"People whose lives are strongly influenced by their emotions suffer more intensely from depressions in these years." "To a lesser degree, this is also true of years with 13 new moons." "When a moon year also has 13 new moons inescapable personal tragedies may occur." "In the 20th century, this dangerous constellation occurs six times." "One of these is 1978;" "before that, 1908, 1929, 1943 and 1957." "1992 will also be a year in which many people's lives are threatened." "Volker spengler as elvira weisshaupt in in a year with 13 moons" "what's up here?" "He's not a john." "He's a woman, he says." "Stop it!" "With the collaboration of" "men hover 'round me like moths 'round a flame and when they get burnt good that no one knows my game rumpelstiltskin is my name on the volga's banks a soldier stands keeping watch for his fatherland" "standing on the battlements, looking down with pleasure on... elvira?" "I didn't know you'd be here." "It's been six weeks six weeks!" "That's 42 days... or 1008 hours." "I can count for myself." "Is that all that occurs to you?" "No, of course not." "How stupid of me!" "I'm so sorry." "I bet you mean my... my outfit." "You're probably wondering... why i'm... you're drunk again." "Drunk?" "No, darling." "I'm not drunk." "On the contrary... i'm just lonely." "Yes, i'm lonely, and i... stop screaming!" "When you're in the wrong you always start screaming." "Me, in the wrong?" "You, of all people, accuse me?" "No, my friend, i am not in the wrong." "You left me in the lurch." "I've been sitting here for weeks, till i felt quite claustrophobic, staring at the phone... till i could hardly see anymore, till my brain went numb." "No, the only thing i did wrong was to yearn" "for someone to caress me and kiss me." "Caress you?" "Kiss you?" "You have nothing but jam in your head." "Caress you?" "Don't make me laugh!" "Look at yourself in the mirror!" "Don't, christoph!" "Look at yourself in the mirror!" "Christoph, please, please." "I'm scared." "What are you scared of?" "Of you." "Today, you're so... you know what you're afraid of?" "Your own ugly mug." "Look at yourself in the mirror!" "I'm afraid... open your eyes." "Christoph, please... look at yourself, elvira." "Look, or i'll smash your teeth in." "Look at yourself." "Do you see now why i don't come home anymore?" "I see myself loving you." "So that's why you drink and get fatter and fatter till your face revolts me like a contagious disease, like leprosy." "I never wanted to hurt you." "Ugh!" "You're not even funny." "You're just repulsive." "You're a fat, revolting, superfluous lump of meat." "And you know why?" "Because you have no will of your own no initiative, no brain." "You've no imagination." " You're not interested in anything." " That's not true." "I've always searched for something like a soul." "Something like you doesn't have a soul." "You're just a thing, an object completely superfluous." "Nobody would notice if you ceased to exist." "Splat!" "And gone!" "Somebody should step on you and squash you like a bug." "Christoph, stop it!" "Help!" "You're hurting me." "Stop screaming!" "Do you want the whole building to hear?" "This is my apartment, christoph, and i can do what i like in it." " So it's your apartment, is it?" " Yes, my apartment." "Mine, mine, mine!" "Okay, have it your way, elvira." "It had to happen sooner or later." "God knows rather sooner than later." "What's the matter?" "Say something." "Nothing." "I'm packing." "Packing?" "But you've only just come home." "If this is your apartment, i can't have come home." "I must be at the wrong address." "Sorry." "You know i didn't mean it like that." "You know how i really feel." "That's the thanks i get for trying so hard all these years." "I just couldn't get it into my head you're not a real woman... you said you loved me and you knew about it long before you said that." "No one could know what would happen to you that you'd become such a mess that you'd turn out to be more than just a man big and blubbery like a walrus that your brain would grow emptier and emptier" "and shrink to a spongy mass of nothing." "Don't talk like that, christoph." "Not like that." "I'm so afraid you'll ruin everything everything." "Oh no, elvira." "Stop kidding yourself!" "There's nothing left to ruin." "It's been going on a long time." "I feel like throwing up when i touch you." "I feel so nauseated i'd rather spend the weekend in an empty hotel than come home to you." "You don't mean what you say." "Beat it!" "Let me finish packing!" "Leave me alone!" "Once and for all!" " Go brush your teeth, for all i care." " You've been lonely in life, too." " Now you behave as if..." " well?" "Did i ever deny it?" "Did i?" "No." "On the contrary." "But i didn't let myself go." "Of course not." "You never had to." "I was always there for you." "Do you want me to spend my life groveling on my knees before you?" "No one asked you to do that." "No, but you behave as if i had to pay off some huge debt." "My god, you're so unfair." "I never said anything like that." "I never even thought it." "You don't think." "You've nothing but jam in your head." " You said that before." " I know, because it's true." "Jam." "It sticks your eyelids together." "It's rancid and it stinks." "It smells of putrefaction when you're around of decay and death." "That's why you need alcohol." "What have i done to you that you have to hurt me like this?" "What have i done?" "Is it because i was the one who helped you recover your self-respect?" "Think what you like." "Do what you like." "I couldn't care less." "I'm leaving." "Understand?" "And this time for good." "Out of my way." "I couldn't care less what becomes of you." "Christoph!" "Leave me in peace!" "Christoph, do what you like, anything." "But don't leave me!" "Wait, christoph!" "Let's talk it over!" "Just one more time!" " See you friday?" " Okay." "What do you want?" "Please don't go." "Out of my way, or i'll run you down!" "Beat it!" "Two coffees, two brandies, please." "What was that all about?" "Because i put on men's clothes and went down to the river." "To the river main, and?" "I wanted to buy myself a boy." "Is that so terrible?" "It's not terrible at all, but... why did you wear men's clothes?" "I'm not so ashamed to pay for it with men's clothes on as i am when i wear women's clothes, as i have sometimes." "Maybe it's stupid." "It's just a feeling i have." "When i pay for it as a woman i feel so terribly ashamed." " You understand?" " Sure, i understand." "It wasn't the first time i've done it in men's clothes, but last night they beat me up." "Still, it's better than those stupid grins." "Last week i tried to get a job in my old trade." " In men's clothes?" " Naturally." " What is your trade?" " I used to be a slaughterer." "But hardly