"Horatio." "Emma." "What are you doing here?" "I couldn't bear to let you go without saying goodbye." "You shouldn't have come, Emma." "People will talk." "Let them talk." "I'm tired of hiding our love away." " I'm not ashamed of how I feel." " Neither am I." "But we both know we shouldn't be together." " Shouldn't?" "Who says we shouldn't?" " My conscience." "My conscience tells me everything I feel for you is wrong." "But my heart, my heart says..." "I can't live without you." " Promise me you'll return." " I promise." "Because if Napoleon doesn't kill me, then being away from you surely will." "Cut!" "Yeah, brilliant, thank you." " Could you see me?" " Yeah, definitely." "Excellent." "We'll get out before that fat little extra gets his face in." "Okay." "DIRECTOR:" "Rest the guys for 10 minutes." "That's correct." "Yeah, great." "We're moving on to 37." "Hey." "Who are we using for the girl by the carriage?" "We thought this one." "No, I said I needed some decent tits and they're... rubbish." "Well, I could maybe pad them up a bit." "Or just sort of, like, push them..." " You could use these." " Bingo." "Bingo these in half an hour after I've had a wee fiddle with them." " I just need to squeeze them." " Well, work on them over lunch, yeah?" "Because at the moment they're just, urgh, nothing." " Okay." " Good." "Would it be easier just to use these?" "We made a decision to use mine, so can we just go with these?" "If I just squeeze them..." "It would be less work." "You've got padding at the bottom of them." "Can I get some padding?" "MAGGIE:" "This cow's like, she's like sticking her tits in his face and I'm saying, "He said he wanted to use my tits." "Can we just go with my tits, please?"" "I think Meryl Streep went through a similar thing." " I know it's not important but..." " It is important." "I remember Laurence Olivier having a rant in Richard III because they wanted to use stunt testicles and he said," ""Listen, these gonads are going to be seen because they went to RADA." ""You either use the Lord Olivier plums or nothing at all."" "Next." "Ahh..." "And what do you recommend, my good man?" " Chicken's the warmest." " Is it?" "I'll have that, then." "Chicken." "Your heart's not in this, is it?" "Although one of your pubes is, I see." " Straight in there like that, no messing." " It's not a pube, it's a dog hair." "It's all right, it's not a pube, it's a dog hair, everyone." "I thought it was a pube." "It's not, it's just a dog hair." "If you do get a hair in there, he just gets it out with his big sausage fingers." " I don't know why I do this." " What?" "All this. "Oh, we'll cut before the fat bloke gets his face in shot."" "It's just absolutely demeaning." "I don't know why I put myself through it." " Because you're an actor." " This isn't acting." "Getting the back of your head or your arm in a shot." "And bloody Ross Kemp in every scene, he gets all the lines." "Do you know what I mean?" "Why is he the star and not me?" "There but for the grace of God go I. And it's just..." "What?" " It's not quite." " Well, it is." "It's not just luck, is it?" " Why not?" "We're about the same age..." " No, he's younger than you." " No, he's not." "We're about the same age." " Is he?" " Yeah." " He looks a lot younger than you." "You're having a laugh." "He hasn't got any hair." "He's meant to look like that." "He's shaved it all off." "It's like cool, it's like Vin Diesel." "Vin Diesel?" "Sorry, are we looking at the same bloke?" "Have another look, right." "Look at him there." "He looks more like Zippy from Rainbow." "(MIMICKING ZIPPY) Hello!" "Bungle, what are you doing in the Queen Vic, Bungle?" "Phil, why did you sleep with my wife?" "Look, look." "Vin Diesel hasn't got a perfectly round little head that opens and shuts like Pac-Man, look at it." " He's got less chins than you as well." " One chin, one chin each." " Yeah, but yours is growing another one." " Shut up." "In five years' time, he's still going to look pretty rugged" " and you're just going to look like a pelican." " A pelican?" "Good, nice one." " What you looking at?" " Nothing." "Well, obviously him." " Husband material?" " Could be." " What are you basing it on this time?" " Don't know but look at him." "He's all dashing and handsome in his green." "Why do men not dress like that nowadays?" "Because they'd get beaten up on the Tube." " All right?" " All right, Greg." " Indeed I am." " Good." "I'm actually working across the way, Studio H, the big one." "Doing a film with Mr Vinnie Jones." "So, actually, just learning a few lines I've got to do with him later." " Lines?" " Yes, indeed." "Well done." "So what's your part in this epic, then?" "The fourth seaman from the left or..." "Hardly." "You got something a bit more..." "Bit meatier, bit more substantial." "You got a speaking part or a..." "No?" "Not in this one, no." " Seriously, how do you survive?" " Don't worry about it, really." " Digging into the savings?" " Not really." "The pile diminishes, does it?" "Gotta get some work soon." " Gotta get some work soon." " Working all the time, mate." " Don't worry about it." " Sort of." "Are your parents still sending you money?" "Well, yeah." "Either that or I, you know, threaten to sign on." "And lo!" "The cheque doth cometh in the post." " It keeps the wolf from the door." " Good." "How is the door of the house your parents bought you, is that all right?" " Yes, it's fine." " Good." " Look, I've got lines to learn." " Thanks for coming over and sharing that." " Seriously, mate, something will crop up." " Don't worry about it." "Don't worry about it, mate." "Worry about yourself." " Stiff upper lip." " Yes." " And other clichés too numerous to mention." " Don't mention them then." " See you later, mate." " Cheers, mate." "Tosser." "Not you." "Excuse me." "Do you mind if I go in front of you, please?" " What?" " Can I go before you?" " Why?" " I've got a little bit of a stomach upset." "Oh, okay." " Hello." " Hi." "I think she wants to go in front of you, she's got diarrhoea." "Don't want it exploding everywhere." "Messy." "Thank you." "Saw you looking." "Thought I'd better get it out of the way." "Yeah, it is me." "Hi, I'm Andy." " How you doing?" " Oh!" " Sorry, did that hurt?" " No..." "Good." "I was worried I might have hurt you." "Don't know my own strength sometimes." "If I had meant to hurt you, you wouldn't have any ribs left so you got off lightly." " Let's leave it there." " Okay." "You know, I love playing military parts." "Well, as you know, I was in the SAS." "No." "I knew you did that TV show about the SAS." "Yeah, but how did I know how to do all that shit in it?" "I assumed you had consultants and stuff." "If that's what you believe, then that's what you believe." "All right, I wasn't in the SAS for six months and they didn't say," ""Ross, why don't you give up this acting lark?" ""We could really do with you in Afghanistan."" " Did they?" " Couldn't say." "All I know is, if I do get into a fight, I'd better have an escape route because I don't want to go to prison for murder, because that's what it would be." "Because my body is a lethal weapon." "And me in prison, face like this." "Pretty boy." "I'd be in the shower just lathering up, a couple of guys would come in wanting a bit of Kemp arse." "I'd see them in the mirror and..." "What I'm saying is, you'd best not get into a fight with me." "Sure." "Or a conversation." "What do you do when you're not doing this?" "What's your day job?" "I work in a pub." " What about you?" " I do this full time." "I'm an actor." " You do this full time?" " Yeah, yeah." "Like most actors, I act full time." "Yeah, but this isn't really acting, is it?" "I mean, this is extra work." "Well, no, supporting artist work, innit?" "But it's just, this is just pocket money." "I am actually an actor." "Right." "I was gonna say 'cause you can't really make a living from being an extra." "No." "No, but he used to have a proper job." "He used to..." "He owns his own house." "Doesn't have to pay a mortgage so he can afford to live on a pittance." "I don't live on a pittance, though, do I?" "People pay me to act so..." " Yeah, you say you're an actor." " Yeah, I do." " But what have you actually acted in?" " I've appeared..." "I mean proper acting, not walking in the background." "I mean, actually speaking." " I know." " Well?" " What, you want me to..." " Yeah." "Okay." " My Family, the Robert Lindsay sitcom." " Really?" "Yeah, it was just a thing, sort of a scene on the bus and the bus conductor come along and, "Tickets please," and I just went, "Yeah, sure, no problem."" " Did you?" " Yes." " That was the line?" " Yeah." "He comes along and goes, "Tickets please,"" "and I go, "Yeah, no problem." "Mate, there you go."" "So if I got that episode and watched it, that's what I'd see you say," " "Sure, no problem."" " Well, yeah." "(MUMBLES) "...there you go."" "Well, I didn't..." "What was that?" "What's the line?" " What's the problem?" " What is the line?" "The conductor wants the ticket, I'm showing him it." "And what do you say?" "He asks for my ticket." " Yeah." " And I go..." "I can't hear what you're saying." "No, let's do it like it is actually on the screen." "I'll be the bus driver, okay, and you just be you, all right?" "Tickets please, can I see your tickets please?" "I can't hear anything." "No one can hear anything." " It was years ago." " But that's not proper acting." " What is it, then?" " I can tell you what acting is." " I can tell you what I've acted in..." " Not interested." "I've acted in, and I'm talking proper speaking parts, in Emmerdale," " Silent Witness." " Silent Witness?" " Silent Witness." " Shh!" "I was a narc in The Bill, that was a recurring character, that was three episodes and really good lines of dialogue." "You haven't even been in The Bill, have you?" " I don't want to be in The Bill." " You haven't even been in The Bill?" "Listen, I don't want to be in The Bill." " Have you ever been in Casualty?" " Yeah." " The TV show Casualty?" " Well, no, but..." "No." "Right, this is the deal." "You've been my agent now for, what, five years?" "And you're not getting me any real acting work." " Nothing's coming in." " Nothing's coming in." "In five years?" "That's the problem." "I'm as annoyed as you are." "But I'm not sure there's a demand for, you know, little 45-year-old blokes." "43." "Whatever." "You know, I wonder, are you sure you want to be an actor?" "You've given it five years, nothing's come in." "Maybe it's time to just throw in the towel." "My agent, ladies and gentlemen." "My agent." " Look..." "Hello, mate, all right?" " Sorry to interrupt." " That's all right." "Do you know Barry?" " All right, Shaun." "How's it going?" "I'm working with a friend of yours at the moment, Ross Kemp." " How is he?" " Yeah, good." "I wouldn't mention Ross' name round here." "Ross is sort of mud with Barry because it was Ross that persuaded Barry to leave EastEnders." "Ross leaves, he goes to ITV." "He says it's a million pounds or nothing." "They give him a million pound contract." "So I go with Barry and say we want a million pounds or nothing, they chose nothing." "They went with the nothing option that time, didn't they?" "You were upset, weren't you?" "Depressed." "Couldn't get out of bed for two weeks." "I was livid and looking back, what I should have done is," "I shouldn't have given them the nothing option." "I should have said," ""We want a million pounds or we want £500,"" "and that way we'd have definitely got something." " £500?" " Exactly, this is it." " But live and learn, don't you?" " This isn't living though, is it?" "Don't start that again." "I've got loads of stuff for you." "Like what?" "There's a light flickering in the gents." "Could you have a tinker with that?" "Yeah, I could do that." "Could I use your computer later?" "I've just got to get the new CV knocked up." "Yeah, yeah, knock yourself out." " Well, see you." " All right, then." "Cheers, B." "Sorry, the reason I'm here is I want to know what your plan of action is." "What's your strategy?" "What is your business plan?" "My plan is when you get some work, then I can start making some money." "Because what I'm no good at is, you know, breaking an act." "So when I'm successful, you can deduct 12 and a half percent, no problem." "15 for adverts." "That's what I'm hanging on for, really." "You just want someone to call up and give me an advert." "That would be amazing, brilliant." "Right, okay." "Make sure the phone's on the hook, then." "You joke about it." "It was unplugged for two days." "No one noticed." "The man does not know where to start, okay?" "This is my CV that he's sending out to people." "I mean, casting agents, producers." "He typed it himself, okay." ""From 1986 to 1999 Andy Millman worked at the Natwest in Wokingham." ""Andy left this comfortable, adequately-paid job" ""to try and become an actor, despite his age, weight and looks." ""Andy claims to be a great actor but has not yet had the chance to prove it" ""because, so far, he's had no offers except extra work which, as you know," ""is pointless and badly paid." ""Acting is Andy's dream." "If you can make that dream come true," ""please, please call."" " I mean, it's like he's writing to Jim'll Fix It." " Oh, you have to fire him." "I can't fire him, can I?" "I can't bear to see his stupid little face." "He'd be devastated." " Yes, but it's your career." " I know." "What are you going to do?" "I mean, you'll have to find all your own work." "Yeah, having a dog and barking yourself springs to mind." "Start today, start now." "Go up to the director and ask him for a line." "Ross Kemp." "You've spoken to Ross Kemp, haven't you?" " Yes." " Go up to Ross Kemp and ask him for a line." "Just say to him, "I thought you were brilliant in EastEnders, Ultimate Force." "I loved you in Spandau Ballet." " What?" " Spandau Ballet." "He wasn't in Spandau Ballet." "That was Martin Kemp." "Martin Kemp was in EastEnders and Spandau Ballet." " Who's this one?" " Ross Kemp." " Are they not brothers?" " No." "Martin Kemp and Gary Kemp were the brothers." " Well, who's this one?" " Ross Kemp." " Who's his brother?" " I don't know if he's got a brother." "Yes, he does." "He's got that little bald one with the pink face that looks like him." "Phil Mitchell?" "His on screen brother." "Phil and Grant Mitchell, but they're not really brothers." "Yes, they are." "They're the Mitchell brothers." "What do you mean, the Mitchell brothers?" "You know his name is Ross Kemp." "What bit's confusing you?" "The brothers." "The brothers?" "What?" "Is that confusing you, too?" "Do you think we've landed in the future?" "Shut your face." "MAGGIE:" "You see, this is why I can never go and speak to that guy because I'm not smart enough for him." "He's an intellectual." "How do you know he's an intellectual?" "You've never even spoken to him." " Well, he reads the big papers." " Oh, the big papers, sure." "See, it's always the same, if a bloke is really smart," "I just always worry that I'm not clever enough for him." "He's going to want to talk about politics or whatever and I won't know what to say." "One time, I went out with this bloke and we were in the pub playing the quiz machine and it was for a fiver and the question came up "Who discovered America?"" "And I just panicked and I said, "Colombo."" "See, you're laughing because I'm stupid." "No, it's an easy mistake to make." "They sound the same." "That's what I thought." " You should just go and talk to him." " You think?" "Yeah, I don't know why you're so shy." "Just go and talk to him." "The FT." " Hi." " Oh, hi." "NASDAQ, you twat, what are you like?" " You play the markets, do you?" " Oh, yeah." "How's it going?" "Any tips?" "Buy high, buy low." "Buy low, sell high." " What you reading?" " It's Frank Kermode's book on Shakespeare." "It's for my new PhD." "Shakespeare, eh?" "Oh!" "Bloody genius, him." "Midsummer Night's Dream." "Bottom..." " Oh, how is your diarrhoea?" " Fine, it's good." " I'm going to get a coffee, I think." " I've got to go and call my broker anyway." "All right." "I was going to ask if you wanted to get one." "Definitely." "He's not there anyway, he's away on holiday." "All right." "Hiya." "They're making a film over there with Vinnie Jones." "What's he doing making a film?" "He's a bloody footballer." " Look at the size of those lights." " You reckon they're big lights?" "If I wanted big lights, I could have big lights." "I just don't want big lights." "I want small lights if anything." "I know an old colleague of yours actually, Shaun Williamson." " Shaun?" " Barry off EastEnders." " Oh, Barry, yeah." " Yeah." "We've got the same agent because I'm actually a real actor." "I'm just, well, not just an extra so if there was a line going in this with just a little bit of dialogue, it'd be great for me because, as I said, I'm a proper actor." "Yeah, I hope you're better than him." "I mean, he's a bloody footballer." "He's good at what he does, isn't he?" "The old "hard man" thing, I suppose." " Because he actually is in real life so..." " You reckon?" "You think he's a tough guy?" "I'd like to see him come at me with all that "I'm a hard bastard" stuff." "I'd say, "Put the baseball bat down, it's just you and me, skin on skin."" "Stripped to the waist, to the death." "I'm trained." "He starts with me, I will destroy him." "Okay." "Well, as I say, if you could put a word in, I could just do a line." "Yeah, I'll sort that out for you, no problem." "No problem." "Really?" "Cheers." "I'll see you later." "I tell you, if there's a hag, a washerwoman, toothless wench to be had, it'll be me." "I'm never the one that gets to wear the taffeta