"OK, Lily, I've got the list of what you need for your project." "Glitter glue..." " ...glitter dots..." " Mm-hmm." "...glitter... paper." "Mrs. Daniels says my projects have too much glitter." "Okay, well, she needs a Mr. Daniels, because a project can't have too much pizzazz." "It's a report on the potato famine." "I'm " " I'm sorry." "Do Irish tears not sparkle?" "Okay." "Okay." "Sorry." " Longinus, Jotham." " Oh, hey." " Hi." " Oh, hi, guys." "What's up?" "Oh, nothing, just picking up supplies to make signs" " for the big protest." " Yes." " Oh, right." "Right, yes." " Mm-hmm." " Uh, uh, w" " And which big protest is " "We're picketing the Jai Alai Lounge" " for obvious reasons." " Obviously." " Obviously." " Obviously, yes." "What reasons, daddy?" "Um, well, Jotham, y-you tell her." "It makes me so angry, I can't even say it out loud." "So upset." "All we know is the Jai Alai Lounge" " has the single best burger in the country..." " Oh, my god." "...if not the universe." " The Jai Alai burger is 1/4-pound..." " 1/3." "...prime Angus," " Uh, fresh, crispy lettuce..." " Butter lettuce." "...a sauce delivered from heaven..." "From Kansas City." "...all on a perfectly toasted, fresh-baked bun." "With sesame seeds." "I wanted to have it as our wedding cake." "Maybe for your next one." "Hmm?" "So, who's this "we" that's picketing?" "Every week, a group of us get together to protest those who have been holding back the gay cause." "Why haven't we ever been invited?" "[ Clears throat ] It's just that you're not that..." " Political." " Mm." "Uh, um, you know, ever since..." "He knows I can see, right?" "We are very, very political people." " Yes, we were just discussing..." " Mm-hmm." " ...the potato famine of Ireland." " Yes." "I haven't had a potato in four years." "Well, if you're honestly interested, we'll be out there on Saturday at noon." "You should come join us." " We will." " Yep." "With bells." " Yeah." "That's just -- that's an expression." " Oh, gosh." "[ Chuckles ] These are for Lily's project on the potato famine, actually." "[ Bells thud, jingle ]" " Oh, okay." "Bye." "[ Chuckles ]" " Well, all right." " Cameron:" "See ya, guys." " Mitchell:" "Bye." " See ya Saturday, guys." " Yeah, good to see you." "Bye." "Oh, my god." "Can you believe that?" "Yeah, he's a little hippy for somebody that doesn't eat potatoes." "[ Squealing ]" "We were called into Principal Brown's office one week before Alex's graduation." "That can mean only one of two things." "Either she's gonna be valedictorian or they're giving an award for sexiest dad." "We're very proud of Alex." "[ Squealing ] Honey." "[ Squealing stops ] I'm sorry." "I just feel like my whole life has been building up to this point." " I know." " Oh." " Hello, Dunphys." " Hey." " Hi." "So nice to be able to give you some good news in one of these meetings." "How is Haley, by the way?" "So sorry we're late." "We " " What's she doing here?" " What's he doing here?" "Well, Alex and Sanjay, after four years of spirited competition," "I am very pleased to tell you that you are the Pali High Class of 2015 " "Ooh -- Co-valedictorians!" " That's amazing!" "Yes!" " Oh!" "Couldn't be more proud of the both of you, huh?" "What do you mean -- co-valedictorians?" ""Co" is the Latin prefix for "together."" "But really, what do you mean -- co-valedictorians?" "Well, I thought there might be some aggressive questions that, uh, made me nervous, and so I wrote down my remarks." "Uh..." "[ Clears throat ]" "No, I'm not trying to ruin your lives." "It's just that your GPAs are tied to the thousandth of a decimal point." " But my GPA's 4.645923." " My GPA's 4.645923." "She got an "A-" on the French final." "He got an "A-" on an English paper." " Oh." " No." "This is a nightmare." "Worst day of my life." "Guys, we should be celebrating." "This is literally a win/win." "I didn't work my whole life for a tie." "[ Scoffs ]" "No offense, Principal Brown, but you were a teaching major." "I'd like to check the GPAs myself." "Have at it." "What is it with these two?" "I agree with them." "Ties are un-American." "Would you be happy if the Super Bowl ended in a tie?" "Yes!" "There'd be twice as many parades!" "There must be some way to determine who the best student is." "Well, unfortunately, all the final exams and the papers are in." "Grades are closed." "[ Sighs ] Not all the grades." "Well, well, well..." "Looks like the janitor finally fixed my chair." "What are you guys all doing here?" "What