"# Among the trees and by the river #" "# Lying there, my darling shivers #" "# In her sleep she dreams of winter #" "# Whiter than her breast #" "# I feel her heart move through her chest #" "# Warm and steady as she rests #" "# Hear water ebbing with her breath #" "# Lulling me to sleep #" "# Ohh-ohh-ohh #" "# Ohh-ohh-ohh #" "# And here in the sky #" "# Lights flash before our eyes #" "# And I feel your warm hand #" "# Slipping into mine #" "# And we lay... #" "You okay?" "# Will I come around?" "#" "# Do I know what you are feeling now?" "#" "# This morning we drove out of town #" "# Into the hills and looking down #" "# Saw the ocean all around #" "# As far as we could see #" "All right, I have a secret to tell you." "You're in the middle of the road." "I know." "Do you wanna hear it?" "Do you wanna move your car first?" "No, not really." "Okay." "I just wanna tell you one more thing." "All right." "What?" "That's not gonna be good." "Okay, tell me." "I've been in love with you..." "Hey, hey, hey." "Shh." "John Muir said," ""Let children walk with nature." "Let them see the beautiful blendings and communions of death and life, their joyous, inseparable unity, and they will learn that death is stingless indeed and as beautiful as life."" "That is my hope for Bennett, that this amazing young man, who was taken from us so suddenly, who was so well-loved, who was surrounded by everything that was beautiful to him." "It is in this spirit that we return Bennett to that form from which God miraculously created all life." "Come on." "Open the door, Ryan." "Hold on." "Come on." "Just let me..." "Ryan." "Just let me..." "Hey." "Come on, buddy." "Let me in." "Jesus Christ, Ryan." "Open up some of these windows, would ya?" "I don't care what you say." "Next time you're gonna let Gloria up here." "Sorry." "Smells like something died and went to heaven." "I didn't know she was here." "Well, she's not." "But she's coming back very soon." "Where have you been?" "I've been here." "What, in the house?" "Yeah." "Well, then just check in from time to time, would you?" "Your mother's worried." "Okay." "What I wanna know..." "What I need to know is, um, what were the 17 minutes like for my son?" "I don't know what to tell you, Mrs. Brewer." "I wasn't there." "You've spoken with every doctor, every nurse, every paramedic, every fireman that was on call that night." "I don't know what other information I can give you." "What about Jordan Walker?" "Mr. Walker is still in a coma." "I know, but I have a surveillance tape, and in that tape it looks as if they spoke, that they might have had a conversation." "Would he have been capable of having a conversation with my son?" "That depends on how slow the bleeding in his brain was." "Uh, I mean, it's possible that he could have stayed conscious long enough to carry on a conversation." "Then he would have been the last person to speak to my son before he died." "Yes." "Uh, I have an appointment at 9:00." "I'm sorry." "When do you think he'll wake up?" "Uh, as I've said numerous times before, Mrs. Brewer," "I have given you all the answers that I know." "But he could wake up." "I mean, what would be the signs?" "I'm sorry." "Dr. Leonard, 2291." "Allen?" "Allen?" "Hi." "Hi." "How are you?" "I'm sorry." "I had a head full of numbers." "Oh, you're sweating." "Here." "Uh..." "Yeah." "Yeah, thank you." "You're right." "I'll turn up the A.C." "Is this, uh..." "Is this roster correct?" "'Cause I don't have Linda down here for the summer." "How are you?" "All right." "You look like you've forgotten to sleep." "I'm all right." "I'm fine." "Thanks for the flowers." "They're not necessary." "I wanted to call so many times." "I didn't know what to do in this situation." "I just want to be strong for Grace, that's all." " That's all I'm doing." " Of course." "So, we got, um..." "We got 30 students here." "Ready and praying to graduate." "Well, let's see what I can do, huh?" "If you want anything, anything at all, just let me know." "I will." "Ah!" "I read about an interesting idea today." "I even made a purchase." "There seems to be a lot of research on the Web about grief, and, uh, I stumbled across a couple of interesting suggestions." "Oh, Allen, no, don't." "They suggested we use a bell." "We can ring this when we're missing Bennett or when we think about him." "You can put it anywhere in the house you like." "Can I see the bell?" "Hello." "Hello." " Rose, right?" " Yeah." "Come on in." "Just through here." "Would you like some tea, soda, water?" "No, I'm fine." "Thank you." "I'm sorry for just stopping by." "No, no, not at all." "I'm glad you did." "I've wanted to talk to you since the service." "Uh, yeah, I know." "I wish I could've given your wife more answers." "I know how much she wanted them." "She certainly does want her answers." "She's very focused on the matter." "But, well, it's only a matter of time." "How are you feeling?" "Oh..." "Water." "Could I have some water?" "Yes, of course." "Please, just sit down, make yourself comfortable." "I've been trying to figure out how you knew Bennett." "Are you part of Youth in Government?" "Uh, no." "Ah, you must be an intern, then, at the paper." "No." "No?" "Um, community service?" "Just tell me if I'm hot or cold." "Cold." "Well, not East Ivy." "I don't think he held on to many of his friends from his junior high." "No, I'm the one he got pregnant." "Excuse me?" "I'm pregnant." "I'm sorry." "I'm..." "I don't understand." "I'm three months pregnant." "Is it Bennett's?" "Yes." "Are you sure?" "Yeah." "Are you going to keep it?" "She told me they only spent one night together." "I just can't believe she has nowhere else to go." "There must be somewhere she can stay until the paternity test." "Paternity test?" "I'm not putting that poor girl through that." " Why are you defending her?" " I'm not defending her." "I just don't see why she would make something like this up." " Because she's 18 and broke." " Well." "I can't deal with this." "I just can't deal with this." "Grace, Grace, Grace." "Come here." "Come here." " We don't even know this girl." " I know." "But she seems like a nice girl." "If it turns out to be his, I'm not gonna be happy about it." "I mean, I don't want everybody thinking that we're blessed." "You don't think we're blessed, do you?" "No, I don't." "She's