"RIPPED BY TRIVIANI" "(Dog barking)" "(Siren )" "We're going to have to tell our Hyacinth." "Oh, God, not tonight." "Tomorrow morning." "I couldn't face Hyacinth." "Not tonight." "(Policeman ) Now, ladies..." " You're new." " Only round here, lady." " Have you nothing for this address?" " Sorry." "I'd be greatly obliged if you'd make quite sure." "There's usually something for a Mrs Richard "Bouquet"." " How do you spell "Bouquet"?" " B-U-C-K-E-T." "What?" "B-U-C-K-E-T." "Oh, Bucket." "It's "Bouquet"." "Well, I'm sorry." "There's nothing here for a "Bouquet"." "Nothing for this address?" "And yet you have something for next door?" "I find that very strange." " I can't help that, lady." " But people will tell you." "It's common knowledge I receive more mail than them." "There must be a card from my sister in Tenerife." "She's back home but we're still waiting for the card." "Anything wrong, Hyacinth?" "He's mislaid my letters." "This would never have happened with my former postman." "Remember, Elizabeth, you're invited tonight to my candlelight supper." "It's engraved on my mind, Hyacinth." "Telephone, dear." "You're wanted on the phone." "I think it's urgent." "I'm not offering an opinion, that's what she said." "Please don't shout in that excitable manner outdoors." "I don't like you getting excited outdoors." "(Dog barking)" "Morning, Major!" "My God, woman!" "You can drive a man mad looking so attractive so early in the day." "Oh, Major!" "You'll not forget my little candlelight supper this evening?" "1930 hours." "I'll be there, you minx!" "You can always tell breeding." "The phone, Hyacinth." "I think it's urgent." " Hm?" " It's about your father." "We'll have to emulsion this ceiling." "We've just done it." "It's not fit to bring a major under." "It's your sister, Daisy." "She's not coming, is she?" "Not in that awful coat." "He's not bringing her." "Not in that rust bucket of a car." " I will not have..." " It's urgent." "It's so thoughtless to look as poor as they do." "Daisy, how are you, dear?" "Daddy ill?" "How ill?" "Is it of a severity necessary to cancel my candlelight supper?" "What was he doing at his age on a bicycle?" "Oh, my God." "How much to drink?" "Yes, Hyacinth." " What did she say?" " Not to go over to her place," " she's coming here." " That's all we need, a royal visit." "I was hoping she'd go straight to the hospital." "They won't let anybody in till visiting time." "Don't you remember when I was in having that breakdown on account of Mr Crabtree?" "What ever happened to Mr Crabtree?" "I swore I'd never see him again." "And for a while, I cut it back ruthlessly to every other Tuesday." "Does Boris know about you still seeing Mr Crabtree?" "Of course not." "Do you think I'm stupid?" "I don't know how you keep the pace, our Rose." "It's not easy." "If you relax for a minute, they're going back to their wives." "I envy you, our Daisy." "Me?" "It must be wonderful being married to a bum like your Onslow... so you can let yourself go completely." "I wouldn't say completely." "Near enough completely." "Get a shirt on, Onslow." "Hyacinth's coming." "Oh, nice." "She's going to want to know exactly what happened." "You'll have to tell her." "Why should I have to tell her?" "You'll have to tell her because I'll be too busy tidying up." "I hate tidying up." "I'm under the doctor for being dizzy." "I'm sure it's tidying up." "If you only got dizzy when you tidied up, you should have the clearest head in the area." "Are you parking in the turning area?" "If you park by the house, you block the road." "But fine, if you want to block the road." "It's just that I wish you would consult me." "I don't like you making decisions unilaterally." "Would you like me to lock the car?" "I think so, don't you?" "We're practically in Beirut." "Onslow." "Dickie." "Hyacinth." "Why do you let him call you Dickie?" "How can I help it if he calls me Dickie?" "(Onslow whistling)" " Queen mother's outside." " Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh!" " Give us a hand, our Rose!" " I'm