"Help me." "As the sun rose over the Island of Cheese,..." " casting long shadows through the sausage bushes,..." " illuminating the tops of the honey trees..." " and warming the fields of smoked salmon,..." " I Baron Munchausen, who am world renowned..." " for telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth..." " Tighter!" " Hold steady." "How can you become a great actress if you get blown to pieces?" "...in my native land there to attempt the education..." " of my provincial, narrow-minded, and incredulous countrymen." "We heaved anchor and set sail." "We heaved anchor and set sail!" "Waves!" "The waves!" "Oh bugger!" "We are actors!" "Where the devil are the stagehands?" " Dead!" " All of them?" "Suicide." "Nothing to do with your acting." "lll luck pursued me." "I was blown towards the jaws of a whale..." " of such prodigious size and length..." " that even with my telescope I could not see the end of him." "What will become of the baron?" "Surely this time there is no escape." "At a time like this, a modicum of snuff can be most efficacious." "Hell's bells and buckets of blood!" "Where were the waves?" "The waves!" "You incompetent imbecile!" " It wasn't me." "It was her!" " It wasn't me!" "It was him!" "We are supposed to be professionals and we're trying to stay alive." "Sally!" "Stay in here." " Where's my brother?" " You haven't got a brother." "Then you just tell me why it says "Henry Salt  Son"." "I shouldn't have taught you to read." "It's traditional." "That's how it is." "No." "The Sultan's demands are still not sufficiently rational." "The only lasting peace is one based on reason." "I'm sorry, Mr. Jackson." "The first act didn't go so well." "One or two technical problems." "Don't apologise, Mr. Salt." "These are very trying circumstances." "Excuse me." "The officer who risked his life by destroying six enemy cannon and rescuing ten men held captive by the Turk." " We've heard so much about you." " I suppose so, sir." " Always taking excessive risks." " I only did my best, sir." " Have him executed at once." " Yes, sir." "Such behaviour is demoralizing for ordinary soldiers." "They're trying to lead simple, unexceptional lives." "Things are difficult enough without emotional people rocking the boat." "Constantinople!" "The court of the Grand Turk." "What a surprise..." " that a passing zephyr should waft me here." "Perhaps I should teach the Sultan a lesson or two." "His Highness the Sultan loved a good wine..." " and could never resist a wager." "Characteristics that cost him dear." "Lies!" "Lies!" "You scoundrels." "I won't put up with this!" "Stop this travesty!" "It's an insult." "I've never seen so much rubbish in all my life." "You don't know what you're saying." " After a sumptuous dinner..." " Is this supposed to happen?" "Please leave the stage." "This blackguard's an impostor!" "I am the Baron Munchausen!" " We are presenting a performance." " You're presenting a mockery!" "You present me as if I were a ridiculous fiction, a joke!" "What the devil's going on?" "Curtain!" "Get off!" "You're ruining the show!" "Do something." "I must talk with my audience." "Ladies and gentlemen..." "I must apologise for this dreadful occurrence." "I can assure you..." " Hello." " Hello." "Beautiful ladies." " Hello." " Beautiful ladies." " You have great taste, sir." " Otherwise, it's all quite wrong." " Listen, we've got a show to do..." " Good Lord!" "Berthold!" "Who's Berthold?" "How on earth...?" "It's marvellous to see you." "How are your legs?" "Where are the others?" "Albrecht!" "Adolphus!" "Gustavus!" "I can't believe it." "This is miraculous." " I'm Bill." " Is he still here?" "Get rid of him." " What is the matter?" " We'll start the second act afresh." " Who is this?" " Some old lunatic." " He is Baron Munchausen." " The real Baron Munchausen." "Yes, indeed." "Who, sir, may I ask, are you?" "A public servant." "I am responsible for the licensing of this theatre." "This is the Right Ordinary Horatio Jackson." "He happens to be winning the war and saving the city." "Please leave us!" "He's an ass!" "Only I can end this war." "I can end it because I began it." "I am the cause." "I'm afraid, sir, you have rather a weak grasp of reality." "Your reality, sir, is lies and balderdash." "I am delighted to say I have no grasp of it whatsoever!" " This man needs a doctor." " A doctor?" "We will continue with the show." "Thank you, Your Ordinariness." "Right, off." "Please, be reasonable." "If we don't get on with it, he will throw us to the Turks." "My Lords, ladies and gentlemen, Baron Munchausen at your service." "Found any noses recently?" "Give us a song!" "Most of you won't remember me or my adventures." "But I assure you, they are true." "The truth is, I am the cause of this siege." " What about the Turks then?" " This is a border dispute." " We're fighting for sea routes." " That was last time." "You poor, deluded fools." "If you'll do me the courtesy of accepting the word of a gentleman,..." " I will reveal the true cause of this war." "After my..." "Oh, dear..." "After my return from Egypt..." " I was most warmly welcomed by the Grand Turk." "His Highness the Sultan." "He knew of my reputation and held me in high esteem." "He was so delighted with my company..." " that he offered me access to his harem." "One day, he brought me a bottle of his favourite Tokay." " What do you think of that?" " Not bad." "My dear Munchausen, it's impossible to find better." "Humbug!" "I can procure for you, within the hour, a Tokay far superior to this..." " from the imperial cellar in Vienna, a mere 1,000 miles away." "Accept my challenge!" "If I don't succeed, you may cut off my head." " What are your stakes?" " I accept." "I wager as much treasure as the strongest man can carry." "Agreed!" "Give me pen and ink and I'll write to the Empress." "Berthold!" "Coming!" "Blast!" "Sorry chaps, I've got to go." "Take this to Vienna, to the Empress." "She will give you a bottle of wine." "Bring it straight to me." "Would you care for a little light entertainment while you wait?" "I composed a short opera." "Would you like to hear it?" "You'll love it." "It's a comedy." "It's called "The Torturer's Apprentice"." "Here's the overture." "The curtain..." "The curtain rises on a typical torture chamber." "Yosrick, the young apprentice, sings of his joy in his job." "A torturer's apprentice went his merry way to work one day" "I bend and stretch and ply my trade making people all afraid but business is slack there's no one on the rack but me." "Act four is set in an abattoir..." "I see a lot of slapstick." "We begin with the eunuch's chorus:" "Cut off in my prime." "Mein Herz, mein Herz." "Cut off in my prime surrounded by beautiful women a eunuch's life is hard..." " Excuse me a moment." " You won't want to miss this aria." "Life is rather like a game it's important that you win..." "Don't know." "If he's not here in 31/2 minutes, the Sultan will cut off my head." "Is that all?" "Sorry, I don't find that funny." "Do you?" " This isn't a joke, it's a wager." " A wager?" "He's asleep." "I can hear him snoring, about 900 miles away." "He's under a tree." "Near Belgrade." " There's a bottle beside him." " I hope he hasn't been at it." " What's the wind speed, Gus?" " Three knots." "I'm a modern man these days I find you have to be awfully cruel to be kind" "I'm a modern man you will agree it's either you or me." "Time's nearly up, I think." "Ready..." "Now!" " Not late, am I?" " No, not late, thank you very much." "Thanks, I needed a trim." " Much obliged." " From the Empress." "Delicious." "You win." "Treasurer, take from the treasury as much as the strongest man can carry." "Yep, that's it!" "Thanks, squire." " What is it?" " They've taken everything." " Gustavus." " Stop them!" " Bring them back!" " Gustavus!" "Again!" "Fire!" "Take cover, my friends!" "Regroup!" "And so, as you can see, the Sultan is still after my head." "Wait!" "Stop!" "Don't go." "Come back, there's more." "I haven't finished!" "Don't leave now." "Gustavus, Adolphus, Albrecht!" "We're about to make off with the Sultan's treasure." " Berthold!" " The name's Desmond!" "We're actors, not figments of your imagination." "Get a grip." "Come