are the last two states to be admitted into the Union?" "Alaska and Hawaii." "Name two cabinet-level positions." "That's easy." "There's a higher one for the glasses and a lower one for the pots and the pans." "Hey, don't get cocky." "[ Chuckles ]" "When we started studying for this, you thought the Secretary of Defense job was to guard "da fence."" "[ Chuckles ]" "Gloria's about to take her citizenship test." "This little jumping bean's about to become an American." "Jumping beans are Mexican." "Once you're an American, you won't see the difference." "I got you a little gift to celebrate." "Aww." "I know it's not much." "It's practically nothing." "It's America." "It's fun." "Aww, thank you, Jay." "I'm so excited." "Do you know that once I pass, I can serve on a jury?" "They still use the electric chair, right?" "[ Door opens, closes ] We're back." "Hola, Javier." "How was "take your son to not work" day?" "How was life before radio?" "Ah." "[ Clicks tongue ]" "Manny told me about your plans to abandon your Colombian roots." "Really?" "You're gonna lecture me on abandonment?" "You left to buy some diapers, and I saw you four years later." "If only you could let that go as easily as your homeland." ".." ".." "Are they fighting or falling back in love?" ".." ".." "[ Stammering ] ...c-cow!" "Cow?" "The woman who is abandoning her country cannot remember the Spanish word for cow." "It slipped my mind." "[ Laughs ]" "Vaca." "There's a taco truck parked outside my office." "Well, it looks like you both have the same gym grade, but I do see here that neither of you have completed this semester's mile run." "We were at a debate tournament." " Which we won, thanks to me." " Oh, please." "After your long-winded summation on euthanasia, people wanted to kill themselves." "Enough." "We will do a makeup race." "And whoever wins gets to be valedictorian." " You're on." " This is crazy." "Are we all so obsessed with being number one that we can't just celebrate this moment?" "Yeah, I mean, it's the end of their senior year." "They're both into great colleges." "They should be off celebrating, playing hookey, going up to the lake house to go skinny-dipping with their friend's older brother who's home from college." " Let's -- let's keep this general, Claire." " Okay." "Yeah." "The point is these are two amazing kids." " We should be celebrating them both." " Mm-hmm." "Mm, we're not surprised you would think that." "Great." "Wait." "What?" "Every parent wants to believe that their child can compete with Sanjay." "But Alex can compete with Sanjay." "That's why we're here." "Sanjay was forming full sentences at 13 months." "Alex had a poem published in Highlights magazine when she was 5 years old." "It was called "Mr. Lamb buys a ham."" "But really, it was about the Holocaust." " Hmm." " When he was 16," "Sanjay was the highest-ranked chess player in the state." "When Alex was 15, she discovered a mistake in our taxes." " We owed a lot more money than I realized." " Hmm." "Yes, we're very impressed with how much Alex has been able to accomplish, given her background." "You know what?" "You're right." "Let's settle this out on the track." "All right, Coach Tucker," "I'm assuming we can count on you to officiate." "Well, now, normally," "I don't like to be the center of attention." "That's fine." "I'll get someone else." "I said I would do it." "Alex's uncle cannot possibly be considered an impartial judge." "I'm the gym teacher." "Who else has the training to oversee this?" "Anyone with a stopwatch?" "Okay, you know what?" "No need to humiliate me." "May the best child win." " Oh, she will." " Ah." "[ Chuckles ]" "Consider this moment gauntleted." "[ Groans ] Is that a word?" "Hold your head up like it is." "Vocabulary's mostly a matter of confidence." " I love that we're getting involved." " Yeah, me, too." "I think we're really gonna send a strong message to whomever to stop doing whatever it is he or she is doing." "Oh, like "shame" doesn't cover 1,000 different things?" "Okay." "Where is everybody?" "[ Scoffs ] So like the gays to no-show." "Yeah, right?" "Is there a sale at Barney's that nobody told us about?" "[ Both laugh ]" " Seriously, is there?" " I don't know." "Longinus and Jotham do this all the time." "They -- they guilt us into doing something, and then they bail." "They did it at Pepper's New Year's Steve party." "Yeah, everybody had to dress as a famous Steve." "Steve Austin." "Steve Martin." "They bailed, and we got