"Whose idea was this?" "I don't know." "This is fun." "I don't even want to go in the limo." "You're gonna snag it up." "No, but it floats." "I'm looking forward to that show." "Oh, man." "It sold out." "Good cast." "That was a beautiful cast." "He can cast great." "He just can't catch anything." "He's a great caster." "Want to do a fishing show?" "All you think about is fishing shows." "I hate those." "Every cast, they catch a fish." "We got $5000 worth of gear here, and we can't get the bugs to bite." "First time I went fishing, I was going with this girl." "We were going down to the lake." "She wanted to make love on a horse." "I'd never done it." "We did it." "I'm trying to keep my balance, and she fell off." "Then the manager of the Wal-Mart come out and unplugged him." "I didn't want to make love on a horse." "I wanted to do it on a rocket ship they had." "Oh, man." "Shut up." "Who do you think has been with the ugliest woman here?" "Have you ever been with an ugly woman?" "The ugliest woman I've been with I was with last week." "And I'm starting to miss her." "You remember that movie 9 1/2 Weeks?" "When that fella had that woman blindfolded and fed her fruit?" "I had this idea to try that at my house." "Apparently, bologna and string cheese is not a big turn-on for a woman." "Choose your condiment correctly." "One of those shows I was watching said the big thing now is to talk to your partner while you're making love." "I heard that." "Yeah." "Which, where I come from, means, "Ain't no cars coming." "Relax."" "Hey, there's David." "David!" "Does he see us out here?" "We're in the middle of a lake, in a boat." "If he can't, I ain't riding with him." "Come on, guys." "Better get your stuff in." "Man, are you serious?" "Come on!" "Got a show to do!" "Have you ever had makeup on?" "One time, but I was young and needed the money." "Hey, guys." "David!" "I didn't want to interrupt you." "Listen, I took the liberty of doing a little shopping for you guys." "Now, as we discussed before I just think you should give some color, bring it to the stage, pizzazz." "David, this is the most dressed up Larry has been all year long." "That's great." "Listen, guys, pick a suit." "They're all labeled." "Try them on." "Knock it out the box, and I'll be back in a minute." "Okay, fellas?" "Do we put them on now?" "No way!" "Special sale?" "He bought stuff that was on sale?" "We're trying to get people's favorite Jeff Foxworthy jokes." "You know you're a redneck if you go to a family reunion looking for a wife." "You might be a redneck-- -lf your tires cost more than your truck." "You might be a redneck" "If you find yourself climbing a water tower" "To erase your sister's name." "If your wife has said, " Move this transmission, so I can take a bath!"" "I'm not just dead sure I've got underwear on." "There ain't no way I'm squeezing into these." "First of all, Tammy Faye Bakker I want to say-- I'm kidding you!" "Come on!" "You know you're a redneck if:" "Your mother can tell a state trooper to..." "Kiss her ass-- ...kiss her ass without taking the Marlboro out of her mouth." "You might be a redneck if you" "Got a motor swinging from a tree." "An engine swinging from a tree." "Look at this belt, fellas." "I didn't even know they made a 28-button suit." "You know you're a redneck if:" "You might be a redneck if" "You know you're a redneck" "Mow your lawn" "Mow your front yard" "If you mow your grass, and you find a car." "You might be a redneck if they say at a dance " Do the hoedown" and you throw your girlfriend on the floor." "What's up, G?" "A lot of white people in here this evening." "Where's my whores?" "Where's my whores?" "You look like my relatives!" "You can't go on-stage dressed like that!" "Phoenix, Arizona, this is it!" "Are you guys ready to laugh?" "Make some noise, please, for Mr. Ron White!" "Yesterday I was sitting in a beanbag chair naked, eating Cheetos." "I was flipping through the television, and I saw Robert Tilton." "He's a televangelist from Dallas, and he was staring at me." "He said this." "He said:" ""Are you lonely? "" "Yeah." "He said, " Have you wasted half your life in bars pursuing sins of the flesh? "" "This guy's good!" "He said, "Are you sitting in a beanbag chair naked, eating Cheetos? "" "Yes, sir!" "He said, "Do you feel the urge to get up and send me $1 000? "" "Close!" "I thought he was talking about me there for a second." "So anyway, I flew here from Flagstaff because my manager doesn't own a globe." "I flew here on a plane that big like a pack of gum with eight people in it, just:" "We took off from the Flagstaff Airport, Hair Care and Tire Center there." "We're traveling at half the speed of smell." "We got passed by a kite." "There was a goose behind us, and the pilot was going, "Go around!"" "We get halfway to Phoenix, we gotta go back." "It's a nine-minute flight can't pull it off with this equipment." "We had some engine trouble." "We lost some oil pressure in one engine." "They told us about it over the speaker system of the plane which was stupid because they could have just went:" ""Hey, we lost some oil pressure."" "Heard you!" "Everybody on the plane was nervous, but I'd been drinking since lunch." "I was like, "Take it down." "I don't care."" "You ever have one of those days?" ""Hit something hard." "I don't wanna limp away from this wreck."" "The guy sitting next to me is losing his mind." "Apparently, he had a lot to live for." "He goes, "Hey, man." "Hey, man if one of these engines fails, how far will the other one take us? "" "All the way to the scene of the crash which is pretty handy because that's where we're headed." "I bet we beat the paramedics there by a half-hour." "I saw something today that came close to truth in advertising." "The De Beers people are almost saying what they really mean because the old De Beers slogan was, " Diamonds are forever."" "Then they changed it to, "This year, take her breath away."" "The new slogan is, "Diamonds, render her speechless."" "Why don't they just go ahead and say it?" ""Diamonds, that'll shut her up!"" "For a minute." "It's good to be here." "I was here last summer." "They took me tubing down the Salt River, and I was baffled by this." "I had never done it before." "Twenty-one of us met to go tube the river." "We had six ice chests full of beer with the tubes wrapped around them." "We floated down that river drinking beer for six and a half hours." "Not one person had to pee." "Is that normal?" "I'd like to think my friends wouldn't pee on themselves." "I know I would." "That was the best thing about tubing." "You could just paddle up to somebody you don't even know talk to them while you're peeing on yourself." "That's relaxed, right there." "If you're floating down a river, drinking a beer, peeing on yourself there's no tension there." "Is there?" "I guess we'd been floating down that river for an hour before I realized everybody's just peeing on themselves." "And I thought:" ""Hell, I'll just pee on myself."" "Everybody got mad at me." "Of course, I was in a canoe." "Standing up too." "Not everybody got mad." "A couple people viewed it as a photo opportunity." "And I know that because I got their Christmas card last year." "I don't remember it being that cold that afternoon." "So I just got back from 1 0 days in Los Angeles." "If you ever have a chance to do that, pass on that." "I learn things when I go to L.A. I learned this:" "They have bikinis now made out of seashells." "I didn't know that." "I also didn't know this:" "If you're on a beach and you see a girl dressed in a bikini made of seashells and you pick her up and hold her to your ear you can hear her scream." "I thought I'd hear the ocean, but not over that woman." "We got in last night." "Some guys asked if I wanted to go to a topless bar and I didn't want to go." "I ended up going because, you guys back me up, you've seen one woman naked you wanna see the rest of them naked." "It could be an old biker chick." "You know they'll hang down to here." ""You want to see me naked? "" "Yeah, I do." "All right, that's enough." "Roll them back up." "Things that make you go:" "It was a wild night." "I got back to the Phoenician Hotel." "They're so snooty." "I got back to the hotel at 7:30 this morning and I went up to the desk to leave a wake-up call for 7:00." "And the lady goes, "Mr. White, it's past 7."" ""No, the next one." "You got another one coming around, don't you?" "Why don't you put me on that one?" "Hear they're running two a day through Arizona."" "I'm from Texas." "In Texas, we have the death penalty, and we use it!" "That's right." "If you come to Texas and kill somebody, we will kill you back." "That's our policy." "They're trying to pass a bill right now that will speed up the process of execution in heinous crimes where there's more than three credible eyewitnesses." "If more than three people saw you, you don't sit on death row for 1 5 years, Jack." "You go straight to the front of the line." "Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty." "My state's putting in an express lane." "Thanks for playing along." "I hope you enjoyed it." "Good night." "Fellas, look at this!" "Let's go in!" "No, no, no!" "It's Victoria's Secret!" "Come back