"( theme music playing )" "( playing theme music )" "some of you may be itching to know why i am sitting at the piano." "the reason is sad but simple." "after an exciting chase, monsieur leclerc, our regular pianist, has just been arrested by the gestapo on suspicion of concealing" "975,000 forged francs down his trousers." "at the time of his arrest he was disguised as a pillow stuffer with... with feathers in his hat, because he was delivering two parachutes to help the british airmen escape inside two dummy land mines which are to be attached" "to a german bomber and dropped over london." "this simple little plot was hatched by british intelligence in between doing crossword puzzles and reading a paper which i believe to be called "the beano."" "rene," " here is my music." " ah." "how good it is to see you at the piano once more." "do you remember the way you used to play for me when we first met?" "i played in all the bars in those days." "i was know as syncopated sydney." "oh, play for me once again, rene." "♪ i love you as i've never loved before ♪" "( off-key ) ♪ loved before ♪" "♪ since first i met you on the village green ♪" "♪ village green ♪" "♪ come to me ere my dream of life is o'er ♪" "♪ life is o'er ♪" "♪ i love you as i loved you ♪" "♪ when you were sweet ♪ both:" "♪ when we were sweet ♪" "♪ sixteen. ♪ oh, rene, how it all comes flooding back." "just like a typhoon." "do you remember the way i used to sing for you under the old willow tree by the river?" "oh, yes indeed." "the trouble i had lugging this piano down there." "why do we not get married again, rene?" "( rene plays bad notes ) what have we got to lose?" "well... are you afraid i might run off with a younger man?" "that could be one of the problems, yes." "i would not do it." "i am in the autumn of my life." "there is the hammer toe on my right foot, the bunion on my left, and the first murmurings of sciatica in my right hip." "you might still hobble off with a younger man." "i promise you, rene, i will be by your side 24 hours a day." "what do you say?" "edith, edith, i do not know one man who could resist such an offer, but you have forgotten denise laroque, the leader of the communist resistance, she is wild about me." "she would kill any woman whose lips even brushed against mine." "oh, rene, you are my wonder man." "always you think only of me." "oh, let me kiss those magic fingers." "one of denise's friends might see us through the window." "i have good news, herr flick." "i have finally caught the wandering pillow stuffer." "he is outside." "then bring him in." "bring the prisoner in here!" "leave us." "i suppose you thought because van smallhausen was very small and walked with a limp that you could outpace him." "little do you know he was the cross-country limping champion of westphalia." "listen to me, pillow stuffer." "an anonymous person informed us on the telephone that you have something of great value in your trousers." "was it madame lenare from the dress shop?" "we are not concerned with the identity of the informant." "berlin, however, is interested in the contents of your trousers." "the whole of berlin, or just hitler?" "take them off!" "if you please, sir, i would rather not." "von smallhausen?" "yes, herr flick." "remove the trousers." "yes, herr flick." "not you, the prisoner." "yes, herr flick." "very well." "i will do this under protest." "what do you think, von smallhausen?" "rather disappointing, herr flick." "where is it?" "where is what?" "the forged money." "i know nothing of any forged money." "lock him up while i decide what to do with him." "but if i could... yes, general." "of course, general." "it is indeed terrible news, general." "you may rely on me to act instantly." "the resistance have stolen two of our latest land mines." "not the mark vi?" "the mark vi." "( spits; cuspidor rings ) those damned resistance people are getting very cheeky." "they make you look the right monkey, no?" "( cuspidor rings ) i think maybe they blow you up." "we must find these land mines at once." "( spits )" "in case they plan to blow up your place, i think i go to my place." "a typical wop reaction." "we face being blown up 24 hours a day, don't we, gruber?" "i prefer not to think about it." "do you see me twitching?" "do you see me looking nervous?" "no. i have more important things to think about." "aaagh!" "it is all right, colonel, it was only captain bertorelli." "silly schoolboy prank." "colonel, i have serious news." "what is it, helga?" "in his quest for the missing gestapo forged francs, herr flick has arrested the old piano player from the cafe." "what's serious about that?" "he's only a frenchman." "two minutes before he would have taken me, bertorelli, italian war hero." "somebody, he tell the gestapo i have 975,000 francs down my trousers." "herr flick has announced that if the money is not returned, the pianist will be taken