"Bernard." "Minister not in yet?" "He's in his office,having a meeting." "Nothing very important." "I see." "And whatwas that meetingin there yesterday?" "He was just reviewingprocedures for briefing him on answersto Parliamentary questions." "But there were Principals presentand other assorted underlings." "Just the ones who supply himwith the information, actually." "Bernard, this has to be stoppedat once." "Why?" "Lfhe talks to the underlings,he may learn things we don't know." "Ourposition could be undermined." "If it increases ourknowledge..." "It is folly if it's at the expenseof your authority." "Why?" "Bernard, please stop saying why." "Why?" "I mean, could you developthat point please?" "Would you say that the Ministeris starting to run the Department?" "Yes, things are going pretty well,actually." "No, when a Ministeractuallystarts to run his Department things are not going pretty well." "They are actuallygoing prettybadly." "But actually... er..." "I mean, in fact, isn't it the Minister's jobto run the Department?" "No, Bernard, it is ourjob." "Orto be more precise,it is my job, forwhich I've had 25 yearsexperience and training." "Don't you realise whatwouldhappen if the Ministerruns it?" "No, what?" "First, there would be chaos,naturally." "And second,which is much more serious, there would be innovations." "Changes, Bernard." "Public debate." "Outside scrutiny." "Is that what you want?" "Good heavens, no." "But what should he do then?" "A Ministerhas three functions." "First, as an advocate, making the Department's actionsseem plausible to Parliament and public,he is ourpublic relations man." "Second, he is ourmanin Westminster, steering our legislationthrough Parliament." "And third, he is ourbreadwinner." "He has to fight in Cabinetforthe money we need to run our Department." "But, he is not here to reviewdepartmental procedures with Principalsand Assistant Secretaries." "But ifhe's go the time." "Why has he got the time?" "He shouldn't." "That's yourfault, Bernard!" "You must ensurehe hasn't got the time." "Create activity, Bernard!" "He should be makingspeeches, visits." "We need deputations,junkets abroad, mountains of red boxes, we needcrises, emergencies, panics!" "Pull yourself together, Bernard." "Yes, but..." "You leave spaces in his diary?" "No, he makes those." "Fill them up." "He won't let me." "Don't ask him." "Do it." "Make sure he spends more timewhere he can't do any damage." "But where?" "The House of Commons, for instance." "I really do try my best." "There's a deputation in there." "What is it about, Bernard?" "Somethingcompletely trivial,preserving badgers inWarwickshire." "Well done, Bernard." "Why didn't you tell me thiswhen I asked you before?" "Actually, I thoughtitwas rathertrivial." "I didn't thinkyou would approve, actually." "Bernard." "I'll try and find some morethreatened species then, shall I?" "You may not have to look veryfar." "Secretaries who can't occupy theirMinisters are a threatened species," "actually." "We have a sacred trustto preserve ournatural heritage." "That's what this new legislationis designed to ensure." "As I said in the House,the system simply isn'tworking." "It's a hotchpotch." "Local authorities,tourist authorities, national parks,countryside commision, C.P.R.E." "Nobody knows where they are,nothing gets done." "They're all back bitingand buck passing." "You knowwhat committees are like." "We are a committee." "Yes." "I didn't meanyoursort of committee." "But this new legislation isdesigned to create clearauthority, and save a great dealof public money." "You ought to welcome it." "But what about Hayward's Spinney?" "Afew very small areas will losetheirspecially protected status, because it isn't economicalany longer, to maintain themas they ought to." "Hayward's Spinney isa vital part of ourheritage." "The badgers have dwelt thereforgenerations." "Can you be sure of that?" "It said so in The Guardian." "Ah, well..." "Actually it says that the badgershave dwelt there forgenerations!" "Howwould you feel if you had a lot of office blocksbuilt overyourgarden by a lot of giant badgers?" "But a lot of office blocks... giant badgers?" "There's nothing specialabout man, Mr. Hacker." "We're not above nature." "We're all a part of it." "Men are animals too, you know." "Yes, I've just come fromthe House of Commons." "Sorry, Minister, you are dueforyournext appoinment." "Oh, what