"ripped by antsh" "This is a 1970 Dodge Challenger T/A." "340 Six-Pack, 340 V8 Hemi." "Oh, baby." "This was the pony car of dreams in the 70s because of Barry Newman andVanishing Point." "VANISHING POINT" "Hello?" "Hey." "Hey." "What are you doing?" "Not much." "You got something in mind?" "Yeah, let's do something." "Coffee?" "I like coffee." "I like coffee." "That's two in for coffee." "Okay, I'll swing by." "All right, cool." "I'm Jerry Seinfeld and this is Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee." "Hi, how you doing?" "Today my guest is Brian Regan." "BRIAN REGAN" "He's one of my favorite stand-up comedians, a good friend and just a straight-up goofball." "That's the kind of guy I like to hang with." "I bought these shoes yesterday." "Did you think:" ""I wanna look like a tenth grader"?" "I don't think about a whole lot, Jerry." "Oh, no." "Hang on." "Don't go anywhere until this is buckled." "Can you imagine that on a first date?" "Hang on a second." "What's your name again?" "Vivian." "Hang on, Vivian." "How long have you been coloring hair?" "Are you in the mood for coffee?" "Sure." "I love coffee." "Great." "Don't you think comedians are kind of smart idiots?" "I often wonder, like-- Because I can do some stuff." "But I don't think I know enough to really do anything other than be a comedian." "I can do almost anything." "Throw that into the first date." ""All right, Vivian, now that I've got my seatbelt buckled let me get right into me." "I can do anything."" "One of the reasons I got into comedy was because of the hours." "My nickname in college was "Rip" for Rip Van Winkle." "Because I didn't know how to wake up." "Right." "So you're allowed three cuts." "I took all of them the first week." "Monday, Wednesday, Friday, they were gone." "I remember thinking:" ""If this is what the world is where you gotta get up and go to a job, I don't know what to do."" "And then a comedian performed at our college and his show started at 8 p.m." "I remember sitting in the audience going:" ""If I just have to get up before 8p.m.--"" "I think I can make it on time." ""I think I can do that."" "My mom and dad have eight kids, four occupations." "Two comedians, two firefighters, two school teachers, two salesmen." "Everybody found a sibling and said, "I'm going with you."" ""You got an idea, that's good enough for me."" "And I told one of my brothers that and he goes, "I didn't even think of that."" "How can you not have noticed that?" "Los Angeles City Limit" "This is awesome." "Beautiful, man." "So far, this is a great date." "This is beautiful." "If you were a pretty girl, I think I'd be doing pretty well so far." "A nice car, beautiful day, I take you to nice places." "You can do anything." "Yeah, there he is." "That's a goddamn seal." "We had the same bit-- The lines are so close and it's a bit about people saying:" ""They could put a man on the moon I can't believe I can't get a coffeemaker to make a decent cup of coffee."" "Right." "Mine was: "If they hadn't landed a man on the moon, it would be much more helpful."" "People go, "My coffee machine doesn't work but I'm not surprised." "They couldn't put a man on the moon either."" "And then I used to do: "Well, what did they say before they put a man on the moon?" "They could put a monkey into orbit, but they can't make a decent lava lamp!"" "Is that what you did?" "Those were your two examples?" "The monkey and the lava lamp?" "Those are great." "I love that because nobody ever complained about a lava lamp." "Nobody." "A guy like this is not the kind of guy that would even get a lava lamp." ""I got a goddamn lava lamp!"" "You know why I'm not worried?" "Why?" "Because you can do anything." "That was weird when it wouldn't start." "Yeah." "It's like in monster movies, you know?" "You see the big, furry thing coming." "Rae's Restaurant" "How hungry are you?" "I'm more for coffee." "Might have a Danish." "I'll have coffee and a small orange juice." "And just black coffee." "Thank you." "You ever say the wrong city on stage?" "It's a mistake you don't want to make." "It's worse in rock-n-roll, don't you think?" "Because they say it with such vehemence." ""What's up, Rochester?" "!"" "And then it just shuts everything...." ""I mean...."" "How's everything so