"*" "Greetings." "Greetings, humans." "Greetings, humans." "Very well." "Fantastic." "Thank you so much, you guys." "This is very exciting." "I can't believe I'm out here." "Oh, my God." "I don't know if you guys noticed, we're recording this show." "It's a very useful tool for me as a comedian to record my sets." "So I can take it home, and when I listen to my standup back, it's just..." "It helps me, um, cum, because I'm a narcissist." "I've been traveling so much just getting ready for this special, and it's been so much fun." "I've been doing dates all over the place and traveling around the country." "I enjoy..." "I love coming to New York." "It's such a great, a vibrant city." "A lot of performers here though, like..." "No, it's good." "It's good." "But it's the same thing as Los Angeles, like, there's actors everywhere." "Try to get away from them, you can't." "And acting is hilarious to me because it is the one profession that people claim as their profession having never been paid to do it ever." "Right?" "And that does not happen in any other business, where you're like, "Hey, what do you do?"" ""Oh, I'm a banker." "Really?" "Where do you bank?"" ""I'm not currently banking right now." ""Yeah, I've been studying with this dude, Bruce Schechter." ""He banked at a lot of off, off-main branch banks." "Just waiting to see what happens."" "Have you been around America before?" "Do you know what's out there?" "Have you traveled this country?" "Do you know what's in between the coasts?" "Do you know what is out there?" "Yeah, I'm gonna tell you." "Corn." "There's a lot of fucking corn." "It is a lot of corn." "Try to get away from corn." "You can't." "You can't escape it." "Corn?" "Are you kidding?" "No, you're wrong." "There's so much corn in this country." "It is America's shag carpet." "Honestly, if you were to wake up one night in a weird, irrational panic like," ""What if America runs out of corn?"" "We're fine." "It's not going anywhere." "Not going anywhere." "We have plenty of it." "In fact, if you were to look at the Earth from space," "I think it would look a lot like a piece of Crispix cereal." "Corn on one side, rice on the other." "That's what it would be." "Yep." "It's true." "Earth stays crispy in milk." "I've spent so much time in America." "I do like it." "I do." "It's interesting though, because Benjamin Franklin had this idea that the turkey should be the national bird." "He wanted the turkey to be the national bird, right?" "And instead we went with the eagle because I think the eagle is what most Americans would aspire to be, right?" "It's bold, graceful, predatory, majestic." "However, I think the turkey more accurately represents most Americans." "Bald, face meat hanging down, paunchy." "You can't tell where the fuck they're going most of the time." "They get all excited, their voice gets shrill," ""Hey, when are you guys going to go watch some NASCAR?"" ""Hey, everybody, we just saw the truck going to the Cracker Barrel!"" "Are there nerds here tonight?" "Nerds!" "Yes." "I'm so happy." "I'm so happy." "You know, when I was growing up, there was nothing cool about being a nerd." "You had to hide from people and you had to keep it inside, and now we can be out and proud about the nerdy things that we love." "Like, when I was in grade school," "I was into, like, chess club, Latin club, the DD computer camp." "Like everything that made vaginas go away," "I was way into." "And that's no longer the case anymore, right?" "I mean, like, nerds are powerful." "Like, pop culture is run by nerds." "Like, even the redneckiest of rednecks has a smartphone, a DVR, a DSLR camera, a laptop, a desktop." "Nerds make the shiny things that distract the mouth-breathers." "Like, that is why we are powerful, right?" "Like, ladies," "I will fuck you with my second-place chess trophy." "Yeah." "I have a first-place chess trophy, but the second-place has the bishop on top, and that is for you." "Mm-hmm." "Doesn't a bishop on a chess board already look like he's been shoved into someone's ass?" "He just has that like," ""Arghh!" ""Oh, God, what are you doing to me?" "I'm gonna move away from you diagonally."" "Chess was about as sporty as I got." "I never..." "Couldn't play sports, don't get sports, don't understand." "Don't try to talk to me about sports." "Like, if a guy comes up and starts spitting out stats and what happened in the most recent game, like, to me all he's saying is," ""Hey, let's punch each other in the cock" ""right after we pound these energy drinks out of a douche while we fuck our Ed Hardy t-shirts at dickhead camp."" "Uh, side note, they are now selling the Ed Hardy line at Target." "Waah, waah, waah." "* For the thrifty douche bag." "Yeah, you know, I was like," ""I want a t-shirt that lets a girl know" ""I'm gonna sexually assault her, but I don't wanna pay an arm and a leg for it."" "When someone comes up and starts yapping sports stuff at me, like, something that happened in a recent game," "I just respond to them, but I talk about Quidditch." "That's what I do." "I do." "That's how I respond, 'cause I don't know what else to say." "If guy is like, "Hey, you see that McTavish," ""he had a sprained ankle but he still ran" ""that last hundred yards for the touchdown and took the Ponies to the Super Bowl,"" "or whatever, I'm like, "Yeah, well, you know," ""Gryffindor kicked Slytherin's ass" ""after Johnson got the quaffle through the goal hoop" ""and Potter caught the golden snitch with his mouth 'cause he got 99 problems but a snitch ain't one."" "And then the guy's like," ""Quidditch isn't real," and I'm like," ""And you're never gonna play in the NFL." "Whee!"" "I love Harry Potter." "I love fantasy and sci-fi and all that." "All of it." "My favorite show growing up was Twilight Zone." "I love..." "Oh, my God, those, like..." "Those Memorial Day Twilight Zone marathons, like, I could not peel myself away from those." "I love that show so much." "Although I think the show could have been called." "Nice Try, Asshole." "Right?" "'Cause every episode was someone trying to pull some selfish shit on society, and then the harsh fist of universal karma would come crashing down and