"Once upon a time, in a galaxy not entirely unlik e our own  there was a girl." "There was nothing extraordinary about this girl." "She was, by her own estimation, a relatively simple sort yet she was cursed." "For as long as she could remember her romantic life had been something of a disaster." "Boys either fell too hard, too fast, or not at all." "She had long since given up on the notion of a functional relationship  which is why, in the winter of her 1 9th year she was surprised to find herself in the company of a boy  who made her feel as if the curse had been lifted." "If only temporarily." "So..." "...chocolate or vanilla?" "Chocolate." "Cake or pie?" "Pie." "Coke or Pepsi?" "Coke." "Christmas or Halloween?" "Halloween." "That settles it." "We have nothing in common." "Well, the sex is good." "Please, I had better sex in elementary school." "Okay, are we done with this month's Cosmo compatibility test?" "Can we just get on with our lives?" "Not so fast." "l have one more question." "Okay, shoot." "Christmas in Boston in your squalid apartment or Christmas in Capeside with yours truly?" "l just said that out loud, didn't I?" "Yeah, pretty much." "I just crossed a line into that world where girls pressure their boyfriends into doing stuff with them, and then-- l just referred to you as my boyfriend." "I'm a mess. I apologise." "Apology accepted." "You know...." "Actually, I take that back. I want you to meet my dysfunctional family." "Help me convince my sister we should buck tradition and throw out our stupid fake Christmas tree and get a real one for a change." "is that wrong?" "Okay." "First of all, I have a dysfunctional family all my own." "I won't be celebrating with a TV dinner under a bare bulb if that's what you're worried about." "And second I don't know if it's such a good idea at this juncture." "What juncture is that?" "Well, the juncture of too much and too soon." "We're even, then." "What does that mean?" "It means that clearly I'm a typical girl and, based on what you said, you're very much a typical guy." "Hey, meeting the family's a huge deal, especially this time of year." "I'd probably have to put on a sweater." "You know, like a holiday sweater." "And I gotta tell you, I hate sweaters." "I look stupid in sweaters." "I bet you look very nice in sweaters." "All right, pencil me in for Presidents' weekend. I'll be there. I promise." "Fine." "But don't think we're ever having sex again." "What?" "Typical girl, using sex as a weapon." "Shut up." "You're very pretty." "Have I told you that?" "Sucking up will get you nowhere." "Allow me to count the ways in which I suck." "What happened?" "I missed my flight, which, to my knowledge only happens in the movies, but apparently not." "Apparently, it can happen in real life too." "Especially when you spend too much time in the bar letting creepy Willy Loman types buy you drinks." "Isn't it a little early to be knocking them back, Audrey?" "Even for you?" "Doesn't count when you fly." "I always have to get sauced to fly the friendly skies." "Keeps the voices down that tell me I'm seconds from plummeting to my death." "I don't know." "You better be careful." "You might spend next semester in rehab." "No, rehab" " Rehab is for quitters." "Okay, so, what's the plan?" "I couldn't get another flight until tomorrow." "Christmas on a plane." "Whoo, mama." "So why don't you come home with me." "No." "Really, I can't. I'll be fine." "I'm not letting you spend Christmas drunk on an airplane with a motley assortment of sad travellers." "It sounds way better than intruding on someone else's holiday." "You wouldn't be intruding on anyone's holiday." "Trust me." "Dawson's mom is inviting everyone to Christmas dinner, which sounds like a recipe for disaster, but at least we'll all be together." "I don't know." "Seems like the only thing I have accomplished this semester is alienating everyone." "You know, and now, all of a sudden, I'm your frigging Christmas charity case." "Let's not forget I've done the Capeside thing and quite frankly, it was a stultifying bore." "Well, you're preaching to the choir on that one..." "...but you're still coming with me." "l don't know." "My father's gonna be there." "Can I ask about prison?" "lf you want." "All right." "You talked me into it." "lt'll be fun, I promise." "All right." "Better be." "I'll be back." "Pacey, is that you?" "Merry Christmas, Dougie." "Yeah, right back at you." "If you wouldn't mind, could you tell me..." "...what you did with my little brother?" "l murdered that punk." "Stuffed his body in a Dumpster behind Red Lobster in