""Dear diary, slightly euphoric."" "After 11 days staring at the ocean, Everything man-made is fascinating." "The white dome houses Howard Hughes' Spruce Goose," "The largest wooden aircraft built." "It only flew once, but it was a true child Of the American desire to test technology." "It's technology that has brought me To America twice as fast as Phileas Fogg." "From being well behind the entire trip, I've almost caught him up." "Now I am just two days behind." "I daren't let myself dwell on the fact" "That I'm still on the other side of the world With only 17 days left." "The only cloud on a sunny evening" "Is having to say goodbye To Capt Amirapu and the crew " "Perfect hosts and unbeatable At Pass the Parcel." "The good news is I'm going On the fastest ship of my journey," "Able to outrun any container carrier." "The bad news is, She's embedded in concrete." "RMS Queen Mary. 51 years ago, she crossed The Atlantic in fewer than four days." "Now she sits still, a well behaved, Well groomed prisoner." "It's amazing how tempting the Pacific looks When you're not on it." "It's Thanksgiving weekend And America is taking it easy." "On such a day, there is no entertainment Quite like that on Venice Beach." "The street theatre opens at breakfast time." "Thank you, thank you!" "I have to take a five-minute break To recharge my batteries." "The next show is in five minutes and you Could get a surprise from Dr Robotron!" "Thank you, thank you, time out." "(STRIDE JAZZ PIANO VERSION OF "SWEET GEORGIA BROWN")" "As the sun climbs, so does the energy level." "This is concentrated California " "Unselfconscious, ostentatious, Loud and unapologetic." "It's the happy face of excess." "Time to go." "It's oddly disturbing staying on a liner Built for speed that never moves." "Her new owners Have preserved her body well," "But they've taken liberties with her spirit." "On her fine wide deck are poignant memories" "Of days before the rich and famous Travelled on Concorde." "The faces are there, But everything else is missing." "And, nowadays, the Queen Mary's horizon Never changes." "Union Station, Los Angeles," "Is another great relic Of the stylish and elegant 1930s." "(BUSBOY) 16, upstairs, eight, upstairs." "That was B, upstairs." "OK..." "And A, upstairs." "Almost from the moment the station Was built, the railways fell into decline," "But no one could quite kill them off." "There's still an express from LA to Chicago." "It's called the Desert Wind," "But you won't see Many stars on it these days." " When do we start?" " When do we start?" "As soon as they hook up and the power Comes on, they say "Aboard" and we go." " When do we get to Glenwood Springs?" " We get there tomorrow..." "Afternoon." "Everyone here is a natural performer." "The Staff of the Desert Wind are no exception." "They run the train as an endearing mixture Of holiday camp and the Titfield Thunderbolt!" "A-board!" "We pull out into the suburbs of LA Over an hour late," "But no one seems to worry." "They're on board because they love trains." "From an aeroplane, America disappears below you;" "From a train, it opens up before you." "You can take in its breathtaking beauty In the detail it deserves." "The 65th day of my journey And the first sight of snow," "As we climb up into the Sierras." "Tonight, we'll be in the Mojave Desert," "At dawn we'll reach Salt Lake City, Then Glenwood Springs in the Rockies." "Outside, the landscape Is grand and daunting." "Inside, the passengers Are chummy and accessible." " Nice to meet you." "Michael Palin." " And you." " I am Mar-Mer the Clown." " Mar-Mer the Clown?" " A travelling clown, obviously?" " Yes." "Travelling from my small community." "I live on a farm." "When I want jobs, I get on the phone." "I say, "I am Mar-Mer the Clown And I have a great show!" ""The show is an hour." "I play music, I do puppets, I do everything."" "They say, "OK, how much do you charge?" I tell them and they book me." "If I asked you to come and entertain, What sort of act would you do?" "OK, i'll tell you one way that I open my act, Which came upon me one time." "I start and I tell them that everything Is huge, big movements!" "I have this gorgeous gown That has huge sleeves, you know," "And a