"No." "You supposed to be on the other side." "You break on beat two, not beat one." "Well, it doesn't matter, as long as it's the same beat." " It does matter cos I choose the beat we break on." " Ooh!" "What have you got him filming for?" "You should be upstairs revising for your A-Levels." "Salsa is so lame!" "It was on EastEnders about 100 years ago!" "Shut up, you!" "It's so we can watch it and learn from our mistakes." " Well, from YOUR mistakes." " That is it!" ""You're supposed to break on beat two."" "Get yourself a new partner." "That woman in class who smiles at you." "Lazy eye!" "Go off with her!" "All right." "Don't go into one." "If I weren't a perfectionist, I wouldn't have married you!" " Oh Lame!" " Turn that off!" " You lead if you want." " It'll kill you not to lead, won't it?" " Close hold, OK?" " Ooh!" "Rank!" "'Scuse me, are you my wife?" "'Scuse me, are you my wife?" "'Scuse me, are you my wife?" "I wouldn't be asking, only I need a lift home." "Could you get me home?" "!" "Look, this is me!" "Hasn't got my address on it though." " Come on now." " Are you my wife?" " Your wife's waiting for you, sir, at the hospital." " No, not the hospital." "I want to go home." "Oi!" "I'm red-blooded." "I'm a red-blooded man." "I told him." "I told him two hours ago." "Take it back and if he gives you any grief, come to me." "When I say on a just-in-time basis, I mean on the day we agreed." " I do not want three ton of brick on the floor for a week." " Clear." "No, threaten to go elsewhere." "That's how you make it clear." "Right." "Three ground workers are sick." "I still want an access road by the end of the week." "Davey!" "Where's your hi-vis jacket?" " Someone nicked it." " Go get another one." "All right, Guv." "Here's one I made earlier!" "Oh, bloody hell, I'm in trouble." " I've got to get home." " Blame me." "How can I?" "I'm the boss of you." "Find us a bloody taxi then, boss!" " There's one!" " All right." "Taxi!" "NO!" " Nanny and Granddad are coming over, OK?" " Just go." "They're waiting." "Can you give Dad this?" "Course I can, darling." "Get back to sleep, OK." "Night, night." "Mum, he's not going to die, is he?" "He wouldn't dare." " I'm so sorry." " How bad is he?" " I don't know." " You saw how fast the car was going." " Yeah, he wasn't speeding." "Doesn't look like him." "There's not a mark on him." "No, that's not what I mean." "Sleeping Beauty." "When will he wake up?" "We've no way of knowing yet." "Will he wake up?" "Put loads on." "Don't worry, I've sorted it." "He needs to have his senses stimulated." " It's his favourite." " Yeah, yeah." "Tell him you're wearing it all over." "He'll soon come round." "Thanks." " Hey, hey, hey!" "What's going on?" "What are you doing?" " Don't worry." "I know it doesn't look very nice but we're testing his responses." " His coma has lightened enough for it." " Is he coming out of it?" " Ready to come off the ventilator soon." " So he'll be all right then?" "Well, there's a long way to go yet." "Yeah, but you must have some idea." "Brain injuries are different every time." "Come with me." "Look... how someone was before their accident, usually has a lot to do with how things turn out for them afterwards." "So, what's he like?" "Well, um... he's got a degree in building management." "No, I don't mean that." "I mean..." "he went to night school to get it." "He was working as a plumber in the day." "Do you see?" "I see." "I've loved him since I was 16." "He loves me." "That's what he's like" "And I want him back." "OK." "Talk to him." "Talk?" "What about?" "He's your bloke, not mine." "Alan... it's me." "You're in hospital." "Some bastard run you over." "They're good in here though - making you better" "You've got loads of cards." "Do you want me to read them out to you?" "OK, I'll get them." "OK." "Let's do Dean's first, shall we?" "OK." ""To Dad, get well soon."" "That's all he's written." "Never think he was hoping to go to university, would you?" "Monosyllabic 17-year-old what do you expect?" "Um, Joel's done his own card." "Oh, he's done a picture of a heart." "No, it's not a heart, yes, brain... it's brain." "And he's coloured it in, look!" "Coloured it in pink." "Oh, Johnathan's been really good." "He's sorting out your sick pay with the company." "And, oh, yeah, he says we might be due some compensation." "So Acapulco here we come!" "I keep looking at people and thinking, "Why didn't it happen to them?"" "They're lucky... so fucking lucky!" "Course it's illogical." "I know what you're thinking." ""What's new?"" "I always know what you're thinking." "# You do something to me #" "# Something deep inside #" "# I'm hanging on the wire #" "# For a love I'll never find... #" "Always does this to me, this song." "Every time." "Stirs your soul." " And some memories." " Mmm." "It upsets me when you're upset." "But it makes you very, very sweet as well." "That means I'm a big Jessie." "No, it doesn't!" "Baby." "# Hanging on the wire, yeah... #" " He's off the ventilator and doing fine." " It's all right if I do this?" "Wake up, Dad, wake up Lazybones." "Sweetheart" "Careful, careful, darling." "The boys are here, boys are here." " Mum!" " What?" "He's just opened one eye!" "Did you see that?" "He just opened one eye!" "Mum, he's closed it." "Yeah, he's..." "Sorry, he's closed it now." "Do you want me to get you some sweets downstairs?" "Yeah, Maltesers." "Big pack." "I can't just keep watching him." "Just watching him, you know, do nothing." "Well, he's never done nothing, has he?" "Why don't you take Joel with you?" "Go on, sweetheart." "I'm sorry I pinched you." "I've got that perfume you like on." "Can you