"Previously on "Chance"..." "What I took off that shitbird back at the massage parlor." "After you killed him." "You call Blackstone on that phone, it's a whole new day, my brother." "Buckle up." "You told me he put you on a bus." "You were gone." "Why the fuck are you here?" "They drove me someplace and locked me in this gross room." "And I was so scared!" "Hey, Doc." "Detective Hynes." "Detective Blackstone beat his wife." "He hit your daughter." "Might be a part owner in a brothel." "He stalked and harassed you and your friend, then he beat you up." "The only thing I hate more than a cop going after another cop is a bad cop." "Does that mean you're gonna help me?" "I was looking for Detective Hynes." "When did you last talk to him?" "A couple of days ago." "Why?" "He didn't come in for his shift today." "Didn't call either." "So, here's how it's gonna be." "We are gonna meet and talk." "Bring that second set of books with you." "You know the Ocean Park Motel?" "Be there at 5:00... alone." "I'll know if you're not." "You won't like what happens next." "Eldon Chance is a 55-year-old right-handed neuro-psychiatrist." "Of late, he is increasingly aware of a mental state he finds to be dark and unstable." "He fears he has been drawn to the precipice of some new and terrible reality, and that now, having stumbled, he will be unable to keep from falling." "On the other side!" "There!" "Come over here!" "Breathing!" "Yeah." "Where am I?" "What is this?" "You're in an ambulance, Dr. Chance, on the way to the hospital." "You had a real bad fall." "You're a lucky man." "Oh, my God." "Jaclyn." "Are you okay?" "What happened?" "Tell me what happened." "Oh." "Please." "Please talk to me." "Please talk to me." "I tried." "But you know that, I fucking tried." "Tried what, to fly?" "My God, Eldon, you're a local." "You know those cliffs." "What were you doing out there at night?" "You have a death wish?" "I..." "I just can't remember." "I..." "I don't know..." "Don't worry about that right now." "You need your rest." "Did you see her?" "Would that be Jaclyn?" "Yeah." "Is she..." "There's no one here, hon." "I just heard you say that name." "Hey, I need my phone." "No." "No phone right now." "You need to rest." "Listen, either you're going to remember... or you're not." "Dad?" "Dad?" "Hi." "They said you have a concussion and broken bones, but you're gonna be okay." "Are you?" "Doesn't look like you are." "Where's your mother?" "She went to get more coffee." "So what happened?" "I mean, what really happened?" "I'm..." "I don't remember." "Well, what about your scary friend?" "Did he do anything?" "I don't know." "Probably best to keep him between the two of us for now, okay?" "I'll say I'm not so good right now." "But neither are you." "Are you?" "But we're gonna fix what's wrong with us." "The both of us." "That's what matters." "Well, you say stuff like that, and then you just leave." "And then you fall off a stupid cliff." "Yeah, it's a really stupid cliff." "The fuck were you thinking, Doc?" "Dr. Chance, hey." "Detective Newsome, SFPD." "Sorry if I startled you." "No, it's okay." "I..." "I..." "I was dreaming, I guess." "Anyone show you a newspaper?" "You're in there." "Although just "San Francisco Bay's doctor, name withheld."" "Fell of a cliff." "Almost famous." "I'm guessing it was the car accident that distracted you." "What do you think?" "Thank you." "I..." "I don't remember a car accident." "Old man in an old car, T-boned a new Mercedes." "Pretty much right on top of you." "Wall hadn't been under repair, it probably wouldn't have fallen." "You really..." "You don't remember?" "With an injury such as mine... your retrograde component can be buried." "Some people can lose months, years." "Over time, some people can remember everything." "Others never do." "Oh." "You mind me asking... why you care what I remember?" "This about the accident?" "A lot of things went down that night." "The Mercedes the old man hit fled the scene." "Found the car abandoned later." "Passenger's still at large." "That's terrible." "Yeah." "But that's just one piece of it." "There was a homicide in progress almost at the same time." "Multiple victims at a motel not too far away." "My God." "Yeah." "And an Oakland cop was involved, so, of course, the media's been going crazy." "Do you remember why you were out there?" "I was, uh..." "I was