"Greg, you're cooking." "Don't do something nice for me that will take me an hour to clean up." "No, I'm researching a historical dish to drop off with my application for the Westport Historical Guild." "Colonial onion pie?" "It's an homage to Westport's past as a leading onion producer in America." "I think it'll help my application stand out from the crowd." "Crowd?" "What crowd?" "It's eight guys talking about preserving dirt roads." "I'm aware the stakes are high." "You don't need to make me any more nervous than I already am." "Okay." "My apologies for being late." "But you have to dress for the life you want, not the life you have." "Where did you get the money to buy that ridiculously expensive shirt?" "I dipped into my save jar." "And who are you dressing up for, Oliver?" "Your girlfriend?" "Her I have to answer." "You I owe nothing." "I'm finished." "Can I go play?" "Sweetie, you didn't wash your hands four times." "Is something wrong?" "Nope." "I just don't feel like it today." "She just doesn't feel like it today." "Yeah, but she could wash them once." "Her hands are covered in egg." "Ah, Dr. Ellie's really helping Anna-Kat with her OCD." "She might be on her way to becoming a typical kid." "Well, two steps forward, four steps back." "But still, it's a victory." "We should celebrate." "Let's go out tonight for dinner and drinks." "That sounds so tiring." "Agreed." "I regretted it the moment I said it." "Yeah." "What are you doing?" "We have to pay for those." "Greg, you're always taking the high road." "We're paying for them by buying all this other stuff." " It's part of the deal." " It's stealing." " Or sampling." " Or stealing." "Look, we could go 'round and 'round about this for hours." "Let's just agree that it's sampling and call it a day." "Oh, onions." "Recipe calls for two bushels." "Mm." "Mama, Dad, Penny just invited me to her house for a playdate." "Can I go?" "Well, Penny, depends on where you live." "Is your house a castle?" "Mama, don't be weird." "Penny's in the grade above me." "She's right over there." "Oh." "Sure." "First, she skips her hand-washing routine." "Now she's telling me I'm weird." "This is typical kid stuff." "Except for the hygiene part, this is wildly encouraging." "Right?" "!" "Katie." "Sampling." "She didn't even wash her hands after she used the bathroom." "We couldn't be happier." "Low bar in the Otto household." "And she made a playdate with a second-grader." "A human second-grader?" " Mm-hmm." " Who's the other mom?" "Chloe Brown Mueller." "You're going on a playdate at Chloe Brown Mueller's house?" " Yeah." " Wait a minute." "Hold up." "Chloe Brown Mueller?" "Why do you guys insist on saying her full name?" "Because..." "She's Chloe Brown Mueller." "When you meet her, you'll understand." "She's a local celebrity." "She has thousands of Instagram followers, and all of her posts are about what a perfect mommy she is." "How do you not know and despise Chloe Brown Mueller already?" "I'm not big into social media, and I actively avoid people with three names." "Plus, I've never seen her at drop-off." "That's because her housekeeper brings Penny to school." "That is terrible mothering." "My housekeeper brings my kids to school." "Yeah, but I'm friends with you." "In a town full of gossips, she's the worst." "She texted everyone about my divorce before I even knew about it... and implied that it was my fault." "It was your fault." "You cheated multiple times." "That's on her." "All of her friends are just so attractive." "So she's a little gossipy." "I can handle that." "She's also super judgmental." "She mommy-shamed me once by Instagraming my dirty car." "Ugh!" "I've been waiting for the perfect opportunity to mommy-shame her back, but the best that I found was that she doesn't recycle her yogurt containers." "The way to deal with Chloe Brown Mueller is to shut up, get in, get out." "Mm-hmm." "Hang on, back up." "You went through her garbage?" "Mm-hmm, I made a huge mess so she would think it was raccoons." "I even tore some stuff with my teeth." "Uh-huh." "Uh-huh, totally." "Hang on one sec." "And I'm back." "I totally agree, but the thing is..." "Hang on one sec." "I'm sorry." "There's like zero privacy in this house." "Hang on one sec." "Who the hell are you talking to?" "Who I talk to is none of your business." "You really do have a girlfriend, don't you?" "Taylor, I swear on my robust IRA that I do not have a girlfriend." "Fine, don't tell me the truth." "I'll find out by myself." "You're not going to find