"(GUNSHOT)" "(AMERICAN ACCENT) Listen." "I've to got to see E.T.!" "It's been out two years, Mr Malvinas." " Haven't you seen it yet?" " Not the film." "E.T. Fairfax, the new head of Global Oil, your boss." "(BUZZER)" "OK, Mr Malvinas, Mr Fairfax will see you now." "E.T.?" "What is the meaning of this?" "I've just received this memo." "Have you gone kooky?" "In the one day since inheriting Global Oil, you've managed to dispose of assets worth over six billion dollars!" "What is this?" ""All annual profits to be donated" ""to the Brothers of the Soil commune in Wales, England." ""All petroleum and oil to be sold at a retail price of 2p a gallon." ""All oil wells to be given, tax-free, to anyone really nice you can find."" "What is this, E.T.?" "Some kind of sick joke?" "Hello." "Would you like a cup of herbal tea?" " No, I do not!" " No tea." "My God!" "What are you doing now?" "Yeah." "Listen, this company's done some pretty heavy things over the years." "It better get beautiful or this planet's headed for oblivion." "My God, you're right, E.T. Why am I wearing these businessman's clothes?" "I gotta take them off before I become a computer." "Yeah!" "Let's make a teepee out of the desk!" "Yeah, you're beautiful." "Let's be Indians!" "Woo!" "Woo!" "Woo!" "Oh, far out!" "Do you hear the bells, E.T.?" "They're dancing and loving each other, and it's all thanks to you, E.T.!" "(VYVYAN) Shut up, you bastardsI" "What?" "(CHURCH BELLS RING)" "(VYVYAN) Shut up, you bastardsI" "Oh, no." "Shut up, you bastards!" "It's only eleven o'clock!" "(VYVYAN) Oh, GodI Shut up, pleaseI Turn the bloody bells offi" "Phwwooar!" " Morning, Vyvyan." " Piss off." "Yes, it is, isn't it?" "Vyvyan, do you remember anything...?" "Look, stop trying to break my concentration, Rick?" "I'm trying to get rid of this hangover!" "Yes, it was quite a party last night, wasn't it?" "Morning, Michael." "You're up early." "Well, I've got all the Sunday papers to get through." "Quite a party last night, wasn't it?" "Party?" "Must have been good, I don't remember it." "Ha-ha..." "God!" " I'll just make some tea, shall I?" " Eh?" "I thought I'd just make some tea." "Let's see." "One cup, two cups, three cups, four cups..." "Oh, no!" "We've only got four cups, and we need five!" " I said, we need five." " There's one in the sink." "I expect you're wondering why we need an extra cup, aren't you, Mike?" " No." " You and me are men of the world." "Vyvyan and Neil wouldn't understand that grown men like us need..." " We need..." " Two cups of tea." "Yes..." "No." "I mean, yes, we need two cups of tea," " but we don't drink both of them." " Exactly." "One is for Trevor." " Trevor?" " Yeah, you know, Trevor." "My friend who lives in the bin." "This bin?" "He'd hardly live in a biscuit barrel." " Why not?" " It's full of biscuits!" " Ah-ha." " Rick." "Rick." " What?" " Trevor's tea." " Yes..." " Trevor's tea." "Hello?" "Trevor?" "My name's Rick." "Yes." "Hi." "I'm a close friend of Mike's." "I wondered if you fancied a cup of tea." "Oh, you don't?" "Oh." "No, he says he doesn't think he'll bother." "Had you going, didn't I?" "Talking to an empty bin?" "On a Sunday morning?" "There's no one there." "He's gone to church." "Well, then, I wonder who the extra cup of tea is for?" "(YELLS)" "Neil's scalded me!" "I'm disfigured!" "I am the Elephant Man!" "Oh, no, Rick." "Sorry, but there's something freaky going on..." " Lick it up." " What?" " Lick it up, every last drop." "Now!" " Oh." "Oh, hang on." "Has it got sugar in it?" " Yes, a bit." "Yes." " Well, I can't, because sugar gives you brain damage." "Well, you shouldn't come stampeding in like a long-haired elephant." " You mean, like a mammoth?" " It doesn't matter." "Start licking." "Well, it does matter, because mammoths aren't long-haired, they're more, like, woolly..." "woolly mammoths." "Yes." "Yes." "And they're extinct." "Which proves what a bad analogy it was, because I'm not extinct." "Just start clearing this mess up!" "Pig!" " Oh, I'm a pig now, am I?" " Yes." "Now get licking, Porky!" "I don't mind being a pig, because pigs are really intelligent, actually." " Oh?" " Yeah, like