expecting a call." "I gave Boris this number." "The swine promised he'd ring." "Leave it." "Leave it." " Richard!" " Now what?" "You shouldn't be stretching your legs like that at your age." "It's not fitting in broad daylight in front of prying eyes." "(Western shooting scene on TV)" " Here we are, then." " Thanks, darling." "Thanks." "(Shooting and whooping on TV)" "Drink up!" "Tell me what's happened." "Dad's not been well lately." "And why wasn't I informed?" "It's not been the kind of not well you'd want to be informed about." "What kind has it been?" "It's a bit embarrassing, really." "Embarrassing?" "Daddy?" " He's a dirty old man." " Shut up, Onslow." "Richard, go and keep an eye on the car." "I think I'll go and keep an eye on the car." "What does Onslow mean?" "He means..." "Dad's taken to going out at night on his own lately." "In the nuddy. (Laughs )" "(Onslow laughing)" "But..." "But..." "Why would father be in the nude?" " He's in love with the milkwoman." " Oh, don't be so ridiculous." "You'd have thought so if you'd seen him peddling after her stark naked on his bike." "He chased her for a mile down by the canal." "But the milkwoman doesn't go anywhere near the canal." "She did last night." "He caught her on her way to bingo." "Well, you know how fond he is of dairy products," "I expect he wanted to order extra cream." "Why would your father have been naked?" "I don't believe it." "And keep your voice down." "He looks bad enough with his clothes on." "Daddy would never be naked." "Why would he be naked when he's got his name down for a nice old person's bungalow?" " This way, Mrs Bucket." " It's "Bouquet"." " How are you feeling, Mr Oxley?" " Better than him." "Daddy." "I'm afraid he won't be aware of much, Mrs Bucket, er, "Bouquet"." "He's quite comfortable but heavily sedated." "Oh, Daddy." "Should he be in a ward with a person who wears his hat in bed?" "I'll leave you with your father." "Doctor, what condition was my father in when he was admitted?" "Drunk as a skunk." "I expect he was flushed from excessive cycling." "Can you describe what he was wearing?" "Very quickly." "Very little, really." "To be honest, nothing at all." "There must be some mistake." "Yes, that's what I thought." "It was quite a chilly evening." "He'd been in the canal." "He was that plastered, he wobbled off into the canal." "Well, that explains it." "My father was cycling along the canal when he saw someone in distress." "So he removed his outer garments and dived in to save them." "Oh, brave Daddy." "Very commendable." "He must have removed more than his outer garments, Mrs Bucket." ""Bouquet"." "When he was pulled out, he was absolutely naked." "Pollution!" "What he'd been wearing was obviously dissolved by the pollution." "Excuse me." "I must attend to my other patient." "Why is he sedated after such a plucky act?" "He was highly excited and there was the injury." "From the milk bottle?" "Poor lamb." "Where is the injury?" "You may tell me the worst." "I demand to be shown the extent of his injuries." "Very well." "Where is the injury?" "Never you mind." "How are things?" "I'm too distressed at the moment, Elizabeth." "My father is recovering from injuries sustained in the course of a very plucky action, which he modestly forbids me to discuss." "Oh, but is there anything I..." "Just give me time to recover my composure, then come and take tea with me at 3:25." "3:25." "Not 27." "(Doorbell)" "Oh, it's you, Elizabeth." "A bit early, perhaps, but do come in." "I thought it was 3:25." " Not quite, dear." " My watch says 3:25." "Oh, that watch." "Yes, I expect it would." "Shall we go through to the kitchen?" "I don't know why you won't let me through your back door." "I think it's so common, don't you, using back doors?" "No, the proper way for my guests, I always feel, is through the front door." " And straight into the kitchen?" " Well, yes." "Unless, of course, it's someone special." "Now I know you're saying to yourself, "How is she being so brave?"" "Well, yes, I am brave." "My father would wish it." "I