"It`s H, O..." "H, A, W, T..." "Guys!" "What happened?" "Apparently they found him unconscious on a park bench." "Oh, my god!" "Is he okay?" "We don't know." "We just got here." "He's ready for visitors now." "He's in 10-23." "Hi." "Oh, welcome, my old friends." " Welcome." " Pierce, what happened?" "We were all so worried." "It was the pills." "They just took me over." "I saw awful, horrible things." "Demons, aliens, critters 3, something called Bruce Willis surrogates." "Abed, what are you guys doing?" "It's ok, just act natural." "Pierce asked me to document his life for historical purposes." "At first, I said, "no," because at the risk of sounding overly sensitive, I feel intensely bored by Pierce as a subject." "But I'm excited about the narrative facility of the documentary format." "It's easier to tell a complex story when you can just cut to people explaining things to the camera." "I've called everyone here so that I could put my house in order, bequeath parting gifts, say my final words to each of you." "Final words?" " You're gonna kill us?" " No, dummy." "The pills wiped me out." "I'm dying." "I'm not really dying." "Over the last few weeks, it's become apparent how little respect this group has for me." "So I've summoned them here to exact my revenge." "I'm so sad." "I don't know what to do." "Usually, if I need to cheer up," "I just make fun of Pierce, but now..." "It'd just make me sadder." "It's Gregory Hines all over again." "Look, I'm sure he'll be fine." "You know how dramatic Pierce gets." "Remember when he had the hiccups and pulled the fire alarm?" "Let's just try to relax." "He's here because we relaxed." "No, he's here because he relaxed, a handful of pills at a time." "That's all over now." "We're here for him, so there's no point in feeling bad." "We know there's no point, Jeff." "We kind of just felt like feeling it." "Yeah, Jeff." "What are you?" "Abed?" "Oh, sorry, Abed." "No problem." "Doesn't bother me." "Mr. Hawthorne is ready to commence his bequeathings." "Shouldn't you be telling that to an orderly?" "He's gonna give us gifts." "Oh, cool!" "I mean..." "Cool." "I don't want Pierce to die." "But if I'm gonna get bequeathed upon," "I'd like to be bequeathed a drum kit or a signed photo of actor Levar Burton." "Those would be my top two wishes." "My third wish would be a million wishes." "But I'd just use 'em all on a million signed photos of actor Levar Burton." "Hello, Pierce." "Hi." "I got you some things from the gift shop to cheer you up." "I got you a John Grisham novel and a funny little coffee mug." "You see how the flea's door mat says "Dog, sweet dog"?" "Yeah." "Shirley, we both know that you and I are the most hated in the group." "We do?" "And since, in my absence, you'll be the new black sheep..." "I'm sorry." "That's offensive." "Black swan." "I want you to have this." "It's a compact record and it contains an audio file of your study group talking about you while you're out of the room." "It's all here, burnt into this diskette by optical lasers." "I don't believe you." "I know it sounds like science fiction." "No, I don't believe there's anything on that." "Then I guess this is good-bye..." "Forever." "Good... good-bye, Pierce." "Smell you later." "He said it's a recording of you all talking behind my back." "That's ridiculous." "That's what I told him, because you all don't do that." "Right?" "Mr. Hawthorne is requesting "sour face."" "Knock, knock." "Is that you, Death?" " It's Britta." " Oh." "Before you speak, I just want to tell you that you don't have to give me anything." "I am happy to just spend time with you." "You know what Dylan Thomas said about death?" "No, tell me." "Okay, bluff called." "Britta, you're the selfless one in the group, right?" "I wouldn't know." "I haven't thought about myself in years." "That's what makes you the perfect recipient of this bequeathment." "It's a check for $10,000 with the payee line blank, so that you can give it to the charity of your choice." "Wow." "Pierce, this is... surprising." "After what you gave Shirley, we thought you were playing mind games." "Thank you." "Of course, if you are so inclined, you could always write your own name in there." "Toodles." "I don't want to die in a place like this." "People shouldn't die in the same place as People magazines do." "I hope to die surrounded by my family." "That's the only way I agreed to be surrounded by my family." "Me and Abed have an agreement." "If one of us dies, we stage it to look like a suicide caused by the unjust cancellation of Firefly." "We're gonna get that show back on the air, buddy." "How'd it go?" "Huh?" "Oh, fine." "He gave me a check for $10,000 to give to the charity of my choice." "See?" "He's not messing with us." " Maybe he just hates Shirley." " What?" "Yeah, maybe." "I just need to research a few charities, because some take a lot off the top and you think you're giving money to people that really need it, and you're really giving it to some middle man who's gonna pay off their parking tickets," "credit cards, and keep from getting kicked out of her place in..." "April." "Ah!" "He'd like to see Annie next." "You know what?" "No." "He'll see Jeff next." "No, but you're not supposed to go..." "Or what?" "You'll do twice as much work as a doctor for half the pay?" "Thank you?" "It's called a complisult." "Part