"which is that it's difficult, difficult lemon difficult." "You betcha." "Huh?" "I do think a consensus is forming." "No, No, it's not, and you have no basis for saying that." "LINTON:" "Karen, calm down." "Because we don't want you to have another haemorrhage." "MALCOLM:" "Linton!" "Linton!" "Mr Tucker, isn't it?" "Nice to see you again." "Are you fucking me about?" "Is there a problem, Mr Tucker?" "I've just come from a briefing with a nine-year-old child." "You're talking about AJ." "AJ is one of our top guys." "He's a Stanton College Prep, Harvard." "One of the brightest and best." "Well, his briefing notes were written in alphabetti spaghetti." "When I left, I nearly tripped up over his fucking umbilical cord." "I'm sorry it troubles you that our people achieve excellence at such an early age." "But could we just move on to what's important here?" "Now, I understand that your Prime Minister has asked you to supply us with some, say, fresh British intelligence, is that true?" "Yeah, apparently, your fucking master race of highly-gifted toddlers" " can't quite get the job done..." " All right." "...between breast feeds and playing with their Power Rangers." "So, an actual grown-up has been asked to fucking bail you out." "Ah, Minister." "Thank you so much for your support, we appreciate it." "And what did you say, that "Climb the mountain of conflict"?" " Right, that's terrific." " It's quite complicated in terms of my..." "It's early days, my friend." "All roads lead to Munich." ""All roads lead to Munich"?" "What the fuck does that mean?" "I think it just means..." "Actually, I don't know what it means." "TOBY:" "You see that?" "Pull that out, America deflates." "Yeah, very easy to mock." "The closest you'll come to getting one of those is buying a fucking Toblerone." "I'll meet you in the car." "Come on, back to London." "So, what are we going back to apart from a nice cup of tea and some knife crime?" "Constituency surgery in Northampton." "Oh, great." "Meeting my constituents." "It's like being Simon Cowell but without the ability to say," ""Fuck off you're mental."" "SIMON:" "It's stuck." "WOMAN:" "Simon, do you mind?" "If you just kick it at the bottom really hard, that should do it." "I'm just going to go and deal with that guttering." "We've just come back from America, Roz." "Right." "How was the President?" "Good, actually." "Yeah." "Good." "Oh, dear, how the mighty have fallen." "From White House to shitehouse." "Actually, mate, sorry, fuck this, could you get under there?" " Is that any better?" " No." "This septic tank, if we didn't even know it was there in the first place, how come we're responsible for it now?" "I think what's causing the problem is that it's not actually a council septic tank." " You should leave this to us now." " Really?" "Certainly, I'm completely on board." " Is he?" " Thanks for coming in." " All right?" " Right, yes, thank you." " Thank you." " Thanks very much." "Thanks." " Hello." " Hello." " Mr Foster." " Call me Simon." " Right, OK." " You've met Roz." " I know I have." " Lovely." "I'll keep it brief, I know you're a busy man." "There's a fellow there who wants to stop people talking in foreign languages in shops." "Yeah." "Well, this sometimes can be a magnet for people who are slightly mentally dispossessed." "And also very sensible people, like yourself, Paul." " Paul, why don't you just..." " Don't you fucking patronise me, mate." "Paul, why don't you just outline the whole issue?" "Right, OK, I'll tell you again." "Your constituency side wall..." " Uh-huh." "...is falling down." "Your wall... is falling into my mother's garden." "She tried to call the office, but she was fobbed off." "Fobbed off by your people, because she's not Lord Snooty in a posh car or Madonna on a horse." "Well, that I..." "I find that sort of thing incredibly irritating myself." "It's a patch from London, it's Karen Clark." "Urgent." " Hello?" "Sorry, I'm not here." " Sorry, Paul." " I have to take this." " Am I being fobbed off?" "Absolutely not." "What's the difference between being fobbed off and what happened?" "You won't be able to forget me, Simon." "What's going on there, Simon?" "It's..." "It's departmental business." "It's about a wall." " Oh, Gaza?" " Uh-huh." "I'm wondering where you were in committee, Simon." "I called for back-up and you sat there like a dumb sack of shit." "Only maybe worse, because, actually, on a molecular level, shit is probably fizzling with energy." "I have to say, Karen, I do have a clear strategy on this, which is I'm playing..." "playing the long game." "PAUL:" "Still here, Simon." "They've bounced us into a short game, and you just sat there like a..." "What do you call it in England?" "A wanker." "No, we don't call it that." "ROZ:" "Paul." "Paul." "Perhaps if I had a bomb strapped to my chest, I'd get more attention." "He's mentioned the matter of a bomb." "I'm not going to let a bomb off, I work for the National Trust." "How do I know you're not going to let a bomb off?" "Listen, Paul, why don't I give you, the details of my cell" " so that you..." " Mobile phone details." " Mobile phone details." " Have you got a mobile, Paul?" " Of course I've got a fucking mobile!" " Roz." "What is wrong with you?" "Five megapixels." "Can we see the wall?" "Would that satisfy you?" " Well, it's a start." " Friends again?" "Let's go and do it." "I'm not... not your friend, and I'm not your friend." "Thank you." "That's a pleasure." "Thank you." "Done." "I'm done, I'm done." " Thank you." " Let's go have a good look at that wall." "Four more constituents." "How many do you think are going to be