dolphins." "Oh, are they?" "Well, who invented the internal combustion engine?" "Was it Porky the Pig?" "I don't think it was, was it?" "And the Theory of Relativity." "Was Pythagoras a pig?" "No, he was Greek." "So, tell me, Neil, what's the major piggy contribution to civilization?" " Hmm?" " Um..." "It's bacon, isn't it?" "Bacon and rolling around in the mud." "Look out, Michelangelo, here comes the new piggy Renaissance!" "Good morning, everybody." "I just can't get rid of this hangover." "That'll teach you to mix your drinks." "(BELL RINGS)" " Is this a cheese shop?" " No, sir." "Well, that sketch's knackered, then." "I said that'll teach you to mix your drinks!" "I already know how to mix my drinks." "Yeah." "Paint stripper and bleach." "Lethal." "Eenie, meenie, minie, mo..." "Oh, by the way, there's a couple of strange girls in the bathroom." "Yeah, I saw one of them." "That was the really freaky thing." "Don't worry." "She probably got lost looking for my room." "I doubt it, actually, Mike, because, as a matter of interest, everybody, the girl in question...is with me!" " Eh?" " Hello!" "Hello!" "Easter eggs all round!" "Hello, everybody!" "I'm the Easter Bunny!" " But it's June 12th." " What?" "It's the middle of summer, Big Ears." "Oh, God." "I'm sorry." "I'm really sorry." "What?" "You mean, you, like, scored with a chick?" "Well, I wouldn't put it in such sexist terms, Neil, but yes." "Wait." "I get the girls around here." "There could be a copyright problem." "But I don't understand." "How?" "Was she unconscious?" "What, Vyvyan?" "Do I detect a little spark of jealousy?" "Ha!" "Jealous?" "I find the idea of spending a night with you revolting!" "You know perfectly well what I mean." "Just because I was the raunchiest guy at the party." "You passed out after half a glass of cider." "Did I?" "That was anarchic!" "Well, it just goes to show, even unconscious, I pick up birds." "I mean, forge meaningful relationships with birds... uh, chicks...tarts...women." " Damn!" "Women!" " I must be hallucinating." " What's good for a hangover?" " Drinking heavily the night before." "Thanks, Mike." "Was it, like..." "Was it the first time you've...?" "(LAUGHS)" "Listen to this!" "How could you think such a thing?" "My first time!" "What was it like?" "Well, you know..." "It was sort of..." "You know." "No, I don't." "Well, it was sort of...sexy." "Oh, God." "I think I'm going to be violently and copiously sick." "Go into lengthy and vivid detail about the whole thing." "I'm going to bend over, open my mouth, and when the muscles in my alimentary canal go into spasm..." "Not you, Vyvyan!" "Rick." "I want to hear about it blow by blow!" "Eh?" "Oh!" "(SPLUTTERS)" "Well, what can I say?" "Have you got a spare couple of days?" "Yeah." "Well, what can I say?" "It was..." "It was amazing." "Pretty amazing." "We did everything." "Like what?" "Like everything." "At one stage, she even took her bra off." "So, I took my dungarees off, and..." " There's those girls!" " Hello." " Good morning." " Hi." "Want to play strip poker?" "Shut up, Mike." "Hello." "I didn't hear you come in." "Oh, I did." "Uh..." "Come in." "Uh..." "Sit down." "Uh..." "Have some breakfast." "Let me introduce everybody." "OK." "Last one to find the animal takes off their clothes." " I found it." "Your turn." " (LAUGHS) This is Michael." "This is Neil." "Go away." "That's Vyvyan...being sick." "Guys, this is... (MUMBLES)" "Who are you?" "Oh, gosh!" "It's all so casual, isn't it?" "It's Rick." "Rick." "Nice day for it, isn't it?" "Oh, no, I didn't mean for "it"." "I meant, a nice day for weather." "Come along, Neil." "Get on with the breakfast." " We haven't got all day." " We have." " What?" " It's Sunday." "We have got all day." "That's not what I'm trying to say." " What's the matter, Rick?" " Nothing." "I'll just make breakfast." "I know what you're thinking." "You'd think I meant centimetres." " I'm sorry?" " I bet you are." "Still, there's always tonight." "What's your name?" "Promise you won't laugh?" "It's Helen." "(LAUGHS)" "It's awful, isn't it?" "Sounds like someone who looks as if they've been to hell