"[ Man Narrating ] 1961." "The Cold War rages... between the United States and the Communist powers." "It is a war of nerves, of threats and bluffs, of military bluster." "Armies and ominous tanks line the streets of Moscow... as do missiles with warheads... carrying the promise of mass destruction." "It is an era of intrigue and espionage." "Soviet spies are routinely trapped and sent to prisons." "Or they are exchanged for American spies... incarcerated behind the Iron Curtain." "Tensions culminate with the shooting down... of an American high-altitude reconnaissance plane... while a U.N. ambassador, Henry Cabot Lodge... shows a hidden microphone the Reds disguised in the great seal at an embassy." "Abroad, often in the midst of bloodthirsty Marxist regimes... tiny islands of free American territory... in the person of United States embassies... carry on round-the-clock efforts to maintain stable relations... often against hostile and aggressive populations." "One slip in the world of Cold War diplomacy... could lead instantly to nuclear disaster." "One such free outpost... deep in Communism's fanatic, totalitarian underbelly... is where our story takes place." "Here in a quaint but sturdy mansion of traditional structure... a dedicated and disciplined group of foreign-service workers... representing the United States government... navigate with patience and skill the treacherous shoals... of international relations in the Atomic Age." "It is in this small haven that negotiations take place... asylum is given and gracious dinners with dignitaries from all over the world... are a part of Uncle Sam's efforts to coexist." "The embassy is run by U.S. Ambassador Bradley Dunston Magee... who is proud to serve his nation... in this poor and hostile environment." " Soon it'll be fall in Paris." " [ Man ] Yes, sir." "I wish we were at the embassy in Paris too, sir." "Well, don't." "Because this is where the war is going to be won or lost with the Reds." " They don't need top diplomats at the Folies-Bergére." " Yes, sir." "I didn't mean to imply that the work we're doing here is not significant." "We've got a job to do, and we're going to do it." " And we're going to do it better than anybody else." " Yes, sir." "Here are those allocations you requested." "[ Narrator ] In addition to Mr. Burns, Ambassador Magee is ably abetted... by Mr.John Kilroy, Yale '49." "And Miss Rosemary Pritchard." "Mr. Kilroy's view of Karl Marx is rather straightforward and simple... and reflects that of Mr.John Wayne." "The only good Communist is a dead Communist." " They're like Indians." " Oh!" " Ah!" " God!" "See, I told you." "It's the fourth one this year." "They think they're dealing with children." "[ Narrator ] Also working under Ambassador Magee... is yet another young career diplomat." "And here our story begins." " [ Knocking ] - [ Magee ] Come in." " You sent for me, sir?" " Sit down." "Yes, sir." "Thank you, sir." "Because of my superior record here, my accomplishments... the leaders of my party are discussing the possibility of a cabinet position for me." "Of course, this is all very hush-hush." "Well, sir, let me say I think you'd be a wonderful asset to the president." "Your broad outlook would appeal to psychotic liberals as well as militant fascists." "Something for everyone." "Don't mind telling you this would be a crowning jewel in a lifetime of foreign service." " Naturally." " Closing the deal, however... will take considerable effort on my part." "You know how it is." "The right dinner parties." "Golf course." "Calling in a few favors." "Naturally, my presence in Washington will be essential." "Sir, I understand, and I won't let you down." "I'm tempted to leave Mr. Kilroy in charge... but I don't think that would look very good image-wise." "Dad" " Sir, I realize that my record at various embassies... has been less than perfect, but what can go wrong in two weeks?" "You were in Brazil for two weeks, and you had them importing coffee." " No, see, that was" " My own son who I raised to be a diplomat..." " was asked to leave Africa." " Don't get worked up, Dad." "Some of the best men in foreign service have... at one time or another, been asked to leave a country." "Africa is a continent." "You were recalled from an entire continent." "I'm not really a natural at it, like you are." "You were hung in effigy in Panama!" "Even I didn't know that." " I told you that." " Yes, but you didn't tell me it was by our own embassy!" "Dad, you've been more than tolerant." " I realize I've had a hard time finding myself." " [ Coughing ]" "Sorry." "A little reflux." "If you could just give me this one chance." " Take this." " That's glue." "You can trust me, sir." "[ Phone Ringing, Distant ]" "Mr. Kilroy?" "In the ambassador's absence, I will be in charge here." "Now I realize there's some discrepancy in our experience... and I don't want that to cause any awkwardness or resentment." "I intend to run a disciplined ship, but a fair one." "Now the word around here is that you don't really approve of me." "Am I to believe that?" "You can speak freely." "I encourage my staff to honestly express themselves... in an environment of open frankness." "So,you know, off the record... what do you think of me?" "I think you're a moron." "Totally unsuited to the diplomatic corps." "Unequal to the task of fighting Communism." "Clinging desperately to a disastrous career... through the good graces of your father's connections." "In short, despite your family's advantages... a born failure." "Ah." "You needn't hide your feelings... just to spare me." "Will that be all?" "Yeah." "Yes." "Th-Thank you." "Thank you for being so candid." "You know, it's refreshing when someone despises you... to hear it phrased so succinctly." "[ Narrator ] And so Ambassador Magee departed for the United States... to pursue the political plum of a cabinet position... in theJ.F.K. administration." "And, indeed, the embassy left in his son's care... did proceed with business as usual." "A daily operation, well oiled over time by Ambassador Magee... functioned almost on automatic pilot." "Visas were handled and renewed." "A complex and detailed discussion that took place... on pressing economic matters went well." "There was even a very successful cocktail reception... for a highly-placed Italian industrialist." "And then on the fourth day, from out of nowhere..." " Yes, sir." " the crisis occurred." "Yes, we are prepared to receive the emir." "Well" "We're giving him the entire third floor." "He's arriving with a few more in his entourage than we expected, but" "Dad, we converted the library into" " [ Gunshots ]" " I'm sorry, sir." "No, I'm sorry." "I couldn't hear you." "There's" "No, if you want to stay a few more weeks, it's no problem." " [ Dog Barking, Gunshots ]" " Yeah." "They're probably just shooting one of their poets." "Now, Dad, everything is fine." "Sir" "Sir, you can relax." "I am carrying the ball." "[ Barking, Gunshots Continue ]" "Okay." "Thank you." "Bye." " [ Siren Wailing ]" " Sir, would you please help us?" "[ All Talking At Once ]" "We're Americans!" "Who else would wear these clothes?" " [ Woman ] We're churchpeople." " Mr. Kilroy!" " Come with me." " Are you all right?" " I'm fine!" "How could you tell him we're churchpeople?" " You know, good people." "[ Chattering ]" " What the hell is going on?" " They were caught in the act of spying." "Oh, man." "Please, please." "You can't come in here." "Calm down." " [ Gunshots ]" " Hand them over to us." "We'll drag them out and shoot them." "This embassy's United States territory." "No one will be dragged out and shot." "Leave the premises at once." "This is an extreme violation of international conduct." "I'm Axel Magee." "I'm in charge of this embassy while the ambassador's away." "Now..." "I'm gonna have to ask you to leave immediately." "Guns or no guns, if you don't go, Mr. Kilroy will throw you out." " [ Axel ] Back up.!" " I think we should issue a categorical denial" "I don't have the facts." "I can't commit to anything without the facts." " [ Soldiers Shouting ]" " I'm in charge!" "This will all be settled!" "You invade our sanctity with weapons?" "You wonder how a brutal dictatorship gets a bad name." " Okay, that's enough." "Come on." " That's enough." "[ Shouting ]" "You have to deny it!" "You can't be indecisive!" "I wasn't indecisive." "I just couldn't make a decision." "Our government has a fixed policy regarding espionage." "Did you tell them we're spies?" "[ Woman ] Will you stop?" "He's always eavesdropping." "He didn't deny it." "They said we're spies." "They say we're spies." "How can I spy?" "With my eyesight, I'm gonna be a spy?" "I didn't tell them you were spies." "First rule, Mr. Kilroy, keep your options open." "First no movie on the plane, now this." "This is all just a simple misunderstanding." "Simple?" "What do you mean, simple?" "How simple?" "If we leave the building, they shoot us." "Is that simple enough?" "First there'd be like a show trial, then they'd shoot you." " Who is this guy?" " Perhaps we should notify Ambassador Magee." " That will not be necessary." " A man takes his family on a vacation... and this is what we have working in our government." " Then they wonder why I don't vote." " I have done nothing wrong here." " Me neither." " Why did you take pictures?" "You knew it was forbidden." "I didn't think they'd see." "I have a Minox." " What did you think when the sirens went off?" " I thought it was lunch break." " What did you photograph?" " Nothing." "The sunset." "If you knew it was a sunset, how could the sirens be lunch?" "Leave me alone because I got a headache." "They're paranoid, and you're a nudge for the whole trip." "You know, he's right." "He is right." "Everything, they hide." "I don't know why I listen to you in the first place." "Every time I listen to what you say, I wind up behind the eight ball." " Here we go again." " A man has a vacation." "He wants to take his family someplace." "I said we'll get a cabana in Atlantic Beach." "Every year it has to be Atlantic Beach?" "To what?" "Sit in the sun and hear you complain about over-freckling?" "No, this is better." "Europe is better." "$6,000 for three weeks of uninterrupted diarrhea." "What's so terrible?" "My brother suggested we see Europe." " He had a wonderful time." " I have to live for her brother." "Do you hear this?" " That's a hot one." " I know you folks are excited" " Sorry." " That's all right." "I gotta get a few facts here." "Yes, Mr. and Mrs. Walter Hollander." "Newark, New Jersey." "I'll give you the facts." "The facts are I get a vacation." "I want to take my family someplace." "So I say we'll go to Atlantic Beach." "We'll swim." "There's miniature golf." "We can play pinochle." "No!" "Her brother says go to Europe." "We gotta go to Eur" "And we must" " He tells us we must go behind the Iron Curtain." "Meanwhile, on his vacation, he went to the French Riviera." "Aren't you interested to see how the other half lives?" "We went with you to the Crazy Horse in Paris." "A striptease joint." "He takes me to where women get completely naked." "Are you comparing Communism to those girls?" "As if he