"When you're a creative individual at a Catholic high school, most classes feel like the final season of "Lost"..." "Unsatisfying, and the cute guys are all straight, which is why I'm so excited to be taking music appreciation." "What are you doing here?" "Enriching my mind and my spirit, like that time I read The New Yorker not just for the cartoons." "What are you doing here?" "Oh, Kenny." "Stupid, stupid Kenny." "I don't get what's so funny." "Well, music appreciation is a joke." "I seriously doubt that." "All right, kids." "Welcome to the wonderful world of music." "Take out a piece of paper, write something on it, and grade yourselves." "And do not interrupt me while I'm doing my scratch-off." "Ms. Dunn?" "Kenny O'Neal here." "I, for one, am thirsty for a bit of music education." "Don't mind my brother, Ms. Dunn." "He's gay, so he likes unnecessary conflict." "Sit down, Kenny." "This isn't Bravo." "Oh, my God." "I just won $1 million." "I'm free." "The nightmare is over!" "But you're still gonna teach, though, yeah?" "Why start now?" "Adiós" "All right, help me decide, Father Phil." "What's a better appetizer for the bishop..." "Deviled eggs or pigs in a blanket?" "Well, invoking the devil with the bishop is probably a no-no, but let me taste." "Mmm." "Okay." "Devil be damned, this is a yes-yes." "Oh, thank God." "I'm just so nervous and excited." "I cannot believe that the church chose our family to host a dinner for the bishop." "Ever since the Stackwells' murder-suicide, you are our top divorced family." "That is so nice to hear." "It's a real honor." "What's also nice is that it gives us a chance to show everyone that, you know, the whole dad-living- in-the-garage situation not only works, but it has the approval of the church." "It is not a garage." "I've told you a million times..." "It's a tiny house." "Father Phil." "Ooh!" "Hello, deviled eggs." "Ahh!" "We have two days to get this place ready for the bishop, and you still haven't fixed the garbage disposal." "I never got this kind of 'tude from the Stackwells." "You are never gonna believe what happened at school today." "You actually paid attention and learned something?" "Hey, that's a good one." "No." "So, uh, my teacher Ms. Dunn won $1 million off a scratch-off ticket, and then she said some sweet curse words and quit." "It was..." "It was awesome." "Wait, wait." "Ms. Dunn?" " Short, big eyes, frizzy hair?" " Yeah." "That's her." "You know what?" "I'm feeling lucky today." "I'm gonna have one of those scratchers, please." "Ms. Dunn, right?" "Oh, is that all you have?" "I also have a cat and a very loving niece." "Why don't you go ahead?" "Oh, thanks." "One scratch-off, please." "And a packet of condoms." "You never know." "I let her go ahead of me." "That was supposed to be my ticket." "That was supposed to be my $1 million." "My whole life could have been different." "She only has a cat and a niece, Dad." "So you can get in there." "Thanks for coming in on such short notice, everybody." "As you know, Ms. Dunn hit the jackpot and never has to come back to this hell-ishly wonderful institution of learning." "So just sit tight while I consult with my team, and I'll be back in a jiff." "Are these the new teaching candidates for music appreciation class?" "Tired." "Dead inside." "Uninspired." "Wait a second." "Italian loafer, no socks." "A Patek Philippe watch." "Gingham and plaid on purpose?" "This man is a homosexual." "Hello." "I'm Kenny O'Neal." "Hi." "I'm Mr. Peters." "Hi." "Um, I'm a student helper." "I'm making photocopies of résumés for Vice Principal Murray." "May I see yours?" "20 years on Broadway?" "Gay Men's Chorus?" "Former personal assistant to Elaine Stritch?" "!" "Not bad." "Oh, my God." "This guy might be the gay role model" "I've been looking for." "He could help me become the best version of me, or rather, do, re, mi." "Let's start at the very beginning." "♪ A very good place to start ♪" "♪ When you read, you begin with... ♪" "Men's Health magazine?" "A-B-C." "♪ When you sing, you begin with do, re, mi ♪" "♪ Do, re, mi ♪" "Yes!" "♪ Doe ♪" "♪ A deer, a female deer ♪" "♪ Ray ♪" "♪ A drop of golden sun ♪" "Me!" "♪ A name I call myself ♪" "Far." "♪ A long, long way to run ♪" "♪ Sew, a needle pulling thread ♪" "♪ La, a note to follow so ♪" "♪ Tea, a drink with jam and bread ♪" "♪ That will bring us back to do ♪" " Ow." " No carbs." "We bake for others." "You have to hire Mr. Peters." "Oh, thank God!" "This thing keeps saying, "Ask again." "Ask again."" "I've been asking again for 10 minutes." "I hate this!" "I hate this!" "I hate this!" "If you hate this so much, then why are you doing it?" "Well, I would have hired a plumber, Shannon, but I'm not a millionaire like that frizzy-hair dream-stealer Ms. Dunn." "You know why she's a millionaire and you're not?" "You're too nice." " That's very sweet of you to say." " Stop it!" "You're constantly putting other people's needs before your own." "If you hadn't let that teacher go ahead of you, you'd be the millionaire right now rather than some guy playing "Final Destination"" "with a garbage disposal." "Listen, when you grow up in a big family with six brothers sharing five pairs of underwear, you kind of learn not to want anything for yourself." "Okay, well, then it's time to unlearn that." "You have to put yourself first for once." "If you had $1 million, what would you buy?" "Well, I-I have always wanted an electric toothbrush." "Oh, my God, Dad!" "Think bigger!" "Anything in the world." "What would you want?" "I don't know." "I don't know what I want!" "Well, then figure it out." "What do you really want?" "I really want to stop being yelled at by a little girl." "Well, then maybe you should stop acting like one." "Ohh!" "Okay, maybe that was too far." "Good morning, class." "Good morning." "Mr. Peters, I brought you a Jazz apple from New Zealand because I'm suspecting we both have a mutual love of Bob Fosse." "It's pronounced Foss-ay." " No, I'm pretty sure it's Fo..." " Sit down." "Okay." "Let's start at the very beginning..." "It's happening." "...with the gloomy harmonics of the Renaissance period." "I don't know what any of that means, but it doesn't matter, because I'm already going to give myself an A." "All right." "Well, since you've already got an A, then surely you must know the difference between a madrigal and a cantata." "Oh, yeah." "Uh, a madrigal is something that David Blaine does." "And a cantata is something Mommy makes for breakfast." "Good." "You know what I think is funny?" "You all just bought yourselves a 500-word oral presentation on this." "Is that the theme to "Die Hard 3"?" "No." "It's Carl Orff's "Carmina Burana."" "Huh." "Is Bruce Willis in that, too?" "Let's make it 1,000 words." "And it's due tomorrow." "Okay, seriously?" "Um, Mr. Peters, I think there's been a misunderstanding." "To put it in musical terms, before you came, this class was a bit more adagio than allegro." "So, you know, maybe we could ease into a more strenuous curriculum?" "I hear you." "This is my first day." "I don't know how this school works." "I'm probably being a little overzealous." "Why don't we take a little sidebar in the hallway and you two can help me adjust my teaching style?" "Oh!" "I've got ideas." "This is good." "We're getting a dialogue going." "Hmm." "So, this is a sidebar." "Oh!" "What smells like Delaware?" "Ugh!" "Oh, I can't believe your father hasn't fixed the garbage disposal." "Ugh!" "What has your father been doing?" "Hopefully putting himself first for once." "I told you to stop reading that Deepak Chopra." "How am I gonna make this dinner with no sink?" "Knockity-knock-knock." "Just knock for real or come right in." "Sorrity-sor-sor..." "Oh, I apologize." "Oh, good." "You brought your tool belt." "Did Pat call you to fix the garbage disposal?" "Oh, no." "Pat invited me over to check out his new meat smoker." "This tool belt is for grilling' and chillin'." "Huh?" "It's the biggest one you can get with out a license." "And, apparently, it's the same one The Rock has." "Dad, this is awesome!" "I know!" "Now I can literally smell what The