"Hey, look at this." "It's a Polaroid." "Ifyou need more penicillin, I'll get it foryou." " All right, boys, what's all the tumult?" " The camera's been stolen!" "They're having a little problem with the stolen goods report ofyours." "What, they couldn't read my typing?" "They couldn't read it because they didn't receive it." " I must have sent 'em the carbon paper." " What an original mistake." " Little Chicago?" "What's that?" " Big place in field somewhere." "Just like Macy's, except eveything there stolen from gimbels." "Hey, buddy, I'm lookin' for a special kind of camera." "You mean Polaroid." "You lucky." "This brand-new." "Come in last week." "Corporal, areyou aware this camera's been stolen?" "Yeah, sure." "I just found it and bought it." "All right, step out ofthe jeep, soldier." "Down to my bones, I know that boy did not swipe the camera." "Relax." "Klinger's offthe hook." "Oh, by the way, when you see Klinger, give him a message for me." "Tell him the heat is on." "C.ID. is investigating stolen goods." "So this bad time to sell anything in Little Chicago." "Okay, I'll get those drinks now." "No." "Not for me." "I've just gone back to work." " Court-martial?" " They'll slapyou with a dishonorable discharge." "Which means no vet benefits... plus a civilian criminal record doggin' you forthe rest ofyour life." "What I don't understand is, even ifl did it, which I didn't... why are they making such a big deal over one lousy camera?" "Well, they figure a big crime ring is behind all these thefts... and they hopeyou will lead them to the bigger sharks in the pond." "Wonderful." "Son, I'm sory to have to tell you this." "The army says ifyou can name some names... they'd be willing to call the whole thing off." "Colonel, the onlyway I could name names is ifl was a crook, which I'm not." "I wish I was." "Then I could rat on my buddies and get off." "Well, don't go and getyourselffitted for a ball and chain yet." "You've still gotyour day in court." " And you've got the truth on your side." " With all due respect, sir... at this point, I'd rather have an unimpeachable, paid-offwitness." "You got more important things to wory about, like getting yourselfa defense counsel." "My Uncle Hary's the best whiplash man in Toledo." "But he's tied up right now." "Could we put this off for 1 0 years to life?" "Well, don't wory about getting a real lawyer." "In these parts, the army only uses officers." "One foryour side, one for their side." "You can even pickyour own ifyou have somebody in mind." "I can't representyou." "We're both witnesses for the prosecution." " Didn't Colonel Potter tell you that?" " Sure he did, but picture this." "If one ofthe state's two starwitnesses suddenly defends me to the hilt... then the whole case would be exposed as an ugly fabrication of sham." "That's what's known as a conflict ofinterest." "Oh, sure." "They got rules for eveything." " What are they paying you to torpedo me?" " They subpoenaed us." "Klinger, why are you trusting your future to the hands of a man... whose sole legal knowledge is the age of consent in all 48 states?" "That's what makes him the perfect choice." "He can talk anybody into anything." "Just ask two-thirds ofthe nursing staff." "Klinger, you're missing the point." "A court-martial board is not gonna be swayed... by the carnal clichés of a third-rate lothario." "Whatyou needforyour defense is a man who will bring to it an air ofdignityandstature." "Yeah." "But where are we gonna get somebody like that?" " We're gonna get me." " You?" "Charles Emerson Winchester, defender ofthe downtrodden." "Charles, you do all the trodding." "That's how they got down." "Why the sudden interest in Klinger's welfare?" "Yeah." "You don't even like me." "You're always calling me those long, four-letterwords." "I will defend you because I'm the officer most qualified to do so." "Finally, someone who thinks I'm innocent." "I didn't say that." "Your guilt or innocence doesn't concern me in the least." "What concerns me is winning!" "Sounds like a lawyer to me." "This is serious business." "What makes you so sureyou can win?" "Why not?" "After all, what is an attorney... but a graduate student who couldn't get into medical school?" "gee, somehow being' defended by a guy who hates my guts makes me nervous." "A good lawyer is not swayed by disaffection for one's guts." "It'd be a rare opportunity." "The