huge ruff." "And I say, "Do you know what Mar-Mer The Clown did before she came?" ""She put on her white clown face..." ""then she put on her eyes, Big and black and bright," ""her nose she painted a rosy, rosy red" ""and her mouth, and on her head She pulled her silly red wig."" "Can I ask you..." "This is fascinating, But how long have you?" " Two years." " Clown for two years?" "You took it up..." "Why?" "Well, my husband says I was always a clown!" "As our three locomotives Haul us 5,000 feet up into the Rockies," "Word reaches me that a ship bound for England leaves New York in five days." "In theory, I have a day to spare, which i'd Planned to use seeing a friend in Chicago." "But the Rocky Mountains are so tempting," "I decide to forget friends in Chicago And explore." " Greenwood Springs!" " Thank you for a great trip." " Hope you come back to the USA." " i'll do it the other way round!" "Your connection will be over on that side." " Thanks." " OK." "Nice trains." "A few hundred yards from the station is One of the largest jacuzzis i've ever seen!" "It may be winter, But partial nudity is in order" "As bathers risk air temperatures Of 33 Fahrenheit" "To bask in water temperatures of 104." "These waters soothed the Ute Indians Over 100 years ago." "Now there are no Indians left" "And for 25 cents anyone can buy Three minutes in the therapy seat," "Something like a benign electric chair." "It can go wrong, like anything else." "It's my first hot bath for a few weeks, which Is why so many people have disappeared." "It's very pleasant." "It's like swimming In slightly over-salted consommé." "I'm told that no marine life Can exist in here, so you are safe." "Michael Palin, news at 4.30, Greenwood Springs, Colorado." "An hour away, and a further 2,500 feet Up into the Rockies, is Aspen, Colorado," "America's most exclusive winter resort." "It's a combination of East Coast taste And West Coast money." "No neon signs, no sodium street lights," "Houses clean and neat and rented out." "Most people who work here live out of town Where it's cheaper." "All of you who know "Around the World in 80 Days"" "Will wonder why I haven't been in a balloon." "It's because the balloon wasn't in the book." "It was a fabrication of Mike Todd For the film." "So you won't find me in a balloon." "Apart from this one." "As we go up, my stomach Remains firmly on the ground." "I can't accept why I have to wear a seat belt To drive to the supermarket," "But nothing at all to drift in a small basket 1,000 feet above solid rock!" "But stark fear becomes resignation," "Then tentative enjoyment And, finally, sheer pleasure." "Graceful in the sky, hot air balloons Are clumsy on the ground." "But in some quarters, Our landing is greeted with howls of joy!" "(DIN OF BARKING)" "These are some of the 250 huskies Bred and trained at Krabloonik, near Aspen." "Some are racers, others are being prepared To go on a 5,000-mile crossing of Antarctica." "All I want is to hitch a ride To the nearest railway." "The human element In a dog team is a musher." "My musher today is called Marian." "He's a law school dropout from Mississippi, Now married to Aspen's librarian." "I'm feeling spoiled!" "So much for the butch image!" "Swaddled against the elements Like some Victorian duchess," "There's clearly little I can contribute But to sit still and shut up." " Comfortable?" " Yeah, I'm fine." "We're set when you guys are." "Then we're away with a helpful shove From a fellow musher," "A surge of dog power From the 13-strong team," "And howls of outrage from the dogs we left." "Marian controls the team By co-operation rather than coercion." "No whip or rein is used." "He knows the name, not only of each dog, But of each dog's parents and grandparents." "Dog sledding requires physical strength And intense concentration." "The musher is a mixture of charioteer, Speedway rider and sergeant major." "All that stops me feeling guiltily lazy" "Is that the dogs are clearly having As good a time as I am." "The stamina of the huskies is extraordinary." "In an annual race across Alaska, They cover 100 miles a day" "For 17 days in all weathers." "If there was enough snow, They'd take me to Chicago." "As it is, we only just make