teach him a lesson." "Like, every episode could end with Rod Serling going," ""Archibald Beachcroft dreamed for a world free of people," ""but in the end it was this very freedom" ""that knitted his blanket of loneliness." "Nice try, asshole."" "You know as much as I love sci-fi and fantasy and all that stuff," "I still am baffled by the proliferation of ghost-hunting shows that have taken over cable television." "Every channel has a ghost-hunting show suggesting that there is in fact life after death." "Uh, I have a question for you, a logical one." "If there were life after death, don't you think that would make the news?" "Sure it would." "That's a news story." "You wouldn't find out about it on The Travel Channel." "That's like..." "That is front page news." "You wouldn't be able to get away from it." "We'd be freaking out." "You'd turn on CNN, it'd be like," ""This is Wolf Blitzer." ""Tonight in The Situation Room, now there's fucking ghosts!" "Run!"" "Like, someone would say something." "It wouldn't be a bunch of ex-sports bar bouncers bumbling their way through an abandoned hospital with a shaky night vision camera freaking out about everything." ""Bro, did you just blow my neck?" "My arm just got cold, bro."" ""Whoa, I just saw a thing move, bro."" ""Oh, bro, so cold, bro." "So cold, bro."" "And every ghost that they're hunting on those shows are, like, 100 years old-plus." "You ever notice that?" "There's no new ghosts." "Is the ghosthood process that red tapey that it takes about a century for the paperwork to go through?" "Like, what?" "Why?" "They always go to some manor house and a woman's like, "Well, in 1884," ""a little girl died outside in a well," ""and now at 3:00 a.m., you can hear little wet footsteps in the hallways."" "Like, you never hear them say," ""In 1984, a young man died on The Sunset Strip," ""and now at 3:00 a.m. you can hear the rattling of a chain wallet on acid wash jeans."" "As a side note, do you think Patrick Swayze now goes up behind people in pottery classes and hugs them just to crack up other ghosts?" "Hmm?" "I'm gonna take a sip of water." "We can cut this part out of the special." "Oh, my God, I can't open it." "Bottle is stronger." "Sorry." "We'll cut this part out." "* This won't be in the special *" "Edit point." "Here's a fun..." "I mean, let's be honest, you can't fuck yourself with a microphone on stage and then just be like, "Farts are weird."" "Like, you can't." "You can't do it." "Here's a fun story about technology turning against man." "Here's a fun story about that." "Some of friends of mine have a Roomba, everyone's favorite vacuum disc, and they turned Roomba on to do its job and they left their house." "While they were gone, their dog shit on the floor and Roomba tracked it all over the house." "Hardwick smash!" "Oh my God, what if I hit myself in the teeth?" "Don't think you're not getting any." ""How was the show?" "Terrible." "He fucked everything on stage."" "I do have a bit of bad news for nerds." "There is a growing contingency of hipster nerds that is threatening our very lifestyle." "Exactly!" "They don't appreciate things the way that we do." "Like, hipsters don't like things because they're awesome." "Like, if I wear a Captain Picard shirt it's 'cause I want some motherfucker to make it so." "Like, I am being literal." "You know?" "But if a hipster wears one he's like," ""Hey look, this is StarTrek." "Whatever."" "Like they don't..." "They don't appreciate things for being awesome." "Like, I honestly think hipsters eat with their assholes because they consume everything wrong." "They're terrible." "And... and... oh." "By the way, hipsters, please don't work in the service industries, please?" "You don't wanna serve us." "We don't wanna be served by you." "It's perfect, you behind the counter with your dumb curly-Q mustache up on your lip in and off itself like a shrug like," ""Nah, I don't wanna be on this guy's fucking face either." "But I can't cut myself off."" "But nerds have changed." "We evolved." "Like, there are dangerous nerds now." "When I was growing up, you were not dangerous." "You just hid from people." "But now nerds attack." "They're violent." "A couple years ago, there was a stabbing at Comic-Con in San Diego." "A stabbing over a chair at a Harry Potter panel, the way it should be." "These two guys were fighting over a chair." "So you're probably sitting there going," ""Oh, my God, Chris Hardwick, a stabbing at Comic-Con?" ""Why, from that hall on the Comic-Con floor" ""there are vendors selling broadswords" ""and Klingon battle axes" ""and maces and morning stars and war blades." ""Like, what possibly could have been the subject of this stabbing?"" "A mechanical pencil." "Whee!" "The nerd switchblade." ""That's my seat!"" ""We'll see about that, fucker!"" "Click, click, click, stab." ""Fear me, for I am The Architect." ""I shall draft thee into oblivion." "Protract compass!"" "I was not..." "I was not so..." "When I was growing up," "I got stuffed in a trash can for bringing Atari 2600 game cartridges to school." "I couldn't play them there." "I just needed them close by like some kind of nerd security blanket, right?" "'Cause Atari..." "I mean, sure kids have your Xbox now with your crazy graphics engines, but this was a gaming system where squares could shoot lines at other squares." "Gorgeous, simple, awesome, and I got beaten up for that." "So when I see some young kid walking down the street, like some hipster, 19-year-old kid wearing his Atari t-shirt when he was too young to have owned an Atari gaming system," "I just wanna grab him and be like," ""Hey listen to me, Kyle, or whatever the fuck your name is."" "Just grab him by that beard." "Just grab him and be like," ""When you see me walking down the street," ""you better salute me, because I suffered so you could be free."" "Yeah." "Nerds, the other "N" word." "I'm taking it back." "So, you know, I wanted to learn how to fight, how to defend myself, you know, because I never could when I was growing up." "So I wanted to take up boxing a few years ago so I could fuck someone up with these guns." "Uhh!" "'Cause sometimes words don't hurt enough." "Uhh!" "So..." "Hashtag "grrr."" "Hashtag "hashtagging outside of Twitter."" "So I took up boxing several years ago, guys, and now I know how to box." "So if I'm in a socially challenging situation and someone comes up to me and they're like," ""All right, pussy,"" "and then they hold up two mitts," "I could hit those mitts all day long." "Sure I could." "But if he started swinging back at me at all, there'd be a lot of crying and fear pee." "I feel like, as nerds, the only recourse most of us have is to... you have to pretend to be psychotic, right?" "You have to pretend." "'Cause listen, most nerds... white guys, serial killer age range, pasty." "It's totally plausible that we would have a stack of bodies in a shed." "You just have to come up with a good line of psychotic babble and stick to it." "It's something the animal kingdom does all the time." "You adopt the danger colors of more dangerous animals." "And so what I've done is I have purchased a large, kind of Lord of the Rings -style broadsword that I will keep tucked into the back of my pants." "If I'm walking home late at night, and someone jumps out and says like," ""I'm gonna rob you!"" "I don't know if they say it that way." "I've never been robbed." "Maybe they don't sound like an Old West prospector," ""Give me all your gold." "Gold!" "Ho, ho, gold!"" "By the way, if you are ever being robbed by an Old West prospector, you could merely slink away while he is celebrating the concept of gold, as they are wont to do." ""Hey, yippee, gold!" "Eh, hey, where'd everybody go?"" "Whatever my attacker says," "I will look him squarely in the eye and say," ""They told me you would come,"" "extract the sword, slice myself slowly across the chest and proclaim," ""The prophecy is almost complete."" ""There can be only one!"" "Then I'm gonna hop on the back of a tiger and ride away." "Yes, I am going to make a tiger my main mode of transportation." "Who would fuck with you if you are riding a tiger?" "Not a goddamn person." "You could ride a tiger through a biker rally dressed like a mermaid with a cape made out of dicks flapping in the wind, and no one would even make eye contact with you." "Are you shitting me?" "A tiger?" "How do you think He-Man got away with a pageboy haircut and a leather halter top?" "Oh, I want a tiger." "No, I want a liger, huh?" "Right?" "Remember, from Napoleon Dynamite?" "That's a real thing." "It's the bastard offspring of the lion and the tiger jumping across species lines to create an unholy third species." "There's tons of hybrid species." "Tons of them." "These animals don't choose to mate with their cousin species, mind you." "Humans make them because we have little to no respect for the sexual preferences of animals." "We just are these big dumb kids in nature's sandbox who want to point at stuff and be like, "You, fuck that."" ""I wanna see what comes out." "Ha ha ha ha."" "So there are tons of hybrid species." "There's ligers, and tigons, and zorses, and grolar bears!" "Ah, that's just really a polar bear with jungle fever, let's be honest." "It's fine." "And yet humans cannot produce viable offspring with our closest animal cousin, the chimpanzee." "We cannot impregnate a chimp." "So you know what that means?" "No condoms, fuck yeah." "Here I come, chimps." "Here I come." "I've seen you peel bananas with your feet." "I know what you're capable of." "I am on to you, chimps." "But seriously, don't fuck animals, right?" "We were having fun a second ago." "It was a joke." "Uh, please don't fuck animals." "If you take away one thing from this comedy special," "Chris Hardwick says, "Don't fuck animals."" "I mean, you can fuck your dog 'cause you own him and who's he gonna tell?" "But don't..." "You can." "You can." "You can totally fuck your dog." "You could..." "It would be fine." "Oh, my God, your dog's your buddy." "He's up for anything, whatever." "Right?" "No, hang on a second." "Wait." "If you really think about it, you know for a fact you could totally fuck your dog and a second later, he'd be like," ""What do you wanna do now?"" "I have a very weird history with animals." "Hear me out on this." "I do." "This goes back to my childhood." "I was..." "I was 11 years old, and obviously I got picked on a lot when I was growing up." "And then I saw this movie called Ben." "And Ben was all about this guy who gets this crazy rat army that, like, runs out into the night and fucks people up who wronged him." "And I'm like, "That's what I want."" "And so, you know, I asked my mom for a rat." "And she was like, "Well, I'll get you a hamster," ""'cause rats are just Ziploc bags full of disease and hamsters are like huggable rats."" "So she got me this female hamster and then, you know, a couple days later" "I ran into her room and I was like, "Mom!" "Mom!"" ""I wanna breed her to create an unholy army of hamsters to do my bidding."" "And my mom was like, "All right."" "Didn't raise any red flags for some reason, not one." "I didn't see one therapist after that." "I don't know why not." "I should have." "My mom goes, "Listen, tomorrow we'll go out"" "and we'll get her a husband."" "Because my mom was Catholic and she had those issues." "So we get this male hamster." "I get it home." "My parents are standing there." "The female hamster is in the cage." "I pull him out and I'm like," ""Look, look, it's your future wife." "Say hi."" "And he instantly ejaculated on my leg." "I don't know if you've ever had a hamster ejaculate on your leg." "But it just feels like a hot ketchup packet." "Like... pfft... and then..." "And then just pearly shame omelet right there." "And I was 11." "I had no idea what's happening." "So I go, "He white peed on me."" "And my dad was like, "That's enough."" "And then that's it." "Just snatched the hamster forcefully from my grasp, which the hamster did not appreciate at all, because you are very sensitive right after you cum." "And the hamster bit down on my dad's finger and would not let go." "It was just like a Chinese finger trap full of teeth." "So now there's blood and cum and screaming." "And my mom was like, "This is what marriage is like."" "No hamster army." "Then when I was 16, I shot a bird." "It's the worst