dress, it's not fair." " They've padded you up." " That's actually me." "I was going to ask, I hope it doesn't seem pushy, but would you like to go for a meal?" "Yeah, I'm starving." "Oh, not right now but I thought maybe later." "Yeah, no, absolutely, yeah." "Oh, I'd love to." " Good." " Okay, then." "What you doing here?" "Still scavenging the bins for food, are you?" "No need." "Bloody waiting on a scene I've got to do with Ross Kemp." "He asked me personally so..." "Good, though." "Yeah, well done." " Shame it's only telly but, you know..." " Not really." "It's something." "I mean, keep at it, you might make it into the films." "Yeah, but what I wouldn't do is do a film with Vinnie Jones, he's a footballer but that's all right." "You say he's a footballer but he's still been in films, hasn't he?" "You know, with John Travolta and Nicolas Cage." "What did he get paid for that, by the way?" "Because I was talking to Ross..." "You know Ross got a million pounds to go to ITV?" " Yeah." "Pretend to be a hard man." " Not really." " Unlike Vinnie." "Real life hard man." " Hmm." "Yeah." "On a serious note, Ross explained to me, you know, Ross was trained by the SAS and he said if Vinnie Jones tried his antics on with him, he'd rip him apart so you might want to warn him that." " He said that?" " Yeah." "I'm not stirring shit, just warning." "I don't want to see him get hurt." "I don't care about him, but I wouldn't want to see him get hurt." "I've said my bit so..." " I've got to go." "I'll see you later." " See you later, mate." "You've done so much." "Not really." "I'm probably a bit older than you." " How old are you?" " 34." "Well, I'm actually older than you but thank you very much." "Well, you don't look it." "I thought you were in your 20s." "You never, did you?" "Oh, God." "I'm not!" " Anything you fancy?" " Possibly." " I meant on the menu." " I know." " What have you been saying?" " About what?" "Why am I hearing that Vinnie Jones is looking for me and he wants to batter me?" "I haven't said anything." "How's he know I've been slagging him off?" "Who have you been speaking to?" "No one." "You're not scared of him, are you?" "No." "Not with what I could do to him." " With your SAS stuff and that." " Yeah." "I mean, do you know what that stands for?" "SAS?" "Special Air Service." "What?" "Special Air Service, isn't it?" " It doesn't stand for that." " Doesn't it?" "I've talked to actual SAS people, they've told me what it stands for." "What does it stand for, then?" "Super Army Soldiers." "Su..." "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I mean actual SAS people have told me that." "The actual guys themselves and they should know." " They weren't winding you up?" " They wouldn't do that to one of their own." "No." "I thought it was Special Air Services." "Special Air Services?" "I mean, that sounds like FedEx or something, doesn't it?" "Registered delivery or whatever." "Do you think a postman needs arms like these?" "Did I get these muscles lifting jiffy bags?" "Definitely not." "If Vinnie Jones comes near me looking for a fight, I will unleash hell." "Okay." " Well, that was fun." " Absolutely." " Do you want to come in for a cup of tea?" " I'd love to." "Okay." "Right, just go through." "You're sweet, you're hot chocolate." "Come on, love, you're like a dead horse." "Put a bit of minge around it." "Okay." " I head-butted a horse once." " He must have really annoyed you." "Kemp." "All right, Vinnie, how's it going?" "Never mind the "All right, Vinnie, how's it going" bollocks." "What you been saying?" " What are you talking about?" " What's all this I've been hearing?" " Shit about you think you're harder than me." " Where have you heard this?" "Some extra I've been doing a scene with said he heard it over here." "You been trying to impress the extras by telling them you're harder than me?" "I haven't said anything." "You think you're well hard, don't you?" "Are you hard?" "No." "No, you're not." "And if I hear you slag me off anymore," "I'll come over here and I'll show you what really hard is." " Do you know what really hard is?" " Beating me up and that." "Yeah." "Do you know what really hard is?" "Beating up and that." "Kick him in the bollocks." " No need to be specific." " All right." "This is the final warning." "Come on." " What?" " Nothing." "Why didn't you use your SAS stuff on him?" "Because I don't know any." "What, you don't know kung fu and all the lethal moves?" "No." "Why did you say you did?" "Why do I say I can hold my breath under water for three and a half minutes?" "I can't." "I panic in water, if anything." "I can't get you a line either, if that's why you're still here." " Really?" " I haven't got any power around here." "I've told people I've got a line and everything." "Sorry." "Don't worry about it." "Every job I do I get bullied." "Bullied?" "People calling me names and that." "If it doesn't stop soon, I think I'm just going to finish it, end it all." "Do what I thought I'd never do." "Suicide?" "No, go to Family Affairs." "I've had an offer." "There's no bullying at Family Affairs, they're really nice people." "Sure." "All I want to do is act." "And you're good." "Am I?" "Yeah, of course you are." "Put your hat on." "Look at that, looks brilliant." "Hair and everything." "Yes." "Look at all these." "Your medal." "Shiny, innit?" "(TEA FOR THE TILLERMAN BY CAT STEVENS)" "(PEOPLE SHOUTING AND SCREAMING)" " Why did you do that?" " It's called acting." "Why did you have to be quite so rough?" "Strange, that's what a bird said to me last night." "25 years old, absolutely gorgeous." "(WOMAN SCREAMING)" "We did it five times." "Nearly wore me out." "By the end of it..." "bollocks like a bulldog, I tell you." "(GUNSHOTS)" "Cut!" "That's good, print that, move to the next one." "Mike." "Richard, that's exactly what I was talking about with the smoke, thank you." "Right." "I want to go in tighter, all right." " Did you see me?" " It was brilliant." "You'll get more money for that." " Do I?" " It's a direction, yeah?" " Yes." " You get more money." " Excellent." " It's called supplementary performance fee." " Talk to the production manager." " Brilliant." " Am I going to sort everyone's life out?" " Here we go." "Talk to the production manager and you'll get a few extra quid." "God knows you could do with it." " These aren't my clothes." " You could have fooled me." "Hey, guys." "Guys, people, can we gather around, please?" "Guys." "This is Goran, this is the man whose story we're making." "Okay, he's the reason we're gathered here, to share his story with the world." "A lot of you might be thinking why am I making this movie." "Sure, you guys look at me as one of the world's most successful comedy actors." "What does that mean?" "I mean, yeah, I make Along Came Polly and it opens to $32 million." "One of the biggest Martin Luther King Junior birthday holiday opening weekends ever." "Goes on to gross 170 million worldwide." "Meet the Parents, double that." "But what does the money and the success mean in real terms?" "If I find a little orphan child in a war zone... hiding in a burnt out building, his parents murdered, persecuted for his race, his religion, what am I going to do?" "Pop on Dodgeball on DVD?" "It's a funny film." "Thanks and I can put on Dodgeball and he's going to laugh for an hour and 32 minutes." "You know, escape reality for a while, but what happens when the film finishes?" "Back to reality." "Still an orphan, still living with fear." "How do I help him, hm?" "Put on Dodgeball again?" "Sure he's going to laugh again, he'll see things he didn't see the first time, it's layered, it was made like that, but this can't go on indefinitely, all right?" "At a certain point, you know, after the fifth, sixth, seventh viewing, he's still laughing, but it's not getting to the root of the problem, okay?" "How do I help him?" "Make Dodgeball 2?" "Make this movie." "Make people think." "Change attitudes." "So, think on that while you're sipping on your frappuccinos." " And what are we doing?" "Mike?" " Let's have a break." "Break time, okay, good." "Thank you, thank you very much." "Thanks, everyone." "Back at quarter past, thank you." "BEN:" "And I want you to just be coming straight in, without..." "There shouldn't be a delay between when the grenade has gone off and when you guys come around." "Ben, is it possible, please, more smoke?" " Was there more smoke?" " Yes." "Okay, can I get more smoke, please!" " Thank you." " My pleasure." "All right, guys, now while we have the smoke, can you come around..." " Also..." "...charging right..." "Yeah." "The Coke, it's not cold." "Sorry, okay, just kill the smoke for a second." "What?" "My Coke is not cold." " Your Coke's not cold?" " No." " Okay, all right." "Mike?" " Yeah." "Can we get him a cold Coke?" "Okay?" "Make sure his Coke is always cold, okay." "Look at that, he gets anything he wants." "I know, but he's been through a lot, hasn't he?" "I know he's been through a lot, but they're making a film, he's not a competition winner." "That's where the real power lies here." " I think he's quite attractive actually." " Forget it, I know what you're thinking." "Never get involved with a man whose wife's been murdered." "That's awful." "Why?" "Well, for one, he's not going to be a barrel of laughs." "Two, you can't compete with her." "It's not like the marriage started going downhill and she was boozing and sleeping around, do you know what I mean?" "She was taken from him at the peak of their love." "She's gone out on a high, she's like Marilyn Monroe or Jimmy Dean," "Never get involved with a man whose wife's been murdered." "Rule one." "Choose someone else." "Well, who then?" "It's as easy as that, isn't it, to you?" "(KNOCKING ON DOOR)" "Yeah come in, just one second." "I think maybe I'm owed some money." "Some supplementary performance money or something, I think?" "Right, give me one second." "Hi." "Hi." "How can I help?" "Yes, the thing, the supplementary acting fee." "Right, I'll have to check with the first AD really." " Let me get your details up." " Okay." " What's your name?" " Maggie Jacobs." " Just take a seat, Maggie." " Thank you." "(MAGGIE SIGHING)" "I hope your wife doesn't catch me on your sofa." "Or your girlfriend." " I'm not married." " Or your girlfriend." "I haven't got a girlfriend." " Or I suppose your boyfriend." " I'm not gay." "I should be worried your husband catches you in here." "I'm not married and I don't have a boyfriend and I'm not a lesbian." "I'm all done, available." "(KNOCKING ON DOOR)" "Hello." "Erm, you get on well with Ben." "I wondered if you could sort of, like, have a word with him about me because I'm a proper actor, I'm an extra in this but I've done, you know... lines..." "You okay?" "Yeah." "What you got there?" "My wife, pictures of my wife." "I heard about that, yeah, sorry." " Memories." "Wonderful love." " Yeah." "This is her, very beautiful." "She is." "Our first holiday." "Here she is with my son, one year old." " Nice boy." " Nice no more." "Dead." "Dead boy." "My wife again." "Oh, I shouldn't look at that." "Was she sunbathing?" "No, she is dead." " Lying in the street." " Oh, I see now." " Dead." " Yeah, yes." " Why did you take..." " Why did I take photograph of her?" "To show the world what must be shown." "This is why I want film to be made by Ben Stiller." "Ben Stiller of Zoolander, sure." "You look." "Dead, naked." " Yeah." " You look." "I am, but I'm only looking at her dead naked face." "Where did you get these developed?" "My cousin." "I was going to say, it's not the sort of thing you pop into Boots with." "Boots?" "Oh, it's a chain of chemists, high street pharmacy." "They don't just do pharmacy now, they do everything." "They do gifts, sandwiches, weight watchers, smoothies, things like that." "We don't have Boots." "You missed a trick." "True Print give you a free film when you get something developed." "So you're a mug." "Anyway, if you could put a word in to Ben to get me a line... in this..." "I'll catch you later." "He's got photos and everything." " That's not going to help, is it?" " No." "What worries me is I can't push it, can't go up to him and remind him," ""Sorry to interrupt you again when you're thinking of your slaughtered loved ones" ""but that line, have you done anything about it?" Do you know what I mean?" "Might seem a wee bit insensitive, eh?" "Yeah, it could do." " Oh, be warned, Jackie Greer's on the prowl." " Why?" " She's having a birthday do." " Forget it, I'm not going." " I'm not going if you're not going." " Don't go, then." "No, but I can't not go because she's always really nice to me." " Well, have an excuse ready." " Like what?" "My standard is, "Oh, my sister's coming down to stay."" "I find out exactly when it is, though." "I go, "When is it?"" ""This Saturday." "This Saturday?" ""I can't, my sister's coming down."" "You're gutted, you'd loved to have gone but family..." "Oh, hello, you two." "I like your hair like that." "Isn't she beautiful?" "Now listen up, no excuses." "My birthday this week, I'm having birthday drinks." "I'm 21 again." "And I command you both to be there and I won't take no for an answer." "Okay." " My sister's..." " When is it?" " When is it?" " Friday, after we wrap." "It's only local." " This Friday?" " This Friday?" "Yeah, Friday." "Oh, no, I can't do this Friday, my sister is coming down." "Well, bring her along, I'd love to meet her." "Okay, I'll bring her along." " Well, you can't bring her along." " No." " You can't actually physically bring..." " Why?" "You haven't got a sister, you're confused." "My sister's coming down." "I just got confused." " So you can come?" " Yes, I can come." " And you, darling?" " As she said, my sister's coming down, so..." "And as I said, bring her along." "But what she didn't say was she's coming down because she's ill." "Oh, brilliant." " God, is it serious?" " We're not sure." " Well, send her my love." " I will." " But I will see you there?" " Definitely." " Yes, I've got no excuses." " Yeah." "ANDY:" "See you later." "MAGGIE:" "Bye." "Brilliant." " Oh, my God, you're coming." " No, I'm not." "I've got to be punished because you didn't think on your feet quickly enough?" " I can't go on my own." " I can't go at all." " What if my sister died?" " What's she got?" "I haven't got a sister." " You haven't got a sister?" " No, I made it up, an excuse." "Reading a little magazine there, are you?" " Yes." " Do you understand it?" "Would you rather have all your food too salty or too sweet?" "Doesn't matter if it's too anything." "It's rubbish, isn't it?" "You see, I would have too salty." "No, it'd be rubbish." "If it's too salty, it'd be rubbish." "Yeah, but I like savoury things." "But you said too salty, which means it's horrible." " I like crisps." " Don't ask me any more questions." " Hello, again." " MAGGIE:" "Hey, hello." " This is my friend Andy." " Hi." "Hiya." "Jon." " What are you doing here?" " I'm just having lunch." " That's what we're doing, isn't it?" " Yeah, just letting it cool down here, though." "Having a bit of lunch just before we go back to work." " Are you having to work late tonight, then?" " No, not tonight." "I'm going to a drinks do." "I don't know if you know, it's Jackie Greer's birthday." "Oh, my God, I'm going!" "I'm already going." "Oh, spooky." "I'm sure you're welcome to come along as well." "I can't, I'm doing anything else." "So do you know Jackie Greer very well, good friends?" "Not really, no." "The producer's going down so he sort of asked us to go along." " You know, team bonding or whatever." " The producer of this?" "Yeah, Martin the producer." "He's going to be there." "He knows Jackie from years back." "Yeah, I'll probably move stuff around." "I might as well come down for a couple of..." "Yeah?" "Okay, we'll see you later on then for a drink and a bit of a laugh, eh?" "That'd be great, yeah." "Yeah, well I'd better get this down me." "Line my stomach." "Coq au vin." " Sounds a bit rude, doesn't it?" " Not really." "What have you gone for?" "Oh, boring." "Just three bean salad, spinach and smoothie." " I'm on a high fibre diet." " Oh." "No bowel cancer for you, then." "Hopefully not, no." " Okay." "See you later." " See you later, bye." "Bye." " "No bowel cancer for you, then?"" " All right." "Classic." "That's really funny." " Hi." " Hello." " You all right?" " Yes." " You're not going to..." " No, no, I'm good." " Good." "Well, I got you a gift." " Why?" "Just to say thanks for being part of this amazing project, you know." "Oh, thank you very much." "And to thank you for the line you said you'd get me, do you remember?" " Did I?" " Yeah, you probably don't remember because you were crying about your dead family and stuff." "But you said you'd ask Ben for a line." "Are you going to ask Ben for a line?" "Yes, I can do that." "I didn't know what to get you, got you vouchers." " Vouchers?" " Yeah." "Fifteen quids' worth." " It's like money?" " It's exactly like money but you can only spend it at Top Shop." "So, you'll ask Ben, yeah?" "Yeah." "Brilliant." "Fifteen quid." "See you later." "(GUNSHOTS)" "(EXPLOSION)" "Cut!" "Cut!" "Why is he laughing?" "Why are you laughing, hm?" " I tripped up." " What's so funny?" "I tripped up." "Okay." "All right, do you think this is funny?" "You think war is funny?" "Do you think genocide is funny?" "Huh?" "Are you his mum?" "Yeah." "Let me ask you this." "Do you think this'll be funny?" "If I shot your mother right now?" "If I shot your mummy in the face, would that make you laugh?" "Do you think that would be funny?" "If I blew your mother's face off now, would that make you laugh?" "Okay, so maybe you should think of