"Did I tell you how grateful I am to you for giving me the strength and courage to stop hiding?" " They're getting "married"." "The lesbians." " Ah!" " Are you sure about this?" " Course." "You can get on with your work, I'll only be half an hour, 40 minutes." " What's happened?" " Kate's been hit by a car." "I wish you were here." "Do we know any more about what's happened to the idiots that" " knocked her down?" " Oh, did I not tell you?" " They were released... on bail." " Do you really want to marry me?" "I've wanted to marry you since I was 16." "Can you, knowing you murdered his brother?" "When you told me about our Eddie, that he used to knock you about, I knew." "That's why I was convinced that you'd done something to him." "I lived in terror every day for years." " If I had killed him, would you have blamed me?" " No." "But you didn't." "Did you?" ""Because murder's murder," he said." "I've always imagined that one day I could tell him the truth." "And he would understand." "But now I know that he never would." "Ever." "*LAST TANGO IN HALIFAX* Season 04 Episode 01 "Episode-01" Precisely Synchronized by srjanapala" "Oh, hello, now what?" "Hello?" "Mum!" "Guess what." "The aliens have landed." "No, not yet." "I've..." "Well, they might have but no-one's told me." "I've got a new headship." "I've just had a phone call, just now." "I didn't even know you'd applied for a headship." "No, well, I didn't tell anyone." "Four months and five interviews later," "I've found out I pipped all the other candidates to the post." "Oh, well... good for you, congratulations." "Where is it?" "What sort of school is it?" "Will you get more money?" "I'll come on to that." "The point is, I'm selling the house." "We're moving." "I've just rung the estate agents just now, so..." "Oh, really?" "Yeah." "'OK, so...'" "So obviously you and Alan will have to decide whether you're going to move with me, or move in with Gillian and Robbie, or... get a place of your own." "What's happened?" "Well, where is it?" "You're not going down south?" "No." " 'Is it abroad?" "'" " No." "No." "It's in Huddersfield." "It's a state school." "What, like... where the ordinary people go?" "Oh, hell's bells." "Spit it out." "I don't think it's in a very nice area." "How can you tell?" "Oh, my God!" "Crow Wood Park!" "That's where Adrian Bottomley got sent when they expelled him." "It's where that science teacher got stabbed last year." "He pulled through." "I needed a challenge." "Good." "You can get stale." "Absolutely." "And that's no good for anyone." "What do the boys think?" "Wow." "Wow." "Also, I decided it was time to put something back." " Back into..." " Yeah." "Society." "I was born lucky." "All my life, I've been lucky, so..." "So, when will you take over?" "After Christmas." "Spring term." "Course, I've got the house to sell." "Find something a bit nearer." "I thought maybe round here." "It'll be a big change." "Yeah." "And on your own?" "Yeah." "You weren't lucky when Kate died." "I met her." "I knew her." "We spent time together." "We had Flora." "That was lucky." "Being married to John for God knows how long." "Was that lucky?" "Gosh." "Wow." "Well, of course, she started out in the state sector all those years ago." "In the '80s." "When we were both young enough and stupid enough to imagine this country was capable of achieving something resembling social justice." "Why's he dressed like James Bond?" "Why are you dressed like James Bond?" "Oh, there's a car coming to take us to London." "I did tell you." "Judith's..." "She's been nominated for the Carnegie Medal for children's fiction." "Are you ready?" "Him and his little friend better not mess up the house while we're out." "They do know that, don't they?" "Course they do." " Huddersfield?" " I know!" "But that's like the dark side of the moon and shit." "It's not, no." "It's not." "No." "Well, that's well nice." " I did it because of you, Olga." " Me?" "Partly." "Going on about me being a sharp-elbowed, entitled, over-privileged... which I'm not, by the way... rich bitch." "So that's it?" "If I want to see you, I have to go to..." "Huddersfield." "So you didn't register the bit where I explained that I'm taking over a really tough school?" "That I'm giving up my... my also demanding, yet at the same time no longer challenging, job in the private sector in the hope that I can make a real difference to someone one day." "Like you told me I should." "Yeah, whatever, that's quite cool." "I'm not going till Christmas." "I still have the house to sell and look, this was..." "It was nice but it was never meant to be..." "Was it?" "Here, Mummy." "Oh!" "She says that to everybody." "Ah!" "Wow." "What do you think?" "It's..." " It's different." " Morning!" " Morning!" " Good morning." "Well, your granny and Alan like it." "Course, there's a lot wants doing." "We said that when we looked round, didn't we?" "Oh." "Did it smell damp when we looked round?" "Shall I offer to make these fellas a cup of tea?" "Yeah." "Shall we let them do a bit of work first, and