a pity." "Thank you forputtingyourcase so persuasively." "It's been a pleasure." "Left at the corridorand down the stairs." "But whatwill you do about it?" "All views will be takeninto consideration." "Now if you'll excuse me..." "Very polished performance." "Gracious." "And said nothing." "Very professional." "Why wasn't I warned?" "About what?" "That unifying the administration would remove protected statusfrom this beaverwhatsit?" "Badgercolony." "Hayward'sSpinney, East Warwickshire." "Somebodymust have know about it." "If somebody did happen to know, they wouldn't necessarily knowthat you wanted to know what they happened to know,in case..." "Ah!" "Sir Humphrey!" "Humphrey!" "Good morning, Minister." "Is it yourjob to help Ministersmake fools of themselves?" "I have nevermet onethat needed any help." "No, it is the last thing..." "Why did you encourage me to saythat unifying the administration meant no loss of amenity,when I've signed a death warrant fora whole army ofbeavers?" "Badgers, Minister." "What?" "Beavers would have a navy." "Why did you let me do it?" "I did not encourage you to say that." "You did!" "The Department prepared this." ""No loss of amenity", it says." "No." ""No significant loss of amenity".Same thing." "There's all the differencein the world." "Almost anything can be attackedas a "loss of amenity", and be defended as"not a significant loss of amenity"." "One should appreciatethe significance of"significant"." "Well, be that as it may, any publicity would bevery damaging." "Oh, I think not." "But if there is a loss of amenity..." "If you'd approve this release,you would see that it does counterall theirarguments." "It points out that the spinneyis deregistered, not threatened." "Badgers are very plentifulall overWarwickshire." "And it points out the connection between Badgersand brucellosis." ""Cannot be regardedas a significant loss of amenity"." "So this might not getinto the National Press?" "Afew lines on The Guardian." "Nothing to worry about." "Only the urban middle classworry about the preservation of the countryside,because they don't live in it." "Would that be all, Minister?" "Yes!" "No, this may well blow over, but it doesn't answermy basic question." "Which was?" "Why wasn't I told about it?" "There are those who have arguedand indeed cogently that on occasionthere are some things it is betterfora Ministernot to know." "What are you talking about?" "Minister, youranswersin the House and at the Press Conferencewere superb." "You were convincing." "The critics were silenced." "But could you have spokenwith the same authority if the ecological pressure grouphad been badgering you?" "But I have a right to know!" "I am the people's representative!" "What right have you gotto withhold this information?" "It's in yourown best interests." "What do you mean?" "It's outrageous!" "It must not occuragain." "I've a plan forthe reorganisingof this Department which would ensurethat it doesn't." "Indeed?" "Yes, indeed." "If I had one undersecretary and two Assistant Secretariesreporting to me..." "Minister." "Please!" "Let me tell you my plan." "The plan is immaterial." "Minister, I havesomething to say to you which you may notlike to hear." "Why should today beany different?" "Minister, the traditional allocationof executive responsabilities has always been so determinedas to liberate the ministerial incumbentfrom the administrative minutiae by devolvingthe managerial functions to those whose qualificationshave betterformed them forthe performance of suchhumble offices, thereby releasing theirpolitical overlordsforthe more onerous duties" "and deliberations which arethe inevitable concomitant of theirexalted position." "What made you thinkI wouldn'twant to hearthat?" "I thought it might upset you." "How could it?" "I didn't understand a single word." "Foronce in your life,put it into plain English." "If you insist." "You are not hereto run this Department." "I beg yourpardon?" "You are not hereto run this Department." "I think I am." "The people think I am, too." "With respect Minister,you are... they are wrong." "And who does runthis Department?" "I do." "Oh, I see..." "What am I supposed to do?" "We've been through all this." "Make policy." "Get legislation enacted." "And above all securethe Department's budget in Cabinet." "It seems the budgetis all you care about." "It is rather important." "We