"Previously on Desperate Housewives:" "If Libby likes us as much as we like her, we should go ahead and move to adopt her baby girl." " Who's the father?" " Don't know." "Carlos and Gabby made a deal..." "I did remarry my ex." "It was because he has great health insurance." "...Susan made amends..." "Never thought I'd have such a good time with my girlfriend and her husband." "...Mike..." " Didn't she mention we dated?" "...made a confession..." " Liar!" "You're obviously still in love with this guy!" "...of his own." "On her first day of sobriety, Bree Van De Kamp found an old cork which reminded her just how much she craved Chablis." "So she called her sponsor, who came over with a DVD which they watched till her craving had passed." "Five days later, after she'd developed a thirst for merlot," "Peter arrived with a deck of cards." "The next week, he brought over Chinese take-out, because Bree had told him she was consumed by thoughts of vintage chardonnay." "By her 20th day of sobriety," "Bree had stopped thinking about alcohol, altogether, because her thoughts were now centred elsewhere." "I'm curious, Peter, what is the easiest way to overcome addiction?" "Well, some folks try shock therapy, others use hypnosis." "But taking it one day at time still makes the most sense to me." "Why?" "I guess I'm just impatient to get on with my life." "What are you doing?" "Just giving you a little kiss." "Why?" "It's just my way of saying "thank you" for everything you've done for me." "What's wrong?" "This is gonna seem out of left field, but in addition to being a recovering alcoholic," "I'm also a member of S.A." "Sex Addicts Anonymous." "And that's a real thing?" "Yes." "Sex is as much an addiction for me as booze." "That's why when you turn me on it's a problem." "It was just a peck on the cheek." "It doesn't matter." "The slightest touch gets my juices flowing." "So how long has it been since you..." "A year." "They have this rule:" "Plant, pet, person." "If I can keep a plant alive, then I can move on to a pet." "If I can make that work, then I can start dating again." " So how are you doing?" " I'm on my fourth ficus." "See?" "You can handle affection better than you give yourself credit for." "What?" "I'm sorry." "I think I should go." " Really?" " Yeah." "Peter!" "But..." "You forgot your shirt!" "Keep it!" "Though she didn't know it, Bree had answered her own question." "The easiest way to overcome one addiction is to replace it with another." "Temptation." "It's the name of a well-known establishment on the outskirts of Fairview." "Its clientele is devoted." "Everyone who goes there wants to get their hands on something." "And when they cross a line..." "Hey!" "I warned you, pal!" "...they are punished, as a certain married couple was about to discover." "Hi." "You want a lap dance?" "No, thanks, no." "I sure hope Libby likes this camera." "Why wouldn't she?" "It's exactly what she asked for, the most expensive one in the store." "I'm getting really tired of kissing her ass." "The woman is giving us her baby." "We'll kiss whatever needs kissing." "What the hell are you guys doing here?" "We brought you this." "You said you didn't want us coming by your house." "Thanks, but I'm working, so you gotta go." "We spent a lot of money on that." "The least you can do is open it so we can bask in your happy expression." "Is there a problem here?" "No, we were just talking, everything's fine." "Carlos Solis, my wife, Gabrielle." "We're friends of Libby's." "Oh, hey, I'm Frank, Libby's boyfriend." "You didn't tell us you had a boyfriend." "Didn't I?" "I thought I had." "What's that?" "A present for our baby?" "Did you just say "our" baby?" "Yeah." "It's our first." "Hey, what's for lunch?" "Omelettes." "Want me to make you one?" "No, thank you, I'll pick at yours." "I didn't know you still had a key, Dad." "I have to watch out for my two favourite ladies." "Try the cheese." "That's the best part." "You mean two of your three favourite ladies." "You know, when you add in Edie." "Right, of course." "And speaking of Edie, I have some big news." "I finally did it." "I popped the question." "Congratulations, Dad!" "Yeah." "Congratulations." "What happened to waiting six months?" "Edie and I aren't getting married tomorrow." "It takes months to plan a classy wedding." "Remember ours?" "You had to have it outdoors." "It poured." "I could have murdered that weatherman." "We were all crammed under this