"no, david, you can't sleep over." "because, um, ah, um-- tell him the house is being painted." "i told him that last time." "tell him the basement's flooded." "the basement's flooded." "okay, bye." "the basement's flooded?" "why didn't somebody tell me?" "the basement's fine." "david wanted to sleep over." "brian was telling him why he can't." "brian, you shouldn't lie." "hello, is the doctor in?" "hellooooooo... unless, of course, the truth has... an arrow through his head." "ha!" "**" "i just want you to know how i feel about lying." "dad's always been against it." "even though there are situations... when lying is not as wrong... asitis in other situations, i want you to know that lying is always wrong." "you understand what i'm saying?" "do you?" "i'm working at it." "hey, willie, look at this." "it's a squirting flower." "am i working it right?" "i think you got the basic idea." "where did you get that?" "i sent away for a whole box... of this stuff." "that taiwan must be the most fun place on earth." "[ doorbell ] oh, alf, you'd better go to the kitchen." "but i didn't show you the fake vomit." "save that for dinner." "of course, where's my mind." "don't even think about it." "oh, hello, mrs. ochmonek." "you should answer the door more quickly." "i was getting ready to leave." "i'm so sorry." "you're all wet." "is the basement flooded again?" "dad was squirted by a flower." "oh, trevor wanted to buy one of those things." "i just put my foot down." "good for you." "i locked myself out." "would it be all right if i stayed here... until trevor came home?" "well, uh, i don't know-- can i ask you something?" "why is there always hair on your couch?" "well, we, uh, uh, we had a dog." "then he ran away." "years ago." "pssst!" "pssst!" "what was that?" "uh, that?" "uh... that must be the pipe acting up again." "oh, that pipe." "that pipe, i think i'll go wrap it in tape." "[ blaaat!" "]" "one of the dog's old toys." "what is it?" "what?" "ha!" "ha!" "you amaze me." "you're 229 years old, and that's what you think is funny?" "can we talk about this some other time?" "i have to make number 4." "oh, hey, willie." "come here." "yeah." "ha!" "ha!" "oh, i kill me." "boop.boop.boop." "boop.boop.boop." "boop. boop. boop." "boop. boop. boop." "alf!" "alf!" "what?" "what?" "what?" "what are you doing?" "well, i was sleeping 'til you woke me up!" "since when do you sleep standing up?" "since i started sleeping... with that box on my head." "you look ridiculous." "well, not everyone sleeps like you, mouth open, drooling on the pillow." "how do you know how i look when i sleep?" "i go into your bedroom at night... and watch you and kate." "i don't like you doing that." "well, hey, you were watching me." "i couldn't sleep." "i came out to get a glass of milk." "i heard you-- aahh!" "oh, good, it works." "alf, there are tacks on the floor." "it's my alarm system." "in case a burglar shows up." "getting one of your headaches, again." "you know what's good for that?" "jogging." "i've been doing a lot of it lately." "i don't think jogging is the answer." "you've been jogging?" "yeah." "you can really see... the definition in my thigh muscles." "you actually go outside, in the street... where people can see you?" "i jog at night." "and i wear a dark headband." "um, uh, i'm going to go back to bed... and drool." "aahh!" "did you get your milk?" "no, i stepped on a tack." "do these things ever get to you?" "no, i, i usually wear slippers." "i'm talking about the things that alf does." "you know, tacks on the floor, jogging, hair on the couch, squirting flowers, fish in the dryer." "when did he put fish in the dryer?" "he hasn't, yet." "you know, you could talk to someone about alf." "i thought i was." "no, no, no. i mean, someone outside the family, somebody who's not so close to the thing." "but, that's just the point, kate." "i can't tell anyone about alf." "how about larry?" "he's a psychologist." "a psychologist?" "kate-- no, no, no." "i mean, you can trust him." "he's not allowed to tell anyone." "oh, i don't know." "i'll think about it." "we gotta get some sleep." "now i gotta get up early in the morning... and get a tetanus shot." "oh, i'm sorry." "i thought you guys would be asleep." "i guess it wouldn't hurt to give larry a call." "well, mr. o'hara, i'll see you next week, okay." "and, on