"Good morning." "Good morning." "Wave those flags, son!" "Get out of there!" "Hit them again!" "Get out of here!" "Get out of them trees, damn it!" "Get them!" "Migrate south, will you?" "Mama!" "Mama!" "Three more radios for you, Shelby." "Not now, Tommy." "Mama!" "This nail polish is drying way too dark." "Practically Pink, my foot." "Looks like a stuck pig bled all over my hand." "lm sure I have something that will do." "Oh, no!" "It has to be delicate." "If I dont have something, your brother will go get some delicate pink polish." "Mom" "Jonathan, just a minute." "Great. ld love to see what the boys would pick out." "Delivery man!" "Someone stop that truck!" "Stop that" "Dont put ice down my back!" "You shouldve drowned them at birth." "Shelby." "See if you can get this." "My nails are wet." "Shelby!" "Maam?" "Would you look at those, please?" "Dad, over here!" "Behind the tent!" "Come on!" "Myrtle, hi." "Hold on, please." "lm gonna get you!" "Drum!" "Sweetheart, lm on the phone." "Stop that now!" "I cant hear myself think!" "Myrtle, the champagne glasses, theyre all broken." "Help!" "Spud!" "Spud, turn off that stupid television." "Get in here and finish dyeing these Easter eggs." "I ran out of stuff." "Well, thats why God invented the A P." "Gotta work on the truck." "No, you gotta get the lead out." "Yes, maam. I live to serve." "If those eggs are not at the church by noon, they dont get hidden." "Are you listening to me, Spud?" "Mrs. Jones?" "Are you Annelle?" "You sweet thing, come on." "Excuse me." "Pick up my green dress at the cleaners!" "Am I interrupting something?" "No, lm just screaming at my husband. I can do that anytime." "Please, call me Truvy." "Thank you." "Mama, look at this." "This was in the hall closet." "What is it?" "Rubbers." "Tommy says Jonathans planning to cover the honeymoon car with these." "Please stop him!" "Keep your voice down." "Jonathan!" "Boys, I wanna talk to you." "Tommy!" "Jonathan!" "Tommy!" "Jonathan, dont you decorate your sisters car with condoms!" "Its tacky!" "Its like talking to a brick wall." "If hes trying to drive me crazy, its too late." "There must be a better way to get rid of those birds." "We could cut down all our trees or change the migratory patterns of the birds." "Take your pick." "You told him to get rid of them." "I had no idea he would alienate the entire neighbourhood." "ltd be a lot more alienated if they got covered in bird shit at my reception." "Pretty talk!" "Do you have to be so crude?" "There." "I see a hole." "I was hoping youd catch that." "Its a little bit pouffier than I would normally do, but lm nervous." "lm not worried about that." "I usually wrap my entire head in toilet paper when I go to bed so it usually gets pretty shmushed down in that process anyway." "At the trade school, I was number one when it came to frosting and streaking." "I did my own." "Really?" "Thats good." "And I can usually spot a bottle job at 20 paces." "Your technique is really good." "Thanks." "I think your form and content will improve with time." "So, best I can tell, young lady, youve just landed yourself a job." "Oh, God!" "Thank you!" "Thank you, Miss Truvy." "No time for thanks." "Well be busier than a one-armed paperhanger." "Here, let me help you." "Its all right. I got it." "You got tiny little hairs and fuzzies all over you." "Theres so much static electricity in this room I pick up everything but boys and money." "Louie!" "Louie, hold up!" "I want you to meet Annelle." "Shes taking Judys place." "Swell." "Louie, take out the garbage!" "Cant." "Late." "Whatd you hire her for?" "Our son." "Were so proud of him." "Annelle, honey, what do you say we talk some trash?" "lm so excited." "I cant believe its happening." "lm a beautician!" "Glamour technician." "Glamour technician." "iii have you know, you are working in the most successful shop in this town." "Because I have a strict philosophy that I have stuck to for 1 5 years." "There is no such thing as natural beauty." "There is no such thing as natural beauty." "You remember that, or were all out of a job." "Just look at me. lt takes some effort to look like this." "I can see that." "So how long have you been in town?" "A few weeks." "New in town." "It must be exciting being in a new place." "I wouldnt know." "lve lived here all my life." "Well, tell me things about yourself." "Theres nothing to tell." "I live here. lve got a job now." "Thats it." "How about a few of these issues of Southern Hair?" "Sure, take them." "It is essential to stay abreast of the latest styles." "And lm glad to see your interest." "You must live close by." "At least in walking distance. I didnt see a car." "I dont have a car." "I been staying across the river at Robelines boarding house." "Thats quite a walk." "Ruth Robeline." "Now, there is a story for you." "She is a troubled, twisted soul." "Her whole life has been an experiment in terror." "Her husband got killed in World War ll." "Then her son got killed in Vietnam." "When it comes to suffering, she is right up there with Elizabeth Taylor." "I had no idea." "Hello!" "Clairee!" "Good morning." "Good morning!" "Id like to introduce you to the former first lady of Chinquapin Miss Belcher." "Id like you to meet Annelle." "lm a little embarrassed." "lm windblown." "lve just been to the dedication of the childrens park." "How did that go?" "Beautifully." "Except...." "Janice van Meter got hit with a baseball. it was fabulous." "Was she hurt?" "I doubt it." "She got hit in the head." "Janice van Meter is the current mayors wife." "We hate her." "They named the new park after Clairees late husband." "This town is so proud of her." "Thats nice." "Whats your family name, dear?" "My married name is Dupuy but lm originally from Zwolle." "How nice." "Theres towels in the dryer." "Would you fold them and bring them in?" "Sure." "Thank you." "Sweet gal." "Whered you find her?" "Yesterday, when Judy quit I called up the trade school and told them to send me a warm body." "And Annelle was the valedictorian of the hairdo class." "And I think theres a story there." "What makes you say that?" "For starters, shes married but shes living over at Ruth Robelines alone." "Id get to the bottom of this if I were you." "You have some silverware youd like to keep." "lm not worried about that." "Shes just as sweet as she can be." "And, besides, I kind of like the idea of hiring somebody with a past." "She cant be more than 1 8." "She hasnt had time to have a past." "Get with it, Clairee." "This is the 80s. lf you can achieve puberty, you can achieve a past." "That man!" "I swear, I dont know how MLynn puts up with that." "Go on, get out of here!" "Jackson, please." "lm gonna talk some sense into you." "Its bad luck to see me before the wedding." "So you are gonna marry me." "Come on, now, we can work this out." "Shelby, please." "You know you wont go through with this." "You dont have to give back all the wedding presents." "That VCR alone is worth getting married for." "And I love you." "If my daddy catches you here the question of whether or not I can have your children wont matter." "He will cut your thing off." "Say youre gonna marry me." "I hate suspense." "You meet me 2:00, Presbyterian Church." "iii be the one in the veil, down front." "lm gonna make you very happy." "Well see." "Give me the sports." "Boys were off to Truvys." "Jonathan, keep your eye on your brother, Tommy." "Am I my brothers keeper?" "Youre your brothers warden." "And that horrible womans coming by to deliver