"( theme music playing )" "According to what we got by shortwave-- and check me on this as I go, huh, Kinch?" "..." "Right, Colonel." "The train started out from here three days ago." "And this is Carinhall, the estate of Reichsmarschall Hermann Göring, head of the Luftwaffe, second in command to Hitler, owner of the greatest art collection-- public or private-- in the history of the world." "Let's here it for Fat Hermann." "Now, when things were going good, the Nazis brought the art collection to Carinhall by the trainload." "Now, they're taking it out by the trainload." "Where to, Colonel?" "We don't know, but undoubtedly to hide it." "Well, the train was headed in the direction of these mountains down here." "If they maintain this direction, another day should find them passing very close to..." "Stalag 13." "HOGAN:" "Right." "Well, it's simple, Colonel." "A couple of my specials on that track and then, bam, a gentle rain of Rembrandts all over the countryside." "Carter..." "I'm just throwing it out for discussion." "Shh, Schultz's coming." "Colonel Hogan, Colonel Hogan, you will never believe me what wonderful honor has been paid to me by what terribly important person-- never, never." "I give up, Schultz." "What?" "I can't tell you." "Good." "Always nice talking to you, Schultz." "Now, if you'll just come back anytime next month, we'll start in right where we left off." "It begins with "Hermann."" "Is that the honor or the person?" "The honor has been paid to me to conduct an august person from Hammelburg to Stalag 13." "And nobody deserves it more, Schultz." "Now, it's always nice talking to you." "Chief Forester of the Third Reich," "Director of the State Theater and Opera," "Hunting Master of Germany, victorious commander of the glorious Luftwaffe and..." "Göring?" "SCHULTZ:" "My lips are sealed." "Göring... coming here?" "Why would he be coming here?" "Well, it is a Luftwaffe prison camp, Colonel." "Yeah, small potatoes." "I don't get it." "Well, maybe Hermann's cracking up." "Schultz, you sure he asked for you personally?" "Me personally, Sergeant Schultz, special and sole guard of honor!" "He's cracking up." "WOMAN ( in Russian accent ):" "Come in." "Sergeant Schultz reporting Herr Reichsmarschall!" "How darling of you, Schultz." "Herr Reichs... marschall." "Ah, he is sleeping." "( softly ):" "Oh..." "Oh, I beg the Reichsmarschall's pardon." "Oh, please, will you convey to the Reichsmarschall-- when he wakes up, of course-- that I had no intention..." "Talk normally!" "You would not awaken Hermann with a club." "Drink, Schultz?" "I'm on duty." "So?" "So, I have a small one." "( chuckles softly )" "You're surprised to see me here, Schultz?" "I would most definitely say..." "yes and no." "And how is my dear Commandant Klink?" "And my small one, LeBeau?" "And..." "Colonel Hogan." "All are in excellent health..." "Fräulein... uh, Frau?" "Marya!" "Frau Göring we left at home." "She's not much fun on a trip." "Just like my wife." "Sit down, Schultz." "To the war!" "May the better side win." "My point of view exactly." "You and Hermann, you have much in common." "I always consider that on the question of strategy in the air war," "Reichsmarschall Göring and myself..." "You're both fat." "Excellent observation." "His uniform will fit you perfectly." "His uniform?" "Or at least as well as it fits him." "While I'm not very good in declining honors" "I haven't got too much practice in it" "I feel that in this case..." "Sit down, Schultz." "Why not?" "Schultz, Hermann, in his position, has had to step on certain toes, you understand." "Go on anyway." "And he was paranoid to start with." "Therefore, when he makes a public entrance, he prefers a double to do it for him." "Very good thinking." "Therefore, when he enters Stalag 13, it will be you." "Hermann will follow quietly." "I will be him?" "Exactly." "I will be Reichsmarschall Göring?" "!" "You will never regret it... unless someone shoots you." "Attention!" "Reichsmarschall Göring has just entered the area." "I want to see every man standing like a statue." "Attention!" "Attention!" "Welcome to..." "You will forgive us, Klink, darling." "Hermann wants to take me to your quarters at once." "Who knows why?" "Driver!" "Hogan, I don't understand it." "I thought he was coming to inspect the camp." "He might get around to it." "And that woman, the Russian, every time she shows up there's trouble." "Why don't you have a man-to-man talk with him, sir?" "With the Reichsmarschall?" "Are you out of your mind, Hogan?" "I don't know..." "I think I might be." "The train's headed this way, then Göring shows up, with Marya." "Why?" "It could be they plan to hide all the stuff here." "Could be." "What's