"Previously on Wonderfalls." " What did you say?" " Girl needs a boy." " I'm a lesbian." " What?" "Did you have that goiter before?" "Were there peanuts in the salad?" "I'm his ex-wife." "My name is on the emergency contact card in his wallet." "Are you his girlfriend?" "I don't have a girlfriend." "Up until quite recently I was... married and leaving with a man." " I'm not a man." " Is this gonna be an issue?" "Girl needs a..." "Girl might actually find time to have a boy if you will ever shut up." "I just feel like there's something here, a spark or chemistry or something." "We should absolutely have a date." "Lauren, our wild-caught female is an unwieldy... some might say "destructive" bird." "A lovely, lovely creature, she will chew through just about anything given half a snowball's chance." "Sometimes even a prospective mate." "Her new friend was domestically bred and hand-raised in an aviary by humans." "Hi, Humphrey." "Humphrey's not so rough and tumble." "Humphrey previously paired with another Macaw but he rejected that bird, so he's very eager to, um, mate." "Lauren appears to be, ah, responding to his advances, ever so cautiously allowing him to feed her nuts and berries but her mercurial mood swings tend to complicate the courtship." "...which naturally contributes to the decline of this rare, endangered, and... really, really, just neat animal." "You can tell by their smiles that these little comedians are a constant source of light, always doing funny things." " You taste good." " I do?" "I read this thing about saliva and saliva compatibility." "If someone tastes good, you have compatible saliva." "If someone tastes bad you, um, you probably shouldn't be kissing them." "I love that you brought me to the zoo for our first official date." "All the animals are safely penned and none of them talk." "There's been no bill-contact and Lauren and Humphrey have yet to groom each other in the cloacal area removing the dense down that can inhibit successful fertilization." "This could mean that they've lost interest in mating." "What was that about not mating?" "Take a picture, it'll last longer." " I can't." " Why?" "What are you afraid of?" "Afraid?" "I'm not afraid..." "Take a picture, Take a picture, TAKE A PICTURE!" " though maybe you should be." " Why would I be afraid of you?" "Take a picture." "It'll last longer." "It'll last longer." "Take a picture!" "Alright, alright." "Gawd." "Happy?" "We're bobbing along in our barrel some of us tip right over the edge but there's one thing really mystifying, it's got me laughing, and it's got me crying all my life it would be death-defying" "until I know" "I wonder, wonder why the wonder falls" "I wonder why the wonder falls on me" "I wonder, wonder why the wonder falls with everything I touch and hear and see." "It left some seeds in my hair, and a feather, but you were very gallant." " Prescription!" " I have to go." "The folks are going out of town this weekend and asked me to drop it by." "Mom said to be sure to take it with food." "It's a topical ointment." "She thinks you're too thin." "How'd you do that to yourself, anyway?" "I was on a date." "Did you report the bastard?" "You can't let a guy get away with that." "Think of the next woman." "I am the next woman." "He didn't do this to me." "In fact, he was great." "Wow, you really are a man-hater." " You should talk." " Meaning what?" " You are a man-eater." " You lie." "Do you have any idea how many of your discarded boyfriends" "I ended up consoling when I lived at home?" "Uri, that exchange student from Prague still writes to me." "So whoever this new guy is, please do not give him my phone number when the inevitable happens." "What if I gave his wife your number instead?" "He's married?" "Only technically." "But I'm sure you could take care of that." "You could recruit her into your lesbian lifestyle like you did Beth." " I didn't..." " Oh, look." "Isn't that your girlfriend's husband now?" "Boy, this is gonna be awkward, huh?" "Here, let me help you out ma'am." "Thomas." "Hi." "The throat looks... really good." "Oh, yeah." "The goiter." "Thanks." "You can hardly tell it was there." " No flare ups?" " No." " Not since our... date." " Good." "So you've been avoiding the penis." "Peanuts." "Because you're allergic." "And there could be swelling." "In the throat." "It was, peanuts right?" "Peanuts?" "Yeah." "That was kind of a bad night." "So it worked out pretty well for you though." "So how is Beth?" "Are