"Well, go on then!" "Albert might come out here any second!" "You've only got to pop across the corridor to the bathroom, it's not a life-or-death dash across no man's land, is it?" "But what if he sees me?" "He doesn't know I'm staying in here with you." "He still thinks I sleep in Rodney's old room and Rodney sleeps on the settee!" "We'll have to tell him the truth, Del." "Alright, sweetheart." "If it makes you happy, you tell him." "Me?" "I'm not telling him!" "It's embarrassing!" "He's your uncle, you tell him!" "Alright, I'll tell him." "He don't bother me." "Honestly." "Get back, he's coming!" "Tea up, Del Boy." " Morning, son." " Morning." "Here's your papers." "Financial Times and Exchange and Mart." "I'll look up the closing prices on the Tokyo stock exchange at the breakfast table." "Yeah, you please yerself, son." "Raquel!" "Cup of tea, love?" "You awake?" "Raquel?" "I'll leave it outside for you, love." "Something smells nice in the kitchen, Albert." "I just do meself some egg and bacon, son." "What d'you want for breakfast, something healthy or something nice?" "Yes, do us a fry-up, will ya?" "But look lively, cause I don't want Raquel see it." "She's into all this high-fibre cobblers." "Have you managed to have a talk with young Rodney yet?" "What about?" "What d'you mean, what about?" "He's left his wife and come back to live here!" "But he's a full-grown adult, ain't he so what am I supposed to do?" "I don't know." "You could appeal to his common sense." "Oh yeah?" "Then after lunch I'll go out and find Shergar!" "This is no laughing matter." "Cassandra's gone to live in a foreign country!" "No, she ain't!" "She's gone to Spain." "She's only gone there for a week." "Her and her mum have gone to get away from it all at the family villa." "Family villa?" "I'm family now, ain't I?" "I could do with a break." "I'm having a drink with Cassandra's dad tonight." "I'll have a word with him." "He's down the pub every night boozing!" " Cassandra's dad?" " I'm talking about Rodney!" "Oh, I was gonna say, because Alan's teetotal." "Going out for a drink with him is like going on a pub crawl with Betty Ford." "Don't worry about Rodney." "He's just a bit confused at the moment, that's all." "Yeah, he looked a bit confused when he come in the other night." "Confused as a newt!" "Still, he's making a bit of effort." "Look, he made his bed before he went to work." "Rodney didn't sleep on the settee last night." "Where'd he sleep then?" "He slept in his old room." "I thought Raquel slept in there!" "Where'd she sleep then?" "I don't believe him!" " She slept... somewhere else." " Oh I see!" " Where?" " Gordon Bennett!" "Could raise your voice one more decibel then they might hear you in the Doodoyne!" "You mean she slept with you." "Yes!" "Alright?" "Yes, she did." "Listen, don't you go saying nothing to her about it!" "Why, don't she know?" "Of course she knows." "I don't want her to be embarrassed, that's all." "I wondered why you looked a bit chirpy!" "Blimey, that laugh of yours!" "Sounds like someone trying to push-start a Lada!" "Here you have my breakfast, build yer strength up." "I'll cook meself another one." "Good." "Bless ya." "You're a lifesaver I tell ya!" "Lovely Jubbly!" " Morning." " Morning, love." "Nice to see you back on yer feet." " You up to a bit of breakfast?" " No thanks." "I don't know how you can eat that sort of rubbish, Albert." "The Trotter family have been eating that sort of rub... cousine for generations." "It never done us any harm." "My dad lived 'til he was 81." " 81, see?" "That's a good age." " It weren't for him." "He died!" "I know that. what I meant..." "I agree with Raquel." "I can't eat all that fried rubbish no more." "You gimme a nice old grapefruit anyday." "Good, that's what I like to hear." "You've got some egg on your chin." "A doctor told you to stay off fried food!" "Yes, I know and a doctor told Snow White to eat more fruit, and we all know what happened to that poor old cow!" "I know you've got my intentions at heart and I'm grateful." "I'll try to leave it alone in future, alright?" "Good Lord is that the time?" "Are you eating?" "No, I wanna get down to the shops before they're too packed." "Come on, I'll give you a lift now I've gotta drop off some printings at Boycie's." "Albert, I'll see you later." "And you know what you can do with that rubbish, don't you?" "Put it in the oven - put in the oven!" " Del gone to work?" " Yeah." "I thought you had gone as well!" "No, I overslept when I woke up." " D'you want a bit of breakfast?" " Yeah, I'll have a..." "No, I'll have a glass of orange juice." "You'd better