stuck in a room full of Sondheims." "[ Groans ] ♪ how are you doing?" "♪" "♪ My name is Steve ♪" "Hi." "Excuse me." " Table for two?" " No, no." "God no. [ Chuckles ] Um, have there been any protesters out front this afternoon?" "Oh, the gay thing?" "Not today." "Oh, of course." "We rush around all morning " "I haven't eaten breakfast -- And -- and for nothing." "And it couldn't smell any better in here." "We do have a table." "No, thank you." "No, we're not gonna compromise our principles just for..." "[ Sniffs ]" "We'll take a booth away from the window." "In back." "Something in back?" " This way." " Yeah." "Okay." " Yeah?" "Oh, my god." "She's still going." "I know." "Remember how winded she used to get hauling around "Ulysses" in the third grade?" "She's surprisingly graceful for being so uncoordinated." "I know." "I was hoping to get a funny video of her falling." "But I don't think it's gonna happen." "My playlist ended two minutes ago." "I heard all that." "Honey, I know we were all just saying it before, but you could actually win this thing." "I wasn't just saying it." "I will win." "Nothing is going to -- Ohh!" "[ Thud ] Oh." "There it is." "[ Groans ]" "[ Colombian music plays ]" "Hey." "What's going on here?" "I'm making sancocho." "Yeah." "You got your little Colombian music going, huh?" "I know." "So beautiful." "Javier got to you, didn't he?" "[ Chuckling ] No." "Maybe a little bit." "Gloria, don't listen to him." "Get rid of that squirrel stew." "[ Music stops ] I got a few special things here to help celebrate you becoming an American." "Look." "Kobe steaks." "Bottle of scotch." "Cigars." "You know that none of that is made in America." "Buying them all was the American part." "Jay, I'm not in the mood." " I am having some doubts." " Okay." "You listened to Javier." "Now listen to me." "Do you know why I want you to become an American citizen?" "Because I fought for this country." "My father fought for this country." "Because this country's all about freedom and opportunity, and I want you to share in that 100%." "You're right." "I want that, too." "I'm so sorry." "Hey, you're just a little scared." "I know what will help you feel better." "We'll fire up some steaks, we'll pour a little wine, you pop into those short shorts," "I chase you around the living room " "That type of thing." "[ Chuckles ]" "Hey, mom." "Um, I got invited to my friend Billy's house for dinner tonight." "Don't worry." "We're not gonna eat this." "We're gonna eat steak." "Oh, good." "There's no Billy." "Why the sudden change in menu?" "Well, I was having some doubts, but Jay made me feel better." "He told me the reason why he wants me to be an American." "Oh, those long lines." " What long lines?" " The customs line." "Oh, Jay hates them when we come back from Cabo." "What?" "That son of a bitch wants me to turn my back on my homeland for an airport line?" "You know, I should at least make an appearance at Billy's." "[ Doorbell rings ]" "[ Birds chirping ]" "Sanjay." "What are you doing here?" "What are those?" "Ankle weights." "Okay." "Wrist weights." "Why are you here?" "Look, uh, tomorrow, it's all gonna be over, everything we've been working for since we started school." "So, I-I wanted to come by and say thanks." "I'm not a doctor yet, but it seems like you're having some sort of brain episode." "No, I'm serious." "Thank you for pushing me." "You know how hard it's been to keep up with you my whole life?" "Uh, I have my GPA because of you." "I got into Stanford because of you." "[ Chuckles ]" "I'll admit I did spend about a few hundred extra hours trying to be better than you." "I'm gonna miss this when we go to college." "Yeah, I guess I'll miss this, too." "I like you." "Okay." "I mean like-like, like how Pierre Curie liked Marie Curie." "Oh." "I'm sorry." "I-I went too far." "You smell pretty." "I should go." "[ Rapid, heavy footsteps depart ]" "Where's Alex?" "I made her a smoothie." "Might have made it a little too healthy." "Why are we so focused on helping Alex win when we could be working on making Sanjay lose?" " Talk to me." " Okay, is there a manhole on the track, because it's kind of important to my plan." "Okay, that was weird." "Sanjay was just here." "He said that the best part of high school was our competition, and... that he liked me." "Oh, honey." "[ Clicks tongue ]" "What?" "Doesn't the timing seem a little suspicious to you?" "Maybe, but he seemed really genuine." "Classic psychological warfare." "I've dealt