"Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Bill Cosby!" "Hello!" "All right." "Happy to have all of you here." "And, uh..." "When I said to some people," ""I'm coming to cerritos," they said, "Ooh, good."" "I said, "We're gonna tape for a TV show."" "So they said, "Oh, yeah?" "What... what... a special for..."" "I said, "Yeah."" "So they said, "Well, which one?"" "I said, "Comedy Central."" "So they said..." ""Excuse me, you?"" "I said, "Yeah."" ""Is this... is this a new Comedy Central?"" "I said, "No, it's the one that you see all the time."" "So, like, one of the guys started crying." "So I said, "What's the matter?"" "He said..." ""Mr. Cosby's gonna curse."" "And they walked away." "So then, another couple, they said," ""We... we hear you're..." "you're gonna do a special."" "I said, "Yeah."" "So they said, "On Comedy Central?"" "They went like this..." "I said, "Yeah."" "They said..." ""Then, uh, we can expect to see some, uh..."" "I said, "Not really."" ""Well, what are you gonna do?"" "I said, "I'm gonna almost talk that way."" "They said, "What do you mean?"" "I said, "You know, you aim at it, and you hit it, but nobody heard you firing."" "As you grow, you find people in your way." "Old people." "Two of 'em, you lived with." "So you become..." "A person who, now managing your life, you fall in love." "And you see the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with." "And you ask that person to be with you when you die." "I mean..." "I mean, that's essentially what I said." "I didn't realize what I was saying, but I said that." "I-I thought I was being romantic." "I said to her," ""I would like to spend the rest of my life with you."" "Well, if you..." "see, love..." "When... there used to be a time when songwriters wrote words, and they..." "They had..." "they had stuff..." ""I lo..." "I'm crazy about you." "I love you." "I just can't think right." "I'm going mad."" "And all of that." "And... and..." "And it's true!" "You're not making any sense." "You want somebody to be with you until you die." "That's not love." "You know, I don't know what you can call it, but it's not romantic either." "I mean, you think about it, you know, she's there, and you say, "I would like to spend the rest of my life with you."" "Oh, whoops." "Wait a minute." "Whoops." "Wait a minute." "Let's go back and listen to your grandmother." "After your grandfather died..." "And ten years later, somebody says," ""Grandma, don't you want to meet somebody, a man?"" ""I don't want to take care of another old man."" "See, she's not in love anymore." "Grandma says, "Oh, no, you don't." "You don't get me one of those things, man."" "When you fall in love, you accept craziness." "See..." "Here she is." "Right there." "She's called the "girlfriend."" "Girlfriend." "Now, this person is wonderful for you." "She will even drink beer..." "With you and lay up in your ar..." "She will watch sports..." "With you, and... and even know your friends by name..." "And say the names like she really likes the person." "She's a wonderful person." "This is the girlfriend." "Friend." "Girl..." "Okay?" "Loving you!" "Pick you up anywhere." ""Come and get me." Zoom." "Right there." "You can say to her, "Do you have any money?"" "She will... she will say, "I'm sorry, I don't."" "Well, you can't get everything." "There she is." "But..." "After 49 years of experience, she is the lure." "You ever do fishing?" "The lure is something very beautiful, and it bobs in the water." "And it draws you..." "Yeah." "So nice, this person." "So wonderful." "You... you leave her, and she'll call three minutes later." ""I miss you."" "Yeah." "You can call her." "Any hour." "Any hour." "She's... "Yes, oh, yes." "I miss you so much." "When are you..."" ""Yes."" "The girl..." "Friend." "Thank you very much." "So you want her..." "So badly that you..." "Want to spend the rest of your life with the girl..." "Friend." "That's who you're proposing to." "So now you have to go get a diamond..." "Because a diamond is a girl's..." "Best friend." "Hey." "Love..." "love is not..." "you're not clear." "You're not thinking..." "you're not saying to yourself," ""Wait a minute, she's my girlfriend." ""But if I want her to spend the rest of my life," "I have to go get her her friend."" "And maybe more." "Now, everything I'm telling you is not anti." "You know, none of it is anti." "I'm just