Rock is cooking." "Thanks for pushing me to do it, sweetie." "Hey, want to help me season up these puppies?" "Sure, if they're not actual puppies." "So, this is what you've been up to?" "Instead of fixing the garbage disposal, you bought this toy?" "Oh, come on!" "This is not a toy!" "It has metal ears and a snout." "Well, the snout doubles as an air vent." "Eileen, the Pigerator 2000 is serious business." "Shut it down, roll it into the shed, and return all this meat." "I can't return it." "I've been rubbing my meat all morning." "And I'm gonna help him pound it." "This is ridiculous, Pat, and the bishop will be here very soon." "Well, hey, maybe I think it's a little ridiculous that we're worrying about impressing a bishop" " we've never even met." " Oh, now, now." "Don't fight." "You're scaring Shannon." "I'm not scared." "I'm proud of my dad for finally taking care of himself." "Pat, finish up your little project, fix the garbage disposal, then get in the shower, and put on a suit." "Eileen, we're not married anymore." "So you can't tell me what to do." "Well, somebody has to, because you cannot meet the bishop dressed like that." "Well, then I guess I just don't get to meet the bishop." "I just realized." "When I said I was gonna pound Pat's meat, it could be taken the wrong way." "I'm going to give Mr. Peters the benefit of the doubt." "Yes, he had a rough start, but I know that deep down within that uptight personality, there's a Frauelein Maria just waiting to break out." "I got somebody hired here who seemed like a good person to work with, and she wound up being difficult and bossy." " My mom?" " Exactly." "Mm." "I tried talking to Mr. Peters in the teachers' lounge, you know, gay to gay, but I think our bad attitudes really set him off." "I mean, he probably threw out my Jazz apple because he prefers Red Delicious." "Oh, please." "Nobody likes Red Delicious." "It's like biting into a sweater." "That's what he said." "Even though he'd probably reject my friendship," "I want to meet him and spend years trying to make him my new bestie." "Not in that blouse." "Wait a second." "Maybe you could hang out with him." "I mean, he's new to town." "I think he's just lonely." "Kenny, this is Steve we're talking about, honey." "He's not nice to just anybody." "It takes years to get into his inner circle." "Can he sing karaoke?" "20 years on Broadway." "He's my new best friend." "Ow." "Don't mind me." "Just grabbing some tongs." "Got too close to the fire and dropped mine in there." "No time for tongs." "You have to leave." "The bishop's gonna be here any minute, and I can't have my lover in my house." "I thought you didn't like the term "lover."" "That's how nervous I am!" "And Pat is driving me crazy." "What is the bishop gonna think about our perfect post-divorce family if I can't even get my ex-husband to come inside the house?" "Now scoot." "Come on." "If you're so worried about it, just cancel the dinner." "Or do what I've done when students have visited my office..." "Just turn out all the lights and pretend you're not there." "You can't ghost a bishop." "Oh, Bishop!" "Hello." "You must be Eileen." "Yes, I am." "And it is so wonderful to meet you." "You must be Pat." "Oh, no, I'm not Pat." "Then who are you?" "He's Patrick." "He goes by Patrick." "We're Patrick and Eileen O'Neal." "Welcome to our home." "Eileen, I'm only agreeing to do this because we are lovers." " Your words, not mine." " Thank you." "I appreciate it." "But you should know I'm a terrible liar." "I'll start down a path, I will not be able to stop." "Like that time I was late for dinner." "I told you I met the mayor." "I was just cruising around a Tommy Bahama." "I forgive you." "Now go be my fake husband." " Your Eminence." " Fake husband?" "All right." "Here's the deal." "You kids know that I think lying is very wrong, and I don't condone it, unless it involves returning a pantsuit to Macy's after only wearing it once." "But, just for tonight, VP Murray is your father." "Does he have to wear my church blazer?" "Well, we tried