"We are doing an E.V.A. of the payload." "We are aboutto present the module with" "Whatthe" "Oh, my gentle Jesus." "Houston...we have a problem." "Launch procedure commence." "Oh, God!" "And I'm spent." "Do you smoke after sex?" "I don't know, baby." "I never looked." "Oh,Austin!" "What shall we do now?" "Well, I've got an idea." "Why don'twe shag?" "Again?" "Sure, baby." "We're only upto chapter eleven in the "Kama Sutra."" "Don'tyou wantto try the wheelbarrow... orthe praying donkey... orthe Chinese shag swing?" "I'm going to get us some more champagne,jungle boy." "I'm going to get us some more champagne,jungle boy." "Are you OK?" "I've neverfelt better,Austin." "All right,then." "I'm just gonna go watch a movie." ""ln Like Flint." That's myfavorite movie." "Vanessa." "What's going on?" "I don't know whatyou mean, Austin." "I'm the same Vane" "You must be" "Tu imaginacion esta jugando con ti, querido." "Oh, my God!" "You're afembot!" "No shit, Sherlock!" "Machine gun jubblies?" "How did I miss those, baby?" "Perhaps nexttime you should tryforeplay." "Right." "Oh, my God!" "Here's yourwedding present, Mr. Powers." "A kamikaze bridefrom me" "Dr. Evil." "Oh,thank God." "I can't believe Vanessa... my bride... my one true love... the woman who taught me the beauty of monogamy... was afembot all along." "Wait a tick." "That means I'm single again!" "Oh, behave!" "Yeah!" "Yeah, baby,yeah!" "Halt!" "Yeah, baby,yeah!" "Look!" "How are you?" "Good to see you." "What's that?" "Yes." "Yeah,that." "Good one, man." "What's goin' on here?" "Good to see you guys." "Good to see you." "Rabbis, how are you?" "Nice meat." "Photo op." "L'chaim!" "Yeah, baby." "Keep a close eye on that Kreplachistan situation." "Yes, sir." "Jerry!" "Jerry!" "Thankyou." "Thankyou very much." "If you justjoined us, today's topic is..." ""Myfather is evil, and he wants to take overthe world."" "OK, let's meet Scott Evil." "Hi, Scott." "Nice to have you with us." "Tell us aboutyourfather." "My dad is the head of a worldwide evil organization... with aspirations of world domination." "Pretty serious stuff." "Where is he now?" "He's, like, cryogenicallyfrozen... orbiting the earth or something." "That's whatyou think." "We have a surpriseforyou." "Let's bring out Scott'sfather Dr. Evil!" "What?" "General, we've got a situation here." "What is it, Sergeant?" "Hello, Scott." "Daddy's back." "How could you do this to me, on national television?" "Well,throw me africkin' bone here, Scott." "Why'd you run out on me?" "Because you're not quite evil enough." "Well, it's true." "You're quasi-evil." "You're semi-evil." "You're the margarine of evil." "You're the Diet Coke of evil." "Just one calorie." "Not evil enough." "What are you, some kind offreak?" "Shut up,you" "OK, come on." "I'll kickyour...punk." "Bring it on, skanky" "All right, come on." "No one talks to my son like that. lt's OK, Scott." "You mother" "You were born in your mother's-- l'm OK." "All right." "You were born in your mother's-- l'll kill you both!" "There you go!" "Great!" "I gotyour hood!" "Settle down." "It's OK." "It's only a television show." "Calm down." "I'm all right. I'm easy." "Everything OK?" "OK." "Getthis jerk out of here." "I'll give you--piece of" "He's biting me!" "The...is biting me!" "The world is mine,you" "You've got mail." "Hello, Basil." "Hello,Austin." "How was your honeymoon?" "ltturns out thatVanessa was afembot." "Yes." "We knew all along, sadly." "Anyway, I have a new assignmentforyou." "You're scheduledfor a photo shoot... and one of the models worksfor Dr. Evil." "Groovy, baby!" "Shaguar, ho!" "Show me to the models, baby." "Letthe magic begin." "Who have we gottoday?" "OK, great." "Austin Powers, I've heard a lot aboutyou." "I'm Rebecca Romijn." "I don't believe I've had the pleasure." "Well, of course you haven't had... the pleasure, Rebecca." "We just met, baby." "Yeah." "Who are you, baby?" "Ivana." "Ivana Humpalot." "Excuse me?" "And I vanna toilet made out of solid gold... but it's just not in the cards, is it?" "You know..." "OK, everyone, let's get started." "Yes, beautiful." "Feeling it!" "Let's get some smiles." "It's all in here." "That's it." "Yes!" "Let's letthe inside out." "OK,you're an animal!" "Yes,there we go." "You're a tiger!" "You're Tony the Tiger!" "You're grrreat!" "Very good." "Loving it." "Now you're a lemur." "Running as a pack." "We go left." "We go right." "There's a predator out of the jungle." "What's going on?" "Burrow!" "That's right,you're a lemur." "That's all you've got." "You don't have sharpteeth capable of biting." "Make an interconnected series of tunnels like the Viet Cong." "And look." "I'm not even shooting you." "It's crazy." "And I'm spent." "Right,that's a wrap, everyone." "Miss Humpalot." "Da, darling?" "Shall we?" "Give me moment, hmm?" "Dr. Evil, several years ago... we invested in a small Seattle-based coffee company." "Today Starbucks offers premium quality coffee... at affordable prices." "De-lish!" "If we shift our resources... awayfrom evil empires and towards Starbucks... we can increase our profitsfive-fold." "NumberTwo, I make the decisions here, OK?" "I demand a little respect." "Dr. Evil, you have a little of the..." "Silence!" "I