"Kandi, Kandi, listen to me." "Our divorce does not have to be adversarial." "I bet she won't know that word." "No, no, not "Ads for cereal"." "Told 'ya." "Do you know it?" "That wasn't the bet." "Oh, come on, you're being very unfair." "I love Chester as much as you do." "Oh really?" "Oh, then maybe you could explain to me why I'm the one who feeds Chester, gives Chester tick baths, and cleans up when Chester piddles on the rug." "When did you change your name to Chester?" "And it's not just me, Jake loves that dog too." "No, I don't." "He slobbers and he threw up in my shoe." "I had a date like that once." "You'd think it would have slow me down but no..." "All right, all right." "Can I at least talk to him?" "My father talks to dogs and they send me to a psychologist." "Hello, Chester?" "It's Daddy!" "Who's a good boy?" "You're a good boy." "Yes you are!" "Yes you are!" "Yes..." "Kandi, I wasn't finished." "Yeah, well, well I have rights here!" "And I intend to pursue those rights with all the means at my disposal." "Yeah!" "Well, OK, OK, goodbye!" "Alan?" "Yeah?" "Who's a moron?" "You're a moron!" "Yes you are!" "Yes you are!" "Well, it may be funny to you, but that dog means a lot to me." "It's really about the dog or is it about Kandi?" "It's about the dog!" "I mean, we bought a condo, she's keeping it." "We bought a car, she's keeping it." "What do I get to keep?" "Certainly not your dignity." "OK, let's look at the big picture." "You're a middle-aged guy, who married a stupid woman, half his age, for no other reason that the sex was great." "You're with me so far?" "Yeah." "Good." "Then you ran out of money, she got bored and threw you out." "What's your point?" "Why does everything need a point, why can't I just make fun of you." "I want my dog, Charlie." "There'll be other dogs..." "not in my house." "Just remember, the worst thing you can do is fight over who gets what." "The trick is to give her everything." "Everything?" "Whatever she wants, because when all is said and done, you'll get the one thing that matters most, the thing you can't put a price on." "My dignity?" "Oh stop it, that ship has sailed..." "No, no..." "The thing you get, is freedom, the opportunity to start over." "Maybe a little sadder, but a whole lot wiser." "And the next time you'll meet a woman, and trust me, you will, you'll have a real shot at true and lasting happiness." "I want my dog." "Well, good luck with that, because I was lying about the other stuff." "Episode 4x04 "A Pot-Smoking Monkey"" "Transcript/Synchro:" "Porkepick Corrections:" "Bouliii" "Listen, why don't we share custody of Chester?" "You know, you get one week, and I get one week." "It doesn't make any difference." "Dog weeks and people weeks are the same thing." "Hey dad, how come you don't give me an allowance?" "Because your mother gives you an allowance." "Look, I'm just trying to be fair here." "Speaking of fair, it doesn't seem fair that mom has to pay me and you don't." "Hang on, Kandi." "Let me explain something to you, every cent your mother has, comes from me." "So when she gives you an allowance, it's really me giving you an allowance." "I don't need to know how it works, I just need more money." "Take a number." "Sorry, go ahead." "Six." "Morning." "Morning." "Look, if Chester is gonna live anywhere full time," "I don't see why it shouldn't be here." "I do, I see why." "When he split with your mother, did they fight like this over your custody?" "They still do." ""You take him." "No you take him."" "OK, OK, OK, fine." "You want this to get ugly, you want to play hardball, I will play hardball." "How come you don't give me an allowance?" "What are you, drunk?" "Well, I am gonna get a lawyer, I'm gonna take you to court, yeah!" "And then we'll just see who gets Chester." "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Well, well, have your lawyer call my lawyer!" "You know a lawyer?" "Oh..." "Hi." "What do you want, Alan?" "Huh, OK, right to it huh?" "As you know, Kandi and I are splitting up..." "Yeah, * quelle surprise. *" "* Merci. *" "Anyhoo, I'm gonna need a good lawyer, and, huh..." "I thought, you know, who better than the rabid jackal who ripped my lungs out in my first divorce?" "You want my lawyer?" "Well I certainly don't want mine." "Gee Alan, I'm sorry but I can't give him to you." "Why not?" "Because I already gave him to Kandi." "You're joking, right?" "I'm smiling, but I'm not joking." "Why would you do that?" "I don't know, kicks..." "Oh Judith, when did you start hating me so much?" "Well let's see..." "I disliked you when we were married," "I resented you when we divorced, but I don't think I hated you until you started