get a move on, It's gone nine." "The thing is, Unc, I don't feel well enough to go to work today." "Could you give them aring and tell them I won't be there?" "What's wrong with you?" "It's me stomach." "It sorta aches." "I think I've got a viral condition." "There's a lot of it about." "Yeah, especially amongst the regulars at the Nag's Head." "I have not got a hangover if that's what you're thinking!" "Alright, I had a drink last night." "And the night before, and the night before that!" "Alright, just..." "Ask for the personnel department." "Hello?" "Could I have the personnel department, please?" "They wouldn't have the likes of you in the armed forces." "Let's me out of World War Three then, dunnit?" "Good morning." "I'm calling on behalf of Rodney Trotter." "He won't be intoday because he's... eh?" "What d'you mean, 'Who is he'?" " Who are you?" " The cheeky cow..." "Tell her I'm the head..." "the head of the computer section!" "He's the head..." "he's the head of the computer section!" "Yeah, that's him!" "Well, he won't be in today because he's got a bellyache." "Don't know, dear." "He might be a bit egg-bound." "Right." "Alright, dear." "Bye." "Alright?" "Alright?" "What d'you mean, alright?" "Why d'you tell her I've got a bellyache for?" " That's' what you've got, innit?" " No, it is not!" " You said you had an ache." " I have!" "In yer belly?" " Well, ain't that a bellyache?" " No!" "Well, I must have got the wrong end of the stick, son." "A bellyaches is what you have when you're tryng to get out of schools sports day!" "Heads of computer sections have viral conditions!" "Well, whatever it was, they know you won't be in today." "I don't think I can go to work ever again!" "Bloody egg-bound!" "Albert, have you seen the keys to the van?" "Get that breakfast on the ta..." "Rodney, what are you doing here?" "I thought you're supposed to be at work!" "He's not going a work today." " Why not?" " He's got a viral condition." " What's that?" " A bellyache." "Must have come on rather sudden, Rodney, 'cause last night you were feeling no pain!" " I know what you're thinking!" " No you don't!" "Just because I had a couple of drinks, you automatically assume I have a hangover!" "Have you looked to yourself in the mirror this morning?" "Cause you certainly are not the fairest in the land!" "You look like you've just come back from a Club 18-30 trip to Chernobyl!" "Chernobyl's not too far from the truth!" "My love life has taken on a distinctly Russian ambience." "Freezing bloody cold and the goods rarely turn up!" "You don't wanna believe what you read about the Russians." "During the war  I was in the Soviet Union for a while." "Here we go, we're back in the USSR!" "You've got no problems." "They wouldn't let you in the Soviet Union!" "They wouldn't let you into the plumbers' union!" "I was dry-docked in Murmansk for over a month!" "And I met one or two of them Russian girls - and I'm telling you, they're hot stuff!" "Oh leave out, Albert!" "It's true Rodney, he's got a point." "I mean, look at that love-bite on old Gorbachev's head!" "Come on Rodney, give me a hand to look for these keys, will ya?" "I've gotta get that printing down to Boycie's." "Albert, I want you to iron my midnight pink shirt for this evening, I'm having coctails with Alan." "Cassandra's dad?" "Yes, Cassandra's dad." "Your father-in-law, your employer!" "I don't know what I'm gonna say about your fun and games." "How many days you had off this week cause of hangovers?" "You're gonna push that man's loyalty too far, you really are." "I'm ill!" "What have you got?" "The two-bob bits?" "A viral condition sounds better." "And what am I supposed to say about this situation with you and Cassandra?" "Tell him I'm working on it." "Oh that should cheer him right up, shouldn't it?" "Where d'you leave yer keys?" "If I knew where they were, I wouldn't be looking for them." "Go and have a look in my bedroom." "I'm having a look in the kitchen." "Do you want me to phone and make an appointment at the doctor's for you?" " No, no, I'll be alright." " But you're limping." "Yeah, me sock's soaking wet." "Someone left a mug of tea outside my bedroom door." "Duke." "Will you get in that bloody house?" "Are we going out for the day or aren't we?" "Yes!" "We're going out for the day!" "I am just waiting for the engineers to call to check this thing over." "They said they'd be here at nine." "Look at it, quarter to ten and no sign of 'em!" "Del Boy was supposed to bring my printing round as well." "I suppose he's got held up by that woman - what's her name?" " Raquel." " Yeah, the stripper." "She is not a