"( Instrumental music playing )" "( man vocalizing )" "Announcer:" "And now, the last finalist, three-time champion Charlyne Phuc." "Excuse me." " ( Mic feedback rings)" " Man:" "Ah!" " Announcer:" "First word:" "logorrhea." " ( tapping mic)" "Logorrhea, um..." "L-o-g-o-r-r.." "W-wait-- (snickering )" "( crowd whispering )" "Logorrhea-- like diarrhea, but different." "I mean, they're both kind of like a spray, but logorrhea, that's a spray of words from the mouth, you know?" "And, like, diarrhea, which is also a spray, but it comes from a different orifice." " ( Crowd muttering )" " Announcer:" "What in the world?" "Woman:" "Ugh." " Fuck, am I, like, way off?" " ( crowd gasps)" "Reporter:" "There is breaking news tonight from the State Spelling Bee Championship as Morgan High's own Charlyne Phuc has been arrested for drug possession." "Phuc has admitted using marijuana during her three-time championship run in order to assist her mortal mind in accessing the dictionary inscribed" " in the fabric of the cosmos..." " ( alarm beeping ) and that no one would have noticed if she hadn't been so buttstonked." " Boy:" "Shh." " ( boy laughing)" " Shut up, Dave." " ( laughing continues)" "Sh-- shut up, Dave." "♪ The wind blows cool across my face... ♪" "Little Dave:" "Dave, take my weed." "♪ I can smell the taste, a trace of lace ♪" "♪ There's something sinister in place... ♪" " Hold his feet." " I am, Dave." " Dave, roll that shit." " I am, Dave." " Holy" " Fuck." "Hey, Mom?" "I got some MIT scholarship stuff that I filled out." "If you could drop it in the mail, I'd appreciate it." "Honey, I clogged the toilet again." "The plunger should be under the sink." " Where?" " The back." " Oh, I" " I got it." " All right, thanks." " I love you." " ♪ My mind slips further ♪" "♪ From what's real ♪" "♪ Take my hands away from the steering wheel... ♪" "(yelling )" "♪ I'm crashing, coming down in waves ♪" "♪ And wipe the sweat from upon my face ♪" "♪ And it's a perfect day to leave this place... ♪" " Ooh." " ♪ It's a perfect day ♪" "♪ To hide down in my own home... ♪" " What the fuck?" "!" " ( dog barks )" "Watch where the fuck you step, Henry!" "Watch where the fuck you step!" "♪ It's a perfect day ♪" " ♪ To waste away... ♪ - ( car horn honking )" " ♪ Your perfect part to play... ♪ - ( speaking French )" "♪ Just another perfect day, but before you know, it's gone... ♪" " ( Continues speaking French ) - ( tires screeching)" "♪ It's a perfect day to waste away ♪" " ♪ Your perfect part to play... ♪" " Shit." "♪ Just another perfect day, but before you know, it's gone. ♪" "( Boy whimpering )" "( laughs) oh!" "( laughing )" "Bravo, fuckers." ""I swallow."" "(whimpering)" " Shut up." " ( horn honks)" " D-Dad." "No-- - ( horn honks)" " It won't happen again." "I promise." " I expect you to pay every last penny of my deductible." "In the meantime, you can spend this afternoon in detention." "Yes, sir." " Come along, Martin." " Yes, Daddy." "( Chatter )" "Hey." "Hey, Breaux." "I hit Dr. Gordon because of you." "I shouldn't have to pay for his car, man." "All right, well, tough shit." "I mean, you're the one who crashed" " into that butthole Gordon." " To avoid hitting you!" "News flash: wearing headphones while driving is against the law." "You know, I don't think I should take behavior advice from a burner flunky." " Boy:" "Ouch, dude!" " Yeah, well, why don't you take your science-fair, national-scholar status and cram it up your asshole?" " ( Crowd cheers)" " You know, Breaux" "Yeah, thank you." "Way to be a hambro." "It wasn't like I made him crash into that man-whore's piece-of-shit car." " ( School bell rings)" " That's what that scrotum skin tag Gordon gets for teaching his fat little clone how to give a hand job." "Rollin' on 12s, son." "Aw, come on." "He's behind you!" "Voice:" "What?" "What?" "You know what the problem is here, Brandon?" "Why our average GPA has dropped three times in as many years?" "Uh, the Internet?" "The sticky green." "The cannabis sativa." "The sinsemilla." "Marijuana?" "(woman laughs)" "Which is serious stuff." "Dangerous stuff, so I hear." "It's a gateway drug." "Hop-heads like Travis Breaux have been a thorn on my side ever since they came here." "That little prick has caused me more pain than you know." " My cat..." " Yeah?" "...developed an abscess on her face." "I rushed her to the vet emergency room, but their nitrous oxide tank had been stolen." "They later tracked the culprits down to the home of one Travis Breaux." "Without anesthesia, I had to pin Dolly down." "She scratched my face, my hand." "I developed a terrible infection." "It's called "cat scratch fever."" " ( sputters )" " My stool became incredibly painful to pass." " I lost weight, but gained body fat." " ( coughing )" "I was a mess." "Then I heard my wife telling her friends that I looked lousy." "My attorney advised me against taking any sort of action." "No evidence to press charges against Travis Breaux, but I knew" " I knew he was responsible, breathing in that laughing gas filth." "They call it "space surfing."" "Where do they come up with all these clever names for recreational drug use?" "Roasting a bone, candy flipping, banging down a stiff loosey." "( Brandon clears throat) A stiff loosey" "I haven't heard that one." "When a woman from a sordid underworld social circle inhales powdered cocaine off of some loser's erect penis and then doses acid off of his testicles" "( phone ringing )" "I think it has something to do with the Beatles." "(sighs)" "Now, they ruined our nation- drugs, fornicating, a grown man singing about his feelings." "It's time we win this war, expunge this school of all dope fiends." "Henry:" "So I've created a hybrid compound with a resistance two times that of regular silicon." "Used as the basis material for electronics, it would provide increased protection against power surges, magnetic waves." "This is an electromagnetic pulse generator." "Actually, could everyone take a step back?" "It's a localized pulse, but it will fry your laptops, your hard drives." "It'll kill your cell phones if you're too close." "(zapping. beeping )" "Tick, tick, tick." "So as you can see, the motherboard manufactured by my compound is the undamaged one." "(school bell rings)" "Shit." "Bitter aftertaste of reality?" "You come to see how the other half lives?" "( Door opens )" " Boy:" "Mr. Thompson here?" " He went lookin' for you." "Hey, fool, that's my shirt you got on." "I gave it to Goodwill last year." "( laughs)" "( chuckles ) Fuckin' hobo." "Don't trip, Rubin." "I'm sure he washed your dad's cum off of it." "What the fuck you just say to me?" "I said I'm sure he washed your dad's cum off of it." "Or did some dry up in your ears?" "You should clean them fuckers out." " Try an ear candle, yo." " ( door opens)" "Rubin?" "Why aren't you in your seat?" "You know, we could have a little Abu Ghraib action here, or we could watch our video." "It's your call." "I'm just gonna go ahead and sit down." "Good choice." "Boy:" "It's all ready." "Just hit play." "Everybody, pay attention." "And no talking." "Narrator on TV:" "With his parents out of town for the weekend," "Bob bends to the pressure of his peers to be somebody and smokes a joint." "That's street talk for a marijuana cigarette." "Bob lights up and takes a drag." "What he doesn't realize is that this seemingly harmless act will bring the walls of his reality crashing down." " ( Students laughing ) - ( screaming)" "(Breaux laughing)" "(screaming )" "(Zapping )" "Narrator:" "Is this your idea of getting jiggy with it?" " ( Whimpering) - ( chatter)" "Narrator:" "Applesauce 10 times a day." "Man on TV:" "How are you feeling?" " Boy:" "This video eats my balls." " Boy #2:" "Word." "Woman on TV:" "Dr. Gibson, you're wanted in lobotomy room 7." "Dr. Gibson to lobotomy room 7." "Narrator:" "It will also help fund terrorism." "I only really want to blow things up when I'm high." " Think about it." " ( man ululating)" " ( all ululating) - ( machine-gun fire)" "Man over radio:" "Engage." "Smoke 'em." "Henry." "Henry, hey, hey." "Look, I'm sorry." "I drive like shit when I'm high." "You were high at 3:00 in the morning?" "Yeah, of course." "I'll help you pay for it, all right?" "I'll float you some casheesh." "Well, thanks, man." "I'm sorry about the whole burner, flunky thing." "Oh, no." "It's all good, you know." " I get worse from my dad, so..." " Right." " Yeah." " How's he doin'?" "Who's he doin'?" "He's probably balls deep in some Jell-O mold as we speak." "Right." "So, um, this is me." "Obviously." "Hey, you remember how I caught you jerking off with BENGAY when you were, like, 12?" " Yeah." " Aw, yo, that shit must have burned!" " Yeah, that's funny." " I told everybody, and you ran off in the woods like some fuckin' cracked-out Hobbit." " Yeah, no, no." "I remember." " Yo, there were helicopters" " looking for you and shit." " I remember the helicopters." "I was always wondering what the fuck they were saying to each other." " Think about it." " Really?" "( Imitates static ) "Uh, looking for the kid who just jerked off." "Over."" ""Did he just come?" "Over."" ""Negative, Ghost Rider." "Looking for a case of blue balls." "Over."" "It was like a scene from "The Fugitive," but with a naked kid." "Yeah, that's not really proper pilot speak, but I guess" "I'm just saying we had some good times." " Yeah." "Yeah, sure." " Yeah." "The hell happened, do you think?" "High school." "Yeah, no doubt." "(keys jingling)" "Hey, look, you know, I was driving by the old 'hood yesterday." "You remember that tree house, that lockbox we built?" "Yeah, sure." "Still there?" "Wanna go find out?" "( Breaux grunts)" " Awesome." " Oh, my God." "( Chuckles ) What?" "Oh, man, all this shit was so important back in the day, man." " Henry:" "Look at these." " What?" " You look like a fat Billy Ray Cyrus." " Yo, wait, man." "We should be fuckin' high for this." "( Lighter flicks)" "This is pharmaceutical-grade Hindu Kush." "What?" "Do you have a prescription for weed?" " You don't?" " What?" "What does that" "You haven't gotten high before, have you?" "You're afraid you're gonna end up ripping down big loads in a cave with the Shoe Bomber?" "Getting high, it's-- it's like freedom." "Smells, tastes, feelings- they all become, like, four-dimensional." "(Jamaican accent) When everyting irie, everyting go twing twing." "Yeah, let me-- ( laughs )" " Fuck it." " Be somebody." " ( Coughing ) - ( laughs)" "So it begins." "(crow cawing )" "Can't wait to have an ex-wife, man." "Can't wait for that shit." "When's the good part kick in?" "Like the-- like the fourth-dimensional stuff." "I want the freedom." "When's the freedom kick in, Breaux?" "I" " I want the freedom." "Should we even be here right now?" "I mean, won't people get suspicious?" "I mean, they'll call the cops, send helicopters." "I hate fucking helicopters." "No, nobody's gonna do anything, man." "We're trespassing." " I mean, do you feel this?" " ( wood creaking )" "'Cause, holy shit, I mean, I don't even think this is" "(screams)" " ( thuds)" " Oh, God." " You okay?" " The freedom hasn't kicked in yet, asshole!" "Hey, what we need to do right now is just relax." " ( High-frequency whine) - ( buttons clicking )" "(demonic voice) Fuck, God damn it!" "Where are you?" "!" "Where the fuck are you?" "!" "Helicopters everywhere!" " Everywhere!" " ( helicopter blades whirring )" "Breaux over radio:" "Uh, looking for the kid who just jerked off." "Over." "Did he just come?" "Over." "Negative, Ghost Rider." "Looking for a case of blue balls." "Over." "(sighs)" "There were helicopters." "They were hunting me down." "(cell phone buzzing )" " It's your phone." " Shit." "What time is it?" "Party time." " Hey." " Girl:" "Henry, where are you?" " I'm so sorry." " We're all here waiting for you." " Yeah, I'll be there in 20." "Fuck!" " What's going on?" "I'm borrowing this." "I gotta go to the annual bake sale prep." " Can you drive?" " You wanna go now?" "Yeah." "Yeah, I wanna go now." "All right, man." "Well, I want some road-head, then." "I hope you're good at swallowing, bro." "It's how I like it." "( Cheerleaders chanting )" " Ahh." " We need some more green." " Boy:" "She's got ass for days." " Boner." "( Door closes )" "Hey, Sharky." "What's crackin"?" "What's crack-a-lackin'?" "Girl:" "Good job." "Good, good." " ( Heart beating )" " Hey, Sharky." "What's crackin"?" " What's crack-a-lackin'?" " What up, tough guy?" " Hey, Sharky" " Girl:" "Oh!" " ( Gasps )" " I got it." "Fuck!" "Oh, I just got my eyebrow pierced yesterday!" " About freakin' time." " Henry:" "Hey, guys." "Sorry." " You're such a fucking asshole." " What?" "Sharky Ovante just gave you an opening!" "Microscopic, but still." "You blew it." "Yeah." "We grew up next door to each other." "We used to play together till she grew breasts." "And that was that." "I ran the numbers." "Assuming we both ace our finals, it seems to me you have valedictorian by 3/100ths of a percentage." "Salutatorian is a pretty big deal, too, Sebastian, so..." " Still second place, though." " Well, I suppose the hinge upon which fate swings is a capricious one." " Why are your eyes all red?" " Brandon:" "Excuse me, everyone." "Can I please have your attention?" "Very impressive, spirit team." "Can you please put her down?" " ( Girl screams, thuds)" " Uh, hey, listen." "We're doing a live television interview outside, so if you could all just, you know, stop throwing each other up in the air and keep the volume level down, that'd be great." " Okay?" "Thank you." " Boy:" "Sorry." "Woman on TV:" "And now we'll go live to Julia Louise Hugo" " at Morgan High School." "Julia?" " In five, four, three, two..." "I understand that you have a statement regarding your student, Charlyne Phuc, who was recently arrested" "Miss Phuc is no longer a student of this institution, and I have requested that her standing as three-time State Spelling Bee Champion be officially revoked." "Morgan is one of the finest high schools in this state." "We demand excellence, not inebriation." "And to reassure our students, parents, faculty, and board of regents of this high standard, we are conducting a controlled-substance screening on campus tomorrow." "All students are required to participate, and any student who does not pass the screening will be immediately expelled." "(crowd whispering )" "Cheese and crackers." "No, no, no, no." "I was trying for genial and it came off wimpy." "I'd like to be stronger." "Could we try this again?" " ( Camera clicking)" " Julia:" "We're live." " ( Woman laughing ) What?" " ( people laughing )" "Woman:" "No, no, no, it's great." "Keep shooting." "Looks great." "Big Dave:" "We gotta be clear by tomorrow morning." " Man on phone:" "What drug?" " Shrooms." " Yeah, we split an eighth." " How long ago did you take them?" " Hmm." "About an hour ago?" " What strain?" "Hold on." "Hey." "You know what strain we ate?" "Dinosaur bones." " Man:" "Are your parents home?" " I think." " Man:" "Have you been drinking?" " Look at your face." "Did you smoke marijuana with these mushrooms?" "It's all stroked out." " Henry:" "Sorry." " What?" "So it might be that shit we ate on prom night." " I'm looking for Breaux." " Breaux:" "Gordon's been pulling" " this Nazi shit forever." " Man:" "Did you call the police?" "Breaux:" "My dad's gonna cancel the Spice Channel if I get expelled, beat me up with my own severed cock." "Let-- yo, let me