"[crowd cheering]" "Reverse Egyptian suplex!" "Reverse Egyptian suplex!" "He's going for the pin!" "One!" "Two!" "Three!" "And it's all over!" "What an absolute war that was!" "Okay wrestling fans, it's time for the main event." "After years of heartbreak, unfulfilled dreams and shattered confidence, this young man will finally have one last shot at the world title." "Does he have any chance?" "If you ask this announcer, he's fucked." "Dude, thanks for bogarting all these sweet wrestling" "DVDs from work." "Oh, yeah dude." "I'd rather you have them than see them getting thrown out when the store closes." "Oh, uh, keep an eye on dad tonight." "He hasn't been the same since we moved into the garage." "No problem." "Good luck on your date." "Maybe she'll let you sniff her butthole." "It's just dinner, dude." "Hey Mr. B, what you working on over there?" "Completing the perfect woman." "I look forward to meeting her." "[laughing]" "I already got started, I hope you don't mind." "Mm." "Just need to get my drink on tonight." "Well I get getting your drink on this evening." "This is a really beautiful place you picked." "I am starving." "I mean I could eat a horse." "That's funny." "[laughs]" "Let's see do they have horse, ah, I'm checking." "No, no!" "They have 30 dollar soup though." "So, I feel like I've been totally talking your face off about me." "Oh, no." "Tell me more about you." "Uh, I..." "work at a video store." "[laughs]" "People still rent movies?" "Well, no actually." "That's kind of the problem." "I dunno, I think it's kind of sad that people don't go to video stores anymore." "It's kind of an Americana kind of, sort of thing." "I dunno." "Going..." "Brandon?" "Oh, no, I'm Denton." "Shaniqua?" "Danielle!" "Holy shit, I don't care." "Come here, come here." "So good to see you!" " You look fucking amazing." " Thank you." " Hey, Brandon, this is Denton." " Denton!" "On a date with a real girl?" "Good for you, buddy." "Mm, it's just kind of like a blind date sort of thing." " Oh." " It's going bad." "Oh, I'm right here." "I figured as much." "Hey, you know what, I made some improvements to the old choo-choo train, if you want to, uh, come." "For like a ride, you know." "Meet me in the parking lot." "That a girl." "Okay so, thank you so much this has been really great." " Yeah." " And uh, yeah." "Good luck with the whole video store job thingy." " Thank you." " Okay, bye!" "Hey, cancel my drink?" "Later, Denton!" "Whenever you're ready, chief." "It's all over folks!" "He fucked that one up!" "That was awesome." "Dad." "Come on, come on." "Let's go to bed, huh?" "[snoring]" "Come on, let's go to bed." "[sighing]" "So, how was the big date?" "It was not good." "It was not, in fact, it was pretty terrible." "[laughs]" "Well, life is a series of miserable dates." "[groaning]" "Terrific." "Now Batting, Jackson Price." "Oh, I got one." "Kendra McNulty." "Kendra McNulty." "She was fine and she would've got that root." "That was a God damn ball!" "Those fucks paid off the ump again." "Ed, stat me." "Well according to this, "Dyke Piazza," you're 0 and 4 for the entire day, so it looks like all that money you spent on glare protection is really working out for you." "Bullshit!" "What the hell is this?" "Oh, it's a list of all the hottest girls we went to school with." "Kendra McNulty?" " Mm." " Please." "You want to talk about fine middle school puss?" "Hayley Matthews." "Oh yeah." "Hayley Matthews, yo, that was the first girl in our grade to have sex, right?" "Hell yeah." "She sucked off Danny Clarke on the 8th grade field trip." "No, that was Mikey Milligan." "How do you know?" "'Cause I was sitting in between them." "She leaned over your dick to suck his?" "Oof." "I cannot believe you let her do a flyover." "Next time a girl tries to do that?" "Air pocket." "Bring her down." "If I could do it all over again, I would have a vault of vag to dive into." "They would call me Scrooge McFuck." "I literally don't think anyone would call you that." "A couple people might." "You guys talking Duck Tales?" "Wait, apologies for getting you wet with a cartoon analogy." "But can you please not interrupt serious conversations about pussy?" "Hey Denton, what do you think?" "You wanna send one of your ladies out here so we can end this and go home?" "I got hot yoga!" "Ugh, I want him dead." "Wiggins, get up there and smash the ball down that motherfucker's throat." "Will do, coach." "Here we go." "Do it, Ken Spiffy Junior." "Mm, two for two." "Good hustle, good hustle, Wiggins." "Good hustle." "Dropping dimes, Brandon." "Now batting, Wiggins." "Come on dude, really?" "You're gonna text during the game?" "It's called sexting you fucking nerd." "Oh yeah?" "Is it pre-paid?" "No." "It's unlimited like your mom." " Strike!" " Shit!" "Jackson, you gotta chill dude." "Have you forgotten?" "When old man Lucas shuts down the video store, our team goes with it." "Look at that old fuck out there." "Rubbing our faces in his shit." "Our faces right in his shit!" "Eddie, honey." "I just finished my work out, but I'm going to go pick up a six pack." "We're still watching the game tonight, right?" "Absolutely, baby." " Alright." " Alright, see you tonight." "Love you!" "[whistles]" "I would totally go big on your wife." "Strike three!" "Goin' down swinging, like your girlfriend on my dick last night." "Joke's on you, I don't have a girlfriend." "Horribly embarrassing." "Bring it in." "You guys suck dick." "Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, madam, fuck you..." "You so want to bone her." "Always have." "Always will." "Oh!" "Hey." "You checking out my mom's ass, perverts?" " Yeah." " No." "I thought that was your step mom's ass." "Fuck you, Jackson." "You fucking Ewok." "By the way, I saw your game today." "0 for 4, nice." "What's this?" "Hand that to me." "You're making a list of all the girls you wish you fucked in school." "That's hilarious, 'cause I have a list of girls I did fuck in school." "Serge here's seen it." "It's a big fuckin' list!" "Hey, Denton could fuck every girl on that list." " Oh, whoa." " Let the man speak." "So you think Denton could get through this whole list?" "Every name?" "Could you do that, Denton?" "Huh?" "I didn't say anything, I... maybe her." "God, I smell a bet coming on." "I wish any of you fuckers had anything of value." "Anything." "I'd drain you for every penny, mm." "In the meantime, we've got a train to catch." "Enjoy tickling each others' pussies, ladies." "Uh, pussy!" "[chugging train noise]" "Woo woo!" "♪ I've got a dangerous feeling ♪" "Phew!" "This place is jumping." "How do you have any movies left?" "What's up guys, how you doing?" "Oh, good, we're just doing some man stuff around the corner." "Figured we'd stop by, say what's up." "'Sup." "We still on for Taco Tuesdays?" "God, yes, please." "Nice." "Any chance we can push that up a little bit?" "I have a training sesh at night." "A training "sesh?"" "Yeah, it's short for session." "Okay." "Who you training tonight?" "I haven't decided yet." "Hi!" "Hey, how's it going." "How's it going?" "Yeah." "Why don't you smell that." "Smell it." "What does that smell like to you?" "Kind of like an envelope." "It smells like a sweaty asshole." "Here, try this one." "Dude, all of your movies smell like a fuckin' asshole." " Smells like a butthole." " Really, I..." "Now my player smells like a fuckin' asshole." "You guys sitting on this shit?" "Delivery for Lucas Gourmet Condoms." "Uh, you know what, actually that goes across the street to the company over there." "They're not getting stuff here 'til the end of the summer." "Those fuckers are getting packages here already?" "I don't give two shits." "This is what it says on the package, this is where I'm dropping it." "Hey, why don't you smell this thing?" "What does that smell like to you?" "Smells like... wet dirty assholes." "What the fuck are you guys doing here?" "Denton, what's up?" "Hi, Br..." "Denise." "That was close, you almost had