"THEME MUSIC" "Evening, Doc." "Here, try one of these." "They're a day old but they don't taste it." "See, the secret is in the cream." "It's fake." "No, but I need you to do something for me." "Oh, for you, Doc, no problem." "Table for two, is it?" "What time?" "No..." "..For you and Miss Glasson?" "I said no." "Oh, c'mon, Doc." "You gotta come... if it wasn't for you telling me to make some life changes" "I wouldn't be here." "I meant take regular exercise and change your diet not open a restaurant." "Before you kill yourself with a cholesterol-induced heart attack do you think you could come to the surgery and fit in my new dishwasher?" "Oh, you're going to need a plumber for that, Doc." "You are a plumber." "No can do." "I've hung up my dungarees and my monkey wrench for good." "No!" "Now I am in the hospitality trade." "Oh!" "I meant to..." "It's good I ran into you..." "..Sorry, after you." "No, you first." "No, after you." "I'm eating plenty of dried fruit for the iron, like you said." "And you're coming in for another blood test tomorrow." "Yeah, back again." "People will think I got anemia just to spend more time with you." "No, they won't." "It's been a bit tricky eating properly." "Because I've been living out of the microwave," "I've been waiting for my new cooker to arrive from Weybridge Electric." "Yes, they delivered my new dishwasher the same day." "Yes, he said, he said he'd met you." "So, Bert's opening tomorrow night." "Yes." "You going?" "God no." "No, me neither." "Busy, are you?" "No." "No." "No, me neither." "Right." "Bye, then." "Why don't you come to my place for dinner?" "To your house?" "Yes." "Tomorrow." "Haven't had a chance to use my new cooker, you see, and I thought that..." "..Yes." "Great." "Good." "Tomorrow, then." "Tomorrow." "Yeah." "Above all, the most thing..." "..Patient care." "Patient care, yes." "What exactly is patient care again?" "Tea and coffee." "Offer them one as soon as they come in." "Tea and coffee." "Of course." "When I worked for old Dr Sim the kettle was always on." "Now, this position's only temporary at the moment, but, if we play our cards right, it could be permanent." "What if the Doc's really as bad as, you know - they say that he made the bin man cry." "Oh, you'll be fine." "You're early." "Better five years early than one minute late." "Did you brush your tea this morning?" "Yes, mum." "Here's your peppermints just in case." "Now, I'm only going to be gone a couple of days." "That's a long time in medicine." "Yes, it is." "I'm doing a phlebotomy course." "That means blood and stuff." "So when I get back I"ll be in charge of taking the blood 'cause of the Doc's phobia - that means fear and stuff." "She's quite nervous." "It's her first real job, isn't it, Poppy?" "Yeah." "Apart from selling shells." "Shush, mum." "Yeah." "AparP fro Shush, mum." "Although no one bought them because she was standing right by the beach." "Ohhh, she was only seven." "Right, Poppy, I better show you where everything is." "Bye." "Maybe I should stay until she gets settled." "Oh, no need." "No, mum." "Well, couldn't I just have a cup of tea?" "OK, but then you go home." "Stay!" "This is the consulting room." "This is the kitchen." "This is the Doc in the kitchen, plumbing his new dishwasher." "This is the kettle." "So, why don't I leave you two to get to know each other." "What's your name?" "(PAULINE SCREAMS) Poppy!" "Right." "You're too young to be reading that." "I'm the same age as you." "So, this is where I keep the patient's records and everything." "This folder's for their addresses and this one is for their prescriptions." "Yeah, but what if you put each patient's stuff in the same folder?" "That'd be a good idea, wouldn't it?" "Well, then everything would be in the same place, wouldn't it." "Yeah, but..." "I think I'll be OK now, mum." "Yeah, you run along now, I've got an important job for Poppy." "OK, then, well..." "Good luck. (Whispers) Don't forget your peppermints." "So, what do you want me to do?" "Go and get me a biscuit." "Michael Mabley." "You calling me in the Wendy house during wet play made me kiss you." "It's me" " Pauline." "Pauline?" "You remember me." "No." "I thought you moved to Bristol years ago, what are you doing here?" "I need to see the doctor." "No, I meant back in Portween, silly." "Personal stuff." "Can I see the doctor now, please?" "If you could just..." "..Fill in this form." "And take a seat." "I'll see what I can do." "Who's next?" "Um, she is..." "..