"Mac, you've got to see this movie, dude." " Really?" "I found it boring." " It's about the end of the world." "Inconvenient Truth is not about that." "It's about how, if we don't stop global warming," " we're gonna destroy this environment." " It sounds cool." "I'll check it out." "It's awesome." "Dude, come on." "What the hell is that?" "What?" "Are you kidding me?" "What is the big deal, Dennis?" "What is the big deal?" "Are you nuts?" "You see a movie, now you're crazy about the environment." "I'm sorry." "Maybe I would actually like to do some good in this world." " Make a difference." " You would?" "You want to do good?" " Yes." "I do." " You're not good at that." " I can do good." "I am capable of doing good." "You just screw people over for your own benefit." "You guys are gonna be so angry when you look back and see that the world looks at Dennis Reynolds and says, "Dennis," ""you are a good person, you are making a dif... "" "Holy shit!" "What?" "There's a baby in this Dumpster." "What the hell is it doing?" " We got to call somebody." " Who?" "The police?" "The mother?" "I mean, think, Dee." "Somebody threw this baby in the trash." "We can't put it back into the system." " It's a terrible system." " It's a horrible system!" "We live in a throwaway culture." "Everyone's looking for the easy way out." "Don't wanna carry your Big Gulp?" "Just throw it in the street." "Don't want to take care of your baby?" "Throw it in a Dumpster." "I just can't take it!" " Charlie, you're harping on it!" " I'm sorry." "I'd like to know whether or not I share a bed with my father!" "I'm telling you, I am not your father!" "Enough!" " Then take a stupid blood test!" " I'm not taking no blood test!" "Look, I had enough of this, I'm not even gonna talk..." "What the hell is that?" "It's a baby we found in the trash." "Put it back." "It doesn't belong to you." "We're not going to put it back." "Give it to the cops." "Get it out of here." " It's bad for business." " That's great." "Pass the buck..." "Everybody passing the buck, you know?" "It's time we start taking responsibility for the refuse we're creating." "Oh, my God, dude." "Are you still harping on that stupid global heating movie" " you saw?" " Globalwarming, Charlie." "Yeah, right." "Like the Earth is magically getting hotter." "Stop!" "This is not the right environment for a child." "I'll take care of the baby until we figure out what to do with it." "Dee," " you're helping me." " What?" "No, I'm not." "See what's happening here?" "Do you see this?" "Family values in this country are going down the toilet." "It's because of people like you." "Men and women raising a child together is a proven system a thousand years old." "There're parental roles that need to be filled here, right?" "Otherwise, the kid winds up roaming the streets, having unprotected sex with multiple partners, sharing needles and contracting the HIV virus and it's all your fault." "Are you happy, Dee?" "Is this what you wanted?" "You just gave this baby full-blown AIDS!" "What the hell are these scrubs doing, dude?" "They're activists." "They're sifting through the trash looking for recyclable materials." "Recycling?" "What a waste." "Frank, we are trying to make a difference." "You see, he has no problem not calling me "Dad."" "Uh, hey, man, where can I get one of those recycle bags?" "Get lost, narc." "Excuse me?" "What we're doing is completely legal, you just leave us alone?" "I'm not a cop, man." "I just want to help out." "Sure, you do." "I saw you pull up in that Range Rover." "Is everything okay, Sage?" "No, everything is fine." "I was just explaing to your friend that" " I wanna help you guys out." " Listen," "I know your type..." "straight edge, mainline, weekend warrior coming down here in your cashmere sweater, with your moussed-up, hair-sprayed coif." "This isn't just a hobby for us, so why don't you take your phony, suburban, half-assed bullshit someplace else?" "I'll take that, hippie!" "Hey, Frank!" "Can you believe this thing, man?" "Charlie !" "Get down!" "This is amazing!" "Look at this!" "You could chop a camel right in the hump and drink all of its milk right off the tip of this thing!" "That is a find, man!" " It's an Ali Baba sword!" " Spectacular!" "Let's get out of here." "Look at this." "I don't care about that, all right?" "You're making me look like an asshole." "I'm trying to make a difference, and you're over here rummaging like a couple of narcs, okay?" "You can't just come down here with your mainline, cashmere, moussed coif hairspray and start being like a suburban tool!" "What are you saying?" "Did you even look at this thing?" "I don't know." "I think I just got punk'd out by a couple of hippies." "I got to do something about this." "God damn this dumbster baby's heavy!" "No, it's good for your back." "All right, so we got the diapers and the wipes and the powder." "Shit, this raising babies is easy." "Okay, first things first." "Baby smells like trash." "Throw it in the