"(ALAN) Paris." "City of French people." "Home of Quasimodo," "Louis XIV, Hercule Poirot and Sacha Distel." "City of lovers, of artists, of the croissant, the cappuccino." "City of moonlight, of dreams, of men in long coats meeting in brasseries at dawn, and the setting for the fourth show in the first series of "Knowing Me, Knowing You With Alan Partridge"I" "# Knowing me, knowing you, a-ha" "# There is nothing we can do" "# Knowing me, knowing you, a-ha" "# We just have to face it, this time we're through" "# Knowing me, knowing you #" "A-ha!" "(FRENCH-STYLE MUSIC AND APPLAUSE)" "(BAND SINGS IN FRENCH)" "Bonjour!" "Bonjour!" "Bienvenu, tout le monde." "Why am I speaking in French?" "Well, it's because tonight's show is coming live from Paris." "(AUDIENCE) Whoo!" "What was once a pipe dream is now the Channel Tunnel, a big pipe." "But tonight, we're building a new construction." "One that isn't vulnerable to a major terrorist attack." "That's because it's a castle, a castle of chat." " Or a chat-eau!" " (DRUMBEAT)" "Or since we're in Paris, a chat-isserie." "(DRUMBEAT)" "Now, I was asked if I would like a French co-host to help me present the show." "I said, "No!" "No way!" ""Nul points." "Absolutement non."" "Then they showed me her photograph, and I said, "Oui." ""I'm a happy to have this woman as my co-host..." ""subject to certain contractual stipulations."" "How can I describe her?" "Well, if I were mad Baron Frankenpartridge with a cellar full of pickled corpses, then I'd take the clever head of Melvyn Bragg, stitch it to the torso of Edith Piaf, add some legs..." "Sorry, this is getting quite unpleasant." "I'll just bring her on." "Please welcome my co-host, a delightful French madame, though she doesn't run a whorehouse." "But she does have excellent organisational skills." "Here she is, France's answer to a younger Sue Lawley, Nina Vanier!" "# Nina, pretty ballerina" "# Now she is the queen of the dancing floor" "# This is the moment she's waited for" "# Just like Cinderella" "# Nina #" "You won't find these at your local BQ." "They're French." "Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Nina Vanier." " A-ha." " Aha." "I thought you were going to say "o-hon"..." "but you didn't." "Now, Nina, I'm delighted to have you as my co-host." "I'm delighted to have you as my co-host." "Er, no, no." "You're my co-host." "I'm the host." "Now, Nina, none of my British friends will forgive me if I didn't say we love the Channel Tunnel, but don't send us your rabid dogs." "Well, we won't, Alan, as long if you don't send us your mad cows." "I think you'll find that our cows went mad because they were bitten by your dogs." "That's an interesting theory, if a little xenophobic." "No French." ""Xenophobic" is an English word." "It means small-minded fear of other nations." "It's time to meet our house band for this evening." " They came over yesterday." " Please welcome Glenn Ponder and Savoir..." "Glenn Ponder and Savoir Faire!" "(APPLAUSE)" "# Knowing me, knowing you #" "Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Glenn Ponder." " A-ha." " A-ha." "Knowing me, Nina Vanier, knowing you, Glenn Ponder." " Aha." " Aha." "Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Savoir Faire." " A-ha." " A-ha." "Knowing me, Nina Vanier, knowing you, Savoir Faire." " Aha." " Aha." "Glenn, I was taking a walk in Paris this morning and saw a madman jump in the river." " Really, Alan?" " Yes, he was insane, in the Seine." "Are you looking forward to the high-kicking ladies at the Folies-Bergeres tonight?" "No, that was last night." "The plan was changed." " What?" " I thought you knew." "We left a message." "Well, I didn't get one." "And I was in my hotel room all night." "I ended up watching "The Poseidon Adventure" on TV." "It was dubbed in French." "There was no message." " I left one." " Glenn Ponder and..." " You definitely left a message?" " Yes." "OK." "Glenn Ponder and Savoir