"Hi." "What are you doing here?" "Can't a doting daughter drop by unannounced to get bonkers with her beautiful mother?" "You're feeling guilty for not giving me a job." "Yes, I am." "Drink up." "Given the kind of guilt you must be feeling, it should be a better bottle of wine." "I'm pretty sure it's the thought that counts." "Jeez, Mom." "Sad chicken?" "What?" "It's healthy." "It's microwave dinner for one at 4:30." "It's an edible suicide note." "Come on, it's Saturday night." "You should be out having fun." "Why aren't you out having fun?" "I'm here with my mother." "Yay!" "Fun!" " Do you know what you need?" " Hmm?" "A boyfriend." "I send that entire sentence back to you." "Mom, I know you." "You're happy when someone's taking care of you." "And you have someone to care of." "You know, being a part of a couple, going on dates, subverting your needs..." " All the things that you can't stand?" " Yes!" " What about Mr. Bradley?" " Our old neighbor?" "Yeah." "Where is he?" "Last I heard, he's in a wheelchair." "Minus both his feet." "Okay, so not Mr. Bradley." "But there has to be someone out there for you." "I don't know." "That's because you haven't met them yet." "Maybe I should just accept the fact that I'm going to be alone." "Oh, right, alone." "Just act like I don't exist." " Oh, right." "You already do." " I don't mean alone, alone." "I meant alone without a man, not alone with you." "I..." "I like you." " I struggle to believe you." " I do, too." "Where were you, in a bunker in the sixties?" "That's where the rest of us discovered you don't need a man to define yourself." "No, you don't." "But you might like this one." "You're serious?" "A dating site?" "Me?" "Oh, God." " Oh." "He's handsome." " And a doctor." "A doctor of what?" "Desperation?" "Can that happen in your meditation room, please?" "With the doors open?" "What I'm hearing is, "Stay where you are with the doors closed."" "Look at foxy Dr. Paul." "Oh, God." "I don't see myself doing that." "Why not?" "Mom, I do it." "I mean, I've met some pretty passable guys." "One of them had a micro-penis, but the rest were absolutely normal." "Yeah, and yet here you are "getting bonkers"" " with your mother on Saturday night." " By choice." "Well, I choose not to be murdered by a stranger that I met online." " I choose life." " Dr. Paul is not a murderer." "His hobbies include cutting fruit." "Wait, really?" "No, that was a joke." "Ha." "He's funny." "Make yourself a profile and you can find out more about him." "Without ever leaving your house." "Or you could just spend the rest of your life here with Frankie." "Man, my bra is tight!" "Ugh!" "Crap, I'm not wearing one." " I'll use my laptop." " Great." "There's a few things on my iPad you probably shouldn't see anyway." "Not porn." "Yeah." "So why are you hanging out here on a Saturday night?" "Why is everybody asking me that?" "Maybe I go out on Tuesdays." "When I was your age, I had two little kids..." " Horrible." " ...and a Buick station wagon." "The first time I threw up not in my own house was in the way, way back of that car." "That was a big moment." "I'm so glad my car was there for you." "That's good." "I'm gonna try the chair." "It's great." "I don't ever want to get married." "I'm currently advising against it." "I want a man who's there when I want him and gone when I don't and is affectionate, not too much, and has great hair and good hygiene." " You are describing a dog." " I am?" "Yes." "Oprah has a dog." "Oprah has..." "like, a bunch of dogs." "I will give you $20 if you get a dog and name it Oprah Winfrey." "Ah!" "No!" "Will you two not destroy my house, please?" "!" "I'm sorry!" "I thought we were destroying mine!" "Are you guys having issues?" "I mean, more than usual?" "The short answer is yes." "The long answer I'll hash out when I write a strongly-worded letter to myself." "How did you survive her?" "This helped." "If you look past the icy exterior, and the layers of walls, there's actually an amazing woman in there." " Hmm." " Still terrifying." "But amazing." " Do you wanna see a cool video?" " Yeah." "Why are you laughing?" "Why are you laughing?" "Oh, the phone's not on." "Mmm!" "Oh, I know what I can put here." "Was Larry's funeral really horrible?" "Wasn't