"Give me a break!" "This is highway robbery." "I'm on a fixed income." "50 dollars is as high as I'll go." "OK." "I'm desperate." "You got a deal. 60." "Oh, good news." "I got your date for the banquet." " Ma, I'll get my own date." " Fine, pay 100." "Here." "Help me finish these invitations." "Hi, girls." "Boy, am I stuffed!" "I sampled food from over ten caterers." " Find one for the banquet?" " Not yet." "Oh, but I did learn that baked Alaska can actually be cooked locally." "I have an even bigger scoop for you." "Mars bars are made right here on earth." "Oh, girls, this time I have really done it." "Thanks to me, the hospital charity banquet will be in the Bedford Hotel!" "Blanche, the Committee is on a budget." " I know." "I worked out a deal." " We can't afford that room." "But I worked out a deal." "I told the manager, if we got that room," "I'd persuade my sister to sing in his bar." " You mean your sister Virginia?" " No, my sister Susan Anton." "Blanche, how could you tell such a lie?" "He didn't believe me for a minute." "Said I was too attractive to be related to her." "But we got the room, cos he liked my moxie." "And you liked showing him it." "Well, we have a place." "Now we need a caterer." "One's dropping by this afternoon." " Did you hire the band?" " Rose is supposed to." "I warn you, we may end up with the Hansger Flugenhaben Yodeling Quartet." " [doorbell]" " Not true." "They broke up." "But the Sonia Van Kügel Tuba Band is free." "Hi." "I'm Jake Smollens from VIP Catering." "Hello." "I'm Rose Nylund from St Olaf, Minnesota." "These are my friends, Dorothy and..." "Blanche." "Blanche Devereaux." "I am Chairman of the Planning Committee." "So, could you tell us something about your background?" "Well, I've run VIP Catering for five years." "Before that I was a cook in the Navy." "I can cook beef for 1,500 or Chateaubriand for two." "No, Mr Smollens." "What I meant was, are you married?" "No, I'm not, and please, call me Jake." " Oh, my pleasure." " I once had an Uncle Jake." "Of course, he could never cook." "He also could never get through our 4th of July picnics without unzipping his overalls." "Too bad your uncle can't make it to the banquet." "So, er... tell me, Jake." "How much do you think these meals will cost?" "Well, do you want something simple or fancy?" "We want something cheap." " I admire your honesty." " I admire your chest." "I mean, er... exactly what kind of meal are we talking about?" "I could do a nice Yankee pot roast." "Mashed potatoes, mixed vegetables, wild green salad." "And for starters, my special, clam chowder." "No charge." "Mm-mm." "That sounds delicious." "Just consider yourself hired." "Now... when shall I come to your place to..." "sample what you have to offer?" "I got a better idea." "There's a romantic diner on the Boardwalk." "They use my recipes." "I'll pick you up tomorrow, and we'll check out a few things." " I thought you'd never ask!" " Swell." " I'll see you tomorrow night." " OK." "Nice meeting you, ladies." " Nice meeting you." " Our pleasure." "Wow!" "What a hunk!" "I know." "Eat your hearts out!" "Did it ever occur to you that Rose or I might be interested in Jake?" "Yes." "And you still used every ploy to nab him?" " Yes." " Then what do you have to say?" "Damn, I'm good." "Well, isn't this romantic?" "Oh, yes, it certainly is... if you happen to be Popeye." "Jake, what can I do for you?" " We'd like the best table." " OK, buddy." "Oh, this is great." "Thanks." "And we'll have the usual." "Alright." "Is this really the best table?" " Did you get a splinter?" " No." "Then this is the best table." " You're pulling my leg." " I'd like to." " Stop being naughty!" " Sorry." "I didn't mean that." "Neither did I. Be naughty again!" "You're one hell of a woman." "I know." "Go on." "Well, in all my years in the Navy I've never met anybody like you." "Well, in all my years dating the Navy, I've never met anybody like you." "Erm..." "Jake, is it my imagination, or is there a tattoo of a nose on your arm?" "Yeah." "I got that when I first joined the Navy back