smell it?" "Did you...?" "Did you see that?" " Muscle flexing." " Yeah, but he just touched my boob!" "Motor response." "It's still good." "It's all good." "YOUR NAME IS ALAN HAMILTON." "YOU ARE IN HOSPITAL." "YOU HAVE BEEN INVOLVED IN A ROAD ACCIDENT." "YOUR BRAIN IS INJURED." "YOU WILL HAVE PROBLEMS MAKING SENSE OF THINGS." " Fuck off!" " You're in hospital, Alan," " OK." " Fuck off!" " He's speaking!" " Alan!" " Shut up!" " Why's he so upset?" " Post coma agitation happens a lot." "OK, you've had an accident, Alan, that's why you're here." " Where?" " Can't you give him something?" " Give me something!" " Alan, Alan, it's me." "It's me, darling." "Did you bring the outline drawings, with the elevations?" "Unless I see the drawings, I don't know whether I can build it for you or not in the time frame." " Do you know who this is, Alan?" "Who is this lady?" " It's me, darling." "It's me." "The first thing he did when he came out of the coma was to ask about you two." "What did he say about me?" "He said, "Tell him to get off PlayStation."" "He's brain damaged." "He must be." "It's injured!" "Anyway, he's more than his brain." " He's your dad, he's Alan." " How?" "We are our brains." "You're too smart for your own good sometimes." "Hello." "Hello." " It's me." " Yeah." "Trisha." "Are you one of the nurses?" "No, no, darling, no." "It's Trisha." "I'm your wife." "I'm Trisha." "I'm your wife." "Cheryl!" "You're Cheryl!" "No, no, Cheryl was your first girlfriend." "I'm Trisha." "I'm Trisha." "Cheryl was your first girlfriend, but you married me." "Did I?" "Yeah." "What's that?" "Hot." "Yeah." "We were on holiday together in Portugal, do you remember?" "On a hovercraft together." " Honeycomb." " No, no." "Honeycomb." "Holiday." "Honeycomb." "What's your name?" "This amnesia will go." " Completely?" " Nice arse!" "I'm so sorry." "Alan!" "It's fine." "Alan, you mustn't do that, OK?" "I didn't like that then." "Still nice." " Hey." " Can I see him?" " He's a bit... not great." " What the fuck am I doing here anyway?" "Alan, keep your pyjamas on." "I want to go home!" "Sounds like he's had enough of this place." "Giving people a hard time as usual." "No, no, no, no!" "You're still on the mend, darling." " What are they mending?" " Hello, mate." "Do you know who this is?" "Hmm, who's this?" "It's Johnathan from work." "What is your work, Alan?" "I go on a hovercraft with her.(?" ")" "What does he mean?" "He doesn't know what he means." "You're looking well, anyway, mate." "Even when he comes out of amnesia, they think he won't remember just before the accident, or the accident itself" "I won't forget it." "Anyway, he'll get better." "He won't stay like that, will he?" "I don't think I could handle..." "Course he'll get better." "I mean, I've stepped up to his job but it's only temporary." "It's just keeping it warm for him." "Yeah." " How are you getting on?" " Fine, fine, yeah." " Watched him do it for years, haven't I?" " Tricia!" "What's happened?" "Excuse me!" "Are you my...?" "Are you my wife?" "Hello, you're through to Alan Hamilton." "I'm sorry I'm not available to take your call but if you leave your number, I'll get back to you." " What did you think you were doing?" " Are you arresting me?" " Any more escaped lunatics to catch?" " He's not a lunatic, he's my husband!" "You try being hit by a car!" "He's not long come out of fucking coma!" "'All right don't go into one'." "Trisha!" "Don't go into one!" " Steady on!" " Oh, I've missed you!" "Where have I been?" "What items do you think you need for showering?" "Shower gel... a towel..." " ...anti-perspirant." " OK." "Identify what you need." "Right, you can go now." "No, Alan, I stay." " Bit funny." " Just to keep an eye on you." "Kinky!" "Look, all I'm going to do is take a shower." "how hard can that be?" "Well, that's what I want to see." "I have to..." "I have to take my dressing table off." " Dressing gown." " Exactly!" "There's a shower curtain there, look." " What are you doing?" "!" " Alan, you need to turn the shower on." " I'm drying myself off." " But you haven't got wet yet." "Oh." " And Alan...?" " What now?" "Do you mind not masturbating in front of me?" "Don't look, then!" "Do you want to try the shower again?" "Success!" "Result!" "Mission accomplished." "Hiya!" "Look what Dad's doing!" " Dry yourself off." "Put your dressing gown on." " All right, boys!" "Now!" "That was so funny!" "Is he ready to come home?" " Oh, an outreach team will come and see him." " How often?" "You and your family will be able to do a huge amount for him." " You'll be a constant part of rehab." " Yeah, but are we up to it?" "You love him, don't you?" "So you won't be able to stop yourself doing the cognitive and OT stuff." "You won't be able to stop yourself making him better, will you?" "No, no, I won't." " Come here." "Put it on your little finger." " Why?" " It means you've just had a gay wedding." " They're here!" " No, I haven't." "Take it off!" " Bite it off!" " No, take it off." " No, bite it." "Hi." "Hiya." " Where's Alan?" " He fell asleep in the car." " I thought it best to leave him there." " That's what you do with babies." " Yeah!" "But at least he's back with us now, even if he hasn't actually made it into the house." " So if you fill your glasses, he'll wake up in a minute." "OK." "Hello." " Cheers!" "Alan, Alan!" "Alan!" "What are you doing?" " What did you lock me in for?" " You could have just opened..." "Hang on." "Let me take your seatbelt off." "Come on, out you get." " Loads of people." " Yeah, a few." "They're just here for you." " Why?" "Come on, let's get you in." "Right." "Here he is." "Hey!" " When you up for