"I deliver perfection..." "and don't brag about it!" ":" "D" " It's only a hundred." " Nothing to them." "I said I'd pay it back in six weeks." "Or knock it off your wages." "She said it would be all right." "Poll!" "If he would have said "No" three weeks ago when I asked him," "I could have gotten the money somewhere else." "Ask him this morning." "I've asked him three times, it's embarrassing." "Tell him if he won't let you have it, you'll go." "I've got to have it this weekend." "Well, ask him." "Me and you practically run the bleedin' place for him." "Ah, Polly." "Your paintings brushes." " Thank you, Manuel." " Here." "Your change is 44p." "What's all that?" "I make a Paella, a surprise tonight." "My mother's recipe is mm-mmm." "But does Terry know?" "Perhaps Mr. Fawlty say?" "Anything wrong?" "Nothing you could do anything about." "Are you sure?" "Our 15th wedding anniversary today..." "Guess who's forgotten?" "Oh, no." "I didn't think he'd forget this year." "Not after what happened when he forgot last year." "I shouldn't be so thin-skinned about it." "I'm just cursed with a sensitive nature." "Still that's the way I am." "We all have our cross to bear." "Do you know what poem that's based on, Polly?" " No." " Ode to Joy." "Hello, dear." "Polly, you won't forget to put some more splits in the bar, will you?" "I don't expect Polly will forget, Basil." " Just reminding her, dear." " Oh, were you?" "I thought so, yes." "It sounded like it to me." "You don't have to worry about Polly forgetting anything important." " Don't I?" " No, you don't." "Good." "How splendid." " She doesn't forget things." " Doesn't she?" "Can you remember the last time she did?" "No, but then, my memory isn't very good." "You can say that again." "Can I, dear?" "Thank you." "I've forgotten what it was." "Don't worry, Basil..." "Provided you can remember the things that matter to you." "Do I detect the smell of burning martyr?" "Mr. Fawlty, it's your anniversary!" " Don't let on." " What?" "I'm pretending I've forgotten." "I forgot last year and got flayed for it." "We've got some friends arriving in about 10 minutes for a surprise drinks party." "Manuel's making a special Paella for tonight, got some champagne, but don't tell her I've remembered yet." "Let's let her have a bit of a fume." "Wouldn't it be simpler to boil her in oil?" "Yes, but not as economical." "Hi, Mr. Fawlty, what time for the paella?" "Er... 9:00, but, secret, eh?" "Ah, sí, sí." " Oh, Mr. Fawlty." " Hm-mmm?" "Have you decided about the car?" "The car?" "The money for the car." "I spoke to Mrs. Fawlty." "She said it was all right." "I don't think she quite understands the cash flow situation vis-a-vis the frozen assets..." "It's only 100." "I'd pay you back in six weeks." "Let me think about it." "I've got to know this weekend." "They won't hold it." "This week?" "You should have told me." "I told you three weeks ago." "Look, it's my anniversary." "I've got friends arriving." "We'll discuss it later." "When they get here, give me a hand with the coats and drinks." "I scratch your back, you scratch mine, eh?" "What's this, then?" "Good morning, Mr. Fawlty." "Good morning, ladies." "Could I have a word with you, Basil?" "Could it wait a few minutes, dear?" "No." "Is everything all right?" "You seem a little tense." "Do you know what day it is today, Basil?" "It's the 16th today, dear." "It's the 17th, Basil." "It's the 16th today, dear." "It's the 17th, Basil." "We'll soon settle this." "Oh, yes, you are right." "The 17th of April." "Well, well, well." "Does that stir any memories in you?" "Memories?" "Agincourt?" "What?" "Anniversary of the Battle of Agincourt." "Trafalgar?" "Crecy?" "Poitiers?" "Yom Kippur?" "Crecy?" "Poitiers?" "Yom Kippur?" "Mr. Fawlty, Manuel says he's cooking a paella." "It's for Mrs. Fawlty." "Anniversary..." " I can do paella, you know." " Yes, I know." "I have been to catering school." "Yes, but he is Spanish." "I thought it would be... gazpacho, chicken andaluse, eggplant