"Thankyou." "Now we all know how the majority... and the media in this country... view the Catholic church." "They think ofus as a passé, archaic institution." "People fiind the Bible obtuse... even hokey." "Now, in an effort to disprove all that... the Church has appointed this year as a time ofrenewal... both offaith and ofstyle." "For example, the crucifiix." "While it has been a time-honored symbol ofour faith..." "Holy Mother Church has decided to retire... this highly recognizable... yet wholly depressing image... ofour Lord, crucifiied." "Christ didn´t come to Earth to give us the willies." "He came to help us out." "He was a booster, and it´s with that take on our Lord in mind... that we´ve come up with a new, more inspiring Sigil." "So, it is with great pleasure that I presentyou with the fiirst... ofmany revamps the Catholicism Wow!" "campaign... will unveil over the nextyear, I giveyou..." ""The Buddy Christ."" "That´s not the sanctioned term we´re using for the symbol." "Just something we´ve been kicking around the offiice." "But look at it." "Doesn´t it pop?" "Buddy Christ." "Well, thereyouhaveit." "Let me get this straight." "You don´t believe in God because ofAlicein Wonderland?" "No, Through the Looking Glass." "That poem, "The Walrus and the Carpenter"... that´s an indictment oforganized religion." "The Walrus, with his girth and his good nature... he obviously represents either Buddha... orwith his tusks, the Hindu elephant god, Lord Ganesha." "That takes care ofyour Eastern religions." "Now, the Carpenter, which is an obvious reference toJesus Christ... who was raised a carpenter´s son, he represents the Western religions." "Now, in the poem, what do they do?" "They dupe all these oysters into following them... and then proceed to shuck and devour the helpless creatures en masse." "I don´t know what that says toyou, but to me it says... that following these faiths based on mythological fiigures... ensures the destruction ofone´s inner-being." "Organized religion destroys who we are... by inhibiting our actions, by inhibiting our decisions... out offear ofsome intangible parent fiigure... who shakes a fiinger at us from thousands ofyears ago... and says, " Do it-- Do it and I´ll fuckin´ spankyou!"" "Oh,Jesus!" "The wayyou put it, I´ve never really thought about it like that before." "What have I been doing with my life?" " What am I?" " Yeah, I know." "Listen, my advice toyou... you take this money thatyou´ve been collecting foryour parish... go getyourselfa nice dress, fiixyourselfup." "Find some man-- fiind some woman--you can connect with, even for a moment... ´cause that´s really all life is, Sister-- a series ofmoments." "Why don´tyou seizeyours?" "That a girl." "You know, here´s what I don´t get aboutyou." "You know for a fact that there is a God." "You´ve been in His presence." "He´s spoken toyou personally." " Yet I heard you claim to be atheist." " I like to fuckwith the clergy, man." "I just love it." "I love to keep those guys on their toes." "Here´s what I don´t get aboutyou." "Why doyou feel the need to come to this place all the time?" "My friend, because this is humanity at its best." "Look at them." "All that anger, all that mistrust, all that unhappiness... forgotten for that one perfect moment when they get offthe plane." "See those two?" "What that guy doesn´t know is that the girl cheated on him while she was away." " She did?" " Twice." " Nice." " But it doesn´t matter right now... ´cause they´rejust both so relieved to be with one another." "I like that." "I wish they all could feel that way more often." "Is this why I had to come down here and miss my fucking cartoons?" "You call me, you tell me it´s important." "What, to share in your half-assed obsession with Hallmark moments?" "We´re going home." "Somebody sent us this in the mail." "Take it and quit leering at me." "People will think I just broke up with you." " You said we´re going home, didn´tyou?" " Read." ""Cardinal Glick Cuts Ribbon On Catholicism Wow!" "Campaign."" "And?" "You have to keep reading." ""The rededication of St. Michael´s Church..."" "...is thekickoffofanewcampaign whichseeks tobring..." "Catholicism into themainstream." "Withapapalsanction, thearchwayentrance... ofthe century-oldJerseyshore house ofworship... willserveasapassageway ofplenaryindulgence-- alittle-known Catholicbeliefoffering allthatpasses throughitsarches... amorallycleanslate." "ForSundayNews Brief, I´m GrantHicks." "All I gotta do, I walk through the arch thing, and then I can go back home?" "No." "Bywalking through the archway, all your sins are forgiven." " Then all we have to do is die." " Die?" "I don´t wanna die." " You rather hang around here?" " No." "We don´t know ifwe can die." "But what ifwe can and then the arch thing doesn´t work?" "What then, Hell?" "Fuck that." "It´s impossible." "Ifwe cut offourwings... and transubstantiate to complete human form, we become mortal." "Ifwe die with clean souls, there´s no way they can keep us out." "We won´t be angels anymore, but at least we get to go home." " Who sent the paper?" " Who cares who sent the paper?" "All that matters is that after all theseyears, we found a loophole." "He can´t keep us out anymore." "Once we´re back in, it´ll be forgive and forget." "But this thing, this is Church law." "It´s not Divine Mandate." "Church laws are fallible because they´re created by man." "One ofthe last sacred promises imparted to Peter, the fiirst pope... by the Son ofGod before He left was..." " "Whateveryou hold true on Earth--" - "l´ll hold true in Heaven."" "It´s dogmatic law." "Ifthe Church says it´s so, God must adhere." "This thing has a papal sanction" "Let it never be said your anal retentive attention to detail... neveryielded positive results." "You can´t be anal retentive ifyou don´t have an anus." "Outstanding work!" "There´sjust one thing I thinkwe gotta do before we leave." "This is gonna help us get back on His good side." "What?" "Here." "I´ve been dreaming about this for fiiveyears." "Read that." "" Mooby, the Golden Calf." "Creating an Empire Out ofSimplicity."" "I wanna hit ´em." "You really are just a simple creature." "We fiinally fiind a way back and you want tojeopardize that... becauseyou´ve got a soft spot for the good ol´ days." "What betterway to repent than by resuming the position I once denied... thanks toyou?" "I don´t think a killing spree is gonna make things better for us." "Killing spree?" "I´m talking about DivineJustice here." "I´m talking about reigning down fiire and brimstone, punishing the wicked." "He´s all about that." "I know He´d want this done." "There hasn´t been an Angel of Death sinceyou quit." "Doesn´t that mean anything toyou?" "And besides, what ifyou´re wrong, likeyou always are?" "Ifl´m wrong-- which I´m not-- it´s not gonna matter." "We´re gonna pass through your arch thing anyway." "We´re gonna be forgiven." "No harm, no foul." "Well, He does hate competition." "I will say that." "And your Mooby certainly falls under that heading." "Where is this church we have to go to?" "NewJersey." "Rededication ceremony is in four days." "Last four days on Earth?" "Ifl had a dick, I´d go get laid." " We can do the next best thing." " What´s that?" "Let´s kill people." "Oh, notyou." "ThegreaterIllinois Chapter ofthe Right to Life Foundation... willbeholdingits biannualsoftballgame... against the Cook County..." "Pro-Choice LeaguenextSundayat2:00." "Today´s second collection will be donated... to theJohn DoeJersey Life Fund." "For those ofyou who haven´t been following the news... an unidentifiied homeless man... who was accosted and severely beaten at the NewJersey shore last Tuesday..." "lies in critical, but stable condition in one ofthat area´s hospitals." "He lacks identifiication... and police have had no luck tracking down any possible family." "The archbishop ofthe Trenton diocese has disputed the state´s decision... to remove the indigent man from life-support systems... asking that Catholics all over the country... join in this protest against euthanasia." "Well, now please rise for the recession offaith." "We believe in one God, the FatherAlmighty..." "Maker of Heaven and Earth." "WebelieveinJesus Christ, His onlySon, OurLord" "Choose life!" "You´re gonna burn in Hell, ya fuckin´ baby killer!" "Holy shit." "It´s the pope." " Huh?" " Where?" "What areyou talking about?" "Jesus!" "You´re a Catholic." "Can´tyou talk to them?" "They hate me more than you, no doubt." "At leastyou have an excuse." "You´re Jewish." "You don´t know any better." "We already used that excuse when we killed Christ." "Where wereyou yesterday?" "We went to brunch." "I went to church." "That still kills me, you and church." "Ifonly they knewyourweekly tithing came from a Planned Parenthood check." "I don´t know why I still go, Liz." "I can remember going to church when I was young and being moved." "Now I sit there every Sunday and I feel nothing." "I don´t think I have any faith left." "Remember that seminary student I tried to setyou up with?" "The 20-year-old." "The one I could have baby-sat for in high school." "The point is, he told me something." "He said that faith is like a glass ofwater." "When you´reyoung, the glass is little, so it´s easy to filll." "As you get older, the glass gets bigger." "The same amount ofliquid doesn´t fiill it anymore." "But periodically the glass has to be refiilled." "You´re suggesting I need to get fiilled?" "In more ways than one." "You need to get laid, Bethany Sloane." "You need a man, ifonly for 1 0 minutes." "It´s been my experience that the average male is never a man... not even for ten minutes in his entire life span." "That sounds militant." "Areyou