"HOGAN:" "From the information we've gathered on the troop movements, they're converging on this area right here." "MAN:" "Mmm." "That's a lot of Germans to be meeting in one place." "We think they're planning on a big push." "You're going to have to try and slow them down." "Well, we can blow up these bridges." "Land mines on these roads will take care of the truck convoys." "Don't forget the air fields." "I never forget an air field." "Just one thing that bothers me about this whole operation." "What's that?" "We gathered the information too easy." "Oh, that's the way it happens in this business." "Sometimes it comes easy, sometimes not so easy, and sometimes not at all." "You better get ready to move out." "LeBeau's going to release some of those dogs to create a diversion." "All right." "Everything's clear up here, sir." "Good luck." "Thank you." "Good luck." "( tapping )" "( trap door whirring )" "Pierre get off okay?" "He should be at the other end of the tunnel by now." "( dogs barking )" "Well, LeBeau's letting the dogs loose." "Good." "( gunshots ) ( alarm sounding )" "Something went wrong." "What happened to the dogs?" "I let them out and they started chasing a rabbit." "And they say a dog is man's best friend." "Hey, Schultzy!" "Schultzy!" "Back... back..." "everybody..." "Everybody back from the prisoner!" "Back... back from the prisoner." "Oh, blimey, that's a nice overcoat." "He must be in the black market." "Quiet!" "Herr Kommandant!" "I caught this prisoner outside the fence." "So what were you doing there?" "Let me see your papers." "I don't have any papers." "I lost them." "That's very suspicious." "How can you say that?" "Hogan, we're not interested in what you're saying." "Herr Kommandant, I searched him." "He has nothing." "Mm-hmm." "Search these men." "( giggling )" "Oh, Schultz." "Cut it out!" "CARTER:" "I don't have anything." "Don't tickle me, Schultzy, please." "Herr Kommandant, nothing." "See?" "The man's a nobody." "On the contrary, my dear, Hogan." "He's a somebody." "This man is a spy." "How can you say that?" "You found nothing on him that was suspicious." "That in itself is suspicious." "Now you can search over 100,000 persons and not one person will have absolutely nothing in his pockets." "Now that not only makes him suspicious, but that makes him guilty." "He's a spy." "Isn't that logical, Hogan?" "If that's so, you'll find a lot of spies at the beach." "( groans )" "So you won't answer any questions?" "All right, Mr. Spy." "If you don't answer them now, you will answer them later." "We have ways of handling that." "Take him to the guard house." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "Hmm, imagine an ordinary spy trying to match wits with me." "It's pitiful." "You got a complete confession out of him, of course." "Not exactly." "But the Gestapo has ways of making a man talk." "You're turning him over to the Gestapo?" "Wow, I suppose you know what you're doing." "I know exactly what I'm doing..." "What's wrong with what I'm doing?" "What's wrong?" "You caught a spy, right?" "That's right." "You turn him over to the Gestapo?" "Exactly, yes." "They find out he's a big, important spy, who gets the credit, you or the Gestapo?" "I get..." "I will personally question him until he cracks." "You're just the man to do it, sir." "( gunshot )" "We're being attacked!" "Whoever it was, he's gone." "Are you sure?" "It's only my men out there." "Search them!" "There is no excuse for such an accident." "You think it was an accident?" "Of course it was!" "What else?" "It was an accident!" "Of course it was an accident." "If you say so." "But I'm getting out of here." "I don't want to get involved in another accident by accident." "Colonel, I'm sorry about that pistol going off." "Don't be sorry." "You just gave me an idea of how we can spring Pierre." "You mean shoot Klink?" "That's almost it." "Carter, get out your junior chemistry set." "I want you to make up a few little things." "Okay, Colonel." "Well, it's going to have to be some plan if you're going to get rid of those ten soldiers guarding Pierre." "How you gonna do it?" "Easy." "They're going to be guarding somebody more important." "Colonel..." "can I see you a minute?" "Yes, Hogan, what is it?" "I'm busy." "We'd like you to help settle an argument, sir." "What argument?" "Well, we can't seem to agree which is