"Guardian of the universe." "Protecting us against the forces of evil." "The superpowers of this man..." "He can catch a bullet, halt a speeding train." "And leap tall buildings in a single bound." " Up in the sky..." " Is it a bird?" "A mailman by day..." "City's guardian by night." "Defending the citizens of New York from the forces of evil." "The world has been protected by a group of extraordinary men and women who have dedicated themselves to fighting crime." "Mysterious traveler from another dimension." "He has powers far beyond the capabilities of mere earthlings." "I always wondered why nobody did it before me." "I mean, all those comic books, movies, TV shows, you'd think that one eccentric loner would have made himself a costume." "I mean, is everyday life really so exciting?" "Are schools and offices so thrilling that I'm the only one who ever fantasized about this?" "Come on, be honest with yourself." "At some point in our lives, we all wanted to be a superhero." "That's not me, by the way." "That's some Armenian guy with a history of mental health problems." "Who am I?" "I'm Kick-Ass." "That's me, back before any of this crazy shit happened." "I guess I was the last person you'd expect to become a superhero." "I'm not saying there was anything wrong with me, but there was nothing special, either." " Asshole." " I wasn't into sports." "I wasn't a mathlete or a hardcore gamer." "I didn't have a piercing or an eating disorder or 3,000 friends on MySpace." "My only superpower was being invisible to girls." "And out of my friends, man, I wasn't even the funny one." "Like most people my age, I just existed." "Good morning, class." "Please open your books to Act 2, Scene 2." "Kick in my bedroom door, and you'd probably find me watching TV or talking to my friend Todd on Skype..." " Are you watching Family Guy?" " Nope." "Me, either." "Check out nippleslip." "Com." "It's good." "...or jerking off, mostly to my English teacher." "Dave Lizewski." "Don't think I haven't noticed you looking at my tits, Dave." "I want your hands all over me, Dave." "Please." "Sure, a lot of what got me through the average school day was making deposits in the whack-off warehouse for later." "Though to be honest, it didn't take much to set me off." "I swear, when my hormones balance out, shares in Kleenex are gonna take a dive, man." "Dave Lizewski, shouldn't you be looking at Hamlet right now?" "Yes, Mrs. Zane." "I'm sorry." "But don't get me wrong." "I like girls my own age, too." "Especially Katie Deauxma." "Hey, gorgeous." "Hey." "Oh, no." "You meant Erika." "I know." "I knew that." "I was just kidding." "Okay, cool." "Oh, my God." "Hey." "Look, I'm Todd's mom." "That's funny." "This is your dad." "No, that's still my mom, actually." "What the fuck!" "I was just a regular guy." "No radioactive spiders, no refugee status from a doomed alien world." "You know what?" "Todd said they do still make Count Chocula." "They just don't sell it at the store anymore." "My mother was killed by an aneurism in the kitchen..." " Mom?" "... as opposed to a gunman in the alley." "So if you were hoping for any," ""I will avenge you, Mother!"" "You're out of luck." "In the 18 months since my mother died, the only epiphany I had was realizing that life just goes on." "Did they change the bee's face?" "No." "How come nobody's ever tried to be a superhero?" "Boy, I don't know." "Probably 'cause it's fucking impossible, dipshit." "What, putting on a mask and helping people?" "How's that impossible?" "That's not superhero, though." "How is that super?" "Super's like being stronger than everybody and flying and shit." "That's just hero." "No, it's not even hero." "It's just fucking psycho." "Hello?" "Bruce Wayne?" "He didn't have any powers." "Yes, but he had all the expensive shit that doesn't exist." "I thought you meant, like, "How come nobody does it in real life?"" "Yeah, Todd, that's what I meant." "Dude, if anybody did it in real life, they'd get their ass kicked." " They'd be dead in, like, a day." " A day." "Yeah, okay, I'm not saying they should do it." "I just can't figure out why nobody does." "Seriously, out of all the millions of people who love superheroes, you'd think one would give it a try." "Jesus, guys, does it not bug you?" "Why thousands of people wanna be Paris Hilton and nobody wants to be Spider-Man?" "Yeah, what's with that?" "She has, like, no tits at all." "Maybe it's the porn tape." "He doesn't have a porn tape." "You guys never saw One Night in Spider-Man?" "Guess who?" "Is it me or do you kind of feel sorry for Chris D'Amico?" "Yeah, it must be terrible to have a rich dad and everything you want." "I wish you wouldn't have said anything" " 'cause I feel like I'm gonna start crying." " Right." "The fact that he's always on his own?" "We should, like, talk to him." "See if he wants to hang out with us." "I didn't say we should talk to him." "I just..." "Think about it." "Come on, it'd be awesome." "If he was our friend, no one would ever fuck with us again." "Well, go on then, Todd." "You wanna..." " I can get up." " No, no..." " You wanna go talk to him?" "I can move." " Dave..." "Dave should go." " Dave should go." " Why?" " Dave, you should totally go." " Go." " You're a dick." " Don't be afraid, Dave." "You're a pussy." "Fuck off." "Did you spray anything over there?" "Yeah, I think I might have just shat in my pants a little." " See you later." " God, see you." "If that guy would have spoken to me like that, I would have kicked his ass." "Todd, when have you ever kicked anyone's ass?" "Whatever, man." "I would have just gone for his knees." " You're not making sense." " What I'm saying is the centrifugal force of Batman's batarang would undoubtedly penetrate the Joker's force field," " leaving him totally vulnerable to the..." " All right..." " Pussy patrol." " Fuck." " Phones, money." " Dude, not again, come on." " Phone." " I don't have one." " Someone else jacked it last week." " Pussy." " Give me the bag." " It's just comics." "Yo, you want to get cut?" "Look at this asshole just watching." "Come on, be honest with yourself." "Would you do anything differently?" "We see someone in trouble and we wish we could help, but we don't." "The world I lived in, heroes only existed in comic books." "And I guess that would have been okay if bad guys were make-believe, too." "But they're not." "Frankie, I'm telling you, man, I swear I'm not making this up." "This fucking guy comes out of nowhere, kicks our asses, and steals all the coke." "This