" Hello, Napoleon." " Hey, Pedro." "Hi." "This is Napoleon Dynamite calling from the Preston Bugle." "Would you like to buy ad space in our crappy newspaper that nobody reads?" "Why not?" "!" "Napoleon, I don't want to tell you how to do your job, but your sales technique leaves a lot to be desired." "I thought you didn't want to tell me how to do my job, Deb." "This paper's lame." "I'm only doing this because I wanted to be called "Scoop."" "This is a sad day to be a school newspaper editor, kids." "You know why?" "Because your wife left you for her calligraphy instructor?" "No, Scoop." "Although that was one beautiful Dear John letter." "Is it because newspapers have words that we're expected to read?" "I'm afraid so, Summer." "I knew it!" "But a free press is the cornerstone of any democracy." "It's the only way to deliver breaking news on a monthly basis." "I appreciate your passion, Deb, but I'm afraid it's time to stop the presses for good." "Wait!" "Whuh?" "Just give me 24 hours to come up with a great story that will send sales through the roof and save the paper." "Just 24 hours!" "Yes, I heard you the first time." "Very well, Deb." "Does this mean I have to keep calling people?" "You bet!" "This is Napoleon Dynamite from the Preston Bugle." "Well, I think your name is stupid!" "Grandma, I found a gingersnap and a gun in the backseat." "Yikes!" "I gotta find a safer place to hide my gingersnaps." "Okay, a good reporter doesn't find great stories." "She finds good stories and makes them great." "She also thinks to herself, not out loud." "Hey, Deb, you should do an exposé on me." "Did you know I was a Gerber Baby?" "That's a lie." "But I have worn the same pair of pants for five years." "Would your readers care about that?" "You should write about how Napoleon is afraid of the vacuum." "Shut up!" "You don't know anything about journalism!" "Who are you telling to shut up?" "Give me that!" "Dang it." "You should do an article about why the pharmacy closes so early." "It says 6:00 p.m. on the door, but they lock up at 5:45!" "Those are pretty much the worst stories I've ever heard." "Look, Deb, if you really want to save your horse's life..." "I'm trying to save the school paper!" "Whatever." "You should do a story about the Mineshaft Monster." "Nobody's ever seen the Mineshaft Monster." "He's like Bigfoot... he's not real." "You just lied three times in that statement." "If he's not real, how do you explain all the cattle mutilations in 1971, and all the nightmares I have about him?" "You want a story, Deb?" "How about "Man Throws Perfect Spiral"?" "Whoa, I did it!" "Hello, Dynamite family!" "Ouch!" "Mi cabeza!" "That gives me a great idea, Mr. Rico!" "Fantastic!" "But no questions about my war record." "I'm technically still supposed to be in Kuwait." "So anyway, Pedro, here's the idea." "An all-access, no-holds-barred interview with the Student Body President!" "There are so many more interesting people at the school than me." "You should interview that history teacher who plays the banjo." "Or that girl who went to Israel and never shuts up about it." "Come on, Pedro." "Please?" "You don't want the school paper to die under your administration, do you?" "Okay, Deb, I'll let you access me." "And in Israel, they have this stuff called falafel." "It is so much better than anything in America!" "Ugh!" "Buenos dias!" "Yo soy Felipe con el Loco Zoológico Mañana!" "Y ahora numero uno un éxito que no es Lady Gaga!" "Hey." "Good morning, Mr. President!" "Why are you watching me sleep?" "I'm shadowing you." "I want our readers to feel like they're with you every minute of the day." "Okay, but the sounds you hear for the next five minutes are off the record." "So what does the president eat for breakfast?" "Tasty-O's." "They're a lot like Cheerios but not as tasty." "So you prefer showers to baths?" "I follow my heart." "So, you're Pedro's friend." "That must be exciting." "What the heck is wrong with you?" "Just pretend I'm not here." "Have your normal morning conversation." "Okay." "Hey, Pedro?" "Yes, Napoleon?" "Would you rather wrestle a bear or karate-fight a moose?" "Hmm." "I'd probably wrestle the bear." "I don't know." "The bear has