the grooms cake in about an" "Wheres your father?" "His coffee kicked in." "Shelby, lets go." "lm coming, Mama." "I said ld be right there." "Youre gonna be late for your own wedding." "lm wearing my hair down because Jackson likes my hair down." "The veil would be prettier with your hair up." "Get over it, Mama." "Oh, God!" "Come here!" "Stop it, Rhett!" "Oh, shit!" "its Miss Ouiser." "Back door." "Drum!" "Come here." "MLynn!" "Open the door!" "I know youre in there!" "I think theres somebody at the door." "I think its for Daddy." "I know youre in there!" "Say, Please." "Thank you." "Get over there, Rhett!" "Stop pulling!" "Sit!" "Rhett!" "Sit!" "Sit!" "Ouiser, you look like hammered shit." "Dont you talk to me like that!" "lm sorry." "You look like regular shit." "I have such a bone to pick with you." "Stop egging him on." "Come here." "I have just come from the vet." "Come here, Rhett." "Whitey Black says that all this noise youve been making around here for the last few days has been causing a nervous condition in my dog." "Look at this." "All his hairs falling out." "I gotta give this animal tranquillizers." "Whitey Black is a moron. lm not even sure he has opposable thumbs." "If youll excuse me, ive got a little work out in the back yard." "Hi, Miss Ouiser." "Leave me alone." "Now, you listen to me." "I dont know if lm coming or going." "I heard you got so screwed up, you cut your dog out of your will and had an ungrateful nephew put to sleep." "lm about at the end of my rope." "Well, tie a noose in it and slip it over your head." "Damn it, Ouiser." "I dont wanna kill you." "Boys, bring me my gun!" "Dont you threaten me, Drum Eatenton, or I will call the police." "I gotta scare away about 5 zillion birds before Shelbys reception." "If I dont, lll have to deal with my wife." "I make it a point never to deal with my wife." "That dog is on his last legs." "Whatll I do with him?" "Serve him on toast." "Did you get those magnolias out of my tree?" "The judge has not decided whose tree that is exactly." "It is mine." "I will speak to MLynn about this." "Now, are these chocolate chips semisweet or milk?" "Theyre milk." "is the Karo syrup light or dark?" "Its a matter of taste." "Wheres the other one you were talking about?" "Cuppa, Cuppa, Cuppa." "Thats simple." "You dont need to write it down." "Thats a cup of flour, a cup of sugar, a cup of fruit cocktail with the juice." "Then you mix and bake at 350 until gold and bubbly." "Sounds awfully rich." "lt is." "So I serve it over ice cream to cut the sweetness." "iii be right back, honey." "MLynn, it looks like youre ready to roll." "And I think we can trust Annelle here to do that." "Her coiffure cards in a little box on the counter." "I dont know." "Today is a very special day." "My work is too pouffy when lm nervous." "Stop that!" "Youre a professional now so just get over there and bang some hair." "Does your dress have to go over your head?" "No." "Good." "lm sorry." "Relax." "You cant screw up her hair." "Just tease it and make it look like a brown football helmet." "I must have missed the passage in Emily Post that said:" "All abuse is heaped on the mother of the bride." "Hush, girls." "Your mama never tells us much." "Whats Jackson like?" "Hes really cute." "I thought he was a pest at first, but he kind of grew on me." "Now I love him." "You made a very good catch, Shelby." "Louisiana lawyers do well, whether they want to or not." "I dont really care." "Dont get me wrong." "The money is real nice and all." "But I just like the idea of growing old with somebody." "My dream is to sit on the porch, covered with grandchildren, saying:" "No!" "and Stop that!" "Will you quit your nursing job?" "Never!" "I love it." "I love being around all those babies." "Drum and I both feel that she should not work after she gets married." "lm so anxious to discuss this topic for the 900th time this week." "You shouldnt be on your feet all day." "Be kind to your circulatory system." "You know what you need in here, Truvy?" "You need a radio." "Music is a wonderful thing in the background." "It takes the pressure off everybody feeling they have to talk so much." "I used to have one, but I slammed it against the wall when I couldnt figure out where the batteries went." "Of course, I know now I was suffering from premenstrual syndrome." "Radio?" "What did I just hear--?" "Oh, yes." "The Antilley family is selling KPPD." "I wonder how much radio stations sell for." "Miss Clairee." "You should buy KPPD." "You got plenty of money." "What would I do with a radio station?" "Business never interested me." "Lloyd took care of that stuff." "I hope you and Jackson will be as happy as Lloyd and I were." "We had such a good time." "Until November." "At least he hung on through the state playoffs." "Miss Clairee, there are still good times to be had." "I really do love football." "But its hard to parlay that into a reason to live." "What are your colours, Shelby?" "Theyre blush and bashful." "Her colours are pink and pink." "My colours are blush and bashful, Mama." "How precious is this wedding gonna get, I ask you?" "My colours are blush and bashful." "I have chosen two shades of pink." "One is much deeper than the other." "But the bridesmaids dresses, they are really beautiful." "Ceremony will be too." "The walls are banked with sprays of flowers in my two shades of blush and bashful." "Pink carpets specially laid out for my service, and pink silk bunting draped over anything that would stand still." "It looks like its been hosed down with Pepto-Bismol." "I like pink." "Pink is my signature colour." "How many bridesmaids?" "Nine." "Nine?" "Good Lord." "Exactly." "Mama made me have my cousins and Margie St. Maurice." "Lets not go into this now." "You know there was no way around it." "It will be pretentious." "Daddy says, An ounce of pretension is worth a pound of manure." "The poet laureate of Dogwood Lane." "Mama, I wish youd get off Daddys back." "l dont wanna get into" "Fill us in on the reception." "My reception!" "My reception!" "Ferns, dancing, tons of people!" "Every pink flower west of the Mississippi." "Wedding cake in the dining room and the grooms cake...." "Hidden in the carport?" "Shelby and I, we agree on one thing." "The grooms cake." "Its awful." "Its in the shape of a giant armadillo." "An armadillo?" "Youre joking, right?" "No." "Jackson wanted a cake in the shape of an armadillo." "His aunt makes them." "Its unusual." "Its repulsive." "Its got grey icing." "I cant even begin to think how youd make grey icing." "Worse, the cake part is red velvet cake." "Blood red." "People will hack into this poor animal that looks like its bleeding to death." "The rehearsal supper was a real experience." "Mama, it wasnt that bad." "It was out at Jacksons uncles place on the river." "He comes from a good old Southern family with good old Southern values." "You shoot it, stuff it or marry it." "Theyre simply outdoorsy, thats all." "Did yall do anything especially romantic?" "We drove down to Frenchmens Point and went parking." "Oh, Shelby." "Really!" "MLynn, leave her alone." "This is my favourite part." "This is the romantic part." "See, thats what really melts my butter." "Then we went skinny dipping, and we did things that frightened the fish." "Its been a long time since weve had a youngster in this place." "We talked and talked and talked...." "l love those kind of talks in the arms of the man you love." "Actually, we fought most of the time." "You fought?" "I told him I wouldnt