"## [Man Singing]" "## [Continues]" "## [Ends]" "[Jack Narrating] Working in a kitchen... is a lot like working in a submarine." " You spend all day, every day..." " [Laughing] with the same people in very close quarters." " I'm sorry I'm Late, Jack." " Because of this... we maintain an air of professionalism at all times." "I was at Tanya's place this morning." "Oh, let me guess." "She wanted you to help her move furniture." "Let's just say the bed moved." "Because you picked it up and moved it?" " Yeah." " [Laughing]" " Who's a genius?" " [Jack Narrating] When we're at work, there are no men... there are no women- there are only chefs." "Boy, Jim." "My breasts sure are fascinating, aren't they?" "What?" "No." "I wasn't- Thong, wow." "Uh, I mean" "Is that the first time you've seen a naked lady there, Jim?" "Um, no." "No." "Back in Utah, I had a- a magazine..." " until my mom saw it and started crying." " [Steven] Whoa." "That was an uncomfortable glimpse behind the curtain, wasn't it?" "Aw, that's so cute." "Would you like to touch them?" " I'd like to touch them." " Nobody's talking to you." " Hey, come on, Jim." "I'm serious." "They won't bite." " [Jim] No." " Come on." "Get in there!" " Stop." "Oh, no, no, no." "No, no, no, no, no." "Oh." "Oh." " I made you a treat for your special day." " Oh!" " Come on." " The nipples are raspberries." "Very nice." "How would you like it if I filled your underwear with frosting?" " Don't answer that." " Who else likes it when she gets all huffy?" "Don't." "You're already striking out with Tanya." "Focus your failure on one woman at a time." "Hey, guys." "You know the rule against coworkers dating." "Well, maybe you should tell that to Cameron and a certain dishwasher." " [Dish Shatters]" " We're just talking." "Wait." "Are you serious?" "Or is that just something you say like..." ""I love you" or "I didn't steal your stereo"?" "I'm dead serious." "Why do you think I never took a run at Becky?" "Uh, because then you'd have nothing left to fantasize about." "Hmm?" "That, and because people think that they can handle it." "But then emotions get involved, and feelings get hurt, and someone winds up getting fired." " [Man]Jack!" " Mmm?" "You're fired!" " He's mine!" " He's mine!" " [Woman]Jack?" " Yeah?" " You're fired." " Baby, what did I do?" "[Man] Jack, you're fired." "Bottom line" " Don't dip your wick in the company oil." "Hey." "Oh, nice." "Very accurate." " That's you." " I know." " I had nothing to do with those." " Yeah." "Look..." "Jack wants me to come in tomorrow early to sign for a shipment of meat." "But I don't want to do it." "So, um..." " you're gonna do it." " Okay, okay." "Will do." "Thank you for stopping by." " Geez." " Dude, that better not be for me." " It's" " It" " No." " [Mimi] Heads up, guys." "We got a level five celery-sucker out there." " [Groaning]" " What's that?" " A chef's mortal enemy." " A vegan." "No meat, no fish, no fowl, no fun ever." "They don't even eat eggs, which means that they're weak... and they can be frightened off with a large spoon." "Why wouldn't someone want to eat meat?" "Because it's poison." "That's why." "Plus it's killing the planet." "Oh, and let's not forget, it's murder." "Actually, three of the steaks we were serving tonight were suicides." "[Scoffs] Funny." "Uh, could you take this butter away?" "Yes." "I'll make sure to give it a decent burial." "Look, I'm serious about this." " I'm sure you're serious about everything." " You have no idea." "You know, I don't know what Jack's trying to prove with this whole no-dating rule." "I mean, we're all adults." "We can handle it." "You are so desperate to get me in the sack." "Get you in?" "No." "Kick you in?" "Yeah." "Oh, come on." "About now you're dying to let a little Steven in your life." " By a little Steven, I mean a lot of Steven." " [Laughs]" "Honey, there's nothing you have that I couldn't replace... with a pulsating showerhead and a little imagination." " Something I can help you with, Jim?" " Is