"Ok." "Let's get started." "All right." "Here we go." "Makin' a baby." "Doin' the deed." "Down and dirty." "This isn't working for me." "This isn't gonna be a problem, right?" "I mean, come on." "I mean, we're friends." "We've seen each other naked a hundred times." "Cinchy." "Right?" "All right." "Here we go." "Start goin'." "Yeah, that's me." "You know, we--we really don't need to kiss." "Kissing is not necessary." "Who needs kissing?" "It--it seems" "I'm just gonna-- I'll just, uh-- take your shirt off." "You know what?" "I can do this with my shirt on." "True!" "True!" "That's..." "You know what?" "I mean--I mean-- you don't need these." "If anything, these hurt the process, right?" "Twist my arm!" "Basically, all I really need is--is that... there." "Therein lies the problem." "Maybe... maybe we should just try a different approach." "Yeah, you know, we--we--we don't need the romance." "Let's just-- let's just get raw." "You know, let's get savage." "Ok." "You know what?" "We should just-- we should just attack each other like animals, you know?" "Just like, you know, paw at each other..." "Right?" "That's good." "Yeah?" "Paw at you." "Yeah..." "That's—" "Hey." "Show me what you got." "A little hot love paw." "Grace!" "What the hell are you doing?" "!" "I was being raw and savage like you said!" "Well, it's not working." "No wonder you have trouble keeping boyfriends." "They can't get insurance." "Ok, all right, that's it." "I am going into the bathroom and getting naked." "You get under the covers and get ready for action." "'Cause when I come out, we're gonna put that babymaker to work." "WILL:" "You do this for me... and I'll-- I'll get you those leather pants you've been eyeing." "Oh, thank you so much." "Yeah." "Listen, I'd love to give you a tip, but I don't seem to" "Oh, wait a minute." "Here you go." "Ok." "Why, Lionel Banks, you filthy old man." "I heard the bell." "Are my pizzas here?" "Oh, no, no." "Just some flowers for me." "Oh, good." "Are you dead?" "Good one, Ro-Ro." "That's a good one." "Who are they from?" "Oh, uh, Stan." "They're from Stan." "Yeah, he likes to celebrate..." "Tony Roma's birthday." "Liar!" "Tony's birthday is in the fall." "Come on, give me the card, come here." "No!" "No!" "Give it to me!" "Give it to me!" "No!" "No!" "Come on." "Lady, don't think I won't go in there." "You wouldn't dare." "Yeah, you're right." "Well..." "Oh!" "Oh, oh, oh." "No!" "Stop!" "Don't!" "To the right!" "Pinch it!" "Stop!" "Who's Lionel Banks?" "Uh, he's the new bass player in my Lynyrd Skynyrd tribute band." "Sweet home Alabama, where the skies are" "Lady...!" "All right!" "I met him in a bar, he flirted with me." "He thought I was a whore." "Made me feel..." "I don't know, special." "But it's nothing." "Then why aren't you wearing your wedding ring?" "rare you thinking about cheating with this man?" "Abandoning Mr. Stan?" "No!" "Yes!" "Maybe!" "I don't know!" "I" "Oh, my P'Zone is here!" "Jack, as you may have heard, Dorleen's manager position has become available." "Yeah, what happened to her?" "Rehab." "Big fan of the nose candy." "Blow, snow, ice." "All of it just hoovered right up the snout." "Any snootch..." "We're looking for a new floor manager, and Tristan and moi would like to offer it to you." "Me?" "!" "Manager?" "!" "No." "Floor manager." "That's even better." "It's a two-word title, like homecoming queen." "Come on, Grace." "How long does it take to get undressed?" "Just give me another minute!" "Steal stuff later!" "We don't need another scale." "I can't do this." "Why?" "What's wrong?" "Will, you're my best friend." "I love you." "I love what we have together and..." "I don't want it to change." "Sex changes things." "It always does." "We'll end up not calling, being awkward together, sleeping with the other person's friends just to spite them." "Ok, I might be personalizing on that one." "All I'm trying to say is... if we're gonna bring a baby into the world, there can't be any weirdness between us." "So, I don't think I can do it this way." "Are you mad at me?" "Yeah... maybe a little." "Here they are, Jack." "The keys to your new office." "Oh, my god." "I've never had my own office before." "I will try to honor the legacy of the bipolar blow monkey who had it before me." "Oh, and Jack, uh, you got this message." "Something about a voice-over audition this afternoon." "You're not really going to do this, are you?" "Absolutely not!" "Show business is a harsh bitch of a mistress who kicked me in the gut one too many times until I heaved up the regret of a millions yesteryears!" "Huh?" "I quit the biz." "My ass belongs to Barney's now." "Smart lady." "Enjoy your new office." "My own orifice." "I've arrived." "Homo, I don't think we're in Barney's anymore." "Where am I?" "You're in heaven, Jack." "So, are you God?" "It depends on which bathhouse you pray at." "Oh...my..." "Cher!" "You are God!" "Chastity, Elijah." "It all makes sense." "Wait a minute." "If this is heaven, does that mean I've died?" "Only the entertainer part of you, Jack." "That's why I sent for you." "The world needs you." "But I can't go back to performing." "I've already broken it to my fan." "I'm a retail queen now." "No, you're not, Jackie." "You're the little boy who used to dance naked in front of his mirror." "Who grew up and-- and became that sensitive young