"(upbeat march plays)" "¶ Good morning, USA!" "¶ I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day ¶" "¶ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ¶" "¶ And he's shining a salute to the American race ¶" "¶ Oh, boy, it's swell to say" "¶ Good morning, USA" "Aah!" "¶ Good morning, USA!" "Oh, Stan..." "I love having date night on a Tuesday." "And it's Taco Tuesday, where all the tacos are two for one." "(laughs)" "Your frugality is so sexy." "(whispering):" "I brought a garbage bag that we can fill with chips." "You know, maybe with all the money we're saving on Mexican food, we can finally buy a new couch." "Too many animals have given birth on the old one." "Stan...?" "Are you listening?" "Yeah, uh..." "I was, I was just looking at, uh... the-the alcohol." "H-H-Have they always served hard alcohol here?" "Stan, you have two Jack and Cokes in front of you." "You get them every time we come here." "Jack is alcohol?" "!" "(laughs):" "Why, I always thought it was slang." "Like, "That soda be so cheap you Jack and Coke, son."" "You just couldn't keep your eyes off that slutty bartender, could you?" "Wait, what?" "!" "Are you just guessing that she's slutty, or have you heard something?" "(brakes squeak)" "Well, we're in the driveway and that's where all conversations end." "I'm gonna go deal with the B-side of Taco Tuesday." "See you at sex later?" "(laughs) Wednesday morning, that means Stan's fresh off date night." "Come on, spill it!" "All right." "Highlight:" "Successfully passed an expired coupon." "Nice!" "The master!" "Keeping it cheap!" "Lowlight:" "Francine almost busted me checking out this hot girl's boobs." "Whoa." "Whoa." "Whoa." "You can't get caught looking." "Yeah, man." "Women talk." "If my girlfriend hears you're checking out other women, she'll realize I do it too." "Guys, guys, relax." "I covered it with an excuse and even agreed to go couch shopping at the mall." "The mall?" "!" "That place is crawling with hot chicks." "So, I'll just play it safe and not look at any women." "No, you can still look." "You just gotta learn to rubberneck." ""Rubberneck?" What's that?" "We'll tell you, but you gotta keep it a secret." "Women can never find out about rubbernecking." "New black intern:" "Kick it." "(needle scratches, hip hop music begins)" "Rubbernecking is the art of checking out women on the sly." "And if you do it right, you'll never get caught." "(rapping):" "¶ Well... ¶ My name's Mcgee" "¶ And soon you'll see" "¶ If you wanna rubberneck" "¶ Just listen to me" "¶ Because a peek don't hurt ¶" "¶ If you wanna scout skirt, you have to be covert ¶" "¶ Listen up, you squirt" "¶ Well, my name is Jackson" "¶ My technique's the purest" "¶ When I wanna scout girls" "¶ I pretend I'm a tourist" "¶ You look around like you're super lost ¶" "¶ Hold up a map, now you're peeking like a boss. ¶" "Yeah..." "I guess when I'm lost, I do look everywhere." "¶ My name is Sanders and I don't lie ¶" "¶ The best way to peek" "¶ Say there's something in your eye. ¶" "Wow... smooth." "¶ Well, my name is Tiny Dick" "¶ And I have a little trick" "¶ To look at a lady" "¶ So she don't think I'm shady" "¶ I pretend that I'm dead" "¶ And I lie on a gurney" "¶ When the nurses come up" "¶ I do the Weekend at Bernie's ¶" "¶ Never forget, women like to judge ¶" "¶ Go on, give that cattiness a nudge ¶" "¶ So tell your woman that you hate a girl ¶" "¶ And you can stare while all that hate unfurls. ¶" "Ah... hey, Francine, look at that terrible outfit." "Yeah, she looks like a hooker." "(echoing):" "Hooker, hooker, hooker... ¶ When you wanna take a look, hold up a book ¶" "¶ A newspaper will do to look at some boobs ¶" "¶ I think you're ready to join the crew ¶" "¶ Because you're rubbernecking" "¶ With the best" "¶ Rubbernecking with the best" "¶ Because you're rubbernecking" "¶ With the best" "¶ Rubbernecking with the best." "(song ends)" "New couch!" "Klaus, get in here!" "(clinking against fish bowl)" "This better be important." "I'm crank calling my aunt in Düsseldorf." "(gasps) She's on." "(deep voice):" "I'm going to kill you." "I'm going to kill you." "(phone beeps)" "Okay, what now?" "(gasps) A new couch!" "It feels like I'm floating." "Well, I took a long enough lunch; better go back to work." "Listen, Stan..." "I'm sorry I got so paranoid last night." "There were beautiful women