marry him." "What?" "Whyd you go do a thing like that?" "Its okay now." "We worked it all out." "Its probably just one of those last-minute jitter things." "No, but the weddings still on." "Well, thank goodness." "Because this is going in the Hairdo Hall of Fame." "Shelby, you scared us." "That wasnt a nice thing to do to your mama." "Never say that to a woman whos marinating 50 pounds of crab claws." "But the making up can be so romantic." "I miss romance so much." "Truvy, it cant be that bad." "Oh, really, now?" "The last romantic thing my husband did for me was back in 1 97 2." "He enclosed this carport so I could support him." "I think I have something that could cheer you up." "Drum and I plan to talk to your husband about adding on to our house." "MLynn, are you serious?" "If you give Spud a job, lll give you hot oil treatments for the rest of your life!" "Annelle, this looks pretty good." "I think you know what youre doing." "Thank you." "Mrs. Eatenton, you have great hair." "Your scalps as clean as a whistle." "l try." "It must run in the family." "This younguns got the prettiest hair lve ever had my hands in." "So thick." "Just because lm bragging on you dont mean you can get lazy on me." "Stop it." "Shelby?" "Shelby!" "MLynn!" "iii get some juice." "Theres some candy in my purse." "I have some right here." "Shelby." "Shelby." "Hold on." "Clairees getting you some juice." "Should I get her a cookie?" "No." "Juice is better." "Heres the juice." "You need some juice." "You need some juice." "Stop it, Mama." "Drink the juice." "Please drink the juice." "No!" "Stop it!" "I have some candy in my purse." "You didnt bring your purse." "You didnt bring your purse." "No, you didnt." "No, here you go." "There you go." "Drink some of this." "Its not any wonder with all this running around and wedding nonsense." "Excuse me." "Should I call the doctor or something?" "Shes a diabetic." "She just has a little too much insulin, thats all." "Well get a little more in her." "Shell be all right." "If you dont leave me alone, lm gonna leave." "Id love to see you try." "Cooperate, please." "Honey, drink." "Please." "Come on, now." "Thattagirl." "Yes, yes, yes, yes." "There you go." "There you go." "There, there." "Thats a start." "This one hit her fast." "Shes been so upset lately." "Dr. Mitchell told her on her last appointment children arent possible." "Dont talk about me like lm not here." "Shes making some sense now." "Yes, she is." "This one was not bad at all." "It was not bad at all." "I think we need a little more juice." "Could I do something to help?" "No, no." "Shell be fine." "Dont fuss over her." "Normalitys very important to Shelby." "Here, MLynn." "Thanks." "lm really sorry about the children part, MLynn." "I know." "Shes afraid Jackson will be throwing away his chance to have children." "Jackson said:" "Shelby, dont be stupid." "Theres plenty of kids out there need good homes." "Drink some." "Well adopt 1 0 of them." "Well buy them if we have to." "Jackson sounds like good people to me." "Mama, lm sorry." "Thats all right, honey." "Its all right." "Its all over now. its all" "You hold your juice." "Its all over." "Hold your juice, all right?" "You all right?" "Truvy, lm sorry." "lll fix it." "Well fix it." "What did I do with my gun?" "Whered you leave it?" "How the hell do I know?" "Come on, we have work to do." "Daylights burning." "Were gonna get rid of some birds!" "Got the arrows, Daddy." "All right." "Look here." "Look here." "l got the targets." "Were not going target shooting." "Miss Clairee, what cute shoes!" "You think so?" "lm not so sure myself." "They seem a little too racy for me." "iii probably give them away." "Theyre just too cha-cha for words." "If you decide to get rid of them, lll buy them." "What size you wear?" "In a good shoe, I wear a size 6." "But a 7 feels so good, I buy a size 8." "Theyre 8 1 /2." "Perfect." "Lord, give us strength!" "Come here, Rhett!" "That is one ugly dog." "What kind of dog is that?" "If it had hair, itd be a Saint Bernard." "This is it. I have found it." "I am in hell." "Good morning, Ouiser." "Dont try to get on my good side, Truvy. I no longer have one." "Come here, Rhett." "Youre a little early." "That is precisely why lm here. lve gotta talk to MLynn about her husband." "He is a boil on the butt of humanity." "lm sorry." "This whole thing has gotten out of hand." "Its not your fault, MLynn." "I used to think you were crazy for marrying that man." "Then I thought you were a glutton for punishment." "Now I realize you must be on some mission from God." "Daddy isnt trying to drive you crazy." "Hes trying to make my reception nice." "His hearts in the right place." "Ouiser, I know for a fact there will be no more gunshots." "But he was gonna fire a gun at me." "Theyre blanks." "Drum would never, ever point a gun at a lady." "Hes a real gentleman." "I bet he takes the dishes out of the sink before he pees in it." "Who the hell are you?" "Ouiser, this is my new" "Fine." "Now, I know everybody in this town." "And I dont recall having seen you before." "I just moved into town not too long ago." "With your family?" "I dont have any family." "Your husband?" "My husband?" "Yes." "Thats kind of hard to say." "I dont know." "You dont know?" "Well, lm not sure." "Youre not sure?" "lm intrigued." "Are you married or not?" "These are not difficult questions." "I cant talk about it." "Of course you can." "Well, lm not sure if lm married or not." "Hes gone." "Men are the most horrible creatures, honey." "They will ruin your life." "Everything is horrible." "Bunkie, thats my husband, he just vanished last week." "He took all the money, my jewellery, the car." "Most of my clothes were in the trunk." "Hes in big trouble with the law." "Drugs or something." "The police keep questioning me, but I dont know anything." "They say that our marriage may not be legal." "I wish youd have said something." "I was scared to." "I need a job in the worst way." "I didnt know if youd hire someone who may or may not be married to someone who might be a dangerous criminal." "But, Miss Truvy, I swear to you that my personal tragedy will not interfere with my ability to do good hair." "Of course it wont." "I dont think things could get any worse." "Of course they can." "We are awful." "We are all hateful, awful people." "Here, all weve been talking about is weddings and psychotic animals." "What can we do to help?" "I know one thing I can do." "Today youll drop by my house and have some bleeding armadillo cake." "Oh, yes, you must." "I couldnt." "I still get real emotional sometimes." "Not today, you wont. lt is going to be a great party." "I dont have anything to wear." "No problem. I bet I have something thatll do. lll call the house." "Thanks." "All right." "Load me up." "Ready?" "All right." "Ready." "All right." "Are you ready?" "Stand back." "Here we go!" "What the hell is that?" "Got them right between the legs!" "All right, you nailed them!" "I hope no one was hurt." "Shelby, get my things." "Miss Ouiser, that dog will eat Daddy alive!" "Ouiser, talk to your dog!" "Hell listen to you!" "its my wedding day!" "Say something to your dog!" "Kill, Rhett!" "Kill!" "Daddy, what happened?" "Bite him in the balls!" "Sorry." "lm sorry." "Now." "Shelby." "Shelby, its time." "Daddy." "Its time." "Daddy, its time." "its time!" "its time?" "Who gives this woman in marriage?" "Her mother and I do." "Dearly beloved...." "This has been the happiest day of my life, Daddy." "lm glad, sugar." "lm