litigious excitement, the thrust and pary of a verbal joust with a worthy opponent." "I didn't understand a word he said." "What a perfect lawyer." " [B.J. ] Don't do it, Klinger." " Let "I" Corps assign somebody." "Oh, sure, some apathetic clock-puncher who doesn't care whether he wins or loses." "Let me defend you, Klinger, and I assureyou, you won't regret it." "It'll be the most rational decision you've made sinceyou renounced women's wear." "Consider, Klinger, the firstsyllable ofWinchesteris "win.'"" "Okay, Major, you've got yourself a client." "Major, tell the court, ifyou would, uh, please... what you know of the defendant's character." "All right." ""Maxwell Klinger is a rare individual." ""Not onlyis he honest and trustworthy... a font ofloyalty"- [ giggling ]" "Your Honor, would you instruct the witness to stop tittering and answer the question." "Please answer the question, Margaret" " Major." "I'm" " I'm tying to help, but this isn't easy." "It's" ""He is also the cement that binds our unit."" "Binds ourunit?" " [ Laughing ]" " Ifl might render an opinion from the bench... continued hysterics from the witness might tend to undermine her credibility." " Major, you may step down and continue all the way to out!" " [Laughing Continues ]" "I'm sorr- I didn't" "We don't need her." "And she's one of the friendlywitnesses." "I would like to call to the stand one Father Francis Mulcahy." " Thankyou, Father." " [ Clears Throat ]" "Father, would you tell the court in your own sacred words..." "your assessment of my client's character?" " I'd be delighted." "I think the following anecdote capsulizes the essence ofthe man." "Please proceed, and, uh, speak up." "Recently, I found myselfin need ofsome new Bibles for my Sunday School class." " Ixnay, Father." " Uh, Klinger, this is no time for modesty." " Please proceed, Father." " The old ones were all tattered." "Now where was I going to find 1 8 new Bibles, and at a price we could afford?" "Where indeed?" "Well, sir, I confided my dilemma to Klinger." "And somehow, like a miracle... the next week, 1 8 brand-new Bibles turned up." "I don't know how he convinced the Seoul Plaza Hotel... to make that generous donation." "Yeah." "That's a wonderful stoy, Father." "But I don't think I can base the case on the stickiness of my client's fingers." " Sticky fingers?" " Yes." "You mean... hot Bibles!" " Hey, Hawk, what keptyou?" " Oh, I'm sory." "I got wrapped up in that symphony on Charles's tape recorder." " Oh, yeah?" " I got" " I completely lost track oftime." "Isn't that thing fantastic?" "The resonance, the clarity." " When was the last timeyou heard the "1 81 2 Overture" sound so lifelike?" " Not since 1 81 2." "##[Hawkeye Singing]" "[B.J.] Hey, hey, hey, Hawk!" "Knock off.the noise, willyou?" "[Hawkeye ] Oh,yeah?" "Whyshould" " Oh, I know." "You'reejustejealous 'cause I'm in great voice tonight." "[ B.J. ] Oh, I'll showyou what great voice you're in." "I'll record it on Charles's tape recorder and make you listen to it." "[ B.J. ] How could be aff.ord such an expensive tape recorder?" "[ Hawkeye ] Are you kidding?" "Money means nothing to Charles." "He 's the only American who landed in Incheon with Traveler's Checks." "I ' I I bet you Charles paid more than 2 00 for that tape recorder... and I 'm talkin' American dollars." "Oh, listen, listen." "I was in Seoul." "I saw- I saw a used one" "Wait." "I'm sory- for 250. 250." "I'm tellin' you" " I'm telling you this business is giving me a headache." "I thinkwe've made an important medical discovey." "Ifyou act drunk long enough, you get a real hangover." "Later." "We got hooks to bait." "I am so glad he keeps his key in here now." "I hated going through his socks." "[ Yawns ]" " Oh, I hope this guy makes his move soon." " He's made it." " What?" " The tape recorder's gone." "Oh, terrific!" "We're offbaiting the hook, and the fish comes in here and picks the lock." " ## [ Whistling ]" " Evening, Charles." " Hi, Charles." " gentlemen." "Hunnicutt, get off my footlocker." "So how areyou doin'?" " Tell him." " You tell him." "You take a punch better." "Okay." "Charles, there's something vey important I have to tell you." " Yes, Hunnicutt?" " But no one can tell it quite the way Hawkeye can." "Oh." " Charles" " Yes." "Pierce." "Uh, uh, uh, s-somebody- somebody came" "Um, I think some- No, but" " Somebody tookyour tape recorder." " What are you