" Hey, Dad." " Hi, Mikey." " Good to see you." " Good seeing you, too." " Oh, Dad?" " Oh...so close." "Don't forget Valentine's Day is coming up." "How dare you?" "!" "As if I would forget such a special day, Mikey!" "Just looking out for Mum." "Hey, your mother will be very happy when 2 7th February rolls along." "It's the 1 4th." "It's the..." "I knew that." "I'm gonna get your mother the perfect card, Mikey." "The perfect card that says how much I love and cherish her and how much I would do anything for her..." "Would you pick up one for me?" "Wow, £2 (!" ")" "Yep, bring the change back later." " Hey, Janey." " Mmm..." "You all right?" "Yeah, I've just done three double shifts back to back, and I've got another one tonight." "Ah, well, here... try this Tiger Fuel stuff." "It's an energy drink." "It got me through my exams." "Michael, I'm a working mother, this is just what we do." "We have in-built reserves of energy that you men can only dream of." "It's got taurine, caffeine, B vitamins, glucose and sucrose." "Susan, have we got any of that cream left?" " My itch is back." " Ben..." "I tell you, it's like bonfire night down here." " Ben..." " I was this close to going after it with a scaler today." "Oh, hello." "Good evening." "This is Martin from across the road." "Nice to see you again, Ben." "I've never met the guy." "Yes, you have." " His wife's funeral." "Margaret?" " (MOUTHS)" "St David's church?" "The Bishop of York gave the eulogy." "At the wake they had a four-cheese quiche." "Yep, got the guy." "Well, he's retired now and he's bored." "So he's filling his days doing odd jobs." "We can't afford him." "He's doing it for free, out of the kindness of his heart." "You wouldn't understand." "Well, that should do it." "Broken drawer fixed." "Oh, thank you so much." "It's nice to have a man around the house." "Oh, well, I'm sure Ben can do a fine job himself." "No, no, no." "No, it's very nice to have a free man around the house." "Just give me a ring if there's anything else you need doing." "Oh, you've done so much already." "Well, staying busy does help to keep my spirits up, you know." "Well, we're here to help in any way we can." "That's what good neighbours do." "You know, we support each other during the difficult times." "Matter of fact, I don't know whether you noticed, but our front fence needs painting..." " Oh, I'll get my stuff." " Good, good." "Two coats should do it." "Ben!" " (WHIRRING BUZZ)" " What is that noise?" "It's Martin." "He was feeling a bit down yesterday, so I offered to let him trim our conifers." "You're quite the Samaritan(!" ")" "You can't keep taking, Susan." "You can't keep taking." "It feels good to give back." "Well, I hope he's being careful." "I don't want him hurting himself." "I should hope not." "I mean, that chimney's not going to re-point itself." "Oh!" "What?" "You remembered." "Oh, they've arrived!" "That's...that's...good." "Oh, this is a little saucy." "That's a little saucy..." "Whoa, it is..." "Mmm." "Mmm." "Oh, God." "Get a room." "OK." "We'll use the one you supposedly moved out of." "I'd better put these in water." "Mmm...whoo...hmm." "Hm-hm, whoa..." " What part of £2 didn't you understand?" "!" " What are you talking about?" "And what's with the saucy card to your mother, you little sicko?" "I didn't get her anything." "Well, who sent that?" "Urgh!" "Not me!" "Obviously Mum has a secret admirer." "You'd better tell her." "Yeah." "Um..." "Let's make it an early night tonight, shall we?" "Mm-hm." "Whoo..." "Mmm..." "We won't bother her now." "We'll tell her in the morning." "So you're not worried Mum has a secret admirer?" "He has access to the house." "This is creepy." " Hmm?" " This guy could be dangerous." "Nobody has access to the house, and where's the danger?" "Anything else you need cut down?" "Oh, hi, Ben." "Um, I'm sorry that I didn't get round to the gutters." "The doctor told me I should rest in the afternoon." "Don't worry." "They'll still be full in the morning." "I just popped round to say thank you for all your hard work." "Really appreciate it." " No problem." " Oh, another thing - very small thing - um, did you send my wife a really explicit Valentine's card?" "Guilty as charged." "I'm sorry if I crossed the line, but Susan has been so kind and supportive since my wife died." "I guess I just got carried away." "Well, it was a bit much, you understand, what with the flowers and the chocolates." " I