"All new planes..." "Congratulation Mr. Avery." "You're in the system, you're good to go, so by next week." "I can't come next week, I have a business prospects elsewhere." "Oh, good for you, sir." "Are you going to go work at another FedEx?" "Should go to window seven..." "In here." "Is everything ready?" "It's $3,000, as discussed." "The exact name you asked for." "It's not a real..." "I mean, these numbers belong to a real human being?" "Arthur J. Newman, born Tulsa, Oklahoma, 1964." "Died Visalia, California, 2010." "A real human being." "Good luck, Mr. Newman." "I already did the mustard." "By the way, did I mention I'm going camping this weekend?" "Talbot Island State Park." "well, it's right on the beach, about 16 miles from" "Jacksonville proper." "No, you didn't." "Well, it was more or less a spur of the moment decision." "You see, I was thinking what is the most economical vacation that I... that we could take... on my limited budget and, well, it dawned on me I used to be a Boy Scout leader, and I had a tent, and a" "sleeping bad, and... well, actually, I didn't think you'd want to come, what with the sand, sea creatures, and... like I said, it was more or less a spur of the moment decision." "Thanks for the hot dog, Wallace." "I got to go back to work." "This is Arthur J. Newman calling in reference to the 380SL convertible I'll be purchasing tomorrow." "I was hoping I could come in at... at 9 AM instead." "I have an important business meeting tomorrow, and I was hoping..." "No problem." "I'll see you at noon." "Thank you very much." "Hey." "We saw you spying on us again last night." "I just came by to say I was going to Talbot Island State" "Park today." "Campground on a beach near, uh, Jacksonville." "Anyway, I brought you a gift." "Just 'cause, uh..." "Hey, I'm Arthur Newman." "Uh, how's it going?" "How's life treatin' you, friend?" "I'm Arthur Newman!" "Hey, there!" "Yep." "Yep, it's Arthur New..." "Yep, it's Arthur Newman." "That's me." "I don't have a permanent address yet, friend, but as soon as I get one, I'll mail it to you so your form is complete." "Good." "Excuse me." "I do not choose to partake of pornography, sir." "This is an extremely inappropriate subject matter for public venue." "OK." "Get out of the car, miss!" "You stole my car, you fuckin' crazy bitch!" "We're going to have to get you out of there, now!" "Whoa!" "God!" "I know my rights!" "I have a college education!" "Uh!" "Uh oh, here's trouble." "Just call your wife, see if she wants her car back!" "I just borrowed it!" "Show's over." "Everybody go home." "Yeah." "My ex-husband." "Actually, spying." "You know what's crazy?" "When we were married, he avoided Kevin like the plague." "Well, and now... it's a strange way to feel connected." "You know what's so sad about it?" "He was kind of great once." "Good times!" "Yeah, good times!" "I want to have some good times!" "I like 'em fat, I like 'em tall, I like them stubby, I like them all." "I like them stubby." "Hello?" "Are you OK?" "Show's over." "Go home." "Um..." "Don't touch me." "OK." "You need to see a doctor." "Don't touch me." "I'm going to try to help you, OK?" "I won't touch you." "I won't use my hands." "You lift your arms up, like this, up." "Put your arm around my neck." "That way I can life you up using my own body weight." "No contact whatsoever with my hands." "Can you do that?" "Put your arm around my neck." "OK?" "There, good job." "No hands." "OK, now, give me your..." "give me your other arm." "OK, ready?" "I can feel your hand." "My name is Arthur Newman." "Arthur J. Newman." "Driver's license, Social Security, any form of ID." "Are you Michaela Fitzgerald?" "They need to know your name." "Are you Mic... are you Michaela Fitzgerald without peroxide?" "Call me Mike." "How's life treating you?" "No complaints." "Yeah, that's what we like to hear." "Hey, just out of curiosity, did you happen to hear about a car theft around here this evening?" "Woman allegedly stole a Chevy?" "You just admitted the gal." "Actually, I..." "I'm just going a good deed." "I don't know her." "The guy with the Chevy didn't know her either." "Picked her up at the Beach Comber, took her" "Had to drop the charges when the old Mustang Sally fixed to call his wife from jail." "Mr. Arthur Newman?" "Overdosed on what?" "It's a morphine-based cough syrup, very powerful narcotic." "She drank two bottles of it." "When I asked her why, she said she had a bad cough." "We're cleaning her our with an intravenous feed." "She should be fine in the morning." "Cough syrup?" "She's in there." "Hey now, don't you look sharp as a tack?" "In case you don't remember, I'm Arthur." "I brought