"Jason, I don't know what we're gonna do about dinner." "I've got to work late tonight or I'll never finish that story." "Don't forget Mike's got that dentist appointment at 3:00." "I can take him." "I cancelled my 3:00 patient..." "I moved my claustrophobic back to 6:00." "Great." "Can he cook?" "Maybe." "As long as he's not in an elevator." "Never mind." "I'll pick up something." "You know how long it's been since you and I have been alone together?" "We're alone now." "I'm talking about alone." "I mean, without our children... without our work, without our clothes." "Mom, where are my wings?" "Houston, it looks like I'm going to have to bring her down in the kitchen." "Mom." "Come on, Mike!" "I've got a dress rehearsal in 10 minutes!" "Oh, no, enemy plane." "Looks like a definite dogfight." " Mike!" " Mom!" "Okay, Mike, will you stop shooting your sister... and give the kid back his wings?" "Okay." "And Seaver steals the ball at mid-court." "He fakes left, fakes right, goes up and scores!" "Foul." "That's it." "Now the last one on that school bus... has to eat your father's pancakes for a week." "Gross!" " Bye." " Later, guys." "Nice." "I'm sorry, honey." "How can I make it up to you, huh?" "Well, see if this gives you any ideas." ""Bronx gorilla takes bride"?" "No, read that." ""Mount Snow getaway weekend. $189.95."" "Jason, look." "It's at the Hartley Inn." "Remember the last time we were there?" "Yes." "Fifteen years ago." "Right after we were married." "As I recall, we never did use our lift tickets." "And nine months later we had Mike." "Maybe we should have done a little skiing." "Boy, wouldn't it be fun to do that sometime?" " Well, how about this weekend?" " What?" "Yeah, come on, Maggie." "Why don't we just go for it?" " Really?" " Really." "Boy, it would be so much fun." "Let's see, $189.95 times two." "Do you think they'd charge full price for Ben?" "No!" "Because I'm talking about a Ben-less weekend." "A Ben-less, Carol-less, Mike-less weekend." "That's a pretty exclusive guest list." "Yeah, well, call me a snob." "Jason, where are we going to find a sitter on such short notice?" " I have the perfect candidate." " Who?" " Sit down." " Not Mike." "I beg you to sit down." "But, Jason, we've never left him in charge for more than six hours." "Yeah, well, our homeowner's policy covered most of that." "Come on, what's the problem?" "Honey, he's 15." "He doesn't even have his driver's license." "He doesn't have to drive the house, he only has to sit in it." "I know, but it's just that it's such a big step." "I agree." "It's a very big step." "For us." "What do you mean?" "I mean, it's tough to admit sometimes that your kids are growing up." "Jason, the boy just slam-dunked a grapefruit through his brother's halo." "I think Mike should be able to handle something like this." "The question is, can we handle it?" "You really think they'd be okay?" "I really think they'd be okay." "Okay, if they can handle it, I can handle it." " Then you'll go?" " You bet." "And you'll kick back and relax." "Jason, you are looking... at the first lady of relaxation." "Okay, one more time." "Emergency phone numbers." "In the kitchen, on the refrigerator." "Okay, poison drill." "Strong alkalis, acids, petroleum products." "Call the paramedics and drink milk." "Everything else?" "Check with the doctor and throw up." "If it isn't the first lady of relaxation." "We're just going over a few things, Jason." "Let's not make a big deal out of it." "Mike, here's $100." "I was going to do this for nothing, but thanks." "That's for emergency use only." "So, like, if we have emergency dates?" "Just kidding, Dad." "I find that humor keeps the little ones at ease." "Thanks for the tip, Mike." "Now, we want you guys to all try and get along." "Mike is in charge." "And I want to reassure you that if anything should go amiss... justice will be swift and severe." "Dad, don't you think there should be like a system... of checks and balances here?" "I mean, I can accept that Mike has a certain authority..." " just so Ben and I have..." " Baseball bats." "I'll get that." "Good afternoon." "I'm from the Facts Are Us encyclopedia company." "I'm sorry, sir." "But my parents really don't have time at the moment." "You see, they're about to go away for the weekend." "Okay, thank you anyway." "Have a nice trip." "Mike, you should never ever tell someone like that... that your parents aren't going to be home." "Not off to a great start, Mike." "Okay." "I mean, this guy did not look like the psycho killer type." "I see." "Tell me, smart guy, what exactly does the psycho killer type look like?" "That's very good." "Okay, that's it." "That's everything." "Look, by the time we get to the hotel it might be very late." " What are you guys going to do tonight?" " Probably just hang out." " Okay, so we'll call you in the morning." " Right." "We're out of here." "Your father and I are relying on you, Mike, and