anything." "You couldn't even find your way home yesterday." "I left school from the soccer field." "I was all confused." "Important family announcement." "Stay the hell away from the minivan." "I just got it washed." "I thought you said the only way you'd wash that car is if you drove us all into a lake." "That is true." "But Anna-Kat has a playdate at the house of Westport's most judgy mom." "I'm not risking her social life by having a dusty whip." "Nice slang, Mom." "Yeah, girl." "And you ruined it." "These pies..." "They look like pies." " I did it!" " Great job, Greg." "And you didn't even hurt yourself." "Actually, I sustained some burns that aren't visible, but it'll all be worth it." "Can I get you to taste one and tell me what you think?" "I'd be happy to." "Ugh!" "That... is the worst thing I have ever smelled." "I'm turtling up." " Ohh." " It's perfect." " I was going for historical accuracy." " Ugh!" "Colonial onion pie is supposed to be awful." "Ugh!" " Come on, Anna-Kat." " Oh, God." "It's time for you playdate." " Ohh!" "Greg," " Oh!" "you've given our house permanent B.O." "Put it outside and Febreze the hell out of this place while I'm gone." " Ugh." " I..." "Remember to say "please," "excuse me," and "thank you."" "And don't use any of the words Mama screams while she's driving." "Mama, come here." "I got this." "Oh, Anna-Kat." "Roberta." "I'm so glad you and Penny finally get to play ponies together." "Come on, I'll show you to her room." "Katie." "Chloe Brown Mueller." "So nice to meet you." "Did you..." "Did we just take a picture together?" "Your daughter is adorable." "So much better than the last girl Penny brought over." "I gave that playdate one and a half stars." "Snooze." "I'm just going to smile and nod because I can't tell if she's kidding." "Hey, would you like to come in for a glass of Sancerre?" "Chloe, I'd love to learn what that is." "But I got some errands to run." "I'll be back in two to pick up Anna-Kat." "Hey, how is your friend Angela doing?" "I hear she's dating again." "Is that true?" "All right, I'm just gonna say it true." "Oh, hey." "How'd the playdate go?" "It went awesome." "Aw, that's great, sweetie." "Yay!" "Okay, how'd it really go?" "Awkward?" "A disaster?" "An awkward disaster?" "The playdate went so well with Chloe Brown Mueller that she even posted about it." "She gave it four stars." ""Life is an adventure."" "What does that mean in this context?" "Something dumb, Greg." "But I don't care." "My baby has a cool older friend." "Weird question, but does our daughter always walk around with a candlestick in her jacket?" "What the hell is that?" "Oh, no." "Oh, God." "Look on the mantel." "It's from her playdate." "She stole it?" " This is bad." " This is very bad." "Our daughter's a thief." "How did this happen?" "How did this happen?" "This is not my fault." "I steal pretzels." "It's more of a Robin Hood thing." "I take from the rich and give to the poor." "We're the poor." "Yes, you're a complex antihero." "Ugh, of all people, why did she have to steal from Chloe Brown Mueller?" "Why do you say all three names?" "I used to be you." "Yeah." "Do you think Anna-Kat stealing is related to her OCD?" "No, I think it's just regular bad-kid behavior." "We could look at it as another step forward." "So we should be proud?" "Well, not openly." "But when we look in each other's eyes, let's know it's there." "Sweetie, Mama and Daddy have something important to ask you, and you have to be honest." "Okay." "Whose candlestick is this?" "It's mine." "Are you sure?" " Yep." " Are you really sure?" "Yep." "Well, okay, then." "That usually works." "I don't know how to proceed." "Anna-Kat, we know that you're lying." "You stole this from Penny's house, didn't you?" " Yep." " Why did you do that?" "'Cause I wanted it." "And are you sorry?" "Sure." "Did you hear her voice?" "It was so calm and icy." "And those eyes..." "I don't think she blinked the entire time." " We have to do something." " I agree." "I believe the simplest solution is obviously an "Ocean's Eleven"-style con." "We sneak the candlestick back into the house... no harm, no foul." "Katie, you always plan these "Ocean's Eleven"-style cons, and they always end up more like "Ocean's Twelve."" " Well, then what do you suggest?" " I say we take the high road." "We go to Chloe's house and tell the truth." "If Chloe Brown Mueller finds out Anna-Kat's a thief, she will tell all the other moms, and then Anna-Kat will never have another playdate again." "Teaching Anna-Kat