"And that's why, no matter what Mommy says we really were on a break." "Yes, we were." "Yes, we were." "Come here, gorgeous." "Look at you." "You are the cutest little baby ever." "You're just a little-bitty baby, you know that?" "But you've got...." "You've got big, beautiful eyes." "Yes, you do." "And a...." "And a big, round belly." "Big baby butt." "I like big butts." "Oh, my God, Emma." "You're laughing." "Oh, my God." "You've never done that before, have you?" "You've never done that before." "Daddy made you laugh, huh?" "Well, Daddy and Sir Mix-A-Lot." "What?" "What?" "You wanna hear some more?" "I'm a terrible father." "What do you know about investments?" "How come?" "I'm starting to make good money on the show, and I should do something with it." "What do you do with your money now?" "lt's taped to the back of my toilet tank." "I didn't say that." "It's in a bank guarded by robots." "Do you have any ideas?" "A guy at work got me excited about going in on an emu farm." "That'd be kind of cool, huh?" "Pitching in on the weekends, helping to plant the emus." "Joe, emus are birds." "You raise them for meat." "Yeah." "Right!" "People eat birds." "Bird meat." "Do they just fly into your mouth?" "Or you go in a restaurant and say:" ""Excuse me, I'll have a bucket of fried bird."" "Or maybe just a wing." "Or a...." "You should consider something a little less risky." "I think real estate is your best investment." "The Fed just lowered the rates, and the interest on your mortgage is deductible." "That's right. I know some stuff." "Real estate, huh?" "And you know who's selling a great apartment?" "Richard!" "And you know whose knowledge of her ex-boyfriend is shocking?" "Monica!" "My dad told me." "They play golf together." "Well, maybe I'll join them sometime." "I just hope the club doesn't slip out of my hand and beat the mustache off his face." "And then the doctor said Emma has doubled her birth weight she is in the 90th percentile and she's gonna start eating solid foods soon." "That's great!" "l know!" "What did we used to talk about?" "No idea." "Hi!" "You have to help me pick a dress." "I'm meeting Mike's parents tonight." "Wow, the boyfriend's parents." "That's a big step." "Really?" "That hadn't occurred to me." "They'll love you." "Just be yourself." "They live on the Upper East Side on Park Avenue." "Yeah, she can't be herself." "Okay, so, all right, which dress?" "You can say neither." "Oh, God." "Neither." "You can say it nicely." "I'm sorry." "We'll take you shopping." "It'll be fine." "You are in such good hands, and I am so good with meeting parents." "With the father, you wanna flirt a little, but not in a gross way." "Just kind of like, "Mr. Pinzer, I can see where Wallace gets his good looks."" "You went out with Wallace Pinzer?" "He took the SATs for me." "l knew you didn't get a 1 400!" "Yeah, well, duh!" "I mean...." "So now, what about with Mike's mom?" "Well, with the mother, just constantly tell her how amazing her son is." "Take it from me." "Moms love me." "Ross' mom one time actually said I am like the daughter that she never had." "She said what?" "She's like the daughter she never had." "Listen." "I just got Phoebe all dressed to meet Mike's parents." "She's so nervous. lt's so sweet." "Guess what. I made Emma laugh today." "You what?" "And I missed it because I was giving a makeover to that stupid hippie?" "!" "Yeah, and it was like a real little person laugh too." "It was like:" "Only not creepy." "What did you do to make her laugh?" "l...." "Well, I sang." "Actually I rapped "Baby Got Back."" "You what?" "You sang to our baby daughter a song about a guy who likes to have sex with women with giant asses?" "You know what, if you think about it it actually promotes a healthy body image because even big butts or "juicy doubles" are...." "Please don't take her away from me." "Hi, come on in." "I'm Catherine, the listing agent." "Hi, I'm Joey." "This is Chandler." "So how come Richard's selling the place?" "Went bankrupt?" "Medical malpractice?" "Choked on his own mustache?" "He's buying a much bigger place." "It's got a great view of Central Park" "That's enough out of you." "is there anything we should know about the place?" "All the appliances are included." "There's a lot of light, a new kitchen." "I think you guys would be very happy here." "No, we're not together." "We're definitely not a couple." "Okay." "Sorry." "That's all right." "Wow, you seemed pretty insulted by that." "What, I'm not good enough for you?" "We are not gonna have this conversation again." "Look at this place." "Why am I so intimidated by this guy?" "Pretentious art." "This huge, macho couch." "When we know all he does is sit around