"Murder Most Horrid" "Lady Luck" "I'd like to take out a mortgage, please." "Certainly, sir." "Do you have an account with us?" "Well, you see, I've seen this fabulous Georgian house on the London Road." "Needs a bit of underpinning but I still think it's a snip at 250 grand." "Oh, by the way, what's your name?" "Mandy." "Right, we don't want to spoil Mandy's day, do we?" "Come on." "Hurry UP!" "Hurry up!" "Thanks a lot." "You don't do bridging loans do you?" "[on Radio]...and coming up to ten to the hour on Metropole Radio... fingers on your dials please for two free return tickets to Minneapolis with Northwest Airlines." "O-Ba-Di O-Ba-Da was made famous by two groups one was the Beatles, who was the other?" "Marmalade." "[Engaged signal] Oh shit..." "[Radio] Winner..." "[Engaged signal] Oh, I don't believe it" "[Radio] So we have Wayne from Elm Park on the line" "Was it Mungo Jerry?" "Oh bloody hell." "Come on." "[Radio] Pavarotti?" "Pavarotti?" "How can Pavarotti be a group?" "Mind you, on second thoughts..." "Yes." "Metropole Hotline." "Can I have your name and where you're calling from?" "Yes, it's Denise I'm on my earphone in Bridge Street." "You're through to Robbie Jackson and you'll be on air." "And now we've got Denise on line four." "So who is it then, Denise?" "Well..." "Just do exactly as I tell you." "If you don't, you'll find out what a shotgun can do to the human stomach at pointblank range." "Marmalade." "[Radio] Marmalade it was, you're a win..." "Now pull out and drive." "Eyes on the road..." "How long are we going to be?" "What?" "How long is this likely to take?" "You know, just roughly." "It's just I've got to pick up my husband up at Stansted" "Keep your mouth shut." "Bernie's doesn't like to be kept waiting." "I said, keep your mouth shut." "Well, excuse me, but if you could just hear me out, then I will keep my mouth shut, alright." "I promise." "Alright?" "Alright." "Well, all's I'm saying is, when Bernie says meet me at 4.30, that's what he means, 4.30 he doesn't mean 4.25, he doesn't mean 4.35, he means 4.30 and I don't want a repeat of what happened last time." "I'd got there early because the shopping is actually very good at Stansted," "I don't know if you know if you've been there Stansted?" "Well, it's very good, and I was in Knickerbox, and that's where I lost my credit card so I had to go up to lost property and while I'm up there, the Faro flight has docked, hasn't it" "and Denise is not there to meet him, am I?" "So he's dropped all his Duty-Free trying to get through the automatic doors with his clubs, he has a screaming blue fit in the Arrivals hall and when he sees me coming, he heads off straight towards the taxi-rank" "doesn't speak to me till August Bank Holiday." "Well, I'm sorry darling, no personal of fence to you, but if it's a choice between that thing pointing at me or Bernie Cunningham in a bad mood..." "Are you finished?" "Switch that off!" "Sorry." "What else you got in that bag then?" "Never you mind." "You've done a bank, haven't you?" "How much have you got in there then?" "Go on." "Will you just keep driving." "Denise, you are in a nightmare." "No, no, I'm still here, unfortunately" "[Radio]" "And now the news from Metropole Radio" "Agunman has held up a bank in the town center and is believed to have made off with cash in the region of 200.000 pounds..." "Ahhhh" "200.000." "Wow." "[Radio] and now today's raid on Barclay's Bank in Farmer Street..." "Farmer Street!" "Barclay's!" "Hang on, hang on." "That's my branch." "That's my branch." "I go there every day." "Fascinating." "Who served you?" "Nobody sewed me, I held the bloody place up." "Was it Mandy?" "Little piggy thing with little round glasses?" "Was it her?" "Might have been." "Brilliant, brilliant." "She's a stuck up cow that one." "Did you see the deputy manager, Mr Cheevers?" "Right." "Drop me off here." "Here?" "This is the Station?" "I wish you'd told me." "I'd have cut up through Watford Lane, down Abbey Street," "I could