"Oh, Charlie." "I would have given anything to be like you." "Even for a day." " I'm Melanie." " Nice to meet you, Melanie." "I'm..." "Charlie." "Charlie Harper." " Whoa, look who's getting busy." " Hey." "He's acting like my Uncle Charlie." "He's even dressing like my Uncle Charlie." "People are really worried about you." "The reason people are worried is because they can't wrap their heads around how cool I am." "I'm fine." " What's your name?" " Charlie Harper." "You're not fine." "I've got a great idea." "You and me, Vegas." "Ha, ha." " This doesn't look like the Bellagio." " It's the, uh, back entrance." "Hello, Mr. Harper." "If you could just come with us." "Uh, don't forget my bags." "We'll be going to the presidential suite?" "Oh, yes, sir." "Uh, I'm gonna need a bucket of ice a bottle of scotch and two Asian hookers." "Yes." "Thanks." "Winning." "Here you go, Mr. Harper." "Now, that you're leaving us you can have your belt and shoelaces back." "Oh." "Thank you." "There was never any possibility I was gonna hurt myself." "It only takes one whack job hanging from the shower curtain to ruin it for everybody." "I suppose." "I guess I did lose it for a little while there." "Lose it?" "We had a pool on how long it would take to get you toilet-trained again." " Really?" " Cost me 50 bucks." "And a pair of nice white shoes." "Sorry." "I tend to leak under pressure." "So you think you're ready to go back out into the world?" "Yeah." "Yeah, I do." "I've learned a lot about myself in the last month and I now have the tools to deal with life on life's terms." "A lot of people say that, but you'd be surprised how another couple of weeks of treatment can make all the difference in the world." "You have another pool, don't you?" "Nothing personal." "Just trying to get even." " Sorry I couldn't be more help." " That's okay." "I've got a hundred says you'll be back before Christmas." "Thanks for your support." "You really wanna thank me, stop taking your medication." "Or double up." "Either way, I'll have a happy holiday." "Hope you weren't planning on leaving before you give your old buddy Gary a hug." "Of course not." "I love you." " Thanks for picking me up." " No problem." "So you're not crazy anymore?" "I was never actually crazy." "Then why were you in the nuthouse?" "It's not a nuthouse, it's a stress clinic." " What's the difference?" " About $2500 a week." "The good news is that I got a lot out of it." "I mean, I am ready to deal with whatever life throws at me." "Full speed ahead." "Good." "I've got something I wanna talk to you about." "Anything." "Dad's here for you, pal." "Cool." "So remember Megan?" "Yeah, that was your little girlfriend." "Uh, she seems like a great gal." "Well, I'm glad you like her because she's kind of pregnant." "Kind of?" "She's not showing yet." "She's still in her first semester." "Oh, my God." "How did this happen?" "I mean, what about our talks about, uh, sexual responsibility and using protection?" "I can explain that." " Go ahead." " I was drunk." "Okay." "Okay." "I have the tools." "And how do you propose to take care of this child?" "We got that figured out." "We're gonna quit school and get jobs." "Okay, stop right there." " What jobs?" " Advertising." "We're gonna teach the baby to talk and put him in E-Trade commercials." "You're joking." "No." "We figure the baby they got is probably getting pretty old." "What does your mother think?" " She doesn't know." " What?" " I was hoping you'd tell her." " Why do I have to tell her?" "Because she already hates you and she scares the crap out of me." "Hey, there he is." "Welcome home, buddy." "Thank you." "I'm glad to be here." " Yeah." "How you feeling?" " Fine." "Why are you whispering?" "I don't wanna startle you." "Walden, I'm okay." "Yeah, sure you are." "Hey, Walden, guess what." "I'm gonna be a dad." "Really?" "Wow." "How you feel about that, Grandpa?" "Well, it's, uh, not something I would have chosen for him at this stage of his life, but he will continue to have my love and support." "If it's a boy, we're gonna name him Frodo." "You're not making it easy for me, pal." "You should have used a condom." "Or you should have." "Hey, look who's back from the loony bin." "It wasn't a loony bin, it's a stress clinic." "Did they let you keep your belt?" " Uh, well..." " Loony bin." " There's your mail." " Thank you." "Hey, Berta, I'm gonna be a dad." " What's funny?" " From where you're standing, nothing." " Did you tell him your news?" " It'll keep." " Hey, open your mail." " Okay." "Let's see, uh..." "Bill, bill, jury duty." "Ha, ha." "Bill." "Oh." "Oh, here we go." "My refund from the IRS." " Ooh." " Phew." "Ha, ha." "Just in time what with all these bills." "Might