"( theme music playing )" "you will note that edith is over at the window table, gently weeping." "( sobbing ) the reason is as follows:" "i was, at the point of 20 guns, in the process of marrying denise laroque, the head of the communist resistance, when edith, bravely or stupidly, depending upon your viewpoint, substituted herself for denise," "in the hope of becoming my bride." "little did she know that my waitresses over there, who both have the hots for me, had substituted crabtree, the idiot english agent, for the catholic priest." "this, of course, means that the wedding was not legal, a) because he was not a proper priest;" "and b) because even the good lord himself could not have understood one word of the ceremony." "fools, fools, fools." "madame edith, we are mortified." "we had your best interests at heart." "and rene's best interests." "all our best interests." "i was so near, and yet so far." "but for your bungling, i would now be a respectable married woman." "if you would all stop going on about your own selfish interests, you would realize what sort of a position i am left in." "my childhood sweetheart, denise laroque, kills any man who rejects her, and who will she blame for this fiasco?" "me!" "because i told everybody about the wedding plans." "do not worry, my would-be husband." "she is safely holed up in the bottom of a mine shaft by michelle of the resistance." "and what happens when she escapes?" "we will keep her there till after the war." "i will send sandwiches down." "what about that lunatic gang of cutthroats, who were on the bride's side of the aisle?" "if i may say so, monsieur, speaking as the best man, even i found it hard to hear the murmured responses." "it is my belief they thought madame edith was mademoiselle laroque, that the marriage took place and that it is, even now, at this moment, being consummated." "monsieur alphonse, please!" "such language." "what happens in two or three weeks, when denise laroque does not appear?" "with your reputation, monsieur, it will be assumed that she is too exhausted to resume guerrilla warfare." "what reputation?" "it is all part of the myth, edith." "word of mouth exaggerates little things into big things." "i blow up a bus station, it becomes an ammunition factory." "you know how it is." "you are all to blame." "perhaps this will teach you to consult me before putting into effect your idiot plans." "we are sorry, rene." "just think, denise laroque down a mine shaft." "she will not like this." "i can see her now, scraping at the bare earth with her bare hands." "spitting my name between her clenched teeth." "and what happens if she finds a shovel?" "!" "oh my god, i wish i had not thought of that." " the mine shaft is a mile deep." " is that all?" "!" " ( knocking ) - there is someone at the door." "it's the communists. i knew it." "do not let them in." "it is michelle from the resistance." "rene:" "what are you doing here?" "you should be sitting on a big slab of stone on top of the mine shaft." "the slab of stone is still in place." "oh, thank heavens." "unfortunately, denise found a shovel." "( all scream )" "oh, rene, rene!" "he is dead, he is dead!" "i am not dead, you silly cow." "pretend that you are, they are still outside." "all:" "rene, dead!" "rene is dead." "it would appear... that they burst through the door, and sprayed bullets into the cafe." "rene..." "fell to the floor... and expired." "what were his last words?" "i believe-- "oh, heck, it hurts."" "i see. nothing about the paintings?" "colonel, there is an old man outside, who says he is the father of the late rene artois." "show him in." "come in, monsieur artois." "sit down, dear monsieur artois." "we were most sad to hear of your loss." "rene spoke of you frequently." "although he did not mention that you were a rabbi." "are we alone?" "of course." "shut the door." "helga, close the door." "i have to tell you... that i am not the father of rene artois." "then who are you?" "i am rene artois." "no!" "yes." "the disguise is amazing." "but of course, i should have noticed those delicate hands." "what is all this about?" "colonel, i have come to ask for your help, and to throw myself on your mercy." "indeed, what can we do for you?" "well, first of all, that was not a proper wedding." "was it not?" "tell us more." "well, under threat of death, i was ordered to marry the head of the communist resistance." "were you indeed?" "this explains a lot." "do you mean to tell me, we were in the same church as the leader of the communist resistance, and she was the bride?" "no, colonel, no." "no, madame edith from the cafe was the bride." "then you are now... married to madame edith from the cafe?" "no, it was not a proper priest." "why was it not a proper priest?" "because my waitress, yvette, has hopes of marrying me, herself." "as does mimi, the other waitress." "they had replaced the proper priest with a bogus one." "what complicated lives you french people lead." "the head of the communist resistance is trying to kill me." "don't worry, you'll get used to it." "they're trying to kill us all the time." "but could you not give me some sort of protection?" "for instance, put an armed guard in my cafe?" "give me a bulletproof