one of your father's, but it made him look like Paula Poundstone." "Bishop, how are you enjoying your soup?" "Patrick here was telling me it's a family recipe." "My great-great-grandmother, Lucille O'Neal, on the ship, oh, she got so sick she had to give the recipe to her twin sister, Bathsheba... because she was just vomiting so force..." "It was like a geyser, and..." "Ow!" "Mm." "We should eat quick and go upstairs so we can finish our papers for music appreciation." " Why?" " Have a drink." "You said Steve the Colorist is taking care of it, so..." "Jimmy, he's not writing your paper for you." "He's taking Mr. Peters to gay karaoke." ""Gay karaoke"?" "No." "It's just, um..." "It's a..." "An expression the teenagers use nowadays." "You know, it's like, "This food is so good, it's like gay karaoke."" "See?" "Thank you, dear." "Is something burning?" "No, I don't think so." "Oh!" "Do you know, the neighbor bought a meat smoker." "His name is Clive." "He's a super guy." "He's a vice principal." "He's got a coupon caddy." "He's kind of like the sixth member of this family." "No, he's not." "Then, why do you make him do such stressful things?" "Why aren't you wearing a shirt?" "This is hard work, Shannon." "It's hot, and I'm slaving over a giant meat furnace." "Also, I just learned the hard way that my shirt's highly flammable." "Well, Mom's freaking out in there, we can't breathe, and VP Murray's not great at improv." "So turn off the smoker and come inside." "Mm." "No can do, Shannon." "Pat's living in Pat's world now, population..." "Pat." "Okay, well, forget what I said about putting yourself first." "I was wrong." "We need you in there." "I am feeling a freedom I have never experienced!" "I'm alive!" "Aliiiiiiiiive!" "I've created a monster." "We may look modern on the outside, but we try to be traditional." "Kenny O'Neal!" "You ruined gay karaoke for me forever." "You see?" "Gay karaoke." "Everybody's saying it." "Sorry we barged in." "Steve made me." "He's outraged." "I am outraged." "You must be the bishop." "Nice to meet you." "I'm Pat... in case you were wondering." "Oh, perhaps you and your Boy Scout leader, Steve, would care to discuss your merit badges in another room." "What happened?" "Did you take Mr. Peters out?" "Yeah, did you get him to lighten up?" "Is he canceling class tomorrow?" "No, he didn't lighten up." "He critiqued everyone's performance." "You made him sound like he was fun-mean, but he was just mean-mean." "He made Mateo cry." "Well, his ear is trained to hear mistakes." "I mean, he's a music teacher." "He spent 20 years on Broadway." "As an usher for "Tony 'n' Tina's Wedding."" "You should not be saying anything bad about him." "We need to support each other." "Why?" "Because we're gay?" "Wake up, girl." "Not all gay people are great." "Clearly." "Okay." "I'm done with you." "If you compromise my relationship with Steve the Colorist, I'll never do your bang again." "Great." "Just great." "Your plan with Mr. Peters didn't work, and now I have to write a paper on Carmen Electra." "It's "Carmina Burana."" "I-Is that her mom?" "Well, maybe this is a chance for you to actually try for once." "Maybe you'll learn something." "Oh!" "You sound just like Dad." "I'm talking Crazy Meat Dad, not Paula Poundstone Dad." "In the words of Steve the Colorist," "I'm done with you." "I have five brothers." "One's name is..." " Patrick?" " Hmm?" "You have shared so much, and I think maybe it's just a... a lot for the bishop to digest." "It's just, having you here is such a wonderful confirmation that even though our family's unconventional, you know, God hasn't rejected us." "Well, that's just poor timing." "I am sweating through my collar." " Can we open a window?" " Oh." "I'll do it." "I replaced all the windows last summer." "Just the kind of guy I am." "Also, I'm a cop." "Oh!" "It feels like we're dining in hell." "Well, we're all gonna be in heaven... in a few minutes when we try Eileen's dessert." "Oh, what'd you make?" "I'm defrosting a cheesecake in the bathtub." "It's going to