"Hey." " Hey." "Help my mom with the bags, huh?" "Hello, Raymond." "Oh, hey hey, let me get that for you there..." "Mom." "Oh, Raymond." "I have to say," "I just love hearing you calling me that." "Yes, Ray, I heard." "Very sweet." "I'm just going to go check on the kids." "Look, Ray." "I bought the doughnut holes you like." "Don't show Debra." "Ah, chocolate!" "Thanks, Mom." " Hello, Marie." " Hi!" "Hey!" "Hi!" "Whoa!" "Didn't hear you." "Gonna tie a bell around your neck." "Hello, Lois." "I didn't mean to interrupt anything." "No, Raymond's just helping me with the groceries." "He is such a nice boy." "Yes, indeed." "You know, Lois, you're here for such a short time." "Let me unpack those groceries." "You go enjoy your grandchildren." "Are you sure, Marie?" "Of course." "Raymond will stay and help me." "Okay." "Great." "Thank you." "So, you and Lois are getting along." "Well, yes." "She's all right, I guess." "You two seem to be very... familiar." "Oh, you mean the "Mom" thing?" "Remember I called her that at Thanksgiving the one time?" "I don't know, I guess she likes it, so throw her a bone." "I think it's wonderful that you're still doing it." " Yeah?" " Of course." "I'm very happy for you." "You have two moms now-- this new one and the one God gave you." "Gotta get that bell." "Well, the children are down, and I think that's gonna do it for me for tonight, too." "Thanks, Mom." "Good night." "Good night, dear." "Good night, Raymond." "Good night..." "to you..." ""Sound Of Music." I love that movie." " What was that?" " What?" "Why didn't you call her "Mom"?" "I don't know." "Why does anybody do anything?" "I mean, you were doing it." "And now you're not doing it anymore?" "I was wondering, do I have to constantly say it?" "I don't call you the same thing every time," "My hot little chuckle monkey." "Yeah, but you know she likes "Mom."" "Look, I'm just-- I'm mixing' it up." "I'm pickin' my spots." "I'm keepin' it fresh." "I know, but I liked it that you two were getting closer." "It was nice." "It felt like a family." "Them's the breaks." "Ray, come on." "Look, it's just-- it makes things kind of confusing around here." "Confusing?" "You call her "Mom," she calls you "Raymond."" "Right, and all of a sudden this place is crawling with moms." "You're a mom, she's a mom..." "There's that one over there." "Wait a minute." "Did your mom tell you not to call my mom "Mom"?" "No, she didn't." "But she caught me saying it today, and... an icy wind through this room did blow." "What do you mean she caught you?" "Have you been hiding it from her?" "No." "I'm just trying to make sure everyone in this family is emotionally... groovy." "So you're just gonna cave in to your mother again." "Please?" "Okay, Ray, fine." "I just thought it was really nice for my mom, and for you, too." "Things between you two seemed to be so healthy." "Your relationship's really starting to blossom." "You want to ruin a good thing?" "Fine." "It won't be the first time." "Oh, come on." "It's not like you call my mom "Mom."" "Yeah." "No, wait, wait." "What are you scoffing at that for?" "Why don't you call my mom "Mom"?" "What, are you kidding me?" "Oh, yeah." "See, huh?" "Yeah, it's easy to use the glue when you don't have to kill the horse yourself." "What?" "No no, I'm staying with that." "That makes sense." "Yeah, Ray, I think things between your mom and me are a little bit different." "Oh, yeah, really?" "How so?" "Look, I see her every day." "We're together all the time." "That's all the more reason why you should call her "Mom."" "Things could be much more healthier between you two." "That's right." "Your relationship could really start to blossom." "Ah, nothingtosaytoday?" "For you." "Hey, guys." "Hey, Deb." "What's going on?" "Nothing." "Eating zeppolis." "Oh!" "Is Marie around?" "I wanted to borrow her big spoon." "Oh, is that it?" "Oh, yeah, thanks." "You okay?" "Uh, yeah." "Yeah, I thought maybe I'd also say hi to Marie." "Why would you want to do something like that?" "No reason." "Just checking in." "Let me get her for you." "Marie!" "She will be with you presently." "You know what?" "Actually, it's not important." "Maybe I'll come back later." "Thanks." "What is it, Frank?" "You need to be burped?" "Here you go, Deb." "Thank you, Frank." "What is it, Debra?" "Oh, nothing." "So, how are you, Ma... rie?" "I'm fine, dear, thank you." "How are you?" "Oh, good." "Just, uh, thought