"Sophia." "Your card game run late?" "They changed the route on the number 10 bus." "Didn't put up a sign." "Where did you end up?" "Who knows?" "Only one person spoke English, and he blamed me for the Bay of Pigs." " How did you get home?" " On another bus." "But they'd changed the name of the number 10 to number 7." "I'm gonna write David Horowitz." "Sophia, I think you got on the wrong bus." "Maybe, but I'm gonna write Horowitz, anyway." "I want someone to arrest David Harper's dentist." "Rose, I have a date." "Do you plan to use your silver bracelet?" "I plan to spend the evening reorganizing my recipe file." "Are you dressing for that, or can I borrow the bracelet?" " All yours." " Thank you." "I'm borrowing your pearl earrings." "What if I'm using them?" "Honey, I would be so happy for you." "But you don't have a date." "The only woman who went without male companionship longer than you was Heather Swain, who went to the sanatorium for what Reverend Samuels said was the croup, but which all Mayflower County knew was a social disease." "Congratulations, Rose." "A new record." "And you've done it without needing penicillin." "Now, Rose knows I don't mean anything." "Don't you?" "We all have our dry spells." "You can borrow the earrings, Blanche." "I'm not going anywhere." "And keep them till I do need them." "Come on, Rose." "Don't let this bother you." "You'll date again." "Of course." "Honey, have you given any thought to advertising?" "Blanche." "I could never dress the way you do." "Besides, I have to wear undies." "Not all my wool skirts are lined." "That's not what I meant." "Blanche, do you mean like a personals column?" " Yeah." " That's a great idea." " I don't know." " What do you have to lose?" "If you don't find anyone interesting, you don't have to reply." "And the Community Centre runs their service in the newsletter for free." "And they'll even run your picture, and let you use a 100-word biography." " How do you know that?" " Rumour." "I could try it, but I could never go out with a man I met that way." "Honey, desperate times call for desperate measures." "Blanche, I'm not the only woman in Miami without a date." "Rose, I need to borrow a silk scarf tonight." "You have a date?" "No, I'm doing the Dance of the Seven Veils, and I'm one short." "Sometimes I worry about her." "Girls, was this the only mail today?" "Yes, People magazine is late again." "I have to give that mailman another talking-to." "This time, try something a little more forceful than asking him in for a Café Vienna and a warm bath." "Dorothy, the man had just recovered from a hernia operation, and he was having trouble carrying his sack." "I can't believe the response to my personal ad." "It's terrible." " No-one interested?" " No." "Two weeks, not one letter." "Hi, Sophia." "Do any of you see a fedora in the window?" " I don't." " Good." "I lost him." " Lost who?" " A guy who keeps following me." "He's English." "I met him at the Centre." "He's got the hots for me." "As much as an English guy can get the hots." "Sophia gets chased, and I don't even get a letter." " You can have Willy." " What's wrong with him?" "There's nothing wrong with him." "OK, so he's 90." "He has a tom-turkey profile, and his butt hits his heels." "He thinks he can pull it off by wearing a jaunty cap." "He sounds kinda cute, Ma." "Why are you avoiding him?" "There's no magic, Dorothy." "No sparks." "You know?" "He's 90; you're 80." "Sparks are dangerous." "I know." "I wouldn't date a man unless I felt sparks." "Well, fortunately, you carry flints in your bra." "I can't believe I'm listening to a discussion about Sophia's love life." "Hook up with Willy." "He needs to forget me." " No, thank you." " You don't know what you're missing." "There aren't many guys who remember where they were when the Archduke Ferdinand was shot." "Rose, don't let this personals thing depress you." "I can't help it." "I haven't been this depressed since I was rejected by Uncle Sam." "Honey, if he was your uncle, it wasn't meant to be." "It's not like he was your cousin." "That relationship might have a future." "Tell me, Blanche." "Did any of your relatives appear in Deliverance?" "It was during the Korean conflict." "I was rejected as a WAC." "I failed the