it." "Sorry, um, you guys are actually already having packages delivered to the video store." "Ooh, sorry." "[over intercom] Denise!" "Oh, one second." "Uh huh, okay, I'll send him back." "Hey!" "Yes?" "Mr. Lucas wants to see you." "He's in Brandon's office." "Okay, just right around the corner." "Oh, uh, h-how does he know I'm here?" "'Cause they're watching, and you have your Taco" "Tuesday with your friends later at La Cabaña." "H-how did you know that?" "Good luck with the old man, okay?" "It'll be fine." "Hey!" "Denton!" "What's up, man?" "Oh, I meant to say congratulations on fucking Danielle." "That's awesome." "Oh I didn't, I didn't." "I'm sorry, wait, wait." "That was me." "I fucked her." "Twice." "We filmed it, actually." "Uh, what was the movie called?" "Oh, uh, "The Great Train Blowjobbery."" "Gimme all your cum, man!" "Uh, did Danielle know you that you were filming her?" "What are you, fucking stupid?" "Like we asked permission to film her?" "Train porno." "It's the world's fastest growing fetish." "We're the Lucas and Sergeberg of the genre." ""Shagheart Express," "Missionary:" "Possible,"" ""Me Hard On The Orient Express."" "Uh, "Trains, Planes, and Cock Is Your Meal."" "Fucking classics, bro." "Amen, sister." "Tell him Mr. Lucas said "fuck you!"" "Denton." "I'm glad you came by." "It's a big day, man." "After my groundbreaking career in the flavored jimmy biz, I'll be retiring at the end of the summer." "So Brandon's you're new point person in regards to the takeover." "Now I want my product in that bullshit video store within ninety days." "Yes, sir." "We've started our move out and uh, we will be out on time." "You damn well better." "You know, you should've just closed that shithole today." "I mean, what the hell have you wasted your whole damn life for in there?" "Well uh, it means something to me, sir." "[melancholic music]" "I can remember all of the best times growing up going to that video store and..." "I made all my best friends there." "And I know people don't rent at a video store anymore." "I know that's kinda in the past, but it's made me who I am." "A huge pussy." "Oh shit!" "Hit him with the low, dog." "[barking]" "Alright, alright." "Son, you're either born a loser or a winner." "Take Brandon here." "The day his momma shit him out of her vag hole..." "God rest her soul." "He hit the ground a winner." "Now, Serge on the other hand." "I'm a real fuck up." "Well, let me tell you what success is." "You see, I wake up in the morning, I slam me down a" "Red Bull and some vodka." "Go clubbing with some young poon." "Take me some viagras." "And at the end of the night, I squeeze me some of the finest little young tatas money can buy." "They're very big." "You see, I can smells success." "Just like the old man, huh?" "Not a friggin' wiff of it on you." "You know what?" "Give these to your old man." "That's barbeque flavor, that's his favorite." "Give him something." "Anything." "As far as you two, don't forget, promotional party tonight." "Peppermint Zebra." "First lap dance is on me." "Yeah, daddy!" "The second lap dance is on me, too!" "Honey, it's 1 o'clock." "It's time for our couples' mani-pedi." "Hi, Denton." "Hi, Kirsten." "Hey, it's Mrs. Lucas to you." "Mhm." "Mani-pedi headache here we go." "Woo!" "Whoa, whoa, whoa, Baker!" "Where the fuck you think you're going?" "Sit down." "Um..." "Are you done being mean to me?" "I got a present for you." "It's a go, bitch." "You tell your little butt buddies at that stupid video store that the CEO of Lucas' Gourmet Condoms signed off on everything." "Rosenburg drew it up in legal." "He's a Jew so I assume it's binding and everything." "You know?" "I'm gonna watch you fail and I'm gonna love every second of it." "Every damn second of it." "Is that..." "Did you..." "Can I go now?" "Get the fuck out of here." "Let's the game begin." " Cocksmoker!" " Better." "What the hell is this?" "There he is!" "That you, lucky motherfucker, is a legal and binding document." "That's right." "Me and Jackson sat down with Lucas' legal team this morning and hammered out all the details." "I have to sleep with twelve girls this summer or the Lucas' get my house?" "Well, you're renting your house to that asshole, Bob." "Technically, you live in the garage." "What are you guys lawyers now?" "Huh?" "Well I actually had a lawyer look over the details." "[phone ringing] [classical music]" "Hello!" "Offices of Charles McDee." "And he may or may not be my uncle." "Uh, a contract?" "Um, yeah, yeah." "You good, man." "You're good." "But don't worry, man." "We did all the legwork for you." "Oh my god." "That, my friend, is nine of your school crushes." "You actually picked out most of them yourself." "Wait, what are the two empty slots for?" "Oh, you get to pick the two wild card bitches." "That's right." "As long as we can prove you went to school with them, you can decide whoever you want." "Well now I think it's time for a celebratory shake." " Gentlemen?" "Yeah?" " No." "100% alright." "Thanks though." "What the fuck's going on here?" " Sorry, Bob." " Sorry, Bob." "Sorry is right, you sorry motherfuckers." "What's those white bitches doing on the wall?" "Oh, these are all the girls that Denton went to school with?" "Yeah, he's gonna fuck them." "He's gonna fuck them?" "That guy is going to fuck them?" "He's going to get fucked?" "You don't necessarily have to sleep with them so you know." "Oh no, you just gotta bust a fat nut." "It doesn't matter how." "Uh, handy, beej, missionary." "Oh, old country, doggie, bukkake." "Gang bang, facial, 69." "Cum dump truck, shitty kitty." "Yo, I like that one." "Shitty kitty, shitty kitty." "Or Siberian jizzsicle." "You know what I like?" "Fucking Nigerian cocksicle." "That's what I like." "The drill this shit out of your big dry fucking asses." " Bye, Bob." " Bye, Bob." " Thanks." " Fuck you." "That's right." "We just need to have solid evidence of each hookup." "Guys, I can't do this." "This is your chance, D." "Your biological cock is ticking, man." "Dude, if you do this, you get 100% of the Lucas" "Gourmet Condom company." "You get everything." "All associated properties and holdings." "The video store stays open and we can still play ball." "Can't lose the team, D." "Jackson might kill himself." "And after what Mr. Lucas did to your dad." "Think about it." "[somber music]" "♪ ♪" "Hey, champ." "Oh hey, Mr. Blossy." "How you doing?" " Hey, kid." " Hi." "Is your dad home?" "Um, nope." "Don't think he's, no." "Uh, is everything okay?" "No, no." "Your dad's been stealing my son's Legos." "What?" "Are you sure?" "I've been picking them up all day." "Legos." "From my house to your house." "He's uh..." "He's had a rough go of it." "Well I think he's getting worse." "[melancholic music]" "♪ ♪" "Maybe those assholes were right." "Fuck yeah we are." "Get up, man." "You got chicks to do." "Wait a minute, what is Scott Quaker doing up there?" "You're gonna laugh at this." "He's actually one of your dates." " No!" "No, no." " Okay, look!" "For two of the dates you only have to kiss." "It's supposed to be twelve girls." "You and Snot Shaker were inseparable in the third grade." "Everybody knows you had a crush on him." "Lucas wouldn't budge." "I didn't have a crush on him." "Listen, guys didn't even like girls in the third grade." "I loved pussy in the third grade." "Ask Wiggins." "Yeah, it was pretty gross." "Here's the docs here for your first date." "We pick the sluttiest one first." "Seventh grade, Haley Matthews?" "I haven't even talked to her in like fifteen years." "Surprise again." "You've actually been talking to her all day online." "We told her you ride a Harley though because she's into bad boys." "You sold me as a bad boy to Haley Matthews?" "How am I actually gonna impress a girl like that?" "This, Denton, clearly isn't doing the trick." "Fuck no." "But, I mean, what's wrong with me?" "I'm fine, right?" "Okay, I guess I'll start." "Um..." "You don't put any product in your hair." "You're