little gazebo thingy." "I thought the whole wedding day was ruined." "I loved it." "It felt spontaneous." "All our friends gathered close around us." "Remember?" "You said it was the happiest day of your life." "Just like you marrying Edie will be the happiest day of her life." "Yeah, right." "Her too." "Toodles." "Oh, hi." "Hello." "Andrew said it was all right for me to get a cream soda." "Help yourself." "There's also frosted glasses in the freezer." "Can is fine, but thank you." "Oh, and I left a list for you of the witnesses we'll be deposing." "It's on the counter." "Hi." "Hi" "I know that you're still angry with me, and I wanted to tell you that I have joined a recovery program." "AA." "I just wanted you to know that." "And to tell you I'm sorry." "You are a real friend, and I value your honesty." "I don't want to be mad anymore." "And I'm so happy to hear all that." "And I am so proud of you." "Thanks, but I'm not out of the woods yet." "I still have this whole court case hanging over my head." "I heard." "Andrew's asking to be emancipated?" "Yes." "His lawyer is taking depositions now to see if I am a fit parent." "And considering that mishap that I had with your kids," "I imagine he'll be anxious to talk to you." "That makes sense, I guess." "Yeah." "Do you have any idea what you might say?" "I..." "I'll focus on your good qualities." "I could not ask for anything more." "Thanks." " See you around, I hope." " All right." "That's not why you came to apologize, is it?" "What do you mean?" "To soften me up for the deposition." "Of course not." "I want you to understand something." "Andrew is making accusations, false accusations, saying that I abused him." "All because I wouldn't let him have his trust fund early so he could buy a car." "Can you blame me for wanting to know if I have your support?" "And so, what?" "You want me to lie?" "Make you look good?" "I actually don't want anything of the sort!" "Good." "Because when I give my deposition, I'm going to tell the truth." " To what do I owe this pleasure?" " I want you to look at something." "Myra Holt is talking to Paul Young." "Chatting away with him." "Now, I told her he killed my sister." "I mentioned it to her six months ago when we were in the express line at the market." "But still, there she is, yakking away." "Oh, Mike." "People's memories aren't what they used to be." "What do you want, Felicia?" "I want to see how good your memory is." "If you recall a certain promise you made to me." "I am not gonna kill him." "Why not?" "Give me one reason." "Things have changed." "How?" "My sister still lies rotting in the ground." "So does Deirdre." "I don't see how anything's changed at all." "You're going to have to let this go." "Sounds to me as though someone's let go of his rage." "Maybe I have." "Well, I haven't." "That bitch of a stripper lied to us!" "The father's in the dark." "He wants to keep the baby." "Mr Solis, if the father wants to assert his rights, there's nothing we can do." "I'll find you another baby." "I promise." "I want this one!" "Honey, he's right." "That trashy girl's been lying to us from the get-go." "Let's walk away while we can." "It's not worth it." "Don't get cold feet now, Gabby, please." "All right?" "Let's pay Frank the way we paid Libby, and bring the baby home." "Wait, wait, wait." "You paid Libby?" "You said we could give her gifts." "Everybody loves cash." "I could probably be disbarred for even listening to this." "I cannot condone baby buying!" "I sure as hell can't be part of it." " Mr Beale, come on..." " No!" "Hear me out." "If you are determined to go down this dark road, and unbeknownst to me, steal this paternal rights waiver sitting on my desk, and have this Frank guy sign both sides and date the top," "I can't be part of that either." "OK, I'm gonna go to Dad's." "Oh, wait, why don't you let me walk with you?" " Shouldn't you be resting?" " No, I'm fine." "The doctor said I should keep my blood flowing." "Do you have to do it while we walk over to Edie's?" "I just..." "I don't want to risk you running into Dad." "OK." "You guys have just been so chummy lately and this flirting thing is kind of freaking me out." "Wait a second, we're not flirting." "Mom, you fed him eggs with your fork." "OK, yes, I am closer to your father than I have been in the past." "The bitter hatred's now settled into a respectful disgust." "That's the kind of thing most children of divorce dream