"SouthParkNews.net La Fabrique Hey, everybody!" "How's it going? I just can't seem to stop." "You goin' swimming?" "Don't forget to bring a towel! Get out of my face!" "Get out of here! My name is Towelie." "T-o-w-e-l... y-e-y." "I'm great at cleaning up spills." "And I'm 100% machine washable." "I'm just an ordinary towel in a lot of ways." "Except for one." "I'm addicted to marijuana." "And crystal meth." "And crack." "Anybody want their dick sucked?" "Does anybody want their dick sucked by a towel?" "Towelie has become a complete nightmare in our town." "He's broken into my house twice and stolen my allowance." "I've got almost nothing left." "If we're playing outside, he shows up completely wasted and screaming the government is after him." "I just don't want to watch him kill himself!" "I don't even know who he is anymore!" "There's is no doubt in my mind that if we don't get Towelie help, our entire summer is gonna be ruined." "Oh boy!" "It's our favorite time of year!" "We get to see all our old friends again." "There's Francis!" "Hey, Francis!" "Look at Lenora, everyone." "Good job!" "Come on." "Good job, Lenora!" "All right, good." "Let's get Lenora a towel." "C'mon, where's the towel?" "The towel isn't here." "I think it's off getting high again." "Where's that towel?" "Just a sec!" "We got Towelie a job, so he could try and pays us back." "Stupid towel." "What's going on, towel?" "Just had to take a piss." "Sorry." "We got wet campers down there." "Move your ass!" "When Towelie is doing heroin, he doesn't care about anything." "I don't care about anything." "Stupid handicap camp." "All right, blue team." "As team captain," "I need to make sure we're ready for the big camp competition." "We're weady!" "We can weawy stick it to wed team this yew!" "No way red team can beat us." "Red team won't know what hit them." "All right." "Everyone together!" "Are we gonna beat red team this year?" "All right!" "I can't stand him, Mimsy." "That Jimmy kid makes my fucking skin crawl." "You've always hated him." "Ever since he whooped you at soifin' last summer camp." "He really took it to ya good." " Shut up, Mimsy." " Sorry, boss." "Listen to me." "There is no way that blue team will beat red team this year at camp." "You got that? What we need to do, is use a little brain power to make sure blue team can't compete." "Oh boy!" "We'll ruin blue team's chances?" "We'll break their legs?" "Shut up!" "Just do what I say and we can make sure" "Jimmy Valmer gets what's comin' to him." "There ya go." "All better now?" "Yes, thanks." "That's right, when you go swimmin', don't forget to bring a..." "Who hired that towel?" "It can barely walk, let alone dry somebody off." "You think you're better than me?" "You think you're fucking hot shit?" "When Towelie shoots heroin, he just gets angry at everybody." "You can all suck it!" "You're all a bunch of towels." "That's what you are!" "The thing is, Towelie was pretty happy before." "He had a girlfriend." "And she got pregnant and had a little Washcloth." "But Towelie just kept getting more and more high, and he got kicked out of the house." "Fuck you!" "Lemme talk to him." "Lemme talk to him, you bitch! I'm not high!" "I haven't been high since Wednesday." "It is Wednesday?" "All right, campers!" "Our first event is the big canoe race." "Oh boy, the canoe race!" "We gotta..." "we gotta beat the red team!" "I've got it." "I got a way to win the race and get rid of Jimmy for good." "Oh boy!" "What're we gonna do, boss?" "Simple." "We're gonna put a little surprise in the canoe." "What kind of a surprise?" "It's a snake!" "Not just any snake." "It's a black mamba." "Gee wiz, boss." "We'll kill all the blue team and Jimmy?" "You boys excited for the canoe race?" "Yes, counselor Steve." "I like duh fun canoe." "Canoes are fun, aren't they?" "Take the black mamba and put it in the canoe." "I'll go get our team ready." "All right, campers, are we ready?" "Good luck, Jimmy." "You too, Nathan." "You're gonna need it, you fucking asshole." "On your mark." "Get set." "Holy shit!" "What the hell did you do?" "You said ta put da black mamba in the canoe!" "Not in our canoe! We need a towel!" "Just a sec!" "Not just a sec." "We got a bunch of wet campers!" "What's going on? You owe me money, asshole!" "That's it." "We're done." "You are no longer employed