appreciates Europe anyway." "We took him to Westminster Abbey, his feet hurt." "We took him to Buckingham Palace, he tried to make the guards laugh." "We took him to the Sistine Chapel, he never saw the mural." "The mural's on the ceiling." "I can't look up." "I get dizzy." " He had to paint the mural on the ceiling?" " In the Louvre..." "I took him to see the statue of Venus de Milo." "I turn away for one minute, he's caressing the bosom." " She cannot take a joke." " The man is caressing the bosom." "Yes, I felt the statue." "She cannot take a joke." "Have either you ever had any stomach ailments or respiratory problems?" " What is he doing?" " I have this brother-- You see, I have this brother." " He's a wonderful man." " He's a Nazi." " Do you know what you're talking about?" " He should be wearing an armband." " Take my word for it." " Here we go. "Request for Asylum."" "What about asylum?" "I'm a caterer from New Jersey." "What do I need asylum?" "I'm gonna need your passports, and I gotta get some other information." "I'm giving information." "It began with my brother." " He's quite a lovely individual." " They should have hung him at Nuremberg." ""Have you ever bought anything on credit?" What the hell is this?" "What is what I-- What are we doing here?" "A man goes on a vacation-- This is crazy." " You know, here." "Who has the passports?" " That's fine." "Hollander and Blackwell." "I'm a caterer from Newark." "Take my card." "You'll find us in" " Here." " Great." "Do you work, Mrs. Hollander?" "No, no, sir." "I'm an average housewife." "She's a professional mah-jongg hustler." "She travels around with her own tiles in a case." "Okay, now, you innocently snapped some photos?" "Is that" "Yes, we wandered away from a guided tour." " His sense of direction is terrible." " What are you telling him this for?" "Will you listen to me, Mr. Magee?" "He starts out driving to the Catskills..." " and he winds up in the Adirondacks." " She has all the answers." "Then they started to chase you, and you had the good sense to come here." " My daughter had the presence of mind." " It's a good thing she did." "So you could tell her we're spies, 'cause you don't deny it." " I didn't say anything." " My wife should not have to go through this." " She's not a young woman." " What do you mean, I'm an old woman?" "I'm not saying old." "You're not old, but she had bridge work recently." "Look, I just don't think there's anything to worry about." "Sure, 'cause I'm a caterer, not a spy." "Creative catering is our specialty." "We were the first to make the bridgegroom out of potato salad." "He does lovely work." "I'll have to say that for him." "Last month we did an affair." "I made the bridegroom from potato salad." "The head was a jello mold, and there was a clam dip... that we did the rest of the body in." "Fruit punch spouting" " It was a marvelous affair." " Beautiful." "It was." "I should be able to straighten this out in a few days." "A few days?" "What are you, nuts?" "I'm not gonna stay here a few days." "We'll have Mr. Burns set up some cots." "Cots!" "This is getting worse and worse." "I can't sleep on a cot." "I'm a dignified human being with a hernia." "Mr. Hollander, this is an emergency." "We're gonna try the best we can, okay?" "No, I can't stay here." "This is the height of the season." "Sam Blackwell can't run the business without me." "Look, he's a wonderful man." "I have respect for him." "He's my partner." "He's a lovely individual... but the man is a total abject imbecile." "It'll be all right." "Alvin'll come in." "His son'll come in." " He's over 21 ." " Son?" "Who's gonna dress him?" "He's dumber than his father." " I'm sure the business can wait a couple of days." " Folks, that's it for me." "I'm sorry if I damaged anything, but now I'm going to America." "Mr. Magee, what do you think's gonna happen?" " I'm a caterer." "Let 'em capture me." " This is preposterous." "They want information, I'll tell them how to make grapefruit sections." " Mr. Hollander, you can't just go out there." " You know what?" "Let him go." "Go ahead, big shot." "Listen, we'll be in here if you want us." " Go ahead." "There's the front door." " You think I'm afraid to go out?" " I'm afraid" " No." "Why should you be afraid?" "They're only police." "They'll arrest you, torture you." "What's to be afraid of?" " Yeah, I'm afraid." " No." "Mrs. Hollander" "Go ahead." "Go, go." "Get brainwashed." "In your case, it'll probably help." " I urge you not to do anything rash." " Let him go." "Go ahead." " You don't think I'll go?" " Good-bye!" "Go!" "Do you know if any of those guys belong to the Masons?" " Ach, you're starting with the Masons." " The Masons!" " Here they are." "Everything's fine." " Where have you been?" "I'm sorry." "They had me upstairs." "You wouldn't believe what's outside." "Like 1 2 armies all with their guns drawn." " You're all right?" " Yeah, I'm fine, Ma." "I'm fine." "Mr. Magee, this is my daughter Susan." " She was a cesarean." " Pleased." "Axel Magee." " When will we be free to go home?" " Well, home" "Tell her, tell her." "We're liable to be here two, three days." " Two, three days?" "What about Seth?" " Seth?" "Seth." "Our son Seth." "You remem" "Forgive my wife." "In her panic, she forgot that she gave birth twice." "No, no, I-I didn't think 'cause he's at camp." "Camp ends tomorrow." "What are you talking about?" "The kid'll be home." "He'll be unsupervised." "We're here." "He's in the streets." "He'll be running amok." "He'll be raping and looting." "This kid takes after her brother." "Oh, my God." "And Susan's getting married in two weeks." "That's right." "I have a deposit on the hall." "Now what?" "If we're squeezed for time, we'll have to push it back." "That's what." "The date's been set." "We're not pushing anything." "Maybe she's right." "We may be able to push the date back." "So you better call the owner of the Renaissance Luau and deal with it." "What are we talking about?" "Call Donald." " Tell him that" " He'll be worried sick." " Okay, I'll call Donald." "Mr. Magee, what's the longest anyone's had to stay here?" "Uh, we have a priest who came to us for asylum." "He's been living upstairs for a while." "What is "a while"?" " A while." " [ Mrs. Hollander ] How long?" "Uh, [ Exhales ] six years." " Six years." " Oh, my God." "I said let's go to Atlantic Beach." "We'll swim, we'll play pinochle." "No!" "Her brother says go to Europe." " May he rest in peace." " He's not dead." "He will be as soon as I get back." "I saw it." "It was a tiny camera." "I don't understand." "Why is there no electronic surveillance report?" "Unfortunately, they must have discovered the wires." "We're getting nothing." "They don't appear to be spies." "They look like a family." "I wouldn't be taken in by appearances." "Note how careful the executive officer was... to avoid denying any accusation." "Absolutely correct." "What puzzles me is... how he knew to take pictures at that exact intersection?" "There must be spies amongst our own ranks." "I've long suspected people in our own organization." "Leaks now can prove fatal." "I want the photos and I want Hollanders." "What I'm afraid of is that before we can move... they will be used in an exchange for certain agents the K.G.B. must" "Once in our possession, the Hollanders will talk." "And then heads will roll." "So then they shot at Walter, and we raced down the block." "They're horrible Communists... with secret police and those vicious dogs and..." "God knows." "We may be stuck here for years, so save the puzzles." "No, it's really a beautiful place, Carol." "They set up these kind of fold-out beds for us... in this conference room library." "You'd love Mr. Magee." "He's really very attractive." "[ Sighing ] I don't know if I miss Donald." "Don't even ask me that question." "Then I get all confused." "The migraines come back." "So how are things in Newark?" "Elsie?" "Elsie, here's what I want you to do." "I want you to go-- I want you to go into my bedroom... and look under my pillow." "Look under the pillow." "Do you" "There's a small piece of gray flannel." "I want you to take it and wrap it up." "I want you to mail it to me." "Because I'm under tremendous stress... and I know I'm not gonna be able to sleep unless I have my piece of flannel." "Yeah, piece of flannel." "Where I suck the tip." "[ Kilroy ] They're taking a very hard line." "Obviously, it's strategic." "What did Washington say?" "Well, the truth is, I haven't contacted the home office yet." " A formal complaint is in order." " We have time, Mr. Kilroy." "Then I strongly suggest we cancel plans to host the emir." "Our Arab friends can be unpredictable." "I think it would be an extreme loss of face for the emir... if he were suddenly not permitted to be our country's guest." "It's a question of space." "The emir will take up the whole third floor." " Oh." "I'm sorry." " No." "Hi." "Come in." " Are you sure?" "'Cause" " Yeah." "Mr. Kilroy, we can-- We'll work this out later." "As you wish." " Am I interrupting?" "I can come back." " No, it's fine." " 'Cause I don't want to take up too much of your time." " No problem." "I just wanted to thank you for the accommodations." "Everyone's been really nice." " Oh, good." " It's a lovely place to be under the right circumstances." " We'll try to get you out of here as soon as we can." " We really appreciate it." " Your dad is really anxious." " My da" " Oh." "No, he's like that all the time." "My parents" "Well, they're not like that all the time." "I mean... they kind of have a funny way of communicating with each other." "Deep down, they're affectionate." "They really like each other... but, I don't know, what you see is what I envision the Huns to be." "Yeah, well, you know, it's gotta be hard for them." "Oh, would you like something to drink?" "We've got a local white wine." "It's, uh... light, but kind of sneaks up on you." "Oh, I could use something serious." "Thank you." "So" "What do you do?" "Uh, not a lot." "I majored in philosophy at Rutgers... and now I don't feel equipped to do much of anything... except think about the universe, which I do." "I don't know." "I could open a philosophy shop and sell concepts." "[ Laughs ]" " So what do you think about" " What do I think?" " About the universe." " Oh, um-- [ Scoffs ]" "Well, I think it's a, you know, rough place to be... unless, of course, you have someone to share it with." "That makes it easier." " Fortunately, you do." " Yes, I do." "I hope you do too." "Well, I travel a lot." "Suddenly and unexpectedly." "It must be exciting, you know, to be in all those different countries." "Mr. Kilroy said you've been in almost every embassy." "That's really amazing." " He said that?" "Well, not every embassy." " [ Coughs ]" "It doesn't sneak up on you, it just attacks." " You haven't eaten, right?" " Look how quickly I'm talking personally with you." " I don't like to be forward." " Don't be silly." "Wine or no wine, I promise, no more questions." " What school did you go to?" " Harvard." "I wanted to go to art school, but my family had other plans." "Oh. [ Chuckles ] That's too bad." "What does your fiancée do?" "Um, I