"Parking space, parking space." "Mr. Gibbs." "Tinker Dill." "Lovejoy associate." "May I say what a tremendous honor it is for me to shake the hand of the finest collector of Bow porcelain in the country." "A Bow inkpot." "With a central, circular well." "Surrounded by five holes to the shoulder." "Decorated with summer flowers... and dragonflies." "Painted by James Welsh in... shall we say 1758?" "Not expecting anyone else, are you, Harry?" "No." "No." "Oh, because I'd, er..." "I'd hate to think that this was turning into a, er... public auction." "(Laughs) No." "No, no." "First come, first served here, Lovejoy." "(Lovejoy sighs)" "You see, when people speak of collecting Bow, the name Charlie Renton frequently comes up." "I said, "No, no, no." "Unlike you he has not got the true gift."" "Charlie Renton does not collect." " He shops." " Oh, look..." "Now, if you will excuse me." "I'm late for an important appointment." "Lovejoy!" "£7,000?" "That's gonna make a bit of a hole in the kitty." "Leaves precisely nothing in the kitty, but not for long." "Wait till Charlie Renton sees it, he'll be jumping for joy." "We were visiting friends." "They had just acquired some mice and... it was in a case at the head of the stairs." "Charles, he rushed to look, he tripped, he fell." "(Sighs)" "Such big stairs, Lovejoy." "I'm sorry, Maria." "You will keep the inkpot for him, won't you?" "It will be such a nice surprise when he wakes up." "Course I will." "Dave Goodis." "Just the man we need in these trying times." "You cannot be serious." "Never more so, Tink." "David!" "Top of the morning to you, gentlemen." "What can I do for you, Lovejoy?" "Are you still shipping out brown furniture, Dave?" "Yes." "Once a month to Florida." "They love a bit of brown furniture over there." " May have something for you." " Fire away." "A dozen dining chairs, late Victorian, couple of mahogany wardrobes, Edwardian, and there's a..." "I think there's a couple of what, '30s oak gate-legged table." "And what else is there?" "Oh, yeah." "There's a Victorian occasional table with funny stretches." "And a couple of Sunderland tables." "And also part of a maple drawing room suite." "I'd say four." " Three." " And a half." "Ah, fair enough." "Okey-dokey." "Love you and leave you." "Ugh." "I don't believe it." "Cleaned up, those chairs alone would be worth a grand." "I've told you time and time again, Eric, turnover, turnover, turnover." "A bird in the hand is a phone bill paid." "But he didn't even want to see the stuff." "Close your eyes and think of England." "In the meantime, here's to Charlie Renton's speedy recovery." "And I'm sorry, that's all I've got." "I've decided to change my life." "Right now, this minute." "Sorry?" "And this is the first step." "Talking to you." " Hi." " Hello." "(Laughs) What's your name?" "Eric." " Eric." "I'm looking for Lovejoy." " He's over there." "Ah." "Cheers." "I called in at the house." "I don't know how you do any business, you're never there." "Hello, Jane, nice to see you." "May I buy you a drink?" "No, thanks." "I haven't got the time." "I just wondered... whether, er... whether I could drop in this evening for a chat about Scotland." " Scotland?" " Oh, Lovejoy, don't tell me you've forgotten." "I'll be in all evening and at your disposal." "Thanks." "It'll end in tears." "See you later." "Do you believe in love at first sight?" "Katriona." "Katriona." "Katriona Brooksby." "I told you about her." " She's one of my oldest friends." " Oh, another one?" "Yeah, I've got it now." "Mother, stark raving mad." "They live in a big house in Scotland." "The mother's Lady Macbeth of Macduff, something like that." "Her mother is Lady Rebecca McNeil of Kilbeg." "And she's not raving mad, Lovejoy." "She's... a bit dotty." "Well, she was widowed when Katriona was a baby and hasn't been the same since." " So what's Katriona's problem?" " Well..." "It's not a big estate, but Katriona has to run it just about single-handed." "She's got no brothers or sisters, and Edward, that's