would be the guy that looks like Batman?" "I didn't say he looked like Batman." "You did, Tre." "You said the guy looked like Batman." " He said like a mask and stuff." " And a cape." " Yeah, like Batman." " I didn't say "Like Batman. "" "I never said "Batman. "" "Okay." "Let me tell you the problem I got with that, Tre." "Our mole with the Russians tells things a little different." "According to him, you sold him my coke and you took the money." "That's a fucking lie!" "I can't believe that you would believe this shit from a fucking Russian, man!" "Let me see, Tre." "Hey, what's more likely, huh?" "That you're a greedy little cocksucker or all my coke was stolen by Superman?" " Batman." " I never said Batman!" "Enough!" "Now my son is waiting out there in the car to go to the movies, and I ain't gonna disappoint him." "Joe, you're in charge." " Frank..." "Frankie!" " That's gotta be the worst fucking excuse" "I ever heard, Tre." " Sorry you had to wait, buddy." " The movie is starting in 10 minutes." "It's okay." "We're cool." "We're only gonna miss the trailers." "Yeah." "But I want to get some popcorn." "When we get in there, get Chris some popcorn." " Okay?" " You fucking motherfuckers!" "What do you want to drink?" "You want a Pepsi?" " Yeah, that's fine." " Get him a Pepsi, and I'll have an Icee." "Mixed." "Like when they mix the red one and the blue one." "And a pack of Twizzlers." "The comic books had it wrong." "It didn't take a trauma or cosmic rays or a power ring to make a superhero." "Just the perfect combination of optimism and naivety." "You are fucking awesome." "Come on then, bring it on!" "Daddy, I'm scared." "Come on, Mindy, honey." "Be a big girl now." "There's nothing to be afraid of." " Is it gonna hurt bad?" " Oh, child." "Only for a second, sugar." "A handgun bullet travels at..." "More than?" " 700 miles an hour." " 700 miles an hour." "So at close range like this, the force is gonna take you off your feet for sure, but it's really no more painful than a punch in the chest." "I hate getting punched in the chest." "You're gonna be fine, baby doll." "How was that?" "Not so bad." "Kind of fun, huh?" "Now you know how it feels." "You won't be scared when some junkie asshole pulls a Glock." " I wouldn't have been scared anyways." " That's my girl." "All right, up you get." "Come on." "Two more rounds and then home." "Again?" "Look, only if we can go by the bowling alley on the way back." "The bowling alley?" "Yeah." "And ice cream after." "Okay." "Two more rounds." "No wincing, no whining, and you got yourself a deal, young lady." "Yeah!" "I'm gonna get a hot fudge sundae." "Good call, baby doll." "So, have you thought a little more about what you might want for your birthday?" "Can I get a puppy?" "You wanna get a dog?" "Yeah, a cuddly, fluffy one." "And a Bratz Movie Star Makeover Sasha." "I'm just fucking with you, Daddy." "Look, I'd love a Benchmade Model 42 butterfly knife." "Oh, child." "You always knock me for a loop." " You know what?" " What?" " I'm gonna get you two." " Two?" "One balisong." "Two balisong." "That's what you get." ""The glass of fashion and the mold of form" ""The observed of all observers quite, quite down!" ""And I, of ladies most deject and wretched... "" "I'll be honest, there wasn't a whole lot of crime-fighting in those first few weeks." "But even so, my new vocation kept me plenty busy." "Shit." "I called it preparation." "But if you called it fantasizing, it would have been hard to argue." "All I knew was I'd never felt so good about myself." "Fuck!" "Okay, maybe I was still in the beta-testing phase, but it was a start." "What the fuck are you looking at?" " Nothing." " Get the fuck out of here." "Like every serial killer already knew, eventually, fantasizing just doesn't do it for you anymore." "It was time to engage." "Hurry up, man." "What the fuck?" "What the fuck you looking at?" "I said, what the fuck are you looking at?" "Two cheap-shit losers screwing with a car that someone probably worked their ass off to pay for." " Say what?" " Leave it be, man." "This motherfucker is obviously high." "I'm not high." "I just think it sucks you guys think you can do what you want." "Just walk away from the car and we can forget about this." "You're crazy, man." "Fuck this shit." " Shit!" " Let's get out of here!" "I came around for just long enough to beg the medic not to tell anybody about the costume." "He promised he wouldn't." "All I knew was my dad was gonna kill me." "Why can't I have a gun?" "I'm a security guard." "You're a doorman now." "You don't get a gun no more." "Look at me." "I look like a putz." "You look sharp." "Look at all them buttons." "Do your job." "Open the fucking door." "Have a nice day." " Good morning, Frank." " Hey, Joe, how you doing?" " Great." " Want some coffee?" "Maybe later." "Morning, Ange." " Good morning." " Chris." "Good morning, Joe." "Frank, we got a thing." "It's a big thing, Frank." "Okay." "Sorry, hon." "Do what you got to do." "Chris, where do you think you're going?" " I got to talk to Dad." " Christopher." "Frank, honey!" "Where do you think you're going?" "I don't..." "I don't mind you talking business, Dad." "I was just gonna sit in there quietly." "I mean, I should probably start learning this stuff anyway, right?" "Hey, go finish your oatmeal." "God damn it!" "I'm gonna be 18 in eight months, for Christ's sakes." "Fuck." "Take a seat." " So what's the problem?" " Our Russian says that Tre just sold him another five keys at half price." "Which Tre?" "Tre Tre?" "Right." "Dead Tre." "So now I'm getting fucked in the ass by a ghost?" "Or Tre was telling the truth." "What, this is my choice, I gotta believe in ghosts or superheroes?" "Well, not the part about the superhero, Frankie, but just that he might have really been gaffled by somebody." "I think we'd better invite our Russian over for a friendly chat, see what's really going on." "Hey, early birdie." "You beat me to it." "I wanted to get you breakfast this morning." "Happy birthday, sweetheart." "Check this out." "Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!" "Oh, my gosh." "Dad." "Wow." "Watch, Dad." "Okay, pop quiz." "What's the proper name for one of those?" "Easy, balisong." "It's Filipino." "Ask me another." "Excellent, good." "The AR-15 was a lighter, smaller caliber version of what design?" "Eugene Stoner's AR-10." "Now give me a hard one." "The name of" "John Woo's first full-length feature?" "Tie han rou qing, The Young Dragons." "Daddy, look." "Hey, come