"ANNOUNCER:" "In the last episode of Soap," "Burt was being held captive by some aliens, and a fake Burt was sent down to the Campbell household." "The only difference between the real Burt and the fake Burt is, the fake Burt hasn't held a woman in 2000 years, so while the real Burt is being held captive, the fake Burt is holding Mary." "Benson told the Tates that the Soonies are holding Billy against his will." "The Major held a meeting with Donohue, Chester, and Benson, and they are going to try to rescue him." "Mrs. David arrived from Texas with Jodie's baby, and now that he'd held her, he never wants to let her go." "Confused?" "Hold on." "You won't be after this episode of..." "Soap." "This is the story of two sisters," "Jessica Tate... and Mary Campbell." "These are the Tates... and these are the Campbells... and this is..." "Soap." "[LOUD CRASHING]" "[♪]" "We begin this episode of Soap the morning after Fake Burt's arrival." "[FALSETTO] I need this?" "I don't have enough strain with that paternity suit?" "I need to stay up all night?" "[NORMAL VOICE] Bob, Burt and Mary haven't even seen each other in days." "They miss each other." "They're animals." "What the hell were you doing last night?" "All my pictures fell off the wall." "Look at her, grinning like an idiot." "Can you believe this?" "What is he on?" "Some kind of drugs?" "What do you want for breakfast?" "You." "Oh, I'm going to vomit." "Breakfast?" "[GASPING]" "The usual." "I'll have the usual." "But you eat something different every day." "Oh." "Uh..." "That's what I mean." "I'll have a little bit of everything." "Hi." "Pervert." "Hi, Dad." "Hi." "You know something?" "You remind me of my brother." "You don't have a brother." "Oh, uh..." "Well, no, I meant my fraternity brother." "He reminds me of my fraternity brother." "[CHUCKLES]" "You were in a fraternity?" "Oh, yeah, sure." "All the popular guys were." "Mm-hmm." "But you didn't go to college." "Well, it wasn't a college fraternity." "It was a construction fraternity." "[TOAST POPS]" "Good God, what is that?" "The toaster." "Right." "The toaster." "Makes hot, dry bread." "JESSICA:" "Yoo-hoo!" "Mary!" "Hi, Jessie." "Oh, Burt!" "You're home!" "How wonderful!" "Oh, Burt." "We were so worried about you, Burt." "Oh..." "Welcome home, Burt." "Hi, Mary." "Hi." "Oh-ho-ho." "Hubba, hubba." "Tell me about it." "So what's happening with Billy?" "Have you heard anything?" "No, not yet." "They're all hiding out as Negroes until it gets dark." "And Chester, by the way, looks wonderful as a Negro." "It..." "It goes so well with his hair." "It's a wonder she doesn't tip over." "She can fall on me any time." "[HOOTING]" "He's a cute little guy." "Yes, he is." "Uh, have you heard from Danny?" "Danny?" "Mm." "My stepson from my wife's first marriage." "Oh, yeah." "No, but I have to assume he's okay." "I mean, we checked with the police, the hospitals, and the morgue." "Uh, Mary, uh, do you have any plans for after breakfast?" "Yes." "Do they include getting naked?" "No, they don't." "Come on, just a little bit, come on." "Stop it..." "MARY:" "Burt, go to work." "Okay, I'm going, I'm going, but, uh... get some rest." "I'm coming home for lunch." "Mm." "Bye, Burt." "Bye, Jess." "[WHOOPING]" "My goodness." "Burt's very... exuberant this morning." "Jessica, I don't know what's come over him." "What do you mean?" "Uh... he is a completely different lover." "We have been up all night long." "Well, Mary, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink." "No, Jessie, I mean he has become incredible." "Mm?" "Oh, Burt was always a nice lover." "Pleasant." "Reliable." "Sort of like Old Faithful in Yellowstone National Park." "You know when it's gonna be." "You know what it's gonna to be." "You know how long it's gonna be, and sometimes you wonder what the big attraction is." "I know." "That's why I never went there." "That, and the bears." "Were there bears there, Mary, when you went there?" "I never went there, Jessica." "Really?" "Because you seem to know so much about it." "Well, I would love to stay and