"Barkeep, what's the drunkest I can get for, um, two bucks?" "For two bucks I can let you drink everything that spilled on my overpour mat tonight..." "Splatmat Special." "That sounds terrible." "Bring it." " Third-wheeling it, huh?" " Huh?" "Oh, yeah." "They're just friends from work." "You want some advice?" "Watch your back around those two." " Watch my back?" " Couples are not to be trusted." "We just work together." "Yeah, it all seems innocent, till one day you're sitting in a bar, telling a stranger about how your life got ruined." " You don't have to tell..." " It all started four months ago." "Karen Elizabeth Beale, will you do me the great honor of marrying me?" "(retches)" "Look what you've done to Alfonse!" "Hey, you know, it could have been worse." "How?" "Technically she never said no." "Maybe it was too soon." "Too soon?" "We've been dating for three months." "Almost." "I think anything under a solid decade is impetuous, if not downright irresponsible." "I'm sorry about this, man." "This is such bad timing." "I wish I could be here for you right now, but..." "No, I know." "Look, it's fine." "I know how long you've wanted this job, so..." "Yeah well, if you ever find yourself in central Germany, you know, schtop by!" "Yeah, for sure." "(horn honks)" "Hey, do you mind?" "We're having a modern male moment here!" "Take your time, Mr. Sensitive." "It's not my flight we're gonna miss." "Oh shit." "Um, okay, I gotta bolt." "You sure you're gonna be okay?" "Yeah, I'll be fine." "Oh, listen." "Don't go falling for the first girl that comes along, okay?" "I know how you get." "All that hopeless romantic shit will get you in nothing but trouble." "Trust me." "Any shred of romance that was left in me was ground to a bloody pulp yesterday." "Oh, good." "I mean, not good." "I mean... fuck, you know what I mean." "Well, auf wiedersehen." "Eat some schnitzel for me or something." "Aye." "Be well." "And stay out of trouble." "(groans)" "(western movie on TV)" "(coughs)" "Echo?" "# La la la la #" " # La la la la # - (banging on ceiling)" "Knock it off, fuckhead!" "(softly) #La la la la #" "Asshole." "She won't let you out for one beer?" "Come on." "What's that all about?" "No, I'm not calling your wife a bitch." "No no no..." "Hello?" "Come on, man." "How long have we been friends?" "Okay." "How long have we been acquaintances?" "Scott Teller." "I bought your futon a few years ago." "# Last night I picked up the phone #" "# Late call said you were alone #" "# Crying to me about #" "# All of the things that we said #" "# Apologized for your ways #" "# Said that you hadn't slept in days #" "# Said that you need me... #" "Hey." "I'm Nina." "Hi." "Hi, Nina." "I'm Scott." "I know this is incredibly forward, but" "I think you're really cute and I was just wondering if you'd maybe like to go out." "I'd love you." "I mean, I'd love to go out sometime." "(chuckles)" "Not to say that I couldn't love you at some point." "It's just, you know, life is a very funny thing." "You never know what's going to happen next." "Nina?" "# So I came back, opened my mind #" "# Decided to give you the time #" "# To make it up to me #" "# And not turn away... #" "I gotta get a roommate." "You know, the best way for me to introduce myself would be to do a monologue." "Okay." "As she leads me to her bed," "I see for the first time piles and piles of pink panties." "Heh." "Harold just has difficulty communicating with others." " Mmm." " Don't you, Harold?" "Mmm..." "My vagina is unto the world's vagina!" "I live just around the corner, so I can visit all the time." "Thank you." "Ryan Beckett." "Mary Kincaid." "Hi." "Hi." "Scott Teller." "Nice to meet you." "So, this place is awesome." "I was looking for a change last year, so I moved downtown." "I'm a senior product reviewer for "Open Collar Worker."" "It's a magazine for work-at-home professionals." "How do you like working from home?" "I won't lie to you." "It gets lonely sometimes." "Which one of you is interested in the apartment?" " Actually..." " Both of us." "To be honest, I'm not really sure about living with a couple." "No offense, but it seems like it could get kind of awkward." "Is everything okay?" "Yeah." "We've just been having a hard time trying to find a place." "Yeah, and we're really into the whole downtown loft thing, so..." "Yeah." " Are you okay?" " Hmm?" "No, it's just your beard..." "Yeah, that." "It itches like a bastard." "I don't know why I keep it." "Someone on the street yesterday called me "Vermont Guy."" "I keep meaning to shave it off, but I guess I really haven't had a reason to, not since Karen... but I don't want to bore you with that story." "Uh, no." "We're not in any rush, Scott." "Try us." "You can tell us, Scott." "Okay." "(music playing)" "# We sit around #" "# Looking for flaws in the diamonds #" "# We sit around spilling our ice cubes on the lawn #" "# We sit around fighting our way #" "# Through the darkness #" "# And we waste our time #" "# When we could be righting every wrong #" "# And we trace heartbreak where we #" "# Can see heartbreak don't belong... #" " Drum roll, please." "Here he comes." " (vocalizes drum roll)" " Yay!" " Hey!" "Much much better." "Yeah, considerably less "creepy shut-in" with this look." "That's exactly what I was going for." "Thanks." "Well, this was really fun meeting like this." " We should get going." " We should." "Hey, listen." "Here is our card." "Yeah, call us sometime if you want to do something, or just talk." "Good luck with the roomie search." "Whoever you find is lucky to live with a guy like you." "Hey, guys, let's do it." "Why don't you move in?" "Scott, are you sure?" "You guys are the nicest people I've met, and let's face it... you're the nicest people I'm gonna meet." "This place is totally big enough for the three of us." "Scott, you are not gonna regret this!" "We will totally keep to ourselves." "It will be like" " having just one roommate." " Yeah." "When can you guys move in?" " This weekend?" " Yeah?" " This weekend!" " Great!" "I'll see you then." " All right!" " Awesome!" "Okay." "See ya!" "See you soon." "I can't believe how well our colors work together." "We're both autumns." "Is that fate or what?" "Uh, yeah." "Looks great." "Give him a break, Mary." "He's only got one X chromosome, which is why he is much more interested in this bad boy!" "Holy crap!" "Well, I am just so glad to see that you two stayed together." "Yeah, it really looked like you guys were on the ropes there for a little while, so..." "Well, fortunately Nerissa has a high bullshit threshold." "Aww." "Come on, you two scallywags, join us." "What?" "I'm sorry." "I'm so sorry." "I know I always do this." "I know I suck." "I'm so sorry, but it really isn't my fault." "I was driving here from work and I was on the PCH and the traffic suddenly stopped and there was a turned-over beekeeper's truck from some almond farm up north and there was a cop who was supposed to be" "directing traffic around the truck and he's swatting at all the bees." "Everybody gets confused, and there's like six more accidents so there was honey all over the cars." "Ted, it was not my fault this time, I swear to God." "It was not my fault." "Okay, calm down." "We have a couple of minutes." "Calm down." "Tat's the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard." "That's