"" " Subtitle FPS=23,976" " Edited by DivXTurk v.1.5.4.23 -\\" "( theme music playing )" "my name is rene." "this is my cafe, but at the moment my life is one big problem." "you see, i have to be nice to the germans." "they are my customers." "they are winning the war." "so if i am not nice to them, they will shoot me." "i have to be nice to the resistance." "otherwise, they will shoot him for being nice to the germans." "i have to be nice to my wife, because if she finds out i'm having an affair with yvette, she will shoot me." "and if yvette finds out i'm having an affair with maria, well, she will shoot me too." "now, otto flick, the gestapo officer, is having dinner in the back room." "upstairs are two german officers in their underwear, because i have borrowed their uniforms to help two british airmen to escape." "the pianist over there is, in fact, a forger for the marquis." "and the german officer at that table fancies me." "and it is only tuesday." "rene, the colonel is getting very impatient." "you promised you would have his uniform back in 15 minutes, it is now 45." "take his mind off it, keep him amused." "how can i?" "look at my celery." "maria, can't you entertain him?" "how can i?" "my celery isn't even good enough for soup." "rene, herr flick of the gestapo is paying his bill." " herr flick says he is going to search the building." " what?" "he will find the painting of the fallen madonna by van clomp in the cellar." "no, the painting has gone." "but so too have the uniforms of the colonel and your captain." "if they find the colonel and captain in their underwear, this could make the gestapo suspicious." "helga, you must keep herr flick amused." "amusing the gestapo is very serious business." "surely you can think of something?" "i have it." "give me a large glass of your strongest brandy." "of course, at once." "you have 10 minutes." "make it five." "we must hide the german officers quickly." "take them to the room of my mother." "maria, go and tell the officers." "i will explain to the old girl." " ( banging ) - rene, edith... can nobody hear me-eee?" "shut up, you old bat." "this place is crawling with the gestapo." "i shall tell them nothing." "now, listen carefully to what i have to say." "two german officers are coming to your room." "( spits ) pigs!" "i will fight them to my dying breath." "they have already taken off their uniforms." "have you no finesse?" "they will not touch you, mamma." "( laughs ) that is what they said in 1917." "quick, get in the wardrobe." "if i do not have my uniform in 10 minutes, you will be shot." "but colonel, your revolver is on the belt of the uniform, which is around the waist of the british airman who is not here." " get in the wardrobe!" " mind your head." "rene, he is searching the restaurant, and then he is on his way up here." "who is?" "otto flick of the gestapo." " gestapo!" " gestapo!" "not a word." "the gestapo are coming!" "if they find the germans in the wardrobe, i could be shot." "i shall not yield to the torture of the gestapo, long live fraaa-aaance!" "shut up!" "herr otto flick!" "good evening." "good evening, herr flick." "i am sorry to put you to inconvenience, but there are certain things i need to know." "there are two german officers in the wardrobe, and the radio is under my bed." "very amusing." "i see i am wasting my time here." "hell hitler." "hell hitler." "i will take the cognac to the german officers in the room of my mother." "if they do not get their uniforms soon, they will go mad!" "go with her yvette, she is under a great strain." "rene, when are we going to be alone?" "go to the pantry, wait for me by the brie." "keep the-- keep the lid on until i arrive." "check the window." "all clear." "put that chair at the back of the door." "now climb on the chair." " oh, maria!" " oh, rene!" "my little cabbage, my little beanshoot!" "my big cucumber." "you have no idea what the feel of your firm young body does to me." "yes, i have." "hold me forever." "( both moaning ) what were you saying to yvette?" "nothing!" "nothing, nothing." "no, she is nothing to me." "you are my only true love." "but how long can we keep our affair secret from your wife?" "as long as my hearing is good, and my reactions are quick." "( knocking ) someone at the window." "yes, i heard." "but these cowardly old legs of mine are paralyzed with fear." "i shall see who it is." "huh?" "oh." "you know, the velvet is wearing." "we shall have to start using another chair soon." "it is the resistance." "michelle, why are you here?" "listen very carefully, i shall say this only once." "rene... there is no brie." "i ate it last night." "listen, i shall say this only once-- rene... the german officers cannot stay in the room of my mother." "london will be calling on the radio." "the radio is under her bed and the loudspeaker is in her chamber." "if the germans hear a voice coming from her chamberpot, our cover will be blown." "shut up!" "michelle has something to tell us." "listen very carefully, i shall say this only once." "what is it you are going to say?" "i haven't said it yet." "if you listen, i will tell you." "the suspense is killing me." "the two british airmen wearing the german uniforms have been captured." "no!" "yes!" "no!" "yes!" " no!" " yes!" "will nobody believe this