"...winds, delivers, and it's a long fly ball..." "Arnold!" "Arnold!" "Arnold!" "Arnold!" "Arnold." "Arnold, lunch is on the table." "Arnold!" "Where is that kid?" " Ah!" " Ah!" "Oh, Arnold, what are you doing in...?" "I think my biggest problem is being young and beautiful." "It's my biggest problem 'cause I've never been young and beautiful." "Oh, I've been beautiful." "God knows I've been young." "But never the twain have met." "Not so's anyone would notice anyway." "You know, a shrink acquaintance of mine, believes this to be the root of my attraction to a class of men most subtly described as old and ugly." "I think he's underestimating my wheedles." "See, a ugly person who goes after a pretty person gets nothing but trouble." "But a pretty person who goes after a ugly person gets at least cab fare." "Now I ain't saying I never fell for a pretty face." "But when les jeux sont faits... give me a toad with a pot of gold and I'll give you three meals a day." "'Cause honeys, ain't no such thing as a toad when the lights go down." "It's either feast or famine." "It's the daylight you got to watch out for." "Well, face it." "A thing of beauty is a joy till sunrise." "Mmm, mmm." "There's another group you got to watch your food stamps around... the hopeless." "They break down into three major categories... married, just in for the weekend, terminally straight." "Those affairs are the worst." "You go into them with your eyes open, knowing all the limitations, accepting them maturely." "Then wham bam you're writing letters to Dear Abby and you're burning black candles at midnight." "And you ask yourself, "What happened?"" "I'm gonna tell you what happened... you got just what you wanted." "The person who thinks they's mature enough to handle an affair that's hopeless from the beginning is the very same person that keeps the publishers of Gothic romances up to their tragic endings in mink." "What do you think?" "Gorgeous, huh?" "Give me a break, it's still under construction." "For those of youse what ain't yet guessed," "I am an entertainer." "Or what's left of one." "I go by the name Virginia Hamn." "Ain't that a kick in the rubber parts?" "You should hear some of my former handles:" "Anita Mann," "Fonda Boys..." "Claire Voyant," "Fay Ways," "Bang-Bang Ladesh." "Yeah, I'm among the last of a dying breed." "Well, once the E.R.A. And Gay Civil Rights bills have been passed, me and mine will find ourselves swept under the carpets, like the blacks done to Amos, Andy, and Aunt Jemima." "But that's all right." "Hey, with a voice and a face like this" "I got nothing to worry about." "I can always drive a cab." "You know, there are easier things in this life than being a drag queen." "But I ain't got no choice." "See, um... try as I may," "I just can't walk in flats." "You know, there was one guy once, his name was Charlie." "Oh, he was everything you could want in an affair and more." "Ooh, he was tall, handsome, rich, deaf... the deafness was the more." "Well, he ain't never yelled at me." "Never complained if I snored." "All his friends was nice and quiet." "I even learned me some of that deaf sign language." "Oh, I remember some." "It's "cockroach."" "It means "fuck."" "Oh, this here's my favorite." "It means "I love you."" "And I did, too." "But um... not enough." "You know, in my life I've slept with more men than are named under or numbered in the Bible..." "Old and New Testaments put together." "But not once has someone said," ""Arnold, I love you..."" "that I could believe." "And I ask myself," ""Do you really care?"" "You know, the only honest answer I could give myself is," ""Yes, I care."" "I care a great deal." "But... not enough." "* Who writes the words and music *" "* For all the girlie shows?" "*" "* No one cares and no one knows *" "* Who is the handsome hero *" "* Some villain always frames?" "*" "* Hey, who cares if there's a plot or not?" "*" "* When they got a lot of dames?" "*" "Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to our stage" "Bertha Venation!" " Yeah!" " * What do you go for?" "*" "* Go see the show for?" "*" "* Tell the truth, you go to see the beautiful dames *" "And now, the queen of delicatessen, Virginia Hamn!" "* You spend your dough for *" "* Bouquets that grow for *" "* All the cute and cunning, young and beautiful dames... *" "And now, senores and senoritas, please welcome Marina Del Rey." "* Dames are temporary flames to you *" "* Dames, you don't recall their names *" "* Do you?" "*" "And now, bigger than Broadway," "Marsha Dimes." "* But their caresses *" "* And home addresses *" "* Linger in your memory of those beautiful *" "* In your memory see those beautiful *" "* In your memory all those beautiful dames... *" "Ladies and gentleman, in order to be a real dame you've got to kneel before a queen." "* What do you go for?" "*" "* Go see a show for?" "*" "* Tell the truth, honey *" "* You know you go to see the beautiful dames, darling *" "* What else, honey?" "*" "Oh, Miss Dimes, you are flawless." "But ladies and gentlemen, wait till you see my act." "Bertha Venation and her dance of the virgin." "Which she does completely from memory." "Bitch." "* You spend your dough for *" "* Bouquets that grow for *" "* All those cute and cunning young and beautiful dames... *" "Kiss her quick, she's "Carmen."" " * Dames are temporary flames * - * Those gorgeous dames *" " * To you * - * Are temporary flames to you *" " * Dames, you don't recall their names * - * Ah, ah, ah, ahhh *" "* Do you?" "*" "* But their caresses *" "* And home addresses *" "* Linger in your memory of those beautiful *" "* In your memory of those beautiful *" "* In your memory of those beautiful dames *" "* Dames, dames, dames, dames *" "* Slender or burly *" "* Sweet, shy, and girlie *" "* There is nothing else divine and beautiful *" "* No sun can shine like beautiful *" "* Bring on that line of beautiful dames *" "* Dames *" "* Give me a line of beautiful *" " * D * - * A *" " * M * - * E *" "* Dames. *" "* I love that line of beautiful *" "* Daa-mes. *" " Roz, honey, you need a lift?" " Oh, that'd be great, thanks." " Hey, you going straight home?" " Yeah." "Let's get a beer." " So what's the dish?" " Men." "My life's work." "What's the gripe?" "I ain't got one." "Who'd want one?" "I've got three." "Sign me out." "Good night, ladies." " Night." " Night, dear." "I swear that queen gives me gas." "Come on, let's go to The Stud." "I could use a nightcap." "Yeah, and a quickie with some nameless stranger in the back room?" " Count me out." " It's very relaxing." "I know you'll find this hard to comprehend, but I want more out of life than meeting a pretty face and sitting down on it." "Graphically put." "Personally, I never enjoy sex with someone I know." " Our lady of high standards." " Cab!" " Night, girls." " Good night, Bertha." "* Aaa-hhh, hot pants *" "* Ha!" "*" "* That's where it's at *" "* That's where it's at *" "* Hot pants!" "Smokin' *" "* Hot pants!" "Smokin' *" "* Take your fine self home *" "* It looks much better than time *" "* My fever keeps growin' *" "* Girl, you're blowin' my mind *" "* Thinkin' of losin' that funky feelin', don't uh!" "*" "* 'Cause you got to use just what you got *" "* To get just what you want *" "* Hot pants!" "Smokin'... *" "* Hot pants!" "*" "* Smokin', Come on, sit with *" "* Hot pants make ya sure of yourself *" "* You walk just like you got the only lovin' left... *" "Oh my God." " Fucking faggots!" " Goddamn faggots!" " Get the fuck out of here!" " Get lost!" "Men!" "I'm tired and I want to go home." " One drink, one look." " I'm not going in that back room." "Oh, who asked you to?" "* Wake up, Maggie I think I got somethin' *" "* To say to you *" "* It's late September *" "* And I really should be back in school... *" "I think I feel the call of the wild." "Don't leave me out here." "Oh, Murray." "Murray!" " Murray!" " Hey, bartender." "* Oh, Maggie, I couldn't have tried *" "* Any more *" "* You lured me away from home *" "* Just to save you from being alone *" " Thank you." " * You stole my heart *" "* And that's what really hurt... *" "Oh God!" "I'm sorry." "Are you okay?" "No permanent damage, I hope." " To your foot, I mean." " No, it's fine." "Good." "Excuse me, do you have a li... great." "Look, um..." "name's Ed Reese." "My friends call me Ed." "I'm a Sagittarius." "What's so funny?" "No, I mean, some people like to know that stuff." "I don't believe any of it, myself." "You have a great smile." "What's your name?" " Arnold." " Arnold." "What do your friends call you, Arnie