"thefollowingis an address" "From the president of the united" "States." "goodevening." "In the next few days, the u.S." "House of representatives and the" "Senate will be voting on a vital" "Piece of legislation." "It is a tax package worked out" "By this white house and" "Republican congressional" "Leaders." "And it is absolutely essential" "That it pass." "Both to extend unemployment" "Benefits to those out of work" "And to prevent a massive tax" "Increase on the american middle" "Class." "At a time when the economy can" "Least afford it." "Now, I know that many of you are" "Unhappy with parts of this" "Proposal." "Especially that includes tax" "Cuts for those making over" "$250,000 a year." "But the simple fact is, this" "White house had no choice." "Republican leaders insisted on" "Tax cuts for the wealthy, and as" "As I said in my press conference" "Monday, they had decided to hold" "Us hostage." "Literally." "They held us hostage in all for" "About three days." "Bound, bagged, blindfolded in a" "Dark room somewhere outside" "Washington." "It was a terrifying experience." "Hard to put into words." "I don't think I'll ever get over" "It, really." "And here's something else." "The stockholm syndrome where" "Hostages come to identify and" "Agree with their captors, that's" "A real phenomenon." "It really is." "I learned that for myself when" "On the fourth day I suddenly" "Decided that I kind of agreed" "With the republican philosophy" "Of trickle-down economics." "That's why, to me, the tax cuts" "For the wealthy aren't a big" "Problem." "They're the best part of the" "Bill." "You watch." "I predict the rich will use that" "Extra money to go out and create" "Jobs." "Millions and millions of jobs." "It's like rush said on his show" "The other day." "I never got hired by a poor" "Person." "So if house speaker nancy pelosi" "Or as I now like to call her," "San francisco nancy, would just" "Stop her obstructionist tactics" "And let this bill come to a" "Vote, we can get our economy" "Moving again." "Now, san francisco nancy and her" "Democrat pals need to understand" "That six weeks ago the american" "People went to the polls and" "Overwhelmingly rejected their" "San francisco values and their" "Class warfare politics." "One more thing." "I would be remiss were I to" "Appear before you tonight and" "Not express my extreme" "Disappointment, perhaps outrage" "Is a better word, at the unjust" "Treatment accorded bristol palin" "Recently on "dancing with the" "Stars."" "The judges' decision was a" "Travesty." "And I join the first lady as" "Well as her fellow mama" "Grizzlies in condemning it." "Well, that's all for tonight." "I will see you next week in" "Tampa, florida, when I join" "Glenn beck and bill o'reilly as" "Part of our bold fresh tour." "Now, in closing, let me reassure" "You that however long it takes," "This nation's current troubles" "Will pass." "Because you americans never have" "And never will give up." "I say you americans because even" "Though I always thought I was" "Born here -- uh, lately I've" "Begun to have my doubts." "Thank you and live from new" "York, it's Saturday night!" "[ cheers and applause ] announcer:" "It's"Saturday" "Night live"!" "With " "Fred armisen" "Abby elliott" "Bill hader" "Seth meyers" "Bobby moynihan" "Andy samberg" "Jason sudeikis" "Kenan thompson" "Kr" "Kristen wiig" "Featuring vanessa bayer" "Paul brittain" "Taran killam" "Nasim pedrad" "Jay pharoah" "Musical guest paul mccartney." "And your host, paul rudd!" "Ladies and gentlemen, paul rudd!" "Captions paid for by nbc-universal television [ cheers and applause ] thankyou!" "Thank you!" "Thank you!" "Thank you!" "Thank you so much." "It is so great to be hosting" ""Saturday night live" for the" "Second time." "The first time I was nervous." "But I must have done something" "Right, because this time when I" "Walked into the studio, there" "Were all these people lined up" "Freezing cold chanting" ""paul!" "Paul!" "[ laughter ]" "All for me!" "Paul rudd!" "And those fans, they're intense." "One lady was out there, she was" "Crying just because she was like" "In my presence." "[ laughter ]" "Can you imagine?" "Then someone yelled out," ""yesterday."" "Which, I guess, is a reference" "To the npr interview I gave" "Yesterday." "[ laughter ]" "I didn't think anybody was" "Listening to that." "To be honest, some of those" "Fans know a little too much" "About me." "Like one guy screamed "her" "Majesty," which is my nickname" "On movie sets among the crew." "[ laughter ]" "I don't know how they found that" "Out." "Internet, I guess." "Most of all, they were just" "Screaming my name, "paul, paul," "Paul!"" "It was incredible." "[ cheers and applause ]" "How are you?" "[ cheers and applause ] thankyou." "really,I mean,to be here" "With you -- oh." "Oh." "They were cheering -- yeah, they" "Were cheering for you." "well,I wascheeringfor you ." "I loved "role models."" "oh,that'sso nice." "Wow." "Thank you so much." "No disrespect." "I'm just glad we cleared up this" "Whole paul bit." "yo,yo,yo ,featureplayer" "Paul brittain is in the mother" "Freaking house!" "[ cheers and applause ]" "Yeah." "oh." "Sorry." "heseemednice." "he'snew." "Anyway, we've got a great show." "allsortsof paulsare here." "[ cheers and applause ] stickaround,we 'llbe right" "Back!" "[ cheers and applause ]" "evenyourcat." "That's why we at pet chalet" "Asked a panel of premier" "European chefs to create the" "Ultimate menu." "Introducing feline culinary" "Creations." "Handcrafted gourmet meals you" "Can proudly bring to your cat's" "Table." "Recipes like filet with shiitake" "Demi glace." "Salmon carpaccio with lobster" "Medallions." "A trio of braised lamb, venison" "Ravioli and broccoli rabe." "Sweet and sour crab with minor" "Lemon." "So show your cat what fine" "Dining is all about." "Feline culinary creations." "For the love of your cat." "[ applause ]" "I'mkindof nervoustomeet" "The whole family." "don'tworry." "Holidays with my family are" "Great." "whoisthatout there?" "justa coupleof christmas" "Elves." "oh,austin." "Oh, you're here." "I can't believe it." "Look at my man." "He's all grown up." "Idon'thavemyglasseson." "Is that george clooney?" "dad." "whata greatguy." "I'm so proud of you." "mom,I 'dlikeyoutomeet my" "Girlfriend, amanda." "amanda,we'reso gladyou" "Could spend the holidays with" "Us." "welcome." "I remember when I first brought" "My first girlfriend home for" "Christmas." "She was mighty nervous." "howdidit go ?" "Imarriedher." "oh,that'sme ." "numbnutsroastingonanopen" "Fire." "hey,duane." "This is amanda." "you'rea stepup ." "His last steady girl was a" "Blow-up doll." "easy,bro." "justkidding." "Feliz navidad." "Mmm." "[ laughter ] wow." "averypriceywreaththere," "Duane." "Iearnedsomeextradough" "Breaking down boxes." "ahardworker." "Ilearnedfromyou ." "[ laughter ] hey,mom,do youhaveany" "More gum?" "oh,no,buthere,honey,take" "My piece." "[ laughter ] [ audience ohs ] [ laughter ] thanks." "Babe, you want some gum?" "Idon'tlikegum ." "hey,everybody." "who'sthat?" "nota familychristmas" "Without our relatives from" "Romania." "uncle,getoverhere." "How you doing?" "[ kissing noises ] andnowwe kisslikeromanian" "Vogelcheck." "comehere,Imissedyou." "unclevladandmyaunt" "Traveled all the way from a tiny" "Village thousands of miles just" "To be with us." "oh,mygosh." "[ doorbell rings ]" "I'llgetit ." "welcome,stranger." "hello." "I'm sorry to bother you, but my" "Sleigh -- my car broke down." "May I use your telephone?" "ofcourse." "During the holidays, our home is" "Open to all." "thankyou." "Iknowwhat!" "Let's do the traditional" "Vogelcheck christmas dance!" "yeah!" "what'sthedance?" "oh,you'llbe abletofollow" "Along." "♪" "♪ a one and a two ♪ [ kissing sounds ]" "♪ okay." "Okay." "Um, you know what, austin?" "I think my family might be" "Missing me." "Maybe I should go." "but,babe,duane'sfriends" "Are coming over." "oh,holdon ,holdon." "Stop right there." "I know what's going on." "You saw all this kissing, and" "You got uncomfortable." "I'll tell you a little story." "Vlad and elena here have been" "Married for 60 years." "They have survived communism, a" "World war and the justified" "Stoning of their daughter," "Lishka." "[ light laughter ]" "But every day before vlad goes" "Out into the field, he and elena" "Hug and kiss." "It means I love you." "And we do." "We're vogelchecks." "andI thinkI'mgoingto" "Spend the holidays right here" "With the vogelczehecks." "everyone'swelcome." "Even that guy using the phone." "Where is he?" "he'sgone!" "Look, there's more presents" "Under the tree." "ho,ho,ho ,merrychristmas!" "youmeanthatwas " "Santa!" "[ laughter ] [ audience ohs ] merrychristmasto all." "♪ [ applause ] ho,ho,ho ,happyholidays" "From the vogelchecks!" "andnowit 'stimetoplay -- all:" "What'sthatname?" "andhere'syourhost," "Vince white!" "[ applause ] hello." "Hello, hello, hello." "And welcome to "what's that" "Name?"" "The rules are simple." "We show you a person, you tell" "Us their name." "Our contestants today are jake" "A cfo at smith and price." "And carolyn, a senior partner at" "Chapman real estate." "The first question goes to jake." "He's subway's number one" "Spokesman." "What's that name?" "jaredfogle." "[ ding ] 20bucksforyou ." "[ light laughter ]" "Carolyn, you're up." "He's the second lead in the film" ""saving silverman."" "What's that name?" "oh,I knowthis." "Steve zahn." "[ ding ]" "$20foryou." "Now it's time to up the