on, you're not looking." "The point is, some fucker is killing our guys." "Until we find out who that is, I don't wanna see any of you bitches sitting around on your asses, all right?" "What the fuck do you..." "Hello?" "Hey, Joe, yeah." "No, he's just training right now." "One second." "Dad, phone!" " Dad, the phone's for you." " Who is it?" "It's Joe." " What's the problem?" " Yeah, Frank, turns out we ain't got the vise here no more." "Really?" "But we do got a brand-new industrial microwave." "They use it for treating the lumber." "Well, that is neat." "I think you must be confusing me with someone who gives a shit about the fucking lumber!" "Yeah, okay, all right, Frank." "All right, I'm sorry." " I'm sorry, okay?" "... get the information." "All right, okay!" "All right, come on." "Go ahead." "Hey, look, the guys tell me he's Tre Fernandez." "What do I know?" " Shut up." " Now you say Fernandez is dead." " Get inside." "Shut up!" " Okay, no, he lied!" " He lie about..." " Fucking mamaluke." "He lied!" "Does this work like a regular microwave or what?" "Fuck do I know?" "We're not making a fucking Hungry-Man dinner here." "Just turn it on." "Here we go." "Okay, I wanna know who sold you our coke." "And don't tell me somebody who's dead this time." "Can he hear you?" "I don't think he can hear you." "I said, who really sold you our coke?" "Who sold you our coke?" "Shit." "Shit." "This is awesome!" "I look like fricking Wolverine." "They still have that metal detector at your school?" "Yeah, it's gonna have a meltdown." "Dave, I need to ask you something." "Okay." "The police report, they found you naked." "You said you didn't remember why." "The muggers, they didn't..." "What?" "No!" "Jesus." "No, I..." "I wasn't even..." "In the ambulance, they threw my clothes away" " 'cause of the blood." " Right." "Okay, okay." "Dad." "Dad." "Seemed like no time at all before I was back on my feet." " Dave's what?" " Not now." "Apart from some messed up nerve endings, the doctors had managed to fix me up pretty good." " Did you feel that?" " No." "You're like fucking Jason Bourne or something, man." "That owns." " How about that?" " No, Marty!" "Give it a fucking rest, man." "I've only been back half a day, and you're already making me miss the hospital." "He's right." "I'm sorry." "I'm acting totally childish." " Stop with the fork." " I apologize." "Hey." "Dave, hey." "Hey." "How are you?" "You look better." "I'm good." "Yeah, much better." "Hey, you're into comic books, aren't you?" "Well, me and Erika sometimes hang out after school at this really great store Atomic Comics." "They make the best white chocolate mocha latte." "Yeah?" "Well, I could buy you one sometime if you, you know, like, need someone to talk to." "Sure." "Thank you." "Okay, sweet." "Well, I'll see you later." " Man, did you see that?" " Yeah." "Katie Deauxma just offered to buy me coffee." "Yeah." "You know, I really don't think that's what it looks like." " What are you talking about?" " The point is," "Katie Deauxma's all about the lame ducks." "What's this got to do with me?" "I've been trying to figure out how to tell you this." " There's a rumor going around..." " Right." "...that you..." " What?" "...are gay." " Gay?" "What kind of rumor is that?" "Well, you know, I mean, getting mugged..." " You guys have been mugged!" " Yeah, I know, but, you know, we didn't get beat up and have all our clothes taken off." "That's not even true." "The medic threw my clothes away." "You know, don't worry about it." "Rumors don't mean shit." " We know the truth." "Yeah." " Right?" "And who knows, buddy, this might even get you laid." "No, not if she thinks he's gay, Todd." "You fucking retard." "Thanks, Marty, this is really fucking helping me." "I'm just being honest!" "I was getting back to my old self." "I should have quit, of course, but you can't just reprogram yourself." "What you want, who you are, your purpose in life." "No, I'm just standing around, you know." "No, I'm not!" "It is what it is." "How about that, huh?" "Yeah." "Didn't see that, did you?" "I think it's best that you just walk away." "Well, maybe you shouldn't do that." "What?" "Are you looking at me?" "Well, this is my business." "Me?" "My hardware was fixed now." "I was back and running Kick-Ass version 2.0." "Excuse me, have you seen this cat?" " No." " No?" "Okay, thank you." "Excuse me, ma'am." "Have you seen this cat?" "I'm sorry." "Did you see this cat?" "No?" "Okay." "Oh, great." "Here, kitty." "Here, Mr. Bitey." "Come on..." "No, no, no, no, no!" "No, no, no." "Mr. Bitey, come on." "Back here, come on." "Let's get you home." "Come on." "Fuck you, Mr. Bitey!" " Oh, God, I'm so sorry, man." " You fucking green..." "Get up." "Get him up." " Get up." " Thanks, freak." " Hey, leave him alone!" " Fuck off, man." "It's none of your business!" "Yes, it is." "Hey!" "Call 911!" "Hey, there's a dude dressed like a superhero out there fighting a bunch of guys." "It's fucking awesome!" "Leave him alone!" "Give it up, man." "Just walk away." "No." "Never." "What the fuck is wrong with you, man?" "You'd rather die for some piece of shit that you don't even fucking know?" "And three assholes laying into one guy while everybody else watches," "and you want to know what's wrong with me?" "Yeah, I'd rather die." "So bring it on!" "You're fucking crazy, kid." "Fuck." "Thank you." "What?" "Thank you." "That fucking rocked." "Who are you?" "I'm Kick-Ass." " Dude, you gotta check this shit out." " What is it?" "...on the latest corruption scandal." "And coming up after the hour, a costumed vigilante has become the latest Internet phenomenon after a Hamilton Park resident filmed the man's remarkable intervention in a gang-related attack last week." " This is awesome." " Fuck, yeah." "Welcome to this special edition of Eye on New York." "How far would you go to help your fellow man?" "This colorful individual has been all over the news this week after a video of his intervention of street-gang violence became the most-watched clip on the Internet." "Three assholes laying into one guy while..." "My MySpace, 38 friends." "Kick-Ass's MySpace, 16,000 and counting." "This thing was going crazy, and I was loving it." "And finally, we want to know who is this man?" "Does anyone have any idea who this wetsuit crusader is?" "He must be someone's son, someone's brother," " someone's next-door neighbor." " Holy shit." " Have you seen him?" " What happened?" "What happened?" "This guy happened." "It's a great day for