"[Thunder claps]" "Oh..." "Sorry, I fell asleep." "It's so restful back there." "Pick me up tomorrow on your way to the parlor." "Best car pool I've ever been in." "Oh, it's only you, Lily." "I thought it was something scary." "Herman, come with me." "Oh, what's the happy occasion?" "The reading of a will." "Oh, goody!" "That sounds like a fun thing." "Herman, an uncle of yours," "Kavanagh Munster from England, has passed on." "To coin a phrase, he went out like a light." "Uncle Kavanagh?" "I didn't know there were English Munsters." "Marilyn, no matter where you go, you can always dig up our relatives." "Come on!" "Let's open the will... and see what kinda loot we got." "Now, I want us all to remain calm, no matter what this says." "Proceed, Lily." "As usual, we will be the soul of propriety and decorum." "I, Lord Kavanagh Munster, fourth Earl of Shroudshire, hereby bequeath unto my beloved nephew Herman Munster, my entire estate, lands and properties, thereby investing him with the charter, duties and title of Lord Munster, fifth Earl of Shroudshire."" "I'm rich... I'm rich." "I'm rich!" "I'm rich!" "I'm rich!" "I'm a lord!" "I'm a lord!" "[Everybody shouts excitedly]" "Yes, Grandpa?" "I thought there'd always be an England." "But now I'm not so sure." "Hurry up, Grandpa, or we'll miss the boat." "I'll be right with you." "I'm finishing an experiment." "Boy, that's good booze!" "Well, I guess I'm ready." "How do I look?" "Er..." "Oh, fine, Marilyn." "Just fine." "Well, I'm all set." "I'll just check my portable laboratory." "I can't go anywhere without my goodies." "Come on. I've got my surfboard." "Let's go." "I wish there was some way to help Marilyn." "lily:" "Poor unfortunate thing." "Well, don't look at me." "She's your sister's kid." "No one on my side of the family ever looked like that." "Maybe she'll meet some nice boy on the ship and fall in love." "Yeah, we could use some fresh blood in the family." "Goodbye, Spot." "Don't eat anybody till we get back." "Herman, don't forget to lock the door." "Oh!" "Oh, Herman, I'm just so thrilled about going to England!" "I've got vulture bumps all over." "[Wolf howls]" "Alfie, no need to go all weak-kneed... every time we're here at Munster Hall." "If it gives you the shivers, don't look at it." "Well, it makes me skin crawl, Joey." "Me mum says they have a murder every week." "Just like changing films at the cinema." "Herman?" "Hmm?" "Yes, dear." "Do you feel like we're being stared at?" "I don't know why." "I've gone to great lengths to remain incognito." "Emily?" "Emily?" "Emily?" "Where are you, Emily?" "[Woman screams]" "Beg your pardon." "Psst!" "Psst!" "Oooooh!" "Can I do anything else, sir?" "For me?" "Oh, thank you." "Grandpa!" "It's OK, kid..." "I'll catch you later." "Grandpa, your room's right next door." "Marilyn, yours is across the hall." "Good. I'll go and unpack." "If you meet any strange men, be sure and speak to them." "HERMAN:" "That's right." "Don't let your unattractiveness make you self-conscious." "Yes, Uncle Herman." "Hey, Mom, look at this neat place for me to sleep." "Oh, yes, Eddie." "lily:" "It's mahogany and even has handles on it." "At night you'll feel right at home." "Mom, how come Pop inherited an English title?" "eddie:" "I thought he was made in Germany." "Well, at an early age, he left Dr Frankenstein's lab in Germany." "That's right." "Then he arrived in England and was adopted by the Munster family, who gave him their name." "Oh, Emily." "Oh, you've been drinking too much." "You look awful." "I beg your pardon?" "Hmph!" "I always hated you anyway, you old bag!" "Oh, hi, Emily!" "I wonder who she was?" "P.A.:" "All ashore that's going ashore." "Oh, Herman, I do hope we don't have a rough crossing." "A bit of rough weather would quicken the pulses of an old salt like me." "Like the Viking, I'm looking forward to the spray, the white caps, the rolling blue waters and the rise and fall of a great ship." "Heave-ho on the bounding main!" "[Horn blows]" "Help..." "Help!" "Herman, what's the matter?" "We're moving, dear." "Let me lie down, my stomach... I'm dying!" "[Groans]" "Grandpa, what's wrong with Pop?" "What's wrong?" "The mighty Viking is about to heave-ho!" "Herman, you've been in bed now for two days." "You're not going to die." "I know I'm not." "I'm not strong enough to die." "[Laughs] Relax, Herman." "Eddie and Marilyn are in the hold now, getting my portable laboratory out of our car." "I'll whip up a potion and have you on your feet... before you can say Jack the Ripper." "[Wails pathetically]" "eddie:" "Brrrmmm !" "Brrrrm !" "Brrrrmmm !" "Brrrooom !" "Brrooooom !" "Brrrooooom !" "What's the matter?" "Get out. lt's not your car... and you're acting very childish." "But, gee, this car's wild." "You get in and try." "Don't be silly." "I'm much too old for that." "Take this to Grandpa." "He needs it." "OK." "Since turning 19, you don't have any fun at all." "Brrrrumm !" "Brrrrumm !" "May I see your license?" "Oh!" "Excuse me, is this--your