or Arn?" " Arnold." " Arnold, yeah." "Well, nice to meet you, Arnold." " Can I buy you a drink?" " I just..." "Oh." " So what are you, Italian?" " No, uh..." " Spanish?" " Jewish." "Oh, Jeez." "I mean, I never would have guessed." "Well, I mean, not with those dark romantic eyes." "You're wearing makeup?" " No." " No, I mean, I didn't think so." "You, um..." "you're here alone?" "No, I'm with a friend." "He's in the back." "Oh." " Is he your... your...?" " Oh, no, no, no." "Just a friend." " Just a friend." " Oh." "Oh." "Lucky for me." "You know, I've got a car." "Hey, if you're going to laugh at everything I say, we're never gonna get to bed." "You really do have beautiful eyes." "And you've got some routine." "Anyone ever tell you you've got a very sexy voice?" "No, really, you do." "Is that natural, or do you have a cold?" "*..." "Leave me there *" "* Faint as the will o' the wisp *" "* Crazy as a loon... *" "I'd've asked you back to my place, but I have this straight roommate and he's not all that comfortable with gays." "So where does that leave you?" "Oh, well, I date women too." "I teach in Brooklyn." "I keep an apartment in the city, but I really live upstate." "I've got a farm where I spend weekends, summers." "I grow all my own vegetables." "You'd love the house." "It's a classic American salt-box, lots of wood detail, Franklin stove..." "I'm restoring it myself." "Sounds beautiful." "So what do you do?" "I'm a female impersonator." "No, I meant for a living." "I'm a female impersonator." "Does that bother you?" "Not yet." "Oh, wait, I'll get a light." "No, just... you're shaking." "Am I?" "Sorry." "Better?" "Mm-hmm." "We're having an intimate little dinner at my place." "He's bringing the wine." "Why didn't you tell me you were going out for love?" "I'd've come." "Which reminds me, I better steal a couple of steaks from our kitchen." "Who had time to shop?" "Have you registered a pattern at Tiffany's?" "Bertha Venation!" "I wonder which apartment we'll keep?" "We hardly need two with all the time we'll be spending up at the farm." "The farm?" "Well, you can't bring up children in the city." "...Queen of the delicatessen, Virginia Hamn!" "Oh." "Happy two week anniversary." "Oh, Ed, you remembered." "Ah." "* You must remember this *" "* A kiss is still a kiss *" "* A sigh is just a sigh... *" "Thanks, Roz." "You oughta slap that girl's face, stealing your material like that." " You're the torch singer in the show." " Who cares?" "These days I ain't singing anything bluer than "Zip-a-dee-doo-dah."" " So when do I get to meet him?" " Soon." "Have you met any of his friends yet?" "Are they nice?" "We don't get out much, if you know what I mean." "Shut up!" "* No matter what the future... *" "* Wonderful *" "* Marvelous... *" "Come on." "Oh, watch your head on that." "And this first step is a little broken." "Um, we got to work on that." "* Is what I love to see *" " * You've made my life so glamorous *" " Morning." "* You can't blame me for feeling amorous *" "* Oh, it's wonderful *" " * It's marvelous... *" " All yours." "All right, all right." "* That you should care for me... *" "Ooh, ooh, ooh." "Ooh, ooh, ooh." "Whoosh." "Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooooh." "* It's wonderful *" "* It's marvelous *" "* That you should care, that you should care *" "* For me... *" "I'll drop you off at your place." "I'm seeing Tom and Janet for dinner." " You didn't tell me they called." " Yeah, oh, I forgot." "Anyway, I got to see them." "I've given them every excuse in the book." "And you're seeing Lisa and Michael tomorrow night, right?" "Yeah, they want me to play bridge." "We got a friend in from out of town." "I couldn't say no." "So how goes your friend from out of town?" " Arnold!" " I'm only joking." "So I guess I'm not going to see you again until the weekend." "My parents have the farm, I told you that." "So hide out at my place." "I've got to see my folks, Arnold." "Ed, why didn't you call first?" "I was worried." "Oh!" "Hi, Mom." "Happy birthday, shaina tatela." "Happy birthday, shaina punim." "I can only stay a minute, the girls are in the car." "Charlotte got tickets to some off-off Broadway theater." "It's experimental." "They keep their clothes on." "Your father will call after his Mason's meeting." "Your brother?" "He'll call when he calls." "I ask him a question, he yells, so I don't ask." " Are you redecorating?" " Yeah, it's easier than cleaning." "Oh, don't be so funny." "You don't get much light here." "Oh, I get what you call indirect semi-shade." " Yeah, it's good for the plants." " So is manure." "Don't shake, it's cookies." "Ooh, fancy, fancy." "New tablecloth?" " I made it myself." "Took a class." " I'm telling you." "Yeah, I'm going to make napkins to match." "You like it?" " Nice." " It's a pretty pattern, huh?" "Very nice." "Mama, the ladies." "What are you making, potato soup?" "Ma, don't, you're gonna burn yourself!" "Ah, but not like the potato soup I make for your father." "For him I boil a potato in water throw in a pinch of salt and pepper and that's potato soup." "You used to call it "Daddy's potato water," remember?" " Mom, don't." "What are you do..." " I'm coming already!" "Why don't you come with us?" "You'll leave a note on the door for your friend, and we'll come back here for cake." "Nah, you just go and have a good time, and give my love to the ladies." "Many happy returns, tatela." "Thanks, Ma." "While you're redecorating, how about this wallpaper?" "Yeah, I'll be right there." "* Now it seems this is how the story ends... *" "Yeah." "One minute." "Just a second." " Hi." " Oh, hi." "Was that you on the phone before?" "No, see, my phone was ringing and I dove for the phone and picked it up just in time to hear whoever it was hang up." "So I was going to call you back, but I figured why call when I could come over?" " So hi." " It wasn't me." "Oh." "Look, Arnold, this isn't really a great time for me to talk." "I guess I shouldn't count on that wine being my birthday surprise, huh?" " Your birthday." " You remembered." "Oh, God, Arnold, I'm sorry." "What's the difference?" "We're together now, right?" "Well..." "I've got somebody coming over for dinner." "That's all right, look, um..." "I just wanted to see you for a minute." " I understand." " What do you understand?" "!" "You know, you never give me a chance to make the first move." "Every time I'm about to call you, there you are calling me." "ESP maybe." "So who do you got coming over?" "Do I know him?" " No." " How do you know?" "Maybe I do." "I know lots of "hims." "Battle Hymn of the Republic," "Rock of Ages..."" "You're impossible, you know that?" "What's wrong with us, Ed?" "I could've sworn things were..." " Not now, Arnold." " Yes, now." "You can't expect me to sit around all the time waiting for you to call." "I never asked you to." "I told you to go out, have a good time," " meet other people." " I can't." "I'm not built that way." "Well, I'm not ready to make that kind of commitment." "I'm not asking you to." "But if I have to accept you going out, then you have to accept that I'm not." "You really are crazy." "I miss you." "I think about you all the time." "I'm so damn horny." "You've got no right to make me feel guilty." "I happen to be in love with you." "That must give me some kind of rights." "And if it don't give me the right to see you, at least I got the right to bitch about it." "Arnold." "Please." "Hello." "Hi, Laurel." "This is Arnold." "Oh, of course." "Ed's talked about you." "Glad to finally meet you." "Yeah, he's told me all about you too." "Look, I'm really sorry, I gotta run." "Allergies, I ought to have my head examined." "Well..." "Um, just a..." "Arnold?" "Arnold." "Arnold." "Now don't make believe I never told you about my relationships with women." "I thought you meant like sisters and aunts and nieces." " That's not funny." " I think it's hysterical." "And how long has this been going on?" "You are really dragging me over the coals." "Why should I be the only one around here with a barbecued ass?" "Arnold, now..." "Arnold." "Look, Arnold!" "Look, I am not like you." "Being gay is what you are." "It's what you like, it's what you're comfortable with." "I want more." "I can't be happy living" " in a ghetto of gay bars, restaurants..." " We've never done that!" "Arnold, I need to be proud of who I am." "How can sleeping with a woman make you proud of yourself if you know you'd rather be with a man?" "How are you ever going to get any respect from anyone if you're not gonna be