"Will?" "What is it, Pa?" "Come out here." "Listen." "Your ears are better than mine." "Somebody's coming." "I don't hear nothing." "Turn off that whatchama-call-it." " The radio." " I know what you call it." "Turn it off." "First, I heard one of them cars." "Then it stopped." "And now somebody's coming down the hill." "You hear?" "Y'all stay right here." "If I call, come a-running." "Pa, that ain't no way to welcome folks." "Maybe it's kin." "Kin don't come in no cars." "See if you can wake up that old hound dog." "Hey, Blue?" "Come on, Blue." "I got a big old catfish head for you." "Come on, Blue." "Never seen such a crickety dang pit in my whole life." "Stuck up all over here and everything." " Are you Will Stockdale?" " Howdy." "Three dang times this month, I've been out here..." "Don't you point your finger in my boy's face." "Are you threatening me with a firearm?" "I'm a government representative on business." "Busting up here without saying howdy or nothing." " What government?" " U.S. government." "The draft board." "This boy's been called for the draft." "He never reported." "He's a draft dodger." "Fold in that finger, sir." "I'm warning you, fold in that finger." "He could go to jail for that." "He's in today's group." "And this is your last chance." "If you don't leave with that group at 12 a. m you're gonna be in more trouble than you ever did see." "You already got one offense against you." " Not answering my letters." " I never got no letters." "Don't tell me you can't read." "You could've got somebody to read them to you." " So that ain't no excuse." " You mean to stand there and tell me to my face my boy can't read?" " Now, look..." " You think my boy who has gone to school and who has read more times than you could shake a stick at couldn't read a puny little old letter, if he wanted to?" "By dog, sir." "I never got no letters." "I don't think I can stand to listen to any more of this." "Get that book." "No, sir, what you think don't mean nothing to me but we are gonna settle this here question right here and now and not have no more foolishness about it." "Read at him." ""Once there was a boy named Tony who wanted a pony." "So he went to his mama and said:" "'May I have a pony?" "'" "And his Mama says:" "'No, Tony, you may not have a pony."'" "Go on." ""So he went to his papa and said:" "'Papa, may I have a pony?" "'" "And his papa says:" "'No, Tony, you may not have a pony."'" "End of the book, he gets the pony anyhow." "Now that we have settled if or not my boy can read..." " Pa." " you best be getting off my property and back in that car of yours and out of range..." " Pa, be Christian to him." " Christian?" "You know what the Lord would've done if a man come all hot and stomping onto his property without saying howdy or nothing?" "Scaring his chickens and saying folks can't read?" "Sir, would it be all right if me and Pa speak private-like?" " Okay, but make it short." " Thank you, sir." "Come on, Pa." "And don't try any funny business." "Because I ain't alone here." "Set yourself, Pa." "Now, listen, Pa." "I don't think this here draft's such a bad idea." "I mean, I'd kind of like to go." "There's a whole lot of fellas there and they all march along right, snappy like." "You listen to me, boy." "Going in the draft don't mean just going into town." "It means Macon and Atlanta and still further." "I've been to Atlanta, you know that." "When I was no older than you." "I told you how them folks laughed at me and called me smart names." "You don't want that, boy." " Pa, now ain't the same as it was then." " Dogged if it ain't." "But they want me." "They even sent a fella to come and fetch me, didn't they?" "And that ain't all." "Last spring, I seen a sign on the sidewalk down there in town." "This great big old picture of Uncle Sam." ""And Uncle Sam wants you," he's a-saying." "Just like this fellow here, Pa, pointing his finger right straight in my face." "Don't you think a soldier fella come up to me right then and there inviting me to come along with all the other fellas?" "I told him how you was ailing then and would he kindly wait a while." "You've been tearing up them letters, ain't you, Pa?" "And you ain't ailing no more." " Hey, are you coming or do I have to..." " I'm just fixing to get me my shoes." "You've got to know this:" "He's a good boy." "It's my blame he didn't come when he should've." "I don't care who or why, mister." "We got him now." "Remember, Pa?" "I got these here for Aunt Tuzie's funeral." "Ain't it nice I'm finally getting a chance to wear them again?" "Appears they liked to have shrunk a little." "They'll put shoes on you in Army." "And ain't gonna wait for you to put them on." "Listen, draft man, you tell them folks to be nice to my boy, you hear?" " lf they ain't, I'll..." " I'm ready." "Say goodbye to Blue for me when he wakes up, will you?" "I will." " Write to me regular, you hear?" " Sure, Pa." "Print big." "I will." "Remember, draft man, what I said." " lf they ain't good to my boy..." " Yeah, I'll remember." "Come on, boy, we gotta go." " Bye, Pa." " Bye, Will." "All right, fill it out." "Last name first, first name, middle name last." "Fill it out." "All right, fill it out." "Last name first, first name, middle name last." "Fill them out." "All right." "Fill it out." "Last name first, first name, middle name last." "Fill it out." "Fill it out." "Last name first, first name, middle name last." "Fill it out." "Rosabelle Lou, honest now, you sure you gonna miss me?" "Why, Stanton, honey you all know your little Rosabelle's just gonna die of loneliness." "Honey, baby doll." "All right, fill it out." "Last name first, first name, middle name last." "Fill it out." "Fill it out." "Last name first, first name, middle name last." "Fill it out." "Hey, you." "This the group going to the Air Force?" "That's where I'm driving the bus to." "You want a reserved seat?" "All right." "Save the jokes for the plowboys." "Fill it out." "Last name, first name, middle name last." " I know, I know, I know." " Fill it out." "Hey, look, they're bringing a fella in bracelets." "Finally latched onto him, Mr. McKinney?" " Did he give you any trouble?" " Trouble?" "Ain't no draft dodger gonna give me any trouble." "Had to borrow the sheriff's handcuffs." "That'll hold you till I get you on that bus." " But, Mr. McKinney, I ain't dodging nothing." " Shut up." "Let me have it." "Fill it out." "Last name first, first name, middle name last." "Lean on the pump." " Last name first..." " First name, middle name last." "Huh." " All right, any you boys had any ROTC?" " I did." "Close to a year." " What's your name?" " Blanchard, Irving S." "Irving?" "Okay, Irving." "I'm setting you in charge of this here group." "When you get to your classification center give these forms to the sergeant of your barracks." " What about him?" " Keep them cuffs on him." "Here are the keys." "It took me three months to flush him out of them hills so see that he don't get away." "Come on in my office, Dave, I'll give you your money." "Whew." "You hear what he said, Plowboy?" "I don't want any trouble, you understand?" " Me, neither, Irving." " My name's Blanchard to you." "It's a real pleasure." "You getting smart with me, Plowboy?" "I don't wanna hear one peep out of you." "Not one peep." "All right, I ain't had my morning coffee, so I ain't gonna wait around to see you off." "Now, Irving here's in charge." "Callville is proud of her sons in uniform so show them what kind of men we raise here." "And be good." "And if you can't be good, be careful." "Rosabelle!" "Pa." "Get on home!" "Yes, Pa." "I told you to stay home this time!" "Dang it." "All right, all right, into the bus when I call your name." " Deroy, Richard S." " Here." " Farnum, Robert E." " Here." " Hooper, Junior C." " Here." " Lemon, Henry P." " Here." " Stockdale, Will." " Uh..." "Here." "I'll get around to you." " Swineburn, Armand A." " Here." "Whitledge, Benjamin B." "Whitledge, Benjamin B." "Here, here." "Whitledge, here." " Benjamin B. Is Mr. McKinney here?" " Who?" "Mr. McKin..." "Mr. McKinney, the man on the draft board." "I got a letter for him." "Take it easy, sonny." "You just missed him." " Oh, I gotta find him." "I got a letter for him." " He left me in charge." "Hey, give me that." "That's a private letter." "It's official business for Mr. McKinney." "Don't you understand English?" "I'm in charge." "And here, fill out that form." " That's a private letter, you big..." " Hey." "Don't get sore at Irving, feller." "He's had ROTC." "That doesn't give him the right to push me around." "Hey, you put your last name first, and then your first name." "Like this." "Stockdale, Will." "Will Stockdale." "Stockdale." "Stockdale?" "All you need is one of each." "Is that all?" "Wise guy." "Oh." "Much obliged." "What's the matter with you?" "Oh, they think I'm a draft dodger, but I ain't." "Here, give me." "You can't write good with handcuffs." "Thanks." "Can't write much good without them." "Heh." " "Ever had measles?"" " No." " "The mumps?"" " No." " "Chickenpox?"" " No." " "Any other communicable diseases?"" " I reckon not." "You figure they gonna make me go back home?" " "Ever break any bones?"" " Broke a leg bone once." " "Which leg?"" " The r..." "No, it was the left." "Yeah, left." "Left." ""Any member of your family belong to groups planning to overthrow the government by unconstitutional means?"" "No, we're pretty satisfied." " He still limps a mite." " Who does?" "That fellow whose leg bone I broke." "He hit me first." "You ever have ROTC?" "No." "Hey, Irving had it." "Close to a year." "He's so jumpy and all, I figure he's still got a touch of it in him." " Listen, Stockdale, ROTC..." " Will's my name." " Will, listen, ROTC ain't..." " What was yours again?" " Ben." "Ben Whitledge." "ROTC..." " Howdy." "Hi." "Look, Will, ROTC ain't a