a fourball again?" " It's great to see you looking well." "All I did was hurt my wrist." "What's a fourball?" "Hello, you!" "You didn't even kiss me on the lips and I still get a hard on!" "I always have that effect on men." " Frontal lobe damage." " He's only winding you up." " Oh, course he is." "He's never made jokes like that." "Hey, you won't have to struggle much longer." "I'll be back next week." " It's a little bit quick to be thinking about that, darling." " I'm not a bloody malingerer!" "Dad, why are you shouting?" "Hey, hello you two." "Lovely to see you!" " You've already spoken to Ben and Maureen, love." " Have I?" " Yeah, yeah." "Temporal lobe damage - the hippocampus." " How much have you drunk?" " It's a party!" "So, what are you applying to do at uni, Dean?" "History." "Yeah, I was good at history." "Yeah, he can remember what he was good at remembering, except if it happened two seconds ago." "We'd better be heading off actually." " Slowly but surely, eh." " You take it easy, OK?" " I'm not a bloody malingerer!" " Alan!" "Sorry, Dad." " Hey, you're not going, are you?" " No, not yet darling, no." "I think I'm in there." "Well, play your cards right and you go home with me." " I can have the pair of you?" " No, I'm your wife, Alan." "Threesome!" "Hey, don't!" "Stop it!" "Come on." " Dad just touched Gwen's bum!" " Well, it is a nice one." "But Tricia needs your attention." "She's been in the wars, you know." " What about what he's been through?" " I thought he was through it." " How do you fancy Premiership Manager then?" " I know cheats!" "Won't do you good!" "Come on." " Can I play?" " No, there's three of us already." "It'd be crowded around the telly." "See you in a minute." "Party poopers." "Now, I've put them in order from left to right." "Are you taking the piss?" "Well, imagine what you'd have said if I'd written it down!" "What do you think I'll do?" "Forget to put my pants on?" "Well, you did yesterday." "I can't remember." "It's called sequencing." "No, I'm not having you sitting there watching me while I get dressed, like some little kid!" "Well, I'm not watching you." "I'll be putting my make-up on, won't I?" "No." "Right." "You show me yours... and I'll show you mine." "We used to watch each other take our clothes off." "Yeah, well, maybe we'll try that another day, hey?" " Dad!" " What?" " Mum said..." " Mum said what?" "that you shouldn't, um..." "What's wrong?" "Oh!" "Butter." "Knife." "Knife, knife." "Knife." "Knife." "Butter." "Fridge." "Fridge." "Oh, shit!" "Shit." "That's it." "Hmm..." "Shit!" "Right." "Knife." "Where's the fucking knife!" "?" "Hi." "Can I help?" "Erm..." "My husband is..." "But he... he's not..." "I'm sorry, really sorry." "What's happened?" " Toast!" " It could happen to anyone." " Urgent, was it, you being out?" "Hey!" "Why don't you mind your own business?" "Nosy bastards!" "Peeping toms!" "Curtain twits... teachers... twitchers!" "Especially you, Mrs..." "can't remember!" "We'll get you to ours, you can stay there till this is sorted." " No, Len, he stays here with me." " But it's a mess!" "It's all a mess, we've got to put it all back together." "Yeah." "It didn't really take hold, there's no structural damage." "I've ever set light to one so..." "I'm going home." "Come on, come on!" " How's he going to recuperate in a house full of smoke?" " Nothing's perfect." " Accidents happen." " You're telling me." "Come on, come on." "Let's go round the back." "I want to talk to you." "Come on, round the back." "I told you, don't let him near anything electrical or boiling water!" "How was I supposed to stop him?" "How to tell him he can't be trusted?" "He's always told me what to do." "I can't look after him." "Anyway, come September, I won't be here, will I?" " I'd forgotten about that." " Yeah, well, I haven't." " No, I bet you can't wait." " What's wrong with that?" "Yeah, well, what am I gonna do?" "I'm bloody left here, aren't I?" "Anyway, he might have really improved by then, he might be fine." "Oh, yeah... this came." "Oh, yeah, holiday tickets." "Shit." "Are you still going, then?" "Hit it!" "Hello, my son's going to be a student here." "Hi, my son's going to be a student here." " Dad, stop telling them that, will you, please?" " OK." "Hi, my name's Alan." "I got run over but I'm right as rain now." "Hi, my name's Alan." "I got run over but I'm right as rain now." "All right?" "My name's Alan, I got run over... but he's right as rain now." "He's just being sociable, all right?" "Look at the tits on her!" "Fuck me!" "I wish I was going to university!" " What did you bring him for?" " Well, I just wanted to get him out and about, get him stimulated." "Well, you've bloody done that, all right, but this is quite an important day, I could do without him..." " What, being brain damaged?" " You know what I mean." " If you wanna help, you're gonna have to be more accepting." " Hey!" "Why don't you and me take all our clothes off and watch Countdown?" "Stop it." "Just stop it." "Fine." "Right, go and see if you can make a better impression than your Dad, eh?" "Off you go." "Good luck!" "Apart from the course itself, what else attracts you about the university?" "Well, it's a long way from London." "What I mean is..." "I won't be running back to Mum and Dad all the time." "I'm looking forward to being independent, you know, being left to my own devices, you know, cutting the ties and that." "Mini make-overs for girls." "I work at the weekends as well so..." "I've put my number on the back there." "What are you doing, Mum?" "Whatever i can, darling." "Hang on a minute, finish this text to Dad." "Open it up, Dad." "It's always