"I bet turkeys got really bummed." "When they invented turkey bacon." "Yeah." "Breakfast was always a sa meal for them." "Then one day, boom, the rules changed." "Pigs were probably pretty psyched." "Have we officially run out of things to talk about?" "That's not my card." "Who's "hilary bidwell"?" "Oh, thank god." "I thought I had to go through life as milo foster," "And I just got a bunch of monogrammed towels." "Well, crisis averted." "Will you stop?" "What the hell was that?" "!" "What the hell was what?" ""well, crisis averted."" "We're just worried that, post-lisa," "You might be off your game a little bit." "Well, thank you for your concern," "But I'm squarely on my game." "If that was true," "You would have gotten that woman's phone number right now." "And by tonight, you two would have been all... [ imitates bed squeaking ]" "Tyler:" "And then tomorrow morning," "You get yourself a little more... [ imitates bed squeaking ]" "Pretty soon, you're getting regular... [ imitates bed squeaking ]" "Can we just say "sex," huh?" "We're adults." "Sex." "Sex." "Penis." "Vagina." "Mouth stuff." "Butt stuff." "Hey, you!" "Go, baseball." "Milo, you're missing opportunities." "Left and right." "In fact, there are five in this diner right now." "I only see two." "I got six." "But I'm counting the woman in the red top and dark jeans." "Where?" "All right, gibbs is playing at a very high level." "But the point is," "There are plenty of women in this city." "You just got to open your eyes and seize the opportunity." "My eyare open." "I saw that baseball kid's mom." "No wedding ring," "Some pretty aggressive side boob." "Will you please just take that kid to practice?" "Men At Work" " Crazy For Milo S01E6." "Oh." "Um, I think you dropped this." "Did you run away again?" "She's going through a rebellious stage." "Uh, you know, I've heard teenage apples." "Can be a real handful." "She's just pissed because I won't let her go to prom." "Well, it's a good call, 'cause I've been to an apple prom," "And everyone got pretty sauced." "And that's all I've got on apples." "I'm Abbie." "Hello, Abbie." "I'm milo." "Nope." "Don't buy it." "That's not a real name." "Fair enough." "My real name is Heathcliff von strton the x." "Way." "Your great-grandfather burned our village to the ground." "Whoa." "Well, then I at least owe you a dinner." "He also raped our blacksmith." "That's not the way he tells it." "Gibbs, I need your help here." "I'm doing a piece on this lie-detector app," "And I need a test subject." "Tell me you like my shirt." "I don't like your shirt." "[ ding, ding ]" "Okay." "Now 'say you like it." "I don't like your shirt at all." "Technically, I think it's a blouse." "[ Ding, ding ]" "Okay, I get that, but now say you like it." "I like your blouse." "[ Buzzer ]" "Hey, it works." "Hey, guys." "Tyler, I like that blouse." "[ Ding, ding ]" "I have a meeting at 4:00," "But I'll see you at home for dinner..." "Doctor." "[ Smooches ]" "Morning." "No." "Please?" "Sorry." "All right, fine." "Amy and I did a little role-playing last night." "All right!" "[ laughing ] good for you!" "Keeping it fresh." "Well, I got to say, it was pretty hot." "I was a thoracic surgeon who was once a rising star." "On the motocross circuit." "Lately, I've been getting the urge to ridegain," "But if something happens to my hands?" "Good god, neal." "That is really specific." "Well, I just found the more detailed I get," "The more..." "You know." "I literally have no idea what you're gonna say next." "Hey, hey." "Oh." "Well, look at this tardy youngun right here." "Yeah." "Uh, sorry." "My alarm didn't go off." "Oh, uh, what was that?" "I said my alarm didn't go off." "[ Buzzer ]" "What the hell is that?" "It's a lie-detector app I'm writing about," "But you wouldn't lie to us, so it must be busted." "Yeah." "Must be." "I'm gonna go get some coffee." " No." " Please?" "Sorry." "All right, well, uh..." "There was this girl at the korean deli last night." "And let's just say that I seized an opportunity." "Whoa!" "Why didn't you lead with that?" "I always tell you when I have sex!" "And I never ask." "Yeah, which reminds me, last night..." "Still didn't ask." "So, what happened?" "I don't know." "Started talking, then we went and got dinner," "And then it got so late, I offered her to stay over," "And before you knew it, we were... [ imitates bed squeaking