"ANDREW:" "For a gentleman, having a roommate presents its own unique set of challenges." "Bert, come on." "You've been in the shower 20 minutes." "You better not be using my leave-in conditioner." "Dude." "Relax." "I don't even use conditioner." "I use one bar of soap for everything" "Hair, body, dishes." "By the way, we're out of soap." "Wait, wait, wait." "If you're not in the shower, who is?" "Girl I met in a bar." "Her name's Candice." "She's an astronaut." "Or an artist." "Something that starts with an "A."" "I'll see you." "Uh, hold on." "Aren't you forgetting something?" "Oh, right." "Thank you for breakfast." "No, not that." "You're welcome." "You're just going to leave Candice here?" "She'll find her way out." "She's a smart girl." "You got to be smart to be an astronaut." "Or an artist." "Hang on." "You just moved in, so we need to establish some ground rules." "First off, you do not have sex with a woman and then leave me here to deal with her." "Dude, ignore her." "She'll realize it was a fling, and she'll leave." "You should at least offer her breakfast." "I mean, it is just common decency." "Look, you hired me to be your life coach." "Today's lesson" " You treat a fling like a Band-Aid." "Nobody gets hurt if you rip it off quick." "Ly." "Who?" "Quickly." "You said quick." "Not important." "The shower's off." "I got to go." "Wait, Bert." "You are putting me in a very awkward position here." "What am I supposed to say to this woman?" "Nothing." "Don't talk to her." "This way it won't become awkward." "Ly." "I'll see you." "(door closes)" "Bert?" "Oh." "Hi." "I'm Candice." "ANDREW:" "Don't talk to her." "Don't talk to her." "Don't talk to her." "So, I guess I'll just let myself out?" "Smells good." "I'm Andrew." "Bert had to go." "May I offer you some breakfast?" "ANDREW:" "Hey, Bert." "You remember my mom, my sister Janet and her husband, Mike?" "Yeah, of course I do." "Wait a second." "Which one's your sister?" "Oh, I love when he does that." "I do not." "So the family saw the great work you've done with Andrew." "Really shredding him up." "Now they all want to join the gym." "Bert, I want you to consider my body yours." "Thanks, Andrew's mom." "Ah, Janet, look." "He's put in a new rock wall." "Reminds me of back home in New Zealand." "A lot of gyms there with rock walls." "Mm." "Come on, let's climb it!" "So Diane, what are your workout goals?" "To meet a man." "I'll just put down "other."" "Mom, you told me you wanted to tone your thighs." "And then I said you had nice thighs." "Then we drove the rest of the way in silence." "Well, honey, you need the thighs to get the guys." "You see, my best friend in the whole world" "Barbara Harris, fantastic woman, big drinker" "She met a man at her gym, so, you know, I figure I might as well give it a shot, as well." "Well, you came to the right place, 'cause we got a lot of nice, single guys your age." "In their late..." "Mid... early..." "You know what, Diane?" "Why don't you just put the pearls in a locker, and we'll get started?" "(sniffing)" "What are you doing?" "What is that?" "I smell rose petal, lavender with a hint of vanilla." "Were you with a girl today?" "You can smell a girl?" "What are you, a werewolf?" "I wish." "It's just one of those skills I developed during an ill-fated stint at Bath and Body Works." "So, who's the girl?" "Actually, it was Candice." "Candice?" "My fling Candice?" "Did you talk to her?" "You left me no choice!" "Besides, what's the big deal?" "I just whipped her up a little breakfast." "Tell me you didn't make her the cappuccino with the picture of the tree in the foam." "It's not breakfast without the breakfast tree!" "Besides, I was just being nice." "You don't feed a fling!" "Now she's gonna come back!" "She is not a stray cat." "All you did was make her breakfast, we may be safe." "I also took her to a museum." "We may have to move." "There you go, Janet." "Looking good." "Graceful." "You're like a lizard." "JANET:" "Okay, what do I do here?" "Well, you've climbed yourself into a bit of a spot." "Now your only way out is really to stretch your right foot across to that tiny nub." "Or you could reach up and grab the illuminated exit sign." "Hey." "(groans)" "(groaning)" "(knocking)" "Candice!" "Hey, you came back." "Why?" "I wanted to say thank you for today, so I got you a book on America's love affair with neckties." "Although, you probably already have it." "Not in paperback." "I had fun, too." "Can I borrow your phone?" "Mine died." "Actually, I think Bert left the phone in his room, which is right over..." "Oh, well, you know where it is, 'cause you two..." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Hey, man." "(sniffing)" "You've got to be kidding me." "It's not a big deal." "She just came back to thank me." "She brought me this book." "She was a fling." "She was supposed to leave, but now because of you, she's back, which means now I have to talk to her." "So, what's wrong with talking to her?" "Because talking leads to more talking, which is a slippery slope to listening." "And before you know it," "I'm in a relationship, and it's not my thing." "Why not?" "I mean, she's a really smart, cool girl." "She is kind of a great catch." "Maybe for you, but I'm more into catch and release." "(water running)" "Good morning." "I thought you were in the shower." "No, that's Candice." "She spent the night last night." "Oh." "So, you talked it out like two adults?" "Oh, we talked it out, all right." "Twice last night and once this morning." "So what happened?" "Well, it's crazy." "She's not the kind of girl I usually hook up with." "She's classier." "Really?" "Classier than the girl who wrote her phone number in orange lipstick on our front door?" "Yeah, and not by a little." "Candice seems like the kind of girl who'd want a relationship." "But it turns out, all she wants is meaningless sex." "That's weird." "She seemed much deeper than that." "I mean, we spent the day together, and all she wanted to do was go to museums and bookstores and talk about old movies." "We had sex in front of the mirror." "I'll see you later." "Oh, hey, Andrew." "Hey." "Oh, you know, there's a new, uh, Picasso exhibit downtown." "You want to go after work?" "Ah, I don't know." "I kind of find Picasso is... (laughing):" "Of course I want to go." "Yeah, I'll be there." "(screaming on TV)" "(gasps)" "Oh, my gosh, Bert." "We were just watching a really scary movie." "Oh!" "Sometimes a scary movie can be scary." "(door closes)" "What happened to your foot?" "Your equipment broke, and I fell off your climbing wall." "Here's the bill for my X-rays." "My equipment didn't break." "That's impossible." "Is it?" "I mean, what's impossible." "Well, ask the zoo in New Zealand." "They imported a koala, mated it with a wallaby." "Called it the koalaby." "Said it couldn't be done." "But it was a monster." "I think the message here is, don't play God." "There's no way that equipment failed." "That can hold 2,000 pounds." "That's 20 of you." "More like 18, but thank you." "Why don't we just have your insurance pay for it, and we'll just call it a day?" "Well, that would be a great idea if I had insurance." "I don't." "But what I do have is surveillance cameras." "Oh, come on!" "What-What sort of a guy has security cameras and doesn't have insurance?" "That's absolutely mental!" "Cameras came with the gym." "The insurance did not." "Let me get those tapes." "We're gonna find out exactly what happened." "Janet, before you see the tapes, there's something you should know, and you're not going to like it." "Did the harness give me a front butt?" "I told you to tell me." "No, not that." "So much." "This may come as a shock to you, but it wasn't the mechanism." "I accidentally let go of the rope." "Why didn't you tell me?" "Because there was a girl..." "prancing with her legs, and..." "I just..." "I looked away for a second." "I'm sorry, honey." "You should have just told me." "I don't care that you were looking at a girl." "You're the best wife ever!" "Why would I care anyway?" "I look at guys sometimes." "What the hell?" "!" "Bad news." "Cameras came with the gym." "Tapes did not." "Yeah." "Yes, Candice." "Look, but Robyn is a jealous person." "She's playing mind games with you, and..." "Oh, I got to go." "You're not fat." "Okay." "Bye." "Hey, Jerry." "Sorry." "Andrew, I'm your friend, but I'm also your boss." "So I guess it falls to me to remind you that personal calls on office time are against corporate... (laughs) I can't, I'm sorry." "I can't do it, okay?" "I can't get through it." "(chuckles)" "What do you want, Jerry?" "What do I always want?" "Lunch." "What do you say we get some