"Murder Most Horrid" "Confess" "Two bullets." "One to the head, one to the chest." "There was a note." "One for me, one for my brother." "We know Dave had a cury and watched a video Maybe with the killer." "A neighbour saw a Volvo parked parked outside about 9 pm." "Time of death 11 pm." "Any questions?" "Um, yes, what was the video please?" "The Lion King." "Right." "Right." "The Lion King." "That could be a clue." "What?" "That he was killed by a lion?" "I'miust exploring an avenue." "Dave Jones was our colleague." "Dave Jones was our friend." "There's a cop killer out there." "Well." "Well!" "Get the bastard!" "Evemhing's got to be clever with you, hasn't it?" "You watch too much telly." "Episode 1 is a dead body and bloke standing next to it with a gun." "But he didn't do it." "Oh no, it was the little old lady from the sweet shop." "How's your sex life?" "I have my moments, thank you." "Oh sad." "I have hours and hours and hours." "Are you ready?" "Or is that lust the undercoat?" "Bum's looking nice today, Mark." "Help yourself." "Later." "Keep it warm for me though hey." "Very sure of yourself, aren't you?" "Of course, you know what that means?" "Actually deep down, you're very very unsure of yourself." "It's always the insecure that are the most secure." "Really?" "Yeah." "Yeah, and it's always the short who are the most tall." "Oh there's something in your eye." "Oh no, I thought I saw a spark of intelligence." "It isn't." "Ha ha." "Recognise him?" "No." "David Jones." "Look him up." "Detective Chief Inspector David Jones." "I'm not always here." "I get staffto run it." "D. Jones. 91 Maygrove Road." "The Lion King." "He's overdue." "Hmm, well the night he took that out, he was murdered." "Oh does that mean I won't get it back?" "Aah, you see." "That's your mind Mr Foster." "I love minds." "That's why I joined the force." "But what about you?" "Why do you run a video shop?" "Do you wish your life was more like a video?" "Do you wish you could rewind it and see where you went wrong?" "No." "Oh." "Right, well, thank you." "Thank you." "Aah, you see, thank me." "Why?" "What have I done?" "Nothing." "You said thank you, so I said thank you." "Okay." "Right." "We know where you are... right?" "Next time, he's mine." "Thank you." "What do you mean 'next time'?" "He's a villain." "I can smell it." "Ooh!" "Yeah well obviously I wasn't ready that time." "Yeah obviously." "Go on, ty again." "That's two hours in the gym every day, that." "Oh yeah, fancy two hours of me, do ya?" "Well?" "Oh yes, I got him!" "Nice work, pal." "Thank you." "We got him, thank you." "Oh." "Very good." "Very good." "Volvo, very good." "Brown shirt, very good." "Not bad." "You got no prints, you got no weapon." "But you got the killer alright." "He's mine, Sir." "She'll get nothing." "I'll fy his balls for breaMast." "Is that what you want, Sir?" "Cooking?" "Sit down, Cole." "Why did I put you two together?" "Look." "Look!" "You're a team." "Hard cop, soft cop, that's the way it works." "Every animal needs a brain." "Understand?" "Nod then." "Nod." "Nail them... together." "I'll give you the world." "You're ripe for promotion." "Ripe." "But you'll need a confession my peaches." "Bring him in." "That's um, mousse, Sir." "Oh right." "Thank you, Sir." "Thank you." "Bastard!" "Oh Christ, you're an ugly bastard!" "Don't you listen to her, Frank." "You're rugged." "Well, may the best woman win." "She will." "Yes, she will." "I'm waiting." "Right, this intenriew commences at 21:44." "Those present in the room are Sergeant Cole," "Sergeant Hodge and Frank Foster." "Mr Foster has declined a solicitor." "You are Frank Reginald Foster of 23 Woodlands, London, N8?" "I am." "What's the matter Frank?" "Don't like solicitors?" "I don't need one." "I'm innocent." "In 1975..." "You don't find them a little bit boring?" "Just making conversation Frank." "Getting to know you, you know." "Cary on, Sergeant." "Thank you, Sergeant." "In 1975, you