trying to make it clear for the males, because somebody keeps telling us that we are..." ""You're the man." "You're..."" "No." "What we are is not paying attention." "You got to pay attention." "There are people..." "there are paradigms of what is coming." "Your own father." "See, you think you can use him because he's quiet." "And who helped him to become that?" "See, it doesn't register with you that his wife..." ""Don't say that about my mother..."" "He... your mother..." "You know, I can't say "wore him down"" "or "beat him down."" "It's his choice to be a quiet man." "A man who used to love to talk." "A man who took you out places, came back with you, and then she said, "What did you do?"" "And you told her what you and dad did." "And then she told him not to do that anymore." "I'm jumping ahead, 'cause I'm not talking about the girlfriend." "I'm talking about where we're going." "Yeah, here she is." "The wife." "See, when you... there's..." "the game of chess." "Supposedly, men made it up, and it's about war and men and the savageness and the bravery and the genius of commanding and moving pieces and..." "No." "It's marriage." "The queen..." "Moves anywhere she wants..." "Picking off people." "And what happens to the king?" "He's moving one square." "You get the ring." "Then..." "Then you're most humble." "You begin to think what she will mean to you." "And you become humbled, and you realize, as you are mad..." "as you are mad, that you are really..." "You put yourself in such a low self-esteem position." ""I am nothing." "But if I have her, I will conquer the world."" "And you begin to want her and need her, because without her by your side, you can't do it." "And then you have the nerve, after you give her her friend, to tell her how worthless you are." ""I am nothing." "And... and if you will join me..."" "Now, this is getting stupid now..." "But it is the lure of her friend." "She's not paying attention to what you're saying." "She's looking at the diamond." "She thinks you're saying, "Please, marry me,"" "'cause that's all they ever say." "You say, "What did he say?" "He asked me to marry him."" "But you were babbling away about being nobody and nothing and your heart and that you're gonna die before her and you want her there to see this death." "Later on, thousands of years, a woman says," ""I don't want to see that again as long as I live."" "So here we go." "You ask any woman in this audience who's married." ""Did he ask you to marry him?"" ""Yes, he proposed." "What did he say?"" "He said, "Will you marry me?"" "And that's because she never paid attention." "Now, the two men..." "The two men in the wedding..." "important... are told what to do." "The father of the bride is told." ""You walk her down here," ""give her to him," ""and then you come over and sit beside me." ""And stay sober." ""And don't go around asking strangers how much they think all of this cost."" "So much for the power of the father of the bride." "The groom has no power." "He's given an opportunity to invite all of his best buddies." "They come, and they are called the..." " Groomsmen." " The groomsmen." "And the reason why he's given that privilege is because this is the last time he will ever see them..." "Except maybe as pallbearers." "Now, I don't know if you're planning to get married for the first time." "All you fellas, now just listen to me carefully." "I..." "If you can swing it, I think it'll be very nice." "Take... take the father of the bride out." "Let him sit next to the bride's mother." "In his place, while you're standing and waiting for her, you will put your mother." "The groom's mother..." "think about it... is bringing her." "You see?" "You can now see your whole life." "Here comes the woman who brought you into this world, now bringing to you the woman who is going to..." "No, let me say it!" "Take you out." "Thank you." "So now, you men pass up certain things." "You don't recognize..." "When you're married, you don't recognize certain things that..." "Pardon me..." "that she's doing." "She's not an evil person." "I don't think that she is like a person..." ""Uh, give me that big, red one." "I'm gonna ride 'em till he can't breathe anymore."" "No, I don't think that." "But I do know..." "That... that they..." "they..." "Things belong to them..." "And you don't know that." "You think this is yours..." "That it belongs