espagnole," "Franco Fritters, I can do it." "Of course you can." "But he's wanted to do it ever since he got here." "I thought it would be rather nice." "Just tonight." "I don't want to cause trouble." "Yes, you do." "Now, don't you start." "I don't want an argument." " No, please, please!" " Be quiet!" "I've told him I want you to do it." "Mrs. Fawlty, she go!" "What?" "She leave!" "She go out!" "What?" "Sybil?" "Sybil!" "Sybil!" "Sybil, no!" "You don't understand!" "I remembered." "There's a party." "I've invited people over." "It's our anniversary!" "Everything all right?" "Bit of a bump." "Just smoothing it out." "Are we too early?" "Oh, not at all." "Come on in." "They're here!" "What do I say?" "Say she's, um..." ""She's um"...?" "Oh, brilliant!" " Is a surprise party." " Yes!" " She no here..." " Right!" "That is surprise." "Hello, Bas." " Say she's ill!" " She's ill." " What?" " She's ill, Sybil." "What would you like to drink?" " Syb, ill?" " Yes." "What's the matter?" "Did you hear that?" "I said, "Syb-ill"?" " Yes." " Have you got it?" "No, I'm fine." "No, I call her "Syb." so, "Syb-ill."" ""Bas-well."" "Man-well." "What's the matter, Basil?" "What have you done to her, eh?" "Roger!" "She knows my name." "She's been learning it all night." "What's the matter, Basil?" "Nothing." "With Sybil?" "Oh, with Sybil..." "Quite a bit, actually." "Oh, dear." "She's fine." "Absolutely fine." "She's feeling dreadful, but she'll live." "That's what counts in the long run, doesn't it?" "I'll pop up and see her." "You don't want to bother." "Come on, have a drink." "No, you go on." "I'll see you in a minute." "No, Alice." "I wouldn't actually." " Let them have a natter." " No, I mustn't." "She's up there on her own." "I'm sure she'd like a little company." " Uh-huh." " I know I would." "You wouldn't if you looked like her." "She's very swollen up." "She's looks very..." "You know what Sybil's like about her appearance." "Don't be silly." "She won't mind me seeing her." "She would." "I think she would." "It's her anniversary." "She's up there all on her own." "Aghh!" "The old leg, bit of a gyp." "Better have a drink." "Come on through." "Poor Basil." "Let me call her." "What?" "Let me call her from down here and see what she says." "There's the phone." "Come on, Bas." "Let's have a drink." " No, please." " Come on." "Why not?" "She's having a bit of a sleep." "She can sleep all day, Basil." " She won't mind me..." " But she's lost her voice." " Lost her voice?" " Just like that." "Come on." "Coming, Roger." "After you, Alice." "All right, Alice..." "What would you like to drink?" "Gin and it, Basil." "Has the doctor been?" "What's yours, Rog?" "Gin and tonic." "Oh, yes, of course." "Basil, has the doctor been?" "Er..." "Nuts?" "They've had a row." "She's refused to come down." "You were just asking about the doctor?" " Yes." " He hasn't been." "I expect we'll get him over this afternoon." "Well, what a shame." "Poor old Syb." "On your anniversary, too." " Hello, Polly." " Hello, Mrs. Tarry." "Isn't it a shame about Mrs. Fawlty?" "Isn't it?" "The doctor said she's going to be in bed for a couple of days." "The doctor hasn't actually been yet." "I don't know who you were thinking of." "But that man this morning, he looked like a doctor." "He did, actually." "That's true." "But he wasn't, unfortunately." " He wasn't a doctor?" " No, he was a dentist." " A dentist?" " Mm-hmm." "What was a dentist doing here?" "Staying in the hotel." "He's a guest, you see?" "Dentists do stay in hotels." "But they don't go telling people's wives to stay in bed." "He must have been talking about his wife." "His wife?" "Jolly good luck." "Nice to see you both." "Cheers." " Cheers." " Up yours, Basil." "I hope she's better soon." "Yes, yes." "Who, Syb, or the dentist's wife?" "Ha!" "Ha!" "You're both keeping well?" "Couldn't be better." " And you, Basil?" " I can't complain." "I could, but it wouldn't do any good." "No, shame." "On your anniversary." "All comes out in