"Yes, she does." "No, she doesn't." "Mommy." "Yeah?" "Who do you love more, me or Ruby?" "You're both my little angels, and I love you both the same." "Hey, girls." "Daddy, who do you love more, me or Gracie?" "Hmm." "Which one of you is gonna get me a big bowl of chips?" "I will!" "I will!" "And a beer." "Me!" "Me!" "Then I love you both the same." "(INAUDIBLE)" "JIM:" "Oh, baby!" "MAN ON TV:" "And there he is, riding in his sleigh full of toys, pulledbyeight tiny reindeer..." "Look, it's Santa Claus!" "Yeah." "It means it's officially the end of the Thanksgiving Day Parade." "And you know what that means?" "Christmas is coming!" "(LAUGHS)" "Wrong!" "It means five minutes to football!" "Yeah!" "(GRUNTS)" "(BOTH GRUNT)" "Gee!" "You guys, I'm looking for our good tablecloth." "Has anybody seen it?" "Let me answer that question with a question." "We have a good tablecloth?" "Look, Mommy, we're making a family collage of all our Thanksgivings ever." "Oh, that is so sweet!" "Oh, there's Uncle Andy, and there's Daddy and Aunt Dana." "Okay, where am I?" "There aren't any pictures of you." "Just this one where you're crying." "The year Uncle Andy sat on the turkey." "I slipped on the stuffing when Dana pushed me." "After Jim threw yams at me." "And that's why on Thanksgiving we only have soft drinks before dinner." "Yeah, you're a bummer." "You're a bummer, girl." "Boo!" "Guys, I've got to find that tablecloth." "I usually keep it in that cabinet." "It has gray piping and lace." "Oh, that one?" "I used that for the Halloween ghost up on the roof." "What?" "That's our good tablecloth?" "Well, excuse me for trying to up our status in the neighborhood." "I'd rather you just put on pants when you went to get the paper." "Hey, you don't want to see the show, don't go to the theater." "Look, can you go up there and get it for me?" "Yeah, I'd be glad to." "At halftime." "Remind me, okay, Andy?" "No, no, Jim, now." "I need to wash it." "Hey, Jim, look, the turducken." "Oh, my God, look at that." "A chicken stuffed inside a duck inside of a turkey." "I mean, if God could have been that creative." "Hey, Cheryl, you've got to make one of those for us." "CHERYL:" "Yeah, I'll get right on that." "Hey, Cheryl, do you need any help in the kitchen?" "Yes, actually." "Oh, here comes the kickoff." "All right, well, let me know if you change your mind." "Clear!" "I have to do everything around here." "(IMITATING JIM) "Why don't you make a turducken, Cheryl?" ""Shove a duck inside the turkey."" "Yeah." "I know where I'd like to shove a duck." "(DOG BARKING)" "Oh!" "Oh, damn!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "(ALL CHEERING)" "Jim!" "Jim!" "Oh, Jim!" "(ALL CHEERING)" "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!" "(SHIVERS)" "...578, 579..." "Wow." "A lot of shingles up here." "(SIGHS) Where was I?" "One, two..." "ANNOUNCER:  55-yard line." "Come on." "Come on." "Thekickis up ." "ANNOUNCER:" "And... (STATIC CRACKLING)" "What?" "No!" "What happened?" "Ah, it's that stupid dish!" "Well, what do you expect?" "You bought it at a yard sale for $3!" "I'll have you know the price included a large bottle of vitamins for the girls." "(STOMPING OVERHEAD)" "You know, I hate to even think something like this, but you think this is the year the turkeys fight back?" "JIM:" "What?" "Daddy, it's Santa!" "Honey, it's Thanksgiving." "Think it through." "CHERYL:" "Jim!" "Oh, my God!" "They know your name." "Oh, calm down." "Come on!" "Hey." "You want some more tea, warm you up?" "No." "No, thank you, honey." "I've got my rage to keep me warm." "And that cute little button nose of yours." "Where was all this attention when I was stuck on the roof for 45 minutes?" "Well, the satellite dish hadn't gone out yet." "Ah!" "Oh, come on, I'm joking." "I'm trying to heal through laughter here." "Was the message of  Patch Adams completely lost on you?" "Come on, lighten up." "You know, when a person is stuck on a freezing cold roof, she gets to thinking." "Mmm-hmm?" "You know why I'm not in any of those pictures?" "Because I'm always stuck