to the two of you." ""My wife and I."" "See, it's not true." "The first time I ever talked out loud to myself..." "I was married seven months." "I came in, and I took my shoes off, put 'em there, and I-I went back to get something to drink, came back, and they were gone." "They were gone because a part of my mind said..." "Because the eyes told him," ""What happened to your shoes?"" "So I answered myself." "I said, "I don't know."" "So... so my brain said, "Well, they were here."" "I said, "Yeah, I took 'em off."" "And then my brain said, "Yeah, we saw you do that." "We saw you..." "you put 'em right there."" "So things start to move." "And the reason is, they are not..." "Yours." "And where they..." " Belong." " Belong!" "Said many of the wives sitting in the back." "Yeah, not... they're not where they belong." "And you will find out, when you ask very nicely," ""Dear..." you have to." ""Dear, have you seen my..."" "And then, as you stay married longer, they..." "They get to sound like judge Judy." ""I'm talking now." "I put it where it belongs."" "And then you're scared." "You say..." "You're scared to say, "Well, where is that?"" "All you husbands know this." "People will say, "Is your wife your friend?"" "You say, "My best friend."" ""My best friend."" "Because they better say it." "I-I know that's not a good understanding of a friendship, that you better say it, but that's the way it is with your wife." "Because she's not your friend, so you better say she's your friend." "No, she's not your friend." "That's your wife." "Way above a friend." "See, this was your friend, and you wanted to die with somebody." "Here she is." "You see?" "So now, this is your wife." "So you could get a friend just being a regular, you know, nice person or something." "But a wife is special." "But they want you to say," ""She's my friend."" "But she's not your friend." "No, no, no, no, no." "Let me give you an example." "I fly into Massachusetts." "Get in my car." "2:30 in the morning." "I'm driving, hour, 15-minute drive, going home." "All of a sudden, I smell a wire burning." "15 minutes out, wire burning, smell smoke, the lights are dimming." "All of a sudden, the car..." "vroo..." "And I negotiate over," "I put it in park, turn off the key." "I go around, I lift the hood." "This ends my knowledge of how to fix the car." "I come back round, and I... 2:45 A.M..." "I dial my friend." "His name is Ed." "He's around my age." "So I said..." "phone's ringing..." "You know." "So Ed..." "he picks up the phone." "Now, he's asleep." "2:45." "He says..." "you know, he tried to talk." "I said, "Ed."" "He said, "Cos."" "That's my friend!" "Ed!" "That's my friend Ed!" "All I said was "Ed." He said, "Cos."" "He said, "Are you all right?"" "My friend Ed wanted to know..." "He was asleep, and all I said was "Ed."" ""Cos, are you all right?"" "I said, "Ed, I'm fine." ""I'm driving my car, Ed." "I'm I-91 North." ""I'm an hour out from my house." ""I smell wire burning." ""There's smoke, engine lights go out, Ed," ""and, Ed, my car is gone." ""It's just stopped, and I'm wondering, Ed, if you'll come and get me."" "My friend Ed said," ""Cos..." ""Let me get dressed." "I'll be there."" "My friend..." " Ed." " No, say it!" "Ed!" "There you go." "My friend!" "Ed!" "Ednah, I didn't ask you to say it again." "When I do like that, that's when you say "Ed."" "My friend Ed is coming to get me." "He gave me a choice." "He said, "Cos, let me get dressed."" "I could've said," ""Don't get dressed, Ed." "Come and get me."" "My friend Ed is coming." "Now, let's..." "let's go to this other person." "I'm not naming any names." "Just going to another person." "What time is it?" "2:45." " 2:45 in the morning." "Dial the number." " She picked up the phone." " She said..." "I said, "Yes, my darling."" "She said, "Oh, Billy." I said, "Yes, dear."" "She said," ""Oh, how are you?" "What are you doing?"" "I said, "Dear, I'm about an hour out."" "She said, "Oh, wonderful." "You'll be home shortly."" "I said, "I don't think so."" "She said, "Oh, what's the matter?"" "I said, "Well, dear, I'm driving my car," ""and smoke starts coming, and the engine cut out, and I had to maneuver over..."" "And she said, "Bill."" "I said, "I-It just won't run, dear."" "She said, "Bill."" "I said, "Yes, dear?"" "She said, "How many times..." ""Have I told you... to get that car fixed?"" "I said, "Many