thinking ofjoining the other side?" "Couldn´t do it." "Women are insane." "Then you need to go back to church and ask God for a third option." "I think God is dead." "The sign ofa true Catholic." "Good afternoon, Mrs. Reynolds." "I´m from the EPA." "We´re checking on possible freon leaks." "Tell me, doyou have air conditioning?" "Yes, we have central air." "In every room?" "Except the bathroom." "Why?" "Well, you do know what that means, don´tyou?" "Move!" "No pleasure, no rapture, no exquisite sin greater... than central air." "Pick that up." "This will be the base ofoperations from here on in." "Now, ifl remember the protocol correctly... the powers... will attempt to contact the last scion." "I need you three... to shuffle her loose the mortal coil." "Go." "Behold the Metatron!" "Herald ofthe Almighty and voice ofthe one true God!" "Behold the Metatron!" "Herald ofthe Almighty and voice ofthe one true God!" "SweetJesus!" "Doyou have to use the whole can?" "Who the fuck areyou and what the fuck areyou doing in my room?" "I´m the one that´s soaked and she´s the one that´s surly." "That´s rich." "Stupid fucking" "Get the fuck out ofhere, now!" "Oryou´ll do what exactly?" "Hit me with that fiish?" "Now,just sit down on the bed and shut up." "Jesus wept!" "Look at my suit." "Just take whateveryou want, but don´t kill or rape me." "Give over!" "I couldn´t rapeyou ifl wanted to." "Angels are ill-equipped." "See?" "I´m as anatomically-impaired as a Ken doll." "Makeyourselfuseful and give me that towel." "You bottom-feeders and your arrogance." "You think everybody´sjust trying to get in your knickers." "What areyou?" "I´m pissed offis what I am." "Doyou drench everyone who comes in your room with flame-retardant chemicals?" "No wonderyou´re single." "Stand back." "As I was sayin´... prior toyour fiire-fiighting episode..." "I am the Metatron." "Don´t tell me the name doesn´t ring a bell?" "You people." "Ifthere isn´t a movie about it, it´s not worth knowing, is it?" "I am a seraphim." "The highest choir ofangels." "You do know what an angel is, don´tyou?" "Metatron acts as the voice ofGod." "Any documented occasion when someyahoo claims that God has spoken to them... they´re speaking to me." "Or they´re talking to themselves." "Why doesn´t God speak for Himself?" "Glad you decided tojoin the conversation." "To answer that... human beings have neither the aural, nor the psychological capacity... to withstand the awesome power ofGod´s true voice." "Wereyou to hear it, your mind would cave in and your heart would explode." "We went through fiive Adams before we fiigured that one out." "Well, how do I know you´re an angel?" "Aside from the fiiery entrance and the expansive wingspan?" "You want more proof?" "Fine." "How about tequila?" "Where the hell are we?" "Only placeyou can go for good tequila." "Dos tequilas, porfavor, and an empty glass." "We´re in Mexico?" "Actually, we´re in a franchised Mexican family eatery... down the street from your apartment, but... it´s impressive nonetheless." "You don´t mind I lost the wings, doyou?" "I´m trying to keep our profiile low." "What doyou want with me?" "I am to chargeyou with a holy crusade." "For the record, I work in an abortion clinic." "Noah was a drunk." "Lookwhat he accomplished." "And no one´s asking you to build an ark." "All you gotta do is go to NewJersey... and visit a small church on a very important day." "NewJersey?" "That doesn´t sound like much ofa crusade." "Aside from the fline print, that´s it." "What´s the fline print?" "Stop a couple ofangels from entering and thus negating all existence." "Wait, wait, wait." "Repeat that." "Stop a couple ofangels from entering... and thus negating all existence." "I hate it when people need it spelled out for them." "You might want to clarify that." "Back in the old days, God was vengeful and hot-tempered." "And His wrath was bore... by the Angel of Death, name of Loki." "When Sodom and Gomorrah was destroyed... that was Loki." "When the waters wiped out everything except Noah and his menagerie... that was Loki-- and he was good at what he did." "But one day... he refused to bear God´s wrath any longer." " Why?" " He listened to his friend... a Grigori by the name of Bartleby." "Grigori?" "One ofthe choirs ofangels." "They´re called Watchers." "Guess what they do." "So one day, Loki´s wiping out all the fiirstborn of Egypt" "The Tenth Plague." "Tell a person thatyou´re the Metatron and they stare atyou blankly." "Mention something out of a Charlton Heston movie... and suddenly everybody´s a theology scholar." "May I continue uninterrupted?" "Once he´s done with the fiirstborn..." "Loki takes his friend Bartleby out for a post-slaughter drink." "And over many rounds... they get into this discussion about... whether or not murder in the name ofGod is okay." "And in the end..." "Bartleby convinces Loki to quit his position... and take one which doesn´t involve slaughter." "So... very inebriated..." "Loki tells God he quits... throws down his fiiery sword... and gives Him the fiinger." "Which ruins it for the rest ofus because from that day forward..." "God decreed that angels could no longer imbibe alcohol." "Hence all the spitting." "So, for their insolence..." "God decreed that neither Loki nor Bartleby... would ever be allowed back into Paradise." " Were they sent to Hell?" " Worse." "Wisconsin... for the entire span ofhuman history." "And when the world ends, they´ll have to sit outside the gates for all eternity." "And this has what to do with me?" "Someone has clued them in to a loophole in Catholic dogma... that would allow them to reenter Heaven." "So what?" "They beat the system." "Good for them." "It´s not that simple." "Ifthey get in, theywill have reversed God´s decree." "Now listen closely because this bit´s very important." "Existence in all its form and splendor... function solely on one principle" "God is infallible." "To prove Him wrong... would undo reality and everything that is." "Up would become down, blackwould become white." "Existence would become nothingness." "In essence... ifthey´re allowed to enter that church... they´ll unmake the world." "Ifthis is so major, why areyou talking to me?" " Why doesn´t God do something about it?" " He could." "But He´d rather seeyou take care ofthis one personally." "Why me?" "Because ofwhoyou are." "And who am I?" "The girl in the pj´s!" "Don´t ask so many questions." "Just serveyour purpose." "I´m gonna have to pass." "I beg your pardon?" "When some quiet little infection destroyed my uterus, where was God?" "When my husband decided... he couldn´t be with a wife who couldn´t bear his children... where was God?" "To Hell with Him." "Don´t allow eons ofhistory and life to get blinked out ofbeing... just becauseyou´ve got a grudge againstyour Creator." "Soyou lost the ability to make life." "You´re being offered the chance to play mother to the world... by acting like one and protecting it-- saving it!" "But I can´t makeyou." "However, ifyou should decide to stop being selfiish... and acceptyour responsibility... you won´t be alone." "You´ll have support." "What?" "More angels?" "Prophets." "In a manner ofspeaking." "Two of´em." "The one who speaks... and he will, at great length, whetheryou want him to or not... will make mention ofhimself as a prophet." "The other one... well, he´s the quiet type." "Look, I´ve gotta go." "Remember, we´re working in a time frame here." "What´s He like?" "God?" "Lonely... but funny." "He´s got a great sense ofhumor." "Take sex, for example." "There´s nothing funnier... than the ridiculous faces you people make mid-coitus." "Sex is ajoke in Heaven?" "The way I understand it, it´s mostly ajoke down here too." "I´ll seeya." "Snootch to the motherfucking nootch!" "Go back toyour paper routes, you Mighty Duck Fucks!" "Snoogans." "Did you see that shit, man?" "I know theywerejust kids, but we kicked their fucking pube-less asses!" "I don´t know what to say or think, except" "Thatyou´ll offer us sex as a reward?" "That I´d like to know who they and you are." "I´mJay, and this is my hetero life mate, Silent Bob." "I don´t know who those kids were, but theywould have kicked yours... and Lunchbox´s asses ifl hadn´t represented." "Thanks for being out here so late." "Wait a minute." "Areyou protestors?" "You mean those dickheads with the signs and pictures ofdead babies?" "Shit no!" "Me and Silent Bob are pro-choice." "A woman´s body is her own fucking business." "But what areyou doing hanging around?" "We´re here to pick up chicks." "Excuse me?" "We fiigure abortion clinics are a good place to meet loose women." "Why else would they be here unless they like to fuck?" "Right." "Well, I should be going." "Thanks for the rescue." " I think." " Wait a second." "Wejust saved your ass, and you´rejust gonna take off." "What the shit is that?" "I had a weird night last night and tonight´s not shaping up to be better." "I think I should go home, take some Percosets and lay down." "Now how about that shit?" "Fuck this town, man!" "I´m goin´ back toJersey and starting´ up the business again." "I can kick the shit out ofkids in Red Bank and make myselfa profilt." "Prophets." "Two of´em." " You know what I´m sayin´, Silent Bob?" " You gotta be kidding me." "We call this piece "The Fecalator."" "One look at it and the target shits him or herself." "Try it on." "It´s a lot more compact than the flaming sword, but not nearly as impressive." "It doesn´t have that "Wrath ofthe Almighty" edge to it." "How am I supposed to strike fear into hearts ofthe wicked with this thing?" "Look at this." "Well, then, you know, don´t use a gun." "Lay the place to waste like." "Easy foryou to say." "You get