"?" "May I help you?" "I hope so." "I'm looking for a one- eyed elephant named Bruno." " You must be capitaine Defense." " Yes." "Hey, I am Marcello." "Welcome to Barcelona." "Oh, we are so glad to have you here." "A Belgian spy is just what we need to complete our little international alliance." " Alliance?" " Oh, you will love this assignment." "Believe me, it's every spy's dream." " But come, we must meet the others." " The others?" "Others, what others?" "Well, the European Allies are working here together as a team." "We have the very best agents in the intelligence community, a very "crack squad," as the British might say." "I am, of course, Italiano, and a master of disguise." "I used to be a tailor." "Then there is Charles, a Frenchman, who used to be a tax inspector." "And Cunningham, the Englishman, in peacetime he wrote novels and thrillers, and now in wartime he is acting them out, which he will like a little bit, I'm sure." "Now, over there, Captain, you see the German espionage community." "They're here in the same café?" "But of course, otherwise we spend all the day following each other around." "Right." " So, if we're here..." " Exactly." "We can all watch Juanita." "What we are doing, capitaine, is critical to the war effort." "Right." "Right." " You see, Spain is neutral." " Right, neutral." "The Germans, naturalmente, want her to come in on their side." "While we are determined that she comes in on ours." "It all depends on the King." "Whose wife, of course, was a favorite of your Queen Victoria's." "And therefore, on our side." " But his father is a German." " So, she supports the Germans." "You see that chap over there?" "He's the head of the German team and as tricky a customer as you would wish for." "Every day, Colonel Schmidt's influence in Spain grows and grows." "It's huge." "Our job..." "Is to put a spike in the bastard's wheel." "Right." "So, how can I help?" "Get yourself a disguise, naturalmente." "A disguise?" "A job." "Just don't let them know you're a spy." "A job?" "A job of work." "Do you know anybody in Barcelona who might be able to give you a job?" "And, of course, he must be somebody you trust completamente." "Excuse me, could you tell me where I could find Mr. Picasso?" "Right over there, señor." " Mr. Picasso?" " Yes." "You probably don't remember, but about 10 years ago in Paris, when you had a falling out with Degas, an American kid forged one of your paintings..." "And another American kid sold it for me." "Ah, yes, I remember very well." "I needed the money to pay for a party." " Don't tell me you're..." " Yep!" "Norman, it's good to see you again." "How is the painting coming along, huh?" "No, Norman Rockwell was the other kid." "I'm Indiana Jones." "Ah, well, we can't all be talented." "Ah, poor old Degas, who thinks of him now?" "It is all Picasso, Picasso." "Well, I just wondered if you wanted any help with..." "You think Picasso wants help with painting?" "You think any painter just walks in off the street to paint like Picasso paints?" "No, I meant with the scenery." "Just..." "All right." "Hold on." "You want job, huh?" "Come with me." "I have got a better idea." "But Mr. Diaghilev..." "I thought I could make a revolution in art with movement and music and color, but with a performance such as yours, these weapons turn to dust in my hand!" " Mr. Diaghilev..." " The old order triumphs, all because you cannot stand still." "Hi, Sergei, I have new dancer for you." " What?" " Dancer?" "I never want to see another dancer." " I'm not a dancer." " Ah, then you're hired." "Hey, look..." "I need someone who knows how to stand still." "Drop your trousers." "Now, listen..." "I wish to look at your legs." "You want a job, don't you?" "Well?" "Very well, I will make you a eunuch." "A eunuch?" "In this, who could resist?" "Spain sells France the mules to haul the guns around the Western Front, see?" "So, if the German agents poison the mules, the French will accuse the Spanish of selling them sick animals, and therefore, will refuse to form an alliance with them." "And the Germans will be delighted." "But what a rotten trick." "Charles, this is war." "We've got to be rotten." "We can't beat the Germans by behaving like English gentlemen." "Oh, if only we could." "A haircut, please, barber." "I think the señor would prefer a shave today?" "The razor is extremely sharp this morning." "Oh, yes." "Yes, I meant I want a shave." "I have stropped the razor 54 times, señor." "Then I expect it will be sharp." "Ah, Captain, perfect timing." "Did you get a good job, capitaine?" "I only got the worst job in the world." "Can you believe some crazy Russian tried to make me a eunuch in a ballet?" "Señor Diaghilev?" "He offered you a job in the Ballet Russes?" "And you turned it down?" "Well, of course." "Well, can you see me tripping about on a stage like the sugarplum fairy?" "The Ballet Russes is not that kind of a show, capitaine." "Absolutely not." "When they perform Scheherazade, they have men and women actually making love on the stage." "It's disgusting, you don't know where to look." "Well, that's great, but I..." "And when they do a thing called The Rite of Spring, they have people fighting in the aisles." "This does not happen in Swan Lake, capitaine." "That's