times."" "She said, "No, Bill." "How many times?"" "I said, "Over a hundred."" "She said, "So why are you calling me?"" "I said, "Dear, I was hoping..."" "She said, "Well, you got that right."" ""I was hoping that you would come and get me."" "She said, "Bill..." ""Do you expect me to get out of this bed," ""drive an hour out to wherever you are, because you don't listen to me?"" "She said, "I'm gonna call the AAA." "When they bring you home, Bill, don't make a lot of noise."" "I said, "Dear, the reason why I make a lot of noise" ""is because you won't let me turn the lights on and you keep changing the furniture around."" "She said, "Well, you could fall quieter than that."" "Now, that's my wife." "My friend..." "Ed!" "Is coming to get me, because Ed is..." "A friend." "No, no." "He's single." "I'm telling you now..." "I'm not afraid to say it..." "I lost..." "My key that was given to me." "I lost my key to the house." "That was 48 years ago." "I don't have a key." "I don't know any codes." "Nothing." "I-I get off the plane, and... and someone who works for us will pick me up, bring me home." "That person has a key." "That's if my wife is not there." "And then that person will lock me in." "There are instructions written in the house what I cannot touch." "Because that's another thing when you get married." "You get up..." "you been sleeping..." "You get up, and she wakes up too." ""Where are you going?"" ""I'm just going downstairs."" ""No, you stay up here." "You stay here with me."" ""Why?"" ""Because you're just gonna be walking all around."" ""And what's wrong with that?"" ""I don't want you touching anything!" "You don't know how to lock up."" ""What do you mean?"" "They don't trust you." "So she had to go visit her mother, and she... she left." "I waited and waited until she was gone long enough, you know, to be at her mother's house, and then I-I got up, and I went to bed." "She won't let me go to sleep early, but if she's not there, she can't see where I am." "So I put the pajamas on." "I got in the bed." "So the phone rang, and I got out on my side and walked over to her side, where the phone is." "I don't have a phone on my side because my phone wakes her up." "So..." "You thought it was only happening to you, didn't you?" "So I said, "Hello."" "It's a woman." "So she says," ""I represent the so-and-so security company."" "She says, "Who am I talking to?"" "I said, "Well, I'm half-owner of... of the house."" "So she says..." "she says," ""Well, do you know" ""that there's an alarm going off... going off?"" "I said, "I don't hear anything."" "She said, "Well, it's going..." "it's going..." ""It's showing up that there's a malfunction in the front door of the building."" "So I said, "Okay." "Well, just a minute."" "I put the phone down, I went to the front door, and there's bolts and keys." "So you unbolt and turn the key, open, slam it, bolt, turn it." "Unbolt, unlock, open, slam it, jiggle it, bang it, bolt it back." "Turn the key." "I went back up." "I said, "How's it look?"" "She said, "It still shows there's a malfunction."" "She says, "And who..." "what is your name?"" "I said, "Cosby."" "She said, "What is your code name?"" "I said, "I don't have a code name."" "She said, "Yes, you do."" "I said, "Ma'am, I have to tell you..." ""I don't drink, and I don't do drugs or anything." ""I know for sure I don't have a code name." ""I just have my regular name, which my mother gave me, and my wife even calls me by that name."" "She said, "Well, sir, I'm gonna have to call the police, because you don't know your code..."" "I said, "Ma'am, they're not gonna do anything because I have a code face."" "I said, "Just one second, please."" "So I put her on hold, and it's blinking, and I punch down another line, and I dial my mother-in-law's house." "The phone is ringing, and my wife picked up." "She said, "Hello."" "I said, "Oh, I'm so happy to reach you."" "She said, "Hi, honey." "How are you?"" ""I'm home." She said, "I'm at mom's."" "I said, "Yeah." "Just a minute, dear."" "She said, "What's the matter?" "What's the matter?"" "I said, "There's nothing wrong, but the lady from the security company..."" "She said, "What did you do?"" "I said, "I didn't do anything, dear." "Just one second."" "So, uh..." "Conference." "So I punch down the conference, and I punch down my wife." "I said, "Hello?" My wife said, "Hello?"" "And the