awesome." "I'm gonna use that one the next time I'm late." "Are you accusing me of lying?" "No." "That's what's perfect about it." "You couldn't make that up." "You'd be surprised." "I am the master of excuses." "All right, what's your best one?" "My best one?" "Dude, it would dazzle you and I don't think you could handle it." "I've got an idea." "How about we have a date," "Saturday night, 8:00, here?" "You come at 9:30 and dazzle me." " This guy's got game." " Yeah." "Uh, do we know this guy?" "Leslie, these are my friends from UCLA, Ryan and Mary." " Friends?" "Really?" " Stop it, please." "Hi." "And this is our roommate Scott." "He is a good man." "Vouchers." "I like vouchers, but I gotta say no, because I'm not into the one-on-one thing with a stranger." "Okay." "Well, we'll all go, all six of us." " Right?" "Saturday." " We're busy." " Honey." " No, we are." "We have that thing with Phil and Barbara Griffin." "We could go." " Yeah." " Huh?" "Yeah, sure." "Chaperones." "Are we on?" "Uh, nnnnn... okay." "Why not?" "But we're late because of the bees," " so..." " Ted:" "Bye." "Good." "No chance for me to say anything stupid." "I'll see you on Saturday..." " Oh, Leslie Green." " Leslie." " Scott Teller." " Scott Teller." " See you Saturday." " See you Saturday." " Bye." " Bye." "See ya Saturday." "Scotty Scott Scotterton over here!" "Scotterino!" "Way to get back in the saddle, partner!" " I'll say." "Giddyup, huh?" " Huh?" "Did you see that?" "Who's got two thumbs and is impressed?" " (whispers) This guy." " (whispers) Yeah." "(utensils clanking)" "(Ryan snickering)" " You've been a bad girl." " That'll work." " That'll work." " Yeah." "Oh!" "Aha!" " The whisk." " (squeals)" " (giggling) - (squealing)" "(whip snaps)" "You gonna take me downtown, Officer?" " I'm taking you all the way down!" " Mary:" "Yeah!" "Ryan:" "There was a farmer who tapped that ass..." "Mary:" "...and Ryan was his name... oh!" "(rock song on jukebox)" "(singing along)" "Both:" "#I'm gonna take you take you home. #" " Unh!" " Nice!" " Harmonies." "What?" " Unh!" " Scott." "Scotty!" " Huh?" " Nervous, buddy?" " Flutterbies?" " Mmm?" " Mmm?" "Um, yeah, a little bit, I guess." " I'd be nervous." " I'd be going apeshit." "I'm talking fucking apeshit!" "Ryan:" "Yeah." " Hi." " Hey." " Hey." " Hi." "Hey!" "How are you?" " Flaming Gorilla Nipple?" " Uh, no, that's okay." "I see you guys started without me." "Well, it was 5:00 somewhere, right?" "I don't even drink anymore." "Of course I don't drink any less, either." "Hiyo!" "What are you drinking?" "Probably just a glass of red wine." " Mmm." " Ooh." "Scotty Dog is not much of a wine drinker." " The tannins give him headaches." " He's more of a beer guy." "Thanks, guys." "I can speak for myself." "Of course you can!" "If there's anything Scott can do, it's talk... a lot." "Like, yap yap yap yap." "He is a regular little chatterbox." "Like a chihuahua." "Show her!" "Yeah, come on, say something, hotshot." "Mary:" "Oh!" "Mary:" "Watch this!" "This will be good." "Here it comes." "Really?" "How have you been?" "(both exclaim)" " Brilliant!" " The man should be a writer." "Hemingway over here, right?" "Guys, really, I..." " So how have you been, Les?" " Mmm." "Oh." "Uh, I've been good." "Can't say I love being called Les." " Oh!" "Hmm!" " I know what you're saying there." "I can't stand it when people call me Mare." " Yes." " It's like, what am I?" " Right." " Am I a horse?" " No." " Am I some kind of horse," " like a pony?" " Or like some kind of mare or something, you know?" "Guys, I don't think this whole double-date thing is working out." "We're gonna get going." " What?" " Why?" "You guys are shitfaced." "How dare you?" "That is silly." "(mouths)" "I am sober as a fucking judge!" "I think it's fine." "They're just a little drunk." "We've all been there." " Oh, thank you." " Thank you." " Oh!" " (Leslie screams)" "Oh, God!" "You know what we gotta do?" " Say it." " Mexican food." " Unh!" " That does sound good!" "We have to go get Mexican food." "It's so good." " I don't know, guys..." " We should do it." " Shall we vamanos?" " Both:" "Yes!" " Mary:" "Si, senorita." " Vamanos." "I know the best spot." "We could take a taxi." " Yes." " And that way we'll get fucking hammered." " So fu..." " king... hammered!" "Oh!" " (Ryan snickers)" " Leslie:" "I love the sound of this." " (Mary squeals)" " Ryan:" "Oh, boy." "Somebody get this guy a fucking drink." " Mary:" "You should sleep with him." " Sleep with him." " He's awesome." " Mary:" "Yeah!" "They crack me up." "Mary:" "Everybody in the bar have sex tonight." "Leslie:" "Ryan, what do you do?" "Mary and I are in contract law." " We're both paralegals." " Leslie:" "Hmm." "But we'll probably be going back to law school soon." "Leslie:" "Oh?" "What school do you want to go to?" "Wait a minute." "Diddling?" "Yeah, diddling." " You know, with..." " I know what it means." " I can't believe you just sat there." " I didn't!" "Well, Stanford's the dream, but it's pretty expensive." "(whispers) I know." "Fuck yeah." " (squeals)" " You okay, Mary?" "Oh, yeah." "Yeah." " Stop it." " Stop what?" " Driver, turn left here." "It's quicker." " (moans)" "And you didn't say anything?" "What was I supposed to do, let Leslie know that a fingerbanging was happening a foot and a half behind her?" "That's not first-date material, bro." "I mean, come on." "I'm sorry." "Please continue." "So have you guys ever thought about one of you going to school while the other one works?" "Uh-huh." "What, you mean like one of us go and the other one stay?" " Mary:" "Mmm." " Yeah, you know, take turns." "Mary:" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Definitely!" "Well, it sounds like Mary likes the idea." "Mary:" "Mm-hmm. (gasps)" "Oh!" "Wow!" "(laughs) They're really drunk, aren't they?" "Yeah." "Uh, she's a little, uh... tired, so I think we're just gonna go home and hit the sackaroo." "You guys are cool to get home, right?" "Safely?" "Safely?" "Safely?" "Yeah, we can do that." " Okay." "I will check you later, bro." " (squeals)" "Mary:" "Let's go home." " Hasta lasagna!" " Bye now!" "(squeals)" "That was weird." "You have no idea." "So, the three of you spend a lot of time together?" "Um, yeah." "I mean, we have." "Maybe that's a little strange." "Mmm." "I get it." "I've been the third wheel with Ted and Nerissa way more times than I want to admit." "Well, tonight notwithstanding, Ryan and Mary are good people." "Very perky, maybe a little too perfect, if you know what I mean." "Well, the way Ted explains it, they might as well be the Antichrist." " What?" " Oh, don't take Ted seriously." "He is a cynic with a flair for the dramatic." "Nerissa says they're good people, and that's good enough for me." "Well, next time we go out, it's just the two of us." "Oh, so there's gonna be a next time, huh?" "Yeah." "You can't let tonight be the end of it." "I mean, this has just been ridiculous." "What are you doing tomorrow?" "Something with you, I hope." "Wow, you really play hard to get, don't you?" "Okay, well, in that case, you should come by at 6:00." "I'm there." "Cool." "What?" "Nothing." "I just..." "I just realized I probably should have waited till the end of the date to ask you on a second date, 'cause now there's no buildup, there's no tension, there's no mystery." "How great is