here." "Please, sir." "We need a nice, clean towel here at summer camp." "We don't need a towel that shoots heroin and has sex for money!" "Some people are so picky about their towels." "Campers!" "Next event is the big scavenger hunt." "Blue team is gonna go first!" "I finally got it." "I got a way we can kill Jimmy and beat the blue team." "Oh boy!" "What're we gonna do?" "Simple." "We're going to get Jimmy killed by Native Americans." "Here take this." "It's a fake scavenger hunt map." "This map leads to the scavenger hunt?" "That map leads to the Indian reservation." "We switch this with blue team's scavenger hunting map, and they'll end up right on the Tardicaca Indian reservation." "Oh boy!" "We'll get Jimmy killed by Indians?" "Are you boys excited for the neat scavenger hunt?" "Yes, counselor Steve." "I like scavenger hunt." "All right." "Take this map to the reservation and you switch it with blue team's." "You got that?" "You switch the map." "Switch the map." "I got it." "Switch the map!" "Switch the map!" "How come we're scavenger hunting'?" "Because, stupid, now that we have blue team's map we can get their scavenger prize too." "Oh boy!" "This doesn't make sense." "Why would they make us go this far?" "We're handicapped." "Turn left at the..." "Wait." "Wait a minute." "What the... Fuck!" "This is the map to the Indian reservation!" "Sure it is!" "I told you to switch this with the map for blue team!" "You told me switch the map." "Switch the map." "So I switched it and I switched." "My name is Nathan." "I'm disabled." "Hey, everybody." "Let's all go to the office supply store! You must have one dusty computer." "Fuck you!" "It's not illegal, bitch." "I feel like I could conquer the world." "Towelie now inhales up to 2,000 cans of computer duster a day." "It's like I'm walkin' on sunshine!" "I really think this intervention is Towelie's last chance." "Towelie!" "Open the door!" "Go away." "I'm walkin' on sunshine!" "I gotta take you somewhere really important." "Just let me walk on the sunshine a little more." "All right." "In the surfing competition, the red team is up three points to two!" "And now, it's Jimmy Valmer's turn!" "Gee, I wish our team captain was as awesome as Jimmy!" "I finally got it." "I got a way we can get rid of Jimmy once and for all." "Oh boy!" "What'll we do to him?" "Simple." "We'll get Jimmy eaten by a shark." "Here, take this." "It's a shark mating whistle." "Okay, a shark mating whistle!" " We'll hit him over the head wid it?" " No, you moron." "You go under the water and blow that whistle." "You can attract sharks, right as Jimmy starts to surf." "I got it!" "I blow the whistle and make the shark come and bite Jimmy's legs off!" "Then he'll bleed ta deat!" "He's gonna bleed ta deat!" "Are you boys enjoying the fun beach?" "Yes, counselor Steve." "The beach is warm." "Gee, dat was a close one, huh?" "They almost hold me sayin' we was gonna kill Jimmy!" "Shut up!" "Just swim in the water where Jimmy is, then blow that whistle." "Oh boy!" "I dunno, Timmy." "Those waves are pretty big." "Don't worry, Jimmy can handle himself!" "Gonna catch a wave." "I got me a shark whistle!" "Oh boy, here it comes!" "Wait, look." "He's doing it!" "Oh boy!" "You didn't do what I told you!" "Whatdya mean?" "You said to swim and blow the whistle." "I swam in the water, so now I gonna blow the whistle." "You fucking idiot!" "You don't blow a shark mating whistle on dry land!" "You were supposed to blow it... Get this thing off me!" "Today is Towelie's intervention." "We have no idea how he's gonna react." "Come on, it's right over here." "What's going on?" "You wanna have a seat with your friends?" "What is everybody doing here?" "We've all just been talking." "What I'm hearing is a bunch of people who just love the heck out of ya." "They'll say what they wanna say, you'll say what you wanna say, and we're done." "Towelie, over the past couple years," "I have seen drug addiction affect you in the following ways..." "Jesus, man!" "Towelie, you need to let him finish." "You're not the towel you used to be." "Where as you used to be fluffy and absorbent, you now are crusty and unable to absorb the smallest amount of water." "Will you get help today?" "I don't get this." "Towelie, over the past few months," "I've watched you go from an ancillary character