"Aah!" "Alex." "Paul." "So, are there any rules?" " Rules?" " Ground rules." "Anything I should know before we start?" "Oh -- not really." "It's more or less, uh -- it's more or less up to you." "Oh, right, right." "I'm a customer." "Yeah." "Though, in my profession, we say that the customer is always wrong." "That's a... that's a therapist joke." "S01E02:" "Alex, Week One" "So, do you recognize me?" "No." "I'm sorry, should, uh... should I?" "Well, I was told you're the best." "A man in tune with everything around him, so, yes, I guess you should." "Thank you, but I, I, I do think that in this profession, the..." ""the best" is really a matter of... personal opinion." "I don't know, the best can be established by facts -- and figures." "You're the best." "I did my research." "A couple former patients, someone else who knew you from graduate school." "Does that pressure you?" "Is it important for you to know that..." "I am... the best?" "Yes." "It's nothing personal." "I always go to the best." "Dentists, mechanics." "You know what they say:" ""Save now, pay later."" "So what do you think, being..." ""the best" therapist entails?" "Do you recognize me?" "No, I..." "I..." "I don't." "Okay, let me help you." ""The Madrasah Murderer."" "Does that mean anything to you?" "No." "Wasn't that long ago." "A US Navy aircraft hit a target on the outskirts of Baghdad." "Naval intelligence identified the structure as an insurgent safe house." "A bunker." "Turns out it's a madrasah." "Let me tell you what that is." "It's an Islamic religion school." "Boys like bees in a beehive, studying the Koran." "16 of them -- dead." " Rings a bell?" " Yes, I remember that, yes." "So, that's me." "I flew that mission." ""The Madrasah Murderer."" "So, uh, do you, you surf the Net?" "Well, somehow..." "Well, it wasn't really somehow." "Let's call a spade a spade." "A leak... probably another intelligence fuckup." "Anyway, I..." "I was identified as the pilot in that mission, and my photo is placed on fundamentalist websites." "And I'm not talking Al Jazeera, I'm talking websites that... asking for my head on a platter, offering up the heavens and the 40 virgins to anyone who will slit my throat from ear to ear." "Here, um..." "Here I am." "Now, it's not a recent photo." "It's a photo taken when I was 18, on a high school trip to..." "Europe..." "Holland." "That city with the miniatures?" "Ultre..." "Utrecht." " Utrecht." " Go ahead." "So while I'm sitting here talking to you, a million fanatics are downloading my portrait and printing it out as a dartboard." "Silly motherfuckers." "So, why have you come to see me?" "Whoa whoa whoa whoa, we'll get to that." "Now, so you're probably thinking..." ""What's it like?"" "He flew his mission, and he flew back." "And he saw the bodies of those children on CNN." "You're probably trying to figure out, "What went through his head?"" "Let me tell you." "After that kind of mission, I don't watch CNN." "I go to sleep." "I'm dead tired." "You're probably dying to ask how I can sleep nights." "Okay." "Um..." " How do you sleep?" " I sleep very well, thank you very much." "Knowing it was "mission accomplished"." "And with great precision, let me tell you." "See, I followed my orders, which were:" "hit my target, and hit it on time." "Time and target." "Do -- do you know we have to hit our targets within two seconds of the estimated time?" "It's surgical." "That's -- that's one small window, and I have never missed it." "If I had, if I had failed that task," "I'd be in trouble with my superiors, with my conscience... and with the system." "But I hit my target." "So I sleep like a baby." "How many... children... died in this, uh, in this mission?" "The media puts it at sixteen." " And the Air Force?" " The Navy, doctor." "Listen." "The Navy says nothing, and why should it?" "It's not in the business of body counts, it's about hitting our targets." "We don't look back over our shoulder, believe me." "We're out there doing our thing, so you can sit here in peace, talking to people for a living." "So, when did you hear the children had been killed?" "The following afternoon." "I heard it on the Internet." "And what exactly did you hear?" "Anything specifically that you... remember?" "Like what?" "It's not like there's time in the day to be surfing the Net." "This was a moment." "I got away." "There's a lot of stuff to keep me busy." "What kind of stuff?" "Mission review." "Aerial photos, videos." "Just data, stuff." "Preparation versus execution." "Every tiny technical aspect of our flight is recorded and analyzed by the man." "There's nowhere to hide." "And that's the way it should be." "It's just stuff and more stuff." "It's -- it's like when my mother died." "My father had a year's worth of stuff to deal with." "Last will and testament, her office, garden, a lifetime of photo albums." "And every time I'd talk to him and ask how he was, expecting..." "You know, that... he'd break down..." "Finally." ""It never ends, Alex." "It never ends." "Your mother left such a mess." "She didn't know she was gonna die."" "And that's all he'd say." "After less than a year, he met another woman and got married, just like that." "So, how did that make