"*" "* you won't admit you love me * * and so * * how am i ever * * to know?" "* * you always tell me * * perhaps, perhaps, perhaps *" "* perhaps * * perhaps *" "* perhaps *" "so, come on, what's she like?" "Shapely." "Shapely's good." "She's in the same train as you every morning, and she's shapely." "It's like Ursula andress and Pamela Anderson had a baby." "The words "long shot" somehow suggest themselves." "Premium shapely-- top-level, quality shapely." "Nothing wrong with shapely." "And long." "Long?" "Usually with a red shoe." "So, long, shapely, with a red shoe?" "Yeah." "Jeff?" "Are you describing a leg?" "I've only seen her leg." "She gets on the train with a whole bunch of people, and i never see her face." "And then she sits diagonally in front of me." "I can only see her leg." "You've fallen in love with just a leg?" "It's a great leg." "You haven't seen this leg." "Left or right?" "What?" "It's a leg-- what else is there to ask?" "Left." "Nice." "And brunette." "Brunette?" "I saw the back of her head once." "How was it?" "Pert." "She has a pert head?" "From the back." "Okay, there's one thing i don't get here." "What?" "You've seen this woman on the train, and you find her attractive, right?" "Yeah." "And you haven't had sex with her?" "No." "You see my problem?" "Let me explain, Patrick." "Here, on earth, there is a gap between seeing someone you like and having sex with them that we like to call "conversation."" "In Jeff's case, it can last for up to ten years." "Are you saying i don't converse?" "I converse." "I talk to women." "Well, do the women talk, too?" "Well, they must do." "Do you know what she's like?" "It's as if you took Naomi Campbell and Jenny agutter, and mixed them up in a big bowl with davina McCall's bottom." "Is it any wonder i love her?" "You don't love her." "You haven't seen her bottom." "Yeah, you haven't-- what?" "You haven't seen the woman on the train's bottom, so how do you know it's like davina McCall's?" "Ah, but i haven't seen davina McCall's bottom either." "I added davina's bottom to the Campbell-agutter mix to lend an air of enigma." "Davina does have an enigmatic bottom." "Is it lush, is it pert?" "Unh!" "The mystery continues." "But you've only seen her leg and the back of her head." "You haven't even seen her face." "When you're in love, you can see past not seeing stuff." "You can't call it "love" yet." "Otherwise, what do you call it when you get to know the front of her head as well as you know the back?" ""Breakfast"?" "You've been seeing him two whole weeks?" "That's broken your previous commitment record." "Which was?" "Breakfast?" "Liam bryson." "It's a good name, i like it." "And he's a doctor." "You get extra points for that." "What kind of doctor?" "A surgeon." "Not a gynecologist?" "No." "I've always wanted to date a gynecologist." "I want to know I'm special." "But is it love, or just the other thing?" "Definitely love." "How do you know it's not just great sex?" "You're here." "Maybe it's both." "Tell us more." "Well, he's significantly taller than my last two boyfriends, and he doesn't have a wife or a prison record." "I'm so proud of you." "He's kind and considerate, but i still want to have sex with him!" "What's he look like?" "Oh, is that what's wrong with him?" "Oh." "As a matter of fact, he's gorgeous." "How gorgeous?" "Okay, i didn't want to have to say this, i didn't want to boast but..." "Knitting pattern." "( both gasp ) knitting pattern guy has come to life, qualified as a doctor, and asked you out?" "My prayers are answered, and he missed me by one woman." "You can put away your knitting needles-- he's out, and he's mine." "Right." "So, what's wrong with him?" "Nothing's wrong with him." "Nothing at all." "He's wonderful." "Nothing, nothing, nothing!" "Good." "Great." "Much." "Ah." "Ah." "It's not worth bothering you with." "It's not a bother." "We're your friends." "We want to know what's wrong with your handsome boyfriend." "It's just--it's..." "It's just a stupid, tiny, insignificant, little thing." "Oh, that's the worst!" "I was talking about the problem, Jane." "Does he pick his teeth?" "Does he drink too much?" "Does he move house without telling you?" "That's the one i hate." "Why are you two so interested?" "You guys are just jealous 'cause I've got someone." "Ehh ehh ehh-- I've got someone, too." "Why would i be jealous?" "Yeah." "And I'm being stalked, actually, so I'm pretty secure in my attractiveness." "You're being stalked?" "Is that so hard to believe?" "My God!" "Every day on my way home from work, a man follows me." "It's true." "Have you been to the police?" "They