all over the mall today and you didn't even notice." "You're talking about that redhead, right?" "Either way, you should know I only have eyes for you." "You know, Klaus," "I've been saving something for an occasion just like this." "This bottle of wine was a gift from Julia Child... to Liz Taylor." "I stole it when I worked at the post office." "Yes, red wine, the deepest staining of all the wines." "To our new couch." "Ah, that was a terrible toast." "Could've been about any couch." "Let's try again." "To our new, pristine, white couch." "Blech!" "Ooh!" "It's turned." "That is bad wine." "That is real bad wine." "Never keep wine in the car." "I knew it and I did it anyway." "Oh, no, the couch." "The cushions are sewn in." "We can't flip them." "(gasps) Stan will kill us!" "What are we gonna do?" "!" "We'll just have to sit here forever." "That's brilliant!" "Oh, isn't it crazy how worried we were a moment ago?" "Well, hello, hot jogger." "¶ Rubbernecking..." "Might as well get some photo proof for the boys while I'm here." "Not doing anything wrong." "Just looking for a signal." "Definitely not zooming in to see if you're wearing underpants." "Some from the back and don't forget the rack." "(crashing)" "Damn it, if Francine finds out I crashed because I was rubbernecking, I'm a dead man." "Ah...!" "My back hurts and I used to have a great back!" "What the hell were you looking at?" "Uh, uh, nothing." "I must've lingered on a blink." "(gasps) Are you okay?" "Do you need help?" "Get out of here!" "You've done enough!" "Nice." "Oh, my God, what happened to you?" "!" "Oh, I got in a car accident, Francine, but don't worry, luckily I've had enough time to remember the exact truth of what happened." "Oh, you poor thing." "Come rest your bloody head right here underneath where I'm sitting." "You see, I was driving responsibly with my eyes on the road, when a dog jumped out." "I saved his life by swerving." "He made eye contact as he ran away." "No words exchanged, he wasn't a talking dog, but in that moment, I knew he thought me a hero." "Well, come on." "With a head trauma like this, you should get right into bed." "It's like they say," ""Starve a fever, sleep a concussion."" "(groans) How'd you sleep?" "Ugh, lousy." "Do I have tank head?" "Did you guys spend the night on the couch?" "Uh... yes." "We are, um... trying to set the world record for longest continuous couch-sitting in Smith household history." "(whispering):" "Good one, Klaus." "(doorbell rings)" "Mr. Smith, my name is Heinrich Brown." "Okay!" "I'm from your insurance company and I'm here to review the details of your accident." "(dramatic music stinger plays)" "Anyway, I was hoping to talk to you about exactly how your accident went down." "Of course!" "Of cour-- of course." "Come in." "Come in." "Hope you like nothin', 'cause that's what I got to hide." "(nervous laugh) Hey, do you mind if we meet in the kitchen?" "My-my fish, and this, uh... little girl are trying to set a couch-sitting record." "(Southern accent):" "You don't remember me?" "I'm Jean-Louise Finch." "You brought us some molasses one foggy morning, remember?" "So... yeah, let's-let's go to the kitchen." "(gulping)" "Thank you once more for this delicious... glass of milk." "Now, Mr. Smith, before I start, I want to remind you that insurance fraud is a felony, punishable by serious jail time." "(gulps nervously)" "Your sworn statement says you swerved because a dog jumped in front of your car?" "Are you sure that's what caused the accident?" "Why wouldn't he be sure?" "I don't know, Mrs. Smith." "It's not my job to know what caused the accident." "It's my job to find out." "And then, after that... to know." "He keeps drinking, but there's always the same amount of milk!" "Thank you again, Mr. and Mrs. Smith." "I will return this glass when I am done with my milk." "Oh, don't return it, just put it down when you're done." "If I was meant to have it, it'll find its way back to me." "And Mr. Smith, please know that if you are hiding anything, anything at all, I will sniff it out." "It's an ability of mine." "For instance..." "(sniffs) your fish and that Southern tomboy are hiding a wine stain on your couch." "What?" "!" "Is that true?" "!" "It was Klaus, he spilled the wine!" "He said if I told you, AI'd be next!" "(gasps)" "(a hard hip hop beat begins)" "¶ Hey, yo, insurance is not a game ¶" "¶ You know what I'm saying?" "(barks)" "¶ I'm a dog." "Here we go" "¶ Radio edit" "¶ Yo, let's do this" "¶ Hey, yo, if you commit fraud" "¶ You gon' be paying to God" "¶ If you fake your wreck" "¶ We gon' break your neck" "¶ Cover your tracks well" "¶ I'll use my sense to smell" "¶ And all of a sudden" "¶ Your permanent hotel is goin' be jail ¶" "¶ I'm a fraud sniffing' dog" "¶ Make you squeal like a hog" "¶ If I see fraudulence" "¶ I pull a de-liverence" "¶ And when I find out" "¶ You'll lose that safe driver discount!" "¶" "(echoing):" "¶ Discount, discount, discount" "(gunshot sound effect) -¶ Yo" "¶ Earthquakes are not covered" "¶ Under the home insurance plan, bitch ¶" "¶ Yo, we do not cover acts of God ¶" "¶ I am an act of God ¶" "¶ Yo, you just remember" "¶ You want fire coverage" "¶ It's a separate policy" "¶ The zip code affects your premium ¶" "¶ Yo, I ain't a good neighbor" "¶ I banged your wife" "¶ And you ain't in good hands" "¶ Because I'll take your life." "(engine revving)" "(thunder crashing)" "I'll tell you what I told Verne Troyer:" "if the sidecar comes unattached, it's a separate vehicle and it's not covered." "Heinrich!" "Wh-What, wh-what are you doing here?" "Ah, Mr. Smith." "I was about to close your case, but one small, easily-answered question arose." "It-it... it did?" "Yes, you said a dog ran in front of your car." "But in this traffic camera photo, the only thing I see is a fox." "(dramatic music stinger plays)" "She's quite beautiful." "Did she happen to catch your eye?" "Oh, I don't..." "I don't pay attention to joggers when I'm driving." "No, th-they're like pedestrians to me." "I'm just gonna come out and say it:" "I think you were rubbernecking." "With the best." "But I unfortunately have no evidence." "So I'm gonna have to close your case." "(others sigh with relief)" "As long as I don't find anything at the routine inspection of your vehicle at the body shop." "Well, looks like we're in the clear." "He's not gonna find anything." "The only evidence is some pictures of that jogger in my phone." "Which I haven't even looked at since the accident because my phone's in my car." "(gasps)" "You brought him in here, you bastard!" "Rubbernecking is all I have!" "(whirring)" "Get down there and clean up your mess!" "'Twas beauty killed the beast." "Mr. Smith, how odd to see you here." "Uh, have you inspected the car?" "Everywhere but under the driver's seat." "I always save that..." "for dessert." "Nothing." "Mr. Smith, I'm a proud man but not too proud to admit when I'm beaten." "I'm very proud of that." "Good-bye forever, Mr. Smith." "(phone ringtone playing)" "(grunting)" "(gasps) My glass!" "Aw..." "Stan?" "I lied, Stan." "Klaus didn't spill the wine-- we both did." "I had to tell you 'cause it's the truth." "And if we ain't got no truth in this world, what do we have?" "Damn lies." "You're not Stan." "How'd you get Stan's phone?" "What else of Stan's do you have?" "Let's sell it all and split the dough." "We're in this together." "Don't you dare double-cross me!" "(chuckles) Just as I suspected." "Your crash was caused by rubbernecking." "Mr. Smith, you're under arrest for insurance fraud." "(gasps)" "(crashing)" "Oh, my God, what happened?" "(strained):" "I was checking out a hot chick in a news copter." "See?" "He told the truth." "And everyone's the better for it." "(weakly):" "I'd like to purchase... some life insurance." "Are you a smoker?" "Only when I drink." "(moans)" "(splat)" "Steve, why isn't your mother here?" "She's hurt, Dad." "She's so upset about your rubbernecking she's not even coming to your trial." "And I got to say, I don't blame her." "(slow, soulful R  B melody playing)" "It's time to wake up, Stan." "¶ It's time to stand up and be a man ¶" "¶ Be the husband that you told her you ¶" "¶ Were gonna be forever" "¶ Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today ¶" "¶ But I can't see what's wrong with you ¶" "¶ You got a wife, a hot one, too ¶" "¶ But if you keep on looking, you won't end up together ¶" "¶ Oh, my God" "¶ Is she not hot enough" "¶ For you, Dad?" "¶ I can't believe ¶" "¶ That you can't see ¶" "¶ Those lips, hips and face" "¶ Body's all over the place" "¶ Oh, yeah" "¶ Damn, that's my mama ¶ That's his mama ¶" "¶ Mmm, damn, if that wasn't my mama ¶" "¶ Stan, you know it's not