"Man:" "What I leave to you now, my greatest revelation... truth and facts certainly have their place in society, but do they really have a place in a court of law?" "No." "I'm moving on from this law firm today with a great sense of personal liberation, and therefore this was an easy decision to make." "Yeah, real easy..." "Because your father fired your ass." "Just like he demoted you, Uncle Jerry." "Good morning, son." "Don't start with me, mama." "All I said was good morning." "No, mama, what you said was," ""your life is going to hell." "You're being walked over." "And I still haven't gotten my flat screen TV for my bedroom."" "No, what I said was, "good morning"." "Yes, it is, and it's a new day, mama." "I'm going to have me some kale, start my day off, mama." "Okay." "Yeah, all-righty." "All right." "I'm going to save this for later." "Can I just say one thing?" "History has proven otherwise, mama." "Renee divorces you after 22 years." "22 years!" "I am not sorry that Renee is gone," "I just don't understand why you are letting her take everything." "Not everything." "You're still here." "Marcus, if you agree to this settlement today, you will be digging a financial hole it will take you years to get out of." "Your life will be a living hell." "My bedroom is 30 feet from my mother's." "Oh, I know hell." " Morning, daddy." " Don't you start with me." " So he's still..." " Yep." " And he won't... ?" " Nope." "Okay." "I'm not in denial and there is nothing to discuss." "Frankly, daddy, none of us would be in this situation if you hadn't broken the vows that you made before God." "Tell that to your mother." "She's the one who left." "All I know is I am saving myself so that when I get married, it is forever." "Honey, you can only save a pork chop for so long before it dries up and won't attract anything but flies." "And Marcus, fight for what's yours." "Take control of your damn life." "If I did that, none of your asses would be living here." "Have a good day!" "Good morning, Michael." "It's a new day." "Your ex's lawyer called." "Oh." "What does she want now?" "She already got my balls hanging from her rear view mirror." "They want to reappraise the building for the settlement." "They claim it was undervalued." "Fine." "I got to get to court." "No, no, no, no." "This is not fine." "If you lose this building, I could be out of a job." "It will work out." "Marcus, three years ago I was a bitter waiter at the American girl doll restaurant serving high tea to spoiled eight-year-old and their $300 dolls." "I drank every day." "Now I'm a paralegal and going to law school at night." "Please don't make me go back there." "What do you want me to do?" "Clearly I'm not an expert on relationships with women." "One time a girl asked me to take off her blouse, my response was, "okay, fine." "It doesn't fit me anyway."" "But what I do know is that women just want to be respected." "I appreciate everyone's concern, okay?" "But I'm fine." "I am great." "I don't need anything from y'all." "So, thank you." "Third floor, courtroom 2A." "(Theme music plays) ♪ mama said she didn't raise no fool ♪" "♪ one mind apart is never stronger than two ♪" "♪ I'm about the life, about to come on strong ♪" "♪ come on come on, come on, come on ♪" "♪ whoa, yeah ♪" "♪ one mind apart is never stronger than two ♪" "♪ whoa, yeah ♪" "♪ mama said she didn't raise no fool. ♪" "Yo, Ryan!" "We still on for golf on Saturday morning?" "7:00 A.M. tee-off?" "I can't." "Your dad's put the word out and I want to keep my job." "Sorry, buddy, but it's all over town." "No respectable firm will hire you now." "Allen!" "Lizzie, what are you doing here?" "Why aren't you in school where I pay good money for you to attend classes in a locked facility?" "And how did you get here?" "I hitched a ride from a cute boy I met in a van... $hawn." "The "s" in his name is a dollar sign." "Plus he owns, well, a van." "Did you tell your mother you left?" "I was going to, but then I thought, "no, don't."" "Well, if you're here to tell me you're running away, you have my blessing." "How can you talk to me like that?" "I'm your daughter." "Stepdaughter." "If you don't give me money to go shopping," "I'm telling mom to cut you off." "Oh, you really think you have more influence over your mother than I..." "I know, I know." "I was laughing at myself as I was saying it." "Jeez, that was easy." "Where did you get your parenting skills anyway?" "From the back of a Xanax bottle where it says "keep away from children."" "There's a 20." "Twenty?" "Do I look like I'm standing on a corner about to get into an Impala?" "Well, it's something to aspire to." "Mr. Brown, I summoned you here today to discuss your abhorrent conduct during our last trial." "From which I emerged victorious." "Thanks to misdirection, hiding behind technicalities, and something that was a very close cousin of jury tampering." "Your Honor, I think that's an exaggeration." "You used air quotes every time you said the words, "the law."" "That attitude is why" "I'm sanctioning you with these pro Bono cases." "Your