probably the one that dyed his hair blue, too." "He never would have done that." "Finish making the bed." "I'm gonna go down and gather..." "Wait, wait, wait." "Why does she have to come to our house?" "We're grieving." "That's not gonna be good for the baby." "This must be her only choice." "Are you really pregnant?" "Yeah." "That figures." "The one bad thing my brother does, and he's not even here to get in trouble for it." "I'm Rose." "I know, yeah." "I know who you are." "My brother kept your yearbook photo on his bedside table." " He did?" " Yeah, and I wouldn't touch it, because he probably jerked off to it every night." "So you're his little brother." "Yeah, the fuck-up." "He didn't tell you that?" "He didn't tell you I was a fuck-up?" "No, he never said you were fucked up." "He was just being polite then." " You okay?" " Yeah, I'm fine." "Why?" "Do I not look like I'm okay?" "No, you seem a little jumpy." "I'm a little restless." "Yeah." "You have a fever." "I don't know why." "I feel fine." " Ryan?" " Yeah?" "My mom just checked into rehab." "Bananas and Gatorade should help." "Yeah." "What would you say if someone asked you about this night?" "Why do you want a compliment from me so badly?" "Because you haven't given me anything." "I've given you everything." "Right, but I want more." "I want to know what you're thinking." "Please?" "I would say..." "I would say..." "The greatest?" "I like that." "I like those words." "I want my baby." "He's just..." "He's..." "One appliance, less than 1,500." "Somebody help me find my baby!" "Somebody help me find my baby!" "See, I don't know where he went." "Have you seen my baby?" "I can't find him." "I can't find him." " Calm, calm." "Shh, shh." " He's so small." "He was right here, and now I can't find him!" "Come on, sweetheart." "My mom takes walks every night at 6:00." "I followed her two nights ago." "She just circles the block over and over again looking for James." "Hold that thought." "Hi." "You must be Ryan." "Uh-huh." "Come in, please." "Sit down." "We were just finishing up with Latent." "Feel free to listen or join in, whatever you're comfortable with." "Okay." "Sorry, Latent." "When I asked my dad where she was the first night, he said she was looking for James." "Sometimes she'll just run to his bedroom and throw open the door, like she expects to see him sitting at his computer or something." "Often parents that didn't view the body, like your mother, still look for their child in crowds." "Sometimes they even think they see them." "It's normal, Latent." "The best thing you can do for your mother is talk about it with her." "I think it could help." "So, Ryan, hi." "Hi." "What brings you here?" "Nothin'." "I just thought it was the normal thing to do." "Are you experiencing any symptoms of grief?" "No." "Who are you here to see?" "Jordan Walker." "I don't know why they can't get this right." "He prefers the blinds open during the day." "Does he really?" "Did he tell you that after he requested the aquarium over there?" "I just wanted a little life in this room." "Uh, decaf caramel macchiato, extra foam." "Sheila told me." "If you're trying to bribe me into feeding that fish on the weekend, it's not gonna work." "No, it's fine." "I'll be here on the weekends." "Thank you." "You're welcome." "Oh, and, Toni, could you ask Dr. Jacobson to stop in when he gets here?" "I have a few questions for him." " Right away." " Thank you." " You give him the balloons, okay?" " Yeah." "Mrs. Rodriguez?" " Yes?" "She's cool." "It's my dad." "He thinks it's stupid." "You know, you don't have to share if you don't want to." "You can just listen." "I highly recommend not sharing, actually." "These people are like grief vultures." "And why are you here?" "Nowhere else to go." "And my sister Amy blew her brains out while we were at church." "Oh." "I'm sorry." "What about you?" "Oh, my brother, um..." "He died in a car accident." "There are a ton of car accidents here." "Latent's brother was in a car." "So was Sarah's and Jason's." "Uh, Hilary's sister O.D.'d, and Jeremy's brother died before he was even born, and he's, like, the most dramatic one here." "It's like, do you even remember him?" "So, you're the only suicide?" "How do you know it wasn't murder?" "Because you just said she blew her brains out." "Oh." "Yeah." "Only a suicide." "Really special." "You know, it does get easier, or more interesting, all the different layers of fucked-up-ness." "I'm fine." "I'm doing okay, actually." "Yeah." "Well, even if you're not, the groups are really good ways to talk about it." "Your friends are gonna start avoiding you like the plague." "I'm not even really talking about it with them." "Well, then I'm really glad you're here." "Did you ever notice me at all any of those times we passed each other?" "Did you at least recognize me at some point?" "Keep your eyes closed." "I'm almost done." "Okay, they're..." "they're closed." "They're shut." "Good." "So, you won, like, "Most Popular" or "Best All-Around"" "or "Best Guy to Know," right?" "Uh, right, yeah." "It was just "Best All-Around."" "So, you're a nice guy." "I think so." "Is that why you're here, because you're nice to everyone?" "No." "Okay, you don't look like the prom king anymore." "Oh, shit!" "My mom's gonna kill me." "I think it suits you." "Really?" "Yeah." "You sure?" "Yeah." "You're so pretty, Rose." "Just let us know if there's anything you can't eat." "I can only imagine how sensitive your stomach must be right now." "Oh, I mostly just crave bean burritos from Taco Bell." "It was peanut butter and bananas for Grace." " Really?" " Right?" "Right." "When Grace delivered Ryan, we thought she was gonna give birth to a banana split." "That was Bennett, actually." "Ryan, how are you enjoying your summer?" "Summer's over." "Right." "Don't know why I'm having a hard time remembering that." "Okay, here's another one." "How's school?" "It's good." "I got all the classes I wanted." "Me and the guys hung out after school, went swimming, and we might go see a movie later." "Excellent." "Why is it "excellent"?" "Well, seems like a nice way to spend a day." "All that's missing is a bean burrito." "I've got something for Rose." "Great." "Let's see it." "So there's this Web site where you can take two people's picture and see what their unborn kid looks like." "I took you and Bennett's yearbook picture." "According to them, your kid will definitely be riding the short bus." " Ryan, that's not appropriate." "Let me see." "Oh, look." "Look!" "At least it sets the standards pretty low, right?" "That's enough, Ryan." "Thank you." "You'll still love him, maybe." "Look, he's got Bennett's eyes." "Anyone know if the weather's gonna clear up for the weekend?" "Why do you do that?" "Why do you always change the subject when Bennett's name comes up?" "I don't." "Yes, you do." " Grace." " You do." "Watch." "Did you dye our son's hair blue?" "Rose doesn't want to talk about this at the table." " No, I..." " Why not?" "I just want to know." "Grace, leave it alone." "Why make a point now?" "I'm not making a point." "I'm asking a question." "Did you or did you not dye our son's hair blue?" "I'm finished." "Yes." "You know, when I went to the morgue," "I didn't think it was him." "I thought they got the wrong boy, because, I mean, our son would never dye his hair blue." "And I thought maybe they made a mistake, and then..." "I saw his face, and... it was him, it was our son, and he was dead... again." "It was like he died... twice." "I'm sorry." "You see, I didn't want to make a point." "I just... wanted to ask a question." "I could come to your office hours, if that would be easier." "No, no, don't do that, Dante." "Let's go again from the top." "I'll come back tomorrow." "I'll just make an appointment." "I'm fine." "I'm fine." "Maybe you should think about taking a little more time off." "I can find a midterm replacement." "No, no." "Don't do that." "I'm fine." "Just haven't had my morning coffee, that's all." "Will you have dinner with me tonight?" "No strings attached." "We used to be good friends." "Remember?" "L..." "I just need one night of sleep, that's all." "That's my problem." "I just need one night of sleep." "What about the beach house?" "It certainly is a wonderful place to forget about the world for a while." "Grace loves the beach house." "Right." "Well, when Rick's mother died," "I took the whole family to Florida for two weeks." "It made a difference." "I can't talk to you anymore." "You know that." "I'm just trying to make sure you're taking care of yourself." "It's not always about Grace." "Ryan, we're gonna go to the beach house." " When?" " I don't wanna hear about it." "The decision's been made." "The whole family's going." "I said, when?" "Now." "Today." " Can I bring someone?" " Yeah." "Sure." "Who?" " Ashley." " Fine." "No drugs." "Please, Dad." "Why not?" "I'm serious, Ryan." "Okay?" "Now help your mother pack." "Do you think she wants a sample before we go?" "Please, Grace." "Turn that off, would you?" "I don't understand how the car crumpled like that." "Maybe we should show this to Bill again because, you know, maybe something was wrong with the frame of the car." "There wasn't." "And he gets out of his truck, then he goes towards Bennett, and he's..." "It looks like he speaks to him." "I mean, why..." "That's Ryan's sample." "If you want to test it, he'd love you to test that." "...talk to him." "And then he gives him his jacket." "Are you gonna test the sample or not?" "Huh?" "He was alive for 17 minutes." "Aren't you just even the slightest bit curious about what happened in those 17 minutes?" "Oh, you know, maybe this is a good time to stop the testing." "You know?" "I mean, Ryan's looking good." "Best not push it." "What do you think?" "I think it's really important to be consistent." "All right." "I was just thinking that it's too much for you, you know." "It's fine." "I'm fine." "I can do it." "You didn't take her to the beach house, did you?" "Of course not." "# Wrapped around each other #" "# Trying so hard to stay warm #" "# That first cold winter together #" "# Lying in each other's arms #" "# Watching those old movies #" "Mmm." "This is a great song." "Has anybody ever made love to this song?" "Mom has." "She's laughing." "# You were my leading lady #" "# We had it all #" "# Just like Bogie and Bacall #" "# Starring in our own late, late show #" "Am I sitting on his bed?" "Yeah." " It's creepy." " Yeah." "Did you guys get along?" "Uh... yeah." "I mean, we did when we were little." "My mom says I used to follow him around all the time." "He is really cute." "My mom thinks that he was the greatest thing that ever lived, but, uh, he actually could be a real cocksucker when he wanted to." "He won a lot of shit." "Yeah." "Yeah, he did." "You probably would have wanted to date him." " No." " Yeah, you would've." "Trust me." "He had that effect on people." "I think my mom even wanted to date him sometimes." "What about you?" "What about me?" "Who wants to date you?" "I don't know." "Uh, you, maybe?" "Maybe." "Gonna win!" "Gonna beat you down there!" "Then you're going in the water!" "Hi." "Grace?" "Do you have a minute?" "Uh, sure." "Uh, I bought a book." "I have this baby book, and there are so many questions I don't know the answers to." "And so, I was hoping you might like to help me fill it out?" "Is now a bad time?" "It's fine." "What do you need?" "Um..." "Okay, let's see." "Uh, his name." "How did you come up with Bennett's name?" "Tony Bennett." "The singer?" "Mmm." "Oh." "I'm having a really hard time thinking of baby names." "Allen and I couldn't agree on the girl's name." "I wanted Ruby, and he wanted something more traditional." "Ruby." "That's pretty." "So, I hope that helps you out." "Do you wanna feel?" "You know, aren't you gonna go swimming with everybody?" "He always kicks when he hears your voice." "Feel." " I'm fine, thanks." " Please?" "It's strong." "Yeah." "Again." "I never thought I'd get pregnant." "I didn't even think you could the first time." "Who has that kind of luck?" "Think it was Bennett's first time?" "Yeah, I think so." "It's funny, isn't it, that... you're the only one who will talk about him with me?" "I'd love to, more than anything." "I have so many questions." "I think you should go swimming." "I'm Bennett." "It's nice to meet you, Bennett." "You too." " Okay." " Hey, wait." " Where are you going to college?" " Barnard." "You?" "I thought you were going to N.Y.U." "No, I'm going to Barnard." "They gave me a scholarship." "All right." "Great." "Yeah, I'm going to Berkeley." "No scholarship... yet." "I have to go to work 'cause