disease." "It's training." "Reserve Officer Training, uh, Corporation." " Heh." "Is that the truth?" " Oh, sure." "There's different kinds." "There's cavalry ROTC, artillery ROTC, infantry ROTC." " Infantry's the best." " Yeah, that's what I always thought." " Ben, Irving ain't sick?" " No." "And he don't rank no higher than we do." "Because ROTC don't mean nothing unless you finish the course." "Hey, get this." ""So I beg of you, Mr. McKinney." "Please get my enclosed letter to the commanding officer in the Air Force."" "Hey, you can't read that." ""So that my son Ben will be put in the infantry the same as his six brothers before him."" "Give me that, you big..." "Let go." "Let..." "Let go of me!" ""All his life, little Ben has been dreaming of being a real infantry soldier like all the men in our family."" "Little Ben wanna be a great big soldier?" "Irving?" "That letter belongs to Ben." "Now, you give it to him." "I told you to keep your mouth shut, Plowboy." ""lt'll break his poor heart if he's put in the Air Force instead of the infantry so his brothers will be proud of him."" "Irving, you ain't sick like I thought, so you give Ben his letter." "Listen, Plowboy." "Yeah, sure." "I imagine it's time for us to get going, ain't it?" "So I'd thank you if you'd take these off, Irving." " They're beginning to chafe me a mite." " Yeah." "Yeah." "Yeah, sure." "All right, let's stop kidding around here." "Climb aboard there." "Snappy now." "Why, sure, Irving." "All right, move along." "Move along." "So long, boys." "Don't take any wooden nickels." "I appreciate if you write me how much it cost to get it fixed, Mr. McKinney." "Bye." "It sure was interesting when we got to the classification center." "They took us around from one building to another." "And they stuck needles into our arms  and whomped us on the knees with a little rubber hammer  and mashed down our tongues with an ice cream stick." "Then after a real nice supper  I never had such a fill of beans in my whole life  we was all setting around the barracks  in our snappy new uniforms learning how to salute  everybody talking and joking and feeling the back of their necks  where they had these horse clippers run over them  when this nice fella, this here sergeant, come in." "Hey." "Why, there's the sergeant." "Please, let's keep it quiet." "On behalf of the president of the United States Secretary of the Air Force, commanders of this base and this squadron I wanna welcome you, gentlemen, to the United States Air Force." "This is a classification center where you will undergo tests, both physical and mental designed to determine your abilities so that you may be trained for the position from which both you and the Air Force will derive the greatest benefit." "Tests are for you own good, so do your best in every test." "My name is King." "K-l-N-G, Sergeant King." "I'm in charge of the barracks where you will be billeted for two weeks." "During that period, the barracks will be kept spotlessly clean." "This may be a stopping off place for you, but for me, it is home." "Before turning in tonight, every one of you will write a letter to his nearest of kin informing them that you have arrived safely and are in the best of health." "If any problem should arise, feel free to consult me about its solution." "I am here to help you during these first difficult days of military service." "These are my quarters." "Knock before entering." " That understood?" "Yes, sir." "Roger." "Wilco." "Seemed like a right friendly fella." "Be right back." "Come in." "Private Blanchard delivering forms on 12 inductees from Callville as ordered." "You keep standing like that, you're gonna pull a muscle." "Just put them down." "Not on the bed, please." "Anything else?" "Sergeant, I feel it's my duty to tell you about one of the Callville inductees." "Fella named Stockdale." "A draft dodger." "He gave me a lot of trouble." "Not on the bed, please." "I was put in charge and he gave me a lot of trouble." "They brought him to the bus in these." "I'll make a note of it." "I think he'll need some disciplinary action." "He already hit one of the fellas with a gasoline pump." " In the barracks here?" " No, back at the bus station." "I'll make a note of it." "I thought he ought to be reported to the squadron commander." " Oh, no." " Well, I mean, I think it's my duty to..." "Any reporting done around here, I do it." "Sure you do." "And this fella Stockdale's a real troublemaker." "Look, sonny, how long have you been in the service?" "About six hours, I guess." "I had ROTC though." "I suppose they told you it was all efficiency standing at attention, running around." "Well, I've been in for 18 years and it ain't like you think it is at all." "It's a quiet, peaceful life, if you mind your own business." "It's like there was a big lake, nice and calm." "I'm in a canoe, you're in another, the captain's in a canoe and the colonel." "You know what you do if you report somebody or complain about somebody or request something?" "You make waves." "Well, I thought the captain would wanna know if he's got a troublemaker." "I hate to pull rank on you, but for your information you got the smallest canoe in the whole lake." "Good night, private." "And now our next request  comes from Master Sergeant Orville C. King  at the Air Force classification center." "Here you are, Sergeant." "Hey, Ben, do you put a big "S" on "sergeant"?" "When you print it, it don't make no difference, Will." "Oh." "Boy, Pa'll sure be happy about how Sergeant King said it was really a home." " No, come on, Ben, you take the bottom." " No, Will." " But, honest, I like sleeping high." " No, sir." "You sat on the bottom bunk first." "I didn't mean nothing by it." "Honest, I didn't." "First come, first serve." "That's the military way." " No, now come on, Ben." " I won't, I tell you!" " Now, come on." " Let that man alone, Stockdale." "I'm beginning to think I never should've taken the cuffs off of you." "Well, Irving, I wasn't doing nothing." "I was just..." "Look, if you want some fighting, you go after somebody your own size." " Not some little mouse." " Watch your mouth!" "Why don't you mind your own business?" "We're just stopping him from wrestling you around." "That's between him and me, nobody asked you." "Now, Ben, don't..." " Only trying to do you a favor, junior." " Who you calling Junior?" "Who asked you anything, anyhow?" "All right, if that's the way you feel about it." "You wanna be buddies with draft dodger, be buddies with the draft dodger." "Go ahead." " That's the way I feel about it." " All right, before there's trouble you hit the sack." "Get to bed, both of you." "I was just going to, Irving." "Give him time, Irving, beds is strange to Plowboy." "He's used to sleeping with the hogs." " What's the matter with you, anyhow?" " Me?" "Taking their insults and heehawing like a dang donkey." "They don't mean nothing by it, Ben." "Besides, I thought that one about sleeping with the hogs is kind of funny." " Aww..." " Heh-heh." "Well, see, I figure if we just laugh with them why, pretty soon they'll get tired of carrying on, there won't be no ruckus." "You think a-laughing is gonna stop these guys?" "A-licking is all they understand." " You think so?" " I know so." "And you behaving like a dang donkey." "Oh, what's he holding?" "You know?" "Oh, yeah." "I'm through." " Yeah, I've had enough." " Me too." "Yeah." "Lonesome for the hogs, Plowboy?" "Ain't used to living indoors, are you, Plowboy?" "Look, Plowboy, you want us to tuck you in bed?" "I bet your pa always tucked you in nice and comfy." "Wonder what kind of hog his pa is." "Chester White or Poland China?" "I ain't gonna trouble you fellas none because I know you was all just put up to it." "Excuse me." "Irving, stand up and take off them glasses." " Why?" " I aim to bust you up some." "Look, Stockdale, I'm not alone now." "There's five of us here." "Hit him!" "Hey, do not, Plowboy." "Come on." "Time out." "Come on, Plowboy, hit him." "That's the end of it." "Come on, man." "Come on." "Knock it off." "Knock it off." "Knock it off!" "Aren't you gentlemen starting in a bit early to tip over my canoe?" "Sergeant, let me try to explain." "Shut up." "No, I am not in the mood for explanations." "I am quite tired." "You understand?" "And I want no more noise." "You understand, gentlemen?" "I will be more than willing to listen to explanations in the morning." "And as morning likes to come a little early in the service we'll help it along." "We won't wait for taps." "Get to your bunks." "On the double!" "Ooh!" "He seems a mite upset." "Oh, Will." "We better put Irving in his bed." "He won't wanna disobey the sergeant." "You get his feet." "Let him alone, please, Will." "He'll wake up and cause some more trouble." "Yeah, I reckon he might." " Pretty good fight, though, wasn't it?" " Dog it, Will, this'll mess up everything." " What will, Ben?" " Fighting in the barracks." "But you said licking was all they'd understand." "Not in the barracks." "One of them's bound to snitch tomorrow that we started a fight." "Dog it, I'll never get in the infantry now." "If we kept our mouths shut and didn't do nothing, we might get transferred." "Both of us?" "But now, they're sure to tell about the fight." "No, they won't." "If one of them says anything, I'll take him out in the back and whomp him good." "Now, there you go, Will." "You think the infantry wants men like that?" "No, they want men who can take it and keep their mouths shut the way a man ought to do." "Transfer?" "We'll be lucky if they don't transfer us into the Navy." "Walking around in them little old white uniforms." "Do you really want both of us to transfer, Ben?" "Don't you understand, Will?" "It's the infantry does the real fighting." "All the rest is just helpers." "Look at the War Between the States." "How about