Faire." "(MUSIC AND APPLAUSE)" "Delia Smith, Keith Floyd," "Fanny Craddock and Mr Kipling are all famous international chefs." "So is our first guest, my first guest." "He's the most controversial chef in Paris, passionate about food, not so passionate about the celebrities who dine in his restaurant." "Recently, he poured rice pudding over Bryan Ferry's head." "And slapped Jeremy Irons." "He's wry, he's spry, he's crisp and dry." "Please welcome superchef Philippe Lambert!" "(SAVOIR FAIRE) # Voulez-vous" "# Ain't no big decision" "# You know what to do" "# La question, c'est voulez-vous" "# Voulez-vous #" "Well, you certainly smell like a Frenchman." "I mean, your aftershave, it's very nice." "Nice smell." "Is it...what?" "Aramis?" " No, Alan." "It's cologne." " It's good." "Good smell." "Thank you." "What's yours?" "Slazenger Sport." "It's the stick type." "I don't use the roll-on." "It traps your hairs." "Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Philippe Lambert." " A-ha." " A-ha." "Now, Philippe, you have very, very kindly arranged some delicacies here for us to pick at throughout the show." "Now, I have to say this is a whole different world to the universe of Hula Hoops, cheesy Wotsits and Monster Munch." "Tell us a bit about them." " It's what I call my Grande Selection..." " Big selection." " It's a selection of hors d'oeuvres..." " Starters." "..that you might find in my restaurant." "I think appetisers..." "Starters." "Same thing." "Philippe, these are superb." "Let's talk about your restaurant." "Good." "Yeah." "Good." "What's your fundamental approach to cuisine?" "Actually, I don't have an approach." "I have a reproach." "I'm very bored by the whole restaurant industry." "To me, it seems little more than a fat pig, endlessly regurgitating and consuming that which..." "..that which it eats... ..without discrimination..." "..without taste, without joy." "You know, I'm not interested in what Egon Ronay thinks." "My Michelin stars, I send them back." "You sent them back?" "You peeled the sticker off the window and sent it back?" " No, no, no, Alan..." " It is quite difficult, but it can be done." "If you soak a sponge in soapy warm water and just hold it against the sticker, leave it for half an hour, it'll peel away." "Bob's your uncle." " Thank you, Alan." "I'll remember that." " Warm, soapy water." " Thank you." " It's got to be warm." "Philippe, the other interesting thing about your restaurant is that it has no name." "Yes, that's right." "It's er...if you like, an irony that although it is called the restaurant with no name, people refer to it as "The Restaurant With No Name"." "Like Clint Eastwood." "What?" "I'm just saying it's like Clint Eastwood." " What is like Clint Eastwood?" " He was "the man with no name"." "That's an irony that Jacques Derrida would appreciate." "Certainly, and Jacques Derrida regularly dines at my restaurant, and, indeed, regularly appreciates the irony." " Who's..." "Who's he?" " Jacques Derrida, the philosopher." "I've never heard of him." "Jacques Derrida, the most famous philosopher in the world." "Well, I wouldn't say that." "Would you care to name a more famous philosopher?" "Yeah, all the..." "All the Greek ones." "Yes, but one who is alive." "Who is the most famous philosopher, Alan?" "Peter Ustinov?" "Yes." "Yes." "Absolutely right." "I'd forgotten about him." " Thank you." " I'm lost." "Your next question, Confucius?" "I'm not confused." "All right." "Here's a good question." "You are the top chef in your field." "You've only got one restaurant." "Berni Inn has thousands." "Jealous?" "I don't know." "Who is Berni Inn?" "You've never heard of Berni Inn?" "!" "He's the most famous steakhouse proprietor in the whole world." "Well, I'm sorry, Alan." "Maybe Peter Ustinov should get together with Berni Inn and open a steakhouse." "Have a steak, talk about philosophy." "Yeah, that's a good idea." "They could call it Pete and Berni's