call you right back." " What?" " You did this to me." "Do you have any idea how screwed I am right now?" "Look, chill, man." "You're causing a scene." "I'm causing a scene?" "(demonic voice) Causing a scene?" "What?" "!" "(yelling )" "( normal voice) What?" "Look, there are other people tripping' balls pretty hard core right now." "Dude, I'm not like other people." "Okay?" "I don't trip on balls." "Okay?" "If I'm busted, I can kiss my MIT scholarship good-bye." "My entire life is on the line right now." "Yeah, all right." "Hey, you guys, the pumpkins are trying to kill us." "You gotta go talk to 'em." "Come on, seriously, go." " What's with them?" " Come on." "This is my cleansing box." "It's for emergency situations." "We've got golden-seal, but I think they test for that now" "Tea regimen, but it takes something like two to three days." "There's always urine masks, but sometimes your piss can come out a little too clean." "Like it's not even urine anymore." "It's Aquafina." "Okay, so what else do we have, man?" "Is that it?" "There's the piss pump." "It's classic, but if they frisk you, they're gonna find it." " Right." " The bottom line is anything you use will buy you a 40% chance of passing." "That's an F. That's an F, Breaux." "You know, this is what they warn you about in that video." "It starts out fun until you start clawing your eyes out in a padded cell with al-Qaeda." "One hit could really ruin your life." "I mean, you could always go around to high schools." "You know, like, "Don't be like me." "I blew it." "Threw my life down the garbage disposal... for weed."" "( laughs ) Come on!" " Hey, I'm playing, man." " This is a big deal, Breaux." "I need your-- this is a big deal!" "Yeah, I know, man." "♪ Have you ever watched the sun go down ♪" "♪ And you're thinking 'bout the world spinnin' round?" "♪" "♪ Have you ever been high as fuck?" "♪" "( Students screaming )" "♪ You're in the bathroom mirror talking to yourself ♪" "♪ And your dog's lookin' at you like you need help ♪" "♪ Have you ever been high as fuck?" "♪" " ( Bang on window) - ( gasps )" "( bangs)" "(dog barking )" "Oh." "Have you been throwing cold cuts at my window?" "Yo, have you been crying?" "(car alarm blaring)" "Yo, meet me at the tree house, gangster." " ( Shotgun clicks)" " Yo, who the fuck touched my whip?" "Got you!" "Breaux:" ""Sodium aluminum sul--"" "There's aluminum in this?" "What the fuck?" "Look, uh, what if we walked in tomorrow, failed the drug test, and no one even noticed?" "What if you could fail and still be valedictorian and still go to MIT?" " Jesus Christ, you're high again." " Yeah, I'm always high" "Dude, that's a stoner fantasy, man." "How could I fail the drug test and no one care?" " If everyone fails." " Of course." "If we can't pass the test, fine." "Fuck it." "Let's get the whole school high." "Oh, my God." "Please tell me you're kidding." "Tomorrow is the bake sale, right?" "We swap in bud brownies, everyone gets blazed, everyone fails." "They'll have to throw the test results away." "We won't even use a lot." "All right?" "Just enough to muddy the waters." "They'll barely test positive." "Most people won't even notice." "They'll just be a little slow." " A little slow." " At times like this, you need to think like a stoner." "Where are we gonna get that much weed?" "(dogs barking )" " Frog:" "What?" " What?" "What?" "What?" "You're right." "I harvested the crop a few hours too early." "(groaning )" "Ah!" "I'm so stupid." "Fuckin'-- so fuckin' stupid!" "(crying )" "Stupid!" " What?" " What?" "Frog:" "What?" "What?" "I'm sorry." "I hate for you to see me this way." "Frog:" "What?" "Breaux:" "There's this guy" " Psycho Ed." "He was like a child prodigy." "Graduated from high school at 15." "Passed the bar exam before he was old enough to drink." "But then he went to a foam party in Baja, smoked a dust blunt supposedly laced with PCP, burned something out in his fuckin' brain." "Dropped out the legit world and became" "Henry:" "Let me guess-- a drug dealer." "Yeah, but he's got this shit-- it's better than weed." "It's called kief, and it's really hard to make because you need a massive crop of some crypto-dank herb on a 32-part-per-million flowering solution cycle." "Psycho Ed:" "Calculated to harvest each bud when its psychoactive component is at its absolute apex." "Then I process the buds to extract the excess THC, the fruit of an entire harvest." "One misstep and the crystals are history." "This is kief." "This will seriously fuck you up." "Hold on, m-man." "You-- you want to steal a psycho drug dealer's personal kief?" "Precisely." "Look, the Daves scored a dime bag from him this afternoon, took a look at the place, told me the whole setup," " where the keys are." " Man, this is insane!" " I can't do this!" " You can." "It's not." "Look, I know what you're thinking." " You know, he's got a gun..." " No." "Breaux, I was not thinking that." "Look, at times like this, we can't think about the things that could go wrong." "We just gotta grab the balls and go for it." " The balls." "I'm grabbing the balls." " Exactly." "Whose balls?" "Stop, Breaux." " No, I can't do this, man." " It's easy, okay?" "Just hop the back fence, wait for my signal, and then bing, bang, boom, and we dip." "What kind of plan is that?" " ( Dog barking )" " Breaux." "Fuck." ""Beware of my fucking dog."" "(groans)" " Fuck!" " Hey." "What the fuck are you doing out here?" "Come on, get in here." "Come on." " Come on!" "Get in here!" " Okay, okay." " Have you been crying again?" " Fuck off." "Okay." "It's really dicey in here, so give me exactly one minute and then get the key from the door and head to the back." "He keeps the kief in a freezer in the grow room." "Wait, wait, wait." "Stop, I'm serious." "Fuck." "Fuck." "Oh, my God." "Oh, Jesus Christ." "Okay." "Okay." "All right." "Okay, okay." "Ain't a strip club, you fuck." "(door creaks)" "Thanks, brother man." "Everybody says your weed is the dank shit." "Yeah, well, everyone's right." "Time for you to get the fuck out." "Well, what about, you know, weed etiquette?" "What?" "You know, now I'm supposed to smoke you out with your own shit." "It's like weed tax." "Do I look like I need you to get me stoned?" "My God." "Looks like somebody poured snake blood in your eyeballs." "Thanks." "Maybe you could give me some advice?" "What?" "I bought some seeds online" " Oh!" " Moron!" "Never buy anything online." "(cackling on TV)" " ( cackling continues)" " Psycho Ed:" "This botanist in Portland knows how to make the most of what you got." "And where to grow." "Yo, could you print this out for me, bromeslice?" " ( Printer whirring ) - ( cackling continues)" "That's Paranoid." " Yo, why do they call you Paranoid?" " What?" "Why you wanna know, man?" "( Hip-hop music blaring )" "Yo, is that, like-- is that like an alarm or something?" "Timer." "( Coughs )" "I'm fully automated." "Oh, shit." "( Computer beeping )" "( music stops )" "Now piss off." "( Coughs )" "(dog growling )" "Shh... (dog barking )" " Breaux:" "What the hell is that?" " That's the alarm." "Ah." "Psycho Ed:" "He's got the deep beef." "You better not be fuckin' with me." "I told you not to fuck with me." "( Mutters )" "Hey, who the fuck are you, man?" " What, does ganja affect your hearing?" " What?" "I've been knocking for, like, five minutes." "I'll punch you in the head, man." "Who the fuck is this guy, bro?" " You told him your name?" " What?" " Huh?" " He's my-- he's my ride, my ride." "Uh, yeah." "Yeah, I'm his ride." "Come on, man, we gotta get the car back before my dad gets back." "He's a renegade cop with a power mullet." "Works the late shift, likes to shoot things." " Hey." " What?" "Hmm?" " Yo." " What?" " Frog:" "What?" " What?" "Frog:" "What?" "What?" "Yo, you