might end upwith a department so small that even a Ministercould run it." "Are we to have a disagreementabout the nature of democracy?" "No, Minister, merelya demarcation dispute." "What I meanis that the menial chore of running a departmentis beneath you." "You're fashionedfora noblercalling." "Well, I leavethe routine paperwork to you but I must insist on direct accessto all information." "Neveragain"There are some things it is betterfora Ministernot to know"." "Well, Minister..." "That is an order, Humphrey!" "As you say, Minister." "If that is what you really want." "It's treating Cabinet Ministersas if they were ten yearolds." "Afternoon." "Finished with The Guardian?" "Yes." "I haven't gotthe Socialist Workerforyou." "Daddy's pleased to see you downforbreakfast?" "He hasn't seen you fora while..." "I was having a lie-in." "Betterthan a sit-in, I suppose." "Why were you so latelast night?" "There are some things it's betterfora fathernot to know." "Don't you start!" "What?" "Nothing, nothing." "I was outwith the Trots." "Gosh..." "Are you going to see a doctor?" "The Trotskyites!" "Oh, a Trotskyite now are you?" "No." "Peter is." "Peter?" "Yes, Peter." "You've only met himabout 15 times." "Oh, is he the one with the... and the..." "Yes." "Jim, I need yourhelp today." "Whatwith?" "Shopping, the kitchen plughole'sblocked, the lawn needs mowing." "I've got all these boxes to do." "They can wait." "Annie, I am a Cabinet Minister." "A memberof Her Majesty's Government." "It's a fairly important job." "But you have 23.000 civil servantsto help you, I haven't." "Play with yourmemos later,the drains need fixing now." "Oh, Lucy!" "You've got marmaladeall overmy cabinet papers." "Oh, God." "Now I've got butteron them." "Get a cloth." "Get it yourself." "Lucy." "You're not in Whitehall now." ""Yes, Minister", "Certainly","Just as you say"." ""May I lick yourboots, Minister?"" "That's not fair." "Those Civil Servants may bealways kowtowing to Daddy, but they nevertakeany notice ofhim." "I've justwon a victoryin my Department." "Look at all those boxes." "That's what I mean." "You were better, now they'vedone a snow job on you again." "Not at all, I asked forall this." "Why?" "Humphrey said,"There are some things it's betterfora Ministernot to know"." "He's witholding things forme,probably important things." "So I have insisted that I am toldeverything that goes on." "How did you get to bea Cabinet Minister?" "You're such a clot." "What?" "Don't you see?" "You've playedright into Humphrey's hands." "An open invitation to swamp youwith useless information." "I don't think so." "What's in that box,for instance?" "Technical reports,feasibility studies, past papersof assorted committees, stationery requisitions..." "Oh, damnation." "You can'twin." "It's Catch 22, isn't it?" "So little informationyou don't know the facts, orso much you can't find them." "They've got yougoing and coming." "There's a story about you here." "I've read it." ""Hacker, The Badger Butcher".Daddy's read it." "What's all this then?" "Lot of rubbish." ""Hackeradmitted that removingprotected status from Hayward's Spinney meanthe end of the badgercolony"." ""A spokesman forthe Preservationof British Wildlife said:" ""Hackerhas signedthe badger's death warrant"." "One:" "I am not a babgerb... badgerbutcher..." "Whatever it is." "Two:" "Badgers are notan endangered species." "Three:" "The removalof protected status does not meanall the badgers will be shot." "And four:" "If a fewbadgersdie forthe sake of a masterplan thatwill saveBritain's natural heritage, tough." "A masterplan, mein F黨rer." "The end justifies the means?" "Lucy..." "It's because badgers can't vote." "Lfbadgers had votes, youwouldn't be exterminating them." "You'd be at Hayward's Spinney,shaking paws, and kissing cubs..." "Ingratiating yourselfthe way you always do." "Not a nice thing to say." "It's true, isn't it?" "Yes, but Daddy's in politics." "He has to be ingratiating." "Thank you very much." "It's got to be stopped." "The decision has been taken." "I'm going to stop it." "Quite simple, get yourselfadopted as a candidate, win a general election,serve on the back benches, become a Ministerand repeal the act." "The badgers might begetting on a bit by then." "Assistant Secretariesreporting to the Minister!" "I know." "Does he thinkhe is a civil servant?" "The arroganceof these politicians!" "Ah, Bernard." "Thank