"[Theme music]" "ALL: [Singing] We can sing and dance and we don't need pants" "See, we're just like you" "We've got regular jobs, just with low doorknobs" "See, we're just like you" "Yes, we graduate from Harvard" "At the head of my class!" "But if you take sobriety" "I may not pass!" "There's no strings attached and there's no hand up my" "We're just like you!" "GREG:" "Come on, they'd never fire Oscar." "I read about it." "His shrink put him on Prozac." "He stopped being a grouch." "Poor bastard." "Hey, guys." "How was lunch?" " Have either of you seen Gil?" " Gil?" "[Greg stammering]" " No, we haven't seen him." " Okay, thanks." "Shawarma." "What?" "Shawarma." "That's what we had for lunch." "It's good." "[Dottie chuckles]" "jim:" "What the hell was that?" "GREG:" "I don't know." "I just get so tongue-tied around Dottie." "I mean, she's pretty, and she's a big TV star." "Wow, do you have a little case of puppet love?" "No way, Jimbo." "Of course not." "All right, maybe a little bit." "But, come on... have you ever seen anybody so beautiful in your entire life?" "jim:" "Yes, I have." "Now stand back and watch the master." "alison:" "Hi, Greg." "GREG:" "What up, doc?" "Hi, Alison." "You're looking awfully" " You work here, right?" " Yes, I do." "The name's Jimmy." "I have a little emergency." "Somebody parked a beat-up Datsun in my parking space... and people might think it's mine." "Just because I'm a PA, and I wear a T-shirt and jeans... you automatically assume it's my beat-up car?" "Is it?" "Not for 17 more payments." " Just move it, Jerry." " Okay." "GREG:" "Later, Alison." " I think that went well." " Oh, yeah." "Yeah." "I think we're gonna be living with each other for a long time, Jerry." "[Jim snickers]" "What?" "[Upbeat instrumental music]" "DOTTlE:" "Gil." "GlL:" "Dottie, I can't talk now." "Marty the skunk just got food poisoning, so I've got a squirrel to paint." " Gil?" " Yeah?" "Bye." "I was just wondering who I'm going to be singing my new friendship song with." "Oh, yeah, the friendship song." "Well, I haven't decided yet." "No one wants to sing with me, do they?" "GlL:" "Oh, Dottie." "Why do you keep doing this to yourself?" "You are a wonderful performer who is adored by everybody around here." " Really?" " I wouldn't say it if it wasn't true." "There isn't a single person in this cast... who isn't dying to do that number with you." "ALL:" "No way." "Come on, fellas." "Why doesn't anyone want to sing a song with Dottie?" "Dottie's a fabulous girl, and we all love her... but the problem is she's too needy." "I like needy." "Last year's Christmas party..." "let's just say she decked my halls, and I gave her a holy night." "Lovely, Warren." "Yeah, we were joyful and triumphant." "Pa-rum pum pum pa" "We get the point." "Good, because I'm out of Christmas innuendos." "No, wait, she was a heavenly piece." "We've got to find somebody..." "[Laughs]" " I just got that one." " You can have it." "All right, my time is a little too precious for this." "Who's gonna sing the song with Dottie?" " Why don't you just give it to the kid?" " Yeah, that's good, really." " Are you serious?" " Yeah." "You think he can handle it?" "Well, do you mean the cutesy song... or the wild lovemaking followed by the neurotic clinginess?" "He'll be fine." "It'll be good for him." "Maybe it'll calm him down." "What the hell." "Greg!" "Yes, Mr. Bender, sir." "Listen, how'd you like to sing a special friendship song on the show tomorrow?" "More screen time?" "Hey, friendship and singing are two of my favorite things." "And it'll be a duet." "Wow, even better." "So, who do I get to sing with?" " Dottie Sunshine." " Dottie..." "I jingled her bells, and I was well hung by the chimney with care." "[Warren laughing]" "Oh, right, we're off that." "Gil, any update on the song?" "Well, you were a loose ball on the 10-yard line... and Greg here picked up the pigskin." "[Exclaims excitedly]" "Any update on the song?" "Greg here is gonna sing the song with you." "Really?" "That's so exciting." "Yeah." "What a duo." "GlL:" "Good luck, Greg." "Greg, this is our first song together." "[Stammering]" "I've got a great idea." "Why don't you come to my place tonight, and we can rehearse?" "GREG:" "We can..." "You want me to come to your place?" "Sure, silly." "If we're gonna sing a song about friendship... we've got to really get to know each other." "Okay." "It looks