here." "Come on!" "I wanna get my mom something." "The last time you were in there" "Hi, welcome to Victoria's Secret." "Let's just get in, get him out of here." "I want to get my mom something for her birthday." "Something like this, perhaps?" "Look at these!" "See, they're stretchy, you know." "These are small." "You got anything larger?" "Yes, I'm sure we have something." "These are cool." "Look at these." "See, this is what I'm talking about." "See how big it is?" "You can't do that." "This will cover the moles and the hair coming out the top and the whole deal." "She's got all sorts of problems." "Ron." "It ain't for me." "These are cool." "You got any with other sayings on them?" "Other sayings?" "Yes, we have "just married" or "sexy" or "foxy."" "You can have them embroidered." "I'd put "get her done" there." "Yes." "I could put some "get her done" drawers." "We gotta go." "Come on!" "I got a good-looking girl here." "We're looking at leopard bikinis." "I'm really sorry for him." "I'll come back." "She showed me all kinds of furry britches." "See you later!" "Bye!" "Remember when you used to get plastic dog turds..." "Black light bulbs." "...the plastic vomits, and the...?" "Nothing says, "Happy anniversary, sweetheart" like rubber dog turds." "I love this store." "This is the best store on the planet." "lt is." "This is" " I'm telling you, Jeff, this is art like you have never heard." "It's remote-control fart?" "You put it under somebody else's chair and walk out of the room." "That's beautiful." "How much is that?" "Have a good day." "This man has made enough money to buy anything in the mall and he gets the remote-control fart machine." "Very proud." "Oh, my God!" "You know, if we'd grown up together he would've been the guy we put in the trunk and pushed down the stairs." "Sorry about that." "Oh, my God!" "Maybe I'll get some." "lt lasts for 1 8 hours." "I apologize." "I'll be back." "Are you downwind or what?" "Yeah, I'll be back." "I'm sorry." "This is a long-lasting product" "He's still trying to sell the product the whole time I'm farting on him." "Phoenix, Arizona, I give you the one the only, Larry the Cable Guy." "Get her done!" "Boy, good to see you." "Good to see you." "I had a horrible nightmare last night." "I dreamt I drunk the world's largest margarita and woke up this morning, there was salt on the toilet lid." "Thank God I didn't eat the worm in there." "I'll tell you that much." "Boy, that wouldn't have been good, right there." "It was a crazy week." "I called one of them 900 talk-dirty numbers the other day." "You ever call one of them?" "Yeah!" "That's it?" "Two people?" "That's it?" "And those voices sounded familiar, to be honest with you." "Don't call." "It's a rip-off." "I got a girl that stuttered, and it cost me $1 700 on that deal." "Can you believe that?" "But I love women." "I used to date this one girl had one boob bigger than the other." "And she got in a wet T-shirt contest and took first and third place at that contest." "Bless her heart." "I was so proud of my sister, bless her heart." "I used to date this one girl looked like Michelle Pfeiffer, only shorter and the face was different." "I was drinking, it looked like Michelle Pfeiffer." "Next morning, Barney Pfeiffer's lying in the bed next to me." "She was ugly." "I had one girl had a beauty mark on her cheek." "That was sexy, like Cindy Crawford." "We get to kissing, and I was looking at it." "It was a tick!" "I know." "I disappeared like a set of rims at a Puff Daddy concert." "I'll tell you what, I was out the door." "Out the door." "So I went shopping around today." "Went to the mall." "You ever seen this PETsMART?" "The critter store?" "You been in there?" "You know what they got in there?" "A dog water-purifying machine." "You believe that?" "$75." "Dog water-purifying machine." "I'm like, "What's that thing do? " She says, "lt purifies your dog's drinking water."" ""He just ate a turd 1 0 minutes ago." "You got any turd-purifying machines in here, for Pete's sake? "" "What in the world?" "That's like wiping before you poop." "It don't make sense." "Doesn't make any sense at all." "Pete's sake." "Then I went in there-- I went in there to Victoria's Secret." "You ever been in there?" "Get her done." "That's right." "That's like a grown-feller Chuck E. Cheese in there." "I like that joint." "I was there the other day." "I was sniffing around a couple hours looking for some gift ideas." "You know what they got in there?" "Underbritches with holes in the crotch." "You believe that?" "Twenty-four dollars women paying for undershorts with holes in the crotch." "I'm like, " Dadgum, I got a whole drawer full of them at the house, for Pete's sake."" "I bet I'm sitting on two, $300 worth of them underdrawers." "A girl put a pair of them on for my birthday one time." "I come home, she's like, "You want some of this? "" "I'm like, "No, look what it did to your undershorts."" "Good Lord!" "What in the world?" "Looked like a good place for one of them Plug Ins or something, for Pete's sake." "Vanilla Plug Ins or something." "They got all kinds of stuff out there." "They got this deal now britches you eat." "You ever seen that?" "Eating britches?" "Who in the world thought of eating britches?" ""What do you want to do tonight? " "Let me eat your undershorts." "Give me a glass of milk." "I'll gobble them up right here, I tell you." "Honey, put some in the refrigerator." "I'll make a sandwich later."" "I was with a girl that liked that stuff." "I was seeing her for about six weeks." "And then somebody took my binoculars out of the truck." "She was a midget stripper." "And" " Seriously." "I met her at a party one night, and she popped out of a cupcake." "But anyway, she liked all them edible underbritches." "And I bought her five pairs of the strawberry eating-britches." "I bought five pair because I always eat two or three pair on the way to her house." "They're pretty good." "Thank God they don't make them in biscuits and gravy." "I'll tell you that much." "Doggone right." "I'd be getting fat just on undershorts." "Need some SnackWell panties." "That's what they need, right there." "Get her done." "That's right." ""Honey, I'm on a diet." "Put on some Fruit Roll-Ups, would you? "" "That's right." "Went in for a checkup the other day." "Doctor stick his finger up my hind end." "Didn't even tell me, just does it." "I'm standing there." "I'm like, "You gonna watch the ball game?" "What in the world? "" "Then he said he found something." ""Found something?" "I didn't even know you was looking for nothing up there."" "I'm all bent out of shape." ""What in the world's in my hind end?" "Hope it's the remote control." "I ain't seen it in three weeks." "Dadgum, no wonder every time I fart the volume goes up on that TV set."" "Found something in my hind end!" "That's the worst dentist I've been to in about five years." "I'll tell you straight up." "Tell you straight up." "A lot of people don't know it, but I used to be a real psychic at fairs and stuff." "You know what I can do?" "I was at the fair." "I used to be able to grab on to girls' boobs, seriously and tell how old they was by doing that." "I used to be at the fair." "I had a little stool right there set up had some key chains on it." "I'd tell them, "l can tell how old you are by rubbing on your boobies."" "So I'd be like, "Hold on."" "I'm like, "You're 33 years old."" "She's like, "You ain't even close." I'm like, "Here's a key chain."" "Get her done." "That's right." "That's right." "I seen a girl walking around the other day with earrings all over the place." "I was with a girl one time that had nine earrings in this ear seven earrings in that ear, a ring in her nose, bolt in her tongue." "It was like making love to her and working on my truck at the same time." "I didn't know if I should kiss her or adjust the torque in her butt crack." "And my sister got one of them." "My sister's a big old girl." "I had to hire a rodeo clown to distract her when I brung home the groceries last week." "But she got a belly ring." "You believe that?" "You don't get a belly ring if you're big." "You get onion rings." "I don't care who you are." "That's funny, right there." "That's right." "I didn't know what it was." "She walks in, "What do you think of that? "" "I'm like, "Hey, you got a hitch." "Yeah, now we can pull you away from the buffet every night." "It's about time you done something, for Pete's sake."" "That's right." "I was watching the TV the other day." "People suing everybody nowadays." "You believe that?" "People getting sued for smoking the cigarettes." "They say it cause cancer." "They gonna get sick." "It says on the box you gonna get sick!" "I'm gonna sue Hustler Magazine for giving my wrist carpal tunnel." "How's that sound?" "That's right." "That's funny." "I don't care who you are." "That's funny, right there." "You can't laugh at that, you need to get out of here, 'cause that's funny." "That's funny." "They want to take the Winston out of NASCAR." "Did you know that?" "They say that's offensive." "What in the world?" "Who's gonna sponsor NASCAR?" "Stayfree mini-pad?" "That'd be pretty good racing, wouldn't it?" ""We got 43 cars this year in the Kotex Cup." "There's