"So here's what you missed on Glee:" "Sue got fired from McKinley, so now she's at Carmel High coaching Vocal Adrenaline." "Dalton Academy burnt down, and all the Warblers came to McKinley, which is good because the New Directions!" "Didn't have enough kids, and if they don't win, the glee club's over, but it might be anyway because Rachel got accepted back at NYADA and got offered a role on Broadway." "And that's what you missed on Glee." "All right, I don't care what the body's doing." "Just make sure the facce is doing something special." "A five, six, seven, eight." "Show it." "Hide it." "Hit your friend, hit your friend." " Grab the jelly..." " Good, you guys." "Remember, show faces." "Make a sandwich, throw it down." "Stay at home, stay at home." "Leave your home, seven, eight." "Twinkle, twinkle, little star." "Mother, may I point to you?" " All right, not bad, guys." " Yay!" "That was so good, you guys!" "Let's take five." "Uh, no, no, no." "Let's not take five." " Excuse me?" " My feet are like an outtake from Black Swan, but you don't hear me complaining..." "Because my fellow Warblers and I understand the stakes involved." "May I remind you that if we don't win sectionals," "Glee Club no longer exists." "Do you think Sue Sylvester is giving" "Vocal Adrenaline a five minute break?" "No." "This weekend, I saw them walking on hot coals." "(all screaming)" "If Oprah can do this, so can you." " We suck!" " Okay, you suck!" "Take a nap, Nickelodeon." "(all arguing indistinctly)" " Relax." " KURT:" "Come on, guys." "Everyone's improving very nicely." "This is not the time to panic." "But it is time to be pragmatic." "With all due respect to our well-meaning teachers, there is zero chance of beating Vocal Adrenaline with rudimentary moves like "Mother, may I point to you?"" " I love that move." " It's awesome." " Thank you." " Moreover, the Warblers and I recently had a little sidebar, and we believe it's time for a frank discussion about who should be featured up front." "And who should be..." " hidden in the back." " JANE:" "No." "The only three girls in this group are not moving to the back." "Nope." " Uh-uh." " Oh, no, no, no." "I wasn't talking about the girls." "I was talking about..." "Just say it, Skyler." "The dead weight." "Look, we all know that some of us aren't as physically fit as others, but give Roderick some time." "He's got a killer voice and he's a quick learner." "I guarantee he can get the dance moves, dude." "And when will you get them, dude?" "You're just as bad as he is." "You're worse!" "You dance like a blind man with a back brace who hasn't taken a dump in three weeks!" "Hey, I don't have to dance good." "I just need to look good, and I do." "Get over yourself!" "We all look good." "Even Julianne Moore over there." "Order, order, gentlemen." "What?" "Look, I have to agree with super gay Warbler." "I love you guys, but we just can't afford to lose." "So, unless you magically get better, like, this second, then I think you should take one for the team and maybe just... stay hidden in the back row." "(school bell ringing)" " You okay?" " Yeah, I'm..." "I'm fine." "No, you're a mess." "Let me help you with that." "Thanks." "How the hell are we supposed to get this routine down if I can't even get through my day without tripping over myself?" "We're screwed." "I feel like a hippo trying to do ballet like some strange nightmare out of Fantasia." "I know, man." "I got moves on the field, but I can't seem to get these dance moves down." "It's... right, left, right, left..." "Yeah?" "No, I thought it was left and then right." "Well..." "I don't know." "I mean, how are we supposed to get through this routine if neither one of us actually even knows it?" "I mean, we need someone to help us." " Maybe Alistair can..." " No." "No, I'm sorry." "I just don't want" " to watch you two make out all weekend." " Yeah." "But we got to have someone to whip us into shape." "Well, how about Mr. Shue, then?" "He's the best dancer." "We need his moves, but he'll just tell us he's proud of us even when we're doing a subpar job." "Who we really need..." " is Kitty." " Is Kitty." "I mean, she's by far our harshest critic." "And a