"Mm." "Is that the best you've got to say?" "Mm... ." "You can do better than that." "What do you want, a testimonial?" "That would be nice." "You know, I've been wanting to tell you something for months now." "What?" "You are the softest girl." "Ha." "Gee, thanks." "That's what every girl wants to hear." "No, I mean it." "You're not flabby or anything like that." "Just nice and soft." "You know what I mean." "Yes, I see what you mean." "Who is that?" "I'II be darned if I know." "But whoever it is, I don't want any." "Uh-oh." "Maybe I'd better... ." "Yeah." "I'II just be a minute." "Don't lose the place." "Oh... ." "Joe!" "charlie!" "well, I'II be." "How are you, Joe?" "How is EtheI?" "Whew." "Egads, it's good to see you, Joe." "How is everything in indianapolis?" "Hey, how about a drink?" "still martinis?" "Same drink, same wife." "You got it." "Why didn't you let a fellow know you were coming?" "Didn't you get my telegram?" "Nope." "No wire." "That's funny, I sent one." "Anyway, I'm staying with you." "Good." "welcome aboard, Joe." "Wow." "What a water hole." "Yeah." "This is a far cry from the tree houses you used to fall out of as a kid." "Do all theatrical agents in New York live like this?" "How much money you making anyhow?" "almost as much as I'm spending." "Hey, how is everything at the old plant?" "The Indiana pharmaceutical Company is keeping its head above water." "Good." "well, drink up, buddy boy." "Joe." "charlie." "I'm glad to see success has not changed you." "You still make a lousy martini." "Get out of there." "Hey, did I ask you?" "How is EtheI?" "ethel?" "She's okay." "How about charlie, my boy, how is he?" "well, I don't know." "Last week, we were thinking we shouldn't have named him after you." "Hmm?" "He fell out of a tree house." "Oh, my gosh." "Did he get hurt?" "No, fell on his sister." "Oh, my gosh." "It's all right, charlie." "It was a very low tree house." "Good." "What are you doing in New York, business?" "well, not really." "I've left EtheI." "You what?" "You left EtheI?" "But, Joe, you can't be serious." "hello." "You walked out on her?" "hello." "The mother of your children?" "The woman who gave you the best years of her life?" "Sweetie, I'm sorry to interrupt but it's almost 6." "It is?" "Oh, gee, that's a shame." "Oh, uh, Poppy Matson, Joe McCaII." "How do you do?" "How do you do?" "Thanks for dropping by." "You must be kidding." "I'II just tidy up a bit." "You don't have to do that, honey." "Don't you--?" "I'II take care of it." "I'II give you a bell soon." "Tomorrow?" "Not tomorrow." "You call me." "I will." "On the phone." "Phone." "Soon?" "Yes, very soon." "Bye." "Oh, charlie, did I tell you?" "My uncle caught the whitefish." "What?" "Don't you remember?" "You told me you loved whitefish." "He's sending one down." "Oh, yes, good, good." "I'II call when it arrives." "You do that." "And we'II have a wonderful dinner with Burgundy and candlelight..." "... anda damasktableclothand lemons." "Mm." "I can hardly wait." "Bye." "Bye." "Where the sam hill did she come from?" "Never mind." "Now, what's all this stuff about you leaving EtheI?" "ethel?" "Oh, I Ieft her." "That gorgeous girl, are there any more like that?" "Forget the gorgeous girl, Joe." "Let's settle down and discuss this thing." "Why did you leave EtheI?" "Oh, that was her suggestion." "It was nothing like you think." "really?" "What is it like, Joe?" "What's it like?" "Mm." "well, it's like this." "Last week, we celebrated our 1 1 th anniversary." "Oh, did you get my silver tray?" "We got seven silver trays, but thanks." "Oh." "After everyone had gone, ethel and I Iooked at each other..." "... andethelsaid, "Joe, I Iove you very, very much." "Why don't we take a vacation from each other?"" "So I said, "There's business in New York I couId take care of. "" "She said, "You do that." "See some shows, sponge off old charlie." "Then you come running back here..." "... andchaseme alloverthehouse  the way you used to. " So... ." "Doggone." "I told you that EtheI was a smart girl." "We'II drink to her." "charlie." "Joe." "EtheI." "EtheI." "Hi, honey." "Oh, hi, Jessica." "I'm a little busy right now, I" "That's all right." "I happened to be down at the Washington Market today..." "... andI ranrightsmackinto this  wonderful real Wisconsin CoIby..." "... andI knewyoulikeditbetter than any other cheese." "And so here it is." "I've got a friend at the market..." "... whoisgonnaalertmetheveryminute the first apples appear..." "... andI 'mkeepingyouinmind  for a whole bushel of... ." "well, how can you live in a place that looks like this?" "Jessica, this is Joe McCaII." "Jessica collins." "How do you do, Mr. McCaII?" "Miss collins." "Have you ever seen anyone keep a place in such disorder?" "well, I don't know what Mr. McCaII will think." "Now, you two go on about your business and don't you pay me no mind..." "... andI 'IIhavethisplace at Ieast looking tidy." "well, my goodness, here's a telegram and it hasn't even been opened yet." "Somebody may have died or something." "Now, what this place needs is a real thorough oId-fashioned house cleaning." "A lick and a promise won't do." "No, sir." "Thank you." "Now, have you seen those drapes?" "well, those drapes need a real thorough, oId-fashioned flogging..." "... andI 'mgonnado it ." "And that couch." "What have you been doing on that couch?" "Uh, I appreciate what you're doing, but not now." "Some other time." "You always say that." "No, really." "I'II call you soon." "well, don't forget now, hear?" "I hear." "Promise?" "I promise." "Goodbye now." "Goodbye, Mr. McCaII." "Mm." "Tiger." "Bye." "Bye." "Where am I?" "Where do all these tomatoes come from?" "Tomatoes?" "How dare you call these girls tomatoes?" "well... ." "For your information, Mr. McCaII, Poppy is an important editor at DoubIeday." "And Jessica happens to be the buyer..." "... forthelargestchain of women's stores in the South." "Tomatoes indeed." "charlie, I'd Iike to ask you something." "Hey, how about this?" "My friend is coming to spend a couple of weeks with me." "I gotta shave, I got a date." "Tomatoes or no tomatoes, tell me one thing." "How come you rate with girls like that?" "Because I'm big and strong and fat." "Don't think you'II beat my time the way you did all the others." "charlie..." "... you're35yearsold ." "You 'renot still brooding about the junior prom?" "You're darn right, I am." "Three hundred girls in a line." "And right at the head of the line is this lovely, sweet..." "... absolutedollof agirl smiling right at me." "AII I've got to do is take three simple paces forward and say:" ""May I have the pleasure of this dance?"" "Not me." "Way down at the end of the line, I spot this tall job..." "... thegoofyonewiththehoteyes." "And even from where I stand, I know this is trouble." "So, what do I do?" "Of course." "I cut my way through a half mile of organdy..." "... whileyoutake the three simple paces forward." "You get EtheI and I get slapped with a paternity suit." "At least they cleared you." "Why shouldn't they?" "I never even laid a glove on her." "That's what EtheI said." "From the beginning, ethel said, "charlie couldn't have done it." "That's right." "He hasn't got the know-how. "" "hello." "Oh, hi, honey." "No, I can't tonight." "No, not tomorrow night either." "No, no, no, the place is very clean, yeah." "Thanks for calling." "Yeah." "Okay, I'II get back to you." "Bye." "Boy, what have you got?" "It's not what I've got, Joe, it's what I haven't got." "A wife." "A wife?" "Mm-hm." "When I came to New York, I figured it wouId be like back home." "You know, meet a girl, take her to the movie..." "... sendhersomecandyandflowers, romance her a little bit." "well?" "Not the way it works in New York." "They got a kind of underground." "As soon as a bachelor sets foot in this town, the signals go out." "And even before you get your bag unpacked, you're up to there in dames." "Look, it's wonderful." "plain joker like me, I've got dames I haven't even called yet." "And it goes on like this all the time?" "AII the time." "And all you gotta be is a bachelor?" "Mm-hm." "pal, you really got it taped." "Mm-mm." "Not me." "It's New York, Joe." "City's teeming with dames." "To tell you the truth, every once in a while, I get bored." "Oh, I feel for you, pal." "You know what I mean." "Sure, it's fun, but let's face it." "You are the guy who's got it taped." "Me?" "Mm-hm." "I would be