"Previously on The L Word" "Back to school night." "I'm Paige Sobel." "I'm here for my little brother, Shay." "So, you're my competition, Vanilla?" "I'll still kick your minor ass." "Since you don't have any insurance, we'll be billing you for the charges directly." "How am I gonna come up with that money?" "I'm desperate to find a caterer for our next week fundraiser." " Helena is a caterer." " I am?" " Are you free friday, Helena?" " Yeah." "I cannot believe you fucked my boss." "I'm not gonna let this get out of hand." "May I introduce you to our estimed artist in residence, Jodi Lerner." "This is her assistant, Tom Mater." "If you wanna say something, talk to me, not Tom." "I only choose books to review that hold significance to me." "Why does "Some of Her Parts" hold significance to you?" "My partner's a survivor." ""...self indulgent and self pitying"?" "Fuck you, Stacey Merkin!" "Is this Sounder?" "I'll take her." "How long have you had her, Debbie?" "About 11 eleven years, My longuest relationship." "That's my girlfriend, Stacey." "She's a journalist." "I'd love to get lessons from you." " I'm probably pretty rusty." " I'm not." "I've been living as a man, and soon I'm physically gonna be one as well." "I don't date freaks." "You fucking freak!" "Hello Angus." " Hey." " Hi sweet heart." "She's in a really crappy mood." "Yes, come here gorgeous." "You want to see Mickey?" "Let's go play with Mickey." "Yes, come." "Hey Angelica, do you wanna come play?" "Go get him tiger." "Here you go." "Do you wanna coloring?" "Is Tina not here?" "Tina and Henry decided at the last minute they're going to the theater." "We got some pizza in here." "Do you want to join us?" "Oh, no." "I gotta get home." "I had a really sucky day." "What was sucky of it?" "Oh, it's just crap, it's just... fighting with my former best friends about who wants to publishing the songs" "I totally wrote but generously gave them, credit on." "That kind of suck." "I'm sorry that was making you crabby." "I uh... was still hoping you to give me a lesson playing guitar." "But uh..." "Yeah, you come by the studio some time I'll give you some points on the technic." "I might take up on that." "And when we're finished, I'll show you how to clean up." "Hello Tom." "Dean." "Hey Dean Porter." "Glad to see Tom is getting to know some of the students." "What about you?" "Are you still sleeping with Nadia?" "Excuse me?" "She said, "are you still fucking Nadia"." "Thank you, I got the gist of it." "I don't know what you're talking about." "Just a friendly question out of curiosity." "Maybe a little concern." "I mean, Nadia's not a poker face, you know." "Well, don't believe everything you hear." "Well, I see a lot more than I hear." "I'm sorry." "I didn't..." "I fell into that one." "I made a few mistakes when I taught at Columbia." "But, you know, following the rules is not always my thing." "Um, excuse me?" "Brittany girl was a big, big mistake." "Brittany." "I see." "She was a Columbia graduate student, and I made a mistake with her." "She turned her senior thesis into a life-size sculpture of me, naked." "It was pretty good." "But she should have made my breasts bigger." "Well, I'm glad to hear there were no more serious repercutions and" "I'll try to be more careful than you." "Ooh, don't be too careful, that's dreary." "Thank you for the advice." "I'll see you tomorrow." "Yeah, AVC's money munch." "You know, fundraiser at the Chancelor residence." "Right." "Poor Sounder." "Debbie, I did everything I could for her, but she's, she's naughty anxious, has kidney failure and she's in a lot of pain." "This is the right thing to do." "Are you sure?" "I'm sure." "Are you sure she has to die?" "It's her time to go, Debbie." "That's a girl." "Here you go." "You gave her a wonderful life, Debbie." " No, I didn't." " Yes, you did." "No, I didn't." "Hey, listen, why don't you uh..." "Would you let me take you out to dinner." "We'll, we'll celebrate Sounder, have a drink in her honor, huh?" "Okay." "Hit all dead golfers before easter." "That's how I remember." "That's funny, and gross." "Yeah." "Okay, so you got the A and the E and the D cords down so now you just gotta work on your stream." "That's the one thing I cannot seem to master." "Yeah, well, it's uh, you just