yourself?" "There's no you to respect." "Yeah, and just where's your self-respect, huh?" " I don't see any here." " You want to see my self-respect?" "Here!" "Here's my self-respect." "* A lucky star's above *" "* But not for me... *" "Hi." "Can I buy you a drink?" "Oh, fuck off." "* I was a fool to fall *" "* And get that way... *" "Oh, I'm sorry." "Excuse me." "Pardon me." "Sorry." "Hi, my name's Arnold." "My fault, I'm sure." "Oh my God." "What am I gonna do... with the beer can?" "Well, at least I don't have to cook him breakfast." "And with all the promotions mine can't be far off." "Promotions are fine, but how about a nice girl?" "Ma, leave the boy alone." "He'll find one when he's ready." " They don't come along everyday." " You tell him." "You boys have to admit, I picked a beautiful girl to be your mother." "You tell him." "You want some rice pudding?" " No." " I made Jell-o," " but if you want a nice rice pudding..." " Nothing for me, Ma." " Piece of fruit?" "Piece of cake?" " I'm full." "So what's with you, Arnold?" "Not much." "I'm not seeing Ed anymore." " I meant work." " You call that work?" "Betty, the boy has to find himself." "So let him find himself." "I'm not saying anything." "You know what?" "I'd love a piece of cheesecake." "So go to Junior's." "I got blackout." "So... can you use a couple of bucks, Arnold?" " I'm fine, Dad." " No, take it." "A loan." "Just till you're on your feet." "I'm on my feet, Daddy." "Yeah, in six-inch heels." "Some big shot." "Excuse me." "They don't mean anything, you know?" "Then why embarrass me like that?" "I make more than Daddy does." "They have trouble understanding, that's all." "There isn't anything they wouldn't do for you." "Don't be mad at them." "I'm not mad, I'm jealous." "You realize, in all the years that they've been married the only time they were ever separated was when Ma went into the hospital for that operation?" "And what did Daddy do?" "He slept on a chair in the living room." "He wouldn't even get into bed without her." "And the way they always made us feel... like we were the two most important, smartest, most talented, handsomest... and it kills me to think that they look at me and wonder what they did wrong." "All I know is, that in all my born days... and there've been plenty..." "I never met a real bisexual." "Oh, please." "Not in front of you-know-who." "It's all right, I'm not listening." "Just once, I'd like to see a bisexual who lived with his boyfriend, and then snuck out to see his girlfriend on the sly." " It's open." " Come in." "Is Arnold Beckoff..." "You wanna give him room?" "Para eso estan los hoteles para que cada..." "Right, uh-huh, right." "Come on." "Bet you never thought you'd see me again, huh?" "Hi." "You look terrific." "Really." "You've lost a little weight, I see..." "I'm sorry." "I guess you're still pretty angry, huh?" "No, I'm not still angry." "This here is brand new." "What are you doing here?" "Just wanted to talk." "Look, five months ago you checked out on me, and the one nice thing I could say about you was that when you left, you left." "No matter what I thought of your reasons, your lack of them..." "I told you that I wanted us to be friends." "You mean a lot to me." "Don't get cute with me, huh?" "Maybe I shouldn't have come, but I mean, as long as the harm's done, can't I just talk to you for a while?" "I mean, you know, just until you're finished." "It's important to me." "So sit down." "So how's your sex life?" "It's great." "As good as with me?" "Arnold, I'm not so sure that the sex we had was always as good for me as it was for you." "Sometimes it got a little wild, a little too out of control." "And that's bad?" "Well, it's not what I want." "That's funny." "That's what I pray for." "I thought..." "I thought about you a lot this summer." "A couple of times I almost called you." "I even picked up the phone once." "Yeah, so what happened?" "I couldn't." "I love her, Arnold." "Oh, I had a dream last night that I wanted to tell you about." "I mean, you like that sort of stuff." "Anyway, I was..." "I dreamt I was at my parents' house, and, okay, I got a rag, and I soaked it in turpentine, put it inside a plastic bag and put the bag over my head." "Anyway the phone woke me in the morning." "It was Laurel, and I couldn't understand what she was saying." "You know, half of me is trying to listen to her, the other half is trying to figure out this dream." "I felt dizzy, so I went back to bed." "And there on the pillow... is, you know, the plastic bag with the turpentine soaked rag." "I couldn't tell any..." "you know, anybody about it." "I'm a little scared." "So what, do you got your car with you?" "Yeah, do you want me to drive you home?" "Um... why don't you get the car, and I'll meet you out front." "So what now, huh?" "Look, if I take him back now, knowing all I do, maybe I can make it work... with a little understanding." "Maybe a shrink." "I could just let him drive me home." "And then I could say something like," ""The next time you feel you have to say" "'I love you' to someone, say it to yourself and see if you believe it."" "That'd go over his head." "I think it went over mine." "I could just sneak out the back and leave him waiting out in the cold." "See, 'cause if I start in again, who's to say he's not going to keep this shit up, right?" "I don't know... maybe it's what I want." "Maybe he's treating me just the way I want him to." "I mean, what if it's me using him to give me that... tragic torch singer status I admire so in others?" "Wouldn't that be a kick in the rubber parts?" "I love him." "What are you gonna do?" "But do I love him enough?" "What is enough?" "This is enough." "Enough." " * D * - * A *" " * M * - * E *" "* Dame... *" "* I love her like a beautiful *" "* Dame. *" "Whooo!" "Oh, weren't they wonderful, boys and girls?" "Especially the boys." "Ooohhh!" "Oh, oh, oh." "The last time I saw a basket like that, it was around Red Riding Hood's arm." "One more time." "I'll see you around and I'll see you around." " I'll see you around..." " Hey, where's Betty?" " Betty?" " Yeah." "Darling, I don't do Bette without a cigarette." " Over here." " Oh." "You mean Betty..." "as Baby Jane Hudson?" "Blanche." "You didn't eat your din-din." "So someone else is going to eat your Christmas pudding'." " Who's gonna eat my Christmas balls?" " How rude." "You have a high voice for a lesbian." "Now ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to bring you a favorite of all us, as I present the supreme artiste of the song..." "Fuck the artistes, bring on the freaks." "Did your mother have any children that lived?" "Thank you, darling." "And now, ladies and gentlemen and nasty little boys..." "I want to present the Queen of the Torch Song, our very own Virginia Hamn." "* When the only sound on the empty street *" "* Is the heavy tread of the heavy feet *" "* That belonged to a lonesome cop *" "* I... *" "* Open shop *" "* When the moon so long *" "* Has been gazing down *" "* On the wayward ways of this wayward town *" "* That a smile becomes a smirk *" "* I... *" "Scary." "* Go to work *" "* Love for sale *" "* Appetizing young love for sale *" "* Love that's fresh and still unspoiled *" "* Love that's only slightly soiled *" "* Love for sale *" " * Tell me who... *" " Hey, baby, are these for real?" "Huh, baby?" " * Will buy?" "*" " Hey!" "* Who would like to sample my supply?" "*" "* Who's prepared to pay the price *" "* For a trip to Paradise?" "*" " * Love for sale... *" " Looks like a boiled ham to me." " * Let the poet's pipe of love *" " Baby, show us your dick!" "* lts childish ways... *" "Come on, pull it out!" "Whip it out there!" " * For every type of love *" " Come on, pull it out." "What's the matter?" "Ain't you got one, huh?" "Huh?" "Huh?" "Pull it out!" " *... that thrill of love *" " Whip it out!" "Hey, sit on this!" "Why don't you boys show some respect, huh?" "Or maybe you'd like me to carve a reminder on your pretty pink face." "Gregory, please." "I wasn't going to hurt him anyway." "Just wanted to teach him a manner or two." "You're all right, kid?" "Roz!" "Put it in my dressing room." "Peter, one, two." "* Love for sale *" " See, you're all right." " I'm all right." " Watch the door." " Okay, careful with him, he's a person." "I used to be a person." "All right, straight in the back." "It figures." " I can..." " Come on." "Come on." "God." " All right?" " Yeah." " Okay, you can dump him here." " All right." "God." "Here, thanks." "And close the door on your way out." "Sure." "If you have an IQ over 30 then there is no God." " Hi." " Hi." " Who are you?" " I got a better one for you..." " who are you?" " My name's Alan." "Arnold." "Do you remember anything at all about last night?" "Not too much." "I don't usually drink." "But you know how it is around the holidays." "So... you and I met where?" "Why don't you go sit down?" "I'll give you breakfast." "We met at the Club East 4th." "You seemed to be having a little trouble." "You were the waiter." "I were the entertainment." "Virginia Hamn." "Oh, you're kidding." "Anyway." "You're in Brooklyn." "The subway's up the block." "Turn right, three blocks." "And you don't have to worry about anything." "I was a perfect gentleman." "Thanks." "Shit, um..." "I have a photo shoot today and I'm late." "Um... hello?" "Listen, I've got to run, but I'll call you later, okay?" "Hello?" "* Once upon a time *" "* In olden days *" "* I spent my afternoons at Dejeuner *" "* Eating all day-jeuner *" "* I got so large, as large as a truck *" "* That my husband the buck *" "* Took off like a funk * Was there a doubt?" "* And left me all alone, what bad luck *" "* My life su..." "sunk *" "* In a funk... *" "Boys." "* I tried diets and drills *" "* And I swallowed some pills *" "* That made me a maniac *" "* I had grapefruit and brown rice and soybeans to boil *" "* I ate seaweed and parsley and peanuts, no oil *" "* I exercised my flabby thighs *" "* And wrapped them in foil *" "* I lost some weight *" "* But every single bloody time *" "* The poundage returned to the scene of the crime *" "* And then I took it all off *" "* As easily as when you have a cold *" "* You cough *" "* Where did I begin?" "*" "* How did I attain the gorgeous shape *" "* That I'm in?" "*" "* I puke *" "* So discreetly I don't make a sound *" "* I puke *" "* After dinner I'm never around *" "* It doesn't reek of politesse *" "* It's not the nicest thing I guess *" "* But it tightens my belt *" "* And it makes me feel svelte... *" "Exactly what I need in my life." "Hi, you saw me in the audience, right?" "Every queen from here to Harlem saw you in the audience." "You were terrific." " A little weird, but different." " Thanks." "Hello, I'm another person in the world." "Hi." "You know, I hope you don't mind me saying so, but I think that I prefer you in men's clothes." " Ooh, child." " Thanks for dropping by." "Oh, I brought you something." "I couldn't help but notice that you liked them." "That was really sweet, thanks." "Look, can I take you to dinner?" "Sort of make up for last night?" "Pretty child, you got my vote." " Oh..." " Uh, thanks." "Maybe another time, huh?" "We really got to run." "You know, it's Christmas... and I never did finish my Christmas shopping." "There's an all-night sale at the market." "Thanks, though." " What is wrong with you?" " What is wrong with you?" "You chickenshit!" "I came to New York to be gay." "I don't have to tell you the kind of reception a 15-year-old barefoot boy with cheek of tan gets in the Big Apple." "All any guy I met cared about was my price tag for the evening." "And I figured I needed the affection more than they needed the money." "So I took it." "I'm 21, successful... and still every guy I meet takes one look at me and all he wants is sex." "Yeah, well, every guy I meet takes one look at me and all he wants is conversation." "I wouldn't say all." " Morning." " Morning." "Well, what do you think?" "Kate Smith, right?" " Judy Canova." " I don't do her." "Then put the dress back." " Gentlemen, please..." " Don't lose your beads, honey." " We got cash." " Yes." "What do you think?" "Fabulous for canasta." "Wouldn't you gentlemen feel a lot more comfortable in another kind of store?" "Worry not, my dear." "We're simply slumming till Halston opens." " I'm going to try this one on." " No, no, no." "Sir!" "Don't look now, but pretty boy has tracked you down again." "Oh my God." "Will you stop?" " Will you stop?" " 'Tis love, 'tis love." "Him looking at you like a three-year-old at his first ice-cream cake." "And you runnin' from him for your life." "Now, honey, my calculus may not be up to snuff, but I can still put two and two together, and what I get is love." " May I help you, sir?" " No, thanks." " Sir?" "Sir?" " Do you have these in a 16?" " Arnold?" " Yes?" "Sorry." " Arnold?" " Oh my God." "I love the way this drapes on you." "Arnold, I can't think about anybody else but you." "I don't want to see anybody else but you," "I don't even want to talk to anybody else but you." "So you gonna come out of there?" "You want me to break the door down?" " I'm calling the police." " Oh, nonsense." "Let me see that..." "in his size." "There are a couple of things we better get straight first." "A, I want children." "B, if anyone asks," "I'm the pretty one." "Alan, where the hell are you?" "I had to make a call." "Okay, I'm listening." " All right, number three here." " Oh, wait." "Wait." "All right, let's go." "Come on." "Employment husband, employment wife." "I knew one day we'd have to decide." "Actually, if we could figure that out we could have our own kids, and we wouldn't have to adopt one." "What should I put down for age?" "Write 54, let them break it up." " What age child?" " Oh." "Old enough to dust, that's all I care." "You're listening to the station that's dedicated to the one you love." " Oh, wait, wait." " So listen up friends, here comes the kind of stuff you really like." "A three-year anniversary." "A special song for a special couple." ""For Arnold, with all the love in my soul, from Ellen."" " Alan, asshole." "Alan." " Was that you?" "For God's sake, don't cry." "Hello, homewrecker." "Oh, hi, Ma." "Mama, what's wrong?" "Arnold, tatela, I'm sorry." "It's your father." "I'll be right there, Mama." "Amen." "Amen." "Thank you so much, rabbi." "That was beautiful." "Thank you all for coming." "We'll see you back at the house." "Thanks so much for coming so far." "And thank you, you got off from school today, didn't you?" "Thank you for coming on such an awful day." "This is where I'll be... between your father and your grandfather." "And Phil, over here's for you and your wife and your children." "And tatela, over here's for you and your wife and your children." " Oh, Ma." " You might meet a nice girl someday." " You never know." " Believe me, Ma, I know." "God doesn't know." "My son knows." "Why are the mirrors covered?" "So we don't see the pain in our faces." "And why are you sitting on boxes?" "To make sure there's pain in our faces." "You told me he was Jewish." "Out-of-town Jewish." "So Mama, what are you going to do?" "Are you gonna keep the house?" "I'll teach out the term, put the house up for sale... and go live in Florida." "What are you talking, Florida?" "Phil and I are here." "That's what we do." "We go to Florida." "When my father died, my mother went to Florida." "And her mother before that." "That's what we do, we go to Florida." "I don't care what "we" do, what do you want to do?" "I want to die." "Till then, I go to Florida." "Hello." "Oh, I woke you." "Good guess." " Is this Arnold?" " That's what they tell me." " Who is that?" " I don't know." "Come on, speak up." "I'm a drag queen, not a mind reader." "Well, I don't know if you'd remember me." "We have a mutual friend, Ed Reese." "We met at his place once." "My name's Laurel." "Ed and I live together, we're lovers." "Anyway, we got to talking and thought it'd be nice to have you up to visit for a few days." " Hello, are you with me?" " I'm way ahead of you." "Sorry, I ain't into none of that kinky stuff." "Ed said you were funny." "Yeah, right." "Tell me, whose idea was this?" "We both would like you to come." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "Whose idea was it?" "What's the difference?" "The point is" "I know how much Ed values your friendship and that the two of you don't get to see each other anymore." "Look, I don't think this is such a good idea." " But thanks for the invite." " I want to go." "What, are you out of your mind?" " We're going." " We are not." "Shut up, we're going." "Isn't this civilized?" "Guests up to our country home for the weekend." "We've had guests before." "You can hardly compare this to having your sister and her kids or your parents up." "Imagine, hostess to your lover's ex and his new boyfriend." "Now if that isn't civilized, I don't know what is." " It's downright Noel Coward." " Would you stop?" " Is this it?" " Hi." "Glad you made it." "How you doing?" "Look at this." "Wow." " Look at you." " Hi." "You look great." " There's Laurel." " Hi, Laurel." " Can I get that for you?" "You're Alan." " Arnold, hi." "Oh, thanks." "Okay, this is Laurel." "Come on, let's go on inside." "At least the door's on hinges." "Last time I was here it wasn't." "So Arnold..." "Ed tells me you're a transsexual?" "Transvestite." " I'm sorry." " That's all right." "Look, actually I'm just a drag queen." "Did I tell you I'm teaching my classes computers?" " It's an experimental program." " Really?" "He's even tried teaching me a thing or two." "But I'm baffled." "You know, hardware, software." "I can never remember which is which." "Well, that's easy." "Just remember that computers are the opposite of people." "With computers, the software goes into the hardware," " and with people..." " My, my, my." "All this good food has just done me in." "Let's say we hit the hay?" "Eh?" "Did you see how he fawned over Alan at dinner?" "He practically cut his steak for him." "No more than I fawned over you." " I did cut your steak." " I could have killed you for that." "The two of you were lovers." "Little games and jealousies are going to pop up." ""Oh, I'm so tired." "All that good food has just done me in."" "If I had someone as pretty as that to go to bed with," "I wouldn't've stayed up late, either." " You think he's pretty?" " Uh-huh." "Don't you think he's a little young?" "Huh-uh." "You hear the way their bed springs were squeaking?" "I think... that I do pretty well in the squeaking department." "Oh, you do, huh?" "Yeah, making certain allowances for wear and tear." "No, no, no." "Too early in the race to make a plea for sympathy." "Oh, you want to race?" "Okay, we'll race." "And may the best man win." "Jesus, you hear that?" "Ooh, baby." "Talk dirty to me." "I'm going to go outside and listen at their door." "Give my best to the bisexuals." "Only he's bisexual, she's straight." "Too bad." "Mixed marriages never work." "So what do you think?" "About what?" "Seeing Ed again with me to compare him to." "Is that what we're doing here?" "He ain't so hot." "Not hot enough to be the great love of your life, anyway." "I never said he was the great love of my life." "He's got his good points, though." "He's good natured, good looking, good in bed." " Good and boring." " He's not good and boring." "He's just plain boring." "But you loved him, right?" "I guess so." "He loved you." "I see the way he looks at you." "Why did you two break up?" "He wanted different things." "Like what?" "I wanted a husband, he wanted a wife." "Mmm, that was delicious, Laurel." "Isn't she a great cook?" " Besides being beautiful?" " Just delicious." "I bet I gain five pounds." "Ed, why don't you take Arnold and Alan out to the barn and show them our new canning machine?" "We can all of our own vegetables, you know?" "Thanks, I've seen the barn." "Ed, why don't you take Alan out and show it to him?" "He's the real can connoisseur of the family." "I'll stay and help Laurel with the dishes." "You know, we've yet to have a moment alone to compare notes on you." " Ooh, just what she's been waiting for." " Ed." "Mind if I steal the brandy?" "Come on." "Stuck with the dishes." "It's right up there." "Tell me about you." "That's the reason we're here." "Is it?" "Sure is." "I wasn't going to let this opportunity to meet my competition go by." "I'm no competition." "I am." "So talk." "Why don't you ask Arnold?" "I'm sure he has lots to say on the subject." "He says you're a boring, self-centered, insensitive old fool who wouldn't know love if it wore wings, a diaper, and shot heart-shaped arrows at your butt." "Anything you'd care to add?" "No, that'll do." "What do you think?" "I think I'll reserve my judgment till I can make a closer inspection." "Close enough?" "You asked me to sit in the hay, not roll in it." "I think you're very beautiful." "I thought you were reformed." "Oh, if you want me to stop... just say so." "Do you?" "I didn't think so." " Let's go." " So sorry we have to go like this." "I'm just sorry you couldn't stay for supper." "Yeah, so are we." " Yes, it's a shame." " Laurel, listen now," "I'll call you, hon." " Thanks." " Drive safe, okay?" " What the hell's wrong with you?" " Never mind." " Bye." " Hey, give us a call." "Yeah, we will." "Maybe we'll do it again sometime." "Yeah, sounds good to me." " What's wrong with you?" " Let's just get out of here." "Oh, I'm sorry." "I thought you weren't home and I was working out some frustration." "And I thank you for it." "Come on in." " Is Alan here?" " No." "He had some early appointments." " Are you all right?" " I could do some caffeine." "I can't believe how I misjudged your relationship with Alan." "Actually, you're so perfect together." "I'm certain you'll work everything out." "I wasn't aware of anything that needed working out." " You two didn't have words?" " None we haven't used before." "You mean what happened between Ed and Alan doesn't bother you at all?" "What?" "!" " You blurted it out just like that?" " I thought he knew." "I meant it as friendly remark." "With friends like her, who needs divorce court?" " Why'd you think I left him?" " I thought it was something I said." "Are you going to tell Laurel?" "What I do is my own business." "Ed told me about it after you left." "He was crying." "I was dumbfounded." "I didn't know which one of us to comfort." " All you had to do was ask." " Ask you what?" "Not to fool around and I wouldn't've." "But you never asked me." "Because I wanted you to feel that you could." "You mean, you wanted me to feel that you could." "Just once in my life, I'd love to have an affair go on the rocks after the passion wears off." "You're the one who wanted this weekend." "You're the one who wanted..." "Just because I said that's what I wanted doesn't mean that's what I wanted." "It may be what I wanted, but that doesn't mean I'm necessarily ready for it." " So do you want me to see other men?" " No!" " But I want you to feel that you can." " I do and I did!" "Just once, I'd like to be standing on sure ground when the blow hit instead of crawling around on my hands and knees like a baby." "There's something I want to ask you." " The answer's yes." " You don't even know the question." "I'm too tired to argue anymore, so whatever it is, my answer's yes." "Good, because I love you too." "That's it, Alan." "Come on, yes." "Now pour the man some champagne." "Yes, that's it." "Don't give him a bath." "Oh, yes, that looks beautiful, beautiful." "Alan, come on, give me a smile." "Wonderful." "Yes." "Hi, Arnold." "Alan, take five." "Shelly, stay there." "Shelly, come over here, I want to do something." "Yeah, she's got a little spot over there." " Bad news?" " What?" " Who's the letter from?" " Laurel." " They're getting married." " You're kidding?" "No. "And so we figured, two years after that wonderful weekend, ha ha ha... well, if we could survive that together, then we can make it through anything." "And so we'll be tying the knot."" "I think we should take their example and get married." "Yeah, sure." "Any day now, a giant stork is going to come rapping on our door with a bundle of joy." "I think the kid deserves legitimate parents." "What are you talking about?" "The Institute called... we're going to have a baby." " You..." " Yeah." "We have to find an apartment fast." "They won't give him to us until we have a place where he can have a room of his own." " Him?" " His name is David." "He's 15, troubled, abused and he's also gay." "Oy." "So will you?" "What?" "Marry me?" "Excuse me." "Sorry." "Welcome to the neighborhood." "Fabulous." "Really terrific neighborhood you picked here." "It's barely dark and they're out in numbers." "Maybe we should get an infrared telescope for the living room." " Great way to bring up a child." " Lift, lift." "Are we going to have a dog?" "What?" "What for?" "For the kid." "That's a great idea." "What kind you think we should get?" "The kind I can walk in the park." "You're a funny guy." "Real funny." "Okay, push." "Okay." "God, I feel so butch." "Hey should you be carrying this in your condition?" "Shouldn't you be lying down with your feet up or something?" "You're even starting to look like a mother." " Gray hair and all." " I do not have gray hair." "I can see it from here." "Yeah?" "Well, you gave me every one of them." "My old man." "What if he hates us?" "I'm hungry." "Let's go eat." "I'm tired." "Let's go to bed." " Where?" " Oops." "Well, why don't you go get some takeout and uh..." "I'll see what I can do with the bedroom." "Dinner in bed." " By candlelight?" " Buy candles." "Sorry." "You fucking watch