"Subtitles by demonseye" "Oh, I'm so full." "You were right, I shouldn't have eaten all that bread." "Wanna split a dessert?" "You okay?" "You seem a little off." "Yeah, I'm just trying to think about what I want." "Yeah, me too." "Why don't we just say it at the same time?" "One, two, three..." " I want a divorce." " Creme brulee." " You can't get away." " Aah!" "It's okay, that's my fault." "Come on, let's get you to bed before your parents get home." "No puppy eyes, you little maniac." "Go brush your teeth." "Aren't you gonna say anything?" "Almost 25 years of marriage and... you've nothing to say?" "Robbie." "Hey, Robbie, have you seen Molly's homework?" " Get out." " Oh, my God." " Close the door." " Um..." "Okay, Robbie, I'm really sorry, and I didn't see anything." "Oh, my God." "Okay." "You're not talking, and you know that only makes me talk more." "You know, I mean, but maybe that's good, you know?" "Cause maybe I'll just say it." "Maybe..." "Maybe I'll just tell you I slept with someone." "David Lindhagen." "From work." " You met him at the Christmas party." " Please, stop." "The last person in the world that I'd wanna hurt is you." "If you keep talking, I'm gonna get out of the car." "I think the fact that I did it, it just shows how broken we are." " Okay." " How much... how much we really..." "Cal!" "Oh, my God!" "Cal!" "Are you okay?" "I'll leave tonight." "I'll sign whatever you want." "Just please stop talking about it." "Okay." "I'm sorry you had to see that." "No, you know, I should have knocked." "Just for the record, I think about you while I do it." " Robbie." " I have this picture of you..." " and I look at it the whole time." " Stop it." "I love you..." "Jessica." "I am actually begging you to stop it." "I know you're 17, and I know I just turned 13, which is the same age as your little brother." "But... soon our age difference won't even matter." "Which is good, because..." "I'm pretty sure you're my soul mate." "Okay, um..." " Listen, Robbie..." " We're home." " Shit." " Hey." "Hey, Mr. And Mrs. Weaver, how was...?" "Oh, my God." "Uh, what happened?" "Mrs. Weaver said she wanted a divorce, and I jumped out of the car." " Cal..." " Well..." "Honey... but Cal..." " Kids good?" "Everybody good?" " Dad?" " Oh." " Oh." "Hey, buddy, I didn't see you standing there." " You're getting a divorce?" " Well, yes." "Uh, so, uh, Jess, did Molly get through dinner okay?" "Yeah, yeah, she's..." " You jumped out of a moving car?" " I did." "I jumped out of a moving car." " Did she fight you on broccoli?" " No, she didn't." "She always fights me on broccoli." " I'm sorry you had to find out this way." " Sorry you jumped out of a car." " I'm sorry if she fought you on the broccoli." " It's okay." "I don't have any money." "Uh, sweetheart?" "Let's go to bed, okay?" "Listen, why don't you grab your coat?" "I'll drive you home." "All right." "I don't care." "I love him." "I really do." "And, given the opportunity..." "Yes, I would have his babies." "Seriously?" "Conan O'Brien?" "You would do Conan O'Brien?" "Oh, my God, yes." "Ew." "Friend to friend, ew." "I don't know." "Your life is so PG-13." " My life is not PG-13." " Oh, it so is." " No, it's not." " Yes, it is." "You've never left L.A. You pass the bar, you're gonna be what, a patent lawyer?" "Probably married to... that human Valium, Richard." "I just..." "Listen, I worry about you, is all." "So much potential and you've resorted to fantasizing about Conan "Ginger Junk" O'Brien." " He is funny." " He looks like a carrot, honey." "Who looks like a carrot?" "Hi." "Who looks like a carrot?" "Conan O'Brien." "My friend, um, Hannah here thinks he's sexy." "That's weird, because I think that your friend Hannah is really sexy." "Oh, my God." "You did not just say that." "How old are you?" " What are you, a lawyer?" " Yeah." "A little bit." " Come on." " I know." " You are?" "Is she?" " Gonna be." "Don't you think you're a little old to be using cheesy pickup lines?" "Objection." "Leading the witness." "Well, handy, you're really wearing that dress like you're doing it a favor." " Oh, God." " That's a line." "Me sitting over there for the past two hours not being able to take my eyes off you is a fact." "I mean, there's lots of beautiful women in this bar." "Your friend included." "Hi." "I love you." "But I can't take my eyes off of you." "That's a fact, it's not a line." "I find you very attractive." "Do you find me attractive?" " She does." " I don't." " Tsk." "You do." "She does." " Yes, she does." " I d..." "I don't." " You do." " You do." " I don't." " Hannah, can I buy you a drink?" " No." " You say no a lot, don't you?" " No." "Oh, boy." "Permission to approach the bench?" "Seriously?" "Just, come on, let me..." "let me deliver my closing argument." "Sure." "Proceed." " Hannah." "We live in a physical world, right?" " Uh-huh." " And you're going to age, right?" " Mm-hm." "I guarantee you this:" "You're never gonna regret going home with that guy from the bar that one time that was a total tomcat in the sack." "But I can't guarantee that you won't not regret it." " That was a double negative." " You're a double negative." "Okay." "Hannah, can I buy you a drink?" "Okay." "It's..." "You know what?" "It's time to go home." " Really?" " Mm-hm." "That's forward of you, but okay." "I'll do it." "I TiVoed "Saw III"." "So, should I get my car or yours?" "Should I pull the car around?" "You been drinking?" "I'll drive." " Liz?" " Coming." " I'll have to call Nanna." " Huh?" "Oh." "Noth..." "So Stanford, huh?" "Good for you." "That's great." "I know your dad's really proud." "Yeah." "Yeah, he's..." " Are you sure you're okay?" " David Lindhagen, God." "Okay." "I'm sorry." "Sorry about that." "It's okay." "Um..." " Mr. Weaver?" " Hm?" "Um..." "You're the nicest..." "dad that I babysit..." "Of all the, um..." "You're really nice." " That's very nice." " And, um..." "I like Ms. Weaver, I like her a lot." "Okay?" "But if she wants to divorce you... then I think she's batshit crazy." "Mm." " Sorry." " Okay." "Okay." "I hope this doesn't make you uncomfortable." " I've developed, like, a little crush..." " Could you do me a favor?" "Would you not mention to your parents that Mrs. Weaver and I are, you know..." "It's something we wanna tell them on our own, okay?" "Yeah." "Thank you, I appreciate that." "Have a good night." " Another vodka cranberry?" " I'm sorry." "What?" " Another vodka cranberry?" " Oh, yeah." "Yes, thanks." "I've been by this place a million times, never come in." "It's nice, lot of pretty girls." " Hey, guess what." " What?" "My wife is having intercourse with someone who is not me." "Um, I'm sorry to hear that." "Oh." "Thank you." "That is very nice of you to say." "Very, very nice." "She just told me." "I just found out, so I'm a little raw." "It's..." "It's..." "Ah, okay." "Well, you're not listening." "Okay." "You wouldn't ignore me if I were David Lindhagen." "My wife doesn't ignore David Lindhagen." "She screws him." "Screws him." "They make this, like, gurgling sound, it's like:" "Gay." " Hey, Cal." " Hey." "Hey." "Oh, I just, uh..." "I got the report on the end-of-year financials." " Good." " Oh, good." "Good, good." "Really great." " You killed this, uh, quarter." " Okay." " Cal, seriously." " All right." " Okay." " Seriously." "Who told you that Emily and I are getting divorced?" " You're getting a divorce?" " Yeah." "Amy heard you crying in the bathroom." "We all thought it was cancer." " Oh." " Thank God, man." "Yeah, just my relationship." " Thank God." " Oh..." "Divorce." " I'm so lucky." " You are." " I have to go pick out furniture now." " Okay, okay." "You go for it." "It could have been cancer, buddy." "Hey, everyone, it's just a divorce." "All right, buddy." "Thanks." "Feels good." "Cal?" "I just wanted to say..." "Shit." "Can I back that thing out of the driveway for you?" " Oh, no." "I'll be fine." " You have trouble in reverse, is all." "When I get settled, the kids can come and take a look at my new place." "I think I'm having a midlife crisis, maybe." "Can... women have midlife crises?" "In the movies it's always men having them and buying ridiculous yellow Porsches but, you