then?" "Sure, I just thought, they'll have been driving for an hour or so." "I'm sure they're used to it." "I'm sure they're used to driving much further." "Well, never goes amiss, keeping workers happy." "Absolutely." "They are, however, being paid." "Quite handsomely." "They won't be." "It'll be the company, creaming the profits." "Well, maybe when we've found the kettle, maybe then." "We've got ours!" "It's always the last thing to pack, first thing to unpack." "First rule of flitting, knowing where the kettle is." "These, here, are mouse droppings." "Oh, my God." "That is so unhygienic." "I'm afraid it's just me." "I can handle that." "Effortlessly, I appear to have pissed everyone off." "Oh, it went well, then?" "The move?" "What're we drinking?" "Oh, the usual shite." "I'm thinking about becoming a lesbian." "Oh, Christ, that's rough." "You will notice I, too, am alone." "Is there anything I can help you ladies with?" "Ladies?" "Who's he trying to kid?" "Who you trying to kid?" "Yes, thank you." "A smaller table and a wine list." ""Damp?" "What do you mean, damp?" "I've just paid £1,700"" ""for a highly detailed, exhaustive survey, there is no damp."" "Then that was it, she was obsessed." "We're going to have to rethink the bedroom scenario." "I'm sorry." "Come again?" "It's all under the window in that room we've been allocated." "You can feel it." "You can see it." " "Allocated"?" " Alan will back me up." "Yeah, Mum." "Mum, no-one's been "allocated" anything." "You chose it, the first time we looked round." "It is..." "It does seem..." "I do think you've..." "We've possibly... got a problem in there with the... the... the..." "It's damp." "We can't sleep in there, with my chest." "Your chest?" "What's wrong with your chest?" "I had bronchitis when I was 17." "You're 78!" "Well... yes." "And that." "So my mother has suddenly decided she's Emily Bronte and she's got galloping consumption and she's on her last legs." "Obviously, there's your dad's heart condition to consider, which is a concern, and so we find ourselves confronted with a logistical conundrum." "The only other bedroom's that tiny one at the far end, so it'd make more sense if me and Alan had the one you're in." "Oh, the other big one." "And you had the smaller one." "Seeing as there's only one of you, at the moment." "Nice." "Thoughtful." "I resisted the urge to point out that if they actually took the plunge and bought a place of their own, instead of persistently hedging their bets between your house and mine, it'd make the world a much simpler place." "Why?" "Why did you resist?" "Why didn't you say it?" "And then Greg turned up with Flora, two days earlier than planned, because this new woman he's got..." " Bridget." " Bridget!" "She's basically allergic to anyone under the age of 18." "I'm sorry." "It's fine." "It's not fine, I wanted to help out." "Is she all right?" "She's just..." "What is up with her?" "Bridget?" "She's just one of those women that's..." "What?" " You know, bonkers." " Hm." "They were supposed to have her the whole weekend till I got settled in, so that didn't happen, and then Lawrence turned up, with John and the entourage." "Oh, I love it, Caroline!" "I'd love to live in the middle of bloody nowhere without anyone to piss me off every five minutes." "Course, there's a lot that needs doing." "But I imagine you're on top of all that." "Would you like some tea?" "Tea?" "Are you sure you're not too busy?" "It's not working out, him living with me and Judith." "He's not happy, he wants to come here and live with you." "Well, how the hell's that going to work?" "He can't commute to Harrogate every day and he can't change schools, not now, he's just about to sit his A2s!" "He's only got two terms left." "Yes, well, maybe you should've thought about that when you decided to change schools." "Look, y-y-you're going to have..." "I'm starting this new job after Christmas, I've got Flora to think about, I've got my mother and Alan to worry about." "I can't start panicking about making sure he gets to Harrogate and back every day." "I know it's not ideal, but it's Judith, she's not..." "She could so easily fall back off the wagon." "He would have to be at the train station in Halifax at six o'clock, every morning, day in, day out." "That means getting up at five." "It's a two-and-a-half-hour journey, both ways, and he'd have to change at Leeds." "I have looked into it, I'm not happy that he's not living with me." "And yet, you were the one who decided to move here." "All right, I'll talk to her again." "But he can stay here now, can't he, for the holidays?" "What is John doing with Judith?" "I don't know." "Who knows?" "Who cares?" "Anyway, sod that." "Tell me why you're thinking of becoming a lesbian." "Oh." "It's Robbie." "It's ever since he's retired." "I can't stand it." "I didn't know he'd retired." "A week last Friday." "Oh." "OK." "And now he's just there..." "all the time." "All the time." "And if I go out, he follows me." "Round t'farm." "I went upstairs for a wee the other