"Kirstie is recorded in front of a live studio audience." " You were wonderful." " Thank you." "She meant me." "Thank you for coming." " Can I get a picture?" " Over here, Madison!" " Frank speaking." " Maddie freezing." "Where the hell are you, Frank?" "It's 10 degrees out here." "I can't feel my face, and it's not the Botox." "I'm two minutes away." "I just got a little held up." "Frank, you're not taking people on tours in the backseat of my car again, are you?" "No, I'm stuck in traffic, right in front of the fabulous Radio City Music Hall, home of the world-famous Rockettes." " Frank!" " I'm gonna be there in a minute." "Should I pick you up anything at the world-renowned Carnegie Deli?" "Frank, you listen to me." "I want you here when I'm ready." "Bring me a corned beef." "Oh, oh, that's my phone." "That's my phone!" "Ow, my eyes!" "Why would you pepper-spray me?" "I was just giving it back to you." "You weren't pepper-sprayed." "You were Chanel-ed." "You're Madison Banks, right?" "That depends." "Are you litigious?" "No, but I'm pretty sure I'm the kid you gave up for adoption 26 years ago." "Ow, son of a bitch!" "Season 1, Episode 1 "Pilot"" " Thelma, Thelma." " Relax." "Frank called, and he told me you were bringing home a guest." "I set the lights in your room to make you look as alluring as possible." "They're off." "No, no, Thelma, something really weird happened." "Whoa, not bad." "You're what they call back home "lottery rich."" "This is your date?" "You're seeing the eye doctor tomorrow." "Hi, I'm Arlo." "Arlo Barth." "I'm Thelma Katz, Miss Banks' personal assistant." "Oh, sorry." "My hands get real sweaty when I'm nervous." " Actually, all of me does." " Oh." "Don't touch my back." "Arlo, Arlo, come here." "Why don't you go in the kitchen?" "My personal chef will make you anything you want." "You have a personal chef, a driver, and an assistant?" "You're like a white Oprah." "Did you tell her yet?" "Isn't it incredible?" "Tell me what?" "That kid who came in with her, he came out of her." "Okay, hold it." "You mean, that schmiel in the kitchen..." "That's the baby you gave up for..." "Whoa, wait a minute." "Thelma knew that you had a kid that you gave up for adoption, but you didn't tell me?" " What gives?" " Frank, you're my driver." "We have a professional relationship." "Professional?" "I cut you out of your spanx every night in that car." "Maddie, that kid you brought home, he just told me he's the one you gave up for adoption." "Oh, the cook knows too." "Well, apparently, I'm good enough to hold your weed in the airport but not your secrets." "God, I'm hyperventilating." "Thelma, do that thing you do to calm me down." " What thing?" " With the glass and the alcohol." "This isn't happening." "Maybe it's not even him, right?" "I don't know." "He's got your boobs." "Just calm down, okay?" "Let's just figure this out." "We gonna kill him?" "Why would we kill him?" "Well, I'm just saying I used to drive for 50 Cent." "I know how this movie goes." "Oh, oh, here you are." "I got lost and ended up in a workout room." "I have a workout room?" "So, Arlo, let me see how I can put this delicately." "Are you some scumbag con man looking for a quick payday?" "Look, I get it." "You want proof." "I figured you would." "Here are the papers." "I didn't even know I was adopted." "I just found them in my mother's things after she passed away last month." "Oh, I'm so sorry." "Say something nice." "Dead mom?" "What are you gonna do?" "Would you excuse us for a sec?" "I can't believe she has a kid." "So what's she like?" "Is she a cool boss?" " Whoa, whoa, is that..." " Chill, brother, it's medicinal." "Don't tell your mother, but I'm half blind." "Oh, please, let it not be him." "I don't know the first thing about raising a child." "Although I did play Mary Poppins to rave reviews." "I hate to tell you, Maddie, but these adoption papers look legit." ""I relinquish all rights to my child." "Love and light, Madison Banks."" "Oh, no, no, no, no, no." "It can't be him." "Look at me." "I'm pretty." "Oh, wait a minute." "I just remembered something." "The baby had a very specific birthmark." "Great." "Where is it?" "Yes, sir, that's your baby." "Oh, my God, you are him." "This is blowing my mind." "You're my biological mother." "You know, I think we have the same nose." "Not unless we have the same surgeon." "Oh, before I forget, I've got something for you." "Oh, my God, this is his revenge." "He's got a gun!" "No, it's just a gift I made." "He's twisted." "I like him." "I'll just open this a little later." "So are you into Civil War reenactments?" "I do those, like, once a month." "At the battle of Gettysburg, I played dead for 13 hours." "The trick?" "Eyes open, no