"Open wide." "It is pea?" "Yes, darling, it's pea." "I love pea." "Oh, Laverne, I love you too." "Well, I met a boy I like." "Laverne Fusselforth the Fifth!" "I mean, yes, he's a rich media mogul who owns every newspaper in the western states and also one in the plain states." "But I love him for who he is." "And who he is is someone who decides who's on the cover of every magazine in America." "You know, Laverne, I've been thinking, we've been together for almost two whole days." "Don't you think it's time you get down on one knee and ask me to marry you?" "I think I" " I said get on one knee!" " Oh!" " Garfield, help him!" " Ah, be careful." "This knee is a plank of ivory." "Just repeat after me." "Will you marry me?" "[mumbling] Will... you..." "Marry me." "Marry me?" "[gasps] Yes!" "Oh, yes!" "A thousand times, yes!" "Can you say, "She said yes"?" " She said yes." " [screaming]" "♪ I want the money, I want the fame ♪" "♪ I want the whole world to know my name ♪" "♪ this is mine, I got to get it ♪" "♪ I got to get it, got, got to get it ♪" "♪ Another Period ♪ [majestic music]" "♪ ♪" " Mr. Faft." " It's Taft." "I have some photos that I think you will be very interested to see." "Are they pictures of dogs?" "Because I like dogs." "Before now your incestuous relationship with your sister has been dismissed as rumor, but these photos offer definitive proof." "That's not me." "That's Beatrice." "Look at the bottom." " Oh, right." "Oh, that's me." " Mm-hmm." "Now you can resign from this little experiment as vice president, or I release the photos and destroy your life." "Hold on, Mr. Taft." "I have an idea." "What if... we both be vice president?" "Uh, how 'bout this-- No!" "Now when you say no, is that..." " Yes, that is a no." " Yes?" " No." " No, that is a yes?" " No." "Yes, it's a no." " No." " So I'm not being blackmailed?" " You're being blackmailed." "Yes, okay." "♪ drop it down, drop down it down low ♪" "Blanche?" "Where's Blanche?" "Black Blanche, what do you think?" "I think I don't love that nickname." "The white makes me look like I'm getting married to an Italian olive oil farmer, not a media mogul." "Maybe off-white's better." "Laverne, what do you think?" "Laverne!" "Laverne." "[claps hands]" "Laverne's cute little pauses are making me realize how much I love him and how badly I want to marry him really, really, really soon before the pauses last forever." "What do you say about getting married in, oh, I don't know, the next 45 minutes or so?" "We'd have to wait for Bertram." "I can't have a wedding without my grandson here." "He's my best... friend." "♪ stuff in the grates, I'm simply amazing ♪ [gasps] Frederick!" "Don't touch me." "You've ruined my life." "I'm going to lose my job as vice president." " What?" " It's the best job they have except for president." "[sobbing]" "What are you talking about?" "Someone took photos of us." "Sex photos." "That stands for sexual photographs, Beatrice." "Oh, no!" "What are you going to do?" "[scoffs] What am I going to do?" "You mean, what am I going to do?" " Why did you do this to me?" " Why did I do what?" "Why did you create the situation where, over the course of several decades," "I was tricked into engaging in consensual and, if I'm being honest with myself, extremely enjoyable incestual sex?" "I didn't trick you." "Why are you saying it's my fault?" "Oh, I suppose it's my fault?" "So evil that women have bodies that force men to do terrible things to them." "[sobbing]" "And I don't need you standing here tempting me right now!" "I am not tempting you." "Yes, you are-- you're pointing your supple breasts at me." "I'm just standing here talking to you." "I can't get them to face another way." "Exactly." "That's why I must send all three of you away." " What?" " You're no longer welcome here." "Around me or Bellacourt." " You can't do that." " Yes, I can!" "I'm the vice president." "I can do whatever I want." " No, Frederick!" " Get Bea to a nunnery!" "What?" "No!" "No!" "Please!" "I can't wear black and white every day!" "I prefer pastels!" "I prefer pastels!" "[screaming] [sobbing]" "Thank