"Did you know one of my ex-boyfriends died on Tuesday?" "I wish he was better in bed so this moment wasn't so awkward for you." "Hi." "Hi." "If you and your boyfriend wanna send each other saucy emails..." "Oh, no, he's not my boyfriend." "No, no, no!" "Davey!" "God, I haven't seen you in ages!" "Not since that..." "Well, at the party..." "There's a word for people like you where I'm from." "Oh, really?" "Yeah, it's 'fucking slut'." "Jesus!" "Two of them." "Two." "Are you sure you wanna do this?" "This is what people do after they've had a shock." "Listen, Lleyton..." "Can you please stop calling here?" "Was he there?" "Lleyton's dead." "Well, that's the thing about Mini Marts, though, isn't it- the representation of life, six aisles of chakra." "And the checkout point - just stay with me here - the checkout is Sahasrara!" "That's the chakra in the middle of your head." "It symbolises the detachment from illusion." "And that's why you take your keycard out and you pay at that particular point." "Drive-through, though, well, they're a whole different kettle of fish." "OK, thank you." "You can sit down now." "That was too over-the-top, wasn't it?" "It was fine, Dad." "It's just that I thought that's what a Hindu taxi driver from Croydon would say." "I know." "You can't ask me to pad out these groups and not expect me to inhabit the character." "Don't..." "Stop being oversensitive." "You've been eating factory farm meat, haven't you?" "Dad." "Your bowels are sluggish." "How would you know?" "Well, you can tell by looking at someone's eyeballs." "I saw it on the Katrina Warren show." "Katrina Warren's a vet." "Yeah." "Well, we're all members of the animal kingdom, though, aren't we, underneath it all?" "Sure." "Did you join that dating site that your mum sent you the link to?" "No." "Why not?" "There's no shame in it these days." "You know, that's where your Uncle Rod met Sandra there." "Sandra had a penis." "Yeah." "Well, that's not the site's fault, though, is it?" "They can't police everything." "Besides, those photos from the waist up, well, they hide all manner of sins." "I just can't go on dates right now." "it's complicated." "Haven't grown a penis, have you?" "Hey?" "You grown a penis?" "That's not funny." "No, it's not, is it?" "So how was the funeral?" "Oh, actually, it was horrible." "Yeah." "Well, those things are never a picnic." "No, no, it was awful." "Someone died." "Mmm." "No, someone died." "What, in addition to..." "Oh, God, that is awful." "Yeah, it was after the wake." "He was hit by a car." "Um, someone you were close to?" "Well, kind of, yeah." "Not really, though, you know." "I mean, I'm OK." "It was just a bit surreal." "Well, if it makes you feel any better, I haven't dobbed you in for downloading porno and crashing the entire office computer system." "He sounds nice." "He is nice." "That's the problem." "Look, I know three exes in one go is a bit weird." "A bit?" "I'm a doomsday cult." "You're acting like there's some sinister plot." "There is." "Just because a few old boyfriends..." "Well, I wouldn't call Davey a boyfriend." "I slept with him once at a party." "Up against a sink." "All of a sudden he's hit by a car." "Sucks to be him." "And then Lleyton, my first proper, proper, proper boyfriend, who I liked to hold hands with in food courts..." "Has an aneurysm." "Creepy." "It's just a rotten coincidence." "It is creepy." "I'm Tutankhamen" "You're like Tutankhamen?" "Yeah." "Anyone who... enters my tomb is doomed with an Egyptian curse." "Are you saying your tomb is your..." "Really?" "I have a crypt." "Do you mind?" "I don't really wanna see him right now." "He can understand hieroglyphics, though, if it helps the two of you communicate." "Well, he can draw snakes." "You're looking well." "Can we just do this?" "Yep, sure." "Yep." "Let me guess, she has chucked out my Nintendo." "Didn't want her Christmas sword." "So can I see her?" "I don't think that's a great idea." "Why not?" "Well, she's kind of emotional at the moment." "Spare me." "She's not ready to see you." "What?" "Don't be such a dickhead." "I'm not." "Oh, God, I hate this part - the bit where she cracks the sads and makes me suffer." "She's not trying to make you suffer." "When do we get to the good bit, you know, where we make up and have special mum and dad time?" "Mmm?" "Gee, that's..." "Mmm." "Not sure." "OK." "Wait, wait, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa." "That's our bed." "Yep." "No." "What's it doing there?" "Well, EJ was gonna get a trailer around and take it to the tip later on." "What for?" "Because she bought a new bed." "I put in half for that bed!" "No, you didn't." "Well, I said I would!" "I-I came around and I had the money ready and everything." "She just wasn't..." "Oh, that bed Was..." "Oh, Shit!" "OK, then." "Thanks for stopping by." "So, Roo, can I have