woman?" "get on with the story." "they have been captured by the resistance." "then why are we worried?" "they have not been captured by our resistance." "what other resistance is there?" "the communist resistance." "what are you?" " de gaulle." " de gaulle?" "he is the tall one." "with the big hooter." "but can you not just ask them if we can have our uniforms back?" "we do not know where they are hiding them." "what is more, we do not speak to them." "when the war is over, whichever is the strongest group will control france." "the communists are ruthless killers." "we will have to eliminate them." "we cannot get those germans out of here without uniforms." "the uniforms are no problem." "london can do anything." "i cannot tell the germans i'm in touch with london." "they will have me shot!" "we could tell them monsieur leclerc, the forger, is a tailor, and he is going to make them new uniforms." "rene, you are married to a very clever woman." "well, i have always preferred brains to beauty." "unless they have big knockers." "go and tell leclerc." "look, how can we get uniforms from london?" "the wireless is under the bed and the germans are in the wardrobe." "this is no problem." "we will send the message by pigeon." "we have no pigeons!" "they will be provided." "tomorrow morning at midday, you will go to 36 rue d'escargot." "you will knock three times, and they will give you pigeons." "to avoid suspicion, you will be disguised as a small boy." "but why can't i be disguised as a small girl?" "because you are a small girl." "you know what to do?" "yes, yes." "of course." "i am to pretend i am a tailor." "but who do i measure?" "two german officers." "they are in the room of my mother, in the wardrobe, in their underwear." "of course." "i have come for the measurements." "rene, edith!" "is it the undertaker?" "!" "and i am in the peak of health." "that voice... that face... do these old eyes deceive me?" "can it be, after all these years?" "my... fanny!" "can it be?" "it is. roger." "my old sweetheart, roger." "fanny!" " roger!" " fanny!" "after all these years." "where have you been?" "in the nick, my love, in the nick." "and now fate has brought us together." "remember when we were young?" "you used to run your fingers through my lovely long hair." "remember you always used to bite my ear?" "i remember." "where did i put my teeth?" "that is the barn, there." "is that where they are hiding them?" "without a doubt." "we must get those uniforms." "so we have to attack." "now, listen very carefully, i shall say this only once." "( french accent ) right, listen to me, my friends." "unless you tell us what we want to know, i will make life very uncomfortable for you." "( british accent ) what's she talking about, do you suppose?" "i've actually no idea." "the problem is, i do believe they think we're jerries." "both:" "not jerries!" "in disguise." "on your side." "show them the magneto and the leads." "perhaps you recognize this method of loosening the tongue?" " i think i've got it, carstairs." " what is it?" "they've got a car that won't start, and they want us to help them." "unfortunately, i know nothing about cars." "neither do i." "sorry, can't help." "she seems damn keen to get it going." "you have five minutes to talk, otherwise, i will shoot you." "if we don't get it going, she's going to shoot herself." "well, that'd be a damned shame." "such a pretty girl." "we'd better agree to do what we can." "we'll do what we can." "i thought so, they are prepared to talk." "cut them down." "( both shriek ) ready?" "take aim." "fire!" "quick!" "it's the germans!" "out the back way." "i think we'd better take a powder, carstairs." "if that's the jerries, we could be shot as spies." "we'd better get rid of these uniforms." "shove them on the fire." "cease fire." "they are running for it." "they think we are germans." "get to the bridge." "we will cut them off there." "i thought they were on our side?" "( off-key ) ♪ hear my song ♪" "♪ in my gondola-aaa ♪" "♪ waiting on the-- ♪" "♪ old lagoo-oon. ♪" "rene, the german officers will wait no longer." "they are coming downstairs." "in their underwear?" "!" "no, they have changed, look." "where did they get those clothes?" "from the wardrobe in the room of your wife's mother." "they are the disguises left by the british airmen." "ah, pierre and jacques, the onion sellers." "wine on the house for my old friends, pierre and jacques." "come and sit down over here, my friends." "that's it." "sit very comfortably here." "that is it, a brilliant disguise, colonel." "we'll have your uniforms back as soon as possible." "you said that yesterday!" "if we do not get the uniforms today, you will be shot!" "up against a wall, with guns." "but i see you are a man of compassion." "even as you say these words there are tears in your eyes." "it's these damned onions!" "ah!" "ah... little george, my nephew." "well, it's good to see you again, lad." "i have what you want right in here." "y-yeah. good boy, good boy." "now take that basket full of your school books, and put it in the back room." "for you, uncle, anything." "ooh!" "heh heh." "that boy is very well built." "yeah, it is my wife's cooking." "why is he wearing stockings and suspenders?" "we have many problems with him." "otto flick of the gestapo is meeting