car?" "Mm-hm." "marilyn:" "Oh..." "Well, I really have no business in here." "I was getting something and my cousin was fooling around, and I told him not to, and then I got in and..." "Oh..." "How do you get out?" "lt sticks." "There you are." "Thank you." "A girl has trouble getting out of these things." "Yes, the Italians design them that way." "I've been racing in America." "What do you think of it?" "lt's cute." "My dear, one does not refer to a Ferrari GT Spider as cute." "Formidable, magnificent-- sexy, perhaps--but never cute." "Oh, well, I'm sorry." "Do you want to see the motor?" "lf l'm not keeping you." "Not at all." "[Banging and thumping]" "Freddie Munster!" "Stop throwing those tantrums on that cold floor." "Get up." "Come over here and behave yourself." "I won't!" "I won't!" "I won't!" "Freddie, you insufferable idiot!" "Do what Mum says." "l won't!" "I won't!" "Mumsy, this American rotter sends us this wireless, says he's coming on Wednesday with his family... and he has the audacity to sign it Lord Munster." "But, my love, he is Lord Munster." "You said I'd be Lord Munster." "You promised!" "Stop snivelling, you clot!" "Father hated you and took revenge on all of us... by willing everything to this American." "Well, I say we should have hired someone to do him in." "Like bashing him on the cranium with something jagged." "Freddie, we will do nothing so rash...as bash." "I have contacted our leader..." "The Gryphon." "What does he, she or it have to suggest?" "Sometimes I think there's no such person as The Gryphon." "It's just a phantom you conjured to threaten us with." "Oh, no, Grace." "There is a Gryphon." "It has supplied the answer to getting rid of these Munsters." "And the answer is..." "Fear." "Fear?" "Fear?" "Fear." "They sound like ordinary people." "They should frighten easily." "So...we are to allow them to come and then-- l bash them with something jagged." "Mumsy, how wizard!" "There will be no bashing!" "We'll merely frighten them away." "Yes, Mumsy." "[Bong!" "]" "You rang, madam?" "Yes, Cruikshank." "Run along now, children." "Mumsy." "Oh, Freddie!" "Put that battle-axe back where it belongs." "Yes, Mumsy." "There's a love." "Ah, the poor dears." "They don't really believe that there is The Gryphon." "But we know better, Cruikshank, do we not?" "Indeed we do, madam." "Indeed we do." "I don't believe this Gryphon rot." "So I've taken matters into my own hands." "What have you done, you horrid gap-toothed gilp?" "I've had a little bon voyage package sent to Cousin Herman." "I think my scheme will bear fruit." "[Snickers] Bear fruit..." "Bear fruit?" "I don't get it." "No, but he will." "[Ticking]" "[Laughs] The old medicine man is here again." "I not gonna take a pill." "Not!" "Not!" "Not!" "Not!" "Lily, you married the original chicken-of-the-sea." "Herman, you've been seasick three days." "You're spoiling the trip." "You take the pill this minute!" "No!" "Not unless he takes one first." "All right, junior." "Watch..." "[Gulps]" "See, stupid?" "I been prescribing these for centuries." "Without my pills," "Columbus would have discovered America hanging over the rail." "Grandpa!" "What?" "lily:" "Look at your hand." "Mama mia!" "You see, Herman?" "You made me take a wolf pill by mistake." "[Booming laugh]" "You dumb, old mad scientist, you!" "Grandpa, what are you gonna do?" "I'm gonna hide." "I hope I can make it to my cabin in time." "Hey, there's a dog." "Let's grab it." "[Howls]" "Er, do you have a leash I could borrow?" "I'm sorry." "All pets must be confined while on board." "Oh, dear." "He'll miss the Captain's party tonight." "Well, we'll get him when we dock tomorrow." "I'm afraid that's impossible." "English law requires pets to be quarantined for six months." "[Whines]" "Oh, quiet, Father." "I'm trying to think." "[Pop!" "]" "You heard me, Herman." "You're going right now to get Grandpa out that kennel." "But, gee, tonight's the Captain's party, dear." "And I've got my sea legs now." "I want to go and..." "put on funny hats... be obnoxious..." "talk too loud and get stoned..." "Uphold the American image abroad." "Never mind that." "You can make a fool of yourself in England." "OK. lf that's a promise." "But, gee, this is my last chance to meet Marilyn's boyfriend and have fun." "Now I gotta go get that party pooper out of the clink." "On your way!" "We're not going to Munster Hall... while my father rots in quarantine." "Even if I do get Grandpa, how will we get him through customs?" "I'll think of something." "You just keep a level head." "[Ticking]" "What's the matter now, Herman?" "I don't know who sent us this fruit, but my apple is ticking." "It's just your wristwatch." "Oh... [Laughs]" "Now, you go and say goodnight to Eddie-- and get going!" "Yes, dear." "Yes, dear." "Good night, Edward." "Good night, Pop." "Herman!" "Give me that!" "Ooooh!" "[Ticking continues]" "Noisiest worm I ever heard." "[Boom !" "]" "Oh, goody!" "Thunder." "Well, it's been a wonderful crossing." "I've never felt