"willie, big news, the alfer's won a contest." "yeah, oh, let's see." "you won a copy of "cat lover's monthly"?" "kind of a letdown;" "no recipes." "how did you win this?" "i entered that publisher's sweepstakes thing." "i licked all those magazine stamps, and stuck them on my entry." "you sent in... all... those stamps?" "well, all except "redbook."" "it's still stuck to the roof of my mouth." "just how many magazines did you win?" "check the front porch." "oops." "alf, you didn't win any sweepstakes." "you've subscribed to hundreds of magazines!" "that explains this personal thank you note from ed mcmahon." "**" "here's your cappuccino." "where's the grated cheese?" "i'll get it." "[ alf ] willie, kate, i have something to tell you." "this time the ol' alfer's really won something." "what now?" "11 records for a penny?" "no. this time the alfer's won stuff for everybody:" "pony rides for brian, tennis lessons for lynn, dinner and dancing for you two, and best of all, for the ol' alfer, a toaster." "i guess you didn't hear me;" "a toaster!" "we heard you." "did i mention that the toaster talks?" "oh, alf, this is a real estate promotion." "a free toaster for listening to a... sales pitch about vacation homes." "you mean, no pony rides?" "there may be a pony ride, but there's also a 7-hour car ride... to get to this place." "i'm not driving 7 hours." "sorry, alf." "alfer." "alfer." "[ doorbell ] they lied to a child?" "hi, neighbor." "oh, hi." "got you a present." "thanks, won't you come in?" "i noticed your garbage cans have been flowing over." "oh, we've been throwing out a lot of magazines." "these insert things were all over your porch and lawn." "i kept the perfume samples." "the wife's birthday's next week." "she'll be touched." "as am i." "hey, you got a letter from rancho estates, too." "yeah, the toaster people." "raquel and me go to these things all the time." "hey, you want to go together?" "together?" "no, we're not interested." "because of me?" "no, i didn't mean that." "we'd love to spend a weekend with you folks." "we're not interested in a 7-hour drive." "you can fly there in 1 hour." "sure, but who can afford it?" "i'll fly you there for nothing." "my friend lets me borrow his plane on weekends." "you're a pilot?" "yeah, i flew in korea." "over inchon, i took some commie flak in my ribs." "you want to see the scar?" "no, please-- how ya doing, kate?" "trevor." "then it's settled." "see you friday night after work... at the airport." "what's settled?" "what airport?" "thanks again for the garbage can, trevor." "what garbage can?" "this garbage can." "trevor wants to fly us to rancho estates." "way to go, mister "o"!" "we don't have to see mr. ochmonek... in a bathing suit, do we?" "no, because we're not going." "why?" "it'll be fun." "a weekend with the ochmoneks?" "it's not as if we have to share the same bathroom." "do we?" "no." "let's go, anyway." "even if you could get me in a plane with trevor, we still have the problem of leaving alf alone." "maybe that's not that big a problem." "alf has gone 6 months without starting a fire." "right, dad." "please?" "gee, a vacation would be nice." "okay, let's go." "oh, great!" "i'm ready." "uh-oh, am i going alone?" "no, alf, we're going alone." "this is captain ochmonek speaking." "for those with cameras, on your left is the tujunga toxic waste dump." "i'll fly lower so you can get a better view." "no, we can see it fine from here." "i sure get a kick out of... flying passengers for a change, instead of just cargo." "where's that smell coming from?" "from the cargo hold where the pigs are." "oh, daddy, i feel so sick." "why do we have to fly facing backwards, anyway?" "i guess so we can keep our eye on the pigs." "there you go." "willie, this place is nice. i'm surprised." "me, too. the hotel is great." "i keep looking for the catch." "hello, you must be the tanners." "i'm bill loman, sales manager for rancho estates." "i was expecting you." "no, mr. tanner, i think you were expecting... the hard sell." "there's no need to worry about that." "good." "after you've seen this slide show, you are going to be begging me to sell you a home." "[ recorded voice ] buenos