"Ben, your page is set?" "Yep, almost." "Jesus, Alex." "Hello?" "Yes, this is him, but I'm at work, so..." "I used to have a freshman roommate named Ben, but that asswad hasn't called me in ages." "What?" "And no one was there?" "He was alone?" "Yeah, of course, he was alone." "That was stupid." "Yeah." "I can probably get up in a couple of hours." "I just need a little bit of time to get out of here." "So, he's going to be okay." "That's the most important thing." "Okay." "I gotta take this." "Hang on a sec." "Babe?" "Yeah, I'm fine, just got to the office." "I'm going to leave from here." "Did the hospital say when they'd be able to release him?" "They said it might be tonight, might be in the morning." " Do we call them?" "'Cause I feel..." " No, I called them already." "There's nothing else we can do, babe." "Just keep straight." " Babe?" " Yeah?" "I got the fellowship." "Wow." " Wow." " Yeah, I know." " When were you going to tell me?" " What do you mean?" "I'm telling you now." "Yeah, but how long have you known?" "I found out yesterday." "Yeah, I mean, that's great for you, right?" "It's a great opportunity." " Yeah." " Yeah." "It is, but I meant about us moving out there." "I think we've had this conversation, like, 50 times." "I can't just quit my job and move to LA." "Sarah's train should be getting in." "Okay, I'm gonna stay here." "Josh, hey." "Hey, Sarah." "Hi." "Hi." " It's good to see you." " Yeah, it's good to see you, too." "Have you talked to Alex?" "No, but I can't wait to ask that fucker what the hell he was thinking." " You're not actually going to say that..." " Why not?" " ...to him, are you?" " Why?" "Because he's fragile and that's not appropriate." "How do you know?" "When was the last time you talked to him?" "That's what I thought." "What do you want to do, Sarah?" "You want to just tiptoe around the whole thing?" "Pretend like nothing happened." "No, no, I think we should..." "I think we should make him feel safe..." " Okay." " ...and loved." "Yeah, and I think he's going to think that that's bullshit." "And I think he's going to see right through it." " Sarah!" " What?" " Josh!" " Hey!" "Hi!" " And you." " Hi." "We didn't even know whether to expect you or not." "No." "Where's Isaac?" "Is he up here yet with the new lady friend?" " Is that happening?" " With the who?" " Isaac's bringing someone?" " Yeah." " His girlfriend." " I didn't know" " he was seeing anyone." " It's recent." " It's recent." "She's 22." " No, she's not." "Is she?" "What's wrong?" "It's not like she's 11, calm down." "Okay, first of all, you're disgusting." "And, second of all, why does Isaac think it's appropriate to bring" " a date to..." " How is it inappropriate?" "I was this close to bringing a date." "And she cancelled at the last minute." "She had a thing." "It's okay that I'm coming, right?" "Yeah, of course, it's okay." "You wanted to come." " This is fine." "Of course, it's fine." " Wait, what?" "No, I didn't say I wanted to come." "I said that I wanted to be there for you if you wanted me to be there." "Why would I tell you to come if I didn't want you to come." "I am so sorry, but we're all out of premium class vehicles." "Could we interest you in one of our more affordable models?" "Yeah, yeah, it's fine." "Anything with wheels is fine." "Thanks." "I shouldn't be here." "Babe?" "I wouldn't have said you should come if..." "I'm just saying..." "Japanese are the most wacked-out people on Earth." "My God, you're like an 8-year-old racist." "I'm not an 8-year-old racist." "Who can cram that many people on an island?" "It's like a throbbing inbred hothouse of cultural miasma." "Frankly, I'm surprised they don't have more fetishes." "Shit, Ben-Ben." "You came." "Against my better fucking judgement, I came." "Get the fuck over here." "How are you doing?" "Ben, get my back here, please?" "We're not just going to pretend with Alex, like, nothing happened here, right?" "What are you going to say?" ""Hey, Alex, interesting choice to commit suicide."" " Thank you, Ben." "Excuse me." " My God." "Hi." "I can't believe that you have her side on this." "Hey, hey, hey, there are no sides." "Let's just let this be about Alex, right?" "Speaking of which, I think we should watch him." "What?" "What, do you want to set up, like, a monitoring system?" "Yeah, kind of, but it would be casual." "You know, tag in, tag out." "Have somebody with him at all times." "How about you go first?" "You want to start?" "This is ridiculous." "No, it's not, Josh." " This is ridiculous..." " I googled it." " You what?" " I googled it." " Case in point." " I'm going to get some air." "Is there not air in here?" "I researched it, okay?" "There's a set protocol that you're supposed to follow." "You're..." "You came!" "Of course, I came." "How you feeling?" "I'm good." " Yeah?" " Yeah." "I mean, you know, considering." " Alex, look, about the calls..." " Don't, no, no." "Don't tell me that we're having a party in honour of my suicide?" "Attempted suicide." "Geez, if it was suicide, we'd both be wearing suits." " You can't treat it lightly..." " Maybe, we should get him a muffin basket." " I'm serious, the first 48 hours..." " We can tie a bow on it..." " Alex." " Hi." " Hey." " Hey." "Jesus, Alex." "If you wanted to see all of us, you could have just shot us an email." "We were gonna pick you up." "No, don't worry about it." "This was easy." "Do you need anything?" "You want to sit down?" " Are you hungry?" " No." "Want me to make you a sandwich?" "No." "Actually, I think I'm gonna go get changed." "I feel a little gross, if you know what I mean." "I'll keep you company." "Excuse me." " Way to act normal, by the way." " Way to be an asshole!" "It was real nice, just "sandwich." You want to offer him anything else?" "So, why did you leave LA?" "I don't know, I..." "Just the acting thing was only going okay, and that city is a fucking soul killer." "Yeah, I was running out of cash, my mom was in fucking Bali, my dad left me this, and you were..." "We kind of lost touch." "What I was going to say outside, when you first came..." "Hey, the world's got enough people you have to explain yourself to." "Josh is still an asshole." "If he's gonna be like this all weekend, I swear to God..." "He's just dealing with it, you know, in his own way." "And shouldn't Isaac know there's no such thing as a plus one to a friend's attempted suicide weekend thing?" "It's not a fucking Bar Mitzvah." "You don't..." " Now, you sound like Josh." " My God, you're right." "How are you?" "How are you and Ben?" "We're fine." "Okay, so not so good fine." "What's going on?" "Hey." "I'm late." "How late?" "Late, late." "Does Ben know?" "Nope." " Hey." " Hey." " How are you doing?" " Good." " You