bath." " Already with this?" " I didn't do it." "Already with this?" "I come home to a crying baby?" "I didn't do anything." "It's okay." "You know what?" "I'm just gonna kick back, grab a beer, and watch the Sixers." "You're not gonna help me and do this with you?" "Would it kill you to go shopping once in a while?" " We're out of beer." " We are?" "We're not out of anything, You don't live here." "One left." "If we're gonna raise this baby together," "I think it's important that we at least try to make it work, so, when you're done with the bath, why don't you go out and get some beer?" "And, um... a pack of smokes would be good." "We're not gonna raise anything together." "You know why?" "I said I would help you hang onto this baby for a couple of days until we figure out what to do with it." "Really?" " You're gonna raise your voice to me?" " I'm not." "I'm trying to have a conversation, I feel like you're berating me for absolutly no reason." "So, you know what?" "For the sake of the baby, I think we need some space." "I'm gonna go out with the guys and blow off some steam." "You're gonna dump this thing on me and leave?" "You gonna guilt me into staying?" "Okay, I guess I have to stay." "For the sake of Dumpster baby." "But I'll tell you what." "I'm not gonna stand here and be berated." "I'm going to bed." "Charlie!" "Would you just please lay there and go to sleep?" "I can't sleep, dude." "It's impossible." "My mind's going like a mile a minute." "Stop thinking about it." "I'm not your father." " Now, go to sleep." " Dude, it's not that." "I'm thinking about something completely different." " It's the trash, isn't it?" " It's the sweet, sweet trash." "I mean, man, we found some amazing shit out there, today." "The kind of shit I didn't think you could find in the trash, you know?" "I'm just going nuts thinking about what else is out there." "Frank, there's ordinary guys just like you and me going through everyone else's trash." "People don't appreciate their trash, Frank." "Let's go get the flashlights." "So I scale this tree." "This is a big tree, too, right?" "I get to the top of it, I find the nest." "This is baby bluebirds." "They're starving to death, so I regurgitate my lunch nourish the entire flock..." "Well, well, well, check it out, babe, the narc is back." "Hey, uh, Sage," "I thought about what you said and" "I think you were right, man, I was half-assing it, but I'm not gonna half-ass it anymore." "I'm gonna devote myself completely to the cause." "Look, bro, just 'cause you come in here with your Birkenstocks and your Phish T- shirt doesn't mean you're devoted." "It means you're a total poser." "Wow, um..." "You know what, man?" "I'm just gonna go, then, I guess." "You know, I'll take my Birkenstocks and my Phish T- shirt" " and my kine bud with me." " What?" "Did you just say you had kine bud?" "Kine bu..." "Yeah, I mean, you know, I just have, like, this much." " Look at this, a little ray gun, like." " That's nice!" "Look at this thing right here, dude." "Put this in a plastic bag and boom!" "Shower radio, buddy." " Unbelievable." " Look at this." "We wrap stuff in this." "Look... wrap it all up." "Electrics?" "Electrics!" " A sneaker!" " What size?" " 14." " Throw it in the pile, baby." "Right in the pile." "Oh, Charlie, isn't this great?" "We go right to the source, forget about the dump." "Yeah, screw the dump, man." "It's right in your backyard, dude." "This is it." " What's that?" "What's that?" " It's another coat, man!" " Ooh, can I have it?" " No." " You already got one." " Frank, use your head." "This is the coat that's gonna protect my other coat." "Come on, man." " When you're right, you're right." " Yeah, baby, you'll find one." "If you keep digging, you're gonna find one of these." "Oh, you gotta be kidding me." "Oh, hello." "Look who it is, huh?" "The girl who ruined my life, by falling in love with my best friend and having sex with this guy right here." " How you doin'?" " Gross, and gross to you." "You know what?" "I don't know what you're doing." "I don't want to know." "Do it in somebody else's Dumpster." "Hold on a second." "What do you got in those?" "Coffee cups and food scraps." " Yeah, we'll take 'em." " Hand 'em over." " I don't know why it's cranky." " Maybe he's hungry, all right?" " Should we nursing it?" " I haven't slept in 3 days." "I don't have any thoughts anymore." "Raising a child is not nearly as fun as I thought it'd be." "Well, what if we put it back where we found it?" "Oh, my God, that is the cutest little baby I've ever seen." "What's his name?" " Uh, his name?" " It's..." " D.B." " D.B." "Oh, he could be a Gerber baby." "He could be in commercials." " I have an idea." " I'm three steps ahead of you." " We need to make Dumpster baby a star." " Exactly." "This is what I'm talking about." "We can't put it back into a corrupt system." "We have an opportunity to give it a future." "Yes, by making it a star." "And who have better lives than child stars?" " Nobody." " Rich, famous, they