"Okay, and how would you like that shipped?" "Standard ground takes 7 - 10 business days, or if you need it tomorrow, we can overnight it for an extra twenty bucks." "Well, I don't need it tomorrow." "Well, you know, I'm the supervisor here, I can knock it down to fifteen for you." "Well, thanks, I'm tempted." "I'm so impatient." "Hey, for me, instant gratification isn't soon enough." "All right, what the hell, ship it overnight." "No problem, and if you have any other questions, call any time, my name is Todd Anderson." " Hey, thanks Todd." " You're very welcome." "Okay, so that's a go." "All right." "I'll, I'll do it." "I need you in my office." "Hey, is this going to take a while?" "I just ordered from Thai Garden and they're pretty fast." "So, you like spicy food?" "That's interesting." "Close the door, please." "Why is that interesting?" "Todd, we've decided to restructure order fulfillment." "Restructure how?" "Offshore the whole department." "That's a good one." "I'm not kidding." "Check out this spreadsheet." "Any American job that's done on the phone or online, it's going overseas." "The savings are incredible." "This is some kind of weird psychological test you're pulling on me, right Dave?" "This is like a ritual hazing for the annual review?" "It's not quite time for your review, Todd." "You've been working here coming up on four and a half years, not five." "You can't outsource order fulfillment!" "Half our catalog is patriotic knick-knacks." "If a factory worker from Wisconsin calls the 800 number to buy this, and gets a person in another country, he's gonna flip out!" "That's where the accent training comes in." "You expect me to walk in there and tell everyone," ""I'm sorry, but your jobs have been outsourced."?" "I'll do it." "So I'm fired, too?" "No, Todd, not at all." "But I manage fulfillment." "Now you don't need me here." "You're right, we don't need you here." "We need you in India." "Someone's gotta train the new guy." "And after that?" "We'll find something for you." "Company's growing." "We'll find something for you?" "Of course you're free to quit." "But you haven't vested your stock options yet." "Quit now and you give it up." "Plus your pension and medical, and you'll be out there in a bad job market with no unemployment benefits." "Ask these guys in about twenty minutes." "No." "No." "No way." "No." "I'm not going to India to train my own replacement." "All you need to do is visit the call center, improve their minutes per incident, and make sure the new guy's up to speed." "What does this new guy get paid?" "Half a million." "Rupees." "That's $11,000 a year to do your job." "That is eight heads for the price of one." "What are you gonna do?" "Come on." "Just get their MPI down to six." "No, I'm not going." "It's just a short trip." "You like spicy food." "Dave!" "I'm not going to India." "Cool taxi, sir!" "Cool taxi!" "No, I'm good, thank you." "Cool taxi, sir!" "Cool taxi!" "I have a meeting to go to." "I'm meeting someone." "I'm trying to get to the train station." "Hi." "Can you take me to the train station?" "Great." "Crap." "No." "Sir?" "Sorry, I wanted a taxi." "I want a taxi!" "No problem, sir." "Okay." "Sorry, thanks." "Let me just grab my bag." "Thanks!" "Jeeze!" "No!" "No!" "Stop!" "Stop!" "Stop!" "Stop!" "Go!" "Go!" "Go!" "Hi." "You are liking India?" "It's interesting." "It's the best country." "No problem." "No problem, you just jump." "What?" "You jump." "You must jump, sir!" "There's no room!" "You must jump!" "Jump!" "Jump!" "Bye!" "The next train will leave Gharapuri Station from platform one at 5:15 pm." "I'll take one of those." "Sorbet?" "No change, no change." "No change, impossible." "No change." "That's okay, I'm dying of thirst." "Keep the change." "It's fine?" " Yeah, it's fine." " Sorbet." "I make special for you!" "Hey, Saab, must the gola!" "Here you go, Saab." "Gola, specialty." "Are you Mr. Toad?" "Yes, no, I'm Todd, Todd Anderson." "Western Novelty?" "I sent a car, but you were not there!" "I didn't see it." "I had to take one of those taxi go-cart thingies." "So sorry for the confusion." "I'm so very pleased to meet you, Mr. Toad." "I am Purohit Nasimajyarya Virajnarianan, but you can call me Puro." " Poorow?" " Puro." "Come, I'll take you to your hotel." "Please come." "Please come." "Sir?" "Saab?" "Hello, Saab!" "Please come back!" "I am here!" "I am waiting for you!" "Good night, good night, good morning!" "You like India?" "Bombay was a little crazy, but Gharapuri looks different," "I don't know, cleaner." "Bombay is terrible, terrible." "Gharapuri is very clean." "Do you have a business card, Mr. Toad?" "Yeah, Todd." "Please call me Todd." "That's fine." "Executive Vice-President of Marketing and Order Fulfillment." "Very impressive." "Not as impressive as it sounds." "What I really do is sell kitsch to rednecks and now I have to train some other schmuck to do it." "May I ask a question?" "Yeah, go ahead." "Would you kindly be telling me what is kitsch, and what is redneck, and what is schmuck?" "Kitsch is garbage that people buy, and redneck basically means farmer." "Farmer?" "And, schmuck?" "That means, like a nice guy." "You're the person I'm here to train?" "I'm sorry, I didn't realize that." "I'm so very fortunate to be learning the ways of American business from you," "Mr. Toad." "Todd, please, just call me Todd." "Your first trip to India?" "Yes." "Some foreigners who come here do not experience it well, but I can tell, you are of a different breed." "A very good traveler, strong and ready for anything and everything." "That's very kind of you." "Why do you say that?" "Most