"CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You." "I'm Frankie Boyle." "In the news this week - at an earth-shattering press conference, the Queen and Prince Philip reveal that David Icke was right all along." "After Beyonce gets a flat tyre, the bloke at the garage tries a little too hard to impress her." "And at the BBC, news reaches the dressing room that Piers Morgan has pulled out of Question Time." "On Ian's team tonight is a trenchant journalist and author who's been compared to Katie Hopkins, although, unlike Katie Hopkins, she still has a reflection." "Please welcome talkRADIO's Julia Hartley-Brewer." "APPLAUSE" "And with Paul tonight is the writer and star of BBC sitcom Citizen Khan." "He's never a shared a stage with extremists - until tonight." "Please welcome Adil Ray." "APPLAUSE" "And we start with the bigger stories of the week." "Paul and Adil, take a look at this." "Ah, yes, this is the new Mayor of London, Sadiq Khan, and there's Jeremy Corbyn, probably on his way to vote and...do it again, would you?" "Thank you." "That's the...not going around in circles and that's the sort of thing you need to do when you want to get your picture in the paper." "So, yes, lots of people getting out and voting." "Yeah." "This is the various elections we've had - this is the election of Sadiq Khan as London mayor and the massive resurgence of the Tories in Scotland that put them into quite a poor second." "Uh..." "Did you follow the London mayor debate?" "I did, yes, followed it with great delight." "But on behalf of all Muslims..." "That's what I do - as a Muslim, we talk on behalf of all of us." "And there is 1.6 billion of us and I've spoken to them all before we came on tonight." "We're not very happy because he's not a proper Muslim." "No beard." "In fact, you'd be a better Muslim than Sadiq Khan, I think." "I'm in." "If you're wondering where my beard is, they wouldn't let me through security with it." "JULIA:" "The problem with Sadiq Khan is we don't know enough about him." "We don't know about his background." "I mean, what did his father do for a living?" "Nothing." "Nothing." "There was quite a sad moment where Paul Golding, who is the head of Britain First, he turned his back on Sadiq Khan during his acceptance speech." "I thought it'd be good if he'd accidentally turned to face Mecca." "That's quite possibly what's happening, yeah." "He went, on the first day, straight to a Holocaust memorial service, didn't he?" "Yes, that was..." "That was convenient, wasn't it?" "Yeah." "And good." "He also spent the entire first day not meeting Jeremy Corbyn, and the second day, and the third day - there wasn't actually a meeting until Monday evening." "Doesn't want to share a platform with extremists any more." "I interviewed Sadiq Khan, actually, on my talkRADIO show - thought I'd get that in..." "TalkRadio show?" "TalkRadio show, yes." "I interviewed all the candidates and I said to him," ""Would a victory for Sadiq Khan for the London Mayor" ""be a victory for Jeremy Corbyn's leadership of the Labour Party?"" "and Sadiq Khan said, "Is that the time?"" "ADIL:" "What, was it prayer time, was it?" "Get used to that - get used to that." "Sadiq Khan can walk out of any interview, any time." ""Sorry, prayer time." Good on you, Sadiq." "The Conservative candidate, Zac Goldsmith, was thought by many to have run a divisive campaign, but what happened to Lynton Crosby, the man who ran his campaign, this week?" "He got knighted." "He was knighted - perhaps to put his Islamophobic campaign into the context of the Crusades." "I must say at this point that Sadiq did have to apologise during the campaign for calling moderate Muslims "Uncle Toms" a couple of years ago." "I just...you know, this is balance, and I don't want Whippingdale" " Whittingdale... ..making a fuss about it." "I just..." "I just throw that in." "You know, there is...is..." "There are things to say on both sides." "What camping metaphor did Sadiq Khan use to describe Labour's future?" ""We have to appeal to people outside of our own tents."" "Yeah, that's almost exactly it, he said... ..to which Jeremy Corbyn quickly responded..." "It's just that everybody else is outside pissing into it." "What are they saying?" "They want us all to go to go camping with them?" "Because I ain't sharing a tent with Diane Abbott." "I don't know about you." "Hasn't bothered me in the past." "Can you tell what's going on here?" "Is it the man on the right, as we look, is incredibly strong, and he's lifting up all the others?" "Are these Scottish Tories?" "I can see some ginger hair." "No offence." "Is that the first time anyone's said "no offence" to Frankie Boyle?" "None taken." "These are some new members of