the bed, then?" "I tell you, the next girl who gets him is..." "Lucky, yeah." "Lucky." "Are you comfortable?" "Not particularly." "No, I don't suppose you are." "I have to ask that question." "They get mad otherwise." "Who does?" "Oh, people." "You know, 'the authorities'." "Now, if you're up for it, I'd like to try out something new." "OK." "Now, this is a technique I picked up in Vanuatu." "Do you know Reba Shikeki?" "Nope." "She does absolutely marvellous work with vaginae." "Right." "Now, I want you to think of this as a sort of aura cleansing." "Down below?" "Down below aura cleansing." "Fine." "OK." "Er, have..." "Have you ever come across a weird disease-type thing where, um, anyone who..." "well, enters a vagina ends up dying?" "What, like gonorrhoea, HIV, syphilis, that sort of thing?" "Because I can give you a test if you like." "Not in an STD way." "I mean, like, other kinds of deaths." "Like how?" "Like an aneurysm." "A penis aneurysm?" "Is... is there such a thing as a penis aneurysm?" "I don't know." "Be awful if there was." "A brain aneurysm." "Ah." "Right." "Tell me, are you feeling any heal at all when I'm doing this?" "No." "Oh, damn." "Bloody Reba." "Wasted trip that was." "And being hit by a car." "Mm-hm." "And, er... and overdosing on kava, the mud alcohol." "Is this one of these trick questionnaires where if I get an answer wrong, you can tell me that I'm gay?" "It doesn't matter." "I'm just being an idiot." "Hey!" "Because I'm not, you know." "Completely the opposite." "I'm gonna try something else out." "Roo, Roo, Roo, Roo, Roo." "Roo, Roo." "I'm sorry, I can't get in..." "Ooh, your thing." "Your thing's gone." "on" "Hi." "How long has he been out there?" "Er, all day." "That's a first." "I know." "I'm kinda surprised at how hard he's taking it this time." "The crying and the wrestling with mattresses is sort of out of character." "He does look pretty upset." "He looked that upset when his sister told him he resembled Daryl Somers." "Maybe you should go and talk to him." "Oh, don't." "I'm just saying." "You know what we're like." "One second we'll be talking, the next we'll be back in bed and after that we're on again." "I'm trying to be disciplined." "I know." "I'm sorry." "I don't want him to sing any more Grinspoon." "He started making up his own verses about an hour ago." "Come on." "Night, Zach." "Where are you going?" "Can I come?" "I wouldn't even know how you'd pick up in a bar these days." "Isn't there, like, an iPhone application you can get that beeps when someone compatible walks in?" "There used to be." "I think too many people got raped so they had to take it off the market." "I need a move." "What do you mean?" "You now, like a move, like a signature thing so potential suitors will know when I'm interested." ""Potential suitors"?" "It's been, like, two years or something." "That's a long time." "What about that nice boy with the big hair that you picked up last time you and Zach were on a break?" "That didn't count as 'picking up' officially." "I woke up naked in his housemate's bedroom looking like the girl from 'The Ring'." "Oh." "Unsubscribe." "Right." "Did that guy just look?" "Did..." "Probably the lazy eye." "Yes, that's a lazy eye." "So do you work nearby?" "Yeah, just in the city." "I'm a dental technician." "Oh, wow!" "That's..." "Yeah, not very sexy." "I wasn't gonna say that." "Very high suicide rate too, right?" "Oops." "Statistically speaking, as far as careers go." "Roo works in market research." "Oh, really?" "Yes." "Our main focus this week is how to make dental technicians want to kill themselves in neighbourhood bars." "She's very... she's very funny." "Yes." "So, Van, why don't you tell us a bit more about yourself?" "Er, yeah, um..." "Kind of feels like I'm being interviewed for a job." "You might be." "Did you bring your own bib and spit bucket?" "Er, excuse me." "Sure." "I didn't..." "That was just a joke..." "Yeah." "Hi." "om" "Fancy seeing you here." "Is this... is this your local?" "Er, no, not really." "Er, yours?" "Well, sort of." "We're closer to the Kent but we had to stop going there when they stopped letting Asians in." "Oh." "Well, it's nice to see you." "Yeah, y-you too." "Come and meet my friends." "Well, friend" " EJ." "She's trying to pick up a dentist." "I think I made him wanna kill himself." "I have that effect on people." "Er, this is Charlie, the IT guy from work." "Hi." "Charlie, this is EJ and Van." "Er, Charlie." "So what brings you here, mate?" "Oh, actually, look, I've, um..." " Charlie." "Hi." "I'm Stacey." "Hi, Stacey." "Hi..." "Stacey." "Stacey." "So my Dad said I couldn't borrow his car after what happened last time because I'm still on my Ls." "But have you guys seen Charlie's wheels?" "My car's not actually that bad." "It's grey!" "it's like bird poo!" "Yuck!" "Yuck?" "Was it?" "Was it yuck?" "I