"(music) Thank you for being a friend" "(music) Traveled down the road and back again" "(music) Your heart is true" "(music) You're a pal and a confidante" "(music) And if you threw a party" "(music) Invited everyone you knew" "(music) You would see The biggest gift would be from me" "(music) And the card attached would say" "(music) Thank you for being a friend (music)" "Oh, where is he now?" "This remodeling job is never going to be finished." "Relax." "He'll be back." "Who wants him back?" "He's a thief." "I haven't seen a crime like this in a garage since the St. Valentine's Day Massacre." "Ma, you did not see the St. Valentine's Day Massacre." "Oh, yeah, right." "I was at the movies that day." "All day." "Hi, ladies." "Looks nice, doesn't it?" "No, Ernie." "It looks exactly as it did last week and the week before that." "When is this garage going to start looking like a guest room?" "I don't know." "I was talking about my new suit." "Ernie, this is a serious matter." "We have family coming in a few weeks." "You promised it would be finished." "Mrs. Devereaux, do you want it fast, or do you want it good?" "Before you answer that, Blanche, he's talking about a guest room." "If we don't start seeing results, you are out of here." "Do you know it's hard to find a good contractor?" "Yes, and you're living proof." "Ernie, she didn't mean that." "She just got up on the wrong side of a cold, lonely, empty bed." "Good-looking lady like her sleeps alone?" "I'm shocked." "You're letting a man with taste like that remodel our garage?" "He's got us over a barrel." "I remember the last time a man had me over a barrel." " I was at a keg party at the marina." " We have a guest." "Hi, Al." "Hi, girls." "Pour some champagne." "We're celebrating Al's retirement." "So you finally went through with it?" "Yep." "I finally called it quits at the deli." "Sold it all." "Lox, stock and barrel." "Get it? "Lox."" "He made up that joke yesterday, but it's just as funny now as it was then." "Some jokes are timeless." "So, tell me, Al, what do you intend doing with your retirement?" "Well, Monday, I'm gonna sleep late." " [Blanche] What's after Monday?" " Tuesday." "Basically, I'm ready for anything." "Today is the first day of the second half of my life." "I gotta run." "I'll see you tonight." " Bye, all." " [Dorothy, Blanche] Bye, Al." "Bye." "Oh, girls, I am so excited." "Now that Al's retired, we'll have so much time together." "He's pretty special to you, isn't he?" "Oh, he's more than special." "I think I'm falling for him." "But then who wouldn't?" "He's sensitive, he's caring." "And he thinks I'm neater than hard salami." "Did he actually tell you that, Rose?" "I shouldn't have repeated it." "It was said in a moment of passion." "Okay, see you mañana, ladies." "Where are you going?" "You've only been here ten minutes." " I'll be back tomorrow." " Ernie." "Listen to me, and listen good." "If you walk out that door now, you can forget about coming back." "I sound like I'm on Ryan's Hope." "Fine." "See ya." "Dorothy, what are we gonna do now?" "I don't know." "This is such a mess." "Seems to me we have two choices:" "One, beg Ernie's forgiveness;" "or two, find another contractor." "Or three, the Sicilian method:" "Torch the garage, collect the insurance, and build a summer house with an ocean view." "Personally, I like number three." "I'm sorry, but that's more than we're willing to spend for a guest room." "Yes, I do know the expression, "You get what you pay for."" "I also know the expression, "There's a sucker born every minute."" "Oh, yes, I..." "I do know that expression, too." "That was the last contractor in the book." "I am so fed up with all of these people, I'm ready to give up." "You can't give up." "You're no quitter." "Just think of the many times you have been dumped by a man." "Did you quit dating?" "No, ma'am." "You sank even lower, scraping the bottom of the barrel, facing certain humiliation." " And why?" " Thanks, Blanche." "I get the point." "I mean it, Dorothy." "Why?" " [Blanche] Hi, Rose." " Hi." "What's wrong?" "I just spent the