wanna, you want to keep your wrist sort of loose." "And relax, and uh, you just, you wanna keep this up and down movement on no matter what." "I don't usually have a problem keeping my up and down movement." "So, yeah, you keep the wrist loose and up and down and then you just strength the strings with the rythm you want." " "Paralyzed" by Betty Wright " " It's good, Kit." " Yeah?" "Really?" "I haven't played it for Angus yet." "He's been so down on himself lately." "It's good." "Could cheer him up." "I'm hoping." " Can I listen?" " Oh, no, no, no." "It's a little too nasty for you now." "No." "No." "Stop this too, it's not good for you." "What's up, beautiful?" "Hola Papi." " Yo, Vanilla." " Yo, Pops." "We never finished our game." "Oh yeah, I know." "I'm not much of a basketball player." "No shit?" "But we've got to do something 'cause this little problema is unresolved." "Look, I've got to tell you, I..." "I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about." "Oh, really?" "Alright, so let me break this down for you, okay?" "Now that you're in my solar system, I can't have you dimming my stars and shit." "You must be kidding!" "Yeah, seriously, that's Alice's thing." "That's not me." "Fuck, man, I'm just fuckin' wit you." "Like the foxy lady said, I'm just kidding." "We're good then?" " Sure." " Come on, are we good?" "Yeah." " "T Ain't Nobody's Bizness if I Do" by Mary Stallings " "I couldn't believe that guy." "I thought he'd never stop hitting on us." "Oh, that's typical of the guy, sees two women together, thinks he's so needed." "I just wanna check out..." "He's so totally wrong 'cause we have everything anyone did ever want." "Just being together." "I just, I just wanna check on Helena really quick." " No..." " Come on, she's been cooking all day and I haven't seen her." "Hey!" "Well, it smells really good in here." "Well there's five kinds of crotinis, 3 per person, already for..." "How does that sound?" "Oh it seems very good." "I'm sure it'll be wonderful." "We have quiches with leek, bacon and quarter... of..." "We have belgian endives with..." "We have chicken satay with tamarin sauce." "And it's all gonna be ready for your party tomorrow evening despite the fact that my assistant hasn't been in capacity to buy..." "Do you need, do you need help?" "No, no, it's okay, I've put all under control." "Really?" "'Cause I'm a good chopper." "I can chop." "No, you know what?" "She can handle it." "Come on honey." " Really?" " Come on!" "Have fun girls." "Wooo!" "Cool your jets, there, Phyllis." "Don't you wanna take a shower or something?" "Why?" "Do I need one?" " No." " Oh, I have a surprise for you." "Good..." "What, what, what..." "Do you slide little dog?" "How did you get that in here?" "What is it?" "Well, doesn't sound like a diamond necklace." "It's very disappointing." "Is it a motor cycle?" "Wow!" ""The Whole Lesbians Sex Book"" "Is it a faux pas?" "No, no." "I was thinking we were having such a wonderful time and, just to try to keep everything just fresh and exciting, maybe we could experiment." "Right, right, right, right." "Like, uh..." "Let's see." "Oh!" "Anilingus!" "Yeah?" " Sure." " Yeah." "You know what, I'm sorry." "Yes!" "Yes, let's experiment!" "Come on, Phyllis." "I wanna do everything else that's described in that book." "Everything single thing." "Everything, every single thing?" "You know, you're gonna wear me out, woman." "I swear to God." "I'm gonna need like a little pinch hitter, right?" "No, you're the only one I need." "Really?" "I mean, you don't limit yourself, you know what I mean, there's like a lot of really fabulous women out there, Phillys." "What woud I need another fabulous woman?" "Because you should, you know." "You're a new star." "You're gonna be very sick of staying in this tiny little orbit." "Oh, you and your charts and your solar systems." "Alice, you and I are binary stars." "Right." "Orbiting a central system of mass." " Bound by gravity." " Okay." "Wild Phyllis!" "Oh, do it again." "Do it again." "The thing, that I was closest to in the world that you just want as a child was this little creature, named Bootsie, who was the most trustworthy soul that I knew when I was a child." "I know what you mean, Debbie." "That's why I became a vet." "Why?" "Why?" "You