I'm always really late." "All right." "Okay." "Uh..." "Uh, please don't go." "It's taken me, like, a year to get the courage to talk to you." "Please don't go." "You've waited till 3:15 on the last day of school." "Right." "Yeah." "I never said I had good timing." "I have to go to work." "Uh, can I maybe come..." "Can I come with you?" " Yeah." " I'm sorry." "L..." " Yeah." " Yeah?" "You sure?" "Yeah." "Ryan!" "Ryan!" "Ryan!" "Ryan!" "There's strong currents out there!" "Back!" "Come out of the water!" "What?" "Don't question me!" "Don't!" "Just come out of the water!" "Now!" "I know how to swim!" "Goddamn it!" "Come out now!" "Right now, and I mean it!" "Do you understand me?" "Come out!" "Please!" "Goddamn it!" "Come out now!" "What are you doing?" "You know what I was doing." "I know how to swim." "You know better than that." "Hey." "Oh, hi." "Hi." "Hi." "Did you swim?" "Yeah." "Yeah, I..." "Yeah, I did." "It was a..." "It was good." "It was good." "A bit cold, but it was good." "You okay?" "Oh, yeah, I'm fine." "I'm okay." "Just fine." "Nothing like an ocean breeze, you know." "I know." "I always wanted to live by the ocean." "My mom thought it was too close to the moon." "Oh, that's a good one." "Doesn't make any sense." "No, not really." "You know, your mother is more than welcome to come and stay with us if she wants." "That wouldn't work." "My mom's not really sane." "Oh, I don't think that would scare anyone in our house." "The truth is, I haven't told her I'm pregnant." "Why not?" "Because she'll... she'll tell me I've chosen the wrong path." "I don't wanna hear that." "I don't think you've chosen the wrong path." "I'm not 100% sure why you chose it, but I'm not sorry you did." "I know there are other options." "Listen, we would have supported you either way." "I'm not against any of them." "It's..." "Of course not." "It's just..." "I don't know." "You don't have to..." "No, I do know." "Come here." "Come here." "You don't have to know." "You don't have to know." "It's okay." "We can talk about this at another time and..." "Should we catch a movie?" "Ryan!" "Allen!" "Do you wanna see my only party trick?" "Sure." "Okay." "Hold that." "Mm-hmm." "Look at that." "That's good." "I've never actually done that at a party." "I wonder how that comes up organically." "Do you have any party tricks?" "Um..." "I don't know if it counts, but I never forget people's numbers." "Hmm." "I... tend to memorize numbers." "What are my numbers?" "Well, you have 18 years, 216 months, 864 weeks, 25,920 days," "311,040 hours." "You came to our doorstep on 8-14-2008 at 4:30 p.m." "Your due date is 2-12-2009, which leaves 119 more days," "2,136 hours, 128,160 minutes." "And you have two heartbeats." "As I get to know you, I'll tell you more." "That's a much better party trick." "Price check on register four, please." "Jesus Christ!" "What happened?" "Where's Grace?" "She's fine." "She's out back, waiting." " My son?" " He's upstairs." "He's fine." "Okay." "What, exactly, happened?" "Your wife had a difficult time at a grocery store and needed assistance." " And she's out the back?" " Yes." "All right, thank you, officer." "This is Rose." "Are you all right?" "I called a taxi." "Why didn't you call me?" "'Cause your phone was off." "I'm sorry." "I was at the movies." "You went to the movies?" "Yes, with Rose." "It was nice to get out." "Well, how could you turn your phone off?" "Grace, it was only a couple of hours." "But anything can happen in a couple of hours." "Anything." "What happened at the grocery store?" "Was it a funny movie?" "I mean, did you laugh?" "Or was it sad?" "Did you cry?" "Ouch." "Oh, God, Allen, don't do that." "I can't stand that "ouch" thing." "Ouch." "Really." "I'm warning you." "Don't start with that." "I just wanna know what happened at the grocery store." "That's all." "Well, I've got an idea for you." "Why don't the two of you, you and Rose, go off to Paris or Rome or somewhere really romantic and just get a vacation from all this death?" "Hey, hey." "That's not fair." "No, you know what's not fair?" "It's not fair that you can go to the movies with her and I can't even pass Bennett's favorite cereal." "Come on, Grace, please." "Just don't... don't do this." " Don't..." "Just don't..." " Allen, stop it." " Goddamn it!" " Allen!" "Allen!" "Where are you going?" "No, don't!" "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "Let me help you." "Let me help you." "I'm sorry." "I'm so sorry." "I'm so sorry." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "I'm so sorry." "I'm so sorry." "I really am sorry." "I love you." "I love you." "I love you." "I love you." "Grace, I love you and no one else." "Do you understand me?" "I'm sorry." "I'm so sorry I was gone so long." "But I'm back now." "And, oh, wonderful." "Look." "They can't even follow the simplest instructions." "How many times have I told them that you need the light?" "But okay." "Enough of that." "Let's read our Ellison again." "I don't even remember where we are." "Is it the seventh or the eighth chapter?" "Let's see." "Eighth chapter." "You know, we're gonna finish this whole summer reading list, which is a first." "And I gotta tell you that the high-school one is much more boring than the college." "Okay." "Where were we?" "Let's see." ""He started toward me as in a dream, trembling like the needle of one of the gauges as he pointed toward the stairs, his voice shrieking." "I stared." "Something seemed to have gone wrong." "My reflexes"..." "You know, Allen..." "he hasn't always been like this." "I don't want you to judge him." "He's actually a very kind man." "And you would see that if you met him." "He's never loved anyone less than he should." "Never." "I want you to know that." "It's just a phase." "It's a phase that we're going through." "That's all." "Just like any other." ""'What's the matter?" "', I stammered, my voice low and my"..." "He's all yours." "Wait, what's going on?" "Wait a minute." "What?" " Mr. Walker's being moved." " What?" "Where?" "Why?" "Mr. Walker has warrants out for his arrest." "We're taking him to County Hospital, where there's 24-hour security." " Must be a mistake." " There is no mistake." "Stop it!" "What about all his things?" "You..." "You..." "He's not gonna need any of his things where he's going." "He's gonna be so terrified