"Remember, the driver must always see the big picture." "When driving through puddles or in heavy rain, your tires may begin to hydroplane... actually ride on the water rather than the pavement." "If this happens to you, don't panic and especially don't jam on your brakes." "In this actual scientific demonstration, we see that in as little as a quarter inch of water, your tires may lose contact with the surface completely." "Does your brother have mono or something?" "He slept through the entire course." "No." "He's just brain dead." "Mr. Anderson, it's punks like you that paramedics end up scraping off the road at 4:00 in the morning." "For your sake and the safety of others," "I hope you fail your driving exam." "Wait up!" "Wait up, my bus!" "You know, Dean," "I can't help wondering: is it ever going to get that good for me?" "Anderson, the only difference between you and that greaseball is that he has a license and you don't." "Whoa whoa whoa!" "Scumbag!" "Get on." "I'll drive you home." "No way, man." "Look, I have a driver's exam to take Saturday." "I don't want to get killed." "Les, your license is just as important to me as it is to you." "I'll take it easy." "Trust me." "Whoo whoo whoo!" "Yeah!" " Watch out, watch out!" " Dean, Dean!" "I'll get you, you little brat!" "Ah, Dean!" "Whoo!" "Ha ha!" " Whoa!" " Whoo-hoo!" "There you go..." "front-door service." "Great, thanks." "Wow." " Whose Caddy?" " It's my grandfather's." "16 years old, man." "It only has 20,000 miles on it." "Wow, what's it doing here?" "Well, my granddad's afraid to take it on long trips, so he borrowed my dad's car for a week." "Do you know this boat would kick ass up at Archie's?" "Do you think there's any chance we could get it Saturday night?" " Not a chance in hell, Dean." " No way." "Hey, Dad, what's up?" "Well, I'm just cleaning out the garage here, making some room for the old boat." "What do you think, Dean?" "As long as you're here," " you want to give us a hand, huh?" " Yeah, Deano." " Dean?" " You know, I'd love to, Mr. Anderson, but I just remembered..." "I'm allergic to dust and cardboard boxes." "I gotta go." " See you tonight, Les." " See you tonight, Deano." " Take care of that cough, Dean." " Oh yeah!" " Dad?" " Yeah?" "Do you think that there's any way you could tell me for sure if I could borrow Mom's car Saturday night?" "Here's the deal, Les..." "first get your license, then we'll talk." "You want the broccoli?" "Yes." "You want the broccoli." "All right, what nice happened to who today?" "What interesting news?" "For your information, this is exactly what I ate when I was pregnant with all of you." "You turned out okay." " Dad?" " Yeah?" "Did you, um, look at the brochure I gave you?" " You bet." " What'd you think?" "Well, a $23,000 BMW for a 16-year-old kid who's never had a job a day in his life?" "I think it's a great idea." "Look, Dad, the car wouldn't only be for me." "I mean she can use it too." "Don't include me in your obsession." "Les, isn't it premature to be talking about getting a car?" "You just finished your driver's ed course two hours ago." "Karl says that in America people are misled to believe that a car represents freedom and individuality." " Right." " When in essence, it is more oppressive than anything else, burdening the individual with such materialist costs as..." "Wait, who cares what your commie boyfriend thinks?" "I see it's great to be an American." " I agree." " Yes." "This is the most oppressive environment a child could be raised in." "Natalie, one day soon it will all be over." "You'll go away." "All right, I'm out of here." "Hey, buddy, down!" "Come on!" "Yo, Les, let's go!" "Les, come on, get your butt down here!" "Les!" "Get down here, Les." " Get out!" " Out!" "Right." "I'll see you later." "Mom, what are you doing?" "Wait." "Duck down, duck down!" "Mom!" "Mom!" "No, don't stop here." "Go go." "Is something wrong with the car, Dean?" "No, it's not the car, it's you." "You're driving." " Please just go." " All right." "Thanks, Mom." "Drive safely." "Hey, dweebs!" "Does Mommy hold your dicks when you piss?" "I'm sorry, Mom, I didn't introduce you." "Those are my friends." " Oh, okay." " We'll call." "Good night, Mom." "Good night." "Thanks, Mom." "Good night, honey." " ignore him." " Bye, Mom!" " Be careful!" " Hey, guys!" "Hey hey, guys." "Where are you going?" "Guys?" "Hey, guys, it's me, Charles!" "Oh baby." "Hey, do you ever wonder what kind of car some of these babes would lose their virginity in?" "You never cease to amaze me, Deano." "No, seriously." "Okay, look at Cheryl Lieberman, for instance." "A VW convertible." "Cheryl Lieberman?" "Trans Am." "Okay, Beth McLain." "A Volvo." "No, wait wait." "A station wagon." "Okay, I got one for you..." "Bonnie Dupa." "A cargo van." "A garbage truck." "Mercedes." "Mercedes Lane." "Oh, I've bumped into her a million times." "She's never bumped into me once." " Come here." " No, listen, you don't own me." "Women have rights in this country." "Not like Kuwait or Pakistan where they worship their men." "Mercedes, it has nothing to do with worship." "It has to do with going to parties with kids." "I happen to go to school with these kids." " I have friends here." " Friends, yes." "Friends, okay." "But this... this is children." "They can do nothing for you." "Mercedes, I'm beginning to, um... uh, perspire." "Now, you