teenager who danced naked in front of his mirror." "And spent way too much time at the gym to become the young man who dances naked in front of his mirror." "Don't ever stop dancing, Jack." "Don't ever stop dancing." "Show business needs you." "But if it needs me, how come I keep getting rejected?" "You know, don't talk to me about rejection, ok?" "I mean, look how many times I've gone down in flames." "Remember, I lost the Oscar for Moonstruck." "But you won the Oscar for Moonstruck!" "And don't you forget it." "And if that doesn't convince you..." "Hit it, boys!" "This is a different kind of love song, dedicated to everyone." "Different kind of love song..." "Stop it!" "Stop it!" "You're hawking your album during my dream?" "!" "Well, somebody's gotta pay for the fog and the dancing fairies." "Remember, Jack, follow your bliss." "Follow your bliss, Jack." "Follow your bliss." "Follow your bliss." "Uh, my bliss is this way." "Follow your bliss." "Follow your bliss." "Jack." "Jack?" "Wake up!" "What's going..." "What's going on?" "Robert just bitch-slapped Terry because he pulled on his weave." "You better get down to women's shoes, pronzo." "It's a festival of tears and queers down there." "I'm sorry, Ruben." "No can do." "What?" "But you're the floor manager." "Not anymore." "I'm a professional actor, and I have a non-union voice-over audition to go to." "You know, they charge for the bath robes." "Well, just as well." "I never would have been able to cram it in there with the VCR and The Bible." "And to think, I missed a shot in the sack with that." "Yeah." "What are we gonna do about that?" "Well, if we don't do it today, we'll have to wait another month." "It's so weird that your eggs have an expiration date, you know?" "They're like... eggs." "Anyway, I figured we'd go back to the insemination plan." "So, I booked you into the sperm bank at 10:00." "We've got an appointment at my gyno's at 12:00." "And then, bing, bang, boom, we're pregnant." "Actually, not bang; just a bing and a boom." "So, you're still sure you want to do this?" "Absolutely." "Ok, I know that I was a little freaked out before about waiting for Mr. Right, but it's a fantasy." "I mean, what am I waiting for, some guy to ride up on a white horse?" "Grace..." "Come with me and be my looove." "I fantasize about the guy, not the horse." "Ok, let's do a final check." "You've got the stuff," "I've got the place to put it, and two Kit Kat bars for energy." "We're good to go." "Yeah." "Nothing can go wrong now." "What did you just say?" "I said, "nothing can go wrong."" "I can't believe you just said that!" "You put a ken ayina hora on it!" "What did you just say?" "You put a ken ayina hora on it." "A Jewish jinx." "You jinxed it." "Quick, quick." "Knock on wood." "Don't." "You're-- you're spitting on me!" "Hey, cabbie, you wouldn't happen to have the guts of a young chicken and some kosher salt?" "Does it have to be kosher?" "All right, that's it." "We gotta get another cab." "Pull over." "What are you talking about?" "I'm not driving to our fertilization in a jinxed cab." "What, does the next one have to be driven by a rabbi?" "It wouldn't hurt." "Come on, come on." "I'm about to break the heart of a lovely man whose only crime is wanting to get in my pants." "Come on." "Give me something to smile about." "Well, I'm not sure I can do that, ma'am." "You see, I'm getting laid off." "Today's my last day, and I have seven kids to feed." "Not as good as the wife one, but-- but still..." "Pretty damn funny." "Ahh, Ms. Beaverhousen." "I came as soon as you called." "Oh, well... that's really none of my business, but I'm glad you could make it." "I'm going to cut right to the chase." "I got us the Presidential Suite." "The bed is turned, the bath is drawn, and there's a handy Filipino fellow ready to attend to whatever needs that I can't meet." "Shall we?" "I didn't come here for a rendezvous." "I came here to tell you something." "When I said before that I wasn't married..." "I was lying." "I am married." "Well, I appreciate your honesty." "And now, I'm going to be honest with you." "I don't care." "Huh?" "B--?" "What?" "Here's the key to the room." "If you're not there in five minutes, I'm going to commence with what my house boy calls "the manila folder."" "I hope I see you." "Thank God we got out of that jinxed cab." "Nothing can go wrong now." "Damn it!" "I ken ayina hora-ed myself!" "We're gonna miss our appointment!" "Ok, look, it's right across the park." "I can run for it." "Give me the bag, quick." "No, I'll run." "I'm faster." "If you get there with the sperm, where are they gonna put it?" "You take the bag." "Hey, wait, wait, wait!" "None's going anywhere till I get paid." "I don't have to pay you." "You crashed!" "Just give me half." "I'm not giving you anything!" "Come on, haggle with me!" "Hi, Grace." "Hi, Jack." "Going to my audition." "Going to make a baby." "Good luck." "Good luck to you, too." "We're about to close." "Where's your girlfriend?" "I'd like to fill her to the rim with him and catch the bus to Atlantic City." "Look, she's gonna be here any minute." "Hi..." "What happens?" "Find out this fall on the next exciting episode of" "Stop, stop." "Uh, Mr. McFarland, what's with the voice?" "This is how an announcer talks." "Ok, we'll call you." "Yes!" "Oh, my god." "This is so exciting!"