wanna set some of that aside for Frodo's headshots." "Huh." "It's not a refund at all." "I'm being audited." " What's so funny?" " From where you're standing, nothing." "I guess you're wondering why I asked you guys to come over." "We understand, Alan." "Mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of." "I'm not mentally ill." "It was a stress clinic." "Did the door lock from the inside or the outside?" "Uh..." "Uh, well, the..." "The..." "Nevertheless, the reason I called a family meeting is because, uh, Jake and Megan have some news." "Oh, my God." "She's pregnant." "Well, that was easy." "Who wants cake?" "How could you do this?" " She made me." " What?" "Oh, come on." "Between the two of us, who was a virgin?" "Okay, okay." "What's done is done." "But if we can come together as a family we can deal with this." "Your father's right." "Let's just calm down and talk it through." "Is it just me, or does Herb and Judith's kid look a lot like Alan?" "Well, you know, there is a slight resemblance." " How could you be so irresponsible?" " What the hell is wrong with you?" "What were you thinking?" "Did we raise you not to know any better than this?" "When are you gonna tell him your news?" "Ah, I don't wanna make things worse." "See, that's the big difference between you and me." " Hey." " Hey." "How'd your audit go?" "It wasn't so much an audit as a brutal prison rape with a number two pencil." "I'm confused." "Did you like it or not?" "They say I owe them $80,000." "So not." "But the good news is, if they take everything I own, they'll only get four." " Four thousand?" " Four dollars." "But I'm not worried." "Because I have the tools to cope with whatever life throws at me." "No, you don't." "Alan?" "Oh, Lyndsey." "Sweetheart, are you a sight for sore eyes." "Yeah, it's good to see you too." "Oh." "Alan, you're home." "Hey, Walden, I think now's the time to tell him." "Tell me what?" "GROANS]" "What's so funny?" "From where I'm standing, everything." "I'm sorry you had to find out this way." "Really?" "Really?" "How would you have liked me to hear about it?" "Twitter?" "Facebook?" "A singing telegram?" "Ta-ra-ra boom-dee-ay I banged your girl today" "Because I'm a billionaire I still have all my hair" "I understand you're upset." "You have to see this from our viewpoint." " What's your viewpoint?" " The sex is awesome." "It really is." "He's the best I've ever had." " No, you're the best I've ever had." " You're the best." " No, you." " No, you." "Stop it!" "Stop it!" "How did this happen?" "It was actually kind of a meet-cute." "Lyndsey came here to see where you were and I told her where you were, and then she started to cry and bippity-boppity-boo, we're having sex." "Bippity-boppity-boo?" "How do you go from crying to sex?" "With him, it was always the other way around." "Okay, okay, and what was the cute part?" " Look at him." " No, look at you." " No, you." " Hey!" "Hey!" "I'm still here!" "How could you do this?" "How could you have an affair while I'm locked up in the booby hatch?" " I thought it was a stress clinic." " Everybody knows what it was!" "I lost my freaking mind!" "But luckily, now I'm better so I have the tools to cope with whatever life throws at me!" "That's great, because there's one more thing." "Oh, super!" "Let me have it." " You need to move out." " What?" "Lt'd be creepy if you're downstairs listening while we're having sex." " Lyndsey doesn't make any noise." " I do now." "Fine." "Fine." "Let me just get my things." "Not necessary." "We packed your stuff." "It's all in a storage bin out by the airport." "But don't worry, I took care of the first month's rent." " Here's the key." " Why, thank you." "You know, I hope someday, we can look back at this as friends and just laugh." "Someday?" "Why wait?" "Let's laugh now." "Okay, I'll go." "That's it!" "I am done being a doormat." "I'll show them." "I will show them all." "They won't have Alan Harper to kick around anymore." "And they will be sorry." "Apologies will be made, tears will be wept but it's all gonna be too late because I am out of here." "Sleeping the big sleep, the old dirt nap." "Adios, muchachos, it's the last roundup." "God, check, please." "Perfect." "Hi!" "Hi, Mom, it's me!" "I need a place to stay." "Walden kicked me out and my car blew up  and I had to hitchhike over here." "So sorry, Missy Evelyn no home." "Missy Evelyn?" "Come on, Mom!" "What are you doing?" "Let me in!" "I'm soaking wet  and I had to give a truck driver a happy ending just to get here!" "Go away!" "I call police!" "What kind of accent is that supposed to be?" "Hello?" "Police?" "Crazy man outside." " You come quick!" " Fine, fine!" "I'm leaving!" "Thanks a lot!" "Lots