where you're going." " Fucking faggot." " Hey, not out here, man." "Alan!" "Bring champagne." "What's going on?" "Some punks are swinging bats at everyone." " They've got some old guy cornered." " Call the cops!" "They're beating on fags!" "You think the cops give a shit?" "Call the cops now!" "They're over there." "Hey!" " Hey!" " Give me the bat!" "Let him go!" "Come on." "I said let him go." "Oh, damn." "Come on, there's nothing you can do." "All right?" "Move it back." "Move it back." "Hey you, back there!" "Read about it in the morning, come on." "Let's go!" "Move it!" "Stop it!" " What did you say?" " No!" "Stop it!" "I've called your mothers, and I don't want a sound out of either one of you until they get here." "Your mother?" "Hey, I didn't say nothing, lady." "You are going to pay for this, young man." "How could you get into a fight, today of all days?" "Believe me, young man, I won't soon forget about this." "Well, you think I'll ever forget you showing up in that outfit?" "They called and told me you were hurt in a fight." "What did you want me to do, put on a tux?" "It looks like he survived." "What are you doing home from work?" "It's Brooklyn Day, my school's closed." " What died in here?" " It's breakfast." "I cooked it myself." "Toast for me, I'm on a diet." " Since when?" " 1961." " We got a steak I can put on my eye?" " Use ice cubes." "When I think of that kid hitting you... and for that, he gets two days suspension..." "I gotta go see his principal." "What'd you fight about, anyway?" "He called me a douche bag so I slugged him." "How '50s." "Have a seat, soup's on." "Here we go." "Okay, dig in." "This is a joke, right?" "I cooked, you'll eat." "I'm going apartment hunting this afternoon." "Care to join me?" "Hey, what's the rush?" "I like having you here." "Can I have the ketchup?" "The couch and I are not speaking." "It's only your fourth night, you'll get used to it." "Can I have the mustard?" "Is there something wrong with the food?" "Not at all." "Very tasty." "How about the mayo?" "Hold the mayo." "Oh, yeah, your wife called, middle of the night." "I tried to wake you, but you were out of it." "Oh, I guess I better call her." "Help yourself to seconds." "There's plenty." "And I was worried." "David, you finish cleaning up your room?" "Oh, what I gotta clean for?" "My mother, tomorrow, coming here." "So lock the door and tell her it's a closet." "She doesn't know about me, so why let her into my room?" " Who's on the phone?" " Ed." "All right, all right." "Yeah, um..." "yeah, 1:30, at Greenfields." "Yeah." "Okay?" "Bye bye." "She give you a bad time, huh?" "Four days of those calls, you think I'd start getting used to them." "I don't know why she always has to cry." "I mean, this separation wasn't all my idea." "Ed!" "I don't want to hear what you have to say, 'cause believe me, you don't want to hear what I have to say." "Well, I'd love to sit around chewing the fat with you grown-up types, but I've got a life to live." " Take a glass of milk." " I had milk." "Then go brush your teeth." " Oh, Ma." " Don't you "Oh, Ma" me." "March." "And don't call me "Ma" in front of my mother." "Having a good time, Leonora?" "Oh, Ed, two favors." "My mother wants to go to the cemetery tomorrow, so have you got the number of that car service you use?" "Yeah, sure." "And um..." "David's social worker will be coming on Thursday, so could you stay somewhere else?" "Oh, I'm good enough for your mother, but I'm not good enough for David's social worker?" "It has nothing to do with being good enough." "It's just that Ms. Schnauble frowns on casual cohabitation, and I've got enough to explain without you on the couch." "Casual?" "We've known each other for nine years." "Seven of which you spent with another woman." " But I'm sleeping on the couch." " Ed!" "Okay, maybe I should just find a hotel room." "And leave me unprotected at a time like this?" "You know, my mother isn't exactly going to feature the idea of my becoming a father." "Your professional opinion as an American educator will prove invaluable." " She'll say I'm prejudiced." " She'll say a lot of things." "You'll learn not to listen." "David, I'm leaving!" "I'll miss you." "Make sure he calls somebody for his homework." "No TV till it's done." "And bedtime 11:00 p.m. Sharp." " But I got no school tomorrow." " It's still a school night." "We'll be fine." "David!" "Get over here." "What the hell is wrong with you?" "I don't get no kiss goodbye?" "I love you." "I love you too," "Ma!" "So the new career is a reality?" "Just don't forget who your friends are." "You know, when I started in this business" "I looked like a young Joan Crawford." "10 years later, Marjorie Maine." "I swear, I'm aging about as well as a beach-party movie." "Mmm, well I'm happy for you." "You got it all." "Now if that idiot Ed would just settle down." "Ooh, you must be dying for a slap." "That's about the last thing I need in my life." "That's precisely my point." "Ed is the very last thing you need." "You got the rest." "Nice apartment, good job, money enough to keep your figure." "And someone who depends on you." "Now what you need is someone on whom you can depend." " Ed?" "Get real." " People change." "Alan died, honey." "Not you." "* But seeing you is grand *" "* And you were sweet to offer your hand *" "* I understand *" "* I do *" "* Pardon my asking *" "* What's new *" "* Of course, you could know *" "* I haven't changed *" "* I still love you so. *" "How Alice Faye can I get?" "It's 7:18 in the Big Apple." "And this is "High Tide,"" "with a dedication from Butchy to Judy." "Just for you." "Think we should wake him?" "What if he oversleeps?" "I'm not going to survive." "He's up." "David, what are you doing in that kitchen?" "!" " I cleaned till 5:00 in the morning!" " Where am I supposed to eat?" "You ever hear of a restaurant?" "They cook for you, they clean for you." "Best of all, my mother don't go there." "Why don't you just let me break the good news to her?" "The suit should help soften the blow." "This is for David's principal." "What, no bunny slippers?" "Ed, the phone number of that car service you promised?" "Yeah, here." "What time do you expect her?" "Oh, I don't know." "She said an early flight." "I figured around noon." "David, get over here!" "Now listen to me..." "I want you to clean up that kitchen, get your butt over to Murray's, and don't come home till I call you." "Yeah, Ma." "What?" "!" "After all this time, how could you have not told her about David?" "I told my mother about David, but she assumed he was my roommate, and I didn't bother to correct her." "I was crazy then." "Alan had just died." "I never even told her how he was killed." "She assumed it was a car accident," " and I didn't bother correcting her." " Unbelievable." "What is so "unbelievable"?" "You still haven't told your parents you're gay." " Bisexual, thank you." " Well, I told my mother when I was 13." "You knew when you were 13?" "Honey, when I was 13 I knew everything." "Senility set in sometime after." "Hello, Murray, hi." "Listen, I won't be coming over today, man." "I got a temperature and um..." "Arnold told me to stay here in bed." "Yeah." "Oh, it's terrible." "Oh, at least 102, you know." "I gotta go, Murray, I'm very weak." "Bye." "Is this a playground?" " Yeah." " Thank you." "It was a pleasure meeting you all... not one of whom would give me a seat." "Thanks to you gentlemen I now have varicose veins." "Wait, wait, wait." "I got this." "I got it." " Hey." "Help, mugger!" " What?" "I'm not a mugger!" "Yeah?" "Then you're a rapist." "Get..." "Why would a rapist wear a three-piece suit?" "Ow." "How do I know?" "Maybe you got a wedding after." "No, listen." "Arnold had to go somewhere, so I waited for you in case you got here before him." "Oh, I'm sorry I kicked you." "This is very, very nice of you to meet me." "No sweat." "I see Arnold left you his keys." " I got my own set." " Oh, really?" "It's probably none of my business, and I hope you don't mind my asking, but just who the hell are you?" " I'm David." " David." "Neighbor's kid?" "I live with Arnold." "Would you like a drink?" " Maybe later." " Come on in." "We've got everything all worked out for you." " Even with Ed staying here." " Ed?" "Arnold's friend." "Friend-friend, or euphemism friend?" "He used to be a euphemism, now he's just a friend." "But with you staying here, they're both going to be sleeping on the couch." "Who knows?" "Have they got water here?" "Sure." "We cleaned all week for you." "What do you think?" "I think we