"Welcome home, Perry." "Here's the new program:" "You occasionally lift a finger helping with Jack." "And I'm gonna try to keep from hating the unborn baby in my belly, ... that's made my ass so big, ... I can't fit the whole thing on a toilet when I pee eight hundred times a day!" "I can't." "You love spaghetti." "You had some just last night, didn't ya?" "No, I didn't!" "Jordan, the boy is lying to me." "Oh, Perry." "Nobody likes a tattle-tail!" "Nobody does, Perry!" "All right, champ." "Just in case you get hungry later on...." "Yo, Elliot...what's your ringtone?" ""Jesus, Take the Wheel" by Carrie Underwood." "I'm carrying underwood right now." "See, that's funny because it's true." "Please?" "But that's all you get for the rest of the year, Todd." "I'm downloading 'N Sync's "Bye Bye Bye."" "When that bad boy starts a-jumpin', ... I defy anyone not to shake their butt to it." " I'm bringing it back." " Just like you brought back Pop-Rocks?" "Teddy Boy!" "You're not as big a trend-setter as you think you are." "Right, Keith?" "As for me, I spent my free time getting coworkers I just met pregnant." "You're pregnant?" "Are you sure?" "I'm pretty sure." "Kim, I'm not really sure how to phrase this, so I'm just gonna dive right in:" "Have there been other penises?" " It's your, JD." " Cool." "Are you ok?" "Yeah." "I don't think I've ever seen the inside of your apartment before." "Said the father of my unborn child." "That was a joke." "Come on." "No laugh from a guy who, when he orders a coffee, says "Thanks a latte!"" "Well, that's different, Kim." "That's hilarious." " This is life-changing." " We can get through this." "You know what else is pretty classic?" "When the coffee guy asks for money, you say:" ""Sorry, my wallet's in my other pair of mochaccinos."" "That always gets 'em." "Damn it." "I have to go to the hospital." "Scone is also a funny word." "But I don't like them." "I prefer croissants." "You're clearly freaking out, so..." "You need to promise me that you're gonna find somebody to talk to about this while I'm gone." "Please!" "I'll be fine." "You be careful." "You're walking for two!" "Call Turk." " You were right, Turk." " Hell, yeah." "All right!" "All right!" "Now listen!" "This is a hospital, not a discotheque!" "Turn that damn thing off!" "Come on, buddy." "Please pick up." "This is pretty catchy." "No problem." "I'll just go chill at my deck with a little vino." "Unfortunately, it was still a hangout spot for gay seniors." "All right!" "That's enough!" "I have seen "Les Mis" over a dozen times." "So I have nothing against giant queens per se, all right?" "In fact, my life would be a whole lot easier if I was married to one of you guys." "Excuse me." "You heard him, girls." "Let's roll!" "Hold up!" "Hold up!" "Hold up!" "Las Vegas Police Department." "Hello?" "Why didn't you answer your phone when I called you?" "I was dancing." "Wait, let me hear it." "Scrubs - 601" " My Mirror Image" "By Me, Myself  I Team." "Look, I'm in surgery all morning." "But we can meet for lunch, talk this through then, ok?" "Hello?" "JD, this is a really bad connection." "Ted, please!" "Ted!" "Okay, I'll see you at lunch." "Hey, Mujambo." "This here's our new flagpole." "Why don't you show Old Glory a little respect and snap off a salute?" "There's no flag up there." "We're at war, my friend." "All American flags are on backorder." "What do you want me to do in the meantime?" "Run a pirate flag up there?" "Maybe turn the whole building into a pirate ship?" "I could put a captain's wheel up on the roof." "Catch a parrot somehow, slap on an eyepatch." "Go to work with a caulk-gun, seal her up, make her watertight." "I can take her out to sea." " Are you insane?" " No, I'm a pirate." "Whatever." "I'm not saluting a pole!" "And so it begins...again." "My life is over." "Come on, you gotta focus on the positives." "For instance, the medical miracle that is  one woman actually impregnating another woman." "Shadaisy!" "Coincidentally, I have a cousin named Shadaisy." "What?" "JD needs us right now, ok?" "So this is what we're gonna do:" "Dr. Cox, you're backing off." "Elliot, you go talk to him." "Can't wait to talk to JD." "Maybe we can chat about how everyone in this frickin' hospital, ... other than me, is having a baby." "I mean, seriously, having a baby, having a baby, ... having a second baby!" "Or having her husband's best friend's baby!" "That's right, Mona, everyone knows!" "What are you looking at, Dr. Beardface?" "You want a kid?" "'Cause I swear to God, ... I will mount you right now!" "It's Beardfacé, dammit!" "Gather round, doomed new interns who just paged me!" "Quick question:" "What does this outfit tell you?" "You are entering a Joe Piscopo look-alike contest?" "It means that I was just working out." "Which, incidentally, is the last remaining activity I have in my adult life  that qualifies as "me time."" "Other activities recently crossed off of that list  include my morning dump and all showers." "You see?" "My dear son Jack has decided that those are team sports." "However, I'm here." "And I'm totally psyched to hear whatever