not talking too loud, am I?" "No, youre fine." "Shelby loves you very much." "I hope so." "Cost me 60 bucks to rent this sucker." "lm being serious." "So am I." "I got the receipt right here." "Could I say this, please?" "Shelby is so happy." "I know when youre young it seems like everything will always be perfect." "Maybe it will be." "Promise to think about it before you make any big decisions about family." "I know what youre saying." "Good." "What can I get you?" "Nothing." "No, thanks." "You sure?" "Its free." "Come on, whatll it be?" "A cherry Coke." "Sure." "So are you a friend of the bride or the groom?" "Neither." "Shelby invited me." "I dont know why lm here." "lm Sammy." "This is the best cherry Coke in the history of the world." "Can I help you, sir?" "That Jackson he is one big hanging man." "Yes, I know." "Nancy Beth, come along." "Calories, calories." "Calories, calories." "I dont like Belle Marmillion." "I dont trust anybody that does their own hair." "Thats not normal." "Shes our best volunteer at the Mental Guidance Centre." "Shes so good with troubled children." "Wish I had taken Louie there when he was little." "I shouldve known he had problems when his imaginary playmates wouldnt play with him." "Your boy grew up fine." "Hes just a little scary, thats all." "I think itd be fun to have access to all that secret, personal information." "Come on, MLynn." "Wont you tell me some of your most bizarre cases?" "Let me see if I can figure out who they are." "Theres some pretty sick tickets in this town." "iii do no such thing." "Cut that out." "You old fuddy-duddy." "lm not speaking to you." "What a shame." "I mean it, Drum." "Can we call a truce long enough for me to get a piece of cake?" "Thanks." "Nothing like a good piece of ass." "Id rather walk on my lips than to criticize anybody." "But Janice van Meter...." "l know." "iii bet you money she paid $500 for that dress and dont even bother to wear a girdle." "Looks like two pigs fighting under a blanket." "I havent left the house without Lycra on these thighs since I was 1 4." "You were brought up right." "Congratulations, Drum." "Fantastic party." "Ouiser, theres someone ld like you to meet." "That looks like an autopsy." "This is Jacksons Aunt Fern Thornton from Alexandria." "She made the cake." "You did this?" "Guilty." "But its very simple, really." "It just takes patience." "You only do armadillos?" "No, I can do anything." "Except snakes." "I dont have the counter space." "Mama." "Help me." "Well, this is it." "Youre finally rid of me." "I think youll be back every now and then." "Corsages are pretty stupid when you think about it, arent they?" "You make Jackson Latcherie take good care of you." "Mama, Jackson will take care of me." "And lll take care of him." "And lm not stupid." "iii get my bags." "Well, the boys just brought the car around." "What did they do to it?" "Let me put it this way." "If you and Jackson want to practice safe sex youre all set." "Truvy, are you leaving so early?" "iii have some sweet dreams with this under my pillow." "Tell your husband I hope he feels better." "Hes gonna be fine." "Say hello to Spud." "lll do it." "lm sure hes sorry he missed all this." "It was a beautiful wedding." "Thanks, Truvy." "Thanks a lot." "Bye." "You leaving so soon?" "Hi." "Hello." "Would you like a ride?" "I have new shoes." "I have to break them in." "Good night." "Keep her away from me." "Stop it." "Walk me home, Clairee." "You just live over there." "I dont wanna walk in that house by myself." "You watch the evening news." "You know what kind of world were living in." "Walk me home." "Whos gonna walk me home?" "Youve got the flashlight." "My cars parked over there." "Come on, I wanna" "This is ridiculous!" "Youre only a few feet away from here." "Follow me." "Youre acting like a child." "The older you get, the sillier you get." "And the older you get, the uglier you get." "And last, but never least, Santas most beautiful helper this years Miss Merry Christmas, Nancy Beth Marmillion!" "Get it while the gettings good!" "Best food in Louisiana!" "Blood, sweat and tears go in every little bowlful." "Right, boys?" "Thats right, Truvy." "One, two, three, four." "Shelby!" "Get your little country butt over here." "Were you trying to sneak by us without buying some of our jumbo shrimp?" "Theyre hot and spicy, just like Annelle." "Stop!" "Try one." "Weve already pulled their little heads off them." "lm just killing time." "Jacksons found a firearm." "We may never see him again." "How about some iced tea?" "Its the house wine of the South." "Perfect." "Oh, coming up." "Your mamas happy you got home in time for the festival." "I wouldnt miss the festival for the world." "Hows your family?" "Fine." "Spuds as outgoing as ever." "Louie brought his girlfriend home." "The nicest thing I can say about her is all her tattoos are spelled correctly." "Truvy!" "Get your money away." "Thanks." "My hairs not the only thing thats changed." "So much has happened." "After they finally put Bunkie Dupuy behind bars and I was rid of him I went wild. I was running around, drinking, smoking" "Jezebel!" "Truvy helped me see the error of my ways." "She gave me a place to live." "I go to church. lve done guest lectures on beauty at the trade school." "Our little Annelle here has become one of the hottest tickets in town." "Its true." "I am enjoying the city more, and lm so excited about this Christmas festival." "Theres a Messiah sing-along tomorrow." "Whats the matter?" "Nobody move!" "Nobody move!" "My contact!" "Stay back." "Stay back." "Dont move!" "Can you back up, please?" "Hello, darlings!" "When did you get into town?" "This afternoon." "Here." "Merry Christmas." "lm showing Jackson everything." "Hes never been to the festival." "Make sure you listen to the football game tonight." "What are we listening for?" "Me. lm a working gal now." "Didnt your mama tell you?" "Mama never tells anyone anything." "lm the colour announcer for the Devils. lm fabulous." "lm just too colourful for words." "Nice of them to let you on the radio." "Nice, nothing." "I own the radio station." "You bought it?" "Yes." "KPPD the station of choice in Chinquapin Parish." "Mrs. Belcher, weve gotta go!" "Bye!" "Kickoff!" "Well?" "Rolly Bassett got the contract." "His bid was 6000 under mine." "Six thousand?" "He owns all his own equipment and I dont." "Its hell to be poor and hired out." "I have got some fried chicken here, prepared by Christian women a bottle of cheap wine and ive arranged for some pretty incredible fireworks." "Come on, Spud." "I dont wanna miss the Nativity made entirely out of sparklers." "l dont feel much like it." "You will once we get there." "lm happy where l am." "We always watch the fireworks." "This is KPPD radio station of choice in Chinquapin Parish..." "This is Bark Boone with colour announcer Clairee Belcher." "Thank you, Bark." "You know, its a shame our listeners cant be here to see the gorgeous new Devil uniforms." "Theyre lovely." "I myself would never have chosen those white pants." "I wouldve gone with a darker colour." "White shows everything." "Just look at those grass stains." "lmpossible to get out." "Its hard to keep white clean when youre tackled." "But I love the tops." "Such a vibrant purple." "Bark, would you call this colour grape or aubergine?" "Shut up!" "What?" "Youre making a fool out of yourself." "I am not!" "This is football." "All people wanna hear about is touchdowns and injuries." "They dont give a damn about that grape