like that?" "OK, hang on." "Also the committee got leaked and that leak came from your department." "I want a head on a plate, to go." "You're not my boss." "Er... fuck off!" "You can't make me sack people." "Why does she want someone sacked?" "Ah, she said there's a leak..." "The detail of the committee meeting in America was made public." "There shouldn't have been as many people there." "Right, and who does she want sacked?" " Somebody from our office." " Right." "Let's forget it." "Come on, next person." " Could it have been Judy?" " Probably." "SIMON:" "Judy, can you come into my office, I need a word?" "One second." "Tobes, that's for you." "What is it?" " It's that madman about the wall." " The war?" "Wall!" "Eugh." "Will you please come into my office so I can give you a bollocking?" "JUDY:" "Yeah, OK, OK, what?" " Hello." " Argh!" "Fucker!" " I want a word with you." "And you, Charlotte fucking Brontë." "What can I do for you, Paul?" "You know those buttresses that you had put up for the wall?" "They are utterly insubstantial to even the untrained eye, and I'm looking at them." "And my eye's trained." "No, I get that, I do..." "I understand that." "If that wall collapsed and my mother was in the greenhouse, that could crush her to death." "Do you know how old she is?" "Tell the reporter how old you are." "I'm 60." "She's 60..." "You're not fucking 60!" "If it's going in the newspaper, I'm 60." "Olivia Newton-John's 60 and she's not on the fucking statins, is she?" " I didn't leak anything." " Don't you fucking walk out on me." " I'm just getting my tea." "SIMON:" "Let her get a cup of tea." "Could you just get your mum to stay away from the wall for the time being?" "She can't stay away, she's got to water her plants." "Could she maybe do it with a hose, from a distance?" "She's got a watering can!" "Calm down, Paul, calm down." "I'm not..." "I'm fucking Zen." "I've brought my nunchucks if you need them, sir." "See how the meeting goes." "12:30." "Hold on." "General?" "Yeah..." "Secretary Linton Barwick asked me to let you know that his last meeting looks like it's overrunning," "He sends his apologies." "When will he be here?" "I don't have that information at this moment." "What the fuck?" "Huh?" " Did he stand me up?" " No, no, sir." " You're more than welcome to wait." " Do you know what I'm going to do?" "I'm going to take a nice big shit on his desk, just to let him know that I was here." "Is that OK with you?" "I don't think he'd like that too much, sir." "You can wait." "We have some very interesting periodicals." " There's um..." " Oh, yeah." "You want me to read a periodical at this time of national crisis?" "Huh?" "Sit here with my thumb up my ass reading a paper?" "Finding out what?" "Which little starlet fucked some guy this week?" "No, I wasn't suggesting that, sir." "Give this to your boss." "Yeah." "Get out of my way." "KAREN:" "Oh, my God." "What's up?" "Fucking Linton stood me up." "He's playing me like a turkey stick on a bass drum." "Do you know where he is?" "He's playing squash." "MILLER:" "With this little fucking twit?" "No, not with..." "No, that's Chad." "He just carries that every day, because he's hoping to play squash." "I was going to eat lunch in here." "Can you digest?" "Do you want some food?" "Oh, yes, I can digest, yes." "Chinese OK?" "Why don't you order me some little mammals?" "A little bunny and a little puppy, and a little cat, so I can twist their fucking neck off and drink their blood." "My, my." "All right." "While Foster jets around at the taxpayers' expense, his constituency wall is collapsing and he doesn't give a shit." "It doesn't say that?" "No." "But it does say "Wall-ace And Gromit"." "Wall-ace, though." "You're being portrayed as the biggest twat in Northamptonshire." "I've got bigger fish to fry, believe me." "I'm giving this to somebody else." "Jamie!" "Ah, the crossest man in Scotland." "Well, if it isn't Humpty Numpty." "What is this?" "Surround bollocking?" "Hey, with due respect, I hadn't finished." "If it isn't Humpty Numpty sitting on top of a collapsing wall like some clueless egg cunt." "Now, I'm finished." "Hi, Jamie, this is Toby." "Oh, um..." "Toby Rice, I'm Simon's aide." "Hi, Toby, Toby." "Very pleased to meet you." "Please sit down." "Now, right, that's enough of all the fucking Oxbridge pleasantries." " What's Oxbridge about saying hello?" " Shut it, Love Actually!" "Do you want me to hole punch your face?" "Right, I'm off to deal with the fate of the planet." "Be gentle with them." "Oh, you know me, Malc." "Kid gloves..." "but made from real kids." "Right, Butch and Gaydance, this wall story is playing badly." "There's a cartoon of you in here as a walrus." "A walrus?" "I'm not fat, I don't even have a moustache." "Fuck, they've given me tusks." " Wal-rus." " Yes, I know." "You get it?" "Wal-rus, wal-rus." "We called some builders." "They didn't turn up when they said they would." "What did you expect?" "They're builders!" "Have you ever seen a film where the hero is a builder?" "No, no, because they never fucking turn up in the nick of time." "Bat-builder?" "Spider-builder?" "Huh?" "That's why you never see a superhero with a hod." "You know, my theory is Malcolm built him in a lab out of bits of old psychopath." "Hello, ladies." "OK, well, I'm just going to go to the bar." "Good idea, we're on the Sancerre." " If you can afford that." " If you can get served at the bar." " Yes, thank you, Oscar Wilde." " He might not get served, bless him." "Toby's got a message." "Hang on." "What's that?" " Oh, fucking wow, I don't believe it." " What?" "I don't fucking..." "I don't