"This programme contains some strong language." "APPLAUSE" "Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You." "I'm Kirsty Young." "In the news this week, unseen footage from the first series of Top Gear shows how Chris Evans found out he was no longer required." "LAUGHTER" "After a dinner to celebrate her personally endorsing his campaign," "Mary Berry and David Davis make their way home from the restaurant." "LAUGHTER" "And the producers of the movie Fast Furious 9 deny that budget cuts have taken some of the thrill out of the action sequences." "LAUGHTER" "APPLAUSE" "On Ian's team tonight is a comedian who has OCD and supports Leeds United, which must be infuriating for him, as every time he looks at the table, they're just in the wrong place." "Please welcome Jon Richardson." "APPLAUSE" "And with Paul tonight is the political editor of ITV News, who last year grew a moustache to conceal his injuries after falling off his bicycle, both of which were horrific handlebar disasters." "Please welcome Robert Peston." "APPLAUSE" "Ian, I believe you... you won an award today, you've been given an award, haven't you?" "By..." "Is it the Beano or somebody?" "What did you do, send off enough coupons?" "What did you get?" "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah." "Was that your acceptance speech?" "And so we start, then, with the bigger stories of the week." "Ian and Jon, take a look at this." "Big-headed?" "Not at all." "Thomas." "Oh, that's the Nationalised Tank Engine." "JON:" "She's good at that, isn't she?" "Oh, no." "Yeah." "Are you?" "I haven't got a problem with it, but I'll just back up over here." "It's the general election, isn't it?" "It is." "And it's neck and neck." "What did Jeremy Corbyn promise us this week?" "He said he'd be Prime Minister, for a start." "Which is good." "Well, we want to know he wants it." "Um..." "And he said there'd be more spending, and, um..." "More bank holidays!" "Yeah." "Yes!" "That was the sort of..." "AUDIENCE MEMBER:" "Hooray!" "Hooray?" "Do you not want to work, sir?" "You want to idle in bed?" "Watching Midsomer Murders repeats?" "Oh, that's a late lay-in, that." "He promised four days off on the UK's patron saints' day." "What was his response...?" "There were critics who said it would cost the country a lot in lost productivity and what was his riposte to that?" ""I'm not going to get in, anyway, so it don't matter."" "He said that more people were going to spend more money on holiday, which would help to make up for the deficit." "And then somebody said in response to that," ""Then why don't we have all year off?"" "All politicians this week did their sort of customary little speeches, with the compulsory backdrop of supporters." "There's Theresa May." "There's Tim Farron." "And here is Jeremy Corbyn." "Well, he's doing it all wrong." "Our future Prime Minister!" "CHEERING" "APPLAUSE" "It's almost unfair, isn't it?" "Well, he was naively thinking that supporters were there to be spoken to." "What a fool." "What did Boris call Jeremy this week?" "Oh, something mutton-headed." "Mugwump." "Mutton-headed mugwump." "Mugwump." "Is that right?" "That's..." "What a team, yes, that is, indeed, right." "What's really odd about it is it's quite a good thing being a mugwump." "A mugwump is an independent-minded person who's not desperately attached to a political party." "It's not a bad thing to be!" "And I thought they'd locked Boris up in a cupboard." "I thought it was official Tory policy that he just stayed inside the cupboard." "They let him out to say that we're just going to bomb Syria whenever President Trump wants us to." "So, he's not doing any harm, at all!" "Do we know what mugwump really means, though?" "I told you what it meant!" "Are you doubting the political editor of ITV?" "I think he is!" "He is!" "He wins an award and he thinks he's Lord Rothermere." "APPLAUSE" "Extraordinary turnabout!" "Sorry, that was a very insulting thing to say!" "If I thought" "I was Lord Rothermere, I'd get on a plane to France and avoid some tax." "AUDIENCE MEMBER:" "Boo!" "Is that a boo of support for the Daily Mail's proprietor?" "Bloody hell." "And so, what makes Jeremy happy?" "Oh." "I don't think I've seen him laugh." "Take a look at this." "Good comedy." "Good jokes." "Um..." "What makes me laugh is children being happy." "Oh..." "We can add one of the saints' days, St Jeremy's Day." "And what did Jeremy, this week, refuse to say?" "He wasn't going to go on the debates, is that it?" "He said that if Theresa May's not going to do the debates, then rather than accept