need anything?" " No, I'm still fine." "Water?" "Here." "Where's the bathroom here?" "Use the one upstairs." "Trust me." "Isaac is calling." "Hey, what's up?" "Yeah, yeah..." "Really, can your plus one not use a GPS?" "I thought young people were good at those things." "Be nice, Sarah." "Isaac is close, but lost." "You know what?" "I'll just drive out and meet him." "I'm going to go get some firewood." " I'm going to go pee in nature." " I'll stay and watch Alex." "I mean, I'll put on some pasta for dinner." " Does that sound good?" " That sounds great." " You want to come with me?" " Yeah, I'll come with you." "Great." "You clearly have no idea what you're doing, do you?" "Fuck you." "Here, give me it, enough." "Let me try again." "No." " No?" " No." "I taught you all of Calc 21, and then you went off, and you did better than me on the exam." "I'm not teaching you how to chop wood." "It's not my fault you have performance anxiety." "I perform just fine." "You don't have to cook, you know." "It's okay." "It's the only thing that relaxes me." "Really?" "It's just been awhile since I've seen everyone." "If you need to get something off your chest, you should..." "I don't need you of all people to give me advice." "I'm sorry." "No, it's..." " I didn't mean that." " It's a fair point." "What?" "They are here." "She's hot." " Your boobs are bigger." " That's not true." "That's not true." "No, they're not." " Hey, look who I found." " Hey, handsome." "You didn't have to fly all the way across the country." "Are you kidding me?" "I wanted to." "Alex, Kate." "Kate, Alex." " Hey, I've heard a lot about you." " I've heard a lot about you." " What the fuck are those?" " That's how you say hi now?" "They're shiny and pointy." "They're Italian, mother fucker." "You look like a lumberjack." "Easy." "God forbid I get dirt on that suit of yours." "Dude, if you told us you were coming out of the closet, we could have thrown you a party." "I told you my friends were awesome." "Is there a bathroom I can use?" " Upstairs!" " Upstairs!" "Dinner is almost ready." "Hey." "Sarah, this pasta is delicious." "It is pasta and sauce from a can." "Tomorrow, I'll make something real." "Instagram tells me you're still cooking a lot." "Instagram lies." "Unless ramen counts." "So, being a lawyer is, like, fulfilling all your hopes and dreams?" "Not all of us can stand to stride the planet on the backs of hedge funds." "It's not what I meant." "I'm just saying, look we graduated, aside from you, at the onset of the worst recession in 80 years." "History says that most of us will never regain the income levels that we might have otherwise enjoyed." "Isaac here is a beautiful anomaly, and for that, we salute him." "Thanks, pal, appreciate it." "How's the PhD going?" "What's that supposed to mean?" " It's a simple question." " Nah, it had subtext." " Yeah, you want the subtext?" " Of course, I want the subtext." "Don't you know who you're talking to?" "Did you forget who I am?" "Okay, how's life on your academic high horse?" "Looking down on the rest of us and despairing about the decline of our culture." "It's comments like those, Isaac, that make me despair." "Actually, Josh, sorry, but I'd like to know what the hell you are doing here, too." "Yeah, all joking aside, what are you writing about?" "I'm writing about the future of biography." "How our ever expanding digital footprint, emails, texts, tweets will inform our understanding of history and ourselves." " Which is ironic." " Why?" "'Cause I hate the modern world." " Which era would you have rather lived in?" " I'm sorry, what was your name again?" " It was Kate?" " Josh." " Okay, I'm just saying." "I'm sorry." "It's Kate?" " Yeah." "Kate, the only thing that I hate more than the present is nostalgia for the past." "Hey, you don't have to do..." "Let me..." "Let me do some." " Nope." " You want to take shifts?" "He's compensating for the fact that he can't chop wood." "My God, when did you get so mean, Josh?" "You're so mean." "Right around the same time you traded in for those shoes." "This whole footwear smear campaign is really cutting me deep." "It's a real shame." "Maybe you should commit suicide." "What?" "Is that too soon?" "Alex is laughing, look at that." "It's a good joke." "So, how did you and Isaac meet?" " It's embarrassing." " Why?" "Well, I was an intern at his office, but we didn't start dating until after I left, of course." "Of course." "I think it's sweet." " Hey, I found two." " Great." "Thanks." "Are we gonna go with that?" "There's a whole chapter devoted to hair implants." " You have to do it in this order." " No, exhibit B." ""The Mature Man's Guide to Style..."" "My God, do not move." "Hold that up right now." ""...for a man's best years."" "Just pose with the cover, please?" "Yeah." "Would you like to hear the section on hairclips?" "How's your book, Ben?" "It's good, it'll be done soon." "Is it better, or worse than your New Yorker story?" "It is without a doubt longer." "God, I love that story." "It was so good." "It's the only reason Siri went out with me." " It's not true." " It's true." " It's not true." " You know it's true." "Maybe a little bit." "I think I still have a copy here." "You know what we should do?" "We should stage a dramatic reading." "That is not going to happen." "Can you imagine?" "Everybody would participate." "I'll be the roommate, and you..." " Josh, really, it's fine." " ...you could play the protagonist." " Sarah." " What?" "Enough with the fucking pictures." "I'm sorry, I'm recording this for posterity." "Is that okay?" " By what?" "By ruining it in the present?" " No, that's your job." " Okay, come on." "Come on, you two." "Really." " Hold on." "That's okay." "Sarah, let me ask you something." "What?" "What are you going to do with these pictures, huh?" "Are you gonna post them on Facebook?" "I don't know, maybe." "Would that make you mad?" "You're clinically obsessed." "I like to see what my friends are up to." "Big deal." "So, wait, your news feed tells you that Isaac got a new pair of Italian loafers, or Ben, Ben wrote a funny headline for the Post, and that makes you feel like you still know somebody?" "Yeah, kind of, because that's what people do now, Josh." "People who care at least." "Well, you know what?" "I'm sorry." "But maybe I'd rather be in the fucking dark as to what people are up to, than mistake some false level of intimacy for friendship." "That is such bullshit." "We're still friends." "Isaac is on his BlackBerry sending emails to San Francisco right now." "Enough." "Isaac?" "Yeah?" "Remember when I got stoned for the first time and we went to the Natural History museum?" " I remember you freaking out." " Yeah." "And you had to make me