"Max?" "Max?" " Max, where are you?" " I'm right over here, 99." "Oh." "Oh, Max, this is creepy." "I don't think I like London." " You're just depressed, 99." " Depressed?" " ( bell tolls )" " Yes, a foggy day in London Town has you low and it has you down." "Still, I'd feel better if I could see." "Yes." "Well, our first order is to go to the London Palladium." "Now if we can just find someone who can tell us where it is." "I beg your pardon, sir, but can you tell me how I can get to the London Palladium?" "The London Palladium?" "Certainly." "Now listen carefully:" "you go two blocks to Chelsea Place, then left to Ambley Lane, sharp right, three blocks till you come to a chemist's shop." "Then you turn right for two blocks till you come to Leicester Square, right two blocks more and there it is-- the Palladium." "Have you got that?" " Not all of it." " Oh?" "Which part didn't you get?" "The part after "Now, listen carefully."" "Oh." " What's the trouble here?" " The gentleman is lost." " He's looking for the Palladium." " Palladium?" "That's only two blocks east of Scotland Yard." "Oh, splendid." "Now, how do we get to Scotland Yard?" "Well, you-- excuse me, sir, how do you find Scotland Yard?" "I beg your pardon, ma'am, how do you find Scotland Yard?" "I'm terribly sorry, but we just arrived from the United States." "Listen, I have a flashlight." "Why don't we go and look for it and if we find it, we'll send someone back for you?" "Awfully nice of you." "Thank you." " Isn't it a lovely evening?" " Lovely." "Max, we've gotta get organized." " Open the sealed orders." " Right, 99." " What does it say, Max?" " "Dear Max and 99, welcome to London." That was nice of the Chief." ""You are to contact Agent 37 at the London Palladium." "He will have instructions on how you can locate and capture an American gangster known as 'The Scar.'" "Although The Scar has never been photographed, he can be easily recognized by the ugly four-inch scar on his left cheek."" " The ugly what?" " Four-inch scar on his left cheek, 99-- like the one on that fellow over there." "What a coincidence." "You're lookin' for me and I'm lookin' for you." "Eh." "Now wait a minute, Scar." " Can't we talk this over?" " ( Scar cocks gun )" "Max, how did you do that?" "!" "I'm surprised he fell for it, 99-- the old gun-in-the- flashlight trick." "What's that, Max?" ""Green Park, the boathouse, Tuesday."" " What could that mean?" " I don't know, 99." "Let's look at the rest of our orders." ""After taking care of The Scar, proceed to the Crashing Boar Pub where the barmaid will direct you to British CONTROL."" "Well, how do we find the Crashing Boar Pub?" "I don't know, 99, but we'll do a lot better once we get out of this hotel room." "( theme music playing )" "How will the barmaid know us, Max?" "It's really quite simple, 99-- there's a password." "Watch." "What will it be, love?" "( imitates Churchill ) "Never before in the history of human endeavor have so many given so much to so few."" "Oh, you want to get to British CONTROL, eh?" "Why didn't you say so?" "Max and 99, I'd like you to meet my British counterpart, Commander Hathaway." " How do you do?" " How do you do?" " This is my secretary, Miss Van Cleef." " How do you do?" "That will be all for now, Van Cleef." "Please see that we are not disturbed." " Very good, sir." " Please be seated." "My sources tell me The Scar is no longer with us." "Yes, that's correct." "He made the fatal mistake of pulling a gun on the fastest flashlight in London." " You feel up to another assignment?" " Are you kidding, Chief?" " You know I'll do anything." " Good." "Then you'll replace The Scar and infiltrate a gang of criminal cutthroats." "Uh, before we continue, we have a security problem here." "Allow me to lower the Umbrella of Silence." "The Umbrella of Silence?" "!" "England, old boy." "Now then, Max-- now, Max, several years ago a ring of superthieves called the "Scorpion Gang"" "baffled British authorities with their daring and brilliant robberies." "Each member of the gang wore a scorpion's tattoo." "Each one was a specialist-- one a cat burglar, one a weapons specialist, one an explosives expert, one a driver and their leader, a criminal genius known as "The Dutchman."" "Three years ago we finally captured the entire gang and imprisoned them." "Chief:" "Three weeks ago the Scorpion Gang broke jail and they're here in London planning some spectacular robbery." "Well, how does The Scar tie in with the gang, Chief?" "Their explosives expert was killed in the jailbreak." "The Scar was brought in to replace him." "He was brought in from the United States." "So no one in the gang ever saw him." "And since Max has had demolition experience, he's the logical one to replace The Scar and join the gang." "But if you know where the gang is, why don't you just arrest them?" "Because we're after a bigger fish-- the one in charge of the entire gang, the one who controls the operation" " X." "And there's only one man who can get X." " Who?" " You." " I?" " You." "Which means you're elected, Mr. Smart." "It goes without saying if the gang finds you out, it will surely mean a swift and painful death." " Any questions?" " Just one, Commander." "Have you ever considered the advantages of snuff?" "The Scorpion Gang will recognize you by the scar on your left cheek, Max." "But the scar is on my right cheek, Chief." "You're looking in the mirror, Max." "Oh." "This is The Scar's explosives kit." "You're familiar with all this, of course?" "Well, yes, but I hope I don't have to use it." "We hope not." "You should meet X before the robbery." "If not, make sure you contact me personally for instructions." "Here's my office number." " Good luck." " Now remember, Max-- if you forget who you are for an instant, they'll know you're an impostor and you'll be dead." " Right, Chief." " Come on, Scar." " That's you, Max." " Huh?" " That's you." " Oh." "Right, Chief." "You'll