woman said, "Hello!"" "I said, "All right!"" "So I said, "Ma'am?" The lady said, "Yes."" "I said, "This is my wife."" "So the woman said, "Yes, how are you?"" "My wife says, "I'm fine."" "So my wife says, "What is the problem?"" "So the woman said, "Well, there's a malfunction" ""on the front door of the building that this gentleman is in."" "So my wife said, "Did you touch that front door?"" "I said, "No, I didn't."" "The woman said, "Yes, he did."" "I said, "Now, look, lady." "You gotta..." ""You know, there is a timeline here." ""I touched the door after you told me there was something wrong."" "She said, "Oh, yeah." "Okay."" "So the woman said, "And what is your name, ma'am?"" "She said, "Mrs. Cosby."" "And the woman said, "That is correct."" "She said..." "She said, "And what is your code name?"" "My wife said, "Pearl."" "She said, "That's correct."" "She said, "And I just want to tell you, Mrs. Cosby," ""how wonderful it is to speak to someone who has a code name" ""that makes some sense and not a bunch of pervert things going out that you have to hear and say."" "My wife said, "Thank you, but you know," ""I was in the andes, and we were all around," ""and I saw the pearls and the people, and I said, 'oh, my God, I've got the name.'"" "and the woman said, "Oh, yes, I plan to go there," ""and we're going to do all of this and that, and they're the same colors, and so you don't mind if I..."" ""Oh, yes, it's a wonderful place, and you should see the thing..."" "She said, "By the way, your..." "this man is your husband?"" "My wife said, "Yes."" "She said, "He doesn't... he says he doesn't have a code name."" "So my wife said, "Yes, he does."" "I said, "No, I don't."" "My wife said, "You do have a code name."" "She said, "And I told you your code name."" "I said, "You never told me anything." "You never said..."" "She said, "I told you your code name twice," ""as a matter of fact, and then I told you to write it down."" "I said, "Well, I don't know anything about a code name."" "So the woman said, "And what is his code name?"" "My wife said, "Bill."" "I was going to have this woman reported, because..." "No, you can't do that." "But I didn't report her because I didn't know how to spell..." "See, that's the sound she made to keep from laughing." "My wife said, "Bill," and this woman went..." "And then she said to my wife," ""Mrs. Cosby, please don't be dismayed." "I have one of these at home too."" "So I said, "Well..." ""If you told me twice my code name," ""and if... and I'm talking to both of you..." ""If you told me to write it down, why is it I don't remember what you said?"" "And both of them said simultaneously," ""Because you don't..."" "Listen." "No, no, I'm not talking to you." "You weren't there." "So we went to this one restaurant in New York City, and he has a bakery next door... next door." "So it's like the bakery, and then you go in, and there's curtain, curtain, and a door to the bakery." "And then there's a curtain, and then there's a door and a curtain to the restaurant." "So when we got out of the car, I'm walking, and we get out far enough back that I could see the cookies." "And I noticed that they had chocolate chip cookies this size." "Bigger than famous amos, smaller than Mrs. fields." "So listen, this is where you can put two in." "So the bad boys up here, they're... "Oh, man, we gonna party!"" ""Yeah, but how do we get there?" "How do we get there?"" ""Don't worry, he'll figure it out." "He's smart." You know." "So we go... she did not look like she saw it." "And we went in and so..." ""Oh, Mr. and Mrs. Cosby." "How do you do?" "Sit there,"" "and people sitting." "And I'm..." "so he pulls..." "So my back is to the door, and she's there." "Fella says, "And there's the menu for you, and will your husband be having a menu?"" ""No, I'll select something for him."" "She says, "Oh, I see you have the poached breast of chicken foot."" "And she started laughing." ""Ha, ha, ha, ha." "I got you." "I got you."" ""No, you scared me."" "So she ordered something for me that was poached, uh..." "With nothing, you know?" "Just... you will taste the flavor of how it died." "So..." "She ordered some kind of salmon from rangoon, which has been buried for 12 years and then was wrapped in fig leaves from a village where only virgins..." "Male... male virgins..." "Come and sing to the trees and the leaves." "It was