of luck!" "Unbelievable." "Blindsided by my son reamed by the IRS rejected by my lover betrayed by my friend molested by a truck driver cast out by my mother and rained on by God." "And this isn't even the worst week of my life." "Oh, come on." "Might as well make myself comfortable." "Nowhere to go from here." "End of the line." "Rock bottom." "Can a man sink any lower?" "Asked and answered." "Pardon me." "Do you happen to have a flashlight?" "Uh, what?" "The light in my storage unit isn't working." "I need a flashlight." "Oh, uh, yeah, sure." "Um..." "Hang on." "Uh..." " Oh, here you go." " Thank you." " My fur coats all feel alike in the dark." " Lot of things feel alike in the dark." "Oh, you rascal." " Uh, I'm Alan Harper." " Veronica Hastings." " Come here often?" " No, but the night is young." " Ooh." "Innuendo?" " Not usually." "But if you play your cards right..." "Listen, Alan Harper, I keep some nice wines in my storage unit." " Can I interest you in a glass?" " I would like that very much." "Don't go away." "There is no chance of that happening." "You had a plan all along, didn't you, God?" " Alan?" " Yes, Lord?" " Over here." " Oh!" "Oh, Herb." " What are you doing here?" " I called Walden." "He told me this is where I might find you." "Oh, well, I, uh, appreciate you stopping by but, uh, I'm not really set up for entertaining yet." "I didn't just stop by." "I have some news for you." "Really?" "Good news?" "I had a DNA test done on my daughter Millie." "Oh?" " Turns out she's your daughter." " Bad news." " And it's about to get worse." " Oh, come on." " Goodbye, Alan." " Oh, no, Herb, please, please!" "I'm about to get laid by Jessica Rabbit!" "No, Herb, no!" "Oh, thank God I'm still in the loony bin." "It's a stress clinic." " Thanks for picking me up." " No problem." "I'm surprised Walden let you take his car." "I know, right?" "With my driving record?" "I'm really glad you're feeling better." "You had me worried." "I'm sorry." "Didn't mean to." " But, uh, everything's fine now." " Good." "Hey, is it too soon to talk to you about something important?" "You can talk to me about anything." "I have the tools to cope." " Cool." "Remember Megan?" " Oh, God." "Well, we've been going out for a while now." "All of a sudden, she wants to see other people but I wanna keep it, you know, monotonous." "That's it?" "She's not pregnant?" "No, of course not." "I've been stuck at third base for months." " That's a relief." " For you, maybe." "I was just wondering if you had advice on how to keep a woman from leaving you." "So how was the food in there?" "It feels strange to be back here." "To warn you, things are different than you remember them." " What do you mean?" " I promised Walden I wouldn't tell you." " Bye." " Where you going?" "Gonna take Walden's car to Megan's." "See if it helps me slide into home." " Wear protection!" " I'm wearing it now!" "Whoa." "Hey, buddy." "How you doing?" "I'm okay." "Good, good, I'm glad." "You don't have to talk to me like a crazy person." "Oh, crazy people don't talk like this." "Regular people talk like this when they're talking to crazy people." "Fine." "Whatever." "I, uh, see you finished redecorating." "Yeah." "What do you think?" " Pff, it looks fantastic." " Uh-huh." "Oh, hey, check this out." "Computer, lights off." "Computer, music on." "That's awesome." "Yeah, it's the home of tomorrow." "Except it's today." "Computer, music off." "Okay, let me try." "Uh, computer, lights on." "Oh, no, that won't work." "It's keyed to my voice." "Oh, then how do I turn the lights on and off?" "You can't." "Hey, let me show you the kitchen." "Boy, sure hope I can flush the toilet." "Ta-da." ""Ta-da" indeed." "Oh, hey, check this out." "I connected the refrigerator to the Internet." "Ice." "Wait for it." " Is that cool or what?" " And if I want ice?" "You just call me and then I'll call the refrigerator." "Oh." "Oh." "Check this out." "Computer, television on." " Wow." " Yeah." "What is it about a giant TV?" "Right?" "I mean, just looking at it gives me a chubby." " Welcome home, buddy." " Oh, thanks, Walden." "But you and I both know this is not my home." " Sure it is." " No, let me finish." "I had a lot of time to think while I was away." "At least after I came off the Thorazine." "And I realized that it's one thing to live off my brother but he's gone and now his stuff's gone too." "I really don't belong here anymore." " So you're moving out?" " Oh, no, no." "God, no." "I mean, look at the size of this thing." "I just want you to know that I'm aware of the absurdity of our situation." "Bring it in." "Computer, music on." "And I" "And let me know if you need ice." "Will always love you" "I will always love you"