foreigners cannot eat gola without becoming very ill." "How far to the hotel?" "Your reservation is for the Gharapuri Palace Hotel, but that place is very lonely." "I'll take you to Auntie Ji's guest house." "She will take care of you better than your own real mother." "No, actually, I think I'd like to just go to my hotel." "I'm tired, I've been traveling for days." "Please, Mr. Toad, I insist!" "We go to Aunty Ji's." "She has a very good garden, a most excellent Indian cook, very hygienic." "You'll not be lonely there." "I'm telling you." "Okay, fine, I'll check it out." "Just make it quick." "You're a schmuck." "Here, this way come." "Please come." "Namaskar, namaskar, namaskar." "Welcome, welcome, welcome." "You must be exhausted all the way from Bombay!" "No, we're just here to look." "Whoaaaa!" "It's okay." "Look, look!" "I've some snacks and tea freshly made, waiting for you only!" "What is your good name, please?" "My good name?" "He is Mr. Toad, Aunty Ji." "Fresh from America." "Mr. Toad, how sweet!" "Come in please." "Come in!" "Come, come." "Thanks." "So, Mr. Toad." "What does your father do?" "What is your salary?" "Are you married?" "Uhm, no, I'm not married." "You have a girlfriend?" "I did, but we broke up a couple of months ago." "Why break up?" "You should be married." "She wanted to start a family, and I wasn't quite ready yet." "Not yet?" "My God, you're old enough to be a grandfather!" "What are you waiting for?" "Just eat." "Very nice." "Fresh, absolutely." "That's good." "What?" "Sir, you should not place the hand that has been in your mouth back in the food." "And, you should not eat with your left hand." "In India we eat with the right hand." "Left hand is considered to be... unclean." "Unclean, unclean." "Why?" " Why?" " Why?" "Oooookayy..." "Thank you." "That's great." "Okay." "That's good." "Thank you." "Thank you." "We work from six in the evening till six in the morning." "Daytime in America." "Doesn't that screw up your sleep patterns?" "No, no, no, no, no." "We are accustomed to the problems by now." "Is it true that when I'm manager," "I'm going to earn 500,000 rupees a year?" "If that's what they told you." "Because of my future salary," "I am now engaged to Bhagyashree Sasamunde." "Baggy Who?" "Watch the " "She's cute." "She is more beautiful than Aishwarya Rai." "I've loved her all my life." "I could never think of marrying her until Western Novelty hired me for 500,000 rupees." "You gotta be kidding me." "This is it?" "There's no office to rent in Gharapuri, so we had to build one." "Because of outsourcing, all the real estate in" "Bombay, Madras, Bangalore, even Gharapuri is taken." "So we had to build one." "Please come." "This here is the supervisor's booth." "And here we have the agents' cubicles." "They are working very hard." "It's okay." "And because of America, we have different time zones." "Seattle, New York, Chicago, and here also." "Puro." "What is that?" "This?" "This is our MPI monitor." "Minutes per incident." "This is gonna go up on the wall." "This is the average time our agent takes to solve the call." "What?" "That, that is just a cow." "Must have wandered in." "One minute." "Don't worry, Mr. Toad." "We are fully operational." "We have the state of the art computers, digital phone lines, optical mouses, everything." "Mr. Toad, you okay?" "It's kind of a cramp." "The gola!" "God." "One rupee, one rupee." "No, not a good time." " One rupee." " Tomorrow." " Only one rupee." " No, I don't have a rupee." "Is that all you can say?" "Hungry!" "Only one rupee!" "One, one." "All right." "Now leave me alone!" "No, no!" "Don't touch!" "Neeche, neeche." "Downstairs, bathroom, no problem." "No toilet paper." "Hello, everyone." "I'm Todd Anderson from Western Novelty and I'm here to help integrate you into our business." "Now, I gotta tell you, the center's numbers are nowhere near what they should be, and based on the customer complaints we've been having, it's a culture thing." "Basically, you people need to learn about America." "Now it's all about bringing down the MPI." "Things go faster if the customer feels they are talking to a native English speaker." "But we are native English speakers." "English is the official language of our government." "You got it from the British and so did we." "We just speak it differently." "I mean, sometimes our pronunciation is better." "We say 'Internet' and you say 'Innernet.'" "Fair enough, but that's exactly my point." "I'm asking you to say 'Innernet'." "Next time you're on a call, try to listen carefully to the customer's pronunciation." "Their slang, small talk." "Try to learn from them." "Learn about America." "Sir?" "Yes, you are?" "Manmeet." "Man meat?" "No, Manmeet." "What I want to know is, what is small talk?" "You know, it's like "So how are you doing today?"" ""How's the weather in Arizona"?" "You can talk about sports " "Like cricket." "All right, never mind." "Forget sports." "You want to sound American." "If anyone asks where you're located, just say 'Chicago'." "All right?" "Try that." "Chi-ca-go." "Okay." "When you make the " sound", hold your nose to flatten the vowel, like Chi-cah-go." "Chi-cah-go." "That's great." "And if anyone asks how the weather is, just say 'windy'." "Yes, you are?" "Asha, sir." "Isn't that a little dishonest?" "I mean, I'm not going to lie." "I'm not in Chi-cah-go." "I'm in Gharapuri." "Look, when I was hired to do this job," "I was told that I would be selling products to a customer on a telephone," "I did not know we had to be deceptive." "Well a lot of Americans are upset about outsourcing." "But sir, most of the products they're