"So, all the insecurities you've written down are in the fireplace." "And now it's time to get rid of them in a baptism of fire." "Yeah, I gotta tell ya, I'm having second thoughts." "I was nailing these shots from the stairs last night, but I don't know." "Come on, Charlie." "Let's burn this place to the ground." "Geronimo!" "Yeah, that just sealed the deal." "Arrows down." "All right, well, we still have a few minutes left." "Anybody have anything they want to share?" "Oh, I forgot to tell you." "I'm dating Tiffer Scranson." "Tiffer Scranson." "Tiffer Scranson!" "Lacey, saying it louder isn't gonna make us know who it is." "Tiffer Scranson!" "Okay, you're not gonna believe this, but I think I just figured out who she's talking about." "He's the music producer, right?" "Yeah, and he's taking me to the MTV Video Music Awards." "Charlie:" "That's great, Lacey." "You finally met someone substantial." " What's he like?" " Oh, there's gonna be a red carpet, an after party, and a swag bag." "Oh, he sounds terrific." "Oh, my God, the red carpet?" "!" "Please let me design your dress." "Are you sure you want to design her dress?" "It'll just end up in a ball on the floor of a limousine." "I don't care." "This could jumpstart my career." "I just can't do it, Patrick." "It's too much to ask." "And so, you're a nobody." "Please, I will do anything to get this." "I'll even do what's his name's tux." "(imitating Lacey) Tiffer Scranson!" "What?" "Isn't that how you're supposed to say it?" "Charlie, I want you to meet my friend Kelly." "Hi, Kelly." "Nice to meet you." "We were sorority sisters at Alpha Chi and she's moving back to L.A." "You were in a sorority?" "(flatly) I'm absolutely shocked." "Charlie, don't ask about the song." "He doesn't have to." "♪ Alpha Chi till the day we die ♪" "♪ You're gonna like our apple pie ♪" "♪ We're hot, we're funny, our disposition's sunny... ♪" "I thought you were gonna do that with me." "Not while I'm sober." "Hey, I'm sober." "And you did that anyway." "Good for you." "Hey, the three of us are going to the bar tonight to watch the game, so I was thinking if you weren't doing anything, you should come." "Please, for the love of God." "Sure, I don't have any plans." " Okay." " Great." "So, Kelly, what brings you back to L.A.?" "The music business." "I'm a song writer." "Plus, I've been wanting to see Jordan ever since I read in the Alpha Chi newsletter that her husband left her." "Who would put that in there?" "You did." "Nobody kept in touch with me." "The divorce must have been really tough." "Ugh, I can't imagine what that's like." "I've never been dumped." "I guess I'm just lucky in love." "That's what makes you so special." "Oh, hold on." "I have a call." "Aunt Betty?" "No, I'm not on my way." "Oh, my God." "That is today?" "I will be there as soon as I can." "Kelly, I am so sorry." "I promised my aunt that Sean and I would go to my cousin's Nordic folk dance recital." "That sounds great." "Have a good time." "You're going with me." "But you guys should still watch the game." " Is that okay with you guys?" " I'm fine with it as long as Charlie is." "Oh, I'm good as long as you're not gonna be all bummed out about missing the emotional thrill ride of the Danish dance-off." "It's Nordic, not Danish." "And "dance-off" implies exciting competition." "This is merely a three-hour clogging and snowshoe dance exhibition." "Oh, God, please don't make me go." "I'll do anything." "You're going." "Charlie, can I talk to you for a minute in the other room?" "It's about the clinic." "Listen, about the clinic, the booze in my desk was because it was Jerry the guard's birthday and the bullet holes in your desk were because we got a little drunk and he let me try his gun." "Don't sleep with Kelly." "Oh, good." "I thought this was about something else." "Look, Kelly just moved to town and you're my partner." "I don't want it to be awkward when we hang out." "Oh, come on, Jordan." "It's always gonna be awkward when we hang out." "It's not your fault." "I'm much cooler than you are." "Not you and me, me and her." "Oh, well, then that's gonna be awkward no matter what 'cause she's much cooler than you, too." " Charlie." " Okay, okay." "I won't hit on her." "And by the way, it's not my fault that every person in your life is attracted to me." "I'm the victim here." "S02E74 "Charlie Pledges a Sorority Sister"" "Okay, you know what?" "I'm online looking at a clip of a Nordic dance recital." "I've never seen white people move like this before." "I'm actually really looking forward to it." "You cannot tell Charlie this, but I made the whole thing up