like this about a girl before." "C'mon, Roger. I bet you've had lots of romances." "Well, I'll be truthful." "Eight, ten, perhaps a dozen." "How nice for you." "I'll never forget my first." "It was a Triumph." "You don't have to be that truthful." "It was a Triumph motorbike and I was 16." "Puppy love." "Then my taste got more sophisticated." "There was a Lagonda, a Bentley, an Alfa Romeo, ending with that luscious Italian beauty below decks." "What's the matter?" "All of a sudden I feel inadequate, as if I should have fenders or something." "Not at all." "Your standard equipment will do very nicely." "Do you always have to joke?" "What makes you think I'm joking?" "It's happened before." "There was a boy who said all kinds of nice things." "I guess he was joking, because after he met my folks he disappeared... and I never saw him again." "Marilyn, I've never been more serious in my life." "MAN Inside:" "Be right back, Frank." "Ohhh!" "Uuuhh!" "!" "[Wolf howls]" "You hear that?" "I saw a movie where a dog howled like that... and next thing you know, he turned into Lon Chaney Jr." "Come on." "There you are, you dumb old wolf, you." "I'll have you out in no time." "Grandpa, please!" "We're both boys." "Come on." "There's someone down there." "[Clang!" "]" "Aaah!" "That's a strange way to act." "I guess they're not used to being near royalty." "Roger?" "Hmm?" "All these nice things you've been saying to me, how can I make sure you're not just kidding me with a line?" "Believe me, I'm not." "What's wrong?" "Was I that bad?" "No!" "Not at all." "It was that thing, there." "There's nothing there." "But there was!" "It was nine feet tall." "A frightening creature!" "You're not funny." "l'm not being funny. I saw it." "It walked like this." "And it was carrying some beast." "It was wearing a dinner jacket." "The beast had a dinner jacket?" "No, it was naked." "I mean, it wasn't wearing anything." "All right, don't believe me." "Well, why should I?" "If you want to brush me off, you don't have to make up monsters." "Why would I do that?" "You're the most beautiful girl I ever met." "Roger!" "On top of everything else, do you have to be sarcastic?" "l don't understand Americans." "No one asked you to." "Good-bye!" "I say, you must tell me something." "Did you just see a hideous giant with a green face?" "I see 'em all the time, friend." "All the time." "Boy, my father-in-law the fur piece." "I bet we get caught." "[Wolf whines]" "You should have said on the ship." "There's nothing we can do about it now." "Excuse me, excuse me." "British subject?" "Yes, but I have to see girl." "You must wait here for clearance." "But I made a terrible mistake last night." "Consider yourself fortunate." "I've been married to my terrible mistake for 34 years." "Grrrrr!" "What's the matter now?" "Emily, that lady's fur just snapped at me." "Herbert, so early in the morning?" "I'll bet dumb old Father never turns back from a wolf." "[Meowing]" "Grrrrrr!" "Oh!" "Aaargh!" "Phew." "What's going on here?" "Last thing I remember I was on board ship." "Now I'm on the docks in England chasing a cat." "And where's Mr. Hennesey, our proper proprieter, Millie?" "He's absent on urgent business." "You got any complaints?" "Not likely." "How you blokes continue to bring those boxes... in and out of Munster Hall is clean past me." "We picks 'em up." "We delivers 'em to the office, we get well paid and that's it." "Hey, tell me, lads." "Cross me heart and hope to die, it'll go no further." "You ever looked inside them coffins you cart about?" "They ain't coffins, they're boxes." "Besides, who wants to chance what might look back at you?" "[Laughs] Now look what you went and done." "You fair punctured Hennesey's jugular, you have." "Weird, it is." "Everybody knows there's a dread secret about that place." "You ever run into the secret of Munster Hall?" "Not us." "We makes our deliveries and pick-ups" "and don't pry." "Right, Alfie?" "Right." "Too frightened, eh, lads?" "No." "Not in the slightest." "Nothing frightens old Alfie." "[Phone rings]" "Be a good lad and mind the pumps, eh?" "Right." "A nice slice o' cake, she is, Al." "Right." "Sorta makes you wish it was your birthday." "[Rush of wind]" "[Boing!" "]" "Anybody here know how I can get to Munster Hall?" "Y-y-you want Munster Hall?" "It's straight on." "You can't miss it." "Straight over the hill." "[Mocking English accent] Oh!" "Over the 'ill to the 'all!" "Thanks." "Now I'm frightened." "There's a vehicle approaching from East Gasping Moor, madam." "It must be Cousin Herman." "We'll put The Gryphon's Plan A into effect immediately." "So my apple didn't go off." "Shoddy workmanship." "Stop mumbling, Freddie." "We shall retire now, so the imposter and family will arrive at a darkened house." "Cruikshank shall put them in the tower suite tonight." "Then we shall throw such a fright into them... that they shall be gone before morning." "It's my turn in the sheet." "You work the panels." "No!" "You work the panels." "l won't!" "You