believe it, he's done it again." "Little shit, he's such a shit." "What?" " Here he is." " There you are." "The finest Sancerre in the Westminster reach." "So, this Liza, you shagged her, yeah?" "What?" "No." "Were you aware he was ball-deep in some Washington wonk?" " Suzy!" " I didn't know anything about his balls." "Can we not discuss my balls and accusations in..." "Just tell me why." "Huh?" "I don't know, Suzy." "It was very weird over there, very intense." "Right." "Maybe, I don't know, on some level, subconsciously, it was like a... it was just..." "it was a last-ditch attempt to stop this... awful war, you know?" "Just on a..." "I mean, you know, I don't mean, obviously, to try..." " Wow." " That's classic." "...to try and actually stop it." "Toby, did you just say that you had sex to stop the war?" "No, no, no." "An anti-war shag?" "Is that what you thought, Toby?" "Because, that's..." "Wow." "Can we just go and discuss this somewhere where there aren't enormous children eating snacks?" "He's got his little cannons and he's got his little guns, and this is the problem with civilians wanting to go to war." "Once you've been there, once you've seen it, you never want to go again, unless you absolutely fucking have to." "It's like France." "Is there anything besides this to eat?" "Have something else." "This has got a little protein, have that." "What's this, fish ass?" " So, you read Liza's paper, I guess?" " Yeah," "I'm a voracious reader." "I am the Gore Vidal of the Pentagon." "Gore's gay." "No, he's not." "I beg to differ, but..." "He's gay?" "Because I've been saying that Gore Vidal line." "He is gay." "Guess, I'd better stop saying that, then." "It's ridiculous." "The case against war is far stronger than the case for war and the case for war is caveated all to hell." ""Most analysts believe the state is looking to expand aggressively beyond its borders."" "Then you look down the caveats." ""The only source is "Ice Man"." "A possible alcoholic" - he probably does ten bags of methamphetamine a day." "The Ice Man." "If he even exists." ""The INR says we can't trust him." We're disputing our own intelligence." "We should leak this, you know." "When do you wanna leak it?" "Me?" " Isn't that what you were suggesting?" " No." "You don't have to say that it came from you." "No, I'm not leaking it." "Liza looks good today." " I mean, has Linton read this thing?" " I don't think Linton reads." "MAN:" "Why don't you give it a couple of weeks to settle down?" "SUZY:" "Oh, great, just what we need." "Old Anti-war Fuck is back." " What the fuck's Cocoon doing here?" " What are you doing here?" " Well, I live here." " Well, you don't, actually, Toby." " Want another cup of tea, Michael?" " Yes, please." "I'd love one." "OK, right, I'm taking all my stuff from the kitchen." " Do you want me to go?" " No, you stay there." "He's just getting his brie and his peri-peri." " Do you want me to help him pack?" " And certainly my quince paste." "Quince paste, he's such a prick." "Just going to gather up his shit clothes." "Shut up." "That's not how you fold them." "I'm not going to fucking Fiji, I'm getting chucked out of my house." "They're all going in bin liners." "It makes all the difference at the other end." "There is no other end, that's the point." " Has she got big tits?" " Oh, Christ alive." "Yes, actually, she has." "She's got massive tits." "Yes." "Look them up on Google Earth." "They've got their own postcode." "They're so enormous that they actually suck in other tits from the surrounding area." "Like you?" "Thanks." "See you, then." "OK." "Um..." "Suzy, this is probably going to sound a bit odd under the circumstances, but..." "A quickie?" "No." "Thank you, but no." "It's about Liza." "Liza wrote a paper, it's called PWIP PIP." " PWIP what?" " PWIP PIP." "Who wrote that?" "Charles Dickens?" " Post War Planning Implications..." " Yeah, all right." "Right." "I think, it could, if it was leaked, stop this kind of rush towards a war, you know, too quickly, that sort of thing." " Just if it was leaked." " You are such a coward." "Take your backlog of Mojo and your shit clothes, and your eighth of dope and your flute and piss off." "OK, I'll just leave it there." " I need advice myself." " Let's take care of the car." "This should not be here." "This should not be here." "MAN:" "Sir." "Everyone." " The car is ready?" " All taken care of, sir." " I'm handling travel." " Why are people running around?" "This had better be a fucking fire drill." "The President just announced he's vetoing tariffs on Chinese auto imports." "That means, right, he's buttering the Chinese up?" "That he needs the Chinese to at least abstain on the Security Council." "OK, so we're going to the UN." " Yes, we're going to the UN." " Shit." "Why didn't you tell me, Liza?" "Since I created the budget deficit, the President doesn't tend to run things by me any more." "Don't get funny with me." "I am not in the mood to joke." "I'm..." "I'm getting that." "If you say we're leaving in ten minutes that means we're leaving right now." "Not that I don't trust you, but I don't trust you." "I am gonna go into Linton's office and I'm gonna pull the little pin on that fucking grenade." " Don't do that." " I'm fucking joking." "I'm not gonna do that." "We have an elevator waiting for us." "Good." "Step in, thank you very much, just..." "I just..." "This job is incredibly stressful, you know that?" "Simon, you're not a lion tamer, you're not a snooker player." "I don't want to back a war, Judy." "Look, put some hints out there, put some nods and some winks out that I'm toying with