"I deliver perfection..." "and don't brag about it!" ":" "D" "Okay, you ready for this?" "As ever." "Let's do it." "Let's play "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?"" "Who wrote the phrase "No man is an island"?" "John Donne?" "John Milton?" "John F. Kennedy?" "Jon Bon Jovi?" "Jon Bon Jovi." "Too easy." "And, if I may say so, a complete load of bollocks." "In my opinion, all men are islands." "And what's more, now's the time to be one." "This is an island age." "A hundred years ago, you had to depend on other people." "No one had TV or CDs or DVDs or videos  or home espresso makers." "Actually, they didn't have anything cool." "Whereas now, you see  you can make yourself a little island paradise." "With the right supplies and the right attitude  you can be sun-drenched, tropical, a magnet  for young Swedish tourists." "Hi, it's Kristina." "I haven't heard from you." "I had a great time last weekend." "So give me a call, okay?" "'Bye." "And I like to think that perhaps I am that kind of island." "I like to think I'm pretty cool." "I like to think I'm Ibiza." "There were people who had a good time in life." "I was beginning to realize I wasn't one of them." "I just didn't fit." "I didn't fit at my old school." "I definitely didn't fit at my new one." "I heard that some kids got taught by their parents at home." "Mum couldn't do that, unless I paid her to teach me." "Because it was just her and me." "And she went to work." "She made £400 a week." "Where was I gonna get that kind of money from?" "Maybe if I was like that movie kid, Haley Joel Osment  I could pay her that much." "But if that meant being good at drama, forget it." "I was crap at drama." "'Cause I hated standing up in front of people." "So, basically, I had to go to school." "The sad fact is that, like any island dweller  from time to time I had to visit the mainland." "This is Imogene." "You can hold her if you like." "That's..." "Well, okay." "Yeah." "Got her." "Lovely." "Yeah, she's delightful, isn't she?" "I know." "Isn't she?" "To tell the truth, I'm being crap with her." "You better take her back." "She could've been yours if you got your act together." "Just think of that, yeah." "So, the place is looking really nice." "Barney, Barney, Barney." "Say hello to Will, Barney." "Here we go." "It's the Antichrist." "Hello, Barney." "How are you?" " He's lovely." " Yeah." "And what about you, Will?" "Any desire for a family of your own yet?" "I'd rather eat Barney's nappies." "Not really." "I'm sort of all right as I am." "Please, Will." "What does that mean? "Please" what?" "Look at yourself." "You're 38 and you've never had a job or a relationship that lasted longer than two months." "I wouldn't exactly say you were okay." "I mean, I would say you were a disaster." "I mean, what is the point of your life?" "Bloody hell." "You're right." "There's probably no point to my life but thank you for bringing it up." "The reason we wanted you to come here today was we wanted to ask you how would you like to be lmogene's godfather?" "Seriously?" "Seriously." "Listen, I'm really, really touched." "But you must be joking." "I couldn't possibly think of a worse godfather for Imogene." "You know me." "I'll drop her at her christening." "I'll forget her birthdays until her 18th, when I'll take her out and get her drunk and possibly, let's face it, you know, try and shag her." "I mean, seriously, it's a very, very bad choice." "We know, I just thought you had hidden depths." "No." "No." "You've always had that wrong." "I really am this shallow." "Here we are." "You know you don't have to walk me to school anymore now, Mum." "I know the way now." "But what if I like walking you to school?" "Right." "Who are you?" "I'm me." "And what are you not?" "A sheep." "Right." "And what does a sheep go?" "Marcus?" "I love you." "Look." "I love you, too." "I love you, Marcus!" "Love you!" "Look at him!" "While I couldn't accept the offer  to become their child's godfather  I did allow them to set me up with Angie, a rather beautiful coworker of Christine's." "They had, however, being them, neglected to tell me one thing." "There's something you don't know about me." "Yeah?" "Something exciting?" "I think so, yes." "I have a 3-year-old boy." "I wanted to throw the napkin on the floor, push over the table and run." "Brilliant." "I love kids." "Yeah." "I like messing about with them." "Doing kid things." "I'd have been disappointed if you didn't have a child." "Why do you say that?" "God knows." "Mainly because it sounded smooth and winning." "Because I love kids so much." "They're so lovely." "What in God's name are you saying, you idiot?" "She can't be buying this rubbish." "But she did buy my rubbish." "And for the next few weeks I was suddenly Will the Good Guy." "Her kid took to me, mainly because on our first meeting  I took him to the zoo and held him upside down by his ankles." "I wish relationships with proper humans were that easy." "You know, you are brilliant." "I came to realize that with single mums  particularly ones who'd been badly treated  and eventually abandoned by the father of their children, you became by comparison..." "You are a wonderful person." "No, I'm not." "But it was hard to be wonderful all the time." "Eventually I began to wonder whether Angie was exactly what I was looking for." "For instance, she was late for the new IMAX movie because the babysitter hadn't turned up." "I'm so sorry." "It's all right." "That pissed me off." " You okay?" " Yes." "And there were deeper problems." "She couldn't stay at my place, and she didn't have a DVD, or satellite or cable." "So we were always stuck watching some crap made-for-TV movie about a kid with leukemia." "I'm afraid there's nothing we can do." "God!" "No!" "Please, please, no!" "I was going to have to end it." "But having been Will the Good Guy  I didn't relish going back to my role of Will the Unreliable, Emotionally-stunted Asshole." "I'm sorry?" "You're breaking up with me?" "You self-centered bastard." "I can't believe I've wasted all this time with you!" "You useless, superficial loser." "Will..." "Then something magical happened." "I'm sorry." "I'm not sure this is working out." "It's not you." "You've been great." "It's me." "Well, my situation with Louie and his dad." "I'm not ready to launch into a relationship with anybody new." "Yeah." "I'm so sorry." "I think I understand." "You're a wonderful man, Will." "I'd never watched a woman cry without feeling responsible before." "She even wanted me to forgive her." "It felt amazing." "Listen, you don't have anything to feel sorry about." "Really." "So that was the end of Angie, but the beginning of a whole new thing." "Single mums." "Why hadn't anyone told me about them before?" "Passionate sex, a lot of ego massage and a guilt-free parting." "There must be thousands, just waiting for a nice guy to sleep with and break up with." "Fabulous, sexy, gorgeous single mums." "Can I have Cocoa Puffs?" "No, it's not Sunday." "The crying had started again." "And it scared me  'cause now it was in the mornings." "She'd never done that before." "I couldn't figure it out." "Nobody was dead." "She had a job as a music therapist, which is kind of a teacher for sick kids." "So there was enough money for food and everything." "Should I get my own breakfast?" "No, I'm doing it." "So, you looking forward to school today?" "Today, you'll need to effect  the decimal point when you multiply it by 10  100 and 1000." "## Nothing to do but frown #" "# Rainy days and Mondays always get me down ##" "Thank you very much, Marcus." "Hi, Nicky." "Hi, Mark." " Are you going to Computer Club later?" " I don't know." "Marcus..." "Madonna!" "Go on, give us a song!" "You'd like that, wouldn't you?" "Spice Girls or something." "Three of them." "Yeah." "Hey, Spice Girls." "You made me lose my football." "Marcus, we don't really want you hanging around with us anymore." " Why not?" " Well, it's because of them." " They've got nothing to do with me." " Yes, they do." "We never had trouble with them before we started hanging out with you." "Now we get it every single day." "Besides, everyone thinks you're weird." "Only a bit, though." "Okay." "'Bye." "There you have it." "I was having a shit time at home and a shit time at school." "It was fine deciding single mums were the future  but the frustrating truth was I didn't have their numbers." " Hi, Dad." " Hey." "Where did they hang out?" "I'm a single father, I have a 2-year-old boy." "I'm a single father, I have a 2-year-old boy." "I'm a single father, I have a 2-year-old boy." "I'm a single father, I have a 2-year-old boy." "SPAT." "This was exciting." "A potential gold mine of single mums." "I could see the beautiful creatures now, getting roaring drunk  forgetting their troubles, ready to rock and roll." "That was when I was 7 months pregnant." "By the time I had the baby, he was in Majorca with another woman." "Not even the one he cheated on me with the first time." "Well, with me, it was the week before the birth." "He said I'd got too fat." "Mine was shagging his secretary." "Such a cliché." "I'll tell you one thing:" "Men are bastards." "After about 10 minutes  I wanted to cut my own penis off with a kitchen knife." "Me." "Yes." "I have a 2-year-old." "Ned." "He's got blue eyes and sort of sandy-colored hair and he's about 2'3"." "And his mum left." " Really?" " Yeah." "Yeah, I mean, obviously it was a very big shock because we were so happy, you know?" "Sandra's neurology practice was just up and running and then one day her bags were packed, and my best friend was waiting outside in his Ferrari." "Yeah." "You know, the Modena?" "The one with the supercharged engine, where you can see it through the back window?" " You got dumped then?" " Yeah." "May I ask, does your ex see Ned at all?" "Sorry, I didn't catch your name." "Suzie." "Suzie." "She doesn't see much of him, no." "How does he cope with that?" "He's a very good little boy." "Very, very brave." "They've got amazing resources, don't they?" "Just the other day I was thinking about my ex." "He came crawling up, put his little pudgy arms around my neck, and he said:" ""You hang in there, Dad."" "God, that's amazing for a 2-year-old!" "Is it?" "Yeah, he's very special." "Very, very special." "Sometimes I think, you know, he's the one taking care of me." "Teaching me the ways of the world." "Sorry." "Thank you." "My God, what a performance!" "I was even fooling myself." "There you go." "You okay?" "Yeah." "Perfect, thanks." " Trust me?" " Of course." "By the end of the evening, I had a date lined up." "Single parents alone together!" "Single parents alone together!" "All for one and one for all!" "The problem was I also had an imaginary 2-year-old son." "The date was a SPAT picnic in Regent's Park, with everyone bringing their kids." "Sadly, Ned couldn't be there." "His mum had come and picked him up at the last second." " What a shame." " Yeah." "I'm sorry." " Got it." " This is Megan, by the way." "Hello, Megan." "Yeah." "A friend of mine from SPAT isn't feeling so great so I said that we'd take her kid to the picnic, too." " Is that all right?" " Yeah." "The more the merrier." "Right." "Come on, slowcoach!" "I hated that SPAT lot." "Mum's friend Suzie was fine, but now there was that wally who wanted to get off with her." "Marcus, Will." "Will, Marcus." "Hi there." "Right." "Pile in, everyone." "Look what a mess Ned made of the car seat." "What a shame he can't