if he wakes up and doesn't have his..." "What do you think this kind of man is gonna add to your life?" "Stop it!" "No..." "The minute he wakes up, if he wakes up, he's being shipped straight to Rikers." "Are you gonna visit him there, too?" "I think Grace might be having an affair." "No." "I wouldn't blame her if she was." "I don't think she would do that." "I did." "I had one." "I needed to know that she loved me." "Our entire married life, I've always felt like... we were on our first date." "Hmm." "I never deserved her." "Never." "Do you want to go to a party with me?" "There's three kegs." " I don't think I'm dressed for this." " Oh, don't worry." "These people are pretty nonjudgmental." "Oh, my God!" "You're huge!" "I didn't think it was possible for you to stretch like that." "Shea, this is Allen." "Allen, this is Shea." "Hi." "How are you?" "Hi." "Nice to meet you." "Wait." "You guys did realize this was a "Wear Something You'd Never Be Caught Dead In" party, right?" "No." "But I'm wearing Grace's old maternity clothes, so that kinda works out." " And you?" " This is it." "Well, you're actually kind of perfect, so..." "Come on in." "Come in." " Yeah, man!" " Oh, boy." " Right on." " Oh..." "Hey, hey." "I wouldn't be caught dead naked!" "Yeah!" "Hey, um, are you a pregnant teen or something?" "Yeah, I am." "Do you live under a freeway and are gonna have a homeless baby and use it to raise more money?" "No, I'm just a regular pregnant teen." "Oh." "Right on!" "I wouldn't be caught dead having a baby!" "Hey, is it okay if I just come a little closer?" "Sit next to you guys for a second?" "I just..." "I gotta tell you something." "Dude, I'm on acid." "I'm trippin', y'all." "That's the way Britney Spears would say it." "She'd be like, "I'm trippin', y'all."" " We can go somewhere else." " Yeah." "No, wait, wait." "Dude, wait." "Stay." "Say something familiar, man, please." "Just say something familiar." "I'm just seeing too many ghosts." "I don't know." "French fries." "Yeah!" " Mr. Bubble." " Yeah." "Monkeys." "The ones that rip your balls off for not sharing birthday cake, or the nice ones?" "No." "The nice ones." "Yeah!" "What..." "That's..." ""Go, baby, go."" "Yeah!" "Let's go." "All right." "Let's go." "Bye." "What'd you do?" "People signed my belly." "Oh." "It seemed sweet at the time." ""Have a great summer." "Good luck with the new kid."" "I was never into yearbooks." "Do you want to sign?" "Um... all right." "Don't you think it might just be easier if you talked about it with Grace?" "Floodgates." "I don't know what I'd do if they opened." "I'll talk about someone, but it'll really be him." "Why would you do that?" "Because there are things I need to tell you." "Okay." "Okay." "I knew this boy." "He was really wonderful to me." "Is that okay?" "Yes." "The first time I saw him was in freshman English." "He wore a baseball hat on the first day of school, and our teacher made him take it off." "And his hair was all pasted on top of his head." "And he smiled at me while he tried to fix it." "We watched each other after that." "And I started to feel like I knew him." "I looked at his yearbook picture so often," "I knew his face by heart." "Our senior year, I took piano, and he had soccer, so we would pass each other every day after school in the exact same spot." "And it became something I looked forward to, so much so that I could tell you all the days he was absent, because those were the days that I was disappointed." "And sometimes he would look at me." "Sometimes he would turn away." "And sometimes it would be so intense that we would start looking at each other from the very beginning of the steps." "And then on the last day, he talked to me." "And everything he said was exactly how I pictured it would be." "And he felt the way he felt in my dreams, and I thought everything was happening exactly the way it was supposed to." "And I was the happiest I've ever been... happy and scared all at the same time." "And if he had signed my belly, he would have written something comforting." "That's one of the most difficult integrals" "I've ever solved." "Took me three years to do it." "And I was in love with him." "That's why I'm keeping this baby." "I was in love with him for four years." "I barely knew him, but everything was exactly how I imagined it." "Everything was just how I pictured it." "And I have to keep this baby." "I think he was the love of my life." "I'm very tired." "I can't fight it anymore." "I'm so tired." "My mom says it's cool." "Yeah." "That was a good story." "Thanks." "No, I mean..." "I don't..." "I don't mean it that way." "I mean, it was good to hear." "Not good for you, but good for me, I guess." "So what was your brother's funeral like?" "I don't remember." "It's all just a blur?" "No, I really don't remember." "I was too fucked up." "I didn't know you get high." "I don't." "My mom tests me every two weeks." "It's pretty much the only thing they do that proves they know I'm alive." "Need a ride home?" "Yeah, sure." "Baby is head down, which means you're getting very close." "How are you feeling, Mr. Brewer?" "You look like you could use some rest." "Oh, I'm fine." "Thank you." "How's the baby?" "Just where we want her to be right now." "It's a girl?" "I'm sorry." "I thought you knew." "It's a girl?" "Oh, congratulations." "Is she healthy?" "Doesn't get any stronger than that heartbeat." "You've taken really good care of her." "Oh, this is wonderful." "This is wonderful." "Wonderful." "Excuse me." "It's wonderful." "Okay." "I'll be right back." "A girl." "A girl." "Okay." "What is wrong with you?" "I just need a minute." "So, take a minute." "I'm going back in." "No." "I don't want this baby, Allen." "I don't care if I sound horrible." "You sound horrible." "If Bennett were alive, she never would have kept it." " I can't be grateful to her." " You don't have to be." " I won't." " Fine." " I won't do it." "I won't." " Don't." "Don't." "Don't do anything." "I don't care anymore." "Don't I have the right to tell you how I'm feeling?" "Not when everything you say is sounding so ugly." "You're right." "Losing a child is ugly." "You don't have a patent on grief." "You're not the only one who knows how to do it." " Other people grieve." " You don't." " You haven't shed a tear once." " I'm gonna go back in." "You