the most perfect Aryan type." "I say it's Goering." "You're right." "I say it's Goebbels." "You're right, too." "Oh, for me it's Himmler." "You're all right." "They're all perfect." "KLINK:" "Air raid!" "What's happening?" "What was that explosion." "Nothing, Colonel." "Just another accident." "I can't understand it." "Why would anyone want to kill me?" "Who have I ever hurt?" "Maybe it isn't personal." "There is nothing more personal than being killed." "Maybe it's some kind of psychopathic killer." "Somebody that just has the urge to kill, kill, kill." "Ah... don't worry about that." "That kind of killer always gets caught because they never give up trying." "They never give up trying?" "Not until they get caught." "Sloppy of me." "Thank you." "You're welcome." "Boy, that's strong coffee." "It's poisoned." "He's tried it again." "Now he's gone too far!" "Thank you, Hogan." "He could have killed me!" "We've got to find this guy, this Mr. X." "Hogan, how can we find him?" "Do you realize how many men are in this camp?" "But only one man is Mr. X." "Only one is the killer." "Shh!" "There's no killer yet." "Why quibble about a matter of time?" "Please, Hogan, everyone in my family lived to be at least 80." "It's a tradition." "So you break tradition." "But I love tradition." "Maybe there is a way to fool Mr. X and get him to show his hand." "There is?" "Tell me;" "I'll do anything." "It'd be dangerous." "Don't tell me." "Not for you;" "for someone else." "Tell me." "We get somebody to take your place while you're safely hidden." "Then the killer's next move would be against the decoy." "You step in and capture him." "Hogan, that's a wonderful idea." "I know just the man who could do it." "Who?" "You." "Not me!" "I'd be a sitting duck." "Get someone else." "No, I can't." "Suppose the man I picked turned out to be Mr. X himself?" "Well, that's your funeral." "( moans )" "Sorry." "Hogan, I'm not asking you to do this for me." "You're not?" "Look, if something happened to me, who would be to blame?" "You and your men." "I hadn't thought of it that way." "So you see, you must look at this selfishly, for your own good." "You must do it, Hogan." "Okay." "Good." "Suppose you know I could be shot as a spy for wearing this uniform." "Hogan, why don't you stop worrying about yourself and worry about me!" "Sorry, sir, there goes that selfish streak again." "You will stay in this office until Mr. X makes his next move." "I shall hide in my quarters." "Mm-hmm." "Herr Kommandant, I..." "Schultz, no one is to know about this." "This is top secret." "I won't tell anybody, but what's the secret?" "Hogan is taking my place." "Now, if anyone asks for me, just tell them I will be right here in this office." "Oh." "I don't know why I'm doing this." "That maniac could toss a grenade in this office any time." "M-m-m, I better leave." "Hogan!" "I don't want anything to interfere with your plans to trap Mr. X." "I don't want to be in the way either." "Hey..." "Look at the colonel." "How do I look?" "Good enough to kill." "You got yourself a new tailor?" "What's up, Colonel?" "Klink is hiding in his quarters and I'm a sitting duck for the mystery killer." "Is everything proceeding according to plan?" "Right on the nose." "Thank you." "Get Pierre out of the guard house and send him out through the tunnel tonight." "What about the soldiers?" "Don't worry about them." "They'll be guarding Klink in his quarters." "You can be sure of that." "The coast will be clear." "Colonel Hogan, there's a man who wants to see you." "Me?" "What's he want to see me for?" "Not you." "He wants to see the Kommandant." "Tell him I'm not in." "Tell him..." "You tell him." "Colonel Klink?" "It all depends." "Who are you?" "I want to speak with you, Colonel." "Privately." "Jawohl." "I am General Brenner of the SS." "My pleasure, sir." "You're not in uniform." "That's part of my being here." "My credentials." "Very good." "There's to be a meeting tomorrow of the utmost secrecy." "I am in charge of security." "A meeting?" "Where?" "Right here in this camp." "I'm certainly flattered." "Your camp has been picked because it is most convenient for the three men who will attend." "One is 108 kilometers away, another 220 kilometers and a third 250 kilometers." "About this meeting..." "I'm sorry." "I can tell you nothing." "And naturally you will say nothing." "You