Honor!" "Furthermore, stay and observe the next attorney." "Maybe you'll learn something about legal ethics." "I am well-versed in legal ethics." "How do you think I've avoided them for so long?" "Not my crowd." "Mr. Jackson, you're representing yourself today?" "Good to have you in front of the bench as always." "Well, it's an honor, Your Honor." "Judge, Mrs. Jackson has waived her right to appear today since both parties have agreed upon all the terms." "Mr. Jackson, this division of assets overwhelmingly favors your ex-wife." "But I get to keep 100% of the blame." "You get it?" "I fully understand, Mr. Jackson." "Still, let's give all parties the opportunity to review the terms one more time." "Court adjourned until tomorrow." "You know, 10 years ago I was right where you are." "Being stalked by a white guy in the bathroom?" "In the throes of divorce, vulnerable, confused, a little high on Darvon." "Do I know you?" "I am the guy who can help you get a more equitable settlement." "Allen Braddock, your legal savior." "Drumming up business in the men's room?" "Man, you must be desperate." "Look, I saw you in that courtroom today." "I could offer you a bit of advice that might actually benefit you." "You know what would benefit me?" "Not having you in my face." "Now watch." "I'm about to feel the benefit." "You're obviously in pain." "Do I look like I'm in pain to you?" "If emotional scars were visible, strip joints would go out of business." "And despite the look on my face, you still talking." "Fine." "Give it all away." "I'm sure that everything you've accomplished in life was easy to come by." "You don't know me." "I know you'll regret not accepting my help when you're riding home with your groceries hanging off the handlebars of your bicycle." "You going to help me or not?" "It's never a good idea to represent yourself in a personal case." "You know that." "You should have had another lawyer with you all along." "You're too emotionally involved." "Now, your wife is taking 70% of your assets and half your business." "How the hell did you get my settlement agreement?" "There are still some people who can be persuaded by charisma." "Yeah, but how did you get it?" "Just tell me what happened." "I work too much." "We grew apart and the divorce was my fault." "You are letting your guilt cloud your judgment." "Tell me, are you secure enough financially to retire comfortably?" "If I die Tuesday." "I've been through divorce myself." "Let me help you." "What's in it for you?" "What do you want?" " That's rather cynical." " What do you want?" "The satisfaction of creating a solidarity between two professionals." "What do you want?" "Take those pro Bono cases the judge dumped on me." "There it is!" "Listen, that judge asked me to observe you today because you're this great community activist, ethical, you always do the right thing." "But those same qualities are the reason you're taking it in the assets." "I really don't like you." "No, you don't like what I have to say." "No, it's you." "I can totally work around that." "(Growls) Ah... !" "Nothing says "I made it halfway to the American dream"" "like a storefront office." "Says the man who screwed up nepotism." "Hey, Marcus, I completed the background check on that seedy bathroom lawyer you met." "Turns out Mr. Allen Braddock is an arrogant shark who is privileged and pissier than a public pool." "Veronica, meet Allen Braddock." "Oh." "How uncomfortable for you." "For both of us." "Mmm." "Just you." "Veronica is our office assistant." "She also does investigative work around here." "How is your second marriage going, Mr. Braddock?" "Sorry to hear about your country club membership being revoked, but at least now you don't have to pay your $379 bar bill." "Well done, Veronica, I'm... fascinated at how I've equally mastered the skills of deduction and seduction?" "I only wanted to..." "Understand what cannot possibly be explained?" "You have rendered me speechless." "Your struggle is real, Mr. Braddock." "Welcome." "So, you must be the guy that got Marcus to postpone the settlement." "Allen Braddock." "This is Michael, my assistant." " How long have you been practicing law?" " Over 20 years." " Civil, criminal, or corporate?" " All of the above." " Success rate?" " 89%." " Favorite legal film?" " "The verdict."" "I'm guessing yours is "Legally Blonde."" "I like him." "Well, now that I've been thoroughly vetted, if I'm going to help you," "I'm going to need to see your financial records." "I got it locked in a safe upstairs." "What, you live above your office?" "Yes, with my daughter and my mother." "And your wife left you?" "Shocking." " So..." " Oh, thank you." "Allen, you married?" "Yes, to my second wife Kimberly." "She's young and beautiful and is driven by two intense needs... financial and sexual." "I take great pleasure in fulfilling them both." "She just asked you were you married." "All right, so this is interesting." "Tell me, Marcus, where is your ex-wife living now?" "In the rectory next door to the church." "Yeah, she started going to father Francis for spiritual guidance and