know, I'm not a man." "Fertilizer." "You gotta be..." "Be sure to fertilize all this." "We got married so young, Cal." "And now I'm 44." "And it's so much older than I thought I'd be." "There's a... a turnoff valve for the sprinklers over there." "Last week, you know, when I told you that I had to work late," "I really went to see the new "Twilight" movie by myself." "I don't know why I did that." "And it was so bad, Cal." "It keeps raining like this, you might wanna turn off the automatic setting." "And we haven't been us." "Not for a long time." "And I..." "I don't know when you and I stopped being us." "I mean, do you?" "Maybe it's when you screwed David Lindhagen." "Hey." "Sorry I'm late, I had to pick something up at Macy's." " Oh." "Don't even worry about it." " A chardonnay." "I'm just glad you're here." "Wow." "I don't know." "I don't know what happened." "Tough couple of days." "You know, when you don't see something coming..." "Claire said I can't be friends with you anymore." "What?" "She said we had to choose between you and Emily." "I chose you." "But she said no." "It's cologne." "Bernie?" " Are you breaking up with me, Bernie?" " There's a gift receipt in there also." "Bernie?" "Bernie." "Bernie." "You know a word that is not used very often anymore?" ""Cuckold."" "I'm a cuckold." "David Lindhagen cuckolded me." "He made a cuckold out of me." "He slept with my wife." "And I didn't know about it." "And that is the definition of cuckoldom." "David Lindhagen took my wife and slept with her." "Thought I did everything right." "Got married, had kids, the house." "What do I get for it?" "I get cuckolded." "David Lindhagen cuckolded me." "He made a cuckold out of me." "Welcome to my spaceship" "Can you give me five minutes with this guy?" "Interesting." "Hey." "Jacob Palmer." " Cal Weaver." " Let me buy you a drink, Cal." " Thanks, I already have a drink." " Hey, Cal, sit down." "I'd like to buy you a drink." "Okay." "Guess what." " My wife is having an affair with..." " David Lindhagen." "David Lindhagen." "I know." " How do I know that?" " I don't know." "I'm a total stranger." "How would I know something so intimate about your wife?" " David Lindhagen screwing with your wife too?" " No." " Hm." " You wanna know why I know that, Cal?" "Okay." "Cause it's all that I've heard, Cal, for the past two nights." "It's all anybody's heard." "You're going around and you're like... you're like badgering people with this sad-sack loser sob story" " and I don't understand why." " I don't need this crap." " Cal, sit down." " All right." "Look, I know that it sounds harsh, but it's true." "And you need to hear the truth." "Okay?" "Okay." "Cal, would you take that straw out of your mouth?" "Please." "Just for this conversation, you know what that looks like?" "Looks like you're sucking on a tiny schwantz." "Is that what you want?" "Is that the message you wanna send to everybody?" " No one's thinking that." " Really?" " So, permission to speak candidly, sir." " Uh, think you've already gone there." "You're sitting there with a Supercuts haircut, you're getting drunk on watered-down vodka cranberries like a 14-year-old girl and you're wearing a 44 when you should be wearing a 42 regular." "Honestly, I don't know if I should help you or I should euthanize you." "Cal, you got a kind face." "You got a good head of hair." "You seem like a nice guy." "I wanna help you." "I'm gonna help you rediscover your manhood." "Do you have any idea, like, where... you lost it?" " A strong case could be made for 1984." " Well." "We're gonna find it." "We are." "I promise you." "And I promise you this too, Cal:" "When we're done... this wife of yours... she's gonna rue the day she ever decided to give up on you." "That's my offer." "You in or you out?" " Why are you doing this?" " Maybe you remind me of someone." "You in or you out?" "I'm in." "Hey, fancy face, you wanna go?" "Okay." "Century City Mall, food court, 3 o'clock, Thursday." "After you, hon." "Good night, fancy face." "She will rue the day." "Set you guys up with some snacks over here." "TV's already on." "You okay?" "Mm." "Yeah." "You?" "Mm." "Can I tell you somethin'?" "Love sucks." "Yeah." "You in love, buddy?" " Well, if you must know..." " Ding-dong." " Oh, hey, Jess." "Thanks for coming by." " Hey." "Yeah." "What is she doing here?" "Guys, I have to step out for a couple of minutes." "Okay?" "All right?" "Okay." "Your mom wants you to stay while she's out hooking." " What?" " What?" "!" "Oh." "Um, the place is..." "nice, Mr. Weaver." "Thanks." "That's a very generous adjective." " Honey." " I don't need a babysitter." "She's only four years older than me." "You need to know that." " She needs to know that." " I know, I know, I know, I know." "Man, are you growing up." "Look at 'im." "It's unbelievable." "He's in love already." "Oh." "Molly." "Say bye to daddy." " Wait, where are you going?" " I'm taking a class." " That is great, Mr. Weaver." " Thank you." "Man, this is a difficult time for you, right?" "And it's important to... try new things." "Even things that you haven't considered trying before." "Mm-hm." "Yup." "Molly, I'm going." "Okay." "That's my princess." "Bye." "Thanks." " No, but wait." "Dad..." " Bye, guys." "See you in a bit." "Hey..." "Tiger." " I love you so, so much." " Jeez, Robbie." "I love you so much." "Please?" "What the hell am I doing?" "What am I doing?" "Hey, uh, everybody." "Everybody." "Uh, if I could..." "Thank you." "Uh.." "A little toast." "I would like to thank you all for coming to, uh, Hannah Banana's goodbye party." "And, uh, to my  Hannah Banana." "You go into your cave and you study your butt off." "Because if you do, I just know that you are gonna kick that bar's butt..." " ...out of here." "You know?" " Yeah." "You know, it reminds me of an old story my law professor told me..." "Oh, dear God." "Cheers, everyone." "Cheers." "Oh, hey, Liz." "Listen, um, when my girl here passes..." "I'm gonna have another little celebration right here... and I hope you can make it, because it's gonna be a special night." "Okay." " Did you hear that?" " Hear what?" " You heard that?" " What?" " "Special night"?" " Yeah." "Yeah." "You think he's gonna propose?" "At the El Torito Grill?" "God, I hope not." "Why, do you want him to?" "I don't know, he's nice." ""He's ni..."?" "Hannah." "He's a sweetheart." "Look at him." " He bcc'd you?" " Right, yeah." "All right." "Hannah, look at you." "Look at you." "If you end up with that, what am I gonna end up with?" " Shut up." " That shit's depressing." "Oh, come on." "All right." "You know what?" "I have to..." "I have to not big-sister you." "It's fine if..." "Jesus, really?" "No." "No." "Not my life." "Not my life." "I'm going." "Okay?" "So, uh, call me if you need anything." "Bye." "You're awful." "Bye." "Thank you for coming." "Um..." " You're late." " Yeah." "Sorry." " Sbarro's?" " No, thanks." "Let me ask a question, Cal." "How much money you got today for clothes?" "Um..." " What happened to your feet?" " What do you mean?" " These are my 407s." " Oh, they're 407s." " Can I see them?" " Yeah." " These offer a lot of support." " Right." "Whoa." "Come on." " What, are you in a fraternity?" " Are you insane?" "Are you in a fraternity?" "You could have hit somebody." "What was that?" " I'm asking a question." "You in a fraternity?" " No." " Are you Steve Jobs?" " What?" "Hold on a second." "You the billionaire owner of Apple Computers?" " No." " Oh." "Okay." "Well, in that case, you got no right to wear New Balance sneakers ever." " Come on." " Mm..." "Oh..." "Okay." "All right." "One of the best parts about being a guy your age..." "Frankly, there aren't many, so..." "you should really take full advantage of it." "Uh-huh." "... is that you can rebuild your entire wardrobe with, like, 16 items." "Credit card." "What?" "You see, the problem is that your head has like... like the proportions of, like, a styrofoam peanut." "The skin under your eyes is starting to look like Hugh Hefner's ball sac." "It does." "Where are your wallets?" " I think I'm set for jeans." " No, you're not set for jeans, Cal." " These are fine." " They're not fine." " You have