can't swim." "Whoa, whoa." "Easy!" "I don't want any trouble." "What are you doing here?" "It's my boat." "Makes sense." "It's ours now." "What the hell?" "Now wait a minute." "I don't like this deal." "Can we negotiate?" "Hey, listen." "Listen, this boat ain't easy to operate." "Well plus, I know the river." "The channel patterns." "I'd make a great asset." "Forget it." "You talk too much." "No, no, no, no, no, no, listen." "I can keep quiet." "You won't hear a peep." "Can you take us south to Memphis?" "Well hell yes." "Let's go." "I'll take you to the Gortner Bridge, just north of the city." "Road block on the East side keeps things pretty quiet." "After that, where you headed?" "East, West?" "Shut up." "Sure thing." "Nothing worse than a blabber mouth that won't shut up." "It's kinda like back in the before." "I had this brother in law" "Does this thing actually run?" "I swear it ran as soon as yesterday." "10K, check the motor." "Oh thank you, young man." "Yeah, I got a stinger in my neck." "A lot of weakness in my upper extremities." "♪ Have mercy♪" "♪ Oh, have mercy. ♪" "Hey, I think I know those dudes." "Oh my god." "Is that" "Sketchy and Skeezy." "Slow down, man." "Slowing down." "Hey, we're not slowing down." "Yeah." "For once I agree with him." "Aye aye, sir." "Do what I tell you and slow down." "Those are my friends." "Well is that really necessary?" "Let's check it out." "Mistake." "Never get off the boat." "Doc!" "Well I'll be damned!" "Well if it ain't tweedle dee and tweedle dumb-ass." "Oh man." "Your guys's timing is perfect." "What happened to him?" "He fell in with the wrong crowd." "Hey, kid!" "You still shooting out the lights?" "Yeah." "Great." "Help us with this gear, will ya?" "You're not bringing that on board." "Sir." "With all due respect, this is valuable booty worth about four weeks of road time." "You get one." "All right, we're taking this one." "Well what about the salt and pepper shakers?" "I think they're in this one." "Now or never, boys." "Just so happens you caught us on the upswing." "Long gestating plans have been percolating and coming into fruition all at once." "It's been a pretty good season for us." "Where the hell'd you find all that stuff?" "Oh yeah, we stayed in Memphis for a bit." "Happened by a little bitty place." "Maybe you've heard of it." "Former home of the King." "You looted Graceland?" "Oh we cleaned the place out." "We had a couple of truckloads of authentic Elvis swag until we ran into a little bit of trouble." "And if you were all the way in Memphis, how was it that you ended up here?" "Oh we took a river trail up north in Nebraska where we ran into some angry Albanians who did not like us." "Skeezy here damn near lost a leg." "What happened?" "They were gonna chop off my leg." "Damn." "It was nothing a little bit of discourse couldn't amend." "We're all just animals looking for a connection." "Oh and plus we got them with "The Murphy."" "Excuse me?" "Yeah, it's just this thing we do." "It works cuz of Skeezy's passing resemblance." "Resemblance?" "That so?" "And what exactly does "The Murphy" look like?" "Over seven feet tall." "Red eyes." "Teeth like a mountain goat." "He walks around on all fours." "And he can blend into his surroundings like a chameleon." "Yeah, when we saw him in Louisiana, he was green as moss." "We saw him again a week later in Texas, and he looked like dirt." "You don't say." "He's dangerous as all hell." "I saw him turn a man inside out using his mind." "Literally." "Guy's spleen just hanging out over his waistband." "Most people don't understand" "Oh, I understand." "You two are a a couple of lying morons who spoiled a rather pleasant boat ride." "I resent that." "I've heard enough." "I'm throwing you both over." "No, no, no." "Whoa, take it easy." "Come on." "Come on, now." "You can't throw us in." "Look, there's zombie jams down river, okay?" "It'd be like feeding us to piranhas." "Your stories just get dumber and dumber." "No, no, no, it's true." "It's true." "All up and down the Mississippi." "They start in Lake