hear all about Yosemite, but I'm just so nervous about the rescue." "I think I'd feel better if I were at home waiting." "Would you like to come over later today and visit?" "Oh, not today." "I've got to get some sleep." "Burt's coming home for lunch." "Maybe tomorrow." "Yes, then you can tell me all about your trip." "Bye." "Let's try it again, Billy." "Sleep." "No, Billy." "No sleep." "Not yet." "You must first tell us who is lord and master." "Who is lord and master, Billy?" "It's Reverend Sun, isn't it, Billy?" "[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES]" "[YELLS]" "Now, Billy, we don't want to have to give you any more electrical shock." "So just tell us, who is lord and master?" "Billy... who?" "Reverend Sun is lord and master." "Ah." "He's cleared." "This is wonderful." "Very good, Billy." "Reverend Sun..." "Very, very good." "Is lord and master." "We'll come back for a visit tomorrow." "Reverend Sun..." "In the meantime, sleep." "Reverend Sun is lord and master." "Come, Roger." "Reverend Sun is lord and master." "Good night, Billy." "Reverend Sun is lord and master." "Reverend Sun..." "[RASPBERRY]" "See that?" "She's smiling." "Why is she smiling?" "Gas." "That's what you said last time." "Last time was eight seconds ago." "You mean, every time she smiles it's because she has gas?" "Now, look at that." "She's smiling right at me." "That's not a smile for gas." "That's a smile for Daddy." "Oh, God." "What's the matter?" "She's frowning." "Why is she frowning?" "Gas again." "[LAUGHS FLIGHTILY]" "Now what's the matter?" "What do you mean?" "Well, she's not doing anything, just lying with her eyes closed." "I think they call that "sleeping."" "She went." "That's not normal." "I'm calling a doctor." "She went." "Jodie, honey, babies go." "But she went an hour ago." "Jodie's, she's just a little baby." "All right, I'll change her." "Oh, no, let me do it." "Oh, please." "I want to do it." "Alice, I want to do it." "Please." "Oh, you'll be late for work." "Let me do it." "Come here, little Wendy." "Come here, little girl." "Yes." "Oh, yes." "[CRYING]" "Bye, Daddy." "Yeah." "Oh, yeah." "I guess I'm being, uh... a little overprotective." "Oh, I think it's beautiful." "You're a wonderful father." "You're a wonderful grandmother for bringing Wendy to see me." "Thank you, Mrs. David, and please, thank Carol for me." "Actually, Carol had nothing to do with it." "She doesn't even know we're here." "What are you talking about?" "Carol's gone." "She ran off with a cowboy." "Actually, he's not a real cowboy." "He just dresses like one." "Carol doesn't want the baby?" "But I know you do." "That's what I came here to find out." "You're going to let me have her?" "It depends." "What are you talking about?" "Jodie, I hate to say this..." "It's because I'm gay." "No, Lord sakes, you're the father." "I like you." "Then what is it?" "Alice." "Alice." "Look, I know what you're thinking." "If I can accept you, I can accept her." "I mean, I know it's silly." "What's another homo, more or less?" "But Jodie, I just can't help it." "One homo, fine, but two homos, that's just one homo too many." "Mrs. David, excuse me, but this is my home, and Alice is my friend." "Now, I am very grateful to you for bringing Wendy to see me, but seeing as how Carol abandoned her, she is now my legal responsibility." "But Jodie, if you insist on having Alice stay here," "I'm going to have to take the baby back to Texas with me." "I'll take you to court." "You'll lose." "No, I won't." "Two homosexuals bringing up a little baby?" "You won't stand a chance in court." "Oh." "Jodie, I'm sorry." "I don't want to hurt you." "I..." "I don't want to keep you from your daughter." "But I'm her grandmother, and I can't help the way I feel." "You're asking me to choose between my best friend and my child." "If you love your child, the choice is easy." "Wait up." "Slow down." "Your steps are too big." "Get yourself a pair of legs, pal." "All right, through that door." "Hey, come on, guys..." "[DOOR WHOOSHES]" "Come on, listen, I can't..." "Listen, you