"Hold it, it's a cop." "( tires screech )" "( honking )" "( screams )" "( theme music playing )" "Hello?" "Hello?" " Hello, Chief." " How are you feeling, Max?" "Much better, thank you." "Anything new from Bediyoskin?" "He's safe at the hospital but he's still unconscious." " We got the men who tried to kill you." " Oh, good." "Did they talk?" "They didn't know anything." "They weren't regular KAOS personnel, they were hired from an agency-- "Part-Time Killers."" "Hello?" "Whew!" " Hello?" " What are you looking for, Chief?" "Internal Security keeps meddling with the equipment." "Why do they have to change my phone into something different every day?" "Well, you can't be too careful in times like these, Chief." "Look, why don't you just call down and ask the fellows in Internal Security where the phone is?" "Call them on what, Max?" "Right, Chief." "I've been over the whole room and I can't find it." " Did you look in the clock?" " Don't be ridiculous, Max." " It wouldn't be in the clock." " ( phone rings )" " So that's where it is." " Where, Chief?" "In the clock, Max." "Hello?" "Speaking." "Oh." "Yes, Mr. President." "No, sir, not yet, but we're still trying." "Yes, sir, I know, but if I had a little bit more time, I" "Yes, sir." "Yes, I understand, sir." "Goodbye." "What did he say, Chief?" "I'm being temporarily replaced as Chief." " What?" "!" " The president is afraid that people would panic." "He thinks it would be wise to appoint a man with more experience, more imagination, more daring, more wisdom." "I can't believe it." "I just can't believe it!" "After all your years of courageous and dedicated service," " this is an outrage!" " Well, thank you, Max." " And one more thing, Chief." " What?" "Would you recommend me for the job?" "He's recalling Admiral Hargrade to active duty." "Admiral Hargrade?" "Who's he?" "He was CONTROL's first Chief." "There's a card on him in the files." ""Admiral Harold Hargrade:" "in espionage business for over 65 years;" "started out with his own company," "Harold Hargrade  Sons, Spies;" "entered government service 1909, became Chief of CONTROL and retired in 1946." "Hobbies: chess and burying old buddies." "Now 91 years of age."" "91 years of age and he's still active?" "!" "Yes, I understand he gets up every morning and takes a two-hour walk to his office." "Where's his office?" "Right across the street from his house." " ( beeping )" " That's the secret entrance." " It must be the admiral." " How do you know?" "He's the only one that knows about it." "( beeping stops )" "( steps echoing )" "Glad to have you aboard, sir." "Oh, you'll have to speak up, Thaddeus." "My hearing's not what it used to be." "All my other senses are fine, though." "Oh, good afternoon, madam." " I'll help you down, sir." " Thank you." "Oops-a-daisy." "( chuckles ) I'd like to have you meet Agent 86," " Maxwell Smart." " How do you do, sir?" " Oh, I've heard about you." " Thank you, sir." "No one else available, huh?" "Well, I'm sorry about my taking over, Thaddeus." "Well, it's good to serve under you again, sir." " Any new developments?" " Oh, yes." "We think that we've located the KAOS broadcasting station." "Do you have an Area-3 map?" " Yes, sir, we do." " Oh, good." " And a pointer?" " Oh, yes, sir." " Here you are." " Thank you." "Now, ahem, we think that" "Don't you have a longer pointer than this?" "Yes, sir." "Here." "Oh, fine." "Thank you all the same." "Now, ahem, our tracking unit tells us the radio station is approximately in this area." "Uh-oh." "Lists a little to starboard, doesn't it?" "Uh, Admiral, why don't you just come over here and sit down and take it easy in the Chief's chair?" "Oh, thank you." "I'll do that." "Would somebody give me a little push?" "Yes, sir." " Thank you." " Chief:" "Admiral, what was the president's decision on the ransom?" "Oh, well, I talked to Herbert about that just a few minutes ago." "Herbert?" "Sir, Herbert Hoover is no longer president." "Too bad, I thought he showed a lot of promise." "Anyway, whoever it was authorized me to pay KAOS" "$1 billion that they have demanded." "But, sir, KAOS will never turn over the formula to us." "They'll just take our money and then sell the formula to our enemies." "Hey, that's right." "Hey, you're a pretty good thinker, boy... and a good catcher too." " Thanks, boy." " Chief:" "Admiral," "I have to agree with Agent 86-- we cannot pay the money." "Well, exactly how dangerous is this formula?" "Well, sir, within 24 hours it could dry up every lake, river and stream in the United States." "We'd be at the mercy of any country that had water." "Bootlegging would come back." "People would start making bathtub water." "Well, we'd better try to solve this case before the KAOS deadline." "Hmm..." "I have a plan." "( thumps )" "Thank you." "Sir, you were discussing some sort of plan." "Well, this actor fellow, Bediyoskin, is the key to the plan." "We've