"(whistling)" ""Ah good taste, what a dreadful thing!" "Taste the enemy of creativity." Pablo Picasso" "I We are the Smilecorp I" "I Corporation I" "I We bring smiles across the nation I" "I We bring smiles to young and old I" "I We smile all day though it's cold I" "I So lift your hearts and sing our song I" "I If you're with us you can't go wrong I" "I We are the Smilecorp Corporation I" "I Happy to bring you mirth and elation I" "I Mirth and elation across the nation I" "I Mirth and elation I" "I Across the nation..." "I" "(both moaning)" "(laughing)" "(dog barking, jackhammer pounding)" "(female bird chirping)" "(wedding procession playing)" "Well, back to work." "You know I love you, but I've got to finish this Beckerman account." "(zipper unzipping)" "(horse whinnies)" "How about one of your hot kisses?" "Let me look into your bedroom eyes." "Hey, hey, hey!" "I'm trying to sleep here!" "(footsteps)" "(zipper unzipping, thudding)" "Woman:" "Oh, Grant, you're awfully big." "In fact, you're very, very big!" "Mother, you won't believe-the phones dead." "(screaming)" "I I'm so happy:" "I I'm so happy, you're so happy, everybody's happy I" "I I'm happy that you're happy I'm so happy I" "Hello, darling." "Come in, sweetie." "Hello, sweetie." "Mother, Grant is not the same man I married." "He is changed." "Your father and I never approved of Grant." "You could do better." "(clock ticking)" "(father breathing heavily)" "(heavy breathing continues)" "Mother, some very strange things have been happening." "Mother:" "You know men." "They have certain needs." "No, I mean really bizarre things." "Oh, it's gotten that far?" "Woman:" "Soup's on!" "Father:" "Dear God, thank you for this bountiful food that graces our lovely table." "I realize you didn't actually plant and fertilize this delightful meal." "And don't forget your shipping and your distribution." "Then you got your packaging and your advertising." "Then those fucking sale taxes, Jesus Christ!" "Those goddamn clowns in Washington!" "Always gouging the fucking middle class." "I swear, I'm gonna get my gun and kill those motherfuck-Amen!" "Could I please have the salt?" "We try to keep this house as clean as possible." "Otherwise, we get bugs." "Oh, mother!" "Bugs?" "Those ugly, dirty creatures." "Buggy!" "Buggy!" "Buggy!" "..." "Mother, are you okay?" "(Grant humming)" "We don't approve of that kind of music in this house." "Music?" "(ragtime playing)" "Ooh." "I We are the Smilecorp Corporation I" "You, young men are my top talent" "Smilecorp needs you." "So I've asked you here to present your new shows for the upcoming season." "My show is the ultimate in high art." "Roll the tape." "(Classical music playing)" "Hmm." "(buzzing)" "My--my idea is very revolutionary." "It's--it's called "World-class amoeba wrestling"" "Uh, I have a wonderful idea for a show." "Called, Rocks in love." "Hey, how about a kiss?" "I'm not that kind of rock." "Hmm." "(man groaning)" "I've got it!" "'The Belching Amoeba Rocks in Love!"" "All:" "Brilliant!" "Brilliant!" "He is a genius!" "Hey, Grant, how's it hanging?" "It's a great day for cuttin grass!" "Whoo-eee!" "Look at me!" "Whoo-eee!" "(laughing)" "Hey, check it out!" "Whoo!" "Look, Ma, no hands!" "Yee-ooh!" "Yee-haw!" "Ooh!" "Grass:" "Hey, Bud!" "Do you mind?" "Look at what that maniac is doing to my brothers and sisters." "Why do you people spend hundreds of dollars on fertilizer and plant food on us?" "And then perform horticultural genocide?" "If we were bigger, you wouldn't be doing this to us." "Ha!" "I'm gonna kill you!" "Cut you up!" "Cut you up!" "Push him back!" "Push him back!" "Way back!" "Push him back!" "Push him