ante." "Jake, this next one is for" "$10,000." "[ laughter ]" "And here to read the clue is the" "Man himself." "♪" "I'vebeenyourdoormanfor" "Four years." "[ laughter ]" "I open the door for you every" "Day." "I've always got a joke and a" "Smile." "What's my name?" "hey,man." "[ laughter ]" "How's it hanging?" "lowandlazy." "What's my name?" "I know your whole family." "Your son ozzie loves outer" "Space." "What's my name?" "[ laughter ] carl?" "[ buzzer ] audience,what'sthatname?" "all:" "Norman!" "normanthedoorman." "oh,I 'msosorry." "Say hi to the wife for me." "I'msorry,what'sthat?" "Say hi to my wife?" "yeah,okay,I'lltakethebus" "Out to forest hills cemetery and" "Tell her that you say hello." "♪ mygod,whatthe hellkind of" "Show is this?" "it's" what'sthatname?"" "[ laughter ]" "Carolyn, you're up." "And we've got another walk-on" "Clue." "♪ fortenyearsIcleanyour" "Office every day." "What's my name?" "oh,it'syou." "Do you have any fun plans for" "The holidays?" "yes." "Cleaning your office!" "What's my name?" "[ laughter ] youdon'tseemtoknow her" "Name." "Ithinkit 'ssomethinglike" "Eeyore?" "thatiscartoondonkey." "[ laughter ] eedore." "[ buzzer ] what'sthatname?" "all:" "Mary!" "[ laughter ] butstevezahnyou know." "♪" "Ijustwishthosepeoplewore" "Name tags." ""thosepeople"?" "Ijustwanttosay, Ithink" "What you're doing here is pretty" "Lousy." "well,I thinkyou'relousy." "[ laughter ] doyouknowyourcameraman's" "Name?" "middleone'scharlie." "whatabouttheothertwo?" "I'mnotacontestant." "[ laughter ] whataretheirnames?" "ifI toldyou,ifI were a" "Contestant, but I'm not." "You are." "And here's your next clue." "♪ whothehellare they?" "eightofyoursummerinterns." "They worked for you for free for" "Four months." "If you can tell me any of their" "Names, I'll give you $1 million." "[ laughter ]" "I,uh-- oh ,geez." "I don't " "I don't know." "I'm just going to say a name." "Josh." "[ ding ] therearethreejoshes." "[ laughter ]" "That means you win $3 million." "oh,wow!" "plusyou'vegotthe" "Opportunity to go double or" "Nothing in our bonus round." "What do you say?" "well,I guessI'mona hot" "Streak." "Let's go" "Double or nothing." "fantastic." "Here to read the bonus clue is" "The man himself." "[ laughter ] what'smyname?" "oh,god,no ." "I wasn't paying attention" "Before." "[ laughter ]" "Josh?" "[ buzzer ] what'sthatname?" "all:" "Norman!" "normanthedoorman." "Rhymes, even." "yeah." "Right." "So easy." "well,jake,thatputsyou" "Back to zero." "That's our show." "But stay tuned for a new game" "Show called "what's in your" "Internet history?"" "Yikes!" "[ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ]" "♪" "♪ stumble out of bed" "And I stumbled in the kitchen" "Stumbled in the bathroom" "Stumbled in the living room ♪" "♪ stumbled out the door" "And past my car ♪" "♪ stumbling ♪" "♪ stumbled into work" "And I stumbled through" "The office ♪" "♪ stumbled in the gym" "And I stumbled" "Through my workout ♪" "♪ stumbled down the street" "And to a bar" "Stumbling ♪" "♪ stumble through the bar" "Past mario batali" "Stumble through a swirl" "Record sing song ♪" "♪ stumbled right in step" "With my good old friends" "It seems this stumble's" "Never gonna end ♪" "♪ stumble past a guy" "Putting on his first lipstick" "Stumble past a girl with a" "Fist full of bisquick ♪" "♪ stumble past three gents [ laughter ]" "Stumble past the elevator" "♪ stumble past the elevator" "Stumble past the elevator" "Stumble down a nasty" "Flight of stairs ♪" "♪ walking in slow motion" "Walking in slow motion" "Walking in slow motion tinyharmonicasolo." "♪" "♪ stumble" "Through a " "With a hobo acting regal ♪" "♪ past a bunch of mimes" "And a painter with an easel" "And a one man band ♪" "♪ playing checkers" "With a teacher" "That concludes our" "Stumbling adventure here ♪" "♪ stumbling ♪ [ cheers and applause ]" "hello,I 'mdianefoster," "Vice president of customer" "Relations at mastercard." "This week, supporters of the" "Wikileaks organization attacked" "Our website." "Assure our customers" "That we are doing -- helloagain." "It's me, julian assange." "I've taken over your airwaves" "From inside a british prison." "How did I get a camera into a" "British prison?" "Maybe you weren't listening." "I'm julian assange." "This Monday I was arrested," "Proving that for those who" "Terrorize the United States," "There is nowhere to hide." "America will find you and they" "Will punish you." "Unless, of course, your name is" "Osama bin laden." "I was not arrested for terrorism" "But rather to be questioned on" "Two rape charges." "It's long been interpol's job to" "Hunt down those accused of" "Sexual misdeeds." "Who can forget ben" "Roethlisberger, double standard," "Anyone?" "Yeah." "Now on to business." "If I'm