been beyond me, this texting." "Mum's sent the picture she took before she left." " A cup?" " Yeah, to remind you to have a drink." " And there's a prompt list there for making tea, all right?" " Yeah." "OK, you can leave me now." "Yeah, I've got to wait for Mum." " I don't need a babysitter!" " I don't want to be one either." "Put that there." " Where can you go?" " Erm..." "Why don't you put it next to the red one he just put in?" "Go on." "It's good rehab, this, eh?" " I'm going to miss a turn." " No, you can't do that, darling." "It's your go, Dad, it's your go." ""What do you think?" "Why don't you put it next to the red one he just put in?"" ""Go on..."" "Don't fucking rush me!" "It's not a fucking race, is it!" "?" "Why do you keep on at me?" "!" "You bastards sitting there watching me!" "Hey, calm down." "I said calm DOWN!" "I only said it was your go." "Don't answer me back, or I'll break your fucking neck!" "I'm your father!" "Yes, you are, so you don't speak to him like that!" "What the fucking hell are we playing this for anyway?" "!" "It's not fucking Christmas, is it?" "!" "Sitting round like one big fucking happy family, except you're all looking at me like I've done something wrong!" " And you're the fucking ringleader, you bitch!" " Dad, shut up!" " Get Joel out of here now, out, out!" "Aren't we playing any more?" " We're trying to help you with your sequencing and concentration!" " I don't need any fucking help!" "I'm not a basket case!" "And you're not running a fucking day centre!" " Leave her alone!" " Leave it!" " Don't talk to me like that." "I'm your father!" " Act like it, then!" "You can't, can you?" "!" "Not any more!" "Can we play again?" "I'll let you win." "Have i been a bad loser?" "Yeah!" "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, oh, fuck me!" "Let me help you." "Let's make it up, eh?" "I won't do it again, I won't..." "Don't cry, Dad." "All right." "All right." "Dean, Dean... please..." "Sorry!" "Alan, do you know why you got so angry this afternoon?" " Was someone cheating?" " What was going through your mind?" "!" "Everything that came out of my mouth." "Bed." "OK, what's that, then?" "Labia majora." "Good." "And... that?" " Mons pubis." " Good..." "OK, what is... that?" "Well, the muscle is called the rectus abdominis, but in your case it's just stretch marks." "Oi, you!" "That's very impressive, though." "When I was 14, 15 all I knew was where it went, but some of the older kids were... were talking about the frilly bits and, erm... it was really impressive." "And, you know, even in Escort they don't tell you the difference between one part and another, so I thought..." "I thought I'd better get myself down the library." "Oh, I bet the girls were grateful." "Well, the first girl I went with, erm..." "I wanted to... you know, I wanted to.." "to show her what I knew, and it was all going very well until I said..." "Oh, no!" "Why, what did you say?" " What?" " I said, "Are you secreting?"" " My God!" "That's what it described in the book!" "That's so disgusting!" " Secreting!" " She told her mates I was weird." "Well, I'm not surprised if you learnt foreplay down the library!" "Oi!" "I have slept with lots of books!" " Can I have chicken in my sandwich?" " Yeah, just wait there a sec." "And mayonnaise." " Just don't go out the room." "Wait a minute." " What's going on?" "I just want you to..." "listen to something a minute, OK?" "Now, I played you this when you were in the coma." "You remember this, don't you?" " Of course I do." " Hang on, hang on a minute." " Now, what does this song always make you do?" " Cry." "Yeah, cry." "Why?" "# You do something to me... #" " What's this all about?" "When this song came out and Dean was little, you left me." "You left me because you said you couldn't handle being a dad." "You couldn't handle the responsibility of looking after a family." "Do you remember that?" "So?" "Well, you went back to live with your mum and dad, for Christ's sake." "But it didn't last long, did it, because..." "Because of this sum..." "er, gong... song!" "Because of this song, that's right." "It made you realise how much you'd hurt me, how much we all meant to you." "It made you come back to me and your baby boy." "Now, look..." "Does this song..." "still mean anything to you?" "Paul Weller." "Do you feel anything at all?" "There's no need to get sentimental." "#..." "Dancing through the fire #" "# Just to catch a flame... #" "I just wanted to know, you know, what was left in there." "Can I have chicken in my sandwich?" "And mayonnaise?" "Trisha, how can I help you?" "When's he really coming home, Mr Lockwood?" "Cos I've just got someone who looks like him and that's all." "45,46,47,48,49,50!" "Coming ready or not!" "Look, Trisha, it's like, erm..." "a bomb went off in his brain." "Mess on the floor!" "Think of the brain like a..." "a really complex road network." "Think of all the traffic in it coming to a complete standstill." "Yaaah!" "And then there's some movement." "Drivers start to nudge their way forward, trying to find another way home, routes they've never tried before." "Yaaah!" "Yeah!" "Because all the main roads are blocked, they're closed." " Ha!" " Gotcha!" "Take him out!" "Take him out!" "Take him out!" "Take him out..." "A-ha!" "Whoo!" "Whaaa!" " Dad, Dad, stop, stop!" "What?" "And some may never re-open, some may, but it's gonna take a lot longer to get home and the journey will never be the same again." "But there was more to my husband than a fucking neural pathway." "I'm sorry, Trisha." "You might have saved his life but you haven't made it worth living." "I mean, the ventilators and the