used to get misty when you would go to his sports events." "Listen." "Somebody has to stand strong in this family." "Somebody has to be together." "If I fall apart, everything goes to hell in a handbasket." "Well, I am so sorry that I can't handle anything but my grief, and I don't treat this family like a goddamn army." "It's not all about you and your grief, Grace." "There are people in our lives who need our attention." "Well, you don't give a puppy to someone who's just lost their dog." "You just don't do that." "So what do we do?" "Give her back?" "Hmm?" "Give her 20 bucks?" "Wish her luck?" "Don't praise her like she's a gift that was given to us, like it makes it okay that our son is gone." "It doesn't soften the blow." "She does for me." "Yeah." "Oh, well, I'm so glad for you." "I'm so glad that the girl that is the reason our son is dead softens the blow for you." "That's unfair." "What was he doing in the middle of the road?" "If he'd been with his friends, if he'd been with us, would he have been in the middle of the road?" "Answer me that." "You don't know anything about it." "You haven't made the slightest effort to get to know this girl." "I don't want to get to know her." "Why can't you understand that?" "It should have been her that died that night." "It should have been her!" "Hello?" " Hi." " Can I help you?" "Yeah." "Ashley left this scarf in my car." "Um, who are you?" "I'm Amy." "I live here." " Amy." " Yeah." "Ashley's older sister Amy?" "What'd she tell you?" "I grabbed a live wire?" "Fell overboard on our family cruise?" "What'd you tell him this time, you freak?" " Ryan..." " I'm telling Mom." " I hate you!" " Freak." "Ryan!" "Ryan, please." "Wait." "I can explain." " Ryan, please just listen to me!" " Uh-uh." "Look." "They don't pay any attention to me in there." " I might as well be dead." " You have no idea what it's like." " Yes, I do." "I'm sorry." "I'm so sorry." " No, you don't." "No, you don't." "You're a liar!" "That's what you are!" "Look, it's all bad!" "Trust me!" "You have no idea what it's like!" "Say it!" "Say you have no idea what it's like." "I have no idea." "Open the gate." "Open the fucking gate!" "Ryan, look, please." "I'm sorry." "I just wanted you to like me." "Fuck you!" "Hello?" "Hello?" "# Wanderers this morning came by #" "# Where did they go?" "#" " What have you done?" " I called Gloria." "You said we were gonna talk about it!" "I couldn't live with the house so neglected." "Now, come on." "Please." "Hey!" " Idiot!" " What is wrong with you, Grace?" " How could you do this?" " Come here a second." "Wait." "Whoa." "Whoa." "What is this?" "Hey!" "Grace." " You washed his shirt?" " Yeah." " You're fired!" "Get out of here!" " Don't do this!" "Grace!" "What are you doing?" "Stop it!" "I'm sorry." "Grace." "You've erased him." "You did it on purpose." "What are you doing?" "You're acting like a child." "I've done nothing like that at all." "I wanted to be able to see his pictures and to smell him now that he's gone." "Grace, he's here." "He isn't here!" "He's dead!" "He's gone!" "I know that, goddamn it!" "Don't you..." "Don't..." "There's nothing to hold on to!" "Don't you understand that?" "Just shed one tear." "I mean, what is wrong with you?" "Can't you just cry one tear?" "# Dear shadow alive and well #" "# How can the body die?" "#" "# You tell me everything #" "# Anything #" "Allen?" "Allen?" "Allen?" "I'm s..." "I'm sorry." "# Into town one morning I went #" "Oh, my God, Allen." "# Staggering through premonitions of my death #" "# I don't see #" "Mrs. Brewer?" "He had all the symptoms of a heart attack... difficulty breathing, tightness in his chest, heartbeat changes, dizziness." "But it wasn't a heart attack?" "Not as far as we can tell." "His E.K.G. Looks normal." "What was it?" "Well, his body's under an incredible amount of stress, Mrs. Brewer." "He has high blood pressure." "His sinuses have led to an ear infection." "He's suffering from extreme sleep deprivation." "But it was not a heart attack." "Sometimes patients manifest real symptoms because it's easier to feel physical pain than emotional." "Ryan." "I wasn't expecting you." "Can I share?" "My..." "My, uh, story." "My whatever... whatever it is you people do here." " Yes, of course." " Okay." "Um, where do I start?" "Where do you want me to start?" " You start wherever you like." " Okay." "Can I say my brother's an asshole?" "You can say whatever you want." "Okay." "My brother is an asshole, right?" "And now he's some fuckin' martyr god now that he's dead." "He's dead, by the way." "He's..." "He's dead, right?" "Did you not get a chance to see the body?" "I, um..." "No, I was too fucked up." "My mom came in to get me, and I couldn't even move." "I couldn't move my head." "So I didn't get to say good-bye." "I just, uh, laid there in my bed thinking about all the attention he was gonna get whenever he came home, and how all of his stupid friends were gonna sign his cast and how he'd probably get a pity lay out of it." "So, um, I didn't get to say good-bye." "And now..." "You know, the thing was about Bennett..." "Um..." "The thing was, he, um..." "He..." "He was never an asshole." "He was actually really cool to me." "And he could have ratted me out, like, a thousand times, and he never did." "Me and him used to do all kinds of fun shit together, and the truth is, I wanted to be just like him." "I loved him more than anything." "And I was too fucked up to say good-bye." "And in the end, that's all I ever gave him, was nothing." "Do you know how that feels to have your one shot and fuckin' just blow it?" "It's gone." "I'll never get that chance again." "I just miss him so much." " Hey, Mrs. Brewer." " He woke up." "Yesterday morning." "Nobody called me." "Is he all right?" "He seems okay." "He's getting transferred over to Rikers in about 10 minutes." "Can I talk to him?" "Make it quick." "Hello." "I'm Grace." "Brewer." "Bennett's mother." "The boy in the car." "So?" "So, you were the last person to see my son alive." "Yeah, well, I had the green." "I'm gonna sue your whole family." "You remember?" "Um..." "Are you feeling better?" "Does it look like I'm feeling fuckin' better?" "Huh?" "Uh..." "Um..." "I saw the surveillance video, and it looks like you spoke to my son, like you comforted him after the accident?" "I