"Guardian of the Universe." "Protector against the forces of evil" "He can catch a bullet, faster than a speeding train." "He leaps tall buildings in a single bound." "Up in the sky." "Is it a bird, is it a plane?" "...Mailman by day, guardian by night." "He protects New York from the forces of evil." "...The World has been protected by extraordinary men and women who have dedicated themselves to fighting crime." "He has powers far beyond the capabilities of mere earthlings." "I always wondered why nobody did it before me" "I mean, all those comic books." "Movies." "TV shows..." "You'd think that one eccentric loner would have made himself a costume." "Is everyday life really so exciting, are schools and offices so thrilling, that I'm the only one who ever fantasized about this?" "C'mon." "Be honest with yourself." "At some point in our lives, we all wanted to be a super hero." "That's not me, by the way." "That's some Armenian guy with a history of mental health problems." "Who am I?" "I'm "Kick-Ass"" "That's me." "Back before any of this crazy shit happened." "Guess I was the last person you'd expect to become a superhero" "Not saying there was anything wrong with me." "But there's not nothing special either" "I wasn't into sports" "I wasn't a mathlete..." "or a hard-core gamer..." "I didn't have a piercing, or an eating disorder, or three thousand friends on MySpace." "My only superpower was being invisible to girls" "And out of my friends, man, I wasn't even the funny one." "Like most people my age, I just existed." "Good morning, class" "Please open your books to act II, scene II" "Kick in my bedroom door, you'd probably find me watching TV." "Or talking to my friend Todd on Skype." "You watching Family Guy?" "Nope." "Me neither." "Or "jerking off"." "Mostly to my English teacher" "Dave Lizewski, don't think I haven't noticed you looking at my tits?" "Oh!" "..." "I want your hand all over me..." "Dave..." "Please" "Sure a lot of what got me through the average school day was making deposits in the wack-off warehouse for later" "Though, to be honest I didn't take much to set me off." "I swear, when hormones balance out shares in Kleenex are gonna take a dive, man." "Dave Lizewski" "Shouldn't you be looking at Hamlet right now?" "Yes, Mrs. Zane" "Sorry" "But don't get me wrong" "I like girls in my own age, too." "Especially Katie Deauxma." "Hey gorgeous!" "Hey!" "Oh, No" "Ah, you meant" " Erika" "I know." "I knew that." "I was just kidding." "O.K., cool." "oh, my God" "Hey, look I'm Todd's mom." "Oh, that's funny, this is your dad" "No That's still my mom, actually" "What the fuck?" "I was just a regular guy." "No radioactive spiders." "No refugee status from a doomed alien world." "You know what?" "Todd said they do still make Count Chocula." "They just don't sell it in the store anymore." "My mother was killed by an aneurism in the kitchen, as opposed to a gunman in an alley." "So if you were hoping for any..." "I will avenge you, mother!" "...You're outta luck." "In the eighteen months since my mother died, the only epiphany I had was realizing that, life just goes on." "Did they change the bee's face?" "No" "How come nobody's ever tried to be a superhero?" "well, I dunno." "Probably 'cause it's fucking impossible, dip-shit." "What, putting on a mask and helping people?" "How is that impossible?" "That's not a superhero, though." "It has to have Super" "Super is like, being stronger than everybody and flying and shit." "That's just hero." "No, It's not even hero, it's just fuckin' psycho." "Hello?" "Bruce Wayne?" "He didn't have any powers." "Yes, but he had all expensive shit that doesn't exist." "I thought you meant, like how come no one does it in real life." "Yeah, Todd, that's what I meant." "Dude if anybody did it in real life they'd get their ass kicked." "They'd be dead in like, a day." "... A day." "O.K., I'm not saying they should do it." "I just can't figure out why nobody does." "Seriously, out of all the millions of people who love superheroes you'd think one would give it a try." "Jesus, guys." "Doesn't it bug you?" "Why do thousands of people wanna be Paris Hilton, and nobody wants to be Spider-Man?" "Yeah, what's with that?" "She has, like, no tits at all." "Maybe it's the porn tape." "He doesn't have a porn tape." "You guys never saw One Night in Spider-Man?" "Guess who?" "Is it just me, or do you feel kinda sorry for Chris D'Amico?" "Yeah, must be terrible to have a rich dad and everything you want." "I wish you hadn't said anything. 'Cause I feel like I'm gonna start crying." "No, the fact that he's.." "..always on his own." "We should, like, talk to him." "See if he wants to hang with us." "...I'm not saying that we should talk to him, but" "Think about it." "C'mon it'd be awesome!" "If he was our friend, no one would ever fuck with us again!" "Go on then, Todd." "You know." "I, I can get up. - No, no - You wanna go talk to him?" "" "Nuh-uh." "Dave should go." "Dave should go." "Why?" "Dave you should totally go." "Go." "You're a dick." "Don't be afraid Dave" "You're a pussy" "Fuck off." "Wanna go over there?" " Yeah -..." "You think I just shat my pants or what?" "..." "Sea ya." "Yeah I would just klick his ass ?" "When did you ever kick anyone's ass?" "Whatever, man I would've just gone for his knees..." "You are not making sense." "What I'm saying is that in the Joker portion when he got in "Evaran" when he vowed to penetrate the Joker's force field leaving him totally vulnerable" "Pussy Patrol!" "Phones." "Money." "Dude, not again Come on" "Phone." "I don't have one!" "Somebody else jacked it last week!" "Pussy" "Gimme the bag It's just comics." "Yo!" "You wanna get cut?" "Look at this asshole, just watching" "Come on, be honest with yourself would you do anything differently" "We see someone in trouble and we wish we can help" "But we don't" "The world I lived in, heroes only exist in comic books" "But I guess that would have been OK, if bad guys were make believe too." "But they are not" "Frankie." "I'm telling you man." "I swear I'm not making this up." "This fucking guy..." "Comes outta nowhere kicks our asses and steals all the