you here." "Did I have sex with you?" "No." "Absolutely not." "Anyway, I just can't buy to..." "Don't leave me alone." "...how you were getting along." "Stay here with me." "And then take me with you in the morning when the sun is shining." "Please?" "OK, OK." "I'll stay." "For a while." "I'm not asleep yet." "Hello, Mike." "Well, maybe you don't remember me." "I'm Arthur." "Arthur J. Newman." "And I..." "I saved you." "Well, I..." "I helped you." "You said you'd stay." "You left." "Where would you like me to take you?" "Should I put the top up?" "No." "Would you like a hot dog or nachos?" "No." "OK." "Forgot something." "Is that where you hide your money?" "I'm not hiding anything, Mike." "Arthur?" "Yes, Mike?" "What's your story?" "My story?" "What kind of a human being am I?" "I mean, what's your story." "I'm a golf pro." "You mean... you're no Tiger Woods." "Actually, Mike, I've won quite a few prestigious" "But to tell you the truth, life on the road is wearing me down, so I'm taking a gig." "Resident pro at a course in Terre Haute, Indiana." "Were are you going, anyway?" "I don't know." "Would you like a ride to Terre Haute?" "No, I wouldn't." "Where are the real hot dogs?" "Um, we don't have them anymore." "Just the tofu dogs." "How is that possible?" "Not all of us want the healthy alternative." "Look, Mike, tofu dogs." "Because I choose to be health-conscious." "I got you a small token." "Thank you, Wallace." "I love alligators." "It's my pleasure." "What did you call me?" "Wallace." "Wallace Avery, right?" "I found it in the side pocket of your golf bag." "The trunk was locked." "I locked it." "I used to work at Lock  Key." "I was really good." "You know, on second thought, I think I will ride to Terre Haute with you." "Payments." "Yes, this is Ms. Mina Crawley." "Yes, I do know a Mr. Wallace Avery, and you can tell him that I took the bus to work this morning." "Park what?" "What are you saying to me?" "Look, so you're phony." "What's the big deal?" "One-way ticket to Durham, North Carolina, please." "I saw it in your driver's license." "That's... that's not my..." "look, I hate Durham!" "Does the lady want her ticket or not?" "I reject the ticket!" "Get your hands off me!" "I reject the ticket!" "I feel dizzy." "You're fine!" "My hands are numb." "I got a sick man here." "Is anybody a doctor?" "Wait, wait." "Hang on here, now." "He just started convulsing or something." "Who can help him?" "Someone's got to help him." "Uh, I..." "I can't, um..." "I don't know how to... somebody!" "Thanks for trying." "Who is he?" "John Doe." "Can't find an ID on him." "Poor guy." "What a way to go." "Well, thanks for trying, anyways." "What is wrong with you?" "Poor John Doe, what a way to go, poor John Doe." "It's not funny." "Oh, please don't make me get on that bus, Wallace." "That was a very funny joke, Wallace." "Getting lost on Talbot Island." "Ha ha ha." "Wallace?" "You can come out now." "I can't sleep in my room." "What are you doing?" "See my glasses?" "I thought I left..." "I thought I left them..." "No." "His hands were all calloused." "Especially his left hand, around the wedding ring." "How do you know that?" "Because I held his hand." "By the way, that was very kind of you, Mike." "Same guy." "Wallace Avery." "How's life treatin' you?" "Keep the change." "Who are you?" "I mean, really?" "I guess I've always been Arthur Newman." "Wife just forced another individual on me." "Wallace Avery was such a nothing?" "Actually, Mike, Wallace Avery was manager of a large, multinational corporation." "What, like Blackwater or evil empire..." "No, Federal Express." "Well, I ran a branch in Orlando." "Well, I was floor manager." "Oh, Jesus!" "No wonder you want to be Arthur Newman." "Why the gold angle?" "I just happen to be a very good golfer." "Last spring at Diamondback Golf Club, I observed a gentleman taking practice shots." "He had some serious issues with his swing, and I offered him some, quite frankly, valuable advise." "And the next thing I know, this gentleman grabs me on the 16th fairway and he says, "Sir, you are a godsend." "I'm shooting like my old self again. " And he tells me he owns a private golf club in Terre Haute, Indiana, and I am welcome there any time." "Well, that moment, Mike, I had an epiphany." ""Sir," I said, "My name is Arthur Newman. "" "It just popped out of my mouth." ""And I have recently returned stateside after 15 years abroad on Asian tours," and did he need a teaching pro, I asked him." "He shook my hand, and he said, "Arthur, consider yourself hired." "I'll see you in Terre Haute next summer. "" "So you just ditched Wallace Avery for a total stranger's half-baked