buying are made in China." "Okay, we're almost back, we'll continue this tomorrow." "Thank you." "It says "Made in China" on the box." "It says so on the packet!" "Hey, stay away from me." "Don't touch me!" "Stay away from me, I'm serious." "Good morning, Mr. Toad." "You had a long night?" "Wait." "You are looking like you have no energy." "You must go to sleep." "I will." "First you eat." "You're looking sick!" "No thank you, I can't." "Mr. Toad, you want to meet a nice Indian girl?" "No, no thank you." "I'm just, I'm really not interested." "Uhm." "Are you homosexual?" "Excuse me?" "You're liking boys, not Indian girls?" "No." "No!" "God no, thank you, really, I can't eat a thing." "You must eat!" "You'll shrivel up into nothing!" "Skin and bones only, hah!" "Maybe tomorrow, you know, I just, I need to get some air." "Tomorrow?" "When is this glass coming?" "It is coming presently, sir." "Is the call volume always this low?" "This is low?" "Well, yes, they're obviously not routing all the calls here yet." "Why is the MPI so bad?" "At twelve minutes per incident, we're losing money on every call!" "Bad?" "When I started it was fifteen." "I brought it down to twelve." "Puro, this place is a disaster." "If we don't get it down to six," "I'm going to be stuck in India the rest of my life." "We are getting the MPI down." "No problem." "Don't say no problem when there is a problem!" "If we don't get it down to six, you'll never get your promotion, and you'll never get to marry, what's her face." "Who's face, sir?" "Your girlfriend." "Baggy Swami, whatever her name is." "Everyone!" "Please talk faster and faster!" "Okay?" "Great." "Okay, what else?" "Yes, Manmeet?" "I do not understand item H403." "H403." "Yeah, a lot of Americans wear these to sporting events." "But why, sir?" "It's hard to explain, we just do." "Yes?" "I do not understand the purpose of A221." "A221." "That's a burger brand." "Americans eat a lot of beef and some people like to burn their initials into their food with a red hot iron before they eat it." "Why?" "It's like a cattle brand." "You know, the thing you use to burn a symbol into a cow with?" "You know, in America that's how you keep track of your cows." "Is branding." " With a red hot iron?" " Yeah." "But, uhm, wouldn't the cow run away?" "No, we only do it to baby cows." "When they're small enough to hold them down." "Yes, Asha?" "A suggestion, Mr. Todd?" "Go ahead." "You need to learn about India." "Hey!" "It's Todd" "I'll be out of the country for a few days, so leave your message and " "You have no messages." "Are you still there?" "You have no messages." "I told you, it's my grandson's first day of school," "I want to get him some supplies, but I'm not sure what kids need these days." "Perhaps some rubbers, ma'am?" "What did you say?" "I mean, if you have a pencil, you need some rubbers, no?" "Okay." "Who can tell me what was wrong with this call?" "It's not a rubber, it's an eraser." "No sir, this is a rubber." "No, it's an eraser." "A rubber means condom." "You mean like a flat." "No, they call it an apartment." "No!" "A condom." "Birth control." "Does it work?" " This is Dave." " Hi, Dave." "I just saw your numbers." "You do realize you're not on vacation over there?" "Yeah, like I would come here for a vacation." "Unless you plan on taking up residence, you'd better get the ball rolling." "Yeah, that's why I'm calling, actually." "An MPI in the sixes is not realistic." "I didn't say "in the sixes", Todd," "I said get it down to six." "6:59 is not six, it's seven." "You need to get it down to six point zero." "Are you kidding me?" "We had a deal!" "And our last Seattle agents go off-line on Sunday, expect a bump in call volume." "You know what a six means in this industry!" "It means anything below a seven." "That's the definition!" "Don't you read your contracts?" "We said get it down to six." "I'm holding you to six." "Dave, you're a corporate slime-ball." "Watch it, Todd." "Lose your stock options and you'll be living in a cardboard box." " Dave." " Gotta go." "Julie?" "Hey, it's me." "Yeah." "How're you doing?" "I just wanted to check in and say 'hi'." "Nothing." "I just wanted to hear your voice." "I miss you." "I know." "God, I'm sorry, did I wake you?" "Yeah, I know." "I know." "Is somebody there?" "Hey!" "Cheeseburger." "How much to take me to Bombay, to Bhagat Singh road, right now?" "No, no sir, Bombay is too far." "Too much petrol, it will damage my car." "It's impossible." "Okay, 6,000 rupees." "Don't sweat it, I'm going to expense it." "Okay sir, 5,000 rupees, not one rupee less!" "Whatever." "Okay sir, my children will starve, sir." "I will take you to Bombay in 4,000 rupees." "Hello sir, how may I help you, sir?" "Hi." "I'd like two cheeseburgers, large fries " "I'm sorry sir, but we don't have cheeseburger here, sir." "What?" "I thought this was McDonald's?" "Sorry sir, this is Mac Donnell's." "Get the maharajah veggie burger." "It's as close as you're gonna get." "I came all the way from Gharapuri for a cheeseburger." "You know, they have a real McDonald's in Gharapuri." "Still can't get a cheeseburger." "You know what INDIA stands for don't you?" "I'll Never Do It Again." "Did you hear about the guy who outsourced his own job?" "He writes code in San Francisco, makes seventy grand a year, so he hires a guy in Bangalore to do his job for twelve grand." "His boss thinks he's telecommuting." "He's got so much free time, he's thinking about getting another job just like it." "We've got Indian doctors reading American X-rays, lawyers writing briefs." "I'm in customer service." "Me, too." "So how long you