"MIKE, YOU HAVE TO PLACE THE TINSEL" "CAREFULLY ON THE BRANCH," "ONE STRAND AT A TIME." "ALL RIGHT." "SORRY." "YOU'RE RIGHT." "I'LL DO BETTER." "THIS IS A REALLY NICE TREE, MIKE." "ISN'T IT?" "I WAS UPSTATE ON THE WEEKEND." "I WAS MEANDERING THROUGH THE WOODS." "I SAW THIS BACKLIT" "BY THE SUNSET, AND I SAID, "WHAT A BEAUTIFUL PIECE OF NATURE."" "SO I HACKED IT DOWN AND BROUGHT IT IN HERE." "WELL, I DON'T THINK YOU KILLED IT, 'CAUSE IT'S STILL MOVING." "PAUL, YOU WANNA HOLD IT STEADY?" "I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY SOMEBODY CAN'T RUN OUT AND GET A STAND FOR THIS TREE!" "MIKE, I WAS HOPING THAT WE COULD PUT THIS ON TOP OF THE TREE." "IT WOULD REALLY MEAN A LOT TO ME." "I MADE IT WHEN I WAS A BOY." "WOW, STUART, AN ANGEL." "AN ANATOMICALLY CORRECT ANGEL." "YOU HAVE YOUR CONCEPT OF HEAVEN, I HAVE MINE." "Paul:" "I SAY WE HAVE A BIG BLOW-OUT OF A CHRISTMAS PARTY THIS YEAR." "I'M WITH THE TREE." "STACY, YOU WANNA GET ON THAT?" "OH, I CAN'T DO IT MIKE, AND I WON'T." "MAYBE I WASN'T CLEAR WHEN I HIRED YOU." "AS MY ASSISTANT," "OCCASIONALLY, YOU MAY NEED TO ASSIST ME." "IF I DO THIS SOMETHING BAD'S GONNA HAPPEN." "AS LONG NO ONE GETS DRUNK AND SINGS THE LITTLE DRUMMER BOY." "I HATE THAT SONG." "(HUMMING)" "¶ PA-RUM-PA-PUM-PUM ¶" "(BOTH) ¶ I AM A POOR BOY, TOO ¶" "¶ PA-RUM-PA-PUM-PUM ¶" "(ALL) ¶ I HAVE NO GIFTS TO BRING ¶" "¶ PA-RUM-PA-PUM-PUM ¶" "(LOUDER) ¶ TO LAY BEFORE THE KING ¶" "¶ PA-RUM-PA-PUM-PUM ¶" "¶ RUM-PA-PUM-PUM RUM-PA-PUM-PUM... ¶" "O.K. THAT'S ENOUGH." "Paul:" "¶ ME AND MY DRUM ¶" "MR. MAYOR." "YEAH?" "THIS IS, UH, THIS IS JUSTIN FALBY." "HE'S THE STATE SPELLING BEE CHAMPION." "MIKE, UH, KIDS MAKE ME A LITTLE, UH, N-E-R-V-O-U-S." "THIS IS JUSTIN FALBY, THE STATE SPELLING BEE CHAMPION." "OH!" "WELL, IN THAT CASE..." "C-O-N GRATULATIONS!" "AND SO TO SUM UP, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN," "I DON'T KNOW." "ALWAYS LOVE WATCHING YOU WORK, PAUL." "WE'LL TAKE IT FROM HERE." "UH, BEFORE WE INTRODUCE THE MAYOR'S SPECIAL GUEST," "WE HAVE ONE PIECE OF CHRISTMAS BUSINESS." "THERE WAS A MIX-UP AT THE PRINTER'S." "THE CITY HALL CHRISTMAS CARD" "SHOULD READ "HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM THE MAYOR AND HIS STAFF,"" "NOT "IT'S A BOY." "STEVEN AND MARCIA FINGERMAN."" "HAVING SAID THAT..." "WAY TO GO FINGERMANS." "HAS THE MAYOR ASKED SANTA CLAUS" "FOR ANYTHING SPECIAL THIS CHRISTMAS?" "HAPPINESS AND PROSPERITY FOR ALL NEW YORKERS." "AND A PING-PONG TABLE." "FOR THE YOUTH CENTER." "NO, FOR THE MANSION." "WE'LL