thing I've ever done in my life." "I shot a bird, and it was horrible." "My friend had a pellet gun and he was aiming at a bird in his yard, and he kept missing it." "So I was like, "Give me that."" "Bam!" "One shot." "And I immediately starting sobbing for the next three days because, emotionally, I am made of clitoris." "I'm very sensitive." "And in that moment, I made a silent pact with nature that I would never ever, ever harm another animal as long as I lived, ever." "So five years ago, some friends of mine are going on a deep sea fishing expedition." "And I go, "Okay, you know, I don't really wanna fish"," ""but I'll come along and hang out on the boat with you and be outside."" "So we're sitting on the boat, we're out in the water, and one of the rods catches a 9-foot hammerhead shark, and there's no one in the chair to reel it in." "So they go, "Hardwick, jump in the chair, reel that shark in."" "And I'm like, "I don't wanna kill a shark."" "And they're like, "No, no, no", we'll throw it back afterwards."" "And I'm like, "Okay, I'll hook it in the face."" "And so we get the..." "I get in the chair and I start reeling the shark in." "And I start feeling really primal like, "Oh, yeah, yeah!"" "I could survive in an apocalypse."" "I don't know why catching a shark was a prerequisite for that, but in my brain it made sense." "So I get this shark up on the boat, and I'm like, "I have caught shark."" "And I go, "Okay, let's throw it back."" "And then the captain goes, "Ah, no, it's dead."" "And my lip starts quivering and I start getting, like, shaky voice like," ""What do you mean it's dead?"" "And he goes, "You know what, don't worry about it."" ""A friend of mine is a neurobiologist." ""We will donate the shark to her" ""and she will do research on its brain," ""which will, you know," ""like, she's doing research to help people who are victims of paralysis."" "And I go, "Oh, my God, at least if I can justify it"" "in the name of science, it's okay."" "And then he goes," ""And then we'll donate all the babies to the elementary school."" "I start having an anxiety attack." "It feels like I'm being fucked in the heart." "It's horrible." "And I go, "Babies?"" "And he goes, like everyone knows this, he goes," ""Oh, yeah, yeah, hammerhead sharks," ""their mortality rate is so high" ""that they're always pregnant because they will actually consume their young as they're being born, right?"" "So from a shark's point of view, it must just go," ""Oh, I'm a snack machine now?" "Snack, snack, snack, snack."" "So don't feel bad for sharks." "They are giant murder fish." "Nonetheless, I felt horrible because of my pact with nature." "So without asking anyone if this was acceptable or an okay thing to do," "I dropped to my knees and went," ""No!"" "While jamming my arm inside the shark, all the way up to the elbow." "Now I don't know if you know anything about shark biology, but they have what's called a cloaca." "Now a cloaca does double duty as a vagina and an anus." "I call that a timesaver." "Well done, sharks." "Good for you on efficiency." "So I'm deep inside this shark, and then I'm just thinking like," ""Oh, my God, if I can just save one." ""If I could just pull out one of these shark babies," ""I'll make this okay, right?" ""And I'll raise it and name it, and it will be my pal." ""I'll make everything right in the universe." ""I'll bring that bird back to life that I shot when I was 16."" "I'm just having this moment with nature." "Everything was like," ""We're all one, man." ""All these molecules are connected," ""and we're all just energy in different forms." ""We're all the same thing." "And this is beautiful," ""and this is wonderful, and this is right." ""And this shark's vagina is really soft." "Oh, my God."" "Let me tell you something, nature did not skimp on vagina tissue for all creatures, great and small." "I realized why sharks are so fierce, they are protecting the awesomest vaginas in the world." ""Get away from me!"" "And I feel like this is such metaphor for all of my young relationships, like just wanting to be inside something that wants to destroy you." "So I was worried in that moment because I started to get stressed that this..." "I was having these thoughts." "And then all of a sudden" "I was going to pop an accidental boner." "An "oh-no-ner" I call it." "Just goes right around your higher brain functions right to the penis." "Boners are very informative, tell you a wide variety of things you didn't know you were into." "Then all of a sudden I'm the creepy guy pacing the docks when boats come back like," ""You didn't happen to catch any sharks today did you?"" "Just clutching my VHS copy of Jaws where I put lipstick on the shark's mouth." "This suit is made from the shark's vagina." "I just want to be in it all the time." "But in the end, I saved all of those sharks... is how I wish that story ended." "Before we did our deep sea fishing expedition," "I'd killed zero sharks." "An hour later, 41 sharks." "I am the Voldemort of sharks." "My wand is a rod." "I think the upside for me is that if I really had developed a shark vagina fetish, thank God for the Internet, right?" "A place that will support anything you're into." "Everyone knows rule 34." "Whatever sexual deviancy you could possibly conceive, there is a web site devoted to it." "It doesn't matter if it's shark vaginas, or tiny meerkat hand jobs, or hoagie fuckers, or papal nip slips, whatever you're into." "Thanks, Internet." "The weirdest one I saw was called "Little Orphan Sluts."" "Little Orphan Sluts." "Who is that mashup for?" ""Yeah, you know, it's like, I like a girl"" ""who's really easy to have sex with,"" ""but I don't wanna know who her biological parents are."" ""Who's your daddy?" "Who's your daddy?" "You don't know!"" "The Internet is a fun place." "I, uh..." "There's a lot of..." "Like, when you see movies now, like when they advertise movies, they're starting to use web sites as reviews for the films, right?" "And that's fine." "I think there's a lot of talented bloggers and writers on the Internet." "But I also think it's filled with people who are reviewing things but they're really frustrated writers." "So when they review a film they just try to use super clever metaphors and they don't just fucking tell you if you should see the movie or not." "Like when Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows came out," "I remembering seeing the commercial for it." "It went, "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows." 