about." "Hey, Edie." "What's all this stuff for?" "Oh, hi." "Don't tell anyone, but I'm planning a surprise for Karl." "A surprise?" "I'm putting together an engagement party tomorrow." "Oh, cool." "But that's not the surprise." "Actually, it's going to be a surprise wedding." "My Pilates teacher got ordained over the Internet." "The Church of the Divine something or other, I'm not sure." "Anyway, it's all legal, and, well, one more day before I make an honest man out of your daddy." "Oh, you're so sweet." "Thank you so much for your good wishes." "No, Edie, wait, no." "It's that, I, you know, I was married to Karl, and I used to try to surprise him, and he would always, always, always, say," ""No, Susan, don't surprise me." "I don't like it!"" "Whatever." "I'm doing it, so keep your trap shut." "Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to go and buy a wedding dress." "By the way, I'll be wearing white." "So that'll be a surprise for everybody." "I don't know why I have to get dragged into this." "What happened with my kids has nothing to do with Bree's situation." "Sit." "Well, it's my understanding that real harm could have come to your children as a direct result of your friend's behaviour." "I'm sorry, but I'm not going to testify." "It just doesn't feel right to me." "This isn't the first time someone's felt the way you do." "So this isn't the first time I've had to say that if you refuse to give a deposition of your own accord," "I'll compel you to give one." "But I'm sure I won't have to." "You're saying Bree did this?" "While under the influence." "I understand your reluctance to turn on a friend." "But this isn't about you." "It's about Andrew." "Don't you think he's suffered enough?" "How much are you gonna give him?" "I figured we could start with forty." "Thousand?" "He's a bouncer in a strip club, offer him eight." "He's not going to sell his baby for $8,000." "Are we talking about the same idiot?" "For $8,000 he'd throw in a kidney." "I'm not gonna blow this by bargain hunting." "When you bought your car you paid sticker." "Nobody pays sticker." "What's the sticker price on a child?" "Tell me that." "I'm thinking 12." "Frank, you have to sign the paper, I made a deal with these people." "A deal?" "This isn't a used car we're talking about." "It's our baby!" "Before you screw this up, remember I can go to the cops and tell them about the pot farm you have going on in our basement." "It's just a couple plants." "You know, I don't do it for profit." "It's a hobby, mostly." "Come on, Frank." "You know you would be a lousy father." "It's my kid." "And I have a right to mess her up if I want." "If you go near the police," "I'll tell them you've been stealing all those tips." "OK, we're done." "Gabby, Gabby, now, just hold on." "Now, maybe there's a way that we can work this out together." "There's nothing to work out." "If Frank's not on board with this, it's over." "Wait." "It doesn't matter what he wants." " Why not?" " Because it's not your baby." "That's a lie." "Will a paternity test shut you up?" "If it's not Frank's, then whose is it?" "I'm not sure." "All's I know is I got pregnant right after I worked at the Calgary rodeo." "And I was very popular there." "What?" "You screwed a bunch of cowboys?" "You have your hobbies, and I have mine." " You think this is funny?" " Don't you get it?" "We just got our baby back." "Well, you take care now." "Yeah." "Hi." "I got your message that you wanted to see me before the meeting started." "Yeah." "I did." "There's someone I'd like to introduce you to." "Bree, this is Donna." " Donna, this is Bree." " What's up?" "Hi." "Donna is gonna be your new sponsor." "I don't want a new sponsor." "I'm very comfortable working with you." "This was always just a temporary arrangement, and given what happened," "I think it's best if we just end this now." "Peter, all we did was kiss." "We'd be kidding ourselves if we didn't think that whatever's between us isn't gonna affect our recovery." "It's not a good time for change in my life, Peter." "Terrible things are happening, I'm headed to court." "I need your support now more than ever." "You'll have support, Bree." "It just won't be mine." "But, Peter..." " Bree could never have done that." " I'm telling you what the lawyer said." "So you think Bree punched Andrew in the face?" "Cos I don't." "I don't either!" "But on the other hand, she spanked my kids, she lied about her drinking, and I once saw