admit I miss my Sheridan at times like these." "He's such a comfort to his mother, as well as gifted." "Do sit down, Elizabeth, make yourself at home." "Not there, dear, I like to face the window." "(Hyacinth sighs )" "Lemon?" "My word." "Doesn't someone look smarter than she did earlier?" "Something new, dear?" "No, no, I've had it ages." "Oh, yes." "I can see you have now." "I thought we'd have the nicer china." " Oh, thank you, Hyacinth." " They're a family heirloom." "Oh, God." "Don't give me anything special." "So you will be careful, won't you?" "Biscuit?" "Thank you." "I had six of these until one got into the hands of Onslow one Christmas." "I could've killed him." "Course, one can't make a fuss on festive occasions but he certainly got the short end of the turkey, I can tell you." "Did they tell you what was wrong with your father?" "Something mildly embarrassing." "A minor geriatric complaint," "I couldn't catch the medical terminology." "Oh." " (Phone rings )" " Oh!" "No, you cannot have a number 24." "Nor a double portion of 37." "This isn't the Chinese takeaway." "This is a private, slimline white telephone with no connection whatsoever to any business or trade." "Especially not one of foreign extraction." "Oh, Hyacinth, I'm so sorry." "Do stop worrying, we're not going to fall out over a cup and saucer." "Even a very old, irreplaceable cup and saucer." "Oh, it would happen to me!" "I know it can't be easy to be dainty when you're all thumbs." "There, I think that will do until I can afford more time." " Oh, dear." " We won't worry any more about some expensive carpet and a cup that's been around for ages." "Which reminds me, did you soil your dress?" "No." "No, it's surprising." "It didn't." "I'm fine." "That's amazing." "Would you like another cup of Earl Grey?" "No, thank you!" " In a beaker, perhaps?" " No, thank you." "Well, it's all over now." "All over everywhere." "Do sit down again, Elizabeth." "Have you heard from Gail recently?" "Er, yes, she rang at the weekend." " A daughter always should." " Oh, Gail's very good that way." "So is my Sheridan." "I tremble to think sometimes what he spends on phone calls to his mother." "Not that he can't afford it." "They gave him a very good grant at the poly to stop him being tempted by Oxford or Cambridge." " Gail's studying hard." " Well, it's a struggle, isn't it, when they're not academically gifted." "Our Gail is academically gifted." "Is she?" "I wonder who I can be confusing her with?" "Perhaps it's that boy she's living so openly unmarried with." "I hardly think so." "Harold is a nice boy with a first-class brain." " Is he?" " Yes, he is, I can assure you." "Well, you'd never know to look at him." "(Phone rings )" "I hope that's not Daddy going septic." "The "Bouquet" residence." "The lady of the house speaking." "Oh, it's you, Violet." "It's my sister Violet." "The one who married the turf accountant." "He built that big house with room for a sauna and a pony." " Have I spoken about her?" " Frequently." "Slow down, Violet, dear." "You sound very excited." "I know it's been a shock about Daddy." "Well, what are you excited about?" "Violet, that's not a word I expected to hear you use on the telephone." "Bruce?" "What about Bruce?" "I don't..." "Oh..." "Well, I've never liked him on account of those ice cubes he serves shaped like naked ladies." "Why shouldn't he buy a whip?" "I expect he got it from a jockey." "What does he use it for?" "Violet, would you ring back, dear?" "No, all right." "I'll stay on the phone." "(Doorbell)" "Hold on!" "There's a person at the door." "Elizabeth, would you see to that for me, dear?" "Kindly inform them that I am at home and I will receive them momentarily." "No, dear." "It's Elizabeth from next door." "Right." "The one who's all thumbs." "Well, you met her once at one of my candlelight suppers." "What do you mean, you couldn't see anybody?" "She's fine." "She's just broken one of Grandmother's cups." "It's a security latch." "There's a little button." "Richard had it installed to protect me