Jeff Gordon in the number 24 strawberry douche Chevy Monte Carlo."" ""How did you get tickets to the Tampon 200? "" ""Well, we pulled some strings, and we got some good seats in there."" "Get her done!" "Y'all, thank you very much!" "Thank you all for a great show!" "Thank you!" "ls this where it is?" ""Mist Spay."" ""Spa."" "Whatever." "I hope they can get rid of backache." "Now, behave." "Hello." "Hi there, we're with the Blue Collar Comedy Tour." "Yes, we've been expecting you." "Thanks for coming." "Have you been to a spa before?" "No." "No." "Is this a non-smoking spa?" "Yes." "Well, why don't we do a tour?" "Now, behave." "So this is kind of like a really expensive wet T-shirt contest." "You got a dollar?" "How does it feel?" "What does it do for you?" "Put a dollar in the towel." "Go ahead and show." "Come on, baby, I got three dollars." "Shoot, I'll give you a $1 0 bill right there." "Look at that." "Get four, 35 and a half." "What do you bid now?" "Five." "What do you bid now?" "Five and a half." "What do you bid now?" "Five." "All right." "By God, you done made almost $60." "You got any more rooms with women dipped in chocolate sauce like that one?" "Do you have an opening as a towel boy here?" "What's she doing?" "I believe you're doing it wrong." "Hold on, you go like this." "You kind of hit on them." "That's nice." "Do you like that?" "See." "I love that." "Now, that's how you give a massage." "Make sure you hit her hind end a couple of times, like Wipeout or something." "Okay." "Okay, this feels really funky." "Hey, what kind of joint you running in here?" "There's nothing like a single-malt Scotch at 1 0 in the morning with a little mud rub." "That's what keeps me going." "Hey" " Oh, God!" "Hey, Ron!" "Hey, Ron, I bet you look like the monster from the Black Lagoon!" "Shut up!" "I'm doing pretty good in here." "So I say we get naked and throw ice at each other." "What do you think?" "Hey, Larry?" "Over here!" "Just remember, when you gotta go to the bathroom, get out of the tub!" "Too late!" "I'm starting to feel a lot better." "Oh, my God." "I feel like a new man." "Ladies and gentleman, please welcome a native of Winslow, Arizona a very funny man, Mr. Bill Engvall!" "What' s up?" "It is great to be here tonight." "In fact, it' s just great to be out of the house." "I'll tell you why." "My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid that it bears repeating." "My wife collects twist-ties." "Welcome to my world." "What happened was, I went to make a sandwich." "I took the bread, took the twist-tie off, threw it down, made my sandwich." "Did I put the twist-tie back on the bread?" "No." "I did what every man in America does." "I spun the loaf of bread and tucked it underneath." "But apparently, that's where I went wrong." "I got a great family." "I got a 1 6-year-old daughter who just got her driver's license." "So drop to your knees and thank the good Lord above that you live here and not where we live." "She is without a doubt the worst driver on the planet." "She's got no depth perception at all." "We came up to this intersection." "There's a car stopped." "I'm like, "He stopped." "He stopped!" "He stopped!"" "She goes, "l can see that." I'm like, "Oh, my God, she's her mother!"" "The other day, my neighbor asked, "When did you put the CD boom box in your car? "" "I said, "What? "" "He goes, "l saw you and your daughter driving down the street, and I heard this--"" "I said, "That was me stomping on the imaginary brake on my side of the car."" "I'm convinced there needs to be a teenage driving lane on the highway." "And it's just lined with mattresses and tires." "God, she's growing up, and I don't know when it happened, man." "I used to buy her Minnie Mouse panties and little Winnie the Pooh underwear." "I was helping my wife fold clothes." "I picked up a pair of skimpy underwear." "I looked at my wife and said:" ""When you gonna wear these for me? "" "She goes, "l can't." "They're your daughter's."" "No, no, no!" "There was nothing to them!" "When the how-to-wash tag is the biggest piece of cloth on there...." "She's just growing up, and she's smarter than me." "And she's starting to realize that." "She came home and goes, "Can you help me with my math? "" "And I said, "Yeah, baby, let me take a look at it."" ""When did they start putting letters with it? "" "She's got a lot of friends." "She's friends with the popular kids, the unpopular kids and she's in the middle, which is where you want them until they bring home one of their friends you don't see eye to eye with." "She's got a little friend who's into this goth stuff." "Oh, my God." "Have you seen these little freaks?" "What happened?" "The black nail polish, black lipstick, black eyeliner, black hair, Liquid-Paper-white face." "I'm sorry." "Didn't we used to call that Halloween?" "They walked in the front door, and I looked at that little girl and just went:" "I'm trying to be nice, and my daughter said, "Daddy, this is my friend Lucy."" "And I said, "Hey, Luci...fer."" "She looked at me like, "l will set you ablaze right now."" "Nobody tells you about that when you have kids." "Nobody tells you about the stuff you never hear about." "Nobody told me kids would get out of their bed and come into your room." "My son developed this really bad habit." "He would come to my side of the bed and he'd get that close to my face." "And just stare at me." "You ever get that feeling when you know you're being watched?" "He'd be like:" ""Dad." "Dad." "Dad." -"What?" "What?" "What? "" "He starts crying." "My wife goes, "You scared him!"" "I'm like, "Hell, he scared me!" "Jesus, put a bell around his neck!"" "And if I ever find out who told my son this, I will kill him." "Apparently, somebody told my son there's a wiener thief out there." "And if he takes his hand off it, they gonna snatch it away." "His hand doesn't leave his pants." "It's like his own little worry stone." "He's just:" "I told him." "I said, "Boy, that thing's got a shelf life." "Trust me."" "Then we had to have the big talk this year." "I was on the road." "My wife called and said, "You need to have a talk with your son."" "Guess he's in trouble." "She goes, "His friends taught him to go on the lnternet, and he brought up a sex site."" "And I said, "Oh, God."" "I said, "Baby did you write down the name of the site?" "Just for reference."" "She goes, "Shut up."" "I wanted my talk to be more informative with my son than my dad and I's was." "I said, "Dad, when will you tell me about sex? " He goes:" ""Here, just read this Penthouse Forum."" "So I wanted my talk to be a little more informative." "I wanted my son to know about things that could actually happen to him." "I'm still waiting on the VW bus full of cheerleaders, but that hasn't happened yet." "But I know kids today are much more advanced than you and I were." "So I said, "Son, I know you already know a lot of things." "So why don't you tell me what you know and I'll just fill in the blank spots."" "About 30 minutes later I'm sitting there with a pen and a pad of paper." "I'm going, "You can do that? "" "God bless my family." "They've been good to me this year." "It's been rough." "I've been trying to quit smoking." "It'll kill me quicker than the cigarettes would've." "Anybody who's ever tried to quit knows exactly what I'm talking about." "It is the hardest thing you will ever do in your life." "And people who have never smoked just don't get that." "My wife goes, "l don't understand why you just don't put them down and quit."" "I go, "Baby, I am trying." "It is hard."" "She goes, "l don't understand why you just don't quit."" "I go, "All right." "Why don't you quit yelling?" "Because you can't."" "And I've tried everything." "I've tried the gum." "I couldn't keep it lit." "I tried the patches." "They pulled the skin off my lips." "Finally, my wife goes, "Why don't you try acupuncture? " And I go:" ""lsn't that where they screw needles into you? " She goes, "Yeah."" "And I go, "Why don't you try waking up?" "I won't let somebody screw needles into me." She goes, "It's your last option."" "So we found this lady named Dr. Chang." "I had one question for Dr. Chang." "Anybody know what that question might have been? "Does it hurt? "" "She goes, "Oh, no." "It no hurt."" "From a door three feet away from me, I hear a grown man go:" "I go, "What was that? " And she goes, "He big baby."" "I said, "I'm a big baby."" "Next thing I know, I'm lying on this bed in my underwear." "She has screwed a needle into the top of my head, three in each earlobe one in each pec, one in each shin and three between each of my toes." "I'm lying on that bed thinking, "Dear God, I could use a cigarette right now."" "I can hear her and her partner talking in Chinese." "I don't speak Chinese." "And then they start laughing." "I'm like, "Oh, my God!" "They're filming this."" "She comes in at the half-hour mark." "I think she'll take the needles out." "No." "She puts a cotton ball on each of the ones in my legs Iights it on fire and leaves the room!" "Now I'm freaking out because all I can see is smoke drifting up from between my legs, and I cannot inhale it." "Okey-dokey?" "Finally, at the hour mark, she comes in, she takes the needles out