you guys still... girlfriend and... girlfriend?" " Yeah." "She's great." " Good." "Because I want her to be happy." "She is." "We're both happy." "Ok, I've got a something to deliver, so..." "So... how's the nurse?" "Oh." "Sorry." "Have a good day." "Do you know what happens when a fairy's wings lose their dust?" "The fairy dies, that's what." "Rest rooms are for customers only." "No." "I don't have to use the bath room." "I do, actually, but that's not why I'm here." "I'm Rufus." "Remember?" "I work at the zoo." "With Penelope?" " The bird lady?" " The elephant lady, now." "Because of you, they've got her mucking out the elephant pen." "She's banned from the aviary." "They say she can't control the birds." "I'm sorry." "Ok, she was the fairy from like I was saying." "And the birds, well, the birds, they're the dust in her wings." "Look..." "Zoo Guy." "Sometimes these things happen for a reason." "Being moved to the elephant pen could just be the best thing that ever happened to her." "It's not." "It's the worst thing." "Those birds were her life." "And she's theirs." "Without her, they'll die." "I'm sure the birds'll be fine." "No." "No they won't be." "Those birds are endangered and she was trying to get them to breed." "Without her, their love will die." "Save the lovebirds." "You have to do something." "Hi." "I don't know if you remember me, but..." "Ew." "Did that monkey just throw its food at you?" "In a way." "Good arm." "Why don't you take a picture of this, too?" "Yeah." "I'm sorry." "I heard you got banned from your birds, so I was..." ""Please no flash photography in the aviary."" "I said it three times." "I'm sorry." "Those birds are traumatized." "And now they have nobody to talk to." " Those birds talk?" " They talk to me." "You wouldn't understand." "I wish I didn't." "Those birds are in the infancy of their relationship, the bond is very delicate." "And now they're migrating toward extinction like it's northwestern Paraguay, thanks to you!" "Hey." "I'm the one who has to put on topical ointment." "The female reacted defensively, she saw a flash of white." "I'm sure she thought you were a Snowy Owl." "and she's not gonna be presenting herself for mating if she thinks she's being attacked by a Snowy Owl!" "Those poor birds." "You killed their love." "You really are a Snowy Owl." "I thought we agreed for the time being that you wouldn't be interacting with..." " Aren't you the young lady who..." " Yes it is." "She's the awful woman who was tormenting the macaws!" "Would you excuse us for a minute?" "This zoo is about people, Penelope." "And that seems to be the one species you cannot get along with." "I told you not to put me with the customers." "Just let me go back to my birds." "They need me." "They're not "your" birds." "They belong to the zoo." "And you don't work for the zoo anymore." "You're fired." "Snowy owl love killer." "Who are you?" "Why would you sneak peanut butter into my groceries?" "There was no sneaking." "I noticed you were out." "Yes, you said that at the grocery store when you pointed to the shelf and said," ""look, peanut butter." I told you I don't eat peanut butter." "We were together the entire time, I don't even know how you here's another one." "You snuck in two jars of peanut butter?" " Chunky and smooth." " What are you doing?" "So you'd have a choice." "You like choices, right?" "Not if I'm choosing between two things I don't like." "When was the last time you had peanut butter?" "I don't know, heu?" " Before I married Thomas, I guess." " Right!" "But you are not married now..." "so choose..." "What do you want me to say?" "Chunky?" "Of course you would say chunky." "Oh, if it's chunky you want, there's no point in having a jar of smooth in the cupboard in there." "Cause well all know that smooth can't compete with chunky, can it?" "God help us if our cycles sync up." "Do not blame this on my period." "Is this what it's like to date a woman?" "Oh, gee, look at that." "Look at the time, it's time for you to start dating peanutallergic men again." " I guess it is." " Well, here there you go." "There you go." "Thank you for allowing me to be a rest stop on your road to heterosexual bliss." "You're welcome." "Love killer, can you believe that?" "You're not a Snowy Owl." "And I'm not a love killer." "What?" "Well, actually, the bird lady's kinda right about that." "Well, half right." "You don't just kill love." "You stalk it, you toy with it, then you kill it." "You are the