afternoon with Al." " What happened?" " Nothing." "All he wants to do is sit around and watch television." "That happens with people when they retire." "Maybe you should talk to him about it." "Maybe you're right." "Everybody, I found the perfect guy to convert the garage." " Follow me." " [Dorothy] Oh!" "Everybody, this is Vincenzo." "Ma, who is Vincenzo?" "Who he is doesn't matter." "It's who he used to be." "Thirty years ago, this man was one of Italy's foremost architects, respected the world over, creator of some of Europe's most beautiful cathedrals." "Isn't that right, Vincenzo?" "[Mumbles, chuckles]" "Today, he's a pathetic shell of a man who spends all day looking up women's dresses." "Relax." "He doesn't speak a word of English." "Watch." " Vincenzo?" " Eh?" "You're a wrinkled old pervert, right?" "Si." "But, Sophia, Vincenzo can't do all this work by himself." "He can't do any of the work." "He'll be the brains." "He'll tell me what to do in Italian, I'll tell you, you do the work." "Forget it." "We're not carpenters." "It's worth a try." "The job's already half done." "So, do I tell Vincenzo we got a deal?" "Wait." "What does he want to charge us?" "I'll ask him." "Vincenzo, quanto costa?" "Costa?" "Oh." "Gratis." "Gratis." "[Speaking in Italian]" "[Italian]" "[Chortling]" "He says he'll do it for nothing." "He likes getting away from the center, he likes working, and he likes being in the company of pretty young girls." " Oh, well." " Oh." "Since he puts it that way, how can we refuse?" " It's a deal." " Good." "Here's a list of the pretty young girls he wants." "[Doorbell rings]" " Hi, Al." " Rose, you look beautiful." "Oh." "Thank you." "I know we're just going to the movies, but I felt like dressing up." "About the movies, would you mind if we didn't go?" "Well, no." "What do you feel like doing?" "We'll do what we did last night." " We didn't do anything." " Sounds good to me." "Al, we have to talk." "Can't it wait till after Moonlighting?" "There's a special episode on tonight." "It's only been rerun three times." "Al, what has gotten into you lately?" "Before you retired, you were the most active man I ever knew." "I had to run to keep up with you." "Now you're nothing but a couch potato." "You should do more." "You've earned it." "Isn't there one thing you've always dreamed of doing?" " I always dreamed of retiring." " [Sighs]" "I just don't want you to wake up one day and think that you've missed the opportunity to do something great." "Rose, it sounds like you're maybe just bored with me." "Let's take a rain check on tonight, okay?" "I'm feeling kind of tired anyway." "I'll call you tomorrow." "Al?" "Al?" "Damn." "[Vincenzo speaks Italian]" "[Sophia] Before we begin..." " [Italian]" " Let's make one thing clear:" "[Italian]" "I am in charge." " [Italian]" " I am the boss." " [Italian]" " I am the master." " [Italian]" " I am the walrus." "Ma, either your Italian is rusty, or he's the world's oldest hippie." "Can we just get started, please?" "[Speaking in Italian]" "First we must inspect the workers." "Ah, ah." "Mm-hmm. [Italian]" "Mm-hmm." "Aha." "Ow!" " He pinched me." " It's a reflex." "He's Italian." "Oh..." "[Italian]" "We'll start with the simplest of jobs." "[Italian]" " Installing the window." " Dorothy... [speaking in Italian]" "Dorothy, you hold the window in place." "Rosa... [Italian]" "Rose will do the hammering." "Blanche... [Italian]" "Blanche, you'll do the screwing." "He came up with that one on his own." "I swear." "[Speaking in Italian]" "Drill a toggle bolt, anchor with a 5/16th bit, and miter-cut the quarter-inch plywood after you attach the studs." "Eh." "Only thing I recognized in there was "studs."" " This isn't gonna work." " No, no." " È impossibile." " Si, è impossibile." "[Continues in Italian]" "Vincenzo has a wonderful idea." "He'll bring his crew to finish the job at no additional charge." "[Italian]" "Why would he do it for free?" "Because he's senile as a doorknob, and stop asking questions." "Hi, everybody." "Al, what are you doing here?" "I did a lot of thinking about what you said, and