"Tell me, Henry." "Why do you Want to be Mr. Schimidt's assistent?" "He's my hero." "I know everything about him." ""Possible stalker..."" "And why do you think you're qualified?" "Like him, I graduated in high school on sixteen" "Then I completed the 4 years computer science program at Harvard in just under two years." "during wich, I founded it at an internet start up, and I'm crawling two semester shy of my law degree." ""So..." "No law degree..."" "Let me tell you a few things about Walden Schimidt you may not know:" "The man is a genius..." "I do that !" ""Likes to interrupt..."" "He thinks in a different way than the rest of us." "His mind is always working." "Every time he opens his mouth," "It's because he has something important to say." "Loved the new toilet paper you bought, Alan." "It's like slide down on a rainbow." "Except the pot in the end, there isn't any gold in it." "When you hear something this good, you should write it down" "Sorry, Who is this?" "Oh, This is uhh.." "Henry Jhonson." "he's interviewing for the assistant job." "Uhh.." "Assistant job?" "Hi, Mr. Schimidt. ( Laugh )" "It's such a...." "( bu ta ta ta ta )" "Eye contact." "It's ok, Henry." "It is not." "Alan, Can I talk to you for a sec ?" "No problem, Mr. Schmidt." ""Hi"?" "Really?" "Not looking good, Hank." "What's up?" "Why are you interviewing Henry to be my assistant, when I just hired you to be my assistant?" "Oh, no, no, He's interviewing to be my assistant." "Your assistant?" "Oww, Intern, actually." "It's not gonna cost us a penny, and he's gonna do all the menial stuff I don't wanna do." "Why won't I just hire him for free and cut off the middle man?" "And in case I'm goin' too fast, you are the middle man." "But I'm the big picture guys" "Bringin Henry on to team Schmidt... woh, woh, woh "Team Schmidt"?" "Yeah, I am going to get hats and shirts made. well, Henry is." "We're gonna have a new slogan "No Bullschimidt"." ""Sh..midts Happens."" "You're a Sh.." "Midt head." "I hired you to be my assistant, to help you up financially, cause you had closed you chiropractor office." "I didn't have to close it," "I'm in a rent dispute People in rent dispute don't fake their own death" "Although, I'll get that." "You're looking good today, boss." "That's why you got good toilet paper so my ass is clean while he's kissing it." "huh, the twelve o'clock must be early." "Someone who really wanted this job, would've taken the initiative." "Too late, Harvard." "Hello." "Hi" "You Alan Harper?" "Yes, I am." "and ya, and you are ?" "Your niece." ""yourniece"?" "It's a.." "It's a pretty name. is that Dutch?" "No, I am Jenny." "I'm your brother Charlie's daughter." "Huh, Henry?" "Yes?" "Catch me." "Season 11 |" "First Episode - 01 \\ Nangnangnangnang " "Junior Valdevino Translates The best Show ever" "uhh, I'm, I'm sorry." "Did you say that you're, Charlie's daughter?" "Yeah.." "Listen, I got a wicked hang over." "You got any aspirin, ibuprofen, rums, scotch, tequila, vodka?" "Ahh, Yeah, Yeah!" "Come on in." "Uhh, Henry, Get her an aspirin and vodka." "On it" "The kitchen is that way." "Damn it!" "I can't believe this." "I mean, I can, but I can't." "How did this happen?" "From what my mom told me, oh, could we maybe turn down the lights?" "That's the sun." "Right." "I hate the sun." "It's like God calling you an alcoholic." "Anyway, according to my mommy, It was love at first sight." "They met at the bar," "They got drunk and had sex in the bathroom." "It was like a freaking Disney movie." ""Poka-hot-ass."" "Where did that kid go find the vodka, Poland?" "Huh, I don't mean to be rude, but how do I know that you're really Charlie's daughter?" "I mean, this could be some kind of scam." "I have a picture of us together." "it's here somewhere" "Ohh Look!" "( Laughs )" "My vagina." "Oh wait.." "That's no mine." "That's mine." "And there it go. it was taken at my forth birthday party" "Just for heads up, I might vomit." "Where's the nearst bathroom?" "Oh, right