"¶ ¶" "EDGAR:" "Gretchen,willyou  please pass the syrup to your boyfriend?" "GRETCHEN:" "Ugh!" "JIMMY:" "We'reeating!" "EDGAR:" "What?" "You're boyfriend-girlfriend now, right?" "GRETCHEN:" "Soundsso high school." "EDGAR:" "Thenwhatdoyoucall each other?" "Your honey?" "Your boo?" "Your companion?" "JIMMY:" "Whatarewe, gay  lovers from the '80s?" "GRETCHEN:" "We'renotcalling each other anything." "We just made a verbal agreement not to sleep with other people." "For now." "JIMMY:" "Inaweek,wecould  remember that monogamy is a social construct free of biological necessity." "GRETCHEN:" "Orwe couldbe invited to a really fun sex party." "Oh..." "Remember group sex, Jimmy?" "Jimmy?" "Remember group sex?" "JIMMY:" "Actually,I've never..." "GRETCHEN:" "What?" "!" "Not even a standard threesome?" "EDGAR:" "Oh,Jimmy." "JIMMY:" "You'vehada threesome?" "EDGAR:" "I 'manadultmalein my 30s, so, yeah." "(Gretchen and Edgar giggle)" "Anyway, uh, Lindsay and I wanted to celebrate y'all making it official, so I made a dinner reservation for four at 8:00." "Oh, hey, I almost forgot." "This package came for you." "JIMMY:" "Hmm." "(door opens, closes)" "EDGAR:" "Thatwasweird." "I guess I should go give him one of my famous Edgar Quintero pep talks." "Wait." "Ha!" "That's your job now." "GRETCHEN:" "What?" "Ew." "Why?" "EDGAR:" "Becauseyou'rehis  lady." "Behind every great man there's a great woman." "Or, you know, someone like you." "Go." "I think it's time you got to know the real Jimmy." "GRETCHEN:" "DoIhaveto?" "EDGAR:" "Mm-hmm." "(Gretchen whimpers)" "¶I 'mgonnaleaveyou anyway" "I'm gonna leave you anyway" "Gonna leave you anyway. ¶" "JIMMY:" "Yes!" "(clears throat)" "You've sold out of my book." "Just goes to show that with patience and strong word of mouth, true literature..." "MANAGER:" "You'vebeen remaindered, Jimmy." "Your books are probably being turned into hamster bedding right now." "JIMMY:" "What?" "!" "Well, that seems premature." "MANAGER:" "Well,if we suddenly get a big rush for it, we can always send people to the dollar bin at Costco." "JIMMY:" "Oh,youwouldbuyyour food in bulk." "Is that the lesbian from" "Roseanne?" "MANAGER:" "Yeah." "Unlike you, she wrote a book that's selling actual copies." "JIMMY:" "Oh,of courseshe did ." "Did they give Darlene a book?" "Let's give Becky Two a book!" "I look forward to your Married with Children cast poetry slam." "GRETCHEN:" "Danafromwork liked my 'gram of the baby sneaker in the gutter." "JIMMY:" "AndherInternet approval is meaningful because...?" "GRETCHEN:" "I likeherand I don't have a lot of female friends." "I think women are intimidated by me because I have mean cartoon eyebrows." "JIMMY:" "Ah." "GRETCHEN:" "So,uh ..." "What's new?" "Listen, if something is bothering you and you want to talk about it, I will listen." "Or if you just want to pretend that nothing happened, that's totally fine, too." "JIMMY:" "Itwasapackagefrom my dad." "Manchester jersey." "I don't even like sports-- especially Manchester, the team that ruined every Saturday of my entire childhood." "Also, I sent him a copy of my book, like, months ago." "He didn't say anything about it." "Instead, he sends me Gareth" "Henderson gear." "GRETCHEN:" "Well,great." "I'm glad you got that off your chest." "Look!" "Lena Dunham's dog got a haircut." "JIMMY:" "I mean,doeshethink that after, what, 30-odd years on this planet, I'm magically going