apologise." "It won't happen again." " Good." "I'd be happy to go over right now and tell her it was me who sent them." "No, no, no!" "No, no, no." "No, it's fine." "You just get yourself fighting fit for those gutters in the morning." "Say...7 am?" " I'll be there." " Good." "Don't ring the bell." "Just start." "Bye!" "(WHISTLES)" "Hi, Dad, can't stop, got to get Kenzo." "Ooh, before I forget, your garage called." "The car's ready." "They've done a full service including oil, air and pollen filters." "Apparently your brakes needed relining, the ignition timing belt needed replacing and that squeaking you complained about was your power steering." "They've adjusted your diff, lubed your front bushes, stripped your valve housing, replaced your rear shocks and re-gassed your aircon." "Gotta dash." "Bye!" "Sorry, who called?" "(DOOR BANGS)" " Hello, you." " (HUSKILY) Hello." " Come and sit down with me." " OK." "I like the new Ben." "No, no, you know..." "I love the new Ben." " Whoa!" " You overwhelm me." "Really?" "I never thought you knew me as well as this." "Everything you've bought me is just, well... (SIGHS)" " ...just perfect." " Really?" "Er...?" "Oh, so the rest of it arrived." "That's good...!" "Is there more to come, Ben?" "Is there?" "Well... let's all be surprised." "(DOORBELL RINGS)" "(DOORBELL RINGS)" "(KNOCKING)" "Hello?" "Hello, Martin!" "Hello, anyone there?" "(KNOCKING)" "Hello, Martin?" "Hello?" "Martin?" "Susan!" "Whoo..." "Whoa!" "(CLEARS THROAT)" "Er, Susan, can I, can I talk to you about something?" "Oh, my God, you want to talk to me?" "!" "First the gifts and now you want to talk to me?" "This is the best day of my life." "Er, Susan, um, I-I don't think that we should have Martin working round here any more." "Why not?" "Well, there's something not quite right about him." "What?" "That he's helpful and likes me?" "It's this whole thing, you know." "He's using us to get over his wife's death." "You know, he's exploiting us." "You didn't seem to mind when he was unclogging our U-bend." "You see, I went round to his house, you know, to thank him for all his hard work and, er," "I sort of found myself alone in his larder... and I stumbled across something I didn't quite like." "Vegetables?" "Worse." "Photos of you." "What?" "Photos of you!" "Pho..." "Ev..." "Look... everywhere!" "Susan, Susan, this man's a fully paid-up, baying-at-the-moon nut job." "Come on, Ben, I'm sure you're exaggerating." "Martin's just a sweet old man." "Sweet ol..." "He's a sweet old man with a zoom lens and a shrine." "And access to dangerous garden equipment." "What's he going to do, prune you?" "!" "Come on, Ben, forget about him." "Come to bed." "I still haven't rewarded you for all my Valentine's Day gifts." "Yeah, and that's the thing, you see, cos it's Martin who..." " who..." " Who what?" "What?" "Oh, Martin, he must be seething with jealousy about all the gifts that I bought you." "Look, Ben, if Martin has" " a few photos of me..." " If?" "If?" "!" "You don't believe me?" "!" "Well, come on, come on, you do have a tendency to let your imagination run away with you." "It's true, at times it's kept things fresh in the bedroom, but..." "No, no, no, no, I don't believe this!" "You don't believe me!" "OK, OK, you want proof?" "You want proof?" "No, no, no, I want you to shut up and get in to bed." "OK, fine." "I'll get you proof." "Sorry, best put on my trousers first." "Bye." "(CLUNKS AND RATTLES)" "(CRUNCH AND RATTLE)" "(CLUNK!" ")" "(RIP!" ")" "(CLICK!" ")" "Evening." "What the hell's going on?" "What are you doing in my kitchen?" "I saw smoke." "Thought you had a fire." "Came over and, er, phew, false alarm!" "That's a relief, eh?" "So..." "Ha-ha-ha!" "...crisis averted." "So I'll say good night." "Good night!" "Why did you break in through my window?" "Well, to be accurate, the window was actually open." "So technically speaking there was no break-in as such." "Why didn't you just come to the front door?" "Er, didn't want to wake you." "You thought there was a fire and you didn't want to wake me?" "!" "That's right." "Well, fire...bit of a fib." "The truth is, I wanted to return the hammer that you've been using over at my place." "But I was using your hammer." "That's right." "Which is why I didn't bring it with me." "I'm sorry about that." "So I'll say good night." "Good night, OK?" "Good night." "See you in the morning." "Ha-ha." "About 7 am, OK?" "Just keep