come." "So, what do you do?" "Me?" "There were too many lies to keep track of so I told the truth." " Nothing." " Well, before then." " What do you mean, before I did nothing?" " Yeah." "I did nothing." "You've never worked?" "I've done the odd day here and there, but, no." "Crazy, isn't it?" "It's..." "Brilliant." "My God, I was going to have to tell her." "What happened, in fact, was that my dad wrote a song in 1958, and it's quite a famous song and I basically live off the royalties of that." "You know Michael Jackson?" "He makes a £1,000,000 a minute." "That's £60,000,000 an hour." "I don't make a £1,000,000 a minute." " Nothing like, sadly." " How much then?" "Marcus!" "I was beginning to wonder if we'd be stuck with this weird kid all day." "So, what's this song then?" "If you can live off it, we must've heard of it." "It's "Santa's Super Sleigh"." "God, please don't sing it." "## Look who's coming round the bend # # It's Santa and his reindeer friends #" "# With a ho, ho, ho and a hey, hey, hey, # # It's Santa's super sleigh ##" "I expect people do that all the time." "No, I think you two are the first." "Sorry." "I don't understand." "How does that make you money?" "Do carol singers have to pay you 10 percent?" "They should, but you can't always catch the little bastards." "So, how often do you look after him?" "Marcus." "Every once in a while." "His mum's a little off-color sometimes." "You call it off-color, I call it nuts." "She's not nuts, Marcus." "She just needs a weekend taking it easy." "We'll have a nice picnic, and when you get home, she'll be all rested up." "My God!" "What the hell is that?" "My mum's homemade bread." "It looks pretty good." "No, it isn't." "It's healthy." "You miss him, don't you?" "Who?" "Ned!" "Yeah." "Yeah, very much." "He'd have loved this." "I think I killed a duck." "I was only trying to feed it." "What's that floating in the water next to it?" "Is that your mum's bread?" "You didn't have to throw the whole loaf." "That would've killed me." "You the one who was throwing bloody great loaves at the ducks?" "Yeah, he was, but I've stopped him now." "You know, boys will be boys, and all that." "So he killed it." "No." "Sorry, I misunderstood you." "The duck was dead already." "He was throwing bread to try and sink the body because Megan here was getting upset." "Marcus wouldn't kill a duck." "Would you, Marcus?" "No." "I love ducks." "They're my second favorite animal after dolphins." "They can kill sharks with their noses." "I'll have to wade in and get it." "Listen, I hope it's not some sort of epidemic." "I think we beat the rap there, mate." "Yeah." "Well." "Marcus?" "Mum." "That day, the Dead Duck Day, was when it all began." "That bloke Will just followed us in and I didn't tell him not to." "Afterwards, I realized that there was no way I could have been nervous just then  because just then I didn't know there was anything to be nervous about." "But then I put the key in the lock, opened the door..." "Are you decent?" "And a new part of my life started." "Bang!" "Jesus Christ." "Oh, my God." " Will, call an ambulance." " Marcus, where's the phone?" "Where's the phone, mate?" "It was horrible." "Horrible." "But driving fast behind the ambulance was fantastic." "She's conscious." "She was okay in the ambulance." "She was asking after you, Marcus." "That's nice of her." "Listen, you know this has nothing to do with you, don't you?" "I mean, you're not the reason that she..." "You're not the reason that she's here." "Isn't that right, Will?" "Yeah, that's right." "I'll go get you some water." " I can get that." " No, you're okay." "Your mum's going to be okay." "Yeah, I suppose." "That's not the point, though, is it?" "Right, you mean you're afraid she might try again?" "Just shut up, all right?" "There you go, warm and flat." "Are you with Fiona Brewer?" "Yes, I'm her friend Suzie." "This is Marcus and Will." "She's recovering well, but we'll keep her overnight." "I'm going to get a consent form for Ms. Brewer so the boy can stay with you two tonight." "Right." "So, my place or yours?" "Sorry." "Okay." " I should get back to Ned, I think." " I'll take that." "All right." "All in all, this was very interesting." "So I'll call." "But I wouldn't want to do it every night." "See you soon." "The thing is, a person's life is like a TV show." "I was the star of "The Will Show"." "And "The Will Show" wasn't an ensemble drama." "Guests came and went, but I was the regular." "It came down to me, and me alone." "If Marcus' mum couldn't manage her own show  if her ratings were falling, it was sad, but that was her problem." "Ultimately, the whole single-mum plot line was a bit complicated for me." "I got the letter." "Thanks." "Oh, my God." "I'd forgotten." "You forgot?" "You forgot a suicide letter?" "I didn't think I'd have to remember it, did I?" "Did you read the part where I said I'd always love you?" "It's a bit hard for you to love me when you're dead, isn't it?" "I'm sorry." "I can understand why you're angry, Marcus." "I don't feel the same as I did yesterday, if that's any help." "What?" "It's all just gone away?" "All that?" "No, but at the moment, I feel better." ""At the moment" is no good to me." "I can see you feel better at the moment." "You just put the kettle on." "But what happens when you finish your tea?" "What happens when I go back to school?" " I can't be here to watch you all the time." " I know." "We have to look after each other." "The two of us." "Suddenly I realized two people isn't enough." "You need a backup." "If you're only two people, and someone drops off the edge  then you're on your own." "Two isn't a large enough number." "You need three, at least." " Three what?" " Nothing." "But I'd had a great idea." "The important thing in island living is to be your own activities director." "I find the key is to think of a day as units of time  each unit consisting of no more than 30 minutes." "Full hours can be a little bit intimidating  and most activities take about half an hour." "Taking a bath:" "One unit." "Watching "Countdown":" "Okay..." "One unit." "Web-based research:" "Two units." "Exercising:" "Three units." "Having my hair carefully disheveled:" "Four units." "It's amazing how the day fills up." "I often wonder, to be absolutely honest  if I'd ever really have time for a job." "How do people cram them in?" "Yeah, Will here." "It's Marcus." "Pardon?" "It's Marcus." "Marcus?" "Marcus." "Hi." "How'd you get my number?" "From Suzie." "I thought you'd like to take me out for the day on Saturday." "And why did you think that, Marcus?" "Suzie said we hit it off." "Did she?" "Yeah." " And you said, "See you soon."" " I said what?" "See you soon." "The night you dropped us off." "Remember?" "You said, "See you soon."" "This is soon, all right, Marcus." "The thing is, mate, my life is kind of hectic at the moment." "Why?" "I thought you did nothing." "I've got Ned and stuff to look after." "Matter of fact, I should be on the way to preschool right now." "What's that noise?" "That's a lawn mower." "So, you know, just time-wise it's not..." "Tell you what, just hold the line one sec." "Hold on, one sec." "Thanks." "But then I thought, Why not?" "Why shouldn't I take the poor little sod out for a meal?" "I could be Uncle Will." "Cool Uncle Will, King of the Kids." "Okay, Marcus." "You're on." "I'll come if you take my mum, too." "She has no money, so we'll have to go somewhere cheap or you'll have to treat us." "Listen, don't beat about the bush, Marcus." "Why should I?" "We're poor." "You're rich." "You pay." "Bring your little boy, I don't mind." "That's really big of you." "Fine." "Come round at 12:30 or something." "Remember where we live?" "Flat 2, 31 Craysfield Road, Islington, London, N12SF." "England, the world, the universe." "Yeah." "Marcus?" "So, Fiona, how are you?" " I mean, how are you feeling?" " My stomach's fine." "Great." "I must still be a bit barmy, though." "This kind of thing doesn't go away overnight, does it?" "No." "If Mum was going to get Will to marry her, she'd have to quit making jokes." "At least she looked good." "I had her put on that nice hairy jumper  and the earrings she got from her friend that went to Zimbabwe." "The kid seemed to think this was a date." "As for his mum, she was clearly insane  and appeared to be wearing some kind of Yeti costume." "This had better be quick." "We were definitely not ordering starters." "I'll start with the artichoke, please." "Then I'll have a mushroom omelet with fries and a Coke." " I'll have the vegetable platter." " We're vegetarians." "I'd never have guessed." "Steak sandwich, please, mate." "Thanks." "This was going really well." "I wondered if we were going to move into Will's place or move into someplace new." "## I heard he sang a good song #" "# I heard he had a style #" "I knew, of course, the song couldn't last forever  that I'd soon be at home, tucked up in bed." "I knew it, but I couldn't feel it." "# And there he was, this young boy #" "I must've been insane." "All I'd wanted was a date with Suzie." "This was my punishment." "# Strumming my pain with his fingers #" "The worst part was when they closed their eyes." "# Killing me softly with his song #" "# Killing me softly ##" "Come sing with us, Will." "I should really get going." "Thanks." "That's the problem with charity." "You must mean it." "You have to mean things to help people." "Like the time I volunteered to help out at a soup kitchen  and very nearly made it." "Or the time at Amnesty International." "Did you know in Burma you get seven years in prison for telling jokes?" "Next time you laugh, think of Pa Pa Lay, the Burmese standup comedian." "We're at a crucial stage in our struggle for human rights which have been grossly abused by the ruling junta." "We need your support more than ever." "Together we can make a difference..." "You're kidding." "And what's your boyfriend say about that?" "Wait a minute." "You say you haven't got a boyfriend?" "Talk about human rights violations." "Is that right?" "You're in the bath now?" "You have to mean things to help people." "Fiona meant "Killing Me Softly"." ""Killing Me Softly" meant something to her and look where she ended up." "Me, I didn't mean anything, about anything, to anyone." "I knew that guaranteed me a long, depression-free life." "Yet over the next few days, I did have a strange feeling." "Like a presence lurking at the back of my mind." "And I didn't like it." "You don't have a kid, do you?" "What?" "You don't have a kid, do you?" "Of course I do!" "What are you on about?" "No, you don't." "I've been watching you, and you don't have a kid." "What is it to you, anyway?" "Nothing." "Except you've been lying to me, my mum and my mum's friend." " Can I come in?" " No." "Why?" "'Cause I'm busy." " What are you doing?" " I'm watching TV." "I could watch it with you, if you like." "That's very nice of you but I usually manage on my own, thanks." "Don't you have homework to do, or something?" " Want to help?" " No, that's not what I meant." "I meant, why don't you go home and do your homework?" "I'll do you a deal." "I won't tell anyone you don't have a kid if you go out with my mum." "You'd want your mum to go out with someone like me?" "You're not too bad." "I mean, you told lies, but apart from that you seem okay." "And she's sad." "I think she'd like a boyfriend." "I can't just go out with someone because you want me to." "I'd have to like the person, as