me here for lunch." "you must go at once!" "rene:" "too late, here he is." "ah, helga, you are here early." "that is good." "you told me not to be late!" "your obedience pleases me." " sit!" " yes, herr flick." "where?" "here." "you!" "french peasants!" "i am the gestapo." "i want this table." "go away or you will be shot." "we could take that table." "helga... when i make up my mind i want something, i always get it." "this i know, herr flick." "it is why i find you so exciting." "naturally." "you french peasants, i am speaking to you." "look at me!" "colonel von strohm and captain geering." "hell hitler." "klup!" "why are you dressed in the fashion of onion sellers?" " we can explain." " we can explain." "i'm waiting." "he's waiting." "i am trying to infiltrate the resistance." "i am doing the same as he is." "dressed as a colonel, the french avoid me." "but with these onions, i am one of them." "i am one of them too." "i must admit, you look like one of them." "( clears throat ) i could not help overhearing this conversation-- this has got nothing to do with you!" "go and drink your cognac." "this is an idea worthy of the gestapo." "helga, come with me." "yes, herr flick." "colonel, do you think he suspects anything?" "not at the moment." "but we must have those uniforms." "well, there is a slight problem, colonel." "what problem?" "you have our measurements." "all we need is a fitting." "yes, well, that too would be a problem." " you see, the uniforms are being made in london." " both: what?" "!" "don't worry. they'll be made by the very best tailors." "maybe even savile row." "colonel, we are germans!" "to have our uniforms made in london must be against the rules." "right. that does it!" "i will tell the gestapo and you will be shot!" "ah, but dear colonel, with respect, i am afraid you are in too deep." "there is the little matter of helping the british airmen to escape." "you did do that, colonel." "then there is the priceless painting of the fallen madonna by van clomp, which is wanted by the fuhrer." "you did pinch that, colonel." "you're in it just as deep as i am." "i only follow orders, your orders!" "dear lovely colonel, there is no real reason to worry." "very soon you will have your uniforms back, and the copy of the painting to give to the gestapo, to please the fuhrer. eh?" "the girls will be here with the wet celery, and life will be back to normal." "he is right, colonel." "he'd better be." "this war is getting very dangerous." "i will ask my wife to prepare for you a very special lunch." "edith... we must keep those onion sellers happy." "shall i sing a song for them?" "no!" "i want you to go into the kitchen and do something unforgettable." "rene, you have not said that to me since april 1940." "oh!" "maria, i am very cross with you." "shall i get on the chair?" "no!" "what are these-- doing here, hmm?" "they're suspenders to keep up my stockings." "gentlemen do not wear suspenders and stockings." "you should see the colonel on a good night." "you nearly gave away the whole game." "now take those pigeons and hide them." "and for heaven's sake, put on a dress." "the german lieutenant thinks i'm like that-  you, of all people?" " yes." " don't move." " aah!" "lock the door." "are we alone?" "well, unless you count the three of us, yes." "have you found the british with the uniforms?" "we found them, but they ran away." " do you have the pigeons?" " yes." "good, i have here the cylinder to attach to their legs." "do you have the measurements of the german officers?" "oh, yes." "i've got them here." "good. maria you will put this in here and clip it to the leg of one of the pigeons." "you, rene, will write a description of the uniforms we require." "here is the paper supplied with the cylinder." "what shall i say?" ""to london, please supply urgently, by parachute drop at your earliest convenience, german uniforms as follows:" "one colonel in research regiment" " with the following medals..." " ju-- ju-- just-- a moment, please!" "how am i supposed to get all that on this little bit of paper?" "with very small writing." "do you know, if you had found those british, we could have got the uniforms back?" "we wouldn't have to go through all this farrago." "( knocking )" " hello." " hello." "sorry about the togs, we had to pinch them off a couple of scarecrows." "never mind that chaps, what about the uniforms?" "we burned them." "we didn't want to be thought as spies." "the painting's safe though." "what are they jabbering about?" "they have the picture, but they have burned the uniforms." "oh, heck." "well, they cannot stay here." "germans are everywhere." "you will have to find somewhere." "there is only the room of my wife's mother." "and the german colonel and captain are hiding there." "oh, no, no." "they are now in the restaurant disguised as onion sellers." "then we don't have to send the message by the pigeon." "we can use the radio." "what shall i do with these?" "hide them." "come, please." "hello mamma, it is i, little edith." "what are you doing in the bed of my mother?" "uh, well... we were childhood sweethearts." "she was my love, but i thought i had lost it." "and now, once again, he has found it." "this could only happen in france." "here is your soup." "mamma, i-- what is the forger, who is pretending to