in here in the kitchen, and dinner's practically over by the time I make it out there for the last piece of cold turkey and one glass of wine." "One?" "I'm serious." "This happens every holiday." "You do nothing, and I work my butt off." "We each do what we do best." "Come on." "That's the tradition." "Yeah, well, maybe it's time for a change." "What are you talking about?" "You can't change tradition." "I mean, what's Fourth of July without setting off cherry bombs?" "What's Halloween without...setting off cherry bombs?" "All I know is this holiday's supposed to be about giving thanks, and nobody bothers to thank me." "Where is this all coming from?" "Are they filling your head full of stuff at the beauty parlor?" "Oh." "Hold your applause." "I just saved Thanksgiving." "The dish is fixed, and the game's back on." "Ah, good man!" "And now we're getting the Spanish feed." "The  Leones are up by siete and  los Packers are at  mediocampo." "Yeah, um, we're gonna need fresh cranberries." "These aren't going to get it done." "Oh." "Oh, hey, since you're going to the store, can you hit the ATM?" "I could use some cash." "And a loan." "Wait, wait!" "Did it ever occur to you guys that you could do any of this stuff yourselves?" "No, no, because you just expect me to do it." "Well, I'm sick of it!" "Hey, how about, "Thanks for fixing the satellite, Andy"?" "Ah!" "All right, all right, hold on a second." "You know what?" "Cheryl has a point here." "I'll tell you what." "You take the rest of the day off." "We'll do everything else." "Yeah, right." "Yeah, no, new tradition." "We'll cook everything while you sit on your fat ass." "That came out..." "That came out..." "That was so wrong, what I just said." "Listen, you know what it really is?" "You won't have to lift a finger." "Huh?" "Wow." "Come on." "A holiday where I don't have to work?" "Uh-huh." "Don't know what I'd do." "Well, the first thing you do is get out of here, okay?" "Second thing is you pour into that bathtub whatever it is that makes you so damn soft." "Yeah, but..." "No, no, no." "Go on." "Go on." "Have fun." "We love you." "You're the best." "Don't worry about us." "Bye-bye." "Are you out of your freakin' mind?" "What?" "We're gonna cook dinner?" "What are we gonna have, oatmeal and beer?" "Just relax." "Relax, okay?" "Nobody's going to do any cooking here." "The only thing we're making is the empty gesture." "An empty gesture?" "An empty gesture." "You guys, okay, you know, the turkey has to cook 20 minutes for every pound, and if you don't cook it right, we're all gonna get sick and die." "I know." "I know." "I know." "And Kyle only eats waffles." "I got it." "I got it." "Go on." "Go on." "Go on." "Go on." "Go on." "Get in that bathtub, girl." "Yay, Cheryl!" "Attagirl." "Attagirl." "You see that?" "She is such a control freak about the holiday dinners." "She'll be down here before you know it to take over everything." "But since we heard her feelings, we made the offer, we made the gesture..." "Ah!" "We get the credit, but we ain't got to do the work." "Oh, no, wait." "You guys, I don't feel right about this." "Fine." "You pull the guts out of the turkey." "I'm over it." "What are you doing?" "I'm making a mess, so Cheryl thinks we're doing a terrible job so she'll come down and take over." "I cover this in my empty gesture seminar." "I'd like to take that." "Really?" "Not at all." "See?" "I'm a quick learner." "Very good." "Very good." "(SNICKERING)" "All right, Cheryl's lying in bed, reading a chick magazine." "Oh, great." "There's another relationship quiz I'm gonna fail." "Okay, okay, so, what's next?" "Okay, what we do now is we wait for her to come down, see what a terrible decision it was for her to let us do this, and she'll take over." "Okay, so how do we get her down here?" "Observe." "Hey, guys, come on." "Let's make the turkey now!" "Oh, yeah, let's put the oven up to 500." "It'll cook in no time." "(POTS BANGING)" "(COUGHS)" "Sorry, I coughed on it!" "Ah, don't worry." "We'll just wipe it off." "Cheryl will never know!" "All right, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right!" "All right, come on." "All right, the trap is set." "Let's wait for the mouse." "(BOTH CHUCKLE)" "Hey, if this works, we can make it to the park in time for the touch football game." "Andy, "when it works." "When."" "Hey, girls, you want to go to the park with Daddy and watch him play some football?" "Pass." "Wow, that kind of attitude with Christmas just being a month away..." "Are you sure you want to play it like that?" "Attagirl!" "Good." "Good boy." "You better hustle, too, Kyle." "(LAUGHING)" "Shh!" "I heard something!" "Wait, wait." "(GASPS) She's in the kitchen." "(GASPS)" "Snap!" "The trap has sprung!" "Now all I need to do is to pry that bar off her lifeless body..." "I'll just go check, see how she's doing." "Honey, honey." "Sweetie, sweetie." "Hi." "How are you doing?" "Great." "You need any help?" "No, I'm fine." "You sure?" "Yeah, I'm good." "I knew you would be." "I love you, honey." "Oh, I love you, too, sweetie." "DANA:" "So?" "So, let's go play some football." "You sure Cheryl's cool with it?" "She took the turkey out of the refrigerator, and she said twice that she didn't need my help, and also, she called me "honey."" "I bow to the master." "I can't find my mittens." "That's okay, honey." "You can hold Daddy's coffee." "Come on, girls." "Honey..." "Oh!" "Honey." "Way to go, girls." "Way to hold it." "Now go inside and go to the bathroom." "Come on." "Why couldn't we use the bathroom at the park?" "Because you're old enough to read the bad words now." "Go on." "Oh, hey, hey, hey." "Just a minute to enjoy the smell of Cheryl's turkey." "(ALL INHALE)" "I don't smell turkey." "I only smell you two." "Uh-oh." "(GASPS)" "She didn't do a damn thing!" "Dana, go see if Cheryl's okay." "Oh!" "(GASPS)" "You said she was going to put the turkey in the oven." "I know." "But she didn't." "I know." "So you were wrong." "I know!" "She's sound asleep!" "What?" "What are we going to do?" "There's no dinner!" "We listened to you, and now we're gonna get it!" "Just relax." "Relax, will you?" "We got a whole hour before dinner." "Have you lost your mind?" "You can't cook a 20-pound bird in an hour!" "Oh, you've ruined Thanksgiving!" "And I'm an accomplice." "Have a good life." "Hold it." "Hold it." "Hold it right there!" "Whoa!" "You're not going anywhere." "Look, nobody needs to get wet." "All we have to do is call up a restaurant and get takeout." "It's Thanksgiving." "Restaurants take their orders weeks in advance." "You're not going to find turkey or trimmings anywhere!" "Well, I don't hear anything better coming out of your pie hole!" "Well, looks we all have something in common with the pilgrims, 'cause we're dead!" "All right, all right!" "Hold it!" "Ye of little faith," "I can fix it." "I know where we can go to get exactly what we need." "Oh, happy Thanksgiving." "Oh, thank you." "Look at this beautiful family." "Thank you." "Oh, if your wife wants to take the children over there, we have a table where they can color." "Oh, we're not married." "We don't judge." "No, but I do, and I don't want anyone thinking I'm married to him." "Please, take a plate." "Help yourselves." "Oh..." "Don't mind if I do." "Thank you." "Canned cranberries?" "Doesn't anyone make fresh anymore?" "Andy, stop it." "Well, look!" "Stop it!" "Listen, Sister, um, actually, we're here to make a donation." "According to the letters that I keep getting from you guys, four bucks buys a meal for the needy, right?" "Yes, that's correct." "Well, we would like to give you enough for 20 meals." "Oh, bless you." "And we'll take seven to go." "What?" "This isn't a restaurant." "No kidding." "The location's terrible." "There's a crack house right down the street." "Okay, listen." "I didn't want to have to come to this, but I'm pretty tight with the health department." "I got a fake mouse in my pocket." "What?" "In one call, I could have this place shut down!" "Oh, you are blocking the line!