"♪ Thank you for being a friend" "♪ Traveled down the road and back again" "♪ Your heart is true" "♪ You're a pal and a confidante" "♪ And if you threw a party" "♪ Invited everyone you knew" "♪ You would see" "♪ The biggest gift would be from me" "♪ And the card attached would say" "♪ "Thank you for being a friend" ♪" "Dorothy, your father's on the phone." "Ma, Pop's been dead for 15 years." "Oh, you're right." "I'm getting old." "I meant, what's for dinner?" "Mail call." "Rose." "Dorothy." "Thank you." "Here you go, Sophia." "Oh, I finally got my membership card from the Shoppers Warehouse store." "Gloria at the museum shops there, but don't you have to buy everything in large quantities?" "So what?" "They give you great bargains." "Wow, look at this." "If you buy ten boxes of adult diapers, they're only eight dollars a box." "Ma, you don't wear diapers." "A lot of my friends do." "I'll load up now and keep them for stocking stuffers." "This is terrible." "Trick move from your checkers-by-mail partner?" "No, it's from the company Charlie worked for." "They've gone bankrupt and so has their pension fund." "I'm not gonna be getting pension checks anymore." "I can't afford to live without that pension." "Well, honey, now, let's not panic." "I'm sure they can't just cut you off." "She's right." "There has to be a good explanation." "Honey, you'll call them tomorrow, everything will be fine." "Well, what if it's not?" "What if I can't pay my own way?" "What if I can't afford food?" "What if I have to sleep outside in some park?" "You know, there's an old Italian saying for times like this:" ""Scapa, tu si mal fortuna."" "What does that mean?" "Get away from me, you're bad luck." "Rose, you're home early." "Yeah." "I called Charlie's company today and it turns out they have a legal right to cut off the pension." "Well, I don't make enough at the counseling center to live without that pension, so I figured I'd better get a new job." "I'm helping her look." "We're going through the classifieds and cutting out ads that might be of some interest to her." ""Single white male seeks traveling companion."" ""Tour of European cathedrals." "No prudes."" "That's my pile." "What a day." "Look at this." "Toothbrushes, 39 cents each." "I bought four gross." "Anybody in the mood to remove some plaque?" "Oh, Ma, you have almost 600 toothbrushes here." "People don't use that many in a lifetime, and at your age..." "Please, I'm way ahead of you." "I bought half pink, half blue, so after I'm gone, you and your brother Phil won't fight to see who gets them." "So that's what it feels like to be an heiress." "You're not cutting up the obituaries, are you?" "I wanna make sure my canasta game is still on for tomorrow." "I'm looking for a job." "They cut off Charlie's pension." "He's dead." "How much does he need?" "You know what gets me mad about this whole thing?" "All those years Charlie put into that job just for the pension." "He used to say, "Rose, I hate selling horseshoes, but if I do it long enough, you'll be set for life."" "Your husband sold horseshoes?" "I thought he sold insurance." "Oh, he sold insurance for a while, but Charlie wasn't very good at it." "As soon as people said no, he'd give up." "Insurance salesmen have to keep going till they get a yes." "They have to keep talking and talking and talking, even if people aren't listening." "He should have taken you with him." "Anyway, after he was fired, he worked for an iron company." "He sold other things, but horseshoes were his specialty." "He had a sense of humor about it." "We couldn't pass a horse without Charlie saying:" ""Can I show you something in an Oxford?"" "Ah, then he'd laugh and I'd laugh." "Sometimes, even the horse would laugh." "With them or at them?" "Ma!" "You know what you should do?" "Call what's-his-name." "Ma, could you narrow that down a bit?" "The what's-his-name on TV, on the news, the one who glues his head to the ceiling." "Oh, I think she means that consumer reporter on Channel 8." "Enrique Mas." "That's the guy." "Hey, that's not such a bad idea." "He helps a lot of people." "I believe he must be the best consumer reporter ever." "I didn't realize you were such a fan." "Oh, my." "Yes, Enrique Mas is a great champion of the people." "Besides, he has all that gorgeous black hair." "And those swarthy Latin good looks and the sexy way he rolls his r's." "(rolls tongue) Enrique." "Boy, I'd love to get