ink-blot test." "Rose, how can you fail an ink-blot test?" "I didn't know you couldn't cut them out." "I never felt so rejected in my life." "Until now." "Boy, this personals idea was really a mistake." " Is there something we can do?" " We've done enough." "I know." "I'll set her up with one of my discards, Henry Barnes." "He's reasonably good-Iooking;" "he drives a new Buick Riviera;" "and I heard he just opened a third dry-cleaning store." " Blanche, where are you going?" " To call him." "I'm free tonight." " And Rose?" " She can call Bud Needham." "Who's he?" "He just took Henry's place in my discard pile." "So, tell Jackie you'd prefer Marla to do your hair." "I can't." "Jackie and I go way back, before bouffant." " You're practically family." " I know." "So, I'll take Marla, and you take Jackie." "But Jackie makes you look like a chicken." "But with your nose, it could work." "You'll never believe what happened." "I got a response from my personal ad." " You're kidding." " And it's the sweetest letter." "He apologises for waiting so long to respond." "He says he's shy about meeting someone through personals." "We have so much in common." "We both love all dairy foods, and we both requested to stand with Bert Parks in Hands Across America." " He sounds very nice." " Will you go out with him?" "I couldn't go out with him." "That was an experiment." "But the letter's so sweet I'm going to write and tell him how I appreciate it." "Isn't it nice to see Rose feeling so good about herself?" "This is the first time I've seen her smile since all this started." "Dorothy, I have a confession to make." "I wrote that letter to Rose." "What?" "I wrote that letter myself." "I made up a name and answered Rose's ad." "Blanche, how could you?" "She thinks someone took an interest in her." "Someone did." "Me." "But what if she expects another letter or decides to go out with him?" "We just write one last farewell letter, before he moves to Saskatchewan, and that's the end of Isaac Newton." "Isaac Newton?" "The first name that came to mind." "Isaac Newton was the first name that came to mind?" "Actually, Ted Koppel was the first name that came to mind." "But he looks like Howdy Doody's illegitimate son." "Gin." " He could end it with a poem." " He did last time." "No, he wrote a poem three letters ago." "He doesn't write poems, Blanche." "We write poems." "Lord Byron writes poems." "We just copy them onto loose-leaf paper." "In cleverly disguised handwriting, I might add." "Why did I agree to do this?" "We have to tell Rose the truth." "No, it would crush her." "Then we ship Isaac Newton to Saskatchewan." "You can't send a citrus farmer to Saskatchewan." "How's he going to live?" "Excuse me." "Next time we invent a person, let's make sure that he has a trade that travels." "Besides, I'm kind of proud of Isaac." "I'd hate to see him go, myself." "We have created a poetry-writing citrus farmer, who writes letters with a lavender felt pen." "And Rose thinks he's fascinating." "Now, what do you think that says?" " About Rose?" " About the whole bunch of us." "Dorothy, I got a big problem." "The Metamucil's in the top cabinet." "I mean the Cheswick dude." "I explained to him that at 90 there would never be anything between us." " What did he say?" " "Not never, but with a little luck every six weeks."" "I'm glad everybody's still up." "I just had a terrific idea." "What?" "I've been reading and re-reading Isaac's letters, and I've decided to tell him I want to meet." "But you said you wouldn't." "Only 'cause I never believed I'd find such a special man." "What makes you think he's special?" "I mean, you hardly know him." "I suppose, but it feels like I've known him for ages, and that he's known me." "I've found the most wonderful man, and I owe it all to the two of you." "How do you spell Saskatchewan?" " Ma, have you seen my watch?" " Here." "I borrowed it." "I wanted it tonight." "Can't you ask?" "And disturb you while you're taming your cowlick?" "It's silly to take three cars to this reception." "Four couples can fit into two." "Fine with me, and Howard won't mind." "Ma, bring your date with us." "What date?" "Willy scared off all the eligible men at the Centre." "Blanche, can I borrow my earrings?" "Sure, and