a mom butt." "Is that what you want?" " Why don't we just go to the Gap?" "You know what?" "They have a s..." "Okay." "What are you doing?" "Cal, be better than the Gap." "Be better than the Gap." "Say it." "I'm better than the Gap." " Come on." " God." " Stop slapping me." "Really." " Okay." "You're beautiful." "He likes to slap me in the face." " What are you doing later?" " I don't know." " I do." " Do you?" "I know exactly what you're doing." "Seriously?" "Seriously?" " You ask her out like that?" " Yeah." "And that worked?" "Yeah." "Feeling kind of stupid, but..." "Wow." "Look at you." "Feel like I'm going skiing." " Would you sleep with him?" " Jesus, God." " Yeah, probably." " Wha...?" "You would?" "That's..." "What?" "What are you even saying?" "You see what just happened, Cal?" "Soon as you opened your mouth, Tiffany started doubting whether she wanted to sleep with you or not." "That's probably the meanest thing anyone's ever said to me." "No." "This is." "Your wife cheated on you because you lost sight of who you are as a man, as a husband, and probably as a lover." "You're right, that's meaner." "So, let's talk about how many women you've been with." " Sexually?" " Yeah, no." "I mean break-dance fighting." "One." "No." "Not at one time." "How many in total?" "Don't say it." "Don't say it." "We met in high school, okay?" "Oh, boy." "You're kidding me." "One woman?" "That's great." " Emily is beautiful." " I guess." "She was gorgeous." "She was one of those women that could be wildly sexy and unbelievably cute all at the same time." "Oh, boy." "We had a little blip senior year..." "I literally stopped listening at "Emily."" "I think we should just start approaching women tonight." "Are you ready to go?" "I miss my wife." " Hi." " Hi." " How are you?" " Good." "How are you?" "I'm great." "I'm Jacob." "What's your name?" " Amy Johnson." " Amy Johnson." " I'm Jacob Palmer." "How you doing?" " Uh, great." " Good." " I'm Cal." "No." "Not yet." " Sorry." "Amy, can I buy you a drink?" " Uh-huh." " Would you keep her company for a minute?" " Of course." "Okay." " I'd be happy to." " If he gets handsy, let me know." "I wouldn't touch you if my life depended on it." " Uh, what was your name?" " Cal Weaver." " Cal Weaver." " No relation to Dennis Weaver." " Uh..." " McCloud." "Uhh..." "McCloud was a show in the '70s that..." "You're not talking about McCloud again, are you?" "Here we go, huh?" "To all of our fallen homies." "Well, I'm the fourth of five sisters." " No." "That's-that's boring." " Oh." "Not for your sisters, but for my purposes, it is not gonna work." " Okay." " I have this friend." "And he thinks that you're way too pretty to be interesting and that's hogwash." "Yeah." " All right." "You wanna get outta here?" " Uh, sure." "Giddyup." "Am I boring you?" "I'm totally boring you." "I'm just say..." "How are you doing this, like wildly sexy but unbelievably cute thing that you're doing?" " Uh..." " It's weird." " You wanna get outta here?" " Yeah." " Okay." " Cool." "So, Molly, who's 6 at the time, can't find Mr. Bobo." "We're looking all over." "It's in the kitchen." "Mr. Bobo was in the kitchen the whole time." "Wanna get outta here?" "Have a good night." " Let's get outta here." " Yeah." " Let's get outta here." " Okay." " Let's get outta here." " Absolutely." " Let's getta here." " Okay." "Shit." " You have a second?" " Oh!" "Hey, David." "No." "Cause I'm-I'm swamped." "You ran in the other direction when you saw me coming down the hall yesterday." " You're very fast, by the way." " I ran track in high school." "That must be it." "Hey, listen, uh..." "I'm sorry about you and Cal." " No, you're not." " No, I'm not." "I like you, Emily." "Do you have any idea how much I like you?" "Hey, David, you know, I really have a lot to do." "I had no intention of falling for a married woman but all of a sudden we're having lunch and I'm-I'm this accountant who's... waking up every morning excited to go to work." "And that just does not happen for accountants." "Ever." "I-I checked with other accountants." "David, you know what?" "You've been a great friend." "And you noticed last month when I got my hair trimmed and that was huge." "But look, trust me." "You know..." "I am saving you from disaster, because you're asking to pre-board the Titanic." "Do you really want any part of this?" "Do I really want any part of this?" " Emily?" "Your report's ready." " Okay." "Okay, people." "Here it is." ""The Scarlet Letter" by Nathaniel Hawthorne." "A romance set in Salem in the 1600s." "It is about sin." "Forced to wear the scarlet A to punish her adulterous behavior." "Dimmesdale's A is inflicted upon himself in the form of a..." "Mr. Weaver." "Mr. Weaver." "Are we interrupting?" "You wanna talk about The Scarlet Letter, Ms. Tafferty?" "All right." "Well, the A they're both wearing..." "I think it stands for "asshole"." "Wanna know why?" "Because they fell in love and love is for stupid assholes." "And this book is just about a bunch of assholes who fell in love, like assholes, then had to die, like assholes." "I'm sorry about all the "assholes"." "You know what else might work?" "A swear jar." "You know, a quarter per curse word." "Yeah, we'll definitely try that." "All right." "Could help." " Take care." " Thanks." " Seriously?" " Sorry." "Hey, I have to go back to the office." "So you're gonna have to wait for me there." "Fine." "They're still making kids read "The Scarlet Letter", huh?" "Yep." "You'd think somebody would have written something better by now." "I guess I should take that down, huh?" "I guess." "So how is he?" "You know." "I mean, I..." "Oh, no." "I'm sorry." "Forget it." "Just ignore me." " Forget I ever..." " He's out a lot." " A lot?" " Yeah." "Like..." "Like "a lot" a lot, or just like "a little"?" "A lot." "Well, that's good." "That's... that's really good." " Wanna get takeout tonight, honey?" " I mean, he's sad." "I can tell that he's sad." "Even though... he looks better," "I can still tell... that he's not... happy, you know?" "Yeah." "Well, you know." "Yeah." " I guess I'm pretty sad too." " I know." "I heard you crying in the bedroom the other night." "Didn't know what to do." "Oh, Robbie, baby, you're 13, you're not supposed to know what to do." "I tried Googling it." " You did not." " Yep." "I did." " Well, what did you Google?" " I searched "Mom crying in bed"." "Wh-what did Google say?" "Just a... bunch of weird videos of moms in bed." "Ugh." "Oh, God." "Okay." "All right, that's enough." "No more." "Do those parental controls work at all?" "They work for me." "Because you're a disgusting teenager, that's why." " Hey." " Oh, hey." " Bill wants to see you before you take off." " Oh." "Uh, David, this is my son, Robbie." "Robbie, this is David." " Um, we work together." " How you doing, buddy?" " You all right to wait a little bit?" " Yeah." "Okay." "Thanks, David." "So, Robbie, I hear you're quite the soccer player." "So, David, I hear you broke up my parents' marriage." " You are David Lindhagen, right?" " Lindhagen." " Yeah." "Here's the thing, Lindhagen." " Hagen." "Whatever." "In the end, she winds up back with my dad." "He's a better guy than you are in every category." "And she still loves him." "He's not gonna give up on my mom just like I'm not gonna stop sending Jessica text messages that make her feel uncomfortable." "Hey." "You ready to go, honey?" " Mom, can we order Chinese for dinner tonight?" " Yeah." "Sure, honey." "Hi, David." "Get your stuff." " Bye, David." " See you." "You're not gonna be able to feel your arms in the mornin'." "I'll be fine." "Jesus Christ." "Look, let's face it, Cal, all right?" "The war between the sexes is over." "We won." "Okay?" "We won the second women started doing pole dancing for exercise." "But even though we won, they still deserve our respect." "You know, make 'em feel beautiful, actually listen to their problems, open the door for them." "Would you put on some clothes, please?" " Oh, I'm sorry, is this bothering you?" " No, it's not." "Cal, my schwantz is in your face for 20 minutes." "If it's not bothering you, we got a bigger problem." " Okay, it bothers me." " I don't care." "You