'a Pandora's Box of excitement.'"" "I assume you're all educated and you may remember that Pandora's Box released all the evils onto the world." "So my point is a tragic event does not an upbeat metaphor make." ""is 'a slave trade of hilarity."" ""'A potato famine of twist and turns." "Oppressively funny.'"" "I enjoy social networking a lot." "I'm sure a lot of you are on social networks as well." "I still have a Myspace page." "Wow." "I have not been to it in years." "I'm afraid to go back to Myspace." "I think it's a bad neighborhood now." "I think..." "I think Myspace is just abandoned now." "It just looks like RoboCop's Detroit." "Like, it's just like..." "I think my profile has graffiti all over it and, like, kids making meth inside." "Tom's profile pic now is just some guy with scraggly hair, missing teeth, long fingernails, and jars of pee everywhere." ""I'm in your top eight."" "Facebook is puzzling to me." "I do have a Facebook account, but Facebook is just weird." "Facebook is just like a naggy girlfriend who's constantly trying to make you hang out with people you don't wanna hang out with and always making you tell her where you are." ""What are you doing?" "What are you listening to?" ""Where are you eating?" "What's happening?" "Where are you getting your dry cleaning?"" "Like, all the time, nonstop with status updates." "And then if you wanna leave Facebook, if you try to break up with it, good fucking luck." "You can't do it." "You try to break up with Facebook, and it turns into the most psychotic ex-girlfriend you've ever had, constantly asking you if you're, like," ""Uh, Facebook, this really isn't working out." "I don't wanna do this anymore."" ""Are you sure?"" ""Yeah, I'm sure." ""Please, I would really like to delete this account and not be in this relationship anymore."" ""Really, are you sure?" "Yes, I'm positive."" ""Really?" "'Cause Facebook connects you" ""to all the coolest people and friends." "Are you sure you don't want it anymore?"" ""Yes, please, Facebook, this isn't working out anymore."" ""Fine, then I'm gonna keep all your fucking pictures!"" "Also, uh, also on the tweets." "Also love Twitter." "On Twitter a lot." "I still enjoy it." "Although, isn't it..." "You know, we tweet things out, we say things on Twitter and a lot of times we think we're just shouting into a vacuum, and it's not true." "Other people hear the things that you say, and I learned a very valuable lesson." "Uh, last year, I made fun of John Mayer on Twitter." "I don't know John Mayer." "He is probably a perfectly nice guy." "He didn't deserve what I threw at him." "I was just trying to be a snarky, funny comedian shitting on someone I didn't know, 'cause I got the fucked up comic gene." "So the story was John Mayer was at a restaurant, a steakhouse, and then someone handed him a guitar, and so he very politely started playing songs for everyone." "So I rushed to Twitter and I was like," ""Well, I feel really bad for the cows." ""First they got killed and turned into steaks, and then they had to sit through a John Mayer concert."" "So rude, I think it totally bummed him out." "But I don't know why he cares." "What the fuck does he care the guy who hosted Shipmates says about him on fucking Twitter?" "He's a crazy, like, rock god who's amazing at guitar and probably lives in some kind of" "Willy Wonka-style factory of pussy." "Right?" "You go to his house, he's probably in, like, a weird purple jacket like," ""Yeah, the wallpaper is fuckable." ""That is to say, you can fuck it." "Go ahead, fuck the wallpaper."" "Like, that's that guy's life." "He probably fucks girls that Japanese animators would be embarrassed to draw." "Why does he care what I say?" "And yet, you know, there he was on Twitter the next day like," ""Why are people so mean to me on Twitter?"" "I mean, presumably before he bought a box of tampons and a copy of Twilight, right?" "Fuck that guy." "Right?" "I'm kidding." "I am teasing you, John Mayer." "Oh, my gosh." "Oh, by the way, speaking of Twilight the Vampire." "That's his name, right?" "Twilight the Vampire?" "That's why it's called Twilight, right?" "I sure hope Twilight the Vampire ends up with that bored-looking girl." "Oh, my God." "They have had a time." "Running away from Taylor Lautner's forehead." "Taylor, take off that helmet." "Oh." "This is a..." "Here's the dumbest joke" "I've ever written in my life." "I'm going to disclaim it and apologize for it in advance, and it's probably gonna get cut from the special, but here's a bit I call..." "This is one of those dumb bits when you're at home and you're just like, "That's funny."" "And then you're like," ""Why would I ever say this in front of people?" ""In front of other human beings." ""Thoughtful, contemplative human beings." "Why would I share this?"" "This bit's called:" ""Vampire boyfriend complaining about his girlfriend's period."" "Vampire boyfriend complaining about his girlfriend's period." ""I mean, it's like," ""I'm tired of waiting these 24 days a month to get to the good part."" "No." "No." "I don't accept." "You're wrong." "Those are the worst words that have ever been captured on camera." "Uh, I'm gonna take another sip of water." "Whee!" "Water." "I don't drink alcohol." "I don't drink alcohol." "I'm just a super..." "I'm a..." "I'm a boringly responsible guy." ""Let's get super hydrated" ""and go to bed at a reasonable hour while fucking no shit up!"" "I don't drink anymore." "I used to." "I used to drink, but I had to stop." "I mean, if you can drink, do it, right?" "Because drinking is like pouring smiles on your brain." "It's fun." "But for me, sometimes things happen in your life that make you question whether or not you're making the right choices in life." "Like, maybe you'll wake up one night on the floor of a strange apartment with your dick in a shoe." "That is