"WHILE PARIS WAS SLEEPING" "You always keep your eyes shut?" "I'm with you." "It helps me be with you." "I want to look at you." "Harder." "It's good." "Harder." "Harder." "Right, 11... and ten." "Number 11." "HM." " Your initials?" " TD." " Thanks, guys." " Thanks." "Bye." "I'll wait outside." "Bye." "Ten." "With a gin and tonic?" "9.90, thanks." " Thanks." " Bye." "Come on." "There's a bike station that way." "It's where I park, so I can stretch my legs." "I'll check for bikes." "Before it loads, we'll be there." "I think..." "your dick is beautiful." "It is, it's beautiful." "I don't know how to say it." "I liked it straight off." "And I swear, your cock is perfect to the touch." "Come off it." "No, I really mean it." "A guy's dick is so important." "I think you can fall in love with a guy's dick." "I mean it." "And..." "I can't wait to see yours again." "Can't wait." "I want to touch it..." "Kiss it." "Suck it." "Ooh..." "Off the top of my head, I'd say 11 bicycles." "That's what the app says." "Sorry, I'm obsessive." "I can't help checking everything." "Only with bikes." "Don't jump to conclusions." "This one will do." "A little more love in the world." "Tonight, with you, it was different." "Huh?" "What did you say?" "When we made love, it was unusual." "Because with you..." "I made love." "We fucked and it was..." "I mean, it was like we were producing love." "We made love, see what I mean?" "I couldn't hear you." "But I agree, it was..." "I think we made a big contribution to world peace." "What we did was pure love creation." "We need to start over." "For the good of humankind!" "Don't you think?" "We have to start over?" " We're going to my place." " I got it." "Straight ahead." "I'll say when to turn." "I can't lose sight of you." "I don't want you to think..." "or imagine..." "It was strange for me, too." "I'd never done that before." "It was my first time like that." " Uh..." "At the Impact?" " Yes." "I had a boyfriend before, for a few months." "Of course we didn't bother." "But, like that, it was the first time." "It was good." "Better, even." "Don't you think?" "I prefer it that way." "With you, it was really good." "Because it was unusual." "Like you said: unusual." "Wait, what do you mean?" "No way!" "You mean you fucked me without a rubber?" "You fucked me without a rubber?" "Fuck!" "What were you thinking?" "Fuck!" "You're insane!" "You're not two years old!" "What the fuck!" "You know sex clubs." "Un-fucking-believable!" "Right." "I'll call the AIDS hotline." "They'll tell us what to do." "Unless you're positive?" "I knew it." "Hello?" "Hello." "Uh..." "Speedy response." "Perfect." "Uh..." "The thing is..." "I just fucked a guy without a rubber." "I can't remember." "Uh..." "Probably." "Is he HIV positive?" "I think so." "Yes, he is." "Uh..." "Emergency room?" "I'm near Saint Louis hospital." "He should come with me." "OK." "I get priority?" "I tell them at admittance?" "I just say ASE?" "They'll understand?" "I tell them I had an ASE." "OK." "And then what happens?" "OK, right now." "Of course." "Thanks." "Thanks a lot." "We're going to Saint Louis." " They said..." " You're not coming." " She said to go." " Is it necessary?" " It's better." " Then I'll go alone." "I don't know, your phone call..." "it was too weird." "You're too weird." "I want to be alone." " I just wanted..." " Stop it!" "I fucked up." "No need to hold my hand." "You're mad at me?" "I don't know." "Maybe." "It's not fair, but, hey..." "Whatever you feel." "We need to swap numbers." "To work out your treatment, they'll need my results." "You need to be able to contact me." " Go ahead... 06." " No, it's 07." " 07?" " It's a new number." "I changed." "OK, 07... 06..." "So is it 07 or 06?" "0706." "It's my number." "07 06 86 77 99." "The unknown caller is Hugo." "Théo." " Take rue de Lancry." " I know." "Take the rue Vellefaux entrance..." "I set it!" "I'm not following you." "I take the first right." "Rue Albert Thomas." "I'm with you." "It helps me be with you." "Harder." "Harder." "Harder." "Harder." "Harder." "WHERE ARE YOU?" "Emergency room." "CALL ME!" "WHY DON'T YOU ANSWER?" "I LEFT YOU A MESSAGE" "IT'S IMPORTANT!" "Here are your papers." "You can wait over there." " The intern will call you." " OK, goodbye." "Good bye." " Hello." " Hello." "I had an ASE." "OK." "How long ago?" "Under an hour." "Under an hour." "Is your partner here?" " No." "OK." " Do you have any health issues?" " No." " Allergies?" " No." " Any