will." "[Bang!" "]" "Freddie shall wear the sheet." "Now, both of you run upstairs and get ready." "There's a pair of loves." "Aaah!" "[Giggles and cackles]" "Stinker!" "Did you ever see anything so beautiful in your whole life?" "Oh!" "It's a dream house!" "The Americans are here." "Good." "Are you still thinking about that English guy on the boat?" "Why don't you think real hard, then when you sleep, he might horse around in your dreams." "Thanks." "Maybe I will." "Does it work for you?" "I don't know." "Every girl I want to think about, I hate." "Well, good night, Eddie." "Good night, Marilyn." "Good night, Grandpa." "Good night." "Rotten dreams." "You know, I just can't get over it, Lily." "To think that this is mine." "All mine." "I know, Hermy baby." "But get some sleep now." "I want you to look nice for your relatives tomorrow." "But I just can't sleep, dear." "It's so beautiful." "The decor absolutely sends me... and the architecture knocks me out." "[Wailing and rattling]" "What's that?" "[Evil cackling]" "[Screams]" "Oh!" "Lily, they're playing our song." "[Howls and groans]" "[Creaking]" "Look, bumblebee." "lily:" "They even have sliding panels." "How nice of your family to make us feel so at home." "[Cackles]" "Aaaaaarrrrrrrgh!" "[Both laugh]" "Lovely!" "Lovely!" "[Wolf howls]" "Woooooo!" "Ooh, this is the best yet." "Die!" "Die!" "How do you do, Mr. Die?" "I'm Herman Munster and this is my..." "Aaaaaaaaaah!" "You know, Lily?" "Yes, sugar?" "I don't know when I've ever felt more welcome in a strange place." "Really." "Last night couldn't have been more badly bungled, if I'd given it to Parliament to do." "Mumsy, you should have seen him there, with this great fissure down his forehead." "[With mouth full] Ghastly!" "I can hardly eat a thing." "It's absolutely true, Mums." "Grace, I've warned you time and time again... of the evils of exaggeration." "Oh!" "Great Scott!" "Good morrow, family-mine." "And you must be my Aunt Effigie." "You know, I can tell, because we both have that same noble Munster brow." "Oh, please, please." "Don't get up." "And you must be my Cousin Freddie." "If you kiss me, I'll scream." "And you must be Cousin Grace." "Oh, Marilyn." "Marilyn, you could take a few lessons from Cousin Grace." "See what a sandpaper skin... and a touch of malnutrition can do for the complexion?" "Oh, yes. lt does wonders for you, Cousin Grace." "[Breathes heavily]" "Young man, what do you think of Munster Hall?" "Weirdsville." "What a kookoo pad." "Doesn't he speak English?" "No." "Just American." "May I get you a bite of breakfast, governor." "Oh, thank you, Cruikshank." "But I am not a governor." "I never even made alderman." "I am a simple man." "A man of the people." "You may call me Lord." "I'm Lord Munster, not him !" "Not he, Freddie." "The objective pronoun always takes the nominative case." "I don't care. I don't care." "[Whines] I'm Lord Munster." "Mums, Freddie's bashing his head against a wall." "If he opens a vein he'll ruin the drapes." "There, there, lovey." "You shall be Lord Munster, as soon as we think of a tidy way... of disposing of the great oaf." "Mumsy, I know it isn't my birthday, but let me do him in." "You do him in?" "You selfish beastie!" "Don't you remember what our psychiatrist said about sharing?" "Sharing?" "I'm against this share the wealth" business." "Very un-British." "Here you are." "Ta." "Oh, double gins this early in the day, chaps?" "We got to haul some more boxes from Munster Hall, sir." "Squire--Your Honourable." "It takes a brace of gins to muster enough backbone... to walk through that miserable gate, Squire." "Why, it's disgraceful." "Disgraceful!" "Those Munsters." "Sneaking about the country for 300 years, popping bodies into ditches, poisoning the neighbours' cats." "And all of them despicable, politically, of course." "They ought to be shot!" "Ought to be shot!" "Ought to be hung, drawn and quartered, the lot of them !" "There we are..." "Blast ye!" "If you ask me, Squire blusters like that... because he's afraid of the secret of Munster Hall too." "Mr. Hennesey here could fill you in on that." "When he was head groom at Munster, him and the lady Grace was like two peas in a pod." "I suppose when you been around animals for a long time... it's very difficult to tell one horse-face from another." "That right, Mr. Hennesey?" "My private life's no concern of the likes of you." "What I know about Munster Hall, I keep to myself." "Now, you look after the customers, my girl," "marilyn:" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Sir!" "I'm sorry, sir!" "It was all my fault." "Blast it, girl!" "Don't try to change the--Aaargh!" "You came at me like a charging rhinoceros." "Your fault, you say?" "Yes, sir." "You see, I was thinking of someone else." "Er, something else." "My dear young woman, this is the first time I've ever been apologized to... by one of your generation." "Why, this calls for fireworks at the very least." "Come down here, lad!" "Come down, blast