to the town square and shot." "that's not important." "the money's at the cafe." "rene can return it anonymously." "captain bertorelli, where precisely did you put it?" "one of the waitresses, the one with the little body and the big mouth, she stuff it inside the oven." "gruber, what is your relationship with rene?" "i think he trusts me." "it is possible he knows something about the land mines." "go and see him." "help him get the money back to the gestapo." "worm your way into his confidence." "he might drop something." "we can but hope." "mamma!" "what are you doing out of bed?" "too long i have been up in that room starving on what you give me." "so i am cooking myself a big baked potato." "oh, mamma, you are a wonder." "edith, we have customers." "what is this old bat doing down here?" "is it not wonderful, rene?" "her appetite has returned." "she is going to have a big baked potato." "potato?" "where did she get it?" "where did you get it from?" "you concealed it from me-- from behind the cistern in the bathroom." "inside that potato is the spy camera for photographing the german invasion plans." " what have you done with it?" " it is in the oven!" "the forged money is in the oven!" "my god!" "( coughing )" "is it done?" "done?" "you have just burned a spy camera and 1,000,000 francs." "do not worry, rene, it was forged money." "it is the camera i am worried about." "well, i am not to blame." "i shall tell the resistance that it was this deaf old crone that did it." "then i shall tell the germans about the paintings, and the airmen, and the stolen land mines." "ha ha ha-- i can finger you, buddy, and get you sent to the big house just like that!" "is there no end to the evil in this woman?" "get her back to her bedroom and bung up her ear trumpet." "rene, that british idiot who thinks he can speak french is in the cafe." "he is asking for you." "oh my god." "good moaning." "good moaning." "i have bad nose." "this piece of poper has been pisted... on the wills of the town squeer." "it is a picture of monsieur leclerc." "without his trousers!" "unless the money stolen from the gestapo is returned within 24 hours, this man will be shot in the town square." "what are we going to do?" "we cannot let them shoot the pianist." "we cannot give them back the money." "your mother has just burnt it in the oven." "it seems to moo that things are gooing from bid to woss." "could we not forge some more money to give to the gestapo?" "how can we?" "the forger is the one they are going to shoot!" "under threat of death, he may reveal our connection with the resistance." "we could all be shot in the town square." "and all because your mother wanted a baked potato." "i know monsieur leclerc, he is a brave man." "he will hold out to the very last moment, bravely hoping the money will be returned." "and when it is not returned?" "he will drop us in it." "rene, lieutenant gruber, the one that fancies you, is coming across the town square." "act normally." "i've been doing that for weeks." "it does not discourage him." "i will goo down the back pissige." "ah, rene." "ah, lieutenant gruber, come in." "your usual?" "thank you." "you look pale, and your hands are trembling." "well, it is the worry about the war and hoping that you will win, of course." "i have come to help you give that money back to the gestapo so that your pianist can be released." "lieutenant, that will be a little difficult." "my wife's mother has just cooked the money for lunch." "oh dear, this is not good news." "however, rene, all is not lost." "you have, i take it, heard the expression, if you scratch my back, then i will scratch your back?" "it is not one i use every day, but yes." "i could very likely help you if you could let something drop." "i see." "on the other hand, he was not a very good pianist." "do you have any information as to the whereabouts of the stolen land mines?" "no, lieutenant, but should i hear anything i will, of course, let you know at once." "because if they were returned, i am sure i could arrange for the release of the pianist." "i see." "remember, rene, my door is always open." "i am sure it is, lieutenant." "by the way, i have moved my room." "i now have one with a most beautiful view." "it is at the very top of the west tower." "it is always good to have a friend in high places." "oh, rene, what a wag." "yvette!" "we must at once make contact with michelle." "the only way to secure the release of monsieur leclerc is by giving back the land mines." "she is across the town square in the yard of the builder, with the airmen." "you finish serving these customers and then we will go to her." "helen, are the airmen inside?" "they have been in there for one hour." " one hour?" " it is the time it will take for the german bomber to get from france to england." "they should be acclimatized by now." "i think they are still breathing." "good, we will now