Centerville." "Yeah, good to know." "Well, you look...." "Hip, handsome, hetero?" "I was gonna say slick, sleazy and smarmy, but sure." "Okay." "Your sexuality, on the other hand, is as dubious as ever." "Good to see that some things never change, Doug." "What happened to the Mustang?" "It made for a most excellent trade-in." "And you think you can give me a hand with all this stuff?" "Pacey!" "Don't tell me somebody actually had the poor sense to give you a credit card?" "Well, you seem to forget, Doug, I actually work for a living." "Oh, right." "So you finally bailed on the cooking thing and got yourself a nice little crack-cocaine franchise." "If only it were that glamorous." "No, I'm a working stiff like yourself." "Except when you go home and you have the satisfaction of knowing you've made the world better I just have a big, fat, stinking wad of cash." "Ain't life grand." "What was that for?" "Must you question my every impulse my every romantic whim?" "If you must know, it was simply a thank-you." "For what?" "For taking me deep in the heartland for an American Christmas, for introducing me to your mother who, I must say, is quite a trip and for just being you." "I's a lucky girl, Dawson." "Did my mom stop grilling you?" "Not so much, no." "I think she's curious about my intentions." "What'd you tell her?" "Well, I said:" "Aside from banging in the new year with her son, I didn't know or care." "Nicely put." "You think she's safe with Todd?" "Oh, I don't think anyone's safe from a drunk-and-horny Todd." "l'll go pry them apart." "Thank you." "Well, that Natasha is a trip." "That's one way of putting it." "So, what's the deal with you two?" "Whatever do you mean, Mother?" "Well, is it serious?" "is she your girlfriend or is this some casual-sex thing?" "Okay, first of all, that's disgusting." "That's" " Second, I have no idea." "I don't know. I'm in a relationship and I have no idea where it's headed or how to define it." "That's okay with you?" "l don't really have a choice." "It's just...." "What, the way they do things in California?" "Yeah, apparently." "If someone told me the day would come when my son would bring his movie-star girlfriend and some bigtime director for Christmas..." "..." "I would've laughed in their face." "Yeah, me too, probably." "You know who'd get a kick out of this, don't you?" "Your father." "Yeah." "God, he'd have loved it." "Although I don't think he'd enjoy watching your boss hit on me." "Me mum's favourite recipe." "Here, get some of that down you." "Bloody hell, Leery, didn't I teach you how to drink better than that?" "If you'll excuse me, I have to go check on our dinner." "Need any help?" "No, but you could keep me company." "You can tell me about working with Max Winter." "is he, like, beautiful in person or...?" "Speaking of all things beautiful, your mom's quite a handsome woman." "Do you mind if I have a go at her?" "What?" "Auntie Joey, it's Christmas." "Alexander." "Honey, I know you're excited and all, but it's way too early to open gifts." "No." "Be nice to Auntie Joey." "She's very tired." "Her crazy friend Audrey kept her up all night." "Grandpa, presents." "Come on, everybody!" "Joey." "I know." "Coming." "What does a girl have to do to get some sleep?" "Merry Christmas to you too, sweetheart." "Sorry, Dad." "Merry Christmas." "Well, I guess we should get to it then." "Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old on Christmas morning." "Not so fast." "There's someone for you at the door." "Well, who is it?" "l don't know." "I wouldn't keep him waiting much longer." "He looks a little nervous." "Nobody likes you." "You are a loser." "And don't forget it." "Hey." "Where's Tony and Maria?" "Out on the porch." "Ditched for the boyfriend yet again." "What do we know about this guy, Audrey?" "Chip on his shoulder, blue on his collar." "I don't know, Joey seems to like him." "ls it serious?" "Oh, well, like a heart attack." "Because, you see, Eddie seems to be able to incorporate all the best elements of Pacey and Dawson so it makes him, like, the T-1 000 of love interests." "Interesting." "Quid pro quo, Mr. Potter." "What can you tell me about prison?" "l was right, you know." "About what?" "You do look very nice in a sweater." "Yeah, well, I still hate them." "So, what made you change your mind?" "I missed you." "I missed you." "Well, you can go now." "I wouldn't want you to be at the critical juncture of too much too soon." "Oh, shut up." "Come here." "Hi, Dad." "Hi." "Your sister needs some help in the kitchen." "I thought that's what Bodie was for." "Are you gonna be okay out here?" "As