true taskmaster." "She'll make at least one of us cry." "Yeah." "I'll see you later." "(school bell rings)" "Want to do that." "And try this one second." "Hey, uh, Rachel, do you have a second to go over this list?" "I-I-I thought that Kurt" " had the set list for sectionals nailed down." " Uh, yeah." "No, this is a list of performers that, uh, finished their college degrees before they actually..." "Sam..." "jumped to Broadway or Hollywood." "We talked about this, okay?" "You were very clear about how you felt, and I'm very clear about how I feel." "Patti LuPone, Carrie Underwood," " Meryl Streep." " Okay, look." "You know what?" "I knew you were gonna do this, so I made a list of all the performers who either dropped out of college or who didn't go at all, and who had very successful careers." "Here you go..." "Lady Gaga, Coco Chanel and Miss Barbra Streisand herself." "I know you, so I made this list of people that dropped out and were huge for five minutes, but then were never heard of again." "Kesha." " Kesha's still performing." " Okay, well, my bad." "I'm just..." "Sam, please, look." "I hear you, okay?" "And you're being a really good friend." "I just..." "I don't want to talk about this anymore unless you support my choice, okay?" "All right." "You know... we all support you." "Okay, we always do." "Just please, think about the future, okay?" "And not just, like, the next month or the next big ticket out of here, but actually look back at yourself from the future and ask if dropping out of NYADA was something you're proud of." "Hmm." "(Roxette's "Listen to Your Heart" begins)" "♪ I know there's something ♪" "♪ In the wake of your smile ♪" "♪ I get a notion from the look in your eyes ♪" "♪ Yeah ♪" "♪ You built a love ♪" "♪ But that love falls apart ♪" "♪ Your little piece of heaven ♪" "♪ Turns to dark ♪" "♪ Listen to your heart ♪" "♪ When he's calling for you ♪" "♪ Listen to your heart ♪" "♪ There's nothing else you can do ♪" "♪ I don't know where you're going ♪" "♪ And I don't know why ♪" "♪ But listen to your heart ♪" "♪ Before ♪" "♪ You tell him good-bye ♪" "♪ Oh, oh ♪" "♪ Oh ♪" "♪ Listen to your heart ♪" "♪ When he's calling for you ♪" "♪ Listen to your heart ♪ ♪ Listen to your heart ♪" "♪ There's nothing else you can do ♪" "♪ I don't know where you're going ♪" "♪ And I don't know why ♪" "♪ But listen to your heart ♪ ♪ Listen to your heart ♪" "♪ Before... oh ♪" "♪ Listen to your heart ♪" "♪ Listen to your heart ♪" "♪ Take a listen to it, whoa ♪" "♪ I don't know where you're going ♪" "♪ And I don't know why ♪" "♪ But listen to your heart ♪" "♪ Before ♪" "♪ You tell him good-bye. ♪" "Wow." "Jessie St. James." " Hmm." " What are you doing here?" "I'm from here, remember?" "And I'm just in town for a couple of days." "My mom is getting a tummy tuck and a little eye work done." "So..." "I thought she could use a little help around the house." "The real question is, Rachel Berry... what are you doing here?" "What?" "I'm coaching the glee club." "Yeah, we're-we're cramming for sectionals right now, so..." "Well, I heard you were offered a new role in the Russell Simmons musical opposite one of Broadway's hottest up-and-coming young actors, but that the producers are still waiting to hear back from you." "Wait, how do you know that?" "Because I'm the hot up-and-coming young actor that you're going to play opposite of." "You're playing Tino?" "The Iraqi War vet who was discharged for covering the American embassy with the graffiti that he used to make him a famous Philly street artist, and when he comes home crippled with PTSD, it's only his love of hip-hop that can save his life?" "(laughs) Yeah." "The producer spent a month trying the cast the role of Segovia Shade until I finally reminded them they found their Segovia Shade." "She auditioned for them." "Her name is Rachel Berry." "Jessie, I really appreciate you doing that for me, but I just..." "I-I haven't made up my mind yet." "Rachel..." "(quiet laugh)" "It's really fun to come home every now and again and coach a glee club or... in my case, help your mom use her grabber tool to pull a box of cereal off the top of the fridge," "but you and I both know that you belong on