day and he goes," ""Where you going?" And, like, suddenly every move I make is accountable." "I made a cake on Tuesday... which you may think isn't very me, but it's not unheard of... and he's all," ""What you done that for?"" "You know, like I'd just constructed a weapon of mass destruction." ""Because I felt like it!" "It's a f-f-f... bloody cake!"" "It's like being cornered." "In your own... head." " Wow." " I know." " But he's not here now." " Oh." "Just as we were getting ready, getting changed, we were in the bedroom." "Why don't you wear that dress?" "What dress?" "That green one." "Because I'm wearing this." "I like that green one." "You wear it, then." "And that must've touched a nerve." "He must have hang-ups about his masculinity or something," "God knows, because it nose-dived into meltdown at that point." "Just leave me alone!" "All of you!" "I'm sick of the lot of you!" "It's take, take, take!" ""Me, me, me!" Nag, nag, nag, all the time, every day!" "Well, enough!" "I've had enough!" "You can all f-f-f..." "Do one." "And don't follow me to the restaurant!" "You go to another restaurant, one I'm not in." "What... did you say to her?" "I just..." "I don't know." "I just suggested wearing a dress." "Her, not me." "OK." "Yeah." "Big." "I didn't realise." "No, I mean, I did." "At the wedding." "When you..." "When we..." "But I guess I thought... you'd... moved on." " What did we say at the wedding?" " Well, when you... didn't want to go through with it and we decided it was easier to go through with it than to pull out... then, on the day, because you could always... get divorced." "Afterwards." "We did say that." "We did say that." "So has everything... been OK?" "Up until...?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "I mean, ish." "God, I'd forgotten." "That would've been bad." "On the day." "To pull out." "I hadn't forgotten, I'd just..." "Buried it." "I was worried I'd feel guilty, I was worried I'd get obsessed." " With guilt." "About Eddie." " But you haven't?" " No." " So, that's good, isn't it?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "Hm..." "Yeah." "Good morning." "Alan." "How's it going?" "Oh!" "It's..." "Yeah!" "Damp." "In one of t'bedrooms and we think we've got mice." "Vermin." "Yeah." "It'll be smashing once she's... we've sorted everything out." "There's a lovely view." "She's in a funny mood, Gillian." "Oh." "He's driving me up the wall." "He seems busy enough now." "I keep having to set him tasks!" "It's like having a six-year-old in the school holidays, finding him activities so he's not under your feet." "He'll settle down." "It takes a bit of getting used to." "Retirement." "It's not as easy as people think." "Especially if you've been very active." "Active?" "He's spent the last ten years sitting in a patrol car, eating pies." "Well, involved, then." "He needs sympathy, not sarcasm." "Unbelievable." "Did you have a nice evening?" "It was just me and Caz." "Cazza." "Yeah, I gathered." "So Celia's driving her up the wall, is she?" "They're as bad as each other." "I, erm..." "Ah!" "Well, I've got summat to tell you." "Proceed." "It's delicate." "Well, sensitive." "And then there's things I want you to understand before you go flying off the handle." "So..." "What've you...?" "What's...?" "What?" "Me and Celia, we've altered our wills." "I mean, obviously it's something we should've done a while back, after we got wed, but we didn't." "Which was my fault, I didn't want to think about it and so we've only just got round to it, what with flitting'." "OK." "So, obviously... before." "Before I knew I was ever going to get wed again," "I'd left it all to you and it will still come to you." "Eventually." "One way or the other." "But I want you to know what's changed and then, we're clear." "OK." "What we've decided, way we've arranged it, is... whichever one of us goes first, me or Celia... other one'll get everything." "For the duration of their lifetime and then..." "The point is, when the last one goes, whatever's left will be divided, equally, between you and Caroline." "OK." "So it... will come to you." "But I just want Celia to be comfortable, that's all." "If owt happens to me." "And she wants same for me." "So, that's it." "What about our Gary?" "Oh, I'm not leaving him anything." "He'd not expect it, would he?" "Why did you think I'd fly off the handle?" "Hang on a minute." "Divided equally?" "Yeah." "But that's..." "You can't both have brought exactly the same amount to the party as each other." "Yeah." "Well, no, we didn't." "Not exactly, but not far off." "So..." "I'm not starting splitting hairs and I'm not starting making a record of everything we spend." "You'll do very well out of it at finish, so think on." "OK." "And, erm... the other thing... just so you know... is we want to be buried together." "We'd be cremated." "But then, our ashes, we'd like to be in the same grave." "You can do that, we've looked into it." "And Celia's got a plot." "Above Elland." "It's been in her family for years." "So, not have your