" HOT IN CLEVELAND IS RECORDED" "IN FRONT OF A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE." " HEY, EVERYBODY." "OUR GROUP BIRTHDAY IS COMING UP," "AND I KNOW EXACTLY WHO I WANT TO BE FIXED UP WITH." "I MET A MAN THIS YEAR WHO TOUCHED ME DEEPLY." " THAT COULD BE HALF OF CLEVELAND." " IT'S OUR POETRY PROFESSOR-- ROBIN YORK." "HE'S SO SPIRITUAL AND SENSITIVE." " WELL, I WANT THAT GUY THAT WE MET" "AT THE PETSMART CHARITIES ADOPTION THING." "HIS NAME IS REX." "OR MAYBE HIS DOG'S NAME IS REX." " WELL, NOW THAT I'M ENGAGED," "OF COURSE, I DON'T NEED AN ACTUAL DATE." "WHICH IS A GOOD THING, CONSIDERING THE FREAKS" "YOU GUYS HAVE SET ME UP WITH" "MAN BOOBS, CONJOINED TWINS," "HUMAN TAIL." " OH, COME ON." "THAT LAST GUY WAS PERFECT," "EXCEPT FOR THE TAIL." " DID YOU HEAR WHAT YOU JUST SAID?" "NO, NO, THIS TIME, I JUST WANT A BUSINESS DATE." "I REALLY WANT A PART IN THE NEXT WES O'ROURKE MOVIE." " THE INDIE FILM DIRECTOR?" " YEAH." " HE WENT TO SCHOOL WITH MY FILM PROFESSOR." "I CAN MAKE THAT HAPPEN." " EXCELLENT." "[knock on door]" " KNOCK, KNOCK." "LOOK WHAT I BROUGHT." " OOH, BREAKFAST WINE." " IT'S GLOB WINE, WHICH STANDS" "FOR "GORGEOUS LADIES OF BOWLING..."" "WINE." " GORGEOUS LADIES OF BOWLING?" " THAT WAS OUR TEAM." "1962 AND '63 CITY CHAMPIONS." " WE BOUGHT THIS WINE AND SAID WE'D DRINK IT TOGETHER" "IN 50 YEARS." " ONLY, WE LOST TRACK OF THE OTHERS." " THAT'S WHAT I WANT FOR MY BIRTHDATE" "REUNITE THE OLD GANG." " WELL, I CAN DO THAT." "WHO ARE THEY?" " THERE'S ELKA AND ME." "ALL WE NEED TO FIND IS DIANE, ANGIE, AND PEG." "[upbeat music]" "?" " ?" "HEY" " I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS." "WE HAVEN'T SEEN THE OTHER GLOB GIRLS IN 50 YEARS." "WHAT IF WE DON'T RECOGNIZE THEM?" " I KNOW." "I MEAN, WE LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME," "BUT THEY MAY HAVE CHANGED." " OH, THERE'S MY DATE." "HERE, REX!" " EXCUSE ME, MS. CHASE?" "THE GENTLEMAN OVER THERE WOULD LIKE FOR YOU TO JOIN HIM." " OH, MY GOD." "HE'S HERE ALREADY." " INTERIOR, BAR." "A WOMAN APPROACHES A TABLE." "A SMILE PLAYS ACROSS HER LIPS." "NO, IT DOESN'T." "YES, IT DOES." "SHE TAKES A SEAT, AWKWARDLY." "BLINDLY." "WORK IN PROGRESS." "I'M WES O'ROURKE." " OH, IT IS SUCH AN HONOR TO MEET YOU." " [groans happily] I KNOW." " OH, THERE'S YOUR PROFESSOR, JOY." " SO DEEP AND SOPHISTICATED." "IT'S LIKE THE LEONARD COHEN SONG" "HE WANTS TO TOUCH MY PERFECT BODY WITH HIS MIND." " I'D LIKE TO TOUCH HIS PERFECT BODY WITH MY HAND." "THIS MAY NOT BE MY FIRST DRINK." " ELKA, I WAS HOPING WHEN YOU SAID" "A FRIEND OF YOURS WANTED DINNER WITH ME," "IT WAS JUST YOUR CLEVER WAY OF ASKING ME OUT." " [laughs] OH," "YOUR DATE ISN'T WITH ME." "IT'S WITH JOY." " WHO?" " HELLO, PROFESSOR YORK." " OH, JOY, OF COURSE." "MY MISTAKE." "ARE YOU SURE IT'S NOT YOU?" " SORRY." " [chuckles] JOY, SHOULD WE, UH," "TAKE A TABLE?" " I