America, everybody." "Yeah, everybody's favorite superhero right now, Kick-Ass, right?" "Kick-Ass!" "Yeah!" "I like Kick-Ass!" "His costume is crappy." "He looks like a transvestite..." "You know what?" "Everyone likes Kick-Ass." "Did you see the clip?" "He was actually pretty good." "Good at getting his ass kicked." "He should call himselfAss-Kick instead." "That doesn't even make sense." "...transvestite that is Kick-Ass will take you down, I say!" "That guy's gonna end up dead, that's what I think." "Are you serious?" "The guy owns." "I'd e-mail his site if I had a problem worth fixing." "What?" "Are you kidding me?" "I got 100 guys who can fix a problem, you'd hire some putz in pantyhose?" "Well, I wouldn't wanna get in the way of your business, where I'm not wanted." "Please, I know you have mistaken me for Kick-Ass, but I am not Kick-Ass." " You don't actually read comics?" " Yeah, I just started." "I got recommended some." "Like Scott Pilgrim and Shojo Beat, that kind of thing." "I'm not really into the whole superhero thing, though." "So I guess you're not gonna line up for that new Kick-Ass comic then?" "I guess not." "But you know what?" "I was seriously thinking of mailing his site." "I mean, I could really use some help from a guy like that right now." "Help?" "Really?" "What with?" "You know I volunteer at the needle exchange." "No, I didn't." "Well, there's this one guy Rasul, and I felt so sorry for him." "And the more I found out about his upbringing and stuff, I just..." "Wow, that's weird." "I'm usually the one playing therapist." "Can I make a confession?" "Ever since I was little, I've always wanted a friend like you." " Is it okay to say that?" " Yeah." "I mean, that's not homophobic, is it?" "I mean, I don't think you're all the same or anything." " Of course not, no." " Thank you." "I don't know if I was everything Katie had always dreamed her gay BFF would be, but I tried my best." "But more importantly, I talked her into mailing Kick-Ass." "Long story short, this particular lame duck of hers turned out to be more of a lame cobra." "She didn't want the money back that she'd given him or an apology for the black eye he'd given her." "She just wanted him to get that they were through and leave her alone." "And let's be real, no other request could have given me more pleasure." "Who the fuck are you supposed to be, the Green Condom?" "You know it ain't Halloween for another few months, kid?" "I'm here to see Rasul." "Who the fuck are you?" "I'm..." "I'm a friend of Katie's." "Kids nowadays in their tights." "So, which one of you guys is Rasul?" "I'm Rasul." "Can't you tell by my big titties?" "What is this?" "Trick or treat or something?" "Fuck!" "Now I'm dead." "I have a message for Rasul about Katie Deauxma." " Katie?" " You're Rasul?" "Okay." "You gotta stay away from Katie now." "It's over." "So if you just leave her alone, everything will be fine." "What?" "Yo, kid, who the hell are you?" "And what is this?" "I'm Kick-Ass." "Look me up." "And this is me giving you a message." "Leave Katie alone." "Or what?" "Or I'll come back and break your fucking legs." "I'm right here now, baby." "What's up?" "Oh, fuck!" "Hold him." "You are so fucking dead, man." "Okay, you cunts, let's see what you can do now." "Eeny, meeny, miny, moe." "Oh, shit!" "What the fuck?" "Hey, I got one of those." "Come on." "So you want to play." "What the fuck?" "Dude, that is one gay-looking Taser." "Relax, we're on the same team." " Hey, get up." " No..." "Now, Hit Girl, we always keep our backs where?" "To the wall, Daddy." "I know." "It won't happen again." " Nice shot, by the way." " Thank you." "Let's go." "Hey, hey, asshole." "Can't use the front door now." "Wait, wait, wait!" "What?" "Who are you?" "Me?" "I'm Hit Girl." "And that's Big Daddy." "Come on." "Come on!" "Hit Girl and Big Daddy, they were the real deal." "Me?" "I was just a stupid dick in a wetsuit." "What is this?" "What am I looking at here?" "It was Sal's phone." "They found it in his hand." "He must have taken that right before he died." "I know this sounds fucked up, Frankie, but that guy in the picture," "I think it's that superhero nutjob from the TV." "Who?" "Kick-Ass?" "One guy?" "Hold on, you're telling me one guy killed eight of my men tonight?" "Eight at Sal's place, four at that kid Rasul's." "We have no merchandise on the street at all?" "Right." " One guy?" " I think." "Man, if you're right, we're gonna look like the biggest bunch of pussies in New York." "What do you want me to do?" "I want Kick-Ass's fucking head on a stick, and I want it now." "I didn't say anything to anyone, I swear." "Good move, Ass-Kick." "Let's keep it that way." "You know what this is?" "It's all the cartridge crap that comes out of your gay little Taser when you fire it." "You do know the police could have traced this right back to you if they'd found it?" "But lucky for you, I picked it up." "Thank you." "Let's call it insurance." "Makes it easier for us to take your word." "See, we like you, but we don't trust you." "Don't take it personal, though." "We don't trust anybody." "I rerouted your IP address." "Finding you was way too easy." "Shit." "Shit, I hadn't thought..." "My God, I..." "I owe you." "You know what?" "I'm thinking of just shutting my site down anyway." "Quitting." "I mean, this is..." "It's fucking insane." "I'm in way over my head." "It's a shame." "You have potential." "Your call, but you know we're around if you need us." "How do I get a hold of you?" "You just contact the mayor's office." "He has a special signal he shines in the sky." "It's in the shape of a giant cock." "You need us, put on your website that you're on vacation." "We'll find you." "Hit Girl, back to headquarters." "Sweet dreams." "I need you to get rid of Kick-Ass." " Yo." "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "What's up?" " What's up?" "Kick-Ass is killing my men, Gigante, that's what's up." "My condolences, Frank." "But I'm afraid I can't help you out on this one." "Little bit outside my jurisdiction." "Outside your jurisdiction?" "You're a fucking cop, and he's breaking the law." "That's so inside your jurisdiction, it's ball-deep in your jurisdiction's ass." "Listen, cops pay me to nail the bad guys, you pay me not to." "Everything else is in the gray area." "Yeah." "Fuck you very much, Vic." "Just do it, okay?" "Un-fucking-believable." "Where's Cody?" "He's late." "Thank you, Cody." "We appreciate your co-operation." "Let me out now?" "I gave you all them names and