(Shouts) Mandy Jordan." "Ah, I was thinking, maybe if I gave the patients their files to give to you then you wouldn't have to keep coming out here the whole time." "Um, I just thought it was a good idea, that's all." "It is a good idea." "Really?" "You really think so?" "Bye then, Doc." "See you soon." "Should I get the patients a cup of tea or coffee, then?" "Yes." "The Doc likes everyone to have hot drinks, lots of them." "Patient care." "That's it." "Well done, Poppy." "Get that kettle on." "Who wants a nice cup of tea, then?" "I want the morning after pill." "When did you have intercourse?" "I haven't." "Then why do you want the morning after pill?" "I'm planning to do it one day." "Then what you want is the contraceptive pill." "Right." "So give me that, then." "No." "You're 15." "It's against the law." "You're still a child." "I'm 16 in two months." "Come back then." "I want the pill now." "You are too young to have sex." "Now leave." "I'll just go somewhere else then, won't I." "Next patient." "If you could go in now, Mr Mabley, and take that with you." "Thank you." "That guy was so yum." "Gorgeous." "Completely." "You know who he was looking at." "He doesn't fancy you." "Yeah, he was only staring at you 'cause he was wondering where your tits were." "You going to cry now?" "Work." "What's your address?" "I'm sort of on the move at the moment." "Right, sit on the end of the couch, please." "Let's have a look at the wound." "How did this happen?" "It just happened." "How?" "I was stabbed." "How long ago?" "10 days." "Has a doctor seen it?" "No." "You're running the risk of bacteremia and septicemia." "Why didn't you have it checked out when it first happened?" "I was in prison." "Would've missed my parole." "What did you do?" "I got stabbed." "I'll take some blood, start you on a course of antibiotics," "In the meantime I'll clean and dress the wound." "You know, Doc, it's not the sort of thing I want getting out." "You know, people talk." "Patient confidentiality extends even to paroles." "Oh, what?" "No Pauline today?" "She's gone on her course, can I help?" "Louisa Glasson, I'm a bit late." "Sorry." "Someone's taken your spot, I'm afraid, so you'll have to wait." "Sorry." "Right." "Tea?" "Tea." "Mmmm." "She makes a good cup of tea, the new girl." "Can't believe I'm anemic." "Feel like such a teenager." "You're doing all the right things." "You may feel tired have difficulty fighting infections and so on." "So, tonight... ..7 o'clock, then." "Um, I'd rather not eat after 6:30." "6:30...that's early." "Mmmm." "It keeps me awake." "Well, 6 o'clock's fine." "I'll just move everything forward an hour it's not a problem." "Good." "(Clears throat)" "Did you realise this was a doctor's surgery?" "If you want to work in a tea room then I'm sure it can be arranged." "I make myself clear?" "We don't serve tea." "Next patient, please." "Do something with it then." "You're not the boss of me." "Well, actually, yeah I am." "Bert made me chef." "And chop half a dozen of these." "See if you can keep your acrylics out of them." "Bert around?" "(Starts) Don't do that." "Doesn't look like it, does it?" "Heard you might be hiring." "I'm a cook." "So am I." "I'm Mick." "Just in case anything comes up." "Wouldn't say no to him." "Onions." "Right." "Onions." "BACKGROUND MUSIC PLAYS" "Bugger." "Alright, big tits?" "Give me a drink." "Go get your own." "Bet you don't know what this is." "Your plastic surgeon's number for your boob job." "It's that hot guy from the