"This stethoscope doesn't work." "Sounds all right to me." "Welcome to The Sketch Show." "Season 1 episode 3" "Daddy, could we go home now?" "Not long to go now, sweetheart." "Just a few more things to get." "But I'm tired." "Come on then, Little Miss Lazy Bones, let's go and get some milk." "This self-massaging chair is amazing." "Malcolm, that's not a self-massaging chair." "Has anyone seen the cat?" "All right." "That was some great work, everybody." "Really excellent snorkeling." "One thing though, Paul, you were definitely swimming too deep." "Oh, that's great." "If you could just put your chin down, that would be love..." "Oh, fantastic, hold that." "That's lovely." "Could you try and be..." "Look intense." "Try looking intense." "Oh, that is fantastic." "Great." "Now, perhaps have some fun." "Look really shocked." "Oh, I like that." "That is wonderful." "Brilliant." "Now try demure, look demure." "That is lovely, yes." "Now, if you could just try and be a bit better-looking." "I'm sorry." "Did you just say "be a bit better-looking"?" "I need you to give me everything you've got in the looks department." "I'm giving you 100% here." "Could you try giving me 700%?" "Are you saying that I'm not good-looking enough?" "Oh, no, you're beautiful." "You've got a face like a baby's bottom." "In that you've got a lovely smile and... brown eyes...." "Can you try pushing your hair forward?" "Let's try that." "See if that works." "Push the hair forward." "Oh, lovely." "Oh, that is working." "That looks brilliant." "A bit more." "Push it forward a bit more." "That's it, keep going with the hair." "Keep, keep, keep pushing it forward." "Keep..." "Just-Just push it all the way." "Now, hold that!" "That's perfect!" "Absolutely brilliant." "Okay, you-you might as well be taking a picture of the back of my head." "That's not a bad idea." "Can you turn around?" "Oh, no, I'm having a lot of problems with the ass." "What the hell's wrong with my ass?" "Nothing." "It's lovely, and it's beautiful." "It's like your face." "In that it's lovely, and it's beautiful." "Look, you know someone can be too good-looking, too perfect?" "Oh." "Yeah." "Yeah?" "Can we try that?" "Hey, your helmet!" "Paul, your table's waiting." "What's the matter?" "I can't get this bandage off my hand without pulling the hairs on the back." "Hmm." "You know what you should try?" "Some distraction therapy." " Distraction therapy?" " Yeah." "There you go." "Excuse me, sir." "We don't allow street performers here." "I'm going to have to ask you to move." "This isn't a joke, sir." "I need you to move." "Come on then." "Okay, girls, let's get our coats on." "The buses are here." "It's time to go home." "Oh!" "Oh." "Come on, there's no need to be sad." "The friendships you guys have made here this summer are going to last you for a lifetime." "In fact, you know what?" "Those buses can wait just a minute." "I think it's time for one last song." "Yay!" "* Life can be hard and that's why *" "* It's so nice to find those special people *" "* To pick you up when you're down *" "* To make you smile when you frown *" "* It can be hard to find a guy *" "* Who thinks you're good enough to marry *" "* So you've got to count on your friends *" "* They can help you when you're sad *" "* And you know friends *" "* They will probably make out with your dad *" "* In the 9th grade *" "* When they come to spend the night * * And your mom's out of town *" "* Friends, they'll give you too much to drink *" "* And then your friend will lie to you * * And make you think *" "* That Billy Thompson likes you * * So you hide in his dorm room... *" "And then he comes home at 2:00 in the morning with his girlfriend, and there you are all drunk and naked in his bed..." "What?" "That's it, friends!" "Go get on the bus." "So, working late at the office again?" "Can I borrow your stapler?" "Let me give you a... hypothetical situation." "See, there's this man, and he's gotten very close to someone he works with." "In fact, he's fallen in