"Previouslyonthisisus..." "My water just broke." "Yep." "First male is out." "You hear that, babe?" "We got a boy." "Something's... not right..." "Your wife is in distress, Jack." "I found him." "I found him." "Randall peasing." "I'm your biological son." "Toby." "Kate." "So, you want to be fat friends?" "This show is so bad!" "Everything's fake!" "I quit." "We lost the third baby, Jack." "I'm very sorry." "Iliketo thinkthatyoutook thesourestlemon thatlifehastooffer andturnedit intosomething resemblinglemonade." "guys, breakfast!" "Let's go!" "Mom, Webster told me to shut up." "Shut up!" " Do not call him that." "Everyone else always does." "I don't care what everybody else does." "Randall is your little brother;" "You have to have his back." "No, sweetheart." "No, no, no." "Your breakfast is over there, Kate." "Thank you." "Baby, we talked about this." "Morning." "Good morning." "Yuck." "Jack!" "It's fine." "It's fine." "Did you get fruit?" "Yes." "Hey." "Do you need me to show you where the coffee is?" "Oh, I know where the coffee is." "Okay." "Good." "Just give me..." "Okay." "Dad's off." "Deep breaths." "And..." "First came..." "Me!" "And dad said..." "Gee!" "And then came..." "Me!" "And mom said..." "Whee!" "And then came..." "Me." "And we said..." "That's three." "Big three?" " Big three!" "Do you need me to show you where my mouth is?" "No." "I know where it is." "Oh." "Good." "Bye." "Bye." "Kate, all the fruit, please." "good job." "you know, I just did bi's, tri's and left testicle." "I'm really starting to get some definition on that guy." "Not funny." "It's fun..." "It's not funny." "Come on." "Come on, can we go?" "We've been here long enough." "No..." "Kate." "Come on, Kate..." "Come on." "How are you losing weight and I'm not?" "Can I be honest with you?" "Yeah, please." "I think I'm just taking this more seriously than you are." "Come on." "Let's go." "Worst place in the world!" "baby?" "Yeah." "I want to ask you something, but..." "I'm not sure how to say it." "Since when do we censor ourselves with each other?" "No, I know, it's..." "You know, Beth, we've been together for 17 years." "That's almost half our lives." "I know your face, your hands, your soul better than I know my own." "You don't have to censor yourself." "Ever." "Not with me." "What was your question?" "How long is your crack-addict biological daddy gonna be sleeping in our six-year-old daughter's bedroom?" "Damn." "I know, right?" "You need to censor yourself, woman." "It's just got real." "But Randall, he's been here for three days." "And the girls still think he's your 70-year-old co-worker who likes sleepovers." "What's our endgame here?" "Beth, the man has stage 4 stomach cancer." "I'm just trying to get him to his first doctor's appointment, make sure he's gonna make it past Thursday." "Then we can take the rest from there." "Okay?" "Yeah." "Okay." "And he's a former crack addict, by the way." "Oh, well, then he can stay forever." "See?" "You didn't even think about that." "so now Rebecca's all worked up because the kids at school are calling him "Webster."" "You know, the black kid the white family adopts on that show?" "I love that show." "Yeah." "I don't know." "I don't know, Miguel, it's just..." "It's hard to see the woman i married sometimes, you know?" "what?" "Nothing." "Nothing." "Nothing." "You..." "I'm your, I'm your best friend." "You're venting." "Best friends let best friends vent without judgment." "I'm not even gonna say anything about it being 5:03 and that being your second bourbon." "I appreciate that." "The thing is..." "Your wife is, like, the gold standard of wives." "I know, Miguel." "I mean, she's smart, funny, beautiful, great personality, greater ass..." "Easy." "She's raising not one, not two, but three eight-year-olds while you sit here drinking not one, not two, but soon to be three bourbons by 5:05." "I know all this, Miguel." "Yeah?" "Yeah." "Because as your loyal best friend, it is my duty to remind you of what you've got there." "You married way, wayaboveyourstation." "I'd be careful not to give her a reason to notice." "Oh, my father, he wasn't a very nice man." "He wasn't like your father." "Why not?" "Well, your father, he's good." "He doesn't have vices." "You know what a vice is?" "A vice is like a bad habit, like