Philosophical Steakhouse." "Good idea." "Actually, Philippe, your restaurant having no name, another figure who would've been amused by that is Rene Magritte." " No French." " He was Belgian." "Same thing." "Do you like that one, Alan?" "Hmm." "Quite nice." "It's quite chewy." " What is it?" " It's beef." " What sort of beef?" " Bull." "What..." "What part of the bull?" "It's a gland." "How many..." "How..." "How many this gland..." "How many of this gland does it have?" "Two." "Ladies and gentlemen, Philippe Lambert." "(APPLAUSE)" "It's time once again for "Knowing Me, Alan Partridge, Knowing You, Another Alan Partridge", a regular feature where I meet a person who shares my name, Alan Partridge." "This week, we had to find a French Alan Partridge." "That proved impossible, but the French for "partridge" is "perdrix", so we scoured the countryside for an Alain Perdrix." "We found one." "He's a lorry driver from Marseilles." "He's visited England twice on deliveries." "I've not got the details." "He's here tonight." "Please welcome Alain Perdrix, French for Alan Partridge!" "(MUSIC AND APPLAUSE)" "Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Alain Perdrix, another Alan Partridge." "A-ha." "Now, in honour of the fact that you share my name, I'm pleased to present you with an Alan Partridge tie and blazer badge combination pack!" "(APPLAUSE)" "Well done." "Well done." "Um..." "C'est quoi?" " Sorry?" " C'est quoi?" "Oh..." "Right." "C'est un tie..." "Un tie..." "Tie." "Et un badge pour un blazer." "You stitch that on..." "No, don't take that out, please." "And they come together in a boite, a box, a combination pack." " Er..." "C'est pour quoi?" " Because it just does." "Um, now..." "Don't know why I explained that." "Now, also, to celebrate the new spirit of cooperation between our two nations," "I have had a special painting commissioned by a Norwich-based artist..." "For my French viewers, Norwich is the Provence of Great Britain." "It's the best of British, the best of France... it's a bulldog with frog's legs." " C'est pour quoi..." " Why can't you just take it and go?" "Allez!" "Alain Perdrix." "Alain Perdrix!" "(MUSIC AND APPLAUSE)" "I don't like these chairs." "By the way, if you're wondering where my normal furniture is, it's in Nimes." "Why?" "I don't know." "Ask the French hauliers." "Alan, are you growing a moustache?" " No." " Really?" "No..." "Yes." "I'm growing a moustache." "Is that a beard?" "I can't tell if you just haven't shaved." "At least I admit that I'm growing a moustache." "All right." "Don't get at me." "It wasn't my fault you ate a testicle." " If you remember, I spat it out." " Ah, yes, but there was another one." "No, all I had earlier was some spinach and a vol-au-vent." "It was in the vol-au-vent." "Yeah, very clever." " Now it's time for..." " That's me." " Yes." "Sorry." " And now it's time for some light relief." "If I were to say clown time is over, I'd be lying, because it's time now to send in the clowns, and I'm sure we won't be seeing the tears of a clown, because I'm told they're hilarious." " I haven't seen them myself." " Please welcome winner of the Prix de Joie," " Cirque des Clowns." " Circus of Clowns." "Ooh!" "(GROWLS)" "Ping!" "Ping!" "(INAUDIBLE)" "(ALAN) Oh, no!" "No!" "No..." "No..." "No, no, no..." "No!" "No!" "No!" "No!" "Cirque des Clowns." "Cirque des Clowns." "(APPLAUSE)" "Grow up!" "Grow up!" "Shh!" "Shh!" " Thank you." "Cirque des..." " Shh!" "Shh!" " Cirque des..." " Shh!" "Shh!" "Listen." "I presume you're in charge." "Let me tell you something, right." "There is a security guard backstage called Steve." "I promise you, if you make another sound, when you leave, he will hurt you physically." " Cirque des Clowns..." " (BLOWS RASPBERRY)" "Oh, God." "Cirque des Clowns..." "Sorry." "I haven't broken wind." "I haven't broken wind." "That's them." "Cirque des Clowns will be touring arts centres in Britain." "I'm sure there'll