you." "Yes." "Yes." "Yes." "Yes." "Yes." "Fine." "You can show that last oneto the Minister." "He'll be quiet fora bit." "Is something the matter?" "Well, it's just that..." "I've been increasinglyworried about keeping things backfrom the Minister." "Shall I..." "No, no, no." "What do you mean?" "Why shouldn't he be allowedto know things ifhe wants to?" "Silly Boy!" "Bernard, this country is governedby Ministers making decisions from the variousalternative proposals thatwe offerthem, is it not?" "Oh, yes." "Well..." "If they had all the facts, they'd see all sortsof otherpossibilities." "They might even formulatetheirown plans instead of choosing betweenthe ones thatwe put up." "Would that matter?" "Would it matter!" "But why?" "As long as we can formulateourown proposals, we can guide themto the correct decision." "Can we?" "How?" "It's like a conjuror." "The Three Card Trick." ""Take any card", they pickthe one that you intend." "Ours is the fourword trick." "There are fourwords if you wanta Ministerto accept a proposal." "Quick." "Simple." "Popular." "Cheap." "And there are fourwordsfora proposal if you want it thrown out." "Complicated." "Lengthy." "Expensive." "Controversial." "And to be really surethe Ministerdoesn't accept it, you say the decisionis courageous." "Worse than "controversial"." ""Controversial" means"this'll lose yourvotes"." ""Courageous" means"this will lose you the election"." "You see, if they have all the factsinstead of just the options they might start thinkingforthemselves!" "And the system works?" "Works?" "It's made Britainwhat she is today." "Oh, yes." "I see." "Yes." "What about yourman?" "I'm giving him plenty to read." "Shouldn't you showhim the positive virtuesofbeing kept ignorant?" "Lfhe doesn't know thatafter 20 years as a politician..." "You look worried, Bernard." "I've just found this letter." "I don't knowif I should open it." "You know the rules." "Private secretaries shall openall classifications up to Top Secret." "Only letters marked "personal"shall remain unopened, unless the Ministerorders otherwise." "What about Daddy?" "Where does yourfathercome into this?" "No." "To "Daddy". "Urgent"." "Does it say"Personal"?" "No." "Well then, it must be opened." "It's from the Minister's daughter." "You astound me." "Trouble at the mill." "Miss Hackerwill jointhe badgerprotest." "I thought itwas over." "She and herboyfriend." "A 24 hour"Save the badgers"vigil in Hayward's Spinney unless protection is restored." "And they announcing itto the press at 5.00 p. m." ""Minister's daughterin badgerprotest vigil"." "A little embarrassing,but not too serious." "The Ministerwill bemore than a little embarrassed." ""Minister's daughter in nudebadgerprotest vigil"." "What!" "Miss Hackerand herboyfriend will be... that is, will not not be..." "I mean..." "Do you mean starkers, Bernard?" "Yes, Sir Humphrey." "A different complexion on it." "Especially in this weather." "Put in crude journalistic terms,this makes it a big story." "Front page: with photograph." "Hello, Humphrey." "Something the matter?" "Well?" "Shall we say a slightembarrassment, Minister?" "How slight?" "Withoutwishing in any senseto overstate the case orcause undue alarm,nevertheless, the fact remains..." "Come on!" "Outwith it." "I have a confession to make." "That's a change." "Well, come on, Humphrey,make a clean breast of it." "Not the happiest of phrasesunderthe circumstances." "How do you mean?" "I have to confessthat the badgers may be a somewhat biggerstorythan we thought." "Don't tell methey're going to have kittens." "It is not the badgerswho are going to have kittens." "There'll be a 24 hourprotest vigilin Hayward's Spinney." "Thatwouldn't be newsworthy." "This is slightly different." "It's to be conducted... by a girl studentand herboyfriend." "Just the two of them?" "Yes." "They don't matter." "A pairof layabouts." "They might matterto some people." "Nonsense." "These students arejust exhibitionists." "In this case they havesomething to exhibit." "How do you mean?" "It's to be a nude protest vigil." "I see." "Thatwould make the front pages!" "Yes, quite so." "The press just mustn't find out." "I don't knowwhat gets into these students." "It's appalling." "They're shameless." "Indeed, Minister." "It's theirparents." "They don't bring them upproperly." "Just let them run wildand feed them all this