were convicted of the murder of William 'Billy Boy' Brown." "You were sentenced to life imprisonment." "You served 12 years." "In 1987 you were released." "Have you flown in my aunt from Melbourne?" "No!" "Sorry, I thought this was This Is Your Life." "That's good." "That is good." "Do you mind if I write that down?" "Aunt from Melbourne..." "Your brother Ronald served 5 years for aiding and abetting." "Do you remember the name ofyour arresting office?" "David Jones." "On the day of your release, you met Vincent 'Headbanger' Harris at the Pussy Galore Club in Braintree, Essex." "Aah, Essex." "We have a sworn statement from Mr Harris." "You said: 'I'm going to get Jones if it's the last thing I do'." "A sworn statement from Headbanger Harris?" "Ha ha ha!" "Where do you keep it?" "In a drawer with your 9 bob notes?" "More grass than Wembley Stadium, that one." "Ha ha ha!" "That's very good." "That is very good." "Do you mind if I write that one down too?" "Very, very poised." "Aren't you Frank?" "You're in control." "Or are you?" "It's always the uncontrolled who are most in control." "What are you talking about?" "Yes, what?" "Cary on Sergeant." "Thank you Sergeant." "On September the 12th, David Jones was murdered in his home in mayfield Road, Finchley." "I'm sorry." "Sorry?" "!" "Is that the best you can do?" "I can make you very sorry, Foster." "Oh I get it." "You're the sor one and you're not." "Dave Jones was my colleague." "Dave Jones was my friend." "He had a beautiful wife who loved him." "And a little daughter." "Baby Tracy." "Baby Tracy loved her daddy." "Do you want to see a photo of a little girl who doesn't have a daddy?" "Yes." "Tough!" "Sergeant Cole, can I have a little moment...?" "He was supposed to say no." "Baby Tracy is 22 years old now." "Yes but he doesn't know that." "You must use the truth." "I wish I'd brought a video." "Don't you patronise me." "You let me do it my way, okay?" "We're a team, alright." "You're the animal," "I'm the animal's brain." "I do the psychology, you pop out for a Cattarmeat sandwich, alright?" "Are you afraid of the truth, Frank?" "No." "The truth is I didn't do it." "Good." "Then we both want the truth." "Don't we, Frank?" "Do you smoke, Frank?" "Thank you." "So do I." "Where were you on the 12th of September?" "Tell me." "You were at your shop." "It was 'thank God it's Friday night' at Frank's Video Express." "You made it into the local paper, Frank." "Look, that's you." "Customers enioyed a glass of sparkling Italian wine." "It was Uncle Frank's special offer of two video for the price of one." "Ashtray, Sergeant." "Floor, Sergeant." "Dave Jones rented this from you the night he was killed." "You senred him in your shop." "You had to." "You were the only one there." "You looked up his address on your computer, and you went round there and you killed him." "Got finger prints?" "Got a weapon?" "Those are police uniforms you know or didn't they tell you that in the charity shop?" "Ha ha ha, no offence Frank, but I won't be bothering to write that one down, thanks very much." "At the time of the murder, there was a" "Volvo parked outside his house." "Number plate?" "What kind of car do you drive Frank?" "It's a suburb, we all drive Volvos." "I haven't seen Dave Jones since 1974." "You showed me his photo in the shop." "I didn't even recognise him." "I don't blame you, Frank." "It wasn't a very good likeness, was it?" "He didn't have the hole in his head." "Scumbag!" "Don't hurt him." "Understand him." "I understand you're a scumbag." "She touched me." "I'm afraid you're not the first, Frank." "Thank you, Sergeant." "I'll give you her number, if you like." "It's 999." "Warn you though, she does go for the younger men." "And they go for me too." "Whose side are you two on?" "We're on your side, Frank." "Because you've got the truth." "I'm going inside your mind now Frank." "Come with me." "Can I come too?" "Oh will you shush!" "I'm preparing, thank