stripper!" "She's an actress!" "Oh really?" "Well, the last time I saw her she was acting the part of a stripper." "Isn't it working yet?" "Yes, it's working." "It's just that I can't trail it on the satellites." "I mean, how am I supposed to know where they are?" "You'd think they'd fly them a bit lower, wouldn't you?" "Well, it wouldn't be a..." "Look, Tyler." "Come round here and look at your daddy." "Look at your daddy playing with his new toy." " Doesn't he look stupid?" " This is not a toy, Marlene!" "You are looking at 2,000 pounds worth of state-of-the-art technology!" "You never paid 2,000 pounds for that!" "You got it 'ooky!" "For Gawd's sake!" "We've got a chief inspector living next door!" "I know." "He was the one you got it off of." "Why couldn't we have got a cheap one from Dixons like everyone else?" "Because this is not for pleasure!" "This is a high-tech investment in my video-leisure company." "This thing can pick up the whole of Scandinavia." "I can therefore record films of the more adult variety and show them to my more discerning clients." "You mean perverts." "Well, if you wanna get medical about it, yes!" "Boycie, you got a minute?" "He wants paying." "And no messing." "You pay him!" "I know what a tight sod you are." "And be nice to him." " You know he's had problems!" " OK, I'll be nice to him." "Don't get your face too close." "It scares him!" "Yeah, he's daft." "I've just finished." "Oh you're finished alright." "Look what you've done to my vestibule!" "I've got paint on me carpet, paint on the chandelier, paint on me chippendale telephone seat!" "You can't help a drop or two of paint!" "A drop or two?" "It looks like someone's held an acid party in a Delux warehouse!" "Well, I'm sorry you're disappointed." "What shall I do with the bill?" "Stick it where the mice won't get at it!" "I'm not paying!" "Hang about, Boycie." "We had an agreement!" "You owe me 400 quid!" "We shook hands on it." "Yes." "And I had to wash the paint off afterwards!" "You either adjust your bill to take account of all the damage, or contact my solicitor." "That is the last time I have a cowboy working on my property!" "I am not a cowboy!" "Not a cowboy?" "I've got spur-marks on me grandfather clock!" "I don't like being called a cowboy!" "No one's ever called me that before!" " Oh, wotcher, Del." " How's yer luck, pal?" "I've just bin working for Boycie, that's how bad things are!" "You'll never guess." "That tight-arsed bark's only refusing to pay me!" "Accused me of being a messy worker." "Well, let's face it Bronco, you are just a little bit sloppy.Mean, look at them overalls." "But I'm a painter and decorator!" "I know that, but I only sold 'em to you last Tuesday!" "I did ask Sandra to run 'em through the washing machine, but the landlord's cut our electric off." "Landlord?" "I thought you bought that little flat down Lordship Lane?" "Building society evicted us." "So where are you now?" "In a bed-and-breakfast hotel out near the airport." "It's handy if you like planes." "Yeah, we're at the end of the main runway." "Cushy!" "Here, how's that little Kylie of yours then?" " She broke her arm." " No!" "Climbed up on a chair to look at a plane." "Things are a bit grim for you, ain't they, Bronco?" "Maybe I should tell Boycie, eh?" "Give him a sob-story." "Tell Boycie a sob-story?" "He's the one who cheered when Bambi's mum died!" "I just don't understand my luck lately." "If it can go wrong, it's gone wrong!" "A roof I re-tiled has just collapsed." "Last week I rewired a bloke's flat, yesterday it caught fire..." "Oh, by the way, here's my business card in case you need anything done." "It's very handy." "I'll keep that." "I've worked hard to build up this business, and I've always led an honest life." "Well, I've kept out of trouble for the last five years, ain't I?" "That's true." "But being banged up in Wandsworth prison helped, didn't it?" "And why did I go away?" "Because you have a tendency to nick very silly things!" "I mean, you were caught speeding down Streatham High Street in a knocked-off JCB!" "I know you've got these problems..." "What d'you mean, problems?" "Well, that psychiatrist reckoned you suffered from some sort of paranoia." "You can't take any notice of him, Del." "He always had it in for me." "Yeah, never thought of that." "Do you need a few quid to tide you over?" "No." "Nice of you, Del." "I'll get me money one way or another." "See you around." "If you need any help, just give us a bell..." "Stay lucky." "I've brought your printing around." "He's gone, has he?" "Good." "He's been decorating my vestibule - made quite a good