"# My thoughts may stray #" "# My eyes may roam #" "# The neighbors' grass may seem much greener #" "# Than the grass right here at home #" "# If pretty girls excite me, well, that's life #" "# But just in case you didn't know #" "# I love my wife #" "# If rosy lips invite me, hey, that's life #" "# But just in case you couldn't guess #" "# Or hadn't heard, or didn't know #" "# I love my wife, I love my wife #" "# I love my wife. #" "So, Donna wants to remodel the kitchen." "Remodel, like rebuild?" "Fix it up?" "Yes, fix it up." "Very good, you're on top of your game today." "I actually think it'll be good for her." "She thinks it'll be good for us... bring us closer together." "Pride in the home, pride in our ability, that kind of deal." "Yeah, there's that." "Then there's the fact that a remodel can be tough on a couple." "I read somewhere it's the number three cause of breakup, right after infidelity and financial problems." "Hey, if you wanted, you can probably hit the trifecta." "You could overspend on the remodel, then have her catch you screwing the painter" " just as she's opening the bill." " Why would I want that?" "She catches me with the painter, my marriage is over." "Exactly." "The next day on the way to work you'd have something real to bitch about in place of the normal bullshit sniveling we have to listen to." "It'd be a nice change." "Oh, I get it now." "It was a joke on me." " Hey, Micky." "Good morning." " Hi." "Um, I think we should talk about what happened at my place the other night." " You've been acting really weird." " I'm not acting weird." "I'm just busy." "I know you must think it is horribly rude the way we laughed at you." "Missy, did you not just hear me say that I'm busy?" "I have work to do." "I think we should talk about it." "I don't have time to talk." "I'm busy." "# Do you understand what I need from you?" "#" "# Just let me be the girl to show you you #" "# Everything that you can be... #" "I'm interviewing her this afternoon." "She's hot." "Very hot." "But young." "She's very young, this girl." "Ah, too young for me." " # I want to be bad... #" " It's kind of sad." "It seems like only yesterday a hot 18-year-old could really trigger me." " Send me in the Badlands." " When did that happen?" "When did 18 get too young?" "I cannot see myself with an 18-year-old girl right now." " I'd feel like a total idiot." " I know." "To me nowadays, a young piece of ass is like 21, maybe 22." " Yes." " Right?" " # I never thought # - # I want to be bad... #" " She's hot." " Too young." "Glad you said it." "# I'm losing all my cool #" "# I'm about to break the rules... #" "Okay, uh..." "I'm gonna run." " Where you going?" " Drugstore." "Got to get a few things." "Rubberbands, hairspray... get a card for Carol." " It's her birthday?" " No, that's later in the week." "Just gonna get one of those just-thinking-of-you cards." "Get me one of those too, will you, buddy?" "Grab me one of those just-thinking-of-you cards." " No problem." " Make it three." "# I've got things on my mind #" "# I never thought thought I would # # l-I want to be bad. #" "These generic just-thinking-of-you cards are tough." "I feel like I'm taking a pop quiz, or something." "I don't even know what to say." "It always feels like I'm just repeating myself." "I'm always sincere." "After eight years of marriage it's like I just feel like a broken gushy record." "I always write the same basic thing." "But you know Carol, she loves them." "Donna too." "She's saved every one of them I've ever given her." "Yeah, Bianca's got them in a shoebox dated, catalogued and sealed." "The worst is when they leave them out." "Donna will actually display the thing in our living room on a shelf just sitting there" " for half the planet to gawk at." " Oh no." "The other thing about Donna, she'll go to a card store, and she will stand in front of that card wall fishing for the perfect card for hours at a time, just staring at these cards as if the fate of the universe" "depends on her getting the exact perfect card." "Me, I go in, I find the card I want and I'm gone in the blink of an eye." "I have razor-like instincts on getting the perfect card... unless, of course, some asshole put the wrong card in the wrong section and I forgot to look, in which case I'm the asshole." "I have been known to rush the process and have paid the price." "It's good to actually take the time to read the card, before you write anything in it." "I'm