your way home, keep telling yourself, over and over, there's no such thing as a space creature." "hi, willie." "hi, larry." "i'm next." "you still have 10 minutes before your session." "come on in." "i don't want to take up any of your time." "you mean, my time." "come on in." "in 9 minutes, i'm coming in there." "hey, willie." "whoa, what's that?" "hey, come on, what's that?" "hey, what brings you to these parts, huh?" "nothing much." "i just happened to be in the neighborhood." "gosh, i thought all psychologists had couches." "well, i used to have one, but... i kept falling asleep on it." "well, i guess i, uh, i guess i ought to be going." "no, why don't you wait outside." "i'll finish this session and we'll have lunch." "hey, willie, is everything all right?" "yeah." "anything on your mind?" "no, no." "no problems at home?" "no, no, just the usual, nothing major." "nothing really out of" "i have a creature from outer space... living with me." "ha!" "ha!" "ha!" "well, there's a lot of that going around." "sit down." "this is alf." "it's not really a-- it's not a very good picture." "i know i should be-- i should really be thrilled... having someone as extraordinary as that... living with me, but, believe me, it has its drawbacks." "he's got some wonderful qualities, i admit that, but... he can be, well, irksome." "youknow, one minute... he'sexplaining the mysteries of the universe, and the next minute he's putting fake vomit on my pillow." "i don't know anymore, larry." "as a friend, what do you think?" "i think i want my couch back." "well, larry, there's really no need... for you to come over." "no, i want to help." "i'm a psychologist." "anyway, i want to meet this thing." "all right, but... don't call him a thing." "he's really very sensitive." "you're talking about me, aren't you?" "no, we weren't." "that figures." "nobody ever talks about me, dr. dysktra, except me. and i have to pay you to listen to it." "i think that alf will like larry." "well, i bet, larry'll like alf." "this isn't a blind date." "larry's coming over here to observe and... to make suggestions about how we can... better deal with alf." "oh, look, another fly in the ice cube." "alf's really getting his money's worth... out of this joke kit." "can you make this fast?" "i'm in the middle of drying fish." "alf, we have... a little surprise." "don't tell me you're serving lucky for dinner." "because if you are... i want to rent a tux." "no, alf, we're having a guest over." "oh, i get it." "and the surprise is... i have to stay hidden all evening." "no, actually, the guest is coming here... to see you." "uh-huh." "i see." "you do?" "oh, sure." "you never let anyone see me before and... suddenly you invite someone over." "it's obvious what's happening." "this guy's from the alien task force!" "you people are turning me in!" "oh, alf, no, the man's an old friend of mine." "he's a psychologist." "i assure you, you have nothing to worry about." "okay, let's eat." "no, no, i want to wait... until larry gets here." "well, is this guy always late?" "no, he'll be here." "he'll be here any minute." "you'll have to chew with your mouth closed." "all right." "but on my planet... that's considered very rude." "people think you're hiding something." "alf, um, do you know... what a psychologist is?" "sure. i know all about psychology." "i used to watch the old "bob newhart show."" "so, why is this guy, larry, coming over?" "he, he's going to observe things." "observe things?" "like what?" "like how the family, how-- how the family interacts, how we get along together." "oh, what's he going to do?" "put me under a microscope?" "analyze everything i say?" "ask me questions about my childhood?" "[ doorbell rings ] oh, no!" "alf, calm down." "right, right, calm, calm." "i'm calm." "yeah, yeah, larry's not going to think... i'm the crazy one." "hi, larry." "hi, willie." "how are you?" "hey, you're looking great!" "hi, kate." "oh, my god!" "i take it he's the alien?" "hiya, larry." "well, everything looks lovely, kate." "you've outdone yourself, again." "thank you." "excuse me, but, can someone please pass me... the white boiled potatoes?" "did alf say, "please"?" "did alf say, "pass"?" "come on, larry, chow down." "alf loves to chow down." "i have a healthy appetite." "nothing wrong with that, is