I'd say hello and check in." "Oh, how nice." "So... hello." "Well, hello to you, too." "Scintillating." "Oh oh, and I was also gonna borrow your big spoon if that's okay." "I wanted to make goulash." "Oh, you're gonna try that again?" "Well, that's good, honey." "Get right back on that horse." "Okay." "Thanks." "So, listen" "Oh, I almost forgot." "I picked up a book for you." ""'A' is for Apron:" "A Beginner's Cook Book."" "I saw that in the bookstore and I thought of you." "Isn't that cute?" "Yeah, that's just, uh, so typically thoughtful." "I'm gonna go away now." "Are you all right?" "Just a little headache." "It comes and goes." "Really coming on now." "Wait wait." "Sit down." "Let me get you some aspirin." "I have three different kinds." "Sometimes I get those headaches when I come over, too, Deb." "Which kind is it-- dull, pounding, or axe to the back of the skull?" "Here you go, dear." "Okay, here." "Here here." "Oh, I hope you feel better." "Thanks..." "Mom." "So sorry." "What was that?" "I said..." ""Thanks, Mom."" "Oh, you don't have to do that, dear." "No, l-- I want to." "That's all right." "My name's not Judy!" "What's going on?" "What happened?" "She rejected me." "What are you talking about?" "Your mother." "I went over there and I called her "Mom,"" "and she turned me down." "Really?" "I told her that I wanted to call her "Mom,"" "and she just went, "That's all right."" "Huh." "Why did you make me do that?" "!" "I didn't-- I didn't make you do it!" "I was just trying to win an argument." "I didn't think you would actually try it." "I cannot believe her!" "She's unbelievable!" "Your mother is unbelievable!" "I believe you!" "Hey, Deb." "Oh, good." "You guys were there." "Was that the most humiliating thing you have ever seen?" "Brutal, Raymond." "I felt bad for you, sweetheart." "Had trouble finishing my lunch." "What happened?" "After she said no, what did you do?" "Just sat there like an idiot." "Us, too." "Marie just went about her business as if nothing had happened." "I know how you feel, Deb." "That's just how she is." "Only certain people are allowed in the pantheon of affection-- the Pope, Frank Sinatra," "Placido Domingo, and Raymond." "You just gotta let it go." "You gotta let it go!" "Yeah." "Like he did." "I know what." "Maybe I'll start calling her "Marie."" "Bet she wouldn't even notice." ""Hello, Marie."" ""Hello, Robbie." "Have you seen Placido Domingo?" "Or Raymond?"" "Hey, I tell you what." "If it'll make you feel better, you can call me "Dad."" "Thanks." "How about "Big Daddy"?" "I saw that in a movie once." "Why'd you want to call her "Mom" anyway?" "I just thought it would be nice." "Ray is calling my mom "Mom."" "But the difference is my mom is good and sweet and kind." "Your mother, on the other hand, is" "Need some help?" "Well, listen." "Look, you tried." "You're off the hook now." "You didn't really want to call her "Mom" anyway." "That's before I knew she didn't want me to." "It's just-- I don't know" "Why did she do that to me?" "Why doesn't she want me to call her "Mom"?" "We've had our differences over the years, but I thought we were closer than this." "Maybe she doesn't think I'm good enough." "I remember the year I took opera lessons." "Come on, Deb, huh?" "Don't feel sad." "Thanks for telling me how to feel, Ray." "I've got a headache." "I'm gonna go lie down." "What should I do?" "Should I go up there?" "What would you say to her?" "I don't know." "What do you think?" "That you should never go up there." "Should I talk to Mom?" "What are you gonna say to her?" "Listen to me." "This is about feelings." "You know anything about feelings?" "Of course you don't." "None of us do." "So just sit down, shut up," "Ioosen your pants." "What more can we do?" "I've got leftovers." "Hello, dear." "I've got the extra zeppolis." "If I leave them at our house, you father will just eat them till he explodes." "So I guess you talked to Debra." " Yeah." "How's her headache?" " Not good, Ma." "Why did you tell her she can't call you "Mom"?" "She's upset." "She is?" "Of course!" "You couldn't see that?" "Even Robert and Dad could tell that." "Guys, couldn't you" "Are you telling me that Debra really wants to call me "Mom"?" " Yes yes, she does." " She's just doing that because she wants you to call Lois "Mom."" "No!" "No no no!" "I said four "no's." It deserves even more." "Well, then, why, all