job of it, as it happens." "I'm well pleased." "But you've refused to pay him!" "No, no, Del Boy." "I only refused to pay him the agreed price." "It's principle." "I make a fuss, he doesn't want the publicity or the aggro and so he knocks 50 per cent off for good will." "He gets a living wage and I save two hundred notes..." "It's good business." "He's got that Kylie and Sandra, Rachmann to support." "Does this look like the Social Security to you?" "I mean, who is he, anyway?" "He's yer brother-in-law!" "D'you think I like having a certified nutter working in my house?" "I only give him the job to help him out." "Talking of in-laws, it's bloody handy having Rodney working for his father-in-law's printing firm." "All this at half-price, eh?" "Does Alan know about this?" "It wouldn't matter if he did." "Cause Rodney is totally in charge now." "That place couldn't possibly operate without him." "Yes, I always had faith in that boy." "Yeah, so did I. You've ordered a lot print this time, ain't yer?" "Yeah." "I thought I'd get in quick before Rodney gets the sack." "I've been thinking about getting one of them electric pianos." "Yeah?" "They sound a lot better, don't they." "That's right." "And you can switch 'em off." "Still, at least my ban on his singing has worked." "Last night it was Trotter the younger and his dopey mates." "Were you here last night?" "Most probably." "There was Rodney, Mickey Pearce and Jevon, dancing and poncing about pretending to be Ninja Turtles." "They'd all had far too much to drink." "Don't want that sort of thing in a pub, do yer?" "No, you don't!" "Red sails in the sunset..." " He's singing." " I know." "Does he know you banned him?" " Au revoir to you both." " Del Boy." "What you drinking mate?" "Give us a peach daiquiri please Michael and a chipolata sandwich." "Alan hasn't been in yet, has he?" "I was supposed to be drinking with him tonight." "I ain't seen him so far." "Saw Boycie about 'arf an hour ago." "He didn't even stop to say hello." "Seemed in a right mood." "I expect Marlene's taken the Velcro off his Y-fronts again." "Sorry I'm late, Del." "Pam just phoned from the villa." "No problem, Alan." "What are you drinking?" "Just a tomato juice for me." "Add a tomato juice to my bill please." "Would you deliver them to the table over moi." "You're most probably been wondering why I asked to meet you tonight." "Wondering?" "Well, of course I'm not wondering!" "What could be more normal than relatives having a quiet drink together." " Relatives?" " We're family now, aren't we?" "Well, we're... kind of related - sort of." "No sort of about it, Alan!" "When Cassandra married a Trotter you all became Trotters - maybe not in the eyes of the law, but certainly in the eyes of my heart." "Oh yes, Alan, you are family now." "What's mine is yours, and I reckon it works the other way round and all." " About this villa of yours..." " What happened to Rodney today?" "Rodney?" "Oh yes." "He's got a viral condition." "Yeah, the lady in personnel said he had the two-bob bits." "It's worse than that." "He is very very poorly." "You called the doctor in?" "I wanted to but he just wouldn't let me." "It's his uncle's influence." "He's trying to be a British bulldog." "Last night he was tryng to be a Ninja Turtle." "Rodney was down here last night?" "Down here?" "He was down here, up there, all over the place!" "Drunk as a sack, he was!" "If he hadn't been spending so much on drink I'd have thrown him out." "This viral infections they happen very suddendly." "Alright, Del." "Cards on the table." "This bussiness with Rodney is why I really came to see you about." "So tell me, what the hell is happening?" "Well he's drinking too much and pretending he's enjoying it." "That's why he's been having so much time off work recently." "I've been trying to tell him but it's no good." "If he carries on with this rate he'll be a dead-ringer for Keith Richards." "He looks like an extra from Halloween as it is." "So what d'you think's brought it about?" "Who can say?" "His lifestyle, I suppose." " Late nights, women, booze, drugs." " Rodney?" "Oh Rodney!" "Thought you meant..." "Well, it's obvious, innit?" "It's this broblem with him and Cassandra." "Yeah, that's what I always feared." "I had hope that one day I could leave the bussiness to them two, and I'd had left it in good hands." "Like a dream come true, innit?" "You could fall off the perch in peace, couldn't you?" "I didn't actually mean falling off the perch, Del." "I meant I could retire." "Oh, of course!" "Pam and I have always planned to settle down in our villa in the sun." "I would leave the