that?" "Wow!" " Hey!" " Scott!" "Hi." "We are so so so sorry about last night." "Yeah, we were way over the line." "I don't know what happens to me when I drink." " I just get so H-O-R-N-Y." " Yeah, and I am a total man-whore after four cocktails." "We practice hot monogamy." "I'm what you'd call a monogamist slut." "One of the pillars of our relationship." "It keeps it spicy." " Mmm." " Huh?" "And it doesn't hurt that I rarely" " if ever wear panties for him." " No it does not." "You must think that we are total pervs." "The whole thing must seem so tawdry." "Ooh!" "Tawdry." "Fantastic word." " It's awesome, right?" " That is an awesome word." "Guys, let's just try to establish and respect some boundaries, all right?" " Can do, Mr. Magoo." " Absolutely." "And to make it up to you, we made brunch." "I can see that." "I could see that from space." " Diggith inneth." " Bon appétit." " Mary:" "We need more eggs." " Ryan:" "Eggsellent idea." " Mary:" "My thoughts eggsactly." " Guys, really, none of this was necessary." "I..." "Um... you know, the less we talk or think or remember about last night the better." "We just feel terrible that we ruined it for you with Lisa." "Leslie." "And, um, you didn't ruin anything." "We're going out tonight." "Wow, two dates in two days." "Jesus H. Christ, Scott," "I thought we weren't gonna rush into anything this time." "I'm not rushing into anything." "It's more of a do-over date anyway." "Whatever." "It's like you want to get your heart broken again." "Scott, uh, what about the guy code?" "You don't even call the girl the next day, let alone go out with her." "You're never gonna get rid of her now." "I'm not really a guy-code guy, Ryan." "I like to play it by ear." "Yeah." "That's been real successful so far." " Mary!" " Dude, she's kidding." "She's kidding." "I mean, she is and she isn't." "I am and I amn't." "Look, thank you for breakfast, but I'd like to drop the subject now." " It's dropped." " Like a bad habit." " Like a hot potato." " Like an atom bomb." " Like a prom dress." " Like a... (slams glass)" "Well, it looks like somebody got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." "Your eggs are getting cold, Scott." "Man on TV:" "Other lightweight vacuums are light on power." "That's why Dyson engineered the Dyson Slim..." "See you all later." "Wait!" " We have to come with you." " Why?" "To apologize to Leslie." "That won't be necessary." "I know, but it would just make us both feel so much better." "Yeah." "We got off on the wrong foot." "Such the wrong foot." "Okay." "But you leave after the apology, and absolutely no drinks." "Don't worry, we'll be good." "I'm even wearing panties today." " (squeals)" " Scott:" "Ow." "It just keeps coming." "Look, I really want to spend some time with her." "Alone." " Right." "Say, Ryan?" " Hmm?" "What's the name of the Canadian rock trio that recorded the song "Tom Sawyer"?" "Why, Mary, that would be Rush." "Which is exactly what Scott is doing with Leslie." "Okay, you guys clearly planned that, and that's just odd." "Come on." "She stood you up, man." " Left you hanging." " High and dry." "I feel awful." "This is obviously our fault." "Oh, man, this sucks." "So what do you say we go get a drink or 12, nurse the wounds?" " All you can do, really." "Right?" " Yes." "Shall we?" "Hi!" "Are you here to see someone?" "Uh, yes." "Leslie." "Leslie Galinsky?" "No, Leslie Green." "Oh, Leslie G. You must be Scott." "Come on in." "Thanks." "Oh, I'm sorry." "Invited guests only." "We're with Scotty." "I'm just a woodland nymph with five lines, so..." " Bye." " Thank you." "Oh, hey, you made it." "Hey, yeah, I did." "Sorry to drag you by work like this but we've been so pressed for time" "I've had very little social life lately." " This is work?" " Oh, yes." "I do costumes." "I am the seamstress to the semi-stars." "Cool." "But I thought maybe you'd want to see the dress rehearsal, so" "I put together some snacks." "And I brought some wine..." "and beer, because I know you are a beer man." "Is that cool?" "Yeah." "That'll do." "Okay, well, let's get a seat." "Woman:" "Leslie!" "Leslie!" "We're sorry!" "We're so sorry." " It's all on us." " Our bad, not Scott." " Oh my God." " Ryan:" "Leslie Green!" " Mary:" "Not Galinksky!" " Ryan:" "No, you're cool, Galinsky!" "Scott didn't do anything!" "So if you were planning on hooking up or making out..." "Mary:" "Or going all the way or whatever..." " Ryan:" "Full speed ahead!" " (all groaning)" "Thumbs up if you can hear us." "Mary:" "Groovy?" "Ryan:" "Dude playing Puck," " you are awesome!" " Great!" " Scotty, we'll see you at home." " They gave the thumbs up, right?" " Yeah." " Okay." "Fantastic." "(groans)" "Again, I'm sorry about Ryan and Mary." "Just forget about it." "I don't want to get worked up over it, let some gut-wrenching, potentially job-threatening embarrassment ruin a good date." "Good date?" "Come on, this is undoubtedly the best date that I've ever been on." "Yeah, I kind of impressed myself tonight." "Yeah." "I mean, the bar has been set ridiculously high." "I'm clearly gonna have to involve air travel on our next date if I even hope to top this." "Well I don't know about air travel, but... how do you feel about a wedding?" "Ours?" "No." "Ted and Nerissa are getting married in two weeks and I'm the maid of honor." "And I don't have a date." "And I kind of don't think I'm gonna meet anyone" "I'm gonna want to go with more than you before then, so come with me." "Yeah, absolutely." "Weddings are a total turn-on for chicks." "You don't stand a chance after that." "(laughs) I like this." " What?" " That I can tell you that I like you and not have to worry that I'm gonna regret it later." "No, you definitely won't." "I feel like I don't have to play games with you." "I don't have to couch anything." "I don't even know what couch means as a verb." "So, no, you definitely don't have to do that." " (horn honks)" " Woman:" "Leslie, time to go!" "Oh, that's my ride." "I can take you home." "That's all right." "As great as this date has been," "I don't want to rush anything." "Me neither." "I'll call you." " Okay." " Good night." "Ryan:" "Please, just shut up!" "(china breaks)" "(china tinkles)" "Hey!" "There's the man!" "Mary, is everything okay?" "Everything's fine." "Was it a good night?" "It was great, after you guys stopped shouting at us." "Mary:" "Oh, you did hear." "Good." "Yeah, they heard in Cucamonga." "What's with this plate?" "Oh." "Little accident on my part." "It's a long story." "I will replace that." "Nothing major." "Nothing major." "Were you guys fighting?" "Hah!" "I told you, we don't fight." "It's not our thing, buddy." "I think they're clean, lamb chop." "I'll decide that, honeybunches." "Ryan, who were you just yelling at to shut up?" "What?" "No one." "What?" "So, Scotty, was it a good night?" " Did you tap that ass yet?" " Mary!" "Aw, come on." "Did you give her the old hot beef injection?" " Mary, what the hell?" " Did you make like Sam the Butcher" " and bring Alice the meat?" " Jesus, Mary." "Ryan:" "Mmm." "This sex talk have me heap big in the mood." "Mary:" "Oh, I love it when you talk caveman." "Ryan:" "That was, uh, Indian, dear." "Mary:" "No, don't be silly." "Indian is like," ""Oh, curry in a hurry, Mr. Curry Man."" "Native American Indian." " Oh." " Oh." " Mary:" "Geronimo." " Mmm." " Come