know that I hate to perspire." "Now let us go, huh?" "I think that I can find my own way home, thank you." "Don't do this, Mercedes." "And Paolo, if you're wondering about Saturday night," "I just remembered I already have a date." "You have a date?" "With who?" " With him." " With me?" "Didn't we make arrangements?" "Yeah, I..." "I believe so." "But nothing was final." "Well, now they're final." "Ciao." "Hey, watch it!" "Thanks." "I can't believe Brian dropped the ball." "Les, I have the answer." "Why don't you just ask her to make sure?" "Look, I'd love to, Charles, but I can't talk to something" "I can't see, right?" "I mean, come on, guys." "Last night was the closest any of us have ever been to her." "Well, you're in luck, lover boy, 'cause she's sitting down right over there." "Wait, wait, Dean, I can't do it, man." "Go on, ask her." "If you're lucky she'll bite." "Go for it!" "Les!" "Les?" "Les, it's me, Papa." "Les, wait up." "Where you going?" "Les." "Les, what's the matter?" "Is there something wrong with having a father these days?" "Dad, what are you doing here?" "I had to run some errands for your mom after work and I thought I'd stop by and take you driving." "I figure if you can handle this cruiser, you can handle anything." "What about Grandpa?" "What about Grandpa?" "Who knows what he's doing with my car?" " Get in." " Yeah!" " Uh, Dad, here comes a stop sign." " Nice call." "That's a good one." "Why don't we make a right turn right here?" "What?" "Dad, I have to ask you for a favor and you can say no, but I will never ever ask you for another favor as long as I live." "Les, you know that's a lie." "Okay, you see that girl over there walking?" "Dad, that is the girl of my dreams." "Okay okay." "Let's give her a cruise." "Dad!" "Dad, shh." "Look." "She just asked me out last night, Dad." " Yeah." " Okay?" "Now if I drove by her with you in the car with me... no offense, it just wouldn't work." "You understand." "Les, you're asking me to let you drive this car alone without a license." "Are you crazy?" "Dad, I'm just gonna go up to her, circle around, maybe at the least say hello to her and come right back to you." "Two minutes." "I'll be careful, Dad." " Sure." " Thanks." " Be careful." " I will." "I promise I will." " I trust you." " Thanks, Dad." " Oh, and Dad?" "Dad?" " Yeah?" "Would... would you mind?" "Mercedes." "Mercedes?" "Les Anderson from the party last night?" "Oh." "Oh hi." "I'm sorry." "L didn't recognize you." "Hop in, I'll give you a lift." " Sure." " Hold on." "After you, madame." "Okay, so which house is yours?" " Third one on the left." " Okay." "But I'm not going home." "Where are you going?" "To a friend's house in Cedarwood." "You don't mind, do you?" "Not at all." "Les?" "Les!" "Thanks a lot." "Wait wait." "Mercedes." "Mercedes." "Last night at the party, well, you kind of mentioned something about, um... me and you maybe going out Saturday night." "Anyway, I was just wondering if it was still on." "Sure, call me tomorrow." "Wait wait, let me give you my number in case something comes up." " Here, write it on this." " Great." "Thanks a lot for the ride, Les." "No, um, problem." "How could you do it, Les?" "What were you thinking about?" "I don't believe it." "I mean, not only did you break your explicit promise to me, but you used up your last favor." "I suppose you know where this leaves you, don't you?" " Not in good shape?" " That's right." "Look, Dad, just let me explain it to you, okay?" "Look, Dad, she told me that she lived three houses down." "I thought I was taking her home." "Why didn't you just tell her the truth?" "Tell Mercedes Lane the truth that Les Anderson doesn't have a license?" "Yes." "And risk her having a heart attack from laughing so hard at me?" "Her?" "Her having a heart attack?" "Look, Dad, please please just put yourself in my shoes." "Look, you're upsetting your mother." "She's pregnant, you know?" "Do you understand what happens if you get caught driving without a license?" "They make you wait two years before you can take the test again." "That's 24 months." "That's an awful lot of bus rides." "Relax, Deano." "Look, I didn't get caught." "And you know what?" "You would have done the exact same thing that I did." "Now did you guys come over here to ask me some questions or what?" "Ah, here's one." ""How can you identify a blind pedestrian to whom you must yield the right of way?"" "This is a complete waste of time." "I mean it's not like you just moved here from Bedrock or something." "You've been a passenger in a car all your life." "And what is this shit?" "Natalie!" "Hey, Natalie, I was wondering, if you're driving 55 miles per hour and you collide with a runaway train, would it make any improvements on your face?" "Aha ha ha!" "Good luck on your exam tomorrow, Einstein." "Good afternoon, children." "In the next 20 minutes, you will be given 30 questions." "Anything over five mistakes will be considered a failing grade." "We'll begin at the sound of the bell." "Begin." "Welcome to the Department of Motor Vehicles Drivers' Test." "Press start to begin." " Ha!" " Question 1 :" "What should you do if you miss your exit from an expressway?" "A:" "Jam on the brakes and back up;" "B:" "Make a quick U-turn;" "C:" "Go on to the next one." "Correct." "Ha!" "Question 2:" "Which is usually the smoothest lane of traffic?" "Why don't