"MR KHAN:" "Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham, the capital of British Pakistan." "Ripped By mstoll" "They all know me." "Do you like my suit?" "Number one." "Citizen Khan." "# She's getting married in the morning..." "# Tum te tum te tum te tum te tuuummm!" "#" "Salman, I like him, Mr Khan!" "Hello, Keith!" "Why are you dressed like that?" "It's my outfit for the wedding!" "What do you think?" "A bit '"Imran Khan'"?" "Imran Khan's old, white neighbour, maybe." "Big day today." "Someone must be very excited." "I am." "And I got to make a speech!" " I meant Shazia." " Oh, right, yeah." "So is this OK?" "Cos I know it's supposed to be a fusion wedding - a mix of the English and Pakistani traditions." "Pakistani tradition is to make sure it's bloomin' cheap!" "The proudest moment in any Pakistani man's life is seeing his daughter getting married for under £3.50 a head." "So, how's your speech coming along?" "Great." "It's going to be a real showstopper!" "I've got a brilliant joke to kick it off." "Listen to this." "A Muslim, a Christian and a Hindu walk into a mosque, you see..." "Which mosque?" "What?" "Is it the mosque in Sparkhill or the one in Garretts Green?" "Does it matter?" "Ooh, yes, because the one in Garretts Green has closed down." "It's a Nando's now." "Right..." "Look, just forget it." "Why don't you go and get the flowers for the reception" " from Mrs Quereshi across the road?" " Oh, is she selling flowers now?" "No, they're growing in her garden." "Alia, I've got a joke for my speech." "I want you to listen to it and tell me what you think," " OK?" " OK." "A Muslim, a Christian and a Hindu walk into a mosque..." "Oh, that's great, Papaji, you're so funny and that!" "I haven't finished yet." "Oh, I can't believe how much there is to do..." "When are you going to change into your wedding outfit?" "I'm wearing my wedding outfit." "Er, that's not what I chose." "Er, that's not happening." " Do you want to hear my joke?" " No." " Go and put it on." " No way!" " Just do it!" " Papaji!" "?" " Ohhh!" " Come on, sweeties, let's not argue on such a special day." "It doesn't matter about the style of your outfits." "All that matters is, how much did they cost?" " They're designer!" " Yeah, Primani." "What kind of a loser dresses up like a Greggs lemon puff?" "Hi!" "Hello, Debbaaaaay." "Is everything OK?" "She's refusing to wear the outfit." "What?" "This is great!" "I've been a bridesmaid loads - always the bridesmaid, never the bride." "Not surprised if you keep dressing like that." "You know, when we're done with them, we can sell them on to the council - hi-vis, isn't it?" "!" "There's nothing wrong with anybody's outfit!" "I don't like my outfit." " What?" "!" " It makes me look short." "Sweetie, what do you expect?" "It's a dress, not Harry Potter's invisibility cloak." "I'm going to wear my Pakistani outfit." "Mum, we've been through this." "I want a fusion wedding." "A mix" " of East and West." " But, Shazia, I'm not..." " And Mrs Malik's wearing a sari." " I know..." "Look, I don't have time to think about this right now, I've got too much to do." " Well, let me help." " You don't need to help." " But I want to help." " But you don't need to help." "Why don't you go and sit down and have a nice cup of tea, yeah?" "Can you believe that?" "Nobody is listening to a word I'm saying." "Quarter past 11." "Have you done all your jobs?" " Yes." " Really?" "Shazia, it's not hard." "You've just got to be organised." "So you've done it all?" "I delegated it." "To who?" "Salaam alaikum, Mr Khan." "Walaikum assalam, Riaz." "Are you wearing that to the wedding?" "No, I had two funerals today." " Did you do all the things I asked?" " Yes." "No problem." "You see?" "Oh, except there's a problem with your car." "What kind of problem?" "I was getting it from that guy you said, you know, Mohammed in Small Heath?" "No, not that Mohammed!" "I meant the other Mohammed." "You know, big Mohammed." "Father of little Mohammed." "Lives next door to Mohammed Mohammed." "I mean, how difficult can it be?" "What, so there's no car?" "How can this be happening?" "The whole day will be ruined if I don't have a car!" "I know." "I'm furious." "Dad!" "What about the ice?" "Did you get the ice?" "Yeah, I got it." "Don't worry, it's in the boot of my car." "How long's it been there?" "Since, er Tuesday." "You left it in the car?" " I didn't want to forget it." " Oh, my God!" "Sweetie..." "Ohh!" "(CLEARS HIS THROAT)" "There's a Muslim, a Christian and a Hindu..." "Heard it." "MRS KHAN:" "Beti." "Oh, you look great." "What about the hat?" " Er, it's a bit big." " It goes with the dress." "OK, fine." "Beti, I wanted to talk