gotta take control of your manhood, pal." "You know?" "You want something, you take it." "You don't like something, you say it." "I take what I want." "David Lindhagen, he certainly took what he wanted, didn't he?" "And I can guarantee you this:" "He is opening the car door for your wife right now." "What, you passing out?" "Oh, boy." " I think you're ready, pal." " For what?" "To talk to a pretty lady, and..." "take her home and... show her your gift." "No." "No, I'm not." "You're ready as you're ever gonna be." "You play your strengths, pal." "That's all any of us can do." "I'm mysterious." "I'm... you know, good in bed." "And you're... you are a... uhh... you know, stable employed adult." "Jesus." "You see this... this lady over here at 9 o'clock?" "You want me to hit on her?" "No, I wanna hit on her." "The one behind 'er." "Oh." " She's a total fox, right?" " Mm-hm." "You think she came to a crowded bar to have a quiet drink alone?" "She's hunting." "She's just looking for an opportunity to settle for a responsible and stable adult." "And I'd like her to settle for you." "Oh." "Well, thank you for the ego boost, but you know what?" "Just because I've watched you pick up women doesn't mean that I know how to pick up women." " Ever see "Karate Kid"?" " What does that have to do with anything?" "You know, when he's teaching him to wax on and off but he's really teaching him to fight?" "You want me to fight someone?" "What's the first thing I do when I go up to a girl?" "I buy her a drink." "Yes, always." "Without fail." "You buy her a drink." "Even if she doesn't want one, you insist." " And do I talk about myself?" " Never." "Never about yourself, always about her her." " Because bar banter..." " ... is boring." "So you put the impetus on her." "She has to be the interesting one." ""Impress me." "Impress me with... how interesting you are."" "It's a big game." "Game." "Creepy, creepy little game you play." " Oh, that's judgmental, isn't it?" " Mm-hm." "But at the end of the night, what do I do?" "Do I ask them to come over to me?" "No, you tell them to come home with you." "They have no choice in the matter." "It is your choice and they are so overjoyed to have had the opportunity... to make sweet, sweet love to you." "Oh, my God." "You did, you Miyagi'd me." "Honk." "Take your ring off." "Let's go." "Just no talking about your kids, your job, David Lindhagen, don't you dare." "Shut up, shut up." "Just shut up." " Hello." " Hi." "Hi." "Hi." " Who are you?" " Hey." "I'm Kate." " Hey, Kate, you mind if I introduce you to my...?" " I'm Cal." " I got this." " Hi." "Pleased to meet you." "And this is my friend Jacob." "He was just leaving." " Oh." " Oh." "So, that's... that's one way to treat people." "So can I buy you a drink, Kate?" " Oh." "No, thank you." " I'm gonna buy you a drink anyway." "Grey Goose, right?" "Rocks." "Two limes?" "I'm five years sober." " What can I get for you?" " Nothing." "Nothing." "Go away, we're good." "Please, don't come back ever." " Ahem." "So, what do you do, Cal?" " I don't know." "What do you do, Kate?" " I asked you first." " I asked you second." "Seriously, what do you..." "what do you do?" "Seriously, what do you do?" "Are you really not gonna tell me what you do?" "Ah..." " Uh, okay, I'm a teacher." " Boring." "Come on, you gotta keep it interesting." "Interest me." "Uh..." " Uh, I studied at Oxford University for five years." " Boring!" "Wow." "Teacher with an alcohol dependency who studied at Oxford." "Blah, blah, blah, blah." "Bleh." "England." "Yuck." "You know, I think my friends just got here." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." " Okay." "You know what?" "I'm in corporate insurance." " Oh, God." "I have children, plural." "And my wife was cheating on me with David Lindhagen... which I wasn't supposed to tell you about either." "But I did." "Nice to meet you." " What were you supposed to tell me?" " I don't know." "I don't know." "I was supposed to say that you are the perfect combination of sexy and cute... which is actually something that I used to say to my wife." "But now it's become corrupted." "And I have 18 layers of clothes on." "I'm wearing a shirt and a tie and a sweater and a suede jacket that just seals in all the heat." "Seals in all the juices." "I'm just..." "It's all sweat under here." "This is just sweat from here down." "I'm with this-this sweater, this is called slim cut, but it feels like a scuba suit." "And I'm looking at your breasts." "What's that about?" "You think I'm the perfect combination of sexy and cute?" "That's what you picked up from what I just said?" "Mm-hmm." " So this is my crappy apartment." " Oh." "Ooh." "Dumpy." "That I had to move into after my wife left me." "I love how you're being so honest." " You like that?" " It's so different." "It's so hot." "Okay." "Okay." " Aah!" "Ha, ha." " Wow!" "Wow!" " More." " Okay." " Wanna hear something really hot?" " Mm-hm." "I've only had sex with one woman." "In my entire life." " Honest or not honest?" " That's honest." "More!" "Tell me more." "I'm a little worried you have AIDS." "Just a little." "Just a little bit." "It's okay, I'm not worried." "Oh, my God, this is so much fun." "What do you wanna do with me?" "Oh..." "I wanna show you off to my ex-wife and make her really jealous." "Whoa, man." "Phew." "Ha, ha." "You gonna call me?" "Okay." "Yeah." "Wow, that is a great dress." "Where'd you get that?" "Thank you." "A store in Beverly Hills." "Really?" "Beautiful." "It was a gift from my grandmother." " Really?" "Yeah." "It's a Krugerrand." "It's from South Africa." "I love it." "And I told him never to assume anything." "And I've been to Maine, so that's a sixth state." "So I've been to six states." " Oh, I love Maine." " Oh, yeah, it's beautiful." " Have you been to Waterville?" " I have, yeah." "Greece, Italy." "Greece, Italy?" "Wanna get outta here?" " You're driving." " I am." "I have never experienced that in my life." " Pretty great." " Are most women like that these days?" " God bless technology." " God bless it." "Dude, I went and met this girl the other night." "She was, like, heckling me the whole time we were..." "I felt like I was, you know, doin' it with the two old guys from The Muppet Show." " Statler and Waldorf." " I was into it." "You know?" "And she was, like, "Look at this frown on your face." "What is that?" "You're so serious." "What, it's serious to kiss me?" "It's supposed to be fun." "Oh, my God, if it's gonna be hard work, why don't you just stop?"" "Hello?" "Hey." "Hot guy from the bar who hit on you is here." "Tsk." "Liz, I'm studying." "You should be studying the ceiling of his bedroom." "That's what you should be studying." "I am eating a caramel apple." "In what world, honey?" "Please, turn around." "No." "Come on, take a break." "It'll be good for you to get out." "And by get out..." "I mean have hot guy from the bar knock you into his headboard until you see God." "What is wrong with you?" "You should be studying the gentle curve of his..." "Okay, goodbye, Liz." "That too much?" "Hello?" "Look, I gave him the cologne like you told me to and I don't think we should really just dance on his grave." "Okay." "I just thought you'd wanna know what I heard about your old pal Cal." "What about Mr. Weaver, mom?" "Um, just, apparently, Mr. Weaver has become a real ladies' man." " What?" " Claire." "She should know." "She babysits for 'im." "She's almost an adult." "Lots of young women in and out of his apartment." "Claire, she's too young for this." "I don't like this S-E-X talk in front of the K-I-D-S." "Sweetheart, first of all, they can spell." "Second of all, I'm just saying." "I think we were right in choosing Emily." " Oh, um..." " Why are you following me?" "Madison, I just had a question for you." "Okay, Jessica, what's up?" "It's... kind of on the personal side." "Yep, my lips are:" "Seals." "My lips are seals." "Okay." "Um..." "So, my question, and I don't mean to be blunt or insulting, but let's just call it what it is." "You're always sleeping with older guys, right?" " Always." " Okay." "Oh, um..." "So, my question for you, Madison, is, um, how do you do that?" "I mean, how do