here." " Ooh!" " Good night." " Good night." "Mary:" "Take me to your wigwam, Chief." "I'm gonna trade you $27 worth of trinkets for that ass." " Hi-ya hi-ya..." " (Mary squeals)" " (thumping)" " Mary:" "Put me on the bearskin rug!" "Ryan:" "Here's some wampum." "(phone rings)" "Mary:" "I got it!" "Mary:" "Hey, Scotty Dog, phone!" " Hello?" " Hi, Scotty Dog!" "Hey, Leslie." "Have you been talking to Mary for the last 20 minutes?" "Is that a problem?" "No, it's just... they were acting really weird last night." "In fact I'm beginning to think they're just weird in general." "What were you guys talking about?" "Oh, you know, girl stuff." "(door slams)" "So, what are you doing Friday?" "Do you want to hang out?" "Yeah, I'd love to." "I hear you like the batting cages." "(clinking, crashing)" " Where did you hear that?" " I have my sources." " (slamming, banging)" " So, Friday at 7:00?" "And by the way, I have now asked you out twice." " (crashing) I know, and I'm way behind." "I have to log at least twice as many as you if I'm going to feel even remotely like a man." "Well, get to work, lazybones." "I'll see you Friday, okay?" " Okay." " Bye." "Bye." "(loud crashing)" "Jesus, you guys hungry or something?" "Oh, I don't know, Scott." "Maybe we're just being weird." "Yeah, weird that you would say that, because I've been feeling weird lately." "That is so weird!" " That's weird." " Weird." "Guys, is something going on?" "Is this, like, a thing?" "She heard you tell Lisa that you think we're weird." " Leslie." " Leslie!" "Fuck!" "Why do I have such trouble with that name?" "I do too." "It's like, Lisa, Leslie..." "But you had no right to hear that." "I was just in the process of hanging up the phone and making sure you'd picked up the call, and that it was connecting, and..." "Scott, come on." "Do you think we're weird?" "(laughs)" "Yeah." "Yes." "If you want to know the truth, yes, I think you guys are a little weird." "Us?" "I'm sure." "Scott, I was a Gerber baby." "And I am from Marblehead, Massachusetts..." " Idyllic!" " Born and raised." " Yeah." " Scott, what is so weird about us?" "Well, okay, for starters, the whole no-fighting thing." "That's... it's just odd." "We're not into the conflict thing, Scott." "I'm just curious." "Do you want us to break up or something?" " Right?" " No, I don't want you to break up." "But it's just that normal couples fight, and it's very healthy for the relationship." "Now I'm just confused." "I mean, I don't even know how to do that." "Okay." "Just... here, come here." "Okay." "Mary, you sit here." "Ryan, you sit here." "No no, guys, get..." "trust me here." "Sit apart." "There." "Now, clearly there was something going on last night, so let's draw from there." "All right?" "Now, tell him what you think." "Okay." "Ryan," " you were being a dummy." " Ryan:" "Okay, uh," "I appreciate that you're speaking from a place of anger right now." " Thank you." " No!" "Okay, look." "Tell her what you were really thinking last night." "Okay." "Uh, I..." "Mary, I wish that you would shut your trap, uh, about the toilet seat." " Yes, very good." " Blabbermouth." "Nice." "Okay now, Mary, your rebuttal." "Um," "Freak." "Twat." " Ass hat." " Bitch." "Shitheel." "Strumpet." "Jerkoff." "Ryan:" "Queef waffle." "Mary:" "Nagfucker." "Tampon wrapper." "Mama's boy." "Bloody fucking cun..." "Ow!" "Oh!" "You know, in the UK that word's not really that big of a deal." "I know." "But this is an important lesson on escalation." "You can't go from a slap fight to a C-bomb." "And look." "You had a fight and you're not breaking up." " No." " No, no." "Scott, you're right." "We have a lot of issues that we've repressed and you're right, we need to work on that." "Yeah." "Thank you, Scott." "I think it's clear that we both learned a lot tonight." "I can't tell you how much you mean to us, buddy." "Wow." "Well, that's really nice." "I'm just so glad we found you." "Aw, come here." "Oh." "# Let's go, let's go, it's on #" "# Let's go, let's go along #" "# Let's go, let's go... #" " What's up, roomie?" " Whoa!" " Hey." " You okay there, buddy?" "Do you want to move on to free weights, blasts those delts?" " Pump your lats?" " Pound your glutes?" "What do you say?" "Uh, no thanks." "I'm done." " What a coincidence." " We're done too." " Ryan:" "Yeah." " (Scott laughs)" "But you guys just got here." "Hey, we work hard, not long." " That's how we roll." " God damn right it is." "Where are you headed?" "Mind if we come with?" "No, it won't be necessary." "My head's kind of hurting, so I'm gonna go get some aspirin or something." "Golly." "Didn't think it was a crime to want to spend some time with a friend." "Yeah, I mean if you want to be alone, be alone." " We're history." " Past tense." " Ghosts." " Hasta lasagna." " Peace out..." " Scott:" "Okay, later." "Okay." "Well, what time will you be home?" "# Let's go, let's go, it's on #" "# Let's go, let's go along #" "# Let's go, let's go, we'll get it on #" "# Let's go, I'm going off #" "# Let's go, let's go right now #" "# Let's go, we're going out #" "# You'll never know until you go #" "# Just what it's all about... #" "Damn, you're good." "Our kids would be Hall-of-Famers." "We had three dates." "You've got us having kids?" " Just an expression." " You never know." " You moving?" " I have to." "My apartment building is going condo." "How long do you have before you have to move?" "Mmm, like 40 days." "Leslie..." "I know this sounds crazy and we haven't known each other that long, but... move in with me." "What?" "I'm serious." "You can have your own room and... you know, it'll be like we're roommates." "Oh my God." "(stammers)" "I mean, what about Ryan and Mary?" "To be honest, it's not really working out." "I'll give them plenty of notice and it'll be fine." "L-I don't know." "I mean, I..." "I guess" "I just need to think about it." "This is so out of the blue, Scott." "I'm gonna need, like, some time to..." " I..." " Yeah." "I..." "I think... we should go back to your place right now." "Okay." "'Cause I don't want to wait another minute." " Okay?" " Mm-hmm." "Happy birthday to me." "It's just right here." " Okay, now..." " (giggling)" "Let me check to make sure Ryan and Mary aren't here." "Okay, well, hurry up." "Hurry up." "Hurry up." "(both giggling)" "Oh, hey!" "Where are you going?" "I was going to get us something to drink." "Oh." "Well, there is no time for that." "Where is your bedroom?" "I like where this is heading." "Slow down." "What are you doing?" "Slow down." "Hold on... watch out." "Why are you going outside?" "All:" "Surprise!" "# For he's a jolly good fellow #" "# For he's a jolly good fellow #" "# For he's a jolly good fellow #" "# Which nobody can deny... #" " Stop!" "Okay, that's fine." "Stop." " # Which nobody can deny... #" " Yeah, stop." " (singing dies down)" " Who planned this?" " That would be us." " Chicka chicka boo-ya!" " Hey!" "Mary:" "Happy b-day." "Did you take that picture while I was sleeping?" "You just looked so peaceful." "We figured since you don't have any friends that throw in a rockin' party, it'd be a great way for you to make some new ones." " Right?" " All:" "Yeah!" "No no, that's very funny, but I have lots of friends," " just not in L.A. Right now, okay?" " (all grumbling)" "Were you a part of this?" "This is what Mary and I were talking about on