well." " What's wrong with her?" " Nothing's wrong with her, it's just the system." "That's how it..." "I'm not talking about this with you." "Just go." "Okay." "But I'll be back." "I'm really scared!" "That's the best I could come up with, "I'm scared."" "But as a matter of fact, I was." "Okay, that's it." "Tim, goodbye." " Jill, goodbye." "Carol, goodbye." " Goodbye." "And from me, arrivederci." "Bye-bye." "Thanks." "See you." "Hello, everybody." "Welcome to the game of "Countdown"." "You remember yesterday, Carol, I revealed to a grateful nation  that our guest, Tom O'Connell..." "Yes." "He, like all of us, changes for each show." "But he is such a..." "Is that right?" "Yeah." "Another term for "Hosta", I think." "Yes, well." "Named after Heinrich Christian Funck, who also invented disco dancing." "Yes." "I've got all his audios." "Mum, did you always know I was going to be a vegetarian?" "Yeah, of course I did." "I didn't decide on the spur of the moment 'cause we ran out of sausages." "Did you ask me if I wanted to be a vegetarian?" "What, when you were born?" "I do the cooking and I don't want to cook meat." "You have to eat what I eat." "But you don't let me go to McDonald's, either." "Is this premature teenage rebellion?" "I can't stop you from going to McDonald's." "I'd just be disappointed if you did." "Don't worry, Mum." "I won't go to McDonald's." "After a few visits, Will seemed to think he had to ask me serious questions." "But I knew he really wanted to watch Xena:" "Warrior Princess." "So, how's it going at home then?" " You mean my mum?" " Yeah." "She's all right, thanks." "I mean, you know, she's..." "Yeah, I know." "No, nothing like that." "Does it still bother you, then?" "Does it bother me?" "Are you decent?" "Every single day." "That's why I come here, instead of going home." "A bit." "When I think about it." "Fucking hell." "I don't know why he swore like that, but it made me feel better." "It made me feel like I wasn't being pathetic to get so scared." "I wouldn't make the mistake of asking about Fiona again." "Marcus was clearly screwed up about it  and unfortunately I couldn't think of anything to say that'd be of any value." "Next time he could talk to Suzie, or a counselor  or anybody capable of something more than an obscenity." "Shit!" "It can't be." "November-the-sodding-19." "Six weeks before Christmas and already they were playing the bloody thing." "Dad?" "What was your dad like?" "A bit sad, really." "You know, he wrote one crap song that turned out to be a massive hit and then spent the rest of his life trying to write a better one." "Do you ever want to write songs like him?" "Is that what the guitar's for?" "No." "So, that's just there to look cool." "Yeah." "I like "Santa's Super Sleigh"." "Madonna!" "Come here!" "We've got something." "He's getting away, look!" "Hurry up!" "On "Pet Rescue" today, the clever stoat keeps everyone  on their toes in Somerset." "Hey!" "What are you doing?" "Who are you?" "Who am I?" "Bugger off, that's who I am!" "Go on, piss off!" "Who were they, then?" "Who?" "What do you mean, "Who?"" "The ones trying to embed sweets into your skull." "Oh, them." "They're just a couple of older kids." "They started following me after school." "Does this happen often?" "They never chucked sweets before, they just thought of that." "I'm not talking about the sweets." "The kids trying to kill you." "Yeah, they give me a hard time." "You know, about my hair, and my clothes and singing and stuff." "And what?" "And singing?" "Sometimes I sing out loud without noticing." "That's not a brilliant idea, is it?" "I said I did it without noticing, didn't I?" "It just happens!" "I'm not going to do it on purpose, am I?" "I'm not stupid, you know." "My advice is to keep out of people's way." "Try to make yourself invisible." "How can I be invisible?" "One machine in your kitchen is an invisible machine?" "I don't think so." "I just try not to think of it, that's all." "It happens, and I wish it didn't, but that's life, isn't it?" "There's nothing I can do about it." "No." "There is something we can do about it, Marcus." "You're coming with me." "I was worried he was going to take me to the headmistress' office." "But instead he took me shopping." "I don't get it." "We're starting with your feet." "I can't make you invisible, but I can make you blend in with the crowd." "I don't know how to tie them." "They've got these funny strappy things." "It's called Velcro." "It's a revolutionary new technology." "For Christ's sake." "It's not hard." "All right, wait a minute, it is a bit hard." " Everything all right?" " Yeah, thanks." "Pretty trendy, your old man, isn't he?" "There." "You think you look cool, don't you?" "Don't know." " Do you think I look cool?" " Yeah, Marcus." " I think you look cool." " Yeah." "That's it, you got the walk." "That's really cool." "Brilliant." "High five." "Yeah." "I was suddenly hit by an extraordinary rush of well-being." "So this is what people meant by a natural high." "And it only cost £60." "I had made an unhappy boy temporarily happy." "And there wasn't anything in it for me at all." "I didn't even want to shag his mum." "Marcus!" "What happened to your shoes?" "They stole them." "Why would anyone want to steal your shoes?" "I could see I had to tell the truth." "The problem was, the truth would lead to a lot more questions." "They were nice ones." "They were just ordinary brown lace-ups." "No, they weren't." "They were cool new trainers." "Where did you get cool new trainers?" "She had loads more questions." "Will bought them for me." "Will?" " The guy who took us to lunch?" " Yeah." "He's sort of become my friend." "He's sort of become your friend?" "She kept repeating the last thing I said." "Except she shouted it." "I go round to his place after school." "You go round to his place after school!" " You see, he doesn't really have a kid." " He doesn't really have a kid?" "Can I play computer games now?" "Where does he live?" "He's not there at the moment." "He's out to dinner." "Christine had asked me to dinner for a pep talk." "You will end up childless and alone." "Both fingers crossed, yeah." "You must have a lot of courage." "Why is that, Christine?" "Most people need something in their lives to keep them afloat and you have absolutely nothing." "Doesn't that scare you?" "Do you know what you want?" "Yes, I do." "I'll have the steak..." "What the hell are these little after-school tea parties about?" "Hi." "Sorry?" "What did you say?" "I was just wondering why a single, childless man would want to hang out with a 12-year-old boy every day?" "You didn't tell your mum that you've been coming round?" " I think I forgot." " Tell me what?" "What are you doing with my son?" "Wait a minute." "What are you suggesting here?" " I'm not suggesting anything." " I think you are." "You were suggesting that I've been interfering with your son." "I'm simply asking you why you entertain 12-year-olds in your flat." " My God!" " Oh, my God!" "What do you have to say for yourself?" "Well?" "Don't "well" me!" "Don't "well" me about this!" "He comes over uninvited every night!" "Do you know why?" "He's having the shit bullied out of him at school!" "And you haven't got a clue." "You send him out like a lamb to the slaughter!" "He's been taken to pieces every day of the week, you daft, fucking hippie!" "I think you're being a bit melodramatic." "Marcus is fine." "Strange." "Will had it right, Mum didn't." "It should be the other way around." "You haven't had much contact with kids." "I used to be a bloody kid!" "I went to a bloody school." "I know when kids can't settle down and when kids are miserable!" "Look at him, for Christ's sake!" "Don't accuse me of being melodramatic." " This coming from a woman who tried to..." " Cowabunga!" " What's the matter with you?" " Nothing." "I just felt like a shout." "Jesus, what a family." "Will, you're disturbing the other customers." "It's fine." "I'm sorry." "I'm done." " Okay, so, you're not..." " What?" "No, I'm not!" "No, I'm not." "Listen, don't worry about it." "I won't open the door to Marcus again, okay?" "I'll be glad to be rid of the pair of you, frankly." "Go on." "Bugger off." "Sorry." "So that's it, is it?" "You're just out of his life, like that." "Excuse me?" "Let's say you're right and I'm wrong." "Let's say there's this whole world that I don't understand, and somehow, miraculously, you do." "What are you going to do about it?" "I'm not going to do anything." "He's none of my business." " You're a selfish bastard." " That's what I tell him." " He always puts himself first." " But I'm on my own." "It's just me." "I'm not putting myself first." "There's nobody else." "Yes, there is!" "There's Marcus." "You're involved now." "He keeps coming around your bloody house." "You've come into his life for a reason." "You can't just shut him out." "You can't shut life out. "No man is an island."" " She's right, you know." " Yeah, she is." "No, she's not!" "She's wrong!" "Some men are islands." "I'm a bloody island!" "I'm bloody Ibiza!" "What are you talking about?" "Do you want to come over for Christmas?" "No, Marcus, I do not want to come over for bloody Christmas." "I do not want to spend Christmas with Miss Granola Suicide and her spawn." "I'd always thought what you did with Christmas  was sort of a statement about where you stood in life." "I was going to spend this Christmas the way I usually did." "Watching videos and getting drunk and stoned." "Before you came, I was all alone." "It is bad to be alone." "Alone, bad." "Friend, good." "Friend, good!" "Now come here." "The good news was it wasn't just me and Fiona and Marcus." "The bad news was, well..." "So, you're Marcus' dad." "Yeah, I guess so." "And this is my girlfriend, Lindsey." "And Lindsey's mum." "Hi there." " Thanks, Dad." " That's okay." "I had to hand it to the kid." "He could be enthusiastic about some truly crap present." "Wow, a tambourine!" "Thanks, Mum." "Isn't that cool, Will?" "Yeah, that'll come in handy." "I saw it and I thought, "This'll be perfect."" "Maybe you can perform at that school concert." "Get a pop group together." "Make some friends." "Maybe, Mum." "When you sing, it brings sunshine and happiness into my heart." "Thanks, Mum." "This one's from me." "Brilliant!" "What is it?" "It's a CD, Marcus." "By Mystikal." "They're cool." "You'll like them." "And what kind of music is Mystikal?" "It's sort of world music." ""Shake Ya Ass."" "Slash rap type thing." ""Shake Ya Ass"?" "Is he Moroccan?" "I'm afraid we haven't got a CD player." "It's great anyway." "I know you haven't got a CD player, so, I got you one of them as well." "What a lucky boy." "Look, Mum." " Open yours, Will." " All right." "Thanks a lot." " Marcus, is this a joke?" " Yeah." "It's not bad." "Hi." "Sorry, I'm dead late!" " Have I missed anything?" " No, come on in." " Merry Christmas." " Merry Christmas!" "Hey!" "Long time no see." "Where's Megan?" "At her dad's." "Where's Ned?" "At his mum's for Christmas?" "Yeah." "No." "I should probably go, shouldn't I?" "You could go pose as Santa, try and shag some carol singers." "Are you a professional Santa?" "How lovely!" "Right." "That's it." "I'm off." "Thank you very much." "It was great." "Suzie has every right to express her anger." "Yes, and she's expressed it." "Now I have a right to bugger off." "Thanks a lot. 