there" " Hmm?" " No." "I- [Groans]" "I" " I'm sorry." "So I'm evil?" "I'm evil because I eat meat?" " Yes, I would say that." " I eat meat." " Mom, please?" " It's called the food chain." "We got to the top of it and cows didn't." "Why?" "'Cause they're lazy." "And now they're paying the price for it." "[Chuckles] I'm sure when the rain forests disappear... the planet will survive on your sense of humor." " You're just full of opinions." " A lot of men are intimidated by that." " I'm not a lot of men." " Does anyone care that it's my birthday?" "You are so picturing me naked right now." "Steven, if you want to have sex with me, just ask." "Maybe I'll do you a favor and throw you one." " Do me a favor?" " Mm-hmm." "Listen, sweetheart." "I don't ask women." "They ask me." " Hundred bucks says you will." " No." "Hundred bucks says you will." "You seriously think I want you that bad." "You will be lucky to last the day." " Fine then." "It's on." " Oh, it's on." "And, um" " Mmm." "I don't take checks." "Mmm." "Good." "I don't have a checkbook." "So I rinsed off some lettuce, put vinegar on it, and charged her 1 8 bucks." " Oh!" "Oh, vegans are stupid." " Yeah." "But you gotta give her credit." "She sticks by her principles." "Yes." "Stupid principles." "## [Woman Singing]" "## [Continues]" "[Grunts]" " ## [Continues]" " Yeah, I couldn't live that way." "I'm a hunter." "Which reminds me, grab your gun because it's éclair season." "Oh!" "[Laughs] Funny." " Bottom line" " Vegans are scum..." " [Phone Rings] and dead animals are delicious, huh?" " ## [Ends]" " Yeah, screw the vegans." " Yeah!" " Yeah!" "Yeah!" "[Rings]" " What?" " Chef." "Uh, you sound out of breath." "Did you run to the phone?" " What do you want, Jim?" " I'm sorry." "Um, so the meat guy brought the rabbits that you ordered for the special." "Don't stop." "What?" "Do they look fresh?" "Yeah." "Yeah, they look fresh." " Jim, these rabbits are- What's the technical term?" " Uh, New England cottontail?" "Alive, Jim!" "These rabbits are alive." "Oh, see?" "They're making little raisins." "Walk me through this." "Guy showed up with these live rabbits." " And then you, in your infinite wisdom, did what?" " Called you." "This isn't about blame, Jim." "You call the guy." "You have him take them back." " [Grunts] - [Rings]" " You've got Steven." " [Becky] Hey, sexy." "I thought I'd tell you about all the things that I want to do to you." " First" " Yeah?" "Well, uh, that's sounds, um, pleasant enough." "But, uh, here's a thing or two that you might enjoy, lady." "[Moans] Yeah, well, some women might enjoy that." "But not as much as you would enjoy a little bit of this." "Oh." "Okay, that is not my pastor." "Let's cut to the chase." "Here's what you really want." "[Steam Hisses]" "[Steven, Indistinct]" " No, dude, that sounds good." "My ass is awesome." " [Beeps]" "I'd" " Hello?" "Hello?" "He hung up on me." " Hey." " Hey." "What'd you do to my crab and cucumber salad?" "Actually, I was in the tub last night." "I had this idea." "You took the crab out, huh?" "You took the crab out." "I wanted to give the cucumbers a chance to shine." " Oh." " Is that wheatgrass on your breath?" "No, no, no." "I, um- I started drinking again." "[Chuckles] Liar." "You're shagging' the celery-sucker." "Yeah." "I can see marks from her tiny blunt teeth on your neck." "Great." "I do all the work and the customer gets the tip." " Actually, not just the tip." " Okay, that's enough." "I like Julia, okay?" "She's passionate... and-and-and she's committed, and she's got the courage of her convictions." "Unlike you." "What are you even doing with this woman?" "Chef, I talked to the guy." "He's gonna come in and kill the rabbits for you..." " since, you know, it freaks you out." " [Squeaking]" " I'm not freaked out." " Oh, no." "He's not freaked out" "He's selling out, which is actually more shameful." "I am not selling out!" "I've cooked thousands of animals far cuter than that." "Now where's my rabbit-stabbing