"Mom!" "Mom!" "Get up, we have to go!" "MOM, GET UP!" "Oh, Poopie-kins, it's very early." "Mom, I told you!" "The new Sony PSP game machines go on sale at seven a.m. today." "I have to be the first to get one!" "Come on!" "Sweetie, can't we go after school?" "Everyone's moms are taking their kids after school" "We're outsmarting everyone by getting to the store right when it opens!" "Let's go!" "I can't wait to see the look on everyone's faces when I show up to school with a PSP!" "I wonder if Kyle will cry?" "Oh PLEASE let Kyle cry!" "What the hell?" "!" "Kenny, when did you get here?" "(Friday)" "Friday?" "!" "Aw, Jesus!" "I'll just... sort of get in here - in here." "Hey dickhole!" "What do you think you're doing?" "Uh, my friend Kenny was saving my place in line." "There's no saving place, fourthie!" "Get to the back or we'll beat your face in!" "Oh, Goddamnit!" "They'd better not sell out!" "That thing is pretty cool." "What games did you get with it?" ""It's a game called ""Heaven versus Hell.""" "Kenny commands the armies of heaven against the forces of Satan." "Dude, you see what Kenny got?"" "YES YES, I KNOW!" "UP YOURS, KYLE!" "Wuh what'd I do?" "JUST SHUT YOUR JEW MOUTH!" "Congratulations!" "You have reached ..." "lever nine!" ""Wow, level nine already?" "Dude, you kick ass in ""Heaven versus Hell."""" "Yeah, Kenny finally found something he's really good at." "Kenny?" "Kenny, are you still playin' with that thing?" "Kenny, it's been two weeks and you've done nothin' else!" "(I could get to level sixty!" ")" "Who cares if you almost made it to lever sixty?" "!" "You're wastin' your life, Kenny!" "If you died tomorrow, what would you have to show for it?" "!" "You'er gonna end up wishing' you'd done more with your life, just like your dead-beat father!" "Hey, I heard that, bitch!" "I wasn't talkin' to you, asshole!" "How about I come in there and kick your teeth in!" "I'd like to see you try!" "Goddamnit, do you have to smart off at me in my own house?" "!" "It's my house too, you no-good loser!" "You have reached level sixty!" "(Yes!" "Woohoo!" "I did it!" "I reached lever s -!" ")" "Oh yeah, lever four, sweet!" "(Hey, that's odd.) (Hey, I'm floating." "That can't be!" "Hey wait!" ")" "Open the gate!" "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven, Kenny." "I am Peter." "(What the fuck is going on?" ")" "There isn't much time, Kenny." "You're dead, but, your death was no accident." "Heaven needs you." "(Me?" ")" "Come!" "There is much to discuss." "Things are not good in Heaven, Kenny." "Satan is planning a massiva attack and he knows we are too few in number to stop him!" "God has changed the rules here." "For ages, only Mormons were allowed into Heaven." "Hey!" "Hi, there!" "Hello!" "But knowing that Hell was becoming much larger," "God decided to let more people cross over so that he could build an army as well, an army that YOU must command." "(That I what?" ")" "The Sony PSP was built by God, to determine who on Earth had the best skills to defeat the armies of Satan." "You... are the best." "YOU, are the only hope for the universe." "Satan's army grows as we speak." "The Dark Lord knows that our armies are few in number, and unorgamized." "So our only hope..." "is perfect strategy." "A child?" "This is God's solution?" "He beat Satan's army in over three thousand separate simulations." "Archangel Michael, what say you?" "The child did something none of us could:" "Reach lever sixty on the PSP." "Now I don't know if that's luck or perseverence, but it's Goddamned impressive." "All right, Kenny, let me show you what we're up against." "This is the Kingdom of Heaven." "Satan's armies will attack the gate ...here." "They are... ten billion in number." "Maybe more." "Our armies are here, here, and here." "Just under... ten thousand strong." "We are outnumbered and in need of someone who can singlehandedly bring the whole Dark Empire down." "Basically, Kenny, you... are Keanu Reeves." "My fellow damned souls!" "Now is the time for our