addresses." "Hey, I won't say nothing to nobody." "You and your crazy midget friend can go bash whoever you want..." "Hey, come on." "Hey, I know some very bad people uptown, really nasty individuals." "Let me go." "Hey, come on!" "Hey, don't do this!" "You don't need to do this!" "Come on." "Oh, shit..." "Please!" "Hey!" "God!" "No, please, please!" "Come on, no, no!" "What a douche." "You have done self tan before, right?" "Yeah, like, I do it all the time." "Murder, superheroes breaking into my bedroom, my life had turned into some fucked-up dream I couldn't wake up from." "Even the good parts were totally surreal." "Hey, I read those old Ditko Spider-Mans you gave me." "They're actually pretty good." "Yeah, they are." "And it's been a whole week since I've heard from Rasul." "That's great." "Once upon a time, there were two supercops, called Daddy and Marcus, who were very good at getting bad guys." "Frank D'Amico was the baddest guy of them all, and he came up with a plan to get rid of Daddy." "Being framed as a drug dealer was the worst possible thing that could have happened to Daddy." "Prison was not his natural habitat." "He was very upset." "With Daddy in prison, his pregnant wife was all alone and could not cope." "But all clouds have a silver lining, and out of her death," "Mindy was born!" "Marcus became the child's guardian, and Daddy started a plan of his very own." "Five years later, he left prison, and he was ready." "Now, it was time for Mindy to get ready, too." "How'd you find me, Marcus?" "One of us is still a cop, remember?" "Is this how you brainwashed Mindy?" "You say brainwashed." "I say made it into a game." "You call this playing, Damon?" "Vigilante justice, mass murder." "Come on, partner." "So where is she?" " She's safe." " Can I see her?" "I miss her." "I miss you both." "I appreciate your concern." "But you need to go now." "I should warn you, that asshole Gigante is looking for Kick-Ass." "He got something to do with you, Damon?" "You started some kind of fucked-up superhero club?" " Never heard of him." " Okay, well, heads up, all right?" "You keep carrying on like you've been carrying on, it's only a matter of time before Gigante is looking for you." "He's been on Frank D'Amico's payroll ever since you passed up the opportunity." "You know I'm not gonna stop." "Not until D'Amico and his whole damn operation are burnt to ashes and buried." "It ain't gonna bring her back, Damon." "This is not the life for Mindy." "You owe that kid a childhood." "I'll tell you who owes her a childhood!" "Frank D'Amico!" "Holy shit." "I don't fucking believe it." "Follow him, around the corner." "Not too fast." "What's with the high-fives?" "I'll give you a motherfucking high-five." "High-fiving bullshit." "Keep going, keep going." "Not too close." "He's going in the alley." "Okay, when I tell you, stop the car." "Ready?" "Hey, Kick-Ass." "How you doing?" "Kill my men, huh?" "Take my fucking coke?" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "Boss, what are you doing?" " Boss, we gotta go, man." "Come on, let's go." " Fucking scumbag!" "Frank, Frank, Frank, come on, he's had enough." "Come on." "He's had enough." "Come on." "What the fuck are you looking at?" "Frank." "Come on, come on, come on, come on, let's go." "We gotta go." "Shit." "Come on, come on, get in." "He was so young." "No one should have to die that way." "I mean, I just can't believe he's dead, that's all." "I know." "But, Katie, guys like Rasul, they get mixed up in stuff..." "No, I know, I know." "But what if it was my fault?" "What if Kick-Ass did it?" "I mean, I feel like I should call the cops or something." "What?" "You're talking crazy." "There's no way." "He probably didn't even read your e-mail yet." " Yeah." " You've got nothing to worry about." "I'm so glad you're here." "I was such a mess." "That's okay." " No problem." " You're the best." "I hope it's okay to say this, but..." "It so sucks that you're gay." "I don't fucking believe this." "What kind of children's enter-fucking-tainer is that?" "What kind of kid has a..." "A Spider-Man party, sure, but a fucking Kick-Ass party?" "What, are they selling paper plates and napkins down at the store now?" "Frank, you're scaring me." "You're losing it." "Since when did you start getting your hands dirty again?" "And in public!" "Since when I ask you fucks to deliver me Kick-Ass," " and you don't deliver, that's when." " Give me a break." "It's been a week." "We e-mailed him." "We got half the crew out doing petty crimes as bait." "We're busting our asses here." "What the hell are you doing?" "You're back on the powder now, as well?" ""Mommy, I want a Kick-Ass party. " Dumb little fucks." " I know a way you can get him." " Shit." "Chris, how long you been there?" "What the hell are you doing?" "Get the hell out." "Do you want to hear it or not?" " Hear what?" " Okay, look, you're a superhero and you're lonely, but you can't trust anyone 'cause either they'll expose your secret identity..." "Comic books this kid reads all fucking day long." "The point is there's only one way a superhero can trust a stranger." "And I can be that stranger." "You just gotta give me a chance." "I know I can do it." "I just need a few things." "Like what?" "I need these things." "What, are you fucking kidding me?" "What the hell is this?" "It's everything I need." "And you might have to screw someone over, like Louie, or something." " Louie?" "Hey, Chris." " Or somebody." "It doesn't have to be Louie." " Tony!" " Tony." " Tony?" " I hate Tony." "Yeah, fuck Tony." "He's a scumbag." "I swear, Dad, if you let me do this, it's gonna work." "Tony." "Tony Romita, one of America's most-wanted crime kingpins, was arrested in Queens today after a 911 call from someone claiming to be a superhero..." "So, how are things going with Katie?" "Just peachy." "We had a sleepover and spent the whole night watching the entire Ugly Betty box set and did pedicures." "I'm telling you, the longer you wait, the worse it's gonna get." "I know." "I was gonna tell her." "It's just, she seems so happy." " I don't know when's the right time." " Now's your chance." " She didn't see that, did she?" " Hey, guys." " Hi!" " Hi, sweetie." "Did you watch the TV?" "The new superhero guy?" " How cool is that?" " What?" " Hey, look." " Could you turn it up, please?" " Check this out." "... dressed as Kick-Ass." "But it seems that far from being put off, this individual, who calls himself Red Mist, has decided to take crime-fighting to a new level, as his