her bitch-slap her mother-in-law." "So I'm torn." "Well, I'm siding with Bree." "How can you be so sure?" "We have Andrew saying that it's systematic physical abuse." "Then we have Bree saying it's Andrew wanting to be emancipated so he can get at his trust fund so he can buy a car." "How are we supposed to know the truth?" "Because I remember being 17." "I would have done a hell of a lot more than punch myself in the eye to get a car." "Karl!" "Karl!" "Stop, stop!" "It's an emergency!" " Just calm down." "What's going on?" " Edie is gonna marry you tomorrow!" "What?" "She's planned this whole secret wedding!" "It's a surprise!" "God, I hate surprises." "I know." "I told her that." "I said, he always, always hates surprises." "Don't get yourself all worked up here." "We'll put our heads together, and we'll come up with something." "So the thing you gotta know about me is my style is proactive." "I don't hold your hand if you go on a bender." "I believe in behaviour modification." "Some muffins?" "That's OK, I'm not big on snacks." "You should also know..." "I'm not a lesbian." "Well, good for you." "Well, see, if I was, the program wouldn't let me be your sponsor." "Not great for your recovery if we get tangled up in a little something." "So... whatever vibe you might be getting, that's all on you." "Donna I really appreciate everything that you've been doing for me." "But I think I was really making some progress with Peter as my sponsor, and I was thinking..." "All right, stop right there!" "You're fixating on Peter." "I feel like I'm jeopardizing my recovery by switching." "You're making excuses." "See, I have a 99 percent success rate as a sponsor because I have zero percent tolerance for people who lie to themselves." "Now come on." "Come on?" "Where are we going?" "Hiking." "There's nothing like it to take your mind off booze." "I got it." "I'll just be the woman." "I'll say I want a big wedding, the church, big ballroom, smushing cake in her face." "It'll take months to plan." "That's great." "I'll have to tell her you're the one who ruined the surprise." " You're gonna make me take the hit?" " Yeah." "Hey." "Whatcha you doing out here?" "Just talking." "Well, come on in." "I've got something to show you." " No, that's OK." " Come on!" "You'll love this." "Wait until I leave to tell her, because she's gonna kill me." "Well, I should go." "I'm not going to scream or cry or pound your faces in with a mallet, which, Lord knows, is my right." "But what I will say is that you two are the most reprehensible excuses for human beings that I have ever met!" "Do you have anything to add?" "Right." "What the hell." "Hey, Mrs Scavo." "That's a sweet ride." "Yeah, you think so?" "Come over here for a second, I'd like to pick your brain." "You're the demographic my client is interested in." "You'd be doing me a favour if you drove it for a couple hours and tell me what you thought." "Do you mind?" "Are you kidding me?" "I can't believe you are old enough to drive." "I can remember when you were ten-years-old." "I paid you a dollar to rake our leaves." "Yeah, yeah, you were pretty cheap." "Is this set up for MP3?" "All the bells and whistles." "But, listen," "I really wanted to tell you how sorry I am." "Your lawyer came to see me." "I'm going to be deposed." "It's going to be hard for me." "Yeah, yeah, I know." "You just have to remember she's a different person when she drinks." "She must be." "It's hard for me to imagine the Bree I know capable of hurting you." "Yeah." "Do you have the keys?" "Sure." "Anyway, I just I feel so guilty that this all went on in your house, right under our nose." "So if there's anything I can do to help you..." "Well, can you get a discount on these?" "Actually, yeah." "One of the perks." "It's out of the price range of a high school student." "If you tell my lawyer the truth, I don't think money's gonna be a problem." "Hi." "What's going on?" "Edie wants to discuss our little deception." "Exactly how ugly is this gonna get?" "How long does it take to shut a door?" "I can forgive your trickery." "I can forgive the humiliation." "But what I can't forgive is the complete and utter lack of faith in me!" "I mean, having Susan get married for insurance was my idea!" "If I had known that everything had gotten screwed up, of course I would've agreed." "Look, Edie." "In retrospect, yes, we didn't think." "We didn't handle this the way mature adults should have." "He's