"Oh, Max, what a fabulous surprise for our honeymoon!" "And all this time you had me thinking that you had made reservations at the Anthracite Hotel in Pittsburgh." "Oh, that was just to throw you off the track, 99." "Actually, I've been planning this trip to the Caribbean all along." " What's the name of the boat again?" " The Chiquita." "That's an odd name for an ocean liner." "Yes, it is." "But it's a perfect name for a banana boat." "A banana boat?" "Is that safe?" "Well, this boat has an excellent safety record, 99." "In 40 years it's only had one mishap." "That's when it collided with a freighter carrying cornflakes." " But that's terrible." " Not really." "Fortunately, a sugar boat came along." "Stop worrying, 99." "It's perfectly safe." "And they have some very nice tourist cabins aboard." "I can't believe that we're finally going to go on our honeymoon." "We've done all of our assignments and we're going to have two glorious weeks alone." " What are you doing, Max?" " I think I packed the boat tickets in your overnight case by mistake." "Oh, be very careful how you open that." "That's my CONTROL luggage." "It's booby-trapped." "99, I'm perfectly familiar with this type" "( swooshes )" "( doorbell rings )" "Oh, you get the door, Max." "I'll look for the tickets." " Who is it?" " Man:" "Telegram." "Slip it under the door." " Why don't you open the door, Max?" " Forget it, 99." "That may be a KAOS agent, and I'm not taking any chances of getting involved in a case when we're going on our honeymoon." "It's a telegram." " Probably someone congratulating us." " ( doorbell rings )" " Who is it?" " Man:" "Telegram." " I've got it." " But I didn't get it." "Didn't get what?" " A tip, Max." " Oh." "Well, I don't have any change." "I'll take a check." " I'll get my purse." " Max:" "Wait a minute." "I've got a dime." "Man:" "Why don't you shove it under the door?" "Who is it from, Max?" " The United States Navy." " My goodness." "I knew you had some friends in high places, but a congratulatory note from the United States Navy?" "Yes, well, it's not exactly congradula-- conglag-- co-- it's not what you said, 99." "It's mandatory." "You see, I've been called up for active reserve duty." "I have to report in 24 hours." "But how can they do that?" "What about our honeymoon?" "What about our cruise?" " We can still go on the cruise, 99." " How can we?" "We'll just have to take different ships." "( theme music playing )" "Chief, you've gotta help me." "I'm in a lot of trouble." " What trouble's that, Max?" " 99 and I were about to start on our honeymoon and I got this telegram from the Naval Reserve telling me to report for duty within 24 hours." " You have my sympathy, Max." " I need more than your sympathy, Chief." "Can't you pull some strings?" "You've got some friends in Washington." " Not enough, I'm afraid." " What do you mean?" "I'm going with you, Max." "I've been activated too." "Well, that's great." "That's just great." "I don't understand it, Chief." "I thought that joining the Naval Reserve was part of our cover." "As spies, I never dreamed that they'd call us up for active duty." "That's because they don't know we're spies." "CONTROL is such a super-secret organization that even the army and navy don't know we exist." "I still don't think it's fair." "I mean, after all, they never draft the CIA." "Well, that's because the CIA isn't a secret organization." " It's supposed to be, but it's not." " Yes." "What are 99 and I supposed to do?" "I mean, I can't let her go on our honeymoon by herself." "You'll just have to wait until you get back." "After all, Max, it's only for two weeks." "After all-- after all, I have a bigger problem than you have." "Jose Vargas is going to be in Washington this week." "He'll only be here two days and I wanted to be here to see him." "I hardly think that a Spanish flamenco dancer is more important than my honeymoon." "Max, Jose Vargas is a member of the Spanish Secret Service." "Oh, that Jose Vargas." "Well, he's a member of the SSS." "The SSSSSS." "The SSSSSSSSSS?" "The Spanish Secret Service Strategic Security Staff." "Of course, the Spanish Security Sap" "Seep" " Secret Service-- the Secret Spanish Sta-- the Sa-- he's one of those Spanish spies, Chief, a fellow with a little mustache and