to start sharing his interests in..." "EDGAR:" "Uh,stillwaitingfor our friends." "How are you?" "LINDSAY:" "Nooneeverasks me that!" "But since you did, I cheated on my husband with a 19-year-old named Aiden." "EDGAR:" "Wow." "Do you feel guilty?" "LINDSAY:" "Ooh,goodquestion." "Honestly, I kind of feel like two different people right now." "There's Wife Lindsay who helps" "Paul with gravestone rubbings on his genealogy trips." "And then there's Adulteress" "Lindsay who just wants to sit on everyone's face." "EDGAR:" "SometimesIfeellike  there's Veteran Edgar and" "Regular Edgar." "LINDSAY:" "Sofeelinglikethis  is normal?" "EDGAR:" "Maybe." "Although, I do have a traumatic brain injury." "LINDSAY:" "Me,too!" "EDGAR:" "Huh?" "LINDSAY:" "OnetimeIwasata rave, and I stared at a strobe light so long I forgot how to whistle." "What'd you do today?" "EDGAR:" "Nothing." "LINDSAY:" "Oh,my God!" "Me, too!" "EDGAR:" "WithGretchenaround," "I don't have much to do for" "Jimmy anymore." "I feel this is, like, a new chapter in my friendship with him." "Hey, this is nice." "I can't remember the last time" "Jimmy asked me a question about myself." "LINDSAY:" "I 'vebeentryingto talk to Gretchen about Aiden for days." "EDGAR:" "Weshouldjustignore them tonight until they ask about us." "LINDSAY:" "Ooh,Ilovethat ." "Like an experiment, but without the boring science part, like milligrams and elements and shit." "EDGAR( chuckling):" "Great!" "LINDSAY:" "They'renotshowing up, are they?" "EDGAR:" "I don'tthinkso, no." "JIMMY:" "I wroteanovel,and still there's no response from him." "He's barely literate, so who knows if he could even read it?" "But if he did manage to sound it out, it'd just be nice to hear that he was proud of me." "You know?" "Are you listening to me?" "GRETCHEN:" "What?" "Of course." "I just, I listen better when I have something to do with my hands." "JIMMY:" "Okay." "That bikini top doesn't have straps." "GRETCHEN:" "Oh,goodcall." "My eyes always go straight to the bush." "GRETCHEN:" "I knowit 's,like, my "job" to be there for him, but at one point, I thought he was gonna cry, and I was like," ""This is it." "I'm never going to be able to have sex with him again."" "I just don't think I'm equipped to handle this part of a relationship." "I will sample the Aztec Vanilla." "WALLACE:" "It'sdo-it- yourself now." "One sample cup per customer." "So I bet you guys feel pretty..." "LINDSAY:" "I knowwhatyou mean about emotions." "Ever since I cheated on Paul," "I've been feeling hella guilty." "WALLACE:" "Youcan'treusethe sample cups." "LINDSAY:" "Partof me thinks" "I should just tell Paul." "What do you think?" "WALLACE:" "It'slikeyou guys willfully don't even hear me." "LINDSAY:" "I couldjusttake this one to the grave." "Like Titanic said, a woman's heart is an ocean of secrets." "Right?" "Hello?" "Are you even listening to me?" "GRETCHEN:" "Yes,totally." "I just listen better when I have something to do with my mouth." "LINDSAY:" "So,whatdoyou think I should do?" "GRETCHEN:" "Honestly,Linds," "I wasn't gonna say anything, but" "I can't take it anymore." "First, you get these new" "Berkin-toting Westside friends with fake teeth and even faker tits." "And then the minute I get a..." "LINDSAY:" "Boyfriend." "GRETCHEN:" "Ugh!" "As soon as Jimmy and I become a thing, you go out and start taking dicks." "Can you imagine how abandoned" "I feel?" "LINDSAY:" "I 