the open goal..." "ROBERT:" "Totally right." "JON: ..to put his policies across without being interrupted, he's not going to do them, either." "I was thinking of a slightly bigger issue." "Could there be a bigger issue?" "A sad child?" "APPLAUSE" "Is this Trident?" "Yes, he said he would refuse to press the big red button." "He's not going to press the red button and I quite like that." "APPLAUSE" "Who would press the big red button?" "If you were in that position, do you think you'd take the decision?" "It should be like the National Lottery." "You should get your chance to have the red button for a day, see what people do with it." "Corbyn got a barrage of flak from, predictably, the right-wing press, for "undermining the UK's nuclear deterrent"." "Although when Labour's defence spokeswoman," "Nia Griffiths, said, then... ..the Sun called her "trigger-happy"." "Can you be trigger-happy with a button?" "You can be button-happy, but it doesn't really make much sense, does it?" "You get the gist, I guess." "I do get the gist, indeed." "On the subject of refusing to answer, let's talk about gay sex." "Why not?" "Bit early for me, but OK, here we go!" "APPLAUSE" "I know it's what you want." "Robert, you really nailed Tim Farron at the weekend." "Beg your pardon?" "APPLAUSE" "Well, we certainly talked a lot about gay sex, that's certainly true." "And on the programme?" "And on the programme!" "Will you be applying the same criteria to all candidates?" "Are you going to ask them all about people's sex lives and whether they agree with gay sex and gay marriage?" "Obviously, I'm going to have to." "A straight answer." "GROANS" "No, no, no, it's remarks like that that won Ian an award this week!" "APPLAUSE" "Maybe Tim Farron could have adopted the more nuanced approach of a would-be Ukip councillor in Glasgow," "Gisela Allen." "She told the Sunday Herald newspaper..." "LAUGHTER" "I'm quoting her!" "Oh, yes." "I wasn't confused, I was just..." "OK." "Shocked!" "Shocked!" "Gisela is 84, she has a wide range of views." "She's anti-plastic bags, but very pro-horses." "Difficult to get your shopping in, though." "Shove it up..." "Stop it!" "She also has a thought that would surely resonate with us all." "Speaking of the guillotine, probably the way things are going in France," "Ian, we might be seeing the return of that." "Um, yes, the far-right party came second." "But unlike in America, that doesn't mean they won." "APPLAUSE" "They might do yet." "So, the...the establishment has been defeated." "Do you think the idea that Macron is not the establishment is ludicrous?" "A lot of people say that he's the establishment." "Yes." "He was a cabinet minister in the last government?" "ROBERT:" "And a banker." "And a banker." "For Rothschild." "Yeah." "And he's..." "So, he's not the establishment." "No." "OK." "Not any more." "OK, he's the establishment, but Le Pen, Marine, is she the establishment?" "I mean, she's the daughter of a former presidential far-right candidate." "She's the daughter of a racist, anti-Semitic, far-right candidate, yeah." "Good." "APPLAUSE" "JON:" "Can I just ask, are we allowed...?" "You're pronouncing these words very French." "Are we allowed to do that, now we're coming out of the EU?" "It's not been a great week for UKIP leader Paul Nuttall." "He proposed a ban on Muslim women hiding their face in public." "His proposal to ban the full face veil led to this rather brilliant question on Sky News." "So, one presumes that big hats are also going to be banned by a UKIP government?" "Er, no, not big hats at all." "Are there no questions about the Conservatives, at all?" "They're coming!" "Is that the new BBC policy?" "APPLAUSE" "I mean, I don't want to question the superior wisdom of the BBC, particularly not with Robert here." "Well done." "Thank you." "Ian, that award has changed you." "Yeah." "OK." "The Tories are coming." "Oh, God, I hope not." "Enough of them in already." "Do you want some more water with that?" "APPLAUSE" "No, I'm fine, thanks, Paul." "So, what I'm going to do is I'm going to..." "LAUGHTER" "..I'm going to issue you a photograph that was taken on the campaign trail this week." "You have to guess what we're going to pull out to, to see in the rest of the picture." "Ah, right, OK." "OK?" "Yes." "So, fingers on buzzers." "Here's Lib Dem MSP candidate Willie Rennie, but what are we going to see?" "BUZZER Yeah?" "Artificially inseminating a sheepdog." "I'm reading it from the shadows behind him." "I was going to say, "Shall we pull out and have a look?"" "But somehow, that's..." "No, no, no." "Let's