not a joke." "Uh, I..." "It was not my fault." "I was hammered and I saw an opening and a tongue, and some things transpired." "Here's how bad drinking was for me." "Uh, ten years ago," "I had a threesome." "But wait!" "Hold your "whoo" horses." "I don't remember it." "It's just like one of those fucked up deals with the devil where it's like," ""I'm alcohol."" ""I'm gonna give you the courage to instigate a threesome"" ""and then I will wipe it from your memory."" ""Nice try, asshole."" "But sobriety is very interesting." "Like, I do..." "I do enjoy it, but it gives you an interesting clarity in life." "You know, you see things for how they really are, and that's not always an awesome thing." "Like, I can never go to a strip club ever again, ever." "Sober, strip clubs are horrible." "When you are sober, you see the Matrix code behind a strip club." "Right?" "And it's just you're paying girls to pretend to like you until you run out of money so they can walk away to someone." "That's it." "You walk into a strip club with a wad of cash, they all flock around you." "Strippers are just pigeons with tits." "They go where the bread is." "They don't care about your dreams or your hopes, right?" "You just..." "Like, the second you're out of money..." "Gone." "And you can't touch them." "You can't touch the strippers." "Why are you paying to not touch someone?" "That is weird." "How do you win in that situation?" "That is like walking into a deli starving and being like," ""Oh, here's $300."" ""Can I stare at the roast beef?"" ""Better yet, I'll sit down in this chair"" "and you can mash it around my mouth and balls." ""Oh, can't wait to get home to the wife tonight."" "And strippers have weird names for..." "They groom their areas in very specific ways, and they have weird names for it." "Like, do you know what it's called when a lady grooms everything but a superfluous square of hair above the awesomeness underneath?" "Do you know what it's called?" "Not the landing strip." "The landing strip is when it's rectangular." "Right?" "Like a runway facing the wrong way." "You don't land on a lady this way." "If you get naked with a dude and you feel this, you need to get your shit and go home." "He's bad at sex." "I'm not amazing at it, but I know it's not supposed to feel like a car wash," "Like..." "No, when it's a perfect square, they call it "the Hitler 'stache."" "Because it is square, like Hitler's mustache." "Really, strippers?" "Was "Charlie Chaplin patch" taken?" "'Cause he was a little more fun than Hitler." "Why would you name the most awesome thing in the world after the worst person in the history of mankind?" "First of all, I don't even understand the philosophy behind this grooming." "Like, shave it off or don't." "Like you don't mow part of your lawn and go," ""I'm leaving the part by the door 3 inches taller."" "Like, it's all one length." "Why leave that piece?" "Is that last little topiary just to remind gentlemen callers," ""Just to let you know you're not about to fuck a baby."" "Like..." "And I am not a Hitler fan by any stretch of the imagination, but do you really feel like this was the legacy he intended to leave on mankind?" ""One day I hope that women will shave their pussies" ""in the shape of mein schnurrbart!" "Attack Poland!"" "No, Germans aren't that funny." "Well, they are." "I feel like Germans get a bad rap in our culture." "Like, whenever you see a German in film, they're usually, like, vilified or creepy, like Raiders of the Lost Ark." ""Yes, I know you will."" "Like, that's German's to us, right?" "And it's..." "Germans get a really bad rap for not being funny and being humorless, and it's not true." "I actually found a..." "Well, the German comedy web site, herrjokebaron.de." "And, uh, this is a simple knock-knock joke that I hope you'll take part in." "But I think it will provide a small window into their hilarity." "So here we go." "Klopfen, klopfen." "Who's there?" "Wer ist da?" "Pfirsiche." "Pfirsiche wer?" "Pfirsiche haben keinen Wert und ist keinen Gott." "Ha ha, ha ha." "For those of you who don't speak German that means," ""Knock, knock." "Who is there?"" ""Peaches." "Peaches who?"" ""Peaches have no intrinsic value and there is no God."" "Hilarious." "Oh, hilarious Germans." "I wanna be public about something that I haven't really shared a lot, and I'm nervous about it 'cause it's awkward, and it's something that I used to do when I was in high school, and it's very embarrassing." "But I feel a lot of support and so I want to get it out." "When I was in high school," "I was a... juggler." "Oh, my God, I said it." "Oh, it feels so good to say it out loud." "Juggling." "I was a juggler." "I carried a prop bag everywhere." "I went... because I couldn't do sports, and so in my head I was like," ""Oh, ladies will see my hand-to-hand dexterity and they will want these hands inside them."" "Uh, first of all, flawed." "You're juggling balls." "That's the first thing." "Secondly, it does not work that way at all." "All my friends and I, we wanted to be, like, crazy circus people, right?" "So I was a juggler." "I had another friend who was a mime." "Another guy rode a unicycle." "Had another friend who wanted to be a circus midget." "His words, not mine." "I don't think "midget" is a friendly word." "I don't support its use." "I call them sliders." "But whatever you want." "If there was a high school party that was in danger of being too much fun, here we'd come, this rag tag group of Renaissance fair kids to liven up the party." "Whee!" ""Is someone twisting balloon animals?"" ""No, all the ovaries are drying up in the room." ""Fantastic." ""What other outmoded forms of entertainment can we rock ladies into a sex froth with?"" ""Why, I've hammer-tuned my alpenhorn."" "*" ""That not working?" ""Here's all the wax cylinders from the latest Slappy Danver songs."" "* Sarsaparilla in the summertime *" "How many people here are 30 and older at the show?" "Okay, 30s and olders, got a question for you." "30s and unders, take a nap." "30s and olders, what happened to fingering?" "What happened to it?" "What happened to fingering?" "What happened?" "Do you remember fingering?" "Do you