babbling about?" " Your tape recorder." " It's not in your footlocker." "It isn't?" "How doyou know that?" " Uh, uh" " Well, I'm sitting on it, and I can tell." "[ Chuckles ] Hunnicutt, you do indeed possess hindsight." " The tape recorder is not in the footlocker." " No." "It is with Klinger." "I want him to commit his testimony to memoy." " Oh." "Oh." " Oh." "When areyou gonna get your tape recorder back under lock and key... where nobody can- can get at it?" " Tomorrow." " Ah!" "good." "Why this sudden interest in my tape recorder?" "Charles, haven't you heard?" "The place is crawling with thieves." "These thieves don't crawl vey fast." "I don't understand it." "Three days and no takers." " So where's Klinger?" " I don't know." "You don't think he went AWOL, do you?" "Nah." "How far can a man run on rubber legs?" "Whywould he want to run away?" "The man has all the confidence in the world in me." "Please don't take me, sirs!" "I don't wanna go!" "Under the beds in post-op is the first place we had to look." "There you are, my cowering little criminal." "Major, I've given this an awful lot ofthought." "I've decided to stand up like a man at the court-martial and beg for postponement." " Perish the thought!" "Postponements are for losers." " Perfect." "Come on, Max." "How big a case can they have against you... when their starwitnesses are two ofyour closest friends?" "After I get finished testifying foryou, they're gonna award you a good Conduct Medal." "On top ofthat, Winchester's got my deposition... and I put in a couple ofhundred good words foryou." "That's great, sir, but I still wish you could be there in distinguished person." "Sory, son, but some of us have to stay behind... in case we have to put out the welcome stretcher." "good luck, Klinger." "You are-You are the cement that binds our unit together." " Now she gets it right." " good-bye, Klinger." "My prayers are with you." "I appreciate that, Father, especially after the 1 8 Bibles." "Oh, forget about that, son." "Your heart was in the right place, even ifyour hands weren't." "You know, with this kind of support, maybe I just might beat this rap." "To a veritable pulp, Max." "I shall personally see to it." "Then what are we waiting for?" "Let's get this show on the road!" "good luck, Klinger." "god speed." "[ All Cheering ]" " [Man ] Ten-hut!" " At ease." "Take your seats." "Just look at him, myworthyteenage opponent." "Hmm." "Where is the challenge?" "I'm surprised he doesn't have training wheels for his briefcase." "[ Chuckles ] You're as good as cleared, Max." " I could whip him with one deposition tied behind my back." " [Gavel Raps ]" "This special court-martial of the UnitedStates Armyversus... uh, Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger is now in session." "The defendant is charged with one count grand theft." "We will now entertain opening statements by counsel." "Thankyou, Mr. President." "[ Clears Throat ]" "Members of the court, my worthy opponent." "I shall be... brief." "I intend to prove to this august tribunal... that my client is totally innocent of the malicious and unfounded charges... which have been brought against him." "And though my learned colleague with his months of experience... undoubtedlybelieves otherwise, Ishall hold the armyaccountable... for the vindictive manner in which it is persecuting and prosecuting this innocent man!" "Psst." "Over here, sir." "I mean, of course, this innocent man." "Sory." "That's interestingly stated, Major, uh, Winchester, butyou're out of order." "Out of order?" "I don't understand." "It's notyour turn." "The prosecution speaks first." "Of course he does." " Boy, these guys are real sticklers." " Yeah." "Colonel, I finally found that rectal thermometer invoice." " Klinger had it filed under "Business Equipment."" " Thankyou, Major." "In a couple of days, I'll have this cockeyed system all straightened out." "Don't uncockeye that system, Major." "Otherwise, when Klinger gets back, he won't know how to misplace the stuff properly..." " so he can find it later." " What ifhe doesn't come back, sir" " Knock offthat kind oftalk, Major Houlihan." " I'm sory, Colonel." "We've got to keep positive thoughts here." "Now, how areyou doin', Padre?" "Actually, I'm quite enjoying the job, Colonel." "Uh, temporay, though it may be." "I onlywish I had a machine like this for my own personal use." "Well, talk