"In last week's episode of Soap," "Dutch and Chester were discovered hiding from the police in the Tate basement." "Dutch, to prevent the Tates from going for help, told them he'd kill Chester if they did." "They didn't." "Corinne and Tim had a wedding... during which" "Mrs. Flotsky tried to prevent their marriage." "She couldn't." "Jody told Burt and Mary that he's going to be a father." "He told Burt to be serious." "Burt wasn't." "And Dutch went up to Eunice's bedroom." "He said he didn't have anything on his mind, but did." "Eunice thought about preventing it..." "But didn't." "Confused?" "You won't be... after this week's episode of..." "Soap." "This is the story of two sisters," "Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell." "These are the Tates... and these are the Campbells." "And this is Soap." "[KNOCKING ON DOOR]" "Yoo-hoo." "May I come in?" "Sure, Ma." "Oh, Corinne, it was such a lovely wedding, and you were the most beautiful bride" "I've ever seen." "Oh, thanks, Ma." "And Tim was so handsome." "It just couldn't have been nicer." "It's just a shame" "Bob got so drunk and hit Chuck." "Oh, Corinne, uh... living with your husband is going to be a lot different than living here." "Oh, I know that, Ma." "I mean, for example, Benson won't be there." "I know that, Ma." "You'll be living with a man." "I don't care what Gloria Steinem says, men expect certain things, you know." "Ma, I know this, really." "I'm not sure that you do." "I mean, I remember when I first married your father," "I was very surprised." "First of all," "I was surprised that any human being could take that long in the bathroom." "And, secondly, I was very surprised because mother told me that on my wedding night" "I was expected to..." "Ma, I know these things, really." "Remember?" "I lived with a man." "Oh, yes, that's right." "You did." "Oh, well, then I guess you know all about everything you're supposed to know about." "Yep." "Good." "I'm so glad." "Because I didn't have an idea in the world how I could explain it to you." "You know, when I look back now on my life with your father," "I can see all the places that we ran aground." "Well, I wanted to tell you about them so you could avoid them." "But I realized that all those dangerous places, all the rocks in your marriage, are going to be in different spots at different times." "There isn't any way for me to warn you about them." "But, you know, Corinne, whatever does happen in life is not nearly so bad when it's put into words." "I guess the best thing I can tell you is just talk to each other, hmm?" "Corinne?" "Mm?" "Be happy." "I will, Ma." "Good." "[CHESTER MAKING KISSY NOISES]" "[LOUD WHISPER] Chester?" "[KISSY NOISES CONTINUE]" "Chester?" "Where are you?" "[LOWERED VOICE] I'm over here." "Oh." "I heard him rustling around these boxes earlier this evening." "If he's lost or hurt," "I'll never forgive myself." "Do you mean Dutch, dear?" "Because if you do, I think he's upstairs." "No." "Arnold." "Arnold?" "He's a rat." "A rat?" "Yes." "I met him last week, over there behind the furnace." "Oh, Jess, sometimes I feel like he's the only friend I've got left." "You..." "you don't mean a rat, like, an actual rat?" "Well, Arnold is a very special rat." "Well, I guess he is if he told you his name." "Jessica, I named Arnold myself." "[GASPS]" "And I taught him all kinds of little special tricks." "For instance, I'll set out a piece of cheese, and sooner or later, he'll creep out and eat it." "[IMITATES RAT MUNCHING]" "It's usually when I'm asleep, of course... but... but, still, isn't that wonderful?" "I'm also teaching him to, uh, scurry off." "Scurry off?" "That's right." "All I have to do is clap my hands like this, and he scurries off." "And I'm also trying to teach him to come when I call him." "Let me give it a try." "[MOANING]" "Don't you think it would work better, dear, if you just said, "Here, Arnold, here, Arnold"?" "Jess, I wasn't calling him." "It was something else." "It was some kind of an attack." "Oh, Chester..." "An attack?" "Oh, it only lasts a second or two." "No, you mustn't worry." "It's probably just, uh... tension." "[BREATHES HEAVILY]" "Chester... it's because of this murder of yours." "I thought no good would come of it." "Look at us, for example, Chester." "How long has it been since we had a normal married life?" "Jessica, I'm an escaped convict who's not allowed out of his own basement because I'm at the mercy of a killer." "Well..." ""Well..."" "don't you think that, in some small way, might have an effect upon our domestic life?" "Chester, I love you." "Why don't we spend the night together in our bedroom?" "Oh, Jess, I'm sorry." "I really am." "It's just that..." "Everything that's going on," "I just can't..." "you know?" "[CLEARS THROAT]" "Do you want this down here or upstairs in the bedroom or what?" "No, Benson, I..." "I guess you might as well leave it down here." "You see, darling, I thought it would be really nice if we shared a bottle of your favorite wine together." "Oh, Jess, I just wish" "I deserved all the