"When it comes to kids, I know self-esteem is important." "But are we really doing them a favor with all this "touchy-feely everyone wins a trophy even if they lost" stuff?" "And we're so afraid to hurt their feelings that we can't even discipline them anymore." "I am really disappointed in you." "Now clean up that mass murder, go straight to your room, and think about what you've done." "And no dessert." "Okay, maybe one cookie." "You're busted." "Oh, my God!" "Dad You scared me." "Good." "Now you know how I felt for the last hour and a half." "You didn't call." "You didn't answer your cell." "You could've been dead or worse." "What's worse than dead?" "Believe me, there's worse." "So, uh, what's your excuse this time?" "I went to see my friend Keith's band, and they didn't go on until 10:00." "And it just would've been rude if I left in the middle." "Your friend Keith's band?" "Who the hell is Keith?" "He's this guy that I really, really like, and it was really important for me to be there so I could get on his radar." "Look, I don't want you on his radar." "Okay?" "I don't want you on any of his equipment." "From now on, during the week, you have to be home by 10:00." "10:00?" "!" "Are you crazy?" "!" "And don't talk back." "I can't even..." "Get to bed, you have school in the morning." "Fine." "What the hell are you doing up?" "It's after midnight." "I'm just chatting online with my friend in Japan, Shigetoshi Takanowa." "What?" "He just got back from school." "Look, we talked about this." "Okay?" "If you stay up all night, you can't get up in the morning, and you can't afford to be late for school anymore." "Okay, now go to bed." "But I didn't get to..." "And don't talk back." "Whatever." "Huh?" "What?" "I'm sleeping." "Hillary was late again." "If you're not talking about her period, I'm going back to sleep." "Ah, she just doesn't care, you know?" "It's like talking to a brick wall that every guy in town wants to feel up." "And Mike, he stays up all night talking to his friend, Mitsubishi, then he can't even wake up." "Can this please wait until morning?" "Fine." "It's like they don't even hear what I tell them." "Or-or they just don't care." "And you know what?" "I'm tired of it." "You know, when I was a kid, I wouldn't dare talk back to my dad." "You know why?" "'Cause I was afraid of him." "But we're so concerned with the kids liking us, now they see me as their best friend instead of the authority figure that I am." "Um, Dave?" "I'm pretty sure if you asked them, they wouldn't consider you their best friend." "In fact, not even a "top five" friend." "I'm just so sick of them talking back with their fresh mouths." "What?" "You think I like that they talk back?" "No." "Am I glad they feel comfortable enough to tell us how they really feel?" "No." "Nah, nah, you know what the problem is?" "They have no fear." "Okay?" "They're not afraid of us." "They're not afraid of their teachers." "They're not even afraid of God." "That's our fault." "We never took the to temple or to church." "Hey, maybe that's a good punishment make them sit through Sunday mass." "You know what?" "I'm Jewish, the Jets are playing you take 'em." "Hey, Dad, I need you to sign this math test." "You failed?" "No my teacher just wants your autograph." "He's a big fan of mid-level insurance salesmen." "Hey, this isn't a joke." "How could you fail after all that money we spent on a tutor?" "It's first period and I guess I might've missed some classes." "Okay, then you can forget about the father-son ski trip next month." "S weet." "I've been trying to think of a way to get out of that." "You see what I'm talking about?" "I-I hope you didn't go to school dressed like that." "Of course not." "I wore my hair down." "Is that a tattoo?" "A what?" "No, it's just a henna." "It'll come off... eventually." "I think." "It's no big deal." "No big deal?" "It says "Crack Whore."" "That's Keith's band." "Okay, you know what?" "You're not seeing that guy again until I meet him." "And I'm guessing after I meet him you're still not seeing him." "Fine." "Then I guess you don't want me going to school because I see him there every day." "I could just drop out." "You know what?" "Are you going to sign this test, or should I just forge it?" "Do you not see me having..." "You know, you're at work all day." "I can see who I want, when I want." "All right, all right, all right, that's is it!" "Okay?" "Okay?" "Apparently, you kids have forgotten that we are the parents." "Okay?" "So to remind you of this, we are instituting a "zero tolerance" policy, effective immediately." "If anybody misses their curfew, or doesn't do their homework, or talks back, or just looks at us wrong, they are getting a spanking." "Oh, my God." "Are you serious?" "You think this is some kind of joke?" "Do you?" "Just try me and see what happens." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Eh." "Now who wants to mess with me first?" "Yeah." "That's right." "That's what I thought." "Remember, I'm the stallion." "Okay?" "You're nothing but ponies." "What the hell was that about?" "Pretty good, huh?" "It just came out of me." "Just put it back in." "You don't understand." "See, I'm taking back control." "Honey, in case you haven't noticed, the kids are big, and they outnumber us." "I think the spanking ship has sailed." "Has it?" "Oh, my God, are you were serious?" "You'd actually spank them?" "No." "Of course not." "Oh, thank God." "But they don't have to know that." "Come on, sweetie, I supported your stupid swear jar idea." "What?" "We put a dollar in a jar." "We didn't hit them over the head with it." "I'm not going to hit them." "It was just a threat." "See?" "This is just what we need." "I created a total climate of fear." "Yeah, you're sure as hell scaring me." "Hey, guys." "Hey, Dad." "How's that project going, Larry?" "It's good." "I'm making an RNA molecule." "If I can get the covalent bonds between the nucleotides to..." "Yeah, yeah." "Knock yourself out." "Are you actually studying on a Saturday?" "Yeah, just trying to catch up on some of this math." "Guess what, Dad?" "Keith finally asked me out, but I told him that you had to meet him first." "All right." "Good attitude." "Bring him by later." "Yeah." "Order yours now and I'll show you how to threaten your way to a happy home." "Call 516-507-2370." "That's 516-507-2370." "Now." "Who the hell broke my putter and tried to superglue it back together?" "It wasn't me." "I didn't touch it." "Me neither." "Superglue." "Interesting." "Isn't that interesting, Larry?" "You want to tell me what happened?" "Huh?" "Okay." "Kenny and I were playing gladiator, and I sort of used your putter as a sword." "But the good news is, I did vanquish the enemy and cast off the shackles of servitude." "A-A-Are you nuts?" "Do you have any idea how much this cost me?" "I am so pissed right now, I-I don't even know what to do." "Hey, here's an idea." "Why don't you spank him?" "What?" "That is the new policy, right?" "I mean, Larry used something of yours without asking." "Yeah, well..." "And he lied by telling you he didn't break it, so technically, that should be two beatings." "That's true." "Dad, I'm really sorry," "I'll buy you a new putter... somehow." "You're damn right you will." "Whoa." "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "Dad." "You're not going to hit him?" "I knew it!" "I knew you would never hit us." "You're all talk." "Hey, Hillary, maybe he's just afraid that Larry is such a fierce warrior, he's going to vanquish him." "Why are they doing this to me?" "I-I don't want to spank them." "I don't want to spank anyone." "I-I just want them to listen to me." "Okay, Larry, stand up." "You're getting a spanking." "What?" "Oh, come on!" "I said get up right now." "But..." "But I said I was sorry, and I never do anything wrong!" "You knew the rules when you broke them." "What... what..." "Dad, what are you doing?" "!" "Stop it." "Yeah." "All right, get ready, Larry." "Wait, wait!" "I know... what if I just use a big backswing, and a little follow-through?" "It'll look painful, but it won't really hurt, you know?" "Like in pro wrestling." "Oh, my God!" "Oh, my God!" "Oh, my God!" "I can't believe you just hit me." "What the hell is wrong with you?" "!" "Hi." "What happened?" "What happened?" "Nothing happened." "What, do you think you leave the house and everything falls apart?" "Nothing happened." "Dad just beat the crap out of Larry." "You beat the crap out of Larry?" "No." "Of course not; don't be ridiculous." "It was just a spanking." "Hey, did you get those Tofutti Cuties I like?" "I cannot believe you hit our kids." "What is wrong with you?" "They called my bluff." "What was I supposed to do?" "Oh, yeah, Dave, that makes sense." "Anytime anybody calls your bluff, you should just beat the crap out of them." "Come on, it was just a tap." "I wouldn't ever actually hurt him." "I barely even touched him." "Sweetie, where are you going?" "Dad beat me up, so I'm moving to Kenny's." "Beat you up." "I'm not going to live in a house where I have to sleep with one eye open." "I barely even touched you." "It was nothing." "Come on, tell her." "Honey, honey, can't..." "You." "What?" "He did what?" "He hit me." "Three times, really hard!" "Okay, it didn't really hurt, but it was humiliating." "He just thinks he can get away with this 'cause he thinks I'm a wuss." "Well, I showed him." "I packed my bags and walked right out of there." "That is very unsettling." "So can I stay here with you guys for a while?" "You can stay as long as you want, right, Mom?" "Of course." "Now, Kenny, do your homework and your chores, then you can watch 15 minutes of TV." "Thanks, Mom." "15 minutes of TV?" "It's not so bad." "So, which half of That '70s Show do you want to watch?" "Mr. Gold?" "Yeah?" "I'm Eartha Marshall." "I work at Child Services." "No, thanks, I already have three." "I'm told there's been an incident." "And then he said he didn't care if he even went on the father-son ski trip." "And then Hillary, she comes in with this henna tattoo." "And I had to do something to get back control." "Why aren't you writing that down?" "Next question:" "When you hit Larry, was it open-fist, closed-fist, with a belt?" "It was with remorse." "There was no fist at all." "It was a love tap, really." "I just gave him a little swat on the butt." "That she writes down." "Look, nothing happened." "This is totally being blown out of proportion." "So you witnessed the incident?" "No, no, I wasn't around." ""Mother not around."" "It's you." "Is Larry here?" "Maybe he is, maybe he isn't." "Just get him." "What do you want?" "I'm here for Larry." "Larry, quickly lock yourself in the bathroom!" "I will call nine hundred and eleven." "What's the matter with you?" "Larry, come on, okay?" "Let's go