biting' your nails, but worse." "Like drugs?" "Yeah, that's right." "That was my vice." "Where would you get drugs?" "Well, that's an interesting question, Tess." "Let's see..." "Well, the cocaine i used to..." "That's good." "Okay, kids." "Let's get ready for school, okay?" "Come on." "Hey, so I got good news." "I got you an appointment with an immunotherapy specialist." "Oh, that's not necessary." "No, it was nothing." "Guy at my firm had an in." "This guy is doing some really ground-breaking stuff." "Thank you;" "That's very kind." "You got it." "Oh, hey, come on, baby." "I need you to take one big, deep breath for me, okay?" "Oh, that's good." "All right." "My vice is asthma." "His is cocaine." "All right, so let's get our jackets." "Okay." "Go and get your coat." "Honey, here, take your lunch." "Okay." "Here you go." "Hey, I'm sorry." "I know they're too young to talk about cocaine." "I just..." "I feel like six is a hair young for cocaine..." "Yeah, but seven..." "We let them try it at seven." "Um, so..." "What are you up to today, William?" "Oh, nothing much." "The usual." "I've really enjoyed being here." "Being around those girls-- it fills me in a way..." "In a way I surely don't deserve, so..." "I hope you'll let me know when I've overstayed my welcome." "You know, don't be silly." "We're happy to have you." "Uh..." "I was wondering if I could be so forward as to ask you for a few dollars for the bus." "Oh, sure." "Sure." "Where you going?" "Oh, you know, just around." "Victor." "My man." "How you been?" "I've been Hector." "Right on." "Yeah." "Yeah, and I'm sorry." "I got a lot on my mind." "I don't know if you heard the news." "I left the show." "Yeah." "I'm gonna meet with the team today." "You know, we're gonna strategize, talk next steps." "Lots to figure out, lots to talk about." "It's exciting." "Exciting times for everyone involved." "Kevin, do you remember where you were when I found you?" "Yeah, sure." "I was, uh, in an improv comedy troupe." "That's right." "And when I saw your first show, do you know what I thought to myself, Kevin?" "No, i-i..." "I thought to myself..." "I've done it." "I have found the least funny person on the entire planet." "Okay." "But I saw something there, so I took you on." "And I got you the commercials, got you the soaps, eventually got you a job paying you almost three million dollars a year, making you so famous that you could wear a ski cap when it is 80 degrees outside," "and no one would say a damn thing." "Okay, lanie..." "Take off that hat." "Okay." "What's done is done, right?" "I mean, you know, can't we just..." "Move on?" "Brian... speak." "You're contractually bound to the show for another two years." "Okay." "All right, and if I refuse?" "Listen to me very carefully, Kevin." "The network owns you." "They can sue you for damages." "They could bankrupt you." "And even if someone slipped a chill pill into their collective drink, you would still be legally unable to work for the next two years." "That's for any studio, any network." "Television or film." "So..." "That's the good news." "Now here's the part you're not gonna like." "She'sthrowingthisbig ..." "Hollywood party at her house tonight, right?" "The network president's gonna be there, everyone." "I'm supposed to show up, get down on my hands and knees and beg to be the Manny again." "Yeah." "They own me, sis." "I don't know what I'm gonna do." "Well, I do, and you did it already." "Do you need me to show you the video on YouTube?" "No." "Kevin, I've known you your whole life." "Well, except for those two minutes at the beginning." "You've succeed at everything you've ever tried." "So here's what's gonna happen." "Okay?" "You're gonna go to that party, and you're gonna march up to that network guy, and you're gonna tell him, "Manny out!"" "Mm-hmm." "Manny out?" "Manny out." "Manny out!" "Well, you're not supposed to say the... okay." "Manny out!" "That's good." "Let me ask you a question." "Mm." "What did I ever do those first two minutes without you?" "Oh, you cried, and you crapped a lot." "Sounds about right." "Yeah." "So you're coming to the party, though, tonight with me, right?" "The fancy Hollywood party?