the super-de-duper reason is that you paged me." "Mr. White's chart said to remove his eight stitches." "But we counted nine." "Should we leave one?" "That's it." "Every single one of you is gonna run laps around the hallways until I say stop." "Think I'm kidding?" "Perry?" "What the hell?" "I just got a call from Jack's school." "Apparently they served spaghetti for lunch." "So he had some sort of Vietnam flashback." "We're having a second baby." "You need to deal with your anger issues." "I don't have any anger issues." "Dr. Cox, I'm sorry." "But my asthma... is really..." "starting... to..." "Get outta here!" "Seriously?" "What are you working on, young man?" "New ways to torture that guy." "See?" "Mrs. Zeebee, ... I know that we were hoping that the pain around your areola was simple mastitis." "But it turns out that it's breast cancer." "I can't believe this is happening to me." "Trust me, I know what you're going through." "Just yesterday, I found out that my girlfriend..." "Excuse us!" "Dude, please tell me you're not comparing getting cancer to knocking up your girlfriend." "I was trying to." "You can't pawn your personal stuff off on your patients!" "What about you and the motorcycle accident guy!" "?" "So get this:" "My pregnant wife has decided that it's ok to steal my pillow in the middle of the night." "And sleep with it in between her legs!" "When am I going into surgery?" "We can't start the surgery until the troopers find your foot." "That was different." "He said "What's up?"" "Hardly seems like much of a punishment for the kid from Kenya." "I mean, God's sake, he could run all day." "You know?" "Maybe Jordan's right." "Maybe it's time you start dealing with your anger issues." "Carla, for something to be an issue, ... it needs to cause a problem." "Honestly, aside from having to, by law, ... remain thirty feet away from a certain telemarketer, ... who I visited while he was eating his dinner, ... I don't see the downside." "Mr. Slydell here is suffering from peptic ulcer disease and hypertension." "Two conditions you'll often see in very angry people." "Now, you don't know that this gentleman is angry." "Damn it!" "Why won't this TV go on!" "?" "!" "?" "That was the bed remote." "Ted, I got the cola." " Did you get the Pop Rocks?" " No, the vending machine was out." "So I went to the generic store and got some "Fizzy Pebbles."" "Sure we should do this?" "I'm sick of legends and hearsay, Keith!" "I have to know!" "No scuffing." "No scuffing!" "What if I get a sex-change operation?" "And I trick him into marrying me?" "But if it doesn't work, ... you'll just be an older, fairly ugly, janitor woman." "That's true." "You know?" "You and I are quite a bit alike." "I spent most of my life trying to become a lawyer." "But I could never get my Juris Doctorate." "How does that make us alike?" "I spent years trying to get that damn J.D." "It's alive!" "That'll be fun to clean up!" "You know what's so messed up about this whole baby thing?" "I mean, I feel like I'm drowning." "And it hasn't even fazed Kim." "Okay." "Let's close her up." "Dr. Briggs, why are you crying?" "This song always gets me." "My brother was killed by a funky cold medina." "I'm sorry, JD." "But you knew that this could happen when you had sex." "I have to tell you guys something." "But you have to promise not to laugh, ok?" " Oh, no, absolutely." " I'll try." "On the night of said conception, ... Kim and I nuded up, and the dirty talk began." "And I got a little over-excited." " She like-a the dirty talk!" " No, I do." "I find it gets the ladies going." "But I occasionally get wrapped up in it myself." "Especially when I use some of my different voices." "He does." "Anyhoo, there was some unexpected friendly fire." "And even though I never got a chance to enter "the village", ... there was a "airstrike" on one of the outlying regions." " Thank you." " Anyway." "I spoke to the gals up in OB-G." "And they said it's not uncommon for a woman to get pregnant." "Even if there was no actual penetration." "What you trying to tell us is that you  never actually had sex with her?" "No, I didn't have a condom." "And we decided not to have sex because  here's the kicker:" "I didn't want to get her pregnant." "Oh, no you didn't!" "As I thought about how Mrs. Zeebee and I had gotten such a raw deal," "I realized how easy it was for doctors to see themselves in their patients." "Whether it's in the choices they made in their life..." "My anger not only cost me my health, ... it also cost me my job, my marriage  it cost me damn near everything." "You're killing me." "... or the choices they didn't make..." "I was so obsessed with getting my J.D  that I never did the things I really wanted to do." "Start a family, see the world...." " Punch a whale?" " No, I punched a whale." "Right in the face." "Down he went, like Liston." "Either way, it forces you to face your problems head-on." "There you are." "You ready to grab some lunch so that we can talk?" "Or not." "You know what, Kim?" "I don't think I can handle this right now." "Okay, yeah." "That's great..." "Heads