with it in elite competitions." "I didn't realize it happened outside of cheerleading." "Think about it, sweetie." "Has he ever said anything nice to you before?" "No." "Not even when I break out my fun blazer." "[ Gasps ] [ Groans ]" "Oh, my god." "What is wrong with me?" "I can't believe I let him get in my head." "Oh, he is going down." "Tomorrow, Sanjay Patel begins a lifetime of second best." "Enjoy your hydrox cookies and your silver medal, Mr. Vice President!" "You go, girl." "Do we have any cookies?" "Gloria." "[ Bad Texas accent ] Howdy, hubby." "How about some grub before we turn on the NASCAR?" "I'm not gonna lie, I like where this is going." "But, uh..." "I'm not sure I'm supposed to." "Ain't this what you wanted?" "The perfect American wife to make your life more convenient?" "Do you think that's an American accent?" "[ Normal voice ] From Texas." "Manny told me that you want me to give up my heritage so that you don't have to wait in line at the airport." "Oh, I got to stop talking to that kid when I'm drinking." "Well, I'm not gonna do it." "So say goodbye to your little American wife." "Man, those shorts really take the sting out of getting yelled at." "Yeah." "Oh, my god, that burger was so good," "I feel like I just cheated on you." "Yeah, I heard the moaning." "Are we terrible people?" "I don't think we are." "Look, hear -- hear me out." "By eating those burgers, we denied them from the sort of narrow-minded homophobes that would come to a restaurant like this." "Okay, I don't totally follow, but I like where you ended up." "I-I'm just saying that we did the right thing by coming here, and I feel like -- Oh, god, gays." "All:" "We're here!" "We're queer!" "We don't support corporations that contribute to super PACs which don't support healthcare coverage for same-sex partners!" " Oh, right." " We're here..." " Right." "Right." " That's why we're boycotting this place." "Right." "All:" "We're here!" "We're queer!" "How are we supposed to fall in without them noticing?" "Okay, it's just like double Dutch." "Just find the rhythm and jump in." "Go, go." " Right now?" "Ah." " We're here!" "We're queer!" "We don't support corporations that contribute to super PACs which don't support healthcare coverage for same-sex partners!" "We're here!" "We're queer!" "We don't support corporations that contribute to super PACs which don't support..." "Hey, you came!" "Well, well, well." "What a surprise." "I don't know why this is a surprise." "We're very political people." "Yes, there's not a week that goes by that we're not deeply entrenched in the issues that face our community." "Ohh." "Deeply." "Deeply." " And this whole, um, super PAC thing..." " Super PAC." " Ohh." " It's -- it is infuriating." " Mr. Pritchett, you forgot your cellphone inside." " Thank you." "Thank you." "See, uh, before you guys got here, we went in there, and we demanded a refund for our gift cards." " Yes, we went into the belly of the beast." " So..." "Yes, we did." " Sir, you forgot your food to go." " Thank you." " And fed your bellies." " How could you?" "Okay, before you get all superior, we hadn't eaten since breakfast." "It's a quarter to 1:00." "That's what I'm saying." "Mitchell:" "Okay, you know what?" "Yes." "We went in there with the best of intentions, and we stumbled, but who amongst us hasn't?" " And, okay, isn't that what we're fighting for " " Yes." "...the freedom to fall short of perfection and still be judged by the same standard as everyone else?" "That." " Thank you." " No." "Didn't you hear our chant?" "It was really quite clear." " It's quite long." " You know, look." " We want to be socially responsible." " We do." "We want to do the right thing." "[ Sighs ]" " But it's hard to keep track..." " So hard." "...of all the companies that we like" " and that we don't like." " Don't like." "[ Sighs ] We're -- we're just trying to make it in this world, raise our daughter, get her to her soccer game." " Ooh." " Not Youth Soccer Federation." "'Cause if it's Youth Soccer Federation " " I don't want to know." " Oh, my god!" "You know what?" "Sh-shame!" "Shame!" "Shame!" "Shame on you." "You are no better than the people in that restaurant." "Come on, Cam let's go." "Come on." "Think they bought it?" "Keep your head up." "Don't look back." "Being right is mostly confidence." "[ Sighs ]" "Okay, look." "I'm sorry." "We good?" "Apparently not." "Look, complaining about a line at an airport is easier than admitting the truth about