you get them to see you as not just a kid in high school, you know?" "But as someone that's mature, and old, and that's..." "Well, first off, I have a huge rack." "Uh, yes, you do." "You don't have a huge rack." "No." " Wait, how old is he?" " Old." "Like really old?" " Like parent-old." " Nasty, Jessica." "Yeah, cause that's what I was thinking, right?" " Rock on." " Thank you." " You are so dirty." " Yes, I know." "Oh, okay." "You gotta force his hand." "You know what I mean?" "Go TMZ on his ass." " Not following." " A dirty picture." " Oh." "Oh." " Make this face:" " Jeez, Madison." "Stop." " What?" "You put that on his radar and he won't see you as a little girl anymore." "That's for sure." " Hey, what's going on?" " Hey." "We don't know." "Behold." "Jessica Riley, you are my soul mate." "The love of my life." "I have marked myself with a scarlet J for you, Jessica." "Robbie, get down from there." " Nathaniel Hawthorne, wrote on "The Scarlet Letter"." " Robbie, I am your babysitter." " Are you mad?" " I am tired." "Get down." "Oh, my God." " What the hell are you thinking?" " You liked the scaffold?" "Took me like four weeks to make it." "It has wheels." "This has got to stop, Robbie." " You'll learn to love me, I promise." " No, I won't." " Just cause I'm four years younger than you?" " Because I love somebody else." " Who is he?" " He's older." "And I didn't want my parents to find out." "You know I'll kill him if he hurts you." "Yeah, I know." "Okay, Robbie, this has to stop." "Okay?" "No more." "Grow up." "I'll see you around." "Okay." "Okay." "So, you're, uh, seeing mom tomorrow at my parent-teacher thing." "Yeah, no biggie." "What's with all the moping?" "Uh, nothing." "It's just..." "There's a girl." " A girl, huh?" " Uh-huh." "You like 'er?" "I like Pringles." "I mean, this girl... she's incredible." "She's my soul mate, you know?" "She doesn't even care." "But she's your soul mate, right?" "Yeah." "Well, you just don't give up on her, right?" "Why not?" "You did." "I didn't give up." "Okay, it's more complicated than that." "It..." "I'm a different guy now." "You're not a different guy." "You just have different clothes." "It's not that simple, kiddo." " What kind of crap is that?" " Watch it." "Either you love her or you don't." "And I know you do." "I'm serious, dad." "I just need some inspiration right now." "All right?" "Go get her back." "Wow, how old are you?" "Wow." "You look great, Cal." "Oh." "Well, it turns out I've been buying the wrong size suit for like 20 years, so..." "Oh, well, whatever." "You, um..." "You look great." "Thanks." "You always look great." "Oh, thanks." " So I spoke to Nanna yesterday." " Oh, yeah, me too." "How'd she sound to you?" "Um..." "Like Nanna." "She worries about us." "What teacher is this?" "Ms. Tafferty." "She's the one he pulled "The Scarlet Letter" asshole routine on." "Mm-hm." "God, he's such a weird kid." " I kinda like him, though." " Mm-hm." "Yeah, me too." "Glad we switched babies at the hospital." "Me too." "That other one's in jail, probably." " So, how's it going with David?" " Oh, you know, it, um..." "It wasn't, um..." "That... didn't mean anything." " I mean, you know, if..." " No." "No, I know." " You seeing anybody?" " Me?" "!" "Mm-mm." "Oh, you know." "Well, you hear things, you know, so..." "No." "No." "Not real..." "You know me." "Yeah, well..." "No." "No." "I miss you, Em." "I made an effort when we were younger, didn't I?" "I mean, miniature golf and dancing..." "You were such a great dancer." "I had to be." "You were such a good miniature golfer." "I just..." "I don't know." "I guess I got lazy." "I got..." "I got boring, is what I got." "No." "And I'm so mad at you." "I'm really mad at you for what you did." "But I'm mad at myself too." "Cause I should not have jumped out of that car." "I should've fought for you." "Cause you fight for your soul mates." "Least, that's what my 13-year-old son tells me." "He's a really strange kid." "He scares the shit out of me." "I miss you too." "Mr. And Mrs. Weaver?" "No way in hell." " Cal, what are you doing here?" " Oh, you two know each other?" "Yes." "Yeah, right." "We've met before, yes." " "We have met before"?" "Seriously?" " Mm-hm." "So I'd like to introduce you to my wife, Emily." "Hi, I'm Robbie's mom." "She's your wife again." "How convenient." "So shall we... enter?" " Okay." " Why don't we?" "Yeah, let's do that." "I'm, uh..." "I'm sorry." "I'm-I'm playing catch-up." "How do you two know each other, exactly?" " Um..." " Um..." "Maybe your husband should tell you." "We..." "I think we met at last year's..." "parent-teacher conference, wasn't it?" "Did I miss it?" "Did I miss the parent-teacher conference thing last year?" "Yeah." "I don't remember." "Why don't we just, uh, why don't we focus on Robbie?" "Yes." "Yes, let's do that." "Let's..." "Let's focus on Robbie." "As you know, Robbie's shining moment this year was when he... set a school record for cursing in an eighth-grade English class." "Asshole." "You're familiar with this word, Mrs. Weaver." "Yes, I am." "And I've spoken to Principal..." "Asshole." "As in someone who tells a woman that he'll call and never does." "Hmm." "Asshole." "As in someone who uses honesty to get a woman into bed with him but is actually full of shit like the rest of them?" " This is not about Robbie." " Mm-mm." "Asshole." "As in someone who allows a woman to go downtown for 45 minutes because he's nervous." " All right, all right, all right." " Ew." "Ew." "Oh." "You know what?" "Know what?" "No." "Here's the deal." " She's an alcoholic." " Aah!" " Oh, God." "Okay." " That's..." "I'm sorry." " I'm sorry." "God." " I gotta go." " Aah!" " Oh, my God." "Emily." "God." " Emily, Emily, wait." " Leave me alone, Cal." "I'm sober five years, asshole!" "Okay, yeah, I did." "I did." "I slept with our son's eighth-grade English teacher." "I-I know." "I know." "And I-I cheated, so I have no right to be angry." "That's not the point." "When we were married you were the only woman that I had ever slept with and now I have had sex with nine different women..." "God!" " Nine?" "!" " That..." "Nine?" "!" "Wow!" "You showed me." "I wasn't trying to show you." "I was trying to move on." "But I don't want to." "You've always been the only one." "Tell her she's the perfect combination of sexy and cute, asshole." "You said that to her?" "I did, yes." "Who are you?" "I'm your soul mate." "What a cliche." "You, get over here." "Come on." "Yeah, yeah, give it up." "Give it up for her." "Aw." "I'm so proud of you, baby." "I had my doubts, of course." "Now, Hannah, I, uh, I did tell you that tonight would be a special night if you passed the bar." "So, Hannah..." "I would like... to formally ask you... in front of all our friends and colleagues... if you would like to become... a permanent lawyer at the firm of Watkin, Goldberg and Schmidt?" "Huh?" "How about that?" "To you." "Whoo!" "What?" " I ju..." "Um..." " Wh-what is it?" "I thought that you were gonna propose... for some reason." " What?" " Yeah." "I know." "I'm just..." "It's just, uh, I'm a little thrown." "I'm sorry." "I..." "I didn't realize that you thought that we were... there." "Oh, no." "God, no." "Don't be silly." "I just..." "I'm, I'm..." "I need some time, I think, to... figure out how I feel about us, you know?" "Brrp." "Long-term." "You need some time?" "You need some time to figure out how you feel about us?" "Okay." "Honey?" " Wow." " Wow." " Ahem." " Wow." "Huh." "Wow." "This is actually really funny." "I'm just..." "Next level." " Is this yours?" " Yes." "Is this yours?" "Mm." "Mm." "Honey?" " Is this gin?" " Yes." " There's, like, no water in that." " Yeah." " Great." " Mm." "Aah, I hate gin." "Wow, you know what?" "Thank you, Richard." "Honestly, thank you very much for your job offer." "I will consider it." "Hannah Banana." " Whoo!" " Banana." "Hannah." " Do you wanna buy me a drink?" " Yes." " It's nicer that way." "Right?" " You!" " You remember me?" " Yeah." " You still find me attractive?" " Yes." "Still wanna take me home?" "Yeah." "Let's go." "Here." "I really like this song." "This was a good choice." "Yeah." " Good song." " Mm-hm." " You never