"[MOANING ]" "What--?" "What's going on?" "Roger, we have to talk." "This family has a problem." "Oh, finally we can get this all out in the open." "I'II start." "klaus, you're useless..." "... andeveryonehatesyou ." "Huh!" "No, Roger, this is about you." "The last two months..." "... yourselfishbehavior has gotten out of control." "Stan, tell him." "well, for starters, you constantly raid the fridge and drink all my Five alive." "You take our clothes without asking, and then disappear all day..." "... soyoucanrun around as one of your ridiculous personas." "I regret my dance card is filled for the evening..." "... butthere'salways the spring cotiIIion." "I'II tell you what I think." "You hide behind all these disguises so you don't have to face the fact..." "... thattherealyou  is an inconsiderate jerk." "Yeah, it doesn't matter how you treat people..." "... whenyoucouldblameiton  Professor EdeIstein..." "... orATToperatorShaIandaDikes." "Speaking of which, that credit from my friends-and-famiIy plan..." "... stillhasn'tshownuponmy bill." "That credit was generated after your last statement." "It'II show up on your next bill." "Oh, okay, thank you." "Thank you for choosing ATT." "Enough." "You have been treating us like doormats for months..." "... andwe'resickand tiredofit ." "Wow, I hear you." "I hear you loud and clear." "And I guess all I can say is, eat my dust." "HAYLEY:" "He's getting away." "STEVE:" "Stop him." "[SNORING ]" "For God's sake, Roger, get up." "[MUMBLING THEN GASPS]" "My tequila." "That worm had a name." "[IN FOREIGN ACCENT] If you will excuse me..." "... Iamlatefor mydaughter's arranged wedding." "She will learn to love him." "well, that was a waste of time." "STEVE:" "Hey, what's this?" "Oh, an old game I found under the couch when we moved it." "Simon?" "Is that Simon?" "What's Simon?" "only the best game ever." "It's totally addictive." "Watch." "[BEEPING ]" "Eh?" "Wait, you haven't seen the yellow light yet." "There's a yellow light." "A case of whiskey and a Modern Bride, my good man." "I'm a woman." "I don't wanna fight." "Just run the card, dude." "[SCATTING ]" "It says it's declined." "impossible." "Your mannish fingers just hit the wrong buttons." "declined." "That's strange." "well, I guess I'II just go put these things in my house." "[SNORING ]" "Sir, your card was declined, because you exceeded your limit." "That's impossible." "well, you did just make a big purchase." "I see a diamond ring for $5000." "What?" "That's right." "It was a purchased by a co-signer on your account." "Uh, "Sidney Huffman. "" "Co-signer?" "I never authorized a co-signer." "Sir, I can't have you lying on the floor and making phone calls." "Roger, I'm afraid you're may be right." "I think the family hates me." "Hate is a strong word, and accurate." "But you can still salvage my love by finding my other glove." "I can never find it." "And what I'm about to embark on..." "... requiresleavingno fingerprints." "What do you mean?" "I'm gonna get even with that scumbag..." "... whoaddedhisname to my credit card." "Time to dish out a little street justice, Death Wish-styIe." "Death Wish was a movie." "Starring charles Bronson." "He had a mustache." "Anyway, I found out where this Sidney guy works..." "... wherehelives, even his phone number." "voicemail." "Sidney, this is Roger Smith." "You screwed with the wrong guy." "Prepare to have your life destroyed." "Now, did you find my glove?" "Uh, no." "It's like you want to be kicked out of this family." "Of course you work at a bible company, Sidney." "Perfect cover for a thief." "There, Iet's see what your BibIe-thumbing customers..." "... thinkofthesechanges." "[WHIRRING ]" "Oh, Iookie." "Sidney's address book." "And who's this?" ""Judy Panowitz. " The I dotted with a heart." "Bet you she's the broad you bought the ring for." "Guess I'II have to pay her a visit." "Oh, she works at a department store." "please, God, Iet their mannequins have nipples." "But not heads." "Honey, I'm home." "[GASPS]" "You're