huntress, and love is your prey." "I mean..." "look at him." " I am." " Like a wounded gazelle." "Run, little gazelle!" "Run!" "There's danger at the watering hole!" "That's crazy." "He's not a gazelle." "He's more like a fuzzy bunny." "I don't kill fuzzy bunnies." "Fuzzy love bunnies." "You're in the toying stage." "I can almost hear that clicking noise my cat makes." "It's not serious enough for there to be toying." "We only just found out our saliva's compatible." "There's no love to kill yet." "What did you just say?" " Ssaallliva...?" " "Yet."" "You said "yet."" "Three little letters and the most romantic thing I've ever heard fly outta your mouth." "And also the most terrifying." "It's the sound of a fuse being lit." "It is not." "Better not be." "After everything that boy's been through," "I don't think his heart can take that thing you do." "I don't do... a thing..." "Oh my god..." "What?" "Nothing." "He's safe with me." " So safe." "I'm reformed." " You'd better be." "I am." "Honest." "I'm not a love killer." "Save the lovebirds." "I'm a love... saver." "Evidently." "And I'll prove it." "This is so romantic coming back to the zoo." " Picking up our date where we left off." " Yeah." "But you, uh, don't maybe want to come back when it's open?" "I'm pretty sure sneaking in is against the law..." "We answer to a higher law." " We do?" " Love." "Love is our higher law." "And we're here to save it." "Not that it was ever in any danger." "From me." "This way." "So... this isn't really a private showing, is it?" "Uh, no." "Not so much a private show as a federal offense." "We're here to steal an endangered species and then force them to have sex." "Not stealing." "Liberating." "Hello, Humphrey." "Hello, Lauren." "I missed you." "Yes, it is the Snowy Owl girl." "I know she did it." "This all must seem a little odd." "But as a person who champions love at every turn," " I'm here to say that..." " I don't think it's odd." "You don't?" "It's the most romantic thing I've ever heard of." "Really?" "My love-saving nature doesn't bother you?" "Define "bother."" "Just so you know, this isn't an isolated incident." "Things like bird attacks and abduction happen to me all the time." "And if it's not birds, it's a lion or a monkey and then there's that fish..." "So what I'm saying is that there are constant interrupti..." " I don't scare you?" " Only in a good way." "It's the Feds." " Who is that?" "!" "What are you doing?" "!" " Um... what are we telling people?" "Put your arms down, it's the guy who picks up garbage." "It's you, what are you doing here?" "Uh, they're with... me." " I thought you was fired." " I was." "Are you human resources?" "No, I used to clean your paddock." "My name is Rufus..." "No time." "We need your help." "These birds need me." "They need me to mate." "Their bond is very delicate." "Of course it is." "They're in the infancy of their relationship." "Is that the Feds?" "No, that's security." "Ok, I've an idea, follow me." "Use the Tikki Path, it's the quickest way to the parking lot." "Ok?" " I'll just make a distraction..." " Thanks." "Thanks." "Ok, it's good... good." "Where we gonna go?" "Where we gonna go?" " I have three cats." " I sleep in dry storage." "My trailer's messy." "Oh." "I know." "Let us in." "Mom and Dad are gone for the weekend, right?" " Yeah." " Good." "We need a place to mate." "Good... good." "This looks well." "What the hell is going on?" "Nothing." "Go back to bed or find some pants." "Who's mating?" "The birds." "Did the cow creamer tell you to do this?" "No." "The stuffed donkey did." "If we turn the dryer on, let it vent into the room, maybe that will help simulate their native environment." " Or kill everyone in the building." " Help me make room." "So... what do you think will happen to Rufus?" "I don't know any birds called "Rufus."" "He's not a bird." "He's the guy who helped us escape?" "It's not an endangered species so we can't worry about that right now." "Do I even wanna know why," "I spent the past half hour gathering worms and tree branches for you?" "Jaye's spear-heading an effort to save an endangered species." "Isn't she something?" "My birds don't eat worms." "Oops." "My bad." "I'm not cleaning up your mess." " I'll take care of the worms." " Not that mess." "He only liked you before." "Now he's worshipping you." "Better be careful." "Somebody stop me I can't help myself!" "Why would anyone worship my sister?" "Is she a cult figure?" "You're not wearing pants." "I