the wash, doesn't it?" "We're thinking of having this room done up." " Really?" " Sort of a Captain's cabin." "Charts on the wall, ropes, wheel in the corner," " That sort of thing." " Give it a bit of class." "Wasn't my idea, Roger." "Poor Sybil." "Hello." "How are you?" "Hello, Basil." "Hello, Virginia." " Happy anniversary." " Thank you." "We've brought you a little surprise." "Oh, can I see?" "Oh, cake?" "Lovely." " Jolly nice." " Did you make it?" "Lots of extra marzipan." "She's not well." " Sybil." " Not well?" "She's in bed." "That's not like Sybil." "She's lost her voice." " What is it?" " We're not absolutely sure." "I bet she'd like a bit of that marzipan." " Roger." " Cheer her up, Bas." "Good idea." "We'll take her up a slice." "I don't think we'd better." "Well, why not?" "She really ought not to be disturbed." " Oh, just a minute, Basil." " It's not a very good idea." "What on earth's the matter with her?" "Has the doctor been?" "No, but the dentist's had a good look." "The dentist?" "We called the doctor." "We described the symptoms to him over the phone." "He said she ought to stay very quiet... ah, Polly." "What would you like to drink, Virginia?" "Medium sherry, please." "Mr. Fawlty...?" "What are the symptoms?" "She's lost her voice and she's very puffed up." "Yes, what is it?" "It's Terry." "He being very difficult." " Puffed up?" " He moved my pot." "He put his pot where my pot is." "Polly, what's "puffed up"?" "Beer for me." "Put your pot somewhere else." "I put it somewhere else, he move it again." "What's puffed up?" "the eyes." "Tell him I said not to do it." " What?" " The eyes." "I tell you he want to make trouble." "He push mop at my feet." " Her thighs." " Thighs?" "Most of her legs, actually." "Just tell him." "Go on." "Basil!" "Polly says her legs are all puffed up." "Are they?" "No, Sybil's." " What?" " Sybil's legs." "Sybil's legs?" "Her thighs." "Oh, yes, just a bit." "A tiny bit." "Mainly around the face..." "Around the eyes." "Her face is puffed up, she's lost her voice, and her legs are a bit..." "Expanded." "Sad, isn't it?" "Poor old sow." "Ha!" "Ha!" "When's the doctor coming?" "Later." "Soon." " When?" " I don't know exactly." "I'd better go up and have a look." "What?" " She sounds ill." " She is ill." "That's why we don't want people talking to her." "I'm not going to talk to her, Basil." "I'm going to look at her." "Look at her?" "She's ill, isn't she?" "What's the bloody point of looking at her?" "I am a nurse, Basil." "Oh, no!" "I know!" "Did you hear that, everyone?" "All the years that I've known old Virginia, she thinks I've forgotten she's a nurse." "You're a marvel." " Please let me go." " Hmm?" "I want to look at Sybil." " Well, you can't." " Why not?" "Because..." "You've lost weight, haven't you?" "Isn't that absolutely marvelous?" "Mr. Fawlty?" "I think you ought to tell them." "Oh." "Right." "About the doctor coming this morning?" "He came this morning." "First thing." "Why didn't you say?" "He didn't want to worry you." "I didn't want to worry you." "Is it serious?" "It might be." "Oh, dear!" "Not completely serious..." "but, slightly serious." "Poor Basil." "It's all right." "I'd just rather we didn't talk about it." "Hello everyone!" "Hello." " Hello, Basil." " Hello, Reg." "Sybil's not here, is she?" "No, no." "I told you so." "I just saw her in town." "What?" "In her car." "In the high street." "N-no, no." "That's another woman." "What other woman?" "That woman who looks slightly like Sybil." "You know her, don't you?" "Like Sybil?" "Yes, very broad here." "She's from the north." "Drives a red maxi?" "Her husband does." "I think she borrowed it." "Perhaps she stole yours?" "It's not out there." "It's in the garage, Rog." " She looks like Sybil?" " Yes." "She comes from the North?" "She has a Northern accent." "I assume she's from the North." "You've spoken to her?" "Mm-hmm." " What's her name?" " I don't know her name!" "I only met her once." "At a fete." "Sorry, Basil, I didn't