that?" "Yeah." "How about that?" "See what I mean?" "Every man in my family's been in the infantry clear back to my great grandpa." "You know what he done?" "Fought with Stonewall Jackson at Chancellorsville." "Licked him good too, I bet." "By dog." "First thing tomorrow, I'm gonna get sergeant's permission to see the captain." "I'll give him Ma's letter and I'll..." "And I'll..." "Oh, what's the use?" "What's the use?" "Hey." "Hey, Ben, maybe you'll get to like the Air Force." "Zooming all over the sky and shouting "roger" and "wilco" and everything." "Maybe it won't be so bad." "Bad?" "You know what they call men in the Air Force?" "Airmen." "Like something out of a dang funny book." "Airman." "How you gonna like it when somebody calls you "airman"?" "By dog, I just don't think I'll stand for it." "Hey, long as we gotta lie in the dark, give us a chance to get some sleep." " Knock it off." "Yeah, hit the..." "Airman." "Somebody brung their trumpet." "Hey, Ben." "Hey." "Hey, Ben." "All right, I'm up, I'm up." "All right, I'm up." "All right, I'm up." "All right, I'm up." "Howdy, I'm Will Stockdale." "I didn't hear the whistle." "Tell the men to line up." "If the captain comes around, tell him I'm checking on who overslept." "I'll be out there just as quick as I can..." "It's 12:00 at night." "It is?" "Oh..." "That's a prettiest watch." "You woke me." "Well, you said to knock before entering." "Why did you wake me?" "This ain't nothing personal against you, sergeant no, that we don't like your barracks no, nothing like that." "What it is, is Ben's got these six brothers that's all infantry." "That's my new buddy Ben, that's asleep out there?" "So naturally, he don't wanna be in no Air Force." "Heh-heh." "I mean, with the infantry doing the real fighting and the Air Force being the helpers." "Well, you know, like in the War Between the States?" "So he wants to transfer and he wants me to go along with him." "I figured you could do it for us." "Heh-heh." "I heard what you said out there about how you was here to help us during first difficult days of military service." "Why do they send all the bums and the idiots to my barracks?" " They do?" " Yes." "Yes, they do." "Sure must be a mess." " Whatever your name is, get out..." " Stockdale." "Stockdale, I want you to get out of this..." "Stockdale?" "Don't you come near me." "Get out of this room and get back in your bunk and go to sleep." "That's all." "Yes, sir." "Ben did say the captain was the one to see..." " Stockdale, where you going?" " To the captain." "Oh, no." "But Ben, he knows all about doing things military and..." "Oh, no." "You can't, you can't." "You just:" "Oh, you can't do it." "Captain would just as soon rip off your stripes as look at you." " Well, I ain't got no stripes." " Wait a minute." "Now, you'll never get transfers by waking up the captain." "He won't understand." "Believe me, he won't." " Well, I'll go over it real slow." " Wait a minute." "Now, if you want the captain to do you a favor you've gotta do a favor for the captain." "Yeah, that's it." "Now, how would you like to do a big favor for the captain?" " Me?" " Come on." "That's it." "Come on." "You do one for him, he'll do one for me and I'll do one for you." "That's the way it works out in the service." "Now you just go right on in here." "Now do you know what this is?" "It's a kind of a big outhouse, ain't it?" " We call it the latrine." " La..." "Latrine." " Uh-huh." " Heh." "How about that?" "You might say it's the captain's hobby, he inspects it every chance he gets." "And when it sparkles, why he sparkles too." "Now, you get it all cleaned up." "You are the officer in charge." "In charge?" "Every last one of them, all yours." "Golly." "Now, you just stay right here and don't go no place." " You bet." "Good night." " Good night." "Hey, thank you." "Well, it just goes to show you how good things happen to you when you're least expecting them." "Well, get started." "I stayed officer in charge of this here latrine all night long." "Rubbing and scrubbing  and doing my best to make things sparkle like Sergeant King said." "And then I stayed on through breakfast too  because I wanted to do a right good job of it." "So Sergeant King would be real pleased how things come out  when he come in to look at it in the morning." "Beautiful." "Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful." " Beautiful." " Shucks, it ain't hard." "Wait'll the captain sees this." "He inspects this like it was an operating room where somebody was gonna cut out his heart." "Never in your life you've seen such a guy for sticking his head right down into things." " You figure he'll like what I done?" " He'll be a new man." "Will, how would you like to be permanent latrine orderly?" " Permanent latrine orderly?" " PLO." "Golly." "The captain makes inspection every Saturday." "Now, if you could keep everything as clean as it is right now the captain'll get off my back." "Gee, I'd sure like to, sergeant but I was kind of set on helping Ben get them transfers." "You know, he's my buddy." "Ain't I your buddy?" "You are." "You help me out, I'll help Ben." "Just don't say anything about this outside of this room." "I'm going to the record section and fix it up with a couple of friends of mine." "Okay." "Sergeant, don't I have to take them tests you was talking about yesterday and get myself classified?" "No, Will, you've been classified." "If we hurry, we can catch that picture at the base theater." "Not me, Ben." " You said you ain't never seen a picture." " I know, but I got my duty to do." " You're going back to that latrine again?" " You bet." "It's against the rules for you to be permanent in the latrine like that." "All week you've been there." "Sergeant King knows the rules, don't he?" "Besides, like I told you, he's doing me and you a favor." " What favor, will you tell me that?" " I aim to surprise you, Ben." "You don't go to lectures or study, how you gonna get classified?" "Sergeant King says I'm already that way." " Are you crazy?" "Don't you...?" " Now, don't take on so, Ben." "Just wait and see what the captain says after he makes his inspection tomorrow." "Why you take them faucets, for instance." "I polished them so hard, they don't say hot and cold no more." "What?" "At ease." "I think you'll be very pleased here, sir." "Attention." "Latrine ready for inspection, sir." "This is incredible." "This is absolutely incredible." "I am pleased." "No." " No, I am happy." " Thank you, sir." "Thank you." " You the one on latrine duty today, private?" " Yes, sir." "All week, sir." " Ahem, ahem." " You are to be congratulated." "Just look at..." "What did you say?" "Me?" "Nothing, sir." " Something about all week." " Uh..." "Well, I done my best in one day, but just to be fair with you it took me a week of scrubbing to get it like this." "Is this man being punished for some infraction?" " Oh, no, sir." "No, sir." " Oh, heck no, sir." "I'm PLO." " You're what?" " Permanent latrine orderly." "Stockdale." "Oh, but don't credit me none though, sir." "It's all Sergeant King's doings." "He even got it fixed up so I don't even have to get classified." " Sir, I..." " What?" "That's impossible." "Oh, no, sir." "He fixed it with some friends of his." "Yes, sir." "It was him got me to work so hard telling me how latrines is your hobby and sticking your head down into things and all." " Sir, I can explain every..." " Now, don't you be bashful, sergeant." "Sir, I been wanting to tell you about what a good sergeant he is." "Oh, he solves our problems for us and helps us out on our difficult days in military service." "And I guess that he's about the best dang sergeant there is in the whole danged Air Force." "Sir, you really ought to get up off of his back." "How long have you been a sergeant?" " Well, sir, I..." "Ahem." " Speak up." "Sixteen years, sir." "And how long do you expect to remain a sergeant?" "Twelve years." "You will remain a sergeant exactly one week." "One week." "Unless this man completes the entire classification process and is shipped out with the group he came in with." "Understand?" "Unless this man is out of here by the end of the week you will not be in charge of this barracks, you will not be a sergeant you will in all probability be a permanent latrine orderly." "PLO." "This is not your fault, private." "You've done a fine job." "I have never seen such a clean latrine in my entire career." "Thank you, sir." "It was my aim to get it just as clean as that operating room where they're fixing to cut out your heart!" "You forgot to ask him about the transfers." "What happened?" "What did you do it for?" "Heck, I couldn't see no sense in me getting all the credit." "We've gotta get you classified right away." "We gotta get you out of here." "You don't want me around no more?" "I thought we was buddies." "It ain't what I want, it's what the captain wants." "Now, we gotta get you classified in a hurry." "You're gonna have to take tests and you're going to have to talk to a lot of people." "And you're going to have to work real hard." "Will it help Ben and me get them transfers?" "Well, I guarantee you, wherever you go, they'll bust a gut to get you transferred." "Well, I'll work hard all right, but I don't know." "The last test I took was close on to five years ago and that was one of them tests where you try this fella's toothpaste for 10 days and see if your teeth don't get brighter." "And I failed." "You been admiring this watch of mine, haven't you?" "I sure have, sergeant." "That there's the prettiest watch I ever seen." "You get shipped out of here by Saturday morning like the captain said and it's yours." " Mine?" " Yours." "Golly." " Now you'll work real hard, right?" " Right." " And not waste any time?" " No, sir." "Good boy." "Now first thing Monday morning, we start classification." "You