and she goes:" ""You come back for another treatment." I said, "Well, let's just book that right now." "After that, I'll schedule a prostate exam." "Just be a big day for me."" "I put my ball cap on." "I'm gonna go home and take a shower." "I've sweated through this whole ordeal." "I'm standing in the bathroom in front of the mirror." "I took my cap off and I went:" "She left the needle in my head!" "I took my family on an RV trip last summer." "I thought RV stood for "recreational vehicle." No." "It stands for "ruins vacations."" "I had never driven one of these things." "Dear God, It's 35 feet long, 8 feet wide and got two mirrors that stick out three feet on each side." "Good Lord, I was like a passenger trying to land a 747." "I'm weaving all over the road." "I'm getting flipped off by kids in car seats, all right?" "Don't know why they put a reverse on these dumb things." "I never learned to back it up." "If I pulled into a Quickie Mart too far past the pump to get gas there was no backing up." "It was, go all the way around the block and try it again." "Thank God I wasn't the only one." "Sometimes there would be seven or eight of us just circling that Quickie Mart just like a white trash road race." "I took my family camping because I'm an idiot." "We're gonna go camping." "We live in L.A. We don't have any camping gear." "So I go to this store, and I'm buying camping gear and I saw this product." "And when I saw it, I just started laughing." "Because we've become so ecologically-minded now they've developed a product called "Rapidly Dissolving Toilet Paper."" "Just how rapidly are we talking?" "Because I don't want to have to play Beat the Clock in the thicket, all right?" "If it's dark, I can't see what's going on." "I got to know that toilet paper is gonna be there to finish the job." "But the reason you go on these RV trips and these camping trips is because as your kids grow up they also grow apart from you, and it tears your heart out." "My little girl is 1 6." "She's at that age where she's in her room listening to her stereo online with her friends, and boys are starting to call." "Oh, my God." "We had a kid call the house at 2 in the morning." "I lost it." "First off, I'm sound asleep in la-la land with Shania Twain in the mountains somewhere." "I hear a phone ring and I'm like, "Who's got a phone in the mountains?" "!"" "So when I realized it's my phone, I'm already ticked off." "I went, "Hello!"" "And this little voice goes, "ls Emily there? "" "And I go, "Dude if you have a brain in your skull, you will hang this phone up right now."" "And my wife goes, "Bill, you gotta be nice."" "I said, "No, ma'am, nice stops at midnight."" "She said, "What will you do when these little boys come over? "" ""I'll tell you what I'm going to do." "I'm gonna pull the young man in tight next to me so only he and I can hear the conversation." "I'm gonna whisper in his ear." "I'm gonna say, 'Boy, look at me." "You see that little girl there?" "That's my only little girl." "She's my life." "So if you have any thoughts about hugging or kissing, you remember these words:" "I got no problem going back to prison.'"" "God bless my wife." "That's what she puts up with every day of the year." "On our 20th anniversary, I got to thinking about the difference between that first year of marriage and that 20th year." "Wow." "Remember that first year?" "You'd pick a fight just so you could make up and have sex." "Twenty years later, you pick a fight just so they'll sleep in the other room." "That first year, you'd come home from a bad day at work." "You go:" "" I've had a bad day." Your new bride would go:" ""Let me get you a beer and you tell me all about it."" "Twenty years later, you walk in the door, "What a day at work!"" "They go, "You want to hear what went on at this house today?" "!" "While you were at your job? "" "That first year of marriage, if you had to go to the bathroom you shut the door, lock it, turn the faucets on, turn the shower on." "God forbid they knew you were going poop." "Twenty years later, bathroom door is wide open and you're screaming, "Bring the camera!"" "That first year, your new bride was gonna do laundry and you freaked out because you might have had dirty underwear." "So you threw them away." "Twenty years later, you're just hoping to gross them out." "If you can get your wife to scream, "Oh, my God!" "Did you hit a deer? "" "Sex changes when you stay married for a long time." "I think it has to because things advance, you know?" "One night, my wife and I had a little interlude, and it was hot." "I mean hot, hot, hot!" "She's arching her back and moaning, and I said, "Yes, ma'am." "You are welcome."" "I said, "I'm really turning you on, huh? " She goes, "No, you're on my hair!" "Get off!"" "You never see that in the movies." "Do you, ladies?" "I hate love scenes in movies." "They're not real." "Show me a real love scene." "Show me a couple in bed, and their dogs are watching them at the edge of the bed." "That's real, my friends." "You're trying to throw down your best moves and there's these eyes at the edge of the bed, just like:" ""Nice move there, Bill." "Jeez, don't that hurt your back? "" "I take my wife's bra off and throw it across the room." "Dogs bring it back." "I can always tell when I'm doing good because the dog growls." ""She's loving this."" "You ever get that cold nose?" "But you gotta be able to laugh." "That's what's important." "Three years ago on my wife's birthday, I had it planned to the tee:" "A bottle of champagne chilled by the bed candles on the headboard, some soft music playing, and we just got into it." "Just that hot pig sex, all right?" "You're not even talking." "You're just rooting around, baby." "But we forgot about the candles on the headboard." "I'm lying on my back." "Apparently, that headboard was doing a little moving." "Because all of a sudden, hot wax just goes:" "And my wife goes, "Yes, sir." "You are welcome."" "God bless y'all." "This has been great." "Where's Fox?" "He went running around." "He's like a kid." "My granddaddy had this exact truck." "Did he really?" "Yep. 1 934 Chevrolet 31 00." "Can you see me now?" "Can you see me now?" "You guys see Jeff?" "Yeah, we can see you." "Where you going?" "Looks good, though." "Boy, they're making some money in here." "Can you see me now?" "Yes, Jeff." "We can see you." "Look at this bass." "Look at that catfish." "It's huge." "Jeff, we can still see you." "Where?" "He's right there." "Let's go." "Good God!" "Let's go." "Jeff, go take it off." "Dude, that's pretty good." "That's pretty good right there." "Get out of here." "Coleman camp stove." "That's beautiful." "Jeff, we see you." "Can you believe that?" "That's a fake tree." "That's Jeff again, trying to scare us." "It's a fake tree." "How did you do that?" "See what you started?" "I like any bait called "Spanky."" "Where might we find the stink bait?" "Does anybody work in this store?" "There's got to be a stink specialist around." "We need stink bait." "Do y'all have stink bait?" "How would you rank the stink?" "We want stanky stink." "Stanky, sure enough stanking stink." "Probably this one right here." "That's a good stank right there." "Y'all need to smell that." "Oh, God." "Five bucks says you won't eat any." "I ain't eating stink bait." "Just taste it." "Oh, man!" "God." "No!" "He did it." "He did it." "He did it." "Oh, my God." "I cannot believe you ate it." "Does he need the money?" "Ladies and gentlemen, the man you've all been waiting for:" "Mr. Jeff Foxworthy!" "Thank you very much." "Thank you very much." "How are you?" "Phoenix in July." "Apparently, the people that book these things don't get the Weather Channel." "It's been one of those years for me." "In February, I was doing a show in the northern part of Minnesota." "It was so cold" " Beautiful place." "It was so cold." "It was like 1 5 below zero." "After the show, we were talking to some guys backstage and they were trying to talk us into going ice fishing with them." "It's 1 5 degrees below zero." "I said, "Guys, I appreciate it." "I don't really think I want to be that cold."" "One of the guys goes, "It's not that cold." "We build a bonfire out on the lake."" "And you call us stupid in the South?" "But I got to thinking about ice fishing especially from the point of view of the fish that gets caught and thrown back." "In the animal kingdom that has got to be the closest thing to one of those out-of-body experiences." "That fish that gets thrown back goes back and tells his buddies:" ""Dudes, I was swimming along and all of a sudden, I felt myself being drawn towards the light." "It was getting brighter and brighter." "And then I went through this opening and I saw my dead relatives all around me." "And I saw God." "He was wearing a flannel shirt and a Budweiser hat." "He held me and said, 'It's not yet your time." "Go back.'"" "One cool thing about doing this tour is we've been everywhere in the country." "Traveling is never a lot of fun, but since 9/1 1 it's so much more difficult." "I live in Atlanta." "In the Atlanta airport, where you go through the metal detectors they have now built a giant Plexiglas box that contains all the things that are no longer allowed in