hear this song." " Mm-mm." "Love this song." "Cheers." "Ugh." "That's not my drink." "Mm." "Mm." "Ugh." "It's not my favorite." "Thank you." " So is this how it normally works?" " What?" "You know, you put on the perfect song, you make them a drink." "And then you sleep together." "Um..." "Yeah." " I'm very nervous." " I'm getting that." "Okay." "Because I know I seemed confident back at the bar... but that was, um, that was mostly just because I was cold and wet and trying to be dramatic..." "a little bit." " You're adorable." " No." "I am sexy." " I am R-rated sexy." " Mm-hm." "Okay, I know what happens in the PG-13 version of tonight, all right?" "I know." "It's that I get..." "I get really drunk... and I pass out." "And you cover me with a blanket, you kiss me on the cheek, nothing happens." "But that's not why I'm here." "I am here to bang the hot guy that hit on me at the bar." " Jacob." " Jacob." " Are people still saying "bang"?" " Oh, I do." "We are gonna bang." "Hm?" "This is happening." " Take off your shirt." " Why?" "Please, will you take off your shirt?" "Cause I can't stop thinking." "I need to just..." " Okay, okay, okay." " All right, okay, okay, okay." "Okay, okay." "Fuck." "Seriously?" "It's like you're Photoshopped." "Can I...?" "Aah." "You have cold hands." " Now you take off your dress." " No." "Yes." "No way." "Not with that going on." "No, thank you." "Is there dim lighting somewhere?" "Oh, God." "Okay, so then what do we do?" "What happens now?" "Like, logistically?" " What's your move?" " What do you mean, what's my move?" " What's your move?" "What's your big move?" " I got lots of moves." " What's your big move?" " I'm not telling you my big move." " Tell me your move." " You're not ready for the big move." " Yes, I am." "I want your big move" " You can't handle the big move." "Trust me." " Tell me your big move." " I work "Dirty Dancing" into the conversation." ""Dirty Dancing"?" " Can I sit down, please?" " Yeah." " Can I put back on my shirt?" " No." "Why "Dirty Dancing"?" "What do we do?" "Do we watch it?" "You know the big move at the end of "Dirty Dancing" where Patrick Swayze picks up Jennifer Grey?" " Yeah." " I can do that." " Okay." " So I tell girls I can do the move." "I put on the song. "Time o' Your Life." I do the big move." "And they always wanna have sex with me." "Oh, my God." "That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard." "I agree." "But it works every time." "That would not work on me." "Oh, God, this is ridiculous." "I don't wanna do it." "Come on." "This is... beyond ridiculous." " Run and jump." " No." " Yeah." " No, thank you." "Come on." "Thank God I'm drunk." "Here we go." "Ahem." "So do you prefer to do it here or in the bedroom?" "The bedroom is preferred." "Mm-hm." "Yeah, okay." "Let's go there." "This pillow... forms perfectly to the shape of my head." "Yeah." "Is this one of those foam pillows from Brookstone?" "Yeah." " Yeah?" " Yeah." "Oh." "I always wondered who buys those kind of..." "The hot guy from the bar buys these." "Of course." " Jacob." " Mm-hm, Jacob." "Sorry about that." "Good." "I'm sorry, continue." "You don't have one of those ridiculous, um, those massage chairs, do you?" " You do?" " No." " Yes, you do." " Yeah, I do." " Oh, my God." " I don't." "I don't." "I do." "Who would have that?" "I would." "I have that." " How much was it?" " Five thousand dollars." "Ask me how many times I've used it." " How many times have you used it?" " Twice." "That's 2500 dollars a massage." "Twice." " Where is it?" " It's in the garage." "Can I sit in the massage chair?" "I hate it." "The Home Shopping Network." "But I'm addic..." "I buy..." "I'm just the worst." " Do you have a Slap Chop?" " Yes." " You have the knife that cuts through the penny?" " Yes." " What else do you have?" " Coin Bears." " Coin Bears?" " Yeah." " You don't have Coin Bears." " I have a whole set of Coin Bears from each state." "You've 50 Coin Bears?" " Yeah." "They have a real coin in their foot." " You stay up nights." "I am wildly unhappy." "I'm trying... to buy it, and it's not working." " Were you smart in school?" " A little bossy, yeah." "But I won a-a spelling bee and my dad cried at the spelling bee." " No way." " Mm-hm." " That's nice." " Yes." " What word did you win on?" " It was so stupid." "I love curling up with a rich cup of coffee." "What, you think coffee and sleep don't mix?" "Well, they do if it's High Point." "It's decaffeinated." "And the flavor is marvelous." "Do you have that..." "that mold that makes cakes...?" "I have calf pants." "I have pants just for my calves." "Calf pants." "Oh, my God." "Could you do me... a favor?" " What?" " Will you do me a kindness?" "Mm." "Will you ask me... something personal about myself?" "Hmm." "Okay, fine." "I'll do it." "And then we bang." "Yes." "What's your mother like?" "My mom... is very beautiful." "Um..." "Very vain." "Very smart." "Cold." "And your dad?" "Um..." "He... died a long time ago." "He was such a sweet guy." "He was probably too sweet." "Very successful... in business." "He had... he made a lot of money, which is why I have... all this stuff." "But he was soft." "Just too soft, too-too-too sensitive." "And, you know, dad, he couldn't handle my mother and didn't really make an effort." "Hey, Jacob, it's Cal." "Where are you?" "Remember the, um, first woman I picked up, that teacher?" "Well, I have a story to tell you." "[ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS]" "It's been a week." "I haven't heard from you." "Should I be concerned?" "I am imagining you suffocating under a pile of women." "Oh." "Yeah, hey, it's me again." "Left like a hundred messages." "Listen, if this is a Miyagi thing, I'm not getting it, so..." "Call me back, please." "Thanks." " Been to St. Louis?" " No, I haven't." "Well, you know, I always dreamt of playing shortstop for the St. Louis Cardinals, actually, but I couldn't-I couldn't hit a curveball, so I did the next best thing." "Yeah, you became an accountant." "Right." "Exactly." "I mean, the money's not as good, but there's less travel." "Mm." " I was gonna be a ballerina." " Really?" "So tell me, what is it with women and ballerinas?" "I just... pictured myself in the ballet." "You know, it's not like I had a lot of training or anything, you know." "I mean, I actually... never really had a lesson, and, um, haven't..." "haven't seen a ballet." "You've never been to the ballet?" " Mm-mm." " Wow." " I'd love to take you to the ballet." " You'd love to go to the ballet?" "No, no, I didn't say that." "I said I'd love to take you to the ballet." "I'd just drop you off." "And then, later on, I'd pick you up and we could go to a ball game or something." "Oh, I get it." "I... had a lot of fun tonight." "Hey, you like sushi?" "Cause I know this really great little sushi place..." "I don't eat sushi." "... that we're never gonna go to because I hate sushi." "Oh, hi." "Hi, Jess." "Uh, this is my work friend, David." "David is an accountant." "Uh, David, this is Jessica, my babysitter." "Uh..." "So, you know, everything looks great." " Spreadsheets." " Spreadsheets." " See you at work." " Yeah, see you at work." "So, how was dinner?" " Oh, well, you know, it was just for work." " Yeah." " That's a really pretty dress." " Thank you." "What do I owe you?" "Do you know that your kids are the only ones that I babysit for that wanna stay awake so that they can see their dad when he gets home?" "Yeah, I mean, they fight with... everything they have to keep their eyes open." "And don't get me wrong, your kids, no, your kids are really excited to see you when you get home too, Ms. Weaver, but, um, not a lot wanna stay up for dad." "Honey, what are you trying to say?" "Batshit crazy." "Jessica, uh, what-what...?" " Let me give you..." " I don't want your slutty money." "Sweetheart, wha-what's the pro...?" "What's wrong?" ""Slutty... money"?" "Kids." "Kids." "Ice cream." " I knew it." "I knew it." " Yeah." "I'll be right back." "Oh, shit." "Oh, God." "Hello?" " Hi, Cal." " Hi." "Um..." "So..." "I'm... just calling, um... cause I'm in the basement and... um, I'm trying to get the water heater working, um... because the