happy to trade this rat race for your setup in two seconds." "You come home in the evening, a pretty little house..." "... threekidsrundownthepath yelling, "Daddy. "" "You go inside and there's EtheI in a cute little apron..." "... throwsherarmsaroundyou,  gives you a big smack, says, "Joe--"" ""Joe, we gotta have waII-to-waII carpeting. "" "Oh, now, don't go knocking EtheI to me." "I'm not knocking her." "If it weren't for EtheI, we wouldn't have waII-to-waII carpeting today." "Can you imagine that?" "people would be able to see the floor around the edge of the rug." "And the kids don't run down the path to greet me..." "... whenI comehomeatnight." "They're too tired." "After a day of dancing lessons and fencing lessons..." "... eIocutionlessons, eurhythmic lessons." "Dramatic lessons, finger-painting lessons." "As a matter of fact, ethel isn't home either." "The dog is taking her to obedience school." "Oh, come on, Joe." "It can't always be like that." "No, no, it isn't always like that." "Sometimes at night after the kids are asleep..." "... it'sniceandquiet, just the two of us alone." "I start a fire in the fireplace..." "... EtheIgetsthegoodbrandyout..." "... wepushacoupleofchairstogether." "I squeeze her hand, she squeezes mine." ""Honey," I say." ""darling," she says." ""Don't you think it's time Peter had braces on his teeth?"" "One stinking kid left in the house without braces, she can't stand it." "I'm not even listening to you." "I can't believe that EtheI, little starry-eyed EtheI..." "... withthatangel'ssmileandthecutest  little figure in the entire middle West... ." "Is it still?" "Yup." "Now, don't tell me that doesn't please you anymore." "It delights me." "After all, married 1 1 years, I've never even looked at another woman." "Are you thinking of looking now?" "certainly not." "Why?" "well, when guys start telling me how many years they didn't..." "... Ifigurethey'reaboutreadytodo." "And no matter what you say, I bet you were plenty happy with your setup..." "... untilyoucameinhere  and saw what I had fallen into." "Maybe you're right, pal." "After all, 1 1 years." "Yeah, 1 1 wonderful years." "And don't forget that." "Oh-oh." "What's the matter, night shift coming on?" "No, no, she isn't just one of the girls." "This is something special." "What's she got, her own vacuum cleaner?" "No, this one hardly cleans up at all." "although she does straighten up a little." "I see." "What is it with her?" "Oh, she's really special." "You know she used to play with Stokowski?" "You mean, as children?" "How old is she anyway?" "Oh, shut up." "You'II see sylvia in a-- Ah." "Here we come now." "Which one of the gentlemen is sylvia?" "Oh, have you got a surprise coming." "sylvia, Mr. Joe McCaII." "Joe, Miss Crewes." "Honored, Miss Crewes." "Poor dear, she can hardly wait to get here." "I better hurry." "It doesn't take sylvia very long to get over here from NBC." "What did they do?" "Shoot her out of the cannon?" "hello." "hello." "He's in the kitchen." "I know." "Hey, hey." "Who is she?" "I'm sorry, I can't introduce you, Joe." "I forget her last name." "It's helen something-or-other, she... ." "I'II take good care of Joe." "Come on, baby." "Thank you." "You named the dog after me." "I'm touched." "She comes in and walks him twice a day." "One of these nights, I'm gonna have to take her to dinner." "That would be nice of you, sultan." "Good evening, Miss Crewes." "hello, George." "AII moved in, Mr. Loughran?" "Yes." "Yes, everything except the piano and a couple of end tables." "I got it." "Hi, baby." "This is a tuxedo?" "well, we were just unpacking a" "Bye." "This one is different." "She'II be back." "Did he tell you I'd be back?" "well, yes." "What's your name?" "McCaII." "Do you have a tuxedo, Mr. McCaII?" "Uh... ." "well,as amatteroffact,  I don't." "Go and change, boy." "Five minutes, so help me." "Can I fix you a drink, Mr. McCaII?" "please allow me." "well, I've never heard such gallantry in this apartment." "Scotch?" "Fine." "No tuxedo, hmm?" "tell me, have you got a blue suit?" "Yes, one right there on top, see?" "I see." "Water?" "please." "Oh, that's, uh, the wife and kids." "Oh, you're Joe McCaII." "I'm sylvia Crewes." "hello." "Thank you." "Uh... ." "Thatdressinggownthat charlie sent EtheI last Christmas, did it fit?" "You bought that?" "I didn't think charlie had that much taste." "Which one is Peter?" "The one without the braces." "Of course that was taken six months ago." "You know, charlie makes very good use of your family in his courtship." "I use the term loosely." "How do you mean?" "well, whenever he gets a little misty..." "... hestartstellingbig liesabouthow one day he'd Iike a nice little house..." "... anda nicelittlewife and nice little kids just like good old Joe." "Did it ever occur to you that he might not be lying?" "Mr. McCaII, if it hadn't occurred to me, I wouldn't be here." "Forty-five seconds." "I'II be right there." "You better be." "Oh, I saw you on television a little while ago." "Did you?" "well, that's very sweet of you..." "... consideringthatRangeRider was on the rival network." "I don't quite understand it." "You're a musician with an NBC Orchestra?" "How did you get together with tin-eared charlie?" "Oh, he's not such a tin ear." "I've been working on him, he's making fine progress." "charlie?" "Mm." "He just loves Peter and the Wolf." "Listen." "Ha-ha-ha." "See?" "That wasn't easy for him." "You know, charlie tells me that you go all the way back to fourth grade together." "Yeah, further than that." "Kindergarten." "Oh?" "What was he like then?" "Mm." "little." "Ha." "Ha-ha." "What did you do when you were a kid?" "Like when?" "Oh, 5 to 1 0." "played the fiddle." "Ten to 20?" "played the fiddle." "Twenty to" "Say it." "Twenty-eight?" "Thank you very much." "played the fiddle." "I guess I'II just keep on fiddling until I die or get married..." "... whichevercomesfirst." "And there you are." "My, but don't you look pretty." "I'd ask you to go with us but I don't want you." "I don't blame you." "If you get tired, that thing makes up into a bed." "If you can't sleep, there's some SeconaI in the medicine cabinet." "If you have trouble staying awake, there's some Benzedrine there." "If you can't make up your mind, take one of each." "Oh, if you get hungry, there's a nice new cheese in the refrigerator." "That's for getting ready so quick." "Who ever had it so good?" "Not me." "Don't wait up for me." "Bye." "Good night." "Oh." "Thank you." "hello, helen." "Uh, I'm sorry, I don't know your last name." "charlie forgot to introduce us, but I'm his best friend." "As a matter of fact, uh, he's named after me." "Joe McCaII's my name." "Um... ." "Hi, namesake." "In your bed, Joe." "What's your hurry?" "Let's have a drink." "No, thanks." "I have dinner on the stove." "Let it stay." "We'II go out for dinner." "No, thanks." "Oh, why not?" "Mr. McCaII, you're a married man." "Oh, charlie told you, huh?" "well, as a matter of fact, he didn't." "You mean, you could tell just by looking at me?" "Of course." "Good night." "I wouldn't know." "Is he any good?" "He can't be." "He's not one of our clients." "Thank you very much." "Who is next?" "A Miss GiIIis." "Miss GiIIis, please." "Watch this kid, charlie." "The office signed her last week." "SAYERS:" "AII right, Miss GiIIis." "Do you mind telling something about yourself?" "You know, your background, theatrical experience and so forth." "Don't be nervous, Miss GiIIis." "Oh, well, I'm not at all nervous." "My name is julie GiIIis and I was born right here in New York City." "I'm 22 years old." "That is, I was 21 and a half a week ago, Wednesday." "But as soon as I pass the haIf-way mark, I say I'm a year older." "I know most people wait until the Iast minute to tack on another year, but I... ." "well, maybe I am a little bit nervous." "You go right ahead, Miss GiIIis." "tell us anything you want to." "well, there isn't very much more to tell." "My only theatrical experience was this past June..." "... attheseniorclassplay  at Briarwood." "We did The Pirates of Penzance." "There was an agent there and he gave me something to sign..." "... andhereIam." "Are you still there?" "Ha." "We're still here, Miss GiIIis." "Now you, uh, sing or dance or just keep on talking." "I think I'd better sing." "I talk too much." "I think I better take my glasses off." "She looks too good with these on." "Steady, buster." "I think