be plenty of tickets available." "You're a disgrace." "Cirque des Clowns." "(APPLAUSE)" "Insanity." "What are you doing?" "Get out!" "Why is he still there?" "Can someone remove this clown, please?" "Where's Steve?" "Is he..." "He's backstage." "He..." "No, he'll get him after." "He'll get him after." "I'll do it standing up." "I hope my next guest doesn't suffer from..." "Right." "I'll do it here." "I'll do it here." "I hope my next guest doesn't suffer from vertigo, because she's at the height of her profession." "(DRUMBEAT)" "She's a top international fashion designer who hails from Lancashire..." "Let me just say, you look stupid..." "You look stupid, not me." "Right." "I'll do it on three." "I'll do it on three." "She's a top international fashion designer from Lancashire in England..." "No, I'm sorry." "I can't..." "Nina, can you..." " Yes, Alan?" " Can you get rid of him?" "(SPEAKS FRENCH)" "(REPLIES IN FRENCH)" " Oui." "Merci." " There he goes." "There he goes." "(APPLAUSE)" "There he goes, tail between his legs." "Steve, he's coming out!" "I hope my next guest doesn't get vertigo, as she's at the height of her profession... (DRUMBEAT)" "Sorry, what did you say to get rid of him?" " Oh, it's not necessary to translate." " No, I want to know." " No, you don't need to know..." " You know the contract." "I command you." "Very well." "I told him that you are out of your depth with an artist of his calibre, and inexperience makes you unable to cope with the situation in a professional way." "Thank you." "I hope my next guest doesn't suffer from vertigo, because she's at the height of her profession." " (DRUMBEAT)" " You don't need to do it now." "She arrived today from London on the train because she doesn't like flying." " She really does suffer from vertigo." " She caught the train from Waterloo." " Please welcome fashion guru Yvonne Boyd." " Who came from Waterloo." "Important... (SAVOIR FAIRE) # Waterloo" "# Couldn't escape if I wanted to" "# Waterloo" "# Knowing my fate is to be with you" "# Whoa, whoa, whoa, Waterloo" "# Finally facing my Waterloo #" "Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Yvonne Boyd." "A-ha." " Do you want me to say a-ha?" " Yes, please." "A-ha." "I'm a big fan of your clothes." "I must say, your outfit tonight is wonderful." "I didn't know that as well as fashion you also do pantomime." " What do you mean?" " I presume you're Widow Twanky." " No." " Are you an ugly sister?" "Alan, these are Yvonne's clothes." " I'm sorry." "I thought you did pantomime." " No, I don't do pantomime." "Well, maybe you should." "You've got the clothes, and without wanting to be vulgar, the money is very good." "It's very good." "In fact, last Christmas, I was in two pantomimes." "I was in Norwich and Colchester as Mother Goose." "I had to travel from one theatre to the other in my goose suit." "It was quite hectic, but at the end of the season," "I quite literally laid a golden egg." "It's worth considering." "Peter Pan, Widow Twanky, Buttons." "Yvonne, can you talk us through the thinking behind this magnificent outfit?" "It's a sort of fin de siecle ghost in the machine." "Is that the distributor cap off a Ford Mondeo?" " I've absolutely no idea." " Let's have a look." " Yes, it is." "Do you drive a Ford Mondeo?" " No, I don't drive." "I don't like cars." "Doesn't drive, doesn't fly, doesn't do panto." " What do you do?" " I design clothes." " Is that all?" " Yes." "Well, that's interesting, because whereas you're a master of one trade," "I like to think of myself as an Alan of all trades." "And I've got a surprise for you, Yvonne, in this, a new regular section of the show called "Alan's Trades", in which I demonstrate a trade that I'm an Alan of." "This week's Alan Trade is fashion." "Now, I'm not Giorgio Armani, I'm Alan Partridge, but my name has become associated with a certain look, a look I define as "Sports Casual"." "Yvonne, tell me what you think as we