"I'm just sayin'" "She might be awesome." "Yeah." "I'm sure Phil, the bass player's friend from rehab's sister is awesome." "But," "I'm sorry, I just don't see the allure of going out with somebody I don't know." "Well, that's the allure." "She doesn't know you." "Hey," "It's not me, ok." "I happen to be an excellent dater." "It's the women I've gone out with lately." "I'm tellin' you, one whack job after another." "I love babies." "They're just so innocent." "They have no idea they'll be dead one day." "No idea." "I have a photographic memory." "So, change something on the table and I'll know exactly what it is." "Even the slightest bit." "Ready ?" "That napkin wasn't there, and you're gone." "Which do you like ?" "My friend is trying to fix me up on sort of this blind date, but I don't know, it's definitely..." "Hmm." "And I know, blah, blah, take chance and all." "But yeesh," "Hey, wow, what are you gonna do, right ?" "I met my wife during a pogrom, when Cossack storched our village." "Yeah." "Well, it's a lot harder now." "Seriously Ivar, you have no idea how many strange guys there are out there." "So, I go, ma nuh ma nuh." "And you go, doo doo de doo doo." "And I go, ma nuh ma nuh." "What's wrong ?" "Do you wanna do the ma nuh ma nuhs ?" "'Cause I'll do the doo doo de doos." "And then I'm like, wait, you can't touch me there." "You're my uncle." "Ah... family." "She better be awesome." "I just hope he's not weird." "Hi." "Are you waiting for me ?" "Yeah... hi." "Hi." "Uh, so you ready to go ?" "Yeah." "Could you just hold my purse ?" "Uh, wait." "I thought you needed to do something." "No, I just don't like holding my purse." "Well, it's not that interesting of a story." "I studied physics at Yale, but then Harvard and MIT offered me competing fellowships in logistical mathematics." "Wow." "So what do you do ?" "I work in a used record store." "Oh." "No, it's a good thing." "How do I explain ?" "Uh, have you heard of Maxwell Soloman ?" "The author ?" "Didn't he go crazy at some book launch and start signing books in his own..." "Urine." "Yeah, that's my dad." "Wait, I've heard of your family." "Aren't they like these geniuses who do great things and then go..." "Insane." "Yeah, but you see, that's why I work in the record store." "You see, every day I don't exercise my potential is another day I'm cheating destiny." "So what is it that you do again ?" "I'm an occupational therapist at Saint Matthew's Hospital." "Working with, you know, the sick, the maimed, the dying, cancer, what not, loss of limb, burn victims." "God, doesn't that get to you ?" "Yeah, my boss is totally on my ass." "Uh, I'll take a dark beer." "Oh, just sparkling water for me." "Wait..." "I keep forgetting I'm off the medication now." "I'll have a merlot." "What are you looking at ?" "Uh..." "Guy waiting for the bathroom." "He's blocking the emergency exit." "Can't do that." " I'm sure he'll move." " Yeah, I 'm sure he will." "I'm sure he'll be the first one out of here while the rest of us are stumbling around gasping for air in the smoke-filled darkness." "My online therapist says you can't live your life in fear." "Your therapist is online ?" "Buddha 88." "He also sells shampoo." "You can get everything online." "I read about this cannibal who advertised on the internet..." "Looking for someone who wanted to be eaten." "And he actually found a guy who wanted to be cooked and eaten." "You're gonna think this is sick, but..." "I actually found that story sort of hopeful." "No." "I completely get that." "You do ?" "Yeah." "Yeah, it's like" "If that guy who's that messed up can find the person he's looking for, then there truly is a lid for every pot." "In their case, a really big pot." "Boy, that guy's really parked himself in front of that exit." "It's like he's obsessed with it." "Oh, my God." "Is that you ?" "Wow, I haven't seen you in forever." "Sorry, I thought you were someone else." "Better?" "Susan, you are a very devious and charming person." "Thank you." "That's why I don't get this thing with me and guys." "I mean, I think..." "I'm interesting." "And I'm a very creative lover." "But they just don't, ya know... call." "Ooh, grilled salmon." "I find that very hard to believe." "No, really, they have it." "And they grill it with lemon or teriyaki sauce." "Oh..." "Yeah." "Well..." "Um." "Susan," "I usually hate blind dates." "I know I probably should have said something earlier, but..." "You keep calling me Susan." "But, Phil said your name was Susan." "Who's Phil ?" "Phil !" "Phil the bass player." "Bowie's friend." "Phil who set us up." "I don't know any Phils." " You don't ?" " No." "Well, if you're not Susan, who