have had you here much quicker." "Right, one word to the Police and I'll come looking for you for the rest of your life." "Not at all." "Any time." "Love you." "Excuse me, sir, if you'll come with us, we'd like to ask you a few questions..." "Stop!" "Get out of my way!" "He's got a gun!" "Oy, get in." "Come on." "What's going on?" "They've got your description." "What?" "Yeah, they caught you on a security camera in some car park." "It was on the news just after I dropped you." "Shite." "And a false beard, I ask you." "Where'd you get it, then?" "Hamleys?" "Yes, as a matter of fact." "I knew it." "Ha, ha, ha." "Why are you helping me?" "Well, one good turn deserves another." "And as it happens I'm a Capricorn... and Capricorns, as you should know, but obviously you don't, like a little bit of a change of mind every now and again, they like to have a bit of fun and they like to take unnecessary risks." "Whoah!" "Eat shit, you Mothers!" "So, what about your husband?" "Bernie?" "Oh, let him take the train for a change." "If he remembers to changes at Bishops Stortford, it's only the 23 stops." "God, he'll be coming through the Green Channel soon, he'll be stomping up and down outside John Menzies, huffing and puffing..." "where is that silly woman?" "Where is that stupid bitch, Denise?" "Yeah, well, let him wonder where I am for a change." "Maybe I'm just too busy to pick him up... maybe I've gone bowling with Claudette... maybe I'm getting rogered senseless in some motel room somewhere... what" "Denise?" "No, maybe I've gone for a spin in the car with that bloke who done the bank job in Farmer Street." "What, little Denise?" "Never." "Why are you stopping?" "Where we going?" "Skamaer." "Skamaer?" "Where's that then?" "It's in Scotland." "Scotland." "I knew you had an accent." "You're scotch." "Scotland." "Yeah." "Scotland." "Oh, Jesus." "I thought I was in for a quick buzz round the M25." "I've got step class tonight, you know, I don't want to get out of shape." "Bernie'll want to go to Homebase in the morning." "I've got Buster booked in for a worming." "Oh gawd, Denise, Denise, what have you got yourself in to?" "Skamaer." "Do you know," "I wish something exciting would happen to me just once in my life." "I'll have half now and half when we get there." "Eh?" "Half of what?" "My cut." "Cut?" "Ten percent." "Ten per..." "Drive." "No, you drive." "What?" "Go on, pull the trigger, dump my body, the car's all yours." "You can't drive, can you?" "Course I can." "How many tests did you take?" "Shouldn't be ashamed of it you know." "Lot of people fail their tests miserably." "Lot of people just haven't got the right son of co-ordination you see." "Now what were we talking about?" "Ten per cent wasn't it?" "I think that's the going rate for the driver." "Thank you." "Lovely." "Now you wait here." "We're in luck - it's only Sheena..." "Oh, Denise, am I glad to see you." "We're out of Vitacream, Phytomousse and..." "Sheena, would you like to take a coffee break, darling." "But I've just had one." "Yes, well, take another one, alright." "I think you'll find you're very very thirsty." "Oh brill... thanks." "Talking about time off." "There's no chance of tomorrow is there?" "Only Dean's got tickets for..." "Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes." "Right, well, think I'll ..." "Go and see Strictly Ballroom again..." "That'll be eleven times now... cha cha cha..." "You're a dark horse, Denise Cunningham..." "Love is in the air." "Everywhere I look around..." "Right... they've got you down as mid-twenties and dark so we've got to make you a bit older I think a touch of henna and some of those old fashioned grey highlights." "We'll have you looking like Kilroy-Silk in no time..." "Oh." "Oh!" "What?" "Did you know?" "What?" "You've got dermatitis." "Dermatitis?" "Yeah, see that red, flakey scalp there, that's dermatitis." "That's the first sign of being stressed." "I'm not stressed." "You are." "I'm not!" "Just relax." "Shit." "I forgot