bring your cousin with us." " I'm not taking him." " Why not?" "You have no date." "I don't, either." "We can sit by the sweet table and guess people's weight." "I have a date, but not Cousin Arnold." "Good." "I never liked your cousin Arnold." "You have a date?" "Anyone we know?" "Isaac." " Excuse me?" " Isaac, from the personals." " You're not serious?" " Sure I am." "Before I could write and suggest we meet," "I got a letter from him, saying he was moving to Saskatchewan." "To be the Smudge Pot Supervisor of the first domed orange grove in Canada." "Anyway, he's leaving Tuesday, so there's no time to waste." "We shouldn't have done this." "I looked through all the phone books, and there was only one listing for Isaac Q Newton." "I called him and invited him to the reception." "He should be here any minute." "Are you saying you got your date from the phone book?" "It's not like the Yellow Pages." "It's not like I don't know him." "Rose, exactly what did he say when you called him?" "I was pretty nervous, so I didn't give him much chance to say anything." " He accepted your invitation?" " I told him he had to." "I'd better finish getting ready." "Blanche, could I borrow my beaded purse?" "Yeah, sure, honey." "Dorothy, what are we going to do?" "We can't let Rose meet someone who said yes to a woman who'd picked his name from a book." "You say that like nobody ever does it." "Besides, it's just for this one date." " After that he leaves for Saskatchewan." " He doesn't." "We made that up." "Alright." "Well... if he's wonderful, we'd have ruined her evening for nothing." "Let's meet him." "He might be Rose's dream come true." "So much for that theory." "Good evening." "Wilfred Whitney Cheswick here." "Might this be the home of the widow Petrillo?" " There you are, Sophia." " Willy, what are you doing?" "I've come to escort you to the reception, and I won't take no for an answer." "Yeah?" "Take this for an answer." "Ma." "Alright, Cheswick." "You might as well make use of that monkey suit." "But if anybody cute asks me to dance, make yourself scarce." "Once I have you in my arms on that dance floor, Sophia, you won't so much as glance at another man." "Dream on, Piccadilly." "Come on, Blanche." "Let's go confess to Rose and beg her forgiveness." " Hi." "Rose?" " No, I'm Dorothy." " Hi." "Rose?" " Blanche." "You're Isaac Newton?" "Yes." "I bet you take a lot of kidding about that." "About what?" "Rose should be ready any moment." "Just make yourself comfortable." "No, I couldn't." "I'm never comfortable." "You can't tell because my arms are lowered, but I've nearly sweated through this suit." "I guess Rose forgot to mention the reception tonight's black-tie." "I have it in my pocket." "I'll bet you were surprised when Rose called you up suddenly and invited you out." "Yes, I was." "I don't date very much." "I mean, I try." "I took a lot of ribbing at the boarding house this evening." "Hi." "I'm ready." "Rose, this is Isaac." "You're really beautiful." "Thank you, Isaac." "Rose, we have to talk to you." " That's a very nice dress." " Thank you." "I've worn it once before." "But the pantyhose are new." "Rose, if Blanche and I could see you outside for a moment." "If I may be so bold, the pantyhose are nice, too." "At least the hose part." "I'm so happy to finally meet you, Isaac." "You two just run along, and we'll catch up." " Blanche." " Something is happening here." "Yes, it's the beginning of a disaster." "No, everything could turn out fine." "Can I get you something before we go?" "Coffee?" "Tea?" "A dairy product?" "Cheese would be nice." "Tends to calm my nerves." "Thank you, sweet Jesus." "It's a miracle." "Howard, could you get me another champagne?" " Roger, be a dear." " I haven't seen them anywhere." "Oh, my God." "What if he's a depraved ex-convict who's kidnapped Rose, and taken her on a rampage of violence and destruction unparalleled in the annals of modern crime?" "Then we probably should have told her about the letters." " I think you're right." " Let's see if we can find them." "Being Vice-Principal of a junior high school isn't as glamorous as it was." "I still get to keep all the Chocolate Clusters from the new band uniform drive, and I am the adviser to the French Club." "But