back!" "Come back!" "What is the Sultan playing at?" "It's Wednesday, isn't it?" "I'm terribly sorry about the show..." "This theatre is closed." "You and your company must leave the city." "But look at these endorsements." ""Mr. Salt's company holds a mirror up to nature." Vienna Clarion." ""Great value." Paris Echo." ""A good night out." Glasgow Herald." "Good boy... it's all right." "Here boy." "Are you all right?" " Am I dead?" " No." " Blast!" " Who are you really?" "Baron Munchausen isn't real." "He's only in stories." " Go away!" "I'm trying to die." " Why?" "Because I'm tired of the world." " And the world is tired of me." " But why?" "Why?" "Why?" "Why?" "Why?" "Because it's all logic and reason now." "Science." "Progress." "Laws of hydraulics." "Laws of social dynamics." "Laws of this, that and the other." "No place for a three-legged Cyclops from the South Seas." "No place for cucumber trees and oceans of wine." "No place for me!" "What happened in the story?" "In the Sultan's palace." "Did you escape?" "Were you killed?" "I don't know." "It was all a long time ago." " Who cares?" " I do." "I'm very tired..." " Goodbye." " Please tell me." " Go on." " Buzz off!" " Please." " You really want to know?" "Stop it!" "Stop it!" "We'll all be killed!" "Then we'll never know the end of the story." "Where are you going?" "Come back!" "Stop it!" "Wait!" "Come back!" "Take cover!" "Wretched child!" "Stop it!" "Get away!" "Stop it!" "Head down!" " You'll get us both killed." " I thought you wanted to die." "Yes, but I'm old enough." "Gentlemen, don't you think you should silence those enemy cannon?" " No, sir." " No?" " It's Wednesday." " Wednesday!" "The Turks are about to storm the walls." "You really are Baron Munchausen." "This is the end." "It's all over." "Generations of theatrical expertise snuffed out." "Sally?" "Get off!" "Sally, come here." "You cretinous, senile old fart!" "Thanks to you, we're to be thrown to the Turks." "But he is Baron Munchausen." "The real one!" " You must believe me." " Hurry!" "Honestly!" "He is." " Shut up!" " But he is... and he can save us." "Can't you?" "He jumped onto a cannon ball." "He really did." "He flew miles into the sky above the elephants and soldiers." " Stop lying!" " I'm not lying!" "Am I?" " As a matter of fact, you are." " But he did!" "The soldiers saw him, too." "They'll tell you." "Oh, they're dead." " But he did!" " No, I didn't." " Now you're lying." " I never lie." "Sally, stay here." "What's got into you?" "I didn't fly miles." "It was more like a mile and a half." "And I didn't precisely fly." "I merely held onto a mortar shell in the first instance..." " and then a cannon ball on the way back." "You maniac!" "You've done for us." "It doesn't matter now, the Turks are about to take the town." "I was just coming into my prime, between Romeo and King Lear." "My public will kill me for dying at a time like this." "Save us!" "Don't disappoint me." " You are a baron, aren't you?" " You're our only hope." " You are my only hope." " Ladies, please..." "As long as I,..." " Heronomous Carl Frederick Baron von Munchausen,..." " live and breathe, you shall come to no harm." "You so remind me of Catherine the Great,..." " whose hand in marriage I once declined." "They all remind you?" "Yes, why not?" "Bits here and bits there." "I have a plan!" "I will set forth immediately and find my extraordinary servants." "With their help, I'll raise the siege and save the town." " Brilliant, very good, bravo!" " How?" " I shall require your assistance." " Of course." " Just tell us what to do." " Kindly remove your knickers." "Look at all that underwear." "Isn't it beautiful?" "It's like a dream come true." "It's the dawning of the age of lovely, intimate things." "He'll kill himself." " Yeah, but it'd be well worth it." " Enough nattering." "Keep pumping." " Better report this." " You're right." "No..." "We need a very simple plan." "These are far too complicated." "The actors have an air balloon." "They're trying to escape." "Arrest them at once." " Throw them out of the town." " We can't open the gates, sir." " Throw them over the walls then." " Yes, sir." "Escaping, really!" "What would future generations think of us?" "Right, follow me." "Bring the ladder over here." "Baron!" " Have you seen Sally?" " No!" " Thank you, my dear." " Stop!" "You're under arrest!" "Let go!" "Let go!" "Take aim..." "Fire!" "I shall return with reinforcements." "Don't lose heart." "For all those ladies to whom I'm indebted for half a ton of linen:" "Don't catch cold!" "Au revoir." " Stay, Argus!" "I'll soon be back." " I will wait for you!" "Come back soon." "He won't get far on hot air and fantasy." "Blast!" "Hang on!" " Thanks." " Now you've ruined everything." "I'll have to douse the fires and let you down." " I'm going with you." " I absolutely and utterly refuse!" "If we go down now, we'll land on the church." " We've got to find your servants." " That is what I had in mind." " Where are we going?" " To the moon." "What?" "That'll take ages." " No, it won't." " Of course it will." " Why are we going there?" " That's where I last saw Berthold." " Have you ever been to the moon?" " No." "Interesting place." "The King and Queen are charming." "You know about their detachable heads, don't you?" "Their heads engage in intellectual pursuits away from the body." "The trouble is, heads and bodies don't always see eye to eye." " You do believe me, don't you?" " I'm doing my best." "Are you scared?" "Certainly not." " Are you?" " Certainly not." "Grab the rope!" "We're here." "You look different." "Younger." "I always feel rejuvenated by a touch of adventure." "Don't you get any younger, or we'll have to find a wet nurse." "You'll find that I'm one of the King's special favourites." "We shall receive a royal welcome." "Now what?" "I've got you, at last." " Bienvenuto alla luna." " Your Majesty!" "What a great pleasure to see you again." "May I introduce my friend Sally." "Sally, King of the Moon." "My full title is King of Everything." "Re di tutto." "You can call me Ray." "The moon is an insignificant part of my domain." "There's much more." "You seem to be in some discomfort." "What ails you?" "Nothing ails me." "Can you not see that I am at one with the cosmos?" "Is that all you can say?" "What are you, blind?" "Let me explain it:" "Since you were last here, my head,..." " where the brilliant parts are located,..." " is now ruling the known universe." "And what I don't know, I create." "I just created spring." "Seriously, without me there would be nothing." ""Cogito ergo es." I think, therefore you is." "He's a lunatic." "So it seems." "He's certainly fallen prey to delusions of grandeur." "Keeping in tune with the whole universe..." " requires much concentration." "So having you on the loose does not help." "Your stories distract me." "You are like a mosquito in the Taj Mahal." "My Liege, without my adventures, you wouldn't be here." "Well, so I am now part of your adventures?" "We shall see about that." "Now, who created who?" "I hope you'll be comfortable." "Ciao!" "There's my revolting body with the Queen!" "Stop it!" "I'm tired." "Go away!" "Damn it, he can't hear me." "You stinking, horrible man!" "It's so embarrassing." "Don't look, maybe he'll go away." "Imagine we were once attached." "We're totally incompatible." "He's dangling from the food chain and I am in the stars." "No, go away, I despise you!" "I'm back!" "I got lips again." "And I'm gonna use them, baby." "It's me, I'm your elephant of joy!" " Let me kiss you, baby." " Eat first, darling." "That's right!" "First eat then kiss!" "I need this stuff." "You can't do that when you don't got no mouth." "I'm back in business." "You don't go nowhere." " Baron!" " Your most Wondrous Majesty!" "I know you." "You're the little guy that tried to make off with my queen." "No more of that, piccolo Casanova." "What are you looking at?" "Here you go, lovebirds!" "I'm sure you'll be uncomfortable." "Free again, to concentrate on higher things." "Crawl back in the slime." "Missed me!" "I'm blind!" "My kingdom for a handkerchief!" "No, let me go!" "I haven't time for flatulence and orgasms." "Please, no more bodily