having sex with that gorgeous 22 year-old dumbbell." "OK, well thanks for clearing that up." "Bye bye." "Look, if you really want to make some extra cash," "I'm sure we can find some household chores for you to do." "Oh yeah, there's big money in that." "What kind of chores?" "Well, let see..." "Take out the garbage, sweep up the garage, wash my car." "No, none of those sound good." "I'll tell you what," "I'll give you 10 bucks, if you can eat this entire tub of ice cream in less than 20 minutes." "OK..." "Charlie, that will shoot out of him like Ben  Jerry on rocket skates." "Here, eat these instead." "By the time they get through you, it'll be your mother's problem." "All of them in 20 minutes, right?" "Yep" "Then can I have the ice cream?" "Oh oh..." "Alan, you should have called." "I didn't feel like calling, I want to see my dog." "Well maybe he doesn't want to see you." "Why don't we let him decide?" "No, he's been through enough." "Oh really?" "Did he tell you that?" "How could he tell me anything?" "You know as well as I do that he keeps everything bottled up." "Dammit Kandi, I want to see my dog..." "Don't you yell at me..." "If you have anything to say, you can say it to my lawyer." "Maybe I will." "Honey, Alan has something he wants to say to you." "Hey Alan." "What's up?" "It's you... the jackal!" "Oh that hurts." "Listen, as long as you're here, is your billing address still the same?" "Huh huh." "Great." "Well, I guess I'll see you in court." "Oh, and don't worry, I'm not gonna bill you for this consultation, there's nothing legal billing on here." "Un-freaking-believable." "It's like watching a pot-smoking monkey." "10 dollars, please." "Serves me right, betting against a kid who can eat a happy meal, toys and all..." "Thank you." "what are you doing?" "You told me how to always do my own count." "Yeah but you can trust me." "Seven, eight, nine!" "?" "It was an honest mistake." "I'm sure." "So what are you gonna do with your winnings?" "It's a secret." "So it's a girl." "How do you know?" "I didn't" "Then it isn't." "Come on, tell me about it, maybe I can help." "I don't think so." "Are you kidding me?" "Who knows more about girls than your uncle Charlie?" "Warren Beatty, Bill Clinton, Rosie O'Donnell..." "Why should I talk to you?" "You've messed up every relationship you've ever been in." "Well, yeah, but.." "So you're not exactly a good example." "I get it." "I mean, if I only wanted to have one-night stands..." "Alright!" "Alright, you've made your point." "So don't talk to me." "I won't." "OK." "OK." "Good." "Will you drive me to the mall?" "Why?" "It's private." "So is my car." "Alright, I want to buy a present." "For?" "It's a secret." "I'll throw in another 10." "Wendy Chow." "Haha!" "A present for Wendy Chow!" "Now, is this an offering to grease the wheels, or a parting gift for the wheels having already been greased?" "Grease the wheels?" "See, that's why I don't talk to you about this stuff." "Well, he may be as dull as a butter knife, but you gotta admit, he's a good judge of character." "Are you sure it doesn't have anything to do with sex?" "Positive." "Huh?" "Sure sounds like it." "Subpoenas..." "Hang in there Chester, Daddy is coming." "Oh please please please..." "Yes!" "She didn't change the lock." "But that's new." "I like those..." "Skull earrings?" "Yeah, they're silver and they got ruby eyes." "OK first of all, for 11.95, those aren't rubies." "You don't know that." "Oh but I do..." "And second, girls like Wendy Chow don't wear skull earrings." "How do you know?" "She gets straights As, right?" "She plays violin?" "She's also the captain of the math Team." "Exactly." "So you see my point?" "Huhuh, OK." "How about that skull belt-buckle?" "No skulls." "Just out of curiosity, does this Wendy Chow hate her parents?" "I don't think so, why?" "Just trying to get a handle on the relationship." "She said she likes me 'cause I'm unpretentious." "You know what that means?" "It means she likes me." "Yeah, OK..." "So what do you want this gift to say?" "Huh... "Happy birthday"?" "A birthday card says "happy birthday", what are you trying to tell her by giving her jewelry?" "I don't know." "I guess... that I love her." "What?" "Nothing, that... that's terrific." "Hey, just because you don't love any girl doesn't mean I shouldn't." "Excuse me, but I have loved many girls, and many girls have loved me." "That's not love, it's just sex." "Sorry, I'm not following you." "If you die tomorrow, how many of those girls will come to your funeral?" "A lot of them." "Granted a few might show up just to make sure I'm really dead..." "But, I feel confident that the... overall tone of the event would