here for?" "I have to get my MPI down to a flat six." "Not in India." "I mean, unless you hire the accent neutrals away from me." "All you can hope for here is an eight." "I can't go home until I get a six." "Better find yourself a wife, then." " She'd call me 'toad.'" " What?" "My name is Todd." "Everyone says 'Toad.'" "Listen, Todd, just a word of advice." "I remember feeling like you do," "I was resisting India." "Once I gave in, I did much better." "I don't understand what's so difficult about this order!" "Pink over the blue, and I want to stay away from the horizontal stripes." "And may I ask you, are you married, Miss?" "Married?" "No." "Really?" "Look buddy, I assure you, I'm in Chi-cah-go." "Yeah." "Right." "Puro, where have you been?" "Things are going crazy here!" "I can't have you wandering off." "You're supposed to be coaching these people!" "Maduri's having a nervous breakdown," "Manmeet hits on every woman who calls, and where is the glass for this goddamn office!" "Very sorry, sir, very sorry." "The glass is coming presently." "What's all this?" "For you sir, you don't look well." "This food helps with the stomach, all filtered and clean." "Okay for you to eat, no problem." "Puro." "Yes, sir?" "I'm sorry." "Thank you." "Mr. Toad, do not go out today." "Aunty." "Mr. Toad!" "Stop!" "Puro?" "I'm very sorry." "I should have told you this earlier." "You should not wear good clothes on this day." "Watch out!" "What the?" "I'm very sorry, Mr. Toad." "You should not have worn good clothes on the day of Holi." "Holy what?" "!" "Just Holi." "Celebration of color, changing of seasons." "I think we can cross that alley." "Don't worry I have this," "I'll protect you!" "Come with me, come, come, come." "Come Mr. Toad, come!" "Mr. Toad, are you okay?" "Gimme one of those." "Here." "That's a good shot!" "I used to play baseball in college." "Like cricket, but a very boring game?" "Give me another." "Any calls?" "Need a pen?" "Here, take any one you want." "No, not all!" "Looks pretty good." "My god, we must go, we are late!" "We can't go like this." "No problem, I'll take care of it on the way." "Come, come quickly." "Sorry, somebody had to " "No, thank you, I'm sorry we're late." "It's Holi." "Sorry, and thank you, Asha." "Thank you, sir." "Yes sir, thank you very much." "Thank you for shopping with Western Novelty." "Before everyone takes off," "I'd like to call a little meeting." "I want to apologize to all of you, especially, Asha." "She was right." "I need to learn about India." "Sir, there's no need to " "No, no, wait." "Let me finish, please." "Our first mistake has been trying to run this like an American office, so I want to ask you." "How could we do things differently?" "What would make your work day a more positive experience?" "Yes, Sanjeev?" "Sir, may I bring in my family pictures for my desk?" "Yes, bring pictures of them all," "I want to see the whole family." "What else?" "Krishna?" "Sir, may I bring murtis for my desk?" "Murtis?" "Absolutely, whatever those are." "Anyone can bring whatever they want to make their space their own as long as it doesn't get in the way of work." "Maduri?" "Sir, Puro said that we must only wear Western clothes at the Western business." "Wear whatever you want." "Yes, what is your good name?" "I'm Rani, sir." "Sir, would it be possible to get a discount on Western Novelty products?" "Is there something in particular you were interested in?" "Sir, number D hundred, astrology place mats." "You want those cheesy things?" "I'm sure we could get you a set for free." "Yes?" "What about the ceramic basket?" "Do you guys want this stuff?" "You like what Western is selling?" "Yeah, yes." "All right." "All right, here's what we'll do." "I'll call the company and ask them to ship us a collection of the most popular items in the catalog." "Whoever improves their MPI the most, on a given a day, can take their pick of the merchandise." "All right, great job today everyone." "Thank you!" "See you tomorrow." "Wow, what's that?" "Masala." "Rock salt, cumin, chili pepper makes it better." "Nice?" "Wow!" "Mmhmm." "Okay." "You know, when I was young, Holi was the favorite day of the year." "I used to await it eagerly." "For me, it was Halloween." "You know Halloween?" "The costumes?" "My mom used to make us these great homemade costumes." "It's funny." "I keep thinking about my parents." "You miss them, of course." "When I'm home, I don't miss them at all." "Because you see them?" "Not much, hardly ever." "You don't live with your parents?" "No." "No." "No." "They live in Yakima, which is about two hours away." "But you see them every week?" "No, a few times a year." "But why?" "They're so close!" "I don't know." "Some things I don't understand about American life." "You don't live with your parents." "Strange." "Another thing - you hate your boss and you don't like this company." "Why not choose something else?" "I don't know how to explain it." "In my world, it just makes sense to work your ass off and go into credit card debt just so you can have that 50 inch plasma." "You like the HDSI or digiblack, which one?" "Uhm..." "They're both good." "Mr. Todd, that's my family." "That's impressive." "Asha?" "Asha, could you come here please?" "Okay, here's the deal:" "You're the best we have." "And I've seen you giving advice to the others, and after I leave, Puro's gonna need an assistant manager." "Now, we have to get the MPI down to six point zero." "Can you help us?" "Of course." "You think she can do it?" "I think Asha can do anything." "Congratulations on your promotion." "You only have to step in on a call if someone's really