to you about something..." " Is it quick?" "Only we're a bit behind." " It won't take long." " Should I?" " Oh, no, it's fine." "I wanted to give you this." "It's my grandmother's gold necklace." "She wore it on her wedding, and I wore it on mine." "So I thought perhaps..." " I mean, it's really nice..." " You don't like it." "No, it's not that, it's just..." " It's OK." "Forget it." " It's just... me and Debbie spent ages choosing all my accessories." "Of course." "I understand." "Oh..." "let me see you with the hat on." "Perfect." "No, the Muslim guy says that!" "I thought he wasn't there any more." " Where, in the church?" " There is no church!" " Salaam alaikum, sir!" " Amjad!" "Perfect." "Listen to this." "There's a Muslim, a Christian and a Hindu..." " I need my headdress, sir." " What?" "You said you'd sort my headdress for the ceremony." "Oh, yes." "I got a job lot for the wedding season." " They're selling like hot cakes!" " What's Amjad doing here?" "Shazia mustn't see him." "It's bad luck." "She's marrying him, isn't she?" "How much worse can it get?" "But seriously, Mr Khan, he's right about that." "My Auntie Doreen saw her husband-to-be before the wedding and he was knocked over by a charabanc." " Killed him stone dead." " On their wedding day?" "No, it was about 15 years later." "But still, you can't be too careful." "Fine." "You keep a lookout, huh?" "Here you go - good, eh?" "It's great." "Don't say your father-in-law never does anything for you." " Thanks." " Don't mention it." "That'll be £25." "Oh." "And £5 postage and packing." "Go on, try it on." "It's a bit tight." "It's all right, just press it down." "There you are." "I can't see very well." "Well, we can't see you, so it's ideal." "All right, take it off now." "I can't." "I think it's stuck." "Oh, for God's sake!" "Come here." "What the hell?" "!" " Budhoo?" " Ladhoo?" "Shazia's here." "What's going on?" "You're not supposed to see me before the wedding." " But I..." " Don't look at me!" " Don't look, Amjad!" "He's not looking." " I'm not looking!" "Hai hai!" "Bad omen!" "Don't look at her either!" "But that's not unlucky." "Best not take any chances." "Why is everyone trying to ruin my special day?" "!" "Wait!" "Ladhoo!" "Perfect!" "He's not dead." "Well, that's something." "Ow, my head!" "Get up, you idiot." "It's all gone dark." "I think I'm blind!" "Oh, right." "You just get that thing off your head." "You go and get the car and I'll sort out Shazia." " Oh, er..." " Oh." "I forgot about you." "Perhaps I should go." "I can see you're busy." "Just one thing though, I haven't got the address" " for the reception." " I know." "Hello, beti." " Everything OK?" " No!" "We've got no car, no ice, no-one's ready and now I've seen Amjad before the wedding!" "Count yourself lucky - in some Pakistani marriages, you wouldn't even have met him before the wedding." "It's a disaster." "This is the worst day of my life." "Right." "I wanted everything to run smoothly today, I wanted it to be perfect!" " It will be perfect." " How?" "Your father will sort it." " Really?" " Of course." "I'll make sure Amjad's OK." "Debbaaay is dealing with your sister and Riaz is getting a car." " But what about the ice and the..." " Shazia... what did you want from me on your tenth birthday party?" "To go to the theatre with my friends to see The Lion King." "Haan." "And I said you couldn't go because there was no way I was paying those prices." "You said it was sold out." "Oh, yes." "So, instead, your mother and I acted out the whole show in the front room." "You made masks and everything." "The stampede was a challenge." "But I thought Naani was perfect as the warthog." "Hakuna matata!" "Aw, that was a brilliant party." "You see, beti, you can always rely on me." "I'll make sure you get what you want." "Thanks, Dad." "That's OK." "I know I don't always say this, but you know you are very special to me and I love you very much." "I know." "And you're sure you don't mind it's a smaller wedding than maybe you and Mum wanted?" "It's not a smaller wedding than I wanted, sweetie." "No wedding could be smaller than I wanted." "Couldn't you just try it on, at least?" "No way." "Anyway, it's not Islamic." " In what way?" " It's too yellow." " Is that a thing?" " Yeah." "Our religion's really strict." "Is Mum OK?" "I get the feeling she's a bit upset." "Shazia, no-one knows your mother better than me, and I'm telling you she's absolutely fine." "Sweetie, what are you doing?" "What does it look like I'm doing?" " I'm going to work." " What?" "!" "Mum, don't be ridiculous." "It's my wedding day." "I know it's your wedding day, Shazia!" "Everything about it is yours." "It's in your