that next time you trip, okay?" "Let's do it right now, let's go." " BEN:" "Still rolling." " And the atrocities continue." "BEN:" "And action!" "It's so itchy, this." " JACKIE:" "Maggie and Andy." " Hi." " Is that for me?" " Yes." "Thank you so much." "I wasn't expecting you, I thought your sister was ill." "Yes, but it turned out to be not as serious as we first thought." "So, yeah, women's problems." "Typical, quite a build up." "I had to get out of the house in the end." "I thought she was gonna have my face off." "A Rottweiler with lipstick." "Busy, though." " You look amazing." " Thank you." "Someone said the producer was coming." "Is that..." "It's Martin, he's over there." " Oh, okay." " You look gorgeous." "Look at you, I wouldn't have thought to put that with that and that's the same problem we've got..." "Hello!" " Oh, hello." " Hi." "No, it was Elaine's idea originally." "He says that every time, but it was both of us." "It's usually true." "Anyway, it's modern retellings of the old stories and we're going to make several of them." "It's going to be a little bit like Kieslowski's Decalogue." " Have you see those?" " Yes." "Well, you know there's that one character, the Watcher, and it's a fantastic character." "Have you read that Kieslowski on Kieslowski book?" "No, I haven't." "He wrote later that he was so upset that he left him out of two of the films 'cause he really wished he was..." "It's his fault, should've..." "Do you want a drink?" "I'm a friend of Jackie's." "My round." " Oh, great, we're on champagne." " Three glasses of champagne." " Oh, just get a bottle." " Yes, definitely." "Anyway, so..." "What do you mean, why have you not seen me around?" "I've gone red." "Have you done other productions?" "Are you an actress?" " No." " Oh, you look like you should be an actress." " Costume dramas or something like that." " Yeah?" "I'd imagine it'll be seconds..." "Hi." "Andy." "Oh, Andy, yeah." "Oh, cheers." "Cheers." "Just thinking what you and Ben are doing in this film, wonderful, it moved me, so..." " Thank you." " No, thank you." "Can I ask you something?" "What was your inspiration?" "Well, obviously the story." "Oh, yeah." "In film terms." "Probably something like the..." " Are you a film buff?" " I adore films." "Well, I'll tell you what I re-watched when we were planning this." "Oh, please do." "Andrzej Wajda's War Trilogy." "They're extraordinary, aren't they?" "Yeah." "Ben's been watching them, particularly in relation to battle scenes, a lot of Kurosawa." "Oh, okay." "Yeah, particularly in relation to the kineticism of the mise en scène." "In the film." "Yeah, I see." "You a fan?" "Generally?" " Yes." " Of Japanese cinema?" " Oh, definitely." " Oh, well." "Kurosawa's obviously a master." "Yeah, he's number one." "I suppose on a personal level, I'm more a fan of Ozu." "Me, too, but I think they're both, they're both big boys." " The aesthetics are completely different." " Chalk and cheese, but..." " He tends to knock the camera off." " And the other one just lets it on." "It was Elaine actually who turned me on to Ozu." " Congratulations." " Yeah, I wasn't really a fan before." "Really?" "No, I'm sure you've found this." "You say to someone, "Do you like Japanese cinema?" and they say," ""No, can't get into it, boring."" "And you say, "Well, do you like the Magnificent Seven?"" " And they say, "Yes."" " Yeah, they like that." "And you think, well, it's a remake of the Seven Samurai." "Yeah, yeah, course it is." "What, they didn't know that?" " No." " Seven's the clue." "Can't just make that up." "No, it really upsets me." "I want everyone to love the Seven Samurai." "I love all the number films, really." "Seven Samurai, Ocean's Eleven, Dirty Dozen." "Which is about as many as I think you can have on screen at once." " But seven is perfect for me." " Apologies for this, but I don't really recognise you." "What are you doing?" "I'm an actor, yeah." "Although at the moment, I'm concentrating more on background work, looking out towards getting a speaking role." "In anything." " Andy, sorry to interrupt." " Not at all." "Listen, can I have a quick word?" " Not now, I'm a little bit busy." " Two minutes." " I'm in the middle..." " Don't mind us." "We'll be here." "Yeah?" "Okay, all right." "I just wanted to let you know that Jon's going on somewhere else" " and he's asked me to go with him." " Fine." "I wanted to let you know because it was me who dragged you here." "You'd be all annoyed because I'd disappeared..." "I'm fine, I'm chatting." " He's nice." " He is, yes." " Foot doesn't bother you?" " Eh?" "I know you're a deeply shallow person, I thought the foot would be a problem." "What do you mean?" "He's got one leg shorter than the other, look." "He's wearing one of them big shoes." " Oh, my God." " You didn't notice that?" "Well, no, it was under the table, wasn't it?" " Yes." "Must have been a big table." " No, don't." " What?" " I didn't see." "Oh, look at him." "He's a lovely man." "He's funny, he's attractive." "Look at him, everybody loves him, life and soul of the party." " Certainly the sole." " Oh, come on." "If you're above it." "If you don't mind being known as Maggie, "Who's Maggie?"" ""Maggie, the girl who goes out with the fellow with the big shoe," that's fine." "But they can do something about it now, can't they?" " No." " Some doctor in China or something." "No, it's weird, that's the one thing they can't do anything about." "They can give you a new face, new heart, new lungs, new liver, new anything, but if you go to a doctor and you say," ""Doc, I've got one leg slightly shorter than the other,"" "doesn't matter if you got a million pounds, they can send you to Switzerland and all you're coming home with is a big shoe." " Stop it." " That's fine, if it's not a problem for you." "I'm not so shallow that I can't see beyond his big foot." "I know you, you'll get involved and it will be a problem." "All I'm saying is this, don't rush off with him tonight." "Sleep on it, if it's not a problem tomorrow, give him a call." " In the morning?" " Absolutely, why rush into it now?" "He's here." " Hey." " Hi." "I'm ready to get going if you are." "Now?" "Right now?" "Er..." "I don't think I can go right now." "Oh, right." "You said you fancied it just then." "Yeah, but he just reminded me of something." " Yeah, I just reminded her." " I don't think I can go." "Is it..." "Is it the leg?" "Hm?" "Is it the fact that I've got one leg shorter than the other?" " I hadn't noticed." " You hadn't noticed?" "I hadn't." " You hadn't noticed that?" " Oh!" "No." " I hadn't." "God, it's a big clumpy one." " Don't say clumpy." " It's like a big Herman Munster." " Oh!" "Don't say..." " Er..." " Oh, that's..." "Do these come in any other styles?" "Do you have to buy a pair and throw one away?" "It's been good talking to you." " Just interested because..." " I've never seen a live one." "Maybe I can phone you tomorrow." "No." "No, don't worry about it." "You've shown your true colours." " That was you." " It wasn't my fault." "How was it my fault?" "That poor man." "All his life he's had to deal with people that are so shallow that they can't see beyond his foot thing and he's going to think I'm like that." "You are." "I don't want him to know that." " Well, don't say Herman Munster then." " Well, it just slipped out." "Herman Munster just slipped out?" "Bit more room." "We were having a conversation earlier about films, weren't we?" "You'd have hated it." "I was going to ask you about this film." "Are there any parts left to cast?" " No, I'm afraid not." " Oh, that's a shame." " Jon seemed quite upset." " Was he?" "I thought you were getting on with him." "You seemed to be." "Yeah, we were." "But you don't want to see him because of his foot?" " I didn't say that." " But it is though, isn't it?" "Well, it's her private life, innit?" "Yeah, I'm just saying that I think it's a shame that she obviously goes through life not liking anyone that's different than her." "That's not true." "She's gets on with anyone, tall, thin, black, white, yellow." "She's not prejudiced." " Who's yellow?" " What?" "Well, you were just listing racial types, black, white..." "Who's yellow?" "(ANDY CLEARS THROAT)" " That's what we call the Chinese sometimes." " Oh, do we?" "The Chinese?" "Well, one, I'm American and two, my parents are Japanese, not Chinese." "Oh, yes, Japanese, Chinese I wasn't..." "What do you mean, Japanese, Chinese?" "Both the same to you, are they?" "Well, don't make me sound like a racist, I don't happen to know the intricate differences between Japanese and Chinese people." "There's that thing that they teach you at school." "No." "Chinese, Japanese, dirty knees, what are these?" " Do you remember it?" " Yeah, it rings a bell." " Okay?" "That's us." " Yeah." "ANDY:" "Cheers, good night." " Are we going?" " Yeah." "Do you know why?" " No." " Guess." " Because of the foot." " No." " I know the first..." " Then we've got the second one." "Okay, I don't need to hear, you know, the story of how we got to this point." "I know what point we're at, I'm just wondering when we can actually shoot it." " Hey." " Hi." " Good news." " Yeah?" " I got you line." " Really?" "I talk to Ben, he say, here, you see." "Journalist Two." ""Don't go down there!" "There are snipers down there."" "(WITH ACCENT) Don't go down there!" "There are snipers down there." " What you doing?" " The accent." "I was gonna..." " Don't." " I won't do the accent." "That's brilliant." " Okay." " Excellent." " Thanks." " Cheers." "Hold on." "Sorry, there's two journalists here." "Journalist One and Journalist Two." "I'm Journalist Two, but Journalist One's got all the lines." "Look, him, him, him, me, snipers." "Him, him, him." "I think I should do Journalist Two, you know." "I think someone else already doing that." " I know, but we could swap." "I'd be better." " I got you a line." "I know, but remember the vouchers." "I got you the vouchers, didn't I?" "I put them towards this top." " Brilliant." "Doesn't that look good?" " Nice." "Looks really good." "Have a word and see if I could do Journalist Two." "He's busy." "Yeah, but he's always busy." "Just get a quiet moment when he's not so busy." "Kelvin, go back to one on this, we've got to work this out." " Ivan, when you come..." " Igor." " What?" " Igor." "Igor, okay, when you knock her down, don't ask her to come down." "You smack her in the back of the head and then you come here and you jam it into her mouth." "You can't put your hand up, okay?" "Boom, you jam her in the mouth, break her jaw on the first one." "Second one nose, okay." "Her jaw's broken, she's swallowed her teeth, blood's coming out, all right?" "Then you smack her again across the side, breaking the neck." "All right, can we do this again, please?" " Go and get him now." " Okay, I try." " GORAN:" "Ben." " Yeah." "I need to swap the lines." "What do you mean, you need to swap the lines?" "For my friend." "He wants to..." "Your friend?" "No, no, I gave your friend a line." "Yes, but I want him to have more." "You want him to have more?" " You want him to have more lines?" " Yes." "I don't understand, are you directing the movie or am I directing the movie?" "No, but this is my story." "My memories, my tribute to my dead wife." "Would you stop going on about your fucking dead wife?" "All right, let's do another rehearsal." "Right away, please." "Ben." "That was a wee bit much." "Ben?" "I'm sorry, what's your name?" "Oh, wait a minute, I remember." "I don't give a shit." " Get out of my face." " All right." "Don't have a go at her, she was just worried about Goran." " Who are you?" " Nobody." "What's that?" "Who?" " Nobody." " That's right, nobody." "Yeah, and who am I?" "It's either Starsky or Hutch, I can never remember." " Was that supposed to be funny?" " You tell me, you were in it." " Get off my set." " Okay." "Get off my set." "Hey, hey, question." "Do you know how much Meet the Fockers made in its opening weekend?" " No." " No, you don't, do you?" "What do you think?" " Don't know." " Take a wild guess." "Twenty million?" "Way off." "Double it, add six." "46, three days. 70 million, five days." "500 million worldwide." "Number one movie in India right now." "Well done." "Bye, nerd." " Oh, I'm a nerd?" " Yeah." "I'm a nerd." "I've kissed Cameron Diaz, Drew Barrymore." "I slapped Jennifer Aniston's butt." " In films." " It still counts." "It still counts." "It still counts." "I did it, I actually did it." "(TEA FOR THE TILLERMAN BY CAT STEVENS)" "(MALE VOICES SHOUTING IN GERMAN)" "(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)" "(MAN SPEAKING IN GERMAN)" "DIRECTOR:" "Cut!" " Oh, for fuck's sake." " Okay, we'll get it on that, thank you." " Was I in it?" " I don't know." "No, I wasn't in it." "What is the point in getting all tarted up like this" " if you're not going to make it to the scene?" " You look quite dapper." " It's a Nazi uniform." " I know." "It's a bit natty, though, isn't it?" " Natty?" " I bet it's more comfortable than this." "This is riding up my clunge." "Can you imagine hiding from the Gestapo for weeks on end dressed like this?" "Yeah, it must have been awful." " It's actually very slimming that." " Yeah?" "I'll wear it out Friday night." "She's right." "I can see what she means." "Yeah?" "You think I look good in this?" "You should see me with a white sheet over my head setting fire to a cross." " Who's that?" " Not sure." "Seems nice." "I've got to get out of this, it's doing my back in." "Okay, take care moving on now." "Thanks, chaps." " Do you know what worries me?" " Don't know." "Where do baby ants go to school?" "Go on." "No, all these people going about pretending to be nuns." " What do you mean?" " Do you think that's right?" " It's a film." " I know." "But they're all wandering around as holy ladies." "Wouldn't that offend God or someone?" " Offend God or someone?" " Does it not worry you a bit?" "No." "What, offending God?" "I'm an atheist." "What one's that?" "Is that the one where you haven't decided what..." "No, that's agnostic." "I'm an atheist." "I firmly believe there is no God." " Why?" " Wh..." "The burden of proof is not on me." "The burden of proof is on the people who say there is a God." "I don't believe in God, I believe in science." "Do you not believe in anything like ghosts or spirits or anything?" "No, I don't believe in ghosts or spirits or elves." "Certainly not God, no." "So what do you think happens when you die?" "Well, if you're buried, you go in the ground and you're worm food." "See, I don't like that." "I would rather believe that there is a God and your soul just floats away on to eternity." "All your friends from school will be there, all the ones you haven't seen for ages, and all your dead pets and just, like, all nice people." "You don't have to worry about worms." "You believe in God, then." "I think I need to go for a wee." "Oh, that's the third one already." "Good." "Well, keep me posted throughout the week." "Maybe keep a journal." "Oh, God!" " What have you done?" " What?" "What's happened?" "Are you all right?" "No, I've got cerebral palsy." "Don't worry." "Oh, good." " I thought you'd had a fall or something." " No, I'm cool." "Really." "Oh, hello, then." "I'm Maggie." "I'm Suzanne again and this is my sister Fran." " Hello." " Good to meet you." " Are you in this as well?" " Oh, she's just here to watch." " I was going to say..." " Oh, I have a bit of spare time, you know, because my tap dancing class was cancelled so..." "Right." "Joke, tap dancing, me." "Right." "Yeah, yeah." " I've got a question about your props." " Go on." " Where's all this stuff come from?" " You just buy it." "What, there's a shop for a 30 foot swastika is there?" "No, I got that from home." "It's my Nan's." "Here she is." " All right?" " Yeah." "Hey, do you want to have lunch with us later?" "I can't." "I've got to go and see my fool of an agent." " Still going well, is it?" " I went in the other day, right, and he said to me, "Andy," he said, "if I don't get a decent client soon," ""I'm going to have to go full time at The Carphone Warehouse."" "Unbelievable." " Here, got to go." " See you later." " Go and move some props around." " Will do." " Going well, is it?" " Yeah, it's good." "That's longer than a day you've been going out with this one." " Three weeks." " That has got to be a record for you." " Cheekiness." " No, well done." "Good bloke." " Well, I'm glad you like him." " Yeah, good." " What?" " Nothing." " Married?" " No." " Gay?" " No!" "It is something, though." "He likes to talk dirty on the phone." "He'll call me up and he's coming out with all this filth." "Why would you tell me that?" "What does he say?" "What does he say?" "He calls up and says things like..." ""Ooh, what are you doing?"" "What do you say?" "I didn't know what was going on at first, didn't realise, and I was just honest with him and I said, "I'm just cleaning out the vegetable drawer of the fridge."" "Well, he probably thought that was a euphemism." ""Oh, I'm cleaning out my vegetable drawer." "Oh, I am scrubbing my front step."" " Have you talked dirty back to him?" " No." " Have you?" " No, I have not." "I don't know what to say to him." "It's too embarrassing." " Yeah." " What if I say something and he laughs at me or something and it's too much and he gets all offended?" "Well, no, it's just all stuff like, "Oh, I'm playing with myself."" "Oh, that sounds interesting." " Hi." "Not me, her." " Go on." "Her boyfriend likes to talk dirty on the phone and she doesn't know what to say to him." "Oh, yeah, that can be a bit awkward." "Why don't you just start off with something light, you know, like..." ""I'd