ashes scattered with me mum?" "Up Blackley?" "Yeah." "Not." "Can you drive me into Halifax if you're not doing anything?" "He's gone off to Gillian's in the Lexus, and it's an emergency." "Why, what's happened?" "Maureen Raynor's fractured her hip." " Who?" " Oh... she was three years below Alan and me at Elland Grammar." " You don't know her." " Do you?" "No, not really." "But the point is, she was giving her Madame Arcati with the Halifax Players, and obviously she can't do it on crutches." "Well, not with the same chutzpah, so they've asked me to step in." "Hang on." "Have you ever done any acting?" "I played the Angel Gabriel in the infants." "Do you know?" "It was three years before I realised he was supposed to be a fella." "Yeah." "There was an article in the Mail." "Or The Guardian... one or the other about keeping your brain active." "You know, when you're getting on." "Alan does his crosswords, so I thought I would audition for a play." "This was last summer when we were stopping up at Gillian's." "You know, learning lines keeps your neurons..." " neurinating." " Really?" "Anyway, I didn't get the part." "Not that one..." "Lady Bracknell." "I should've done, dozy buggers." "Anyway, it looks like they've remembered me, because now they're in hot water, I've had the call." "William's dug me out his copy." "So why do we need to go to Halifax right now?" "Because they've got a rehearsal in half in an hour at... the Pentecostal Church Hall, Skircoat Moor Road, Halifax." "They need me there." "The first night's just after Christmas, I've only got a week to learn everything." " You're kidding!" " No." "I'll get my car keys." "Are you going to put a bit of make-up on?" "I'm only dropping you off." "You could put a brush through your hair as well." "I thought we were in a rush to get there?" "Yes, but just in case." " Of?" " You know... you meet someone." "What, when I'm dropping you off?" "Well, you never know." "A nice fella." "I do know, Mum." "They're thespians, they like am-dram." "The chances of me meeting anyone I have anything in common" " with is remote." " They're not stupid, you know." "No, but they do like dressing up and pretending to be other people." "So, chances are, it probably won't happen." "I think you spend too much time with Gillian." "How?" "Because you're starting to talk like her." "It's bollocks." "Robbie." "Robbie!" "Robbie?" "Jesus!" "Shit!" "Shit!" "Robbie!" "Oh, my God!" "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" " Robbie?" " That is a lot of blood." "OK, OK." "Get in the Landy." "Let's get in the Landy." "OK?" "Up, get up." "Come on!" "Dial 999, now!" "Phone." "Phone." "Erm, phone." "I've got it, I've got it, I've got it!" "Bloody hell, Gillian!" "I know, I know, I know!" "Come on!" "So the thing is, the thing I was coming in to tell you is that..." "Well, no, the first thing I was coming in to say is that I'm sorry about last night." "About going off in a strop and meeting Caroline on my own." "I am..." "I am sorry." "It's just, you know, I'm struggling with this retirement thing as much as you are." "But, then, the thing is, this morning, just now, me dad comes in and he goes, "I don't want you biting my head"" ""off, I don't want you getting all arsey like you normally do, but,"" ""when I die, we've discussed it, and I'm leaving all my money to Celia."" "Oh!" "I know!" "They've changed their wills and everything." "There they are!" "It'll all be her idea, she'll have talked him into it, the way she has him twisted round her little finger." "I don't mind, I wouldn't care, but with his heart, chances are, you know, and she knows this, it'll be him that goes first." "And does she need all that money?" "Any more than he'd need all hers if she went first?" "Which I bet she doesn't, you watch." "She'll have it all planned." "And what bothers me is, if he does go first, which, you know, how do I know she WILL leave me half of everything when she goes?" "How do I know she won't just leave it all to Caroline?" "How do I know she won't just spend it?" "It could be years and then she could lose all her marbles and I've got no guarantees, have I?" "Presumably it's stipulated in the will, if that's the arrangement." "And anyway, Caroline wouldn't do that to you, would she?" "I don't feel so good." "You are, you're a snob." "You're an intellectual snob." "You think you're better than other people." " Break a leg." " Well, you're not." "Will you need picking up?" "This is typical you, this is." "Anything I do, anything I'm interested in, you pour cold water on it and take the... piss." "You're as bad as your dad." "Oh, hello!" "That old chestnut." "Well, I'll say one thing for your father." "At least he wasn't a... (lesbian.)" "Don't let the door hit your arse when you step out." "You've got that off Gillian." "You really don't have to lower your voice in front of Flora... ever... to say the word lesbian." "All right?" "Have you got your mobile?" "Oh, I'm not going in." " Why?" " Because you're spoiling it!" "No, I am not." "Don't you lay this on me!" "If you wanted to go in, you'd go in." "What if I'm not very good?" "You'll be brilliant." "Better than any of that lot." "Do you think?" "Yes." "You're clever." "If I thought you were going to make a fool of yourself, I wouldn't have brought you." "I'd have tied you to a chair at home and made you listen to The Archers." "Now, go and see what they're like." "If you're not happy, you don't have to stay." "Would you want me to come in with you?" "No." "Not looking like that." "Enjoy." "Hi, Gillian." "How is he?" "They've had to give him a blood transfusion, they've taken him into an operating theatre." " So what's...?" " I don't know." "I don't know anything!" "They just whisked him off and told me to wait here." "Are you all right?