morals is way more important." "She needs to apologize in person." "She'll be embarrassed and never do it again." "And Anna-Kat will not only be the weird kid, she'll be the weird kid that steals." "She doesn't even come from a good family, Greg." "She's got nothing going for her." "You see this?" "This is me putting my foot down." "Ha!" "Was that my knee?" "Fine." "You're right." "Wait, did I just win a fight?" "Greg, don't be so surprised." "You've won almost three fights in our marriage now." "Yep, 3:00 works." "I'll meet you there." "Mystery solved." "Oliver!" "¿Cómo estás?" "Muy bien. ¿Y tú?" "What the hell is this?" "Do we have to tell the truth?" " Yeah, do we?" " Guys, we're telling the truth." "Ugh." "It's the right thing to do." "Katie!" "What a pleasant surprise." "Hi, Anna-Kat." "Oh." "Chloe Brown Mueller." "Hi, Chloe..." "Brown Mueller." " I had to say all three." " Right." "Sorry to pop by like this, but my husband and I came here to talk to you about something a little awkward." "Can we come in?" "Of course." "Come on in." "Make yourself at home." "I'm live on Facebook, and I need to wrap up." "Hey, guys, I'm back." "Now, in my opinion, what's the biggest joy of motherhood?" "Everything." "Hey, look at that." "Someone else in Westport baked a colonial onion pie." "Hello." "Hey." "It's the pie guy." " Greg." " Greg, that's right." "Folks down at the Historical Guild call you "Pie Guy," so now that's stuck in my head." " Pie Guy." "That's a cool nickname." " Yeah." "Oh, Katie, Anna-Kat, this is Stan Lawton." "He's the recording secretary of the Westport Historical Guild." "Pleasure." "And you must be Penny's new friend." "That's actually why we're here." "You see, Anna-Kat and Penny had a playdate." "And on the playdate..." "She just had the best time ever." "Oh, excuse me one second." "I'm so sorry." "I have to take this." "A business owner wants to modify a sign" " down in the historic district." " Ha." "You listen to me, you son of a bitch." "What are you doing?" " Mission abort." " Why?" "Stan is in charge of membership of the Historical Guild." "If we tell the truth, I'm never getting in." "What about apologizing?" "You'll learn your lesson later." "Now, go find Penny and play." "You had this awesome idea earlier... something about "Ocean's Eleven."" "I can't do that." "I don't have any of the stuff." "No crickets, no dry ice, no firecrackers." "I'm gonna put it back now." "Footsteps, footsteps!" "Sorry to have you wait, but if I don't get 100 likes a day, I can't sleep." "So, you wanted to talk to me about something a little awkward?" "It's awfully embarrassing." "I completely forgot to write a thank-you note for Anna-Kat's playdate this morning." "We are so sorry." "I did notice, but I didn't want to say anything." "Apology accepted." "Chloe Brown Mueller, you are a forgiving woman." "Oh." "Shall we sit?" "Even he says all three names." "I know." "We got to get them out of the room." "I don't mean to impose, but do you have anything to drink?" "Of course." "Where are my manners?" "And, Stan, I remember you saying that you had actual cannonballs used against the British at Compo Beach." " I'd love to see those." " Refreshments and cannonballs coming right up." "Roberta, we're thirsty!" "Here's the cannonball." "Okay." "Cool." "They're more round than I thought." "Yes, yes, very round." "I said the exact same thing first time I saw them." " Remember that, honey?" " It was our wedding night." "We were making love." "What do we do now?" "You know what goes great with iced tea?" "Greg's colonial onion pie." "We should all have a slice." "You know what?" "Why not?" " Okay." " Let's keep Westport's history as a leading onion producer alive, huh?" "Oh, you got the reference." "Okay, here we are." "Ta-da!" "Ohh, that smell is..." "Historically accurate." " Thank you." " Say, I have a fun idea." "What if instead of eating this gross pie, we went outside?" "That's a fantastic idea." "Ohh!" " Oh, that stinks." " Whoo!" "Dry ice would have made this so much sexier." "Even though the pie literally made Stan throw up in the birdbath, I think he really appreciated" " what I was going for." " You see?" "The low road works." "You're just one step closer to joining the Historical Guild, and Anna-Kat's reputation is safe." "We still have to deal with you, young lady." "But for now, cheers." "To the low road." "It worked, and no one got hurt." "Actually, somebody did get hurt." "Chloe Brown Mueller fired her housekeeper for stealing." " What?" " Chloe knew the