they just give licenses away?" "Incorrect." "What?" "Ahem." "Question 3:" "You must look for bicycle riders in the same lanes used by motor vehicles because they:" "A:" "Must ride facing oncoming traffic;" "B:" "Are entitled to share the road with you;" "C:" "Always have the right of way." "Incorrect." "When driving through fog or rain, it is advisable..." "Question 9:" "When backing out of an angled parking place..." "Incorrect." " ...blink your turn signals regularly." " Continue looking through your..." " Question 21 ..." " ...turn on your headlights blow your horn..." " ...shoulder and back slowly..." " C:" "Stop." "Incorrect." "Warning." "One more wrong and you fail." "Finished." "Question 26:" "At 55 miles per hour, you come upon a large puddle of water." "Do you A:" "Pump the brakes;" "B:" "Gently ease your foot off the gas pedal;" "C:" "Accelerate?" "Incorrect." "You have failed." "Damn!" "What happened?" " I lost my screen." "What's going on?" " Excuse me, but..." "What about the test?" "Mr. Anderson." "Mr. Anderson." "Mr. Anderson." "Oh, Mr. Anderson." "You can thank your sister for this one." " I can?" " Uh-huh." "Due to a computer malfunction, we are unable to search the system's memory for your test results." "However, since your sister received a perfect score, we are going to pass you and allow you to take your road test." "I mean how different can you and your twin sister actually be?" "Wait a minute." "Stand back, children." "Don't crowd me." "I'm a living time bomb." " Okay." " Hi." "Last name first, first name last." "Anderson..." "Les Anderson." "Buckle up, son." "This is the real world out here." "Now, Anderson," "I want you to take a long hard look at this cup of coffee." "Now, I love my coffee." "It's probably the one thing I truly do cherish on this god-forsaken mudball called Earth." "Now, what I'm trying to say is that most examiners use a clipboard." "I don't believe in 'em." "What I do believe in is my cup of coffee." "Now that coffee's hot, filled right to the brim." "If it spilled on me, it'd probably burn me, huh?" " Speak up, son!" " Yeah yeah." " Nobody likes to get burned, do they?" " No." "So it's real simple." "You burn me, you fail." "You don't, you pass." "It's as simple as that." "All right, Anderson, let's start off with some light traffic." "Now I want you to get over in that lane." "Now." "Very good, Natalie." "Now why don't you head up to the left here?" "Let's see how you handle this hill." "Very good." "Anderson, let's pull to a stop right here." "Here?" "What the heck's wrong with him?" "Every time I come up this road, there's some idiot kid." "Come on, you little moron." "What are you waiting for, son, Christmas?" "I have a strobe light for you to get that thing moving." "Ha ha!" "Okay, Natalie, I'd like you stop right next to this car here." "Good." "Now why don't you parallel park right here?" "Very, very, very good." "Okay, Anderson, I want you to make a parallel park right in here." " In there?" " What am I, speaking Greek?" "In here." "Ha!" "Congratulations, here's your license." " Please drive safely." " Thanks." " Good morning, how are you?" " Lousy." "I got it!" "I got it!" "Slow down." "You're in luck, Anderson." "The cup was empty." "See you on the battlefield sometime, soldier." "Congratulations." "Here's your license." "And please drive safely." "Uh, Mr. Anderson, just a minute." "Someone wants to speak with you." "Well, Mr. Anderson, we were able to retrieve your test results from the computer." "And I suppose you already know, you failed." "God giveth and the DMV taketh away." "You mustn't fuck with the Department of Motor Vehicles, Mr. Anderson." "We can make your life a living hell." "Next." "Hi!" " Hi, we're home." " Where's Les?" " Where is everybody?" " Please, we'll keep the classic..." " Yeah, no." " Mom?" "Dad?" " Yeah, in here." "In here." "Shh." "Mom, Dad?" "Hi." "Yeah." "Hi, sport." "What's the good word?" "Um..." "I have to tell you guys something." "Oh no, you put a dent in the car already, huh?" "What is it, honey?" "Um..." " I..." " What?" " What?" " Oh, mmm." "Whoo!" " Yes." " Yay!" " Congratulations." " Thank you." "So tell me about it." "Was it murder?" "Was it tough?" "Murder?" "No, not at all, Dad." "Lt was like taking candy from a baby." "That's great." "Look, I filled your mom's car up with some gas just in case you felt like taking it for a little spin." " Oh, how sweet." " Huh?" "Well, Dad, I was kind of thinking about maybe going to my room and taking a little nap." "I'm exhausted." "Honey, what is wrong with you?" "Say, "Ahhh!"" "Mom, come on, what could be wrong with me?" " This is the greatest day of my life." " L know." "So why don't you want to take advantage of your father's senility and take my car out for a little spin?" " Go ahead." " Go ahead." "I don't know if you guys remember or not, but 16 years of waiting and dreaming is a lot of pressure." "And I'm not sure that being behind the wheel of a car is the right place for me to be right now." "Hello?" "Did you hear that?" "You did it, man." "How does it feel?" "Dean, baby." "Hey, what's going on?" "Hold on a second, I'm looking for my car keys." "Found 'em right here next to my AAA card." "Great." "Now come over and pick us up." "Uh, I can't." "Of course you can." "You can do anything, Les." " You have a license." " What?" "See that, Dean?" "My