fine." "But I'm..." "I've heard say that Colonel Schmidt himself has fallen in love with one of the dancers." "There is no better cover for a spy in Spain in this momento." " Well, sure, but I'm not..." " capitaine." "I think you should regard this" " as top military priorité." " Top." "Anyway, you got nice legs." "Igor, to the left." "Igor." "To the left, Igor." "He's talking to you." "My name is Indiana Jones, Mr. Diaghilev." "Don't be silly." "That's not a Russian name." "Neither am I." "Everybody in my ballet company is Russian, Igor." "He has English Russians." "Italian Russians." "Et French Russians." "You think I can afford to bring Russian Russians all the way from Russia?" "Mr. Diaghilev, it's a Russian Ballet company." "Igor, just move to the left!" "Indiana, you were born to be a eunuch." "Come, meet my fiancée, Olga." "Hi, there." "How do you like my costume, Indy?" " That's a costume?" " Of course." "What do you expect when you hire Picasso?" "Stravinsky revolutionizes the music, Nijinsky revolutionizes the dance," "I revolutionize the look!" "Nadia, let me introduce you to the young man you were whispering to just now." "Indy, Miss Kamenevsky." "The man with too many names." "Delighted to meet you, Igor." "Miss Kamenevsky, you are as beautiful as ever." "And so are you, Colonel Schmidt." "Señor Picasso, when we have won the war, and I will have to advise Berlin which artist Germany shall favor," "I regret to say you will not be among them." "I suppose it gives you some kind of perverse pleasure to wear this kind of thing, young man?" "I think you were looking for the house manager, Colonel Schmidt." "Of course, the box he's offered the embassy is an insult to the entire German race." "They're going to be so crowded in there." "Box office is this way." "There, look." "One o'clock on the starboard." "Can you make out the number?" "Eight, and I think it's a three." "Seven." "87." "Haven't spotted that one before." "Bit of luck." "Is it really that important, writing down the numbers of German U- boats?" "It's absolutely vital, and terribly interesting, don't you think?" "I have a collection of 69 U- boat numbers, not including duplicate sightings." "Wow, that's really impressive." "Just solid, unrelenting work." "Any champagne left there, old chap?" "Just a drop, no more." "No." "So, you successfully infiltrated the old tutu brigade, eh?" "And identified Colonel Schmidt's girlfriend." "Nadia Kamenevsky, just a dancer, I'm afraid." "I was rather hoping he'd be lusting after something more embarrassing." "You mean, you wished he'd make eyes at the Queen or something." "Exactly, or a duchess at least." "Endless possibilities for diplomatic incidents there." "Hey, what if we helped Colonel Schmidt find himself a duchess?" "Captain, that is exactly the kind of dirty trick we've been looking for months." "No, no, no, no." "We must have more passion." "This is supposed to be an orgy of harem women," "This is supposed to be an orgy of harem women, not a conference of certified accountants." "Smolder, Miss Kamenevsky, smolder." "Pretend you're stroking Colonel Schmidt's bristles." "Sorry, ma'am." "I didn't hear you." "I just came..." "Ma'am?" "Hello?" "Ma'am?" "Igor, what are you doing here?" "I couldn't help myself, Nadia." "What do you mean?" "I just had to talk to you." "Oh, I see." "What about?" "The ballet." "The ballet, you know, the ballet that we're in." "Yes, indeed." "It's called Scheherazade." "Right." "Right." "Well, you see, my part," "I'm not really sure how to give it depth." "Resonant, real, real feeling." "Igor, all you have to do is hold a scimitar." "True, true, true." "Yes, that's exactly true, but I wanted to hold it with resonance." "I think I could show you." "Did you want to take me to lunch so I can tell you about resonance?" "That would be perfect." "What about tomorrow?" "Café Oporto?" "12:30?" "That would be great." "Perfect." "And, Nadia, thank you." "An entire love letter from Colonel Schmidt to Nadia Kamenevsky." ""Nadia, my dearest," ""from your very own adoring Prussian..." Oh, terrific." ""Your voluptuousness overwhelms me every time we kiss."" " This is just what we want." " But it's so far below the belt." "Marcello is the finest copier in all of Spain." "Only this time, I copy Consuela instead of Nadia." "But is it right to blacken that poor woman's name?" "After all, she is the Contessa of Toledo." "Precisely." "And if the Count of Toledo thinks his wife is making love to a German, the Kaiser's court in Spain is absolutely done for." "And the Count is, how you say in English, a semi- psychotic, paranoid introvert." "An exceptionally jealous blighter." "But do you think the letter alone will convince him?" "Absolutely." "The letter's just a start." "As soon as Marcello's finished tracing, he's going upstairs to have his hair cut." "Oh, no." "Cunningham, I refuse to go to the barber's." "Marcello?" "No, no, my hair, she's only just grown back from last time." "Pull yourself together." "The women, they recoil for weeks afterwards." "This is war." "You must have your hair cut." "I hope you like paella." "I have ordered special paella for two." "It's one of my favorite dishes." "That's very fortunate, Igor." "Paella is my favorite dish, too." "I like