will nottolerate your insolence!" "Frau Farbissina, wie geht es ihnen?" "Sehr gut, Herr Doktor." "How are things?" "I have come to embrace the love that dare not speak its name." "To my right is my lover." "We met atthe LPGA Tour." "Her name is Unibrau." "Right on." "Welcome, Unibrau." "What?" "A little milk...nose...mustache." "I know." "Meantto." "That's how we drink it in Belgium." "Called a Belgian dip." "While you werefrozen... we began a program to clone you." "Cool." "Send in the clone!" "He is exactly like you in every way." "Except one eighth your size." "Breathtaking." "I shall call him..." "Mini-Me." "Your stock is rising, NumberTwo." "Come, Mr. Bigglesworth." "Mini-Me, are you hungry?" "Something to eat?" "Not even a Hot Pocket?" "An Eggo?" "No,we don't gnaw on our kitty." "Leave Mini-Mr." "Bigglesworth alone." "Just love him and stroke him." "As you know... every diabolical scheme that I have hatched... has been thwarted by Austin Powers." "And why is that, ladies and gentlemen?" "'Cause you never kill him when you getthe chance to... and you're a big dope." "Down, Mini-Me." "Austin Powers always defeats me because he has mojo." "Mojo?" "The libido." "The lifeforce." "The essence." "The right stuff." "Whatthe French call a certain... I don't know what." "Ladies and gentlemen... I've developed a device fortraveling through time... which I call a "time machine."" "Using this "time machine..."" "I'm going backto the Sixties and steal Austin Powers' mojo." "If you have a time machine... why notjust go back and kill Austin Powers... when he's sitting on the crapper or something?" "How about no, Scott?" "OK?" "Why not use your knowledge of thefuture... to play the stock market?" "We could make trillions." "Why make trillions when we could make... billions?" "A trillion is more than a billion, numnuts." "All right, zip it." "You can't even" "Zip it." "Zi-i-i-p." "Look, all I'm" "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, ex-zip-it "A."" "NumberTwo, would you please back me up?" "Look, I'm Zippi Longstocking." "l can't" "When a problem comes along" "You must zip it" "Zip it good." "Frau,would you please" "Subtitle: "Zip it."" "l'm justtrying to" "Zip." "Would you like to have a suckle of my zipple?" "l wantyou--Stop" "Zip." "Listen--All--You know" "You're like a child" "Talk in--If you-- Just--One time" "Zip it." "Unveil the time portal." "As you know..." "Austin Powers wasfrozen in 1967." "Therefore, I will travel to 1969... two years after he wasfrozen." "He'll be helpless." "Ladies and gentlemen... I'm aboutto travel through time." "I bid you adieu." "I'm OK." "Notturned on, I suppose." "Do you thinkyou could..." "Yeah,thanks." "Come, Mini-Me!" "Don't be scared, Mini-Me." "Welcome to 1969." "Thankyou, NumberTwo." "You look so healthy and youthful." "Well,thankyou." "Herr Doktor." "And Frau,you look so..." "Right." "I received your memo from thefuture." "Your new lair is up and running." "is it a hollowed-outvolcano like I askedfor?" "Of course." "Good." "Then it's all going perfectly to plan." "Yeah, baby,yeah!" "When did you getthe Clapper?" "November 1964." "Dutch East Indies." "Shore leave." "Do you know how we keepwarm in Russia?" "I can guess, baby." "We play chess." "I guessed wrong." "Ittakes a keen intellect to play chess." "I assume you know how to play." "Of course, baby." "Whatto do,whatto do." "Let me askyou a question." "And be honest." "Do I make you horny, baby?" "Do I?" "Do I make you randy?" "No more games." "Dr. Evil sent me here to kill you... but lfind you so... sexy and..." "Just make love to me." "Now,Austin Powerovich." "Hurry!" "You're hairy like animal!" "Grr, baby!" "Very grr!" "Make love to me, monkey man." "Dr. Evil, I don't understand... how we can hope to steal Austin Powers' mojo." "We've tried this before." "The security around Powers isfoolproof." "Butthis time we have an operative... inside the Ministry of Defense." "Really?" "Yes, really." "He's stealing Austin Powers' mojo even as we speak." "Really?" "He's a disgruntled Scottish guard... knownfor his lethal temper and his unusual eating habits." "He weighs a metric ton." "His name..." "Fat Bastard." "We've had reports there's a spy in the Ministry of Defense." "The contents of this room are vital to the country." "Be on special alert." "Yes, sir." "And try to lose some weight, for God's sake." "Mr. English colonel telling' me to lose weight." "I'm a hard case, he says." "Well, listen up, sonny Jim... I ate a baby!" "Oh, aye, baby." "The other otherwhite meat." "Baby:" "It's what'sfor dinner." "I've gotyour mojo now, sonny Jim." "What's wrong?" "Crikey!" "I've lost my mojo." "Austin, the test results confirm... thatyou've lostyour mojo... and it couldn't come at a worse time." "We have evidence that Dr. Evil has developed a time machine... and has traveled back to the year 1969." "Luckily,we,too... have developed a time travel device... to transportyou backto the Sixties." "This is where you inputyour destination." "Wait a tick." "Basil, if I travel backto 1969 and I wasfrozen in 1967... presumably, I could go visit myfrozen self." "But if I'm stillfrozen in 1967... how could I have been unthawed... in the Nineties and