dance to make me feel better." "And you did the devil dance." " My God." " Devil dance." " I totally forgot about the devil dance." " It's my favourite thing." " I thought you hated dancing." " Isaac doesn't dance?" "Isaac dances." "Okay, so what was Isaac like in college?" " Dorky." " Uncultured." " Pretty much exactly what he is right now." " I was pretty dorky." " Okay, so you were really adorable." " Babe, thanks." "So, what do you do, Kate?" "I work at a suicide and crisis hotline for teens in the Bay Area." "That sounded strange." "Sorry." "I didn't realise until it came out of my mouth." "It's a shame I didn't have your number." "You could have solved all my problems." "Why did you lie?" "When?" "Alex." "About the book." "I didn't lie." "I said the book would be done soon and it will." "Why not just say it's still in research?" "Because maybe this weekend isn't about my problems." "If you want to schedule some time to do that, we can find it." "She seems really sweet." "Stop it." "Tell us all about your illicit office romance." "You're being so annoying." " Did you play naughty intern?" " That's not what happened." " What?" "I think it's hot." " Go to sleep." "Go to sleep." "All of you, go to sleep." "Get out of here." " I'm ready to go to sleep." " I'm over it." "I'll go with you." " Good night." " Good night." " Night, guys." " Good night." "You just gonna hang out?" "How many times does she wake up during the middle of the night?" "Do you have to feed her, every, I don't know, hour-and-a-half?" "You're such an asshole." "'Cause I have some friends and they have kids and they say it's like Vietnam." "Go fuck yourself." "He'd been calling me a lot." "Alex." "Not too much to talk about, just checking in." "Always asking about the book." ""How's the book?" "How's the book going?" "How you doing on the book?" Fucking..." "Got to the point where I was screening his calls." "Excuse me." "Excuse me." "It takes me a minute to spit." "Isn't it so funny how we're all breathing under the same roof again?" "Do you ever wish we could just go back?" "Sometimes." " Actually, no, I don't." "I really don't." " Why?" "Not at all." "Because..." "I don't know." "I guess I was mainly just scared." "Of what?" "Of you all, of the possibility that you didn't like me." "That's ridiculous." "It's the truth." "I remember, that feeling did not go away until junior year when Ben had me at his parents place for Easter." "We took the train there and back, barely talked, but you know, it was better than talking, it was just..." "Just nice." "I don't know how to say this, but have you ever thought about going to therapy?" "Because I've done it a lot and..." " You have?" " Yeah." "Why?" " Seriously?" " Yeah, you're fine." "Let me think." "How I'm constantly anxious and I can never pinpoint why." "How ever since college I can only be with guys who are assholes or married." "Or both." "Has the therapy helped?" "I mean, I take Xanax now." "That helps." "And also, you know, the other stuff is helpful." "It's complicated, though." "My therapist thinks that it's very deep-rooted in my childhood and..." "I'm sorry, I'm talking about myself." "I'm so self-absorbed." "This is why I'm in therapy." "No, it isn't." "No, it isn't." "You just need to sleep." "I know, but are you okay?" "Do you need something right now before we go to sleep?" "Sarah, you're going to have to stop asking me that." "Okay?" "You're very nice." "Well, I think you're doing a really good job, and I'm just gonna wait here until you fall asleep." "All right, forget it." " Good night, thank you." " Good night." "I'm glad you're here." "Isaac?" "Isaac?" "Isaac?" "You're awake?" " What do you like about me?" " What?" "You waited too long." "Babe, it's the middle of the night." "Now, I can't trust what you say because it didn't just come to you." "Wait, can we just talk about this in the morning?" "No, we can't talk about it in the morning." "I think your friends think I'm stupid and young." "They don't think you're stupid and young." "Neither." "Go back to sleep." "Let's talk about this tomorrow." "But..." " Hey." " Hey." "You know what I wanted to tell you?" "What's that show that you like?" "The one with all the ladies and they're in a city?" " What is it?" " The Real Housewives?" " The Real Housewives." " Yeah, I don't love that show." " No, no, no, but I was watching that show." " No, you weren't." "No, it was on, and I was there, and I couldn't look away." " Josh, shut up." " Sarah, do you wanna know why?" "Because I realised why you love that show so much, because at its core, it's about the human condition." " No." " What?" "I thought they hated each other." "They do and they don't." "It's like a weird game they play." "Your friends are fucked up." "They prefer "complicated."" " Sarah and Josh." " Just like old times." "I don't know why I let this keep happening." "I don't know, Sarah." "Maybe because you want it to." "No, it's just something I think I want, and then later I feel awful about." " You all right?" " Yes." "Are Ben and Siri acting weird, or is it just me?" "It's just you." " You think they heard us?" " How would I know?" "Well, I don't know, she's a light sleeper that Siri." "And you're very loud, you've gotten louder." "What is that supposed to mean, "She's a light sleeper"?" "I thought you were talking about the fact that you've gotten louder." "I don't know." "Remember in college she used to wear those dorky little orange ear buds." "And then she would still complain about being woken up by the church bells." " You're still in love with her." " I'm not still in love with her." " Yes, you are." " I'm not still in love with her, Sarah." "I just find if fascinating that Ben seems to get everything that he wants in life." "Can I ask you a question?" "Where do you get off thinking the whole world is conspiring against you?" " You want to go again?" " No, you're a dick." "All men are dicks, Sarah." "We're hardwired that way." "Yeah, but you're a dick who thinks he's better than a dick because you can back up your dickish behaviour with psychobabble and pseudo-science." " Yeah, blah, blah, blah." "Let's go again." " I don't want to." "I think it'd be a good idea to go again." " You can't go again." " I can go again." "There are three stages of finding friends in college." "The first is desperation." "The second is panic." "The third is fate." "You wind up at the same table together somehow, and your real life begins." "Busted." "Does everyone else know?" "Paper thin walls." "Perfect." "No one is judging." "Besides me." "It's like I'm this mature, successful adult woman, except when I'm with Josh." "It's like I'm back in sophomore year, and I'm totally insecure and..." "It's complicated." "He