crying about losing Monica to a real man." "You don't think he's here, do you?" "l don't know." "It's a nice place, but I gotta say, I don't know if I see myself living here." "Well, let me see." "Yeah, I can see it." "Look at these videos." "I mean, who does he think he is?" "Magnum Force, Dirty Harry, Cool Hand Luke." "Oh, my God." "What?" "There's a tape here with Monica's name on it." "A tape with a girl's name on it." "It's probably a sex tape." "Wait a minute." "This says "Monica."" "And this is Richard's apartment." "Get there faster!" "Wow." "You look like my mom." "I'm wearing pantyhose." "Great!" "Come on in." "Okay." "Thank you." "Oh, my God." "You're rich." "No, my parents are rich." "Well, so?" "They gotta die someday." "Hello!" "Mom, Dad, this is Phoebe." "Phoebe, these are my parents, Theodore and Bitsy." "Theodore, Bitsy what a delight." "lt's so nice to finally meet you." "And you." "Your home is lovely." "Thank you. I'll give you a tour later." "It's actually three floors." "Holy crap!" "Why don't you come meet our friends." "Try and stop me." "What are you doing?" "Trying to get your parents to like me." "I'm sure they will, but you don't have to do this." "I want them to get to know Phoebe, not "Phoebe."" "It is fun, though, isn't it?" "You've got it." "All right." "It's hard to stop." "Well, come on." "Phoebe, these are our friends Tom and Sue Engel." "Phoebe, come sit." "Tell us a little bit about yourself." "So where are you from?" "Okay." "Well, all right." "Originally, I'm from upstate but then my mom killed herself, and my stepdad went to prison." "So I moved to the city, where l lived in a burned-out Buick LeSabre for a while." "Which was okay." "That was okay." "Until I got hepatitis, you know because this pimp spit in my mouth and...." "But I got over it." "And, anyway, now I'm a freelance massage therapist which isn't always steady money, but at least I don't pay taxes." "So where does everyone summer?" "I'm not gonna watch it." "I don't need to watch it." "I mean, what good could possibly come from watching it?" "Well, we know I'm gonna watch it." "Hey, dude, what's up?" "Don't judge me!" "I'm only human!" "Did you take that tape?" "I had to!" "Imagine you were married and you found a tape of your wife in another guy's apartment." "Wouldn't you need to know what was on it?" "I don't know." "Who am I married to?" "Some girl." "She hot?" "How did she get me to settle down?" "All right, I'm gonna watch it." "I mean, it's probably not even what I think it is." "Even if it is, it can't possibly be as bad as what I'm picturing in my head." "Can it?" "In my experience, if a girl says yes to being taped she doesn't say no to much else, I'll tell you." "Then you have to watch it for me." "What?" "Just for a few seconds so I can know what it is." "Please?" "All right, fine." "But if I enjoy this, you have only yourself to blame!" "Why am I hearing cheering?" "lt's okay. lt's just a football game." "lt's just football?" "You were all worried for nothing." "It's football!" "It's just football!" "This is great!" "This is the first time I've ever enjoyed football!" "I think it may be customary to get a beer." "What the...?" "What are you doing?" "You don't wanna see what I just saw!" "What are you guys doing?" "Oh, my God!" "is that Richard?" "Oh, God, this is not going well." "No, you're doing fine." "Really." "Why don't you go talk to my dad." "Okay, okay, okay." "Still sure about me being myself?" "Absolutely." "Though maybe just a little less "pimp spit."" "So, Theodore, I can see where Mike gets his good looks from." "Well...." "You must work out all the time." "Not all the time. I do the best I can." "Yeah, I bet." "Look out!" "Oh, my God." "Are you okay?" "l recently had surgery." "l'm so sorry." "No, I'll be fine." "l just should check the stitches." "l really am sorry." "How could you know?" "Why wouldn't you punch me in the stomach?" "Did you just hit my dad?" "Yes. I'm sorry. I've never met a boyfriend's parents before." "But, I mean, you have met humans before, right?" "Why don't you go talk to my mom." "Okay, yeah, your mom." "She looks nice. I can talk to her." "You do that, and I'm gonna go check my dad for signs of internal bleeding." "Bitsy?" "Listen, I wanted to thank you again for having me here tonight." "Well, not at all." "Also, I just want you to know what a wonderful man your son is." "Thank you. I think so too." "lt's a testament to how he was raised." "Especially to you, because he's very respectful of women." "ls he really?" "He is so considerate of my feelings." "You know, I think you'd also like to know that he is a very gentle lover." "Excuse me?" "No, don't get me wrong." "No, not in like a