in trouble." "Puro, you want to get her started?" "You know about this?" "Yes, sir." "Western Novelty, Gharapuri." "What the hell is wrong with you, Todd?" "You trying to bankrupt us?" "What are you talking about?" "Have you seen the MPI?" "I'm talking about this request to ship hundreds of our products to India." "The agents can see what they look like online, they don't need to fondle them." "Actually, they do." "It's an incentive." "And they need to understand what they're selling." "So promise them the stuff, all right?" "Say it got held up by a shipping delay at customs." "You gotta think bottom line." "I am." "That's why I want to introduce our products to a potential new market of a billion people." "You there?" "I'll overnight it to you." "It's working." "Your incentive program is a very good idea, sir." "I'm learning so much from you." "I just can't believe they're so excited about this tacky stuff." "'Tacky'?" "What is 'tacky'?" "'Tacky's' like." "Never mind." "Hey." "Now, I've noticed that almost everyone's signed up for the incentive program except you." "Don't you want anything?" "What would I do with this?" "I'm a vegetarian." "Maybe it works with carrots?" "You Americans have more choices than anyone in the world, why would you choose this?" "Actually, I got mine in red." "Of all the towns " "Hello!" "You know how to - sorry." "Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she had to walk into mine." "You know how to whistle, don't you?" "You put your lips together and blow." "Shut up, just shut up." "You had me at 'hello.'" "My mama always said," ""Life is like a box of chocolates."" "'plastics.'" "Are you talking to me?" "No, okay, see, now it's not, "Are you talking to me?"" "It's "you talkin' to me?"" "These are called reductions and Americans use them all the time." ""Got to go" becomes "Gotta go"," ""Would he" becomes "woody"." "Jam those words together." "Okay, try it again." "Maybe with a little more ferocity this time." "You talkin' to me?" "You talkin' to ME!" "?" "Wow, that was very nice," "I believe it!" "Okay, who else is ready to go?" " Now we have something for you." " What?" "You will do a dance from an Indian movie." "You will be Salman Khan!" "What?" "No." "Dance, dance!" "I can't do that." "Did you iron my underwear?" "Of course." "Doesn't your mother?" "Yeah, I'm not sure what she's referring to because that product doesn't actually require batteries." "Mr. Todd, Mr. Puro, we have a problem." "The shipment from Western Novelty has gone to the wrong city." "What?" "Where did it go?" "They didn't write down the PIN number, so now they've sent the entire shipment to the other Gharapuri." "Great." "There's another Gharapuri?" "Three hours' drive, maybe six, depending on traffic." "And you're going to have to take a ferry from there." "It's an island?" "And there just happens to be a 114 MG Road in the other Gharapuri?" "Every town in India has an MG road." "It stands for Mahatma Ghandi." "He was the father of our nation." "Right." "Okay, can you take care of this?" "No problem." "But first I must sleep for two hours, so that I can come back for the interviews with the new agents, and then I must make sure that my mother gets to the hospital." "All right, never mind, I'll go." "If we lose the incentives, everything falls apart." "But, someone should go with you." "If we leave now, we can be back before night." "You want to go with him?" "Well, I'm the future assistant manager, right?" "You know, I'm pretty sure there's a painting of her in my room." "I feel like she's following me around." "That's Kali, the Goddess of Destruction." "Why would you want the Goddess of Destruction in your car?" "Sometimes destruction is a good thing." "She ends one cycle so a new one can begin." "Why don't you ask her for something?" "All right." "Destroy something for me, so I'll understand." "We have to, uhm, get a ferry and Anil will wait here for us." "My God." "Look- her hat." "Look at her hat!" "That's our product!" "Western item D334." "Wow, I've never actually seen one of our customers in the flesh before." "What's with all the tourists?" "Some famous caves." "Hardly feels like India anymore." "I could do it, you know." "Do what?" "Your accent." "If I had to, I could do it." "I'll take one of them cheesehead hats." "Yeah, yeah, yeah, madam, no problem, we are having your cheesehead." "What size would you wish to purchase?" "You're not one of them outsourcers are you?" "What's your name?" "My name is Larry." "May I kindly be having your credit card number?" "If you're an American, what's our national bird?" "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "It's the big vulture with the white head." "Yaar." "Let me speak to your supervisor." "Certainly, sir." "Hello, I am the supervisor." "How may I be helping you?" "You sound just like the other guy!" "Well, sir, some of us do sound alike, there are over one billion of us, you know." "That's terrible." "So bad." "Nice." "I guess we could let him keep his table." "But how do we get it back to the ferry?" "What's that?" "It's a temple." "A temple for what?" "Shiva lingam." "What's a lingam?" "Well, you know, the male part." "Hey, Todd, Todd, if you're going in, take off your shoes." "It's the the male part?" "It's a symbol of creation." "And the female part?" "Yes, they go together." "You see, Shiva was a very powerful god and he grew tired of the cycle of life, and death, and reincarnation, so he decided to give up the pleasures of life, and he smeared his body in ash " "Ash?" "Yes, and he didn't eat, or drink, or indulge in any physical pleasure, and this created a terrible