just see what's happening." "Mr Rennie..." "Oh!" "Oh!" "He's being attacked by a ram in a field in Fife." "Farming issues are high on the agenda for Mr Rennie." "Let's just remind ourselves, then, of one of the highlights from the campaign of the 2016 Scottish parliamentary election." "We like to organise our visits, to send a message in pictorial terms exactly what we're asking for." "And I think this does it very well today." "There's something about his voice that gets them going." "OK, right, fingers on buzzers." "What are we going to see?" "BUZZER Paul and Robert?" "So, we are going to see the leader of the Labour Party reading a story" " I'm afraid it's the right answer - to some children." "This is how you win elections - you go into primary schools and you say..." "Speak to people who can't vote. ..in 15 years' time..." "Yeah, you'll remember me!" "..15 years' time..." "Exactly." "You know, they'll go out there and vote Labour." "You're quite right, Robert, this is Jeremy Corbyn reading to children in Bristol." "JON:" "Couldn't find a chair again, eh?" "Now, Theresa May outlined an unusual plan to keep immigration down this week." "What was that?" "By letting in a lot more people." "Let's take a little look, shall we?" "We want to lead the world in preventing tourism." "The Tories have announced one policy that we've heard before." "What was that?" "Is that capping electricity?" "Yeah, it is, a cap on fuel prices." "Yeah, that was a very bad idea when Ed Miliband announced it." "Yeah." "But now they've announced the same thing, it's a really good idea." "In the old days it was interfering in the market, but now it's..." "It's interfering in the market." "But it's a very good idea, because the Tories are doing it." "Do you see the difference?" "If Labour do it, it's very, very bad." "If the Conservative Party do it, it's intervening in a good sense to provide a stable, strong, strong and stable..." "LAUGHTER ..stable." "APPLAUSE" "She's a Christian, but she doesn't get asked about her views on gay sex, does she?" "Will she?" "Will she?" "She will be." "Up against a strong, stable table." "APPLAUSE" "But she won't come on your show, will she?" "She won't do any television." "She is coming on the show." "She is coming on your show?" "On Sunday." "Oh, brilliant!" "So there we are." "Do watch, it's on ITV." "I wonder if this bit will stay in BBC's Have I Got News For You." "Now, of course, the polls are showing Theresa May has the highest approval rating of any Prime Minister for over 40 years." "That includes Thatcher." "Let's take a look at what one fan in Bolton thinks of her." "She could come out in a bin bag, for me, and I think she would still be strong." "I don't want her to come out in a body bag, just a bin bag!" "Yes, it is week two of the election campaign." "Following a controversial interview with Robert Peston," "Lib Dem leader and committed Christian Tim Farron clarified his position, saying..." "Which let Nick Clegg off the hook for buggering the Lib Dems for five years." "APPLAUSE" "UKIP made a policy announcement this week, saying they would ban the burqa, though Paul Nuttall insisted..." "APPLAUSE" "Unlike the Tories, most of their candidates are going to have blankets over their heads when they're thrown in the back of those police vans." "AUDIENCE MEMBER:" "Boo!" "That won't go in." "Jeremy Corbyn's bank holiday announcement came as some" "English voters celebrated St George's Day." "Good for UKIP, except they want to ban what that horse there is wearing." "So, Paul and Robert, let's take a look at this." "Oh, yes, this is how to throw a dinner party in the 1950s..." "Oh, hummus, yes, there's a hummus shortage." "That's a man, unbelievably, "No hummus, no hummus!"" "Yes, there's been a huge drought of hummus, it's run out." "The man that produces it, Hugh Muss, has said that, uh... it's got a metallic taste to it now and the supermarkets have taken it off their shelves." "There's a great debate." "It's gone missing." "For those of us in the liberal metropolitan elite, this is more of a disaster even than Brexit." "APPLAUSE" "I hope there's still taramasalata." "Is there?" "What about quinoa?" "What would we do?" "What was that last one?" "Quinoa?" "Quinoa." "Quinoa." "Oh, what's that?" "It's a terrorist group." "Very like hummus." "Yeah, you're quite right." "Why have Sainsbury's," "Tesco's and Marks and Sparks withdrawn hummus from their shelves?" "People have complained it's tasted funny." "Metallic taste." "And fizzy." "And fizzy." "Fizzy?" "Yes, fizzy." "This wasn't the most shocking food news we've had this week." "What else have shoppers reacted to in amazement?" "Oh, Blue Riband, not going to be made." "Is that the one?" "Jobs going at Blue Riband?" "No." "Well, they're moving." "The jobs are moving." "Moving." "Yeah." "Nestle has said..." "To a different country, I think." "Yeah, they're going to move 300 biscuit-making jobs from Britain to Poland." "That's going to be hard to get home at night." "And social media was set alight by people baffled and upset that a biscuit they'd always thought was called Blue Ribbon..." "Yeah." "Is it "..nd"?" "It's the D on the end, isn't it?" "Yeah, it's called Blue Riband." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Why did people think it was called Blue Ribbon?" "I have no idea, because it's been called that since 1936." "It has!" "Consumers were so deeply traumatised..." "PAUL LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY" "You saw people crying in the streets." "Yeah." "They went online to vent their horror." "Oh, dear." "Yeah, of course they did." "Becca wrote..." "And Terry agreed, with..." "I'm going to do a little experiment with you now..." "Yes. ..which I know you'll love." "Have you got some?" "No, we've not got an endless budget, Ian." "But only 99p for a packet of eight, I noticed on that still earlier, and at 99 calories a treat, that's fun for all the family." "Are they paying you?" "Let's hope so, after this goes out." "So what I'd like you to do in this little experiment is write down the name as it appears on the label of a Kit Kat." "LIGHT MUSIC PLAYS" "No conf..." "Da-da-da-da!" "No conferring?" "No conferring." "It's like the Tory Cabinet." "Make it up yourself." "OK, I've written Kit Kat, because I'm presuming that's how it's written on the label." "Right, Robert, let's see yours." "Just says Kit Kat, really." "Yeah, it's a circle with Kit Kat on it." "Right." "I put a hyphen in it." "Yeah." "Oh, could be a hyphen, yeah." "I've got Peston On Politics, this Sunday at nine, featuring Theresa May." "Aww, I love you!" "APPLAUSE" "Actually, that's sabotage, it's ten." "Ah!" "It hasn't got a hyphen, that's what I was going to say." "Oh!" "We were right." "No hyphens over here." "Amazing." "233 calories, though, you're better off with two Blue Riband." "APPLAUSE" "Robert, do you think the move by Nestle of the jobs to Poland, do you think it's related to Brexit?" "They say it isn't, which almost certainly means it is." "Because what companies say when they move jobs is," ""It's got nothing to do with Brexit."" "Robert, you answered that so rapidly and concisely, and thank you for that." "You didn't do what you did when Bill Turnbull asked you a question about the Greek economy." "Let's have a look." "At what point do you say, you know, to all intents and purposes, the Greek economy is failing to function?" "Aren't those the surface things that have to work?" "HE SIGHS" "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "In other food-related news..." "Yes." "..do you say scone, or do you say s-cone?" "I thought it was s-cone." "I thought it was scone." "I mean, who cares, really, but..." "The Scone Society of Great Britain!" "Cambridge University have done the Great Scone Map." "Apparently, the further south you live, the more likely you are to say s-cone than scone." "The Mail Online lamented the "fading away of regional dialect words"." "Probably for the best." "A scone in the autumn does sound better than a muffin in the backend." "APPLAUSE" "So now it's on to Round Two and it's a welcome return for the Randomiser of News." "Fingers on buzzers, teams." "Here's your first one." "BUZZER" "Ian and Jon." "That's Ivanka." "It is." "Oh, that's a bit harsh." "What's Ivanka been up to?" "She appeared on a platform to discuss the role of women in the globe." "She was on with Mrs Merkel and Christine Lagarde, and got booed in Berlin." "She did, yes." "Let's just take a look at what happened." "I'm very proud of my father's advocacy." "Long before he came into the presidency, but during the campaign, including in the primaries, he's been a tremendous champion of supporting families and enabling them to thrive, in the new reality of..." "BOOING" "You hear the reaction from the audience." "What do you make of Ivanka?" "I checked her Twitter page today." "She's got four jobs." "It says she's a wife, a mother, a sister and a daughter." "To have time to do what she's done, I think, is remarkable." "So, she's got an official role." "She's the First Daughter." "Yeah." "It didn't use to be a job." "I think, politically, she's quite