don't trust people?" "Well, I didn't, not for a long time after I..." " "Bring It Back" by Alyssa Pridham " "After what?" "Did something happen to you?" "I'd rather not talk about it." "I don't think it's really fair to force people to express sympathy for something bad that's happened to you in your childhood." "Oh please, I'm so sorry." "But you know what?" "Own the shit that happens to you as a child, 'cause it can make you better as an adult." "Yeah, but I can't 'cause then maybe I'd feel vulnerable." "You know, like..." "You know." " You're kinda sexy." " Oh god." "God, and you have nice tits, and you're sweating under your arms and you're nervous and I wanna kiss you." "And I feel like kissing you." "But I can't." "Why?" "Because I have a girlfriend." "Although we're kinda having problems right now." " Oh, I'm so sorry." " Yeah, I bet you are." "Why are you having problems?" "I don't know." "It's just that she's working a lot and..." "Stacey's a journalist, you know, and when she's writing, she's..." " She's a writer?" " Yeah." "What?" "She just, she gets totally focused on her work and then she's, like, obsessive and self-absorbed." "Oh, my God, I just have this image in my mind of her." "And she just becomes this fuckin cunt and just turns out page after page of utter shit that she thinks is worth all the ego and maniacal behavior." "She is a good person and she is smart, and she is funny, and she's just a little insecured." "That's all." "Where does she live?" " Van Nuys?" " She lives in Berbank." "We have an arrangement, right?" "Like she's supposed to come up every other week end, we're supposed to go down every other week end." "It hardly ever happened." "She hasn't been here for over a month." " I go down to LA all the time." " That's bullshit." "You should be with somebody who puts you first and who treats you like a princess." "She's... she's driven and she's talented and" "I feel honored to support that." "I do." "You seem like you love her." "I love her and..." "Yeah, sometimes it feels like I'm the last thing on her list." "Yeah." "Right." "She's coming up tomorrow." " We'll see how it goes." " Good." "It's very good." "Make her come up here more." "Make her work for you." "Can we talk about something else, please?" "Okay." "Like what are you doing this week end?" "Well," "I've been terribly distraught about the dog being put down, so I'm rather behind on my schoolwork." "Schoolwork?" "What are you studying?" "Seriously?" "The gentle manatees of northeast Florida." "What?" "!" "Really..." "I love it that you're studying manatees." "I mean, raising a kid is a career." "Come on." "I..." "Okay, it's not like..." "But it's not." "I mean, it's a different..." " I don't mean it that way." " Yes, it is." "She will go weird." "I didn't mean to insult her." " But I don't..." " But you did!" "Oh, god!" "Sorry." "I just don't think it's good to be totally dependant on another person." "Well, how?" "Like when Bette supported you?" "I took time off to have a baby!" "That's just crazy." "She just..." " Fuck!" " Oh my god!" "I want another lesson." "She is so fired." "Hey." " Hi." " What you getting?" "Just this comics." " Cool." " Hey!" "Hey." "He has a playdate with his friend." "Nice!" "That's probably the last word on earth I ever expected to be uttered from your lips." "Well, the playdate goes well, we might try first sleepover." " Nice." " Yeah." "What do you got?" "Just these two." " Uh, just choose one." " Two." "One for me, and one for Jared." "Please." "Hey, did you hear that Jenny has an article on The New Yorker?" "Yeah, I heard about that." " I think it's pretty cool." " "Lez Girls", by Jennifer Schecter." "Isn't she clever." "Nice play on words." ""Lez Girls", Jenny, very cute." "Buy it." "Tell me what you think." "I don't already have it." "Yeah, come in." "Oh, hey." "How was Tokyo?" "I spoke to Brooke." "She told me she ended with you." "Max, I'm very troubled." "I don't know what she said to you," "I don't know how she explained it, but I, I had to be honest, you know?" "You know, my daughter goes through guys the way she goes through clothes." "One day, she can't live without him, and a week later he's the worst crime in fashion unless we have a proper trader." "I'm starting to lose hope for