bussiness safely with Rodney and Cassandra and if they got in trouble with the business I'd always be there to take control." "You and I got the same age, Del, so by that time you'd be retired too." "Never thought of that..." "I'd be able to come over to spend a few months with you and Pam at the villa." "Oh yeah." "Wait 'til I tell her." "You and Pam, me and Raquel." "You can just picture it, can't yer?" "We'll have a few laughs." "Few sangrias, bit of fried squid." "Lambarda the night away." "Lovely Jubbly!" "Let's have a drink to celebrate it?" "I don't touch it nowadays." "About that villa of yours..." " Del." "Call for you." " Who is it?" "Someone called Blonco or Bronco or something." "Excuse me, Alan." "It's a very important business associate of mine." "I'd hurry up if I was you." "He sounds like he's had a skinful." "Excuse me Alan." "You never know what you've got 'til it's gone." "Yeah, I suppose you're right, Trig." "I know how much it can hurt." "I had a relationship break up a few years ago." "She worked at my council depot." "She was a ladyroad-sweeper?" "Oh no!" "She was management - real high-flier." "You had to go to her when you wanted a new broom." "Linda." "Nice girl." "Had a funny eye." "Never knew if she was looking at me or seeing if the bus was coming." "Anyway, she heard about this little hotel down near Henley-on-Thames and she said to me, 'How about spending a weekend there?" "'" "What sorta money we talking about?" "I've to pop round and see it, won't I?" " What?" " Was it a nice weekend?" "Yeah." "Well, at least I thought it was... but she didn't wanna see me no more after it." " Well... er..." "I don't like to pry, Trig..." " No, it's a bit personal." "Hang on Bronco." "Trig, what happened?" "She got jealous." "I heard later, through friends, that she wanted to go with me." "I'll have a large scotch, Mike." "What are you saying, Leroy?" "Still a bit of mud and dirt over here, love." " Thank you, Albert!" " Pleasure, dear." "What do you say, Leroy?" "Sweetheart can you witch the J Edgar off, I'm on the mobile blower." "Now, what was you saying Leroy?" "Eh?" "Can you hear me?" "Blow this for a game of toy soldiers." "Oh dear, we got cut off." "Gawd knows what he wanted." " Del." "Can I ask you something?" " Of course you can, sweetheart." "Before I moved into this flat how did you keep this place clean?" "We didn't." "What I'm trying to say is:" "I seem to spend all my time hoovering." "Well, have a break." "There's a lot of ironing to be done in the kitchen." "For your sake I hope that's a joke, Trotter!" "Otherwise you'll be drinking that aftershave!" "Of course it's a joke." "Come on, take a break." "Sit down, put yer feet up." "I'll go put the kettle on and make us a nice cup of tea..." "Albert, put the kettle on and make us a nice cup of tea." "You home for lunch, Rodney?" "No." "I just picked up my orders from Alan." "I've got to go and meet Cassandra at the airport." "Oh by the way, I bumped into Leroy this morning." "He was really upset about some mobile phones you sold him." "I told him to give you a ring." "Oh right, thanks very much, bruv." "So, you had a little chat with Alan?" "No, he left a message with his secretary." "He weren't at work today." "He's got some sort of virus." "Why's he want me to pick Cassandra up for?" "Well, I think it's a good idea!" "It'll give you and Cassandra a chance to have a chat." "I'm not talking to her!" "She weren't talking to me before she went away, so I'm not talking to her now!" " Oh, grow up, Rodney!" " It's got nothing to do with you, Raquel!" "Or you!" " Don't have a pop at Raquel!" " Well, stay out of my life!" "That is one touchy little sod, that is!" "Don't be too hard on him." "He's going through a bad patch." "He'll be going through a bleed'n' window if he carries on at this rate." " I'll get it." " No I'll get it, you sit here sweetheart." "I'll go." "You're gone now." "Oh it's Raquel!" "You look so different fully clothed." "Hello, Boycie." "I suppose I've got to ask you in?" "Yes." "I'd like to get away as quick as possible." "I've left my Mercedes parked downstairs and you know what they're like on this estate." "They'd have the wheels off a Jumbo if it flew too low." " Well go on then, go in." " You're too kind." "What d'you want?" "Oh dear." "Do I detect an atmosphere in chez Trotter?" "It's most probably Del's aftershave." "I'll make the tea." "I think I'll go in the kitchen with Rodney." "I suddendly feel rather nauseous." "You've got one in a million there, Del Boy." "I know!" "What can I do for you Boycie?" "Well, you may have heard, that I recently acquired a rather