astute." "She gave $1,000 to Hillary Clinton in 2007, so she clearly knows what she's doing politically." "It was also revealed this week that Donald has a special red button on his desk..." "Is this Duck or Trump?" "Unfortunately, it's Trump, yes!" "Do we know what this special red button is for?" "Ordering takeaway." "You're not far off." "There was an Associated Press article reflecting on President Trump's first 100 days in office." "It revealed that..." "That's not worrying in the slightest, is it?" "That's absolutely fine." ""Where's my Coke and why's it gone very bright outside?"" "So this is the news that Ivanka Trump made her first overseas trip as an advisor to her father." "Ivanka has denied charges of nepotism and said that her father's senior advisor considered her the best candidate for the job." "And why would her brother lie?" "So, fingers on buzzers, teams." "Here's the next one." "BUZZER" "Ian and Jon." "This is a church service to bless asparagus." "Oh, yes!" "It was to bless the crops." "People got very upset or something, didn't they?" "People objected." "What, to asparagus being blessed?" "Yeah." "There was very little gay sex in the service, so..." "Well, you're quite right." "It's the news that the asparagus festival kicked off this week in Worcester." "The festival began with a special ceremony." "The reason it was controversial was that, as you say, the festival opened with this blessing." "It took place actually in Worcester Cathedral." "Let's take a little look." "The man in the green." "He is Gus, as in asparagus..." "LAUGHTER" "..who has been a fixture of the festival since 2008." "Now, who would like to see pictures of Gus going about his normal day?" "Yeah!" "Here's Gus having a day out at Big Ben." "Here is Gus on a train." "And here he is on a bed of wilted spinach covered in sesame seeds." "At this festival of asparagus, attendees will also be able to meet the first asparamancer." "What do you think an asparamancer is?" "Someone who conjures up asparagus?" "Like a necromancer." "Oh, yes." "That's a good answer." "Gets it from the ground where there was none before." "No." "So much for etymology." "KIRSTY LAUGHS" "The asparamancer, also known as Jemima Packington, claims to tell the future using only asparagus." "Oh, really?" ""I think my wee is going to smell tomorrow."" "Doesn't happen with all people." "Doesn't it?" "It's a certain gene that's responsible for it." "And where does she live?" "APPLAUSE" "Finally, how did John Humphrys confuse his bishops this week?" "Was it Thought For The Day?" "It was just after Thought For The Day." "Shall we have a little listen?" "Not bad odds." "This is the controversial church service held in Worcester Cathedral to bless the first asparagus of the season." "Worcester Cathedral has been criticised for blessing a bundle of asparagus, accompanied by St George and Gus the Asparagus Man." "He's actually the fifth person to wear the asparagus costume." "The first four were strangled by a big blue elastic band." "It's time now for the Odd One Out round." "Ian and Jon, your four are" "Peter Maddox's Vauxhall Corsa," "Gik wine, a striped house in Kensington and Pantone 448C." "I know about the guy and his car, because he lives in quite a pretty village and they don't like him driving that car because it gets in people's photographs of his house." "The village, I assume nobody likes whoever's house that is." "I think they've just won their appeal." "That's right." "Because there was a problem, this was called the toothpaste house." "And someone redesigned it and the other people in the street said it looks like a tube of toothpaste." "There's three stripes on Aquafresh, anyway." "It's just a bad analogy." "But they are allowed to have that colour, he's allowed to have that colour." "I don't see how they can stop him." "We're not allowed this colour of black any more." "It's too depressing." "It's the same colour as the house it's next to." "Oh, yes." "And we're not talking about the fact they've started making wine for dogs." "I don't think you're going to get this, it is they have all been criticised for their, apart from Pantone 448C, which is so ugly, apparently, it's been chosen as the perfect choice" "for plain cigarette packets." "How did the World Health Organization describe the colour?" "Sickly." "They described it as "Visually offensive and a..."" "I think you went to school with him, didn't you?" "The colour does have an alternative name, to Pantone 448C, it is..." "I thought we voted against this kind of thing." "Opakwee Couch." "It's clearly Opakwee