Marya's part in it?" "Above reproach." "Or below." "One of the two." "Okay, I don't like it, but we've got a train to catch, so we'll have to grab Göring." "We're going to kidnap Göring?" "Anybody got a better way?" "Come in, Hogan, darling." "All right, where is he?" "In there, asleep." "Check it." "He's a good sleeper, too." "Oh-ho..." "you're so handsome in your little mask." "And you are so beautiful." "All right, all right, hold it." "Talk to me as he does, Hogan, darling." "I would melt." "Later." "We've come for your boyfriend, which you apparently expected." "Would you remove your mask, Hogan, darling?" "It has been so long." "You don't seem to understand." "We're not here for small talk." "We came to kidnap Hitler's second in command." "Take off your mask or I shall scream!" "Mmm..." "And my small one." "But of course." "Me, too?" "Put it back." "Uh, sure." "All right, watch the door." "Mmm... together again... in love again." "perfect." "Not exactly." "Oh..." "Try to get a grip on reality." "We're here to take Göring, and when the Nazis find out we've got him, the whole roof is going to cave in, which puts all of us-- you included-- in the worst spot in our lives." "All of this just for a trainload of secondhand art?" "You know about the train?" "Figures." "It is really a terrible plan, Hogan, darling." "Suppose you force Hermann to bring the train here." "How do you get it out of Germany?" "We're working on that." "And what happens to the operation here at Stalag 13?" "You will kidnap a Reichsmarschall and go on with business as usual?" "I doubt it very much." "Really, Hogan, darling, you've been too long without a woman." "Your brain has softened." "Hermann!" "Come out, Hermann." "We have company." "Did someone call?" "Schultz?" "Ja, it's... it's Schultz!" "Tell them it's Schultz!" "Who are you?" "All right, what's the game?" "Where's Göring?" "Who knows?" "I never met him." "You see, she is innocent." "All right, knock it off." "Uh, Colonel Hogan, please, may I point out that prisoners of war are not supposed to be out of their barracks after sunset?" "No, you may not point it out." "Just a thought." "All right, all right, what's going on here?" "Hogan, darling, might it not be easier to get the train with a fake Göring than the real one?" "Hmm?" "Yeah... ( gulps )" "I hear nothing." "I see nothing." "Nothing!" "Nothing!" "Would you believe it that Sergeant Schultz has chosen this particular time to go over the hill?" "Schultz AWOL-- shocking, sir." "Well, you may call it "absent without leave,"" "I call it "desertion under fire."" "And, uh... that woman." "( chuckles ironically )" "There I'm with you." "He's got a perfectly nice wife." "Mm-hmm." "Fine house, great art collection." "Why does he get mixed up with her?" "Personally, I think that that woman is..." "Ah!" "Good morning." "Good morning, how wonderful to see you." "You entertain prisoners in your private office, Klink?" "Oh, uh, Colonel Hogan was just leaving-- uh, routine business." "Dismissed, Hogan." "Of course, sir." "What is that, Klink?" "A white glove?" "Schmutz." "It is rather dirty at that." "But, you can assure Reichsmarschall Göring when he comes here on his inspection trip that there will not be as much as a speck of dust-- and get off my desk, Hogan." "Oh." "The Reichsmarschall is not here to inspect-- lucky for you, Klink." "Lucky for me, yes." "However, might I inquire what his mission is?" "Of course, if it's personal, I wouldn't possibly..." "Are we to share the deepest secrets of the Third Reich with a prisoner?" "Of course not." "Hogan, out!" "Now!" "Let him stay." "He will be part of the work detail." "Work detail?" "To bring in the paintings and statuary." "What did I ever see in you, Hogan?" "You never told me." "Um, excuse me." "Uh... paintings?" "Statuary?" "And rugs." "Lots of rugs." "I don't understand." "Should I understand?" "There will be a train, Klink, reaching the station near here very soon." "Blech." "You will send out orders in the name of Reichsmarschall Göring that the contents of the train are to be brought here for storage." "They are priceless." "Certainly not your eyes, they are ordinary." "I cannot remember." "You'll think of it." "But priceless art objects?" "A whole train, to be brought here?" "Give them better care than your desk, huh, Klink?" "Come on, Hogan." "Must have been something." "We will talk about it." "Oh, Hogan?" "How am I to hide a whole trainload?" "How?" "Well, I could use a new rug for my office, sir-- say, 4 x 5." "16th-century Persian would be nice." "Quickly now, quickly." "And carefully, most carefully, huh?" "Colonel Klink?" "Hogan, I'm busy." "Later." "This is a formal protest, sir." "The Geneva Convention