woke my frog, cunt." "Frogs sleep?" " Both:" "What?" " Breaux:" "What?" " Both:" "What?" " Henry:" "What?" "Frog:" "What?" "Adios, muchacho." "Muchisimas gracias." "Hey, next time, leave Chong at home." " ( Thuds) - ( groans)" "Okay." "( coughing )" " Frog:" "What?" " What?" " Frog:" "What?" "What?" " Henry:" "Jesus fucking Christ." "Yo!" "G-G-Go!" "Go, go, go, go, go." " Who sent you?" "!" " Holy shit!" "(tires squealing)" "973 kids at least, two two-inch brownies apiece." "973 kids at least, two two-inch brownies apiece." "We're gonna need 42 boxes of brownie mix, 15 dozen eggs..." " Oh, shit!" " 11 bottles of canola oil, and" " Man:" "Hector, clean-up on aisle two." " Fuck." " Hey, these are on sale." " So what, man?" "These are the ones that taste good." "Wait, wait, wait." "This is white cake." "It's for me." " ( Pop music playing ) - ♪ Stained roads ♪" "♪ Opposite direction ♪" "♪ Hearts are feeling cold ♪" "♪ Minds are dejected ♪" "♪ We want the same things ♪" "♪ Not just for ourselves ♪" "♪ Created for me ♪" "♪ A personal hell... ♪" "(crowd cheering )" "♪ Take this ♪" "♪ Take this with you ♪" "♪ The two do not exist ♪" "♪ In conjunction... ♪" "Brandon:" "Dr. Gordon, the board members are here to see you." "This is the most important day of your life." "♪ Hold on to ♪" "♪ These ebbs and flows ♪" "♪ Please, please, please, don't let me... ♪" "Breaux:" "Move." "Dump them out, man." "We gotta go, quick." "Henry:" "No shit." "Breaux:" "Let's go." "Come on, we gotta move." " Henry:" "Shut up." " Quicker, quicker, quicker." "Let's go." " Henry:" "Okay." " Come on." " ♪ Don't cut me, cut me out ♪" " There's a car here." "Dr. Gordon:" "A shepherd must be held accountable for his sheep." "That is why I welcome the board's review of our new zero-tolerance policy on controlled substances." "Today, Morgan High is conducting its first ever student screening." "(all chanting) No drug tests!" "No drug tests!" "Brandon over PA:" "Greetings, fellow Patriots." "This is your assistant dean, Brandon." "Just a reminder that today is the annual end-of-the-year PTA bake sale with benefits going toward the band and track team to get new uniforms." "So don't count calories or carbs today." "You know I'm not." "♪ Necessity... ♪" "Today is the dawning of a new era here at Morgan." "And I, Dr. Leslie Gordon, give you my personal assurance that you will never, ever hear of another student from Morgan High being under the influence of any illicit drug ever again." "( Scattered applause )" "Punch?" "These are fuckin' good." "(school bell ringing )" "( clears throat)" "All right, kids, we're only gonna get a few more chances to do this this year, so here we go." "10, nine, eight" "I really don't like doing this-- seven, six-- this is not a test- five, four-." "Get to class." "Psycho Ed:" "But-- but was it" "Paranoid:" "Chicken quesadilla?" " ( Growls )" " What?" "( Plops )" "(yelling )" "(dogs barking )" "Shit." "Paranoid:" "What's the matter, man?" "I could fix you another one." "Yo, Edwin, you all right, man?" "Teacher:" "Chad, please take the roll sheet to the administration office." " Chad!" " What?" "What?" "What?" "The roll sheet to the office." "Oh, shit." "Just go." "Dana, Jeffrey, please read today's announcements." "Wha-- what?" "Edwin:" "I got webbed hands." "I" " I've never noticed that." "(school bell ringing )" "(crow cawing )" "What?" "Nurse:" "Name?" "Name!" "Uh..." "I have a nickname." "Finger." "Oh, and, um, Acorn Dick." "It's un-- it's unfortunate." "So which one do you want first?" "Man:" "Hands up." "Got any sharp objects?" "Needles?" "Nurse:" "Porta-Potty to your left." "Here is the plastic..." "Breaux:" "I like your-- your tats." "You're not on the Suicide Girls website, are you?" "Does this nurse look totally insectoid to you?" "Breaux:" "Thought I saw you on there." "I'll text you." "What the fuck, man?" "People are losing their shit right now." "According to-- according to "Stoner of the Year,"" "bud brownies are the most dangerous and terrifying inebriate." "The thing about them is you keep getting higher and higher." "It does not stop." "How much kief did you use, man?" "Uh, you know, a smidge, a shake, a Martha Stewart steeze." "Okay, I spilled it, all right?" "A shit-load." " All right" " Sebastian:" "Did you hear?" "Someone locked the PTA moms in the weight room." "Looks like Dean Gordon installed that new surveillance system just in time." "Oh, right, you wouldn't know." "I mean, I only know because, of course, you know, I tutor his son Mark and I overheard it." "Cameras everywhere." "It's an Orwellian wet dream." "( Mimics orgasm )" "(camera whirring )" " Henry, slow down." " We're going to jail." " Gordon caught us on camera." " We don't know that." " And even if he did, we can fix this." " Yeah?" "How?" "I don't know, the footage- we don't even know if they watched it." " We'll just fuckin' find it." " Dr. Gordon's son." "Let's go have a chat with that veining dildo." "Wait, no, no, no." "I can't." "I'm late for my first final." "Forget your final." "This is important." "You don't get it, man." "If I screw up my final, I'm just as fucked." "Okay, I'll find that pimply dipshit and then I'll text you." "All right." "Thanks, man." "I'ma tell you what hurts- having a daddy with glaucoma." "Old man couldn't see shit." "So I tried to score him, you know, an ounce of Chocolate Thai" "( marker squeaking )" "Teacher:" "Uh... (giggling )" "(teacher laughing )" "This is cra-- this is crazy." "We are proud to have awarded an academic scholarship to one of only three living human beings to have beaten the Carnegie Mellon Red One Supercomputer at chess:" "Edwin Hunter." "Elo rated as the third best chess player on the planet Earth." "It looks like Edwin will have the first move because he's white." "(clock ticking)" "I mean... the white pieces." "White always goes first." "I mean, that is-- the person with the white-- oh, look." "This pawn looks like my Uncle Neville's elongated nipple." " Rest in peace, you slut." " Music!" "Ahem." "Would you all like to listen to some music?" "Dude, the white judge- the white judge knocked me to the joint for 25 to life for some fuckin' sinsemilla, man." "We already heard that one, too, asshole." "Paranoid:" "Well, the world need to hear it, and they will in my book," ""Alcatrizaz."" "Shit." "( Band playing badly)" "That sounded like a wet fart." " Well, you'd know, incontinent slank." " ( gasps )" "What the hell is going on around this place?" "Is someone trying to sabotage me?" " Are you trying to bring me down?" " Jesus, no." "I've been paging you." "( Protesters chanting ) No drug tests!" "No drug tests!" "Hmm." "Batteries must have died." "Sir, we've had an unusual number of students and faculty complaining of... confusion and-- and dizziness." "I haven't been feeling so sweet myself, so I was thinking that maybe it was a gas leak, so I called in an emergency..." "work... thingy." " I want answers." "Brainstorm this thing." " ( crowd yelling)" "There he is!" "What about our children's right to privacy?" " No unlawful search and seizure." " Yeah, fuck you!" " Fuck you!" " Man:" "Who do you think you are?" "!" " Charlyne:" "Oh, fuck, man." " ( car door closes)" "Psycho Ed:" "Ah, shit." " Hey." " What?" "You made me drop my ice cream." "Why the fuck would you be eating it like that on a day like today?" "Because it tastes ambrosian when I'm buttstonked, but don't tell the cops that when they arrive." "I'm on probation for a misdemeanor possession charge." " What?" " Shit." "You didn't think about gettin' no fuckin' Slurpee, kid?" "You like Slurpees, don't you?" " Psycho Ed:" "Who me?" " No, the" "Man:" "Oh, man." "(groaning )" " Fuck." " What?" " What?" " Shit." " Fuck." " Charlyne:" "What?" " Fuck." " Paranoid and Charlyne:" "What?" " What?" " Fuck." "Charlyne:" "What?" "!" " Get the fuck out of here." " ( engine starts)" " Boy:" "I'm melting!" " Martin." " ( Giggles )" " How many brownies did you eat?" " 14?" " Jesus H. Christ." "Henry:" "Martin, look at me." "( Distorted voices ) You are really stoned right now, man." "You look like you're about to summit Mt." "Zion." "We'll tell your daddy." "( echoing )" "You could get expelled, little man." "Where do they record the security footage?" " ( Gagging )" " Huh?" "Huh?" " Come on, man." " Give the fuckin' milk." "Tell us, Martin, and you get the milk." "In the library, in-- in the back room." " My daddy has the keys." " Okay, okay, okay." "If you speak a word of this to anyone and I'll make sure what you're feeling right now is permanent." "I'm the pope of dope." "I can make that happen." "Maybe I just dosed the milk you just downed with high-grade liquid acid." "( Normal voice) Keep your mouth shut, homes." "Well, did you?" "!" "(yelling )" "( laughter )" "Boy:" "Die, Leonard!" "Die!" " ( Dr. Gordon clears throat)" " Boy:" "I'm gonna murder you!" "Dr. Gordon:" "Perhaps you'd like some lunch?" "This is great, man." "How are we supposed to get the keys from him?" "Are you joking?" "I wanna see what it looks like when someone is murdered." " Ah!" " ( Brandon laughing)" "What if we could unlock the surveillance room without even going near Dr. Gordon?" "How, man?" "How?" "( Rock music playing )" "♪ Watch out, here we go again ♪" "♪ Just say my name and I will bend ♪" "♪ I'll kill you with my words ♪" "♪ And I'll kill you with mine... ♪" "Breaux:" "Gordon's a psycho." "He canceled his wife's gym membership because he thought she was fucking her trainer, but gave her a spare set of keys so she could work out here." "Must keep in shape with all the sport fucking she does." " Wait, what?" " She's a cougar, dipshit." "A fucking coug." "What school have you been going to?" "Everybody's fucked her, man." " I-I haven't." " Well, everyone but you." " You haven't." " Everyone but us." " The Daves?" " Shut the fuck up, all right!" "It's a breeze." "I go out there, I distract her" "Wait, let me guess, let me guess." "While-- while I commit another felony, sneak into the men's locker room, and then bing, bang, boom, and we dip." " Exactly." " Right." "You grab the keys from her purse while we're having sex." "What?" "♪ Just say my name and I will bend ♪" "♪ With mine. ♪" "(screams)" "Mind if I turn up the heat?" "Wha-- what do you-- what do you think you're doing?" "Having a hell of a day." "Thought I'd chill the fuck out in the pool." "You know, get out of here." "Get out of here before you get yourself into some serious trouble, young man." "Okay?" "I won't tell if you won't." "Look, how the hell did you get in here?" " Hmm?" " I'm" " I'm into you." "Seriously, I'm down." "I'm calling the police." "(Jamaican accent) You shut your blood clat, Mommy." "What do you tink I came in here for?" "What did you just say?" "Let me peep them Babylons, you ras-clat." "All right, listen, you little bastard." "I'm gonna have you arrested so fast that your head will spin." " Do you understand me?" " I ain't scared of no 5-0." " Why are you talking like that?" " What?" " Girl:" "Oh, yeah - ( giggling)" "(girls chatting)" "(cell phone beeping, animal growling)" " Girl:" "What is that?" " Girl #2:" "What?" " ( Chiming and growling continue)" " Girl #2:" "Oh, I hear it." "Girl:" "How weird." "ls someone here?" "Girl #2:" "Hello?" "Let's stop this." "Girl:" "Amanda?" "Girl #2:" "Hello?" "Henry: "Jizz coming out of my Johnson..."" " Girl #2:" "That's just creepy." " Girl:" "I definitely hear somebody." "Henry:" ""Hog in your mud..."" "Henry:" "Administration office?" " Girl:" "Pass the towel." " Girl #2:" "No." " Huh, that was weird." " Yeah." "I can drive tonight if you want." "Fuck, yeah!" "You were like the star of your own ninja porno back there-  "Enter the Cougar." - ( laughing )" " Breaux:" "Watch this, biatch." " There's the old sense of humor." "He's holding out on us, man." "I know it." "Fucking notebook?" "Español." "What the hell is this shit?" "Need to freshen up a bit." "This is gonna get ugly." "A case can be made that things have already gotten pretty ugly, Edward." "You read my mind, man." "How you be doing that fuckin' shit?" " ( Groans )" " You guys better wait here." " Gladly." " Fuckin' weirdos." "Paranoid:" "Don't-- don't-- don't make no eye contact." "They've got laser blades." "They can reset your brain." "Thanks for the warning." "Flies in the web." "Yeah, we got 'em." "Reel 'em." "Big Dave:" "Okay, where's my piss pump?" "We have to rig that shit up before we get chi-chi faced." "Here." "This one has a black prosthetic dick, asshole." " What if they take a look, man?" " Maybe you just have a tan cock." "Give me your cock." " Looks Latino." " ( zipper zings)" "Little Dave:" "Fine, take that cock." "I'll wear your black shriveled dick." "(stomach growling )" "Big Dave:" "Wait." "Let's make sure there are no motherfuckers in here listening." "Henry:" "I'm a surveillance room key." "What do I look like?" "Move Neville's nipple or suck on it already, biatch." " Try them again." " I did, man, all of them." "Twice." "This must be the door." "So where's the fuckin' key?" "Sebastian:" "What's poppin' off, gentlemen?" " Care for a bite, Henry?" " Uh, no, thanks." " I'm, uh, fasting." " Oh, well, that's a shame." "I've heard they're delicious." "Too bad chocolate reminds me of human feces." " Weird day, isn't it?" " It's high school." "Everyday is weird." "See you, Sebastian." "I found a dumpster full of brownies." "I ask you." "Why would someone wanna throw away so many perfectly good brownies?" " ( Henry vomiting )" " You should have a brownie." " Pure THC kills nausea." " Henry:" "Fuck off, Doctor." " ♪ I am the walrus!" "♪" " Boy:" "Coo coo ca choo." "(toilet flushes )" "We should get this whole school high more often." " More often?" " Yeah, on a scale between a prostate exam and a reggae festival, it's somewhere around giving your mother multiple orgasms." "What kind of scale is that?" "You know, you find this really fuckin' funny, don't you?" "This could really tarnish your .65" "GPA." "I mean, your bright future is totally hanging in the balance, Breaux." "Yeah, I" " I do have plans, for your information." "The Daves and I, we wanna travel, learn to play the sitar, and then eventually settle somewhere else." "Maybe Nicaragua." "You know, and I" " I know buying land out there can be pretty sketchy because the government can pretty much jack it whenever they want, but fuck it, right?" "Wow, man." "It's a hell of a plan, really." "Oh, shit." " What?" " Hi." "Where is it?" "It's, uh-- it's gone." "It's gone, man." "What?" "That's impossible." "Where is it?" "There was enough kief to get this whole fucking school high." "( Boys whimpering )" "You sick, twisted fucks." "( laughs)" "You did get the whole school high." "( laughs)" "Now-- now, that's just the most mental thing I've ever seen." "(all laughing)" "But you pinched the wrong man's load." "Okay, okay, we'll pay you back." "We'll pay it back, okay?" " You don't have enough." " There's cameras, there's cameras." "There's cameras?" "!" " Oh, shit!" "Oh, shit!" " There's cameras?" "Where's the camera?" "Where's the camera?" "Where's the camera?" "Where's the camera?" "Huh?" "Huh?" "Where's the camera?" "Where's the camera?" "Is that a camera?" " No, no." "No, no, no." "Okay." " Oh. shit." "You think I give a fuck about cameras?" "The bake sale-- they're raising money." " How much?" " I don't know!" "I don't know!" "I don't know." "We'll pay it