you feel?" "I was surprised." "A whole life together and not a single tear." "It's interesting that you compare the death of your mother with this mission that you've just... flown." "That's very clever of you." "But there's no relation whatsoever." "My mother's death was the most traumatic event in my life so far." "That mission was just another mission for Alex." "There is no comparison." "Anyway, look, that's over." "And I'm back now." "I'm back at my home base, and now I'm on RR." "What kind of things do you do for RR?" "Don't try to get ahead of me." "I'm a runner." "I was a hell of a runner in high school and I'm still a pretty good one for an old man." "So I run." "With my fairy friend, this gay guy who could kick your ass at any sport." "And does he have a name, this friend?" " Daniel." " Daniel." "We've been running together for a long time, between 6 and 10 miles..." "Depending on whether one of us is on his period." "Only this time I challenged him a little." "There's no real good running in the Middle East." "Not for the US military, unless you want a roadside bomb to blow your balls off." "So I wanted to do some serious running." "I said, "Let's go for 15."" "Then after 15 miles, I said, "20."" "Now he didn't want it, but I said, "Okay, I'll go on my own."" "So he followed." "I said, "You know, only 6 more, it's a marathon." "Let's do it."" "He wanted to stop." "Little bitch." "But I wasn't gonna stop." "It was tough." "We were out of water, we were on fumes." "At 22 miles, I had a heart attack and died." "A textbook case..." "Straight out of med school..." "Enlargement of the left ventricle." "In accordance with the family history on both sides, fatal." "According to the EKG and according to statistics," "I had a 97.3% chance of dying, or 2.7% chance of living." "Anyway... dead." "You actually died?" "In the clinical sense." "No pulse, no brain activity." "Total clinical death." "But here I am." "And now I'm gonna disappoint you, doctor." "Don't you wanna know why I'm gonna disappoint you?" "Let me help you out." "The light, the tunnel, the "whole life flashing before my eyes", that's what you're interested in, right?" "No, I wasn't..." "I wasn't actually thinking of that at all." "But I am interested." "Please, tell me." "Hey, I couldn't give a shit about it either." "But that's all everyone wanted to know about." "My father, my wife..." "Just everyone." "They just wanted to hear about the goddamn tunnel." "Just -- such bullshit." "Do you -- you feel that maybe you... disappointed people by not having that experience?" "That maybe... in some way, you failed to deliver the goods?" "Nobody really knows what was going through my mind during those last few moments." "As soon as there was no more tunnel, no one was interested." "And what was going through your mind?" "Oh, I knew what was happening." "You can tell." "And you're afraid it's the end." "In all that time, until I lost consciousness..." "All that time..." "I don't know how long it was - maybe seconds, maybe half a minute - all that time, I kept trying to figure out if I had a hard-on." "See, I don't know how I remember this." "Something my grandmother told me when I was in high school." "And she said, when grandpa died, she found him lying naked in the bathtub with a huge erection." "Now he -- he was 92 years old." "She hadn't seen an erection like that in 20 years." "She liked it." "She said, that was "God's final gift to a man, a dead man's boner."" "They call it "angel lust."" "Anyway, so I'm." "I'm lying there and I'm thinking about that story." "I know what's happening to me, and I said to myself," ""God almighty, just... don't let me have an erection right now, not a hard-on."" "Because, if you had an erection, it would mean that..." "That would mean that I was dead." "And your friend Daniel was with you throughout this?" "Yeah, resuscitation, CPR..." "Daniel's a doctor, I forgot to say that." "For a minute, I thought you were going to say something else, that perhaps your fear of an erection was associated with the presence of... your friend, Daniel." "Excuse me?" "Don't you think you're exaggerating a little?" "I explained something simple:" "A dead man's erection." "What's that gotta do with Daniel?" "Maybe I didn't make myself clear, earlier on, when I was talking about the customer always being wrong." "What I, what I meant was that sometimes the patient hides things from his therapist, from himself." "And so part of our job is to uncover the things that we hide." "So, so my secret is, I'm afraid of homosexuals?" "No, not necessarily." "But I, I just wanted to clarify that." "Yeah, okay." "That's neither here nor there." "I wanna get to my point." "Go ahead." "I didn't have the erection, so you can relax." "But I tell " " I remember, I remember very vividly that moment, just before passing out... before losing consciousness." ""Losing consciousness"..." "That's a funny expression." "Why do you think that's a funny expression?" ""Losing" consciousness - it's an expression my father would use." "Everything in terms of profits and loss." "Fits him like a glove." "So something about... how you describe your last moments is equated with your father seeing