KNOW IT SOUNDS CRAZY," "BUT YOU ALMOST SEEM DISAPPOINTED TO BE WITH ME" "AND NOT ELKA." " WHAT?" "NO, NOT AT ALL." "I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO OUR EVENING." " OH, YOU'RE A DOCTOR." "WOW, THAT'S SO GREAT." "YOU KNOW, HEALING PEOPLE," "MAKING A DIFFERENCE IN THEIR LIVES." "SO WHAT'S YOUR SPECIALTY?" " I'M A PLASTIC SURGEON." " [squeaks] OH!" "OH, THAT'S--YOU KNOW, THAT'S INTERESTING." " EXCUSE ME." "I'M LOOKING FOR A COUPLE OF BROADS," "ABOUT YOUR SIZE," "BUT A LOT OLDER LOOKING." " ANGIE!" " ANGIE!" "[all laughing]" " YOU TWO LOOK GREAT." "WHERE'S EVERYBODY ELSE?" " DIANE PROBABLY WON'T MAKE IT." "WE'RE WAITING FOR PEG." " OKAY." " [loud laughter]" "YOU GIRLS HAVEN'T CHANGED A BIT." " PEG." " ELKA!" "MAMIE!" "WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE." "WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?" "OH, I DON'T CARE." "MAMIE." "OH!" "OH, ELKA!" "[laughs] OH!" "ANGIE!" "OH!" "WAIT A MINUTE." "DID I LIKE YOU?" " YOU ALWAYS SAID YOU DID." " WELL, I'M A PATHOLOGICAL LIAR." " WELL, IN THAT SAME SPIRIT, I ALWAYS LIKED YOU." "[laughs]" "TOO BAD DIANE COULDN'T MAKE IT." " YEAH." " SOMEONE'S AT OUR TABLE." " HELLO, GLOBS!" " LOOKS LIKE SHE MADE IT AFTER ALL." "[all laughing]" " OKAY, LADIES, THIS WINE'S GONNA TAKE" "ABOUT 20 MINUTES TO BREATHE." " LOOK AT US-- BACK TOGETHER." "[all laughing]" " OH." " LET'S SEE, ELKA WAS THE BOMBSHELL," "I WAS THE LEGS, DIANE WAS THE BRAINS..." " NO." " AND MAMIE SUE WAS THE DITZ." " NO, YOU WERE THE BOMBSHELL," "DIANE WAS THE LEGS, AND MAMIE SUE" "WAS THE DITZ." " I WAS THE LEGS." "[chuckles]" "ANGIE WAS THE BRAINS," "AND MAMIE SUE WAS THE..." "DITZ." " WELL, THE JOKE'S ON ALL OF YOU." "YOU'RE NOT ANY OF THOSE THINGS ANYMORE," "BUT I'M STILL DITZY." " WELL, IT'S GREAT TO SEE YOU GUYS." " HOW DID WE LET SO MANY YEARS GO BY?" " I KNOW." "BECAUSE AFTER WE WON THE CHAMPIONSHIP," "THE FAME WENT TO OUR HEADS," "AND YOU ALL BECAME DIVAS," "WHICH LED TO A VERY UGLY BREAKUP." " THANKS, MAMIE SUE." "I THINK THAT WAS MORE OF A RHETORICAL QUESTION." " FAME DID NOT GO TO MY HEAD." " OH, YEAH?" "WHO GOT THE SPONSOR" "TO CUT THE REST OF US OUT OF THAT OVALTINE COMMERCIAL?" " HE ONLY WANTED ME." " YEAH, AND AFTER HE HAD YOU," "YOU WERE IN, AND WE WERE OUT." " THAT'S RIGHT." "YOU WERE THE TRAMP." " NO, ELKA WAS THE TRAMP." "ALWAYS BACKING UP INTO A HAND DRYER," "SO IT WOULD BLOW HER BOWLING SKIRT UP." " THAT WAS AN ACCIDENT." "EVERY TIME." "AT LEAST I DIDN'T LEAVE FOR ANOTHER TEAM." " I JUST COULDN'T STAND DIANE AND ANGIE ALWAYS FIGHTING." " YEAH, YOUR FIGHT RUINED OUR CHANCE" "AT THE LIFE MAGAZINE COVER." " YEAH, THAT'S WHAT REALLY BROKE UP THE TEAM." " YEAH." " HOW COME SHE GOT TO BE IN THE CENTER" "OF EVERY PICTURE?" " BECAUSE I HAD THE SMILE." " YEAH, YEAH, YOUR SMILE WAS SO BIG," "IT PUSHED THE REST OF US OUT OF FRAME." " BETTER MY SMILE