pilot light's out and I don't know how to relight it." "So I'm sorry to bother you." "No, no." "It's fine." "That's fine." "Call me..." "I'm glad you called about this." " I'll just walk you through it, okay?" " Okay." "All right, so, there's a gray door." "You see the gray door?" " Yeah." " Okay, just slide that down." "Okay." "There's a red button..." "with the word "push" on it." "I wrote the word "push" on it?" "So, you push it." "And turn it to the right." "I got it." "And then just put the match in." "Oh, there it goes." "Just have to slide the gray door down again and you're good to go." "Oh." "Well, thanks, Cal." "I appreciate your help." "Oh, you know what?" "Just call anytime with stuff like that." "That's..." "Oh, yeah." "Uh..." "Yeah." "Oh." "Sure." "So I'll talk to you soon." "Yeah, and, um..." "Thanks again." "No, that's... my pleasure." "Don't want you to blow up the house." "Bye." " Dad, can we go to McDonald's?" " Uh, no." "Why not?" "Check it out." "The only reason they play them on the radio is cause they're catchy." " Here you go, sir." " Thank you." "Now, does it come in sheets...?" "Oh, yeah, it's a 4 by 8." "Standard 4 by 8, your 3/4 inch stock." "Yeah." " Now, this is for my wife." " Oh." "That's nice." "It has curtains." " Oh, hey, Cal." " Hey, Bernie." " Hi, Mr. Riley." " Hi, Mr. Riley." " Hi." "How's it going?" " Oh, good." "You know, I'd love to catch up, but I'm doing something to the house later." "Kind of in a rush." "Thanks for the cologne." "Do you know if this is chintz?" " Hello?" " Cal." " Jacob." " Oh, my God, it's alive." "Hey, sorry I kinda dropped off the grid there, pal." "You left me in my hour of need, my friend." "Yeah, well..." "I'm..." "I'm in a bit of a situation." "A pickle, if you will." "I just..." "I got no one else to call." " I met a girl." " Oh, really?" "I'm spending all this time with her and she is a game changer." "She's a game changer?" "No way." "So much so I'm going to meet her mother right now." "A mother and daughter." "That's very Wilt Chamberlain-esque, even for you." "What is the matter with you?" "I don't know what to do." "I need some advice." "You realize you might actually have to answer some personal questions about yourself." "You gotta smile a lot." "You've gotta be charming." "Definitely don't be yourself." "That's what you've got for me, don't be myself?" "Great." "Thanks..." "thanks for nothing." "Do you wanna get a...?" "Do you wanna get a beer..." "next week?" "You have my number." "And, you know, don't worry about tonight." "You'll be fine." " Good for you, by the way." " See you, buddy." "Honk." "You gotta get that fixed." " Okay." " Let's go." "All right." "Va-jay-jay." "Out of this fourth inning with just one run in." "He's right on the verge of a big hit knocking him out of the game here eventually." "He's staying in there, very competitive today." "No." "No, no, no, no, no." "Daddy, daddy." "Daddy, daddy." "No, leave him." "Let him go." "He can handle it." "Let him go." "Honey!" "What are you doing in my purse?" "Stay out of my purse!" "No!" "Wait!" "Do not take those keys!" "Do not take those keys!" "No, I'm not letting you take those keys." "You're not following your father!" "Stop it!" "No!" "No!" "Let your father handle it." "You're not to see that man again!" "That man's a pervert!" " Stay out of it!" " No!" "Is that pervert sexting you?" "Hey, baby." "What are you wearing?" "Dad's here." "I have to blindfold you." " Why?" "What's he doing?" " Just come on." "Hate this." "Bad." "Is this something I'm gonna have to clean up later?" "Cause I don't..." "Mom, no, don't worry about it." "Keep going." " Honey, honey, I really can't see." " Mom, I got you." "Two." "Right now we're on the ground." "One more step." " Three." " Three." "Yay." "Mom, no more steps." "We're on the ground." "Mom, relax." "It's your husband, not al Qaeda." "Hi, Em." "Oh, hey." "Can I take this off now, please?" " Nope, not yet." " Oh, what's this?" " I hear you, gigglepuss." " Do it." "May I have your attention?" "Many years ago, in the hallway of Woodside Middle School," "Cal Weaver saw Emily Boyle for the first time." "Cal, are you seriously gonna do this in front of the kids?" "Mm-hm." "If anything goes wrong I'm supposed to take her upstairs and put the TV on loud." "All right." "Well, we may as well wait for your daughter." " She's right here." " No, no, no." "I mean our other daughter." " Hello?" " Nanna." " Hi, guys." " Hi, sweetheart." " Hi." " What's going on?" "Oh, I don't know." "Some game." "He won't let me take this dumb blindfold off." " Cal?" " Is that him?" "What are you doing here?" " What are you doing here?" " Wait, do you guys know each other?" " What's going on?" " What are you doing here?" " Hey, Nanna." " Hi, Robbie." " Hey, Nanna." " Hi, cutie." "Jacob, it's so nice to meet you." "I've heard so many wonderful things about you from Nanna." " I'm sorry, what's a Nanna?" " I'm a Nanna." "You know, I couldn't say Hannah when I was little." "How do you know my dad?" "She couldn't say her H's at all." "Okay." "I'm having trouble understanding what's going on right now." " Dad, this is, uh, this is Jacob, my boyfriend." " No, it's not." " I was bringing him over to meet mom." " No." "No." "No, no, no." " I wanna see the boyfriend." " I can't breathe." "Please, can I take this off now?" "Cal, what are you do... what are you doing with a daughter that's grown up?" "I was 17." "That's why we had to get married so young." " That is something you should have told me." " You never wanted me to talk about my children." " Um, I'm gonna go watch TV now." " Yeah, that's fine, honey." "Why don't you go do that?" " Yeah." "Can I come?" " No." "So you-you guys, like, really know each other, then." "Oh, screw it." "This is ridiculous." " Oh, honey, he's really cute." " No, he's not." "I mean, look at you." "You're really a mom?" "I don't believe it, sister." "All right, all right." "Let me get this straight." "So you guys are a thing." "You guys are a couple, right?" "You guys are together?" " Yeah." "Yes." " No way." "Break up right now." " Daddy?" " Please don't call him that." " Cal, that's not gonna happen." " Then I will mess you up." " Dad!" " Cal!" " Cal." " Jessica?" "Bernie?" "Daddy, no!" "I let her babysit for you, you son of a bitch." " She's only 17 years old." " What are you talking about?" " Oh, God, oh, God.." " I have no idea what you're talking about." " Bernie!" " Daddy, no." "No, no, no." "Stop it." " Dad." " Jacob!" "Oh, God." "Stop it." "He didn't do anything." " He doesn't know." " Is your back okay?" " Know what?" " Know what?" "Is this some kind of a skit?" "Because I'm lost." " No." " Aah!" "No, no, no." "Daddy, daddy." "He didn't even know that I'm in love with him." " With who?" " With him." " Are you pointing at me?" " You pointing at him?" "She's pointing at him?" "Oh." "Wait." "My dad is the older guy you've been seeing?" " I knew it." "You..." " No, no, no." "He doesn't know about the naked photos." " What?" " Jessica." "You made him naked photos?" "Seriously?" " I'm gonna beat you till your brains fall out." " Timeout, timeout." "Hold on." "Hold on." " But..." "I love her." " Jessica's the one you're in love with?" "Excuse me, Emily?" " You left your sweater in my car the other night." " Oh." " Who are you?" " I'm David Lindhagen." " David Lindhagen?" " David Lindhagen." "Okay." " Is... this a bad time?" " Yeah." " Unh." " Jacob!" "Know how much pain and suffering you caused my friend?" " Stay the hell away from my daughter." " Ow." "You stay away from my daughter." " I don't even know you." " Stop it." "Oh, my God." "That is not..." "What are you grabbing?" " Really?" "Really?" " Come on." "Let go of me!" "Let go of me!" "Let go of me!" " Come on, she's my daughter." " Stop it." "Stop it." "I'll kill you." "So..." "Okay, wait." "Which one of you is Lindhagen again?" "Hagen." "I'm just gonna write "Domestic disturbance, all clear"." "Thank you, officer." "Just... simmer down, okay?" "We all have arguments." "But if you're gonna fight, just do it inside." "Keep it in the family, okay?" "I will kill you." "Let's go." " Daddy?" " Now." " Daddy?" " Now." "Cal." "Come