have it all." "They're the happiest people on hearth." "D.B, my main man, you got tossed into the right Dumpster." "Brenda, I'm not gonna waste any more of your time than I have to." "We've got meetings with agents all over town." "Can you make D.B. a star?" "Well, I'm sorry to say, but in today's commercial world, there's just no room for another white baby actor." "There's an influx already." "White babies don't sell." "White babies aren't selling right now." "Question: who is selling, Brenda?" "Well, the Latino market is the fastest growing demographic in the country." " Great." "So Mexicans are selling." " Oh, well, D.B. can play Mexican." "D.B. could definitely be a Mexican." "We get him some pistols." "He fires 'em off like crazy." "Do the jumping thing." "He does the Mexican jumping bean." "We get him a little thing with the chips." "And he can dip the chips into the nacho cheese." " It's perfect." " It's hilarious." "For all we know, he is Mexican." " 'Cause here's the thing." " Oh, oh, we got..." "I can't really get into the specifics of the whole thing, but we've got no idea who D.B.'s dad is." "We don't know who the dad is." "It isn't me..." "Sorry, but your son just does not look Latino." "Oh, well, I mean, that's a bit of a..." " disappointment for us." " That makes me sad." "Because we're truly trying to give him a future." "Is there anything we can do?" "Not unless you can change the color of this baby's skin." "Let me get this straight." "You want to put your baby into a tanning bed?" " That's correct." " I'm sorry, that's against the law." "Look, pal, we are well aware of the law, okay?" "We don't want to jam you up." "We just want to put him in there for a couple of minutes." "Just to get a base." "We'll sign whatever waivers or whatever you need." "Let us cook him, and we'll be out of your hair." "I'm feeling compelled to call the authorities." "Oh, are you?" "Then why don't we take our business elsewhere?" "I sense some judgment in your voice, sir, and I don't appreciate it." "You could have help change this child's life forever." "You chose not to." "That's on you." "I can live with that." "Come on, D.B." "I guess the road to stardom is paved with hard knocks and orange assholes." "Trees are people, too!" "Save this tree!" "These developer pigs are gonna tear down this tree." "So tonight, we will hold a candlelight vigil in protest." "Sage, Asrael, can we commune for a moment?" "Yeah, what's up?" "Listen, I don't want to be putting out any negative vibrations or anything like that, but I think we're going about this the wrong way." "Thanks, but we got it." "Why don't we hear him out, Sage?" "Thanks, Asrael." "Well, listen, while I think lighting a couple of candles and singing a few sweet jams sounds like a really good time, it's not gonna stop a bulldozer." "Somebody needs to step up and be a hero here." "So I'm thinking," "I would chain myself to that tree, and that way, if they want to kill that tree, they got to kill me first." "That is so brave of you, Dennis." " Is it?" " Wait." "If anyone is gonna chain themselves to anything, it's gonna be me." " But it was Dennis' idea." " No, wait, Asrael, he's right." "Maybe it should be him." "Right, I'm the one in charge here." "You're the one in charge." " Right, Mountain, go get some chains." " No, wait." "hold off on that, Mountain." "I brought some." "Charlie, we gotta stop, we gotta stop." " Two more, let's keep it moving." " We gotta drop off at the base camp." "No, no, base camp." "We got to keep moving." "Do not lose that!" "Do not lose that!" "I think we gotta stop." "We gotta stop at the apartment." " No, dude, no time for that, man." " We gotta drop some stuff." "All right, fine." "Well, make it quick." "All right." "Charlie, maybe we should get rid of some of this shit." " What?" " Yeah." " What'd you say, get rid of it?" " Yeah." "Frank, look at this." "Huh?" "This-This..." "look at that, bro." "This shit is our future, man." "People are throwing this away." "Get rid of it, dude?" "Frank, we start getting rid of this, we're gonna just like the wasters out there." "Guess what?" "Somebody else is gonna find it." "You're right, you're right." "Where are we gonna sleep?" "So you still want to do this?" "Mountain, this is what it's all about." "Me and my girl, side by side, saving a life, bringing in the dawn together." "I mean, come on." " Looks like it's gonna rain." " It does look like it's gonna rain." "Have you seen Asrael?" "No." "Wonder where she is." "Tonight, we cross the plane of reality into the dimension of no place or time." "Open your mouth." "Become the journey." "What are we doing, man?" "It's pouring rain out here!" " We're like animals." " Look, we got to stick together," " we gonna make it." " We stick together." " All right, let's use our heads." " What are we gonna do?" " We got to get off of this rain." " Yeah." "Where are we gonna go?" "We could get in that Dumpster." "I'm not above that." "Let's go." "Asrael!" "Where are