things in terms of profit and loss?" " Is, is that..." " Okay, with all due respect," "I think we've come to this way too early." "All this stuff about the father-son relationship," "I don't think it should come up so soon." " You think it's too soon?" " No, forget what I feel." "I know it's too soon." " I wanna know what you think." " So you're..." " You're testing me?" " I'm entitled to some testing." "I'm paying for it." "Actually I think you've been testing me since you walked through the door." "You've asked about me and my reputation." "You ask, well, you practically demand that I ask you certain questions that you think I'm dying to ask." "It's really important to you, I think, that I adhere to certain standards that you set, before you walked through the door." "What's wrong with that?" "Look, I did my research." "It's a one-and-a-half-hour drive to get here, and I'm paying you good money." "And I'm expected to tell you, a perfect stranger, the most intimate things about my life." "Plus -- there are risks here." "It's not like the Navy's gonna give me a medal for spilling my guts in here." "I'm not gonna open up to you just like that without knowing what you are." "And what do you expect to find, Alex?" "How are we going to know that I'm a good enough therapist for you?" "I'll know..." "According to your opinion." "My opinion of what?" "Of the issue I came here to talk about." "But I'll come to that in a minute." "It has to do with what happened to me after taking me out of the freezer." "The freezer?" "Oh, you mean, you mean that you were grounded?" "No, literally frozen." "They froze me." "The mobile intensive care unit arrived and they put me in a suit that freezes you." "They've got one out of Presbyterian, which is, uh, no more than 3/4 of a mile from where I collapsed, and their E.R. is tops." "Let's, let's go back to this " "Yeah, we're getting there." "You, you have no patience." "I was told you were a good listener." "Now look..." "It works on a very simple principle." "It reduces the shock to the body's systems by dropping the body temperature." "Oh." "So how, how long were you " "In my case, 48 hours." "It's a record." "There's no history of anyone who's been in that suit for such a long period of time." "I guess I went a long way up that tunnel." "The tunnel that wasn't there." "No, unfortunately not." "So tell me what you remember about this 48 hours." "Mostly I remember, uh... a terrible fatigue." "I guess that's why they call it "dead tired."" "It's physical but, but mainly mental..." "Exhaustion." "And, and, I remember very clearly... the relief I felt... when I succeeded in coming back over into the world." "You say that you "succeeded"" "in coming back to this world." " Did you feel it was under your control?" " What are you trying to get at?" "I'm not trying to get at anything." "But what you're describing is a strong will to live." "I mean, during this experience, there was a decision to go on living." "Yeah, I guess you're right." "Yet, despite having made this effort to live, everybody's disappointed." "Listen, it's not every day people meet someone who's come back from the dead." "It's a one-in-a-million thing." "And if you don't supply the goods, then..." "Yeah, listen, I have never... spent a day in my life in a hospital." "You get it?" "Never." "So, perhaps your anger isn't directed at those people who were interested in the tunnel, but you're angry at yourself, Alex, how your body betrayed you." "I mean, this is a systems failure that was not supposed to happen to somebody like you." "Listen." "I have a brother who's not too bright." "He's a real estate agent." "Whatever." "Anyway, he's a great athlete." "And he once proved to me - and he does his research, believe me - that all the great quarterbacks in the history of football were also the best-looking." "Namath, Staubach, Cunningham..." "They're all really good-looking people." "The best-looking students in the class are often great athletes." "You know why that is?" "I have no idea." "Well, it's got nothing to do with sports, really." "When they got their gift from god, the father, or whoever the hell doles out the talent, they got the whole package:" "Beauty, talent, character." "That's how it is." "It's an evolutionary thing." "So -- how's your football?" "Football's not my game." "Running, of course, wrestling, pole vault once upon a time." "But now, I am part of a military elite." "Athletes may be popular but we are the crème de la crème." "See, what you have to understand, you're talking to a person here whose whole life was perfect." "People in my line of work are born to excel, to be perfect." "It wasn't our choice." "It was life that chose us to be the best." "And what does that mean, "Life chose us?"" "Yeah, you don't become a fighter pilot suddenly at age 20." "At age seven or eight, when you're in the third grade, you know you're talented." "You know you're headed somewhere special." "You are going to be the best." "And it all lays out, right in front of you..." "Top grades, varsity letters, you name it." "I'm a TOPGUN grad, you understand that?" "That training is not for pussies." "So, if you don't achieve your personal best..." "Are you