it, and meet this perfectly charming colonial girl." "Really, Squire." "[Laughs]" "Good heavens, Lester." "Must you trumpet like a wounded wildebeest?" "I suppose he brought you to meet our son." "Of course." "Time he met someone with decent bone structure." "Instead of those thin-lipped wallabies he finds in London." "Look at the girl." "She could give us a dozen grandchildren without noticing." "Are you coming down?" "Yes, Dad." "Marilyn!" "Roger!" "I say!" "They might have the decency to wait till I'd introduced them." "Dear guys, I hope things are OK back there at the parlor." "Well, here I am at Munster Hall." "We're all making a great effort to adjust to our inherited splendor."" "[Sings] High on the gallows, it's a shame and a sin" "Me own blood-brother swings" "He was innocent, but I turned him in" "For a cask of ale and nine shillings" "Where'd you get the hot rod, sporty?" "Oh." "Oh, it's you, sir." "Me late master's racer." "Won the Shroudshire road race 12 times in a row." "I was his driver." "In the 13th race, I hit the wall in East Gasping." "That's what scrambled your bones." "I always thought Squire Moresby forced me off." "Dirty work at the crossroads, eh?" "Always was a grudge race between the Munsters and the squire." "Even Her Ladyship was quite a driver in her day." "We always had hopes a Munster heir would come along... and bring the trophy home again." "Unfortunately, Master Freddie hasn't the stomach for racing." "Even as a baby, he got car sick in his perambulator." "Thank you, Bridgette." "Roger will be down as soon as he's made himself presentable." "Yes, my dear, a Moresby car... has won the Shroudshire trophy for five years running." "And now it's Roger's turn to carry on." "I see a Lord Munster won it from 1910 to 1922." "Was that Aunt Effigie's husband?" "[Splutters]" "Did you say Aunt Effigie, dear?" "Are you by any chance related to the Munsters?" "Why, yes." "My Uncle Herman and Aunt Lily just inherited Munster Hall." "I thought you knew." "Young lady, we haven't had a Munster on this property since 1820, when we caught one trying to poison our well." "You mean you don't like the Munsters?" "They're loathsome creatures." "Roger should have warned us." "Once we'd have set the dogs on you." "Well, I don't think that'll be necessary." "Marilyn, where are you going?" "None of your business, you--you" "You English ratfink!" "And you should see Lily and Eddie... making friends here and there... in our quaint little village."" "Mom?" "Yes?" "What are tomahtoes?" "Oh, that's how they pronounce tomato here, dear." "Why?" "That's what they're throwing at me." "Munster!" "Munster!" "Evil eye!" "Munster!" "Munster!" "Die!" "Die!" "Die!" "Really!" "Come along, Eddie." "And Roger's family practically threw me out the house." "And kids threw tomahtoes at me." "And the shops closed their doors in my face." "It was like they had something against Munster Hall." "In the saloon, they talked about the secret of Munster Hall." "There is something going on here." "As head of the Munster clan, it is my duty to find out what and right the wrong." "Herman Munster, stop playing Prince Valiant." "I want you to go to the police and stop playing detective." "Do you hear me?" "Yes." "Right you are, dear." "Come on, Grandpa." "Herman?" "Hmm?" "Do you understand we have to be absolutely quiet?" "All right." "All right." "I'll be absolutely quiet." "Uh!" "Uh!" "Uh!" "Herman!" "Dumb old flag." "Herman?" "Where are you going?" "I don't know." "I'm trying the rooms." "Here." "Take that." "Follow me." "[Thunderous clatter]" "There's gotta be a basement under this place." "The thing is, how do we get down there?" "[Yawns] I don't know." "Let's go back to bed." "Look." "This is it!" "A secret passage!" "[Both laugh]" "You did it!" "You did it!" "Grandpa, isn't that neato?" "It's just like your playroom back home." "Come on." "Follow me." "Shh!" "Hand me the torch." "GRANDPA:" "Ow!" "Herman!" "[Rumbling]" "[Hollow thuds]" "Herman, I must ask Freddie where he gets his slime." "It looks imported." "[Howling in distance]" "Hmm." "Funny place to put a gate." "What?" "After you, Grandpa." "Oh, thank you." "[Knocking at door]" "[Knocking continues]" "Oh!" "Oh, it's you, Cousin Eddie." "I can't find my pop." "He always kisses Wulfuf good night." "Would you do it, Cousin Freddie?" "Well..." "I'd rather not." "Well, would you kiss me good night?" "Thanks, Cousin Freddie." "[Bubbling and fizzing]" "Follow the leader." "[Both grunt and groan]" "Herman!" "Herman!" "Wait for me. I can't make it." "[Pipe creaks and cracks]" "Easy does it, Herman." "The warden of health would make him cover that." "[Hollow taps]" "[Hollow thuds]" "[Heavy footsteps]" "Alfie, I think I hear something." "Cor, I hope it's only... only an earthquake." "Let's get this over with." "[Footsteps get louder]" "[Everybody screams]" "Grandpa?" "Yes, Herman?" "You can let me down now." "Grandpa?" "What are you doing?" "Opening the box." "Maybe there's someone in here who knows what's