was your first." "It's not complicated, he's using me." "Who's to say you weren't using him?" "My therapist, actually." "Josh is a man child who uses sex, I'm serious, as a means of processing deep-seated emotional issues." "You are an overworked tax attorney who can stand to get laid." "I'm a mergers and acquisitions attorney who can stand to get laid." "Thank you." "Whatever." "Are you still... with..." "I think I might be a little pregnant." " What?" " You don't run." "Well, I'm thinking of picking it up." "Alex, you're still recovering." "Why don't you take it easy?" "I can always stop." "I have been trying to get motivated all morning." "Come with me." " Yeah?" " Yeah." " How'd you sleep?" " Fine." "Why?" "Good." "Just wanted to make sure you weren't being attacked." " There is a lot of wildlife around." " My God." " So, how's Brooklyn?" " It's fine." "Come visit." "I will." "Sorry, sorry, sorry." " You okay?" " Yeah." " You better be fine." " I am." " I saw the pictures you posted the other day." " Yeah?" "Where you and Ben went to all the thrift shops, and made your place look so homelike." "Yeah, I did." "Now, all you need is a Golden Retriever." "What?" "What's going on?" " I got a job offer in LA." " All right!" "It's a dream kind of offer." "That's great." "So, then, what's the bad news?" "Ben's been resisting at every turn." "We've been fighting a lot about going and fighting about staying." "We haven't even made love in weeks and..." " Didn't need to know that part." " I'm sorry." "No, no." "I just think some space would be good for us both." "Wait, wait, no, no." "You and Ben are going to be fine." "Okay?" "Ben's probably just stressed out right now." "He'll figure it out, he'll finish his book, and then..." " What?" " Ben is..." "Well, for starters, he's blocked." "Blocked?" "Please, don't say anything, obviously." "He hasn't written anything in almost a year." "Look who it is." " It's about time, you lazy bum." " Lazy?" "It's not like you let me sleep." "You and Sarah." "How's Siri?" "Siri is on a run." "Okay." "And she's back." "Ben, can I ask you something?" "Was it difficult as a couple when the iPhone 4s came out?" "'Cause I can imagine, here you are, minding your own business, and then everybody's asking her a question." "You're a fucking idiot." "Just a second." " It's all yours." " Thank you." "Hey." "I'm sorry about what I said last night." "I'm..." "It's okay." "Don't worry." "You're not even 48 hours removed from a traumatic event." "You're suddenly the centre of love and attention." "You're feeling mildly manic and also oddly angry." "I imagine you're also experiencing mood cycling, and you're scared as hell of the next time you'll crash." "So, no, I'm not taking it personally." " Good." " Don't worry, though." "You'll level off." "What..." "What style of yoga is that?" "What form is that?" "I took a yoga class once." "Maybe it wasn't for me." "No, yeah..." "I'm gonna give you some space." "You know what I miss?" "I miss living down the hall from you." "I could always pop over whenever I wanted to talk." "You just hated sleeping alone, and you needed someone to talk to about Josh." " Don't be naive." " Don't be naive, about what?" "Isaac!" "Sarah?" "I always wanted you to make a move." "That's funny." "I'm serious." "But you always said that we shouldn't because we're such good friends." "Yes, that is what I said, but that is not what I wanted." "You're impossible, you know that?" " I'm impossible?" " Yeah, you're totally impossible." "You're impossible." "So sorry." "Is that butter?" "No, no, don't wipe it." "I got it." "Right there." "It's cream cheese, perfect." "I'm gonna go wash up, babe." " Morning." " Morning." "We've got great southern exposure, so I was thinking of installing a solar array, and maybe a few rain water basins, too." "That sounds great, Alex." "Then you'd have everything you need to start a cult." "I'm in." "Hey, what do you think the girls are doing right now?" "I don't know, their hair?" "What if we propose an elaborate swap?" " Yeah, they would be thrilled." " Numbers aren't even." "The numbers are plenty even." "I've done..." "Look, Alex, you get sweet, nubile Kate." "Great, great." "Isaac, you get Sarah." "I get Siri 'cause, well, that's all that's left." "And, Ben, you get to get published in The New Yorker." "That's hilarious." " What the fuck was that?" " I don't know, a dog?" "Well, the boys better be close or they are going to get drenched." "Do you want to go on a food run?" " Actually, I'm feeling a little sick." " I'll go." " Would you?" " Yeah." "Great." " Would you pick something up for me?" " Yes." "Thanks." " Now?" " Yeah, let's go." " Cool." " Have fun." "Boy, where did you come from?" "There aren't that many houses out here." "Hello?" "Anyone lose a dog?" "She looks hungry." "What are you doing, man?" "You don't feed a strange dog." "Why not?" "Because you will just confuse it and make everything worse." "That's bullshit." "Hey, look, as much as I want to hang out with this dog all day long, has anyone else noticed that it's pouring?" "We can't just leave it here." " Owner should have put some tags on him." " Owner should've what?" "Owner should have put some tags on him." "Okay, so the dog should be punished for its owner's sins." "Are you a Republican now?" "So what if I am?" "So what if..." "What?" "Ben, did he tell you about this?" "Yum, grapes." " Hey, will this work?" " God, no." "That's not good." "So, when did you and Isaac meet?" "Freshman year, he lived down the hall from me." "I was so nervous to come on this trip." "Really?" "Isaac looks up to you guys so much." "It's like meeting his parents, but worse 'cause there's five of you." "Well, be thankful you're not meeting his parents, his mom is crazy." "I'm so jealous of you." " Why?" " Because..." "You guys just have all these shared experiences that I'll never have." "Well, you know Isaac, he was shy and sweet." "Really sweet." "He's the only one of us from the Midwest, so he's the least neurotic of the bunch by far." " I can see that." " Yeah." "He takes me out to fancy dinners all the time, and it's nice, but it's not why I like him." " Why do you like him?" " Because he's grounded." "And he's so kind." "And the other day, we celebrated our quarter-year anniversary, which is ridiculous." "It's so ridiculous, but it made me really happy." "And I think he's got the right priorities, which is rare." " Everything okay?" " Yeah." "So many mushrooms." "Watermelon." "There you are." "Hey, big news." " What?" " Isaac voted for Bush." " That's not the news." " We found a dog." "My God." " Where did you guys find it?" " The river, in the woods." "I'm gonna go take a shower." "Alex, hold on." "Give me