functions." "Farewell, Baron." " "One of the King's favourites"?" " This cage isn't real." " It's part of the King's lunacy." " It seems solid enough to me." "I see we're in a not very helpful frame of mind." "The town is perfectly all right." " The assault is over." "They're safe." " How do you know?" "I just know." "What the devil..." "All right, I'm coming." "Come out of there." " Come out of there." " Ow!" "Stop that." " Why did you do that?" " I thought you might be unfriendly." "Of course I am!" "You'd be unfriendly, if I prodded you." "Who are you?" " I can't remember." " That'll be us, if we don't escape!" " Why are you here?" " I'm a very wicked criminal." " What have you done?" " I can't remember." " How do you know you're wicked?" " Well, for one thing..." "I'm in here." "And for another..." "I've got these shackles on." "Berthold!" "It's Berthold!" "It's me, the baron!" "I knew I'd find you." "You must come back to Earth and fight the Sultan." "You're Berthold, my old servant." "The leg irons are to slow you down." " You're joking." " You always wore them, remember?" " You're crackers!" " I'm Baron Munchausen." "We're wasting time!" " Darling Baron!" " Ariadne!" "I'm sorry we couldn't speak before,..." " but Roger's so difficult." "Where exactly is Roger?" "In bed with my body, of course." "Stop it!" "Stop it!" "If he discovers my head's with you..." "Quickly, climb into my hair." "Why's she making those funny noises?" "Her body's with the King, and he's tickling her feet." " Berthold, you're coming with us." " No chance!" " Why not?" "Are you frightened?" " That's it!" "Come on, help me." "Quickly, climb aboard." " Hold tight!" " I don't want to escape!" "I love this!" "I'll tickle you till dawn, darling." "I'll wipe everything away." "Tickly, tickly..." "I know you love this, but you don't say anything." "You're a pillow biter, that's it." "Baron, I must get back to Roger before he notices I'm headless." " I quite understand." " Darling, take me with you." " Back to Earth?" " Yes, oh yes!" "Without your body?" " I thought you loved me for myself!" " I did..." "I mean, I do." " It's just..." " We have to go!" "I think you're right." "It's impossible." "Take a lock of my hair." "Just a lock, Cocky!" "Not the whole carpet." " I shall treasure it always." " The King!" "I must go..." "Au revoir, my dear baron." "Yes!" "I'm coming, Roger!" "I'm going to drive you to China." "Let it out!" "My God!" "Where is your head?" "No wonder you're so quiet." "I'm too rough, I knocked it off." "I'll find it." "We'll play "Head and Seek"." "Oh, you play a trick?" "Darling, come out!" "You're not here." "Where are you?" "You're with the baron." "You are with that little man." "You told me size makes no difference." "You puttana!" "That's it!" "I'll find your baron, and then I'll kill you." "Faster!" "I'll make a baron brochette!" "Sybil, andiamo!" "Faster!" "We can't." "Berthold can hardly move." " Take his weights off." " I have!" " He's old." "He can't run anymore." " Nonsense, he's out of practice." "Come on, Berthold." "Look for him!" "Nowhere to hide for you, Baron." "What are you looking at?" "Look down there!" "There he is, Sybil!" "Down there!" "I've got you now, Baron." "There they are!" "Are you hungry, my darling?" "You take the baron, you the bald one,..." " and you take the little girl, because you're my favourite." "Dinner!" " You go this way, I'll go that way." " You're the last of your species." "No, don't split up on me now!" "Mayday!" "We're going down!" "Sybil, don't desert me now." "I'm free!" "I'm free at last." "The body is dead." "The body's dead, long live the head." "It's finished, finito!" "I shall prove a head does not need a body to survive." "I am omnipotent!" "Oh no, I've got an itch!" "Well done, Sally." "Baron Munchausen!" "How great to see you!" " Get off me!" " It's Berthold, your old servant." "Yes, we've been through all that." " Where are we?" " On the moon." " Oh yeah?" "Same old baron, eh?" " Can we go now?" "Get weaving!" "Hang on..." "It's all coming back." "I've been stuck here for 20 years." "Ever since you were last here." "You abandoned me here." "You swine!" "You went off with the Queen of Tarts and left me to rot in a cage." "Now you come back and expect me to follow you to the ends of the Earth?" "Yes." "Oh, all right." "Berthold, do you know where the rest of the gang are?" "Not a clue." "This is the sort of thing that no one ever believes." "Right, Berthold..." "You go first,..." " then Sally." "Careful." "Off you go." "That's it!" "Finito." "There's no more rope." " I'm coming back up." " Wait a moment." " Tie this to the end." " Where did you get this?" " I cut it from the top." " From the top?" "Where else do you think I'd get it?" "Yes, yes, yes..." "Splice it to the end so we may continue our descent." "Very clever!" "Great." "Why didn't I think of that?" "That's why he's a baron, and I'm a prole." "We'll never rescue them now!" "21/2 percent!" " That's not enough." " That's all I'm offering." "21/2 percent!" "Take it or leave it." "We want more!" "We want more!" "I'm still in one piece!" " I think..." " I can't imagine why." "Our descent into the volcano of Mt." "Etna..." " should have been slowed by a rising cushion of warm air." "The damn thing seems to have gone out." "Oh, no!" "Not more giants!" "Can I help you tiny mortals?" "I sincerely hope so." "I'm Baron Munchausen." "You may have heard of me." "We're looking for three men." "One with exceptional eyesight, one with superb hearing,..." " and one who's extremely large and strong." "Oh, we're all extremely large and strong here!" "I am Vulcan." "The god." "And these are my giant employees." "The Cyclops." "Who even now are going back to work!" "I supply arms and equipment to anyone who will pay the price." "Greeks, Trojans, Romans, Huns..." "It's not my fault they're crazy enough to slaughter each other." "You manky crew!" "Your go-slows don't impress me, I'm God!" "I have all the time in the universe." "Hear that?" "All the time, me!" "In the old days the staff got paid every 1,000 years." "This lot expects it every century." "It's outrageous!" " What's this?" " This is our prototype..." "RX intercontinental,..." " radar-sneaky, multi-warheaded, nuclear missile." "What does it do?" " It kills the enemy." " All the enemy?" "All of them." "All their wives, children, sheep, cats and dogs..." " All of them, gone for good." " That's horrible!" "Well, you see..." "The advantage is, you don't have to see one single one of them die." "You just sit comfortably, thousands of miles from the battlefield,..." " and simply press the button." "Where's the fun in that?" "We cater for all sorts here." "You'd be surprised..." "Would you care for a little fodder, perhaps?" "Delicious!" "It's not bad tea, as far as nectar of the gods goes." "You can stay as long as you like." "It's nice to have company for tea." "I'm sorry, but we have to go soon." "We're in a hurry!" "Here comes my midget manservant with the petits fours." " Albrecht!" " Baron!" "Berthold!" " What are you doing here?" " Looking for you." "I haven't got the treasure." "I spent... gave it to charity." "I don't want the treasure." "Albrecht, this is Sally." "I want you to come and fight the Turk." "No, I couldn't do that." "Not since I've found myself." "I didn't really want to be big and strong and carry things." "Now I know I want to be dainty and sensitive." "They call me the midget down here." "I love it." "He's gone funny." "Hello." "My darling... my dearest!" "Excuse me." "May I introduce Baron Munchausen,..." " and his little friend Sally, and Berthold." "And this is Venus." "The goddess." "My wife." "Madam, I am overwhelmed." "My love, my life." "Alpha and omega of my existence!" "I have something for you." "A diamond." "For you, my precious." "You're so sweet." "Another diamond." "Madam, I am alas unable to offer you so splendid a gift,..." " but may I say, your beauty excels even Catherine the Great,..." " whose hand in marriage I once had the honour of declining." " Baron, you flatter me." " Not one jot, madam!" "Not one tittle!" "What a handsome moustache." "Shall we... dance?" "Come and see the ballroom." "Come and see the ballroom." "Nice, isn't