going on." "[Box creaks]" "Aaaaaagh!" "Who is it?" "Anyone we know?" "Herman, take a look." "[Creaks open]" "Oh!" "Looky!" "HERMAN:" "Play money!" "[Laughs]" "Oh, and say, look" "Here's a picture of Mary Poppins." "HERMAN:" "But they left off her umbrella." "Herman, this is the Queen of England... and these are English pounds." "Herman, there is something going on here." "Where?" "Where?" "In there." "Come on." "[Bangs and pulls door]" "Keep ye out."" "[Groans] Herman, come back here and open the door!" "OK." "OK." "OK." "[Thud]" "Allow me." "[Crash]" "[Both] Ah!" "[Both laugh]" "Photo engraver..." "Developer..." "Printing ink..." "Ah..." "Printing plates..." "Ah..." "Printing press." "Ah..." "[Both] Money." "Money!" "Herman!" "They're printing it right here." "There must be millions of pounds." "We've stumbled onto a counterfeit ring!" "This is the secret of Munster Hall." "[Laughs]" "Call the police." "l'll..." "Call the fbi." "l'm..." "Get Scotland Yard." "Right..." "Phone Batman." "Car 54, where are you?" "Herman, will you knock it off!" "What are we gonna do?" "l'll tell you." "First, we're not gonna tell Lily, Marilyn or Eddie... and get them all upset." "We have to sit down and decide what to do." "OK..." "OK, well, let's go back to bed." "Right." "[Both laugh]" "Out!" "Herman, where have you been for the last hour?" "Well, I..." "I, er... I..." "I went for a drink of water." "Uh-huh." "Sure is a long way to the bathroom." "Hmm." "[Yawns]" "Now, listen, Herman" "[Snores]" "Herman?" "[Mumbles] Two more minutes..." "Oh, thank you, Cruikshank." "You're welcome, madam." "Cousin Herman has discovered the secret of Munster Hall?" "How terrible!" "He's bound to tell the police... and you know how stuffy they are about counterfeiting." "I shouldn't think so." "When he came to see me, I convinced the oaf I knew nothing of the goings-on." "I was properly shocked and surprised." "Oh!" "Wizard, Mums." "I told him I'd inform the authorities... and the matter would be taken care of immediately." "But sooner or later he's bound to find out." "Mumsy, let me do him in." "Pretty please." "He shall be done in, but according to The Gryphon's prearranged plan." "Yes, dear Cousin Herman... shall conveniently drive himself into the hereafter... in the Shroudshire road race next Saturday." "Bully, Mums!" "And I'll be Lord Munster!" "l'll be Lord Munster!" "Quiet, Freddie!" "It has always been a grudge race, between the Munsters and the Moresbys." "The Gryphon has arranged for an accident on the track." "And Roger Moresby will get the blame." "Cousin Herman isn't a race driver." "How can you persuade him to do it?" "He fancies himself as head of the family." "We shall appeal to his honor, loyalty, and sense of family pride." "How delightfully unscrupulous!" "Herman Munster, get out of this car!" "Why do you have to drive in that race Saturday?" "Lily, I promised Aunt Effigie I would uphold the family honor." "Roger insulted our Marilyn, and Aunt Effigie said it was this or fight a duel." "And you know I don't have a gun permit." "Herman, forget the race for a minute." "What about that little matter we discovered last night?" "I discussed it with Aunt Effigie... and it's all been taken care of." "Do you think I'm stupid or something?" "Hermy, there'll be experienced drivers in that race." "You could get killed!" "Lily, dear, you don't seem to understand." "I'm an English lord now." "[Engine starts]" "Tally-ho!" "[Crash]" "I'm sorry, sir, but Miss Marilyn is not at home." "May I come in?" "I'll be glad to give her the flowers... and tell her you called." "You be sure and do that now." "I'm always happy to give love a helping hand." "Adolescent swine." "And he never contacted me, and every time I called, his mother said he was busy." "There, there, dear." "You've only had your heart broken." "Wait till you've had a stake driven through it, like I have." "I wish Uncle Herman hadn't wrecked the car, so he could beat Roger in the race." "Uncle Herman will think of something." "We Munsters aren't the type to take things lying down." "How is it?" "Nice snug fit." "We're short of parts." "I was lucky to dig it up." "It'll be great for the body." "Hey, Grandpa, these pipe organ parts will make neat exhaust pipes." "Oh, great." "Thank you, Eddie." "And looky what I found." "Some peachy headlights." "Oh-ho!" "We're gonna have a terrific racer here." "I used the motor from our car." "I'll soup it up, stick in a high-lift cam and a blower." "Boy, you'll wipe 'em at the race." "You'll shut 'em all down." "eddie AND GRANDPA:" "Brrooom !" "Brrooom !" "Oh, boy!" "I am gonna be the hottest driver in the race." "Ooooh!" "Ooooh!" "Whooooa!" "Oh!" "Ooooh!" "Ah!" "How sweet that is." "Gentlemen." "Thanks, love." "There's no contest." "Squire's boy'll win it hands down." "I don't see it that way at all." "Hennesey, I'll put another fiver on Nedder." "All right, another five." "I'd stick with Moresby." "He's got the hottest rig in the race." "'Course, Worthington might have an