promise?" "How very good are you?" "See that tractor?" "I'm going to hit it." "Huh!" "Cool!" "See the truck?" "Oh!" "Can I ask you a personal question?" "I don't know, can you?" "Where you going to go after we get to" "Terre Haute?" "I don't know." "I guess..." "Don't you have a place?" "You know, a..." "A, I a home owner?" "Don't you have, you know, a family?" "No, not really." "No dad?" "No." "Mom?" "Killed herself." "I'm so sorry." "You have siblings?" "I have a twin sister in a loony bin, Arthur." "I put her there for the fourth time right before I met you." "So you see, I really don't have that much family." "Twin sister?" "As an identical twin sister?" "Good night, Arthur." "By any chance, does your twin sister have short, blond hair?" "Lives in Durham, and you're carrying her driver's license?" "You really think you're the only person walking around with someone else's ID?" "How is this possible?" "I mean, you both... we're both... is this why you agreed to come with me?" "Look, don't think this makes us any closer, OK?" "So..." "Who are you?" "what's your name?" "Hey... so sorry." "My questions upset you, Mike?" "My name is Charlotte." "Kevin, over here!" "Watch me!" "Over here!" "Watch me!" "Fuck off, Jamie!" "Nice trip, dumb ass!" "There's someone here who'd like to speak with you about your father." "This is Mina Crawley." "She is a friend of Wallace's." "I'm a dear, dear friend of your dad's." "He... he spoke so much about you." "It's a genuine pleasure to... you do resemble him here." "Your father went camping five days ago and he hasn't returned." "At Talbot State Park at, um... at the ocean." "The Atlantic Ocean." "The police are searching for him, but so far, they have found nothing, and they've..." "Crawley they're very concerned." "Yeah, well, nice to meet you, I guess." "Hey, Charlotte!" "Charlotte!" "Why are you standing in the middle of the street, Arthur?" "I thought you'd..." "Look." "OK!" "Come on, Arthur!" "Let's follow them!" "Why don't we just return the veil and get out of here?" "Oh, they're leaving." "Let's just give it to them." "No, no, no." "Wait, wait." "They're going on their honeymoon, Arthur!" "Oh, that's very exciting." "They are seniors, Mike." "I'm not sure "exciting" is the..." "Shhh." "Mike." "Mike, I don't like this." "Mike, what we're doing is returning the veil." "Why don't you just... just leave it on the porch?" "Shh!" "Mike?" "Mike, just set it on the kitchen table and... and get out of there." "Mike?" "Mike, what are you doing?" "Get down here!" "Mike." "Right now!" "Eugene, git on up here and act like a husband." "Now, that is... inappro... take that thing off right now." "You take it off." "It's your honeymoon." "Come 'ere, Gene." "Lie down beside me." "Mike, cut it out, really." "It's... it's wrong." "Wrong?" "Is love wrong on our weddin' day?" "It's not what I... what I mean is, is pretending to be..." "We deserve to be happy, Eugene." "I'm not Eugene and you're not..." "I know." "Let me be your joy, Eugene." "Take my love, all of it." "You'll be my happiness, too." "Come 'ere, husband." "Can I be myself, please?" "Oh, what the hell?" "Just skooch over." "First thing I'm gonna do in the AM is I'm going to take down those photos by the stairs, and I'm gonna put up one great, big, life size picture of you." "Use the whole, the whole house, whole universe, just to glorify you." "Love you, you know that?" "Like the stars love the night sky." "Turn over." "Sweet savior, you are beautiful." "Kevin." "Do you live here?" "Uh, no." "Or technically, no, I don't." "I've spent a... a lot of time here, a great deal of time" "Some wonderful time." "What were you doing?" "Me?" "Uh..." "I was having some toast." "Oh, my..." "Excuse me." "I have to go to work." "I've never been here before." "Oh?" "He thought if he built a shrine to me, he could make up for being such a shitty dad." "Did it ever occur to him I grew up?" "Oh, my goodness." "Uh..." "You think he's dead?" "I don't know." "Charlotte?" "What if we..." "Call me Mike." "Come on, come on!" "Where have you been all night?" "Kevin?" "Stay with me, Mike, in Terre Haute." "We both want the same things." "We both need..." "Live with me." "You can be Michaela." "I can be Arthur." "We can both have the lives we want." "Finally." "What do you say?" "The water pressure here is superb." "My mom was a paranoid schizophrenic, Arthur." "And so was my sister." "You can't understand how scary that is." "How can I live with anyone?" "I'm a genetic time bomb." "I hear that duck quack, and I know it's a duck." "But sooner or later, it's going to be ducks sending me secret messages, telling me..." "When will it be over?" "When