GIVE MY OLD GAMING TABLE TO THE YOUTH CENTER." "WE KNOW HOW THOSE INNER-CITY KIDS LOVE TO PLAY BACCARAT." "CHRISTMAS AND KIDS." "HMM?" "I REMEMBER WHEN I FIRST FOUND OUT THAT THERE WAS NO SANTA CLAUS." "OH!" "Michael:" "UH..." "OH, WELL, SIR, HOW-- HOW CAN THERE, UH..." "HOW CAN THERE BE NO SANTA CLAUS?" "I DON'T KNOW, MIKE." "APPARENTLY, ADULTS JUST MADE HIM UP." "OH." "WHAT YOU GOT THERE?" "IT'S A CHRISTMAS CARE PACKAGE FROM MY FOLKS." "THEY SENT IT 'CAUSE I CAN'T AFFORD TO GO HOME THIS YEAR," "WHAT WITH THE AIRFARE AND THE HOTEL ROOM." "WHY WOULD YOU NEED A HOTEL ROOM?" "EVER SINCE I MOVED OUT, MY PARENTS HAVE USED MY ROOM TO SMOKE MEAT." "(JINGLING)" "UGH!" "WHAT IS THAT STENCH?" "UGH!" "VENISON." "HOW COOL IS THIS?" "YOUR MOTHER KNOWS YOU'RE A GUY, RIGHT?" "ALL RIGHT, EVERYONE IN MY OFFICE." "WE HAVE A LITTLE SANTA SITUATION." "HEY, I RECOGNIZE THAT SWEATER." "THAT'S FROM THE "I'M PROUD I'M NOT HAVING SEX" CATALOG." "THERE'S MORE." "EVERY YEAR MY MOM MAKES A WHOLE NATIVITY SCENE OUT OF CANDY." "CHOCOLATE JESUS." "JAMES, PLEASE." "AT WORK, JUST CALL ME CARTER." "IN FAIRNESS TO JUSTIN, HE'S NOT JUST CRYING ABOUT SANTA." "AFTER THE PRESS CONFERENCE, THE MAYOR ACCIDENTALLY BROKE HIS SPELLING BEE TROPHY." "WHY DON'T YOU JUST GIVE HIM THAT STUPID "WORLD'S GREATEST BOSS TROPHY" ON YOUR DESK?" "WELL, BECAUSE, CARTER..." "HE'S NOT THE WORLD'S GREATEST BOSS." "I'M THE WORLD'S GREATEST BOSS." "I DID IT." "I SET UP ANOTHER PRESS CONFERENCE BETWEEN THE MAYOR AND JUSTIN." "IS THIS WHERE THE MAYOR TELLS HIM HE'S ADOPTED?" "THERE'S ONLY ONE GUY WHO CAN FIX THIS." "SANTA CLAUS?" "NO, THE WORLD'S GREATEST BOSS." "WE'LL BRING JUSTIN BACK IN," "AND WE'LL PAY HIM A VISIT WITH ONE OF THE CITY HALL SANTAS." "MIKE, YOU LET THEM GO WHEN YOU CUT THE HOLIDAY BUDGET." "CAN'T BELIEVE YOU FIRED ALL THE SANTAS, MIKE." "AND AT CHRISTMAS." "WELL..." "WHEN ELSE CAN YOU FIRE 'EM, JAMES?" "I MEAN, YOU FIRE 'EM IN THE SUMMERTIME," "THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW ABOUT IT." "STUART!" "YOU'RE EATING ONE OF THE WISE MEN." "IF HE'S SO WISE..." "WHY IS HE SO CHOCOLATEY DELICIOUS?" "HEY, EVERYBODY." "(JINGLING)" "WHERE'S THE THIRD WISE MAN?" "HE WENT DOWN TO THE 7-ELEVEN TO PICK UP A SIX-PACK OF MYRRH." "NO ONE LEAVES HERE UNTIL I FIND OUT WHO ATE KING NEBUCHADNEZZAR." "JAMES, JUST REPLACE HIM WITH A KITKAT AND GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE." "YOU WAIT UNTIL THERE'S SOMETHING IMPORTANT TO YOU, AND I..." "EAT IT!" "I'M NOT BEING SUPERSTITIOUS." "EVERY