expensive piece of electronic hardware." "A television satellite aerial receiver." "No, I didn't know that.." "Oh yes." "And I'm not talking about one of these 150 quid Mickey Mouse jobs you see glued to the side of reclaimed council houses ruining he beauty of the stone cladding." "I'm talking two grand, hi-tech, state-of-the-art sophistication." "Leave it out, Boyce, you're making me jealous." "You're not the only one." "Yesterday some git nicked it!" "You're kidding?" "When I went out in the morning it was standing there in my back garden." "When I came back later..." " It wasn't!" " You catch on fast, Del." "What do you want me to do about it?" "The word is that a very similar television satellite receiver was seen entering this estate tied to the back of a lorry." "So if any of your contacts should offer you an almost new aerial dish, buy it for me as cheap as possible." "Offer 300, I'll go to 500 at a push." "You wanna buy your own property back?" "Why don't you go to the gendarmes?" "They're very busy people." "I thought I'd save a bit of time doing it this way." "Know what I mean?" "Yeah, I know what you mean." "I'll keep my ear to the ground." "If I hear anything I'll give you a bell." "Goodbye, Raquel." "Glad to see you've settled in so well." "Is your son about 11 years old with a Mohican haircut?" "Good God, no!" "Well, who's that sitting in your Mercedes?" "Hope he falls down the stairs." " You feeling better now?" " Yeah." "Sorry about just now." " Forget it..." "Come on and sit down." "What are you gonna do?" " Dunno." "D'you want your marriage to work?" "Really?" "Honestly?" "Really and honestly." "I want me and Cass to go back to the way we were." "If she wants to pursue her career and has to go to functions and seminars at the bank, then I don't mind any more, I really don't." "Well, how about telling her that?" "'Canape de entroi' as the guv'nor of the Bastille said as the flames licked round his old April." "That is French and it means 'I've gotta do something, quick!" "'" "With Cassandra, I had a woman I loved." "A woman who said she loved me..." "Now I find myself halfway between paradise and Nelson Mandela House..." "I just want her to believe believe that I mean everything I say!" "I've tried everything in my power to convince her." "I feel like I've taken the mountain to Muhammad only to find he's already bloody got one!" " I'd better go and see if I can..." " Yeah, go on." "You know why Alan asked you to pick Cassandra up at the airport?" "'Cos he weren't feeling well." "No." "It's because Cassandra and her mum have been sitting by their swimming pool in that villa of theirs having exactly the same conversation as we just had." "She feels exactly the same as you do." " Cassandra?" " No, her mum!" "Of course Cassandra!" " Really?" " Really..." "Have you got any money?" "Yeah, I've got money!" "Well, not a lot." "I've got an idea." "I know the manager of this luxury hotel that's right near the airport." "I used to go there during the mating season." "Now I could give him a bell and get him to give you the bestest suite in the whole hotel, the full works." "So when Cassandra flies in all brown and relaxed you could be waiting with a bouquet of flowers and the keys to the honeymoon suite." "A mini-honeymoon - 18 months after the first." "D'you really think it could work?" "Yer best whistles, a splash of Brut, you'll be home and dry!" "Go on then, I'm game!" "Good boy." "You know it makes sense." "I'll give him a bell." "You know I said I've got some money?" "Well, since I've been working for Alan I've been doing really well." "I know you've been struggling a bit lately, so if you need it, it's there." "Rodney." "You are the jewel in Mum's crown, Rodney, you really are!" "Oh shuddup!" "Thanks very much, bruv, and I appreciate it." "But I'm not doing too bad at the moment." "I'm doing quite well with that half-price printing..." "And I reckon I'm gonna pick up a nice bit of bunce with that thing there." "Good evening, Mr Trotter." "I am Henry, your concierge." "Your brother phoned and said you would be requiring our very finest suite, complete and utter privacy and a full English breakfast." "Oh yes, thank you." "As this booking is of an intimate nature I think it would help to maintain a degree of privacy if we dealt only in cash." "Oh yes, right." "That will be 150 pounds please." "150 q...!" "Oh right, of course." "As a special surprise, Derek has also ordered champagne on ice." "Only the very finest champagne Derek said." "Money is of no object." "Oh that was nice of him." "That will be another 70 pounds please." "He can be very