be a tailor, doing in bed with your mother?" "he's an old lover." "isn't it romantic?" "rheumatic, i would say." "now listen to me, for a very brief period you must accommodate these two british airmen." "these togs have a frightful pong, could you hang them on a line or something?" "they take off their clothes!" "they are no better than the germans." "protect me!" " the radio." " oh, yes." "come on, chaps, lend a hand, lift the bed." "oh, right-o." "aarghh!" "the soup!" " hold this!" " oh, thank you, very much." "you have this." "i say, they can't have much confidence in the soup." "'allo, 'allo, this is nighthawk." "are you receiving me?" "over." "these are my private quarters." "i have had it made completely soundproofed." "i can guess why." "yes, the noise of the lorries was keeping me awake at night." "this is my godfather, heinrich himmler." "that one is me in the hitler youth." "your knees are very beautiful." "that's why i joined." "i, too, was in the hitler youth." "we are two of a kind." "you may kiss me." "that gave me great pleasure." "this room has a very exciting atmosphere." "do you interrogate people here?" "well, just a little bit." "i have to keep up appearances." "berlin expects this sort of thing." "but as you know..." "i am a softie at heart." "sit in that chair." "yes, herr flick." "i want some information from you." "( gasp ) i will tell you anything, herr flick, anything!" "the colonel and the captain... do you think they know the whereabouts of "the fallen madonna" by van clomp?" "i am sure they do not." "good, we will have some wine." "go to that cupboard." "yes, herr flick." "open it." "yes, herr flick." "from time to time, it is necessary for the gestapo to have many disguises." "bring me the two hangers on the extreme right." "yes, herr flick." "these are the clothes of onion sellers." "we will disguise ourselves and return to the cafe." "do you think they will fit?" "there's only one way to find out." "take off your uniform." "yes, herr flick." "we will observe the normal proprieties." "i will change behind this screen." "continue to take off your uniform." "herr flick, i hope you do not disapprove of my choice of undergarments." "not at all." "such things are very popular in berlin these days." "you know, colonel, it is quite pleasant to be a french onion seller." "people smile at us." "mmm. especially that german officer over there." "hello." "i prefer-- i think i prefer being a peasant to being a german." "you'll be a dead peasant if herr flick finds out we've been helping british airmen to escape." "i have good news, colonel." "london is making your uniforms." "they are working through the night and they will be dropped by parachute at dawn tomorrow." "but how do we know they will fit?" "they are being made by the very best savile row tailors, solomon and klein." "jewish tailors?" "!" "are you mad?" "they are the best, herr colonel." "that's not the point, hans." "it's the principle of the thing." "if i had known they were employing jewish tailors, things would have been different." "we could have ordered some extra shirts." "your lunch will soon be ready." "what is it?" "gefilte fish and bagels?" "( laughs ) no, it is a surprise." "how much longer do we have to wait?" "shall i sing you a song to help pass the time?" "no!" "get back to the kitchen." "oh my god, more onion sellers." "colonel, it is i, helga." "why are you dressed as an onion seller?" "herr flick will be suspicious." "he is also disguised as an onion seller." "good afternoon, herr patron." "i am just a simple onion seller in search of wine and food." " sit!" " yes, herr onion seller." "i will obtain wine and food at once." "monsieur rene, that onion seller there, is he another cousin?" "oh, very distant, yes." "i'm beginning to recognize your cousins." "they are all..." "very well built." "here it is, a work of art." "casserole of pigeon." "it looks very appetizing." "will you join us?" "i shall be most honored." "breast or leg?" "i like the legs." "i can vouch for the truth of this." "where did you get pigeon?" "they were in a basket in the kitchen." "you fool, they were carrier pigeons!" " no?" " yes!" " no!" " don't start." "there, on the leg, is a cylinder." "it contains the measurements of the colonel." "there is a cylinder attached to the leg of this casseroled pigeon." "uh, uh-- spices, herr f-- they should have been removed." "allow me." "stop!" "i will investigate." "inside the cylinder covered in gravy... there is a piece of paper... with writing on it!" "perhaps it is the recipe?" "or maybe even the name and address of the pigeon?" "clearly it is in code." "this will go at once to berlin to be deciphered by experts." "congratulations, herr colonel, already these disguises are producing results." "rene, what was on that paper?" "what will they discover?" "only that somebody's inside leg measurement is 34, chest 42, and neck 17." "who's that person?" "you, colonel." "it was for the new uniform, but don't worry, your name was not upon it." "suppose they identify it from the measurements?" "colonel, many people have a 42 chest." "even helga, if you include her onions." "what shall we do, hans?" "i think we should eat the pigeons." "hans, you are right!" "rene, the vegetables!" "at once, herr colonel." "( theme music playing )"