this kid's got something, Eddie." "Bring her to Bergie's." "I'd Iike to talk to her." "Okay." "You two won't mind, will you?" "Why should we mind?" "We'II be right there with you." "CiaveIIi?" "Hmm?" "How do you Iike that?" "They hired CiaveIIi as conductor of the Summer Symphony." "CiaveIIi?" "How do you Iike that?" "It's shocking." "I don't say he's a bad violinist, but conductor?" "Why, it's ridiculous." "The bum never hit .300 in his whole life." "Sucker for an inside curve." "He's good with the classics..." "... butwhataretheygonnado when they get past Brahms?" "probably have to put in a pinch hitter." "They wouldn't take a woman for the job." "Oh, no, of course not." "Makes it too tough in the locker room." "Very funny." "What did you two do for laughs before I came along?" "I'm sorry I asked." "julie, this is charlie Reader, our top talent man." "Miss GiIIis." "hello." "How do you do?" "Miss Crewes, Mr. McCaII." "sylvia and Joe." "hello." "Two of my friends who have no talent." "I'II be seeing you later." "Goodbye." "Bye." "Can I get you a drink?" "Just coffee." "We have plenty of that." "Sugar and cream?" "Yes, please." "I can only stay a few minutes." "I just wanted to tell you how impressed we were." "You were lovely." "wonderful." "I had a word with the producer, Sammy Sayers." "He says it looks as though you're about set for the part." "Oh, good." "Thank you." "This is your first professional show, isn't it?" "Yes." "Aren't you just a little bit excited about breaking through for the first time?" "Oh, the theater's all right, but only temporarily." "Are you thinking of taking up something else?" "well, yes." "Marriage, I hope." "Oh." "Did you have any particular young man in mind?" "well, there are any number of young men, but I haven't found mine yet." "well, a pretty young thing like you shouldn't have much trouble." "well, I certainly hope not." "I mean, a career is just fine but it's no substitute for marriage." "Don't you think so, Miss Crewes?" "Miss GiIIis, I think so." "passionately, I think so." "honestly, don't you think marriage is just the most important thing in the world?" "I mean, a woman isn't really a woman at all..." "... untilshe'sbeenmarried and had children." "And why?" "Because she's fulfilled." "Isn't that right?" "Right." "You agree?" "Of course I do." "What red-bIooded American boy doesn't?" "This red-bIooded American boy doesn't." "Why not?" "In order to be fulfilled, you have to have a man." "And it might be just possible that what fulfills you might not fulfill him." "My man, it will." "You have his specifications?" "well, yes, I know everything except his blood type." "Uh, tell us about him." "You mean it?" "Because this is something I couId talk about all day." "You're on, Miss GiIIis." "well, the first thing I want in a man, he's got to love children." "How many you think you'd Iike?" "Three." "That's the magic number." "But not right away." "The first two years, we're going to live in New York." "We'II be young and we'II wanna have lots of fun." "There's no better place to have fun than New York, is there?" "The children will come later." "But not in New York?" "No, we'II move to the country for that." "Oh, probably, the first baby will be born in New York." "At what hospital?" "At Doctor's... ." "Oh, you're kidding me." "Never mind him." "tell us some more." "We really are interested." "Fascinated." "Look, I know this sounds crazy if you don't know me..." "... butpeoplethatknowme think it's quite normal." "I'm sure they do, Miss GiIIis." "You have a house in the country and the baby and now what do you do?" "I have two more babies." "I didn't say a thing." "Yes?" "When the kids get out of ScarsdaIe public High SchooI" "Oh, ScarsdaIe?" "well, certainly." "Everyone knows they have the best school system in the country." "Of course, everybody knows that." "Now, Joe... ." "I mean it." "Everybody in indianapolis sends their kids to ScarsdaIe." "I've been kidded about this before but I do know what I want." "That's good." "Go on." "tell us more." "well, as I was saying, when the kids get out of high school and go to coIIege" "Miss GiIIis, don't you think you're just getting a little ahead of yourself?" "well, after all, a person just can't go on ad-Iibbing his way through life." "well, some do." "Some have to." "Sure, but that's because they made their plans too late." "I wish I knew the answer to that one." "Now that I've told you all of my girlish dreams... ." "Do you really have to go?" "I really have to." "Miss Crewes." "Goodbye." "I'II get you a taxi cab." "No, don't bother." "Mr. McCaII." "I couldn't think of letting the mother of three children..." "... walkouton thestreetsalone in the sinful old city of New York." "Goodbye." "Bye." "See you later." "Bye." "That is the most terrifying child I ever met in my Iife." "I'm a little shaky myself." "tell me, Miss GiIIis, what are your plans for the next 400 years?" "Oh, well, first I shall have some children." "Oh, and how do you intend to have them?" "The usual way." "No, I mean, in what order?" "Oh, well, first a boy, then a girl, then another boy..." "... andthenachocolatecream." "And, uh, what typical little American community do you intend to live in?" "Las Vegas." "Where else?" "And you know how it is with contracts." "It will be a week or two before we have anything for you." "How about you and I having dinner tomorrow night?" "Together?" "Of course." "Why?" "Why?" "well, I mean, for what reason?" "Does there have to be a reason for a male and female..." "... tositdown and break bread together?" "I mean, tomorrow night you'II probably be hungry and you'II want to eat." "But why with you?" "well, it's a simple question, isn't it?" "Yes." "I wish I had a simple answer." "I wish I had any answer." "well, I'II put it the other way around." "Tomorrow night you'II be hungry and wanna have dinner." "But why with me?" "Miss GiIIis, through the years..." "... I'vefoundthatsittingacross the table with a beautiful girl..." "... isnotonlypleasant but it's awfully good for my digestion." "well, I've only known you a few minutes but you seem fairly nice." "You're even attractive in an offbeat, beat-up sort of way." "Thanks a Iot." "But I can't have dinner with every nice attractive man I meet." "It's not part of my plan." "How is that plan again?" "My marriage plan." "When I meet somebody new..." "... andI don'tfeelanimmediate chemistry between us..." "... well,I 'mpolitebutthat'sall." "And you mean that you feel nothing chemical between you and me?" "exactly." "Thank you very much for the coffee." "You do understand why I can't have dinner with you?" "It's crystal clear, Miss GiIIis." "Good." "Good night." "About time you got here." "Were you kidding with what you told me?" "I was not." "There she sits." "You talk to her." "ethel Barrymore signed a contract like this." "helen Hayes, Sarah Bernhardt." "I'd Iike to have a minute with Miss GiIIis." "Sure, she's all yours." "hello, julie." "Are you gonna shout at me too, Mr. Reader?" "No, I'm not, julie." "I'm gonna be very quiet." "I wanna get right to the point." "You don't have to tell me how it's a tradition of the theater..." "... foreverybodyto sign a run-of-the-pIay contract." "Good." "Then we can skip that." "But do you think it's fair to Mr. Sayers and the investors..." "... thatyouquitfouranda halfmonths  after the show opens?" "I'm sorry." "If I postpone my marriage once, I may postpone it again." "I can't take the chance." "I'm afraid I can only sign a contract until March 1 2th." "What's so special about March 1 2th?" "well, that's when my mother and father were married." "On March 1 2th." "And in my plan, that's the absolute deadline." "It just doesn't make sense, julie." "Because the other day, you told me that you hadn't even met your young man yet." "Oh, but I will." "If you have a plan and you really believe in it..." "... it'IIwork." "Um... ." "Whydon'twegoto Bergie's and talk this over, huh?" "No, thanks, I've already had lunch." "We could have dinner tonight" "Mr. Reader, I've already explained to you how I feel about dinner with you." "julie..." "... thisisnotchemistry,it's business." "You promised me you wouldn't shout." "I've gotta get some air." "How did--?" "What happened?" "Get her to sign?" "Sam, the best thing to do is to sign her until March..." "... andmaybeIcan get her  to change her mind by then." "Where are you going?" "The