you." "Yes, you are Frank Foster, king of Essex." "You had it all, you and your brother." "You had respect from Chingford to Braintree." "From Epping to Basildon." "It wasn't lust a patch was it Frank, no, it was a world." "You ruled a world." "You had Jags, you had Mercs." "You had girls, you had wives." "You had wives with Jags, you had girls with Mercs." "You had girls in the Jags whilst your wives were in the Mercs." "What was the name ofthat club Frank?" "Flairs." "Flairs." "Yes, Flairs." "Of all the clubs in all of Essex," "Billy Boy Brown had to walk into Flairs." "What did that little punk think he was doing?" "On your opening night?" "Laughing?" "At Showaddywaddy?" "They weren't comedians were they, Frank?" "No." "He was giving you a signal." "You were the past." "He was the new kid in town." "Had to be done Frank." "But who was there the night you shot Billy Boy Brown in the back?" "Dave was your boy." "He was loyal." "He was smart." "Just one little problem Frank." "He was an undercover policeman." "Shame." "You don't wear c..." "Excuse me Frank." "You don't wear camel hair now do you Frank?" "What?" "Can't get the camels these days?" "Ha ha ha!" "Dave Jones destroyed you." "Dave Jones stole your life." "12 years inside." "And you came out and it was all gone." "Your gang was gone." "Essex was gone." "It was the 80's, Frank." "All the thugs in Essex were working in the city, so what did you do?" "You opened a video shop." "Did the Godfather open a video shop?" "Did The Krays?" "Did Bugsy?" "They didn't sell videos Frank because they are videos." "Just look at yourself." "Champagne Frank, the king of Essex." "Reduced to Italian sparkling wine." "At least cat's piss is free, Frank!" "You can have that one." "Write it down." "And the Dave strolls in... the man who stole your life." "And you think to yourself, this is destiny." "I'm going to steal his." "And so you did, Frank." "You wanted justice." "We all want justice." "Read the note Frank." "One for me, one for my brother." "Yeah, two bullets." "One for you one for him." "You even cut the letters out ofyour own video list Frank." "Recognise it?" "I know how it looks, but I swear to God, someone's tying to frame me." "I understand Frank." "You've got a damp feeling deep in the crack ofyour bottom." "We all get that." "That's called the trickle of truth." "I didn't do it." "It's got nothing to do with me." "You did do it Frank, but you're quite right." "It's got nothing to do with you." "It's not your fault that you're violent." "You were born in the 30s..." "Oh what are you talking about?" "Could you please lust not interrupt me, thank you very much." "I'm very sorry about that Frank, I'm sorry." "Now where was I?" "Um, damp trickle in your bottom... um violence in the 30s, yes." "Sorry, thanks." "You were born in the 30s." "That wasn't your fault for a start." "When you were a baby, the Germans bombed your house." "What had you done to Hitler?" "Violence was everywhere." "Your own father was full of violence." "Oh yes, Frank, I know all about him." "Never did a days work in his life." "That wasn't his fault, he was Irish, he couldn't get any work." "No blacks, no Irish." "He saw the signs." "He hated this county and he filled you with hate." "Why did his family ever leave Ireland in the first place Frank?" "Because ofthe potato famine, that's why!" "Was that your fault?" "Answer me, Frank!" "No!" "And that is why you are here!" "You are here Frank, because in 1840 you couldn't get chips in Ireland!" "God save us all Frank!" "What are we supposed to do?" "We have no control over our lives." "We've got each other and that's all." "You did it Frank." "You know you did it." "I know you did it." "Breathe deeply Frank." "We're very nearly there." "There's a baby inside you Frank." "And that baby is hurting you like hell." "You've never felt pain like it." "The baby's called truth Frank." "Deliver the baby, open your mouth and pop it out." "I'm here