mom's calling me." "They're already asking me to run errands." "I have to go." "Okay?" "Goodbye." ""Test failed"?" "Uh-oh." "Uh-oh." "Robert?" "All right, Mercedes!" "Ha ha!" "Yeah." "Well, you know." "Lower it, lower it." "It's ringing." "Lower it." "Come here." "Hello?" "Rudy, Mom's got brownies in the kitchen." " Go, hurry." "Quick quick quick." " But..." " Dad, what do you need?" " Les, my boy, we're drinking a toast to you." "Hello?" "Hello?" "Hello?" "Dad, you know, that's really thoughtful of you, but you know I shouldn't be drinking and driving." "I know that, Les." "I know that." "Have a drink." "You just saved me $26,000." "What?" "First raise your glass." "To saving me 26,000 buckaroonies." " Huh?" " How'd I do that, Dad?" "It's simple..." "$23,000 for the BMW," "$3,000 for the insurance." " I don't get it." " No?" " No." " Get it?" "He failed?" "He failed and he lied." "Look, Dad," "I just figured that I could get through the weekend and then take it over Monday, you know?" "I know what you figured." "Listen, you're grounded for two weeks." "It's not the end of the world." "Feels like it." " Good evening, Karl." " Good evening, Mrs. Anderson." "Is Natasha at home?" "She'll be down in a second." " How are you feeling?" " Fine, fine." " Fine, thank you." " L admire you." "I really admire you for having the courage to bring a child into this oppressive world." " And let me just say..." " Natalie!" "Hmm." "Natasha, we're going to a protest." "Do we have to take your mother's imperialist gas-guzzler?" "Would you rather take my grandfather's Cadillac?" "Hello?" "Hi, is Les in, please?" "Yeah, this is Les." "Hi, this is Mercedes." "Do you remember me?" "Remember you?" "Yeah, of course." "Hi." "How are you?" "Actually I'm a little lonely." "I thought that we had a date tonight and I figured I'd call you since you hadn't called me." "Oh, um..." "well, I was out all day." "I was, um, deep-sea fishing." "So you haven't changed your mind about tonight, have you?" "Tonight?" "Now?" "No." "Great." "So you can pick me up in 20 minutes?" " Les?" " Hang on." "An innocent girl, a harmless drive... what could possibly go wrong?" "Mercedes?" "I'll be there in half an hour." "Oh man." "No, no, no." "No, no, not the bush." "God." "Oh." "Ah, shit." "Oh." "Ow." "Oh." "Hmm." "Hmm." "Hmmm." "Don't worry, Robert." "It was nothing." "Go back to sleep." "Mmm, that's nice." "Let's go." " Thank you." " Take good care of my car, pal." "Yes sir." "Come on, man, open up." "Let's go." " Open the door, Les." " Come on, man, I don't have all night." "Did you see that?" "If I let him park my car, he's gonna ruin my transmission." " No way." " Hey!" "Hey, what about my tip?" "Here we are." "Wait, we can't park here." "It's a tow-away zone." "On a Saturday night?" "Les, you're acting like it's the first time you've ever driven." " Hey, baby." " Hi." "Hey hey, whoa, whoa, whoa." "Where you going?" "I'm with her." "You wouldn't be with her if she was your Siamese twin." " Lose yourself, kid." " Mercedes." "Hi." " Nice to see you." " How are you?" "Yeah, baby, that's cool." "Damn it." " Paolo." " Mercedes." "What a lovely surprise it is to see you." "Paolo, I have to talk to you." "By the way, this is Veronique." "She's going to be moving in with me." "Is this the one you told me about?" "Mmm." "Would you like a drink?" "Paulie, give her a drink." "What are you having?" "Nothing." " Hey!" " Mercedes." "Hey, hey, are you okay?" "Oh, my god." "My car!" "Whoa!" "Jesus!" "Wait, wait!" "Wait, hold up!" "Get off my truck, boy!" "Look, mister, you can't do this to my car." "Boy, I've driven with deer, antelope, even bear strapped to that bumper." "Ain't no 65-pound sack of fly shit like you gonna shake me a hell of difference." "Look, I'll pay you." "I'll give you everything I've got." "Ah!" "Just how much you talkin' about?" "Please, sir, be gentle." "For 80 bucks?" "80 bucks?" "Would you like some champagne?" "It might help." "No thanks." "L already had some tonight." "I'm really sorry about the car." " I feel like it was all my fault." " Oh, don't be silly." "I should have given the car to the valet in the first place." "I'm sorry about your friend." "Oh, he was a jerk anyways." "I don't know why I even hung around him." " Let's get out of here." " And go where?" "I mean with the amount of money I have in my pocket, we have two choices:" "We can either sit in front of a parking meter for 20 minutes or go buy ourselves a newspaper." "Let me tell you, I know a quiet spot with plenty of free parking." "Are you sure there's a road here?" "God." "Hey, it's amazing up here." "How'd you ever find this place?" "Someone I know used to take me here." "Not a boyfriend." "My father used to take me here to show me how beautiful the world could be if you could step away and see it at a distance." "I haven't been here in a long time." "No no no, not on the car." "I mean, I'll get you a blanket." "You sure come prepared." "Like a Boy Scout." " Les?" " Yes?" "I'm sorry I dragged you into all this." "I don't usually act like this." "No, it's okay." "I don't mind." "Here you go." "I'm really glad I called you tonight." "Yeah?" "I'm..." "I'm really glad too." "All we're missing now is some soft romantic music." "Hold on." "Oh, man." "Oh great, grandpa's top 10." "Ugh." "Wait." "Aren't you drinking rather heavily?" "Do you want to dance?" "To