wonderful." "She just swooned, listening..." ""I don't know how chef thinks of these things."" "And so she ordered that with, uh, with prunes." "No, it wasn't "ew." She... she's... prunes." "And they bring a small tree, and you pick your own prunes." "Put 'em on your plate." "So I said to her..." "Now, this is the part of marriage where you..." "I mean, you're both good." "You both know each other very well." ""Soon I will get you, lady Cosby." ""I bleed not." ""This is but a scar." "Aah!"" "I said to her," ""If you will excuse me, I will go to the bathroom."" "She said, "All right."" "So I got up, and I went..." "The lady at the desk..." ""May I help you, Mr. Cosby?"" ""Uh, no, I'm going straight ahead."" "Door, curtain, bakery." "So there's a-a couple and a little child." "I go up, and I'm in..." "you know, in a hurry." "So there's a lady waiting on them." "So there's another lady that didn't look like she was doing anything." "You know, New York City." "And, uh, I said, "Pardon me."" "She said, "I'm very busy right now."" "I said, "Oh, yes, ma'am, but I just need t-two things, please, if you don't..."" ""Oh, hello, what do you need?" "What do you need?"" "I said, "Just give me two chocolate chip cookies, please."" ""Well, you just can't have two." "You have to buy a dozen."" ""Well, good, I will buy a dozen," ""but give me two now, please." "Just give me two."" ""First, I have to put the gloves on."" ""All right, put on one glove." "Give me two cookies." ""Please, hurry, 'cause I have to get out of here." "So give me..."" "What!" "I put 'em in..." "Chew the thing, and now she's putting 'em..." "I said, "Here, keep the change." "It's all right." "Don't worry."" ""No, you will get the change." "You got to..."" "I said, "I don't have time!" "I'm sorry."" "And I went through a bunch of curtains, then the door." "Stood there with the curtain blocking." "She's sitting there." "I sit down." "She draws the sword." ""Where did you go?"" ""I told you..." "Where I went."" "She said, "I know..." ""What you told me..." "But that's not what I asked you."" "I said, "I went..." "To the bathroom."" "She said, "No, you didn't."" "She said, "You went..." ""That way." "The bathroom is that way."" "I said, "Yes." ""This is true." ""But..." ""The bathroom for the regular people..." ""is there." ""For the stars..." ""It's that way." "Ha!"" "She said," ""You went into that bakery..." ""and you ate a chocolate chip cookie!"" "And I said, "Ha, ha, ha!" ""That's where you are wrong!" ""I did not have..." ""A..." "Chocolate chip cookie!"" "She said, "You did."" "She said, "Let me smell your breath."" "I said, "You'll smell nothing." ""You think I'm one of your children." ""Going around smelling people!" "Apologize!"" "The woman from the bakery..." "It was not a pretty scene." "The woman from the bakery came with the bag with the ten chocolate chip cookies." "It was piling on like I've never seen before." ""Mr. Cosby!" "What is wrong with you?" ""You forgot your ten other cookies, and you ate the other two so fast in there."" "I said, "I don't know you, lady."" "She said," ""And here's your change."" "And then my wife stuck her sword through my neck." "Oh, you liked that part, didn't you?" "And said, "Chew on that."" "Yes, but getting back..." "And then, the other dream:" "the children." "These children..." "we will have these children, and they will go on." "We will give them love, and they will go on." "We will give them care and go on in health and go on, and these are our children, and they will love us and everything." "And I'm..." "I'm driving them." "There's three of them." "It's my turn to drive 'em to school." "Block and a half from school..." ""Dad, dad, wait, wait, stop." "Stop the car."" ""What's the matter?"" ""Can... can you let us out here?"" ""No, your mother said to take you straight to the front of the school."" ""No, no, dad." "No, she didn't mean that." "She means to let..."" ""No, don't tell me what she means." ""I know what your mother said." ""Your mother said drop you off in front of the..." ""I don't know what you guys are trying to pull, but you're getting off in front of the school."" ""Dad, please." "Please, don't do that." "Please, don't... dad, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't."" ""Okay, 'don't, don't, don't, don't, don't.'" "What is the problem?"" ""Dad, there's no problem." "We just want to walk from