him on a couch made out of Corinthian leather." "The woman has such lofty ambitions." "Thanks for the suggestion, Sophia, but there's really nothing Enrique Mas can do." "They have the legal right to cut off the pension." "No, I'll just have to get out there tomorrow and start looking for a job." "Be sure you dress youthfully." "How come?" "You're old." "Let's face it, honey." "Companies are not falling all over themselves to hire women your age." "I wonder why it is people don't like to hire older women?" "Probably makes them feel uncomfortable." "You know, they feel like they're bossing their mothers around." "Ma, stop that!" "It's understandable." "Pussycat, can you lend me $20?" "Ma, this is the second time this week that you've come to me for money." "Now, what happened to your allowance?" "Something's come up." "A medical emergency." "Can I have the money?" "What medical..." "Ma, what's wrong?" "I think I'm pregnant." "What happened?" "The rabbit died laughing?" "What do you need the money for?" "They're having a special at Shoppers Warehouse." "It's something I really need." "What?" "Tube socks." "Ma, you know, this is how Imelda Marcos got started with that shoe thing." "Now, Ma, what is going on?" "I don't know." "It makes me feel good." "In a strange way, shopping there makes you feel immortal." "I don't follow." "Let's say you buy 20 cases of sardines." "This better be just an example." "Of course." "You get 20 cases of sardines, you figure:" ""God doesn't want me to waste good sardines."" ""He's gonna wait till I finish the 20 cases."" "That could take five, six years." "Yeah, well, why couldn't you just eat one case slowly?" "Silly, isn't it?" "What in the hell are all those sardines doing in the kitchen?" "Oh, Ma!" "Wait till you're my age." "We'll see what kind of straws you clutch at." "Hi, honey." "How did it go?" "Not so good." "I looked all day and came up with nothing." "I'm beat." "Oh, honey." "Come on, sit down." "Relax." "Can I get you a sardine sandwich?" "Maybe later." "I knew it would be rough looking for a job, but not this rough." "You didn't find anything?" "Oh, I found one job I wanted." "I would have been perfect for it, but they told me I was too old." "What kind of job?" "Assistant manager in a pet store." "I don't know why they didn't hire me." "I worked in a pet store in St. Olaf for ten years." "I mean, I was the one who thought up big, squeaky toys for cows." "You didn't tell them that, did you, Rose?" "I didn't have a chance." "Before I could tell them my qualifications, they told me I was too old." "Well, they can't do that." "That is age discrimination." "Rose, you can fight this." "What do you mean?" "What should I do?" "I don't wanna make a fuss." "Well, then, call Enrique Mas and let him make your fuss for you." "Right there on television." "You gotta stand up for your rights, Rose." "All right, maybe I'll call." "Rose." "Well, I just feel overwhelmed." "How could this have happened?" "Charlie and I were so careful with our money." "We saved." "We never splurged." "OK, one year, we went to Chicago to tour the stockyards." "But it was our 20th anniversary." "We had a romantic trip coming." "You must have been the envy of every woman in St. Olaf." "Oh, it was more than the stockyards." "We even got to see where Crisco is made." "The point is, we thought I'd have enough money for the rest of my life, as long as I had his pension." "Now the reality is I probably have enough for only a couple of months." "What's with the sardines?" "Ma, how are we going to get rid of all of this?" "Don't worry." "Tomorrow, we're getting five cases of pickled onions." "Boy, life sure has a way of throwing you curve balls." "When I was younger, I never would have imagined that I'd be worrying about money at this stage of my life." "I used to think Stan would take care of me." "I mean, we didn't have much saved, but he was a darn good novelty salesman." "Sounds naive now to think that I placed my hopes for the future on a bald pinhead with the morals of a maggot who made his living selling plastic dog-doo." "Well, at least I'm not bitter." "I always assumed I'd be kept by a younger man." "It's not too late." "They get younger every day." "I don't know what I'm gonna do." "I don't know how much longer I'll be able to pay the rent." "I can't live here anymore." "Now, I won't hear any more of this." "You will call Enrique Mas and you will get that