her husband, has health problems, and Lady Rebecca is, erm..." "Bit dotty." "...proving more difficult." "And the overheads are pretty horrendous, so Katriona's, well..." " Skint." " Precisely." "She needs to raise cash to tide her over." "Now, there's a piece of furniture she could sell, but she's very inexperienced in these matters." "She needs expert advice and guidance." "And so I thought if you weren't doing anything this weekend, we could fly up." "Very short notice, Janey." "But such a beautiful part of the world, I'm sure you'd love it." "I'm really very busy." "And of course you'd be paid commission on the sale." "On the other hand, I could do with a break." "Never know, it might be fun." " Let's not get carried away, Jane." " (Laughs)" "Thanks, Lovejoy." "It's very good of you." "Yeah, I know." "So what's happening with you?" "Well, the boring thing since Alex and I stopped living together as man and wife, so to speak, is the number of male acquaintances who assume I'm desperate to get off with them." "Yeah, men." "Hmm." "Thank God you're not like that, Lovejoy." "(Laughs) Oh, dear." "Well, thanks for the tea." "I'll call you tomorrow about the travel arrangements." " Yeah." "Good night, Jane." " (Laughs)" "Good night." "Of course I'm not like that, but if I was, what would be so funny about it?" "(Jane laughs)" "Are you still working on that?" "Morning, Lovejoy." "You're not restoring the Sistine Chapel, you know, Eric." "Tink, when Dave Goodis comes round, remember, it's 3½ grand cash." "Non-negotiable." "D'accord." "Any news about Charlie Renton?" "I spoke to Maria." "The poor sod's still unconscious." "No chance of any dosh, then?" "I'm only being realistic." "I haven't had any wages for two weeks, I'm down to me last fiver." "Me too, Lovejoy." "I tried to tell you I did a couple of trips up to town on your behalf," " at considerable personal expense." " That's right." "All right." "All right." "Don't nag." "I'm gonna regret this." "The trouble with me is I'm a soft touch." "(Sighs and clears throat)" "Always have been, always will be." "The Lovejoy... last-ditch... emergency slush fund." "£1,350." "And by emergency, I mean emergency, and by Lovejoy, I mean me." " (Car beeps)" " Oh." "That will be Janey." "Eric, you'd better stay here while I'm away." "100 for you, 100 for you." "And you, no parties." "Stay away from my booze." "Keep an eye on him, Tink." "And don't buy anything, Eric." "Not even John Lennon's Y-fronts." "Good morning, Janey." "Missing you already, Lovejoy." "(Sighs) Isn't this beautiful?" "(Scots accent) Oh, aye, that it is, Janey." "♪ Oh, the River Clyde's a wonderful sight ♪" "I do hope you're going to behave, Lovejoy." "(Mooing)" "(Jane) There's Kilbeg House." " Well?" " Oh, yes." "Very Balmoral." "Apart from the fact that it was built at the turn of the century." "Rebuilt, actually." "Well, the front part, anyway." "By a very famous Scottish architect." "Lorimer?" "Yes, all right, clever dick." "But the old parts of the house pre-date the flood." "(Sighs) You know, I adore this place." "I'm so glad you came." "Hello." "Hello!" "Oh, by the way," " don't tell anyone why you're here." " What?" "In fact, it's probably best if you don't mention antiques at all." " Why, Jane?" " Lady Jane." "Welcome back to Kilbeg." "It's wonderful to be here, Duncan." " How are you?" " Fair, fair." "Duncan, this is my friend Lovejoy." "Aye." "Where is everybody?" "Where's Katriona?" "Foraging for your supper." "Lady Rebecca's taking a wee rest." "Mr. Brooksby's engaged upon his... stress-reducing program." "Darling, you're here." "Duncan, you'd better get started on these." " I've picked the least depressed-looking ones." " (Laughs) Oh." "Mwah." "It's good to see you, Katriona." "Oh, this is Lovejoy." "I've heard a great deal about you, Mr. Lovejoy." "Just Lovejoy." "I'll show you to your rooms." "All the PGs are out, so we'll have a good hour to ourselves." " What's, erm..." "What's PGs?" " Paying guests." "(Katriona) I have to keep telling Duncan