Doc's." "He wants to take me out." "Liar." "Hey!" "It's probably your gran." "PHONE RINGS" "Yep." "Hello?" "Well, go on then." "Who is this?" "Hello?" "What d'ya do that for?" "I want some privacy, don't I?" "You're pathetic." "He didn't give you his number, did he?" "Come on." "See you later, stalker." "Yeah, stalker." "(Girls giggle)" "(Girls continue to giggle)" "The doctor's been asked to see Ms Glasson after school!" "He must have done something really naughty." "Or maybe he's about to do something really naughty. (Giggles)" "Hello." "There's no electricity." "The fuse thingy keeps tripping." "Oh." "Right." "Well, I could take a look at that for you, if you like." "I bought you these." "Oh." "Thank you, Martin." "Yeah, rich source of iron." "Well, then, I'll just put these in water." "Do you know where your fuse box is?" "Yeah, the cooker's done it, over there." "It's there, isn't it." "A cupboard by itself." "MUSIC STARTS PLAYING" "Main switch was tripped." "Yeah?" "I know - like I said there's something wrong with the main tripper." "(Screams) SIZZLING (Screams) Martin!" "Bugger!" "Oh!" "Oh, there's a fault with your cooker." "I know!" "I need to get an electrician to look at it." "I know." "Ah, don't touch it." "Thanks." "Are you alright?" "Of course I'm right." "I'm...really, really sorry." "(Sighs) You know, I've been working on this all day and I wanted it to be perfect and it's absolutely ruined." "It smells like it would have been very nice." "Had it been...fully cooked." "Right. (Sighs)" "We could always go to Bert's." "When you get down to it, there's not much to choose between plumbing and dining." "I mean, it's all to do with the pipes, innit?" "Although in this case, a bit of rumbling in the tum isn't such a bad thing to hear." "Now, Mandie, your waitperson will be right over to take your pud order." "And, as they say abroad - enjoys!" "Right." "Ah, scallops - they're very fresh." "They're very nice." "You'll like 'em." "Here, it's filling up out there!" "You've got to look sharp, Theresa!" "Chop-chop!" "Theresa, can I borrow some of your lip gloss?" "It's missing something." "Oh, I know!" "You know the secret of this, love?" "It's in the seasoning!" "I've already done it!" "What?" "I've already done it!" "Stop it!" "Now watch me." "You always need a little bit more than you think." "Get off, I'll do it." "(Gasps)" "What's the matter?" "Oh, it's nothing." "It's just butterflies, that's all." "(Yells) You've got to step it up a notch, girls!" "Come on!" "This looks nice, doesn't it?" "Ah, well..." "Oh, evening', Doctor." "How was my Poppy on her first day?" "Ah...adequate." "Sort of." "Doc!" "Louisa!" "This way please." "I've got a lovely sea view for you." "Oh, thanks, Bert." "Here we go." "(Chuckles) You had me going there, Doc, when you said you might not come tonight." "I mean, you're quite the joker, aren't you?" "Now, when it comes down to it, there's not much to choose between plumbing and dining." "It's all to do with the rumbling in the pipes." "What do you mean?" "Well, the rumbling in the tum." "You know, like there's an air-block." "Borborygmi." "Excuse me?" "The sound your stomach makes - it's called borborygmi." "It's due to contractions in the wall of the bowel." "Drink, Louisa?" "Yeah, a glass of white wine please, Bert." "White wine." "And Doc?" "Ah, water." "Bottled." "Bottled." "Excuse me." "Right, then, that's..." "Chop quicker than that!" "Here, let me show you." "Bert!" "I have worked in a restaurant before!" "The doctor and the teacher want the salad." "Two salads de la maison, Chef!" "The steak, medium, and the fish specialty on the other table." "Oops!" "Oh, and Table 6 want to know if you're chasing the bloody cow down the lane?" "Well..." "I'm reading a really great book at the moment." "What was it called?" "Oh, you know, it's up for all the big prizes at the moment." "Two salads." "Oh, thanks." "I've just finished a study of cutaneous diphtheria in the treatment of infected skin ulcers." "Dermatological