home." "This is my home now." "Oh, you're being ridiculous, okay?" "I want you to come home, right now." "Or what?" "You'll cut off his feet and put them up on sticks, huh?" "Barbarian." "Oh, I barely touched him." "And I know it was you who called Child Services, you whack job." "Dad?" "Okay, so you wanted to meet Keith, here he is." "It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Gold." "You're Keith?" "Uh, yeah." "Yeah?" "Crack Whore Keith?" "Uh, you know, actually we changed our name." "It turns out there was another band named Crack Whore, so now we're calling ourselves The Grateful Dead." "Isn't he great?" "Yeah, yeah." "You're, uh... you're not all that I pictured." "Your hair's not that long." "You smell okay." "Your pants aren't hanging below your ass." "You know, sir, I understand why you'd have that impression, but that's not me." "I'm a straight-A student." "I'm going to Princeton in the fall." "Ah." "Princeton, huh?" "Yes." "And, hey, don't worry, I'll treat Hillary with the respect she deserves." "Ah." "Well, you better treat her better than that." "Oh, I'm just teasing you, sweetie." "Oh, it's just a joke." "And, hey, I promise you, if her curfew is 10:00," "I'm gonna make sure she's homeat 9:58, all right?" "Keith, will you marry my daughter and make me the happiest man on Earth?" "What do you mean you're coming home?" "You can't; it'll ruin everything." "But I hate it at Kenny's." "His parents make me do chores, and they don't let me eat candy or drink soda." "I'd rather be hit." "Larry, you can't let Dad win." "Our futures depend on this." "Actually..." "Dad really isn't that bad, especially compared to most of my friends' fathers." "I mean, how horrible must we have been lately to make him hit us?" "Me." "Make him hit me." "Maybe we should just cut Dad some slack you know, not give him such a hard time." "Do not go soft on me!" "Okay?" "Larry getting his ass beat is the best thing that's ever happened to us." "It's not the best thing that's ever happened to me." "This isn't about you." "Look, now that Child Services has a file on Mom and Dad, they're totally powerless against us." "And if Larry gets Dad to apologize, he'll be a completely broken man." "We'll have total free rein." "But I want to come home." "I want soda." "I want to watch The O.C." "Are you forgetting what Dad did to you?" "Are you going to be a wuss and let him get away with that?" "Hey, don't call me a wuss!" "You're right, I hate Dad." "That's right, you hate him, all right." "He ruined your life." "So go back there, stay there, and stay angry." "I will." "Yeah, you will." "I mean, who decided all of a sudden that giving your kid a little swat on the behind was child abuse?" "It's crazy." "Tell me about it." "Your father spanked you when you were a kid, right?" "Many times." "And it didn't "permanently damage" you, did it?" "Not at all." "Exactly." "And you've spanked your kids, haven't you?" "But you did threaten to spank them, right?" "No, Dave." "I love my kids." "I'd never hit them or threaten them with violence." "I did spank my wife once, though." "But in all fairness, that was her idea." "Look, you didn't deserve to get spanked." "You're a good kid, and it won't happen anymore, okay?" "So I want you to come home now." "I don't think so." "Come on, Larry, I apologized, all right?" "I want to go home, and I want to go home right now." "Why should I care?" "Because I'm your father, and I said so." "Not good enough." "Larry, look, I'm going to count to three, okay?" "And if you don't go inside and get your stuff..." "What, you're gonna hit me?" "Just do it, okay?" "One... two..." "Back off!" "That's it Larry, you're gonna do what I tell you to do, and you're going to do it now." "Get out of my face!" "Larry, I'm not playing around..." "What the..." "I'm bleeding?" "Well, I apologized to Larry." "Hope you're happy." "Thank you." "Okay, honey, I want you to come home now." "I-I can't." "He hates me now." "Dad must get mad at you sometimes." "What do you do to make him forgive you?" "Yeah, that's not going to work for you, Larry." "Can't you at least talk to him for me?" "Well, this is something you're going to have to do yourself." "I think this is one of those man-to-man things." "Great, not only do I have to talk to him, I have to be a man, too?" "Honey, you can't stay here forever." "I don't know about that." "That better be a can of goat milk." "All right, let's go." "Dad?" "Yeah." "About before, um..." "Well, I..." "I didn't mean to..." "I didn't know what to..." "Forget it." "What?" "Don't worry about it, okay?" "We're good." "Really?" "Yeah." "Oh, okay." "Dad?" "Yeah." "Thanks." "To be honest, I'm proud of him." "When he punched me, he became a man." "If you overlook the running away and squealing like a little girl part." "Mom." "I thought you guys were going to the movies." "Yeah, we were going to, but then your dad found out it was subtitled, and suddenly, he was too tired." "Ah!" "Who's this little angel?" "Hey, hey, Keith." "Hey, who do we have here?" "Who is this little Oh, my goodness gracious." "Look at this little baby." "You are so sweet." "Yes, you are." "Is this your little sister?" "She's so cute." "Oh, actually, she's not my sister." "Oh , really?" "She your little niece?" "No, um..." "You know, she's actually... uh, well, she's kind of... you know, my daughter." "He has a baby?" "Did I not mention that?"