always talking about bands that no one's ever heard of." "Like I'm sorry, guys, but who the fuck is Black Sabbath?" "Yeah, man." "You live in a garage." "Wiggins, you live in a garage with me." "Oh yeah." "You're gonna have to shave your shaft." "Your taint, your grundle, your satchel page." "You gotta be as bald as a Scandinavian turtle." "It's gotta fucking shine." "I gotta see my face in your right nut, man." "Look, I'm dressed like a Crip's stepfather right now." "Does it matter?" "No, because I'm confident." "You just gotta be confident in who you are." "Or in this case, who you are not." "Look man, I get it." "You're in a rut." "Are you gonna do something about it?" "If you're not gonna do it for you..." "Alright, let's do it." " Fuck yeah." " Nice." "[upbeat rock music]" "♪ ♪" "[knocking]" "Hi, uh..." "I'm sorry, is this 264 Pacific?" "Denton!" "♪ Hey girlie, what's your name is ♪" "♪ Ass so fat, but that waist so famished ♪" "♪ It's all goody as long as I get a woody ♪" "♪ You can pack, pack with your knack on, baby ♪" " Hi." " Hi, Hailey!" "Oh my god, you look so great." "You look, I can't tell." "I know, right?" "I mean, who would've thought?" "Not me." "[clears throat]" "Where's your Harley?" "Uh yeah, it's in the shop." "Seat's broken." "Oh well, we're all ready to go." "We?" "[upbeat music]" "♪ ♪" "♪ Let me tell you walking out in the wind ♪" "♪ You give all your friends a standing invitation ♪" "♪ I got a loft on Pendham ♪" "♪ Used to be mine ♪" "♪ It's nothing but noise and drinks ♪" "♪ People sleeping everywhere ♪" "♪ ♪ [bowling pins crashing]" "[cheering]" "Rolling Rocks tonight, baby!" "My therapist thought it would be a good idea if I had a major life change." "So here I am." "Wow, this was..." "This is a big one." "Yeah, started a pretty sweet softball team with my buddies." "My dad's building a woman out of Legos." "I sell my sperm at a sperm bank." "I thought you were a cage fighter." "Uh..." "Yeah." "Here's the interesting part of the story." "Well, um..." "The best part of the story is coming right now." "I was living in this apartment and there was this uh, old Asian handyman who taught me to paint fences and wash cars." "Stuff like that." "So um, you know what?" "I was like, this sucks." "Being a teen with problems and no direction, this is not the life I want." "But you know, turns out he was a martial arts master and he taught me a few things." "A blonde kid with feathered hair gave me a rash of shit and I was like..." "Let's enter a tournament together of karate." "And I craned kicked him in the face." "And that sorta thing just, you know, naturally leads to cage fighting." "That's so cool." "Yeah." "What's your finishing move?" "Hm?" "Finishing move, finishing move is the... head butt to the nuts." "Yeah, I get a handful of those nards and just boom, boom, boom, boom." "Six or seven times..." "Wow." "So um, you have a girlfriend or a wife or something?" "Nah, I don't need the Ag." "You know?" "Yeah, it's just my chopper, cage, and tats." "Tattoos?" "Yup, yup." "Yeah, it's a full back piece." "Yeah, hour's work." "It's a yakuza tattoo." "Yeah, but instead of a samurai, it's Arnold Schwarzenegger." "Squat thrusting Mars." "I've got to see that." "Sorry, I can't, baby." "No, can't do it." "What?" "Yeah, it melted off in the explosion when I was escaping the state pen." "Oh my god, that is so hot." "[moaning]" "What is it?" "The sisters warned me this could happen." "What?" "What could happen?" "Sisters." "I will never forget the time we've spent together." "Your life lessons and blessings will stay with me all the days of my life." "Unfortunately, the exorcism performed on my devil pussy has failed." "I want you to fuck me until I tap out." "Holy shit." "Hallelujah." "Hallelujah!" "[pants unzipping]" "Ow, ow!" "Your knee's on my neck." "I'm sorry." "[whistling]" "Eleven to go, boys!" " Yes!" " Yes!" "Nice." "Details, details, details!" "It was not real." "She did like porno stuff." "Of course." "Butthole?" "Uh huh." "Yours?" "[laughs]" "Butthole, butthole, butthole, butthole, butthole, butthole!" "[rock music]" "Yeah!" "Big D's gonna go big over all you bitches." "[yelling]" "It's everywhere." "It's in your mouth." "It's in your fucking mouth." "[yells]" "I would tongue kiss Leo DiCaprio." "What are you saying?" "He has supple lips, it's possible that whenever..." "D, straight up now tell me." "Did you really fuck clap trap Matthews?" "That's disgusting." "Hope you double bagged it, man." "But because I'm a gentlemen and a scholar," "I got you a little present." "Rain jimmies on this bitch." "No." "Come on." "Just stop it." "Hey, gram this." "I wanna keep it." "Hashtag blessed." "Hashtag clean these up you fucking idiots." "Wiggins, hand me a condom." "Brussel sprouts or Thai Sweet Chili?" "Thai Sweet Chili." "[cheering]" "Alright, guys." "Let's throw some greenery on that scenery for Destiny." "Welcome to church, gentlemen." "Oh remember, Ed said smart girls want to be hot and hot girls want to be smart." "What the fuck does Ed know?" "He's home with his wife." "[cheering] [rock music]" "♪ ♪" "[hooting and hollering]" "You must be really good at math to be able to count up all those ones." "Oh yeah, I guess." "I mean, it can be really hard to keep track of especially if people throw in fives when they really like me." "That's a valid point." "Did you wanna get a lap dance?" "They're two for one right now." "That means that you get two lap dances, but you only pay for one." "Wow, you are good at math." "That's..." "I would love one." "Two." "[rap music]" "♪ ♪ [heavy breathing]" "I've just received news from the other side." "The dark lord has special instructions for us." "No, how's he doing?" "He's well and says thank you for asking." "Oh." "You're welcome." "You're welcome." "I'm getting a message from the dark lord himself right now." "What news does he bring?" "Shh." "He says that we should consummate our unholy tryst on this unhallowed ground this very eve." " He does?" " Mhm, yes." "Yes, he does." "Then you must be the chosen one." "I am totally that guy." "Then we must commence this ritual immediately." "Okay." "Here, put this on." "The neighbors are always complaining about the noise." "It'll just take a minute." "[suspenseful music]" "♪ ♪" "Oh, don't worry." "It only hurts a little bit." "[suspenseful music]" "♪ ♪" "[groaning] [yelling]" "[cheering]" "[rock music]" "♪ ♪" "You ready?" "You ready?" "Let's go." "[bell rings]" "[cheering]" "Carly." "Carly." "Hey." "[thud] [yells]" "[shouting] [inaudible yelling]" "[serene childlike music]" "♪ ♪" "That's a big dragon, huh?" "These are big sharp teeth?" "What does he say?" " Rawr!" " Rawr!" "Excuse me, sir." "Can I help you with something?" "Oh no, I'm just checking out this hot chick." "Oh, you know what?" "No, no, I love kids." "I don't love..." "They love..." "Ah, sh..." "Hey!" "Hi." "Oh my god, Denton?" " Oh my god." " Denton Baker?" "From Abrams Elementary, right?" "Yeah, Amanda Morrison." "Look at..." "Wow, you got tall." "You're, you're big." "God, that is crazy." "I can't believe you still hang out with those guys." " Eh." " What is Jackson up to?" "Uh, Jackson thinks he's a personal trainer." "[laughs]" " Wait, what?" " Yeah, yeah." "He got in shape?" "No, no, he did not." "He just uh, he works the graveyard shift at the 24-hour gym." "So like one person comes in and he's like oh I'm personally training them." "Okay, that makes more sense." "Yeah." "What about you?" "What have you been up to?" "Where are you working now?" "Um, I uh, got into cage fighting." "Really?" "Cage like..." "Oh!" "[laughing]" "No, you didn't." "Seriously, where are you working?" "Actually I'm in the movie business." "That's even worse than cage fighting." "Well, it's kinda true." "I still work at Video Fun Time." "Really?" "Still?" "Yeah." "Well, not for much longer actually because the Lucas' bought out the building for their gourmet condom business." "That is..." " That's disgusting." " Yeah." "Um, well