up." " Hey." " Hey." " You seen JD?" " I have not." "Any idea where he is?" "Teaching CPR to underprivileged youth at Lincoln Middle School on 18th Street." "I can't believe he got that." "We are so ready for that charades tournament on Saturday." "Come on, Turk." "Where is he?" "You know, Kim?" "I'm sorry, but I really have no idea." "Traitor!" ""Slide down the lily pad and go ker-plop!"" "Space-wasters, why haven't any of you placed a pulmonary artery cath on this guy?" "Let's try to use our inside voice around the interns." "We don't want to scare them." "What new kind of crazy is this?" "Elliot snapped a little and decided the interns were her babies." "Oops, Jakie." "Somebody's got a little smudgie on his face." "There you go." "Long as he gets done." "Why doesn't Elliot have a freshly-ripped new one right now?" "I'm not freshly ripping anybody anything anymore." "I am done with anger." "Is that gonna be like the time you quit drinking?" "'Cause that was the longest twenty minutes of my life." "Your sarcasm is wasted on me, you giant pregnant beast." "This is an anger-free zone." "There's no anger here." "Guh!" "Counter!" "I filled it with blue Gatorade." " I just do that to freak people out." " Scintillating." "Say, since we're small talking, ... let me ask you a question." "Do you have any regrets about the way you lived your life?" "'Cause I think I do." "You've never been to Paris and cleaned a French toilet, huh?" "Good one." "No, that's not it." "Come on, be straight with me." "Do you think I'm wasting my life?" "Let's cut to the chase, freak-show." "If you're a 44-year-old man wearing a jumpsuit  and you are not climbing into the cockpit of a rocket ship, ... chances are you've made a lot of wrong turns along the way." "Good talk!" "Dude, what the hell am I supposed to tell Kim, ... when she asks why I drove off like that?" "Tell her you hate white chicks." "And then when she says, "No you don't," you say, "I mean 'White Chicks' the movie." "Not a fan of those Wayans brothers."" "Then she'll laugh and forget why she was mad at you." "You're right!" "That'll work." "But still, you need to man up and talk to her." "You have no idea what I'm going through." "Really?" "'Cause the last time I checked, ... I was having a kid, too." "That you planned with your wife, whose middle name you know." "It's Juanita, Turk!" "Carla's middle name is Juanita." "I knew it was something Puerto Rican." "What if Kim and I don't end up together, ok?" "I already have enough trouble meeting girls." "Can you imagine it now?" "Hey, how you doin'?" "I'm JD." "And this little bugger right here already hates ya for not being his real mommy!" "Wanna get freaky?" "I'm apparently very fertile!"" "My life has changed forever!" "You wanna be like everybody else and say "Everything's gonna be just fine!"?" "Dude, I'm your best friend." "I'll tell you whatever you want me to." "Say, Barbie." "Have you seen any of the interns around?" "Yeah." "They did so well at rounds, ... I'm just letting them watch a show." " Hi, interns." " Hi." "Look." "You pretty obviously have short-circuited." "Because the odds of you ever actually having a baby  are roughly on a par with me finding the Loch Ness monster in my bathtub." " I can't hear the TV!" " Okay." "Hi, honey." "Go on, get outta here!" "Come on!" "You too!" "Get outta here!" "Don't even say a word." "Mr. Slydell's ulcer perforated and he bled out." "He's dead." "If it isn't my beautiful bride, Carla Juanita Espinosa." "Juanita ?" "!" "You think my middle name is Juanita?" "I am going to kill JD!" "Dr. Dorian, look, this is a bit awkward." "But as Chief of Medicine, ... I feel obligated to ask you about your relationship with Dr. Briggs." "Was she naughty?" "I bet she's a hellcat." " Get help, sir." " Never mind." "It's better up here." "Mrs. Zeebee's CAT-scan came back." "Oh, man." "This just sucks." "Mrs. Zeebee, ... unfortunately the cancer isn't localized just to your breast." "We're gonna have to start chemo right away." "The most important thing to remember, when you see yourself in a patient  is that they're not actually you." "In fact, sometimes, they're actually who we wish we had the courage to be." "You know what?" "I'm gonna get through this." "Just you watch." "Not like I can change what's already happened." "The only thing to do is move forward and deal with it." "Right?" "Yeah." "Right then, I knew exactly what I had to do, ... come hell or high water." "I got your Juanita." "Juanita, huh?" "Well you can Juanita this right there." "What the hell?" "It's now or never." "Are you gonna let me down anytime soon?" "Not until you spend a little time acting like a flag." "As I acted like a flag,  ... I sensed that the Janitor learned nothing from this experience." "Dr. Cox, on the other hand, got halfway there." "He may always be angry at work, ... but he had learned to control himself when it counts." "Jacky, would you like some hot dogs?" "I don't want hot dogs!" "That's okay, 'cause we've got your favorite yogurt." "As for me, I finally came through, ... even if it was a little late." " Can we talk?" " That'd be great."