fire within him." "Well, sure." "And it transformed him into a blazing lingam, which threatened to destroy all creation." "And the other gods didn't know what to do, so a yoni appeared, the symbol of the goddess, and she absorbed this terrible heat, restoring balance to the worlds, and saving the universe from destruction." "Wow." "Close call." "Fresh mangoes, fresh mangoes!" "Do you want a mango?" "Sure." "Have you ever eaten a mango before?" "First time." "This is great!" "Eat like this." "Hello, sir." "Are you needing nice room?" "Need a room?" "No, we're taking the ferry." "The ferry is not happening." "I get you large room, very good price." "Ferry's not happening?" "Yeah, ferry's blowing up." "The only way to stay here." "And I get you very nice room, sir." "Right." "Ferry blowing up." "Sir." "I get you last possible room on island." "For, very special price." "Come on, sir." "Good afternoon, sir." "Welcome, sir." "Afternoon." "I guess we'll take two standard rooms." "No sir, standard rooms, I'm very sorry sir." "Well, two deluxe rooms." "Unfortunately sir, the deluxe rooms already taken." "We have only one room available, sir." "The luxury suite?" "No." "Luxury suite is not yet built, sir." "But we have only one room available and the foreigners are very happy, sir." "Okay, that's good." "Yeah, that's great." "Yeah, thank you, sir, that's fine." "Just give him money." "Sir, that's enough." "That's good, thank you." "Okay," "Okay, thank you, thanks, for everything." "Well, this is incredibly awkward." "Why are you surprised?" "This is my fault?" "Of course it's your fault!" "You asked Kali to destroy something!" "It's not a joke!" "She blew up the ferry and now we're stuck here!" "You told me to!" "You said sometimes destruction can be good!" "How can this be a good thing?" "How can I tell my parents I spent the night with you in the Kamasutra Hotel?" "Well, I'm not going to tell them." "You're standing downstairs at reception with that sleazy guy, and he's saying "this room is not available," and "that room is not available,"" "and you just say ""." "Why didn't you say anything?" "Why didn't you say anything?" "I don't know how this country works!" "You know, I can't even talk to you with that stupid mango all over your face!" "I don't have mango all over my face!" "It's all over your face!" "It's" " Is it?" " Yeah." " Did I get it?" " No." "Well, I can't see." "Help me out, I can't " "Look at the deer and the hare." "Look at the coupling of the swans!" "My God." "Monkey pulls the turnip." "No, no." "That, that is impossible." " Come on, let's try it!" " No!" " Yeah, yeah, yeah." "Let's try it." " No!" " What?" "You said I should learn about India!" " No!" "Todd, no one must know about this." "It must be a secret." "Uhm, we stayed in different rooms, in different hotels and nothing happened." "Of course." "I understand." "Here, listen to this." "Press that." "So now when I call you, you will have your own official Bollywood ring tone." "It's part of your continuing education in India." "Thanks." "Well, have a good afternoon, Miss Asha." "I'll see you at work, 'Mr.Toad.'" "Hey, kid!" "For you!" "To draw, and paint." "Yeah!" "Hello!" "Hey!" "You see that?" "Unbelievable." "Mr. Todd, please go to line fifteen, we have a problem." "Hi." "Hi." "Is this an empty line?" "Yes." "Well, hello." "Very nice to chat with you." "You said there was a problem?" "Yes, sir, the problem is I have to sit three feet away from you and I can't come any closer." "Yes, that is a problem." "Perhaps we could solve that after work?" "I'm afraid that might not be possible." "But perhaps if we leave separately and go to the market we could meet there." "Well, ma'am, I have to say your perfume is driving me crazy." "Is there any way we could expedite this order?" "If I may correct you, sir, it is not perfume, it is cardamom, we live next to a spice merchant, and he grinds cardamom all day." "It gets in all our clothes." "I like it." "I'm glad you like it, sir." "You're lucky he doesn't sell garlic." "Yes, I am sir." "Hi, Todd." "My neighbor's wife is buying cabbages over there." "Come this way." "I think we're okay now." "Don't touch me, not in public." "But, I can help you down the stairs." "Well, thank you." "The MPI's almost down to six." "I'll have to leave soon." "I know, Puro told me." "You ever think about living in the US?" "I would miss my parents, it would be too hard." "Have you ever thought of living here?" "Here?" "Uhm." "Yeah, I would but I," "I just, I think I'd miss my hot dog toaster too much." "We're very close." "How close?" "I can't really go into it." "That's not a good thing." "Hey, come in for some tea." "No, I can't, not where you're staying." "People might talk, no?" "So what if they talk?" "I should be more careful," "I can't be seen with you speaking like this." "Like how?" "Intensely." "Why not?" "You're a free woman!" "Why can't you speak intensely if you want?" "Why do you worry so much what people think?" "Because " "I'm engaged to be married." " Engaged?" " Yes." "How long have you been engaged?" "Since I was four years old." "Our families have known each other for generations." "His name is Ashok, he has a very good job, he's very polite, we'll be married in July." "Do you love him?" "Not yet." "I can't believe this." "I just can't believe that someone as strong, and smart, and as opinionated as you would settle for an arranged marriage." "I'll learn to love him." "What about your right to choose for yourself?" "My parents met each other on their wedding day, they love each other." "To me, that's crazy." "Some people would say America's 