"With gas prizes so high, you try not to drive too much." "But when Catalina is so late for work she's gonna have to change in the car, it's hard to say no." "Can you drive a little faster?" "It's disabled discount day at work, and the last girl gets stuck with Jed." "He's paralyzed from the waist down, so you never know if you're doing a good job." "Sorry, the engine starts coughing if I go over 40." "I think it has something to do with Randy spitting his gum in the gas tank." "I told him bubbles wouldn't come out of the exhaust, but sometimes he has to not see things to believe them." "Is that a hot tub?" "A used hot tub laying on the side of the road may not seem like something to be excited about, but there was someone on my list I owed one to." "Number 72:" "cost Joy a hot tub." "Hey, baby." "Wakey, wakey." "Hands on snakey." "No morning bang today." "Got a job doing some spokesmodeling at the Camden Barbecue and Hot Tub Convention." "Barbe-Tub-a-Con is today?" "How about a quick one before you go?" "You know I can't resist you when your hair's all classy and up high like that." "I know." "When I see myself looking this good, I get horny, too." "But I don't want to be late." "Did I tell you they're paying me with a free hot tub?" "Seriously?" "So just hold on to your stiffy, and when I get back, we'll fill that thing up and do it fishy style." "Randy, come in here." "We look like cartoons." "JOY IN A BUBBLE" "Catalina was nice enough to help me with a list item:" "getting a hot tub for Joy." "All right, let's try lifting it again." "This time, I'll try not to fart, you make sure your top doesn't fall of." "Ready?" "Go." "Does anybody knock around here anymore?" "Sorry." "We didn't know somebody lived here." "It's an upside down hot tub laying on the side of the road." "Of course, somebody's living in here." "Homeless Joe drove a hard bargain." "He traded the hot tub to us for a bar of deodorant that he promptly ate." "It was the most exciting thing to come through the trailer park since Mr. Henson tried to teach his pet monkey to drive stick." "Sweet Baby Jesus..." "My whole body's relaxed." "Earl, for the first time ever, you have satisfied me in a way Darnell never could." "Go, Earl." "Guess that means I can cross you off my list." "For sure." "And the timing is perfect." "I've been having to soak my ingrown toenail in an old Cool Whip container." "Which means Mr. Turtle gets his swimming pool back." "He'll be thrilled." "He can't really stretch out in the Country Crock tub." "Darnell, get in here." "There's a bubble jet in a place I know you're gonna like." "No, thanks." "I boil animals to death all day long." "If I get in," "God may strike me down just for the irony of it." "My Uncle Thorogood, the fisherman, choked to death at a sushi restaurant." "Big Man's got a sense of humor." "Joy loved her hot tub so much, she swore she'd never leave it." "And unlike most of her promises, she had already kept this one for 24 hours." "Baby, you sat in that thing all night." "You ever coming out?" "I expect around noon I'm gonna need to go buy another 40." "Unless you want to send Dodge to the liquor store with a note again." "You want to put these on?" "Gina says the loud music is making her baby cry." "I already put my top back on." "Now you want me to wear headphones?" "I don't care what these neighbors think." "She's a dumbass that sold her Pontiac to pay for the in vitro!" "Now she's living with the consequences!" "I don't complain about how loud that baby's dialysis machine is." "How many signs do you need that something ain't meant to be?" "I wish you could see your foot from up here." "The way the light is hitting the water, it makes you look like you've got a giant toe." "I can see it from here." "That is funny." "Watch this." "Big toe, regular..." "Looks like your toe's infected." "So what, drink a little cranberry juice?" "Mrs. Turner, you have a very contagious, flesh-eating staph infection." "What?" "God, I helped you squeeze your flip-flop on." "How the hell did I get that?" "Darnell, if this is some kind of mad crab disease, I'm gonna kill you." "It's not shellfish-related." "I've only seen one case in Camden." "It was in a homeless man." "The closest I ever come to the homeless is buying those videos where they fight." "I mean, I like to be charitable, but I don't want to just hand them the money." "The patient was a gentleman named Joe, and he lives out on Route 4 in an old hot tub." "Earl, you son of a bitch." "Sorry, I didn't know he was infected." "He seemed like he was into hygiene." "He had a soup can full of toothbrushes." "But to be fair, it was also full of soup." "Look what you did." "Hell, yeah, "Oh."" "Wow, looks like one of them fancy hot dogs that plumps in the micro oven." "You are paying for my doctor bills, my pedicure bills and my pill bills." "And no generics..." "I want top-shelf meds like the kind that celebrities OD on." "Listen, Joy, whatever you need, I'll do." "Maybe I could come over..." "You stay the hell away from