a big Chihuahua." "No, Max, the little Chihuahua, big mustache." "His little Chihuahua has a big mustache?" "Max, Vargas is flying in from Spain" " to pick up the Obermeyer file." " Who is Obermeyer?" "Obermeyer is KAOS's number-one espionage agent." "They arrested him in Spain, but we have the evidence here to incriminate him." "Now Vargas is coming over here from Spain to get the evidence and take it back with him to the trial." " That's why I wanted to be here." " I see." "Well, as long as 99 isn't going on our honeymoon, she can stay here and pick up the papers from him." "I'd feel a lot better if I could be here, but I guess I have no other choice." "Now where are my car keys?" "I know I had them here someplace." " Uh, oh, I know where they are, Chief." " Where?" "I packed them." "I'll get them for you." " Don't open it." "That's a special case!" " Don't worry, Chief." "I know what to do." "You just step back to avoid the knife." "( bubbles popping )" " What are those?" " Max, it's a new escape device from the CONTROL lab." "If you're trapped, you use the bubbles as you would a smokescreen." "What's the matter with a smokescreen?" "Smoke maybe hazardous to your health." "Oh, Max, I'll miss you so much." "I'll write you every day." "I'll write you twice a day, 99." "That will be an awful lot of letters, Max." "Yes, well, we can save them and read them on our honeymoon." "It'll give us something to do." "Uh, how do you like my new uniform?" "Oh, you look so handsome in it." "Well, I guess this is it, my dear." "Try to remember me, my darling, when I'm out on the briny with the salt water in my nostrils and the giant waves dashing against the hull of the ship and the deck pitching and weaving beneath my feet." "Max, this boat is tied up for repairs." "You're not going out to sea." "Oh, too bad." "I was just beginning to get my sea legs." "Well, I guess this is it, dear." "Anchors away!" "Come on, 99." "Uh, I wonder if you could get a sailor to take my bag." "Good evening, sir." "We have two men onboard we haven't been notified about." "These are their orders." "They look authentic, but I'll check them out anyway." "In the meantime, don't let these men out of your sight." "Assign them some minor duties to keep them busy." "Right, sir." "( ship horn blowing )" "All right, men, I'm in charge of this detail." "Ensign Maxwell Smart, United States Naval Reserve." "Now you men probably think that just because we're not going to sea and because I'm on temporary duty here that this is going to be a soft touch." "Well, you're wrong!" "Now hear this:" "I intend to run a taut ship, because a taut ship is a happy ship, whereas a loose ship, uh... leaks a lot." "Now this is what will be known as a PD detail." "Now for those of you who are summertime sailors, you are probably not familiar with that expression." "Well, I'll explain it to you." "A PD detail is a Paint Detail detail." "Now, men, I can't overemphasize the importance of this duty." "A ship is like an iron gate." "If you don't paint it... it rusts." "For the next two weeks you will be painting day and night, night and day." "Except for you, of course." "All right." "We'll start off, sailor, with you painting the ceilings." "You'll paint the decks." "And when you're finished painting the decks you'll paint all the passageways on the starboard side of the ship." "You'll paint all the wet paint signs." "You'll follow him up, and if his wet paint signs aren't dry, you will paint wet paint signs for his wet paint signs." "Now are there any questions?" " Besides you." " Sir, may I speak to you for a minute?" "What is it, sailor?" "Max, you can't show me any favoritism." "It won't look right." "But, Chief, I can't give you orders." "You're my boss." "Not for the next two weeks, Max." "You'll give me orders and I'll carry them out." "Well, okay, if that's the way you want it, sailor." "All right, men, we'll need someone for the extremely hazardous job of painting the antennas on top of that superstructure." "That will be your job, sailor." " Hi, Chief." " Max, I just finished painting that!" "You did a nice job, except for the footprints." "Listen, I thought I told that tall guy to paint the decks and for you to paint the antennas on top of the superstructure." "Yes, Max." "I switched