job at the pet store that you deserve." "And you will stay here with us as long as we can afford it." "She's right." "Rose, you have to fight this." "You know, every morning, when I leave the house," "I see this bag lady going through the garbage over on 135th Street." "She has everything she owns piled in one of those old shopping carts." "Well, the other day, for the first time," "I noticed she's about our age." "You know, you always feel sorry for someone like that, but I wondered, what did she do to get herself into a fix like that?" "I thought, well, she must be lazy." "Or she must be pretty stupid to let something like this happen to her." "But the truth is... she's me." "God, what am I gonna do?" "Excuse me." "Can I help you?" "Rose Nylund, to see Terry Franco." "Oh, hi, Mrs. Nylund." "I'm Terry." "Hi." "It was so nice of Mr. Mas to see me on such short notice." "I'm sorry." "Maybe you misunderstood me on the phone." "I'll be helping you." "Enrique will get involved and put you on TV only if your age discrimination case gets really ugly and the company tries to discredit you, drag your name through the mud and make you look stupid." "I guess we can only hope." "OK, I'll need to get some information from you." "Terry, are there any applicants for the new production assistant's job coming in this afternoon?" "They'll be here at two." "Hi." "How do you do, madam?" "I am (rolls tongue) Enrique Mas." "Mrs. Nylund is here on an age-discrimination complaint." "I can assure you, I will try very hard to help you." "Could I ask you something?" "I heard you mention you're gonna be hiring a new production assistant." "Could I apply for that job?" "I'm a big fan of yours and I respect your work." "I know I'd be terrific." "Oh, I'm sorry." "But I'm afraid you're just not the right type." "The job requires someone with great energy and drive and quite frankly, someone of your advanced age..." "Wait a minute." "I'm here on an age-discrimination case and you're telling me I'm too old?" "Oh, it is not me." "It is (rolls tongue) Enrique Mas." "I'm confused." "Please, let me explain." "You see, there are two mes." "There is Enrique Mas, the dedicated consumer advocate, fighting for justice and equality." "And then there is (rolls tongue) Enrique Mas, the television personality who wants to get out of this local station and onto the networks so he can become a really big fish in a big pond." "It is (rolls tongue) Enrique who has (rolls tongue) reservations." "I can't believe it." "You're a fake." "I am not a fake." "Mrs. Nylund, ever since I was a little boy, I wanted to be on TV." "Do you know what that's like for a Hispanic kid?" "Who were my role models?" "Zorro and Ricky Ricardo." "A gay caballero and a man who couldn't recognize his own wife in a fake mustache." "I swore that if I ever got on TV, I would maintain the highest standards." "Enrique Mas demands the best." "Well, hold it right there!" "You can't write me off just because I'm not 30-something." "I have experience." "And wisdom." "And insight." "I'd be perfect for this job." "You see, I am the battered consumer." "I drive a Gremlin, for God's sake." "I tell you what I'll do." "Will you accept a test?" "You bet." "One of the most important parts of this job is product testing." "I will give you a test to do at home." "You will bring in the results, and I will see how you do." "But I must warn you, both Enrique Mas and (rolls tongue) Enrique Mas demand that the results be accurate in every detail." "Oh, thank you very much, Mr. Mas." "You can call me (rolls tongue) Enrique." "No, I don't think I can." "I don't know how to thank you all for helping me with this test." "Pay us." "Ma!" "It's our pleasure, Rose." "OK, what we have to do is try these different hair-removal products, evaluate their advantages and disadvantages and see which one gets our legs the smoothest." "Sophia, why don't you try the regular razor?" "Dorothy, would you like to try this thing?" "What is it?" "Well, that wire vibrates and it's supposed to whisk hair away from below the skin line." "I don't know whether I wanna use this." "It says it's gonna hurt." "Well, you can try it on your right leg and then use the hot wax on your left one." "Why don't we just set each other on fire?" "Dorothy." "All right, all right." "Let's see if they sent a bullet to bite on." "Your choice, Blanche." "Razor or cream remover?" "Cheesecake." "This reminds me of