lunch?" "We can go over your article about the etiquette of pillow talk, you know, just enough to get the magazine to pick up the tab." "Oh, I'd love to, but I got to take Candice's cat to the vet." "Ah, Candice, is that a, a girlfriend?" "It's a girl Bert's sleeping with." "Uh... so then why are you taking her cat to the vet?" "less of course that's a euphemism." "It's not." "Candice is someone I hang out with." "We're friends." "You know, we go to museums and movies, and sometimes I do errands for her." "And then Bert sleeps with her?" "Sometimes." "Often." "All the time, yeah, about 100%." "Wow, what a great deal." "Hey, can I be your roommate?" "What are you saying, Jerry?" "Well, it just seems like you and Bert are sharing a relationship, and he's getting the good part." "I mean, you're doing all the grunt work so he can... do the grunt work." "You and I have a problem." "We are sharing a relationship with Candice." "I do all the boyfriend-y stuff you won't do and then you come home and have sex with her." "I don't see the problem." "The problem is, she's the kind of girl" "I could see myself having a relationship with, except for one little thing." "Which is?" "You're sleeping with her... and I will never, ever date someone you've slept with." "(grunts)" "You might want to move out of Chicago." "I can't do this anymore." "I am done splitting this relationship." "So, what do I care?" "Uh, well, you're gonna care, okay, because the only reason you're getting what you want at night is 'cause I'm giving her what she needs in the day." "Are you kidding me?" "You're just a babysitter." "I don't need you." "Oh, yeah?" "Well, good luck having sex without me." "Hey, Mom." "Good morning." "Morning." "(door opens)" "Hey, Andrew, I was thinking we could..." "Oh, hey, Bert, I didn't realize you were still here." "Well, why wouldn't I be here?" "Because you're never here when I get out of the shower." "Well, I'm a little freaked out by the sound of a shower." "That's how my aunt killed herself." "Oh, my God." "No, I'm kidding." "That's not how she killed herself." "Well, I'd love to stick around for this badinage, but I have to go to work." "(door closes)" "So Andrew tells me you like food." "Uh, yeah, I guess so." "Prepare to be blown away." "Bam!" "Just as good as Andrew, right?" "You know, you don't have to compete with him." "You guys are totally different." "He's a gentleman and you're..." "Should we discuss this in my room?" "And you're that." "Anything you could do with Andrew you could do with me." "Like, what would you guys be doing right now?" "Normally we would just hang out and talk." "I feel like we kind of just did that, but okay." "(phone chimes)" "Oh, sorry, ah, it's Candice." "She won't stop texting me." "Is that the girl who isn't your girlfriend but seems like she is?" "Yes" " Well, I'm not hanging out with her anymore." "I haven't told her that." "I mean, what am I supposed to say?" ""I'm no longer interested in being your half boyfriend"?" "She's not gonna end this on her own." "She's got the best of both worlds" "The guy who loans her a sweater during the day and the guy who rips her pants off at night." "That's Bert." "Janet, could you please pass the chicken thighs, which I'm sure you've been eye-humping behind my back." "Okay, I know what you're doing." "I was not flirting with the chicken." "Trust me, when I flirt with the chicken, you'll know." "I'm guessing this is not about chicken." "No, Mike told me he looks at other women, and when I happened to mention that I occasionally notice other men, he completely freaked out." "It's called a double standard." "I'm a seven at best-- Six without the accent" "But you, you're the most beautiful, graceful woman in the world." "(snorts)" "Shut up, dumbass, I am beautiful and graceful." "You are, and I suppose I get jealous." "I feel like you could have any man you want." "Oh, are you kidding?" "Mike, you're like a 12 compared to some of the trolls she used to date." "What was the name of that guy who had the eczema on his lip?" "Hey, Crustache was a good guy." "He was better than that freak you dated with the umbrella." "That was a parasol, and she did not have pigment in her face." "I once dated a woman who had no lower lip." "It was difficult watching her eat soup." "Listen, I promise you don't have to worry." "I'm