the phone." "You know, right before you called us weird." " Mmm, yeah, thanks again for that." " Yeah." "How did you even know it was my birthday?" "Well, you left your driver's license on the counter a couple days ago..." "And so you just..." "you just picked it up?" "Dude, she wanted to know your middle name." "What..." " It's Paul." " Paul." "Everyone, it's Paul." "All:" "Paul!" "Do you two have any awareness of what personal space and privacy are?" "Is the idea of keeping your pesky noses out of my business so impossible for you to fathom?" "Good night, everybody." "Thank you for coming" " but there's no party!" " (all groaning)" "Good night." "Scott!" "Scott?" "Scott!" "How could you do that to Ryan and Mary?" "They went to all this trouble to throw a party for you and... granted, I guess the people they invited aren't the coolest people on the planet, but they seem really nice." "Can't you just be thankful that you have such good friends?" "Leslie, you don't understand, okay?" "There's something very very wrong about Ryan and Mary." "What?" "What did they do?" "Well, they... and..." "It's hard to explain, okay?" "But... they're freaks, all right?" "Wow." "Okay, well remind me never to throw you a surprise party." "Leslie, wait, sorry." "Please..." "I'm sorry." "Could you just wait?" "(feedback over microphone)" "Everyone?" "(feedback)" "I..." "I am..." "I'm sorry about all this." "Um, I hope you stay." "Please stay." "It'd mean a lot to me." "Um, I'll be honest:" "I, uh, I..." "I don't have any friends right now in L.A." "So I didn't tell the few people that I do know about my birthday because I was afraid that I would look like a complete loser... um... if I didn't have anybody to celebrate with." "I, um, I'm glad you're all here and I hope you'll stay and forgive me for lashing out at you." "And let's have some fun." "DJ, drop it like it's hot." "(record screeches, heavy metal song begins)" "# Die now, die #" " # Die now, die # - (all singing along)" "# Die now, die!" "#" "# Die now, die... #" " I'm sorry." " It's okay." "You're not gonna leave, are you?" "I'll bet the DJ can play some Norwegian black metal, maybe some Limp Bizkit." "Uh, Limp Bizkit is a deal breaker." "# I can't wait #" "(pop song playing)" "(giggles)" "# My love #" "# Tell me what it's all about #" "(Ryan whirring)" "Sporty Spice." " Oh!" " Look at that... cute." "Holy shit, he really does live with them." "I thought you were kidding." "Honey, you promised, remember?" " I need to talk to you." " Hi, I'm..." "Hi." "Woman:" "Aww!" " Thank you, thank you." " Mwah!" "Hey, Ted, you have history with Ryan and Mary." "Can I talk to you about them?" "You're going to want something much stronger than beer." "Okay, I'm not even going to tell you what I had to promise Ted to get him here." "You know, it's not that I mind doing it, but..." "I'm not gonna tell you." "The joys of a long-term relationship." "Girl, you have no idea." "No, I don't." "Oh, speaking of which, what's going on with that one?" "Yeah, that's the thing." "Um, Scott asked me to move in with him." "Jeez, he doesn't waste any time." "Wait a minute..." "what did you say?" "Well, I'm kinda leaning toward yes." "Not again." "Are you serious?" " It's different this time." " How?" "How is it different?" "Because I'm going to wait to commit to a decision..." "Good... wait." " Until after we go to your wedding together." "A week?" "You're going to wait one week?" "That's the difference?" "A week is long..." " ish." "Oh my God." "Have you even..." " No." "I know." " So you're going to live here and..." " No, it's his birthday tonight." " Okay." "And so I'm thinking, you know, if he plays his cards right," " like..." " Oh my God." " Oh my God!" " (Leslie giggling)" "Okay, well, then we're going to need this." " Yeah." " Yeah." " Let's open that." " Let's open it 'cause we're both gonna be busy." "Damn near killed her!" " We need to talk." " You get the olives?" "How can you think about olives at a time like this?" "Well, what am I supposed to put in my martini, love?" "A pork chop?" "Just shut up and come with me to the bathroom!" " (record screeches to halt)" " Okay." "Have a cocktail." "See?" "They even go to the friggin' can together." "Let me ask you one thing:" "Have you ever once seen them apart?" "No, I guess not." "Not really." "No, of course not, because they, my friend, are a couple monster." " A couple monster?" " They go to lunch together;" "they go to the gym together;" "they go to bars together;" "they commute together." "I heard they share a cubicle at work... not an office; a cubicle." "That's not right." "And the sick part about it is, because they spend all of their time together, they have absolutely nothing left to talk about... nothing to keep them from going lighthouse crazy." " That's why they latch." " Latch?" "Back when I knew them, they spent all of their time with this girl, um, Amy." "Amy was like the buffer between them." "She was their third wheel." "She was the one they could talk about their day with." "She was the one that they could deflect all their weird fuck tension onto instead of each other." " So what happened to Amy?" " Don't know." "She got wise, got out." "Maybe they cooked and ate her." "Who knows?" "But the important thing is, dude, you are the new Amy." "And from what you've told me about them trying to screw up your dates with Leslie..." "I didn't say that they were trying." "They just... they nearly did." "Think about it:" "If you end up with Leslie, they are out of the picture." "They are clearly not going to let that happen." "And let me tell you one more thing:" "If I wanted to make you look like a loser in front of a potential girlfriend, this is pretty much exactly the party I would throw for you." "Happy birthday, Amy." "(man shouting in Japanese)" "Scott:" "And that's when I realized they were trying to sabotage my relationship with Leslie." "I don't know, man." "Sounds like they were just maybe trying to keep you from rushing it, like they said they would do." "You're listening to Ted?" "Leslie told you he was a cynic." "Plus you planned to kick 'em out." "That's a pretty douchey move." "Hey, whose side are you guys on anyway?" "Right now?" "Don't answer that until you hear the rest." "Well, thanks again for helping with the table." "Have fun, you two." "Drive safe." "Yeah, get home carefully now." "(soft music playing)" "Well, that was some party." "Mmm." "(door opens)" "Well, gosh, that was fun, huh?" "Wasn't that fun?" "Tables are inside;" "guests have all left." "It's all good." "Say, Leslie, do you need a ride somewhere, honey?" "It doesn't matter how far it is." "We'd be happy to take you." "Oh, I think I'm gonna stay for a little bit." "Wonderful!" "You know, we need to make sure that we do this all the time, the four of us just hosting these little shindigs." " Mm-hmm." " The four of us?" "Mary:" "Oh, we heard the big news and we could not be happier." "I mean, this place is plenty big enough for four." " When you moving in, Lisa?" " Leslie." " God damn it." " It's okay, honey." "Hold on, guys." "There's some stuff we need to discuss first." " What stuff?" " Yeah, what kind of stuff?" "Mary:" "I mean, I'm assuming she'll live in your room, go in a fourth on rent and utilities, buy TP when it's her turn." "And besides that, what is there really to