TIME I THROW A CHRISTMAS PARTY..." "SOMEONE DIES." "I GUESS EVERY FAMILY HAS THEIR TRADITIONS." "6 PARTIES, 6 DEAD RELATIVES." "YOU JUST NOW DECIDED TO QUIT THROWING PARTIES?" "WE STARTED KNOCKING OFF THE ONES I LIKE." "YOU LET ALL THE CITY HALL SANTAS GO," "AND NOW WE'RE SUPPOSED TO COME TO YOUR RESCUE?" "WELL, HO HO HO." "LOOK, IT'S PRETTY OBVIOUS YOU GUYS GOT US BY THE, UH JINGLE BELLS." "LET ME JUST TAKE A LOOK AT THOSE DEMANDS." "O.K." "YOU WANT A, UH, 10% RAISE, FULL DENTAL..." "WAIT A MINUTE." "YOU DON'T WANT TO WORK HOLIDAYS?" "WE'RE WILLING TO LET THAT ONE GO." "MOST OF THIS IS NEGOTIABLE." "RIGHT NOW, AS A GOOD FAITH GESTURE," "I JUST NEED ONE OF YOU TO COME WITH ME TO THE PRESS ROOM." "O.K.?" "I SEEM TO HAVE MISPLACED MY SANTA-TO-ENGLISH PHRASE BOOK, SO..." "ON PRANCER, ON DANCER, ON... (SNIFFS)" "SCOTCHIE." "WE ALSO WANT A 10-MINUTE BREAK EVERY HOUR FOR SMOKING." "AND DRINKING." "SHUT UP, JERRY." "GIVE ME THE OUTFIT." "I'LL BE BACK." "YOU WANT THIS OUTFIT?" "YOU WANT IT?" "YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO TAKE IT OFF OF ME." "O.K, I'M SURE THAT LINE WORKS WITH MRS. CLAUS." "I JUST WANNA, YOU KNOW, HELP OUT A LITTLE KID." "WAIT." "ARE YOU DISRESPECTING MY LADY?" "HANDS OFF, TUBBY." "WHY, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT?" "I'M..." "I'M WARNING YOU, STOP." "YEAH." "HEY, GUYS, THE LITTLE DRUMMER BOY WANTS ME TO STOP." "All:" "HO HO HO HO HO." "ALL RIGHT." "YOU KNOW WHAT?" "IT'S TIME TO GET NAUGHTY." "YOU SEE, I WAS WRONG, JUSTIN." "THERE REALLY IS A SANTA CLAUS." "AND MAYBE..." "JUST MAYBE..." "HE'LL MAKE A SPECIAL STOP ALL THE WAY FROM THE NORTH POLE!" "(CHUCKLES)" "(LOUDER) AND MAYBE..." "JUST MAYBE..." "HE'LL MAKE A SPECIAL STOP ALL THE WAY FROM THE NORTH POLE!" "PAUL..." "(MUFFLED) DO SOMETHING!" "JUSTIN, SANTA'S GONNA BE A LITTLE LATE," "BUT I SPOKE TO HIM, AND HE TOLD ME TO GIVE YOU THIS, UM..." "UH, THIS--THIS SUBWAY TOKEN." "GONNA NEED THAT BACK." "HO HO HO." "MERRY CHRISTMAS." "SANTA WAS JUST IN A LITTLE..." "SLEIGH WRECK ON THE WAY OVER." "NOW, WHAT'S THIS I HEAR ABOUT YOU NOT BELIEVING IN ME, HUH?" "AAHH!" "CAN'T BELIEVE THIS HAS GOTTEN SO OUT OF HAND." "I CAN'T BELIEVE SANTA BIT ME." "I SAY WE JUST CUT OUR LOSSES AND FORGET ABOUT LITTLE JUSTIN." "JUST FORGET ABOUT LITTLE JUSTIN?" "WELL, I DON'T THINK SO." "HE'LL BE FINE." "KIDS BLOCK OUT THESE CHILDHOOD TRAUMAS." "I DID." "LIKE THAT TIME JIMMY OWENS PULLED DOWN MY PANTS IN FRONT OF" "OH, GOD!" "OH, IT'S FLOODING ALL BACK!" "YEAH, HE'LL BE O.K. HE'LL