the element of surprise." "You never know what you will find." "Well." "See, I was telling the truth." "Wasn't I?" "I do like paella." "Do you always tell the truth, Igor?" "Always." "Then what were you doing with Colonel Schmidt's letter just now?" "I was putting it back, so you wouldn't know that I'd read it." "You wicked man." "You stole Colonel Schmidt's love letter." "I couldn't help myself, Nadia." "I just had to know what he'd been saying to you." "Indy, you're jealous of Colonel Schmidt." "Nadia, the man is not fit to do up your ballet pumps." "Every time I see the two of you together," "I have to hold myself back to just keep from hitting him." "Oh, don't be cruel to the poor Colonel." "He's quite harmless, really." "But what can you possibly see in him?" "Oh, roses, champagne, expensive dinners." "If it gives an elderly German officer pleasure to give them to me, who could possibly object?" " Well, for starters..." " Don't let's talk about him." "Let's talk about you." "I want to discover everything there is to know about you." "Excuse me, Contessa." "But is that the residence of the Marquis of Segovia?" "No, this is the residence of the Duke of Almeda." "The Marquis lives much nearer the sea." "Thank you, señora." "You've saved me an unnecessary journey." "I appreciate your..." "Contessa." "He's just dropping her off." "The car will soon be on its way to the Governor's palace to get the Count." "We have 12 minutes." "?" "I think you were in my way." "You priests are everywhere, sucking the lifeblood..." "Put him down, you ruffian." "At once." "Ah, lickspittle!" "Toadying to the rich." "Come to help your pal the priest, eh?" "Stop!" "Put him down, now!" "Thank you, my son." "Are you all right, Father?" "These anarchists have no respect for God or country." " Would you care for a glass of wine?" " Thank you, Father, but now I have to collect the Count of Toledo from the Governor's palace." "Then you are on an important mission." " God bless you, my son." " Goodbye, Father." "Help!" "Hey, hey!" "capitaine, I think we handled that rather neatly." "Didn't we?" "capitaine?" "capitaine. capitaine." "Sorry to be a moment or two late, Your Honor." "I had to rescue a priest from a mob of anarchists." "That's no excuse for poor timekeeping, Julio." "We must hurry and pick up the Contessa in order to get to the ballet by 8:00." "That's my wife." "Have you seen any men with my wife recently, Julio?" "Well, Your Excellency, now you mention it..." "Look around, Julio." "If you see the gentleman in question, let me know." "Leave the costume alone, Delfina." "It's perfectly all right." "Igor, you swine." "Delfina, he hasn't traced my name, he's filled in someone else's." ""Consuela"?" "Consuela." "That's the Countess of Toledo." "She and the Count will appear tonight in this very theater." "And so will the Colonel." "We have to warn him at once." "Your Excellency, that looks very like the man over there." "The German cultural attaché?" "Two minutes, Miss Kamenevsky." "Delfina, you must take the note to the Colonel." "He's in box A1 ." "Box A1 ." "And, Delfina, hurry." "It's vital." "Box A..." "A1 ." "Hi, Delfina." "Hi, Nadia." ""My darling, be on your guard." ""They are trying to make the Count of Toledo believe" ""you're making love to the Countess."" "Delfina." "Igor, you're on now!" "Come on." "Now, you're sure you understand what to do?" "Yes, señor." "To the Countess, I say the cards are from the Colonel, and to the Colonel, I say they are from the Countess." "And there must be no mistake." "Only if it goes without a hitch will you get your money." "Of course, señor." "What can go wrong?" "What indeed, Manuel?" "?" "It's from the Countess of Toledo, sir." "She's in Box 8." ""The Spanish need some real music." ""Would the German embassy be able to arrange" ""for one of Wagner's great operas to be performed here?"" "Good Lord." "What a splendid suggestion." "What an intelligent woman." "This is what he sent back, sir." "Perfecto, listen to this." ""Your idea is inspired." ""Barcelona will ring to wonderful music."" "Add "our" before "wonderful."" "That way." "The Contessa's reply, señor." ""Could you also arrange for a visit" ""by the heavenly bell ringers of Bad Godesberg?"" "This passes belief." "Delfina." "No." "An urgent message for you, sir." ""They are trying to make the Count of Toledo believe that" ""you are making love to the Countess."" "How wonderful." "Do you think he'll be convinced?" "Go on." "I say, look at Igor." "He's flashing his codpiece." "And it's in Morse code." "And this is the person I hired to stand still?" ""Nadia..."" ""Is..."" ""On to..."" " "Us."" " Exclamation point." "Up." "Go up." "Go up." ""Stop..."" " "The..." - "Old..."" ""Woman."" "Double exclamation point." "What old woman?" "That old woman." " There she is." "Stop her!" " Old woman, stop!" "Stop!" "An urgent message for you, sir." "Count." "Contessa." "Colonel Schmidt at your service." "Contessa, your love of German culture has inspired me." "Let me assure you, I will stop at nothing to gratify your desire to know more of the artistic riches of the Fatherland." "Artistic riches?" "Your Excellency, your wife has made certain demands of me of a cultural nature." "I can promise you, sir, it will give me