disappointed in yourself?" "No, no, that's not..." " How much longer do we have?" " Uuh, we've got time." "I'll " " I'll tell you when it's -- when it's time." "Okay, so here's my point, finally." "I came here to get your advice on something." "Sure." "I decided to go there... to the target." "You understand what I'm talking about here?" "You mean, to the site where you dropped the bomb?" " To the school?" " Madrasah." "I wanna go back and wanna take a look around." "To the place where the children were killed?" "Correct." "And listen." "I know what you're thinking so let me straighten this out for you." "I don't have a guilty conscience." "I already told you that." "I sleep well at night." "Very well." "Why would you want to go back?" "I'm interested." "From the moment I came out of that freezer, I knew I wanted to go back." "And it came up in a conversation I had with Daniel when he came to visit me at the hospital." "He thinks, who knows," "I'm gonna freak out or something." "He thinks it's a crazy thing to do." "And he said, I need to see someone first." "Psychologist, psychiatrist." "Don't you think it's dangerous?" "Not at all." "I don't really think anyone will recognize me." "But your picture's on the Internet." "No way." "You saw the picture." "It's totally ridiculous." "My mother wouldn't recognize me from that picture." "Not even Michaela." "Who's Michaela?" "My wife." "And what does she think of all this?" "What's she got to do with it?" "Don't you talk things over with your wife?" "Listen, you know what?" "This is not for me." "All this "What do you feel?", "What do you think?"." "I asked you something." "I came to you to consult about something very clear and specific." "So you want me to tell you that this desire of yours to go back to where the bombing took place..." " is a good thing?" " Okay, yeah." "Yeah, yes." "Do you want me to take responsibility for this visit?" "Okay, do me a favor, don't make me into an idiot." "What are you trying to tell me - I'm not taking responsibility?" "No, I'm just going back to something that you said earlier on." "Remember you said that life chose you, to be a member of an elite?" "That it wasn't your decision?" "Maybe that's an attitude you're comfortable with." "You're comfortable with it because you don't have to make any decisions." "It relieves you of responsibility." "Your commanding officer, he makes the decisions, conveys them to you, and you execute them." "Wait, are you trying to tell me that I'm asking you to be my commanding officer?" "Okay, I'll buy it." "So, are you willing to... to be my CO?" "For $150 an hour?" "I don't think I'm..." "I don't think I'm qualified for that." "But would you agree to be your own commanding officer?" "Oh, listen, you know what, just, just leave it alone." "I can see, I'm not gonna get anything useful out of you." " And you're supposed to be the best?" " But I'm not the best, Alex." "Maybe you're the best, but I'm " " I'm not." "Think about the ramifications of what you're about to do." "You're going back to a place where you dropped a bomb." "16 children were killed." "Your face is on the Internet, and there's a price on your head." "So, wait, wait." "Now you're saying that you agree with Daniel, that I've gone crazy or something?" "How would you feel if I did agree with Daniel?" "How hard is a straight answer?" "I've got, I've got a plane to catch." "Why?" "Where, where are you going?" "Are you not listening to me?" "I am going back there." "Nonstop, D.C. to Frankfurt, then Frankfurt-Amman," "Thursday morning, by charter, to Baghdad." "You're leaving -- tonight?" "Good morning, doctor." "I'm going back as part of a church group, a charity." "I'm gonna be visiting those neighborhoods." "No, no, this is not part of Navy protocol." "Let me ask you something." "When you were running with Daniel..." "Was it 22 miles?" "How long did that take?" "I don't know, almost three hours." "Daniel wanted to quit." "He's always going on about... your optimum pulse during exercise" "And he thought we shouldn't go over 85%." "You know what I find interesting?" "That shortly after you complete this mission, you go on leave, and against the advice of your best friend, who also happens to be a medical doctor," "You work yourself up into a state of extreme exertion." "It's as if you were... avoiding going back to active duty." "No, I have no problem flying again." "In fact, I'm dying to get back into action." "Do you not see a connection between your collapse and what went before?" "No, I know you say you don't have any guilt feelings, but, don't you think there's a strong desire there to... atone for your... actions?" "Do they have any coffee around here?" "I could use a good cup of coffee." "Um, our time is up, I'm afraid." "I still got a couple of things I want to talk about." "I'm happy to see you again." "You know, I think it's important that you keep talking about all this." "Okay, I'll keep that in mind." "I better pay you now." "Who knows how this little trip will turn out?" "You're serious about traveling today?" "Oh, it's this way." " I'll write you an invoice for the " " Don't worry about it." "Ain't you gonna wish me luck?" "Yes." "Good luck, Alex."