so Charlie and Kelly could be alone." "That way, Charlie can do what he always does... sleep with her, find something wrong with her, and then never call her again." "Okay, are you doing this for Charlie's birthday?" "Because I didn't get him anything." "Somehow, every guy that slept with Kelly fell in love with her and never dumped her." "But whenever I was dumped, she went out of her way to rub my face in it." ""Wow, dumped again." "That must suck." "I just can't relate."" "Well, now you're gonna relate, bitch." "That's incredibly vengeful and petty." "I know." "It's horrible and I'm not proud." "But it feels really good and I like it." "Hey, I got your dress." "Hang on, I'm having a little issue with Tiffer." "Oh, tell him I really appreciate this opportunity." "Okay." "Screw you, you son of a bitch!" "And I can't wait to meet him." "You cheated on me and I never want to see you again!" "So I got your dress." "How could he do this to me?" "When I called him last night," "I could hear he was at a concert with another woman." "Oh, my God, that sucks." "But you're still going to the awards, right?" "What?" "No, I am done with him." "He couldn't even come up with a good excuse." "He said he was at home listening to a concert on YouTube." "Maybe he was." "Do you know how many times" "I have been falsely accused of going to a concert when really I was at home listening to YouTube?" "You're just saying that because you want me to go to the awards show with him so that he'll wear your tux and I'll wear your dress." "No, I wasn't even thinking about the dress." "I am thinking about you and how you need to commit to a relationship for a change." "Maybe you're right." "I'll give him the weekend to miss my cleavage and then when he gets back from the awards show, we'll work it out." "Or you could get back together with him right now and break up with that girl who does your eyebrows." "She's the one who can't be trusted." " Hey." " Hey." "How'd it go with Kelly last night?" "You guys get along?" "♪ Charlie. ♪ Oh, hey, Sean." "Yeah, we found a couple of things in common." "Thanks for the coffee, sweetie." "I'm gonna go upstairs to get dressed." "Okay, see you soon." "You're the best." " I can't stand her." " What?" "We actually have nothing in common." "Unless she doesn't like being around her either." " I can't believe this worked." " What worked?" "Nothing." " What is up with you?" " Up with me?" "Nothing is up with me." "It is you with whom things are up." "Okay, now I know something is going on." "You just used the word "whom" properly." "All right, don't tell her I told you..." "Jordan has a sorority girl vendetta against Kelly." "Kelly's never been dumped before and Jordan wants her to know how it feels." "But why would she tell me not to sleep with her?" "I don't know." "It's some reverse cowgirl psychology." "Reverse psychology." "Whatever, dude." "If you wanna take the fun out of it." "I cannot believe that Jordan thinks I'm so predictable that she can use me." "Well, screw that." "I am not dumping Kelly." "I'll spend the next 50 years suffering with that annoying weirdo if I have to." "And then... then we'll see who's smarter than whom." " Jordan:" "Charlie." " That's Jordan." "I do not want to get in the middle of this." "No, no, it's too late." "You're not gonna be in the middle." "You're just gonna lie for me and do everything I say." "Now act natural." "(sighs)" "What are you doing?" "You've never stood that way before in your life." "You made me self-conscious." "I don't know what to do with my hands." "Hey, guys." " Everything okay?" " Yeah, why?" "What do you do with your hands that's so great?" "All right." "Uh, Charlie, did you have a good time with Kelly last night?" "Look, this is usually where I lie, but this time, I'm not going to." "I slept with Kelly." "She's upstairs right now." "What?" "!" "No!" "And after what I told you." "Charlie, why?" "Look, I'm sorry." "I couldn't control myself." "You know me." "I do know you and I know what you're gonna do next." "You're gonna toss her aside and then it's on to the next beautiful man." "Well, just do it already." "Get her down here right now and rip the Band-Aid off." "It'll be painful, but that's great." "I mean, that's life." "Actually, I'm not gonna let her go." "Oh, so you're gonna string her along all afternoon and then dump her?" "God, you're heartless." "When should I swing by?" "Around 6:00?" "No, no, no." "Something happened last night." "I felt a connection." " This could be the one." " What?" "Hey, Jordan." "Kelly, hi." "Please don't be mad at me." "I know Charlie's your partner." "I