and back." "It's hideously embarrassing." "Still, at least my surname isn't Back." "It'd be awful, wouldn't it?" "Helen Back." "My surname is Mucous." "Get down and groove!" "We dance all day in this house!" "(RELIGIOUS CHORAL MUSIC)" " Vyv, you dancing?" " You asking?" " I'm asking." " Well, piss off!" " I hope I'm not putting you all out." " (ALL) No!" "I hope you don't mind, but I needed somewhere to stay." "When I saw you'd gone away, I climbed through the window, found an empty bed, and went to sleep." "(ALL) Eh?" "No." "No, no, no, darling." "No." "It wasn't an empty bed." "I was in there." "Were you?" "You weren't when I woke up." "Rick, you bloody liar!" "You said you done it..." "He said he done it to you!" "Look." "There's obviously been some ghastly misunderstanding..." "Ha-ha-ha!" "Rick is still a virgin!" " I'm not!" "I am not a virgin!" " Virgin!" "Virgin!" " Oh, God!" " Rick." "That'll teach you to cast aspersions on my sexuality, Vyvyan." "Now, then." "Who wants a boiled egg?" " Virgin!" " I'll have a boiled egg, Rick!" "(RADIO ) We interrupt this programme for an emergency newsflash." "A dangerous and vicious murderess has escaped from a max{y:i}imum security jail and is on the loose." "So, keep your doors and windows locked!" "# Captain Blood RadioI #" "This is Captain Blood Radio, broadcasting from 20 degrees south and 45 degrees west of Dead Man's Island in the medium wave area." "And the fishing is good tonight, with the time coming up to...two inches." "I'm Billy Blood." "This is the Dull Religious Music Programme." "Phew!" "Yo-ho-ho, my arse!" "That it would come to this." "(KNOCK AT DOOR)" "Enter!" " Ah, Fletcher!" " No, sir." "Smythe, the bo'sun." "You're right." "Can't see a thing with this patch on." " Sir." " You're a strapping young lad." " Sit on Uncle Billy's knee." " Aye, sir." ""Aye, sir"?" "!" "Was that some kind of joke to my ocular capacity?" "!" "No, Captain..." "I'll show you what we do with insubordination on my ship!" " Bo'sun!" " Yes, sir!" "There you are." "Take him out and flog him." "Very good, Captain." "(BO'SUN) Ow!" "Ow!" "Thrash!" "Thrash!" "Et cetera." " Well?" " I flogged him, sir." "How much did you get?" "(LAUGHS)" " He'll rue the day he came to sea." " See?" "See what?" "Was he blind?" "No, Captain." "I meant to say..." " Shut up, you fat cyclops!" " Who was that?" "That was your parrot." "I don't have a parrot!" "I hate the creatures!" "Horrible, furry things, hopping around, breeding, and eating carrots!" "Next, you'll tell me I've got a talking dog!" "Slap my vitals!" "We scuppered!" "No, it's definitely knackered." "I can hear something rattling inside." "Sorry." "I don't know how I spilled tea on it from here." "Yeah, it was weird." "You seemed to pick up the cup and violently throw it at the radio." " I must apologize." " Oh, Neil does it all the time." " Throws cups?" " No, apologizes." "Oh, hang on." "I think I've fixed it." "(MAN) Good afternoon." "This is the objective and strictly impartial BBC World Service, operating on behalf of the Conservative party." "And now a newsflash..." "Ooh!" "Oh, dear!" "Clumsy me." "I've done it again." "What can I say?" "How about, "Mike, put your hand up my skirt."" "Ex{y:i}cuse me." "I do have a newsflash, if anybody is listening." "Good idea." "Let's have breakfast in bed." " I am not a virgin!" " Virgin!" "Virgin!" "Virgin!" "Alternatively, we can have bed and breakfast." "I'm not a virgin!" "I am not a virgin!" "All right." "All right." "How come I know what a girl's bottom looks like?" " From looking in the mirror." " Damn!" "(RADIO ) Listen, you stupid bastard, I've been trying to tell you, that girl with her hands over Mike's ears is a dangerous murdererI" " That's it, baby." "Treat me rough." " No, a murdererI" "That's better, now... please..." "NoI No, you idiotI I'm your last hopeI" " Missed me, virgin!" " I'm not a virgin!" "Hey, I've just heard something amazingly heavy on the radio!" " I'm not a virgin!" " Virgin!" "Virgin!" " I am not a...!" " (POP!" ")" "Oh, no." "The light bulb's gone." "Well, I'm not surprised, considering you smell so much!" "Rick, I'm not suggesting