"Previously on In Treatment." "You've been fighting me for two months, saying Laura, Laura, Laura." "And you've been waiting for this imaginary Gina of yours to give you her blessing." "Paul," "I'm not what's stopping you." "You're fighting yourself." "Maybe you can only be the Paul you want to be with her." "So, go to her." "Find out." "(Dials)" "(Ringing tone)" "(Recording) Hey, it's Laura." "I'm not in right now but..." "(Ringing tone)" "Hey, it's Laura." "I'm not in right now but if you leave your name and number I'll call you back. (Beep)" "Laura, it's, uh..." "It's Paul." "Are you there?" "I guess you're not." "Hm." "I, uh..." "I'd really like to talk to you." "I know that you're upset, and, um... (Sighs) ...I understand that I've hurt you." "And... believe me when I say that was the last thing I wanted to do." "And I suppose I should hear what you're saying to me with your silence..." " Hello." " Oh." " You're there." " Yes, I'm here." "Are you OK?" "Yes, I'm OK." "I've been leaving messages and..." "Yeah, I know you have." "I'd really like to see you." "I think we should talk." "OK." " Where do you wanna meet?" " Come to my house." "You have the address?" "Yes, I do." "(Exhales)" "What are you doing?" "Are you watching me sleep?" "Um... yeah." "Are you going out?" "Yeah, I'm..." "I'm going to see Laura." "(Doorbell)" " Hi." " Hi." "It's weird to be opening a door for you." "I'm used to the other way around." "Mm." " You sound sick." " It's just a cold." "I'm over the worst of it." " Probably look like shit." " No, you look great." "You're such a liar." "Come in." "Can I take your coat?" "Thank you." " You cut your hair?" " No." "Hm." "Guess I remember it longer." "Well, this is, um..." "it's quite a place you have here." "Thank you." "Andrew did the decorating." "It was a mess when we met and then it became this." " Because of your influence." " Oh." "Yeah, right." " He was always cleaning up after me." " Mm." "Well, it's quite a place." "Don't look in any of the closets." "Those are the chairs that Andrew reupholstered," " Oh, yeah." " I think I told you about those." "Mm-hm." " Is it weird being in a patient's house?" " You're not a patient." "Is this how you imagined it?" "(Laughs) I don't know what I imagined, really." "I..." "Smaller, perhaps." " More bright colours." " Hm." "Hm." "Don't know." "Did you see this exhibition?" "No, I tried but the lines were insane, so I just bought the poster." "Did you see it?" "Yeah." "It was amazing." "It was a bit of a zoo." "Not the optimal way to look at art, but..." "Anyway, we... we tackled our way through it." "Mm." "Do you want something to drink?" "Uh, water would be great." "Thanks." "You, uh..." "Do you need me to, uh..." "to give you a hand?" "With a glass of water?" "I think I can manage." "(Buzzing)" "Are you sure just water?" "A friend came by and stocked my fridge." "I got juice, mineral water, some amazing chicken soup." " Um..." " (Beep)" "No thanks." "It's, uh..." "It's OK." "Rack of lamb, maybe?" "So, uh..." "So, uh..." "So have you seen Andrew?" "Um, are you on, uh... speaking terms?" "Yeah." "Actually he's the one that came by with the soup." "You know how things are, one thing led to another and the next thing you know we were..." "My friend Jeremy came over and brought the food." "Orthopaedic surgeon." "He's gay." "No, he seems fine." "Resigned." "Or is it relieved?" "I was kidding before about Andrew." "I'm sorry." "I know that." "Have you been upset with me?" "Not upset..." "Frustrated." "I just don't know what I am to you, Paul." "I..." "I mean, I'm not your lover." "I'm not your girlfriend." "I'm not your patient." "I mean... the truth is, I don't really know who we are to each other." "Let's decide... once and for all." "I know what I want." "Is this a test, Paul?" "Like the last one?" "I don't think I can survive two of those in one lifetime." "I love you, Laura." "You were right about wanting to talk in person." "(Exhales)" "It's not something you leave on an answering machine." "Of course, I've done that." "I actually broke into a guy's apartment" " and tried to erase it..." " I'm not going to take it back." "Well, you can't really know that, can you?" "You don't believe me." "I'm sorry." "Is it because I haven't left home?" "Home." "Well..." "That's, uh, not really something you should do on my account." "Look, I..." "I understand that you would be viewing this with..." " with caution." " Don't explain to me what I'm doing." "OK." "OK." "So what changed?" "I guess I just realised what... what I was gonna lose." "Mm." "I haven't seen you for two weeks." "I haven't spoken to you or seen you," " heard from you." " That'll pass." " No, it won't." " With time, it will." "You'll get over me, Paul." "Trust me." "You don't understand, Laura." "I don't want to get over you." "I know that you..." "I know that you took my indecision..." "I'm..." "I'm done with therapy." "I'm done." "You don't get to tell me where my head is at, or claim that everything you're saying to me is for my protection." "What happened about that anyway?" "You were so worried that I was repeating old patterns with you, that I was..." "I was..." "using sex to bail out of my relationships." " You're not worried about that any more?" " No." "(Sighs)" "You haven't been calling me back." "You're setting limits for the first time." "You're taking a stand." "You're thinking things through." "This is all... new." "So by walking away from you is proof that I'm ready to be with you?" "How should I prove that I'm over you, give you the key to my house?" "(Sighs)" "Are you?" "Are you over me?" "No, I'm