stay right here around the barracks and get a lot of rest and relax your head." "I'm going down to the testing area and see if I can borrow some of the tests." "Okay." "Tell them I'll give them back just like I did the toothpaste." "This place where they give us the tests was really something." "They had this great big building, full of doctors, nurses and officers." "All of them walking in and out and around real quickety-quick  and not smiling at nobody." "And then there was this place something like a schoolroom  where they give us the tests we had to write out." "Time's up, pal." "It was right friendly of you to wait for me." "Thank you." " How'd you think you did, Will?" " Well, them printed tests they give us they was exactly like the ones that you borrowed..." "Only what?" "Only you spent so much time drumming the answers into me we ought to have spent a little more on the questions they joint up with." "Now, you just sit right down here and wait." "Come on, Will, the corporal's waiting." "Here he is, corporal." "Awfully sorry to keep you waiting." "What we do here, private, is to evaluate your manual dexterity on a time scale in relation to digital visual coordination." "Two irregular steel links which can be interconnected thusly." "I separate them, I join them." "It will be your task, when I give the signal to place the two links in an interconnected relationship I have just demonstrated." "Uh..." "I put them together?" "That's right, you put them together." "I'll time you and three minutes is passing." "Now, whatever you do, don't get nervous." "Ready." "Go." "There you go." "Attaboy." " Put them together." " Sergeant, please." "Nobody ever does this in less than two minutes." "You're not even supposed to be in here." "This is a special case." "He has to go out with the group he came in with." " It's is a very difficult test." " I couldn't do it myself." " What are you talking about?" " I want you to get out of here." " I'd just like to see you try to do it." " This is my department." " He's my department." " That's my door." "Get out." " Get out right this minute." " Throw me out." "You're not supposed to be here." "This is my watch..." " All right, then watch your watch..." " I'm done." "Stop the watch." " Look." "Look at that." " He put them together, didn't he?" "Sergeant!" "Sergeant!" "What's the fuss about?" "You said, "Put them together," he put them together." "Look what he did, for Pete's sake." "How am I gonna mark him on that?" "You're supposed to be grading him on this." "Can't you do that?" "I'm supposed to mark it down whether they put it back together or not and there ain't supposed to be but one way of doing it and he didn't do it." "How you gonna mark him on a thing like that?" "Who do you think's gonna pay for these?" "Sixteen dollars, they cost." " lf you think I'm gonna pay $ 16..." " Corporal!" "Sixteen lousy dollars!" "Corporal, I'll be glad to pay the 16 lousy dollars." " You will?" " lf he passed the test." "He did it wrong." "He was supposed to do it a certain way." "Will, will you step outside for a minute, have a smoke." "Now, corporal, let's look at this thing logically." "You need money and I need him to pass the test." "But he did do it completely wrong." " Ben?" " Will." "I ain't seen you all day." "You been in there classifying?" " Yeah." " Me too." "Find out where you're going?" "Sergeant King says maybe gunnery school." "That's where I'm going too if I pass the eye test." " How about that?" " Yeah, how about that?" "Oh, Ben, you ain't still sad about not being in the infantry?" "The captain didn't even read my letter." "And that plan of yours sure didn't work so good." "I tried to ask the psychiatrist if he could fix me up." " Yeah, what'd he say?" " He didn't say nothing." "I don't think he understands so good." "I'm just stuck in the Air Force, that's all." "Hey, Ben, maybe it's the Air Force that's the real fighters and the infantry's just the helpers." "Never." "Well, Ben, all you can do is look at it that way." "No." "Wait'll my brothers find out." "Airman." "Private." "What kind of rowdydow is this?" "Pick up that cap." "Yes, sir." " Is that a way to treat government property?" " No, sir, ma'am." "We're excited because we're maybe going to the same school." "That's no excuse for..." "What's the matter with this one?" " Have you been drinking?" " No, no, sir." "Get at attention, Will." "We're sending this to school?" "Yes, sir, ma'am." "If he passes the eye test, he'll be going to gunnery school." "As what?" "A target?" "No, sir, ma'am." "Let's have no more rowdydow, understand?" "No more." "Yes, sir." "Ma'am." "What's the matter with you, anyhow?" "Don't you know enough to come to attention and salute an officer?" " She was a woman." " Sure she was." "Ain't you ever heard of the Women's Air Force?" "You mean they got one too?" "Sure." " Against ours?" " No, Will." "They're with us." "They're with us 100 percent." " We got to salute them?" " The officers, we do." "Didn't you hear that lecture about military courtesy?" "I'll be dogged." "I never heard of saluting no woman before." "She ain't a woman, she's a captain." "I seen a captain there so I come to attention and saluted." "A captain, that's all." " A woman captain." " A "captain" captain." "By dog, don't you understand nothing, Will?" "When you're in uniform, you ain't supposed to notice whether a person is a man or a woman or what." "A captain's a captain, a major's a major and a general's a general." "Ben, you mean to tell me that you didn't notice that she was a woman?" "A captain, that's all I seen." "Well, dog it, Ben, I knew she was a woman right off." "Honest, Will, sometimes I wonder how come they took you in the draft at all." "Come on, Will." "You too, Whitledge." "Well, Will, it looks like you're just liable to get classified after all." "Just shows you what the Air Force has come down to." " This the fella you want?" "Whitledge?" " Yeah." "Psychiatrist says he has a secondary anxiety with inferiority and systematized delusions of persecution." "I ain't surprised." "Recommends he be considered to be transferred to the infantry." "The infantry?" "Don't get excited." "He didn't say you have to." "Well, yeah, but that's what Ben's always been wanting, corporal." " Just you tell me what I have to do." " Well, here." "Fill this out." "When he's finished, buck it through to the colonel for approval." "If he's crazy enough to want it." "How about that, Ben?" "You made it." "Just wait'll my brothers hear about this." " Stockdale?" " Yeah." "Okay, psychiatrist." "Oh, Lord, psychiatrist." "Now, Will, listen carefully." "The psychiatrist test is one where I couldn't get copies of questions because there ain't any." "The doctor asks you whatever happens to pop into his head." " So keep your wits about you." " I'll try." "Hey." "Hey." "Hey, maybe he'll give me a transfer too, huh, Ben?" "He'll ask you things like what do you dream?" "Okay." "Hey, maybe he'll give me a transfer too, huh, Ben?" "Sure, Will." " The psychiatrist is waiting, Stockdale." " Coming." "Wait a minute." "The safest thing I guess is just say that you never dream at all." " Okay." "See you later, Ben." " No dreams." "Sergeant?" "Do you think he can?" "Can what?" "Get transferred too." "Maybe you could talk to the doctor." "Now, don't you complicate things." "I never have no dreams at all." " Where are you from, Stockdale?" " Georgia." "That's not much of a state, is it?" "Well, I don't live all over the state." "I just live in this one little place in it." "That's where Tobacco Road is." "Georgia." "Not around my section." "Maybe you're from a different part than me." "I've never been there." "What's more, I don't think I would ever wanna go there." "What's your reaction to that?" "Well, I don't know..." "I would rather live in the rottenest pigsty in Tennessee or Alabama than the fanciest mansion in all of Georgia." "How about that?" "Well, sir, I think where you wanna live is your business." "You don't mind if someone says something bad about Georgia?" "I ain't heard nobody say nothing bad about Georgia." "Well, what do you think I've been saying?" "Well, to tell you the truth, sir I ain't been able to get too much sense out of it." " Don't you know?" " Now, watch your steps, young man." "Psychiatrists call this attitude of yours resistance." " You do?" " Yes." "You sense that this interview is a threat to your security." " You feel yourself in danger." " Well, kind of I do." "If I don't get myself classified Sergeant King, he won't give me the wristwatch." "He won't." "He says I only get it if I'm classified inside a week." "Do you get along all right with your mother?" "No, sir, I can't hardly say that I do." "Oh, I see." "She's very strict with you." "She's always hovering over you." "Hmm?" " No, sir, just the opposite." " She's never there?" " That's right." " And you resent this neglect, don't you?" " Well, no, sir, I don't resent nothing." " Oh, come now, son." "Now, don't be bashful, that's a common situation." " Does she beat you?" " No." "Oh, so defensive." "Well, it's not easy to talk about your mother, is it?" "No, sir." "See, she died when I was born." "You could've told me that sooner." "Do you hate your mama?" "I figured as how you said it was so common." "I do not hate my mother." "I should hope not." "Does she beat you or something?" "This is a transference." "You're taking your stored up antagonisms and loosing them in my direction." "Oh, transference." "It happens every day." " It does?" "To the infantry?" " Yeah..." "The infantry?" "You'd give Ben a transfer and I wish you'd give me one too." " Because I'd sure love to go along with him." " Now stop." "Now, there are a few more topics that we have to cover." "We will not talk about transfers and we will not talk about my mother." "We will talk about