in '51." "I was a kid." "I was drunk." "So was the tattooist." "I asked for a rose, he thought I said "nose"." " Oh, thanks." " Thanks." "Well, Blanche..." " I really like being with you." " I like being with you, too." "Mmm." "This looks delicious." "Now, before you eat that clam chowder, there's one thing." "What?" "It tastes better if your lips are warmed up." "I see now why it's so romantic here." "[cacophony]" "[elaborate final flourish]" "Thank you." "Thank you." "Thank you." "And now, for my next number," "I'll play something by one of my favorites and, I hope, one of yours." "Huey Lewis And The News!" "Er..." "I think we've heard enough, Mr Hinkley." "OK." "We go right to the big finale." " I'm afraid we're out of time." " But it's a real show-stopper." "I hold up two lit sparklers with my hands, and play Hey, Look Me Over with my feet." " Smoking a cigarette?" " No?" "Darn." "You were this close." "Goodbye." "Oh, we're in trouble." "We've auditioned a dozen musicians." "The banquet is two weeks away, and we've no band." "What do we do?" "I'll tell you what we're gonna do, Rose." "We're gonna eat a cheesecake." "Hi, Ma." "Shouldn't you be finishing those invitations?" "I'm here for some water." "Stamp-licking dries me out." " Why don't you use a sponge?" " I'd rather drink from a glass." "Blanche, don't you and Jake have dinner reservations tonight?" "Yes, we do." "He's late." "Well, he must have a good reason." "Anyway, who cares?" "He is a dreamboat." "Yes, being with Jake has been wonderful, but I cannot get used to some things." "Really?" "Like what?" "Well, it's a question of breeding." "He uses fingers instead of his knife to eat." "Tucks his napkin into his collar." "Wears white after Labor Day." "Blanche, the man is a winner." "What's the matter with you?" "I don't know." "Maybe I'm just overly critical." "That sometimes happens when you're stunningly beautiful." "Not to mention endlessly irritating." "Blanche, Jake's here." "Make yourself at home." "Don't touch anything." " Hi, everybody." " You are filthy!" "I helped a lady stranded by the roadside, and ended up fixing her transmission." "Aren't there professionals who do that?" "Andy Granatelli does." "Although he doesn't actually fix them himself." "Doesn't want to dirty his trench coat." "But I hear he has this special school..." "I know: "Shut up, Rose."" "Please, honey." "I'll make it up to you." "I'll pack a picnic basket and we'll drive to the beach." "I'll spread a blanket on the sand, take you in my arms..." "I forgive you." "I mean..." "I mean Blanche should forgive you." "Oh, alright." "I forgive you." "But forget the picnic." "I'll get us that blanket." " He's a wonderful man." " Oh, I know." "Why can't I ever attract men like that?" " You can, Dorothy." " Oh, Ma, you really think so?" "No, but you think I'm gonna tell you that?" "Ma, did you mail all the invitations?" "None of the Gs through the Ls has responded." "Sure, I took them in a shoebox to the post office." " Unless..." " Unless what?" "Unless I sent my best pair of heels overnight mail." "Ma, this is terrible!" "You're telling me." "Now I don't have shoes for the party." "Girls, I am so excited!" "We have a band." " You hired somebody?" " Yep, The Great Pretenders." "It's an all-female jazz band." "They're supposed to be fantastic." "Well, now it's going to be a good party!" "Oh, it's too bad you couldn't find a better date than Harvey." "Well, I wouldn't brag about my date, if I were you." "Incidentally, is Walter renting that blue tuxedo again?" "Walter never rented a blue tuxedo, and you know it." "He owns that blue tuxedo." "Girls, did Jake call?" "He is half an hour late." "No, Blanche." "Will Jake be able to take you to the banquet?" "Well, he might be able to take me, but my date is Hunter McCoy." " What about Jake?" " What about him?" "Well, Jake has to take you." "You'll both be there." "He'll expect you to be there with him." "How could you do this?" "Well, you make it sound so terrible." "It's not." "Jake just doesn't belong with certain people." "He's a blue-jeans