don't-- I don't have a fiancée." "You do." "[ Chuckling ] Oh!" "That's right." "Look at me." "I'm drunk already." " Notice I'm not asking you questions." " That's all right." " So what does he do?" "Your fiancé." " Oh, Donald." "He's a dermatologist." "We met at Trader Vic's." "I was choking on some cosmo tidbits." "It's actually an interesting story." "He reached down my throat and pulled out a toothpick... with a half-eaten shrimp on the end of it." " Huh." " Later that night, we made love." "Beverly, you heard?" "Oh, no, no." "It's a lovely place." "But if you ask me, whoever dusts doesn't do a good job." "Leave me alone, please." "I don't like European food." "I never liked it." " So I'm a Philistine." " [ Axel ] Do we have a problem here?" "Every dish I name, he says no." "Mr. Hollander, if you have any special request, I'm sure Oscar" "We are 4,000 miles from the United States." "It's a Communist country." "It's 8:00 at night." "I can't get lean brisket!" " Fish!" "What about fish?" " Octopus." "No, not octopus." "Not monsters." " I mean fish, regular fish." " Oysters, lovely oysters." "Oysters are alive." "I don't eat live food." "I want my food dead." "Not sick, not wounded." "Dead." " Thejellied calf's foot." " [ Hangs Up Phone ]" "Marion, you hear this?" "He wants me to eat a jellied calf's foot." "Because of where we are and who we entertain, our menu can be a little exotic." "So plain boiled chicken." "Is that so complicated?" "[ Marion ] Usually he has a very nice appetite." "Look how I can't get a meal here." "I'll come in the kitchen." "I'll make you something." " In my kitchen?" " Don't worry." "I know" "Not in my kitchen." "No one works in my kitchen except me." "The cutlery-- I have everything just so." "My spice rack." "You'll mix up the order of my spice rack." "I'm getting dizzy." "The blinding headaches are returning." " I need some water.!" "Cold water.!" " Marion." "It's good to know our food is being cooked by an outpatient." "I spoke to Barney Silverman on the phone." "Did you tell him not to bother to come to Idyllwild Airport... with the station wagon because we may be six years late?" "Mrs. Hollander, I meant to speak to you about the telephone." "You're free to use the phone as much as you'd like, but if you could limit the calls" "This is nothing for her." "Let me tell you." "She's got to alert everyone in Newark individually like Paul Revere." "I called the Kleins." "They're gonna take care of Seth till we get back." "The Kleins?" "You couldn't pick a worse couple." " Why?" "What's wrong with the Kleins?" " They have orgies." " How do you know?" " I catered one." "Terrible." "These are terrible." "Hey, Ma, Dad, guess who I found upstairs." "Father Drobney, what brings you down here?" "I heard such a commotion today, and I met this lovely young lady upstairs." "These are the Hollanders, Father Drobney." "They came to us today... under much the same circumstances you did six years ago." " Oh, you're refugees." " Refugees?" "You know what I paid for this shirt?" " We were at the Vatican." "We saw your boss." " [ Phone Ringing ]" " Excuse me." " He's got this tiny little room on the top floor." " If it's for me" " So, what, you don't go crazy up there?" "Mm, I'm a guest through the courtesy of your government." "I do not wish to make myself a nuisance." " Can't you leave here?" " Only if there's some drastic change in national policy." "I have friends who could help me escape... but I feel it is my duty to return and someday lead my people once again." "But until you lead your people, you stay in your bedroom?" "Over the years I have developed a hobby," " What do you do?" " Father Drobney's a magician." " I've been practicing for years." "Years!" " That's a wonderful hobby." " Okay, pick a card, any card." " [ Arguing ]" "Don't show me, show your brains." "Let's go." "Pick a card." "I'm not forcing." "Here we go." "Anybody pick a card." "Okay." "How about you, sir?" "How about you, ma'am?" "Pick a card." " I'm gonna pick a card." " Don't matter to me." "Show your brains." "Okay." "Place the card in the deck." "Okay, one." "Your card is..." "the three of diamonds!" " Five of hearts." " Aha!" "Aha!" " So sorry." " Father Drobney has all sorts of interesting things up there." " Don't you, Father?" " Doves." "Ooh, I have white doves." "I raise them." "I transform them before your very eyes." "Bring some of your things down." "I think we'd all like to see them." " Ja.!" "Ooh!" " For entertainment." " We would." "Yes." "Wouldn't we, Walter?" " Would you really?" "Sure." "Why do you think I had us trapped here?" "So we could watch him." "I'll be right back." "An audience!" "An audience!" "I'll do rings, the disappearing handkerchief." "Ooh!" "And my magic billiard balls!" "[ Walter ] Terrific." "It's The Ed Sullivan Show." "Don't go." "I'll be right back." "Please stay." "Don't worry." "You can count on it." "We'll be here when you get downstairs." "Imagine staying in your room and practicing magic for six years." " You'd go crazy." " What about us?" "What if the same thing happens to us?" "Why do you compare?" "We're innocent tourists." "He's a priest." "I'm sure he could get out of here if he made some effort... but you know how it is with those guys." "The one who suffers most gets the promotion." " Okay." "We've managed to retrieve the luggage from the hotel." " Wonderful." " It was 1 9 pieces?" " Yes, thank you." "Mr. Hollander, I think we've solved your dinner problem." "The chef is making you hare." "[ Stammering ] What's "hair"?" " Hare." " What's "hair"?" "Hare's rabbit, Dad." "Hare." "Rabbit." " Pardon?" "What do you mean?" " [ Marion ] It's a rabbit." "[ Burns ] It's the closest thing to chicken the chef could find." " Bunny rabbit?" " It's delicious." "If you don't ask him, he'll eat whatever you put in front of him." "Rabbit, like Peter Rabbit, right?" "Rabbit?" "If I told you it was a chicken, you wouldn't know the difference." "I'm gonna eat a furry object?" "What's wrong with you, Marion?" "There's not a Chinese restaurant here we can order out?" " I'm back!" " [ Walter ] Oh.!" "He's back." "[ Grunts ] I could only carry the small items, but..." "[ Laughs ] it's enough for the first few hours of the show." "[ Marion ] How many hours does the show last?" " Ha, ha!" " [ Walter ] I can't believe this." "Take this, please." "Okay!" "[ Applause ]" "I have dreamed of this moment for years." "What miracle shall I start with?" "I don't know." "Can you walk on water?" "[ Chuckles ] Okay." "Watch this." "Oh." "Ladies and gentlemen." "Nothing up my robes." " Wonderful, Walter." "A tricky priest." " Great." "Nothing... in my cylinder." "Nothing in my cage." "Okay." "Please watch carefully." "[ Walter ] I don't need a vaudeville show." "I need a sandwich." "I place this dove inside the cylinder... and say a few magic words." "And... where there was previously a dove, is miraculously" "Where's my rabbit?" "I had a rabbit." "How do you like it?" "Rare, medium, well-done?" "Hey, that's my rabbit.!" "You!" "You assassin!" " Come back here!" " Stop.!" "Stop this now.!" "This is a United States embassy, and I intend to run it like one!" "[ Shouting ]" " [ Burns ] Your bird." " Take the bird!" "Take the bird!" "[ Narrator ] Days pass, and the situation remains unchanged." "And as the crisis reaches the end of week two, nerves have become frazzled." " Oh, you could do better, Frank." " What?" "And the second floor needs waxing again." " We did wax." " I like it shiny." "I'll show you how." "Mrs. Hollander, will you please remove this ironing board?" "Where should I go?" "If I go into the kitchen, the chef starts to cry." "Dear Seth." "Don't forget to wash... behind your neck... and ears." "Here... all goes okay." "Last night... for the first time in my life..." "I ate sweetbreads." "Also..." " [ Phone Ringing, Distant ] - for the first time in my life..." "I threw up on an antique carpet." "We all miss you." "[ Burns ] Overseas phone call for you, Mr. Hollander." " Well, good." " Mrs. Hollander." "You're using the phone." "Mr. Hollander's on the phone." "Susan is talking with Donald." "All the incoming lines are lit up with relatives calling." "Uncle Saul, Minna, the Chomsky twins." "This embassy needs open lines." "Sweetheart, could you put your mother on for just one minute?" "Try and find out, and I'll call you back in an hour." "Love you." "Thank you." "Sam Blackwell caters a sweet-sixteen party." "Listen to this." "I don't want to hear about this." " Tries to give a bargain on the meats." " I'm not interested." " He tries to buy cheap." "Doesn't use our regular guy." " I'm not listening." "The result is four people go home from the party, they get food poisoning." " Oh, my God." " They're in the hospital 'cause this guy looked to buy cheap." " I'll bet they're suing." " Aha!" "Now you're interested." " Who are they?" " No, you don't want to hear." " Come on." "Tell me." " No!" "I'm not gonna say anything." " You weren't interested." " All right, I'm not interested." "You're not interested." "Why should I tell you?" " Grouch." "Will you answer me?" " No!" "You didn't want to know anything." "Now I want to know." "Tell me." "Are they?" "Are they suing?" "No, they're not suing." " We're suing them for low resistance to tainted meat." " Walter!" "Of course they're suing!" "What do you expect from poisoned people?" " Oh, my God." " If I had Sam Blackwell here, I would crush his head." "Be thankful nobody died." "Good, Marion." "We're thinking of making that our slogan." "[ Phone Ringing ]" " Hello?" " Got such a heartburn." "Yes." "What?" "No." "Uh, yeah." "Hold it." "It's New Jersey." "Sam." "You be nice." "We all make mistakes." "Hello?" "Hello, cretin?" "Hello, cretin?" "Poison any more people, cretin?" "Four more people went." "They're dropping like flies." "Uh-huh." "So what's happening?" "What did he say?" "Uh" " Yeah." "Good, good." "The lawyer thinks they have a case." "Uh-huh." "Murderer!" "Murderer!" "When I" " Oh." "I can't hear you." "Your voice is fading, murderer." "Overseas operator, I can't hear the murderer." "I" " Blackwell." "Blackwell, you're finished." "You're finished." "When I come home, I'm gonna rent a car and run you over." "You'll never cater again." "You've cut your last melon ball." "His Majesty has arrived." "Oh, my God" " Allah." "Uh" "Mr. Magee." "Mr. Magee!" "[ Walter ] Don't call me." "I've got problems of my own." "No." "If you're gonna call, call me with good news." "No" " Black" " Oh, my" "Blackwell, I'll call you later." "What is this?" "Lawrence of Arabia?" " How do you do, Your Highness?" " "Your Highness"?" " You know this guy?" " What are you talking about?" "He's some kind of a sultan." "His Majesty wishes to thank his American friends... for much recent generosity and understanding." "I am aide to His Majesty and his wives." " Wives." "This bunch here is the wives?" " How do you do?" "How do you do?" " Can I take your veils?" " I'm Walter Hollander from New Jersey." "Our flight was a rather rough one." "I hope you didn't have any problem getting past all those police outside." "Walter and I are wanted." "I recogn" " This guy I recog-- The newspapers" "Didn't you