Broadway." "You need to get your ass back to New York." "I am going back to New York." "Right after sectionals." "I just don't know yet if it's gonna be for college or for Broadway." "(laughs):" "What?" "!" "You can't be serious." "Look, my career was on track." "And then I dropped out of NYADA, and-and my whole life fell apart." "So now I have the chance to rectify that mistake by going back to college, so what if that's the right choice?" "Rachel, your mistake was not leaving NYADA." "You got the lead role in Funny Girl." "Nobody could've expected you to turn that down." "Your mistake was leaving the show too early to do that stupid sitcom." "Look, I'm sure that NYADA is a great place, and maybe it's because I'm a little biased because she personally rejected me, but unless you want to be Carmen Tibideaux and run a school that claims to be the nation's top" "performing arts institution when they have a known track record for rejecting really talented young actors... (sighs) you don't need to go to college." "Well, thank you for your input." "I really appreciate your opinion." "I just..." "I have to make this decision on my own." "Fair enough." "I know that you'll make the right decision." "I just..." "We make really great music together, Rachel." "We always have." "Think about it." "(school bell rings)" "Okay, you're in the back row, but you're gonna be the best back-row dancers ever." "Okay?" "Here we go." "A five, six, seven, eight." "Step together, step together." "Turn." "Slide." "Oh, yeah, slide." "WILL and KITTY:" "Kick-ball change." "Okay, guys, good, good, good, good." "Um... we're making progress." "A for effort, all right?" "Guys, I'm really sorry." "I'm just, like, not a dancer." "Dude, I'm the one that's slowing us down." "Okay, anyways, let's just try it again, okay?" " I'll do it with them." " Okay." "Maybe the music will help." "♪ ♪" "Five, six, seven, eight." "Step, step, step, step." "Step together, step together." "Let's just do those turns." "Yes!" "(cracks) (groaning)" "(sighing, groaning) Aw, gross." "Holy crow!" "You did a number on this thing." "Geez, it looks like somebody rubbed beets all over your feet." "I love beets." "The X-rays were negative." "It's just a sprain." "But it's one of the worst I've ever seen." "It's fine, and I'm not missing sectionals." "The only way you could put weight on that thing, let alone dance, is if you got a cortisone shot." "Okay." "Well, it'll take away the pain, but it won't fix the damage." "Damage?" "I've read this book before, son." "It's a book written by these knees." "Looks like a jacked up C-section." "If you perform on an ankle like that, there's no telling how much worse it'll get." "Torn ligaments, ruptured tendons." "You take an injury that should take two weeks to heal, and you turn it into a month, a year, maybe never." "I-I've heard enough." "This is insane." "Absolutely not." "There's no way I can let you perform." "No, it's worth it." "No, Spencer, listen to him." "Look, I'm not the best dancer," "I'm not the best singer, not even close, but I'm an athlete." "I'm the one that's supposed to be tougher than everyone else." "On game day, I'm gonna get that shot and we're gonna win." "And whatever happens after that," "I'll deal with it." " Hey." " (Gasps) Oh, my gosh." "What are you doing?" "You scared me." "I'm throwing away all of our old brushes, and I'm organizing the foundations." "I found a really good one to match Spencer's skin tone." "Okay, let me take that and, um, will you have a seat?" "I wanted to talk to you for a second." "Are you gonna give me the same speech that Sam did?" "Look, Rachel," "I don't want to fight with you." "You know that." "We had the same exact argument last year." "Broadway or NYADA." "Life is too short." "I truly want you to do whatever's gonna make you happy, but I remember you last year, and you weren't happy." "Last year was hard." "A lot happened." "Yeah, it was hard for all of us." "But a lot of great things happened to you, too." "You just never got the chance to enjoy any of them." "I just want you to appreciate this time in your life." "What if I say no to the show, and then I never get cast on Broadway again?" "It could