kind of guy." "This is a black-tie affair." "We wouldn't have any fun." "Sometimes you act just like a woman I knew in St Olaf." "Please, no-one say, "What woman?"" "Blanche, Jake is crazy about you." "You'll break his heart." "Honey, don't be silly." "Jake knows I care for him, but our relationship can only go so far." " [doorbell]" " That's probably him." " Hi, honey." " Hi, sweetheart." " Hello, everybody." " Hi." "Is there somewhere we could be alone?" " Can't it wait till later?" " No." "Alright, I'm flexible." "But of course, you know that already!" "No, no, no, no." "I want to ask you something now." "Right here, where we first met." "Erm..." "Ma, Rose, why don't we go into the kitchen?" " What, and miss all this?" " Get up!" "Listen." "I know what you want to ask me." "Now, I've been giving our relationship a great deal of thought, and I just think you're a wonderful man." "I love the time we spend together." "But we do come from two different worlds, you know, so our relationship can only go so far, and I can't go to the banquet with you." "Well..." "That's not what I was gonna ask you, but you answered my question." "Why?" "I don't understand." "[laughs nervously] I was gonna ask you to marry me." "Rose, what are you doing up?" "I can't sleep." "I'm having nightmares about the banquet." "Oh?" "What kind of nightmares?" "I'm at the banquet." "It looks beautiful." "I look beautiful." "Everybody looks beautiful." "And suddenly Charlton Heston walks in, dressed like Moses." "And he tries to part the dessert table." "When that doesn't work, he rounds up the guests and leads them to the lingerie department of the nearest JCPenney's where everybody starts making fun of the fat-lady underwear." "What do you suppose it means?" "That you've spent too many years sleeping on curlers." "Ma, you can't sleep, either?" "No, I'm sleeping so good, I thought I'd come try it in the sink." "I guess everybody's a little jumpy about the banquet." "Except Blanche." "She could at least have the good taste to pretend she can't sleep." "She's probably nervous about running into Jake." "Sometimes, when people are under pressure, they sleep to escape." "Dorothy's father used to do that." "Unfortunately, it was usually during foreplay." " Ma, the man is dead." " Longer than you think." "I feel bad for Blanche." "She's been moping since she and Jake split." "Oh, don't expect me to feel sorry." "It's not often that somebody like Jake comes along, and she throws him away." "Oh, what's everybody doing up?" "We were saying how dumb you were to give up Jake." "I'm so upset about it I can't sleep." " Well, give him a call." " Oh, I can't." "He'd try to see me again." "That's out of the question." "I don't understand." "What's wrong with Jake?" "I think he's wonderful." "And you're miserable without him." "Well, that may be, but in some ways, in some very important ways, we're not compatible." "You mean he's not good enough?" " No, I don't." " Blanche!" "If we stayed together, our differences would turn us against each other." "I care too much to allow that." "You're lucky you have a choice." "My marriage was arranged." " You didn't pick Pop?" " He didn't pick me, either." "We learned to love each other, but it wasn't our idea." "There were eight unmarried girls and eight unmarried boys in the village." " How did they match them up?" " Height." "If I hadn't stood on that rock, I'd have ended up with Luigi the pig-boy." "If I got another chance at Mr Right," "I'd want somebody entirely different from Charlie." "But I thought you adored him." "I did." "I am." "We had a wonderful life together." "But I'd like somebody really wild." "Somebody impulsive, who'd sweep me off my feet." "He'd come in his convertible Porsche and whisk me to the airport." "We'd fly to his villa in France, where we'd blindfold the orchestra and dance until dawn." "Then we'd watch the sun come up over two steaming cups of cocoa." "Cocoa?" "With little marshmallows." "Marshmallows?" "Rose, you trollop." "Dorothy, what kind of guy would you like now?" "[sighs] Somebody to get