back!" "Way back!" "Cut the human!" "Cut the human!" "Cu-uut the human!" "Cut the human!" "Cut the human!" "Cu-uut the human!" "Poke his eye!" "Poke his eye!" "Po-ooke his-I'm" "gonna kill ya!" "I'm gonna kill ya!" "I'm gonna kill ya!" "Yeah, I'm gonna kill ya!" "I'm gonna kill ya!" "Yeah, yeah, yeah!" "I'm gonna kill!" "Gonna kill!" "Ah, yeah!" "(engine rewing)" "Bash his head!" "Ba-aash his head!" "Bash his head!" "Bash his head!" "Ba-aash his head!" "Mulch the dude!" "Mulch the dude!" "Mu-uulch the dude!" "Gonna kill you!" "Grant, save me!" "Grant, help me!" "I'm really sorry about all that, but it's been a very weird day for me." "(footsteps, door opens)" "(neighbor dialing phone)" "Hello, operator?" "Get me the Jackie Jason show." "My neighbor Grant, he has some amazing magical powers." "Woman's voice:" "What's wrong with Grant?" "Did he enroll in magic school?" "Or is he some kind of superhuman?" "(sobbing continues)" "Grant, what's happening to our marriage?" "You're so different" "Listen, Keri." "I don't know why I'm so weird, but when we took our wedding vows, we promised unconditional love." "If you got fat and wrinkled, I'd still love you." "(Keri screams)" "Away from me!" "Get!" "Get away!" "Oh!" "Grant!" "Grant, save me!" "(gasping, shrieking) Grant, save me!" "Grant, save me!" "Get it down from me!" "Grant!" "Grant, save me!" "Grant!" "(screaming)" "Get away!" "Get it--get, get, get!" "Get down!" "Get down!" "See?" "I still love you." "Love makes problems disappear." "I Would you love me if I forgot your birthday and gave your shoes away I" "I Refused to shave?" "I" "I Would you love me if I blew up a deli and got a big fat belly I" "I And became real smelly?" "I" "I Would you love me if I wore a tutu, rode a kangaroo I" "I With a beehive hairdo?" "I" "I Would you love me if I put a big rock in the toe of your sock I" "I And forced you to walk?" "I" "I Can't you see I" "I I love you I" "I I'm crazy 'bout you, babe I (whistling)" "I Don't you leave me, sweetie I" "I I'm comin' right away:" "I Would you love me if I was big as a whale, grew a great green tail I" "I Left slime like a snail?" "I" "I Would you love me if I took off my clothes stuck a garden hose I" "I Way up my nose?" ":" "I Would you love me if I had a hundred fingers and they were all singers I" "I And were out of key?" "I (singing out of key)" "I Would you love me if I followed the fad, dressed like a shad I" "I And blew your dad?" "I" "I Can't you see I" "I I love you?" "I" "I Crazy bout you, babe I" "I Don't you leave me, sweetie I" "I I'm comin' I" "I Right away I" "I Would you love me if I took a big old chainsaw into bed with us I" "I And started that sucker up?" "I" "I Put on the ski mask and got all hog-wild?" "I" "I Whoo I" "Woo-hoo!" "Hello!" "Come on over, baby." "(opera music playing)" "Grant, stop this right now." "(Grant moans)" "Damn it, Grant!" "When we have sex, I want you to have it with me alone!" "Keri:" "Oh, yeah." "Oh, yeah." "Keri:" "Grant!" "Stop this, right now!" "They're not up there anymore!" "(Keri singing high note)" "(intense moaning)" "Old woman:" "Oh, Edgar." "(applause)" "Man:" "Here he is, the toast of Hollywood," "Jackie Jason!" "Hey, do we have a show for you tonight." "The ever-popular Solly Jim, fresh from his big smash week in Vegas." "And Grant Boyer, a sensational young illusionist" "Hey, how bout that mess in Washington?" "Crazy stuff, huh?" "Wow!" "Solly Jim!" "I wish my wife were here to meet you, but she's leaving me." "She thinks I'm a nutcase." "God, what is happening to my life?" "You seem depressed, Grant." "It's a mess!" "I'm at the end of my tether." "(sobbing)" "Oh, God." "Oh, God." "Look