"You know, I don't really think about drinking much anymore, but I got to tell you, I was on a date last weekend, and..." "This girl is such a whack-job." "it's a miracle I didn't start shooting heroin before the salad showed up." "(laughter)" "(quietly):" "Hey, he's talking about me!" "Even funnier." "I mean, I think I spent the entire night listening to her complain about her nightmare of a mother." "(laughs)" "LEE:" "I know we're not supposed to judge anybody here, but whoever's sponsoring this girl isn't qualified to sponsor a bowling team." "Anyway, thanks." "All right, who'd like to share next?" "Mom - 02x09 Godzilla and a Spring of Mint" "Well, that's it." "We are gonna have to find a new meeting." "Shake it off." "Shake it off?" "I was humiliated." "Why would you talk about me on your dates?" "I think they have a right to know why I'm so broken." "The point is we can't go back to that meeting." "No, the point is don't date men in the rooms." "Where else am I supposed to meet them?" "You told me not to screw around at the restaurant." "No, I told you stop sleeping with your married boss." "That still leaves you all those single dishwashers and busboys." "That's tough; they all live together." "There's plenty of other places to meet nice fellas." "We should all go out together." "Your mom and I can be your wing-gals." ""Wing-gals"?" "Did I say it wrong?" "Perfect." "That's not a bad idea." "How about tomorrow night?" "Roscoe's gonna be with his dad, and Violet's gonna be..." "I don't know." "Wherever she tells me, it'll be a lie." "Tomorrow's no good;" "I have plans with your dad." "Oh." "Okay." "All right, Marjorie, it's just us." "No, honey, it's just you." "I have a date with Victor." "Who's Victor?" "Your old landlord, Mr. Perugian." "That's still happening?" "Yeah, kind of." "He drove me to chemo last Tuesday, so you might say things are heating up." "Hey, you could still go out, though." "Call another friend." "Yeah." "Yeah, I'll do that." "Who are you thinking?" "I don't know." "Phoebe, Monica, Rachel." "Those were the girls on Friends." "Were they?" "That's weird." "LEE:" "And then she tells me she's a maitre d' at this fancy restaurant 'cause she's too embarrassed to say she's a waitress." "Fine!" "We get it!" "I'm a loser, I'm a liar, I'm a whack-job!" "Okay, now we need to find a new coffee shop." "Roscoe leave?" "Yep." "Baxter just picked him up." "Hey, you look nice." "Thank you." "You look... comfortable." "I am." "I thought you were gonna get out there and meet people." "You know, I was, but then I got to thinking, I never have time to myself." "I need to take advantage of it." "So you're gonna masturbate." "I call it "making love."" "Okay, well, have fun." "I will." "You, too." " Christy?" " Yeah?" "Keep it on your side of the bed." "Okay." "A whole night to myself." "(sighs)" "I am all alone." "♪ I'm alone, I'm alone ♪" "♪ I'm alone ♪" "♪ But I'm not lonely ♪" "♪ Hey, I'm no phony ♪" "♪ 'Cause I'm not lonely ♪" "♪ I'm alone, I'm alone, I'm alone ♪" "♪ But I'm not lonely... ♪" "Mom." "You're not alone." "I am on the inside." "See you later." "Where you gonna be?" "The library." "Okay, just make sure the library uses a condom." "(sputters)" "Okay." "I can do anything I want." "Question is:" "What to do first?" "(sighs)" "Why does it take so long when I'm with a guy?" " This is delicious, Alvin." " Thank you." "When did you learn to cook?" "Couple years ago, I took some classes." "Really?" "What inspired that?" "My wife and I weren't getting along real well, and I was hungry." "(chuckles)" "Oh, you poor baby." " Leave room for dessert." " Ooh, what's that?" "Chilled whipped cream, a sprig of mint and my world-famous nuts." "Then I should probably skip these little potatoes." "(phone vibrating)" "Excuse me." "No." "Why did a picture of Godzilla just come up on your phone?" "The ex-wife." "What picture do you have of me?" "Well... how's that?" "BONNIE:" "Aw." "Go get the mint." "(phone vibrating)" "Whoa, Tokyo's in trouble." " If you need to answer it, answer it." " You don't mind?" " It's fine." "Go." " Just be a minute." "Okay." "Lorraine, yeah." "Nothing, just watching the game." "(mouthing)" "What can I do for you?" "No." "It's not my house