generous at times, can't he?" "I believe you have a guest joining you?" " A special evening, is it sir?" " Cor, yeah, if I'm l..." "Yes." "My wife will be landing at the North Terminal in about an hour." "I see." "Well, don't worry, if she should call at the hotel, I'll say I've never heard of you." "No, you don't understand." "My wife is my guest." "Your wife?" "Oh well, it takes all kinds!" "Can I order you a bouquet of flowers?" "My brother got me a bouquet." "They're out in the va... car." "Can I help you , sir?" "Have you any idea when flight 475 from Malaga will be arriving?" "I'll just check." "That flight should be landing in about ten minutes, sir." "Oh good." " In Manchester." " In Manchester?" "I'm afraid it was rerouted." "But I'm waiting for my wife!" "I've booked a hotel suite –" "I've got a bottle of champagne" " I've spent nigh on 200 quid waiting for this flight!" "I'm very sorry, sir." "As you can see, the airport's in absolute chaos at the moment." "Your wife was lucky to take off at all." "Information, can I help you?" "The important thing is she landed safely." "Yes, in Manchester!" "I mean, so much for my big surprise!" "Tonight has cost me nearly 250 quid!" "I thought by now me and Cass would be sitting in our honeymoon suite sipping champagne and having a quick look at her holiday snaps." "D'you know how much tonight has cost me?" " About 250 pounds?" " Nearly 250 pounds it's cost me!" "Michael." "Give us an non-alcoholic lager for the stud over there." "What's wrong with him tonight?" "Looks like he's just come back from a funeral." "In a matter of speaking, he has!" "It's all rather personal and private." "Rodney thought he would be enjoying the fruits of love this evening instead he's enjoying a packet of pork scratchings." "Can I have two large glasses of your finest cognac for Raquel and moi." "Celebrating something, are we?" "You could say that." "Even as we speak, I've got 500 smackeroonies winning their way to this public house safely tucked up in Boycie's inside pocket." "Boycie's handing out 500 notes?" "What's happened?" "He had a whack on the head or something?" "It's wheels within wheels, Michael." "Pour passer le temps, as they say in Nice." "Here you are my son and keep the change." " You're 40p short mate." " That's alright." "Put it in the charity box." "I had such high hopes for tonight." "I thought you did by the way you walked in." "Thank you for ordering that champagne, Del." "That's alright, bruv." "It was the best, I hope." "Oh yes, 70 quid's worth." "Nothing but the best for a lady like Cassandra." "Pity she's in Manchester, innit?" "Yes, it is." "Still, you can talk to her tomorrow." "And she'll know you went out to the airport to meet her, her dad'll tell her." "I made the gesture and that's what counts." "You'll thank me for this my son later on, I bet you will." " Cassandra's up north." " I know!" "How'd you know?" "She just phoned from Manchester airport, wanted you to know she is safe and not to worry." "Where'd you say Rodney was?" "I said he was spending the night in some hotel." "But did you say which hotel?" "I couldn't remember its name so I gave her the phone number." "But you told her I'd gone to meet her at the airport?" "Of course not!" "It was supposed to be a surprise!" " You daft old sod." " You garrity old git!" "She'll phone the hotel to find out that I've booked the honeymoon suite in the name of Mr and Mrs Trotter!" "She'll think he's gone caseo with some tart!" "I don't know how you're gonna cat your way out of this one, Rodney." "If you hadn't suggested booking the hotel room, none of this would have happened!" "Wait a minute!" "It was your hormones on turbo, not mine!" "Why don't you phone Alan?" "He's bound to speak to her soon so he can explain." "Good idea." "I'll go back to the flat to phone him." "No need." "You can use my mobile." "Second thought, better go back to the flat." "You can give me a lift back, Rodney." "You coming?" "No, I got to wait here for my money." "Don't hand the money over here in full view." "I hear that intensive care isn't all that is cracked up to be." "You're in no danger whatsoever, Del Boy." "I ain't handing you a penny." "What're you talking about, Boycie?" "I got your statellite dish back for you." "No, you didn't, Del." "At this very moment in time, my satellite dish is sitting in my back garden and picking up a very exciting episode of Wagon Train from Helsinki." "But you said it had been nicked!" "That's what I thought." "But I discovered this evening that, while Marlene and I were out for the day, the engineers took it away for repair." "Well, what's