"This is the "Onion News Network."" "Now with more attack satellites than any other network." "Here are some of the stories we're tracking right now." "Malia Obama's arranged marriage to a Taliban chief has brought a tentative peace." "A new medical study finds a glass of wine each day may help you tolerate your existence." "And Portland, Oregon opens the first community-run cooperative McDonalds." "The more you fight the fat, the tighter it grips you." "Welcome to the Fact Zone," "I'm Brooke Alvarez." "Right now we're continuing the "Onion News Network's"" "coverage of the death of the American dream." "The end came at 12:14 pm this afternoon when the last person in the nation to believe that America is the land of boundless opportunity, that is Edward Tuffy, a bar owner in pennington, Illinois," "quietly let go of the dream while watching television and eating cereal on his couch." ""Onion news network" reporter," "Andrea Bennett, joins us now from pennington where she's standing by with Mr. Tuffy himself." "Andrea?" "Thanks, Brooke." "Mr. Tuffy, can you briefly take us through what happened?" "Well I run this bar, "Tuffy's tavern."" "Uh, been there 15 years, and I had this plan that I was gonna start a couple of locations." "Like maybe a small chain, you know, add a grill, some palm trees on the wall." "Make it like a real cuisine atmosphere." "So expand your business, and build a better life for you and your children?" "Yeah, like that." "So I woke up this morning, and I decided I'd try to get myself together and drive over to Millsbury and check out a couple other spots, in case" "I ever got the money to open another bar." "And then I was, uh, flippin' through the channels on the tv while I was eatin' my breakfast, and I started watching that movie "eraser."" "With Arnold Schwarzenegger and Vanessa Williams?" "Yeah, yeah." "And I forgot how good it was." "And I started watchin' that." "And then I started watchin' this show with these doctors." "They were talkin' about these sex problems." "And then I realized that it was noon, and I hadn't even put my pants on, and there was not a chance in hell that I was ever goin' to start a chain of bars." "So that's when the American dream died?" "Yep." "And then these reporters started calling me, and before I even got out of the shower, there was all these tv crews here." "So did you feel anything when the American dream died?" "Nah, not really." "Kind of hungry, I guess." "All right, Mr. Tuffy, what's next for you?" "Uh, well I got to get back to the bar, uh," "Tommy doesn't know how to use the register." "All right." "Thank you so much for taking the time to speak with us." "Now, let's talk to a few other pennington residents about their reaction to the American dream dying." "Sir, what you think when you heard the news?" "Well as long as we keep the bald eagle as our national symbol," "I'll be happy." "Bald eagle's are pretty sweet." "Okay, thank you for that." "And what about you, sir?" "What are your thoughts?" "You know what?" "As long as we can still drink without our shirts on," "I didn't really care about" "Tuffy's American dream." "All right." "And ma'am, what about you?" "Were you shocked to hear that the American dream had died?" "How did you feel about this?" "Well, no, but truth is, we're still really proud of Tuffy being a-a role model for all those lackluster Americans that have given up their dreams." "You know I was gonna make him a plaque, but then I was like," ""eh, why bother?"" "All right." "That's the story here in pennington." "Back to you in the studio," "Brooke." "Thanks, Andrea." "Well Mr. Tuffy's abandonment of his bar and grill plan marks the end of a long decline for the American dream." "For a quick look back now let's go over to Tucker hope at the recon wall." "Tucker?" "Thanks very much," "Brooke." "As you may remember from your history books, congress put the current" "American dream in place in 1894." "Prior to that, the American dream had been to have a cellar filled with barley corn, and to die in a manner not involving horrific disease or torture." "But it wasn't long before the allure of the new dream started to fade as evidenced in this letter written by a river boat Porter in 1901." ""I could toil to have twice" ""as many sacks of sugar" ""each hour, but never would I" ""rise above my lowly stature." ""Better than to drink and nap."" "By 1940, more than half the nation had completely given up trying." "A phenomenon addressed in popular radio dramas from the time." "Jimmy, I've been workin' on this here ranch since before you were born." "Wow." "Yep, I'm too lazy to go out and do something that might make me happy." "Ah, geez." "In the '60s, a combined 100 million people gave up the dream after smoking their first joint." "And deciding everything was pretty much fine as is." "Then in 1984, millions of Americans gave up the dream on mass when the song" ""99 