what I want to talk about." "Do you understand?" "Yes, sir." "Now, then." " Your father?" "Living?" " Yes, sir." "Oh." " Do you get along with him okay?" " Yes, sir." " Does he ever beat you?" " Ha-ha." "You bet." " Hard?" " And how." "Boy, there ain't nobody can beat like my pa can." "So this is where the antagonism comes from." "You hate your father, don't you?" "No." "Hey, I got an uncle I hate, though." "Every time he comes out to the house, he's wanting to wrestle with the mule and the mule gets all wore out and he gets all wore out." "Well, I don't really hate him, though." "It's just that I ain't exactly partial to him." "Did I ask you about your uncle?" "I thought you wanted to talk about hating people." "Now." "Now then." "Um..." "Girls." " How do you like girls?" " What girls is that, sir?" "Well, just girls." "Just any girls." "Well, I don't like just any girls." "There's this girl back home that ain't got hair no longer than a hound dog's and..." "Oh, no." "When I say "girls," I don't mean any specific girl." "I just mean, well, girls in general, you know?" "Heh." "Heh." "Women." "Uh..." "Sex." "Didn't that father of yours ever sit you down and have a talk with you?" "Well, sure he did." "Well?" "Well, what?" "Well, what did he say?" "Well, there's this one about these two traveling salesmen." "And their car breaks down in the middle of this terrible storm." " Stop." " They come running up to this farmhouse where this farmer's got these 14 daughters." " Stop." " Uh..." "Did you heared it already?" "I did not heared it already." "What'd you stop me for?" "It's a real knee-slapper." "See, these 14 daughters was all studying to become trombone players..." "Here, look." "You go." "You're through." "You're perfectly normal." "Just go." "Goodbye." "Go." "Goodbye." "Excuse me for saying it, sir but I don't think a fella your age would be so confused about it all if you went out and seen some girls once in a while." "Look, out." "Out!" "Yes, sir." "Fella's in pretty bad shape." " Where's Sergeant King?" " He said he'd meet you in the mess hall." "Something about he couldn't stand the strain on an empty stomach." "Oh." "Thank you." " Stockdale, Will." " Here." "Eye test in here." "I can't." "I gotta tell Sergeant King that..." "Get in there, Stockdale, on the double." "Yes, sir." "Just be an extra surprise for him." "What's keeping him so long?" "He's probably telling the psychiatrist how he dreams about his pet horse." "Oh, cut it out, will you?" "Ain't I got enough, sweating this out?" "Sergeant, can I have my application a minute?" "I got a feeling I'm doomed." "I'm doomed." "Of all the..." " What the heck you doing that for?" " Guess I changed my mind." "This whole thing started from you hollering to get into the infantry." "I changed my mind." "Why do I get all the nuts?" "There he is." "Hey, Will, come here, will you?" "Sorry to keep y'all waiting so long." "Pete, Irving." "Well, what happened, boy?" "How'd you do?" "Where's the form?" "Well, let me see it." "I wanna see what he had..." "He passed." "He got through." "He's normal." "Attaboy." "Yes, sir, you ought to see the way Will breezes through these tests." "One, two, three." "Bim-bam-boom." "Tomorrow morning, I'm gonna run him down to the little old eye test and by tomorrow night, he's out of here." "Gunnery school, well, Will boy?" "With your eyesight." "This boy told me that he could shoot the eye out of a turkey at a 100 yards?" "I already took the eye test." "Uh..." "What?" "Fella grabbed me on the way over here." "Well, what happened?" "Where's the form?" "Papers?" "Fella back there kept the papers, on account I was the last test." "He said it'd all come out on the bulletin board tomorrow." "Well, how'd you do?" "You passed, didn't you?" " Easy, huh?" " I don't know." "He seemed kind of angry most of the time." "What made you think he was angry?" "Well, he got sort of fussed when I was reading this here sign they had on the wall." "And that was right hard at first because they was real peculiar words like:" "lp, gnxl and buglump." "You were supposed to read them letters one at a time." "Didn't make much sense that way neither." "Hey, hey, hey." "Take a look at the colonel and the wife captain that come in the base." "Boy, is she stacked." "Women officers, that's one thing I sure don't cotton to." "What about you, Stockdale?" " What do you think of them?" " I ain't never seen one." "Ain't you got eyes?" "Will, I want you to turn around very slowly and look very carefully this time and tell me exactly what you see." "I see a colonel..." "Yeah." "And a captain." "That's all." "And the captain's a woman, isn't she?" "I don't notice whether it's a man or a woman or what." "All I see is a captain." "That's all." "Yeah." "Oh, no, no, no." "What's the matter, sergeant, you got a fly in your coffee?" " Can I get you some fresh hot?" " Oh, no, no, Will." "No." "Just go on your way." " Your own special way." " Thanks, sergeant." "Hey, it sure makes me proud to know you're sure about me getting classified." "He sure didn't pass no eye test." "And he ain't gonna be classified." "And I'm gonna be permanent latrine orderly." "How big do they grow them turkeys down there?" "No, he can't do this to me." "I'm old and I'm tired and my constitution needs peace and security." "Look, sarge." "Sarge." "If he wasn't to get classified and it wasn't your fault, that'd be all right, wouldn't it?" "How?" "How?" "Supposing he didn't show up for inspection tomorrow?" "And when he finally did show, he'd been drinking, shall we say?" "Listen, Irving, I even got so I kind of like the kid." "And I ain't one to go too far outside regulations." "But if you got an idea, I'm desperate." "All you gotta do is wangle us three passes." "We'll take him to the Purple Grotto for a little celebration." "We could take him tonight." "Yeah, we could." "Well, Will, here we are again." "Round two." "I sure do appreciate this." "I still don't feel right, my glass being so much bigger than you alls." "Guest of honor always gets the biggest glass." "That's the honor." " To Will." " To Will." " Again?" " Come on, come on, come on." "Ha-ha-ha." "Whee." "Your Scotch stuff tastes kind of sharp." "I like the other stuff you give me better." " You mean the bourbon?" " No, gin." "Yeah." "More tangy than sharp." "Sure was nice of you to give me this celebration party, sergeant." "But I still wish Ben could've come along too." "Just couldn't wangle it." "Outside of you, Ben's the only one left responsible enough for barracks duty." "And tomorrow, we got a real inspection." "The colonel's coming." "Yeah, Ben's sharp." "Come on, Will, drink it up." "Drink it up." "Well, I reckon we ought to be heading on back." "With the colonel coming tomorrow I wanna give Ben a hand and get the barracks cleaned up real special." "Wait a minute, wait a minute." "I told you I was gonna give you my watch and I'm gonna give you my watch." "We gotta have several, several drinks on that." "Golly." "My mother gave it to me." "To Will Stockdale I am proud of him for getting classified so good and for cleaning up the latrine and all." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Whoo-hoo!" "To Sergeant King." "The best dang sergeant there is in the whole danged Air Force." "Ahhh." "By dog, from a jug, it don't taste sharp at all, does it?" "Will, are you absolutely sure that you never drank any whiskey before, at all?" "Never no store whiskey, just some old stuff my pa makes." " Some old stuff that your pa..." " Yeah." "Corn liquor kind of." "You know, corn, grain, kerosene." " Kerosene?" " Kerosene?" "Just a mite for flavoring." "Where the heck are we gonna get some kerosene?" "Cigars, cigarettes?" "And anything else you wanna smoke." "Cigars, cigarettes?" "Why, thank you." " This ought to come near it." " Sure." "He wants kerosene, he gets kerosene." "It's familiar." "Hey, there's a infan..." "Hey, infantry." "Hi." "Let's drink one to the infantry." " Have a drink." "We're celebrating." " Hi, Jack." "Thanks a lot." "I do not mind if I do." " To the infantry." " To the infantry." "To the infantry." "So..." "Say, I didn't know you fly boys were so nice to the infantry." "Hey, heck, it's the air age and you're our helpers, ain't you?" " Your what?" " Our helpers." "Don't think we don't appreciate it too." "Listen, listen, fellas." "You're a nice bunch of fellas." "Fellas, you got it easier than anybody, even the Navy." "Easy." "We got the roughest, toughest, meanest sergeants in the whole service." "Go on." "You don't know what a tough sergeant is until you've been in the infantry." "Ain't nobody tougher than my sergeant." "He's tough." "I sure am." "Oh, sergeant." "I'm a louse." "I don't know, sergeant." "You seem to be a pretty decent Joe to me." " You take that back." " All right." "I'll just bet you five bucks I'm a bigger louse than you and I'm just a private." " Yeah?" "Put up or shut up." " Yeah, put up or shut up." "What's a bigger louse than a louse that'll drink your booze and then punch you right in the guts?" " Put up or shut up." " Oh, says who?" "Sergeant, I think we ought to be going on back now." "Go away, you're drunk." "Oh-ho." "Come on, infantry, let's get the fly boys." "Oh..." "Oh!" "I done hit him once, Irving, ain't no use to overdoing it." "Now, you see, you antagonized him, sergeant." "I think we ought to be going on home, anyhow." "All right, just a minute." "I know you're having a whole lot of fun so I won't stay around and be a wet blanket." "Okay, I'm going on back to the barracks." "Hush a minute, hush a minute." "I'm gonna go on back and give Ben a hand." " Is this the Purple Grotto?" " Right up yonder." "Couple of thirsty fellas for you." " Ain't the sergeant showed up yet?" " Nope." " Why didn't you come to breakfast?" " Went over to carpenter shop." " What're you doing there?" " Fixing