venue, with your friends, we're wearing your clothes and your everything else." "No-one cares what I think and the whole thing has nothing to do with me." "So I'm going to work." "She'll be back in a minute." " (DOOR SLAMS)" " Maybe not." "You said she was fine!" "I may have misjudged the situation." "Oh, my God!" "My mum's not coming to my wedding." "On the up side, that's one less mini chicken leg." " Idiot!" " I can't get married without Mum there!" "Look, I'm sure it will all be fine." "Does this mean I don't have to wear that?" "No!" "You just get your hair done and get to the wedding." "I'll bring your mother and make sure everything is how you want it." "You, come with me." "And you, put the horrible dress on!" "Ah!" "Hello, sweetie!" " What are you doing?" " My job." "I've got to finish here and then re-stock the frozen party food." "I mean, why aren't you coming to Shazia's wedding?" " You know why." " Salaam alaikum, Mrs Khan." "Are you coming then?" "In a minute!" "It's only we're getting late and we need to..." " Give me a minute!" " But, sir, we need to go to..." "Why don't you go and get the ice?" "I'll come and get you when we're ready, huh?" "Sweetie!" "The ceremony starts in an hour." "Fine." "Go." "Go to our daughter's tiny wedding, in the small function room, with the limited guest list and only one chicken leg and half a samosa per person!" "You make that sound like a bad thing." "Oh, of course." "That's it, isn't it?" "All you care about is money." "No-one is interested in my feelings." "Don't be ridiculous, of course I'm interested in your feelings." "Are these on special offer?" "She wouldn't even wear my grandmother's necklace." "So let them have their small wedding." "But I don't have to be there." "Fine." "If you're not going, then I won't go either." "What?" "Well, you're my wife, and I will stay here with you." "We can both miss the wedding together." "OK." "OK, what?" "OK, we'll both stay here." "You can help me with the frozen pasties." "Are you crazy?" "!" "Frozen pasties!" "I'm not missing my own daughter's wedding, even if it is only Shazia." "Careful!" "They're buy one, get one free." "Well, Shazia's wedding is a one-off special offer, today only, take it or leave it, never, ever to be repeated..." "God willing." "Sweetie, don't you remember our wedding?" "We didn't have a big do, did we?" "Just you and me and my cousin Mohsin and your friend Valerie." "And Bert and Tina from the chip shop, they were our witnesses." "You looked so beautiful in your wedding outfit/chip shop uniform." "And I wore my best suit." "Haan." "It's worn well, hasn't it?" "Quality, you see?" "Never goes out of fashion." "It was a lovely day." "It was a lovely day." "And although there were only six of us there," "I was the happiest man in the world." "And you know, maybe, if they're lucky," "Shazia and Amjad will be as happy as we have been." "Oh, my God!" "What have I done?" "It's Shazia's wedding!" "Oh, hang on!" "Where are they?" "The guests will start arriving in a minute." "It will all be fine." "Stop saying it'll be fine!" "It won't be fine." "My mum's not here." "My dad's not here." "And Amjad's not here!" "They'll be here." "But they're not here!" "They should be here." " Why aren't they here?" "!" " What?" "Say something helpful." "If you kept the receipts, we can return these minging dresses." "How has this happened?" "I planned everything, I did a timetable!" "Honestly, it will all be... fine." "We'll have to cancel." "Tell everyone to come back next week." "There's plenty of time." " The imam's not even here yet." " The imam's here!" "Salaam alaikum." "ALL:" "Walaikum assalam." "How are we all today?" "This is the worst day of my life!" "She's a bit stressed." "Well, of course." "This is only natural." "I want to go home." "Look, calm down, my dear, these things always turn out all right in the end." "And God, he won't mind if you get married a little bit later than advertised." "I, on the other hand, have got another wedding upstairs at three, so if they haven't turned up by then, I'm out of here." "(SHE CRIES)" "MRS KHAN:" "Our little girl's getting married!" "I'm so excited!" "MR KHAN:" "Me too!" "You must be excited too, Amjad." "Amjad?" "The freezer!" "(TYRES SCREECH)" "Amjad!" "Quick, get him out of there!" "OK, OK!" "PHONE: # Bismillah, no!" "We will not let you go... #" "Hello, Mr Khan speaking!" "Hello, sweetie." "Yes, I've got your mother." "We're on our way." "It's Shazia." "Oh, Amjad?" "Oh, he's right here too." "How is he?" "Oh, he's cool." "I'm sorry, my dear." "Please!" "They'll be here, I know they will." "But I really have to go." "Just a few more minutes." "As a favour to my