like we're not the only ones playing poker tonight, mon." "[Upbeat instrumental music]" "Get it?" "jim:" "Okay, lift your arms." "GREG:" "Yeah." "Jimmy, I'm a little nervous about Dottie." "She's an older woman." "She's a human." "You're gonna be fine." " Now get ready." "We're going down south." " All right." "Whoa, I do declare." "Hey, don't get too close." "You'll burn the bunny bone." "Sorry." "You might need that later." "You think so?" "Greg, don't be so naive." "A hot babe invited you to her house, late at night, alone." "You better do the pits again." "Okay." "Just take a deep breath." "You can do this." " You just got to be cool." " But I'm not cool." "Then just act like somebody cool." "Who's the coolest guy you know?" " Abe Lincoln." " That's a great idea." "Get a top hat, go to Dottie's house, and free the slaves." "GREG:" "Yeah, I could..." "jim:" "Yeah." "Okay." "How about James Bond?" "James Bond is good." "Yeah." "That's good." "So when you're with Dottie, just think you're James Bond." "Okay." "Bunny." "Greg the Bunny." "[Adventurous instrumental music]" "I should have trusted my instincts." "Okay, just be cool, and be the Bond." "Okay, be the Bond." " Hi, Greg." "Come in." " Hi." "GREG:" "Oh, my God." "I heard you were a sucker for lollipops." "Just a little joke." "Oh, God." "You're adorable." "Tom Cruise adorable, or baby duck adorable?" "It's close." "Come on in." "[Rock music playing on stereo]" "Most guys usually just bring me a bottle of tequila." "I stopped at the liquor store, but they didn't have anything I could carry." "Make yourself comfortable." "Would you like something to drink?" "Sure, what have you got?" "Lots of tequila and some wine." "Hey, Alison." "How are you doing?" " Good." "How are you?" " I'm hanging." "jim:" "Hey." "alison:" "Hey, you." "jim:" "Yeah, look who it is." " Jimmy Bender from work." " Right." "Gil's troubled son." "Yeah, you know, I come here periodically." "I like to keep up on Summer Bride... because a guy can hope." "You know what's really cool about right now?" "See, we don't have all those work labels to keep us apart." "You know, where you're a network executive and I'm a production assistant." "Out here, right now, we're just a man and a woman... hanging out at a newsstand." "Just two attractive people trying to make a human connection." "eddie:" "Hey." "alison:" "Hey." " Sorry I'm late." " That's okay." "Look, now we're three attractive people." "Eddie, this is Jerry from work." "Hi." " Well, we're late for a movie." " Nice to meet you, Jerry." "Jimmy." " ls he a puppet?" " I don't know." "I tell you, Dottie, your place sure is sexy." "It's boobiful." "Beautiful." "Thanks." "I decorated it myself." "That's a really nice artsy photo you got over there of a girl." "She's very naked." "Thanks." "It's me." "[Greg choking]" " Greg?" " I'm cool." "Isn't it great we're finally getting to know each other?" "[Greg stammering]" "Dottie, I like you so much." "I really do." "I can barely talk to you and all." "It's just that I think that you and I should just probably be friends." "Best of friends." "Really?" "You just want to be friends?" "Well, it's just that we have to work together... and you know how rumors get started." "But trust me, Dottie, I like you so much." "I mean, you're beautiful, you're human, and you're big." "Not big, like wide." "Just big-tall, which is not bad, either." "It's good to be big." "It's just that I'm so small." "I mean, I'm not small." "I'm big for a small guy." "But I'd really like to just stop babbling now." "DOTTlE:" "You are so cute." "GREG:" "So you've said." " I'm happy just being friends." " I'm glad." "I don't have a lot of experience at it, but I'm willing to give it a try." "All right, so we're friends." "So, what do you say, buddy?" "Let's hit that tequila." "You know who I heard had to sell his house?" "BLAH:" "Who, blah?" "JACK:" "Snuffalupagus." "Snuffy?" "Come on." "He's loaded." "All went up his nose." "All right, I see your $5, and I raise you $5, blah." "You're bluffing, mon." "Okay, could you please stop with that annoying "mon" business, blah?" "Right after you stop with the "blah," mon." "I'm out." "Yeah, too rich for monkey blood." "Okay, then, read them and weep, mon." "JAMAlCAN:" "Oh, mon." "Okay, boys, I'm going to quit while I'm ahead." "Come on, you can't leave now." "No, I gotta get home and rehearse my lines for tomorrow." "No, I