"# Knowing me, knowing you, a-ha" "# There is nothing we can do" "# Knowing me, knowing you, a-ha" "# We just have to face it, this time we're through" "# Knowing me, knowing you #" "A-ha!" "(MUSIC AND APPLAUSE)" "# Knowing me, knowing you #" "Welcome." "Welcome." "Welcome to "Knowing Me, Knowing You" with me, Alan Partridge." "Tonight, I am a rocket." "Prepare to board Sputnik Partridge and enter the stratosphere..." "Or should I say the "chatosphere"?" "(DRUMBEAT)" "Tonight's show is (HISSES) hot." "How hot, Alan?" "Well, imagine Debbie Harry in camiknickers spoon-feeding a beef vindaloo to Pan's People in a sauna in Bangkok." "That's half as hot as tonight's show." "Because among tonight's spicy guests," "I've got the hottest, sexiest dance act in Northern Europe, Hot Pants." "And, for the first time ever on an English-speaking chat show, a jacuzzi!" "(AUDIENCE) Whoo!" "I'll be getting in that later." "It's plumbed in, it's thermostatically controlled and it's set on "hot"." "But first, an apology." "In last week's show, I accused actor Roger Moore of being a towel thief." "This allegation was untrue." "Roger Moore has at no time stolen a towel, bath mat, flannel, shower curtain, sponge, or any other form of hotel bathroom accessory." "I, Alan Partridge, apologise unreservedly to Roger Moore for my ill-informed and ignorant comments, and I fully acknowledge that I am guilty of gross professional misconduct." "It's time now to welcome my resident house band, Glenn Ponder and Ferrari!" "(MUSIC AND APPLAUSE)" "# Knowing me, knowing you #" "Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Glenn Ponder." "A-ha." " A-ha." " Glenn, if this show was a train," " do you know what it would be?" " No, Alan." " The Chattanooga Choo-Choo." " (DRUMBEAT)" " But seriously..." " (WHISTLE)" "What..." "What was that whistle noise?" " It was meant to be the train, Alan." " We didn't do that in rehearsal." "It was meant to be a surprise." "Surprise me in rehearsal, Glenn." "Don't surprise me on a live television show." "It's a little bit naughty." "Shouldn't do that." "Glenn Ponder and Ferrari!" "(MUSIC AND APPLAUSE)" "Ooh, this show is hot." "You can really work up a thirst." "Ah!" "My first guest is a singer." "She's 41." "24 years ago, she was working in a shoe shop in Kansas City." "One day, a man came in and asked for a pair of turtle-green platform shoes." "As she slipped them on him, she started singing to herself." "The man said, "I won't have the shoes." "The bridge is too low." "I've got wide feet."" "His actual words." ""They don't fit, but your beautiful voice fits your face like a slipper." ""I'm going to make you a star."" "That man was Neil Sedaka." "Neil's not doing so well, but she is." "She's the biggest singing sensation in America, except for Barbra Streisand and Liza Minnelli." "She requires no introduction, but er...nevertheless, please welcome Gina Langland!" "(APPLAUSE)" "(FERRARI) # Thank you for the music" "# The songs I'm singing" "# Thanks for all the joy they're bringing" "# Thank you for the music" "# For giving it to me #" "Hi." "Ooh, dear." "Got an extra kiss for free." "Not that you normally charge." "Now, er..." "Now, Gina, you can't stay long, because in 40 minutes you're on stage at Earl's Court for the closing night of your sell-out concert tour." "Yeah, it's been wonderful, Alec." "I had no idea that I had so many fans." "Well, why book Earl's Court?" "It's massive." "Well, because it's just a wonderful venue." "It is." "They do the Ideal Homes Exhibition there." "I nearly opened it last year, but I was pipped at the post by Dave Lee Travis." "Again." " Who?" " "Who?" Exactly." "That's what I said." "Very good." "Now, it really would be great if you could stay a bit longer." "I'd love to stay for the whole show, but I can't." "We don't actually want