offlight in a razing." "You got to stand there and read at Sodom and Gomorrah." "I had to do all the work." "What work did you do?" "You lit a few fiires." "I rained down sulfur." "There´s a subtle difference." "Okay, I´m sure." "Fuckyou." "Any moron with a pack ofmatches can set a fiire." "Raining down sulfur is like an endurance trial." "Mass genocide is the most exhausting activity one can engage in... next to soccer." "I´ll take this one." "So, what´s up?" "You have a friend for Silent Bob, or areyou gonna do us both?" "Ifso, I´m fiirst." "I hate sloppy seconds." "You´re a man ofprinciple." "Jersey´s pretty far from McHenry." "May I askwhat broughtyou here?" "Some fuck namedJohn Hughes." "Sixteen Candles John Hughes?" "You know that guy too?" "That fuckin´ guy." "He made this flick Sixteen Candles." "Not bad." "There´s tits in it, but no bush." "But Ebert over here don´t give a shit about that kind ofthing... because he´s like in love with thisJohn Hughes guy." "He goes out and rents every one ofhis movies." "Fuckin´ Breakfast Club, where stupid kids actually show up for detention." "Fuckin´ WeirdScience, where this babe wants to undress and get down... but, oh, no, she don´t, because it´s a PG movie." "And then Prettyin Pink, which I can´t watch with this tubby bitch anymore... because when the redhead hooks up with her dream guy... he starts sobbing´ like a little bitch with a skinned knee and shit." "And there´s nothing worse than watchin´ a fuckin´ fat man weep." "What exactly broughtyou to Illinois?" "All these movies take place in this small town called Shermer, Illinois... where all the honeys are top-shelf but all the dudes are whiny pussies." "Except forJudd Nelson." "He was fuckin´ harsh." "But best ofall... there was no one dealing´, man." "Then it hits me." "We could live like phat rats... ifwe were the blunt connection in Shermer, Illinois." "So we collected some money we were owed and caught a bus." "Butyou know what the fuck we found out when we got there?" "There is no Shermer, Illinois." "Movies are fuckin´ bullshit." " When areyou going back to NewJersey?" " This broad asks a lot ofquestions." " Tomorrow." " Tomorrow." "Yeah." "Soyou do anal?" "Is it true that chicks fart ifyou blast them in the ass?" "I didn´t askyou out for sex." "I´ll take head." "This is gonna sound really bad." "I can´t believe I´m even thinking about this." "I think I should go with you." "Like steady?" "You wanna be my girlfriend?" "All right, but Silent Bob gets to live with us and you pay the rent." "No." "I wanna go with you to NewJersey." "Really?" "You´re going to lead me somewhere." "Me lead you?" "Lady, look at me." "I don´t even know where I am halfthe time." "Ifwe´re not gonna fuck, then what the fuck did you ask us out for?" "Someone told me I´d meetyou and you´d take me someplace I was supposed to go." "What the hell areyou babbling about?" "We saved your ass from some angry fuckin´ dwarves... and now we´re supposed to takeyou somewhere as ifwe know where it is?" "Doyou believe in God?" "Holy fuck!" "All the fline, immoral bitches out in front ofthat place... and we gotta get the oneJesus freak?" " Let´s get the fuck out ofhere." " Wait." " I´ll scream rape." " I can payyou." "Pay?" "A hundred bucks for being my guide." "You were going toJersey anyway." "All I´m asking is to tag along." "I feel like Han Solo, you´re Chewie, and she´s Ben Kenobi... and we´re in that fucked-up bar!" "What about sex?" "No sex." "Let´s saywe´re caught in a situation where we have fiive minutes left to live." "A bomb or something´s gonna go off." "Would you fuck us then?" "In that highly unlikely situation?" "Yeah, sure." "She´s a slut." "All right." "But I get to drive." "What gear areyou in?" "Gear?" "What do I know about shifting´?" "Like I ever drove before." "Indiana, Ohio, Pennsylvania..." "NewJersey." "Maybeyou´re wrong about this slaughter thing." "How can you be sure what incurs the Lord´s wrath these days?" "Times change." "I remember eating meat on a Friday used to be a Hell-worthy trespass." "The major sins never change." "Besides, I can spot a commandment-breaker from a mile away." "Bet on it." "This from the guywho still owes me ten bucks over that bet... about which was gonna be the bigger movie" " ET or Krush Groove." "Fuckyou, man, ´cause time´s gonna tell on that one." "Areyou insinuating that I don´t have what it takes anymore?" "Insinuating, no." "Flat-out telling you." "Right there." "There´s one." "So?" "They´re kissing." "Adultery." " Adultery?" " Adultery." "You arejust a simple creature." " Am I right?" " I happen to know the truth." "I´m not gonna tell you." "I want to see how boned up on thejobyou are." " What´s your proof?" " He´s wearing a wedding band." "And it never occurred toyou that maybe she´s his wife?" "No married man kisses his wife like that." "Okay." "It´s a good thing you were never... the deciding member on ajury is all I´m saying." "" No married man kisses his wife like that"?" "Areyou stoned?" "Excuse me." "Areyou married?" "Why?" "I´m just curious." "What doyou think?" " What?" " To her?" " What?" " Areyou married to her?" "Not that it´s any of your fucking business, but no." "Why?" "Whosehouse" "Run´shouse" "Isaid, whosehouse" "Run´shouse" "Whosehouse Say what" "Run´shouse Say what" "Martin" "She´s fuckin´ pissed, dude." "She´s never gonna fuck us now." "Maybeyou, but defiinitely not me." "Let me know how she is." "Nobody is fucking me!" "You got that?" "I don´t know what I was thinking in that diner... but being that I´ve decided to go home, and not to NewJersey... sorry for the inconvenience and good-bye." "You´re breaking up with us?" "Who the hell doyou think you are, lady?" "You can´tjust go around breaking people´s hearts like that!" "I fell in love with you!" "We fell in love with you!" "Guys like usjust don´t fall out ofthe fuckin´ sky." "Beautiful, naked, big-tittied women just don´t fall out ofthe sky." "No heartbeat." "Think someone threw him out ofa plane with a message written on him..." "like in ConAir?" " Did you ever see that flick?" " Oh, did that suck!" " ConAir?" "Con Shit." " Kill it!" " Sounds familiar." "Jesus, areyou okay?" "Yeah, it´s Rufus." "And yeah, I´m fline." "He´s the fucking undead!" "Cut his head off!" "." "What I just did gave me a fucking migraine!" "So ifyou don´t pipe down, I´m gonna yankyour sac offlike a paper towel." "Speaking ofwhich, you´re awfully nude." " Rufus, is it?" " Yes, Rufus it is." "It´s usually Long Rufus, but it´s a little cold out here." "You understand?" "Big Papa, how about lending a brother your coat till I fiind my own threads?" "Dude, he fell out ofthin air." "Dude, his piece is gonna be rubbing inside ofyour armor." " Dude!" " Thanks a lot, baby." "I´ll do my best to tuck it back." "It´s been a while since physics but I would think... the impact with which you hit the asphalt would have liquefiied you." "Death is a worry ofthe living." "The dead, like myself, onlyworry about decay and necrophiliacs." " Told you he was the undead." " Not the undead." "The dead." "I died." "Christ told me the secret to the resurrection once." "We were at this wedding in Caanan." "I got drunk and forgot it." "Wait, wait, wait." "Christ?" "You knew Christ?" "Knew him?" "Shit, nigga owes me 1 2 bucks." "Let me guess." " You´re another angel?" " Oh, I ain´t no angel." "I´m a man,just likeyou and him." "Well, maybe not him." "At least I was a man." "Been dead nearly 2,000 years." "Here, check this out." "No wonder he sawJesus." "Homey´s rockin´ the ganj." "It´s not ajoint." "I can´t read this." "It´s Aramaic." "It says, " Rufus, seeyou in twoyears.Jesus."" "Freaked me out because He basically told me when my numberwas up." "Took all the flavor out ofthe remaining years." "We gotta get moving." "Let´s saywe continue this discussion over a two-piece and a biscuit." "Come on." "I´m starving´." "Back off, Kato." "Wait a second!" "Between guys with wings, guys falling out ofthe sky... and guys trying like hell to fuck me..." "I think I´ve been a pretty good sport about all this so far." "But I´m not going anywhere until I fiind out where the hell you came from." "Me?" "I came from Heaven." "Now let´s start walkin´." "Walk?" "Fuckyou!" "Doyou know how farwe are from anywheres?" "Hey, man, back in the old days withJ.C., we used to walk everywhere." "Did you ever hear of a fat apostle?" "What the hell´s an apostle?" "Letmeget thisstraight." "She´s already met the prophets... and the apostle´s with them?" "I think that our best course ofaction... is to ensure that our parcel is not found." "And being that I can´t even trustyou enough to kill a woman... well, I´m left with no choice... but to seek outside assistance in guarding said package." "I´m gonna have to summon the Golgothan." "I appreciate the loan, brother." "You can have that back." "Man, I rememberwhen all we used to have for breakfast was fiish and goat´s milk." " What doyou call this shit?" " Egga Mooby Muffiin." "Now, how ´boutyou start explaining some things, like for starters... how did you know where to fiind us?" "Doyou know what the dead do with most oftheir time?" "Watch the living." "Especially in the shower." "I can´t wait to die." "And why areyou watching me?" "Becauseyou´re the one who´s gonna help me get some changes made... in that book you put so much stock in." " Hustler?" " The Bible!" " What´s your beefwith the Bible?" " For starters, I´m not in it." "Neither are any ofus, butyou don´t hear us bitchin´ and moanin´." "But I´m supposed to be in it." "I was the 1 3th Apostle." "I´ve gone to church mywhole life and never heard of Rufus, the 1 3th Apostle." "Butyou heard of the other 1 2 Apostles." "Theywere all white