this is me." "So um, super cool bumping into you, Denton." "Uh, you know what?" "Would you wanna continue this conversation sometime?" "Nope." "Is that a..." " What..." " Yes." "[laughs]" "Yeah, I'd love to catch up some more." "Cool, cool." "How's 8 tonight?" "Is that..." "Uh, yeah, sure!" "We can get that cup of coffee." "Cool." "Here, let me..." "Meet me here." "Stop looking at my cock, man." "I'm not." "You're peeing on the bathroom side." "I'm doing dishes on the right side." "Where the fuck have you been?" "Well I'm sorry, Schwartzkopf." "I was busy playing stalker at the daycare." "In fact, I'm lucky I didn't get arrested." "Oh yeah, that Morrison chick." "How's she looking nowadays?" "[sighs]" "Great, yeah." "She seems really cool, too." "Yeah?" "How'd you hit that?" "HJ?" "No, I did not." "You know, BJ?" "No." " FJ?" " Ow, get off me." "Did you get one of those FJ's?" "I did not get..." "I didn't get an FJ." "I didn't have quite the time that I needed." "I couldn't close the deal, but right now," "I'm actually going to see Amanda." "But this is a mandatory meeting." "You can do this one without me." "I swear to god, you're doing amazing work." "Goodbye." "Denton, remember to be the man, you have to beat off the man." "It's beat the man." "If you want to be the man, you have to beat the man." "You don't wanna beat him off." "Yeah." "[upbeat music]" "But do you remember that story that you got up in front of the entire second grade class and you read it out loud to everybody?" "Yeah." "Wow, I can't believe you remember that." "Of course I do." "Donny the Lucky Donkey." "Actually it was the Donny, the Down on His Luck Donkey." "[laughing]" "How come?" "How did you never get married?" "Well my dad was in the coast guard so we moved around a lot when I was a kid and then I guess after I got my teaching degree, I carried on the family tradition." "So you're saying you're a gypsy?" "No, I'm not a gypsy." "Sounds like what a gypsy would say." "No, my girlfriends are all getting married and having kids and I'm just happy that I've finally found a place to settle down and write." "So you're a writer?" "Well I'm writing a book." "It's a self-help book about how parents aren't really instilling enough self-confidence in their kids and the affect that it has on them later on in their adult lives." "What about you?" "It's hard to go out and date when you're living in a garage with your dad." "[laughs]" "Oh, that's hysterical." "Oh god, you're really serious." "Ah, kinda." "How did that happen?" "God, I thought your dad was a successful inventor." "Well he was until his greatest invention was stolen out from right underneath him." "What was it?" "Gourmet Condom." " No!" " Mhm." "Wait, how did your dad even come up with the idea for a gourmet condom in the first place?" "I don't wanna do this." "See, we're having a coffee." "It's a really wonderful time." "I don't wanna screw anything..." "Oh, come on." "I can't go back." "You know, once I say it, it can't be unsaid." "I dare you." "Bring it on." "Let's go." "Gross me out." "Well before I was born, my parents went on this kind of zany, wacky diet where they couldn't eat anything after midnight." "My mom goes off to the other room to put on something a little more comfortable." "My dad seeing this as an opportunity to cheat on the diet, grabs BBQ chicken wing and starts mowing down on it." "The fray of all of this, he gets the chicken drippings all over his junk." "Oh, fuck." "My mom sneaks in, surprised the hell out of him." "They're in a position where they're going to have relations." "Phillip, you taste delicious." "And my mom doesn't seem to mind it." "I know." "His wheels starting turning and the rest is history." "My dad doesn't know how to balance a checkbook, let alone run a company." "So Mr. Lucas offers his help." "In the interim, my mom gets sick." "Lucas says, you know what?" "Don't worry about it." "While you're gone, I will get this business started and running." "So we're watching TV a couple weeks later." "And there's an ad for Lucas' gourmet condoms." "Didn't you guys get a lawyer?" "Anything?" "We got a lawyer, we tried to do all that, but my dad didn't have any copyrights." "He didn't have any proof like solid evidence." "And from then on, it's just been this downward spiral." "Oh my god." "That is so fucked up." "But you know what?" "This actually would make a really great example for my book." "Hear me out, your complete and utter lack of self-confidence has led you to be not only jobless, but homeless and girl-less as well." "Oh my god, thank you!" "No, seriously!" "Yet the only thing that you are lacking is testicular fortitude." "What are you talking about?" "Balls, Denton." "Look, I am, I am very confident." "Really?" "Uh, uh hi." "I'm Denton." "Would you maybe like wanna, I don't know, go on a coffee date with me?" "Even though all I'm gonna do is drink peppermint tea." "That was a C minus impression at best." "Oh, really?" "What is this pussy ass drink?" "It's filled with antioxidants and fights cervical cancer." "So you look kinda dumb right now." "Look, this is gonna be the summer that I change your life." "And I get to document it in my book." "Help:" "I Have the Balls of an 8-Year-Old." "Elegant, yet sexy." "I'm gonna go to the bathroom." "You think about it." "I'll be back." "Scream that title again." "What was it?" "Shut up." " Denton." " Whoa!" "You're my fucking hero, man." "It's been an honor watching wet your kilt tonight." "Uh..." "I know you're gonna fuck all these hot bitches." "Mmm." "How do you know about that?" "Sensei Jackson didn't tell you about me?" "I'm his star pupil, man." "Remember a couple years back when that guy had to be cut out of his house." "Yeah." "That was me." "I weighed 750 fucking pounds." "I had to prop my titties up on a towel rack just to dry them off." "That's about when Sensei Jackson found me." "Put me on a grueling training reg." "Had me sucking in his sweet, delicious power shakes." "He fucking saved my life, man." "The dude is a saint." "Hey, will you autograph my cock?" "Nope!" "Hey!" "Uh, you wanna get out of here?" "Yes, let's." "Hope you two had a great night." "You're the shit, dude." "The shit!" "Free video, free video, free video, free video, free video, free video..." "Wiggins, Wiggins!" "Who's that for?" "Me." "Free video, free video..." "You work here." "Why would you..." "Dude wait, one of your crushes are coming." "Who?" "D man!" "What's up, dog?" "High." "Low." "Let me see if you're my bro." "So uh, new release day." "Talk to me." "Any new jizz flicks drop?" "Everything new is in the back, Scott." "Alright, sweet." "I'll be back in a sec because it only takes me a minute to sin it." "You remember now, come on." "He seems like a power top." "You into that?" "Wiggins." "Dude, I am not hooking up with a dude, dude." "Okay, well first of all, if you did, I'm a good enough friend that I wouldn't tell anybody." "Second of all, all you have to do is give him a little bit of tongue and just..." "I'm not gonna do it, man!" "I don't care." "Jackson's gonna have to figure this out." "I'm not gonna do it." "I'll lose the whole bet." "I don't care." "Hey, what bet you boys talking about?" "Nothing, nothing." "Alright, fuck it well, I got my MMA." "I got my porno." "I'm ready to jack and jack off right there, you know." "Hit me." "That's pretty literal." "Okay, we got Ben Her." "Citizen Came." "Woodfellas." "Deep Impact." "Oh no, actually this one's not a porno." "Did you know that?" "I'm a pervert, not an idiot." "Scott, man." "I can't rent you these." "You've had Stop or My Mom Will Squirt out for two years." "Man, Denton your my brother and you know the last decade's been a bit of a buttfuck for me." "You know, my MMA career was going great then I got busted for being on the juice and cycled off to lose the titties and then I started getting my ass kicked real bad." "Had to tap out on the dream." "Listen, okay." "You can rent