not released immediately," "Supporters of the wikileaks are" "Prepared to attack the following" "Websites." "Amazon." "If I am falsely imprisoned one" "More day, anyone purchasing mark" "Twa" "Twain's new autobiography, must" "Instead send the book "everyone" "Poops."" "Awkward." "Orbitz." "Two more days, any holiday" "Flight will have a connection at" "The cleveland international" "Airport." "Also, all special requests will" "Be locked at middle seat kosher" "Meal." "[ laughter ]" "Day three." "Facebook." "You know that one profile" "Picture that makes you look" "Thin?" "It's gone." "On the fourth day, we will move" "On to the facebook game" "Farmville and leave it alone." "The people you barely remember" "From high school will continue" "To bother you with requests to" "Water their stupid crops." "Hooray." "Day five." "Netflix." "Have you seen the fourth season" "Of "hanging with mr." "Cooper"?" "You're about to." "[ laughter ]" "First on your queue." "Angry birds." "If I'm held for six days, the" "Birds in angry birds will no" "Longer be angry." "What are you playing?" "Good-natured birds." "How is it?" "It stinks." "And if I'm incarcerated for one" "Whole week, we start messing" "With porn sites, the free ones." "Ooh, got your attention now, do" "I?" "There you have it." "Hope to see you on the outside." "In conclusion, I want to remind" "You that no matter how I die," "Even if there's a suicide note," "It was murder." "It was murder." "Cheers." "you'rewatching" ""sexually speaking."" "With dr." "Linda marie choice." "Dr. Linda has been married seven" "Times and specializes in sexual" "And reproductive health." "And now, with her personal" "Approach to sexual issues," "Please welcome dr." "Linda marie" "Choice." "dr." "Linda'ssick." "I'm her producer, roger brush." "Dr. Linda's daughter called and" "Said she's got a stomach thing." "I don't want to get too graphic," "But she's got clear water coming" "Out of her butt." "[ laughter ]" "I said please don't come in." "I'll just take it from here." "Let's go to the audience." "thisispamelashimpley." "She has a question about her and" "Her husband's love-making." "hi,I havean issuewithmy" "Husband." "I love him so much, but he's," "Well, small." "youknow,Ican 'thearyou," "Honey." "Be loud." "hehasasmallpenis." "sayitagain." "hehasasmallpenis." "smallv-necks?" "[ laughter ]" "Can anybody hear?" "You know, you've got to eat that" "Microphone." "hispenis,it 'sthinlikea" "Chicken bone." "oh." "I see what you're saying." "How about this." "You know, when he does it, just" "Say, "ooh, ooh, baby, that's the" "Best I ever had."" "no,that'snotthe problem." "youknow,Idon 'tknowwhat" "To tell you, sweetheart." "I'm up here sweating," "Trying to help you out, and" "You're bad-mouthing your husband" "Behind his back." "no,I 'mnot." "He's right there." "[ laughter ] you'retheonewiththe" "Skinny ding-a-ling?" "I don't know what to tell you." "You know," "Soak it in saltwater and see if" "It pumps up." "I'm not the expert." "All right, who's next?" "thisistylerbands." "He has a really interesting" "Question." "mypartnerandIhave been" "Together for four years." "How do we keep our sex life" "Exciting?" "haveyoutriedticklingher?" "it'sa he." "it'sa what?" "it'sa he." "what?" "You know, I can't hear you." "It sounds like you said "it's a" "He."" "Idid." "Your girlfriend is a he?" "Ihaveaboyfriend." "well,howdidthathappen?" "whatshouldwe do ?" "Idon'tknow." "You know, just look at your" "Boyfriend and say, you and I" "Both know this is weird." "And, you know, close your eyes" "And do it and get it over with" "And hope for the best." "what?" "Where's dr." "Linda?" "She really helps people." "She tells them to touch each" "Other's faces and be honest with" "One another." "Stuff like that." "dr." "Lindais sicktoday." "youwantdr ." "Lindauphere" "Peeing out of her ass?" "I don't." "Let's get to the next person." "Who do we got?" "thisisjennalynnaustin." "She has a great question and she" "Needs your help." "yeah,myboyfriendseemsmore" "Concerned with his own needs in" "Bed than mine." "and?" "[ laughter ]" "What are you looking at?" "I said "and?"" "I don't see the problem." "Who's next?" "thisisstacyEngland." "hi." "I want to have sex with my" "Boyfriend, but he wants to wait." "whydoeshe wanttowait ?" "Lose some weight or something?" "Make him a meal and say I'm" "Sorry about my thighs, but this" "Is as good as it gets." "what?" "I'm not overweight." "Dr. Linda would never say that." "Iknow." "I know." "whyareyoutakingherside?" "I'm trying to help you out and" "You're being a real diva." "Listen, I've got problems of my" "Own." "My sister just asked me if she" "Could borrow $15,000." "I don't know that I have it." "I mean, I have it, but I