far?" "Great." "We're good, thank you." "Thank you." "That's the fastest hot coffee I've ever-- I mean..." "...it's steaming and to the brim." "If you can fit more...." "Whenever you get up in a restaurant and you're wandering around you're only looking for one thing." "And yet they still make you go through:" ""Are you looking for the bathroom?"" "You should, like, throw it back at them." "They go, "Are you looking for the restroom?"" "And you go, "I'm looking for your corkscrews."" "I was on a cross-country flight one time." "Six times I had to go." "And then you just feel everybody:" ""What the hell's the matter with this guy?"" "And there's no way to hide." "You can't be discreet." ""Guess where I'm going?" "I'm going to get a corkscrew."" "This reminds me of when you have a problem with the little handle thing on the thing." "And you have to jiggle it." "It's always awkward when you have to tell your guests that." "When they excuse themselves and you have to say, "Jiggle the handle."" "And I always wonder what is the highest echelon that that has ever been expressed?" "Like, "Excuse me, Queen Elizabeth?" "You're gonna need to jiggle the handle."" ""If you're gonna go to that bathroom--" -"You're gonna need--"" ""To give it a little--" -"Jiggle."" "How high has it gone?" "How high has it gone?" "A baron?" "Has a baron ever said to an earl:" ""You'll need to jiggle the handle."" "Excellency." "Thank you, Your Excellency." "That's funny." "Really weird." "Pink looks good on you." "Thank you." "Sweet." "That was a great delivery." "It was like at a casting." "Like, that was perfect character..." "...perfect timing." "Perfect delivery, perfect timing." "It was fantastic." "Fantastic." "My last regular job was at a toy store." "Right?" "Unloading the trucks when they come and putting bicycles together." "So another guy who worked there said, "Hey, I got a little place we can hide where nobody can see we're not working." I follow him." "We go behind this big rack of bikes on the wall and there's a hole in the drywall." "So he goes, "Come on." So we crawl through this hole." "LikeAlice in Wonderlandkind of thing." "And we're now between the wall to the store and the wall to the back room." "And he's shuffling sideways and he's standing like this." "And I'm next to him and he's like, "Isn't this great?"" "And I'm like, "I think I'd rather be working."" "You want to get to the essence of it with a tweezer of laziness." "That's it." "All human endeavor is killing time." "All of it." "I wouldn't want to be in a plane and have the pilot get on the thing and go:" ""We're all just killing time."" "You ever hear of the thing called "the Convincer"?" "No." "It was when people weren't wearing seatbelts." "They were trying to get people to wear seatbelts." "And it was just, like, a shell of a car on a decline." "They would let it go and it would go down 10 feet and just stop." "They would show what it was like without a seatbelt and what it was like with." "You'd do it both ways and go, "Seatbelt's definitely better."" "They needed to convince people and it was called "the Convincer"..." "...which is a perfect name." "It's a great name for a Spider-Man villain." "His only power is he wins every argument." "No matter" "No matter how outrageous" "No matter how stupid his point of view is, you go:" ""You know what?" "I think you convinced me."" ""You wore me down--" -"I see your point."" "And he's got like a weird cackle." ""The Convincer strikes again!"" "It would be hard to be in a relationship with the Convincer." "Yeah." "Well, that's what a pimp is, isn't it?" "That's right." "I mean, how else could he possibly be talking these women into doing what they're doing?" "If you wrote down what they had to do on a chalkboard, they'd go" ""I see what you want me to do, but, I mean...." "And I give you the money?"" ""I do all" " And you...." -"I do all of that and you...."" ""Can I think about it?" -"I don't know." "I'm just not convinced."" "What would that have done?" "If I'm in reverse, that lights up." "To let you know you're going in reverse?" "That's right." "That's correct." "I don't get that." "All right." "Perhaps you'll need some convincing." "You want a donut?" "I would love a donut." "Me too." "Wanna go to Yum Yum Donuts?" "Let's do it."