your carryon luggage." "And in that box, there is a leaf blower and a Coleman lantern." "So if you are an international yardman that likes to work nights you are S.O.L. right now." "A leaf blower." "Who is hijacking a plane with a leaf blower?" ""Turn the plane around." "I mess your hair up so bad, your mother never recognize you."" "If your job requires you use a leaf blower and you have to get on an airplane to get to that job it is really time to review your territory." "They tell us now the economy is bad." "You see it in the airports." "Because everywhere we go now, all the rental car places are selling the used rental cars." "I've driven some bad vehicles in my life." "I have never been so desperate for an automobile I wanted a used rental car." "You know what people do to rental cars." "My mother will not drive 55 miles an hour." "You put her in a rental car, she's doing doughnuts in the grocery store parking lot." "Buying a used rental car is kind of like going to a house of ill repute looking for a wife." "Anything that's been driven that hard by that many people you really don't want to put your key in it." "There's no incentive to take care of a rental car because if you pay the extra insurance you can total that rental car, and they'll bring you another one." "Always get the additional insurance." "They're like:" ""Would you like the additional coverage? " I'm like, "Yes, I would." "You got a Ford Fiesta that's about to see more air time than a skateboard at the X Games."" "So welcome to our job." "We feel like we have the coolest job in the world." "It's funny, because you get to meet a lot of people backstage." "When you're a comedian, the number one thing people say to you:" ""Where do you come up with material? "" "The honest answer, at least for us, is the best stuff is not stuff you make up." "It's true stuff." "That being said, I have to share this story with you." "Last year, I was hosting a show for the children's hospital in Atlanta." "A couple came up to me." "The man said to me, " I bet you done heard every redneck thing."" "I was thinking, "I've heard a lot of them." But I love talking to folks." "I said, "No." "Go ahead."" "He said, "Well my wife and I decided if we ever had the chance to meet you we had to tell you about the time we were down at her family's house." "While we were there, her brother got his nipple bitten off by a beaver."" "I said, "You have my attention."" "It's kind of hard to walk away from a story like that." "You're almost required to say, "How did that happen? "" "They were happy to share the whole tale." "The brother and his buddy were driving down the road and a beaver ran across the street." "They accidentally hit it." "Then the beaver went down into the ditch on the side of the road." "So they decided they were going down in the ditch to find this thing because they wanted to take it to the taxidermist." "We know how pretty they look on a Thanksgiving dining room table just holding that turkey up." "So he said he went down in the ditch." "He found the beaver." "He picked it up by the tail." "And he said, "Look at it." "It ain't cut up or bloody or nothing."" "Apparently, "nothing" is the word that brings a beaver back to consciousness." "At that point, the animal lurched out and bit his nipple off." "Did not bite it, bit it off." "O-F-F, off." "Bit it off." "That is a new kind of hurt right there." "And it is so rare, I am at a loss for words." "The only reply I could come up with, I said, "l bet that is the only time in history the headline of the paper could include the words "beaver" and "nipple" and nobody'd be offended by it." "The other question I get asked:" ""When you say somebody might be a redneck, what do you mean? "" "For the record, my definition of "redneck" :" "a glorious absence of sophistication." "That's all it is." "It can be full-time or part-time." "Most of us are guilty of it." "And if you're not guilty of it, you do have relatives that are." "Think back to the last family reunion, when at the end of it you got in the car and looked at your spouse and said, "Oh, my God." "What is wrong with them?" "The little one is not right." "I guarantee you, the little one is not right."" "I got rednecks in my family." "I got an uncle who climbs in and out of the car through the driver's side window." "The door's not broke or anything." "He just likes to pretend he's a NASCAR driver." "Got a few NASCAR fans in Phoenix, huh?" "I love NASCAR." "It's a difficult thing to talk about on-stage because NASCAR fans will start fighting with each other." "Every NASCAR fan has got that one driver they love and every NASCAR fan has got that one driver they can't stand." "Jeff Gordon." "It's always Jeff Gordon." "I've figured out why a lot of NASCAR fans don't like Jeff Gordon." "It's not because Gordon won the points championship and wins a lot of races." "A lot of NASCAR fans don't like Jeff Gordon because he enunciates." "There's not a place in NASCAR for that kind of stuff." "See, true NASCAR fans want an interview with a driver where you have no idea what he's talking about." ""Boy, I tell you, we run pretty good all day long and developed a bit of a push and brought her in, booger-jacked some wedge in her and she run like a spotted...." "Did get trouble in the middle of the race when Ricky puked a motor and I touched Dale on the backside." "But for the most part, the Hardee's-Burger King-Taco Bell-KFC Chevrolet is awesome." "As Southern as I am, I'm like, " Dude, what?" "Were there any words in that? "" "Speaking of words, I do have a few new redneck words for you." "First one: "mayonnaise."" "Mayonnaise a lot of people here this evening." "It's kind of a gift." "They come to me in my sleep." "I write them down." "Brand-new one: "aorta."" "Aorta cut that grass down by the ball field so them kids don't get hurt." "Is this not the stupidest thing you've ever heard in your life?" ""lnitiate."" "My wife ate two hamburgers initiate a bag of potato chips." "And last but not least: "with you, did you."" "With you, did you." "You didn't bring your truck with you, did you?" "Somebody will be using "with you, did you" tomorrow." "I always felt like you couldn't talk about rednecks unless you are one and I are one." "Growing up, I didn't know that's what I was." "Now, looking back, it was so obvious." "I'm not making this up." "My entire childhood, our mailbox had the letters m-a-l-e painted on the side of it." "By the time I was in the 1 1 th grade, I was like, "That ain't right." "That M is supposed to be capitalized, isn't it? "" "That is a true story." "When I was in the 3rd grade, my uncle did that as a joke." "And nobody got it." "Not only am I a redneck, I married into a special breed of them." "My wife and her entire family are from the great state of Louisiana." "We were down there about six or seven months ago." "My wife's cousin got married in Baton Rouge." "We went for the wedding." "We had my wife's entire family together for the rehearsal dinner at Hooters." "If I'm lying, I'm dying." "And our waitress that night was qualified to work there." "Matter of fact, I'm pretty sure she was on a scholarship." "The first time she walked up to the table my wife's uncle, Bud, looked at her and went:" ""Where did you get them things, girl? "" "I thought she was gonna get mad." "She didn't." "She was cool." "She said, "l bought them."" "Then Bud's wife, Lois, said, "I've been thinking about buying me some."" "Bud turned to Lois and said, "You are 62 years old." "You getting a boob job would be like hanging a new chandelier in a haunted house."" "She said, "lf I put new lights in the house you might stay in it longer than two minutes."" "My children share these genes." "I will say this in defense of my in-laws:" "My in-laws are nuts but I know why they're nuts." "A long time ago, they looked at each other and said, "Why don't we have children? "" "I know I'm on my way to being crazy like my in-laws because I'm a parent." "I'm the proud father of two little girls." "They're 8 and 1 0." "Thank you." "I live next door to my brother." "He has three children, all girls." "Their ages are 6, 8 and 1 0." "My mother has nine grandchildren." "They are all girls." "The oldest one is 1 3 years old." "I live in the estrogen ocean in the middle of the naked Barbie Woodstock." "Naked Barbies as far as the eye can see." "There are days I have fantasies about being G.I. Joe on a three-day pass." ""Hello, lady."" "But I love these girls." "I have learned so much about girls." "I've learned girls can be a little bit more emotional than boys." "I spend half my life trying to figure out what people are crying about." "" Honey, calm down, and just tell me what happened."" "" I came in, and I was gonna go and play with them but then they locked the door and called me a stupid-head." "They said I couldn't be in their club." "I was looking for you, and I was calling you and calling you--"" "I'm like, "Honey, calm down." "You'll scare the children." "Tell me what happened."" "Men have no idea what to do with crying." "Men have been taught not to cry." "We can be out cutting firewood with our buddies we'll chainsaw our leg off at the knee." "We're like, "I'm all right." "I'm all right." "Throw