long as your father promises to go easy." "I'll be gentle, I promise." "I'm okay." "Okay." "lt's beautiful out here, huh?" "Yeah, it is." "So tell me about yourself, Eddie." "Sure." "What do you want to know?" "Where do you go to school?" "l don't, actually." "Did you graduate?" "No, I never really went." "College and I, it never really took, you know." "Yeah, I see." "So, what do you do for a living?" "Well, I'm actually in between occupations at the moment." "I was tending bar for a while, but that didn't work out." "So I guess now I'm just trying to take some time off you know, figure out my next move." "I see." "Hey, you know, your daughter is great, Mr. Potter." "Yes, she is." "Your mom is in the kitchen your little sister is napping Todd is passed out in the living room and the rest of the guests aren't due to arrive for about another hour." "Let's go." "You got work to do." "Where?" "To heaven and hell and back again." "We're gonna have sex in your childhood bedroom where you've only had sex with yourself." "ls it that obvious?" "Doesn't take a rocket scientist." "Doing it in this room doesn't creep you out?" "Hell, no." "Turns me on." "Let's go, citizen." "What's wrong with you?" "Nothing." "I'm not sensing the appropriate degree of enthusiasm." "I don't seem to have your attention." "is it the whole childhood-bedroom thing?" "I thought that would add a nice splash of kink to the proceedings..." "...but we don't have to." "No, it's not that." "Then what is it?" "Max Winter." "No wonder you're not here with me." "You're not supposed to be thinking about hunky matinee idols, Dawson." "You trying to tell me something about your orientation?" "You know what I'm talking about." "Yes, I do." "And while your jealousy is sweet and all, you have nothing to worry about." "Max Winter is long gone." "You lied to me." "What are you talking about?" "You lied to me." "You said you were alone in your room watching TV." "Yeah." "I saw him leave your room." "So, what's your point?" "My point is it bothers me." "Look, I thought I could play the game and keep my mouth shut, but I can't." "That's not who I am. I need to know what the hell we're doing." "We're having fun, Dawson." "At least..." "...that's what I thought we were doing." "That's crap." "If it was fun, you wouldn't have been upset about Joey." "Well, I was just being dramatic." "Come on." "l don't believe that for a second." "Believe it." "It's all about ego, Dawson." "No girl wants to be dumped by some guy that she's embarking on a fun little fling with especially when he's the director's assistant." "That's what this is to you, some fun little fling." "Are you on your period right now?" "I just wasn't clear before, but now I am. I get it." "You get some perverse little thrill out of screwing the help." "You know what?" "You crack me up, Dawson because you stand here and you say these incredibly noble self-aggrandizing things about how you don't want to play the game when the truth is you brought me home for Christmas." "You can't tell me you don't get some perverse thrill out of showing me off to your friends and family." "It's really quite a shame, Dawson because there will be a day when you're old and grey and not even the Viagra's doing it for you and you could've looked back fondly on that time you banged the daylights out of that actress in your childhood bedroom while she still had her looks." "But that's what you get for thinking with your brain when you really should be thinking with your" "Well, I think you know." "Watch your step, sweetie, it's icy." "Come on, buddy." "Come on, chief." "You hungry?" "You're welcome." "So this is the guy from the No Doubt concert who's the same guy from the movie set?" "Dawson, yeah." "Dawson, right." "Yeah, why are we here again?" "ls it gonna be all right for you?" "I got no beef with the guy." "If he's got beef with me I think I could take him." "Well, I don't think it'll come to that, but it's good to know." "The question is, Jo, is that will it be weird for you?" "Well, yeah." "I mean, that's just the way it is." "That's the way it'll always be, but, look, don't worry." "We're gonna have dinner, and we're out of here." "What, no dessert?" "I do like pie, you know." "As I recall." "I was hoping we could find some time to be alone tonight." "Yeah, well, you know, I have to spend some time with my own family..." "...but I was thinking-- -l'd love to." "You don't know what I was gonna say." "For all you know, you could be agreeing to an act of sexual congress." "So you weren't asking me to come home with you." "No, I am." "Well, like I said, I