resignation, OK?" "See if the PM reacts." " You want me to put out some winks?" " And nods, yeah." "What?" "Big nods?" "No, no, just sort of..." "that sort of size nod." "OK." "No, no, that's much too big." "I'm just nodding normally to say I understand the need for a small nod." "Oh, yeah." "No, no, sorry, yeah." "All right now, my lovely friends, the bottom line is..." "Oh, God, I hate that phrase." ""Bottom line."" "I mean, we're not in retailing." "Sorry." "Michael's quite right." "I won't use that again." "The bottom line is the President is going to the UN." "This will be the vote to commence military intervention." "(mobile rings)" "And the Prime Minister has decided that we should join him." "Rob, Innis," "Little Bo Cock Jockey and the Leakey Fucking Mingebox, go back to your desks and prepare to start briefing now." "Michael, do you mind if we use your office?" " What?" " For a couple of minutes?" "Yeah." "Michael, sorry." "Bottom line is, can you come out again?" "(operatic singing)" " Um... might need to turn the music off." "Yes." " Right." " OK." "So, this is all going to spin along from here." "We're going to have a vote and go to war." "We'll fight people, kill them." "Our children will get killed." "This is exactly the sort of thing that I didn't want to do when I went into politics." "This is the opposite of what I wanted to be doing." "That's why you have to stay in Government, to influence things." "In here, you can influence things, you can delay things." "Out there, you're just another mouthy, shouty mad fucker who people don't want to make eye contact with." "Remember Mary?" "Remember what happened?" "She took a stand on health." "Everybody decided that she was mental." "Because The Sun showed a picture of her with wide eyes and her head on a cow." "I happened to find that a particularly powerful image." "Look... the Prime Minister of this country, he's not a fucking Viking, is he?" "He doesn't drink blood." "He doesn't go around biting tramps." "I know the Prime Minister isn't a Viking, Malcolm." "Unlike me, he abhors physical violence." "Where is the intelligence, the hard evidence?" "We have got the fucking intelligence." " I haven't seen it." " The intelligence we've got is so deep, so fucking hard, it'll fucking puncture your kidneys." "Where's it coming from?" "There is an informant." "Ice Man." "Ice Man?" "I don't name them." "Ice Man." "Yeah." "And the fact is, the stuff that he's given us is..." "I've seen it." "It would make your blood run cold and clot and turn your insides into fucking black puddings, but certain box lickers are sitting on it, but you're going to see it, because the PM regards you as a key player in this now." "Simon, the Prime Minister wants to speak to you in ten minutes." "He wants you to go to the UN." "OK." "See?" "You're on the A list now." "You're there in the VIP lounge." "You're a fucking Kennedy." "Yeah, Malcolm..." "You've got the gold card, the complimentary drinks, the fucking hard on." "Show me the evidence - my bottom fucking line." "Don't you start, as well." "Should I resign?" "I floated that I might, then I thought I wouldn't, so it'll look convincing if I did." "I mean, do you think, is it braver to just resign and say, "No." "No war"?" " Yes." " Or... is it braver to say, "I don't agree", and just grit my teeth and get on with it?" "No." "Is the really brave thing actually doing what you don't believe?" "No." "Maybe." "Because..." "What's actually brave about doing the right thing?" "Nothing." "You know, doing the wrong thing is... is... is braver, in a way, isn't it?" "And wars do sometimes work." "That erm... the War for Independence." "You know, that worked for the Americans, didn't it?" "And... erm..." "The Second World War." "I know, it's not..." "It wasn't a good idea, millions died." "No, no, I know what you mean." "The Crimean War." "We got nurses out of that." " Nurses are good." " Yes." "Exactly." "So, right, well, no, exactly." "So..." "You're not resigning?" "In the motorcade, can we get a car without Judy, please?" "You want hookers?" "You like hooky fucky, sir?" "No, I don't want..." " I want to talk about resigning." " What again?" "Yes, but with you and not her." "So, the wires are all currently reporting that you're going to resign over the war." "What?" "That's not supposed to get outside." "Well, it is outside." "It's lurking outside, like a big hairy rapist at a coach station." "Do you know, if I could, I'd fucking punch you into paralysis." "So, you must be Simon." "I'm the British Ambassador to the UN," "Sir Jonathon Tutt." "Well, this is it, ladies and gentlemen." "This is the United Nations." "We, sir, are in here." "So, if there's anything you need, just give me a whistle." "You know how to do that, don't you?" "What do you do?" "Hm?" "That's right." "You put your lips together and you blow." "I'm going to head up to this delegates' reception." "I hope there's some nibbles, because I'm ravenous." "Nibbles." "Who still says "nibbles"?" "Fuck the nibbles." "What was with the homoerotic tension?" "OK." "Your phone is off, but there's been a catastrofuck here." "Someone's leaked Liza Weld's PWIP PIP paper to the BBC." "Jesus Christ!" "Ah, there we go." "I reckon it's going to be on the six o'clock news, one o'clock your time." "That is going to fucking fist your UN vote to death." "Hey, you!" "Freeze!" "Right." "Missing you loads." "PWIP PIP toodle-oo." "I want a fucking word with you." "OK, Jamie, two jobs." "Job one." "Find the PWIP PIP leaker and kill them." "Job one has two parts." "Job two." "Go to the BBC and find out who's got it there." "We need them to