actions last night proved." "Red Mist, how do you see it?" "Well, I guess folks have just had enough of living in fear, you know, and Kick-Ass really proved that one individual can make a difference." "So if anyone out there needs help, I'll be fighting crime 25/8." "And I'm just one click away." "Redmist." "Org." "Can we turn that off now?" "What's so special about that guy?" "He caught, like, a drug dealer, some most-wanted guy." "You saw him bringing out like a ton of stuff." "That's pretty cool." "He's got a way better costume than Kick-Ass, too." " He's got a cape." " Yeah." " Capes rock." " Yeah, I'm kind of feeling the cape." "He looks good." "What, better than Kick-Ass?" "I mean, they're both kind of hot." "I just think Red Mist has a better body." "Don't you think, Dave?" "Yeah, Dave, what do you think?" "Is he the kind of guy you'd go for, with all that leather?" "No, Marty." "No, he's not really my type." "Kick-Ass!" "Red Mist." "Shit!" "Fuck me, that kind of hurt." " Are you okay?" " Yeah, no, I'm cool." "I can't believe you're here, man." "Like, you're my hero." "You inspired me." "No Kick-Ass, no Red Mist." " Seriously." " Wow." " Hey, really?" " Straight up." "And listen, if you..." "I don't know, if you wanted me to be your sidekick or something..." "You wanna be my sidekick?" "Yeah, man!" "You and me together, we would own!" "You wanna go fight some crime?" "What you mean, like, right now?" "Yeah, man, come on." "I got something I wanna show you." "I mean, like, to be honest with you," "I only ever fight crime between like 9:00 and 2:00, weekdays." "So I'm gonna need to get back pretty soon." "Sweet!" " Is that yours?" " Meet the Mist Mobile." "SatNav." "Got my iPhone, so I can check the websites for emergencies when I'm driving around." "Got a little bit of mood lighting right there." "Rearview camera, no big deal." "Check this, you're gonna fucking love this." "The mist." "Hey." "That's right, we're superheroes." "You love us." " Smoke?" " No." "I feel a little weed takes the edge off things when I'm on patrol, you know?" "Going up against a crowd can get kind of scary, don't you think?" "Something wrong?" "Yeah." "You're so not how I expected." "I got this e-mail from this chick." "She said this guy's been following her home from work." "I got her address and stuff." "You wanna check it out?" " Sure, why not?" " Cool." "So we're sitting there totally naked, right?" "I told her, "Sit on my lap, we'll talk about the first thing that comes up. "" " Yeah?" " Just got the text." "He's on his way." "He did very good." " Don't kill him till I get there." " Right." "Looks like reading all them comics paid off, huh?" "Your boy did good, Frankie." "He's his father's son." "I forgot." "What the fuck?" "Shit." " Hey, what are you doing?" " There are people in there." "Yeah." "Shouldn't we call the fire..." "Shit!" "Mikey." "Fuck." " Shit." "Fuck." " Red Mist!" "Red Mist!" "Red Mist!" "Hey." "Hey, man, can you hear me?" "Hey." "Jesus Christ!" "Red Mist!" "Red Mist!" "Where the fuck are you?" "We gotta get the hell out of here." "Dude, move your fucking ass!" "Holy shit!" " Did you see those bodies?" " Yeah, man." " Why'd you save the teddy?" " What?" "I don't know, man." "Come on." "Come." "What the hell are you doing, Frank?" "You know I can't be here." "What if somebody saw..." "That motherfucker Kick-Ass burnt down my warehouse and killed my men, Gigante." "Wait, wait, wait." "Slow down." "Kick-Ass?" " Are you sure?" " You gotta help me, Vic." "My son was there, and he's still missing." "They're all dead!" "Everybody in the warehouse is dead." "Put the gun down, Vic." "It's Chris." "Chris is Red Mist?" "It's not Red Mist you gotta worry about." "It's Kick-Ass." "No, no, no, it's not." "Kick-Ass is just some geek, Dad." "You don't have to worry about him." "You need to watch this." " Why, what does it do?" " Are you fucking kidding me?" " What?" " God damn it, just sit down." "What are you doing?" "What the hell is that thing?" "You bought this to spy on the nanny when I was a kid." "Don't you remember?" " What, and you put it in the warehouse?" " Yeah, I thought it'd be cool to put the unmasking of Kick-Ass on the Internet, okay?" "Watch." "I told her, "Sit on my lap, we'll talk about the first thing that comes up. "" " Yeah?" " Just got the text." "He's on his way." "He did very good." " Don't kill him till I get there." " Right." "Who the hell is this guy?" "I don't know, Dad." "But Kick-Ass told me we're not the only superheroes in town." "Maybe he knows who this guy is." "I want this place locked down." "Nobody comes in, nobody goes out." "Not until somebody finds this cocksucker and pulls his fucking lungs out through his ass." "Listen, they're on to you." "Do you hear me?" "They're on to you." "I thought they were looking for Kick-Ass." "Not anymore." "Gigante just put on a little movie-show for us." "Different superhero in a warehouse, killing a whole bunch of D'Amico's guys." "I'm gonna take a wild guess that was you." " I killed all the cameras." " Apparently not." "Look, bro, you need to get ghost." "Hide yourself quick." "Appreciate it." "Mindy, no more homework, baby doll." "It's time for Frank D'Amico to go bye-bye." "X" " Men, the Fantastic Four, right now, I envy the crap out of them." "Everything was out of control." "I didn't know what the hell to do." "You okay, buddy?" "You look tired." "Early night tonight, maybe?" "And there was no one I could talk to about it." "Dave?" "Hello?" "Yeah, you bet I will." "I'd never felt more alone." "I'd always dreamed of being a superhero, but this was a nightmare." "It was time to stop wearing this stupid costume." "But there was one last thing I needed it for." "What's the difference between Spider-Man and Peter Parker?" "Spider-Man gets the girl." "Hey, I'm Kick-Ass." "I'm Kick-Ass." "You mail me?" "Wait..." "Fuck!" "Fuck!" "Fucking freak in a mask!" "Get out of my house!" "I'm not gonna hurt you, all right?" "No, no, no!" "It's me, it's me!" "All right?" "I was only trying to surprise you." "I'm..." " Dave?" "What the fuck are you doing?" " I'm sorry." " Why are you dressed as Kick-Ass?" " Because I am Kick-Ass." " What are you talking about?" " And I'm also not gay." " Fuck!" " And I'm an idiot and a shit friend." "I lied to you, I know." " Oh, my God." " I know." "If it makes you feel any better," "I don't think you can hate me any more right now than I hate myself." "Please, I'm..." "Look, I'm really, really sorry." "I've never met anyone who's as beautiful