'Bye." "Wait!" "He's my friend." "I invited him." "I should be able to tell him when to go home." "I haven't told Will to go, Marcus." "Suzie's angry and has every right to be, and she's telling him so." "She's right, Marcus." "Just leave it, okay?" "All he did was make up a kid for a couple weeks." "God, that's nothing." "So what?" "Who cares?" "Kids at school do worse than that every day!" "The point is, Marcus, Will left school a long time ago." "He should've grown out of making people up by now." " That's for sure." " It's not fair to gang up on him." "He's been better behaved since then." "He bought me trainers, he lets me go round to his house and he knows what kids need." "What?" "Expensive footwear and obscene music?" "If there's something you really need then we can talk about it." "No, we can't." "It's not a discussion, it's an argument, and you always win." " Why not just tell me what to do?" " I want you to think for yourself!" "I'm thinking for myself!" "And I want Will to stay!" "He's not the only one who ever did anything wrong!" "Remember how we met?" "Remember why?" "Because you..." "Because you threw a loaf of bread at a duck's head and killed it, basically." "Excuse me?" "What's this about a duck?" "Are we having duck?" "Delicious!" "Of course we were not having duck." "Instead we had nut loaf with parsnip gravy." "As I sat there, I had a strange feeling." "I was enjoying myself." "I'd never really enjoyed Christmas before." "My mother used to make me sing Santa's Super Sleigh  in front of my inebriated uncles and aunts  just to get at my dad, I think." "But Christmas at Marcus', I'm ashamed to say it, gave me  a warm, fuzzy feeling." "I held that feeling responsible for the strange events that followed." "First of all, Marcus got a crush on a girl." "Hello." "Piss off." "And then, even stranger, so did I." "It was all Marcus' fault, really  because once you open your door to one person, anyone can come in." "On New Year's Eve, I met Rachel." "She was interesting, smart and attractive." "And for about five minutes, I had her convinced that I was, too." "...things like political events." "Okay." "You in television?" "Am I in television?" "No." " Everyone else is in television." " Yeah." "I watch television." "Right, right." "So you're more in front of it than in it." " In it, yeah." " Yes, I get it, yeah." "It was torture." "For five minutes I realized what life would be like if I were, in any way, interesting." "If I had anything to say for myself, if I did anything." "But I didn't do anything." "And in about 30 seconds she'd know and she'd be gone like a shot." "So what do you do?" "I'm sort of taking a bit of time off at the moment." " Sounds good, yeah." " Yeah." "Time off from what?" "To be absolutely honest, time off from time off, in fact." "The interesting thing about me is I don't actually do anything." " You don't do anything?" " Actually, no." " Nothing." " Nope." "Wow." "That's..." "Now, Rachel, darling." "East Coast or West Coast rap?" "I have absolutely no..." "There." "She was gone." "There was no more to say." "All rap music sounds exactly the same to me." "Or was there?" "I tell you what." "I know a 12-year-old who'd kill you for saying that." " Really?" " Yes." " So do I, come to that." " Yeah?" " Yeah." "What's yours called?" " Mine?" "He's called Marcus." "Mine's Ali." "Alistair." "And there it was." "It wasn't a lie." "It was 100 percent her assumption." "Well, 50 percent, at the very least." "I was in fantasyland again." "But this time it was different." "SPAT was for fun." "This was serious." "I acted in self-defense." "We arranged to get our lads together." "Which means we arranged for us to get together." "Single parents, alone together." "Happy New Year!" "I was in deep trouble." "And there was only one person who could help me out." "## Shake ya ass, but watch ya self # # Shake ya ass, show me what you workin' with #" "# Shake ya ass, watch ya self ##" " Show me what you workin' with" " What did you just say to me?" "You heard me, squitty little shitty snot-nosed bastard!" "Sorry." "I was singing along to this song by Mystikal." "It's a rap." "You like rap?" "A little." "It's by black people, mostly." "They're angry most of the time." "But sometimes they just want to have sex." "You taking a piss?" "'Cause if you are, you'll get a slap." "I'm not taking a piss." "I don't even know how to take a piss." " What's your name?" " Marcus." "I'm Ellie." "Hi, Ellie." "Nice to meet you." "Not so fast." "I'm not ready for physical contact." "Next thing you know, we'll be having sex." "And where will that get us?" "And stop telling strangers to shake their ass." "Okay, Ellie." "See you!" "Hello, mate." "Listen, I need your help." "Why did you tell this lady I was your son?" "No, I didn't tell her." "I told you, she just got the wrong end of the stick." "So just tell her." " No." "Can't do that." " Why not?" "We're really going around in circles here." "Just accept the facts, okay?" "You're my son." "I'll tell her, if you like." "I don't mind." "That's very kind of you, Marcus, but no." " Why not?" " For Christ's sake!" "She's got a rare disease and if she believes something that's not right then hears the truth, her brain will boil in her head and she'll die, okay?" "That's a load of shit." "I'm really interested in this woman." "What do you mean, interested?" "What's so interesting about her?" "Okay, Marcus, here." "Here's my last scrap of dignity." "Enjoy it." "I want to go out with her." "Okay?" "I'd like her to be my girlfriend." "There, I said it." "Brilliant!" "Why didn't you just say that?" "I don't know." "I was embarrassed or something, 'cause this is a bit new for me." "I just met her, her name's Rachel." "She's sort of..." "There's this girl at school." "Ellie." "I kind of want her to be my girlfriend." "I'm not exactly sure." "I've been meaning to ask you." "What's the difference between a girl who's your friend and a girlfriend?" "Well, I don't know." "Do you want to touch her?" "Is that so important?" "Yeah, you've heard about sex, right?" "It is kind of a big deal." "I know." "I'm not stupid." "I just can't believe there's nothing more to it." "I mean, like, I want to be with her more." "I want to be with her all the time." "And I want to tell her things I don't even tell you or Mum." "And I don't want her to have another boyfriend." "If I could have all those things I wouldn't really mind if I touched her or not." "Well, you'll learn, Marcus." "You won't feel like that forever." "Okay, how do I look?" "Good." "How do I look?" "Just be as normal as you can, okay?" "Good advice for Marcus." "I wish I could have followed it." "I'm sorry it's such a mess." "That's where I work." "My mouth was dry and my palms sweating." "I didn't know what the hell was happening to me." "...manage to tidy up." "Ali?" "All I could do was stand there, grinning like an idiot." " Should we just go upstairs?" " Sure." "Okay." "Ali." "Marcus." "Marcus." "Ali." "You're in my year at school." "Really?" "Yeah, I think I've seen you around." "Great!" "Then you guys'll have a lot to talk about." "Will, this is Ali." "Ali, this is Will." " All right." " All right." "Do you guys want to hang up here for a while?" " Yeah, sounds good, right?" " Yeah." "Okay." "For a moment, I loved him." "Really loved him." "You can show him your new computer games." "Good." "Okay, catch you later." "Let's leave them to it." "If your dad goes out with my mum, then you're dead." "Really dead." " Don't worry." "He's all right." " I don't care if he's all right!" "I don't want him going out with my mum!" "I don't want to see him or you around here ever again, okay?" "I'm not really sure it's up to me." "Well, it better be!" "Or you're going to die." "I was getting the feeling that maybe this kid Ali was a serial killer." "Can I have a go on your computer?" "What games you got?" "Are you listening to me?" "Yeah, it's just that I can't really do much at the moment, can I?" "I mean, Will, that's my dad he likes your mum, and I think she's keen on him." "She's not keen on him!" "She's only keen on me!" "One amazing thing about Rachel  was that I wanted to kiss her every time she said something interesting." "Which was all the time." "It was sexy." "It was weird." "I use Bristol boards, India ink and..." "Am I boring you?" "No, no." "No." " What?" " Nothing." "It's just you looked like Marcus just then." "Did I?" "I think it's sweet how much he seems to take after you and the way he dresses like you, as well." "I don't think I dress like Marcus, really." "Marcus?" "Wait!" "Hang on." "Hang on." "Come on, we're going back." " He's off his head." " No, he's not." "He said he'd cut me up into little pieces and hide me under the floorboards." " He did?" " No." "But I'm sure he's capable of it." "It'll be different." "You'll like it, I promise." "Marcus, Ali has something to say to you." "Doesn't he?" "Sorry, Marcus." "I didn't mean to say those things." "It's okay, Ali." "Ali finds all this very difficult." "Yeah, so does Marcus." "Don't you, mate?" "You know, I mean, divorced parents and not knowing how to feel about new people." "Yes." "Absolutely." "Absolutely the way I feel." "Ali didn't get along with the last bloke I went out with." " He was a liar!" " All right, darling." "He wasn't 100 percent good news." " I'm not saying that you and I are." " That's okay." "He fancies you." "He told me." " Thanks a lot, mate." " Oh, dear." "Cheers, mate." "Don't look so worried, sweetheart." "Ellie!" " Marcus?" "What, are you stalking me?" " No." "Too bad." "Made me feel like a celebrity." "Yeah, but I didn't know that then, did I, sexy?" "All I'm saying is, you know, watch out." "It just looks a bit more like owner and pet than boyfriend and girlfriend." "At least I'm honest." "What does that mean?" "It's just that you and Rachel..." "What?" "What does that mean?" "I don't know, I think there's a problem with you and Rachel." "I mean, like, you want to be with her but she thinks you have a son." "And you don't." "If you're going to be with someone shouldn't you tell them things like that?" "No." "I mean, you know, like the truth." "What's wrong with you?" "But later that night, when I was on my own  I remembered the deal Marcus was prepared to strike." "Yes, I wanted to touch Rachel." "But at this moment, if I had the choice  I'd settle for the less and the more that Marcus wanted." "Jesus, was I turning into Marcus?" "Would he be buying me shoes soon?" "I took his advice and told Rachel the truth." "Or very nearly the truth." "That I wasn't Marcus' natural father." "And that is not natural seaweed." "The problem was, once I told the truth, I knew there'd be more questions." "I don't get it." "If you're not his natural father and you don't live with him, then how is he your son?" "Yeah, I see." "It must look very confusing from the outside." "Tell me how it is on the inside." "It's just one of those long, boring stories." "Look, do you want to move on to wine?" "You want some Chinese rice wine, miss?" "You would like to try, I suspect, the Panang Paneng." "Yeah?" "No." "Tell me about your relationship with Ali." " Is that as complicated as mine and Marcus'?" " No." "I slept with his father, and then nine months later I gave birth." "Pretty straightforward." "Yeah." "I envy you that." "I'm really sorry to harp on about this but I haven't got it all worked out yet." "You are Marcus' stepfather, but you don't live with him or with his mother." "No, you see, wait." "I never said he was my son." "Did I?" "The words "I have a son called Marcus", never