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "No, I'm not." "Yeah." "Kevin, I... okay, f..." "I don't even have anything to wear." "Kate." "I need you there, okay?" "It's gonna be fun." "Is it?" "Is-is...?" "It's gonna be a blast." "Yes, it's gonna be a blast." "Manny out." "Kevin, here... here's the..." "Manny out." "Or maybe Manny out!" "Whatever... whatever works." "But water, scarce though it is, has also, like the wind, shaped the land itself." "Nothing can live..." "All right, little mamas, five-minute warning till teeth brushing." "But..." "It's not open for discussion." "Rain, the source of all..." "Hey, William William!" "Hi, everybody." "You're home late." "Everything okay?" "Yeah, yes." "I'm fine." "Just a long day." "I think I may just go lay myself down for the night." "Well... night." "Night." "From the ashes rises the Phoenix..." "Okay, monsters, these teeth aren't gonna brush themselves." "Oh, God." "Hey, girl, what you been eating?" "Ice cream." "You scream?" "I'm gonna scream if I got to carry you up these stairs." "You're too heavy." "GuessthethingIreallyneed to say out loud to everyone is, well..." "I'm down three pounds in one week." "Oh, guys, come on." "Stop." "Stop." "You don't..." "Well, okay, fine, keep going." "I'm-I'm so happy." "I'm..." "Well, I had a crap day at work, so I stopped at Wendy's." "And I was about to eat in the car, which is... all you know is my thing." "The second I left the drive-through, I threw ten dollars' worth of Wendy's out of my moving car, and I went home, and I had a salad." "I know I'm ridiculous." "I know" "I'm a joke to you guys." "I know I have body distortion issues or whatever it's called, but it's real." "It's brutal." "I wish I could show you guys what I see when I look in the mirror..." "Oh, for God's sake." "Madison, you weigh 105 pounds." "If you feel like a fat girl when you look in the mirror, why don't you step a damn scale?" "And when the scale reads "one, zero, five,"" "you know that you're not fat." "And Laurie, that Wendy's story, okay." "I'm sorry, but you're just a litterer." "You're just a littering damn litterer." "Uh..." "Well, that feels like a good place for a break." "You hulked out on a bunch of fatties." "You're not going to make me laugh, Toby." "What's up, kid?" "My brother is making me go to this nightmare Hollywood party at his agent's house tonight." "Yeah, I went to buy a dress, and nothing fit, literally nothing." "Everything looks terrible." "I'm not losing weight." "I'm starving." "I don't know." "That's what's up, I guess." "Okay." "Hey, your brother's agent is lanie Shultz, right?" "Yeah." "Kate, lanie Shultz is one of the most powerful agents in what I like to call..." "Show business." "I heard that deadpool was her idea." "Or maybe it was Hamilton." "I get those two confused." "Anyway," "Kate, you are so taking me to that party." "Uh-uh." "Mm-hmm." "No." "I don't want you to see me there." "Like, I am at my worst at those things." "Kate, you are at your worst when you are eviscerating the anorexic lady, and I am still standing here." "Look, we have had three lunches and four dinner dates." "We have made out seven times and heavy-petted twice." "Our plane is rapidly approaching the boyfriend-girlfriend zone, and, I, for one, am preparing myself for landing." "But I need to know that everything isn't gonna always be about our weight." "All right?" "We need to be able to cut loose at parties." "We need to get really dressed up, we need to have sex." "I just slipped that in there very casually because I think that's something that we should start doing very soon." "So, Kate, I am asking you, please, for the love of God, can we spend one fat-free night at the house of the lady who came up with the idea for deadpool and/or Hamilton?" "Is that a..." "Is that a smile?" "Is that...?" "Yes, that's a yes and a smile." "All right, hey, guys, Bruce banner's back." "Everything's fine." "The hulk is gone." "Let the healing continue." "Sorry about that." "Are you comfy?" "Okay, sweetness." "Good night." "I love you so much." "I love you, too." "Mom?" "Yeah, babe?" "I only ate fruit today." "You know I just want you to be healthy, right?" "And I want you to be happy." "Are you happy?" "For the most part." "Well, then, I'm happy, too." "Tell you what." "How about you and I find a healthy balance together?" "How does that sound?" "All right." " Shut up!" " You shut up, Webster." " Stop