monitoring, it's all fantastic, but what's point of it?" "You take them home and all you see..." "is the death of everything." "Look, Tricia, I know he's different..." " He was my soul mate." " His soul is still in there." " Why?" "Because his brain stem's still functioning?" "He winces when you pinch him?" "Because he knows who Tony Blair is?" "You said loving him would make him better, you said rehab would make him better, but he can't get better because he doesn't know there's anything wrong with him!" "Because he doesn't remember the accident or the coma." "It's like he didn't experience it." "As far as he's concerned, nothing happened, so his brain is telling him there's nothing wrong with him." "When will he realise?" "How will he?" "Alan?" "Hey!" "Look, keeping myself busy, re-pointing walls." " So I don't climb them!" " Is this you asking to come back to work?" " Yeah!" "When?" " Alan..." "Well, I could ease you back in, something not too demanding..." " That's a bit quick!" " Tomorrow?" "Today!" "We'll go now, eh?" " Next week." " Ease me in?" " Why can't I just go back as project manager again?" " Why?" " Because that's what I belong doing." "Look, you, hard hat and visibility jacket, next week, on site." "Perfect!" "Right, just going to finish this re-pointing." "Busy, busy, busy, eh?" " Come and have a cup of tea." " Eh?" " Yeah." " See ya, mate!" "Why are you encouraging him like that?" " I made him go for a drink." " Well, you can't turn back the clock." "No, but I can do something, Trisha." " What's happened?" " You're not gonna get any compensation." " What, none?" " None at all." "The accident report says that driver was whiter than white." " Right." " Look, Alan wants to go back to work." "But now he needs to as well," " and we need to let him." " He'll still get sickness pay, won't he?" " Yeah, but not forever." " He's not ready, he's a long way from it." "How's he going to get better stuck at home all the time?" "Maybe this'll show him what he's capable of." "What if he's not capable of anything?" "Well, at last it's something, isn't it?" "You want it to work out, don't you?" "Yeah, I'd love that more than anything." "By the way, my A-levels start tomorrow." "Hi..." "Hi..." "All right?" "Bit of comedown." "Maintenance manager?" "Come on, mate, it's just to ease you back in." "a leaking shower, then I'm your man." "It's a buzzing extractor fan, actually." " Johnathan, I am grateful..." " It's the least I could do." "All right." "Are you going to fix it, or just listen to it?" "The fan's faulty, I'll get a spare, call the electrician out." "How long?" "We're giving our first dinner party tomorrow, and I don't want people saying:" ""What's that noise?"" "It is perfect, isn't it." "I made it." " I used to run this whole development." " I asked you how long it would take." "Look, can't you just go and get one on site?" "There must be half a dozen and then you can get a spare fan." "You have to order that." " Be here tomorrow." " Well, make sure you get an electrician lined up." "You should see my kitchen." "I set fire to it." "...by accident." " Just..." " What are you doing?" "For my records." "Hey." "All right?" "I can't see you being a foot soldier for long, Alan." " No, neither can I, mate, neither can I." " Good to see you back." "Listen, there's a woman over there got a problem with her with her thing, er her thing." "I should have written it down." "She's got a problem with... her... phone." " It is working but..." " She wants her phone point moved?" " Yeah." "BT, mate, I could do it, but I'd only get bollocked by Johnathan." "He runs this place like Camp Kommandant." "Sooner you're back, the better." " BT?" " It has to be." "Oh, here he is." "Hi!" " He looks happy, anyway." " Yeah." "It's all I've been thinking about." " Oh, I forgot to ask you how your exams are going." " Yeah." "I'm sorry, love, I'll see you in a minute." "Hi!" "Oh, hello, love!" "Where do you want these, er..." "phone points move to?" "I want that incompetent lunatic out of my house now, or I'm calling the bloody police!" "Look, I'm really sorry about all this..." "It's not good enough!" " I understand." " I made your house!" "I made this home!" "Why are you even employing him?" "!" "He's sick in the head!" "You came back too soon." "I can never come back at all..." "can I?" "I tried." "Trisha's on her way to collect you." "I could go full-time at the store." "And that party work I've been doing on the side, I could do more of that, couldn't I?" "You never know, it might take off." " Let me drive." " What?" " Let me drive." " What for?" "Let me drive!" "Let me drive!" "Let me drive!" "Stop it!" "Alan, Alan!" "Oh, and could you pick Joel up from school?" "I've got a party after work." " Course." " Now prompt list for breakfast is simple, but lunch is more ambitious unless he wants a sandwich." " Well, we can make lunch." " No, Shirley, it's better if he does it on his own." "Right, let's get you off to school, son." "Don't you think it's a bit overboard?" "Things to do today are shopping and a trip to the post office and Dean'll be back at 3:30." "He'll probably still be in bed." " Look, you go down to the post office for him." " I heard that." "Bye, then." "I used to have a full-time job." "Now I've become one." "I'll text you later." "To remind me to brush my teeth(?" ")" "You will get up, won't you?" "I've got a trip to the post office can't miss that(!" ")" "Go get 'em, tiger!" "Thanks very much." "OK..." "OK, what do you think of that?" "What I've done is I've made it quite subtle." "I use all of their products myself, actually." "I use the light-reflecting foundation and the