said i was just being silly and paranoid." "I heard them laughing after i left." "How terrible." "Well, have you confronted the man who follows you?" "Well, there's no point, is there?" "I mean, it's never the same man twice." "Sometimes they switch over when I'm halfway home." "It's so well-organized." "Okay, returning from planet Jane, largely because I'm scared, what's the problem with your boyfriend?" "It's not a big problem." "Tiny, little character flaw." "I can kind of forgive him for it, but sometimes i kind of can't, you know?" "Absolutely." "Been there." "What does he do?" "Okay, sometimes-- actually, all of the time, and it's so irritating-- what?" "I can't stop criticizing him!" "Honestly, it's driving me up the wall!" "Uh, if you're criticizing him, isn't that your fault?" "Oh, that's right, take his side." "Why do you criticize him?" "He's a man." "He's a whole, exciting buffet of improvability." "I hardly know where to start-- hair, clothes, his mother." "You shouldn't try to change men, because they don't like it." "Then what's the point in having one?" "Sally, for once in your life, why not appreciate a man for what he is, not what you can make him into?" "I'm going to do that." "Of course I'm going to do that." "Good." "So, when can we meet him?" "When he's finished." "Okay, what about next Tuesday after work?" "Mm-hmm." "That's fine by me." "Steve's free, I'm sure we can get a hold of Patrick-- the boys will be there?" "Liam can't meet that lot." "What if they talk about sex?" "What if?" "What if Liam tells them about me?" "I can't stay friends with men who know what I'm like in bed." "I'd have to kill them." "Right, so you're saying you've killed every man you've ever been to bed with?" "Oh, i thought they just stopped phoning." "Sorry, excuse me." "Oh, excuse me, is there room for me there?" "Um, yeah." "Look, there's a seat back there, I'll move." "Oh." "Oh, no, are you sure?" "Yeah, there's more room." "Oh, thanks." "Oh, sorry." "( thinking ) okay, this is it Jeff, look at her." "Ustlookat her, you can do it." "H,i wasright, she's gorgeous!" "Sorry." "Is something wrong?" "No, no, nothing." "Um-- say something sensible, say something sensible." "You--you look just like the back of your head." "No!" "I-I'm sorry." "I mean, it's just, what i-- are you all right?" "I'm fine, yeah, I'm great, thanks." "It's just that I've always seen you sitting over there, and i could only see the back of your head." "Oh, okay." "But the front's just as good." "Better, in fact, because you've got a face." "And I'm not just saying that." "Well, thanks." "And--and you've got a leg." "Uh, i mean...another leg." "What?" "On'tpanic." "Eepitsensible." "Oncentrate." "I'm just saying it--it's great to see your legs together for once." "Uh, no, no!" "What i meant was, normally, i enjoy your legs separately." "Well, one of your legs anyway." "It was sitting over there with the rest of you, so, obviously, you'd know that." "But--but i could only see the left one." "Okay." "( exhales loudly ) but, you know, it's great to see them both here." "Well, that's good, huh?" "I'm not saying i preferred them separately." "You know, they're better together." "I can see that." "They're, well, they're like a leg team." "Good." "Believe me, I'm not trying to part your legs." "No, no, uh..." "Not "part" in the sense of, you know, um-- i mean, i don' want to-- what?" "Amputate one." "I'm sorry?" "I'm not one of these amputators." "Mputators?" "!" "Amputators?" "Yeah, in case you were worrying." "I'm not one." "What do you mean "amputators"?" "Well..." "What are you talking about amputating for?" "I'm sorry." "It's on my mind." "Why?" "Well..." "Xplain--tellher you just got lost, tell her the truth." "Because..." "Hetruth,foronce!" "On'ttellastupidlie!" "I got a wooden leg." "Oh." "Oh, no." "Really?" "Yes, i had one of my legs amputated." "But never mind, eh?" "I'm so sorry." "Well, no wonder it's on your mind." "It's not a problem." "Really." "Easy come, easy go." "Which one?" "I'm sorry?" "Which leg did you have amputated?" "Um-- think, think!" "Hycan'tithink?" "Sorry, it was such a long time ago." "What?" "The left one." "It was the left." "What was wrong with it?" "Um..." "Well, it--it was rubbish." "Rubbish?" "I had a--a leg...illness." "Why do you get so nervous?" "Is it because of your leg?" "Yeah, it--it's my leg's fault." "Are you scared of what people will think?" "I--I'm always scared of what people will think." "Well, you want to know what i think?" "What?" "I have a little bit of experience with disability, and i think..." "You're very, very