great for Larry." "Wasn't fabulous for me, either." "Was she okay?" "I... don't know." " She's not exactly a big sharer." " No shit." "I'll tell you this, your Aunt Lydia is no friend of hers." "Uh, Lydia's a total bitch." " Uh-oh." "Offensive word." " Cunt?" "That's the word." "You've been a way better friend to my mom than Lydia has." "Tell her that." "No, not right now!" "I'm gonna check on her progress." "I think I would have slept with two guys by now." "Excuse me." " Find a boyfriend yet?" " Oh, yeah." "I'm already married and divorcing again." " Were you two talking about me?" " No." "A little bit." "No." "Because I said something the other day and she may have overheard, but I'm not sure." "She didn't mention anything." "Oh, I like that picture of you." " I look so square." " Yes." "No, you can't say you're 70, though." "Say that you're 64." "But I am 70." "I don't want to lie." "But you don't look 70, you look 64." "It's actually more honest to say that you're 64." "Okay." "You didn't answer "Biggest turn on in a man."" " That he's not gay." " Ha!" "Sorry." "You know what?" "Write down "Open-mindedness"" "for "Biggest turn on in a man." Guys love that." " Is that something perverted?" " What?" "Crazy..." "No, no." "Okay..." "What are you doing?" " You're done." "Press "Send."" " If I press that button, everybody in the world who looks at this site is going to know I'm a desperate loser." "Yes." "But Mom, they're all desperate losers, too, so..." "I don't like any of my answers." "Yeah, they suck. "Cultured"?" "You sound like yogurt." "Mom?" "I am not taking you two for frozen yogurt." " Please..." " I will drive." "I will drive." "You're high." "You're not driving my daughter anywhere." "You can barely drive when you're not high." "No, my reflexes are sharper when I'm high." "I get your point." " Come on, Mom." "You're done!" " No!" "What are you doing?" "!" "It's my computer." "Mom, please press "Send" so you can wink at Dr. Paul and then we can go out and get delicious, delicious frozen yogurt." "I know what I want." "No, no, wait..." "Now I know what I want." " Get in the car." " Yes!" "What am I doing wrong?" "It's side to side, right?" "You're out of cookies and cream!" "You're out of your mind." "You're good at this." "You should work here." " You should work here!" " Can we please go?" "This place smells like a breast." "I still can't decide." "Can I try the Uber Fudgey Brownie Batter again?" "Yeah, of course." "Oh, my God." "Brian." "I'm Brianna." "That's, like, the same name but without the "na."" "Oh, cool." "What's your last name?" "Here, I'm done, I'm here." "Let me pay, because I've got a sack full of quarters" "I have to use up and they closed my favorite Coinstar." " Hurry up." " One dollar." " Two dollars." " Come on, we have to go..." " Honey, you're on the floor!" " Mom?" "Are you all right?" " Don't move." " We really should call an ambulance." "What's wrong with you people?" "Back up!" "Back up!" "I'm sorry, you guys are blocking a fire exit and my manager, Heather, is gonna freak out." " We should call an ambulance." " What the hell, Brian!" " Did you even call 911?" "!" " She says she's fine." " Does she look fucking fine?" "!" " Just call them." " Hi, an old lady fell." " Don't move!" "The doctor's reviewing your x-rays." "He'll be right with you." "Yeah, you said that an hour ago." "She means "thank you."" " I'm gonna go call Mallory." " No!" "Don't call Mallory." "She'll make it a thing." "This is not a thing." " Okay, then I'm gonna get some ice." " I don't need ice." "Then I'm just gonna leave for a minute because I have to." " Don't move." "Don't move." " I want some water." " You can't have any water." " Why not?" " In case you need surgery." " What would I need surgery for?" "If, for example, you broke your hip." "Stop catastrophizing." "I did not break my hip." "You broke your hip." "Hi!" "Dr. Paul Mason." " Hello..." " She broke her hip?" " Yeah." " Oh, God, that means you have to operate?" "I mean, like all the old people stories you always hear?" "With the surgery, and the PT, and the pneumonia, and sexual assault?" "And it all ends..." "you know how it ends." " Dead." " You're going to end up dead." "Oh, let's not worry about all that stuff