want" "It." "Okay." "So who's next?" "noonewantstogo." "allright." "Good." "When we come back, nurse keller" "Shows us how to find the "g"" "Spot." "Oh, great." "♪ [ cheers and applause ]" "ladiesandgentlemen,paul" "Mccartney." "[ cheers and applause ]" "♪" "♪" "♪ jet" "Jet" "Jet" "I can almost remember ♪" "♪ their funny faces" "That time you told them" "That you were going to" "Be marrying soon ♪" "♪ and jet, I thought the" "Only lonely face" "Was on the moon jet ♪" "♪ jet" "Jet" "Was your father as old" "As the sergeant major ♪" "♪ well how come he told" "You that you're hardly" "Old enough yet" "And jet, I thought ♪" "♪ the major was" "A lady suffragette jet" "Jet ♪" "♪ ah mater, want jet" "To always love me" "Ah mater, want jet" "To always love me ♪" "♪ ah mater" "Much later ♪" "♪" "♪ jet ♪" "♪" "♪ and jet, I thought the" "Major was a" "Lady suffragette" "Jet ♪" "♪ jet" "Ah mater, want jet" "To always love me" "Ah mater, want jet ♪" "♪ to always love me" "Ah mater" "Much later ♪" "♪" "♪ jet" "With the wind in your hair" "Of a thousand laces" "Climb on the back and ♪" "♪ we'll go for a ride" "In the sky" "And jet, I thought that" "The major was a ♪" "♪ lady suffragette" "Jet" "Jet" "And jet, you know I ♪" "♪ thought you was a" "Lady suffragette" "Jet" "And a lady ♪" "♪ oh, yeah" "Yeah, yeah ♪" "Yeah, yeah ♪" "♪ [ cheers and applause ]" ""weekendupdate"with" "Seth meyers." "goodevening,I'msethmeyers" "And here are tonight's top" "Stories." "Many democrats were upset this" "Week with president obama," "Saying that he failed to" "Negotiate with the republicans" "On extending the bush-era tax" "Cuts." "And that he" "Caved in on raising taxes on the" "Rich." "Man, if other democrats think" "You caved, you really caved." "That's like the chess club" "President calling you a nerd." "whendemocratsthisweek" "Rejected obama's compromise" "Plan, the white house took a" "Page from the music industry, if" "You're not selling like you used" "To, break out the greatest hits." "wikileaks'founderjulian" "Assange was arrested on Monday," "And now all americans can sleep" "Easy knowing they have nothing" "More to fear from the bad man" "Who wanted them to read." "inaninterviewthisweek" "With barbara walters, oprah" "Winfrey denies she is a lesbian" "Saying, I'm not even kind of a" "Lesbian." "Said walters, "I haven't even" "Asked you a question yet."" "newjersey'sfirstbearhunt" "In five years started Monday." "So be on your guard, mob wives." "itwasreportedthata" "Number of professional athletes" "Are now seeking to copyright" "Their personal slogans including" "The new york jets' durrell" "Revis' revis island, strahan's" "Stomp you out, I love me some," "And brett favre's say hello to" "My little friend." "amanin kentuckyhas been" "Sentenced to 33 months in prison" "For threatening president obama" "In a poem called "the sniper."" "And I would guess that poetry is" "The absolute worst answer you" "Can give to the question, "what" "Are you in for?"" "acarcarryingprince" "Charles and his wife, camilla," "Was attacked Thursday in london" "By angry student protesters who" "Were upset over a hike in" "University tuition fees." "Anarles and" "Camilla were saying, it's time" "For a "weekend update audio" "Caption."" "And here to help me perform it," "Paul mccartney." "Welcome to "weekend update,"" "Paul." "Are you ready?" "Iam." "okay,soIwillbethevoice" "Of prince charles." "You will be camilla." "great." "okay." "And can you do an english" "Accent?" "Icantry." "okay." "andaction!" "oh,no!" "oh,goodnessme !" "oh,ne'erdo wells!" "ruffians!" "oh,camilla!" "oh,charles,do something!" "oh!" "No matter what happens, I love" "You camilla!" "andI loveyou!" "oh,I loveyou!" "Iloveyou!" "Iloveyou!" "Iloveyou!" "Iloveyou!" "andscene." "[ cheers and applause ]" "So how do you think that went?" "probablythebestthingI've" "Ever worked on." "paulmccartney,everyone!" "itwasannouncedthatafter 70 years, the syndicated" "Newspaper comic strip "brenda" "Star" will end." "Now they'll have room for the" "Edgy new strip "ziggy nights."" "anewreportsuggeststhat" "Men who grew up in the country" "Have larger penises than men who" "Grow up in the city." "I don't know if that's true, but" "I reckon it could be." "aethisweekcanceleddavid" "Hasselhoff's new series after" "Just two episodes." "It's hard to say how he'll take" "The news, but I'm going to" "Guess, lying down?" "it'schristmastimein new" "York, which means millions will" "Be heading to the city to" "Celebrate." "Here with tips on what new york" "Can offer is our correspondent," "Stefan." "stefan,howhaveyou been?" "thesame." "lotsofpeopleare heading" "Here for a great new york" "Christmas." "Do you have any tips on what" "They can see and do?" "yes." "If you're here