love it if you stuck your Willy Wonka between my Oompa Loompas."" "You know, something a bit jokey and then you can get more hardcore." "Rattle off the old classics like, "I'm playing with my dirty pillows."" ""I'm aching for your big purple-headed womb ferret." And then go straight in hard," ""Get round here because I'm fudding myself stupid and I'm bloody loving it."" " All right?" " Yeah." "Yeah." "Anyway, better get on." "Good luck." "Love to Sam Mendes." "Kate Winslet just talking dirty to..." "Anne Frank and Joseph Goebbels." "Just... another normal day." " Guten Tag, Fräulein." " Oh, hi." "(WITH GERMAN ACCENT) What is this "Oh, hi"?" "Sorry, is that meant to be German?" "You are resisting the great German sense of humour." "You are English, ya?" "Then I have something for you that will make you roll in the aisles." "This is funny to you, yeah, because it looks like a thingy." "Yeah." "Actually, this will make you laugh." "Jesus, look, pissed up nutter over there." "She's had a few." "Actually, is she pissed or mental?" "Oh, here she comes." " That's my sister." " Huh?" "She's got cerebral palsy." "No... not... her." "Another nutter that was..." "Not another nutter, she's not..." "She's gone now, the one I meant." "Shot on and just shot off again." " Hi." " Hi." " This is my sister." " Hiya." " Francesca." " You all right?" "Hiya, you all right?" "What do you do in this, then?" "What Judith...?" " No, she said what do you do in this?" " Oh, a background artist." "Oh, right." "And what does that entail?" "What does that entail?" "Yeah, just standing around, really." "Although it's not what I do." "I'm a real actor, this is just sort of like pocket money." "Yeah, well I bet they all say that, don't they?" "All right, mate." "Come and check this out." "I just typed in 58,008 into a calculator... and lo and behold, amazingly, it comes up "boobs"." "You see that?" "That's worth knowing, isn't it?" "Good." "What can I do..." "Oh, sorry." "Better get that." "Hang on." "(PHONE RINGING)" "Just..." "Hello?" "It's gone." "That's... annoying." "It's weird that, it always happens with that one." " Turn it off." " Okay, I'll put it on vibrate." "How do you do that?" "Erm... what can I do for you?" "You called me in for a meeting." "Did I?" "What was that about?" "I don't know, you said you wanted to see me." "All right." "I'll just check on here." " What's the gist of it?" " It'll be on here." "I've got everything organised on there so it's all..." "I'm looking at the wrong date." " Erm... it's the third today, isn't it?" " Fourth." "Fourth." "Yeah, I was looking at the wrong date." "Tuesday 3rd, blank." "What does it say here?" "It just says, today, "catch-up meeting"." "Just to catch up, really, with you and find out what's been happening" " tell you about what's coming in and..." " Okay, what's coming in?" "Nothing's come in according to that." " Nothing's come in?" " No." "Okay, good." "Well, that was well worth it." "Apart from sitting there waiting for the phone to ring, what have you done?" "Have you called anyone?" "Have you sent the script out?" "What script?" "Sorry?" "Oh, man, the script I gave you two months ago." "That sounds good." " The sitcom." " Yeah?" "Funny?" "You haven't read it?" "What's it called?" "Because I can get on to that." " When the Whistle Blows." " I'll just write down "When the 'W' Blows."" "Don't put "W", you'll forget what the "W" stands for." "Write it out." " No, When the Wind Blows." " Whistle." "I'll put that in. "W" equals wind." " Whistle!" " Whistle." "It's there." " It's in." " That's safe then, is it?" "That's done." "I can forget about that." "That's on its way, yeah?" "I've got my best man on it?" " Yeah." " Safe hands, safe hands." " Do you want to put another meeting in?" " Any point?" "May as well." "And then when nothing comes in, just phone you up and cancel it." "That's a plan." "I don't think of him as an agent now." "I think of him as a bloke who had some cards printed up in a vending machine in the garage with the word "agent" on them." "That, to me, is his qualifications." "He sent me up for the lead role in Billy Elliot." "Yeah, right, the man in charge of my career." "I'm glad you're finding this funny." "She's laughing at my life." "Aw." "It must be lovely to see her laughing." "She laughs all the time." "She lives to laugh." "Well, you have to be able to laugh, don't you?" "Keeps you sane." "I thought she was sane?" "No, I mean, it keeps anybody sane." "Oh, right, yes." "People laughing and..." "You know, don't you reckon if you can laugh, you can cope with, like, anything?" "It's a God-given gift, isn't it?" "Laughing in the face of adversity." " You're quite religious, are you?" " Yeah, we both are." "We both really believe, right, that God gives us a struggle and that's the point of life, isn't it?" "You know, to overcome the difficulties thrown at you and the greatest thing is you know that in heaven, everything will be all right." "Maggie, do you believe in God or...?" " Yes, I do, I think, yes." " Oh, great." "And what about you, Andy?" "Do you believe in God?" "Like, do you believe everything will be okay in heaven?" "Yeah." " What faith are you?" " What...?" " What faith are you?" " Catholic." " Oh, really?" "So are we." " Oh, excellent." "Lot of us about and I am definitely one of us." "Catholicism, the "C" word." "Not the "C" word, a "C" word." "Heaven, yeah, amazing." "It's going to be brilliant up there." "You're going to have an amazing time, you'll love it." "Be like Ibiza or something." "Please, Lord... let us know that you have seen what we have seen." "Please, Lord." "You have to let us know that we are not alone." "Thank you, Lord." "DIRECTOR:" "Cut!" "Christ, that is bloody hot." "Oh, fuck, my fucking knees." " Can we go again on that?" " Not now." " Does it have to be that hot?" " It's okay now." "I'm sweating like a bastard." "No wonder they lose their rag sometimes." "Oh, hiya." "How did it go with your dirty phone call?" "Oh, I haven't done it yet." "I'm working up to it." "Well, here is another one that's always good." "Just do all the preliminary stuff and then you go, "Hang on," ""why is the slut from next door just coming into my bedroom and is taking her bra off?"" "Then you just pretend you're getting it on with her." " I couldn't do that." " Course you can, you're an actress." "No, I'm not." "I'm just an extra." "You're the actress." " A brilliant actress, by the way." " Yeah, she is." "I'm an actor as well as..." "If there's a line going in this film, I'd love to be part of this." "I'd just like to say, I think, you know, you doing this is so commendable." "Using your profile to keep the message alive about the Holocaust." "My God, I'm not doing it for that." "I don't think we really need another film about the Holocaust, do we?" "It's, like, how many have there been?" "You know, we get it, it was grim, move on." "No, I'm doing it because I've noticed that if you do a film about the Holocaust, guaranteed an Oscar." "I've been nominated four times, never won." "And the whole world is going, "Why hasn't Winslet won one?"" "Definitely, yeah." "That's, er, that's why I'm doing it." "Schindler's bloody List." "The Pianist." "Oscars coming out of their arse." "Well, good luck, then." " It's a good plan." " Thank you." " Good luck with your phone call." " Okay." " See you later." " Bye." " Can we go again?" " Yeah, let's do it." "DIRECTOR:" "And action." "(BOOTS SQUEAKING)" "Sorry." "DIRECTOR:" "Cut there, thank you." "All right, reset, please." " Are you married or single?" " Why?" " I think my sister might like you a bit." " Really?" "She's only human." "...square head, I must say." "Anyway, I meant to ask you actually, a couple of friends of mine are having a get together tonight." "Wondered if you were free, would you like to come along?" " Yeah, yeah." " Great." "Definitely." "Ya!" "Oh, my God, I've got Jeremy Clarkson's clothes." " I can't..." "It's awful." " Well, what sort of a party is it?" "Well, she said a get together with some friends, probably casual, but I want to look good, don't I?" "Ooh!" "I know." "You said she was quite a classy, stylish..." " Yeah." "...type of lady." "This." "Look." "Lead us, heavenly Father, lead us, over the world's tempestuous sea." "Guard us, guide us, keep us, feed us for we have no help but Thee." "Yet possessing every blessing if our God our father..." " Lovely suit." " Thanks." "I like to look good for a prayer meeting." "...our God descending, fill our hearts with heavenly joy." "Love with every passion..." "How long is this going to take, out of interest?" " An hour and a half." " Hour and a half!" "Time for a drink afterwards?" " Yes." " Yes?" "...nothing can our peace destroy." "Isn't that lovely?" "Thank you, Lisa, it was lovely." "Hi, it's me." "Yeah, no, I'm good." "You?" "Good." "Yeah, I'm ready." "Okay." "I'm not wearing anything." "No, you're not wearing anything?" "Hey, both of us are not wearing anything." "What am I doing?" "Yeah." "Er..." "First off, I'm fudding myself stupid and I'm bloody loving it." "Fudding." "I think she wanted me to wear my uniform." "You told her how good I looked in my...?" "Really nice." "Yeah, she really liked it." "Do you know what uniform it is?" "German." "I know, yeah." "With what they did, you should be ashamed of yourself." "I don't think you two have been formally introduced." " This is Andy, Father." " How are you, son?" "You don't have to do that." "I'm not the Pope." "No, old habits die hard." "My old priest used to make me kiss him on the ring." "On his finger." "There was none of that going on." "That makes me sick as well, people saying priests are paedophiles and kiddie fiddlers." "There's probably, I mean, there probably are." "I mean, you probably know some, but it's no higher percentage of perverts in..." "But they, you know..." "They're in all walks of life, aren't they?" "You know, there are nonces everywhere but let's not exaggerate it is what I'm saying." "I've never been touched by a priest." "I've been touched by God." "Not in that way." "In the heart but, you know... or..." "Er..." "Oh, condoms." "It's just..." "Do we need them?" "I don't think so." "Let the free seed of love gush forth." "Who was your confirmation saint?" "Mine?" " Saint Bernard." " Saint Bernard?" "Who was your priest growing up?" "Father." "Flaa-heer-ty." "Flah..." "Father Michael Flatley." " Michael Flatley?" " O'Flatley." "Irish fellow." " And where was his parish?" " Just the parish of where I grew up my town, the holy parish of Wokingham." "I've done a lot of work in the London and Thames area..." "Oh, yeah?" "...and I've never heard of a Father Michael O'Flatley." "No, he died." "Dead." "Untraceable." "He won't be replaced." "Not by me anyway." "He was a great man." " Can I ask you a personal question?" " Go for it." "And it may seem blunt, but honesty is a cornerstone of the Catholic faith." "Amen to that." " Are you a Catholic?" " Am I a...?" " Are you a Catholic?" " Am I a Catholic?" "Well, if you're asking to see some official documentation, you're going to be gutted." "Have you been confirmed?" "Have you ever taken Communion?" "No, actually." " Did Father Flatley exist?" " O'Flatley." "Did he ever exist?" "No." "Why have you been pretending to be a Catholic?" "Because it does no harm." "Does it?" " We've all had a laugh." " Was it just to get close to me?" "Well, I do fancy you if that's..." "Even you must think..." "And I thought you might not get off with someone who wasn't Catholic." "Sorry, I wouldn't get off with you anyway." "I don't believe in sex before marriage." "Really?" "In this day and age." "Bit annoying, to be honest." "I can't believe you lied to me just to try and sleep with me." "I'd already lied before I tried it on with you so..." "Well, what was the first lie?" "The f..." "I didn't want to upset her." "Sorry, what do you mean?" " Sorry, what the what?" " What do you mean?" "Oh." "Oh, well." "She was saying the only thing that keeps her going is the thought that one day she'll be in heaven and everything will be all right." "And I didn't want to go, "No, you're barking up the wrong tree, love." ""There's no God, there's no heaven." ""You're not going to be up there talking normally and running around..." ""Legs and playing volleyball and everything."" "So, I didn't..." "I said..." "It's like a white lie, isn't it?" "Look, if it makes you feel uncomfortable, then you shouldn't do it." " But I want to make you happy." " I'm happy if you're happy." "It's just a silly little thing, isn't it?" "I mean, it's a bit of fun." "If you're not into it, so be it." "That's cool." " Really?" " I'm going out with you because of you." "My God, really?" " Do you know what?" " What?" "You're cool." "I like to think so." " Am I interrupting?" " Yes." " Good." " All right." " How are you?" " Good." " Oh, how was the date?" " The date?" "Erm... oh, good." "Let me just go over some highlights for you." "Lied to a priest in front of a room full of Christians." "Some of them elderly, some of them just weird and bewildered." "So insulted them and their belief system." "Made a woman hate me for the rest of her life." "Yeah?" "Didn't believe in God before." "Definitely going to hell." "I liked her as well." "Oh, here, listen, but don't worry." "I know someone who'd be perfect for you." "She's desperate and she has trouble hanging on to men 'cause she's clinically depressed." " Have you got her number?" " I do." "I think it's in my phone." "I'm being sarcastic because I don't want to go out with a psychopath." " She's quite nice underneath." " Oh, she just cuts you if she forgets to take her lithium." "Hi." "How did it go?" "With the phone?" "Oh, oh, this is my boyfriend Mike." "This is Mike, I don't think you've met before." "Mike, this is the actress Kate Winslet." " Hi, Mike." " Hiya, great to meet you." " How you doing?" " Do you want a tea?" "No, it's fine." "So, it's the weekend, you all got any big plans?" "I tell you what we're going to do, we're going to have a big spring clean." "Yeah, my husband's going to be rummaging around in my basement while I polish his Oscar." "I see what you mean." "No, I'm going to be in the garage probably." "Just cleaning the car." "Giving the old girl's headlamps a good soaping up." "Giving them a good seeing to." "Can I just say, I mean, you probably get this all the time, but can I just say I'm a big fan." " I've seen Titanic, like, five times as well." " Oh, that's sweet." " Have you seen Titanic?" " Yeah, great, brilliant." "A lot of it was..." "It's, erm..." "A lot of it is CGI actually, you know that?" " Half the boat..." " Really?" " What you doing?" " Just checking that." "Is it all right?" "Yeah, I think so." "So you've told them, have you?" "About the phone call?" " No, no, I haven't." " You've told them about the phone call." "I can't believe you told other people." "Hey, where you going?" "Just..." "You know everything anyway so you might as well watch the break-up." " What?" "No, listen..." " Well, how can I trust you now?" "Were you really doing anything?" "When you said you were rubbing it, were you really rubbing it?" "No." "I don't know what to do." "I don't know what to do, this is such a betrayal." " You're just laughing at me behind my back." " I'm not." "Then what's all this with her?" " I was getting advice." " Off Kate Winslet?" "Are you proud of yourself?" "Are you?" "You think because you were in the biggest film ever you've got the right to mock the little people?" "No." "So that stuff about your husband polishing his Oscar," " was that supposed to mean wanking?" " Yeah." "And your basement meant?" "My fanny." "Pathetic." "Thanks very much." "I keep seeing her around." "What is up with her?" "She's got cerebral palsy." "Oh, that's worth remembering, I tell you." "That is another way you win an Oscar." "Seriously, think about it." "Daniel Day-Lewis in My Left Foot." "Oscar." "Dustin Hoffman, Rain Man, Oscar." "John Mills, Ryan's Daughter, Oscar." " Yeah." " Seriously." "You are guaranteed an Oscar if you play a mental." " See you later." " Cheers." "(TEA FOR THE TILLERMAN BY CAT STEVENS)" "What's on your mind?" "Seriously, talk to me." "Why am I not getting any acting roles?" "I've been thinking about this." "I'm glad you brought it up." "I've got a feeling it could be your shape." "It is a very unusual shape and I'm not sure who would be looking for it." " Could you maybe do a bit more exercise?" " Could you maybe do a bit more work?" " I don't know..." " We can banter all we like but, I mean, if you insist on remaining, you know, a blob, could you maybe at least get a tan?" "They're looking for a fat bloke with a tan, are they?" "What's that for?" "Oliver Stone's story of Buddha?" "Before I get up and walk out of here, possibly forever," " have you got anything for me at all?" " Loads of stuff." "Do you fancy panto in Guildford with Les Dennis?" "No." " What, that's it?" " Yeah." " You said there was loads of stuff." " I thought you'd go with that one." "What's the role?" "It is the part of the Genie in Aladdin." "They're happy with a fat bloke for that, are they?" "With a tan ideally." "I promise you, listen, I've done a panto before." " Ah!" "Andy Millman, this is Les Dennis." " Hi." "I know who you are." " Good to meet you." " Nice to meet you." " Andy is playing our Genie." " Oh, no, really?" "Yeah." " Could Chris Biggins not do it?" " He was busy." " Biggins was busy?" " Yeah." "That's a nightmare." "What about John Thomson off Cold Feet?" "Well, he was available but he screwed up the audition." "He was very nervous." "Yeah, he can get nervous." "That's a shame." "Sorry, can I just say, if you're interested in a famous