calling me names!" "Goodnight." "Boys?" "Uh-uh." "Hey!" "Hey, hey, hey, hey!" "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no." "No, stop." "To your beds right now." "Now." "Okay, who am I yelling at first?" "Kev, bud, what is the deal?" "Why are you always so hard on him?" "Everybody thinks it's weird that we're brothers." "You know it doesn't matter what people think." "He is your little brother, Kevin." "You have to be there for one another." "Do you hear me?" "Yes." "I love you." "Can you force him be nice?" "I'll see what I can do." "Hey." "Promise me you'll always be good." "I'll see what I can do." "I love you." "Now get some sleep, please." "No more fighting." "Don't make me come back in here." "Good night, I love you." "Hi, baby." "Hi, baby." "Did I miss putting them down?" "Just by an hour." "Well, I was..." "I was-- oh, shopping." "I was shopping." "I know..." "I know we haven't been on the same page lately." "That we just got to get back on track, baby." "So..." "Consider this a..." "Way-too-expensive peace offering." "I think we've been more than off track." "Hey, how do you think we're doing so far?" "At parenting?" "I..." "'Cause I think we're at a six." "On a sliding scale, one through ten," "I think we're at a six and I think I'm being generous." "Bec..." "Seven, fine, but only because there are three of them." "Baby, I..." "And the thing is," "I'm trying really hard to get us to a nine." "Because they are cute kids, and they deserve nine-parents." "And, the thing is, i feel like I'm there, Jack." "I feel like I'm operating at a nine." "Because I do individualized lunches and I do individualized tuck-ins for each kid so nobody feels gypped." "And..." "When you're home, and you're you, you're way better than I am." "You're a ten when you're you, Jack." "But you're getting home later and later and when you do come home, you're..." "Bec, what are you saying?" "The drinking has to stop." "You have to reign it in, baby, because I won't have it in my house." "You won't have it in your house." "I won't." "So if it's a problem, fix it." "Be a man, and fix it." "Because I'm done letting you lower our score." "Damn." "Yeah?" " Yeah." "Hell to the yeah." "Thanks." "You look dapper." "Ah, show business." "Oh, great, you're, uh-- we got to go, you know?" "'Cause we're gonna be late." "Okay." "You're wearing that?" "Yeah." "That's great." "You look awesome." "Oh, is the hat too much?" "The hat is everything." "Yeah, that's a real peacock feather." "Come on, show business!" "hey, go, okay?" "And I'm right here if you need me." "Okay?" "Manny out." " Go get 'em." "You and I are crushing that dance floor." "Let's go." "Come on, let's go." "Oh, no!" "Come on!" "Come on." "Kate." "Kate." "Kate." "All right, come on, come on, we're getting you drunk." "Come on, yup." "Time to get drunk." "Let's just go." "Jack, it's Miguel." "It's late, so I'm leaving you a message at the office in case I miss you in the morning." "Feel like I overstepped before." "Um, you know I love you, you know I love you guys." "Hell..." "I'mjealousof your relationship,ifanything." "Uh, I shouldn't have said anything at the bar." "Now I'm just overdoing it." "Uh..." "Okay." "Bye." "Hey." "You need to get some sleep, it's late." "You've been up since, like, 4:00 this morning." "No, I know." "Just five more minutes." "Hey." "Shower." "Sleep." "Now." "You shower quick, you can work off that last five minutes a different way." "I am so happy that we could all get together." "You know, work through, and..." "And..." "Kevin just feels awful..." "I'm so sorry, this is whole thing, lanie, is ridiculous." "I mean..." "Mr. Manning." "I'm truly grateful for everything that your network has done for me, I am." "But please let me go with God, sir." "The way I handled myself," "I mean, that was wrong, I'll be the first one to admit that." "That-that was wrong." "But can't we all, at this point, just, sort of, you know..." "Sort of move on, right?" "You're a good kid, Kevin." "I appreciate your honesty." "Thank you." "The show, it's a solid performer, but it's not the biggest thing on my network." "Without lanie telling me, would I have known you from one of these waiters passing around the chicken skewers?" "Probably not." "Really?" "I really don't care what happens behind