it?" "We've just had it done." "Do you know that?" "I can dance." "Here, watch this." " Sally, you can dance, can't you?" " No." "Thanks a lot." "Stop!" "Baron!" "Can we go now?" "Hello!" "Stop it!" "Come down!" "We've got to get back and save the town." " Please, Baron!" " Don't fret." "The town is safe." "The baron's kissing your wife." "I mean, what?" "You're a harlot!" "Whore!" "Do you hear?" "Whore, whore!" "That's enough, you strumpet." "No, wait, please..." " But, darling!" " Don't you "darling" me!" "Do something." "Save him!" " Darling, don't be jealous." " Jealous?" "I'm not jealous." "Give him back to me!" " You never let me have friends." " Don't wiggle at men, you floozy!" " Floozy?" " Sir, I must assure you..." " I'm a goddess!" "I can do as I like." " And I am the god, so shut up!" "Excuse me..." "Ungrateful mortal!" " You'll pay for this!" " I insist the lady is blameless." "Please, put the baron down." "He's always like that." " What have you done to them?" " You small-minded petty bourgeois!" " What have you done to the baron?" " You want the baron?" " You can have the baron!" " No thanks, it's okay..." "Did you enjoy that?" "Did I excite you?" "Oh, damn!" "I can't swim." "What's happening?" "You've got old again." "Well, I've just been expelled from bliss." "And it's your fault!" "Where are we?" "Answer me!" "The most probable explanation..." " is that we dropped through the world's centre to the South Seas." " That's miles away." " Oh, well done!" " I was happy in my volcano." " So was I." "An island!" " Is there a volcano on it?" " Shut up about your volcanoes!" "I think there is a volcano on it." "It's moving!" " I spy something starting with "M"." " It's a demon of the deep!" "That starts with "D", you klutz." ""M"...for monster!" " Will it eat us?" " With any luck." "Baron!" "Quick, give me a hand." " He looks dead to me." " He can't be dead." "He doesn't look very perky, does he?" "Is there a doctor in the fish?" "No doctors... no doctors." " We've got to get him warm and dry." " What's that noise?" "It's... music." "That's not music." "Look!" "There's a light." "Come on!" "This way... careful!" "Excuse me!" "We need some help." " We need some help." " No doctors!" "Do I hear the baron?" "Eh?" "Do I hear the baron?" " No doctors!" " Do I hear the baron?" "I just said that." "Use your trumpet!" "Adolphus." "Gustavus." "Is it really you?" " Baron!" "Berthold!" "Albrecht!" " I don't believe it." "This is Adolphus." "He could hit a bull's-eye halfway round the world." "This is Gustavus, who could blow over a forest with one breath." "Those were the days, eh?" "When we were young... and alive." " How do you mean?" " It's no good fighting it." " We're not dead." " You have to accept it." "We're all dead here." "This is Hell." " Heaven!" " Hell!" "Don't be stupid!" "Sit down, relax." "Have a game." "You're dead for a very long time." "What are you doing?" "You're giving up, aren't you?" " You can't, I won't let you!" " Go away, clear off." "What about Rose and Daisy, and my father and all the others?" " You promised to help them." " They are perfectly safe." "They can look after themselves." "Besides, there are more important things." "Such as?" "You horrible little brat!" "Can't you let me die in peace once in a while?" "Bucephalos!" "My Bucephalos." "You must have heard me shouting." " This is a good omen, what?" " Oh, yeah..." "Prepare a rowing boat." "Be ready to leave." "I have learned that a modicum of snuff can be most efficacious." "I'll never eat fish again." " Where's the baron?" " Baron?" "Baron, where are you?" "It's the baron." "Well, come on!" "I can't keep this up forever." "Look, the town!" "We're here." "Yes, and the flag's still flying." "I told you not to worry." "My God, it's the Sultan's army." "Quick, back in the fish!" "They're inviting us to defeat them." "We must oblige them." "On the count of three..." "Gustavus!" "Blow them back to Asia Minor." "Adolphus!" "Find the Sultan and shoot him." "Albrecht, row us ashore." "Berthold... make yourself useful." "You couldn't make that four?" "We're going down!" "Abandon ship!" "Abandon ship!" "I think the ship's abandoning us." "I still can't swim." "This is absolutely dreadful." "I've never been in such a rout." "I'm usually on the winning side." " You're too competitive." " Albrecht's useless." " We might as well give up." " You mustn't say that!" "Not you!" "If we attack from two directions, we confound surprise with confusion." "Albrecht and Gustavus will provide the major themes, while..." " Baron." " Don't interrupt." "What is it?" "This isn't going to work." "They're old and tired now." "It isn't like it used to be." "Don't you see?" " Where are you going?" " To give myself up." "I gave my word I would raise the siege and gathered you all here." "If you want to see Baron Munchausen again, do something about it!" "You can't give yourself up." "They might kill you." "And then we spent all that time in that smelly fish for nothing." "Agreed." "Friday 28th, you surrender." "That's three weeks from tomorrow." " We can fix the details later." " No, you surrender!" " We've discussed it." "You surrender." " But we're winning!" "We surrendered last time." "Now it's your turn." " What about the virgins?" " Forget them." "We're out of virgins." "Let us concentrate on reaching a civilised agreement..." " that can secure a world fit for science, progress..." "But not Baron Munchausen!" " You old lunatic!" " I'm afraid so." "Help, murder!" "Who let this man into my tent?" "If you are still interested in my head... it's yours." " I'm tired of it." " Send for the executioner!" "So, Mr. Jackson, still the rational man?" "How many people have perished in your logical little war?" "There are rules in life." "We cannot fly to the moon or defy death." "We must face facts, not folly." "You don't live in the real world..." " and so, you come to a very sticky end." " Have you any famous last words?" " Not yet." " "Not yet"?" "Is that famous?" " The man's a buffoon." "Executioner!" "Execute." "He did it!" "General, stop that man!" "I knew we could do it!" "All together now." "Well blown, Gustavus." " They're coming." " Come on, go on!" "Hurry!" "Berthold, run." "Make yourself useful!" "I can't do everything." "This way." "That's the way!" "Gently this time." "Gently!" "We did it!" "We did it!" "Look, they don't believe it." "We've won!" "We've won!" " Come back!" " We've won." "But of course." "Put me down!" "He's in the church tower." "There he is, shoot him!" "Bring a doctor!" "Quickly!" " Don't leave me, Baron." "Please!" " Get off him." "Give him some air." "Here is the doctor." " Take care of Sally." " No doctors..." "No doctors." "Get away!" "Leave him alone!" "Sally's having a fit." "Stop it!" "He's dead." "...that was only one of the many times I met my death." "An experience which I don't hesitate strongly to recommend." "And so, with the help of my inestimable servants,..." " I defeated the Turks and saved the day." "And from that time forth, everyone who had a talent for it..." " lived happily ever after." "Stop this nonsense at once!" "You are under arrest..." " for spreading ridiculous tales at a time of danger,..." " with the enemy at the gate." "Arrest him." "Open the gates." "I order you to arrest that man at once." "Am I not the elected representative?" " Arrest him!" " Open the gates." "This way!" " Come on." " Do not open the gates!" "The Turk is outside." "We will not surrender." "Open the gates." "Come on, dear ladies." "Forward the players!" " Do not open the gates." " Keep up." "Steady as you go." "Come back, I'm warning you!" "Do not open those gates." "Follow me!" " The gates will remain closed." " Open the gates." "Shoot anyone who disobeys my orders." "Hold your ground, hold your ground!" "Open the gates, dear friends, and let's seize the day." "Nothing destroys a man as ignorance and conformity." "Grasp the mantle!" "No, no, no!" "Quite wrong." "Open the gates!" "Shoot them!" "Shoot these people at once!" "So!" "It's treason, is it?" "Right, you're all under arrest." "All of you!" "Bucephalos." "My Bucephalos." "Beautiful ladies..." "Beautiful ladies..." "It wasn't just a story... was it?" "English