escaped my lips." "It's what you chose to believe." "Yeah." "Right." "It's me that's the fantasist." "I wanted to believe that you had a son, so I let my imagination run riot." "Obviously I played a part, I can see that." "No!" "Not at all." "I met you and I thought, "Cute guy."" ""God, if only he had a son." "A geeky, teenage kid, if possible."" "Then you turned up at my house with Marcus, and bingo!" "Now I made this crazy link 'cause of some deep psychological need in me." "You shouldn't beat yourself up about it." "It could have happened to anyone." "The first time I met you I thought you were a bit blank." "But then you changed my mind." "Maybe I was right." " Rachel, listen." " Yes?" "I'm sorry, you're right." "I am a blank." "I'm really nothing." "I don't know what the hell I was thinking of, I'm sorry." "'Bye, Ellie." "Marcus!" "My man!" "'Bye, Marcus!" "See you, Marcus!" "Mum?" "So, if z = 17, does x  2?" "Marcus?" "I didn't know what the answer was." "I didn't know what "x" equaled." "And I didn't know how to help my mum." "And then I realized." "There was something she said I could do for her." " I'm thinking of singing at the school concert." " You?" "At the rock concert?" "I don't think that would be a very good idea, Marcus." "Will you accompany me?" "All I've got is a tambourine." "No, I'm sorry." "It's suicide." "I mean, they'll crucify you." "Mum's at it again." " At what?" "Sorry." " What do you mean, what?" "The crying." "She sits in the house all day, crying." "She does it in the mornings, too." "It's as bad now as it was before the Dead Duck Day." "Marcus, I'm sorry, mate I'm a bit busy at the moment." "You're busy?" "Doing what?" " Didn't you hear me?" " I heard you." " What do you want me to do about it?" " I don't know." " You could talk to her." " Yeah?" "And what would I say?" " I don't know!" " Why would she listen to me?" "Who am I to her?" " I'm nobody." " You're not nobody." " You're..." " Who?" "Who do you think I am?" "Who do you think you are?" "You come here uninvited, you disrupt my life, you screw things up." "What do you want from me?" "This isn't my problem." "I'm not your family, mate." "I'm not." "I'm not your uncle." "I'm not your big brother." "We've established pretty firmly that I'm not your father, either, am I?" "But..." "I'll tell you what I am." "I'm the guy who's really good at choosing trainers or records, okay?" "That's it." "I can't help you with real things." "I can't help you with anything that means anything." "You could try." "You're right." "You can't help me." "How could you?" "You're a stupid person who watches TV all day and buys things." "You don't give a shit about anybody, and nobody gives a shit about you!" "Mum said my singing brought sunshine and happiness  into her life." "So I'd do it, even if it meant mine was over." "Look, Mum." "My life is made up of units of time." "Buying CDs:" "Two units." "Eating lunch:" "Three units." "Exercising:" "Two units." "All in all, I had a very full life." "It's just that it didn't mean anything." "Look who's coming round the bend" "The fact was there was only one thing that meant something to me:" "Marcus." "He was the only thing that meant something to me." "And Fiona was the only thing that meant something to him." "And she was about to fall off the edge." "Single parents alone together!" "Single parents alone together!" "Single parents alone together!" "All for one and one for all!" " Fiona!" " Will, we haven't seen you for a while." "How's Ned?" "Who?" "He's a load of crap." "He doesn't exist." "Yeah, I made him up." " You made him up?" " Yeah." " To meet women." " You're sick." " Fiona, I've got to talk to you." " Go ahead." "No, you know, properly talk to you, privately." "No, this is a circle of truth." "Whatever you have to say, you can say it in front of everybody." "Okay." "Please don't try and commit suicide again." "I can't believe you just said that." "That is my private experience." "Yeah, well, that's the thing, isn't it?" "It's not." "Marcus is worried about you." "I'm worried because he's worried about you." "Will, I don't have plans to commit suicide." "You don't?" "Not at the moment, no." "Great." "Great!" "Good." "You know I'm not attracted to you, right?" "What are you on about?" "No." "What are you, nuts?" "Right." "Wrong word completely." "But that's something that we should, you know, talk about a bit." "The crying in the morning thing, the depression." "Let's get that fixed." "That's what men think, isn't it?" "What?" "That unless you've got the answer, unless you can say:" ""I know a bloke in the Essex Road who can fix that", then there's no point bothering." "No." "Well, yeah, okay." "I would." "I'd love to know the name of the bloke in the Essex Road because I've got a feeling I'd be useless." "Will, you're not useless." "You're here." "And that matters." "Right." " Now, can we..." "Do you mind?" " What?" " Marcus is singing at the school concert." " Marcus is singing?" " Yeah, singing." " At school?" "It's a pop concert." "He's so excited." " I want to get there on time." " Wait, wait." "What's he singing?" "## Killing me softly with his song #" "# Telling my whole life ##" " What time does this thing start?" " What have you got against Marcus singing?" "You know the dream where you're at school without your trousers on and everyone laughs?" " What's the connection?" " That will be Marcus, but for real." "If he sings that song in front of those kids you can just write him off until university." "If he reaches university, 'cause he's going to get torn to shreds." "You cannot stop someone from expressing themselves." "He's not expressing himself!" "He's expressing you, okay?" "Oh, God." "What?" "Jesus Christ." "You're right." "Will, am I a bad mother?" "No, you're not a bad mother." "You're just a barking lunatic." "No, I am." "I am a bad mother." "I've let things slide and I haven't been noticing properly." "He's a special, very special boy." "And he's got a special soul, and I've wounded it!" "Please, just shut up." "You're wounding my soul." "Okay, you park it." "What?" "Hi." "What are you doing here?" "That's Ali up there." "He's talented." "Now that was the Def Penalty Kru with "Murder Fo' Life"." "Our next big act is Marcus Brewer singing Roberta Flack's beloved Killing Me Softly." "He'll be accompanied by Simon Cosgrove on the recorder." "Marcus, I can't do this." " That lot's going to shit all over us." " But you said..." "I'm sorry." "Here's your £5 back." "Any moment now." "Come on, Marcus, you wally!" "Wait!" "Wait!" "Excuse me." "What is going on here?" "Nothing." "Everything's under control." "I'm just his voice coach." "What are you doing here?" "I heard you were about to commit social suicide, so I dropped by." " My accompanist left!" " Brilliant." " You don't have to do it." " I can't do that." "Yeah, you can." "Just tell them:" "Artistic differences." "You can't work without him." "He had a drug problem." "My mum wants me to sing it." "It'll make her happy." "Look, mate, nothing you do can make your mum happy, all right?" "Not in the long term." "She has to do that for herself." " Get over here right now!" " Just bugger off, will you!" "What I'm saying is, the important thing is to make yourself feel happy." "I've tried just making myself happy." "She's tried making herself happy." "It doesn't work." "You need other people to make you happy." "But that's just it." "If other people can make you happy then they can also make you unhappy." "What, you think those people out there are going to make you happy?" "Hang on." "Wait." "Marcus, don't." "Marcus!" "Bollocks." "Come on, Britney!" "Yeah, give us a song, then." "This is for my mum." "## I heard he sang a good song #" "# I heard he had a style #" "# And so I came to see him # # to listen for a while #" "# And there he was this young boy # # a stranger to my eyes #" "You're rubbish, mate!" "# Strumming my pain with his fingers #" "# Singing my life with his words #" "# Killing me softly with his song #" "# Killing me softly #" "Who the hell is that?" "# Telling my whole life with his words #" "# Killing me softly with his song #" "# I felt all flushed with fever # # embarrassed by the crowd #" "# I felt he found my letters # # and read each one out loud #" "# I prayed that he would finish # # but he just kept right on #" "# Strumming my pain with his fingers #" "# Singing my life with his words #" "# Killing me softly #" "Give it a rest." "# Killing me softly with his song #" "# Telling my whole life with his words # # Killing me softly #" "# With his song #" "# He sang as if he knew me #" "Will." "# In all my dark despair #" "We're finished." "# And then he looked right through me # # as if I wasn't there #" "Will, come on." "Will, we're finished." "So there I was, killing them softly with my song." "Or rather, being killed." "And not that softly, either." "I was singing with my eyes closed." "Was I frightened?" "I was petrified." "This was definitely not island living." "# Killing me softly #" "# With his song ##" "Thank you, Finsbury." "I'd like to introduce one or two members of the band." "Marcus Brewer on vocals and tambourine." "And that's about it." "Let's get off quick." "Get off." "Marcus, thank you." "For the song." "You were terrific." " You think so?" " Yeah." "As a matter of fact, I think we should celebrate." "Okay." "How about McDonald's?" " McDonald's?" " Yeah." "Thanks, Mum, but it's okay." "No, really." "I want to go to McDonald's." "You know, I'm not really hungry." "Come on." "Are you telling me you couldn't murder a Big Mac?" "Mum!" "Okay, another time." "Any time." "I'll be around a while, you know." "By the following Christmas things were back to normal." "Before you came..." "Every man is an island." "And I stand by that." "But clearly, some men are part of island chains." "Below the surface of the ocean they're actually connected." "So you're going to marry my mum, then?" "Don't know." "Why?" "You think she's up for it?" " I used to want him to marry my mum." " You serious?" "Yeah." "But that was when she was depressed and I was desperate." "Thanks, mate." "Cheers." "How do you use this blender-thing?" "You don't." "I used to think two wasn't enough." "Christ." "Now there were loads of people." "And that was great." "Mostly." "Are you two lazy bastards gonna get up and help, or what?" "So how do you know Will?" "We volunteered together at Amnesty International a couple years ago." "Yeah, that's right." "How is the Burmese situation, Tom?" "Better?" "I mean good?" "Yeah, and he called me up out of the blue for Christmas lunch." "So, here I am." "Really?" "So, listen, what's the deal with you and Ellie now?" "Is she your girlfriend?" "Are you insane?" "Where did you get those trainers?" " Why?" "What's wrong with them?" " Nothing." "What?" "By the way, I do think you and Rachel have a shot." " I mean, if you don't screw it up." " Thank you." "I'd created a monster." "Or maybe he created me." "I don't know what Will was so upset about." "All I meant was I don't think couples are the future." "You need more than that." "You need backup." "The way I saw it, Will and I both had backup now." "It's like that thing he told me Jon Bon Jovi said:" ""No man is an island."" "Subtitles by SOFTITLER" "Of course not." "You're being funny, aren't you?" "Mum and Roger had a big row  then had gone off to the kitchen to talk quietly." "Then Roger came out." "Then why did you split up with Roger?" "Did he have