a work in progress." "What can I say?" "Do you want me to come by next week?" " Yeah, of course I do." " Okay." "This is going to be the second-to-last time then." "What are you talking about, "second-to-last time"?" "I'm retiring the end of next week." "I met someone last summer." "I'm getting engaged." "Good for you." "Lucky guy." "Well done." "I'm happy for you." "Thank you." "I'm really happy." "Good, then I am." "I am." "I'm going to miss this, but I'm happy." "Thanks." "You're sweet, Jake." "I don't know." "We may want to move this wall back, get a little more space in here." "More space?" "Oh no, don't talk about more space." "We wouldn't know what to do with any more space." "I like that one." " You are joking." " No, I like that." "It looks like a kitchen in a home for wayward boys." "All right, I hate it." "I think this is gonna be great." "I think we can do something you're really gonna like." " On our budget?" " Maybe even a little less." "Okay." "This is nice." "I know, isn't it?" "That is a card that my very sweet husband brought home this evening for no reason whatsoever." "Okay, so good." "Let's get into remodel mode." "What I thought was that these units were gonna" " work well with this paint..." " Look at you." " You're in heaven, aren't you?" " Shut up." "I haven't seen her this happy since Fergie came to Chicago." "How cute is this little guy?" "He's adorable." "God." "Hey, you happy about the kitchen?" "I think we could have fun with it, don't you?" "Yes, it's gonna be great." "It's gonna be wonderful." "Don't forget, we've got Larry and all the contractors coming tomorrow night." "You've got to be here." "You will be here, won't you?" "I will be here." "# l-I, l-I #" "# I want to be bad with you, baby #" "# What's up?" "Tell me what do, how to be #" "# Teach me all your words from A to Z #" "# But I don't want your other girl to see #" "# That you're messing around with me, I want to be bad #" "# You make bad look so good #" "# I've got things on my mind #" "# I never thought I would # # l..." "I want to be bad #" "# I want to be bad with you, baby. #" "Am I too young for you now?" "No." "No, who said that?" "No, you... you're the perfect age." "Not even in your dreams, old man." "Yeah, that makes sense." " Dougy, let's go, chop chop." " Douglas." "Here is your homework." "I finished this for you last night." "Do not drop it on the bus." " Isn't he supposed to be doing that?" " He did, he helped." "He helped?" "How did he help if he was asleep?" "Are you suddenly in with the school board now?" " No." " I didn't think so." "Nelson, put those eggs down, I have egg whites for you." "Hey, does everybody know what tomorrow night is?" " Mommy's birthday." " You got it." "We're all gonna go out as a family, and we're gonna celebrate at our favorite restaurant... thank you... and you know which one that is?" " "White Castle"!" " You got it." "It's gonna be a great night." "It's gonna be Mommy-boo's best birthday ever." "Mmm, yes, it is." "You are so lucky to have me." " I finally have you cornered." " Hey." "I really want to talk about what happened the other night." "I can't, I'm swamped." "I'm so swamped." "You are being a total asshole." "Can I say that to you without you getting upset?" "No, you already said it, I'm already upset, so there." "I'm trying to do everything I can to get you to talk." "I am being persistent." "I'm learning how to be a good reporter." " I can't do this here." " Why?" "Not here." "Randall's on the prowl, and I just..." "I can't do it." "Well, then can we please at least get a drink after work tonight, please, Micky?" "Please?" "You're very cute when you beg, has anyone ever told you that?" " Yeah." " I bet." "Oh, God." "It's important to me." "Okay, fine, tonight." " We'll talk about it quickly, okay?" " Yes." "Then if either one of us ever brings it up again, the other one gets to kill them, deal?" "Deal, deal." "Hey, babe." "Hi, it's Micky." "Listen, something's come up tonight, okay?" "Oh no, you can't." "We've got the meeting at the house tonight." "I know, I'm gonna be there." "I'm just gonna be a little late, but I'm definitely gonna be there." "Well, what is it?" "What is this thing you have to do?" "It's nothing, it's Randall." "It's Randall." "He needs to talk to me." "He's missing his wife is what it is." "He wants to have a drink, he's low." "What can I say?" "I told him I would." "Well, all right, I won't be upset." "You've been a