boys, I might add." "But no mention ofme, Rufus." "And why is that?" "´Cause I´m a black man." "Butyou know what?" "That´sjust my pet peeve." "I´m mainly here to correct a major error you´ve been basing your faith on." " What´s that?" "Jesus wasn´t white.Jesus was black." "I don´t buy it." "Ifthat´s true, why did He get written about and you were left out?" "Well, He is the Son ofGod." "Kind ofhard to have a New Testament without him." "Soyou fudge a few facts, you put a spin on his ethnicity." "Leaving me out is okay ´causeyou still got 1 2 white boys to choose from." " Areyou gonna listen to this shit?" " That´s what people ofAntioch said... right before they stoned my ass." "You were martyred?" "That´s one way ofputtin´ it." "Anotherway is to say I was bludgeoned to shit by big fucking rocks." "White folks onlywanna hear the good shit" "life eternal, a place in God´s Heaven." "But as soon as you hear thatyou´re gettin´ this good shit... from a blackJesus, ya freak." "And that, my friends, is called hypocrisy." "A black man can steal your stereo, but he can´t beyour savior." "You gonna eat that hash brown?" "So, you went to Heaven?" "Damn right I went to Heaven!" "That´s the least He could do." "In the threeyears I followed His ass aroundJerusalem, did I ever get laid?" "Hell no." "And I was in my prime." "I could have been knee-deep in shepherds´ daughters... not to mention fiine-ass Mary Magdalene." "She had a thing for dark meat, ifyou follow me." "Maybe this isjust me talking, but ifl were in Heaven..." "I wouldn´t care what the Bible said as long as they got the message right." "The message is what counts." "But folks who build their faith on that message should be colorblind." "And all my rabble-rousing is not doing that much above." "So I´m gonna need some help down here." "That´s why I´m gonna helpyou stop those angels from gettin´ into that church... in exchange foryou helping me with my campaign." "How doyou know about that, the angels?" " Isn´t much I don´t know aboutyou." " I fiind that hard to believe." "When you were fiive, you let a kid from next door piss on your hand." "You did that shit?" "You´re nasty." "I never told anybody about that." "Neither did he." "Twoyears later, that kid died ofleukemia." "His name was BrianJohnson." "Your exploits, no matter how inane... are well documented in Heaven." "Probably Hell too." "Where areyou going?" "Tell me somethin´ about me." "You masturbate more than anyone on the planet." "Fuck." "Everyone knows that." "Tell me something nobody knows." "When you do it, you´re thinking about guys." " Dude, not all the time." " Sorry ifl scared you." "Two-thirds ofme wants to forget about this and go home." "Yesterday, I wasn´t sure God even existed." "Now I´m up to my ass in Christian mythology." "Let me letyou in on a little inside info." "God hates it when it´s referred to as "mythology."" "Oh, well, then let´s ask the "prophets" what we should call it instead." "Where did those two assholes go?" "What areyou doing?" "Proving to this bastard I ain´t gay." " What?" " Long story." "Forget it." "We gotta get movin´." "How can we get toJersey?" "We´ll take the train." "I´ll call for reservations." "I thought she looked familiar." " Who?" " Serendipity." "Morning, shoppers." "Good morning." " Has anyone seen the overnights?" " No, sir." "We creamed ´em." "Last night was a rerun, which says to me" "Do I smell onions?" "Excuse me." "May I askwhatyou´re doing in my boardroom?" "You may proceed, monami." "I´m gonna have to start by apologizing." "My friend has a bit ofa penchant for the dramatic." "Oh, come on!" "Relax." "I´m doing it." "Mooby, the Golden Calf." "Created by Nancy Goldruff, a former kindergarten teacher in 1 989." "Bought by the Complex Corporation in 1 991 ." "Broadcast nationally as the " Mooby Fun-Time Hour."" "Since its inception, has spawned two theatrical fiilms... 1 6 records, 8 prime-time specials... and a library ofpriced-to-own videocassettes." "Not to mention bicoastal theme parks... dubbed " MoobyWorld."" "Did I miss anything?" "You forgot MoobyMagazine." "Damn it!" "Is there a point to this?" "You and your board are idolaters." "I can´t believeyou forgot the magazine." "That´s you." "Doyou know much about voodoo?" "That´s a fascinating practice." "No real doctrine offaith to speak of." "More an arrangement ofsuperstitions... the most well-known ofwhich... is the voodoo doll." "You see... a mockup ofan individual is subjected... to various pokes and prods." "The desired result is that the individual will feel those effects." "Call security, now!" "All lines are currently down." " I´m gonna have to apologize" " Would you knock it off?" "You´re doing it again." "Stop." "What did we talk about?" "You are responsible for raising an icon... which draws worship from the Lord." "You have broken the First Commandment." "More than that, I´m afraid not a one ofyou... passes for a decent human being." "Your continued existence is a mockery ofmorality." "Likeyou, Mr. Burton." "Lastyear, you cheated on yourwife of 1 7 years 8 times." "You even had sex with her best friend... whileyou were supposed to be home watching the kids." "In the bed thatyou and yourwife share, no less." "Mr. Newman." "You gotyour girlfriend drunk at lastyear´s Christmas party... and then paid a kid from the mail room... to have sex with her while she was passed out... just soyou could break up with her guilt-free... when she sobbingly confessed in the morning." "She killed herself three months later." "Mr. Brace disowned his gay son." "Very compassionate." "Mr. Ray put his mother in a third-rate nursing home... and used the profiits from the sale ofher home... to buy an Oriental rug for himself." "Heavens." "Mr. Barker flew to Thailand on the company account... to have sex with an eleven-year-old boy." "Mr. Holtzman okayed the production of Mooby Dolls... from materials he knew to be toxic and unsafe... because it was-- survey says" "less costly." "You, on the other hand... are an innocent." "You lead a good life." "Good foryou." "Butyou, Mr. Whitland... you have more skeletons in your closet... than this assembled party." "I cannot even mention them aloud." "You´re his father, you sick fuck!" " Good." " Not bad, man." "That´s great work." "Very good." "Well... alone at last." "With the exception of Miss Pryce here... there isn´t a decent human being amongstyou." "Not one." "Doyou know what makes a human being decent?" "Fear." "And therein lies the problem." "None ofyou has anything left to fear anymore." "You rest comfortably in seats ofinscrutable power... hiding behind your false idol, far from judgment..." "lives shrouded in secrecy, even from one another." "But not from God." "Forgot my little voodoo doll." "Man, it really looks just likeyou, doesn´t it?" "Look, ifl believed enough in this..." "I wonder" "Come on." "I don´t believe in voodoo." "Voodoo." "But I do believe in this." "Don´t run!" "Don´t run!" "Fakes!" "Fakes!" "All ofyou, fakes!" "" But I do believe in this."" "What does that mean?" "And one to grow on." "Gum?" "Go on." "It´s okay." "You´ve done nothing wrong." "These guys were fakes." "You´re a pure soul." "Butyou didn´t say "God bless you" when I sneezed." "Loki!" "You´re getting offlight." " Loki!" " I know." "I´m comin´." "You´re so lucky." "I forgotyou were down here." "How long now?" "Threeyears this August." "Let me guess-- the 1 4th Apostle, left out ofthe Bible because she´s a woman?" "This girl´s no woman." "Oh." "Those weren´t tits I sawJay cozying up to?" "What, these?" "You should know better than anyone here that tits don´t make a woman." "Hell, the tubby, coat-wearing motherfucker´s got tits." "What traditionally defiines a woman falls between two things-- her legs." "But as you can see..." "I lack defiinition." "Hey, they´re gettin´ a free show!" "Let me see that shit!" "Oh, God, another angel like Metatron." "How doyou-- How does she know Metatron?" "This is the last scion." "You´re kidding." "Wow." "I´m confused." "Bethany, Serendipity here isn´t technically an angel." "Nor is she, by any means, a human being like I was and you are." " I used to be an abstract." " Now I´m really confused." "I´m a muse, stupid." "I can´t take much more ofthis." "Soyou, what, inspire people?" "Whatjust went down with your friends over there" "It doesn´t really take a muse to inspire horny retards to empty theirwallets." "I used to specialize in entertainment." "For example, I´m responsible for 1 9 of the 20 top-grossing fiilms ofall time." " Nineteen?" " Yeah." "The one about the kid by himselfin his house... burglars trying to come in and he flights them off" "I had nothing to do with that one." "Somebody sold their soul to Satan to get the grosses up on that piece ofshit." "What areyou doing stripping?" "Rememberwhy I left?" "Becauseyou were tired ofgetting none ofthe credit foryour ideas." "So I opted to quit being a muse and write for myself." "I gave my two weeks notice, got a body, 50 bucks... and got sent out into the world to make my fortune." "So what happened?" "Writer´s block." "Can you believe it?" "Me, a muse, for God´s sake." "I can inspire anyone I meet and give out a zillion and nine ideas a second... but I can´t keep any for myself." "Her quirky sense ofhumor." " Whose?" " God´s." " You´re saying God´s a woman?" " Was there ever a doubt in your mind?" "He´s always referred to as " Him."" "That´s not how I wrote it." "But one ofthe drawbacks to being intangible... is thatyou have no say in the editorial process." "The people that held the pens added their own perspective... and all the penholders were men." "So She became a He." "Doesn´t stop with God either." "The whole book´s