didn't comfort anybody." "Okay?" "Now, I got some other shit on my mind, if you didn't notice." "Do you remember if he was in pain?" "I'm not doing this, lady." "I have waited a very long time to talk to you." "Please." " Just go." "Get out." " No, please." "I can't." " Get out!" " I can't." "He didn't die a hero or anything, if that's what you want to hear." "It isn't." "I don't know." "It happened." "It happened fast." "He asked me if it was his fault." "And then you told him that it wasn't?" "I told him not to worry about it." "And what else?" "You really want to know this, lady?" "More than anything." "His body was caught in between the front end of my truck and his door." "There was so much crushed metal..." "I don't know." "Maybe it was holding him together." "I didn't want to move him." "I don't think I could even if I tried." "Uh..." "His right arm was so... far behind his body, it looked like it wasn't even attached." "I never seen anything like it." "And I had to climb out over the top of my truck, uh, just to get to him." "I don't think he was in pain." "I just, uh, think he was cold." "And then you gave him your jacket?" "Yeah, but it didn't make it any better." "It was, um..." "The... blood..." "The blood was making him cold." "How much blood?" "How much?" "More than, uh, I've ever seen." "Was he scared?" "Uh, I don't know." "I mean, there was, uh..." "fluid everywhere, but..." "A bunch of stuff coming out of him, you know?" "Uh..." "He might have been crying, I guess." "I don't know." "Was he crying because he was in pain, or was he crying because he was scared?" " What's the difference?" " Which one was it?" "Scared, I guess." "Do you think he knew he was dying?" "Did he know he was dying?" "He knew it was bad, but it's not like we were talking about God or anything." "I just told him, "You listen for those sirens." "Once you hear the siren, everything will be all right."" "Oh, God." "He needed me, and I wasn't there." "I should have been there to make sure that he wasn't afraid and tell him that I loved him and hold him and..." "Hey, hey, hey." "Hey." "Hey, hey, uh, you want some, uh, water or something?" "He needed me, and he called out for me, and I wasn't even there." "Oh, he didn't call for you." "He called out for her over and over again." "That, uh, girl in his car." "Rose?" "Rose." "All he cared about was Rose... if she was hurt, if she was in pain, if she was asking for him." "He kept telling me over and over again," ""You've got to help her." "You should be taking care of her."" "But, uh, I thought she was dead." "He asked for Rose." "He even asked me to turn up the radio." "This poor kid, he's got blood coming out of his ears." "He wanted her to hear this song that was playing." "He thought she might like to hear it." "I have to go." "Relax." "You can stay here as long as you want." "And, Rose, I've called my mom from women's correctional facilities." "This is, like, tiny, I swear." "Hi." "Lydia?" "Yeah." "Hi." "Uh, this is Shea." "I'm Rose's friend from work." "Tell her I'm okay." "Rose is absolutely fine, and, um, she actually wants me to tell you something which..." "Okay." "Well, we're not gonna need a lot of your time, so..." "Oh, I..." "I didn't know." "Um, she lost her job?" "Ah." "And she only has 15 minutes left on the phone." "Um, I'm really sorry to hear about all that, but, uh, Rose wants me to tell you something, which is that she is pregnant." "Yay!" "Um, I'd say just like three or four months." "Yeah." "Oh, she's keeping it." "She put off Barnard for a year, and, um..." "Yeah." "She's just, like, handling it like a total Republican." "And, um, she wants you to know that she is not at all scared." "And, uh, she's getting support from the father's family and..." "Um, I don't know." "I guess just whatever she needs." "Okay." "Um, she wants me to ask you something." "Tell her it's okay if she wants to come here." "Tell her it's fine." " Are you sure?" " Yeah." "Uh..." "What?" "Um, she wants you to ask for 10,000 up front." "She says that she'll come help you if you can get the 10,000 now, 'cause, um, well, she thinks it's what you'll need." "She seemed, like, really glad to hear that you were doing okay." "That's fine." "Doctor said you could go?" "Yeah." "Good." "You talked with Jordan Walker, didn't you?" "Yes." "What did you learn?" "Bennett loved her, didn't he?" "Oh, yes." "Oh, yes." "I wanted him to call for me." "Is that such a terrible thing?" "I call for you." "I call for you every day." "I'm here now." "Oh, my God." "Poor baby." " Oh, my God, my poor boy." " It's okay." "It's okay." "Oh, my poor, poor, poor, poor boy." "Okay." "It's all right." "It's okay." "Yes, it's okay." "All right." "Yes." "It's all right." "I know." "I know." "I know." "I know." "It's okay." "It's okay." "That's it." "I wasn't there when he needed me the most." "Had I..." "I could..." "I could..." "I could have saved him." "I could have saved him." "I could have saved him." "Allen..." "I had 17 minutes, and I could have saved him, Grace." "No." "Listen to me." "Look at me." "Allen." "Honey, you couldn't." "Listen to me." "It was a mistake." "It was a mistake." "He died on impact." "He didn't suffer at all." "You couldn't have done anything." "He didn't suffer." "There was no suffering." "There was nothing you could have done to help him." " Really." " Oh, Grace." "Oh, Grace." "It's okay." "Oh." "It's okay." "Grace, we have to bring her home." " We have to." " Okay." "All the places she could have gone." "I'm gonna go look for her." "We'll go with you." "Okay?" "I'm ready." "I'm okay." "Come on." "Let's go." "Good work." "After you." "No, don't..." "Shea." "Hi." "It's Allen Brewer here." "Wow." "You really would be caught dead dressed like that." " I'm looking for Rose." " You lost her?" " In a way." " I don't know where she is." "I'd like very much to find her." "We're very worried." "So, please, if you can tell us something, at least..." "It's about time." "All right." "Try the place where they crashed." "She goes there in the afternoons." "Okay." "Rose!" " Rose!" "Wait!" "Rose!" "Rose!" "Rose!" "Don't worry, the baby is fine!" "Rose, we were worried, okay?" "Why?" "Why would you be worried about me?" "Because I'm reading old yearbooks to try to learn about my baby's dad?" "Where you going, huh?" "Hey, look, you're