was about to get some." "Well you're certainly undressed for it." " They're not doing anything..." " They will." "Be patient." "We've created the perfect mating environment for them." "You don't suppose they're waiting for the five giants to stop leering at them, do you?" "She's toying with him." "Look at her." "What a tease." "Seems like she's just ignoring him." "It's a ploy." "She's making him want her more." "That way he won't see it coming when she bites his head off." "Birds don't do that." "Though in some species of praying mantis the female will eat the male headfirst during mating." "God, love can be cruel." " And beautiful." " But cruel." "I mean, I'm not saying it's her fault." "She can't help what she is." "But look at that beak, it was made for pecking'." "That's the male." "Whatever!" "Point is, the only thing endangered here is Humphrey's heart." "God, why doesn't he just run?" "Run, Humphrey!" "Run!" "She's smelling me." "Hey." "Stop it." "Don't sniff him." "I know what it is!" "I know why they're not mating!" "It's all the male pheromones!" "Humphrey won't mount Lauren if he senses the pheromones of another male." "He views it as a threat." "You're gonna have to leave." "Both of you." "Yes!" "Right!" "Good call!" "Boys, out!" "You're putting your pheromones all over everything!" "Stop it!" "Get off!" "I'm not going anywhere!" "Mom and Dad put me in charge!" "Oh waaa." "Get out!" "I'm really sorry." "We'll do it again some other time." "I don't mind waiting." "You could be waiting a long time." "These birds..." "They only mate like once every five years and we don't really know when it was they last got any." "So anyhow we'll have to finish our date later." "They're mating!" "What?" "Lauren's cloaca is fully engorged!" "They're totally doing it." "Jaye, now we can finish our date." "I thought they needed more time." "You can't be doing it now, I'm half ready to face him." "You need to cool off." "What are you still here?" "I wanna see an engorged cloaca..." "I told you, your powerful sexual chemistry is too distracting!" "I get that a lot, actually." "OH MY GOD!" "WHAT HAPPENED?" "!" "Who left the window open?" "Humphrey's never been in the wild!" "And Lauren's been in captivity for most of her adult life." "They'll die out there!" "We'll find them." "Eventually..." "What are you doing?" " Trying to save the lovebirds." " Why d'you open the window?" "What?" "I can't believe..." "I didn't... you..." "That obvious, huh?" "What's obvious is that you're using these birds to avoid Eric." "Why?" "Because!" "I am a Snowy Owl love killer!" "I'm a man-eater." "I just..." "I was hoping things would be different with Eric." "I thought maybe I could just nibble." "But a natural predator can't just nibble!" "Oh my God, Jaye, you cannot do this to him." "You promised." "I know!" "I'm trying to save him." "By avoiding him." "So I can be with him." "But I can't go near him or I'll destroy him, so if I can just manage to stay away from him maybe we can be together." "Please don't repeat that back to me." "You have got to nip this in the bud right now." "So get it over with." "Show some mercy." "Take him out into the woods and put one painlessly in the back of his head." " It's such a cute head." " Cap him." "You're right." " That's what I have to do..." " JAYE!" "Oh my God." "I just found this outside in the gutter." "It could be a clue." "I came as soon as I found out about the missing children." "Are you their mother?" "Aw, those poor babies." "We will find them." "They're birds." "Yeah." "I, uh, probably shouldn't have said babies so much as... birds." "It is a "b" word..." "I can think of another b-word." "If you see a wolf, don't bother to call me." "Wolf!" "Oh, god!" "Predators!" "Lauren and Humphrey are smart birds." "Maybe they'll come back." "They're Hyacinth Macaws, not homing pigeons!" "Hyacinth Macaws?" "There was a huge spread on them in the December National Geographic." "They're endangered." "Um, yeah!" "You'd be endangered too if your wings were clipped and you could only cover eight hundred feet of ground per hour while the estimated flight speed of a a Snowy Owl is..." "But that's good." "They're probably less than a mile away." "They're probably in the woods behind the house." " We should split up." " Yes... split up." "We should... split... up...." "So ok!" "Sharon, you go with Penelope." "And Mahandra, you come with me." "NOBODY MOVE!" "I lost a contact." "Eric, you go with Jaye." "Don't mean to