coke" "This would be the guy that looks like Batman." "I didn't say he looked like Batman." "You did Tre." "You said the the guy looked like Batman" "And you said like a mask and stuff and a cape?" "Yeah like Batman." "I didn't say like Batman - I never said 'Batman'" "OK" "Let me tell you the problem I got with that, Tre." "Our mole with the Russians tells things a little different." "according to him, you've sold him my coke and you took the money" "That's a fucking lie!" "I can't believe that you would believe this shit from a fucking Russian, man." "Let me see, Tre." "Hey, what's more likely?" "That you're a greedy little cocksucker," "Or that all my coke was stolen by Superman?" "Batman." "I never said Batman!" "Enough" "My son is waitin' out there in the car to go to the movies." "And I aint gonna to disappoint him" "Joe, you're in charge" "Thanks" " That's gotta be the worst fuckin' excuse I ever heard, Tre." "(Screaming)" "Sorry you had to wait, buddy." "The movie is starting in 10 minutes" "It's O.K. We're cool." "We're only gonna miss the trailers." "Yeah, but I wanted to, get some popcorn." "When we get in there, get Chris some popcorn." "Okay?" "What do you wanna drink, wanna Pepsi?" "Yeah, that's fine" "Get him a Pepsi and I'll have an Icee." "Mixed" "Like, when they mix the red one and the blue one?" "(gun shot in background)" "And a pack of Twizzlers." "The comic-books had it wrong." "It didn't take a trauma, or cosmic rays or a power ring to make a superhero." "...Just the perfect combination of optimism and naivety." "You are fucking awesome." "C'mon" "Daddy?" "I'm scared." "C'mon Mindy, honey." "Be a big girl now." "There's nothin' to be afraid of." "Is it gonna hurt bad?" "Oh, child." "Only for a second, sugar." "A handgun bullet travels at... more than?" "700 miles an hour." "700 miles an hour." "So at close range like this, the force is gonna take you off your feet, for sure." "But it's really no more painful than a punch in the chest." "I hate getting punched in the chest." "You're gonna be fine, baby doll." "How was that?" "Not so bad." "Kinda fun, huh?" "Now you know how it feels, you won't be scared when some junkie asshole pulls a Glock." "I wouldn't have been scared anyways." "That's my girl!" "Alright." "Up you get." "Two more rounds, and then home." "Again?" "Uh-huh." "Look, only if we can go by the bowling alley on the way back." "The bowling alley?" "Yep" "And icecream after" "Hmm" "Okay" "Two more rounds, no wincing, no whining and you got yourself a deal, young lady." "I'm gonna get Hot fudge sundae." "Good call, baby doll!" "So you gonna tell a little more about what you might want for your birthday?" "Can I get a puppy?" "Do you want to get a dog?" "Yeah." "A cuddly fluffy one." "and a Bratz Moviestar Makeover Sasha." "I'm just fucking with you daddy!" "Look." "I'd love a Benchmade model-42 butterfly knife." "Oh child." "You always knock me for a loop." "You know what?" "We gonna get you two" "Two?" "One ... ?" "Two ... ?" "That's what you get." "I'll be honest, there wasn't a whole lotta crime fighting in those first few weeks." "But even so, my new vocation kept me plenty busy." "I called it preparation." "But if you called it fantasizing, it woulda been hard to argue." "All I knew was I never felt so good about myself." "Fuck!" "Okay, maybe I was still in the beta testing phase." "But it was a start." "What the fuck are you looking at?" "Nothing" "Get the fuck out of here" "Like every serial killer already knew, eventually fantasizing just doesn't do it for you anymore." "It was time to engage" "What the fuck?" "What the fuck are you looking at?" "I said what the fuck are you looking at?" "Two cheapshit losers screwing with a car that somebody probably worked their ass off to pay for." "Say what?" "Leave it be man." "This Motherfucker is obviously high." "I'm not high." "I just think it sucks you guys think you can do what you want." "Just walk away from the car, and we can just forget about this." "You crazy, man!" "Fuck this shit!" "Shit!" "Get outta here!" "I came out just long enough to beg the medics not to tell anybody about the costume" "He promised he wouldn't" "All I knew was that my dad was gonna kill me." "Why can't I have a gun?" "I am a security guard" "You're a doorman, now." "You don't get a gun no more." "Look at me." "I look like a putz." "You look sharp." "Look at all them buttons" "Do your job." "Open the fucking door" "Have a nice day" "Good Morning Frank" "Hey Joe." "How ya doin'?" "Great - want some coffee?" "" "Maybe later" "Good morning Angie" "Chris - Good Morning Joe " "Frank we got a thing" "It's a big thing Frank" "OK" "Sorry then do what you gotta do" "Chris, where you think you're going?" "I gotta talk to dad." "Christopher" "Frank Honey" "Where do you think you're going?" "I don't mind you talking business." "Dad" "I was just gonna sit in there quietly." "I mean I should probably start learning and stuff, anyway, right?" "." "Go finish your oatmeal" "Goddamit!" "I'm gonna be 18 in eight months for christ sakes." "Take a seat" "So, what's the problem?" "Our Russian says Tre just sold them another 5 K's, at half price." "Which Tre?" "Tre Tre?" "Right." "Dead Tre." "So now I'm getting fucked in the ass by a ghost." "Or Tre was telling the truth." "What so this is my choice?" "I have to believe in ghosts or superheroes?" "Not the part about the superhero, Franky." "Just that he mighta really been gaffled by somebody." "I think we better invited our Russian over for a friendly chat." "See what's really going on." "Hey, early birdy" "You beat me to it." "I wanted to get you breakfast this morning" "Happy birthday, sweetheart check this out" "Oh!" "Thank you, thank you, thank you!" "Oh my God" "Dad" "Wow" "Wow, dad" "Ok, pop quiz" "What's the proper name for one of those?" "Isabelle It's... uh..." "Filippino." "Ask me another one." "Excellent, good." "The AR 15 was a lighter, smaller caliber version of what design?" "Eugene 7 AR-10 Give me a hard one." "Name John Woo's first full length feature." "Chi bi xia:" "Jue zhan tian xia" "Daddy look" "Hey, come on, you're not looking the point is some fucker's