understand?" "Naturally." "Can you give me a hint?" "The meeting will take place tomorrow morning at 0900 hours." "From now until the meeting is over, nobody is allowed to leave or enter the camp." "No outgoing phone calls will be accepted by the operator." "You've certainly thought of everything." "In the SS we usually do." "Uh-huh." "You will see that all these security measures are taken?" "General, you can depend on it." "As sure as my name is Klink." "Everything squared away?" "It's all set, Colonel." "Newkirk and LeBeau will have Pierre out in a half an hour, and then we'll put him through the tunnel." "That's fine." "Something wrong, Colonel?" "I don't know." "There's going to be a top-level, top-secret meeting at the camp here tomorrow." "I have a funny feeling." "Let me see a map." "All right, let's see." "Three men are coming to the meeting." "One from 108 kilometers." "Now, there's our camp right there." "108 kilometers." "220 kilometers." "250 kilometers." "What are you looking for, Colonel?" "I don't know." "There might be some pattern here." "Hey, this circle goes through the Nazi Third Army headquarters." "That's right." "And this circle is the 15th Armored Division." "This circle, Field Marshal Von Galter's headquarters." "Those are the three groups that are converging on this point here, according to the information we just gave to Pierre." "Yeah, that's right, but I mean, if the plans were already made, why are they having a meeting and why is the meeting so secret?" "That's just what I'd like to find out." "I've got to figure some way to get to that meeting." "Expecting a friend?" "Hogan, didn't you ever hear of knocking?" "In my own house?" "Hogan, just because you're wearing my uniform doesn't mean that you're me." "Good." "I was afraid this uniform might be contagious." "Hogan, why aren't you at the office?" "They may be looking for me." "I mean, you." "This time of night, Mr. X wouldn't be looking there." "He'd be looking here." "He would?" "Here?" "It's only logical." "I am not interested in logic!" "As a matter of fact the whole thing is becoming so ridiculous, it's laughable." "It's a brave man who can laugh at death." "Hogan," "I am going to my office tomorrow." "Now there must be a simple explanation for what has happened." "The simplest." "Somebody down here hates you." "By the way, did Schultz tell you a man came to the office today?" "Yes." "Who was it?" "A very suspicious character." "He might very well be our man." "( chuckles )" "He said he was from the Gestapo." "Why should that be suspicious?" "Because he was a pleasant, likable guy." "You're right." "There is no one in the Gestapo that fits that description." "Why didn't you have him arrested?" "Because he said he was coming back tomorrow with a couple of other men from the Gestapo." "A Mr. X, Y and Z." "Sure glad you're going to be in the office instead of me." "Me?" "I'm not going to the office." "You are." "But you just said..." "I said, I said..." "Look, Hogan, I made an agreement with you." "Now I'm going to hold you to it." "You drive a hard bargain, Klink." "You've got to practice your draw, sir." "Something wrong?" "You dumb ox!" "When you're coming in, why don't you say that you're coming in?" "But you told me not to tell anybody that you're here." "Oh, am I hungry." "Uh-uh... there's not enough dinner for two." "Well, that's okay with me." "The same man that made the coffee may have made that dinner." "Ah..." "Hogan..." "oh, my manners." "Won't you join me for dinner?" "Well, I'd rather not." "When I eat dinner," "I like to know I'll be around for breakfast." "Oh, that's so foolish, Hogan." "There's nothing wrong with this dinner." "Well, okay." "Hmm, hmm, hmm." "Almost 9:00, sir." "I know." "They'll be here any minute for the meeting." "You sure you got all our microphones out of the office?" "This is the last one, sir." "Good." "Colonel Hogan, have you given any thought to..." "To the possibility that one of the men at the meeting might know Klink personally?" "Yeah, I thought about it." "Could be a sticky situation, sir." "That's the chance we'll have to take." "I'll show you the walkie-talkie setup, Colonel." "Lead the way." "I got it all set so we can receive you in the tunnel." "All you have to do is snap on that clip." "Hm-mm." "I just hope there's something for you to receive." "Like