medication?" " Nothing." "So I need some identification:" "your ID card and your health card if you have it." " Still the same address?" " Yes." "OK." "Here are your papers." "You can wait over there." "The intern will see you soon." " Thanks." " Goodbye." "Goodbye." "Cellphones are forbidden here." "Even text messages." "I didn't know." "Thanks." "I'M HERE." "WHERE ARE YOU?" " I can handle this." " I know." "I'm sure..." "I guess." " Did you get my message?" " I ignored it." "You were so stressed out, I forgot." "Tell the intern I'm in treatment." "I consult regularly and my viral load is undetectable now." "That's all." " What's the difference?" " Just tell him." "The AIDS hotline said it was important." "Great." "OK, I admit it." "I thought I should come, to be with you now, so you have someone to talk to." "If you want, I can leave." "No problem." "Or I can stay." "It's up to you." "If you want to know, I'd like to stay." "I don't know." "I really don't know." "Then I'll decide for you." "Let me see." "What are you doing?" "I'm reading your mind." "Your eyes don't lie." "Look me in the eye." "No, better than that." "Look at me." "Straight in the eyes." "OK, then." "Stay." "It won't take long." "Mr Vinaver, please." "See you later." "I understand." "I've been there." "What?" "You're scared?" "Yes, I'm scared." " You stayed to tell me that?" " No." "I wanted to keep you company." "I was alone when I got my results." "And before that, too." "I don't want you to go through that." "It's not allowed." "Really?" "Where did you hear that?" "Look, I wanted to show you this." "They say, when there's active penetration, the risk of infection is 0.06 to 0.62%." "Hey, that's not allowed." "I told your friend earlier." " I told you?" " You told me." "I knew I told you." "You should have told your friend." "It's OK, I'm done." "Relax." "They don't mess around with that here!" "Good..." "Good." "You can make calls over there." "Over there, it's allowed." "After all, people need to be able to make calls." "We're in ER." "Things happen." "Deaths, sometimes." "Then you need to make a phone call, right?" "Do you come here often?" "No, it's the first time." "I need to make a call." "Sorry!" "Coming?" "I need a coffee." "You're not nice." "We could have listened to him." "Did you hear him?" ""Do we come often?" Like it's a café or a restaurant." "He's nuts." "Keep your distance." "Or he's just lonely." "My treat." "If you want." " No sugar?" " As much as possible." "Show me again... that website." "Really?" " It was a stupid idea." " Show me." "So?" "Thanks." "It's loading." "Show me." "Take a look." "I'm no maths genius." "A risk of 0.62% is almost nothing." "But people get infected anyway." "Give it back." "It was a stupid idea." "Statistics don't mean a thing." "And that's ugly!" "Take you, for example." "That's different." "Because you were passive?" "No need to be an asshole." "It wasn't the same... because it wasn't the same." "The difference is I'm in treatment." "I take my drugs." "And my viral load is undetectable." "I had just got my licence." "I'm from Lons-le-Saunier." "Not even Lons." "Can you imagine?" "I don't know the regions." "Maybe Normandy but on vacation." "And Berry." "I'd never met a fag." "And I was 18." "But I knew where they fucked." "At a highway rest station with toilets." "It's a nice place, really." "With big trees." "It's all I could think of during the test, that I could go fuck, too." "I waited three days for the pink slip." "It came at last." "That night I borrowed my mum's car and went out and got laid." "It was pretty lame." "A quick fuck." "Sort of shameful." "No talking." "No eye contact." "They don't even know what a rubber is." "Tell them they're gay and they'd beat you up." "See what I mean?" "They don't get treatment." "They don't know they're HIV positive." "It makes it riskier for the partner." "It was your first time?" "I'm not helping." "I shouldn't have told you that." "It's easy to use a rubber, right?" "I'm so stupid." "I'm so stupid." "No, it can happen to anyone." "Come on." "Let's go." "I'll make you miss your turn." "Mr Daumier?" "I was waiting." " Sorry, I was..." " Let's go." "It's an emergency." "Unbelievable!" "They give priority to faggots?" "Ignore him." "He's a regular." " Is it normal..." " Let's go." "...to let perverts go first?" "Do you want him to come?" "Yes." "Go in and sit down." "So what happened?" " I had an ASE." " I see." "Can