just walking." "You know, I wanted to clear my head." "Been having a lot of trouble with our daughter, and..." "Sure." "I get that." "Name Raymond Blackstone mean anything?" "To me?" "No, I..." "I don't think so." "No." "Why, is he..." "The cop I just mentioned." "He was the victim..." "One of the victims." "A witness placed him near the Cliff House earlier." "You recall seeing anyone nearby before you fell?" "No, I haven't..." "I don't remember." "You said..." "You said multiple victims?" "Yeah." "It's a real shit show." "Uh, I'm gonna take your clothes, if that's okay." "What?" "I want to look them over, to see if maybe you and Blackstone came into contact or... maybe were victims of the same perp, even." "Grasping at straws maybe, or maybe not." "Maybe you'll remember." "Or maybe we'll figure it all out without you." "You okay there, Eldon?" "You know, Ginley, I have questioned a million patients... without ever really knowing what it's like to have a period of time in which something life-changing happened that can't be accounted for." "Like there's something terrible to one's sense of the world." "I'm sure it does." "All those disorders, all those pathologies..." "I can imagine that that is the thing I've become." "Some sort of walking repositories of all the mental illness I've ever dealt with." "If that's what you're imagining, cut it out." "I brought you something." "When the police asked for your clothes, I tucked this away." "EMTs said you had it on you when you fell." "Thought it might be something you'd like to keep track of." "And, uh, also this." "I turned it off to save the battery." "And..." "whatever this is." "I don't know what the hell's going on." "I've just... always thought of you as one of the good ones." "One of the few." "So..." "Am I gonna be sorry?" "I hope not." "Me, too." "You have reached a number that has been disconnected." "You've reached Allan's Antiques." "No one here is available to take your ca..." "Your family's here for you." "Like you don't know hospital policy." "Get in the chair." "Yeah, a town car is fine." "6600 Post Street." "How long?" "That's great." "Uh, just tell the driver I'll be out front." "I got to the hospital, they said you'd been discharged." "Yeah, yeah." "This morning." "You just missed Christina and Nicole." "Hmm." "What the hell, Eldon?" "I, uh..." "I was out for a walk." "It's on every newscast." "I guess we weren't the only ones who didn't like him." "But still." "Uh, it's a dangerous game..." "Even for the good cops." "But you were out there." "You were right there, for Christ's sake." "Have you said anything?" "To whom?" "They're asking for people to come forward." "They are asking for people with information to come forward." "Anyway, they have already showed up." "And?" "And nothing." "I went for a walk, Suzanne, and I fell." "What about her?" "I don't know." "I haven't heard from her." "They haven't released the names of the other victims." "She could have been there." "She could be dead." "I mean, what's the point of lying to you?" "I..." "I can't..." "get it out of my mind, finding her, finding out what happened to her." "I don't even know how I'd start." "How you would explain it to the police." "The police, who are probably looking for her themselves, if she's not dead." "You know, since her husband just got murdered out by the beach." "And the fact that you knew her probably isn't information you gave them, is it?" "I came here to see how you were." "And now I have." "And you're alive." "If you ever get better, you let me know." "It's all right." "I wasn't followed." "Ah!" "Like Lazarus raised from the dead." "Sorry not to have braved the confines of the hospital." "Seemed the wisest decision, considering." "You have to tell me what happened back there... now." "What do you remember, Doc?" "I remember Blackstone in front of me." "I remember the Mercedes behind me." "And then... nothing." "No shit." "That's pretty crazy." "People are dead." "He's dead." "Is she?" "Did I kill him?" "You're the only ones I can talk to about this." "You got to tell me what you know now!" "You'll get all of it, but right now, you need to relax." "I mean, it wasn't long ago, you fell of a fucking cliff." "For starters, Boss saved your ass." "It was you?" "The old man in the accident?" "Who said old?" "That's your word, not mine." "But, yes, I did my little