"Please, let me see it." "Please." "You've already seen it." "Yeah, but I've never seen it, like, in the light." "I'll show it a great deal of respect." "I promise." "Okay." "But I was 18 when I got it, all right?" "Okay." "All right." "Awesome." "Pink skull." "It's edgy, yet feminine." "Shut up." "It's slutty and you know it." "You're not a slut." "Really?" "I just spent the night with the guy I hired to paint my condo." "Well, that would make you more of a whore." " Goodbye!" " No!" "Stay, stay, stay, stay." "Come on." "Come on." "I'm kidding." "All right?" "Listen, I have this enormous lake house that I'm painting for a guy while he's out of town, but how..." "How would you like to spend the rest of the weekend with me there, okay?" "I don't know." "I spend one night with you and you wanna take me away for the weekend?" "I must've been pretty amazing." "Until I check the videotape from last night, I won't know for sure." " What was that?" " My front door." " Is somebody here?" " I hope not." " Hi, Dad." " We're here." "Dad?" "Okay, a few things I probably should have told you." "Aside from owning my own painting business and all this boyish charm," "I have two kids." " Gary?" "Hello?" " And an ex-wife." "We're two-and-a-half minutes into my time!" "Who might be a Nazi." " Why didn't you tell me?" " I was gonna tell you the very next time we weren't having sex, okay?" "Come on." "It's not like I lied to you." "I don't lie." " I'm not a liar." "I never..." " Gary!" "I'm on the phone!" "Vanessa, I'm really, really sorry." "I've only been divorced for three months." "I haven't seen anyone since the split, and I was gonna tell you, but you were too good to be true." "I didn't want to say anything that would scare you away." "Like the tiny little detail about you having a family?" "You didn't tell me you were double-jointed!" "At one point last night, I thought I'd broken you." "Yeah, well, I'm not double-jointed." "I just don't like to complain." "Hi." "Hi." "Hi, son." "Hi, sweetie." " Where's Mommy?" " She's in the kitchen." " Great." "Thanks." " Dad." "Dad." "I got another picture of Al Gore to put on the wall next to my bed." "Wow." "That's..." "That's creepy, Louise." "Allison, what are you doing here?" "It's not my weekend." "All you have in your refrigerator is two beers and a bottle of ranch dressing." "Yeah, I know." "I'm running low on beer." "Why are the kids here?" "Gary, you get them every Tuesday and Thursday, every other weekend and two weeks in the month of July, okay?" "We alternate birthdays and major holidays." "I know this is a lot of words in a row, but please, Gary, try to follow." "Okay." "I'm following, but you kept them last weekend, which was supposed to be my weekend." "That doesn't mean we automatically switch." "I kept them because we were doing a 12-hour juice cleanse" " and I knew you wouldn't honor it." " Probably not." "You know, when my kids are starving, I tend to feed them." "Sorry if that makes me the fun parent." "Hey, kids!" "Throw away your books, get rid of your toothbrushes." "You're with Daddy now." "Dad says my Al Gore picture's creepy." "Honey, it's not that it's creepy." "It's just that every inch of the wall in your bedroom is covered with pictures of either Al Gore or Mahatma Gandhi, you know?" "Thank God you have that one picture of the guy from Entourage." "That's Che Guevara, Dad." "I don't know what the actor's name is, Louise." "I'm just glad you have a crush on somebody that's closer to your own age." "Your father isn't criticizing you, Louise." "He knows both you and Tom are going to have lots of healthy, wonderful relationships." " We know, Mom." " We know, Mom." "Why do you say stuff like that to them?" "Because children of divorce are more likely to struggle in their own relationships." "There's an entire chapter on it in Rules For a Perfect Divorce, the book Dr. Krandall gave both of us to read." "God, you haven't even opened yours, have you?" "I don't have to read it." "I have the audio version seated on my couch!" "Gary, we both agreed to follow Dr. Krandall's rules because it was the best thing for the kids." " The kids are doing great." " Really?" "Have you noticed that Tommy's scared to death of girls?" "He should be afraid of girls." "They pretend to like you and then they take all your stuff." "Okay." "Look, Tommy..." "Tommy will like girls when he's ready to like girls." "Dr. Krandall and I have encouraged him to make female friends in Second Life." "Oh, no." "That dorky computer game?" "It's an online society, Gary, okay?" "It's a safe place for him to meet other teens." "Yeah, and maybe a congressman." "Bye, kids." "Have fun with your dad." "I never did." "All right, you're a liar." "That's a lie." "I know." "But it felt good saying it." "Which one takes ginkgo before bed?" "You