you were right." "I've been wasting my life." "I'm so glad you feel that way." "There is one dream I used to have:" "Sailing around the world." "Like you said, what better time to follow my dream than during my retirement." "I'm gonna do it." "You booked yourself on a cruise." "Better." "I bought my own boat and hired a crew." " You what?" " It cost me my life savings, but I don't care." "I'm gonna sail around the world, and it's all because of you." "And I want you to come along with me." "Rose, what are you doing?" "It is 2:00 a.m." "I couldn't sleep, so I decided to get up and make a batch of sperhoven krispies." "It's an ancient Scandinavian midnight snack." "I guess after a night of pillaging and raping, a Viking wants a little something to go with his cocoa." "Well, they smell god-awful." "Yeah." "When you're about to throw up from the stench, that's when they're done." "Who wants some?" "If these had been offered to the Donner Party, they still would have eaten each other." "Don't be silly, Dorothy." "They're delicious." "You just have to know how to eat them." "You hold your nose with one hand and pop a krispie in your mouth with the other." "Mm-mm!" "That tastes like cheesecake, fresh strawberries and chocolate ice cream." "Mm." "My gosh, you're right." "That is the best thing I have ever tasted." "Oh, this is delicious." " [Rose] Mmm." " [Blanche] Mm-hmm." "Hey, give me a break." "You can't smell that from the hall." "[Blanche] Sophia..." "Rose has been cookin'." "Yeah, and it turned out perfect!" "But I'm still upset." "Because you don't know what to do about Al?" "No, she's upset because Jimmy Swaggart can't cover his motel bill." "Of course I'm upset." "I don't know what to do." "I know what I'd say if a man asked me to sail around the world." "Please." "You can't get anybody to ask you out for coffee." "Sail around the world." "That'll be the day." "Like there's a line waiting around the block." "We'll have to install a ticket machine like they have at the bakery." "I get the picture, Ma!" "I'm afraid I'm responsible for making Al do something he really doesn't want to do." "So what?" "Maybe you are responsible, but it got him off his duff." " What's wrong with that?" " The best thing for him." "And the best thing for you, Rose." "Have you even considered taking him up on his offer?" "Oh, no." "I couldn't." "I have responsibilities." "Rose, haven't you ever done anything just wild and crazy and impetuous?" "No." "I'm from St. Olaf." "We're forced to sign a pledge when we're 15 that we won't do any of those things." "It keeps people from painting their houses silly colors." "I don't know what to do." "I'm gonna have to sleep on it." ""Sleep on it." Men." "Sex." "I listen to your sexual problems." "How about my sexual problems?" "What is your sexual problem?" "I don't get any." "And I read in a magazine where a woman is at her sexual peak at 83." "Sophia, I read that same article." "It was 33." "Really?" "Then all those feelings I've been having lately must be colitis." "Sorry I interrupted." "Good night." "[Speaking in Italian]" "Here they are, Dorothy." "Vincenzo's new work crew." "Looks like the road company of Cocoon." "Have a little respect." "These are all masters of their crafts." "Hi, girls." "Who are these old men?" "The Osmond Brothers, Rose." "The years without Donny have not been kind to them." " These are Vincenzo's friends." " Oh, that's right." "I forgot." "I've had so much on my mind lately." "Have you decided what to do about Al?" "No." "I'm just as confused as ever." "Rosa... [speaking in Italian]" "Vincenzo thinks he has a solution to your problem." "Really?" "Well, translate for me, Sophia." "Well, I'm a little bit rusty, but I think he said," ""Picture it:" "Sicily 1939." ""The war is on." ""A promising young architect is offered a job to spearhead construction of a new wing at the Vatican."" "Wait, Ma." "You say your Italian is rusty, but you know the word for "spearhead"?" "It was my brother's nickname for a while as a child." "Anyway, the young man is torn." "Taking the train to Rome means running