fair" "¶ Why you looking at some other ho ¶" "¶ When she's got the milky breasts and silky hair ¶" "¶ Helen Keller, open your eyes" "¶ You got the perfect wife" "¶ The time inside her" "¶ Was the best damn nine months of my life ¶" "¶ Is she not hot enough" "¶ For you, Dad?" "¶ I can't believe ¶" "¶ Ooh, oh, my God, oh, my God ¶ That you can't see ¶" "¶ Now I'm thinking maybe she's" "¶ Just too hot" "¶ For someone" "¶ As blind as you..." "STAN:" "Steve!" "Seriously, this isn't a great place not to be wearing a shirt." "Let him sing!" "(slurping)" "JUDGE:" "All right." "Mr. Smith, you will be judged by a jury of your peers, who just happen to all be married women around your wife's age." "(groans loudly)" "Mr. Smith, this is a photo not of the dog you claimed to avoid but of an admittedly attractive jogger that you took at the time of your accident." "And here is a photo of your wife." "With a wife this attractive, why were you looking at another woman?" "Are you some kind of deviant?" "What?" "No." "Looking at other women is normal." "It's..." "LAWYER:" "Mr. Smith?" "You were saying?" "No, I-I-I don't, I don't think I was." "Come on, Mr. Smith." "Admit it." "You're a sex-crazed maniac, no better than a U.S. senator." "How dare you!" "I am a lot of things, but not a senator!" "Then why were you taking these photos?" "!" "Because I was rubbernecking!" "(women gasping)" "All men do it!" "(slurping) (gallery clamoring)" "Uh..." "I don't." "You're a dead man, Smith!" "You are gonna die!" "I don't know where or when, but each of us has to go in our own time!" "Is that even a threat?" "Order!" "Order!" "The gallery will refrain from shouting out existential truisms!" "Listen, I know I'm a judge and I'm supposed to make sure you get a fair trial, but everyone in here should be disgusted with you." "If my wife looked like yours, I'd never take my eyes off her." "Oh, you wouldn't, would you?" "Wait, Your Honor, can I ask the court for a quick recess?" "Didn't really wait for my answer..." "Steve, take this to your mother." "She doesn't want to hear it, Dad." "She won't have to hear it." "She'll have to read it." "Just make sure she does." "Eh, whatever." "20 minute recess." "Dick." "(man giggling)" "(bell rings)" "Oh... (gavel banging)" "Well, I forgot where we were, so I guess, Mr. Smith, you have the floor." "You're a bad judge." "Well, I'm not the one on trial, am I?" "Am I?" "Proceed." "(door creaks)" "Uh, Your Honor, I'd like to call to the stand..." "Francine Smith." "¶" "Busted!" "Rubbernecking!" "Rubbernecking!" "Rubberne..." "Rubbernecking!" "You were all rubbernecking!" "See?" "I told you!" "All men do it." "But that doesn't make us bad guys." "It's like I said in my note, Francine." "I may look at other women, but... it doesn't mean I love you any less." "My eyes may wander, but my heart always comes home." "Oh, Stan." "Well, to be completely honest, when I walked in here, it felt kind of good being looked at." "¶ Yo, fellas, so what my girl wants to wear a short skirt?" "¶" "¶ It be hot in Virginia" "¶ I'm gonna wear a skirt" "¶ Me, too, I want to be seen" "¶ You look like a prostitute but it's not obscene ¶" "¶ If I got the goods and my body's rocking ¶" "¶ Ain't nothing wrong with window-shopping ¶" "¶ I get looked at all the time ¶" "¶ Tons and tons and tons of times ¶" "¶ How much is normal to get looked at?" "¶" "¶ You can double that" "¶ That's how much I get looked at ¶" "¶ It's pretty annoying sometimes ¶" "¶ But you live with it when you're hecka good-looking ¶" "¶ See, rubbernecking just ain't no crime ¶" "¶ We're doing it just to pass the time ¶" "¶ We might look but you'll go home with only me ¶" "¶ My eyes may wander" "¶ But my heart comes home" "¶ Comes home, comes home ¶ ¶ My eyes may wander" "¶ But my heart comes home" "¶ Comes home, comes home ¶ ¶ If Francine wasn't my mama" "¶ Lord, you know I'd try to bone... ¶" "Come on, Steve." "¶ Lord, I've learned my lesson" "¶ Lord, we've learned our lesson ¶" "¶ Tonight!" "That was a lot of fun to sing." "But unfortunately, Mr. Smith, you're on trial for insurance fraud, which you definitely did." "I hereby sentence you to six years in prison." "ROGER:" "Lucky!" "(compressor whirring)" "(sprayer hissing)" "(clicking)" "We need a new couch!" "Captioned by MediaAccessGroupatWGBH  access.wgbh.org" "Bye!" "Have a beautiful time."