of a sudden, after 12 years, am I suddenly "Mom"?" "Maybe Debra's the kind of person that takes a while to warm up." "That's all." "Huh?" "She just started calling me "honey" like two weeks ago." "Look, just let her call you "Mom."" "What's the big deal?" "Because it wasn't a real request." "It wasn't genuine." "And you know me, Raymond." "I'm nothing if I'm not genuine." "Yeah, I know." "We all know what a genuine..." "person you are." "All right, look, you were right, okay?" "Debra did go over there because she likes when I call her mother "Mom,"" "and I told her she had to call you "Mom" because" "I don't know." "I just like to bother her." "But, you know, she did something nice, Ma." "And when you turned her down, you hurt her feelings." "How could I hurt her feelings if they're not real?" "Look, I'm not pretending to understand any of this." "But think about it." "If her feelings got hurt, doesn't that mean they were real?" "I read somewhere that's like the test for feelings." "Remember the Tin Man guy?" ""l know I got a heart because it's broken."" "And then everybody said, "Aw, poor Tin Man guy."" " Hello." "I'm just gonna go get a drink..." " Oh, Debra-- and then I'll be out of your way." "No, Debra, wait." "Wait, honey." "Debra, I'm sorry." "I should have let you call me "Mom."" "If that's what you want to do, you should do it, 'cause I want you to." "That's all right." "No no, it's-- no." "No, it's not all right." "Raymond told me you only came over because he made you." "No, that's not what I said." "Right, he said he did it because he likes to bother you." "I had no idea how much I meant to you that you could possibly be hurt by what I said." "Oh." "That's not what I want." "I want you to think of yourself as my daughter, because that's how I think of you." "Oh, Marie." "Oh, Debra." "Oh." "So, you'll call me "Mom"?" "I guess I will." "Oh, that's wonderful." "Do it." "Mom." "Oh, that's so nice!" "It is nice." "Would you like some iced tea?" "Would I like some iced tea..." "Mom?" "I would love some." " See?" "Now it's blossoming." " Yeah." "Wait a minute." "What does this mean for me?" "What am I supposed to call Debra's mom?" "What do you think?" "Well, she's not here that often-- every other Christmas, Thanksgiving, a birthday here and there." "All right, you can call her "Mom."" "Thanks, Mom." "That's such a pleasant change from the way boys say it." "Don't tell Robbie, but I always wanted him to be a girl." "I might have to tell him that." "Hello, everybody." "Hi..." "Mom." "Hello, Raymond." "So how was the park?" "Oh, it was fun..." "for the children." "I'm going to go freshen up." "I ought to get back to the house, too." "Bye, Mom." " Bye, dear." " Bye, dear." "I think she was talking to me." "Yeah." "I'm going to start calling Marie "Mom."" "Isn't that nice?" "Oh?" "That is nice." "You know, like you and Raymond." "Mmm-hmm." "What's wrong?" "Is something the matter?" "No no no no, nothing." "It just sounded a little strange hearing you call her "Mom" because I'm your mom." "Well..." "well, I'm Raymond's mom, and I don't have a problem with this." "I'm sorry." "I can't explain it, but just hearing Debra saying that, it just feels wrong." "Well, pardon me for saying it, but isn't that a little hypocritical?" "I mean, here I am, ready to embrace this." "I know, and pardon me for saying this, but maybe in this case it really isn't up to you." "I mean, well, heaven forbid you don't get your way for once." "May I just ask, what the hell is that supposed to mean?" "I'm just going by what I see around here." "At least I'm always here, not like some mothers." "Well, some mothers might say that you're here a little too much." "Oh, really?" "Well, maybe I should be off living some swinging single's life that's inappropriate for my age." "Swinging?" "That's right, party girl." "Okay, all right, all right, that's enough." "That's enough." "You know, I think it might be best for all concerned if we just go back to the way it was-- no more "Mom" calling." "Maybe that's a good idea." "All right." "It's fine with me, but if it's hard for other" "Okay!" "Is it okay?" "'Cause I'm coming out now." "I think we're fine." "Okay." "Well, if I'm not supposed to call you "Mom,"" "then what should I call you?" "Whatever you're comfortable with." "All right,then... you." "Everything's fine now." "Here you go, Robbie." "Thanks..." "Marie." "Ow!" "Mom."