doll about all this." "But don't be too late." "I don't want them to think I'm on my own with this thing." "Oh, they won't think that, they won't." "Okay, and I won't be late, okay?" "I love you." " I love you, too." " Okay, bye." "Listen, the thing that happened the other night at your apartment," "I need you to understand what it is that I was doing." "Oh, I do." "You were masturbating." "No no." "No, I wasn't." "It's okay if you were." "I wasn't masturbating." "I was... guys get very pent up, they do." "They get very pent up, and they can't concentrate." "They need to engage in something called... erection diminishment." "Erection diminishment?" "Yeah." "It's not masturbating, it's..." "Half-masturbating?" "Something like that, but not really." "It's more like repositioning." "That's what I was doing, I was repositioning, and I had to take it out to reposition." "And I was so erect, that I had to work it down to a manageable size." "Manageable size, really?" "Yes, it was very painful." "Well, what was it that got you so erect?" "Was it my roommate?" "Did you have to reposition because of her?" "No." "Was it me?" "Yes." "Yes." "Some women are just lucky, I guess." "We don't need to reposition, or use our hands, or anything." "We can masturbate in public if we need to, right in front of guys, and you don't know what we're doing." "Get the fuck out of here." "Not all women, but some of us, we can just like wiggle our butt on the seats the right way, and totally get off." "It's actually a great gift." "There can be women right now in this restaurant," " masturbating as we speak?" " Theoretically." "Wow, look at this one, she is really getting herself off." "Oh, she's definitely gonna need to go and wash up, that one." "My God, I never noticed this before." "This is amazing!" "Exactly, so you don't have to be so hard on yourself, that's what I'm saying." "Thank you." "God, am I a sick fuck." "Is this a good time for me to ask if I can to go to the taping with you tomorrow night?" "Yeah." "Yeah, you can go to the taping." "Great." "Hey, what's up?" "We're done, that's what's up." "I'm sorry I got here a little late." "Not a problem, Micky." "Everything is on paper in the proposal." "This here is just a little meet and greet." "It's all going to be fine." "Good." "Again, sorry that I'm late." "No big deals, they do not exist, okay?" "Donna, I'll call you tomorrow." "We're going into tile hell together, you and I." "I look forward to it enormously." "Oh, hey hey, come on, guys." "It's personal, okay?" "It's personal." "Actually, a friend left that here." "Thank you very much." "I'll see you in the morning, guys." "Okay." "That went well, huh?" "What, you're mad?" "Don't be mad, I got tied up." "He said it went well." "I have his proposal." "It did." "It went well without you." "Come on, babe, don't be that way." "Don't "babe" me, you said you'd be here." "You know what?" "This is not fair." "You know I'm working my ass off right now." "You know what?" "Then just... you know what?" "Do the thing yourself, do it yourself." "Fine, I will, because I'm not about to drag you every inch of the way with this." "You don't have to drag me, Donna." "I'm here." " Late." " I'll be not late to the next one." "I'm not that stupid." "There won't be a next one." "Who's that a threat to?" "I'm the one that likes the kitchen the way it is." "You're the one that wants to nuke the goddamn thing." "I'm sorry, okay?" "I'm sorry, I just... where are you going?" "Whe...?" "Talk about shit communication skills." "So, you're really in a funk about this, huh?" "I mean, it's really got you down." "Oh no, I'm not down." "She was just convenient, you know, once a week, very professional." "She took pride in her work." "It's okay for a man to have feelings, Jake." "Stop locking it in." "She gave you a great blowjob and you're gonna miss her." " Why can't you own up to that?" " You're off on this one." "No, I'm not, I'm right." "Look at you, you're in pain." "Your favorite whore is moving on." "It's got to hurt, man." "It's got to hurt." "Nelson, I loved your column on the upcoming senate election." "It was first rate, some of your best stuff." "Thank you." "The only problem is that Steve Neal over at "The Sun Times"" "did the same damn column in today's paper." " Shit." " Shit works." "Need something on my desk before you go home or Advertising's got a big empty space to sell tomorrow." "I'm going out to dinner with my wife for her