enormous pleasure to satisfy them." "And what's more, I will tell everyone in Barcelona that the idea was hers and hers alone." "Name your second, sir." " What?" " A duel, sir." "At dawn tomorrow." "Pistols, I assume." "You have something against Wagner, Count?" "You are not fond of German bell ringing?" "The Germans are a race of swine, of whom you are a perfect representative." "Very well, Count." "If that is your view, these gentlemen will act as my seconds." "Pistols will be perfectly in order." "I look forward to seeing you at dawn." "Colonel!" "Well, Count, the old bullring, I understand, is traditional in these encounters." "You are well informed." "The sand, you see, soaks up the blood." "?" " Well?" " I've got her safe." " Oh, where?" " But you know what's happened?" "The Count has challenged Colonel Schmidt to a duel." "Good Lord!" " What if someone gets killed?" " Perfect." " What?" " If Schmidt kills the Count, the Germans will be persona Non-grata in Spain for months to come." "And if the Count kills Schmidt, the Germans lose their top spy." "But what if they kill each other?" "Then I'll personally buy us all a magnum of champagne." "capitaine, I must congratulate you." "Your first espionage assignment in Spain is rapidly approaching a triumphant conclusion." " Great." " Just make sure the girl is safe until after dawn tomorrow morning." "And everything will be hunky- dory." "I'm way ahead of you." "Hey, Nadia." "Look, I'm sorry about all this, but I had to, you know?" "Here we go." "Look, I got something to eat." "You promise not to yell if I take the gag off?" "All right, you promised." "You are a complete, bungling idiotic fool, just about to ruin one of the most carefully planned espionage operations of the war." "Here, eat this, you'll feel better." "I won't feel better until I've seen you drummed out of the espionage corps." "Do you realize who Schmidt is?" "Yes, as a matter of fact, I do." "He's the head of the German spy network in Spain." "Oh, idiot." "He's the most valuable double agent" "American intelligence has ever recruited." "American intelligence?" "Well, how come nobody told us?" "You want it published in a newsletter?" "There was no need for you to know." "So, what do you Russians have to do with all this?" "Oh, you nincompoop, I'm no more Russian than you are." "I'm his American contact." "Why do you think we pretended to be lovers?" " Well, you could be just saying this." " Yes, I could, but I'm not!" "Now, untie me at once!" "I'll need to discuss it with my friends first." "Untie me!" "Not until I talk to my friends." "Then take me with you." "All right." "Good morning, Ludwig." "The dawn of an exciting day." "Your chance to die for the honor of Germany." "Wonderful." "I can't wait." "Do we really have to put the gag back on?" "No, but I'm tired of her calling me a bumbling French bureaucrat." "And we need to time to think, huh?" "Don't you believe her?" "Well, it sounds plausible." "Look, I'm terribly sorry, madam, but we've all signaled our headquarters." "We simply have to then wait for their reply." "Madam, we owe you and Colonel Schmidt an apology." "You'll have to deliver his to the cemetery, you toffee- nosed bozo!" "You have 35 minutes before the Count of Toledo starts giving him a lead breakfast." "Madam, you may rely on us to prevent this misfortune from occurring." "I think I know why no one has ever attempted to have an affair with the Countess before." "Very well, gentlemen." "Shall we go and shoot ourselves a German?" "If the Colonel is really an American agent, why doesn't he just refuse to fight?" "And entirely destroy his credibility with the Germans?" "No, no, the poor devil's got no option but to shoot it out in the bull ring." "Perhaps we could substitute blank ammunition for the real bullets." "Really?" "Or we could waylay his seconds on the way to the duel." "No, no, no." "Rather, wait until they reach the bullring, then sneak into the pens and release the bulls." "Gentlemen, I hate to disturb these entertaining fantasies," " but there's only one thing we can do." " What do you have in mind?" "We've got to tell the truth." "Surely not." "We have to tell the Count that his wife has not been having an affair, that he's been tricked into fighting the Colonel, and that he can call the duel off with his honor ." "But will he believe us?" "He will when we show him the letter you stole." "Of course, he'll be able to see for himself that his wife's name has been substituted for this young lady's." "So, give me the letter, Igor." "Well, I guess I left it back at the theater." "Military intelligence." "It's a contradiction in terms!" " Hey, open up!" " Open up." "Open up quickly!" "We just forgot something." "Stand still, all of you." "Where did you last see it?" " It was there." " Here?" "I put it down here on the edge." "I put it down here on the edge." "Who collects the rubbish?" "The caretaker!" "What does he do with the rubbish when he's collected it?" "You idiots!" " Stop!" " What?" "Thank goodness." "What did she do?" "This is Dr. Borges." "To attend to the wounded?" "To provide the death certificate, Colonel Schmidt." "It is my duty to ask you, gentlemen, can this matter be resolved without bloodshed?" "Will either party be satisfied