ended up working there." "She does their bookkeeping, gets a salary, room and board... and according to this, she was also giving the church monthly donations of $500." "What... whoa, whoa." "What, what, what?" "Follow me on this." " She was unhappy in the marriage." " Mm-hmm." " She sought counsel from this priest." " Mm-hmm." "The she started working with him, then she divorced you and moved into the rectory where he now lives." "I say we go down to that rectory and find out what's really going on." "Mama, Michael:" "Mm-hmm." "Um-umm." "Dear Lord, forgive us our blatant trespasses, but it was his idea to trespass, almighty God." "Would you come on?" " This is interesting." " Oh, this is illegal." "Father Francis is in room 206." "Renee is in room 205." "Now my math is never as quick or exact as when I run into an old girlfriend with a kid, but these two rooms seem pretty darn close together." "Come on." "Aha!" "Aha, what?" "All right, not so fast." "Not so fast." "Let's get the hell out of here." "What are you so afraid of?" "Damnation, purgatory, hellfire, you." "Just relax." "Oh, Lord." "Jesus is looking at me." "Does he look mad?" "Does he look mad?" "Is there something on his mind?" "Aha!" "Now do you believe me?" "A priest with a reading lamp?" "This is a 20-watt light bulb." "You can't read by that." "But in a hot bed of desire, it's just enough light to see which end is up." "Are you crazy?" "No, let me rephrase that." "You're crazy." "Then explain this!" "Who ties rosary beads to a bedpost?" "A priest who likes to say his rosaries." "All four bedposts?" "You couldn't possibly be... who hurt you?" "What's this?" "A traveling exorcism kit?" "Heh heh." "Oh." "It is." " I'll just look in here, too." " No, let's not." " What the..." " We can find..." " we have to see..." " Oh." "I can't believe it." "I gave Renee that little heart-shaped box for our 10th anniversary." "Looks like Renee has been giving her "little heart-shaped box" to somebody else." "I can't believe my ex-wife was getting broke off by the one straight priest in Chicago." "Not only that, she was sleeping with him!" "Finally, somebody whiter than me." "You know, I never trusted that woman." "She was always so judgmental, and I can tell somebody's judgmental just by looking at 'em." "How could she do this with a priest?" "I'm guessing "missionary."" "This is a woman I lived with for 22 years trying to make me think it's all my fault." "And the entire time she's sleeping with father Francis, giving him a second coming." "Listen, I know this is difficult, but someone has got to acknowledge the elephant in the room." "So I'm just going to say it, Marcus..." "No." "No." "I knew it." "I was right!" "And you want to brag about that?" "No, no." "I'm sorry." "Nobody knows the sting of infidelity better than I." "I was actually there the night my mother caught my father being indifferent with another woman." "That's so sad." "Damn, man." "And all this time I'm feeling guilty?" "I'm a sorry-ass fool." "You listen to me, son." "You are always helping everybody else." "Now it's time for you to help yourself." "She's right, Marcus." "We finally have the leverage to change this farce of a settlement." "It's your call." "You deserve better." "Much better." "You know what, Allen?" "Start drawing up those new settlement papers." "You know what?" "I still don't like that guy." "Further scrutiny of Mrs. Jackson's current living arrangement has led both parties to a new agreement, which was submitted to your clerk this morning." "I am confident the court will approve of this new, more equitable settlement as presented." "But, you be the judge." "I am the judge, you fool." "Now as much as I resent ruling anything in your favor, Mr. Braddock," "I am happy to be finding in favor of Mr. Jackson." "I'm sorry that because of me you had to find out about your wife's indiscretions." "Yeah, and I'm sorry that your daddy had to fire you, but I can totally see why." "No, it was exhausting trying to live up to his expectations." "So what are you going to do now?" "You know, if we partnered up together, we could really help each other." "You know, maybe if we didn't partner up, it would be better." "I could generate some real income around here for you." "You need me." "You don't have no place to go, do you?" "Look, how long do you think you can be a man of the people when those people pay you in promises?" "Look, I appreciate what you did for me, but I don't need anything from you." "Here's a check." "Damn." "Maybe one thing I need." "And I need a place to practice." "I've been giving this a lot of thought." "But we just met yesterday." "For me, that's a lot of thought." "Eh, thanks anyway, but it's not going to happen." "Go on." "Touch it." "It wants you to." "(Groans)" "You know what?" "Just because I take this check doesn't mean I'm practicing law your way." "Not at first." "Oh, of course not." "Oh, and I won't ever lie." "I'd never ask you to, but I will teach you to tell the truth ten different ways." "That won't happen." "I think it already has." "And I already feel dirty."