the leg in the cooler." "Hand me a beer." "I'm all right."" "Kids are great for a comedian because kids are funny without even trying to be funny." "My wife and my mother-in-law had ordered bathing suits through the mail." "Mail order." "So the bathing suits arrived." "They're trying them on." "My mother-in-law walks out in her bathing suit." "My daughter looked at her and said:" ""Gamma, you shouldn't draw on your legs with a blue Magic Marker."" "Needless to say, I had to mop up the milk I had been drinking because it was on the other side of the room which is pretty good distance through your nose." "That's right." "That's gonna sting a little while." "I was doing a thing not long ago for HBO and they were asking serious questions." "One of them was, "What's your earliest recollection in life? "" "I said, "l remember being 3, standing on the front seat of the car with my dad." "Every time he would turn the corner, I would make the sound of tires squealing." "My dad would go, 'Quit squealing my tires.'"" "All of a sudden, it dawned on me." "What was I doing standing on the front seat of the car?" "Back then, kids weren't too good to go through the windshield with the rest of us." "When my kids were 3, I couldn't back out of the driveway unless they were in a car seat with a shoulder strap and a safety fit." "Think back." "I can vividly recall riding all the way to Florida Iaying in the back window of the car." "People behind us going, "Harold, is that one of those bobbing dogs? "" ""No." "That's a skinny kid with a big head." "Boy, what a big head."" "My dad slammed on the brakes, you went bouncing around the car like a pinball game." "I remember as a child, my mom would leave me, my brother and my sister in the car while she ran into the grocery store." "If you did that to a poodle now, they would fry you on the 6:00 news." "Now that I'm grown and have kids of my own I understand why my mother didn't want to take three young'uns in the store." "I would rather take a beating with a brick stick than take kids in the grocery store." "Soon as those doors slide open those kids start begging like homeless people at Christmastime." "The worst aisle to take kids down in the grocery store is the cereal aisle." "I hate the cereal aisle." "You know why?" "Because kids buy cereal the same way grown men buy lingerie." "They will buy stuff they care nothing about just to get the prize that's inside." "You forget about the cereal aisle." "You're in the store trying to keep them from putting stuff in the cart." "You turn the corner, and there it is." "And they're like:" ""You gotta buy the Fruity Frosted Pebbles." "Please." "Please." "Please buy the Fruity Frosted Pebbles." "Please."" ""We bought it before." "You didn't even eat it." "It went stale." "We had to throw it away."" ""We'll eat it today." "We'll eat it in the car on the way home." "I promise." "I swear." "I promise." "l said I'm not buying it." "Put it back."" ""You gotta buy it!" "You gotta buy it!" "You gotta buy it!"" "And that is the point when I very calmly walk up to the child, and I say:" ""Where are your parents? "" "Everything has changed." "Even their toys have changed." "I noticed every toy my kids get has tags in it showing you somebody has inspected it to make sure there's no way a child could hurt themselves playing with that toy." "I remember being 9 years old." "My parents bought me a wood burning kit." "What could possibly go wrong with a toy like that?" "A sharp, metal stick that heated up to 5000 degrees." "Our dogs and cats didn't have tags around their neck but everybody in the neighborhood knew who they belonged to." ""The Circle F brand." "That's a Foxworthy cat right there."" "You remember the wood burning kits?" "Remember those?" "The cord on it was about that long." "So you're always guaranteed to be right next to the drapes while you played with it." "What were they thinking?" "Did anybody else have the swing set?" "My parents were too lazy to actually pour the concrete in the ground." "With our swing set, every time you swung above this high, the front legs would go:" "There were stuntmen that would not swing on our swing set." "What were they thinking, some of those toys?" "Lawn Darts." "Twelve-pound darts!" "You could kill an elk with a Lawn Dart!" "There were no directions." "They came in a box of eight." "We pulled them out of the box, threw them straight up in the air." "Catch one with your head you're getting coloring books for Christmas for the rest of your life." "A lot of guys say to me, "Man, how you live with all those women? "" "I love living with all those women." "I've accepted the fact they just about have me trained the way they want me." "A lot of men go through their lives never realizing they're being trained." "If you got a wife, girlfriend, mother or daughter, you are being trained." "And just because they ain't using the cattle prod don't mean it ain't happening." "I been married 1 8 years to an awesome girl." "It did not dawn on me until about year five she was training me." "I remember the night I realized it." "We were both in bed reading one night." "And my wife said:" ""I'm hot."" "And I closed my book got out of bed walked over to the wall, I turned on the ceiling fan I was almost back to the bed and I went, "Whoa!" "I wasn't hot."" "I guarantee the next morning she called her mother and said:" ""Mama, it is working so well." "Last night, I said, 'I'm hot.' And he got out of bed and turned on the ceiling fan."" "And I'm sure her mother said, "Baby, I am so proud of you." "I'd put your daddy on the phone and let you tell him but I just said, 'I'm hungry.' And he ran into town to get me something."" "Guys, do you know why they are able to train us?" "They are smarter than us." "It ain't that big a deal." "That's saying you're smarter than a creature that takes off its underwear tries to grab them with its toes, flip them in the air and catch them with its hand." "You are smarter than that." "It is a good feeling when you catch them on the first try, though." "Got my underpants, right there!" "Women are smart, and women keep men confused." "A lot of times, men and women can say the exact same thing to each other and get totally opposite responses." "A woman can say to a man:" "" I'm not wearing any underwear."" "The man's first thought is, "All right!" "Might get lucky."" "But if a man says, "I'm not wearing any underwear," her first thought is:" ""Oh, no!" "I'm gonna have to wash those pants twice."" "And I've found from living with all these women men and women worry about totally different stuff." "I wish I had a dime for every time in 1 8 years of marriage my wife has said, usually when we're walking out of the house:" ""How's my butt look? "" "If you've been married longer than 1 0 seconds, you know the answer." ""Great!" "It's so small I could barely see it in this light."" "Apparently, women put a lot of thought into what their butts look like." "Ladies, do you know men are not even aware of the fact we have a butt till it starts itching?" "A lot of guys aren't aware that scratching it in public might be offensive." "Mr. President, how you doing?" "Good to see you." "And men ought to keep our hands off our rear ends." "We should." "For a lot of reasons." "The biggest is because we are causing our own butt-erosion." "We are." "Have you ever seen an old man's butt?" "No, because they don't have one anymore." "They've scratched it all off." "An old man's butt looks like you made a frog stand up and put on a pair of double-knit pants." "When you go to sleep tonight, I want that to be the last visual image." "That frog pulling them britches up." "I have lots of theories about women, and I'm sure none of them are right." "But I found out women have just as many theories about men." "Probably the most common theory women have about men I bet I've heard this one in every state, goes something like this:" "" If he's got big feet then you know."" "Or if he's got big hands." "Or if he's got a big nose." "If he's got big ears." "Well, he better be packing, 'cause that's one goofy-looking guy." "And, silly as it is, men do worry about these things." "Ladies, bless your heart." "You have come up with all these expressions to reassure us." ""Honey, it's not the size of the ship, it's the motion of the ocean."" "Which might be true, but it takes a long time to get to England in a rowboat." "Couple of ladies writing that down, "Takes a long time...."" "Time is something else I've learned in 1 8 years of marriage." "Guys, when it comes to romance, don't be in a hurry." "Because women are like diesel engines." "What I mean by that is it may take a little while to get them warmed up." "But once you do they can run a long, long time!" "Whereas men, on the other hand, are more like bottle rockets." "You guys have been great." "Thanks for listening to me." "I appreciate it." "Thank you very much." "I want you to do me a favor." "Keep this going." "Bring my buddy Bill Engvall out here one more time." "Billy!" "Ladies and gentlemen, Jeff Foxworthy, right there!" "Keep it going." "Bring back Ron White and Larry the Cable Guy!" "Ain't they great?" "They are." "You guys have been simply awesome." "Bless your hearts." "Bless