"previously on "californication"... no kiss?" "I'm ne with that." "You,on the other hand, have been a very naughtylittle smurf." "Bi-curious, are we?" "He started itspanking his assistant." "It was very sweet,actually." "I want to learn from you." "I want to be an agent." "I see." "First, you systematicallydestroy my marriage..." "I know about everything,charlie." "And now you want meto help with your career." "I don't think you heard me." "I wrote something." "Hank wrote a new book?" "Can I read it?" "I don't thinkthat's appropriate." "Is there anythingI can help you with?" "I wrote this novel,and I was just wondering if charlie would read it." "What's it about?" "A 16-year-old girlfucks a much, much older man and finds herself both spirituallyand sexually awakened." "Dad, are you okay?" "No... but I'm working on it." "This book is gonna be huge." "What's going on here?" "Are you having second thoughts?" "Are you questioning things?" "I question everything.It's very healthy." "It is very healthy." "I just think you can't run offand marry a guy after making sweet loveto yours truly." "We had women that loved us for who we were,and we fucked it up." "Ain't lifefuckin' grand?" "Yowsa." "Hey." "You look great, mom." "Oh, thank you,sweetie." "I guess you're going witha more liberal interpretation of the whole "white wedding"concept, are you?" "Do you thinkI could go braless -- ooh." "Sorry." "Didn't know we hada gentleman in our presence." "Well, only if you go witha more liberal interpretation of the whole"gentleman" concept." "Ouch." "You know, as exciting as it isto be behind the scenes in the girls' locker roomright before the big game," "I think I'm goingto take my leave." "Oh, shit." "I think my dad's coming." "What?" "He was supposed to beplaying racquetball." "Yes, by all means,get that thing off." "The groom should notsee you in the dress just before the wedding -- that's bad luck." "What's worse luckis getting married itself." "Shut up." "It's liketwo out of three of those end in divorce." "Sometimes more --three out of two." " Bill." " Hank." " You look lovely." " Thank you." "A little uncomfortablecoming from you." "You know what?" "Oatmeal." "Thank you, d..." "You should've seen the dresskaren had on just now." "She had the " " I mean,it was like, here -- mm." "Cut it out.And then the back... rrrah!" " Hey." " You're home early." "Well, I played harry greenberg." "I bageled him." "Ah, ironically." "You know what?" "One day, you and me,bill tilden." "Mano a mano." "We're gonna playthe real tennis." "Not that sissy kind." "We're going '70s style.We're playing wooden rackets,knee socks." "Plum smugglers.We do it." "But not todaybecause I gotta go." " Dad." " Yes." "You can'T.Remember?" "N-- what?" "I have totalk to you... and mom." "Really?" "What about, sweetie?" "Family stuff." "Well, we're a family.Or we will be very soon, right?" "So I should say what I feel?" "No matter what?" " Absolutely." " Yes." "Always." "I want to live with dad." "I'll still visit and stuff." "I just..." "I want to livemost of the time with dad." "It's the firstI've heard of this.Karen." "Karen.Karen!" "Karen!" "Hey, becca,have you, um... have youthought this through?" "I mean, have you --becca." "Shit.Becca!" "Becca." "Bill." "Bill." "Then there were two." "Yeah." "I'm gonna need some helpgetting out of this dress." "And then there was one." "Californication Season1 Episode11" " Thank you." " Sure." "Uncle runkle." "Sorry I'm late.I just, uh... you just what?" "Nah.That's all I got." "I do have some news, though." "Delight me." "Becca's moving back in with me." " No shit." " Yeah." " Poor karen.She must be -- - devastated." "That's brutal." "Mm, it is.The good news is, though, that as of today you and your extensive porn collection are moving in to the four seasons." "Fantastic." "I booked you a room in the" ""husbands who've been kicked to the curb by their diminutive lesbian wives" wing." "That's right next to the "young actresses fresh into town" wing." "Am I correct?" "I don't know the layout of the hotel." "Well, uh, that is news." "Boy, um, I'll miss the camaraderie, but that stain in your bedroom was really starting to unnerve me." "You inspired that stain, you cunning linguist, you." " It's a talent." " Job well done." "What were you