me." "All I want to see is your money." "Did someone spill milk on the floor?" "Oh, man." "Popped again." "Darnell had spent time working with something he called bioweaponry, so he knew to take infection seriously." "Can I come in now?" "Ready." "What the hell is all this?" "You keep to the foil." "The boys, myself and Mr. Turtle will walk on the regular carpet." "Did you have to put it shiny side up?" "Now I got to wear my underwear when the boys are home." "Man, what a day." "I've been looking forward to getting into bed and forgetting about this stupid foot for the next 14 hours." "What the hell?" "It gets chilly in here." "Plus, one of us has to stay alive for the kids." "You happy?" "Put a bag on it, so now you don't have to worry about anybody else catching this." "Yeah, 'cause what germ could make it past a produce bag and electrical tape?" "You're uncomfortable even touching me, aren't you?" "You know what?" "I'm gonna go make some ice tea." "What are you doing in there?" "Are you boiling your clothes?" "I'm making ice tea." "Lord love a duck, Darnell." "I'm wearing a bag." "I'm walking on foil." "I'm glazed up in Purell like a damn Christmas ham." "What do I have to do to not feel like a filthy leper in my own house?" "Bring me Earl Hickey!" "Not too shabby." "It's like you're living in a snow globe, but in the summer, 'cause there's no snow, which is good because..." "Since I'm kind of stuck here, would you kick Earl in the side of the knee for me?" "Joy, I feel terrible..." "Sorry, Earl." "I got to appease her, or she'll break out of that thing like a tiny pink hawk." "Anyway, I got to go to work." "Good-bye, baby." "Bye." "I feel terrible." "Stuck-in-a-bubble- with-a-flesh-eating-disease terrible or just a little case of the blues?" "The second one." "But I'm ready to make it up to you, if there's anything you can think of..." "Oh, I've been thinking." "You're not the only one that can make a list." "These are the things that I do all week, but can't since I'm stuck." "You've deprived me of my freedom, and deprived the world of me, so until I'm free, you gotta be me." "I never thought of Joy as someone who has a to-do list, but it turns out she was a pretty busy lady." "At 3:00 every Tuesday, she'd go buy meat out of the trunk of some guy's car." "What part of the animal is this?" "I don't even know what animal it's from." "On Wednesday, she'd spend four hours at the salon just to catch up on the latest gossip." "And I couldn't quite hear this part, but Fran said her babysitter is addicted to hooch, pooch, or cooch." "That sitter's a crazy slut, so it could have been all three." "And, always one to hold a grudge, every Thursday she'd track down the local ice cream man." "Don't buy ice cream from this man." "He's a cheat." "If you ask for a Rocket Pop, he'll charge you for a Double Rocket Pop and say it's an accident." "It's a scam." "She really does this every week?" "But it wasn't just Joy I learned things about." "Spending so much time with the Turners," "I discovered stuff about the whole family." "Like the fact that Darnell gets migraines." "Two boys, a demanding job, making $2.95 an hour... these are the things that weigh heavily on the Crab Man." "Earl, I'm done with my shower." "Bring me some clothes and new hair." "Go ahead." "If you don't and she starts yelling, all your rubbing is for naught." "And the most important thing I learned was that Dodge and Earl Jr. were the ones with the biggest problem in the family." "Tomorrow the boys get out of school early, so you need to hang out with them." "I usually take them to the arcade or something," " since they don't have any friends." " No friends?" "Are you sure?" "Yesterday, Dodge said him and his friend, Roger, played dress-up and made funny faces at each other." "Roger's what he named his wiener." "That's sad that the boys don't have any friends." "There's a man downstairs who's friends with lots of young boys." "We should introduce them." "I do wish there was something I could do." "What'd you do that year in junior high when you couldn't make any friends?" "Mom got me deodorant." "And then I met Bill." "Bill was imaginary." "But our friendship was real." "And didn't Bill eventually move to Canada?" "That wasn't his fault." "His dad got transferred." "Then his parents got divorced, and Bill started drinking." "I had to pull myself out of that situation." "I went to pick up Dodge and Earl Jr., prepared to do anything to help them get friends." "See you at the party!" "Everyone's going to be there." "See you at the party." " What the hell?" " See you at the party." "Wait in the car." "And put this on." "I don't know what's going on, but if this is just a B.O. problem, I've got it covered." " Excuse me?" " Dodge and Earl Jr., they should be able to come to your party." " Who are you?" " I'm their mother's ex-husband." "Oh, her ex." "Well, then you know..." "I'm Phyllis Woo Hoo." "We've had some issues with Joy." "Turns out the boys weren't the problem at all." "Damn, this punch is better