this?" "Uh, yeah." "Where?" "Right up here." "You couldn't pray for a more romantic setting." "Yeah, I guess so." "Maybe I should take my shoes off." "Yeah, good idea." "Get up!" "Get off!" " Get off the car!" " What's the matter, Les?" "The hood, it's caving off." "Get off quick." "But, Les, I love this song." "Yeah, well then you've definitely had too much to drink." "Come on, get off." "Wow, stay here." "Come on, get in." " Oh." " Shh." "Look, we've got to get this thing fixed." "Slide over." "Mercedes, please." "You have such baby soft skin." "Oh, yeah." "Don't worry about the noise, man." "My parents are vampires." "And I'll tell you something..." "you have balls." "You definitely have balls for snagging this car." "I'm impressed." "All right, Les, let's see the license." "No way." "Forget it, guys, it's ugly." " Of course it is." "Big deal." " Come on, Les." " No way." " Please let me take a picture of it." "Forget it." "Don't you think he should let me take a picture of it?" " Okay, Charles, okay." " All right." " Say cheese." " Cheese." "Great." "Well, take a look, Les." "What do you think?" " Excellent work, Dean." " Thank you." "I mean, this is spectacular." "You saved me, man." "Thanks." "So I guess we can go to Archie's now?" "Look, Deano, pal, I promise you next weekend, yeah." "Fine okay, we can go to Archie's." "But not tonight." "Look, Mercedes doesn't have to be home for a couple hours." "Les, let me explain something to you here." "Unless you're into some intense kinky shit, and you never know after tonight, this Mercedes has a dead battery." "Les, we're talking about Archie's Atomic here, Les." "You can't get there without a license." "It's in the middle of nowhere." "No buses, no trains, no planes." "Only the slickest, most intense driving machines you've ever seen in your life." "I have the directions my brother gave me in my back pocket." "You won't regret this." "There's five girls for every guy." "And we're not talking dogs, we're talking bunnies." "Dean, did you wipe your feet off?" "Yes, I wiped the concrete off my feet." "Hey, Charles, push in the lighter." "I got a surprise for everybody." "No way, man." "Not in here." "Nuh-uh." "What's the matter with you, Les?" "This is a car, it's not an oxygen tent." "Look, Dean, if there's any evidence at all that I took this car tonight, my dad's going to slaughter me first and ask questions later, okay?" " What?" " Stop it." "Hey, Les, this is great and all, but could you take the car out of neutral?" "We just got passed by a street sweeper." "Hey, girls, whose car are you driving, Grandma's?" "Come on, race 'em." "Yeah, mess with the faggots, man." "Get that..." "Go!" "Les, what's the matter with you?" "Are you 16 or 60?" "I mean you could have given those gearheads a run for their money." "Look, Dean, this is my grandfather's car." "I tell you what... give me a car that I'm not genetically related to," "I promise things will change, okay?" " Honey!" " What?" "Okay!" "Okay okay." "Okay, I'm coming." "Do your breathing." "Okay." "Is it hot in here?" "Is it hot or is it just me?" "Hot?" "It's like a sauna in here." "Oh." "Want me to go down to the garage and turn on the air conditioning?" "No, that's okay." "I like to just sit here and sweat." "I'll go down and turn on the air conditioning." "Hmm?" "Hmm?" "Hey, Robert?" "Robert?" "Yes?" "I'm not hot anymore, I'm hungry." "Will you make me a sandwich, please?" "Okay, honey." "Sardines and pickles, okay?" " Mmm." "You asshole, do up her shirt!" "No way, Les, forget about it." "I mean look at us... we're three wild animals bombing down the highway with the cruise control set at 55 miles per hour." "I don't need a ticket on my first night out." "God damn it, stop that." "And what is this crap we're listening to?" "I mean my parents don't even listen to this stuff." "All right, that's enough." " Dean, give me that camera." " No!" " Give me it." " No." "God damn it, Dean, it's not your camera." " Give me the camera." " No, no!" " Guys?" " Give me it." " No, no!" " Give me it." " Jesus." " Watch out!" "Oh, we're gonna die." "Man, I told you this was gonna happen." "Shit!" " Oh!" " Les, stop the car." "Uh-oh." "I think I'm gonna throw up." " Get her out of the car quick." " Help!" "Help!" "Help, get her off of me." " Not in the car, please." " I'm trapped." "Not in the car." "Hoo!" "Les, I apologize for everything, but that ride was definitely worth the price of admission." "I mean that makes up for a whole life of boredom." "There's a scratch on my car." "Where?" "Right there!" "Right here there's a big old scratch on my car." " Hold on, let me see." " My dad's gonna murder me." " Look at this." " There is no scratch on your car." " There is a scratch, Dean." " A teeny little scratch." "Your dad is not going to see that scratch." "Your dad's a 40-year old guy who wears glasses, not an eagle, okay?" "Now listen to me." "We are two seconds away from Archie's, do you understand that?" " Deano, you listen to me." " Two seconds..." "Two seconds or not two seconds, watch my lips." "We're not going to Archie's." "We're not driving in my grandfather's Cadillac anymore." "We are, in fact, going home, okay?" "No, it's not okay!" "Look at this..." "You don't look too good." "We cannot turn around now!" "We'd better get you a soda." "You have worked really hard for that license in your wallet." "I