right now." "What we want to worry about is tissue necrosis." " Which is why I'm recommending surgery." " Oh, honey." "Now, once we get in there, we can decide if you're going to need a pin or a rod or maybe even a new joint." "I doubt it will come to that, but if we do, do you have a preference on titanium or plastic?" "Open-mindedness." "Did she hit her head when she fell?" " I don't think so..." " No, I did not hit my head." "I'm sorry, is surgery absolutely necessary?" "I don't want to have surgery." "I've never had surgery." "Not... ever?" "Not in the..." "upper regions of your body?" "Like, say, up around..." " like, there, maybe?" " No." " Are you on any drugs at the moment?" " I am not, but she is." "She takes Boniva for osteoporosis, Celebrex for arthritis, generic Diazepam for I don't know what, plus half a Sonata, Lunesta, or Ambien to help her fall asleep at night." "What, are you writing a book about me?" " How do you know all that?" " Oh, I don't know." "I tend to notice a person when I live with her." "I can't make out your date of birth here..." " I'm sixty-f..." " She's 70." "Seven-zero." "Once you hit seven-zero, the rate of complications triple after a hip event." "Also the chance of choking on a donut, but we'll worry about that later." "When's the last time you had something to eat?" "Oh, God..." "She had some chicken at five, and a glass of wine." "Two." "Two glasses of wine." "All right." "You sit tight." "I have to have surgery." "On my hip." "That monster Heather at that frozen yogurt place was right." "I am an old lady." " I feel so awful about all this." " Well, that's appropriate!" "I said I didn't want ice!" "Wake up." "Grace?" "Wake up." "There you are..." "Dr. Paul wants you to suck on this." "You have to suck on the inhalation nozzle, and move the balls." "Don't worry, I made a sex joke about that and he laughed." "He has a very nice laugh." "Okay, here you go." "Into your mouth." "Come on." "Suck the one ball." "Great!" "Now suck the other ball." "Come on, two balls." "Now suck the third ball." "Pull." "Pull." "You'll do better next time, but that was good." "What time is the surgery?" "It's already happened." "Don't you remember?" "Mallory dropped by?" "Dr. Paul wants you up and walking." "With that?" "No." "No." "Grace?" "!" "Grace?" "!" " Oh." "You didn't." " I didn't!" "Oh, my God, Grace." "Are you okay?" "Are you in pain?" "What can I do?" "Can I get you some pudding, or Jell-O?" "You can leave." "Why are you even here?" "Brianna called me." "She said you were..." "You don't look like you're dying." "So you own a lot of smart pantsuits." "What you don't own is flow-y broken hip clothing." "So I dumped Frankie's entire closet into this." "You told him I was dying?" "She said that you were dying!" " That is my concern." " I am not dying." "I'm so happy to hear that." "Oh, you're worried about me." "Of course I was worried about you." "Sol's worried about you, too." "Yeah, I can tell." "He's afraid of hospitals." "I left him in the car." "He's afraid of getting sick in hospitals." "He actually really loves hospitals." " Really?" " Bud's like that." " That's true!" " You know," "I have that same feeling sometimes." "I'm not always afraid of the hospitals." " But the diseases..." " There's a whole thing on NPR about how it's actually more dangerous." "You never know these days!" "You know what you can do to help?" "You can all leave." "Daddy, can you buy me some food that doesn't smell like decay?" "Of course I will." "I'll get you some pudding." "That's it." "Keep it up." "You're doing great." "Now you say it, "I'm doing great."" "I'll tell you what I'm doing great at is keeping my hands off your throat." "One more hallway and we're gonna rest." "Two more hallways, I'll give you a face massage." "Three more hallways and you'll let me have the beach house." "Oh, look at you, all wise-cracking." "You must be feeling better." "Cheater." "Dr. Mason's on his way." "Why would Dr. Mason be on his way?" "Maybe he has a crush on you." "Or maybe because I called him." "What?" "Why?" "You forgot Mallory came by to visit." "I was on drugs!" "You should know what that's like." " Wait a minute!" " Stop touching me!" " But I'm just trying to..." " What?" "Help?" "You're