your hearts." "I gotta tell you this show has been the most fun thing I have ever done in show business." "The first night we started doing this, we had no idea of how to close it." "When you're a comedian, the greatest thrill in the world is making people laugh." "Your adrenaline goes so much that there's no way you can go to sleep at night." "We've all been friends for about 1 5 years." "So we have spent so many nights at the Waffle House at 2:00 in the morning, sitting around and telling stories." "So we decided that's the way we would close this thing every night is to come out and tell stories that made each of us laugh through the years." "Everybody's got great stories, but ying-yang, here...." "You gotta tell the story about when you took your sister to the flea market because she was all bummed out." "Remember that?" "I hope she's hot!" "Yeah, she'd make Ray Charles flinch." "My sister" "You sick bastard!" "My sister is covered with moles." "She's got moles all over her face, bunch of moles." "And we used to call her "Old Moley."" "But she went down to church and got saved." "Now we call her " Holy Moley."" "It ain't funny, to be honest with you." "But she was feeling bad about her moles, so we figured we'd lift her spirits." "Took her up to the flea market to get her something nice." "She's already feeling bad about her moles and then the night before, she got this horse and it busted its leg and I had to shoot it." "And now it's got a broken leg and a gunshot wound." "I don't know what you're supposed to shoot it for." "I guess it helps in the healing process or something." "I ain't sure." "If it ain't better by next week, I'm gonna shoot it again." "But we's at the flea market" "My grandma couldn't make it up there." "She got arrested at the bass pro shop." "She was eating a corn dog and got the farts in there." "They accused her of stealing a duck call and some stink bait at the bass pro shop." "It's ridiculous." "She didn't even have any pockets on that nightgown she was wearing in there." "So we's up at the flea market and my sister is feeling bad about her moles." "She's complaining all day long about her moles." ""My moles this." "My moles that."" "So we walk past this feller up there at flea market." "Got no legs." "All right?" "Selling boots." "That's right." "Got no legs, half an arm, one ear." "His name was Lucky." "So I told my sister, "Listen, Dee Wayne." I said:" ""You ought to be ashamed of yourself." "You ought to be ashamed." "'Cause here's a feller got no legs, selling boots whistling, enjoying himself and you is complaining about a few moles." "Be thankful for everything the Lord give you."" "And she said, "You're right." "I ought to be thankful for what the Lord give me."" "She started to get a little extra hitch in her giddyup." "Started smiling a little more." "As soon as we passed that feller with no legs I heard him say to his buddy, "Good Lord!" "Did you see the moles on that girl's face? "" "That's right." "True story." "Larry, thank you so much for sharing that with everybody." "Makes you feel better about your family, don't it?" "Yeah." "Kind of like going to the state fair every time" "Feel better about your own relatives." "It's Ron's turn." "I'll let you guys pick tonight." "He can either tell...." "Either the story about when they put the BENGAY in his grandmother's girdle or the time he got thrown out of the bar in New York City." "We gotta go with the bar." "New York." "All right, New York." "I got thrown out of a bar in New York City." "When I say I got thrown out of a bar I don't mean somebody asked me to leave and we walked to the door together and I said, "Bye, everybody, I gotta go."" "Six bouncers hurled me out of a nightclub like I was a Frisbee." "Those big old New York bouncers that think bouncing is a cool job to have they just think about bouncing." "They hang out with other bouncers talking about bouncing." "They go home every night, watch Road House and fondle themselves." "I walk into a bar with a hat on." "This guy, real pissy, goes, "Take off the hat!"" "I'm like, "What's the deal? " He goes, "I'll tell you what the deal is." "Gay people in this area wear hats." "We're trying to keep them out of our club."" "I was like, "Really?" "The only way we can tell in Texas is if they have their hair cut like yours."" "And he got all pissed." "But he walked away, I took the hat off." "An hour later, I'd been drinking and I forgot." "You ever forget?" "It happened to me." "I put the hat back on." "The guy comes over to me." "I'm between 6' 1 " and 6'6", depending on which convenience store I'm leaving." "I weigh 230 pounds." "The guy comes over, poking me in the shoulder with two fingers and says, "Out!"" "I'm like, "l don't think so, Scooter."" "And I was wrong." "They hurled me out of that bar." "They squared off with me in the parking lot and I backed down from the fight because I don't know how many of them it would have taken to whip my ass but I knew how many they were gonna use." "That's a handy little piece of information to have." "They called the police because we broke a chair on the way out and I refused to pay for it because we broke it over my thigh." "The cops showed up, and at that point I had the right to remain silent but I didn't have the ability." "And the cop says, "Mr. White, you are being charged with drunk in public."" "I was like, "Hey, hey, hey." "I was drunk in a bar." "They threw me into public." "I don't wanna be drunk in public." "I wanna be drunk in a bar which is perfectly legal." "Arrest them."" "He didn't arrest them." "Instead, he made me do a field sobriety test." "You stand on one foot, raise the other foot six inches off the ground and count to thirty." "I made it to:" ""ls that gonna be close enough? "" "It wasn't close enough, so they call in for my arrest record." "There's some good news." "Satellites are linking up in outer space there's a telegraph in Fritch, Texas, going:" "This part takes a while." "Shorthand." "Now, I told you that story to tell you this story." "When I was 1 7 years old, I was arrested for being drunk in public." "There kind of seems to be a pattern there, Ron." "If you knew Morse code, you'd already know that." "And one DWl, which was a bogus charge because it turns out they were stopping every vehicle traveling down that particular sidewalk and that's profiling." "And profiling is wrong." "On the drunk in public charge in Fritch, Texas the arresting officer, who I had literally known all my life." "You know?" "This guy lived four doors down from me in a town of less than 400 people." "We've met." "He takes me to jail." "When we get there, he asks me if I have any aliases." "And I was just being a smart-ass and said, "Yeah." "They call me Tater Salad."" "Seventeen years later in New York City I'm handcuffed on a bench with blood coming out of my nose and this cop goes, "Are you Ron 'Tater Salad' White? "" ""You caught me!" "You caught the Tater."" "Thanks a lot." "Thank you very much." "Love that story." "It is your turn, and you don't get a choice." "You have got to do some "Here's your sign" jokes." "Thank you." "I had the great opportunity this year to take my family to the Winter Olympics." "It was great being an American and being in our home country." "We were renting a car up in Salt Lake City, and it's got a ski rack on it." "We was putting the skis up in the rack." "The guy at the car next to me goes, "You going skiing? "" "I said, "Nope, we put them on top of the car in case we flip over on an icy road." "Here's your sign."" "This last year, I went elk hunting." "I got me a nice one, had it hung on the den wall in the house." "My neighbor comes over and goes, "Did you shoot that thing? "" "I said, "Nope, he ran through the wall and got stuck." "Here's your sign."" "Tell them about the one when we did the show in Buffalo." "When they lost the" "Oh, God!" "We did this show up in Buffalo, New York, and we land at the airport." "We go to get our luggage, and mine didn't show up, which happens." "So I go down to the lost luggage office where everybody is in such a good mood." "Who applies for that job?" "Who says, "l wanna work in lost luggage? "" "You don't have a good day." "That's like having a job emptying Port-a-Potties." "You'll catch crap all day." "That is beautiful." "Did you just make that up?" "It's beautiful." "I like to use analogies in my show." "That's where they compare things." ""That's funny." "I don't care who you are, right there." "That's funny, right there."" "So I'm trying to be nice to this woman in the lost luggage office." "I said, "Excuse me." She goes, "Can I help you? "" "I said, "Yes, ma'am, you lost my luggage."" "She looked me right in the eye and said, "Has your plane landed yet? "" "Swear." "I said, "No, princess, I'm having an out-of-body experience." "I'm just checking on it." "Here's your sign."" "I hate to stop you, but I've got one for you and I know you have so many of these things." "This happened to me last week." "We're in the process of remodeling our house." "We've been doing it for a while." "We have the painters in there." "They're putting sheets over the furniture." "And we have a regular, up-against-the-wall piano." "Last week, one of