kindness you've shown me." "[MUTTERING] So do I." "You've just been so nice." "Look out, look out!" "[SPLAT]" "I got that mother..." "That was Arnold." "Tim?" "Uh, it's our wedding night, and you've been in there for over 20 minutes." "Are you all right?" "Well, sure." "I'm just setting up the courtesy coffee so it'll be all ready first thing in the morning." "I don't think we have to worry about coffee, Tim." "Besides, I've already ordered champagne." "Okay, I'll be right there." "I just want to rinse out a few things." "Tim, I think this is serious." "I think you should come out now." "Good night." "You're a little nervous, aren't you?" "Me?" "Don't be crazy." "Why would I be nervous?" "Good." "Boy, this is some view, isn't it?" "I wonder how many miles you can see." "Tim, we're only on the second floor." "Look, I can understand if you're a little uneasy." "But you must have known all along that this would be part of our marriage... hopefully." "Well, I thought I could handle it when the time came, but now I'm not so sure." "But it's not something you do alone." "It's something we do together... hopefully." "[KNOCKING ON DOOR]" "That must be room service." "Can you get it?" "Sure." "Coming." "Good evening." "Good evening." "Will that be all, sir?" "Yes." "Father Flotsky!" "It's me..." "Orville." "Oh, right..." "Orville." "Listen, Father, the reason you haven't seen me at mass is I'm working Sundays." "It's okay." "And I..." "I want you to know, ever since my last confession," "I have completely given up the twins." "[STAMMERS]" "Hiya." "I don't believe it." "You don't understand." "This is my wife." "And you made me give up the twins." "Don't worry about it." "Come on, let's have a drink." "All right." "To us." "Do you feel better?" "Uh-huh." "Good." "How much better?" "A little bit better?" "No, a lot better." "Definitely a whole lot better." "In fact, I feel better now than I ever did in my entire... oh..." "[TELEPHONE RINGS]" "Aw, no!" "Hello?" "Mother?" "Attack?" "What sort of an attack?" "Ma, be reasonable." "You're not dying." "It's our wedding night." "Of course she's here." "[ALARM CLOCK BUZZING]" "[ALARM STOPS]" "Burt..." "Time to get up." "[GROANS]" "Seven of my men are gonna be off today because it's a Jewish holiday, and I'm gonna have to do all their jobs." "Burt, could I talk to you before you go?" "You know what kills me is I don't think they're all Jewish... two of them are black, and one's an Indian." "Darling, I really need to talk to you." "We'll talk tonight, Mary." "I got a big day ahead or me." "Well, at least you're gonna have a day." "I'm not gonna have any day at all." "Is that a riddle, Mary?" "Because if it is, it's much too early for that." "I have no life, Burt." "I have nothing to do all day." "Now the kids are grown, and you're hardly ever home to dinner, and there's, uh, no laundry to do and nothing to clean." "No beds to make." "Nothing." "I could be sloppier." "I tell you what, you know, Mary, when I come home tonight, I'll mess up the house." "You know, Mary, right now I can't talk or else I'll be late." "Oh, you won't be late, Burt." "I set the alarm ahead a half an hour." "It's only 5:30." "Burt..." "I need to talk to you." "Mary, I need to sleep." "I want to go to school, Burt." "Mary, it's 5:30 in the morning." "School's closed." "I'm serious." "I want to go to college." "I want to study English." "Why?" "I think you speak it very well." "Are you against me going?" "Well..." "Why?" "Why?" "Because I don't want you to feel bad." "Why should I feel bad?" "When you fail, you'll feel bad." "I won't fail." "You might." "I won't." "I know." "That's just the problem, Mary." "You're gonna get smart." "I'm not gonna get smart, Burt." "Yeah, you will." "You'll get smart." "And then you'll get too smart for me." "You'll learn all those things" "I don't know, and you'll start using big words when you talk, like..." "like, uh..." ""notwithstanding" and "heretofore."" "I won't understand any of that, and then you're gonna find out how really dumb I am and you'll leave me for somebody smart who you can talk with about philosophy." "Oh, Burt." "It'll happen, Mary." "You're so dumb." "See?" "It's starting already." "Burt..." "I'm not gonna get smart and leave you." "First of all, you're the smartest man I know, and second of all, I love you." "I want to go to school, Burt." "I'll feel more like a person." "I'll feel better." "And if I feel better, it'll be better for us." "You really think I'm smart?" "Oh..." "The smartest man you ever met?" "Listen, Mary, I got 20 minutes left." "No sense going back to sleep." "You're so smart." "[CHUCKLING]" "Hey, Danny." "Whoa!" "Ooh!" "Oh, ho, ho!" "She really picked up speed there, huh?" "Yeah, especially towards the end." "Still, it's amazing the way it knocked that horse right out from under that cop." "He's okay, though." "He's just stunned." "The cop?" "No, the horse!" "See?" "He's up now, and he's eating my apple." "Hey, look, the cop is up too." "Oh, he's down again." "[SIGHS]" "Come on, Danny," "Danny, what's the