'msorry,Gretchen." "Wait, why am I apologizing to you?" "You stood me up last night." "DANA:" "Hey,bitch!" "GRETCHEN:" "Hi." "DANA:" "Readyto go backto work?" "LINDSAY:" "Um,whoisthis ?" "GRETCHEN:" "Thisis my work wife, Dana." "DANA:" "Hi." "LINDSAY:" "You'rework-married?" "DANA:" "Comeon ,wifey." "There is ice cream cake in the office kitchen." "GRETCHEN:" "Cake?" "Eat a dick, yogurt." "Bye, Linds." "DANA:" "Bye!" "WALLACE:" "Ma'am,couldyou not  do that?" "Can you just buy something?" "LINDSAY:" "I can'tbelievethey flaked again." "Why are they treating us like this?" "EDGAR:" "Lindsay,Ithinkwe're sidekicks." "LINDSAY:" "Ew,Iamnot a sidekick." "I'm Beyoncé, not Kelly Rowland." "If I'm on a motorcycle, I'm driving the motorcycle, not riding in that shitty little side motorcycle thingie for poor people and dogs." "EDGAR:" "Thinkaboutit." "In your relationship with" "Gretchen, are you the Mary Tyler" "Moore or the Rhoda?" "LINDSAY:" "Whoarethose people?" "They sound ugly." "EDGAR:" "Okay,uh ,in Flipping" "Outon-onBravo..." "LINDSAY:" "Ooh!" "EDGAR:...areyouthe Jeff" "Lewis or the-the Jenni We Don't" "Know Her Last Name?" "LINDSAY:" "Oh,my God!" "I am totally the Jenni We Don't" "Know Her Last Name." "Actually, I do-- it's Pulos." "I'm a big fan." "GRETCHEN:" "Yes." "Okay." "Oh, I..." "I'm not gonna tell him that." "Okay." "Bye." "That was Lindsay." "She wants us to get dinner with them tonight." "Since we flaked last night, we should probably go." "JIMMY:" "Whatever." "As long as they have booze." "GRETCHEN:" "Aw." "Cheer up, Jimster." "Or you could just really wallow in it." "We could listen to some..." "The Smiths." "They're sad and English, too." "Or I could read you a little, uh, Jude the Obscure." "(British accent):" "I hope our kids don't hang themselves because we're poor." "I know what will cheer you up!" "We can do it backwards while you watch foot fetish anime." "JIMMY:" "Pass." "(Gretchen sighs)" "GRETCHEN:" "Well,Igot togo to happy hour with Dana." "If you think you're gonna kill yourself, remember there is a hotline for that or, you know, just text me." "(door opens, closes)" "SANDRABERNHARD:"WhenIwas little, I never fantasized about having a baby of my own, unless we were playing war." "I might grab someone else's child and run with them through the forest and hide them in a bramble." "I wasn't like other girls, the ones who know from the start that they will be mothers, daydreaming about wedding days and lacy veils." "They knew Daddy would walk them down the aisle, give them away." "For me, it was not so, an observer... not a participant."" "(applause)" "DANA:" "Oh,girl,heissuper  hot." "GRETCHEN:" "Really?" "Sometimes I think he looks like he's straight out of a Swedish vampire movie." "DANA:" "No,he 'sapieceof sex." "No surprise, though-- 'cause you're gorgeous." "GRETCHEN:" "Aw,thanks." "DANA:" "So,tellmeaboutthe boyfriend-- what's his deal?" "GRETCHEN:" "Wedon'treallyuse that term, but, uh, he's a writer, he's British... he's usually very funny, but he's been super depressed lately." "DANA:" "EverydudeI'vedated cannot handle being sad for, like, a second." "Can you imagine not being able to fully experience your emotions?" "GRETCHEN:" "No." "Well, we have a dinner later;" "I have to see if I can get him to rally." "DANA:" "I shouldheadout , too." "I'll give you a ride." "GRETCHEN:" "Okay." "SANDRA:" "Thankyou." "JIMMY:" "I