be like career suicide." "That's not going to happen to you." "Listen, you could do Broadway or NYADA." "You're gonna be great at whatever you choose." "When I first heard that you and Blaine were moving back to Lima to teach your old glee clubs," "I thought you were crazy, but I'm so lucky you made the decision that you did." "You inspired more than just this group of kids." "You inspired me, too." "What we're doing really matters." "We have a profound effect on these kids and their self-esteem and what they go on to accomplish." "Look, we only have a few more years left to go to college and learn all the fun stuff like acting and fencing and choreography." "But we also get to go to school and be inspired in the process." "I mean, how lucky are we?" "I just want you to think about that while you're making this decision." "I'm going back to NYADA, and-and Blaine is real excited because he just got into NYU for next semester." "So we get to start over again." "I mean, how many people really get the opportunity to go back to the crossroads they faced a year ago and choose the other path?" "It could all be different." "(school bell ringing)" "Hey, Mr. Shue." "All right." "Look, Mr. Schuester, the glee club got a special delivery." "Oh, that's so nice." "The return label says GLAAD." "Maybe they're gifts for hosting the trans choir." "Wait, wait, wait!" "Let's all open them on three." "Oh, yeah." "One, two, three!" "No!" "(screaming)" "Quiet, quiet!" "(ticking)" "Take cover!" "(screaming)" "It's raining glitter!" "Is everyone okay?" "Who would do this?" "Sue." "Sue." "Sue!" "Please tell me that was insured." "Oh, it's not." "But that was very, very pretty." "(sighs)" "(Sam groans)" "Geez, Sam, are you all right?" "Yeah, I think I just ate some bad meat loaf." "Okay." "(retching) No." "(coughs, sniffles)" "I-I'm gonna go get the school nurse, okay?" "Has anyone seen the school nurse?" "(Sue giggling)" "Sue, what is going on?" "Oh, hello, William." "I was just sniggering behind this Tupidanthus." "You sent those glitter bombs, and you... you put eyedrops in the coffee, didn't you?" "Oh, no, no, no, it's actually in the entire McKinley High water system." "Everyone at this school is experiencing what I like to call." "Monte-Sue-ma's revenge." "What is wrong with you?" "Oh, just another flare-up of my chronic hate disorder, that's not going to stop until you quit, William Schuester." "Oh, my gosh!" "Somebody's car's on fire." "(sirens approaching) No." "Oh, Eileen, preparations are complete, and my victory is close at hand." "If you'll be so kind, I'd like to get my signature Carol Brady blowout before I lead Vocal Adrenaline to sectionals." "Coming right up." "(muffled grunting)" "(men shouting)" "SUE:" "Look at the precision." "Not a goose step out of place." "Simply put," "Vocal Adrenaline is such a machine." "BEISTE:" "What the hell's going on in here?" "What the hell happened to your hair?" "Hello, Sheldon." "How did you get in here?" "You're not even allowed on the property." "Let's be honest, Sheldon." "If history has taught us anything, it's that this school is remarkably easy to break into." "You know, Sue, it was Will and I who stood up for you when nobody else would." "And you pay me back by breaking into my locker room?" "With the show choir that trashed my car?" "So you can show them old footage of Nazis?" "Do you know what those guys would've done with a guy like me?" "They would've shipped me off." "Or made you the centerpiece of an awesome zoo." "(laughter)" "I want you to get out of here." "Now." "Get out of here, all of you!" "Get out!" "Well, then, Sheldon, I guess I will see you at sectionals, and I think you're going to be very surprised at what Sue "Lex Luthor" Sylvester has managed to accomplish." "ANNOUNCER:" "Hey, Northwest Ohio, are you ready for sectionals?" "(applause, whooping)" "Let's meet our distinguished judges." "First, it's Ohio's favorite vice comptroller," "Donna Landries." "My glaucoma!" "Now give it up for WOHN News 8 anchorman." "Rod Remington." "(shouting)" "And last but not least, raise the roof for the Westminster Kennel Club's 2014 Trainer of the Year." "Butch Melman and her champion standard