people have an uprising recently?" "I understand the ambassador has made arrangements." "I'm right." "All those workers got" " There" " All those workers got killed." "There are two sides to that affair, my friend." "What are you talking about, Walter?" "Something you know nothing about?" "What are you telling me?" "I don't know politics?" "Don't you read the papers?" "This guy owns the most sand of anyone." " Your Highness." " Majesty." "Welcome, Your Majesty." "I'm sorry that we're unprepared." " We've had some problems." " Problems of extreme rudeness?" " What's your trouble, Aladdin?" " Mr. Hollander, leave this room immediately." "No, I'm not gonna go." "Why?" "'Cause this bum has some oil wells?" "I'm an American citizen." "I pay taxes." " You cheat on your taxes." " What has that got to do with anything?" "Even with my cheating, I overpay." "Your Excellency, I'm Ambassador Magee's son." "My father's crushed he has to be in Washington while you're here... but I'm chief executive officer in his absence... and I assure you that the entire embassy is at your disposal." "Listen, I don't want my government doing business with this guy." " I think your government can decide that for itself." " I am the government!" "Listen to this." "He's the government." "Who do you think the government is?" "For crying out loud." "Our government is little people like you and me." " Maybe not you." " [ Aide ] Perhaps we're intruding in a crisis." " [ Father Drobney Shouting ]" " No, no." "My father" " Father Drobney.!" " I can't get out!" " Mr. Burns, extricate him." "[ Continues Shouting ]" " How many wives does this guy have?" " You don't" "I count 1 4 wives." "How does he ever get in the bathroom?" "I don't know how Houdini did it!" "I want it undone." "I want amends made." "I want him placated... and I don't want anything to reach the press." "Axel, I knew it." "I knew it." "Yeah, but, Dad-- Okay" " Dad, no, no." "No, I think it's been kept pretty well under wraps." "It is a crisis." "No, it's a crisis... but so far, it's our own private... crisis." "God save your life if this becomes public." "Any of it." "Any of it!" "Do you hear me?" "The last thing I need is to be on the front pages for the wrong thing." "And, Axel." "If relations with the emir become compromised..." "I have friends at the Pentagon who owe me a favor... and they will aim an ICBM at you." "I-I appreciate that." "Good-bye." "Oh, hi." " Hi." " What have you got there?" "You hungry?" "Oh, no." "Actually, it's for my dad." "He didn't eat dinner tonight." "The chef made squid." " Yeah, I was just talking to my dad." " Oh, really?" "Yeah, he wants Mr. Kilroy to take over for me." " That's not good." "Is that what he said?" " Yeah." " Oh." " And the fact that he regrets having had intercourse... with my mother one particular night many years ago." "[ Chuckling ] Sorry to hear that." "So how are you guys doing?" "You all right?" "I'm sorry." "We're doing everything we can to get you out of here." " Thanks." "Thank you." " The nicest people, you know?" "[ Together] A lot of red tape." "Actually, um, I've had the opportunity to do a lot of soul searching." " Good." " Yeah, it is good." "I've made a really big decision." "I've decided not to marry Donald." " You're kidding." " Yeah." "Do you believe it?" " How come?" " [ Sighing ]" "I don't know." "I mean, it's not that I don't like him." "He's a great guy." "He's really brilliant." " A doctor." "Yeah." " He's gonna make a name for himself someday... in the area of hair transplants." "It's fine for him, I just-- I don't know if it's for me." " You don't need any." " [ Laughing ]" "Seems like a hasty decision." "Well, I don't know." "You think?" "I figure if I'm not 1 00% sure" " This is the rest of my life we're talking about, you know?" " That's true." "Yeah." "So I've already told Donald... and now I just have to tell my parents." " You phoned him?" " Yeah, I phoned him, and I told him." " Wow." " Yeah." "Must have been crushed." "I don't know." "I'm not sure he wasn't secretly relieved, you know?" " I can't believe that." " It's my father... who's gonna have a heart attack or a stroke when he finds out." " Something." " He like Donald?" "Well, compared to the other guys I've gone out with" "I mean, Donald" " He is." "He's the answer to a father's prayer." " How many guys have you gone out with?" " Oh,just a few." "You know." "My father never really appreciated my taste in men, you know?" "The draft dodger, um" "I went out with a Buddhist ex-convict." "He didn't like that." "There was a manic-depressive jazz musician." "My mother loved him." "But it's just my father." "He's hard to please." " He must really hate the suburbs." " Yes and no." "You know, um, a fortune-teller... actually once told me that I'd meet the man... that I was gonna marry under special circumstances." "She just said that, and I said "What's this special circumstance gonna be?"" "And... then at Trader Vic's... when Donald pulled the shrimp out of my throat..." "I figured this is special, so I thought it might be him." "You know?" "And, I don't know, call me crazy." "Now I have this feeling it might be you." "This from a person who listens to fortune-tellers." " Well" " Me?" " You." "Well, these are special circumstances." "Actually, the way I see it, it's a once-in-a-lifetime experience." "Less, if you're lucky." "I mean, you know, the corniest movie writer... would never think of having two people meet... in an embassy like this." " I never really thought about getting married." " Here we are." "I don't know if I'd be that good at it." "Well, uh, do you believe in fortune-tellers?" "I don't think so. 'Cause I saw this one at a carnival once... and she told me I was gonna be the next Michelangelo." ""The next Michelangelo."" "Didn't happen." "Well, you're still young." "Maybe my fortune came true." "I'm goin'stir crazy." "I gotta get outta here, Marion." "Relax, Walter." "I wanna go to the country." "I wanna take a walk and see the trees and smell the flowers." " You hate the country." " I can't stand it." "I miss the theater and the ballet." "We haven't gone to the theater or ballet in 20 years." "That's not the point." "I can't see any baseball." "I can't get an egg roll." "You know I'm lost without my urologist." "Calm yourself." "Do some more situps or something." "I can't." "I'm seeing spots in front of my eyes." " That's 'cause we played dominoes." " I'm sick of dominoes." "Last night I dreamt that I was running down Times Square... completely naked, stark naked." " I was cool and free." " Yeah?" "What happened?" "What do you mean, "what happened"?" "They arrested me." "They took me away, put me in an institution." "Well, sure." "Who tells you to run naked?" "What is it your business what I do?" "Okay." "I came with one balls." "Now you're going to see one ball, two balls... three balls, four balls!" "[ Father ] Milk.!" "Paper, paper does not hold milk." "Oh, but my paper will hold the milk." "Yes!" "Here we go." "Okay." "Milk is going." "The milk is here." "Well, cow, the milk is dear." "How about a nice big cheer?" "Ha!" "Yah!" "Okay, one." " [ Applauding ]" " And two and three." "Now you see them, now..." "you don't." "Just be careful... of the phone." "[ Snickering ]" "Okay." "One, two, three!" "Yes,yes, the bird's coming." "Here comes the bird." "Here comes the bird." "Okay." "The magic words are simple." "One, two, three." "Here comes the bird." "Ah!" "It's" "[ Marion ] Dear Seth." "We're still stuck here." "I'm okay." "Your father... is showing... a little strain." "No more snails." "No more snails, you understand?" "No snails, no tripe, no more aspic." "No more aspic." "No squid, no brains, no horse meat." "You got it?" "[ Susan's Voice ] "Dear Debbie." ""In many ways I have found this to be a very romantic place." ""Last night I happened to doze off in the living room..." ""and when I awoke, Mr. Magee was on the phone... and I overheard him. "" "[ Axel ] Well, her, uh-- [ Clears Throat ]" "Her name's Susan, and she's, uh... really lovely." "I" " She's charming, she's sweet and, uh" "I-I was" " I wanted to kiss her the other night." "Her lips were chapped, and I didn't want to cause her any pain." "Yeah." "I'm really gonna miss her when she's gone." "[ Narrator ] Weeks go by... and through elaborate behind-the-scenes negotiations... a spy trade is arranged." "Exchange." "I won't hear of it!" "The Hollanders for two top-level Soviets." "They leave tomorrow." "Did you explain they're crucial to me?" "We believe them to be a wealth of information... regarding disloyalty in our own ranks." "The interests of the Soviet Union... come before ours, comrade." "Son, we're coming home today." "They arranged a trade." "Yeah, well, we all miss you." "I'll see you later today." "Okay." " [ Hangs Up Phone ] - [ Sighing ]" "I called Donald last night." "You called Donald?" "Don't you think that that's Susan's business?" "Why?" "Why should it be Susan's business?" "She neglects him, and he's gonna be my future son-in-law." " Why shouldn't I" " You know." " What did he say?" "He said nothing." "He wasn't home." "I got his answering service, but that's class." "Marion, that's class." "The man has a service." "I called Barney Silverman." "He rented the station wagon again." "Yeah?" "Well, on the way home from work, he can drop me." "You're not coming home first?" "What do you mean?" "What for?" "You're going directly from captivity to work?" " Why not?" "Why should" " Are you crazy?" "What are you talking about?" "I'll help you unpack when I come home at 7:00." "You haven't seen our apartment in six weeks." "So what?" "Who was there to change it?" "A man hasn't seen his apartment in six weeks... he's going to work first?" "It's Thursday." "I always work on Thursday." "It's a workday." " The business can't wait another day?" " Come on." "Take a hike." " Leave me alone." " Walter, if I cash in our mutual funds..." " will you get mental help?" " [ Groans ]" "Frank, why don't you go ahead, take that down to the front." "We'll be right there." "I... feel like I've just, uh... got to know you, and now you're going." "Well, yeah." "You know, if you're ever in Newark, you have my father's card." "You could always, I don't know, drop by." "The way things are going, that..." " could be my next career stop." " I don't think so." " [ Knocking At Door ]" " I can't understand you." "They've been so nice to us here." "How could you stick the towels in your suitcase?" "I was a deprived child." "I told you." "It's habit." " Give me" " Oh, wonderful." "Now he takes one." "Are you sure it's safe to go out there?" "Mrs. Hollander, I assure you, it's been carefully coordinated." "Mr. Krojack will be with you till the moment you board the plane." "Did you take your hair dryer our of Mr. Burns' office?" " Did you hurt yourself?" " We came to say good-bye and to wish you good luck." " It's a pity you're leaving." " Well, look, if you ever need a job..." "I know a lot of people in New Jersey who'd appreciate your kind of cooking." "And don't worry about the Board of Health, 'cause they'll never catch you." "I may as well tell you, Mr. Hollander, that the veal you had last night... was