"Mum?" "Mum?" "Mum?" "Mum?" "Can I ask you something?" "Course you can." "I was wondering if you might help me to die?" "What?" "Help me call it a day." "I think you've had a bit too much Shiraz, Mum." "I went to see the consultant." "When?" "Today." "This morning." "There appears to have been a bit of movement." "What do you mean?" "Because the blood flows through the something-or-other Apparently it's found its way to my liver." "Also it..." "It turns out I might be a little shorter on time than we thought." "How short is shorter?" " I would have come with you, you know?" " I know." "You don't have to give me an answer now." "But I would appreciate it if you gave it some serious thought." " Oh, come on, Mum, don't be silly." " I'm not." " Hey, guess what?" " What?" "No, you've got to guess." "No." " Can you guess?" " No." "I bought a spliff off, er, someone in the pub." "Do you want to smoke it, get stoned like we used to, in the old days?" " I'm six months pregnant." " Nah, it's all right." " Are you joking?" " Nah, you can have a few, can't you?" "No." "Once in a while." "You're going to be the least responsible parent ever." "I'm also going to be the coolest, aren't I?" "Tony." "Makes me think of Tony Blair." "Horrible." "Erm, what about Graham?" " Bit World War II." " Yeah?" "Walter?" "Walter?" "I prefer Graham, I think." " Yeah?" " Thomas?" "Nah, too posh." "Barry?" " Yeah, let's go for that." " What's funny about Barry?" " I don't know." " I'm serious." "I like Barry." "I don't like Barry." "Er, Stuart?" " What's funny about Stuart?" " I don't know." "I've got a cousin called Stuart, you know that." " No, and he's lovely." " He is lovely, ain't he?" "Maybe we should call him Stuart, then." "Shaun?" "Mum's cancer's got worse." "You seem very calm." "Are you all right?" "I think so." "And you?" "Yes." "It's a lot to take in, isn't it?" "It is." "A little less so the second time." "But there were some positives." " Every cloud..." " There was the palliative care thing nurse, I thought was an interesting idea." " Mum?" " I could murder a pint of IPA." "Oh, you could at least pretend not to ignore the question." "Not to worry if you haven't the time." "I'm meant to be meeting Shaun." " Oh, never mind." " Well, you can come, too." "Not sure I've got the energy for going out." "Well, how about dinner, then, back at the house?" "I am perfectly capable of looking after myself." "At the moment you are, just about, but what happens..." "I'd rather wither away in peace than have to make endless small talk with..." "This isn't funny." "I wasn't suggesting it was." "The amount of pain you're going to end up in is going to be unbearable." "No-one's suggesting it's going to be easy, Pip." "But I won't be able to look after you." "And nor am I expecting you to." "No, well, actually by not receiving any treatment or accepting any help that is exactly what you are doing." "I think you know perfectly well there is an alternative." "All I'm asking you to think about is having someone drop in on you once or twice a week." "That's all it is." " That's all I want you to think about." " I understand all that." "I don't want to be driven insane with worry, Mum." "I don't wish to be dying." "But there we are." "If you could give them a ring, maybe delivery on Tuesday." " All right then." " I'd prefer it..." "Can I have some help, please?" " Yes, what's happened?" " I think he's been hit by a car." "OK." "And what's his name?" "Her name?" " Bob." " Bob." "OK." "Do you want to come with me and we'll..." "All right, darling." "We'll have a look." "All right?" "Where did it happen?" "Thank you." "Apparently they have black skin." "Their fur isn't white, it's transparent." "It just reflects the snow." "Mental." "You all right?" "Sorry, yeah, I'm fine, just a bit erm..." "I ought to go, really." " Sorry, what were you saying?" " Doesn't matter." " No, go on." " Just...polar bears." "I think you've forgotten the water, Mum." "It's actually surprisingly comfortable." "Is it?" "Well, let's have a go." "Budge up." "Yeah, it's great." "I spoke to someone." "A nurse." "I'm really sorry I shouted at you." "I mean it." "How was your day?" "Long." "I killed a cat." "Intentionally, I hope?" "It was in a pretty bad state." "I know the feeling." "You hungry?" "Not really." "I've brought sausages." "You ought to eat." "Shall we?" "If you insist." "Mum, you ought to at least take something for the pain." "I'm fine." "It's ridiculous!" "'Shaun Boddy Trees, Shaun speaking.'" " Hi, it's me." " 'Oh, hello.'" "Hello." "Um, could I ask you to pick up something for Mum on your way home?" "'Yeah, yeah, of course." "What do you