Society's book of the year." "'Fingers in My Pockets'." "I beg your pardon?" "My book." "It's called 'Fingers in My Pockets'." "Oh, God." "Martin?" "Martin!" "Martin?" "Oh, it's OK, Doc." "Everything's under control." "You go back and sit down." "There's blood on my plate!" "Oh, it's this girl." "She's not too handy with the old cleaver." "Excuse me?" "There's blood on my plate!" "Oh, God!" "OK, Doc." "Just go and sit down." "I know you're not too good with this sort of thing." "And I'll bring a fresh salad directly, right." "And you!" "Mop the rest of this blood up." "Where's your first aid box?" "Do you have a first aid box?" "Do you know the first thing about kitchen hygiene?" "Yes, I've nearly got an MVQ, actually." "What?" "In poisoning people?" "I so do not need this right now." "This kitchen is disgusting!" "I've been feeding myself for years." "Haven't killed myself once." "Well, you explain that to the environmental health inspector." "Doc!" "Doc!" "Doc, calm down!" "It's just a little mess." "I'll have it cleaned up in no time!" "What's going on?" "There was blood in my salad." "What?" "Blood?" "It's alright, folks." "It's just a little mishap." "Everything is fine, alright?" "Bert?" "I quit!" "I can't work in these conditions!" "Oh." "Doc, this really hurts." "You know, you better get going quick." "Alright." "Come with me." "(Clears throat) Goodbye." "Louisa!" "Where are you going?" "Oh, I'm sorry, Bert." "I've rather lost my appetite." "Alright, who wants a free glass of wine, then?" "What's going on, Bert?" "Nothing for you to worry about, Joe." "I'll be the judge of that." "I've just seen a member of the public leaving distressed with some sort of flesh wound." "Why don't you sit down and just have a glass of wine, for Pete's sake?" "You got a licence for serving that, have you, Bert?" "Of course this place has got a licence!" "It always has had!" "A licence comes with the proprietor, not the premises." "You carry on serving alcohol, you're breaking the law." "I didn't know that." "You're late." "I've got a bit of a funny tummy, actually." "Couldn't keep my breakfast down." "Mornin', Bert." "What are you doing here?" "I work here, don't I?" "I don't have a drinks licence and no-one eats at a restaurant where they can't drink." "And even if they did there's no-one to do the food, so, strictly speaking, no, you don't work here no more." "What's that then?" "You need a cook." "He's a friend of mine." "He's a really good cook." "It's a bit late for that, my lover." "I'll call him for you." "(Sighs) You better get home, drink plenty of water, and... ..I'll need a stool sample." "Do you know what a stool sample is?" "In there?" "Yes, of course in there." "But why would you need a sample of that... ..if I'm being sick?" "I'm a doctor." "It's what we do." "What are you waiting for?" "Mr Large?" "Who wants to know?" "Mick Mabley." "I went to school with Al." "(Chuffs) Last time I saw you, you were riding a BMX bike through my veg patch." "Yeah, sorry about that." "Listen... ..your girl, Mandie, called." "Said you needed a cook." "Hm?" "Well, I've got experience." "Worked all over the place." "I could fill in while you find someone permanent." "Well, the thing is I just don't have a drinks licence at the moment." "So, have people bring their own, till you get one." "Charge corkage." "Corkage?" "Make 'em pay to bring their own booze." "Like they do on the Continent." "Next." "FILING CABINET CLANGS SHUT" "Oh, good." "Take this girl home." "Actually, I'm not feeling too good." "You'll have to wait your turn." "Who's next?" "Mrs Pousti?" "That's me." "I've been awful sick, Doc." "You're not the only one." "Who else has been vomitting?" "What is it with you people?" "This always happens." "If one of you gets it, you all get it." "Athlete's foot would spread like the plague." "Did you wash your hands?" "No." "Oh, well, goodness gracious, maybe there's a link." "If you all just observe the simplest of personal hygiene routines, we could all