part." "We parked and waited until we saw them come out." "Blackstone and two thugs..." "We trailed them from the motel to the beach." "Pull over." "All right." "You park further down, okay?" "Somewhere by the Great Highway where you can get eyes on the doc and the cop." "I'm gonna stick with the guys in the Mercedes." "If Doc Chance gets to where he's supposed to be, they're gonna try rolling up on his six..." "That's what I'd do." "That's you and the doc against those three." "They're armed and dangerous." "Keep your cell open, radio contact." "It was about to be perfect, Doc... at which point, you went full-on headless chicken." "What the fuck, Doc?" "You started telling me we had to abort, said you were going to Land's End, but then you don't even do that." "You went down those stairs." "Yeah, that's when I saw those guys in the Mercedes." "That's why I was there to begin with." "I-I thought about trying to head you off at the pass, but then you never showed." "You weren't answering your fucking phone, either." "I was scared, D. No shit." "I look, there you are, middle of the fucking sidewalk, under the lights, in plain sight going back the way you came." "A blind man could see where that was headed." "We need an air strike, brother... right fucking now." "Thing you got to love about Carl..." "You ask him to crash his car, he just does it..." "No questions, no hesitation." "Let's face it..." "The guy's got balls." "I lost track of everything in the collision." "Hadn't seen you or him." "But seeing the place where the wall was broken," "I just had a feeling." "The crash got everybody's attention, let me get out in the open." "That's when I saw Blackstone's car go." "You weren't in my line of sight, Doc." "It was dark, but I saw him leaving." "I figured he'd killed you or grabbed you." "Either way, I knew where he was going." "Everything you told me about him and her," "I knew he wasn't leaving alone." "Blade carries cloth into the wound, helps staunch the flow." "Along with that, you hold the blade in place for a two-count, there won't be enough pressure left in the system to drive the blood." "What are you saying?" "Congratulations." "But if the..." "If the aortic arch was pierced, there wasn't enough pressure left in his system..." "I didn't say you were perfect." "You missed the aortic arch." "Knife went into his heart." "That's why I could see the blade moving every time his heart tried to pump." "Cardiac tamponade." "Yeah." "Heart knots up around the blade." "Pericardium fills with blood." "The exact placement of the blade and severity of the wound will determine exactly how long it takes for the pericardium to completely fill, choke off the heart." "But until then, it's still treatable." "Pretty much fatal pretty much all the time, Doc, treated or not." "Wha... uh..." "You were there." "You could have called someone instead of pulling the blade and accelerating the bleed." "Called who, said what?" "It was his choice, Doc..." "Blackstone's." "He knew it, he made it." "He could have gone and tried to get himself help." "But he went back to her instead." "Well, where is she?" "I don't know where she is." "She's gone." "When you say gone..." "I say I don't know." "He was dead, I unlocked her cuffs, and that's it." "She could be anywhere now." "The important thing is the lady you wanted free is free," "Doc, and you did it." "You did all of it." "How does it feel?" "Yeah, but I didn't." "I didn't." "It wasn't me, it was you pulling out the blade." "That you put in." "She's free, and you killed him." "How does it feel?" "I don't know." "How would you feel, D... if someone told you you'd done something like that, you can't remember it?" "It's like..." "It's like being lost in my own home." "It's terrifying." "So, what happens now?" "Try not to be a stranger." "See you, Doc." "So, general concerns." "The nature and type of friendships she has, her choice in role models, love interests." "Only one in that department, but yeah." "And her affiliated behavior, her willingness to engage in risk-taking behavior." "Not unheard of among teenagers." "No, of course." "Frontal lobe development is a beautiful thing..." "When and if." "Uh, the Yale-Brown Obsessional Scale is something" "I've used in my own practice." "If I am not mistaken, there's an adolescent version, as well." "Yes, there is." "And we can look into