her." "I guess that's just women, huh?" "Max, you know, I don't want you to think for a minute that's gonna have any bearing on your job." "You understand what I'm saying." "Yeah." "I'm gonna let you go back to work." "Okay." " Gross, mum!" " Oh please." "Hey." "Hi Shay." " Jared is in his..." " Shay, come here!" "I'm in the" "Otherwise known as his bedroom." "Come on in." "No, I should probably get to work, to be honest." "Just for a cup of coffee." "Okay." " Yeah." " Sure." "Thanks for meeting me." "I wanted to see you in person." "Sure." "It's about Kit." "I'm pretty sure that Angus is cheating on her." "What are you talking about?" "I don't believe that for a second." "He's completely devoted to her." "I saw him." "What did you see?" "What?" "Where?" "With Hazel." "The nanny..." "Henry and I were coming home" " and they were..." " I knew it." "I knew that you were gonna move in with him." "I did." "I didn't move in with him." "Okay." "Come on, I stay the night sometimes." "Okay." "Anyway, we were coming back from the theater and as we drove up there they were, just making out." "They were completely" " all..." " What can I get you?" "Are you guys ready to order?" "I'll have a" " Cobb salad." " Cobb salad." "For both of you?" "Yes, please." "That will be it?" " Yeah." " Yeah, just..." "And did they see you?" "No." "We were so freaked out that we hit from them." "But they were all over each other." "Like grinding and sucking and fucking..." "They might as well be fucking right there in front of us." "I don't, I don't need the details." "What do we gonna do about it?" "What do you mean, what do we gonna do about it?" "We're gonna stay out of it, Tina." "Well..." "I just don't think that's fair to Kit." "I don't know if I can do that." "What do you mean you don't know if you can do that." "What business is it of yours?" "I care about Kit." "None of us wants to see her get hurt." "Well then don't tell her you saw the man that she loves sucking your nanny's face." "Well, she's gonna find out, eventually." "And I can tell you from experience it's much more painful seeing it with your own eyes." "Give me a fucking break." "I mean, don't act like you're the only person who's ever been hurt." "And I don't want you talking to Kit." "Okay." "Fine." "That's fine." "I'm gonna tell her if you don't." "I don't know what I'm gonna do." "Alright?" "I don't know what I'm gonna do." "I need some time to think about it." "But in the meantime, keep your mouth shut." "Please?" "Thank you." " "Blues By Five" by Miles Davis " "Oh my fucking god!" "Have you read this?" "Alice!" "Jenny trashed us all over The New Yorker." " We're all over this thing." " What do you mean she trashed us?" ""Lez Girls", new fiction, part one of a serial lives novella by author of "Some of Her Parts"," "Nice one, Jenny." ""Elyse clung to the bisexual label"" ""not out of any genuine affection for men,"" ""she clung to it out of sheer fashion desperation"" "Oh and this is priceless." ""Elyse was ground zero of a rumor and hearsay"" ""and it was hard to imagine she had any time for actual romance"" ""straight or bisexual or otherwise"" ""'cause she spends so much time"" ""obssessing over other people's sexual comings and goings"" "What?" "Do you think that sounds like you?" "Elyse, the bisexual gossip?" "Yeah." "Alice!" "No, no, you can't do that." "And Alice, it doesn't even sound like you." "I mean, it's fiction." "Fiction my ass!" "It's about an innocent but open-hearted photographer from the Midwest, Jessie Star, who moved to Los Angeles to be with her boyfriend and is seduced by Karina, you know, the proprietress of an italian café." "Karina?" " Is that supposed to be...?" " Marina, yeah." ""Jessie and Tod move next door to a lesbian couple, Bev and Nina"" "Wow, that's a little close to the bone." "It's more like sucking on the marrow." "Bev is a power dyke in a publishing world and Nina is just decribed so mean," ""a bi-curious straight girl,"" ""a girl who would waste eight years of someone else's life"" ""trying out an identity that was never going to fit her"" " That's mean." "That's really harsh." " I know." "You told me." " This is so fucking good." "Where did you..." " Don't eat them anymore." " You're not allowed anymore." " I'm hungry." "Your girlfriend's