the, er... (THUD!" ")" "(SHOUTS) Susan!" "Susan!" " Oh, hey, guess what?" " What?" "!" "I have proof." "Photographic evidence, Susan!" "You, my friend, are going to look such an idiot. (LAUGHS)" "Right, let's see it." "See it?" "I got it in the camera." "In the camera...oh, my God, that I've left behind..." "Yeah, right." ""I feel like such an idiot"(!" ")" "Come on, think, Ben, think!" " Oh, Ben, what have you done?" " Oh, nothing." "I haven't done anything illegal, if that's what you mean." "No, it's fine." "I simply broke in to his house." "You broke in to his house?" "!" "Yeah, he should be fine, fine." "It won't cause any problems." "(SIREN WAILS)" "Ah." "It may not be for me." "(DOORBELL BUZZES)" "So, you still maintain that Mr Ross is a stalker?" "Yes." "That's exactly what I'm saying." "I mean, I know it seems crazy that anyone would have a shrine to my wife..." "Thank you so much(!" ")" "No, I didn't mean it like that." "There's an easy way to sort this out." "I'll take you over there and show it to you." "We can't go in without a search warrant." "Well, go and get one." " We can't without reasonable cause." " Oh!" ""Reasonable cause"?" "What sort of rubbishy policing is that?" ""Oh, we can't go in there without reasonable cause," ""we might get into trouble." Oh, come on, that is pathetic." "Well, that's going to win them over(!" ")" "Mr Harper, you should consider yourself a very lucky man." "Oh, yes, yes, I'm blessed(!" ")" "If Mr Ross was inclined to press charges," "I'd be taking you down the station right now." "You're not going to arrest my husband?" "No, madam." "Oh." "We're going to let him off with a very severe warning." "Oh, "a very severe warning"?" "!" "Oh, great." "So it's a slap on the wrist for me and nothing at all for Norman Bates over there?" "!" "Come on, you've got to do something." "Good night." "I'll show you out, Sergeant." "He's got a gun, you know." "Excuse me?" "Martin Ross." "Got a gun." "Yeah, shotgun." "Big, er sort of...ooh, whopping great thing." "And, er, he pointed it at me." "I'm beginning to wish he'd fired it." "A gun, eh?" "Well, that does give us reasonable cause for entry." "Pfff!" "Who knew?" "A gun, officer?" "!" "Mr Harper maintains you pointed it at him." "Yeah, yeah, well, let's not get bogged down with unnecessary details." "It's the shrine we've come to see." " Shrine?" " Yes, the shrine." "Don't you play innocent with me, chummy." "OK, you doubting Thomases, prepare to believe me now!" "Ha!" "Cop..." "Er..." "So this is a shrine to who?" "Jamie Oliver?" "No, no, no..." "It's food." "In a larder." "Who'd have thought it(?" ")" "No, no, no, no, no, but it was pictures and photographs and lights, twinkly lights and the pede..." "Shoe..." "All right, what have you done with them, you weirdo?" "Oh, Ben, for goodness' sake." "Ah-ha!" "Gotcha now!" "You didn't know I'd photographed it, did you?" "Ha, ha!" "Look at this, look at this, Sergeant, have a look at that, ha ha!" "Yes, and you get ready to give me a big, fat, grovelling apology, and you, you, you loony tune, you're going to end up in a rubber room in a jacket with laces up the back." "Care to explain this, Mr Harper?" "Yeah, yeah, that's me, running away from the house." "After he broke in." "After..." "No, you see, ah, technically, I didn't break in, because the window was opened, which allowed me to come through the window with a camera to take pictures of this larder with the photographs" "of my wife up on the wall here and the twinkly lights and the shoe on the pedestal because he is unstable!" "Oh, he's unstable." "Yeah, let's have a look at more pictures." "There aren't any more pictures." "That's..." "What?" "You've wiped it!" "You crafty git." "I really don't know what he's talking about." "You're not alone." "Let's just return to this matter of the shotgun, shall we?" "What shotgun?" " Evening." " Yeah, hi." "You all right?" "Good, good, good." "You're cleaning?" "Don't put it there, I've just polished that." "All right." "Sorry." "Where are Mum and Dad?" "Well, Dad went over to see Martin about all those Valentine presents and he says that Martin had a shrine to Mum in the kitchen, but Mum didn't believe him." "So Dad broke in and took photos, but Martin called the police, and when they opened the door, surprise, surprise, no shrine, and the police got really angry with Dad and took him to the police station for questioning," "so Mum's gone over the road to see Martin to