"Alex Moran is the greatest human being who even lived." "Guys, guys, listen up!" "That team we just kicked the shit out of was ranked number one going into this game." "So what does that make us?" " Number one!" " Yes!" "You can put me down." "Now we all know who deserves the game ball." "In fact, he deserves seven game balls for those seven touchdowns he threw today" "Alex Moran!" "You broke the BMS record today, son, a record that was in the books for 30 years." "Do you wanna say anything to your teammates?" "Uh, let's party!" "All right, guys, great game." "Great game!" "Moran, I always thought you had little pussy balls, but today you showed me that inside that little pussy ball sack of yours are other balls-- bigger balls, balls that while still not as big as my balls," "are bigger than the pussy balls I thought you had." "I really don't know what to say to that." "How about "you're welcome"?" " You're welcome?" " Thank you." "Hasta la later," "John elway, you no-talent piece of garbage." "Alex Moran just shattered your shitty six TD record." "Alex Moran for life!" "Can you feel that?" "You better hold on." "This one's about to get bumpy." "♪ Give me a hell, give me a yeah ♪" "♪ hell yeah ♪" "♪ stand up right now ♪" "♪ give me a hell, give me a yeah ♪" "♪ stand up right now, right now ♪" "♪ give me a hell, give me a yeah ♪" "♪ stand up right now. ♪" " You're the man, Moran." " No, you're the man, Jimbo." "Thanks, buddy." " Means a lot to us." " Wow, Sam, you're really getting into this." "It's a big day for us." "We broke the school record." " We?" " Well, I don't know if you've noticed, but everything you experience, I experience too." "I'm like one of those parasites that live in the genital folds of a whale." "You eat some fish, I eat some fish." "You screw a dolphin, I screw a dolphin too, bro." "As inspiring as that is, Sammy, it was only one record." "I mean, people probably have forgotten about it by now." " Oh my God!" " Alex Moran, we're having a themed sleepover party at the Kappa Alpha Kappa house tonight and you're invited." "Oh, really?" "What's the theme?" "Alex Moran!" "See you there?" "Definitely." "We will definitely see you there." "Shall we say sex o'clock?" "Ugh, gross." "I don't know," "I might do him if the lights were dim and I got enough Merlot in me." "Parasite, bro." "Parasite." "How are you doing?" " Any big plans tonight, Marty?" " Nah." "Just going home to Debra-- hopefully get a BJ." "If she's in the mood." "You know, 15 years ago after a win like this, we'd be partying in the locker room until the sun came up." "Yeah." "Well, those days are behind me." "Are they?" "Come on, Marty." "Let's celebrate like we used to." " God knows we deserve it." " I don't know, Jon Jon." "Or you could just go home and hope for a BJ." "Screw it." "Gentlemen, call your wives and girlfriends and tell 'em you're gonna be home late." "We're gonna party like the old days." "Hey, how much Merlot do you think I should bring?" "Do you think there's gonna be Merlot there?" "You know what?" "Why risk it?" "Why risk it?" "I'm gonna bring a shit-ton." "Screw it." "Holy shit, Sammy." "Do you realize what today is?" " No." " It's the peak." "What are you talking about?" "Touchdown records, thousands of fans just screaming my name, a sorority party in my honor." "This is the best day of my life." " Right." " I mean, most people don't realize it until after it happens, but I'm getting to appreciate it" " as it's happening." "This is awesome!" " Hold on a second, if this is your peak, it's gotta be my peak too." "This calls for a toast!" "This is great." "To our peak." "To our peak!" "Mmm." "Shit, I'm gonna need more Merlot." "Merlot Merlot Merlot." "This is a lockdown." "Remain inside." "Shit, they've got the place surrounded, man." " Hey, what's going on?" " The cops are afraid there's gonna be another riot like the one after last year's big win." " What?" "!" " The whole place is on lockdown." "Oh, come on, it's an obvious scare tactic to keep us down." "You know who's really scared?" "Them." " Watch." " Um" "Sammy, I don't know, man." " Come on." "Hey, no!" "Come on, man." " I got this." " That's not a good idea." " Hey!" "Oh no." "I'm scared." "Please don't shoot me with your" "Oh-hh!" "Pizza's here!" "Whoo!" "Marty, I need to talk to you about something." "Yeah, let's get some pizza before those vultures eat it all." "I got a job offer." "It's a head coach job at the university of Okoboji." "No shit." "That's priceless." "You know what we should do?" "Let's prank 'em like we used to." "We'll tell 'em that you'll only take the job if they pay you in copper piping." "I'm thinking of taking it, Marty." "Well, good for you." "The strippers are here!" "Jesus." "This blows, man." "Does it blow?" "First of all, you have to ask yourself," " is "blowing" always a bad thing?" " Okay." "Like when a sloot is blowing me-- definitely not bad." "Am I right?" "Or when you're chewing bubblegum." " And you're blowing" " Jesus, Thad." "Okay!" " What's your point?" " My point is, everything we need to have a good time is right here." "I'll give you a hint." "It rhymes with "best bros."" "Mojitos!" "I'll go whip us up a batch!" "Sammy, we've gotta get to that sorority party." "What about the lockdown?" "I am not spending the best night of my life here at the goat house with a bunch of guys drinking mojitos, all right?" "We need to find a way out of here." "Let's go." "Come on." "Upsy-Daisy." "Come on." "Wow, that was way easier than I thought it was gonna be." "Freeze!" "Holy shit!" "Run!" "Go go!" "Ola, mi amigos." "Mojitos es en la casa." "Ha ha ha ha." " Donde esta is Alex?" " He left." "He went to a sorority party." "What?" "!" "You let him leave?" "!" "What if he gets hurt or arrested?" "!" "Then he gets hurt or arrested." "It's no big deal." " Drink, Harmon!" " It's no big deal?" "Alex played awesome today, which means I care about him now." "If something happens to him, our whole season's in jeopardy." " We have to save him." " I'm good." "If the beer is here, Harmon's here." "They've got riot guns and tasers." "You'd have to be an idiot to go out there." "Well, then change my name to idiot then, 'cause I'm an idiot!" "How did he get out?" "Went through the cellar, idiot." "I'm just trying to save my friend!" "He could be in trouble!" "You know, I broke a record once." "Nobody threw me a party." "Yeah, but people aren't as impressed with personal records, Sammy." "11 handjobs in one day-- that's a pretty big deal." "Yeah, but they were all from the same girl, Sammy." "It would've been 12 too, except her hand started cramping up." "Sweet mother of God, Sammy." "We're here." "It's beautiful." "Wait, Sammy, look." " The place is crawling with cops." " No problem." "On my cue, run to the back of the house." " Wait." "What?" "What are you" " Go!" "I love you, buddy." "Hey, pigs, come and get me!" "Whoo!" "Come and get me, pigs!" "He's going around the house." "Hi." "Whoa, shit." "I'm sorry." "No." "I couldn't go through the front door!" "He's here!" "Hi, ladies." "Hi." "Ha ha ha, yeah, this is definitely the peak." "Whoa." "Whoo, hey!" " Your eyes." " It doesn't matter." "Nothing matters except for getting Moran back." "I have to find a way out of this house." "I owe it to him." "He's pretty much my best friend." "I thought I was your best friend." "Oh yeah, try breaking a long-standing offensive record, Larry, then we'll talk." "I just can't help but think he is out there somewhere getting beaten with police flashlights, scared out of his mind, waiting for us to rescue him." "♪ Sex sex sex sexy, baby ♪" "♪ sex sex sex sexy, you're making me feel ♪" "♪ sex sex sex sexy, baby ♪" "♪ sex sex sex sexy ♪" "♪ you're making me feel, baby ♪" "♪ feel feel feel feel ♪" "♪ so ah ah ah ♪" "♪ ladies and gentlemen ♪" "♪ allow me to begin ♪" "♪ a little expression of what I'm feelin'... ♪" " Hey, Amber." " Mm-hmm." "I've got a record you could help me break." " What?" " 11 handjobs in one night." "Sure thing." "Holy shit, this is the greatest peak ever!" " Greatest what ever?" " Peak." "It's what Alex and I are celebrating tonight." "It's the best day of our lives." "Whoa, that's kind of depressing." "What do you mean?" "Well, because if this is your peak, then it's all downhill from here." "Nah, that doesn't mean that." "You can definitely go higher than the peak." "There's nothing higher than a peak, you jackass." "That's why you call it a peak." "It's the highest point." "It's my wife who really wants me to take the job." "She thinks it's time for me to go out on my own." "I said I understand, Jon Jon." "You're leaving." "Good luck to you." "Hey, Keith, whiskey me." " We're all out!" " Well, get some more!" "Where?" "All the liquor stores are closed." "I know a place." "And then I hang-glide off the goat house roof, over the police and land safely into the ditch next to the cold, shivering, frightened body of my best friend, Alex Moran." "All right, everybody grab as much as you can." "Oh, coach, what the hell are you doing, man?" " That's our beer!" " Hey, Jon Jon, do you wanna carry something or do you have to ask your wife first?" " What's that supposed to mean?" " That's all the beer we've got!" "I thought she was making the decisions for you now." "Hey, come on, man, leave us one case." "Or one of the girls." "Leave a girl!" " Hey man, that's not fair, Marty." " Not fair?" "I'll tell you what's not fair-- abandoning your team for some shit job at some shit program in some shit city." "For the love of God, why won't you guys look at us?" "We've been together for 20 years." "I can't