love with her." "He thinks about her every waking second, and at night, he dreams of her." "Now let me complicate this hypothetical situation by telling you that this man is married." "So, what should he do about the woman at work?" "He should kiss her." "Kiss her." "Answer B" " Kiss her." "That's what I thought, too." "Okay, here's another one." "A farmer has a chicken, a fox and a bag of grain." "He's got to get them all..." "Okay." " Hi." "Can you sign it, "To Lee"?" " Hi." "Of course." "Uh, I'm a really big fan." " Thank you." "In fact, maybe you could write that." ""To Lee, one of my biggest fans."" " Okay." " I'm sorry." "Could you put "love from," not just "from"?" "Mm-hmm." "Yeah, "Lots of love from."" ""Lots of love, from..."" ""Lots and lots and lots of love and kisses."" "Okay." "I think you're really hot." " Thank you." " No." "I mean, can you write that?" ""I think you're really hot."" "I don't really think that's appropriate." " Oh, go on." "Just write it." "No, not there." "After the one of the biggest fans bit." "In fact, make that the biggest fan." "No." ""I'm glad someone so good-looking is my biggest fan."" " Okay." " Yeah." ""To Lee." ""I'm glad someone so good-looking"" ""is my biggest fan."" ""I think you're really hot."" ""Lots and lots of love and kisses..."" " "Carmen Electra."" "I'm not Carmen Electra." "Just write it." "Yeah." "Hey, aren't we all in the same English course?" "Oh, yeah, how's it going?" "Uh, not bad, except I sometimes have trouble with my grammar, isn't it?" "I mean, sometimes I perfect, but other times I don't, won't they?" "See, I'm all right with my grandma." "My problem is spilling." "I can't spill to save my loaf." " Yeah?" "Yeah." "I have to rely on the spill chalk on my compluter." "Well, you know, look at it this way." "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't eat it, too, you know what I'm saying?" "No, no, not really." "Oh, I think that she sometimes has trouble mixing metaphors, aren't she?" "Yeah." "Sorry, you guys." "I'm always crying over spilled chickens before they're hatched." "It's all right for you all." "I've got a very small vocabulary." "What's that like?" "It's all right for you all." "I've got a very small vocabulary." "That's okay." "I have problems with my em pha sis." "Your em pha sis?" "Yes, my em pha sis on different parts of the sen tences." "In my job, that can cause a lot of aw kward ness." " What do you do?" " I'm a speech ther ah pist." "A peach therapist that can't spike priperly." "I'm surprised your boss hasn't sucked you." "It's all right for you all." "I've got a very small vocabulary." "Can I make a su ggestion?" "Why don't you pur chase a diction ary?" "You'll save yourself a lot of embarr ass ment." "I tell you what." "Why doesn't we all try studying together, isn't it?" "How doesn't next week sound, didn't we?" " Grape idea." " Fab u lous." "Yeah, you give him an inch, it's worth two in the bush." "It's all right for you all." "I've got a..." "Shut up!" "...isn't it?" "!" "Hello." "Crisis prevention hot line." "Okay, try to calm down, try to calm down." "You said you took some pills." "What kind of pills?" "Slow down, slow down." "What were they?" "Ibuprofen?" "And how many?" "Two." "With a glass of water." "Listen, you're going to be fine." "You have absolutely nothing to worry about whatsoever." "Oh, at least 25 or 30, and even then you'd be all right." "Nah, you'd have to wash it down with, like, a bottle of vodka and ten sleeping pills, followed by more vodka and more pills." "Not necessarily in that order, no." "That's quite all right." "Glad I could help." "Okay, you have a good day." "Bye-bye." " Excuse me, how much is that doggy in the window?" " What?" "The one with the waggily tail?" "How much is that doggy in the window?" "I do hope that dog is for sale." "There's no doggy in the window." "Have you got any mulberry bushes, or a monkey chasing a weasel?" "Are you okay?" "Four and 20 blackbirds baked in a pie?" "This isn't a pet store, you know." " Any