to put the closed sign up." "Watcher, Denise." "Hi." "It's Gary..." "Who's Gary?" "He's a copper." "No, no." "I'll handle it." "Alright." "I've got a one o'clock with Sheena." "Oh right." "Oh Gary, can I introduce you to Marvin?" "He's just started with us." "Alright, Marvin." "Oh, Gary, I'm so sorry, Sheena's gone off sick." "Oh." "Can you come back tomorrow?" "Oh no" "I've got the Customs and Excise Dinner Dance tonight." "Oh, sorry Gary, no can do." "It's alright, I'll take Marvin." "Anyway, last time you made me look like an Irish Wolfhound." "Oh, I'm sorry, Gary." "You can't have Marvin." "Why not?" "He's... busy." "Don't look busy to me." "Come on, Marvin, mate." "'Aint got all day." "Right, well, Marvin, if you'd like to give Gary his usual." "This is a joke, let's get out of here." "Gary likes it layered, Marvin, with a nice step in the back." "Thanks a bunch." "Come on, Marvin mate, I want to shift some cattle tonight." "I want a change of image." "Can you make me look like that?" "Luke Perry." "Give us a Luke Perry." "OW!" "Please, don't backcombe, Marvin, it breaks the hair s haft." "It's best to use one of these brushes, that avoids static." "You alright, Gary?" "Alright?" "I've got to be there by eight, you know." "Where d'you get him from" "Gerry Cottle's?" "Ha, ha, ha, that's good." "Hey, hey, hold on..." "Roger - what is it?" "I've just come off shift." "Listen, Gary... this is for all units... you know that raid in Farmer Street..." "I'm in the middle of a fashion crisis with Edward Scissorhands here." "We've got some more news on our man Irish accent." "Look, shut that thing off, will you?" "Shut it off." "The computer enhanced that picture of the sports bag it's an Adidas bag, green trim oh, one other thing." "Distinguishing feature, tattoo of a bald eagle, right hand..." "You got that?" "Over and out" "What is it about you lot?" "You've always got to have something that gives you away, haven't you?" "Yes, Officer." "He was medium height, average build but had a distinguishing pair of antlers." "Never happy till you've made it on Crimewatch, are you?" "Just get off my back will you?" "It's alright, you look fine." "Turned out a biter..." "Jason Donovan really, didn't it?" "Sorry." "It will take a bit longer this way, still..." "Nice to see the countryside isn't?" "Do you know what I really fancy?" "Apart from being licked all over by Take That of course." "Is a toffee." "There's one in there." "Would you?" "In there look." "Oh, sorry about that." "What's this?" "That is a souvenir letter opener" "Bernie brought back from Faro Duty Free." "You explain it." "I use it to fix the meter outside the salon." "That's illegal Denise." "Oh bollocks..." "Oh dear, you're very stressed, aren't you?" "Bernie couldn't relax either." "D'you know he spent one whole Christmas in Tenerife slaving over a fax machine?" "Do you ever stop talking?" "Then one day, out of the blue, he tells me he's off to the Algarve to play golf." "He's never played golf in his life." "So now of course, he goes twice a year." "He stays at a place called The Hotel Quinta Del Lago." "It's funny really, 'cos I called him there once, they said they'd never heard of a Bernie Cunningham... still, that's probably my dodgy Portuguese for you..." "Funnier still, doesn't even bother to take his clubs anymore." "Sorry, what did you say?" "I said, do you ever stop talking?" "And what is that supposed to mean?" "I bet you can't." "I bet you're incapable of not talking for thirty seconds." "Of course I can." "You can't." "I bet you fifty quid." "Alright, alright." "Candy from a baby, Mate." "Right." "Thirty seconds." "Starting from now." "Well obviously I'll need..." "There, there, there!" "What, what, what?" "Thirty seconds is a long time" "I need my music." "No, no music." "And no cigarettes." "And no sweets." "Alright, alright. -30 seconds starting from now." "Wha... 5... 10... 15... 20... 25... 