to Klingerwhen he gets back." "Probably plenty more where he hustled this one from." "Damn." "I wish I could be there in person to vouch for his character." "Now then, Captain Pierce, this shouldn't take long." "For the record, I haveyour statement... declaring that the camera which was found in the defendant's possession... was the same camera thatyou reported stolen." " Is this your signature?" " Rather mundane opening ploy." " Uh, yes, but when I signed that, I didn't" " You've answered the question." "And does this statement not also acknowledge... that Corporal Klinger failed to file a stolen goods report... when asked to do so by his commanding officer?" "Yes, but he filed it as soon as we found out" "As soon as you and Captain Hunnicutt discovered his so-called oversight..." " and left him no choice." " Objection!" "The prosecution is clearly tying to lead the witness." "Mr. President, although the prosecution has subpoenaed him..." "Captain Pierce is a friend ofthe defendant." "He has continually expressed a reluctance to testify against him." "Clearly he is a hostile witness... andpursuant to the Uniform Code ofMilitaryJustice..." "I believe that it is my right to employ a greater latitude in questioning him." "Captain Rollins, you have certainly doneyour homework." " How appropriate for a schoolboy." " Objection overruled." " Proceed, Captain Rollins." " Say, just a" " Major, sit down!" " Right." "Now then, Captain Pierce, where were you when the camera was stolen?" "I was in surgey in the O.R., and so, might I add, was Corporal Kling" "Confineyour answers to the questions, Captain, please." "Now then, where was Corporal Klinger?" "As I was about to say, Corporal Klingerwas in the O.R., helping out, as he always does." " I see." "Helping out." " Yes." "Would that include such things as leaving the O.R. to go for penicillin?" "Well, yes, but, uh- but thatwas, uh, ifl may so... a compassionate and heroic function." "Andejust howlong didhe take toperform this compassionate and heroic function?" "Well, I don't know." "I was" " I was busy, uh, with a patient." "I wasn't watching the clock, but it certainly wasn't long." "Well, long enough for Klinger to get toyour tent... take the camera, stash it away and return?" " No, not as long as that." " How doyou know that?" "Did you not just tell this court... thatyou were busywith a patient and not watching the clock?" "Well, those were mywords, but that's not what I said." "What, I mean, that's" "In short, Captain Pierce, you don't know how long Corporal Klingerwas out ofthe O.R." "Objection!" "The question is irrelevant and immaterial... and I'm sure a few other things." "I fail to see how this damning testimony establishes my client's guilt or innocence." "Well, you're the only one, Major." "Overruled." "Captain, answerthe question." "I might remindyou thatyou're still under oath." "I don't know how long Klinger was gone." " But the supply room is vey" " Thankyou." "Your witness, Major." "I have no further questions." "I should say not." "[ Clears Throat ]" "In your opinion, Captain Pierce, would Klinger takeyour camera?" " No!" " Objection." " Sustained." "Colonel, you have to eat." "Depriving yourself offood isn't gonna help Klinger." "Next, Major, you're gonna tell me to make all gone." "Eveyone shows their anxiety in different ways, Colonel, but to shun the necessities oflife" "It's not the anxiety, it's the pimento loaf." "Klinger's only hope is to get a recess long enough to go to law school." "My deposition ought to help." "Did they get to ityet?" "They did, and it was vey nice, Colonel." "But the prosecuting attorney also had depositions from three "I" Corps supply clerks... the accounts payable department at a Tokyo dress manufacturer" " Please, enough." " And I wasn't much help either." "[Man On P.A.] Attention, allpersonnel!" "In honor ofthe return of Captains Pierce and Hunnicutt... we're having a big Meet the Wounded party in O.R." "great." "Two blood baths i n one day." "How then do you explain that when the arresting M.P.s... returned with you to that exact spot not 30 minutes later... there was no trace ofthis Little Chicago?" "Well, they must have packed up and left." "Oh, come on now, Corporal, isn't this obviously a case of res ipsa loquitur?" " Racial Pepsi Cola?" " I must object... strenuously!" " On what grounds?" " Because" "Uh, I'll have it in a minute." "[Papers