nearest bar." "Wait, I'II go with you." "hello." "No, I'm sorry, he's not." "Yes." "Yes, I'II tell him." "Thank you." "hello." "No, I'm sorry, he isn't." "Miss Snr?" "would you spell that, please?" "S-N-R?" "Yes, Miss Snr, United Nations, Thursday night, curry dinner." "I shall tell him." "Bye." "Miss Snr?" "What kind of a name is that?" "Just give me the facts, ma'am." "Oh, hello, Jessica." "How are you?" "No, I'm sorry, he hasn't come in yet." "Oh, really?" "Yeah, I'II tell him as soon as he gets in." "Hi, Joe." "Hi, sheik." "What does Jessica want?" "What they all want." "To feed you, caress you, burp you." "Sew monograms on your stupid shirts." "Oh." "Did carol get thread for the monograms?" "Yes, she did." "Good girl." "And Jessica stumbled across a brand-new cheese." "S-N-R?" "Yeah, that's Miss Snr." "She wants you to come over Thursday evening and curry her." "You're a good boy, Joe." "Look for something extra special in your pay envelope, Saturday." "I hope you don't mind." "I tied up your phone for three minutes this afternoon..." "... witha personalcall." "ethel phoned." "Oh, how is she?" "well, she says she's restless and bored and she's going to carpet the bathroom." "You answer it." "I'm developing a cauliflower ear." "hello?" "Oh, hi, Sayers." "No." "I don't know where she is." "She didn't show for rehearsal at all?" "AII I can suggest is you better call the police station..." "... orthenearesthospital." "Maybe you ought to try the morgue." "Oh, I know it's no joke, Sayers." "You're sorry she came into your life?" "How about me?" "She wouldn't even have dinner with me." "Yeah, if I hear from her, I'II call you." "Bye." "GiIIis didn't show for the rehearsal." "What do you think of that?" "I try not to think of her and I'm succeeding." "And now NBC takes you to the Knightsbridge Armory..." "...and the American Home Show." "Before we show you the exciting innovations in homemaking  we will turn our cameras on the enthusiastic crowds  that have gathered here." "Hey, charlie, come here." "What's up?" "Look at that." "We come now to the feature of Homemaker's Haven  the kitchen of tomorrow, gadgetry that does away with drudgery." "Is this what you hustled me in for?" "Wait till they get the audience." "But if anyone has any questions, that's what I'm here for." "I have a question." "Excuse me." "Egads, it's GiIIis." "How big a family was this kitchen designed for?" "ANNOUNCER:" "Well, we've planned it for what the experts say  will be the average American family in a few years." "Husband, wife and three children." "Oh, that's perfect." "I gotta get there and get her down to rehearsal." "Why you?" "It's my responsibility." "I'm her agent." "Oh, come on now." "Don't give me that agent-responsibiIity bit." "The chick has you tied in knots because she won't have anything to do with you." "You don't know what you're talking about." "Stay away from this girl." "She's a trap with the trigger all set." "So what?" "Do you think I'd kick away a setup like this?" "I don't know." "Why don't you keep falling out of the tree house?" "I have not fallen out of a tree house in years." "Don't you worry about old charlie." "Ha." "That has a familiar ring." ""Don't worry about charlie. "" "Isn't that what you screamed as you fell over?" "That's funny." "Wait a minute." "You got a date with sylvia." "You're supposed to pick her up at NBC." "You're a college graduate." "You think of something." "No, Mr. wilson." "It just isn't" "May I point out again..." "... thatthishousewas plannedby the world's greatest modern architect" "well, I can't put my finger on it but I just know it... ." "Oh, hello, Mr. Reader." "What are you doing here?" "That's a funny thing." "I was just gonna ask you the same question." "Seems I have a childish idea that you were long overdue at rehearsal." "Oh, my goodness." "I just stopped in for a few minutes." "Oh, I must have been here for hours." "Oh, in that case, Iet's go." "Wait." "I wanna ask you one question, then we'II go." "Does the combination of this room and this furniture..." "... andMr.wilsoninthat chair do anything for you?" "I don't know." "Is it supposed to?" "well, yes." "You see, I Iove this style house and I Iove this décor..." "... butwhenaman sitsinthatchair,  it just doesn't seem to jell." "It sort of goes out of focus." "well, it isn't your fault, Mr. wilson." "Four other men were good enough to sit in that chair for me, but I... ." "You haven't any idea of what I'm talking about, have you?" "Have you?" "will you please get up and let Mr. Reader sit down?" "You're two hours late." "You'II understand." "believe me, sir." "blind obedience works out best." "What did I do?" "It's amazing." "The room seems so different now, all at once." "Do you see it, Mr. wilson?" "Okay, class is over." "Let's go, julie." "Mr. wilson, come and visit us sometime." "Yes, but the chair." "Thank you very much." "Amazing." "AII right, julie." "Amazing." "This way." "hello, sylvia." "Oh, Joe." "What brings you to this windswept corner?" "Anything to do with charlie not being here?" "Uh, well, as a matter of fact" "AII right, lad." "Let's have it." "well, it's just a matter of charlie getting a call from" "His draft board?" "No, no, no." "His boss called an emergency staff meeting and, uh... ." "would you care to look me in the eye, Mr. McCaII?" "Not particularly." "You know, I don't mind being lied to..." "... ifI feltthatalittlework went into the lie." "A little imagination." "It was charlie's idea that perhaps I couId fill in for him." "Uh, that is, if it's all right with you." "Let's have a look at you." "Pirouette slowly." "You'II do." "Then you're my date?" "I see no way out of it." "I'm your date." "You're, uh..." "... angrywithcharlieand me,  aren't you?" "No, I'm not." "really, I'm not." "Why not?" "You should be." "well, I have a high IQ and a Iow boiling point." "How would you Iike to buy me a malted milk..." "... anda tuna-fishsandwich at the corner drugstore?" "I'd be delighted." "And maybe we could have a drink someplace afterwards?" "Who knows?" "The night is young, we're middIe-aged, anything can happen." "shall we dance?" "AII right." "Not bad for a first try." "I liked it." "Had a Iot of schmaltz." "Thank you." "That's all." "That's all, everybody." "Tomorrow morning, 1 0:00 sharp." "including Miss GiIIis." "What did you think of it, Mr. Reader?" "You heard what the director said." "He said it had a Iot of schmaltz." "That's surface schmaItz, julie." "The worst kind." "You can't throw a song like that away." "It's gotta have more warmth." "Look, I'II show you what I mean." "You see what I mean?" "You just gotta let it settle a little bit." "Oh, gee, that was nice." "well, I'm starved." "Let's go to dinner." "Together?" "Of course, come on." "hello?" "Oh, hello, Poppy." "No, he hasn't come in yet." "Sure, I'II tell him." "I won't forget." "Bye." "Oh, hi, Joe." "Your entire harem called." "Good girls." "The last one was Poppy." "Her uncle's whitefish is in town." "Her uncle's what?" "Oh, yeah." "Yeah, I remember." "julie call?" "No." "well, she should be here any minute." "Fix you a drink, Joe?" "No, thank you." "Why do you have to romance that little girl?" "Oh, relax, will you, rover?" "In the first place, she's made of cast iron." "Second place, she's too young for you." "Third place, you've got more dames than you know what to do with." "And in the fourth place, you have got a little trouble yourself, boy." "I've been watching it develop." "The symptoms are classic." "Short temper, jangIed nerves..." "... andevenrudetoyour friends and your loved ones." "What you need, son, is a little female companionship." "Thank you very much, doctor." "It's nothing." "Now, Joe, don't sit around by yourself again tonight, will you?" "As a matter of fact, I'm not." "Aha." "You have a date." "Mm-hm." "Who is she?" "Anybody I know?" "Yes, sylvia." "Again?" "Again." "well, that's great, Joe." "Just great." "Did she call you?" "No, I called her." "Now, there's a switch." "Oh." "As a matter of fact, I'm on my way to pick her up now." "Forgive me for setting a precedent." "As a matter of another fact, I've got two dates with sylvia tonight." "One for dinner and one for after her concert." "Good night, sultan." "Hi, honey." "Hi, charlie." "Hey." "Oh, wait a minute." "You can do better than that." "Yes, I can." "hello, helen." "hello, charlie." "Uh, how did Joe behave today?" "Like an