look at "A Partridge In Paris"." ""A. Partridge In Paris"." "Alan Partridge in Paris." "(ALAN) The first look you might wear to drive to Paris." "It's called "Cruiser Arriviste"." "Canary yellow shirt, horizon blue stay-crease action slacks, cap, Polaroids, tan string-back driving gloves." "It's a look that says, "I'm in control of my vehicle. "" "Who's this cool customer?" "Ice white shoes, ice white socks with navy blue double cadet stripe, a pair of shorts, T-shirt with chevron action flash." ""L'homme du Sport"." "Man of sport." "The tossed pink sweater that says, "I'm in Paris and nothing's gonna stop me. "" "That's the Eiffel Tower." "The classic English gentleman abroad." "It's David Niven." "It's Stewart Grainger." "It's Nigel Havers." "It's a green blazer." "The look, "Imperial Leisure"." "Offset the look with those four old reliables:" "cravat, hat, summer spectacles and, for a touch of class, the Alan Partridge blazer badge." "A lot of people have asked about the badge." "Well, I'll describe it." "In the top right...." "Sorry." "I'll do it next week." "The place, Champs Elysees." "The man, Alan Partridge." "The look, "Strolling Pastel"." "A classic summer suit with the omission of long trousers." "A Partridge In Paris." "Well, tell me what you think." "Shoot from the hip." "Alan, you are to the world of fashion what Peter Ustinov is to the world of philosophy." "Yvonne, is fashion a necessity of culture or a cultural necessity?" "Hang on..." "It appears to be happy hour at Pete and Berni's Philosophical Steakhouse." "I think you're rather rude, actually, because Nina's asked a very interesting question." "What I think is that fashion is a necessity of culture, because, really, clothes are just things that cover up our mutual nakedness." "Underneath our clothes, we are all of us naked, even you, Alan." "No, I'm not." " Yes, of course you are." " No, I've got underwear." "But underneath your underwear, you are naked." " No, I'm not." " Of course." "You have your buttocks." "Oh, here we go." "I wondered how long it would take to descend into some French hidden buttock agenda." "Alan, all we are saying is that underneath your clothes, you are naked." "No, I'm not." "Now..." "Now, Yvonne, we're about to see some clothes from your menswear collection." "Now, the theme of my collection was "Sports Casual"." "Bearing in mind that Pete and Berni's Philosophical Steakhouse is closed, what's the theme of your collection?" " The futility of mortality." " Why do I bother?" "Bring on the models." "(YVONNE) Right, well, the first model is Tor." "Tor's cap and shorts are made of bandages, and his linen jacket has got real surgical stitching on it." "He has also got a little truss on, which is a sort of ironic bumbag." "Is this man injured?" "No." "The whole collection is based on images of hospitalisation." "Right." "So you've had an operation, you want to look good on the ward, that's what you wear." "No." "They're for wearing anywhere." "You wear them on the street." "He's wearing slippers." "The only man I know who wears slippers on the street is called Dougie." "He wanders round Norwich shopping precinct with a Cornish pasty in his hand, shouting, "Get away." "It's a bomb."" "He's insane." "Well, maybe he's sane and we're all mad." "Anyway, the next model..." "The next one is Newman with..." "Newman's got a more formal look." " That's beautiful." "Yvonne." " Thank you." "Here, you see, I've broken up the classic lines of the suit with a saline drip attached to an umbrella, and with a pair of brogues, one of which is orthopaedic." "He looks like he's been in a car crash!" "The final model, who's coming on now, is Matt." "Now, here, I'm playing with ideas of constriction and freedom." "So just as the plaster boots impede, the bandage kilt liberates." "This waistcoat covered in corn plasters, are they used?" " (NINA) For goodness' sake!" " Of course not." "Don't be ludicrous!" "I'm being