traveled back" "Oh, no, I've gone cross-eyed." "I suggestyou don'tworry aboutthis sort of thing... and just enjoy yourself." "That goesforyou all,too." "This is smashing, Basil." "I go backto the Sixties, recharge my mojo... defeat Dr. Evil, and be back in timefortea." "Swinging Sixties, here I come, baby,yeah!" "Move!" "Move!" "Sorry." "I betthat's expensive." "Sorry." "Easy!" "Stop it now,Austin!" "Here we go." "Yeah, baby,yeah!" "Godspeed,Austin Powers." "I'm home!" "I'm back in the Sixties, baby,yeah!" "Getyour hands off my Heine, baby." "Who are you today, baby?" "My name is Robin Swallows." "Swallows." "That's an interesting name." "Maiden name's Spitz." "Which is it, baby, Spitz or Swallows?" "Those are skintight." "How do you get into those pants, baby?" "You can start by buying me a drink." "I want!" "I want!" "Better play it cool." "Yourfriend worksfor Dr. Evil." "And justwho do you workfor, baby?" "Tell me, Mr. Powers... do you swing?" "Are you kidding, baby?" "I putthe "Grr!" in "swinger," baby!" "Then why don'tyou come right... over here." "I can do that." "Prepare to die, Powers!" "Use the machine gun!" "Say good-bye, Powers!" "Use the bazooka!" "Thefall will kill us both, Powers!" "You can'twin, Powers." "Why won'tyou die?" "Carefor a ride?" "Go!" "Austin Powers, I presume." "Powers by name, Powers by reputation." "Felicity Shagwell, cia." "Shagwell by name... shag-very-well by reputation." "Oh, behave!" "Not if I can help it." "You know what's remarkable is how much England... looks in no way like Southern California." "Crikey!" "We've got company!" "Looks like one of Dr. Evil's assassins." "Steady now." "Hands up!" "Do you remember me, Austin Powers?" "I don't recall your name butyour... fez isfamiliar." "My name is Mustafa." "And I'm the man who will be killing you now." "Daktari!" "Who sentyou?" "You'll have to kill me." "Who sentyou?" "Kiss my ass, Powers." "Who sentyou?" "Dr. Evil." "Thatwas easy." "Thatwas." "Why did you tell us?" "I can't stand to be asked the same question three times." "Itjust irritates me." "Where is Dr. Evil hiding?" "Why would he tell me?" "I'm just one of his low-levelfunctionaries." "Where is Dr. Evil hiding?" "You'll have to torture me." "I'll nevertell you." "Where is Dr. Evil hiding?" "Damn!" "Three times." "He's hiding in the secretvolcano lair." "Where's Dr. Evil's secretvolcano lair?" "I spit atthe question." "Do I really have to askyou two more times?" "Go to hell, Powers!" "Fine." "Where is Dr. Evil's secretvolcano lair?" "I will take it to the grave with me." "You have to answer." "He asked you three times." "The second question was..." ""Do I really have to askyou two more times?"" "Thatwould be thefirst question in a new line of questioning... and wouldn't count in the other line of questioning." "He's right." "However, I'm justtrying to get informationfrom you, man." "I don't need any consistency in the questions, do I?" "No." "You're preaching to the converted" "If I'm preaching to the converted... then why are you being so slavish... to the three-questionform?" "You're not even looking at me, man." "Now you're just being rude, you know what I mean?" "You're not listening, man." "Oh, crikey!" "Well,Austin, I thinkthis time you havefinally metyour match." "Oh, no, baby." "I've beaten Dr. Evil before, and I'll beat him again." "I was talking about me." "Hello upthere!" "I seem to havefallen down a cliff." "I'm still alive, but I'm very badly injured." "I think my legs are broken." "I'll try to stand." "Yes,they are broken." "Perhaps you could toss me a band-aid... or some antibacterial cream." "I'm in an extraordinarily large amount of pain." "The bone has gone through the skin." "lfear it might be gangrenous." "The wound is beginning to smell a little like almonds... which is not good." "Please?" "No one?" "Sorry." "I'll try the other leg." "Two of my assassins are dead." "I will nottoleratefailure." "I'm the man who will maintain the dignity... of this evil organization." "Whatthe hell was that?" "Volcanic eruption!" "May I presentto you my spy in the Ministry of Defense..." "Fat Bastard." "Firstthingsfirst!" "Where's your shitter?" "I've got a turtle head poking out." "Charming." "I'm not kidding." "I got a crap on deck that could choke a donkey." "It's squidgey!" "Christ, I'm getting all emotionalfrom it,you know?" "Right." "Fat Bastard, could I have my mojo, please?" "Where's my money?" "All right, give him his money." "Jesus Christ, he's tiny!" "I've had bigger chunks of corn in my crap." "Wait a minute." "He kinda looks like a baby." "Come here!" "I'm gonna eatyou!" "I'm biggerthan you." "I'm higher on thefood chain." "Get in my belly!" "Come on!" "You're lucky,wee man!" "Can I have a hug?" "Let me make you a deal, all right?" "You getthe mojo, you keepyour money... and I'll getyour baby." "Right." "I want my baby back, baby back" "Baby back, baby back, baby back ribs I want my baby back, baby back" "Baby back, baby back, baby back ribs" "Excuse me." "Chili" "Baby back ribs" "Dr. Evil,what are we going to do about Powers?" "Austin Powers is no longer a threatto me." "I have his mojo." "All right, everyone, you're dismissed." "Private time." "Dr. Evil, I don'twantthis to