from ohio or" "Whatever, look no further." "New york's hottest club is" "Ounce." "Located in the middle of the" "East river." "This place has everything." "Cholos, puke people, a sheepdog" "That looks like bruce valanche." "An entire room of puppets doing" "Karate." "I'msorry,whyare puppets" "Doing karate?" "becauseit'sthatthingwhen" "Someone calls miss piggy fat and" "She goes, hi-yah!" "stefan,whenIsaid,you" "Know, fun things for the" "Holidays, I meant things that" "Were a little more normal." "mm-hmm." "canyouthinkofanything" "That might be a little more sort" "Of like classic new york" "Holiday?" "yes,yes,yes." "If you want your christmas in" "New york to be classic, look no" "Further." "New york's hottest club is" "Oonce." "This lower, lower east side is" "The creation of club owner" "Tranderson cooper." "And it finally answers the" "Question, "do I have to?"" "Lll this place has everything." "Schizos, kite enthusiasts," "And that's not all." "Look who just came in." "It's blingo." "sorry,blingo?" "blackringo." "oh." "I don't know how to say this," "But I was brought up to respect" "People from all walks of life." "And I am glad that you have a" "World you feel comfortable in." "dungeonculture,yes." "butlook,buddy." "You know, I'm kind of an" "Old-fashioned guy, born and" "Raised in new hampshire." "sethmeyers." "Ijustwantedtohelp folks," "You know." "I wand th" "I want them to find some got," "Old-fashioned" "Christmas cheer." "Now, can you help us with that?" "yes." "okay,good." "ifyou'reoldorinto" "Fashion, I've got a place for" "You." "New york's hottest holiday club" "Is blitzen." "And right now they're having" "Their 12 days of christmas dance" "Party." "oh,12daysofchristmas." "That sounds nice." "becauseithaseverything." "♪ 12 jacked albinos, 10 pierce-eared babies" "9 asian balkis ♪" "♪ 8 gay aladdins 7 psychos swearting" "6 puerto rican screeches ♪ ofcourse." "We all knew that." "♪ 5 homeless elmos ♪ 4 coke coked-up frogs" "3 french hens" "Taylor negron" "And a human parking cone ♪ soliaiiton me ,my man." "What's your question?" "thequestionwaswhat'sa" "Human parking cone?" "yes,it'sthatthingofwhen" "When two jacked midgets paint" "Themselves orange and you have" "To parallel park between them." "[ laughter and applause ] oh,thatthing." "It's that thing." "That's the thing it is." "Stefan, don't you ever just want" "To have a normal christmas?" "well,I wouldbutnooneever" "Invited stefon to normal" "Christmas!" "aw." "well,stefon,wouldyou" "Like to come to new hampshire" "With me?" "heaskedme !" "stefon,everybody." "imontop!" "for" weekendupdate,"I'm" "Seth meyers." "anewyorkcitymarketing" "Group is trying to rebrand the" "Area of manhattan below canal" "Street as can-do which would be" "An improvement from its current" "Nickname, fish stink murder" "Town." "awomanin Englandcalled" "Police this week to report that" "Her snowman had been stolen from" "Her front yard." "Oh, sure, the police are happy" "To get involved when a white" "Person goes missing." "a2-year-oldgirlin" "Pennsylvania had to be rescued" "By firefighters after she" "Crawled inside a toy crane" "Vending machine in a mall and" "Became stuck." "They were able to get her out" "Safely, but it took, like, $9 in" "Quarters." "for" weekendupdate,"I'm" "Seth meyers." "Good night!" "thankyou." "And welcome, everyone, to our" "First booker t." "High school end" "Of the year holiday jam." "I think as rudolph says, this is" "Going to be off the hook." "So, uh, that's " " I'm" "Mr. Griggs, the math teacher and" "Holiday jam coordinator." "We've got lots of fun activities" "For you here in the gym like pop" "A shot, dodge ball and a holiday" "Dance party in our library" "Annex." "I don't think many of you" "Celebrate hanukkah, but if you" "Do, we've got the rapping rabbi" "Dr. Dreidel stopping by." "And if you celebrate kwanzaa," "I've read several books on that." "And I still don't know what it" "Is." "Oh, it looks like we have a" "Quick message from our" "Principal, daniel frey." "[ heavy breathing ] attention,teachersand" "Students." "We have a problem" "In our cafeteria." "You know, running around in the" "Lunchroom." "Apparently made a big mess" "From b hall to d hall." "Please, pick up your babies." "This is a high school, not a day" "Care center." "Thank you teachers and students" "For your time" "For that very important" "Announcement." "[ laughter and applause ] okay." "I just want to remind everyone" "That we still have a few holiday" "Cookies left." "Unfortunately, someone set the" "Cafeteria holiday display on" "Fire, and we had to put it out" "With a ho, ho, hose." "That's a little joke." "But seriously, our cafeteria was" "On fire." "Oh, here's principal frey." "[ heavy breathing ] attention,teachersand" "Students." "I have another important" "Announcement to make." "It has come to my attention" "That the costumes that were" "Rented for last night's holiday" "Show are infected with scabies." "If you are an elf and you are" "Itchy, please report to the" "Nurse." "Several elves have been taken" "To the hospital." "Let us have a moment of silence" "For the flesh of the infected." "[ light laughter ] okay." "A moment of silence, everyone." "[ heavy breathing ] lordjesus." "[ heavy breathing ]" "I don't know, baby." "I don't know." "Thank you very much for holding" "For that important announcement." "Continue playing." "okay." "We've had some setbacks here," "But I know we can do this." "And I'm here to just give you a" "Boost of self-esteem." "Or in this case, elf-esteem." "Oh, here's our gym teacher" "Mr. King." "hey." "Hey!" "Shut up!" "Shut the hell up!" "This white man has been working" "For months to put this thing" "Together." "And this is what you do?" "don'tworry." "no,no!" "This white man put this silly" "Little carnival together for" "You." "You should give him some" "Respect." "Now shut the hell up and have" "Some fun." "[ laughter and applause ] thankyou." "Thank you, mr." "King." "I appreciate that." "Oh, here's principal frey." "attention,allteachersand" "Students." "We've had an unfortunate" "Incident to our mascot the" "Booker t." "Trojan horse." "Apparently one of you jive tom" "Turkeys thought it'd" "Be funny to feed it a bucket of" "Dr. Pepper in several viagra" "Tablets." "The horse is currently in the" "Parking lot trying to fornicate" "With a nissan centra." "And ms." "Williams is trapped" "Inside." "We have called in a special" "Veterinarian." "Who is familiar with horse" "Erections?" "Let us please have a moment of" "Silence for ms." "Williams for a" "Safe tactical escape." "[ heavy breathing ]" "Oh, my lord jesus." "[ heavy breathing ]" "She's gonna get raped by a" "Horse." "I've seen a lot of people down" "Like that." "Oh, jesus." "Oh, lord bless the horny pony." "Thank you." "Thank you for holding for that" "Important moment of silence." "And bless the horny pony once" "Again." "She's going to be killed." "He's going to break the" "Windshield with his thing." "I know he is." "Oh, lord jesus." "[ cheers and applause ]" "thisholidayseasonat" "Madison square garden, there's" "Only one show, one skater that" "Families everywhere are flocking" "To see." "[ cheers ]" "Meryl streep on ice." "stopit!" "shemasteredthestage,the" "Screen, and now meryl streep" "Takes to the rink." "likeit'sanything." "I'm just having fun." "I skated twice in my life!" "itwasunbelievable." "betterthan"sophie's" "Choice."" "allofasuddenshewasout" "There." "I didn't even know she could" "Skate." "I don't know why I'm getting" "Emotional." "[ chanting ] meryl!" "Meryl!" "Meryl!" "Meryl!" "sorry." "umm- -thebitchcan skate." "[ laughter ] it'smerylstreeplikeyou've" "Never seen her before." "Ijustgetontheiceandgo!" ""merylstreepon ice."" "Choreography by nancy meyers." "all:" "Welovemeryl!" "[ applause ]" "onceagain,paulmccartney." "[ cheers and applause ]" "♪" "♪" "♪ stuck inside these" "Four walls" "Sent inside forever" "Never seeing no one ♪" "♪ nice again like you" "Mama you" "♪" "♪" "♪ if I ever get" "Out of here" "Thought of giving" "It all away ♪" "♪ to a registered charity" "All I need is a pint a day" "If I ever get out of here" "If we ever get out of here ♪" "♪" "♪ well, the rain exploded" "With a mighty crash" "As we fell into the sun" "And the first one said ♪" "♪ to the second one there" "I hope you're having fun" "Band on the run" "♪ and the jailer man" "And sailor sam" "Were searching everyone" "For the band on the run ♪" "♪ for the band on the run" "Band on the run" "Band on the run" "Well, the undertaker ♪" "♪ drew a heavy sigh" "Seeing no one else had come" "And a bell was ringing" "In the village square ♪" "♪ for the rabbits on the run" "Band on the run" "Band on the run" "And the jailer man ♪" "♪ and sailor sam" "Were searching everyone" "For the band on the run" "Band on the run ♪" "♪" "♪ band on the run" "Band on the run" "Band on the run, yeah" "The band on the run ♪" "♪ well, the night was" "Falling as the desert world" "Began to settle down" "In the town they're ♪" "♪ searching for" "You everywhere" "But we never will be found" "Oh, no ♪" "♪ band on the run" "Band on the run" "And the county judge" "Who held a grudge ♪" "♪ will search for evermore" "For the band on the run" "For the band on the run" "Band on the run ♪" "♪ band on the run ♪ [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ]" "Hey, mike underball." "I'm the director." "reallyniceto meetyou ,mr." "Underball." "mr." "Underballwasmydad." "Call me mike." "So glad you're doing