"In the criminal justice system, there are two separate but equally important groups:" "the police and prosecutors who apprehend and try the offenders and the idiotic defendants, who take up the court's time with their self-serving blather." "These are their stories." "Now, Judge Keaton gave us special permission to observe his court today, so best behavior, okay?" "So, she hit the switch and sent a million volts to the leprechaun's pot of gold." "There was smoke and cool sparks, and the little creep's head went ka-pow!" "But in Leprechaun 6, we find out that that was a lepreclone and the real leprechaun..." "Mr. Duckman, you've now acted out five Leprechaun movies, six Puppetmaster movies and nine Maniac Cop movies!" "Yeah, yeah, I know." "There were ten Maniac Cop flicks, but real M-Cop fans don't count number eight, which totally violated the integrity of the series!" "What does that have to do with the land fraud charges against you?" "Bottom line?" "In a world of psycho zombies and pumpkinheads and killer puppets who drill your eyeballs with their little screw hats, am I really such a bad guy?" "Just 'cause a few of my customers got buyers' remorse over the houses I sold them?" "I still believe in a place where overcrowding is never a problem." "I still believe in a town called Chernobyl and in a planned community called Chernobyl Vista Heights." "I find you guil..." "Put that peeve on pause, M'lud." "I have proof that I'm innocent." "(whistles)" "Letters!" "Thousands of them-- all addressed to a guy who'd never commit fraud:" "Santa." "Delivered by the United States Postal Service to me proving that I am Santa." "(spectators murmuring)" "Order!" "Even if this were relevant, which it isn't, these aren't addressed to Santa, you idiot!" "They're addressed to Satan." "Stupid post office." "Your Eminence, please instruct the jury to disregard..." "For the 19th time, there is no jury." "(chuckling)" "Wow, I knew I was drunk, but I must be drunk." "Hoo-hoo!" "Regrettably, my liege, a jury of decent, hardworking, system-hating African Americans was essential to my defense strategy." "So, I must take a mulligan and officially change my story." "I now claim I was rendered incompetent by a known medical condition:" "NHL fever." "(yelps)" "If this state's three strikes law hadn't crammed our prisons full of shoplifters," "I'd still be able to send murderers and felons and you to jail, but..." "I can't." "Yes!" "I'm going to Disney World!" "* Neener, neener, neener, neener!" "*" "DUCKMAN:" "* You put your down, down" "* And thrust your pelvis, huh!" "* Thrust your pelvis, huh!" "* Thrust your pelvis..." "Freeze, you degenerate lout!" "Huh?" "You've shown galling contempt for this court, for me, but worst of all, for the law in front of some Malthus High honor students that I invited." "What must they think of the law now?" "What lesson did they...?" "Judge, F.Y.I, Singled Out starts in 20 minutes, and I'm way across town." "That's it!" "I'm making an example of you." "I hereby sentence you to 5,000 hours of community service at Malthus High School starting today." "We're adjourned." "Bailiff... if he's not gone in 15 seconds, kill him!" "(nervous laugh) 5,000 hours?" "!" "That's 45 minutes!" "Actually, it's about seven months." "What?" "!" "Damn metric system." "Please, I hope you kids understand that what that man did... ow!" "Someone call an ambulance." "Wow, Malthus High." "That school is located in a ghetto cesspool full of crime and poverty and despair." "Oh, Malthus." "That's half a block from my house." "Yeah." "The commute's a breeze." "Sweet." "(siren blaring)" "(brakes screeching)" "Good thing I know how to handle street kids with their corduroys and lip gloss and pudding." "Duckman, it's possible your perceptions of high school may be a little off." "Wrong, Coronary." "I learned all about high school from movies" "To Mr. Tibbs, With Love and Les minds Dangereuses and The Blackboard Diaries." "Movies have taught me how to handle a classroom." "From Jeff Belushi to Goose Gossett Jr. to Tom Berenstain, movie guys know the best way to deal with these punks is to beat the crap out of them!" "Then when one of them molests the pretty lady teacher, that's the one you kill!" "Hmm..." "I forgot the name of the teacher that I'm subbing for." "He got hit in the head at the courthouse." "Salgado." "Right, right." "Thanks." "Good-bye." "(muffled):" "Hello." "Uh... hi." "(nervous