killing our guys" "If you find out who that is I don't wanna see any of you bitches sitting on your asses all right!" "What the fuck you...?" "Hello" "Hey Joe, yeah" "No, I was just training right now one second" "Dad... phone." "Dad, the phone's for you" "Who is it?" "it's Joe" "what's the problem?" " Yeah, Frank turns out, man's got the vice here no more." "Really - aha " "But we do got a brand new industrial microwave they use her for treating the lumber." "So where is it?" "I think you must be confusing me with someone who gives a shit about the fucking lumber" "Well, you're right, I'm sorry, - Just get the information " "Alright come on, go ahead" "Hey look the guy told me he killed Fernandez" "What I know?" " Shut up " "Jesus Fernandez is dead." "Now, shut up" "He lied, so..." "This works like a regular microwave, or what?" "Fuck do I know?" "We're not making a fucking Hungry Man dinner here, just turn it on!" "Here we go" "O.K. I want to know who sold you our coke?" "And don't tell me somebody who's dead, this time" "I said..." "Who" "Sold" "You" "Our... coke?" "Shit" "This is awesome" "I look like freakin' Wolverine." "They still have that metal detector at your school?" "Yeah, It's gonna have a meltdown!" "Dave, I need to ask you something." "OK" "The police report..." "They found you naked." "You said you didn't remember why." "The muggers... they didn't...?" "What?" "No" "Jesus!" "No!" "I wasn't even..." "In the ambulance, they threw my clothes away!" "Cause of the blood." "Right" "Seem like no time at all ...?" "back on my feet" "Dave, What?" " Shhhs." "Apart from the messed up nerve ending." "The doctors had managed to fix me up pretty good." "Did you feel that?" "No" "You're like fucking Jason Bourne or something!" "That owns!" "How about that?" "No." "Marty, give it a fuckin' rest, man." "I've only been back, like, half a day and already you're making fun of me at the hospital." "He's right I'm sorry" "You're acting totally childish" "Hey" "Dave Hey" "Oh, hey" "How are you?" "You look better" "I'm OK" "Yeah, much better" "Hey, you're into comic books, aren't you?" "Well... me and Erika sometimes hang out after school at this really great store," "Atomic Comics." "They make the best like Crack-a-back-a-latte." "Yeah...?" "Well..." "I could buy you one... sometime if you want?" "If you, like, need someone to talk to?" "sure, thank you" "Ok." "Sweet." "Well I'll see you later" "Man, did you just see that?" "!" "Yeah " "Katie Deauxma just offered to buy me coffee" "Yeah.." "I really don't think that's the way it looks like" "What are you talking about?" "The point is, Katie Deauxma is all about the lame ducks." "What's that got to do with me?" "I've been trying to figure out how to tell you this" "There's a rumor going around, right... that you... what?" "are gay" "Gay!" "What kind of rumor is that?" "Well you know, getting mugged..." "You guys have been mugged!" "Yeah, I know... but... you know.." "we didn't get beat up and have all our clothes taken off." "That's not even true!" "The medics threw my clothes away!" "Don't worry about it." "Rumors don't mean shit." "We know the truth" "Right?" " Yes " "Yeah." "And who knows, it might even get you laid." "Not if she thinks he's gay, Todd, you fuckin' retard!" "Thanks a lot, Marty." "You aint fucking helping me" "I'm just being honest" "I was getting back to my old self" "I should have quit, of course." "But you can't just re-program yourself what you want, who you are... your purpose in life." "oh no..." "I'm just stand around here" "It is what it is." "You didn't see that did ya?" "I think it's best that you just walk away" "Well maybe you shouldn't do that." "What?" "Huh?" "You looking at me?" "Well this is my baby." "Me?" "My hardware was fixed now." "I was back and running Kick-ass version 2.0" "Excuse me, did you see this cat?" "No" "Okay, thank you" "Excuse me, Madam, Have you seen this cat?" "I'm sorry, did you see this cat?" "Oh, great" "Here kitty" "Here Mr. Bitey" "Come on, no, no" "No, no, Mr. Bitey Come on" "Back here." "C'mon." "Let's get you home" "Come on" "Fuck you Mr. Bitey!" "Oh God..." "I'm so sorry, man" "You're fucking Green...!" "Hey freak..." "Hey, leave him alone" "Fuck off me" "It's none of your business." "Guess it is." "Hey, Call 911" "There's a dude dressed like a superhero out there fighting a bunch of guys." "It's Fucking awesome!" "Leave him alone" "Give it up man." "Just walk away" "No, never" "What the fuck is wrong with you, man?" "You'd rather die for some piece of shit?" "That you don't even fucking know?" "You're just three asholes laying into one guy while everyone else watches." "And you wanna know what's wrong with me?" "Yeah, I'd rather die." "You bring it on!" "(Police sirens in background)" "You're fucking crazy kid" "What?" "Thank you!" "That fucking rocks!" "Who are you?" "I'm Kick Ass" "Dude you gotta check this shit out." "what is it?" "And coming up after the hour: a costumed vigilante has become the latest Internet phenomenon after a Hamilton Park resident filmed the man's remarkable intervention in a gang-related attack last week..." "This is awesome" "Fuck Yeah." "Welcome to this special edition of Eye on New York" "How far would you go to help your fellow man?" "This colorful individual has been all over the news this week" "After this video of his intervention of street gang violence became the most watched clip on the Internet" "My Space... 38 friends" "Kick-Ass' My Space... 