gonna tell me off if you eat all my food." "Oh, you know what, she's not my girlfriend." "No, I mean it." "You're doing great under really intense circumstances." "He broke his arms." "Poor thing." "Do you have a medical insurance?" "Uh, no I don't." "Ooh, you really have taking on a lot." "How are you managing?" "Well, I, I took another job to help pay for his arm and everything that comes with it." "That's a bitch." "My heart goes out to you." "But uh, we do what we have to do, right?" "I bartend at the Beauty Bar, on Cahuenga." "Isn't that the place with the hair salon chairs?" "Yep." "You want cream, sugar, in your coffee?" "Just a little cream." "It's fine." "Yeah, yeah, the money's great, so I work here a few nights a week and" "when Jared's at school, I do telemarketing from home." "So the rest of free time we spend it together." "We do what we have to do, right?" "Well, some of us do, and some of us don't take any responsibility at all." "Like Jared's father." " I'm sorry to hear that." " I'm over it." "I'd be happy to never fucking another man in my life." "The cream went off." "It's okay." "I'm just sorry for Jared." "That's all." "He, he wishes he has a dad." "Well, he's got a pretty incredible mom." "Uh, but..." "I'm guessing you must have been, what, 16 when you had him?" "18." "But sometimes I feel like I'm a million years old." "And before you know it, I will be too old and wretched to" " pick up the pieces." " Oh, please, you're beautiful." "I don't think you have to worry about that." "Are you hitting on me?" "I wasn't, um... but I'm sorry to make you uncomfortable if you think I was." "No, no, I'm sorry." "I was hoping you were." "Mom, can I go to the Beverly Center now?" "I wanna show Shay the bionicals before the movie." "Yeah, I should get to work too." "Yeah." "Why don't you two go back to the part you put your shoes on and then we'll go." "Really in timing." "Yeah." "Well, uh, thank you for the coffee." "I hope we can do it again." "Me too." "Thank you for watching Shay as well." "It's my pleasure." "I'll talk to you later." "Oh, that looks wonderful." "Thank you." "So I called the delivery people." "They'll be here in about half an hour." "Oh, thank you honey." "Go sit by the fire." "You've getting under foot." "Paroles of being executive vice chancelor." "She certainly manages to squeeze a lot in." "You know what?" "Up at Stanford, she shared at least 15 committees she pretty much single handledly resurrected the School Engineering." "It's my department." "Oh no, no." "You can't have them." "They haven't been cooked yet." "Well, uh, let me know if I can help or anything, alright?" "I wish you were coming tonight." "Leonard's just irritating hell outta me." "I don't know why I asked him to come down for this." "It was such a beautiful time last night." "And this morning." "I miss you." "I love you." "Call me later." "No, don't call me." "I'll call you." " Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, what?" "!" " Hello, hello." " Nice outfit." " I like yours." "Those are Chris Lay." " Chris Lay." " And the hat's cute too." " Thanks." " Hey, Jen, we're going to Here, do you wanna come?" "I'll just finish my diner and then go get change." " Yes." " If she's going, I'm not going." " Uh?" " What?" "!" "What are you talking about?" " Jenny, you know what I'm talking about." " What are you talking about, Alice?" "No, just call me Elyse, the bisexual fashion victim." "I'm sorry, is my hat too much?" "A little." " What?" " What are you talking about?" "Jenny wrote a story." "It was published in The New Yorker." "We're all very, very excited for you, Jenny." " No, no, no, I heard about it..." " But we're in it." "We're in it." "Thank you, Alice, for being so gracious about my accomplishment of being published in The New Yorker." "But, Alice, if you actually read beyond the cover..." " Oh, I read it." " You did?" " Yeah." " It's in the New Yorker fiction issue, therefore you'd see that it was actually a work of fiction." "Oh, that's bullshit." "I take it you haven't read this "story"?" "Clearly not, no." "You read it." "Tell her." "Yeah, I read it." "I mean, she claims that it's not you." "It's not." "I draw from my own life, and I use my friends and my own experiences as inspiration, but