candlestick was missing and suspected Roberta." "She told her if she returned it, there'd be no consequences." "But Chloe lied." "And when you two put the candlestick back," "Chloe took it as proof that Roberta stole and fired her." "Pass the salt." "How do you know all this?" "It's my business to know things." "Plus, the real headline here is you got an innocent woman fired." "Let's focus on that." "I retract my cheers." "The low road stinks." "Just like a colonial onion pie." "Hello!" "Salt, please." "This meatloaf is bland." "We can't let an innocent woman lose her job because of our lie." "Can we?" "We have to come clean and tell the truth." "Even though it means Chloe will tell everyone" "Anna-Kat's a criminal and Stan won't let you into the Historical Guild?" "Yeah, sometimes taking the high road isn't enjoyable." "It's never enjoyable." "That's why I don't take it." "There is another way." "I have certain information that can help everyone walk away a winner." "Who are you?" "And where are you getting your information?" "I know where." "Why is everyone dramatically entering." "Mom, Dad," "Oliver's dating an old Mexican lady." "I told you I'd find out the truth." " Yeah, that's not it." " Taylor." "Will somebody please put the pieces together for me like you guys do at movie night?" "I'll tell you everything if you promise not to punish me for anything I say." "Here's my counter." "If you want to continue to live under this roof or actually on the planet, you will talk now." "Okay." "Here's my counter to your counter." "I'll tell you everything." "It all started a few months ago when you bought me a defective shirt from the outlet mall." "There was nothing wrong with that shirt." "I'm telling a story here." "I was going to throw it away until I met Viv's housekeeper, Luz." "Throwing away a good shirt?" "See, the bat is askew." "I can re-stitch this in two minutes, make it good as new." "And ever since then, Luz and I have been business partners." "We buy defective shirts at the outlet mall, fix them, and sell them to kids in Norwalk for a profit." "Easy money." "Luz." "All the housekeepers in town are friends." "They hear everything that goes in the houses they work in, including Chloe's." "That's how I knew Roberta got fired." "Luz gives me all the dirt." "That's his evil smile, Greg." "This is gonna be good." "Your housekeeper didn't steal the candlestick." "Anna-Kat did." "And we are so sorry that we let the lie go on for this long." "Thank you." "And mother to mother, I promise you that Anna-Kat stealing will stay our little secret." "I appreciate that." "But we both know the second that we leave here, you're going to pick up that phone and start texting all of Westport that my daughter's a thief." "Katie, it's called freedom of the press." "Let's make a deal." "You keep your mouth shut about Anna-Kat and rehire your housekeeper, and I won't tell anyone about your dirty secrets." "What secrets?" "My life is an open book." "Does the name Natalie Ryan ring a bell?" "Oh, yeah." "I know that you were not the one who decorated this perfect home." "You hired an interior designer." "You bitch." "Your mommy blog is ghost-written" " by a general studies major at UConn." " Stop it." "And your legal name isn't Chloe Brown Mueller." "It's Wanda Wiggly." " Wigglé." " For God sakes, look what you're doing to her." "All right, fine." "Fine, you win, okay?" "I promise I won't gossip about Anna-Kat if you'll keep those lies to yourself." "Oh." "Yeah." "And Greg wants to join the stupid Historical Guild." "Is that all right with you," "Stan Lawton from Norwalk, Connecticut?" "At least now I can stop suppressing my thick Norwalk accent." "There, that's better." " Ugh." " Greg, you are officially invited to join the Historical Guild." "Yahoo-hoo-hoo!" "It was the pie that put me over the top." "Oh, and Anna-Kat and Penny still get to play together, or else I am going to tell everyone..." "I'm out of secrets." "Just think it'd be nice to get the kids together." "If you stick to it, the low road works." "Just does." "Don't touch me." "It's all right, darling." "Someone stole my ponies." "Actually, sweetie, Mommy and Daddy stole your ponies." "Why would you do that?" "!" "We wanted to show you how it feels when someone takes something away from you that's important." " How do you feel?" " It feels awful." "It sure does." "I'm never stealing again." "Now I want to return everything." "Everything?" "Pretend we never saw this and throw everything" " into the garbage." " Yeah."