THAN YOUR HIPS." " WATCH IT, SUNSHINE." "WATCH THAT MOUTH." " SHE WAS JUST KIDDING." " YOU HAVE ALWAYS SAID CATTY THINGS" " STOP IT, YOU GUYS!" " OH, THERE'S LOTS OF STUFF" " IT'S 1963 ALL OVER AGAIN." "THE WINE NEEDS 20 MINUTES TO BREATHE," "AND I THINK WE DO TOO." "WHY DON'T WE TAKE A BREAK AND GET SOME FRESH AIR?" " MAMIE SUE, WE'RE ALREADY OUTSIDE." " FINE." "I'M GOING INSIDE FOR SOME STALE AIR." " ME TOO." " ME TOO." " AREN'T YOU GOING?" " WHY SHOULD I GO?" "YOU GO." " I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE." " WELL, FINE." "NEITHER AM I." " FINE." " FINE." " WE'LL JUST SIT HERE" "AND SAY NOTHING TO EACH OTHER." "NOTHING AT ALL." "NOT A THING." "NOT A WORD." "NOT ONE WORD." " COULD THAT START NOW?" " QUESTION." "WHO ARE YOUR TOP FIVE JAPANESE DIRECTORS?" " ONLY FIVE?" "I WILL ANSWER THAT EXCELLENT QUESTION" "AS SOON AS WE'VE ORDERED DINNER." "AND I AM CERTAINLY NOT THE TYPE OF PERSON WHO WOULD SAY," ""SIRI, WHO ARE THE TOP FIVE JAPANESE DIRECTORS?"" " LET'S SEE, WHAT'S GOOD HERE?" "HUH." "I'M THINKING ABOUT THE DUCK." " SO AM I." " MY DATE IS A PLASTIC SURGEON." "TAKE A LOOK AT ME RIGHT NOW." "THIS IS THE WORST I'M EVER GONNA LOOK." " WE SHOULD INTRODUCE HIM TO MY DATE..." "WHO HAS WEBBED HANDS." " WHAT?" "YOU MEAN LIKE A FROG?" " OH, SURE, LIKE A FROG OR A DUCK, A PLATYPUS," "NONE OF WHICH WOULD DRAW COMMENT IF WE WERE DINING IN A POND." " JOY, HOW'S YOUR DATE?" " HARD TO SAY." " YOU'RE NOT SURE?" " NO." "THE WORDS ARE LITERALLY HARD TO SAY." "HE PREFERS ELKA TO ME." "A 91-YEAR-OLD WOMAN TO ME." " WEBBED HANDS." " PLASTIC SURGEON." "SORRY." "IT'S REALLY FUN TO WIN." " OKAY, I JUST HAVE TO GO OUT THERE" "AND SHOW HIM THAT I AM A DEEP ACTRESS," "WHO IS UNCONCERNED WITH SUPERFICIAL THINGS," "AND JUST IGNORE THE SLIGHT THWAPPING SOUND" "WHENEVER HE GESTURES." " I HAVE GOT TO SHOW ROBIN THAT I'M JUST AS DESIRABLE" "AS A WOMAN PUSHING 100." " WELL, I JUST NEED TO PLAY IT COOL." "I CAN'T LET HIM KNOW HOW MUCH I WANT HIM" "TO KNOCK ME OUT AND CUT ME UP." "'CAUSE THAT'S THIRD-DATE TALK." " AND THERE ARE SO MANY EXCITING NEW WAYS" "TO TEASE THE FILM ON SOCIAL MEDIA." "THERE'S TWITTER, UH, PODCASTS," "WEBISODES." " [shakily] PLEASE TELL ME MORE ABOUT YOUR FILM." "THE PART OF NORA REALLY SPEAKS TO ME." " OH, I DON'T KNOW." "SHE'S A TORTURED, GRITTY CHARACTER." "YOU'RE PRIMARILY KNOWN AS A SOAP ACTRESS." " OH, PLEASE, AFTER THE WOODY ALLEN MOVIE," "PEOPLE DON'T EVEN THINK OF ME THAT WAY." " HEY!" "YOU'RE HONOR ST." "RAVEN." "YOU WERE ON THAT SOAP." " EXCUSE ME." "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" " OH, I'M WITH THE OLD BROADS, BUT THEY'RE FIGHTING," "SO I'D RATHER SIT WITH YOU AND RAGGEDY ANDY HERE." " THAT'S NICE." " WOW, YOU DON'T SEE THAT EVERY DAY." " MAYBE IT WAS A MISTAKE TO GET THE OLD GANG TOGETHER." "YOU CAN'T ESCAPE THE GHOSTS FROM THE PAST." " THAT'S FROM YOUR