you to stay for the whole show." "Just a little bit longer." "We have got other guests." "Hot Pants, they'll be on later." "Stay tuned, fellas. (HISSES)" "I just want you to stay a bit longer." "Please!" " I'd love to, but I'm late as it is." " Please." " I just can't." " Please." "(TERSELY) No, I can't." " Please." " We have four minutes, Alec." "Right." "Alan." "Four minutes." "OK." "Now, Gina, you're such a busy bee, aren't you?" "Buzzing from flower to flower, collecting cash-pollen in the sacs on the back of your legs..." "not literally!" "That would be hideous." "I mean, if you were a bee." "What I'm trying to say is...you're so..." " Do you ever get time off?" " It's funny you say that." "Tomorrow I begin a month's vacation." " Lovely." "Where?" " Barbados." " I'm going there soon." " Really?" "Yeah, I'm doing an advert for Sprunt." "It's a new tropical fruit drink...from Germany." " Are you allowed to advertise on the BBC?" " I'm not advertising." "That's illegal." "No." "I'm simply saying that I'm doing an advert for Sprunt, the new tangy tropical fruit drink from Germany." " I'm not advertising." " What do you have to do in the ad?" "Basically, I'm on a beach and I lie on a hammock sipping Sprunt, surrounded by half-naked tropical dancers." " Who are they?" " Hot Pants." "They're on the show tonight." "Um, Alec, can I suggest that we do the song now?" "No, that's a surprise." "No..." "First, there's a present I want to give to you." "This is a new regular section of the show called "Alan's Big Pocket"." "In this section, I put my hand into my Big Pocket and I produce something I think my guest will like." "So will you now bring on Alan's Big Pocket?" "(APPLAUSE)" "Let's turn out Alan's Big Pocket and see what's in it." "It's two Victorian dogs." "(APPLAUSE)" "This one's Sherlock Holmes." "This one's Queen Victoria." "Now, Gina, when I was on the phone to your manager in Los Angeles, he mentioned that you loved collecting Victorian dogs." "Voila, two Victorian dogs, courtesy of Alan Partridge." " Victorian dolls." " What?" "I collect Victorian dolls." " Not Victorian dogs?" " Well, what are Victorian dogs?" "I've no idea." "We thought it'd be something like this." " Do you like dogs?" " Well, I have a cat back home." " Does it like dogs?" " Not really." "Right." "That's a problem, because we've got two dogs here." "Listen, take them with you, see if you like them, and if you don't...you know, just let them out near the railway line." "They'll get back to Battersea." "They'll be warm in this gear." "You'll give them a sporting chance?" "No?" " No, I can't..." "I can't do that." " All right." "OK, we'll do it." "Get rid of the dogs." "Ladies and gentlemen, two dogs." " I'm so sorry, Alec." " Alan..." " Do you do "Alec's Big Pocket" every week?" " "Alan's Big Pocket"." "It's a catchphrase, I guess." "People stop you in the street and say, "Alec..."" "Are you deaf?" " I'm sorry?" " People do stop me in the street." "They ask for my autograph." "And to save time - you'll like this" " I have this." "It's a stamp with my autograph on." "Yeah." "Basically, they give me a card, something like this, and I simply take the card and just stamp my signature on like that." "See?" "Then I give them that." "You read that." " Alec Partridge." " Read what it says on the card." " Alec Partridge." " No, it says "Alan"." "Alan Partridge." " Why?" " Because that's my name." " Oh, my God!" "I'm sorry!" "That's so embarrassing!" " It's OK." "It's OK." " It's all right." " You must think I'm so rude, Alec." "Alan!" "Alan, Alan, Alan, Alan, Alan, Alan," "Alan, Alan, Alan, Alan, Alan, Alan, Alan, Alan!" "My name is Alan Partridge." "That's who I am." "There." "Alan Partridge." " There are no excuses." " It's the wrong way up." " There." " Fine." "Now, before Gina goes, I have one more