Couch." "What's the point in putting this to the people if we continue to defy their will?" "Unbelievable." "And Gik wine has been criticised by Spanish authorities for its bright blue colour." "Shall we just take a little look?" "How did one wine taster describe Gik?" "PAUL BARKS" "APPLAUSE" "He said it had a delightful bouquet, with zesty floral notes, hindered only slightly by also having the appearance of..." "I love that." "I love that." "And as you said, Ian, a businesswoman who painted her house with red and white stripes has won a High Court battle." "Good news for her, bad news for next door's pet chameleon which has had a nervous breakdown." "Peter Maddox's yellow Vauxhall Corsa was vandalised by fellow residents, who claimed the car was ruining the look of their pretty Cotswold village when it was parked outside his house." "Do you agree?" "No." "Apparently, Vauxhall love him." "They've renamed the car, apparently." "They've renamed the paint colour." "It was originally known as flaming yellow." "It's now..." "Do we know how some people showed their support for Mr Maddox?" "Did everyone wear yellow?" "No, they turned up in their bright yellow cars." "Take a look." "It's a Lib Dem rally!" "APPLAUSE" "They've all been criticised for their colour, apart from Pantone 448C, which has the honour of being voted the world's ugliest colour." "And that's why even the biggest porn fan thinks twice before going to see Fifty Shades of Pantone 448C." "Paul and Robert, here are your four." "The tiger mascot for the Siliwangi Military Command in Indonesia," "Archimedes," "Millicent Fawcett and Cristiano Ronaldo." "Ronaldo recently had a statue made of him, didn't he?" "So it's him, sort of, looking funny or amused, I think." "So it's about statues, I think." "It is." "The mascot, I don't know anything about that, but I imagine it's a pretty grim mascot." "I think the statue was regarded as laughable and presumably, there'll be a..." "I know there isn't yet a statue of" "Fawcett, the rather impressive woman on the left, who was a suffragette in the 19th century, but Theresa May has promised that there WILL be..." "Ah!" "..a statue of her in Parliament Square." "There is a statue of Archimedes." "There must be one somewhere, presumably." "But someone objected to it." "Oh, really?" "So, they're all statues people have objected to, apart from Fawcett, who's going to get a statue." "She must be the odd one out." "They're all subjects of controversial statues, apart from, as you said, Millicent Fawcett, whose planned statue is being welcomed as it will be the first female statue in Parliament Square." "Women eventually got the vote, of course, in 1918, as we know." "What didn't happen until 1928?" "It was over 30, wasn't it, when it started?" "In 1928, the voting age for women was lowered, giving them identical voting rights to men." "In time, of course, this allowed women to be elected to Parliament, to play a bigger role in public life and occasionally, even appear on panel shows!" "APPLAUSE" "One male Telegraph journalist reporting on the statue, wrote that..." "And so Portugal, as you say, decided to honour Cristiano Ronaldo by renaming Madeira Airport after him and unveiling this bronze bust at one of its terminals." "Here is the world-famous footballer, Ronaldo." "And here's the statue." "How did the sculptor, Emanuel Santos, take criticism of his work?" "It's a side of Cristiano that we don't normally see." "Something like that." "He claimed that Ronaldo," "Ronaldo's brother and Ronaldo's mum loved the work, adding..." "When the bust was unveiled, why was Batman at the airport?" "Had he just come back from his holidays?" "Apparently, genuinely, nobody had any idea." "And so, a statue of the majestic, fearsome Sumatran tiger mascot of the Siliwangi Military Command in Indonesia went viral this week." "Here it is." ""What does he want from us?"" "Those mad, staring eyes, that gaping, mad mouth." "According to a spokesman for the Siliwangi Military Command, why did the statue end up looking so unlike the ferocious beast it was supposed to resemble?" "Um, they couldn't get the head they wanted." "The spokesman said it was because the artist..." "APPLAUSE" "The poor little statue's now been destroyed, but how did some people honour the statue before its demise?" "Well, they took, of course, to editing it into famous pictures online." "Yes." "One person put the tiger in Jungle Book." "One in the TV series, Lost." "And another made him star in the film, Life Of Pi." "APPLAUSE" "A nude statue of Archimedes is said to be distracting