up something special." "It ain't everyday a colonel comes to inspect." "I sure wish the sergeant was here." "Like I told you, he was having a whole lot of fun." "But he'll show up." "Sergeant King, he ain't gonna miss no inspection if he can help it." "The heck he ain't." "Here comes the captain now." "And the colonel." " Going round front." " Oh, golly." " Who's gonna report?" " Hey, you're in charge." " Me?" " Yeah." "Barracks ready for inspection, sir." " Barracks ready for inspection, sir." " Here." "Listen, when you throw open this door, holler "Attention," just as loud as you can." "Okay?" "Okay." "Okay." "Barracks ready for inspection, sir." "Where's Sergeant King?" "I don't know, sir, but the barracks are ready for inspection." "All right, all right." "Just for a starter, I'd like you to take a look at this latrine." "There's a man in this barracks whose latrine work is quite surprising." "Attention!" "Latrine ready for inspection, sir." "Latrine ready for inspection, sir." "What is the idea behind this?" "Welcoming the colonel, sir." "I'm sorry, sir." "Oh, that's all right, captain." "I've been welcomed in many ways." "Ticker tape, flags waving." "Women of a French village once three rose buds at me." "But this..." "This is just..." "Well, I don't know." "They didn't hardly inspect the latrine at all." "I don't know, Will." "They..." "They, oh..." "Sergeant." "Lieutenant back there almost spotted me." " You all right?" " I ain't sure." " Hey, where's Irving?" " MP's got him." " Golly." "Very nice, captain." "Thank you, sir." " The colonel?" " Yeah." "Hey, they inspected in here already." "Hey watch out for that treadle." "Very good, indeed." "Mm-hm." "Excellent." "Excellent." "Were you in charge during your sergeant's absence?" "Yes, sir." "Complete charge." "I think you should make a note of this man's name." "Yes, indeed, sir." " What is it, private?" " Whitledge, sir." "Whitledge, sir." " What's that again, private?" " Whitledge, sir." "W-H-l-T-L-E-D-G-E." " What the devil is...?" " What's going on in there?" "Latrine's out of order, sir." "You're gonna have to use the one next door." "Let me in there." "This is the barracks sergeant, sir." "How are you, sir?" "All slicked up for inspection." "Explain." "Explain." "Well, sir I went to a movie last night, sir." "And there were these eight infantry men sitting right in behind me." "And they was cussing out the Air Force and saying as how that their officers were more understanding than our officers." " So you fought them all night long?" " Yes, sir, it was awful." "What was the name of the movie?" " Movie?" " The movie." "Oh." "Forward March." "American Battalion." "Out of the Air." "Up in the Wild Blue?" "It was a sneak preview." "Captain, I don't know how this man ever got on my base but he's certainly not going to remain here." "Corrupting new airmen with this horrible example." "Ship him out." "There's a group leaving for gunnery school today." "Splendid." "General Bush can always use another private." "Private?" "Private." "Private." "That name was Whitledge, sir." "W-H-l-T-L..." " Whitledge, eh?" " Yes, sir." "This is going on your record, Whitledge." "This is going on everybody's record." "Something special for the colonel." "You ain't a sergeant no more." "No, I ain't a sergeant no more." "I'm a private." "A 45-year-old private." "Gosh." " He's putting it on my record." " Gosh, Ben..." "There's one silver lining to this cloud, though, by George." "You're staying here, but I'm going to gunnery school a thousand miles away." "Sergeant?" " Private." "I ain't staying here." "I'm going to gunnery school like you are." "They took you?" "You passed the eye test?" "It's on the bulletin board." "It was your helping done it for me." " Oh, no, no, no." " We're gonna be together." "I've had about all I can take." "You and him be together, just leave me out of it." " But we're buddies." " Buddies?" "Last night you said you was proud of me." "I was drunk." "I didn't know what I was saying." " You give me your watch." " I was drunk." "Not when you put me in charge of the latrine." "You talk to him." "Maybe you can get through." "Cleaning the latrine isn't a good job, Will." "It's the worst job there is." "It's a punishment job." "It is." "Now do you understand?" "There's your buddy." "Make trouble for him for a change." "Great." "You thought you were gonna miss him, so you tore up your transfer." "Well, you don't look so glad about it now." "You tore up your transfer, Ben?" "It was just an application, that's all." "To the infantry." "It doesn't make any difference now." "After this, I couldn't get transferred to a troop of mules." "I didn't know you done that." " Just forget about it, will you?" " You ain't sore at me?" "I ain't jumping up and down, you can say that again." "You ain't nothing but trouble since we met running around acting like a big, dang donkey." "I'll make it up to you, Ben, honest I will." "Just forget about it, will you?" "Don't try to do nothing." "Oh, we'll still speak because we'll be in the same outfit and that's the military way but forget about it." "We'll both be better off." " Ben, please..." " Gotta go pack for gunnery school." "Oh, yeah." "Well, Ben, Sergeant King and me, we all went to gunnery school together." "Like The Three Musketeers." "And they put us on this here squadron on this here air base?" "And it was way out in the middle of the country." "You know, out of the way of the other outfits." "And the planes is what they call obsolete and the officer crews that run them, well, they wasn't kept up very much either." "I guess it's what you might call a second-line-of-defense outfit." "But, anyhow, Ben and me was put on the same flight crew because they put you according to how you come in your class and we was the bottom two." "Sergeant King though, he came out on top." "He did." "The instructor said they never seen nothing like it." "It was just as if he had copies of the test before they gave them." "All right, boys, get this one off and you can all get back to sleep." "Hey, look at you with an arm band and a writing pad and everything." "All right, get on the plane." "You're taking off right now." "Hey, we can't." "Everybody ain't here yet." "The radio operator and the front gunner, they ain't showed up." "All right." "Get onboard the plane." "Get moving." "Clear." "How come we're going up so early, sergeant?" "To break the sound barrier." "You gotta sneak up on it when nobody's looking." "Oh." "Excuse me, sir." " Excuse me, sirs." "Howdy." " What the...?" "It's all right, George." "He's one of the crew." "Okay, okay." "Don't come sneaking up on people like that, fella." "Sorry, sir." "I just wanted to see what you all do up here." "It's on automatic pilot." " Did you already let up the wheels?" " Heck, yes." "Shucks." " What are you all do in back, anyhow?" " Nothing much." "I mostly look out the blister and sweep up a little." "Good night." "Excuse me, sir." "Take an awful long time to get to Denver, Colorado." "What they doing up there?" "Oh, you'd be right proud of them, Ben." "They're working real hard." "Steering and navigating and engineering and all." "Navigator to pilot." "Navigator to pilot, over." "Pilot to navigator." "Fred, I wish you wouldn't call me once we're off the ground." "We're over the Gulf of Mexico, you idiot." "How can we be over the Gulf of Mexico when there's a city below us half the size of New York?" "You wanna come back here and check the maps?" "I figured our position by dead reckoning and we're smack-dab in the middle of the Gulf of Mexico." "Hey, fellas, Number 2 engine is dead." "Okay." " Prepare for landing." " This is not a seaplane." "Copilot to rear gunner." "Copilot to rear gunner." "Over." "Howdy." "Have you seen anything below that might have been a body of water?" "No, sir, I ain't seen nothing." "I been sweeping up." "What is the matter with that radio operator?" "Pilot to radio operator." " Pilot to radio operator." "Over." " Copilot to radio operator." "Over." " Navigator to radio operator." "Over?" " Rear gunner to everybody." "Radio operator missed the plane." " Oh, no." " Oh, no." " Over." " Listen, rear gunner you ought to know how to operate that radio." "See if you can find out where we are." "This is an emergency." "We know exactly where we are." "Hey, sir, you ought to give the job to the other gunner." "I reckon he'd be about the best dang radio operator there is in the whole danged Air Force." "All right, just put somebody on that lousy radio!" "Over and out!" "Hey, hey, hey, Ben." "Hey, listen." "Hey, hey, wake up, Ben." " What?" " Listen, it's an emergency." "We're lost and Lieutenant Bridges wants you to be the radio operator and find out where we are." "It's your big chance, Ben, to save the plane and us and everything." " Me?" " They heard what a good soldier you was." "Golly." "Oh, Lord." " Hey, here's some instructions." " Good." "Read them off." "I'll operate and you be my assistant." "Assistant?" "Yes, sir." "Heh-heh." "Um..."lmportant notice." "The taxpayers of the United States paid their..."" " Here." "You operate, I'll read." " Oh, but they gave the job to you, Ben." "Go on." "I gotta think for the good of the outfit." ""Two." "Turn oscillator control knob..."" "I think that's the big one there." ""...to transmission frequency desired."" "Well, what frequency do we desire?" "Well, I'll leave that up to you." "Alrighty." ""Adjust Knob B so as to obtain minimum impedance."" "Hey, listen, Ben." "We got a little old radio on the porch whenever it won't work, Pa spits in the back of it and whomps it a good and it works every time." "Let's see." "There you are, she's a-working." " She's a-working." " We done it, Will." "Hello?" "Hello?" "There." "Ha-ha." "I told you I'd find an airport." "That's a drive-in movie." "Pull up." "Pull up." "Pull