interfere with ourwork." "Don'tworry, mama." "Things won't getweird." "Onefor me... and onefor my homies." "Herr Doktor." "So what happened here?" "Apparently a rogue agent named Fat Bastard... infiltrated the unit... assigned to guard your cryogenic chamber." "He used some sort of nerve gas." "These men don't remember a thing." "Captain,why don'tyou... cross-check Fat Bastard's profile... with the mainframe at Langley?" "Yes, ma'am." "Can I borrow that, please?" "Thankyou." "Look at me." "I'm a sexy bitch, baby." "Yeah!" "You're a Popsicle,yes." "And I'm spent." "Let's go, baby,yeah!" "Hey there." "How are you?" "Come on, Felicity." "Yeah, babe." "Shall we sit down?" "This is great." "Groovy!" "So,Austin, what's thefuture like?" "Well, everyone has aflying car... entire meals come in pillform... and the Earth is ruled by damned dirty apes!" "Oh, my God!" "Had youfor a second." "You can have mefor even longer, if you want." "You're one groovy baby... baby." "Too many "babies."" "Don'tyou dare move." "Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Burt Bacharach... and Mr. Elvis Costello." "What do you get when youfall in love?" "A guy with a pin to burstyour bubble" "Would you care to dance?" "I'd love to." "For all yourtrouble I'll" "Neverfall in love again I'll neverfall in love again" "Don'ttell me what it's all about" "'Cause I've been there and I'm glad I'm out" "Out of the those chains, those chains that bind you" "That is why I'm here to remind you" "What do you get when youfall in love?" "You only get lies and pain and sorrow" "Sofor at least until tomorrow I'll" "Neverfall in love again I'll" "Neverfall in love" "Again" "You're quite good on yourfeet." "I'm even better off myfeet." "Oh, behave, baby." "Hi." "Hi there." "How are things?" "Good, Herr Doktor." "And you?" "Great." "Justtaking a break?" "Try the Hot Pockets." "They're breathtaking." "It gotweird, didn't it?" "Ja." "l knew it." "You haven't called." "We talked aboutthis." "We promised each other itwouldn't getweird." "I can't let myfeelings foryou interfere... with my taking overthe world, you know that." "You know, I will never love another man." "Yes,that's true." "Dr. Evil, I'm late." "No,you got here right on time." "No, I mean "l'm late."" "Dad." "Hey there, sport." "What are you doing here?" "I was justthinking that maybe we could work all this out." "After all,you are myfather." "Scott,you had your chance, OK?" "I already had someone created in my image." "He's evil, he wants to take overthe world... and hefits easily into most overhead storage bins." "Him?" "Look at him, he's crazy." "He's like a vicious little Chihuahua thing." "He'll kill me thefirst chance he gets." "Probably." "I love you." "I am a sexy bitch." "Yes." "Felicity, make yourself at home, baby." "What do you think of my shag pad, darling?" "It's amazing,Austin." "Wait a tick." "That's how my mojo was stolen." "Fat Bastard." "She's a professional agent." "She's not interested in shagging!" "Please, God." "Spectacles,testicles, wallet, and watch." "Austin, I'm waiting." "How about one of yourworld-famous massages?" "You mean a sensual massage?" "Right,then." "OK, here we go." "Yes." "Wait a minute, something's itching me." "That's better." "Crikey." "How does thatfeel, baby?" "Lower." "How does thatfeel, baby?" "What?" "You don't have to be cute with me." "We're way pastthat." "We are?" "What do you think?" "Listen, Felicity... I'm sorry." "I can't do this." "I have to go." "is it me?" "I can't explain." "Hello,Agent Shagwell." "Where's Austin?" "I must've said something wrong, so he just left all of a sudden." "Listen, I don'twantyou getting too close to Austin." "It's not meantto be." "I don't gettoo close to anybody, Basil." "My interest in this case is purely professional." "Good." "Then you won't mind tracking down Fat Bastard tonight." "No problem." "We need you to plant this homing device on him... by any means necessary." "No problem." "Keep upthe good work." "Remember, by any means necessary." "Look atyourseIf." "You used to be so virile." "You were a swinger, man." "And now you're nothing." "But at least it can't get any worse." "Well, surprise, surprise, huh!" "Look atthat meal." "I'm dead sexy." "Look at my sexy body." "Oh, look, I'm like a singer." "Oh, sexy man, sexy man" "Eating like a sexy man can" "By the way, would you like some chicken?" "I've got more." "No,thanks." "What have we got here?" "Done with that." "All right,that's done." "Remember, by any means necessary." "Frisky, are we?" "Give it up!" "Ladies and gentlemen... we're aboutto begin phase two of our evil project... or is it phase-- l don't know phases." "Anyways,this is the phase... in which we put a giant "laser" on the moon." "As you know,the moon rotates around the Earth, like so." "When the moon reaches... its appropriate lunar alignment... itwill destroy Washington D.C." "You see, I've turned the moon... into what I like to call a "Death Star."" "What?" "Nothing, Darth." "What did you call me?" "Nothing." "Rip-off!" "Bless you." "Anyways,the key to this plan is the giant laser." "Itwas invented by the noted Cambridge physicist Dr. Parsons." "Therefore,we shall call it the Alan Parsons Project." "Oh, my