with an apology?" "Very well." "If you would stand back to back..." "Like so." "Each take ten paces." "At the end of ten paces, turn and fire at will." "One." "Two." "Three." "Four." "Five." "Six." "Seven." "Eight." "Nine." "Ten." "Wait!" "Wait!" "Don't shoot!" "Gentlemen, drop these guns." "You have nothing to fight about." "It's a hoax." "Read this." "I had intended to celebrate your demise with this, Colonel Schmidt." "Instead, let us drink to Germany." "To Germany." "May she triumph over her enemies." "You may think we're right back where we started, but the crucial thing is, it was a jolly good effort." "What's up?" "This better be good." "I cannot talk to you here." "Go back to headquarters, Cunningham will fill you in." "Marcello said you wanted to see me." "It was urgent." " Good news." " Yes." " Good news." " What is it?" "We sent such a glowing report of your performance here to French intelligence headquarters, you've been reassigned." " Reassigned?" " A prize mission, I'd say." " Working with one of France's most..." " Unique?" " ...unique intelligence officers." " Yes, unique is the word." "Unique." " Well, who?" " Colonel Clouseau." "Colonel Clouseau?" "Oh, yes, you'll learn a great deal from him." "I think, I think." "Yes, it'll be a once in a lifetime experience." "I imagine." "I imagine." "But you must hurry." "You have to be in Amsterdam by Tuesday evening to meet your contact." " Who?" "What?" "When?" " Berenstraat Square." "Light a match and a blind man will tell you how to meet Colonel Clouseau." "Goodbye." "Well?" "I hear the price of cabbage is high this year." "Not as high as the price of beets." "Beets are outrageous." "On the other hand, carrots are a dime a dozen." "I'd stock up on them if I were you." "About time." "I've been lighting matches out here for two hours." "Haven't you seen me?" "Of course not." "I'm blind, you idiot." "Right." "It's Prague." "Deep enemy territory, huh?" "Now then, here are your papers and your train tickets." "Right." "You'll take tomorrow morning's Prague Express." "You'll go to apartment 7P, 150 Vlasska Street." " Right." "Right." " You'll wait for a phone call that will come on the 8th at precisely 1200 Hours." "That's all?" "I just wait three days in an apartment for a phone call?" "Do as you're told." "But don't be conspicuous." "This call is of vital importance." "The entire outcome of the war could depend on it." "And remember, they'll only call once." " Okay, okay, okay." " Here's your disguise." "So, what am I this time?" "You'll be traveling in ladies underwear." "What?" "No, I won't." "I'm not going to..." "As a salesman of ladies underwear." " Right." "Right." " Now, here are your samples." "Now, under no circumstances must you call any attention to yourself." "Right." "Your name is Amadeus Schubelgruber." "Amadeus Schubelgruber?" "Who makes up these things?" "I do." "?" "No, I've got a train to catch." "No, put those back there." "Let go." "No!" "No, it doesn't go with your eyes." "Give it back!" "Pardon." "Pardon." "So, how is the ladies underwear business?" "Cabbage." "Cabbage." "Aren't you Clouseau?" "How do you know I'm Clouseau?" " Cabbage." " You have the stinking cabbage." "Well, it's a code word." "You're supposed to say "beets."" "Beets?" " Cabbage." " Beets?" " Cabbage." " Beets?" " Cabbage." " Beets?" " Cabbage." " Beets." "Ah, yes!" "Yes, yes, of course, I forget." "But you must not talk to me." "It is too dangerous." "Here is the key to the apartment." "You must only contact me when there is a problem." "I thought we were supposed to work together." "Only if you are in trouble, and only if you are in serious trouble." "You understand?" "Now, go." "No phone?" "Where's the phone?" "Where's the phone?" "Excuse me, ma'am." "Where's my phone?" "The phone is not there." "I know it's not there." "Where has it gone?" " Gone." "Taken by the authorities." " Why?" "The authorities do not say why they do these things." "But I must have a telephone." "I'm expecting a very important call in two days." "If you want to know more, you should go to the Ministry of Telephones." "Ministry of Telephones?" "Right." "Thank you." "Colonel Clouseau, we have a problem." " Beets." " What?" ""Beets," the code word." " Cabbage." " Beets." "Okay, look, there's no telephone in the apartment." " But that is not right." " You're right that's not right." "It's wrong." "How can I get the call if there's no telephone?" "Then you must go to the Ministry of Telephones and get yourself a telephone." " What?" " I said, you must go to the..." "I know." "I know." "Fine." " Hello." " Yes?" "I need a telephone." "Ah, installations." " First floor, first on the right." " Right." "Thank you." " Just one moment, sir." " Yes?" " You must have the form." " Right." "Right." "Thank you." "What kind of phone do you want?" "Just like the one they took out, I guess." " They took your phone out?" " Yes, ma'am." "Someone from here." "We only deal with new installations here." "If you already have a phone, then you must go to Reconnections." "Well, you see, I don't actually have a phone..." "Second floor, second on the right." "Right." "Thank you." "Your form." "It must never be forgotten." "So, what kind of a phone do you have?" "I don't have any kind of a telephone." "I