should sit down." "David, tell me, do you go to school?" "Yeah." "Hey, are these oranges from Florida?" "Cuba... we were highjacked." "But I'm not one to complain." " Funny." " Thanks." "So... do you go to college?" "High school." "High school." "How nice." " Senior?" " Freshman." "Freshman." "That's very sweet." "Tell me, David," " just how old are you?" " 16... in two months." "Is something wrong?" "Not at all." "16 in two months." "That's wonderful." "You've got your whole life ahead of you... while mine is flashing before my eyes." " More water?" " More water." "David, darling, your parents... don't they think you're a little young to be out in the world all alone?" "No, but Juvenile Court did." "So here I am." "I need to talk to Arnold." "You could call the school." "He had to meet with my principal." "You mean real people know you live here?" "Why not?" "Lots of people live with their fathers." "Live with their what?" "Their fathers." "Hi, Pop." "So Mama, tell me all about Florida." "Anyone special in your life?" "Not particularly." "This Ed, he got married, didn't he?" "Right, uh... so how come you're not seeing anyone?" "Because the last thing I need is to become nursemaid to some alter cocker." "So how come he's staying with you?" "He and his wife are separated." " Separated?" "How come?" " I don't know." "Arnold, the man is living with you." " He's staying on the couch." " So are you." "Because you're in my room." " You're involved." " Ma, God..." "You must admit it sounds a little queer." "A man leaves his wife and moves in with his old friend." "Hmm." "I don't think the people who gave you David would approve." "Do you want to just drive?" "You've taken on a tremendous responsibility with this boy." "You have to set him a good example." "Giving a friend a place to stay is a bad example?" "I knew I should've kept my mouth to myself." "Anyway, it's only for a few more weeks." "What's for a few more weeks?" "You said he was with you on a one-year basis." "So it's already more than 10 months." " So what do you think happens then?" " He leaves." "Oh, no, Ma, you misunderstood." "Yes, David's with me on a one-year trial basis, but after that if we agree, and the Bureau of Child Welfare allows," "I'm going to legally adopt him." "And believe me, Ma, if I have anything to say about it," " David's not leaving." " Stop the car!" "No, don't..." "Frankly, Arnold, you've done a lot of crazy things..." "My adopting David is not a crazy thing." "It is a wonderful thing I happen to be very proud of." "If you were so proud, how come you were too ashamed to tell your mother?" "Everything else you tell me." "You shove your sex life down my throat like aspirin... every hour on the hour." "But all this time not a word." "Why?" "You're not the easiest person in the world to talk to." "Why?" "What'd I say?" "Do I tell you how to run your life?" "Listen to me, my son." "I realized a long time ago that no matter what I thought or how I felt, you and your brother were going to do exactly as you felt anyway." "So I wouldn't say a word." "You want to know why you didn't tell me?" " Because you knew it was wrong." " That is not true." "No?" "Why?" "I don't know." "So what else is new?" "That's it!" "Arnold, honestly, I've had it up to here with you." "Your father left these plots to you... this is what you want to do with them?" "Fine." "That's your business." "But I will not stand here and watch you spit on your father's grave." " What?" " What do you think you're doing?" " What do you mean?" " What are you doing?" "I'm doing the same thing you're doing." "No, I'm reciting Kaddish for my husband." "You're blaspheming your religion." "Mama, you know who this is?" "This is my lover." "Wait." "Wait!" "Wait!" "You're going to compare my marriage to you and Alan?" "Your father and I were married for 35 years, we had two children together." "You dare compare yourself to that?" " I'm talking about the loss." " What loss did you have?" "You fooled around with some boy." "Huh?" "Where do you come to compare that with a marriage of 35 years?" "Come on, Arnold." "This isn't one of your pals you're talking to." "Mama, I lost someone I loved very much." "So you felt bad, maybe you even cried a little." "What would you know about what I felt?" "35 years I lived with this man." "He got sick I took him to the hospital." "Do you know what they gave me back?" "I gave them a man, they gave me a place to visit High Holy Days." "How could possibly know how I felt?" "It took me two months before I could sleep in our bed alone." "And a year..." "it took me a year before I could say "l" instead of "we."" "And you're going to tell me you were mourning?" "How dare you?" "You're right, Ma, how dare I?" "I couldn't possibly know how it feels to take somebody's things, put them in plastic bags and watch garbage men take them away." "Or how it feels when you forget and you set him his place at the table." "How about the food that rots in the refrigerator 'cause you forgot how to shop for one?" "How dare I, right, Ma?" "How dare..." "Believe me, Ma, you had it easy." " May God strike me dead..." " You had 35 years what I ever did to my mother to have a child talk to me like this!" "You have your friends and your relatives..." "I had me." "That you should open your mouth to your mother like this!" "My friends said, "What the fuck are you carrying on for?" "At least you had a lover." That's right, Ma, you had it easy." "You lost your husband in a nice clean hospital." "Know where I lost mine?" "I lost mine on the street!" "That's right, they killed him on the street." "27 years old laying dead on a street, killed by a bunch of kids with baseball bats!" "That's right, Ma!" "Killed by children!" "Children taught by people like you, 'cause everybody knows that queers don't matter." "Queers don't love!" "And those that do deserve what they get!" "Taxi." "Action!" "I'll get it." "You must be Ed." "How do you do?" "I'm the mother." "Nice to have met you." "Whoops." "Whoops." "Ed, did you say "whoops"?" "No, Ed." "Whoops is when you fall down an elevator shaft." "Whoops is when you skinny dip in a school of piranha." "Whoops is when you accidentally douche with Drano." "No, Ed." "This was no whoops." "This was an... aaahhhh!" " Come on, David, we're dining out." " Good idea." "Good luck." "Round two." "Mama!" "You can come out now." "We've got the whole joint to fight in." "Enjoy yourself, I'm going to bed." "Ma, I'm sorry I lost my temper." "I'm glad you're sorry." "Mama, we've got to talk about this." "You don't want to talk, you want to fight." "I don't fight with my children." "In your life, did you ever hear your father and me fight?" "No." "And you want to know why?" "I'll tell you why." "Because all my childhood I listened to fights." "My father fought with my mother, my mother fought with my brother, my brother fought with me." "When I married your father," "I said, "Jack, I will talk, but I won't fight."" "Eh?" "Did you ever hear us fight?" "No." "And now you know why." " L..." " And don't holler." "People say things they don't mean when they holler." " And you said quite enough." " I won't holler." "You just hit a raw nerve before." "We will not discuss Alan or Daddy." "Only David." "Arnold, darling, what do you know from raising a child?" "What's to know?" "Whenever there's a problem, I simply imagine how you would solve it." "And then I do the opposite." "That's what you invited me here for?" "To insult me and spit on your father's grave?" "Oh, Ma, God..." "Arnold, you live your life the way you want." "I put my fist in my mouth, I don't say a word." "But think about the boy." "He sees you living like this." "Don't you think it's bound to affect him?" "Ma, David is gay." "He's been here less than a year." "He came that way." "Nobody comes that way." "What an opening." "Everything by you is a joke." "The whole world has gone completely insane, and I'm heading south for the summer." "You make it very difficult to have an intelligent conversation." "You want an intelligent conversation?" "Do what I do." "Talk to yourself." " It's the only way." " Mama, don't you understand?" "The whole reason David was placed here was so that he would grow up with a positive attitude about his homosexuality." "Arnold, gay isn't to hate!" "I don't care anymore." "You're not going to put me in my grave like you did your father." " Oh, now I killed my father?" " No, of course not." "He was thrilled to have a fairy for a son." "What do you think?" "You think walk into a room and say, "Hi, Dad, I'm