practice their release." " hello." " hello." "now listen, chaps." "we'll pretend you're somewhere over england at 5,000 feet." "the bombs will be dropped, they'll be slowed down by a small parachute, so that will give you about 30 seconds to unscrew your nuts," "you will open the top, and climb out." "next, you sit astride the bomb, pull out your parachute, adjust the webbing, jump off and pull the rip cord." "is that clear?" "it's rather a lot to remember." "is there any chance of writing it down?" "you couldn't read in the dark." "good thinking." "right." "stand by." "to represent the release we will both give you a bang with a hammer." "shut your traps." "on the count of three, one, two, three." "( loud bang ) both:" "ohh!" "ow!" "i say, do you have to do that?" "it went right through me." "couldn't you just tap with your hand gently?" "all right, chaps." "start again." "30, 29," "28, 27," "26, 25," "24, 23," "22, 21," "20, 19," " 18..." " what is going on?" "the airmen are practicing their escape." "they have 30 seconds before they hit the ground." "( wrench clanks on floor ) i've dropped the spanner." "can i borrow yours?" "don't be silly." "here it is." "start again." "thanks awfully." "one, two, three... listen, if we do not get these bombs back to the germans they are going to shoot the pianist." "impossible, they cannot have them." "i say!" "i've got a crossed thread on one of my nuts." "helen, give it a bang with your hammer." "ow!" "why do you not give the germans back their money?" "it has been cooked with the potato by his wife's mother." "can you get nothing right?" "hurray!" "i've done it." "england, here i come!" "i say, fairfax, don't forget your parachute." "oh, of course." "silly me." "( clanging ) i've dropped my spanner again." "here, have mine." "i've finished with it." "thanks." "there is only one course open to us." "we must get on the radio and ask british intelligence to help us." "if this is an example of their handiwork, i do not think we have much hope." "what do i do next?" "pull the rip cord." "you know, i'm not too keen on this idea." "herr flick of the gestapo!" "i have here orders from berlin requiring you to provide a firing squad to execute the wandering pillow stuffer." "if the money is not returned, you are to shoot him in the town square at 7:00 in the morning." "it is signed by heinrich himmler." "i keep this." "me, i collect the autographs." "those are your orders, that is all." "hell hitler." "( all meekly ) heil hitler." "this is going to make us very unpopular." "especially you, gruber." "colonel, i did it last time." "i really don't think it is my turn." "i think you are right." "bertorelli, you wanted to be in this war, your troops can do the shooting." "me?" "oh no." "me and my men we are all italian war heroes." "we do not shoot old pianists, even the lousy ones." "i am your superior officer." "you will do as i say, or i will report you to berlin, hitler will hear about it, he will tell mussolini and he will send you to the desert to fight montgomery." "he is the one with two badges in his hat." "oh, no!" "please, colonel." "not the one with two badges in his hat." "i talk to my men, we shoot the pianist." "what is happening?" "there is no sign yet of monsieur leclerc." "what is the time?" "it is 10 minutes to 7:00." "oh, look!" "there is the firing squad." "a right, a left, a right, a left... keep up the step!" "a left, a right, a left, a right... make the halt!" "make the right turn!" "make the stand at easy." "and move your feet, move your feet." "get in line!" "good." "good moaning." "where have you been?" "the r.a.f. was supposed to drop that money last night." "i wetted all night in the woods... flushing my titch." "then why did they not come?" "the bummers pissed overhead," "but the clods were very loo, and it was a bit figgy." "it is monsieur leclerc!" "oh, the poor man." "is no need to push." "make the attention!" "if the money is not returned in two minutes, the wandering pillow stuffer will die." "give him the money!" "oh, roger, have courage!" "keep you chin up." "i have prayed for the money." "a fat lot of good it is doing!" "load the guns!" "what happens if he cracks at the last minute and drops us right in it?" "do not worry." "i have guns trained on him by our markswoman." "you have one last chance to tell us where you have hidden the money." "very well, i will tell you everything." "she missed!" "edith, what did you do with that hand grenade?" "the bummers." "capitano, is a raid!" "we come back later, eh?" "you stay where you are." "you take the aim, okay?" "come on!" "♪ i see children of the marseillaise ♪" "♪ shout freedom... ♪ michelle, rene, look!" "it is the 1,000,000 francs!" "in the nick of tomb." "pardon me interrupting, herr flick, but the money is here." "fellahs, quick!" "grab the dough!" "you no grab the dough, you take the aim." "( theme music playing )"