the Scottish Parliament." "This is Edward Mountain, MSP for Highlands and Islands." "What special skill does he have that involves a cow?" "I do actually know this one." "He is...he is qualified to artificially inseminate cows." "How do you know that?" "Correct answer." "Next up, we've got Lib Dem MSP Willie Rennie." "He's been a runner-up in the Scottish Championships for carrying what?" "A grudge." "That's a hotly-contested field." "He was runner-up in the 2006 Scottish Coal Carrying Championships." "Ah - one way of keeping warm without burning it." "In Scotland, there was a strong SNP vote from the Scottish people who hate Britain, a big Tory vote from the Scottish people who hate Scottish people, and a small Labour vote from the Scottish people who hate themselves." "No-one can call the BBC biased tonight(!" ")" "Jeremy Corbyn didn't do well in Scotland because people in Scotland don't trust anyone who looks old but still has teeth." "Ian and Julia, take a look at this." "Oh, free pasties for everyone." "Sorry, missed that." "Cheers, yes - they don't like it up 'em." "And we're all going to die in World War III." "That's brilliant - nice, cheery news from the EU Referendum campaign(!" ")" "This stage in the campaign, you've got to up it, so you've basically got to tell people it's death and bubonic plague." "And that's what'll happen if you leave." "The thing I find strange is how much war has got involved with this, because we had Boris Johnson singing Ode To Joy in German this week." "We've had Ken Livingstone, who's got, like, Hitler Tourette's, he keeps mentioning it, and we've got Cameron talking about World War III." "I just don't know what's gone wrong in the last week." "This is day one, war and genocide, surely it's just going to end with Cameron screaming "Ebola"" "through a rolled-up newspaper." "No, you would think that, you know, if he really believed that as soon as we leave the EU there'll be a world war..." "Just don't have the referendum, then." "He did say just a few months ago that he was considering..." "He didn't know which way he was going to go, depending on the reforms he got." "Now he's saying "catastrophic", "death and destruction"." "Are you suggesting he's...exaggerating?" "I'm suggesting that he's a liar." "I just can't work out if he's doing it now or he did it then." "Or both." "Or both." "You get every American general or spy chief, comes in and says," ""You must remain."" "No, but it's bizarre, because they keep saying it's really important that we stay in this political union with the EU, and yet, bizarrely, are not in a political union with Mexico themselves." "They're planning to build a wall, so what's that about?" "It's just Trump who's planning to build a wall, isn't it?" "Oh, OK." "I don't think it's official US policy yet." "The bricklayers' union have been really strong on it." "Well, a lot of them are Mexicans." "What have ITV done to upset approximately half the Brexit people?" "Oh, ITV have decided to put Nigel Farage up for one of their big debates, so they've upset Vote Leave." "Vote Leave are now threatening to sue, because they say they're the official campaign and therefore it should be them and not Nigel Farage who gets to choose who goes up." "Vote Leave would rather have Boris?" "Anyone." "Literally anyone." "Ken Livingstone shouting "Hitler" every three minutes they would prefer." "And when we've veered off into the world of TV, what has John Whittingdale hit us up with this week?" "A damn-good thrashing?" "He's come up with the White Paper on broadcasting, which is not as extreme as was trailed." "As so often with the Government, they've said they're going to do one thing and then people have said," ""That's a terrible idea," and they've said," ""Oh, really?" "Oh, right." "We won't do it,"" "which is very good news." "But isn't there something quite strange in a government that isn't talking to junior doctors getting wound up about what time Strictly comes on?" "Well, Whittingdale and Strictly are two words you should..." "I did notice there was something about..." "He did say, "We don't mind Strictly, but perhaps not Bargain Hunt."" "I think that was actually mentioned in the White Paper." "It's just some old blokes just choosing what they like, isn't it?" "What about if the BBC's popular programmes had a kind of handicap system?" "So they could make a property programme, but it had to be set in the Gaza Strip." "Homes Under The Hamas." "For reasons that will become clear, although they are admittedly extremely tenuous, let's have a look at a block of flats being demolished in Glasgow, as seen through the camera lens of one excited onlooker." "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "This week saw the official launch of the EU referendum campaigns." "David Cameron has implied that leaving the EU could lead to World War III, whereas Nigel Farage is hoping for a rerun of World War II." "This week, we saw the one sure sign a referendum is on its way, as Gordon Brown was brought out of retirement to dance on a ball like an old, abused circus bear." "You just can't let it go, can you?" "Paul and Adil, here's another one for you." "Yes." "It's the Queen with the Chinese President, Hu." "The President." "There's Prince Philip doing the barest minimum." "Yeah, so it's about leaks, essentially, isn't it?" "Well, not leaks, but sort of overheard conversations, isn't it?" "Cameron also talked about corrupt government leaders arriving for a conference and stuff." "Yes, this is the Prime Minister and the Queen have been caught on camera sticking it to the jolly old foreigners." "I mean, it's an incredible story." "The Prime Minister was caught on camera telling the truth." "JULIA:" "He's apologised." "Shall we have a little look at what Cameron said?" "Yeah, absolutely." "I have to say, the Archbishop of Canterbury was trying to point out to the Prime Minister that this particular Nigerian Prime Minister was trying to stop corruption." "I mean, the way Cameron was selling it was trying to tell the Queen," ""This is going to be great," ""we've got the top corrupt people in the world coming."" "To learn from us." "Yeah." "But what he demanded, the Nigerian President, he said," ""I don't want an apology, I'd like some of the money back."" "Most of the Nigerian money flows into Britain through the British colonies and ends up in houses in London, schools, cars, dealerships." "He's saying, "If you could stop our kleptocrats" ""spending all the money in your tax havens," ""then perhaps that would be a start."" "At that point, Cameron remembered Mum and Dad, and... ..and probably went a bit quiet." "What grounds did David Cameron have for calling Nigeria and Afghanistan "fantastically corrupt"?" "Facts." "You're actually quite close to the real answer." "Oh, really?" "There's a transparency index of corrupt countries." "I think Afghanistan is third from the bottom," "Nigeria is a good way up." "We're number ten." "Very proud." "Is that the ten most corrupt or...?" "What top ten are we in?" "You move up the league like Leicester and just suddenly come and surprise everyone." "Well, there's a great story where, apparently, the Pakistani delegation went to the anti-corruption conference at the time." "Back then, at the end of the conference, they would announce who are the most ranked anti-corrupt countries in the world." "They came to announce it." "The announcer goes, "Well, Pakistan started the conference" ""at number seven," ""but having tried to bribe the anti-corruption committee..."" ""they find themselves now at number two."" "There's a theory that they maybe did it deliberately to create a big stink around the Euro referendum." "I, sort of, think possibly Cameron is saving the Queen's death for when he needs a really big news story." "I think he'll go for his weekly meeting one week, he'll take a pillow out of his briefcase and say," ""I'm sorry, ma'am." "ISIS have landed in Cornwall."" "How did the Queen add to things?" "The Queen was overheard saying the Chinese were a bit...tricky." "Rude." "Was that what she said?" "Yes, rude." "The royal family have got form when it comes to upsetting the Chinese." "Surprisingly, it's not Prince Philip." "Can you remember who it was?" "Prince Charles described the Communist leadership as a bunch of ghastly old waxworks." "Was this just before the Ambassador then left?" "Just before he complimented him on his chocolates." "We have a picture of Prince Charles making that remark." "This is the news that David Cameron and the Queen have been filmed making indiscreet comments about foreigners." "This all came despite the fact that we're always told the royal family are great for tourism and business." "Perhaps if we had a country worth visiting, we wouldn't have to parade the products of centuries of incest around to try to self fridge magnets." "Has this turned into a party political?" "On their last visit, the Chinese threatened to call the trip off." "The Queen said..." "Then again, if you're trying to get Chinese people to ask you for a Ferrero Rocher..." "That's a Prince Philip joke." "Ian and Julia, here's another one for you." "JULIA:" "Oh, exam stress." "Yes." "Old-fashioned schooling." "Ah, fero." "Bend over, lad." "This won't hurt." "And I think that's a U-turn." "This is another Government U-turn to add to all the other ones." "And this one's over...academies?" "Yes." "It was in the middle of the last Budget, and