16000 and counting." "This thing was going crazy" "And I was loving it" "And finally, we want to know who is this man" "Does anyone have any idea who this wet suit Crusader is?" "He must be someone's son..." "Someone's brother..." "Someone's next door neighbor..." "Holy shit." "What happened?" "what happened?" "This guy happened." "That's a great day for America everybody" "Everbody's favorite superhero right now is Kick-Ass, right?" "Kick-Ass!" "Yeeaah!" "I like Kick-Ass" "His costume is crappy" "He looks like a trans..." "You know what?" "Everyone likes Kick-Ass" "He...is actually pretty good.?" "Good at getting his Ass-Kicked." "He should call himself Ass-Kick, instead" "That doesn't even make any sense." "That guy's gonna end up dead that's what I think." "Are you serious?" "The guy owns." "I'd be next if I had a problem needed fixing." "What you kidding me?" "I have 100 guys can fix a problem." "You gotta some guy in some panty-hose?" "Well, I wouldn't wanna get in the way of your business... where I'm not wanted." "Please, I know you are mistaking me for Kick-Ass, but I am not Kick-Ass." "You don't actually read comics?" "Yeah, I just started." "I got recommended some." "Like Scott Pilgrim and...?" "That kind of thing." "I'm not really into the whole superheroes thing, you know." "So... guess you're not gonna be lining up for that new Kick-Ass comic, then." "I guess not." "You know what, I was seriously thinking of mailing his site?" "I mean I could really use some help from a guy like that right now." "Help?" "Really?" "What with?" "You know I volunteer at the needle exchange?" "No, I didn't." "Well, there's this one guy, Rasul." "And I just felt so sorry for him and... more I found out about his up bringing and stuff I just..." "Wow, that's weird" "I'm usually the one playing therapist." "Can I make a confession?" "Ever since I was little" "I've always wanted a friend like... you." "Is it okay to say that?" "I mean it's no homophobic, is it?" "I mean I don't think you're all the same, right?" "Of course not." "No." "Thank you" "I don't know if I was everything Katie had always dreamed her gay b. f. f. would be." "But I tried my best." "But, more importantly, I talked her into e-mailing Kick-Ass." "Long story short, this particular lame duck of hers turned out to be more of a lame cobra." "She didn't want the money back that she'd given him, or an apology for the black eye he'd given her." "She just wanted him to get that they were through, and leave her alone." "let's be real no other request could've given me more pleasure." "Who the fuck you're supposed to be?" "The Greeen Condom?" "You know it ain't Halloween for another few months, kid." "I'm here to see Rasul" "Who the fuck are you?" "I am K..." "I'm a friend of Katie's" "Kids nowadays...?" "So Uhh... which one of you guys is Rasul?" "I am Rasul." "Can't you tell by my big tittys?" "What is this?" "Trick or treat or somethin'?" "fuck" "And now I am dead" "I have a message for Rasul." "About Katie Deauxma." "Katie?" "Oh you're Rasul?" "Ok." "You've gotta stay away from Katie now." "It's over." "So if you just leave her alone everything will be fine" "What?" "Yo Kid..." "Who the hell are you?" "What is this?" "I'm Kick-Ass." "Look me up." "And this is me giving you a message:" "leave Katie alone!" "Or what?" "Or" "I'll come back and break your fucking legs." "I'm right here now, baby" "hold him" "You're so fuckin' dead" "Ok, you cunts" "Let see what you can do now." "Eany..." "Meany..." "Miney..." "Mo" "What the fuck?" "Hey, I have one of those" "Come on" "So you wanna play" "What the fuck?" "Aww dude, that is one fuckin' gay fuckin' taser." "Relax." "We're on the same team." "Hey get Up" "Now, Hit Girl, we always keep our backs where?" "To the wall, Daddy I know." "Um... it won't happen again" "Nice shot by the way" "Thank you" "Be careful." "Hey, Green asshole." "Can't use the front door now." "Wait, wait, wait!" "What?" "Who are you?" "Me?" "I'm "Hit Girl"" "and that's " Big Daddy"" "Come on" ""Hit Girl" and "Big Daddy"" "They were real deal." "Me" "I was just a stupid dick in a wetsuit." "What is this, What am I lookin' at here?" "It was Sal's phone." "They found it in his hand." "They must have taken that right before he died" "I know this sounds fucked up, Franky... but that guy in the picture..." "I think it's that superhero nut job from the TV." "Who?" "Kick-Ass?" "One guy?" "Hold on." "You telling me one guy killed 8 of my men tonight?" "Eight at Sal's place... 4 at that kid, Rasul's." "We have no mercenaries on the streets at all." "Right." "Made to understand?" "One Guy" "You think?" "Nah if you're right, we're gonna look like the biggest bunch of pussies in New York" "What do you want me to do?" "I want Kick-Ass' fuckin' head on a stick." "And I want it now." "I didn't say anything, to anyone, I swear!" "Good move." "Ass, Kick." "Let's keep it that way." "You know what this is?" "All the cartridge crap that comes outta your gay little taser when you fire it." "Do you know the police could've traced it right back to you if they'd found it?" "Lucky for you, I picked it up." "Thank you." "Let's call it insurance." "Makes it easier for me to take your word." "See, we like you." "But we don't trust you." "Don't take it personal though." "We don't trust anybody." "I re-routed your IP address." "Finding you was way too easy." "Aw Shit." "Shit" "I hadn't thought" " My God, I..." "I owe you" "You know what?" "I'm thinking of shutting my site down anyway, quitting." "This is... fucking insane." "I'm in way over my head." "It's a shame." "You have potential." "Your call, son." "But, y'know, we're around if you need us." "How do I get hold of you?" "Just contact the mayor's office." "He has a special signal he shines in the sky?" "It's in the shape of a giant cock." "You need us, put on your web site that you're on vacation." "We'll find you." "Hit Girl, back to headquarters" "Sweet dreams." "I need you to get rid of Kick-Ass." "What's up?" "What's up?" "Kick-Ass is killing my men, Gigante, that's what's up" "My condolences." "But I'm afraid I can't help you out on this one." "He's movin' outside my jurisdiction." "Outside your jurisdiction?" "You're a fucking cop and he's breaking the law!" "That's so inside your jurisdiction it's ball-deep in your jurisdiction's ass!" "The boss pays me to nail the bad guys." "You pay me not to." "Everything else is in the grey area." "Yeah, Fuck you very much, Vic." "Just do it, okay?" "Un-fuckin'believable where is Cody?" "He's late" "Thank you, Cody." "We appreciate your cooperation." "Let me out now?" "I gave you all them names and address." "Hey, I won't say nothing to nobody." "You and you're crazy bitch friend can go back to where ever you once ...Hey c'mon now... that's a very bad thing you're doing now.." "Really nasty individuals..." "Let