remember?" "Think back." "It's it's buried in your brain, somewhere in the distant past." "If you don't remember, fingering is a part of a very complex teenage negotiation, where a young boy says to a young girl," ""I would like to put this in you."" "And she's like, "No, but how 'bout these?"" "And he's like, "I accept your terms."" "You don't use that word when you get older." "If you are in a long-term relationship or married, try to finger your wife." "Try it, I dare you." "See what happens." "She won't know whatyou're..." "She'll be like," ""What did you do... are you..." "Did you the lose the keys?" ""What are you fishing around in there?" "Please, I just want to go to sleep."" "It's funny, like, fingering, it sounds gross." "It sounds... right?" "It sounds dirty." "It sounds dirt..." "It's... it's not." "It's cleaner than sex." "It's safer than sex, but it sounds gross for some reason." "I think that's because it just sounds like wrong English, right?" "To make a verb out of finger?" "It's just gross." "It sounds like a fake word that aliens would mistakenly use while trying to fit in with mankind before a planetary takeover." "They land." "One of them walks up to a group of people and he's like," ""Hey, dudes,"" ""I just fingered a female"" ""in the back of my vehicle."" ""Then I penised her"" ""for seven Earth minutes."" ""Take me to your leader."" "I did that bit at a comedy club recently, and there was a very old lady sitting right where you are, sir." "Very old lady." "Like eleventy years old." "She was elderly and a half." "And I just got nervous because that's such a dirty bit." "I didn't want to be disrespectful and freak her out, and I knew the bit was coming up and I started to sweat a little bit." "And then I was gonna bail out on it." "But then she and I just had this moment where we locked eyes, and she was like, "It's your move, fucker."" "I'm like, "Let's do this, bitch."" "So I did all my fingering jokes, and I just kind of paused for her to be like," ""Aah, I'm melting," or whatever old people say." "And that didn't happen." "Instead, she burst out laughing and went," ""Ha, ha, ha, I've done that."" "There was a crater of disgust in all directions around her just like a blast radius." "Everyone was like, "Oh, my God"," "Really?" "Come on!"" "And I had to, like, stop the show for a second." "We had to have a moment as mature adults and admit that, yes, the elderly have been fingered a lot." "They have." "It's not weird." "They've lived long lives." "They've had a lot of fingers in them." "Uh, they didn't call it "fingering" back in those days." "I think they called it, like, an "Austrian Popsicle" or whatever." "'Cause they had dumb names for things." "Anal sex was called "the gentleman's trolley."" "I don't want to start making fun of old people." "Like, it's all..." "If we're lucky, it'll all happen to us someday." "We'll get older, and I've really started to feel it lately, right?" "Like, is anyone about to turn 30?" "Anyone about to turn 30 in the audience?" "A couple of you?" "All right." "Are you freaked out at all?" "You are freaked out?" "You don't need to freak out." "30 is not weird, you guys." "30 is not weird." "35 is weird." "Because that's the year you start checking a whole different box when you're filling out surveys." "And it fucking hurts." "You take for granted that for 16 years you live in this wide-open country called "18-34."" "Whee!" "Because after that, it's just "35 to corpse."" "Like, no one gives a fuck anymore." "They don't care." "You're old and creepy and weird." "I don't shop at the same places anymore." "Look, I got on my boxer shorts from the, uh, the Abercrombie  Fitch store." "Can you see?" "Look, "Abercrombie  Fitch."" "In giant letters, like a huge billboard advertisement above my junk." "Like, who do they think is gonna see this?" "That is a generous overestimation of the foot traffic this area gets." "And that is only something that men's underwear does." "Women's underwear does not brand in this fashion, because no self-respecting woman would put on a pair of panties that said "The Gap"" "above them." "That would be weird." "It'd be weird." ""Oh, really?" "Oh, all right."" "I started freaking out right before my last birthday and a friend of mine was like," ""Man, you should get a tattoo."" "I'm like, "I don't have any tattoos." "I'm too old now to get a tattoo."" "And he's like, "You're never too old to get a tattoo."" "And I was like," ""A lot of times, you're too old to get a tattoo."" "Like, I'm not gonna be, like, fucking 70 years old, like, walking around, rocking my gramp stamp right on the back." ""Hey everybody, that's the chemical chain for Lipitor." ""Hey, lookie here, right above my cottony pubes is the Chinese symbol for, 'Stay off my lawn.'"" "I just wanna be cool." "I almost lost my virginity when I was 15 years old, guys." "Almost... lost my virginity at 15." "Didn't quite happen though." "Uh, in retrospect, it had nothing to do with me or any kind of Rico Suave..." "Which was the lingo of the time..." "Vibe that I was casting off." "I was a very awkward, pale, skinny, nerdy kid." "Uh, and it just wasn't me." "I grew up in the Bible Belt in Tennessee, and Tennessee is, like, the buckle of the Bible belt, and that's where I grew up." "So there's a lot of very religious people there, which is totally fine." "This girl's parents were Fundamentalist Christian, right?" "And I don't know if you know any Southern Baptist Fundamentalist Christian types, but a lot of times, when two of them get together, they can produce for an offspring a violent strain of super slut for a daughter." "The sluttiest girls have super religious parents." "If you don't believe me, go to a church social, whisper into a girl's ear, "I know you're dirty."" "She will blow you like a raft on a sinking ship." "I don't make the rules." "That's just how it is." "And I have nothing against religious folks." "I say embrace your religion." "You know, that's fine if that's what you're into." "I just..." "In Religion v. Science, I always go Science, right?" "Because..." "Because..." "Oh, please." "Because... religion has constantly had to ebb its definitions to