"Look at Aunt Eva." "That hat is awful." "And the crying, Jesus." "Are you buying it?" "I'm on the fence." "She did take acting lessons." "Yeah, from who?" "Move it along, Jack." "You didn't even like him." "Dad owed him money." " How much?" " $14." "He sent me some cryptic invoice in the mail." "Did you pay it?" "No." "He'll get his money's worth at the buffet later." "Is he going for the cuff links?" "I had 'em glued on." "Mom's turn." "This will be interesting." "And didn't even try." "I actually respect that." "When's the last time you spoke?" "We e-mailed in June." " Unbelievable." " Thank you." "Please never do that to me." "Fine." "Oh, honey, he was so blessed to have kids like you." "You know he's smiling down on you from heaven." "That is so kind." "If he's smiling, it's 'cause he's looking down her shirt." "Why are all old people obsessed with heaven?" "If all they have left to look forward to." "Come on, let's get this over with." "Are those all his girlfriends?" "Just the latest bunch." "Surprisingly well-behaved." "They think they're in the will?" "He looks bloated." "Not enough embalming fluid." "How did they fuck that up?" "I mean, this is how people will remember him." "He'll be forgotten in a week." "Do you hear that?" "Sonny boy." "How's about a beer for you old man?" "Did you have a bad dream?" "Only that I woke up and you were gone." "You did not." "You're right, my real dream was much worse." "I had fun tonight." "Me too." "Let's go out again." "Nothing's open this late." "Go back to sleep, babe." "Walk of shame." "I offered her a t-shirt." "You could have offered her a ride." "Please." "I got her an Uber." "What a gentleman." "Speaking of gentlemen." "Should I make another omelet?" "He slipped out discretely." "Nicely done." "Come on, Laura." "How you feeling?" "Fine, you don't have to ask me that every morning." "I'm excited about tonight." "I know you are." "It's hard for me to describe." "It's something kind of fucked-up." "Good." "That's my specialty." "It's just..." "I've been dreaming about fucking my dad." "Er, my dad fucking me, technically." "That's quite an image to wake up from." "How has communication been with your father?" "Whoa, I don't want to fuck my dad!" "Okay." "I mean..." "Do I wanna fuck my dad?" "I don't know, Tom." "Do you?" "No." "Well, I think you have your answer." "Am I gay then?" "Is that what it means?" "Are you attracted to men?" "No." "Well, then you're probably not gay." "Okay." "Then what the fuck?" "Exactly, what the fuck." "Just the same question we've been asking our dreams since... ancient Egyptians, really." "You know, Freud believes that..." "Look, I know your job is to be abstract, but I need something more concrete." "Can you please just tell me what my dream means?" "All right, Tom, many people struggle with the concept of wanting to make their parents proud, it's genetic from birth." "We need their affection and their approval in order to survive." "So, your unconscious has found a very colorful way of painting one of the oldest ones in the book." "You want to please your father." "If anyone calls, just say I'm in a session." "Will do." "You ever online date?" "Sure." "Do you do any prep, or just go in blind, or..." "I do my research." "I don't have a death wish." "So, you mean on Facebook?" "Yes, on Facebook and Instagram, Twitter, Linkedin, Vine, LuLu," "Match, OkCupid..." "Oh, God." "You didn't look him up?" "What if he's awful like a serial killer." "Or Armenian." "Oh, I wanna study you." "People always say that." "Okay." "How do I look?" " Honestly." " Yeah." "If doesn't fuck you, I will, and you don't even have to buy me dinner." "Thanks, Leia." "I won't go down on you, though." "I did that once to a girlfriend in college and got bronchitis, so it would have to be like a strap-on situation or like scissors." "Okay." "Two very good options." "Can you at least tell me what we matched on?" "I constructed your profile to maximize compatibility." "So, pictures, interests, personal info. 36-year-old woman." "I am 39." "You'll figure that out." " What?" " Your mom is still here." "So." "Your uncle was watching us in the hot tub." "I seriously doubt that." "I saw him looking through the window." " It was creepy." " Who cares?" "It's just weird, you all living in this house together." "It's not weird." "He and my mom are best friends, and he's really depressed." "Seems all right." "Exactly, he tries to hide it, but I've seen his medicine cabinet." "Look, do you want to have sex or not?" "Come in." "Wait." "We're we're heading out." "Okay." "So, call if you need anything." " Okay." " And don't mess with the DVR." "I'm recording an episode of Man vs. Food." "Okay." "Emile." "Alex." "Why were you watching