anyone knows that now." "Slaughtering real animals?" "Yes, that's what i trained to do." "But they just laughed when i asked." "They looked at my boobs, made fun of me and kicked me out." "Nobody realizes how important it is for me to get a job again." "Doing something i was trained to do." "But slaughtering animals." "It's acting against life." "No it's not." "It's life itself:" "The steaming blood, and death." "That's what gives an animal's life meaning." "And the smell when they know they're going to die and know that it's beautiful, and wait for it." "Solitary and beautiful." "When i was young i felt the same disgust as you." "Today i understand the world better." "Come on, i'll show you, zora." "You'll smell it, see them die, hear their cries... cries for deliverance." "I really wanted to be a goldsmith, but couldn't get an apprenticeship." "Only as a butcher." "It was easier to find a place in a butcher shop." "In the end, i was satisfied." "The butcher had a daughter of my age." "Her name was irene." "She finished school as i finished my training." "We wanted to live our own lives." "Her dad treated us like his property." "We liked each other a lot." "You couldn't call it love, perhaps." "But we felt something for each other and got married." "Soon after, irene had the baby." "Our little treasure, our marie-ann." "Irene's dad couldn't do anything then." "Irene stuck by me, even after i returned from casablanca." "She never asked for a divorce, on account of the child although she's a lot smarter than me." "She became a teacher." "And her life is much more valuable than mine." "Christoph was an actor when i met him." "Seven years he was in the theater." "Usually actors move on to bigger and bigger cities." "But with him it was the opposite." "The towns became smaller and smaller." "In the end, nobody wanted him, and that made him sad." "He was so depressed he wanted to die when i found him." "I talked the hind leg off a donkey to help him." "The best thing was rehearsing roles with him." "I'd take one part and he the other." "I would say:" "And when our gaze lights on a monstrous deed the soul stands still the while." "And christoph would say:" "So in the end, i face my banishment disowned, exiled and but a beggar here." "With laurel they have crowned me to lead me to an altar, like a sacrificial beast." "So, on the final day, they lured from me my poem, which was my sole possession gained it with flattery and held it fast." "Now my only wealth is in your hands which was my commendation to the world:" "All that remained to save me from starvation." "Now i perceive why i should celebrate:" "That i may not perfect the song i write, and that my name should not be spread abroad that in their envy, my detractors find a thousand faults, and i should be forgotten." "Hence i should yield myself to idleness sparing myself and all my senses, too." "How willingly we do deceive ourselves and honor the corrupt who honor us." "Then i'd say, i'll not abandon you in your distress." "And christoph:" "Grant... o grant me for a moment the present back again!" "And though a man be silenced by his pain a god gave me the power to say how much i suffer." "I took great pains, but in the end he had to admit he didn't have what it takes." "At least i helped him retain his chance of survival." "At first, he was as if paralyzed." "It went on for years, this grieving apathy before he finally made up his mind to be the way he'd learned a man should be:" "Active, decisive, independent, apparently." "All that time he lived off me, and he wasn't ashamed of it." "That was important for me." "Believe me, zora." "He wasn't the type to be a pimp even though our money came from other men with whom i slept." "At first he used to ask me about them." "How they were, what they said... whether they were tender and loving whether they had special wishes what their bodies were like, especially their dicks." "Whether they were big, bigger than his." "That was strangely important." "As if the size of a cock were a problem for him." "But as time went by, his interest in this faded." "He found a new interest of a fundamental kind:" "How to earn a living as a man." "Finally he decided to go into investment consulting, a kind of poor man's stockbroker selling shares in car washes and so on." "He changed his job a lot." "Nothing was very reputable but he earned enough money for me not to have to work the game." "He wanted to provide for me." "I just gave him a start." "I bought the apartment and furnished it." "But i've been living off him the past few years." "He wants to make me happy that way." "I know he does." "Christoph." "Elvira!" "Can't you hear?" "Why don't you open the door?" " Christoph?" " It's me." "Irene." "I've been ringing like mad, but you didn't open." " Have you been taking pills again?" " Not at all." "I have such a headache." " Too much to drink?" " Hardly anything." "Now i remember." "This morning... christoph." "He packed all his things and left." "For good, he said." "Don't worry, dear." "His books are still here." "That's right." "It's always the same prattle." "Backwards and forwards." "And i fall for it every time." "I get all upset and he just laughs up his sleeve." "Aren't you teaching today?" "School's over." "It's afternoon now." " Really?" " Yes." "What did you fight about this time?" "About." "Oh, you know... it's always the same." "Nothing at all, really." "Really?" "Don't you believe me?" "Shouldn't i believe you?" " Why shouldn't you?" " Why do you think?" "I don't understand you, irene." " No?" " No." "And why didn't you tell me... about this interview you gave?" " Why are you yelling at me?" "Don't always change the subject." "I asked you a question." " Why did..." " is the interview in the paper?" "Show me." "Wonderful." "Have you seen the picture?" "A real photo of me in a real newspaper." "Why didn't you tell me about the interview, you idiot?" "Why are you screaming at me?" "I'm screaming because you're crazy and have nothing in your head but painting your face." "All people ever do is scream at me and try to hurt me." "Erwin, have you read what you said?" " About anton?" " About anton!" "Why should i read it?" "I know what i know about him." "And it's the truth, so why shouldn't i say it's the truth?" "You can't tell people everything, even if it is the truth." "But... do you realize how powerful anton saitz is now?" "Have you any idea?" "Are you really aware of what you said about a man who has so much power?" "Do you know what he'll do?" "He'll crush you like an insect." " Swat you like an annoying little fly." " Nonsense, irene!" "It's not nonsense, elvira." "That man's interfered enough in your life." "He's destroyed whatever he could." " What do you mean?" " What do i mean!" "First, that