a second..." "What?" "What?" "What?" "What?" "You gonna come with me and bathe me?" " That's not what I was gonna say." " Okay." "I'm fucking fine, okay?" "Okay?" "Everybody, I thank you for your concern, but I am fucking fine and just, please, stop following me around, okay?" "What do we do?" "He said he's fucking fine." " I'm gonna check on him in a minute." " I think he is okay." "How do you know?" "Just know." "Hey." "Sweet nectar and ambrosia." " There's more in the car." " My gosh." "Who is this?" "You know Josh." "He makes friends everywhere he goes." "I missed you." "I missed you, too." "Jeff Goldblum." "Done." " Jeff Goldblum?" " Yeah." "The dog was in The Fly?" " I think it's good." " You don't name a dog Jeff." "Why would it be named Jeff Goldblum?" "How do you know that the dog is Jewish, first of all?" "How did you just assume?" "How did you make that call?" "That's the dog's name." "You're welcome." " Jeff Goldblum." "Ben, name the dog, please." " And we'll be here all night." "I think he likes the name Timmy." " Come here." "Good." " Timmy's a good name." "Come here, come here, come here." "Wait, hold on, guys." "Seriously, wait." "I think I can hear Timmy's thoughts." ""Gee, I sure am glad I'm inside right now," ""instead of being out there in the cold and rain."" ""The mean one with the effeminate shoes didn't want me to come."" "Hey, Timmy would kill for these shoes." ""But I'll bite his ass later."" "Why do we just assume that dogs talk like that?" "It's not like a dog just opened its mouth one day and that's what it sounded like and we assigned that voice to it." "Ignore them, Timmy." " Timmy?" " That's his name." " Hey, I just thought of something." " What?" "I told Siri earlier how much I loved your place, and that all you guys were missing was a dog, and now, one appears." "You have your chance." "We're not getting a dog." " Siri, it's not a dog." "It's Timmy." " Yeah." ""I'm not just a dog." "I need a house." "And I like you guys the best."" "You guys have that little backyard." "It could run back and forth." "Yeah." "Timmy, where do you want to go?" "He says he wants it, too." "Doesn't matter." "So, what are we making, Sarah?" "We are making chilled watermelon soup and sea scallop risotto." " What?" "What are we making again?" " I'm sorry." "Can you do something helpful?" " Did you say "risotto"?" " Can you please do something helpful?" "The joint's not going to roll itself, Sarah." "And I'm making a magical appetizer dish that's going to make your risotto taste so much better." " Please." " Please, what?" "What?" "Give me a break." "I'm not listening to that." "Why?" "It's like we're gripped by this never-ending nostalgia for our parents' music." "It's oppressive." "What about Bruce Springsteen is oppressive?" "Let me tell you something about Bruce Springsteen, okay?" "Never trust anyone who is that passionate about the state of New Jersey." "You are so full of shit." "Okay." "What is he gonna do now?" "What have we got?" " Arcade Fire?" " Yes, Arcade fucking Fire!" "What, what's wrong with this?" " Too Canadian." " What does that mean?" "Too Canadian, really?" "Does this look too Canadian?" "Really?" "But who knows?" "I don't know, maybe it fits our-postmodern profile for a Canadian band to best express American anxiety during this gradual post-empire period of decline." "Blah, blah, blah, bullshit blah." "Miss Kate?" "I don't normally smoke." "It's not gonna bite." "Okay, fine." "I like Kate." "There you go." "All right." "Alex, where did you get these records?" "I feel like I'm at a garage sale." "I bought them at a garage sale." " Babe?" " I'm good." "What's going on?" "Come on!" "Look, if now is not the time to get fucked up, I really..." "I don't know when is." "Fuck it, I'm dancing." "I'm gonna dance, too." "Here we go." "You should prepare yourself for this." "This is what you call a home run." "Turn it on." "That's right." "See that?" "Isaac, who's the dancer now?" "That's right, Kate." "Isaac will not do this." "He won't show you these moves." "Hello, what is up?" "This looks terrible." "Thanks." "How serious were you this morning?" "About what?" "You know what." "I just thought..." "No." "You know what?" "I'm sorry I said anything." "I shouldn't have said anything." "I'm not sorry." "I'm not sorry." "Okay." " Then..." " Isaac!" "Yeah?" "Get your anti-government ass in here." "Come on." "I gotta go show those fools how to dance." "What?" "What's up?" "Nothing." "Nothing?" "Since when do you turn down a joint?" "I'm just not in the mood." "Then tell me something." "I'm dying over here." "I didn't want to influence you." "About what?" "It should be just about us." "Really." "Are you..." "Are you saying..." " I don't know." " Are you sure?" "No, I'm not sure." "Just really late." "I got a test today, but..." "What does that look mean?" "I'm..." "I'm imagining a baby that looks half like you and half like me." " It tends to happen." " No." "What if I moved to LA?" "I mean, sure, when I got there I'd be unemployed and probably have to bus tables or whatever those people in LA do to make a bit of money, but I..." "Ben, please don't say it if you don't..." "Of course, I mean it." "All I'm saying is let's try." "You want to try with me?" "Yeah." "Yeah?" "Yeah." "Food's ready, you guys." "You guys." "This food is so incredible, Sarah." "My God." "Thank you, Sarah." "You guys, you're welcome." "You are incredibly stoned right now." "I'd just like to point that out." "Sarah, we're barely high." "Come on." "Okay, some of us might be a little high." "Sweetie." "Sorry." "I just really like how cold it feels on my tongue." "Okay." "How come you haven't opened your own restaurant yet?" "What's the deal?" "It's called law school loans." "How come we didn't do more drugs in college?" "That is a good question." "I figured that I would be far less curious now if I'd just done a better job of..." "Doing more drugs in college." "What?" "Well, you know we had a good run freshman year." "You remember that time Siri ate that weed brownie and ran through someone's apartment butt naked." "No, don't say that." " It's true you did." " Stop it." "What happened to us?" "We got serious." " We got girlfriends." " Hey." "I'm sorry, you know what this is like?" " This is like one of those '80s movies." " What?" "Like one of those movies where it's a big group of people." "I just don't see why everything in our lives has to be like something else." "That's real deep, Siri." "I'm serious, it's like we can't just experience something and let it be." "'Cause that's the way that people relate today." "They don't talk about anything, they just reference things." "Thank you." ""I had a great weekend." "I went to this wedding." ""You