concealer for your under-eyes." "OK, thank you." "Did you look in the mirror lately?" "What you saying?" "She had one look at me and took fright?" "You look like shit - exhausted." "Your make-up won't hide that." "Yeah, well, fuck you!" "You try being a mum, a dad, a children's entertainer and a bloody carer!" "You give him a reason to get up and go and do the shopping and then put up with his mum!" "You don't have to look after anyone else but yourself." "Shit!" "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry..." "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." "You can't keep doing this to yourself, you know." "It's not just me now - it's the building society as well." "What are you talking about?" "I can't keep up the payments on the house, so I'm going to have to sell it and get somewhere cheaper." "Christ almighty." "But... it's OK, it'll be OK." "Dean's got to go to university anyway, hasn't he?" "So it doesn't matter if we live somewhere smaller, I can still make it work." "What are you looking for?" "What's gone wrong?" "Oh!" "I am so sorry I'm late." "They never have enough check-outs open, do they?" "And this woman started paying with money-off coupons." "No worries." "I rocked up early anyway.." " Gavin." " Oh, are you Australian?" " No." " Right, OK, come in." "Mum, this ain't a good time." "Right, where shall we begin the beguine?" " The hallway we're standing in?" " Yep." "No worries." " Why are you selling?" "The buyers like to know." " We're just looking for somewhere smaller" "Excuse me, mate, the living room's in a bit of a mess at the moment." "Oh, I get it, while mum's away, the PlayStation's the order of the day, right?" "Not to mention the crisp packets, cans of Coke and bits of left-over pizza, right?" "No worries, mate, the particulars won't say whether it's tidy or not." "Right!" "Let the dog see the rabbit." ""Go on, Dean, you do one."" ""I hate traffic jams."" ""All right, all right, who's this?"" """ " Mum in the morning?" " Oi, stop it, you!"" """ " I know it, American Werewolf in London." " Yes, very good."" "It's only a number one." "Let me show you upstairs." "It's nice size room." "It's nicely decorated too." "I will need to measure up in there, you know." "You think this is all about what's happened to you..." "Well, what's happened to me, Alan?" "Hmm?" "I used to have a partner." "I used to BE a partner." "Now I'm just your carer." "I wouldn't mind if I could recognise who I'm caring for but I can't." "I don't even know you any more." "I wish that truck had been going faster." "I would have stood a better chance of dying, eh?" "Well, I feel like a fucking widow anyway!" "I hate this life." "I fucking hate it!" "You're not a husband any more!" "You're not a dad any more!" "I'm supposed to be someone you love!" "And all I am is someone who looks after you, that's not enough for me!" "I want two children, not three!" " Where are you going, Mum?" " I've got to get out for a minute." "I've just got to get away from him." "Oh, great..." "It's OK for you." "You're swanning off to university, you're getting the fuck out of it!" "Well, I need to get the fuck out of it for a minute, OK?" "That bloke in my house, the man who lives there... it's not him." "People change." "People fall out of love all the time." " But this is all because of an accident." " Doesn't matter." " You've still got to learn to live without him." " What time is it?" "Joel's got games tomorrow." "I've got to wash his PE kit." " Did you hear me?" " I'll ring you to let you know I got back OK." " Trisha?" " Thanks, Gwen." "Thank you." "You can't face going back there, can you?" "I can't face seeing him." "I can't face how much I miss him." "I miss him!" "I miss him!" "I miss him!" "And he's still there!" "You're on your own now!" "And if you don't start acting like it, you're going to disappear out of sight!" "You said you feel like a widow, well do you want to feel worse than a widow?" " No." " Then start living again, Trisha!" "There you are." "It's good for what ails you." " Cheers." " Cheers." "Dad?" "Dad, are you all right?" "Have you taken your anti-depressants?" " Can I give this to Dad?" " You'll have to put it under the door." "I've just come out of a long-term relationship actually." "My husband's left me." "Well, he's still at home but he's gone if you know what I mean." "Do you know what I mean?" "For someone who can't take their eyes off me." "And someone who thinks that I'm really funny." "Yeah, by then..." "Commitment-phobe!" "What are you like, eh?" "!" "Tonight, Cilla, I am a woman in a bar!" "I'm fun, you know I'm really fun." "Can I ask you a question?" "If I get to know you, I mean really, really get to know you... you wouldn't turn into someone else, would you?" "I've got two kids at home and my husband's got brain damage." "Well, he says he's my husband but he's actually a complete impostor who can't make a cup of tea without a fire extinguisher at the ready, who asked my son's teacher if she liked anal," "who cries every time he looks at a jigsaw puzzle and who forgets to wash himself if you don't text him." "He doesn't love me because, you see, because his frontal lobe and his limbic system, they won't let him." "We've got no money, he is on anti-depressants and I'm self-medicating." "So... how about it?" "You wanna give it a go?" "I'll show you a good time if you show me one, eh?" "Cos I bloody need one!" "I think I made quite an impression on that one." " I think it's time you went home." " No!" "No!" "No!" "No!" " He's still not answering." " Right." " Can you overdose an anti-depressants?" " Is that what you're thinking?" " Thinking all