queer," and that's that?" "You think that's what we brought you into the world for?" "Believe me if I'd've known, I wouldn't have bothered!" "God should tear out my tongue I should talk to my child like that." "Arnold." "You're a good person." "A sensitive person with a heart, kaynahorah, like your father." "I try to love you for that and forget about this, but you won't let me." "You haven't spoken one sentence since I got here" " without the word "gay" in it." " Because it's what I am." "If that was all, you could leave it in there where it belongs." "But no, you're obsessed with it." "You're not happy unless everybody's talking about it." "Ma, look... try and imagine the world the other way around." "Imagine that every book, every magazine, every newspaper, every TV show, every movie, was telling you, "You should be homosexual."" "You know you're not." "You know to you, this is right." "Stop already." "You're talking crazy." "You want to know what's crazy?" "After all these years I'm still sitting here trying to justify my life." "This is crazy." "You call this a life?" "This is a sickness." "But it's what you've chosen for yourself." "Ma, look, I'm gay." "I don't know why, I don't think anyone does." "That's what I am." "For as far back as I can remember." "Back before I knew it was different or even wrong." "You have not heard one word I've said." "I know you'd rather I was straight, I'm not!" "Would you also rather I'd lie to you?" "My friend Ed would never dream of telling his parents." "Instead he cut his parents out of his life." "And his parents wonder "Why?" "Why is my child so distant?"" " Is that what you'd rather?" " No." "But it doesn't have to be our every conversation either." "You want to be a part of my life?" "I'm not editing out the things you don't like." " Can we end this conversation?" " No!" "God!" "There's one more thing you better understand." "I have taught myself to sew, cook, fix plumbing, build furniture..." "I can even pat myself on the back when necessary." "All so I don't have to ask anyone for anything." "There's nothing I need from anyone except for love and respect." "And anyone who can't give me those two things has no place in my life." "You're my mother." "I love you." "I do." "But... if you can't respect me, you've got no business being here." "You're throwing me out?" " Ma, I'm trying to..." " Throwing me out, isn't that nice?" "Listen, mister, you get one mother in this world, only one." "Wait." "You just wait." " Yeah, hello?" " Ed, it's Murray." "Is Arnold there?" "Well, isn't he at work?" "He ran out of here after the first show and he never came back." "Where would he go?" "Where you going, boys?" "I just got here." "Whoa!" "Hello, boys." "Line forms to the left." " Arnold, come on." " What?" " Say good night to your friends." " Oh, you." " Come on." "We're going home." " I had you." " Come on." " I don't want to go home." "She's there." "Spring and Townsend." "Your mother said she's leaving." "She didn't want to stay the night, but she couldn't get a flight out until morning." "She was gonna spend the night at the airport but I got her calmed down." "She'd stay if you asked her." "Why did you get drunk?" "Hello, anybody home?" "Sometimes you really frighten me, Ed." "Do you care to talk about it?" "I am upset, I am uptight," "I am up to my nipples in Southern Comfort and you're trying to take advantage of me." "Fine." "I want another chance with you." "Arnold, just listen to me." "Arnold, I'm 40 years old." "Do you know what that means, Arnold?" "It means it's time for me to stop jerking around." "The time I've spent with you and David, it's been... it's the closest thing to whatever it is I want." "Are you listening to me?" "25." "Thanks." "Look, I know you're upset about your mother." "That's not it." "Okay, then maybe it's too soon after Alan." " Ed, leave me alone." " Well, then what?" "Ed, are you forgetting why we broke up in the first place?" "You really think that you could bring your friends here?" "You think that you could introduce me to your parents as your lover?" "And David as our son?" "Ed, angel..." "I just threw my mother..." "my mother... out of the house." "All she wanted was not talk about it." "You really think I'm going to ask less from you?" "We've got a dedication now from Beulah to Michael." ""Thinking of you."" "Did I ever tell you about the time Alan called in one of these shows?" "You told me." "And how they read the dedication wrong?" "You told me." "Oh, it was so romantic." "You told me." "Come on, champ." "Breakfast on me." "Do we ever get to have a real meal again?" "Oh, let's go." "Wait up, Ed." "I got to do something first." "Listen, um..." "what we talked about last night..." "I think it's time to find out." "I love you, Arnold." " David, are you coming?" " In a minute!" "Oh, it was a pleasure meeting you, Mrs. Beckoff." "The pleasure was mine, Ed." "I hope you and your wife come to your senses." "Couples have to learn to live with conflict." "After all, a problem is never as permanent as a solution." "Thank you." "David." "Well, young man, it's been an experience." "Same here." "Sorry I scared you yesterday." "Maybe someday I can do the same for you." "I'll be leaving myself now." "Ma, you don't have to go." "You can stay." "What, with your brother?" "No, it's better he doesn't know." "I'll call him from Miami, tell him I couldn't make it up this week." "No, I'm calling him and I'm going to tell him what happened." "You want to turn him against me too?" "What else do you want to do to me?" "You want me to leave, I'm leaving." "You want me to fight?" "I'm too tired." "You want me to change?" "I'm too old, I can't." "I can't." "So you do what you have to do, and I'll do what I have to do, and I hope you're satisfied." "Oh God." "If I had ever opened a mouth to my mother the way you did to me, you'd be talking to a woman with a size six wedgie sticking out of her forehead." "But I didn't raise my children like that." "I wanted my children to respect me because they wanted to, not because I beat it into them." "Go know." "We're going to start this all over again now?" "Yes!" "Because it's not fair for you to put all the blame on me." "You think I didn't know about you, Arnold?" "Believe me, I knew." "I knew, but I said no." "I hoped." "What's the difference?" "I knew and I turned my back." "But I wasn't the only one." "You turned your back on me too." "You opened a mouth to me about your friend Alan." "How was I supposed to know?" "All of a sudden you would have understood?" "Maybe." "You don't know." "You never trusted me enough to tell me." " You never said a word." " So you could've said what?" ""Ah, he's better off dead," right?" "Maybe I could've comforted you." "Maybe I could've told you what to expect." "You cheated me out of your life, and then blame me for not being there." "About this Ed..." " you love him?" " I don't know." "Yeah, I think so." "Like you loved Alan?" "No." "They're very different." "Anyway it's easier to love someone who's dead." "They make so few mistakes." "You've got an unusual way of looking at things, Arnold Beckoff." "I think it runs in the family." "Ma..." "I miss him." "Give yourself time, Arnold." "It gets better." "But Arnold, it never goes away." "You can work longer hours, adopt a son, fight with me, whatever... it'll still be there." "But that's all right." "It becomes a part of you, like learning to wear a ring or a pair of eyeglasses." "You get used to it... and it's good." "It's good because it makes sure you don't forget." "You don't want to forget him, do you?" "No." "So it's good." "You better get that." "It might be something about that son of yours." "Hello?" "Oh, hi, D..." "what?" "All right." "Yes, I'm turning... all right, I'm turning." "It's David." "I don't know, something about the radio." ""Turn it on." "Turn it on."" "No, I just checked with my producer who took the call, and he has confirmed it." "So for whatever it's worth, here it is." "A dedication "from David to Arnold with all his love."" "You hear that, Ma?" "He's a big kid." "Oh, God, Mama, he's such a special..." "Ma, you're not even listening?" "* Oh, by the way *" "* This time... *" "Ma." "* You take my hand... *" "Mama!" "* But as things stand *" "* This time the dream's on me *" "* It would be fun *" "* To be certain that I'm the one *" "* To know that I *" "* At least supply *" "* The shoulder you cry upon *" "* To see you through *" "* Till you're everything you want to be *" "* It can't be true *" "* But this time the dream's on me. *"