suppose you park two blocks away when you come to work so that nobody sees it." "Yeah, it's actually sharia law." "It's gotta stay 10 paces behind me or it'll get stoned to death." "I drive a Prius." "Of course he wouldn't be here on his own." "Why would he be on his own?" "He's here meeting his girlfriend." "His 5-year-old girlfriend." "What's that about?" "Seriously." "Does look a bit on the junior side." "A bit?" "!" "He's practically a child molester." "I'm gonna report him to DOCS on the way home." "Maybe I'm too old for him." "Bindi Irwin's too old for him." "Don't." "He's really nice." "Oh?" "Is he one of the nice paedophiles?" "I'm not gonna sit here like an idiot while he's on a date with his girlfriend." "Do you mind if I leave?" "Of course not." "This thing with Van looks like it might be going somewhere anyway." "See, haven't even mentioned Zach all night." "He seems sweet." "He seems like a dentist." "Now, you go." "Right, look amazing, smile and go." "Alright." "Thanks for that." "You'll be alright with them?" "Oh, sure." "I'll breastfeed her if she starts getting tedious." "Or, you know, I'll just jangle my keys." "They love that." "Like, the whole way they've done it and all the action." "And I mean, vampires, that's totally original, right?" "Mmm, yeah." "Like no-one's ever done it." "They've set a new trend." "I mean, I know heaps of people think it's really lame or whatever but I think they're really intelligent." "And I mean, they cast it perfectly." "Because you cannot get better than Edward Cullen." "And Jacob..." "Get up off the grass, for God's sake." "I'm trapped in a glass cage of emotion." "Well, come on, I'll help you." "It's just so hard to lift." "I know." "When you're hurting so deep." "Yes, yes." "Please start trying to act like a normal person just... just for a little bit." "Come on, Zach." "I'll help you." "Zach, everyone has problems." "Yeah." "Well, you know those BMX kids from around the corner?" "They came past before and one of them called me a faggot." "Don't listen to them." "I'm not a faggot." "They're faggots." "Zach, they're only children." "Come on." "I'm gonna help." "Come on, up you get." "Thanks." "I appreciate it, really." "No problem." "It's just when things get rough, you know, you lean on the people that you've known for the longest time." "And those that come through for you, you never forget them." "Yeah, it's not a big deal." "Yeah." "It's a big deal, Roo." "I'm hurting." "I know." "What's she doing tonight, anyway?" "Er, she's out for a drink with friends." "Picking up, right?" "I wouldn't know..." "I wouldn't know." "I know how she rolls." "You don't have to protect me." "We'll sort it out." "Anyway, you don't wanna sit here all night listening to me bitch about EJ." "How's shit with you?" "Er, shit with me is... shit, actually." "Bad news bears?" "Two of my exes have died recently." "Fuck, that sucks." "Three, actually." "Seriously?" "It's a bit intense." "Yeah, I know how you feel." "This ex of mine from high school died in a car crash and it really affected me." "Really?" "Yeah." "I mean, it's not like we went out for that long or anything but... ..it still made me really sad." "It's kind of hard to know what to do with that emotion when part of you feels that you haven't earnt the right to grieve." "That's exactly what I've been going through." "I get it." "As Keith Urban once said, "To love and pain."" "Amen, Keith." "Wherever you are." "He's not..." "Hey, you awake?" "Oh, my God." "I'll take that as yes." "Did we..." "Did we actually..." "Really?" "Oh, yeah." "Yeah we did." "Oh, my God!" "This is... this is awful!" "What?" "This is like a nightmare." "Oh, come on." "Just don't get too stressed out about it. it's not that bad." "I've had worse." "OW." "Come on, don't start over-thinking things, alright?" "There's always been a spark there." ""That's a little strange, if you're asking me" ""because I like to eat and laugh and fuck and play down low," ""and these are the things that I know."" "You know who said that?" "Where's my other shoe?" "It was a little band of cosmic poets called The Cat Empire." "I did not think this was gonna get a work-out so soon." "Mum!" "Mum, are you awake?" "!" "Dirty stopout." "You look like death." "I know." "Where did you end up?" "I just had a few wines at Mum and Dad's." "Oh, yeah?" "Listen, EJ..." "You'll be pleased to know that Van was a gentleman, and minty fresh." "Oh, he stayed?" "Mm-hm." "Are you gonna see him again?" "Maybe." "I'm not sure I really want a dead dentist hanging from my ceiling." "I think it worked, though." "Purged of Zach." "Oh, you're not gonna believe who dropped in this morning." "Who?" "Andrew." "What, Andrew Andrew?" "Andrew Andrew." "That's weird." "I know." "He's really keen to see you." "Keen in a "we made a terrible mistake, let's get married" way?" "He