this" "Benefit show." "Broadway cares is an amazing" "Cause." "I'mhappyto help." "youknowhowitworks." "Everyone's performing their" "Favorite songs from a broadway" "Musical." "You're doing "willkommen"?" "theemcee." "I do have one question." "Is it possible for me to do it" "In the spotlight?" "jeff,we'regoingtoneed a" "Spotlight on this one." "Is that okay?" "youreallywantmyopinion?" "let'sjustdo it ,buddy." "Okay." "Here we go." "Music!" "♪ willkommen ♪" "♪ bienvenu ♪" "♪ stranger ♪ canwestopfor asecond?" "jeff,you'vegottofollow" "Him." "sorryaboutthat." "My mind must be elsewhere." "I saw "tangled" again this week." "I'm still thinking through it." "Seems like an animated" "Inception." "noproblem,jeff." "You're the best." "whenI movefrommyfirst" "Position, just follow me." "Otherwise people won't be able" "To see me." "oh,isthathow lightworks?" "yes." "no,mike,thisisgreat." "I love this." "This is great." "Thomas edison is telling us how" "Light works." "justfollowhimwiththe" "Spot." "you'retheboss." "Ididn'tupsethim ,did I?" "he'sfine." "From the top." "♪ willkommen ♪" "♪ bienvenue" "Welcome" "Fremde" "Etranger ♪" "♪ stranger ♪ [ muttering ]" "I'msorry,stop." "Could we stop, stop, please," "Please." "what'sgoingon ,paul?" "he'smovingthespotall" "Around." "It's ridiculous." "heymike,youknowwhat 's" "Ridiculous?" "Paul rudd playing the emcee from" ""cabaret."" "yeah!" "I'mserious." "I thought emcee" "Stood for master of ceremony," "Not mediocre caca." "cacaiswitha"k , "jeff." "no,no." "Caca is spelled with an "r."" "R-u-d-d." "that'sfunny." "That's your last name." "I know." "you'regoingto runintojoel" "Gray at the gym and he's going" "To hop up on a box and punch you" "In the nuts." "yes!" "If you're going to go there," "Please keep it out of the" "Gutter." "ifyou'regoingtogothere ?" "bethechangeyou wanttosee" "In the world." "thinkgandhi." "yougotit ,buddy." "I'll humor him." "Nice catch." "You're right, I slipped." "allright." "Here, you know what?" "I'm going to make it easy." "I'm not going to move." "I'm going to stay put." "yeah,youshouldhavestayed" "At home." "[ laughter ] music." "♪" "♪ willkommen" "Bienvenue" "Welcome" "Fremde ♪" "♪ etranger stranger ♪" "Oh, come on." "Look at this." "jeff,whatarewethinking" "Here?" "youknow," "I thought I'd draw attention to" "The guy's crotch because he's" "Singing like such a big pussy." "yeah." "I'moutof here." "nowwhatarewegoingtodo?" "I'llshowyouwhatwe're" "Going to do." "Hit me with that spotlight!" "♪" "♪ willkommen" "Bienvenue" "Welcome" "Fremde ♪" "onceagain,paulmccartney." "[ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ]" "♪ [ cheers and applause ]" "♪ I read the news today" "Oh, boy" "About a lucky man" "Who made the grade ♪" "♪ and though the news" "Was rather sad" "Well I just had to laugh" "I saw the photograph ♪" "♪ he blew his mind out" "In a car" "He didn't notice that" "The lights had changed ♪" "♪ a crowd of people" "Stood and stared" "They'd seen his face before" "Nobody was really sure ♪" "♪ if he was from" "The house of lords" "I saw a film today" "Oh, boy ♪" "♪ the english army" "Had just won the war" "A crowd of people turned away" "But I just had to look ♪" "♪ having read the book" "I'd love to turn you" "On ♪" "♪" "♪" "♪ woke up, fell out of bed" "Dragged a comb across my head" "Found my way downstairs" "And drank a cup ♪" "♪ and looking up" "I noticed I was late" "Found my coat" "And grabbed my hat ♪" "♪ made the bus in seconds flat" "Found my way upstairs" "And had a smoke" "And somebody spoke ♪" "♪ and I went into a dream ♪" "♪" "♪" "♪ all we are saying" "Is give peace a chance" "All we are saying" "Is give peace a chance ♪" "♪ everybody's talking" "About it ♪" "♪ all we are saying" "Is give peace a chance" "All we are saying" "Is give peace a chance ♪" "♪ all we are saying" "Is give peace a chance" "♪ everybody sing it ♪" "All we are saying" "Is give peace a chance ♪" "♪give peace a chance" "♪ all over the world ♪" "♪ all we are saying" "Is give peace a chance" "All we are saying" "Is give peace a chance ♪" "♪ give peace give peace" "♪ all we are saying" "Is give peace a chance ♪ [ cheers and applause ]" "well,thiswon'tbetopped." "Thank you so much." "Thank you very much to the cast," "The crew and paul mccartney." "[ cheers and applause ] onemore?" "One more?" "[ cheers and applause ]" "♪" "♪" "♪ get back ♪" "♪ get back ♪" "♪ get back to where you once" "Belonged ♪" "♪ get back ♪" "♪ get back ♪" "♪ get back to where you once" "Belonged ♪" "♪ get back ♪" "Captions paid for by nbc-universal television" "♪ get back ♪" "♪ get back ♪" "♪ get back to where you once" "Belonged ♪" "♪ get back ♪" "♪ get back ♪" "♪ get back to where you once" "Belonged ♪" "Belonged ♪ ♪ oh get back ♪" "♪ get back ♪"