know, actually it was a lot like Wedding Crashers, but meets Memento."" "That sounds like a good weekend." "Yeah, it probably does sound cool." "Who knows?" "Or, "I don't know how I was feeling." ""Probably how Rachel felt when Ross was marrying that British girl."" "Time out." "I'm pretty sure you just admitted to watching Friends." "Yes, you did." "There are Libyan refugees who have seen Friends." "I have never felt this stoned in my whole life." " Okay." " It's hot." " It's hot." "It's hot." "It's hot in here." " It's pot." "It's pot?" "That's a funny joke." "Well, I..." "Okay." "Okay." "That's a fun game we're not gonna play right now." " It was just a joke, Dad." " Put that away." "That's me, sorry." "Are you sure you want to answer that right now?" "Maybe not." "And she answers it." "Tonight?" "Yeah, it's okay." "No, of course I'm okay." "Okay, okay." "Bye." "My God." "No, no, no, no, no, no." "My God, my God, my God, I'm so screwed." "They just asked me to cover the crisis hotline tonight." " Now?" " Yeah." "Can you say no?" "I can't breathe." "No, I think you're gonna to do a great job." "I agree, she is gonna knock 'em dead." " That's not funny." " I can't breathe." "That's a little funny." "It's gonna be okay." "You're gonna be fine." "No, it's not okay." "No, it's not okay." "It's not okay." " It's not funny, it's not funny." " Okay, getting on the floor for a bit." "Isaac, this is a big deal." " People are gonna die." " They're not gonna die." "Hey, hey, Kate, so I have some Xanax in my purse." "I'm gonna go get it, okay?" "I have Klonopin right here." "I've got one in my pocket." " Yeah, but Xanax kicks in faster." " Klonopin lasts longer." " Which one do you prefer, Timmy?" " Timmy likes Klonopin." ""Xanax gives me a headache."" "It's gonna be fine." "You're gonna talk just like you're talking to me." ""But Klonopin has a little more bite."" "Okay, so there you go." "And now you have the best anti-anxiety medicine money can buy." "That's debatable." " You're not helping." "Stop it." " There we go." "Let's get upsies." " All right!" " Hey!" "She's up." "Okay." " Josh." " What?" " Josh." " What?" " When did you start taking meds?" " What?" "Prescription drugs, when did you start taking them?" " The Klonopin thing?" " Yeah." " I don't want to talk about it." " Why?" "'Cause I don't want to talk about it." "I'm just curious." "I'm not judging." "I went to a therapist once, and I don't go any more, and they gave me that." "Just once?" "I started going when I realised I was writing a dissertation that probably no one in their right mind is ever going to read." " Let's play a game!" " Yeah." "Yeah." "All right, I actually have a game ready." "Get out of there." " What are the rules then?" " Okay." "Good question, the rules are that there are no rules until you write them on a card." " Okay, are we in?" " Yeah, let's do it." "I'll go first." "Okay." "Everyone must pat their heads and rub their bellies before playing a card or they have to take a drink." " What are we doing?" " Playing an imbecilic game." "Sounds good, I'm in." "Okay." "Okay, that's great, but you have to rub your belly and pat your head before you..." "Can we stop saying "belly." It's freaking me out." "Belly, rub it." ""Before you speak you must turn to the person on your left," ""introduce yourself, then hug." Are you fucking kidding me?" "Come on, big guy." "Let's do this." "Absolute..." "Get the..." "Get away from me." "You didn't introduce yourself." "You just read the card, you didn't introduce yourself." " You didn't introduce yourself either." " That's fair." "Okay." "Hello, my name is Sarah." "It's really nice to meet you." "Okay, fine." "Hi, I'm Josh." "This game is slowly making me stupider." "Okay, I'll do it." "No, I gotcha, hold on." "First..." " Hi, how are you?" " Hello." "Really?" "Yeah, it's part of the game." "Why don't you read it?" ""Suicide." ""Everyone take a turn and explain what it means to you."" " Good job, man." " Thank you." ""This card makes all of Josh's rules invalid and can be played at any time."" " You can't do that." " Just did." "Sorry the card says you can play the card anytime." "It goes against the underlying architecture of the game of laying cards and taking turns." "If we're being all strict about it, you didn't introduce yourself." "Neither, the fuck, did you!" "Okay, Josh, let's do that." "But you start." " Let's not." " No, no, let's do it." "Okay." "Yeah, I get sadness." "Okay, I certainly get anxiety." "I get depression." "I'm pretty sure that I'm experiencing at least one of those things at all times." "But what I don't understand is, Alex, is suicide." "Because never once have I not been absolutely terrified of my own death and what that might do to everyone around me." "I'm done." "I don't want to play this game any more." "No, I think this is a really good game." "We've been dancing around the main point of this trip all weekend." "I mean, Jesus Christ." "Nobody will even talk about the downstairs bathroom." "Let alone walk in there, Alex." "I've been in there." "It's a fucking mess." "So let's open that door." " Literally, metaphorically, pardon the pun." " Josh, stop!" "Sarah, please, shut up." "I think Alex should give it to us straight here." "You know, tell us all what a good job we all did of bucking him up when he was down." "How we all noticed his increasingly erratic tweets and status updates." "And how we all thought enough to do something about it." " Sorry." " Sarah." "Let her go." "She'll be fine." "You're a piece of shit." "You know that?" "I'm a truth teller." "Alex has been saying some..." "No offence, you've been saying some weird stuff for a while and you can't blame us for not being able to see that there was a bigger problem." "Some weird stuff?" "I'm sorry." "What was it exactly, Alex?" "Does anybody remember?" ""Ask for me tomorrow, and you shall find me a grave man."" "A lot of ambiguity in that one." "Where the fuck were you?" "That's my point." "Where the fuck were any of us?" "Okay, okay." "Alex called me a lot that day." "I mean, he called me a lot that week, and I didn't answer." "I didn't answer even though I knew he wasn't doing well." "The truth is, none of this would have happened if I would have been a better friend to my friend." " No." " So, this one's on me." " No, it's not, Ben." "It's not." "It's not." " It is." "I mean, I..." "Yeah, I was upset that you were not answering my calls, but I..." "I didn't want to die." "What?" "Well, I mean, I..." "I thought I did." "I did." "I..." "If you didn't want to die then..." "I did, but then I changed my mind and I called the hospital myself and, you know, I think..." "I really think that I just wanted to, you know, see you." "You wanted