cameheretonightto heckle you." "And it would have been scathing." "But I decided against it based on the strength of your work." "And I wanted to share that compliment." "And also have you sign this, please?" "SANDRA:" "Whatwereyour heckles?" "JIMMY:" "Oh,uh ..." "All right. (chuckles)" ""Look!" "There's the second worst thing about the '80s-- after Reagan's trickle-down economics, which immediately caused a 10.8% rise in unemployment and an explosion in income inequality."" "Just stuff like that." "SANDRA:" "Whodo youwantthis  made out to?" "JIMMY:" "Oh,um ..." ""To Ronny Overly, a father whose sole connection to his son is that he never connected with his father..."" "SANDRA:" Yo,Ron." "So glad I have a big fan in the UK." "Love, Sandra."" "JIMMY:" "Thankyou." "I'm actually an author myself." "Congratulations,You'reDying." "Perhaps you've heard of it?" "SANDRA:" "Theycarryithere ?" "JIMMY:" "Bookstoremanager?" "Sandra Bernhard here is interested in purchasing my book." "MANAGER:" "I 'msorry." "As Jimmy knows, he's been remaindered." "SANDRA:" "That'ssuchawaste of money." "JIMMY:" "Thankyou!" "It's a travesty." "SANDRA:" "Youknowwhatthey  should have done?" "JIMMY:" "Yeah?" "SANDRA:" "Theyshould'vetaken all the books they printed and thrown them directly into a hobo trash can fire." "It would have saved a lot on shipping costs." "JIMMY:" "You'rean asshole..." "Man-dra Butt..." "Buttfart." "SANDRA:" "Wow." "Is thatone of your previously written heckles, or was that just off the cuff?" "JIMMY:" "Toothgap!" "Some-Something about your tooth gap." "MANAGER:" "Enough,Jimmy." "Philippe!" "JIMMY:" "Whatthe...?" "!" "Don't you touch me, Philippe!" "I'm going." "MANAGER:" "I amso sorry." "GRETCHEN:" "Yeah,it 'sreally pretty, huh?" "DANA:" "Mm." "Ilovethat ." "GRETCHEN:" "I 'minit forthe  money, just... (indistinct conversation)" "DANA:" "IsthatNancyfrom" "Roseanne?" "(Dana and Gretchen laugh)" "JIMMY:" "Don'twanttotalk  about it." "GRETCHEN:" "Jimmy,thisisDana  from work." "DANA:" "Hi." "I've heard... so much about you." "You weren't lying." "He is like a sexy Swedish vampire." "JIMMY:" "Sorry,ladies." "I'm-I'm..." "I'm going to bed." "GRETCHEN:" "Thissucks." "I need to snap him out of it somehow." "DANA:" "Justbangthe shitout of him, dummy." "GRETCHEN:" "I tried!" "I'm sorry, Dana." "This is not how you should be spending your night." "You are way too fun and beautiful and spontaneous." "You should just go." "DANA:" "Doyouwantmeto stay?" "GRETCHEN:" "Well,maybewe could go down there and..." "Oh, my God, I just had the craziest idea." "DANA:" "What?" "You can just ask me to have a threesome." "GRETCHEN:" "What?" "!" "(laughing):" "What?" "That is bananas." "What are you even talking about?" "Can you imagine?" "Are you serious?" "DANA:" "Sure." "GRETCHEN:" "Okay." "DANA:" "Okay." "GRETCHEN:" "Okay!" "(Gretchen laughs)" "Oh, this is awesome." "This is guaranteed to cheer him up." "He has never had a threesome before." "DANA:" "Didhe nevergoto middle school?" "GRETCHEN:" "Right?" "GRETCHEN:" "Jimmy." "How you doing, buddy?" "We just wanted to make sure that you are doing okay." "JIMMY:" "I 'mfine,yeah." "DANA:" "Well,we justwantedto make sure that you were extra fine." "(slow, sultry music playing)" "¶ ¶" "JIMMY:" "Uh..." "GRETCHEN:" "Isthat...?" "You came already?" "!" "DANA:" "Ugh." "JIMMY:" "Uh..." "DANA:" "I guessthisshowgot a little bit too sexy for