will I stop being me?" "Who says you will?" "Statistics." "Someone with my family history..." "You're not a statistic, Mike." "You're a person who can't defend herself against her worst feelings." "You feel the things most of us run away from, the things most of us are just too bottled up to feel." "Now do I have to have sex with you?" "Because I really don't want to." "It's all right, it's OK." "I can't get these sons of bitches out." "Will you help me, Arthur?" "Use the brush." "No, the brush will hurt you." "I need to use my hands." "OK, go ahead." "Just be..." "Careful, I know." "Did you have any kids, Arthur?" "I mean, did Wallace have kids?" "No, none." "Arthur Newman world." "Yes, we have golf communities all around the United States," "Let's check it out." "Come on, Arthur, these are your peeps." "Come on, you can go now." "What's the matter?" "I just feel a little dizzy." "I just..." "I think I need..." "You need a hot dog." "A pirate goes into the bar, and the bartender says, "Hey, buddy, you got a steering wheel in" "And the pirate says, "Aye." "driving me nuts. "" "Did you ever win a trophy like that, Arthur?" "How many?" "Like a few?" "A lot?" "A lot, a lot, or just a lot." "A lot, a lot, I guess." "How come such a hot shot had to end up working at a FedEx, then?" "Arthur?" "He's choking!" "Arthur?" "He's choking!" "He's choking!" "Another rough day for Wallace Avery." "He was an outstanding amateur but can't seem to catch a break since joining the PGA Tour." "I know, Frank." "Looks like this once promising player can't handle the big time." "Right on cue." "Nice job, Larry!" "I don't know if I can pull this off, Mike." "Pull what off?" "Arthur Newman." "Of course you can." "Just look at him." "Hey, you want to shoot a little pool?" "Oh, Jesus, you are hot." "Come here, sexy." "Oh, look what you have done." "You know, I have to say, Mike, you really are an excellent mimic." "Mike is man." "I am Ludmilla." "Shit!" "Oh!" "Ow!" "Times you did that." "Ludmilla!" "No." "No!" "Golf." "It's a mental game, a mental component." "That was lacking." "Serious choking problem." "Sorry to hear he's dead, though." "Yeah, really sorry." "You can almost see Avery's mind hijack his instincts." "It's hard to watch a guy get in his own way over and over again like this." "Just a mental train wreck." "Welcome to Terre Haute Country Club." "Thank you." "Hello there, April." "We're looking for the owner, Chuck Willoughby." "Unfortunately, Mr. Willoughby has gone home for tonight, but" "I could call him?" "Don't bother, April." "We'll be back in the morning." "Do you want a dirty martini with two olives?" "I'll have a martini with four olives." "Four?" "OK." "Should I, uh... should I call you my wife, my girlfriend, or my fiance?" "Your whore." "There's something I'd like to teach you to do for me, Mike." "Golf." "This... this is a putter." " Oh!" " It's for... putting." "Now the most important thing is a light touch, extremely light touch on the club, like you're holding a bird in the palm of your hand." "Your were..." "I mean, Wallace Avery... were married, weren't you?" "Now, just tuck... tuck your fingers together like so." "What was she like, the wife?" "There you go." "Good job!" "She a golfer?" "Did you teach her how to tuck her fingers in, too?" "Bend your knees a little." "Bend your knees." "Keep some spring in them." "Did you love her a lot, Arthur?" "Why no kids, huh?" "Is there something wrong with you?" "Will you stick to the matter in hand?" "What's the big deal?" "I told you all about the insanity in my family, so what's a little infertility?" "There's nothing wrong with me, Mike." "Maybe you have extremely weak sperm." "My sperm's fine, thank you." "You should probably get it tested." "I think Wallace Avery is in serious denial about his..." "I have a son." "All right?" "There's nothing wrong with me." "Arthur, I..." "Big whoop, you have a son." "Why is that such a big secret?" "Arthur?" "Uh..." "Chuck." "Diamond Back." "Yes, it's actually me, Arthur Newman." "We were told you went home." "We were getting soused at a bar down the road." "Well, so were we." "Your wonderful bar." "By the way, this is Michaela Fitzgerald." "Whore." " Hi." " Hi." "Beautiful, beautiful." "Remember that guy I told you about, Gary?" "The pro?" "Diamond Back?" "I'm going to hire him, work here, remember?" "Well, anyway, we're all systems go, and then I Google him and find out there's no such fucking pro ever worked the Asian circuits called Arthur Newman." "And here he is." "With a whore." "Fuckin' beautiful!" "What am I going to do, Gary?" "What am I going to do with this liar?" "Call the police?" "I don't feel