Glenwood Springs." "Here I'm greeted by the ominous news That the Chicago train is delayed." "This could be serious." "I have to be In Chicago on time tomorrow." "If I miss the connecting train to New York, I miss the boat to England," "And i've no spare day left." "I begin to regret having got off the train." "A few minutes becomes an hour And then an hour and a half." "Come on, get a move on!" "What was the delay?" "Three trains meet at Salt Lake City" " Desert Wind, Pioneer and California Zephyr." "California Zephyr got stuck in snow and we Need them, because they have the engines." " Any more snow up front?" " Right there, all around you." "As we pull away into the evening," "What was almost a stroll Again becomes a race against the clock." "I arrived here in ease, I leave in mild panic." "Across Nebraska and into Iowa on the tracks Of the Burlington and Northern Railroad." "In America, Rail freight is in private hands." "Amtrak trains rent the lines they pass over." "They aren't always given the best And freight trains have priority." "Prospects for catching up time look as bare As the farmlands we're passing." "I don't know if it's because I've been in the Orient," "But I really notice how big Americans are." "I mean huge!" "And a lot..." "No, you are slim." "Chuck, you are slim Compared to some people on this train." "Some are very big indeed." "What problems does this bring?" "We treat them same as..." "We treat obesity as a handicap." "But there are some special problems Encountered with that." "One in particular was on our coastal train Between Seattle and Los Angeles." "A woman had forgotten To put the toilet seat down" "And instead of sitting on the seat, She sat on the steel mechanics of it." "On our facilities, we have a macerator For treatment of the material." "So, she sat on this mechanical box" "And her obesity went into..." "Into the toilet bowl." "Instead of a water flush, we use a Combination of suction and a water flush." "Her obesity, unfortunately, hit the little Hole and she got sucked into the toilet." "That's the sort of thing Your travel agent never warns you about." " Where are you from?" " Omaha, Nebraska." "Strategic Air Command Is Omaha's claim to fame." "That's where the President and others Arrive in a national emergency" "To blow the rest of the world up!" "Do you have a family that travel with you?" " Are you married?" " No, I'm divorced now." "I formerly travelled with my wife Back and forth to Chicago," "But now it's just me." " When did you divorce?" " Officially, about..." "Three, four months ago." "I mean, we weren't peaches And cream at getting along," "But I didn't think we were in a situation Of getting along that badly." "I did all I could To salvage the relationship..." "Americans will tell you anything." "Some of the stories Are as endless as the line itself," "But time for talk Is one of the pleasures of the train." "Crawling into Burlington, after midday And still the wrong side of the Mississippi," "I'd gladly exchange time to talk With a decent turn of speed." "Come on!" "Get a move on!" "(TANN0Y) Ladies and gentlemen, We are now crossing the mighty Mississippi." "This is the greatest US waterway." "The river Travels 2,350 miles to the Gulf of Mexico." "It is the state line between Iowa And the land beyond." "Before the first river bridge Was built in 1868," "Passengers and freight crossed in ferry boats." "In winter, they braved the ice on foot." "We apologise for the delay And hope it hasn't inconvenienced anyone." "Thank you for choosing Amtrak." ""We hope it hasn't inconvenienced anyone."" "This may well prove to be The epitaph on my journey." "The short December day is already fading" "And still no sign of small town Illinois Becoming urban Chicago." "Well, Chicago has materialised." "Though this isn't its most attractive face, I've never been so glad to see a station!" " New York, please, sleeper?" " Two from the rear end of the train, sir." " Fine." "When does it go?" "Soon?" " Yeah." "It's on time." "(TANN0Y) Attention, please, would Michael Palin come to the ticket office?" "Michael Palin." " Up the ramp and turn to your left." " OK." "Near the escalators." "Up the ramp and left." "This is a mystery." "Who knows