from anyone desperate." "They would have to be." " Oh, electric." " Have you been next door?" " Yes, nobody's in." " I know." "I'm here." "I've left you a card." "It's the electric man to read your meter." "Is it the one with the funny moustache?" " Tell her yes." " He says yes." "Make him wait till I've looked at his feet." "Look, Violet, I have to go, dear." "I've got the electric." "My goodness." "I'm so sorry." "I've been thinking about my sister." "She's had a rather active holiday." "Oh, the shoes!" "You've remembered our procedure from last time." "Very well." "Well, leave them outside and do come in." "Thank you, dear." "You are a great improvement on the one I had before." "He used to brush against my walls." "Of course, I rang his superiors." "I said, "I will not have electric men brushing against my walls."" "Elizabeth, close the door, dear." "The heat's on." "Ah!" "Fingers." "8321." "OK." "Is your electric as clean as it was?" "My hobs are sometimes very difficult to clean." "Cleanest fuel there is." "But it goes to some funny families." "Can you check to see I get it first?" "Leave it with me, lady." "Because I won't have it if it's been to some of those places." "Righto, madam." "Much obliged." "It's only me." "Shouldn't that be "It's only I", dear?" "Especially as you're shouting it near the neighbours." "I'm not sure." "Neither am I, so you must be careful." "How's your father?" "I rang the ward sister." "She says he's sitting up and taking an interest..." " That's good." " ..in the physiotherapist." "He thinks he's in love with the physiotherapist." "It's probably just the drugs." "And that swine Bruce wants my sister to wear some awful leather outfit." "Is he going to take her motorcycling?" "No, it's not motorcycling." "It's something he picked up in Spain." "What, bullfighting?" "I don't think it's that, either." "Anyway, enough of my problems." "Did you get my parsley?" "Yes, in the kitchen." "You'll never guess who I bumped into." "Good." "Would you polish those glasses for me, dear?" "Then give me a hand with buffing up the cruet?" "(Phone rings )" "Sheridan!" "How sensitive of you to call, dear." "What a close psychic link we have, you and I." "What does he want?" "I don't know that he wants anything." "He's just ringing his mother." "You need how much, Sheridan?" "For what?" "You've joined an organisation?" "Well, that's nice, dear." "Making friends." "What kind of an organisation?" "Is it like a club, a golf club?" "Not a golf club." "I see." "Just a group of friends." "You call yourselves what, dear?" "The Sword of the People?" "Now, do be careful, Sheridan." "Make sure they're not too sharp." "And always wear a mask." "You do wear masks?" "Well, that's very sensible." "You'll pay Daddy back when?" "When you've robbed your first bank!" "Sheridan!" "Dear, couldn't you find some nice philatelic society to join?" "No, we will not send a cheque." "Richard, that's Sheridan..." " (Phone rings )" " Oh!" "Now listen, Sheridan, you've upset your father." "Oh, Major, I'm so sorry!" "I was expecting another call." "Yes." "Oh, yes, my candlelight supper is still on." "Oh, it's been a funny day but we have to press on." "Would I like some flowers from your conservatory?" "How very kind." "Yes, I'll pop along now." "That's very civilised of you, Major." "Bye." " What about Sheridan?" " Don't send him any money." "Oh, isn't this delightful?" "You know, this is so kind of you." " I've cut some prime blooms for you." " Oh, lovely." " You grew them all yourself." " Especially for you." "Oh!" "I must rush along." "I er... (Gasping)" "Oh, you're so athletic!" " Oh!" " Ooh!" "Urgh!" "What's wrong now?" "Nothing is wrong." "As far as anyone is concerned, nothing is wrong." "We're going to have a candlelight supper, it will be the usual success." "I see no reason for trailing our problems in front of our friends." " Is the Major coming?" " Yes, Richard." "I do believe the Major will be coming." "And it's a good job he is a major." "If he was a sergeant, he wouldn't get a foot past the door."