angel." "Like a" "will you please tell me who that girl is?" "Shh." "Be good, Joe." "So long, charlie." "See you tomorrow." "Yup." "Uh... ." "Yeah, so long, helen." "Ha." "Thanks a Iot." "well, just who is Miss Deadpan?" "Oh, uh... ." "She's a, um, professional dog walker." "Yeah, that's what she is." "She walks the dog every day." "I never heard of a professional dog walker." "And why does she have to be so attractive?" "I, uh... ." "Ha." "I never noticed that she was particularly attractive." "What's the matter, julie?" "Gee whiz, you came in here with a chip on your shoulder." "well... ." "well, I'm getting sick and tired of it." "well, charlie, I haven't complained before, but do you think I Iike it?" "Like what?" "Look, I know this is the atomic age and we're two civilized adults." "You made that clear." "But a girl still doesn't like to call for a man at his apartment..." "... ormeethimata bar." "especially when the whole evening has been planned without any consultation." "consultation?" "That's right." "Every date we've had has been all figured out by you." "You've never asked me once, not once, what I wanted to do." "Oh, well, honey, I'm sorry." "Honest, I'm sorry, baby." "You should have mentioned it to me." "Look, from here on in, there will be a change." "What do you wanna do tonight?" "well, I don't know." "We've got the whole town." "Just name something." "well, gee, I don't know." "What do you want?" "Oh, no." "Oh, no, not I. This is your evening." "Oh." "well... ." "Just take your time." "Just think about it." "Of course I couId... ." "I couId make a tiny suggestion." "Yes?" "well, there's a wonderful restaurant down on Bank Street..." "... wheretheyservethe world'sgreatest PaeIIa VaIenciana." "Yeah?" "After, we could go up the street a few blocks..." "... wherethere'saMexicanjoint I haven't been to in a Iong time." "They've got a crazy five-piece rumba band, the best you've ever danced to." "Then we could pad right across the street" "That is if you wanted to." "to a lovely little café where they serve up the best coffee..." "... andguitarmusicinthewhole city." "charlie?" "Mm?" "The next time I tell you I wanna plan an evening..." "... justdon'tlisten." "AII right, I won't." "Because you know more about how to please a lady..." "... thananyotherman  on the Eastern Seaboard." "Thank you." "And there's no other lady I would rather please." "Thank you." "Thank you." "If you'II give me a few seconds, I'II go in and change." "And we'II be on our way." "swell." "In the meantime, I'II just read your mail." "swell." "Uh, julie." "julie." "What's the matter?" "Nothing, you're just so cute, that's all." "Ha-ha-ha." "well, so are you." "I'm glad you think so." "We're going to a Spanish joint." "Why don't we tango through the door?" "I'm with you." "Ain't this joint the most?" "I think it's dull." "Oh." "We could traipse across the street to another joint." "No, thanks." "I've had enough entertainment for one evening." "I can't take you home now." "What would your mother say?" "I don't know." "Mom's in Boston visiting my aunt." "Oh?" "Is she gonna be there long?" "I don't think she'II be back till tomorrow night." "And your father?" "I guess he's at home, huh?" "Papa goes where Mama goes and Papa won't be home till Monday night." "well, you know, this joint is a little dull." "How could you suggest it anyway?" "Me?" "Watch it." "Stand back, buddy, here." "Move out." "Thank you." "Excuse me." "Bye." "I Iike this idea." "I don't know who I'm fonder of." "You or that aunt of yours up in Boston." "charlie, I think you'd better go." "Why?" "I'm a weII-brought-up girl." "That's a remark my parents would expect me to make." "Of course, you could prolong things by asking for a nightcap." "Miss GiIIis, may I have a slug of Scotch?" "certainly." "It'II take a minute." "Because Mom's a teetotaler and Pop hides the stuff in my hat boxes." "Is water all right?" "Yeah, fine." "Say, these the folks?" "Uh-huh." "Hmm." "They look evenly matched." "Except perhaps I think Mom may have 40 pounds on him." "I know what you're thinking." "Let me ask you something." "Here." "What?" "Has your dad got his hair?" "Oh, a wisp here and there." "AII right, we'II make a pact." "You won't get bald and I won't get fat." "I'II drink to that." "Now, what's on the agenda?" "Mm." "Let's neck." "A very sound idea." "Mm-mm." "Mm." "You know, I've been meaning to tell you something for days." "You are the softest girl." "Hmm." "tell me more." "I'd be delighted." "One second." "Why did you do that?" "well, because some words take on a different meaning..." "... inthedark." "Oh." "charlie." "Mm-hm?" "You're not talking, you're nibbling." "I'm afraid your idea of necking and my idea of necking are a little far apart." "So?" "So in the meantime, we'II just sit quietly and" "And what?" "And, uh... ." "And look at television." "Oh, goody." "And perhaps later we can go out in the kitchen and make some fudge." "Remember, this six-cylinder, four-door, white-walled dynathermic convertible, only 1 790." "Seventeen ninety?" "Was that a good year for cars?" "Oh, shh." "And now, back to our movie." "I'll see you again in a few minutes with another fantastic offer." "Oh... ." "Watching television wasn't such a good idea." "No, it's not a good idea at all." "I think we better forget about..." "... thatwholething." "Uh... ." "Are you interested in art?" "well, I couId pretend to be." "That's good." "Because Daddy bought me the loveliest book for Christmas." "It's just full of wonderful reproductions of Renaissance masterpieces." "This is more than I had hoped for." "Now, before you scoff, just take a look at some of these." "A Corot." "Isn't the detail amazing?" "Mm-hm." "MicheIangeIo's Jeremiah." "How are you, Meyer?" "Oh... ." "You'reimpossible." "Say, do you suppose her folks are out of town?" "honestly." "Bup, bup, bup." "hold it." "Just one second." "I wanna drink in all this amazing detail." "Oh... ." "Mm." "charlie." "julie." "julie." "No, no, charlie." "Oh, darling, there's no use trying to fight it." "Everything is conspiring against us." "Science and the arts and the animal kingdom." "You mustn't let them give you any ideas." "I swear to you, it's my own idea." "But they're the happiest married couple in the neighborhood." "They're entitled." "What did I say?" "I didn't say anything." "charlie." "How many girls are there in your life?" "What?" "I said, how many other girls are there in your life?" "Oh." "Ha." "carol..." "... andJayne..." "... andthat'saboutit." ""Poppy, Jessica, Miss Snr, helen. " What about them?" "Oh, well, they're second-stringers." "They practically never get in the game." "You're not funny." "How many are there?" "Now, baby, you know better than to ask that kind of a question." "well, I'm sorry." "This is a new game to me." "I don't know the rules." "julie, relax." "How many?" "Sweetie." "It's a beautiful night, and your folks are up in Boston..." "... andthere'snobodyinthewhole  wide world except you and me." "And tomorrow?" "Tomorrow, same thing." "We could go riding or" "And Monday?" "What do you want, a contract?" "No." "AII I want is a straight answer to a straight question." "How many other girls are there in your life?" "Four hundred and ninety-six." "There used to be 497." "until one of them started asking questions..." "... thatwerenoneofher darn business." "Thank you." "You are welcome." "well, why don't you cry now?" "Doesn't that come next?" "First, the silly questions and then the silly answers and then the tears." "Go on." "Do the whole bit." "You listen to me." "will you listen to me?" "Listen to me, God's-gift-to-women." "And listen good." "From now on, you're going to call for me at my house." "You're gonna ask me how I want to spend the evening." "You're gonna meet my folks and be polite to them." "And you're gonna bring me candy and flowers." "Candy?" "You're gonna drop every one..." "... ofthoseothergirls." "AII 496 of them." "Now, why would I wanna do a thing like that?" "Because I Iove you." "Because you" " What?" "That's right." "Because I Iove you." "Do you think that's such a wonderful thing?" "Being in love with you?" "I never wanted to." "I don't want to now." "You're selfish, you're arrogant, you're spoiled..." "... you'remuchtooold for me." "Now, see here" "Too old, I said." "Too old." "Too selfish, too arrogant, too spoiled." "Oh, Lord knows why I Iove you, but I do." "And that's why