GO TO SCHOOL." "HE'LL DO WELL, AND HE'LL MAYBE..." "GROW UP TO BE THE YOUNGEST DEPUTY MAYOR IN THE HISTORY OF NEW YORK CITY." "HE'LL SEEM O.K., YOU KNOW, WITH..." "A WINNING SMILE AND BABY BLUE EYES..." "FANCY DESIGNER TIES WITH THE LITTLE CHECKIE THINGS ON THEM." "BUT TRUST ME, THERE WILL BE A HOLE IN HIS LIFE..." "THAT WILL NEVER BE FILLED." "HOW DO YOU KNOW SO MUCH ABOUT THIS KID?" "WHAT'S NEXT, MIKE?" "YOU GONNA DRIVE A CANDY CANE" "THROUGH SANTA'S HEART DURING HALFTIME AT THE SUPER BOWL?" "I'M GONNA DO WHATEVER IT TAKES" "TO MAKE SURE THAT JUSTIN BELIEVES IN SANTA AGAIN." "LOOK, WE'RE POLITICIANS." "WE..." "WE SPEND ALL OUR TIME DOING DAMAGE CONTROL." "YOU KNOW, PROTECTING OUR GUY," "DEFLECTING PROBLEMS UNTIL THE NEXT ONE COMES UP." "WELL, TODAY--TODAY WE CAN SOLVE A PROBLEM THAT WE DON'T HAVE TO." "MIKE, THAT'S BEAUTIFUL." "AND IF THINGS DON'T WORK OUT FOR YOU HERE," "I HEARD THERE'S AN OPENING FOR DEPUTY MAYOR OF CANDYLAND." "STUART?" "DAMN." "YOU CAUGHT ME." "DO YOU NOT HAVE AN OUNCE OF CHRISTMAS SPIRIT IN YOU?" "WELL, JOSEPH WAS ABOUT 3 OUNCES, SO..." "YES." "YOU THREE JUST COME BACK FROM LUNCH?" "SO, WHAT'D YOU HAVE?" "LITTLE COTTAGE CHEESE, MAYBE A LITTLE FRUIT?" "STEAMED VEGETABLES." "MM-MMM!" "BET YOU DIDN'T ANY DESSERT." "OH, DEAR." "IT'S SO SOFT AND CREAMY..." "THAT JUST HOLDING IT IN MY HANDS FOR A MOMENT," "IT MELTED ALL..." "OVER..." "MY..." "(WHISPERING) FINGERS." "(SUCKING)" "OH, GOD, GIMME A GOAT!" "HANDS OFF!" "I'VE BEEN EYEING THAT GOAT ALL DAY." "I WANT THE ROOF." "HA-HA!" "YOU ARE ALL WEAK!" "VERY WEAK, AND I LOVE YOU FOR IT!" "WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR HANDS?" "(MUFFLED) SHEPHERD." "Paul:" "JUST ANCHOR YOUR HANDS AND FEET..." "AND MOVE ONE LIMB AT A TIME," "AND WE SHOULD BE SAFE." "Michael:" "WHOA, CAREFUL." "PRETTY STEEP UP HERE." "COULD BE DANGEROUS." "WHY CAN'T CARTER BE SANTA?" "GOOD, PAUL." "SURPRISE VISIT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT" "FROM A DISGUISED BLACK MAN-- WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?" "COME ON, PAUL." "YOU AGREED TO DO THIS." "YOU TRICKED ME." "YOU SAID WE WERE GOING OUT FOR DRINKS." "MAYBE JUSTIN'S MOTHER'S GONNA HAVE A CUP OF EGGNOG FOR YOU." "EGGNOG GIVES ME MUCUS." "PAUL, EGGNOG IS MUCUS." "COME ON." "GET IN THE HOLE." "LET'S GO." "(WHIMPERING) (GROANING)" "HEY, HEY!" "DON'T PUSH THE MAN." "THANK YOU." "AT LEAST ONE OF YOU IS CONCERNED WITH MY SAFETY." "DON'T FLATTER YOURSELF, PAUL." "I'M TETHERED TO YOU." "WE ARE HERE TO SHOW A YOUNG