doing in my bedroom, you perv?" "Snooping, of course." "Looking for some fucking words I can sell." "Good luck with that shit." "By the way, how come you never told me bill's little lolita of a daughter was a writer?" "'Cause I don't use that term loosely." "Writer.Everybody says they're a writer in this town." "I'll give her "budding wordsmith," maybe." ""Budding," huh?" " She's fuckin' bloomed, pal." " ***" "Dani's dripping wet over this manuscript of hers." "In fact, she insists that I pump it, launch her agenting career, or she's gonna hit me with the mother of all sexual-harassment suits." "Oh, charlie, I'm sorry." "Do you think you can get mea front-row seat to the trial?" "I'd like to be behind youin all the courtroom sketches." "You're such a good friend." "What the fuckdo you want me to say?" "You fuck aroundwith your assistant, you're gonna get screwed." "There's only a few thingsthat could happen, all of them bad." "You're gonna get threatened,you're gonna get sued." "You can go for the trifectaand get divorced." "And yet,do I get any credit for all the assistantsi didn't fuck?" "No, that's an injustice." "It is." "I get no credit forall the dicks I do not suck." "Check, please." "Then again,I don't know." "If -- if mia turns outto really be talented, then I could pump thistill I'm blue in the face." "No harm no foul." "Am I right there?" "She -- she might have sometalent, from what I've seen, the little I have seen." "What is this thing about?" "This coverage makes it soundreally fuckin' hot, you know?" "There's this young womanwho's bangin' this older guy, and at one point, you know,she -- she hauls off and just punches himright in the face." "That's -- that's pretty ballsyright there, right?" "I don't know what else happens,but that's one scene." "Motherfucker." "What?" ""Fucking  punching." Hmm." "This is beyond ballsy." "Where are you " " Okay, then." "What the fuck?" "I guessyou didn't hear me knocking." " No." " No." "Well, that's why I letmyself in -- because I figured you'd probably be out herein this general vicinity, unableto hear me knocking." "Out by the pool, kickin' it,you know, after school?" "Right.Well, schooldoesn't get out till 3:00." "You need to get on top of thatkind of shit, hank." "Is that,like, universal?" "'Cause I was overat mia's school that day, and it wasvery progressive, like maybe they didn't adhereto that kind of strict -- there's no one here." "I'm all on my owning my big, empty house, just like I will be when youtake my daughter away from me." "Come on, honey.I had nothing to do with that." "Oh, really?" "You didn'tput her up to it?" "No!" "Of course not.Why would I do that?" "Well, I don't know --to embarrass me." "To score some bigfucking victory over bill." "No, I wouldn't do that." "Your usual shit." "No." "No, no, no." "I wouldn't do that." "What, so she justcame up with it all by herself, out of the blue?" "The system that's been workingfor us since we split up, that's not workinganymore?" ""I want to live with dad." "I don't want to live with mom." "" She's a teenager." "I think the word you'relooking for is "mercurial." "" No, I'm not looking " "And I would neverfuck with her head like that." "Yours, yes." "I can be a dick like thatsometimes." "But hers, never." "Not in a million years." "Well, okay." "What do you mean,"okay"?" "I mean,"okay, I believe you." "" But it's not gonna makeany difference." "It doesn't make itany easier for me." "I know, but if you think aboutit in practical terms, it just means, like, a coupleextra nights a week, right?" " I mean, it's not a big -- - no." "Don't, okay?" "Don't do that." "I don't need yourfucking sympathy, hank, okay?" "Get out of my house, 'cause I don't wantto see you right now!" "Where's ilsa,she-wolf of the ss?" "Excuse me?" "Dani.Where's dani?" "She's -- she'sin a meeting with, uh, mr.Runkle." "And you are?" " Going in there." " I'm sorry, sir." "Hey,look at the time -- the big hand says "fuck"and the little hand says "off." "" Good thing it doesn'thave a second hand, huh?" "All right, I needto talk to you, and you, and you need to get out,and you... you, I don't need to talk to,but I know you." "Hello, victoria." "Well, so formal." ""Tricky vicky" he used tocall me back in the day." "Where the hell have you been,hank