off, he will keep calling them punters." "Lovejoy." "I've put you in Hector's room." "Here." "Jane, I've put you in here next door." "Hope that's all right." "Well, of course." "If you need anything, let me know." " Who's Hector?" " (Dog barks)" "That's Hector." "He's rather elderly." "He won't sleep anywhere else." " No problem." " Hope you don't mind." "(They laugh)" "(Barking continues)" "That reminds me, what it is about these old Scottish houses." "They leak." "I used to stay with Katriona in the school holidays." "We spent hours in here." "This is my bolthole." "When I get a bit fed up, I just come in here, pour myself a stiff drink." "A rather frequent state of affairs after the last year, I'm afraid." "Yeah, this must be an expensive house to run." "Yep." "It's the proverbial black hole into which money disappears." "God knows I've done all I can to cut back the overheads." "I've even sell the wood, Janey." "They're going to clear it out and replant it with conifers." "Oh, no." "Yeah." "There's no point in getting sentimental." "Times change." "Got to adapt." "Like, erm, paying guests?" "Yep." "Some people, God help them, are quite prepared to fork out for the privilege of staying here." "We give them a bit of shooting, a bit of fishing, if they want." "The main attraction is getting dressed up and having dinner with Lady Rebecca of Kilbeg, which can be quite a nerve-wracking experience because you never know what my mother's going to say next." "Did, er, Jane tell you about her?" " She said something about her." " Mm." "She can be a... bit difficult." "But don't get me wrong, she's completely on the ball about most things, which is part of the problem I want you to help me with, Lovejoy." "Well..." "If it's my kind of problem, I'd like to help." "There's a piece of furniture, it's the bureau cabinet." "Sir Torquil McNeil who was my great-great-grandfather, had it made in Northern Italy during the grand tour of, ooh... 17... 17-something." "I want to sell it, Lovejoy." "The house is falling down about our ears." "I need to raise some money urgently." " Can I see it?" " (Whispers) There's a problem." "The bureau cabinet is in my mother's sitting room." "She's turned it into a sort of shrine to my father." "And I..." "I just can't face explaining to her that we have to sell it." "So I thought would it be possible to make a copy?" "A replica." "So she wouldn't know." "It would be possible, wouldn't it?" "Yeah." "It would be possible." "(Man) Katriona." "(Whispers) Don't mention this to Edward." "In here, Teddy darling." "Oh, thought I heard voices." "Oh, there you are." "Have you been listening to your relaxation tapes?" "Jane's arrived." "This is her friend Lovejoy." " Jane, how are you?" " Hello, Edward." " Lovejoy, my husband Edward." " How do you do?" "Would you like a drink, darling?" "Er, just a very small single malt." "Thank you, dear." "Can't drink blended whisky anymore." "Irritates the lower bowel, you know." "How are you, Edward?" "Well, it's this damn ticker of mine, Jane." "The doctors just can't seem to get to the bottom of it." "They will, darling." "So, Katriona been telling you about our latest money-making scheme?" "Oh, Lord, no." "I wouldn't bore them with that, darling." "Venison." "The meat of the future." "Organically reared, of course." "Of course." "Got to raise some capital first, naturally." "That's where we came unstuck with the salmon farm, lack of capital." "Then I got this damn back trouble." "Same thing with the knitwear scheme." "Under-funded." "Next thing I know, blasted blood pressure goes through the roof." " Just couldn't give it all my full attention." " Not your fault, darling." "Oh, well." "Here's to it." "Health." "Wealth." " Happiness." " Mud in your eye." "Half an hour to go." "So, here we are." "Erm, may I introduce... this is, erm, Lady Jane Felsham, and, erm, Lovejoy." "This is, er, Mr. And Mrs. Kaufmann." "From Frankfurt." "Hello." " Please." " Mr. And Mrs. Pendleton from Cincinnati." "How do you do?" "Hello." "Pleased