your jokes are predictable, but there are undiscovered tribes in the Peruvian jungle who knew you were going to say that." "The strange thing is, Rick was right!" "That hippie really does pong!" "Here's a joke, Rick, right?" "How many people would it take to change one light bulb?" "One." "Me, because I'm the only person who ever does anything." "Oh, yes." "What about Amazulu?" "It's our song, baby." "Let's dance." "# Got so much love" "# So much love" "# Got so much love" "# So much love" "# When we're together and the lights start to dimmer" "# Others move right out of view" "# Yes, your soft and tender arms around me" "# Waste ain't cool, 'cause we are no fools..." "Can you put me down now?" "I'm getting vertigo." "Sure, Neil." "# So much love" "# Got so much love for you, and I know it's gonna last..." "Neil, are you going to change this light bulb?" "Me and Mike are sick of your laziness." " Yeah, and me." " Yes, and...thing." "# Order a drink, 'cause the last one's about to finish" "# Moonlight romance, nights to remember" "# Take my arm as I call out a tax{y:i}i..." " Amazulu." " Is that right?" "Ah'm a Glaswegian." "# So much love" "# Got so much love" "# So much love" "# Got so much love" "# So much love" "# Got so much love" "# So much love" "# Got so much love for you and I know it's gonna last" "# Got so much love for you and I know it's gonna last" "# Got so much love for you and I know it's gonna last" "# BrrrrrrrrrrrI #" "Yes, very sweet, but can you go now?" "We're changing the light bulb." "Thank you." "Thank you." "When you're ready." "Right." "Stop sniveling, Neil." "It's because of you the bulb went." "Why can't we use the stepladder?" "Honestly, Neil." "Of all the stupid ideas." "Don't worry, Neil." "We've worked it out to the minutest detail." "Your angle of trajection, your specific velocity..." " Where to bury you." " Where to bury you..." "No!" "Only joking!" "You saw the dummy run with a sack of potatoes." "That was a packet of Smash!" "Everyone knows they're better than real potatoes." "That's what I mean." "And what's the problem, Neil?" "The dummy run was a complete success." "What do you mean?" "The packet was smashed into 15 million pieces!" "And every one of those pieces was smashed into 15 million pieces." "And, although at that point I stopped counting, I..." "Exactly." "You are totally different to Smash, so we should be all right." "Please, can we get on?" "It's only Neil, for Cliff's sake!" "Right." "Don't worry, Neil." "Remember, as you pass the fitting, change the bulb." " Ready, guys?" "Five..." " (ALL) Four..." "Three..." "Two... (SQUELCHY FART)" "Don't worry, Neil." "That won't effect your weight." "Ready, guys?" "One!" "Whoooooaa!" "Oh, wow!" "Oh, no, this carpet really needs hoovering!" "(SUCKS)" "Strange." "Every time I pull at Neil's ankles, flakes of crusty skin come off beneath my fingernails." "That's his cornflakes." "He keeps them in his socks so I don't steal them." "What a nerdy!" "I initial mine with sticky labels." "I just eat the labels as well." " Come on!" " (YELLS)" "The ceiling's fallen in, but at least the bulb's OK." "Yeah." "Here it is, safe and sound." "Where were we?" "Oh, yes..." "Virgin." "Virgin!" "Virgin!" "Here we are, baby." "Ready for fun, ready for loving, and it's only one." " Gosh, is that the time?" " No, that's a wristwatch." " I must be going." " Wait!" " What's 2 foot long with a round end?" " I don't know." "Nor me, but I keep finding it in my cornflakes." " That'll be your..." " (WHINNIES)" "Now I'll never know." "Mike!" "Mike!" "Rick's pretend girlfriend has been crushed by... a sort of medieval knight." "Fol-de-rol de-ray-doo-day!" "That's groovy, but why the fancy dress?" "Who are you?" " I am a knight of the Square Table." " Square Table?" "Well, King Arthur doesn't think I'm cool enough for the Round Table because my suits of armour still have flares." "Ah!" "You can't get squarer than that." "No, shut up, Mike." " Nothing wrong with flares." " And I'm not really into war." "Look!" "Flowers on my lance." "And if I ever have to fight a dragon," "I look at it from the dragon's point of view." "Oh, that's