antiestablishmentnonsense." "Perhaps it isn't entirelythe parents fault." "Of course it is!" "Authority, Humphrey." "All this is an indictment of theirparent's lackof discipline." "So they just take it outon innocent people like me." "Who are they?" "We know the young lady's name." "Lady!" "Who is she?" "It seems she's a Miss Hacker." "Hacker... oh, that's my name." "That's a coincidence." "Not a complete coincidence." "Not... not Lucy?" "Oh, my God!" "Oh, my God!" "She will be telephoningin ten minutes time." "Perhaps the press won't beall that interested?" "No, no..." "Butwill they go all the wayup to Warwickshire?" "Fora story like this, they'll go all the wayto the South Pole." "This story must be killed." "Advise me, Humphrey." "What abouta little parental discipline?" "Don't be silly." "Make her listen to reason." "She's a sociology student." "Perhaps Mrs. Hackercould lock her in herroom?" "Annie's out atwork." "What about the police?" ""Ministersets policeon nude daughter"." "I'm not sure that completelykills the story." "There must be something." "Perhaps if I look at the files..." "My daughter's about to getpage one of the Sun, and probably page three,and you just think of the files." "Nevertheless..." "They're all out there." "What angle they'll take?" "Wide angle." "Oppositionwill have fun with this." ""Does the proud fatherwish to make a statement?"." ""Is the Hackerfamily gettingtoo much exposure?"." ""Is the Ministertryingto conduct a coverup?"." ""Does he run his Departmentbetterthan his family?"." "You'd like me to tell themthat Humphrey runs it?" "No, of course not." "I am your Private Secretary." "Do you meanthat when the chips are down, you're on my side,not Humphrey's?" "Minister, it's my job to seethe chips stay up." "Hello?" "Can I speak to Mr. Hacker?" "It's his daughter." "It's foryou, Minister." "Lucy." "Hello, darling." "Hello, Daddy." "I got yournote." "Fora momenti thought itwas serious." "It is serious." "It's deadly serious." "Pete and I are just goingto ring the press, then we're off to the Spinney." "Don't do that!" "Think of the damage." "What damage?" "Well... to me." "To you?" "Isn't that typical?" "What about damageto badgers?" "You're not goingto be exterminated." "Well, in a sense, yes." "Then you knowwhat to do." "Ten..." "Look..." "Look..." "Nine..." "Lucy, don't..." "Eight..." "Lucy!" "If I could have a wordwith the young lady." "Sir Humphrey Applebywants a word with you." "A new development." "Six... five..." "Miss Hacker..." "Ah, how do you do?" "Humphrey Appleby here." "Mr. Hacker's Permanent Secretary." "Five and holding." "If I could just have a word." "I have just seen the latest report from the Government's inspectors, which throws new lighton the issue." "Why?" "Apparently there isno badgercolony in Spinney." "Now, it says here" ""Last evidence ofbadgerdroppings, freshly turned earth was recordedeleven years ago"." "But the papers..." "Apparently the story was fedto them by a property developer." "Property developer?" "Yes." "The Council has plans to use the spinneyfora new Collegeof Further Education, and the developerwants itforoffices and luxuryflats." "Well, if it's protectedhe won't be able to." "And, norwill the Council." "And he knows they'll usethe moneyforsomething else, then he can establishthat there's no badgercolony, get the protection orderremovedand build his offices." "It's common practice." "So there isn't any wildlifein the spinney at all?" "Well, there is some." "It's been used as a rubbish dump by people from Wootton Wawen,so there're lots of rats." "Rats?" "Yes." "Several thousand, actually." "They are wildlife too,in theirway, aren't they?" "Itwould be a pity to playinto the developer's hands." "Yes, I suppose itwould." "Yes, I very much respectyourviews and yourcommitment." "Would you like to speakto the Minister?" "No, that's all right." "Oh, well." "Forget it then." "Humphrey!" "I take it all back!" "Itwas nothing, Minister." "Itwas all in the files." "A property developer!" "The cunning devils..." "Let me look at the file!" "I don't thinkyou'd find them interesting." "Let me have a look." "No, I don't think you'd..." "Humphrey!" "Itwas true, wasn't it?" "Was there one word of truthing that whole story you told to Lucy?" "Do you really want meto answerthat question?" "No." "I don't think I do." "Quite so." "Perhaps there're some thingsit is betterfora Ministernot to know."