that." "I will also say that... she's never been one to take things lightly." "You know, she gets interested in something, she's... a heat-seeking missile..." "All-in." "It's the upside to obsession, I suppose." "It's not all doom and gloom." "And there is also a potential for illumination, but that balance has to be found." "And that's what you think she may be losing..." "The balance." "I, myself, am..." "I am not without certain obsessive proclivities." "You think there may be a genetic component in Nicole." "Yeah, I do." "Dr. Marks is ready for you." "You were in there forever." "If you already told her everything, then why do I have to go in there?" "You'll like her." "Go on." "I'll be here when you get out." "Hey." "Oh, hey!" "There you are!" "Hey, Doc." "That's a cute cup of coffee you got there." "My God, Detective Hynes." "You're all right." "I thought Blackstone might have gotten to you somehow." "Yeah, well... he would have." "He tried." "You know, I started to look into him right after I saw you last." "Spoke to a guy in Oakland Vice who I thought was good people." "The night I did that, when I got home, there was a couple guys in my house." "Who?" "I don't fucking know." "I took off before they saw me." "So now he's gone..." "Blackstone." "I mean, I don't mean to speak ill of the dead or whatever, but it's not the worst news I ever got." "You, either, I bet." "Although, you didn't actually get the news." "I mean, 'cause you were there, on the scene." "What are the odds?" "So, how is the wife taking all this?" "She happy or what?" "I don't know where she is." "Oh." "Oh, that's a shame." "I was thinking you would, you two being so close..." "Doctor-patient and whatnot." "How's this sound..." "I'll check back in with you after a while and see if you know then." "Because one of you killed him." "Detective..." "Now you're wondering what this is, right?" "But I don't know what it is, either." "I haven't decided yet." "Look at you." "Look at me?" "I thought I was never gonna see you again." "You wouldn't have." "You almost didn't." "What about since then?" "It's been weeks." "Where did you..." "I didn't know if you ran, if you left town." "Well, I couldn't." "Not yet." "How's your daughter?" "S-She's fine." "She's safe thanks to you." "Well, she was in danger thanks to me." "Me, too." "What about yours?" "Where is she now?" "Once you told me..." "you wanted me to feel whole." "That you wanted that more than you wanted to be with me." "I couldn't imagine what you meant or who I would be if that happened." "And maybe it never will." "Something is." "Something is happening now." "Things I thought I lost." "Things I didn't know I knew, they're coming back." "And I don't want them, but they're here." "And... you deserve to know them." "You deserve to know... that you were right about me." "You were right about my past, about my childhood, about Jackie." "You might want to sit." "Thank you, Dr. Cohen." "Myra, please." "I'm gonna start with some thoughts I have." "And if I'm wrong about any of them, you stop me, all right?" "This refuge you've created has kept you going, but it's also trapped you in the past." "It lets you pretend you are a person to whom nothing has happened." "But it will never let you move forward." "So, there's one thing you must recognize..." "Here in this office, if nowhere else..." "That you will have to share with me that you're loss is real." "Can you do that, Jaclyn?" "Oh, before I forget, there's an earlier appointment freeing up." "Oh, really?" "Yes, if you're still interested, Mondays at 11:00." "Oh, I don't know." "I sort of like being your last patient." "Not worrying if someone's left waiting while we go over." "Oh, sorry." "I saw my other patients at practice today." "I had forgot I had left this in such a mess." "Are you feeling all right?" "I..." "I just... that smell." "Well, I don't..." "Oh, is it this, maybe?" "My friend dried me some flowers from her garden." "I just..." "I don't know if I can..." "I'll take it outside, all right?" "And then I'll open a window." "It's that scent." "At the same time, she's pressing you to... share your loss." "Outside my window when I was little, there was a flowering tree." "Ceanothus... wild lilac." "I didn't know the name then." "I just knew that you could smell it even through a locked window." "I know that to survive this long, you've