playing Simon." "Oh, Stan, you made me mess up." "See, I told you guys it was addictive." "Oh." "Oh, okay, this is a good seat to watch from too." "As part of the family." "beloved." "Uh, Stan, you missed a belt loop back here." "But I'm sure you're fine." "Your pants didn't fall down today, did they?" "[LAUGHING ]" "[SIGHS]" "Three days, and nearly every piece of Sidney's life is in shambles." "[PHONE BEEPS]" "I have a voicemail." "Oh, and it's from Sidney." "SIDNEY [OVER PHONE] :" "Stop ruining my life." "Please, just leave me alone." "Oh, don't worry, Sidney." "You will be alone." "Once I have a little chat with your girlfriend." "May I help you?" "Yes, I'm looking for a Judy Panowitz." "What a coincidence, I'm a Judy Panowitz." "Do you know Sidney Huffman?" "I sure do." "He's my boyfriend." "only I hope soon he's gonna be more than just that." "Yeah, well, I have a little news about him." "[JUD Y SOBBING ]" "And tomorrow, Sidney..." "... I'IIdestroytheIast, most irreplaceable thing in your life:" "Your possessions." "[SIMON BEEPING ]" "Good news, I found some games that are for more than four players." "Uh, guys?" "hello?" "Wait, have you not moved since I Ieft?" "Oh, mein gods." "Like countless children and stoners before you..." "... youhavebeenenslaved by the four-toned succubus." "Damn you, Hasbro!" "Using the credit card that started it all to help me end it all." "Wow, torching this dump almost feels like I'm doing him a favor." ""How Do You Do?" "A Young Man 's Guide to Manners. "" "This guy is a douche with a capital bag." "Huh." "Just like my missing glove." "Now somebody has a pair." "And somebody has nothing." "Oh, look, this must be a photo of the sap." "Oh, my God." "I'm the sap." "I'm Sidney." "One of my personas has taken on a life of its own." "[BIG BAND PLAYING "PENNS YLVANIA 6-5000" ON RADIO]" "[MUSIC STOPS]" "Peaches and cream." "Why do I always wake up feeling hung over?" "I don't even touch the devil's nectar." "Oh, Judy." "Your toothy mug is the only cure for my morning maladies." "When I pop the big Q this Saturday, you'd better say yes..." "... orI 'IIkissyoutillyoudo." "Lonesome glove, why can I never find your mate?" "Did I donate it to that soldier I read about who lost his arm in Iraq?" "No, I would have remembered getting a sloppily written thank-you note." "Oh, boysenberry pancakes." "Somebody left me a message last night." "ROGER [ON MACHINE] :" "This is Roger Smith." "You screwed with the wrong guy." "Prepare to have your life destroyed." "That gentleman has the wrong Sidney." "Or he's dyslexic and angry at Disney." "[WHISTLING "PENNS YLVANIA 6-5000"]" "Your garden is looking great, Sidney." "There's you and there's Johnny AppIeseed." "No, sir, Mr. Stashwyk, there'II never be another Johnny." "Have a stupendous day." "[WHISTLING "PENNS YLVANIA 6-5000"]" "Oh, boy, the gang's all here today." "hello, Lennox." "HiIdegard, slow down and chew." "Share, Jedediah." "And you I don't know, but welcome." "[WHISTLING "PENNS YLVANIA 6-5000"]" "Huffman." "And a good day to you, Mr. McCreary." "In my office, now!" "You're familiar with first line of Genesis, right?" "well, I should say I am, sir." "I should say I am." "Does this sound right?" ""In the beginning, God created the heavens..." "... anda transvestite who pooped mozzarella dinosaurs. "" "Huh!" "blasphemy." "Cut the act." "You came in last night and edited the bible from your computer." "Sir, I would never tamper with the Word of the Lord." "A thousand copies ruined." "You're fired." "Rooty-tooty fresh and fruity, I'm in a pile of doody." "Time to buck up and find a new job." "These have been a trying few days, but the worst is surely over." "[WHISTLING ]" "Huh!" "My garden." "Sidney, it happened last night, but you weren't around." "Why, I bet it's the man who left me that malevolent message." "I think he's trying to sabotage my Iife." "I didn't get a good look at the guy..." "... thoughI didsee what he did to your new tree." "My little sycamore." "What did he