mean, you have had 16 years of humiliation, begging for lifts from people who couldn't give a shit about your image." "Les, you've had to stand and watch as all the pretty girls drove off in some older jerk's car." "Humiliation..." "I know." "I've been through it." "But that's all over now." "Les, that thing in your wallet, that's no ordinary piece of paper." "That is a driver's license." "And it's not only a driver's license, it's an automobile license." "And it's not only an automobile license, it is a license to live, a license to be free, to go... to go wherever, whenever, and with whomever you choose." "Archie's, man." "Let's do it." "Deano, I don't know." "Les, to live in fear is not to live at all." "What about Mercedes?" "I don't think that this is such a good idea, okay?" "Of course it's a good idea." "In half an hour, there's gonna be babes all over us." "She'll kill it for us." "Wow." "Did you ever imagine in all your life that you would see a Mercedes fit inside the trunk of a Cadillac?" "Look, I feel bad about this." "You feel bad for her?" "I mean, this trunk is bigger than the size of my bedroom." "Let's go." "Nighty night." "Whoo!" " Oh, honey." " Oh, babe." "I love you!" " Hey, eyes front." " Whoo-hoo!" "Look at her." "Whoa, hey, come back here." "Hi." "Hey, hey, hey." "Hey, guys." "Hey, guys?" "Wait... wait up for a second." "Hey don't you guys go get some dinner?" "I'm gonna get dessert." "All right?" "Go, go, go, go, go." "Hi." "Here you go." "Thank you." "Guys, it's all set up." "I took care of everything." "They're gonna be here in a few minutes." "There's one for each of us." " Dean, I will never doubt you again." " L know you won't!" "My dreams never get this good." "My fantasies never get this good, man." "And this is only the beginning." " Whoo!" " Whoo!" "Yeah, let's eat." "Sorry." "Quick, roll up the windows." "Those assholes again." "Charles, you spazticated idiot!" "It was an accident." "Roll up the windows." "Hey, my hamburger." "Hey, give me my hamburger." "Ow!" "Ow, ow!" "Roll the window down." " No, keep it up." " No, roll it down." " No, keep it up." "Hey, come here." "Hi." "God damn it!" "Wait, you can't leave now." "What about the girls?" "Dean, there's a maniac on the hood of the car." " Get us out of here!" " Don't worry about the maniac." "Oh, shit." "Archie's!" "Come back." "Come back." "Come back!" "I'm standing outside the gates of Allied Technology where a group of peaceful protesters are gathered to demonstrate against the late-night transportation of military hardware through our city streets." "Now, Jim, as you can see, there's a wide range of people here..." "Karl!" "I don't know." "I don't know." "I don't think this is such a good idea." "Can we go home?" "Look, Dean, we're going home." "And if you don't like it, you can jump out right here, wherever the hell we are." "Hey, that looks like my mom's Audi." "Holy shit!" "I think we're being invaded." "Here they come!" "Karl!" " This is an illegal assembly." "Come on!" "You will be arrested" " if you do not disperse the area." " Hey." "No, no, no, not on my car." "What are you doing?" "My car!" "My car!" "Hey, I know that guy." "He looks like my sister's boyfriend." "Les?" "Shit, my sister!" "Duck." " What are you doing?" " Natalie, don't tell Dad on me!" " I'll do anything." " You don't even have a license." "Natalie, don't... don't tell Dad." "All right, let's round these people up." "Put them in the wagon." "Excuse me." "Shit." "As you can see behind me, what started as a peaceful protest has now mushroomed into a substantial demonstration." "It seems that tempers flared when executives from Allied Technologies refused to speak to rep..." "Oh, my god." " What the hell was going on back there?" "I don't know, man, but Les, I'll tell you something... this Caddy sure can take a beating." "Yeah, well, not half the beating you're going to get unless you clam up, Dean." "Oh, this is great." "This is real classic." "They must be checking for drunk drivers." "Yeah, no shit." "Don't sweat it." "Think of your license as a credit card." "Sooner or later you gotta break it in." "Pull over to the curb, right over there." "And besides, Les, what are you worried about?" "We're sober." "They're here to catch drunks like that dick." "Have you had anything to drink tonight, sir?" "Take it easy." "License and registration." "License and registration, son." "Um, sir, I forgot my license at home." "But, um, I could give you this." "All right, sit tight." "Why didn't you show him your license?" "What was that thing you flashed in front of us at the house?" "My school ID." "Are you telling us that you left the house on your first night out with a license without a license?" "No, Dean, I'm not telling you that." "I..." "look, guys," "I failed my exam." "You what?" "Proper grammar is..." "This punk doesn't even have a license." "All right, sir, what I'd like you to do is I'd like you to try to walk this line here, all right?" " All right." " Come here." "You just keep walking, all right?" "I'll be right back." "We may have to call a wagon to pick this guy up." "This is gonna go on our records." "We're gonna be locked up in a cell with men who have murdered and raped and robbed convenience stores." "Will you take a pill or something?" "Will you just relax?" "Nothing's going to happen to us." "We're juveniles." "Nice