delay till after the vote." "Yeah?" "I love you." "Excuse me, I need a word with you." "Do not move from here or I'll fucking stab you." "OK." " Right." "Was it you?" " No, it wasn't." "No." "What?" " You know what I'm talking about." " No." "And..." "And... whatever it was," "I almost certainly didn't do it." " You, the baby from Eraserhead?" " No, no." "Then it must be you, woman from The Crying Game." "It wasn't me." "You've really got it in for me, haven't you?" "Listen, somebody has dropped a bollock in the noodles here." " And I reckon it was you." " Oh." " Nice logic." " Yeah, no, that sounds possible." "Will you just keep your nib out?" "Psychologically speaking." " Springer spaniel head." " It's plausible." "You might have built up a resentment and paid it off in some underhand way." "That's a thing I've observed people do." "Observe that." " Right, Baldermort." " Bloody hell, Malcolm." "Excuse us." "We are in a new reality here." " OK?" " Right." "And I need you to speed things up." "OK." "Speed what up, Malcolm?" " The debate." " Right." "I need you to bring it from 1:30pm to 11 am." "Right." "Let me tell you how the process works here and why that's not possible." "Just fucking do it, otherwise you'll find yourself in the Caucuses, in a Medieval fucking war zone, arse in the air, trying to persuade men in balaclavas that sustained sexual violence is not the fucking way forward, OK?" "It cannot be done and it will not be done." "There's an end to it." "Ok, I'll do it." "Through here?" "You will not do it because that is a breach of protocol." " Well, you do it." " No, I will not do it." " In there." "Do it." " I'm not dancing with you on this." " Get through there and do it, now." " I'm not." "Right... well..." "Erm... everyone, if I could just..." "Is this..." "Can you hear me?" "I just wondered if we might er..." "ask for a a cheeky early vote, a sort of a little bit of an adventure." "Yeah, we've got to plug that leak." "I don't know what else they've got and where's this intel?" "Are you sure you're working as hard as me?" "I'm sweating spinal fluid here." "I'm a fucking husk." "Jesus." " Got everything you need?" " Yeah." "Yeah, thanks." "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "General Flintstone." "Was it you?" "Did you leak PWIP PIP?" "I mean, I know you can't fire a gun, but can you use a fax?" "No, I didn't leak PWIP PIP." "I do everything up front." "OK?" "Not like some creepy little gay mercenary that sneaks around doing other people's dirty work." "Hey, I am doing my own work." "I'm doing my job." "No, you're doing Linton's dirty work." "You're his English bitch and you don't even know it." "I bet if I went into your hotel room tonight, I'd see you on all fours, little fishnets on, him hanging onto the back of you." "Oh, that's nice, that's nice." "That's tough talk coming from a fucking armchair general." "Why don't you put your feet up on a pouf and go back to sleep?" "Tucker, you might be a scary little poodle fucker, back there in London, but here you're nothing." "You know what you look like?" "A squeezed dick." "You've got a little blue vein running up the side of your head." "See, that's where I'd put the bullet." "But I'd have to stand back, cos you look like you'd be a squirter." "Have you ever, even actually killed anybody, I mean, really?" "Yeah." "Falling asleep on someone." "That doesn't count." "That's good." "That's good." "How about you, pussy drip, ever kill anybody?" "Maiming is what I prefer, psychologically." "Why don't you try to maim me?" "I'll hit you so hard in the face, you'll be shitting teeth." "Go right ahead." "I can see the headlines right now." ""Peace-loving general starts fight at the UN." "Swiss intervene."" "I don't know, I'm not an expert on spin, but that could hurt your career." "Yeah?" " Yeah?" " Yeah." "Now, do excuse me." "I've got work to do." "Don't ever call me fucking English again." "(operatic singing)" " Suzy, well done." "This is absolutely superb." "Hey, horse of the year, was it you?" " Was what me?" " Answer the fucking question!" "Was it you?" "Was what me, Jamie?" "I have no idea what you're talking about." "She can't answer the question, can she?" "Unless she knows what it is." "You... leaked Liza Weld's paper to the BBC, right?" "Now, tell me you leaked it." "No, I didn't." "I didn't leak it." "I know... the leak came from in here." "From... this fucking fax machine right here." "SUZY:" "No." "There's no..." "There's no way." "Do you see... what I'm doing to this machine?" " Jamie, don't." " See?" "Jesus Christ!" "Fuck, Jamie." "You see how... angry I am with the... piece of office equipment that leaked this document?" "Huh?" "Michael." "Can you even imagine how angry I am with the person who leaked it, can you?" " That's really... expensive, Jamie." " Can you, Suzy?" "Jamie, it was me." "Oh, don't come over all fucking Spartacus on us now." " I leaked it." " What are you doing?" "No, hang on, hang on." "For a start... turn that fucking racket off!" "SUZY:" "Turn it off." " It's just vowels." "Subsidised foreign fucking vowels." "The only reason you listen to this shit is because it's bad form to actually wear a hat that says," ""I went to private school."" "So, tell me now, right." " Who did you leak it to?" " I just sent it." "I read it, I thought it was important, so I sent it." "Good." "Fine." "See that fax?" "Yes." "That is your career." "And I think it might be fucked, but let's just check." "Yeah, yeah, it's pretty fucked." "Now, I hope you can play the spoons." "You're too old to go back to being a gentleman's fluffer." "Simon?" "Simon." "Congratulations." "I