POEM." "UH, "MIDNIGHT LANE."" "IT TOUCHED MY SOUL." " YOU KNOW WHAT POEM TOUCHED MY SOUL?" "YOUR POEM, "SHADOW LIGHTS," IN THE NEW YORKER." "I SAW THE SUN AS A METAPHOR" "FOR ALL THE RADIANT BEAUTY THAT'S JUST BEYOND OUR REACH." " TO BE PERFECTLY HONEST WITH YOU," "THE INSPIRATION IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME." "YOU CAN SEE THE RADIANCE." "DON'T YOU, JOY?" " YES." "BUT LIKE THE SUN, IT'S" "IT'S BEST NOT TO LOOK DIRECTLY AT IT." " MELANIE, YOU'RE THE PEACEMAKER IN YOUR GROUP." "WHAT CAN I DO TO MAKE THE OTHERS GET ALONG?" " MAMIE SUE, I'M-- I'M KIND OF IN THE MIDDLE" "OF A DATE RIGHT NOW." " OH, I'M SORRY." "I'M BEING RUDE." "I'M MAMIE SUE JOHNSON." " DR. REX SWANSON." " DOCTOR?" "WHAT'S YOUR SPECIALTY?" " I'M A PLASTIC SURGEON." " OH, MELANIE, YOU MUST BE SO EXCITED!" "A PLASTIC SURGEON IS HER NUMBER ONE DREAM DATE." " NO." "WHAT?" "[laughs]" "DON'T BE SILLY, MAMIE SUE." "DR. SWANSON IS JUST MY DATE." "I HAVE NO INTEREST IN ANY NEW PROCEDURES" "OR FILLERS OR CUTTING-EDGE SCULPTING AND LIFTING TECHNIQUES" "THAT COULD MAKE ME LOOK FIVE TO SEVEN YEARS YOUNGER" "WITH MINIMUM RECOVERY TIME." " MELANIE, YOU'RE A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN." "I WOULDN'T CHANGE A THING." " OH, YOU'RE VERY SWEET." "[chuckles]" "YEAH, BUT JUST FOR FUN," "IF I WAS TO COME IN FOR A CONSULTATION," "IS THERE ANYTHING YOU MIGHT MAKE" "JUST A LITTLE TEENSY BIT BETTER?" "I'M A MONSTER!" "HE MARKED THINGS I NEVER EVEN NOTICED!" " DON'T LET THAT DOCTOR SEE JOY." "HE'LL RUN OUT OF INK." " OH, THERE'S THAT BEAUTIFUL SOUL" "I'VE HEARD SO MUCH ABOUT." " JOY, HE'S STILL A GUY." "HIKE UP YOUR SKIRT AND SHOW HIM HOW PROFOUND YOU ARE." " WHAT ARE YOU ALL DOING HERE?" " THIS IS WHERE WE HANG OUT WHEN OUR BIRTHDATES ARE TANKING." " WELL, I CAME TO THE RIGHT PLACE." "I DON'T WANT US TO FIGHT." " I DON'T WANT US TO FIGHT EITHER." "I'M SORRY I SAID ALL THOSE AWFUL THINGS ABOUT YOU." " BUT YOU DIDN'T." " CHECK YOUR FACEBOOK PAGE." " COME ON, CHICKENS, IT'S WINE TIME!" " ELKA AND I MADE UP." " OH, PLEASE, WHO EVEN REMEMBERS" "WHAT WE FOUGHT ABOUT?" " THAT'S A GOOD ATTITUDE." " NO, I HONESTLY DON'T REMEMBER." " SO WE'RE ALL FRIENDS," "BUT DO YOU THINK DIANE AND ANGIE EVER WILL BE?" " HOW ABOUT WE GO DRINK THAT WINE AND FIND OUT?" "[chuckles]" " PLASTIC SURGEON?" " YEP." " I HAD MY BOOBS DONE LAST YEAR." "NO, I DIDN'T." " SO." " SO." " [scoffs] THIS IS RIDICULOUS." "WE BOTH KNOW THE REAL REASON THE TEAM BROKE UP." " YES, WE DO." " I SHOWED UP TONIGHT" "HOPING THAT WE COULD LET BYGONES BE BYGONES," "ALSO HOPING THAT YOU HAD GOTTEN FAT." "YOU STOLE MY BOYFRIEND, DIANE." " HE CHASED ME." " YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO LET HIM CATCH YOU." "YOU TWO STILL MARRIED?" " NO." "HE WAS A PUTZ." " HEY, I TAUGHT YOU THAT WORD." " YES, YOU DID." " YOU KNOW, NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT," "HE