jail term, and then that trip to casablanca." "That wasn't his fault." "Like hell it wasn't!" "Okay... but he'd never do me any harm." "Never." "All right." "Maybe he'll leave you in peace but he'll find some way to take his revenge." "He has to." "And if he decides to take his revenge by destroying your..." "our daughter?" "Marie-ann?" "What does it have to do with her?" "The man's not wicked, believe me." "Our child has suffered enough." " She has a right to her own life." " It's all right, darling." "Don't cry." "Don't cry." "I'm scared, erwin." "All day i was afraid for our girl." "And now this interview." "I'm so terribly scared." "You're trembling... trembling as if you had a fever." "Are you sick?" "I'm not sick, erwin." "I'm just scared." "Okay i'll see what i can do." "I'll go to him and ask him to forgive me." "Feel better now?" "Much better." "Only if you really do it and only if it helps." " You want something?" " I, er... keep staring at me and i'll carve you into little pieces." "Beat it, you stupid cow!" "Baby dear, what are you doing?" "You should be in bed." "Irene woke me up." "Did he turn up?" "Don't cry." "I'm not." "What's the matter, then?" "I sat down here, and it just came over me." "Don't worry." "You know what i do when i'm feeling down?" "I go to soul frieda." " Who's that?" " Come on." "I'll show you." "Do you like him?" "That's one of the guys who beat me up last night." "I like him anyway." "Once i dreamed i was walking in a cemetery and suddenly i noticed something strange." "The inscriptions on the graves were not like those i knew." "Usually you see "born 1918, died 1968"" "or "born 1927, died 1975"" "but the dates on these graves read:" "1970-72, or 1965-66, or 1954-57." "No one here seemed to have been older than a couple of years." "Some were even younger." "Some were just a few days old:" ""February 18 to march 11", or "may 19 to june 5", others only a few hours." "While i'm trying to figure out why this cemetery is so strange i suddenly see a very old man in front of me." "He's the gardener." "I ask him, how he became so old when everyone else there died so young." "He laughs, shakes his head and says" ""no." "You're mistaken."" ""The dates are not the duration of people's lives"" ""but the time they had a true friend."" "What a sad dream." "A very sad dream." "Yes, zora, it's a very sad dream." "Maybe i didn't dream it after all." "Maybe i heard it or read it somewhere." "What does it matter?" " What's the weather like outside?" " I beg your pardon." "What's the weather like?" "Is it raining or is it not raining?" "Is the sun shining or is the sun not shining?" "I haven't been outside in months." "But believe me, you know nothing." "No one falls for the fairy tale that there's a "real life" in a "real world"" "and that "real life" is more important than loving." "What does it matter?" "I know we don't really have a chance whatever might have become of us if we'd had the chance." " Oh, won't you sit down?" " Why, i...?" "You look so lost and unhappy standing there like that." "Maybe she really is unhappy." "Maybe she is." "Maybe she is unhappy." "She's very lonely." "Everybody's lonely." "That's how it should be." "If you're sad, you have no time to think." "Elvira was a very beautiful woman after she had her operation." " Cancer?" " No." "Not an illness." "She just had everything cut off down there." "That can't be the reason she's unhappy." "She was probably always a woman deep down inside." "No, she wasn't." "That's the trouble." "She just did it without any real reason without any psychological motives." "I don't think she was even gay." "Am i right, baby?" "You weren't gay when you went to casablanca?" "No, that's why it was so terrible at first." "I had to exist." "When men felt me up in the bars where i was a hostess." "What else could i have done?" "I was alive, and i had to go on living." "I felt ashamed with every one of them." "And the trouble is, when they notice you're ashamed they do it all the more touching you up and so forth." "I like it when men feel me up." "They're so awkward when they try to be tender that it's kind of nice, too." "Anyway all men are lovely." "Him and him and him." "And especially if they have a dick that hasn't shrivelled up." "More and more men can't get it up anymore." "It's like an epidemic." " Would you like a drink?" " Yes, please." "It took quite a few years, and it cost me a great effort." "But i managed it even if it was hard." "I had to learn how men smell, and not to think that they stank and be nauseated by it." "What, in expressive terms, i regard as my body if i can be aware of it in another form, is in fact my will." "Or, my body is the objectivization of my will." "Or, apart from it being a concept of my imagination my body is merely my will." "One day i woke up with pains in my back." "I didn't worry about them and the pains went away." "But they came back again, worse than before and were even worse the next time." "One day i woke up and couldn't move." "I lay there paralyzed." "They said it was rheumatism said they could do nothing about it because it was all psychosomatic." "Maybe... that was all." "Just now you were talking about having a chance." "If a person is paralyzed suddenly, overnight and not alone that" "you can't just leave him lying there alone before he's stopped breathing." "On the contrary, it's quite normal for people to stop breathing without anyone noticing." "And hardly anyone gets the kind of chance i mean." "Take me." "I spent eight years in a loony bin." "Eight years, ma'am as a madman among madmen." "And what happened?" "They straightened me out so that i don't behave so oddly and frighten little kids." "But the one thing that might have helped... forget it." "Nothing doing." ""Sorry, we can't recommend psychoanalysis in your case..." ""because you're an orphan, mr." "Miller."" " Are you okay?" " Yes." "But my greatest fear is that, one day, i'll find words... to express my feelings." "For when i do... is that her?" "I don't know." "Can't you remember anything?" "Let's go, zora." "I'm afraid." "Afraid?" " Of what?" " Of... that's just it." "I can't find words that make sense." "It's as if my head were full of clogged-up pipes." "Let's go, zora." "Let's get out of here." "Baby... we came here specially." "It was your idea." "You wanted to find out about your past." "Be sensible... and have a tiny little bit of faith in yourself." "We all have to." "Maybe." "Not maybe." "For sure." "Just look at the walls you were behind for 14 years." "It's a... building with very thick walls, isn't it?" "The nun over there... be careful!" "Is that her?" "Could be... i'm not sure." "Then i'll go ask her." "Excuse me." "Are you sister gudrun?" "Yes, i'm sister gudrun." "Can i help you?" "No, not