never gonna look at another guy again, and by the way," "I think you're a solid eight, even without the accent." "(in American accent):" "Well, I could lose the accent." "Yeah, don't do that." "Hey, buddy, you're up late." "Hey, can I, uh, get you some herbal tea or something?" "You can't handle the relationship stuff, can you?" "No, I need your help." "She's in there talking like crazy about how her friend Robyn is sick and Eric keeps calling her fat." "No, no, no," "Eric is her cat who is sick and Robyn is her best friend who makes herself feel better by putting Candice down." "It's a different kind of sick." "Hey, that's great stuff." "Don't waste that on me." "Go in there." "She misses you." "We both do." "Good night, Bert." "Wait, wait." "Look, look, you were right, you were right." "I can't handle this stuff." "She's a better girlfriend for you, so I'm gonna pass her off." "No, if you don't want to be with her anymore, break up with her." "I can't." "I don't like emotion." "I can tell she's a crier." "You should break up with her." "Why would I break up with her?" "Because this is all your fault." "I was training you, and you failed by taking her out." "Oh, is it my fault that you kept sleeping with her?" "I was trying to make it a teachable moment." "That is bull." "You're her boyfriend, you break up with her." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, maybe you're her boyfriend." "I mean, think about it." "I mean, what is a boyfriend?" "The guy who remembers her birthday and what college she went to, what her favorite flavor of ice cream is." "She doesn't eat ice cream;" "it makes her teeth cold." "See?" "Now get in there and break up with her." "My grandma just died." "Andrew wants to tell you something." ""We'll go to the wake, we'll be supportive."" "Why couldn't you just have told her?" "Why couldn't you have just kept it in your pants?" "So sorry for your loss." "Losing a loved one can be very difficult, but losing weight doesn't have to be." "I'm a personal trainer." "Mention this wake and I'll give you a bereavement discount." "Seriously, you're trying to sign up new clients?" "Hey, Nana's diabetes was a real wake-up call for some of these people." "All right, look, I have an idea." "Neither of us wants to have to break up with Candice, right?" "Correct, so you'll do it?" "No, here's my idea." "Robyn over there is her best friend." "Now, she'll be able to identify which one of us Candice considers her boyfriend." "Now, can we agree that whoever she names is the one who has to break up with her?" "Brilliant" " Now I see why you're the brains in this relationship." "Excuse me, Robyn," "I'm Bert and this is Andrew." "Look, we have a concern that involves Candice." "Is it her weight?" "Oh, my God, that is so Robyn." "Hey, can you tell us who her boyfriend is?" "Of course." "Great, who is he?" ""Boyfriend" is such an old-fashioned term." "Okay, but, if you had to use a term..." "Well, I don't feel like I have to." "Well, you kind of do." "Well, I don't feel comfortable..." "Robyn, will you stop being so Robyn right now and tell us who Candice's boyfriend is?" "Who the hell is Matthew?" "And why didn't he care enough to go to Nana's wake?" "I don't know, probably some bad boy." "She never mentioned a Matthew to me, and we had long conversations." "Yeah, me neither, and we had a ton of sex." "I feel like I've been used, I feel terrible." "I feel like I've been used." "I feel pretty good." "How do you do that?" "How do you not care?" "When I find the right girl, I'll care." "Right now I just want to have fun." "I wish I could just have fun." "I wish I wasn't so worried about doing the right thing all the time." "I'd like to be 50% more like you." "Hey, you have the ability to connect with women on a much deeper level than I do." "You experience real intimacy." "I'd like to be one percent more like you." "Cheers." "Cheers." "You know, as annoying as she was, that Robyn girl was pretty cute." "Who's Robyn?" "Okay, good night." "This is terrifying." "ANDREW:" "Jerry, you're fine." "All right, let's go, this isn't a 24-hour gym." "Get up that mountain." "All right, fine." "(panting)" "Oh, God, this harness is so tight." "What does my butt look like?" "Montana." "Go." "You're doing great, you're doing great." "Whoa." "Aah!" "I have got to get insurance."