mean." "No, of course." "By the way, where is Sybil?" " She's in bed." " Oh, dear." "She's really not well." "She really mustn't see anybody." " What?" "Not at all?" " No." "Can't we put our heads around the corner?" "She mustn't have any excitement." "Oh, Basil." "What do you mean, "Oh, Basil"?" "We are her oldest friends." "It can only do her good." "We've all come over here to see you both." "Sorry if you've been put out." "You have some drinks, plenty of nuts, see your old friends, have some laughs." "If that isn't good enough, I'll refund your petrol." "Steady on, Basil." "I'm sorry." "We understand." "You're a bit upset." "Well, you know..." "You know us well enough." "You should've called it off." "Waited until she's better." " There just wasn't time." " Wasn't time?" "She only began to puff up about an hour ago." "But you said the doctor came first thing this morning." "Yes, that's right." "That was for the throat." "The puffing up started after he'd gone, okay?" "After?" "Yes, after." "Are you taking notes?" "Where are you going?" "I'm going to see her." "There is something very peculiar about all this." "I won't stand here while an old friend like Sybil..." "It's perfectly Sybil." "Simple's not well." "She lost her throat and her voice hurt." "The doctor said it was a bit serious." "Not a lot, a bit." "He went away, she started to puff up, he's coming back later this afternoon, and it's best for her to be on her own." "What is so peculiar about that?" "Her driving around in the town." "What did you say?" "Sorry, just a joke." "Can I have another gin?" "Just a joke?" "She's down there, in town, driving around?" "Is that what you think?" "Of course it isn't." "Obviously, I've been standing here making up crackpot stories about my wife being seriously ill." "No, of course not..." "It was just a bit funny" "Kitty seeing that northern woman in the car." "Funny?" "Oh, I see." "You think that was Sybil in the car and not upstairs?" "Oh, I understand." "I've got it now." "What are we all waiting around here for?" "Come on, everybody upstairs." "Come on." "All of you." "No, Basil." "Everyone who thinks I'm a liar, come on up." "Of course, we don't." " Hang on, old man." " Don't get like that." " Come and see Sybil." " We don't want to." "It's best to leave her, we'll see her another time." "When she's feeling better." " Roger wants to." " We mustn't disturb her." " If Roger wants to...?" " He doesn't, Basil." " We could just say hello." " Oh, Roger!" "Right." "All right!" "Fine!" "Okay, then." "Fine!" "No problem!" "Suits me." "Good idea." "I'll just pop upstairs and ask her to stop dying then you can all come up and identify her." " Basil!" " Polly, give me a hand." "Help yourself to a drink." "Make yourself at home." "Relax!" "Any more nuts?" "Any more nuts?" " What are you doing?" " You won't have to say anything." "What?" "Oh, no." " Come on." " No, no, no." "No!" "I won't." "Yes, you will." "It's easy." "Put on her dark glasses, and one of her wigs." "I'll keep them away from you." "Will you listen to me?" "We'll draw the curtains." "They'd never believe I was Mrs. Fawlty." "Seeing is believing." "I don't look like her." "You're a woman, aren't you?" " My face is too long." " We'll shorten it." "You've lost your voice." "All you have to do is wave." "Wave?" "Put one hand up and jiggle it about." "You'll soon get the hang of it." "Mr. Fawlty..." "I know you're very excited, you might even be having a nervous breakdown." "I don't know." "I'm no expert..." "You must really see this isn't going to work!" " Get that on." " It isn't going to work." "What's the matter?" "I'm not doing it!" "You want to be in a Marx Brothers film, that's your problem." "I'm not interested." " Not interested?" " No." " This is all your fault." " My fault?" "You said to say she was ill!" "You invited them to come up here." "They didn't even want to!" "You be Sybil." "You get into the bed." "I'm too big!" "I've got a moustache!" "What's this supposed to be?" "A great