and as kind and lovely as you." "You deserve better." " Dave." " Yes?" "My mom has the burglar alarm on downstairs, so you should probably use the window." "Or..." "Or you could just stay." "Stay?" "What, like when we have a sleepover?" "I'm sorry." "I didn't mean to scare you." "Wow." "We gotta get over it, on top of it, and then into it, right in the middle of it." "Daddy, I think I found one." "It's perfect, and they can deliver it in three days." "It's 300,000 bucks." "Can you think of anything else you'd rather spend it on?" "Oh, my gosh!" " That is cool." " Yeah." "Add to shopping cart." "Okay." "Out of Kick-Ass and Red Mist, who do you think would win in a fight?" "Why are they fighting?" "That seems stupid." " What do you think?" " I don't know, but I think Kick-Ass is cuter." "Really?" "I, for one, would definitely fuck his brains out if I got the chance." "You would?" "Definitely." "Do you feel like checking out that new Kate Hudson movie where she's like a shoe designer, can't get a guy?" " I think we could make the next showing." " Hell, yeah." "I guess we're not invited." "All right." "You know what?" "Come here." "I'm going to convert you to a comics reader right now." "Suddenly, I understood why superheroes only existed in comic books." "I got why people didn't risk their lives for strangers." "Because for the first time in my life," "I had something worth living for, something to lose." "Katie worried about me getting hurt, so I promised her my Kick-Ass days were over." "And the truth was I hardly missed it at all." "I hadn't even checked the website for, like, a week." "Okay, I'm off then." " No Katie tonight?" " Tomorrow." "Wednesdays, she's got one of those volunteer things." "You seem like a different guy, you know that?" "Your mom would have been so happy to see you out of your shell like this." "Have a good night." " Hey, baby." " Hey, what's going on?" "I gotta do a Kick-Ass thing." "What?" "I thought you were done with that." "This is the last time." "I totally swear." "I worry about you." "Well, I wish you wouldn't worry." "I can't help it." "I do because I..." "I care about you a lot." "I care about you a lot, too." "This better be pretty serious, dude, 'cause I promised my girlfriend that I'm done with all this shit." "How about both of us being dead?" "Is that serious enough for you?" "Dead?" "How?" "It turns out those dead guys from the warehouse had some bad motherfuckers for friends, and they think we did that shit." "There's a price on our heads, man." "A price on our heads?" "What is this, the Wild West?" "I'm not messing with you, dude." "They found out where I lived." "They trashed my place." "I'm fucking screwed." " And you're gonna be next, okay?" " What?" "Shit." "What do we do?" "Remember you mentioned that there are other superheroes?" "Yeah?" "Well, do you think they can help us?" "Hot chocolate, extra marshmallows." "Man, that looks even cooler than it did in the picture." "Child, you know, that's because in the picture, it didn't have Gatling guns." "Nice job." "I'm gonna take mine to bed, okay?" "Okay, baby doll." "Sleep tight." "Thanks." "Kick-Ass?" "You go get dressed." "I'll tell him to meet us at Safe House B." "We'll have our hot chocolate when we get back." " Okay, Daddy." " Come on." " There you go." " All right." " Do you know where that is?" " No, but I'll just put it in the GPS." " It's what it's for." " All right, let's go." "Shit." "Okay, okay, okay." "Well, here you are and Red Mist, too." " Pleasure to meet you." " Good to meet you, sir." "Please, come in." "After you." "Hit Girl, manners, honey." "Hi, I'm Hit Girl." "No!" "Your ass is mine!" "Come on." "No, he's with me." "He's okay." "Shut the fuck up, kid." "Your daddy's the boss." "You go home." "Are you shitting me?" "No, he's fine." "He's with me." " Let him go." " Get out of here." "Get the fuck out of here." "Hot damn." "I always wanted one of these." " You're seriously gonna take that?" " Yes." "Come on, sweet cheeks." "If you don't get your wannabe superhero ass in the car..." " That's funny." "... you're gonna have a lot of trouble" " on your hands." " That's really funny." "You're so fired." " Kick-Ass..." " Get him out of here." "Get him out of here." " Get him in the van." " Let go of me." "Put me down." "Kick-Ass, I'm sorry!" " Get in the car." " Get in there!" "You better fire this asshole." "Ignore him..." "A bazooka?" " Okay." " We had a deal, Dad." "We had a fucking deal that I would get you the guy who did it, and all I'm asking is you let Kick-Ass go." "He didn't do anything wrong." "Chris, you got to look at this from my point of view." "Okay?" "I gotta send a public service message to the people out there that being a superhero is bad for your health." "And the Big motherfucker?" "Nobody knows who he is." " Yeah, but that's not fair!" " Yeah, life's not fair, kid." "Get over it." "What are you gonna do to them?" "You really wanna be a part of my business?" "Yeah." "Then sit down, shut up and watch." "Frank, we're ready." "Enjoy the show." " Are you controlling this right now?" " I sure am." "Big Brother, watch and learn." "Welcome back." "Breaking News." "A worldwide web broadcast of the New York superhero who calls himself Kick-Ass is about to be shown live." "Rumors have it that this will be Kick-Ass's farewell appearance, that he will announce his retirement from crime fighting." "But as word of mouth continues to spread," "Internet providers are predicting that it could be one of the most widely-viewed live events in web history." "Wait, where's Dave?" "There are no clues as yet as to the exact nature..." " Holy shit." "Have you guys noticed..." " He's with Katie." " Obviously." "... come to a standstill to watch." "Why else would I be here?" "There's no idea as to who is behind the broadcast of this show, but we could see widespread server crashes..." "Dave, why didn't you tell me this is what you were doing?" "You're on the news." "Call me." "We go now over live to the countdown clock as we are moments away." "Show time." "Hello, boys and girls." "Now, this..." "Well, you know who this guy is." "And this guy here is Big Daddy." "And these are my friends." "Come on in, guys, say hello." "Yeah, yeah, there they are." "Hello, hello." "Now Big Daddy and Kick-Ass are gonna help us show you why being a hero is a bad idea." "You know what a silent "K" is?" "That's when "K" is at the beginning of the word, but you don't pronounce it." "Like in the word "Knuckleduster. "" "Show them what a knuckleduster