off-key ]" "You're doing it wrong." "Wow." "Milo with a one-night stand." "It wasn't a one-night stand." "You gonna see her again?" "I didn't get her number." "You know her last name?" "No." "How much time did you spend with this woman?" "One night." "Your witness." "Huh." "All right." "I never had a one-night stand." "Well, good for you, milo." "Yeah, this is great!" "You seized an opportunity!" "This is great." "It's like I'm reborn." "Now I see opportunities everywhere." "No one is safe." "You're safe." "[ sighs ]" "Something smell good." "I didn't cook anything." "Hi, Heathcliff!" "Wow!" "You're still here." "I wasn't sure if you liked cilantro," "So I put in a ton." "Great." "Actually, I think cilantro kind of tates like soap," "But I'm more curious as to how it is." "That I still have the pleasure of your company." "You're funny." "[ Chuckles nervously ]" "I told you this morning that I was gonna stick around." "And make you a nice dinner." "You did?" "'Cause I don't totally remember that." "Oh, I guess I was just talking to the picture of you." "By the nightstand." "Are you not happy that I'm here?" "Well, it's just that I..." "Am so happy that you stayed, as discussed earlier." "In that conversation I now totally remember." "Good." "Hmm." "Soapy." "This thing is pretty great." "Check it." "My name is gibbs." "[ Buzzer ]" "The best movie ever is "leprechaun 2:" "Back 2 the hood."" "[ Buzzer ]" "If you don't stop, I'm gonna throat-punch you." "[ Ding, ding ]" "We've been friends for six years, right?" "Right. [ buzzer ]" "But we've known each other for six years." "Right." "[ Ding, ding ]" "So, how long have we been friends?" "Six years." "[ Buzzer ]" "Five years. [ ding, ding ]" "I might not have liked you that much the first year." "Why?" "Well..." "I might have thought you were a..." "Yes?" "A dick." "What?" "!" "What do you mean?" "I don't know." "When you first got here," "You were all hair and jaw line and fancy smells." "But then I realized that's just your way." "My way?" "So, I have the way of a dick?" "Is that a bruce lee movie?" "Wa-jaa!" "Come on, ty." "That was a long time ago." "We're good now, right?" "Yeah. we're all good." "[ buzzer ]" "Hey, you said we're good, but this thing buzzed." "[ Sighs ] we're not good." "[ Ding, ding ]" "Do I look like jfk?" "The airport?" "What if I do this?" "[ As john F. Kennedy ] err, uh, I'm jfk." "Please tell me this is for amy." "Well, her first choice was batman," "But the mask was giving me panic attacks." "Hey, buddy." "Got you something." "Uh-huh." "So, we cool?" "Because you got me a yogurt?" "It's a chocolate and vanilla swirl." "Symbolic." "Oh, good." "I like chocolate." "I've always liked chocolate." "I never thought it was a dick." "Who would think chocolate was a dick?" "If any flavor's a dick, it's pistachio." "As long as we're being symbolic..." "Now you're being a baby." "Really?" "Would a baby do this?" "[ Snaps fingers ] guess who seized another opportunity." "Well, actually, it was the same opportunity," "But I seized it again." "I guess you could call my place "Seizer's palace."" "We're not gonna call it that." "This is the girl you met in the deli?" "I thought you never got her number." "I didn't." "I got home last night, and she was still there." "Wait." "So, she never left?" "Didn't that seem a little odd to you?" "No." "She said she wanted to make me a thank-you dinner." "For what?" "Huh." "That a solid question." "So, did she stay over again last night?" "Yeah." "Once I got over the whole "she's not leaving my apartment" thing," "I realized she's just a free spirit." "Like this morning, she made me tea out of flowers." "It tasted like hot, wet flowers." "Then we went to a mattress store." "And built a pillow fort." "And defended it against the employees." "Is she nine?" "No, she's just really fun." "Or she's crazy." "Or she's quirky." "Milo, how attractive is this woman?" "Beautiful." "Yeah, I thought so." "Gentlemen, what we've got here is the crazy/hot paradox." "No, that's not even..." "Just let him do it." "See, men judge "crazy"." "Only in relation to how hot the woman is." "Take britney spears." "Now, when she was hot," "We all thought, "well, she's just a little kooky."" "But then she went with that bruce willie haircut." "And started swinging that umbrella at cars." "Then everyone realized she's just bat-shit crazy." "Wow." "Yeah." "The