drivers on a road in Basingstoke." "Who in particular has complained about the statue?" "Is it a local councillor?" "No, several locals, including a guy called Steve Gould, who wrote a letter to the council claiming that the statue was..." "According to the Daily Telegraph, Christian De Ferranti, the wife of the statue's owner, said the offending object had been blown out of all proportion." "So, let's settle this once and for all and take a little look." "Do you find this distracting?" "No, not really." "I didn't even know he was from Basingstoke." "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "So, they are all the subject of a controversial statue, apart from Millicent Fawcett, whose planned statue is being welcomed as it will be the first female statue in Parliament Square." "At the moment, the most popular statues in Parliament Square are, one, Winston Churchill, two, Abraham Lincoln, and..." "# Three!" "Nelson Mandela!" "#" "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "The offending naked statue of Archimedes is outside the owner's house." "I'm told it's a large, impressive semi, but don't know much about the house." "It's all smut with you, Kirsty, isn't it?" "I've got to get it out somehow, Ian." "So, it's time now for the Missing Words round, which this week features as its guest publication..." "It's a good read, despite always getting slammed by the critics." "And we start with..." "Waffles on and on and on..." "The answer is..." "This week, Avik Caron was sentenced to five years in jail after pleading guilty to stealing over 3,000 tonnes of syrup, valued at $18 million." "Wow." "One Canadian journalist said the theft was..." "Particularly bad news, the Quebec Maple Syrup Company." "Yeah, well, it's about time somebody stuck it to those bastards, isn't it?" "So, Paul..." "Next..." "SM gear." "I actually saw this story." "It was good because, you know, it's obviously a disaster for me." "Yes." "It's gold hot pants." "LAUGHING:" "That's right." "What?" "APPLAUSE" "Is that where you've been getting yours, too?" "I put an order in just before Christmas." "Next..." "Two very satisfied customers from Henry Gibson's Door Company, Stratford." ""I always buy my doors here," says a delighted Davro." "JON:" "Will host Door Of The Year Awards." "Yes, they'll be..." "Present?" "Ah, that's good." "..at the Federation shindig." "Yeah, the answer is..." "Ah, you see." "Oh, the HARDWARE Federation's got in there, then." "They've sneaked in." "Before the performance, the Federation showed Bobby their wider range of products." "Not the first time, he turned up and was very quickly shown the door." "Next..." "Laughing loudly behind old women in building societies." "I was very good at that when I was about 19, but, no," ""It's not a sport." Oh, well." "One rule for the rich." "Is it bribery?" "No!" "That's not an ALTERNATIVE Olympic sport." "Oh, sorry." "That is a mainstream." "Mainstream, core." "No, the answer is..." "This week, UK Sport made a series of cuts to their Olympic budget." "Some people submitted cheaper alternative sports, including the sport of rolling tyres down a ski jump." "Shall we have a clip, to see what it looks like?" "I think we should have a look, if it's there." "That was brilliant!" "APPLAUSE" "The object is to see who can get the tyre to jump the furthest." "One man once got 45 metres and that must have been a good year." "GROANS" "And, lastly..." "Invade Gibraltar." "They will." "You just can't trust 'em." "They're threatening to come to Britain." "Robert, you're quite right." "Experts have warned that an amorous Spanish slug is currently invading Britain, mating with native species and creating super-slugs, which are threatening to ruin gardens and crops this summer." "One scientist claimed it was the biggest threat to British slugs since..." "Although the Durham slug is actually just a northern snail that refuses to wear a shell, even in winter." "APPLAUSE" "So, the final scores are" "Ian and Jon have seven," "Paul and Robert have nine." "APPLAUSE" "Well done, mate, well done." "On which note, we say thank you to our panellists," "Ian Hislop and Jon Richardson, Paul Merton and Robert Peston, and I leave you with news that with the election campaign meaning an early start every morning," "Jacob Rees-Mogg gets a new alarm clock." "In Val d'Isere, one skier makes sure he has safely tucked his Samsung Galaxy Note 7 into his back pocket." "And in a Washington recording studio, the first take is laid down for the powerful rock ballad" "It's Gonna Be So Great." "Goodnight." "APPLAUSE"