do?" "Sidney, he raped it." "I mean, he just, uh... ." "Yeah, the guy raped the tree." "My flowery friends may be gone, but I still have my feathery ones." "Oh, Raspberry Mary, mother of jams." "[SOBBING ]" "ROGER [OVER PHONE] :" "Hello?" "Stop this." "Stop doing this." "You're killing me." "ROGER:" "Ha, ha, I punked you." "It's not really me, it's my voicemail." "You're not supposed to wear stupid after Labor Day." "Ha-ha-ha." "[ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS]" "Stop ruining my Iife." "please, just leave me alone." "[SINGING "THE LORD IS GOOD TO ME"]" "[SOBBING ]" "Oh, petunia, the Iast few days have been the worst of my Iife." "But if you say yes to my next question..." "... Iknowthatall the darkclouds in the world..." "... couldn'train on Sidney Huffman's parade." "Judy, would you do me the modest favor..." "... ofmakingme  the happiest man on earth?" "Marry you?" "I never wanna see you again..." "..." "letalonemarryyou ." "What?" "The man from the clinic stopped by yesterday..." "... andtoldme aboutyourdiseases and your daIIiances." "No." "No, that's not true." "Judy, that guy's putting the screws to me." "I don't wanna hear about your perversions." "And here are your test results." "I couldn't even look at them." "I didn't wanna get my eyes dirty." "[JUD Y SOBBING ]" "ROGER:" "Dear Sidney, I just wanted to let you know  that I'm gonna make you pay for stealing from me until the day you die." "Sincerely, Roger Smith." "P.S., your sycamore had saplings." "I made them watch." "Oh, that's it." "He's never gonna stop." "There's only one way out of this." "Oh, look, this must be a photo of the sap." "Oh, my God." "I'm the sap." "I'm Sidney." "One of my personas has taken on a life of its own." "Roger Smith?" "Sidney Huffman hired me to kill you." "[SCREAMS]" "Oh, my God, I took a hit out on myself." "And I probably charged it to me." "still, miles." "[SCREAMING ]" "Oh, my God, I'm gonna die." "And I still have a two years left on my AppIeCare." "[SIMON BEEPING ]" "Wow, they're still playing that dumb-ass game." "Not for long." "Son of a bitch, it can work." "The spell is broken." "I reek of week-oId urine, and I am ashamed of that." "klaus saved us all." "Come on, Iet's go to the fridge to check on the bologna situation." "[SCREECHES]" "[GASPING ]" "I was gone 60 years." "How long was it here?" "What?" "Where did you go?" "I don't know." "But wherever it was, I am their king now." "klaus, I'm in trouble." "I spent all week taking revenge on a guy..." "... andthatguyturnedouttobe a runaway alter ego of mine." "Now he's taken a hit out on me." "calm down, calm down." "Don't tell me to calm down." "This hit man's a pro." "Look, I found this in Sidney's address book." "Look at this card." "Premium 80-pound matte card stock, the letters are raised." "I'm a dead man." "No, this is perfect." "Just phone the guy, pretend you are your alter ego and call off the hit." "That's genius." "I think I can sound like him." "Yeah, hello." "hello, this is Sidney Huffman." "Oh, hey, what do you want?" "Make it quick, I got my girls this weekend." "Listen, I wanna call off the hit on Roger Smith." "No problem." "I'II just need the password." "Password?" "The password you chose in case you wanna call off the hit?" "Oh, yes, I believe my password is "password. "" "No, it's not." "Wah!" "I got little Miss Fuss-shine here..." "... socallme backwiththepassword or Roger Smith is dead." "Cutie, remember me, the guy who ruined your life?" "I need to know Sidney's favorite words." "Favorite words?" "You mean like herpes, syphilis, gonorrhea?" "Look, I am Sidney, okay?" "And if you don't help me, I'm dead." "You're Sidney?" "What do you think I am, stupid?" "Yes, you're the dumbest person I've ever met and I'm Sidney." "Yeah?" "well, Sidney would never talk to me like that." "Huh!" "Sidney, is that you?" "But I don't understand." "Sidney, where did you go?" "It's a disguise." "Oh, I get it." "You know, Sid, I guess we all wear masks in some way or another." "We wear