discuss?" "Look, this is not how I wanted this to come up." "Mmm, why not?" "How did you want it to come up, Scottsdale?" "Were you gonna shoot us an email?" "Or maybe you were gonna blog it on... your blog?" "Can we just talk about this another time?" "Scotty Dog, you seem a little tense." "Are you sure you're okay?" "Darling, I think maybe we should discuss this under the light of a new day." "You know, honey, you're right." " Yeah?" " Yeah." " Let's go." " Good night, roommates." "(silent)" "I'm so sorry that happened." "No, I'm sorry." "I said something to Nerissa and she must have said something to Mary without realizing it was... whatever it was." "I'll talk to them tomorrow morning." "Mary:" "Oh, that's it, Farmer Jack." "Oh, shit." "Just wait." " Oh!" " Ryan:" "We'll miss the fall!" "(both moan)" " Mmm!" " Ahh!" " Ryan?" "Hey hey, Ryan!" " Ahhh!" "Mary, listen to me." "Okay, tonight," "I beg you, while Leslie's here, could you please not..." " Please..." " Please don't." " Sounds like... how many syllables?" " Is it bigger than a breadbox?" "Please don't have sex while Leslie is here." " What?" " Why not?" "Because the sound..." "the noise that you two make, it's... it's insane, both in the volume and the graphicness." "Scott, have you been listening to us have sex?" "Shh!" "No, I haven't been listening." "I can just hear it." "How many times, Scott?" "Every." "All right?" "I turn my music up, but I can still hear it." "This is creepy." "If we had known that you were eavesdropping on our sex..." "I know what you're trying to do." "You're trying to break me and Lisa up..." " Leslie!" " Hard name." " It is." " It is, yeah." "We are not trying to break you up, Scotty." "We are just trying to slow you down." "Like we said we would, pal." "No rushing, remember?" "Huh?" " That deal is off." " God damn it, Scott!" "No one wants to see it work out between you and Leslie more than Ryan and I, but you are screwing everything up." "What... what am I screwing up?" "You asked her to move in with you after two dates." " Two!" " Come on, man." "Couldn't scare her away any faster if you told her you were a Nazi sympathizer who's into fondling puppy balls!" " Or a chronic masturbator." " You know, with a Scott fetish." " Mary:" "Into she-males!" " Furries!" " Bukaki." " Tentacle porn." "Ahhh!" "Ooh!" "(strained) It was for your own good." "This is for my own good." "Ahhh!" " I got you." "Just get..." " Eat less cake, bitch!" "How dare you, sir?" " Oh, I got you." " Scott:" "No no!" "Don't let him go!" "Ahh!" "I got him!" " Scott!" " Ahh!" "Bad!" " Oh, shit." " Ha ha!" "Oh, God, this was fun." "Ryan:" "Oh, it is never a dull moment here." " Let me tell you." " I'll admit that this probably looks kinda bad..." "Yeah, but you know, just playing." " Tomfoolery." " Shenanigans." " Rough-housing." " Little, uh... no big biggie." "You know, you want some cake?" "No, thanks." "I'm gonna go." "It was great to see you, Leslie." " See you soon, roomie." " Can I drive you home?" "That's okay." "I know this looks insane, but it's like they said, you know?" " Just playing around." " Mmm!" "Ahhh!" " Mary:" "You're delicious." " No, you're delicious." "We're still on for the wedding next week, right?" " Ryan:" "You're like a cupcake!" " I don't know." "Listen, Leslie, this is not me." "Okay?" "None of this is." "Just please give me one more chance without anybody else around," " just me." " We're still on for the wedding." "I'll see you at the wedding." " (door slams)" " You want to hang out before?" "Let's just stick with the wedding." "I mean, you've got this thing going on with your roommates that you need to work out." "I know, I will." "Promise." " Okay." " Okay." "Bye." " (bed squeaking)" " Mary:" "Come on!" "Yeah!" "(both grunting, screaming)" " Harder!" " Get there, get there, get there!" " Oh!" "Hi!" " Hey!" "Great party, isn't it?" "Huh?" "Ha ha!" "You two are sick." "I want you out of this apartment." "I want you out of my life!" " Really?" " Mary:" "We love you!" "(computer beeps)" "Scott:" "I didn't see them at all that last week." "I assumed they'd just gone away for good." "Well, did they?" " Does herpes?" " (chuckles)" " No." " (bells dinging)" "(organ playing "The Wedding March")" " What the fuck are you doing here?" " (all gasp)" "Man:" "Who invited that guy?" "Man #2:" "Who says "fuck" in church?" "Ted:" "It's fine." "Try not to worry about it." "Okay." " Yeah, go." " I'm..." " Okay." "Sorry." " It's fine." "It's fine, right?" "Well, that was a beautiful service." "Ha ha." "Aside from your little outburst, yeah, it was lovely." "Yeah, I'm sorry about that." "I just couldn't believe they had the gall to show up here." " Who?" " Ryan and Mary." "I did the guest list with Nerissa." "Ryan and Mary weren't invited." "Yeah, like that would stop them." "Where the hell did they go anyway?" " Who?" " Ryan and Mary." "Okay, I have to do photographs." "Just stay here and try to be... sane-ish." "(dialing, beeping)" "(pop song plays over phone)" "# I can't wait... #" "Aha!" "What are you two doing here?" "Making out." "What does it look like we're doing?" "Weddings make me so horny." "Of course!" "Everything makes you horny." "Toaster ovens make you horny." "You were not invited." "That is never gonna stop us from helping out our good buddy." "Friendship does not wait for an invitation, mister." "And besides, we have a contract." "(Scott grunting)" "This contract... is null and void, same as our friendship." " Unappreciative asshole!" " Yeah." "Scott, what are you doing?" "Leslie, I didn't bring this gift but it has my name on it." "Why would that be?" "You see, Ryan and Mary placed this gift with my name on it to set me up to make me look bad." "How does the gift make you look bad?" "See, it's not a gift." "It's a trap." "It's probably a box of tainted pork or dogshit or angry bees." " I have to get rid of it." " Are you completely insane?" " No, I..." " Young man, any reason you're absconding with the gift I brought?" "I..." "I'm sorry, but this isn't your gift." "I assure you, it is." " Scott?" " Now look, you bizarre human being..." " Okay, Scott, you're making a scene." " This package contains" " a ridiculously expensive..." " Just give him the gift." " Give him the gift." "Give him the gift!" " It's Leslie Green's date." " I remember placing it on that table..." " Why's he picking on Dr. Cooper?" " An hour ago!" "If you don't believe me, make a complete ass of yourself and open it!" "Oh, we're way beyond the complete-ass situation." "(both struggling)" " Leslie!" " Oh!" "(all screaming)" "Oh my God." "What the fuck?" " Ohhh!" " (giggling)" "Leslie, come on." "Look, this isn't me, okay?" " The..." "I'm not usually like this." " What are you usually like?" "Normal, I swear." "This is Ryan and Mary, okay?" " They're trying to keep us apart." " Why would they want to do that?" "Because they need me." "They need a third wheel to keep sane." "That's why they keep trying to scare you off, so they can have me all to themselves." "And how did you come up with this incredible theory?" "Actually, Ted said it." "You're going to take anything Ted says seriously?" "But it makes sense." "They say they're trying to keep me from rushing into anything with you, but..." "But we were rushing." "I mean, the fact that we were even considering moving in together after a