we have the utmost confidence... in your ability to take care of the house and... my babies." "Snow time." "Now, we wouldn't be doing this if we didn't trust you, Mike." "Maggie, let's go." "Okay." "Bye, everybody." "I think I can." "They've added stairs, you know." " Jason, look at this." " Looks great." "It's the same room we had 15 years ago." "Same furniture, same view." "Same bar of soap." "Not everything's the same." "No, they've sanitized the toilet for our protection." "I'm sure they held off as long as they could." "Remember what we did here, that very first night?" "You were crazy." " You still that crazy?" " Oh, I don't know." " Come on, I dare you." " Double dare?" "You're on." "Still crazy after all these years." "Look out." "You know, maybe we should call the kids." "Did somebody say we should call the kids?" " I mean, they feel so far away." " Yeah." " You know, 300 miles away." " Yeah." "Can you imagine how tiny they'd look from 300 miles away?" "Yeah." "How lost, how helpless, how abandoned." "Maggie, it's after 10:00." "We said we'd call them in the morning." " I know, but..." " And Ben's asleep." "You really don't want to wake him up now, do you?" "Sweetheart, why don't you just start unpacking or something?" "Okay." "All right." "I'll start by putting away your sweater." "Come on, honey, what's the matter?" "Jason, the phone's rung seven times, and there's no answer." "Eight, nine... ten." "Jason, that's 27 rings." " Maybe they're sound asleep." " Twenty-nine rings." "Three people could not sleep through 30 rings." "That's only 10 rings apiece." "Wait a minute, honey, come on." "Let me try." "Okay?" "Maybe you dialed a wrong number." "A wrong number." "You're right." "I could have done that." "I don't think I did that, but I could have done that." "Well?" "No answer, yet." "Honey, it's only been four rings." "Plus my 30." "Jason, something's wrong." "What could it be?" "Grilled hamburgers, all right." "Mike, do you really think Mom and Dad would let us have a barbecue?" "What's the big wow, Carol?" "We've had a barbecue before." "Never in the living room." "She's got a point there." "Yeah, all right, I'll do it in the kitchen." "How's this thing work, anyway?" "Never mind, I got it." "Carol, hand me another glass." "Thanks." "Come on, Mike, I wanted mine rare!" "Quick, I need something to cover the fire!" "Unbelievable!" "Now I have to start all over again." "It's too late!" "It's out of control!" "Guess this means we're eating out tonight." "Maggie, I think your imagination has gotten the better of you." "Mike would not barbecue our house." "Then what's going on?" "Why won't they answer the phone?" "Why don't we just think about this calmly for a minute, okay?" "We know they wouldn't do anything crazy." "Maybe they just decided to do something together." "Something they could all enjoy." ""Chapter 1." "My father's family name being Pirrip..." ""and my Christian name, Philip, my infant tongue could make of both names..." ""nothing longer or more explicit than Pip."" "I'll get it." "Darn, I was just getting into it!" "Remember what Mom said, "Don't open the door to strangers."" "He's no stranger." "He's somebody we know." " Good evening." " Hi, how are you doing?" "Come on in." "Thank you." "Thank you very much." "You kiddies all alone?" "No problem, sir." "Any decision that needs to be made, I can handle it." "In that case, I have something very special I'd like to show you." "All right!" "Hands up!" "Okay, over by the couch!" "Unbelievable!" "If you think that machine gun's gonna make us buy one of your..." " stupid encyclopedias..." " Shut up!" "And hold this." "Actually, this is a submachine gun." "Can anyone here tell me who first developed this weapon in America?" "Thompson." "This is a Thompson submachine gun." "Something you might know if you owned a set of my encyclopedias." "No, your parents couldn't be bothered." "They were too busy laughing at me." "You were all laughing at me." " The whole world laughs at me." " Maybe you could become a comedian." "And maybe you, little boy, could become a pork chop!" " Aren't you going to get the phone?" " Good idea." "Thanks for sharing that with me, Jason." "I feel much better now." "Who are you calling?" " I'm calling Ellen Coozman." " Good." "Hello, Ellen?" "Yes, this is Jason Seaver." "Yeah, well, we just called the kids, and there was no answer... so we just wondered maybe if you could run next door... and take a look at them and..." "Would you?" "Okay." "Good, thank you." "She's going to call us right back from the house." "Jason, I knew this was a mistake." "We should have never ever left them alone." "Honey, let's not panic, okay?" "I still say there's gonna be some reasonable explanation... why they're not answering the phone." "Yeah?" "Like?" "Well, like, it's not unusual for kids to become phone-shy." "Ellen?" "Yes." "What?" "They're not there." "God, where on earth could they