shit." "We have a new psychiatrist that comes in two days a week." "Of course, I pick her name out of the grab bag." "lve gotta get something for her." "Would you put that on the list?" "I have no idea what to get your father." "Whats Jackson giving you?" "Do you know?" "Furniture." "Furniture?" "Well, my!" "Must be nice to be married to a rich lawyer." "For the living room?" "No, for the nursery." "We wanted to tell you when you and Daddy were together, but you never are." "Its every man for himself." "lm pregnant." "I realize that." "is that it?" "is that all youre gonna say?" "What do you want me to say?" "Something along the lines of Congratulations." "Congratulations." "Would it be too much to ask for a little excitement?" "Not too much. I wouldnt want you to break a sweat or anything." "Its in July." "You have to help me plan." "Were gonna get a new house." "Jackson and I are going house hunting next week." "He loves to hunt for anything." "What does Jackson say about all this?" "Hes so excited." "He says he doesnt care whether its a boy or a girl but I know he really wants a son so bad he can taste it." "Hes cute about it." "Its all he talks about." "Jackson Latcherie, Jr." "Does he ever listen?" "When doctors and specialists give you advice does he listen?" "I know you never do." "Does he?" "What?" "I guess since he doesnt have to carry the baby, it isnt any of his concern." "I want a child." "What about adoption?" "You filled out applications." "No judge is going to give a baby to someone with my medical record." "Jackson put out feelers about buying one." "People do it all the time." "Listen to me." "I want a child of my own." "I think it would help things a lot." "I see." "You worry too much." "I never worry, because I always know youre worried enough for both of us." "Jackson and I gave this a lot of thought." "Theres a first time for everything." "Dont start on Jackson." "Your body has been through so much." "Why would you do this to yourself?" "Diabetics have healthy babies." "You are special, Shelby." "There are limits to what you can do." "I am going to be very, very careful." "Nobodys gonna be hurt or disappointed or even inconvenienced." "Least of all Jackson, lm sure." "Youre jealous." "You no longer have a say-so in what I do and that drives you up the wall." "Youre ready to spit nails because you cant call the shots." "I did not raise my daughter to talk to me like this." "Yes, you did." "No, I didnt." "Whenever we asked what you wanted for us when we grew up, whatd you say?" "lm not in the mood to play games." "Just tell me what you said." "What did you say?" "The only thing I have ever said to you is that I want you to be happy." "The one thing that would make me happy is to have a baby." "If I could adopt one, I would, but I cant." "lm going to have a baby, and I wish youd be happy too." "iii tell you what I wish." "I dont know what I wish." "I dont know why you have to make everything so difficult." "I look at having this baby as the opportunity of a lifetime." "Sure, there may be risk involved, but thats true for anybody." "But you get through it and life goes on." "When alls said and done, therell be a piece of immortality with Jacksons good looks and my sense of style, I hope." "Please." "Please." "I need your support." "I would rather have 30 minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special." "iii hand it to you." "I dont wanna hit you." "Okay, I got one hole left." "Right." "Put the cords so they dont show." "ltll look tacky." "You told me about 40 times." "Did you do all this?" "Guilty." "Truvy just turned over the decoration responsibility to me." "I went to the fire sale at the Baptist Bookstore in Shreveport last week." "They had mismatched manger scenes at incredibly low prices." "I cleaned them out of baby Jesuses, which I made into ornaments." "Ready to roll." "Shelby, would you do the honours?" "Here you are, Mrs. Latcherie." "Thanks, Sammy." "Ready?" "Annelle, its wonderful!" "It works!" "How cute!" "I think your elves have gone berserk." "Shelby!" "I wasnt expecting to see you here today." "lm running a special." "Its called a Christmas quickie." "lm beyond help. lve discovered the early stages of crows feet." "Time marches on, and eventually you realize its marching across your face." "Stop it." "Oh, no." "Its Miss Ouiser." "lm supposed to give her a pedicure today." "I hate working on her feet." "It couldve been worse." "She couldve wanted a bikini waxing." "Lets not get graphic." "Why not?" "Miss Ouiser, I met an old friend of yours." "Owen Jenkins." "Owen!" "Now, theres a blast from the past." "You remember him?" "He remembers you." "Of course." "He had the longest nose hair in the free world." "He doesnt now." "He hardly has any hair anywhere." "Owens been gone from Chinquapin since God was a boy." "I forgot he existed." "He lives in Monroe and goes to First Presbyterian." "He found out where l was from and asked if I knew you." "He used to live in Ohio." "His wife just died recently, and hes moved back down here." "Does this story have a point?" "No, not really." "He just remembers you fondly, I think." "I cant imagine why." "He was not a bad fellow." "But I managed to run him off and marry the first of two deadbeats." "Maybe I could arrange for us all to get together." "Maybe not." "Why not?" "In a few decades, I married the two most worthless men in the universe and proceeded to have the three most ungrateful children ever conceived." "The only reason people are nice to me is because I have more money than God." "lm not about to open a new can of worms." "What?" "If this is how you feel, it isnt healthy." "Maybe you should come down to the Guidance Centre and talk to someone." "lm not crazy, MLynn." "lve just been in a very bad mood for 40 years." "Merry Christmas." "Look at you. ls that new?" "I made the dress with my own two hands." "I just threw the rest of it together." "The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize." "Annelle, why are you so late?" "Did you and Sammy get tangled up in the tinsel?" "Truvy, you kill me." "Merry Christmas." "Thank you." "Merry Christmas to you." "Oh, darling." "Your nephew Marshall is a little piece of heaven right here on earth." "Theyre family and I love them, but they do look like theyve all been carved out of cream cheese." "Clairee, lm surprised at you talking about your kin that way." "As somebody always said:" "If you cant say anything nice about anybody, come sit by me." "Thats a good one." "Somebody wants to see you." "Who?" "lve opened the can of worms for you." "Hell." "Owen Jenkins." "Hello, Louisa." "Remember me?" "My God, you look different." "Have you shrunk?" "You look terrific." "Youve hardly changed at all." "lm not as sweet as I used to be." "I cannot believe Shelby did that." "Owen." "After all these years." "lm not sure I can be gracious under pressure." "Shelby does a lot of things I cant believe." "Whats wrong with you these days?" "You got a reindeer up your butt?" "Everybody!" "Tommy, get all these people outside." "Quiet down. I just want a moment of your time, folks." "Today, my daughter told me a big secret." "Now, dont worry, honey, lm not gonna tell them youre pregnant." "lm just gonna tell them lm gonna be a granddaddy." "Thats wonderful!" "Grandma!" "Congratulations!" "Aint you excited?" "Smile. it increases your face value." "The doctors said Shelby couldnt have children." "What do they know?" "She showed them." "The doctors said she shouldnt have children." "Theres