me." "But there's somebody outside that you once knew." "He could do with some help maybe." "Please." "Elvira... this is sister gudrun." "Hello, sister gudrun." "I'm... i'm erwin weisshaupt." "Do you... remember me?" "Erwin weisshaupt?" "I remember a boy by that name, yes." "I've ruined my life, sister." "My own life." "Nobody ruins his own life." "It's the order man creates for himself that's his downfall." "And god?" "God can't be that cruel." "Rather he doesn't exist." "Little erwin." "I remember you." "I remember you very well." "I tried to give you my love." "You're unhappy?" "Yes." "Elvira came to ask about her childhood." "She has no memories of it and misses them." "Do you really believe you need to remember it?" "You really think so?" "Yes, i do." "Maybe you're right." "Sometime during the last war anita weisshaupt secretly gave birth to a son." "Shortly afterwards, she brought her baby here to the orphanage and gave it for adoption." "The child was christened erwin and all the sisters loved him." "He was a quiet child which they found agreeable, so they said he was a good boy." "Even in the worst days after the war they made sure that the child always had enough to eat." "Rather too much than too little." "In return, the sisters expected him to love them." "Each one individually and each one most." "The child was, therefore, forced to learn to lie... for he soon found out that, the more he told the nuns what they wanted to hear, the better he was treated." "He mastered this system of rewarded lies so well that no one noticed how the quiet child turned into a sad one." "Erwin was a gifted pupil at school." "Learning was no great effort for him." "But after 18 months many things changed for him." "A couple who wanted to adopt a child grew attached to him." "They invited him to their home and occupied themselves with him." "It was like heaven on earth for him." "Then, after long deliberation they applied to adopt erwin." "They showed trust and patience for him and love as well." "He was as quiet as ever." "But inwardly he was overjoyed." "There were no words to describe this feeling, the trembling of a soul about to fulfill a sacred yearning." "As a matter of form, his mother was asked to confirm her decision to release erwin for adoption." "I went to see anita weisshaupt." "The moment she opened the door i saw a strange fear in her eyes." "And when i spoke of erwin her expression of fear intensified." "I realized she had managed to forget her own child." "And i knew how terrible that must have been for her." "She drew me into a room and shut the door behind us." "The apartment rang with the cries of children." "Her husband had returned from captivity though she had heard nothing from him in years." "In the meantime, she had had three more children by him." "But still he treated her badly and she lived in fear of him." "She was trembling and pale and a terrible thought occurred to me." "Had she been married to this man when she gave birth to erwin?" "When i asked her, the look of terror in her eyes was so great i thought her head would burst." "She clutched at her heart as she nodded "yes"" "sensing rather than knowing the true import of her answer and the fundamental nature of the lie she had been living." "It meant that erwin whoever his father may have been had been born in wedlock and was a legitimate child who could not be adopted without the husband's consent." "Anita took a deep breath closed her eyes, shook her head and said in a voice so painfully clear and final that my heart sank." "No, she would not allow the child to be adopted since she did not want her husband ever to know of its existence." "She actually used the words" ""that child" and "my husband"." "There was nothing more one could do to help her." "From then on, the young couple stopped coming to see erwin and he was never invited to their home again." "He waited for weeks without ever asking why probably fearing what the answer might be." "His yearning was so great that hope lingered longer than reason would allow." "So long, in fact, that it began to smoulder in his head." "Erwin was seized by a fever that no doctor could cure." "They said the child would die unless some miracle occurred." "Whatever it was, the miracle came about." "The fever vanished, as it had appeared, without apparent reason." "But the consuming fire continued to burn within him." "Erwin became a different person." "Nothing interested him anymore." "His whole being changed." "He began to steal things things he could have had anyway." "And he became unaccountable no longer predictable for the nuns." "And in the same unthinking way as they had thought they loved him, they now began to fear the child." "In the end, they hated him." "For years, erwin lived in a kind of hell made worse by the fact that he was despised for having learned to survive in this hell and even savor its horrors." "Sister mathilda!" "Sister francisca!" "You can help, too." "It's all right now." "You may go." "Take him home and make sure he does himself no harm." "And one fine summer evening an old woman came to their cottage carrying a heavy load of firewood." "And she asked the mother whether her children could help her carry the wood into the forest." "The mother said a prayer for she didn't trust the old woman and the children had always been forbidden to go into the woods." "So the old woman put a curse on the cottage and its occupants." "Because i love you... sleep, baby." "Go on, zora and i'll fall asleep." "Please, please go on." "One day... the parents went to market in the town." "Again they forbade the children under threat of punishment, to go into the forest." "But as life will have it no sooner had the parents disappeared over the horizon" "when magic powers drew the children into the woods powers that were stronger than any threat of punishment." "They came to a clearing and there before them stood the old woman." "The children turned in fear to flee from the old witch" "but she cackled hideously and uttered a magic spell and the children froze in their tracks." "She cackled again and transformed the little boy into a mushroom and his sister into a snail." "Soon night fell and the children were afraid of what their parents would say." "Then the little girl, the snail told her brother she was hungry." "And he, the mushroom allowed her to eat of him." "So she bit a little piece off the mushroom" "and her brother cried," ""you've bitten off my right ear!"" "His sister wept and had a guilty conscience." "But soon she was hungry again and he let her eat a little more." "And he said," ""sister, this time you bit off my left foot."" "Hands up, christoph!" "Cut it out, elvira!" "We've no time for games like that." "We must go." "Come on!" "How often have i tried