"You may be curious to know why I am in a haystack, wearing a top hat and coalscuttle." "METALLIC CLANG" "I am hiding from M. Alfonse, a decrepit old undertaker who challenged me to a duel." "My wife, Edith, invited the whole village to witness this, so she was particularly disappointed when I ran away." "In spite of the fact I was zig-zagging through the woods, he managed to dent my scuttle at 75 yards." "The question now is, how long can I go on 'iding from him?" "Psst!" "Psst, Rene!" "What are YOU doing here?" "We are 'aving a secret meeting." "We 'ave to decide what action to take next." "I'll tell you!" "Get me to Switzerland." "You are a vital link in the escape route of the British airmen." "The balloon is assembled." "A favourable wind is expected." "You must take the British airmen to the rendezvous." "The undertaker wants to kill me!" "We have decided on a disguise." "You 'ave!" "?" "Oh, Michelle." "How can I ever repay you?" "Take off your clothes." "The Resistance don't mess about, do they?" "Could we not kiss and cuddle a little, first?" "It is to put on your disguise." "Oh." "I thought my luck had changed." "OFF-KEY SINGING:" "# Who-o-o means my 'appiness?" "# Who-o-o would I answer yes to-o-o?" "# Well, you ought to guess, who-o-o-o!" "# No-one but you-o-o-o!" "#" "Madame, you have a voice in a million." "When we are married, I will sing to you." "Madame Edith, it may not be appropriate." "Our bedroom is above the mortuary." "Forgive me, I was forgetting." "I could hum "Ave Maria" unaccompanied." "You probably would be!" "M. Alfonse, it is very urgent that I speak to you." "I do not know you." "I am Michelle, of the Resistance." "Michelle of the Resistance?" "Not the intrepid leader of that brave band of partisans, who strike terror into the hearts of Germans?" "Not the girl who is a legend, comes into our midst like a phantom then vanishes without a trace?" "That is the one." "Lead, Mademoiselle, and we will follow." "I love you." "I love you!" "Listen very carefully." "I will say this only once." "I will take notes." "Yvette, Rene is outside." "Oh, no!" "M. Alfonse will kill him." "Do not worry, he is in disguise." "Michelle will tell M. Alfonse how important Rene is to our cause." "Another cognac please, Yvette." "Any news of Rene?" "Not a word." "This place is not the same." "It is all clear." "Those eyes..." "They look very familiar." "Particularly that one." "I am trying very 'ard NOT to be familiar, Monsieur." "You are a relation of Rene, who works behind the bar." "Very distant." "You have...very hairy legs." "They run in the family." "It IS you!" "Please, do not give me away." "Your secret is safe with me." "You DON'T understand." "Yes, I DO!" "I had an uncle with the same leanings." "Every Shrove Tuesday, he would dress up as a pancake girl." "You'll think I am a coward." "On the contrary." "I think it takes great courage to come into the open and dress that way." "Germans!" "Coming to this table!" "PIANO MUSIC PLAYS I will cover." "Mademoiselle, a dance." "What?" "Oh, well, no, I'm not very good." "Don't vorry, I vill lead." "Are they watching us?" "Don't worry." "Just be normal." "I am doing my best." "We'll do a few more bars, then I will take you back to my place until it dies down." "Psst!" "(Rene.)" "Lieutenant, do you feather?" "Of course." "Just leave me here with my friends." "I will go and warm up my tank for you." "If you need a push-start, let me know." "I'll get the rest of the girls." "Aaah!" "I did not know who it was I was challenging to a duel." "You, the leader of the escape route." "Let me kiss the hem of your dress." "M. Alfonse, you embarrass me." "Tell me what to do, I will follow you anywhere." "I will have to go to the little girl's room." "Oh Madame, I could not come between you and this... this, perhaps the bravest man in France." "Henceforth, I will admire you from afar." "Good day to you all." "Vive la France." "Vive De Gaulle." "Who?" "De Gaulle, with the big hooter." "Of course." "Vive De Gaulle." "Thank 'eavens he has gone." "What am I to tell my friends?" "I cannot be seen with a coward!" "I 'ave the explanation." "Tell zem that a bumble bee flew down his trousers, causing him to run into ze river." "The nearest river is three miles away!" "It was a very big bee." "Rene?" "Helga is here." "She must see you." "She is in trouble." "One last message." "The wind is favourable." "You will lead ze airmen to the balloon." "Where are they now?" "Hello." "Hello." "We will disappear like phantoms into ze night." "Come in." "Rene, the Colonel and Captain have been arrested by the Gestapo." "They are imprisoned in the dungeons." "LOUD CRASH What vas that?" "The phantoms falling over the dustbin." "Soon, they will be interrogated by Herr Flick." "I 'ave done nothing!" "You have a Knockwurst sausage, containing the real painting of the Fallen Madonna by Van Clomp." "And a copy in the Gestapo sausage." "Herr Flick thinks it's real." "This was meant to be sent to Hitler, but was substituted and blown up." "They may reveal this under torture." "Will they remember it?" "We