be, one of sadness." "If you say so." "Yeah, I say so." "Let's get out here." "I haven't picked up a gift yet." "Then, get her the stupid skull earrings." "But you said she wouldn't like 'em." "What do I know?" "Nobody loves me, nobody's coming to my funeral." "Wow..." "Where did that come from?" "Here, what about this gold heart necklace?" "It's kinda expensive..." "You want the best Jake, you got to pay for it." "Yeah, but $39?" "I mean I love her and everything..." "I'll tell you what, if it means we can get out of here quicker, I'll front you the difference." "I don't know..." "What do you mean, you don't know?" "!" "I'm offering you a great deal!" "Yeah, but you always say: "If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is."" "Alright, how about if I pay for the whole thing?" "That sounds even better, so no." "Come on, Brainiac." "What do I have to do for you?" "Just promise to be sad at my funeral." "Do I have to cry?" "No." "Will there be food?" "Yes." "Can I bring a date?" "You're just screwing with me now, right?" "How does it feel?" "Still early, want to go shoot some hoops?" "Nah, I'm gonna go call Wendy Chow." "Hey, bros before Chows!" "Thanks for the ride to the mall, Uncle Charlie." "Thanks for buying me the necklace, Uncle Charlie." "Thanks for not slugging me when I started mouthing off about your funeral, Uncle Charlie." "Chester!" "Easy boy." "Charlie, what did you do to him?" "What did I do to him?" "I practically crapped my pants, is what I did to him." "What the hell is that?" "This is Chester!" "Isn't he cute?" "Yes you are, yes you are..." "He's not staying here, Alan." "Well, with all do respect, that's what you said about me." "That's because no kennel in town would take you." "Oh come on, look at him, how could you not love this face?" "Easy, I know where he puts it." "Now take him back to Kandi's." "I can't." "Why not?" "It's kinda complicated." "Then simplify it." "OK, well hum..." "I stole him." "Oh Alan..." "I may think with my penis, but at least I think!" "Don't worry, you won't have to do anything," "I'll feed him, I'll walk him..." "Walk him?" "You could hitch a wagon to him, and settle the West!" "No dogs in my house." "Especially stolen dogs who are big enough to make me their bitch!" "Wow, what the hell is that?" "That, is leaving." "Oh Charlie, please." "Of my entire life," "Chester is the only living thing that I ever slept with that didn't sue me for alimony." "Alan, how long do you think you're gonna get away with this?" "I was very careful." "I left the door open, so when Kandi comes home, she'll think she left it open and let Chester run away." "She will never dream of looking for him here." "Probably." "Just in case, hide Chester." "How am I supposed to hide him?" "Sit under him with a pail and pretend he's a cow." "Coming!" "Please." "Come on, Bullwinkle." "Alan Harper?" "Yes." "How can I help you?" "We're investigating a stolen dog report." "A dog?" "Your ex-wife's dog?" "Chester?" "Somebody stole Chester?" "She seems to think you might know his whereabouts." "Oh gosh..." "I'm sorry, I have no idea." "Although, you know what could have happened?" "She could have left the door opened, she's absent-minded." "And, huh... the dog got away." "Hey." "Oh, look who's finally off the phone." "Yeah." "So when are you gonna give Wendy Chow the necklace?" "I'm not." "What happened?" "Chickened out?" "No." "I don't believe it." "You dragged my ass all the way down to the mall," "I pony up 40 bucks for the necklace and you chicken out." "She just dumped me, old turd!" "Oh..." "You could have told me that before I started being a turd..." "I'm only twelve..." "I need a time machine." "Oh dude, I'm really sorry, what happened?" "She decided she has a problem with mixed relationships." "What, Chinese and Caucasian?" "Gifted and remedial." "Oooh..." "Yeah well, I'm done with relationships." "From now on, I'm gonna be like you." "Why would you want to be like me?" "'Cause you never fall in love with anybody so you never get hurt." "OK, listen to me." "Being hurt sucks, but love is the most beautiful and noble of human emotions." "It's what gives a man hope, it's what gives his life meaning." "Don't turn your back on love, Jake." "I did, and I regret it everyday." "Really?" "May god strike me down if I'm lying." "Alright, game's over." "Let's go." "Where are we going?" "Might as well bail your dad out of jail." "Can we get something to eat first?" "Sure, why not..." "How long before Kandi and her lawyer come back from Mexico?" "3 more days." "Oh God..." "What are you feeding that dog?" "It's not the dog..." "It smells a little like... banana bread." "Transcript/Sync:" "Porkepick"