red balloons,"" "made them realize that they would probably all die in a nuclear war anyway." "By 2008, only three people still believed in the American dream." "That is until fed ex employee," "Ramona Ellis, gave up hers after getting pregnant from her manager, Theo." "Then last year fifth grader," "Paul wang gave up in the" "American dream when he told a group of classmates that he wanted to become a great scientist and cure cancer." "After which, he was called" ""a fag," and pushed into a mud puddle." "Bringing us to today, when Edward Tuffy gave up his as well." "Finally extinguishing the last vestige of the once great American dream." "Brooke." "Thanks, Tucker." "You bet." "We'll of course have more updates from pennington throughout the evening, but right now let's move on to some of the other big news happening around the country." "In a dramatic scene last night, a coalition of the nation's damaged women staged a drunken, tear-soaked march on the capitol just after 2 am." "The "Onion News Network's"" "chief Washington correspondent," "Jane Carmichael has more." "Jane?" "Thank you, Brooke." "The damaged women began their protest yesterday afternoon marching on the national mall at about 4 pm, and then marching away furious saying," ""they were done with congress" ""once and for all."" "But then they came back again late last night insisting that someone in Washington listen to them for once." "Congress, all we're asking for is a little bit of respect." "A little bit of your attention." "Nobody ever listens." "I don't know why tonight would be any different." "This just plays into all of our abandonment issues." "The late night protests started with tearful apologies, but quickly moved to anger as marchers demanded that congress pass a bill making it illegal to say" ""you love someone," ""then up and leave as soon as" ""there's one little problem."" "Why are you ignoring us?" "Stop ignoring us!" "Why don't you hear me when I talk to you!" "Wipe that smirk off of your fa... no, come back!" "Come back!" "Because we-we think that you... we want you to care about us." "I don't need to pay a therapist to tell me" "I'm unhappy!" "I know I'm unhappy!" "Following a very Frank declaration from the women in which they opened up about the abortion they had when they were 17," "Delaware senator tom carper released a statement saying that," ""congress wasn't going anywhere" ""and that they would do" ""all they could" ""to help the women."" "However, around 4:30 am, the women admitted that they had made up the abortion to get sympathy, then started cutting themselves while repeating," ""this is the love you deserve."" "Over and over." "That's when capitol police were called to break up the protest." "Uh, I told them that they all had to vacate the area, and then they started yelling," ""you're just like my dad" ""because you're trying" ""to control everything."" "Uh, and then one of them said," ""I know you want to hit me." ""I can see it." ""Just go ahead and do it." ""Just hit me in the face."" "And then she started crying." "This morning, the damaged women's coalition released a statement denying that they ever marched on Washington claiming congress was quote," ""always trying to twist" ""things around to make us" ""look crazy."" "Brooke?" "Brooke?" "Thanks, Jane." "That story brings back a lot of memories." "I won my first pulitzer for my coverage of the historic spa day summit between the damaged women and the nation's concerned sisters back in 1999." "Sisters back in 1999." "Well the damaged women weren't the only ones hitting the street today." "In Florida, about 300 people gathered outside the state capitol to protest a new bill that would allow same sex couples to adopt." "The protestors say," ""it's unfair to raise children" ""in an environment" ""where they will be" ""habitually exposed to people" ""calling their parents" ""terrible names and shaking" ""'God hate fags' signs" ""in their faces."" "For some expert analysis now on this always controversial topic." "Let's turn to the Facts Zones first responders." "Duncan, does gay adoption endanger children?" "Oh, absolutely." "Uh, recent studies show that children of gay parents are ten times as likely to be screamed at by someone they don't even know, and 20 times as likely to be told that their gay parents are the spawn of Satan." "Now how is that not detrimental to the development of the child to see some crazy women screaming at their gay parents that they're gonna be sucking dick in hell forever." "That will mess with the child's head." "But to be fair, most homes are hellscapes of tension and despair no matter if they're straight or gay." "Growing up is a roller coaster ride of-of torment." "Either way." "But lauralee not all the affects are mental." "Children of gay parents are 50 times as likely to be hit by an errant rock, or to be trampled by a large group of people carrying