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Move!" "Move with your fake mouse!" "Move!" "Move!" "What the hell?" "(GASPS)" "That was a tough little penguin, huh?" "Hey, if you want some food, I'll sell you mine." "I can just get another plate." "Really?" "Yeah, and, uh, I'll talk to some of my buddies, and if you got enough money, you can get all you want." "Deal." "Deal." "That sounds great." "What's your name?" "Barbra Streisand." "See?" "You should be more like Barbra Streisand." "He finds solutions, not problems." "Nice job holding on to the food, Andy." "Don't blame me." "You're the one that slammed on the brakes!" "She screamed, "Squirrel," and grabbed me!" "Well, it darted out, and it looked pregnant." "It was a paper bag!" "All right, we're just going to tell Cheryl that there's no Thanksgiving because..." "She slept all the way through it!" "Everyone onboard?" "It's Friday." "Wow." "I bet there's a story with that." "Yes, there is." "Does it involve pirates?" "It could." "Ah." "All right, kids, let's go." "Wait a minute." "Wait a minute." "Where are you going?" "Well, I took it for granted that you would take me for granted, so while you were giving me the day off," "I made a dinner reservation at The Whitsett." "Oh!" "Oh, Cheryl." "The Whitsett, that's perfect!" "All right, give us 10 minutes to get cleaned up." "Yeah, you know, I can give you all day, 'cause I just made a reservation for me and the kids." "So, you girls ready for some turkey?" "Mommy, I met Barbra Streisand." "He's really tall." "(STAMMERING) This isn't happening!" "No." "No, it isn't." "I know that woman." "This is the Cherylized version of the empty gesture." "It's called The Harmless Threat." "(JIM LAUGHING)" "(CAR ENGINE STARTS)" "She started the car." "It's a bluff!" "Down the driveway." "She'll be back!" "And there she goes!" "Nice try, Cheryl, but that reservation at the restaurant is for all of us, and she won't start eating till we get there." "(SIGHS) Excuse me." "I'm sorry." "Hi." "Could you please..." "Oh!" "Can't believe it." "Yeah." "Fresh cranberry sauce at every table." "I wish I had someone else to blame for this." "But it's just you two!" "What?" "Us?" "If you'd just gotten that tablecloth off the roof, we wouldn't even be here." "Yeah." "Yeah, I'd be on the couch right now, my pants open, sick to my stomach, and eating pumpkin pie." "I wouldn't even be wearing pants." "Hey." "Okay, trying to prove a point wasn't as much fun as I thought it would be." "Does this mean we can come in and eat?" "Well..." "That's a yes." "Go!" "So..." "So..." "You coming?" "Yeah." "In a second." "You know, I got to tell you, Cheryl, that was really weird." "What?" "Well, just staring at you through the window there." "You're sitting at that table with all the kids without me." "Yeah?" "Yeah, it was just kinda..." "I got this feeling that, you know," "I was, uh..." "Lonely?" "Yeah, I felt lonely." "Yeah." "Well, honey, that's how I feel every Thanksgiving." "I spend the day alone." "I mean, I hear laughter coming from the other room." "I don't know what it's about." "I spend an hour up on the roof, and nobody notices." "Forty-five minutes." "Don't milk it." "Oh." "Come here." "Come on, if you're in the kitchen and you're feeling lonely," "I got a crazy idea." "Why don't you come in the living room?" "I can't cook dinner from the living room, even with those giant extendable forks you got me." "Ah, the best anniversary gift ever." "Oh..." "Don't even argue with me." "Jim, come on!" "Okay, okay, Cheryl." "Cheryl." "Cheryl, come on." "Come on." "It's Thanksgiving." "I don't want you to feel unappreciated." "I don't want you to feel lonely." "But you've got to cook." "I mean, it's Thanksgiving." "I mean, what's Thanksgiving without your lumpy gravy?" "(CHUCKLING)" "Well, okay, how about this?" "What if you guys bring the small TV into the kitchen and watch football while I cook?" "Big TV." "Will you talk to me?" "Commercials?" "And halftime." "Deal." "Aw..." "Honey, you know what?" "What?" "Next year, I really want to be in some of the pictures." "Why wait till next year?" "Here." "Ah!" "You and me." "Say, "Happy Thanksgiving."" "Happy..."