not." "But I don't wanna be happy in the moment any more, Paul." "I want it to last." "I don't wanna be the fantasy that..." "The cure to a marriage that ran out of steam, or a job that became routine, it's..." "it's just too much pressure." "Maybe you're afraid that..." "Look, Paul," "I know this is what you thrive on, all this back-and-forth stuff, but..." "Let's not talk." "Mm?" "What happens if we just don't talk?" "OK." "OK." "You don't really want this, Paul." "Do you?" "I do." "(Knocking)" "Paul." " Hi, Gina." " What's the matter?" "Sorry for..." "Look, I'm sorry for barging in like this." "No, no." "Come in." " Are you sure?" " Oh, sure." "Come in." "What happened?" "Oh, uh... (Laughs)" "It's, um... (Sighs)" "Saw Laura today." "I've been trying to reach her since Alex's funeral." "She hasn't been returning my calls." " Do you... do you mind if I sit down?" " No." "Please." " (Paul sighs)" " You saw each other at Alex's funeral?" "Yeah." "And so I've been calling her and, uh, finally she, uh..." "she picked up and she said, uh..." ""Why don't you, uh..." "Why don't you come over?"" "So I went over there to tell her that..." "I was through with driving us both crazy, and that..." "And that I loved her and that, um..." "I was ready to be... to be with her." "Hm." "Your worst fear realised, Gina." "This isn't about me, Paul." " (Sighs)" " What happened?" "She didn't believe me." "Anyway, we, uh... we ended up... uh... in the bedroom." "She said she didn't believe you and you ended up in the bedroom?" "(Laughs) Yeah." "Anyway, uh, I..." "I didn't do anything." "I, um..." "I couldn't." "You couldn't?" "You mean, you couldn't respond?" "I had a fucking anxiety attack. (Laughs)" "Like a teenage kid." "A fucking anxiety attack." "Unbelievable." "What was that like?" "Oh, like I was suffocating, heart pounding, drenched in sweat, it was a classic textbook panic attack." "Did you talk to her about it?" "Did you tell her what was happening to you?" "It was sex, Gina." "It... it wasn't..." "like it was a session or anything." "I got out of there as fast as I could." "But it was too late." "By the time it took... for me to make up my mind about both of us, she'd changed hers." "She changed her mind but you're the one that ran out." "No, she said she didn't want it any more." "I..." "I'm confused about..." "Just... just take a breath and start at the beginning." "Yeah." "You know what?" "It doesn't matter anyway." "It's not like we're gonna be together." "I couldn't..." "I..." "I couldn't even bring myself to..." "(Sighs) ...to touch her." "She was this close to me." "I could feel the heat from her body." "Do you know how many times I've thought about that?" "How many times I've imagined that?" "Next thing I know I'm doubled over the hood of my car, gasping for air." "I mean, what the fuck is wrong with me, Gina?" "Nothing's wrong with you." "You see this as a betrayal, as though you sabotaged yourself, I don't see it that way." "Well, of course not." "For you, it's good news." "You've been telling me for the two months what a... horrible mistake I'm making, how I'm ruining my life." "You should be ready to open a bottle of champagne." "Paul, the last time we met I said this had to be your decision." "You know, when it came down to it in the end, Gina, it didn't have anything to do with moral questions or... integrity, or my marriage, or you." " What was it then?" " I had this feeling that..." "I was going to be swallowed." "Swallowed up by all of it." "And that I was gonna lose... control." "(Laughs) Anyways, I ran out the door." "I thought of you, all the times I'd..." "said that you were a coward." "Well, who's the coward now?" "Hm." "You know, Paul, that anxiety attack was yours." "It wasn't external." "It was you." "What restrained you was the..." "was the very best of you." "Your deepest standards, personal and professional and moral." "No, Gina." "Moral decisions don't come from the unconscious." "I'm not gonna let myself off the hook that easily." "Paul, you steered yourself away from doing something that you knew you would regret." "You saved yourself from being hurt and from hurting a woman that you cared about." "Mm." "What, do you think that... that moral decisions are... are always made in the absence of temptation, that they're made easily, that they're made gracefully?" "Give yourself some credit." "If you were able to make this decision easily, it would have been a sign that you didn't want her that badly." "But you did." "You wanted her so very badly." "So badly that you had an anxiety attack in order to stop yourself." "So in the end you won." "You prevailed." "Well, thank you for trying to console me, Gina." "I'm not consoling you." "I just want you to take the credit and the responsibility for what you did." "You know what she said?" "She said that she's come to understand that what she's been doing, you know, using sexual relationships to free herself from emotional... entanglements, that she doesn't want to do that any more." " (Laughs)" " Hm." "It's ironic." "Her therapy with you has been a success." "Mm." "She said, uh, that what I was doing was that I was using her to bail myself out of my own life." "That actually I was having a midlife crisis." "(Laughs)" "Hilarious description." "That's your theory, isn't it?" "No, but that doesn't matter now." "Doesn't matter." "You know, what matters, Paul, is that you did the right thing for you and for your patient." "She could be the last..." "Iove of my life." "And I let her go." "What's left for me now, Gina, hm?" "We'll have to talk about that." "English SDH"