"Previously on Weeds." "Conrad, this is Celia." "I fucked a black man." "Conrad." "Where's Conrad?" "Hey, I've been meaning to ask:" "is Conrad a popular name in the" "African-American community?" "You don't get it." "This is Princeton." "I can't get into Princeton." "I'm not deaf." "Did you just say what I think you've said?" "Megan and I broke up, okay?" "Basically, my whole life has been leading up to this, to here, to the rabbinat." "I think you're full of shit." "Are you letting me in?" "Provisionally." "You should run for City Council." "Doug would lose his mind." "I have a dead plant and a check for $80,000." "You need to find a grow house." "Where the hell did you get that kind of money?" "Sanjay burned the bakery down." "What do you do exactly?" "I'm a DEA agent." "Don't ever call me or contact me again." "I know you're a drug dealer." "So stupid." "Come on, Nancy." "Let's talk." "There are only 400 DEA agents in the entire world." "Stupid." "And it's our job to go after every single drug dealer." "So stupid." "Crystal meth labs in Colorado, heroin exporters in Afghanistan, cocaine growers in Colombia." "So unbelievably fucking stupid." "So when I come accross a suburban widow dealing dime bags to bored housewives, I like to flatter myself by thinking that I have more important things to do with my time." "Professionally speaking." "No offense, Nancy, but you're way below my radar." "Small patatoes, teeny tiny fish in a deep narcotic sea." "So, I'm thinking, if you're well enough, we grab a bite to eat, get a nice bottle of wine, try to figure this whole thing out." "You could be trying to set me up." " I'm not." " How do I know that?" "You just have to trust me." "Trust you?" "You're a DEA agent." "Natural enemies." "We're like that story, the scorpion and the turtle." " The scorpion and the frog." " Turtle." "Turtles have hard shells." "How can the scorpion sting through a hard shell?" "Sting 'em in the neck." "Repeat." "Stop being cute." "How long have you known?" "After we first met, when you blew me off." "I sort of snooped into your life, sorry." "Wasn't hard to figure out." "It is my job after all." "Are you wearing a wire?" "How do I check for a wire?" "Oh God!" "I love your chest." "God!" "I'm completely freaking out." "I love this wine." "Don't you love this wine?" "You're adorable when you're looped." "I'm not looped." "The alcohol flushes me." "It gives a natural blush." "All girls look better with blush." "At least, that's what my sister told me." "Jill?" "You're good." "Okay, let's say I quit." "Quit everything and got a job at Nordstroms." "Would you let me go?" "I don't wanna let you go." "Can't you just pretend you don't know what I do?" " Yeah, I could." " No, you couldn't." "Scorpion." "What if this is all an act you put on to nail dealers?" "Take them to dinner and profess my love?" "That's how I took down the Santiago brothers." "Still no way I can trust you ever." "Never ever." "Never say never." "I've had a little time to think this out." "And?" "I am a man with a plan." "A man." "A plan." "A canal Panama." " What?" " It's a palindrome." "It's the same backwards as forwards like Madam I'm Adam." "We're going to Panama?" "We're going to make this work." "Rise and shine, little girl." "What?" "School is not till 8." "Yes, but boot camp is at 6." "Boot camp?" "Yeah, you don't wanna be the fattest girl at fat camp this summer." "Do you?" "Okay, you guys, we begin now!" "Feel it in the chest!" "Left arm, pull!" "Feel it in the back!" "Yeah, I'm gonna be in the car." "Okay, okay, here we go." "Jump!" "Uno, dos, three, four, ..." "Do you want to join us?" " Me?" " Just you." "Not, it's not for me." "It's for my daughter." "I have a tape that I do at home." "No looky lose, just dooey does." "Yes, well, I've only paid for her." "So, go into your stuff." "Muy bien." "I've seen your posters." "What?" "You know de... campagna." " My campaign posters?" " Yes." "And to be winner, you must be thinner." "I don't have time for this." "And at $40 an hour, neither do you." "Talk to the muscles!" "Yeah, fuck my muscles." "You'll live to be 110 years old." "I'm 75 and I look 21!" "I just had this outfit drycleaned." " You okay, mom?" " Yeah, I'm fine." " He bullied me into this!" " No Ricardo's fault." "I went through chimo." " Oh, I went through chimo!" " Oh, me too!" "Yeah, well, I had