God." "What now?" "The Alan Parsons Project is a progressive rock band in 1982." "Why don'tyou just call it "Operation Wang Chung," ass?" "What should we-- l'm sure "Operation Bananarama" will be huge." "What are you saying?" "If you wanted" "Shh!" "Trying to be hip" "You're so" "Shh!" "If we could put aside thefamily squabbling... I thinkwe could get down to some serious business here." "Really?" "Yeah." "I don't like that insolenttone." "l meant nothing by it." "You wantto run things?" "No, not at all." "You wantto be Daddy, is that it?" "NumberTwo,you wantto wear the Daddy pants?" "You gonna cry?" "You gonna cry?" "What are you doing?" "Are you gonna squirt some?" "You gonna cry?" "See,you were gonna cry." "You're a big man now, huh?" "Yeah,thought so." "Aboutwhat happened last night" "You don't have to explain." "You don't understand." "You see... I've lost my mojo." "Oh, so that's why you" "I thoughtyou didn't like me." "Oh, no, baby." "You're very shagadelic." "I just didn'twant tofall in love again... and I thoughtyou'd never love me without my mojo." "It's notyou." "You'refab, switched on, a bit of all right." "Yes!" "That is so great." "There's something I should tell you,too." "Last night, I planted a homing device on Fat Bastard." "Smashing, baby." "Then we can track down Fat Bastard... get my mojo, go backto my place... hop on the goodfoot and do the bad thing." "Yes!" "Butthere's more." "In orderto get close to Fat Bastard, I had to" "Hello, hello." "The signal's coming through." "He's at Paddington Station." "Let's go!" "We're close, baby." "This way." "Straight--no, no, left." "Through here." "We've got him." "Private, bring upthe ram." "Go, go, go!" "Where is he?" "Oh, my God!" "Fat Bastard left afloater!" "In the name of all things sacred... that is the most foul-smelling thing ever!" "Somebodyflush it down!" "No, nobody touch anything." "We have to getthe sample to the labto be analyzed." "I'm gonna give." "Austin,there you are." "Has the sample been analyzed?" "Cor, baby." "You lookvery shagadelic!" "But do we really have to be here, Felicity?" "I mean, it's so boring." "I don't believe in science." "When it comes to the spy game, to me, it's all instinct." "Hello, everybody." "Hello, Basil." "The results are in." "We've discovered trace elements of a rare vegetable... found only on one island, here, in the Caribbean." "What does it all mean, Basil?" "It means thatthis is the location of Dr. Evil's lair." "Smashing, Basil." "Cor!" "This coffee smells like shit." "It is shit,Austin." "Oh, good,then it's notjust me." "It's a bit nutty." "Excuse me, Dr. Evil." "I have to speakto you aboutthis Mini-Me." "He's notfitting in?" "is he giving off too much of a creepy Oompa Loompa vibe?" "No, it's justthat he bites." "He's a biter." "What's wrong, Mini-Me?" "Something you wantto tell us?" "Teething." "Get me the president of the United States of America!" "Oh, he's on." "What do you want, Dr. Evil?" "Mr. President, in twelve hours... I will destroy Washington D.C. with this giant "laser."" "Whatthe--?" "Mini-Me, stop humping the laser." "OK, honestto God... why don'tyou and the giant laser get africkin' room?" "Mr. President, after I destroy Washington D.C... I will destroy another major city every hour on the hour." "That is, unless, of course, you pay me... one hundred billion dollars." "Dr. Evil,this is 1969." "That amount of money doesn't even exist." "That's like saying, "l want a kajillion bajillion dollars."" "Come on, Mr. President, show me the money." "Show you what money?" "Show me the money, show me the money." "You had me at hello." "Tear." "Nothing?" "No?" "Psst!" "It's 1969." ""Jerry Maguire" won't come out for anotherthirty years." "Nobody knows what you're talking about, ass." "Scott, Daddy's working, OK?" "And when you're in the main chamber... try and use the big boy voice, OK?" "Thankyou." "Mr. President, allow me to demonstrate... the awesome lethality of the Alan Parsons Project." "Fire the laser!" "Damage report!" "Damage report!" "It's OK." "It's all right." "Come on." "Actually,thatwasfootage from "lndependence Day..."" "butthe real laser would be a lot like that." "Yeah, scary." "Now, Dr. Evil" "Talkto the hand, 'cause theface don'twantto hear it." "What hand?" "Talkto your hand?" "You ain't all that and a bag of potato chips." "What are you talking about?" "Don't go there, girlfriend." "Whose girlfriend?" "Don't mess with me, I'm one crazy mo-fo." "I had to pop a cop... 