at that." "You know where that stuff comes from?" "Well, it all starts when you wear a tight-collared shirt." "The shirt depresses your Adam's apple until you yawn, which allows sunlight to hit the back of your throat" "A patch of tiny hairs grow, that eventually becomes a hair ball that falls into the stomach, where it rolls around, and exits through the stomach escape-hatch." "The mix of hair and gunk flows into the small intestine, where it tickles the sensitive walls, and is ejected at the speed of sound and hits the rib cage, which aims it at the belly button." "If the velocity is sufficient, it squeezes through the bounce off your shirt, and gets lodged in the belly button." "And--and they found eight chickens in his pants." "(laughter)" "Here he is, folks:" "Mr. Vegas himself, Solly Jim." "How do you tell when you're at a bulimic bachelor party?" "The cake pops out of the babe!" "(crickets chirping)" "Did you hear about the artist with a bad case of psoriasis?" "He asked the model to come up and see his itchings!" "(crickets chirping)" "Boy, this is a tough audience." "My career is over if I don't get a laugh on this next joke." "Here's my impression of a sock." "(laughter, applause)" "My mother always warned me about playing with myself." "(laughter, applause continue)" "Hey, fella, how about a little head?" "Woo-hoo!" "Wee!" "Yee-ha!" "Whoo!" "Yeah, baby!" "You!" "Hey, Solly, I like the new direction in the humor." "Now get your bloody head off my couch." "Mr. Boyer, you're on." "What do you think, kid?" "Glad I could help you out." "Was that your doin', kid?" "God bless you." "You saved my career." "If you need anything, give me a call." "Just remember, kid, if you see someone without a smile, just give 'em one of yours." "(audience laughing)" "(applause)" "You've got a nasty boil here." "That won't do for national TV." "Here's our next guest, Grant Boyer." "I hear you do illusions." "Well, uh, I guess." "Well, I guess." "Can you turn this glass into a--huh?" "Turn it into a pen." "Well, thanks for joining us, folks." "Tomorrow night, we have Sean Young and--huh?" "Whoa!" "Ah!" "Colonel, did you happen to see the Jackie Jason Show?" "Well I've asked you here for a very important mission." "Colonel:" "Yes, Mr. Giles." "See this man?" "I want him." "Get him." "Colonel, that was just the image from the projector." "I appreciate your enthusiasm, but we need this man alive!" "Gimme!" "No!" "No!" "No!" "No." "No." "No." "No." "I want my gun!" "Give me my gun!" "I want my gun!" "Very well." "Now take this." "Colonel Ferguson, get me that man." "Honey, I'm home!" "Honey!" "Honey, did you see me on TV?" "Honey." "Ker?" "Keri" "Honey." "Honey." "Don't you love me?" "Boo-boops." "Cutesy-wootsy face!" "I How'd you get to be so cute?" "I" "I Did you buy it like a suit?" "I" "I Were you hoppin' shopping boppin mopping'?" "I" "I Ooh, were you spendin' lots of loot?" "I" "I How'd you get so cute?" "I" "I How'd you get to be so hot?" "I" "I Did you pop out on the spot?" "I" "I Or did you sow it, mow it, blow it, show it, grow it I" "I Ooh, like a crop?" "I" "I How'd you get so hot?" "I" "I And the beauty that is you?" "I" "I Oh, I love it so I" "I I've been lost in your dream world I" "I That's why I wanna know, yeah:" "I How'd you get to be so buff?" "I" "I I wanna eat all your stuff I" "I Were you baking shakin' makin flaking caking'?" "I" "I Baby, I'm in love I" "I How'd you get so buff?" "I" "I How come you're so much fun?" "I" "I Honey, baby, you're no nun I" "I You're so nervy, curvy, swelvy I" "I Oh, please shoot me with a gun I" "I How'd you get so fun?" "I" "Keri, please let me in." "We can work this