a difference." "This baby is not exactly great news." "To Jackson and Shelby." "I really wish I had some words of wisdom, but I dont." "So why dont we just focus on the joy of the situation?" "ltll be fine." "Absolutely." "You know what they say:" "That which does not kill us makes us stronger." "Nothing pleases Shelby more than proving me wrong." "And to my new grandbaby." "May he be as good-looking as I am." "Born on the third of July" "He's a Yankee Doodle sweetheart" "He's a Yankee Doodle boy" "Yankee Doodle went to London Just to ride a pony" "He is a Yankee Doodle boy" "Go ahead, blow it out." "Go ahead, blow it out." "This is boring." "You only have a first birthday once." "Hes making a wish." "l wish hed blow out the candle." "I cant stand this." "Dont you dare!" "Come on, here we go." "One, two, three." "Happy birthday!" "iii be back from Truvys in about an hour." "Anything you want?" "I think ill come with you." "I wanna get my hair cut." "Short." "And I want Truvy to do it." "Its easy to take care of." "Id love to be able to run my fingers through it and go." "I think that would be precious." "I feel the need to make things as simple as possible." "Let me go tell Jackson." "I just cant seem to find the wipes." "Theyre in my bag. ls he wet?" "Hes muddy." "Clairee, finish about your nephew." "Get to the good stuff." "Well, I have to admit Marshall did go about it the wrong way." "He marched in and without so much as a hello, he said:" "Mama and Daddy, I have something to tell you." "I have a brain tumour." "I have three months to live." "Naturally, Drew and Belle became hysterical." "Then he said:" "Hey, folks, lm only kidding." "lm just gay." "That was his idea of breaking the news gently?" "Marshall was always very theatrical." "I wonder what Drew and Belle must be feeling about this." "I dont know." "Theyve considered themselves a model family for so long." "First Nancy Beth dethroned from her Miss Merry Christmas title because of that unfortunate motel thing." "What motel thing?" "I dont live here anymore, remember?" "Nancy Beth was discovered in a local motel with a high political official." "They were both high." "Theyd been smoking everything but their shoes." "Shes the first Miss Merry Christmas to be caught with her tinsel down around her knees." "Speaking of drawers, hang on to yours!" "Oh, gosh." "You dont like it." "I did what you asked me, didnt l?" "Yes, you really did a beautiful job." "Its just that...." "Sweetheart, dont." "Please dont cry or I will too." "I have a strict policy that nobody cries alone in my presence." "I love it." "Lets do my nails." "This is a treat!" "Nobody around here ever wants a manicure." "I dont think ld even know what to charge for a full days beauty." "lm gonna need one too." "I am gonna paint my front door red and change my name to Elizabeth Arden." "Amen." "Amen." "lm gonna need some more cuticle oil." "ls it still next to--?" "Second shelf." "Was she praying?" "Yes." "Why?" "Got me." "Maybe she was praying for Marshall and Drew and Belle." "Maybe she was praying because we were gossiping." "Maybe she was praying because the elastic is shot in her pantyhose." "Who knows?" "She prays at the drop of a hat these days." "How long has she been this way?" "Since Mardi Gras." "She had a choice of going to a Bible weekend with her Sunday school or to New Orleans with me and two other sinners." "Whats her boyfriend say?" "Sammys so confused he dont know to scratch his watch or wind his butt." "He could deal with another man, but hes having trouble with the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost." "Well, does Marshall have, you know, friends?" "We discussed that." "I asked him how he met people." "In my day, a mans demeanor told which side his bread was buttered on." "But in this day and age, who knows?" "I asked Marshall, How can you tell?" "And he said, All gay men have track lighting." "And all gay men are named Mark, Rick or Steve." "Be a soft-spoken dog!" "Morning." "Whats so funny?" "Clairees just been telling us this true story of track lighting." "I love mine." "Highlights my new artwork." "Since when do you have track lighting?" "About three weeks. its in the foyer up the staircase." "My grandsons idea." "I havent seen him in ages." "How is he?" "Steves fine." "Oh, God." "Your hair is so short." "Youre almost chipper." "Why are you in such a good mood?" "Did you run over a small child?" "Tomatoes." "Dont give all these to me." "Somebodys gotta take them." "I try not to eat healthy food if I can possibly help it." "The sooner my body gives out, the better off lll be." "I cant get enough grease into my diet." "Then why do you grow them?" "Southern women are supposed to wear funny-looking hats and ugly clothes and grow vegetables in the dirt." "Dont ask me those questions." "I dont know why." "I dont make the rules." "Now, thats attractive, Ouiser." "Honey, what have you done to yourself?" "It doesnt hurt." "MLynn, have you seen this?" "Yes, I have." "The doctors strengthening my veins." "Theyre in terrible shape." "My God!" "It looks like you been driving nails up your arms." "What is going on?" "Shall we tell them?" "I guess we cant keep it a secret any longer." "Shelby has been driving nails up her arm." "Its my dialysis. its no big thing." "Dont look at me like that." "Having Jack, Jr., strained my kidneys and now theyre kaput, thats all." "The doctor said this would probably happen." "Thats all?" "Thats all, she says." "Do you do this dialysis forever?" "Well, I could, I suppose." "But its not convenient when keeping up with Jack, Jr." "So lll have a kidney transplant." "iii be fine." "ls it that easy?" "Sure." "They do them all the time in Shreveport." "They do." "Our Sunday school class was just praying for one the other day." "But the hard part is finding a kidney, isnt it?" "I saw something about it on TV." "Very dramatic." "Medical teams fly all over the place taking hearts and kidneys and who knows what else." "You know what impressed me?" "They carry the organs in beer coolers." "Stop it!" "Those doctors take out their six-packs throw in some dry ice and a heart and get on a plane." "How long do you have to wait for one?" "There are people on dialysis that have waited for years." "That must be agony." "I suppose, but lm lucky." "I dont have to wait anymore." "Mamas gonna give me one of her kidneys." "When?" "We check in tomorrow morning." "So you better get going on my nails." "Annelle, lm dripping." "lm sorry." "I shouldnt have said that." "Said what?" "Back at Truvys." "I said ld be better off when my body wears out." "I shouldnt have said that in front of Shelby." "And I didnt mean that." "Ouiser, nobody pays any attention to you." "But I feel bad, Clairee." "lm a terrible person." "No, youre not." "Youd give your dog a kidney if he needed one." "This is just a gesture." "Were not feeding Drum till the end of time." "Drum loves pork and beans." "He eats them with everything." "That explains a lot." "Youre supposed to soak the red beans overnight." "But we dont have overnight." "I wanna take it to them before they leave for the hospital." "Lets cook something else." "I already bought the stuff." "Its in the Freezes Beautifully section of my cookbook." "I wanna take something that freezes beautifully." "Then well make red beans and rice." "Sammy Dwayne Desoto, what is this in my Frigidaire?" "Beer." "I dont care what you do in your refrigerator but you wont keep liquor in mine." "Annelle, for Christs