up." "Hello?" "If you get somebody, be careful what you say." " It might be the enemy." " What enemy?" " I don't know, but be careful." " Okay." "Hello?" "Hello?" "Sergeant." "I'm clear on one." "Door." "Excuse me, sir, but I'm getting a very odd signal here." "Listen." "in 5930, chap." "Over." "That is odd." "Sounds like somebody spitting." "Okay, Will, try it again." "Yes, sir." "Hello?" "Hello?" "Anybody there?" " Hello?" " Hello." " Hello." " Hello?" "Howdy." " Hey, Ben, I got somebody." "How about that?" "Who are you?" "Where are you?" "Ben, he wants to know who we are." "Answer me." "Who the devil are you?" "He talks like an American, Ben." "Ben says, "First, who are you?"" "This is command post Operation Prometheus." " Are you in an airplane?" " Sure are." " Oh, great Scott." " No, sir." "Stockdale." "That must be this pip on the scope, sir." " Heading straight towards the tower, sir." " Judas priest." " Is this the Gulf of Mexico?" " No, you idiot." " Send word to stop the detonator." " It's too late, sir." "Zero-minus-4." "Hey, where'd you say we was?" "You're right over Yucca Flats, Nevada." "The atomic proving ground." "Listen to me." "I want you to turn that plane around and head right back where you came from." "There they are." "Straight toward the tower." "Ben says, "Sorry." "Our orders come from General Bush." "We got to do like he says. "" " Eugene Bush?" " Our commanding general." " Fat fellow with a mustache." " I might've known." "Get me through to General Bush." "That idiot, I'll kill him for this." "Get me General Bush, 12th Air Group." "Emergency." "All right." "I don't care what Ben says or what Eugene Bush said." "I'm a general too, in the U.S. Army infantry." "The infantry?" "Yes, and I'm ordering you to turn that plane around this minute." "You're heading straight into..." "Hello?" "Hello?" " Great Scott, I've lost them." " He's right here, sir." "Bush here." "Eugene, this is Vernon Pollard." "Vernon." "Well, how are you, old boy?" "You've sabotaged my operation, you idiot." "You were ordered to send your plane far away and one is coming over us." "I sent them away, Vernon." " I sent them to Denver." " I don't care where you sent them." " What's wrong with your communications?" " What's wrong with your security measures, old boy?" "Shut up and listen." "I'm trying to reestablish radio contact." "What kind of idiot radio operators do you put in planes?" "What kind of idiot radio operators did you put in those planes?" "I'll skin you for this, Eugene." "Sir, I've got that signal again." "Hello?" "Twenty-three, stand by." "Hello?" "Hello, listen, here's your General Bush." "They got General Bush there, Ben." "Eugene, I'm putting the telephone next to the microphone." "Tell this idiot to turn back." "Hello?" "Who is this?" " Private Stockdale, sir." " This is General Bush, Stockdale." " Stockdale?" " Don't move, King." "Tell your pilot to reverse course immediately." " You're in extreme danger." " Roger, sir." "Wilco." "Ben says, "How do we know you are General Bush?"" "Tell him Sergeant King will give him his watch." " What?" "Huh?" " It's the only way, sir." "Sergeant King will give his watch." " He will?" " I think so." "That's good enough for me." "I'll go tell Lieutenant Bridges." "I'll tell him this personal." "Excuse me, lieutenant, but we talked with General Bush and he says we're in real danger and you should reverse course quick as a wink." " Danger?" "Where are we?" " Smack-dab over Yucca Flats, Nevada." "Holy Pete." "Hey, I just wanted to tell you what a good job Ben done." "Maybe you could recommend him for a promotion or something." " Shut up." "Don't bother me." " But, lieutenant maybe you could get him a medal or something." "Get back to your station!" "Don't bother me!" "Don't bother me again for anything!" "That's an order!" "Yes, sir." "Twenty seconds, sir." "It's working, sir." "They're turning." "You did it, Eugene." "They're turning." "There they go." "They're still turning." "No." "They're heading for the tower again." "Ten seconds, sir." "It's all your fault, Eugene." "You've never forgiven me for those hazings back at the point." "It's all your fault, you blundering idiot." " For 30 years you've been out to get me." "Five, four..." " And now you're out to wreck my career." " three, two, one, zero." "What happened?" "What happened?" " Look, we're on fire!" " We got to jump out!" "I got to tell them up front!" "No, they said they didn't want to be bothered about anything no matter what!" " But we can't leave like that!" " They said it was an order, Ben!" " No, Will!" "Hang on!" "Pull to the left!" "No, pull to the right!" "Hold still, Ben." "What'd you do it for?" "You snatched me right out of the plane!" "What'd you do it for?" "Well, I know you didn't have time to put on your parachute." "And heck, you'd have done the same for me." "No, I wouldn't." "Our post was the tail of the plane and nobody told us to quit it." "But the tail was on fire, Ben." "Our post was a-quitting us." "Do you know what we are now?" " Well, we're alive." " We're deserters." "Deserters!" "Quit wiggling, Ben." "Please." "The first lick of danger and you snatch me away from it." "I'd rather be a dead hero than a live deserter." "I ain't gonna drop you no matter what you say." "Hey, we can slip through here and nobody'll see us." "We're in for it and we ought to report back through the gate." "That's military." "Yeah, and have them grab us before we get to the general?" "No, by dog, we'll report to General Bush's office and explain to him in person." "It'll be all right, Ben, you'll see." "Everything seems happy." "Sounds like they're having a band concert." "Oh, Will." "It'll be all right, Ben, they'll give us some new uniforms." "Yeah, with numbers on the back." "Let's see." "Bush's office is on the other side." "We'll just slip along cautious-like and keep cover along the buildings." "How about that?" "It's some kind of real big ceremony." "Look, the flag, it's at half-mast." "It's a funeral ceremony, that's what it is." "Lieutenant Brides and them others, they didn't get out of the plane." "Now we got that on our heads too." "Oh, now, Ben, they wasn't so easygoing they wouldn't know they was on fire." "We'll find out when we report to the general." " Everything'll come out real dandy." " Yeah, sure." "Ten days ago, in Operation Prometheus the power of the atom bomb was challenged by a band of battle-hardened air aces." "Well, brush, man, brush." "That's genuine leather." " Here, watch that sleeve." " The grandstands are full, sir." "You're darned right they are." "Those men are on duty." "All leaves were canceled today." "Senator Hawk and Senator Winkle have come out of the reviewing stand." " Good." "Good." "My car here, Baker?" " I'm certain it is." "I'll check." "Abel, check and see if those idiot officers are on hand to be decorated." "Yes, sir." "Two did not return." "Two did not return." "In the shattered tail of the plane all that remained were two charred flight helmets and a handful of dust." "Excuse me, sir, I..." "What the devil are you men doing here?" "Well, you see, sir, we come to..." "Your uniform is filthy, boy." "I know, sir." "We hitchhiked some, but we had to walk a lot and..." "People are coming from miles around." "Generals, senators to do homage to two enlisted men." "Your brothers-in-arms." "And you don't even have enough courtesy and respect to put on a decent uniform." " Sir, please, I'd like to turn myself in." " He didn't jump, sir." "I pulled him out." "The car is ready, sir." "What squadron are you men in?" " The ninth squadron, sir." " The ninth?" "Stackpole and Whitehead's own outfit." " Stockdale and Whitledge, sir." " Stockdale and Whitledge, sir." "Well, whoever they were." "Now, you two are going right back into that conference room until I finish this ceremony." "And then we'll see if we can put a little decency and esprit de corps into you." "Dirty uniforms." "Today of all days." "Well, you men heard the orders." "Get in there." "Well, we turned ourselves in, I think." "Yeah, wait until he finds out that besides wearing dirty uniforms, we're deserters." "Ah-ah." "What's the matter?" "Lieutenant Bridges on the back cover." "I wished you would look." "General Bush has just taken his place on the reviewing stand  and now the four lieutenants who braved the atomic blast  and will receive the Air Medal, are bravely mounting the platform." "The lieutenants." "They're alive." "They're getting medals." "They're heroes." "Golly." "If we'd have stayed on, we'd have been heroes." "It is a solemn moment, ladies and gentlemen." "The many visiting dignitaries standing at attention  the flag at half-mast in honor of the two men  who gave their lives in Operation Prometheus  Privates Stockdale and Whitledge." " Stockdale and Whitledge?" " Stockdale and Whitledge?" "Yes, Stockdale and Whitledge." "Names that will live as long as men are free." "We are heroes, Ben." "But we ain't dead." "Well, that makes it even better, don't it?" "They think we're heroes and we're a couple of rotten, no-good deserters." "Golly, will they be surprised." "They'll kill us, that's what they'll do." "They'll kill us." "Hi." "You've gone crazy." "Seeing things." "Howdy, sergeant." "Private Whitledge reporting for duty after an unforeseen delay, sir." "I bet you never expected to see us again, but here we are." "No, no, no." "Didn't I tell you he'd be surprised, Ben?" " Why ain't you dead?" " No excuse, sir." " You ain't dead." "You ain't dead." " Well, see, I had my parachute on." "I was the one who identified your remains." "Two charred helmets and a handful of dust." " They're having a big ceremony down there." " Yeah." "Ten days ago, in Operation Prometheus  the power of the atom bomb was challenged..." " Is that the general?" " The general." " Is he giving us