WAS A PUTZ." " MM-HMM." " OH." "YOU MAY HAVE DONE ME A FAVOR." " YOU'RE WELCOME." "AND I'M SORRY." " OH, NO." " OH." " MAYBE THAT'S WHAT ALL THE TENSION WAS ABOUT." " WOW, THAT DRESS IS AS SHORT AS A HAIKU NOW." "I SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING." " OH, DO YOU?" " YOU'RE A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN," "BUT I DON'T VALUE OUTWARD BEAUTY MUCH." "PERHAPS THAT'S BECAUSE I'M..." "SO BEAUTIFUL MYSELF." " AND DID YOU RECOGNIZE WHICH SCENE WAS MY HOMAGE" "TO EISENSTEIN'S POTEMKIN?" " LOOK, I-- I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE." "I HAVEN'T UNDERSTOOD ONE WORD YOU'VE SAID ALL NIGHT." "I DON'T KNOW JAPANESE DIRECTORS." "I'M NOT INTROSPECTIVE OR ESOTERIC." "BUT I CAN DO THIS PART." "I SWEAR I CAN." " FINALLY, THAT'S THE HONESTY I HAVE BEEN SEARCHING FOR." "THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT THE CHARACTER NEEDS." "SHOW ME MORE OF THAT HONESTY." "DEEPER, DARKER." "HURT ME WITH IT." " I'M SELFISH." " YES." " AND I'M VAIN." " YES." " AND I'M REALLY FREAKED OUT BY YOUR WEBBED HANDS." " WELL, THAT'S JUST MEAN." "[deep pop]" " NO MORE FIGHTING?" " YES, THE PAST IS THE PAST." "RIGHT, KID?" " YOU BETCHA." " WE'RE ALL GONNA TALK NICE TO EACH OTHER." "[light laughter]" " SO UM, DO YOU HAVE GRANDKIDS?" " EIGHT." "ALMOST ALL GROWN." " OH, ISN'T THAT NICE?" " IT REALLY IS." "IT REALLY IS." " NO, IT ISN'T." "IT'S BORING." "THIS ISN'T US." " SHE'S RIGHT." "WE DIDN'T COME HERE FOR OLD LADY CHITCHAT." "WE CAME HERE BECAUSE WE'RE CHAMPIONS." "[laughter]" " WE WERE PRETTY GOOD." " WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?" "WE WERE THE BEST THERE EVER WAS." " THAT'S RIGHT." " A CLASSIC." " EVERY SATURDAY NIGHT, ALL EYES WERE ON US." " THAT'S TRUE." "THEY EVEN LIKED THIS ONE." " WELL, I HAD SEX APPEAL." "IN FACT, UH, I STILL DO." " REALLY?" "WHERE DO YOU KEEP IT?" "THE BASEMENT?" " MAN." " NOW, THIS IS US." " YEAH, WE HAD OUR DIFFERENCES," "BUT WE WENT OUT ON TOP." " YEAH, JUST LIKE MY HUSBAND." " AT LEAST HE DIED DOING SOMETHING HE LOVED." " THAT'S RIGHT-- CHEATING ON ME." "[overlapping chatter]" " AW." "THAT'S GONNA BE US ONE DAY." "WE SHOULD BUY A BOTTLE OF WINE" "AND OPEN IT IN 50 YEARS." " I'VE GOT A BETTER IDEA." "LET'S BUY A BOTTLE OF WINE AND OPEN IT TONIGHT." " VICTORIA, I'M LEAVING." "I LOOK FORWARD TO SEEING YOUR AUDITION IN LOS ANGELES." " THANK YOU." "YEAH." "I LOOK FORWARD TO IT AS WELL." " YOU'RE SO SWEET." " [whimpers]" " HEY, DIRECTOR." "WHY DON'T YOU DO A SHOW ABOUT US?" " OH, THAT'S A GOOD IDEA!" "[overlapping chatter]" " THAT WOULD BE GREAT." " I'M SORRY, I DON'T SEE IT." " I'D LIKE TO MAKE A TOAST TO US." "TO FRIENDSHIP." "TO OUR CHAMPIONSHIP SEASONS." "TO US!" "[laughter] CHAMPIONS!" " BOWLERS FROM HEAVEN." "[chuckles] [overlapping chatter] [kitten meows]" "[upbeat music]" "?" " [whistles]"