me go, Hey..." "Do not do this" "Come on!" "please.. hey.. stop!" "stop, please!" "(Screaming)" "What a douche." "You've done a self tan before, right?" "Yeah, I do it all the time." "Murder." "Superheroes breaking into my bedroom." "My life was turning into some fucked up dream I couldn't wake up from" "Even with the good parts, were totally surreal" "Oh hey, I read those old Ditko Spider-Mans you gave me?" "They're actually pretty good." "Yeah, they are." "And it's been a whole week since I've heard from Rasul." "That's great." "Once upon a time, there were two super cops called Daddy and Marcus... who were very good at getting bad guys" "Frank Damico was the baddest guy of them all and he came up with a plan to get rid of Daddy." "Being framed as drug dealer was the worst possible thing that could have happened to Daddy." "Prison was not his natural habitat" "He was very upset." "With Daddy in prison His pregnant wife was all alone." "And could not cope." "But all clouds have a silver lining." "And out of her death.." "Mindy was born" "Marcus became the child's guardian" "And Daddy started a plan of his very own." "Five years later he left prison" "And he was ready" "Now it's time for Mindy to get ready too." "How'd you find me Marcus?" "One of us is still a cop, remember?" "Now you brain-washed Mindy?" "You say brain-washed I say made it into a game." "What you call this?" "Playing, Damon?" "Vigilante justice." "Mass murder." "C'mon, partner." "So where is she?" "She's safe - Can I see her?" "" "I miss her," "I miss you both." "I appreciate your concern." "But you need to go now." "I should warn you that asshole, Gigante, is looking for Kick-Ass." "He got something to do with you Damon?" "You started some kinda fucked-up superhero club?" "Never heard of him" "Ok, well heads up, alright?" "You keep carrying on like you've been carrying on and it's only a matter of time before Gigante's looking for you." "He's been on Frank D'Amico's payroll ever since you passed up the opportunity," "You know I'm not gonna stop." "Not 'til D'Amico and his whole damn operation are burnt to ashes." "And buried." "It ain't gonna bring her back, Damon." "This is not the life for Mindy," "You owe that kid a childhood." "I'll tell you who owes her a childhood:" "Frank D'Amico" "Holy shit" "I don't fuckin' believe it." "Follow him." "Around the corner." "Not too fast" "He's doing the high fives." "I'll give 'em a motherfuckin' high five." "High five and bullshit" "Keep going, keep going." "Not too close" "He's going into the alley" "He's going to the alley" "Okay, when I tell you stop the car." "Ready?" "Hey Kick-Ass" "How ya doin'?" "Kill my men, huh?" "!" "Take my fucking coke?" "!" "What are you doing?" "Let us go, come on" "Come on, Frank, he had enough, Come on." "What the fuck are you looking at?" "Huh?" "Come on, let's go Come on" "He was so young" "Who would get to die that way?" "I just can't believe he's dead that's all" "Oh, I know." "Listen Katie, guys like Rasul..." "They get mixed up in stuff, and..." "I know, but what if it was my fault?" "What if Kick-Ass did it?" "I mean I feel like should call cops or something you're talking crazy!" "there's no way!" "He probably didn't even read your e-mail yet." "Yeah?" " There's nothing to worry about " "I'm so glad you're here" "I look like such a mess" "You look Okay." "I'm here" "Yeah I'm Okay." "I hope it's Okay to say this, but" "It so sucks that you're gay." "I don't fuckin' believe this" "What kind of children's enterfuckingtainer is that?" "Huh?" "What kind of kid has a Spider-Man party?" "Sure." "But a fuckin' Kick-Ass Party?" "What are they're selling paper plates and napkins down at the store, now?" "Frank, You're scarin' me" "You're losin' it." "Since when did you start getting your hands dirty again, huh?" "And in public." "Since when I asked you Fucks to deliver me Kick-Ass and you don't deliver that's when." "Hey give me a break it's been a week." "We e-mailed him." "We got half the crew doing petty crimes as bait" "We're bustin' our asses here." "What hell are you doing?" "You back on the Powder now, as well?" "(In child-like voice) Mommy, I want Kick-Ass party." "Dumb little fuck." "I know a way you could get him." "Aww shit." "Chris" "How long you been there?" "What the hell you doin'?" "Get the hell out!" "You wanna hear it or not?" "Hear what?" "Okay, look: you're a superhero and you're lonely but you can't trust anyone because either they'll expose your secret identity..." "Comic books, this kids reads, all fucking day long." "The point is, there's only one way a superhero would trust a stranger and..." "I could be that stranger." "You just gotta give me a chance." "I know I can do it." "I just need a few things." "Like what?" "I need these things." "What, you fucking kidding me?" "What the hell is this?" "It's everything I need." "And you might have to screw somebody over Like, Louie, or somebody." "Louie?" "!" "Oh whoa, hey, Chris" "Or somebody, it doesn't have to be Louie." " Tony" " Tony" "Tony?" "I hate Tony - Hey, fuck Tony he's a scum bag " "I swear, dad." "If you let me do this, it's gonna work." "Tony" "Tony Romita, one of America's most wanted crime king-pins was arrested in Queens today." "after a 911 cal from someone claiming to be a superhero" "So how are things going with Katie?" "Oh, just peachy." "Had a sleep over and spent the whole night watching the entire Ugly Betty box set and did pedicures." "I'm telling you, though the longer you wait, the worse it's gonna get." "I know." "I was gonna tell her." "She just seems so happy." "I don't know whens the right time." "Well, now's your chance." "Hey guys" "Hi" "Oh, did you watch the TV?" "The new superhero guy?" "How cool was that?" "What?" "Hey look." "Can you turn it up please?" "Check this out." "But it seems that far from being put-off, this individual, who calls himself Red Mist, has decided to take crime fighting to a new level, as his actions last night proved." "Red Mist, how do you see it?" "Well, I guess folks have just had enough of living in fear, you know, and uh..." "Kick-Ass really proved that one individual can make a