Onalaska and they drift down." "Boys." "You're just digging a deeper hole." "I swear on my mother's eyes, Doc." "Zombie jam." "I told you!" "Nobody ever believes us!" "Guess we woke them up." "Zombies on board!" "Bail out!" "Doc!" "Warren!" "Where's your buddy?" "Curtains." "Saw him go down." "He chose to sink while you and I chose to swim." "You know they say that drowning is actually a pretty good way to go, which I would hope for." "Even though he's a coward for leaving me in the lurch." "You see my friends?" "They were swimming west." "You saw this?" "With my own eyes." "What about the blue guy?" "Sunk to the bottom." "Are you positive?" "Oh yeah." "He's getting turned away at the pearly gates right about now." "Doc?" "Look man, I can't be sure." "Okay?" "Hey, you make fire?" "Yeah." "Well you and I should stick together for a bit, watch each other's backs." "I mean guys like you in these parts" "You're gonna get taken advantage of." "You know what I mean?" "That's not gonna happen." "Yeah, well I'll make sure it don't." "What about you?" "I won't touch you." "Can you make fire?" "Look, don't patronize me." "I'm not playing little games with you, boy." "I am the fire!" "He's cut in half!" "Oh dear Lord!" "I can't do it." "I can't do it." "Mercy him." "Wait!" "Give him a warrior's death." "Oh God." "Hey!" "Cut it out!" "Cut it out!" "Cut it out!" "Come on." "Do it!" "Stop!" "I fell in a damn hole!" "Oh." "Get me outta here." "I thought you said he chose" "Hey." "Shut up, kid." "What'd you say?" "You know I said we need to find my best friend and get out of here." "Cuz there's human traffickers in these parts." "Oh that's true actually." "Hey, where you going, kid?" "We just got here." "I'm better off on my own." "I need to find my friends." "We're on the East side of the Mississippi." "As I recall, your friends were heading West." "If they were alive, and that's a big if, they ain't heading East." "Then I'll find my way West." "Now the only way West is south of here, Gortner Bridge." "Look, kid." "You want to find your friends, come with us." "We're heading South." "Safety in numbers." "Trust me on that." "Walk life's journey with us, young man." "Learn the ways of the world from two gentlemen who've been there, done that." "Yeah." "Besides, we'll get you laid for sure." "Okay, fine." "We'll let you come with us." "You're in charge of making fires though." "10K!" "10K!" "Kid!" "Can you hear us?" "!" "Send a smoke signal!" "I'm going across." "Doc." "You won't make it." "We have to get him." "No." "We don't." "And what makes you think he's on the other side anyway?" "That kid's a survivor!" "He ain't going out like that!" "Yeah." "As romantic as that sounds, that is not much to go on." "Well I don't care." "I'm going after him." "That's the East side of the Mississippi you're talking about" "Yeah." "So?" "I'm heading West." "So is he." "Oh is that right?" "Doc." "You're not going back in there." "What are we gonna do, Warren?" "!" "Leave him?" "!" "Hey, hey." "We're not gonna leave him." "Look, he probably just floated downstream." "Right?" "So let's head South." "We'll find a spot." "We'll camp out." "There's only one direction he could've gone." "We'll stay on the river's edge." "If he's on the other side, he'll give us a signal." "Well what about getting Murphy to California?" "Yeah." "What about that?" "We'll put in 24 hours of looking for him." "And then we head West." "It's like my daddy always told me." "Never trust an Eskimo in a windbreaker." "And he would know cuz he was in the Merchant Marines." "You boys lost?" "Certainly not." "Matter of fact" "Oh, no?" "Cuz either you lost or you're trespassing." "Which one is it?" "Well I was not aware they had changed the property lines since the last time we came through." "Wasn't no last time." "Cuz I woulda recognized you." "Well I've been growing my hair out." "No." "I'm pretty sure you ain't from here." "Am I right, Dale?" "I'm pretty sure not." "We were just on our" "How 'bout emptying them pockets first?" "Well, caught us on a slow day, boys." "Sorry