would love to." "Cool." "And I promise my family will be a lot less intimidating." "What do you mean?" "Nothing." "It's just, is your dad always so hard on prospective suitors?" "Why?" "What did he say to you?" "l'm teasing." "Forget it." "l'm not gonna forget it." "Eddie, if my dad was rude, I want to know about it." "You know what?" "He wasn't rude at all." "He seems like a really great guy." "Sweet ride, Pacey." "Thanks for the test drive." "Anytime." "lsn't the navigational system amazing?" "Yeah, you're right. lt's amazing." "Hey, did you think Dad liked his PalmPilot?" "Because he didn't really seem all that excited." "Well, I think he was a little overwhelmed, Pace. I think we all were." "Hey, there's one other thing I want to give you." "I didn't want to break it out in front of the family." "You have been extremely generous." "I don't need anything else." "Oh, come on, open it up." "You're gonna like it." "Pace, this-- This is above and beyond." "Get rid of that one you've had since the Reagan administration." "Hey, I'll tell you, I love this watch, okay?" "It lights up." "Sure, but can it tell you the time in Portugal?" "I think not." "Pace, can I ask you something?" "Sure." "This job of yours, is it on the up-and-up?" "On the up-and-up?" "You sound like you're 50." "You sound like Dad." "Look at it from my perspective, Pace." "You come home with this new car, you got flashy new clothes expensive gifts for the whole family." "It seems a little too good to be true." "Right, right. I forgot." "Yet another reason why it sucks to be a Witter." "You can't just be happy for me." "You couldn't just, say, be proud of me." "You have to accuse me of being involved in some illegal activity." "I'm not accusing you." "I'm wondering how much you know about your place of employment." "What is this, man?" "You should be happy for me." "Are you jealous?" "is this about how much money I've been making?" "I don't know." "Maybe you're right, Pace." "Maybe I am jealous, I don't know." "Or maybe I'm just worried about you." "Excuse me." "So where the hell is Jack?" "Are you drunk?" "Yes." "But that doesn't explain where he is." "ln Europe, with his dad and Andie." "Dope." "Evelyn, would you like to say grace?" "l wouldn't mind leading us in prayer." "Oh, well, that would be lovely, Todd." "Thank you." "Dearly beloved we are gathered here today to celebrate the birth of your son." "Now I'm at a disadvantage here." "Many of you, I'm sure, know who I am." "I am a filmmaker, celebrated on many continents but I don't know any of you which is a travesty, because people like you regular people, are my target audience." "Except you, blondie." "You look very familiar to me." "You hit on me on a" " On a plane once from Boston to New York." "Did we shag?" "No." "Are you sure?" "Because I'm flashing on some sort of mile-high club activity." "No, that wasn't me." "Well, good because that'd be embarrassing." "Where was I?" "Oh, yes, the birth of Christ." "Let me start with what I am thankful for." "I am thankful for Gail for inviting us into her lovely home." "And I am thankful to her progeny, Dawson." "Progeny." "Progeny." "Her progeny, Dawson." "This kid has been an invaluable member of my production team." "He's helped me through one of the roughest productions known to God and man." "And I love him." "I love him very much, Dawson." "And the funny thing is he's managed to get himself involved in a sexual relationship with a beautiful woman which reminds me of my first film, actually except she was what we call underage so we don't talk about that." "Todd?" "Yes, Dawson?" "Will you wrap it up?" "Forgive me." "Forgive me, Gail." "I'm really impressed with what you've done with your life, Dawson." "I've known this kid since he was making movies with a video camera." "It's really amazing to see how far he's come." "Thank you, Mr. Potter." "That means a lot." "Maybe you guys have an opening for Eddie here." "You're looking for work, aren't you, Eddie?" "I like Eddie." "We never found a replacement for Phil the PA." "Film's not really my thing, but thanks for thinking about me, Mr. Potter." "What is your thing, Eddie?" "Dad." "What?" "I'm curious." "No, you're not." "You're being a dick." "Joey." "Mr." "Potter?" "Yes, Audrey?" "Can I ask you..." "...another question about prison?" "Sure, Audrey." "Yeah." "So why is it that you don't think Eddie's good enough for your daughter?" "Audrey." "Back off." "What is your problem, princess?" "I was sticking up for Joe Dirt over there." "This isn't gonna end well." "Why don't you shut up, Pacey." "You're out of line, Audrey." "Of