radiation." " I had radiations." " So did I." "Plus I'm low blood sugar." " Type 1 diabetis." " Type 2 for me." "Oh, fuck you both!" "Sweetheart, don't worry." "Your mom is gonna be just fine." "Please..." "That bitch will outlive us all." " I heard that." " Good." "Alright!" "We're here to exercise." "We're not here to stand around." "Come on!" "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking." "We're encoutering some turbulence." "We'd like you to return to your seat and fasten your seatbelt." "Thank you." "Hey, shalom!" "Hi." "I'm doing an article for the school paper." "Mind answering a few questions?" "We don't have a school paper." "No, it's more of a prototype really." "Anyway, you're married?" "Dating?" "Living in sin?" "Not since my lover was killed." "Dead lover you say." "He was my commanding officer in the Israeli army." "Fucking Hamas suicide bomber piece of shit blew him up in a pizza parlour." "That is so awful." "The whole Middle East thing, I mean... why?" "Anyway, since hunting down Zev's murderer," "I've sort of been concentrating on my studies." "Well, grief takes us strange places." "You've lost someone close to you as well?" "My brother Judah dropped dead while jogging with his young son." "We were really close." "We were like brothers." "Judah... it's a beautiful name." "It means the praised one." "What's the story behind Yael?" "It's from the Book of Judges." "Yael invites a leader of the enemy army into her tent, gives him milk to drink, when he falls asleep, she hammers a tent stake through his skull." "I love judges." "Guess my parents expected big things from me." "In that case, how about I take you out to dinner some time?" "No milk, a little wine maybe." "To say thanks for everything you've done." "I have a policy never to date students." " Just commanding officers, huh?" " I was following orders." "Come on, I just..." "I just wanna say thanks... for saving me from being a victim of a road side bomb in downtown Baghdad." "Okay." "Fine." "Fine." "Hi, everyone!" "Sorry I'm late." "Rough day at the office, dear?" "I had some stuff to take care of." " Stuff?" " What kind of stuff?" "What do you do now that the bakery is gone?" "I'm looking for a small business to invest in, I look." "Today, I looked." "I might look again tomorrow." "You make this big deal about family dinner and then you show up late after disappearing all day." "Yeah, well, I'm here now so... give me a break." "Do we have any aspirin?" "Too many aspirin can give you bleeding ulcers." "Thanks for the tip, Shane." "What's for dinner?" "Lamb and couscous and ratatouille." "Why don't you pull up a seat?" "Goddamn plumbing!" "This house is built like crap." "It's gonna cost me a fortune." "So how was everyone's day?" " Okay." " Okay." "Okay." "...that's okay in Hebrew." "How was your day, Nancy?" "Okay." "It was okay." "I fucking miss you." "I miss you too." "Are you going to stop being an asshole?" "If we only have a few months together, I wanna make them count." "Really count." "I want us both to remember this time for the rest of our lives." "Starting now." "Fucking pipes!" "Anyway, someone's been flushing socks down your pipes." "Socks?" "What kind of socks?" "Tube socks." "Those with the stripes." "You have a son, say around 11 or 12 years old?" "He's probably been flushing his jerk socks down the toilet." "Jerk socks?" "He make the man salsa in the sock then flush." "I never went through this with Silas." "Silas used T-shirts and then tied them at the bottom of the laundry." "You or your husband oughta talk to him." "Otherwise I'll be back here in a couple of days to snake out your pipes all over again." "Thanks." "Me or my husband..." "If only Shane would have started whacking when Mr. Judah was alive!" "What have we done?" "Peter." "So what was it you wanted to talk about?" "You know how the... plumbing's been screwed up in the last few days?" "Yeah." "Turns out uh..." "Someone's been... flushing their socks down the toilet." " Socks?" " Socks." "Oh." "Any idea who might be doing that?" "Lupita?" "Why would Lupita flush her socks?" "'Cause she's too lazy to wash 'em?" "Shane, have you been flushing your socks?" "No!" "It's okay if you have." "I haven't." "Shane, have you noticed any changes in your body recently?" "What tiny changes?" " You know, changes." " I'm getting taller." " No, down there