got to get him to talk somehow." "What is his condition at this moment?" "I was about to call the hospital when you came in." "Well, then proceed." "Full steam ahead." "Ding-ding." "( phone rings )" " Hello?" " Hello, Max." " I think we're onto something." " What did you find out, 99?" "Well, I was going through Bediyoskin's clothes and I found something that puzzles me." "In the pocket of one of his jackets" " I found six laundry tickets." " So what?" "Max, why wouldn't he use the hotel laundry?" "This laundry is a good two miles from here." "Hmm, you're right, that is strange." " And another thing, Max-- - ( knocks on door )" "Oh, hold on a minute." "99?" "99?" "Chief, something happened." "99 is in trouble." "It may be a matter of life and death." "Hurry, Max." "We'll go in my car." "By your leave, Admiral." "( snoring )" "It's locked." "We're gonna have to break it down." "We can't do that, Chief." "We'll have everybody on the floor out here." "We don't want to attract attention." "( softly ) Okay." "She's gone, Chief." "She must have discovered something that KAOS didn't want divulged." "Maybe she left a clue behind." "She's been working with me a long time." "She must have picked up something." "Chief!" "Look at this." "I know that face." "Max, it's Bediyoskin." "I know that's Bediyoskin, Chief, but I mean I've seen that face somewhere else on somebody else." "But where?" " ( silent )" " What?" "!" "( silent )" "The room is" "Chief, are you sure the room is bugged?" "Yes, but I have a plan." "This is our chance to save 99." " Gotcha, Chief." "Great plan." " You haven't heard it yet." "I know, Chief, but I've got a lot of confidence in you." "KAOS knows that either one of us can lead them to Bediyoskin." "Now we go back in there and let them overhear that one of us is going to him." "KAOS captures the one who goes and the other follows." " One of us goes, one of us follows." " Right." "And one of us already knows who goes and who follows." " You go." " Now both of us know." "Pardon me, can you tell me how to get to 1235 Alcazar Street?" " I'm sorry, but I don't know." " Then I'll show you." "Let's go, Mr. Smart." "( cocks gun )" "( rattling )" "We're going to switch cars in case we're being followed." "You're heavily guarded." "Don't try to escape or you'll be shot." "Get in." "Very clever." "You kept 99 right here at the hotel in the very next room to Bediyoskin's." "Let's go." "Hold it." "We'll take your gun." "Just act as if nothing happened." "Good work, Chief." "I knew they couldn't lose you no matter how many times they switched cars." "No, Max, you can't do that." "Whoever's in there might kill 99." "Oh, you're right, Chief." "Open up, it's me." " It was a clever way of getting in." " Yes." "You see, Chief," ""me" is always someone everybody knows." "( 99 mumbling )" " Are you all right, 99?" " ( continues mumbling )" "Oh." "( sighs ) Quick, untie me, Max." "Uh, have you got a knife?" "There's one in my pocketbook." "Uh, which one is the knife-- the comb, the compact or the mirror?" " The knife, Max." " The knife?" "!" "That's clever." "There's nothing in his pockets but this laundry ticket." " Is it Three Brothers Omniwash?" " Yes." "There were six of those in Bediyoskin's pockets." " 99, you follow this up." " Right, Chief." "Max, I've got to get back to CONTROL." "You bring him in." "Right, Chief." "Seven hours have gone by, America, and we have yet to hear from your government." "Therefore, we deem it necessary to start demonstrating the horrible power of formula 6076767." "First, we'll dry up small bodies of water to prove the power of the formula." "Then, unless our demands are met in the next 41 hours, we will proceed to dry up America's most essential bodies of water-- the Mississippi River, the Colorado River and all the Great Lakes." "This is Mark Danderfield speaking for KAOS, Incorporated, a Delaware corporation." "A Delaware corporation?" "!" "Tax purposes." "Max, we've got to move fast." " What did you learn about our prisoner?" " Name's Henry Frack." " Henry what?" " ( screams ) Frack!" "Has nothing to do with KAOS." "Chief, I checked out the laundry." "It seems legitimate enough, but I'm still keeping it" " under close surveillance." " Nothing but dead ends." "Well, 99, this is Admiral Hargrade who's now in charge." " How do you do?" " ( phone ringing )" "It's still the clock, Max." "Hello, Maxwell Smart here." "What?" "!" "You're kidding!" "Hold on." "Chief, KAOS has just struck and struck hard." "They've dried up Florida's two largest bodies of water" "Lake Okeechobee and the swimming pool at the Fontainebleau Hotel." "Hello, anything else?" "I see." "Thank you." "Admiral, the whole country is in a panic." "The network says the switchboard is swamped." "We've gotta do something and do it fast." "Well, our chances are slim-- hopeless." "We are facing imminent disaster." "I must go on the air" " and speak to