these, but you gotta bring them back before the store closes, okay man?" "You have my word as a retired man of the cage." "I'll bring these back safely." "Knock on my wood." "He's full of those, isn't he?" "Hey, Denise." " Hi." " Hey." "You know what, these packages keep getting sent over the video store." "I'm sorry." "It's just those guys messing with you I'm sure." "Sure is, motherfucker." "Boom, bitch!" "Dikembe says not in my house." "Hey, Serge, you wanna go old school on this little baby pussy?" " Yeah." " Hey, guys!" "Come on!" "No, no, no, no, no!" "[grunting]" "Oh, does it feel good?" "Higher!" "Higher!" "Hey, hey!" "No wonder you've only at four girls." "You're wearing boxer shorts." "Bitches love briefs now." "Come on, man." "We're going to HM." "We'll buy you some." "[spanks]" "Clean this shit up, Denise." "Yeah, clean that shit up, Denise." "Oh Denton, I'm so sorry!" "Let me help you." "Oh, thanks." "Oh, you know, Denton, we had homeroom together." "Oh, that's right." " In eleventh grade." " In eleventh grade." "[laughs]" "Yeah." "So um, I'm gonna take my fifteen minute break now." "Oh yeah, okay." "Yeah, and that's just enough time for me to suck you off." "What now?" "[electronic music]" "♪ ♪" "Bring it up." "Let's dig deep!" "Dig in!" "Dig in, let's get it!" "Let's get it, you little bitches." "Come on, grandpa." "Pick it up." "Pick it up, Wilfred." "I am number one, you're right." "Thank you." "Why don't you hop on a bike, Uncle Jemima?" " Here we go." " Jesus Christ, man." "Calm down." "What are you rushing the bloods and the crips, dude?" "I'm wearing both colors to signify unity." "Oh, that's kinda cool." "Come on, grandpa." "You can do it." "So uh, funny bit of news." "I just got surprise fellatio from the receptionist that works at Lucas..." "Denise Davids?" " Yes!" " Oh shit." "You are so screwed." "What?" "World class psycho stalker." "You know in school when those girls made those origami things to predict who their soulmate was?" " Yeah?" " She rigged hers." "Rigged the fucking thing, dude." "Gross." "Yeah, she had one of those things where like..." "You know when one person loves another person like a lot, but the other person loves the other person more." "She got a restraining order against her." "Okay, okay." "She's nuts for real." "She had her dog baptized." "[phone ringing]" "Hello?" "It's her." "[upbeat music]" "Gotcha." "Uh, you've reached the voicemail of Denton." "Leave a message." "Wow." "Beep." "Not convincing." "I didn't do a good job at all." "No." "[suspenseful music]" "♪ ♪" "No one's home." "Oh god." "What is that smell?" "[laughs]" "Denton, Denton, Denton." "You've been busy, girl." "Hey, Serge, Go wet that bed." "Alright." "Think the tall fuck's got it in him?" " Nah." " I'm gonna piss on top." "What the fuck's going on here?" "Who the fuck are you?" "What are you doing here?" "Tell him what we're doing here." " We broke in." " Mm." "Obvious yes, you're fucking break in." " Can I talk to you?" " I got this, B." "Can you come here a little bit?" "Are you fucking sure?" "Whoa, he's got a knife." "Yeah, I see that." "It's fine, it's fine, it's fine!" "Well why are you here?" "I need information about this bet." "I wanna ruin their lives, alright?" "I hate Denton." " I hate him, too." " Good, good!" "Maybe there's a way we both get what we want." "Two blowjobs." "He's touching my dick." "Here's the deal." "I need information about this bet." "Every time you find something out, you give me a call." "I give you cash." "[angelic music]" "♪ ♪" "I present to you Sarah Dawn Samuels." "Wow, what is she doing here?" "Well auditioning for reality TV all day, only time she has to work out is at night." "During my shift." "I'm her personal trainer so to speak." "We've spent some time together." "Through all that bonding, I've learned her deepest desires and darkest secrets." "Her scent is that of a rose garden after a midsummer's rain." "She's a siren in the water." "She calls to me and only I hold the key to her soul's relaxation." "It pains me to betray my lady, but it's for the good of the bet." "I hold in my hand her one Achilles' heel." "Or should I say, Achilles' crotch." "Whoa!" "That's a serious pre-op moose knuckle." "It looks like six dollar burger." "If it ever gets out, she's ruined." "Really, Jackson?" "We're resorting to blackmail now." "Yeah, super." "Now we're sexual predators." "Sexual predators?" "What are we just walking the streets looking for houses for teddy bears in the window to wander into?" "Not in my wildest dreams." "Sorry, baby." "[door opens]" "Jackson, just give me..." " Stop, stop it!" " Hi, Sarah." "Stop it!" "Jackson!" "[exhales]" "[laughs] [upbeat music]" "♪ Romeo's got nothing on me ♪" "♪ Last night I found a love undercover in my sheets ♪" "♪ I didn't get out of bed for weeks ♪" "♪ Romeo's got nothing on me ♪" "♪ Romeo's got nothing on me ♪" "♪ Woke up in a haze ♪" "♪ Grabbed my microphone and my briefcase ♪" "♪ Stepped out the door and felt flat on my face ♪" "♪ Eyes glazed, the must get played ♪" "♪ Gravity fights me from every which way ♪" "♪ And my how my mind just changes ♪" "♪ It's an off day, the sky's all Grey ♪" "♪ But if it rains, you'll find me swimming ♪" "♪ I've been living in a dream that used to seem so real ♪" "♪ I used to feel so... ♪" "♪ Last night I found a love undercover in my sheets ♪" "♪ I didn't get out of bed for weeks ♪" "♪ Romeo's got nothing on me ♪" "♪ Romeo's got nothing on me ♪" "♪ Last night I found a love undercover in my sheets ♪" "♪ I didn't get out of bed for weeks ♪" "♪ Romeo's got nothing on me ♪" "♪ Romeo's got nothing on me ♪" "♪ Nothing on me ♪" "♪ On the carpet, stains from wall to wall ♪" "♪ An apartment full of alcohol ♪" "♪ I sleepwalk around my lonely orbit ♪" "♪ And the ocean calls and says ♪" "♪ Find that girl before she's gone ♪" "♪ She might have a crush, but it won't last long ♪" "Hi, Denton." "♪ I didn't get out of bed for weeks ♪" "♪ Romeo's got, Romeo's got, Romeo's got... ♪" "♪ Nothing on me ♪" "Hey, dad." "What are you doing up so early?" "No time for sleep." "Your stepmother is getting close." "Oh yeah, she's..." "She's looking sharp." "You know, actually grab a seat." "I've been meaning to talk to you." "Is everything okay?" "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "I'm fine." "So you and second grade, uh..." "Amanda Morrison." "Yeah, Amanda." "You guys are spending a lot of time together this summer." "Yeah, she's uh, she's really great." "You think she'd be okay with this whole bet thing you got going on?" "What the hell do I know?" "A guy making a woman out of plastic, right?" "Give me the glue, will you?" "[laughing] [cooing]" "Um..." "Planet of the Apes." "No." "No, no, no." "[cooing]" "Planet of the Apes with Marky Mark?" "God, God, no!" "[cooing]" "Oh!" "Sloth from the Goonies!" "No, no!" "I'm Harry." "I'm Harry from Harry and the Hendersons." "I've never seen it." "You're kidding me." "You've never seen Harry and the Hendersons?" "No." "God, that was on my favorite VHS tape." "What are you talking about?" "Yeah, no." "Okay..." "When I was growing up, my dad he made us this VHS tape that had like six movies on it." "It was made in that super poor person's speed." "I guess you weren't poor, okay." "Well it had uh, Blackstar Fighter, Flight of Dragons," "Beast Master, Monster Squad, and Harry and the Hendersons." "[laughs]" "Hey look, um..." "I've been thinking." "Summer's almost over and I've had a really great time hanging out with you." "I know that we are just friends, but what if we..." "We went?" " What if you and I..." " What if you and I..." " Went out?" " If you wanted..." "What if you and I went..." "On a date?" "Are you?" "You are, you're asking me out." "Are you asking me out on a proper date?" "What if I was?" "Ah, I'd really have to do the maths on that." "I don't know." "Probably think about it." "Quite frankly, I'm not attracted to you." "It would be me doing you a favor." "[laughs]" "Really?" "You know, were