be spared this - now, go and wash your hands." "It's like living in a village of lemmings." "Now, hold on there, Dr Ellingham." "We've all had a chat about this sickness thing and we think we know where it comes from." "Oh, do you?" "Enlighten me." "We were all at Bert's restaurant last night, same as you." "WOMAN:" "That's right." "Bert." "Doc!" "I have treated seven cases of nausea this morning, and they all ate here last night." "Oh, Doc, keep it down for God's sake." "So, you're not content with laying low half of Portween, you've now started on the visitors." "If it wasn't for you little performance last night, I'd have locals in by now." "I want you to close this restaurant." "Come into the kitchen, right?" "I've put everything I've got into this place." "You're certainly putting something into it that's making people very ill." "I eat here and I'm perfectly fine!" "Bert, you've spent your entire working life with your arm down a lavatory - you're bound to have built up a resistance to certain bacteria." "The point I'm trying to make is that you are by profession and design a plumber, not a restaurateur." "See?" "This is my new chef." "He knows all about hygiene and stuff." "This is Mick Mabley." "Yes, we've met." "But a quick tidy-up isn't going to do it, Bert." "You still don't have the required health and safety measures." "Where's your first aid box?" "Behind ya." "Everything's shipshape, Doc." "Health and safety and food hygiene certificates in the folder there." "Right." "Let's hope that's the end of it." "MOBILE RINGS Excuse me." "Hello?" "Yes." "Are you hot?" "Right." "Are you taking anything?" "OK." "Well, you sit tight." "I'll be right there." "(Breathless) Hey." "Oh, that was quick." "I only really needed some advice, I didn't need a visit." "That's alright." "I was just around the corner." "Oh, thanks." "Come in." "Sorry." "Sorry about the mess." "Thank you." "I'll just wash my hands. (Sighs)" "Martin, have you found a towel?" "Ah, yes." "Yeah, come in, Martin." "Oh, ah, Martin, you've, ah..." "It's my bra." "What?" "It.." "My bra." "Sorry, it's just that..." "Er..." "Sorry, I was..." "May I?" "Yeah, please." "And what are your symptoms?" "Well, it's just vomiting." "I just feel so rotten." "Well, you're anemia will probably make you feel worse than the other patients." "I've seen seven people, similar cases, today." "When we were at Bert's last night, did you eat anything?" "Just a few mouthfuls of salad, that's all." "Hm, salad's potentially more dangerous than cooked foods." "The heat kills of the bacteria." "BEEP Oh, I'll just..." "Yeah, keep drinking plenty of fluids, um, I'll give you something to replace the body's salt and sugars..." "It's times like this you'd wish your mum would bring you some toast." "I could make you some toast." "Oh..." "No." "No, thanks." "Louisa, I..." "Yes?" "I'm going to need a stool sample." "Hm." "Dr Ellingham." "Mrs Diddle." "I'd like my package and I need some more rehydrating salt please." "Your package is right here." "And I just wanted to say, Doctor, that I know there are some people in this village who might not appreciate a firm hand, but I think that you are handling the whole sorry situation of the sickness from that restaurant very well." "And the rehydration salts, please." "Yes." "It must be hard to be the voice of reason amidst a sea of dissenters." "That I think that we, in the medical profession..." "That'll be all." "Just put it on my account." "I could just eat him with a spoon." "I'm late." "I know." "You don't have to go on about it." "Here, taste this!" "Mick's taught me how to make perfect scrambled eggs." "Now, if this isn't the best scrambled eggs you've ever had," "I'll put your mini-skirt on and run through the village." "It's not cooked." "Of course it's not cooked." "That's the whole point - it's meant to be runny." "Here, try again." "Thought we had an understanding, Bert." "This, back here, is my area." "You're out front." "Oh, excuse me." "I'll be out