the scenes on my third-rated sitcom." "You know what I do care about?" "Mm-mm." "St. maarten, Kevin." "I'm building a home in St. maarten and in two years I'm going to retire, and my favorite wife and i are going to move there." "Until then," "I plan on just drifting through these two years as painlessly and drama-free as possible." "Like I'm on morphine, Kevin, that's how I'll be drifting through those years." "Okay." "That's... great, you know?" "Go with God." "You know, the thing is-- excuse me darling." "Recasting the lead on a hit sitcom, isn't exactly drifting on morphine, now is it, Kevin?" "So unfortunately, my boy, you're not gonna be leaving the show." "If you do, I'll be forced to Nagasaki your life and career." "Hey, have you ever heard of the actor, uh, Taylor Jennings?" "I'm not familiar with the name." "I Nagasaki'd him." "So take the money, kid." "Ride out the next couple years, all right?" "Otherwise, I'll make you a bigger laughingstock than you already are." "Deal?" "I'm sorry, I'm j-- I'm gonna go, uh..." "My sister's here," "I'm gonna go check on her." "It's his twin sister." "Big girl." "You love drunk Kate." "I love drunk Kate." "Wait, what?" "Woo!" "Hey." "Hey!" "How'd it go?" "I'm wasted." "Not good." "Good?" "Oh, my God, that's great." "No, no, no, no, not good." "It did not" " I don't know what I'm gonna do." "Uh-oh!" "Gone fishing." "You caught a whopper!" "Uh-oh." "Come reel me in, got to reel me in." "It's my first time fishing." "Won't be his last." "Well..." "Which little monster's standing at my door?" "It's okay, I'm way too old to be scared of monsters." "I think it's time you and I had a talk." "I can't wait until the next day of school starts." "Hey, everyone, it's Webster!" "Kev, come on, Kevin, ditch Webster." "Let's go." "Come on." "Hey." "Hey." "Hey, uh... is it too late out there?" "I know you're usually up late, right?" "No, I was just, uh..." "Catching up on some paperwork." "Sweet, uh..." "Hey, listen, i-i know I've owed you a phone call since everything went down, it's been crazy out here, just... you know." "No, it's all good." "Kate's kept me up to speed." "Good." "They said they're not gonna let me out of the show, man." "And I..." "I don't know what I'm gonna do, like..." "They locked me in for two more years, maybe more." "Damn." "Well, what are you gonna do?" "I was kind of hoping you'd tell me." "Oh, because you care what I think?" "Because I care what everyone thinks, man." "You know that." "I was not a very good brother to you, was I?" "No, you weren't." "But you've still got time." "Hey!" "Yeah, uh..." "Anyway, look, it's getting late, man, I, you know..." "I probably should go." "It's, uh..." "Kate's here, it's Randall." "Oh, hey, Randall!" "Hey." "Anyway, yeah, i-i should probably, uh..." "I got to go back inside and sell my soul to the network, like the whore that I am." "Hey, kev." "Deep breath, okay?" "Come on, man." "First came..." "Me." "And dad said..." ""Gee."" "And then came..." "Me!" "And mom said..." ""Whee!" And then came..." "Me." "And they said..." ""That's three."" "Big three!" " Big three!" "Yeah." "You good?" "Uh... yeah." "Yeah, I'm good, I'm good." "Kevin?" "Yeah?" "Mom and dad didn't raise no whores." "Except briefly, during Kate's eyeliner phase." "Yeah." "Night, little brother." "Night, big brother." "Hon?" "There you go." "Thank you." "Mm-hmm." "Can I cut to the chase?" "It's your meeting." "Eight years ago, I was, um, pregnant for the first time." "And Randall was vying for partner at his firm." "We'd just bought this house on faith, even though it needed a lot of work, even though we couldn't afford it whatsoever." "Then Randall made partner." "He did all the work on the house himself, so we didn't have to spend a penny." "And he made sure i didn't lift a finger during my pregnancy." "He's a good man." "No, he's not good." "He's perfect." "Problem is, he stopped sleeping." "And then one morning, i was in the bathroom, and he called out to me." "And he was confused, you know?" "He was confused because he..." "Couldn't see anything." "My husband-- my Mountain of a man-- could literally no longer see things through his eyes." "It was as if 28 years of being that perfect had all caught up to him that morning." "And he, um..." "He pulled himself out of it." "He