outside chance." "Drinks Irish whiskey, he does, you know?" "What's the matter with you two blokes?" "I've seen zombies at the flickers looking happier." "You'd have the wobblies too, if you'd been to Munster Hall." "MlLLlE:" "Well, well." "Look who's here." "Mr. Freddie Munster." "Oh, we are honored, aren't we?" "What'll you have--sir?" "Well, if it isn't Hennesey, our late horse groom." "I didn't recognize you without a pitchfork." "You've cleaned up frightfully well." "What's your pleasure, sir?" "We'll talk about that later." "Meanwhile, I'll have an enormous Scotch... and a teeny drop of soda." "Oh, I say, Hennesey, bookmaking, eh?" "You'll be smoking next." "You care to make a little wager?" "I might, at that." "Er, fifty fine?" "Fifty pounds?" "On your cousin, the American." "No, no, no." "On young Moresby." "On the nose." "[Engine revs]" "Hurry up, Pop." "You'll miss the race." "Boy, I can hardly wait to burn rubber in this." "The race starts in an hour." "Eddie and I are going ahead, to get seats in the grandstand." "I don't want to miss you wiping out that Roger." "Say, where's your Aunt Lily and Grandpa?" "They'll be along." "They're inside getting ready." "Well, I hope they don't get tied up and miss the start." "Listen, buster, this is modern-day England." "You can't get away with knocking off Herman." "That's what makes the whole thing so delightful--we can." "You see, this will look like an ordinary racing accident... and any blame will attach to that loathsome Roger Moresby." "Oh!" "Freddie Munster, you're not a very nice person." "I am a thorough rotter, like all Munsters before me, and proud of it." "Unfortunately, I'm not the brains behind this scheme." "Well, aren't you going to ask me who is?" "Oh, don't be a spoilsport." "Please ask me." "All right." "All right." "Who is?" "The Gryphon!" "A brilliant man, who set up this counterfeiting operation, knowing that our reputation would frighten off busybodies." "The Gryphon also thought up this scheme... for doing in dear Cousin Herman." "Oh!" "You can't get away with this." "We'll go to the police." "Well, who would believe you, you silly-billies?" "The accident will be in broad daylight, in front of hundreds of people." "Do make yourselves comfortable, won't you?" "P.A.:" "Good afternoon, everyone." "On the behalf of the managment of the annual Shroudshire race, we thank you for coming to see the events today." "You're in for an exciting time." "So sit back, relax and have fun." "The first race will begin in five minutes." "[Car engines revving]" "Golly, I don't see Pop anywhere, but there's Roger." "Please, Eddie, I'm ignoring him." "I hope those guys didn't bring any more tomahtoes." "Now, watch those hairpin curves... and keep an eye on that Munster car." "They'll do anything to win." "Right, Dad." "Above all, drive carefully, dear." "Shouldn't you wear a sweater?" "Oh, Mother." "If you see Marilyn, ask why I haven't heard from her." "Of course I will, darling." "Well, good luck." "P.A.:" "All drivers check with starter." "Five minutes." "All right." "Now, Lily." "A-one, a-two, a-three." "Father, that was wonderful!" "Nothing." "A little trick I picked up from Houdini." "Oh!" "Oh, we just have to get out of here and warn Herman." "P.A.:" "The annual Shroudshire race starts in just a moment." "There's Roger!" "I thought you were ignoring him." "Oh, yes. I forgot." "Hey!" "There's Pop." "[Brakes screech and engine grinds]" "Go, Uncle Herman!" "Go!" "Go!" "Go!" "Carry on, Roger!" "P.A.:" "Gentlemen, start your motors." "And they're off!" "Oh, I say!" "What's this?" "It's a tomahto, sir." "Oh, Grandpa." "What are we going to do?" "They'll kill Herman." "They'll kill him !" "[Banging]" "Shh!" "Wait a minute." "There's somebody coming." "[Whistles]" "lt's you two chaps." "That's who it is, sir." "We come for a pick-up, sir." "Right. ln there." "You want us to go in there?" "In the secret room?" "Come on." "There are only two left and that's the last." "I can't say it's a pity." "If you see anything or anybody, just ignore them, eh?" "Glad to hear that too, sir." "That's the two of them, sir." "Good show." "Crikey!" "They get heavier all the time." "Never mind." "Just pretend it's your mother-in-law." "I do believe it's time to take it out of first." "P.A.:" "And the Munster car takes the lead... in a tremendous blast of steam." "[Creaking]" "Joey, your stomach's growling again." "It is not." "It's your old joints, mate." "[Creaks and thuds] lt's your stomach." "And I say it's your joints." "[Creaking]" "Joey?" "Yeah?" "Whatever's creaking... and whatever's growling, is creaking and growling from back" "[Eddie screams] there!" "Come on, Uncle Herman!" "Attaboy, Pop!" "Come on, Roger, old boy!" "P.A.:" "The drivers are tight." "Just finishing the first lap." "Roger must have had steering wheel trouble." "Trouble, nothing." "He's trying to wreck my pop." "Roger!" "How could you?" "[Clucking]" "Grandpa!" "Watch out for that tree!" "What tree?" "Woman driver!" "How's it