50% divorce rate is crazy." "Will you tell Ashok about us?" "No, of course not, no one must know." "So what do you call this, what you and I are doing?" "Holiday in Goa." "What?" "It's something my friends and I say." "A friend of mine, Priyanka, she fell in love with a boy one month before she had to get married." "He was a boy from her school." "So, she told her parents she was under a lot of stress and she had to go for a holiday in Goa, alone." "So, she and the boy went to the beach, they had three weeks together, and she came back and got married." "So, I'm just your holiday in Goa?" "Not just, my only holiday in Goa!" "Sorry." "Sorry." "So where can we go to be alone?" "Shake my hand like a business person and go inside." "It was a pleasure talking with you, Miss," "Mahatvarika." "Hey!" "Hi." "I'm sorry, I don't have any " "You want me to come over?" "Namaste." "Namaste." "Hello?" "It's Dave." "Did you see our numbers?" "No, I was traveling." "So do you need me to go through them with you?" "No, I need a ride." "A ride?" "I'm at the train station." "I just got here from Bombay." "It was a damn nightmare." "Get over here and pick me up." "Wait one minute." "Dave!" "What are you doing here?" "Surprise!" "Hello, saab, hello." "Hi, you want gola?" "Wait, wait, I will make!" "Looks like a storage unit." "You get what you pay for." "What's with the music?" "It's probably a wedding." "Dave, why are you here?" "What kind of manager would I be if I didn't drop in on field operations every now and then?" "You don't trust me?" "Of course I trust you," "I just want to see it with my own eyes." "All I'm getting is a bunch of numbers, which look good." "Some might say too good for three weeks' work." "What, you think I'm rigging the MPI?" "Relax." "If I walk in and see two dozen people generating an MPI in the sixes, I will be a happy man." "After you." "Puro, what the hell is this?" "It's the water coming from the farmer next door because of irrigation." "Irrigation?" "That is when the water is flooded on the crops." "I know what that means." "Water is coming from everywhere, very bad, nowhere to go, big problem, what to do!" "We're down to ten working stations." "Now eight, my God!" "I am going to shred your passport." "Relax, Dave, it's no problem." "No problem?" "How can you say no problem?" "What would a problem look like, Todd?" "It's no problem, Dave." "We're going up to the roof." "The roof?" "People, we're going up to the roof." "We're going to rewire this whole place in the next 20 minutes." "It's a nice night, it's dry up there." "We'll bring up the workstations, run a new main power cable." "We're going back online upstairs." "That's impossible." "Maybe back in the states it is." "Anil, get the car." "I'll be right back with a consultant." "Consultant?" "Guarav, this is my neighbor." "He's going to help with the rewiring." "Okay." "Consultant?" "Yeah." "See." "No problem." "Yes, I am sincere." "Look, I do not care what you look like, you have such a lovely voice and personality." "Manmeet!" "Marriage proposal is not small talk." "I think she's the one!" "Not tonight." "But Todd, I'm in love!" "As long as she buys something every five minutes, and you clock it as a separate incident, you can say whatever you want." "Thanks, Todd!" "Elizabeth, wonderful news - we can speak all night!" "I mean all day." "Yes, sir." "No, sir." "Maybe, sir." "Quick, quick, quick!" "It's a supervisor demand." "Hey, Kumar." "Thanks." "Hello?" "You've got to be kidding me." "I'm buying a freaking American eagle from a company that's supposed to be in America, and I get India?" "I understand that you're upset, sir." "No you don't!" "You don't understand!" "Last month I lost my job at the plant where I worked for 22 years because the whole operation moved to Mexico." "My brother had to leave town because there are no jobs." "I know how you feel, sir." "No you don't, you have a job!" "Sir, please don't hang up, I have a solution for you." "What?" "See, we understand that many Americans are upset about outsourcing, so we have located American made versions of all our products." "If you have a pen, I will give you the web site of an American company that makes an eagle statue very similar to ours, same size, same materials, only theirs is made 100% in America." "Well, thanks." "I appreciate it." "But, is the price about the same?" "No, sir, theirs is two hundred and twelve dollars more." "Sir?" "Yeah, all right, uhm, just sell me yours." "Thank you, sir." "May I have your credit card number?" "All right, ma'am, let me just check that with my supervisor, okay, the statue should ship to you overnight at no extra charge." "Right." "Anything else?" "Okay, thank you for calling Western Novelty, my name is Guarav." "That's the day." "Well done, everyone!" "Thank you." "By the way, we broke six!" "Congratulations!" "You guys are amazing!" "I want to see you all at the Lotus." "Dave?" "Hey, you feeling okay?" "Like I swallowed a live squirrel." "Don't worry, it only lasts a week." "Look, some of us are going over to the Lotus club to celebrate." "Why don't you come with us?" "What's the Lotus?" "It's like an after hours club for call center workers who get off at six a.m." "You know, it'll be fun, you wouldn't like it." "Hang on, I need to talk to you." "We could talk tomorrow." "No, you're right, there's another reason I came here." "I need to wipe our proprietary data off these hard drives before we pull out of India." "What are you talking about?" "Don't tell me that a cheap bastard like you is going to move fulfillment back to Seattle." "No." "China." "We're running an existing call