to see me?" "Well, yeah." "I mean, no." "You and everyone." "Right, right, everyone, right." "You wanted to see everyone so you slit your wrists, but not enough so you would die." "I'm not saying that it makes sense." "I'm just..." "You're right, it makes absolutely no sense, Alex." "It makes no fucking sense." "You have any idea what I've been going through, what I've been thinking and feeling?" " Yes, I do." " You do?" "You do?" "Please, tell me." "Tell me you're sorry." "I was trying to get in touch with you." "I have a job, man." "I have fucking duties." "I have a fucking deadline." " I have a fucking job." " Yeah, you were so busy?" "Yes, I was fucking busy." "So busy writing your book that you haven't been writing for a year?" "Is that what you were doing, that you couldn't answer the phone one time?" "Ben." "Hey." " Hey, Sarah, come here." " What?" "Look at me, look at me." "Sarah, I'm sorry." "Okay?" "Sometimes things, they need to be said and in those instances being an asshole comes in handy." " You okay?" " No." " Stop." " What?" "Josh, stop." "I'm serious." "Come on." "All that talk about death." "Tell me you don't want to." " No, stop." " What?" "You know what I want?" "I want you to have acted like my boyfriend seven years ago." "Taken me to a movie, bought me a fucking ice cream cone." "That's what I want." "Instead of being the guy who permanently fucked up my expectations for normalcy in a relationship." "The guy that made me explain to my mom, "No, Josh isn't exactly my boyfriend." ""He is just someone that sleeps with me" ""when he comes home pining for my best friend" ""too drunk to see straight."" "Sarah, I was 20." "So was I." "My dad had just left my mom." "Is that your excuse?" "I was angry." "Okay?" "I was angry at my dad, I was angry at fucking Ben." "That you didn't even see what you were doing to me?" "One minute." "What's your name?" "Amber?" "That's a pretty name." "How old are you?" "What's up?" "What's going on?" "Man, I'm sorry about that, Amber." "That's tough." "To feel like you've finally found that person, the right person for you and they don't feel the same." "Hey, Amber, Amber, Amber, most people I know, most people in the world," "they're actually really afraid to feel what you're feeling." "They won't even let themselves." "But you, you're willing to go there." "And, to me, that means that you are very, very brave." "And, to me, that means that you are gonna be just fine." "Hey." "Hi." "Will you pitch me again?" "On what?" "On why you want to try." "I want to." "I'm ready." "I know." "Tell me more." "I just need reasons." "Why?" "Because it turns out that I'm not." "It turns out it was a false alarm." "I guess I was just worried that maybe you got caught up in the moment and said some things that you didn't really mean and maybe someday you'd regret those so..." "I just..." "Ben, please, say something." "I don't know." "Not like I was lying back there." "Maybe you're right, maybe..." "What?" "Really?" "I push you that much and you fold?" "You're not even fighting me." "I don't know what it is I should do." "Come on, please." "Don't do that!" "Let's pretend like you're the one that's all in, when you know like I know if I was writing, if I was on, we wouldn't even be having this conversation and you wouldn't be opting out of our relationship" "and flying across country to LA." "Can you even hear yourself?" "If you were writing?" "Do you really think that's what this is about?" "This is not about you, this has nothing to do with your writing." "This has everything to do with my writing." "It's always had everything to do with my writing." " This is a dramatic night." " Yeah." "I was serious about dinner by the way." "It was so good!" "Thank you." " Shut up." " You should open your own restaurant." "Yeah, can you imagine that conversation with my parents?" "Fuck it, do it anyway." "So what?" "You just give up on what you want?" "Who says that's what I want?" "Okay, it's what I want." " You happy?" " Yeah, totally happy." "I'm sorry." "No, no, it's okay." "I'm sorry." " Hey, don't take that personally, okay?" " Okay." "It's kind of like a new policy of mine, apparently." " What does that mean?" " I just did the same thing to Josh." "Great." "Great." "Isaac, I'm..." "Come on, I didn't mean it like that." "I'm sorry, that was embarrassing." "I thought that's what you wanted." "No, I did." "I do, believe me." " Apparently not any more." " Well, for a long time I did want that." "Okay." "But..." "But?" "But that's..." "It's not what you want." " You don't know what I want." " Isaac, you don't want this." " Your 19-year-old self wants this." " You don't know that." "You want closure." "You want..." "I think you're afraid that this thing with Kate might be real because I think it is real and I think you think it could be real." "Sarah." "How'd it go?" "I don't think I have any blood on my hands." " That's great!" " That's good." "It's good." "Hey." "Hey." "You've been quiet all weekend." "Everyone likes talking more than listening." "Sometimes I just get tired of it and prefer the opposite." "Well, if that is not a rare quality, then I don't know what is." "Ben didn't mean it." "What he said to you." "It's okay, I..." "No, it's not." "It's not okay, what they did." "It's not okay what I did either." "Can I see?" "Why?" "I don't know." "Okay." "What?" "You know, we both have to let him go." "Where you been?" "Attempting to have sex with Sarah." "Good for her for turning you down." "Thank you." "You know, I can't remember what happened last." "Me writing something good, or me and Siri having sex." "So basically what you're saying is that you're blocked in more ways than one." "Yeah, that's one way to put it." "To think that I've been jealous of you for seven years." "Looks like someone made a friend." "He's the only one that understands me." "What happened to everyone?" "Isaac and Kate went to bed." "I guess Siri did, too." "What about Alex?" "I thought he was with you." "Ben." "Wait, wait, wait." "Ben!" "Hey, did you find him?" "Ben?" " Ben!" " Alex?" "What's going on?" "Please, please." "Just let me..." "What can you possibly say to me right now?" "That I love you." "Really, I do, more than anyone in the world." "Please." "Alex!" "Get off, get off!" "Wait!" "Ben!" "Ben!" "Ben!" "Wait!" "Ben!" "Please!" "Please!" "Please!" "I'm sorry, okay?" "Wait!" "No!" "Ben!" "Ben!" "Where are your keys?" "Sarah, where are your keys?" "I gave them to Ben." "What's going on?" " I don't know." " What?" "I don't know, everybody is getting together with everybody." "Fuck!" "Judgement has a way of creeping into every relationship, even the most intimate." "If we're lucky, somewhere along the way we meet a few people