are you then ?" "Marnie." "Marnie ?" "Marnie," "I'm Nate." "And I don't think I'm your date." "Hey." "Hey." "How'd it go last night ?" "It was perfect." "She was charming." "She was interesting." "She was cute." "But you blew it." "What did you do ?" "You ask the girl to wash her hair before you'd hold it ?" "The problem was, she was not my date." "I don't get it." "I went to her lobby." "I picked up who I thought was Susan, but was actually Marnie." "When we realized what happened, we had to go back." "I exchanged Marnie for Susan." "Susan likes pug dogs." "And anything with pug dogs on 'em." "But you liked this Marnie ?" "She was incredible." "So ?" "So nothing." "It's over." "I don't have her number." "I don't even know her last name." "But you know where she lives." "Yeah, what am I gonna do ?" "Hang outside of her building waiting for her to walk by ?" "Oh, I'm not gonna do it for you." "Look, it just sucks." "I finally meet this girl who's the perfect mix of sincerity, wit, and nice lips, and there is no way" "I'm ever going to see her again." "Oh, no that's her !" "What the hell are you doin' ?" "You finally meet a woman you like who may actually like you, and you run ?" "You do this crap, it makes me wanna stab you." "I'm going to go talk to her." "It's just that this is important, so I need to take a minute and figure out a few potential scenarios." "No." " Give me back my pen !" " No." "No, no more of your diagrams, your lists, and your crazy-ass scribblings." "I'm not gonna let you over analyze this." " Now, get out there !" " Hey !" "There is a procedure." "Let's just keep our wits about us." "Now, it's not the time to start skipping steps." "Nathan, do you know what love is ?" "Oh, God, here we go." "No, no, no, you gonna listen to me, all right ?" "Love is not something you can control." "If it was, you think I would have ran off to the Caribbean with Monique when I was still married to Chanel ?" "Marnie." "Hey." "Oh, hi." "Well... hi." "This is weird, huh ?" "What are you doin' here ?" "I work here." "Oh, this is where..." "Great." "Hey, how was your date ?" "Uh, painful." "Yours ?" "He didn't get the cannibal thing at all." "Well, at least, you know," " you and I had a good time together." " Yeah." " We really did, didn't we ?" " Yeah." "Well, it was good seeing you." "Yeah." "You too." "Bye." "Bye." "Oh !" "Damn it !" "Hey." "So, did you find your genius ?" "Yeah, at my fifth record store." "Yeah, you know, found him." "You kids are really good hiders." "I'm looking everywhere, and I can't find you." "And ?" "And, you know, it was..." "Yeah, it was definitely... odd." "Was it odd, or were you odd ?" "What do you mean ?" "Come on, you're very pretty, but you're weird." "Ha, ha, I'm weird ?" "I'm not the nanny who took a three-year-old to a cock fight." "They learned about animals, and I made 300 bucks." "Well, what are you gonna do ?" "I guess Nate didn't like me." "Well, then he's not such a genius after all." "All right, Marn, I gotta go look for the kids, start smashing up the food for dinner." "It's for mommy." "She got botoxed again." "So, she can't chew." "Bye." "Nate ?" "You would have to live on the top floor." "Fear of elevators ?" "My favorite doorman growing up, snapped cable, decapitated." "Well, wow, come in." "What are you doing here ?" "I knocked on every door in the building... including Susan's, which was, frankly, more than a little awkward." "Look," "I probably seemed like a jerk to you at the store, but see..." "I didn't have a pen." "Oh." "No, see, I like to write things out." "It helps me organize my brain so I'm able to map things out." "Then I can move forward." "So I did this venn diagram." "It's sort of a mathematical equation where I plug in the properties of one theory and I cross reference..." "Wow !" "I sound crazy." "Are you thinking I'm crazy right now ?" "Because I..." " Who was that ?" " Nobody." "Just, ya know, a dying clown." "You were saying ?" "I'm sorry." "A dying clown ?" "Yeah, he's a clown." "He's dying." "It's not that interesting of a story." "Anyway, you were saying ?" "Whoa." "Hold on." "I think I'd like to hear about the clown." "I'm subletting the apartment." "The clown was already living here in the closet when I moved in." "It's one of the conditions of the lease, he gets to live here, until, you know, he's dead." "And he lives in the closet ?" "It's a walk-in with a bed and a TV." "He's used to small spaces." "You know their cars." "Where was I ?" "You were worried I thought you were crazy." "Oh, ya know, not really an issue." "Do you wanna go out on Friday night ?" "I do." "And I happen to know a place that has the best