that, huh?" "Right." "Okay." "...and I will not tolerate any excuses." "In this camp things are done one way, my way." "I'm sorry, Herr Colonel." "It won't happen again." "And don't you forget it." "And by the way, don't let me hear any more of those decadent French love songs." "Yes, Herr Kommandant." "Excuse me, gentlemen, won't you come this way." "Now, gentlemen." "Colonel Klink, this is Lieutenant General Baumgarten..." "Major General Begalein... and Field Marshal von Galter." "I know Colonel Klink." "You do?" "When you were a baby." "I suppose I've changed since then." "As I remember, you were always crying." "I hardly ever cry anymore." "Uncle Rudolph and I went to school together." "Ah, yes, good old Uncle Rudolph." "I haven't seen him in quite a while." "He's been dead 20 years." "That is quite a while." "Tell me, your aunt, is she still, uh..." "Yes, yes, she is." "She certainly is." "And her son, the wild one?" "Did he ever...?" "Never, never." "So... so... so..." "And the girl, she is still.." "Yes, I'm afraid she is." "Too bad, too bad." "Certainly is nice discussing old family gossip like this." "All right, Field Marshal." "The room is clean." "HOGAN:" "I should hope so." "I want you to know I run a clean office." "I was speaking about electronic listening devices." "Now, please, if you leave us." "Of course, of course." "If there's anything you need, gentlemen," "I'll be in the outer office." "Just see that we are not disturbed." "Most certainly, sir, most certainly." "The main element in this operation is surprise." "Troop commanders will not receive their orders until the last moment." "As a deception, all units will follow different routes." "All units will follow different routes." "All units will follow different routes." "Enemy intelligence will report small-scale troop movements." "The main body will send out small detachments to engage us." "Small detachments to engage us." "That's right, double the guard." "I will tolerate no breach of security." "Jawohl." "Orders are not to engage, but to regroup and deliver a smashing blow against the allies." "And where is the regrouping point, Herr Field Marshal?" "At the place where we have been secretly stockpiling supplies for six months." "...where we have been secretly stockpiling supplies for six months." "...stockpiling supplies for six months." "Only two people, the Fuhrer and I, know where it is." "Gentlemen, that place is..." "That place is..." "That place is..." "The place is here." "Where... right where?" "Where?" "Where?" "Right here." "Excuse me, gentlemen." "Excuse me." "It was here a moment ago." "Ah, yes." "If you desire to smoke." "Klink!" "Yes, sir, go on with your meeting." "Terribly sorry." "Go on with your meeting." "That place is Mendelberg." "Mendelberg." "Potted plant signing off." "Disgraceful, absolutely disgraceful!" "Letting a spy escape, and from my camp where no prisoner has ever escaped!" "But Herr Kommandant, you ordered maximum security for yourself because you were afraid that someone might kill you." "Afraid?" "I'm not afraid." "Of course not, Herr Kommandant." "A little worried, but-but definitely not afraid." "Schultz, you're an idiot." "Yes, sir." "A bumbling, incompetent, irresponsible idiot." "Colonel Klink..." "Never mind, Hogan!" "Oh, I'm sorry." "I didn't realize I was interrupting a family quarrel between you and Sergeant Schultz." "Not Sergeant Schultz, Private Schultz of the Russian front!" "Get the search parties out." "Cancel all passes." "I want every man who is not on duty to find that spy." "He must be captured." "You sure you want him back?" "Of course I'm sure!" "Don't I want him back?" "Well, until you caught this so-called spy, nothing ever happened to you." "Then you catch him and three times somebody tries to kill you." "Hmm." "You know, Hogan, I'm not really so sure that that man was a spy after all." "There was nothing in his pockets that looked suspicious." "But you said..." "Never mind what I said!" "I said that you were a private." "You're still a sergeant." "Thank you, Herr Kommandant." "I should forget about the search party for the prisoner." "What prisoner?" "The spy." "What spy?" "The commandant's willing to forget the whole matter, Schultz." "It's off the record." "It never happened." "That's right, Schultz." "Forget all about the prisoner." "What prisoner?" ""(End of Episode)""