to get you a job in movies?" "But no, you're not interested." "Do you know what you are?" "You're a lard-ass!" "How many women have i met since i've been with you?" "I don't know why i stay with you." "Out of pity." "What else?" "You've clung to me like a leech for six years." "No initiative." "No will of your own." "I'm wasting my life with you." "Gen. Augusto pinochet commander-in-chief of the military, and president of chile... since he rose to power in 1973." "Since then, chile has been transformed, his supporters say from a state of chaos to one of order and discipline." " Don't you have a key?" " Lf you lock it from the inside!" "God!" "What's up here?" "Tell me where you've come from..." "and on foot." "I told them to drop me at the railroad crossing." "I never know with you." " At 5 o'clock in the morning." " Why not?" "With the baker's daughter?" "That's none of your business, jean." "To interpret it as part of a childhood that one can't regard as a childhood in the normal sense." "There are quite different i'm here to tell you it's all over between us." "You said so yourself before i left." "I know exactly what i'm doing." " You know exactly?" " Yes." "What are you waiting for then?" "Beat it!" "Jean, that's enough, okay?" "I'm exhausted." "And i have to get up again." "Are you crazy?" "Are you out of your mind?" "Every morning, the prisoners sang the national anthem." ""Beloved fatherland, you'll be either the grave of liberty" ""or a refuge for the oppressed."" "What are you standing around for?" " You can't keep doing this to me." " It's none of your business." "If you'd stayed up there, you wouldn't know what i was doing." "Do you really believe that?" "That's the least... i'll leave when it suits me." "Why don't you go to sleep?" "The light's on half the night up there." "Because i can't." "I'm scared alone." "When my parents divorced i was six." "I went to live with my mother, and i had to learn to relate to one particular person." "Do you fear failing in your private relationships?" "What do you mean "fear"?" "I'm always failing." "Less prominent supporters of allende became the victims of the newly formed secret police, the dinah." "Often a simple arrest would end in death." "I want my freedom again." "I want... i want to go out on saturday and sunday." "I don't want you visiting my parents anymore." "I hope, through my stories to change myself, as far as it lies within my power." "But change is a strange thing." "We change ourselves much more slowly than we think." "Oh no!" "What do you want now?" "You're always at my heels." "In december 1977, general pinochet held a plebiscite." "The question addressed to chileans was:" ""Are you prepared, in view of international aggression against..." ""the government of your fatherland..." ""to support gen." "Pinochet in defending the honor of chile?"" "The government equated a "no" vote practically with high treason." "I don't want to see you anymore." "Understand?" "I'm fed up with you and your stupid movies." "Get out of my life!" "Have i done anything to you?" "What have you been doing to me for six years?" "Because i love you." "I don't love you anymore." "It's all over." "You mean nothing to me now." "I'm looking for the key." "I'm going." "Because i love you." "What drives you to make so many pictures?" "It must be a special kind of insanity." "Life seemed dreadful, but i still found myself interesting." "Now it's the other way round." "I know that life's wonderful, but that i'm excluded from it." "You were lucky." "You were loved." "Francoise loved you." "I loved you." "Many more women will love you." " You really loved me?" " Oh yes." "In my private life, everything could change this evening." "I hope it may." "If nothing were to happen... if i don't meet someone tonight or tomorrow or the day after... everything will go on as it is." "I won't force myself to change it." "Nor would i force myself to keep it the same." "The general missed no opportunity to express his contempt for parliamentary democracy:" ""Chile needs neither politicians nor political parties." ""It needs chileans, and a chilean to lead them forward."" "a beer and a shot of bitters." " You know i stand here every day?" " No." "How could you?" "But it's true." "Every day from ten in the morning to six at night for 17 months." "Isn't that remarkable?" "Believe me, it is remarkable." "I looked up at the 16th floor 8 hours a day, 5 days a week for a year and five months." " Does that surprise you?" " No." "I knew it would." "It surprises everyone." "The idea's compelling." "You must listen when i talk to you!" " But i..." " nothing but excuses." "I know." "Did you know... the owner has his office on the 16th floor?" " No." " There you are." "Believe me, he does." "He owns the whole building." "Saitz is his name." "First name's anton." "Saitz... with an "ai"." "He hates it when people spell his name wrong." "I know that... but you don't know how i know." "You don't know much at all." "But i'll tell you... although i don't know why i should tell you." "I used to work for this guy saitz." "Until 17 months ago... i worked for him." "Till 17 months ago." "Then he threw me out." "Overnight." "Since then i've been standing here, looking up there... from 10 till 6." "Can you guess why he fired me?" " I don't think so." " I couldn't either." "It's so weird, nobody would ever guess." "I have cancer." "It's true, kidney cancer." "Believe me." "And saitz can't stand having sick people around him." "He can afford to indulge his whims." "He can afford anything he wants." "Don't you believe what i'm saying?" "You can believe me." "There are plenty of tales about him:" "How he got the money to build blocks like that." "All the pieces of the puzzle fit together." "It all started when he was in a concentration camp." "He was just a kid then, but he survived the war with his head full of a dream called america." "His journey to the new world ended in the frankfurt station area where he made his first pile with small-time racketeering in the "meat" trade, i'm told." "The details seem to have been forgotten." " Meat trading?" " That's right." " Forgotten?" " Because it's not important." "Some people look at it that way." "Others want nothing to do with it." "And suddenly you're interested in unimportant details." "But that's not uncommon." "In my story, this guy... anton saitz, with an "ai"" "invested his ill-gotten gains in a whorehouse which he soon takes over completely and runs with an iron hand in the way he'd learned in the concentration camp." "A brothel run on the lines of a concentration camp." "The whole set-up functions perfectly." "Saitz gets richer and richer, earns so much money... that he can buy his first building, an old place, which he tears down." "He builds a