to disappoint." "Like he said." "Hey, what's the hurry?" "Look." "We got off on the wrong foot here." "You obviously look like intelligent men with an eye towards progress in future generations." "What if I told you today's your lucky day?" "Oh, I would agree." "Ain't that right, Dale?" "Oh you right about that." "You're both right." "Cuz it ain't everyday you come in contact with a modern miracle" "Your maker's been smiling on you because today I offer you the most rare and precious of currencies." "Everlasting life." "What's he talking about?" "Well... if you're interested... we've got" "You got a stuttering problem?" "!" "Well yes he does." "And he's actually very self conscious about it." "So please" "Let's just kill them." "Oh then I guess you've never heard of "The Murphy."" "All right, fine." "You don't want to see him." "Oh I've heard of "The Murphy" all right." "Seen him even." "You've seen "The Murphy," huh?" "What's he look like?" "Uh, he's a taller fella." "T...t... taller fella, really?" "Taller fella, skinny as a bean pole?" "Short scraggly hair?" "Dark blotches on his skin?" "Oh it's him." "I knew it." "Wait a second." "That's right." "You've got me." "If you're "The Murphy,"" "then let me see you levitate." "Oh come on." "Who said he could levitate?" "He can!" "Not on an empty stomach." "That's true?" "I'll tell you what is true." "He can make you immortal." "What's that?" "Reset your odometer." "Make you zombie proof." "Zombie proof?" "Prove it." "As I said, it's no accident we're through these parts." "We're wanderers." "Trying to cure this wretched land of disease and sin." "One bite at a time." "What do you mean bite?" "I'm glad you asked." "You wanna be immortal, well Murphy here has got to bite you." "But everything comes at a price." "And it looks like you got plenty to go around in that there wagon of yours." "Maybe not." "But you got to ask yourself how much is eternal life worth to you?" "Hold him still, boys!" "He moves too much, it ain't gonna work." "Why not?" "Uh, cuz the muscles tense up." "It releases an acid that counteracts the venom." "Hold still, Dale!" "I'm trying!" "Close your eyes!" "Think good thoughts." "Just do it already!" "Just do it!" "You heard him!" "Oww!" "Oww!" "Hold still, Dale!" "Hold still, Dale!" "Hold still!" "You're halfway to a life of no worries!" "Hang on, Dale!" "Ride that bull!" "Ride that bull!" "Hang on, Dale!" "Son of a bitch!" "Well that's it." "How do you feel?" "I'm cured!" "I'm cured!" "Murphy!" "You all right?" "Takes a little bit out of him every time." "Who's next?" "We sure do appreciate this." "Fair is fair." "Now like I said, you're gonna want to rest up for at least 12 hours." "You need to metabolize that venom." "Uh now, can we clean the wound?" "Not unless you want to reverse the whole process, Dale." "You heard him, Dale." "Don't touch it!" "And no physical activity." "You must remain perfectly still for 48 hours." "Did you see that?" "!" "See what?" "A light." "A light was flashing right down river." "So you saw a light." "What does that mean?" "10K, he signaled us." "Did anybody see it?" "Roberta, you saw it, didn't you?" "No." "Well how can I be the only one to see it?" "Maybe cuz there's nothing to see." "We've gone far enough South." "We head West in the morning." "Who put you in charge?" "You're losing your head." "Jeopardizing the mission." "What do you know about the mission?" "You're just here collecting a bounty." "I mean, who the hell are you anyway?" "Why are we dragging him along?" "Let's not get it twisted, old man." "I'm escorting this prisoner to California." "And I'm not putting him in danger without a damn good reason." "This is not one of those reasons." "Yeah, well it ain't up to you." "Want to find out if it is?" "Settle down." "Nothing's happening tonight." "And in the morning we'll reevaluate." "You don't believe me?" "I believe you." "Come on, Doc." "Don't let this take you down." "We push on." "We survive." "That's all we can do." "Maybe I'm tired of pushing on." "Hey." "I know." "Get some