big hairy bogey?" "It's something you get when you're puffed up!" "I'll ruin you." "You'll never waitress in Torquay again." "Waitress?" "That's a joke." "I help out at reception." "I clean the rooms." "I deal with the tradesmen, I man the switchboard," "I change the fuses, if you think my duties include impersonating members of your family, you have one more screw loose than I thought." "I'm not doing it." "Do you understand?" "You get yourself out of it." "It's nothing to do with me." "100 for the car." "All right." " Now!" " What?" " Now!" " Now?" "Hello." " Is not possible." " What?" "Is not possible for me." "Please come." " What is it?" " It's Terry." "Please come." "He tell me I not know how to make a paella." " He tell me..." " You tell him..." "I tell him paella is Spanish, not cockney stinking eel pie!" "I make Paella like my mama..." "I'm not interested." "My mama's recipe is big in Barcelona." " Go away." " Please, you come!" "He called me ignorant wog motherboy crump." "Let go of me." " Basil?" " Yes?" "You tell Terry..." "let you alone." " Basil?" " Yes, Reg." "Go on." "Go away." "Not you, Reg." "Is big in Barcelona." "Are we supposed to come up now?" "In a moment, Reg." "No, come on up now." "She's just touching up the worst bits." "How is she feeling?" "I woke her and told her that you'd come over and she's very pleased." "But she's very weak and her throat..." "She has great difficulty expressing herself." "Makes a change." "She'll be out to see you in a moment." "She's pretty quick with the ol'..." "She's not bothering to make up for us, is she?" "No, no, no." "Just, you know..." "She asked me to thank you and to say how very much she's looking forward to seeing you all." "That's nice." "She can speak a little, then?" "Not really, no." "I see what you mean." "She wrote that down on one of the postcards that she keeps by the side of the bed." "Did she stamp it?" "Do you have an ashtray?" "Yes, I'll get one." " There's no need to..." " No bother." "Just a second." "Mr. Fawlty!" "He put mince in it." "He put bloody mince in it." "Look what you've done!" "Sorry!" "Sorry!" "I tell him paella is fish dish." " Go away!" " What I do?" "Arriba!" "Vamoose!" "This is fun, isn't it?" "Roger!" "Who wants to go to the boozer or play golf, when you can come to one of Basil's do's?" "Come on, Roger." "It can't be easy for him with Sybil lying there ill." "You know what I think about that?" "What?" "Shh!" "Here we are." "I brought some nuts." "You shouldn't have." "If you could just take the ashtray." " Oh!" " Sorry." " Never mind." " I'll get some more." " We've got the crisps." " I don't mind." " The crisps will be lovely." " Really?" " Crisp, Alice?" " Thank you." " Arthur, would you like...?" " Not for me." " Would you like a crisp?" " Thank you." "Hold them a moment." "I'll get a brush." "A "Basil brush"." "Ha!" "Ha!" "Very good!" "Broom, broom!" "Roger, what did you mean?" "They've had a row." "She's refused to come down." "Roger!" "He's embarrassed her into seeing us." "I'm not interested." "I'm not interested." "Don't you bother." "Leave it to me." "Basil?" "Basil, perhaps she's ready now?" "Oh, yes." "Good idea." "I'll just have a look." "Not quite." "Nearly." "Anyone care for another crisp?" "No, no." "Have you got a choc ice?" "I'll put them there, just help yourselves." "Nice carpet, Bas." "Thank you." "A bit worn now." "I thought that was part of the pattern." "Nice paper, Basil." "We got it to go with the carpet." " To go with it?" " That's right, Roger." "One of them will have to go." "My money's on the carpet." "Please!" "You read a lot of Oscar Wilde, do you?" "I don't know if you've ever seen the molding up there..." "Oh, dear!" "It's all right." "I'll clean it up." "What time's the main feature?" "Morning, Fawlty." "Lovely day for a round of golf." "Morning, Major." "Yes." "Anyone care to make up a four?" "No, we're going to see Sybil." "Playing a match, is she?" "No, she's ill." "Really quite ill." "She should be in