signs." "And many of these protestors have pledged to avidly fight this issue to the death, which means that no gay couple can ever really provide a stable home life for the children no matter how many years past." "Well maybe the gay couple should be required to take a-a class in parenting so they can learn how to avoid these protestors who want to hurt or harm their children." "That doesn't solve the problem having those hate-spewing protestors in their lives!" "It's not a choice." "Right, but just as the gays have the rights, the homophobes have the rights to take away the rights of the gays." "This is America." "And you don't have to be straight to protest a gay issue." "My Uncle was the gayest man in Penola county, but he was still the first to come out and condemn homosexuality." "Well, look, look." "Just as long as gay parents agree to be self-loathing, and to teach their children that homosexuality is wrong, gay adoption should be fine." "Yeah, that sounds right." "Thank you, so much, first responders." "Why don't you take the rest of the night off?" "Let's head back now to pennington, Illinois where it's been confirmed the construction on a permanent memorial to the American dream will begin next week." "The monument will be made of metal, that like the American dream itself, will slowly disintegrate over time until it collapses upon itself." "And the base of the sculpture will feature an eternal flame where people can write their hopes and dreams on slips of paper and then set them ablaze." "Visitors can meditate on the memorial from the comfort one of the 50" "Barka loungers, which will ring the base of the statue symbolizing America's 50 states." "All right, we have to duck out of the "Facts Zone"" "for a few minutes." "Let's take you out on a song that many consider an unofficial anthem to the American dream." ""Sittin' here waitin'" ""for the money to roll in,"" "from the Joe biden band." "Stay in the "Facts Zone."" "Just waitin' for the money to roll in just waitin' for the money to roll in roll on" "What you see in the "Fact Zone,"" "you can never un-see." "I'm Brooke Alvarez, and we're getting reports coming in from across the country that rather than lamenting the passing of the American dream, many people are celebrating its demise." "Relieved that they no longer have to pretend to be trying to make a better life for themselves." "This is especially true in pennington, Illinois where the dream died." "Dozens have gathered at "Tuffy's tavern," site of the historic dreams passing for a celebratory drink." "I'm so glad it died." "Now I don't have to feel bad about being anything more than the town floozy." "Ah, yeah as soon as it died I completely stopped feeling guilty about never having done an honest days work in my life." "Unless you count huffing paint as work." "I can watch those people drinking all night, but unfortunately we need to head back to Tucker hope for a look at some of the other big stories going on right now." "Tucker?" "Thanks very much," "Brooke." "Personally, I have no use for the American dream." "If I stay exactly where I am for the rest of my life," "I will be a very happy man." "All right, first let's start off in Las Cruces, New Mexico where the cash strapped" "NASA program has launched a new mission to explore new Mexico." "A robotic probe sent out on its course for Albuquerque at 10:14 this morning and began to collect soil samples through the use of its mechanical arm." "NASA administrator," "Michael Polasick said," ""the interstate 25 odyssey" ""project will provide" ""vital information about" ""the dirt in new Mexico," ""and is much cheaper than" ""actually going to space."" "The probe has already sent back some incredible footage of the side of the highway." "Very cool." "Now let's look at" "Pittsboro, Indiana where champion nascar driver," "Jeff Gordon, has donated 2 million dollars to a new anti-illiteracy charity aimed at teaching Jeff Gordon to read." "Gordon kicked off the project, which aims to stamp out" "Gordon's illiteracy in his lifetime with a star studded event where celebrities like Susan Sarandon and kelsey grammar read" "Mr. Gordon some of their favorite books while he sat on a so-called "learning rug"" "at the event, Gordon announced," ""teaching me to read" ""is the most important" ""investment Americans" ""can make in my future."" "Now, over to Washington, D.C." "Where vice president Joe biden has made an announcement that he will be releasing his secret service detail, and replacing them with a squad of sexy female bodyguards." "The team includes sharpshooter and demolitions expert," "Vivica Clay." "Azura Moon, a Malaysian martial arts expert, and champion lightweight boxer," "Hara Rodriguez." "Though the vice president's bodyguard roster is currently full, biden said he is always on the lookout for new talent." "Anyone wishing to be considered for the team can upload a