chuckle)" "Uh, no air here." "Hello?" "I... help." "Hi." "Name's Duckman." "Checking in for my community service." "Where do I go?" "Oh." "Yes." "Yes?" "Oh, yes, yes, yes." "Yes, yes." "Yes?" "Yes?" "Hollind paunda noo-rip." "Yes." "Hi." "Where do I go?" "!" "Community service?" "I'm Duckman?" "I used to have rough sex with your mother?" "Truck drivers would pay to watch?" "Hi." "Great." "Unless Commander Mumbo from the planet Jumbo goes to Berlitz on his lunch break, I'm screwed." "Stupid judge, sitting so high and mighty in his courtroom." "Who's he to pass judge...?" "Ohhhhhhhhhhh!" "Courtinroom, yes!" "Salgado, ow!" "Salgado, ow!" "You substitute." "Substitute." "One-four-one." "Hi." "One-four-one." "Yes." "Room 141." "Yes." "Thank you." ""Substitute." Belly of the beast, huh, judge?" "Probably thinks this sweltering cesspool of drugs, gang violence and irresponsible sex will be more than I can handle." "Sounds kind of appealing, actually." "Well, since our substitute is late today, maybe we should review the list of positively charged radicals in the hydrogen cycle." "Ahh!" "Whoa!" "Are you all right?" "You got hit pretty hard." "Back offa that, homey!" "If you on the pipe, maybe I give you the pipe." "Anybody else want some?" "I just popped the freshness seal on a new can of buttkick, so all I need's an excuse, you fly?" "(karate yell)" "(groans)" "Mm... hmm." ""Duckman"?" "Hey, you're that guy from court this morning." "The one we told you about who played the judge like a vintage Steinway and talked his way out of some serious jail time." "(twitching)" "Man, are you all right?" "I don't like being talked about." "You're lucky I never hit a lady who makes my Noam Chomsky." "Degrading sexist remark noted." "Oh... yeah." "Who's real now, huh, Dexter?" "This scene is real gone, baby." "I am into it all, dig?" "Oh-ho-ho, very hep, very... hep." "Do you need a shot of insulin or something?" "I don't do that crap." "I'm clean." "What are you into, hmm?" "Shiners?" "Boom-booms?" "Rippos?" "Calestogan canoe wax?" "Sinuvian swampweed?" "Ladder-batter?" "Budbugs?" "Spot-foxys?" "Or is booger sugar your lady?" "Look, we just want to study hard, get good grades and go to college." "Ooh, easy, kitten." "I don't know what all that is code for, but keep back, 'cause I am am what it am not, dig?" "'Cause I am... (agonized cry)" "Ooh!" "(crying)" "I got a feeling this guy ain't gonna be taking us through the hydrogen cycle." "...is lust in action and till action, lust is perjured." "Duckman!" "For the last few days," "I've been doing everything I can to try and get through to you kids, but you were too busy boosting your grade-point averages, researching your end-of-term projects, and volunteering for school outreach programs." "Now, as the final insult, I find this." "You kids disgust me!" "Look at you-- frittering away your formative years on good citizenship and improving your minds when you should be out stripping BMWs and learning the rudiments of credit card fraud." "Eww!" "Biology... calculus..." "Calcu-losers!" "I submit that you kids don't know the first thing about the real world." "Are you serious?" "We're all at the top of the state percentiles." "Oh, yeah?" "Let's say I got five apples here." "Maria asks me for 20% of my apples." "How many apples do I have left?" "Oh, that's easy-- four apples." "Wrong!" "The answer is five." "No one gets 20% of my apples unless I see some sort of kickback." "You wash my back, I wash yours-- which, incidentally, is a lesson I plan to cover with the girls next Tuesday." "Please do the reading." "Mr. Duckman, that is not how we do things here." "Yeah." "We're laying the foundation for some fast-track careers and big-time opportunities." "Why should we listen to you?" "(chuckling):" "Careers... (snorts) Opportunities..." "Don't be ridiculous, girls." "It's men who have all the real power in this world." "You just sit there and look pretty." "But Mr. Duckman, women are valuable and equal members of our society." "Kevin, Kevin, Kevin." "You're so whipped." "You don't even realize that the other kids would be scared stiff if you'd only use your physical size to intimidate them." "From now on, your new threatening bully name will be Skunk." "He doesn't need some equivalency school dropout messing with his self-esteem." "Ah,Luis!" "You're the