gotta get home and rehearse my lines for tomorrow." "We're doing the alphabet." " Any numbers?" " Two and six." "Okay, one more hand." "All right, I got a good one." "A puppet, a Jew, and a one-legged priest walk into a gay bar." "What are you doing?" "You nailed me." " I have not begun to nail." " Oh, you little stinker." "Your bed sure is good for bouncing." "Come on, try it." "Marco." "There's no water, silly." " I said Marco." " Polo." " Marcoroni." " Polo pony." " Turkey baloney." " Mony Mony." "[Dottie screaming]" "[Greg laughing]" "You know what else this bed's good for?" " What?" " Pillow fights." "Greg, are you okay?" "Psyche." "This is without a doubt the most fun I've had on a date in a long time." "So this was a date?" "Sure." "I mean, a play date, as it's turned out." "Look at me." "I'm exhausted from laughing." "I swear, I feel like I'm 13 again." "[Soft instrumental music]" "You know... most guys think I'm a slu... a friendly girl." "[Greg yawns]" "You are friendly." "You're so nice to me." "You're different from any other guy I've ever met." "Oh, listen to me." "I'm just glad you're so sweet, Greg." "Thank you." "[Greg snoring]" "[Soft instrumental music continues]" "[Upbeat instrumental music]" "[Puppets snoring]" "JACK:" "I'll see you... and raise you $20." "Oh, big man." "I'll see that $20... and I will raise..." "[Burps]" "Last man standing." "Come on, guys." "Don't tell me you've been here all night." "Jeez, you have." "In case you didn't know... we're shooting the hygiene sketch in 20 minutes." "Look at this." "Yes, sir." "I'm ready." "Yeah, you're ready." "Good." "Great." "GlL:" "Can we get some air in here, please?" "Somebody open the door." "You call yourselves professionals?" "I'm very disappointed here." "WARREN:" "God, Gil." "I'm gonna have to start with the friendship song now... while you clowns get yourselves together." "Where's Dottie and Greg?" "Gil, don't ask me." "I don't even know where my pants are." "Jimmy, where's Greg?" "I don't know." "Man, is there some puppet funk in here." "Hey, Jimmy, stay with Daddy." "He didn't come home from Dottie's last night." "It looks like our little bunny is now a rabbit." "Come on." "He's not like you guys." "He's pure." "He's innocent." "They just pulled in together." "She shtupped him." "Oh, dear God." "I hope it didn't make his voice lower." "I dancered and prancered that vixen... and, man, was I blitzened." "[Laughs]" "What do you know?" "The well's not dry, after all." " So, everything okay, you two?" " Superduper." " How about you, Greggie Weggie?" " l, too, am superduper, Dottie Wottie." "[Warren chuckling]" "WARREN:" "Unbelievable." "I'm gonna blow out my brainsy-wainsy." " What up, G.B.?" " Hey, you guys." " So, come on, spill it." " Yeah." "Spill what?" "You know, last night with Dottie." "Did you... blah?" "Did I "blah"?" "No, did you and she, did you together, you know... blah?" "Oh." "What?" "Oh, God, we're gonna be here all day." "WARREN:" "You and Dottie, last night." "What happened in the bedroom?" "Oh, well, we bounced around a lot." "So much, in fact, we broke her bed." "Then she banged me up against the wall." "Mazel tov." "So, just to be perfectly clear, you actually nailed her?" "Yeah, I did." "I pulled out my little gun and I nailed her, like, five times." "Okay, too much information." "What's the big deal?" "I do it to Jimmy all the time." "BLAH:" "Hello!" " Whoa, don't look at me like that." " I do." "You do know we're talking about sex?" "Sex." "Right." "Of course." "WARREN:" "I knew it." "GREG:" "What?" "I told you guys." "He's like a little child." "Yeah, let's go." "You guys are so immature." "Is that what it takes?" "A big sex story to impress you?" "That's so petty." "Because we did have sex, after all." "Hi." "GREG:" "You should've seen Dottie in this outfit." "Oh, my God, was she hot." "We had tequila, and we just started to do it... and my rabbit instincts kicked in, and the next thing I knew... we were going all night long." "It was like turning on the Spice Channel and then seeing myself." "Congratulations, Gregory." "Today, you are a man among men." "You've got that right." "Now, let's put on our makeup and get pretty for the camera." "Okay, people, time for the big song." "Greg?" "There you are." "GlL:" "I want you in the window." "GREG:" "Okay." "Beautiful." "Where's our girl?" "There she is." "Good