told I'm ludicrous by Mrs Whippy Head." " That's the end of my collection." " Yvonne, it's a triumph." "Thank you." "(APPLAUSE)" "Sorry, I'm..." "Yeah, yeah..." "I'm confused." "I've got to ask a couple of questions." "This man, what's this round his midriff?" " It's a blood bag." " What if it bursts?" " Well, you mop it up." " What with?" "With the eyepatch." "It's not a problem." "What if your nose bleeds?" "What if your arm bursts?" "What?" "What?" "What if your arm bursts?" "I've heard of a nosebleed, but in my 14 years of professional broadcasting, including three as a hospital radio disc jockey," "I've never had anyone say, "My arm's just burst." "Could you play a dedication?"" " You just got me on to ridicule me." " (ALL COMPLAIN)" "No, I'll show you." "You with the orthopaedic shoe..." " What's his name?" " Newman." "You just walk up here, then back, easy as you like." " That man has no dignity." " Well, what is dignity?" "That..." "That is dignity." "More or less." "No one will wear these clothes." "They look rubbish." "Ordinary people do not like those clothes." " I do." " Me too." "You're not ordinary, you're French." "Glenn." "Glenn, me old mate." "Glenn." "Those clothes, were they rubbish or what?" "I like them." "Quite nice." "What?" "!" "You traitor." "There stands Judas Ponder." "Check in his pockets, you'll find 30 pieces of silver." "Except you won't, because he spent them all last night at the Folies-Bergeres." "What are you two staring at?" "You look like "The Steptoe Wives"." "I think you mean "The Stepford Wives"." "I thought you French were good at chatting, sitting outside your brasseries, sipping your cappuccinos, chomping on onions, going "Hon-hee-hon-hee-hon"." "Now you're just being racist." "That is not racist." "French people chomp on onions and go "Hon-hee-hon-hee-hon"." "That's a fact." "Well, we've come to the end of the show." "I've enjoyed it very much." "I'd like to think that our nations are closer together than at the beginning of the show." "That can only be a good thing." " It simply remains for me to thank Nina." " It's been a pleasure." "Are you doing anything interesting tonight?" "No, not after last night." "I'm too exhausted." " What did you do last night?" " I went to the Folies-Bergeres." " That's where Glenn Ponder went." " I was there, too." " I was there." " You were?" " My models were there." " Who else?" "Glenn invited us all." "The clowns were there..." " The clowns?" "!" " Yes, your security guard Steve was there." " I don't believe it." " He's friends with the clowns." "The band were there as well." "The band?" " You, accordion man, were you there?" " Mmm." "Everyone except you, Alan." " Glenn, why didn't you invite me?" " I left a message." "Right, I'm going to ask you a question, and I want you to give me an honest and truthful answer." "Did you leave a message last night?" "No." " Thank you." " Honestly, I didn't think they'd let you in." "There was a sign saying "no jeans, no trainers, no sports casualwear"." "(ALL LAUGH)" "(PHILIPPE) Glenn!" " It was just a joke." " Just a joke?" "Here's a good joke." "You'll like this one." "There's this bloke called Glenn Ponder." "He's playing jazz synthesiser in a Norwich wine bar." "In walks Alan Partridge." "Alan gives him a big break on national television." "Glenn's pleased." "Glenn gets lippy." "Glenn gets the sack." " What do you mean?" " You're sacked!" "You are sacked." "I'm sacking you." "It's happened." "You're a sacked man." "You've been sacked." "You're the subject of a sacking." "I want you off the premises." "Knowing me, Alan Partridge, sacking you, Glenn Ponder." "A-ha!" "And on that bombshell, it's time for me to say knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Monsieur Testicle, knowing you, Pantomime Cow, and knowing you, Ms Hon-Hee-Hon-Hee-Hon." "Goodnight, arrivederci and a-ha!" " (MUSIC STARTS)" " Not you!" "Not you!" "Not you." "Just you." "(ACCORDION SOLO )"