jobs with him." "I suffer from acrophobia." "Oh." "Fear of acrobats?" " No, fear of high places." " Oh." " What's that?" " A newspaper." "Max, look at that." "Read what it says." ""City Councilman Arrested in Motel Raid."" " No, Max, this one." " Oh." ""Jose Vargas, famous Spanish Secret Service agent, signs autograph for unidentified woman fan upon his arrival in Washington."" "Now look at the picture." "Why, Chief, that's a picture of 99!" "Yes, Max, but that's not Vargas." "Well, of course it is." "It says so right here." "But, Max, Vargas is left-handed." "That man is signing his autograph with his right hand." "Don't you see, Max?" "KAOS knows that you and I are the only two who know who Vargas really is." "They must have forged those orders to put us on this carrier and get us out of CONTROL." " You're right, Chief." " Obviously, they've kidnapped Vargas and put their own man in his place." "If KAOS gets their hands on that Obermeyer file, Obermeyer goes free." "Chief, we've got to get off this ship." " Request permission to go ashore, sir." " Uh-huh." "Ensigns are not required to ask permission to go ashore." "Where do you think you're going?" "I'm going ashore." " That's what you think." " But you just said" "The captain's orders are for you to remain aboard." "Well, in that case I want to see the captain." "He's on the bridge and he's not to be disturbed." "It's imperative that we see him immediately." " I'm sorry." " I'm afraid that isn't good enough." "I insist upon seeing the captain." "That's out of the question." "But you don't understand." "We have to see the captain." "You can't see the captain." "Very well, Lieutenant, have it your own way." "Okay, let's go!" " Where are we going?" " You're going to see the captain." "Now why did you throw the lieutenant's hat overboard?" " Because we wanted to see you, sir." " You didn't have to do that." "There's lots of other ways you could have done it." "You could have short-sheeted the executive officer's bed or you could have put a blinker bulb in my night-light." "Sir, I know what we've done is a little out of line, but believe me there was a good reason for it." " And what is that?" " Sir, we need a helicopter." " A helicopter?" " Yes, sir, a helicopter." "Well, I'm sorry, all my helicopters are being serviced now." "Oh, well, in that case, sir, we'll take a cab." "Would I be meddling if I asked you men what you need a helicopter for?" "Yes, well, we can't tell you that now, sir." " Maybe we can tell you on Monday." " Monday?" "Well, I must say you've piqued my curiosity." "Did you have a destination in mind?" "Sir, we must get into town." "It's a matter of the utmost importance." "You two have heavy dates or something?" "Sir, I'm breaking regulations, but under the circumstances" "I have no alternative but to tell you what we are." "What are you really?" "We're spies." "The CIA, I suppose." "Uh, no, sir." "We belong to a secret organization that nobody has ever heard of." " And what's that?" " CONTROL." " I never heard of it." " See?" "Sir, if you could get us into town" "I think I can promise you a presidential citation." "With clusters." "Gentlemen, I think we've discussed this long enough." "I don't know what your game is, but I would like to see some identification." "Uh, but we don't have any identification, sir." "You realize of course if you don't have identification you could be in serious trouble." "Sir, if we don't get a helicopter we're in serious trouble." "Well, you're not getting a helicopter." "All right, sir, if that's the way you want it." "Well, it worked the last time, Chief." "Max, throwing the lieutenant's hat overboard got us to see the captain." "But throwing the captain's hat overboard was not going to get us a helicopter." "Well, we know that now, but we didn't know that then." "We've got to get out of here and there is not much time." "The agent who is impersonating Vargas will be picking up the Obermeyer file in two hours." "I've got to come up with something." "Well, if you come up with anything, clear it through me." "Remember, I'm the ranking officer here." "Wait a minute." "I think I have an idea." "Good." "What is it?" "If I-- and then you" "Yeah?" "No, that wouldn't work." "Why not?" "It sounded pretty good to me, Chief." "Wait a