not helping!" "Helping would be not calling Dr. Mason." "Or not getting high and dragging me to frozen yogurt in the first place." " It was an accident." " Yes, an accident I blame you for." "I'm here, aren't I?" "You want to be in this hospital alone?" " Because they will kill you." " Either they will or you will." "You can be a real asshole sometimes, you know that?" "Well, you're an idiot." "You want to know why your son has drug problems?" "Look in the mirror." "Go fuck yourself." "I can't, Frankie." "I broke my hip." "Hi, Dr. Paul." "It's Dr. Mason." "My first name is Paul." "Oh, sorry." " Where's your friend?" " She left." "Ah." "Yeah." "You've got this upside..." "There you go." "There it is." "But before you get back to it, can you count backwards from ten for me?" "Ten, eleven, twelve..." "Backwards from ten." "Ten, eleven..." "No, that's not... wait." "Ten..." "Sorry..." "Ten..." "I'm concerned that you hit your head when you fell after all." "To rule out any brain trauma I'd like to do an MRI." "No, no." "I can't have an MRI." "There's absolutely no radiation." "You can radiate the hell out of me, but I can't, I can't get into the tube." "No, I can't." "Please, please, Dr. Paul... oh, Dr. Mason." "Would you like me to get you some Ativan?" "I'd like you to get me all the Ativan!" "No, no, no, I can't have an MRI!" "No, no, no, I can't do it, I can't!" "No!" "Squeeze the ball in your left hand if you have any problems inside." " Wait till you're inside." " Oh, oh, God, God..." "Ma'am, I know you're upset, but I need you to stay calm or the images will be blurry and we'll have to start all over again." "I can't." " I ca" " I can't..." " The first round will start in 30 seconds and it'll last five-and-a-half minutes." "Wait!" " Oh, no!" "Grace!" " Ma'am, you can't be in there!" "Patient's bill of rights!" "They told me about the MRI as soon as I got back to your room." " I know how claustrophobic you are." " Where did you go?" "I went to the cafeteria to get pudding." "Oh, my God, everyone was talking about it." " I thought you left me." " No!" "Why would I do that?" "You're so much fun." "What I said about Coyote..." "I was way out of line." "Yeah, no shit." " I don't want to die." " You're not gonna die." " I don't want to be alone." " I'm here." "Grace!" "Jeez." "Are you okay?" " I almost died." " You almost fell." "Thank you." "You're welcome." " Can I buy your yogurt?" " I already paid." "Come on." "Bring your big treat." "Whoa." "Oh." "Listen, I..." "At Larry's funeral, I said something about being stuck with you," " I don't even know if you heard me..." " Oh, I heard you." " I'm sorry." "I didn't mean it." " Yes, you did." "But you know what's worse than what you said?" "How you treat me." "It's like I'm just some annoyance you're forced to put up with." "But guess what, I'm the other person that all this happened to." "I'm just like you..." "but with a better personality." "Well." "Certainly bigger." "See?" "Why can't you appreciate me?" " I appreciate you." " You do?" "Duh." "I wouldn't have even gone to that funeral if it weren't for you, and that would have been wrong of me." "I would be apologizing to Larry's spirit for the rest of my days." "Like it or not, you're my friend." " I like it." " Then make me feel it." "I don't want to face this crappy part of my life alone." "Oh, your cookies and cream have melted." "You don't like melty frozen yogurt." "I felt that." "But you still owe me $5.16 for the yogurt." "In that case..." "Jesus, Brian, how many people have to bite it before you mop the floor?" "Sorry..." "Brian, you have wet nuts." "Okay." "Brian just friended me on Facebook." "It's kind of creepy." "It must have taken a lot of work for him to find me." " That's nice." " Yeah." "My life is a lot of sad chicken, too." "Goodnight, Mom." "I'm staying here tonight." "I'm too stoned to drive home." " 'Night, Brianna." " Be nice to her." " Good night, Frankie." " 'Night, honey." "Life is short, Frankie." "You know what we need?" "We need a girls' night." "Just us girls." "We can have drinks..." "and tapas... and just talk." "I'm never getting a hearing aid." "I think I'm better off missing most of what you say." "Let's see, did..." "Oh!" "Never gave me that Ativan."