at the end of the day, it's fiction." "Right." "Right." "Yeah, there's this character named Shaun, Shane, and, um she's a make-up artist?" "Right?" "Correct?" "Yeah, and she sleeps with a lot of girls." " That's not bad." " Hey, Alice." "You know, there's this crazy, weird thing that happens when you write." " As a writer..." " Wait, is this a lesson?" " Yeah!" " In writing?" "!" " Yeah!" " From Jenny Schecter?" "!" " Oh, fahhkk, let me grab a pen!" " Get a pad too!" "So this thing that happens when you write is you draw from your own life, and then in turn, you take those experiences and you use something called imagination, Alice." " Oh imagination!" " Yeah." "God, so that's the thing you were lacking when you could barely change our names, huh?" "Just a second." "You guys..." "Do you..." "Do you hear that?" "Oh, my God, it's Monet." "Monet has come back from the dead and he wants me to give you a message." "He says, "I am so sorry for sitting in front of my pond in France and sketching those water lilies and using the water lilies as actual inspiration." "Sorry to offend, Alice." "Oh, wait, he's talking to me!" "So weird." "Huh?" "Ok, I'll tell her." "He said don't ever fucking compare yourself to him." " "Runaway" by Lazy " "I was saying." "I'm not sure where I'm putting the slcupture yet." "I did move my hamac in, though." "At some point I like to sleep and work in the same place." "So, I like to be intimate with my objects." "And the objects being all this junk you're holding." "That can sound rude." "His tone uh..." "No, no, no, I got his tone." "It's okay." "She got my tone!" "Don't worry about it." "It's here someone I really have to meet." "Nice to meet you." "Well, it was nice to meet you, Don." "It's Tom." "And I'm not deaf." "Right." " And..." " Jodi." " Jodi!" " And I'm deaf." "Yes, of course." "I mean, well, you..." "I'm gonna see my friends." " Bye, bye." " Okay." "Hello Christine." "Dean Porter." "Hello." "My my, you clean up nice." "Thanks." "I can't say the same for you." "Tom, so nice to see you." "Thank you." "Did you just insult me?" "No." "You're just always so very clean." "I can't even imagine you being dirty at all." "I've been plenty dirty." "I have a hard time picturing that." "Sorry, I just..." "I don't know, maybe..." "a fetching little smudge right about..." "Dirtier." "You know, I don't envy you." "Trying to raise money from creeps like those guys." "It's not so bad." "Really?" "Actually it's a fucking nightmare." " Oh god!" " Exactly!" "Did you get that?" " They're dicks." " Yeah, I did." "I got that." "Let's get stoned." "So we can laugh at them." " I can't do that." " Oh, come on!" "I can't." "But thank you for the invitation." "Break some rules, Bette." " Deliberate you." " I can't." "Come on." "Come on, Dean." "Bring it!" "All I'm saying is that you've done it yourself in your like fucking radio show." "That is so different!" "Why are you yelling?" "Don't yell!" " I'm tired of that." " It's different." "I just wanna make another point." "I just wanna make the point that you are somehow saying that I don't have one creative bone in my body" " and that's bullshit." " Okay, whatever." " Whatever!" " Whatever what?" "!" " Whatever, Jenny." " Don't whatever me." "No, you were the one that brought that up." "Do you know who makes this hat, by the way?" " No." " Do you know?" " No." " You don't know?" " I will guess..." " You don't know who makes this hat." "I would guess the lead singer of the Village People." "Ladies!" " "You Ain't Gotta Lie" by De La Cruz " "This is my girl, Tasha." "Tasha, meet Alice, Jenny, and" "Vanilla." "I'm Shane." "Vanilla, 'cause she's like me, except in another flavor." "Right." " Do you guys wanna have a drink with us?" " Yeah, what can I get you?" "I don't care." " Hey, Tasha, what do you want?" " I can buy my own drink." "Fuck that, man!" "This is your welcome back into the world." "It's been a while since Tasha's been in a club, so..." "Shut up, Papi." "Shut up." "Yo, Papi, I'm gonna smoke, alright?" "Yo, hold on a second." "'Cause then I'll come with you." "No, I'm cool." "Is she okay?" "She seems mad or something." "Uh, you know, she's cool." "There's somebody coming." "You're not even stoned." "You're getting paranoid." "Relax." "Come on, Dean." "Alright." "None