another girlfriend?" "I don't think so." "Do you have another boyfriend?" "Don't you think you would know?" "Who would I be seeing, the milkman?" "No." "He's too young." "No, Marcus." "I haven't got another boyfriend." "That's not how it works." "Not when you're a 34-year-old working mother in a youth-obsessed, anorexic, soulless culture." "Don't worry, Mum." "I won't go to McDonald's." "I hope she makes you itch." "You know, really itch." " I just can't believe how you could do that." " You bloody pig!" "What were you thinking?" "Do you have shit for brains?" "Let it out." "Let it out." "You're a bastard!" "I hate you for what you've done." "That's good." "I wouldn't mind if you did it once, but you wanted to do it twice." " I wanna put my hands around your throat..." " You don't have to do that." "...and squeeze the life out of you for what you've done because you're a scumbag and I hate you." "And you're out of order!" "Don't ever think you can come back into my life and do it again!" "All right?" "Hi, there." "I'm looking for a car seat." "What type are you looking for?" "It's a silver Audi with a black leather interior and a metallic trim." "I don't know." "Cheapest." "What do most people get?" "Not necessarily the cheapest." "Parents are usually worried about safety." "Oh, yeah." "There's not much point in saving a few quid if they end up through the windscreen, is there?" " Yeah." " Yeah." "That's a cool one." "Even if you get a cool one the kids will mess them all up, anyway." "What with their sweets and all that." "Right." "Yeah." "So, what's this song then?" "If you live off of it, we must've heard of it." "It's "Santa's Super Sleigh"." "## Look who's coming round the bend #" "# It's Santa and his reindeer friends #" "# With a ho, ho, ho and a hey, hey, hey #" "# It's Santa's super sleigh ##" "I expect people do that all the time." "No, I think you two are the first." "Sorry." "I don't understand." "How does that make you money?" "Do carol singers have to pay you 10 percent?" "They should, but you can't always catch the little bastards." "It's on every Christmas album ever made." "Elvis did it." "The Muppets." "An American punk band called..." "Remember where we live?" "Flat 2, 31 Craysfield Road, Islington, London, N12SF." "England, the world, the universe." "Yeah." "We'd like to go to Planet Hollywood." "Jesus." "Really?" "Yeah." "It's supposed to be brilliant." "Planet Hollywood is horrible." "Marcus?" "This is hopeless." "Look at the length of the queue." "It's probably because Bruce Willis is inside, or Sylvester Stallone." "They won't be in there." "Yes, they will." "They're here all the time." "Unless they're working." "Even then, they try to make films in London so they can come here for lunch." "I'm really hungry." "Does this place you're talking about have good fries?" "Fantastic fries." "Come on." "Let's go." " Hi." " Thank you." "You'll like it." "It's nice." "Good fries." " How are you?" " Fine, thanks." "What?" "This place all right?" "So, Fiona, how are you?" " I mean, how are you feeling?" " My stomach's fine." "Great." "I must still be a bit barmy, though." "This kind of thing doesn't go away overnight, does it?" "No." "If Mum was going to get Will to marry her, she'd have to quit making jokes like that." "At least she looked good." "I had her put on that nice hairy jumper  and the earrings she got from her friend that went to Zimbabwe." "The kid seemed to think this was some kind of date." "As for his mum, she was clearly insane  and appeared to be wearing some kind of Yeti costume." "This had better be quick." "We were definitely not ordering starters." "I'll start with the artichoke, please." "Then I'll have a mushroom omelet with fries and a Coke." " I'll have the vegetable platter." " We're vegetarians." "I'd never have guessed." "Steak sandwich, please, mate." "Thanks." "Don't just sit there." "Talk to each other." "I'm not sure that is how conversation happens, Marcus." "No, I think that is how conversation happens." "That's right." "My God, we've got 60 years of conversational experience between us I'm sure we can come up with something." "Okay, then." " So, Fiona." " You first." "Will, why did your wife chuck you?" "Marcus!" "No, it's okay." "It's fine." "Good question." "I'm quite comfortable talking about it, actually." "She chucked me because she was basically going through this whole:" ""I want to find out who I am", malarkey and thing." "Which is selfish, considering she had a kid and all that." "And did she find out who she was?" "She was a figment of my twisted imagination." "That's who she was." "Not really, no." "I'm not sure anyone really does, do they?" "We know who we are, don't we?" "That's right." "You're a depressive hippie and her weirdo son." " What are we?" " We're us." " And what are we not?" " Sheep!" "And what does a sheep go?" "This was going really well." "I wondered if we'd move into Will's place or someplace new." "What type of car is yours?" "It's an Audi." "Give me that." "How fast does it go?" "I don't know. 140, I think." "What fish are they?" "They're meant to be sharks." "But I think they're sort of catfish." "Do they cost a lot?" "Yeah, they cost $100 billion." ""Smoking kills."" "Thank you for that, cheers." "I'd forgotten." "You know, Will, you've got a nice flat." "Thank you." "Only one bedroom, though." "Largely because I find I can only sleep in one bed at a time." "You could get a bigger place." "I mean, if you needed to." "Would you like anything to drink, Marcus?" "Thanks, just got a Pepsi." "Who are these people with the saxophones and trumpets?" "Saxophonists and trumpeters." "Why have you got pictures of them?" "'Cause they're cool." "What's cool about them?" "I don't know." "They took drugs and died." "A vowel." ""A."" " And a final consonant." " And a consonant." "Thank you." "I should go." "Hang on." "You might as well stay for the beginning of "Saved by the Bell", if you want." "Okay, how do I look?" "Good." "How do I look?" " Just be as normal as you can, okay?" " Wait, how much did I weigh at birth?" "I don't know." "It was your birth." "But you should know, shouldn't you?" "I mean, if you're my dad." "Listen, she doesn't suspect that we're not father and son." "She's not going to be trying to catch us out." "When's your birthday?" "Quick." " August 19." " Okay." "Who's my mum?" "Your mum's your mum." "So you were married to my mum, but now you've split up?" "Yeah." "Whatever." "Does it bother you or me?" "No, I'm comfortable with it." "But I think you still have a few issues." "It's not funny, okay." " Only cause you're a..." " You love her still, don't you?" " Christ's sake." " I know you do." " You love Mummy." " Shut up!" "Be normal!" "Hi, Will and Mark." " Marcus." " Right, Marcus." "Come on in." "## I felt all flushed with fever # # embarrassed by the crowd #" "# I felt she found my letters # # and read each one out loud ##" " What you singin', fuzzy?" "Mind if I borrow this?" "Yes." "Jesus!" "This is crap." "Can I have that back, please?" "It was a Christmas present and..." "You pathetic shitface." "Give him that back or you're gonna get a slap." "Tricked ya." "Now... off before I get really cross." "Slag!" "Slag!" "Why does me hitting someone make me a slag, I wonder?" "Boys are peculiar creatures." "Not you though, Marcus." "Well, you are peculiar but in a different kind of way." "Are you a little slow in the head, Marcus?" "No." "I'm just funny." " That's what everyone tells me." " You are a funny one though, ain't ya?" "Is it because your mum tried to top herself?" " How do you know?" " My mum." "She can't keep a single secret, the pissed, old cow." "She's in SPAT with Suzie and all." "To begin with, I feel terrible about it now, but I was like:" ""Why shouldn't she kill herself if she wants to?"" " She's got me." " But I didn't know that then, did I?" " I know." "I made a complete ass of myself." " Yes, you did." "I enjoyed it." "You know, I sort of tried to draw fire." "Obviously, I thought the worse I looked, the better Marcus would look." "In that case, Marcus looked fantastic." "Okay." "Can I come in?" "Maybe." " I'm a bit busy." " Oh, yeah?" "Doing what?" "Watching "Countdown"." "Let me ask you something." "What would you rather do?" "Watch "Countdown" or have sex with me?" "Stuart's track record here." "Very good performance last week." "He came in with a 44 and came out on Friday with a 72, which is the second..." "Every man is an island." "I stand by that." "I deliver perfection..." "and don't brag about it!" ":" "D" "It's called "About a Boy", but I suppose there are probably two boys, really." "The original idea was I thought of this guy who  invents a child so that he can meet single mothers." "He invents a child, and goes to a single-parent group." "That was the initial germ of the idea." "I have a 2-year-old." "Ned." "He's a very good little boy." "Very brave." "They've got amazing resources, don't they?" "Just the other day I was thinking about my ex." "He came crawling up, put his little pudgy arms around my neck, and he said:" ""You hang in there, Dad."" "The source of the film is a book called About a Boy by Nick Hornby, which came out in England about seven years ago." "It was a huge hit there, and did very well here." "Nick Hornby also wrote "High Fidelity" and, most recently, "How to be Good"." "He kind of addresses man's fate  especially a 30-something man's fate, in the modern world." "I've always loved Nick Hornby." "He gets London life so right  and is so funny about it, particularly male, bachelor, single London life  which I know extremely well." "So, I thought, "This is right up my alley." On top of that it's actually quite moving, and I've never done moving before." "Alone, bad." "Friend, good." "I suppose the kind of comedy that I'm drawn to  I don't want it to be purely farcical." "I want it rooted in something, and I think after "High Fidelity" I wanted to try and push that a little bit harder." "The idea that you could write a comedy  about or which includes people who are having a hard time." "When we first read the book, a lot of the themes felt like  they were from a classic comedy." "A lot of stuff we kept in." "The last third of the movie is an invention of ours  that we worked out, and then worked on with Hugh Grant  our real partner in terms of someone to bounce our writing off and to get ideas for writing from." "We knew when we started shooting we were on the same page, basically." "Yeah, he's very special." "Very, very special." "Sometimes I think he's the one taking care of me." "Teaching me the ways of the world." "We had wanted to make something more in the vein  of older filmmakers that we like, like Billy Wilder, for instance  who was a tremendous influence on our doing this movie because of the mixture of cynicism and hope at the same time." "We essentially harassed the producers Jane Rosenthal and Robert De Niro endlessly." "I think at first, Jane didn't get why the hell  the guys who directed "American Pie" should direct this movie." "It's a comedy, but on the surface it appears like a different kind of comedy." "Hugh was equally horrified, as was Nick Hornby." "I think, probably like a lot of people of my generation I thought, "Oh, my God", partly because I'd never seen "American Pie"." "I adored "American Pie", I really did, but I thought that's completely wrong." "Our film's funny, but it's not  quite as determinedly lowbrow funny as "American Pie"." "But then you