30..." "There, you've done it." "Cinch ." "See." "Come on, give us the dosh." "Not doing too bad today, are you?" "The bag..." "Where's the bag..." "Oh shit..." "Oh, Denise, the back cupboards locked and I need one of those Wella Wash-Out Con. You alright?" "It's Wednesday." "So?" "It's Wednesday..." "We've got trucks coming in and out all the time... but er, if you want to have a look for yourselves." "We haven't got time." "Look, it could be anywhere." "I'm sorry." "You won't believe your horoscope for today listen to this" ""You are forced to question your entire outlook on life, as your plans may well go astray."" ""Roll with the punches and do not hang onto the past."" "Look, we've still got my share..." "I can lend you some, no problem." "[Phone ringing]" "Bernie." "[Phone ringing]" "[Phone ringing]" "[Phone ringing] Come on let's get out of here." "So, been away on your holidays then?" "What?" "Sorry." "Looking forward to Christmas?" "Just shut up." "It's not what you think you know," "Ireland." "Beautiful country." "All that barbed wire and stuff they show you over here." "That's just one square mile of Belfast." "Even then, they never show you the harbour, or the hills at the back." "It's like Hello magazine coming to do your house and taking a photo of your septic tank." "The worst thing about Ireland is the rain." "It never stops friggin' raining." "I remember when I was a nipper my mother was always..." "Jesus!" "Wha... what happened?" "Come on, let's stop off somewhere ten, twenty, thirty, forty, fifty..." "Would you really have done it?" "Killed me." "Back there when you first got in the car." "Yes." "I don't believe you." "Why don't you go and run us a nice hot bath." "...They're at the Claymore Hotel, just off the Dumfries by-pass..." "They're here alright." "What's that?" ""Fell down the stairs", didn't I?" "Why don't you leave him?" "You get used to everything in the end, don't you... even this." "What the..." "Shite." "This you?" "What?" "Is this you?" "You're one of them, aren't you?" "Don't be stupid." "How can I..." "What's your game?" "You've been stringing me along." "Me?" "Look, we're in this together, aren't we?" "Get out there now." "Get back!" "Get back!" "Right back out of the way!" "You got me into this mess." "Now you're getting me out..." "Anyone comes in and she gets it!" "Back." "Stay back" "You're surrounded." "Anyone move and I'll kill her." "I mean it!" "Now clear the entrance." "Go on, Denise." "You wouldn't do it." "You wouldn't do it." "Go on, little Denise." "Drive." "You're not going to do it." "What did your horoscope say today, Denise?" "She met a knight in shining armour." "Drop the gun and get out." "Well done, Denise." "You've got some bollocks, I'll say that." "Sean Lacey, you are under arrest for the murder of Bernard Cunningham." "What" "What the..." "You are also under arrest for armed robbery and the abduction of Denise Cunningham." "You don't have to say anything unless you wish to do so but what you do say may be given in evidence." "Sean funny..." "I had you down as a Kevin." "Jesus, what a mess." "You alright, love?" "Yeah." "Did he do that?" "I'll have him." "I'll have him!" "Alright alright..." "Do you want to pass me that mousse?" "Thank you." "And is it true what they said... that he..." "That he what, Sheena?" "You know... that he... erm..." "Three times." "Oh, my God." "I think they should be castrated, I really do." "Dean says that there's this injection you can get they use on horses." "Yes, thank you Sheena." "Denise, all those terrible things I said about Bernie," "I mean, I just feel awful now." "Look, don't worry about it, Darling, alright?" "Oh, I think you're done now that really suits you." "It's lovely." "There we go." "Thank you very much." "Lovely." "Have a lovely time in Fungiroli, won't you?" "And don't forget what I said about coils." "Best thing for mosquitoes" "You get them in Boots in the High Road." "Bye darling, bye" "I mean, no-one deserves to go like that." "Not even him..." "Poor Bernie..." "Yeah..." "Poor Bernie..." "THE END"