face," "I represent Barry from EastEnders." "Not for this part though, no." "It's too late, isn't it?" "This part's taken, innit?" "What about Jono Coleman?" "I thought he was up for it." "Yes, but since he did Celebrity Fit Club he's..." "Well, he's just not fat enough." "I've got Barry on the phone now, if you're interested..." "No point, is there?" "No, the vacancy's filled." "Remember you took 12 and a half percent, ring any bells?" "Sorry, Barry." "No one on the list was available, then?" "No, and in the end we were running out of time and we just got desperate so... (MAGIC PLAYING)" "Fantastic!" " LES:" "Andy." " Hi." " Can I introduce this gorgeous creature?" " Hello." " This is Simone." " Hi." "Show him your ring." "Engagement ring." "Cost an arm and a leg." "Didn't want you seeing her and thinking, "Who's that stunner?" "I'll make her mine."" " Hands off, she's taken." " Silly." "SIMONE:" "I'm going to have to get going, sweetheart." "See you later." " Nice to meet you." " See you later." "Bye." "Bye, darling." "Save it for later." "Eh?" "We asked 100 people, "Which comedian is going to land on his feet" ""and get his end away with an absolute cracker?"" "You said, "Les Dennis," our survey said, "Ding, top answer!" Jammy bastard." "Yeah, well done." "Still, it's about time I had a bit of good luck, isn't it?" "The stuff that's happened to me, been in the papers." " I don't know." " You do." " Did you watch me on Celebrity Big Brother?" " It was good." "Might have been entertaining for you, but I was at my lowest ebb." "The shit that was flying around before I went in." "I remember I was sitting there one day thinking, "What's the point, eh?" ""What is the point?"" "And..." "I've never really told anybody this before." "Okay." " I even considered suicide." " Oh!" "Yeah, actually thinking I'm going to end it all." "I'm thinking, "I'll do it here, live on telly." "That will show them."" "And as I was thinking about it, Melinda Messenger came in, lovely girl." " She was chatting away." " Took your mind off it?" "Yeah, I was looking at her tits." "Lovely." "And I was thinking, "Come on, Les, look at them." "Life is worth living after all."" "I mean, I'd seen them loads of times in the papers and on the telly, but when you're face to face with them..." " Live." "...you go, "Yeah, well done."" "Yeah, that's a lovely story." "(TELEPHONE RINGING)" "MAN:" "Hello, Heat Magazine." "Yeah, hi." "Do you deal with the Celebrity Spotted section?" " Can do, yeah." "Why, who have you seen?" " Well, I just spotted Les Dennis, the comedian and impressionist and actor Les Dennis." "I just spotted him shopping in New Bond Street." "Doubt he can afford much around there, can he?" "Well he can because I just saw him and he was spending a fucking shit load of cash, all right?" "So put that in." "Make sure you put that in." "(KNOCKING)" " Hello." " Hiya." "I just wanted to introduce you to my friend Maggie." " Hello, Maggie." " Hello, pleased to meet you." "Nice to meet you, too." "What are you doing with this reprobate?" "You two an item?" " Oh, Christ, no." " All right." "No, I'm just here visiting him." "It's the first time he's treaded the boards." "Oh, well, theatre." "The stories I could tell you." "It's where it all started for me, up and down the country." "Great to be back." "Things have changed a bit, mind." "There was a time when I wouldn't have had to share a dressing room." "Back in the day I'd have had two dressing rooms if I'd wanted." "One for me, one for all the cards and flowers from all the well-wishers." "Little presents and things they sent me." "Don't need a whole dressing room for those three, do you?" "No." "What were you doing?" "You said you had to..." " What?" " You were about to do something." "Yeah, I've got to go to the post office." " See you later." " Yeah, it was really nice to meet you, bye." " Yeah, nice to see you, bye." " Bye." "One and two, three and four, five, six, seven, eight." "One and two, three and four, five, six, seven, eight." "All right, stop, stop, stop." "You're missing something." "I'm not getting something." "What is it?" "What am I not getting?" " What am I looking for?" " I know." "Somebody else." " Yes?" " 110%% ." "You should be giving me a 110%% all of the time, but that is not what I was thinking of." "What am I looking for?" " Okay." " T and T." "Correct." "T and T. And what is T and T?" "Come up here and show them." "T and T. Tits and teeth, yes." "Tits and teeth." "And before any of you have me up on sexism charges, do not forget this is my daughter." "That is all right." "One more time..." " I know that girl." " Five, six, seven, eight." "Hold on, his daughter?" "But he's definitely gay." "He can't be gay if he's got a daughter." " Oscar Wilde was married with two kids." " Well, he couldn't have been gay." " What, Oscar Wilde?" " Yeah." " I've got to stop hanging around with you." " That's lunch, back at 2:00." "I do know her." " Oh, hi." " Hiya." "Maggie!" "Do you remember me?" "Lizzie Bunton?" "Daddy?" "We worked on that BBC kids' show together," " The Orphans of Penny Farthing Lane." " Penny Farthing Lane." "Brilliant that." "Daddy, this is my friend Maggie." "We worked on Orphans together." "Hello, nice to meet you." "Lan Bunton, everyone calls me Bunny." " Oh, already started your lunch I notice." " It's a banana." "# Food glorious food" "# Hot sausage and mustard" "# While we're in the mood" "# Cold jelly and custard #" " No, no, no, no." "Cust-terd." " # Custard #" " No, come on, cust-terd." " # Custard #" "# Cust-terd # # Custard #" " Don't worry about it." " BUNNY:" "No, come on." "# Custard # # Cust-terd #" "# Custard #" "There." "See, if something's worth doing, it's worth doing correctly." "Must dash." "I'll catch up with you later, then." " Yes." " Definitely." "Bye-bye." " Bye-bye." " Bye." "Give her a kiss." " Don't." " Oh, where have you been hiding her?" "Oh, she's really lovely but she's a wee bit mental." " Of course she's mental." "Her dad's a gay." " He can't be gay." "Ho, ho, ho!" "Smarties." "Yum, yum, yum." "(DOOR OPENING)" "(WHISTLING MERRILY)" " Les, you all right, mate?" " Hiya." " You all right?" " Yeah." " What have you got in your little bag?" " It's the local paper." "Don't want to blow my own, not with my back, but there's a little article in here." "Hi, darling." "Listen to this." ""Family Fortunes loser Les Dennis" ""is on the comeback trail thanks to a starring role in Aladdin." ""Things are looking up for Les, 50," ""who recently announced his engagement to beautiful fiancée Simone Lewis, 26." ""With an age gap of a quarter of a century," ""Dennis is clearly punching above his weight again" ""but insists they are very much in love."" " Marriage, faithfulness." " Do you want to get some lunch, darling?" " I can't, I promised I'd meet a friend." " A friend." " Do you want some money?" " Yes, please." " Fifty okay?" " Yeah." "Bit much for lunch, innit?" " Bye." " Bye." " Alone again." " Yeah." " Do you want to get some lunch?" " I can't." "I've already eaten." "Yeah?" " But I'll come for a coffee with you." " Yeah." "Yeah, course I will, course I will." "If that's what you want." "Yeah." "Thanks." "Come on, then, what shall we have?" "Maggie." " Oh, it's you." " Hello." "I'm trying to find my way out of here." "It's like a blooming maze." " Come in." "This is my dressing room." " Oh, look at it." "I share this with the other girls in the chorus." "Yeah?" "Where are they?" "I think they've all gone to lunch." "Sometimes they forget to invite me." "Right." " What are you doing on Sunday?" " What, this Sunday?" "I'll tell you what you're doing." " You're coming to my party." " My sister might be..." "It's going to be my birthday on Sunday and I'm having a party." "I'm going to be 29." "It's very important and I'm just inviting my very best friends like you." "Yeah." "It's going to be brilliant." "Oh, my parties are always great." " Yeah?" " Please come." "There will be entertainment there and everything." " Oh, well." " Please, please." " Oh, I'm just thinking..." " You must!" "You must!" " Okay, then." " Brilliant." "Let me just check with Daddy that that's okay." "Yeah, you'd better check with him first." " Do not come in!" " Daddy, it's Lizzie." "I won't be a minute." "Do not come in!" "I'm just finishing up a meeting." "Okay, we've finished." "This is an old friend." "Bye, Paul." "And old friend." " Daddy." " Yes?" " Can Maggie come to my party, please?" " Of course, dear." "The little bastard's pinched my watch." " He nicked your watch?" " It's fine..." " Call the police." " Do not call the police!" "And don't tell your mother, she'll only worry." "That happened before, didn't it?" "With your mobile phone?" " The crime rate's through the roof." " Yeah." " You all right?" " Yeah." "Cheer up." "Turn that frown upside down." " What's the matter with you?" " Nothing." " Is everything okay?" "You look a bit down." " No, I'm fine." "If you're worried about the audiences, don't be." "They're always a bit thin early on but they'll pick up as we get towards Christmas." "We've got the press in tonight, they'll rave about it." "It's a good show." "Oh, it is, yeah." " Can I ask your opinion about something?" " Yeah." " What do you make of Simone?" " She's fine." " Beautiful girl." " Yeah." " Lovely girl, I'm very lucky." " You are, yeah." " When is the wedding?" " We're thinking June, July." "Summer wedding." "That'll be good if, when..." "Well, it will happen, I suppose." " Congratulations again." " Oh, cheers, mate, cheers." " I can't marry her." " Why?" "What have you heard?" " Nothing." "What do you mean?" " No, what did you say?" "It's just that I've been doing a bit of thinking and I just don't think I can marry her." "It's not fair." "I mean, don't get me wrong." " Funny little switch." " Nothing wrong physically." "I'm sure." "The sex is extraordinary." "Some of the stuff she dreams up." "What is that for?" "She likes to video us and we watch it back together." "And sometimes I can't believe it's my arse going up and down." " I'm getting excited just thinking about it." " Well, think about something else, then." "It will break her heart but now I'm back on the up and up." "The papers is just the beginning." "I'll be in the full glare of the media spotlight again." " I can't put her through that." " No." " She's young." " Yeah." " She can't take that pressure." " Probably not." "Who knows what this will lead to?" "More TV, maybe even Hollywood." "I just think I'm better off letting her go now before she falls in love with me any deeper." "I think you're making the right decision and I'm so glad you said this because it's a weight off my mind." "I saw her getting off with the stagehand and that's who she's with now." "Well, I wasn't going to say anything but you..." "Oh, I wish I hadn't, but you were going to finish it anyway and I..." "You're not upset, are you?" "(KNOCKING ON DOOR)" "The house is open, gentlemen..." "Sorry." " Les, cover it up, mate." " Yeah." "I'll shut the door." "Look, Wishy, what's this?" "It looks like the magic lamp." " What do you think I should do?" " Just leave it here." "What do you think, gang?" "Should I just leave it here or should I give it a rub?" "AUDIENCE:" "Give it a rub." " What?" "Can't hear you?" " Rub it." " Rub it?" " Yes." "Okay." "If you say so, I'll rub it." "Here goes." " Blimey, what a big puff." " (CAMP VOICE) Cheeky." "Hmm." "(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)" " Who are you?" " Well, I'll be anyone you want me to be, but you can call me Genie." "How does somebody as big as you fit into this tiny lamp?" "Don't worry about it, I'm used to squeezing myself into tight holes." "Oh!" "No pain, no gain." "WISHY:" "Can you help us?" "We're in danger, the evil Abanazar is after us." " What makes you think that?" " We heard him say he wants to get Aladdin." "Don't we all?" "Abanazar has a glorious ring." "I know the line." "What's the point though, eh?" "They don't care." "Look at them." " LES:" "You lot enjoying yourselves?" " Yeah." "Yeah, well tell your faces." "And maybe some of your friends as well, get them along." "The empty seats aren't laughing much, are they?" " BOY:" "Get on with it." " You bloody get on with it." "Ignorant." "How many of you are thinking of leaving at half-time?" "Even less people here then, won't it?" "Even more embarrassing for those that have stayed." " Where do you want to go from?" " How about 1992?" "No, where do you want to go from in the script?" "I don't know." "Just do some more of the queer shit." "Let's just get through it, shall we?" "Oh, I've been in that lamp so long I'm bent out of all recognition." " Hello!" " Hi." " Come in." "Look at you." " Thank you." "Everyone, this is Maggie." "Hello, Maggie." "You know Dad." "That's Maureen and John and Barbara and Len and that's Nana." "We're just waiting for Frank and Jean." "They said they'd be here by 8:00." " What time is it dear?" " About 8:00." "Irene, fetch the Glade." "Nana's let off again." "Why don't you sit next to Nana?" " Hello, dear." " Hi." " There you go." " Thanks." "Thanks for doing this tonight on your only night off." " It's not a chore." " I was scared to be alone tonight." "Bit worried about what I might do on my own." " Well, you're not alone." " No." "We asked 100 people, "Will Les Dennis ever hang on to a bird?"" "Our survey said..." "We asked 100 people," ""Do you want to go out tonight and watch Les Dennis in panto?"" "Our survey said..." "Why don't people want to come out and see Les Dennis?" " They do." " Why don't twice as many?" "Well, because you're competing with a lot these days, aren't you?" " Internet, DVDs." " Where did it all go wrong, eh?" " Can I ask you something?" " Yeah." " You're a comedian, right?" " Yeah." " I haven't seen you make a joke in five years." " What do you mean?" "When you're on telly and stuff, when you're on chat shows or in Big Brother." "You're talking to the chickens but you're moaning about stuff." "That's the way they cut it." "There you go, moaning about stuff." "Make a joke about it." "Make a joke." "What was that impression you used to do?" "Lmpressions." "I did loads." " What was it?" " Mavis Riley, Coronation Street." " Do that." " No, I'm not doing that." " Do it." " No!" " Go on." " "I don't really know."" " That's great." " Yeah, I know." "It is good, yeah." "You need another one, she hasn't really been on telly for 15 years, but..." " Yeah." " Good." "Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm famous for more than a Mavis Riley impression and Family Fortunes." "I am famous for other things, aren't I?" "Er..." "The Les Dennis Laughter Show?" "Russ Abbot's Madhouse?" " Were you in that?" " Yeah." " Well then, if you..." " You don't remember." "Nobody remembers." "That's why I'm in a shitty little panto where the only people laughing were that bunch of gays." " Nothing wrong with gays." " I know." "But they'll laugh at anything." "No victory making a bunch of gay fellows laugh." "They'll laugh at anything." " Look at that Graham Norton." " He's all right, isn't he?" "Is he?" "Is this funny, is it?" ""Oh, look at this website about cocks and fannies!"" ""Oh, Jackie Collins, what lovely tits!"" ""Do you like a cock up your arse?" "Oh!" Is that funny?" "It is quite funny when you do it, but keep it down a little bit." " We're in a pub." " What is that?" "I want to do something more high brow." "Oscar Wilde or something." "Yeah, definitely." "He was gay." "I know, but not in the same way, he was clever." "Would this have been funny, him going through customs," ""I have nothing to declare but my genius."" ""Oh!" "And this vibrating tongue for pleasuring fannies!" "Oh!" Is that funny?" "Again, quite funny when you do it, but it's Sunday, can you keep the fannies down to a minimum?" "LIZZIE:" "Why can't I just stay in this?" "BUNNY:" "Because that is not the costume we said you'd wear." "Olivia Newton John wouldn't be seen dead in that." "Look, just do as you're told, will you?" " I'm changing, I'm changing." " It's me, it's Maggie." "Hi." "Your mum said I had to come up and have a look at all your awards" " and cups and..." " Oh." "Here they are." " Wow, look at that." " Gymnastics." " Second, second, first." " First, that one." "Lots of photographs of your dad there, doing his..." "Whatever he's doing." "I don't see any photographs of you with your friends." " Have you got any friends your own age?" " Yeah, you." "You're my best friend." " Apart from me?" " Well, all the friends downstairs." "They're all friends, they're all old friends." "They are old friends." "It looks like the cast of Last of the Summer Wine down there." "Dad said when I'm famous that I'll have all the friends I'll need." "He said I'd have too many friends." "Do you enjoy all this, though?" "I mean, really, all this dressing up and performing?" "Yeah, I love it." "But do you, though?" "Is this what you want to do or is it what your dad wants?" "Dad knows what's good for me." "I've been doing this since I was two, it's in my blood." "But it wasn't your ambition when you were two, was it?" "I mean, I think you seem to be missing out on a whole load of stuff." "Just..." "I think he's suffocating you a bit." "You're making me sad and it's my birthday." "Sorry." "(MUSIC PLAYING)" "# Anything you can do I can do better" "# I can do anything better than you" "# No, you can't # Yes, I can" "# No, you can't" "# Yes, I can" "# Yes, I can, yes, I can #" "# Well-a, well-a, well-a uh!" "# Tell me more, tell me more" "# Was it love at first sight?" "# Tell me more, tell me more" "# Did she put up a fight?" "# A-ha, a-ha, a-ha, a-ha" "# Ah-a, ah-a, ah-a, ah-a #" "# Well, you've got to