the God of Israel" "Lillian is marrying that mummified bag of money." "The Bellacourt fortune is saved!" "Mr. Bertram Harrison Fusselforth the Seventh." "[romantic music]" "♪ ♪" "Hello, future step-family!" "Oh, Grandpa, how I've missed you." " And there you are." " [chuckles nervously]" " You must be the thief." " Oh, no, I" "Because you've stolen his heart!" "How wonderful to finally meet you, Grandma!" "Oh, my, please don't call me that." "Oh, I'm so sorry." "Of course." "Would-- would you prefer nana?" "Grandma's fine." "Oh, Grandpa, I've brought you a gift for you and Grandma." "It's the Fusselforth family diamond!" "Oh, no, no, no, no, Grandpa." "Just show it to Grandma." "It's not a tapered baguette cut!" "It's just a classic baguette cut!" "What am I, a baker's wife?" "Well, who's this lovely young lady?" "Oh, that's Hortense." "But most people don't guess her gender on the first try." "Hortense Bellacourt?" "The Hortense Bellacourt, of the "Looky-Loo"?" "[giggling] Yes, that's me." "I've read all your work." "All your articles." "I'm a huge fan." "[chuckles] I'm a huge fan of your face... and jaw... and arms." "Anyway, thank you." "I pour so much of my heart and soul into my work." "Well, thank you for pouring." "I drank it all right up." "What is happening right now?" "Would you like to go for a walk with me?" "May I defecate first?" "Of course!" "I'll wait forever." "[sultry music] [stammering, sighs] [bells toll] [somber music]" "♪ ♪" "♪ I guess in this lifetime ♪" "♪ we weren't meant to be ♪" "♪ yet the pictures behind my eyeballs ♪" "♪ are of only you and me ♪" "♪ I only want to love you and heaven knows I tried ♪" "♪ so now the only way is through the side ♪" "♪ then I'll fuck you in heaven ♪" "♪ that's when we can live in sin ♪" "♪ when the pearly gates are open ♪" "♪ you can be inside me again ♪" "♪ yes, I can be inside you again ♪" "Hello." "♪ the first time I saw your face ♪" "♪ I knew we were meant to be ♪" "♪ when I looked into your eyes ♪" "♪ I thought, wow, you're just like me ♪" "♪ when I go to Jesus, you'll go down on me all day ♪" "♪ when I go to the pie in the sky, I'll lay there ♪" "♪ and let you have your way ♪" "♪ and then I'll fuck you in heaven ♪" "♪ that's when we can live in sin ♪" "♪ when the pearly gates are open ♪" "♪ you can be inside me again ♪" "♪ yes, I can be inside you again ♪" "♪ if you can't have me, no one else can ♪" "♪ when we're dead, I'll be your one and only man ♪" " ♪ our timing was off ♪ - ♪ our timing was bad ♪" " ♪ I blame my mom ♪ - ♪ and I blame my dad ♪" "♪ which is also your dad ♪" "♪ and also your mom ♪" "♪ and we'll fuck a lot in heaven ♪" "♪ since we can't do it here on Earth ♪" "♪ we're not alone as lovers ♪" "♪ even though we've been together since birth ♪" "♪ oh, yes, together since birth ♪" "♪ I guess in this lifetime ♪" "♪ we weren't meant to be ♪" "♪ but when I kill myself ♪" "♪ it will finally be you and me ♪" "♪ yes, finally just you and me ♪" "Mother?" "Mother?" "Did you come here from Bellacourt to take me home?" "No, Beatrice, I live here." "I've lived here for months." "Did you not notice my rather extended absence?" "No, I for sure noticed." "Well, if you'll excuse me," "I have plans to drown myself until I die." "Oh, I wouldn't do that if I were you." "Not until you've heard the good news." "[man beatboxing]" "I love reading the work of strong, single women." "It completely changed the way I feel about women wearing pants." "Maybe it shouldn't even be illegal if her doctor approves." "It is so nice to be around someone who understands my work." "Hore, if you'd ever consider leaving the "Looky-Loo,"" "I would love for you to write for one of our more prestigious publications." ""Good Housekeeping." "The Happy Husband."" "Or our new scandal rag, "The New York Times."" "Will I have to disguise myself as a man?" "I don't think that should be a problem as long as we get permission from the head of the company... me." "I thought that was Laverne's job." "Grandpa has slowed down a bit." "I'm just happy he found love so late in life." "Hortense, have