of that Clintonian shit now." "Inhale." "Jeez!" "She knows what she's doing." " "Heavy" by Jennifer Johns " "Hey." " How are you?" " I'm good." " How are you?" " I saw you watching me." "Yes, I was." "My name's Ruby." " Ruby?" " Yes." " Shane." " Nice to meet you, Shane." " Nice to meet you, Ruby." " You're very delicious." " Do you have a girlfriend?" " No." " No?" " No." "Neither do I." " Hey, Shane." " Papi!" " Oh, hi!" " Hi!" " How are you?" " Good." "What's your name?" " My name is Ruby." " Ruby, I'm Papi." "It's nice to meet you." " It's nice to meet you, Papi." " Ruby, that's a beautiful name." "My cousin Sand has a little girl named Ruby." "I'm he godmother, yeah." "I love that girl more than anything." "That's really great." "My brother's... actually, just had a baby." " Really?" " She's so incredible." "Yeah." "Actually, I cried the first time I held her." " No!" "Oh you must have been so beautiful." " It was amazing." "You must have been like Madonna with a child." " Madonna with a child..." " Yeah, yeah." "Merry Christmas, Papi." " Thank you, Shane." " And that hat," " that's a cute hat." " Yeah, right?" " That was nice to meet you." " That was nice to meeting you." " Bye, bye." " Bye." "Oh, I'm sorry, did I..." " I didn't mean to like..." " You didn't mean to..." " Did you have, uh..." " No," " did I have...?" " Are you sure?" " I'm sure." " I didn't mean to..." " Do you wanna dance?" "Alright, go ahead." " Yes, okay." " "Everything Is In Your Hand" by Tigarah " " Shit!" " What's up, honey?" "It's Jenny Schecter the fucking lunatic whose book I reviewed." "Who?" "Stacey Merkin is here." " Who's that?" " The vagina wig?" "!" "Yeah, she's here, okay." "Just look casual, just look like nothing's happening, 'cause she's..." "Oh my god!" "That's," "I think that's Debbie." "Who's Debbie?" "Debbie, she's just uh..." "Well, her dog is my patient." "I had to put her dog down." "Oh my god!" "What is she doing here?" "She was in Santa Barbara." "She's with the red mom-teeshirt." " What she's doing now?" " Yeah, yeah, yeah." " She's coming here." " Baby, I just can't say hi." "I just want to introduce you." "Oh my god, you've gotta distract them 'cause I don't want them coming over to me." " Can you kiss me?" " No!" " Please, kiss me." " I don't kiss girls who wear doilies." "I beg you." "I will buy you Starbucks for a week." "Please." "I beg you." "Yes, yes, yes." " Please." " Okay." "Okay, go." "Ready?" "1, 2, 3." "Come on." "I don't want Shecter to see me." " Alright?" " Yeah." "That'd be fantastic." "I'd love to be there." "But, mommy, she's taking Wilson and Jiang Ying to the villa in Toscane." " Nice." " They're having a fantastic time." "Phyllis, excellent party." "Did you know that Helena's mother and I are old friends?" "Isn't she doing a great job?" "What did she mean." "What are you doing?" "It's nothing, it's just something I do on the side sometimes." "It's catering." "I mean, anyway, I'd be there." "I'm too busy at the moment." "Every..." "I think you might wanna come into the kitchen." "Just give me a minute, would you?" "Anyway..." "I really think you should come to the kitchen." "Fuck!" "Fuck!" "What's the fuck!" "Why didn't you tell me earlier!" "What the fuck!" "What am I gonna do!" "It's all ruined!" "Why didn't you come and tell me earlier about this!" "There's glass on everything!" "People can't it this!" "Jeez!" " "Tick Tock" by Mz." "Fontaine " " Hey." " Hey." "Can I sit here?" "Alright." "So, how long have you known Papi?" "Five years." "Five years?" "Wow." "How'd you meet her?" "Hangin' out." "You like hangin' out?" "It's alright." "What do you do when you're hanging out?" "I don't know, play basketball, I guess." "Well, see, there is the catch." "Tasha, I think you're lying." "'Cause I've been playing a game with Papi and you weren't there." "So..." "I was out of town." "And I guess I like workin' on my ride." "I got a Triumph Scrambler." "Get the fuck out of town!" "You've got a motor cycle?" "Fuck!" "That's cool!" "That's so cool, 'cause I have this kind of new obsession with motor cycles, I don't know why." "But I want one." "How fast do you go?" "On the open road I've taken her up to about 120." "120?" "Miles an hour?" "That's fast." "Very." "I'll take you for a ride