out." "I just wanna hold you." "What's with Grant?" "Is he a robot?" "Or maybe the antichrist?" "Keri:" "Go away, Grant!" "You're a very strange person!" "(applause)" "Hmm." "Jerry:" "I hear you do illusions." "(Giles moaning)" "Giles:" "Hmm." "Ah." "Oh!" "I I'm so happy, you're so happy, everybody's happy I" "I I'm happy that you're happy I'm so happy..." "I" "What?" "Oh." "Hmm." "Oh, I see." "(Giles groaning)" "Aha!" "(Grant muttering)" "Mr. Giles:" "So that's his secret weapon." "Yeah, right." "Keri, I think I found out where my weird powers came from." "Are you Mr. Grant Boyer?" "Could you come down for a chat?" "We saw you on TV." "I We are the Smilecorp Corporation I" "I We bring smiles across the nation I" "I We bring smiles to young and old I" "I We smile all day though it's..." "I" "You're quite a talent." "Are you coming along quietly or do I have to get rough?" "Well, gee, I don't know." "I should check with my wife first." "We--were newlyweds." "Gotcha!" "(fly buzzing)" "Fire!" "(bird chirping)" "Or... maybe, he's a space alien." "Or... a religious messiah." "Hey, you guys, cut that out!" "Keri!" "Keri, please let me in!" "Ker" "Keri!" "Oh, Keri!" "Oh, no." "It's worse than I thought" "He's working for the government" "Ferguson:" "Try your magic now, Mr. Boyer." "(Grant grunting)" "Take him away." "He's getting away!" "Fire!" "Colonel, why did he get away?" "And what about our tank battalion?" "They're occupied, sir." "Occupied?" "Mmm... doing it." "Doing what?" "Well, sir, you know-the in and out?" "Well, tell them to stop it." "Have you ever tried to tell a 50-ton tank to stop having sex?" "Find him or else!" "Welcome to Glass Land." "You're my first customer." "Hello?" "Welcome to Glass Land." "You're my first customer." "It's our grand opening." "(muzak playing)" "(woman screams)" "(register rings)" "Whoa!" "Whoa, whoa, whoa... (shouting continues)" "Whew!" "(glass rolling on floor)" "(glass shattering)" "(register ringing)" "(shattering, ringing continues)" "Have you seen a guy--oh." "There he is." "My favorite rhododendron bush." "Behind the burro!" "My terra-cotta burro." "Get him!" "My elf on a mushroom ornament." "Over there!" "My pissing' bumblebee fountain." "(machine gun fire)" "My ducks-plucking-elf-eyes birdbath." "No!" "My leaf blower!" "(machine gun fire)" "(engine sputtering)" "I Sometimes in the evening I" "I When shadows start to fall I" "I I find myself wondering I" "I Did we ever love at all?" "I" "I But then I go back I" "I Through faded photographs I" "I I wonder if our love I" "I Was meant to last I" "(door opens)" "I've got to find my husband!" "Let the woman go." "She's not a prisoner." "I I'm so happy, you're so happy, everybody's happy I" "I I'm happy that you're happy, I'm so happy I" "Oh, hello, darling." "Oh, Keri." "Are you okay?" "Come in, darling." "Solly, Solly, are you in there?" "Let me in." "Solly." "I I'm so happy, you're so happy, everybody's happy I" "I I'm happy that you're happy, I'm..." "I" "Solly, let me in." "Narrator:" "Welcome to 'How to make love to a woman."" "Undressing your mate is a very delicate matter." "It must be done subtly, yet with authority." "I recommend..." "the diversion technique." "Hugging and caressing are intensely exciting to the frauleins." "And when done properly, can leave a lasting impression on the affaire du coeur." "Hmm." "That gives me an idea." "Aha!" "Mm-hmm." "N--no, no!" "No, no!" "No, no, no..." "The nipples." "Oh, the nipples." "Just a light touch with the thumb and forefinger," "and they stand erect-- Oh, God!" "Jesus!" "Wow, that hurts!" "Proud to show themselves off to the world, as if to say to anyone around," "Oh, boy!" "My