assault!" "You know no fear!" "You will drink the blood of angels!" "We go now!" "Nothing can stop us!" "Step aside!" "Step aside, I say!" "Satan!" "God has mocked thee once again!" "My spy!" "God has found a way to defeat your army." "Impossible!" "How?" "!" "A young man." "Basically, he he's like Keanu Reeves." "Oh Jesus Christ." "My Lord." "My Lord, we must attack, now!" "What's the point?" "!" "They have a Keanu Reeves now." "Do not fear, my Lord." "Your army is great!" "Very well." "Demon Army, begin your march on Heaven!" "Up here, you get the best tactical view to protect the fortress." "It is from here, Kenny, that you shall command the armies of heaven." "(All right." "How am I supposed to do that?" ")" "Simple." "You will use... this." "This golden PSP is king of all PSPs." "Hail the holy PSP." "It works just like the ones we sent to Earth." "All the commands you make will be sent to the troops down on the battlefield." "All you have to do is play the game, Kenny." "Only this time, It's for reals." "Gabriel returns with news!" "Hell's army is departing!" "They head now for the Gates of Heaven." "Prepare the troops!" "We must be ready for them!" "The time is at hand, Kenny." "The stage is set and the final battle between Heaven and Hell is about to begin!" "The fate of the outcome is in your hands." "Where'd he go?" "Doctor!" "Doctor, we have a pulse!" "Then that's it!" "We brought him back." "Amazing, doctor!" "You've revived somebody who's been legally dead for almost a day!" "Call the parents." "They're going to be shocked to find out... their son is alive." "It's the latest in electro-plastilical science." "Your son's organs are all functioning again." "It's a miracle..." "Kenny, you're alive." "I'm a-fraid he can't respond to you." "You see, being dead for that long, most of Kenny's brain cells died from lack of oxygen." "Your son is alive, but, in what we call a "persistant meditative staute."" "Will he ever recover?" "I'm afraid no." "Brain cells cannot be repaied once dead." "But his soul is still in here." "Almost... trapped in here, if you will." "Kenny is the same as he ever was." "It's just that, now, he's more like ...a tomato." "He can't more on hiw own-ah how will he eat?" "A feeding tube." "It pumps a nutrient paste directly into Kenny's stomache." "With it we can actually keep Kenny the tomato alive for years." "A feeding tube?" "!" "Yes." "Apparently they're using machines to keep them alive." "But... that's not natural." "God intended Kenny to die!" "What are these people doing?" "!" "The child's soul is now trapped inside his vegetative body." "We have no one to command the troops with the PSP's" "And Satan's armies are approaching." "Oh God-damnit" "Boys I want to thank you for coming down to my office on such short notice." "Are we in trouble or something?" "No." "Boys, I'm a laywer." "Your friend Kenny has passed away and I've called you here to read his will." "Kenny had a will?" "In the highly liekly event of my death, I, Kenny McCormick, wish to leave all my belongings to my good friends, Stan and Kyle." "Dudes, you were the friends a guy could have." "Oh wow..." "That's... really touching." "Fags!" "To Eric Cartman:" "Eric, I never really liked you." "But then, nobody does." "You have no ability to feel, and you are going to die alone and miserable." "It is only because I feel so sorry for you that I leave you my Sony PSP." "Oh yeah!" "Oh yeah, baby!" "Who the man?" "Who the man?" "There is one more thing I would like to ask you all, as my friends." "If I should ever be in a vegetative state and kept alive on life-support, please,..." "Please what?" "I don't know." "I lost the last page." "Who cares?" "Kenny's dead!" "When do I take possession of my PSP, sir?" "It's right here, along with Kenny's other belongings." "They're all yours." "Yes!" "He's alive!" "What?" "Kenny McCormick!" "He's alive at the hospital!" "Oh my God!" "Your army nears the Kingdon of Heaven, my Lord." "I don't know if we should continue without knowing