front." "So, how you settling into the village, then?" "Don't plan on staying long." "I'll show you around the fun parts if you like." "I don't need a kid to show me where the playground is." "Why aren't these in the fridge?" "Um, I'm sorry for being ill." "Go home, Poppy." "Oh, I'm fine now, and mum says I should battle on like a professional." "I don't need you here today." "Is it my breath?" "Um... ..sorry, um... ..is it still a bit sicky?" "Ah, Pauline's coming back today." "Mum said I should be here for the hand-over?" "Well, good for your mum." "Ow!" "Ow!" "The surgery isn't open yet." "I think I'm going to die." "Morning, Bert!" "Finished my course!" "Got my certificate and everything." "Wanna see it?" "Oh, that's great, innit, girl?" "Only bloody one taken." "So, anything been happening here, whilst I've been away?" "Oh, how was the big opening night?" "Bet it was great, wasn't it?" "Why don't you ask the doc, hey?" "I'm sure he'd tell you all about it." "Now, if you don't mind, I've got a bit of work to do." "Excuse me." "No, you're not dying." "It's food poisoning." "You're the ninth person I've treated who's eaten food from Bert Large's restaurant." "I know I am dying." "I know you're not." "You don't know anything." "I took Theresa's pills." "What pills?" "You know, the pill pills." "How many?" "All of them." "I've done something terrible to my insides, haven't I?" "Ah, no, a contraceptive overdose is uncomfortable, but not fatal." "Why did you take them?" "My tits, OK?" "They're not..." "They're too small." "Is that why you asked me for birth control tablets?" "What did you think the oestrogen would make your breasts grow?" "Theresa got tits when she was 12." "It's not fair." "Probably isn't fair, but there's nothing you can do about it." "The body develops at its own rate." "Oh, um...go home and keep warm - the nausea will pass within 12 hours or so." "They pick on me all the time." "They're horrible." "Who?" "My friends." "(Sobs)" "Ah..." "Oh." "Ah..." "Ah..." "Oh...sit down." "Ah...um...shush." "Hiya!" "I'm back." "So, how was it?" "Yeah, yeah." "Good." "Um, was it scary?" "You know, with the blood and that, or anything?" "Poppy, do you have your peppermints?" "Um, yeah." "Thank you." "I'm back." "Yes." "Get out of my chair!" "I think that'll solve your problem." "What is it?" "I will not say." "Is it illegal?" "It hasn't been clinically tested." "So, I'm like part of a trial?" "Hm." "And these'll give me tits?" "Um, if you take one, once a week, and only one..." "Oh, my God." "Provided you take regular exercise and eat well, don't smoke and don't drink, your breasts will develop." "How long for?" "Until you finish them, finish the course." "Shall I take one now?" "Yes, put it under you tongue and let it dissolve." "It...tastes like...peppermint." "That's correct, yes." "Everyone here got sick." "It was Bert's place that did it." "Thank you, Doc." "Alright?" "Hi." "PHONE RINGS" "Dr Ellingham's surgery." "Yes, yes." "Hello." "I was going to call you actually." "Um...as of yesterday evening," "I'm a fully certified phlebotomist and, as such," "I'll be the interface between your laboratory and our surgery on all blood-related matters in the Portween area." "Is that for me?" "My..." "Ellingham." "No, I think your laboratory's made a mistake." "Are you sure?" "I know what Norwalk virus is." "Don't lecture me." "I'll call 'em back." "You doing alright, eh?" "Oh, no." "I'm just off to see the bank manager." "Here." "This jacket's probably older than he is." "Oh, I'm going to tell him that we need a bit more leeway than anticipated." "Good. 