you in a grease fire or something because your face... [laughs]" "Maybe I can change your mind." "Denton!" "Where have you been?" "Grab me some cans of beer and a handful of those grapes and let's get the hell out of here." "It's cool." "We can pick up where we left off later on tonight." " Tonight?" " Yeah!" "On our first official date." "Where?" "It's a surprise." "Just pick me up here later after work." "Okay." "[honking]" "Well thanks a lot, man." "I was just about to kiss her." "You haven't hooked up with her yet?" "You've seen her fifty times this summer." "You're gonna fuck this up." "How?" "What are you talking about?" "You're in love with her." "I am..." "That is not..." "How would one know though if they were in love?" "Close your eyes." "Okay." " Imagine yourself fucking her." " Okay." "Her pants are around her ankles, she's bent over the bed." "It's really hot, her hair's kinda tussled." "You just blew a load right inside her." " Epic." " Okay." "Alright." "I mean, you've stained her soul." "What do you wanna do next?" "I kinda just wanna cuddle." "Fuck." "How are you supposed to focus, man, when you're all fucking puppy dogs and ice cream upstairs?" "Where are we going even?" "Hey, guys." "This fucking guy's gonna do it." "He has eight or nine fucking bitches there already." "Yeah, I'm telling you." "The guy has a cock like a fucking gold cock, man." "That's very unfortunate news, Bob!" "It's like a fucking broken fire hydrant." "You should see the kid spraying." "This is fucking jizz fucking city." "And one of these fucking children, the mother came..." "She slipped on the jizz." "You okay?" "Because if you're not okay, I'm not okay." "He's doing much better than I thought he would." "I can't lose this bit to that lanky fuck." "We gotta get serious, real serious." "Operation Derailment Serious." "Denise!" "Sit down." "[exhales]" "You nervous?" "No." " You look nervous." " Nope." "She look nervous to you?" "Definitely looks nervous." "I'm not nervous." "I'm gonna cut to the chase." "We know you know about the bet." "We know you're one of the girls." "And we know you blew Denton in the lobby." "There's a video." "Serge here has seen it." "Yeah, it was a sweet fucking BJ." " Thank you." " You're welcome." "Here's what you need to do for me." "Help me win the bit." "How do I help you win the bit?" "I can't unblow him." "Well you're a crazy super stalker, right?" "You got his passwords and shit." "Just his social media info, email accounts, social security number, home phone, home address, parent's phone, parent's address." "I'm gonna stop you right there." "Uh, we actually just need you to log into one of his email accounts and send an email to Amanda Morrison." "Alright?" "Pretend to be Denton." "Say it's an emergency." "I don't give a fuck." "However you do it." "Get her over to that garage battle station that they have." "When she sees what he's really up to, she's never gonna talk to him again." "Let alone fuck him, am I right?" "And then we got this in the bag." "Paper or plastic!" "Or bring your own bag and save the environment or something." "He's just such a good guy." "I don't feel comfortable like messing up his whole thing." "That's so cute she thinks she has a choice." "You're gonna feel comfortable with it or you're gonna be fired." "Oh." "Go now psycho." "What are you doing?" "Do my bidding." "What are you doing?" "Just get the fuck out of here." " Okay!" " Get the fuck out of here." " You just had to say that." " Go!" "[speaking Spanish]" "I don't understand you two." "Yo, did you watch that tape?" "Oh yeah." "Crazy ones can really suck a dick, am I right?" "I know, I'm going to the psych ward for my next blowjob." "Ah!" "[gurgling]" "Well this is the place." "Looks like a fucking shithole." "Wait, Kendra lives here?" "Yeah, and she thinks you're a doctor." "So you're gonna want to suit up." "I'm getting a disease just looking at this place." "Are you packing jimmies?" "No." "That's okay." "I got plenty in the glove." "Wait a minute, why do you have a water pistol in your..." "Oh, that's not an ordinary water pistol." "It's filled with your seed." "Why do you have a water pistol filled with my seed in here?" "Oh well, you know that place you donate sperm?" "Yeah?" "Well yeah, I snuck in in the middle of the night and grabbed a bunch of your cum and filled up this water pistol here." "Why?" "Well, you know, just in case there was some chicks you couldn't pull down." "It's a contingency plan." "Okay." "You know what?" "Just give me that back." " It's my cum." " I need it." "You know what?" "I got money..." " This is important?" " Can I have my..." "Give me my cum back!" " Geez." " Sorry." "You know, I always knew you'd be successful." "I have great intuition with men." "Except for the ones that I marry." "You got a little one, do you?" "Mm!" " Seven." " No shit." "Four boys, three girls." "But they're with their respected fathers tonight." "Hm." "I thought that uh, it'd be nice to give us a little privacy since you were so kind to take a house call, doctor." "Doctor..." "Mhm." "Is so formal." "You know, just call me Denton." "Just regular old Denton will do." "So what seems to be the situation?" "Oh yeah." "My wrist." "It's like really been giving me trouble." " It really hurts to..." " Oh, take a look." "Think it could be?" "Um..." "Do you think you could help?" "I do, I do." "Uh..." "Let's have a... listen to the old ticker." "Yeah, yes." "Oh yeah." "I've heard this before." "I'm afraid you have poor circulation." "And I think you could be in immediate danger." "Oh my!" "What should we do?" "Well I think we should probably start by getting you out of that tight, restrictive top." "Yeah, maybe even those tight, tight, tight pants." "Uh, are you sure?" "Oh yes, very sure." "Very sure." "It's the first thing we learn in doctor school." "Oh, that must have been so hard." "Oh, it was." "Yes, it certainly was." "But when you see the look of pure laughter on a baby child's face after a successful brain appointment it makes everything worth it." "You know that you're doing the lord's work." "These hands, I'll tell you, they've seen some stories." "♪ The others are coming to take us away ♪" "♪ I don't know what they want cause they never say ♪ [moaning]" "Denton!" "Denton, it's me!" "Amanda?" "Denton, I got here as fast as I could." "Is your dad okay?" "Mr. B, Mr. B, Mr. B!" " Wake up, wake up, wake up!" " Damn you, Phil Collins!" "Amanda Morrison is here." " Who?" " Second grade!" "Denton, are you in there?" "No, no!" "What are we gonna do?" "What are we gonna do?" "Uh, one second." "I gotta put my pants back on." "Me too, me too." "Denton, are you home?" "[suspenseful music]" "♪ ♪" "What the hell is this?" "[laughing]" "Fuck me, Scott." "No, I'm Denton." "No, no, Scott's my fiancé." "Did you just finish?" "No, I don't..." "Wait, you have a fiancé?" "Of course you have a fiancé." "Kendra, I'm home." "Give me a beer." "Make sure it's cold as shit from that new fridge, you know?" "Hey, Denton!" "What ya doing here, boy?" "It's great to see you." "Wait a minute, you're not here for them movies, is ya?" "Because you know, I really do need a little more time on those, you know, but uh..." "Wait a minute, why is she in her undies?" "And why does grandpa have a chubbie?" "[inaudible shouting]" "Bing!" "Grandpa!" "Did my woman suck this man's cock?" "No." "Sucked it real good." " You!" " You seen it?" "Licked his pooper hole, too." "Oh, his butthole." "No, Scott." "My butthole is unlicked today." "You little adulterer, coming into my beautiful home, making my angel eat at your gas station." "I got some bad, bad news for you, boy." "Your timing's all sorts of shit because I'm back on the juice, motherfucker." "I'm sorry, doc." "He's gonna fuck you up." " Yeah, that's right." " Scott, Scott!" "Just calm down for just a second." "Yeah, yeah." "What you got, what you got?" "Fuck that shit, boy." "Come on, bring it on." "Come on, dog." "Cool your motherfucking