gender-biased." "A woman´s responsible for original sin." "A woman cuts Samson coifofpower." "A woman asks for the head ofJohn the Baptist." "Read that book again." "Women are painted as bigger antagonists than the Egyptians and Romans combined." "It stinks." "Why is the last scion here?" "Bartleby and Loki." "They found a way back." " Not the plenary indulgence loophole." " You know about that?" "I always knew that thing was a bad idea." "Leave it to the Catholics to destroy existence." "You have issues with Catholicism, I take it?" "I have issues with anyone who treats God like a burden instead ofa blessing..." "like some Catholics." "You people don´t celebrateyour faith, you mourn it." "Ifwe´re wrong, what religion is right?" "It´s not about who´s right orwrong." "No denomination´s nailed ityet... because they´re all too self-righteous to realize... that it doesn´t matterwhatyou have faith in,just thatyou have faith." "Your hearts are in the right place, butyour brains gotta wake up." "They made me and Silent Bob part ofthe gang." "Who fuckin´ farted?" "Not born." "Shit into existence." "Sweet Christ, somebodywants you bad!" " What is that thing?" " An excremental." " The Golgothan." " A what?" "A shit demon!" "No man ofwoman born!" " Friend ofyours?" " Is this smelly fuckwith us?" "It came for Bethany!" "Smoke that motherfucker like it ain´t no thang!" "I knew I´s gonna whack somebody today!" "Getyour fuckin´ hand back." "Represent!" "Go!" "Go!" "Go!" "Looks like we´re in charge ofthe gang now." "Over the bar!" " Where did that thing come from?" " Ever heard ofGolgotha?" "The hill where Christ was crucifiied." "It wasn´tjust Christ." "The Romans crucifiied everyone there." "Christ excluded, theywere criminals-- killers, brigands, thieves, rapists." "Whenever the crucifiied expired, their bodies lost muscle control... spilling bowel and bladder in the process... the result ofwhich is that walking pile ofcrap-- the Golgothan shit demon, Hell´s chiefassassin." "It´s here foryou, girlie." " Bob, get down!" " Matches!" "Matches!" " Hey, man." " How?" "" Knocks strong odors out."" " Way to go, biggie." " Whywould you ever carry this?" "What?" "Whoever sent this might send more." "I suggestyou take the princess and get as far away as possible." "I´ll try to get something out ofpoopy boy here." "Ifhe tells me something, I´ll letyou know." "Hello." "We´d like two tickets to NewJersey, please." "Jersey´s sold out, sir." " What?" " There´s one at the same time tomorrow." "Don´t underestimate the staggering drawing power ofthe Garden State." "Show up two hours in advance." "Nice." "Your hard-on for smiting has prevented us from negotiating... what ought to be the relatively simple matter ofcatching or staying on a bus." "Bus, schmuss." "Why should we fall victim to gravity when we canjust as easily rise above?" " You mean fly?" " We got wings, right?" "Fuck, let´s use ´em!" "I wouldn´t suggest that." "You see, kids... you wouldn´t want to look like a couple offairies, now, would you?" "How´d you get out of Hell?" "I told them I was coming up on a routine possession." "I don´t have much time." "Ifthey fiigure out my ruse, they´ll come after me." "What´s with bringing us in here?" "You two are inches from getting caught." "Going around killing people, about to uncaseyourwings." "Don´tyou know what´s going on?" "Well, we´re going home." "Really." "Areyou so clueless as to think you canjust waltz back into Heaven?" " Why not?" " Everybody is looking foryou." "Both sides." "Above and below." "Orders are to terminateyou on sight." " Really?" " Why?" "Becauseyou´re pissing people off, that´s why." "Word is that God´s pissed off atyour presumption... and I know Lucifer´s pissed because you assholes might make him look bad... by succeeding where he´s failed so many times." " So they´rejust gonna kill us?" " They´re gonna try." "That´s whyyou have to travel incognito." "Tone down your behavior." "Stay offtheir respective radars." "Quit killing people." "That´s high profiile." " Oh, lighten up." " I can´t believe theywanna kill us." "Oh, believe it, boys." "They´ve even got the last scion looking foryou." " Really?" " You´re kidding." "This is huge." "Your reentry is a thorn in a lot ofsides." "They´ll stop at nothing to prevent it." "In the meantime, I suggestyou fiind an alternate mode oftransportation." "Ifanything else comes up, I´ll contactyou." "Thankyou, Azrael." "You´re a true friend." "I have to get back to the pit before they get suspicious." "And remember, incognito." "Howyou coping, kid?" "It´s weird." "Just when I think I have a handle on things... something wholly unbelievable presents itself." "Sometimes I wish I´djust stayed home." "You sound like the Man." "What´s he like?" "He likes to listen to people talk." "Christ loved to sit around the fiire, listen to me and the other guys." "Wheneverwe were going on about unimportant shit... he always had a smile on his face." "His only real beefwith mankind... is the shit that gets carried out in His name." "Wars, bigotry, televangelism." "The big one, though, is the factioning ofall the religions." "He said mankind got it all wrong... by taking a good idea and building a beliefstructure on it." "You´re saying having beliefs is a bad thing?" "I just think it´s better to have ideas." "You can change an idea." "Changing a beliefis trickier." "People die for it." "People kill for it." "The whole ofexistence is injeopardy right now... because ofthe Catholic beliefstructure regarding this plenary indulgence shit." "Bartleby and Loki, whether they know it or not... are exploiting that belief... and ifthey´re successful... you, me, all ofthis ends in a heartbeat." "All over a belief." "I haven´t seen the moron twins in a while." "How aboutyou?" "One time we were at the mall, we tied Tubby to the ceiling... and he went flying through the air, fuckin´ crashed through the wall." "It was fucked up." "You two aren´t getting into any trouble, areyou?" "We´rejust about to smoke a fatty with these two suave motherfuckers... whojust got on at the last stop-- Larry and Barry." "So,Jay tells us you´re gonna sleep with him." "Hit this shit, man." "It´s good stuff." "Oh, fuck." "That´s some bad shit, dude." "You hit that?" "Yeah, you´re bad, dude." "Bad shit." "Why areyou heading to NewJersey?" "It´sjust this thing I have to do." "We´re going home." "Oh." "Doyou two live together?" "Unfortunately, yes." "So, how long haveyou two been together?" "A while." "He can be pretty flaky sometimes, but we have a lot in common." "How´d you meet?" "We were stationed together." "See, that´s beautiful." "Everybody´s always up in arms about this "out in the military" issue." "Pardon?" "You know, there´s all the macho bullshit about it being "this man´s army."" "You two meet there, hook up" "You thinkwe´re lovers?" "No, no." "We´re not gay." "Oh, God." "I´m sorry." " I just assumed." " Do I come offas gay?" "My ex-husband sort ofscrewed up my relationship awareness barometer." " You´re divorced." " That´s a nice way ofputting it." "I call it being dumped." "I was... dumped once." "Don´tyoujust constantly question yourvalue?" "Like, whywas I so easy to cast aside?" "And you wonder ifthe other party is gonna come to their senses... and call you back." "They always tell you it´ll hurt less with time." "When actually... it hurts more." "You know what we need?" "What do we need?" "We need drinks." "We need a lot ofdrinks." "Garcon." "You still go to church?" "Every Sunday." "Does it do anything foryou?" "It gives me time to balance my checkbook everyweek." "That´s what I´m saying." "People don´t go to church to feel spiritual anymore." "They go to church and feel bored... but they keep going everyweek just out ofhabit." "I am so buzzed." "When doyou think you lostyour faith?" "I remember the exact moment." "I was on the phone with my mother... and she was trying to counsel me through this" "this thing." "And when nothing she was saying was making me feel any better... she said..." "" Bethany..." "God has a plan."" "I was" " I was so angrywith her." "I was like..." ""What about my plans?"" " You know?" " Mm-hmm." "I had planned to have a family... with my husband." "Wasn´t that plan good enough for God?" "Apparently not." "How aboutyou?" "How´d you loseyour faith?" "A long time ago." "One day Godjust stopped listening." "I kept talking, but I got the distinct impression He wasn´t listening anymore." "How did you know She was listening in the fiirst place?" "Well, I guess I don´t." "I hate thoughts like that." "But, you know, they come toyou with age." "´Cause when you´re a kid you never question the whole faith thing." "God´s in Heaven, and He´s" "She´s always got her eye on you." "I´d give anything to feel that way again." "Guess that´s why I got talked into this pilgrimage." "Where is this pilgrimage to?" " You wouldn´t believe me ifl told you." " Try me." "All right, but I warned you." "Okay." "I´m going to this church in NewJersey." "Really." "KerwoodMandelto carthree." "KerwoodMandelto carthree." "See, I´m supposed to stop a couple ofangels... from going into the church." "They´re trying" "Shit." "They´re trying to get back into Heaven." "See, they got tossed out of Heaven... years ago, right?" "And ifthey get back in... it proves God wrong... and since God is infallible... to prove Herwrong... would, you know, unmake existence." "Maylhaveyourattention, please." "The diningcar willbe closing in fiiveminutes." "Thankyou." "I feel so stupid... just saying it." "The thing I don´t get is... how am I supposed to stop an angel?" "Two, even!" "I guess I´m supposed to talk them out ofit or something." "Maybeyou´re supposed to kill them." "Oh, yeah, right." "Kill