here to the school."" ""But your mother said to drop you..."" ""Dad, please, if you let us off here, we will never say anything."" ""Oh, don't lie to me about that." "Now, you're gonna tell me what the problem is."" "So I turned around, and I looked at 'em." "And when you're an experienced parent, you pick out the weak one." ""Judas..." ""Come on, talk to me." "Talk to me." ""Come on, you can." "You can." "Say it." "Don't be afraid of the others."" "So finally, the old one said," ""The reason why we want to walk" ""is because our friends make fun of us."" ""About what?"" ""Um, they say that, um, we think we're rich."" ""Why didn't you tell me that?" ""Why didn't you say that?" ""I can clear it up for you right away." ""Listen, your mother and I are rich." ""You guys have nothing." ""I mean, think about it." ""Every time you want something, you ask us, don't you?" ""That means you have nothing." ""Defend yourself!" ""People say, 'oh, you guys think you're rich.'" ""You say, 'no, we don't!" ""'That's my father's car." ""It's my mother's house." ""We have nothing!" "'" ""Say that to them." ""And I'll prove it." "Just..." "I'll prove it." ""The state is making us do these things." ""If we don't do it, we go to jail." ""Another thing, you have no money." ""You're homeless also." ""Your name's not on the mortgage or anything." "Tell your friends that." "Defend yourself!"" ""Well, we just wanna get out of here, and we just wanna walk, and..."" ""Besides, they're not your friends," ""'cause if they were your friends," ""they would like you for who you are, period, regardless."" ""Well..."" ""Evin," I say, "Look, okay?" "I've had enough of this."" "Made a u-turn." "I went all the way back about 1/2 mile." "Made another u-turn." "I said, "Get out."" ""Get out?" "But... get out?"" ""Yes, get out."" ""But, dad, this is a long..."" ""Yes!" ""Think of how your friends will love you even more." ""Come on." "You..." "You can do it." "You can do it." "Get out."" ""But, dad, we don't wanna get out."" ""No, no, you're gonna prove this to your friends."" "I close the door, and I made a u-turn, going home." "I'm driving." "I look through the rearview." "They're fighting mad with each other, man." "Not throwing any punches, but it's getting close." "So I make another u-turn, and I come back." ""What's the problem?"" ""We don't..." "we don't wanna walk."" ""Okay, get in the car."" "I drive all the way up to the front of the school." "In front of us..." "I told 'em." "I said, "Look at that." ""Your friends talking about being rich." ""They just drove up here in a $300,000 bus." "Go ahead."" "So they got out." "They're walking, and then they go on the grass, and they're meeting with their friends outside, and all of a sudden, I put it in park, opened the door, and I walked over to 'em." "And I looked at 'em, with their friends around them, and I said," ""Kiss me."" "It was wonderful." "I remember my wife..." "Our first one was ten years old..." "And I think my wife had some dreams of this first-born being a friend and the two of them growing together." ""Which one is the mother?"" "Not once she turned ten." "My wife called me." ""Bill!" "May I see you?"" "And I have this habit..." "If I can't see her, I don't answer." "Then I heard her coming, and I answered," ""Yes, dear?"" "She said, "Come with me, please."" "And she took me up to the daughter's bedroom." "The daughter's standing there..." "Letting us know she can't stand us." "I stopped at the doorway." "My wife came over here." "My wife addressed me." ""Have you ever seen such filth in all your life?"" "I said, "No, I haven't, your honor."" "My wife said," ""Go to your bathroom," ""pick up the bathroom scale... yours." ""It's on the floor." ""With two hands." ""Bring it in here." "Set it down face up."" "Daughter came back with it." "My wife said, "Now, bring that sock over here." ""Put it on the scale." "How much does it weigh?"" ""The needle hardly moved."" ""Then why can't you pick it up?"" "Then the daughter said, "I didn't ask to be born!"" "And I just got so mad." "I thought of three things to say, but none of them would allow me entry into heaven." "And my wife, in..." "Time, said something that made me jealous of her intelligence and quickness, 'cause the daughter said," ""I didn't ask to be born!"" "And my wife said," ""And you're not what we asked for."" "Thank you, ladies and gentlemen."