question." " Gina, do you like Abba?" " I love Abba." "Would you like to do a medley of Abba songs?" "I couldn't possibly." "Why not, for goodness' sake?" "Because, Alan..." "# I'm nothing special" "# In fact I'm a bit of a bore... #" "No, you're not." "You're not boring." "But if I tell a joke, you've probably heard it before..." " I don't believe that." " No, you probably have." "# But I have a talent, a wonderful thing" "# 'Cause everyone listens when I start to sing" "# I'm so grateful and proud" "# All I want is to sing it out loud" "# Take a chance, chance, take a chance, take a, take a chance" "# Take a chance, chance, take a chance, take a, take a chance" "# Take a chance, chance, take a chance, take a, take a chance" "# Take a chance, chance..." "# If you change your mind" "# I'm the first in line" "# Honey, I'm still free" "# Take a chance on me" "# If you need me, let me know" "# And I'll be around" "# If you got no place to go" "# And you're feeling down" " # Take a chance on me" " That's all I ask, honey" "# Take a chance on me" "# Chiquitita, you and I know # Can you see the stars, Fernando?" "# The winner takes it all # Mamma mia, here I go again" "# I have a dream # Gimme, gimme, gimme a man after midnight" "# Voulez-vous" "# A-ha!" "# Take it now or leave it" "# A-ha!" "# Now is all we get" "# A-ha!" "# Nothing promised, no regrets" "# Bub-bub-a-dub # Voulez-vous" "# A-ha!" "# Ain't no big decision" "# A-ha!" "# You know what to do" "# A-ha!" "# I can still say voulez-vous" "# Bub-bub-a-dub # Voulez-vous" "# You can dance" "# You can jive" "# Having the time of your life" "# Ooh, see that girl" "# Watch that scene # Digging the dancing queen" "# Thank you for the music" "# The songs you're singing" "# Thanks for all the joy you're bringing" "# Who can live without it?" "# I ask in all honesty" "# What would life be?" "# Without a song or a dance, what are we?" "(HIGH-PITCHED ) # So I say... (DEEP) # Thank you for the music" "# For giving it to me # Waterloo" "# Knowing me, knowing you" "# A-ha!" "#" "(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)" "I have an announcement to make." "Last week, I had naked sex with the Home Secretary and I want to sell my story." "Of course I haven't." "But if I had, who would I go to?" "Well, I'd go to my next guest because he is a high-profile agent and publicist who represents both celebrities and, for want of a better word, harlots." "Please welcome the man Virginia Bottomley called "that little turd", Lawrence Knowles." "(APPLAUSE AND MUSIC)" "(FERRARI) # Money, money, money" "# Must be funny" "# In a rich man's world" "# Money, money, money" "# Always sunny" "# It's a rich man's world #" "Lawrence, you are the man they love to hate." "(CHUCKLES) I think of myself as the man they hate to love." "But you're not." "But you're not." "You are the man they love to hate." "Well, that's very amusing, Alan, and some of your audience found it amusing too, but there is a positive side to what I do." "I often help celebrities." " If I might give you an example." " Please do." "Let's take the Dimbleby brothers." "Supposing Jonathan and David came to me and said," ""Lawrence, we need help." ""People think of us as a little bit too serious, too dull..."" "Yeah, I know what you mean." "Well, I would rectify that image problem by ensuring that the Dimbleby brothers were seen letting their hair down at a fashionable nightspot such as Stringfellows." " Right." " Or sharing an ice cream at Alton Towers." " Or a can of Sprunt." " Yes." "Conversely, take a celebrity who is perhaps perceived as being unintelligent, someone like Paul "Gazza" Gascoigne." " Or Dave Lee Travis." " Yes." " That's a better example." " Yes, it is, isn't it?" "So if Dave Lee Travis was worried about looking unintelligent," "I would ensure that he was seen