bed." "Yes, she is." "We're going to see her." "Another lot in there with her, is there?" "May I introduce Major Gowen, our oldest resident?" " Good morning, Major." " Delighted to meet you." "Welcome to Torquay." "How do you do?" "She's ready now." "Come on in." "Not you." "Sybil?" "Hello darling, don't try and speak." " The gang's here." " Sorry you're not well." "Such a shame." "We thought we'd come wish you happy anniversary." "Happy anniversary!" "What's happened?" "Reg has fallen over." "You all right, Reg?" "Done my ankle." " Oh, dear." " You all right, Reg?" "Careful!" "It's so dark in here." "Bloody light's not working." "I tripped over something." " Who's that?" " It's me." "It's Kitty!" "Where are you, dear?" "Can't we have some light in here?" "All right, hang on." "Okay." "Now the light's on we can see the screen." " Oh, dear." " Are you all right, Kitty?" "You shouldn't have gone to all this trouble." "Come on up here." "You both all right?" "Come on round there." "You can see her from there." "Is everything all right?" "Here she is." "Hello, Sybil." "There's something there." "I can see it moving." "It's a bit dark." "Her eyes are very sensitive." "She's got her glasses." "I'll just draw the curtains." "Yes, I know." "Trust me, dear." "There we are." "Is that better?" "Happy anniversary." "You poor dear." "How are you feeling?" "Oh, shame." "You're very swollen." "Her thighs." "We brought you a cake." "Yes." "Have a bit, dear." "15 years, eh?" "Happy anniversary." "I think she's feeling a little tired now." "Yes, all that waving would wear anyone out." "Perhaps we'd better all..." "What's in her mouth?" "That white stuff?" "Just foam." "From the excitement." "Fifteen years, eh?" " Aghh!" " What is it?" "I just remembered something downstairs." "You stay here, have a chat with Polly..." "Sybil!" "Sybil!" "Shan't be a moment!" "A chat?" "Does anyone know semaphore?" "Hello, dear." "I came back for my clubs." "I'm not staying." "Oh, aren't you?" "Okay." "What?" "I'm sure you know best." "You don't even want me to, do you?" "What's that?" "15 years I've been with you!" "When I think what I might have had." "15 years." "You want me to go, don't you?" "No, but you've obviously made your mind up." " I won't forget this." " Won't you, dear?" "No, I won't." "I'm going now." "I think it's best." "All right, dear." "Bye, Basil." "Cheerio, dear." "Drive carefully." " Get well soon." " Look after yourself." "We'll have a little party when you're feeling better." "I don't like leaving you like this." "Let me just have a little feel." "Just to see if..." "Don't be frightened." "I'm not going to hurt you." "I'll just feel your glands." "Don't be silly, Sybil." "Just trust me." "It's for your own good." "Don't be silly..." "aghh!" "What's going on?" "She hit me, Basil!" "What?" "I was trying to examine her." "She lashed out." "Don't hit our friends." "I know you're not feeling 100%, but control yourself." "I'm sorry, she's not herself today." "The doctor will be over here soon." "I'll give you a call, tell you what he says." "Anyone care for another drink?" "We ought to be going." "That would be quite nice." "They're all the same, dear." "They're all the same." "Believe me." "Oh, I know." "Now you forget all about it." "We're going to have a nice game of golf and go out to dinner." "Did you get your clubs?" "Awfully nice to have seen you all." "Thanks for coming over." "Not at all." "We must do this more often." "When they're fit again." "Sorry about all the injuries." "Perhaps when Sybil's better, we can all get together." "How extraordinary." "We were just talking about you." "Basil Fawlty." "We met once at a fete." "Let me show you where it is." "How is the north?" "Have you been there recently?" "I'll explain everything in a moment." "What a coincidence." "She's thinking of buying one of our fridges." "Lovely to have seen you, and sorry about the ankle." "Yes, keep the head back." "Great fun." "Whew." "Piece of cake." "Now comes the tricky bit."