going?" "All right." "The Gryphon should nail him next time round." "Good." "By the by, why aren't you guarding the prisoners?" "Don't worry about them." "They're locked up in the vault." "Oh, poor Herman." "I'll never see him again." "Lily!" "Look, horses." "Grandpa, what if we get caught?" "It won't be the first time I'm hanged as a horse thief." "Hey!" "Pop's in the lead." "Oh!" "I wonder where Grandpa and Aunt Lily are?" "They're gonna miss the whole race." "They've got Roger boxed in." "P.A.:" "That's Worthington, forced into the field by Moresby." "I say, that was rather a shabby trick." "Yes, not a bit like our dear Roger." "I'm beginning to think it was just like your dear Roger." "Next time I steal a horse, it's gonna have handles on it." "You're doing fine, Grandpa." "No one would ever know you've never been on a horse before." "Oh, boy. I'll never make it on foot." "Oh, wait!" "I sure hope these pills aren't mixed up again." "I'd hate to turn into Mr. Clean at a time like this." "[Freddie breathes heavily]" "Freddie, you bore!" "Do stop breathing down my neck." "You'll tarnish my necklace." "I can't help it." "I'm so nervous." "If The Gryphon doesn't get him, I'll break out in dirty great lumps." "By the way, where's my darling Mumsy?" "I don't understand her missing this." "She so enjoys a good killing." "Gracie" "You can tell me." "Mumsy is The Gryphon, isn't she?" "I haven't the slightest." "You mean you don't know who The Gryphon is?" "Of course I don't know!" "And it makes me mad!" "Mad!" "Mad!" "Maaaaad!" "[Frantic barking]" "View halloo!" "That's the largest fox I've ever seen." "Tally-ho!" "Hi, there." "Get out of the race!" "They're trying to get rid of you!" "What?" "They're trying to get rid of you!" "I love you too!" "Bye!" "[Barking in distance]" "Herman!" "[Cow bellows]" "Yippee!" "[Screech of brakes]" "[All bark]" "What's the matter, fellas?" "Haven't you seen a wolf before?" "P.A.:" "And now Lord Munster is making his move." "Oh, boy!" "Pop's gonna win!" "I say." "Roger isn't out of it yet." "Oh, I say!" "Roger's pit men accidentally spilt oil on the track." "P.A.:" "He's fighting the wheel--and there he goes!" "Over the finish line-- backwards!" "[Cheering and applause]" "P.A.:" "In a beautiful display of driving skill," "Lord Munster is the winner!" "The stinker's won." "Now I'll never be Lord Munster." "Never!" "Never, never." "Stop that sniveling, you idiot!" "The Gryphon hasn't finished with him yet." "Pop!" "Look out!" "[Screams and shouts]" "Oh, Roger!" "Where did you come from?" "I thought you were on the track." "It wasn't me." "Someone took my place." "I'm so glad it wasn't you!" "Oh!" "freddie:" "The Gryphon." "GRACE:" "I bet it's Hennesey." "He was always ambitious." "By Jove, I've got it!" "It's Cruikshank." "Whenever Americans make a film about the British, it's always the butler." "That's not our son." "Millie from the pub, The Gryphon?" "That's ridiculous!" "I thought she knew a lot about cars for a barmaid." "I say, chaps." "What's going on?" "What's going on?" "This" "This imposter's been trying to kill you for the entire race." "HERMAN:" "Really?" "And I just put it down to poor sportsmanship." "But why would they want to kill me?" "They're a bad lot, Your Lordship." "Them Munsters want to get the title for Freddie." "Even to do you in, sir." "You mean, when I was forced off the road, he--l mean she..." "And the oil?" "Do me in?" "But..." "Run!" "Hurry!" "How are you supposed to drive?" "Oh, I say!" "What a filthy, rotten trick." "[Hisses]" "Lady Effigie and the butler, sir, they're getting away." "To the airport." "And hurry, my good man." "You mean the police station, don't you, my good woman?" "Dear guys, we are leaving now for home." "It has all been very exciting." "Millie the barmaid... was Cruikshank's daughter." "He taught her how to drive." "And Millie, under the pseudonym of The Gryphon, set up the counterfeit ring." "In return, Aunt Effigie promised she would marry Freddie... and become Lady Munster." "That's why they kept trying to put me in a-- as we say in our business-- in an embalming condition." "[Chuckles]" "Love and kisses, Hermy baby."" "There." "All set." "Where's Marilyn?" "She's in the garden, saying good-bye to Roger." "Good. I've been anxious to meet him face to face." "I think it's wonderful, your family giving this place to the town." "Well, we were all homesick... and Uncle Herman just isn't the type to be a lord." "Well... lt's getting late and I've gotta run." "I'd just like to say that, um... I'll be doing more racing in America than I planned." "Last time we kissed, you started seeing things and we had a fight." "Don't be silly." "Don't say you saw something this time?" "ROGER:" "Well, I, um..." "Er..." "Not a thing." "Not a blessed thing." "lily:" "It's a shame it's such a miserable night." "I'll take care of that." "A little instant rain storm." "Good." "[Hums]" "[Wind whistles]" "Well, you can't win 'em all." "[Honking]" "Hey, wait for me!" "Hurry up, Marilyn!"