I am here apart from the BBC?" " Are you filming a movie?" " Dozens of movies!" " It's the end of the world." " I recognise you!" "Now, where's the ticket office?" "Tickets?" " Del loves you." " He can go to London instead of me!" "Ticket office, up the ramp!" " Where's the ticket office?" " Straight ahead." "Oh, it's up that ramp." "Thank you." "I'm caught between missing the connection And not knowing what the emergency is." "It could be that my ship is re-routed." "I have to find out." "I can see from the clock I've only seven minutes left." "I know it's un-British, But it's time for queue barging." "Excuse me, someone paged me." "A message for Mr Palin?" "That's me." "Mr Palin, call this Gentleman here." "A Seth Mason." "Oh..." "Thank you." "I'll have to call him later." "I'll call him at Christmas!" " Thanks." " 19 North, sir." "So, it's just a message To ring my friend in Chicago!" "The one I didn't have time to see." "Innocently, a friendship has come Within a whisker of wrecking my chances." "I'm not going round the world again!" "I tell you, this is it." "I'll go into an old folks' home," "Travel very gently From Maidenhead to London on Thursdays." "I'm on the Lakeshore Limited, Only 200 miles from New York." "I love this scenery and i'll miss it, But the real America is inside the train." "(WOMAN) The first role model that anybody has Is probably their television set." "The TV says you should be wearing This type of clothing," "You should be working towards this goal." "This is how they are socialised And what they believe." "Little girls are taught That this is the way it should be." "You don't want to be a housewife, You want to be a career woman." "You want to go to college, you want a nice House, you want a Mercedes or BMW," "You want a large home, You want all the amenities." "This is the way Americans are socialised," "As opposed to someone in India," "Someone for whom the principle crux Of their life is religion." "Who gives you this?" "Who sets these standards?" " Who sets our standards?" " Yes, who?" "Teachers?" "American culture." "The Lakeshore Limited attracts a different Clientele from the laid-back Desert Wind." "Why are you on the train?" "Sheila made me come." "We're going To New York to see a show at Radio City." " We're going shopping at Macy's." "What else?" " Chinatown." "See the Statue of Liberty." "Long day." "Won't you do anything fun?" " Chippendales." " Chippendales!" " What's Chippendales?" " Male strippers." "Sure, I get to say that!" " Seen any before?" " Don't be scared." " Sure, i've seen them." " What do they do?" "They dance and strip..." "Not naked, though." " Not naked?" " They grovel for tips." " Are you married, or free spirits?" " Married." " We're married free spirits." " Very good!" " Any strip clubs in the town you're from?" " No." "That's where I saw them!" "When you come back home, Is it an..." "Anti-climax?" "!" "Ask her if she'll explain it to us, please!" "Explain." "Cut!" "Grand Central station, New York." "I disembark With a feeling of quiet satisfaction..." "No, be honest..." "A tidal wave of relief." "(SHE PLAYS "SCARBOROUGH FAIR")" "Half the day left to catch my ship And the chance of being home for Christmas." "I could get ahead with the shopping But I resist the temptation." "Do you know Newark container depot?" " OK." " Great." "You don't get asked that often, right?" " Not too many container passengers." " No." "It's a very strange life I've been leading the last 70 days." "This is great (!" ") New York's only untalkative cabbie." "You ever taken people to the QE2 Or any of those ships?" " Ever had fares going to the QE2?" " The QE2, no." "Well, this is my QE2, the Leda Mersk." "Destination:" "Felixstowe, Suffolk." "This may not be the way the Duke of Windsor Or Liberace did it," "But today, you cross the Atlantic With cargo, or you don't cross it at all." "The Leda Mersk is the tenth ship I've boarded in 70 days." "She may look an unglamorous saviour, But my fate is firmly in her hands." "On a brilliantly clear cold morning, America gives me a fine farewell." "I return the compliment With a wave of relief and gratitude" "To a country which so nearly tripped me up!" " Slow ahead." " Slow ahead." "Leda