días!" "[ recorded voice ] that means good day." "[ recorded voice ] and at rancho estates, [ recorded voice ] every day is a good day." "would it be okay... if we looked at this later?" "when later?" "much later." "absolutely no problem." "you folks should enjoy some tennis, some swimming and some fishing." "if you need me, i'll be following you in a golf cart." "you know, we expected a sales pitch." "that's no reason why... we can't enjoy ourselves." "alf!" "buenos días!" "let's clear this up." "are you, or are you not... happy to see me?" "i'm happy, alf." "are those chocolates?" "how did you get here?" "i stowed away... in kate's suitcase." "oh, no." "now i'll have your hair all over my clothes." "take it easy." "your clothes are hair free and... hanging neatly in the closet back home." "what am i supposed to wear here?" "well, i love what you've got on now;" "perfect for every occasion." "alf, we trusted you to stay out of trouble." "i trusted you to get my toaster, but i don't see it anywhere;" "let alone, hear it." "but the fact is, i felt neglected." "i'm a member of this family, too, you know." "i just wanted to be with the people i love, and get that toaster." "[ knocking at door ] [trevor] hey, tanner, guess what?" "[ trevor ] we have adjoining rooms." "[trevor] hey, open up." "can't we shake this guy?" "brian, hide alf in the bedroom." "all right, but don't start that slide show without me." "[ door bangs ] dad, what are you doing up so early?" "i'm sorry." "i never got to sleep." "i spent the whole night listening to... the ochmoneks snore." "they both snore?" "in a pattern... like a conversation." "didn't you hear it?" "i just thought it was the ice machine." "alf?" "where's alf?" "i thought he was in with you." "kate!" "what's wrong?" "i can't find alf." "i'm right here." "willie, what's wrong?" "where were you?" "out catching catfish." "somebody could have seen you." "no way!" "this place is a morgue before dawn." "i wanted to surprise you guys by... serving catfish in bed." "[knockingat door] [trevor] hey, tanner, rise and shine." "bedroom." "bathroom. gotta clean the fish." "come on, b." "oh, morning, trevor." "good, you're already up." "[ alf ] hey, we've got a bidet!" "it's brian." "in the morning his voice is a lot lower." "[ electric shaver ] sounds like he's shaving." "ah, yeah, i won't allow him to have a mustache." "that's good." "you've got to take a stand." "listen, since we're up already, why not go for a pony ride?" "no, thanks, trevor." "we're just going to stay here." "yes, it's such a great room, we don't want to waste it by going out." "but you gotta go out." "you gotta go to the big sales presentation." "it's mandatory for everybody." "all of us?" "away from this room?" "at the same time?" "yeah, what the heck, get crazy." "[ door closes ] alf, he's gone." "[ brian ] he's busy scaling catfish." "catfish don't have scales." "then i won't be needing your shaver anymore." "neither will i." "nice dress, mom." "yeah, kate, you look real sexy in that." "well, anyone would look good in this." "trevor, you're not supposed to eat shellfish." "you'll have an allergic reaction." "it's safer than the mexican food tanner's eating." "huh, tanner?" "what?" "oh, i'm sorry. i was worrying about... whether our room... would be all right, all alone." "our room will be fine, dad." "it has a toaster to keep it company." "[ talking toaster ] toast." "hah!" "hah!" "[ toaster ] toast." "[ toaster ] toast." "[ toaster ] toast down." "hello, room service, send another bag of bread to room 13." "yeah, leave it outside the door again." "[ toaster ] toasting." "quiet, i'm on the phone." "oh, hey, and bring some tartar sauce." "thanks." "now let's see what you can do... with catfish." "oh, hot!" "your daughter is a terrific tennis player." "honey, if you lived up here you could play every day." "yeah." "why don't you tell your dad... how much you'd like to live here." "no." "go on, tell him." "no!" "tell him!" "no!" "mr. loman-- settle down, folks, we'll begin the sales presentation... in just a minute." "that's why we're here, right?" "of course, there are some people who... keep coming back for the free room and