there's gonna be some changes made right now." "Now, listen." "You listen." "You're very big with your terrace and your fancy nightclubs..." "... andyourprofessionaldog walkers." "But let me tell you something." "You've got a Iot to Iearn about women." "Me?" "Yes, you." "And I'm gonna try to straighten you out if it's not too late." "I'm gonna try to make a man out of you." "Because that's what I want to marry, a man." "Marry?" "well, who asked you?" "well..." "... what'sthisallabout?" "If you don't intend to marry me, say so now." "Because that's what I want." "Not a terrace..." "... notPa-Ia-Iavalencia, whatever you call it." "Just a plain old marriage and a house and kids..." "... anda lifethatmakessome sense." "Are you all through now?" "Yes." "I take it, then, this is an ultimatum." "Yes." "And you want me to marry you." "But first you want me to reform and mend my ways." "Yes." "AII right." "Now let a selfish, spoiled, arrogant old man tell you a couple of things." "Before you propose to a man..." "... waituntilhe showsyou  at Ieast a little indication..." "... thathe'sinterested." "also, do not start by telling him he is a decrepit old Iouse." "So much for generalities." "Now let us get down to cases." "I have never said that I wanted to marry you..." "... noramImovedtodo so right now." "Assuming I did wanna get married..." "... Iknowagirlwhocomes aIotcloser to my idea..." "... ofbeingawifethan youdo." "Oh" "In fact, there are many, many girls." "Why... ." "This is my apartment." "You get out." "Oh" ""This is my apartment." "You get out. "" "Okay, what happened?" "If she thinks I will wait for her to call me and apologize to me..." "... she'ssadlymistaken,boy ." "You and Miss StonewaII Jackson have words?" "You're on your feet, it must have been a technical KO." "Oh, shut up." "Get that, will you?" "It's still the shank of the evening anyway." "Candy and flowers." "Any number of girls who will have me." "Just as I am too." "It's helen." "AII right, what happened?" "She" " helen?" "helen." "helen." "Oh, hello, charlie." "Uh, I just wanted to tell you..." "... howI appreciateyourwalkingJoe." "Oh, it's nothing." "I thought it wouId be nice if tonight you and I went out and had a big dinner." "Oh, I'm sorry, charlie." "I can't." "Oh, why not?" "well... ." "It's really Joey's fault." "What?" "well, two weeks ago last Monday..." "... Joeymetalovelypoodleonthe corner  of 57th and 2nd Avenue..." "... namedflorence." "florence has a lovely owner named Peter Carruthers." "well, as Joey got to know florence better, I got to know Pete better." "And, well, last night we decided to get married." "Married?" "When?" "Wednesday." "Wednesday?" "Oh, you can still go out with me tonight." "Oh, I'm sorry, charlie, I can't." "But I'II be eternally grateful to you and Joey." "Oh." "Of course, after Wednesday, you'II have to walk him by yourself." "Goodbye." "What's so funny?" "Do you realize this poor girl is gonna marry a poodle owner?" "poodle owners make terrible husbands." "You won't catch me sitting around here by myself tonight." "Not this kid." "No, sir." "Any number of girls... ." "Western Union?" "I'd Iike to send a telegram." "Saks Fifth Avenue." "New York." "When a man comes in and pays $ 1 5 for a tie..." "... isittoomuchtoexpect a stinking tie to tie?" "Fifteen dollars for this tie." "I used to buy a suit for $ 1 5." "Not you." "You're in no condition to answer anything." "Ah, I don't know why I don't wear bow ties anyway." "Oh, hi, Poppy." "Joe." "Poppy." "Poppy, you doll." "How did you know that the only person I wanted to see was beautiful you?" "Oh, darling, look out." "Oh, look out." "Oh, a present for me?" "You shouldn't have done it." "I had to." "Nonsense." "AII you had to do was bring your little old sweet self." "What the heck is it?" "charlie, you know how small my refrigerator is." "I can't freeze it in there." "well, look at your refrigerator." "Nine cubic feet and four pearl onions." "Oh." "Oh, this is your uncle's whitefish." "No, charlie, it's your whitefish." "Oh." "well, I'm delighted to have it." "well, you're a doll to bring it and I'II take very good care of it." "There's something I'd Iike to ask you, Poppy, uh... ." "Uh... ." "You are, are you not, the girl..." "... wholovesPaeIIaVaIenciana better than anything in the world?" "That's me." "I'm the girl." "And you are, are you not, the girl..." "... whoalwaysshouts"oIé" whenever you hear guitar music?" "I'm the girl who does it." "OIé." "Then you must be the girl who's going with me right now..." "... downtowntohearsomeSpanish music and eat some Spanish food, yes?" "No." "No?" "well, why not?" "Because I have a date with somebody else." "He's waiting downstairs." "Oh?" "Is he going to take you downtown to buy you espadriIIes..." "... andfeedyouPaeIIaVaIenciana?" "No, he is going to take me to Radio City Music hall..." "... andafterwards,if it 'snottoo late, Schrafft's." "What's your problem?" "Get rid of the square." "We'II go." "But he is going to call me tomorrow." "Oh?" "well, does that make him some sort of a hero?" "It's polite, charlie." "It's gentlemanly." "Are you calling me a louse?" "Oh, certainly not." "I wouldn't dream of calling you a louse." "A stinker?" "A stinker." "That's it." "Thanks a Iot." "well, then I guess it's goodbye." "Why?" "After what you just called me?" "A stinker?" "But, sweetie, I never thought you were anything else." "Now, you take good care of that whitefish." "Bye." "What are you doing tonight?" "What's so amusing?" "Retribution, charles." "Comeuppance." "You're being paid back." "For all the phone calls you promised to return and didn't." "For all the cheeses you didn't eat." "For all the girls you fondled and forgot." "You're being paid back." "And all in one day." "That's the beauty of it." "What's eating you, Joe?" "I'm your best friend and I tell you you're a louse." "You're one of the few really indecent men I ever met." "Go ahead." "Punch me in the nose." "Why should I?" "You'd punch back." "Besides, how indecent can I be if a girl like sylvia thinks... ." "sylvia." "You don't have to call sylvia." "She'II be here in a few minutes." "She's coming to pick me up." "She said it wouId be nostalgic." "Now, look, Joe." "I'm a pretty broad-minded fellow." "To put it mildly." "And I'm not stuffy or anything like that." "But I don't want you to see sylvia again." "Why not?" "Because you are a married man." "That's why." "And sylvia is a girl who" "well, she's got marriage on her mind." "Have you?" "Have you?" "No, but I'm in a position to." "You're not." "You've got a wife and three kids." "Now, you keep away from sylvia." "Listen, you jerk." "You want me to keep away from sylvia?" "Then do just one thing." "Marry her." "Marry her?" "Yes." "This is a lady." "A first-cIass, tripIe-distiIIed, A-number-one lady." "This isn't a trophy you hang in your game room." "This is a girl you marry." "Why don't you lay off me?" "AII married guys are alike." "Because you're hooked..." "... youwanteverybodyelsetobe hooked." "well, that's your problem, buster." "Oh, hello." "hello." "Look, I'm sorry." "I know we haven't met, it's just that I've seen you someplace." "well, it's this face of mine." "It's what everybody's wearing this season." "Ha-ha-ha." "Hi." "Hi." "What's the matter?" "Nothing." "Look." "I haven't known you long, but I know you well." "What is it?" "well, charlie and I have been at each other." "Oh?" "What about?" "About you." "really?" "I'm flattered." "He thinks I shouldn't go out with you." "This from a man who hasn't even called you in two weeks." "Oh, that's just charlie's way." "I don't get it." "Anything this guy does is okay with you." "Why do you let him shove you around?" "You're a beautiful woman, you're talented, you're intelligent..." "... you'reeverythingaman  dreams about." "Why do you stand for it?" "Oh, Joe." "Dear Joe." "How can I tell you?" "We come to this town from springfield and Des Moines..." "... andFortWorthand saltLake City ." "We're young, we're pretty and we're talented." "AII we have to do to get married is stay home." "But the boys back home don't have what we want." "We got our eyes on something else." "A career, glamour, excitement..." "... andthisis theplacetofindit." "So we come to New York and we do pretty well." "Not great, but pretty well." "We make a career." "We find the excitement and the glamour." "We go to first nights." "We buy little mink