them?" "They woke me up." "I just wanted to make sure you knew." "I've had her on the pill since she was 12." "I buy her condoms." "Magnums, I hope." " Really?" " Oh, yeah." "Huh, it's never the ones you expect." "It's like a soda can." "What are you jealous?" "Of course, you want me to drive?" "No, I don't mind." "If I drive, you can drink more." "Alcohol's a proven libido strengthener." " You all right?" " Yes." "Is that him?" "Valerie?" " Ian." " Wow." " Hi." " You're really hot." "Thank you." "I thought be based on your pictures, but you never know." "Oh, well." "Some women have this weird obsession with trying to fix every little thing and it just looks bad." "Yes, I totally agree with that." "And then here you are." "Aging naturally and embracing it." "So refreshing." "Thank you." "Hey, do you like scotch?" "Um, not... not really." "You?" "My dad used to put a shot in my milk bottle every night before bed." "Oh, sounds like child abuse." "Is our a table ready?" "We have a risotto with asparagus and morels toped with shaved white truffles and lastly a Wild Alaskan Cod cooked in lemon butter and cooked over rice pilaf." "I believe we have two left if you're interested." " Ooh, I want that." " Very good." "Oh, but I'll have the bacon burger, well done, no bun." "And for you, sir?" "I'll try the cod." " What was that about?" " What?" "Why didn't you get the cod?" "Oh, I'm Paleo." "It's why I'm drinking water." " Ah." " I only consume foods that were available during the Paleolithic Era." "They didn't have cod during the Paleolithic Era?" "Not with lemon butter." "It's healthier." "A hamburger with bacon?" "Yeah." "It's the bun that's bad for you." "Pretty sure that's not true, but okay." "Cave men, they didn't eat any processed grains or sugar and they lived much longer, healthier lives than us." "Again, I'm pretty sure that's not true, but I'm happy to move forward without an argument." "It's scientific." "Like, they've done studies." "A guys told me about it at Cross-Fit." "We lasted 16 years, raised a daughter together and then, a month ago, he left me for a younger woman." "That sucks." "I mean, we have some problems, but I thought we'd deal with it when off to college, but I guess he couldn't wait." "Yeah, I was married, too." "Wish someone would have warned me." "Oh, what happened?" " It didn't work out." " I'm sorry." "It's hard, isn't it?" "Yeah, but I try to focus on what's working." "43 as a guy, that's the sweet spot for dating." "It's a positive way of looking at it." "And everybody's in line... 20s, 30s, 40s." "It's almost too easy." "So many options you have." "So many options." "Oh, yeah, it's amazing." "Online dating." "You answer a couple questions, the computer does its thing." "And now here we are." "So, you're a trainer?" "Master Fitness Instructor." " Sorry." " That's okay." "Just kind of my pet peeve, you know?" "It's like when someone calls a doctor "mister."" "So, what kind of classes does one take to get a degree in fitness instruction." "I don't know." "I was a communications major." "I've been thinking about working out more, but I don't know." "I think going to the gym give me PTSD." "My dad has PTSD." "He was in the war." "That's cool." "Must have been fun to see the world." "So, what do you do with you spare time." "Started a website that's kinda taking off, so I do that." "Mostly I just hang out." "What's the site?" " The site that set us up?" " Bingo." "You use your own dating site." "I wrote the matching algorithm." "And does that algorithm match you with any girl you find attractive." "Pretty much." "So, you set us up." "Me, the site... it's all the same really." "Excuse me for just one second." "What's up?" "His favorite movie is Underworld." "With Kevin Costner?" "No, that's Waterworld." "Which would be a step up from Underworld." "He gets great ratings." "Women rave about him." "Well, the women on you website are subhuman." "That's mean." "And mostly not true." "How's yours going?" "She's a fitness freak." "I hate her." "We should go." "I think I'm going to try to take her home." "Why?" "Well, the sex will suck and she won't call, and the it'll be on her for not putting in more effort." " Jesus." " You should try it." "I am not gonna sleep with that guy, okay?" "He smells like college." "Hi!" " Is everything all right?" " Yeah." "We were just finishing up." "This is Alex." "This is my brother." "Sup?" "Why is your brother here?" "I'm on a date." "Do you always date at the same restaurants." " Starting to, kind of." " No, no, no." "Wow, and then you go in the back and say hurtful things about the people you're with." "I think you're reading too much into it." " No." " Yeah, I use Old Spice." "It's a popular deodorant and