didn't plan for this to happen, but it did." "You're not upset, though, are you?" "Are you kidding?" "What would make her happier than seeing me and her best friend Kelly together, right, Jordan?" "Yeah." "What are the odds?" "Sean, let's go get some drinks." "It's breakfast time and you're a recovering alcoholic." "God, this day is just getting better and better, isn't it?" "I'm so glad to hear that I've captured your heart because I feel the same way." "In fact, I've written a song about it." "A song, you say?" "Mm-hmm. (blows raspberry)" "♪ Yesterday ♪" "♪ I met a guy named Charlie ♪" "♪ Our first date was watching a game ♪" "♪ At the Merry Peasant... ♪" "Two, three... ♪ It's this place right on Ventura ♪" "♪ Near Laurel Canyon, Canyon ♪" "♪ But if you hit Coldwater ♪" "♪ You've gone too far. ♪" "You know, I may have gone too far." "Oh. (giggles)" "♪ Cleo is filing ♪" "♪ Papers are piling ♪" "♪ So Cleo's filing... ♪" "Okay, okay, enough, enough with the filing song." "I cannot hear one more song about what people are doing." "What's the matter, Charlie?" "Two days ago, I started seeing this girl who thinks it's awesome to sing to me about every single insignificant thought that crosses her mind." "So what's wrong with that?" "Because it's awkward, it's creepy, and she stares at me while she's doing it." "But she does sometimes cry at the end, so there's that." "Ooh, that girl sound crazy." "Why don't you just break up with her?" "Because Jordan set me up with this girl hoping I'd dump her." "But I'm not gonna give her that kind of satisfaction." "I gotta get this girl to dump me." "Ooh, Charlie, I know what you need." "You need a kind of instant break-up, the kind that happens when they catch you cheating." "I know, I know, but I can't just ask someone," ""Hey, can you pretend like we're on a romantic date so my crazy girlfriend can walk in on us and break up with me?"" "My sister will do it for a couple hundred bucks." "What?" "She's a single mom and she really needs the money." "And she's a good actress, too." "Whenever the cops would come looking for me, she'd get them to believe that I wasn't home." "Except for the time she invited them inside for a beer." "We had a talk about that." "You know what?" "This could work." "If she can be at my house at 6:30 today, that would be great." " What's her number?" " You know, Charlie?" "This is the first time somebody's asked me for my sister's number and I haven't stabbed them in the throat." "It feels good, doesn't it?" "Yeah, we'll see." "So you're a music producer, huh?" "Aw, crap." "You don't have a band, do you?" "Aw, crap." "No, no, I don't have a band." " I'm just making conversation." " Well, forget it." "I'm not signing you and I'm definitely not listening to your demo." " What's the name of your band?" " "Douche on a Stool."" "Well, my entire body has been waxed, bleached, lasered, buffed, and polished." "It's true." "I spilled a Coke on her and it beaded up and rolled right off." "Here, you can take off the jacket now." "You look really handsome in that tux." "You're so hairless." "You're like a mannequin or something." "(giggles) Oh, my God, Nolan, what did I say I looked like?" " A mannequin." " A mannequin." "I'm gonna walk Tiffer to his car." "Did you know there's a job where you can wax the hair off a woman's body all day?" "Look what just fell out of Tiffer's pocket." "Two tickets to last night's Drake concert and pictures of him with some girl in a photo booth." "I asked you a question." "Did you know and not tell me?" " (knocks on door)" " Coming." "Mom, it's a two-year-old kid." "If he's crying, pick him up." "Then maybe put down the beer." "I gotta go." "Screw you!" "Hi." "I'm Vanessa, Ernesto's sister." "I can tell." "You both have that come-hither-and-I'll-kill-you kind of look." "I know, right?" "So what do you want me to do?" "Well, Kelly will be here any minute, so we're just gonna sit on the couch, have a glass of wine, so when she walks in," " it'll look like we're on a date." " Whatever." "But no wine." "I'm very careful about what I put into my body." "Okay, fine." "No wine." "But it has to look like she's catching us doing something." "There's no way I'm doing anything with you." "I don't even know you." "I understand, but it has to seem like we know each other." "Then we're gonna have to pretend or something." "Okay, welcome to where we are." "(knocks on door)" "You know what?" "Jut go upstairs, count to three, and then come down like we just had sex." "Fine." "Kelly, what are you doing here?" "You told me to come at 7:00 and it's 7:00." "Dang!" "That was some good sexual