knife?" " [Crunches]" " Hey, Jim." "Hi." "Don't look at me like that." "What'd I say?" "[Mutters] Look, you're an entrée one way or another." "If it's not gonna be me, it's gonna be somebody else, right?" "Right?" "Come on." "Work with me." "We gotta do this together." "[Sighs]" "You're gonna go to a nice place." "I'm gonna take you there." " Sorry, dude." " [Phone Ringing]" "Jack Bourdain." "Hey, gorgeous." "What are you doing?" "Nothing." "Hey." "[Chuckles]" "I was" " I was, uh- I was thinking about you." "Liar." "Hey, can you get away for a bite?" "And then maybe some lunch?" " Um, now?" " Unless you're doing something." "No, nothing." "Nothing that my, um- that my sous-chef can't handle." "Time to die, bunny." "If it's any consolation, I'm sure you'll be delicious." "Come to think of it, you do look a bit like a hamster I had when I was a tot" "Fuzzums." "I really miss that little guy." " I can't do this to you." " [Squeaks]" "I'm gonna fake a seizure." "[Grunting]" "[Steven] Oh, no." "Jim's having a fake seizure!" "It always comes down to the pâtissier." " [Squeaking]" " Your number is up, Thumper." "What are you doing to that cute little bunny?" "Petting him because he's so darned adorable." " [Blade Unsheathes] - [Gasps]" " I'll do it." " What, Ramon?" "No, thank you." "No." "So, who was wrong about tofu?" " The guy who invented tofu." " Hey." "Watch it!" " Sorry, I'm allergic to health." " Come on." "It's not that bad." "The fact that it was in my mouth that long shows how much I like you." " Get" " Get that away from me." " Oh, come on." "## [Woman Singing]" "## [Continues]" "[Moaning]" "## [Continues]" " [Grunts] - [Woman Moaning]" "[Mouthing Words] Oh!" " [Beeping] - ## [Continues]" " [Chittering] - [Woman Moaning]" " [Gasps]" " Oh, my God." "Dude." "We didn't see anything." " And you didn't see anything." " Hey, Tanya." " I saw something." " No, you didn't." "Watch your toes." " Now, this is what I'm talking about." " Why do you have to do that?" "Because if we're going back to your apartment, I need energy." " No." "See, now you have sausage breath." " Oh, come on." " Come on." "It's not that bad." "Come here." " No, it's disgusting." "Come here." "Kiss me." "What's gonna happen?" "Huh?" " Oh, my God." " Huh?" "You like that, don't you?" "Mm-hmm." "That is so good." " That's right." "Eat it." " Mmm!" "You love it." "You love the sausage." "I do." "I do love the sausage." "[Giggles]" " Mmm." " Did you want some more, little girl?" " Oh, I want some more." " Wait, wait, wait." "What about the rain forests?" " What?" "Whoa!" " [Moaning]" " That's my little tiger cub." " [Squealing]" "Whoa!" "Where the hell have you been, sweetheart?" " Oh, I was out to lunch with Julia." " Oh, Celery-sucker?" "Not anymore." "Now you can call her Sausage Girl." " Whoa!" " No, not for that reason." " Well, not only for that reason." " You turned her?" "Was there ever any doubt?" " All hail the vegan slayer." " Yeah!" " You the man." " Yo!" "Yo!" "Thank you." "So are the rabbits ready to go?" "Wh-What makes you think it was me?" "Other than that, it was a perfect crime." "Well, I think it's wrong to kill a living, breathing animal!" "What about your shoes?" "But alligators are mean." "This is very serious, Tanya." "Now we can't kill the rabbits at all." "And I, for one, was really looking forward to killing them." " Yeah, me too." "Love slaying rabbits." "Hate 'em." " Me too." "Animals?" "Meat?" "Yeah." "I'm very, very disappointed in you, Tanya." " [Chuckles]" " Thanks a lot, Jack." "Now I gotta go comfort her." "Thanks a lot, Jack." "## [Tango]" "## [Singing In Foreign Language]" "## [Continues]" "## [Ends]" " [Shudders] Can I help you?" " Oh!" "Sorry, Jim." " Ah." " Not bad." " Thank you." " Hmm." "Good morning, bunnies!" "[Gasps]" "Oh, my God!" "Bad bunnies!" "[Sniffles] Good-bye, bunnies." "I'll take them off your hands." "You're not gonna kill them, are you?" "No, of course not." "I'm gonna take them to my apartment so they can live with me forever." "Oh, that is so