resume of fighting skills and a photo of themselves in a bikini to the white house website." "Brooke?" "Thank you, Tucker." "Now let's turn out attention back to the death of the American dream." "The international response to the event has been swift, with many world leaders offering their support." "British prime minister," "David Cameron, released a statement today officially inviting America to join England's slow descent into irrelevance." "Leaders from the islands of Micronesia released a statement saying quote," ""we anticipate the cast off" ""remnants of the American dream" ""to arrive on our shores" ""in the coming months," ""along with the other garbage" ""your country dumps" ""into the ocean."" "And Norway has offered America temporary use of the" "Norwegian dream, which essentially involves dried fish and a more collective view of society." "We here in America truly appreciate these sentiments." "Unfortunately, a handful of other nations have not been so kind." "Making snide remarks about the death of the dream and even implying that the United States is past its prime." "To those nations I have one thing to say, we may have lost the American dream, but we are still the country that invented the zipper." "Yes, other nations may have pulled ahead in quality of life, or national spirit, but no one will ever create a more elegant method for keeping pants shut than a row of tiny metal teeth." "Ever." "And yes, the Asian continent now manufacturers 90 percent of the world's zippers, but we brought it into being." "We didn't do it for fame, we did it to help people keep their pants up." "Would African doctors be able to cure diseases without the zippered bag that holds their stethoscopes?" "Would Indian workers be able to program the world's computers if they couldn't close their laptop cases?" "Would man have made it to the top of mount Everest if they had to close their tents with a series of buckles?" "No." "So to those nations who called America a quote," ""collapsing, bloated giant" ""and a failed imperialistic" ""experiment... " I just say, sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of the world zipping up." "All right." "We'll return with more in a few minutes." "As we go to break, let's take a look now at another reaction to the death of the American dream." "This one from an American in Los Angeles, California." "The American dream, for me, you know, was to go through life without losing a leg." "So really it ended for me, you know, about six months ago." "Stop... wait there." "Okay." "Coming to the "Fact Zone."" "I'm Brooke Alvarez." "Is npr guilty of de-sensationalizing the news?" "Find out later tonight on" ""media monitor,"" "with Kyle Adoski." "But right now we're getting word that congress has already begun work on selecting a new American dream." "Let's go now to a live feed from Washington where the new dream is being discussed." "For you a proposal for a new American dream." "Pd number 432a, the so-called" ""sex with celebrity dream."" "Under this American dream every U.S. citizen would strive toward one day having sex with a b-list celebrity." "Just a bit of clarification, this dream seems similar to pd 309, in which the American dream would be to attain three or more groupies and it is both a fame and sex-based dream." "But the texts of the dreams are very different." "Before we move on," "I'd like to make a proposal to return to the discussion of pd 428." "The American dream of to create your own novelty tourist attraction." "Now I believe a dream in which every American strives to have the world's largest chair, or a wax museum, or a huge sculpture of a dinosaur made from welded together farm tools would both be inspiring and it would drive up" "international trade." "Motion denied." "I've always dreamed of riding in a submarine." "Uh, congressman," "I don't think that that dream is shared by all Americans." "I couldn't disagree with you more, Mr. chairman." "Do we really need a dream right now?" "Can't we just coast for awhile?" "All right." "We'll have much more on that later." "But right now, let's turn to the dire situation in Hollywood, where a devastating freak accident at" ""Sony pictures studio"" "has resulted in 34" "Katherine Heigl movies being released at once." ""Onion news network" reporter," "Brian Scott has more." "Thanks, Brooke." "A frantic scene in Hollywood today as studio officials scrambled to contain a massive stream of Katherine Heigl films pouring into theaters." "At present, 19 romantic comedies." "14 screwball romps." "And one attempted art house indie credibility featuring the 32-year old actress have hit unsuspecting theaters across the country." "Sony pictures reps claim that the disaster was caused by a night shift janitor, who forgot to secure the Heigl vault after cleaning it." "They released a statement earlier today... saying quote," ""we understand that exposure" ""to