course I am." "Anyone messes with the one that got away and you get all up on your high horse, don't you?" "Audrey." "Oh, excellent." "Another party heard from." "What's your problem, Lindley?" "You're the one with the problem." "Oh, how devilishly clever of you, Jen." "Oh, honey, are you still upset that I shagged your dream boy?" "Because I am sorry about that." "What are you even doing here?" "I missed my flight, bitch, which is really terribly unfortunate." "If you think that spending Christmas here on Walton Mountain is my idea of a good time then you all are about as high as I am right now." "Audrey, why don't you go lay down." "Oh, you know, thanks for that, Gail, really but I think I'm kind of just getting started here." "Do any of you have any idea how incredibly hypocritical this whole little gathering is?" "I mean, I may be flying high on a pleasingly potent cocktail of vodka and painkillers" "And thank you, by the way, Gail, for the painkillers." "but I seem to be seeing things a little bit clearer than any of you." "Dawson." "Pacey." "You guys hate each other, don't you?" "You're never gonna be able to mend this little rift that exists between the two of you, so why even bother with the charade?" "And Dawson and Joey here you are, both of you, all grown up and so pleased with yourselves each with your little significant other by your side and while I will give you that it does make a pretty picture the truth is you guys finally slept together and you never dealt with it." "Neither of you are gonna be able to have a relationship with anyone else until you just finally deal with your crap once and for all." "And as for you, Pacey I am sorry that Audrey Hepburn next to you broke your heart years ago and it's prevented you from ever fully committing to an adult relationship but you know what?" "Just grow up." "Merry Christmas, scum-suckers." "Peace out." "Well, that was fun." "Merry Christmas." "Isn't that your car, Pacey?" "Oh, God." "is she all right?" "Audrey?" "ls she okay?" "Oh, my God." "Yeah." "I kind of think I zagged when I should have zigged." "Do you have any idea what you're asking me to do?" "I'm asking you to keep her out of trouble..." "...and make this go away." "Listen to me." "Your girlfriend in there is in trouble." "She needs serious help." "Look, she's not my girlfriend anymore and right now she hates me, so she's not gonna listen to anything I say." "This is the only way I can help." "Ever think it might be better for her if she does get into trouble for this?" "That's ridiculous." "I'm asking you for a favour here." "I have not asked you for much, but I'm asking for this." "Doug, do this for me, okay?" "Make it go away." "Please, Doug." "You willing to take all the blame?" "Yes, absolutely." "What?" "What's so funny?" "No, nothing." "Nothing. lt's just that" "You know, you've given yourself quite the makeover, haven't you?" "You've grown some facial hair, got yourself a real job nice car, fancy clothes, but you're the same." "You're still looking for a quick fix, aren't you?" "You want me to sweep this under the rug, fine." "I don't know what that will accomplish." "She'll drink and drive another day." "And you know what?" "It may not end up so happy next time." "Okay." "If anybody asks, you did this." "All right?" "New car, you lost control, you're a moron people will believe you." "Trust me." "Thank you." "And I'll pay for whatever else needs taking care of." "Throw some money at it, because that fixes everything." "Come on." "What do you want from me?" "No, I'm not done." "You know, maybe I never told you this, Pacey, and if I didn't I am so sorry but last year when you were a cook, I was proud of you." "I was happy for you." "I actually admired you, Pacey." "There was something I don't know, honest about it." "Almost noble." "Guess it didn't suit you, did it?" "How do you feel?" "How do I look, Lindley?" "Like complete and utter crap." "Well, that sums it up nicely then, thank you." "Do you want me to call your parents?" "No." "Jen, if you do that, if you-- l swear I will make it my life's purpose to kick your ass back to New York." "Okay." "Why are you so angry, Audrey?" "Okay, Dr. Melfi, you know is this some attempt to impress C.J.?" "Because you know what?" "The last time I checked, he's not here." "No, I was just trying to help you." "Well, don't." "Okay?" "Just pretend that I am too far gone which isn't that far from the truth." "I just-- l wanna be left alone, Jen." "I'm so sick and tired of you people." "You all say that you want to help, but it's all just posturing because none of you really