difference." "So, If anyone out there needs help, I'll be fighting crime 25/8." "And I'm just one click away." "RedMist. org." "Can you turn that off now?" "What's so special about that guy?" "He caught, like, a drug dealer Some most-wanted guy" "He saw 'em bringing out, like, a ton of stuff," " That's Pretty cool." "Yeah. way better costume than Kickass, too." "He's gotta cape- Yeah " "Capes rock- Yeah " "I'm kinda feelin' the cape." "Looks good." "What, better than Kick-Ass?" "I mean they're both kinda hot I just think that Red Mist has a better body." "Don't you think, Dave?" "Yeah Dave what do you think?" "Is that the kind of guy you'd go for?" "With all that leather?" "No, not me." "No, he's not really my type" "Kick Ass" "Red Mist" "Oh shit" "Fuck me, that kinda hurt." "You OK?" "Yeah, no I'm cool" "I can't believe you're here, man." "like you're my hero." "You... inspired me." "No Kick-Ass, no Red Mist." "Seriously." "Wow." "Really?" "Straight up." "And listen if you.." "I dunno know..." "if you wanted me to be your sidekick or something like that..." "You wanna be... my sidekick?" "Yeah, man you and me together, we would own." "You wanna go fight some crime?" "Oh..." "I mean like right now?" "Yeah man, come on, I got something I wanna show you" "Uh.." "I mean like... to be honest with you," "I never fight crime between, like nine and two on weekdays, so I really need to get back pretty soon." "Sweet!" "This yours?" "Meet the Mistmobile." "Set-nav." "Got my iPhone so I can check the website for emergencies while I'm driving around." "Movin' up." "Mood lighting right there" "Rear view camera, no big deal." "Check this." "You're gonna fuckin' love this." "The Mist." "(Cheering)" "Hey!" " Yep." "That's right." "You wish you could be us." "They love us." "Smoke?" "Nuh-uh." "Ya know." "A little "Weed" takes the edge off things when I'm patrol.. ya know." "Runnin' up against a crowd can get kinda scary, don't you thimk?" "Something wrong?" "You're so not how I expected" "Oh, I got e-mail from this chick, she said this guy's been following her home from work." "I've got her address and stuff." "You wanna check it out?" "Sure, why not?" "Cool" "So this chick was totally naked, right?" "So I tell her to sit in my lap and talk about the first thing that comes up." "(Chuckling)" "Yep." "Let's get the tag?" "he's on his way." "Very good." "Don't kill him 'til I get there." "Right" "Looks like reading all them comics paid off, huh?" "Your boy did good, Frankie." "This is father's son." "(C'mon now... who do you.. who do you.. who do you.. who do you think you are?" "... ha, ha, ha.. bless your soul)" "I forget" "(I think your crazy..." "I think your crazy..." "I think your crazy... just like you)" "What... the... fuck?" "shit" "Hey!" "What are you doing?" "There are people in there!" "Shall we call the Fire..." "Shit!" "Mike!" "Mikey" "Shit!" "Red Mist!" "Hey, can you hear me?" "!" "Red Mist!" "We've got to get the fuck outta here!" "We gotta get the hell out of here!" "Just move your fucking ass!" "Shit!" "Did you see those bodies?" "Yeah, man." "Why'd you save the teddy?" "What?" "I don't know, man." "Come on." "come" "What the hell are you doin' Frank?" "You know I can't be here." "What if somebody saw..." "That little motherfucker, Kick-Ass, burned down my warehouse and killed my men, Gigante." "Whoa... wait,wait, slow down." "Kick-Ass?" "You sure?" " You gotta help me, Vic " "My son was there and he's still missing" "They're all dead!" "Everbody in the warehouse is dead!" "Put the gun down, Vic, it's Chris!" "Chris is Red Mist?" "!" "It's not Red Mist you gotta worry about, it's Kickass!" "No it's not." "Kick-Ass is just some geek!" "You don't have to worry about him" "You need to watch this!" "Why?" "What does it do?" "You're fucking kidding me" "What?" " Goddamit, just sit down " "What are you doing?" "What the hell is that thing?" "You bought this to spy on the nanny when I was a kid, don't you remember?" "Why?" "You put it in the warehouse?" "Yeah." "I thought it'd be cool to put the unmasking of Kick-Ass on the Internet, okay?" "Watch." ""Let's get the tag?" "he's on his way"" "Who the hell is this guy?" "I don't know, Dad" "But, Kick-Ass told me we're not the only super heroes in town." "Maybe he knows who this guy is." "I want this place locked down." "Nobody comes in, nobody goes out" "Not until somebody finds this cocksucker and blows his fuckin' lungs out through his chest." "Listen." "They're on to you." "Do you hear me?" "They're on to you" "I thought they were looking for Kick-Ass?" "Not anymore." "Gigante just put on a little movie show for us." "Different Superhero." "In a warehouse killing a whole bunch of D'Amico's guys." "I'm gonna take a wild guess that was you?" " I killed all the cameras." " Apparently not." "Look bro, you need to get ghost." "Hide yourself quick." "Appreciate it." "Mindy" "No more homework, baby doll" "It's time for Frank D'Amico to go bye-bye." "X" " Men, Fantastic 4" "Right now I can't beat the crap out of them." "Everything was out of control" "I didn't know what the hell to do" "You OK, buddy?" "You look tired" "Gonna have an early night tonight, maybe?" "And there was no one I could talk to about it" "Hello" "Yeah..." "I will." "I never felt more alone" "I've always dreamed of being a super hero" "But this... was a nightmare" "It was time to stop wearing this stupid costume" "But there was one last thing I needed it for" "What's the difference between Spider-Man and Peter Parker?" "Spider-Man gets the girl" "(Faintly from noise of blowdryer) Hey-I'm Kick-Ass!" "I'm Kick Ass" "You e-mailed me." "(Screams)" "Please..." "(Screams in pain)" "Oh..." "Fuck!" "Oh Fuck!" "Fuckin' freak in a mask-fuck!" "Get out of my house" "I'm not gonna hurt you, alright!" "No, no, it's me" "I was only trying to surprise you" " Dave?" "!" "Sorry - What the fuck are you doing?" "!" "Why are you dressed as Kick-Ass?" "Because I am Kick-Ass." "What are you talking about?" "And I'm also not gay." "Fuck!" "And I know I've been an idiot, and a shit friend, I lied to you, I know" "Oh my God!" "" "I know and if it makes you feel any better, I don't think you