"(Door slams)" " Who's there?" "RAB:" "Janice!" " Are you decent?" " Rab!" "I'm having a bath." "Janice, I've never read anything like it." "Rab, darling, I'm naked." "I never understood the concerns of the agricultural community until now." "With one column, you've opened up a whole new world for me." "This is fantastic stuff." " Do you really think so?" " I never knew you had it in you, Janice." "And my goodness, but you're dead good-Iooking as well." "I feel my manhood stirring within me." "Rab," "I'm a married woman." "I know that blackguard Jackie McCann and he's not good enough for you." "Ohh..." "(clock ticking)" " My God, Janice, you and Rab!" " Jackie!" "You're my wife." "What are you shagging him for?" "You haven't been a husband to me in a Iong time, Jackie McCann." "What are you saying?" "If you can't be a proper husband, then let somebody else have a go." " Aye." " I feel like I'm seeing you now for the first time." "You've grown and changed so much in your new career as a journalist." "By God I want you!" "But I'm on next after you." "(clock ticking)" "(Snoring)" "(LachIan spIutters)" "(LachIan breathes more easily)" "(LachIan snoring in background)" "(Switch clicks)" "Qué grande, si, si?" "Era una perra..." "Oh, tanto mas." "Mas fuerte." "Mas fuerte." "Te gusta esta, eh?" "Te gusta?" " Pero mas fuerte, mas fuerte." " Si, si." "(Both moan with pleasure)" " Si!" "Mas!" "Mas!" "Mas!" " Toma!" "Oh." "Oh!" "(Moaning)" "CLAIRE:" "Where are the subtitles?" "I can't see the subtitles." "claire... ..do you want to have sex?" "Why don't you just get a football player to fuck you?" "I want my baby to have good intelligence genes." "Do you think mine will be stupid?" "The thing is, smart guys are really hard to find here." "I'm sure you could find sperm off the internet." "Dirka!" "I can't do it on my own." "I need a partner." "A smart guy." "Ask Kenny." "I was thinking about it." "(Kenny reads) Katrina came closer to Angus." "Her breath was soft on his face." "She was lovely." "Through the open window, the sun was shining on the ridge of mountains." "The summit of the ridge was at Ieast 4,000 feet, covered with snow." "It was icy snow, 1 2 to 1 8 inches deep, not prone to avalanches, but you have to be careful." "Katrina sat in his lap and undid her blouse." ""Are you not cold, Katrina?" asked Angus." ""No," said Katrina." "(Sighs)" "She leaned over and kissed him full on the mouth." "(AII swoon)" "That's ten minutes." "They told me to read for ten minutes." " Read a bit more, son." "OTHERS:" "Aye." "OK." "Great." "This next bit's really nice." "LACHLAN:" "One of the great things about living in glasgow is that you can be out in the mountains really quickly." "How do you Iike it here so far, Jean?" "You know, I'm really not into tourist clichés, claire." "This is more of a break for me, you know, getting time off to reassess my work and my Iife." "Light bulb on." "One's creativity demands a kind of... ..constant reassessment." "She was a copy editor, LachIan." "Whoa." "That's so much less creative than..." "What is it you do?" "Live off your parents?" "Let's not get into that now, Jean." "LACHLAN:" "This is Loch Lomond." "Fascinating." "Kenny comes up here." "He says Lock Lomond is his second favourite place." " I think his first favourite place is..." " It's actually loch." "I know the "ch" sounds a bit tricky for Americans but..." "Loch." "Locchh." "I said that." "LACHLAN:" "That's Conic hill, yeah." "That's Ben Lomond." "That's Ben VorIich." "OK, we're done." "Thanks." "It was great." "You're lovely." "You in the chair and all." "Can I kiss you?" "Aye, go on." "Oh, you're lovely." "That's my girlfriend over there." "Better be careful." "Oh, aren't you both lovely." "Both in your chairs, Iike." "(wheelchair creaks)" " They love you." " Ach, it's Grab A Granny night here." "Ach, that's your audience." "They're buying your books." " But I don't have to kiss them all, do I?" " Just your number one fan." "Not in public, all right?" "I said loch." "What is the hardest thing about being a sheep farmer?" "Oh, Iow income and long hours." "Why, if you work so hard, is the income so low?" "well, it's quite simply down to cheap imports." "So, life would be a Iot easier for you farmers if we all ate Scottish sheep?" "That it certainly would." "I comprende." "And so will my readers." "This is roughly the scale of the swimming baths." "You don't say swimming pools?" "Yeah, yeah, we do, but, um, these sites were centres for bathing as well, um, when the proletariat didn't have their own bathtubs." "The swimming baths were the nexus of the community, a place where the working class could, um, get together." " And wash." "Sort of like the Ganges, right?" " Yeah, yeah." " God, this is difficult." " What are you doing?" "I'm..." "I'm trying to write." "Oh, that's great, claire." "Listen, if you have any spelling or grammar questions, just ask." "Thanks." "Check this out, right." "Pre-WWII, in a city of 200,000 people, there were 50 swimming