center there already." "They go online tomorrow." "China's the new India." "Twenty heads for the price of one." "What are you going to do?" "Make a speech!" "Speech!" "I do have something to say, unfortunately it's bad news." "I just found out." "I don't know an easy way to do this " "Western Novelty has decided to move order fulfillment to China." "All of your jobs have been outsourced." "Don't go to work tomorrow, it's over." "Mr. Dave is wiping the hard drives right now." "You get a month's severance pay, that's it." "Guys." "Announcement." "I am," "I am engaged to Elizabeth Watson of Orange, New Jersey, yeah!" "I'm sorry, I didn't know, I swear." "Why are they happy about this?" "They will be." "It doesn't matter." "We've trained them to a point where they can get a job anywhere." "Microsoft, Dell, Office Tiger." "They can get a job in a week." "With the severance pay, they can have some fun." "So you can get another job, too?" "Management is different." "And I'm not young anymore." "If I'm lucky, I'll get a job, but that might take a long time." "Bhagyashree's parents will hear this and she will marry someone else." "What's the hurry?" "Astrology." "Her moons are lined up." "Auspicious time." "She must marry this year." "And now I don't have a job." "I'm so sorry." "I must leave India." "What?" "Why?" "I will die if I see Bhagyashree walking on the street with her new husband." "If it's any consolation," "I'm probably fired, too." "I'm sorry." "You're a good boss." "Asha." "Sorry." "Listen, I'm not concerned about the job," "I'm more concerned about my novel." "Your what?" "I'm writing a book in between calls at work and I saved a copy on my hard drive." "I don't want Dave to erase it, so can we go back and save it?" "Yeah, I guess we should." "I think we should go." "Immediately." "What's this book of yours called?" "Holiday in Goa." "That was great!" "I almost believed you myself!" "I think you should write a book called that " " Todd!" " Yeah?" "No time for small talk!" "Where can we go?" "Guarav gave us the key to his place." "It's okay, he's a friend, and I can trust him." "We can be alone together." "We have two hours." "Okay, I have to ask you something," "What is that?" "It's a bindi." "It's your third eye." "It's the eye with which you see the most important things." "Sometimes two eyes aren't enough and they need help." "But you have already been my third eye." "I have?" "How?" "Well, my father is an assistant manager in a phone company, and my mother comes from a small village, a girl in my position has her whole life mapped out in front of her." "Everything I've done I've had to fight for " ""Asha, you can't go to university,."" ""Asha, you can't work in a call center, what will people say?"" "What you said, it was the first time I'd ever heard anything like that." "What did I say?" ""Asha can do anything."" "I always wanted to believe that, but until you, I didn't think it was true." "I hope Ashok sees it." "Well, he better because if he doesn't then I'll leave him, and I'll come to the US, and take away your job." "God, I'm going to miss you." "You'll meet someone." "If I do, she won't smell like cardamom." "Well rub some on her and pretend she is me." "She won't have your eyes, either." "I wish I could meet someone exactly like you." "Well, almost exactly." "Almost?" "Someone as beautiful as you, and as smart as you," "as funny " "But?" "But, who's not afraid to try monkey pulls the turnip." "Asha can do anything." "Hi, Toad!" "How are you?" "Good." "My friend, Sudha, my guest, Toad." "Toad," "Okay." "Data's uploaded." "This hardware's not worth shipping to China, so we're just gonna leave it here." "If there's anything you want, other than that plasma, I've got that covered, you can take it." "Just do it, Dave." "Vest my options and let me go." "You don't need me anymore." "We don't need you here." "We need you in Shanghai." "You're insane." "Someone's gotta train the new guy." "We have been acquired by the largest direct marketing firm in the United States." "Western is just going to be a small part of this." "The new company is going to outsource 4,000 call center jobs." "We need a VP to manage it all." "I showed them your numbers, and they want you." "It's no joke, it's a great job, you get all the benefits you asked for, plus a fat raise." "I'm not going to China." "And you get to keep the stock options as opposed to losing them, and being unemployed." "No thanks." "Someone's head hunting you." "All right, we'll beat their offer, whatever it is!" "Did I mention that your stock options will double in value?" "Maybe triple?" "And you don't have to live in China." "No." "All you have to do is get the call center up to speed and then you visit every couple of months." "You get first class travel and a corporate apartment, that's yours, in a high rise overlooking the harbor." "What do you want, Todd?" "Just tell me what you want." "You can't quit." "Then you will have worked your ass off here for nothing." "You can't quit, Todd." "Who am I going to send to Shanghai?" "You better hurry, it's boarding." "Mrs. Puro." "Congratulations to both of you." "Enjoy the view of the harbor." "Todd, you saved my life." "You saved mine." "Don't worry about learning this center." "You'll be great." "Break a leg." "Break my leg?" "It's an expression." "Basically means good luck." "Thank you, Todd." "I hope that both your legs get broken." "I'll never forget you said that." "Bye." "Flight 800, leaving for Shanghai, boarding at gate number 13." "Mom?" "Hey, it's Todd!" "Yeah, I'm back!" "It was, well, I'll tell you about it when I come visit." "Hello?"