matter?" "Believe me, 40 stories up is not a good place to be depressed." "Ah, it's Elaine." "Every day, it's more and more shopping." "She's charging up a storm." "I'll tell you, you can't believe how much I'm in debt." "[SHRIEKING]" "You got to be more careful." "Anyway, I don't know what I'm gonna do." "She's not the kind of girl that settles for second best, and she's got this idea that nothing's too good for her." "There's no end in sight." "Wait a minute." "Wait a minute." "What if you agree with her?" "Only more so." "Hey, the same thing happened in some musical..." "uh, Oklahoma." "No, that wasn't it." "Showboat." "No." "No, no." "Carousel." "Oh, boy." "You know, I really love musicals." "The only one that ever disappointed me was Cabin in the Sky." "But that was my fault, because I thought it was gonna be a musical about the construction industry." "Burt, you said you had some idea of how I could handle Elaine." "I'd really appreciate it if you'd tell me what you think I should do." "Danny, Kiss Me, Shrew." "Kiss your what?" "Not my what." "Kiss Me, Shrew." "It's a very famous musical by Shakespeare." "It'll work for you, Danny." "I know it's gonna work for you." "See, in this story, this guy's got, oh, a terrible wife." "Yeah?" "And he keeps her in line." "He comes in..." "Whoa!" "Look out!" "You're gonna love it." "Well, you can bet I'll save this ribbon." "Oh!" "You shouldn't have!" "A turtle!" "You like it?" "I love him." "Woodle-woodle woodle-loo!" "I'll put him back here so he can play." "Oh, Chester, you know the nice thing about a turtle is that that's something everyone can use but seldom goes out to buy for himself." "Uh... thank you for your gifts too." "You're welcome, Daddy." "Please, don't mention it." "Also, I had eye on a spider for you over there behind the stairs, but he turned out to be dead, and I didn't want to bring back bad memories." "All right, I did what you asked, so I just hope I've heard the last of it." "You gave Arnold a proper burial?" "Sort of." "What do you mean, sort of?" "Well, it was more like a burial at sea." "Flushed him down the toilet." "Colonel..." "I understand you recently lost a valued rodent." "And I thought the companionship of Sigmund might be of some solace." "Who's Sigmund?" "A gallant Doberman I liberated from the Nazis during our push to the Rhine." "Now, despite his ancestry," "I think you'll find him a devoted and loyal patriot." "Come, Sigmund." "Sigmund, come!" "Heel." "Stay!" "Sigmund, your new master." "Well, Daddy, at least you don't have to worry about fleas." "No." "Oddly enough, in his sunset years, he seems to be more bothered by moths." "Daddy..." "Nonetheless, he has still retained his basic knowledge of simple commands." "Sigmund, lie down." "Lie down!" "Good boy." "Words fail me." "All I can say is..." "[MOANING]" "What, Chester?" "Landed right on the turtle." "Hey, his breathing sounds bad." "This could be serious." "Oh, dear." "Well, I..." "I..." "I'd better call an ambulance." "No, that's no good." "They find out he's been hiding here, you'll all be in trouble for harboring a fugitive." "Well, Dutch, we have to do something!" "I know." "Wait a minute." "Benson, you and the major take him out the back way, around to the front of the house." "Then if anybody asks what happened, say he rang the doorbell and passed out on the doorstep." "Okay, good idea." "Give me a hand here." "Oh, dear, I..." "I'm going to call the ambulance." "I got to get out of here." "The cops'll be swarming all over this place as soon as they identify your dad." "Let me come with you." "Are you crazy?" "It's too dangerous." "I don't want to be without you." "Listen..." "I can't make any promises, but after this calms down," "I'll try to come back and see you." "Really?" "Will you?" "I'll try." "But I don't know how long it'll take." "Goodbye, Dutch." "Be careful." "So long, sweetheart." "[GASPS] Ew!" "Ah, they're not gonna buy it." "This doesn't look natural." "What do you mean?" "Well, the story is, he rang the doorbell and then collapsed." "This looks like he settled down for a nap." "Give me a hand here." "Let's get him up." "[SIREN WAILING]" "Oh, dear!" "You'd better hurry." "Yeah, this'll make it look more real." "Let's get him over here by the door." "Billy, put his finger on the doorbell there." "[DOORBELL CHIMES]" "Isn't that strange?" "It sounds as if he's perfectly fine." "Now, I'm gonna count to three." "Now, when I do, everybody move away." "One... two... three." "Yeah, that looks natural." "[TIRES SCREECH]" "Does Burt really have a plan to change Elaine?" "Does it involve surgery?" "Is Chester seriously ill?" "Or is he just upset about Arnold?" "Will Sigmund ever be housebroken?" "Will Dutch and Eunice get together again?" "Will Corinne and Tim get together?" "What will the police do when they discover" "Chester's been taken to the hospital?" "Will they have to wait for visiting hours to arrest him?" "These questions and many others will be answered on next week's episode of..." "Soap." "Soap is videotaped before a studio audience." "[♪]"