beautiful." "A hippie knight." "Sorry, man." "It's my job." " Where did you get that howitzer?" " Found it!" "Well, put it back, young man!" "I will, just as soon as I've blown you to pieces." "(MUSIC: "GREENSLEEVES")" "I bet...in one second..." "both of my legs will fall off!" "All right." "You're on." "One!" "Damn!" "That's a pound of potatoes I've already lost today." "Hey, there's a 20th-century pad back there." "They're giving away damsels!" "Here, have one." "Excuse me, where's the rest of the street?" "(WHISTLING)" "No!" "Vyvyan!" "No!" "Please!" "Look!" "You were right!" "I am a virgin!" "Not for long, matey." "Look, sorry about your relatives." " He's a sorcerer!" " No, honestly, honestly," "I just wondered where the bus stop's gone and where that hut came from." "There's 59 pence compensation for disagreeing with you." "Thank you." "I'll get the T-shirt printed in the morning." "Guys, quick!" "Barricade the door!" "Lock all the windows!" "Pretend to be invisible!" "I've just committed a bit of a faux pas." " Neil, have you upset the neighbours?" " No, I've blown them up!" "Who said Sunday was a day of rest?" " God." " I knew it was someone Tory." "I shouldn't have touched that magpie." "You're so superstitious." "You'd think it was the Middle Ages." " I'm afraid we are." " What?" "Oh, no!" "Mysteriously, the house has gone through some sort of time warp." "Oh, isn't is all simply enchanting?" "It's like a drawing by Brueghel, with lots of working-class people thrashing about with pitchforks." "Yeah." "They look angry, don't they?" "Just think." "No nuclear power, no pollution, no electric cables ruining the landscape... (ALL) No telly!" "Oh, no!" "I'll die if I miss Scooby Doo!" "Too bloody right, Neil!" "Everybody panic!" "Neil, put your head in there." "Right." "On the chair." "When you said panic, I didn't think you meant hang me." " Rick, test the telly." " Right." "..hotting up in the battle between TVstations for higher ratings..." "You're very lucky, Neil." "..then the BBC came back with "Strip Sex Snooker Darts On Ice"" "with Torvill and Dean." "Of course, ITV immediately came back with "Roland Rat's TV-AM Public Executions"." "(AS ROLAND RAT) Cut his head off!" "Yeah!" "But now, we have..." "Jester Balowski's Medieval Torture Hour!" "(APPLAUSE)" "Yeah!" "Medieval torture." "And our first torture victim is...?" "Gwendoline?" "And our first victim tonight is Spasspecker the Dull!" "(JESTER) Spasspecker the Dull!" "Come on down!" "Spasspecker, come here!" "Come here, Spasspecker the Dull." "Whoo-hoo!" "First in for medieval torture." " Now, are you nervous, Spasspecker?" " A little, Jester, yes." "And apparently, you're married with one lovely daughter." " That's right, Jester." "Gwynyth." " Gwynyth." "That's right." "But unfortunately, she can't be with us tonight, can she?" "No." "Because she's not lovely at the moment, is she?" "No." "Because she's got the plague, hasn't she?" "And her face is one enormous bag of pus!" "That's right, Jester." "In fact, there's a funny story about that." "She wanted to come tonight, but her arms fell off." "Now, pay attention, because we'll be back after this break." "(CRUNCH)" "Now, how would you like to be tortured, Spasspecker?" "Would you like some live scampi in your britches?" "Would you like your eyes sucked out by a goat, then replaced with some hot toffee apples?" "(ALL SHOUT)" "Well, it's completely bloody irrelevant anyway." "Tell us, Spasspecker, what actually was your crime?" "Um..." "Whistling on a Tuesday, Jester." " (AUDIENCE) Ooh!" " You bastard!" "We've got for you, later on, pro-celebrity torture, in which Toby Gruntsplatter, pain-giver to the court of King Edward the Optical Illusion... (APPLAUSE) will be torturing Dennis Waterman's Show Business Eleven!" "(APPLAUSE)" " Including Sir Geoffrey Chaucer..." " (APPLAUSE)" " Sir Boring Old Fart..." " (APPLAUSE) and Helen, the completely mad murderess." "Oh, no!" "The house has been surrounded by angry peasants!" "They're going to burn us as witches!" "We're completely trapped." "The outlook is bleak!" "What are we going to do?" " Oh, who cares?" " Yeah."