"Oh, hey, Alan." "Jake, your dad's here." "So, how's it going?" "All good." "Good." "You?" "Good." "Well, good." "Yeah, good." "Gooood." "Well, I, uh, I see you put in a new mailbox." "Oh, yeah, the old one was pretty shoddy." "Whoever put it in didn't anchor the pole correctly." "That would be me." "Oh, sorry." "The mailman was complaining about the wiggle." "Herb, the mailman's a pothead." "Yeah, I know." "I caught him eating my tomato plants." "Anyway, I just decided to replace the whole thing." "Yeah, I see it, uh, it now says "The Melnicks."" "Well, I paid for the mailbox." "I get my mail there." "My name's Melnick..." "Yeah, I..." "I get it." "I mean, what does it say on your mailbox?" "Charlie Harper." "Oh." "Jake!" "No need to yell." "He's in the bathroom." "Big surprise, eh?" "He's either shoveling it in or shooting it out." "Yeah, he's a regular Play-Doh fun factory." "Just go make sure he hasn't fallen asleep in there again." "Yes, dear." "So, how's everything?" "Fine." "Listen, Alan, I've been thinking now that Jake's a teenager, he'd benefit from spending some more time with his dad." "Oh, oh, that would be great." "Nothing would make me happier than to spending more time with my son." "Good." "Hey, Dad." "Oh, hey, buddy." "All finished in the bathroom?" "For now." "You should've seen the last one." "It looked like a question mark." "Terrific." "And it came out of my colon." "Get it?" "Hilarious." "Commas are easy." "Go." "Um, so, uh, what are we talking about here?" "You know, an extra day or two every other week?" "Actually, I was thinking more like a solid three months." "In a row?" "Alan, how many sons do you have?" "As many as you do." "Look, do you want your kid or not?" "Of course, but... well, I'll have to clear it with Charlie, and... and there is the financial issue." "What financial issue?" "Well, if he's going to be living with me," "I'm thinking I should get a sizeable break on the child support." "Well, you're certainly entitled to your opinion." "Well, thank you." "Wait a minute." "Three months in a row?" "!" "Come on." "It'll be fun." "For who?" "All he does is eat, sleep and clog up the toilets." "Shh!" "Let's talk about this later." "Oh, please, chowderhead can't hear us." "Right, chowderhead?" "See?" "Oh, just admit it:" "you love having him around." "I love having him around because I always know he's leaving." "Don't take the leaving part away from me, Alan." "Let's just give it a chance." "See how it works." "That's what Poland said about the Germans." "Been watching the History Channel again?" "It's Nazi week." "It's always Nazi week." "Look, tell you what, why don't I take you and Jake out to dinner tonight?" "Can we get chili burgers?" "This is fun, huh?" "The three Harper boys, sitting around the camp fire." "Yeah, bite me." "So, numbnuts..." "Any thoughts as to why your mom dumped you off on us?" "Charlie." "Oh, like you're not curious." "No!" "No, I'm not curious." "She just thought it would be a good idea for him to spend more time with his father." "Yeah, and I'm trying to save girls a long ride home on the freeway." "So what's your theory, Alfalfa?" "I think you're just pretending to be considerate so you can have sex with them." "No, no, I mean about your mother and Herb." "Oh." "They are fighting a lot." "They're fighting?" "Yep." "31." "31?" "It's what you get when you add 24 and seven." "You know, they're fighting all the time." "24/7." "31." "I'm not gonna make it three months, Alan." "You're gonna be fine." "They're fighting in front of you?" "They don't think they're fighting in front of me 'cause sometimes when I wear the headphones," "I turn the music off." "And you figured that out all by yourself?" "Hey, you may think I'm dumb, but you overestimate me." "My mistake." "So what are they arguing about?" "Well, she doesn't like his parents, he doesn't like her spending, and something about sex." "What about sex?" "That's when I turn the music back on, you sick freak." "Sorry." "I mean, that's my mother." "I said I'm sorry." "Man, I'm not gonna make it three months." "Oh, great, now he's got the moral high ground." "Forget about that." "The important thing is," "Judith and Herb are having marital problems." "Why does that make you happy?" "Well, it's not happiness exactly." "It's just that, you know, all these years she's been blaming me for the failure of our marriage, and now..." "Yeah, I guess happiness