blinking." "Yeah, exactly like that." "You know, Arlo, I'm not exactly sure what you're looking for." "Do you have any questions you'd like to ask me?" "Yeah." "Why'd you give me up?" "At least he didn't ask for a kidney." "I figured you got pregnant in high school and were too young to handle a child, so with tears in your eyes, you made the toughest decision of your life." "Close." "I was 24, and I'd just been offered the lead in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, and I wanted to be a star." "But with tears in my eyes," "I made the toughest decision of my life." "Oh, and my father?" "Oh, could have been any number of guys in a summer stock production of Jesus Christ Superstar." " Any number?" " Well, not any number." "There were only 12 apostles." "So, Arlo, tell us about you." "Well, I live in Trenton, New Jersey, and I work at The Glazed Hole." "Is that a gay bar?" "The gays love me." "No, it's a doughnut shop." "Doughnuts love her too." "So that's it?" "That's your life, working at the glazed hole?" "I guess." "I mean, not everyone's meant to be a star." "Some people just live and then die." "Oh, Arlo, look." "I had a lot of doors slammed in my face when I was starting out." "My Tony..." "Is that the right position?" "Perfect." "But what I'm saying is that I believed in myself." "I knew I had something inside me." "Like she said, it could have been any number of guys." "The point is that Wednesday night," "I am opening in my 14th Broadway show, and I didn't have to sleep with anyone for the last five." "Yeah, five." "I've never even been to a Broadway show before." "Do you think I could come and see it?" "Oh, and I was wondering if next week, you wanted to come out to Newark to watch me in the battle of Chancellorsville." "Newark...?" "And I know it's a long shot, but since you're a celebrity," "I was hoping maybe you could pull a couple strings and get us on Family Feud." "Oh, Arlo, I'm gonna be really, really busy with this play for a while, so you know what?" "Why don't we just stay in touch?" " Oh, um, okay." " Okay." "Oh, and if you have any more questions for me, here's my autobiography." " Well, uh, thanks." " Take care." "You're unbelievable." "You treated him like he was one of your fans." "That is your kid." "That chapter of my life was over long ago." "I'm not revisiting it." "You know, I still remember the day that I handed him over to the social worker, and I kept thinking to myself, this is when you can change your mind and take him back." "And I didn't." "I'm not a mother." "Mm, excuse me." " Hey!" " Holy crap." " Thelma, it's back." " The herpes?" "No, Arlo." "He's here." "And these are my best friends." "It's not the time for a sweaty, doughnut-making skeleton to fall out of my closet." "Maybe he hasn't lit the world on fire yet, but I think that boy is a diamond in the rough." "Go on, open the door." "So, Arlo, what brings you here, past two doormen and a security camera?" "Is this a bad time?" "I left my backpack here last night." "By the way, I love your hair." "You look just like Marge Simpson." " Um, are you having a party?" " No, I'm not having a party." "Bye, Maddie." "Great party." "Cool, I get to meet all your friends." "It's not really a party." "It's more of a business meeting." "Oh, thanks." "Oh, look, Frank, Arlo's here." "Hey, kid." "Great to see you." "I'm telling you, I can still kill him." "Arlo, let's go in the kitchen." "Wow, these tiny beans are a little salty, but I'm digging 'em." " Great." "They're $300 an ounce." " Worth it." "Who is this young man?" "I don't recall seeing you at any of Maddie's parties." " Jeffrey Sheppard, actor." " Arlo Barth, reenactor." "And how do you know Maddie?" "He's my..." "hey, that fat girl looks drunk." "Where?" "Uh, I'm getting kind of a weird vibe." "Do you not want me here?" "Oh, don't be silly." "It's just, you're not quite dressed for the occasion, but I have this jacket for you to wear." " But this is a waiter's jacket." " And you make it work." "I'm not stupid, you know." "I can see what's going on here." " You're embarrassed by me." " Embarrassed...?" "Listen, I'm starting to think that this whole thing was a dumb idea." "Maybe we should just go back to not knowing each other." "It was interesting meeting you." "What?" "He wanted to go, and he's leaving with $2,000 worth of caviar in his belly." "Not such a sad story." "Maybe we should kill her." "Wow, "The Glazed Hole" makes it sound fancier than it is." "Excuse me?" "Hello...?" " Hello?" " I hear you." "I'm not ready yet." "Eh." "Tanya, I finished cleaning out the..." "What are you doing here?" "Arlo, after you left last night, I felt just terrible." "That's why I drove all the way out here to apologize." "Uh, you