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "So what happened?" "It wasn't my fault." "I mean, it was, I shocked him, I made him jump." "But I didn't..." "It wasn't..." "I mean, I know I was complaining about him last night," "Robbie, but it wasn't like that (business with Eddie.)" "OK." "Did you...?" "You didn't think that, did you?" "No." "No." "It was just..." "What?" "I don't know." "When it happened, I panicked." "I coped, I called an ambulance and we seemed to be on top of everything, even though he was bleeding a lot, and it was just as we were arriving, in the ambulance, I was in the ambulance with him, and... this paramedic, he was joking, he was trying to keep it light." "I think it was his way of trying to say, "It's not as bad as it looks."" "He goes, "Oh, another millimetre"" ""and it would've been the carotid artery"" ""and then you'd have been in trouble!"" "And that..." "It shook me, because..." "I can understand why that shook you, Gillian." "No." "No." "No." "It's not what you think." "What?" "It's stupid." "It'll sound stupid." "It won't." "About a month ago, two months ago, in the barn, again... he got smacked on the head by a log." "He was chopping wood and stacking it in the hayloft, out of the way." "I didn't think a lot about it, then." "I... just thought he hadn't stacked it properly and it was loose, but.. he would've done, he would've stacked it properly, and he had a real bump on his head." "Like... somebody whacked him." "And then there was something else as well." "He... trapped his finger." "This is last summer." "He was hitching up the trailer and it slipped, and it was bad." "Not this bad, but he could've lost his finger." "We were in here, in AE." "And now this!" "Some people are accident prone." "My granny was, my mum's mum." "No, that's not...!" " She was terrible." " It's not..." "What?" "And it isn't just me." "Me dad's said it." "Before now." "There's something..." "A funny feeling in that barn." "OK." "So... what are you saying?" "I'm saying, it's a notion I've had for a while." "But now it's like three things and it's really f-f... obvious." "He's still in there." "Eddie." "And I know that sounds mad." "Caroline, I know there's no such thing, but what if there is?" "I think you're upset." "Is there a machine?" "Do you want some tea?" "It's not mad." "I talk to Kate all the time." "I imagine she's there and part of me thinks... who's to say she isn't?" "First time it happened..." "I didn't consciously conjure her up, I just found myself talking to her." "It was in the bedroom." "On the morning of her funeral." "I think when someone's died..." "like that." "Death's always a shock, but when it's sudden and it's someone who just shouldn't have gone yet, it's..." "You think this is all in my head?" "No, that's the point." "I do... as my mother would say... think there is more between heaven and earth than any of us ever really know about." "But..." "But - when you talk to Kate... that's good, surely?" "It's nice." "Mm." "This is evil." "And it's not just me, that's what's weird." "If it was just me, fine, I'm happy to be considered mental." "But me dad won't go in that barn after dark." "Dog won't go in there at all." "I think Eddie knows we've got married, me and Robbie, and he doesn't like it." "And this time..." "This time, what that paramedic said..." "Robbie could've been dead." "And then there was Dave, he's playing Charles." "He's 57 and he has a bad back." "Charles is meant to be an athletic 40." "He said to me, "Do you think I'd get away with it, Celia?"" "And I'm going, "Of course you will,"" "lying through my teeth like a silly bugger." "I said to Gerald, "You do know Charles is supposed to be an"" ""athletic 40, don't you?"" "He says, "It's am-dram, darling, you can't always get the men."" "Which one's Gerald again?" "The Director." "Oh, and he's playing Dr Bradman as well." "He's very versatile." "Janice, she's the one playing Elvira, the ghost, she said," ""You've saved our bacon, Celia."" "They were on the verge of cancelling the whole thing." " Did I tell you that?" " Mm." "Only, they're already sold out on the Friday night and on the Saturday night." "So..." "So..." "Are we going to the hospital this evening, then, or what?" "I don't think there's any point in us all piling