pretty much sums it up." "* Men. *" "Hey, what's this I hear about Little Lord Skidmark coming to live here full time?" "Oh, it's just for a few weeks." "I'm sure if we all pull together, you'll hardly even notice he's here." "Yeah, pull this." "Charlie!" "You and me gotta have a conversation." "Nice talking to you." "(doorbell rings)" "Hey, Alan." "Oh, hey, Herb." "Judith asked me to drop this stuff off for Jake." "Oh, let me help you." "Thanks." "So, what have you two lovebirds got planned" "for the next few months?" "Second honeymoon?" "No, not exactly." "Hard to believe you're coming up on your second anniversary." "Yep." "Hard to believe." "Two years." "Time flies when you're having fun, eh?" "I wouldn't know." "Hey, Herb." "Hey, Charlie." "You ask him about his marriage going down the crapper?" "I was easing into it." "So was I." "What's the problem, Herb?" "Is it in the bedroom?" "It usually starts in the bedroom." "That's still my mother, you sick freak!" "We usually wait till he puts on headphones before we discuss these things." "Gee, Herb, something you should know about the headphones is..." "Shh, shh!" "Don't spoil it." "So what's the deal?" "Is it sex?" "No." "Well, yeah, but..." "it's no big deal." "I mean every marriage has an ebb and flow to it." "Of course." "Sure." "Sure." "Right now Judith and I are kind of ebbing." "A lot." "31." "Right." "31." "I don't know what's happening, man." "We can't seem to communicate anymore." "She constantly finds fault with me." "I don't know what to do." "I'll tell you what to do." "What my testicle-challenged brother should have done." "As soon as she starts complaining, you put your foot down." "Let her know who's in charge." "And no matter what, do not let her use sex as a weapon." "You let her know that if she won't satisfy your needs, there's plenty of women out there who will." "Really?" "Why would I lie?" "Women like Judith respond to strength and confidence, not... well, that." "Oh, you make a compelling case." "Damn right I do." "Now go claim what's yours." "I believe I will." "Thanks, Charlie." "I'm here for you, big guy." "Why did you do that?" "I get bored." "* Men. *" "Hey." "Hey." "Why aren't you in school?" "I'm sick." "Sick?" "Relax, I'm just faking to get out of a math test." "Oh, okay, good." "You scared me." "What's with the staple gun?" "Oh, the sole's coming off my shoe." "Ah." "You might want to take it off first." "Good call." "Morning." "(staple gun clacking)" "It's none of my business, but that's one kid who can't afford to miss a single day of school." "(staple gun clacking)" "Yeah, like school's gonna make a difference." "(staple gun clacking) JAKE:" "Ow!" "Crap!" "I stapled my fingers together." "You got a point." "Come on, honey." "Blow." "What's he got?" "A cold, I think." "Then why didn't you leave him at home?" "That way, we all don't have to get sick." "And that's why you should always take your shoes to a fully qualified, professional cobbler." "You know what's good?" "Apple cobbler." "What's the damage, doc?" "Will he play the violin again?" "He'll be fine." "You might wanna keep him away from staple guns." "Right." "Also nail guns, glue guns, pretty much anything with "gun" in it." "Got it." "Thanks, Herb." "Hey, Charlie, could I talk for you a sec?" "Why don't you go wait for me in the car?" "Gimme the keys." "I'm not giving you the keys." "Then how am I gonna wait in the car?" "Wait by the car." "I don't have sunscreen on." "I'm very fair-skinned." "Then wait under the car." "What's up?" "Well, remember that advice you gave me about how to handle Judith?" "Oh, gee, Herb, that wasn't so much advice as, you know, social satire." "Well, it worked out great." "Really?" "She bought that king-of-the-castle crap?" "No, no, she kicked my ass out." "But the thing is, talking with you and seeing how you live," "I'm convinced I'm better off single." "Is that so?" "Oh, yeah." "I mean, why chew on one chicken wing when you can eat from the whole bucket?" "Just so there's no confusion." "Chicken wings are...?" "Women, Charlie." "I was offering up a metaphor." "And you went with wings rather than breasts and thighs." "Ooh, that is better." "Anyway, I was thinking maybe you and I can go out sometime and get a party pack." "Sex with strange women." "I'm extending the metaphor." "Of course." "Sure, let's do that sometime." "Thanks again for sewing up the kid." "So, uh, what color