ringleader." "If I can reach you, the others just might follow." "What'll it take, mi hermano?" "Bootleg cigarettes?" "Fake ID?" "Eight tracks?" "Why are you even here?" "I'm here because I'm concerned about your welfare." "All this fancy book-learning is setting you kids up for a sucker punch." "What happens when you finally hit the mean streets with your diplomas and find out the only jobs available involve dressing up in frightening plastic clown heads taking burger orders at a local drive-through?" "So, you got a better idea?" "I just might." "I want you kids to follow the simple principles that made this country great." "Why did the founding fathers fight for their independence as soon as taxes got too high?" "Why did we force the Indians onto worthless tracts of land, only to kick them off onto even more worthless tracts of land as soon as the first drop of crude oil was discovered?" "And why did our own government trade arms for hostages for narcotics for hostages for arms with the very same drug cartels they're supposed to be fighting?" "Anyone?" "Skunk!" "Because the American system may be bad, but it's the best we have?" "Quaint notion, but wrong!" "Because we're keeping the world safe for freely elected..." "Blah-blah-blah, whatever you said." "Damn it, kids!" "Quit thinking rationally and open your eyes." "I've got to make you kids understand." "(heavy sigh)" "Are you saying that the big guns go where the big money sends them, and that afterwards, the dudes that win these wars get to write the cleaned-up history we read in these textbooks?" "(bell dings)" "Actually, I thought it had something to do with defective breast implants, but your answer's good, too." "People, take out your textbooks and turn to chapter one... and tear out those pages." "Tear out the confusing squiggly marks that cover those pages." "Free your minds!" "Your butts should follow." "Kids, you've taken your first steps into a much smaller world, but there's still so much you need to know." "Hence, I forged your parents' signatures on some permission slips so that a few of my most remedial students can hit the town for a little down-and-dirty, real-life experience." "You're in my classroom now." "(snaps fingers)" "(background crowd noise)" "(crickets chirping)" "I had a really great time today, Mr. Duckman." "The rewards are all mine, kids." "But we lost a lot of time today." "We were supposed to be studying for the college boards next week." "That's right." "We'll have to make it up with some serious cram time." "Damn it!" "Haven't you kids learned anything?" "Studying is for suckers." "How the hell are we supposed to pass the test if we don't study?" "The old-fashioned American way." "(whispering):" "Duckman, I found the answer sheet." "Yes!" "We're going to Disney World." "(loud crashing)" "(alarm blaring)" "Let's get out of here." "Gangway!" "Whoa!" "(body thuds, Duckman groans)" "LUIS:" "Mr. Duckman, throw the rope up." "Sorry, son, that would cost me valuable seconds of escape time." "Think of this as your final lesson." "And remember, when you arrive in prison, attach yourself to the biggest, most dangerous con you can find." "You don't want to end up as just anyone's bitch." "Hasta luego." "(guns cocking)" "(squeaking)" "GUARD:" "One-two-seven on the gate." "This school takes detention very seriously." "Wow!" "You're Cornfed, Peru's legendary forward!" "You powered that team to three World Cups." "Four World Cups, but then the hamstring went." "Now I mainly work as Duckman's partner." "He sent me to get you out of here and to assure you that he will do anything-- anything at all-- to clear you." "He'll admit the break-in was all his idea?" "Some good news:" "I met with the vice-principal, Dr. Aconian, and he agreed to release you until the hearing." "Unless Duckman confesses, that's all I can do." "Man, that duck is one big rat." "No one da'st blame this man." "No one." "He's... complex." "It's hard for him to separate his craven, cowardly side from his disloyal, selfish side." "Hmm." "If that's true, I may have a plan." "DUCKMAN:" "Cornfed, come in." "Quickly." "Well, did you...?" "They're in a lot of trouble." "Well, that's bad-- of course, that-that kind of trouble's just the worst possible-- but they, uh, they made their own bed." "I had no idea they..." "But they say you knew-- you knew because you planned it." "Well, that's, uh, no, no, no, I