right." "We behaved like children." "Naughty, stupid children." "Well, that makes me feel better, that you could admit that." "Because when naughty children misbehave, they know they're gonna get punished." "Don't they?" "Punished?" "At this point, I'd like to point out that it was Karl who proposed." "Karl you are gonna throw me an elaborate wedding." "Yes, of course." "Anything, baby." "How elaborate?" "Well, figure out exactly what it is that you could afford, and triple it." "As for you..." "OK, now, remember, I'm broke." "I'm well aware of your church mouse status." "I don't intend to lift a finger during the planning and execution of this crushingly expensive wedding." "No, no, of course not." "And anything I can do to help, you know, I could help with the engagement party." "How's that?" "Well, I wasn't planning on inviting you." "But..." "I will need a bartender." "And make sure you come in through the back door." "You're just in time." "Mrs Scavo has been sworn in," " so we're all ready to start." " Hey." "Hi." "All right, we are now on the record." "OK." "Isn't it true that while your children were in Bree's care she passed out, drunk, and allowed them to wander off to a downtown business district?" "My kids don't wander, they scurry, like rats." "Excuse me?" "Do you know a rat can fit through a hole the size of a quarter?" "Anyway, my children have that trick down too." "Are you saying that you don't hold Ms. Van De Kamp responsible for endangering your children?" "No, I don't hold her responsible." "Bree Van De Kamp and I have known each other a long time." "I trust her completely." "She's a wonderful friend and a fantastic mother." " She puts the rest of us to shame." " She's lying!" " You gonna let her get away with this?" " Please." "Do you consider Mrs Van De Kamp to have a drinking problem?" "No." "Then why did you line empty wine bottles up on her front stoop?" "I was helping Bree with her recycling." "Do I need to remind you of the potential consequences of perjury?" "No, you don't." "In fact, I hate liars." "Hello?" "Peter?" "Hi, it's Bree." "Hey, Bree, you know, if you feel like you're gonna need a drink, you should call Donna." "No, no, I don't feel like I'm gonna drink." "If I did I certainly would call Donna," "She and I are..." "we're just really clicking." "Oh, that's good." "So why are you calling?" "I know it's late notice, but a friend got engaged." "She's throwing a party, and I thought you'd like to come." " Bree..." " Well, you're not my sponsor anymore, so I assume this is allowable." "It's just a casual get-together." "And they're having sushi." " You do like sushi, don't you?" " Bree..." "OK, Peter," "I just really..." "need us to be friends." "When I'm with you, I'm not myself, which is a good thing." "I can..." "I can relax when I'm with you in a way that I can't when I'm with other people." "With them, I have to pretend that I have it all together, but you know that I don't, so it's just so much easier." "Come on, it's just a..." "just a dumb old party." "Bree, do not call me again." "Paul!" "I'm so glad you made it." "I appreciate the invitation." "I'm surprised to get it, considering how people in this neighbourhood feel about me." "You know me." "I like to be inclusive." "It's heavy." "This is flat." "I think I'd like... a Rusty Nail." "A what, now?" "It's a cocktail." "I'm not really sure what's in it." "But it sounds obscure and complicated." "So chop-chop." "OK, we'll be right there." "Hey, put that down!" "We've gotta go!" " Our birth mother went into labour!" " What?" " That's fantastic!" " We're gonna be parents!" "I'll go get the car." "Come on." "We were supposed to have four weeks." "She promised the baby wasn't due for four more weeks." "We don't have anything, we don't have diapers, and we don't have the stuff babies drink." "Formula?" "Exactly!" "We're not ready!" "This is a total inconvenience." "Welcome to parenthood." "Come on." "This is your father's bartender bible." "See if you can find the recipe for a Rusty Nail." "Mom?" "Where'd you find that?" "It was stuck in here between a Pink Squirrel and a Pisco Sour." "Well, why is your father keeping this?" "Why do you think?" "Hey, Susie." "This marriage, our marriage, this fake marriage." "That's what it is, right?" "Fake." "What are you talking about?" "What's this?" " Nothing." " Yeah?" "OK, then." "Repeat after me:" ""Our marriage is fake, and I'm going to marry the woman I really