brave." "Oh, good." "Hi, darling." "Sorry I'm late." "Davina McCall's ass-- pert or lush?" "Or, to put it another way, "hello."" "So, is Sally here yet?" "'Cause she's gonna drop by with her new bloke." "What, the surgeon guy?" "Yeah." "Sally's going out with a surgeon?" "Is that Jeff?" "Steve:" "Of course it's Jeff." "Susan:" "What do you mean "of course"?" "He's with a woman." "That's practically a disguise!" "Shh!" "Well, this is nice." "It's brilliant!" "Do you know what would be even nicer?" "Well, um-- in case you haven't been counting, this is the third time we've been out." "Oh, right." "Third time, eh?" "Definitely." "I've been enjoying myself so much it doesn't feel like three times already." "Feels more like..." "Twice." "Well, doesn't time fly?" "And we're not even really enjoying ourselves yet." "Um...yeah." "Before we do any more enjoying, there's something I'd probably better mention." "Is this about your leg?" "Yeah, it's pretty much about my leg." "Listen, I've told you, i keep on telling you, it doesn't bother me." "In fact, one of the first things that Drew me to you was-- you're someone who's had to be brave." "Oh, uh, it was--it was nothing." "Losing your leg was nothing?" "Well, what's a leg?" "There's plenty more legs in..." "The Sea..." "Of legs." "The leg Sea." "That's not an actual place." "No." "You know what's sweet?" "You never tried to impress me." "You have no idea the kind of rubbish men say just to get me into bed." "Probably got a bit of an idea." "The lies I've been told." "Lies." "Those are bad." "Oh, listen, i have to go and talk to someone, okay?" "Mmm." "Stay hot." "So?" "She's gorgeous and you're definitely in." "What's the problem this time?" "This is the worst one ever!" "I--i--i can't even talk about it!" "Jeff, Jeff." "I know about the giggle loop, the sock gap, the nudity buffer, and what you said to Audrey watkins." "Believe me, there is nothing you can possibly say that will surprise me." "What's gone wrong this time?" "I've got too many legs." "I'm glad we chose that jacket." "It really sorts out your shoulders." "What's wrong with my shoulders?" "You've got loppy shoulders." "And now they're symmetrical." "What?" "Of course, now your head's a bit small." "Try to emphasize your head." "Oh, I've got a small head now." "I'm not saying it's small, Liam." "I'm just saying try to remind people it's there." "It's not small." "Of course it isn't." "It's discreet." "Which is lucky, because it's the tiniest bit off-center." "Now, remember, don't keep on about your work." "People don't want to hear all the gory details-- i know, i know." "And no sex talk with the boys." "You said--four times." "Once with your foot on my neck." "So, on your first meeting with this woman, you accidentally told her you have..." "One leg." "It's perfect, isn't it?" "This is the curse of Jeff murdoch." "I meet the woman of my dreams, and i can't take my trousers off." "Think you're gonna have to." "But what about my legs?" "Well, she's bound to count them eventually." "Steve." "Well, if it's any help," "Sally's new boyfriend is a surgeon." "On the other hand, you could just tell her." "I think that might be better." "And this is Steve." "Steve, this is Liam." "Hi." "Heard a lot about you." "Good to meet you." "Right, everybody, I'm getting so tired of this." "I'm being stalked again." "And this is Jane." "Try to remain calm." "There was a guy sitting on a bench, reading a newspaper, and stalking me." "Jane, how can you be stalked by someone who isn't moving, or, in fact, looking at you?" "Okay, maybe he was just ugly." "But that's bad, too." "Oh, hello." "Hi." "You two know each other?" "Of course." "Uh, is this your new boyfriend?" "Can i have a quick word with you, please?" "But-- over here, please." "But you said-- buy you said your boyfriend was a surgeon." "He works in that general area, yes." "He works in my street." "He's a butcher!" "He was demoted." "Jeff, I've got some people i want you to meet." "No." "Chrissie, listen." "It'll only take a minute." "Chrissie, please." "It's about my leg." "What about it?" "I think it's..." "Improving." "What are you on about?" "Come on, i really want you to meet these people." "It's a surprise." "Chrissie, i need to explain something." "Explain in a minute." "David-- hi, you must be Jeff." "This is David." "He's my brother." "He's the best guy in the whole wide world, and he's my absolute hero." "And he's come here tonight just to meet you." "Great, fantastic." "Hi." "Listen, i really need to talk to you." "Yeah, well i especially wanted you to talk to him." "Tell him why, David." "Chrissie-- i lost a