to meet you." "And, er, this is Mr. And Mrs. Gerald Somers." " Hi." "Good to see you." " Pleased to meet you." " Pleased to meet you." " Hello." " Hello." " Gerald Somers." "Lovejoy." "Not Lady Felsham from Felsham Hall?" "(Laughs) How marvelous." "I suppose you must have known the McNeils for years." "Yes, I was at school with Katriona." "How lovely." "We've visited several times." "We're paying, of course." "What about you, Lovejoy?" "Are you a friend of the family too?" "Only time will tell." "Which reminds me, when do we get nosebag?" "I'm starving." "All right, Duncan." "Action stations." "(Sniffs) Mm." "See the whole thing is the doctors are totally bemused by the heartbeat." "See, sometimes it goes dum, dum." "And sometimes it goes dumty-dumty-tum!" "Do you see?" " It's totally baffling." " (Bagpipes)" "No business like show business." "So this is where they all are." "Mother, this is Lovejoy." "Lady Rebecca." "Where's Duncan?" "I want a drink." "He's playing the bagpipes, Mama." "Can't you hear?" "What on earth for?" "Well, people like it, Mother, it evokes an atmosphere." " Your father would be furious." " Don't start that, Mother." "He reminds me... of Malcolm." "Yes." "Shall we all go into dinner?" "I think you've made a hit there, Lovejoy." "You may take me into dinner." " Who's Malcolm?" " Local poacher." "Got no teeth." "(Chatter)" "Palpitations sometimes accompanied by a certain feeling of weightlessness, and this pressure behind the eyes." "Well, it's possible, of course, that the Campbells were of British stock, assimilated by the colonizing Scots." "Felsham Hall must be wonderful at this time of the year, Lady Jane." "Gerald and I are often in the vicinity." "Yes, it's a lovely part of the world." "I didn't quite catch what it is you do, Lovejoy." " Probably because I didn't say." " Its a very impertinent question." "You were quite right not to answer." " Lady Rebecca..." " Not that I'm surprised." "The place is filled with people I've never laid eyes on before, poking about, trooping in and out of all the rooms." "It's like Piccadilly Circus." " (Katriona) Mother." " Duncan." "My glass is empty." "Calm yourself or there'll be no more of this for you." "Slainte mhor!" "Thank you." "Gerald." "It's one of Edward's money-making wheezes." "Good." "Duncan." " Mr. And Mrs. Kaufmann." " Now?" "Yes." "She's a trouper, your mum." "Cheers." "Hi." "Did you do it, then?" " Do what?" " Change your life?" "No." " I postponed it till tomorrow." " (Laughs)" "Drink pints, do you?" "No." "No, I'm drinking this for someone else." "(Laughs)" "Erm..." "Can I get you another one?" "All right." "Let's go outside, though." "Get away from those two." "Good idea." "Who are they?" "My dad and my brother." "Nice family." "Come on." "Don't be shy." "Cheers." " So, what's your name, then?" " Sandra." " That's a nice name." " No, it's not." " My name's Eric." " That's a nice name." "No, it's not. (Laughs)" "(♪ Stereo plays Derek And The Dominos:" "Layla)" " What do you think?" " It's my theme tune." "Christ." "What have you got in here?" "My dad knocked down this barn and the farmer said he could keep most of the junk that was in it." " What are you going to do with it, then?" " I don't know." " Flog it to Dave Goodis, I suppose." " Dave Goodis?" " I'll give you a better price than Dave Goodis." " You?" "Yeah." "I'm in the antique business." "Look." "Lovejoy and Associates." "I'm an associate." "So you tell your dad I'll take the lot off his hands." " Sh." " What?" "I love this bit." "Oi!" " What's he doing in here?" " Mind your own business." "Out!" " Get off me, Horse!" " Get back in the van, then." "Leave her alone!" "You what?" "Er..." "I just said I think you ought to leave her alone." "Bureau cabinet." "Walnut." "18th century, but it's not Italian, it's Dutch." " What?" " Dutch." "Are you sure?" "Mm-hm. (Clears throat)" "What are you doing?" "Well, the first machine-made screws were produced in 1851." " Sometimes you can tell..." " (Footsteps approaching)" "I don't want