I like the smell." "Hey, sorry, didn't mean to interrupt." "Are you his date?" "Yeah." "Kay, that's his sister and they were shit-talking us back here." "What?" "Yeah, he said I smell bad and he said you're a fitness freak." "Caring about your body isn't something to be ashamed of." "Okay." "Were you two hooked up on Snooger?" "Yeah." "Yeah, you're probably not compatible." " He rigged the algorithm." " I wrote the algorithm." " That's really dishonest." " Online dating is dishonest." "You put up you best pictures and personality traits." "You lie about how much money you make, how many partners you've had..." "I've seen both your profiles." "They're filled with lies." "Do you like scotch?" "I would drink anything right now." "See, even your caveman diet's a lie." "Fuck you." " Fine, we can leave." " Thank you." " Hey." " Hi." "How'd it go?" "Not great." "Sorry." "Is Emile gone?" "Yeah." "Alex saw you in the hot tub." "You know, I give you a lot of freedom because I trust you to act like an adult." "Please don't make me regret that." "So, you didn't bring him back then?" " No." " Oh." "Thought you wanted to borrow a condom." " Good night." " Night." "We're at a funeral..." "Dad's funeral." " Am I there?" " Oh, yeah." "Whole family's there and his harem." "Typical." "What are we doing." "Just shitting all over everybody." "Criticizing Aunt Eva, cousin Jane." "See, that seems inappropriate, even for us." "Normally, I'd agree with you, but everyone's so awful, it's impossible not to." "Even in my dreams, I don't relate to people." "Maybe if you stopped having short, meaningless relationships." "And have one long meaningless relationship?" "My marriage was not meaningless." "Oh, God, tonight was a disaster." "I can set another one for tomorrow." "No, no." "I don't know." "Maybe I'm not ready." "I mean, the whole night, I just kept picturing" "Drew in that restaurant watching me with that idiot and laughing." "Yeah, well he wouldn't be laughing if you'd taken that idiot home and fucked him." "You make an awful therapist." "I'm serious." "You want to stop thinking about Drew?" " Yes." " Go be with somebody." "I don't know if I can." "Why are you looking so smug?" "You think Northwestern will take a 14-10?" "No, the won't because you extra curriculars are fucking average at best." "Come on, we're gonna be late for your tutors." " Good game." " I didn't even play." "I hate team sports." "I'm just doing it for the P.E. credit." "Who's that?" "Molly Hartsler." "She's a total whack job." "I can tell." "Yeah, her husband killed himself last year." "That makes sense." "You tried to kill yourself, didn't you?" "Debatable." "My mom said you jumped off your deck." "I did, but it was more exploratory than anything." "Only broke my leg." "If you were serious, you would have used a gun." "Exactly." "I'm sorry about the other night with Emile." "What?" "Oh, and Drew wants the cars." "Valerie doesn't care about the cars." "Nice, easy, so, if everything else is settled, let's move on to the house." "Valerie still wants to sell the house." "Drew still wants Valerie to take the house and he'll take the investments and CDs." "That is not gonna work for Valerie." "Drew would like to point out that the value of the house exceeds the value of the investments and CDs." "Valerie doesn't care about the value of the house or the value of the investments and CDs." " I want full custody." " Oh, come on, Val." "Drew, please, just let me handle it." "What, she wants full custody, but she doesn't want the house?" "This is ridiculous." "Where are you two going to live." "With Alex for now." "Living with him isn't healthy for her." "Well, neither is walking in and seeing her dad's dick in a 20-year-old." "Yeah, let's not make this about that." "How is this not about that?" "Ask yourself why I want the 20-year-old." "$2,200 a month." "That's his stipend." "$2,200?" "I earned that money." "You're living rent-free, so that should be plenty." "I hope to God our daughter doesn't end up like you." "Oh, how am I, Drew?" "Cold." "Cold and alone." "Maybe we should, take a break." "Ha." "That didn't go well." "Where you going?" "Shut up." " I'm Valerie." " Leon, hi." "My name is Leon." "I already said that." "Can I buy you a drink, Valerie?" "Leon, let me ask you something." "If I asked you to take me home right now, what would you say?" "Did, Franco put you up to this?" "I don't know Franco." "Look, are you... you wanna take me home or should I ask somebody else?" "So, where are you from, Valerie?" "Let's not ruin this with conversation." "Jesus!" "I'm Alex." "Leon." "You're, Valerie's roommate?" "Her brother, yeah." "Good to have another guy around her, Leon." "I'll see you at breakfast." "Making waffles."