meet them, and of course, they're these incredibly learned  scholarly, intelligent guys." "One of them thinks of an idea, and the other one says, "Let's try that."" "They get double the ideas." "It helps, because if they think something's a bit  not good, they'll say, and the other one will say, "We can try it."" "They don't seem to really shout at each other at all and argue." "If they did, no one ever sees them." "I think, of all the American filmmakers I've ever met  the most erudite." "Shockingly erudite." "The bastards read books on the set." "I've never seen that." "While the set's being lit, they're reading quite heavy tomes about the decline of the British Empire or something." "He'd catch us holding them upside-down, which is a little embarrassing." "They just happen to have a 6-year-old's sense of humor." "It's a very good combination for this material." "Nick Hornby is a clever man with a childish sense of humor, in a way." "It epitomizes the film." "It was horrible." "Horrible." "But driving fast behind the ambulance was fantastic." "I think it's important that Hugh wanted to play the character we wanted him to play." "Hugh is every bit as  withdrawn and morally suspect as the character he plays." "I'm not sure he'd deny it himself." "He's much less like the bumptious  lovable, snuffling guy that you see in "Four Weddings and a Funeral"  or "Notting Hill", so I think he was ready to play a character  who's a little closer to the bone." "I like any strong story set in Britain, really." "I find, the older I get, the more I want to work here  for all kinds of reasons." "I thought it offered the possibility  of breaking my mold a little bit." "I'd just done it, to a certain extent, in "Bridget Jones's Diary" in one way, going bastard  and in this, I thought to go shallow and trendy would be novel for me." "He is very focused and very serious about what he does." "He's a very committed, serious actor and he has great chemistry with women." "He was wonderful to play opposite." "He's constantly honing how he's going to deliver lines and rewriting stuff as well, so that it is perfect  and, kind of, just right." "It's a habit I've developed always, really it's got worse over the last few films which is, to just try new stuff when the camera's rolling." "It's really through an inadequacy of mine as an actor, which is  that I'm fine in rehearsal saying the lines as written." "It feels quite fresh and spontaneous." "As soon as the camera turns, it always comes out, for me, rather stale." "It's just part of trying to reinvent it." "Sort of making it up again as you go along." "Hugh was good to work with, actually." "Yeah." "He was hard to keep up with sometimes, especially at first, because he improvises." "Suddenly, he'll add a bit to the scene, or change stuff around." "That's quite hard sometimes but you get used to it." "I think I learned quite a lot of that, over the three months." "For us, for me at least, it gets a little boring unless there's a bit of improvisation." "We like to get what's in the script but then, we like to go up to an actor and say, "Why don't you try this?"" ""Try an improvisation in this direction."" "One cool thing about Nicholas is he was totally game for it." "Even when we were auditioning him  if we went off the book, he would respond as the character." "That's a huge help." " I think you look cool." " Yeah." "That's it, you got the walk." "That's really cool." "Brilliant." "High five." "Yeah." "It's important they click in a specific way, an eccentric way." "We didn't want them to get too "pals-y" with each other." "How did they work with each other?" "I'm not sure they did." "Hugh is frightened of children, and children are frightened of Hugh." "I don't know." "Kids acting." "I've never really done it before." "I didn't know what to expect." "I'm not a natural kid person." "Some people are." "They love them." "They see a kid, and run over." "Twirl them around their head, play with their train set or whatever." "I'm not that guy but we just took great trouble to find a kid that wouldn't annoy me." "We found Nicholas, who had only done a couple of little TV things." "It was really kind of a gut-churning risk to take  because you knew that you're placing the responsibility of half of the movie  on the shoulders of someone who is not only 11 years old  but hadn't done this before." "This is for my mum." "Nicholas is a freak." "He's so focused  and grown-up about it." "He knows his lines and has immaculate instincts which is lovely." "It's not something you always find in grown-up actors." "I felt like I learned a lot from working with him  because he hadn't learned all the kind of acting tricks that grown-ups do." "He's a pure, instinctive performer." "There's nothing better than that." "I love working with kids because I think they have what every actor wants  which is an ability to be in the moment." "They haven't developed  this brick wall of neuroses that most actors  find so difficult to jump over." "It's nice to be around that sense of freedom, in terms of acting." "I'm not talking about this with you." "Just go." "Okay." "But I'll be back." "I'm really scared!" "I think, the Weitz brothers, comedy is their first instinct  and I'm a tart for a laugh." "Funny enough, I find that Toni Collette is, too." "Everyone's pulling in that direction." "I just hope we don't pull too far  and it's still as sad and resonant as it should be." "It's not this candy-coated comedy." "It deals with really serious subject matters." "It does so quite gracefully." "It creates poignant, moving moments and a lot of depth, which I think makes you appreciate the humor of it even more." "I think all good comedy is based on sadness, in a funny kind of way." "If you've got that core there, the funniness is usually funnier." "In this film, there's a lot of sadness, particularly in the boy's life." "The comedy plays all the stronger against that." "I know the difference between kids who can't settle down and kids who are just miserable." "Look at him!" "Don't accuse me of being melodramatic." " This coming from a woman who tried to..." " Cowabunga!" " What's the matter with you?" " Nothing." "I just felt like a shout." "Jesus, what a family." "The movie, when you set out to make it, is a bit of a balancing act  between humor and pathos, and if you go too far in one direction  you lose your balance completely." "You're absolutely on a knife edge." "It's not, "Man falls into room takes his trousers down, slips on a banana skin, farts."" "Which are all hilarious, by the way." "That's my favorite kind of comedy." "It's light, delicate stuff." "If you're on that knife edge of tone, it can quite freak you out." "I think that idea that you can switch  from depressed empathy to laughter  is an attractive one for a cinema audience  because contemporary films especially tend to take very much one tone." "We've not become very good at switching moods like that and I think it would be a terrible thing to lose from the cinema." "Me." "... who has dedicated his entire life..." "How would you like to be lmogene's godfather?" "... to himself." "You must be joking." "I'll drop her at her christening." "I'll forget her birthdays until her 18th, when I'll take her out and get her drunk and possibly, let's face it, you know, try and shag her." "The thing is, a person's life is like a TV show." "Oh, my God." " Can I come in?" " No." "I was the star of "The Will Show"." "And "The Will Show" wasn't an ensemble drama." "You will end up childless and alone." "Both fingers crossed, yeah." "And then something terrible happened." "Something I'd tried to avoid all my life." "This year, Will's life is going to change." "Alone, bad." "Friend, good." "He's reaching out." "I want to go out with her." " I'd like her to be my girlfriend." " Brilliant!" "Just be as normal as you can, okay?" "He fancies you." "He told me." "From the producers of "Meet the Parents"." "I think I killed a duck." "Jesus, what a family." "I was in some strange territory." "Was I frightened?" "I was petrified." "Hugh Grant." "He likes your mum, and I think she's keen on him." "She's not keen on him!" "She's only keen on me!" "About a Boy." "I deliver perfection..." "and don't brag about it!" ":" "D" "From busking because you had to four and a half years ago in Manchester to busking for fun with Grace Jones at 4:00 in the morning last night." "What a strange and wonderful journey you've had." "It's a nice couple of bookends that you..." "A way of putting it." "Proof that good things do happen to good people." "We're going to talk to you and find out where you were, where you're at and where you're going in the next half hour." "So it's been about four and a half years since you've released "EP1"." "Can you remember a time before you were "Badly Drawn Boy" as such." "It crosses my mind a lot that kind of question because I remember reading something Bob Dylan said in an interview recently that he cannot remember being not famous." " Not famous." "This is someone who's been famous since the '60s and I was born in the '60s." "I can sort of relate to it even though it's only been four years." "It's a nice way of putting it, the way Dylan said it." "It made me think." "I sort of feel like that myself." "I didn't know whether I felt right about that." "I've often thought and looked back when I held that first EP in my hand and remembered the feelings that surrounded that time." " Simple pleasures." " Yeah." "Do you allow much time for yourself to reflect, to romanticize those moments before you had the pressures of being an established record selling artist?" "I can sort of do it, because I'm still close to obviously my family, parents and my brother, who I used to work with before this happened." "So whenever I see them I'll talk to them, which is quite regularly at least a few times a week." "That just keeps me..." "That just keeps me remembering what I did before this." "Life hasn't changed a lot in terms of how I feel inside." " It's just what happens outside." " The exterior." "Those early inspirations that inspired you to want to sing and play and write." "Just a handful of people that you can think of off the top of your head who inspired you." "The definite first one I talked about a lot when the album "Bewilderbeast" came out was Bruce Springsteen, and I made a conscious decision I would mention him because an artist with a career that long that was exposed to this country after "Born In The U.S.A.", which was about the time I discovered him but not because of all the songs, but because of his '70s music really." "I had this romantic notion that I could transport myself back to that time and relive it." "Which is impossible to happen." "He became a massive figure in my life for two or three years." "That was the definite first person I could say was responsible." "I met Bruce actually and told him this story." "He seemed quite flattered." "Definitely without Bruce I don't think..." "There's a good chance I might not have gone into music at all." "What about at home, though?" "What about the bands that came from Britain?" "It's a funny one." "A lot of the British bands at the time, obviously Manchester was the big scene then and I lived about 10 miles out of Manchester, in Bolton." "It didn't grab me." "I'm constantly criticized in Manchester for saying this, but I'm only telling the truth." "It was something I was preempting, perhaps what my future would hold." "It was