poodle." "Trixie." "(growls)" "Kicking off our show, from the John James Audubon Institute for Rehabilitative Ornithology, the Falconers." "(Mr. Mister's "Broken Wings" begins)" "♪ Baby, don't understand ♪" "♪ Why we can't just hold on... ♪" "It's not too late to quit, you know." "Hello, Sue." "Oh, nice wig." "Very Carol Brady of you." "It's the best human-hair wig money can buy." "Made by my very own Malaysian hair slave." "You don't scare us." "Say your prayers." "End times are here." "Listen... ♪ And when we take ♪" "♪ These broken wings. ♪" "(song ends, applause)" "How about those birds?" "And now from Carmel High, it's the incomparable Vocal Adrenaline." "♪ We built this city ♪" "♪ We built this city on rock and roll ♪" "♪ Built this city ♪" "♪ We built this city ♪" "♪ On rock and roll ♪" "♪ Say you don't know me ♪" "♪ Or recognize my face ♪" "♪ Say you don't care who goes ♪" "♪ To that kind of place ♪" "♪ Marconi plays the mamba ♪" "♪ Listen to the radio ♪" "♪ Don't you remember ♪" "♪ We built this city ♪" "♪ We built this city or rock and roll ♪" "♪ We built this city ♪ ♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪" "♪ We built this city on rock and roll ♪" "♪ Built this city ♪" "♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪" "♪ We built this city on rock and roll ♪" "♪ Built this city ♪ ♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪" "♪ We built this city on rock and roll ♪" "♪ Built this city ♪" "♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪" "♪ We built this city on rock and roll ♪" "♪ We built this city. ♪" "(song ends, applause)" "(Toni Basil's "Hey Mickey" begins)" "♪ Oh, Mickey, you're so fine ♪" "♪ You're so fine you blow my mind ♪" "♪ Hey, Mickey ♪" "♪ Hey, Mickey ♪" "♪ Oh, Mickey, you're so fine ♪" "♪ You're so fine you blow my mind, hey, Mickey ♪" "♪ Oh, Mickey, what a pity you don't understand ♪" "♪ You take me by the heart when you take me by the hand ♪" "♪ Oh, Mickey, you're so pretty, can't you understand?" "♪" "♪ It's guys like you, Mickey ♪ ♪ Guys like you ♪" "♪ Oh, what you do, Mickey, do, Mickey ♪" "♪ Don't break my heart, Mickey, hey, Mickey ♪" "♪ Now when you take me by the, who's ever gonna know?" "♪" "♪ Every time you move, I let a little more show ♪" "♪ There's something you can use ♪" "♪ So don't say no, Mickey ♪" "♪ Oh, Mickey, what a pity you don't understand ♪" "♪ You take me by the heart when you take me by the hand ♪" "♪ Oh, Mickey, you're so pretty, can't you understand?" "♪" "♪ It's guys like you, Mickey ♪" "♪ Oh, what you do, Mickey, do, Mickey ♪" "♪ Don't break my heart, Mickey ♪" "♪ Oh, Mickey, you're so fine ♪" "♪ You're so fine, you blow my mind ♪" "♪ Hey, Mickey!" "♪ (cannons boom)" "(crowd cheering)" "(school bell ringing)" "Hey." "How's it feeling?" "Be better once I get shot up with enough cortisone to numb a horse." "MYRON:" "All right," "I am going to murder this." "There will be weeping." "All right, everybody, let's circle up!" "Welcome to the most sacred of New Directions!" "Traditions." "The show circle." "And now the pep talk." "Yes, yes." "That is next." "But tonight, it's not my place." "We are all here because of Rachel." "Well, okay." "Um, a couple of months ago, I crawled into this choir room with a mission." "Selfish one." "I needed you guys to help me get my groove back." "And, well, it came true." "Now the world is opening up to me, and... the best part is, is that in this moment, I don't care." "All that matters to me is you guys and the strength of this circle that we've created." "So go out there and enjoy it." "Enjoy the-the lights and-and the applause and-and the cheers, because you guys have earned it." "And I know we all know that this could be the last time that the New Directions!" "Performs together, so... as a member of the old guard, I just want to say that we all couldn't be more proud that you guys are the ones bringing us home." "BLAINE:" "All right, guys, everyone's hands in." "ALL:" "Amazing!" "(school bell ringing)" "Are you sure about this, Spencer?" "I've never been more sure of anything in my life." "Wait, wait, wait, wait, stop." "Rod, what are you doing?" "We don't have much time." "Just hear me out." "I have an