you?" "!" " Can I get a bite of that, dude?" " Okay." "I'm starving." "Charlie, I'm really sorry that I banged your girlfriend." "Bro, you got to stop talking about that, dude." "I'm also sorry that I didn't get the blood test." "But I know I'm a hundred percent positive that I am not your dad." "How can you be a hundred percent positive?" "How do you know?" "Your mother and I were gonna keep this a secret, but..." "After we made love, she did get pregnant." "But she had an abortion." " Really?" " Yeah." "Yeah." "Are you sure she went through with it, dude?" "Maybe she didn't tell you." "She probably went right from the clinic, banged some guy and got knocked up, because your mother was a giant whore." "You know what, dude?" "I don't believe you, Frank." " It's hard to take." " Oh, my God." "You're a liar, man." "Where are you going, Charlie?" "!" "To find out the truth!" "Charlie!" " Frank doesn't know the truth." " I knew it." "All right, you didn't have an abortion, you just told him you did." " I get that." " No." "I had an abortion, it just didn't take." "What does that mean?" "It means you survived it." "You survived the abortion." "What the hell are you talking about, Ma?" "We went to one of those clinics, one of those underground clinics because Frank didn't want to spend a lot of money." "And I had the procedure and then they told me you were dead." "And then, three month later, you popped out, happy as a clam." "Sweetie, I had to keep it a secret from Frank." "I never wanted the abortion in the first place." "But he was married," "I knew if he found out, he would've forced me to get rid of you, once and for all." "He would've made me throw you in a Dumpster." "Oh... my..." "God." " No, his skin need to be darker, Dee." " Yeah, I know." "We're just gonna paint this bronzing lotion on him" " Shoe polish." " Shoe polish?" "Shoe polish on a baby?" "You are such an idiot." "Gonna look stupid and smell like shit." "We'll see." "Where's D.B ?" "My door's open." " Did he get kidnapped?" " Somebody took him?" "There's a note." ""Taked baby." ""Meet at later bar, night or day sometime."" "Charlie." "Feast your eyes on this." "Oh, my God, Charlie, where did you get a baby?" "I think you know good and well where I got this baby now, don't you?" " What the hell are you talking about?" " I'm talking about you and Frank throwing your love child here in the Dumpster behind Paddy's Pub." "Do you think I wouldn't find out?" "Well, I did, yeah." "What you might not know, is that this little baby of yours also happens to be my half brother." "Charlie, the incident with Frank happened three months ago." "It takes nine months to make a baby." "So you can just give me the baby and stop screaming." "There was time where I would've helped you raise this little Dumpster baby brother of mine like a son, that's gone now 'cause you ruined it!" "You threw your babies away!" "And you threw your swords away!" "You threw your golf clubs and your tasty treats!" "And you know what?" "I found them." "And I'm gonna raise all of them." "Get me the number for Child Services." "Sage, buddy, how are you, man?" "How're you feeling?" "I did it." "I saved the tree." "You sure did, man." "You saved that tree." "I got to say, I'm really impressed." "I could've done what you did here today." " I'm a hero." " You are, you're a hero." "Come here." "Come here, come with me." "Man, it is a good day to be alive." "It's a good day to be alive, isn't it?" "Okay, guys, she's all yours." "You might want to see this." "I banged your girlfriend." "What time did he say he was gonna meet us?" ""Later bar, night or day sometime."" " What does that mean?" " I don't know." "Hey, any of you guys seen that Ali Baba sword that Charlie had?" " What?" " The little shit dumped me in a Dumpster, last night." "I'm taking all the stuff." "Every man for himself." "I got to fing another Baba sword." "Pour me a shot there, I am the man." "Why are you so chipper?" "I got punked out by this peace activist." "So what I did is, I infiltrated his organization," " I banged his girlfriend..." " Hey, Frank!" "You recognize this young man right here?" "Or should I say "Hey, Dad"?" "That's right, everybody." "Who would like to hear a mind-blowing story?" "Nobody." "Give us back our baby, so we can paint it." "You're gonna paint it?" "Be careful painting it 'cause you'll be painting my brother." "I guess you already knew that, didn't you, Dad?" "What the hell are you talking about?" "About you and the waitress duming your baby in a Dumpster." "And the abortion that you tried to make my mom have." "Well, guess what, Frankie?" "It didn't take." "I'm an abortion survivor, Dad!" " I survived the abortion, Dad!" " First of all, it takes nine months to have a baby." "That is not my baby." "Second of all, your mother is feeding you a line of crap." "Holy shit, you guys kept the Ali Baba sword?" "Gimme the sword." "That's the sword, I want it." "Back off, man." " I'm trying to play with it." " It's my sword."