speed it up" "# And then you've got to slow it down" "# 'Cause if you believe that a love can hit the top" "# You've got to play around" "# And soon you will find that there comes a time" "# For making your mind up" "# For making your mind up" "# For making your mind up" " Sorry, Dad." " Don't apologise to me." "Apologise to the audience who thought that you ruined it." "That was bad." "It was bad because we did not do enough rehearsal." " I was getting ready for my birthday." " We were all getting ready for your birthday." "Some of us found time to practise and some of us didn't because you were too busy worrying about a stupid bloody dress." "And now you have let down your public." " What is the golden rule?" " Never let down your public." "Never let down your public." "Well, you have let them down and you've let me down and you've let yourself down." "Enjoy the rest of the day." "Maybe next time you'll listen to your silly old daddy." " Maggie was right." " Why?" "What did Maggie say?" " This is weird." " I didn't say weird." "I should have friends my own age like she said." "You do look like the cast of Last of the Summer Wine." " Great show." " I want to start living my own life." "Do you know what I want to do in life?" "No, because you've never asked me." "Well, well, well." "It seems quite a poisonous element has entered our little home." " Quite a nasty little piece of work." " Can I just say..." "I think that you should go, you have done quite enough damage." "Oh, God, this is daft, this is silly..." "It's his house." "If he wants you to leave, you should leave." "Bye, Nana." "Yeah." "Bye, everybody." "Oh, I just want to say, do you mind if I take a couple of sandwiches for the train?" "I haven't eaten since 4:00 and I've got no food in the house." "Didn't think I was going to get chucked out of the party." "You should have thought of that before you fucked up my daughter's life." " Good night." " Okay." "When the laughter stops, when the audience departs, when the make-up has been removed, what is left of the clown?" "Nothing but an empty costume." "I should have listened to that." "Do you know who said that?" " Jean Paul Sartre?" " Bobby Davro." "Davvers took me aside, he said, "Beware, Les, you won't always be riding high."" "But I wasn't even listening." "I was too busy telling him some of the funny answers we get on Family Fortunes." "Have I ever told you any of those?" "Like I said to this woman," ""Name something red." She said, "My cardigan."" "How could that have been up there?" "We survey 100 people, how'd they know?" ""Name a domestic pet," this fella said, "Leopard."" " That's not domestic, is it?" " No." "No way." "What about her?" "No, I'm not interested in birds anymore." "They just bleed you dry and then they're off out the door." "Bye-bye." "She's been looking at you all night." "She's pissed up." "She's a pissed up slapper." "I'm not about to have a one night stand with a pissed up slapper just to make myself feel a bit better." "I've still got some dignity." "(LES AND WOMAN GROANING)" "(TELEPHONE RINGING)" "Hello?" "Would you rather have a bionic arm or a bionic leg?" "Good question." "Bionic leg so I could hop to work." "So would I. I'd have a bionic leg but it would be for kicking." "Actually, I tell you what, a bionic arm would come in useful some nights." " How do you mean?" " Doesn't matter." " I'm starving." "Have you eaten anything?" " No." "Can I come over and cook you something?" "It's 11:30." "And you can't cook." " Fair point." "Well, see you tomorrow, then." " Yeah." " Bye." " Bye." "WOMAN:" "Is that good?" "Is that good?" "LES: (AS MAVIS) I don't really know." "WOMAN:" "What?" "If it's up there, I'll give you the money myself." "WOMAN:" "Get off me." "(TEA FOR THE TILLERMAN BY CAT STEVENS)" "For God's sake, you bloody Yanks are all the same." "You walk round like you're John Wayne then leave us to clean up your mess." "I've got three embassies baying for blood." "I've got two dead diplomats and a partridge in a bloody pear tree." "Whitehall's running around like a bunch of headless chickens." "What exactly am I supposed to tell the Prime Minister?" "Tell him Uncle Sam's in town." "And we'll cut there, thank you." "Check the gate, we're moving on." "Sarge, those lads keep saying, "Afternoon, Cont-stable,"" "but making it sound like you know what." "What'll I do to them?" "Can I hit them?" "If I was a real copper, though," "I'd get ready like that." "I would and I'd have..." "It's all right, it's only hairspray." "I like my prisoners to look good." "Excuse me." "Can I just say I thought you were really brilliant in that scene?" "Thank you." "I didn't really do anything, I just had to hold this folder." "Which you did brilliantly." "Didn't drop it or anything." "Well, you know, that's three years of drama school for you." " Sorry, I'm Maggie by the way." " Dan." " Hi, Dan." " Hi, Maggie." "Look, I can't really talk now." "I have to..." "Oh, no, sorry." "You go and do your thing." "So, I just wanted to say that." "Thanks." " Bye." " See you." "What?" " What?" "Nothing." "Just a normal conversation." " Stop it." "He just held the file well, that's all you wanted to say to him." " Shut your face." "Going to put my pumps on." " Don't leave me." " Why?" " What if one of them talks to me?" " Well, they're only human." " He's not." "(MAGGIE LAUGHING)" " Just two minutes, right?" " Hurry up." " Quite incredible, eh?" " Huh?" " Mr Samuel L. Jackson in our midst." " No, I'm not Sam Jackson." "I can see your confusion." "We look alike." "But..." "I've hit gold, eh?" "I've found the joker in the pack." "I don't know about that." "No, I tell you what, seriously, that is great, that is mate." "That is brilliant." "That's a gift that is, the gift of laughter." " You remind me of a mate of mine." " Yeah?" "Pete Shepherd." "Used to run the launderers near me." " God, we used to have a laugh together." " Did you?" "He'd have me in hysterics every time I saw him." "He was a Chelsea fan, I supported Spurs and when we met, we'd have a chat and laugh." " Yeah." "Why are you telling me this?" " We'd have a chat and laugh every time." " Good." " One day, a couple of kids, they were messing around in his shop, and they chucked bleach in his eyes and they blinded him." "I went to visit him in the hospital." "Tears were coming out of his bandaged, frazzled, useless eyes." "And he went..." ""I don't think I'll ever laugh again."" " You know what?" " No." "I don't think he has." "I stopped going to visit him in the end, to be honest." " That cheer him up?" " Got too depressing, you know." "I only used to hang out with him because he was a laugh." "But, he just got boring." "He was miserable blind." "That's not my cup of tea." " "My eyes, my eyes..."" " Andy." " Sorry to interrupt." " No, please don't apologise." "I need someone to do a few lines sometime next week, probably not until Tuesday, it's an officer in an ID parade." " Interested in that?" " I don't mind." "Hang on, I was already seen." "I was on the desk when Sam Jackson walked past." "Yeah?" "No, I can't use you then." "Sorry, mate." " Need someone who hasn't been seen." " He hasn't been seen." " I haven't been seen." " You fancy that?" "Sam Jackson comes in, you're joking around with him and you go, "Ten to one he's going to pick Sergeant Harris again."" " With Sam Jackson?" " Yeah, you want to have a stab at that?" " Yeah?" " Yeah." " I'll let you know when." "It won't be today." " Okay." " Cheers." " All right." "Oh, bloody hell." "A line with Sam Jackson." "Cheers for that." " I owe you one." " Hey, a favour's a favour." "Don't worry." " Just take me out one night." " What?" "Take me out, on the town, one night." "Let's go and eat on the other bus." " Why?" " Nothing, no reason." "Don't need a reason." "Just let's do something out of the ordinary once in a while." " Yeah, all right." " Bit of a break from the old routine." "Whoa." "Where are you going?" "You can't come on here, it's actors only." " I am an actor." " No, you're background." " Your bus is over there." "This is for actors." " I am an actor." "No, your voucher is green, that means you're background." "Okay." "So you're judging my entire career on the colour of my voucher?" "No, I'm sure you've had major roles in other things." " He hasn't." " Shut up." " I can't let you on here." "Okay?" " Sure." "There's no one on, though." "Can I just eat here and go?" "I'll be five minutes." " I can't allow it." " No?" "You can't come on here." "You've got a perfectly good bus over there." "This bus is for actual actors." "Yeah, don't know why I asked!" "Mental!" "As if I could go on a bus meant for other people." " I don't really know him." "Can I come on?" " No." "Okay." "Pig." "Hiya." " Got any more jokes?" " I haven't." "No." " Come on, eh?" " I..." "What's ET short for?" " Don't know." " He's only got little legs." " My uncle was like you." " Was he?" "A very funny guy." "Not towards the end, though." "Not so much to laugh about towards the end." "Lost both his legs, you see." "Thrombosis." "There was very little to laugh about when he knew he was stuck downstairs." "No legs and he could hear his wife upstairs with another man having it off." "Despite the morphine, he could still hear her up there." "At it." "They reckon he died of a broken heart in the end." "Still, it's a wonderful gift that." "Laughter." "Yeah." "The gift that keeps on giving." "I've got to go and slash my wrists." "I'll see you later, all right?" "Hey, what are you doing on Saturday afternoon?" "Why?" "I thought you could come round my place, couple of lads, open a couple of cans." "I got a new DVD." "Do you know what it is?" "Vera Drake." "Tempting." "I've got to watch the game." "It's Chelsea-Man U. So, see you later." "When are we gonna go for that night out?" " What?" " I know a lovely little restaurant." "You said shall we go for an evening out and I didn't say no." " Are you going back on your promise?" " It's not a promise." " It was." " You did me a favour, which I thank you for, but I don't think it warrants a whole evening out, a candlelit meal." " What's wrong with going for a meal?" " Nothing." "But a bit weird." "What's weird about a couple of mates having a meal together?" " We're not really friends..." " But that's how we'll become friends." "I go out for meals with people that are already friends." "I don't go up to people and go, "All right, mate." "I don't know you from Adam" ""but do you want to go to Butlins for the weekend?" ""You might be a mental case but let's find out." It's mad." " Do you know what I mean?" " No." "What you..." "Oh!" " Hi." " Hello." " Hi." "It's Maggie." " Yeah, Dan." " Hi again." " Yeah." "So how long have you been in this lark, then?" "I've only been acting for a couple of years." "Done a couple of plays." "I'd like to do more films but they're hard to come by." " So, I'm just trying to get into TV." " Sure." "To be honest, there's not a lot of black faces needed on television." "No." " Crimewatch." " What?" "The reconstructions on Crimewatch." "They always need black actors." "Or white actors." "They need black actors and white actors." "Depending on who's committed the crime that day." "I mean, there's criminals, black criminals." "Certainly there's white criminals as well as black criminals." "Oh, God!" "I've just remembered I've got to go..." "Yeah, what was that again?" "It was the..." "It was a bag." "Yes, I'll see you later." "Why don't you just tell him you don't want to be his friend?" "It's too damning." "You can't say that to someone." "That is saying that you fundamentally have a problem with their personality." " What are you gonna do?" " The only honourable thing I can do." " What?" " Add him to the long list of people that I have to avoid for the rest of my life." "You can never have that time back." "I sat through a whole evening of Comic Relief once because I was..." "Sorry, excuse me." " Are you an actress in this film?" " Yeah." " You can't come on here." " Sorry?" "You can't come on here." "This bus is for supporting artists and you're an actress." " What are you talking about?" " You've got your own bus there." "And we've got our own bus." "I'm not allowed on yours, you're not allowed on mine, but you can come on." "On you go." " No." " This is pathetic." "I know." "It is pathetic, isn't it?" "But you can't come on." " Get out the way." " Look, I don't make the rules here." " You're a child." " Yeah, well, that's as may be." "We'll stick to our own, you stick to your own and then we're all happy." " He doesn't think you're a racist." " He does." "He's just seen me say to a black woman, "You're not allowed to sit on this bus."" "It's like that whole racism on a bus incident all over again." " The Rosa Parks incident?" " It wasn't in a park, it was on a bus." "Sure." "He doesn't think you're a racist." "And even if he does, which he doesn't, he's wrong because you're not." "Don't worry about it." "But what if I am and I don't know it?" "What if subconsciously, I'm a little bit racist?" " Well, there is that test I can give you." " What test?" "The racism test." "The one they give you when you join the council" " to make sure you're not racist." " I've never heard of it." " Do you want to do it?" "Just 10 questions." " Go on, then." "Right, you've got to answer just totally honestly, okay?" "Just relax, you've got nothing to worry about unless you are a racist." "Question one is who would you rather see with their shirt off?" "Brad Pitt or Sir Trevor McDonald?" " Brad Pitt, obviously." " Obviously." " What?" " No, I can't say anything till the end." "Right, question two." "This is about racial awareness." "'Cause often you catch out a real racist because they don't know or care about any black issues." "Who's the Prime Minister of Great Britain?" " Tony Blair." " Correct." "Who is the Prime Minister of Namibia?" "I don't know." "You knew the white one." "Okay, good." "Oh, dear." "Who is the Queen of England?" " Queen Elizabeth II." " Correct." "Who is the President of Djibouti?" "This is ridiculous." "I've never even heard of blooming Djibouti." "Please do not ridicule the totally valid African language." "Right, next question." "Who would you rather have waiting for you when you got home tonight?" "Johnny Depp or OJ Simpson?" " Johnny Depp because of the murder thing." " Because of the murder thing?" "I think you'll find that Mr OJ Simpson was acquitted but in your eyes 'cause he's black, he's still guilty." " People still think he is guilty." " Racist people still think he's guilty." " I'm not a racist." " I'm just going by the test." "I'm trying to get off with a black person." "Yes, but according to you, you wouldn't want him waiting for you in your house when you got home tonight." "Only because I would go, "How did you get in here?"" "Now he's breaking and entering as well." "Fascist." "Right, I'm going to go and ask him out now." " Hold on." " Watch." "Tell him you had a hate rating of 9.8, one more than Hitler." "Watch, I'm going now." "He said yes." "He is so lovely and totally amazing and I'm going out for a drink with him." " When?" " Tonight." " Well done." " I'm a wee bit nervous about this date." "Racist." " Did you get my plate?" " No." "You left it." "ANDY:" "Quick!" "Oh, very cool." "It'd be funny if you were squashed like that, wouldn't it?" "Would you rather die of the cold or die of the heat?" "Would you rather be trapped in a freezer or trapped in a microwave?" " How would you get trapped in a microwave?" " Hiya." " You going to the station?" " No." " Going back into town?" " No." " Where you going, then?" " We're just..." "We're going in here." " Really?" " Yeah." " So..." " Why?" " We're going to visit his mum's grave." " Yes." "Taking her some flowers and stuff." " You haven't got any flowers." " Not taking her some flowers." "Collecting the dead flowers from all the other visits." "That's a bit of a coincidence, isn't it?" "She's buried in the graveyard next to the studio we're working at." " Handy." "That's why we're going." " We'll see you later." "Do you mind if I come with you?" "Why would I?" "Come on." "You don't have to wait around." "I'll be about half an hour and I get quite emotional so..." "That's all right, that's not a worry." "That's not a problem, mate." "No." "I've spent a lot of time by graves." "I'm used to it." "You take your time." "Enjoy." "Yeah." "Which one is it anyway?" " Which one?" " That one." " That one." " The one with the..." "Yeah." " There she is." " Rebecca Leibovitch." "Mum." "Sounds Jewish." "I didn't know you were Jewish." "Didn't you?" "Oy!" "Yeah, oy." "Good God, died in 1953." "How old does that make you, then?" " At least 52. 