medals?" " Medals." " Now, there you go, Ben." " General." "Medals." "Now, get back in that room." " Hey, that's no way to act, sergeant." " Just get in there." "Ben and me is alive and you..." "Stay where you are." "Oh, I don't deserve this, I don't deserve..." "Captain." "Captain." "Captain!" "We'll be shot." "No, it's just he's kind of surprised right now." "Later on they'll all be glad we're here." "You'll see." "Sergeant, will you...?" "Will you...?" "What's the matter?" "Sar..." "Are you nuts?" "No." "Oh..." "Don't move, you understand?" "Just don't move." "Don't move or I'll have you shot!" "You, get over to that reviewing stand on the double." "Tell the general to stop proceedings." "There's radio, television and newsreel cameras there." "If he gives out posthumous medals to two men who are in his own office he'll be the laughing stock of the whole country." "Step on it!" "Stay away from those windows, you understand?" "Stay away from those doors." "And if anybody comes in here, you tell them you're..." "John Jones and Jack Smith." "You got that?" "Yes, sir." "They're gonna kill us." " They're gonna kill us." " No, they ain't." "Breathe deep." "What's going on here?" "Sergeant King just jumped an air policeman and stole his motorcycle." "The two men who are getting the posthumous medals, they're inside." " The medals?" " No, the men." " You're drunk." " Go ahead." "Look." " Who are you?" " I'm John Jones and this here is Jack Smith." "Jim, if you're trying to be comical, it'll be the last time because jokes about the dead is carrying it a little bit too far." "Well, did you stop him in time?" "Sir, I informed him of the situation and advised him that contrary to intelligence..." "In English, you idiot." "Had he presented the medals or had he not?" "Yes, sir, he had, sir." " Holy." " Well, what did he say?" "Well, sir, he said..." "I'll court-martial everybody in the whole damned Air Force." "That's what he said, sir." "Where are they?" "Where are they?" "Where are those two privates who hold my career in the palm of their hands?" "In there, sir." "You two." "Yes, sir." "We got back as quick as we could." "And I sure do appreciate you giving us medals and all and setting the flags at half-mast." "Well, I got the whole thing figured out too, sir." "Well, you know that handful of dust Sergeant King was talking about?" "Well, that's all it was." "A handful of dust." "Heh." "If I'd had known you all was gonna think it was us, I'd have swept it under a seat." "But, anyhow, what it comes down to is we ain't dead." "Ten minutes ago, in front of half the brass in the continental United States I awarded the Air Medal to a handful of sweepings." "Do you know what this is gonna do to me when this story gets out?" "Sir, I didn't know." "Tomorrow I will probably be known throughout the entire Pentagon as old Dustpan." "I've got to get those two men off my base." "If anybody sees them, if anybody hears them..." "Sir, couldn't you transfer them to another base?" "Shut up." "What?" "Oh." "Oh." "Yes." "You go over to S-1 and get as many DD-613 forms as you can lay your hands on." " Yes, sir." "You, go out and get another car and bring it around back." " Quietly." " Yes, sir." "Get a command car and put the curtains up all around." "Well, they put us in this here command car  and took us way out here in the woods, real secret like  with all kinds of guards around us and everything." "You know what to do." "Challenge everybody." "Nightmare." "Nightmare." "If anybody fails to give it, shoot." "Okay, sentries, take your posts on the double." "Are you sure we've got the whole area surrounded?" "I think so, sir." "I've never done anything like this before." "Well, do you think I have?" "General, it sure is exciting, ain't it?" "Where's Ben?" "Look, you just stand right over there and let me handle this, please." "What the devil is keeping General Pollard?" "Are the forms ready for him to sign?" "Corporal's working on them, sir." " That must be Pollard's car now." " Yes, sir." " Speed him up." " Yes, sir." "Halt." "Advance and give the password." "Great Scott, they've shot Pollard." "Stop." "Stop." "Eugene, tell these idiots to stop shooting." "It's me." "Vernon." "Give the password." "I've forgotten the damned thing." "Nightmare." "Nightmare!" "Nightmare, you stupid..." "Come back here, you." "Look, here, Eugene, you're carrying this thing a little too far." "I'm sorry, Vernon, the sentries are nervous." "No reason for that." " Nightmare!" " Nightmare!" "What's that?" "I'm sorry, Vernon, it's the other dead hero." "The talkative one." "I put him in the trunk for total security." "Ben's in the trunk?" "How about that?" " Get him out, Stockdale." " Yes, sir." "Listen, Eugene, they could lower the boom on us, pulling a deal like this." "We are in trouble, Vernon." "Clear up to our pensions." "Now, come on and sign those papers." "Howdy, Ben." "Oh..." "I knew it." "I knew it." "They got us out in the middle of no man's land." "Oh, I don't know." "I think it's kind of pleasant." "Goodbye, Will." " We just got here, Ben." " And we ain't never going back." "Will, I know you didn't do it on purpose and I know there wasn't no meanness behind it." "I forgive you." " Then we're buddies again?" " For a little while." "All right, Whitledge, you first." "Sentry, take him in there, have him sign everything in triplicate." " Bye, Will." " Bye, Ben." "Golly, is he gonna be surprised." "You know, everybody's all the time saying how sergeants is mean and tough." "So I'm right glad you was my first one because you showed me different." "Why, thank you, Will." "All right, Will, I'm gonna give you the watch anyway." " Oh, gee, I never held that against you." " Oh, go on and take it." "My mother would be glad for you to have it." "We're square now." "I don't owe you nothing and you don't owe me nothing." "We're square." " King?" " Yeah." "What's the matter with that Whitledge?" "He keeps saying he's sorry he has only one life to give for his country." "He figures you brought us out here to get shot." " Shot?" " Shot." "Ridiculous." "All these witnesses, Vernon." "Take a smoke." "Ahem." "All right, Stockdale, I just have a couple of letters for you to sign and then we'll be through with this whole mess." "This one's to your folks saying that you're on a very important secret mission." "This one certifies you've never heard of Operation Prometheus and have never been on my base in your entire life." "Sign here." "But, if we never heard of Operation What You Call lt we don't get no medals, do we?" " Medals?" "Of course not." "Sign here." "Ben, he sets a whole lot of stock in medals and things like that." "You want me to present a medal out in the woods in the middle of the night?" "That's right." "Hey, we can get everybody standing up all around and turn one of the cars around so the lights are shining." " Hey, maybe get a little music on the radio." " No, no." "I don't have any medals." "Hey, driver, would you mind turning?" " Come back." " How long is this going to take, Eugene?" " I didn't bring any medals." "Now what?" "I wanna get to bed." "You hear me?" "I said I didn't have any..." "Oh..." "What are you staring at?" "Vernon, old man, I wonder if you'd give me one of your medals?" "What?" "Just one, Vernon, please." "You've got so many of them." " What are you talking about, Eugene?" " Stockdale wants a medal." "That does it." "He goes to Leavenworth." "No, no." "We might go with him." "Vernon, if you give me one of yours, I'll give you two of mine." " I swear I will." " But these medals are sewn on." "Sewn?" "Yes, by heavens." "His medals are sewn on." "I got my mumblety-peg knife." "Just a small one, please, Vernon?" "I'll do this in private, if you don't mind." "This is radio station WQUID  now presenting a medley of your favorite band music." "There's nothing else you can think of at this moment, is there?" "You do realize why we don't have a brass band, don't you?" "I wouldn't worry about that none, sir." "This here'll do fine." "I'll just get everybody lined up over here." " Y'all come on in!" "Resist!" "On the double!" "Everybody come on in!" "On the double." "Come on." "Line up, boy, right here." "Come on." "Come on, give me the papers." "Line up on the double." "I've been blackmailed, I've been shanghaied, I've been shot at and now I've been robbed." "By dog." "Boy, Ben's gonna pop his shirt when both of you generals snap to attention." " Do what?" " Vernon, please." "Never." "I'll stand at attention." "I'll stand on my head if you'll just sign these papers." "I'll go fetch Ben." " Have the orders to read?" " Yes, sir." " Good." " I'll get Ben." "Come on, Ben." "No, Will." "Don't they give you one last request or something?" "All right, you asked for it." "Come out and get it." "That's right, Ben." "Now, strut right up to the general and salute." "He's got something he's gonna give you." "I know." "Goodbye, Will." "King." ""The following enlisted men are hereby relieved of duty and removed from the records of Major General Eugene Bush and transferred to the command of Major General Vernon Pollard U.S. Army infantry."" " What?" " Private Benjamin B. Whitledge." " Private Will Stockdale." " We're in the infantry, Ben." " The infantry?" " Yeah." "Well, so long, boys." "It's been swell knowing you." " So long, sergeant." " So long, sergeant." "Wish I could be going along with you, but that's life." "Hey, couldn't he, sir?" "Couldn't he go along with us?" "Brilliant idea, Stockdale." "Brilliant." "No, no, no." " We are still gonna be together." " In the infantry." "What happened?" "Detail, attention." "That's one thing I won't do." "Station WQUID signing off." "It gives me great pleasure to award this Air Medal which through a regrettable error was previously awarded posthumously to Private Benjamin B. Whitledge U.S. Army infantry." "Present arms."