'Cause you're going to have to pay me on Friday, aren't ya?" "Oh, yeah, yeah." "I said I would and..." "..I'm a man of my word." "Wish me luck." "Oh." "(Laboured breaths)" "I know, Doc." "Don't tell me it's a heart attack, right?" "Stop talking please, Bert." "You'll interfere with the ECG." "Al lost his mother." "If I go, he'll be an orphan." "Al will manage." "He's 6ft tall and 25 years old." "He's only 5ft 8' and he's still a teenager in my eyes." "He's not like me, Doc." "Not wise to the ways of the world..." "Bert." "There are two ways we can determine whether you are having a heart attack - shut up and let me do the ECG or you can prattle on and we'll see if you die in the next couple of minutes." "Thank you." "What are you still hanging around for?" "Oh, my mum said she'd come and collect me, so... (Clicks repeatedly on the mouse)" "What have you done to my appointments page?" "Oh, right." "Yeah, I changed it a bit." "Why'd you do that then?" "Well, 'cause it's better, isn't it?" "And prettier, and my mum says..." "Can I have a cup of tea please?" "Yeah." "MACHINE WHIZZES AND RATTLES" "Pauline?" "Did you experience any tightening in the chest?" "Yes, and nausea and tingling and rapid pulse." "Disorientation?" "Yes, all of those." "So, it was a heart attack after all, was it, Doc?" "No, it wasn't a heart attack." "We can assume you suffered a panic attack." "No, no." "I felt it, Doc." "I didn't panic." "Symptoms of an extreme panic attack are very similar to those of..." "Ow!" "Ow!" "..an actual heart attack." "It was real, Doc." "Bert, you did not have a heart attack." "Good." "Ow!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "(Sighs)" "Ow!" "Is that good, Doc?" "It's got to be good, innit?" "Is there anything you could be stressing about?" "No." "I can't think of a single thing." "Well, let me see." "My life savings are being eaten in two by an empty restaurant that's being shut down by the local quack." "Apart from that?" "No." "I mean, my life is fine." "Right, well, I've prescribed you some medication in case it happens again." "Bert, I spoke to the laboratory." "It seems that the outbreak was caused by a viral, rather than a bacterial infection, as I'd first assumed." "What does that mean?" "That means that it's worse than I suspected." "This particular virus is spread through the ingestion of faecal matter." "Faecal matter, innit?" "Yes, you've somehow managed to feed your customers untreated sewage." "But I..." "Pauline, I'm in the middle of a consultation!" "I know, Doc." "I know." "Please calm down." "We have an emergency situation going on in the kitchen, and I really need Bert here to come and have a look right away." "WATER GURGLES (Sighs)" "What you've got here..." "(Sniffs) Oh!" "..is a classical case of waste-pipe-pump backup." "What does that mean?" "It means you've been washing your dishes with water that's already been elsewhere." "What does that mean?" "Water from the toilet has been getting into the dishwasher." "ALL:" "Oh!" "You're looking at the end result of a pressure build-up in the system." "Oh, I don't believe it, Poppy." "You've only been giving patients cups washed in poo-water." "Is this what you call faecal matter, Doc?" "Yes." "And what cowboy did you get to do this piece of extreme plumbing?" "Well, I clearly followed the instructions." "The pipes must have become confused." "Confused?" "And you a surgeon and everything." "I wasted valuable time trying to find the cause of an illness when I just needed to ask the weedy girl behind the desk why she'd taken it upon herself to give everyone a cup of tea!" "Because Pauline said to." "No I didn't." "Don't be too hard on her, Doc." "She's not very experienced." "DOOR SLAMS" "Hey, where have you been?" "Little sister's finished with her training bra and wants to give it to you." "Well, at least I don't have great Dumbo ears." "Actually, they're more like satellite dishes, really, innit?" "Oiya!" "Well, I'm going to to go down the beach and watch the surfers." "Come on, girls." "I'm going." "Hi, Martin." "Oh, Louisa." "Whatever you gave me did the trick." "I feel great now." "Oh, good, good." "And the man from Weybridge Electric has just fixed my cooker, so I guess we should reschedule that dinner date." "Wednesday?" "Thursday." "Thursday." "Thursday." "Great." "6:30?" "6:30." "Yeah." "Observing your carbohydrate curfew." "That's right." "Yes." "See you."