with amusing catch phrases to a dried-out spewge-rag covered in the jiz of a thousand older men." "Can we just end this?" "You have to let him finish." "If you refuse treatment, I won't give you more money or be your friend." "I will not help you kill yourself." "All right, Eric." "Do you want to go next?" "Kyle, I hate you so much." "You are a liar and a swindler who will do anything for money..." "We're here for Towelie, fat ass!" "I'm supposed to be allowed to finish, right?" "The Jews have been persecuted across the earth for good reason." "You are a race of beady-eyed thieves, who..." " This is serious, you fucking asshole!" " I'm being serious!" "We have to let people finish during interventions." "But he's just using his time on television to..." "Please, it is not your turn." "You are a race of beady-eyed thieves, who throughout the millennia, have worked your way into the dark cubbyholes of society." "Where did the Jews first get their power and how are they able to manipulate our minds today?" "My God! It's a snap at Tardicaca Camp to learn to do the hula hula dance" "I fell in love with a Tardicaca dove while doin' that funny funny dance" "And that poor little kid..." "Get ready." "Blue team is about to go boom." "So I made up my mind that I've just got to find the Tardicaca girl I did adore" "A little Tardicaca" "She's a candy cane to wiggle" "She's sure to make you giggle" "With her naughty little wiggle I know some day" "I'm gonna try to make that Tardicaca gally mine gally mine 'cause all the while I'm dreamin' of her" "My Tardicaca Hula Gal" "Sorry." "That's not right." "Hang on." "I don't tink he's playin' da right note." "The C4 ain't gonna go off!" "Shut up!" "If in fact the Jews truly are shapeshifters, and I believe I have presented enough evidence to prove it, we must unite as a species to fight them and stop their plan of global domination and the control of our freedom." "You want to go next?" "Towelie, if you do not go to treatment, we will all ignore you forever." "Will you go?" "What treatment?" "What are you all talking about?" "If you say yes, we leave here, pack your things, get on a plane, go to a facility in Southern California that's all set up." "Fuck, no!" "I'm not getting on a fucking plane!" "This is bullshit!" "Don't give me fucking ultimatums!" "I thought you were my fucking friends!" "Your friends don't want to watch you kill yourself anymore." "Then fuck them!" "You're telling me I have to do this..." "I'm not left with any decisions!" "Towelie!" "We aren't the only ones who've been hurt by you!" "Who are you talking about?" "Washcloth?" "You brought Washcloth?" "That's low!" "Out on the beach with my dear little peach where the waves rolling in so high" "Dammit! Go demand the ukulele solo." "It's our only chance!" "Okay!" "If you get in a pinch go through it's a cinch" "We want the ukulele solo!" "We want da ukulele solo!" "Sorry, I just can't remember it." "We wants ya to play it, don't we?" "All right, maybe you can show me how it's done." "It's real easy." "You just play like dis!" "You idiot!" "What are you doing?" "I was gonna show him how ta play the solo." "That does it." "I'm sick and tired of your stupidity!" "You are the biggest idiot I have ever met." "And from now on, if I wanna do something," "I'm gonna do it myself! Not the shark again!" "Washcloth!" "I'm so sorry!" "He needs you to get better, please!" "You got so many people that just love the heck out of ya." "All right!" "I'll go!" "You will?" "I don't want to hurt Washcloth anymore!" "He's going, everybody!" "Come on!" "Hugs!" "Poor wed team." "Their Captain weawy got waped." "I never seen a kid get screwed by a shark before." "I hope I never see it again." "Nathan, your team put up an amazing fight." "Even though I was crowned king of the camp," "I want you to know that you were the real champ." "I hate you." "I fucking hate you with everything in my entire being." "You sure got it stuck it to ya this year!" "Shut up..." " Hi, Towelie?" " Yeah, hi." "Towelie is definitely one of the most addicted towels we've ever seen here." "He's the second most psychologically damaged towel I've come across since treating Kirstie Alley's towel, which had seen... some nasty stuff." "I don't know what tomorrow's gonna bring." "But I'm learning to love what I am." "I'm a towel."