the painters says to me, " Is that y'all's piano? "" ""No, that's our coffee table." "It just has buckteeth." "Here's your sign."" "He did not." "I'll keep that one." "I'm gonna keep that one." "Let me try one of these Bill Engvall, "Here's your sign" deals." "I'm sorry." "I did not mean to start this." "No, you can use this." "Your next album will go aluminum." "My grandma is covered with moles." "Oh, my!" "No." "My grandma recently just passed away." "Hundred and four years old." "That's right." "But they saved the baby." "I don't think he's kidding." "My grandma just passed away, 1 04 years old." "So I go up there to the flower feller to get her flowers and a card up there at the flower feller." "Wait." "No, wait." "And I was walking in there" "You bought a card for your dead grandmother?" "They had them there." "I know I'm gonna regret this." "What did it say?" ""Get well soon."" "I knew it was coming." "I knew it!" "So anyway...." "But anyway...." "Hundred four years old." "Passed away." "I go up there to the flower feller." "He said, "What is this for? " I said, "My grandma passed away at 1 04."" "He said, "Oh, 1 04!" "How'd she die? "" "How'd she die?" "She's 1 04!" ""She wrecked her Harley up here at Bike Week." "Here's your sign."" "I love it!" "It was better than I thought it was gonna be." "Bill?" "Bill?" "I got one." "My son Tater Tot is covered with moles." "My son, when he was 6 years old, was gonna fly by himself from Dallas to Austin to be with his grandmother." "I'm putting him on the plane, his grandmother's taking him off." "The lady I was buying the ticket from says:" ""ls there gonna be somebody in Austin to pick him up when he gets off the plane? "" "I said, "No, I'll pin a $20 bill to his collar and wish him the best of luck." "Here's your sign."" "Those were three good ones." "Bill, what do you say you try one?" "Yeah, let me give it a shot." "A couple weeks ago, my car broke down." "I was on the side of the road, the hood up, smoke pouring out of the motor." "This guy stops to see if I'm all right, but he asks the stupid question." "He goes, "Did your car break down? "" ""Nope." "Car wanted a cigarette, so I pulled over." "Here's your sign."" "I was in the store buying some pants." "I put the pants up on the counter and the girl behind the counter goes, "You gonna buy those? "" ""Nope, gonna steal them." "Just wanted you to see them before I left the store."" "Tell them about the one that you done did over at what-you-call-her." ""Yeah, Bill, tell us about the one you done did over at that deal there."" "He just ended a sentence in nine prepositions." "He's an overachiever." "I don't know about all that, but tell it." "I know the one you're talking about." "All right." "I came out of the mall one day." "The guy parked next to me is standing there with a coat hanger in his window." "And I could not stop myself." "I said, "You lock your keys in your car? "" "He said, " Nope." "Just washed it, gonna hang it up to dry." "Here's your sign."" "But the best one...." "The best one I've seen yet happened in Los Angeles, California." "I got stuck behind a big rig that wedged his trailer up underneath an overpass." "Me and the trucker are waiting on the tow truck driver." "The highway patrolman pulls up and looks at the guy's rig and at the trucker." "I'm thinking, "Dear God, he can't say it."" "'Cause I'll start laughing." "Sure enough, he goes, "You get your truck stuck? "" "God bless this trucker, without missing a beat, he goes:" ""Nope." "I was delivering that overpass and I ran out of gas." "Here's your sign."" "Thank you." "Well, folks, I can speak for the rest of these guys." "This has been one of the most awesome nights of my life." "And I know it's been good for y'all, but I know you won't leave this room until you hear some "You might be a redneck!"" "If you think 'N Sync is where your dirty dishes are you might be a redneck." "If you take your dog for a walk and you both use the tree at the corner you might be a redneck." "If you think a 401 (k) is your mother-in-law's bra size you might be a redneck." "If your dad's cell number has nothing to do with a telephone you might be a redneck." "If you keep a fly swatter on the front seat of the car so you can reach your kids in the back seat of the car...." "They're like, "Can you do that?" "Is that okay? " No." "Don't do that." "If your working television sits on top of your non-working television you might be a redneck." "If you've ever been accused of lying through your tooth you might be a redneck." "If you work without a shirt on and so does your husband..." "...you might be a redneck." "I like that." "If an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger changed your life you might be a redneck." "If you've ever worn a tube top to a funeral home..." "...you might be a redneck." "Oh, my God!" "I can't even believe you just said that one." "Why?" "Did you see that?" "No." "No." "I got one better." "If you've ever opened a beer during a eulogy you might be a redneck." "I'm guessing one of your relatives." "My uncle Jack." "I swear to you, Jeff, we were sitting-- We weren't even outside." "We were in the church." "The reverend had just finished the eulogy and we heard:" "We look in the back, he's sitting there with a beer and he goes, "What? "" ""Mama looks good, don't she? "" ""That ain't Mama."" ""No, that's her." "They just shaved her beard off."" "Oh, my God." ""Forgot my beer."" "As long as you're telling ones on your relatives, I'm telling one on you." "This is one he did, and it's about 1 2 years ago, in Iowa." "I want you to think back." "A couple of DJs told me about this." "If you have ever ridden an electric floor buffer..." "...you" "All right, wait!" "Tequila was involved, get off me." "I wonder how many times his wife has said that." "One more on you." "If you ever empty the bed of your pickup truck by driving backwards really fast and slamming on the brakes..." "That's how we moved." "...you might be a redneck." "If you've ever used a bar stool for a walker you might be a redneck." "If you think Silence of the Lambs is what happens when Larry walks out to the barn...." ""That's funny." "I don't care who you are, that's funny." "Get her done!"" "If there is an electronic singing fish in more than three rooms of your home you might be a redneck." "If you missed fifth-grade graduation because you had jury duty you might be a redneck." "If you think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 miles an hour you might be a redneck." "If somebody tells you you have something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is you might be a redneck." "If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side you might be a redneck." "If you wear a dress that is strapless with a bra that isn't you might be" "Think about that and try to sleep tonight, all right?" "If you ever stared at a can of orange juice because it said "concentrate" you might be a redneck." "If you've ever had your nipple bitten off by a beaver you might be a redneck." "God bless you." "Thank you so much." "God bless you." "You guys are awesome." "Thank you." "Those scratchers good?" "Can I borrow it for one second?" "Oh, my God!" "Oh, my God!" "Oh, that does good!" "Wash that off real good when you get home." "Got something for Larry's Christmas." "Let's see what it does." "Fart detected!" "Fart detected!" "Who's the actor here?" "There are no actors here." "Believe me, this is an actor-free environment." "I could Halloween in these things." "Look at that." "I feel like a hundred pesos." "Look at this!" "No?" "No." "Kiss your neck." "Come on, guys." "It's show time!" "And now, I'd like to do a little something from my honeymoon." "I'm doing a book signing in Alabama." "This guy comes up and said, "Will you personalize it? "" "I said, "I'll write whatever you want."" "He said, "l want you to write:" "'To Josh, please quit flicking your boogers in your daddy's truck.'"" "I'm trying to make conversation with the guy and I said, "How old is your son? "" "Thinking he's gonna say four or five." "And he goes, "22."" "2786." "All right, big fella." "Hold on, they're still flying." "This is stupid." "What do they do with these?" "Take them to Hooters." "I could sell used cars in Texas." "You could." "Earlier today, we were in Victoria's Secret." "This is from Rhonda's Secret." "I found something that will remind you of your prom night." "I'll have the Texas cheese steak." "The hash browns, I want with cheese, onions, chilies, jalapenos and hot sauce." "What is wrong with you?" "What?" "Does your cardiologist know that you eat this way?" "Believe me, Fox, I didn't get to where I am today worrying about what I was gonna feel like tomorrow." "You're gonna let me die, aren't you?" "Oh, my God!" "Oh, no!" "Go down there and stand like that, and I swear I'll get it right by you." "How do you do this?" "You son of a bitch!" "This is beautiful." "Look at this." "You might be a redneck if you've ever slept in the Waffle House." "I'd like to go on the record and say I don't think any of this is funny." "The director of this film is easily amused." "Saddle that cow." "I'm gonna ride it till it spits." "Don't tell nobody I done that." "That's just for you."