point is," "Once the hot cools down," "That fun girl who just made you the street-flower tea." "Is now a crazy girl who's making a poopie in the bushes." "I think I'd know if I spent two days with a crazy person." "Oh, you would think so," "But the only way to know for sure." "Is to take the hot out of the equation." "Tyler's right." "Don't agree with me like we've been friends for six years." "Milo, the next time you see her," "Try closing your eyes when you talk to her." "What if I peek?" "That's true." "What if you peek?" "This is easy." "All you need to do is get yourself a fun house mirror," "The kind that will make her fatter, not longer." "Or you could just put my richard nixon mask on her head." "I don't need any of these ridiculous ideas." "And why would amy fantasize about being with nixon?" "Oh, she doesn't." "It's actually JFK's fantasy." "He likes when nixon watches." "Oh, hey." "You're here." "Which is totally normal." "We're just finishing up book club." "I know what you're thinking." "This must look pretty weird..." "a person in a book club." "Yeah, well, it does seem a little..." "Quirky and fun. [ chuckles ]" "Um, look..." "I need to ask you something." "Sure." "Let's play the game where every time you ask me a question," "I take something off." "Is that even a game?" "Ooh." "You have done this before." "Okay, you're not gonna make this easy for me, are you?" "Another question." "You..." "Are..." "Good." "Okay, um, here." "Put on this nixon mask." "It's really important." "Not the first time I've heard that." "Oh, my god." "How are you even making that sexy?" "Wow, you have mastered the question game." "[ As john F. Kennedy ] ask not what your boyfriend." "Can do for you." "Still working on your jfk?" "I hope amy is preparing as much as you are." "[ Normal voice ] what do you mean?" "Well, you're jfk." "Is she Jackie or Marilyn?" "Or se super-version," "Like Marilyn on top and Jackie in the back?" "Or is it marilyn in the back?" "Nah, the super-version is just marilyn." "No, she's amy." "She's always amy." "Wait, when you're role-playing in bed, she just plays herself?" "Yeah, she doesn't fantasize about being other people." "She just fantasizes about being other people." "Uh-huh." "So, her fantasy is to cheat on you." "With a whole bunch of other dudes." "No, no, no, no, no." "No." "This is just..." "Wait." "What?" "Yeah." "Here's the fun game you're playing with your girlfriend." "She decides who to have sex with every night," "And it's never you." "Well, it's never you, either." "Although it has been discussed." "Hey, is there a game where every time you ask a girl a question," "She takes her clothes off?" "You couldn't see past the hot, could you?" "Well, she didn't give me a chance." "Because of the question game," "Which I thought was quirky," "But then I thought maybe it's crazy." "I might have a crazy person living in my house," "And I just can't tell." "You got to come over and meet her, okay?" "Eh, if she's still there." "[ Scoffs ] she'll still be there." "Gibbs, I need you to come, too, okay?" "I'm not going if he is." "Well, fine." "I'm not going if you are." "Unless we're doing something fun." "Milo, I'm gonna know in about two seconds if your lady is crazy or not," "And I'm gonna call it like I see it." "That's what friends are for." "[ Scoffs ] like you would know what friends are for." "Come on, Tyler." "You know what?" "I'm getting sick of this." "Would you guys just apologize to each other?" "[ Sighs ]" "Gibbs?" "I'm sorry, milo." "To tyler." "Oh." "Uh, tyler, I'm sorry that your feelings got hurt." "Don't do that." "Don't do the "fake apology" apology." "I don't know what to tell you, man." "I think you're kind of overreacting." "I'm not overreacting." "I'm reacting." "You know why?" "'Cause this sort of thing has happened to me before." "I can't help it if I have a chiseled face." "Or the hair of a french open quarter-finalist." "I was born this way." "So I guess when you said I was a dick," "It sort of struck a nerve." "Because I'm sick of people looking at me and just seeing this." "Gibbs, you have no idea." "What it's like to be facially profiled." "I'm sorry." "That's insensitive." "Of course you know what it's like because you're also super-handsome." "[ Smacks knees ]" "Look, man..." "I'm sorry, too." "Shake?" "Tyler, take out your phone." "Could you hurry?" "'Cause