new one." "He's on his way up... to the 16th story of this building from where he rules many people and many things." "Thank you." "You have cut me to the quick." "Don't forget..." "saitz with "ai"" "16th floor." "Everything okay?" "Sorry." "Could you give me a light, please?" "I'm sitting around here and don't know where to get a light." "Otherwise, just pretend i'm not here... thanks." " Would you like one?" " No, thanks." "Are you going to hang yourself?" "Naturally." "Do you mind?" "Does this building belong to you?" "No, i just wanted to eat here." "Would you like something to eat?" "I have some bread and cheese and a bottle of red wine with me but no corkscrew." "Give me the bottle." "I'll open it." "Thanks." "It's an old story with the red wine and the french bread and cheese almost a bit sentimental when i think about it." "But what would life be without sentiment?" "Pretty sad, i'd say." "It all started with cheese." "Meat nauseated anton." "We were in meat trading at the time." "Anton couldn't stand the smell of dead animals because of the blood in particular." "He stopped eating meat overnight." "That's how it all started." "It's as simple as that, you see?" "Is the wine good?" "Fine, thanks." "Why... i mean, why?" " Why i want to hang myself?" " Yes." "I don't want to let things go on being real because i perceive them." "What things?" "Feelings, for instance, or pictures, letters, memories rocks, laid and forgotten at the moment of death, in an awareness of pain the universe, solaris..." "the world of viruses..." " things in general, you understand?" " No... that's exactly what i mean:" "Your negation as an example of the seemingly effective principle of the power to negate." "Maybe you're right." "But that doesn't change things for me." "I tried to put an end to my life once, too because it just caused me pain and revolted me" "made me feel deep down inside an incurable loathing of myself." "I'd just come back from casablanca." "A certain person had forced me into oblivion someone who merely had to smile his smile once too often." "By pure chance, believe it or not however incredible it may sound my life was saved." "My ego was forced to learn to put up with me to bear the unbearable." "If you want to know the moral worth of people as a whole and in general just look at their fate as a whole and in general:" "Nothing but shortcomings, misery, anguish, death." "There is an eternal justice and were they not so worthless, in general their fate would not, in general, be so sad." "We can, therefore, say:" "The world itself is the day of judgement." "But it would be a great misunderstanding to see that as a negation of the will to live to see suicide as an act of negation." "Far from it:" "The negation of the will to exist is a bold affirmation of the will since negation means renouncing not life's sufferings but its joys." "The suicide wants life and simply rejects the conditions under which he experiences it." "The suicide does not renounce the will to live; he renounces life by destroying the manifestation of his own life." "I think you'd better do it now." "I don't mind if you watch." "Excuse me, i... can't you hear me?" "Hey, listen!" "You almost scared the life out of me." "Why didn't you say anything?" "The old trick, eh?" "Trying to make me think i'm hard of hearing." "Here!" "Did my husband send you?" "All he has in his head are my ears." "No." "I don't even know your husband." "It's just that... somebody's hanged himself down there." "What was that?" "A man just hanged himself!" "On the floor below!" "You don't have to shout." "It happens every few weeks with so many empty offices." " Oh, in that case..." " precisely." "One other thing:" "I'm... looking for mr." "Saitz's office." "Last door at the end." "Thanks." "You knocked?" "Yes, i'd like to speak to mr." "Anton saitz." "Sorry, ma'am, mr." "Saitz is in conference." "Mr. Saitz is usually in conference." "You understand?" "Yes, of course." "It's just that... it's as if i had sawdust between my ears." "You don't take me seriously, do you?" "I know i cut a ridiculous figure." "Of course i'm ridiculous." "It's just that... i was so wrapped up in myself." "In my mind, you know." "You talk and talk, and think your thoughts and in the end you forget to think." "That's why... for me, at least... it would be... fairly crucial for me to see him." "That's why... but you... excuse me... you... do you know him... personally?" "Anton?" "Why yes, of course." "I know anton saitz." "If you know him... then maybe you know one of the passwords." "Then i could take you to him." "But only if you know one of the passwords." "Passwords?" "I don't know any passwords." "We knew each other a long time ago." "An eternity." "In another life almost." "How funny that sounds:" ""In another life."" "Then i suppose i'd better be going." " I'm sorry, but..." " a password, you said?" "Yes, that's how he screened himself off in the past." " When he opened his whorehouse." " What?" " He opened a whorehouse?" " Of course." "And?" "Jeez!" "Without any "and"?" "My god." "Let me think." "Wait a minute... a thousand times... a thousand..." "no, that's not enough, it was..." ""bergen-belsen."" "That's it!" ""Bergen-belsen."" "Why didn't you say that right away?" "Come in!" "That's code 1a." ""Bergen-belsen" works in every situation." "It's the only password that's never changed." "With "bergen-belsen" you can even disturb him when he's screwing." "That's no joke." "That's usually the worst thing you can do to him." "He's peculiar in that respect." "Doesn't anyone work here anymore?" "No, not for ages now." "That's how it is." "It used to be a madhouse here." "Those were the days!" "We used to buy up old apartment blocks and evict the tenants." "It was damned tough sometimes... believe me... but we managed it." "My god!" "Then we demolished the old rat traps and built new ones" "high-rise mostly." "We sold them for a good profit." "Great, huh?" "Oh, we had our share of troubles, too." "People are envious but the city was on our side." "The police chief's a friend of his." "The mayor, too, in those days and some of the dudes on the city council." "The plan itself wasn't his." "That already existed." "Resolutions and decisions had already been made." "He just did the dirty work for those who made the decisions but who wanted to keep their hands clean and be re-elected." "Power's more important... to them than money, which they allowed others to pocket... like us, for example." " And now?" " I don't know enough about... economic trends, inflation and all that crap." "So i can't really explain what i'm telling you." "But right now, foreclosure seems to be... the business with a big future." "Sounds strange, but as you said the things are done by others and decisions