couple of nice dates..." "that's rushing." "I mean, I was willing to consider it" " because I..." " "Was"?" "Why are you speaking in the past tense like that?" "Because I don't know you, Scott." "I don't know you at all." " But it's Ryan and Mary..." " Scott." "(sighs)" "(sniffing)" "Leslie won't return my phone calls." "I haven't been back to the apartment." "They're probably up there waiting to strike again." " Jackals!" " Well, they did kind of have a point." " What point?" " About the rushing it with Lisa." " Leslie!" " Ooh, sorry." "Maybe they really thought they were doing the right thing." "I mean, sure, they're a little strange, but you know, their hearts were in the right place." "Have you heard a word that I have said?" "Have you?" ""Have you"!" "(grumbles)" "(clattering)" "Oh!" "(clattering continues)" "Oh, golly, did we wake you?" "Yeah, what lousy friends we must be." "Of course, you know all about being a lousy friend, huh, Scott?" "Me?" "After everything we've been through..." "the good times" "We helped you rebound, man." "We were just trying to help you like we promised you we would and you treated us like..." "like we are a couple of raging lunatics or something." "I'm sorry." "Just put your keys on the counter." "Both of them." "We only had the one." "Of course." "Why would you need two?" "You probably share a toothbrush." "You'll be happy to know we'll be packed out by tonight." " Super." " You'll never hear from us again." ""We will not..."" "I want you to sign this contract." "You said that I will not hear from you again." "I want to make it official." "There, prick." "Thanks, bitch." " Choke on it, ass." " Shhh!" " We have a contract." " (gasps)" "Ryan?" "It is a tragedy that we can't talk to Scott 'cause we can't tell him where Leslie's going." "That is a shame." "I heard that she's leaving L.A." " I heard the same thing." " What?" "Oh!" "No no, there's something that you two know and you're not telling me." "Fine!" "Now tell me." "We overheard Leslie talking to some friends at the wedding" " after you left." " You stayed after I left?" " Duh." " Open bar, dude." "Come on." "She said she needed to get out of L.A." "And she decided... to go work with her sister." " Where?" " If we tell you, you have to promise to forgive us, huh?" "Fine, I forgive you." "You're forgiven." " Now tell me." " Not so fast." "I got it." "By signing here, you acknowledge that we have acted entirely in your best interest." "Fine." "Fine." "I'm willing to buy that for now." "And that we really do care about you as a friend." "Okay, yes." "Whatever." "And if you go after Leslie, we get to come with you." "No no no!" "No way." "Nah!" "Dude, your piece-of-shit car will never make it." "You need us." "And company." "No one likes to travel alone." " Huh?" " I can rent a car." "And trust me, traveling alone really beats the alternative." "Hmm." "Suit yourself." "It just would have been such a great opportunity for Ryan and me to explain to Leslie that we caused all of this and not you, but, hey, we don't..." "Seriously?" " Yeah." " We want out of this friendship." "That means no loose ends;" "no unfinished business." " We seek closure, nothing more." " Nothing more." "Huh?" "Okay, we'll go together." "Just whatever..." "whatever it takes." "Just tell me where she is." "Okay, I'm gonna need you to sign here and initial here and here and here." "That one too." " Good eye." " Thank you." "You guys are sick." "Okay." "Now... tell me where she is." "She went to work for her sister's theater in Oregon." "Okay, where in Oregon?" "You're gonna find out when we get there." " Wiki-wiki road trip!" " Yeah!" "Both:" "Blau!" "Mary and Ryan:" "#The love we have #" "# Will never fade away #" "# If ever two hearts were meant to be #" "# Forever in love #" "# It's you and me #" "# Every lonely heart #" "# Every lonely moment #" "# Feels like eternity #" "# Ah oooh #" " # The life we... #" " Oh oh oh." " You're tailgating." " I'm not, sweetheart." "Please back up, dear." "Damn it, woman, I know what I'm doing, shrew." " Assrod." " Harpie." " Nancy boy." " Slut." " Fartknocker." " Whore!" "Fuckstick!" "I fucking love this fighting shit." " I do too." "It's amazing!" " Ahh!" "Scott, what's the plan with Leslie?" "I don't really have a plan;" "I'm just gonna play it by ear." "Mary:" "Scotty, you gotta have a game plan." "We made a plan a long time ago;" "we've stuck to it." "How do you think we've been together all these years, huh?" "Just because you've done something for a long time doesn't mean you're doing it well." "Yeah, look at the Clippers." "Hi-yo!" "Ha ha!" " Burn, right?" " Watch it, laughing boy." "I was talking about the Clippers." "I wasn't talking about us." "Jesus Christ." "Ryan, pull off here." "Let's stay for the night." "Dude, we're, like, not even halfway there." "If we stop now, it's gonna take us two days to get there." "I know." "I've got a plan." "Ho ho, you've got a plan now." "Okay." " All right, Mr. Plan." " Okay." "(knocking)" " Ryan:" "Room service." " Land shark!" "(strumming)" "Ow!" "We were thinking since we're on vacation, maybe we should get a little drinky-poo!" "I'll go, but only with Ryan." " What?" " Huh?" "I want to go out for a beer, but just us guys." "Well, do I smell funny or something?" "Tonight I'll go out with Ryan;" "tomorrow I'll go out with Mary... alone." "Why?" "Because couples do things separately." "Well, did you ever think that maybe we just enjoy each other's company more than most couples?" "Most couples spend a good percentage of any relationship sick of each other's face." "That's just part of being in love." "Ha!" "Ha, hmm." "That is not a part that I'm interested in... but I do want that drink." " (door opens)" " You..." " (door closes) - (banjo strumming)" "Well, what do I do?" "# I got a stripper pole in my bedroom #" "# And I like the way you drop it low #" "# What you tryin' to do, shorty?" "#" "# Oh, I can tell that you're down for whatever #" "# If you think that you can handle me #" "# I'm trying... #" "I never really took you for a stripper type." "Oh, no, I've never been to a strip club before." "Oh, 11." "11 what?" "11 breasts I've seen." "You've only seen 11 breasts?" "I mean, you know, in real life." "I've seen more on, you know, TV and magazines." "Internet... ho!" "Oh... 13." " Two." " Why is this an odd number?" "I saw one of my grandma's when I was a kid." "I wish I hadn't asked." "Nana;" "Mary, naturally;" "uh, Wendy Harper;" "Tracy Price;" "Theresa What's-her-name;" "and, uh... and these strippers, yeah." "14!" "Even number!" "Boom." "And these other girls were, what?" "Exes?" "No." "No, Mary's the only girl I've ever dated." "Uh, they were girls Mary and I had three-ways with." " You've had three three-ways?" " Seven." "Seven?" "The other four were with..." "I should have known." "Oh, thank God you're here!" "Oh, I see you're already out looking for a better offer, you motherfucker!" " Mary, come on." " Son of a bitch!" "Asshole!" "Look, Ryan's not scamming." "And trust me, this is not the kind of place one goes to for a better offer." "(grunts)" "I turn my back for one second and you are out philandering with strippers?" " I am not a prude, Ryan." " Yeah, no shit." "Excuse me, Scott, but this... this is beyond the pale, okay?" "Simply beyond the pale!" "Mary, look, okay?" "I don't know