eel, and you cleaned your plate." "Look in the vase next to the dining room table." "God bless you." "You have made my life richer." "Pick a card." " Eight of diamonds." " Look!" "They're all eight of diamonds!" " So, of course, he gets it." " Sue me." "I think it's wonderful, Father, that a man of the cloth... has a hobby besides just God." "[ Laughs ]" "The exchange is a rather complex one, Mr. Kilroy." "Well, I appreciate your cooperation." "I've contacted the Soviet embassy, and as you know... they have a particular interest in the return of Martin Tolchin as well as Pinchuk." " Right." " I'll see you in a minute, Burns." "Marion, look who's here." "It's your friend." "I don't hold a grudge." "I'm just happy we're getting out." "I'm" " If you ask me, the whole Cold War stinks, anyhow." " His grandparents were Russian." "They loved Russia." " That's right." "They loved it." "They only got out because they heard there was gonna be a pogrom... and they had just purchased new dishes." " Let bygones be bygones." " If I could have my way... you and all those like you... would hang in the public square... as an example to all the enemies of the state." "Say, listen, mister, when was the last time... you propositioned a woman and she said yes?" "You will be jointly accompanied to the airport... and safely put on the plane." "Well, here." "Take my phone number in New Jersey." "If you ever decide to defect, call me 'cause we can always use busboys." "[ Kilroy ] Mr. Krojack, you have a telephone call." "[ Man On Phone ] The trade is off." "Tolchin's a suicide." "Wait." "Do they know that here?" "If the Hollanders have left the building, get 'em back." "Quickly." "And don't create suspicion." "[ Walter] Ah!" "Fresh air." "I can't believe it." "Even Communist air is better than no air." " Oh, uh" " What?" " You know, I, uh" " You have everything?" "No, I don't know if I packed that thing." "You know, the" " The adaptor?" " Yeah, the adaptor." " You didn't take the adaptor?" " No, and it's Mildred's." "I borrowed it." "Mrs. Hollander, can I ask you to wait inside one second?" "I know you're anxious but" " Mr. Hollander, you forgot something inside." " She forgot the adaptor." " No, actually, we, uh" "We have your passports, Mr. Hollander." "We have your passports." "No, you're wrong because I got them from Kilroy 'cause I knew you would forget." "Please, Mr. Hollander.Just one second." "Did you sign our guest book?" "No, I'm never going back into that dump." "I've had it." "I'm going home." "[ Speaking Foreign Language ]" " No, no, no, run!" " [ Gunshots ]" "[ All Shouting ]" "Back!" "Get back!" "Get back!" "No, no, no, no, no!" "Up, up, up, up, up." "I'm gonna blow your brains out if you move." " You're bluffing." " I'm bluffing am I?" "Why don't you try calling it?" "You fool!" "That's a finger." "It may look like a finger, but it's a flesh-colored .45..." " with two joints, a knuckle and a little hair." " [ Women Ululating ]" "They committed suicide!" "The ones they were gonna trade us for." "They had to do it-- This morning they had to pick to do it." " Where do you want these?" " They couldn't wait till the weekend." "It's gonna be a beautiful weekend." "They could have gotten it all in." "See?" "And you wanted to rush to work." "I gotta call Barney Silverman." " I'm drowsy, Marion." " You're drowsy?" "I took a Dramamine." "It's a half-hour before the flight." "What are you lookin' at?" "I'm drowsy." "I gotta get some coffee." "Do you believe it?" "Here we are again." "There's something you should know." "Uh" "I called Donald." "I told him the wedding's off." "[ Marion ] You did?" " I'm not sure I heard that correctly." " She's not marrying Donald!" "Don't make jokes with me, because I can't take jokes, Marion." "I was up all last night." "I didn't sleep a wink." "The emir's aide sneezed on me." "I have camel germs coming out of everything." "I'm not joking with you." "I'm not marrying Donald." " Why not?" " Because she's not in love with him." " What do you mean, you're not marrying Donald?" " I'm not in love with him." " What are you talking about?" " I'm not in love with him." " And I'm talking to her." " So listen to her." "What do you mean you're not?" "How can you not marry him?" "I don't know." "Maybe I never was in love with him." "What do you mean you weren't?" "The man got her an expensive electric razor." " How could you not be in love with him?" " Dad, I'm mixed up." "Don't confuse me more." "You have to marry him." "You're in love with him." "No, Walter." "You're in love with him." "I never said I wasn't." "So what?" "If he was a female dermatologist, you'd be sharing a flat in Paris." "Oh!" "How can you do this?" "I don't know." "I don't know." "He's not romantic enough." "Since-- I find him very romantic." " To you, not her." " You're not the one he's holding in his arms." " So if I let him hold me in his arms, you'll marry him?" " No." "Dad, no." "It's over." "Okay?" "It's over." "Listen to her." "What" " How" "How is he not romantic?" "The man is a derma" "What could be more romantic than a dermatologist?" "It's skin." "He's a skin doctor." "The very words of his profession are romantic." "Nevus." "Rosacea." "Leukoplakia." "It's like Hawaiian." "It evokes the tropics." "Walter, forget it." "Leave her alone." "All right?" "It's" " You know" "This is our only daughter, suddenly abandoned with child." "She's heavy with child" "I'm not with child!" "What are you talking about?" "What do you mean?" "You're not with child?" " I'm not with child." " Since when are you not with child?" " She's never been with child." " Where'd I get the impression she was with child?" "I don't know." "Maybe you're thinking of your sister." " My sister's with child?" " Yes, I told you." "I was on the phone." "She told me." "She's with child." "So we'll have to get her something." "I don't know what we're going to get her around here." " How do you get a baby gift" " We'll get it at the duty free shop." "By the time we get to a duty free shop, the kid's gonna be in college." "You should still marry Donald." "What's the difference?" "So you'll adopt." "[ Reporter] I need you to clear up rumors that all is not well at your embassy." "No, no, that's not true at all." "I heard there's been some kind of a crisis... where American spies have been uncovered by the Reds?" "If there's any spying being done, it's being done on their side." " All goes very well there." "They're very happy there." " All righty." "If you'll excuse me, I'm in a hurry." " Good to see you." " Okay, thanks a lot." "Bye-bye now." "Your Royal Highness, can you feel that?" " Can you move your toes?" " What are you doing?" " It's broken." " Well, then, don't touch it." "Don't move it!" " I won't." "No, no, no." " He shouldn't walk there." "I just waxed!" "Well, I wish you'd quit waxing everything." "I'm holding you responsible for this." "The United States government is extremely sorry about this." " Sorry is not gonna help!" " We have a very fine doctor on staff from Bulgaria." "Well, uh, Dad, unfortunately His Highness had a little accident." "No, it was nothing terrible." "He bro-broke his leg." "I-I don't know what to do." "I ask her, she just keeps waxing the floors." "Mr. Kilroy is now in full charge." "I want the Hollanders out of the embassy." "Do you understand, Axel?" "O-U-T, out!" "Yesterday I had to dodge embarrassing questions by Dean Rusk." "Someone even used the word "cover-up."" "I will not have my life sabotaged by a caterer." " [ Angry Shouting Outside ]" " Well, sir, short of turning them over to the Reds..." "I don't see a way out." " [ Shouting Continues ]" " I can't hear you." "Axel... there are certain tribes that practice infanticide." "That is, if the child is found to be defective... the father has the right-- even the duty-- to kill his son." " [ Mob Shouting ]" " Sir, I can't hear you." "There's some kind of a ruckus outside." " Um, can I" " Can I call you back?" " [ Banging ]" "All of a sudden, it's good-bye successful dermatologist... hello psychotic diplomat." "It's her own life, Walter." "She's 21 !" "Marion, this guy is what we used to call in the poolroom a "loser."" " He's a Harvard graduate!" " Because his father gives money." " That's how he graduated." "But he's a loser." " Walter, don't get involved." "Of all her prospects over the years, this is the single worst." "I prefer every one to him." "Even the draft dodger was better, because he at least was a success." "He beat the draft." "Something." "She was always a little lukewarm about Donald, I felt." "I didn't want to say anything, 'cause" "Hey, what are you doing with the stove?" " [ Knocking ]" " Is this a stove?" "It's a porcelain-tiled stove." "You think Europe has central heating?" " I've been mailing letters in it." " [ Window Smashing ]" "[ Marion Screams ] Walter, come here." " [ Gunshots ]" " Look what's going on.!" " Oh,Jesus, be careful." " Rocks." "They're throwing rocks!" "Away from the window." "Away." "Down, down." "There was a small riot." "If you could please just go to your room." " Quickly, go." "Go." " Aah." "What do we do?" " Go to your room." "Run!" " Try not to get shot." "Maybe you should go outside and address them." "You took a public speaking course." " Should have gone to Atlantic Beach." " Oh, again with Atlantic Beach." " [ Ululating ]" " All wives to the basement!" "All wives, this way." "[ All Shouting, Ululating ]" "Get your valuables." "Get all your valuables." " I got 'em." "Look at this!" " [ Gunfire Continues ]" " Where's Susan?" " [ Axel ] Get away from the windows." " Get away from-- - [ Walter] Where's Susan?" " [ Marion ] Oh, Susan.!" " Thank God." "Kilroy got hit in the head with a brick." " He's lying downstairs muttering something" " God!" "Don't touch that." " It's an explosive!" " [ Ticking ]" " This is a bo" " No, no." "Don't put it down." " The slightest tap could blow us sky-high." " [ Banging, Shouting ]" "My God, it's the emir!" " [ Gunshots ]" " Your Majesty!" "Okay, let's get him in the basement." "Everybody,just stay calm." "Stay away from the windows." "Everybody stay low." "Not you, Your Majesty." " Walter, don't move!" "Hold on." "Just stay still, okay?" " [ Babbling Together]" " I'm calm, I'm calm." "Who's Walter?" " Move as quickly and as surely as-- - [ Wives Ululating ]" "Oh, Your Majesty" "Try not to shake!" "If you shake, it could make it go off" "Just relax." "Everybody relax." " It's still ticking!" "Are you sure you know what you're doing?" "I'm a highly trained professional." " Don't shake him!" " He's shaking." "Just hold on to me." "Okay, shh!" " Shh!" "You're turning it the wrong way." "Get out of the room!" " Take her and go!" "Don't worry about me." " What about you?" "Look out the window, you'll see me passing over the building." "We're not gonna leave you, Walter." "I can't cook with this going on." "A rock just landed in my chocolate" " It's not my fault." " Don't you see what's going on here?" " [ Window Shattering ]" " Don't move!" " It's ticking." "You have three seconds!" " Here we go, here we go." " Ow!" " It's dead." " My hair turned gray." " Walter" "Marion, my bald spot is gray, I think." "Oh, Walter." "Who