minute, Chief." " What?" " I got it." "This spoon." "We'll tunnel our way out." "With a spoon, Max?" "These decks are made of steel." "Well, I didn't say it was gonna be easy." " What are you doing?" " This a diversionary tactic, Chief." "I'm gonna set fire to these papers and then during the smoke and confusion, we'll make our escape." "You yell "fire."" "( yells ) Fire!" " Good, Chief." "Keep it up." " Fire!" "Fire!" "All right now, Chief, when I give the signal, you groan like you're in pain." " ( groans )" " Not yet." "I haven't given the signal." "I know, but you're standing on my hand!" "Oh." "Sorry about that, Chief." "All right, now get ready." "When the guard comes through the door, I'll charge him." " Are you sure you can take him alone?" " Are you kidding?" "Have you seen that little guy that's been guarding us all day?" "I'll break him in half." "Okay, start moaning." "( groaning )" "Help!" "Help!" "There's a sick man in here!" "He's dying!" "If this doesn't work, we're sunk." "Don't worry, Chief, it can't miss." "The keys are right on the rack against the wall, and all I have to do is cast this over there... and then just reel it back in." "Perfect." "Well, almost perfect." "I think we may be using the wrong kind of bait, Chief." "Max, how are we going to explain all this stuff being in here?" "You got everything off the rack but the keys." "Don't worry, Chief." "It will work this time." "There we go." "Missed again." "You're right, Chief, this isn't going to work." "Well, you can't leave the line out there." "Somebody will see it." "Shh." "Quick." "In here." "What are we gonna do in here, Chief?" "We're gonna look for a life raft." "A life raft?" "What are we gonna do with a life raft?" " We're not at sea." " Max, the gangway is guarded." "We'll take the life raft and throw it over the other side of the ship" " and row ashore." " That's a good idea, Chief." " ( alarm wailing )" " Man over PA:" "Now hear this:" "be on the alert for two prisoners." "They have escaped." "Now hear this:" "be on the alert for two prisoners." "Chief, look, "L-16 life rafts."" "That's it." "Get it out." "Put it on the floor." "Wait a minute, Chief." "This will take us all day to blow up." "Max, you don't blow it up with your mouth." "It inflates automatically." " There's a lever on it somewhere." " Oh, here it is!" " Don't pull that!" " ( air rushing )" "Now hear this:" "block all entrances and exits." "Move this darned thing!" "Come on, Chief, we'd better get out of here." "I know, but..." " Come on, Chief." " I'm coming, Max." "Do you think you can pull me?" "Thanks, Max." "Man:" "There they are!" "There they go!" "Stop them!" "Man #2:" "That's them!" " I don't see them, sir." " Well, they've gotta be here somewhere." "There they are!" "Hold it, you two!" "We've been looking for you two for over an hour." "Captain, I implore you, give us two hours ashore before you throw us back in the brig." "You're not going back into the brig, you're going in that helicopter." "I checked out your orders, and just as I suspected, they're forgeries." "Now I have no idea what this is about, but I have orders to place that helicopter at your disposal." "Thank you, Captain." "Let's go, Max." " Max:" "Chief, where are the wings?" " Chief:" "There are no wings." " Max:" "Forget it!" " Chief:" "Get in, Max!" "Here's the Obermeyer file, Señor Vargas." "Now if you'll just sign this release you can be on your way back to Spain." "Hold it right there!" "Max, what did you do that for?" "Because that man is an impostor." "You see, 99, the real Vargas is left-handed, and when I came in that door this guy was signing those papers with his left hand." "Left hand." "99:" "Max, this is the real Vargas." "I spotted the impostor at the airport immediately and we arrested him." "Sorry about that, Vargas, and welcome to Washington." " Good work." " Thank you, Chief." "Not you!" "99, for being perceptive enough to spot the impostor so quickly." "Yes, well, I guess it runs in the family, Chief." "Well, 99, I don't see any reason why we can't go on our honeymoon cruise now." "Oh, I'm afraid we can't, Max." "While you were away I was assigned to jury duty." "Oh." "Well, Chief, you've got two weeks off." "How would you like to go on a honeymoon?" "( theme music playing )"