call, Dean." "All right, Anderson, let's have a look inside the trunk." "Come on, I ain't got all night." "Come on, come on." "Hi, how you doin'?" "What the hell is this?" "My date?" "We gotta roll." "There's a riot going on at Allied Tech." "You just got lucky, pal." "Let's go." " Excuse me, officers?" " Yes!" "Perfect!" "Yes." "See, Les, what'd I tell you?" "Piece of cake." "Deano, shut up, huh?" "Help me with her." "Do something useful in life, would you?" "Oh, looks like a line." "Oh yeah." "Oh, a Maserati." "Oh, this is much nicer than mine." "Keys?" "This chick is no paperweight." "So where's our next stop?" "There are no stops, Dean." "We're going home." "Oh, I'm dead." "I'm so dead they're gonna have to bury me twice." "Let's go." "Looks like I'm in for the night." "You can't take this car!" "Yeah, well, he took our car." "We're gonna take his." "And go." "What a waste." "Oh, I'm swinging!" "Go, go!" "Where the hell am I?" " He's going left." "He's going left." " I see him." "I see him." "Whoa!" "Where the hell is this guy going?" "Yeah, go, Sammy!" "Oh, oh!" " Shit." " Don't worry about it." "I can fix that." "It's only the right side." "My life's no bed of roses, that's for sure." "People are the problem." "People pushing me around!" "I don't care what you say to the guy, just get him to pull over." "The man is a drunk lunatic." "Don't you think this is a little bit dangerous?" "You're telling me about dangerous?" "Charles, you want to know what's dangerous?" "Me going home and having to explain to my father that this piece of shit is my grandfather's Cadillac." "Now, Charles, here he is and you'd better talk to him." " Be tough!" " Excuse me, sir?" "Sir, pardon me." "Excuse me." "I believe there's been a slight mix-up here." "It seems you've mistakenly driven off with our car." "Thank you." "Thank you very much." "You're very kind." " What the hell?" "Come on!" "Get the juicehead to pull over." "Sir?" "Les, he just vomited in your car." "Oh." "Oh shit." "Whoo!" "What airline is this?" "Come on, go!" "Yeah, come on." "Shut up, Deano." "Hey, check it out... spongehead is actually driving straight." "What did he do, sober up?" "Holy shit!" "He's out cold." "Oh, shit." "Charles, you take the gas." "Deano, you take the wheel." " I'm going out there." " No, no, wait a minute." "No, no." " Les, it's just a car!" " You try telling that to my father." "Les." "Be careful, Les." " Hold it steady." " Wait a minute, Les!" "Dean, hold the car steady." "Come on." "Keep it straight, would you?" "Shit." "Stop it!" "You're losing control." "Les!" "Wait a minute, wait." "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "I'm gonna fall." "Deano, wait a minute." " Holy shit!" " Shit!" "Whoa!" "Deano, whoa!" "Mister, wake up, would you?" "Come on." "Wake up." "Please, wake up." "Will you get your hands off the god damn..." "Shit." "Whoa!" "Deano, help." "We're losing him." "Look." "Hi, Les." "Stop it, Dean!" "God, I hate drunk drivers." "What?" "No!" "No!" "Watch the road, come on." "Oh, shit!" "No!" "No!" " Come on, get out of the car!" " Stop stepping on my face!" "Hey, will you stop complaining?" "Oh, you're alive!" " We thought you were dead." " Oh, my god." "Did you see what you did?" "Did you see what you did?" "Honey, I'm home." " Who is this guy?" " L don't know." "Who are you?" "Well, my friend, you're a little thief." "Give me those keys." "Yes, yes, but see, friends don't let friends drive drunk." "You call yourself a friend?" "Wait, look, you were incredible." "You are an animal." "I mean nobody's going to believe this." "Yeah, not too bad for a kid without his license, huh?" "Les, I gotta tell you, license or no license, that was one intense display of driving." "Yeah, and as far as a first night out on the town with a car is concerned, that one definitely sets the standard." "Hey, thank god you don't get your license for a couple months, buddy." "What are you going to tell Sleeping Beauty?" "I don't know." "Shh." "Go, go." "Good night, Les." "See you later, Les." " Robert." " Hmm?" "This is it." "That's nice, honey." "This is it." "I'm up!" "I'm up!" "I'm up." "I'm up." "Okay okay, do your breathing." "Okay, how far apart are the contractions?" "Five minutes?" "Fine." "Plenty of time." "The dream was so bizarre, Les." "As if I was trapped in the trunk of a car and suddenly the trunk flipped open, and there you were, rescuing me." " It was so weird." " Sounds crazy." "Oh, I know it sounds unbelievable, but somehow you're always there to hold me like you are right now." "I felt so safe and so warm." "I'm sorry I was such a sleepyhead tonight." "You must have been so bored." "Oh, no, don't be silly." "Tonight for me was like non-stop action." "Oh." "When can we go out again?" "Honestly, Mercedes, tonight might be the last night anybody ever sees me alive." "Why?" "What happened?" "It's a long complicated story." "You don't want to hear about it." "Does it have a happy ending?" "Mm-hmm." "It has so far." "Hopefully one day I'll get to tell you how it ends." "I'll be here." "Bye." " Ow!" " The baby?" "No, the laces are too tight." " Okay, honey." " Robert?" "Honey?" "Whoa." "Okay." "Oh, wait, let me get my jacket." " Where's my jacket?" " Okay, okay." " Where's my jacket?" "Where is it?" " Okay." "Oh, I forgot the bag." "L forgot the bag." "Okay, I'm gonna wait here." " Okay." " Okay." " Calm