wants you to call him." "Is he still going out with Man Shoulders?" "Roo, you made it." "Hello." "He didn't tell me you were... it's nice to see you." "Come in." "Everyone's downstairs." "Look who's here." "Hello, darling." "Oh, don't you look lovely?" "Doesn't she look lovely?" "Yes, she looks lovely." "Hi." "Hi." "Hey, gorgeous." "You still working at the marketing place?" "For my sins." "Where's my Jasper?" "Oh, here he is!" "Here's my Jasper!" "Hello." "Oh!" "Hey." "Hey." "Hi." "I'm so glad you could come." "Of course!" "Let me see you." "Oh." "God, how long has it been?" "Too long." "It has, hasn't it?" "Too long, far too long." "So have you been well?" "You seem well." "Yeah, I've been, you know, working hard." "Mm-hm." "Still in hospitality?" "Retail." "Oh, you moved into retail?" "No, I've always been in retail." "I'm just going to seize the moment now to say a few words, if that's OK with everyone." "What's all this about?" "Shh." "Um, I'm so glad to have the people who are most important in my life here today." "One way or another, you all hold a very special place in my heart, so thank you." "Hear, hear." "Thanks, Dad." "Sometimes you reach milestones in your life and your first thought isn't "What's this about?"" "it's "Who can I share this with?" ""Who do I want to take on this journey with me?"" "Kristen, of course." "She's been with me every step of the way." "She's my rock and I'm so grateful." "I love you so much, darling." "I love you too." "The reason I asked you here today is because I wanted to tell you in person " "I'm dying." "Cheers." "Are you alright?" "Nothing's coming up." "Yeah, it's a bit of a shock, I understand." "That's an understatement!" "I thought you were about to tell us you were getting married." "God, you know I don't believe in marriage." "Three weeks, really?" "Yeah." "But you know what's important..." "Oh, God, here it goes." "Oh." "You know, to be honest, I was expecting something a little bit more supportive." "I'm sorry, I'm just..." "What am I supposed to do here, Roo?" "Comfort you?" "It's not always about you." "This is... this is intense." "Ah, yeah, kinda know the feeling." "Why is this happening to me?" "Today was supposed to be an intimate experience." "I am sharing something incredibly important with the people who mean the most to me and you're turning it into a personal crisis." "I'm not making a scene, really, it's just that.." "You're just dry-retching in the backyard." "Apart from that." "No more dramas." "I don't have time for it anymore." "I'm sorry." "Jesus." "Shit." "Shut up." "Shut up, shut up, shut up." "Oh!" "Hello." "Hey!" "Don't mind me." "Don't mind us." "We were just..." "I think she has rumbled us." "We will take this to..." "We will take this to the kitchen." "Oh, my God." "Toilets?" "Don't." "Shit." "That's not funny." "What are we doing?" "Don't take them off again." "Are you OK?" "I'm sorry about the whole..." "There was no arse-to-keyboard contact, promise." "So you're back on, then?" "What can I say?" "The guy has a hold on me - pathetic but true." "You think I'm an idiot." "No, I don't." "I know it's stupid, but he's not a complete dickhead, you know." "How was Andrew's?" "There has to be a logical explanation." "I'd love to hear it." "And I'm keen to know what you're gonna write down there." "Is it a sign for me to stick on my head in case someone else wants to have sex with me?" "I'm a Capricorn." "We make lists and we take it from there." "Now, Andrew was the last person you slept with?" "Mm-hm." "Oh, that is sad." "As is all the dying and whatnot." "So we've lost Brendan and Davey and Lleyton." "Right." "And Andrew's..." "Sick." "..not long for this world." "Sorry, I'm just trying to get it straight." "So Brendan was the first to go." "Death by kava." "Davey was hit by a car." "And Lleyton had an aneurysm." "Gosh, this is cheery." "Who was the first person you slept with ever?" "Lleyton." "Brendan was the second?" "And then Davey." "And Davey died after Brendan." "I can't believe we're having this conversation." "Come on, there has to be a thread." "There's no thread, there's just... death." "Brendan, then Davey, then Lleyton." "It doesn't make any sense." "None of it makes sense." "How come Lleyton died after Davey?" "He didn't." "What do you mean?" "I mean, he died ages ago." "I only found out later because..." "Which means they're being knocked off in order." "Do you think they're being knocked off?" "There were more, right?" "Of course there was more." "You're a modern women." "I've met half of them." "There's heaps more." "We need to write them down." "Why?" "Do you think they're g..." "Are more people gonna die?" "We just need to find them and make sure they're OK." "What if they're not OK?" "One step at a time." "Cast your mind back - who was the first person you had sex with after Davey?" "Um..."