meet with the Scorpion Gang in the boathouse at Green Park." "Once you join them, your only contact with us will be through 99, and she's in disguise." "I got you, Chief." "Don't worry," "I can see through any disguise that 99 might be wearing." "How about you, Chief?" "How do fit into this caper?" "I've got my own job, Max." "We think there's a KAOS agent in British CONTROL and my secret mission is to ferret him out." "Good luck, Chief." "( cockney accent ) How about a daisy, governor?" " Get lost, lady." " ( regular voice ) Max, take it, it's your daisy phone." "Chief, that's no lady, that's 99." "Great disguise, 99." "You really had the Chief going there for a while." " Man:" "Yeah?" " You advertised for a cook?" "What is your specialty?" " Soup." " You are The Scar." "Dutchman." "( grunts )" "You are late, Herr Scar." "I will make the introductions brief." "First, Le Mans the Frenchman, the most daring driver on the continent, and master of the garrote." "Next, El Gato-- daring cat burglar and alarm specialist." "A loyal friend, but a formidable foe." "And finally, the dreaded Turk-- skilled with many weapons and deadly with them all." "Hi." "Here is the layout of the job." "Memorize every detail." "Looking for something, Herr Scar?" "Where I come from, Dutchman, we always have a little drink to celebrate the closing of a deal." "There is a corkscrew over there." "A corkscrew?" "What for?" "Well, here's to the job." "By the way, what is the job?" "The Royal Jewels." "Here's to the Royal Jewels." "We strike tonight." "We strike tonight?" "We must all be at our best if X's plan is to work." "Tell me, Dutchman, when do we get to meet Mr. X?" "Not until the job is completed." "I see." "So we don't get to meet X until after the job is over." "By the way, Dutchman, who is X?" "Why?" "Give me your complete attention." " Operator, Operator!" " Operator:" "I'm sorry, your number is out of order." "All right, what's the plan?" "The time is now exactly 4:30." "In five minutes we leave by boat," " cross the lake to the car." " I drive us to the palace" " and park outside the chemist's shop." " Driving time?" " 44 minutes and 27 seconds." " Good." "5:29-- the palace closes to the public at 5:30." "We give them five minutes to clear the palace and lock the jewels in the vault, then move... to this spot beneath the Jewel Room." "I take care of the sentry-- here." "Dutchman:" "Correct, but remember-- no... no violence-- unless necessary." "I have exactly seven minutes to gain entry, breach the alarms and admit the others before the sentry makes his second round." " Guard positions?" " Below." " Above." " Inside." "Which brings us to this-- the vault, Herr Scar, considered to be impenetrable-- several inches of the best British steel." "You have less than 30 minutes before the changing of the guard." "How do you propose to crack the time lock?" "With this." "Nitro?" "( sinister laughter )" "You are a cool one, Herr Scar." "Let's get on with it." "It is time. 4:35-- synchronize now." "Let's go." "Cast off!" "Let's go." "All right, let's check our watches." " 5:33." " 6:00." " 9:45." " 8:15." "Perfect." "We're right on schedule." "Let's go." "Pst pst pst." "( scraping glass )" "( thumps loudly )" "( clanks )" "( drill buzzes )" "( chimes )" "( phone rings )" "Commander Hathaway's office." "No, he's not here." "This is Van Cleef, his assistant." "This is Maxwell Smart, Secret Agent 86." " Who?" " You know, the fellow who joined the Scorpion Gang disguised as The Scar." "Now listen carefully, we're in the middle of robbing the Royal Jewels." "I don't know who X is, the Dutchman is gone and I can't stall much longer." "What'll I do?" "Proceed with the robbery." "We have you under surveillance." "We'll close in as soon as you rendezvous with the Dutchman and X." " Right." " ( creaks )" "( nitro explodes )" "Drop it." " What happened?" " The concussion from the explosion." "Forget him." "Get the jewels." "So my old friends" "El Gato and Le Mans are no more." "Fortunes of war, Dutchman." "Besides, that makes a bigger split for us." "That's right." "I want my share now." "Of course, my friend." "Here is your share." "Eh, you can have my share, Dutchman." "I'm sure X would want it that way." "You're wrong, Mr. Smart." "X wants it all." "And now you, Mr. Smart." "Eh, I'll skip my turn." "( gunshot )" "Chief, how did you know that Van Cleef was X?" "We didn't know, Max." "The Chief thought she was the KAOS agent and we followed her here." "I see-- then as X," "Van Cleef used her position at CONTROL to engineer the jailbreak and plan the robbery." "But as a double agent she had to kill the Dutchman in order to get the jewels for KAOS." "Yes, it's all very simple except for one thing." "What's that?" "Why does Commander Hathaway have his arm around Van Cleef?" "Mr. Hathaway is the real X and the KAOS agent too." "Tut-tut, my love, where is your gratitude?" "After all, Mr. Smart did bring us these pretty jewels." "Now if you'll just nip over and relieve them of their guns," "I'll try to get this nasty business over with as quickly as possible." "I have a knife in my back pocket." "No, you don't." "You certainly don't intend to shoot us, Commander?" "Oh, but I must, my dear-- to complete the perfect crime." "That way, KAOS gets the Royal Jewels," "I get credit for destroying the Scorpion Gang, my cover remains secure, and American CONTROL gets a black eye for your involvement in the robbery." "Only one question remains-- who goes first?" "You haven't volunteered for anything lately, Chief." " Max, what are you doing?" "!" " Just this, 99-- don't move, Hathaway, or I'll blow us all to kingdom come." " You wouldn't dare!" " Try me." " Quick, thinking, Max." " Daring move, Max." "Not really, 99." "You see, this nitro bottle happens to be empty." "( screams ) Max!" " Don't tell me it's not empty, 99." " It's not empty!" "I asked you not to tell me that." "( theme music playing )"