subtitles:" "IFT" "Help me." "As the sun rose over the Island of Cheese,..." " casting long shadows through the sausage bushes,..." " illuminating the tops of the honey trees..." " and warming the fields of smoked salmon,..." " I Baron Munchausen, who am world renowned..." " for telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth..." " Tighter!" " Hold steady." "How can you become a great actress if you get blown to pieces?" "...in my native land there to attempt the education..." " of my provincial, narrow-minded, and incredulous countrymen." "We heaved anchor and set sail." "We heaved anchor and set sail!" "Waves!" "The waves!" "Oh bugger!" "We are actors!" "Where the devil are the stagehands?" " Dead!" " All of them?" "Suicide." "Nothing to do with your acting." "lll luck pursued me." "I was blown towards the jaws of a whale..." " of such prodigious size and length..." " that even with my telescope I could not see the end of him." "What will become of the baron?" "Surely this time there is no escape." "At a time like this, a modicum of snuff can be most efficacious." "Hell's bells and buckets of blood!" "Where were the waves?" "The waves!" "You incompetent imbecile!" " It wasn't me." "It was her!" " It wasn't me!" "It was him!" "We are supposed to be professionals and we're trying to stay alive." "Sally!" "Stay in here." " Where's my brother?" " You haven't got a brother." "Then you just tell me why it says "Henry Salt  Son"." "I shouldn't have taught you to read." "It's traditional." "That's how it is." "No." "The Sultan's demands are still not sufficiently rational." "The only lasting peace is one based on reason." "I'm sorry, Mr. Jackson." "The first act didn't go so well." "One or two technical problems." "Don't apologise, Mr. Salt." "These are very trying circumstances." "Excuse me." "The officer who risked his life by destroying six enemy cannon and rescuing ten men held captive by the Turk." " We've heard so much about you." " I suppose so, sir." " Always taking excessive risks." " I only did my best, sir." " Have him executed at once." " Yes, sir." "Such behaviour is demoralizing for ordinary soldiers." "They're trying to lead simple, unexceptional lives." "Things are difficult enough without emotional people rocking the boat." "Constantinople!" "The court of the Grand Turk." "What a surprise..." " that a passing zephyr should waft me here." "Perhaps I should teach the Sultan a lesson or two." "His Highness the Sultan loved a good wine..." " and could never resist a wager." "Characteristics that cost him dear." "Lies!" "Lies!" "You scoundrels." "I won't put up with this!" "Stop this travesty!" "It's an insult." "I've never seen so much rubbish in all my life." "You don't know what you're saying." " After a sumptuous dinner..." " Is this supposed to happen?" "Please leave the stage." "This blackguard's an impostor!" "I am the Baron Munchausen!" " We are presenting a performance." " You're presenting a mockery!" "You present me as if I were a ridiculous fiction, a joke!" "What the devil's going on?" "Curtain!" "Get off!" "You're ruining the show!" "Do something." "I must talk with my audience." "Ladies and gentlemen..." "I must apologise for this dreadful occurrence." "I can assure you..." " Hello." " Hello." "Beautiful ladies." " Hello." " Beautiful ladies." " You have great taste, sir." " Otherwise, it's all quite wrong." " Listen, we've got a show to do..." " Good Lord!" "Berthold!" "Who's Berthold?" "How on earth...?" "It's marvellous to see you." "How are your legs?" "Where are the others?" "Albrecht!" "Adolphus!" "Gustavus!" "I can't believe it." "This is miraculous." " I'm Bill." " Is he still here?" "Get rid of him." " What is the matter?" " We'll start the second act afresh." " Who is this?" " Some old lunatic." " He is Baron Munchausen." " The real Baron Munchausen." "Yes, indeed." "Who, sir, may I ask, are you?" "A public servant." "I am responsible for the licensing of this theatre." "This is the Right Ordinary Horatio Jackson." "He happens to be winning the war and saving the city." "Please leave us!" "He's an ass!" "Only I can end this war." "I can end it because I began it." "I am the cause." "I'm afraid, sir, you have rather a weak grasp of reality." "Your reality, sir, is lies and balderdash." "I am delighted to say I have no grasp of it whatsoever!" " This man needs a doctor." " A doctor?" "We will continue with the show." "Thank you, Your Ordinariness." "Right, off." "Please, be reasonable." "If we don't get on with it, he will throw us to the Turks." "My Lords, ladies and gentlemen, Baron Munchausen at your service." "Found any noses recently?" "Give us a song!" "Most of you won't remember me or my adventures." "But I assure you, they are true." "The truth is, I am the cause of this siege." " What about the Turks then?" " This is a border dispute." " We're fighting for sea routes." " That was last time." "You poor, deluded fools." "If you'll do me the courtesy of accepting the word of a gentleman,..." " I will reveal the true cause of this war." "After my..." "Oh, dear..." "After my return from Egypt..." " I was most warmly welcomed by the Grand Turk." "His Highness the Sultan." "He knew of my reputation and held me in high esteem." "He was so delighted with my company..." " that he offered me access to his harem." "One day, he brought me a bottle of his favourite Tokay." " What do you think of that?" " Not bad." "My dear Munchausen, it's impossible to find better." "Humbug!" "I can procure for you, within the hour, a Tokay far superior to this..." " from the imperial cellar in Vienna, a mere 1,000 miles away." "Accept my challenge!" "If I don't succeed, you may cut off my head." " What are your stakes?" " I accept." "I wager as much treasure as the strongest man can carry." "Agreed!" "Give me pen and ink and I'll write to the Empress." "Berthold!" "Coming!" "Blast!" "Sorry chaps, I've got to go." "Take this to Vienna, to the Empress." "She will give you a bottle of wine." "Bring it straight to me." "Would you care for a little light entertainment while you wait?" "I composed a short opera." "Would you like to hear it?" "You'll love it." "It's a comedy." "It's called "The Torturer's Apprentice"." "Here's the overture." "The curtain..." "The curtain rises on a typical torture chamber." "Yosrick, the young apprentice, sings of his joy in his job." "A torturer's apprentice went his merry way to work one day" "I bend and stretch and ply my trade making people all afraid but business is slack there's no one on the rack but me." "Act four is set in an abattoir..." "I see a lot of slapstick." "We begin with the eunuch's chorus:" "Cut off in my prime." "Mein Herz, mein Herz." "Cut off in my prime surrounded by beautiful women a eunuch's life is hard..." " Excuse me a moment." " You won't want to miss this aria." "Life is rather like a game it's important that you win..." "Don't know." "If he's not here in 31/2 minutes, the Sultan will cut off my head." "Is that all?" "Sorry, I don't find that funny." "Do you?" " This isn't a joke, it's a wager." " A wager?" "He's asleep." "I can hear him snoring, about 900 miles away." "He's under a tree." "Near Belgrade." " There's a bottle beside him." " I hope he hasn't been at it." " What's the wind speed, Gus?" " Three knots." "I'm a modern man these days I find you have to be awfully cruel to be kind" "I'm a modern man you will agree it's either you or me." "Time's nearly up, I think." "Ready..." "Now!" " Not late, am I?" " No, not late, thank you very much." "Thanks, I needed a trim." " Much obliged." " From the Empress." "Delicious." "You win." "Treasurer, take from the treasury as much as the strongest man can carry." "Yep, that's it!" "Thanks, squire." " What is it?" " They've taken everything." " Gustavus." " Stop them!" " Bring them back!" " Gustavus!" "Again!" "Fire!" "Take cover, my friends!" "Regroup!" "And so, as you can see, the Sultan is still after my head." "Wait!" "Stop!" "Don't go." "Come back, there's more." "I haven't finished!" "Don't leave now." "Gustavus, Adolphus, Albrecht!" "We're about to make off with the Sultan's treasure." " Berthold!" " The name's Desmond!" "We're actors, not figments of your imagination." "Get