I have the details?" " A broken condom." " OK." "You two." "You're the partner?" " Yes, the sexual partner." " Right." "I'm HIV positive." "OK." "Are you on a triple therapy?" "Yes, I'm in treatment." "Have you consulted lately?" "About three months ago." "OK." "Do you know your viral load?" "It's undetectable." "OK." "That's a good thing." "Um..." "Do you know your status?" "Yes, I get regular tests." " I did one two months ago." " Which was...?" " I'm fine." " Negative." "OK." "I don't take risks." "OK." "One more thing." "Uh... who was active during intercourse?" " I was active." " OK." "When the condom broke, did you pull out immediately?" "No, I didn't pull out." "So there was an ejaculation?" "OK." "In any case, since your partner's positive, treatment is advised." "An emergency triple therapy." "The idea is to stop the virus reproducing in your body." "Uh..." "It's pretty heavy-duty therapy." "It lasts 28 days." "Three pills a day, at the same time, every 24 hours." "Do you agree to the treatment?" "Yes." "I'll go get the pills and I'll explain everything." "Are you OK?" "This is the kit." "Here's how it works." "There's a bottle of water and a cake, because it's better to eat at the same time." "For now you have four days of pills." "On Monday, you have to go to the screening unit, here at the hospital." "No need for an appointment." "Explain what happened." "They'll see you right away." "It's best if you come, too, with your results." "OK, I'm free on Monday." " Right." " Yes." "On Monday, we'll do new blood tests." "The doctor will decide if you'll continue the treatment." "He'll see how you tolerate it." "The side effects are mostly digestive." "Nausea and diarrhoea" " and maybe some fatigue." " OK." "If you really react badly, we can change." "But the symptoms usually improve." " OK." " It's mostly the first days." "Right." "Let's start right now." "It's best to start as soon as possible." "One of each colour today." "Afterwards, you take the rest." " Do I start by eating?" " If you want." "All of it?" "I need some water." "Now, take the three pills." " One of each?" " Yes." "You're OK?" "Yes." "Good." "Here's the kit." "It's for four days." "It's not a nice thing to go through." "It's a bit stressful." "But you can get help on Monday." "The two of you are here, now." "It's good if you support him during this ordeal." "It will be OK because we're within the time frame." "If you take the treatment every 24 hours, there's a very good chance the virus won't spread and at the end, you'll still be HIV negative." "OK?" "Right..." " Thank you." " Thank you." "You're welcome." "I'll see you out." " Good bye." " Good bye." " Hello." " Hello." "Hello." " Did you notice?" " Hm?" " Women run this place." " Yeah." "Guys leave the worst jobs to women." "What a shitty world!" "Yeah." "Women and fags." "The night belongs to women and fags." "And night watchmen." "That's a position of power." "Limited power but even so..." "He's black." "Of course." "Like I said, limited power." "Are you a hairdresser?" "What makes you say that?" "Is it my nail polish?" "No, it's Monday." "Hairdressers always close on Monday." "Lots of stores close on Monday." "You can't buy food, except in supermarkets." "So are you a grocer?" "A baker?" "A cheese seller?" "No." "I'm a notary's clerk." "My boss gives me Monday off." "Sometimes, in exchange," "I stay late or I finish work at the weekend." "Either way, it works for me." "I love not starting the week with everyone else." "More than having Friday off." "Seriously?" "You're a notary's clerk?" "I know, it sounds impressive." "But it's a job like any other." "Better than many others." "I want to be a notary." "But you have to study for a long time and it's expensive." "I had to get out of my village." "I needed to work." "I became a clerk to become a notary." "It takes longer, but I'm independent and I got out of the Jura." "I'm happy with my life." "It's weird." "We turned left out of the hospital, without thinking." "Where are you going?" "I don't know." "I'm following you." "I'm following you, too." "We'll go round in circles." "It's late." "You're heading home?" "You're not exhausted?" "If you want me to go, just say so." "That's not what I meant." "But if you want to go get some sleep..." "I like being with you." "Even if... the circumstances could be better." "I don't feel like sleeping." "Do you?" "I'm hungry." "Do you think the bakeries are open?" "Let's try