didn't think you had it in you." "Hi." " This is great, Simon." " He's resigning." " Have you seen it?" "It's a good picture." " Oh." " They're running with that?" "GENERAL:" "In a very big way." "I didn't say that." "What?" " What?" " You're not resigning?" "Are you still playing the hawk?" "In a way, it's..." "I'm playing a much cleverer game than that." "I'm a..." "I'm a fake hawk." "A what?" "A fake hawk." "You're an idiot." "Or are you being a fake idiot?" "So, we float it, anyway, tell the press that he confirmed to us he's resigning." " That's what we'll do, then." " What?" " It's decided, then." " Sorry." "No, it bloody isn't." "I'm me." "OK?" "You're not me." "I decide about all the main things about me." " Not any more." " Not you, me." "Simon, the only thing that we can do to influence events now is to resign." "That's it, OK?" " Sacrifice ourselves." " Like a suicide bomber?" "No, not like suicide bomber." "A suicide bomber makes a decision." "Are you OK?" "I'm thinking of becoming a suicide bomber." "Right." " Would you like a mint?" " No." "They're really not that good for the teeth, you know, rots them slowly." " It's early." " Do you like me, Judy?" "Well... you're my boss, you know." "But do you really like me?" "Yeah." "I'll..." "I'll just leave you to your thoughts." "OK?" "I haven't got any thoughts." "I'm just staring vacantly into space." "While a distant voice in the back of my head goes," ""Oh, shit", like a car alarm, in the middle of the night." "Why?" "Has Jamie been round?" " Because he's..." " This is you, isn't it?" "Suzy, can I phone you back in a few minutes for a further bollocking?" "I'll just deal with this one here." "I have got something really, really big in my career lined up for me and you're going to fuck it up because of this leak." "What did you...?" "What would be fucked up?" "Chad, I don't need to tell you anything." "I want to tell you a story." "When the Titanic went down, there were lifeboats." "They had extra room on them and there were people in the water." "Some people on the boats just wanted room to stretch their legs, but people in the water froze and that was on their conscience." "You talk entirely in parables." "You're like a crap Jesus." "Tread lightly." "OK?" "You are fucking with the wrong person." " Oh, really?" " Yes." "I've got this town on lockdown." "We're both and so..." " Fuck you all." " A common enemy." "Hello." "Hello!" "Hello, Paul." " Guess what's happened to my wall?" " Could you hold on just a second?" "The Vice President's..." "Doesn't matter." "Of America." "Yes." "That one." "So, we're getting a little close to the wire, Mr Tucker." "Where is that intel, huh?" "What sort of intel have you rustled up?" " Ah, the smoking intel?" " Yeah." "Well, honestly, I haven't got it." "You haven't got it?" "All right." "OK." "Well, then, can you delay the vote?" "It'd give you the time to get it." "I've just had it brought forward." "Sorry, I'm just erm... getting my mints." "I am telling you, delay the vote and make yourself some time to get the intel, because I need it, my friend." "Hey." "OK." "Just a quick reality check here," "J Edgar Fucking Hoover, I don't work for you." "You don't fucking tell me what to do." "OK." "Firstly, don't raise your voice." "This is a sacred place." "Now, you may not believe that and I may not believe that, but, by God, it's a useful hypocrisy." "And, secondarily," "I believe your Prime Minister has instructed you to work for me." "Take your sweeties and fuck off." "LINTON:" "Oh, the great Malcolm Tucker." "One of your guys leaks a paper." "You can't do anything." "Huh?" "We tell you to get some intel." "You can't do anything." "I need you to move the vote back." "You can't do anything." "I am afraid you are nothing but a useless piece of" "S star-star T." "What the fuck do you want?" "Erm... sorry, I..." "I've just heard that the constituency wall has started to collapse." "A brick's fallen out." "Well, that's the news I'm getting, at the moment." "There'll be more to follow." "News and bricks." "My God, that sounds important." "Take care of that, Mr Tucker." "Yes?" "I think that's more your speed." "I can see you, with your shirt off and a wheelbarrow, whistling a happy tune." "Get on that." "You work for him?" "This is very fucking complicated stuff." "After the vote I resign." "Oh, fuck off!" "Resigning?" "How fucking impressive!" "Resign." "The horse has bolted." "It's out there now." "It's getting fucking shot!" "I'll see you later, Malcolm." "You..." "You repeat... one word of what you have heard here and I'm going to fucking take your leg off..." "I'll fucking..." "The shin bone." "I'm going to take the shin bone, I'm going to break it in two and I'm going to fucking stab you to fucking death with it, right?" "So, just... just... go away." "Go away." "Hi." "BBC News Desk, please." "Malcolm Tucker." "Hi, Ben." "Listen, I hear that you might be preparing a story that we might not like." " Yeah, please." " Ow!" "I just wanted to say, please, this garden-wall story, don't run with that." "Ow!" "Simon Foster's constituency office wall." "That's what you've got, haven't you?" "Oh, shit." "I haven't let the cat out of the bag, have I?" "Please, don't run with that." "My reputation will be in tatters." " Ow!" " And he is gone!" "My hand is really quite badly scalded now." "I know it was you who leaked Linton's war committee." "Oh." "Right." "Erm..." " It wasn't." " It wasn't?" "That's what you'll say when they fly you to Diego Garcia and carry out a cavity search?" "I don't actually recall." "It was a very busy time." "That's better." "OK." "I