anymore, which means it's not my roof, which means it's not my leak." "No, I can't come there right now." "No, I'm not with anybody." "I told you, I'm watching the game." "Seven to nothing." "I got to go." "I'll e-mail you the number of the roofer." "Good-bye." "So sorry about that." "Sorry about that." "No, it's fine, no worries." "So how are you enjoying being a building manager?" "Well, what's not to enjoy?" "We live rent-free, and 67 people think of me every time they successfully flush." "Why did you tell Godzilla you were alone?" "Lorraine?" "Why stir the pot?" "I get that." "Does she know we're seeing each other?" "Again, the pot, a desire not to stir." "Oh, my God." "I'm like some dirty little whore you keep on the side." "Bonnie, no." "Relax." "I like it." "♪ I'm alone, I'm alone, I'm alone, I'm alone ♪" "♪ But I'm not lonely ♪" "♪ 'Cause I'm doing lone-dree ♪" "♪ Yeah, I'm not lonely... ♪" "Hello." "Oh." "Hello." "You mind if I join you?" "Do you know the words?" "Pretty much "lonely, lonely, lonely," right?" "Pretty much." "Andy Dreeson, 2B." "Christy Plunkett, 1B." "Oh, so I'm on top of you." "Well, let's see how the laundry goes." "All righty." "Well, I know why I'm doing laundry on a Saturday night, but why is a beautiful woman like you here?" "Oh, please." "Beautiful." "Just I'm having a little quality me time." "Well, if you like, I can do my laundry later." " No, no, that's fine." " You sure?" "Oh, yeah." "I've had enough me time." "In fact, I'm kind of sick of me." "So you got anything exciting to wash tonight?" "Um, not really." "Mostly just underwear." "Boxer man, huh?" "Yeah, ever since I was a kid." "I tried the tighty-whities for a while, but then I came back to the boxers because I really like that extra ventilation..." "Oh, God, why couldn't I have just said yes?" "I'm a rambler, too." "I tend to go on and on." "I never know when to shut up." "It's like my brain and my mouth have separate agendas and I just..." " Oh, boy." " What?" "You're about to see a Batman T-shirt." "Okay, and I just want you to know that this was a gag gift." "Got it." "(imitates Batman):" "And I fight crime." "You like your dessert?" "It's okay." "What's wrong?" "I was promised your world-famous nuts." "(both laugh)" "I have never loved you more." "What do you say we take this in the other room?" "Mmm." "Let me just freshen up." "Hurry." "(knocking)" "Who the hell is this?" " Lorraine?" " Hello, Alvin." "I want to apologize for being such a bitch." "Like, today or always?" "You tell me." "What the hell are you doing?" "Ready for a little sex with the ex?" "All right, let's bring on those nuts." "Okay, before anybody overreacts, let's consider the possibilities." "I should go." "This is the game you were watching?" " You're drunk;" "I'm gonna take you home." " Oh, I am not drunk." "Then why are you dressed like a magician's assistant?" "Nobody asked you, home-wrecker bitch whore." "I am not a home wrecker." "What'd you think, you could crawl back after all these years and just get him back?" "What do you care?" "You threw him away." "And it looks to me like you're the one doing the crawling." "That's enough." "I'm taking you home, Lorraine." " I'll be right back." " Get her a cab." "She's the mother of my children." "Hey, I'm the mother of one of your children, too." "But at least he doesn't refer to my children as a mistake." "You called Christy a mistake?" "Bonnie... wait." "It's not that simple." "Well... she's a little high-maintenance." "BOTH: ♪ I'm alone, I'm alone, I'm alone, I'm alone ♪" "♪ But I'm not lonely... ♪" "Doesn't really work as a duet." "No, it doesn't." "Would you like a glass of wine?" "Oh, just some water's fine." "Your place is great." "Oh, thanks. (chuckles)" "I wish I could take the credit, but it was my ex who decorated." "Oh, breakup, huh?" "Sorry." "Was it recent?" "About a year ago." "That's great." "I mean... that you're over the hard part." "Yeah, we just wanted different things." "Let me guess... she wanted a commitment, and you wanted to keep your options open?" "No, I wanted to settle down." "Let me get you a coaster." "(mouthing)" "You have a dog?" "Uh, no." "I volunteer for a rescue society, so sometimes I foster the little guys