self-corrected, 'cause that's what my man does." "Randall is not free of vice, William." "His vice is his goodness." "It's his compulsive drive to be perfect." "It's why I love him..." "But it's also why I have to protect him sometimes, you know?" "So now, I'm gonna have to ask you a couple questions, questions he would probably be too polite to ask himself." "Ask away." "The money you borrow." "You use it for the bus?" "Yes." "Where do you go?" "You're gone all day, every day." "My place in Philadelphia, it's a long ride." "Why?" "Are you using drugs?" "Are you getting drugs?" "Mm-mm." "No." "Are you really sick?" "Yes, I am." "Beth, I said it before, and I really meant it:" "If I'm overstaying my welcome," "I wish you would just say it." "William, you are overstaying..." "Beth." "What are you doing?" "Somebody has to ask the questions here, baby..." "It's a cat." "I have a cat." "It's all I really have." "His name's Clooney." "One of those ironic names, 'cause he's a pretty ugly cat." "I go back and forth to feed him." "Three hours on the bus each day." "Why wouldn't you just tell us you had a cat?" "Nah." "The little one has asthma and I knew if i brought up the cat, you'd tell me to bring it, that would cause problems." "And I don't want to cause any problems, 'cause if I cause problems, I'd have to leave." "And..." "And I don't want to leave." "Six months ago, some doctor told me I had three to live." "But for some reason, i don't feel so bad lately." "Maybe to do with this house." "I don't know." "Truth is, I'd never thought" "I'd have anything to care about again besides an ugly cat, so..." "Well, now I feel like a bitch." "It's not funny." "It's not." "It's not funny." "I'm about two hours away from throwing up violently." "Mm." "Are you gonna hold my hair for me, Toby?" "No." "I-I'm still gonna be at this party, trying to bang a gilmore girl." "Well, go for both." "Gil-more the gil-merrier." "It's always gonna be about the weight for me, Toby." "It's been my story ever since i was a little girl." "And every moment that I'm not thinking about it," "I'm thinking about it." "Like..." "Will this chair hold me?" "Will this dress fit me?" "And if I ever get pregnant, would..." "Will anyone ever notice?" "It's just at the core of who I am, it's just deep inside, and eight Tequila shots can only mask that for a couple hours." "So..." "I know." "And it was ten Tequila shots, but I..." "I get it." "I know." "And just for the record, um, this dress is fitting you in all the right places." "This old thing?" "Uh-huh." "I mean, i-i just threw it on." "Oh, you just threw it on?" "Mm-hmm." "I didn't even think about it." "There he is." "I told 'em to go screw themselves." "And what'd they say?" "A lot of mean, scary things." "I'm gonna do theater." "You know?" "I'm moving to New York." "Show business." "What are you doing out here?" "I don't like sleeping far away from you." "No more drinking." "You can't just stop..." "I can." "For you, I can." "I will." "You know, when I was a little boy," "I didn't know what I wanted to be when I grew up." "Adults always ask little kids that." "You know?" "I never had a good answer." "Not until... not until I was 28." "Till the day that I met you." "That's when I knew exactly what i wanted to be when I grew up:" "I wanted to be the man that made you happy." "You make me happy." "Not always." "Not lately." "From here on out, I'm gonna be an 11 for you, baby." "No..." "Screw that." "I'm gonna be a 12 for you, from here out." "I'll be an 11 for the kids, but you get a 12." "Do you forgive me?" "You slept outside our bedroom door like a labrador." "Of course I forgive you." "Can I still give you my gift?" "If you insist." "do you like it?" "I got a moon because of..." "Our song." "Yeah." "I'm never gonna take it off." "do you like it?" "Does it look good?" "it's beautiful." "Thank you." "mm." "how much time we have till the kids get up?" "I don't care about the kids." "Pile drive!" "Daddy, stop!" "Daddy, stop!" "If you want to sleep in, you have to pay the tickle tax!" "Tickle tax." "Oh." "All right, come on, honey." "It's time to take care of..." "Here you go." "Good." "Big breath." "Good." "You expecting somebody?" "no." "Grandma and grandpa are here!" "I'll be in my room." "hey, mom." "Hey, Miguel." "hey." "and Toyota."