in, he'll still be groggy from his anaesthetic." "Yeah, but you don't want him thinking nobody cares." "You did have a massive bust-up with him last night." "No, really?" "I'd forgotten(!" ")" "Listen, I'd better get back." "Thanks for coming." "It's fine." "Ring me." " If you..." " Yeah." "We'll leave you to it as well, love." "There's lots that still wants sorting out at the new place." "Yes, the damp and the vermin." "And I've got all these lines to learn!" "You're going to have to help me, Alan." "You will give our love to Robbie, won't you, love?" "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "We'll see you up there, love!" "Sure." "I, erm..." "I told our Gillian this morning about changing us wills." "How did that go down?" "Fine." "Fine." "I told her about... being buried in the same grave as well." "And?" "She just went very quiet." "I'm surprised she didn't say owt just now, to be honest." "I think there'll be repercussions when she's dwelt on it." "I'm not scared of you, so you can shit off." "Pillock." "I'm sorry." "I am sorry." "Then going on at me in t'Land Rover while I were bleeding to death." "I was panicking." "I'm sorry." "Oh, don't say that." "I was trying to distract you." "And last night?" "Yeah, I'm sorry about last night." "What were all that about?" "Just stuff getting on top of me." "Well, don't let it." "Yeah, well, that's easy for you to say because you're a man." "And men never let stuff get on top of 'em, so it doesn't affect them." "You mean, men don't get things out of proportion, so it doesn't affect them." "Phrase it as you will." "Does it hurt?" "I'm on painkillers." "You're going to be laid up all Christmas, aren't you?" "I'll be as fit as a fiddle in a few days." "You're going to be lolling in front of the telly, demanding cups of tea." "Oh, God." " What now?" " Christmas Day." "Ten people plus two babies round for dinner and you're not going to be fit to do even basic fetching and carrying." "Raff and Ellie will help you." "On what planet?" "Caroline will help you." "Selectively, when she feels like it." "Your dad and Celia will help you." "Everybody'll muck in!" "What's up?" "Why you so niggly about everything?" " Because..." " What?" "Everything." "What though?" "We should be celebrating." "I've retired, we're expanding the farm." "Life's good." "Life's never been better." "Well, today's been a bit weird, but..." "Yeah." "Well, then." "We'll have a nice Christmas." "It wasn't just about him changing his will." "What I was annoyed about with me dad, this morning." "He wants to be buried with her, Celia." "They both want to be cremated and then their remains buried together." "So that's as in, not scattered up Blackley with me mum." "Oh." "Yeah, but... does it really matter?" "Once you're dead, you're dead, aren't you?" "Who knows?" "You can't learn all those lines in ten days." " Who can't?" " I couldn't." "Course you could." "I hope you're all going to come and see it." "Hey, bring Angus." "How can I bring Angus?" "Angus is 60 miles away!" "Everybody who matters is 60 miles away." "He can get on a train." "You think he wants to get on a train to come and watch a load of old people twatting about on stage?" "Oi, oi!" "None of us asked to be here." "You've inflicted it on us because you're selfish." "That..." "Whatever I've done, that is no reason to be rude to your granny." "I can't believe I'm never going to go back inside our house in" "Harrogate ever again." "You're homesick." "That's all, it's normal." "It'll pass." "We grew up there." "Our whole life was there." "And now it's a new big adventure." "You want to embrace it." "I never said a proper goodbye." "To who?" "My bedroom." "Oh, my God, is he crying?" "He's crying!" " No, I'm not!" " No, that is priceless." " Tell him to shut up." " One for Facebook, I think." " Shit-for-brains." " Beano boy." " Hey!" " Are you six?" "!" "Are you?" "Have you not set up your Zbox?" "Xbox." " Eh?" " Xbox." "That's what I said." "You want to set up your Xbox, then you'll feel right at home, both of you." "Cavalry's here!" "This is Olga, my new girlfriend." " Where is everybody?" " They're, erm..." "Surprise." "Don't." "Sorry, the boys are here and my mum and Alan." "I wasn't..." "I didn't..." "Didn't know you were coming." "Yeah." "It's a surprise." " I didn't order this." " It's a house-warming present." "Right, OK." "Er... thank you." "Yeah." "I nicked it from the basement." "You didn't!" "I can't accept stolen..." "God, you are so easy to wind up!" "Right." "OK." "Well, it's been nice seeing you." "I'm busting for a wazz." "Is it all right if I use your lavatory?" "Your lavoratoire." "Your..." "Lavoratoire Garnier." "Yeah, I thought I'd die a widower, but you see, Alan, you're not the only one for whom hope springs eternal." "Ta." "Here she is!" "Come here, love, say hello to everyone." "You all right?" "You can be my best man if you want, Alan." "We've only just met." "Outside." "But it was love at first sight and you can't fight fate." "Not that we could see each other right well