sakes." "Who?" "Christ." "Who did you say?" "Christ, Christ, Christ." "Are you speaking of our Lord?" "is that whose name youre taking in vain?" "Thats the one." "I am sorry, Sammy, but I wont spend the next 50 years of my life with someone who I wont run into in the hereafter." "Annelle, goddamn it." "I think we should pray." "Id rather eat dirt." "Shelby says her half of the operations easy." "I guess MLynns is terrible." "They basically have to saw her in half to get the kidney out." "They do it on Circus of the Stars all the time." "Dont joke about it, Spud." "I feel awful for them." "I guess the Eatentons are lucky." "They all know how much they mean to each other." "Maybe lm jealous." "Hand me that socket wrench, would you?" "Which ones a socket wrench?" "The socket wrench." "This funny-looking thing?" "Thank you." "Thats not funny." "Okay, no more transplant jokes." "Daddy doesnt like them." "Whose turn is it?" "Mama, give me all your internal organs." "I mean aces." "Dad, lm sorry." "It just slipped out." "Go fish." "iii put this little one to bed." "Mama, lll do it." "No, no, let me." "After tomorrow, itll be a long time before I can pick him up." "So much for the card game." "Movie!" "Yes!" "Old and black-and-white." "Nothing dirty there." "I got it." "A classic." "A Tale of Two Kidneys." "You think thats funny?" "Thats not funny." "I overslept because I was up late cooking." "lve gotta get these beans to the Eatentons and its my Sunday to count the offering and I just know lm gonna miss church." "Cool down. lm gonna have to turn the hose on you." "I just dont know what ill do." "I know what youre gonna do." "You are gonna get in this car and were gonna drop that pot of beans off at the Eatenton house." "Then you are going to church with me." "I dont know." "Honey, God dont care which church you go to, as long as you show up." "Ouiser, what brings you here?" "Shut up." "I was just wondering how things were with you and Owen." "I can report that the Sherwood Florist delivery truck stops by her house at least twice a week." "He knows I like fresh flowers." "And I can report that a strange car is parked in her garage at least once a week." "There." "My secret is out." "I am having an affair with a Mercedes-Benz." "We are in the house of the Lord." "Oh, like she cares." "Ouisers never done a religious thing in her life." "Now, that is not true." "When I was in school, a bunch of my friends and I would dress up as nuns and go barhopping." "Ouiser, forgive me, but I just been dying to ask you this." "Are you and Owen, you know...?" "Wait, wait. I have to get a mental picture of this." "A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste." "Not that this is any of anyone elses business but no." "Were friends." "He would like more, and I am dealing with that." "But I am old and set in my ways." "You are playing hard to get." "At her age, she should be playing beat the clock." "Miss DeLord, is 240 on telemetry?" "Yes, he is." "Thank you." "May I help you?" "Could somebody fix my /V, please?" "Someonell be there in a minute." "Wendy, will you check 240s iv?" "I think that despite everything, we have a very good result." "Looks good." "Looks real, real good." "Thanks." "Surprise!" "I cant believe this!" "I have always wanted to give a wedding shower with a monster motif." "Thats what you get for getting married on Halloween." "My heart!" "Come on, lets open the gifts." "Youre welcome." "Next." "MLynn, applique...." "With some little fringe on them and some applique." "Quiet down." "Quiet down." "It says, Better late than never." "Look out, Sammy!" "Whos that from?" "its not signed." "Here, let me see." "What?" "Id recognize this penmanship anywhere." "You have the handwriting of a serial killer." "I just thought Sammy wouldnt mind you reading the Bible in bed if you were wearing something inspirational." "Yuck, yuck." "Put down split crotch." "This is from Shelby." "Thats disgusting." "Shes sorry she couldnt be here." "Shes on duty." "How is she?" "Fine." "I fed baby Renz, but I havent fed Alex, okay?" "Gotta get home for Halloween." "Have a good evening." "This is too cute." "Now, where did you find it?" "Aunt Fern made it. I cant wait to get home and try it on Jack." "I even taught him to say, trick or treat, or something" "Something kind of like it." "Could you hand me that bag, Pam?" "Thanks." "Good night." "Good night." "Here you go." "Thank you." "If this dont work on my husband, come back." "Yes, maam." "Thank you." "See you." "Looks like somebodys husbands coming home tonight." "When you work a seven-day stretch on an oil rig all you wanna do on your day off is sleep." "But lm gonna do everything I can to keep him up." "Anne Boleyn had six fingers." "Whos Anne Berlin?" "Anne Boleyn." "She was one of the six wives of Henry Vlll." "I never watch public television." "She had six fingers." "What happened to the other four?" "She had 1 1 total." "Are you trying to confuse me?" "No. I just want to expose us to a little more culture." "And thats not easy to come by in this neck of the woods." "How about taking a theatre trip to New York?" "I dont wanna expose myself to anything." "Broaden your horizons." "You broaden your horizons your way, and I will broaden my horizons mine." "lm gonna support the arts in this area." "iii write a check. I support art." "I dont have to see it." "It wouldnt harelip you." "Can I get one thing straight with you?" "I do not see plays, because I can nap at home for free." "I dont see movies, because theyre trash and got naked people in them." "I dont read books, because theyll make them into a miniseries." "You would be a much more contented, pleasant person if you would find ways to occupy your time." "I am pleasant!" "Damn it!" "I just saw Drum Eatenton at the Piggly-Wiggly and I smiled at the son of a bitch before I could help myself!" "lm sorry, Miss Ouiser." "You take your Bible and shove it where the sun doesnt shine." "Put it in Mommys pocket." "There we go." "Well zip you up, and well go trick-or-treating right after dinner." "Lets go in and make some spaghetti." "Lets go call Daddy, okay?" "Darling, lm home." "Whats the matter, pal?" "What?" "Whats the matter?" "Okay, buddy." "Oh, my God." "Okay, baby, just wait right here." "Shelby?" "Baby?" "rejection of the kidney...." "The coma may be irreversible." "Good morning." "Good morning, Gladys." "Were doing our Jane Fonda." "The exercises are good for her." "Heres the one where youre holding him." "Youre looking at him, hes looking at you and then you all looked over at me." "Remember?" "Open your eyes, Shelby." "Open your eyes." "Look at him." "He wants you to open your eyes, Shelby." "He wants you to open your eyes." "Lesson Three:" "Never be afraid to try a brave new look." "Now, that could mean wearing daring to wear a sexy slip of a dress that bares" "Honey, itll do you good to get out for a while." "Eat a real dinner." "What if she wakes up for two minutes and lm not here?" "For example we know where you can get a top-of-the-line hairstyle" "Call Clairee." "Call Connollys Funeral Home." "Its the nicest." "Youre gonna have to get her pink suit." "The one with the little red cherries on the lapel." "Wheres Jack, Jr.?" "Aunt Ferns." "Theres your grandma." "Pumpkin." "Does this tie go?" "You look real nice." "Thought ld come to the funeral, if you dont mind." "I dont mind." "I feel sorry for them, you know?" "I mean, especially Jackson." "Losing Shelby like that." "If that ever happened to me I dont know what ld do." "A