down the hall." "I think we're good, but it's always nice to have a plan." "Anyway this party was the last I saw him." "After that he just sent checks." "He, He sent checks?" "Yeah, my mom have anything to do with me but he always made sure I was taken care of." "He never had said a word about any of this to me." "I'm his brother." "were they big checks?" "Yeah." "I got one every month." "Bastard!" "My mom just called me special." "This Henry guy is awesome!" "Did you know I won a spelling bee in fifth grade?" "I didn't!" "Who is this?" "Henry's assistant?" "Walden, this is Jenny." "My brother's daughter." "Really?" "Hi." "Hi." "I didn't know Charlie had a daughter." "Neither did I." "He sent her checks." "Big checks." "Not that that matters now." "Every month!" "Hey, Am I related to Abercrombie  Fitch over here?" "No, I own the house." "Wow, I assumed it was Alan's." "So does he." "So uh, tell us more about you." "Not much to tell." "I was born in New York, I've been kicked out of a few private schools, tried to become a doctor to make my mom happy, dropped down and became an actress just to piss her off." "Actress!" "Owwn Your father loved actresses." "Yeah, I was only going to med school so I can write myself prescriptions for oxy." "Owwn, You father loved oxy." "Sorry it took so long." "Here it's the Vodka and two aspirins." "God!" "Hã" "I was wrong." "I am gonna puke." "Your father loved to puke." "So when I was like five, my mom married this total looser named Rob." "He moved in with us, never looked for a job and he's been sponging of forever since." "Who does that?" "So, huh, how long have you been in L.A?" "A couple of weeks." "And you get a place to stay" "He asks knowing full well she's a Harper." "Yeah." "Crashing in a friend's house." "That's great!" "Friends are great." "You should make some friends." "Alan." "So, just the two of you live here?" "Oh, well, my son, your cousin Jake, used to live with us, but he is in the army now, stationed in Japan." "Ohh, That's impressive!" "Because of the time he thinks he lives in the future." "Maybe we can call him and find out when this headache is gonna go away." "Ow, and huh, you have a grandmother." "Wow, that's great." "In theory." "When she finds out she has a granddaughter, she's gonna have a heart attack." "You know, I'm gonna call her right now!" "This is it." "This was your dad's room." "Wow, I always tried to imagine what my dad's life was like." "It's weird to finally see it." "I never met him but I Heard he was quite the guy." "He was a drunk man whore." "Like I said, quite the guy." "So, Huh..." "It's your Alan's room?" "What ?" "No!" "No, no, no, no, no..." "We're not." "I'm not... huh" "Really?" "You really don't think I could do better than Alan ?" "I don't know." "Maybe he's got a huge shlong." "We are not a couple." "and he doesn't.." "Which is fine.." "I mean.." "Not that the size matters," "Not that I was looking I am not gay.." "So, why is he still living here?" "Well, at first.." "Then..." "I don't know.." "So..." "Here's where your dad used to sleep." "I got a new mattress, and I replaced the carpet.. and the drapes.." "and pretty much anything that could absorb fluid" "Wow, If these walls could talk..." "They'd probably say:" ""Can I get a towel"?" "So, I wish there was more that Charlie left behind.." "You know, other than Alan." "So..." "My dad stood in the same spot staring at to the ocean." "Wonder what was going through his mind." "Wonder what he was thinking.." "Besides of course How can I nail those two hot surfers chicks out there." "Huh, now I'm thinking on it.." "Ohh, please.." "With your look and this house, I'm sure you'd do fine." "You think that, but the truth is, when it comes to woman" "I'm not the casual sex kind of guy." "And every time I do get close to one She pulls away from me and I wind up in this room .." "thinking where I went wrong again" "Alone." "So alone." "Huuuuh.." "Ohh Yeah, you're not gay." "Mom I have some