them." "I mean, even ifthat were the case, which it´s not... how doyou kill an angel, Barry?" "Oh..." "I don´t suppose it´s much different from... killing a human." "Where is everybody?" "I wake up and" " The apostle." " Holy shit!" "Rufus, I wantyou to meet my new friend Barry." "Don´t be such a show-off, Barry." "Take it easy, Bartleby." "Just let her go." " We can talk about this." " Bartleby?" "After all this time, it comes down to slaughter by a meat puppet?" "Getyour fucking hands offme, you dickless son ofa bitch!" "Save it." "Five minutes ago you were aching to top me off." "Loki!" "Holy shit." "The apostle." "I didn´t come in you, Pete, I swear." "What areyou doing here?" "This woman has to stop two angels from entering a church." " Us?" " No, two other fucking angels." "I´d say there´s a pretty good chance." "Rufus, we´re to be liquidated?" "You haven´t thought about the consequences ofyour reentry." "Consequences, schmonsequences." "We´re going home, no matterwhose pride it may hurt." " It´s not a matter ofpride!" " Loki, kill the girl." "What areyou, high?" "I can´t kill her ifshe hasn´t done anything." "Fine." "I´ll kill her myself." "I fall asleep and everyone takes off?" " These guys are fuckin´ flat-leavers." " Shut his mouth." "Oh, shit!" "Jay!" "Biggie!" "The door!" "The door!" "Can´t we talk about this?" "Why don´t I just get off at the next stop!" "No ticket." " The apostle is here." " I noticed." " Then you know who she was, don´tyou?" " The scion, I imagine!" "Maybe we should rethink this whole thing." "I mean, you heard the guy." "He said there are consequences." "And Azrael tells us we´re marked?" "There´s more to this than we thought of." "I was close." "You know?" "I was so close to slitting that bitch´s throat." "Whoa." "You know how I felt?" "Righteous." "Justifiied." "Eager, even." "You all right?" "Your eyes are kinda" "My eyes are open." "For the fiirst time I get it." "When that little innocent girl let her mission slip, I had an epiphany." "See, in the beginning it was just us and Him-- angels and God." "Then He created humans." "Ours was designed to be a life ofservitude and worship... and bowing and scraping and adoration." "He gave them more than He ever gave us." "He gave them a choice." "They choose to acknowledge God or choose to ignore Him." "All this time we´ve been down here..." "I´ve felt the absence ofthe Divine Presence... and it´s pained me, as I´m sure it must have pained you." "And why?" "Because ofthe way He made us." "Had we been given free will we could choose to ignore the pain, like they do." "But no, we´re servants." "Okay." "All I´m saying here is that one ofus might need a little nap." "Wake up!" "These humans have besmirched everything He´s bestowed upon them." "Theywere given paradise;" "they threw it away." "Theywere given this planet;" "they destroyed it." "Theywere favored best among all His endeavors... and some ofthem don´t even believe He exists!" "And in spite ofit all..." "He has shown them infiinite fucking patience... at every turn." "What about us?" "I asked you once... to lay down the sword because I felt sorry for them." "What was the result?" "Our expulsion from paradise." "Where was His infiinite fucking patience then?" "It´s not right!" "It´s not fair!" "We´ve paid our debt!" "Don´tyou think it´s time?" "Don´tyou think it´s time we went home?" "And to do that, I thinkwe may have to dispatch ourwould-be dispatchers." "Wait." "Wait, wait." "Kill them?" "You´re talking about the last scion, for Christ´s sake." "And what aboutJay and Bob?" "Those guys were all right." "Don´t." "Don´t, my friend." "Don´t letyour sympathies get the best ofyou." "They did me once." "Scion or not... she´sjust a human... and by passing through that arch our sins are forgiven." "No harm, no foul." "My God." "I´ve heard a rant like this before." "What did you say?" " I´ve heard a rant like this before." " Don´tyou do that to me." " You sound like the morning star." " You shutyour fucking face!" "You sound like Lucifer, man!" "You´ve fucking lost it!" "You´re not talking about going home, Bartleby." "You´re talking about fucking war on God." "Well, fuck that." "I have seen what happens to the proud when they take on the Throne." "I´m going back to Wisconsin." "We´re going home, Loki... and no one, notyou, not even the Almighty Himself... is gonna make that otherwise." "Shit." "Why couldn´t we stay on the train?" "You threw those guys off." "Very basic strategy." "Ifyour enemies know whereyou are, then don´t be there." "Why are we enemies?" "Well, I know I´d perceive the person sent to kill me as an enemy." "What does that mean?" "Since when am I supposed to kill anybody?" "I´m tired ofall this cryptic bullshit." "I´m physically and psychologically exhausted, Rufus... and I´m ready to kick back and welcome the end ofexistence... unless you come clean right now." "Why me?" "Out ofall the people on the goddamn planet, whywas I tapped?" "Imagineyou´re a 1 2-year-old boy." "You´re told you´re God´s only son, but more than that, you´re God." "How long doyou think it would take to come to grips with something that huge?" "Maybe, say, 1 8 years?" "In the Bible,Jesus suddenly goes from age 1 2 to 30. 1 2 to 30." "Now, that´s some pretty bad storytelling." "Where are the volumes oftext dealing with the missing 1 8 years?" "I´ll tell you where." "Theywere offered up as a sacrifiice to the god ofecumenical politics." "You make it sound like there´s some church conspiracy... to cover up "the truth about Christ."" "Oh, bullshit." "Any important material about Christ... would give people a better understanding ofthe nature ofGod." " Whywould they leave any ofit out?" " Because it´s tied in with His family." " His mother and father." " His brothers and sisters." "Jesus didn´t have brothers and sisters." "Marywas a virgin." "Mary gave birth to Christ without having known a man´s touch." "This is true." "But she did have a husband." "Doyou really think he would´ve stayed married to her for all thoseyears... ifhe wasn´t gettin´ laid?" "The nature ofGod and the Virgin Birth, those are leaps offaith." "But to believe a married couple never got down, that´sjust plain gullibility." "Meaning?" "The blood that flows through yourveins... shares a chromosome or two at the genetic level... with the oneyou calIJesus." "Bethany, you are... the great-great-great-great-great-great- great-great-great-great-grandniece... ofJesus Christ." "So, that would make Bethany part black?" "I can´t do this anymore." "Whereyou gonna go?" "You know what I´m saying is right." " It´s bullshit." " Bethany." "It´s bullshit!" "Let her go, man." "Give her time." "Why?" "What the fuck do You want from me?" "I fucking hate You!" "I hate You." "He can´t hearyou, you know." "That´s whywe needed you." "Why didn´tyou tell me?" "Would you" "Could you have believed me?" "It was something you had to come to gradually." "Only after everything you´ve seen... everything you´ve heard... could you possibly be able to accept the truth." "I don´t want this." "It´s too big." "That´s whatJesus said." "I had to tell Him." "You can imagine how that hurt the Father... not to be able to tell the Son Himself... because one word from His lips would destroy the boy´s frail human form." "So I had to deliver the news to a scared child... who wanted nothing more than to playwith other children." "I had to tell this little boy that He was God´s only son... and it meant a life ofpersecution and eventual crucifiixion... at the hands ofthe very people He´d come to enlighten and redeem." "He begged me to take it all back." "As ifl could." "He begged me to "make it all not true."" "I´ll letyou in on something, Bethany, something I´ve never told anyone before." "Ifl had the power..." "I would have." "It´s unfair." "It´s unfair to ask a child to shoulder that responsibility... and to askyou to do the same now." "I sympathize." "I do." "I wish I could take it all back." "But I can´t." "This... is whoyou are." "Everything I am has been a lie?" "Knowing whatyou now know doesn´t mean you´re not whoyou were." "You are..." "Bethany Sloane." "No one can take that away from you, not even God." "All this means is a redefiinition ofthat identity." "The incorporation ofthis new data into whoyou are." "Be whoyou´ve always been." "Just... be this as well... from time to time." "Guess this means no more cheating on my taxes." "To say the least." "Doyou mind ifwe adjourn to somewhere... a tad more habitable... and a bit warmer?" "Fuck, I think this shit just kicked in." "Weren´t wejust in the woods?" "What are we doing here now?" "Going out in style." " The voice." " The apostle." "Now, who´s this motherfucker?" "The voice ofGod." "Show some respect." "Oh, the voice ofGod." "Where´s the rest of Him?" "Funnyyou should mention that." "We´re not sure." " What?" " Didn´t it ever occur toyou... that this Bartleby-Loki situation was well within the sphere of His control?" "Yes, but then whywas she tapped?" "You know those constitutionals that He likes to take?" ""Constitutionals"?" "I thinkwe´re beyond euphemisms at this point." "God´s a skeeball fanatic." "The Lord has quite a fancy for the game." "He´s been playing it foryears." "He assumes a human form once a month and indulges." "Doesn´t tell anyone where He´s playing." "Hejust goes away for a couple ofhours." "And He always gives His free points away to neighborhood children." "Isn´t that sweet?" "But She hasn´t come back from one ofthese day trips?" "No, "She" hasn´t... and we´ve been unable to locate " Her."" "He could´ve been killed." "Human form does have that drawback." "No, there´s a different sort offoul play afoot, children." "Whomever