morning, honey." " Hi, Dottie." " Hi." "So this is our big song, right?" "It's going to be the coolest, huh, guys?" "Yeah, it's going to make the rainbow song look like a steaming pile of dung." " Can we do this, please?" " Sure can." "Dottie, is something wrong?" "Of course not." "Why would anything be wrong?" "Let's do this!" "Okay, here we go." "Let's sell this to a nation." "And action." "Hey, everybody." "Let's sing a song about friendship." "[Singing] When you're a friend you stick like glue" "A friend is the one that stands by you" "A friend is someone that remains true-blue" " And I have that in you" " Sure do" "When you're a friend, you make me glad" "A friend picks you up whenever you're sad" "Friends understand and never get mad" " You're the best friend I've ever had" " Not bad" "Friends, friends, until the end" "Friends, friends, we'll never bend" "I'll always be a friend to you" "[Crying] No matter what you say or do" "You don't care how I feel!" "Hey, Dottie." "Come back!" "[Singing] There's one for the blooper reel" "Dottie, what..." "[Dottie crying loudly]" "Dottie?" "Can you please tell me what's wrong?" "[Dottie continues crying]" "You can tell me anything, you know." "We're friends, remember?" "It's like our song says." "Don't you quote that song." "Don't you dare use those words to me." "You are not allowed to use those words ever again." "Do you understand?" "Why, Dottie?" "I heard everything that you told those guys." "I can't believe you fooled me into thinking you were different." "[Crying] Oh, God!" "[Dottie screaming]" "Sounds like a lovers' quarrel." "Shut your hole, old man!" "I mean, nice boots you got." "[Upbeat instrumental music]" "[Upbeat instrumental music]" "Is there a reason I'm carrying these?" "Thank you." " Oh, hey." " Hey." "Listen, about what you said last night." "Yeah?" "It was really creepy." "Wait, Charlie Sheen creepy, or Charlie Manson creepy?" "It was like your own brand of creepy." "jim:" "Wait a minute." "Don't tell me that you really go for that... big, dumb, good-looking, you know... working-out, hair-brushing, shaving" "What, do you watch too many sitcoms... where the quirky underdog steals the heart of the unattainable woman?" "This is the real world, my friend." "Okay?" "Excuse me." "Coming through." "There's not gonna be any sexual tension... and you're not gonna wear me down with your charm." "Even if we're trapped in an elevator, or a cabin, or a meat locker." "Got it, Jimmy?" "She called me Jimmy." "[Upbeat instrumental music]" "Okay, people, let's set up for the birthday greetings." "I've got a network note here." "Susie and Kenny are now Shaniqua and Carlos." "Attention, everybody." "Your attention, please." "Greg, I wouldn't touch that microphone... or some of the fine gentlemen from our union will come over... and snap your paw like a twig." "No, I want all of you to listen to me." "When all of you were asking me about Dottie in the makeup room..." "I said that we had sex, and it was just like the Spice Channel." "I'm here to tell you that it was a pathetic, peer-pressured lie." "I never had sex with Dottie." "All we did was hang out and have fun, like two friends should." "I mean, sure, I liked her, she liked me." "There was animal attraction, but we rose above it." "And I hurt her feelings just because I wanted to be one of the guys." "So I was wrong for lying about Dottie." "She's a princess, and she deserves to be treated like one." " That was beautiful." " Yeah." "Hell, the kid's right." "Last year, at the Christmas party, Dottie turned me down." "I got wasted and passed out on the floor of the handicapped john." "So I never slept with her, and I guess no one else did either." "[Soft instrumental music]" "I really am so sorry, Dottie." "Oh, Greg." "I can't believe you stood up and defended my honor like that." "No man has ever done that for me before." "It was so masculine." "[Soft instrumental music]" "It looks like I could use a little fabric softener." "[Comic instrumental music]" "GREG:" "Hey, you guys." "BLAH:" "Yes?" "Everyone be harmonious." "What are you people doing here?" "I'm so confused." "I'm old and confused." "Criminy!" "What's that smell?" "Brush my hair?" "I think you watch too many sitcoms or something... where the quirky underdog wins the heart of the unattainable woman..." " but this is the real world." "You know?" " Excuse me." "Coming through." "Gotta pee." "Thanks."