"Okay, gas, electric, and cable..." "Jessica, do you have anything to contribute?" " They're not all legal tenders..." " There we go." "...but they have value, like..." " Sure." " That's five dollars." " Five." " Library card..." "Library's not just for books." " Library card." " You can check out CDs." " This is a fortune." ""You are lucky and success."" "How ironic." "That's going right to the gas company." "Paid in full." "Jess, we can't keep covering for you." "I understand, it's just that, um recently I went through a, uh, life change, where I was fired." "Maybe I can borrow the money from my good friend Winston?" " I really wish I could but, uh, I'm a single man now, so basically I have to be able to trick women into thinking I can buy them stuff." "Okay!" "Here is my share." "To the penny, yeah!" " I'm not the poorest!" " Second." "Now you're the poorest." " Gotta be rock bottom." " I got it." "I'm shutting off the gas until you can get me the money." " What?" " Don't scapegoat me." " I just gave you money!" " It's called tough love." "No more handouts." "What are you gonna do about it?" " How are you gonna pay the gas bill?" " I don't know." "I got an idea, get a job!" "School's already started." "I have a lot of decisions to make about my resume." "I have to choose a font, spacing, columns..." "Just update your résumé, you ninny." " Did you call me a ninny?" " Yeah!" " Because you're acting like a ninny!" " Don't call me a ninny, I'm PMSing." " Yucky." " Oh, no, I don't wanna hear that." "I feel like I've laid a million eggs and they're all hatching." "I feel like I wanna murder someone and also I want soft pretzels." " You know, I feel the same way." " Shut up!" "Shut up, you, because I don't wanna hear it!" "I've had it." "If any of you cross me, I'm gonna kick the testicles clean off your body." "Clean off!" "You'll look like Ken Dolls down there." "Because that's where I'm at right now." "Now, which one of you guys wants to tell me to get a job?" "Hmm?" "Who wants to look me in the face and tell me to get a job?" "Whatever." "Whatever?" " What does that mean?" "Huh?" " Whatever." "It better mean "whatever you say, Jess."" "I don't think it's fair that women have an excuse once a month to act irrationally angry when the rest of us have to keep it together." " You're irrationally angry 365 days a year." "What are you talking about?" "I will push if I wanna push!" "Come on!" "I hate doors!" "That's just your personal opinion." "I don't have anger issues." "You guys think I do?" "I wouldn't exactly call it an issue, an issue's something you can fix." "You been that way since I can remember." "This is some watered-down nonsense." "You're some no good shysters!" "Unrelated note, I've just decided to take a walk." "Fine, leave!" "Now, if you'll excuse me I'm gonna go get a job like it's my..." " Job?" " Shut up!" " Who's that girl?" " Who's that girl?" "It's Jess" "Please don't do that, sir." "Please, I'd love to sit by myself right now." "There's something real creepy about you, pal." "You wanna get weird?" "Let's get weird." "You got a nice face." "Anger problem?" "Living with them, are you kidding me?" "It's frustrating." "It's, like, just get a job." "I like your hat." "I like how it's not a team or a logo, it's just blue." "Would you rather be covered in fish scales or feathers?" "Scales?" "Why, you weirdo?" "You wanna see me jump really high?" "I'm afraid of dying, man." "Who am I?" "!" "The enemy is in me, the enemy is the inner me." " Ha-ha-ha!" " Do you understand a word I'm saying?" "You just nod at everything." "Ha-ha-ha!" "I need to change, and you showed me that." "I have an anger problem." "Thank you." "Can I get a hug?" " Got a story for you guys." " Ooh." "I met someone at work." "Emma Sharp, divisional VP of all North America." "What are you doing in the break room?" "This break room is in North America, isn't it?" "That means I'm the vice president of it." "I am the vice president of everything in North America." "Sounds like sexual harassment." "Robby, there's a fine line between that and something awesome." "Thought you hated your