changes." " Down there?" "With your penis, Shane." "Have you noticed any changes with your penis?" "What's wrong with my penis?" "Nothing, that's just it, it's perfectly natural." "What's perfectly natural?" "Stuff that comes out when you rub it." "I have to go to school." "Go." " Talk to Shane about jerking off." " I'm all over it." "What am I looking at?" "Gated community." "Ain't no cops driving by." "Now discreet exterior, decent square footage, access to power lines." "We trust the landlord?" "We trust him to stay far away." "Mr. Avakian has been a client of mine for years." "Retired to Arizona." "As long as we pay rent on time and swear we're not Turkish," " we are golden." " Not Turkish?" "Armenians hate Turks." "Some Armenian genocide thing or something." "Just never order Turkish coffee in an Armenian restaurant, they'd fucking take your head off." "That's a great tip considering all the fine Armenian dining I do." "Don't knock it." "Nice Pastrami sandwich, some fattoush salad." "It's nothing to sneer at!" "Now you been eating some weird shit." "That's right, I heard you guys ain't adventurous eaters." "No, that's just not true." "'Cause real men eat the sushi." "Okay, I don't need to be a part of this conversation." "I just don't eat nothing called "fat tush"." "I'm sure you've had "fat tush" before." "No, see another stereotype." "Wait, wait, wait, I know there's a joke here." "Enough!" "Call Mr. Avakian and tell him we'll take the house." "It's really happening." " It sure is." " I feel good." "I'm not scared." "Don't make sense not to be just a little scared." "Well, I'm not." "Not even a little." "Baby... do you know about the evil eye?" "You need to stop talking like that." "Good, good." "Good, good, good." "Avakian wants to know if he has to paint." "Negative on the paint." "It's ours." "Listen up, people." "Now that we're stepping up, we gotta watch our shit." "Growhouses get busted for like girlfriends who want revenge, ex-wives who don't get their alimony check." "It's fucked up personal shit that will get you popped everytime." "So we tell no one... about this place." "We're clear?" "Sorry, I'm late." "What did I miss?" "Uh, Conrad just said something." "Conrad..." "Here." "What's this?" "Filed papers for my campaign." "Notarize them, send them in." "Charge it to the office Fed Ex account, save everyone a few bucks." "Yeah." "Sure." "You're the Conrad who fucked my wife." "Oh, terrific!" "Um..." "Look, man, I don't have to say I..." "Alright, you know what..." "No, no, fair is fair." "Fair is fair." "Fair is fair." "You get one free shot." "Wait!" "I need time to plan." "What the fuck!" "Yo!" "Ain't no planning." "You hit me now or the offer is off the table." "I never hit a man before." "And..." "I'm not good under pressure." "You have to let me take a raincheck." "You're taking pussy to a whole new level right now." "Please... you did bang my wife." "Fine." "Just no sucker punches to the stomach." "That's how Houdini died and I ain't going out like that." "Jesus!" "I'm surrounded by the fucking Lost Boys." "Alright listen closely, I'm not gonna beat around the bush." "Your little body is changing, it's all good, believe me." "Problem now is... everytime we jerk the gherkin, we end up with a lot of unwanted sticky white stuff everywhere, right?" "Right!" "So, first order of business..." "No more socks." "They're expensive, gumming up the works plumbing-wise." "You might be thinking to yourself "but Uncle Andy, what do I do with all that pearl jam if I can't spew it in the mystery sock?"" "Glad you asked." "You can have a lovely time tugging the tiger in the shower each morning." "That eliminates the need for a goo glove." "But the day is long, masturbation's fun, so unless we wanna take 4 or 5 showers everyday, we're gonna need some other options here." "So let's start with the basics." "Tissues." "Perfectly acceptable backstop for all that creamy italian." "It can be rough and dry on such soft sensitive skin, not to mention that can stick to your dick head like a fucking band-aid." "Aouch!" "From there we move on to more lubricated ***, specifically bananas." "Step 1: peel the banana." "Step 2: slip the peel over your Andy Johnson, start pitching." "Now for extra credit, warm up the peal in the microwave..." "Not too hot!" "Serious yowza." "Also olive oil, moisturizer, honey, spit, butter, hair