had Frank drive." "Yes, but my seat warmer was broken, so I could barely sleep comfortably." "I opened the gift you gave me." "Thank you for the mother's day card." "I've never gotten one before." "Or given one." "FYI, your grandmother's a bitch." "It's too late for this." "I'm working." "Yeah, that grease isn't gonna skim itself, lard ass." "Hey, you cannot talk to him like that." "That's my..." "You know, he's my..." "Son." "T-word is "son." You can't even say it." " Just go." " Arlo, please." "So you're the famous actress I never heard of who put Captain Sweaty up for adoption." "I can't say I blame you." "That boy is pitiful." "Hey, you're not allowed back here." "Yeah, but you have something right there." " Where?" " Right here." " Now it's gone." " Are you crazy?" "Get this drag queen off of me!" "Get off of me!" "Bring it, RuPaul!" "Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing?" "I'm standing up for you." "Where do you get off trying to play mother when it's convenient for you?" "You wouldn't even tell your friends who I was." "Arlo, you don't understand." "This isn't easy for me." "My friends think I'm 36." "Not easy for you?" "What about me?" "I meet the woman who gave me up when I was born, and then she gives me up again." "I don't even know why I care." "You're just this rich snob who's so lonely, she has to pay her employees to be her friends because she has no one else in her life." "Well, you know what?" "You could have had someone else, but you didn't want him." "Okay, your total comes to $160.28." "Hey, here's another one." "Here we go." "I can't go on tonight." "All I can think about is Arlo." "Get my understudy." "You mean your understudy who's ten pounds lighter and ten years younger?" "I can't really do that to my fans, can I?" "Let me make you some tea." "You are so good to me." "Can I ask you a question, Thelma?" "Are you my friend, or do you just do all these things because I pay you?" "Oh, honey." "Both." "Maddie, where's this coming from?" "It's just been in my head." "Look, you've got to pull yourself together." "This is the opening night." " You need your head in the game." " I know." "I just so blew it with Arlo." "I just wanted him to give me another chance, and now I'll never see him again." "Front row, in the box, stage right." "What?" "How did you get him?" "Frank and I went to his place, and I just told him he can't give up on you." "You're a diamond in the rough too." " So he's forgiven me?" " Well, not quite." "Took some arm-twisting to get him here, but he's not very strong." "The rest is up to you." "You know, Owen, I'm not half the woman I used to be." "And I'm not half the drinker I used to be." " So, darling, do you have any regrets?" " None." "Then let's get the honeymoon started." "Wait!" " I have a regret." " No, I don't think you do." "Yeah, I do." "20... 26 years ago, I gave up something, and I think about that loss every single day," "and I'm so sorry." "I'm not very good at this mothering thing, but I think I might be able to get better." "But I could at least be a good friend." "And by good friend, you mean wife, so let's get the honeymoon started." "Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!" "All I'm asking for is a second chance." "I think that you and I could have something really special." "I think so too!" "I'm willing to try, if you are." "I am!" "Who is that?" "That is my son." "Oh, this is the first time we ever hugged." "I can feel your heart beating." "And I can feel your back sweating." "And I'm okay with that." "And now I'm not." "And listen, you inspired me." "I quit my job." "You're right." "I was meant for better things than the glazed hole." " Yes, you are." " I have no idea what those things are." "But that's okay." "I'm gonna help you." "I'm gonna make you my project, and not like that school in Africa." "I'm gonna finish you." "Well, we've got some of the early reviews." "Okay, Theater Mania called you "Bigger and harder than ever."" "Wait a minute, sorry." "That's a pop-up Viagra ad." " I got The Times." " I can't listen." "They're gonna crucify me for that onstage meltdown." ""Worst case scenario is both frothy and delicious."" "Did you hear?" "They called me "Frothy and delicious."" " Oh, my God, we got away with it!" " Yeah!" "Got away with it?" "You're in a big, fat hit." "All right!" "Come on, kid, you're coming to your first opening night party." " By the way, you got a suit?" " Union or Confederate?" "Oh, my God, we're a hit." "Do you know what this means?" " I can stop putting booze in your tea?" " No, keep doing that." "It means that I am a successful working mother trying to have it all." "I am so gonna score the cover of People." "Suck it, Angelina Jolie."