at the opera, perhaps with a book in his hand." "Yes, I see." "It's quite clever." "Another scenario might be a celebrity who comes to me and says," ""Lawrence I am a practising homosexual." ""I would like to keep this delicate matter private."" "Very wise." "I would then ensure that this homosexual VIP was seen in a heterosexual context." " Such as?" " A pub." "A fast car." "A football match." "Right..." "You don't mean George Best?" "!" "No, let me assure you, George is as straight as the passes he made to Bobby Charlton, who, by the way, is also not a homosexual." "But what if someone comes up to you and says, "Lawrence, I..."" "How can I put it? "I play for both sides." ""I play for Manchester United and Manchester City." ""I'm Denis Law."" " I don't understand." " "I'm bisexual."" " You are?" " No, Denis Law." "No, not Denis Law!" "No." "God!" "No." "Sorry, Denis." "If you're watching, let's go for a drink some time." "As friends." "Actually, no." "Let's not." "Let's call it off." "I'll just go home to my wife." "I must say, I'm looking forward to seeing Hot Pants later." "Stay tuned, fellas!" "(HISSES)" "Now, Lawrence, you have been involved in a massive royal scandal, in which you've obtained photographs of the royal family taken from hidden cameras and you've published these in a book." "This book is in no way scandalous, nor salacious." "The book, "Her Majesty's Pleasure"... ..is being published purely in the public interest." "Well, you say that, but there's photographs..." "There's one here, Prince Edward in the bath." "It's interesting." "He's made himself a mock beard from the foam suds." " It quite suits him." " Believe me, Alan," "I obtained some photos that were frankly unpublishable." " And are they in the book?" " Yes, they are." "OK, we've sat and listened to you present yourself with great eloquence, but, ladies and gentlemen, Lawrence has unwittingly stumbled into a new section of my show called "Eat Your Own Medicine"." "Lawrence, for the past four weeks, you have been under surveillance from our "Knowing Me, Knowing You" snoopers." "This is what we discovered." "Show the clip." "(ALAN) Look at this." "It's a disabled parking space." "Hello?" "Who's this?" "It's a big Jaguar containing able-bodied Lawrence Knowles." "Quite a nice car, that." "There you go." "You get out of the car, look around..." "Little pick of the nose..." "It's a good 'un." "Pop it in the mouth." " Is that the best you've got?" " No, that was merely an hors d'oeuvre." "Let's see the main course." "Here you are again, emerging from an anonymous-looking black door." "Another treat for Lawrence Knowles, there." "I'll give you this, you certainly keep your nose clean." "What's going on behind the door?" "I'll tell you." " Dermatology." " Oh, come on, Alan." " This is pathetic, ludicrous." " Is it?" "Is it as ludicrous as a man with such a grotesque hairy back that he visits a dermatologist every six weeks to have his unsightly hairs removed?" "Alan, this is a non-story." "The public are not interested in my back." "Aren't they?" "Let's ask them." "Would you like to know more about Lawrence's hairy back?" "(AUDIENCE) Yes!" "There's your answer, mate." "Bring on my Big Pocket now!" "Bring it on." "(APPLAUSE AND MUSIC)" "Will you come out of my pocket, Lawrence Knowles's dermatologist," "Clive Sealey?" "(APPLAUSE)" "Clive..." "Clive, just how hairy is Lawrence's back?" "Very hairy, Alan." "This is the amount of hair on an averagely haired back." "And this..." "This is the amount collected at the last session with Lawrence." "It's enough to cover 12 small children." "This is "Knowing Me, Knowing You with Alan Partridge", smooth as an eel...except in the normal areas." "Unlike Dave Lee Travis." "Hairy Cornflake." "Now, the Knowles back is surely his Achilles heel." "How deep are the