you ever been in love?" "No." "My heart hasn't felt that... yet." "Well, between us, my heart has sped up a bit in the time we've just spend together." "Might be the cocaine, but..." "I don't think so." "[sultry music]" "Yes." "I feel that." "Mine too." "Oh." "[both panting]" "I have a bit of a murmur." " It does-- feels irregular." " It skips every third beat." "[hip-hop tones]" "Beatrice, this is Father Black Donahue." "Black, this is my simplest daughter, Beatrice." "Well, we're so pleased to have you here." "And be "we," I mean myself and Jesus Christ." "Jesus is here?" "Well, he's not here in-- in body." "Not until we break out the communion bread." "That's a whole thing with a special Jesus bread we have, but I can't explain it." "However, I receive messages from Jesus himself." "Wow." "Can I receive messages" "No, just me." "But I will let you know what he says." "Oh, so beautiful, my child." "You were made in God's image, you know." "I thought I used to be a monkey." "Darwin was a family friend." "Charles Darwin, ha!" "Darwin's now roasting in hell for the things that he said!" "And the same will happen to you unless you join our religion... of love." "Okay, I'll do it." "Oh, really?" "I usually just do the whole "hell" thing as wind-up." "Then comes the carrot on the stick of heaven and the afterlife." " Don't need it?" " Mm-mm." "You want to hear about it, because it's pretty great." "Um..." "I mean, you can tell me, but I'm fine." "Just so you know, it'll mean giving up any beliefs you've had before this moment." "All right." "Okay, that's no smoking, no drinking, no dancing-- especially dancing." "No more sex at all." "It is very important that the church controls what a woman does with her body." "Don't you agree?" "She can't be trusted with that thing alone." "No, you can't be trusted with that thing." "Oh, makes sense." "Well, this is the easiest conversion I've ever done" "I did tell you she was my simplest child, didn't I?" "[knock at door]" "Leave the biscuits out" "Oh!" "Bertram." "[giggles]" "What are you doing in my dressing chambers at this inappropriate hour?" "Well, I was hoping I might have a word with you, Grandma?" "Are you wondering why I'm settling for jerky when there's so much fresh meat on the market?" "I don't know what that means, but I've already eaten." "[giggles] I mean, aren't you kind of wondering why a young lady like myself is marrying your old grandpa?" "Are you much younger than him?" "Yes, by about five decades." "Ha!" "Time is a funny thing." "Between us, Grandma," "I think I might be falling for your sister." "Well, that's terrible news!" "Why?" "Love is beautiful." "I know, but I mean-- I mean, she's barren." "Well, that's perfect." "I'm sterile from a dressage accident." "And she keeps a diary of all of her BM's." "I mean, every ropey crap is documented." "I mean, how disgusting." "Well, if we don't think about what we've done, how will we ever learn how to grow?" "What could you possible see in Hortense?" "Well, I suppose I don't see much of anything on account of my glaucoma." "[dramatic tones] [sobbing]" "Get up, you sniveling idiot." "I'm sorry, Celery." "It's just" "I didn't sacrifice everything I've sacrificed just to end up married to some idiot who isn't the vice president." "Ow!" "I refuse to be screwed over by you screwing your stupid sister." "We are going to do something about this." "[applause]" "And here's where he resigns." "My feral Americans." "A great scourge threatens us." "A base sin that corrodes the bonds of the very thing that makes us American." "That sin... is incest." "And we've all been there." "I, myself, in my youth, allowed the temptation of sister flesh to overtake me." "[voice breaks]" "Youth?" "Those photos were from a month ago." "I let my caramel urges get the best" "Sorry." "[clears throat]" "I let my caramel nurges get the best of me." "I betrayed myself." "I betrayed my country." "But most of all, I betrayed my Lord and Savior," "Jesus Heaven Christ." "He's spinning this like a pro." "Maybe he's not as dim-witted as we thought." "And I stand