through t'drizzle, but one flash of lightning and, yeah, I'm a very happy man." "I like him, he's mental." "Olga!" "Oh, God, babies." "Hello!" "That's Olga, you nitwit, she delivers wine from the wholesaler's in Harrogate." "Have we set a date?" "I'm not doing a right lot tomorrow." "You've come a long way, love." "Olga." "Isn't that Russian?" "Yeah, my mum were really into Olga Korbut, when she were, like, ten." "When the 1972 Olympics were on." "Oh, very good." "Eh, how you doing?" "You all right?" "Would you like some wine?" "Rude not to." "So, are you William?" "The bathroom's upstairs." "Sure." "Don't forget you're driving." "Oh, yeah, traffic was bad." "And the weather is shit... crap... bad." "Sorry." "Probably best leave it till tomorrow." "Now that I'm here." "We've got damp." "And vermin." "It's the country, I did tell you." "I told her, I said, I warned her." "I'm sure they have folk who deliver wine round here, without you making Olga trail all this way." "Why don't you tell Harry about this play that you're doing?" "I wouldn't have thought it was up Harry's street." "Celia's playing Madame Arcati in Blithe Spirit, with the Halifax Players." "Oh!" "She's the one who sees dead people." "Well, no, she communicates with t'other side." "Well, that's topical." "Is it?" "How?" "Well, it's why I'm here." "I was thrilled when Alan told me you'd bought this place," "Caroline, because you do know that this house, your house, is haunted by none other than Matthew Normanton?" "Right-hand man to King David himself." " Haunted?" " King David?" "Which one's he?" "Who's Matthew Normanton?" "King David Hartley." "The Cragg Vale Coiners!" "Who?" " It's fascinating, you'll be fascinated." "They were all hanged." "At York." "For counterfeiting coins." "This is the 1780s." "They devalued the currency of the entire country," " they were so successful." " How?" "They clipped the edges off the coins, melted down the clippings down, made more coins." "Does that work?" "You fu..." "Not now, it wouldn't." "But it did then." "Well, till they got caught." "They were like the Mafia." "Nasty, very nasty, but very successful." "And this was their stomping ground." "Yeah, we used to have rogues and murderers devalue the currency, now Brexit lot does it for us." "So... how do you know this place is haunted?" "This is where he was caught, Matthew Normanton." "They hunted him down like a dog." "This is after he went on t'run after him and Robert Thomas murdered" "William Dighton on Bull Close Lane, Halifax." "Is he making all this up?" "No!" "Is he buggery!" "But I didn't know that this was the house, though, where Matthew Normanton were caught." "Yeah." "Apparently." "So, who's William Dighton?" "The fella the Mint sent to investigate." "He had King David arrested and then King David's brother Isaac, he got these two to murder William Dighton." "It were all very high-octane stuff." "B-B-B-But how-how do you know this place is haunted?" "It's only a story." "Well, no, it's not, it's well documented." "Yes, but the ghost bit is only a story." "Well, he's been seen more than once." " Where?" " Here." "Yeah, but where?" "Oh!" "Don't start putting lurid ideas into gullible p... into people's heads!" "Fair enough." "I want to know." "So do I." "No, no, your mother's right." "I don't want to upset folk." "Tell us!" "Well, apparently, they wouldn't let him in, you see." "So apparently, gone midnight, his face appears pressed against one of these downstairs windows." "All contorted, greenish hue, screaming to be let in." "I know somebody who's reckoned they've seen it." "You remember Joe Sunderland?" "One of his cousins, they used to farm up here." "This is years ago." "Which window?" "I've no idea." "But the story is, he only appears... before a death." "I wonder how Robbie is." "Why didn't you do any research before you bought the stupid place?" "Speaking as a doctor, of science, this is all nonsense." "It's highly entertaining and no doubt very well researched, but nonetheless..." "It's only a surge in power!" "It's all right!" "It happens all the time over at our Gillian's." " Your trip switch is gone, that's all!" " Ooh-ooh!" " Ridiculous house!" "You can shut up!" "Where's your box with all your switches in?" "I-I know this." "It's actually somewhere really obvious." " So that's helpful(!" ")" " Oh, my God!" "Whose is that green face at the window, horribly contorted in a silent scream?" "You'll be laughing on t'other side of your face one of these days, lad." "(Olga." "Olga.)" "(Olga.)" "Ohh..." "Olga, come on, you've got to go, you've got to go back to Harrogate." "You've got deliveries to make, it's Christmas in a few days, people will need their, erm... alcohol." "Shit." "I did tell you not to open another bottle." "It wasn't just me." "There was loads of us." "Can I make you some breakfast before you set off?" "No." "No, you've got stuff to do." "I've got to get off." "My brother will have one of his tantrums if I'm late in." "Can I take this with me?" " Sure." " I'll bring the mug back." "Don't