to go to bed because I'm not tired." "I was just giving Lovejoy a guided tour." "Thought you'd gone to bed." "I hardly sleep at all these days." "I lie awake staring into the darkness." "One might as well be dead." "(Duncan laughs) Sit down." "I'll get you a drop of whisky." "Do this, do that." "What a dreadful man you are." "Always ordering me around." "Don't stay up too late." "I hope you found my sitting room of interest, Mr. Lovejoy." "I found it fascinating, Lady Rebecca." "Good night." "Before I say any more," " I'd like to have a good look at it in daylight." " Yes." "Yes, of course." "Absolutely." " Good night, Katriona." " Good night, Lovejoy." "Oh, Lovejoy." "Mm?" "Do you know, I haven't seen Jane look so happy for years." "It's marvelous." "(Knock at door)" "Come in." "Lovejoy, you are clever." "That's my favorite fantasy." " What is?" " Well, it's past midnight up at the big house, nothing stirs, but hark." "What's that?" "Footsteps in the west wing getting closer." "The door handle turns and a shadowy figure crosses the threshold." ""Why, sir, what can this mean?"" ""I'm sorry, madam, I must have the wrong room."" "I wonder if Katriona has an old chauffeur's uniform you could borrow." "(Laughs) That's very, very amusing, Jane." "Oh, come on." "What's up?" "You've got your serious look on." "I don't, er..." "I don't think I can help Katriona sell her bureau cabinet." "Oh, Lovejoy, why not?" "It's a total no-no, Janey." "It is not the real thing." "It's absolutely bogus despite the hand-made screws." "Oh, poor Katriona, what did she say?" "I didn't tell her." "I thought I'd speak to you first." "My God." "All these years that bloody piece of furniture sits there and now it turns out to be no good." "Well, not that long, actually." "Two or three years at the most." "Well, wait a minute." "That means..." "Somebody beat Katriona to it." "(Sighs)" "Well, what are we going to do?" "Sleep on it." "By the way, Katriona doesn't think that you and me are an item, does she?" "No." "Why?" "It's just... something she said, it's quite embarrassing, actually." " Well, I can assure you she doesn't." " Well, that's fine, isn't it?" "Good night." ""Quite embarrassing"?" "Bloody cheek." "(Dog barks)" "Good night, Hector." "They used to apply a special oil varnish to walnut." "It was a great base for the wax polish." "As a result you get this beautiful, mellow patina." "Or as in this case, you wouldn't get it." "It's almost impossible to fake." "It's not a bad effort, though." "I don't suppose you've given this a second look in years, have you, Katriona?" "No." "I don't suppose I gave it a first look." "Furniture's just not my thing, Lovejoy." "How much would the original have been worth?" "60, £70,000." "Oh, God." "Was it insured, Katriona?" "No." "What would I tell them?" "A valuable piece of furniture belonging to my mother was stolen three years ago and nobody noticed?" "I want to find out how this has happened." "Will you help me, Lovejoy?" "But the frame's carved, Tinker, not molded." "And the mirror's got that sort of hazy look that Lovejoy was always going on about." "And I had a quick look at the back and it didn't appear to have any red oxide." "And red oxide was only used in the last century." "Eric, I did know that." "Now, let's recap." "The two of you repaired to said operative's pantechnicon, in the back of which, surrounded by a welter of rural detritus..." "Farmyard crap, yeah." "You espied what you took to be a mirror." "No, a 17th-century Florentine cassetta worth £5,000." "Right." "So, containing your excitement, you made a very sensible offer, sufficient to tempt, yet not enough to arouse suspicion." "Well, not quite." "Because Horse, that's her brother, dragged me from the van." "Then Sandra tried to get out of the van and then he shoved her back in," " and then the old bloke just drove off." " (Laughs) Sheer brilliance." "It's got everything, Eric." "Sex, violence and ancient lawn mowers." "(Laughs) I know." "Isn't the antique business wonderful?" "Anyway, I