like talking right now, Mike." "What are you watching?" "The History Channel." "Do you want to sit down?" "Sure." "I read that how you rate your life questionnaire my dad filled out." "You did?" "Yeah." "You know, he didn't... he didn't rate you very high." "Yeah, I know." "But you got a 10." "Guess that makes you happy." "He's full of shit." "You know that, right?" "I mean, when I needed him, I got zero." "And now that I don't give a shit, I'm a 10?" "I mean, fuck him." "Kevin His name's Kevin." "He's 13." "He was 6 when my wife left me." "She said I spend more time with the cat than" "I did with my kid." "Golf was the excuse." "If I'm honest, the reason I stayed away was..." "You hear about that overpowering rush of love a parent feels for their kid?" "Well, for me, it was..." "You don't have to do this, Arthur." "I really don't need to know." "Drip, drip, drip." "I couldn't feel the big ones." "The stuff that runs deep, I couldn't... so when you ask is there something wrong with me, yeah." "That was then." "Arthur, look at you now." "Do you miss Michaela?" "No." "Think she misses you?" "No." "Who takes care of her?" "Nurses and doctors, professionals, whatever." "I mean, who takes care of her when she's not in the hospital?" "She's a grown woman." "She can take care of herself." "So it's obviously not you." "Me?" "How am I supposed to take care of a lunatic?" "Look at me." "Practically certifiable myself." "Just look at me." "I'm looking at your back." "It's just an act, isn't it?" "To avoid responsibility?" "For yourself, for your sister." "For all the selfish things you do." "Shut the fuck up." "The elusive species that I hope to get was the oceanic white tip, which is considered the fourth most dangerous species of shark..." "I think I'm going to go to bed now." "Of course." " Good night." " Good night." "This is your wakeup call, sir." "Checkout time is 11:00 AM." "Thank you." "Wake up, Mike." "I won't be checking out today." "Mr. Newman?" "It's the police." "Please open the door." "Do you know a woman named Charlotte Fitzgerald?" "I'd just like to point out you haven't read me my rights." "I'd like to be given the respect due to a lawful citizen." "You're not under arrest, Mr. Newman." "I'm not?" "We just want to ask you some questions about Miss." "Fitzgerald." "Is she... something happen to her?" "She's in jail." "What for?" "Pick pocketing, down at the mall." "When we arrested her, we found $29,000 and change in her knapsack along with other things." "She says it belongs to you and she stole it." "Points for honesty, right?" "Do you want to press charges?" "I gave her the money." "Mr. Newman, no one gives a perfect stranger 30 grand." "This is not a perfect stranger." "I have feelings for her." "Deep feelings, matter of fact." "You have feelings for a klepto, mister." "Do you know an Owen Hadley?" "No." "How about these people?" "No." "I don't suppose you, uh, know Beauregard Tully, either?" "I, um... no." "Excuse me." "How much is her bail?" " Good morning." " Good morning." "Do you want some toast?" "Why do you wear a bra under your nightgown?" "I have some toast, and I have, uh, jam and honey." "What kind of jam?" "Strawberry." "Jam, I guess." "Did you and my dad have a lot of sex in this apartment." "Uh, that's a personal question!" "I... me to answer, Kevin." "OK." "Well, didn't you think he was kind of boring?" "Focus on the positive." "You're dad was..." "Come on, Mina." "OK, he was incredibly boring." "I mean, the lectures." "Boring does not..." "I love him, though." "I love him." "Yeah." "It's a lot easier to love a dead man, isn't it?" "I'm going to try and justify what I did." "That's good." "Neither am I." "Broke into people's houses, ate their food, wore their clothes, slept in their beds." "But I didn't erase a man's life." "That I didn't do." "You take it." "Did you even bother to learn his name?" "Just take a look at that stuff in there." "It tells you a little story." "His name is Beauregard Tully." "Lived in Newport News, Virginia." "He drove a truck for Walmart." "He was diabetic, went to Alcoholics Anonymous." "He had two kids, John and Matt." "He had a wife, Rosita." "They were married 23 years." "You Rosita Tully?" "Yes, I am." "This is Charlotte Fitzgerald." "We need to talk to you about your husband, Beauregard." "Coming in?" "You know what it's like, don't you?" "Lose what you thought you didn't want." "Spend the rest your life wanting it back." "I need to go home and try and let my son know I love him." "You need to go home and see if your sister needs your help." "Family just crushes your heart, doesn't it?" "Bye, Wallace." "Don't worry, I know where to find you."