the first time I ever shaved my legs." "It was at a slumber party when I was 11 years old." "What's a slumber party without snacks?" "Instead of cheesecake, let's have oatmeal cookies." "Why?" "Because we have so many of them." "Ma, you didn't." "I did." "That's it." "That's it!" "No more!" "Now, I know that you feel that shopping at Shoppers Warehouse is some kind of a religious experience for you, but I absolutely forbid you to ever go there again." "All right." "All right." "Does this mean no cookies?" "Well, as long as we own them..." "Blanche, did you really start shaving at 11?" "That seems so young." "Oh, I did it on a dare." "You know, back where I come from, everybody thought that once you started shaving your legs, why, you'd become loose." "So I shaved 'em." "What happened?" "Oh, it was an old wives' tale." "I didn't become loose for another year and a half." "I remember when I started shaving." "I was 13, and I wanted to shave because I was going to a movie with Alan Steckler." "You remember him, Ma?" "Small head, enormous lips." "Anyway, Ma told me that, once I started shaving," "I'd never be able to stop." "I mean, she said I'd regret it for the rest of my life because my legs would have bristles." "I was right." "By the time you were 16," "I could grate cheese on your knees." "When did you start, Sophia?" "Oh, late." "Not till I came to this country." "In my village, hairy legs were a sign of beauty." "How do you account for that?" "Dumb men, hairy women." "Actually, that's not such a big surprise." "You know, a lot of those European girls don't shave under their arms." "Is that true?" "They just let it all hang out." "Really?" "Bushy as can be." "Well, what do they look like in a strapless dress?" "Like Milton Berle, Rose." "There's nothing wrong with it." "It's perfectly natural." "Well, it's a little too natural if you ask me." "I prefer to be smooth under my arms and from my ankle to the top of my thigh." "Get outta here." "What?" "You shave above the knee?" "Well, of course." "Get outta here." "Surely, Rose, you have heard of women shaving above the knee?" "Get outta here." "Rose, you say that one more time and we will." "I never heard of anything like that before." "When men see that you shave your legs above the knee, what does that say to them?" "Hopefully, it says, "Touch my leg."" "That's in case they miss the tattoo that says the same thing." "Boy, my mother would kill me if I ever did that." "She never wanted me to shave at all." "By the time I got to high school, the kids had made up this really mean nickname for me just because I had hairy legs." "What did they call you?" "Rose with the hairy legs." "Kids can be so cruel." "It's almost dinnertime." "Now, what could be taking Rose so long at that job interview?" "I mean, if she's taking this long, that's a good sign, isn't it?" "I mean, how long does it take to say no?" "What are you asking her for?" "She never said no in her life." "You know, just to be on the safe side, when she gets home, we shouldn't ask her what happened." "We should just keep the conversation in a positive direction." "That is a very good point." "I mean, she might be totally devastated." "So no matter how bad the news, let's just smile and show her that we believe in her." "Guess what." "Aw." "No, I got the job." "Rose, that's wonderful!" "I don't know how to thank you." "Enrique Mas said my report was accurate and concise and very professional." "Oh, it's so exciting." "Tomorrow, I start comparing artificial sweeteners." "And next week, I get to test crash helmets." "You will leave us out of that one, won't you, Rose?" "Oh, that's wonderful, honey." "That's just wonderful." "You know what the best part is?" "I get to stay here." "That's what worried me most." "I mean, I don't think I ever really doubted that somehow I'd wind up on my feet, but what worried and scared me was that" "I'd have to leave my friends and my family." "Oh, honey." "It scared me too, but I told you you were welcome" "OK, OK, everybody." "Get washed up." "Rose, I knew you'd get that job, so I made a special dinner to celebrate." "Sophia, that's so nice." "Don't mention it." "When I was shaving my legs last night, it really made me feel good." "That you were helping Rose?" "That I can still touch my ankles." "What did you make that's so special?" "Sardine casserole with kind of an oatmeal cookie crust." "I hope you like it." "There's a lot."