back, we'll pay it back." " We'll find it." " I want it in an hour." " Two hours." " What the fuck?" "Two hours." "Please, please." "That'll get you till the end of the day." "And then we're gonna have a very serious talk." " Huh?" " Okay" okay. okay" " ( Henry puking)" " Does this happen to you a lot?" "Henry:" "What the fuck are we gonna do about that freak Sebastian" "Henry:" "What the fuck are we gonna do about that freak Sebastian and Dr. Gordon's surveillance footage?" "Breaux:" "Fuck that." "Let's worry about staying out of the morgue first, then jail." " What?" " We find the bake sale cash box and we pay off Psycho Ed." "And we have a whole two hours." " Right." " "Thank you, Breaux."" "Right, which gives us till about 10 after 12." "Fuck!" "No, I can't." "I've got my computer skills final." "All right, I'll fuckin' deal." "Go be a superstar." "There's tape on the keys." " How am I supposed to type?" " Dana:" "It's a final, you 'tard." "You're not supposed to see the keys." "I think." "Miss Unger?" "Hello?" "Hello." "I was just drawing a picture of my cat Bryan." "I named him after Bryan Adams." "All right, let's take a test." "Boy, he's a very sexy singer." "I used to pretend that my glass dildo was, in fact, Mr. Adams' erect" " glass-encased member..." " ( couple moaning) because the forest wizard had turned him to glass, of course." "So only the moistened walls of the village witch could return him to human form." "Was that out loud or did I just think that?" "Isn't this the administration office?" "No, it isn't." "It is my classroom." "(bell chimes)" " I think." " Are you fucking with me?" "Excuse me, is that the attendance list I gave you this morning?" "(cell phone buzzing )" "( door opens, closes )" "Henry:" "You're positive Sharky left the cash box in Gordon's office?" " Yeah." "Look, the money's in there." " Cool, cool." " So where's Sharky now?" " No, no, come on!" "Horny man, I need your magical, geek power brain to be focused for this." "No, man." "Fuck that." "I got the keys out of the women's locker room, man." " This one's yours." " That was simple." "I had to tame a cougar." "This is the administration office." "Yeah, you're the career criminal, man." " This should be, like, easy for you." " Right." "You're right." "L" " I'm, you know, suspicious." "And you, you're the straight-arrow, tight-ass geek." "Oh, so maybe I should smoke weed all day and I wouldn't have to do any hard work." "Yeah, well, maybe I should get some straight As and hang out with some flip-flop floobie-doos who eat glue." "Yeah, there's a minimum IQ requirement to be in the auto club." "Is there a minimum vagina requirement to be in the IQ club?" "No." "All right, we're gonna have to clear the office." "( Gasps ) Oh, fuck!" "This is intense." "Shit." " There you are." " Mom?" "Oh, my God." "Dude, how blazed are you two?" "You tried to hold out on us, you fuck." "Oh, shit." " Just tell my mom I love her, man." " You tell her yourself." " No, man." " Breaux:" "Pull it together." "Little Dave, you know that stunt you've been yammering about?" " Yeah." " Yeah, well, now would be perfect." "Little Dave:" "Why now?" "We dosed the whole school." "We need a distraction." "( Fa rt$ )" " Teacher:" "That sounded weird." " Boys:" "What?" "Frog:" "What?" " ( Breaux grunting )" " Daves:" "Oh!" "Big Dave over PA:" "May I have your attention, please?" "Witness the death-defying stunt never before attempted." "Little Dave Klein is gonna jump off the library balcony on his motherfuckin' skateboard!" "Yeah!" "( Chatter )" "Boy:" "The balcony." " Big Dave:" "Go for it, Dave." " Girl:" "It's suicide!" " Let's check it out!" " Let's roll this shit." " Whoo!" " ( crowd gasps)" "Yeah!" "Big Dave:" "Whoa!" "Oh!" "Whoa!" "Yes!" "(crowd cheering, applauding )" "That was some "Faces of Death" shit, homes." " I can feel skin flapping." " What?" "Seriously, I think I've ripped my sack, man." "Dr. Gordon:" "I should have tenured at Stanford." "( Door opens )" "Tameka?" " Tameka!" " I'm sorry." "There was an incident." "Here's your coffee." " I'm so sorry?" " Thank you." "Is there anything else, sir?" " The gas man is waiting" " No, I'm finished." "Actually, there is one small thing I'd like you to take care of, Tameka." "Oh, yes." "Yes, there is." "(grunting )" " ( phone ringing ) - ( hisses, grunts)" " Brandon:" "The cops are coming." " What?" " They're on their way." " The police?" " Yes!" " No, t-tell them" " that's everything's under control." " That's not gonna work." "Oh, God damn it!" "I'll be right there." "(cheering. applause)" " Yeah!" " Big Dave:" "Live the moment!" "Live it!" "Fuck." "I lost count." "Fuckin' singles." "$2.403." " That's a start." " Wait, a start?" " You said if we got you the money" " I said that it will buy you till the end of the day." "This shit ain't even remotely close to the street value." "How much?" " 50." " Thousand?" "Psycho Ed:" "No, cents, stupid." "50 fucking thousand." "US." "Let's call it 49, since I like you guys, huh?" "You're both fuckin' nuts." "Huh?" " I'll be waiting in the parking lot." " So you're just leaving, then?" "You don't see what's going on here?" "You don't see what we're up against?" "We could use a psychoism fiend with a lot of green and you're turning your back on us." " ( Door closes)" " Go take care of yourself, Ed." "Guess it's what you're best at." "( Yells ) I'm not fucking around!" "The money or you're both marked, man." "Weed legends or not." "Julia:" "We're live at the prestigious Morgan High School where a group of angry parents are protesting the school's decision" " to drug test" " Who are you?" " We're with Channel 5 News." " That thing's on?" "Yes, we're live right now." "What would you like to say to Headmaster Gordon?" " Is he watching?" " If he were watching." "What do you mean "were"?" "W-Was he watching?" " Is this the past?" " Man:" "Cut the feed." "Is that that same school?" "Brandon:" "The gas company dude says that it's not a gas leak." "We're checking the cafeteria for salmonella." "I mean, what else could it be, huh?" " Asbestos?" " Those are the wrong symptoms, okay?" "This is-- this is more psychological." "It's kind of like God's eye watching itself." " ( Door opens)" " Jesus!" "Why is everyone acting like a bunch of baboons?" "Yeah, I don't know." "It's-- it's nuts, but we're having a choice brainstorming session just like you asked." "No one leaves this place until we identify this problem." "Think, people!" "This thing is out of control!" "We have to shut it down!" "( Huffs)" " What?" "Hey." " ( Dr. Gordon yells)" "( laughing )" "Just think, you did that." "How's that for an accomplishment?" "Right?" "Oh, come on." "Look, it's not like he's irreparably damaged or anything." " Leave me alone, Breaux." " He's gonna be fine." "I am sick of your pathological optimism." "My life is in the shit-house because of you." "I didn't put a gat to your dome." "You smoked that fatty." "You puffed down." "You got high." "You got you into this, you judgmental hypocrite." "And to think I did all this bullshit to try and help you." "I never had a single thing to lose, dumb-ass." "Yeah, man, you don't need to tell me you didn't have anything to lose." "Everybody knows that." "You know why we stopped being homies, Henry?" "Come on, man." "It's when your dad left your mom." "And that puts you in the same place as me." "And having that thought in your skull scared the shit out of you, didn't it?" "That suddenly your life could be anything like mine." " That's not true, man." " Fuck you." "You don't believe that truth, then fuck you." "Go ahead, give up, because I'm not done yet." "But I am sick and tired of your candy-ass whining when fuckin' one door separates us from that