stoles." "Headwaiters call us by name." "It's fun, it's wonderful." "till one fine day we look around and we're 33 years old..." "... andwehaven'tgot aman." "Oh... ." "surely you can" "Mm-mm." "Joe, do you have any idea what's available to a woman of 33?" "Married men..." "... drunks." "Pretty boys looking for someone to support them." "Lunatics looking for their fifth divorce." "Quite a list, isn't it?" "So we set our cap for charlie." "He's eligible, he's attractive..." "... he'semployedandreasonablysane ." "But you don't love him, do you?" "How did the word love ever creep into this conversation?" "sylvia, there are worse things for a girl than not getting married." "Name three." "Honey, I can't let you throw yourself away." "Do you have any other ideas, Joe?" "sylvia." "So here we are." "salaam, sultan." "sylvia, darling." "What's the matter?" "I'm blind and I'm stupid." "Joe, you were absolutely right." "You've opened my eyes." "I know what I have to do." "charlie, what's wrong?" "Here you are, a first-cIass, A-number-one, tripIe-distiIIed lady." "What better thing in the world could happen to me?" "What better favor could I do for myself?" "Oh, what is it?" "sylvia." "Marry me." "well, you" "You will, won't you?" "I will." "Good." "That's settled." "Why are you crying?" "Don't be alarmed." "Just standard operational procedure." "Yes." "This is the smartest thing I've ever done." "And you darn well know it." "Mm-hm." "What kind of a happy occasion is this?" "She stands up there weeping bitter tears and you stand here grunting at me." "Where are all the shoes and rice and the Roman candles?" "charlie, I wanna wish you the best luck in the world." "well, you should." "This was your idea." "Are you all right?" "No more crying?" "If you think that was crying, wait till you catch me at the wedding." "Ha-ha." "Yeah, I may be doing a good deal of that myself." "well, this is a jolly occasion." "Yeah, there's much too much gloom here." "Let's get blind." "A little large, isn't it?" "Live a little bit." "How many times in your life do you get engaged?" "Uh-uh." "This isn't my party." "I'II pour my own." "Party." "That's what we need." "We'II have the wingdingiest party anybody ever saw." "Party?" "Yeah." "And we'II start by calling the Dunstocks." "wonderful people, the Dunstocks." "She happens to be a little stuffy, but he, uh" " well, I guess he is a little too." "hello, Harry, how are you, old pirate?" "This is charlie Reader." "Yeah, I know, but I've been busy." "Grab that wife of yours and slip her into something seductive and get over here." "Yup." "We're gonna have the biggest brawl you ever saw." "Oh?" "well, bring him along." "We'II feed him." "I don't care how many." "Eight?" "Bring them over." "Attaboy." "Bye." "well, we got a start." "You better get some more pearl onions." "Now, Iet me see." "Who else do we ask?" "How about Danny Fitzpatrick?" "Is he in or out of the clink?" "In." "Oh, that's a shame." "He plays great piano." "You haven't got a piano." "That wouldn't stop Danny." "We gotta get some musicians." "They're more fun than Earth people." "Ha-ha-ha." "sol Steiner?" "You're a genius." "One thing about sol is you know where to reach him." "And if he's not there, he's just not in town." "CurIey's Bar?" "Hey, is sol Steiner there?" "Yeah, I'II wait." "sol's taking the cure, he's trying to get back on liquor." "sol, old man, was machst du?" "How would you Iike to come up and have some free drinks?" "My place." "I'm getting engaged, that's why." "To sylvia, who else?" "Listen, can you get in touch with Eddie and Louise?" "I know they're with you, but can you get in touch with them?" "Yeah, bring them along." "What?" "Honey, Fitzpatrick is out." "There goes the lease." "Yeah, bring him along too." "Attaboy." "Bye." "What?" ""Who is this?" It's charlie Reader, you idiot." "Hurry up." "If I know CurIey's, everybody in the joint will make a left turn to follow sol here." "Give me a glass, will you, Joe?" "Hi, honey." "I just thought I'd bring you up this little old cheese." "I called you about it." "Oh." "Um... ." "Jessica, this is my fiancée." "Miss collins, Miss Crewes." "How do you do?" "Your what?" "My fiancée." "You mean you're engaged?" "Yes." "To be married?" "Yes." "A wedding present." "Thank you." "Uh... ." "We'regonnahaveawingding brawl tonight and you're invited." "Thank you, charlie." "But I got a date with the girls for dinner." "Won't you bring the girls with you?" "No." "We're all gonna have laughs and all get blind." "well, on second thought, yes." "Tiger." "Bye." "Bye." "Bye." "Friend of yours, honey?" "We better get some food as long as we're gonna have a party." "With 34 people coming for dinner?" "What for?" "I'II go get some things." "Yeah, that's it." "Go on up to the delicatessen." "Joe and I will get the bottles open." "Get some of the fancy stuff like caviar and sturgeon and turkey, and all that jazz." "And here." "will a dollar be enough?" "Ha-ha-ha." "I'II be back in about an hour." "I'II count the minutes." "Tiger." "Gosh, we'II never have enough stuff for all those hoods." "I better go get some." "You wanna go with me, Joe?" "No." "Okay, okay, Cupid." "I'II go myself." "Oh, I Iove you so." "Oh, I Iove you too." "I was just coming up to tell you I Iove you." "And I was just coming to tell you so too, darling." "Oh, baby, you were so right." "I need changing." "I need reforming." "No, no." "I Iike you just like you are, almost." "I'm the one who has to change." "Too stubborn, too headstrong, too" "And why is the meter still running?" "I have arrived at my destination." "Too willful, too unyielding." "From now on, we'II compromise." "Oh, charlie, darling." "Pay the driver and let's go upstairs." "We have so much to talk about." "AII right." "I will." "No, no, no." "You have an early rehearsal tomorrow morning." "And I'm exhausted and I'm going right up to flop right in bed..." "... andaren'tyou?" "And I'IIcall you the first thing in the morning." "But, charlie..." "Hmm?" "... IIoveyou." "Oh, I Iove you too." "Bye." "sleep tight." "Bye." "Go." "Hey, hey, charlie." "Oh, boy." "charlie, the bridegroom." "congratulations, Mr. Reader." "Understand you're engaged to a lovely girl." "Two lovely girls." "Two." "Whatever gave you the idea that Sue Dunstock was stuffy?" "I can't think of many girls who would let Danny Fitzpatrick..." "... givethemacrewhaircut." "Who was the girl in the Turkish shoes?" "Because I think I'm engaged to her." "sol Steiner." "Man, I thought you'd never get here." "You all right?" "Crazy, daddy-o." "Crazy party." "Crazy." "Where's sylvia?" "Home." "What do you mean, home?" "H-O-M-E." "Home, her place." "I don't dig." "She's engaged to charlie, ain't she?" "Yeah." "And she still goes home?" "Without cleaning up?" "Man, he must be crazy to let that chick go home." "And I don't mean crazy like cool." "I'm with you." "She is the most." "The end." "What band are you with?" "I'm with the Indiana pharmaceutical Company." "What's the matter, man?" "Lose your lip?" "You really let that sylvia go home?" "Oh, hello, sol." "Yeah." "well, you shouldn't have." "This is a real gone doll." "How did she ever get on that Beethoven kick?" "I don't know." "Haven't you got a rehearsal this morning?" "Oh, yeah." "Longine Symphonette, for that you gotta be on time." "They all got watches." "Want one for the road?" "Yeah, thanks." "Joe?" "I, uh... ." "There's something I have to tell you." "Yeah, well, I got something to tell you too." "hello, Joe." "Hi." "Uh, hi, julie." "What's wrong?" "I've been trying to get you on the phone." "Oh, have you?" "well, it hasn't rung, has it, Joe?" "Huh?" "No, no." "I called 20 times." "well, there must be something wrong with the phone." "Danny Fitzpatrick." "What's been going on here?" "Aren't you due at rehearsal now, dear?" "What went on here last night?" "Yeah, charlie, what went on here last night?" "Uh, not a thing." "Nothing." "WouIdn't you Iike a cup of coffee?" "would you?" "hello, darling." "Hi, sylvia." "Hey." "Ha-ha-ha." "well, how are you?" "Hi, Joe." "Hi." "What's the matter with your phone?" "I've been trying to call you." "Danny Fitzpatrick." "Oh." "Ha-ha." "I remember." "sylvia, you know julie, don't you?" "Oh, yes." "hello." "Honey" "What brings you here so early?" "Did you by chance find a diamond earring around here someplace this morning?" "And please say yes." "A diamond earring?" "Yeah." "No." "Oh, that's