look a gift mouth in the mouth... but what was that for?" " It was uh... for the birds." " The birds?" "I thought maybe your pheromones were chasing them away again, so I thought maybe if we dissipated..." " Oh." "Good theory... the birds." " The birds." "What is she doing with those birds anyway?" "Is she gonna use their babies in a ritual?" "Only thing that's gonna get sacrificed tonight is the heart of a certain unsuspecting bartender." "Right." "He did seem like a man marked for heartbreak." " You saw it, too?" " Well, I mean... he was with her." "Why does she always do that to them?" "You know that exchange student from Prague still e-mails me about her." "She's like a bug zapper." "Long as I've known her guys have been throwing themselves at her." "Maybe if she was more like some of us less magnetic types she wouldn't be so quick to throw 'em back." "I think you're magnetic." "Yeah, well, for all my "innate magnetism"" "I haven't really been attracting a lot of the brothers in the greater Niagara region lately." "I'm somebody's brother." "Yeah, right." "My best friend's brother." "Like that's gonna happen." "Why not?" "Well, for one thing if we ever even tried to kiss we'd never stop laughing." "Bet we could get through it." "Doubtful." "I challenge you." "I challenge you... to a kiss." "Shut up." "So... how are the pheromones?" "Good." "Salty good." "Feel that?" "It's your heart..." "It's beating." "Know what that means?" "You're not dead?" "Exactly." "My life's not over." "I thought it was after Heidi." "But I don't think I've ever felt as alive as I do with you right this second." "It's a good heart." "Strong." "And we should keep it right where it is..." "I like you." "I like you a lot." "In fact of all the boys... men... well, boys, actually, that I've liked..." "I may like you the most." "In fact, I'm pretty sure I do." "You're sensitive, but not at all creepy." "You're slightly damaged, and that's always a plus." "And your smile your smile...." "Yeah?" "My smile?" "Is about to fade..." "What?" "Run." "Run now and don't look back." " What are you doing?" " Letting you escape." " I don't want to escape." " You need to." "You need to." "Now." "Before you have to chew off your own leg to get free." "Are you breaking up with me?" "No!" "God." "We're not even together!" "So we can't really break up..." "And this way, we'll never have to." "I'm just keeping you safe." "Thank you." "You don't know me at all, do you?" "Do I seem like a guy who's looking for safe?" "That's your excuse?" "Well it's total crap." "You don't want to be with me, that's fine." "But don't tell me it's for my own good." "It's not me you're protecting." "Oh, god." "Their story can't end like this." "It just can't!" "It's such a beautiful story!" " It it?" " Oh, it had everything." "Humphrey so handsome and, um, charming the perfect match for our sweet, unattached Lauren." "And he was even starting to get over his former partner." "Humphrey had an ex?" "Bridget." "But she was no good for him." "They fought all the time." "So we brought in Lauren." "But then he just pined away for his old flame!" "Isn't that always the way..." "But Lauren is a scrappy bird." "Wild born." "She wasn't about to let the ex stand in her way." "So she did something about it." "She did?" "One morning we found Bridget at the bottom of her cage, pecked to death." "She had over sixty beak wounds to her body." " Birds are so interesting." " I know." "Of course, getting rid of Bridget didn't solve all of Lauren's love problems." "There was still one more female standing in Lauren's way..." " Who?" " Lauren!" "She was standing in her own way?" "She'd been on her own for so long she was having trouble allowing Humphrey to establish dominance." "Until now." "Who knows if they will survive this complication?" "Oh god." "Hi." "Hey." "Look I'm really sorry about the drop-by, but I..." "I found this in a box and it... it didn't look like mine so I figured it... it had to be yours and" "I didn't want to..." "It's a button." "Yeah, it's a..." "It's your button." "From your tweed jacket." "Did you cut that off?" "I know that it's over." "Ok, I do and I understand that and I don't expect that to change." "I mean I..." "I'm seeing other women and... you know... and so have you, and..." "Have you been crying?" "You have." "How did she made you cry?" "How could she do that?" "What can I do?" "Don't do anything." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." " I'm sorry." " Please stop saying that." "What do you want me to say?" "Don't say anything." "Eric?" "Eric?" "Don't be mad." "Where are you going?" "To be dominated." "Hey!" "Wait!" "Blonde woman!" "We haven't found the Macaws yet..." "Well!" "There you are, Penelope." "Now, where are my damned birds?" "I can't believe you!" "You squealed on us!" "You... person!" "Do you think animals would do that to each other?" "No, It wasn't..." "It wasn't me!" "The Zoo's surveillance cameras, they got the whole thing on tape." "The Zoo?" "You stole those Macaws from the Zoo?" "Liberated." "He said he wouldn't call the Feds." "All you have to do is give back the birds." "Hi." "Sharon Tyler." "I'm an attorney and I fully understand the magnitude of what's happened here." "Review the tape." "You will see that I am not on it." "Excuse me." "I have someplace to be." "I cannot be a part of this." " Where are my birds?" " They're, um... they're not here." "You leave me no choice." "No one else leaves this house." "How did they get in there?" "Window's open." "They're mating!" "I told you!" "And here I thought they didn't want to..." "How unusual that they'd choose a car..." "Why?" "That's the first place I did it." "There's a... very strong female musk scent." "It's patchouli." "What?" "Their love is so beautiful." "And acrobatic." "Well, they can't be removed from this environment now." "God." "Look at 'em go at it." "Thanks for donating your car, Ms. Tyler." "And thank you for not calling the police." "It is a loan." "That means temporary." "When can I get my car back?" "There's a 28 day incubation period." "I will be back in one month." "I want it cleaned and vacuumed upon return." "It is a custom leather interior." "Leather's dead flesh." "I want my dead flesh cleaned." "Armstrong Taxi, please." "I have to say, I never did expect these birds to mate." "I'm still amazed." " Does this mean I get my job back?" " Are you kidding?" "You're still fired." "Hey." "Cheer up." "At least they're doing it." "That's what you wanted, right?" "Yeah," "I guess." "What do you mean "I guess"?" "I've never seen anyone work so hard to get someone else laid in my entire life." "You're like the total mack daddy bird pimp." "Thank you?" "See how happy they are?" "And I know I should be, too but..." "I'm not sure I am." "Again, I go back to the working really hard to get someone else the peace thing." "The payoff is never gonna be as great for you as it is for them." "Doncha' think you've been using these birds to avoid interacting with your own species for long enough?" " You think that's what I do?" " I do." "Yes." "Yes, I do." "I mean, human interaction is scary." "And it's unpredictable and... you have to interact with other, well, humans." "And that's always messy." "You're probably scared and... that's why you're using your animals as an excuse to avoid risk." "I have to go." "Keep the change!" "Right there." " Hi." " Hi." "Listen..." "I don't want to be a rest stop on your road to heterosexual bliss." "I want to be one of those... spiked mats they use in high-speed chases." "I wanna rip the rubber off your hubs." "And I want your car to... spin out of control and into my arms and I don't ever want to let you go." " You don't?" " Because, I am here to stake my claim." "And I will peck to death any birds that gets in my way, and I know that's a bird and a car metaphor and..." "I think there's a mining reference in there somewhere, but... they are hold." "You are mine." "I'm never gonna let you go." "And I'm not afraid anymore." "Just don't say anything else." "Just dominate me." "Hello, Rufus." "I, um, wanted to thank you." "Sure." "Okay." "You went out on a limb for me." "And the birds." "Thank you." "Birds like limbs." "Will you..." "look in on them from time to time?" "Of course." "Of course I will." "I'll make sure they name one of the chicks after you." "So they won't forget." " Penelope?" " Yes, Rufus?" "I love the Macaws too." "But they're not the only animals in the zoo." "C'mon..." "He's smarter than you, you know." "Smarter than both of us." "He knew I was putting something between us." "Making excuses." "Avoiding." "I'm lucky he called me on it." "I'm lucky he's smart, sensitive, and confrontational." "'Betcha he wouldn't let some stuffed ass push his cute butt around." "Whaddaya think of that?" "'Thought so." "What'd they lose now, an alligator?" "I accept your challenge." "I'm not laughing." "No." "You're trembling." "Jaye..." "This is Heidi." "My wife."