Rustling]" " Major, we don't have all day." "What is your objection?" "Just a minute." "Just a minute." "[ Speaking Latin ]" "Uh, forgive my ignorance, Mr. President, but that's a term I'm not familiarwith." "Oh, don't know it." "Hmm." "Well, I am." "Major, I wantyou to explain to this court exactlywhat that means." "Huh." "[ Nervous Chuckle]" "Aspirin, three times a day." "[ Chuckles ]" "[Potter] Easyon the suction orwe'll turn him inside out." "[Margaret] Look at this shrapnel!" "[Mulcahy] Yes, he's sure got his minimum daily requirement ofiron." "[ Potter] Forceps." "Damn it, hurry up!" "[ Margaret ] This boy's been here before, hasn't he, Doctor?" "[ Potter] Unfortunately, too many of'em come back for seconds." "[ Mulcahy] Here are those towels you asked for, Maejor Houlihan." "[ Margaret ] Thanks, Father." "Goldman, get these towels distributed." "The poi nt is, gentlemen... that my cl ient is totally innocent of all the charges against him." "Of that there can be no question." "But ifyou, inyourwisdom... do not agree... think of me." "My expenditure oftime and effort has been staggering!" "And what of my credibility?" "Three generations ofWinchesters have never lost an argument... much less a trial." "Ifyou send this man to the stockade, it will be an injustice... albeit a minor one." "But the damage to my reputation... will be a tragedy of epic proportions." "With that- [ Clears Throat ]" "to deliberate my fate... and his." "[ Charles ] The defense rests." "Please, sir." "Will you handle my appeal?" "[Potter] Retractor, Margaret." "Anymore ofthese fellows come back, and we'll have to start fitting 'em with zippers." "See that, Margaret, I've got a bleeder." "[ Margaret ] Father, I could use you again." "[ Mulcahy] Oh, yes, Maejor." "Be right there." "[ Margaret ] Kellye, we 're gonna need more blood in here." "And then give Dr. Pierce a hand." " [ Shutter Clicks ]" " H ey, what are you doi n'?" " [ B.J. ] Beautiful!" " [ Hawkeye ] Keep snarling!" "You've got a real future in pictures." ""And after careful del i beration..." ""we the members of the special court-martial... findyou, the accused, Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger'"" "It's okay, Sergeant." "We're on our side." "Sory to interrupt, Colonel Drake, but we'd be sorrier ifwe didn't." " What is going on here?" " Only a little ex post facto, habeas corpus... flagrante delicto, delightful and de-lovely." "Captain, you are interrupting a United States Army court-martial!" " And you better have a good explanation!" " We have a terrific explanation." "What areyou doing?" "Haveyou no regard for the sanctity ofthese proceedings?" "I'm proceeding right to the stockade." "Let 'em talk!" " You can't do that." " Yes, I can." "You're fired." " Will you get to the point?" " Talk is cheap." "Especiallywhen one picture is worth a thousand words." "The missing piece ofthe puzzle was provided by Captain Rollins... duringhis inspired thirddegree." "You see, he pointed out that Klingerwasn't in the O.R. when the camera was stolen." "We realized that all the thefts took place when we were in surgey." "So when we got back to camp, we staged a phony O.R." "Light-fingered Louie here thought everyone was in surgery." "Captain Pierce and I put Major Winchester's tape recorder on display." " You what?" " [B.J. ] While we lurked in the shadows... our model thief came by to have his picture taken." "I think he looks better with the cuffs on, don't you?" "Corporal, I was about to findyou guilty." "But in the light of this new evidence..." "I think that your friends here have helped us avert a serious miscarriage of justice." "Case is dismissed." "I beat the rap!" "Thereyou are, Max." "Told you I'd getyou off." "[Hawkeye ] Klinger, come on." " Guys, I can'tejust takeyour camera." " You paid for it." "And we think it's appropriate that the new owner takes the picture." " [ Together ] Yeah!" " Come on." "All right." "All right." "All right, eveybody." " Now get in there and scrunch together a little more." " Somebody get my oils." "I can paint this clusterwith less fuss." "Sory to interruptyou, folks, but doyou know where I can find a Father Francis Mulcahy?" "Uh, I'm Father Mulcahy." "Yes, Father, uh, I'd like to askyou a few questions." "It's about some stolen Bibles." " Eighteen to be exact." " Why, uh" "Don't say anotherword, Father." "Let your counselor handle this."