tells you to pick up strange objects?" " That's how we met." " Ach." " Has anyone been hurt?" " Uh, no, I think we're okay." "How's everyone else?" "Mr. Kilroy, downstairs, got hit in the head with a brick." "He must have a concussion." "He thinks he's the Wright brothers." "The Wright brothers." "Okay, file a complaint with the ministry." "And you better call Washington." "No, no!" "Don't call Washington." "Just remain calm." "Just everybody remain calm." " [ Talking At Once ]" " A bomb!" "I'm okay." "I know the bomb." " It was a bomb." "[ Talking To Himself] "Do what?" "Get that machine to fly."" " "Well, you're crazy." "Yes, but so are you."" " Mr. Burns!" " Sir?" " You better get Mr. Kilroy to his room." " We may have to get him to a hospital." " "What if something goes wrong?"" " You better get him twin beds." " [ Kilroy ] "Stop arguing."" " [ Marion ] Who here wants their laundry done?" " All right, okay." "In the absence of any superiors, I am now in charge of this embassy." "I'm in complete control of everything." "Good, now I feel safe, because I heard him say he was in control." " Go, better help the Russians." " Axel?" " Yeah." " They're not safe here." "That's what this is about." " Mr. Kilroy?" "Mr. Kilroy?" " No!" "Wait, no." "[ Mob Clamoring ]" "[ Laughing ] Okay, nothing up my sleeve." "Right?" "One, two, three" " Here you-- [ Laughing ] - [ Chuckling ]" " Is this good?" " What are you going to do with that?" "Just watch." "Okay." " I-I like this tie, Father." "Me, too." "One of my favorites." "I place here a magic ladybug." ""Ladybug, ladybug, light as a feather... make this tie all together."" "So." " Okay." "All right." " [ Chuckles ]" "[ Humming, Chuckling ]" "Okay." "Okay" " Oh, oh, oh, Mr. Magee!" "One moment, please." " Father, I'm a little busy right now" " Very serious, please!" "[ Sighs ] Okay." " Okay." " Father, what about my tie?" "The reason this did not work is because I'm still learning." "But God bless you." "God bless you, and good luck." "Okay." "Our friends the Hollanders are in danger.!" "That's what you came here to tell me, Father?" "I'm aware of that." "No, no, no, no." "Great danger." "I have information... that the secret police intend to kidnap them from this embassy." "Th-That's one thing I'm not worried about... because there are rules of diplomatic protocol that preclude" "Please, you're dealing with the Communists." "They don't believe in God, they eat too much fat... and they, oh, share bathrooms." "We're trying everything." "Everything means nothing if the Communists don't cooperate." "Mm-mm." "Listen." "Listen to me." "I have decided." "They must escape." " Escape?" " Mm-hmm." " All due respect, Father, but are you nuts?" " No, not nuts." "This is their only chance for survival." "No, we'll get more marines in here." "We'll pack the embassy." "For how long?" "For five years, ten years?" " Twelve years?" "Forget about it." " Look, escape is not possible." "Uh, Houdini escaped." "This is not Houdini." "This is a man who carves... bridegrooms out of potato salad." "Listen to me, I have information." "I have connections." "With the underground!" "With loyal patriots who will take them to safety, to America." " Please!" " How are you gonna get them to America?" " We can't get 'em out of the embassy." " Okay." "I will show you an example." "Give me one shoe." " What?" " Give me one shoe!" " My shoe?" "No." " Mm-hmm. [ Whimpering ]" " Please!" " I'm not" " No, I'm not gonna" " A shoe." "One shoe." " Why do you need my shoe?" "Give me one shoe!" "This is" " This is" " I really don't have time for this." " Thank you." "Please observe." "Watch." "Look." "Okay, I take one eggs." "I place the eggs inside the shoe." "Okay, now." "I take the wand, and I place" "[ Rattling ]" " Apprehensive?" " No, I'm not apprehensive, Father." "Because I saw the egg went up your sleeve." "Wrong." "Listen to me." "Look!" "Okey-dokey." "Misdirection." "And misdirection is how we will get the Hollanders... out of this embassy." "Understand?" "Thank you." "Congratulations, it's a double yolk." "That's good luck!" "Oh!" "[ Susan ] This is a good plan." "[ Axel ] I can't agree." "You'll all get killed.!" "We'll get killed if we stay here!" "I can't believe how much I've screwed this up already." " You have not messed this up." " My father's right." "I'm a failure." "And your father said it too." "And it's not just fathers." "Lots of mothers and brothers and sisters have said it." " Cousins, uncles" " First of all, you've got to stop being so hard on yourself." "A lot of famous men had rough starts." "Hitler flunked out of art school." " Thanks, Susan." "That's very comforting." " No, look." " I see something wonderful in you." " Your father can't do this!" "It's not pretty, a man with a hernia being chased by a tank." "[ Susan ] Will you forget my father for a minute?" "If we never get out ofhere, how are we going to have a future together?" " [ Axel ] You don't want a future with me." " How do you know?" "[ Axel ] It's not fun, the wife of a career diplomat." "Especially one who spends most of his life in the unemployment insurance office." "We've got to tell my parents about this." "That's gonna be the hard part." " Is it your turn?" " No, it's your turn." "It's been ten minutes." "Mom, Dad, do you have a minute?" "Axel has something he needs to tell you." "No more Donald." "Now it's Axel." "She needs this hysteric like a hole in the head." " What does the failure have to tell us?" " Dad!" "Go ahead, darling." "Mr. Hollander, in light of the circumstances... and after much consideration... well, I feel this situation calls for drastic action." "The transplant guy was not good enough?" "It has to be" "Let's just say, for purposes of argument, that you were trapped spies." " What would you do?" " I would deny it and claim to be a caterer." "Okay, happy?" " It's your turn!" " You've read the papers." "What do families do... when they're caught behind the Berlin Wall... and they desperately want freedom-- so desperately their lives depend on it?" "What do they do?" "They escape." "They jump over the Wall." "They run through roadblocks." "They shoot." "They forge pass" "Yeah." "Magee, it's been wonderful chatting with you." "Any other psychotic notions" " We're playing dominoes." " I'm afraid it's the only answer." "Escape?" "What an interesting idea." "What are you talking about?" "He's insane!" "Years of insanity have made this guy crazy." "Dad, would you please just hear him out?" "He's come into possession... of some very alarming information." " Did he get the results of his I.Q. test back?" " We have reason to believe... that the secret police are planning to have you eliminated." " Eliminated from what?" "We didn't enter anything." " Walter,just hear him out!" "Marion, I'm not an escaper." "It's not my style." " I show up at a place and I stay." " You can't stay." " You're not safe here." " But the priest is safe, right?" " Six years he's living upstairs" " You wanna stay here for six years?" " He's a relic of an old regime." "Krojack is different." " [ Susan ] Dad, come on!" "You can escape." "You read about it every day." "Couples escape." " A husband escapes." "Lovers flee tyranny." " What you read is..." ""Husband Shot Escaping." "Couple Shot--" [ Stuttering ]" "What is she talking about?" "You want her to stay here for the rest of her life?" "Yes, I'd rather she grew up here than grow up an orphan." "I can tolerate anybody's orphans but my own, okay?" " Walter, come here." "Listen to me for a minute." " I got a headache." "I got indigestion." "I want to play dominoes." "Do you want your daughter to see Donald again?" "Or at least meet some other eligible men?" "Don't you want that?" "Tell me the plan.Just for fun." "Not that I'm interested... but I want to know what he's thinking." " The night after tomorrow, we're going to have a reception here." " Who's catering?" " Stop it!" " Would you let him finish?" "It's a big party in honor of the emir." "Several hundred guests." "Dignitaries, men and women from many nations, including this country." "Now, you two and Susan, get dressed." "You wait in your room." " Right." " Around midnight, when first group of guests start to leave... you come down, you put on your coats, you got out with them." "Just like that." " Oh!" "It'll give you a chance to wear your dark blue mohair." "I don't like my dark blue mohair." "My mohair itches." "How can mohair itch?" "It's a very soft fabric." " Sue me, it itches." "I don't like the mohair." " You're gonna have to wear... a dark suit, because I'm not gonna escape unless you dress." "I'm not dressing!" "We're not going anyplace." "The moment you go outside, the embassy limousine will be waiting." " You get in and you're off!" "." " It's simple." " What if it works?" "Then where do we go?" " The rest is very simple." "My contacts are ready to see to it that you'll be on your way home within hours." "Mr. Hollander, I implore you, for the safety... of everyone involved." "We cannot procrastinate." "Timing is very important." "Walter, we'll get to see Seth again." "I miss him so much!" "By the way, Walter, I didn't mention this because I knew you'd get upset." " I got a letter from my brother." "Our apartment was robbed." " What?" "Yes, burglars broke in." "They stole the portable TV and all your custom-made shirts." "Oy, I'm a cursed caterer." "I-I'm running around here in Europe... and in New York there's robbers with my initials on their shirt." " Evidently." " [ Sighs ] Oy." "Can we, uh, start planning this?" "Hello." "Montague?" "This is Capulet." "Mmm." "The man with the blue scarf is in Vienna." "That's right." "The tulips are in full bloom." "Spring will be a little late this year." "And that's why the lady is a tramp." " Over and in." " [ Hangs Up Receiver ]" "[ Fumbling With Receiver ]" "There is a reception for a Middle Eastern dignitary." "I and my wife have been invited." "I thought you'd be interested in knowing." " R-Right." " [ Scratching Paper ]" "Of course, you will attend." " I'll see to it that you're briefed in detail." " Absolutely." "Of course." " Comrade Luchow will take your wife's place." " Oh?" "Naturally, you will introduce her as "Anna."" "Understood." "Understood." "There's something" "There's something going on there." "This ambassador's son, the young Magee." "He's either a genius... or an idiot." "Look, tonight's the night." "I'd just feel better if we go over the whole thing again." "It's a rotten plan, it won't work." "Let's call it off." " We're not calling anything off." " Hi, Mr. Hollander." "Who are you?" "Who am I?" "Who am I. I'm-I'm" "I'm John Randall." "I work for the Department of the Interior." "I'm married, I have four children." "I was born in Milwaukee, Wisconsin." "I went to school in California." "I first came to government under Roosevelt." "I majored in agriculture." "I drive a Chrysler Imperial, I" " Who's gonna ask me this?" " In the event that they stop you and ask you some questions... your answers have to be consistent." " Who's gonna believe I'm Sam Randall?" " John Randall." "John, Sam." "I got such a headache from this." " What are you doing in Europe?" " What