am putting you on a probationary period from today, until the end of recorded time." " All right." " Do you understand?" " Yes." " You're my guy now." "Right?" "I own you." "You are my Kunta Kinte." "Go and get your fucking laptop." "Mr Ambassador, with your big, baldy head, you are spoiling us!" "A word?" "Excuse us, just for a second." "I'm pleased to be able to tell you that, by some huge effort on my behalf," "I've brought your vote forward by an hour and a half." "Say "thank you"." " Great." "Well, I need it delayed now." " Very funny." "By an hour, at least." "Well, actually, two and a half hours, now that you've brought it forward." "No." "I will not put myself through that humiliation again." "I'm just not doing it." "Right. (clears throat) What can I say?" "Erm..." "Ah, right, Frank and Nancy Sinatra." "I've got good news for you." "You're not fired." "That's great news, isn't it?" " Well, it sounds ominous." " We want to get Liza Weld's PWIP PIP out there properly, in the public domain." "We just need to refine it a bit." " What do you want to refine?" " Just mess it up." "Move the paragraphs." "Change the name of the main informant." " Well, that's a complete fabrication." " Changing his name doesn't matter." "Do you think he's really called Ice Man?" "Huh?" ""To Mr and Mrs Man, a son..." "Ice."" " So, change it to another name." "(on CD): # Sonata for Violin and Piano" "What's the name of the fuck with the fiddle?" " This happens to be Debussy." " Debussy." " Well, we'll change it to Debussy, then." " No, we will not!" "Now, your prints are gonna be all over this, Michael, but that's the only way you can save your job, you leaky fuck." " Don't make me do this." " It wasn't him." "Somebody must have come in there and used the fax machine." " It could have been anyone." " Fax machine?" "Ah, no!" "(laughs) Don't worry about that." "No, I made that up." "No, the document was leaked by e-mail." "It's just, the fax machine was there, and it's easier to kick." "Come on, Thick White Duke!" " Don't shout at..." " Come with me." "Right, OK." "Is it up?" "Have you got it up?" "Yeah, it's all fine." "OK." "Cut the top paragraph and paste it into page 5." "Right, yeah, we've done it." "Page 6 - get rid of the footnotes." "Done." " Go to page 9." " Go to page 9." "Highlight from that page to the end of the document." " Go on, do it." " The caveats?" " OK." "Delete." " Right, OK, we're doing it." "Delete it." "You can't delete the arguments against the war." "Oh." "There's a shake of the head here, Malc." "I think he's crashed." "Give him a thump - that usually works." "Let me try a wee bit of manual override." "Let's see if it is possible to delete the arguments against the war." "Hey!" "You could delete it, after all." "It's done." "Great." "Now, attach that to an e-mail." "Yes, done it." "Done it." "Let's find a printer." " Right." " The Japanese." "They'll have a printer." " Well, we can't just present it like this." " No, we can't." "Go and get me a blue folder." " Well, OK." "Where from?" " I don't know." "I've never been in a fucking stationery cupboard." "I do my shagging in hotels." "LINTON:" "Just take out all the conditionals." "Like, "might" becomes..." "Instead of "might have found", "have found"." "OK?" "Be audacious." "Just re-write the whole damn thing." "Ohh..." "LINTON:" "Declarative sentences - that's what I want." " Take 'em all out." " Linton, come here." " What is it?" " The intel your guys couldn't find." "Yeah?" "I think that I am owed a massive, grovelling apology." "Congratulations, huh?" "Maybe they'll give you a knighthood." "A pleasure doing business with you." "You know, I've come across a lot of psychos... but none as fucking boring as you." "I mean, you are a real, boring fuck." " Sorry." "I know you dislike swearing." " No, that's all right." "So, I'll sort that out." "You are a boring F star-star cunt." " Are we pretty much..." " Everything as you requested." "Fine." "Good." "Ah, welcome aboard, Liza." "I will make this brief and to the point." "We're gonna go in, we're going to state our case, with new British intelligence from source Debussy, we win the argument, we get the hell out." "All right?" "CHAIR PERSON:" "Resolution 2238 is passed." " Yeah." "That's that, then." "(mobile rings)" "Yeah?" "Jolly good. "That's that, then," is your line for the ages, is it?" "What?" "Well, I remember, the day that war was declared," "I turned to the Minister, and he said..." ""That's that, then." "Anyone want a mint?"" "Piss off, Toby." " How long before British troops..." "JAMIE:" "Well done, Michael." "You did a really, really, really good job." "Oh, for fuck's sake, don't cry." "I e-mailed my resignation five minutes ago." "And yours should come pretty soon, for the biggest media impact." " I've been thinking." " Yeah?" "This has been the hardest political decision of my career." "I'm not going to resign." "Huh!" "What the fuck, George?" "Before the war, I was going to resign, but now that there's a war on..." "I can't resign." "You said that this was intolerable." "You said we would go together." "It is intolerable, but I'm going to have to tolerate it." "And I still agree with myself on that." "But my loyalty is to the kids." "I am a soldier." "You're not a soldier." " I've been a soldier my whole life." " Yeah?" "What do you mean, I'm not a soldier?" "I'm a soldier." "Look at the uniform - you think I'm one of the Village People?" "When did you shoot a guy last?" "Oh, not shooting someone in 15 years means I'm not a soldier?" "You know, the Army doesn't make you drag some bloody corpse into the Pentagon every five