sissy way." "When he gets going he can rattle a headboard like a sailor on leave." "That's...my boy." "Awesome." "Okay, please laugh for Mommy." "Please?" "Please laugh for Mommy." "Not funny, huh?" "Well, so is it only offensive novelty rap?" "Or maybe just, you know, rap in general." "Because Mommy can rap." "I can't rap." "All right, sweetheart." "This is only because I love you so much." "And I know that you're not gonna tell anybody." "Emma, you're laughing!" "You are!" "You really do like big butts, don't you?" "You beautiful little weirdo." "You missed it!" "She was laughing!" "It was amazing." "It was amazing. it was the most beautiful, beautiful sound." "I know, isn't it?" "What'd you do to get her to laugh?" "You know, I just...." "A couple of things I tried." "Different...." "Just sang a little "The ltsy-Bitsy Spider."" "You sang "Baby Got Back," didn't you?" "Nothing else worked!" "That girl is all about the ass!" "And then it goes back to the chorus." "Resolve." "And that's the end of the song." "I realize you hadn't asked to hear it but no one had spoken in 1 7 minutes." "Phoebe writes lots of songs." "What was that one you sang the other night?" ""Pervert Parade"?" ""Ode to a Pubic Hair"?" "Stop." "Oh, God. ls that veal?" "Mom, I thought I told you, Phoebe's a vegetarian." "No, that's okay." "That's okay." "I mean, I am a vegetarian except for veal." "Yeah." "No." "Veal I love." "Phoebe, you don't have to eat that." "Any baby animals." "Kittens, fish babies." "But, you know, especially veal." "You know, and this nice vein of fat running through it." "Yummy." "So what do you think?" "So you stole that tape from Richard's apartment?" "Listen to the judgment from the porn star!" "That tape was never meant to be seen by...." "Joey, I would feel more comfortable if this conversation were in private." "Monica, look, I don't think you and I have any secrets anymore." "Not ready to joke about it yet?" "See you later." "Why in the world would you take this tape?" "And why would you watch it?" "Because that's who I am." "Okay?" "I'm sure a man like Richard could see a tape like that and not be bothered." "It'd just be another saucy anecdote for him to share at his men's club over brandy and mustaches." "is all of this about you not being able to grow a mustache?" "This is about you and Richard." "He's clearly not over you." "He keeps a tape so he can look at it whenever he wants." "Isn't that sad?" "Can't you see how pathetic that is?" "Don't be jealous." "You should feel bad for him." "Yeah, well, poor Richard, he...." "l can grow a mustache." "This is not our problem." "We have each other." "That's all that matters." "But I just keep picturing you rolling around with him, with your cowboy boots in the air." "Cowboy boots?" "I've never worn cowboy boots in my whole life." "Good, good." "Play more because I wanna see how it ends." "That's not me!" "What?" "That's not you!" "Life is good again!" "Ride 'em, cowgirl!" "That bastard taped over me!" "is that a problem?" "It's just so insulting." "Spring for a new blank tape, doctor!" "Yes, but the important thing is that we have each other, right?" "Well, yeah. lt's just so rude!" "And the way we did it was a lot better" "Are you going to finish that sentence?" "I can't imagine what he sees in her." "She actually makes me miss that pill-popping ex-wife of his." "Hello, dear." "What's going on?" "We were just chitchatting." "How's your friend?" "A little better." "Do you know who's moving back into town?" "Tom and Sue's daughter, Jen." "You remember her, Michael." "She's lovely, well-behaved and single." "l'm not interested." "Please, darling, let's be honest." "You can have all the sailor fun you want with that one." "But let's be real." "All right, stop." "All Phoebe has done is try and get you to like her." "Maybe it's not clear but she did her best." "She's a little different than you are." "Michael, a pimp spit in her mouth." "So what?" "If I can get past that, it shouldn't bother you." "You don't have to like her." "Just accept the fact that I do." "If you can't even be civil to the woman I love" "The woman you what?" "Yeah, the woman you what?" "The woman I love." "I love you." "Something I shouldn't say for the first time, in front of my parents and Tom and Sue." "Who are, by the way, the most sinfully boring people I've ever met in my life." "l love you too." "You do?" "How great is this?" "Wanna get out of here?" "Mom, Dad." "Thanks for dinner." "l had a great time." "It was really top-drawer." "And here's something rich." "Thirteen bathrooms in this place, I threw up in the coat closet." "Ta-ta!" "One more time from the top!" "Rachel, please!" "That is so inappropriate!" "[english]"