am I doing in Europe?" "Ask her." "I'm in Europe to... help underdeveloped nations with soil conservation and erosion problems." " Very good." " Don't "very good" me." "Okay?" "And I'm his lovely wife Carmen." "I was also the former Miss Wisconsin of 1 941 ." "If they believe that, we win the whole Cold War." "One look at those varicose veins, they'll think we're smuggling road maps." "Where are you staying in town?" "The Grand Hotel for one week." "Then we're flying to Malaysia." "Okay, now, uh, uh" " What happens when you leave the embassy?" "About midnight, when some of the other guests are leaving... we casually say, "Excuse me," and we leave with the largest group." "Our chauffeur then drives us directly to the lobby of the Grand Hotel." "That's if we're not stopped, arrested, beaten, tortured and thrown in jail." "At the Grand Hotel, we switch cars." "A man will come up to me and say, "Those are extremely lovely earrings." "My wife has a pair just like them."" " He will be our driver." "We go with him." " [ Axel ] Correct." "And if a stranger happens to admire her earrings... we'll wind up following him to Lapland." "What happens when he takes you to the train station?" "What happens?" "Uh, someone comes up to me, a man-- presumably not suspicious-- and he whispers in my ear, "The grass is green."" "For my money, Marion, he may as well have a neon sign that says, "I am a spy."" " Okay, and then what do you do?" " What do we do?" "We get on a train with him going to Istanbul." "Another first in my life." "I need Istanbul like the plague." " With my fear ofTurks." " You're not going to get to Istanbul." "Halfway there, we jump off the train." "I'm really looking forward to that." "I haven't jumped off a moving train in months." "Your contact is going to help you with these maneuvers." " You see?" "So what are you so worried about?" " Yeah." "We'll see how you jump off a moving train." "She breaks her neck trying to find a seat in a movie house." "After leaving the train, we're met by a man driving a wagon load of hay." " Right, correct." " Then we dress up as peasants." "We get onto the wagon and we go with him." "I got the worst hay fever in America, he gets us on a hay wagon." "He takes us to the seashore, where we're picked up by a submarine." " Isn't it thrilling?" " Sub" " Yesterday it was an airplane!" "We had to change that." "There were some security precautions." "I'm glad you told me." "I'd have spent the whole day looking for wings." "Now." "Uh, oh!" "You're gonna need this." "You're gonna need some local currency." "Oh, forget it." "Forget it." "I got money." " Walter, take it!" " You know, go ahead." "I'll get the next" "We only have traveler's checks." "Take the money." "They're good anywhere, Marion." "You're gonna stop in a chase through an alley and start signing traveler's checks?" "Since when are there gonna be chases?" "You said this was gonna be simple." "He said this would be simple." "I can't chase." "I got arch supports the size of barbells." "Mrs. Hollander's right." "Take the money." "And, uh, one other thing." "Do you know how to fire one of these, a pistol?" "A pistol?" "How often in the catering business is there a gunfight?" "You load it here, and then you just squeeze the trigger." " Boy, it's a beauty." " I don't think you should carry a gun." " Why not?" " They're dangerous!" " They're not dangerous." " You don't know how to use one!" "Who doesn't know how to use one?" "Since when?" " When did you ever use a gun?" " What are you talking about?" " I don't know how to use a gun?" " When did you use a gun?" " I don't know how to use a gun?" " When?" " What do you mean, "when"?" "Plenty of times." " I don't want you to carry a gun." " I want to carry a gun." " I'm not gonna go if you carry a gun." "[ All Talking At Once ]" "Maybe I'm being, uh, overcautious." " She has to ruin everything." "I want to carry-- - [ Scoffs ]" " I'm not going if I can't." " All right, carry a gun." "Just make sure it's not loaded." "You can never tell when this little piece of tin comes in handy." "[ Chuckles ] You see that?" "[ Disgusted Sigh ]" "They're gonna need food for the journey, so I made him some... marinated sea urchin sautéed in the ink of the cuttlefish." "And the sauce is his favorite antacid." " Well, this is it." " Ah, it's gonna be a cinch." "Well, you got very confident all of a sudden." "Everybody makes a big deal out of nothing." " You think so?" " Believe me, it'll be over in two hours." " [ Sobbing ]" " It can't be any worse an ordeal than your sister's wedding." "[ Continues Sobbing ] You think so?" "Look at this." "What are you crying about?" " She's crying already." " I'm sorry." "What are you crying?" "You know, that's why I don't like to go places with you." "'Cause you always make everything into a" "That's why I was not keen on escaping." "I knew you would turn it into a whole story." " What's the matter?" " [ Sobs ] I don't know." "What do you mean, you don't know?" "What are you crying for?" " Does something hurt you?" " No, I'm afraid." "Wha-- What's to be afraid of?" "Look at the very worst." "The worst!" "They catch us, they torture us, you bite down on a cyanide capsule-  [ Sobbing ]" " Look at this!" "How she's crying." "What are you-- What the" "What's the matter?" "Hey, take it easy." "I'll protect you." "Did I not always protect you?" "Have I always taken care of you?" "Always?" "Remember years ago, at that Palisades amusement park... that sailor whistled at you, I hit him a shot in the teeth?" " Yeah." "He fell out of his wheelchair." " Exactly." "You were so beautiful then." "Come on." "Cheer up." " You had on your puce Aztec shawl." " Yeah." " You remember that?" " And you were in your dark blue dress suit." "With the white socks and the saddle shoes." "I had to have the white socks." "I had a foot infection." " So, you know, it was doctor's orders." " Walter." "Will you protect me?" "Have I not always-- From the very start... when my mother despised you, when she loathed you, I was on your side." "Remember that?" "I didn't hold your hand through two pregnancies... and four false alarms and a very, very complicated oral prophylaxis?" " Remember that?" "Have a little faith in me." " Yeah." " I'll take care of you." " Walter, I've been such a terrible wife!" "I wouldn't say "terrible." Terrible is, you know" "After all, I'm not easy to live with, you know?" " A lot of women would think that I was moderately flawed." " No!" "No, no." " A good case could be made for that." " No." "No." " Come on." "Get dressed." "Get dressed." " I'm wearing my new dress." "You better bring a pair of sneakers." "We might have to jump over a wall." " Wally!" " Well, now, you haven't called me Wally since" " Since the harvest moon ball years ago." "Remember that?" " Yeah." "I said even then, if you ever called me Wally again, I would break your head." " I'm goin', I'm goin'." " Get dressed." "Right." "[ Muttering ]" " [ Man ] Mr. Hollander." " [ Gunshot ]" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh, I've been shot!" "Oh!" "Help me!" "Help me!" "[ Chattering ]" "[ Chuckling ] He's a little shy." "You're so" "Any stories to" " Come on." "Come on!" "Y-e-es." "Oh, ho, ho." "[ Laughing ]" "You know what they say, "An apple a day keeps the cossacks away."" "[ Laughing ]" "Mr. Magee." "Please." "Excuse me." "Excuse me." "Your Highness." "Ah, I hope you're enjoying your visit." " My father wishes to extend" " Pick a card." "Any card." " We'll be leaving tomorrow." " Father Drob" " Father Drobney, this is not" " Oh, please, any one." " No, I'm busy!" " Pick a card." "Oh, please!" " Please." "Please." " I'm busy." "There's a message on the two of spades." "Please." "Well,just tell me." "Nobody can hear." " One of the guests is from the secret police." " How do you know?" "Gruber, that's not his wife." "[ Whimpering ]" " Oh, God." " She's an agent." "There may be others." " Hi." "Hi." " Where are your parents?" "My parents?" "They're not here." "My father's having trouble getting his holster on." " This place is crawling with agents." " Really?" "Look." " No matter what happens, I just" " Oh, please, please." "Don't start a sentence with "no matter what happens." This was my idea... so it's not gonna work, I know." " Can I tell you something?" " What?" " You look great." " Oh, thanks." " All right." "Try to appear casual." " I am appearing casual." " Yeah." " Walter, you can tell you're carrying a gun." " You can not!" " There's a big bulge under your shoulder." " It's the way I'm built." " It's not the way you're built." "You don't have a handle." " Leave me alone, okay?" " Walter, put it upstairs." "Put it upstairs." " No, we need it." " We don't need it." "You shot the sultan's assistant today." "You know, sometimes they like an eye for an eye." " I'm carrying a gun." " Oh, Walter." " You know, everybody's staring at your bulge." " Who cares what you say?" "Uh, we haven't met, have we?" "Oh, I'm-I'm-I'm John Randall." "I work in the Department of the Interior." "I was born in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, but I went to school in California." "I majored in agriculture." "I'm married." "I have four children." "I drive a Chrysler Imperial." "I'm John Randall." "I work in the Department of" " And I'm his lovely wife, Carmen." " How do you do?" "Yannis Kasnar, and this is the Countess Wilhelmina Bordoni." " Charmed." " Say hello to the countess, darling." "Hello, darling." " This wine is extraordinary." "Have you tasted it?" " Mm, exquisite." " Mm." " Somewhat diffident, and ephemeral." " Wouldn't you say, Mr. Randall?" " Yes, that's how I'd put it." ""The flavor is subtly demure, and the bouquet is playfully articulate."" "Esquire magazine." " [ Chuckles ]" " How long have you been here?" " A couple of days." " Two weeks." " We're over at the big hotel." "Just a few days, really." "At the Grand." " I can't stand it myself." "It's really" " It's a beautiful place." "Actually, we should be going." "You know?" "It's late, and come-- Come, Walter." " Good night." " Oh, it's Walter?" "My own wife doesn't realize my name is Sam." " Oh, Sam." " No!" "John.John, it's John." "Actually, because it's" " See, my real name is "RandallJohnsam,"" "but they kept confusing me in Washington with Lyndon Johnson." "So I keep getting his phone messages and meat bills." " How interesting." " It's quite a hassle." "Well, we must be off." "We've got to be in Afghanistan" " In Tunisia." "Tunisia." " Tunisia." "That's the same" " But come, Marion." "Let's go." " Marion?" "Oh, I'm his lovely wife, Carmen." "Let me get it." "Ooh, ooh, ooh" "My cigarette lighter." "I got a good buy at the duty-free shop." "Oh, may I, uh-- May I have a light?" "A light?" " [ Clicks ]" " You know, I don't think it has a wick." "Or fluid, or flints." " Oh, no." "No matter." " This works on a different principle, right?" " Haven't figured it out yet." " Well, we have to be going." "Party's about over, and I hate to be the last to leave." " Yes, well, nice meeting you." " It was a pleasure." " Lucky those cheap lighters never work." " I don't want to hear" " Can we go now, please?" " Yes, yes." " I don't believe