wicked claws, but the moose has more woodland allies." "I'd still pick the bear." "Yeah, me, too." "Why aren't you writing this down?" "!" "This is gold!" "Carl, Carl's Clock Repair." "Here's your problem..." "it's set too loud." "That'll really emphasize the passage of time." "Mr. President, we have a problem that only you can solve." "What is it?" "How do you say "water" in Spanish?" "Agua." "You're amazing." "Pedro, the cheerleading team needs money, but I can't think of a single fund-raising idea." "Wait a second, bake sale, car wash, kissing booth." "You're right, there's lots of ways." "Thanks, Pedro." "Sometimes you just have to let them talk." "How's that clock doing?" "Good." "Great!" "Well, that's basically my day, Deb." "Oh, Pedro, I can't thank you enough." "This is going to be such a good article." "I've got so much great stuff." "Oh... who am I kidding?" "I've got nothing." "I'm sorry, Deb." "It's not your fault Preston is the most boring city in America." "I guess this is the end of the school paper." "I can't believe the Morse code club outlasted us." "Too soon!" "Pedro, I was up all night thinking about our conversation yesterday, and I've had a complete change of heart." "I'd rather karate-fight a moose." "It's your funeral." "Newspaper story!" "Read all about it!" "Hey, look at all the jerks buying the school paper." "You really did the right thing by helping Deb." "But nothing interesting happened all day." "She must be a really good reporter." "Most boring city in America?" "He's obviously never been to Whitefish Bay, Wisconsin!" "And I suppose my father's escrow company is boring?" "!" "Right." "Am I offended?" "Yeah-hah!" "Ugh!" "Wednesday lunch is lasagna and fries?" "Why do they do that?" "!" "Traidora!" "Oh, the headline, yeah." "I thought about going with "President Gets Clock Fixed,"" "but this was juicier." "You were right... caught my eye." "But now the whole school hates me." "It's not my fault." "You agreed to the interview." "Yeah, Pedro." "You did do that." "You said all-access, no-holds-barred." "You could have held one of the bars." "Yeah, Deb." "Just one freakin' bar." "Just tell everyone you got it wrong and I didn't say it." "But you did say it!" "The first rule of reporting is to put the truth above all." "And the first rule of friendship is to not screw Pedro." "Yeah, Deb, you should never..." "You can't agree with both of us, Napoleon." "Yeah, Napoleon." "Whose side are you on?" "Uh..." "Why are you wailing on that can?" "It didn't betray you." "Yeah, I know." "I'm just filled with rage." "You're making too big a deal of this." "It's just the stupid school paper." "Nobody else cares." "There he is!" "The kid who hates us!" "Mr. Sanchez, what do you find so boring about Preston?" "Are you bored right now?" "Do you think this is a huge overreaction for something printed in a high school newspaper?" "Well, to be honest..." "Oye Presidente Pedro, usted es un hombre despreciable!" "Not you, too, Felipe in the morning!" "Y ahora para la música nueva que no es Reba McEntire!" "Here's your Helper." "Sorry, we're out of hamburger." "Thank you for sheltering me from the angry town, Señorita Dinamita." "It's nice to have some diversity in the house." "I don't know why you hate Preston so much, Pedro." "I can't think of a more exciting town from which to access the Internet." "I don't hate Preston!" "I just made an innocent remark that blew up in my face, surprising me greatly." "Yeah, that's the advantage of being an old lady." "I can say any rotten thing I want and people just think I'm a "character."" "Watch this." "Hey, mailman!" "I get one more wet catalog and I'm putting a bullet in your head!" "Oh, Mrs. Dynamite." "You are a character!" "Things look bad now, but I'm sure the good people of Preston will eventually forgive me." "You got that right, Pedrah." "When I lost that big football game," "I thought my life was ruined forever, but look at me now!" "Whoop, my underwear's done boiling!" "On second thought, I better face the town now so I can continue washing my underwear like a human being." "And there's my poached eggs!" "Pedro, you've done a great thing by appearing here today." "Yay." "You've given us a