account for scientific discovery, and that has never happened in reverse." "You've never turned on The Discovery Channel and they're like," ""We used to think the Moon"" "was held in place by the Earth's gravitational pull." ""Now we just know an old bearded man blows on it..." ""To keep it away from the Sun, which research suggests is a pack of angry fire-horses."" "Also, I don't have anything against sluts either." "I wanna say, if it hadn't been for sluts," "I would have majored in virginity." "I appreciate it." "You do a wonderful service to mankind." "Thank you so much." "You have clapped too hard, madam." "So I'm about to lose my virginity, clothes come off, this girl gets into position, and I'm gonna make sex with her." "Uh..." "And so I don't..." "The problem is no one, when you're a guy, explains to you the mechanics of how to have sex for the first time." "You don't know, really, what you're doing." "So it is a lot, from a guy's point of view, like trying to find Platform 9 3/4." "Everyone tells you there's an opening there." "You can't find it." "So you just shut your eyes and make a run at it and hope you get through." "I missed because I didn't believe." "And accidentally cast my Patronus on her before the train could make it to Hogwarts." "To which I instantly exclaimed," ""I learned from a hamster!"" "Which would have made no sense to her at the time." "And I would have been ready to go again, right?" "'Cause to a teenage boy, boners are like Kleenex, like... pfft..." ""There's another one."" "Pfft... "There's another one."" "Pfft... pfft..." ""I could do this all day."" "But it turns out that the female of our species is not sexually aroused when the male of our species ejaculates near her and then cries on her face." "We got lucky though." "Like, I wasn't..." "We weren't using any protection, which is a bad idea." "And this was, like, she could have gotten pregnant." "This was in the 80s, when you couldn't just take a pill the next day to "Control-Z" that shit." "Like..." "That was it." "I mean, there is no excuse today for unwanted teen pregnancy." "You can take preventative measures." "You can do stuff the day afterwards." "Like, there's no reason for teen pregnancy to exist if that's not the intention." "And yet there is a teen pregnancy epidemic." "But there is also a teen obesity epidemic." "So here's what I'm thinking, guys." "No, they're not gonna eat the babies." "But in the South, they will deep fry anything." "No." "We have the science to make morning-after donuts delicious." "These kids are gonna eat donuts anyway." "It solves the problem." "If you're Latino, "Flan B" is another one that I submit for your approval." "Sex shouldn't result in pregnancy." "It just shouldn't right?" "If we were perfect beings, sex would have two functions:" "For pleasure and to complicate friendships, and that is it." "But if you do wanna have kids, don't wait too long." "You know, like, try have them young-ish." "Like, you don't wanna wait too long." "You don't, because kids who are the product of old sperm are not right." "The fresher the mayo, the better the sandwich." "That is a very simple formula, you guys." "No, old sperm makes dweeby kids." "They're not nerds." "I love nerds." "I mean, dweebs, like, the really awkward ones." "Don't go out in the sun." "They can't look you in the eye." "They hide behind things." "You expose them, they make this noise, "Ahh, ahh."" "Dweebs." "That's old sperm." "The dweebiest kid in my school, his parents were in their 50s when he was born, right?" "That's not even an accident." "That's like, "This shit still works?"" "And then there he was." "You ever find 20 bucks in an old pair of pants?" "That was this kid." "Yeah, he was just so awkward." "He just seemed slightly expired, like, he just couldn't look you in the eye." "He was shaky, sweaty." "He would swallow in weird places in sentences for some reason." "He'd be like, "Hey, guys, we're gonna go... down to the Burger King."" "I'd be like," ""You knew you were about to start talking," ""Randy." "Swallow, then sentence."" "Are there any Latinos here tonight?" "A couple?" "Oh, good." "I have the greatest respect for your culture." "I think you guys do it properly." "You..." "Seriously, you have your three or four kids and then you slow down so you can enjoy your late teens." "I think that is a great way to do it." "It is." "It is." "I love Latino culture." "I love it." "I live in Los Angeles." "It's beautiful." "It's so..." "I mean, so passionate and so sexy as a race." "Like, but I think maybe too sexy to have made Antonio Banderas the voice of the Nasonex Bee." "That is too sexy for nasal spray." "You're just sitting on your couch in your underwear and this horny Latino bee comes on this screen like," ""Oh, Nasonex." ""Oh..." ""I'm going to fuck your nose open." ""Oh, Nasonex." ""Ohh..." ""Oh, your nasal passage is dry." ""I'm going to make it wet, oh." ""Oh, Nasonex." ""Oh, Nasonex." "Dios mio, Nasonex!"" ""How's that asthma treating you?"" ""Great, a Latino bee ejaculated in my nose, opened it right up."" "Uh, as you've noticed," "I do a lot of silly voices in my act, and I am a cartoon voiceover actor." "I have been for a long time." "I love to do cartoon voiceovers." "It's a lot of fun." "Always a lot of fun." "Not so much fun if a lady wants me to spice things up in the bedroom with some cosplay." "Don't do that with a voice actor." "She's like, "I want you to pretend to be a Viking."" "And I'm like, "All right."" "So I get my iron helmet with a horn in it, leather bracers, furry boots, no pants, stomping into the bedroom all Viking like, like," ""I see that you have an empty pussy."" ""You would like me to be filling" ""your empty pussy with my wieners?" "Where are you going?"" "I did a children's cartoon show for a long time where I played a cow, which was a lot of fun except I played a male cow with udders." "And that fucking infuriated people." "Dweebs would run up to me all the time on the street," ""There's no such thing as... a male cow with udders!"" "All right, thank you so much for coming out tonight, you guys!" "You've made this wonderful!" "Thank you, thank you!" "Enjoy your burrito!" "*"