coworkers, you said..." "Pant-suited corporate she-hulks?" "I know." "Emma is the craziest woman to ever hit on me." "Schmidt, you're such a nice guy." "You deserve a girl who respects you." " A nice girl." " I'm not into the nice thing." " Doesn't do it for me." " I thought so too." "Until I found, uh, this one right here." " Heh." "You mean Cece?" " You think that I'm nice?" "No, I think you're the nicest." "Hmm." " Robby." " Heh-heh-heh." "Yes, the man just left." "He turned off the gas." "I'm refusing to pay my gas bill as a matter of principle." "You'd like me to take the survey?" "Of course I'll take it." " Schmidt?" " Yeah." "Can I share something with you man to man?" "You have to promise you will not laugh." "You're not talking to Nick here, you're talking to Schmidt." "Schmidt, I think I'm getting my period." " Okay." " This is a real thing, okay?" "I looked it up on the internet, it's called sympathy PMS." "Apparently this is an affliction that men suffer from all the time." " I know." " I don't know how it happened, man." "But somehow I got on that woman's cycle of menstruation." " And I got that menstruation inside of me." " Winston, men can't get their periods." "Where would they put the tampon?" "Are you calling me stupid?" "You're stupid." "Okay, you jack-faced butthole." "Who's the jack-faced butthole who turned off the hot water?" " What have you done to my body?" " Shut up, you." " Why's there no hot water?" " I'm sorry, Jess." "If you don't pay, you don't play." " You also don't shower." " Are you serious?" " Thank you, Denise." " Hey, great buddies." " Ow, my skin!" " Okay." "Roommates, hey." "Something wonderful happened to me today, and I am no longer angry." " It's gone." " Shut up, Nick." "Let me get this straight, nothing is gonna set you off?" "That's right." "Nothing's gonna get to me because it's a new Nick Miller." " Hey, Winston, tell him what you have." " Sympathy PMS, it's real, I looked it up." " What's that?" " No!" "PMS is mine!" "Stop stealing, Winston!" " You have a pre-menstrual something now?" " Yes." " Okay." " It's like a character in a Judy Blume novel." " You can't have my menses!" " He's got her menses." "No part of this conversation is making me want to boil over." "I feel really good, guys." " Why's the water cold?" " Schmidt turned off the hot water because it's not enough I have an interview, with the red devil in me I also have to go unshowered." " So there's no hot water in the house?" " Yeah." " Ha, ha." "Seems strange." "Maybe a cold shower will wake you up to some harsh financial realities, Jessica Day." "You don't get to control my heat, Theodore P. Gasbag!" "Good, we got a lot of feelings going around." " Lot of anger." " You." "You're suddenly calm..." " Yeah." " Really?" "Feels like a fat man's sitting on my uterus." " I hear that." " Aah!" "Aah!" "Gotta go to the store, does anyone want anything?" "Thank you, Denise." " Hey, you wanted to see me?" " Shut the door." "Quick reflexes." "Good." "I am going to devour you." " See that contract?" " Oh, the thick one?" "With all those tabbies?" " Do me on it." " Pick that up." "Did you just ask me to pick it up to see me bend over?" " No." " Oh, wait, I'm doing it." "Stand up." " What is this?" " Sign it before anything can happen with us." ""Party A absolves Party B of any psychological trauma whether temporary, permanent, future, or imagined"?" "After we do it, you'll wanna talk, I can't allow that." "The less risk I incur, the more I can focus on creating a viable sexual experience for us." "You're gonna want to sign it." ""Possible exposure to lead paint." "Do I have a latex allergy"?" " Very important." " "Guaranteed mercury poisoning"?" " Mm." " Is this real?" "You have until week's end to sign it." "What is your name?" "I can't keep thinking of you as my magical best friend with no name." "Joe?" "Tommy?" "Louis?" "Tran?" "Is it Tran?" "What a crazy guess!" "Beautiful name, fits you perfectly." "My roommates are killing me." "You're right, I like them." "I hate myself." "Is that what you want me to say?" "Why do you have to make everything so simple?" "How