over there." "We'll find something." "It does me good being with you." "You're good for me." "Why are you going this way?" "It's random." "There's nothing on the canal." "Do you think?" "Probably." "But it's beautiful." "Is this a romantic walk or a food hunt?" "We can do both." "I'm not so sure about the walk." "Feels good, doesn't it?" "It's a new concept:" "the romantic sprint." "Very funny." "We'd have more luck on the other side." "Let's not cross the canal." "OK, why?" "It's a game." "Let's go that way." "It's worse over there." "There's nothing." "Let's try Stalingrad." "No!" "Did you have side effects?" "I want to know what's coming." "It's dead here." "Civilisation starts at Stalingrad." "You didn't answer." "The drugs are not the problem." "You get used to taking them." "It's not so unmanageable now." "You can skip a pill, but not too often." "When you have a normal life with a job, it's part of the routine, like a habit." "The side effects go away, or you change treatment." "The problem is the virus." "I mean... even if it's undetectable." "Even if I'm not scared any more that it will kill me." "It's there." "I think about it." "Often." "They say, "Live with it."" "But I can't." "I live against it." "I try to live against it." "I'm probably wrong." "I should live with it." "Make my peace with it." "But I can't." "Is this the right direction?" "I'm a stomach on legs." "If there was food, my instinct would tell me." "Where else is there?" "It's civilised that way." " My instinct?" "No such thing." "I can't explain it." "I want to kiss you and punch you." "I want to hit you now." "Hard, really hard." "That's nice." "Would you feel better?" "I don't know." "I want to." "I'm itching to do it." "Itching all over." "Want to try a 24-hour kebab joint?" "A kebab?" "If I have to." "Who eats kebabs at 6:00 besides fags just out of ER?" "Night workers or guys who start work on a full stomach." "You could have said you had a plan." "It's more fun this way." " Hello." " Good morning." "You're right." "What time is it?" "5:30 but I'm running early." "You're out of kebabs?" "Sorry, all sold out." "I have other things." " I'll have chicken." " One chicken?" " No, two." " Two." "Running made me hungry." "But you're right." "A kebab is good after partying." "I only work weekends." "I serve the party-goers." " No onions." " Me neither." "It's dead now but until three or four o'clock, I'm really busy." "Where I'm from, you have tea after." " Where are you from?" " I'm Syrian." "With my university buddies, it was a ritual to eat a kebab after a night on the town." "It's not exactly the same as here." "The meat in Syria..." "Are you here because of the war?" "No." "I studied architecture in Damascus." "The war is horrible." "But there was too much injustice." "After a while, people can't stand it any more." "Forty-five years..." "It's a long time." "I didn't live there." "I survived." "I guess you can't understand, because you're free here." "We couldn't talk." "Not to anybody." "Not even my university buddies." "A life without talking is unbearable." "About politics, or even just what we feel." "Our desires..." "Here you are." "Twelve euros." "I'll get it." " Thanks." " Thanks." " Goodbye." " Have a nice day." "I bet you're still a student." "No, not exactly." "Uh..." "How about we go eat somewhere calm?" "I know." "Over by the canal." "Tell me, what do you do?" "You ask all the questions." "What do you want to know?" "Well, first up, what do you do?" "An internship." "I have a master's in industrial design." "I'm an intern in a big company." "It's interesting." "You don't sound convinced." "I am, but right now I want to do other things." "I want to be an aid worker." "Yeah..." "I can't see the connection with design." "There isn't one." "I feel like I need the experience." "A few months." "A year, max." "OK, so I haven't done any research." "It's a pipe dream." "Let's go up there." "I don't know humanitarian causes, but I guess there's plenty to do." "At least in logistics." " You like to travel?" " Yeah." "But there's more to it." "You think it's ridiculous?" "Sentimental?" "No, I don't know." "Why?" "Anyway, signing up for..." "any cause is sentimental." "Sentimentality is beautiful." "Yeah." "I feel ridiculous when I tell you that." "If only I could say which cause, or which country." "Like some student." ""I'll do this, I'll do that!"" "They never get off their asses." "They pissed me off!" "If