sometime." "Really?" "I would love that." "That'd be cool." "Oh, shit." "Hello." "Hey Helena." "Yeah, no, I'm out." "Yeah, you're right." "I don't know who Douglas Chebea is now." "Will you slow down 'cause it's like I'm not understanding you." "What I need you to do is please, go to Petrotian, get me 5 pounds of Sévruga caviar." "I have to get some blinis, I could cut up some eggs and..." "Alice, I don't care how much it is, okay?" "It's the only way for me to salvage this fucking party." "This party is so much better than I thought that would be." "You are much naughtier than I thought you would be." "She asks me if I think you've ever been really dyke." "Actually, I prefer not to think about it." "I'd rather preserve my vision of Dean Porter as the impenetrable ice queen." "That is so fucked up." "But you know what?" "It's," "I have to say, it's actually really useful, to have people think you're impenetrable 'cause then it makes them want you and you get all these really great invitations." "Tell everything." "Come on, Dean." "Caviar blinis, well it's touched, Helena." "I had no idea we had it in the budget." "Well, screw the budget." "I want you to come up to Stanford and cater some parties for the department of engineering." "No way, I'm not sharing her." "I'm glad you're happy, Phillys." "Well, she's usually very generous, but she must adore you." "Helena, I'm, I'm..." "Alice..." "I'm sorry." "I was just dropping some stuff off for Helena." " But I'm gonna go." " Hi." "I'm Leonard," " Kroll, I'm Phillys' husband." " Right." "Yeah, Alice." "Alice?" "Alice, I love your hat." "You do?" "It's great." "I'm Helena's roomate." "Oh, well, you're lucky." " Yeah." " Great cook." "I didn't exactly cook the caviar that I served." "It's still good." "You must eat well." "So, can I get you a drink or..." " Something?" "Food is great." " No." "No, I'm good, I'm good, yeah." "Good, well uh..." " Welcome." " Thank you." "It's a really, really beautiful house." "Thank you, well, we like it." "She's snug." "Are those your kids?" "Oh, yeah, yeah!" "Yeah, Molly is junior in Vassar now, and Sophia is just starting Bennington." "It's a beautiful family." "Yeah, we're very proud of it." "Can you believe that?" "How, how old were you to here?" "What was I?" "I was 36 and you uh..." " 29." " 29." "..." "Okay, well, it's, beautiful, beautiful." " Thank you, thank you." " Yeah." " It was nice meeting you." " Nice to meet you too." " Okay, see you later." " Come by any time." "She's cute." "Well, there is this one time," "Tina and I were on this really, really big yacht." "And Tina and I were in our state room." "And Valentino was up on the deck in these like yellow-black speedos." "and the senator comes in, to the room, with this boner." "I heard he had cock as a tiny little cigar." "It's more like a cigarello actually." "That man's hand was in his pocket for four days, like" " stun." " Okay, okay, okay." "Spare me the details." "It's hard." "Did he pop it out?" "Of course he did, and then I... yelled and Tina dove under the covers and it was just... it wasn't pretty." "I don't know why they all think they can invite themselves into our bed." "I don't know." "She wants to know, if you know how to "shotgun"." "Well then, I'll just have to find out." " "Daylight" by Lazy " " Alice!" " Shit!" "Alice, wait!" "I wanna explain." "You don't have to explain anything to me." "He's your husband." "Well, not like that." "We..." "We haven't had a physical relationship for years!" "I mean, we haven't, we... we don't f..." "Alice, we don't, we don't fuck, okay?" "It's not really that." "I just" "I think I've been a little selfish," "I haven't, even thought for a second, that you have a husband, a family, you have kids." "That's not your responsibility." "I know what I'm doing." "I'm not gonna hurt anybody." "I'm not saying that, I'm just saying" "I don't think I feel comfortable doing this anymore." "Alice, I've never felt this way, for about anyone." "Okay, listen, I don't wanna do this with him inside." "Really, it's not right." "I think I should go." "I really do." "Can you let go my hands, please?" "Please..." "Alice," "Can you let go my hands, please?" " Alice, I love you." " Please," " oh my god." " Alice..." "Thank you." " "Tender Love" by Jill Sobule "