want?" "'" "You know the guy in the pub that you bought the weed from?" "Could you get her a bag of weed?" "'Get her a bag of weed?" "'" " Yeah, we're going to try something. - 'OK." "And we might need you to roll it for us." " 'I can do that for you.'" " Thank you." " 'I'm intrigued.'" " Huh?" "'I'm intrigued.'" "All right." "Well, see you later." "See you later." "Thanks, Poops." "Bye." "All set." "What do you reckon?" "It's very soothing." "Good." "It's lovely and warm." "Mum!" "It feels nice." "Want some more?" " Why not?" " Yeah?" "You're getting there." "Ooh, it's nice." " I feel calm." " You feel calm." "How are you feeling?" "Bit sore." "Not high, then?" "Not any more, no." "I'm afraid it wore off a while ago." "Hey, what are you doing?" " I'm thinking a lot about Mum." " Yeah." "What to do." "I think I'd like to help." " Yeah, totally agree." " Do you?" "Yeah." "Of course." "I reckon we should just insist she gets a nurse." "I mean, she might fight it at first..." "It's not about the nurse, it's about the other thing." "I'd at least like to have a conversation about it." "There's no conversation to be had." "There's no version of events where killing your mum is the right thing to do." "You're being a bit melodramatic about it." "It's better to be melodramatic than naive." " Are you mad?" " OK, fine." "I'm just saying." "I'm just saying." "Fuck!" "Hello." "Police, please." "There's been a break-in at the Village Vets." "Mum?" "I've been thinking about your question." " I should never have mentioned it." " No, you should have." "It was inappropriate." "No, it wasn't." "I was just having a bit of a wobble, that's all." "Oh, Mum." "It's remarkably hard work this staying alive business." "The energy." " Oh, why don't we have another coffee?" " I'm fine." "Coffee for one, then." "Let me, I'll do it." "Mum..." "If you want me to help you I'll help you." "It's what I do, every other day of the week, you realise that?" "What?" "I don't think I could do it if I didn't think it was the right thing to do." "Listen, I..." "I get that." "I'm not saying that I don't." "It's just that This is completely different." "People die in all sorts of unnecessary protracted ways." "Yeah, they do." "You're right." "You're right." "And it's awful, it's fucking awful." "But sometimes you've just got to stop thinking about this." "I'm serious about that." "Yeah, absolutely." "Erm, no, that's fine, we'll see you then that's..." "OK." "Yes." "See you then." "No problem." "All right." "OK." "Bye-bye." "Bye-bye." " Hello." " Hi, Mum." "You look lovely." "Ooh, it's cold." "Hello." "I'll get my coat, OK?" "Here you are." "Ooh, lovely." " Cheers." " Cheers." "What?" "I'm looking at you." "Ok." "I'm looking forward to spending this evening with you." "Same." "Good." "Wow, Mum." " It's not too much?" " Oh, you look amazing." "Oh, I love this song." "Shame about the rain." " Will you be all right getting home?" " I will." "Can I give you some money for a taxi?" "No, Mum." "You don't need to give me any money." " You'll get soaked." " I'll be fine." "OK, sorry." "But if you change your mind there's 40 pounds in my handbag and another 20 in the jar in the toilet next door." "Ok." "So, you drink half of that and then some of this and then the rest of that." "Don't drink it all in one go cos it's too strong." "I understand." "Thank you." "Can I have a hug, please?" "I'm sorry I couldn't help you more, Mum." "Nonsense." "If it hadn't been for you, I wouldn't have made it this far." "You're going to be a wonderful mother." "All I ask is that you and Shaun opt for a sensible name and none of this Bruno nonsense." "Oh, hush now." "Hush now." "I'm sorry." "You did what?" "You fucking helped her?" "No, it's OK." "Is it?" "It's OK, is it?" " I spoke to the police." " You spoke to the police?" "I told them that we often met for lunch at the surgery and she must have taken it herself because the lock on the cabinet was broken because of the break-in." "How long did it take?" "Not long." "Was she all right?" "Yeah, she was." "And you were with her, you, like, you waited?" "Were you there?" "Did she say anything?" "She said, "Thank you."" "Oh, sweetheart." "Brian?" "What's funny about Brian?" "Brian the snail." " Alvin?" " Stardust." " Or chipmunk." " I like the '70s names." "I like Ziggy Stardust." " I quite like Ziggy." " Yeah." " Maybe not." " Bit glam rock, though, isn't it?" " Gordon?" " Gordon Brown." "What about..." "Arthur?" " What?" " Arthur." " That was my dad's name." " Yeah, I know." " What do you think?" " Yeah, I like it." " Yeah, OK." "Arthur." " Arthur." "Aren't you clever?" "Oh, he likes it." "He's got hiccups."