Mersk, eastbound for Kelso." "Bound and safe." "Leda Mersk." "As we sail out under The Verrazano Narrows Bridge" "I am at last level pegging with Phileas Fogg." "He left New York in the Henrietta With a cargo of gravel." "Both of us have nine days left." "Fogg was confident he'd make it "if the sea did not become too rough," ""if no mishap occurred to the vessel."" "To make doubly sure, he locked up The captain and sailed the boat himself." "If I did that, I'd have the First Officer to Deal with, one of three women on the crew." "The sea looks blue and friendly now," "But i've been warned About the North Atlantic in December." "It can change its mood suddenly And dangerously." "We cross the Gulf Stream," "Where warm water meets cold air And the Atlantic steams like a Turkish bath." "The eerie silence adds to the feeling" "That our fate is in the hands Of greater powers than the Maersk Line." "On our fourth day, the wind rises, The mist clears," "And I prepare for home Helped by Lillian, the stewardess." "I'm rather vain about my hair, So just a little trim to tidy me up" "For that moment on the dockside..." "When I see my loved ones again." " I don't..." " They won't recognise you." "Ah, is that a good thing?" "The meals are on a Viking scale - Copious and carnivorous." "The Danish hospitality, like almost Everywhere else i've been, is generous." " You do live well on this ship, don't you?" " Oh, yeah." "Cheers, thank you." "Here's to the Leda Mersk and her crew" " and everybody who has made me welcome." " Here's to you." "Nice to have you." "We're not there yet, but here's to Felixstowe." "I don't see any fireworks or flotillas." "You'd have thought the BBC Would've got out their Boat Race launch!" "It's funny how moments You've rehearsed for so long" "End up with a quite different script." "I don't have any sense of the heroic." "I just worry if my jacket will fit in my bag" "And did I get presents for all the children?" "When I first blew up the world, it seemed An incomprehensibly huge distance to cover." "Now i've covered it, I can't quite grasp What I have done." "Felixstowe on a cold December morning, Not everyone's idea of the Promised Land," "But when you've been away for 11 weeks, It's home!" "I feel I should be leaping up and down, Terribly enthusiastic," "But the trouble is, I've got fond of life on board ship." "I shall miss the space and clean air." "Don't know if I'm ready For traffic jams and telephones yet." "Thank you, Captain, once again." "Thank you very much indeed." "I may be home, but I'm not home and dry." "Felixstowe to the Reform Club Is by no means a direct route." "You're not going near a railway station, Are you?" "That'll be fine." "Thanks." " Thanks a lot." "That's great." " It's all right." " Bet it doesn't happen to you often." " No." "I've seen these lorries all round the world, Drawing up," "And I thought, "It's time I went in one."" "I thought, "i'll get a British driver and we'll have A chat." "See how things have been."" " Beautiful morning, isn't it?" " It's lovely." "Do you think Drake and Magellan Had this trouble?" ""Hello, Mr Drake, back again?"" "Or are circumnavigators Only of interest to other circumnavigators?" "It's Christmas." "I forgot it's Christmas." " Just back in time." " In time to send my cards." "In time to shop." "I thought I'd just miss all that." "I want to tell the world - i've just Come back from Venice, Athens," "Cairo, Bombay, Hong Kong, Shanghai!" "I've sailed the Corinth Canal, Crossed the Yangtse!" "Just let me tell you about it, please!" "These people don't know about me." "They don't know i've eaten snake, Driven across Arabia in a weekend." "Doesn't it show?" "That's England for you." "There isn't a country In the world less easy to impress." "Tickets, please." "One to Ipswich, please." "One to Ipswich, sir?" "Single?" "Thank you." "What time do we get to Ipswich?" "That's..." "Er..." "I'm not sure." "It's a 25-minute run." "We're going to be in on time." "Arrival... 