this amount of" ""Katherine Heigl is dangerous" ""for anybody, even someone" ""who doesn't hate her." ""We promise to do everything" ""we can do to get the level" ""of Heigl films back down" ""to a much more manageable" ""three or four per year."" "Industry experts are warning that one Katherine Heigl film in particular," ""Venus and Mars,"" "co-starring Bradley Cooper, may be especially hazardous." "Triage centers have been set up in parking lots of movie theaters nationwide like the one behind me." "We're doin' the best we can out here, but the movies are just comin' out too fast." ""Fool me once," with her and Justin long." ""Across the pond," where she falls in love Hugh grant." "This "nervous Nelly," movie where she wears glasses." "They're all wreaking total havoc." "Emergency rooms have already reported a 700% increase in self-blindinks, and mental health wards are seeing huge numbers of new patients suffering from severe post-Heigl stress disorder." "But movie critics who had to view every one of these films have been among the hardest hit." "Roger ebert even posted an erratic plea for help this afternoon on his blog at the "Chicago-sun times."" "To help these victims and others recover from the nearly 68 hours of" "Katherine Heigl's face and voice, FEMA has begun distributing emergency DVDs of the existential" "Cohen brother's film," ""no country for old men."" "FEMA's also implementing an emergency plan developed back in 1993 after" "Columbia records simultaneously released 14 toad the wet sprocket albums." "Brooke, back to you." "Thanks, Brian." "Ms. Heigl made a statement to reporters this afternoon saying," ""this absolutely tragic." ""Believe me no one recognizes" ""how terrible and grating" ""I am more than me." ""I have to live with it" ""all day, every day."" "I've got to say" "Katherine Heigl was nothing but nice to me at the women awards." "Before we go to break now let's take a quick look at the "Fact Zone's"" "viewer tracking module, to see just how our viewers around the nation are responding to the news that the American dream has died." "Our real-time satellite images show that 58% of our viewers are going about their days as usual..." "like Chris irvine here in Georgia." "You see him there walking his dog, Arthur as he does every day at this time." "Suggesting that the news has not had that much of an effect on him." "However, some of our eyeball cams are showing a different story." "Here's a feed from the camera we implanted in the cornea of Theresa adler of glendale, California when she thought she was getting laser eye surgery." "At this very moment, she's checking her bank account perhaps to reassure herself during these very unsure times." "Very interesting." "All right... we have to take a short break eight now, but for your safety, don't leave the "Fact Zone."" "You are once again ensconced in the "Facts Zone."" "I'm Brooke Alvarez." "The u-n has just announced that it will be sending additional violence keeping troops into Somalia to ensure that the violence continues there." "Much more on that later here on the "onion new network."" "But right now we have an urgent breaking news blast coming in." "President Obama has just signed an official order decreeing that the new American dream would be to own a tricked out motorcycle." "Again, this is official, folks." "The dream of every" "American citizen, the driving force behind all that we live for as a nation will be the pursuit of owning a very cool-looking motorcycle." "Let's go live now to Washington where deputy press secretary," "Todd grant is making a formal declaration of the new American dream." "Be with you shortly." "In the meantime, the president released this statement." ""The promise of America" ""is that all citizens," ""regardless of race, class," ""or creed, might one day" ""be able to twist a wick on" ""a sweet v-twin hard tail." ""Raging dual exhaust systems," ""double block headers," ""chrome force." ""These are the kick-ass" ""motorcycle components that" ""we will one day pass" ""to our children and to" ""our children's children." ""To those who may doubt" ""whether America remains" ""the greatest nation" ""in the world, come see us" ""atop our screaming hogs." ""Blazing across scorching" ""pavement like bad-ass road" ""vikings hungry for a fight."" "I must say I had hoped that the new American dream would be trouncing those weaker and poorer than you with venomous insults until their minds dissolve into insanity, but this dream is also good." "I've been informed that in an effort to create quality programming that reflects the nation's new priorities, th"Onion News Network's"" "has canceled the Chris stance." "So now I'll turn you over to our newest program," ""motorcycle, motorcycle," ""motorcycle."" "From all of us here at the "Facts Zone,"" "good night." "And may you reach your perfect bike." ""Motorcycle," ""motorcycle, motorcycle!""