more about this Keanu Reeves God has." "Satan!" "I come bearing good news!" "The Keanu Reeves boy has been revived on Earth!" "His soul is no longer in Heaven." "Then God is helping us." "Full march, to the Gates of Heaven!" "Victory is ours!" "Kenny?" "Kenny!" "You're alive!" "Dude, how's you do that?" "He can't responde to you, boys." "Being dead for that long caused severe damage to his brain." "Well... well then he's NOT alive." "He's alive." "He-ee smiles when I talk to him." "I think..." "That's not Kenny." "Kenny sniffs paint and sets things on fire!" "Here, look." "Kenny, Kenny look." "Want a dollar?" "I don't know if it's right to keep Kenny alive on that machine." "I I just..." "I don't know what he would want." "Yeah, the lawyer lost that page." "Oh, I just remembered!" "Kenny told me this one time that he wouldn't wanna be kept alive via feeding tube." "He did?" "When?" "Um, it was um, this one time..." "He did not say that!" "You just want him dead so you can have his stupid PSP!" "Stupid?" "PSP is stupid?" "!" "Did you all hear that?" "Uh I mean, I mean this isn't about PSP, Kyle!" "This is about my friend, and his wishes." "And Kenny said he didn't want to live like this!" "He did not!" "Did so!" "Did not!" "Fine!" "We'll see about this, you freakin' Jew!" "I'm gonna get that feeding tube removed if I have to go all the way to the Supreme Court!" "Satan's army has crossed over the Plains of Limbo!" "Then they will be here on the morrow." "Without Kenny's soul here there will be nobody who can use the holy PSP." "No!" "There is another." "A Japanese boy did make it to level fifty-nine." "Are you stupid, Uriel?" "Japanese people don't have souls!" "Yeah" "Yeah, Uriel!" "Oh, right right, I'm sorry" "Kenny remains our only hope!" "Here is what we must do." "we will put all our troops at Heaven's Gate." "We will try to keep Hell's Aermy from breaking through as long as possible." "Hopefull, it will be long enough to get our Keanu Reeves back." "You see your honor, I was the only one that Kenny McCormick told his wishes to." "And Kenny told me specifically that he would never want to be kept alive on a machine." "What they're doing to him ...is not right." "Well I'm sorry, young man, but the parents want their child kept alive." "I don't believe you have any legal authority here." "I do have legal authority, your honor." "You see, I was Kenny's..." "BFF." "Best friends forever?" "That's right." "Kenny and I have been BFFs since first grade." "Here, look." "Kenny has the other half of this BFF necklace." "I believe you all know what that means, and how serious this is." "Look, Kenny, your friends are here to visit you again." "But this just doesn't seem right." "Wha, what's the matter, doctor?" "I'm afraid I've been given a court order to remove Kenny's feeding tube." "What?" "He's right in here." "Cartman!" "Kenny's BFF says that Kenny didn't want to be kept alive artificially." "The courts have determined we must obey his wish." "Cartman is NOT Kenny's BFF!" "Sir, take a look at this." "That's all the verification we need." "Pull the feeding tube, doctor." "No doctor!" "You can't!" "I'm sorry." "I have no choice." "Here is the hospital" "This is hopeless, Gabriel." "We cannot interact with anything on Earth, how could we possibly get a feeding tube removed?" "That dirty no-good sonofabitch!" "Now that Cartman got Kenny's feeding tube out, he he's gonna die for sure!" "The tube has been removed?" "Apparently, some blessed child has done our work for us." "Good." "Now all we must do is pray nobody interferes with the child's death a second time." "Yeah!" "No!" "Let's go to the, uh, media." "We'll make everyone in the country know that they're killing Kenny." "Yeah, come on!" "No!" "No, no boys!" "Aw Goddamnit!" "A right-to-die case debate is heating up in Colorado, where Kenny McCormick's feeding tube has been removed by his BFF." "Two boys are bringing national attention to this story by protesting outside the hospital." "Don't kill Kenny!" "You