could hate me any more right now" "I hate myself." "Please I'm..." "Look, I'm really really sorry" "I've never met anybody who was as beautiful and as kind, and..." "lovely as you." "You deserve better." "Dave" "Yes" "My mom has the burglar alarm set downstairs." "You should probably use the window." "Or" "You could just stay." "stay?" "Like when we have a sleepover?" "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you" "We gotta get over the top of it and then into it right in the middle of her." "Daddy, I think I found one." "It's perfect." "And they can deliver it in three days..." "And it's three hundred thousand dollars." "Can you think of anything else you'd rather spend it on?" "Oh my Gosh that is cool!" "Yeah." "Add to shopping cart" "OK" "Out of Kickass and Red Mist, who do you think would win in a fight?" "Why are they fighting?" "That seems stupid" "What do you think?" "I don't know." "But I think Kick-Ass is cuter." "Really?" "I, for one, would definitely fuck his brains out if I got the chance." "You would?" "Definitely." "Do you... uh, feel like checking out that new Kate Hudson movie where... she's like a shoe designer kind of guy?" "I think we can make the next showing if we leave..." "Hell yeah." "I guess we're not invited" "Alright.. you know what, come here" "I'm going to request a great meal for you right now" "Suddenly, I understood why super heroes only exist in the comics" "I doubt why people didn't risk their life for strangers because, for the first time in my life" "I had something to worth living for" "Something to lose" "Katie was worried about me getting hurt, so I promised her my Kick-Ass days were over." "And the truth was," "I hardly missed it at all." "I hadn't even checked the web site for, like, a week." "Ok..." "I'm off then." "No Katie tonight?" "Tomorrow." "Wednesdays she does one of her volunteer things." "You seem like a different guy, you know that?" "Your mom would've been so happy to see you out of your shell like this." "Have a good night" "Hey, baby - Hi, what's going on?" "" "I gotta do that Kick-Ass thing" "What?" "I thought you were done with that?" "This is the last time." "I totally swear..." "I worry about you" "I wish you wouldn't worry." "I can't help it." "I do." "Because I..." "I... care about you a lot." "I... care about you a lot, too." "This better be serious, Dude, because I promised my girlfriend that I'm done with all this shit." "How about both of us being dead?" "Is that serious enough for you?" "Dead?" "How?" "Well it turns out those dead guys from the warehouse had some bad motherfuckers for friends and they think we did that shit." "There's a price on our heads, man." "A price on our heads?" "What is this, the wild west?" "They found out where I lived!" "They trashed my placed!" "I'm fucking screwed!" "And you're gonna be next, Okay?" "!" "Shit" "What do we do?" "Remember you mentioned that there were other super heroes" "Yeah." "Well, do you think they can help us?" "Hot chocolate, extra Marsh-mellows." "Oah." "That looks even cooler than in the picture" "Child" "You know because in the picture it didn't have Gatling guns" "Nice job." "I'm gonna take my new bed, Okay?" "Okay, baby doll." "Sleep tight - Thanks" "Oh, Kick-Ass?" "Mmh" "You go get dressed I'I tell him to meet us at safehouse B" "We'll have our hot-chocolate when we get back." "Okay daddy." "C'mon." "Here we go." "Do you know where that is?" "No." "But I'll just put it in the GPS." "Alright, let's go" "Shit" "Well" "Here you are, and Red Mist, too." "Pleasure to meet you." "Good to meet you sir." "Please, come in" "After you" "Hit Girl, manners.. honey." "Hi, I'm Hit Girl" "No!" "Hey he's with me, he's O.K.!" "Shut the fuck up, kid!" "Your daddy's the boss!" "You don't order shit!" "Are you shitting me?" "Shit!" "No!" "..." "He's with me!" "..." "Let him go!" "..." "Get outta here, get the fuck outta here" "Hotdamn, I always wanted one of these..." "Seriously you're gonna take that?" "Yes." "You know what being a super hero actually costs?" "You happen to be in a lot of trouble here." "Kick-Ass!" " Get em outta here!" "" "Kick Ass I'm sorry" "Get in there" "You better fire this asshole!" "Ignore him." "A Bazooka?" "OK" "We had a deal, dad." "We had a fucking deal that would get you the guy who did it." "All I'm asking is you let Kick-Ass go!" "He didn't do anything wrong!" "Chris, you gotta look at this from my point of view." "Okay?" "I gotta send a public service message to the people out there that being a superhero is bad for your health." "And the big motherfucker?" "Nobody knows who he is." "Yeah, but that's not fair!" "Life's not fair, kid." "Get over it." "What are you gonna do with them?" "You really want to be a part of my business?" "Yeah." "Then sit down, shut up and watch." "Frank, we're ready" "Enjoy the show" "You patched-up with this thing?" "I sure am big brother." "Watch and learn" "Welcome back to breaking news a world wide web broadcast of the New York superhero who calls himself Kick-Ass." "is about to be shown live." "Rumors have it that this will be Kick-Ass' farewell appearance that he will announce his retirement from crime fighting but as word-of-mouth continues to spread, internet providers are predicting that it could be one of the most widely viewed live events in web history." "Hey, where's Dave?" "Hey have you guys noticed - He's with Katie... obviously." "Why else would I be here?" "With no idea as to who is behind the broadcast of this show" "But we could see wide spread server crashes" "Dave, why didn't you tell this is what you were doing." "You're on the news." "Call me" "We go now over live to the countdown clock as we are moments away." "Showtime" "Hello boys and girls, now this... uh..." "well you know who this guy is." "And... uh... this guy here is Big Daddy" "And these are my friends." "Come on in guys say hello" "Yeah." "Yeah there they are Hello, Hello" "Now Big Daddy and Kick-Ass are gonna help us show you why being a hero is a bad idea." "You know what a silent "K" is?" "That's when "K" is at the beginning of the but you don't pronounce it like in the word knuckle duster" "Show them what