know what, Allison?" "I would really appreciate it if you didn't quiz me" " about my own kids, okay?" " Well?" "It's Tommy." "Louise." "I know it's Tommy." "It's Louise." " It's Tommy." "It's Tommy." "It's Tommy." " Hey, hey." "One capsule right before bed with plenty of water." " It's Louise." "Okay." " Louise." "I knew it was Louise." "It's Louise." "Hey, pal." "Hey, look at that." "Second Life." "Wow, that's pretty cool." "You know, we didn't..." "We didn't have anything like that when I was a kid." "We had outside." "Your mom tells me you can meet girls in there." "It's called "in world." Yeah, you can meet tons of girls." "Tons." " You ever meet one?" " No." "Well, there's one girl that I really like at school." "Her name's Danielle, but we're never in world at the same time, so..." "Okay, Tommy, listen to me, okay?" "Hear me out." "If there's ever a girl that you meet in this world, maybe you could bring her over to the house." "She can come to your room, you guys can study, talk." " A girl in my room?" " Yeah." " I can't invite a girl over here." " Why not?" "What if she expects me to, you know, tap it?" "What..." " What would you be tapping?" " I don't know!" "Okay, that's good." "That's good." "That's fine." "Look, you're 14 years old." "You're not gonna have to worry about girls for a while." " Thank God." " Okay." "All right, look, I have to go see about a job." "All right, do me a favor, keep an eye on your sister for me." "Hey, if I try to give you ginkgo tonight, don't take it." " Hey, Dennis." " Hey." "Has the owner been by today?" "What's her name, Vanessa?" " Saw her car a little while ago." " Really?" "When?" "This morning." "In front of your house." "All right, yeah, we..." "We hooked up last night." "It was amazing, but I think I might have scared her off and she never wants to see me again." "Jackpot!" "No." "No, no, no, no, that's not a jackpot." "I mean, I really like this girl." "I wanted to see where this thing was gonna go." "No, no, no." "Don't do this." "You just got divorced." "You're a free agent." "You don't wanna sign with the first team that shows you their facilities." "I'm not looking for a long-term relationship with Vanessa." "I just wanna spend some time with somebody that's cool, sexy and has a tattoo." "You just described Paco and he's not looking for anything serious, either." "Really?" "Hey, Dennis, is it okay..." "Is it okay if I took the fabric to the color of the wall?" "Sure." "Help yourself." "Just be careful what you touch." "You could've told me that yesterday." "Look, Vanessa, I'm really sorry about last night." "Vanessa, please, talk to me." "Look, I'm a big girl." "We had a good time last night, but I know you're not ready for this, and that's fine with me." "But I am ready for this." "I really am." "It's just that my ex-wife and I, we decided to do this divorce by a couple of rules for the kids' sake." "Like how long to wait before we start seeing other people, and last night, I'm pretty sure I broke a lot of those rules, as well as a few of my own personal records." "Two was a personal record?" "Yeah." "Look, Vanessa, I really like you." "I do." "If you gave me another chance, I'd love to see how this thing turns out." "Really?" "Well, what about the agreement you have with your ex-wife?" "I'm gonna take care of that right now." "I'm gonna go talk to my ex-wife, Allison." "I'm gonna tell her no more rules." "Okay?" "Can I see you later?" "I don't know." "This seems like a really bad idea." "I'll take that as a maybe." "It's open." "Sorry." "Still getting used to having to knock on my own door." "Well, it's my door now, Gary." "And of course you don't have to knock." "You can ring the bell." "Look, I came over here to talk to you about something that's very important, okay?" "And I don't want it to end in a fight." "It's about dating." "I'm not interested." "Delightful." "No, I meant other people, dating other people, preferably people who don't turn the lights on during sex and ask me what I'm trying to accomplish." "I did that one time, Gary." "And you seemed to be lost, okay?" "What is it you didn't want to fight about?" "I know we've agreed to these" " rules, okay?" " Yeah." "And part of the rules is when it's okay to start seeing other people." "And I think that time's gonna come up soon for either one of us, and I think it's important that when one of us does see someone else, that the other one doesn't make a big deal out of it." "Okay." "Gary, I promise when you start seeing someone," "I will not make a big deal about it." "Oh, my gosh." "That's great." "And when you wanna see somebody," "I won't make a big deal out of it either, okay?" "Good. 