jets, Scott." "What are you gonna do?" "Shoot me with a water gun?" "Do not make me pull this trigger." "Go time!" "[echoed yelling]" "♪ You can come on me with your love ♪" "♪ Rain on down from the sky above ♪" "♪ Come on me with your love ♪" "Wiggins!" "Dad!" "You're not gonna believe this." "I just hooked up with Kendra and I shot a load into Scott's mouth." "What?" "Well not technically I didn't shoot..." "No, no, no, technically I did." "It doesn't matter!" "The point is..." "I'm about to win this fucking..." "Bet?" "I'm part of a bet?" "Look, look, look..." " I can explain." " Oh, you can explain?" "I don't think that needs explanation." "This is disgusting." "Are you kidding right now?" "Don't touch me!" "I am so freaked out right now." "I never want to see you again." "Don't say that." "Amanda, please..." "Don't." "Who are you?" "Yeah, man..." "Who are you?" "[folk music]" "♪ I've been run out of town ♪" "♪ Oh I've been run out of town ♪" "Heard the big news." "You fucked it all up." "I gotta admit, for a second there you had me genuinely concerned." "Nine girls, one guy." "Not bad." "I tip my dick to you, sir." "You actually came here just to be a dick to me?" "Listen to me, you quivering pussy." "This bet was your shot." "I gave it to you on a silver fucking platter." "But you, as you do, kept up the family tradition." "Failure." "So I think my family can't take anything else from your family." "My dad takes your dad's company." "I take this shithole you call a video store, and then tomorrow when you lose that bet, I'm gonna make you and daddy homeless." "You know why?" "Cause you and all your little friends, you're all a bunch of fucking weirdos." "I win, you lose." "Suck my dick." "See you at the game tomorrow." "You can sick my dick." "...watching anime porn and I catch the dude..." "What the fuck are you doing, man?" "What's it look like I'm doing, Jackson?" "Okay, dude, chill." "Clearly you just need to talk about..." "Talk about what, Ed?" "Huh, how you two ruined my life?" "Dude, you were this close to winning the bet." "Don't you dare back out now." "I don't fucking care about the bet." "I don't care about the bet." "I've lost the only person I wanna be with." " Scott Quaker." " God..." "It's not, I didn't..." "God damnit!" "What?" "She'll understand, right?" "We'll just go by her house, explain the situation she'll get it." "She'll understand what, Ed?" "That she was right?" "She's part of some stupid bet that my friends got me into." "I cannot believe I let you guys convince me to do this." "Fuck you." "Fuck me?" "Dude, you sit here all day bitching and moaning about your life and things that happen to you." "Be it girls, or your job." "Man, fuck, even us!" "And when shit doesn't go your way, you go on the fucking rag and just bitch about how shit Denton's life is." "Back me up on this, Wiggins." "I still wet the bed." "I can't really talk." "God damn shame." "Are you kidding me?" "How shit my life is?" "Jackson, when's the last time you hooked up with a chick?" "What was it years?" "And by the way, your shakes suck." "And you, Ed?" "You are so full of shit." "You're this love guru, but except the only girl you've ever been with you married." "You two have been living vicariously through me, but it's not you who has the shit life." "It's me!" "Get out." "Just get out of here." "All of you." "And take this trash with you." "Come on, Wiggins." "Wiggins, get out here." " Get the fuck out!" " Wiggins!" "Wiggins, get the fuck out of here!" "You've upset Wiggins." "Wiggins, go." "He's a fucking mess." "I'll leave you one." "I'll leave you one." "Go!" "Wiggins is my friend now." "He's..." "Get out, get out!" "D-dad." "Not you, you don't have to go." "I refuse to let the lovely Legos lose her virginity in this den of sadness." "You need to be alone right now anyway, son." "You got a lot to think about." "[folk music]" "♪ ♪" "♪ Edie and me ♪" "♪ Cold in the heat ♪" "♪ Standing on rocks ♪" "♪ Burning out feet ♪" "♪ We'll be fill, be rich ♪" "♪ If the damn stuff burns green ♪" "♪ Just her and me and a twenty mule team ♪" "♪ And the rocks is a haven ♪" "♪ But in the sun, we'll be lazy ♪" "♪ Losing track of the time in the cool spring ♪" "Your dad's coming." "Oh yeah." "Oh, how'd it go with lady Lego?" "It was horrible." "We all went to the field last night." "He got butt naked and made us all gather around her as he mounted her right over there on home plate." "On first thrust, she exploded into a million pieces." "He just sat there defeated as his bruised old boner went limp." "Saddest shit I've ever seen." "Well, well, well..." "Look at these video fun fucks." "You guys excited, huh?" "You like the smell of the field, the cut grass, the stands full of quivering lady pussies waiting for the B dog to satisfy them?" "Hm?" "God, I wanted to see you guys lose, but to see you lose in front of a packed house, life is fucking sweet." "Like brown sugar on white pussy." "Oh, hey look, y'all, President and CEO of Goldman Nutsucks." "Sorry, guys, I don't speak poor person." "Mary Kate." "Ashley." "You ladies eighteen yet?" "Jackson, I know you're gonna miss this most so really try and enjoy it, okay?" "Good luck out there, ladies." "Whoa!" "He almost hit that truck." "[dramatic music]" "♪ ♪" "Gentlemen." "It's been an honor serving with you on that battlefield." "You fought like warrior poets in the days of old, but I ask you one last time to fight with me." "Can you do that?" "Fight with me!" "[yelling]" "Spit on me." "I got some in my mouth." "Thanks for coming out, folks, to the last game of the season." "It's gonna be a doozey." "Now batting, Jackson Price." "[coughing]" "What's in this?" "Jackson's shake masterpiece." "The final cuntdown." "That was a good pitch." "There's something I need to talk to you about." "Oh yeah?" "What is that?" "Balls on chin." "Dude, I'm not in the mood for jokes right now, man." "Remember the tri-county little league championships?" "Yeah, yeah." "Who could forget?" "You got hit in the face twice in one game." "Taking those two balls to the chin was the best thing I ever did." "Why, what do you mean?" "Everyone knew I wasn't gonna get on base and if I struck out, which I was going to, the game would've been over, right?" "My only option to get on base was to get hit by a pitch." "Wait a minute, you did that on purpose?" "Yeah, I had to drink through a straw for three months and it was worth it." "We won because I didn't accept the shitty hand of cards that fate dealt me." "I took destiny into my own hands." "Old man opportunity knocked, the sixth grade version of myself answered the door, and then I took his two balls on my chin." "[upbeat music]" "No, no!" "No, no, no!" "Run, run." "Where's your glove?" "Where's your glove?" "Safe." "[cheering]" "Good lead off, red." "Fuck all your mothers." "All of them." "You're up, D." "Let's light this bitch up." "On your games, boys." "[somber music]" "Now batting, Denton Baker." "Son of a bitch." "Dude, you suck." "Strike." "You know what, Lucas?" "Oh, you want some esse?" "According to this contract, the bet's not over til the end of this season, right?" "Yeah." "Well there's still eight innings left to win this thing." " Okay, okay." " Hey, Jackson." "Game's not over, boys!" "You're right." "I have been a pussy." "I need you to stall this game." "[groaning]" "Uh oh!" "Help!" "Oh my jockstrap is twisted around my balls." "Oh, come on." "Delay of game, blue!" "You know, I wanted to wear it like Maris did during his 61 homerun season." "I read that he did that on the back of his baseball card." "This is bullshit, Jackson." "I'm a bit of a card collector." "Uh, Tops." "Hey, focus!" "Don't look at him!" "Look at me." "Don't look at me." "Fleer, Waxpacks." "Where you going?" "To take a set of balls on the chin." "What?" "What, is he gay now?" "No, no, it's a metaphor." "Uh, Honis Wagner of the Honis Wanger card." "Blue!" " Delay of game." " Wayne Gretsky." "Oh god!" "Oh, it's like a hangman's