something I was scared of, a huge scene." "I think a lot of bands suffered from it." "Something like, further down the line that I could really take it in and understand what it was about and really like the music, like Happy Mondays, especially." "The Roses, as well." "I'm a big fan of what lan Brown does now probably more so than then." "It's often the case with trends and what seems to be a scene at the time." "You find yourself coming back to it five years later or longer." "Once the hype dies down and music is rediscovered on its own merits and not being caught up in why people are wearing that outfit and why they're buying that record and why they're saying that lingo." "I think I was going through a phase." "I was 20, 21." "It should have been the perfect timing." "That's when I was the perfect age for that to be my time but I think I was trying to be cooler than all that." "Plus I had my head in other things." "I was more into Tom Waits at that point than anything that was going on locally." "It was around '94 when I began to really feel like I knew the music I did like." " The bands like Ween and Guided By Voices." " Now you're talking." "For sure." "That was a real enlightening period." "Number one, I felt like I discovered it for myself and it wasn't something anybody else found for me, which is always nice to feel." " To think for yourself at that age." " Yeah." "People used to say you were searching for a style." "That was a common criticism." "Were they missing the point?" "Had you already realized what it is you wanted to get across?" "I don't think I was doing anything but being myself." "It really wasn't a mystery to me, but it mystified a lot with the people." "It really, really got on my nerves because I thought, "You do this, you try doing this."" "No one has given me any help to do this." "That's why they're critics and you're a musician." "They're there to criticize and you're there to make music." "Out of that chaos came this magic that was "Hour of the Bewilderbeast"." "A full-length record which took everyone by surprise." "Everyone was expecting this amazing record but not expecting it to be quite that amazing." "It can be quite an intimidating process when you've released various EPs and you've done various shows here and there and it all points to the day you can go into the studio and make a full-length album." "Was it intimidating?" "Not particularly at that point, because "Bewilderbeast" was unique." "I don't think any album I do from now on will be anything like that because it was culled over a period of time, like the clichéd thing about the first record being a lifetime's work, or your life up to that point anyway." "It wasn't really that intense because all that worrying..." "I wanted to do something people like and I wanted to do something I liked." "No rest for the wicked and there hasn't been since you released "Hour of the Bewilderbeast"." "It went on to sell a lot of copies over the course of four singles  "Once Around The Block", "Another Pearl", "Disillusion" and "Pissing In The Wind"." "You won Mercury Music Prize, you played the Royal Albert Hall and then you pissed off to America." "That must have been a blur." "When you put it like that, yeah, it was." "I can't remember four years or whatever it is since the first EP." "Sometimes it feels like it's far longer, 10 years." "Sometimes feels, like everything else, like it was yesterday." "It's what it's like to be a human being, really." "Highlights?" "I don't know, I try not to dwell on the past." "People still..." "Those points to mention, like you said, playing the Albert Hall was probably still the biggest gig I did that was tickets sold under my name." "I've done festivals with bigger audiences, etcetera." "I've never done a support for either, which I'm quite proud of." " Impressive, impressive." " So the Albert Hall was a massive moment." "The Mercury Prize, obviously." "It all falls into some surreal world that you can't remember too well." "Basically 'cause I'm moving on as well." "I don't think "Bewilderbeast" was the album I wanted to make at the time." "I think I had other things in mind but it became that record because that's all I had to offer." "I was still thinking, "What can I do next?"" "Let's move on since it seems like a good point to get on with it." "Along comes this movie, "About a Boy" and you're thinking about making another record, moving on from "Bewilderbeast"." "Had you considered working in movies before, doing a soundtrack before that point?" "Not specifically." "Not with any great seriousness." "Just something that crops up occasionally because, I think, me and my collection of friends, if I can call them a collection like Andy Votel of Twisted Nerve and the people that we're surrounded by, all good friends of ours that film has always been a massive part of what we talk about." "Andy, especially, is a huge film buff and pretty tasteful as well." "It was always like, as soon as this thing came along and was offered to me how could I say no to..." "As long as I felt comfortable with the subject matter..." "It's not something I was yearning to do." "As you pointed out, I was yearning to go on with my own work." "It came as a mixed blessing." "There must've been some pressure following "Bewilderbeast"." "This gives you a chance to work on someone else's project." "Be creative but not necessarily under the name Badly Drawn Boy as such." "There is a really nice feeling to doing that collaboration where you can really sort of let yourself go a little bit more than normal, where you're trying to express yourself." "I think that's why it's such a pressured thing when you're making your own record." "'Cause you are trying to explicitly express who you are." "Or I am, anyway, because that's what I do with my music." "It really is intrinsic to my life." "It's not a side issue." "It's not another world." "It's actually part and parcel of the world." " The truth." " So, it's very scary to do that and know that people are going to listen and understand a bit more about you and you'll never meet them, probably." "The more you do the better it seems to get, the easier it seems to get." "It's like anything else." "It's sort of like practice makes perfect." "I think by doing this film soundtrack it's been a brilliant period of time where I'm far less precious than I ever have been about what I'm doing." "I feel it's a much better period of time in life and in music than it was when the first album came out." "Did the impending arrival of your new baby boy affect your writing "About A Boy"?" "I know that seems a cheesy and corny question but it presents itself, so I'll ask it." "It is very cheesy and corny, but nonetheless worthwhile." "It's very difficult to understand whether I'm affected." "I mean kids are obviously now a huge part of my life." "Edie's like 16 months old and she's just adorable." "It's like I can't believe she's mine, as it were." "Everybody that meets her..." "She just touches everybody's heart." "She's a brilliant little girl." "She's a crazy, crackers, beautiful little thing." "I can't believe I deserve to have her, really, and then Oscar comes along and, God bless him, he's just finding his feet, he's only a month old." "He's shaping up well, as well." "It must touch me in some way, but when I write music it's touched by all sides of my life, so it's very hard to distinguish whether it's that thing or this thing." "When I write, it tends to be my relationship between me and the guitar is the most important factor." "Occasionally those outside things creep in." "You went to Los Angeles to record the album with Tom Rothrock who's an inspired collaborator with Beck and Elliot Smith." "What did you learn from working with him as a producer?" "Tom was an inspired choice by me, to credit myself." "It was a shot in the dark, really." "I didn't know where he lived." "I didn't know what he was doing, or whether he even knew who I was." "And I thought, partly because of the Beck comparisons I've always had..." "I thought, "Well, sod it, why don't I give them what they want?"" ""I'll go and work with Beck's guy and prove that I'm nothing like Beck." Because I want to be my own artist and I'm sure Beck does." "Beck's a genius, or close to it." "You've proved that point." "When you listen to the work you've done with Tom and the work Beck's done with Tom and even Elliot Smith..." "They're very unique musicians." "There's some affinity because we're all men, solo artists, and we all sing and write songs." "A very tenuous thread, though." "A very tenuous thread." "You've been open with people so far, about this record." "Normally, I don't like to go too far ahead of myself or with whoever I'm talking to about the next record beyond, but you seem keen to talk about it." "You've been working on this for a bit, now, and you told me upstairs you've got 17 songs." "Yeah, when I was doing the press and interviews for "About a Boy" again, I'm somebody who prides himself on being honest and I couldn't not mention the fact that I'm in the middle of the next record because it's on my mind, really." "To let people know what I'm thinking because when I'm asked questions about the soundtrack even when I've done the odd few little gigs, recently I'm struggling to remember lyrics, because I'm 17 songs into the next album with another 20 that are in my head that I haven't tried to record yet and it's pretty terrifying to try and remember words to something I've just finished..." "Oh, the horror!" "The horror of being prolific." "It's not really prolific, because half the songs are crap." " I think we'll be the judge of that, son." " Prolifically crap." "What I've worked out with working with Tom Rothrock and the methods that we've achieved is that I know, for a fact, I can make an album in six weeks from initializing it to mixing it." "If I can't find six weeks in the next year to make a record, I'm not doing my job well." "I'd like to be the kind of artist that, on average, puts out a record a year for the time I'm considered an artist, because I think otherwise it's lazy." "So by the end of this year, if I manage to finish this one and get it out by September it'll be three albums out, and roughly I'll be on track for that average." "Which I think is only fair to the fans and fair to me." "He's knocked that one out of the park." "His average has gone up." "That's four albums in four years and each one a bona fide hit." "Advice, Damon, for us all to live our lives." "I'd hate to think I'm capable of giving advice of any worth because I'm in the middle of learning myself and trying to understand what it is to be doing this job that I do." "I get asked questions by a lot of young bands, asking how to get into the business." "I really have never got the answer, I just say:" ""If it's what you do, you'll do it." "If it's part of your life."" ""If there's going to be longevity to it, you'll just do it."" ""There really isn't a way of telling you how." "You'll do it because I had to."" "If I became the kind of artist that sold a huge amount of records then that would be the time where I'd write something so crazy I'd make people wonder why they got into me in..." "I'd want to do that." "You're on the right path with this power ballad, mate." "You're a self-fulfilling prophecy and I like you mainly 'cause I made £30 over the Mercury Prize." "I'll remember you for that." " Thanks for your time." "It was fun." " Thank you."