sleep." "Opportunity presents itself just as I suspected." "I'm telling you, kid." "You must be magic." "There is no end to our good luck since we met you." "It's true." "And it runs in my family." "My uncle Gerald's been struck by lightning three times." "Keys!" "I'm starting to believe you guys." "Well we thought you mighta ran into some trouble." "Just the usual." "Usually you're right on time." "But don't matter." "Uh." "Swenson, get these old boys a drink." "I don't think we've met." "It's usually the other two." "Those two clowns, former employees." "It's the price you pay for delegating responsibility." "But that's not your problem." "Oh yeah, it's hard to find good help." "We apologize on their behalf." "That is not necessary." "So, how'd we do?" "Been better, been worse." "Ain't that the truth." "You get a drink, son?" "Ah, no, no, no, no, no." "Kid's a mute." "Fell on his head as a baby." "But get him something stiff." "All right." "We can get him something strong." "Okay, hey!" "One more for the mute!" "Pretty good my ass!" "Well look, you done outdone yourselves!" "Apparently we have." "Oh." "I have been a rude host." "I haven't even introduced myself." "My name is Tyler Burr." "This is my town." "Burrtown." "Fitting." "Yeah." "Mr. Burr." "Mr. Smithson." "This is my associate, Geronimo." "His granddaddy's part Apache." "And this is our old boy, Renfield." "We found him tied to a tree in Kentucky." "Well" "My family came over on the Mayflower, Mr. Smithson." "And we enjoyed a pretty good run of it too." "Until it all went to hell in a handbasket." "Damn apocalypse." "Oh, I'm talking about the War of Northern Aggression." "Fortunately what we have created here is a return to the glory." "Made with our own hands." "And that is what this country is built on." "Manufacturing." "With able bodied individuals, transformed by God himself into builders, growers, energy creators." "We have electricity." "A working distillery." "And a community that keeps an eye on one another." "We do not allow the afflicted to drag us into the mud." "No sir." "We wrangle them, tame them, and turn them into a workforce." "You're a man of vision, Mr. Burr." "Well it's all about protection, Mr. Smithson." "Without protection, this world's got no use for you." "It's as I always say." "You only need one friend, so long as it's the right friend." "Oh I've said so myself many times before." "You pay the piper, the piper keeps you safe." "Facilitates a life of recreation." "You're gonna have to give me your friend's number." "Any friend of mine is a friend of his." "So enjoy some moonshine and some women, both of which we have in abundance, before you get back to your recruiting tour." "Appreciate the offer, Mr. Burr." "But me and my friends are on a very tight schedule." "We're gonna stay the night." "Road will be too dark." "It's noon." "Eventually it's gonna be dark." "Well so true." "So true." "My friends, let's freshen up those drinks." "Make sure you treat these boys right." "Oh sweet Jesus, hallelujah." "Now we can get across the damn river and find the kid." "Oh come on." "You really think you're gonna get this thing all the way across?" "I'm sure as hell gonna try." "Doc." "Don't waste your breath, Warren." "I'm going after him." "You do what you got to do, but I'm going." "What do you expect us to do?" "Wait for you?" "Do whatever you want." "Then we head West." "Am I the only one that cares that 10K is out there?" "!" "Of course not!" "I'm sorry." "I thought there was a mission that dictated our each and every action, and that anything anything was justifiable in service of the mission." "We take care of each other." "That's how we got this far." "Without that, there is no mission!" "Tell that to Cassandra, Doc." "Or was she expendable?" "He did what he had to do." "Bullshit." "He's a child with a gun who kills anything he doesn't understand." "And let's not forget." "Each and every one of you is expendable." "There's only one piece of precious cargo on this train." "Well, brother." "At least we all know where we