I'm HIV positive, that's the end of the wild ideas." "No visits to countries without aspirin." "I'd need emergency care myself." "Would you go?" "No, of course not." "What else did you want to know?" "OK, why does your phone number start with 07?" " It's unusual." " Look at you!" "You tried for an easy question, that can't hurt anyone." " Bad move." " You think it's funny?" "Yeah." "You tried to be nice and made it worse." "You tried so hard, I can't be mad at you." "Should I stop asking questions?" "For now, yes." "Let's go to the end." "I love this place." " It's nice." " Yeah." "Come on." "Let's eat." "Can you hold this?" "Thanks." "It's early but it doesn't matter." "I always have them on me." "That way, I can't be caught out." "Even when you fuck at the Impact?" "You never know when you'll find love." "Sometimes I get home late." "I can see that." "It's happened before?" "It's not the first time." "Yes." "No, it's never happened before." "Usually..." "Listen, I don't know..." "Something happened between us, something big." "That's all." "Something big?" "What do you mean?" "I don't know." "Something that made me... lower my guard." "What do you usually tell them?" "How does it go?" "Wait, where are you going with this?" "What do you want me to say?" "Hey, wait a minute!" "What do you want?" "For me to tattoo HIV+ on my ass?" "Because idiots like you don't take precautions!" "It takes two to screw up." "I didn't have to beg you!" "I never asked you to do that." "Of course not. "Harder, harder."" "You didn't ask me, but you said, "Harder, harder"?" "It's always our fault." "You're a dumb asshole." "What am I doing here?" "I promised to come on Monday." "I'll be there with my results." "If you don't want me to stay, fine!" "You have my number if you need it." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "Don't." "No apologies between us." " We both fucked up." " Both of us." " At the same time." " Hand in hand." "I think I felt safe with you." "I didn't really think." "I felt good, calm, happy." "It seems irrational now." "It made sense then." "Yes, it made sense." "Made sense." "Between us, everything made sense." "We got careless." "We wanted each other." "Wanted it too much." "We didn't realise." "Desire is stupid." "But it's good to want you like I do." " Were you drunk?" " Not really." "Me neither." "But it was like being drunk." "See?" "Desire is stupid." "I have a monster hard-on." "Strange way to start a relationship." " Relationship?" " Yes." "Why not?" "You're crazy." "Stop it." "I'm going home now." "Can I come too?" "If you want." "If we rush, we can take the first metro." "I love the first metro." "After the first comes the second." "That's the one we need to take." "I know it." "Trust me." " How do we know it's the first?" " I know." "But we can check." "Excuse me, ma'am." "Is this the first metro?" "Yes, it's the first." "See?" "It's the first." "She said it's the first." " You're not regulars?" " No." "I take it every day." "I'm not the only one." "I know everyone... by sight." "I'm a chambermaid in a fancy hotel." "I didn't work long enough to get a decent pension." "That's all I could find." "I'm not from around here." "Yvetot." "Do you know it?" " No, I'm from Lons." " I'm from Paris." "Before, I mostly worked in retail." "In sales." "La Chapelle." "La Chapelle." "I've had a hectic life." "I fell in love too often." "The job centre can't handle people like me." "So, of course... it's cleaning." "It's good with my cousin." "We've made ourselves a life, just us girls." "No, but... it's not so bad when you think about it." "I like Paris." "It's... it's big." "It's anonymous." "I think you're better off in anonymous places." " Right?" " Yeah." "The first metro... is not so bad." "Barbès-Rochechouart." "I get off here." " Goodbye." " Goodbye." " Have a nice day." " You, too." "Thanks." "Anvers." " It's here." " Anvers." "Let's go." "Being a notary is weird." "How do you decide to be a notary?" "It doesn't come to mind when you plan your future." "People mostly lack imagination." "I got the calling from reading Balzac." "Mauriac, too." "I haven't read much Balzac, but aren't notaries lame pencil-pushers?" "I mean, in novels." "In real life, it's so..." "exotic that it's sexy." "It's over there." "It's not the characters that inspired me." "It's that..." "Well..." "Balzac is life inside families." "He goes to the heart of things:" "money matters, property." "Everything we