down, honey." " You okay?" " You okay?" " Good." "Yeah, I'm fine." " I'm fine." " Ow." " Wait." "Oh, no." "Okay." " Another one." " Okay." " Uh-oh." "Okay, yeah, put your arm on me." "Put your arm." "Oh, man." "Here we go." " Uh, uh-oh." " What?" "What?" "What?" "Oh, gosh, I'm fine." " I'm sorry." "I'm fine now." " What do you mean you're fine?" "I think it was air bubbles from the pickle or something." " Honey, are you sure?" " Oh, gosh." " The car's right here." " I'm sorry." "I'm sorry, I'm fine." "Oh, man." "Why is the garage door open?" "Oh, Natalie probably left it open." "No, honey, Natalie took the Audi." "Where the hell is the Audi?" " Ow." " Oh, Robert!" " What in the?" "Robert!" "Honey, keep breathing." "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "What?" "Something wrong with your bed, Les?" "Mind explaining to me what size shark was responsible for this?" " Well, it..." " Don't!" "I don't want to know." "L don't want to know." "Save it for the judge." "Do you have any idea what you've done tonight, Les?" "What this means to your future in this house" " and on this planet?" " L have an idea." "No, you can't possibly!" "You can't even begin to imagine." "We had a college fund set aside for you." "That's gone now." "You had free room and board, two trusting parents, and a social life." "It's all gone." "You had a TV, a stereo, a baseball mitt, a tennis racket, a skateboard, a bicycle... all gone." "And you even had sunlight and a window in your room." "Robert!" "Let me tell you something, buddy boy, you are damn lucky your mother didn't go into labor tonight." "Robert, I am in labor!" "Damn lucky!" "What?" "Honey, you okay?" "How far apart are the contractions?" " I don't know." " You don't know?" "Is it one minute, two minutes?" "How close?" " Too close." " Too close." "No handle!" "No handle!" "No handle." "Okay, honey, okay, we'll be at the hospital in a minute." "Okay, watch your head." "Oh, Robert, I want you in the backseat with me." "No, honey, I can't." "I have to drive." " Les can drive." " What?" "Les who?" "Not that Les." "No no." "No, he stays here." "Rudy, you drive." " Rudy, get in the car!" " Dad, Dad." "Dad." "Dad, let me drive." " I can do it, Dad." " Oh!" "Oh, Robert." "Please stay with me." "I need you." "Ah!" " Dad?" " Okay, you drive." "But try and do it like you have a license!" "Let me open the door." "Ew!" "It smells like puke in here." "Shut up, Rudy." "What are you doing?" " Robert." " Dad, sorry, it's a red light." "Are you crazy?" "There isn't a car in sight." "We're rushing your mother to the hospital, not to a bridge game." " Come on, go through it." " Okay." "Okay." "What are you doing?" "Come on." "Dad, I'm pushing the gas down." "It ain't moving." "I don't know..." "It sounds like the transmission." "Try another gear." "Come on." " Mom?" " Try low." "Don't worry, I'm just having a baby." "What was that?" "Reverse works, Dad." "Honey?" "Let him drive backwards." "Let him drive sideways." "I don't care." "Just get me there!" "All right, but be careful." "I will." "Whoa!" "Baby." " Throw the golf clubs." "Oh, okay." "No, go right!" "No, left." "No, go right." "No." "What are you doing?" "Get off the sidewalk." "Okay, that's it." "I'm driving, pull over." " Look out!" " Hold it!" "What are you doing?" "Les, you're going the wrong way." "Look out!" "Where'd you people learn to drive?" "Okay, we're good." "Hmm?" "Hmm?" "Oh!" "Ow!" "God!" "Anderson!" "Whoa, goddamn car." "Ahh!" " How are you, honey?" " I'm wet." "Hey, slow it down there, buddy." "Hey, stop!" "Stop, stop, stop!" "This is it." "Okay." " Woman in labor!" " What the hell's the matter with you?" "Woman in labor!" "Woman in labor!" "Come on, honey." "Okay okay." "Keep breathing." " Keep breathing." " Robert." " Come on!" " Mom?" " Ow, ow, ow." " Careful, she's in labor." " I'm fine." " Rudy, go with Mom." "I'll be right there, honey." "Come here, I want to talk to you." "Come here." "Come here." "Where'd you learn to drive like that?" "I guess last night, Dad." "Yeah?" "Must have been one hell of a crash course." "Look, don't worry about Grandpa." "The damage isn't that bad." "We'll get the car fixed." "Maybe he won't notice." "It's slipping!" "Look out, the beam!" "Stand clear!" "Oh, shit!" "I'm losing it!" "Look out!" "Hello?" "Hello?" "Anybody home?" "It's Grandpa." "What are you gonna tell him, Dad?" "Well, the truth could kill him, but I guess he's getting kind of old, huh?" "What's everybody sweating about?" "He's been away a long time." "He'll want to come in, relax." " Come on, damn it, open up." " He hasn't seen the twins yet." "I know my father." "Last thing in the world he's going to be worried about is his car." "Hi, Dad." " Where's my Caddy?" " Les did it!" "It was Les." "I didn't..." "What in the hell is that?" " Uh..." " Son of a bitch." "What in the hell is that?" "It's your car, Grandpa." "Your car." " Dad?" " What is it?" " What?" " What's the matter?" "Dad, what... what is it?" "Why are you laughing?" "Here, I had a little trouble with your car too." "My BMW?" "Son of a bitch!" "Yo." "Les, you know how you said when you got your license, you wanted a BMW?" "Well, here you go." "It's all yours." "Take good care of it." "Thanks, Dad, that's very generous of you." "But, you know, I don't need the BMW anymore." "Les?" "I already have a Mercedes." "Don't wait up, guys."