scars?" "Well, he's told me the names that he was called at school." " Oh, good." "What are they?" " Er..." "Wolfman..." "Monkey Boy..." " Godzilla..." "King Kong..." " Human Carpet?" "Yes, yes." "Gus the Gorilla...." "Actually, in the office, we had a bit of fun earlier." "We've come up with some nicknames." "I'll go through them quickly." "Kiwi Fruit..." "Moth Banquet..." "Quite an interesting one." "Furball XL5..." "Billy Furry." "That's Billy Fury pronounced differently." "That's mine..." "And, of course, Hairy Krishna." "Marvellous." "Lawrence, anything to say?" " You'll be hearing from my solicitor." " Ooh, bit prickly!" "Or should I say hairy?" " The same solicitor as Dave Lee Travis." " Big deal." " And Roger Moore." " Oh, God." "Lawrence Knowles and Clive Sealey!" "(APPLAUSE)" "Nice can of Sprunt, that." "Now..." "Schnell!" "Schnell!" "Achtung!" "Sieg heil!" "Jawohl!" "Those are just some of the comments shouted at my next guest at the 1936 Berlin Olympics." "Why?" "Because she won a gold medal for Britain in the 4 x 100 metres women's hurdles relay." "She doesn't run any more - she's 78 - but she can still get up and down stairs unassisted, and refuses to use the Ronstad chairlift installed by her son-in-law in 1991." "Please welcome the Linford Christie of great-grandmothers, Elsie Morgan!" "(FERRARI) # The winner takes it all" "# The winner takes it all" "Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Elsie Morgan." " (BOTH) A-ha." " No, wait till I've said it." " A-ha." " A-ha." "That's right." "Elsie, let me start by saying how wonderful it is to at last have someone old on the show." "The 1936 Berlin Olympics." "What did it feel like to run past the finishing line knowing you'd beaten the German and won the gold for Britain?" "Thrilling, because we'd stitched up the Krauts." "Fair enough." "Is it true, were things better in the olden days?" "Well, immediately after the war it was absolutely marvellous, because we really had completely stitched up the Krauts." "But then, after that, everything got much worse." "And there was a lot of immigration..." "and inevitably crime went up." "Right." "Um..." "But there must have been some positive things?" " I'll tell you a little story." " Please do." "I brought my car in last week and parked it on one of those meters." "I went into Debenhams, very quickly." "I came out quickly again, and there was an awful man writing me a parking ticket." "I said to him, "Is it reasonable to give me a parking ticket for two minutes?"" "Well, after a while, he admitted that it was a bit silly and let me off." " Good for him." " Yes, but after I got home," "I thought, "That man let me break the law."" " He shouldn't have done that." " No." "So I rang his employers and told them." "And later on they rang me back, and I was delighted to hear they'd dismissed him." "Good riddance." " Particularly as he was black." " Right, er..." "Right." " They bend the rules, don't they?" " Tell us about sport..." " Don't you find that, Alan?" " Right." "Shut up." "You can't say those things on television any more." " But why not?" "They..." " Shut it!" "Sorry." "Sorry." "Now, Elsie, I've got a surprise for you, because it's time once again to dip into Alan's Big Pocket." " (MUSIC AND APPLAUSE)" " Stay there." "Stay there." "And it's a pocketful of emotion, because tonight we reunite Britain's hurdling golden girls of 1936." "They haven't seen each other for over 50 years." "Sadly, Lindsey Farrow is no longer with us, but the other two are." "Will you please come out of my Big Pocket, Anne Wiley and Georgina Clarke?" "(APPLAUSE)" "Please sit down." "Marvellous." "Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Anne Wiley." "(WOMEN CHATTER)" "Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Georgina Clarke." "Hello?" "Hello?" "Hello." "Thank