52." " You're 52?" " Don't look it one bit." " No, thanks." "Hard to believe, isn't it?" "Just like it's hard to believe that we were just passing my dead mother's grave... who is Jewish." "She was born in 1893." "So she died when she was 60." "In childbirth." "They warned her." "They said, "Becky, you cannot have a kid at your age."" " But old Ma Leibovitch didn't listen." " No." " And here I am, 52 and Jewish." " Yeah." " Okay." " Why did you change your surname, then?" "Fed up with the persecution." "The usual story, isn't it?" "Enough is enough, proud race and religion." " Is your dad round here?" " No." "He's still alive." " Really?" " Apparently." " How old is he, then?" " 100." " He's doing well though for 100." " Yeah." "Do you like taking the mickey out of me?" "This fun for you, is it?" "What?" "That is not your mother's grave." " Oh, no!" " And I don't think you're Jewish." " No she pointed to that..." " Why do you keep lying to me?" " I don't keep lying to you." " Yes, you do." "You said that we were going to go for a nice meal." "Then you went back on that." "Do you think I haven't got any feelings?" "I know you've got feelings." "Which is why I thought I would avoid the issue." "I don't want to go for a meal with someone..." "You won't go for a meal with me because you hate me." " I don't hate you." " You hate me so much that you can't bear to sit opposite me, have a nibble on a bit of food in my company." " I could have a meal with you." " I know, I'm not the joker of the pack." " That's nothing to do with it." " All right, I might not be able to do that." "I'm reliable." "If I say I'll be somewhere, I'm there." "I know." "I'm quite happy to have a meal with you." "You're just saying that now because..." " No, I'd like to have a meal with you." " When?" " Any time." " Tonight?" " Not tonight." " See what I mean?" "Okay, tonight." "Tonight will be fine." "Let's have a meal tonight, okay?" "I'm looking forward to it." "Aw... poor..." "Oh, no." "Come on." "Louise, 13." "Karen, 10." "Haven't seen either of them in three months." "Word of advice, never get married." "And if you do get married, don't let your wife go to the greengrocer's on her own." " Right?" " Right." "She was going out three, four times a week." "Getting fresh fruit and veg." "I said to her, "Why don't we do one big shop?"" "No, she wasn't having that." "She was always down there." "I got suspicious, you know." "My wife's going out 8:00 at night to buy cauliflower." "Right, then." "What we having?" " Shall I order us some champagne?" " No, it's not appropriate." "We'll have a lager." "We'll have a lager each, down it and go home and watch telly." "In our separate homes." " I don't..." "What are you going to have?" " I don't know." "Cor, I just can't decide." " What a tragic couple we are." " We're not a couple." "His wife left him and I'm out shagging, regular as clockwork." "(THERE'S NOTHING LIKE THIS PLAYING)" "(CHATTING)" "There's this stallion of a horse, right, being brought on to set, and whose got to ride it?" "Me." "Okay." "All right." "So, okay, I can't go out like a chump." "So I big up my chest and I'm going to ride this horse." " I get on the horse..." " Got to go to the toilet." "Yeah, sure, yeah." " What you got there?" " Nothing." " No, you've got something." "What is it?" " No, it's fine." " Let me see." " It's nothing." "Come on, let me see." "What you got?" "It's just a golliwog... toy." " A golly toy." " A what?" "A golly toy." "Don't worry about that, though." "I mean, I have had Sambo..." "San..." "Sinbad since I was about six or seven." "He's been in the family for years." "So, I mean, that's harmless." "I think, if I was a racist," "I wouldn't be about to do what we were about to do." "Not that I know what we were about to do, but whatever you want to do I'm up for it." " Why were you trying to hide it?" " I wasn't hiding it." "I was putting it there because it puts me off." "Well, it doesn't put me off." "I was putting them altogether, all the toys together." "Because all the toys are equal." "(PUPPET VOICE) Hello." "How are you?" "Hello, there..." "Hello, there." "How are you?" "I'm fine." "I'm not a racist." "In fact, I think I fancy you." "Oh!" "Oh!" "(PUPPETS MOANING)" " I think I'm going to shoot off." " No, really?" " Yeah." " Sorry." "No, it's totally cool." "I just think the black thing's getting in the way here." "No, it's not." "Don't worry, I don't think you're a racist or anything." "I just think that it's on your mind and you can't get past it." "So, you know, we should just relax and rewind things a bit." "Okay." "Look, can I just say something?" "The black thing, it's not an issue." "I hardly notice it, really." "Maggie, it's fine." "It's cool." "Let's do something next week, shall we?" " We'll go out Friday." " Yes." " Dinner, dancing?" " Definitely." "I love dancing, me." "Are you a good dancer?" "Not that there's any reason why you should be a good dancer." "I have to..." "I'm going to go." "I'll speak to you tomorrow." " Yeah." "Okay." " All right, see you." " See you." "Okay." " Bye." "Thanks again for the wine and everything." " Okay, bye." " See you." "(DOOR CLOSING)" "Oh!" " This is delicious." "Try that." " No, what are you doing?" " Jesus, listen to that." " What?" "That big... fat hippo." "(SLURPING)" "Listen to this, right." "Nothing." "I'm two feet away." "Now, listen to him." "(SLURPING)" "Oh!" "He's driving me mental." "You really are Mr Grumpy Boots tonight, aren't you?" "I can't do this, sorry." "I can't go through with this." "I am so fed up." "I'm 43 years old and most people my age are out with their wives or their girlfriends." "I'm sat here having dinner with another middle-aged man... because I felt sorry for you." "And don't take this the wrong way," "I looked at you and I thought, "What a pathetic loser."" "And I took pity on you and that's why I came." "I'm worse off than you in many ways." "I'm lower on the chain than you." "How do you think that makes me feel?" "And I'm not having a go at you because I know you're a nice bloke." "But, I've got to go, mate, because I'm actually depressed." "Wait, I understand." "I know what you're saying." "Look..." "I got you this as a surprise." "I was going to give it to you later" " but you may as well have it now." " What is it?" "That... is two tickets for the Ben Elton musical, We Will Rock You." "What are you doing?" "Oh!" "Hm..." "See you later." "Cheers." "I've really had it with all this." "I am so fed up." " It'll be all right." " What will?" "People always say that." "What'll be all right?" "When will it be all right?" " I'm 43." "I've got nothing." " No, listen, things are looking up." "You've got a line with Samuel L. Jackson, haven't you?" " It's a start." "Please, don't be like this." " Oh, it's just..." "It's just after last night, I was..." "How was your evening?" "Any better?" "Word of advice." "If you get the most amazing, gorgeous, good looking black guy in the world back at your house, don't leave your golliwog lying around." "That's remarkable advice, cheers." "Then he caught me trying to hide it which made matters worse." "Why did you try and hide it?" "I didn't want to offend him." "And he was right 'cause the black thing was on my mind." "I didn't know whether to talk about black things or not talk about black things." "I ended up talking about what I thought he wanted to hear." "Don't pander to him just because he's black." " Lf he says, "I like reggae," and you don't..." " Which I don't." "...then say you don't." "It's not being racist." "It's having an opinion." " I'll go and have a wee word with him now." " Aye, go and have a wee word with him." " Hi." " Hey." " Can I have a quick word?" " Yes, of course." "I just wanted to say that I hate reggae." " Sorry?" " I hate reggae, I hate it." "It's slow, everything sounds the same, it's boring, I can't be doing with it." "What do you think?" " I don't particularly like reggae, either." " Right." "Well, even if you did like it, I would still hate it." " What sort of music do you like?" " Well, I like jazz." "I hate jazz." "I hate it." "In fact, do you know who I really hate in jazz?" "You know that big fat black man?" "Him with the big fat puffed out cheeks and his bulging out eyes and everything, he's like trumpet man." " Sasquatch..." " Satchmo." "Louis Armstrong." " Oh, yeah." "Hi." " Hi." " Do you hate all jazz?" " Yeah, that's just my opinion." "It's not based on anything else other than the music because I hate anybody doing it, you know, like black or white." "Sorry, we were just having a conversation about music." "Obviously, she doesn't hate jazz." "Yes, I do, but I like lots of other things, white or black." " I like you, for example." "I think you're great." " Thank you." "I don't normally watch films more than once, but I thought The Matrix, I loved it." " It was amazing." " Yes, it's a good film." " Good film, that's all she's saying." " And you were brilliant in it." "I wasn't in that one." " Wasn't in it." " Yeah, you were." " He should know." " You were in The Matrix." " He was the main one." " No." "No, I can assure you I was not in The Matrix but Laurence Fishburne was." " That's why you're confused." " I know what you're thinking." "She doesn't think you all look alike." "If that's... what you were thinking." "No, I'm just saying she doesn't..." "She's not racist." " No, sir." " No way, she's not a racist." "In fact, she's been trying to get a black guy to shag her for a few weeks so..." "That one." "Specifically." "But, I mean, it's open to all." "Not all, I mean, you... definitely." "I know you're married but, if you wanted to, you could be up her like a rat up a drainpipe." "Yeah." "Okay." "Pulp Fiction." " Are we ready for the next shot?" " Yeah, are we ready yet?" "Why are they keeping him waiting...?" " Can I see you about..." " Yeah, we're off." "We're off." "Yeah, but we can't because you've got the line with Samuel L. Jackson." "I haven't, that's the point." "I haven't got a line with Samuel L. Jackson because the line "Right up a drainpipe"." "Okay, well, cheers, everyone." "Thanks." "That's my hat there." "ANDY:" "Yeah, that's it." "Another good day being friends with you." "(TEA FOR THE TILLERMAN BY CAT STEVENS)" "To the dread rattling thunder, have I given fire and rifted Jove's stout oak with his own bolt." "The strong-based promontory have I made shake." "And by the spurs plucked up the pine and cedar." "Graves at my command have waked their sleepers." "Op'd and let 'em forth by my so potent art." "Here's one." "What would you rather be?" "Is now the best time to do this?" "Right." "Would you rather be you, with your face and your legs and the brain of a chimpanzee..." "Brilliant." "...or would you rather be a chimpanzee, but with your brain?" "I can't answer that." "It's too inane, even for you." "That's the worst one yet." "...and deeper than did ever plummet sound." "I'll drown my book." "DIRECTOR:" "And cut!" "Good." "Very good." "DIRECTOR:" "Patrick, happy?" "Okay, so we're..." "Oh, for..." " All right?" " Yeah." " Now that is acting." " Yeah, I know what acting is, Greg." "Well, you know what watching acting is." "Actually, you can watch me later." "I've got a line." ""All's lost." "To prayer, to prayer, all's lost."" " That's embarrassing." " You don't know what it means, do you?" " Not the way you did it, no." " But you don't know what it means?" " I don't care what it means so..." " You've no idea?" "No, because while you were at school swotting up on Shakespeare," "I was out living a real life, shagging birds." "You told me you didn't have sex till you were 22." " Why are you joining in?" " Interesting." "No, it's not." "You said your mum wouldn't let you bring girls home." " Why are you still joining in?" " The plot thickens." "The plot doesn't thicken because I could have been lying to her." " Calm down!" " Lf you were lying, why did you say that you lost your virginity to a woman that looked like Ronnie Corbett?" "And it's good night from me." " Rubbish." " I've got to go." "That's great." "Good luck." "I hope you have better luck with the acting than you clearly have had with the ladies." "You don't know anything." " See you later." " Bye." "I'd love to show him." "Don't worry." "You will get off with another woman." "I mean my acting career!" "I get off with birds all the time." "Sorry." "Why did you tell him about the Ronnie Corbett woman?" "I don't know." "PATRICK:" "Enter." "Oh, hi." "I'm probably going to get fired for even being here." "I'm an extra in this, but I'm an actor, really." "And, well, I'm desperate and as I said, I'm really sorry but..." "Oh, come on, don't apologise." "Sit down." "You're hustling." "Acting is a noble profession but it's a tough one." "So how are you getting yourself out there?" "Well, I'm just getting my face around in anything I can, but, you know, I suppose I'm networking, but I've written a script." "You see, writing, you see, that's the key." " I'm writing myself at the moment." " Right." "You see, as actors, the only choice we have is yes or no." "Whereas if you're writing your own material, you're creating your own opportunities." "Well, this is my thinking, yes." "I'm writing this screenplay and I find the whole process absolutely exhilarating." "What's yours about, if you don't mind me asking?" "How best to explain it?" " You've seen me in X-Men?" " Yes." "The character I am, Professor Charles Xavier, if you remember, he can control things with the power of his mind." " Yes." " Make people do things and see things." "So I thought, "What if you could do that for real?"" "I mean, not in a comic book world but in the real world." " Oh, right." " So in my film I play a man" " who controls the world with his mind." " Right." "That's interesting." "Yes." "For instance, I'm walking along and I see this beautiful girl and I think I'd like to see her naked and so all her clothes fall off." "All her clothes fall off?" "Hm." "Yes, and she's scrabbling around to get them back on again but even before she can get her knickers on, I've seen everything." "You know, I've seen it all." " Okay." "It's a comedy, is it?" " No." "It's about what would happen if these things were possible." " What's the story, though?" "What's the..." " Well, I do other stuff." "Like, I'm riding my bike in the park and this policewoman says," ""Oi!" "You can't ride your bike on the grass," and I go, "Oh, no?"" "And her uniform falls off." "And she goes, "Ah!" and she's trying to cover up but I've seen everything." "Anyway, and I get on my bike, I ride off." "On the grass." "So, it's mainly you sort of going around seeing ladies' tits." "Mainly." "And I do other stuff like, I go to the World Cup Final and it's Germany versus England and I wish that I were playing." "And suddenly I am and I score the winning goal." "They carry me into the dressing room and there's Rooney and Beckham" " and then Posh Spice walks in and..." " Her clothes fall off?" " Instantly." " Sure." " She doesn't know what's happening." " No." " But I've seen..." " Seen everything." "Again." "Good." "Is there a narrative at all?" "Is there like a story in the film or is it just..." " Well, I'm a sort of James Bond figure." " Right." "And I have to go to Iraq to rescue these hostages." "And I get there and I rescue them, but they're all women." "And they're naked because their clothes had rotted off." "But I get them into the helicopter and I'm flying the helicopter, but I can still sneak a look in the mirror and I can see everything." "You know, one of them is bending over, two of them are kissing." " They've turned lesbian?" " Because they'd been in the camp so long." "It can happen." "Well, good luck with that." "I've just written a sitcom, but I wonder if you could give it to anyone you know, you know." " Yes." " In film or TV..." " Is there any nudity in it?" " Any..." " Any nudity in it?" " Not really." " Oh." " Well, there could be." "Men or women?" " Either." " Oh." "Well, just women." " Right." " I'd need to rewrite, but... in the meantime, if you could give it to anyone in TV or film or..." "Yes, definitely." "I will make it so." "You've seen Star Trek:" "The Next Generation?" " I haven't, no." " Your wife won't let you have it on?" " I'm not married." " Oh." "Your girlfriend, then?" "I have no girlfriend." "I live alone." "You're not married, you haven't got a girlfriend and you don't watch Star Trek?" "No." "Good Lord." "You're probably wondering why I called you in for an unscheduled meeting." " Got the wrong day?" " No, not at all, no." "These are exciting times." "I know you've been busy." "I've been busy as well generating a lot of heat about your sitcom script." " Really?" " Yeah." "Took the liberty of sending the script to a production company, Picard Productions." "They sent it to the BBC comedy department, who got in touch, and there's a lot of buzz." "What, the BBC have called you?" "Yeah." "They just say, "We love the script." ""We'd like to get you in and have a meeting, a chat and brainstorm."" " Brilliant." "Who's the production company?" " You wouldn't have heard of them." "A little company called Picard Productions set up by Patrick Stewart." "I sent it to them..." " You sent it to Patrick Stewart?" " "This is dynamite stuff..."" " Recently?" " About two months ago." "No, you didn't." "I gave it to him on set." "Even if I haven't done anything towards this... please can I still have my twelve-and-a-half percent?" "Please." " Yeah, why not?" " Yeah?" "Thank you." "I mean, that's sort of the way it's done so..." "Have you thought about who could play the main character?" " I'm playing the main character." " Really?" "Are you sure?" "You're a bit of a nobody." "I'm not sure they'd cast a nobody in the main role." "Well, we'd insist." "I think the obvious choice is right under your nose." "Barry." "Yeah." "No offence, Shaun." "I'm playing the lead character." "Are you sure 'cause he's really versatile?" " I'm sure he is." " I'm not sure what it is you can do." "Barry can do all sorts." "Do your serious." "You do love me, Janine, you do." "I know you do." " Yeah." "Do your comical." " Pat, you've trodden on my foot!" "Get off!" " He's a singer as well." " # Mustang Sally #" " Loud, isn't it?" " He did a gig once without a microphone." "There wasn't a microphone there." "He turned up for this gig, there was no PA system, nothing." " Tell him." " They were going to cancel the gig." "I said, "You're having a laugh!" "I don't need a microphone." " "Microphones are for wimps."" " He said microphones are for wimps." "I belted it out, just like that, in front of what, 140-odd people." "And they were really spread out because it was a thousand-seater