thing like this just doesnt make any sense." "No sense at all." "I just think about what Annelle says:" "The Lord works in mysterious ways." "What the hells this for?" "It makes you pretty." "Come on home, honey." "How you holding up, honey?" "lm fine." "It was a beautiful service." "The flowers were the most beautiful flowers I have ever seen." "They were beautiful." "It should make you feel a lot better that Shelby is with her King." "Yes, Annelle, I guess it should." "We should all be rejoicing." "Well, you go on ahead." "lm sorry if I dont feel like it." "I guess lm selfish." "Id rather have her here." "I dont mean to upset you by saying that." "Its just that when something like this happens I pray very hard to make heads or tails of it." "And I think that in Shelbys case she just wanted to take care of that little baby and of you, of everybody she knew." "And her poor little body was just worn out." "It just wouldnt let her do all the things she wanted to." "So she went on to a place where she could be a guardian angel." "She will always be young." "She will always be beautiful." "And I personally feel much safer knowing that shes up there on my side." "It may sound real simple and stupid and...." "Well, maybe I am but thats how I get through things like this." "Thank you, Annelle." "I appreciate that." "And its a real good idea." "Shelby wouldnt want us to get mired down and wallow in this." "We should handle it the best way we know how and get on with it." "Thats what my mind says." "I wish somebodyd explain it to my heart." "Drum says you never left her side for a second." "I couldnt leave my Shelby." "I just sat there and kept on pushing the way I always have where Shelby was concerned." "I was hoping shed sit up and argue with me." "And finally we realized there was no hope." "We turned off the machines." "Drum left." "He couldnt take it." "Jackson left." "I find it amusing." "Men are supposed to be made out of steel or something." "But I just sat there." "I just held Shelbys hand." "There was no noise." "No tremble." "Just peace." "Oh, God." "I realize as a woman, how lucky l am." "I was there when that wonderful creature drifted into my life." "And I was there when she drifted out." "It was the most precious moment of my life." "I gotta get back." "Has anybody got a mirror?" "Does anybody have a mirror?" "I dont know how youre doing on the inside but your hairs just holding up beautiful." "Shelby was right." "This is a brown football helmet." "Honey, are you okay?" "lm fine." "lm fine. lm fine." "lm fine!" "I could jog all the way to Texas and back but my daughter cant." "She never could." "God!" "lm so mad, I dont know what to do!" "I wanna know why." "I wanna know why Shelbys life is over." "I wanna know how that baby will ever know how wonderful his mother was." "Will he ever know what she went through for him?" "Oh, God, I wanna know why!" "Why?" "!" "Lord, I wish I could understand." "Its not supposed to happen this way." "lm supposed to go first." "lve always been ready to go." "I dont think I can take this." "I dont think I can take this." "I just wanna hit somebody till they feel as bad as I do." "I just wanna hit something." "I wanna hit it hard!" "Here." "Hit this." "Go ahead." "Slap her!" "Are you crazy?" "Hit her!" "Are you high, Clairee?" "Have you lost your mind?" "Well sell T-shirts saying, I Slapped Ouiser Boudreaux !" "Hit her!" "Miss Clairee, enough." "Ouiser, this is your chance to do something for your fellow man." "Knock her lights out!" "Let go of me!" "You missed the chance of a lifetime." "Half of Chinquapin would give their eyeteeth to take a whack at Ouiser." "You are a pig from hell!" "Ouiser, dont leave!" "I was just kidding." "Come back!" "That was not a very Christian thing to do." "Annelle, you gotta lighten up." "Go away." "Okay, all right." "Hit me, then." "I deserve it." "You are evil, and you must be destroyed." "Mother Natures taking care of that faster than you could." "Things were getting entirely too serious for a moment." "We needed to laugh." "I bet Lloyd got a kick out of it." "Lloyd got a great deal of enjoyment at my expense when he was alive." "You know I love you more than my luggage." "This is my bench." "Get off my bench!" "Get off my--!" "Good." "Now, sit." "You are too twisted for colour TV." "Have your roots done." "I shouldnt have gone on the way I did. I made everybody cry." "Dont be silly." "Laughter through tears is my favourite emotion." "Thanks, Annelle." "Maybe I should have an emotional outburst more often." "Maybe I should start having them at home." "Drum would be so pleased." "Well, lm glad to see the two of you made up." "Ouiser can never stay mad at me." "She worships the quicksand I walk on." "Youre in my prayers." "Yes, Annelle, I pray." "Well, I do." "There, I said it." "I hope youre satisfied." "I have suspected this all along." "Dont you expect me to come to one of your churches." "Those tent revivals with those Bible-beaters doing God-knows-what." "Theyd probably make me eat a live chicken." "Not on your first visit." "Very good, Annelle." "Spoken like a true smart-ass." "What are you doing?" "Are you eating my picture?" "Lets get in the swing." "Get our feets in there." "There we go." "Hold on." "I dont know if this is the right time or place but I wanted to tell you that Sammy and I have decided if this babys a girl wed like to name it Shelby since she was the reason we met in the first place." "If you dont mind." "Shelby would love that." "lm tickled pink." "Pink." "What are you gonna name it if it happens to be a boy?" "Shelby, I guess." "Thats how it should be." "Life goes on." "lve never been so uncomfortable in all my life." "Well talk about uncomfortable when youre nine months pregnant." "Keep those eyes closed, or lll staple them shut." "Theyre closed!" "Keep them closed." "Now?" "Ready?" "Keep them shut." "Open them up." "All right." "I dont believe it!" "lm a chain!" "Jesus!" "Lighten up." "Now, you just burst through those bushes and hop over to where the kids are, okay?" "What bushes?" "I cant see shit!" "Over there." "Over there." "lm an adult." "lm not a 5-year-old!" "On your mark." "Get set." "Go!" "Okay, Jack, Jr." "lm gonna tell you a story." "Once upon a time, there was a beautiful young gal named Shelby." "And Shelby had a lovely, kind and wonderful good fairy named Clairee." "But there was also a horrible evil, ugly witch named Ouiser." "I hate these stupid neighbourhood things." "No ones twisting your arm to keep you here." "Well, I have to be sociable." "Rhetts here." "Lets connect the bald spots." "Eat shit and die." "Hello, MLynn." "Good to see you too, Ouiser, Owen." "Come on, Rhett!" "Kill, kill!" "Quit it, Drum." "Stop egging him on." "And everyone lived happily ever after." "And the nasty, wicked, evil, wretched horrible, mean Ouiser was never heard from again." "Now, its almost time for the Easter Bunny." "Run on down." "Hi, Jack!" "You remember me?" "Its your old pal Ouiser." "Just a second. its Jackson." "Jack, come here!" "is he all right?" "Yes, hes all right." "Honey, its okay. its okay." "Women have babies every day." "Jonathan, quick!" "Get that Easter Bunny over here now." "Tommy, wheres Sammy?" "Over there." "Excuse me." "Why?" "Whats going on?" "Oh, my God!" "Shes gonna have a baby." "Go get a doctor!" "Help!" "A doctor!" "This way, this way." "Get her in." "Well find Sammy." "Its all right, honey." "Well get Sammy." "Come on, Sammy!" "Get your tail hopping!" "DVD Subtitles:" "klepal"