than sex." "What's in it?" "I'm gonna need a cigarette." "I need a cigarette." "Better than sex." "Damn!" "Over the years, she made quite a name for herself." "Now that's how you get popular." "Once your boobies grow in, that's gonna look good." "Just don't let that ass get any bigger." "And while some parents wanted to give Joy a chance to change, she didn't." "Mom, check out these really cool water balloons that won't pop!" "They'll pop." "If they didn't, you wouldn't have those two playmates." "They got into my nightstand." "You should've seen them playing with the lubricated ones." "Looked like they were wrestling a greased pig." "Those boys are fine." "It's Joy that's the problem." "Joy won't be a problem right now." "She's stuck in a bubble, 'cause she has a contagious infection." "'Bout time she got a real disease." "She comes down with cancer every time we need parents for a field trip." "The first couple of times, we raised money for her." "Makes you feel any better, I think she bought cigarettes with that money." "As long as Joy's out of the picture, here's directions for Dennis' party." "Well, this sounds fantastic." "And I'll still put the deodorant on them just in case." "You're not going to tell Joy what I said about her?" "You see this?" "She pierced it with a kebab after I complained the steak was too dry." "I wore a hoop for a while, but it made me a little too cocky." "Anyway, I've learned to keep my mouth shut." "I got your shoes fixed." "The repair guy said to tell you to quit kicking so many things." "My Jessica Simpsons." "You see what you're missing?" "You would look so good in these." "That's right, foot." "You think about that the next time you want to get infected." "The boys?" "At the park for Dennis' birthday party." "Dennis who?" "Dennis Woo Hoo?" "I think we were wrong about how unpopular the boys are." "They've got friends." "Earl, I know my kids." "They never get invited to anything." "This got to be a prank." "You invite some loser to your party, you tie him up and throw dog poo on him." "I mean, that's hilarious, but not if it's my kids." " Go get them." " Joy, it's not a prank." "Kids like them." "Earl Jr. has cool hair and Dodge does wiener tricks." "Just let them have fun." "They're not gonna have fun because kids don't like 'em!" "If you won't go, I will." "Joy, trust me." "Just leave it alone." "Trust the guy who used to leave Dodge at Doggie Day Care so he could go drinking?" "I don't think so." "I'm going to get my boys." "Damn it, Joy." "It's not the kids." "It's you." "People just don't like you." "Says who?" "Phyllis Woo Hoo." "She says that you make the other moms uncomfortable." "You act trashy and wild." "People don't want to be around you." "Don't beat yourself up over this." "Some people..." "It was the worst-case scenario." "I'd unleashed a tiny pink Hulk to go infect the world." "I knew where she was going." "I knew I had to stop her." " Don't do it!" " Oh, it's gonna be did!" "What the hell are you doing?" "Slow down!" "You got a dangerous disease!" "Innocent people..." "Joy couldn't wait to get to Phyllis Woo Hoo." "She had a lot of big plans in store for her." "What's up, PTA hoes?" "Looks like I saved you the trouble of unwrapping these." "You're welcome." "Who wants a piece of me?" "!" "You?" "You, Woo Hoo?" "Who wants?" "Go on!" "Lick it!" "Lick the toe!" "Come on, Phyllis." "Don't cry." "This ain't the worst thing you ever had in your mouth." "Joy had horrible thoughts in her head." "And those same thoughts were going through mine." "Don't do it!" "Don't do what?" "Don't, uh... forget to make a wish." "I wish I was a girl!" "You run like a fairy." "I'm not afraid of those bitches." "I'll make a scene up in their faces." "I don't care what they think of me." "I know, Joy." "It's not fair that they're gonna let some opinions they may have about me victimize my children." "It's just not fair." "Nope, it's not." "You know, there's a lot of times when my big personality is good for my children." "Like when we were late to the movie," "I scared the projectionist, he replayed the first 20 minutes of Ratatouille." "They love that." "Here!" "Over here!" "You think I'm a bad mom?" "If you were a bad mom, you wouldn't be sitting in this car letting the boys enjoy a party with their friends." "Thanks." "You may want to wipe off the gas pedal." "I was toeing it pretty good." "What's so funny?" "Nothing." "Just something Bill said the other day." "Your imaginary friend, Bill?" "You were spending so much time with Joy 'cause her toe got sick, that I reconnected with him." "He's working at a gas station and he's about to get married." " Good for him." " I hope." "His fiancee has kids, so there's baggage." "Plus, I'm pretty sure he's drinking again." "You know, Randy, since Bill's imaginary, you could imagine him sober if you wanted." "If only it were that easy, Earl." "It's not enough for me to want it," "Bill's got to want to be sober for himself." "Good night, Randy." "Good night, Earl." "Subtitles loky  Jarick"