believe you'd betray me like this." "Hey, thanks again, Tommy." "No problem, coach." "Great game today, huh?" " It's just business, Marty." " No, it's not!" "It's not just business!" "It's bullshit is what it is." "No." "No, you don't understand!" "I'm trying to find my friend Alex Moran!" "He's my friend!" " Okay, talk dirty to me." " Okay." "Tell me how you scored all those touchdowns today." " Well, I threw the ball." " Oh!" "Okay." " And then people caught the ball." " Oh, God!" "And then after college," " what pro team are you gonna be playing for." " Oh, uh," "I'm not gonna go pro." "I'm gonna be a gym teacher." "Really?" " You're kidding, right?" " No." "No, I'm going back to Wyoming." " Really?" " Yeah, work at my high school." "Ew." "Oh my God!" " I can't believe I'm screwing a gym teacher." " Future gym teacher." " What?" " Ugh, I can't believe I just gave nine handjobs to a gym teacher's best friend." "No, wait wait wait, please." "Please!" "I was three handjobs away from my record!" "Oh." "To our peak?" "What the hell is wrong with you?" "!" "What?" "Sammy!" "Sammy." "Sammy, hey!" "Sammy, what was that about?" "This peak bullshit." "I didn't know it was as high as you can go." "Yeah, that's what a peak is." "You knew and you didn't tell me?" "This was always the plan, Sammy-- have fun at college, then move back to Wyoming to become a gym teacher." "It doesn't have to be the peak if you don't want it to be." "Oh my God!" "Sammy, today was a fluke." "I played over my head today." "I'll never have a game that good again." "And I'm fine with that." "Now can we just enjoy this night while it lasts?" "No, I'm out." "Enjoy your peak." "Sammy!" "Sammy!" "Freeze!" "Don't move." "Sammy!" "Come on, Sammy!" "Sammy!" "This is great." "Hey." "What's going on, coach?" "We're having a coaches party to celebrate our win." "And it's a goddamn blast, isn't it, Marty?" "Have you guys seen my friend Sammy?" "Friend, huh?" "Yeah, friends want what's best for you and your family." "Friends know the difference between what is business and what is personal." " And" " Jesus." "Turn off that music." "Hey, I'm your kid's godfather." "You were the best man at my wedding." "Don't sit there and tell me this isn't personal." "This is football." "Everything we do is personal." "You guys seem like you're in the middle of something," " so I'm just gonna go" " Hey." "Hey, you brought me this kid, remember?" "See, I didn't know anything about him." " Some hick from Wyoming with a shitty attitude." " Hey." "But you told me he was special." "And I signed him because I trusted you." "And now two years later-- you know what?" "You were right." "What he did on that field today I've never seen before" " in all the years I've been coaching." " Thanks." "Now the newspapers, they're gonna say it was a fluke." "Well, screw them, because this kid's gonna take this team to new heights." "That's because you brought him here." "Coaches party!" "Whoo!" "BMS" "you said I don't care about what's best for your family." "That's bullshit, because this team is your family." "Hello, bill, this is coach Jon Jon over at Blue Mountain state." "Look, I've thought about your job offer and I've decided to accept it." "Yes, I'm aware it's 5:00 in the morning, but this is urgent." "I'm gonna need a little more money." "Look, I need three million a year for, let's say, five years, paid all in copper piping." "Tell 'em you want a speedboat." "And I want a speedboat." "So tell me what you think and get back to me." "Bye now." "Hey, this next lap dance is on me." "Hi, boys." "Yeah." "Can I get a sip of that?" "I don't drink with gym teachers." "Look, Sammy, I'm sorry, okay?" "I never thought of myself as capable of great things." "I don't know." "Maybe you and coach are right." "Maybe this isn't my peak." "Maybe this is the beginning of something much bigger." "I was bluffing anyway." "I'd drink with you whether you're an NFL superstar or a gym teacher." "I don't really have a choice." "I'm your parasite." "Thanks, man." "You don't care about our starting quarterback, fine." "But think about this:" "Moran was going to a party-- a party with beer and girls." "If we can get out of this house and find them, maybe the party's still going on and maybe the girls are really drunk and easy." "Now I'm not gonna lie." "Not all of you are gonna make it." "Some will be pepper-sprayed." "Some will be tased or shot with rubber bullets, but the ones that do make it-- those lucky few-- will get more drunk, more high, will have more sex than they've had in their entire lives!" "Now who's with me?" "!" "Let's get 'em!" "Let's go!" "Let's go!" "Let's go!" "Let's go!" "Everybody out!" "Go back." "Go back." "Moran?" "!" "♪ Hey!" "♪" "So do you wanna get out of here?" " Let's-- let's go." " Let's do it." "I found him!"