must help them before it's too late." "Dressed like this?" "Why not?" "I am disguised as a girl." "How you relax is no concern of the German army." "Wait!" "My name is Engelbert Von Smallhausen of the Gestapo." "I am vishing to speak with Rene Artois - the barman." "What a pity!" "You have just missed him by that much." "It is his night off." "The engine is varmed up, Rene!" "YOU are Rene Artois." "Why do you dress as a voman of the opposite sex?" "I was going to a pancake party." "I vill take you to the dungeons of the Gestapo HQ." "Have you any personal belongings to bring?" "Just my 'andbag." "You are Private Helga Geerhart?" "I am." "Herr Flick orders that you also attend." "Please, come vith me." "This is terrible." "What shall we do?" "Go over the heads of the Gestapo." "Who are you calling?" "General Erich Von Klinkerhoffen." "What ARE you doing?" "I am scraping at the cement, hoping to loosen a brick." "Do not be absurd!" "The Count of Monte Christo did it." "It took him 20 years." "Come to think of it, the film had already started when I went in." "What do you think he is going to do to us?" "Who knows?" "They are terrible vith women." "Can you not tell him about your sausage?" "If we tell him, he vill find out we pinched the genuine painting, to sell it when this is over." "Why must you make money out of the war?" "Why not just fight?" "Promise me, if we get out of this, you will stop seeing those Resistance people." "And I will not arrest too many Frenchmen." "Then we can lead a quiet and normal life." "I was trying to do that when I was arrested!" "So I see." "Pull your skirt down." "So!" "Have you decided to talk yet?" "That empty sausage is a mystery, Herr Flick." "Helga put it on the train." "Helga has been very thoroughly interrogated and has revealed nothing new to me." "Helga, I think we should have the brazier up a bit." "Whatever you say, Herr Flick." "Take the bellows and pump it up." "Oh." "Yes, Herr Flick." "That is more like it." "The Gestapo has no jurisdiction over senior officers in the army." "Or junior officers." "What about cafe owners?" "They can do as they like with them!" "I do not know why you are complaining." "You are a temporary guest in a well-equipped dungeon." "I hardly think that a complaint that you were tortured, to reveal where a Knockwurst sausage is, will be treated seriously by High Command." "I vill return very soon." "When I do, I SUGGEST you TALK!" "A note." "I knew we could rely on Helga!" "Helga will have a plan." "What does it say?" "It says, "Have you got a plan?"" "I am going to offer up a silent prayer." "We shall all do the same." "Hans!" "Oh." "Who prayed for that?" "It is coming from this ventilator." "Ugh!" "It smells like a sewer." "It is I, Leclerc." "The wind is terrible in the sewers." "Why are you here?" "I have a message." "What is it?" "It is for Rene's ears, only." "Never mind that!" "Michelle says, have you got a plan?" "Of course we haven't got a plan!" "In that case, you are in dead schtook." "Come back!" "It's a pity we were not smaller." "Somebody else is coming." "Rene, it is I, Maria." "I have crawled through the drain." "I had to say goodbye." "Kiss me, for perhaps the last time." "It's a bit embarrassing..." "Stick your head down the hole and do it." "I do not know what they see in him." "He has good legs." "It is I, Yvette." "Another one!" "I have your rings." "Ze hollow ones, with the poisonous pills in them." "Here." "If all else fails, take zem." "You will feel no pain." "You will die instantly." "How thoughtful of you(!" ")" "I have saved a pill for myself." "I cannot live without you." "Do not take it just yet, Yvette." "He has a better time than ve do, even with his love-life down the drain." "That is it." "There we are, then." "One each." "These are the rings WE gave to Rene." "Yes..." "DOOR CREAKS OPEN Someone is coming." "Hide them." "Rene, what ARE you doing?" "The girls smudged my lipstick." "Ahhh." "Have you decided to talk?" "I have decided..." "OW!" "not to talk." "Very well." "Helga, the wheel." "The WHEEL!" "I will take care of the organ." "The organ!" "DISCORDANT DRAMATIC CHORDS" "Good." "Before we start, have you any last requests?" ""Blue Skies Around the Corner"?" "Helga, turn!" "ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING" "Aaah!" "Colonel." "Where is the sausage?" "He is going to crush us!" "In the cellar." "I cannot hear you." "In the CELLAR!" "Quick!" "The bench." "ORGAN MUSIC CONTINUES" "Aaah!" "Keep turning." "We told you!" "It's in the cellar." "Not good enough." "Helga, what are you doing?" "I am sorry, I am only obeying orders." "Shoulders to the ceiling." "What are you doing?" "Waiting for the ceiling to reach my shoulders." "These grand, crashing chords are very exciting." "You missed a note." "Go back a bit." "Keep turning, Helga." "Keep playing." "Look!" "No hands!" "Hans, I think it is time to take the pills." "Quick." "Nothing has happened." "Another faulty batch." "I shall write a letter about this." "General Von Klinkerhoffen." "ORGAN STOPS" "Heil Hitler." "What is the meaning of