baths." "I, I kind of gave it up for a while." "But I'm..." "I'm trying to get back into it." "Good for you." "But most of them have been killed, you know, replaced by these leisure centres... cold, impersonal, sports-oriented..." " Sorry, er, that's a changing room." " Oh." "I just thought it was garbage." " It's just, it's hard to get started." " Yeah." "That's the hard part." "It's just a thought." "Janice, this is the farming column, not an editorial slot." " Yes." " well, it's not the place for opinions." "Our paper does not support joining the single currency." "We are not advocating lower fuel costs." "But farmers want those things, David." "And I speak for farmers." "We need farmers, David." "Farms are where food comes from." "What if we ate nothing every day but Spanish vegetables?" "What about roast lamb, David?" "There are no Iambies if there are no sheep." "And where would the sheep be without the shepherd?" "Yes." "AII right." " Thank you." " Thank you." "(Sighs)" " He didn't frighten you, did he, hen?" " No." "No, he didn't." "I won." "Good for you, hen." "Go, girl reporter, go!" "(DoorbeII chimes)" "Hi, Fist." "Wasn't expecting you." "Is carol Ann here?" "No." "No, she's not." "Great." "Can I come in?" "I want to talk to you about...something." "Sure." "What's up?" "Kenny, I want to have a baby." "Ah." "And I want you to be the father." "You what?" "(Door slams)" "Bitch." "I met with a doctor who specialises in lower limb disorders." "He says, even if you can't have an erection, there are ways of harvesting sperm." "If you don't have semen discharge, they can give you an EET under general anaesthetic." " They insert a probe in your rectum..." " Fist!" " What?" " What the hell are you talking about?" "Kenny, I think we can do it on the NHS." "I want to have your child." " I have a girlfriend." " Yes." "She's cute." "I Iike her hair." "I'm not talking about getting married, Kenny." " What if I don't want to have a baby with you?" " Why not?" "I'm smart, I'm beautiful." "I'm spiritual." "I have great clothes..." "Fist..." "I don't fancy you." "You're kidding?" "Right?" "You've got a hell of a nerve coming in here, talking about spunk operations." "You'd better go." "Now!" "(CIattering)" "Oh, shite!" " What are you doing, darling?" " I'm making soup, darling." "I'm an athlete." "I cannae survive on cheese toasties." "But that's what microwaves are for, Jackie." "To enable even the novice cook to prepare a nourishing meal." "That's not the point, Janice." " I'm training all hours and where are you?" " I have a job, Jackie." "You don't need a job, Janice." "For Christ's sake, we're loaded." "I was thinking, it wouId be easier if..." "if Rab were here." "Rab cannae cook." "No, but, well, he's... ..another pair of hands." " Hiya." " Hi." " Got you a rum and coke." " Mmm." "The ice is melted." " You're late." " I'm the girl." "I'm meant to be late." "carol Ann." " Aye." " I think..." "I'm thinking..." "I'm starting a new thing with the book and all, and I'm thinking..." " Ach, I hate this." " Hate what?" "I don't know what to say, and I don't want to be one of those blokes who just doesn't call you." "Are you dumping me?" "Aye." "I mean, carol Ann, it's enough me being in the chair, but, the two of us, it's like a club or something." "I'm missing my programme." "will you not get angry with me, so I couId get drunk and puke." "I'd rather see my programme." "Come on." "You were a shite shag, Kenny McLeod." "That wasn't that bad." "You did all right." "(ExhaIes)" "LACHLAN:" "This country must feel very different for you." "JEAN:" "Not really." "I think my sensibility is more European anyway." "Oh, I can see that." "Yeah, I mean, I totally reject the American consumerist lifestyle." "I couId spend the rest of my Iife sitting in cafes, you know...arguing." "Letting my teeth rot...growing my armpit hair." "LACHLAN:" "You could live here." "well, you know, I'm gonna keep my options open." " Cheers." " Cheers." "Hey, how you doing?" "Mmm." "still on page zero." "You did really well today." "You showed up at the page." "That's the most important thing." "The rest will come." "Thanks." "Ah..." ""Poems amount to so little when you write them too early in life." "You ought to wait and gather sense and sweetness for a whole lifetime, and then, at the very end, you might perhaps be able to write ten good lines."" "See, claire, you're too young to be a writer." "LACHLAN:" "Mm-hm." "(DoorbeII)" "AII right?" "We'II try it for one month." "You gonna behave yourself?" " Aye." " No messing about." "I do what I Iike." "You work for me." " I missed you, Jackie." " Course you did." "JANICE:" "Is there someone at the door, Jackie?" " Aye." "Guess who's back?" "Rab." "Why, what a surprise." " AII right, Janice?" " Rab's coming back to work for me." " You are?" " Rab!" " Hey!" "AII right, son." " I missed you." "Did you?" " So, how many goals did you score this week?" " Seven." " That is very good." " Go lay the table, son." "Janice, listen, about