old with." " You can do that by yourself." " I'm aware of that, Rose." "Stan didn't want to get old." "No, I'd like someone to sit on the porch with, hold hands, listen to the birds, watch the grass grow." " Blanche, what man do you want?" " I don't know." "You certainly do your share of comparison shopping." "Come on, Blanche." "What are you looking for?" "I don't know." "I just know it's not Jake." "But that won't discourage me from finding Mr Right." "And I won't compromise my standards, either." "I will look high and low, far and wide, and never lose heart, for I know one day my prince will come." "What was that supposed to mean?" "I wasn't paying close attention, but I gathered she's gonna sleep with that little black guy, Prince." "[jazz band]" "Rose, Rose, can I speak to you?" "Oh, sure, Dorothy." "Excuse me." "Rose, there is something very odd about that all-female jazz band." " What?" " They're all men." "I just thought they were really ugly women." " What do we do?" " Nothing." "They're great." "If we pretend nothing is wrong, maybe no-one will notice." "Hey, did you get a load of those queens on the bandstand?" " Keep your voice down." " Why?" "They know they're queens." " I think we're a success." " Congratulations, Blanche." "Much of the credit goes to the food - original yet familiar, piquant yet comforting." "Blanche tells me she worked very closely with the caterer." "Did she mention they were naked?" "You'll have to excuse my mother." "She was a witness to the Hindenburg disaster." "Jake did a wonderful job." "Where is he?" "Oh, probably out in the kitchen." "There he is, by the dessert table." "Oh, he looks great in his tux!" "Hunter, would you be a dear and er..." "get me another wine spritzer?" "Will you do me a favor?" "Keep Hunter occupied while I go after Jake." "What?" "You said you never wanted to see him again." "I made a mistake." "A terrible, terrible mistake." "What could I have been thinking?" "How could I let him go?" "What difference does it make how he dresses or eats?" "What matters is, he's the man I love." "Excuse me." "Erm..." "Where's Blanche going?" "Erm... she went to powder her nose." "At the dessert table?" "Er... well, the powder sticks better if you put a thin layer of caramel first." "Hunter, you look skeptical." "Well, hello." "I didn't see you standing there." "Really?" "I haven't been able to take my eyes off you." "You look great." "Jake, the reason I came over..." "I wanted to tell you I made a mistake." "Our differences don't really matter." "Blanche, I admire you." "You're a very special woman." "But you didn't make a mistake." "You were right." "Blanche, I'm happy." "I like myself." "I want to share my life with somebody who's as comfortable with me as I am with them." "I don't want to wonder if I'm using the wrong fork." "I know." "You said our differences don't matter." "But they did before, and they will again." "Blanche, knowing you has been one of the best things that's happened to me in my whole life." "Remember that." " Jake..." " Let me kiss you." "Goodbye." "Blanche, what happened?" "Well, Jake said he thinks we have too many differences, so we're not getting back together." "Oh, Blanche, I'm so sorry." "I don't understand how I let this thing happen." "I'm so confused." "[deep voice] Honey, you think you're confused?" "Take a look at our horn section." "Blanche, aren't you even going to try to sleep?" "[tearfully] I'm too upset." "Oh, let's face it." "I'm not 16 anymore." "There's no line of beaux on the front porch waiting to walk me to town." "No more cotillions, no more sorority parties." "I just lost the best thing that's happened to me since I met George." "I'm just a stupid old fool, sitting up all night with a broken heart." "Blanche Devereaux, I cannot believe what I am hearing." "You are the prettiest, most vibrant, most exciting woman I know." "Men still line up for you." "Really?" "Your dance card is going to be full for the rest of your life." "I don't know whether you meant that or not, Dorothy, but thank you." "[chuckles]" "Damn, I'm good."