shellfish." "last chance for seconds." "trevor, you said you were only going back for salad." "i did. it's underneath the shrimp." "hey, tanner, you didn't eat a thing." "you still worried about your room?" "no." "willie, was that-- yes, it was!" "ohhhhhhhhhh!" "i warned him about that mexican food." "i tell you, tanner, i thought only rock stars got kicked out of hotels." "i can't imagine what caused... that toaster to short circuit, but i'm going to find out." "it sure stunk up the place." "it smelled of burned fish all the way to the lobby." "by the way, how's that smell back in the cargo section?" "i, for one, miss the pigs." "i'm sorry." "i meant to hose down the jackals." "hey, raquel, i feel a little woozy." "get me a bromo, will ya?" "i warned you about that shellfish, trevor." "just get it, all right?" "i'll get it, in a second." "i have to put ointment on my shoulders." "that hotel ought to warn their guests about the sun." "quite possibly, the worst weekend... of our entire lives." "you haven't stopped complaining... since i burned down that room." "you, back with the jackals!" "they're hyenas, and i don't like them." "they're jackals." "then, why are they laughing at me?" "lieutenant mcintosh, give me the coordinates." "we're almost over enemy territory." "what enemy territory?" "what enemy territory?" "what do you think that is?" "the mississippi river?" "those are the bridges of toko ri." "trevor!" "trevor!" "snap out of it, trevor." "the war is over." "boy, i did overdo the shellfish." "willie, what's wrong?" "i'm not sure." "trevor, how serious is this allergy?" "it's nothing." "listen, would you switch on the auto pilot." "where is it?" "it's right down there." "thanks." "i'm going to get up... and move around a little, stretch for a minute... so i don't pass out." "ah!" "oh!" "trevor!" "trevor, trevor!" "trevor, say something." "oh, good, the u.s.o." "is he okay?" "my gosh, what are we going to do?" "who's going to fly the plane?" "dad, you fly it." "relax everybody." "nobody is going to fly this plane." "ah, dad-- i'll fly it." "you-- we have an emergency." "i'm the logical choice." "oh, by the way, you were right." "they are not hyenas, but they are laughing." "alf can fly a plane?" "oh, he can't even work the toaster." "well, he did fly a spaceship." "yeah, how different can it be?" "what does this do?" "[ engine roars ] i see." "[ raquel ] trevor, stop fooling around." "oh, my gosh, raquel!" "[ raquel ] this door is stuck." "[ raquel ] somebody help me." "oh, oh, she'll see alf." "help me block the door." "help is on the way, raquel." "brian, sit down and fasten your seat belt." "[ raquel ] what's blocking the door?" "um, a hyena." "did he figure it out?" "can you fly it?" "i think so." "i need to see an owner's manual." "there's not an owner's manual." "then i can't fly it." "the laws of aerodynamics are... the same everywhere in the universe." "yeah, that's right." "what are they?" "we're headed straight for that mountain." "alf, do something!" "quick!" "all right, all right!" "easy, easy, up, up, up... and over." "yeah!" "this flying's a piece of cake." "a piece of cake?" "that was a piece of luck." "luck?" "ha!" "check this out." "oops!" "ha, i gotta hand it to you, tanner." "you did a great job bringing in that plane." "but the next time, you might mention to the airport... that you plan to land." "i'll keep that in mind." "thank you so much for the dress." "i don't know what i would have done without it." "what a lovely weekend." "we must do it again, sometime." "okay. but only if we get the jackals." "come on, baby, speak to the ol' alfer." "[ alf ] are they gone?" "yes." "oh, good." "then we can pick up where we left off." "i believe you were thanking me... for saving your lives." "no, i believe we had already thanked you... several times." "well, you can thank me again." "no." "please." "all right, thank you, alf, we never could have made it back without you." "you're the best alien that any family-- [ toaster ] toast up!" "hold that thought, will you, willie?" "my catfish are ready." "closed captioned by captions, inc., los angeles" "captions copyrighted by alien productions." "all rights reserved."