the risk of enemy bombs." "But staying home means passing up a chance to make history!" "He certainly packs a lot of meaning into a few words." "Aw, shut up!" "In the end, he chooses safety." "It's a decision he still regrets half a century later." "His conclusion:" "Life without risk is no life at all." "Sophia, tell Vincenzo that's a wonderful story." "Tell him he helped me make the most important decision of my life." "I'm gonna call Al and tell him I'll sail around the world with him." "Sophia, did Vincenzo really say all that?" "Of course not." "He's a carpenter." "I'm a philosopher." "He said he wants everyone out of the garage until the work is completed." "But why?" "Because to an old guy with cataracts, you two look like Swedish stewardesses." "Old age can play a lot of cruel jokes." "Come on." "Thanks for leaving me in the parking lot." "It's not like unsavory, swarthy characters hang around the docks by night." "Oh, Ma, there's nobody here like that." "I know, but I gave it a minute." "I thought I'd line something up for you for sayurday." "Ahoy, girls." "Welcome aboard." "You must be so excited!" "Oh, I sure am." "Grab some champagne." "I'm gonna find Al." "I haven't seen him." "I want to say thanks." " [Blanche] I love champagne." " [Dorothy] Me, too." "The only problem is, after a few glasses," "I'll kiss any man in sight." "[Loud splash]" "[Man] Man overboard!" "That was just a coincidence, Dorothy." "Hey, Al." "I've been looking all over for you." "Really?" "I don't think I've moved from this spot." "There's something I have to tell you." "Oh, please, Al." "There's something I want to say first." "I want you to know that I am so excited about going on this trip." "And I'm so happy that you chose me for this adventure." "I love you, Al, and I'm ready to go anywhere with you." "And the North Star can be our guide." "I love you, too, Rose, but that's not the North Star." "That's the tower of the all-Spanish radio station." "Fine." "Much more reliable." "And it doesn't disappear in the daylight." "Rose, I think I'm gonna puke." "It was just a little joke, Al." "I laugh at all yours." "No, I'm serious." "I'm seasick." "You mean it?" "We're still docked." "I can't sail around the world." "I guess there's no adventure in me." "I'm sorry." "Well, don't be sorry." "Look what you were about to do... what we were both about to do." "We got on the ship." "Most people never even leave shore." " You mean that?" " Of course I do." "You and I still have a lot of adventures left in us, so many things we haven't tried." "Have you ever been to Space Mountain at Disney World?" "Imagine it, Al." "We'd go rocketing up and down, and turn and turn and turn." "Then, zoom, plummet right back down." "And..." "Or we could walk around and get our picture taken with Goofy." "Hi, girls." "How do I look?" "Where are you going all dolled up?" "Al and I are taking a picnic to hear the philharmonic." "I didn't know Al was a music lover." "He isn't." "He likes to see what picnic meats are popular this season." "Vincenzo says he's finished." "He wants us to take a look." "Ohhh!" "Fine." " [Blanche] I don't believe it." " [Dorothy] This is terrible." "I'll admit, it's a little drab, but with some plants and nice..." "It's a garage, you twit!" "Ma, how did this happen?" "Vincenzo... [speaking in Italian]" "[Italian]" "Sophia... [Italian]" "It was a slight misunderstanding." "In Sicily, every region has its own dialect." "Actually, every town has its own dialect." "Actually, every household has its own dialect." "This also explains why the Italian army is as effective as a Jamaican bobsled team." "[Speaking in Italian]" "He's sorry he made the mistake." "He'll be glad to turn this back into a bedroom." "No." "No, please." "I could not live through that again." "Thank him for his work, and say he must be proud." "Grazie, Vincenzo." "[Speaking in Italian]" "Mi figlia, Dorothy." "Dorothy!" "[cackling]" "[Italian]" "Ma..." "I think I accidentally promised your hand in marriage." "Si." "Dorothy." "Well, at least he's Italian." "Dorothy..." "Dorothy..." "Dorothy..."