has set the renegade angels on their path... and is keeping them quite well hidden... is also responsible for the Lord´s whereabouts." "Were He to be killed in human form..." "He´d have returned immediately to Heaven." "Someone knew enough... to keep Him biologically alive... but incapacitate Him in another fashion." "And as omnipotent as we are above..." "I have to admit that we´re more or less lost without His presence." "We´ve looked everywhere for Him." "I tapped her because I thought we´d be able to smoke out whoever´s behind this." "But whoever he is has been clever enough to send some lackeys afteryou... as opposed to showing up themselves." "Could it be Lucifer?" "Not Lucifer." "Ifhe was, he´d have made his move by now to conquer Heaven." "And I know he´s not responsible for Bartleby and Loki... because he´s hadjust as much to lose by their return as anybody else." "What do we do now?" "I saywe get drunk, ´cause l´m all out ofideas." "Why don´t wejust ask this guy to close the church?" "I beg your pardon?" "The guy in charge ofthe church thing." "Cardinal Glick?" "Maybe we can ask him to shut down the church." "Ifit´s closed that day, those guys can´t get blessed orwhatever, right?" "Good Lord." "The little stoner´s got a point." "Maybe we could talk this guy Glick into cancelling the rededication ceremony." ""We"?" "Areyou saying you´re back in, Ms. I-Don´t-Think-l-Can-Do-This-Anymore?" "I wouldn´t want to let the family down, now would I?" "Well... the prophets fiinally live up to their titles." "Mass attendance is at an all-time low in this country... but ifwe can let ´em know the Catholic Church has a little panache... we can win ´em back, even get some new ones." "Excuse me." "Fill them pews, people." "That´s the key." "Grab the little ones as well." "Hook ´em while they´reyoung." " Kinda like the tobacco industry." " Christ, ifonlywe had their numbers." "We really appreciateyou seeing us this late in the day, Your Eminence." "My friends and I have been traveling all night in hope oftalking toyou... about the St. Michael´s rededication ceremony." "You looking to help out in some way?" "We´d likeyou to cancel the ceremony." "I beg your pardon." "There´s gonna be a world oftrouble if tomorrow´s ceremony goes on as planned." "Areyou pro-choice?" "The trouble´s not from us." "It´s from these renegade angels that´ve been stuck on Earth since the plagues." "These guys, they think they´re renegade angels." "See, Padre, it goes down like this." "These guys think that by passing through that archway, they can go to Heaven." "You want me to call offthe ceremony for that." "Who sentyou?" "We were sent by Him who is called I Am!" "Cute." "Really cute." "Playtime with the cardinal is over." " Worked for Moses." " Stay out ofthis." "It´s not ajoke." "I´m telling you, man, this ceremony´s a big mistake." "The Catholic Church does not make mistakes." "Please!" "What about the Church´s silent consent ofthe slave trade?" "And its platform ofnoninvolvement during the Holocaust?" "All right, mistakes were made." "But one can hardly hold the current incarnation of Holy Mother Church... responsible for the oversights ofold." "I´m a very important man with important matters that demand my attention... so ifyou please" " But tomorrow" " Tomorrow goes offwithout a hitch." "Do I make myselfclear?" "Neitheryou nor any other influence short ofthe hand ofGod Himself... is gonna keep this thing from going offwithout a hitch." "I can see the headlines now... ifthere were gonna be any." "" Existence Erased."" "Don´t worry about it." "We evened the score." "Hand it over, Silent Bob." "What up." "You stole the cardinal´s driver?" "That´s what he gets for messin´ with our girlfriend." "Cross-dressin´ fuck." "That´s sort ofsweet." "Thanks, guys." "What do we do now about Bartleby and Loki?" "I guess we´re gonna have to try and kill ´em." " You said they couldn´t be killed." " Correction." "Theywon´t be killed." "Andjust to ensure that, we´re all gonna sit tight... right here... until those two idiots pass through that arch." "There´s only one idiot here, Azrael... and I´m looking right at him." "Muse!" "Just in time tojoin us for a drink." "Hey." "Where´d you come from?" " Where´d you come from?" " Me?" "Nothingness." "And that´s where l´m returning to in approximately, oh, one hour." "All right, Plato, sounds likeyou´ve had enough already." " Let´s go." " Oh, darn it!" "Come on, barkeep,just one drink." "One for the road, then I´m gone?" "I was trying to fiind you to tell you I fiigured out who was behind all this." "Is that who I think it is?" " None other than." " Who is he?" "All right, one drink." "Then you´re gone." "Give me a..." "Holy Bartender." "Never heard ofit." "He doesn´t know how to make a Holy Bartender." "You do, don´tyou, Muse?" "Don´t." "Anybody?" "No?" "Well, I know how to make a Holy Bartender." "Get it?" "SweetJesus, Azrael!" "Why?" "Come on, Demon!" "Try that shit on somebodywho´s already dead!" "Oh, Apostle, you maintain that kind ofan attitude... and you and the barkeep won´t be the only corpses in the room." "The Christ bitch will join you." "Areyou really that stupid?" "You do know what´s gonna happen ifthose twojerks enter that church." "I´m actually counting on it." "And ifmy calculations are correct... the pawns are moving into checkmate as we speak." "" Holy Bartender." I get it." "That´s a great one!" "I´d also like to acknowledge this great state´s governor, Elizabeth Dalton... for coming this morning." "She´s a Protestant, but we´re not gonna hold that against her." "Now, let mejust tell you a little bit ofhistory about this particular... hundred-years-young house ofGod." "God´s house?" "God doesn´t live here anymore." "He´s grown weary ofyour superfiicial faith." "He´s turned a deafear toyour lip-service prayers." " He has abandoned you, his favorites..." " Sorry." "to the whim ofjudgment." "Hypocrites, charlatans... prepare to taste God´s wrath." "Maybe we shouldjust leave." "You wanted your body count." "You got it." "This lot is rife with sin." "We´ll judge them all." "Offiicer McGhee." "All right, mouthpiece..." "let´s leave the nice cardinal alone and go for a ride." "Mr. McGhee, don´t make me angry." "You wouldn´t like me when I´m angry." "Is that so?" "Ladies and gentlemen... you have beenjudged as guilty of violations against ourAlmighty God... and this very day..." "I assureyou you will all pay foryour trespasses... in blood." " Wings." "Now." " I´m feeling a little exposed here." "Do it!" " So he´s a muse too?" " Former muse." "He was kicked out." "Ever the fucking apple polisher." "Then what happened?" "Yes, what?" "Well, Luciferjust had to start his little war for the throne." "Heaven became divided into two factions-- the faithful and the renegades." "Oh, the Ethereal Plains were chaotic with battle." "Angel against angel." "And when it was all over, God cast the rebels into perdition." "But Azrael refused to flight." "He remained in the middle, waiting to see who came out victorious." "What areyou, some kind offuckin´ chicken?" "No." "I was an artist... stupid!" "I was inspiration!" "A muse has no place in battle." "So after the fallen were banished to Hell..." "God turned on those that wouldn´t flight... and Azrael was sent down with the demons... something he considers a great injustice." "Oh, come on." "Don´t tell meyou never questioned thejudgment, Serendipity." "No." "It never bothered me." "Soyou were an artist." "Big deal!" "Elvis was an artist... but that didn´t stop him from joining the service in time ofwar." "That´s why he is the king... and you´re a schmuck." "Nice." "So all this is about revenge." "You´re gonna unmake existence becauseyou have a grudge against God?" "After the fiirst million years?" "No." "Escape from Hell became my all-consuming reason." "So I studied the religions and waited for my opportunity to present itself... which it fiinally did... in Catholicism." "Plenary indulgence." "But I couldn´t exercise it." "Demons can´t become human." "No, we can´t transubstantiate." "But angels can." "Bartleby and Loki." "After that it was a simple matter ofwaiting for a church... to celebrate their centennial... and when that fiinally happened I sent the pair an article laced with ideas." "An incantation I picked up in the pit... kept them cloaked and off Heaven´s radars." "And aside from the triplets here and the Golgothan... no soul in Hell had a clue as to what was going on." "But the Almighty could still putsch the whole deal... so I dispatched Him in a fairly ingenious fashion." "Her." "And how?" "That´s the only thing I couldn´t fiigure out." "Oh, no, I´ve seen way too many Bond movies to know... thatyou never reveal all the details ofyour plan... no matter how close you may thinkyou are to winning." "The only "X" factorwas the involvement ofthe last scion here." "But fat lot ofgood that did, right?" "I mean, hereyou all are." "Powerless to stop the inevitable." "Look, asshole, I don´t know ifanyone explained the rules toyou... but ifyou succeed everything gets blinked out ofexistence, even you." "Human, haveyou ever been to Hell?" "I think not." "I´d rather not exist than go back to that." "And ifeveryone has to go down with me, so be it." "Still thinking only aboutyourself... you fucking child!" "Now, now, now." "Things are getting too intense in here." "Hey!" "What say we watch a little TV?" "Yo, put on channel 9." "DaveyandGoliath." "Actually, I was thinking more along the lines ofcurrent events." "Keeprolling!" "Keeprolling!" "Irepeat, men withhuge fucking wings... havelaidwaste tost." "Michael´s!" "Bullets don´tseem toaffect them!" "Theremainderofthe crowd have droppedto theirknees... identifying