baa-baas?" " What?" " Black sheep." " Are you ill?" "Have you any wool?" "Don't make me call security." "It's for a little boy who lives down the lane." "I don't think you should be visiting little boys down the lane, do you?" "You know, I think I might have picked up the wrong list." "* A 20-pound bag of charcoal briquettes * * A dozen beef kielbasas *" "* Chewing tobacco, a keg of beer * * Whisky for your stepmom. *" "Hey, Lee, how's it going?" "Yeah, not bad." "I had $30 today, but isn't bad really, is it, for half an hour's work." "My girlfriend s says it's not a proper job 'cause I'm taking advantage of me friends, but I just tell her to f forget about it and relax." " This is the Taj Mahal." " Wow." "This is a safari in Kenya." "You can't really see it, but that's a gazelle in the corner." "Oh, it's beautiful." " This is the Grand Canyon." " Mm-hmm." "And Barbados." "Oh, and this is a poor village in Peru." "They build their huts out of banana leaves and mud." "That's so sad." "This is Mount Everest." "That's a Sherpa." " Looks freezing." " It is." "This is Prague, obviously." "You really travel a lot, don't you?" "Oh, no, I work at Fasty Photos." "I just help myself." "War is wrong, war is wrong!" "War is wrong!" "War is wrong!" " Except for the Second World War!" "War is wrong!" " Except for the Second World War!" "Hey, hey, hey, what are you talking about?" "World War II-- fighting fascism." "Nothing wrong with that." "That's true." "War is wrong, except for the Second World War!" "War is wrong, except for the Second World War!" "And the American Revolution." "What?" "What?" "American Revolution?" " Fighting for independence from the British?" "Can't argue with that." " Yeah." "War is wrong except for the Second World War and the American Revolution!" "War is wrong except for the Second World War and the American Revolution!" "And the Crimean War!" "And there was the 100 Years War as well, wasn't there?" "Well, come here." "I've got an idea." "Kill!" "Kill!" "Kill!" "Kill...!" "You are a spineless, pathetic coward!" "You stooped so low this time." "You know what?" "I can't believe you never stand up for me." "I despise you." "I'm out of here." "What's the matter?" "It's Henry the hamster." "He just went all cold and still." "Oh, that's okay." "Hamsters do what bears do." "They hibernate." "I wish you would have told me that earlier." "I just flushed him down the toilet." "What's the matter?" "I'm having a great time down at the bottom." "You keep rising to the top." "What's your problem?" "You know what?" "I don't think this is oxygen." "Wow, you're so fascinating." "So what do you do for a living?" "I'm a doctor." "A doctor, ooh." "What kind?" "Geriatric urologist." "What kind?" "Uh, geriatric urologist." "Oh." "I'm sorry." "I don't know what that means." "Get your hand off my face." " Are you sure about this?" " Yes, absolutely sure." "It seems really dangerous." "Well, you've got to learn to cope with the pressures of golf." "And what better way to learn than this?" "Your husband's got faith in you." "Haven't you?" "Mmm!" "Mmm!" "So don't forget, for the exercise, just stay relaxed, keep focused at all times, make sure you keep your eye on the ball, and don't forget, most..." "Never mind that." "Just keep your eye on the ball, and I'm going to count you in." "Here we go." "Three, two, one, swing." "Oh, well." "Flip him over." "We'll concentrate on your bunker shots." "Would you like to see the back?" "Please." "We know that all of you were involved in the robbery." "What we need to know now is which one of you is the ringleader." "False alarm!" "Well, what a great finish that was by Aster Princess." "And we're joined now by the legendary winning jockey, all the way from Ireland, Seamus O'Laughlin." "Seamus, you must be delighted." "I'm very delighted." "Um, I'm sorry." "Uh..." "I didn't catch any of that." " Oh, sorry." "I'm a little bit excited." " Okay." "That's all right." "We'll just go again from the top." "Okay?" "Great." "Well, I'm