waistcoat?" "lend me a tank to go shopping?" "rene, you seem to forget that you are the enemy." "colonel, if you don't mind me saying, i am the enemy who knows where your paintings are hidden." "in that case, we have the perfect solution." "you produce the paintings, and we'll produce the protection." "helga, send for the guard." "guard, come in here." "throw this old peasant out into the street." "yes, colonel." "( rene whimpering )" " open the window!" " what?" "!" "not out of the first floor window, out the front door." "helga, close the door and come here." "yes, colonel." "our entire fortune is in rene's hands." "he is the only one who knows the whereabouts of the paintings." "here is a gun." "you will follow him and you will give him every possible protection." "if he is shot, i want you to be near enough to hear his dying words." "what if his dying words do not concern the whereabouts of the paintings?" "keep him alive." "slap his face, ask him." "whatever you do, do not lose sight of him." "will i not be conspicuous standing outside the cafe all day, brandishing this gun?" "mingle with the peasants." "wear a disguise." "it's an order." "yes, colonel." "excuse me, is this the secret headquarters of the gestapo?" "it was until now." "i wish to speak to herr flick." " it is very urgent." " who is it?" "i believe it to be a jehovah's witness." "he's very very old, but he appears to be harmless." "drag him in." "ah, rene," "sit down." "your honeymoon has aged you considerably." "herr flick, this is a disguise, and a very uncomfortable one." "herr flick, my life is in danger from the communist resistance." "could you please lock me up in one of your dungeons for a few days, until the heat is off?" "i'm sure i could make it worth your while." "certainly not." "we pick the people we lock up." "we cannot have people walking in off the street, asking to be locked up, just to be protected from other people." "our dungeons would be so full, we would have peasants coming out of our ears." "get him out of here." "herr flick says you are to get out." "i am sorry to have troubled you, herr flick." "oh, could i have my beard back, please?" "von smallhausen, this man could lead us to the communist resistance." "follow him." "take photographs of anybody he meets, especially if they are assassinating him." "very good, herr flick." "of course it's very good." "i thought of it." "shop. service!" "is this a police station or a mortuary?" "will you please stop bonging the bill?" "or i shall lick you up for disturbing the puss." "officer crabtree, it is i, rene artois." "will you lock me up, please?" "are you confessing to some cream?" "yes, cream galore." "in that curse, you must fill in a foam." "here is a list of creams." "i will tick what you have din." "murder?" "no." "minslaughter?" "no." "roop?" "no." "biglary?" "biglary with minaces?" "handbog snitching?" "arson?" "what is arson?" "setting fire to places." "look, i-- i-- my life is in danger, so i will confess to all of these things, as long as you lock me up." "i see." "unfortunately, all the cills are filled to copocity." "could you come back next woke?" "oh my god." "why do i pay rates?" "here is your dinner, mamma." "boiled rabbit bone gruel." "ugh." "what is to follow?" "stewed prunes." "stewed prunes, it is a terrible war." "oh, now, edith, sit down and listen." "now, you remember my grandmother's clock?" "you know, the one with the jeweled face?" "oh, you mean the one that was stolen from marie antoinette's boudoir by the scullery maid, who was stabbed to death by your great-great- grandfather's uncle, who passed it on to his illegitimate son," "who died of leprosy and left it to your mother's brother's second wife?" "no, not that." "i cannot find that one." "the one i am talking about is very valuable." "and i have sent it to be repaired." "oh, edith, it was to be your wedding gift." "oh, mamma." "now, when it comes back, i want it up here, in my room." "is it of great sentimental value?" "yes, it is, and i also wish to tell the time." "ah, um..." "we british airmen, come from the skies." "shot down." "wish to give up." "are you mad?" "it's every officer's duty to escape." "good heavens, it's crabtree." "listen, weren't you sent to get us back to england?" "well, it's very difficult." "don't you know there's a war on?" "look, we've been here for ages and nothing seems to happen." "to be perfectly honest, we're not at all satisfied with these de gaulle resistance people, and we're thinking of taking our business elsewhere." "the communists seem to have more go in them." "communists, i don't like the sound of that." "daddy would lose his seat." "parliament?" "wimbledon." "no, definitely not the communists." "haven't you got a liberal resistance?" "yes, but he's in bed with the flu." "i am very worried about rene." "it is ages since anyone has seen him." "if that woman has shot him, i will spend the rest of my life hounding her down." "we must all be very brave and carry on as normal." "monsieur leclerc!" "you have not cleaned behind the bar." "it is full of empty bottle tops." "i will attend to it at once, madame." "almanacs!" ""old moore's almanacs"!" "who will buy an "old moore's almanac,"" "from an "old moore's