news for you, sit down," "Ok, push him off and sit up." "I know this is gonna come as quite the shock, but it turns out Charlie has a daughter." "Mom?" "Mom?" "Are you dead?" "Ohh, good!" "Yeah I know, I know, It's crazy, right?" "Yeah, no, she's here right now.." "Come on over." "Ok, finish it first and then come over." "Good news, My mother is on her way over." "First time I've ever said that." "Wow, it's the family" "Uncle, grandmother, the step hot guy.." "I am sorry.." "I don't know what to call you.." "Ohh, step hot guy works.." "All it's missing is my dad.." "Actually, He's here too." "Umm, follow me.." "Huh, where we going ?" "Huh, you know how sailors get buried at sea?" "Yeah.." "I keep Charlie in the liquor cabinet.." "Let's see.." "Johnnie Walker, Jack Daniels," "Charlie Harper." "Huh, Looks different than his pictures.." "Charlie, this is your daughter, Jenny." "Hi, dad!" "It seems weird, Does it seem weird to anybody else?" "Yes, it's weird.." "Almost as weird as, When we take him to the movies..." "Charlie, I wish you were here, to see how beautiful your daughter turned out." "I think you'd be impressed.." "I think a lot huh..." "Ohh, not again.." "I ain't cleaning that up.." "Ohh, look!" "A quarter" "Unbelievable.." "You even mooch off the dead..." "One more..." "Yeah, you're Charlie's daughter.." "You don't seem very surprised..." "I'm really surprised there aren't more of you running around here.." "God, I loved your dad." "I remember the first time I met him." "He asked me if I knew how to do three things:" "Cook, clean and ..." "score an eight ball at two-thirty in the morning.." "I told him I did not know how to cook or clean." "And I've been here every since..." "I'm sure you have a story about Charlie that doesn't involve drugs." "Ok!" ".." "One time in Mardi Gras.." "Or alcohol" "It's all right.." "Once when Charlie was in Vegas, Or hookers" "Gee!" "you are really tying my hands.." "Ok, I got one.." "It was New Year's eve and Charlie Was super Not drunk," "He was with a crazy Not hooker, and he decided to have his sphincter bleached.." "Ow!" "Why?" "Because he care about women." "Unfortunately, it got infected and he needed me to dab a little ointment, so I," "I am sorry.." "Its just that I miss him, so much!" "God!" "Took the wrong Harper.." "Where's my granddaughter" "Did it just get cold in here?" "Oh my God, Look at you." "Mom, this is Jenny, Jenny, this is Evelyn." "You are so beautiful." "You remind me of me ten years ago." "Your father was the apple of my eye, my greatest gift, my reason for living." "Huh, hello!" "Hello, Alan." "I can't believe I finally have a grandchild." "You already have a grandchild, Jake." "Ohh, sure!" "So, Jennifer." "Actually, it's Jenny.." "Darling, you are not twelve anymore, It's Jennifer.." "We're going to have so much fun together." "Lunching, shopping, Taking care of those eyebrows.." "Where are you staying while you are in town?" "I'm crashing on a friends couch." "Not anymore, You'll stay with me." "Ohh, I love you Evelyn," "Ow Ow, If she's staying anywhere she's gonna stay at my place." "and by your place do you mean the office that you stopped paying rent at or the house that you never paid rent at?" "I'm not gonna let my mom screw her up like she did to me and Charlie." "Hey, I was a good mother.." "You know who was a good mother ?" "Our housekeeper, Adela.." "she even breastfed me." "She had just had the baby, and when the milk truck is parking on the street, you don't go to the grocery store" "Besides, you, you used to gnaw me." "You're a gnawer" "You know, she's gonna stay in Jake's room" "Ow, Ow, I do not want Jake's room to become Jenny's room." "You know, in fact, there is no Jake's room and there's no Jenny's room." "There's just Walden's room.." "and Charlie's room.." "Why not we let her decide." "Yeah, yes, it's up to her." "Is anyone listening to me?" "Jennifer!" "Where did she go?" "Nice job, Alan!" "you've made another women disapear" "Can you