a grip." "Come back!" "Come back!" "What is the Sultan playing at?" "It's Wednesday, isn't it?" "I'm terribly sorry about the show..." "This theatre is closed." "You and your company must leave the city." "But look at these endorsements." ""Mr. Salt's company holds a mirror up to nature." Vienna Clarion." ""Great value." Paris Echo." ""A good night out." Glasgow Herald." "Good boy... it's all right." "Here boy." "Are you all right?" " Am I dead?" " No." " Blast!" " Who are you really?" "Baron Munchausen isn't real." "He's only in stories." " Go away!" "I'm trying to die." " Why?" "Because I'm tired of the world." " And the world is tired of me." " But why?" "Why?" "Why?" "Why?" "Why?" "Because it's all logic and reason now." "Science." "Progress." "Laws of hydraulics." "Laws of social dynamics." "Laws of this, that and the other." "No place for a three-legged Cyclops from the South Seas." "No place for cucumber trees and oceans of wine." "No place for me!" "What happened in the story?" "In the Sultan's palace." "Did you escape?" "Were you killed?" "I don't know." "It was all a long time ago." " Who cares?" " I do." "I'm very tired..." " Goodbye." " Please tell me." " Go on." " Buzz off!" " Please." " You really want to know?" "Stop it!" "Stop it!" "We'll all be killed!" "Then we'll never know the end of the story." "Where are you going?" "Come back!" "Stop it!" "Wait!" "Come back!" "Take cover!" "Wretched child!" "Stop it!" "Get away!" "Stop it!" "Head down!" " You'll get us both killed." " I thought you wanted to die." "Yes, but I'm old enough." "Gentlemen, don't you think you should silence those enemy cannon?" " No, sir." " No?" " It's Wednesday." " Wednesday!" "The Turks are about to storm the walls." "You really are Baron Munchausen." "This is the end." "It's all over." "Generations of theatrical expertise snuffed out." "Sally?" "Get off!" "Sally, come here." "You cretinous, senile old fart!" "Thanks to you, we're to be thrown to the Turks." "But he is Baron Munchausen." "The real one!" " You must believe me." " Hurry!" "Honestly!" "He is." " Shut up!" " But he is... and he can save us." "Can't you?" "He jumped onto a cannon ball." "He really did." "He flew miles into the sky above the elephants and soldiers." " Stop lying!" " I'm not lying!" "Am I?" " As a matter of fact, you are." " But he did!" "The soldiers saw him, too." "They'll tell you." "Oh, they're dead." " But he did!" " No, I didn't." " Now you're lying." " I never lie." "Sally, stay here." "What's got into you?" "I didn't fly miles." "It was more like a mile and a half." "And I didn't precisely fly." "I merely held onto a mortar shell in the first instance..." " and then a cannon ball on the way back." "You maniac!" "You've done for us." "It doesn't matter now, the Turks are about to take the town." "I was just coming into my prime, between Romeo and King Lear." "My public will kill me for dying at a time like this." "Save us!" "Don't disappoint me." " You are a baron, aren't you?" " You're our only hope." " You are my only hope." " Ladies, please..." "As long as I,..." " Heronomous Carl Frederick Baron von Munchausen,..." " live and breathe, you shall come to no harm." "You so remind me of Catherine the Great,..." " whose hand in marriage I once declined." "They all remind you?" "Yes, why not?" "Bits here and bits there." "I have a plan!" "I will set forth immediately and find my extraordinary servants." "With their help, I'll raise the siege and save the town." " Brilliant, very good, bravo!" " How?" " I shall require your assistance." " Of course." " Just tell us what to do." " Kindly remove your knickers." "Look at all that underwear." "Isn't it beautiful?" "It's like a dream come true." "It's the dawning of the age of lovely, intimate things." "He'll kill himself." " Yeah, but it'd be well worth it." " Enough nattering." "Keep pumping." " Better report this." " You're right." "No..." "We need a very simple plan." "These are far too complicated." "The actors have an air balloon." "They're trying to escape." "Arrest them at once." " Throw them out of the town." " We can't open the gates, sir." " Throw them over the walls then." " Yes, sir." "Escaping, really!" "What would future generations think of us?" "Right, follow me." "Bring the ladder over here." "Baron!" " Have you seen Sally?" " No!" " Thank you, my dear." " Stop!" "You're under arrest!" "Let go!" "Let go!" "Take aim..." "Fire!" "I shall return with reinforcements." "Don't lose heart." "For all those ladies to whom I'm indebted for half a ton of linen:" "Don't catch cold!" "Au revoir." " Stay, Argus!" "I'll soon be back." " I will wait for you!" "Come back soon." "He won't get far on hot air and fantasy." "Blast!" "Hang on!" " Thanks." " Now you've ruined everything." "I'll have to douse the fires and let you down." " I'm going with you." " I absolutely and utterly refuse!" "If we go down now, we'll land on the church." " We've got to find your servants." " That is what I had in mind." " Where are we going?" " To the moon." "What?" "That'll take ages." " No, it won't." " Of course it will." " Why are we going there?" " That's where I last saw Berthold." " Have you ever been to the moon?" " No." "Interesting place." "The King and Queen are charming." "You know about their detachable heads, don't you?" "Their heads engage in intellectual pursuits away from the body." "The trouble is, heads and bodies don't always see eye to eye." " You do believe me, don't you?" " I'm doing my best." "Are you scared?" "Certainly not." " Are you?" " Certainly not." "Grab the rope!" "We're here." "You look different." "Younger." "I always feel rejuvenated by a touch of adventure." "Don't you get any younger, or we'll have to find a wet nurse." "You'll find that I'm one of the King's special favourites." "We shall receive a royal welcome." "Now what?" "I've got you, at last." " Bienvenuto alla luna." " Your Majesty!" "What a great pleasure to see you again." "May I introduce my friend Sally." "Sally, King of the Moon." "My full title is King of Everything." "Re di tutto." "You can call me Ray." "The moon is an insignificant part of my domain." "There's much more." "You seem to be in some discomfort." "What ails you?" "Nothing ails me." "Can you not see that I am at one with the cosmos?" "Is that all you can say?" "What are you, blind?" "Let me explain it:" "Since you were last here, my head,..." " where the brilliant parts are located,..." " is now ruling the known universe." "And what I don't know, I create." "I just created spring." "Seriously, without me there would be nothing." ""Cogito ergo es." I think, therefore you is." "He's a lunatic." "So it seems." "He's certainly fallen prey to delusions of grandeur." "Keeping in tune with the whole universe..." " requires much concentration." "So having you on the loose does not help." "Your stories distract me." "You are like a mosquito in the Taj Mahal." "My Liege, without my adventures, you wouldn't be here." "Well, so I am now part of your adventures?" "We shall see about that." "Now, who created who?" "I hope you'll be comfortable." "Ciao!" "There's my revolting body with the Queen!" "Stop it!" "I'm tired." "Go away!" "Damn it, he can't hear me." "You stinking, horrible man!" "It's so embarrassing." "Don't look, maybe he'll go away." "Imagine we were once attached." "We're totally incompatible." "He's dangling from the food chain and I am in the stars." "No, go away, I despise you!" "I'm back!" "I got lips again." "And I'm gonna use them, baby." "It's me, I'm your elephant of joy!" " Let me kiss you, baby." " Eat first, darling." "That's right!" "First eat then kiss!" "I need this stuff." "You can't do that when you don't got no mouth." "I'm back in business." "You don't go nowhere." " Baron!" " Your most Wondrous Majesty!" "I know you." "You're the little guy that tried to make off with my queen." "No more of that, piccolo Casanova." "What are you looking at?" "Here you go, lovebirds!" "I'm sure you'll be uncomfortable." "Free again, to concentrate on higher things." "Crawl back in the slime." "Missed me!" "I'm blind!" "My kingdom for a handkerchief!" "No, let me go!" "I haven't time for flatulence and orgasms." "Please, no more bodily