before you today with newly invigorated values and I hereby offer myself as the new face of the anti-incest movement." "[laughs]" "Because we as a nation are too blessed for incest." "[laughs] [man beatboxing]" "Well, I've killed a lot of people." "Mostly accidentally." "I sometimes wish my children had never been born." "Although I've only spoken to my children three or four times so I guess it doesn't really count." "Oh, and don't tell anyone this, but I've always thought I was prettier than Lillian." "Hold on, let's-- let's think of this another way." "Are there any sins that you haven't committed?" "Um..." "Avarice?" "Is that where I put a vagina in my mouth, 'cause if it is, I did that too." "We all get hungry from time to time." "I once took a bite of a Mexican fold-sandwich." "A taco, they called it." "Can you imagine?" "That reminds me of another sin I did" "No, that's all right." "Beatrice Downsy, I hereby absolve you of all of your sins." "Wow." "I am so happy I could kill someone." "But I won't." "But I could." "Well, if you do, just come back to me." "I'll do the thing again." "I like it." "[hip-hop tones]" "The week of my wedding should be the happiest time of my life and seeing Hortense happy is completely ruining that." "So I thought it might be nice to do something for Bertram's glaucoma." "Then he can see Hortense and come to his senses." "You know, as a wedding present to myself." "What do you think, Doctor?" "Grandma said if anyone can help us, you could." "I think we should get started." "I haven't done eye surgery in a while, but, hey, what's the worst that could happen?" "Well, if there's one thing Hortense hates, it's a man with imperfect vision." "No one likes blind people." "Go ahead and lay back." "[screaming] [man beatboxing]" "So I'm allowed to mess up as long as I pray for forgiveness." "Then I get to go to heaven?" "Yes, as long as you were trying to follow the rules in the first place-- it's one of God's many convenient technicalities." "But after I pray, I go back to zero on the hell scale?" "Yes, prayer is a very powerful tool." " I once prayed away a hurricane." " That was you?" " Yeah." "You're welcome." " Oh." "Well, if praying keeps you out of hell, why doesn't everybody do it?" "We also believe that people shouldn't ask too many questions because the church has come up with all of the correct conclusions, therefore, you don't need to ask questions." "One last question." "If I were to, say, kill myself." "Oh, please do." " What?" " Hm?" "I was saying, if I were to kill myself, but I asked for forgiveness right beforehand, where am I at, heaven-wise?" " Fine." " Oh, okay." "Good to know." "[bells tolling]" "[shaky breaths]" "[water gurgling]" "I baptize you, Beatrice Downsy nee Bellacourt, in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit." "[Hallelujah chorus]" "Wow." " Can we go again?" " No, no, no" " I'm going." " It doesn't count as extra." "[light chamber music]" "♪ ♪" "Where is Beatrice?" "I can't have this emaciated donkey face be my only bridesmaid." "Eat shit." "I've never had the pleasure of marrying two people on land before." "I'm a sea captain." "Everybody, please, it's time!" "Sit down!" "Please!" "Dear children of God, we are gathered here to join these two in holy matrimony, which is an honorable and solemn estate" "Okay, boat boy, get to the part where you pronounce us man and wife." "Repeat after me." ""I, Lillian..."" " I, both of us..." " "Take thee..."" "Take each other, right, Laverne?" "I don't feel so good." ""To be your lawfully wedded spouses..."" "Okay, I know the rest." "To love and to cherish till death us do part according to God's holy ordinance." "I pledge my troth unto thee and have forsaken all others and cleave myself unto only you." "I do." "Don't you agree, Laverne?" "I think I need... a doctor." "Or a diaper." "Okay, that wasn't word perfect, but it will do." "May I have the ring, please?" "Here you go, Grandpa." " What's this?" " Just put it on my finger." "Put it on my finger." "Come on, Laverne." " No..." " [groaning] [all gasping] [tense music]" "_"