told you, someone from the Ministry came along and took it." "Well, there's..." "Well, there's nothing for us to reconnect then, is there?" "But the woman from New installations said..." "Look, how..." "How can we reconnect you if you don't have a phone?" "It's impossible." "I mean, if someone has removed your telephone," "the people for you to see are Phone Removals." "Stands to reason, doesn't it?" "And where are Phone Removals?" "Third floor, third on the right." "Thank you." "Oh, by the way, don't forget your form." "?" "If the Removals Department had removed your phone, sir, there would be a form accordingly." "And as you can see, there isn't one, so we can't have removed it." "Naturally, therefore, we can't replace it." "Perhaps someone removed it but didn't fill out a form." " In other words, a theft." " Oh, no, no, no, not necessarily." "Oh, quite clearly a theft, which solves your problem." "If your phone has been stolen, then we can replace it immediately." "Really?" "That's great." "It was a theft." "Now, all you have to do is to take this form down to police headquarters, and report the theft and get them to stamp it there." "Then take it to the Ministry of insurance, make a claim for compensation for the goods stolen, and get them to stamp it there." "Then you finally bring it back here," "I stamp it to show that it's been duly authorized, then you take it to the Reconnections," "Reconnections takes it to installations, the man at the front desk can take it to the Works, and before you can say "snap," you have a new phone." " What could be simpler?" " I can't imagine." "But the crucial thing is, don't lose that form." "Because if you do, we can't give you another." "Do you understand?" "Absolutely." "Excuse me, sir." "No!" "No!" "No!" "No!" "No!" "Excuse me." "Excuse me, sir." "Pardon." "I need to get off, please." "I'm in trouble." "They want me to go to the Ministry of Police." "The police?" "That is dangerous." "I know." "We are in the heart of enemy territory." "The police must not find out that you are a spy, otherwise they will shoot you." "What should I do?" "You must go to the police." "You must get that telephone." "And then you must check back here with me at 1800 hours." "Hi." "I would like to report a stolen telephone, and I'd also like to get a stamp right here, so I can go to the Ministry of insurance and make a claim." "Certainly, sir." "If you'd just like to fill out this form," " and we'll see to it immediately." " Thank you." " All of it?" " Oh, yes." "Can't leave anything out, can we?" "That's perfectly in order, sir." "Only you've written it in Czech." "Of course I wrote it in Czech." "As part of the Austro" " Hungarian Empire, all forms must, of course, be completed in German." "German?" "Never mind, sir." "I have another one here." "Won't take you long." "Very well, Herr Schubelgruber." "You can go with the constables now." "If you will just sit down there, sir." "We will call you shortly." " Amadeus Schubelgruber?" " Yes." "Ah, there you are." "Come in." " Well, you realize this is very serious." " What is serious?" "Come on, now." "Don't play games with us." "You know exactly what we're talking about." "Well, no, I don't." "I came here to report the theft of a telephone." " That's what they all say." " At first." "Now come along, Herr Schubelgruber." "It will go easier with you if you make a full confession immediately." "A confession to what?" "What would you like to start with?" "We have plenty of time, you know." "But I haven't done anything." "That's a good one." "He hasn't done anything." "He said he hasn't done anything." "Stop wasting our time, Schubelgruber." "Make a full confession." "It's all prepared for you." "Just sign it." "This is your last chance." "But I have nothing to confess to." "I came here to get a form stamped for the Ministry of Phones." "That's the whole story." "Very well." "That's that." "Next." "What's going on?" "What's..." "Case Number 435." "Amadeus Schubelgruber." "How do you plead?" "Guilty or not guilty?" "I don't." "I just came here to report a missing telephone." "You mean you're telling us you're neither guilty nor not guilty?" "I'm trying to tell that I'm innocent." "No one is innocent, Herr Schubelgruber." "We are all guilty of something, are we not?" "That may be possible, but it doesn't mean that everyone ends up in court because of it." "More the pity." "The world would be a better place if you did." "Now, how do you plead?" "Well, how can I plead, if I don't know what I'm accused of?" "You are accused, Schubelgruber, of infringing Article 1 14 of the Criminal Code." "With which, of course, all loyal citizens of the Austro" " Hungarian Empire are perfectly familiar." "Yeah, yeah, sure." "Your plea is therefore..." "Well..." "Well, not guilty, but..." "You have shown utter contempt for processes of law and justice, which have taken 2,000 years to develop." "You should be ashamed to raise your head in public." "For trying to fill in a form?" "It's men like you, Schubelgruber, who let loose anarchy in the land, who gnaw away at the obedience and faith which glues society together." "If your kind triumphed, our entire civilization would blow like dust into the cold, bleak wastelands of universal chaos!" "Well, where's