intercourses we had, Charlie." "Oh, hello." " Who's this?" " Who's this, Charlie?" "Is this another one of your girlfriends like I am?" "God, you must be so mad catching us." " Are you mad?" " Well, of course she's mad." "How could she not be mad?" "She just caught us having sex." " She probably wants to leave me right now." " I can't believe this." "Yeah, this is horrible." "I was just telling Charlie, between rounds of intercourses..." " (cell phone chiming)" " Mom, what do you want?" "Well, who told you to give him a fire extinguisher?" "Well, that's what you get for giving him matches." "I'm on my way." "I gotta go." "You, it was nice to meet." "And you, I'll call you... for more intercourse." " (door slams) - (Sighs)" "Kelly, I'm so sorry you had to see that." "Charlie, what is going on?" "I'm a sick man is what's going on." "I'm compelled to be with many different women at the same time and probably a much wider variety than you'd expect." "Charlie..." "Look, I completely understand if you want to walk out that door and never see me again." " Oh, yeah?" "Well, you know what?" " What?" "♪ I'm going to change you ♪" "♪ We can go to a counselor ♪" "♪ I know a good one right on Ventura ♪" "♪ Near the restaurant we went to... ♪" "I feel so fortunate to have found a woman so understanding." "♪ There's five more verses... ♪" "Awesome." "All right, we're here." "Let's hit it, babe." "Oh, wait, let me check my hair, okay?" "You look perfect." "Like an angel." "An angel with a huge rack." "Aww." " (crowd shouting) - (Camera shutters clicking)" "Thank you so much for stopping me from breaking up with him." " And I thought he was cheating." " Cheating?" "Yeah, I mean," "I thought he was at a concert last night with some other woman, but Patrick convinced me that he was at home watching YouTube." "Tiffer is the best." "I feel like he could be the one." "Lacey, wait." "There's something I gotta tell you about Tiffer." "No, you don't." "He is cheating on you." "Patrick found ticket stubs and a picture of him and some girl that fell out of his coat pocket." "So you knew he was cheating on me this whole time" " and you didn't say anything?" " What was I supposed to say?" "The guy you like is cheating on you?" "Yes!" "Well, now I know for next time." "This is how people learn." "You are a selfish dick!" "I agree, but the best revenge is looking great." " Go!" " You're right." "I'm here, this is a great opportunity," "I might as well make the most of it." "And of all things, remember this... it's not Patrick, it's "Pa-treek."" "Pa-treek." "Got it." "We'll be watching." "Why would you do that to me?" "When my heart hurts, I have to say stuff when I think it." "Well, that's just stupid and sad." "Woman:" "Thank you so very much." "Oh, my God." "Look, she's on TV." "Oh, my gosh, will you look at this?" "This is the most gorgeous dress of the evening." " Who are you wearing?" " Versace." "No!" "Hi." "Thank you for coming." " I got you a scotch." " Ah, no problem." "Although, I do hate being away from my Kelly-belly." "Thanks." "Here, I'll trade you." "Keep 'em coming." "Look, I'm gonna make this quick." "I... left you alone with Kelly because I wanted you to sleep with her and dump her." "Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait." "So do you tricked me into falling in love with the woman of my dreams and now... now you want me to break up with her?" "Well, I was hoping you would, but now that you've fallen in love with her..." "Okay, I'll do it." " But only for you." " Really?" "Yes, yes." "You're more important." "I mean, sure, I could've had a wonderful future with this woman, but you, you're my pal." "Charlie." "I found you." "You always do." "Jordan, could you give us a minute alone?" "Sure." "Let her down hard." "Please." "It's so good to see you." "Yeah." "Look, I need to talk to you about something." "I hate to do this, but I really think that we should break..." "I'm breaking up with you." "What?" "I'm breaking up with you and I did it first." "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "So this is your way of never being broken up with?" "Maybe that's our problem." "You don't make any sense." "In any case, you're not breaking up with me." "I am breaking up with you." "Well, either way, as long as I'm out." "♪ I'm so sorry for breaking your heart ♪" "♪ It's probably better this way... ♪" " Sweetie, are you okay?" " I'm fine." "Charlie's not." "I just dumped him." " What?" " You should probably go console him since you know how that feels." "Look, I don't know what they did to you people during hazing in Alpha Chi, but it really screwed you up."