moody?" "Haven't you owed me a book sincethe good guy was in office?" "Yeah, it's been seven years,thanks for asking." "It's coming along swimmingly." "Spell-checking as we speak." "I need to have a chatwith you." "I'm inthe middle of a meeting." "I can see that.It won't take long." "Hank, uh, do you think you two could do thisa little bit later?" "Like after the meeting that victoria flew infrom new york for?" "No.We shouldstraighten it out now." "We have a bunch moreset up for later." "We don't want themto stack up." "Thank you, dani.I can handle this." "Well, handle it, then." "Looks like you've gota live one there, runkle." "Hank, have a seat." "We can talkabout "chinese democracy" as soon as" "I'm done talkingwith the publishing sensation." "I don't know if you're aware, but this young woman's written what could bethe book of the year." "Is that right?" "Have I ever been wrongabout this shit?" "It's fantastic." "It's like your early stuff." "Not so juvenile." "Not so manylame boner jokes." "Well, coincidentally,I have a lame boner right now." "I have a lame bonerfor justice." "And if you won't give mea private sidebar right now, maybe there's somethingyou'd like to say to these good people?" "I don't know." "What mightthey be interested in hearing?" "Come on, mia.Just -- just out with it." "wait." "I know what I could say." "Thank you, hank." "Thank you for giving me notesand helping me with this." "It's beena dream come true, really, to have your favorite writerin the whole wide world help youon your very first novel." "Hank, you're so sweet." "That's it?" "That's the wayyou want to play it?" "What do you want me to do,blow you, hank?" "I mean,that would be untoward." "Oh, my god, look atthe potty mouth on this one." "I love it." "She'd be greatwith the press, right?" "Like elizabeth wurtzel... with talent." "Okay, hank.Let's go, huh?" "What the fuckis the matter with you?" "What do you have, epilepsy,asperger's, tourette's?" "Good to see you, hank." "Good luck with the spell-check." " I need to talk to you,charlie." " Later.Later.I will talk to youlater." "You can't pack her lunchfor the next six months." "I know." "I'm just packing itfor tomorrow because, you know, I figured if I get allthe sandwiches in for tomorrow, then, if he forgets,it's okay 'cause, like, she has sandwichesfor every day of the week." "Okay." "Oh, is mia backfrom her meeting yet?" "What meeting?" "She met with charlie." "She's trying to getone of her stories published.Isn't that great?" "Oh, wow, yeah." "Yeah, I haven't read it, but my father's intuition saysit's probably pretty special." "Yes.Yeah.I'm sure it is." "Have you, um,signed the papers yet?" "Oh, god.No, honey.Sorry.I forgot." "I've beena little preoccupied." " I know.I know.Let's go." " No, we got to go. we're gonnatake a look at this." "Nah, this isimportant stuff." "Look, we have our prenup,we have our wills." "Don't you careabout becca's trust fund?" "Yeah... no." "Bill, I don'T." "I don't care." "All I care aboutis becca leaving me." "Us." "She's not leaving us." "You know, she's moving out." "She doesn'twant to live here anymore." "I can't tellwhat's worse -- whether she doesn't knowshe's ripping my heart out, or whether she does know, but,you know, she just doesn't care." "Honey, honey,it's a phase." "She sees miaacting so independently, she probably wants to seewhat that feels like, so she's doing the only thingshe can to assert herself." "What?" "Like getting awayfrom me?" "Like I'm the wicked witchof the west or something?" "No, it's not about that,trust me." "As soon asher father lets her down, she'll be begging you tobring her back home, I promise." "We're talking about hank,here." "How longcan that possibly take?" "He'll probably disappoint heron the car ride home and have to turn around." "Don't make me laugh, 'causeI'm trying to wallow here, okay?" "Thank youever so kindly." "So you had your fun and then you told themthe truth, right?" "Told them what, hank?" "You know, I think I'd appreciateyour particular brand of humor a lot more if you weren'tfucking around with my life." "And you haven't fucked aroundin mine at all?" "I mean, I know, I know --it was an accident." "How could youpossibly have known?" "The simple fact remains,you fucked me and you didn't want to haveanything