exits." "Hey, oh, my God, you look amazing." "Hi." "Uh, hi." "Nate, this is Todd." "Todd, Nate." " Todd's joining us for dinner." " Yeah." "It's so good that you're here because we were waiting on you so that we could hear the specials." "So," "Are we each gonna like order our own thing, or do you guys wanna get like a bunch of stuff and then we could split it ?" "Well, that could be fun." "Marnie, can I talk to you for a minute ?" "Yeah, sure." "Todd, just give us a minute." " If the waiter comes, get me a merlot." " You got it." "Who's Todd ?" "Oh, I know, I'm so sorry." "He's my shoe repair guy's cousin." "And ?" "Look, I know it's not ideal, but," "I was picking up my moccasins and Todd was there and he's just going through a really tough time right now." "And he asked me what I was doing tonight." "So, you know, what was I supposed to say ?" "Oh, I don't know." "How about, I have a date ?" "I know it's not a perfect situation, but I don't think we should let it ruin our good time." "But it does." "I just... really don't want him here." "Is it because he's black ?" "No !" "Of course not." "God !" "Whoo, that's good." "'Cause I don't know you all that well, and I'd hate to think" "It's because he's on our date." "Look, he does not expect you to pay for him." "I was very clear about that." "Oh, okay, okay." "I think I can find a way to get him to leave." "But, I don't want to hurt his feelings so just follow my lead." "Okay." "Mmm, Marnie, Nate, you guys gotta try the olive spread." " Todd." " Hmm ?" "Nate would like you to go." "Uh, yeah, ya know, that's not exactly the way I would have put it." " But..." " You want me to go ?" "Look, man, it's not like I wouldn't like to hang with you at some point ...in the future." "But this is just my first real date with Marnie and ya know..." "Yeah." "Yeah, no, sure." "It's cool, it's cool." "Ya know, no worries, no worries." "I'll just leave you two alone." "Excuse me, waiter," "I'm leaving." "Man, I'm sorry." "I didn't know." "No, it's fine." " No, I didn't..." "I didn't." " No, Nate, it's..." "Nate, I got it, Nate." "Thank you." "Thank you very much." "Excuse me." "Oh, I'm sorry, excuse me." "Excuse me, yeah." "He doesn't want me to have dinner with him." "Excuse me." "Excuse me." "Yeah, I guess he didn't feel like company." "I don't know." "I don't know." "Excuse me." "Would you just lift this up, guys ?" "You can lift it up, thank you." "Thank you very much." "He thought I was in the way." "I don't know." "I don't know." "I don't know." "Oh, excuse me." "You know what ?" "Boys, if you could just..." "Bye bye now." "Enjoy your meals." "You're mad at me now." "Maybe we should just call it a night." "You didn't put your milk away, clown !" "Clown !" "I know you're in there !" "How many times do I have to say, put the damn milk away ?" "And I know you've been juggling my fruit." "I just really liked him." "Nate, man, I hit my limit." "I don't know if I can hear another one of your sorry-ass tearjerkers." "Hey, it was not my fault." "She brought another guy." "It was awkward..." "I made him wheel out of the restaurant." "Marnie was upset." "And..." "And ?" "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God." "What ?" "What is it ?" "I gotta go, man." "Wish me luck." "I don't know why I love that boy." "When you look at her she looks at me" "She's got me thinking about her constantly" "But she don't know how I feel" "Oh, this isn't my floor." "Hmm, I don't think this is it." "This may not even be my building." "The exit at the restaurant was blocked, the exit was blocked !" "Your friend in the wheelchair, he blocked the exit for 15, maybe 20 seconds, and I didn't even notice !" "All I was thinking about was you." "And what you were thinking of me." "I mean, that's huge, right ?" "I think you need to be more impressed than you look right now." "No, I am." "I'm just..." "What ?" "You're happy, sad, finish the sentence !" "Sorry... happy." "Just happy." "Yeah ?" "God, that's good to know." "'Cause I was thinking all the way up in the elevator..." "Wait." "You took the elevator ?" "I took the elevator !" "I brought you something." "You did ?" "I hope you don't already have one." "I don't." "May I ?" "I just..." "I really feel that I want you to stay alive so we get to know each other better." "Do you think this is weird ?" "No." "Not at all." "I think it's a little weird." "Of the cars that pass us by and I don't know why" "But she's changed my mind" "Would you look at her she looks at me" "She's got me thinking about her constantly" "But she don't know how I feel" "And as she carries on without a doubt" "I wonder if she's figured it out" "I'm crazy for this girl"