the evidence?" "I think we have all the evidence we need here, Schubelgruber," "in your own hand." "Okay, look, the real reason that I came here..." "Guilty." " What?" " Guilty as charged." "Wait." "Wait." "No, no, wait a minute." "The only reason that I'm here is to report my telephone is missing." "That's..." "I didn't do anything wrong." "Listen to me." "You can't do this to me." "I'm innocent." "I've never done anything..." "Hello?" "You're not listening..." "Hey!" "I'm not guilty!" "Guard, let me out!" "Guard!" "Look, you gotta get me out of here." "This has all just been a terrible mistake." "Everything's just been a big error." "You are claiming you are here as a result of an error?" "Well..." "Yes." "Yes, that's it." "That's exactly what I'm claiming." " Oh." " Wait." "No!" "You have to fill in one of these." "There's a form for this?" "Of course, there is a form for everything." "Here is the pencil." "Thanks." "?" " Come with me." " Where are we going?" "To the Department of Errors, naturally." "Every single administrative error in the entire Austro" " Hungarian Empire" "is documented here." "It is a fine collection, is it not, Herr Schubelgruber?" " It's awe-inspiring." " Thank you." "I just wanted to report a missing phone, so I could make a claim with the Ministry of insurance." " And I was interrogated and tried..." " Well, everything seems to be in order." "You may go." " What?" " Take this." "The sergeant at the front desk will show you out." "You don't mean this." "Well, of course I mean it." "It is my job to correct administrative errors, and you clearly have been the victim of one." "Goodbye." "This is incredible." "It says..." "Well, he says that I could go." "That's right, sir." "Through there." "Sir, do you think that..." "If it's no trouble, that..." "Could I get..." " Stamp it?" " Yeah." "Certainly, sir." "Thank you, sir." "Where have you been?" "Have you got the telephone?" "You are a day late." "Do not you realize how important this assignment is?" "I thought that something terrible had happened to you." "Well, what do you have to say for yourself?" " Nothing." " Nothing?" " You see this?" " Of course I see this." "And this stamp?" "And this stamp?" "All I need is the stamps from the Ministry of insurance, and I have my telephone." "You have only 20 hours left." "The fate of the civilized world depends upon your receiving this telephone call." "The fate of the civilized world is in good hands." "All I need is a stamp right here from the Ministry of insurance showing that I've made a claim." "Can you help me?" "You need to fill in the form first." "Right, of course, I'll need to fill in the form." " The number of the form is 27A." " Okay." " Go to the last desk on the right." " Last desk." "Is there a form 27A?" "No." "27A?" "No, you don't." "27A?" "No?" "No?" "I've already been here." "What?" " Upstairs." "The first on the right." " Upstairs." "I'm not leaving without form 27A." "I need form 27A to get this form stamped." "And I'm not leaving without it!" "I'm not!" "Not!" "Not!" "Not!" " They said you want form 27A." " Yes, that's what they told me." "I went to four different desks in four offices, and everyone said someone else had it." "Well, nobody has it." "Form 27A has been superseded by form 27B." " What?" " I thought everybody knew that." "This is absolutely ridiculous." "All I want is a new phone." "I went to the Ministry of Phones and my form blew out the window." "And then I went out on the ledge and a pigeon knocked it into the street." "And then a man stepped on it, and then I had to chase after a tram, and then a woman hit me with her handbag!" "And so I went to the police." "They made me fill it out in German, and then they gave me the third degree, and then they put me in jail!" "What you're trying to say is you're upset." "No, no, I'm not upset." "I'm incandescent with rage!" "What if I took your telephone, huh?" "What if I steal your telephone?" "Then you'd have to go through everything that I've gone through to get it back, and you'd go insane!" "The thing is, you're also in the wrong office." "I investigate industrial accidents." "But to be honest with you, I feel like a break." "Shall I come round with you and see if we can track this thing down together?" " You mean, you'd help me?" " Why not?" "Yeah." "Yeah, that would be great." "My name is Kafka." "Franz Kafka." "Indiana..." "Amadeus Schubelgruber." "This way, Mr. Schubelgruber." "Form 27B is a little hard to get hold of because they didn't print enough." "In fact, there's only one person in the entire building with a supply of them, and he's a little, how shall I say it, anonymous." " What do you mean, anonymous?" " Well, he works in here." "It's all right, though." "I think I can track him down." "Excuse me." "Excuse me." "Hello." "He's usually at this desk..." "Must be further back." "Strange, isn't it?" "The higher up one gets, the more anonymous it all seems to become." "Well, this must..." "Could you tell me where Anton is?" "Excuse me, where is Anton Dvorak?" " This is his desk!" " But where is he?" "No, it's not here either." "Forget it, George." "Franz!" "Thank you, George." "Franz, how nice it is to see you." " How good of you to drop by." " It's nice to see you, too, Anton." "I