conditioner and vaseline can all be used for lube." "In my opinion, the best lube... is lube." "So save your allowance." "Invest in some soon." "Alright, moving on." "When you tug your Thomas on the toilet... shoot right into the bowl." "In bed, soft t-shirt, perhaps a downy handtowel if you're very horny and you don't mind tossing after tossing." "There's no such thing as polishing the raised scepter of love too much." "It reduces stress." "It enhances immune function." "Also: practice makes perfect so work on your control now while you're a solo artist." "You'll be playing some long happy duets in the future." "Alright, class dismissed." "Hey!" "Homework." "Still using that anti-bacterial soap?" "It's good for the baby." "Fucks up the baby's immunities." "It don't fuck up the baby's immunities." "Girl, that child needs to get germs and bacteria so he can fight 'em off and develop antibodies." "Keep killing everything around him and his immune sytem is gonna be for shit." "Wind up living in a fucking bubble." "Actually, she's right." "Overuse of anti-bacterials can lead to..." "Not your baby, stay out of this." "Yeah, stay out of it." "I've got this." "Trying to turn my grandbaby into a bubble boy!" "And I ain't having it." "Ooh!" "Lord!" "It's him." "That's him." "Quick, give me that weed." "What's going on?" "The prince of pies." " What?" " It's him." "He's here." "I said get rid of it." "Time to melt Snowflake." " What?" " Alright." "That's her." "The money." "Good afternoon." "Hi." "I'm Nancy." "Okay." "I brought you a bean pie, Heylia." "Oh, Joseph!" "Aren't you lovely!" "I've never had a bean pie." "Lucky you!" "So, how much do I owe you?" "That will be $24." "Do you have any more?" "I'll buy one." "I'm out." "Best be going now." "You know, I was just about to take my exercise so why don't I walk next door with you." "That would be lovely." "Nice meeting you, Joseph." "Okay." "What was that about?" "That was about the mountain coming to Mohammad." "He barely acknowledged my presence." "You're the white devil girl." "He's Nation Of Islam." "Y'all two ain't never having coffee." "Now, do me a favor." "Please take some of his fucking little pies with you." "What's in a bean pie anyway?" "Ground up white babies and nutmeg." "Hmm." "My favorite." "What happened to you?" "Pulled a muscle in my cooze in bootcamp." "Alright?" "Happy you asked." "So, what brings you by, Celia?" "I know that you're depressed, I'm here for you." "Me?" "I am here to pull you out of it." " I'm not depressed." " Bullshit!" "Your business burned down." "Kids... busy with their lives of their own." "Brother-in-law feeds off of you like a parasite." "You haven't been laid in God knows how long." "And you haven't been to PTA in over a month." "What are you doing?" "I'm fine, Celia." "So what do you do all day?" " Things." " What things?" "Okay, you didn't hobble over here with your icky vagina just to chase my blues away." "What do you want?" "Please, work on my campaign." "Please!" "Doug is a turd, Pam is an idiot." "You just keep me company." "I don't even care who you vote for." "I have a broken crotch, you need to get out of the house, it's win-win." "Please!" "Just say yes." "You know if you don't, I'll never stop harrassing you." "Fine." "Fine." " Hi, Mrs. Hodes." " Hello, Shane." "How do you get your kids to eat fruit?" "Shane's been on this whole banana kick lately, maybe he needs potassium, I don't know." "Well, I'm gonna go home and ice my beaver." "See you next Tuesday." "Hello." "Hey there." "Just thinking about where we were less than 24 hours ago." "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking." "We're encoutering some turbulence." "We'd like you to return to your seat and fasten your seatbelt." "Thank you." "We'll get you something to wear when we land." "No one but us has to know about this." "Our secret." " Strictly business." " Strictly business." "This means they can't make you testify against me?" "They can not make me testify against you." "And I get to hang on to the certificate." "The certificate is all yours to do with it what you will." "Anything else?" "I need to be home in time for family dinner." "Howdy, people!" "Y'all are gathered here today to join these two... hound dogs in holy matrimony!" "Do you trust me know?" "When you did this with the Santiago brothers, did they wear white?"