why I want you to become a citizen." "I guess it still bothers me that you have all these ties to Javier." "What ties?" "What are you talking about?" "Gloria Delgado-Pritchett." "You still have his last name." "You're both Colombians." "When you and I come back to the country, we have to wait in separate lines like we're not even in the same family." "I don't know." "I guess I just thought that if you committed to America, in some weird way, you'd be recommitting to me." "That's the longest you've ever been quiet, and it's terrifying." "I know nobody asked for my advice " "Yet you're talking." "I agree with Jay." "Let's hear him out." "Don't do this for him, mom." "You're all over the place." "But you also shouldn't worry about what dad thinks." "I think you should become a citizen because even back when we were alone in our apartment, this is what you always wanted." "Remember sitting by the window, watching reruns of "Miami vice" on the neighbor's TV, and all the bad guys were caught and all the policemen had those -- those nice cars?" "We used to watch that and think what an amazing country this was." "Did a little research." "If mom isn't a citizen when Jay "moves on to a better place,"" "we could be looking at a pretty hefty estate tax." "I don't want to sound insensitive, but I have acquired a real taste for truffles." "All right, kids, four laps." "First one to finish wins." "It's not rocket science, unfortunately for you, because I think you'd find that easier." "[ Laughs ]" "You nervous?" "Come on, Alex!" "You can do it!" "I ran six miles the morning you were born!" "You came out of the womb ready for this!" "Sanjay!" "Your 115 cousins are rooting for you!" "Why are you ignoring me?" "All right, on your mark." "Look." "I didn't mean to weird you out yesterday." "Stop it." "I'm not falling for these little mind games." " Get set." " It's not a game." " It's how I feel." " I said enough, Sanjay." "[ Whistle blows ] Vish:" "Run, Sanjay!" " Claire:" "What's happening?" " He must know something we don't." "Stop running, Alex!" "It's a trap!" "What are you doing?" "I was telling the truth yesterday." "I don't care if I lose valedictorian if it'll prove that I really like you." "Are -- Are you serious?" "Yes." "Please don't laugh at me." "I'm " " I'm feeling very exposed with my skinny legs." "[ Chuckles ] I-I like your legs." "You do?" "Well..." "I love your hair." "And your smile." "And the way you roll your beautiful brown eyes when someone gets an answer wrong." "[ Chuckles ]" "I don't understand what's going on." "Why isn't he running?" "We spent $1,200 on a Skype session with Usain Bolt." "Uh, I feel like we're about to kiss." "Are we about to kiss, 'cause I've never really " "Oh, my god." "They're kissing." "Sanjay!" "What are you doing?" "!" "Get away from her!" "Oh, it's so cute." "[ Whimpers ]" "He seems quite skilled at it." "Okay, that's enough." "I-I think -- I think we can dial it back." "So, co-valedictorians it is." "I missed a tile demo at Home Depot for this, but good for you." "[ Patriotic music plays ] Announcer:" "This is a land where people of vastly different cultures are brought together by their willingness to work hard and their desire to succeed." "I'm a better kisser than you are." "You're joking, right?" "I'm actually destroying you." "This is a land made great by people standing up for what they believe." "What are you doing?" "Um, you know what?" "I have decided that we -- We cannot eat these curly fries." "Ba-Ba-Ba!" "Shake it." "The container, Cam." "This is a beacon of freedom." "Welcome to the United States of America." "That's your wife?" "Pretty great country, huh?" "Okay." "You ready to begin?" "Yes." "[ Sniffs ]" "The United States government has how many branches?" " Three." " Correct." "What color are the stars on the American flag?" "White, but I feel like it's my duty to tell you that you have a flag right behind you, so probably you need to ask me another question." "No need." "Congratulations, you passed." "What?" "That's it?" "Two questions?" "And I have a cheat flag?" "That's all it takes?" "Yep, you'll get an official letter in the mail with the details of your oath ceremony." "Do you know how long I've been studying for this?" "You're robbing me of the feeling of achievement." "Ask me another question, and a hard one this time." " But you already pa" " Do it!" "OK." "How many members of Congress are there?" "You know what?" "It's too late, you already said that I passed."