that thing I've got on my balcony?" "I don't know, Del." "And to be perfectly honest I couldn't give a monkey's toss." " It's something wrong with this thing." " Come on, Alan, answer!" "I can't find anyone called Bronco in your address book." "It wouldn't make much difference if you did." "He moved a little while ago." " There's a lot of women in here." " They're bussiness associates of mine." "Why have you put stars by some of their names?" "I can't remember now." "It was a long time ago." "Let me have a look." "He's not in." "He's probably gone to Manchester to pick up Cassandra." "She'll tell him, I've booked into a hotel with another woman - he'll fire me." "She will divorce me and it's all your fault!" "And yours!" "Oh shuddup, you tart!" "I've got problems of me own." "So have I!" "I just cannot get a picture from your satellite dish!" "Will you stop messing about with that television?" "I've gotta find out where Bronco lives, find out where he got that satellite dish from." "I thought you said he gave you his card." "He did." "And I filed it somewhere behind Boycie's geraniums." "If only that airport hadn't been in such a mess." "Cassandra's plane would have landed safely and everything would have been great." "I bet the air-traffic controllers have gone on strike in France again." "That's it, Rodney, that's where Bronco lives." "France?" "No, it's Gatwick!" "A little bed-and-breakfast hotel in Gatwick." "But you can't remember what it was called?" "No.All I remember was that it was named after somebody famous." "Well, that's narrowed it down, hasn't it?" "Uncle, would you pop in my room and get my 37 volumes of famous historical characters?" "We'll soon have this sorted out, Del." "Don't get sarky with me, Rodney!" "A famous painter!" "That's what it was." "Come on, Bamber, that's your start of a tenner." "Famous painter..." "Michelangelo?" "Rembrandt?" "Picasso?" "Rubens?" "Van Gogh?" "Botticelli?" " Turner?" " No, no." "A famous French painter." " Why didn't you say he was French?" " I just said so, didn't I?" "Monet?" " Manet?" " She just said that!" " No, she said Monet." " That's what she just said!" "Pay attention, Rodney." "Adolf Hitler used to be a painter." "I don't bel...!" "How long's he been French?" "And who in their right mind would call their hotel the Hotel Hitler?" "A famous French painter." "Lautrec?" " Renoir?" " No!" "French!" "Degas, Boudin, Pissaro, Seurat, Tissot?" " Schubert." " Schubert?" "Schubert!" "You soppy old git." "That's it!" "His guess has got it!" "The Hotel Schubert!" "Schubert?" "Well done, Unc." "Got all these GCEs and it takes an old sea dog to come up with the answer." "Schubert weren't French!" " And he weren't a painter!" " Well, he should have been" "Ah, here it is!" " Schubert was a German composer!" " Austrian, actually." "You mean you knew?" "How did you know about Schubert?" "Would you mind?" "I'm trying to get on the blower." "Oh good evening.Can I speak to Mr Lane please?" "Thank you." "Shall we just forget about the satellite dish and watch the ordinary telly?" "Yeah, let's watch the news." "They might be some report about the ecological destruction of our planet - anything to cheer me up." "Bronco?" "It's Del Boy." "Listen, tell me something, I wanna know." "Where did you get that statellite dish from?" "What are you apologizing for?" "Alright, alright, you were desperate and you had a funny turn." "I can understand that." "I've had Rodney living back with us..." "Well, of course I know what it is!" "It's a statellite receiver dish, innit?" "What d'you mean, that's what you thought ?" "Bronco, why you crying?" "What is it then?" "Where did you get it from?" "Oh my God!" "Oh hell's bloody bells!" " So where's he get it from?" " He didn't say." " Del, come have a look." " What is it?" "Turn it up." "The radar transmitter dish similar to the one shown here, was stolen from the end of Gatwick's main runway in the early hours of yesterday morning." "The theft brought Gatwick airport to a standstill and has caused chaos throughout Europe and left thousands of returning holiday-makers stranded." "You caused that!" "You've brought Europe, a whole continent, to a standstill!" "I didn't mean to!" "That's why Cassandra's plane had to land in Manchester." "That's why she's stuck up there airport instead of in my honeymoon bed!" "And that's why my marriage is all but bloody over!" "Haven't you ever made a mistake?" "I mean, you thought it was an aerial dish an' all, didn't you?" " Don't you include me." " I'll show it to ya, it looks like one." "I'll take it back first thing in the morning." "Switch it off!"