get him to drop the charges." "How many of those energy drinks have you had today?" " How many come in a pack?" " Six." "Two packs." "Janey, you're only supposed to have one a day." "They have side effects." "Don't be ridiculous." "Did that apple just say something about me?" "Look, Martin, I know my husband hasn't made it easy to forgive him." "He never does." "But I was hoping you might do it anyway, for my sake." " Anything for you, Susan." " Good." "Except that." "Have you ever thought what it might be like if Ben wasn't around?" "What?" "The mini-breaks, the great dinners, the singles scene?" "No, I haven't really thought about it." "I've never thought of Ben as being right for you, Susan." "You're not the first to say that." "I wish we'd met years ago." "D-d-d...do you think you could have fancied a chap like me?" "Well, um, you're a lovely man with great..." "great manners... and that counts for a lot." "But no, I can't see myself with anyone else but Ben." "Oh." "Excuse me a moment, Susan." "So I'm hoping we can put this in the past and move forward." "I promise Ben won't do anything like this again." "He has a tendency to let his imagination run away with him." "I tried to tell him that just because someone likes me, doesn't mean that they're insane." "Oh!" "Oh, I see you've found it." "I think it looks better than before." "Do you like it?" "Well, I don't have any other disconcerting shrines to compare it to." "I hope you don't think it's strange." "Why would I think it's strange?" "I only did it to show you that I'm the perfect man for you." "Well, the...the dress isn't helping." "I borrowed this from your wardrobe..." "in order to feel close to you." " Don't worry, I'll let you have it back." " Oh, no rush!" "Women like you are rare jewels, Susan." "You were so kind to me when my darling wife, Margaret, died." "You think you'll never, ever find love like that again, and there you were, across the road." "Speaking of across the road, I think I should be going home." " No." "Let's have coffee first." " I think I should be..." "No." "Let's have coffee first." "I meant what I said about Ben." "I mean, be honest, does he have a single redeeming feature?" "Well, as far as I know, he's never worn any of my clothes." "Oh!" "I apologise." "I forgot to get coffee!" "I'll run home and get some." "Or...not." "Coffee keeps me awake at night anyway." "Like...this won't." "(PHONE RINGS)" "Hello?" "Mikey!" "Mikey Mikey Mikey Mikey Mikey!" "Oh, God, Janey." "Are you all right?" "Good!" "Good, good, good, good, good, good." " Where are you?" " Liverpool." "What are you doing there?" "I fancied a walk." "Listen, Janey, you do realise when you come down off that stuff, it's going to be one major crash." "Janey?" "Janey?" "Hey, Dad." "Yeah." "So, you're home, then?" "Yeah." "Are you electronically tagged, or did you break out?" "It was all a misunderstanding, Mikey." "Where's your mother?" "She went over to iron things out with Mr Ross." "She what?" " Are you insane?" "You let her go?" " Why?" "Because the guy is crazy!" "Go and get her back, Mikey, go!" " Why can't you do it?" " Several reasons." "Like what?" "Restraining order." "That's never stopped you before." "Yeah, OK." "Right, you're right." "OK, I'll go." "Er, Mikey, er..." "if I don't come back..." "There's a safe in the bedroom in a cupboard and it has a reserve of emergency cash and some jewellery..." "Yes, Dad?" "I'd like to be buried with it." "There's no point in fighting it, Susan." "You must know that you and I have a future together." "Is it a future that doesn't involve me tied to a chair?" "You and I have so much in common." "Apart from dress size?" "Don't be flippant." "Sorry." "What are you looking at?" "Nothing, nothing." "Look, Martin, you're obviously under a great deal of pressure." "Why don't you let me call someone to come over and talk to you?" "More psychiatrists?" "Well, forget it." "I don't need any of them." "You might need some of them." "(WHISPERS) Hello?" "Hello, is that the Park Road Police Station?" "Yes, I'd like to speak to a Sergeant Miller." "Ben Harper." "Yes, the lunatic." "Martin Ross has kidnapped my wife and is holding her hostage." "She is tied to a chair at his kitchen table." "Oh, and he's wearing a cocktail dress." "Hello?" "Hello?" "Oh, hi." "Now, isn't that funny?" "You're wearing the dress, and I'm feeling awkward." "Well done." "My hero(!" ")" "For an old guy in a frock, he's