Frank." "I'm ready." "I'm your midwife, Frank." "I'm your nurse." "I'm your epidural." "Come on Frank." "Push." "I didn't do it!" "Bollocks!" "The baby's called truth!" "You're mental." "Or can't you see that." "Oh, no no, course because it's always the clever ones that are thick." "I'm going to get this confession now, okay?" "Dave should have promoted me when he was in charge." "I am not wasting this chance." "Dave wanted brains in the Force." "Oh no, see see, it's called the Force." "Not called the Brains." "What do you think Frank?" "You like her psychologicals do ya?" "Load of rubbish." "That's right, we're old school, me and Frank." "He'd buy me a pint." "I bm him a pint." "Yeah and now..." "Villains and coppers, all together, that's the way." "We're simple people, me and Frank." "We know how to get the truth, don't we Frank?" "Confess!" "m!" "I admit I need a handkerchief." "22:19, suspect requested handkerchief for catarrh." "Won't be a moment." "Well I'm very sorry Frank, but that's what happens you see." "A nice confession to Auntie Wendy and you'd be drinking a cuppa by now." "You gotta help me." "I've done nothing." "Yeah you're right there, Frank." "You've done nothing and I've given evemhing." "You've had destiny, justice, Hitler, potatoes." "That's all by best stuff!" "Alright, I lied." "Aah, big push now Frank." "When you came into my shop..." "Yeah." "And you showed me his photo..." "Recognise him?" "No." "Course I recognised him." "But I wasn't going to tell you, was I?" "I understand." "One big final push, Frank." "Well that's it." "I haven't seen him since 1974." "Oh, dear Frank." "Baby's gone back up again." "It's all true, everything that you said." "I'm Uncle Frank now." "I run a video shop." "My life's over." "If I killed him, why did I leave all those clues?" "It makes no sense, psychologically." "Oh you like the psychologicals now, do you Frank?" "Don't tell me Dave Jones didn't come into your shop." "His name's on your computer." "D." "Jones, that could be Mrs D. Jones." "She divorced him in '92." "She could have ioined when they were married." "I've been there 10 years." "She hired the film." "Maybe she's in the photo." "You're a different class from your partner." "She likes Driller Killer, you like Jagged Edge." "All the way through you thought Jeff Bridges did it, then it turned out he didn't." "Oh no, no, no, no." "Then it turned out he did." "Yeah?" "Yeah." "Well I watched it in the shop, it's hard to concentrate." "Oh it's a shame." "It's a very good film, that." "Look at me." "I'm not as killer no more." "I'm into films." "Ask me anything." "Alright then, yeah." "Yes, alright, I will." "Name six films starring Jeff Bridges." "Star Man." "Yes." "The Fisher King." "Yes." "Good one." "Fearless." "Yes." "Thunderbolt And Lightfoot." "Not so good." "And Jagged Edge." "Yes, that's five." "Err and that other one, you know, the one with Jeff Bridges in..." "Yes." "Bridges Of Madison County." "No." "I'm going to have to hury you, I'm afraid." "The Fabulous Boys." "What's their names?" "Butcher." "Baker." "The Fabulous Baker Boys." "Yes!" "You know I didn't do it." "Well?" "I'm getting him a hanky, Sir." "Let him wipe his nose on his arse." "He's sitting down, Sir." "What's the matter with you?" "You're the hard one!" "Sorry." "Tss..." "Have you got him yet then?" "Close." "You got a handkerchief?" "Help yourself." "Mmm, cheeky!" "Fancy a drink when this is all over then?" "Yeah." "I'll have a treble." "Give me five minutes." "We'll be waiting." "Oh, thanks." "He talked yet?" "Um, he's talked, yeah." "No, has he talked?" "Well he chatted, yeah." "You've been chatting, have you?" "Like him now, do you?" "You see, that's what happens when you understand people." "You forget what bastards they are!" "Talk now, won't ya." "Did I miss a memo?" "I didn't think we were allowed to cary guns." "It's people like you who make coppers violent." "We know you did it." "You know you did it." "But