we've had the pleasure." " Sam Randall." "John.John Randall." "John Randall, from" "I'm Helmut Gruber, and this is my lovely wife, Mrs. Gruber." "Hi." "How do you do?" "We weren't aware there were other American guests here." " No, there aren't." " I'd like to freshen up." " Have you met the Hollanders?" " The Hollanders?" "No!" " We don't know the Hollanders." " Pick a card." " Any card." " No, no, no." "Not now, Drobney." " Oh, please." "Pick a card." " No, no, no." "Yes, yes, yes." "Go pick." "Picking." "More picking." "Please pick a card." " It's got writing on it." "Plus, we've got" " Nah!" " Walter, it's so late, we should-- - [ Axel ] Randall.!" "Mr. Randall." "Mister, uh, your car." " Yes, the car." " Good evening." "Mm." " ...tie it together again." " He's a priest." "Magic is not his full-time job." " I have to go." "I'm sorry." " But he said he was gonna put it together." " Well, Mr. Magee, thank you so much." " Very nice party." " Thank you very much." " A lovely, lovely evening." " Very, very nice party." "Here." " Yes, we'll be going." " Oh, yes." "Nice to have chatted with you." " Come on, Carmen." "Hope to see you soon." "Yes,John, yes." "Good-bye." "[ Axel ] Yes, well, um" " Nice to meet you." " Nice to have met you." "And maybe, maybe I'll see you in Newark sometime." " Thank you." " Thank you." ""Orville, do you think they'll give us a parade up Fifth Avenue?"" ""I don't doubt it." "Mother would love that." "She would, wouldn't she?"" " [ Gunshot ]" " Oh, my God!" "What happened?" "Oh, my goodness, what happened?" "Oh, what happened?" "Oh, my-- [ Screaming ]" "[ All Talking Together]" "Stay calm!" "That's right." "Oh, my God!" "Tell me what the hell happened?" " Who shot me?" " Whoa." "Dad." "No, I will not hear of it." "Send the embassy limousines." "We leave immediately." "His Majesty will not stay an extra minute." " But, sir, I" " No, now, now!" "This instant!" " Oscar has prepared a wonderful brunch." " No." "Brunch?" " I am not going to stay here for brunch." " Let me get the ambassador." "How could you do that?" "How could you attempt an escape?" "Dad, the situation called for something bold, you know?" " If it had worked" " But it failed!" "Like everything else you do, it failed!" "I mean, riots, bombs, pickets, that's never happened in my embassy." "And this morning a devout priest produced... a seven of spades behind my left ear." " He's been working on that." "He was having a hard time-- - [ Knocking ]" " Come in!" " "The flight went well."" " Flight?" " "Yes, it did, Orville." "I was surprised."" "[ Chuckles ] "Me too, Wilbur."" ""Well, I shouldn't say surprised, but encouraged."" ""Me too." "Now, you mark my words, we'll show the world."" "I'll get you for this, Axel." "I promise you, I will get you for this." "The emir's leaving." "I think the situation is irreparable." "I'll speak to him." "By the way, your mother called." "She wants you to mail her your birth certificate." " Come on, boys." " Huh?" "Oh. "Have you met my brother?"" ""Oh, hello." "You look very well."" ""Thank you, I feel well."" "Well, you wondered what happens, you go along with a lunatic." "I told you the gun was dangerous." "Again, she's still on the gun." "You shot two people in the last 2 4 hours!" "How many do you need?" "Marion, how am I gonna know there was the ambassador?" " You want him to wear a little sign?" " The gun went off by itself!" "." "I didn't shoot the gun." "It must have been one of those new guns." "They buy 'em by the bushel from Taiwan." "[ Muttering ]" "Axel, I'm sorry." "This was all our fault." "Right, Dad?" "If it was anybody's fault, it was my fault." "And now they've doubled the guards outside." "It was a nice try, Magee." "Unfortunately, I shot the boss." "But you know, you can't have everything." "I better call Barney Silverman." "He's probably still at Montauk Point... with the station wagon, waiting for us to surface." " What is this?" "What are you doing?" "Just doing a little laundry." "Mr. Burns says the emir is packing." " She's doing laundry." " She does Kilroy, she does Burns... she dusts, she waxes, and now she's doing the bedouins." "[ Scoffs ] Just two of his wives." "They're lovely young women." "I'll give it to them." " Wait a minute." "Wait a minute." " What's the matter?" " I got an idea." " [ Walter ] I heard that." "He's got an idea." " I'll be in the fallout shelter." " How many do you have?" "Just two." " Okay." " What are you thinking?" " Father Drobney, come down here." "What's going through your mind, Magee, besides the usual cattle stampede?" "Stand right there." "Yeah, it'll fit." " Wait, this could work." "Do you see?" " We gotta hurry, though." " They're gonna leave any minute." " What are we discussing?" " You know I'm a size ten." " Yeah." "Okay, you two." " Change." "Quickly." " Change what?" " I don't get it." " We leave with the emir's harem!" "What's wrong with you?" " A harem?" " Yes." " The two of us" " Yeah, because with the veils, wh-who'll notice?" "He has 1 4, now he's got two more." "You're telling me the man doesn't count his harem?" " Who doesn't count the harem?" " This is a brilliant plan!" "This could work." " No, no, no, no, no." "I'm not dressing as an Arab." " No, no, you are." "And then you get into the embassy limousine, it takes you to the transfer point... and you meet Drobney's contacts!" " Instantly he can see there's two more wives." " Maybe he will, maybe he won't." " It's worth a shot." " Don't tell me maybe." "I don't want to know maybe." "Forget it." "Let him spend the money on a lobotomy." " We're wasting time here." " What about Susan?" "We only have two outfits." "I got that figured out too." " You two,just dress, okay?" " All right." "Let's go." " Walter, here." " I'm not dressing, Marion." "Leave me alone." "I don't want to wind up in a harem." "We'll spend the rest of our lives... on satin pillows in the Persian Gulf." " Quickly." "Would you change?" " No, I don't want to." "Marion, is that what you want?" "To be a love slave?" "You're at least a man." "I'm the one that's gonna have to learn those wiggly dances." " Let's go.!" " How did you think of this?" " I never would have thought of this plan." " Ah" "So sorry." "Cold compresses." "Wives." "Clear." "Coming through." "Mr. Magee." "You called?" " Father Drobney." "Are your contacts still ready to go?" " Yes." " Good." "Alert them immediately." " Absolutely." " All systems go." " You're transforming before my eyes." "It's wonderful." "Susan, every once in a while fate comes along... takes a man by the hand and allows him to move mountains." " Isn't it faith?" "I think it's faith." " Is it... faith?" "I always thought it was fate." "Maybe that's why it never made sense." " I'm so proud of you." " Before you walked into my life..." " I was nothing, I was a loser" " I didn't walk into your life." " I ran." " But now, I have this feeling I could do anything!" "I have this confidence, this sense of optimism." "Maybe you're really a manic-depressive." " No, I'm in love." " You're in love. [ Chuckles ]" "I'm in love, for the first time since Elsie Holmquist." " Who's Elsie Holmquist?" "You never mentioned her." " This Swedish girl." "I met her in an embassy." "Boy, could she ski." " That's how I broke my pelvis." " Oh." " Susan, you've become my whole world." " You've become mine." "I am so happy, I could sing!" "Do I have to listen to this?" " Ha!" "Okay." " See you in a minute." "The storm we were expecting will be a little late." "The boy with the blue hair... is fondling his chipmunk." "Never call with anything under... a pair of queens." "And the green grass grows all around." "All around." "So, toot, toot, tootsie, good-bye." " [ Receiver Bangs ]" " Ready." " Marion, it itches." " How can it itch?" "This is silk." "I'm telling you a million times." "My doctor told me I have the thighs of a princess." " So you wearing a princess's clothes." " It itches!" " It's silk." " Everything is ready." "Go immediately and God bless you." "Just stay calm, cool, collected, and if anybody asks you anything... just mutter something about Allah." " Uh-huh." " The limousine driver will take you to the Grand Hotel." "From there on, our plans are precisely the same." " What about Susan?" "We didn't decide." " In a little while..." "Susan and I are gonna walk out of here under full diplomatic immunity." " How are we gonna do that?" " Well, as the wife of a foreign diplomat... you'd be entitled to that." " Wife?" "You-You and her?" " It's perfect." "We're both American citizens." "This is United States territory." "Father Drobney is a priest." " If you'll have me." " Oh, Axel!" "My Susan!" "A bride!" "This is the happiest day of my life!" "I only wish your father were alive to see this!" " I am alive." "I'm standing right here." " Oh, yeah." " I'm sorry!" "I got carried away." " 'Cause I'm wearing this." " You look like you should be named Fatima." " This is a brilliant plan." " You're gonna marry her?" "She's gonna marry" " Yes!" " You want him to?" " I do, yes!" "I love you." " Oh." "Oh!" "Oh." " [ Ululating ]" "Walter." "Walter." "Stop that." "We have to go." " [ Continues Ululating ]" " Walter." "Walter, control yourself." " Mr. Hollander" " Stop!" "Stop!" " [ Continues ]" " All right." "Shh!" "Walter." "Listen, Susan." "Darling." "When we're on the submarine, you'll wire me your silverware pattern." " Absolutely." "As soon as I know." " [ Axel ] Good luck." " You stepped on my Hush Puppies!" " Oh, sorry." "Walter, take it easy." "Let's go. [ Indistinct ]" " Now, now!" " [ Ululating ]" " But they're marrying!" " Yes!" "[ Ululating ]" "[ Drobney ] God keep them." "I'm so happy for you both." " Thank you." " I'm happy." "Are you happy?" " Yeah!" " I'm happy." " You look so great." " [ Chuckles ]" "Father, I didn't speak out of turn." "You can do a ceremony, right?" " Yes, I could do." "Yes." "Six years I haven't." " Is he a rabbi?" " Do we need a rabbi?" " Hour and a half" " Do you know any rabbis in the underground?" "Just have to change my clothes." "Come." "Come, let's go." "Soon we will be home at the palace... and I expect every one of you to go out of your way... to see that His Majesty forgets this unpleasant occurrence." "I'm sure you know what I mean, hmm?" " Hey, why is he staring at me?" " You look sexy in those clothes." "I don't like this, Marion." "I don't like this." "[ Softly ] Well, you look fine." "[ Low Chattering ]" "[ Narrator ] That morning, the Hollanders left the United States embassy... with a boldness and courage unknown to them before." "Indeed, the plan devised by Axel Magee was a brilliant one." "The following day, they were married by Father Drobney." "Therefore, I pronounce you man and wife." "[ Laughing ] Congratulations!" "[ Muttering ]" "Look." "Hey!" "Oh, it's a joke." "[ Chuckling ]" "[ Narrator ] Within 24 hours, the Hollanders were safely en route to the United States." "Axel Magee quit the Foreign Service... and went to work for his father-in-law... who was overwhelmed with the young man's natural gifts... for sculpting the bride and groom out of chopped liver." "At last, the fortune-teller's prediction about Magee as a new Michelangelo... had proved true."