focal point to direct our various rages and disappointments, whatever those may be." "I'm unemployed!" "My sports team lost!" "My liposuction hurts." "My wives are plain and dim!" "We is." "I'm sorry for all your crazy problems, but if you'll allow me to explain..." "No!" "You might change our minds!" "Stone him!" "Don't worry, little buddy, I got this." "♪ Nothing left for me to do but dance ♪" "♪ All these bad times I'm going through... ♪" "Whoa, look at him prance and strut about the stage." "He's losing weight and having fun." "What were we angry about again?" "It's a trap!" "He's trying to dance his way into our hearts!" "Frankly, I'm surprised it worked the first time." "♪ Grandma's very sleepy" "♪ Firearms are safe with me ♪" "♪ My foes will start respecting me ♪" "♪ She's not sleepy as I thought ♪" "♪ I'm going to eat some jelly." "That's a catchy little tune there, Kip." "Let me try." "♪ Rico is the thief of hearts ♪" "♪ Full of sexy body parts." "Oh!" "Lunch is so much more fun with just the two of us, isn't it, Napoleon?" "What are you talking about?" "Pedro always shares his tots with me." "I'll share with you." "Forget that, Deb." "All you ever eat is cottage cheese." "You should've just written a story about the Mineshaft Monster, like I ordered you to." "Pedro, come here." "Hello, Napoleon." "Hello, girl who ruined my life." "Hello, guy who doesn't understand journalistic integrity." "Well, I guess that's that." "Friends again." "You guys want to go throw stuff off a roof?" "We're not friends, Napoleon." "Yeah, we're pretty much enemies." "So I think you have to choose who you want to hang out with." "What?" "It took me 16 years of putting up with idiots to find two friends I could stand." "I'm not choosing!" "Well, I'm not staying here with her." "And I'm not staying here with him." "He's not even here anymore!" "Ugh." "I hate sitting alone." "Hi." "I know you don't know me, but can I sit with you guys?" "The more, the merrier." "What's your name?" "Geez." "Do you always talk this much?" "Hmph!" "Ugh." "I hate sitting alone." "♪ To think that only yesterday" "♪ I was cheerful, bright and gay ♪" "♪ Looking forward to, but who wouldn't do ♪" "♪ The role I was about to play" "♪ But as if to knock me down" "♪ Reality came around" "♪ And without so much as a mere touch ♪" "♪ Cut me into little pieces" "♪ Leaving me to doubt" "♪ Talk about God and His mercy" "♪ Oh, if He really does exist" "♪ Why did He desert me?" "♪ In my hour of need" "♪ I truly am indeed" "♪ Alone again Checkmate." "♪ Naturally" "♪ Alone again" "♪ Naturally." "Okay, net's ready." "We haven't played badminton as a family in a long time." "Yeah, well, normally I play with Pedro and Deb, but I'm kinda stuck with you guys." "Why don't you just imagine we're your friends?" "That was sick." "Okay, birdie-up!" "Ouch." "You definitely put some English on that." "I think I have a chest concussion." "Why are you so fragile?" "My eardrums!" "Napoleon, I know you miss your friends, but you gotta be patient." "Yeah, everyone will forget how much they hate Pedro when a new, more exciting story comes along." "Like a six-headed baby or a war in outer space." "Yeah, I guess that would do it." "I think a bee went up my shorts." "Oh." "Yup, it did." "Hmm?" "I like girl clothes." "Yes!" "Thank you for coming here today." "I can't believe you trapped us." "And there weren't even any girl clothes." "Both of you shut up!" "Here's the deal." "I figured out a way for the three of us to be buds again." "But we're gonna have to work together." "I hope you went to the activities board to reserve this gym." "Yeah, I talked to Lucy." "We're good until next period." "Go on, then." "Look, Pedro wants the town to stop hating him," "Deb wants to be a good reporter, and everybody wants me to be happy." "How do we accomplish these goals?" "Three simple words:" ""Mine Shaft Monster."" "You didn't talk to Lucy, did you?" "She was away from her desk!" "Look, we need a big news story to knock Pedro off the front page, and a photo of the Mineshaft Monster will do that." "Forget it, Napoleon." "There is no monster, except the one I'm tied up next to." "And while I do believe in monsters of all types," "I