can do, guy." "That must have hurt!" "Let's see that again from the other side." "Go on." "Yeah, I think it did." "Now in France, they say the word "stick" like this, bâton." "We got some of Kick-Ass's bâtons." "We're gonna show you what they can do." "Go ahead, boys." "In America, we say "stick" like this." "Baseball bat." "Which is very good for hitting knees and stomachs." "It's also good for hitting balls." "Know what else we do?" "We don't do them individually." "We do them all together." "Gentlemen, please." "Yeah." "This looks very painful." "Due to the distressing nature of the images, we are unable to broadcast the events currently streaming live on the Internet." " Fuck." " No." "No, no, no." "Despite initial speculation that this may be some kind of hoax or publicity stunt, it is now clear that the hostages are in genuine danger, that all signs point to the intention to stage a live execution in the next few minutes." "Even with my metal plates and my fucked-up nerve endings," "I got to tell you, that hurt." "The kerosene." "Yes, the silent killer." "But not half as much as the idea of leaving everything behind." "Katie, my dad," "Todd and Marty." "And all the things I'd never do, like learn to drive, or see what me and Katie's kids would look like or find out what happened on Lost." "Spicy, spicy." "And if you're reassuring yourself that I'm gonna make it through this since I'm talking to you now, quit being such a smartass." "Hell, dude, you never seen Sin City, Sunset Blvd., American Beauty?" "And this, for all you cavemen out there, is fire." "No." "I know." "Fire." "Fire is good." "Fire is our friend." "Yeah, yeah." "Gentlemen, time to die." "What the..." "What the fuck just happened?" "Hey, hey." "Somebody find the lights." "Hello!" "Jimmy." "Jesus Christ." "Bobby?" "Bobby?" "Get the lighter!" "It's on the floor right over there." "Find the lighter." "I got it." " No!" " Take cover, child." "Now switch to Kryptonite." "Kryptonite." "Go to Robin's Revenge!" "Robin, Robin." "Show's over, motherfuckers." "Yeah!" "I think I'm in love with her, dude." "She looks like she's about 11 years old, but..." "I can wait!" "I solemnly vow to save myself for her." "That should be really difficult for you." "Are you okay?" "Yeah." "Good job." "I'm so proud of you, baby doll." "Are you okay?" "But getting shot, Daddy, it hurt a lot more than when you did it." "That's 'cause I used low velocity rounds, child." "You're the kindest daddy in the whole world." "No, I just..." "I love you." "I love you, too, Daddy." "Sleep tight." "What's your name?" "I mean your real name." "A superhero never reveals his true identity." "What?" "Look, you can't go on..." "However you lived before," "it's over." "Is there anybody else?" "Your family or..." "Look, I can take care of myself." "I saved your sorry ass." "What about money, huh?" "All right, 'cause you got to think long term." "I've got $3 million in a suitcase." "That "long term" enough for you?" "It's not all about the money." "I owe you." "If it wasn't for you, I'd be dead." "And if it wasn't for you, my dad wouldn't be." "Look, pack up whatever you need and we'll go back to my place." "I just need to clean my..." "Just go." "I meant like pajamas and clothes and stuff." "You can't take that stuff to my house." "You know what my dad really would have wanted?" "He would have wanted me to finish what we started." "And that's exactly what I'm gonna do." "Is this Frank D'Amico's place?" "All that security?" " Are you crazy?" " My mom already died for nothing." "So I'm sure as hell not gonna let my dad die for nothing, too." "You can't do this on your own." "Exactly." "Do you wanna deal with owing my dad?" "Then shut the hell up and pick your weapon." "Is that what I think it is?" "Damn straight." "And you better start reading the instructions, 'cause you're gonna be using it in about five minutes." "Yo, listen up." "We got five minutes, then I want you back on your posts." "And don't leave a mess." " Everything okay?" " Everything's all right, boss." "I can't believe I got my gun back." "Look at that." "You know, it's not the..." "Let her in." "It's a little kid." "What's the matter with you?" "You okay, sweetheart?" "I..." "I lost my mommy and daddy." "She lost her mommy and daddy." "You want to use my cell phone?" "Now can you remember the number?" "Help!" "Had I ever been a real superhero?" "The most I'd ever had to offer the world was good intentions and a slightly elevated capacity to take a kicking." "With no power comes no responsibility." "Except that wasn't true." " Did you hear that?" " Holy shit." "Take cover, please." "Shit." "No." "Shit." "What the fuck?" "Get in here." "Help me out!" "Holy fuck, Fashion, everybody's dead." "She's behind the counter." "She's out of ammo, okay?" "Do you think they got them?" "If they didn't, he will." "Get out there." "Now?" "Yeah, now." "What the fuck is going on?" "We got her trapped." "She's unarmed." "So what in the hell are you guys waiting for?" " Go get her." " Go on, man." " Go get her." " I ain't got no fucking gun." "I'm not going in." "You do now." "Now move." "Fuck this shit." "I'm getting the bazooka." "Bazooka?" "It's only me, boss." "Everything's under control." "Under control?" "You're grabbing a fucking bazooka, you dumbass." "Sir?" "Do it." "I always wanted to say this." "Say hello to my little friend!" "Dirty motherfuckers!" "Holy shit." "That is one weird-sounding bazooka." "Stu!" "Fuck!" "Get him." "Playtime's over, kid." "I never play." "Oh, really?" "Ruin my business, huh?" "Kill every single fucking guy on my payroll?" "God, I wish I had a son like you." "Time for a family reunion." "Hey." "Why don't you pick on someone your own size?" " Are you okay?" " Yeah." "Time to go home." "Thanks, Kick-Ass." "My daddy, he would have been proud of both of us." "Dave." "Dave Lizewski." "I know that, dumbass." "Mindy." "Mindy Macready." " Have a good day." "Bye." " Bye." "Mindy moved in with Marcus, and he enrolled her at my school." " Bye." " Good luck." "First school she'd ever been to, on the promise that I'd look out for her." "Hey." "Not that she needed me to." "Hey, new kid." "Hi." "Lunch money." "Now." "Kick-Ass was gone, but not forgotten." "And my world was much safer with all the new superheroes." "They said I was their inspiration, but all I did was make a door into a world I'd dreamed about since I was a little kid." "A world full of superheroes, huh?" "As a great man once said," ""Wait till they get a load of me. ""