stand." "Hey, it's not personal." "Doc." "Are you willing to throw it all away right here?" "Yeah." "Yeah, I am." "We'll head South as far as the Gortner Bridge." "If you're there, we'll regroup." "Otherwise, this is it." "Let's go." "I told you." "I told you Elvis was still alive." "Oh he's alive all right." "And he's kept the weight off too." "Tell him, Renfield." "What's he saying?" "What's he saying?" "Well you don't, nevermind, you don't, I dunno." "Okay, he's talking about this time when we did this thing that happened." "Amazing!" "I can't even believe it." "Well he's hard to believe at this point." "I got so many questions." "How old is Elvis?" "He doesn't look a day over 60." "Give me one reason." "I don't need much." "This world will not miss you." "And you may be skinny, but that wheel can always use another body." "Ain't that right?" "You didn't mind doing the devil's work so long as it suits you." "Luring all those men into your truck." "That all sits right with you?" "We didn't kill those men." "So you can talk now, huh?" "We stole that truck." "We didn't know what was in the back." "We had nothing to do with capturing those zombies." "My friends, they're all right." "They just, they like to tell stories." "That they do." "I hardly know them actually." "I was..." "I was part of a group." "We were transporting "The Murphy" to California." "You've met "The Murphy?"" "Yeah." "What's he like?" "He's a jerk." "But the rest of them, they were good people." "We were trying to save the world." "Where are they now?" "Well we were headed South on the river." "We hit a zombie jam." "I swam ashore, but" "We were headed to the Gortner Bridge." "If they're alive, that's where they'll be." "You think they'll wait for you?" "I know Doc wouldn't leave me." "He'd... he'd think of something." "I had a husband." "Well, second husband actually." "In this world that's all you need, just one other person." "That's reason enough." "He's on that wheel over there." "In purgatory." "I know what it's like to see somebody you care about and know that they need mercy." "But actually doing it" "Well this whole town is wicked." "I came here with two thoughts in my mind." "To release the man I love and put him in his rightful place." "And to watch this town burn." "I wouldn't mind seeing that too." "Hey, Renfield!" "I just found your future ex-wife!" "Oh, I think it's about time we took off." "I need to make a call." "Court is in session." "The honorable judge Escorpion presiding." "These fools stand accused of grand larceny, willful deception and fraud." "In case you were wondering," "I almost broke 80 today." "Not only did you steal from Mr. Burr, you stole from the Zeros." "And you robbed me of the greatest golf game of my life." "How do you feel about that?" "It's disappointing." "Will you be acting as your own counsel?" "Uh," "I will, your honor." "How do each of you plead?" "Guilty." "With an explanation." "Objection." "This man is a liar and a thief." "Overruled." "Damn." "Please continue." "The path to truth, it's not a straight line." "It's squiggly." "One man's truth is another man's fallacy." "And heretofore within" "Bear with me here." "I am reminded of the case of Dred Scott vs the City of Sacramento." "We all remember that one, right?" "I mean, who doesn't?" "Or" "Terry Bradshaw vs the State of Oklahoma?" "Hello?" "Ring a bell?" "Objection!" "Stop interrupting." "See, it's not my job to educate you on legal precedents." "That could take all day." "But it is my job to illustrate just how the accusers have attempted to defame and slander myself and my clients by executing some kind of fancy flea flicker on the fine citizens of this great town." "I don't believe in the hidden ball trick." "Like these guys." "Now if I'm going up against an opponent," "I'm going right down the middle." "He's gonna see me coming, by God because I like my steak rare!" "Yeah!" "I like my whiskey straight up!" "Woo!" "I like my cars fast and my women rough!" "I'm an American." "North American." "And I don't apologize for that!" "Yeah." "I