be delicious." "The smoke is really bothering my asthma." "I'm going to get some air." "The front porch has better air!" "You must be the neighbor, Clive." "Oh." "No." "I'm Pat O'Neal, Eileen's ex-husband." "How are you?" "If you're Pat, who's he?" "Well, it's a long story, but I can tell it." "Um, strangely enough, our tale begins in a shtetl." " Okay." "That's enough." " I..." "I can't let you lie for me anymore." "Bishop, here's the truth." "The person you thought was Pat is actually... my gentleman friend, Clive, who is a very important part of this family." "And the shirtless man over there by the meat is actually my ex-husband and the father of my children, Pat." "No." "He's not." "That man is not my father." "My real father is a sweet man who always puts other people's needs before his own... until I trained that out of him." "But the real Pat O'Neal is the glue that holds this family together." "Honey, that's so sweet." "Am I allowed to say that's sweet?" "Yes." "Most divorced dads move away and start new families elsewhere, but you moved into the garage to stay closer to us." "You moved into this garage to be closer to your children?" "Um, it is a tiny house, and, yes, I did." "I-It's honestly the only way we've been able to make it work since the divorce." "It's messy, and it's hard, and the truth is, we are not the poster family for anything, except maybe meat." "I appreciate your honesty." "I've done this long enough to know no one's perfect." "It's how we deal with our imperfections that defines us." "For example, my cardiologist told me to stay away from meat, but I really feel like that brisket is calling my name." "May I?" "Yeah?" "Sure." " There you go." " Hm." "Mmm." "It's like gay karaoke." "Ironically, "Carmina Burana" was written by clergy when the Latin idiom was the lingua franca." "Yeah, dude, I was surprised, too." "And that's why Carl Orff's famous scenic cantata can only be described as..." "And I don't like to use these words lightly..." ""balls to the wall."" "Whoo!" "Not bad work, Mr. O'Neal." "Thanks." "I worked on it all night." "That's why my hair looks so weird." "But the assignment was for a 1,000-word presentation." "You were two words short." "Okay, um..." ""The end."" "Clever, but that doesn't count." "You fail." "Now, moving on..." "Wait a second." "Now you're just picking on him." "Jimmy has never worked this hard on anything, and it's not like you actually counted all of those words." "Of course I did." "This is an official usher's counter from a Broadway theater." "Okay, but there's no way on earth you can count words that quickly." "That was 13." "You know what, Mr. Peters?" "I really thought that you were going to be somebody" "I could look up to and emulate..." "A gay inspiration." "The truth is, you're a bad role model." "You're not fun-mean." "You're just mean-mean." "You want to see mean?" "You fail, too." "Okay!" "That is not fair!" "His presentation was twice as long as mine." "I mean, he said "in conclusion,"" "and then he spoke for another 10 minutes." "All right." "That's enough from you two." "I want you both to go see Vice Principal Murray." "Oh, you mean the man that we had breakfast with this morning who was wearing our mom's robe?" "Gladly." "And we'll be having a word with him about you." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "And you know what?" ""Tony 'n' Tina's Wedding" isn't even a Broadway show." "It's glorified dinner theater." "I am ready to share my knowledge." "What exactly do you want to know?" "All kinds of things." "Like, at what point do I tell my eye doctor that I'm gay?" "He knows." "Next?" "Did you participate in the Stonewall riots?" "Yeah." "I threw my teddy bear at a cop." "How old do you think I am?" "Don't answer that!" "It's a trap." "Ms. Dunn, you look gorgeous." "Do you do cats?" "I want to give General Kitten a perm." "Absolutely." "Now, let's talk about the gay history that really matters." "In the summer of 1958, the Ciccone family welcomed a young girl into the world." "Her name was Madonna." "Yes."