never mention." "Everything essential to society." " For rich people." " Not only." "It's true, our clients are not often labourers." "But they can be low-income." "All it takes is a tiny inheritance, a little house or even a bit of land." "You can't imagine the emotion involved." "It can break your heart." "They're stories nobody can tell you." "You can't make them up." " Unless you're Balzac." " Yeah." "Or Mauriac." "Balzac wrote a novel called The Seamy Side of History." "That's exactly it." "From where I am, I see the seamy side of history." "Can I come upstairs?" "To see where you live." "It's just a maid's room." "It's six flights up." " No big deal." " It's nothing special." "It has to be special." "You leave your mark where you live." "In some homes, it's like no one lives there." "Ever noticed?" "I know what you mean." "It's a bad sign." "You want my interior to prove..." "That you are." "That's it." "That you are." "People with nobody home are not, or not really." " What if I'm like that?" " Impossible." "But if you are, you'll never see me again." "Maybe I'll study urban planning." " Notaries can specialise." " Really?" " Isn't seamy history your thing?" " That too." "It's an idea that just hit me." "I think it has legs." " It's a good idea, right?" " Sure." "It's the door at the end." "It's quiet here." "I warn you, it's tiny." "I know what a maid's room looks like." "The 07 is because of my father." "My parents separated when I was a kid." "My father's psychologically unstable." "When I did my coming out, he freaked." "He'd call me all the time." "Nothing nasty." "He'd just rave on:" "fags, the end of the world, Martians..." "It was unbearable." "He called non-stop." "He'd leave hour-long messages." "It couldn't go on." "I didn't want to get the police involved." "Imagine, lodging a complaint about your dad." "He wasn't threatening me or being homophobic." "Nothing." "He was just ruining my life." "So I changed numbers." "My mom and half-sisters changed, too." "We're an 07 family now." "Sometimes I call him, by Skype!" "When I have plenty of time." "You're beautiful." "I like your body." "Behind your ear, it's soft." "Your stubble... it scratches." "I like how it scratches." "Your neck." "You smell so good." "Your nipples." "Your stomach." "I like your dick." "It's really beautiful." "I don't know how to describe it, but I like it." "I like looking at it." "I like taking it in my hand." "I like kissing it." "Your balls are beautiful, too." "Here, in my hand, they're delicate." "Yet they have weight." "I kiss them." "They're soft." "So soft." "Sh..." "Stop it." "Should we make love again today?" "I don't think so." "Let's leave it at that." "Time to go." "I'll see you tomorrow." "We can meet up before." "Good idea." "I'll call you." "Or you call me." "Whoever gives in first?" "I'm going." "Want to come to my place?" "I was leaving and in the staircase..." "I can't leave you like this." "Till tomorrow, when we go to the hospital." "My place isn't huge, you'll see." "But it's... a bit more..." " Do I get dressed?" " Uh, yes, get dressed." "Then what?" "And then?" "You'll take your treatment..." "and I'll be there." "For 28 days?" "It's not long." "Then what?" "You'll do the test and we'll wait for the result." "And by that time, after three months and 28 days together, we'll be strong enough." "Even if I'm sure you'll be negative." "After that, if you still want to have sex, if you're not scared, we can keep going." "Then what?" "We'll keep going." "There'll be no reason to stop." "We'll stay together." "For a long time." "How long?" "A long time." "I don't know." "Let's say... 20 years." "In 20 years, we'll do so much." "We'll go... to the supermarket." "Or maybe something huge." "We'll save whales, or just a kitten." "A cause, or a world-changing invention." "I don't know... something." "Then what?" "After that... we'll break up, I guess." "Like everyone else." "And we'll be sad but that's life." "You're sure it's worth it?" "Breakfast?" "Something sweet this time?" "Wait, I forgot my phone." "You're with me." "Who would you call?" "Even so..." "If you go back, I'll leave." " It's over." " You mean it?" "I mean it." "If you turn back, if you look behind you, you lose it all." "Everything I promised." "Let's go forward." "We're not afraid." "Can I use your phone to call my mum?" "I call every Sunday." "Keep it until Monday night." "Wait." "Look." "See?" "This is when it all starts."