are made at the top for those down below." "And we just execute things that others are interested in." "I certainly didn't say that." "But if you heard it that way." "How long have you known him?" "I told you." "An eternity." "Were you in the business?" "I mean, you mentioned a whorehouse." "No, no." "It wasn't business." "It was... i mean, i... i was in love with him." "In love?" "With anton saitz?" "Does that surprise you?" "Nobody loves anton saitz." "Nobody." "He doesn't want to be loved." "Disappointed?" "No." "Not at all." "On the contrary." "It's just that... laugh at me if you like." "It's just that i... what?" "I... tell me... which one is it?" "Please." " Didn't you just say?" " I know." "It was true." "Go ahead and laugh." "It's funny, i know." "It's your business." "The skinny guy in the tennis outfit." "Anton saitz." "S for salt, a for auschwitz, i for i, t for time, z for zora." " Smolik!" " Here, sir!" " What's been keeping you?" " Sorry, sir." "There was a lady with code 1a." "Bergen-belsen?" "That's right, sir." "Didn't you let her in?" "Sure i did." "Anyone who knows code 1a is in like flynn." "Come in." "So you know code 1a?" "You... won't remember me anymore." "It's been a long time." "I'm erwin." "Sorry... i have an old picture of me." "You really don't remember." "Yes, yes... somehow... there was something with... erwin?" "I'll think of it." "But let's do our dance first." " Turn it on." " Yes, sir!" "It'll come back to me." " Smolik!" " Yes, sir?" "What is this, anyway?" "A girls' boarding school, kid." "What do they all want of me?" "A party to celebrate your arrival." "I don't want a party." "I don't want a party!" "I don't want one." "We're not making any exceptions for you!" "No, no, no." "I want to march in the front now." "You can't march in front." "But i want to!" "Go ahead and march, then!" "Not bad for the beginning." "Erwin." "I'm sorry." "Let's do the finale!" "Quick!" "Elvira." "Now i've got it!" "I didn't have such a good memory." "Hey, you're really splitting your seams." "You're fat." "That comes from drinking." "That doesn't matter." "Most people have grown fat nowadays." "It's great, boys!" "It's mind blowing." "Real meschugge." "She used to be a boy by the name of erwin." "Am i right?" "One fine day he boards a plane, flies to casablanca... and has his dick cut off." "Just like that." "And because of me." "It's true, isn't it?" "What times they were." "And now you're back." "Just like that." "You haven't changed a bit." "Stubborn as a mule." "Cost what it may." "Maybe you're right." "But i came because i gave an interview." "I told them a lot of stories from the past about you." "I don't know why." "It just happened." "Anyway, i thought i had to apologize, and... forget it." "People write so much crap about me." "If i were to get upset every time... my god." "The main thing is they get my name right." "Saitz with "ai"." " That's what's important, isn't it?" " Sure, boss." "That's right." "Shut your trap." "You were the one who made the good coffee like my grandma used to make." "That was you, wasn't it?" "Sure it was you." "Why don't we go to your place, and you can make some coffee?" "Is there no raid today?" "Not today, boss, tomorrow." "How come?" "Only monday, wednesday and friday." "Today's tuesday." "Those were your orders." "I'm sorry." "It's okay." "Get in the car." "You must excuse my place for being in such a mess... oh lord, it can't be true!" "What a laugh!" "What's so funny?" "He bet me you would say that." "About your place being in a mess." "They all do." "Come on, then." "Here, boss. 20 marks." "Braun and kuhlmann can go." "You stay here." "Yes, sir!" "That takes the cake." "I'll go into the kitchen." "Make yourself comfortable." "Big tall stranger." "Hello... strange and beautiful woman." "I almost didn't see you." "Because i'm so small." "Besides, i haven't eaten anything for days and i've shrunk." "Elvira locked me in by mistake." "Glad to meet you." "I'm red zora." "Hello." "I'm anton saitz." "With an "ai"." "Really?" "Then it was because of you that elvira... back then?" "No, it can't be." "Why not?" "Because of you she went to casablanca?" "You wouldn't have thought it of me?" "Sure, but... are you really the guy?" "I reckon so." "Jesus, mary and joseph!" "I've always wanted to meet you, so you could spit on me." "You want me to spit on you?" "Three times, please." "Over my left shoulder, please." "Three times over your?" "Over my left shoulder." "It brings luck." "When a guy like you spits, it brings a girl luck." "I always wanted to know how it was with elvira back then." "We worked together, that's all." "Small-time things, like meat." "There were five of us, with erwin and me." "He used to look at me so strangely, and one day i asked him why." "He said he loved me." "I laughed and said that would be fine... if only he were a girl." "And he laughed as well." "That's all there was." "And then it happened." "That was all." " Are you going out?" " No." "I'm reading kafka's the castle." "Do you like it?" "Of course." "But it's a bit scary." "Irene!" "Marie-ann!" "Daddy!" "Elvira!" "What's up?" "Have you gone crazy?" "Sit down with us, daddy." "I'm sorry, i didn't mean to laugh." " Would you like something to eat?" " No, thanks." " But a glass of red wine?" " Yes, please." "Are you all right?" " Why do you ask?" " I don't know." "I want you both to be happy." "I'm so fond of you, daddy." " Really?" " Yes, really." " Did you go see that man?" " Naturally." "And what happened?" "I begged his pardon." "What did he say?" "He forgave me." " Eat your food, dear." " I don't want anymore, mom." "Tell her to eat." "Children have to eat." "See." "Your father says so, too." "Very well, i'll become as fat as a barrel just to please you." "Nonsense." "It's okay, daddy." "Daddy... what do you say?" "I want to stay here in frankfurt... but mom says i must stand on my own feet and study in munich." "Your mother knows you better." "I... i've been wearing men's clothes quite a lot lately." "I tried to find work in my old trade... which i used to like." "I can't go on living like this." "I see no reason to go on living." "I would so much like to be with you two again... to be together as we never were properly before." "You know i've always liked you... and still do." "And i always will... be fond of you." " But..." " don't go on, irene." "I know you have to say it's too late." "And i... yes, elvira." "It is too late." "Daddy!" "Once upon a time, there was a very nice man who came from swabia." "He looked like a benign old uncle." "Although he was thin-lipped, nobody seemed to notice." "His lips were pursed and looked like a cupid's bow." "Everyone would say about him:" ""Look what a noble man this is." ""How good he is." "What a benign person he