don't understand." "My wife, she really gets very upset..." "Hey, pal..." "Hey!" "I'm entitled to one phone call, you know." "The bunk on the bottom belongs to me." "Fine." "Also, the front of the closet belongs to me." "Good, right." "And in the morning," "I'm the first one in the bathroom." "I don't care." "I'm Saul." "Burt." "How long you been here?" "4000 years." "You're looking good." "I never eat salty foods." "Yeah, no, I..." "How..." "How long have you been here?" "4000 years." "Hey, uh, but Saul?" "Hey, Saul..." "I swear." "Listen, when they captured you, they didn't tell you they're going to let you go soon?" "Yeah." "They have no concept of time." "They say, "Wait a second,"" "two, three centuries whiz by, vwoop." "Fortunately, no one gets older here." "No one gets old...?" "What do you mean," ""No one gets older here"?" "Look..." "Look at me." "Look at me." "I'm 4064 years old." "What do you think I owe it to?" "A terrific moisturizer?" "I don't understand." "What do they want us for?" "What were you doing when they captured you?" "I was a writer." "I was collaborating on the Bible." "The Bible?" "Exodus." "Oh, wait, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute." "You didn't write Exodus." "Oh, hey, I saw Exodus." "Otto Preminger wrote it." "Okay?" "No, listen." "It was..." "It was Eva Marie Saint and Sal Mineo." "What are you talking about, "Sal Mineo"?" "I'm talking about Exodus." "The real McCoy." "Moses." "Moses?" "Yeah, Moses." "Oh, right, well..." "Listen, uh, Saul, excuse me, but I've got to get going, because my wife's going to be worried sick." "Your wife?" "I told my wife I was going out for some camels." "That was 4000 years ago." "Oh, yeah, sure." "Excuse me, Saul." "Uh, you guys have anything in the way of a single room?" "Come over here." "Come on." "You think I'm crazy." "Oh-hoo!" "No." "Come on." "Uh, you're perfectly sane." "A 4000-year-old man who knew Moses." "I didn't know Moses." "My wife was two years behind him in school." "This is terrific." "I'm in outer space with a lunatic." "[MIMICKING] "Da, da, da, lunatic."" "Listen, listen, Burt." "Although I am known for my delightful sense of humor, this is no joke." "They captured me just like they captured you." "I am not a lunatic." "They are a very advanced people." "You saw how they beamed you up." "Well, they abolished aging." "Sometimes I wish I was a lunatic, and then this wouldn't be real, and we would stand a chance." "Yeah, well, I'm not staying here, pal." "I'm going to escape." "Burt, I've been trying to escape for 4000 years." "No one has ever gotten away from here." "No one, ever." "You might as well relax, Burt." "You're here to stay." "Forever." "You've got five minutes." "Dutch!" "No physical contact, no loud or rude behavior, and no eating." "I could have just phoned." "Fine." "No rudeness." "Thank you." "He's gone." "Honey, this place is a slime pit." "That matron searches you like you've got an arsenal in your pantyhose." "Dirty screws!" "Eunice." "Please." "Honey." "Come on." "We only got five minutes." "Give me your handbag." "What?" "Come on, give it to me." "I come to visit you, and you're holding me up?" "Lipstick, rouge, eye crap." "Great." "That's everything I need." "Stepping out tonight?" "Come on, Eunice, quit clowning around." "Help me get into this stuff." "Dutch, is there something about you that I should know?" "What?" "Oh, you guys, you're doing a play." "Little Women, right?" "What?" "Zip me up, will you, darling?" "Oh, honey," "I know it's lonely here in prison, but really, this is too much." "The tights, the tights." "Why didn't you just shave your legs?" "Are you kidding?" "I get razor burn." "It stings like hell." "Dutch, what are you doing?" "Eunice, I don't have time." "I'm escaping." "You're escaping?" "I've been planning this for weeks." "What, are you crazy?" "You can't escape." "I got you a release." "Huh?" "A release." "I got you a release." "The D.A. says you can be on the street in two weeks, if you just cooperate." "And may I say that those shoes with that handbag are