joined by the winning jockey on Aster Princess, Seamus O'Laughlin." "Seamus, you must be delighted." "Okay." "Sorry, uh, nothing." "It's not really just every other word I'm not getting." "It's really just the whole thing." "Uh, you're talking pretty quickly there." "Right." "Okay." "Okay, here's the thing." "You're not really slowing down at all." "Are you getting that?" "Um, you're just doing it the same speed with gaps." " Right." " We'll take it again from the top, and nice and slow this time?" " Okay." " Okay." "Wait, wait, wait." "Yeah, yeah." " Right, the win's not just for me..." " The wind is not just for you?" "Not the wind; the win's not just for me." "The win is not just for you." " It's for the trainer, Mr. Edwards." " Uh, missed the train." "Not "missed the train." It's for the trainer, Mr. Edwards." " It's for the trainer, Mr. Edwards!" " Yeah, I'm getting Mr. Edwards." "Are you saying trailer?" "What..." " The trainer of the horse!" "The train ran over the horse?" "There's no bastard train, I've told you!" " You don't need to swear." " You heard that, didn't you?" " Sorry?" "Listen." " I'm the jockey, right?" " You're the jacket rack?" " I'm the jockey!" "You're the jockey." " And Mr. Edwards..." "Uh, Mr. Edwards." " is the trainer of the horse!" " is the trainer of the horse?" " Yes." "So, the win is not just for you." "It's for the trainer, Mr. Edwards." " And all the boys in the yard." " Oh..." "All the boys in the yard!" " ahhh the bus hat" " Boys in the yard!" "Bosnia." " All." "All?" " the boys in..." " the boys in..." " the yard." "the yard." " All the boys in the yard!" "All the boys in the yard!" " And the owner, Mr. Flannigan." " And we honor Mr. Flannigan." "The owner Mr. Flannigan!" "The owner Mr. Flannigan." "Has given me a lot of support." "Uh, ladder support." "A lot of support!" "What's the ladder for, to get up on the horse?" "A lot of support!" "The ladder is a lot of support." "Over the last few months." "Yes!" "So, the win's not just for you." "It's for the trainer, Mr. Edwards, and the boys in the yard, and the owner, Mr. Flannigan, who's given you a lot of support over the last few months." "Yes!" "Join us after the break." "Dead man walking!" " Dead man moon walking!" "Whoo!" "Daddy, where does poo come from?" "Well... you know when you eat your food, and it goes in your body, and it gets mashed up into mush, Then it goes inside your tummy, and all the good stuff's taken out and that just leaves the horrible, nasty," "yucky stuff, and that comes out of your bottom?" "Well, that's poo." "So what about Tigger and Piglet?" "Well, I think we all agree the numbers for last year are pretty disappointing." "Malcolm, any thoughts?" "Uh, I suggest a methodical research-based approach." "No, we need action." "Paul?" "Customer-based analysis." "Waste of marketing resources." "Kaitlin?" " Cut back on marketing spend." " Can't run scared." "Lee?" "Ah." "A low-cost, high-profile local marketing campaign." "I like it, Lee, that's fantastic." "Moving on to the Paris strategy" " Malcolm, any ideas?" " Ignore it." "They'll be over-stretched." "Can't afford to ignore it." "Paul?" "Uh, a SWAT analysis to target key demographics..." "Get your nose out of the marketing textbooks." "Lee?" "Well, it's investment-heavy, but you do have to speculate to accumulate." "I like the way you're thinking, Lee." "Nice stuff." "I wish we could all think more like Lee." " What did he say?" "Oh, Kaitlin, try to keep up." "Lee, I'm sorry again for Kaitlin." "Got it?" "Now, the 18-24 demographic." "Hit me with some fresh ideas, Kaitlin." "Um..." "Revamp the website and organise the email in a texting database...." "That is fantastic stuff, Kaitlin." "Malcolm?" "A promotional tie-in." "I love it!" "Paul?" "Paul, go home." "You're drunk." "Hello?" "Hello, would you be interested in switching long distance carriers?" "This is the crisis prevention hot line." "Okay, would you be interested in switching long distance carriers or I'll kill myself." "Good night."