noticed how screwed up I was until tonight." "With friends like you, who needs enemas?" "Hey." "Hey." "Where are you going?" "Back to L.A." "My manager got me on the last flight out." "You're gonna leave just like that?" "Just like that." "Natasha, I'm sorry for everything. l" "Don't be sorry." "You were right about everything." "I slept with Max Winter." "That's fantastic." "l'm just being honest." "lsn't that what you wanted?" "Yeah." "Yes." "Honestly, I mean, that's great." "That's" "Look, Dawson, I'm sorry if I was reckless with your emotions." "I didn't mean to be. I thought we were having fun. I don't-- l don't love you. I never did." "It was fun." "Sleeping with you made me feel sexy and beautiful and, to be honest, I never thought it would last much past wrap." "Yeah." "Well...." "You know what?" "l don't love you either." "Of course you don't, silly." "Listen, you're not built for this kind of relationship." "It's kind of what I dig about you." "I am too young and too self-absorbed to be entangled in something so serious and if I'm too young, you're way too young." "You know, you're gonna make some girl's dreams come true someday, in a big way." "I have to stop this before I break your heart and turn you into a bitter cynic." "Don't flatter yourself." "Merry Christmas, Dawson." "Oh, Todd's passed out in the bathroom." "I'm pretty sure he's still breathing but you might want to hold a mirror up to his breath just to be sure." "Thanks." "So is this what all your Christmases are like, Joey Potter?" "You know, not so much." "Usually we smoke crack and worship Satan." "This was pretty tame by comparison." "Look." "What?" "I don't think you should come back with me, Joey." "Why?" "Because you have plenty of stuff to deal with right here." "Why do I sense some subtext here?" "You know, your father was kind of a jerk tonight." "You know, but he wasn't altogether wrong about me." "You know, I'm not the most together guy on the planet, Joey." "Who asked you to be?" "Who even knows what that means?" "It means that I should have trusted my gut." "I shouldn't be here." "Why?" "Because it was." "It was all too much too soon." "I shouldn't be dealing with a father who thinks I'm a loser." "I shouldn't be dealing with all of the ghosts of relationships past." "It's too much." "You know, l" "We need to be in the here and now." "Okay." "Well, then that's what we'll do." "From now on, we'll be in the here and now, I promise." "Okay?" "You know, the same thing would have happened if you were at my house, you know." "I mean, you'd meet my family, and they'd be very impressed but also very suspicious because you are so damn beautiful and they'd wonder, "What the hell is she doing with Eddie?"" "And after, when you were gone they'd pull me aside and they'd say:" ""What the hell are you doing, kid?" "That girl's gonna break your heart."" "Eddie, I have no intention of breaking your heart." "Yeah." "No one ever does." "Merry Christmas, Joey." "Didn't I sleep with you once and never talk to you again?" "You know, I thought that was you." "Sorry about that." "Don't worry about it." "Happens to me all the time." "So...." "Some night, huh?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "Kind of puts things in perspective." "How do you mean?" "Well, you know if Audrey had managed to take us all out in a blaze of glory tonight I'd hate that the last meaningful conversation you and I had was that one in your dorm room." "Yeah." "She was right about one thing, though, you know." "What?" "We never really dealt with what happened." "I don't know about you but I kind of put it all into a little box and pushed it far, far away." "I spend a lot of time trying to figure out how it all went so wrong." "I spend a lot of time trying to forget we ever meant anything to each other." "Fair enough. I deserve that, I guess." "No, you don't, and the thing is, Dawson, it never works." "A night like this, well, it does put things into perspective." "See I think sometimes it's easy for me to kind of hate you because I know that you're out there and if anything happened to me or if I ever needed you you'd be there for me." "It's true." "If that's true, then how come we only ever end up hurting each other?" "Well, we're not hurting each other right now." "Yeah." "Right now is an illusion, though." "Right now it's a truce." "But right now I want to stand here and talk to the one person who can maybe help me figure out how everything got this way." "We can hate each other in the morning." "Sounds like a plan." "I don't really hate you, you know." "I don't really hate you either."