be?" "I don't know." "Yo, Michael, looking good!" "Hey, you kids got IDs?" "Yeah, here you go, my man." "Carol Seaver, born 1953." "Looks good to me." "Ben Seaver, army discharge." "Nam, huh?" " Yep." " How was it?" "It was hell." "Wow, Mike." "This place is awesome!" "Yeah, how come you didn't bring us here before?" "Well, you know how old-fashioned Mom and Dad are." "It won't matter after tonight because I'm dumping school and starting work here." " Right, Slash?" " All right, Seaver." "I can always use another bouncer." "What about you two?" "Looking for work?" "Yeah, I want to be a bartender!" " I could be a waitress." " You got it, toots." "Hey, Mike, parts of me have been missing parts of you." " Why not take all of me?" " All right." "Hey, buddy, do me a favor." " Keep this for me." " Sure." " Three shooters and a bull maker." " Coming up." "Hey, babe, where you been all my life, huh?" "In school." "Now, leave me alone!" "Come here, give me a kiss." "Just a little kiss." "Come here." "Hey, watch it, dude!" "You got something to say, tough guy?" "Go ahead, make my day." "I'm calling the Huntington police." "516-555-9622." "I'm a mother, I'm a reporter." "I know these things." "Hello, have I reached the police?" "Yes, this is Jason Seaver." "Yes, Mike's dad." "I want to report three missing children... and it's been at least five minutes." "No, it could be seven, it might be seven minutes." "My wife and I are in Vermont, and we left the kids alone." "Yes, with Mike." "We phoned the neighbors, and they went to check the house, the kids aren't there." "15, Robin Lane." "Thank you." "Yes." "Okay." "Jason, you didn't leave them our phone number here." "No, that's because we're going home." "But, honey, it's a five-hour drive." "We can fly down and we'll take a cab, okay?" " That's where we belong." " Okay." "Okay." "Did you get, you got the goggles, didn't you?" " Please, yes, thanks." " Okay." "All right." "I have it, the damn key's bent now." " You sure you have the right one?" " Well, what does that look like?" "The hotel key." "Mike, what's going on?" "I'm tired." "Look, there's somebody in the house." "I want you guys to go down the garage roof, climb out on the oak tree... and call the police from the Coozman's." "Go on." "Oh, no, Jason." "They're really not here." "What are we gonna do?" "We'll check back with the police." "Okay, come on." "Yes, yes, please." "Thank you very much." "Well, the police were here at 11:00, and all the kids were here then." "But, Jason, they're gone now." "I know." "They're gonna send another patrol car over right away." "Freeze!" " That was quick." " Hands up." "Over by the rail." " No, you see..." " Move it!" "All right." " But we're the Seavers." "We live here." " The Seavers are in Vermont, lady." "No, we flew back." "We're them." "We're home." "All right, let's see some ID, pal." "It's not a good picture." "All right, why don't you go outside and get those kids and bring them in here?" " Where are they?" "Are they safe?" " You've found the kids." "Well, they were fine... until they heard some prowlers downstairs and called the cops." "They can't be my parents." "My parents are in Vermont." "I don't believe this." " My babies." " Not so fast." "Mike, are these your parents?" "Either that, or somebody's very clever with make-up." "Where were you?" "We worried about you." "Hey, thanks for keeping things fun." "What are you guys doing here?" "I mean, wasn't it enough to send the cops by once this evening?" "But, Mike, we called and you weren't here." "You said you weren't going to call till tomorrow." "That's not the point, Mike." "Where the hell were you?" "Mrs. Moisiodis made a bundt cake." "She invited us over for dessert." "And then she pulled out the vacation slides." "They went everywhere." "But we called at 10:00, Mike." "Where were you then?" "Norway." "Something to bear in mind, Mom." "If you've seen one fjord, you've seen them all." "Is that all true, Carol?" "Well, actually it was more a strudel than a bundt cake." "And the rest of it is about right." "What did you guys think we were doing here, anyway?" "Remember how we always swore we'd never do certain things to our kids... that our parents did to us?" "Did we just do one of those things to our kids?" "I don't know." "I think we handled it pretty well under the circumstances." " It could have been a lot worse." " How?" "It could have been us watching Mrs. Moisiodis' vacation slides." "Jason." "I guess we turned out to be pretty normal parents after all." "Oh, no, Maggie." "Are we normal?" " Pretty scary, isn't it?" " It is." "Say, do you think two normal parents... would go out at 3:00 in the morning... for a double-dipped banana fudge sundae surprise?" "I doubt it." " You want to be abnormal?" " Love to." "Okay, you go tell Mike we're going out..." " and I'll warm up the Volvo." " Jason, there's just one problem." " What?" " The Volvo's in Vermont." "English"