footage." " And you can't" " Man, even if we could get in there" "I mean, even if we could destroy the footage" "I mean, what about Psycho Ed?" "Man, where are we gonna get $50,000?" "Sebastian:" "Who is Psycho Ed?" "Suck my wispy left nut, Sebastian." "You don't know shit." "Uh uh uh." "I know that you two got the student body and the faculty high on marijuana brownies, all because you didn't wanna risk screwing up your finals and losing valedictorian to me." "And I know that five minutes from now," "Dr. Gordon will know as much himself." "If you say a word to anybody, there's gonna be an 13-7 up in this bitch." " You feel me?" " ( grunts )" " Ah!" "Okay, okay." "Ow!" " What do you want, Sebastian?" " Ow." "Okay, okay." "Fuck!" " What should have been mine." "And once you're exposed," " I'll have it." " Breaux:" "Okay." "Ow!" "Ow!" "Sebastian, I'll throw my English final." "If I fail it, you're valedictorian." "Sebastian:" "When you're expelled," "I'm valedictorian anyway, asshole." "By default." "But if I fail, you win by beating my GPA, by earning it in the eyes of everyone else." "Fine." "If you fail, Henry, my lips are sealed." "Yes!" "Mr. Thompson:" "Do you people even realize the significance of the Boston Tea Party?" "I mean, think about it-- it was tea." "A mere beverage." "It's like the beverage gave the oppressed people... leverage." "Beverage." " Say it with me, come on." "Beverage." " Class:" "Beverage." " Be-ver-age, you know-- - ( students repeating )" "Lick it real slowly, like... like it was the nipple," " the teat of your own mother." " Students:" "Beverage." "Mr. Thompson:" "Beverage." "Ooh!" "(giggles. moans)" "A sort of lurid chill goes up and down my spine." "Don't stop!" "Please, don't stop!" " Beverage." "Beverage." " ( students continue repeating )" "Beverage." "Beverage." "Beverage." "Nurse:" "Excuse me." "ls there a Mr. Henry Burke?" "You haven't visited us yet, Mr. Burke." "Can I borrow him for five minutes, please?" "Say beverage." "Nice and slow." " Beverage." " What the shit?" " Students:" "Beverage." " Beverage, that's it." " Beverage." "Beverage." " ( students continue repeating )" "Thanks." "All right, turn around." "Arms up." "Any needles?" "Sharp objects?" " All right." " What's this right here?" "Oh, it's your penis." "Sorry about that." "Man:" "Where have I felt this before?" "Miss Unger:" "Campus Stadium, best Dead concert ever." "I toasted one just before they opened with "US Blues."" "You were there, too?" "You remember when we heard that it was gonna rain?" "And everybody joined hands, young and old," " and we sang that rain away." " We just sang it away." "( laughs)" "Brandon:" "Fuck me." " Whoa." " ( Miss Unger laughing)" "We are all buttstonked." "Miss Unger:" "Nuh-uh." "Brandon:" "The sticky green." " The cannabis sativa." " ( laughing )" "The sinsemilla!" "( laughing )" "But how does someone get the entire school roasted?" "Oh, I" " I got it, I got it." "I got it." "No, I lost it." "I lost it." " ( Snickers )" " I lost it." " ( All snickering)" " I had it." "( Snorts ) You're useless." "(cackling )" " ( laughing continues)" " Wait, wait." "Welcome back." " Woman:" "Oh, heart." " Man:" "Holy shit, that scared me." "Tameka, it's Brandon!" "Quarantine the brownies and send one away to get tested, okay?" "Okay." "Oh, and bring me a box of Cheez-Its." "( Burps ) All right, thanks." "Hey, Brandon, how does a brownie take a test?" "(all laughing)" "Brandon over PA:" "Attention." "Can you hear me?" "Hello, this is Brandon." "Um, all uneaten brownies need to be brought to the administration offices." "Oh, no." "Brandon:" "They have been contaminated, so, please, don't eat them." "Please?" "Don't-- don't." "There is no need to panic." "Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck." "Okay?" " Everything is rad." " ( turns off PA)" "( chatter )" "Mr. Burke, first time late, ever" "(chatter, laughter)" "Ah, well, it appears you've all had a pleasant lunch." " The salmon was boss." " And the brownies were to die for." "So moist, so delicious." "Oh, my." "Shit." "This is a private meeting room." "You're fuckin' with me." "Aren't you?" "I'm" "( sniffles )" "I just" " I didn't expect it to be so sad." "All those books, all that fire, I" " Are you done with that?" " Boy:" "Oh, yeah, go for it." " Clean yourself up, Miss Tombs." " Fuck you." "Oh, my God." "(crying )" "Dr. Gordon?" "Brandon wanted me to tell you that all the marijuana brownies" " have been quarantined." " ( grunts )" "Man:" "Um, what does she mean?" "(awkward laugh )" "Um, there's been an incident, but everything's under control, I assure" "The brownies we just ate?" "They were more than likely, uh, tainted with, ahem, marijuana." "Yes, I" " I think you're right." "Do you all feel that?" "It's kind of like my soul were swimming within my own flesh." "( Chuckles ) It's rousing." "I think I just came." "Teacher:" "Next up" " Mr. Burke." "Um, "To be or not to be" " "Shakespeare's great question to his character Hamlet, his great challenge to his audience in 1600 and today, over 400 years later." "Hamlet, huh?" "What a fuckin' pussy." "I mean, I didn't even read it." "I just Netflixed the DVD with that "Mad Max" douche-bag in it, but his uncle iced his father, right?" "Popped an 13-7 up in that motherfucker and he's talking to ghosts and shit?" "All like, "Daddy, Daddy, what am I gonna do?" "What am I gonna do?"" "I mean, bitch, grow a pair of clackers and snap out of it." "I mean, clearly this dude needs some help." "Sad thing is every time I think about Hamlet, I think about myself" "too-- too cautious, too deliberate, planned perfection." "I'm reaching for the unreachable, something that, quite honestly, I don't think is there." "And I get caught up in the bullshit of trying to be perfect." "I forget about what's right in front of me, like the-- like the other aspects of my life." "My mom's gonna love me whether or not I go to MIT." "And, you know, being valedictorian is not that big a deal, really." "I mean, it may seem important now, but in 10 years, you know, that's just gonna be shit that made me miss the other moments, the stuff I wanted to do but I talked myself out of," "stuff my heart wants but logic would trip over like grabbing life by the balls and going after the girl I always thought was hot." "She's too hot for me." "So what's the point?" "When you want so hard for it to be and it's just not to be, there's nothing you can do about it." "Uh, so anyway..." "Hamlet's a punk-ass bitch and Shakespeare's massively overrated." "(grunting )" "Oh, shit." "(class applauding, cheering )" "Oh, fuck." " ( Door opens)" " Sharky:" "Yo, Henry." "( Door closes )" "I'll go out with you, dude." "Yeah." "Okay." "Well, that's all I wanted to say." "♪ There's a lot of lies ♪" "♪ I'd like to get out of my head... ♪" "(speaking foreign language)" "Jesus." "You're not sayin' that because you're high as fuck right now, right?" "High as fuck right now?" "♪ Out of my head... ♪" " We all are." " ♪ Out of my head... ♪" "(crowd cheering )" "♪ Out of my head. ♪" "Hey, I thought we had a deal." "You know what?" "You can go fuck yourself, you warped piece of shit." "Bravo, Henry." "(clapping )" "Salutatorian's a pretty big deal, too." "( Sebastian hissing )" "Dr. Gordon:" "Tameka, have Brandon pull up the surveillance footage from the gym this morning and summon Travis Breaux and Henry Burke to my office." " ( Hissing )" " Oh, and put on afresh pot of coffee." "( Hissing stops )" " Ahh." " Tameka:" "Right away, Dr. Gordon, but" "Dr. Gordon:" "No buts, Tameka." "Except yours in my face, you fuckin'" "( murmuring )" "Tameka:" "It's just that Travis Breaux is already here to see you, sir." "♪ I know you're livin' life in a hurry ♪" "♪ So afraid to take it slow." "'cause reality is scary... ♪" "Tameka over PA:" "Henry Burke, please report to the administration office." "Henry Burke, please report to the administration office." "Shit!" "Where the fuck is the administration office, man?" "♪ Ooh, oh, how the hell did shit get so real?" "♪" " ( Humming ) - ♪ It's hard for me to deal ♪" "♪ Sometimes I just sit and think, I thought it would be... ♪" "I've never felt so good in my life!" "It feels so good!" "It feels so good to be alive and an assistant dean!" "♪ I swear I never felt so alive... ♪" " Sunshine!" "Oh!" " ( phone ringing )" " Talk to me, Goose." " Man:" "Goose?" " It's me." "I've got the video up." " Bitchin'." "So I'm just gonna burn a copy and bring it up to Dr. Gordon's office, then." "No, wait-- no." "No, no, no." "Make a copy, don't burn it" "Make a copy and then bring it to Dr. Gordon's office." "Don't burn it." "Idiot." "Tameka over PA:" "Henry Burke, please report to the administration office immediately." " Aw, shit!" " Busted." " What do we do?" " Hide the rest of the evidence." "Where did we leave it?" "Tameka: "Tameka." "Oh, Tameka, I need my coffee." "Black, extra sugar."" "Choke on it, motherfucker." "Just set it down." "My lord, that's fucking good coffee." "(cell phone buzzing )" "Big day for you, Mr. Breaux?" "Yes?" "Yes." "Fuck!" " ( Doors burst open )" " Girls:" "Whoa!" "Hey!" "Just so you know, I have surveillance footage being brought over here right now, footage that caught you and all your demonic acts in plain view-- you and our valedictorian, Mr. Burke." "Henry has nothing to do with this." "So, you admit that you did?" "Normally, discipline is a passive exercise for me." "On rare occasion I do relish it." "I must admit that when you go down, and... (chuckles) believe me, you will go down hard for this," "I will consider it one of the highlights of my career-- nay, my life." "( Helicopter blades whirring )" "Henry:" "Oh, no, helicopters." "(yelling )" "Nurse:" "What?" "What is he doing?" "What's wrong with that kid?" "I'll admit I'm no gem of a student, and for whatever stress I've put my teachers through over the years," "I'm genuinely sorry, but there's something worse than a kid who breaks the rules, fucks around, tokes down on a bit of hakeem marijuolajuwon now and again." "A middle-aged pimp who pretends to be the judge of all that is right and good in the world." "What happened to you?" "Did you fail miserably somewhere along the lines as a husband?" "A parent?" "You think that if you purify your Morgan High Kingdom of Nastiness, you somehow purify yourself?" "Is that it?" "Well, the answer is... no." "What the shit?" "!" "What are you doing?" "Get-- get out of the van!" " What?" " Get out of my fuckin' van!" "You broke the law, you dosed the entire faculty and student body with hazardous amounts of THC, and you are going to jail, Breaux, where you belong." " ( Engine starts)" " Oh. hell..." "What the shit?" "You get the fuck out of my van!" "Whoa!" "Fuck!" "Oh, fuck!" "Oh!" "(nurse yelling)" "Oh, piss is on me!" "(tires screeching )" "My God, he is good." "Checkmate, Navaline." "Checkmate." "You should see your face right now." "You look like my cat," "Dolly." "Just as we pierced her abscess sans nitrous oxide." "You prick." "(grunts)" "(Zapping )" "Tick, tick, tick." "( Sizzling )" "(mimics gunshot)" "( Dr. Gordon clears throat)" "Are the police here, God damn it?" "They're on their way." "Time seems to be moving very slowly." "(sighs)" "Jesus fucking Christ." " ( Crowd yelling) - ( electric crackling )" "Aw, hell, no." " What?" " What?" " ( Frog echoing ) What?" " What?" " What?" " What?" "(cell phone buzzing )" "Dr. Gordon:" "Wha" "(chanting )" "( police radio chatter)" "Tameka, have any more of that coffee?" "Oh, yeah, I should score some of that." "You already drank all the coffee, sir." "Brandon:" "Damn!" " Going to a Huey Lewis concert?" " Why?" "Is he on tour again?" " ( Knocking on door)" " Dr. Gordon:" "Entrez-vous." "Sorry about the delay." "Something weird happened to the ray drive." "Luckily, though, I was able to make a back-up before everything crashed." "Perfect." "Go on, show it to us." "If a picture is worth 1,000 words, then this footage should be worth 1,000 pictures, which would equal a million... words." "Dr. Gordon:" "Uh, Tameka, bring the Johnson file." " Wait, this isn't" " Dr. Gordon on TV:" "Shut the door." "(groans)" " Tameka:" "Where would you like it?" " The filing cabinet, please." " Malcolm, what's going on around here?" " I'll show you where I'd like it." " Tameka:" "What is-- what-- stop it!" " Sweetie, it's all right." "Dr. Gordon, get off!" "That's my underwear, Dr. Gordon." " What are you doing?" " Stupid elastic." "God damn it." " Get-- get off of me!" " Daddy wants some chocolate!" "Motherfucker, this ain't "Monster's Ball!"" " Dr. Gordon, get off!" "Get off!" " Talk to me, baby!" "I don't understand the" " I" " This is preposterous!" " Tameka:" "Back up!" "You want your nuts stapled together?" "Is that what you want?" " No, no." " What is wrong with you?" "What the fuck?" " I'm" " I'm" " Motherfucker, you ain't Billy Bob" " just 'cause you have a porn stash." " What?" " Never do that-- never do that again." " I promise I won't, Tameka." "You don't understand." "My wife has crabs." " Ooh." " I can't help it." "I'm" "You two, you can go now." "Wait!" "I've still got your piss." "I've got your pisses." "If there's so much as an errant molecule, you will have to spend the rest of your lives sans a high school diploma." "Psycho Ed:" "That's assuming inculpatory facts not in evidence." "Reveal your identity, sir." " Shit, it's a trap." " What?" "The police put a transmitter in my teeth." "I'm Edward Esquire, cheese-dick." "And it violates "Katz v United States," 1964, when the Supreme Court set the standards for reasonable expectations of privacy." "Certainly, one could argue that piss is highly private." "Furthermore, any statements by you regarding these two little assholes won't stand up in court because you're blind off your gourd on really high-caliber mari-hoo-hoo, bro." "(inhales, clicks tongue)" "Drug test his ass, man." "Would you agree to submit to a drug test, sir?" ". L.." " Tameka:" "For the record, he made it very clear he didn't have any of the brownies." "Wha-- honey-pie." "Would you agree to kiss my hairy sack?" "If you wanna sue this prick for workplace sexual harassment or, uh, score a chronic sack of doobies, just, you know, page me." "Uh, Mr. Esquire?" "Can I have a card?" "Did he molest you, too?" " Brandon:" "In my mind." " Psycho Ed:" "That's nasty, dude." "Thanks." "Dr. Gordon, what do you have to say to the parents outside?" "My-- my balls feel all tingly." " ( Gasping)" " Hi, son." " Hi." " Fuck you." "Dr. Gordon:" "Oh, how pleasant." "Dispatcher: 10-4." "Principal is in custody, transporting back to station." "Dr. Gordon:" "Take it easy!" "Oh, I don't like that." "My colon." "Oh, my spastic colon!" "Dr. Gordon:" "Hey, you bastards!" "(sirens blaring )" "(crowd cheering )" "We should, uh, you know, kick it again sometime." "Come on, man." " ( Mocking ) Be somebody." " Oh." "(Jamaican accent) Be somebody." " Yeah, that's what I said." " No, no." " Be somebody." " Be somebody." " Be somebody." " Got to-- got to be somebody." "Twing, twing." "Henry:" "Weed done finally kicked in, man." "Breaux:" "Yo, that's some four-dimensional shit." "Where the fuck is the administration office?" "Are you fucking with me?" " What?" " What?" "( Pop music playing )" "( rock music playing )" "Mr. Thompson:" "Beverage, beverage." " ( Groans )" " Students:" "Beverage, beverage." "( Clears throat) Class dismissed." " ( laughter, clapping )" " Director:" "Cut."