'Cause I'm getting married." "What?" "Yeah." "Well, I'm engaged." "And thank you, I have been a wreck trying to figure out how to break it to you." "Now I can finally tell the kids." "And wear this." "Oh, my gosh!" "Who are you getting married to?" "Well, someone that I have been seeing since we split." "Actually, you've been seeing him, too, every Tuesday at 8:00 a.m." "Dr. Krandall?" "You're marrying our marriage counselor?" "I know." "It's crazy, right?" "I mean..." "The guy that's always covered in cat hair and crumbs and he wears the turtleneck sweater" " even though he doesn't have a neck?" " Okay." "Gary, he's sensitive and brilliant, and he makes me feel young." " Of course he does." "He's 80." " He's in his 50s." "I don't know what to say." "Well, you know what, Gare?" "A lot of people go with, "Congratulations."" "Okay." "Great." "Well, you know what then?" "Congratulations." "Congratulations on marrying the person who we both went to to try to hold our marriage together!" "Oh, my gosh!" "Isn't there a rule against that?" " Isn't there a law against that?" " Come on, Gary." "Grow up." "Grow up." "The heart doesn't know how to follow a bunch of stupid rules." "This is good for both of us." "Maybe this will force you to move on, too." "Maybe I already have." "Please." "Don't pretend to be seeing someone just to compete with me." "That is sad." "I'm not competing with you, Allison." "You're engaged to be married." "You've won, okay?" "And your prize is a guy who rides a bicycle with a windshield." "Hey." "Hey, Louise." "Sweetie, will you help me get rid of these groceries," " put them away for me?" " Sure, Dad." " Hey, where's your brother?" " He's in his room studying with a girl." "Whoa!" "With a girl?" "Like a real live, a human being person girl?" "Way to go, Tommy!" "Is she cute?" "That's degrading." "I don't judge people by appearances." "That's why I love you, Louise, okay." "But let's be honest." "You wouldn't have all those pictures of Gandhi on your bedroom wall if he wasn't so hot." "Hey, son." "Wow, I didn't know you had company over." "It was your idea, remember?" "Way to play along, Captain Smooth." " Hi, I'm Tommy's dad." " Nice to meet you." "I'm Danielle." "Hi, Danielle." "I ordered a pizza, so if you guys get hungry later, just yell..." "Tommy, do you have a question?" "Yeah." "Didn't you need me to help you with that thing out in the hall?" "Yes, I did." "Excuse me." "Tommy, I need his help with the thing, out in the hall." "It's very heavy." "We'll be right back." "Glad you brought that up." "I forgot about it." " What's wrong?" " What's wrong?" "There is a girl in my room, okay?" "What am I supposed to do with her?" "I don't know." "Talk to her." "Tell her you like her hair." "I'm not gonna lie to her, Dad." "Can't you just tell her I was called away on some emergency?" "Yes, yes." "I can do that." "That's a great idea." "I'll tell her that the FBI came to the door and they asked for you, and they called you away on a top secret mission called Operation Wuss-Bag." "Now, get back in there and talk to your friend, Tommy." " All right." " Look, look, all right." "Look, seriously, though, she likes you." "Otherwise she wouldn't be here, okay?" "You're a good-Iooking guy." "You better get used to this." " Okay, okay." " All right." "She smells really good." "They all do." "That's how they get you." "Louise, would you bring Daddy a beer?" "Mom says it makes me an enabler." "Well, in that case, bring Daddy a shot of tequila, too." "That'll make you a bartender." "Hello, Gary." "Hello, Dr. Krandall." "I understand Allison brought you up to speed on our little indiscretion." "Yeah." "You know, I'm not sure what makes me more mad, the fact that you're sleeping with my ex-wife or you made me keep a dream journal." "I validate your rage, Gary." "And that's why I'm here." "To give you a chance to exact your pound of flesh." "All I ask is that you not strike me above the neck." "I have a book jacket photo session in the morning." "I'm not gonna hit you." "No, I think you'll find it therapeutic." "I'm interested, too, from a research standpoint." "I've never been beaten up before." "Yeah, I find that hard to believe." "Walter, stop right now." "Allison, what are you doing here?" "How come you don't have to knock before you walk into my house?" "Please, Gary." "Don't be petty, all right?" "Walter left a crazy note saying he was coming over here to take his lumps, and I don't want the two of you fighting over me." "No, no, no." "The testosterone is raging." "Come on now." "Give me your worst." "I already gave you my worst and you put a ring on its finger." "Hey, there's the pizza guy." "Maybe he'll hit you below the head." "Hi." "Hi." "Hey, I really appreciate you coming over earlier." "It was really sweet." "There's something I need to tell you." "There's already a man in my life." "This is my son, Parker, and he really needs to use your bathroom." " Hey, Parker." "How are