years, to renew your "soldier's licence"." "It's unnecessary!" "And if you were a good general, you'd have some balls!" "Look, shut up about my balls." "My balls have been around." "You've got no idea where my balls have been." "I can talk about your balls all you want, cos I remember when..." "Oh, I fucked you once 20 years ago, and I never hear the end of it!" "Every time we're together, I hear this shit." "I don't even remember it!" "Come on, Chad." "We have to draft resignation announcements." "Actually, I think I might stay with the General, if that's OK." "If he's staying, I might stay with him, see what assistance I can furnish." "OK..." "General Shrek and his faithful, talking donkey." " That was nice." " OK, well done." " What are you sticking around for?" " Well, to let you know that I think you've got big balls..." " It's like... two-thirds of the snowman." " Dear God." " We did it, Bob, huh?" " Yes, we did, sir." "There were a few moments where it got a little hairy." "No, there weren't." "No, no, no, Simon." "No, no, listen." "Hey, hey, hey." "Look, look, look." "No, no, no." " You still don't need to resign." " I do." "I'm resigning in an hour, and there's nothing you can do about it now." " Boss..." "BOTH:" "Yes?" "Erm..." "it's all over the BBC News websites." "Partial collapse of the wall." "Mrs Michaelson's greenhouse." "Obviously, a pane's been smashed." "The BBC must have had a crew down there." "(laughs) God, how ridiculous!" "And that's news?" "It's not ridiculous." "It's not ridiculous at all..." "You're fired." "What?" "Over the wall - I mean, that's just not tolerable." "It's a fucking wall, Malcolm." "Look." "Give me the paper." "The Telegraph has a cartoon of you teetering on the Great Wall of China, suggesting you are the only political fuck-up visible from space." "Look at this." "Look at it." "No-one could survive this." "The PM's very clear about this." "You're sacked - over the wall." " No." " Yes!" "No." "You-You-You haven't even spoken to the Prime Minister." "I-I-I have." "You fucking haven't!" "I've been here in front of you." "I have spoken to the PM." "Whether it happened or not is irrelevant." "It is true." "And he was very clear - you've got to go." "Ha!" "If you think I'm going quietly, Malcolm you've... you've made a mistake." "Well, if you want to turn this into some anti-war protest, expect to hear your "mountain of conflict" sound-bite everywhere." "From ring-tones to fucking..." "a dance mix on YouTube." "And I will marshal all the media forces of darkness, to hound you to an assisted suicide." "Right-ho." "Let's just go and draft your..." ""Dear Prime Minster," "Just a quick note to say, 'Thanks for giving me the sack,"' letter." "MALCOLM:" "Off we trot." "Come on, young Simon." "Erm..." "General Miller... sorry." "I know this is an awkward time to be..." "Go fuck yourself, Frodo." "OK." "(mutters):" "You can fuck off yourself, then." " Are you hanging, Chad?" " Just... hanging." " Wanna play some Facebook chess?" " Yes, ma'am." "Just get away from the wall!" "What are you doing?" "I just want a photo near the wall." "Yeah, you can go back another 12 inches." "No, a bit further." " There?" " Stop there!" "CHAD:" "Check. (chuckles)" "KAREN:" "I haven't touched it." "CHAD:" "I made a move for you, which is the best move possible, and it's still..." "KAREN:" "You might be Secretary of State someday, young man." "CHAD:" "You..." "Don't say that if you don't mean that." "TOBY:" "When, you know, all of this shit is over, maybe, you know..." "You're a woman..." "I'm not a woman." "You wanna have sex again?" "Well, would it be such a terrible idea?" "You know - one more." ""One more for the Gipper."" "Well, I don't want to be accused of micro-managing, but I cannot understand why "I Heart Huckabees"" "is on a list of DVDs considered suitable for armed-forces entertainment." "That self-indulgent crap is not suitable for combat troops." "I've got a selection of the quotations here for you." "I mean, they're all local building firms." "Much of a muchness." "You know, to sort out the boundary wall." "But the... this septic tank..." "That is rearing its pooey head again." "Yes." "I just got off the phone with Linton, who proceeded to bitch me out, for allowing "I Heart Huckabees" on the troops' DVD roster." "Yeah." "You know that phrase, "I'm too old for this shit"?" "Well, I'm too young for this shit." "You know?" "MALCOLM:" "Here's the new Minister." " Malcolm!" " There she is." " Ladies and gentlemen." " Look at you!" " Thank you." "Thank you." "How touching." " Minister, how are you doing?" " Very well indeed." " You've lost some weight." " Hello." "Judy Molloy." " Nice to meet you." "This is Dan." " Danny." "Dan." "Special Advisor." " Danny Dan?" " War seems to be going great guns." " Oh, very cheeky!" "Very cheeky." " Judy, have I got a desk out here?" " Careful." "There's blood on the deck." " Er... yeah, sure." "You can use that one." "MALCOLM:" "How about this?" "You can't get better than this." "Very glamorous." "MINISTER:" "It's a side-step from my previous job, but that's fine." "MALCOLM:" "I think there's a wee bit of brains there." "It's the only brains that he had, actually." "Nice to meet you, Dan." "Where did you go to school?" " Erm... just a school in Jersey." " In Jersey?" " Is that actually Britain?" " Yeah." "MALCOLM:" "I'm sorry, but I've been standing here for 20 minutes..." "MALCOLM:" "Let's see you." "Look at the hair on this." "Who let this woman out with fucking hair like this, on national television?" "You'd think she's got her finger stuck in a fucking electric socket." "Unbelievable."