sorts to be honest." " Alan?" "Alan?" "Should we call the police?" "Did you think I was gonna top myself?" "Too much trouble." "You know, you don't have to use your brain at all if you just lie still." "Some creature lives on the bottom of the sea floor doesn't move around at all." "The only action it makes... is to open its mouth every now and again to let some food in." "Don't need many brain cells for that." "But you're thinking though." "(Yeah.)" "What about?" "His mum." "I'm trying to make my mind go blank." "Then I'll have had a right result." "I heard thunder." "(It's all right.)" "It's OK." "It's all right, mate." "It's gone now." "Come on." " Did Dad like my picture?" " Yeah." "Yeah." "He loved it." "Come on, let's go to bed." "I'm Trisha." " I'm Trisha." " What?" " Who are you?" "You pulled through a coma." "Just like everyone said you would cos you were a fighter." "So what's happened to you?" "The coma was the easy part." "And look at ya." "It's like you've gone back to sleep again." "Wake up for fuck's sake, Al!" "I..." "I've spent the last few years of my life trying to be like you and now I can't even feel sorry for ya." "I just think you're pathetic!" "Sounds about right" "How can you just lay there like that?" "How can you let your kids see you like that?" "!" "I can't believe this is happening." "This is worse than seeing you get run over." "I'm not just lying here because I've got a useless brain." "You see, who you are is how other people see you." "What are they seeing?" "What does Tricia see, Al?" "Not Alan." "Ta." " Did you...?" " No." "Home alone." "New thing for you, eh?" "(it's not like me.)" "(Not like me.)" "Where's Mum?" " She didn't come home." " What do you mean?" " She didn't come home." "That's what I mean." " Where's she gone?" "I don't know, Joel!" "Maybe something's happened to her?" "That's her!" "That's her!" "Oh." "Good morning to you, too(!" ")" "What's wrong?" "She'll be back later." "Not necessarily." "Course she will..." "With her tail between her legs." "She'll be here when I get back from school, won't she?" "Joel thinks you'll be home later." "I don't know." "What do you mean you dunno?" "You're being as selfish as Dad!" "Look, me and your dad were wrapped up in each other." " That's who we were." "So..." "So you're starting all over again, are you?" "What - brand new you?" "Well, something's got to be different." "Something got to be new anyway." "Not at my expense." "We will work something out." "But not here we can't." "It ain't complicated." "Joel just wants his mum back." "Hey!" "Oh, hello baby!" " I missed you." " I missed you too, honey." " Oh, look it's the prodigal daughter in law." " You selfish cow!" " Always thought I was flaky, didn't you, Shirley?" "Never thought I was good enough for your Alan." "Well, you were right, weren't you?" "Things get a bit sticky and off you go." "I mean he nearly died." "How could you be so cruel?" "Nearly died?" " Well, you're back now anyway." " I can't do it any more!" "I haven't come back to him." "I wanna move on with the kids." "What do you mean?" "You want to get rid of him?" "And your marriage vows?" "What about in sickness and in health?" "I don't feel married any more." " You just don't know how to look after him when he needs you." " He doesn't need me, Shirley." "He just needs someone." "Anyone." "Then he needs his mum." "I've always loved him." "Always will." "Not like you, obviously!" "He can come and live with us." "I'll make life easy on him, I won't make any demands on him and I won't judge him." "Be like old times, boy." "Hang on." " I don't know, Mum." " Yeah, that sounds good to me." "I mean we've got to put the house on the market anyway and we'll need somewhere smaller." "We'd have to keep him on a tight rein." "Couldn't have him just going out whenever he felt like it." " Well, one of us will always be with him." " That'll be you then, I can't." "I want to stay." "I want to stay!" "She doesn't want you." " Don't write him off, Mum." " Why not?" "You did!" "I've done my best!" "I'll do mine!" ""Deep breaths, relax your shoulders, let your head fall forward."" ""Now, repeat the three Cs."" "Calm." "Stay calm." "Challenge." "This is a real challenge." "Good." "Contrast." " Aargh!" "Contract." " Contro..." " Control." " That's right." " I'm in control." " Good?" " Good." "Oh, well done, darling!" "You got your grades!" "You are going in!" "Yep." "Should be the best day of my life." "I should be down the pub with all the others celebrating." "But I can't..." "Because it don't mean a thing, Mum!" "What are you talking about?" "How can I go anywhere with things the way that they are?" "There is nothing you can do about the way things are." "Hi, Alan." "I'm Duncan." "Duncan?" "Dunkin Donuts, Duncan Donuts." "That's how I'll remember it." " And you look a bit of a doughnut so that's quite good." " Well, that should work a treat." "Please, help yourself." "Have a look round." "Am I like them?" "Yeah." "Some of them are doing collages." "Can you do a collage?" " No." " Come on." "Let's go look round." " Thanks." " Thank you." "I'll be in touch with the estate agent." " OK, then." "See ya." " All right, bye." "Needs a new bathroom." " Brown tiles for fuck's sake!" " The toilet was pretty brown an' all." " Oh, don't." " Did they have enough air freshener in there or what?" "Good size for the money though, innit?" "Yeah, definitely." "So shall we, er..." "make an offer then?" " I'm sorry." " No, no don't be silly." "I mean, you've become like part of the family." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." " It's OK." " Sorry." "It's OK." "I was pretending you were Alan." "Right." "You can carry on if you like." "Come here." "I want what me and him had before." "I want it back." "I want it back." "It's never coming back." " You've gotta love who he is now." " How can I?" "I've got to see the old Alan in there somewhere." "You're never going to get all of him again." "Settle for less." "Your brain's got to change too, Trish, yeah?" " Potatoes, potatoes, potatoes, potatoes..." " Look at your list." " 50 minutes in the oven." " Go on then." "Yep." "Ten past six now so..." "Same time as the chicken." "Seven o'clock." "OK." " Cut up." " Hi." "Hi." "Collywobbles..." "Sunflowers..." "Cauliflowers..." "Cut up the cauliflowers." "What are you videoing it for?" " To prove you did it." " I haven't done it yet!" "All right, Alan, calm down." "Is it ready yet?" "I'm starving." " Oh, for fu...!" " Eh, Dad!" "Anger." "OK." "OK." " What do we do?" " OK, OK, deep breaths." " I'm dropping my shoulders." " Good." "I'm relaxing my neck." " I'm letting my head fall." " Well done." "Three Cs." "OK, calm." "Stay calm." "Challenge." "This is a challenge." " Control." "I'm in control." " Well done." "OK." "Cut up cauliflowers." "I don't know why I'm doing this." "I couldn't make a dinner before the fucking accident!" "After the accident, everything had changed." "I'd changed." "But my brain hadn't told me." "What is it telling you now?" "That sometimes I'm as old as you and sometimes I'm as old as me." "But every day I get bigger and bigger, don't I?" "Yes, you do." "Good idea, eh?" "Do you want to get in?" "Yeah." "There you go." "Thanks." "I'm doing well, aren't I?" "Yeah." "Yeah, you are." "The new me's not so bad after all, eh?" "Oh, Alan – woah!" "Hang..." "All right." "My short-term memory isn't a complete wipe out, you know?" " There's some things that I can't forget." " Like what?" "Like when you told me I wasn't a husband any more." "But if you won't trust me and you don't fancy me I'm never going to be, am I?" "I can't come back if you won't fucking let me!" "Alan, we can still live together..." "What like..." "like a brother and sister?" "Isn't that better than nothing?" "At least he feels he can go now, eh?" " All set?" " All set." "Mind your head, darling." " I'm going in now, Dad." " I'm coming!" "I'm coming!" "Hang on!" "Hang on!" " Hang on." "Hang on." "Let me help." "Let me take your bags." " It's OK, honestly..." "No, no!" "Make myself useful." "Make myself useful, eh?" "Here!" "Make myself useful." "No, no, no, definitely." "Definitely." "Here, look, yeah, give me that." " OK, you've got your extra cornflakes under the bed." " OK, Mum." " And there's biscuits in the Quicksilver bag." " Time to go, Mum." "What time will you be going to bed at night?" " Why don't I just pop along the corridor and make a cup of tea?" " Er, no." " No?" " Bye, son." "Bye, Dad." "Oh, my little boy!" "Joel's your little boy, Mum." "OK, ok, we're going." "Come on." "Bye, matey." "Come here." "Take care, all right." " I will, love you." " Love you too." " Have a good time." " Thank you." " Just one more thing..." " Oh, for Christ's sake..." "Long-term memory, OK?" "When you were three you had this, um big... juicy... fruit... orange... orange car that you..." "that you sat in and pushed with your feet." "Only you never did it yourself," "Cos you always got me to push you everywhere." "And Mum used to get upset with you for being lazy, but I could make you go fast, I could give you a nice ride." "Thing is right, now," "I know I can't do anything for you that's even that simple any more." "Half the time I'm gonna be the boy in the orange car, but..." "I'm so proud of what you can do now, and what you've done." "And a couple of months ago, I was jealous of your future cos I haven't got one to speak of, but my life now is going to be what happens to you." "And you." "Before, I thought that I was the main event and the breadwinner and the go-getter but... now I'm happy just watching you." "So good luck, son." "Have I been to the toilet yet?" "Don't get chlamydia?" " What are you looking at?" " Bye." "# Throws me back again #" "# Hanging on a wire #" "# I'm waiting for the change #" "# The best thing... #" "We get back together before, didn't we." "With this." "This song worked before, yeah." "I don't want another mother." "I don't want you acting like you're my sister." "I want..." "I want..." "I want your lips, not your cheeks, d'you know what I'm saying?" "So I'm gonna to pin the lyrics on the fridge," "I'm gonna look at them every day, and I'm gonna learn them off by heart." "Come and dance with me." "#..." "Said I'm waiting for the change... #" "Hey." "Hey?" "Why are you crying?" "#..." "You do something to me... #" "What if I can't make you happy any more?" "#..." "Somewhere deep inside... #" "What if I can't come back?" "#..." "Hoping to get close to you... #" "Well, I'll just take what you've got." "Today... and tomorrow." "I'll just take what I can see." "OK." "It's OK." "# You do something to me #" "# Something deep inside... #" " What d'you think?" " It's much smaller than our other house." " I know." " Garden's tiny." "Area's not as nice either." " I know." " Make do though, eh?" "Make do." "If I get lost on the way back from the shops, I can show people this picture." "Come on." " What's your new address, Dad?" " Number four..." "Number four, Cumb..." " Number four Cumberland..." " Avenue." "Number four Cumberland Avenue." " Postcode?" " Little bastard!" "# The peace I cannot find #" "# Dancing through the fire, yeah #" "# Just to catch your flame #" "# Just to get close to #" "# Just close enough to tell you that #" "Transcript from youtube version:" "AnjaU2"