you." "Now, you're obviously all feeling very emotional." "If you feel the need to weep, please do so." "You are women." "And..." "No tears?" "No?" "I've got to say, I was banking on it." "Sorry..." "You haven't seen each other for 50 years." "No, no." "We saw one other six months ago." " Where?" " Sky Television." "Yes, a programme that reunited people, called "Nostalgia"." " With Dave Lee Travis." " I don't believe it." "He's done it again." " Did you cry on his show?" " Oh, yes, buckets." " Even David cried." " The Hairy Cornflake shed a tear." "Doesn't matter." "Doesn't matter." "Let's talk about the race. 1936." "In those days, how did you cope with the pressure?" " I used to sing in the dressing room." " Yes. "We'll Gather Lilacs"." " Probably a forgotten memory now." " Oh, no!" "# We'll gather lilacs in the spring again" "# And walk together down an English lane" "# When you come home once more" "# And in the evening in the twilight glow" "# I'll hold you close and never let you go" " (ALL) # We'll gather lilacs..." " Um..." "Right." "OK..." " # And walk together... #" " Marvellous!" "Give them a round of applause." "Marvellous!" "Lovely." "Lovely." "That was lovely." "Well, at this stage of the show, some of my viewers may be thinking," ""Alan, you're a liar." "You promised that this show would be hot," ""and now you're chatting to three senior citizens."" "But if I said I will now jump into a TARDIS, go back in time and recreate the Berlin Olympics with these three old women, you'd say, "Alan, that is hot." "We were wrong earlier."" "Well, that's exactly what I'm going to do." "Ladies, will you now join me in my 1:6 scale Berlin Olympic Stadium?" "(FERRARI PLAY "DEUTSCHLANDLIED")" "You join us live at the Berlin Olympics on "Grandstand" in 1936 on this pleasant summer's morning in Nazi Germany." "Everyone's here." "Hitler's in his box." "Jesse Owens just waved at him." "He doesn't like that." "And we wait for the race to start." "I'm going to fire a gun." "It's quite loud." "Don't worry, OK?" "On your marks, get set..." "She's off like a bullet!" "Anne Wiley, fast as a bullet from a Luger, courses ahead!" "Coming up to the first hurdle." "She's cleared it!" "Landing like a tomcat, and off again round the bend." "And hands the baton over to Lindsey Farrow." "Sadly no longer with us." "She's represented by a cardboard cut-out." "It's a..." "It's a clean pass." "Let's see what you're made of, Georgie girl!" "Put some egg on Hitler's face." "Kick that over." "Oh, dear!" "The hurdle has fallen." "It's all down to Elsie Morgan." "Can she do it?" "And she has!" "She's won the gold!" "(APPLAUSE)" "Ladies and gentlemen, the golden hurdlers of '36." "(APPLAUSE AND MUSIC)" "Hi!" "I'm in Alan's Big Pocket." "Why?" "Because I'm getting undressed." "The reason is because Hot Pants are about to come on and raise the roof off TV Centre with their lovely legs." "Then they'll join me in the jacuzzi." " Glenn, have you seen them?" " No, but I'm looking forward to it." " (HISSES)" " Glenn, that is my noise." "Get your own sound." "Move the pocket!" "Yes, I am in a jacuzzi, sipping Sprunt." "It's almost as if I'm in an advert, but of course I'm not." "I'm not in an advert." "It simply remains for me to thank my guests and welcome on the four gorgeous figures that fill (HISSES) Hot Pants!" "(APPLAUSE AND MUSIC)" "They're men!" "They're men!" "And on that bombshell..." "On that bombshell, good night." "A-ha!" "Sprunt!" "Sprunt!" "(ALAN) Paris." "City of French people." "Home of Quasimodo," "Louis XIV, Hercule Poirot and Sacha Distel." "City of lovers, of artists, of the croissant, the cappuccino." "City of moonlight, of dreams, of men in long coats meeting in brasseries at dawn, and the setting for the fourth show in the first series of "Knowing Me, Knowing You With Alan Partridge"I"