states explicitly a prisoner-of-war camp is not to be used for any other purpose." "Colonel Hogan, given a choice between obeying the Geneva Convention and obeying Reichsmarschall Göring," "I know what to do." "It's your decision, sir." "I just hope you don't get hurt too badly in the power struggle." "W-What power struggle?" "Göring/Hitler." "It could pay off like a jackpot for you-- if your side wins." "Ah, I'm taking no sides." "I am completely loyal." "To everyone." "Of course you are." "And good luck to you, sir." "Hogan..." "All right, Kinch, cover us, huh?" "Open it up and let's get going." "( knocking )" "All right, now, just the paintings, huh?" "HOGAN:" "And when you get down below, get it out of the frames, huh?" "Too bulky." "Kinch, confirm with London about the planes for tonight, huh?" "Right after dark, right, Colonel." "All right." "Carter, that's when you stage your attack." "You want me to make that sound like a battalion or a regiment?" "Battalion's fine." "Newkirk and LeBeau, help him out." "Right." "No problem, sir." "No problem at all." "Just wait awhile." "Klink, you are a traitor!" "I assure you, Major Hochstetter," "I have done nothing-- nothing." "A train robbery of art objects worth untold millions?" "That is nothing in your life?" "Major Hochstetter, I explained that to you." "I was given orders by Reichsmarschall Göring himself." "You will not lie to me!" "Of course not, Major Hochstetter." "To anyone else, yes." "But to the Gestapo, no." "Never." "That is much better, Klink." "After all, we are both on the same side, no?" "We should be friends, huh?" "Why not?" "Of course, Major Hochstetter." "Some of my best friends..." "I mean, some of my dearest friends are Gestapo." "Who?" "Who." "Well, there's, uh..." "And then there's, uh..." "Oh, what does that matter, Klink?" "You lied again, huh?" "( both laughing )" "You caught me again." "But never in the big things." "Silence!" "Why did you rob that train?" "I told you, Major Hochstetter," "Reichsmarschall Göring told me to." "Face-to-face?" "Not exactly." "It was relayed to me by the Russian woman." "Klink, has it somehow escaped your vigilance that we are fighting the Russians?" "Major Hochstetter, nothing escapes me." "Nothing." "I believe she was a White Russian." "Ooh, a White Russian." "So that when a White Russian tells you to hold up a train, you do it, huh?" "Not always." "Klink!" "HOCHSTETTER ( on radio ):" "You will stop this childish storytelling and now." "KLINK ( on radio ):" "Any time you say, Major Hochstetter." "Any time." "Why'd he have to show up?" "What now, Colonel?" "Well, in about two minutes they're going to be on their way to inspect Reichsmarschall Göring." "Schultz?" "I don't think he's going to pass inspection." "What happens to Marya?" "Never mind that." "What happens to us?" "Nothing good unless we move fast." "Carter, get outside, start the attack." "Yes, sir." "Kinch, stay in radio contact with the planes." "If they don't get a landing signal, tell them to get out of here and fast." "LeBeau and Newkirk, go with Carter." "What about you, sir?" "I'm on my way to Klink's quarters and don't ask me why because I don't know." "No, no, no, no!" "Have I ever steered you wrong, Schultz?" "Look at you." "Have you ever lived so well in all your life?" "Never!" "But I'd rather be a live sergeant than a dead Reichsmarschall." "How'd you like to be a dead sergeant?" "What do..." "What do you mean by that?" "You're going to tell Hochstetter the whole truth." "Completely." "That you're only filling in for Hermann till Hermann gets here." "By direct orders of Reichsmarschall Göring himself." "Where did you get that idea?" "From you, yesterday." "It's true." "Look, Schultz, if you can't convince us, what chance have you got with the Gestapo?" "Look, Colonel Hogan, I have done nothing." "I ate a little bit," "I drank a little bit champagne." "I have done nothing." "Schultz, we're only trying to help you." "We don't care what you've done." "Thank you, Colonel Hogan..." "How are you going to help me?" "Just be Fat Hermann for five minutes longer." "What's that?" "Nothing-- nothing at all." "And if I refuse?" "Then I'm afraid you're stuck with a very weak story and I'd have to advise you to plead guilty." "Colonel Hogan..." "Now go in there, Schultz-- I mean Hermann-- and put on a lot of shaving cream." "You're going to need it." "( whining ):" "Oh, Colonel Hogan..." "Oh, boy." "But Hogan darling, things are going beautifully." "What do you consider bad?" "You're too modest." "Your ideas are always marvelous." "My idea?" "This whole miserable scheme was yours from the beginning." "True." "Which is why it is so generous of me to insist on only one planeload." "One