noose!" "[upbeat rock music]" "♪ ♪ [inaudible lyrics]" "♪ ♪" "And that was the Sneeches by Dr. Seuss." "Do you guys know what the moral of the story is?" "The moral of the story is that there was this one boy sneech who was confused." "What are you doing?" "There was this girl sneech who was amazing and beautiful and funny and confident in who she is and he thought to himself." "He thought, you know what?" "You know what I need?" "I need, I need, I need a couple stars under my belt to really impress this girl." "The girl sneech." "So he goes over to his boys in Whoville and he says to them..." "They were like, you know what, dude?" "You need, you need to be confident." "You need to be like the Cat in the Hat." "So he goes over and he slams some beers with" "Thing 1 and Thing 2, he hits the town, he hooks up with a bunch of chicks." "That's not who he is." "That's not what he's about." "He's more like the Lorax in reality." "Planting grickle grass, and climbing truckular trees, and smoking cheese with the Barbaluts." "What are you trying to say?" "Amanda, I fell in love with you this summer." "I screwed it up." "I just screwed it up." "But you need to know that the man that I was when I was with you, that's who I really am." "Yeah, the sneech may have stolen a blind girl's glasses and shot a jizz pistol in a dude's mouth." "That happened." "That did." "I'm not asking you for a second chance." "If this is the last time I get to see you then I understand, but you need to know that from now on" "I'm gonna be who I really am." "Who I always was." "The sneech knows where his real star is." "Okay." "Okay." "I'm so lonely." "[cheering]" "How we doing, boys?" "Good, man." "Bottom of nine, all tied up." "How'd it go?" "Um, not the smoothest actually." "But at least I came clean to her." "Yeah, well you're a better man for it and all that." "Right." "You're up, D." "Here we go!" "Here we go!" "Big D." "Here we go." "Move it back." "Here we go." " Big hitter, big hitter!" " Denton." "Let's go." "Dead man walking." "Everyone's getting fucked in the ass." "I'm gonna fuck so many bitches in your house, it's gonna be disgusting." "Every single one of these fucks is getting fucked in the ass." "Yeah, you're whole bedroom is gonna be painted in my semen." "Time out!" "Are you..." "Hey, hi, hi!" "Denton, did you really mean what you said?" "It's the most honest I've been all summer." "This is bullshit." "Is this bet really that important to you?" "No." "Come on." "It's not as important as being with you." "Let's play ball." "[dramatic music]" "♪ ♪" "Oh!" "Oh, oh, oh!" "I gotta full on Louisville Chubber." "Me too." "[cheering]" " Now go win this game." " Okay." "[cheering]" "Hey, Amanda?" "Hi, Amanda Morrison?" " Yeah." " I'm Denise Davids." "You don't know me." "Listen, I'm not gonna hurt you, okay?" "I do have to show you something right now." "It's important." "You may not like it." "But you might." "Here we go, D." "Knock his cock right off of his body." "We want pain, we wanna see blood." " Here we go!" " Alright." "Let's see what you got." "[phones ringing]" "This one's for you, daddy." "Oh son, I'm so proud of you." "Here we go, D. Right in his pussy." "Right in his pussy." "Here we go." "Here we go." "Big hitter, big hitter." "[phone ringing]" "You always made me proud, and you know what, your momma was proud, too." "[phone buzzing]" "Yo, B, we got a problem, dog." "Don't answer it." "Shut up." "Last night's movie leaked." "Are you shitting me?" "Is this train going to Paris?" "Why indeed it is, ma'am." "All aboard." "Next stop, the Eiffel Tower." "I love big, erect things." "Well you are in luck, ma'am, because we have two." "[gasping]" "Let's get a moving here." "Oh my god." "[moaning]" "Full steam ahead!" "[train honking] [moaning] [dramatic music]" "♪ ♪" "[triumphant music]" "♪ ♪" "[cheering]" "Fuck what you stand for!" "Fuck everything that you like!" "Yes!" "[cheering]" "You fucking..." "You little son of a bitch!" "Shut the fuck up, old man!" "Hey, you know what, Jackson?" "You can have the game." "You'll never play in this league again." "Denton lost the fucking bet." "Actually, Lucas, no, he didn't." "You're bitch 11." "He's still one bitch shy." "That means your house is mine." "And I'm gonna burn it to the goddamn ground right after I take a huge shit in it." "Denise." "I think you have one more text message to send." "What?" "For our next motion picture, the Pole Her Express." "Is this train going to the south pole?" "Uh, it isn't, ma'am, but you can go south on my pole." "Ah, let me slide on down here." "[moaning] [indistinct moans]" "Oh, lord, here we go." "Santa's dropping his load." "[coughing]" "That's a whole lot of egg nog." "You're welcome." "Merry Christmas to you." "Twelve girls in one summer." "Damn!" "As my first official act as the new CEO of Mr. B's" "Gourmet Condoms..." "Mr. Lucas, you're fucking fired." "Brandon, you are super fucking fired." "What the hell is going on, huh?" "The contact signed by Brandon himself." "Daddy, I can explain." "You goddamn fucking moron!" "Daddy, I'm sorry!" "You greedy little shit." " I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" " Jesus fucking..." "Yeah, that's right." "You guys can suck our black dicks." "Yeah, man." "You can suck all our black dicks." "That's right, boy." "Now as my second official act as the CEO, I intend to return the company back to its original owner and creator." "The world's greatest inventor." "My dad." " Me?" " Yes." " You're giving it to me?" " Yes" " Me?" "Oh my god." " Yeah." "I kinda have a thing for inventors." " And you." " No." "But there's still something that I owe you." "Boom!" "Dad!" "Dad?" "That's right, Brandon." "We throw low around here." "[grunts]" "Rain jimmies on these bitches." "Get 'em up!" "Throw 'em up!" "All of them!" "Get all of them!" "Look, Amanda, about these last couple months." "Screw your past." "Besides, I still haven't told you about my summer." "What?" "♪ Saying ain't nobody can stop me, ♪" "♪ they better sit back and watch me ♪" "♪ Fo' really though, these niggas is silly though ♪" "♪ They think that I'm floppy ♪" "♪ No this isn't Kinko, you cannot make copies ♪" "♪ And just cause you're a dick, gives you no right to be cocky ♪" "♪ Feelin' like I'm holy though, flownin' like it's snowin' ♪" "♪ Me and 4, 5 of the homies girls acting like they know me ♪" "♪ Cause my Rollie though ♪" "♪ Well this is just the life of knowing you the shit ♪" "♪ And I don't think I'm ever finna quit ♪" "♪ Party at my place, we gon' be faded ♪ ♪ It's gon' be fun, you're all invited ♪" "♪ And I'mma going bring my friends, ♪" "♪ we'll have a good time ♪" "♪ Under the sun, we'll have fun, ♪" "♪ fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, ♪" "♪ fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, ♪" "♪ We gon' have fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, ♪" "♪ fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun ♪" "♪ Well this is over fuckin' weirdo game had zero ♪" "♪ Makin' white money I call it that Rob De Niro ♪" "♪ Young cuz known to make your buzz disappear-o ♪" "♪ One diss song will drop your followers to zero, ugh!" "♪" "♪ A yo doggy duder did you really think ♪" "♪ That you could do do do do anything as good as me?" "♪" "♪ You need a shrink yo, think you're good as me?" "No ♪" "♪ If you really think so, you must really think slow ♪" "♪ Cause you're not ♪" "♪ See girls is on my jock round the clock, ♪" "♪ cause I'm probably hot ♪" "♪ I could make a fucking country song and it'll probably bop ♪" "♪ A yo Taylor, I'd really love to nail her ♪" "♪ I could rock the boat if she'd let me be her sailor ♪" "♪ Aww geez it's that leather Chuck T ♪" "So let me get this straight." "You own the company." "Yup." "You stole the company." "Yup." "You won it back because your son won a bet where he had to sleep with twelve girls in a summer." "A whole summer." "You nailed it." "Huh!" "Gluten free." "Gluten free." "[electronic music]" "♪ ♪"