CHILD" "THE TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS-- PEACE, LOVE, JOY." "NOW, IF YOU DON'T GET INTO THE SPIRIT OF THIS," "I'M GONNA LAUNCH YOU OFF THIS ROOF LIKE A LAWN DART!" "I GO, HE GOES." "Carter:" "OH, GOD." "YEAH, WELL..." "CARTER UNDERSTOOD THE RISKS WHEN HE TOOK THIS MISSION." "YOU TOLD ME WE WERE GOING OUT FOR DRINKS!" "I'M GONNA GO DOWN AND PSYCHE JUSTIN UP." "YOU LOWER HIM HALFWAY DOWN-- I GIVE YOU THE SIGNAL." "O.K., PAUL, YOU'RE UP." "I MEAN YOU'RE DOWN." "ALL RIGHT." "FIRE IN THE HOLE." "WHAT?" "WHAT?" "DIVE, KRINGLE." "MIKE, BE CAREFUL." "IT MISTED HERE EARLIER." "THIS WHOLE ROOF COULD BE CRAWLING WITH BLACK ICE." "IF THERE WERE, DON'T YOU THINK I WOULD HAVE STEPPED IN IT BY NOW?" "WHOA!" "UNDER CONTROL." "EXCUSE ME." "I'M FROM THE UNION," "AND I'M LOOKING FOR MIKE FLAHERTY." "YEAH, AND I'M STILL LOOKING FOR MY CABBAGE PATCH DOLL FROM CHRISTMAS '85, SO TAKE A SEAT!" "FINE." "HEY, NIKKI, I AM SWAMPED OVER HERE." "COULD YOU DO ME A FAVOR AND GO GET STUFF FOR THE PARTY?" "SURE." "WHAT DO YOU NEED?" "LIQUOR, CHIPS, DIP?" "I WAS THINKING MORE ALONG THE LINES OF A FIRST-AID KIT AND A PRIEST." "YOU'RE STILL STUCK ON THIS DEATH THING?" "PLEASE." "I LOVE YOU GUYS." "DON'T GO TO THIS PARTY." "IT'S GONNA BE TOO DANGEROUS." "WHAT WAS THAT?" "NOTHING." "I'LL SEE YOU TONIGHT." "I HEARD A RUMOR" "THAT SANTA CLAUS WAS COMING TO YOUR HOUSE." "IS HE GOING TO BEAT YOU UP AGAIN?" "THAT WASN'T THE REAL SANTA." "THE REAL SANTA DOESN'T FIGHT LIKE A GIRL." "SO, WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR CHRISTMAS?" "A BUNSEN BURNER, SOME MATCHES..." "HEY, CARTER." "I'M NOT MOVING." "THROW DOWN SOME MORE SLACK." "...CANDLES AND A COUPLE OF ZIPPOS." "JUSTIN'S TAKEN A REAL INTEREST" "IN EXPERIMENTING WITH FIRE." "WELL, YOU MUST BE SO PROUD, AND..." "SO TERRIFIED AT THE SAME TIME." "NO, THANK YOU." "BUT MY LIST DOESN'T MATTER ANYWAY, BECAUSE THERE IS NO SANTA CLAUS." "OH, REALLY?" "THEN-- THEN WHY DO I HEAR" "REINDEER HOOVES ON THE ROOF?" "CARTER!" "REINDEER SOUNDS." "(MOOING)" "NOT REIN-COW!" "JUST STAMP YOUR FEET OR SOMETHING," "AND WATCH OUT FOR THE BLACK ICE." "(STAMPING)" "AAAAAAGGHH!" "WHAT'S THAT?" "UH, THAT, UH--UM, HIM?" "THE, UH, THE--THE MAN DANGLING OUTSIDE YOUR WINDOW?" "THAT'S, UH, THAT'S-- THAT'S NOTHING." "SANTA?" "HO HO HO!" "YEAH, MIKE?" " WHAT'S THE DEAL, SANTA?" " HO HO HO, MIKE!" "HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA." "I'M STUCK!" "STACY, IS THERE A FORK AROUND FOR THIS PUMPKIN PIE?" "A FORK?" "DO YOU KNOW HOW