you." "GRETCHEN:" "What?" "It's his first time." "Maybe he got a little overexcited." "JIMMY:" "No,Ididn't." "In fact, the joke's on you." "This is from a couple of minutes ago before you guys even came down." "DANA:" "Oh,my God." "GRETCHEN:" "Holdon ." "So, you masturbated to completion in the literally one minute from the time you left upstairs to this moment?" "JIMMY:" "I startedat thetop  of the stairs." "What?" "I couldn't help it." "You're both so beautiful, and I started thinking about how you guys must have hugged earlier tonight, and when you did, did your... did your boobies get all, like, "squozen" together?" "DANA:" "Andthenyou justlaid  there in it?" "JIMMY:" "Shutup ..." "Dana!" "I was enjoying the afterglow!" "I didn't think you'd actually come down here, you giant weirdo." "DANA:" "Youmasturbatedwhile walking down the stairs carrying a giant Sandra Bernhard standee, and I'm the weirdo?" "!" "JIMMY:" "What?" "DANA:" "Yeah,Igot togo." "JIMMY:" "Oh,no ." "Wait!" "GRETCHEN:" "No." "Wait!" "Well, now I get why you've never had a threesome." "Dumb-ass." "Dana?" "LINDSAY:" "I 'msurethey'llbe here any minute." "JIMMY:" "What'sthematter?" "GRETCHEN:" "I can'tbelieveI finally made a new friend, and I tried to bang her the first time we hung out." "I suck at girls, Jimmy." "All the way back to the fourth grade when everyone was mean to me because I was the first person to grow boobs." "Whatever, Jessica Olsen." "You're still flat as shit." "I guess I'm still that sad little ten-year-old girl sometimes, wishing someone would sit next to me on the side..." "JIMMY:" "Oh,my God,willyou stop?" "GRETCHEN:" "What?" "JIMMY:" "Nooffense,but you 're kind of making my skin crawl." "GRETCHEN:( scoffs)Wow." "Sorry." "JIMMY:" "I 'mnotcomfortable with... feelings." "GRETCHEN:" "I listenedto you blathering on about "Ooh, me" "Da."" "JIMMY:( laughs)That'sIrish, dumb-dumb." "And you didn't listen." "You played Photo Hunt." "And quite poorly, for the record." "I don't know why I started unloading on you like that." "I don't do... feelings." "GRETCHEN:" "Whatthehellis wrong with us?" "JIMMY:" "Nothing." "We should celebrate." "We found someone who is equally dead inside." "GRETCHEN:" "Let'smakeapact  never to feel anything around each other ever again." "Deal?" "JIMMY:" "Deal." "GRETCHEN:" "I can'tbelieve you've been my boyfriend for, like, three days, and we already had to bring in a third party." "What?" "JIMMY:" "Youjustsaid" ""boyfriend."" "GRETCHEN:" "Oh,whatever." "It's... it's economical, okay?" "JIMMY:" "Sure." "God, you have issues." "GRETCHEN:" "Youarethe one who  cried over a soccer jersey." "Ooh." "Actually... that is kind of hot." "You look like a soccer hooligan." "JIMMY:" "Yeah?" "GRETCHEN:" "I alwayshada thing for jocks, you know?" "JIMMY:" "Mmm..." "Hey, uh, we can pop inside and do it quick before we head to the diner, right?" "GRETCHEN:" "Oh,yeah." "Oh, 15 minutes, tops. (laughs)" "Captioned by" "MediaAccessGroupatWGBH  access.wgbh.org" "¶TwoWords!" "Rock, chalk, shot a jayhawk" "Never been to jail" "¶ 'Cause I never get caught" "I got smarts" "Dark, dangerous dog" "¶ ODB got it" "Right from the start" "You got one and you changed" "¶ From crazy to calm" "I've been awake for days" "In the dusk and the dawn" "¶ And you're loving me" "Whether you want to or not" "Well, I want you for sure" "¶ I am loving you more" "I am loving you more... ¶"