love:" "Edie Britt."" " If that's what you want me to say." " No!" "It's not about what I want you to say." "You have to want to say that you want to marry Edie." "Don't worry about this, Susie." "Why are you hanging on to that?" "I need to look at it from time to time." "Why?" "Consider it my punishment." "For screwing up the best thing that ever happened to me." "Oh, no, no, no, this is not happening." "Karl!" "Will you?" "Are you crazy?" "Tell me what to do." "Want me to marry Edie, I will." "Want me to call off the wedding, I'll do it." "I'll do whatever you want." "I'm putty." "Karl!" "What are you doing?" "I'm just putting away some coats." "Well, it's time to open my presents." "Let's go." " Hello." " Hi." "Hi." "I need advice from a professional." "I'd like to get stinking drunk." "Do you have anything that can accomplish that in a hurry?" "I forgot the Lamaze book in my purse!" "Forget it." "Come on, let's go." "We'll wing it." "We missed it?" "The kid just slipped right out." "Are you family?" "They're the parents." "Would you like to help?" "No, thanks." "You guys look like you got it covered." "Are you sure, honey?" "Come on, Gabby." "I just..." "I don't wanna do anything to screw it up." "She won't break." "Here." "OK." "Hi." "Hi." "Honey, you were right." "About what?" "It was all worth it." "Serving bowls." "Just what I needed, Lynette." "There's a gift receipt taped to the bottom of the box." "Thank God!" "OK, the next one is from Felicia." "I do hope you like it." "You know what they say." "Good things come in small packages." "What is it?" "Teeth?" "Dentures." "They were my dear sister Martha's." "I'm sure none of you knew, but she had orthodontic issues from the time she was a child." "Thank you." "I know it's an unconventional gift for an engagement party, but you were such close friends, Edie," "I wanted you to have something truly personal to remember her by." "Since she left us so... abruptly." "You know, when Paul Young strangled her, crushed her windpipe, and buried her alive next to a hiking trail..." "Felicia, I think you've had enough." "I do apologize if I've offended anyone." "But while you all are chitchatting and eating these gummy hors d'oeuvres, just remember, you're in the company of a murderer." "Bree." "Bree?" "Why didn't you call Donna?" "I don't need Donna." "I need you." "You know, I don't even like redheads." "OK, it's my turn." "In a minute." "Come on, you're hogging her." "Tell me!" "You tell me who it is, Libby!" "Are you drunk?" "Who is he, Libby?" "I got to know!" "I told you, he's just some rodeo guy." "I don't even remember his name." "Liar!" "What are you doing?" "I'm gonna light myself on fire." "He's gonna light himself on fire with coffee liquor?" "Would not have been my choice." "Tell me his name or I'm gonna do it!" "Frank, don't be an idiot!" "It was Dale, OK?" "It was Dale!" "Security to Maternity." "My brother, Dale?" " He's a kid!" " He's 19, Frank." "He knows which end is up." "What is she saying?" "There's a father." "Take it easy, man!" "No." "I am not giving up the baby." "No!" "No!" "Security to O.B. Security to O.B." " What are you doing?" " Taking our baby home." "She's not ours!" "The papers aren't valid!" "She has a father!" "Do you wanna leave this beautiful girl with that white trash freak show?" "Well, come on, then!" " Where?" " Maternity!" "Maternity!" "All right." "Carlos, hurry up!" "I'm hurrying!" "Man, there's a lot of straps on this thing!" " How does this thing go in?" " Read the instructions!" ""Pass strap A through strap B. Make sure the harness clip is at chest level."" "Which one's the harness clip?" "That is after the baby is in!" "You have to connect it to the car first!" "Told you we should've got an SUV!" "Stop!" "This is very complicated!" "Oh, for God sakes, just take the baby!" "Wow." "Here, we're good to go." "Give me the baby." "You know this isn't gonna end well." "They're gonna try and take her back." "Maybe." "But we don't have to make it easy for them." " Gabby, I..." " Just buckle up!" "Temptation comes to all of us." "Whether or not we succumb, depends on our ability to recognize its disguise." "Sometimes it arrives in the form of an old flame flickering back to life." "Or a new friend who could end up being so much more." "Or a young child who awakens feelings we didn't know we had." "And so we give in to temptation, all the while knowing, come morning, we'll have to suffer the consequences."