worry about the mug." "I'll post the mug." "No, keep the mug, we've got too many mugs." "Well, I'm sorry if I inflicted myself on you." "I just..." "I wanted to bring you a present." "Thanks for that." "It was very kind." "Thanks." "Call me, if you change your mind about shit." "I mean, I realise that you probably won't, but should the urge strike, don't fight it." "Right." "William's nice." "Thank you." "You know, you're a really easy person to like, to begin with, but then it becomes like... quite hard work." "Yeah." "I know." "You're not the... and you won't be the last, either." "Probably." "You have a good Christmas." "Thanks again for the wine." "Yeah." "Oh, and good luck with the school." "Did you sleep?" "Not really." "Is the heating on?" "Yeah, believe it or not." "I need to get the boiler serviced." "I knew that, it was on the survey." "Should've done it before we moved in." "Yes, love." "I've had a lot on." "Yeah, I know." "I get that." "Which is why it seems like a weird decision to sell up and take on this mad job in a horrib..." "Difficult school." "And who the hell is Olg...?" "I-I-Is she still here?" "No, she's just gone." "Just now." "I thought you thought she was interesting." "I was being polite." "She was an ill-advised foray into..." "God knows." "And she is interesting, actually." "There is slightly more to her than meets the eye." "She owns that wine company, her and her brother." "They inherited it off their parents." "She just... doesn't seem to take life very seriously." "And that... might have seemed attractive." "Briefly." "You know, I was amazed." "When you told me you were leaving Sulgrave Heath." "I thought you loved that school." "I did." "And I thought you weren't supposed to make any big decisions... for, like, a year after a bereavement." "It's been more than a year." "Not much more." "And you still feel bereaved." "You told me so last time I phoned you." "Well, why didn't you say something then?" "I suppose I always assume you know what you're doing." "Come on." "How long have you got?" "Oh, a couple of hours." "They're rehearsing while three, so..." "I thought I might pop into Halifax, do a bit of Christmas shopping." "What can I get you?" "That's you." "Eh?" "Oh!" "It's Celia." "Hello?" "You'll never believe." "Gerald's had a stroke." " Who?" " Yeah, last night." "Janice has stepped in to direct, but we've no-one to play Dr Bradman." "Oh, well, I don't know anyone who..." "So I said you'd do it." " Me?" " 'Oh, you'd be perfect.'" " I can't act!" " What's happened?" "Surely they've got other folk?" "Apparently not." "And it's such fun, Alan, and everyone's so pleasant," "'I'm sure you'd enjoy it.'" "I can't start learning lines at my age." "'Don't be so soft." "Of course you can!" "'" "Anyway, he hasn't got that many lines." "You can make half of it up, that's what I do." "'As long as you get the gist across.'" "I don't..." "I don't think it's my sort of thing." "Go on wi' you!" "Shut up." "It's only acting, poncing about on stage." "What's happened?" "Well, if we don't get anybody, then the whole thing is going to fall through 'and it'll be a disappointment.'" "And they've sold all these tickets." "'Well, will you think about it?" "'" "What have you got to lose?" "I mean, apart from your dignity and your self-respect." "Right, bugger it, I'll do it." "Really?" "!" "Alan says he'll do it!" "Oh, wonderful." "And he has acted before?" "Erm, yes..." "Yes." "You've acted before, haven't you, Alan?" " Well, no." " Yes, yes, he's acted before." "Anyway, you need to get over here now." "Now?" " There'll be a copy of the play here for you." "Right, well, I'll... be there as soon as I can." "Super!" "Bye!" "Why?" "The things we do for love, eh?" "You pillock!" "He's in there." "I've known he was in there for years, only I've convinced myself I was being stupid." " In the barn." " Yes!" " What fella in the barn?" " She just makes up stories with him." "You don't fancy doing this play instead of me, do you?" "He's been working... a bit too hard lately." "I can't act, any more than you can." "You need to have more of a manner, Alan." "You know, these are sophisticated people, they live in Kent for goodness' sake." "He's bringing a ouija board!" "We're going to speak to Matthew Normanton." "Is there anybody there?" " Oh, shit!" " Did you feel that?" " People better not be messing about." "That was when I met Olga." " Hi." " So I invited her in." "You could make a real difference!" "And one thing led to another." "I've got this thing that I need to tell you." " What happens in these stories?" " Nothing." "Someone is with us." " Have you done this before, Granny?" " Maybe this was meant to happen." "Stop being weird, Mum." "Are you a spirit of the departed, passed over from the other side?" " We should never have got married." " That's just..." " He doesn't like it." "Spirit, spell out your name for us." "I'm not sure I want to do this any more." "We're on, everyone!" "Get off me hat!" "Sorry, we have to go in now." "Synchronized by srjanapala"