gonna miss her." "Because the most disgusting stuff I've ever seen just came out of my body on a bus?" "Did your water break?" "Are you in labor?" "I'm fine!" "Really wonderful progress, Rose." "A beautiful way to end the year." "We were concerned about you." "You just disappeared." "Don't worry." "I can do anything, and this baby will be okay." "Bennett!" "Let us take you to the hospital, and if it's too soon, then we'll just, uh..." "we'll take you home." "I don't want to go home." "I don't want my baby to grow up in your messed-up home." "Am I supposed to raise her without ever talking about her father?" "Tell her she can't even mention his name in front of her grandfather because he hasn't completely acknowledged that he's dead?" "Or worry at night that her grandmother is gonna smother her in her sleep because she'd rather she didn't exist?" "Or that her uncle will leave urine samples next to her crib?" "I'm sorry." "That wasn't fair." "I like you, Ryan." "I like you, too." "Thank you." "Look, I promise I won't smother her in her crib." "I know I wasn't very helpful to you in your situation, and if I had to do it again, I would do it completely differently." "Rose." "Look." "Once you have this baby, you'll understand that the most horrible thing that can happen to a mother is to lose her child." "I'm sorry... for what happened between us." "I really am." "Please, Rose." "Give us a chance here." "Just..." "Just get in the car with us." "Please." "I don't even know who he is." "What do you want to know?" "We'll tell you." "I want to know everything I would know if he was still alive." "I want more memories of him." "Yeah." "We'll tell you everything you want to know about him." "We'll just keep talking till the baby comes." "There's a picture of Bennett on the track." "Was he fast?" "Is my baby gonna be fast?" "Yes." "How fast?" "50-second 400-meter fast." "Wow." "Okay." "Okay." "He was voted Best All-Around." "Why did they..." "Why did people like him so much?" "Tell me!" "Uh, because he was a nice guy." "In third grade when his friend Jack got glasses," "Bennett felt so bad for him that he took Allen's reading glasses..." " You remember?" " Mm-hmm." "And he wore them to school the next day so Jack wouldn't be the only one." "Okay." "Okay." "Um, who's this girl he's with?" "That is his prom date, and he only went with her because she gave good head." " Ryan!" " That's true!" "No, that's good." "I like that." "That's information." "I think she was a very smart girl." "They studied English lit together one summer at Oxford." " She gave good head." " What else?" " Ryan!" " It's true." "It's true." "What else?" "What else?" "What else?" "What else?" "He hated to have his picture taken." "Whenever I went to take his picture, he'd always make this horrible face." " What was the face?" " Oh, it was a..." "Show me the face!" "That's terrible." "He'd eat anything off his plate as long as it was separated." "That's true." "He'd take all the toppings off his pizza and he'd eat 'em in order." "It was really..." "It was really weird." "Well, he was a little O.C.D., but in a very sweet way, right?" "Mm-hmm." "Very sweet." "When he used to eat Cheerios, he'd eat them in pairs because he didn't want them to be alone in his tummy." "Ah, God, this hurts!" "I used to give him shit for that all the time." "And he never flossed." "But he did wear an enormous amount of cologne once he discovered it, and his room smelled like a men's magazine." "Ow!" "Oh!" "It's happening." "Yes, sweetie, it is." "I know, sweetie." "It's all right." "It's all right." "Bennett lived for 18 years, 3 months, 7 days, 2 hours, 36 minutes." "He broke 6 bones in his lifetime and had a 3.97 G.P.A." "He never had a girlfriend before he met you." "His highest temperature was 104.3." "And uh, he knew how to count before he said his first word." "Which was?" " Wow." " Wow." "Thank you." "Of course." "Thank you." "You're doing great." "Just keep breathing." "That's it, sweetheart." "Okay." "Squeeze my hand if you have to." "You're doing great." "That's it." "Just keep breathing." "That's it." "# Cryin' into your sleeves #" "That's it." "We're gonna be there soon." "That's a girl." "You're doing great." "# 'Cause you miss those lovin' arms #" "It won't be long." "That's a girl." "That's it." "That's it." "# A lullaby keeps on playin' #" "# You're thinkin' it's a dream #" "# 'Cause you miss those lovin' arms #" "Oh, my God." "Her name is Ruby." "# And you've got a good mind to pray #" "# They say it's all part of his plan #" "# But what if he's got slippery hands?" "#" "# Well, it's a sad face you're wearin' #" "# Like a burned-out sun #" "# 'Cause you miss those lovin' arms #" "# You'd think a grown man would care #" "# About his bootlace undone #" "# But you just miss those lovin' arms #" "# Yeah, you miss those lovin' arms #" "# And you got a good mind to pray #" "# They say it's all part of his plan #" "# But what if he's got slippery hands?" "#" "# Well, goddamn #" "# You're a boy, not a man #" "# When you miss those lovin' arms #" "Hey." "Hi." "Hi." "# Everybody wants to know you #" "# They float all around your head #" "# Like a mobile #" "# Hell, you don't know what they're sayin' #" "# Oh, but can't you tell #" "# You're a golden egg #" "# Of all the ways I said your name #" "# A hundred times, but now it's changed #" "# And little things I didn't have #" "# Are going off #" "# Like bottle caps #" "# A light, catch a reflection #" "# A cold night, want some attention #" "# I give without thinking #" "# That's the way it is now #" "# Soft spots, our hearts made for breaking #" "# Tie knots, show me what you're making #" "# We fight for a reason #" "# Now it's off to bed #" "# If I could help you as much as I wanted to #" "# But, hell, you don't know what I'm sayin' #" "# Oh, but can't you tell #" "# I love you #" "# Of all the ways I said your name #" "# A hundred times, but now it's changed #" "# And little things I didn't have #" "# Are going off #" "# Like bottle caps #" "# Going off like bottle caps #" "# A light, send a reflection #" "# A cold night, want some attention #" "# I give without thinking #" "# That's the way it is now #" "# Soft spots, our hearts made for breaking #" "# Tie knots, show me what you're making #" "# We fight for a reason #" "# Now it's off to bed #"