never knew, I couldn't know." "That would be wrong, against school rules, it's just..." "We know you didn't know, but they're liable to say you did to make... accusations." "And that's just it-- y-you know I did it, I know I did it, but that jerk Keaton doesn't know." "No one knows." "No one... could know... they could..." "They look at you and see what they want to watch." "They look at me and know it's the wrong channel." "Pray with me, Cornfed." "(crickets chirping)" "What would Lucas Tanner do?" "Or the White Shadow?" "Gabe Kaplan?" "Or Karen Valentine?" "Or, uh... uh..." "LUIS:" "Matt Waters?" "Montel?" "Who's there?" "Oh, you." "You disagree with me, I suppose about the way thing..." "with the break-in." "You mean the one you planned?" "The one you made us do?" "Well, yes, yes, I-I..." "planned it, yes." "But they, they,  you see, wouldn't understand." "Hey, you know I did it, but that jerk Keaton doesn't know." "No one knows." "I can't confess." "I just don't want to get in trouble unless it's trouble with honor." "Sorry." "God bless you all!" "...Then, in the movie Living Dead 8, we, uh, learn that the government is infecting people with the zombie virus and turning them into flesh- eating special forces units, which... whoo!" "(gavel bangs)" "KEATON:" "Mr. Duckman, as President of the School Board," "I can't tell you how pleased I am to be presiding over the termination of your community service." "Before I send you back to my courtroom, and the criminal conviction you so richly, richly deserve, do you have any evidence that doesn't relate to some gory splatter flick?" "Only the example and guidance I've tried to provide for this great bunch of young people, Judge." "Right, kids?" "DUCKMAN (on tape):" "You know I did it, I know I did it but that jerk Keaton doesn't know." "No one knows." "Is it too late to take another mulligan?" "Duckman, what you did to these kids was beyond reprehensible." "You're a danger to the moral health of this entire community and as such, I..." "LUIS:" "Wait!" "Your Honor, may I speak?" "I object!" "Your Honor, this boy is underage, and hence, any testimony he gives about me cracking open a parking meter to give him change for a condom machine is completely inadmissible!" "I'll allow the testimony." "Your Honor, everyone knows that Duckman is the lowest brand of scum." "Objection!" "Not everyone knows that." "Please interrupt again so I can have you bound and gagged." "But Your Honor, who has Duckman actually harmed?" "Not us." "In fact, no one else has ever helped us quite like Duckman." "This man taught us to make the most of every opportunity to cover our butts at all costs and finally, to tape an incriminating conversation and use it to betray those dearest to us." "He showed us how the educational system does little more than prepare its graduates to work the deep-fry station at a burger joint." "But he did more than open our eyes to the uphill battle we have ahead of us." "He taught us that no matter what horrors lie in store for us, we don't ever, ever want to be like him." "Your Honor, Duckman taught us these things because he cared for us, and I say that if caring for kids is a crime, then pronounce Duckman guilty." "But no matter what your decision, he'll always be a hero to us." "STUDENT:" "Whoo-hoo!" "All right!" "STUDENT 2:" "Yes!" "All right!" "STUDENT 3:" "You said it!" "In light of the new evidence," "I declare Duckman not guilty on all charges." "(students cheering)" "(gavel banging)" "But to ensure that Duckman never sets foot near this school again" "I'm terminating the remainder of his community service and ordering him to maintain a distance of at least four Miles from all students." "(students groan)" "Your Honor, I leave here with more than the hundreds of dollars in school supplies" "I've stuffed in my briefcase." "I leave here with the love and respect of a great bunch of kids, and I promise them that the lessons they taught me will remain in my heart forever." "God bless you all!" "Mr. Duckman?" "(car horns honking)" "(clapping)" "(clapping continues)" "Will you shut the hell up and go home?" "!" "I've called the cops!" "DUCKMAN:" "Friggin' hoodlums." "(helicopter overhead)" "OFFICER:" "Please disperse." "(all screaming)" "(music a la theme from Law  Order plays)" "DUCKMAN:" "Kill the puppets who drill your eyeballs with their little screw hats."