"She's already taken a whole box of tests." "She's gonna take another one." "You're humiliating her." " Silas, she's fine." " She's pregnant!" "We're going to confirm that." "Why do you have a home pregnancy test?" "Do you want me to kill you?" "I can't pee." "Drink some water." "I was just asking a question." " I ask the questions." " Alright." " I'm the mother." " Okay." " How did this happen?" " You don't wanna hear it." "Oh, but I really do." "If I had to bet, I'd tell you it was 3 weeks ago in my room, doggystyle, when I pulled out the condom was gone." "Megan has really strong muscles, must have sucked it..." "Stop!" "Stop!" "Stop!" "You asked." " Wanna be the cool mom." " No." "No, I don't." "Million things in this world I wanna be." "Cool mom... nowhere on that list." "I hope grandma is on that list." "This is all so exciting." "Isn't this exciting?" "It's exciting!" "Are you nervous about the audition?" "A little." "There's nothing to be nervous about." " Hodes?" "Isabelle Hodes?" " She's right here." "Hey." "Do your best." " Hello." " You're late." "I'm running for elected office, Dean." "Believe it or not, I have better things to do." "I have a job interview." "For a job, Celia, which we need so we can afford your campaign." "Of course, who's rejecting you today?" "Just try to make sure our daughter gets out of here with some modicum of self-esteem." "Try not to get tazered this time." "Your girl is in there right now." "That's wonderful." " You want a maple bar?" " No." "No, thank you." "I'm getting a corn syrup contact high just sitting here." "I'm comfortable in my skin." "I want my clothes to reflect what's within." "Good things come in big packages." "The bigger, the better, the Huskaroo sweater." "Excuse me." "Huskaroo lets you be you." "Huskaroo lets you be you." "Isabelle!" "Mom?" "She's fantastic!" "This is us." "These are our pot growing armenian neighbors." "10 houses on this block, 4 of them growing." "How in the fuck, fuck, fuck, does that happen?" "Hey, can I ask you for your pen?" "I love the smell of Sharpies." "Oh, did you ever smell dry erase markers?" "Hey!" "Don't any of you people fucking get it?" "We just opened up a Burger King in the middle of fucking MacDonald's." "Except Ronald is this tracksuit wearing motherfucker named bizarre with a last name who's like a eye chart ready to cut your dick off and mail it on 4 different directions." "We're butt naked in front of George Bush with our dick in his daughter's mouth." "Enough with the dicks." "What if those houses accidentally burned down?" "Okay, no thank you." "No thank you." "We got a house full of plants, Lacey." "We need to pack 'em up in soil." "Rent us some U-Haul and get the fuck out." "We have to move." "Can we at least hire the guys outside of Home Depot to move us?" "I've got a lower lumbar pain." "We're not going anywhere." " I don't believe that you heard me." " I heard you dicks and MacDonald's." "We've as much right to grow pot in our rental house as they do." "We're staying." "I'll take care of it." "British port, Connecticut." "Lifeguarding." "Charlie?" "Lawrence?" "Ellen?" "No?" "No." "I wanna talk to them by myself." "Oh." "Okay." "It's gonna be great." "Text message me right after, okay?" "Here you go." "What's this?" "New bakery." "New location." "Under the X." "You're opening a bakery in a residential cul-de-sac." "A special kind of bakery." "Special how?" "Special in that we won't necessarily bake anything there." "What are you going to do in this bakery if you do not bake?" "We're going to... that is to say we're already... growing." " Growing?" " I grow." "That is special." "You didn't tell me about this in Las Vegas." " You're mad?" " This is visionary idea, Mrs. Botwin." " You're mad." " Something like that." "The circles, these are..." "Other visionaries." "Hostile visionaries." "I'm wondering what you think about it." "I'm thinking this wasn't one of my vows." "Silas got his girlfriend pregnant." " Doggystyle." " What?" "They're telling her parents today." "I should be at home waiting for him but I can't 'cause I have this problem." "I have fires in 2 houses, Mr. Botwin." "Mr. Scottson." " I gotta get back to work." " Oh." "Go be a mom." "Chedarella." "No crust." "So..." "I don't know." "She wanted to do it alone." "I said okay." "But she hasn't messaged me yet." "She's probably dealing with a lot right now." "Maybe they took her phone." "Yeah, maybe that's it." "Water's nice." "I told Andy and Shane." "Do you wanna talk?" "No." "Are you sure?" "We went upstairs in this big building." "And after my uncle paid her," "Jade took me into a room and told me to take off my pants." "Shut up!" " No way!" " Way!" " Did you do it?" " I did." " You took your pants off?" " I did." " No way!" " Shut up!" "Shhh!" "How long did it last?" "I'd say 45 seconds." " Shut up!" " No way!" "That's awesome!" "We're supposed to be studying!" "Study this!" "Bitches gotta learn." "You guys wanna see what she looked like?" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "My uncle likes Cindy." "But I had Jade." "I got some on my knee and she wiped it off with a warm towel." "Oh, Chedarella!" "Botwin house." "Not here, ma'am." "Try back later." "What?" "Shane?" "We have reason to believe that Shane was abused by a masseuse." " Here at school?" " No, not at school." "At a massage parlor." "And if I'm to believe the conversation I overheard with his friends, he's suggesting that his uncle took him to this establishment." " His uncle?" " You." "What?" "Me?" "Come on." "What kind of man would take a prepubescent boy to a massage parlor?" "An irresponsible, morally bankrupted degenerate!" "Is that why you pulled me out of the Yeshiva to tell me?" "Yeshiva?" "Yeah, at Amadrash la Torah where I'm a full time rabbinical student." "We're taught to contemplate, ask questions and exercise restraint before reaching conclusions." "And only then and with religious trepidation, do we attempt to interpret." "What are you saying, Mr. Botwin?" "What am I saying?" "I'm saying... he made it up!" "He wanted to look cool in front of his friends." " He made it up?" " Shane is... going through changes, he's experimenting." " Experimenting?" " He's masturbating." "Oh." "It's an akward time for a young man." "You remember that time, don't you?" "Possibly." "You know you turn out the lights, crowl into bed, you reach down there and feel..." "Think you're alone." " Suddenly, it's..." " Halloween!" "Your father is standing there dressed in a bee costume... watching you." "***" " The shame!" " Yeah, the shame." "So you didn't take him to see Jade." "I took him to a chinese restaurant." "We're gonna let young Shane off with a warning." "That's superb." "We're not gonna mention, you know..." "Your father and a bee costume." " Have a good day, Mr. Botwin." " Yeah." "Hello, my name is Debra Garringer, calling on behalf of the Agrestic Citizens for Change..." "We're making a courtesy call about the debate." "Hi, this is Nancy Botwin, I'm calling on behalf of Agrestic..." "Citizens for Change." "Would you like Agrestic to be a drug free community?" "Nancy, put a little more perk in your pitch!" "Hi, can I speak to Mr. Fuckyouson?" " I can't do this, Celia." " What?" "We're just letting people know about the debate." "Debra Garringer, Agrestic Citizens for Change?" "Well, I can't just say it's me!" "That would be too..." " Honest." " Leading." "We're trying to let the voters decide for themselves." "I guess it's only marginally delusional." "Hey, there's no gun pointed at your head." "If you can't make time for the pressing problems of greater Agrestic..." "That's exactly it, I can't make time, I've got problems at home." "Really?" "Do you wanna talk about it?" "I don't wanna talk about it." "I just wanna go home." "You know, I tell you about my husband's unemployment, my daughter being the face of America's trends fat so..." "Tell me what's going on with you." "Please, Nancy." " Celia." " Aren't we friends?" " I just wanna go." " You can't even say it." "You don't wanna be my friend." "Everything is not about you, Celia." "What the fuck are you doing?" "Be my friend!" " Let go of my fucking hair!" " Be my friend!" " Let go of my fucking hair!" " Be my goddamn motherfucking friend!" "Selfish!" "Selfish!" "Selfish!" "You two are just like sisters." "Hey, Deano." "Hey, you got the late shift." "Don't you have a debate with my wife tomorrow?" "Oh yeah, the debate thingy." "What's on the boob?" "As your campaign manager, I should tell you she's been practicing all week." "Well, she's wasting her time." "Nobody goes to those things." "And besides, I'm great at debating." "Go ahead, ask me a question." "Mr. Wilson, what zoning laws do you plan to enact to combat suburbans problems?" "Next question." "You're not even worried." "Worried?" "Nobody likes your wife, you don't even like her." "I could stand up on that podium tomorrow night and take a shit on one of those make-a-wish cancer kid and people'd still vote for me 'cause they hate your wife." "And..." "I'm likeable." "You almost make me feel bad for Celia." "Tell her that, maybe she'll fuck you." "See, I'm on your side, buddy." "Vote for me!" "Bitchin." "Don't you think it's the circuit breaker?" "Next question!" "Come on, boy, zip it up!" "I'm trying, Heylia." "You got to inhale more or something." "I ain't that fat." "Just put some backbone into it." "Come on!" "1, 2, 3!" "Alright." "That's him!" "That's him!" " Give me the vanilla extract." " What you need that for?" "Just give it to me, he likes baked goods." "Okay." "Alright here." "How do I look?" "How do I look?" "You look good." "Shit!" "You ain't Joseph." "You got any coffee?" "Conrad, get chicka some coffee." " Make it black." " She likes it black, Conrad." "Late night?" "Helping my friend Lacey out." "Some kids at her neighborhood put a hand ax to her electrical cables." "I had to drive over there and figure out how to hook up a generator." "You'd think they'd leave instructions on