I think it was thrown in to show that they do have some ideas, even if they're very, very bad." "It's a new way of governing." "There was also some controversy around the Sats exams." "What happened to the reading test paper for seven-year-olds?" "Oh, it was leaked." "Someone gave it away." "A rogue examiner, apparently, looked at it on a website and then gave it away." "I think the rogue examiner is now on the run and is the Edward Snowden of telling people how to spell "necessary"." "In the last 12 months, the Government has done more U-turns than Matt LeBlanc screeching around the Cenotaph." "Chicken." "What was the U-turn about chicken?" "It didn't cross the road?" "It was the U-turn that they were forced to do on dropping animal welfare codes, specifically on chicken farmed for meat." "Oh." "Now, instead of facing an agonising and brutal death, chickens can look forward to a brutal death." "The Government was forced into a U-turn on academies." "The great thing about academies is that they can't be run at a profit, so they only attract people who really want to raise standards for students...or deny evolution or introduce Sharia law." "And so to Round Two, the Strengthometer of News." "Fingers on buzzers, teams." "Here's the first one." "BELL RINGS" "PAUL LAUGHS" "JULIA:" "This is genius." "These sheep were stolen but they had a photograph of the sheep that were stolen and the police put it out and they pixelated the faces of the sheep for privacy reasons under the human rights legislation." "Genuinely." "It wasn't exactly sheep privacy." "They said..." "APPLAUSE" "And deliciousness." "The police later revealed that it was a joke." "Meanwhile, what has the Greater Manchester Police been planning for?" "Is this the possible terror attack in a shopping centre?" "Yes, it is." "They've been carrying out a training exercise simulating an IS-style attack on the Trafford shopping centre in Manchester." "Let's take a look." "Allahu Akbar!" "Allahu Akbar!" "Allahu Akbar!" "It's all just staged." "They're all just actors, obviously, but it was horrifyingly realistic and some people got very annoyed." "Do you think it was a bad idea?" "Well, I spoke to all the Muslims before we came on tonight..." "And it was about 50-50. 50-50 split." "A lot of people...a lot of Muslims are annoyed that they used" ""Allahu Akbar", which I'm quite surprised by, because if you are doing a training exercise about possible people from ISIS, it's quite likely that they might be shouting "Allahu Akbar", so fair enough to the police, I think," "but a lot of Muslims are saying" ""Allahu Akbar" is used for different things and if you are in a shopping centre and you hear somebody shout it, it could be they are about to bomb you or it could be that they are about to pray," "or there's a sale on at Next." "Hmm." "So, that's only fair." "They want to make sure there's a distinction." "One person tweeted..." "Post-modern terrorism, that's what we want." "This is the news that the Greater Manchester Police have carried out a terrorist training exercise." "If people think shouting "Allahu Akbar"" "is going to cause pandemonium, try going to the Trafford Centre and shouting that it's the last orders at Wetherspoon's." "Time now for the Odd One Out Round." "Ian and Julia, your four are" "Pot Black snooker, the Biami tribe, the Natural Environment Research Council's polar research vessel and the fossilised egg of an elephant bird." "JULIA:" "Well, we know about the polar vessel, because people voted for it to be called Boaty McBoatface and Boring McBoringface, and the Government decided that was wrong." "They're going to call it the Sir David Attenborough, but that prompted a petition, rather wonderfully, for Sir David Attenborough to change his name by deed poll to Sir David McDavidface." "It's about changing your name." "It's not called Pot Black any more." "Every colour is equal." "Is it?" "Is there a link to David Attenborough here?" "Ah, yes!" "Cos David Attenborough was the controller of BBC Two when he commissioned Pot Black back in 1969 because it was a programme made for colour TV." "ADIL:" "Did he discover all these, apart from which one didn't he..." "JULIA:" "Boaty McBoatface." "He didn't discover it but he was named after it, or something." "Is the right answer." "APPLAUSE" "They're all known thanks to the work of Sir David Attenborough, apart from the UK's new polar research vessel, which is going to be named after him." "I don't know if you've followed the whole Boaty McBoatface thing." "I thought it could have gone a lot worse if you were asking the British public to decide on something." "They're lucky it wasn't called Harold Shipman." "A hitherto unknown Biami tribe of Papua New