the public." " What are you gonna tell them?" "That everything is fine." "I'd better go on and call the president right away and ask him to go on the air with me and reassure the nation." "Would somebody give me a little push?" "Thank you, my dear." "Chief:" "Thanks, Larrabee." " What is it, 99?" " They're bulletins, Chief." ""People all over the country have started hoarding water."" ""Water prices are skyrocketing." "The Governor of California just put a 10¢ tax on water."" ""Mexico has offered us all the water we need."" "Tell them, "Thanks anyway."" "Our only hope seems to be Russell Bediyoskin, and yet if he regains consciousness, we have no assurance he'll talk." "How odd it is that the destiny of our country should be in the hands of an actor." "Who would ever have thought that could happen?" "You know, I don't even know what this man looks like." "Is he a well-known actor?" "Well, if you saw his face, you'd know him." "Uh, I have a picture of him, Admiral." "Oh, you must be quite a fan to carry around" " a photograph this large." " No, sir." "See, it's just-- wait a minute, this man looks like" " Dr. Waldo Smith." " I'm afraid you're mistaken." "Wait a minute, Chief." "Of course, that's it-  the mustache." " What mustache?" "Bediyoskin doesn't have a mustache." "No, but Dr. Waldo Smith does." "( weak laughter )" "Russell Bediyoskin is my brother." "Then your real name is Waldo Bediyoskin." "No, Russell's real name is Smith." "He changed it to Bediyoskin when he went into the movies." "You know how actors are." "Was your brother ever in this laboratory?" " Oh, yes." " Then he had access to the formula." "Well, yes, but I can't believe he would steal it," " Not Russell." " Chief, the admiral's on television." "He's going to introduce the president." " Have you a set?" " Yes, right over here." "Pardon me." "Admiral:" "And so I repeat, fellow citizens, there is no cause for alarm." "Not over an hour ago we located and captured the television station from which KAOS was broadcasting." "It was located right here-- uh-oh-- ( thumps ) in the middle of the Arizona desert." "Yes, that's the place." "And now I take great pleasure in bringing you the President of the United States." "But first a word about deodorants that really work." "( phone rings )" "Hello?" "Yes, it's the Chief." "What?" "We'll be right over." " What is it, Chief?" " Bediyoskin just came to, but the doctor doesn't know how long he will remain conscious." "We'd better get over the hospital right away, Chief." "That's right, Chief." "If Bediyoskin has regained consciousness, we'll want him to talk to us, not KAOS." "That's right." "Let's go." "How is he?" "He's regained consciousness but he's terribly weak." "Mr. Bediyoskin, I'm Maxwell Smart." "Remember me?" "Who has the formula?" "Please, you've got to tell us." "It's the only way to keep KAOS from killing you." " Max, he won't talk." " He can't talk." "He wants your pen." "He wants to write something." "I don't think he has the strength." "Just write the name of the man who has the formula." "No, it's too strenuous." "I can't let him exert himself any more." " Please." " He must rest." " What has he written, Max?" " I can't make out his handwriting." " Can you, Chief?" " No, I can't." "Well, it's a good thing we're in a hospital." "All we have to do is to get ahold of a pharmacist." "Anybody who can read a prescription can read anything." "Please, could you talk outside?" "All right, Doctor." "But if he regains consciousness, please call us." "( sighs )" "Looks like initials to me." " Wait a minute, Chief, that's it." " ( thumping )" "He hasn't the strength to write the full name, so he" "Max, the man on the crutches!" "He's a KAOS agent." "Stop!" "The old gun-in-the-crutch trick." "I'll get him, Chief." "Max, the Chief's been hit!" " Chief, are you all right?" " Go after them, Max." " No, Chief, I can't leave you." " I'll be all right, Max." "No, Chief." "Nurse!" "Nurse!" "Nurse, this man has been hit." "We've gotta get him into a room-- surgery." "Have you got hospitalization?" "Do you have your card with you?" "No, you see, you don't understand." "He didn't know this was gonna happen." "He will have to go to the Admittance Office." " You'll have to leave a deposit." " But he's been wounded." "Well, I'm sorry, those are the rules." "Well, look, could I buy a dollar's worth of bandages?" "Max, look out!" "Chief, it's ticking." "It's a foot grenade." "99, get out of here." " It will blow out the whole floor." " Right, Chief." "It's gonna explode." "Get rid of it, Max!" " Right, Chief." " You've got 10 seconds." " What?" " You've got seven seconds!" "( continues ticking )" "Max, there's only four seconds left!" "Max." "( explosion )" " That was a close one, Chief." " I'm proud of you, Max." " I'm sorry" " I" " Don't try to talk, Chief." "Try to save your strength." "( gasps, grunts )" "Oh, Max." "( theme music playing )"