thought we should track 'em down and make 'em an offer." "No." "No, no, no!" "I am far too old to do business with anybody called Horse." "(Phone rings)" "Lovejoy and..." "Oh." "The voice of sanity." "Lovejoy, how are things in the Highlands?" "Full of surprises, Tink." "How's Charlie Renton?" "Oh, he's unconscious, I'm afraid." "Did Goodis turn up yet?" "No, not yet." "There's not very much good news from here." "Tink, if you wanted a brand-new, 18th-century walnut bureau cabinet, Dutch, where would you find it?" "Miller, Jessop." "No, no." "I'm talking an accurate copy of an actual piece." "Oh, wait a minute." "Dutch." "There's that lovely cabinet-maker, Archie..." "Archie Letts." "That's the one." "Find out where he's working." "This is all a bit suspicious, Lovejoy, what are you up to?" "I've not been up to anything, unfortunately." "I shall be back tomorrow." "I'll see you then." "No, no, hang on a minute." "There's an itinerant house-clearant operative manqué who'd like a word with you." " Hi, Lovejoy." "The most amazing thing's..." " Eric." "Where were you last night?" "I tried to ring you." "In the pub." "But look, I've found this mirror." " Eric." " I'm in with a chance..." "Eric, stop gibbering." "When I ask you to stay in a house, I mean stay in it, don't go out all night boozing." " I shall see you tomorrow." " No, Lovejoy, Lovejoy." "Listen." "(Sighs)" "Dr. Livingstone." "I presume?" "I was looking for Katriona and Jane." "Must have, er... got lost." "I" " I think they've gone for a walk." "This could do with a lick of paint, couldn't it?" "Well, that would hardly be appropriate." "This part of the house dates back to the 13th century." "Made a study of it, have you?" "It's said that Robert the Bruce hid in this very room while fleeing the English in 1306." "Most intelligent people would find that of interest, I think." "If he'd had my room, he might have considered giving himself up." "Toodle-oo." "You reckon they've gone for a walk?" "Yes." "Cheers." "Hello." "What a lovely dog." "No." "If I told Edward about the bureau cabinet, he'd have palpitations." "Oh." "Husbands." "I sometimes wonder if they're worth all the bother." "Oh, I'm so sorry, Jane." "I keep forgetting you haven't got one any longer." "Oh, that's all right." "Even when I had one, I kept forgetting too." "Oh, Lovejoy." "You've found us." "Oh, Lovejoy." "What do you think of the pigsty?" "Greek revival. 18th century." " Right, Janey?" " Erm..." "Right, Lovejoy." "Some of the best examples were built in the spa towns like Cheltenham, the Regency period, but this is..." "This is early, what, 1790 or 1780?" "Not bad." "Torquil McNeil had it built in 1786." "He was the one who commissioned the bureau cabinet." "He came back from his grand tour, he bought some pigs, absolutely fell in love with them," "Lady Mary, his wife, stopped speaking to him as a result." "Now, family legend has it, he spent a fortune on the pigsty just to annoy her." "(They laugh)" "Difficult to see where the money went, that's all I can say." "Not bad for the average pig dwelling." "No." "Come on." "I suppose the forester company will pull it down." "Oh, no, that's awful." "Tell you the truth, I've never much cared for the place." "It always gave me the creeps." "Now, I've got the key." "So we'll have a last look." " Doesn't seem to work." " Oh." "Maybe it's rusty." "Oh." "Won't work... because somebody's changed the lock." "Why would anyone want to do that?" "Oh." "Misspent adulthood." "Who knows what lies behind this door?" "Spooky." "Oh, shut up, Lovejoy, and get on with it." "In you go." "(Door creaks)" "Bit of a letdown, really, isn't it?" "I wouldn't have expected wooden paneling." "Look at this." "You've had visitors." "How very peculiar." "Well, maybe it's men working in the wood." "Scotch." "Glasses, flowers and a... folding bed." "Looks like a lovers' meeting place to me." "It's a bloody cheek changing the lock." "Hello." "Hello, Robert." "We think someone's been up to no good in the pigsty." "Oh, aye?" "Oh, you