almanac" seller?" "psst!" "psst!" "it is i, leclerc." "no!" "it is i, leclerc!" "well, i am in great danger and nobody will protect me." "they search for me everywhere." "every minute there is an attempt on my life." "( rene shrieks ) special delivery for artois." "oh, how wonderful." "it is ticking." "ticking?" "!" "it is a bomb!" "no, rene-- you fool!" "that was not a bomb." "it was a precious clock." "mamma was going to give it to us for our wedding present." "well, why did you not say?" "oh, what am i going to do?" "( water drips ) the shock will kill her." "( pieces rattle ) it will be ready a week on thursday." "rene, something very strange is happening in the street." "do not let them in." "edith, mimi, look!" "( barking )" "the cigarette holder, tight skirt, the poodle." "are you about to offer me a... good time?" "ja?" "how would you like to go to the russian front?" "i was hoping for a place a bit nearer." "go away." "what is your game, mademoiselle?" "this is our pitch." "do you want to get your face bashed in?" "it is i, helga." "helga?" "i am here to protect rene from assassination." "where is he?" "he is hiding in the cafe." "i did not see him enter." "he is in disguise." "follow me." "oh, it is helga." "helga?" "( toy barking ) i expect the smoke is bothering it." "sit." "i am working under orders to protect you, rene." "see, rene?" "you do have friends after all." "helga, you should not be doing this." "it is very dangerous." "street girls have protectors." "they are called pimps." "you must not underestimate the efficiency of the german army." "i have a gun." "i also have-- a pimp." "( blows whistle )" "that is gruber." "please, not so loud." "i do not wish my fellow officers to find out that i am running a woman." "what is going on?" "we are very keen to protect you from harm." "apart from..." "the high regard in which we hold you as a person and friend, you know the whereabouts of the paintings, which are going to keep us all after the war." "rene, i am sure if you told lieutenant gruber where the paintings are, he would do his utmost to protect you." "you may rely on it." "the paintings are in the headquarters of the communist resistance." "but, if you think i am going looking for them, you've got another think coming." "this places me in a very difficult position, rene." "if i do not produce the paintings for general von klinkerhoffen, he will send me to the russian front." "this is quite simple." "we will consider all the facts, and then we will form a plan." "let us all sit down calmly, and have a glass of wine." "monsieur leclerc, wine." "we must not forget that we have copies of the paintings." "where are they?" "they are in my larder, safely hidden in a variety of sausages, mostly knockwurst." "could we not give them to the general, to keep him quiet?" "lieutenant gruber, how do you feel about attacking communist headquarters in your little tank?" "well, um... to be frank, uh... frightened." "here." "oh, this is a very good vintage." "is it from our cellar?" "no, no, no." "it was sent to you as a present, with a note to say "good luck."" "rene has so many admirers." "shall i pour?" "go ahead." "give me the bottle." "you're getting more on the table than in the glass." "rene!" "that is it." "they are after me." "i'm not staying here one moment longer." "i am heading for the station." "( register rings ) there must be a vacancy for a cuckoo clock salesman somewhere in switzerland." "rene, you must not leave here." "we will have to prevent you from leaving." "stand back!" "i am a desperate man." "anybody who tries to follow me, will do so at their peril." "rene, i have never seen you like this." "anybody who tries to follow... will die!" "farewell." "do not make a sound." "denise is waiting in the truck." "she wants to have a little talk with you." "( old man's voice ) why would she want to talk to an old lame bent old man?" "can you not see that i am my father?" "walk!" "ah, you must be denise." "i am the dear old lame father of rene artois, who was so sadly shot." "take off that disguise." "now, look, i-- oooh." "i can explain about the church." "there was so many people waiting to marry me, that some of them resented you jumping the queue." "save your words." "i know the truth." "in a fit of pique, i tried to have you shot, only to discover that you were blameless." "it is the women of the cafe that i should kill." "well, of course." "yes, they are to blame." "but is not killing a bit drastic?" "i am sure they would apologize, pay you nominal damages." "they will meet their fate in the fullness of time." "now, hold me." "kiss me. crush your lips with my lips, and tell me you will never leave me again." "( garbled ) i will never leave you again." "now, i have bad news." "i must go to lyon for the party conference." "i have been nominated to be party chairman." "oh dear. can you not get out of it?" "no, all is ready for me." "the ballots have been rigged." "the moderates are under lock and key." "the democratic process must take its course." "but i shall return, for revenge and for love!" "i can hardly wait." "a german patrol is approaching." "quick, i must go." "aarghh!" "farewell, love of my life." "until i return." "( theme music playing )"