on." "Honey." "This guy is a lowlife, he is a womanizer." " That's ironic." " Hey..." "Excuse me?" "I know him." "I have witnessed him in action." " And you are not to see him anymore." " Dad, I'm not gonna stop seeing him." "Okay." "Okay." "Well, then we have nothing more to talk about." " Cal, you're being unreasonable." " Get the hell out of my house." "This is not your house anymore." "Yeah, well, you made damn sure of that, didn't you, sweetheart?" " Bye, Nanna." " Bye, cutie." "She's all yours, David." " Fantastic." " Nice." "Go big or go home, right, bud?" "Go home, dad." " Did you see the headline today?" " What?" "It says, uh, that you should call your dad." "No, it says "Let's move on child obesity."" "No, it doesn't." " I'm not gonna call him." " No, it says you really should." "Can I get you another?" " What time is it?" " 2:30." "In the afternoon." ""Two-thirty" would have been sufficient, but thank you for the judgmental tone, cocktail servant." "I'm sorry..." "Sorry for being a dick." "Nice sweat suit." "What do you want?" " Uh, can I sit down?" " I don't know, can you?" "Are we gonna... be adults about this, or we gonna...?" ""Are we gonna be adults about this?"" " It would mean a lot to me if we could talk." " Are you still seeing my daughter?" " Yes." " Then I have nothing to say to you." " Been hanging out here a lot?" " Sometimes." " You been missing a lot of work?" " I have a lot of vacation days." "You know what?" "You have a lot of nerve." "Do you wanna do your shot?" "She probably spit in it, so, no, thank you." "Your kids miss you, Cal." "You're hanging out with my kids?" "That's great." "You teach Robbie how to objectify women." "He'll love that." "You know it's his eighth-grade graduation next week." " You gonna go to that?" " Of course I'm going." "I just didn't know." "You haven't really been around, so I just..." "I don't think he knows either." " I haven't been around for him?" " Yeah." "That's what you're telling me?" "Well, you know, he's not my biggest fan right now." " He thinks I stole his soul mate." " He worships you, Cal." " Okay." "Is the parental advice over?" "Because if so..." " I'm in love with her." "I love her." "I don't know what I was doing... before this." "And I don't know what to do about it." "It's not something I can really... stop." " Yeah?" " Yeah." " You love her?" "You love Hannah?" " Yes." "Tell me about it." "Tell me how much you love 'er." "I'm just..." "Look, Cal, it's not something that I wanted, okay?" "That's to me I looked at people who were in love... and I thought..." "the way that they were behaving and the things that they were doing and saying, they just... they appeared pathetic, honestly." "And I spent all this time with you, and I'm trying to make you more like me, and it turns out I just wanna be..." "I..." "I need that drink." "You gonna make me do this?" "I really do this?" "I had Hannah when I was 17." "I taught her how to ride a bike." "I taught her how to drive a car." "And..." "I'm glad for you." "I'm happy for you, that you've changed." "I think it's fantastic..." "that you're a better man." "But I've seen too much already." " I know." "I know too much." " I know." "I know." "And it's Hannah." "And she's too good for you." "I agree." "I'm never gonna give you my approval." "You're a good dad, Cal." "Yep." "Yep." "She spit." "She spit in that." "Guys, I need you to pay attention." "Do not cut the line." "I need everyone to stay in your positions, okay?" "Guys, check your ties." "Make sure everything is nice and neat." "Ladies, when you're on stage..." "Mommy, look." "Robbie's name." "Excuse me." "Is this open?" " How close?" " Yeah, that's fine." "Good afternoon." "Welcome, parents, family and friends." "We're so pleased to have you here to celebrate this graduating class." "And now, to introduce our first student speaker, our very own Kate Tafferty." " She's pretty." " Ugh." "Our first speaker is not only the class salutatorian, but is also one of..." "the most spirited young men" "I've ever had the pleasure of teaching." "Ladies and gentlemen, Robbie Weaver." " Whoo!" " Robbie!" "Welcome, class of 2011." "Our time as middle schoolers has come to an end." "We can't fight it anymore." "We're getting old." "All my life I wanted to grow up." "I wanted to grow older, so people would take me seriously." "It all sounded so good to me." "Growing up, getting a job, getting married..." "But... it's all a scam." "And love?" "That's the biggest scam of all." "I was in love." "And I... know that makes some of you laugh, cause I'm only 13, but... whatever." "I was." "And I used to think, and really believe that... there was one true love for everyone, and... if you fought hard enough for that person, your one true love would always work out." "It sounded good to me when I was younger, but... it just doesn't work that way." " There is no such thing as one true love..." " Stop." "Shit." " Oh, boy." " Okay." "All right." "Ahem." "Excuse me." "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God." " What are you doing?" " What are you doing?" "I was wrong, dad." "There's no such thing as..." "I, uh..." "Um..." "Oh." "Well, here's the thing:" "My son's graduation speech sucks." "That's not a joke." "In fairness, I didn't know where he was going with that." "But I think we can all agree it was headed in a kind of depressing, um, way." "My son..." "Not him, my actual son believes in grand romantic gestures." "He believes in the existence of one's soul mate." "And it's easy to just look at a 13-year-old and say:" ""You don't know what you're talking about." "You are wrong."" "But I'm not so sure." "I met my soul mate when I was 15 years old." "We went out for ice cream." "After, my dad started teasing me about my first date, the way dads do." "And I told him "Dad, it's no big deal." "I'm gonna be going out with a lot of different girls on a lot of different dates."" "And that is the first time that I ever lied to my father." "I met my soul mate when I was 15 years old and I have loved her every minute of every day since I first bought her that mint chocolate chip cone." "I have loved her through the birth of my three perfect children." "I have loved her even when I've hated 'er." "Only married couples will understand that one." "And I don't know if it's gonna work out." "I don't know what's gonna happen." "I'm sorry, Robbie, I can't give you that." "But I can promise you this:" "I will never stop trying." "Because when you find the one... you never give up." "Do you have anything you'd like to say?" "I still love you, Jessica." "And I love you, Emily." "I loved you ever since you first changed my sister's diaper." "I loved you even when you came into my bedroom and I was under the covers..." " Stop him." " No, no." " What's he talking about?" " I'm still not ashamed of it." "Okay, we're good, we're good." "Oh, there's your mom." "Let's go say hi." "Hey." "Oh, I'm so proud of you." "There she is." "My perfect girl." "Hi." "Okay." "So I bought a firearm... from a shady Internet site and I am prepared to shoot you in the face with it." "Come 'ere." "Take care of her." "This is gonna be fun." "This is gonna be fun." "I'm gonna talk to my friends." "Yeah, go hang with the other high schoolers." "Go ahead, see if I care." "I don't care." " I'm really glad you came." " So am I." "You were a really good babysitter, Jessica." "Sorry if I made you uncomfortable." " I thought you weren't giving up." " I'm not." "But I just figure... you like my dad... and in a few years I'll look like him." "I'll come for you then." "That's not a bad plan." "But..." "Well, until then... just a little... graduation gift to get you through high school." "Thanks." "So..." "Can you...?" " Why...?" " Take care, Robbie." "Holy crap." " He looks pretty happy." " Yeah." " God, I hate that haircut, though." " Ick." " I know." "He looks like a sheepdog." " Mm-hm." "Oh, my eyes!" "My eyes!" "My eyes!" "It's been a really hard year." "How so?" "Yeah, there were a couple little blips, I guess." " I know." " I guess I just, you know..." "Really what I..." "what I wanna say is that I'm..." "I'm so glad you bought me that ice cream." "Me too."