who listen to us without criticism or reproach." "We call those people our friends." "Nice shiner." "Nice driving." "What are you doing?" "Writing." "I'm a little fucked up." "No shit." "Can I play that card now?" "Sure." "I..." "I know that..." "That it's unhealthy to..." "To need just too much from people and I've been working really hard" "on trying to, like, set up healthy ways of" "communicating and..." "I don't..." "I don't know..." "I don't know why." "Hey." "World's got enough people you got to explain yourself to, right?" "Tell me if this is shit or not." "Thanks for last night, by the way." " For what?" " For rebuffing me." "Hey, what are friends for?" "Been thinking a lot this morning about investment." "Yeah, that's not weird or anything." "I'm serious." "I think you should open your place." "That's not gonna happen." "What if I helped you get on your feet, get set up?" "Get a little seed money or something." "Okay, I don't need anything from you." "I don't need help or a favour or anything." "It wouldn't be a favour, it'd be selfish." "I'd be making money off of you." " You're not being serious." " I'm being totally serious." "Believe it or not, I'm a pretty savvy businessman." "I know, but..." "But what?" "Come on, think about it." "A small place, Lower East Side, 12 tables, food from upstate." "Well, naturally the food would have to be from upstate." "The dishes would be a tasteful nod to the area's fading Jewish and Chinese denizens." "It's perfect." "Like an egg drop matzah ball soup?" "Yeah." "Szechuan brisket." "Sweet and sour kugel." "Kung pao latkes." " Sounds really good." " That sounds terrible." "Does sound terrible." "What do you say?" "Shake on it?" "Hey." "You've reached Ben Kaplan's cell phone." "Leave a message, I'll get..." "He's just blowing off steam." " Josh, I really fucked up." " I know." "He'll get past it." "It's ironic though." "Why?" "I just thought that if you were ever going to slip up, it would be with me." "Thanks for the ride." "So, you'll consider the offer?" "Yeah, sure." "It's really fucking good, you know." "Quite an auspicious start." "I guess I have you to thank for that also." " Good dog!" " Hey, Timmy!" "Thanks, guys." "Happy I passed on the insurance." "Tell them there was an elk." "In the shape of a tree?" "It jumped out like an elk." "You really can't drive." "Alex, you got any Krazy Glue in the house?" "They won't even notice." "So, do you hate me?" "Nope, no, I do not." "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm sure." "You know, I couldn't believe my luck freshman year when I found out you were placed across the hall." "You and me actually spoke." "It was like I wanted to throw away all ideas of dumb luck and start invoking God and fate and a bunch of other capitalised words." "Ben, why are you saying this right now?" "Because when good things happen, we always want to imagine them as fated." "When bad things happen, we curse the world as this cold and brutally random place." "I'm scared of what the world would look like without you." "You can't stay with me because you're scared." "You're right." "How was that for an introduction to my friends?" "A bigger disaster than I could have ever possibly imagined." "You're telling me." "And now you're gonna dump me as soon as we're not stuck together at 30,000 feet." "What are you talking about?" "What do you mean, what am I talking about?" "You said it yourself, I've made a total fool of myself." "Baby, my friends were the disaster." "You're amazing." " That's not true." " It's totally true." "You're the only sane person here, you know." "Hey." "I'm really glad you came." "Ready to meet my parents?" "I don't think so." "I don't blame you, they're fucking crazy." "Good Timmy." "So, we are all doomed, romantically speaking." "Only on like a deep karmic level." "For whatever reason, I'm strangely okay with that." "What?" "Maybe I'm turning over a new leaf." "Maybe we should make one of those pacts, where if we're still single when we're 35, we all just get married." " Who?" "The three of us?" " Yes, and Timmy, of course." "We'll make a great dysfunctional family." " How does that sound Timmy?" " I'd consider it." " You going so soon?" " Flight to catch." " See if I can rustle up Ben and Siri." " Thanks for coming, man." " See you soon, I hear?" " Yeah, hopefully at the end of the month." " I'm excited." " What does that mean?" "Alex asked if there was any openings at the place I work, and I told him there was a strong likelihood I could get him a job." "That's awesome." " Congratulations!" " Thanks." "I think I have a strong resume." "Is that a suicide joke?" "Too soon." "I'm gonna to miss you guys!" "Not me, I'm gonna be checking in on my investment." "What investment?" " Sarah's opening a restaurant." " No, I'm not." " Yes, she is!" " What?" "No, he's crazy." " Sarah!" " What?" "Take the money before he gets an even worse idea of what to do with it." "Where's your stuff?" "Yeah, about that." "I think I'm hanging around awhile." "Seems like Ben got a good idea for a story last night, and so I told him he should stay and write." "So, staying was an option?" " You could stay." " I don't want to stay." " You wanna stay?" " No, I don't want to stay." "I'm sorry, can we take a group photo, please?" "Yes." " I thought we talked about this." " I know, but, please?" " We got time for exactly one photo." " All right." " Here, I'll take it." " Thank you, Kate!" "Thank you!" "The car is dying to be in it." "We have to." "Yeah, and don't forget to get my shoes in, baby." "Yeah." "Please, frame up for the shoes, please!" "It's the most important part." " Alex, right?" " Yeah." "You can join us if you want." "Cool, thanks." "I send you on a mission for sugar, you bring back a lost boy." " Hey, man, I'm Josh." " Hey." "Alex." " I don't think we've met." "I'm Ben." " Siri." " I'm sorry." "Ben, Siri." "Siri, Ben." " Nice to meet you." "I think we're in the same dorm." "Yeah, yeah, exactly." "It's shocking I haven't met you before." "I'm sorry." " Isaac!" " Josh." " Did you get enough macaroni and cheese?" " Shut up, Josh!" " Did you order the mountain?" " Sarah, I've got this." "Shut up, Josh!" " Hi, I'm Sarah." " Hi, Alex." "Nice to meet you." "Ignore him, anything he says." "Can you believe these guys?" "I was wondering if you met our new friend." "I'm sure you'll fit right in." "Ben?" "Want to just take a solo or do you want to join the group?" "Come on." "All right, posture everyone." "I'm going to need you get a lot closer together than that." "Come on, come on." "All right, I'm gonna propose a quick idea, you guys." "Maybe next time we do this, it's a happy occasion." "Is there gonna be a next time?" " Alex!" " Okay!" "One, two..."