terrible." "Sue Dunstock is out of her mind." "She couldn't reach you this morning, so she started calling me at 7:00." "And Harry screaming at her the whole time:" ""It isn't enough you let that idiot shave your head?" "You had to let him steal your diamond earring too?" Ha-ha-ha." "Ha." "Must have been some party last night." "Oh... ." "Thegreatest." "I haven't played Run, Sheep, Run in years." "What was it, an occasion of some kind?" "Indeed it was." "What kind of an occasion?" "A happy occasion." "Yeah." "Hey, we better look for the earring." "What do you mean, a happy occasion?" "Oh, what is this, Miss GiIIis?" "A third degree?" "I have a right to know." "What right?" "The right of a fiancée." "charlie and I became engaged last night." "What?" "What?" "I can't seem to find the earring back here." "You see, my child, shortly after charlie proposed to you last night..." "... hethrewawhackingbigparty  to announce his engagement." "His engagement to sylvia, that is, not to you." "Perhaps he's planning on another party for your engagement later." "charlie." "Is that true?" "Yes." "It's true." "You were engaged?" "AII the time you were kissing me, telling me you loved me?" "You were engaged to somebody else?" "Yes." "No." "I mean, no." "I was and I wasn't." "Yes and no." "Was and wasn't." "Of all the contemptibIe-- You are the worst" "I never wanna see you again." "Oh, you're a terrible, terrible man." "julie." "I found your shoes." "Oh." "Where were they?" "In the icebox." "Oh, yeah... ." "This has been, all in all, a memorable day." "If my luck holds out, I should get hit by a truck on the way home." "I couldn't sleep a wink last night." "really?" "You know, I kept thinking that" "Oh, thinking... ." "well, I was struggling with myself." "Who won?" "Three things kept me up." "First, I couldn't let you marry charlie." "well, that's taken care of." "Two?" "Remember when I told you you shouldn't marry charlie?" "You asked me if I had any other ideas?" "Yeah." "well, I have." "I Iove you, sylvia." "I think I Ioved you from the first moment I saw you." "I want you to marry me." "What was the third thing that kept you up?" "How to tell EtheI." "I've gotta write her a Iong letter." "WouIdn't it be more manly to tell her face to face?" "That would be too manly." "well, there's always the telephone." "Right now?" "What better time?" "Sunday." "Night rates apply all day." "Are you laughing at me?" "No." "Not at all." "AII right." "AII right." "I'II call her right now." "Oh... ." "Ha." "We forgot." "Danny Fitzpatrick cut it." "well, what about the drugstore on the corner?" "Nothing but phones." "And if you haven't enough quarters you can also reverse the charges." "well, yeah, but, uh" "What's the matter, Joe?" "You wanna marry me, but not enough to take that walk to the drugstore?" "No, it isn't that." "But a thing like this, right out of the blue... ." "I don't wanna shock EtheI." "You see..." "... EtheIthinksIIoveher." "But you do." "Joe, darling." "shall I tell you something?" "You think you love me because I'm so much like EtheI." "You, Iike EtheI?" "I want waII-to-waII carpeting and French provincial furniture..." "... anda housefullofkids , all with good straight teeth." "What did you think?" "Moonbeams?" "candlelight suppers?" "cloud number seven?" "Joe, you know what you've got?" "You've got the married man's dream." "You want a girl." "That's what you all want, a girl." "And that's what you can never have..." "... becausetheonlyway tohave agirl is not to marry her." "Because then she becomes a wife." "That's something entirely different." "No, sylvia, you would be different." "Joe." "Ask me one more question." "Ask me if I Iove you." "I Iike you, Joe." "I Iike you very much." "But I don't love you." "On behalf of the visiting fireman from Indiana, I thank you." "She slammed the taxi door on my hand." "well, I guess it's your turn now, sylvia." "charlie." "There are some girls who might say..." "... thatourswasnot the most romantic engagement on record." "There are some girls who might even say..." "... thatourentirecourtship left something to be desired." "As a matter of fact, I am one of those girls." "What can I say, sylvia?" "To say I'm sorry would just merely be adding insult to injury." "So, what can I say?" "That I'm the heel of all time?" "well, it might make you happy to know..." "... that,rightnow, I'm the unhappiest heel of all time." "I know you are, charlie." "And I'm sorry, not happy." "You're probably the most wonderful woman on this earth..." "... oranyotherearth." "I agree." "It's just my tough luck that I didn't fall in love with you and marry you..." "... andletyoumakemehappy ." "I had to fall in love with julie." "I Iove her." "She's nuts, but I Iove her." "Then don't you settle for anyone but julie." "Don't you be satisfied with second best." "I know one thing." "There will be no second best for me anymore." "I'm gonna find me an honest-to-goodness guy..." "... who'slooking for an honest-to-goodness girl." "Somewhere in this great city, there must be one." "Oh." "Thank you for a lovely engagement." "I'm sorry to bust in, but I think this belongs to you." "Someone threw it up to my terrace last night." "Look, whoever you are, I've got enough trouble." "I'm not angry." "I'd Iike to suggest that the next time you throw a party, invite me." "I Iove brawIs." "hello." "well, you boys won't have to go out to dinner tonight." "Bye, charlie." "So long, fireman." "So long, sylvia." "Thanks." "Where the blazes were you 1 2 years ago?" "Excuse me." "Oh." "I guess you can't expect too much service on Sunday." "Don't you play on NBC?" "Oh, yes." "That's where I remember you from." "Oh?" "I never miss a telecast." "You mean you recognize me from the telecasts?" "Uh-huh." "violin section." "But they only cut to us maybe three or four times during a program." "You forget you're the only woman in the section." "Oh." "And a most decorative one too, if I may say so." "Thank you." "I see no reason why you shouldn't." "tell me, the next concert is on Wednesday, isn't it?" "Yes." "I think this time I'II buy a ticket." "Uh, do you know the question about bearded people?" "I mean, do they sleep with it under or over the covers?" "well, I've often wondered about musicians." "Oh." "Uh, do they eat before or after a concert?" "Because I was wondering if, after the concert on Wednesday... ." "Where you going?" "Home." "indianapolis." "Gateway to the West." "Leave me here alone?" "alone?" "In the morning, your phone will be fixed." "And by sunset, you'II be knee-deep..." "... inwhitefish and rare Wisconsin cheeses." "I don't want whitefish." "I don't want rare Wisconsin cheeses." "Nor do I want Poppy or Jessica or Miss Snr." "I just want julie." "Do you know my idea of heaven now?" "What?" "To be so much in love with a girl, have her love you so much..." "... thatyouwouldn'tthinkoftaking a vacation from each other for 1 1 years." "eleven years." "I've got a dog in there who's got the straightest teeth." "It doesn't need any wiring." "They don't even need brushing." "would you swap that for your kids, Joe?" "No, not unless you threw in Fort Knox or something." "well, you know what I mean." "I'm sorry, charlie." "well." "I better rush if I'm gonna catch the 3:00." "Can't you at Ieast stay and have dinner with me?" "I'd Iike to." "But that wouldn't get me in till 1 :00." "I don't want EtheI driving out to the airport at that hour." "She wouldn't have to." "You could take a cab." "Yeah, but she likes picking me up." "Come to think of it, I Iike being picked up." "Yeah, I guess you better make the 3:00." "So long, sport." "Thanks for everything." "Goodbye, Joe." "Give my love to the family." "Okay." "You write, now." "You hear?" "How long do you figure it will be till I see you again, Joe?" "Oh, about 1 1 years." "So long, pal." "Forgot EtheI and the kids." "Pierre hotel." "Quick as you can." "I'm late for a wedding." "Okay." "Drop this luggage at 600 East 57th Street, will you?" "I now pronounce you man and wife." "Oh." "julie." "will you marry me?" "Why?" "Oh... ." "Because I Iove you." "Oh?" "Yes, I Iove you." "And" "well, tomorrow you could pick me up at the apartment" "I couId what?" "We could go to the license bureau." "Uh, that is, I mean..." "... I'IIpickyouupandwecouldgo to the license bureau..." "... andbemarried and then have a baby..." "... andhaveanotherbaby in the country and" "Oh, julie."