knuckle duster can do, Guy." "Oh that must've hurt." "Let's see that again on the other side, go." "Oh Yeah, look at this" "Now in France they say the word stick like this..." "Ba-ton" "We have some of Kick-Ass' batons." "We're gonna show you what they can do." "Go ahead boys." "In America we say stick like this..." "Baseball Bat" "For hitting' knees.." "hands..." "It's also good for hittin' balls." "We don't do 'em individually, we do 'em all together." "Gentlemen please." "Yeah." "Oh this looks very painful..." "Due to the distressing nature of the images we are unable to broadcast the events currently streaming live on the Internet" "No No" "Misguided miscalculations suggest that this may be some kind of hoax or publicity stunt." "It is now clear that the hostages are in genuine danger" "That all signs point to the intentions to stage a live execution in the next few minutes" "Even with my metal plates and my fucked up nerve endings," "I've gotta tell ya, that hurt." "the silent killer" "But not half as much as the idea of leaving everything behind." "Katie" "My dad." "Todd and Marty" "And all the things I'd never do." "Like learn to drive." "Or see what me and Katie's kids would look like." "Or find out what happened on Lost." "And if you're reassuring yourself that I'm gonna make it through this since I'm talking to you now, quit being such a smart ass." "Hell dude." "You've never seen Sin City?" "Sunset Boulevard?" "American Beauty?" "And this,... for all you brave men out there..." "is fire." "Fire, Fire's good" "Fire is our friend" "Gentlemen" "Time to die." "What the..." "Find me a lighter" "I've got it" "No!" "Take cover, child!" "Now switch to Kryptonite!" "Eject, 2 rounds and relay!" "Show's over mother-fuckers." "Yeah!" "I think I'm in love with her, dude." "She looks like she's about 11 years old, but..." "I can wait." "I solemnly vow to save myself for her." "I can see that this can be really difficult for you." "Are you OK?" "Yeah." "Whoa" "Good job." "I'm so proud of you, baby doll" "Are you OK?" "Yes" "Getting shot, daddy, hurt a lot more than when you did it." "That's because I used low-velocity rounds, child." "You're the kindest daddy in the whole world" "I just..." "I love you" "I love you too, daddy" "I love you, dad good night" "What's your name?" "I mean, your real name" "A super hero never reveals her true identity." "What!" "?" "Look, you can't go on..." "However you lived before..." "It's over." "Is there anybody else?" "Any other family, or?" "I can take care of myself." "I saved your sorry ass!" "what about money?" "Alright, cause you've got to think long-term" "I've got three million dollars in a suitcase!" "That long-term enough for ya?" "It's not all about the money," "I owe you" "If not for you, I'd be dead." "if it wasn't for you my dad wouldn't be." "Look pack up whatever you need and we'll go back to my place." "I just need to clean up, I think?" "Woah." "I meant, like pajamas and clothes and stuff." "You can't take that stuff to my house." "You know what my dad would have really wanted?" "He would have wanted me to finish what we started." "And that's exactly what I'm gonna do." "Is this Frank D'Amico's place?" "All that security" "Are you crazy?" "My mom already died for nothing." "So, I'm sure as hell not gonna let my dad die for nothing too." "You can't do this on your own." "Exactly" "You wanna deal with owing my dad?" "Then shut the hell up and pick your weapon." "Is that what I think it is?" "Damn straight." "Oh you better start reading the instructions, 'cause you're gonna be using it in about five minutes." "Yo listen up, you've got 5 minutes and I want you back on your post and don't leave a mess" "Everything okay?" "Things alright, boss" "Can't believe I got my gun back" "Look at that" "You know it's not that.." "(Knocking)" "Let her in" "That's a little kid" "What's the matter with you?" "You okay, sweetheart?" "No, I lost my mommy and daddy." "she lost her mommy and daddy" "You wanna use my cell phone?" "Now can you remember the number?" "Had I ever been a real superhero?" "The most I'd ever had to offer the world was good intentions and a slightly elevated capacity to take a kicking." "With no power comes no responsibility." "Except that wasn't true." "shit" "Hey I'm in here come help me out!" "Wait, fuck this!" "And, everybody's dead!" "She's behind the counter, she's out of ammo." "Do you think they got her?" "If they didn't he will." "Get out there" "Now?" "Yeah, now" "What the fuck is going on?" "We got her trapped she's still alive" "So what the hell you guys waiting for?" "Go get her- Go ahead-." "I ain't got no fucking gun." "I'm not going in there." "Do it now" "Come on" "Fuck this shit." "I'm getting the Bazooka" "Bazooka?" "Bazooka" "Whoa hold it." "It's only me boss." "Everything is under control." "Under control?" "You're grabbing a fucking Bazooka you dumb ass." "Sir?" " Do it " "I always wanted to say this... say Hello to my little friend" "(Glory, Glory Halleluah song in background)" "Holy shit" "That is one weird sounding Bazooka" "Stu!" "Fuck!" "Get out" "Play time's over, kid." "I never play" "Oh really?" "Ruin my business, Huh?" "I'll kill every single fucking guy or gal in my way" "I wish my son was just like you." "It is time for family reunion" "Hey" "Why don't you pick on someone your own size." "You Ok?" "Yeah" "Time to go home" "Thanks, Kick-Ass." "My daddy..." "He would have been proud of both of us." "Dave" "Dave Lizewski." "I know that, dumbass" "Mindy" "Mindy MacReady" "Bye" "Mindy moved in with Marcus and he enrolled her at my school" "Bye - Good luck - first school she'd ever been to on the promise that I'd look out for her." "Hey" ""Not that she needed me too"." "Hey." "New kid." "Hi" "Lunch money." "Now." "(The screams of the two bully's getting their ass kicked)" "Kick-Ass was gone, but not forgotten." "And my world is much safer with all the new superheroes." "They said I was their inspiration" "But all I did was make a door into a world I dreamed about, since I was little kid." "A world full of super heroes, huh?" "like a great man once said..." "Wait'll they get a load of me."