haven't met Jane Felsham." "(Robert) Lady Jane." "I've always wanted to meet you." " (Jane) How do you do?" " And now I have. (Laughs)" "(They laugh)" "Lovejoy, this is Robert Fraser." " Pleased to meet you, Lovejoy." " Robert." " Robert's the man who's bought the wood." " That's right." "If you can't see the wood for the trees, I'm your man." "(They laugh)" "Oh." "Robert you must come for dinner tonight." "Yes, you must." "Well, if Lady Jane says I must, then indeed I must." "(Laughs)" "(Woman on TV) Kiss me, darling." "She says you'll buy this stuff I've got in the back." " Ah, well, the thing is, erm..." " Eric, you said." "Well, I'd need to see it again." "I want a grand." "A grand?" "I t-told you." "He's a sodding t-time-waster." "No, he's not." "Are you?" "All right, a grand." "Wait here." "Lovejoy's last-ditch emergency slush fund." "Lovejoy, you'd understand if you were here." "Ooh, whoa, whoa." "Careful." "Pleasure doing business with you." "It's all there, trust me." "You don't mind if I stay, do you?" "So here we are, then." "Two beers and 15 cold fishfingers." "Cheers." "You think of everything, Eric." "Well, hospitality's my thing." "I made a study of it." "Do you know that the smallest, most trivial thing can change your life?" "That's what you said in the pub, you were changing your life." "It's my thing." "I've made a study of it." "(He laughs)" "Except I haven't done it yet." "Unless I'm doing it now, being here, talking to you." "Come on, Sandra, your life can't be that bad." "I hate my life, Eric." "And why do you hate your life, Sandra?" "I'll tell you when I know you better." "When will that be?" "Quite soon." "(Bagpipes)" "(Scots accent) There's a saying in these parts..." "When a man in a skirt starts strangling the cat... dinner is served." "Good evening." "Are you all right?" "Just feeling a little bit giddy." "I'll be all right soon." "I'm just popping up to take my blood pressure." " Anything I can do?" " No, no." "Too kind, but, er... you go on down." "Of course, one of the guests could have spotted the bureau cabinet whilst they were having a good snoop around the house." "It must have required planning, but some of them come back here two or three times a year." "What do you think, Lovejoy?" "Well, first thing you want me to do is track down the cabinet-maker who made the copy." "Mark my words, venison farming, that's the future around here." "It's, er, it's a unique investment opportunity." "Then maybe I can find out who commissioned it." "So what do you think I said to that?" "I've no idea." "Do tell me." "We could check the name on our records." "I said to him, "Those aren't trees, those are tomorrow's newspapers."" "(They laugh)" " I don't think it's going to be that simple." " Talk, talk, talk." "What does it all signify?" "Absolutely nothing." "Duncan, I want some more wine." "Quite right, Lady R. All this... hot air makes you thirsty." "You have summed it up admirably, Malcolm." "Lovejoy." "Lovejoy, would you care to stand on the end?" "(Whispers) I want to show you something upstairs." "And now one of the beauteous Lady Jane and myself, Edward, for the sake of posterity." "Why not?" "(Camera chimes)" "That's odd." "Seem to be out of film." "Hm." "(Camera continues chiming)" ""If you can't see the wood for the trees, I'm your man." (Laughs)" " Oh, shut up, Lovejoy." " Not while I'm wearing my kilt, I won't." "All right, he's not a great wit, but I don't care, I was having a very nice time until you dragged me away." "There were some Polaroids in the pigsty, and one was of the original bureau cabinet." "So I brought them back here including one of the redhead." "Redhead?" "What redhead?" "My jacket was in the wardrobe and the Polaroids were in the pocket." "The ones from the pigsty are gone, unless they're, erm..." "I took these with Edward's camera." "I saw Edward coming up here before dinner." " (Dog barks)" " What's Edward got to do with it?" "Shut up!" "I'll tell you what Edward's got to do with it." "Look out!"