great." "You know, I don't know why Seth calls you a cascading bitch." "Sweetheart, that's "castrating."" "Oh!" "Now that makes sense." "Yeah." " Get that over there." " [Phone Rings]" " Hey, Julia." " I need you here now." "Oh, we're just about to open up." "Can you come over here?" " No." " Why not?" "[Retching, Coughing] It's the meat!" "You poisoned my body!" "What about all the nice things I've done to it?" "I'm sorry." "I just- I'm just trying to keep things light." " [Retching]" " Let me hold your hair." "Seth, where the hell are the tarts for table three?" " I'm working on it." "Chill." " I will not chill." "Table three wants those tarts." "They want them now." "You've been teasing them with tarts for long enough... and they can't stand it anymore." "Okay, this is not about tarts." "[Sighs] Listen, I feel terrible about this." " I had no idea a little bit of sausage would make you this- - [Retching]" "Is that bacon?" "I didn't feed you bacon." "No, but you fed me the sausage, which led to the salami... which led to the bacon." " Wait a second." "What is that, salami?" " Yes, and it's your fault." " How is that my fault?" " 'Cause you're the devil." "[Retching]" " Okay, this has gone too far." " Then give in." " No, you give in." " No, you give in." " Wait." "What if" " What if we both pay each other?" " Mm-hmm." "That way honor's served, and we get to have sex." "Oh, that is so damn hot, Steven." "Yeah, let's do that." "Let's do that right here." " Ta-da!" "Hundred dollars exactly." " Oh, it's 200 now." " What?" "Why?" " 'Cause now I know you'll pay." "Oh." "Damn you." "Jack, I need 1 5 minutes to run to the A.T.M." "Are you out of your mind?" "We hit the dinner rush." " Yeah." "What's your hurry, Steven?" " There's no hurry." " What if I could do it in 10?" " No!" "Can anyone lend me a hundred dollars very quickly?" "This time I'll pay you back, and I'm totally gonna call your sister." "Mimi!" "You look great!" "Is that a new hairstyle?" " I need a hundred dollars." " [Laughs] Oh, yeah." " I'll pay you back." " That's what you said last time." " This is important." " That's what you said last time." " This is important." " More important than when your nephew..." " needed a hundred dollars' worth of chemotherapy?" " Yes, because this one's real." " Don't ever touch me." " Okay." "So you broke up with her while she was puking?" "No, no." "I held her hair until she was done... and then I broke up, because I'm a gentleman." "Well, good, you know?" "I mean, she abandons her principles and then blames you?" "That's not the kind of woman you need to be with." "Oh, really?" "What kind of woman do I need to be with?" "I need two short ribs, one risotto and one rabbit special." " We don't have a rabbit special, Cameron." " Sure we do." " Becky, did you just" " It's no big deal." "You know, I just..." "picked 'em up... and I said, "Nice rabbit." "Sweet rabbit."" " And then- - [Snaps]" " [Gasps]" " Hmm." "Problem, Jim?" " Not anymore." " Hmm." " You're incredible." " Well... sometimes you gotta stop pussyfooting around and do what you gotta do." "[Jack Narrating] The truth is most of us are barely even aware... that there's a connection between the animal and the meat on our plate." "The rabbit special." "Enjoy." "[Man] Thank you." " [Sobbing]" " Oh, no, no, no, no." "[Jack] It's comforting to pretend that nothing had to die to sate our appetites." "But it's also a lie." "And you have to admire someone who has the courage... to look that part of themselves in the eye and not flinch." "I know I do." "## [Man Singing]" "[Laughing] Guess who's got the money!" "Loser." " You know?" " Hmm?" "I've been waiting 10 years to get you in the sack." "And all you had to do was ask." " I don't ask." " ## [Continues]" "## [Fades]" "I can't do this to you." "I'm gonna fake a seizure." "[Grunting]" "[Steven] Oh, no." "Jim's having a fake seizure!" "No." "Actually, that was real." "Really miss that little guy." " [Gasps]" " I'll do it." "What?" "Ramon, no!" "Thank you." "No!"