you won't say it." "Oi, A-levels, turn the tape on." "He didn't do it." "Shut it!" "It's always the quiet ones, isn't it Val?" "What are you talking about?" "I don't talk about sex because I'm too busy doing it." "I called him Sir in bed." "Oh, he loved that." "What?" "You and Dave?" "It was lovely while it lasted." "We did all the things you do, you know." "The aftserwards, he'd tell me his troubles." "Frank frightened the life out of him." "I told him if that was a problem, I'd get our videos." "He dug out some bills in his ex-wife's name, now I had my I. D." "I was Mrs D. Jones." "At last." "Dave did not care about you." "That's true." "You always know when it's over." "Don't you?" "All I did was ask him for promotion." "He said it was blackmail." "He said he felt used." "He felt used." "I was the one that was being dumped." "Men only want you for one thing, and it's not promotion is it?" "I got your list." "I cut out the letters." "I hired a Volvo, just like yours, and you still don't recognise me." "Do you, Frank?" "But then, of coirse, I had a different hairstyle when I came into your shop." "Men are so thick like that, aren't they?" "Then I went round there." "Cury, video, goodbye bonk..." "Ooh the last time was even better than the first." "And then I cupped his mighty love orbs..." "STOP IT!" "You know nothing about his love orbs." "You're making it up, you know you are." "Oh I don't think so." "I think it all happened." "But not to me." "Yes I loved him." "Then I killed him." "Feel smug now do ya, because you made a lucky guess?" "Err I do actually, yeah I do." "How'd you know?" "Well 'cause you'd go for a superior officer Val." "You tease the young ones, but you don't do it with them, no." "You want a man with power." "That something to do with my father is it?" "Actually, now you come to mention it, it probably is, yes." "I'd guess that, what, you lost your father at a very young age." "You've been searching for him ever since." "Am I right?" "Yes." "I'm right." "I lost him when I was six." "Oh I'm so sorry, Val." "Let it all out, come on." "In Tescos." "Had to wait for him by the double doors until he found me." "How did she know?" "You're in the bottom of the photo, with your hair down." "She recognised the coat." "Oh well thanks." "Oh, see, oh it was the coat was it?" "Nothing to do with my mind then." "You are a joke, Hodge." "Oh am I?" "Well from lust the coat, I managed to work out that you are Mrs D. Jones." "She found this in your pocket." "Mrs D. Jones." "Oh so you worked it out from that, did you?" "Very clever." "Oh great, great." "Sorry." "So how did you know I had a gun then?" "It wasn't because you saw my gun was it?" "Listen, bitch..." "Oh come on, sink to my level!" "I made you confess." "I made you jealous, talking about stuff like love orbs." "So I won." "With psychology." "You confession." "Me promotion." "What confession?" "Tape wasn't switched on." "I haven't confessed to nothing." "Oh..." "You are more likely to pull a man than you are to pull that trigger Hodge." "She's right, Frank." "She's right." "I'm useless with anything like this." "They shouldn't even have wimps like me in the force." "You are so right, Valerie." "Let's do it your way." "Let's get that confession." "Yes, let's." "Yeah yours." "Yeah yours." "Listen, there's a Hitchcock on at that National" "Film Theatre." "Tomorrow night." "Wanna come?" "What?" "He's not talking to you, he's talking to me." "But he's looking at you 'cause he's embarrassed." "She's good, she's very good." "I don't expect you've felt anything like this in your hand for a very long time." "Have you Frank?" "No, but it's a bit like riding a bike, isn't it?" "Turn it on." "Valerie bitch Cole." "I'm charging you with the murder..." "I killed Dave, alright?" "Thank you." "Well?" "Well?" "Have you got a confession?" "Hi, Sir." "Yes I have as a matter offact." "Couldn't have done it without Val though Sir." "What a team." "The End"