to do with me." "That doesn't sit wellwith the ladies." "So this is your revenge?" "You're some kind offeminist caped crusader?" "Yeah, well, we all pay forour sins sooner or later, hank." "Thank you." "How'd you get ahold of it?" "Well, it was just sitting thereall unappreciated and shit, and I asked karenif I could read it." "And she said "no." "" Exactly." "She was afraid that I wouldget corrupted in some way." "I'm sure." "Oh, man.I wonder what'd she think if she knew I that hadyour dick in my mouth." "But I digress." "Anyway,I took it to kinko's and settled infor what was truly a great read." "It's so good, hank." "A really great first draft." "You're gonna get caught,you know." "People are gonna recognizemy writing." "No, see,I covered my tracks." "I added little bits of mewhen I re-typed it." "It's not really so muchan outright theft as a mash-up." "An homage, if you will.From me to you." "You are a very young... sociopath-in-training." "Oh, come on." "That's like satan callingone of his junior minions "a big meanie." "" Yes, but I never set outto hurt you, mia." "What elseis out there for me, huh?" "!" "College, going to europe,working at an agency, a network, a studio?" "Blech!" "Boring!" "This has been fun." "I never intendedto be famous, but I do likebeing the center of attention." "It feelsjust like I thought it would -- totally fucking great." "But it's gonna go away." "Well, we just got offers from victoria newsomeand little brown, but I think random house is gonna blow themout of the water." "Random house?" "I didn't even knowthey were -- did I miss these calls?" "I didn't see messages." "No, I didn't think it wasworth bothering you about." "Some kahlwith your coffee?" "We seem to be all outof champagne." "I think the tv peopledrank it all when they sold "slut wars"into syndication." "No." " No, thank you - don't mind if I do." "It's been a great ride,charlie runkle." "We proved sexand the workplace can mix.We subvertedsome dominant paradigms." "And froma feminist standpoint, we're about to launcha major female writer." "She was great,wasn't she?" "I mean, she was poised,she was funny... she had themeating out of her hand and looking up her skirtat the same time." "Yeah,that is quite a feat." "The girl's gonna sellfive million copies based onthe jacket photo alone." "And did you see how completelyunfazed she was by hank?" "I mean, no offense,he's a cool guy, but it was kind ofpathetic, right?" "Yeah, uh, dani, I actually have a little bitof a headache, you know?" "I think I'm just gonna lie downhere for a while." "Okay." "You rest,I'll take the calls." "So, here's the lastof your t-shirts." "Thanks." "You know, you can alwaysbring your stuff home, um, for me to washon the weekends or whenever." "I know." "'Cause your dad,um, you know, he'll probablyjust buy you new clothes when the old onesget dirty." "That would behis solution -- mom, I know." "You know." "Yeah." "Hey!" "Shit, you're nottaking everything, are you?" "No." "Just the essentials." "I'm gonna let you guys --give her a hand, yeah?" "Mom?" "Yeah?" "You and me..." "I was thinking next saturdaywe could go to the getty." "Just us." "That'd be great.I'd love that, sweetie." "And so it begins." "The non-custodialparent time, hmm?" "Oh, hey,not the dark side of the moon.I might wantto borrow that one." "It's way too smallfor you." "Uh, yeah.That's why I like it." "Whatever." "Hey,I was just teasing." "That's what sisters do,you know?" "They borrow clothes,talk about boys, conspire againstthe parental units..." "You know, it's not gonnaeany fun here without you." "Was it fun before?" "Hmm, true." "But, hey, you're not gonna havethat problem anymore living with your dad." "Sure." "It'll be a hoot." "Like taking kafkato the third street promenade." "You're noteven excited a little bit?" "I suppose." "Well, shit,I would be stoked." "'Cause your dad, I mean,he's a riot." "He's totally awesome." "I'm not going to live withmy dad because it's fun." "I'm goingbecause I have to." "I don't knowif you've noticed, but your dadis about to marry my mom." "Yeah, so?" "So it's really happening." "He can't pretend anymorethat it's not." "And whatevermiraculous thing he thought w going to happenwith the writing..." 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