eye!" ""Here I am." "Fondle me." "Kiss me." "Love me." "Caress me." "Take me to the heights of sensual ecstasy.'" "Exotic accessories are a very important aspect to proper mating." "They insure that the male is appropriately excited." "Such things as spiked heels, fishnet stockings and tassels add an exotic and forbidden aura to the sex act" "Be playful." "Have fun with them." "That's what they're for." "They help spice up the sensual feast of pleasure." "Vive l'amour!" "(choir sings "Hallelujah Chorus")" "Narrator:" "Now that the preliminaries are out of the way, the mood is set" "It's now time for the ultimate act, the supreme gift of oneself to another." "Solly:" "Keep your shirt on." "I'm coming." "Grant, my boy!" "Grant:" "I've gotta use your phone." "Some army is trying to kill me." "And Keri thinks I'm from Mars." "So, are you married?" "Keri is almost divorced." "Hello?" "Let me talk to Keri, I know she's there." "Oh, it's you." "Well--it's Grant!" "My!" "Aren't you impulsive!" "I'm so depressed." "My marriage is over." "(sobbing)" "You know where tears come from?" "When the eye sees something sad, really sad, tiny light balls travel to the brain through the optical canal" "The brain heats up and releases sad little flakes." "They fall through the sadness artery into the heart." "The heart, heavy from these brain flakes and bodily fluids, fails--whoomp-onto the bladder, which sends a microscopic wave to the upper part of the body." "Some goes to the mouth and causes a frown, and the rest goes to the brain, which is hot with sadness." "The fluid hitting the hot brain produces condensation on the cranium's surface and it slides down an exit through the eye opening as tears." "You see this bump?" "It gives me these super powers." "But now that I'm with you, I'm safe." "(phone ringing)" "Mr. Giles, he's here." "You want me to bring him in?" "You've found him?" "Yes." "He's where?" "Mmm, what's your hurry, big fella?" "I love a man in uniform." "Something about slimy scales really makes me moist." "Mmm, do you like french kissing?" "Oh, aren't they cute?" "Colonel, where are you?" "We're waiting." "She can get a divorce." "So can I!" "(gunfire)" "That's a nasty bump on my head." "I'll have to use medication on that for sure." "Then my hair will fall out, so I'll have to use hair tonic and then hair remover." "And I'll flake, so I'll have to use a salve." "And my pores will open up so I've got to apply body ointments and skin creams, and Ill bloat and my skin will fall off." "Oh, boy." "Scabs and pus all over the place, and my face will turn into jell-o and I'll break out." "(gunfire continues)" "Please!" "Please!" "Please!" "Help!" "Thanks, Grant." "Giles:" "Don't be so naive, Solly." "Just because you brought Mr. Boyer in..." "You thought someone of your minuscule talent could have his own show?" "Oh, yeah?" "Oh, yeah, funny boy?" "Not so fast, or I pull the trigger." "Oh, yeah?" "Oh, yeah?" "Oh, yeah?" "Oh, yeah?" "Oh, yeah?" "Oh, yeah?" "Oh, yeah?" "Oh, yeah?" "Oh, yeah?" "Oh, yeah?" "Oh, yeah?" "Oh, yeah?" "Solly:" "Okay, this is getting us nowhere." "Let's all drop our guns on three." "One... two.., three." "Come on." "We must trust each other." "One... two.., three." "Okay, I'II drop mine first." "Come on, guys." "Let's shake and let bygones be bygones." "(Ferguson, Giles screaming)" "Solly:" "At last, to be the funniest man on the face of the earth." "So this guy walks into a bar with a duck on his head." "Bartender says, What'll you have?" "So the duck says" "Well, he split a gut on that one, Colonel." "The lobe, please." "Now I can set the world right." "Now for some throbbing military power." "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "Oops!" "Oops!" "Whoa!" "Oops!" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "Oops!" "Oops!" "Wait." "This is too bulky." "All I need is destruction at my fingertips." "Make way for the doctor of destruction." "All this destruction is making me excited." "I gotta pee." "(zipper unzipping)" "Ferguson:" "Uh-oh." "I've got to think of a better--aaah!" "At last, my communication network is complete." "Okay, world, here comes the new" "Larson P. Giles!" "Send in the nurse." "Hmm." "Maybe it needs a little pressure." "All right, funs over." "Give me the lobe." "I We are the Smilecorp Corporation I" "I We bring smiles across..." "I" "Kill the fuckers!" "Kill the fuckers!" "Kill the fuckers!" "Kill the fuckers!" "They're getting away!" "Grant:" "Keri?" "why did you come back to save me?" "Like you said, love is forever." "Besides, it was great sex." "But I'm so weird." "Oh, shut up and kiss me." "Hey, it's our friend the caterpillar!" "Thanks for the help!" "(engine cranking)" "(engine starts) -(guns cocking)" "Hey, you!" "(car alarms blaring)" "Thanks, Mac." "(timer beeping)" "Shh." "I We are the Smilecorp Corporation I Giles:" "Send in more troops!" "I We bring smiles across..." "I" "I just love convertibles." "Hey, slow down, will ya?" "Watch the corners." "Someone could get hurt." "Whoo-hoo!" "Let's rope and ground us a Heifer!" "Yee-haw!" "Ride 'em, cowgirl!" "Ferguson:" "We need help." "Send in the super gun." "Send in the super gun." "I We are the Smilecorp Corporation..." "I" "Oh, the super gun!" "Oh, no!" "We gotta get out of here." "It's the super gun." "We're all gonna die!" "We're all gonna die!" "It's the super gun!" "Let's get out of here!" "Aah, the super gun!" "(shouting, singing continue)" "(engine cranking)" "Lock on target." "Elevation: 536.29." "Longitude: 329.7." "Do it." "Commence countdown." "It's not too late, Grant." "Give up the lobe." "(engine starts)" "Give up the lobe, Grant" "Give up the lobe." "(engine cranking)" "Fire!" "(engine cranking)" "(engine starts)" "Hold on!" "I How'd you get to be so cute?" "I" "I Did you buy it like a suit?" "I" "I Were you hoppin shoppin' boppin mopping'?" "Ooh I" "I Spending lots of loot I" "I How'd you get so cute?" "I" "I How'd you get to be so hot?" "I" "I Did you pop out on the spot?" "I" "The lobe!" "(telegraph beeping)" "What the hell?" "Sacrebleu!" "Its working!" "Complete global communications!" "I can control everything!" "I can't be stopped now!" "(dog barking)" "Grant:" "My huggie lamb." "(Keri giggling)" "Huh, poopsie-woopsie?" "(giggling continues)" "My pookie pants." "Grant, I take it all back!" "Will you forgive me, Grant?" "(giggling, moaning)" "What's happening, Keri?" "I've been watching a lot of P/lately." "I How'd you get to be so cute?" "I" "I Did you buy it like a suit?" "I" "I Were you hoppin shoppin' boppin mopping'?" "I" "I Ooh, were you spendin' lots of loot?" "I" "I How'd you get so cute?" "I" "I How'd you get to be so hot?" "I" "I Did you pop out on the spot?" "I" "I Or did you sew it, mow it blow it, show it, grow it I" "I Ooh, like a crop?" "I" "I How'd you get so hot?" "I" "I And the beauty that is you I" "I Oh, I love it so I" "I I'm lost in your dream world I" "I That's why I want to know I" "I How'd you get to be so buff?" "I" "I I want to eat all your stuff I" "I Were you baking shakin' makin flaking caking'?" "I" "I Baby, I'm in love I" "I How'd you get so buff?" "I" "I How come you're so much fun?" "I" "I Honey baby, you're no nun I" "I You're so nervy curvy, swervy, ooh I" "I Please shoot me with a gun I" "I How'd you get so fun?" "I" "(explosion)" "(gunfire)"