do you just get it?" "How do I become you?" "Show me the way, man, I'll do anything." "All right, man, I'm in." "You lead, my man." "All right, whatever's about to happen is gonna happen." "Jessica Day?" "Why do you want to teach adults?" "I think it's really inspiring that they've chosen to go back to school they want to read "To Kill a Mockingbird."" " That they want..." " Oh, I named my dog Boo after..." " After Boo Radley?" "That's amazing." " Exactly." " Oh, my God." " There's Boo as a puppy." " She's so cute." " I know, such a cutie." "This cup is so tiny." "So cute." "Sorry, how did she fit in the cup?" "I just don't understand..." "Just, physically, how'd she get so small?" "I'm sorry, um..." "I'm sorry I got this." "I don't know what's wrong." "So weird." "Never happens to me." " She's really cute." " Yes, she was." " Did she die?" " It's fine." "It's been two years." "Puppy in a... : cup:" "So, heh-heh, we're both dog people, right?" " Schmidt, am I nice?" "Thank you." " No." "Nobody thinks I'm a nice girl." "I'm the mistake." "Oh, Robby." "Midwestern heart, Midwestern body." " I'm the one who messes things up." " I agree with you." "I feel like he doesn't even know me." " You're getting your smell all over." " Oh, my God." " Took me months to get rid of that curry smell." " What happens when he realizes he was wrong about me the entire time?" "He's gonna run away." "I would never run away." "But if I did, I would run way faster than Robby." "Because he's slow." "And I'm fast." "Maybe I'm just not meant for a functional relationship." "You know me, Schmidt." "You don't ever have to be nice around me." "I'm not scared of you." "I mean, I'm bad." "And I do..." "I do bad things." "I don't think you're a nice girl." "I think you're the worst." "Hmm." " No." " No?" "No, I can't do this to Robby." "But you're a bad person, we discussed that." "I'm a bad person, we can totally do this." " No qualms." " I have a qualm." " I have a qualm." " We sold our qualms." " We used the profits to buy perfect bodies." " Robby is right." " I'm nice." " I'm not nice, all right?" "I like Robby, but that is doing nothing right now from stopping me from wanting to kiss you." " Stop." " I don't wanna stop." " Ha, ha." "I really don't." "I will never stop wanting to kiss you." "I am a monster." " I gotta go." " Sure, have fun." " Thank you, I really needed this." " Mm-hm." "And I am a monster." "Okay." "What is this place?" "What are you?" "What would you like?" "What does this mean?" "Let's not do this." "Let's not take off our clothes." "Let's go back to the park where it was goo..." "What do I know?" "We're taking our pants off?" "Okay." "Keep those underwear on, am I right?" "Heh-heh-heh." "Stay on." "Underwear good." "Why are you cradling me like a baby, friend?" "This is not how guys of my generation hang out." "This is a moment that got away from me, my man." "Oh, no." "Oh, that's my butt." "This is intimate." "How did you know?" " You are a huge baby." " Yeah, I am." "I am a huge baby." "Forget it, I'm done." "I'm not getting a teaching job." " Mm." " Just can't go back out there, you know?" "I feel you, Jess." "I took a sick day." "I just stayed at home and did a watercolor of mountains." "You gonna get this every month?" "It's a possibility from all the information I've read on the internet." "Women like you are the alpha." " What?" " You're like the powerful moon and all the women in your life are just latched on to your cycle." "In my case, grown-ass man." "Oh, yeah, good news." "The gang's all here." " Guys just PMSing?" " Not in the mood." "Don't feel like being yelled at, so I'm gonna leave." " Right now I feel very fragile." " I understand." " What's wrong with you?" " I'm no longer angry." "All the anger that used to be inside of me, it's gone!" "It's gone!" "It's gone!" "This is the worst thing I've ever seen." " What is wrong with you?" " Don't." "Period's got you down?" "That is such a raw deal." " Want me to get you a sanitary napkin?" " Ew!" "Okay, I won't get that." "You're okay with pads, or tampons, or whatever you're using?" "Tell me about