dad?" "He's a community leader, they all know him." " I don't." " You must." "He's Mr Khan!" "Well, there are a lot of Khans around." "He's got the beard, the hat..." " drives a yellow Mercedes..." " Oh, him!" " So you can give us a few more minutes." " No." "But, Imam sir," "I'm sure such a wise and honoured man like you would want to help." "And doesn't our religion teach us that when it gets tough, we've got to fight some more?" "We've got to fight, fight, fight for this love?" "I think that's Cheryl Cole." "But fine, five more minutes, then that's it." "Thank you, Alia, thank you!" "That's all right, you're my sister, innit?" "MRS KHAN:" "Look, there's Mrs Malik in her stupid sari." "Come on, hurry up!" "MR KHAN:" "He needs a few more minutes in front of the heater." "His feet aren't thawed out yet!" "MRS KHAN:" "Come on!" "Hurry!" "I'm coming!" "Hurry, hurry!" "Come on!" "All right, all right!" "Oh, God, my flower!" "(INAUDIBLE)" " Beti!" " Mum!" "Beti!" "I'm so sorry!" "No, I'm sorry." "It's your special day, not mine, I was being selfish." "No, I was being selfish." "And look..." " Oh!" " It's beautiful." "And you don't have to wear that stupid hat." "Oh, thank God!" "Come on, Amjad." "Let's not keep them waiting, eh?" "Here he is!" "Get in there." "Right, we got groom." "We got bride." "We got bride's mother." "Everything is tickety-boo." "Imam, do your thing." " (FEEDBACK)" " Two, two." "One, two, one, two, hello." "Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here today..." " Hold on." " Now what?" "!" "That's not Amjad!" "(GASPS)" "Of course it is Amjad, what are you talking about?" "She's right." "It's not Amjad." "It is Amjad!" " Look!" " (GASPS)" "Oh, twadi." "No, it isn't!" "Brilliant!" " You idiot, you got the wrong groom!" " Heh!" "Well, let's not be hasty." "What does your father do, young man?" "And I thought this was going to be really boring!" "Where's my Amjad?" "What have you done with him?" " Why didn't you say something?" " Well..." "AMJAD:" "Shazia!" "Shazia!" "Shazia!" "Oh, thank you for saving me, sir." "Right, Amjad, the time has come for you to take your place in the finest family in Sparkhill - the Khans." " That's us." " OK." "And I just want to say, I couldn't be prouder to have you as a son-in-law." "Aw, you're the best, Mr Khan." "Thank you, sir." "Ameen." "You know, I don't know why people get so emotional at weddings." "It's just two people getting married." "Happens every day." "So, we've reached that part of the ceremony where I ask Amjad and Shazia to both give their consent to marry." "Shazia Khan, do you accept Amjad Malik as your husband?" "I accept." "Amjad Malik, do you accept Shazia Khan as your wife?" "I accept." "So, Shazia and Amjad have both given their agreement to marry." "Subhan Allah." "I now pronounce you husband and wife." "(HE SOBS)" "This is the happiest day of my life!" " Are you OK now?" " Yes." "It all worked out all right in the end." "Yes, but it's not finished yet." "Oh, yes, your speech." "I'd almost forgotten about it." "(FEEDBACK)" "Two, two." "One, two." "Hello." "Ladies and gentlemen, there's one more person we are going to hear from - a man who needs no introduction, although he gave me one anyway." "So, in a moment I'm going to call on the most respected, admired and loved community leader in Sparkhill, Mr Khan, they all know him." "(HAWKS NOISILY)" "But before I do, a funny story for you." "Now, a Muslim, a Christian and a Hindu walk into a mosque." "The Muslim comes up to the Christian and he says, '"Why the long face?" "'"" "Don't they both look lovely?" "They do." " Well done." " What for?" "Everything." "Oh, did you sort out the wedding car?" "Yes..." "Here you go." "Ah, thank you, sweetie." " It was a nice wedding, wasn't it?" " Haan." "What was your favourite bit?" "When Naani went home early." "No, seriously!" "When the Maliks went home early." "No." "When Amjad danced with Shazia." "She looked so happy." "It reminded me of the beautiful young girl I danced with at my wedding." "You do mean me?" "Of course!" "That's all right then." "Are you happy, my darling?" "Haan." "I was just being silly." "Or maybe, secretly, deep down, you were just a bit frightened... of losing Shazia." "Maybe." "Frightened that the house would feel all empty without her." "That you wouldn't see her any more and she would forget about us?" " But you're not afraid any more, no?" " Nahin." "Because she'll always be our little girl." "Haan." "And because you forgot to book the airline tickets for their honeymoon." "Shall we leave them?" "Why?" "Remember what we got up to on our wedding night?" "Oh, yes!" "Here and don't stay up too late, eh?" "Ripped By mstoll"