functions." "Farewell, Baron." " "One of the King's favourites"?" " This cage isn't real." " It's part of the King's lunacy." " It seems solid enough to me." "I see we're in a not very helpful frame of mind." "The town is perfectly all right." " The assault is over." "They're safe." " How do you know?" "I just know." "What the devil..." "All right, I'm coming." "Come out of there." " Come out of there." " Ow!" "Stop that." " Why did you do that?" " I thought you might be unfriendly." "Of course I am!" "You'd be unfriendly, if I prodded you." "Who are you?" " I can't remember." " That'll be us, if we don't escape!" " Why are you here?" " I'm a very wicked criminal." " What have you done?" " I can't remember." " How do you know you're wicked?" " Well, for one thing..." "I'm in here." "And for another..." "I've got these shackles on." "Berthold!" "It's Berthold!" "It's me, the baron!" "I knew I'd find you." "You must come back to Earth and fight the Sultan." "You're Berthold, my old servant." "The leg irons are to slow you down." " You're joking." " You always wore them, remember?" " You're crackers!" " I'm Baron Munchausen." "We're wasting time!" " Darling Baron!" " Ariadne!" "I'm sorry we couldn't speak before,..." " but Roger's so difficult." "Where exactly is Roger?" "In bed with my body, of course." "Stop it!" "Stop it!" "If he discovers my head's with you..." "Quickly, climb into my hair." "Why's she making those funny noises?" "Her body's with the King, and he's tickling her feet." " Berthold, you're coming with us." " No chance!" " Why not?" "Are you frightened?" " That's it!" "Come on, help me." "Quickly, climb aboard." " Hold tight!" " I don't want to escape!" "I love this!" "I'll tickle you till dawn, darling." "I'll wipe everything away." "Tickly, tickly..." "I know you love this, but you don't say anything." "You're a pillow biter, that's it." "Baron, I must get back to Roger before he notices I'm headless." " I quite understand." " Darling, take me with you." " Back to Earth?" " Yes, oh yes!" "Without your body?" " I thought you loved me for myself!" " I did..." "I mean, I do." " It's just..." " We have to go!" "I think you're right." "It's impossible." "Take a lock of my hair." "Just a lock, Cocky!" "Not the whole carpet." " I shall treasure it always." " The King!" "I must go..." "Au revoir, my dear baron." "Yes!" "I'm coming, Roger!" "I'm going to drive you to China." "Let it out!" "My God!" "Where is your head?" "No wonder you're so quiet." "I'm too rough, I knocked it off." "I'll find it." "We'll play "Head and Seek"." "Oh, you play a trick?" "Darling, come out!" "You're not here." "Where are you?" "You're with the baron." "You are with that little man." "You told me size makes no difference." "You puttana!" "That's it!" "I'll find your baron, and then I'll kill you." "Faster!" "I'll make a baron brochette!" "Sybil, andiamo!" "Faster!" "We can't." "Berthold can hardly move." " Take his weights off." " I have!" " He's old." "He can't run anymore." " Nonsense, he's out of practice." "Come on, Berthold." "Look for him!" "Nowhere to hide for you, Baron." "What are you looking at?" "Look down there!" "There he is, Sybil!" "Down there!" "I've got you now, Baron." "There they are!" "Are you hungry, my darling?" "You take the baron, you the bald one,..." " and you take the little girl, because you're my favourite." "Dinner!" " You go this way, I'll go that way." " You're the last of your species." "No, don't split up on me now!" "Mayday!" "We're going down!" "Sybil, don't desert me now." "I'm free!" "I'm free at last." "The body is dead." "The body's dead, long live the head." "It's finished, finito!" "I shall prove a head does not need a body to survive." "I am omnipotent!" "Oh no, I've got an itch!" "Well done, Sally." "Baron Munchausen!" "How great to see you!" " Get off me!" " It's Berthold, your old servant." "Yes, we've been through all that." " Where are we?" " On the moon." " Oh yeah?" "Same old baron, eh?" " Can we go now?" "Get weaving!" "Hang on..." "It's all coming back." "I've been stuck here for 20 years." "Ever since you were last here." "You abandoned me here." "You swine!" "You went off with the Queen of Tarts and left me to rot in a cage." "Now you come back and expect me to follow you to the ends of the Earth?" "Yes." "Oh, all right." "Berthold, do you know where the rest of the gang are?" "Not a clue." "This is the sort of thing that no one ever believes." "Right, Berthold..." "You go first,..." " then Sally." "Careful." "Off you go." "That's it!" "Finito." "There's no more rope." " I'm coming back up." " Wait a moment." " Tie this to the end." " Where did you get this?" " I cut it from the top." " From the top?" "Where else do you think I'd get it?" "Yes, yes, yes..." "Splice it to the end so we may continue our descent." "Very clever!" "Great." "Why didn't I think of that?" "That's why he's a baron, and I'm a prole." "We'll never rescue them now!" "21/2 percent!" " That's not enough." " That's all I'm offering." "21/2 percent!" "Take it or leave it." "We want more!" "We want more!" "I'm still in one piece!" " I think..." " I can't imagine why." "Our descent into the volcano of Mt." "Etna..." " should have been slowed by a rising cushion of warm air." "The damn thing seems to have gone out." "Oh, no!" "Not more giants!" "Can I help you tiny mortals?" "I sincerely hope so." "I'm Baron Munchausen." "You may have heard of me." "We're looking for three men." "One with exceptional eyesight, one with superb hearing,..." " and one who's extremely large and strong." "Oh, we're all extremely large and strong here!" "I am Vulcan." "The god." "And these are my giant employees." "The Cyclops." "Who even now are going back to work!" "I supply arms and equipment to anyone who will pay the price." "Greeks, Trojans, Romans, Huns..." "It's not my fault they're crazy enough to slaughter each other." "You manky crew!" "Your go-slows don't impress me, I'm God!" "I have all the time in the universe." "Hear that?" "All the time, me!" "In the old days the staff got paid every 1,000 years." "This lot expects it every century." "It's outrageous!" " What's this?" " This is our prototype..." "RX intercontinental,..." " radar-sneaky, multi-warheaded, nuclear missile." "What does it do?" " It kills the enemy." " All the enemy?" "All of them." "All their wives, children, sheep, cats and dogs..." " All of them, gone for good." " That's horrible!" "Well, you see..." "The advantage is, you don't have to see one single one of them die." "You just sit comfortably, thousands of miles from the battlefield,..." " and simply press the button." "Where's the fun in that?" "We cater for all sorts here." "You'd be surprised..." "Would you care for a little fodder, perhaps?" "Delicious!" "It's not bad tea, as far as nectar of the gods goes." "You can stay as long as you like." "It's nice to have company for tea." "I'm sorry, but we have to go soon." "We're in a hurry!" "Here comes my midget manservant with the petits fours." " Albrecht!" " Baron!" "Berthold!" " What are you doing here?" " Looking for you." "I haven't got the treasure." "I spent... gave it to charity." "I don't want the treasure." "Albrecht, this is Sally." "I want you to come and fight the Turk." "No, I couldn't do that." "Not since I've found myself." "I didn't really want to be big and strong and carry things." "Now I know I want to be dainty and sensitive." "They call me the midget down here." "I love it." "He's gone funny." "Hello." "My darling... my dearest!" "Excuse me." "May I introduce Baron Munchausen,..." " and his little friend Sally, and Berthold." "And this is Venus." "The goddess." "My wife." "Madam, I am overwhelmed." "My love, my life." "Alpha and omega of my existence!" "I have something for you." "A diamond." "For you, my precious." "You're so sweet." "Another diamond." "Madam, I am alas unable to offer you so splendid a gift,..." " but may I say, your beauty excels even Catherine the Great,..." " whose hand in marriage I once had the honour of declining." " Baron, you flatter me." " Not one jot, madam!" "Not one tittle!" "What a handsome moustache." "Shall we... dance?" "Come and see the ballroom." "Come and see the