is."" "And he was always around whenever there was some event, or a great celebration, or some terribly sad day." "Every year... in the sad month of november the swabians gathered to commemorate a terrible war in their history." "The man appeared before them looked deep into their eyes" "and said:" ""You must be contrite" ""because your war was unjust." ""You were wicked." ""On the last day of the war you executed three men" ""who were against the war." "They were the good men." ""Now you must go in sackcloth and ashes." ""Let us bow our heads in honor of..." ""those three resistance fighters."" "Then a tiny, elderly man appeared and said:" ""You, sir, are a very nice person." "But tell me..." ""you were present yourself as a judge" ""and as a public prosecutor..." ""and helped condemn those men to death." "You are also guilty."" "And the nice man replied:" ""What's that?"" "And he considered and said:" ""I don't remember."" "There's a strange man in the house." "Nonsense." "Sorry... to disturb you." "I cut my hair off today and went out onto the street." "And my hair... and i put on these shoes." "But i didn't know where to go." "And i happened... to come by your place and i thought i'd just come up." "I wanted to talk to someone." " It's pretty late." " It's after eleven." "It's after eleven." "You have to get up early tomorrow and drive." "I have to get up early and drive." "Yes, i understand." "I have my life and other people have theirs." "It's my stupid head that makes me forget." "Nonsense, elvira." "Your head's not stupid." "There's nothing stupid about your head." "I know i'm not basically stupid." "There's just something in my head that makes me feel... paralyzed sometimes." "We've discussed that already." "Is it no better?" "No, it's not better." "Just look at my hair." "I've cut my hair off." "I'm so sorry for you that you don't like me like this." "A few hairs don't make any difference." " Nobody will notice." " Oh yes they will." "I know that better than you do." "Everyone stares at my hair, but i can't bear the sight of it." "Well, if you will keep looking at it... i'd like so much to talk to you." "I felt so well when we did that interview." "My pains were better for weeks afterwards." "Well, i suppose i could come and drink a beer with you." "Oh, that would be nice." "You told me to remind you to get to bed earlier." "That's right." "If i go out now, i won't get home till late." "And i have to drive the car early tomorrow, you see?" "Yes... i see." "Goodnight, elvira." "Maybe some other time." "Goodnight." "Happiness?" "What is happiness?" "Of course i'm not happy." "There's no such thing as happiness." "It is the quest... the process that's exciting... not the outcome... happiness." "That can't be exciting." "I invent the pains to find out what normal life's about." "I'm not sure... but maybe that's what people call masochism although i don't believe it is." "I think it just helps to create a clearer picture of myself." "I like to reconstruct the conversations i used to have when i was 20 or so and talked to people, to customers." "And i thought... it must be possible to solve the problems." "If i were... say, adenauer, i could go to moscow and talk to them and then the prisoners would be released." "I have a quite different yearning now." "It was so hard to conform to situations i was forced into, or i forced myself into." "It makes no difference." "Maybe i'd like to... i don't know." "Maybe i'd like to go back to anton or to irene... get dressed, sybille." "We're going to elvira's." " I have a nasty feeling." " Why?" "Just a feeling." "What can i say?" "The yearning for anton is something you hide from or something i hide from." "With christoph it was different." "I tried to give him what i didn't get from anton." "And i thought, maybe... i could give it to christoph." "But it didn't work out." "I have to search you for weapons first." "Giving him so much that he'd have some... to give back to me." "That may sound calculating, but it isn't." "Maybe it's..." "what one calls love." "I don't know." "Irene and i..." " is she there?" " How do i know?" "A kind of escape." "Our relationship wasn't entirely clear." "It was an urge to get away from the situation we were in." "That was the main thing." "That's how we came together." "And the bonding agent... if you make soup too thin, you use some flour to thicken it." "Marie-ann was a kind of a catalyst, too." "I don't really know what it is..." "love... from father?" "I always needed it, but i rejected the word." "Yes, i think i have the key." "I'll be right over." "Marie-ann... plays a role, of course but maybe not so much for me as for irene." "Anton had his meat business and all kinds of strange deals." "I don't want... to talk much about that." "Mom, i think something's happened to daddy." "Someone phoned to say he doesn't open the door." "Shall i take the key and have a look?" "Everyone says anton's a swine." "An idealistic swine." "I don't know what you say." "But it didn't affect me because i had to cope... with this feeling earlier." "Later, it didn't interest me anymore." "Earlier, i reacted differently, too." "I put up with a lot of things on account of anton." "Where do you think you're going?" "What's going on here?" "It seemed natural to me that anton... was the stronger one, i the weaker." "And he knew it." "Naturally..." "he should have taken my side." "Irene did." "So why couldn't he?" "I don't know why you're asking me these questions." "Daddy is dead." "He didn't write." "I waited and waited for him every day." "But he didn't come." "I'm sorry, ma'am." "The swine." "He could have written." "But no swine ever learned to write." "What could he have written?" "Mom, daddy's dead." "He had to do his sums." "That caused me a lot of suffering." "Maybe it was right, what i did." "I don't know." "I can't say." "Sorry, i have to search you for weapons." "That's all right." "I'm not sure." "On the one hand, i was sure that... that it had to happen and that i wanted to die." "On the other hand... i didn't know what life held in store for me." "Life is... and held some kind of hope." "And then again, things like comfort or maybe yearning." "Maybe i was curious to experience... what those words really meant." "And if i had really wanted to die." "I don't know." "It probably came from the subconscious." "Would i have written down my correct address?" "I can't explain why i did it now." "If i had really wanted to die maybe i wouldn't have written it down." "After the event... it's so hard to talk about these things." "When i wrote down irene's address... i wasn't thinking of anything at all." "I just felt i had to fill out that registration form... handsome stranger, the time will come one day when all my dreams become reality..."