deceptively strong, you know." "All those years sitting up in bed, reading Jason Bourne books." "Shame none of it rubbed off." "I didn't have to rescue you at all, you know, I could have just run off." "And the difference would have been...?" "You didn't believe me, did you, when I said he was crazy?" "Yes, I think someone owes someone an apology." " What?" " I'd like an apology." "I'd like you to admit that you were wrong and I was right." " Now?" " Yes!" "That's your priority?" "We're tied up and at the mercy of a maniac and you want an apology?" "I'm just saying it would be nice, that's all." "Let's just concentrate on getting out of here, shall we?" " Fine." " OK." "Fine." "Right, let's make our way to the cutlery drawer." "Look, look." "I know we haven't done this in a while, but let's work together on this, shall we?" " OK." "Ready?" " BOTH:" "One, two, three..." "Don't work so hard, Susan, just bounce around a little." "I've heard that before." "Move!" "Shh, shh, come on, go on, go on, yeah, yeah, yeah." " OK?" "Nearly?" "Oh..." " Yeah, yeah!" "Oh, my God." " What?" " It's full of your knickers!" " Did you not notice they were gone?" " I thought it was you." "I thought you were going through a phase." "Bingo." "Oh, you found the knives?" "No, no, he plays bingo." "Move, move, bit more, bit more!" "Yep, yep, found the cutlery." " Brilliant!" " Brilliant!" "(CLATTER)" "Not so brilliant." "Going somewhere?" "Obviously not the same place as you are." "You've stolen my make-up as well?" "No, we have different skin tones." "I'm an autumn, you're a spring." "Well, I'm afraid it's time to say goodbye." "You've left me no choice." "I shall have to move away and leave the area for good." " Yep, that's very wise." " Probably for the best." "Of course, I'll have to get rid of the evidence." "Yep, that's very wise too." "Ben, we're the evidence!" "Oh, damn." "I'm going to talk to him." "What?" "You're going to talk to him?" "!" "But he's completely irrational, with the mental age of a child." "Trust me, I've had experience." "I'm going to convince him that I'm going to run away with him and leave you for ever." "I'll get him to untie me, then I'll untie you, and then we'll overpower him together." "And you will untie me, right?" "Oh, Martin," "I just need to have a word before you put us in a shallow grave." "Shallow?" "With this?" "You don't know much about shovels, do you?" "I just need you to know my true feelings." "I'm afraid I haven't been exactly honest with you before." "I think I may love you." "My relationship with Ben has been a sham for years." "You're the type of man...slash woman I want to have in my life." "Sure, Ben's made some pathetic attempts by sending me flowers and chocolates on Valentine's Day..." "I sent those." "What?" "You didn't send me any of that stuff?" "Don't believe him, Susan, he's deranged." "It's the ramblings of a fruitcake." "As I was saying..." "I loathe this man and I would do anything, anything in the world to get away from him." "Let me just untie you." "I haven't finished." "How could you not tell me it was him who sent all that stuff?" " He was just about to untie you." " Shut up!" "Oh, Martin, whisk me away, whisk me away, Martin." "I'll just go and get my bag." "Yes!" "Good, Susan..." "Yeah, good, now untie me." "I want an apology." "What, now?" "That's your priority?" "Just saying, it would be nice." "OK, OK, I'm sorry that I didn't tell you your wacko boyfriend bought you the flowers and chocolates and the underwear." "Say it like you mean it!" "Would you just untie me?" "!" "My darling!" "Our future awaits." "Oh, Martin, please, may I just have my shoe?" "Oh!" "Good work, Susan, good work." "OK, now untie me." "Don't talk to me." "Susan...?" "Susan!" "Susan!" " Susan?" " Susan!" " Susan!" " Shut up!" " Susan!" " Susan!" "Shut up!" "..." "Susan!" "Well, that was one of our more interesting Valentine weekends." "I'm just glad Martin's getting some professional help." "Yeah, yeah, good." "Do you think he'll be better by the spring?" "That chimney still needs re-pointing, you know." "You're all heart(!" ")" "Thank you for apologising, by the way." "It's OK." "Well, I know I was tied up and about to be killed by a homicidal cross-dresser, but I..." "I really did mean it, you know." "I'm sorry I doubted you." "And I'm sorry I didn't send you a Valentine's card." "Good night, darling." "Night." "Hang on..." "What happened to my Valentine's card?"