'cause he wasn't giving me my props in Oaktown." "No?" "I heard that somewhere." "You're an idiot." "Mr. President, I think we have an understanding." "Dr. Evil,what are our plans regarding Austin Powers?" "Austin Powers?" "He's the snake to my mongoose." "Orthe mongoose to my snake." "Eitherway, it's bad." "I don't know animals." "But I do know this" "This time it's personal." "Kill him." "There's Dr. Evil's island." "Let's set up camp." "Be careful with that bag!" "There's explosives in it." "This could be dangerous." "What if God was one of us?" "Just a slob like one of us" "Well done,very good." "Dr. Evil,thatwasfantastic." "Thankyou, NumberTwo." "I wrote that,yeah." "Dad, he putthis in my bed." "Who?" "Your stupid mini-you." "He put road kill in my sheets!" "What--Mini-Me, don'tyou ever do that again." "You hear me, don'tyou ever do that again!" "I can't stay mad atyou." "Look atthat punum." "Dr. Evil's headquarters is right overthat next ridge." "Let me look." "Damn it." "How do we get in?" "Hello, Mummy." "Can I have some chocolates?" "I want some Mars Bars." "Don't smack my bottom, Mummy." "Sorry, love." "I got stuck in your dirty pillows." "Let's look atthe map." "Austin,what's our plan?" "According to this map... the entire island is crawling with Dr. Evil's guards." "I wantto make sure the explosives didn't getwet... but I can'tfind them." "Look in the bottom." "OK, I'll dig a little deeper." "Wow,this bag is reallyfull." "Just keep digging, darling." "I'll justfeel aroundforthem." "Good lord,Austin." "What do you keep in here?" "Anything that catches myfancy,you know." "Give it a good tug." "Do we really need this?" "I'll askyou notto open that inside,thankyou very much." "Oh, my God." "Oops, itwent off." "Yes, it does that from time to time." "Eww." "Yuck." "Yeah,that's nasty." "Yeah, sorry aboutthat." "Smelly." "These people make me sick." "Can you snap me a beer?" "What is it?" "It's a gerbil." "How did that get in your bag?" "I don't know." "Dr. Evil,we have a problem." "Austin Powers is on the island." "Bring him to me...alive." "You." "Hit it!" "This is a very sensitive subject." "Justthe two of us" "Justthe two of us" "From the moment I heard Frau say I had a clone I knew that I'd be safe 'cause I'd never be alone" "An evil doctor shouldn't speak aloud about hisfeelings" "My hurt and my pain don't make me too appealin' I'd hoped Scott would look upto me" "Run the business of thefamily" "Head an evil empire just like his dear old dad" "Give him my love and the things I never had" "Scottwould think I was a cool guy" "Return the love I have, make me wantto cry" "Be evil, but have myfeelings,too" "Change my life with Oprah and Maya Angelou" "But Scott rejected me, c'est la vie" "Life is cruel, treats you unfairly" "Even so, a God there must be" "Mini-Me,you complete me" "Justthe two of us" "We can make it if we try" "Justthe two of us" "Justthe two of us" "Justthe two of us" "Building castles in the sky" "Justthe two of us" "You and I" "You've gotthis packed really tight." "Are you OK?" "Yeah, I just got a bit of a back cramp,that's all." "Just keep packing it in." "God." "Ifound the explosives." "Help me checkthem." "You're surrounded!" "Dropyourweapons!" "Hands up!" "Move out!" "Ladies and gentlemen, in just afew moments... we're going to place a giant "laser" on the moon." "From my "Death Star..."" "I will destroy every city on the planet." "Get off of me." "Ah, Mr. Powers, Ms. Shagwell... welcome to my hollowed-outvolcano." "This is my associate Fat Bastard." "Felicity, I thinkyou two may have already "met."" "Unfortunately." "is that all the thanks I get forthe night of hot sex?" "I'm dead sexy." "You were crap!" "In your dreams." "Felicity would never sleepwith you." "Right?" "I did what I had to do." "I'm a secret agent." "What?" "All right,that's enough, Fat Bastard." "As much as I like seeing Powers in agony-- and I do-- the thought of you naked is just gross." "You can't stop me now, Mr. Powers." "I have your mojo... and I'm taking itwith me to the moon." "Putthem in a jail cell." "My mojo!" "I'll getyou, Dr. Evil!" "Look at me, I'm shaking in my little space boots." "I want my mojo!" "Great plan, Einstein." "You're gonna put him in a cell with one inept guard... and they'll escape!" "God,you do this every time!" "You know, Scott... I've been africkin' evil doctor forthirtyfrickin' years, OK?" "Cut me somefrickin' slack." "Youforget, Scott, we're in a volcano." "We're surrounded by liquid hot magma." "What are you drawing?" "It's just a good-bye card, that's all." "It's sweet." "Hey, get him." "Getthe baby!" "Back off." "Simmer down." "Simmer down." "He's my posse." "You take special care of him." "He's my special boy." "Attention, preparefor launch." "Repeat, all technicians to launch position." "Gentlemen, I'm aboutto go to the moon." "lnitiate prelaunch sequence." "Main rocket engines, ignition." "Frau... begin the countdown." "Five...four... three...two" "Frau!" "Begin the countdown atthirty." "Thirty!" "twenty-nine...twenty-eight... twenty-seven... twenty-six...twenty-five... twenty-four...twenty-three... twenty-two...twenty-one... twenty...nineteen... eighteen.... seventeen...sixteen... fifteen...fourteen...thirteen" "You know what?" "When the doors close... just say "go." Better." "Go!" "Colonel,you better take a look atthis radar." "What is it, son?" "I don't know, sir." "But it looks like a giant" "Dick!" "Yeah?" "Take a look out of starboard." "Oh, my God, it looks like a huge" "Pecker!" "Oh,where?" "Wait,that's not a woodpecker." "It looks like someone's" "Privates!" "We have reports of an unidentifiedflying object." "It is a long, smooth shaft, complete with" "Two balls!" "What is that?" "That looks just like an enormous" "Wang!" "Pay attention." "I was distracted by that enormousflying" "Willie..." "Yeah?" "What's that?" "Well, it looks like a giant" "Johnson?" "!" "Yes, sir." "Call British intelligence and letthem know