your day, please." "I wanna get into your universe, so let's rap it out." "Go." "Floor is yours, pal." "Talk, talk, talk." "I wanna listen." " Thirty seconds of direct eye contact." " Stop it, Nick, please." "In three seconds I'll be silent." "One, two, three." " I bombed all my interviews." " What?" "What happened?" "I was sabotaged by my baby box." "Which means I'm never gonna trust anything that comes out of it." "That rules out a family." "I know just the thing you need." "Come with me." "Welcome to the wonderful world of water massage." "You are a piece of seaweed." " You are totally happy." " Ow!" " You're touching my boobs." " I don't mean to." "Bail, bail, bail." " Next move it..." " Oh, my God!" "Relaxing is important!" "Relaxing is important!" " Right there!" " Aah!" " Relax." "Relax!" " Aah!" "Unh!" " Oh, no." " What are you trying to do kill me?" " It worked for me." "I was trying to help you." "Been watching you doubt yourself for months." " I'm not..." " You're doubting yourself, Jess." " It's PMS." " It's not PMS." "You got knocked down." "It's time to get back up." "And get up long enough for one of these bozos to hire you." "I believe in you." "So does that guy." "Hey." "Think you can do that?" "And if you don't, I'm gonna water massage you again." " Can you do that?" " Yes." " Can you do that?" " Yes!" "Jessica Day?" " Yes, I'm here." " Weren't you here the other day?" "Heh." "Weren't you here the other day?" "Yes, I was." "Well, I signed it." "Please note the added provision." "In any autobiographical account of my life, you wanna be referred to as "Moeses Purdue."" "Non-negotiable." "But you're fine with the rest of it?" "Look, I'm a depraved freak and I want to wander into your Narnia of sexual terror and emerge like a freshly birthed calf." " Put your hands out." " Let's do this." "Are you ready?" "I'm ready." "All right." "Oh, yeah." "Okay, interesting technique." " Hold on." " I mean, I can totally get out of this." " You never bound somebody before?" " I gotta start over." "Is this your first time?" " Are you rejecting me?" " I..." "No." " I mean..." " Because legally, you can't." " Now take off your pants." " Okay." " Now!" " All right..." "I got it." "I got it." " Right there..." "Oh." " Should...?" "No, I got it, we got it, hold on, I got it." "I did it." "I did it." "Ladies and gentlemen, drum roll please." "Cut!" "Cut, Nick." "Snare drum." "I shouldn't have to specify." "Jess, that was a cymbal." " Cymbals are part of the drum kit." " Yeah." "Nevertheless, we are gathered here today to celebrate the reemployment of Jessica F. Day." " Not my middle initial." " Who will again be in the classroom with kids." "Actually, I'm gonna be remolding the minds of grownups." "I'm gonna be teaching creative writing to adults." "You're gonna read a bunch of weirdoes' writing?" "Hope you like stories about vampires and bad childhoods." " I do." " You're gonna get them." "I think I speak for all of us when I say that we are thrilled that you will once again have a reason to shower daily." " Yes." " Now, let there be gas." " Yeah!" " Yeah!" "Oh, yeah, there's gonna be hot water in six to ten minutes, fools!" " Yeah!" " Yeah!" "Schmidt!" "Schmidt!" "Schmidt!" " Where's Winston?" " Go get Winston." " Where is he?" " Schmidt!" "Schmidt!" "Schmidt!" "Come on jump around with us." "Come jump with us, Winston." " Sleepy?" " Hey." "What's going on, man?" "I don't really have PMS." "I know." "You're a man." "I miss Shelby." "This is all about your breakup?" "I know just the thing you need." "Oh, no." "Just relax and breathe." "I'll take your shoulders." "I'll take your feet." "This is really weird, man." "Really weird." " Cool vibe, man." " What are you guys doing to me?" "What have I gotten myself into?" "Hey, lady." "Crushing that flute, babe." " How deep?" " And, breathe." " I'm trying." " I'm into that, just chill out." " What are you doing to my leg, come on..." " Just chill out." " Nick!" "What are you doing, man?" " It was a mistake, a mistake." " It was mistake." " This is weird!" " What is...?" "No, no, no!" "Ha-ha-ha!" "Do I look like Aquaman?"