idea." "(exhales)" "ANNOUNCER:" "And now, from your very own William McKinley High, the New Directions!" "(crowd cheering)" "(choir humming Hozier's "Take Me to Church")" "♪ My lover's got humor ♪" "♪ She's the giggle at a funeral ♪" "♪ Knows everybody's disapproval ♪" "♪ I should've worshiped her sooner ♪" "♪ My church offers no absolutes ♪" "♪ She tells me worship in the bedroom ♪" "♪ The only heaven I'll be sent to ♪" "♪ Is when I'm alone with you ♪" "♪ I was born sick, but I love it ♪" "♪ Command me to be well ♪" "♪ Take me to church ♪" "♪ I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies ♪" "♪ I'll tell you my sins so you can sharpen your knife ♪" "♪ Offer me my deathless death ♪" "♪ Good God, let me give you my life ♪" "♪ In the madness and soil ♪" "♪ Of that sad earthly scene ♪" "♪ Only then I am human ♪" "♪ Only then I am clean ♪" "♪ Oh ♪" "♪ Oh, amen ♪" "♪ Amen, amen ♪" "♪ Take me to church ♪" "♪ I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies ♪" "♪ I'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife ♪" "♪ Yeah ♪ ♪ Offer me that deathless death ♪" "♪ Good God, let me give you my life ♪" "♪ Let me give you my life ♪ ♪ Take me to church ♪" "♪ I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies ♪" "♪ I'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife ♪" "♪ Offer me that deathless death ♪" "♪ Good God, let me give you my life ♪" "♪ Oh, oh, oh. ♪" "(crowd cheering)" "♪ Party girls don't get hurt ♪" "♪ Can't feel anything, when will I learn?" "♪" "♪ I push it down, push it down ♪" "♪ I'm the one for a good time call ♪" "♪ Phone's blowing up, ringing my doorbell ♪" "♪ I feel the love, feel the love ♪" "♪ One, two, three, one, two, three, drink ♪" "♪ One, two, three, one, two, three, drink ♪" "♪ One, two, three, one, two, three, drink ♪ (Rachel laughs)" "♪ Throw them back till I lose count ♪" "♪ I'm gonna swing ♪" "♪ From the chandelier ♪" "♪ From the chandelier... ♪" "♪ I'm gonna live ♪" "♪ Like tomorrow doesn't exist ♪" "♪ Like it doesn't exist ♪" "♪ I'm gonna fly ♪" "♪ Like a bird through the night ♪" "♪ Feel my tears as they dry ♪" "♪ I'm gonna swing ♪" "♪ From the chandelier ♪" "♪ From the chandelier... ♪" "♪ And I'm holding on for dear life ♪" "Oh, my God!" "♪ Won't look down, won't open my eyes ♪" "♪ Keep my glass full until morning light ♪" "♪ 'Cause I'm just holding on for tonight ♪" "♪ Just holding on ♪ ♪ On for tonight, on for tonight ♪" "♪ 'Cause I'm just holding on for tonight ♪" "♪ Oh, I'm just holding on for tonight ♪" "♪ On for tonight, on for tonight. ♪" "(crowd cheering)" "(choir humming Styx's "Come Sail Away")" "♪ I'm sailing away ♪" "♪ Set an open course ♪" "♪ For the virgin sea ♪" "♪ 'Cause I've got to be free ♪" "♪ Free to face the life that's ahead of me ♪" "♪ On board, I'm the captain ♪" "♪ So climb aboard ♪" "♪ We'll search for tomorrow ♪" "♪ On every shore ♪" "♪ And I'll try ♪" "♪ Oh, Lord, I'll try... ♪" "♪ Oh, Lord, I'll try ♪" "♪ To carry on ♪" "(tempo increases, choir humming)" "♪ A gathering of angels ♪" "♪ Appeared above my head ♪" "♪ They sang to me this song of hope ♪" "♪ And this is what they said ♪" "♪ They said come sail away, come sail away ♪" "♪ Come sail away with me ♪" "♪ Come sail away, come sail away ♪" "♪ Come sail away with me ♪" "♪ Hey, hey, oh, oh ♪" "♪ Come sail away, come sail away ♪" "♪ Come sail away with me ♪" "♪ Sail away with me ♪" "♪ Come sail away, come sail away ♪" "♪ Come sail away with me. ♪" "(crowd cheering)" "(cheering, excited chatter)" "(school bell ringing)" "Can I just say, I can't believe" "I got roped into doing this thing again..." "What has got to be the lowest form of entertainment ever known to mankind." "__" "So when I got the call this morning, I'm like," ""Okay, Donna Landries, just calm down." "These groups cannot be worse than the last time."" "And then they were." "I don't know which group I hated more." "The Vocal Adrenalines were like... that was like sitting through Fallujah." "You gonna point a cannon at me?" "Hell no!" "And what's up with this bird school?" "I-Is that a public school?" "Is that where my taxpayer dollars are going?" "And don't start me on New Directions!" "Oh!" "Now, Donna, I'm gonna stop you right