out of the question." "A release?" "A release." "All you have to do is sign a statement saying you'll turn state's evidence." "Honey, this is horrible." "Couldn't they get you something in a solid color?" "Eunice, this was planted here by a guy named "Knuckles."" "What do you expect?" "And you can forget about that state's evidence stuff." "I ain't no stool pigeon." "Here." "Give me those earrings." "This is crazy." "Why can't you just cooperate with the authorities?" "Eunice, what kind of a man do you think I am?" "We got a code in prison, Eunice, and the code says," ""A man doesn't fink on his fellow inmates."" "A code?" "You're choosing some stupid code over me?" "You're willing to blow any chance we have of being together for a code?" "Honey, this could be my last chance." "Your last chance?" "What about me?" "It could be my last chance." "Dutch, let me tell you something..." "Honey, I don't have time." "Listen to me." "Dutch, all my life," "I lived in my sister's shadow." "She was always the beautiful one, always the talented one." "She got the ballet lessons, and I got her hand-me-downs." "She was the apple of everybody's eye until you came along." "You made me feel like I was somebody special." "Like I was important and wonderful." "You were the first one to look at Eunice Tate and say..." ""I love her... for what she is."" "Don't you see, honey?" "You are my last chance, and I love you so much." "Gee, honey, I'm sorry." "I didn't know." "Well, I never told anyone before." "I guess that's just how it is when you're the little sister." "Well, yeah, I guess, only..." "Only what?" "You're not the little sister." "Corrine is." "Well, so what?" "It makes a better story." "The point is, darling, I love you." "I love you too." "Oh, my God." "[WHISPERING] Phase one accomplished." "We made it." "The diversion worked." "I don't believe it." "Incredible." "We must have scaled that wall in 15 seconds." "I've got to hand it to you, major." "Nice work, sir." "Thank you, Bentley." "Benson." "It's unbelievable." "It's absolutely unbelievable." "[LOUDLY] In-freaking-credible!" "We've done great so far." "Let's not blow it." "If they catch us now, we're sunk." "Sunk?" "What do you mean, "sunk"?" "Sunk." "The big sleep." "Game time." "No extra point." "Good night, Irene." "Good night." "Shut up, you little twerp." "God, how I hate you." "Insect." "Lardo." "Hey, stop, stop it, stop it." "Somebody's coming." "I can't get up." "This one's mine." "Yours is the little one." "There is no little one, you moron." "They're all the same size." "[MONOTONE CHANTING]" "That was close." "Now, we've got to keep ourselves very carefully hidden, or we'll get caught." "No, we won't." "Just hide behind pork belly here." "Benson, will you tell him to shut up?" "Shut up." "Thank you." "Shut up." "Hey, you." "ALL:" "Who?" "What do you think you're doing?" "Who are you?" "Who are we?" "The Step Brothers." "Where's the audition?" "Audition?" "Here?" "Oh, the audition's here?" "Okay, well, let's hit it, fellas!" "[STOMPING RHYTHMICALLY]" "Hey!" "Take it home." "Let's take it home." "Good work, Bronson!" "Benson!" "Oh, we're running behind schedule, men." "Now, look," "Colonel, you and Corporal Donohue have got to approach the room on the right flank, and Bernbaum, come with me." "Who is Bernbaum?" "You are, Bernbaum." "After you." "Go ahead." "I insist." "You little wimp." "Hey, fat boy!" "Billy." "Are you all right?" "Uh-oh." "[GUN CLICKS]" "SOONEY:" "We've been expecting you." "[♪]" "ANNOUNCER:" "Will Dutch and Eunice find happiness?" "Will Mary ever realize that the Burt she is living with is a fake?" "If she does, will she keep him anyway?" "Is Saul right and Burt is really trapped on the spaceship forever?" "If so, will they do his laundry?" "Who will Jodie choose... his baby or Alice?" "What's going to happen to the Step Brothers now that they're caught?" "Will they be able to dance their way out of this one?" "These questions and many others will be answered in the next episode of..." "Soap." "Soap is videotaped before a studio audience."