believe it?" "What did I do to her to make her hate me so much?" "Wow, What?" "You too?" "Ohh, Son of a... a nickel.." "This is ridiculous, We are never going to find her.." "I don't understand why did she run off like that.." "I can think of two reasons.." "First I lost my Charlie, and now I've lost my Jennifer." "You still have your Alan.." "Ohh, don't make it worse.." "Oh God, my granddaughter is gone forever!" "Ohh, there she is at the bus stop." "Ohh God, My granddaughter rides the bus.." "Jenny, what are you doing?" "Trying to get away from you people." "I just wanted to see where my dad lived." "I didn't want to screw up your family." "Ohh, for the record, they were screwed up long before you got here.." "It's true..." "Hey Hey If I am screwed up it's your fault, you raised me..." "I didn't raise you, Adela did." "Look!" "I already have my step family," "I don't need another one." "Ohh we are sorry, this is how we express our love." "through the hate.." "No, no, no, we don't hate each other.." "I mean the truth is my mom is an amazing woman!" "I mean, she raised two kids on her own, she's a successful business woman she has a impeccable taste, Thank you, Alan." "Ohh, right." "Alan is the reason I have my tubes tied" "Alan, is the reason I had my tubes tied.." "Because she knew, she would never do better than me." "Please, sweetheart, I just found you," "I can't loose you now.." "We want you to be a part of our lives, what do you say?" "Well, if I'm gonna be a part of this family, I'm gonna need a drink..." "Heard that, Charlie?" "Your daughter needs a drink.." "Looking wrong way, mom.." "A toast to Charlie Harper." "My brother, your son, your father and your..." "Guy who got hit by a train so I can buy his beach house.." "Sorry, Evelyn." "It's ok, I got the commission.." "To Charlie." "So, is that the bathroom, where the miracle of my life began?" "It is..." "Do you want to see it ?" "I do..." "I'll text the picture of it to my mom..." "She should give some guilt money.." ".." "Hi, everybody Out.." "Women visiting the place of her conception.." "I can't tell how relieved I am to finally have an heir." "Wait, what?" "She's my granddaughter," "I wanna provide for her, and since I wasn't around of her twenty five years of life," "It's only fitting that she inherit my estate." "You weren't around for the first forty five years of my life..." "You have Walden!" "Wow, Wow, Do I?" "Do you see a ring on this finger?" "Don't worry, darling." "There's a little something for you in my will.." "A little something?" "Look, if you knew you were going to get everything, you'd have smothered me with a pillow years ago.." "That is not true.." "If I knew I had money coming I'd hire a professional.." "How did it go?" "Great!" "I laughed, I cried, I peed." "How are you guys doing over here?" "Can I get you anything else?" "Yeah, we might need a designated driver, to get us back to his beautiful beach house.." "I will take you guys, I get off in fifteen..." "Great!" ", Thank's.." "She's cute..." "I told yaa" "A Malibu beach house could get you laid every time.." "Not every time..." "Ohh my God!" "This house is amazing!" "Well, it's, yeahh.." "and look at that view..." "It's even better from the bedroom Wanna see ?" "Yeahh.." "After you.." "Woah, Woah, Woah, Woah, Where you going?" "Up to show it." "Ow, you thought?" "." "Ohh, no, no, no, no, she's mine.." "Next time I will get two.." "What just happened?" "Charlie is back.." "Good morning.." "No, no, not good." "I slept in the guest room of my own house." "and I'm pretty sure, I'm still have some of your brother in my ear.." "Don't worry, tonight I'll tell Jenny that you better...." "No, there's no tonight.." "But she's family.." "Not my family.." "and I'm gonna tell her she can't stay..." "Morning.." "Hi." "You girls had a good night?" "Ohh, Yeah.." "I'm surprised I can even talk.." "You were saying.." "Shut up...." "Original subtitles by Junior Valdevino Improved upon by Sourabh Inani"