you, buddy?" " Hi!" "All right, the bathroom's upstairs, okay?" "I can't believe he doesn't have a bathroom downstairs." "Come on in." "Come on in." "Everybody, this is my friend, Vanessa." "That's my ex-wife, Allison." "That's our former marriage counselor and her new fiancé, Dr. Walter Krandall." " Charmed." " Yeah, he says things like "charmed."" "He's old." "I'm old?" "He's afraid of birds." "Hey, you know what?" "That was in a dream journal, fella." "Gary, I'm sorry I doubted you when you said you were seeing someone." "Well, Vanessa and I just met." "And we're still learning so many wonderful things about each other." "Oh, my gosh." "Why didn't you tell me you..." "Why didn't you tell me?" "If I may, there're obviously issues the two of you need to discuss." "Yeah, you should go." "As it is my field, I was going to offer to mediate between you and this delightful friend of yours." "No, no way, Krandall." "This one I like." "Fine, Gary." "I'll let you handle this on your own." "As long as you understand how difficult it is for a single mother under these conditions, which is one of the most demanding and challenging roles that there is." "Thank you." "I love him." "Isn't he great?" "He bakes his own bread." "Wow!" "Yeah, I buy my bread at the store." "I support America." "Okay, I guess I'll go first." "Gary didn't tell me that he had kids or an ex-wife." "Really?" "You want me to..." "Okay." "All right, well, Vanessa didn't tell me that she had a son." "And I felt humiliated and deceived." "I also felt humiliated and deceived, but for me, it's kind of a turn-on." "And why didn't you tell Gary you had a son?" "Well, I've been a single mom for a long time now, and I'm very careful about who I introduce Parker to." "And earlier, Gary came over and he said that he wanted to see where this would go." "Which I do." "And the more I thought about it," "I think that I'm actually ready for a serious, long-term relationship." "I'm sorry." "What?" "Wow." "Gary, I didn't think you'd be ready to commit to somebody this quickly." "Me?" "Well, then you don't know anything about me." "Commit?" "Please." "I don't..." "You guys don't know anything about Gary because I love long..." "Long-term..." "Long, long relationships." "I mean, gee whiz." "My last long-term relationship commitment just ended, you know?" "So the timing is perfect." "I better call the pizza guy, see if he got lost or something." " What is wrong with you?" " Nothing." "No, I'm okay." "God, I haven't seen you this freaked out since that swan chased you at Disneyland." "Leave me alone, Allison." "I'm fine." "And why wasn't that swan chasing anyone else?" "Gary, I know what you're going through right now." "She wants more of a relationship than you think you're ready to handle." "I went through the same thing with Walter." "Do you know how I felt the first time he put his arms around me?" "Were you helping him in or out of the tub?" "I would actually like to see you be happy, and Vanessa out there could be a good first step." "For whatever reason, she seems to like you." "There may not..." "There may not be many more out there like that." "Are you saying I'm not a catch?" "Let her decide." "Just don't give her a reason to throw you back." "You're right, Allison." "Thank you." "But to be clear, no, you're not a catch." " Pizza's here." " Thanks, honey." "Go tell your brother." "I can't." "He's in his room with a girl." " Tom has a girl in his room?" " With the door locked." "Tom?" "It's Mommy." "What are you doing in there?" "Nothing now that you've just said "Mommy."" "Tom, honey, why is the door locked?" " It wasn't." "It was just jammed." " Okay." "Remember Dad said he was gonna fix it?" " What?" " Yeah..." "Yeah, sorry." "I'll get right on it." "Louise said you had a friend over." " Yeah, Danielle went home." " Okay." "But she got online and we're both in world together at a beach party." "Cool." "Well, sorry to bother you." "Have fun at your beach party." "Wear lots of sunscreen." " Okay." " L-O-L." "Okay." "Hey, you were right." "He's not ready to have a girl over at the house yet." "I know." "Gary, you try, you mean well, but I have better instincts when it comes to our kids, you know?" " I know." " Okay." "Hey, handsome, the pizza's here if you get hungry, okay?" " Okay." " All right." "Danielle, sweetie?" "You left your purse out in the open where we could all see it." "I told her I liked her hair." "No." "Let's keep this open, okay?" "Hey, hey, hey." "I wanna talk to you." "Hi." "My name's Gary." "I have an annoying ex-wife and two wonderful kids." "Hi, Gary." "I'm Vanessa." "I'm a single mom and I have two tattoos." "You wanna see where this thing goes?" " Sure." " Okay." "Okay." "Wait a minute." "Two tattoos?" "Where's the other one?" "Finish painting my condo and I'll show you."