would never work with someone who would sell out a friend for a snappy headline." "Fine, if you two don't give a crap about our friendship," "I'll just have to give enough crap for the three of us!" "Why did you want girl clothes?" "Who doesn't?" "Oh, man, I remember this mineshaft." "My friend, Dave, died here in high school." "I brought the prettiest girl to that funeral." "Her name was..." "Her name was Jordan, you made out next to the coffin!" "You only tell this story, like, every day." "So when the monster shows, you put him in a headlock, and I'll snap the picture." "Then I'll try to save you before he rips out your pancreas and drinks its juice." "I don't know, Napoleon." "I don't like having my picture taken." "What was that?" "It was a freakin' coyote." "It was the ghost of Dave." "I still owe him money." "How can you owe a ghost money?" "Because I bet him 20 bucks he wouldn't jump down that mineshaft." "You coming?" "No way!" "I'm not a big chicken like you?" "Okay, Mineshaft Monster, you don't scare me." "But that owl sort of does." "That makes it worse." "I don't know how I feel about that." "This is Napoleon's video journal." "Let's see, it's day... one." "I already ate all my food." "It was pretty good." "No sign of the Mineshaft Monster yet." "Um, if you're watching this, that'd be pretty weird 'cause I'm pretending this rock is a camera." "I'm super cold, I'm haunted by my past, and animals act really weird at night." "Shh..." "Eerie." "Grandma, when I'm older, can I have a gun?" "Nope." "Can I dream of having a gun?" "Nope." "What the...?" "!" "You left Napoleon out in the woods by himself?" "!" "Are you an idiot?" "!" "Sure sometimes, but there was this ghost you see, and..." "That was no ghost!" "That was the Mineshaft Monster!" "You believe in that nonsense?" "Permission to stay behind and finish the dishes?" "Get inside!" "Geez!" "Hey, Monster, come here." "Don't worry, nobody's gonna take a picture of you." "Sucker." "Oh, dang." "I am Napoleon Dynamite of the human race." "Prepare to be photographed." "Ah!" "It's bright!" "Deb, why are you wearing a lame monster costume?" "I thought it was scary." "My mom said it was scary." "That's 'cause she's too supportive!" "What are you doing down here?" "I was worried about you being out here all alone, so I thought I'd help you get your picture." "Drink coasters?" "Macaroni?" "This isn't a monster..." "it's freakin' rainy day fun." "Are you going to take my picture or what?" "Pedro?" "Pedro?" "Now that's how you make a monster, Deb." "Fangs, appendages, no sequins." "I was building it for the Dia de los Muertos parade, but I decided to break it out early so you could get your picture." "See?" "You guys thought you hated each other, but you came up with the same plan so we could all be friends again." "Pedro just did it way cooler." "Sorry, Deb." "I just think you suck at making monsters." "Sorry I didn't get a picture of the monster, Pedro." "I guess I'm gonna be on the front page forever." "Wait, what if we start a big fire, or a war in outer space?" "I don't think those are good ideas." "At least I'm pitching." "Thank goodness you're okay, Napoleon." "That gol dang monster could have deboned you and worn you like a human poncho." "What's wrong with you people?" "There is no monster!" "Rico...!" "Dave!" "Dude, you still owe me 20 bucks for jumping down that mineshaft." "I'll get you the money!" "You're just gonna have to wait till I sell my screenplay." "And write it." "Got any ideas?" "Oh, for cryin' out..." "Listen, hippie..." "Put the grandma down." "Hey, man, I don't want any trouble!" "Kip, you can't kill a ghost." "You can't?" "Not without charmed weaponry." "Gosh, read a book!" "Hey, Dave!" "Double or nothing says you won't jump down that mineshaft again." "40 bucks?" "!" "You're on, sucker!" "Ow." "My ghost back." "Idiot." "Look at that!" "We're the original Ghostbusters!" "Deb, I thought that story was supposed to knock me off the front page." "Well, at least you're below the fold." "Yeah, took me 15 years to get there." "Hey, you guys want to go to the Tots 'n' Nuggs and share your food with me?" "Who are you waving at, Napoleon?" "Just a friend, Deb." "Just a friend."