compliment, part insult." "He invented them." "I coined the term." "See what I just did there?" "That was an explanabrag." "Hello, Jeffrey." "Pierce." "I've thought about this day many times, but I've always imagined it differently." "For starters, I thought you'd be the one in bed and I'd be a hologram." "What?" "Ah, never mind." "There's no time for that now." "Pierce, it's starting to seem, from observing the others, that you're using the social leverage afforded you by your alleged deathbed to exact complicated acts of psychological vengeance on those closest to you." "Vengeance?" "Oh, no." "I was never one to hold a grudge, Jeffrey." "My father held grudges." "I'll always hate him for that." "Did you get along with your father?" "I got along without him." "Oh, that's no good, Jeffrey." "You don't want your dad to die before you tell him how you feel." "I'm sure you're right." "Look, let's nip this in the bud." "Pierce, we're sorry we didn't respond quickly enough to your pill addiction." "Is there any chance that apology is enough?" "Are you ready to be bequeathed upon, Jeff?" "Yeah." "Blow my mind." "I found your father." "Did you now?" "William Winger, born Oklahoma City, 1945." "1974, married Doreen Fitzgerald." "Divorced in 1983." "Most recently residing in Dorchester." "Currently sitting in a town car on its way to this very hospital." "Should be here in an hour or so, give or take a father." "That it?" "Yep." "All right." "See you at the funeral." "And so it is bequeathed." "What are you gonna say to your dad?" "I'm not gonna say anything because I won't have to, because Pierce is playing head games with us." "I've decided not to listen to it." "What?" "I'm not gonna listen to the CD of you guys talking about me." "Because I forgive you." "But how do we know what we're being forgiven for?" "We don't even know what's on there." "And you never have to." "Hmm." "But what if he is coming, though?" "What are you gonna say to him?" "Here." "I'll be him." "I'll be him." "Hi." "Hey." "Hi, I'm Jeff's dad." "Hi." "Hi." "Hi, Jeff's dad." "I'm Britta's dad." " What?" "Why?" " I don't know." "Got drunk, didn't have a condom, and her mom gets freaky when she hears oingo boingo." "Oh, God, I wish I could relate, but much like my son, I'm a closet homosexual." "Don't apologize for that." "You're talking to the guy that banged Britta's mom." "I have no standards." "Well, what do you say we take a tumble?" "I'll put on a wig." "That's it." "You're under arrest." "I'm an undercover cop." "It's not illegal to be gay." "It is here in Iran." "Not when we're in the green zone." "That's Iraq, stupid." "Well, what do I know?" "I'm Jeff Winger's dumb, gay dad." "My father was a two-bit con man of so little substance he couldn't leave a trail if he wanted to." "And I don't care if Pierce hired Scotland Yard." "He isn't gonna track him down from a hospital bed." "I mean, money can't just make people appear." "Excuse me." "I'm looking for Troy Barnes." "Pierce Hawthorne sent me." "Hey, Troy?" "Hi." "I'm Levar Burton." "Pierce got Levar Burton to come here for Troy?" "Is there anyone he can't produce?" "Now I'm really getting mad." "Why am I the only one he decided to torture?" "I told Pierce a thousand times" "I never wanted to meet Levar in person!" "I just wanted a picture!" "You can't disappoint a picture!" "I hate you, Pierce!" "I hate you so much!" "Ahem." "Annie, I forgive you." "Annie Edison." "Your bequeathal is at hand." "Do you have a regular job here?" "Annie, I know you're being strong for me." "I give you permission to weep." "I'm crying on the inside." "Gross." "Well, in any case," "I want to give you this." "It's been in my family for six generations." "Now it's yours." "Thank you." "Jeff, do you want to see your dad?" " He's not coming." " But do you want to see him?" "No." "Then why aren't you leaving?" "Because I don't care and I'm not gonna let him think that I care." "Your dad or Pierce?" "There is no dad." "And get this thing out of my face!" "And don't you dare intercut this with footage of me freaking out." "Oh!" "Is there footage of you freaking out?" "Abed, I'm gonna kill you and Pierce and Britta and anyone else who thinks I care about any of this!" "So do you go to school nearby?" "Well, are you more familiar with me from Star Trek or Reading Rainbow?" "Reading Rainbow was a show I hosted and produced for 25 years on PBS." "Ever seen it?" "♪ Butterfly in the sky ♪" "♪ I can go twice as high ♪" "♪ take a look ♪" "♪ it's in a book ♪" "♪ reading rainbow-ow-ow ♪" "♪ reading rainbow ♪" "♪ oh!" "♪" "Set phasers to "love me"!" "What does it mean?" "What do you mean "what does it mean"?" "No riddles." "You're screwing around with everyone." "You gave me a tiara." "What does it mean?" "Are these... are these blood diamonds?" "Are they holocaust diamonds?" "No!" "Well, what does it mean?" "It means you're my favorite." "What does that mean?" "I did it." "I gave away the money." "The red cross." "You know what that makes me?" "A terrible person." "Because if that camera wasn't on me," "I would have taken that money right out of the mouths of crippled, starving, malaria-ridden refugee kids and now I know that forever." "Thanks, Pierce." "Britta, you've got to forgive yourself." "Look at me." "I've forgiven all of you for the horrible things..." "Oh, for crying out loud, Shirley, give