13.20, we'll be there." " Time for a sleep, then." " Yes." "This is stretching out the agony." "The clock ticks on And I'm still only at Ipswich." "(TANN0Y) The 13.40 London service will call At Colchester and London Liverpool Street." "Change at Colchester for Chelmsford, Shenfield and Romford." "I can't get lunch on the train As the chef has not turned up," "But they serve me tea a few hours early." "There's no better way to see Britain" "Than over afternoon tea With a view from a train." "Liverpool Street Station in London." "With the end in sight, I suddenly feel all my energies flagging." "Maybe it's the tea." "Maybe it's the shock of somewhere so busy After eight days on the Atlantic." "But I'm aware of that atmosphere Of underlying tension" "Most city dwellers don't even notice." "As we pull into Bank Station, A harsh voice triggers my worst fears." "(MUFFLED ANNOUNCEMENT)" "Please stay on the train." "Would passengers Be kind enough to stay on the train?" "Do not leave the platform level." "A suspect package Has been found on the station." "This can't be happening!" "Stay on the train, please." "As the doors close And we move away from the station," "I fancy I can hear above me The galloping of Fogg's hansom cab" "And the light sound of laughter." "At Oxford Circus Station," "I mount what I pray will be the last Set of steps before the Reform Club." "I decide to buy a newspaper As proof of my date of arrival." "Paper, please." "No!" "Not until you get that off!" "He's only photographing me, not you." "Paper?" "Oh, it's good to be back in England," "Where people are so friendly And jolly and co-operative and polite (!" ")" "What is happening?" "This is my home, Yet I feel like a stranger in a foreign land!" "Are these sour, surly faces my countrymen?" "The generosity, curiosity and helpfulness I've had world-wide" "Seems to have run out here." "Maybe it's just Christmas," "The season of long queues and short tempers." "Try again." "Hello." "You won't believe this, but i've just Come back from 80 days around the world," "And, not only have I got no English money, Which I hope you can change for me," "But I'd also, if you could, ask you to Corroborate the date on your sign there." "What is the date today?" " 12th December." " 12th December?" "You say that on oath?" " I would." " OK, thank you." "It may help in this cynical world." "December 12th is all I need to know." "The 13th would have been my 80th day." "December 12th." "I wasn't throwing my voice, You heard him!" "I seriously wonder if I can survive The last few hundred yards." "My past life begins to flash before me." "I've done it." "Suddenly, there they are across Pall Mall," "The welcoming lights Of my final destination, the Reform Club." "But, like the jolly lights of Regent Street," "They are to prove sadly deceptive." "This is the Reform Club and this is where Phileas Fogg started his journey," "This is where I began my journey On September 25th, 1988, 79 days and seven hours ago." "For reasons of their own, the club Do not want me to film in there today," "So I have to say this is the end Of the journey on the pavement outside." "That's it." "Well, it isn't quite it." "The BBC are still open." "Someone there might be pleased to see me." "I don't think we're really on film At the moment (!" ")" "Let's hope Mike arrives soon, So they will pan round and see us." "Hey, it's..." "It's..." "MICHAEL!" "Good to see you!" "Nice to be here amongst friends!" "Calm down, everybody!" "Let's just have a check for corroboration." "The date is?" " Yours says the 15th." "It's wrong." " The 12th." " The 12th!" " We have the 12th, yes." "Thank you very much." "Where's Terry?" "Indian roofing tile." "I got that off the top of a station toilet." "Somewhere in central..." "China." "Chinese tile!" " Dung?" " Probably originally, yes." "Yes, the Dung Dynasty." "Simon, you have got..." "An astrology chart!" "Yes, "Simon and Phyllida's Astrological Chart"." "It was a guy we spoke to in Bombay And I asked him, amongst other things," ""What's in the future for me?"" "And he said, "You will be going round the world."" "This was on Day 30, or something." "I said, "What will it be like?" "Any trouble?"" ""Oh, no, it will go smoothly." "You will get there with a day to spare."" "So, Michael, what has it been like Hiding in a broom cupboard," "At the BBC for 80 days?" "I've run out of ad libs." "Can we stop?" "It's been a long day!" "Can we stop filming?" "Thank you."