put my pants on one leg at a time, thank you very much!" "America!" "Hey, check it out." "You get that thing started?" "I'll give it a shot." "Hey." "Doc!" "I could walk you all through it again." "The time discrepancy, the rates of descent, second shooters, detonation patterns, cellular records, communication towers, multi-layered encryption, all of the damn chem trails in the sky." "I mean have you seen that?" "What is that?" "That's what I'm asking." "Well those are the" "It doesn't matter!" "The point is you're all great people." "You, you're a straight shooter." "You go right from the hip." "You, you're honest to goodness." "You, you're tried and true." "You, salt of the earth." "You, drop dead gorgeous." "What I'm saying here is people," "I wouldn't try to distract you with a bunch of random facts and figures of speech cuz you'd smell a fraud from a mile away." "And I have too much respect for you." "People, people, people." "There's nothing to fear but fear itself." "And in summation," "I'm thinking of the words of the great Clarence Thomas." "If it don't fit, you must acquit." "That's right." "Those men are con artists and thieves!" "And he bit me!" "That was beautiful." "But you're guilty, bro." "Shit." "I want to do you a favor though." "Death by hanging." "We've waited long enough!" "It's time to go!" "Just a minute!" "There's not a lot of people looking out for each other in this world anymore." "But you always did." "So if 10K's out there, he knows that." "But we got to go right now." "And it's not for Murphy." "It's for me." "I need you." "Well, kid." "What can I say?" "I couldn't get to you." "The river's so full of Zs, I damn near drowned." "But I hope you know I tried." "You hang tough, buddy." "I'm gonna miss you." "Love you, kid." "Sorry, Doc." "But he knew what he was getting into." "These man have been convicted of some pretty messed up crimes and even though I like a couple of them, the law is the law." "Mr. Smithson, Mr. Geronimo, Mr. Renfield, you've been found guilty of grand larceny, identity theft, and just generally telling a whole bunch of lies." "Mr. Burr, it's all yours." "Dear, God." "Please watch over these poor souls, whose deviant and wayward paths have led them to this unfortunate conclusion." "We can only hope, oh Lord, that they don't cause as much trouble in hell as they have in this world." "And God, please get the word out that if anybody steals any of my trucks, they're in for a long nap." "Amen!" "Amen." "Let's get this party started." "You have any last words?" "Yes!" "Yes, I have last words." "Ummm, I don't even know where to start." "There's so many people to thank." "I grew up in the high plains." "My daddy was a rancher." "We used to ride bulls, herd cattle," "Sip beer, and breathe in that clean Nebraska air." "I want to thank my mom and my dad and my old girlfriend Sally, who was the first one to let me put my" "Enough of that." "Okay." "It's hanging time." "All right, pull!" "I told you you'd survive anything, you damn cockroach!" "I knew you'd come back for me." "Damn straight." "We should get out of here." "Let's boogie." "Hey, baby." "Let's move!" "10K!" "Come on!" "We got to go!" "Let's go!" "Beat it, kid." "We're not leaving here empty handed." "Come on." "Grab my hand." "Go, man." "We got this." "I'm telling you." "Seriously, we'll be fine." "What are you talking about?" "You guys are goners." "Are you kidding me?" "!" "Hey, don't you know by now, kid?" "We're the two luckiest bastards you ever met." "They're getting close!" "Thank you." "For what?" "We still haven't gotten you laid." "For everything else, then." "Probably shoulda ditched the weapons." "Coulda, shoulda" "You know they got a name for that." "Monday morning quarterback." "Yeah, well if we can't be self-critical, there's no room for self-improvement." "Who said that?" "I did." "Oh." "So I've been thinking" "Not again." "Where to next." "I'm thinking maybe Australia." "They speak English there." "True." "But it's far though." "Yeah." "Yeah, it is." "You ready?" "Sure." "Why not?"