Guinea were discovered by David Attenborough while filming a documentary in 1971." "What did David Attenborough do with the egg from the gigantic but extinct elephant bird?" "He had to put it together because..." "He did, yeah." "Put it all back together." "He reconstructed it from over 1,000 pieces." "Here's what he started out with." "And here's his first attempt." "And then he made this." "What could be a more appropriate 90th birthday gift for" "David Attenborough than to give his name to a polar research vessel, as they both begin a long, cold journey to a place of endless night?" "Happy birthday, Sir David." "Paul and Adil, here are yours - 420 billion slugs," "2,186 goats, two wolves and one weasel." "Is the weasel the only one that nearly drowned in a bottle of milk?" "Was the weasel the one that was in the Hadron Collider?" "It is." "Ah, yes." "He ate through a cable and it stopped working, so..." "These other things did something... ..that stopped something working." "I can play this game, I can do that!" "And that's an exclusive." "They've all inconvenienced people except one." "Ah, yes." "Apart from the goats." "It's actually the wolves." "Oh, yes." "They have all inconvenienced people apart from the wolves, which are positive boon for Belarus's Eurovision entry, Ivan." "Oh!" "Ivan is going to perform, I think, tonight, naked, with two presumably quite baffled wolves." "Hopefully well-fed wolves at this point." "Hopefully well-drugged wolves." "Yes." "What does Ivan say is key to performing naked with wolves?" "Is it a show called Dangling With Wolves?" "Is that wolf wearing something in the nether regions?" "Yeah." "Is that like a thong or...?" "He's wearing the other bloke's underpants." "He is naked and the wolf's wearing a thong?" "Yeah!" "That's what's going on there." "The Eurovision knows its audience." "It certainly does." "And that's a blue screen, so God knows what the image will be like on the night." "What he said to the Mail Online was..." "A new super breed of sex-mad, sleepless slugs has arrived from Spain." "An alliterative threat." "Do you know how they got over here?" "Really slowly." "They've just been tossed from garden to garden." "For some people, that's a summer holiday." "According to the Daily Mail, it was..." "And why might these slugs be dangerous to road users?" "The car crushes the slug, the slug gets caught up in the rubber, the rubber and the slug interact together in the way that only synthetic material and a live animal can and it all goes wrong." "Well, I'm going to give a point for that because actually, they get run over on the road, other slugs come out to eat them and it creates a..." "Looking forward to that." "A weasel disrupted the Large Hadron Collider last week." "The Large Hadron Collider has revealed a lot of previously unknown information to scientists." "For example, we now know how to cook a weasel to perfection." "Belarus's Eurovision entry, Ivan, will perform with wolves." "The tragedy is he has said to his friends so often in the past that he's going to be performing with wolves at Eurovision that nobody believes him any more." "Time now for the Missing Words round, which this week features as its guest publication..." "If, like me, you are a massive fan of parking conventions, there's a brilliant one every day on the M25." "And we start with... ..are made before designer eggs." "That's the old debate." "Yeah, sorted that one out." "Thieves are targeting middle-class homes and stealing rare chickens." "Good." "Next up..." "Book on parallel parking has become a classic." "ADIL:" "Professor Donald Shoup's book of" "How I Never Want To Write A Classic has become a classic." "I'm going to give you a point for the first one because the answer is... ..is a classic in the parking industry." "Oof!" "I don't know anything about Professor Donald Shoup but I guarantee his nickname at school was Cream Of Tomato." "And finally..." "Tastes of bamboo and shit." "This is the news that you can now get panda tea made from poo." "Poo Tea is the name of the panda." "So, the final scores are..." "Paul and Adil have eight points and Ian and Julia have six points." "APPLAUSE" "And I'll leave you with the news that outside the Houses of Parliament, a Tory aide desperately tries to stop the press seeing what happens to Iain Duncan Smith after dark." "At a Buckingham Palace tea party, there's relief that the cameraman who captured the Queen's undiplomatic remarks about the Chinese didn't look behind him." "And outside an abattoir in Birmingham," "Larry can't believe his luck as his friends have remembered his birthday." "Goodnight." "or leave it altogether" "The referendum on whether we should remain within the European Union"