leg, too." "I lost my right leg in a car crash five years ago." "See, you remember when i told you i had experience with disability?" "Well, this is him." "I know exactly what David's been through." "So, i know exactly what you've been through, too, Jeff." "Oh..." "You're my two brave boys." "Oh, I'm not really that brave." "I'm sorry, i should have told you about David before." "I know." "Um-- i just didn't want you to feel, well, pressured." "Listen, before this goes any further." "Hang on a moment, Jeff, one more thing." "Meet the guys." "All:" "Hi, Jeff." "This is our little disability support group." "We've got amputees, we've got the lot." "Normally we meet along the road, but, tonight, we wanted to come here and meet you." "Chrissie told me you were having some problems." "Great." "Everybody, give a big welcome to Jeff-- a brave, brave man." "So, not a surgeon, then?" "I didn't want to say he was a butcher." "People would make butcher jokes." "I don't want to be the butt of a lot of butcher jokes." "What are butcher jokes?" "I don't know, but I'm sure they're out there." "They better not be talking about sex." "So, how did you meet Sally?" "Uh, just at work." "At work?" "She's one of my regulars." "Your regulars?" "It's not serious, is it?" "Well, we're getting on pretty well i think." "Yeah, but Sally's all right?" "Yeah, she's great." "Fine." "Terrific." "Anyway, i thought to myself, "she looks nice, let's put her straight to the front of the queue."" "Are you really supposed to do that?" "Who cares?" "So, love at first sight, then?" "Well, almost first sight." "I had to sort her out first." "What do you mean "sort her out" exactly?" "Do you mean in your professional capacity?" "Well, you know how it goes-- a few choice cuts, and you've got the woman of your dreams." "Really?" "That's handy." "Is it strictly ethical?" "You've got to sort out your regulars." "You should send Susan to me sometime." "What did you have in mind?" "What do you mean?" "What's your speciality?" "I've got a new secretary, and she could do with some help." "Ah, definitely rump." "Nice." "Good one." "They could be over there talking about sex." "About me." "Sally, you can't keep lying about your boyfriends." "But i can't end up with a butcher." "Have you seen butcher's wives?" "They're gigantic!" "I'll develop a deep, booming laugh and rows and rows of extra breasts." "I can't let that happen to me!" "So, what kind of prosthetic do you have, Jeff?" "Uh-- um-- i think it was a..." "Footmatic." "Can i just borrow mr." "Sex here for a moment?" "Sure, yeah." "A footmatic?" "It's very new." "Listen, my flat mate's just got back--jeanie." "Give her a wave." "She thinks you're cute, too." "Anyway, I've got to go home with her." "She needs me to help her out with something." "Do you want to come, too, or do you want to stay and talk to your new friends?" "Listen, i don't want to sway you, but this could be your lucky night." "Uh, well maybe we should just take things a bit-- slower." "Relationship-wise." "Oh, relationship-wise, yeah, we should take things very slow." "Good, yeah." "But let's get stuck right into the rampant sex, shall we?" "That's much easier." "Yeah, yeah, uh, obviously." "But--but you need to help your flat mate tonight." "Oh, no." "Don't worry about that." "She's the manager of a lingerie firm." "She just likes us to try out all the new lines." "You know, we just prance around the flat all night in naughty underwear." "You're very welcome to come and watch." "Would you like to?" "Uh, well, i don't know, you know." "Um" "I'll tell you what." "Here's the key to my flat." "Jeanie and i will head back now, and if you want to, you can join us later." "We'll try not to start without you." "Jeff?" "Jeff, are you crying?" "No." "No, I'm just really excited about all the underwear and rampant sex." "Oh, darling." "Starting tonight, that's gonna be your whole life." "You bastard!" "You evil, evil bastard!" "Are you Sally's boyfriend?" "Yes." "Do you do legs?" "Well, yeah." "How much for just the left one?" "I'm serious, you'd be doing me a favor!" "Take my leg!" "Okay." "Let's just go and talk about this." "No, you don't understand, Steve." "I've got the key to the gates of paradise, but I've got too many legs!" "I'm sure we've all felt that way at some time or other." "So, Sally, Liam's certainly been doing some lovely things to your bottom." "* if you can make your mind up * * we'll never * * get started *" "* and i don't want to wind up * * being parted, broken-hearted * * so, if you really love me * * say yes * * and please don't tell me * * perhaps, perhaps, perhaps *"