this as the fabledapocalypse." "Now, I´m notaman offaith, butl´m inclinedtoagree." "Oh, God, please, don´tcomeanycloser!" "God, no!" "You see that?" "And I told them to keep a low profiile." "I´d be pissed, but in a couple minutes it´s not going to matter anyway." "Oh?" "Oh, now what was that all about?" "What?" "Oh, nothing." "I had something in my eye." "Now who´s the fucking child?" "What did you tell him, to hit me with the golfclub?" "Areyou serious?" "I´m a fucking demon." "You´d have him assault me with a putter?" "You want to play?" "Then we´ll play." "One side, Red." "Go ahead, then." "Pick it up." "Call it a gift." "Come on." "That´s it." "Take a shot." "Takeyour best fucking shot." "Seriously." "I´m not kidding." "Take it." "Come on." "Come on, bright boy." "Don´tyou know anything?" "Bethany, bless the sink!" " What?" "Just do it!" "Bless the sink, damn it!" "That´s whatyou get, motherfucker." "But I´m a fucking demon." "Whatjust happened?" "He said it himself:" ""l´m a fucking demon."" "Hit a demon with an instrument ofGod, the pure side so it´ll do some damage." "Silent Bob´s an instrument ofGod?" "No, but Glick´s the kind ofasshole who´d bless his clubs for a better game." " But the sink?" " You´ve got the divine heritage." "Sanctifying isjust one ofthe fringe benefiits." "Remind me to try the water-to-wine thing at my next party." " How far away is this church?" " Three towns over, about ten miles." " Rufus, grab the gun." " Ten steps ahead ofyou." "Take the bartender´s car." "He won´t need it." "The whole fucking world´s against us, dude, I swear to God." "Oh, my God." "And people wonderwhy I don´t go to church anymore." "Are we too late?" "To save these poor schmucks?" "Yeah." "But we still exist." "Where are they?" "They could already be in the church." "Which means ifthey come out, nobody touches them." "Areyou shitting me?" "The brother here is gonna shred ´em with his angel-be-good special." "Huh, homey?" "Ifthey pass through that arch, they come out clean." "And ifthey die, they go straight up." "And hello!" "We know what happens then, right?" " Why don´t theyjust kill themselves?" " It´s a mortal sin." "Die with a mortal sin on your soul and you burn." "They don´t want to go to hell." "Then what, are we supposed tojust wait for a solution to fall from the sky?" "Friend ofyours?" "No, that was a cardinal." "You can´t tell from his face, but the rosaries are a dead giveaway." "It´s one ofthem!" "Kill that motherfucker!" "Don´tyou listen?" " We can´t touch him!" " I wasn´t." "I was gonna shoot his ass." "He´s been at it for a while now." "Please!" "Please!" "We ran out ofparishioners... so hejust started picking up folk offthe road andjust dropping ´em." "This isjust eons ofrepression getting purged." "Ifonly they´d let usjerk off." "Whoops." "Take a step back." "Let me go!" "Why?" "What areyou trying to prove?" " All these people!" " Hey, this wasn´t my idea!" "Jesus Christ!" "I just wanted to go home." "But him, you know... hejust lost it." "He realized whoyou were and whatyou were gonna have to do." "Hejust snapped." "The funny thing is, this guy could never even stand to see me work." "He said he felt sorry foryou people." "Now look at him." "This guy´s fuckin´ drunker than hell." "Which means he´s human now." "His wings have been cut off." "The muse?" "Oh, no way!" "I haven´t seen you-- You look terrifiic." "Wow!" "What´s with the tits?" "Can l" "Haveyou walked through the arch yet?" "Tell me." "Haveyou gone in and come out through the archwayyet?" "No!" "He´s back." "We were awaiting your arrival." "Bartleby, wait." "Stop." "Listen to me." "You can´t go through with this." "Azrael wasjust using you." "Ifyou go back" "I´ve become aware ofthe repercussions." "I know what I´m doing." "You sick, twisted fuck!" "Bethany." "You, ofall people, should understand what I´m trying to accomplish here." "You too know what it feels like to be cast aside." "Butyou´ve only dealt with the pain a fewyears." "I´ve dealt with it for a millennia." "Whileyou never seeyour ex-husband or how blissful he is with his new wife-- and he is" "seeing you people every day on this perfect world He created foryou... is a constant reminder... that though my kind came fiirst... your kind was most revered." "And whileyou know forgiveness... we know only regret." "The lesson must be taught." "All are accountable... even God." "Soon a cadre ofpolice will arrive... just in time to kill us as we exit the church." "Then this failed experiment called existence... will cease to be." "No." "Hey." "Hey!" "I can´t letyou do that, Bartleby." "This has gone too far." "I might have to takeyou down." "It´s okay." "Shh." "I´ll do it." "My compatriot." "Genocide takes a lot out ofhim." "He´s weakened." "You´re weak." "More importantly, he´s also a human being... a condition which carries two liabilities" "a conscience... and... a short life span." "I´m sorry, old friend, butyou lost the faith." "He´s lost it." "We´re fucked." " We´re absolutely fucked!" " I hear that shit." "I can´t believe this." "We´re on the brink ofnonexistence, and God´s still nowhere to be found." " What kind ofdeity gets kidnapped?" " Amen to that." "What the hell areyou doing?" "Ifthe whole world´s gonna end, you said you´d fuck me." " You´re a pig." " Nobody´s gonna beat that thing." "We can lay here all comatose like that John DoeJersey bastard over there..." " orwe can get making´ with the love." " What did you say?" "Make with the love." "It´s a nice way ofsaying boning." "No, aboutJohn DoeJersey." "That guy, the one theywon´t take offlife support--John DoeJersey." "This is where he´s at-- St. Michael´s Hospital." "Where´s the nearest boardwalk?" "I ain´t got time to win you a prize." "We gotta get to the fucking." " Where is it?" " Asbury Park, about fiive miles away." " Haveyou ever been there?" " Once, with this chick." "We were about to fuck on the carousel and I got sick, started puking." " Do they have skeeball there?" " Yeah." "That´s what I´m talkin´ about." "Whateveryou do, stall Bartleby from going into that church." "Bob, come with me." "Come on!" " How am I supposed to do that?" " Think ofsomething!" "I already did, but it takes two ofus!" "Irepeat, thisisnota drill." "Thisis theapocalypse." "Please exit thehospital inan orderlyfashion." "Thankyou." "Hey, Big Bird!" "Ready for the counting game?" "Count the shells, Suck-a-Duck." "No more bullets." "Now, what the fuck would you do that for?" "Angels have to cut theirwings off to become human." "Youjust did him a favor, stupid!" "I hopeyou´re the skeeball type." "Oh, Bartleby." "Was Wisconsin really that bad?" "Bow down, stupid!" "I´m sorry." "Anyone who isn´t dead or from another plane ofexistence... would do well to cover their ears right about now." "What the fuck?" "Thankyou." "It never ends!" "Get offofme." "I wanna see what´s up." "What the fuck is this shit?" "Who the fuck areyou, lady?" "Why the fuck did you hug my head?" "Quite a little mouth on him, isn´t there?" "What the fuck is this, The Piano?" "Why ain´t this broad talking´?" "I believe the answers thatyou seek lie within my companion´s eyes." "What the fuck does that mean?" "Has everyone gone fuckin´ nuts?" "What the fuck happened to that guy´s head?" "Shh." "Where was she?" "Imprisoned in a body." "Bethany fiigured it all out." "She´s a clever girl, that one." "Hang on a minute." "You missed a bit." "Well, then, you ready to go back, apostle?" "You ready to make some ofthose changes I been talking about?" "We´ll see." "Muse?" "Seeing as howyou just had to get involved... you´re welcome to return with us as well." "First I gotta say good-bye to Bethany." "Where is she?" "Oh, no." "Metatron, is she" "Afraid so." "One ofthe drawbacks to being a martyr is thatyou have to die." "But no matter." "All is being taken care of." "How so?" "Wax on, wax off." "How did l" "She can rebuild you." "She has the technology." "She can makeyou better, stronger, faster." "That´s..." "A very relieved deity." "You did well, little girl." "I knewyou´d come ´round." "Your kind always does." "You might want to take good care ofyourself." "We´re gonna need you down the road." "I know." "I´m the last scion." "Well, you´re halfright." "You were the last scion." "But now... this... is the last scion." "I´m pregnant?" "Can´t put anything pastyou." "Take care ofthat parcel for us." "She has a world ofwork ahead ofher." "Thankyou for..." "I don´t know... everything." "God, there´s a million things I wish I could askyou... most ofit questioning your great plan, and that´d be arrogant ofme, I know." "But there is one I need to ask." "I´m sureyou get it all the time, but how many chances like this will I get?" "Why are we here?" "Didn´t I tell you she was funny?" "I really enjoyed meeting you." "It was an honor." "You did so well." "I told you She was a woman." "She´s not really a woman." "She´s not really anything." "She´s something, all right." "Crisis offaith over?" "I think I´m now burdened with an overabundance." "When it rains, it pours." "Areyou saying you believe?" "But I have a good idea." "Yes!" "The Man was right aboutyou." "Now I´m gonna go home and tell Him so." "And ifyou clean upyour language..." "I just might put in a good word foryou too." "Thanks." "Why don´tyou name the kid after me?" "Rufus." "Yo, we should go to Quick Stop." "Youse guys wanna hear something sick?" "I got halfa stalk when she kissed me." "I couldn´t help it." "The bitch was hot." "You can´t talk to me that way anymore." "I´m gonna be somebody´s mother." "You´re pregnant?" "You know, when you´re pregnantyou can have sex until the third trimester." "I´ll keep that in mind." "So, that wouldmake Bethany partblack?"