birthday with all the kids, so..." "And how do you want me to respond, Nelson?" "You want me to get somebody else to pull your weight?" "No, it's okay." "I'll write the column tonight." "Hey sweetie, it's me." "Yeah." "No." "I got some bad news." "# If your thing is gone, and you wanna ride on #" "# Cocaine... #" "Hey." " Hey." " Hey." "# She don't lie, she don't lie, she don't lie #" "# Cocaine... #" "Donna, can I see you for a second?" " Now?" " Yeah, in the other room." "Yeah, okay." "All right, two of them." " Great." " Thank you." "# She don't lie, she don't lie #" "# She don't lie... #" "Jesus!" "Oh, man." "What's going on in there?" "What do you mean what's going on?" "Oh, God." "That's vile!" "Congratulations, now you have a second room to remodel." "I didn't know you were doing this today." " Couldn't I have been consulted?" " Consulted?" "!" "You don't want to be consulted, you made that abundantly clear." "This is now just another in a long line of chances you've squandered to be a partner with me in this." "So don't tell me you want to be consulted all of a sudden." "How did I squander it?" "By being late for one meeting?" "How short is the leash I'm on?" "Pretty damn short if you ask me." " This was just a setup." " Now what are you talking about?" "This whole thing." "With everything we have going on now, trying to have a second kid, and then you start to remodel." "I was doing this because I thought it'd be good for us, but I have no margin for error here, none!" "There's always going to be something going on, Micky, that's who you are." "The remodel, another baby, us." "This is life, Micky, make room for it." "I know I'm failing, okay?" "I know." "I get it." "I'm a fuck-up." "But sometimes I think you want me to fail to make it easy on you." "You want me to be the fuck-up, so you get to be the victim." "Oh, please don't kid yourself there's any upside for me in you being a fuck-up." "Anyone else from land of the giants take a shit in the other bathroom?" "Maybe I do have him on too short of a leash." "Maybe I do want to be the victim, secretly want him to fail." "You just said a lot of things." "Let me break it down for you." "The leash part can never be too short." "The fail part:" "I've never known you to want to fail at anything, so wanting to have Micky fail would mean you've failed to pick a good husband." "It's not you." "There's so much love there, it's just got so hard." "It's made me into such a nag sometimes, and I hate it 'cause I'm so not a nag." "I don't know how we got here." "Well, he said "I do."" "Marriage is ups and downs, honey." "I've seen you guys when you can't keep your hands off each other." " You'll get back to that." " Will we?" " Yeah." " Because I do love him." "I'm not one of these women staying together for the security or for the baby." "I love him, I adore him." "I just want to pummel his face sometimes." "I'd wear the one you had on." "You're right, okay?" "Hey hey hey." "I'm sorry." "I really am, I'm sorry." "I would never set you up to fail." "I don't want you to fail." "I love you, Micky." "I'm sorry too, okay?" "I'm sorry about everything I said." "I love you too." "I really do." "Hey, do you want me to come to the show tonight?" "You're always saying how you want me to come." "Should I come?" " Tonight?" "To the show?" " Mm-hmm." "Is this a good time to ask if I can go to the taping tomorrow night?" "Yeah, I'd love it if you'd come." "Actually, I'm gonna go have drinks afterwards with Ernie and his wife." " So, we'll all go, it'll be good." " Ernie and Geraldine?" "Yeah yeah, we'll have fun." "Oh, come on." "I know you think Ernie's a loudmouth, but he just got back from a fishing trip, and he's got all these dirty jokes I promised I'd listen to." "I'll tell you what, why don't you go and I'll stay, and when you get back" "I'll have a delicious supper waiting for you." "Is that okay?" " Do you mind?" " Really, you don't want to go?" "I'm just so not in the mood for Ernie and Geraldine tonight." "I'll go next week." " Okay?" " All right, okay." "I understand." " You do?" " Yeah, of course." "Thank you." " Here are the notes you wanted." " Thanks." "Hey, Micky?" "So what are you doing after the show?" "Do you want to come over to my place?" "Have a beer or something?" "I'll lock the bathroom door if you want." "Oh, that's funny." "No." "No, I'm gonna go straight home." " Well, you look great." " Thanks, you look great too." " And how do I