aboutthis." "What do we do?" "Why don'tyou just shag Fat Bastard again?" "This is no time to getjealous." "How could you do it?" "I was just doing my job." "No, I mean literally, how could you do it?" "The man's sofat... the sheer mechanics of it are mind-boggling." "Don't lay your hang-ups on me, just 'cause you lostyour mojo." "Ouch, baby." "Very ouch." "Look,Austin, we're running out of time." "I'm sorry." "I just did what I thoughtyou would do in the same situation." "You're the reason that I became a spy." "I thought I wanted to be you, butthen I realized that... I wantto be with you." "You do?" "Hang on, baby." "Alleyoop!" "We should talk aboutthis later." "Firstwe need to get past that one inept guard." "Right, here's the plan." "What if I pretend to be ill withfood poisoning?" "The guard, drawn by my cries of pain, comes to investigate." "Meanwhile,you dig a pit... line itwith makeshift punji sticks... madefrom sharpened toothbrushes." "The guardfalls in, Bob's your uncle,we escape." "What do you think?" "That mightwork, butwhat aboutthis?" "What do you think of these?" "Mommy." "What a...burn?" "That sort of thing could get a man...fired." "I think he was... hot...for...you." "That's enough." "Yeah." "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my moon base." "You've all been chosen to be part of my elite moon unit." "Which is divided into two divisions..." "Moon UnitAlpha... and Moon Unit Zappa." "In exactly six hours... the moon will move in its orbit around the earth... bringing Washington D.C. within range of my giant..." ""laser."" "Begin "laser..."" "ignition sequence." "Begin laser ignition!" "Attention, Moon Unit Zappa tofiring stations." "Initiation sequence in progress." "OK, all right." "All I askedforwas africkin' rotating chair, OK?" "Getting a little afraid." "I need an old priest and a young priest." "The power of Christ compels you." "The power of Christ compels you." "Sick as a dog now." "Gonna vomit." "We need to hitch a ride to the moon, baby." "Apollo Eleven is good to go." "Crew to all stations." "We will have liftoff in T minusfive seconds... four...three...two." "We have liftoff." "Apollo Eleven has cleared the tower... and is heading for a rendezvous with the moon." "Arm the "laser."" "Arming the laser!" "Attention, arming the Death Star." "Battle stations." "Laser on!" "All crew at battle stations." "Get me the president." "You're gonna like this part, Mini-Me." "This is the partwhere we threaten the world leader." "I know we do it every time, however it is importantto" "Where are you?" "Can someone put africkin' bell on him or something?" "Great!" "Somebody getthe stick." "Just grab on to the hook, all right?" "You complete me." "I love you." "Hang in there, Mini-Me." "If anything should happen to you... I don't know what I would do." "I'd probably move on, get another replica." "Butthere'd be a ten-minute period there... when I would just be inconsolable." "We have your money, Dr. Evil, but itwasn't easy." "Papa has to do some work, OK?" "Well,you have exactly thirty minutes to get itto me." "Ciao." "Jiminy jumping' Jesus, I can't believe we're gonna pay that madman." "I got nukes upthe ying-yang." "Just let me launch one, for God's sake." "Are you suggesting thatwe blow upthe moon?" "Would you miss it?" "Would you miss it?" "Mission control, the swinger has landed." "Airlock, open." "Repressurize." "Let'sfind Dr. Evil." "Enjoy your stay on the moon." "There he is." "I'll coveryour rear." "No,you go ahead." "This time it's personal." "No more." "I can'ttake it anymore." "Peace?" "You brought my glasses." "Bless your little heart." "Well,that's not right." "Don't--That's just-- Now I'm pissed." "Judoflip!" "Poor little bugger." "He's so small." "He's like a dog or something." "Poor little bugger." "Get off!" "Get out of my suit!" "lttickles. lttickles." "Gotcha!" "Poor little bugger." "I salute you." "All right, slap-head." "Turn around." "Where's my mojo?" "Well, it looks like you have a choice, Mr. Powers-- save the world... or save your girlfriend." "Don'tworry about me,Austin." "You've gotto save the world." "Kill him!" "Fire the "laser."" "Target locking." "God!" "Laser settofull vitality." "Judo kick!" "You may have won the battle, Mr. Powers... butyou lostthe war." "Wake up, Felicity." "Wake up!" "Escape pod ninety-five." "I love you, Felicity." "I love you." "Dr. Evil!" "I'll kill him!" "Gotcha!" "You shot me,you a-hole." "And now I'm going to kill you." "Before you do that... know this... I am yourfather." "Really?" "No, not really." "I can't backthat up." "Right. idiot." "Yes." "But isn't it interesting, Mr. Powers... thatyou would rather kill me... than save your precious Felicity?" "What do you mean?" "Remember,there's a time portal in the main chamber." "You could go back and save her." "I'll do that." "Good work!" "Well, it looks like you have a choice, Mr. Powers-- save the world or save your girlfriend." "Don'tworry about me,Austin." "You gotta save the world." "I choose love, baby." "Wait a tick." "Who are you?" "I'm you,ten minutesfrom now." "Damn it!" "You are handsome." "I was justthinking the same." "We are sexy." "We are sexy bitches." "Yeah!" "All right." "This is