you guys are just holding your hand over my crutch," "And we've already hit a couple potholes." "Ask me who my best friend is." "Who's your best friend, gibbs?" "You are, tyler." "[ Buzzer ]" "Ask me who my second best friend is." "Who's your second best friend?" "You are, tyler." "[ Ding, ding ]" "Forgot about my boy evan from junior high." "You guys got to meet evan." "Hello?" "Abbie, you in the bathroom?" "Abbie:" "There's a bathroom?" "!" "See?" "She's funny, right?" "Oh." "Hello." "Hey." "Uh, so, these are my friends from work." "This is gibbs and tyler." "Guys, this is abbie." "Nice to meet you." "I loved you on "miami vice."" "[ milo chuckles ]" "Are you staying for dinner?" "Both:" "Uh, yeah." "Well, I'll get some extra plates." "I was gonna make pigs in a blanket," "But I couldn't find your linen closet." "Or your pig closet." "So, what do you guys think?" "Terrific." "She's great." "I know, right?" "Wait." "No." "Guys." "It's the paradox." "Close your eyes." "Damn." "I peeked." "Uh..." "Abbie, can I ask you a question?" "Ooh!" "We're playing this game again." "Oh, no, no, no." "You don't have to do that." "Oh, let her!" "She just wants to play." "Come on." "Look, um, you know, the guys were asking me about you," "And I realized that there's just so much I don't." "Well, I was born in nebraska," "I have two sisters, and one sister." "See, when you say things like that..." "And I don't know how to say this gently, but..." "You sound nd of crazy." "Well, that must be because I'm an escaped mental patient." "[ laughs ]" "What a delightful sense of humor." "Can I borrow your phone?" "Um..." "Would you do me a favor?" "Could you say that last thing one more time?" "I'm an escaped mental patient." "[ Ding, ding ]" "Did an angel get its wings?" "Hi, honey." "Oh." "[ Door closes ]" "Casual Friday, mr." "President?" "I'm..." "I'm not the president." "Of course you're not!" "What would the first lady say?" "[ Scoffs ]" "No, amy, I'm just neal..." "Your boyfriend." "Isn't that enough for you?" "What?" "What are you talking about?" "Well, the thing is," "I'm always someone else and you never are." "It's like you'd rather be with anyone else in history instead of me." "[ Chuckles ]" "Oh, my god, honey." "No, it was just this article I read." "About keeping it sexy in the bedroom." "Well, then why weren't you doing it, too?" "I get so embarrassed," "And you we so confident and uninhibited." "And okay with your T-shirt not being on, but..." "I can dress up, too, if you want." "No." "Amy, you're my dream girl, and I want to be with you." "Mm." "[ Smooches ]" "You and megan fox." "[ laughs ]" "I am gonna miss this place." "[ Sighs ]" "This apartment really speaks to me." "I'm sure that it does." "Uh, here's some money for a cab." "And promise me." "You're gonna go straight to your aunt's brownstone." "No, I'm gonna shack up with the first guy who smiles at me." "I'll be fine, Heathcliff." "[ Smooches ]" "Hey, I at least owe you something for letting me stay here." "What?" "No." "That is totally unnecessary." "Here." "It's a cup of whispers." "I hope it fits." "[ Elevator bell dings ]" "Are you new to the building?" "No, I'm just riding the elevators." "Because it's past curfew at the asylum." "I'm ricardo." "Any word from kook for cocopals?" "I got an envelope with a button, some macaroni," "And one squirrel tooth." "Only one?" "It's better than last time." "Yeah." "Either she's back on her meds." "Or that squirrel's running out of teeth." "Here's to the first one." "[ laughs ]" "Hear, hear." "Hey, neal, let me ask you something." "Did you like me when we first met?" "Of course." "Uh, "like" is such a subjective word." "What about you?" "Well, it's hard to immediately like a guy." "Who looks like a villain in a 1980s ski movie." "Come on!" "I mean, it just seems like." "If we don't raise $1,200 by the weekend," "Your dad's gonna shut down the mountain." "And build a bunch of condos." "[ laughter ]" "Where are we gonna get that kind of money?" "We're just a bunch of scrappy underdogs." "The only way to stop him," "Is to challenge him to a race down devil's backbone." "But I thought they closed devil's backbone." "After the avalanche that killed your older brother." "That's right." "Go drive your dad's porsche." "While your super hot girlfriend slowly pose in..." "Hey, you better double check her bunions before the race."