ballroom." "Nice, isn't it?" "We've just had it done." "Do you know that?" "I can dance." "Here, watch this." " Sally, you can dance, can't you?" " No." "Thanks a lot." "Stop!" "Baron!" "Can we go now?" "Hello!" "Stop it!" "Come down!" "We've got to get back and save the town." " Please, Baron!" " Don't fret." "The town is safe." "The baron's kissing your wife." "I mean, what?" "You're a harlot!" "Whore!" "Do you hear?" "Whore, whore!" "That's enough, you strumpet." "No, wait, please..." " But, darling!" " Don't you "darling" me!" "Do something." "Save him!" " Darling, don't be jealous." " Jealous?" "I'm not jealous." "Give him back to me!" " You never let me have friends." " Don't wiggle at men, you floozy!" " Floozy?" " Sir, I must assure you..." " I'm a goddess!" "I can do as I like." " And I am the god, so shut up!" "Excuse me..." "Ungrateful mortal!" " You'll pay for this!" " I insist the lady is blameless." "Please, put the baron down." "He's always like that." " What have you done to them?" " You small-minded petty bourgeois!" " What have you done to the baron?" " You want the baron?" " You can have the baron!" " No thanks, it's okay..." "Did you enjoy that?" "Did I excite you?" "Oh, damn!" "I can't swim." "What's happening?" "You've got old again." "Well, I've just been expelled from bliss." "And it's your fault!" "Where are we?" "Answer me!" "The most probable explanation..." " is that we dropped through the world's centre to the South Seas." " That's miles away." " Oh, well done!" " I was happy in my volcano." " So was I." "An island!" " Is there a volcano on it?" " Shut up about your volcanoes!" "I think there is a volcano on it." "It's moving!" " I spy something starting with "M"." " It's a demon of the deep!" "That starts with "D", you klutz." ""M"...for monster!" " Will it eat us?" " With any luck." "Baron!" "Quick, give me a hand." " He looks dead to me." " He can't be dead." "He doesn't look very perky, does he?" "Is there a doctor in the fish?" "No doctors... no doctors." " We've got to get him warm and dry." " What's that noise?" "It's... music." "That's not music." "Look!" "There's a light." "Come on!" "This way... careful!" "Excuse me!" "We need some help." " We need some help." " No doctors!" "Do I hear the baron?" "Eh?" "Do I hear the baron?" " No doctors!" " Do I hear the baron?" "I just said that." "Use your trumpet!" "Adolphus." "Gustavus." "Is it really you?" " Baron!" "Berthold!" "Albrecht!" " I don't believe it." "This is Adolphus." "He could hit a bull's-eye halfway round the world." "This is Gustavus, who could blow over a forest with one breath." "Those were the days, eh?" "When we were young... and alive." " How do you mean?" " It's no good fighting it." " We're not dead." " You have to accept it." "We're all dead here." "This is Hell." " Heaven!" " Hell!" "Don't be stupid!" "Sit down, relax." "Have a game." "You're dead for a very long time." "What are you doing?" "You're giving up, aren't you?" " You can't, I won't let you!" " Go away, clear off." "What about Rose and Daisy, and my father and all the others?" " You promised to help them." " They are perfectly safe." "They can look after themselves." "Besides, there are more important things." "Such as?" "You horrible little brat!" "Can't you let me die in peace once in a while?" "Bucephalos!" "My Bucephalos." "You must have heard me shouting." " This is a good omen, what?" " Oh, yeah..." "Prepare a rowing boat." "Be ready to leave." "I have learned that a modicum of snuff can be most efficacious." "I'll never eat fish again." " Where's the baron?" " Baron?" "Baron, where are you?" "It's the baron." "Well, come on!" "I can't keep this up forever." "Look, the town!" "We're here." "Yes, and the flag's still flying." "I told you not to worry." "My God, it's the Sultan's army." "Quick, back in the fish!" "They're inviting us to defeat them." "We must oblige them." "On the count of three..." "Gustavus!" "Blow them back to Asia Minor." "Adolphus!" "Find the Sultan and shoot him." "Albrecht, row us ashore." "Berthold... make yourself useful." "You couldn't make that four?" "We're going down!" "Abandon ship!" "Abandon ship!" "I think the ship's abandoning us." "I still can't swim." "This is absolutely dreadful." "I've never been in such a rout." "I'm usually on the winning side." " You're too competitive." " Albrecht's useless." " We might as well give up." " You mustn't say that!" "Not you!" "If we attack from two directions, we confound surprise with confusion." "Albrecht and Gustavus will provide the major themes, while..." " Baron." " Don't interrupt." "What is it?" "This isn't going to work." "They're old and tired now." "It isn't like it used to be." "Don't you see?" " Where are you going?" " To give myself up." "I gave my word I would raise the siege and gathered you all here." "If you want to see Baron Munchausen again, do something about it!" "You can't give yourself up." "They might kill you." "And then we spent all that time in that smelly fish for nothing." "Agreed." "Friday 28th, you surrender." "That's three weeks from tomorrow." " We can fix the details later." " No, you surrender!" " We've discussed it." "You surrender." " But we're winning!" "We surrendered last time." "Now it's your turn." " What about the virgins?" " Forget them." "We're out of virgins." "Let us concentrate on reaching a civilised agreement..." " that can secure a world fit for science, progress..." "But not Baron Munchausen!" " You old lunatic!" " I'm afraid so." "Help, murder!" "Who let this man into my tent?" "If you are still interested in my head... it's yours." " I'm tired of it." " Send for the executioner!" "So, Mr. Jackson, still the rational man?" "How many people have perished in your logical little war?" "There are rules in life." "We cannot fly to the moon or defy death." "We must face facts, not folly." "You don't live in the real world..." " and so, you come to a very sticky end." " Have you any famous last words?" " Not yet." " "Not yet"?" "Is that famous?" " The man's a buffoon." "Executioner!" "Execute." "He did it!" "General, stop that man!" "I knew we could do it!" "All together now." "Well blown, Gustavus." " They're coming." " Come on, go on!" "Hurry!" "Berthold, run." "Make yourself useful!" "I can't do everything." "This way." "That's the way!" "Gently this time." "Gently!" "We did it!" "We did it!" "Look, they don't believe it." "We've won!" "We've won!" " Come back!" " We've won." "But of course." "Put me down!" "He's in the church tower." "There he is, shoot him!" "Bring a doctor!" "Quickly!" " Don't leave me, Baron." "Please!" " Get off him." "Give him some air." "Here is the doctor." " Take care of Sally." " No doctors..." "No doctors." "Get away!" "Leave him alone!" "Sally's having a fit." "Stop it!" "He's dead." "...that was only one of the many times I met my death." "An experience which I don't hesitate strongly to recommend." "And so, with the help of my inestimable servants,..." " I defeated the Turks and saved the day." "And from that time forth, everyone who had a talent for it..." " lived happily ever after." "Stop this nonsense at once!" "You are under arrest..." " for spreading ridiculous tales at a time of danger,..." " with the enemy at the gate." "Arrest him." "Open the gates." "I order you to arrest that man at once." "Am I not the elected representative?" " Arrest him!" " Open the gates." "This way!" " Come on." " Do not open the gates!" "The Turk is outside." "We will not surrender." "Open the gates." "Come on, dear ladies." "Forward the players!" " Do not open the gates." " Keep up." "Steady as you go." "Come back, I'm warning you!" "Do not open those gates." "Follow me!" " The gates will remain closed." " Open the gates." "Shoot anyone who disobeys my orders." "Hold your ground, hold your ground!" "Open the gates, dear friends, and let's seize the day." "Nothing destroys a man as ignorance and conformity." "Grasp the mantle!" "No, no, no!" "Quite wrong." "Open the gates!" "Shoot them!" "Shoot these people at once!" "So!" "It's treason, is it?" "Right, you're all under arrest." "All of you!" "Bucephalos." "My Bucephalos." "Beautiful ladies..." "Beautiful ladies..." "It wasn't just a story... was it?"