DANGEROUS A FORK IS?" "YOU MIGHT AS WELL EAT IT WITH A GUN." "USE YOUR HANDS." "JAMES, COME ON." "JOIN THE PARTY." "YOU'VE ALREADY STRIP-MINED MY NATIVITY SCENE." "ALL THAT'S LEFT IS THE BABY JESUS." "SOMEONE HAS TO GUARD HIM." "WE SHOULD DO THIS NOW." "DO WHAT YOU WILL TO ME." "YOU WILL NEVER GET THE BABY!" "RELAX, JAMES." "WE ALL CHIPPED IN AND GOT YOU THIS." "A TICKET HOME!" "THANK YOU, GUYS!" "I FEEL REALLY BAD FOR NOT TRUSTING YOU." "I THOUGHT ONE OF YOU WOULD TRY TO EAT THE BABY JESUS," "SO I REPLACED HIM WITH A HUNK OF CERAMIC... (GROANS)" "(GROANS)" "SO STUART'S THE ONE THAT'S GONNA CROAK." "DIDN'T SOMEBODY FROM THIS OFFICE TAKE THAT C.P.R. CLASS?" "(HIGH-PITCHED) IT WAS ME!" "(GRUNTING) PHOO!" "(GROANS)" "YOU CAN LET GO OF ME NOW." "YOU'RE WELCOME." "AND YOU--I HOPE YOU'VE LEARNED A LESSON." "YOU'RE TOO SMART TO LET SILLY SUPERSTITION RULE YOUR LIFE." "CHRISTMAS IS ALL ABOUT CELEBRATING A BIRTH, NOT FEARING DEATH." "AM I RIGHT, SANTA?" "WELL, THAT'S IRONIC." "Crowd: 5, 4, 3, 2," "1!" "(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)" "IN JUST A MINUTE, JUSTIN, I'M GONNA READ THIS STORY TO THE CITY," "BECAUSE I THINK IT'S IMPORTANT THAT ALL THE CHILDREN OUT THERE" "BELIEVE..." ""IN THE MAGIC OF SATAN."" "THAT'S, UH, THAT'S SANTA." "TYPO." "I BELIEVE IN SANTA, JUSTIN." "WHO DO YOU THINK GOT ME THESE FINE CUBAN CIGARS?" "UH, SIR, I--I DON'T THINK SANTA" "CLEARED THOSE CIGARS WITH CUSTOMS, SO..." "I DON'T THINK HE INTENDED FOR YOU TO SMOKE THEM AT A PUBLIC SPEECH." "OH." "(CHOIR SINGING DECK THE HALLS)" "¶ FA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA ¶" "THE TREE WENT UP LIKE A TORCH." "BY THE TIME THIS MYSTERIOUS 3-ALARM BLAZE WAS PUT OUT," "THIS..." "WAS ALL THAT REMAINED." "IT'S JUST WHAT I WANTED FOR CHRISTMAS." "A BIG FIRE!" "AND SANTA..." "KNEW THAT." "CAN I GET ANOTHER ONE?" "JUSTIN, CAN YOU SPELL "PYROMANIAC"?" "THAT'S THE WORD I WON THE CHAMPIONSHIP ON." "SO, DO YOU BELIEVE IN SANTA NOW?" "I DO!" "I KNOW THERE'S A SANTA!" "AND NOTHING CAN EVER CHANGE MY MIND." "MERRY CHRISTMAS." "YOU KNOW, I'M A LITTLE CLAUSTROPHOBIC AND EVERYTHING, AND IT'S UNUSUALLY DARK IN HERE!" "HO HO HO HO!" "BUT I FIGURE WITH ALL THE RESCUE PEOPLE AND EVERYTHING RUNNING AROUND," "THAT I'LL BE LIKE A NATIONAL HERO." "RIGHT?" "LIKE--LIKE BABY JESSICA?" "GUYS?" "GUYS?" "HELLO?" "IS ANYBODY OUT THERE?" "GUYS?" "HA HA OH..." "OH, GOD." "ARE--ARE THE WALLS CLOSING IN HERE?" "OH HO HO HO..." "OH HO HO HO HO HO..." "Man:" "SIT, UBU, SIT." "GOOD DOG." "(BARKING)" "MOO."