metaphorical masks to hide our selves in an impersonal modern society..." "... butwhatIneedtoknowis...." "[SCREAMS]" "Roger, I know you're in there." "Come out or your girlfriend gets it." "Okay." "SIDNEY:" "You're just gonna abandon her, you monster?" "Oh, good, you can tell me the password so I can call off the hit." "Fat chance, mister, not after you ruined my Iife." "I didn't ruin anything." "You're just one of my personas gone AWOL." "What?" "That's crazy." "It's true." "You're just an extension of me." "Why else do you think you had my glove?" "Those are my gloves." "The ones I bought when I met Judy." "Wait, that's it." "Now I remember how all this began." "ROGER:" "It was two months ago and I was coming home from drinking and shooting dice with Armenians." "That's when I saw them, the perfect pair of gloves." "But they cost $ 1 0  ten times my monthly budget for hand clothes." "Alas, the case was locked and the key was with the shop girl." "Damn it, Judy, you're late." "I'm sorry, Mr. BiIIdocker." "My boyfriend Rico got drunk and buried me alive." "And if that wasn't bad enough, then he broke up with me." "well, that's what you get for letting jerks treat you Iike garbage." "I know." "AII I want in this life..." "... isa goodhearted,employed sober fella who treats me nice." "ROGER:" "That's when I came up with a brilliant scheme." "May I help you, sir?" "Yes, I find my hands get chilly when I'm, uh, out selling bibles..." "... or,uh,tendingto underprivileged pigeons in the park." "Some have suggested the warmth of an Irish coffee..." "... butasIdon 'tpartakeofthe devil's nectar, I've decided upon gloves." "well, aren't you a goodhearted, employed sober fella?" "Dentyne Ice?" "Huh!" "Who treats me nice." "I'm Judy." "I'm Sidney, Sidney Huffman." "ROGER:" "If I could win her confidence, I'd be able to get that key." "Then it'd be hello, gloves, goodbye, not gloves." "So every day for the next few weeks, I visited Judy as Sidney." "But I couldn 't get close to that key." "And suddenly, I had another brilliant scheme." "WOMAN:" "That will be $ 700." "ROGER:" "The store clerks knew me as Sidney Huffman so I had a credit card on my account issued in that name." "SIDNEY:" "Wait, you spent 7 00 bucks..." "...just to steal $ 1 0 gloves?" "ROGER:" "Shut up." "Oh, Sidney." "Try it on, my begonia." "No, no, no, this mirror is for costumers." "You have to go to the break room and use the employees' mirror." "Oh, you're right." "I'II be right back." "BILLDOCKER:" "Judy, you idiot." "You left the case open and a pair of gloves are gone." "You're fired." "[JUD Y SOBBING ]" "ROGER:" "I tried to leave but couldn 't." "I actually liked that dumb girl." "And caring about someone more than myself  was a trauma too great for my psyche to bear." "Something in me split." "And a part of me that cared about Judy was born:" "Sidney." "Uh, excuse me, I was just looking at these gloves in the light." "And thanks to your wonderful saIesgirI here, I'II take them." "From that moment on, you had a life of our own." "Like what Katie holmes used to have." "That explains everything." "But I don't care if you created me, I wanna live." "That's the beauty of it." "Both of us can live." "Together, as one person, who's the best of both of us." "You just need to call off the hit." "SIDNEY:" "The password is "password one. "" "Hey, that's it." "I require letters and numbers." "AII right, girls, yogurt time." "He's gone, Sidney." "Come on out." "Let's go to her, together." "Oh, cheese and crackers." "Sorry, Sid, you're a good egg, and that cramps my style." "Oh, Sidney, I was so worried" "Beat it." "Sidney's gone and this guy only looks out for numero uno." "AII you care about is pizza?" "Figures, I finally find the perfect fella..." "... andhe'saFig Newton of someone's imagination." "[SOBBING ]" "[SIGHS]" "Wanna go get dinner?" "Huh!" "Sidney." "Oh, yeah, you should know, I'm a drunk." "Just like my father." "ROGER:" "And I have no genitals." "That's okay." "I have both." "[ENGLISH SDH]"