there?" "no." "see, willie?" "i didn't say anything was wrong." "i was just making a comment." "people don't just make comments." "they mean things by them." "right, larry?" "[ burrrrpppp ] that's not something one does at the dinner table." "i'm sorry, larry." "where are my manners?" "you don't have any manners." "well, you know, in some countries... it's considered a compliment... if you burp after eating." "oh, yes, yes, sometimes alf can be very, very complimentary." "so, larry, what do you think about... this nicaragua thing?" "alf, why are you talking about nicaragua?" "we always discuss politics at the table." "we never discuss politics at the dinner table." "i'm sorry larry, this is really-- this is not at all the way alf normally behaves." "oh, how do i behave?" "well, generally, you do disgusting, gross things." "go on, then, show him." "do something disgusting." "yeah, make milk come through your nose." "brian, don't encourage him." "would you like some more potatoes?" "they're very tasty." "he doesn't care about potatoes." "show him the vomit." "willie, please." "i'm trying to eat." "honestly, larry, it isn't always quite like this." "i have an exercise that might work, guys." "it's called role reversal." "willie, you become alf, and alf becomes willie." "that sounds like a good idea." "oh, i, i don't think so." "afraid of a little personal growth, perhaps?" "i'm not afraid." "i just-- i think it's silly." "come on, give it a try." "larry knows what he's doing." "come on, dad, alf does a great impression of you." "oh, all right." "we wouldn't want to miss that!" "okay, since we're at the dinner table, let's act like we would at the table." "we can start off by willie being alf." "food, food, give me more food." "i haven't had a meal in, oh, half an hour." "ha!" "oh, no, alf." "no. no." "no food for you." "you already ate last month." "no, no." "i don't sound like that." "willie, you're doing fine." "keep going." "all right." "[ burrrppp ] i've finished my meal." "i guess i'll watch tv, while... everybody else does the dishes." "i think we watch enough tv in this house." "we should do something more stimulating." "i know, let's conjugate verbs." "no, how about, how about we just break things?" "oh, no, no. that would be wrong." "wro-- wrong." "all right, then, how about if we, um, how about if we eat the cat, then?" "how ya doin', lucky?" "sorry. household rule #856, subsection d, paragraph 2:" "we do not eat the cat." "rules, sch-mules." "i hate rules." "i like, i like anarchy." "well, i don't believe in anarchy." "it's much too spontaneous." "oh, look, look how late it's getting." "and i still have to lay out my clothes... for the rest of the year." "that's it." "this isn't helping." "i quit." "i win." "alf, there are no winners in this thing." "well, i was ahead on points." "that's not true." "well, i think i've heard enough." "you guys obviously don't get along, okay?" "i think, ah, alf should move out." "move out?" "move out?" "what does he mean, move out?" "alf should get a place of his own?" "tha-- that's crazy." "do you know what rents are?" "what am i talking about?" "you can move in with me." "i've got an extra room." "alf, you're not going anywhere." "why not." "because, people would find him out." "why do you care?" "well, i don't want anything to happen to him." "aha, you do care what happens to alf." "well, of course i care." "i always did." "i, i just think that sometimes... it seems that-- that alf doesn't care a heck of a lot about me." "not care?" "not care about the guy who's protected me and... provided for me for... all these months?" "you appreciated all of that?" "of course, i appreciate it." "hey, if you've got a problem, let's talk." "i mean, if fake vomit's not your cup of tea, i'll lose it." "i'd appreciate that." "and, uh, in return, i'll, uh, i'll really try to be... more flexible." "hey, see what a little communication can do?" "well, i think... we've all become a little closer here." "we should toast this occasion." "that's a good idea." "now, come on, dad, make a toast." "well, uh, all right, to, to, uh-- communication." "communication." "and to, uh, dribble glasses." "ha!" "oh, hi, alf." "hi, willie." "night, alf." "night, willie." "closed-captioned by captions, inc., los angeles" "copyrighted by alien productions." "all rights reserved."