bastards!" "No!" "No, they're not killing him, they're letting him die!" "You bureaucrats have no right to play God and take that tube out!" "Nono, see, they were playing God when they put the feeding tube IN!" "A woman was arrested for trying to bring food to the patient." "Get your man-hands off of me!" "However, a growing number of people are also standing behind Kenny's BFF, Eric Cartman." "We must respect the wishes of people's BFFs." "Otherwise all our BFF necklaces would become meaningless" "We all have BFFs, and we believe that a BFF is the highest legal authority." "That's right." "Respect our authoritih-m." "What mockery is this?" "!" "My Lord..." "The feeding tube has been pulled!" "If the child dies and his soul returns to heaven God will have his Keanu Reeves!" "Perhaps the child won't die in time." "Forget it!" "I'm calling the attack off!" "No!" "Keep your army marching, my Lord." "I will get that feeding tube put back in." "How?" "I will do what we always do:" "Use the Republicans." "We Republicans are deeply saddened by the tragic events in Colorado." "Removing the feeding tube is murder," "Who are we to decide if Kenny should live or die?" "It is God's will that he live!" "No no, you don't say that part." "Jesus, their army is massive." "Heaven help us." "The biggest battle of all time is about to begin:" "the battle of the feeding tube!" "As people on both sides of the argument vie for media attention." "We want all the country to see that Kenny is alive, and in pain!" "I believe the people at home see he's NOT in pain because he's a tomato!" "You say tomato, but I say Kenny!" "You say Kenny, but I say tomato!" "Tomato!" "Kenny!" "Kenny!" "Tomato!" "Uuhh, excuse me." "I uh, just found the last page of Kenny's will." "What?" "I found the page where Kenny specified his wishes about being on life support." "Well, what does it say?" "If I should ever be in a vegetative state and kept alive on life support, please... for the love of God, don't ever show me in that condition on national television." "Oh geez." "Maybe we let this thing get out of hand." "This issue is so complicated, but... mmaybe we shhhould just let Kenny go in peace." "You mean, Cartman's side is right?" "Cartman's side is right, for the wrong reasons." "But we're wrong, for the right reasons." "Come on, everybody." "I think Kenny wants to be left alone." "We've just received word that Kenny McCormick... has passed away." "The debate still rages on in America, but at least now, Kenny... is in a much more peaceful place." "The armies of Satan have already broken through the gate!" "We're gonna die!" "Send our troops to the battlefield!" "I'll command as best I can!" "Michael!" "Michael!" "The humans finally did the right thing!" "Oh my God, they killed Kenny!" "Get him into the command station!" "Hurry!" "Satan's army charges!" "Tell our troops what to do, Kenny!" "So it begins." "Now we shall see the final battle between Heaven and Hell play out!" "Yesss, good, Kenny!" "The angel spearmen are taking out their demon soulrippers!" "Oh, the cavalry angels are clashing with their Black Knights!" "Oh my God!" "My God, this battle is epic!" "Ohh, they're bringing in their demon dragons!" "Look at the size of them!" "My God, this is even bigger than the final battle in the Lord of the Rings movie!" "It's like, it's like TEN times bigger than that battle!" "No!" "NO!" "How are we losing?" "!" "The child's soul is in Heaven!" "God has his secret weapon!" "We'll retreat!" "Patience, my Lord!" "No, Kevin!" "That's it!" "I'm breaking up with you!" "Yesss." "Yes, Kenny!" "Satan's forces are retreating!" "This is TRULY a sight to behold!" "OH I wish I had a camcorder!" "We have done it!" "We have defeated the armies of Satan!" "Kenny!" "Bless your soul!" "You've saved all of Heaven!" "Yes, Kenny!" "And to thank you for all you've done, we are going to give you a very special gift." "For saving the entire universe from the forces of evil, we give you this." "Keanu Reeves' statue." "Congratulations."