the other night." "Sorry for slipping you the tongue." "No need to be sorry, Rab." "I'm not." "You're no'?" "I'm not." "(Sniffs)" "Roast lamb?" "Aye." "brilliant!" "(Laughs nervously)" "It's a good book." "(FIatIy) Angus had found the secret cave." ""Katrina," he called, "Come and see what I've found."" ""Angus," she called, "What place is this?"" ""It's the secret cave, Katrina."" "He kissed her, there at the mouth of the cave." "ALL:" "Aw." "Right, that's it." "If you want to buy a book, I'II sign it for you but that's all." "(applause starts)" "Bitch." "Who wants seconds?" "brilliant." " Ah, no, thanks, I'm kind of vegetarian lately." " Since when?" "It's something I've been thinking about for a Iong time." " As long as you get your protein, claire." " So, um, where's Karin?" "carol Ann." "She's not coming tonight." "Busy, I guess." " Uh, who liked the book?" " Jean..." "There really is no leader, so you don't always have to start the discussion." "I liked it." "It was great to read some poetry for a change." "seriously." "Why have we been reading such long books lately?" "I mean, has anyone actually finished Don Quixote?" "I Ioved Don Quixote." "(DoorbeII)" " Oh, that must be..." "DIRKA:" "How can a poem be about one thing, and at the end, he says something different?" "Yes!" "thrilling." "He was a Buddhist." " really?" " well, he flirted with Buddhism." "A Iot of German Romantics did in those days." " Um, he's Czech." " Yeah, well, he's dead now." "I don't think it matters... (wheelchair creaking)" " Hi." " Sorry I'm late." " You said she wasnae coming." " No problem." " We were just talking about the poetry." " I really liked it." "carol Ann, we have lamb a Ia grecque, with cherry tomatoes and green peppers." " would you Iike a portion?" " No, thanks." "I'm vegetarian." "I actually prefer dead animals to vegetables." "(Rab laughs) brilliant." "A Iot of them are about love, aren't they?" "You know, about desire." " What's the one about the statue?" "CAROL ANN:" "That's my favourite." "It's about the inner self." "The person inside the body." "No, it's not." "It's saying how the body isn't enough." ""We cannot know his legendary head with eyes like ripening fruit."" " Yeah." "He's looking at the statue..." " "And yet his torso is still suffused..."" "..this gorgeous body, and he's thinking..." ""Like a lamp, in which his gaze, now turned to low, gIeams in all its power..."" " It's just a statue." " "Otherwise this stone would seem defaced beneath the translucent cascade of the shoulders and would not glisten..."" "Not someone you could have a relationship with." ""..would not, from all the borders of itself, burst like a star." "For here there is no place that does not see you." "You must change your life."" "I don't get it." "LACHLAN:" "Think about it." "AII that bathing." "(Pigeons coo and flutter)" "Can you feel them?" " What?" " The nude, wet ghosts." "Whoo-ooh!" "You really enjoy your work, don't you?" "(blows whistle) Hey, you two, stop petting in the water." "(chuckles)" "Have you shown this to claire?" "Ah...no." "Not sure claire'd get it, really." "Oh, I think she would." "claire doesn't get me, Jean." "Oh, I think she does." "She hasn't had orgasm with me in...in months." "I'd rather you not involve me in that picture." "But you do!" "Get me, I mean." "Whoa, now this is, this isn't supposed to happen." "Hey, you're my sister's boyfriend." "Don't be a creep." "Come on." "really." "No, this is not good." "You are supposed to be some great guy." "I think we both know what's going on." "No." " Whoa!" "(Heavy thud)" "Shit." "And that's the surf report brought to you by Derek's Fatboards in Stornaway." "Today in the studio, we have an author, a fellow who's written a book." "Kenny McLeod." "Kenny." "DZ do chor?" "(GingerIy) Ach, cor math." "GIZ mhath..." "SIainte... (Mouths)" "So the book's causing a bit of a stir, I hear." " well, I'm just er, pleased that folk like it." " It's what you'd call a racy read?" "Aye, well, I guess..." "Yeah, there's a Iot of that, yeah." "Kenny, lots of our listeners are free kirk." "Oh, aye." " well, is there anything in it for them?" " Aye." " Aye, there is." " Toastie." "Er, so, that's, er, Peaks In The Midst by Kenneth McLeod, in the shops now." "One last question, Kenny." "Is it all based on your own experiences?" "Oh, aye." "DJ:" "Very good." "well, there you are." "You heard it here first on Radio Uist FM." "Now it's across to Angus for the shinty report." "That was shite, wasn't it?" "That was great." "The book's selling really well, Kenny." "Have you met my daughter, Harriet?" "This is Kenny." "I Iove the book." "I Iove you." "I Iove your chair." "Your chair has wings when you speak." "You're magic." "You're a magic, magic man." "Bravo." "LachIan, are you OK?" "Are you conscious?" "(LachIan groans)" "hello?" "JEAN:" "Listen, we need an ambulance." "Somewhere" "It's written in a book that I've read" "Sometimes" "It's written just the way that you said" "The book I read"