planeload of what?" "Of paintings to go to Russia." "How am I going to do that?" "They already have their orders." "You will talk to London, Hogan darling, and you do need my cooperation." "Why you..." "Say it, Hogan darling, say it." "Ah." "Commandant Klink and Major Hochstetter." "Did Hermann send for you?" "A thousand pardons for the intrusion." "I just wanted to make sure that you had everything you needed." "That is not the reason, Klink." "What is this man doing here?" "Hogan?" "Oh, I assure you, Major Hochstetter that..." "Hogan, what are you doing here?" "Pouring champagne." "He's pouring champagne, Major Hochstetter." "What is he doing here?" "!" "This camp is commanded by Russians and prisoners." "You do get right to the heart of things, Major." "I will get to more than that-- you are all under arrest for high treason and train robbery." "Major Hochstetter, I assure you this can all be cleared up with just one word from Reichsmarschall Göring." "Ah!" "Reichsmarschall Göring is not here." "He never was here, and tomorrow, neither will you be." "Take them away!" "Hogan!" "Frau whatever- your-name-is, do something." "Hermann, darling, are you free?" "I order champagne, it takes five waiters to bring one bottle." "Out!" "Of course, Herr Reichsmarschall." "Anything you say, Herr Reichsmarschall." "Who is this waiter?" "Colonel Klink, your excellency, welcoming you to Stalag 13." "A pigpen!" "Out!" "( chuckles nervously )" "Pigpen." "Marvelous description, Herr Reichsmarschall." "You coming, Hochstetter?" "One minute." "You understand the Gestapo keeps track of everyone." "Just an hour ago we had a Reichsmarschall Göring at Carinhall, now we have one here." "There is perhaps some simple explanation, huh?" "I doubt it very much." "Aha!" "By which Hermann means he has not the time to give explanations." "Does he have time, Hogan?" "One can but hope." "What is this man doing here?" "!" "Arrest everybody!" "( gunfire outside )" "What is that?" "It sounds like gunfire." "It's an attack." "Call out the guards!" "Call out the guards!" "( alarm ringing )" "NEWKIRK ( softly ):" "The plane takes off in two minutes." "( alarm continues ringing )" "Hurry, keep it moving." "Sounds like partisans, Major." "Here to collect some artwork, maybe." "We will wipe them out." "Come, Klink." "Uh, Major Hochstetter, I think I'd better stay here and protect the Reichsmarschall." "Come!" "Raus." "To the victory, Hogan darling, of the partisans." "Colonel Hogan, what is happening?" "It's hard to predict these things, Schultz." "They may break into camp far enough to get away with some of the paintings." "Oh, no, not that." "And with all this going on," "Göring isn't likely to pay us a visit." "Who would?" "Which releases you for active duty, so you can change uniforms and join the fighting." "Gladly." "Right after I shave." "( explosions continue )" "Ah..." "Why do you constantly fight me, Hogan darling, when the result is always so perfect?" "Why?" "Self-preservation." "No!" "No!" "No!" "Berlin must have better answers than this or heads will roll." "Art masterpieces worth millions missing." "Was Göring here or was he not, huh?" "A night attack in which we suffer six wounded because they shoot at each other." "Major Hochstetter, may I point out to you that my record is still quite clear." "In spite of the attack, not one, single prisoner is missing." "What do I care?" "Let them all escape." "Where are the paintings?" "If I may, Major..." "Uh, it seems to me they're gone for good." "Best organized attack I've ever seen." "Berlin should be pretty happy with you saving the rest of that stuff." "It took courage, sir." "Did I ask for your opinion, Hogan?" "No, sir, but I think you're making a mistake in not blowing your own horn." "So?" "And what shall I report about Göring, huh?" "Was he or was he not?" "I think you're right in staying away from that whole area, sir." "How can I stay away from it?" "Why should I?" "It's touchy." "Commandant Klink has a feeling that Göring may have been here to organize a base against the Führer." "I do?" "You know these high-level power struggles." "They're tricky unless you're really sure of your ground." "Hogan, are you suggesting that nothing should be done about any of these outrageous events?" "Mind like a steel trap, sir." "Or in other words, all is well that ends well." "( growls )" "Major Hochstetter, may I say it was a great pleasure working with you." "And you will give my personal regards to Reichsführer Himmler?" "( growls )" "Raus!" "And I'm giving you 30 days solitary confinement for being absent without leave." "How could this happen to me?" "We'll make it up to you, Schultz." "How about a painting?" "Oh, please."