for 15 years I've been asking myself, "Is that enough?"" "And a week ago I answered with a big fat "no"." "Good for you." "It takes a special man to talk to himself like that." "Well, merci." "That's French for "thank you"." "That's when I decided it's about time I fulfilled my lifelong dream to join those men who soar above the earth." "You want to be an astronaut?" "No, I couldn't go to the bathroom in my suit." "I want to be a traffic reporter." "I want the name Isaac Newton to be remembered." "You're remarkable, Isaac." "All this and citrus farming, too." "Hello there." "Girls, isn't it a wonderful party?" " Glorious." " You two having a good time?" "My only regret is not calling Isaac sooner." "That would have been hard." "Mom only just gave me my own phone." "Don't be too tough on her." "Look how great you turned out." " Merci." " Could we have some champagne?" "Is that the stuff in the bottle or the bowl?" "Never mind." "I'll figure it out." "Rose, we have to talk." "I want to talk to you." "Isaac is so shy." "He won't discuss anything about his letters." " Rose, we really..." " Listen." "I guess I shouldn't push it." "If he wants to hide his romantic side because it embarrasses him, fine." "But why won't he explain how his smudge pot works?" " Look, Rose." " Here we are, ladies." " Two champagnes." " Thank you." "There's a dance floor in the garden area." "I know you love to dance." "I do?" "Then, let's have at it." " See what I mean?" " Listen, Rose." "We'll be back in just a little while." "You can't get rid of me, Sophia." "I won't give up until I make you mine." "Here." "Hold this." "I know what you're thinking." "That I'm only after your money." "But I love you from the depths of my soul." "The fact that you're a wealthy widow only makes me want to protect you, not to take advantage of you." "Whoa, Willy." "You got your brains in your ascot?" "Why do you think I'm wealthy?" " RJ Jolonoux." " Yes, so he'd take me to bingo." " You aren't a wealthy widow?" " I barely have a bank account." "My regards to your lovely family." "Don't get upset." "I told you I couldn't dance." " Your letter said you loved to." " Howard." " What is this letter?" " I don't mean one letter." " Rose." " I mean all the letters." " You mean the alphabet?" " Didn't you mean any of it?" "This was all your idea of a joke." "No, no, I swear." "I have no sense of humour." "Rose, listen to us." "Rose, we're the ones who wrote those letters." " What?" " We wanted to cheer you up." "And we couldn't find the right moment to tell you about it." "We're so sorry." "I'm glad you straightened that out." "I was beginning to remember writing those letters." "I know I saw her come in." "Rose?" "Honey, are you in there?" "Rose, please come out and talk to us." "Go away." "I'm not talking to you again." "Look, Rose, you have every right to be angry." "What we did was inexcusable." "But let us try to explain why we did it." " No." "Leave me alone." " We'll just be a second." "Rose, we are not leaving until we talk, even if it takes all night." "How could you do this?" "Aren't you my friends?" "We are, Rose, and what we did we did out of friendship." "Friendship?" "You made me look like a fool." "I wondered where they moved the party to." "Isaac, this is where ladies go to the bathroom." "How do you lift this baby up?" "Isaac, later." "I guess you have to stand back when you flush this thing." "Rose." "Rose, honey, please come out." "We've already told you how sorry we are." "I mean, we never expected this to go so far." "But that wasn't the worst part." "The worst part was making me believe that somebody felt those special things about me." "Somebody wanted to hear why sometimes I hate my job, or like to eat my lunch in the park." "It was so nice." "It was so important to me that someone cared about me as much as the person who wrote those letters." "It meant so much to have somebody like that in my life." "You do, Rose, honey." "You have us." "We're the ones who wrote those letters, Rose, and we meant every word." "It was still a pretty crazy thing to do, but at least you did it because you cared about me." "OK, let's get back to our dates." "I want Howard to get me tipsy and take advantage of me." "Blanche." "Howard's my date."