this?" "These men are traitors to the Reich." "They have stolen a sausage containing a painting of the Fallen Madonna, which was on its way to Berlin." "The sausage they sent was blown up by the RAF, but it transpired there was no painting in the sausage, and, in fact, all the sausage contained, vas sausage." "On this evidence you are flattening a Colonel and a Captain, AND a very plain French girl?" "My authority is from Berlin." "My authority is in this gun." "Release them." "I see." "You have the upper hand, but I should warn you, my godfather is Heinrich Himmler." "My wife's sister is Herman Goering's mistress." "Herman Goering has many mistresses." "My wife's sister wears the chamois leather underclothes!" "Ah." "Helga!" "Turn the wheel the other vay." "Yes, Herr Flick." " YOU are a party to this?" " No!" "Reverse the wheel." "Oh dear, what vill we do?" "Incompetent fools!" "Ladies first." "Edith." "Edith!" "Edith, why do you ignore my cries for assistance?" "I am 'ere now, Mama." "I 'ave lit a candle for Rene..." "What's that?" "I have lit a candle for Rene!" "I fear he is no longer with us." "Good." "Now you can marry ze undertaker while he still has the hots for you." "I cannot think of that, now Rene has gone!" "I must have the two airmen away as soon as possible." "Ah, my little Edith, always so headstrong!" "Get through to London so that I can spook on the roodio." "Edith, who is the fuzz with ze bad French?" "An expert on escaping from London." "Are things so bad in London?" "What is happening to me?" "My room is full of transvestites." "If we wear these in the balloon, it'll be draughty round the Needles." "BEEP Edith, I see flashing knobs." "It is London." "Help me." "Get the code book while I assemble the radio." "'Allo, 'allo, this is Mrs Nighthawk calling." "Where is the wind coming from?" "I say again, where is the wind coming from?" "The same place it always comes from." "Shut up." "RADIO:" "'The wind is from the South East, three knots." "'Tonight is the night." "Bring signal torch." "'When you are over coast, flash it.'" "Edith, Rene has been released and has returned!" "Released?" "Quick, Edith, to the church." "Blow out ze candles." "You may get a refund." "Oh Rene, thank heavens you are alive." "I can't believe it is you sitting with me at zis table, wearing zat hat, zat wig, zat dress and those little white socks!" "Yvette, thank God it is all over." "And what is more, the Colonel and I have made a pact, that from now on everything will return to normal." "Listen carefully." "I will say this only once." "You are to take the British airmen to the balloon." "But that is not possible." "On the orders of General Von Klinkerhoffen, the Colonel and Captain have gone on manoeuvres." "The town is ringed with German soldiers." "People are allowed through, who are engaged in essential services." "I 'ave a plan." "NOW she has a plan." "Why did you not have a plan when I was in the Nutcracker Suite?" "I cannot say what an honour it is for me to assist you, M. Rene." "The bravest man in France, who has just escaped death by Gestapo torture." "And without thought of personal danger, is even now helping the British airmen to escape." "I am quite a character, am I not?" "LOUD KNOCKING Someone is knocking on the coffin." "Whoa!" "KNOCK KNOCK" "What are you knocking for, you old bat?" "You are supposed to be dead!" "I wish to go to ze bathroom." "This is NOT a corridor hearse." "Be kind to my mother!" "It was your idea she should be the corpse." "She is the nearest thing we 'ave." "Sit down!" "Wagons ROLL!" "Walk on." "Not much further, chaps." "Jolly good!" "Jolly good!" "Cavee" " Gerries on the horizon." "A road block." "Somebody is disobeying the curfew." "Funeral processions are allowed." "I wonder why Rene is driving in the front?" "I wonder why the two corpses in the second hearse were sitting up and chatting?" "Perhaps, Rene is finally getting rid of the British airmen." "So that life can return to normal like he promised." "Hans, tell the Sergeant to let them pass." "This is a funereal." "We are borrowing some biddies." "Biddies?" "Dead biddies in ciffins." "Proceed." "LET THEM PROCEED!" "CAR HORN BLOWS" "Klinkerhoffen." "HALT!" "Halt!" "What is this?" "A funeral, Herr General." "I see." "Open the coffin." "It is my brother's wife's mother." "She died of the plague." "What plague is this?" "A plague that kills brother's wife's mothers." "Open the coffin." "If this spreads across Europe we've all had it." "Bury her quickly." "Proceed!" "Walk on." "Oh, thank you." "Thank you!" "Keep pumping, Carstairs." "I think we're pretty near take-off." "Let's hope the paraffin holds out." "And the knickers!" "Well, goodbye!" "Thanks awfully for having us." "Goodbye." "Come and stay with us if you ever come to England." "Goodbye." "Here we go!" "Bye!" "Bye!" "# Take me back to dear old Blightie" "# Put me on the train to London town... #" "Farty knickers did the trick." "Goodbye!" "Thank heaven." "Now life at Cafe Rene can return to normal." "BYE!" "Oh, you are so brave!" "Or as normal as possible." "Bye, bye."