venue." "Lot of empty seats, didn't faze him, just went for it." "Go on, do it." "# All you want to do is ride around Sally #" " Sing it with me now!" " # Ride, Sally, ride #" " What are you doing?" " Just having a little sing-song." "I'm doing the lead in this, okay?" "I'm playing the lead character." "That's it, I don't want to discuss it." " Are you sure?" " Yes." "I don't know..." "You've never struck me as a funny bloke." "Sorry?" "You always come in here and you're really negative and a bit..." "Doesn't that tell you something?" "I know what you're saying but I don't get Barry any work and he's happy." " Not entirely happy." " Calm down, mate." "Giving it all this in front of a client." "If you've got an issue, have a meeting with me." "You've been hanging around with him too much, giving it this." " Hi, hello." " Hi." " Lain Morris, Head of New Comedy." " I'm Andy." "This is my agent." " Darren Lamb." "Nice to meet you." " Hello." "Nice to meet you." "Good." " Okay, well, take a seat." " Thank you." "Okay, we're just waiting for one more person." "I want you to meet Damon Beesley." "He's a producer here, but he's also a great writer and he's a script editor and I'd like to... (HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER)" "Room for a small one?" "Cheeky, you started without me." "Not for the first time." "What's he been saying?" "It's all lies." "Lucky for you, I haven't said anything at all." " Andy, this is Damon." " Hi." "Oh, bloody hell, we're not worthy, we're not worthy." "Je t'aime your script." "I wet myself laughing." "At last, some real talent at the BBC." " Cheers." " He's happy." "Where are we?" "I just wanted to find out where you see this project going." " BBC 1." " No, I don't actually." " BBC 3?" " No, BBC 2." "I think that's just really good for comedy." "I think if you come up with a new project on BBC 1, you've got to really water it down, you know?" " I don't want a laughter track." " No laughs." " There'll be laughs." " There'll be big laughs." "But I just want it to be..." "I don't want it to be a comedy aimed at people without a sense of humour." "I want people to be able to think about it." "I don't want it filmed in front of a live studio audience." "Unless you guys disagree with that, in which case we can change all that." " Just do whatever you want to do." " No." "No, there's no need to do that." "What I would say, though, is because this is your first project," "I would like you to initially write with someone else." " He will write with anyone." " I won't." "He will not write with anyone, that's a deal breaker." "No." "I'd like to write it myself just because it's based on my own experiences, really." "The character is based on a boss I used to work for." "And I just generally think the best things are auteured." "Turd?" "No?" "All right, I'm happy for you to write it yourself but I would feel happier getting Damon just to work with you as script editor." "Someone to bounce ideas off, just tidy up the first script." "I think it's a bit flabby." "Yeah, it's just a bag of ideas at the moment, but yeah, fine." "I think the best thing to move this forward is to get you two together in a little room." " Oh!" " Shh!" "Inappropriate at a meeting at the BBC, that." " Okay, that would be great." " Okay." "Okay, let's talk cash because, as you know, this script is piping hot." " So we're looking for big bucks." " We don't need to talk cash now." "We need to talk a little bit about cash." "Just get some money up front for, you know, supplies, pencils." " I could probably find you a computer." " You happy with a computer?" " Yes." " He's happy with that." "We'll go with that." "Okay, good." " You sure you're happy?" " Yes." " Thanks." " Great." " Thank you very much." " Nice to meet you." "# Celebrate good times, come on #" "Did you get it?" "Oh, brilliant." " Oh, well done!" " Oh, yes." "Someone's celebrating." "What, a wealthy old relative popped her clogs, has she?" "No." "So why am I celebrating?" "Could be because of the TV show the BBC have just given me." " TV show?" " Yeah, pilot for a sitcom." "So..." " What sitcom?" " The sitcom I wrote." " You're not funny." " Well, the BBC beg to differ." " What's it about?" " It's about my old boss I used to work for." "Write about what you know." "I'd just like to say I've got something for you, just to say thanks for all the great times." "Just a few crumbs from the table." "Share the wealth." "I am devastated, really, to be leaving you lot behind." "We've had such great..." "Especially you, Julie." " Lucy." " Whatever." "Shouldn't you be in costume?" " I am in costume." " Yeah?" "Why did we never..." "And you, will you please call me?" " I haven't got your number." " Yeah, 079... (MUMBLING)" " 07 what?" " Listen up. 0793334..." "All the threes, put them all in otherwise it doesn't work." "And in a particular order." " Get it off Julie..." " Lucy." " Whatever." " I haven't got your number." " I'll text it to you." " You haven't got my number." "I know, but I'll work it out." "Then we'll all have it, won't we?" "Then we can arrange the camping trip we've always talked about." " Anyway, I'll see you later." " Yeah, okay." "Bye." "See you later, man." "You all right?" "You look a bit pale." "Could you get some rouge for Greg?" " I'm fine." " You all right?" "You look a bit sick." "(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)" "I think structurally, we're all higgledy-piggledy-pew and I think we can get to the boss coming in quicker and set him up straight away." "Well, we could start with him actually walking in to work, in the first scene." "He just actually comes in and that's when you see him." "The real Ray used to come in to work every day without fail." "He'd just walk up to someone and say something like," ""Have you done those invoices?" And they'd go, "No."" "And he'd go, "Is he having a laugh?" "Are you having a laugh?"" "(LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)" "Brilliant." "We're having that." "That's super, that's funny." "Do it again." "That's what he used to do, just go up to someone and go every time, "Is he having a laugh?" "Are you having a laugh?"" "That's great." "That will be a catchphrase." " I'm not sure about catchphrases." " No, it'll be great." "People can say it. "Is he having a laugh?" "Are you having a laugh?"" " I just think catchphrases are too easy." " Are you having a laugh?" "I think it could get a little bit annoying after a while." "Do you fancy a coffee?" "I haven't had one in about 20 minutes." "Shall I get one from upstairs or do you fancy one from Costa's?" " It might take me a bit longer." " That one, then." "Are you having a laugh?" " Oh, hello." "Can we help?" " Hi." "It's my friend Maggie." "Come in." " This is Damon." " Oh, you cow, I love your bag." "Oh, thank you." "I'm just off on a cappuccino run, do you want one?" "No, it's fine." "I'm just here for a wee minute." "Okay, well, lovely to meet you." "See you again, hopefully." " Bye for now." " Bye." "DAMON:" "Oi, Bowker, you poofter!" " Welcome to our world." " Look at you." " Take a seat." "Take a letter." " I will." "(MAGGIE GIGGLES EXCITEDLY)" " Are you well?" " Yeah, well, you know." "Got my health." " But listen, how's it going here?" " He's doing my head in." " Who?" " Who?" "Who?" "Who do you..." "The owner of this monstrosity." "Quentin Crisp who just skipped down the corridor going, "I want a cappuccino."" "Oh, he's too gay, he's too gay." " What do you mean?" " No one needs to be that gay." " What do you mean he's too gay?" " He's a cliché of a gay." "If I was doing Give us A Clue and the clue came up "A gay bloke", I'd do him." " Unbelievable." " Well, that's just a wee bit homophobic." "It's not homophobic." "No, I don't care how much arse sex he has." "But why does he have to be that camp?" "Screaming and clapping." "When does that happen?" "When do you suddenly think, "Well, I prefer a nice little saveloy" ""to a battered cod so I'd better walk like this."" " I liked him." " Of course you do." " Women like you love the gays." " What do you mean, women like me?" "Wrong side of 30, six out of ten for looks." "You've got someone to go to the disco with, haven't you?" "And you walk in with him and you go, "No, I'm not sharking, I've got a bloke."" "But if a bloke comes up that you fancy, you go, "Oh, him?" "He's just my gay friend."" " Perfect." "It's a safety net." " Six out of ten." " Yeah." " Is that all I get?" "Six out of ten?" " I don't know..." " Look me in the eye and say six out of ten." "Shall I look you in your wonky eye or your good eye?" "I have got one eye a wee bit higher up than the other one." " See you." " Bye." "I was going to ask you, how are you getting on with Andy?" "He's lovely, isn't he?" "He's very talented." "Very funny script." "You've not run into any of his funny little ways?" " No." " Well, he can be quite odd sometimes." "I just wanted to let you know that he is like that with everybody." " How do you mean?" " Well, like noise." "He's got this thing about noise." "Like, I've seen him at a restaurant, somebody at the table nearby is cutting their meat too loudly and he's getting himself all annoyed about it." "Oh, note to self." "Cut meat quietly." "Yes." "And you might find you might want to just tone it down a little bit." " Tone what down?" " Well, you're quite camp, which is great, but I think maybe sometimes he thinks you're too gay." "Did he say that?" "Yeah, but I mean, he wasn't being nasty about it." "I just think..." "Oh, no." "I've said the wrong thing." "I shouldn't have, should I?" "No, no, I'm fine." "I'm glad you told me." "Oh, good." "Thank God for that." "I thought I'd put my foot in it by telling..." " Not at all." " Okay." " Well, it was lovely to meet you." " Absolutely." "Lovely to meet you." " See you again." " I'll take it on board." "Bye." "You have one message." "Message one." "(BEEP)" "Hello, dear." "It's your daddy here, er..." "with your mummy." " Erm... nothing important." " MUM:" "Oh, give it to me." "Hello, dear." "Great news about Andy." "We're so pleased for him." "And it just got us thinking that maybe you should try and do something with your life." "I mean, your dad and I aren't expecting anything spectacular." "We were just thinking maybe a wee job you could be proud of." "You know, we love you so much, we hate to think of you growing old and being poor and living in squalor and dying a spinster." "So, just give us a call to put our minds at rest that you're not just frittering your life away, would you?" "Okay?" "And if things get any worse, you can always come back home." "We've still got your room." "DAD:" "Well, it's sort of my study now." "MUM:" "We could easily squeeze in a tiny wee single bed." "All right then, give us a call, sweetheart." "Bye for now." "DAD:" "Bye dear." "Bye." "(SIGHING)" "Okay, great." "Well, I love the changes." "I think this is looking great." "Well done." " Oh, thank you." " I think we're ready to move things forward." "I'd like to shoot a non-broadcast pilot with a view to making a series." "Oh!" "Okay, thank you." " All right." " Brilliant." "So, are you happy with the way things have gone so far?" " Definitely." " You happy working with Damon?" " Definitely." " No problems with the working relationship?" " Nothing you want to discuss?" " No." "Okay." " I'm not too gay for you, then?" " Damon." "I'm sorry." "I said I wasn't going to say anything but he's lying through his teeth." "Excuse me." "Your friend, Maggie, is it?" "She told him what you said about him." " What did I say about him?" " That he's too gay." " Oh!" "No." "She's an idiot." "She's an idiot." " So you didn't say that?" "Yes, but he wasn't meant to hear it." "It concerns me if you're so homophobic, you couldn't work with a gay person..." "No, no, no, no, I'm not homophobic." "In fact, I actually said to her," "I said, "I don't care how much arse sex he has..." ""he's just too..." What was it?" "I can't remember what I said." "You're aware that I'm gay?" "Didn't..." "Well, no, you didn't..." "And you don't make a song and dance." "You don't go," ""Ooh, hello!" "I'm..."" " No, I didn't." " I'll stop you there." "Go on." "What concerns me is we've all got to work together and if this is where we are when we've only just started, where the hell are we going to be a month or so down the line?" "It won't be a problem because I'll just apologise to Damo." "Everyone gets wound up with the people they work in close proximity with." "Little things wind you up, so it doesn't matter." "It's not a case of being straight or gay." "It's my neuroses and I'll just, you know..." "Do you think you could put your hang-ups and your neuroses on hold?" " Yes." " He won't be around for long." " What, AIDS?" " Sorry?" "Is it AIDS?" "No." "I mean the pilot will only take a couple of months." "Oh, yeah." "Right." "Listen, talk to Damo, I'll talk to him." "We'll see where we are and if we feel we can go forward with this project or not." "We can..." "Okay, I'll talk to him." "I'll talk to him now." " Okay, good." " Okay." " Okay, I'll go and talk to him." " All right, bye." "(KNOCKING ON DOOR)" " Hello." " Hi." "Do me a favour." "Stay out of my business." " Andy, what?" "Come in." " I may have lost the pilot thanks to you." " Why?" " Why?" "Because you stuck your nose in where it wasn't needed." "Telling Damo I thought he was too gay." "What were you thinking?" "I was thinking that you were stressed and I just wanted to help you." "That's helping me, is it?" "I just can't believe your stupidity sometimes." "Andy, don't be like this, I can't cope." "I'm having a bad time at the moment." "Sorry." "What's a bad time for you?" "Tie-dyed the wrong T-shirt?" "You lost a kooky broach?" "I was just about getting to where I wanted to be and you may have fucked it up." " I've been grovelling all day at the BBC." " What do you mean?" "I've got a meeting there at 4:00, they may pull the plug." "Imagine if they pull the plug, how am I going to look you in the face again?" " Do you want me to say something?" " You're not listening." "I'm sorry, Andy." "I don't know what you want me to say." " I was just trying to help you." " I don't want you to help me anymore." "I want you to stop living like a child, floating through life like everything's okay until it actually affects someone, okay?" "So really, my advice to you is, you've got to grow up." "Clean up, just sort your own mess out before you get involved in my life, really." " Do you want to follow me?" " Yeah." "It's unfortunate we've ended up in this position, Andy." "I'm not going to speak for Damon." "Damon, come on." " Well, things were said that were very hurtful." " Yeah." "But your apology means a lot to me." "So, if you're happy to work with me, then I'd like to carry on working with you." "Definitely." "Definitely." "Yeah." "I'm such a huge fan of this project." " I'm a big fan of yours, so..." " Great." " Happy?" " Definitely." " Water under the bridge." " Wonderful." "Okay, let's get some dates sorted and get the ball rolling on his project." " Yeah." " Come on, silly." "Huggy Bears." "DAMON:" "Now." "Okay?" " Do you want one?" " No." " Just normal?" "Okay, brilliant." "Okay, thanks." " Yes." "Cheers." "Cut." "Great." "Thank you." " See you." " See you." "That's me done." " Oh, I'll see you soon." " Yeah, bye." "Maggie." " Hi." " You all right?" "Yeah." " And you?" " Yeah." "Here, look." "Okay, now." "PATRICK:" "Hello, Maggie." " Hello." " This is Patrick Stewart here." "And the reason you're hearing my rich, sexy voice is that Andy is not man enough to apologise himself, even though he knows he's in the wrong." "That's why he's asked me to do it for him." "Please, look at his fat, expressionless face." "He doesn't mean any of the things he said and he knows you don't have a malicious bone in your body" " and were just trying to help." " Thank you." "If you can find it in your heart to forgive him, then please... make it so." "Have you seen Star Trek:" "The Next Generation?" "Er, no, I haven't, actually." "Never mind." "Incidentally, Maggie, are you an actress?" "Because I'm writing a film and I'd love you to be in it." "Okay." "No, she can't." "Okay, thanks." "Cheers." " What was that about a film?" " You don't want any part of it, trust me." " Your hair looks really nice." " Shut your face." " What?" "It does." " Well, thanks." " The pilot's fine, by the way." " Thank God for that." "I just wanted to let you know that I have taken on board all that stuff that you were saying about growing up." " Oh, don't please, shut up." " Well, I have." " Oh, don't." " Well, you know what I mean." " Well, I'm mortified." " No, I know, but you were right." "I wasn't right." "You're about the most grown-up person I know." " I'm sort of the only person you know." " You win by default." "Correct." "I'm really sorry." "Can you let go of my hand, please?" "Of course." "Aren't my hands lucky?" "'Cause that would ruin everything, wouldn't it?" " He's quite a nice one, though, isn't he?" " He's fine." "I've been working up to saying hello to him for the last couple of days." " Sure." " What do you think?" " You know what I think." " What?" "I think you're a tart." "Go on, then." " Work your magic." " Yeah, I will." "I'll see you later, yeah?" " See you." " See you." "ANDY:" "That was quick." "I couldn't think of anything witty to say." "He was on the phone anyway." "ANDY:" "What would you rather do... (MAGGIE LAUGHS) Go on, then." "Wake up and your teeth have sort of fallen out, wake up and your hair's fallen out, or wake up and your toes have fallen off?" "(MAGGIE LAUGHING)" "Er... what, is my hair gone for good?" "(TEA FOR THE TILLERMAN BY CAT STEVENS)"