had to keep yourself private." "And by letting me in, even as far as you have, can make you feel violated all over again." "I know that even before you went to school, you were taught about violence and cruelty." "That the people who were supposed to love, care for, and protect you instead violated you beyond measure." "And so, you spent most of your life since looking for some kind of sanctuary, trying to make yourself to even..." ""understand the idea of safety."" "Telling yourself that a small part of you still has..." ""a living child."" "I wasn't very old when I had her." "And I didn't have her for very long." "I told them she was sick." "Something was wrong." "They wouldn't take her to the doctor." "Jaclyn, I'm so sorry." "Keep reading." "And so, I know I am trying to divest you of the most important possession in your care now..." "The daughter you couldn't save, the centerpiece of your identity disturbance." "And in doing that, I also know I am removing your belief that you have done something..." "One thing..." "Good with your life." "But you have, Jaclyn." "You survived." "You're still here." "You were never allowed to be innocent." "You may always feel alone." "But it's not too late for you to be free." "Aah!" "Hey." "Please come." "Come now." "We've killed her." "One night, the winter I turned 12," "I woke up and found myself standing on the corner at the very end of our street." "I was in my pajamas... a coat, and shoes." "I didn't know how I got there." "I thought I sleepwalked." "But then I heard her... in my mind." "Jackie..." "The real protector." "That was the very first time." "And she told me, "Just keep walking," but I didn't." "I went back." "Jackie the protector." "Take the clothes, put them in a bag." "Jackie, you hear me?" "Jackie, now!" "Here." "Protecting me from myself." "Then who..." "Who was protecting my daughter?" "Who was protecting Nicole?" "Was it Jackie, or was it you?" "See, maybe that's why..." "That's why this has happened." "That's why everything is coming back." "You have re-entered the world." "You took an action out there in the world." "Not for yourself, but for someone else." "But..." "This is..." "You told me once... to confess." "To plead self-defense, say I wasn't in my right mind." "But I-I can't do that." "Or I'm not strong enough to do it." "So I wrote it all down here..." "for you." "Jaclyn." "Give it to your friend, the good cop." "I know it's not that simple." "How do you explain how you got this or why you haven't shared it before now." "I know I'm putting the burden on you when you have so much more at stake than I do, making you judge and jury." "I'm sorry if that doesn't seem fair." "You see a move, don't wait." "Go first." "Trust your training." "Be the still point in the turning world." "Wait!" "Fuck!" "You hold the blade in place for a two-count..." "No!" "You're not the one." "Aah!" "What?" "What is it?" "We all have blood on our hands." "It's not the same." "We are all pilgrims... trying to figure out who we are and how to live in this world." "And we go on until we can't." "S'up, buddy?" "First, the S. F. cop took my clothes, asked way too many questions." "Then Detective Hynes says that he's not sure if he's blackmailing me yet." "And I am left with her confession, this powder keg in my keeping." "Beyond my connection with her, am I worried that the detective who knows about it is gonna talk to the one who wants to know about it." "I can't... excuse or absolve her of what she's done." "Maybe we should find out where this Detective Hynes lives." "Pay him a little visit." "You know, I, uh..." "I finally remembered what happened out there, what I did." "You asked me how I felt, and, uh... now I know." "A man who wanted me dead now is dead because of me." "I can't take that lightly, but..." "I am glad to still be here." "I mean, there's horror in the taking of life." "Also an elation in being the one that walks away." "So, what happens now?" "Welcome to the neighborhood." "I got you a cheeseburger." "Awesome." "Get yourself one, too?" "Yes, I did." "Awesome." "And..." "I took a risk with this, but I thought a malted might help..." "* Zandu cracked the tile *" "* With a pointed file *" "* Could be heard for miles *" "* Diamond cut the glass *" "* Like a blade of grass *" "* Nothing made to last *" "* In the halls of Lu *" "* In the new Zandu *"