there." "They might not be able to dance or sing, but when it comes to New Directions!" "Of the female persuasion, ooh." "__" "I mean, how about that smoking gal going Au naturel with the Pam Grier Afro?" "Sister's got it going on." "She got me hankering for a piping hot cup o' cocoa." "What the hell did you just say to me?" "Technically, I'm not even supposed to be judging." "__" "The invitation was addressed to Trixie, so really it's up to the dog." "(barks)" "Sorry." "Trixie's not racist." "Like all dogs, he sees in black and white, and darker skin makes it harder for him to make out facial features." "Wait, this dog is a dude?" "BUTCH:" "He sure is." "And that maleness might just give us an indication as to how he's gonna vote." "Now, Trixie..." "(clicker clicks)" "Trixie, Trixie." "Which glee club displayed more... "performativity"?" "Good boy!" "Are you out of your mind?" "That was the worst music I've ever heard." "There's not a single person on Earth who woke up this morning and said, "You know what song I just really need to hear today?"" "'Hey, Mickey.'"" "And by the time fatty was singing." ""Take Me to the Church," I'm like, "Okay." "Provided the service we attend is my funeral."" "Well, I thought I knew which show choir had my vote." "But as I scour the depths of my soul," "I now realize I have deep reservations about sending them to regionals." "Well, can we just vote, please?" "I got piles." "(school bell ringing)" "ANNOUNCER:" "Before we get to announcing the winners, a quick message from our sponsor:" "Wayne's Waffle House is where to spend your Sundays." "(applause)" "(whispering):" "I love waffles." "ANNOUNCER:" "And now, in third place from the John James Audubon Institute for Rehabilitative Ornithology, the Falconers!" "And now, without further ado... the winner of this year's sectionals is the New Directions!" "(cheering)" "♪ ♪" "♪ ♪" "All right, guys." "We're back at it on Monday morning." "(sighs)" "SUE:" "Hello, William." "Well, Sue, looks like it finally happened." "You lost." "Yeah, in a manner of speaking, yes." "And I have only one thing to say to you, and one thing only:" "You're welcome." "(chuckles) I didn't say thank you." "I know, and that's just plain rude, because I handed your glee club a victory on a silver platter, guaranteeing that the New Directions!" "Will be a part of this school long after you and I are gone." "Okay, what are you talking about?" "You've spent the last six years trying to destroy us." "Now you want me to believe that you suddenly had a change of heart and you've been secretly helping us?" "Well, that's exactly what happened, and I am impressed that a mind as simple as yours could make that sophisticated leap in logic." "What are you talking about?" "Well, it is true that I have spent a better part of a decade trying to destroy you and the glee club, for which I harbor a deep and abiding hatred, but when that backstabbing Geraldo Rivera," "with his craven ad hominem hack job... there were only two people who stood up for me:" "Coach Sheldon "The Abomination" Beiste and you." "So I took it upon myself to repay you by sabotaging." "Vocal Adrenaline from the inside, handing you a win at sectionals." "Okay, that is insane." "You were absolutely trying to win today." "You pulled out all the stops." "That was, by far, the most over-the-top routine." "Vocal Adrenaline has ever done." "Precisely, and it was a routine specifically tailored to the deep background" "I performed on all three judges." "Now, I knew that an overly produced, acrobatic spectacle would remind Vice Comptroller Donna Landries of that fateful day back in October of 1964 in Sandusky, Ohio, when she attended the circus and witnessed the most notorious" "mass clown stomping in the history of elephant husbandry." "I included a song from Starship to subconsciously unsettle Rod Remington, who was briefly in an acrimonious group marriage with all seven members of Jefferson Airplane." "But what about the dog trainer?" "That chick's rocking an IQ in the low 80s." "She's an actual idiot." "She was always gonna love you people." "Well, then why did you put eyedrops in the McKinley water system?" "I mean, why did you want