until they find a permanent home." "Oh." "That's so sweet." "Uh, please don't tell the building manager." "Don't worry." "I've been keeping secrets from the building manager my whole life." "Do you mind if I put on some music?" "Sure." "(polka music playing)" "Sorry, just messing with you." "Yet it's still on your iPod." "(soft jazz playing) Better?" "Better." "♪ ♪" "So, Andy... what do you do when you're not doing laundry?" "Oh, well, uh, do you know Delforno Wines?" "(sighs):" "Oh, I used to." "I'm their in-house accountant." "Well, that's interesting." "No, it's not." "No, it's not." "What do you do?" "I'm in the restaurant business." "I own a place downtown." " Oh, well..." " Nope." "I'm lying." " I'm just a maitre d'." " Well, I mean..." "Lying again." "I'm a waitress." "You done?" "Yeah." "That's my final answer." "Well, I think waitressing is an honorable profession." "Thank you." "♪ ♪" "This turned out to be a pretty good Saturday night, huh?" "It did, didn't it?" "Pretty unexpected." "Yeah." "You like the unexpected?" "I do... like to think of myself as adventurous." "Me, too." "I'm really glad I met you." "Glad I met you, too." "Excuse me, I, uh, need to..." "Uh, down the hall." "I'll be right back." "Hey... totally hypothetical question:" "You like kids?" " No." " Oh." "I love them." "Oh." "Don't move." "Something's got to be wrong with you." "Let's see what's going on here." "No antibiotics." "Good start." "Oh." "Chewable vitamins." "Adorable." "No antidepressants, no anti-anxieties, no ointments." "Unbelievable." "I'm getting married." "All right, let's check out the honeymoon suite." "And the wedding's off." "ANDY:" "Do you like what you see?" "Andy!" "Look at you!" "What's happening now?" "You said you liked to be adventurous." "Yeah." "But I meant, like... pancakes for dinner." "Here, hold my leash and tell me what to do in a firm voice." "Okay, um... be normal." "I-I..." "I get it." "Uh... how about, sit." "Andy, sit!" "Good boy." "Now stay." "I said stay!" "♪ I'm alone, I'm alone, I'm alone ♪" "♪ But I'm not murdered. ♪" "(whines):" "Oh." "What?" "Christy, are you still masturbating?" "Quiet." "What the hell is going on?" "We have to find a new place to live." "What?" "Why?" "You know the guy up in 2B?" "Dog boy?" "What about him?" "You knew?" "Yeah." "He brings me the paper sometimes." "Okay, well, I almost made out with him." "Yeah?" "So?" "What do you mean, "Yeah?" "So?"" "Well, you could do worse." "And chances are, he's probably pretty loyal." "This isn't funny!" "I'm gonna have to see him all the time now." "You'll be fine." "Just keep some treats in your pocket." "(knocking)" "Oh, God." "(exhales) It's Dad." "Oh, God." "Tell him I'm not here." "Where is she?" "Um... she's not here." "(mouthing)" "Hey, Dad?" "Yeah?" "Whose side should I be on?" "Hers." "Damn!" "(scratching on door)" "(knocking)" "Can we talk?" "What's to talk about?" "You called our daughter a mistake." "What I said to my then-wife, who was throwing me out of my house, was that you and I having a baby when we were kids was a mistake." " And you believe that?" " Yeah, I do." "We were broke." "We were living in a Winnebago up on blocks." "But that was then." "Now that I've gotten to know Christy," "I realize having her was the best thing you and I ever did." "You know your wife's still in love with you." "What can I say?" "I'm catnip to the ladies." " You sure it's over?" " It's over for me." "In what world do you have two women fighting over you?" "(laughs):" "A great world." "I'm nowhere near as crazy as Lorraine, right?" "(chuckles):" "No, no, not even close." "Good. 'Cause I would've set you on fire if you'd said yes." "Hi." "Welcome to Wednesday's St. Luke's meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous." "I'm Carla." "I'm an alcoholic." "OTHERS:" "Hi, Carla." "I can't believe we drove 20 miles all because you're too much of a wimp to go to our regular meeting." "I'm sorry." "That guy embarrassed me." "I don't want to go back there." "You need to learn to stand your ground." "Don't let anybody run you off." "Yeah, yeah." "I wish I was strong like you." "Anyone new to A.A. here tonight?" " Hi." "I'm Lorraine." "I'm an alcoholic." " BONNIE:" "We're out of here."