look?" " Ernie." "Hey, how you doing?" "This is my friend, Missy." " Missy Bartlett." " Oh, I'll say." " Well, you look great." " Oh, that's nice," "I look great." "I think we both look great." "Isn't that great?" "I've got to get me one of those." "Please, Sandy." "A skull and a crossbone on an album, is a flag for a kid to buy." "If I'm a kid, that's exactly what I'm gonna buy, so..." "It's so funny that you said that, because you said if you were a kid," " 'cause of course you're not." " I'm not a kid." "I know what..." "let's do." "We should get a kid out here, see what kids think about this." "Why don't we bring your little friend out, ask her?" "What little friend?" "I have a lot of little friends, what are you..." "Come on, dear." "What's your name?" " What are you doing?" " We want to get someone who knows CDs, knows eight-tracks... whatever kids are calling them these days." "After all, you and I aren't kids." " Come over here." " What are you do..." " No, come on." "Sit down, there we go." " Actually, this is..." "Have a seat." "You two know each other, isn't that right?" "Yes, we work at "The Chicago Daily Mirror" together." " You're a writer at the paper?" " You're colleagues?" "Yes, I work at the paper, yes." "What's your name and how old are you?" "Missy Bartlett, I'm 25 years old." "25 years old." "Can you imagine that, Micky?" "Do you remember what it was like to be 25?" "Where are we going with this?" "We're talking about records." " I'm 25 and a half." " Oh." "Social security starts at 25 and three-quarters now." " You're not a parent, are you, dear?" " No, not yet," " but I hope to be one." " I think she's closer than she thinks." "Hey." "How was traffic?" "Traffic?" "It was fine." "This is really the last time, huh?" "No shit?" "No shit." "God, you're getting married." "Wow." "Well, how about having one special friend, client, whatever?" "Hmm?" "Anything like that in the cards?" "Ha-ha." "Very funny." "Sit down." "Hey, wait." "Oh." "This is sweet, Jake." ""Just Thinking of You."" "That's so sweet." "Sit down." "I'll give you a special sendoff." "Mmm." "Hey." "I just wanted to kiss you." "I realized last night I've never kissed you." "I don't kiss customers, baby." "You know that." "Uh... hi." "Is there any way you could come back later?" "Oh, sure." "Come back later." "Thank you." "No, hello?" "Hello?" "Hi, Daddy." "Surprise, Daddy, we brought you dinner." "You couldn't come to the party, so we brought the party to you." "I love you guys." " I love you." " I love you." "I can't talk you out of this?" "Why would you want to?" "I don't know." "I really like you." "Then be happy for me." "# I'm looking for #" "# The tower of learning #" "# I'm looking for #" "# The copious prize #" "# I saw it in your eyes... #" " What was that for?" " Nothing." "No, 'cause you were nice about me not coming tonight, and because I may possibly have been just a little bit rough on you lately." "Wow." "What was that for?" "'Cause you're amazing." "You are, you're amazing, and I'm a really lucky guy." "I'm really lucky." " We're going to miss your show!" " No no no." " Wait, no no." "I don't want to watch it." " Well, I do." " I don't want to watch it tonight." " I want to see it." "I know, but I want to watch something else tonight, please." "I can't watch this show." "What are you talking about?" "You love watching yourself." "You're the biggest egomaniac I know." "No, that's the old me." "I'm going through a very modest phase." " Come on." "Sit down, there we go." " Actually, this is..." "Have a seat." "You two know each other, right?" "Yes, we work at "The Chicago Daily Mirror" together." " You're a writer at the paper?" " You're colleagues?" "Yes, I work at the paper, yes." " What's your name and how old are you?" " Missy Bartlett, I'm 25..." "# Oh #" "# I want to be bad with you, baby # # l-I, l-I #" "# I want to be bad with you, baby #" "# Do you understand what I need from you #" "# Just let me be the girl to show you you #" "# Everything that you can be is everything that I can be #" "# I want to be bad #" "# You make bad look so good #" "# I've got things on my mind #" "# I never thought I would # # l-I want to be bad #" "# You make bad feel so good #" "# I'm losing all my cool #" "# I'm about to break the rules # # l-I want to be bad #" "# I want to be bad with you, baby # # l-I, l-I #" "# I want to be bad with you, baby #" "# What's up?" "Tell me what to do #" "# How to be, teach me... #"