those damn things." " Where does she live?" " Gardendale." "Lacey needs to get herself a new address." "That's what she's coming around to." "Conrad, did you say something?" "No, I'm just getting Mrs here some coffee ***, ma'am." " Who's having a picnic?" " I am." "I can't remember the last time I had a picnic." "Oh God, that's good." "Did you pack that kush?" "Two of them." "Two." "Hello." "Hey, honey." "Calm down." "Calm down." "I'm coming." " Is that Lacey?" " No, I need my stuff." " It's almost ready." " I need it now." "You'll have to give me a second." "I'll come back for it later." " Where have you been?" " I'm here." "What happened?" " Where were you?" " What happened to your face?" "I just went to see Megan." "Calm down." "She hasn't been in school for 2 days." "They took her to a clinic." "She won't answer my messages." "I just wanted to talk to her." "I just wanted to talk to her and he won't let me talk to her and he hit me." "Hit you?" "Who?" "I did." "You hit my kid?" "I only wanted to talk to her." "You hit my kid?" "Your son fucking stabbed me." "He put his foot through the window," "I grabbed ahold of him and he grabbed the piece of glass and he stabbed me." "So yes, I hit him." "Silas?" "Keep him away from my daughter." "Your son is a fucking loser." "You taught me how to drive." "Silas, get in the car." "He just wanted to talk to her." "What's the big fucking deal?" "The big deal, Mrs. Botwin, is that I had a decent, respectable daughter." "Oh, please." "She meets your son, she starts smoking pot, she's doing ecstasy and she's had an abortion!" "She was the blowjob queen of Dooey street!" "And you're a shitty parent." "You lay a hand on my kid again, I will kill you." "Do you understand me?" "Are you fucking hearing me?" "You need to leave now." "We're leaving." "We are completely leaving." "Just drive." "Just drive." "You can make that choice for change by giving me your vote on election day." "And when elected, I promise to be everything that Doug Wilson is not." "Active, Committed, Engaged..." "ACE." "Thank you." "Mr. Wilson, your final statement?" "Nah, I'm good." "Go Doug!" " Hey, Sanjay." " Hey, Andy." "What's that humming sound?" "The generators." "The Armenians cut the electrical cables." "Well, that's not very neighborly." "They're historically put up on people." "It's not neighborly but it's understandable." "Why are you standing like that?" "It's the only way to get Channel 12." "Oh." "Thanks." "We also get channel 34." "Infomercials." "And you don't have to hold the antenna." "I bought diamonic earrings for Nancy." "I mean my mother." " Good night." " Bye!" " It's a raid." " What?" "The cops are outside everywhere." "They're all over the place, Andy." "Shit." "Shit!" "Shit!" "What do we do?" "What do we do?" "I don't know." "We gotta hide it." "We gotta hide it all!" "Okay." "Okay." "Okay." "Turn on the lights." "We can't turn on the lights." "We'll ruin the grow cycle." "Turn on the lights, Sanjay!" "Conrad said never to turn on the lights!" "Fuck Conrad!" "Okay." "Goddamn it." "Alright." "Shhh." "Plants." "Shit." "Shit!" "Shit!" "Get the plants." "I said get the plants." "Wait, what do I do?" "Flush everything." "I gotta save the mother!" "No." "Oh no!" "Okay, mamma." "Forgive me." "We had this pregnant hamster in science class last year and Denny Cohen put a pencil up her butt and later she had dead babies." "Kinda like an abortion." "Fuck you." "It's not a fucking hamster." "Shane." "What?" "I don't want you playing with Denny Cohen anymore." "Go get ready for school." " Hello." " I have a gift for you." "You do?" "Yeah, turn on the TV, channel 8." " Alright." " I'd hurry." "The daring raid on 4 marijuana grow houses took place late last night in Gardendale." "Residents were awaken to the sounds of police sirens and battering rams." "Over a 1000 plants were confiscated and dozens were arrested including drug kingpin Aram Kashishian." "I'm here live with agent Peter Scottson from the Drug Enforcement Agency." "He lead this raid." "He joins us now." "Agent Scottson?" "Hang on just a sec, will you?" "Lieutenant Scottson, can you tell us is this a common base of operation for drug dealers?" "Gated communities can provide a perfect cover for a drug operation." "Insulation from the outside world." "But they can also provide the ideal environment for a well executed bust." "Gates keep people out, but they can also keep people in." "In this case, an armenian drug cartel." "Not sure I would use the term cartel but no doubt it was a major operation." "This is a drug free zone now." "Okay, thank you, agent Scottson from the DEA." "Reporting live from the scene, I'm Lynn Amarillo." " Back to you and the studio." " Thanks Lynn." "In other news..." "Yep." "As I was saying," "I was looking for the perfect gift to get for my wife and so..." "I got her neighborhood." " You got me a neighborhood." " I did." "You're very thoughtful, Mr. Scottson." "And you are very, very beautiful, Mrs. Scottson." "Oh my!"