am helping a friend, Herr Amadeus Schubelgruber, here." "He needs form 27B." "Well, you have come to the right place, because I have all the form 27Bs in the entire ministry" "right here." "You do." "Thank you." "Thank you, so much." "Well, actually, I can't give you one." "I lost the key." "It's been several days now." "I have no idea where it is." "Never mind, Anton." "Just get the janitor to bring you a new key." "That's an ideal solution." "But in order for the janitor to come, he must have form 103C, and form 103C is in the same cabinet." " I don't believe this." " It is a little unexpected." "On the other hand, we're not going to be defeated by bureaucracy, are we, Herr Schubelgruber?" "If the janitor won't come to the filing cabinet," "we must take the filing cabinet to the janitor." "Right, Anton?" "Certainly." "Why not?" "Gentlemen." "Where is the janitor?" "In the basement." "How are we going to get it down the steps?" "We can use this hoist." "Excellent." "We'll tie this rope to it and lower it down." "Okay, I'll hold the rope, you push it off the steps on three." " Good idea." " One." "Two." "Three." "No!" "I got it." "I got it." "It's okay." "Got it." "It's okay." "Help!" "Don't move." "Don't move." "Don't move." "Just get up very slowly." "No, no, no, no." "No!" "Form 27B." "Herr Schubelgruber, your problems are over." "Mr. Kafka, I'll never forget this." "Oh, you can even make bureaucracy interesting, if you have a little imagination." "Thank you." "What a trial." "So, how long will this take?" "The installation team will be with you the first thing in the morning." "That is the 8th, at 9:00 am." "Well, is that definitely?" "Because I'm expecting a very important phone call at 1200 hours." "The phone really has to be working by then." "Look, all the paperwork's been completed, everything is in order." "I guarantee the phone will be installed by 9:15." "9:15?" "But you'll only have a couple of hours to spare." "Don't you think that you are cutting it a little fine?" "Well, if I were in charge of this operation," "I'd have made sure I rented an apartment with a phone in it." "All I can say is, if that telephone is not installed in the apartment first thing in the morning," "I will have you shot as a traitor." "It will be." "Telephone for Adolph Schubelgruber." "Clouseau?" "Clouseau, what are you doing here?" "How do you know that I am Clouseau?" "I came to make sure that the telephone was installed." "You don't trust me?" "What, do you think I'm incompetent?" "I can't get a single telephone installed?" "What do you think, I'm an imbecile, some kind of fool, an idiot?" "Yes." "That telephone call is going to come through in one hour." "Now, where is the telephone?" " It's not here yet." " What?" " What?" " They promised me that it'll be here..." "That's it." "I told you." "Hi." "Hi." "Am I glad to see you." "We're from the Ministry of Telephones and we're here to install your instrument." "I know." "I know." "This is great." "Come on in." "Lovely." "Where do you want it, sir?" " Oh, over here will be fine." " Very good." "Then we'll install it right here." "Okay." "That's great." "That's wonderful." "That's great." "That's wonderful." "Our pleasure, sir." "Well, we'll be off now." "Excuse me." "Excuse me." "Excuse me." "I guess you'll connect it up now, right?" "Connect it up?" " To the wires you mean?" " Well, yeah, to the wires." "We're telephone installers, Mr. Schubelgruber." "We wouldn't dream of connecting them." " No." "That's..." "Connections." "That's right." " Connections." "Naturally." " That's an entirely different department." " Of course." "And when will Connections get here?" "A couple of weeks from today, they'll be knocking on your door, and your phone will be working in no time." " A couple of weeks." " You can guarantee it." "They're not going to install the phone for a couple of weeks." "I heard that, you idiot." "Now, get me out of here." "The handle just broke." "What time is it?" "Oh, my God, we've only got 20 minutes." " Go and hook up the telephone." " Right." "Hook up the wire to the pole outside the window." "The wire is too short." "I'm gonna go to the store and buy an extension cable." "We do not have time for that." "Wait." "Wait." "I think that I can see the telephone cable in here." " All you have to do is to pull hard..." " Right." "...and make it reach." "Let go!" "That wasn't the telephone cable." "It was an electrical cable." "Just my little mistake." "Don't just stand there." "Find the telephone cable." "Okay, I've got it." "How much time do we have left?" "Ten minutes." "Connect the telephone cable to the pole outside the window." "Hurry up!" "Hurry up!" "Hurry up!" "For God's sake, hurry up." "I have to go wee- wee." "Hi." "Hurry!" "Only three minutes left." "?" "It's hooked up." "It's working." "And not a moment too soon." "Now, get me out of here." "That's it." "It's 12:00." "Where's the phone call?" "Check the connection." "Answer the telephone." "Schubelgruber here." "Amadeus Schubelgruber?" "Yes, yes, yes." "Hang on a minute." "I'm doing that." "You have to go to Berlin, 107 Friedrichstrasse." "Yes, and do what?" "And arrange to have..." "And arrange to have what?" "A telephone installed." "What?" "What could be easier?" "?"