me that CD." " Oh!" " We're gonna listen to it." "I don't want to listen to it." "Britta, please." "Britta." "Britta, wait." "Britta!" "I'll be right back." "Don't learn anything without me." "So how much do we all hate Shirley?" "Pierce, knock it off." "Hey, James Bond, stop trying to record us with that stupid spy pen." "We can see the blinking light." "Why do you keep trying to record us bad-mouthing each other?" "Because he thinks friendship is a competition and he's always trying to get the upper hand." "Think Shirley's any different?" " Yes." " Moron." "Hello!" "Guess we do owe you an apology, Shirley." "We shouldn't have said those things about you." "I guess the lesson here is that I sometimes use guilt as a weapon." "What are you doing?" "Oh, just shooting a talking head or did you want me to be the only one who didn't have one?" "No, go ahead." "I think it stems from when I was..." "So you found my father?" "Yes, he's on his way." "I mean, if this is too much to handle," "I completely understand and I can call it off." "Actually, I think I'm ready to see him." "Good." "Good for you." "Oh, I should probably tell you..." "If you're lying to me, if my father isn't coming, if a car pulls up and anyone other than my father steps out..." "say, an actor or you in a wig..." "If you try to pull any Ferris Bueller," "Parent Trap, Three's Company, F/X," "The Deadly Art of Illusion Bull," "I will beat you..." "And there will be nothing madcap or wacky about it." "Understood?" "Crystal." " Hi." " Hey" " I'm Levar." " Oh, I know." "I was a huge fan of Rebop." "It was cancelled before I was born, but I scored some VHS copies." "I was nostalgic from a very early age." "Cool." "Hey, you know, I assumed that Troy was a fan, but he hasn't said a word to me since I got here and now I've got to catch this flight." "No!" "No!" "You can't go." "He loves you." "He talks about you all the time." "How much would it cost to change your flight till tomorrow?" "Is, um, $261 enough?" "'Cause that's all I've got." " That's all you've got?" " Yeah." "No, you... you keep your money." "I'll..." "I'll reschedule." "Oh, my God." "Thank you." "He's gonna be so happy." "You know, you are a very generous friend, but you're really stupid with your money." "It's not that I'm selfish." "It's just that I'm really stupid with my money, which is why I'll never have a lot of it and because I'm a really generous friend." "Problem solved." "Dilemma deleted." "Britta for the win!" "Oh, thank God he didn't take it." "Could you imagine bouncing a check to Kunta Kinte?" "Hello?" "Jeffrey, this is your father." "Uh-huh?" "It's me here in this sedan." "See?" "I'm waving." "I'm sorry I can't come any closer, my boy." "This is too difficult." "You look too much like your mother." "No, no." "Don't come any closer." "As you were." "Well, have to catch a flight to Katmandu, but I just wanted to say cherish the new friends that you've made." "They're your true family now!" "No!" "Don't open it!" "It'll be too hard for both of us!" " Oh, Jeff!" " Jeff!" " Son of a...!" " Oh, no!" " Oh!" " Jeff!" "No, no, no!" "When you improvise a plan, sometimes you hit a speed bump." "And sometimes you hit it so hard that you soar through the air, far beyond your initial expectations." "I set out to take revenge on Jeff Winger, to scare him with the ghost of his father." "Instead, I took over the role of his father, and helped make him a better man." "It'll be a long time before Jeff Winger underestimates me again." "Jeff, no!" "Why would you do something like this?" "Jeff!" "Come on, Jeff!" "Because I'm sick of you people not taking me seriously!" "You forget my birthday!" "You don't invite me to your Dungeons and Dragons games or your secret trampoline!" "You guys think I'm some kind of a joke!" "This isn't disproving the theory!" "Good point." "What'd you say?" "What'd you say?" "What did you say?" "Apparently I need to say some things to my father." "Things that I may have screamed at Pierce instead." "I'm not saying he doesn't deserve it." "But my father deserves it too." "Pierce?" "I figured out your test." "Crowns, presents, punishments, favorites." "You're trying to show me the dangers of my own elitism." "My constant striving to be the best." "So I'm requeathing this tiara." "Because if I become the kind of person who thinks it's their place to pick favorites and torture the rest, I'll die sad and alone." "And that's what you were trying to teach me." "Very good, Annie." "You pass." "She's actually just my favorite." "So I thought the documentary format would be like fish in a barrel, but as is the case with a real barrel of fish, after a while, it can become cramped, chaotic, and stinky." "In their floor and bats..." "Fortunately, if in the end, your documentary is turning out just as messy as real life, you can always wrap it up with a series of random shots, which when cut together under a generic voice-over," "suggest a profound thematic connection." "I'm not knocking it." "It works." "Guys." "Oh." "Aww." "Jeff and I became..." "Kind of like father and son today." "No, we did not." "Troy, I am telling you, man, this salmon is really good." "Would you mind passing me the pepper?" "♪ Butterfly in the sky ♪" "♪ I can go twice as high ♪" "♪ take a look ♪" "♪ it's in a book ♪" "♪ the reading rainbow ♪" "Well, more fish for Kunta."