the glee club to spend an entire day violently projectile-vomiting?" "Well, I figured they all needed to lose a few pounds, and there's nothing like a day-long projectile-vomiting sesh to jump-start the old metabolism." "Then why the glitter bombs?" "Well, that was to trigger the stress hormone cortisol." "A good burst of cortisol boosts alertness and takes about three days to fully exit the system, giving your glee club a perfectly timed sensation of relaxed euphoria the exact moment they walked onstage." "Wow." "Yeah." "But why did you blow up my car?" "Well, that was just for fun." "Well, Susan..." "William." "Looks like this is it." "Yeah." "Wow." "No thank-you?" "No thank-you for the person who just described in painstaking detail how she sacrificed her own well-being to save your glee club and guarantee your job indefinitely?" "Mmm..." "Okay." "Change of plans, Butt Chin." "I'm gonna take the weekend, maybe fly down to my condo in Boca, brown up a bit, and when I come back, I will have come up with some brand-new ways to destroy you." "(sighs)" "(laughing)" "Looks like it was another cutthroat sectionals." "You know, I forgot the way it smells in here." "All that life-or-death teen adrenaline, all that drama." "Feels like a million years ago." "Miss it that much, huh?" "(laughs) Oh, God, yes." "Give me a medley or a mash-up or a Broadway tribute, anything to get me back up on that stage with my friends, singing and dancing for my life." "God, I loved it so much." "But you know what?" "We got bigger fish to fry now, Berry." "You, me, the footlights of Broadway." "I don't know if you've found an apartment yet to live in, in New York, but, uh, you can always stay at mine until you find one." "No strings attached, of course." "He said flirtatiously." "I turned down the part, and I decided to go back to NYADA." "I think I was afraid that going back to college would be a step backwards, but..." "I think it's a step in the right direction." " Hmm." " So... don't be mad." " You're mad." " No." "I'm not mad." "Sad that I won't be spending every night onstage with Rachel Berry, absolutely, but I'm proud of you." "You went with your gut." "You didn't take the easy road back to Broadway." "And you know what I think?" "NYADA better watch out, 'cause the Berry is back." "(chuckles softly)" "(sighs)" "Thank you so much for understanding." "And I will be there on your opening night, so you better not screw up, because I'll have an egg" " in my purse with your name on it." " Oh, wow." "You're really not gonna let me live that down, are you?" " No." " Well, maybe I can make it up to you, because, you know, you're gonna be in New York, and I'm gonna be in New York, so we're bound to run into each other." "I mean, we're bound to, yeah." "I mean, I think it's inevitable." "I'd like that." "All right, I'm gonna go." "I'll see you soon." "(school bell ringing)" "(whooping and cheering)" "All right, the next first-place trophy in that case is gonna be regionals." "(cheering)" "You know, someday... five, ten, 20 years from now..." "You're gonna walk into this school and you're gonna see the trophies in that case or... or maybe you'll be watching your own sons and daughters win their awards, and I hope you'll remember this time in your life," "this incredible moment when a group of very different people put aside their differences, supported each other and formed a team, and hopefully made some lifelong friendships." "Now, some of our advisors are gonna be leaving us, but no matter where we go, no matter where we are, we will always be here in spirit, and we will always be supporting you." "Now, a chapter in Glee Club history may be ending, but it is just the beginning for all of you." "We could not be more proud of you." "(whooping) Congratulations." "Hey, let's hear it for Rachel, Mr. Shue, Kurt and Blaine, everybody." "Oh... (cheering)" "(students murmuring)" "You know, our two little trophies look really pathetic in there all by themselves." "I vote we get the old ones and put them back in there with them." "(others murmuring in agreement)" "(laughter)" "(cheering)" "WILL:" "Congratulations, guys." "(cheering)" "(cheering and applause)" "(applause)"