how you got here, but you have to leave." "You have to show Ryan that you trust him." "Well, how can I trust him" " when he's sporting a chubby?" " Okay." "Mary, come on!" "Come on what?" "You want me to act like it's no big deal that my man's at half-mast?" " It is a big deal." " We're just having some guy time." "All right?" "He'll keep it in his pants." "(high-pitched) Uh-huh." " I promise." " And if it's any consolation, as you can see, I am completely flaccid now." "We all are, Ryan." "We all are." "Don't wait up for us, Ryan." "I was..." "I couldn't find the..." "I was just trying to..." "If you guys see my gym-membership card, just... give that to me." "Okay." "I'm gonna go." "Okay, have fun." "# Let's fall in love #" "# Let's fall in love #" "# Everything I see around #" "# Reminds me of... #" "My God, this place is like an advertisement for choosing a partner at a young age." "I am getting hepatitis just being in here." "That's the spirit." "Look, I want you to have a conversation with one of these fine gentlemen." " Why?" " Because" "I want to see how you talk to a man that isn't Ryan." "Scott, this is silly." "Can we just go home?" "I can't..." "Hey, there, pretty lady." "Can I buy you a drink?" "Scott?" "(silent)" "Could you just give us a moment, please?" "Sure." "You have to get rid of him!" "He is trying to get in my pants." "So?" "He's not going to." "It's not like you're tempted to sleep with him or anything." "I'm tempted to fuck his brains out." "(moans)" "I'd fuck him;" "I'd fuck that guy;" "I'd fuck the guy air-guitaring back there." "I'd fuck everybody I could see right now because I just want the chance to be with somebody else!" "This is the reason I cannot be trusted without Ryan around me at all times." "Just once I want to be with another guy without Ryan in the room." "Can you understand that?" "I am so sick of fucking the same person over and over and over and over again." "(glass rattles)" "Wow." "That was frank." "She's gonna take a rain check on the whole talking thing." "Thanks, though." "Watch it." "I..." " I'm gonna need another." " Yeah." "Excuse me?" "Scott:" "All I'm saying is that... both of you clearly have some issues that you're not addressing with each other." "But what happens if we address them and then we break up?" "Look, relationships take work..." "real work." "You can't just pretend that everything's okay so you don't have to deal with the hard stuff." "You have to be brutally honest with each other." "Doesn't that hurt?" "It can." "Love hurts, but it's worth it." "And that's why I'm chasing after a girl who probably won't even take me back." "Because if there's even the slightest chance that she will," "I have to risk it." "We can't play it safe all the time." "That's what it is with Ryan and me, isn't it?" "We play it too safe." "We're so afraid of this thing failing, that we don't deal with it." " Anuptaphobia." " Fear of being alone." "Why'd you do this?" " Do what?" " Try to help us, our relationship." "Well, at first it was because I figured the only way I was going to get you two lunatics out of my life was if you got your shit together, but... actually I like you guys a lot," "and I want you to be happy." "You're a good friend, Scott." " Um, about the ménage thing..." " Mm-hmm?" "I don't know if you two ever talked about, you know, me in that way..." "Oh, no!" "Never." "Okay, good, because that would have been" " a little weird." " Yeah." "Any particular reason why not?" "Well, this is it." "This is where Leslie is." "Are you ready?" " Not in the least." " Well, good luck." "Okay, dude, no more skateboarding with your costume on." "If I have to fix your butt again, I'm gonna kick it." "Capisce?" "Okay, now get out of here." "Go." "Hi." "Hi." "What are you doing here?" "I wanted to clear some things up." "Can we talk?" "Uh, okay." "Okay." "But just not here." "Just..." "I've never been stalked before, so if you can give me, like, an idea of how long this might take, 'cause I only have 40 minutes for lunch." "I'm not stalking you." "At least not in the creepy way." "There you are!" "Hi!" "There's nothing creepy about this at all." " Hi." " Hi, Leslie." "Um, Mary and I just... wanted to make it clear that we did do everything Scott said we did." "We thought we could control everything for him;" "take away the risk of getting hurt." "Thank you guys." "I've got it from here." "Just like we've been trying to do in our own relationship for years." " But you can't do that." " Nah." "Nobody can." "A wise man once said to me," ""Love is all about taking chances, even if it hurts."" " So..." " Ryan:" "Which is why" "Mary and I... (sighs) Have decided..." "To split up." " Just for a while." " It's just a trial thing to see if we're really meant to be together." "So if we can take a chance..." "Maybe you guys can too." "It was really great meeting you, Leslie, and we are sorry about all of this." "But I have a hunch you two are going to be just fine." "Hasta lasagna." "So you're not a total psycho, but your friends are?" "Yeah, something like that." "(sighs)" "Can I buy you lunch?" "I am pretty hungry... and broke." "So yeah, okay." "But this does not mean that I am moving in with you." " Right." " And sex, is like, way down the road and we're not even kissing anytime soon, and we have to completely start over from, like, the very very very very very very beginning, and there's no guarantees." "That's exactly what I wanted to hear." "Okay." "Okay." " I'm glad we talked." " Yeah, me too." "Hey!" "(giggling)" "(both laughing)" "And the Oscar goes to..." "Oh, you were fantastic." "No, you were fantastic and they totally bought it." "Well, love is all about taking chances, even if it hurts." "Give me a fucking break!" ""Oh, we're gonna break up." "We're just gonna give it a trial break-up." "A little trial break-up thing..."" ""Just to see if we really are meant to be together, you know."" "(both laughing)" "Oh my God." "Ha ha ha!" " Oh." " He'll be back." "(rock song begins)" "# Well, I live in Los Angeles #" "# She said, "You drive in this horrible traffic?" #" "# Man, you can't hear above the racket #" "# From downtown #" "# From downtown #" " # From downtown # - # Down down down #" "# Couple nights sleepless later #" "# She says "See the fire burn in the city tonight #" "# Under lines of factory lights" #" "# From downtown #" "# From downtown #" " # From downtown # - # Down down down #" "# I got too much of the city #" "# Of my Los Angeles #" "# Well, I live in Los Angeles #" "# Yeah, well, I live in Los Angeles #" "# You know that I live in Los Angeles #" "# Well, I live in Los Angeles #" "# Well, I live in Los Angeles #" "# Yeah, well, I live in Los Angeles #" "# Downtown #" "# You know that I live in Los Angeles #" "# Downtown #" "# Well, I live in Los Angeles #" " # From downtown # - # Los Angeles #" "# Downtown #" " # From downtown # - # I live in Los Angeles #" "# Downtown #" " # From downtown # - # I live in Los Angeles #" "# Well, I live in Los Angeles #" "# From downtown #" "# From downtown #" "# From downtown #" "# I've got too much of the city #" " # Of my Los Angeles # - # Downtown #" "# Yeah, I live in Los Angeles #" "# Yeah, well, I live in Los Angeles #" "# You know that I live in Los Angeles #" "# Yeah, well, I live in Los Angeles #" "# Les. #" "(instrumental song begins)"