do you like?" "Excuse me?" "Oh, I-I was thinking Asian, but I'll take the green." "Hey, Dad.." "Oh, hey." "How are you feeling?" "Fine." "Throat's not sore anymore?" "Oh, yeah, a little." "What happened to your fingers?" "Oh, I stapled 'em together." "Ah." "Hey, hey, we do not leave our shoes on the..." "What the hell?" "We need to get rid of the staple gun." "Alan, staple guns don't staple shoes to coffee tables." "Idiots do." "Why are you taking your temperature?" "I think some little snot locker gave me smallpox." "Oh, man, leave me alone." "Is that Mom?" "You think maybe I might want to talk to her?" "Do you?" "Of course not." "It's the principle." "Well, that wasn't Mom." "It was Herb." "Why is Herb calling?" "Since Judith threw him out, he wants me to help him pick up women." "Wait." "Backupbackupbackupbackup backupbackup!" "Wait." "Judith threw Herb out?" "When?" "I don't know." "Apparently, about a week ago." "Oh, my God." "That's terrible." "Judith must be devastated." "Alan." "Yeah?" "You got a little evil on your face." "Other side." "* Men. *" "Oh, Judith, that's terrible." "You must be devastated." "You must be devastated." "What are you doing here?" "Oh, I'm sorry to bother you." "Apparently, Jake left his Social Studies book, so here I am." "I think I saw it in the bathroom." "Why?" "Was he out of toilet paper?" "Wouldn't it be great if he could learn that way?" "You know, assmosis." "What?" "Nothing." "Is Herb around?" "Uh, no." "Oh." "Oh, too bad." "Why?" "No reason." "I just enjoy seeing the big galoot." "Well, the galoot is not here." "Oh." "Well, uh... tell him I said hi." "I will." "(sobbing)" "Herb moved out!" "Our marriage is over!" "Oh, Judith, that's terrible." "You must be devastated." "* Men. *" "What exactly do you have in mind?" "Give me your hand." "Okay." "Do I feel warm to you?" "Dude!" "Aw, crap." "So, uh, you fishing here or can I throw my bobber in the water?" "Bye." "How'd you know I was here?" "Well, I tried calling, but your phone must be broken, so I went by your house and Jake said you went out." "All I had to do was punch "liquor"" "into the ol' in-dash navigation system, and three stops later, voila." "So, uh, they biting tonight?" "can we stop with the fish talk?" "Believe me, it's not gonna lead anyplace good." "Back to the chickens?" "If we must." "I'll have what he's having." "I'm having a tall Pain in the Ass." "Sounds good." "Does it have rum in it?" "How did this happen?" "How did I blow another marriage?" "Oh, sweetie, you can't blame yourself." "Although you are the common denominator." "Alan, I'm 40 years old." "How am I ever gonna start over again?" "I know, I know." "And soon you're gonna be 41." "Do you have any idea what it's like to try and date when all the men your age are only interested in 25-year-old hard bodies?" "Well, you can't blame us." "Of course, you can't compete hard body to hard body, but you're still a very desirable woman." "You think so?" "Well, of course I do." "For your age, you're a very..." "Hey, Charlie, I've got a question for you." "Yeah." "The hotel I'm staying in has pay-per-view adult movies." "Uh-huh?" "Whatever happened to pubic hair?" "Gone the way of the dodo bird, my friend." "I mean, I can understand with the ladies, but what's the deal with the fellas?" "It's like with an ugly house." "A little shrubbery helps the curb appeal." "I don't have an answer for you, Herb." "What about you?" "Do you trim the old hedges?" "Yeah." "They're shaped like Disney characters." "Two more vodka tonics." "Cock-a-doodle-do." "Hello." "Hello." "Allow me to introduce myself." "Dr. Herbert Melnick." "Ooh, a doctor." "Dr. Charlie Harper." "Wow, two doctors." "Maybe we should let them examine us." "In the interest of full disclosure," "I should let you know that I'm new to the dating world and still have all my original pubic hair." "Oh, Alan, why did I ever let you go?" "Well, if I recall, it was something about me sucking the life out of you." "I was wrong." "I was so wrong." "You are a good man and I'm never gonna let you go again." "Never?" "Never." "Never ever?" "Morning." "Morning." "What was Herb doing here?" "Oh, he, uh..." "He shaved his pubes and passed out in your room." "You might want to change the blade in your razor." "Thank you." "Where were you all night?" "I was in Never Ever Land." "Um... do I want to know?" "I took away the staple gun, but he found the superglue."