ri-goddamn-diculous." "Kill them both!" "Fire the "laser."" "Listen, pastAustin... can you save the world while I go getthe girl?" "Sure,Austin-from- ten-minutes-from-now." "Lock in target." "Laser settofull vitality." "Come on." "Are you all right?" "Yeah, come on." "You all right?" "You OK?" "Say,what's the policy on ménage a trois?" "You are adorable!" "Lookingforthis, Mr. Powers?" "My mojo." "SeIf-destruct in two minutes and counting." "Watch out!" "See you in hell, Powers." "Hey,Austin-from- ten-minutes-from-now!" "This place is gonna blow." "Let's go." "Come on." "Thirty seconds and counting." "Twenty-nine..." "Let's go." "My mojo!" "We have to go now." "My mojo. I'm useless without it." "You've had it all along." "What do you mean?" "You defeated Dr. Evil, you saved the world... and believe me, you're gonna getthe girl." "All rightthen, maybe later." "Yeah, come on." "Go!" "I'll setthe controlsfor 1967." "Felicity,why don'tyou come with me to 1999?" "I don't know." "The Sixties were so groovy." "I wantto see what happens in the Seventies and Eighties." "The Seventies and the Eighties?" "You're not missing anything." "I looked into it." "There's a gas shortage and a Flock of Seagulls." "That's about it." "Let's go." "I love you,Austin Powers." "And I love you, Felicity Shagwell." "Whereverwe go... there we are." "Special delivery." "Surprise, surprise." "Listen, missy, do youfancy another go?" "'Cause once you've hadfat, you never go back." "You shutyour mouth, you bastard... who isfat." "Yeah,that's very good." "Before you kill us, let me askyou one question." "Are you happy?" "What kind of stupid ass question is that?" "I'm rich, and I'm dead sexy." "You didn't answer my question." "Are you happy?" "Of course I'm not happy." "Look at me, I'm a bigfat slob." "I've got biggertitties than you do." "I've got more chins than a Chinese phone book." "I've not seen my willie in two years... which is long enough to declare it legally dead." "I can't stop eating." "I eat because I'm unhappy." "I'm unhappy because I eat." "It's a vicious cycle." "If you'll excuse me... there's someone I have to get in touch with andforgive." "myself." "Oh, God." "Sorry, lfarted." "It's a long road ahead." "Who am I kidding?" "I'm going to kill you anyway." "Judo chop!" "Right in the mommy-daddy button!" "That'sfor calling me crap, youfatty." "Listen, baby, I don't care if he is a Fat Bastard... you don't give a man a shot in the pills." "It's just not cricket." "Do you think I'll be happy here in the Nineties?" "Well, I know the Nineties might sound boring... but asfar as I'm concerned... I've broughtthe best part of the Sixties backwith me." "You." "Wait a minute." "Where are you going?" "Did we get Dr. Evil?" "No." "He got away in that rocket that looks like a huge..." "Penis." "The male reproductive organ." "Also known as tallywhacker, schlong, or..." "Wiener?" "Any of you kids want anotherwiener?" "Dad,what's that?" "I don't know, son, but it's got great big..." "Nuts!" "Hot, salty nuts!" "Who wants some?" "Lord almighty!" "That looks just like my husband's..." "One-eyed monster." "Step right up and see the one-eyed monster!" "Hey,what's that?" "It looks like a big..." "Woody!" "Woody Harrelson?" "Can I have your autograph?" "Sure, no problem." "Oh, my Lord." "Look atthatthing." "It's so big." "I've seen bigger." "That's..." "Just a little prick." "It's aflu shot." "You've been in the coldness of space." "I don'twantyou to get sick." "It's one thing to attack me." "It's quite another to attack my Mini-Me." "I'm gonna getyou, Austin Powers." "I'm gonna getyou." "Thankyou." "Welcome back." "Today we're doing afollow-up... to a segment we did several months ago... on "Fathers who are trying to take overthe world."" "Let's begin with Scott Evil." "What's going on with your dad?" "Well, my dad tried to take overthe world... with a giant laser on the moon." "I know." "We have a surpriseforyou." "What, my dad?" "No, it's notyourfather." "It's your mother." "Come on out." "Mom?" "Scott,you are my love child with Dr. Evil." "I thought I was a test-tube baby." "Lies." "All lies!" "I love you, Mom." "I love you,too, son." "Thankyou." "You know, what have we learned here today?" "Perhaps it's that no one can take your mojo." "You can look around all you want... butwhatyou're really trying tofind is on the inside." "Take care of yourself and each other." "I think I'm gonna like it in the Nineties." "I never knew it could be this way!" "Oh, baby, baby, baby." "That's good." "How could you?" "I thoughtthat" "PastAustin?" "Technically, it's not cheating, baby." "Felicity, I can't blame you." "The man is handsome, baby!" "We're just plain handsome, man." "Am I wrong, butthis makes me horny, baby." "Very randy!" "Well, one thing'sfor sure-- l've got my mojo back." "It's definitely back." "Hello." "You all right?" "Me spuds are boiling." "Come on, darling, let's hop on the goodfoot... and do the bad thing." "Paging Dr. Freud." "Hello upthere." "is the movie over?" "I'm still down here... and I'm still in quite a lot of pain." "Maybe someone in the lobby could call an ambulance." "Oh,the pain is really quite severe." "I'vefashioned a makeshift splint." "Here goes nothing."