"Thank you." "Hey, has she been out yet?" "No, not yet." "Can you cover for me?" "Really need a coke and a piss." "Get me one." "Er, where's, er, what's-her-face?" "Erm, Jane's just gone to the loo." "The boardroom needs setting up for a meeting this afternoon." "Of course." "No problem." "Er, Victoria?" "Yes." "Could I have a word, please?" "Sure." "I want you to have a look at the Asian strategy." "Sure, no problem." "I would!" "Good morning - Hewitt Maurice Asset Management..." "Erm, sorry, I thought the..." "the meeting was..." "I'll just put these here." "Calm down." "Can I get you anything?" "Emmy, is it?" " Effy." " Effy." "I'm fine, thanks." "Idiot." "Touching him where exactly?" "Arse?" "Dick?" "Come on, I need specifics." "Ew!" "Do you think he only goes for senior analysts or the slammin' boobs count?" "Come on!" "Shut up!" "Oh, looks like Dominic's just picked up an extra sandwich... as he was just passing... again." "I picked up another sandwich, just in case." "You were just passing, right?" "Thanks, Dom." "So you, er, you got any, you know, plans after work?" "I'm just going to go home and do some work there." "Right, yeah, course." "Anything I can help with?" "That's really sweet." "I'm fine." "Well, I'm around, you know." "Just in case you fancy a quick one..." "Quick once..." "Er..." "I..." "Once around the finance world a la Dominic!" "Thank you, Dom." "Watch it, mate!" "Oh, my God." "He is so tragic!" "You look like a horse when you laugh down your nose like that." "Leave it with me." "Effy" " I know this is really shitty but I really need the monthly report documented by tonight." "Any chance you could just knock it out now?" "Sure." "I'll just, erm, e-mail it." "We'll be at the drinks thing so maybe you can just pop it down." "Is that OK?" "Fine." "You're amazing." "Thank you so much." "Perfect." "Did you want to come in for a drink?" "No, I'm fine." "See you tomorrow." "All right, Effy?" "Hey, where have you been?" "!" "Working." "Effy!" "Are you joining us on the juice?" "You seem to be doing all right without me." "Oh, we started at two." "I am gone, mate, I'm fuckin' gone." "Congratulations." "You all right?" "How was work?" "Fine." "Pub's too expensive so we came back here." "Save enough money to pay the rent?" "Potentially." "Sit down, have a beer." "Want one?" "Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait." "Look, have this." "Naomi, you got any food?" "Naomi, you got any food?" "Yes, plenty." "What do you fancy?" "We got, er... steak." "Where the fuck did that come from?" "Where the fuck have you been?" "Sorry." "I've had people round." "Couldn't hear my laptop." "Is this you trying to prove a point?" "It's fucking hard here." "Sorry!" "I just want to speak to my girlfriend!" "I'm speaking to you now." "I'm just tired!" "You're not tired, you're stoned." "Again!" "Call me when you can be bothered." "Ems?" "Ems?" "Fuck's sake!" "Don't you dare." "Eff?" "I'm asleep." "Oh, fine - fuck you, then." "She's going to dump me." "No, she's not." "New York's full of hot dykes." "Emily doesn't like hot dykes." "She likes useless stoners like you." "Mmm, yeah." "Yeah." "She loves me." "Weirdly, yes." "I'm going to go see her." "I need some fanny time soon or I'm going to burst into flames." "Romantic." "You might need to get a job first." "I think I'm going to be a stand-up comedian." "Brilliant." "Go to sleep now." "Jane, Jane..." "Jane, Jane, Jane!" "Jane, the idea is that you're conscious enough to answer the phone, remember?" "I'm sorry, I had a..." "Associates' meeting in five." "You ready?" "Victoria?" "Victoria?" "I've been looking through the monthly reports and the one from last night..." "Why?" "I just have." "But, look, look - there's been a mistake." "The monthly figures in the emerging sectors haven't been updated." "See there?" "Couldn't some of the investors think we're trying to hide something?" "I'm sure it's fine." "But thank you, you know, for trying." "Mark?" "Yo." "Boys..." "Er, yeah, so the figures that have come down from upstairs are, erm..." "Hang on a second." "Let me find them." "Yeah, Appendix 16." "Er... as you can see, the growth is negative, which we like, and we're in a position to short it, so..." "Yeah, it's good." "Mark, what the fuck is up with you?" "Er..." "John McAndrew came in from Miami last night." "He's such a dick." "Well, I ended up out with him, and stayed out with him and, er..." "Save it for your wife." "Come on, what have you got?" "Yeah." "Er... basically, we should do it." "Great." "Any problems in legal?" "No." "No problem." "We're compliant." "Great." "I think that's it." "Thanks, Mark." "That was shit." " But accurate." " Congratulations." "Have a cookie." "OK, that's everything." "Let's keep the energy up, guys." "End of quarter is fast approaching." "Sorry, Jake, just one thing..." "What is it?" "There's been a fuck-up with the emerging market numbers." "How do you mean?" "They haven't been updated." "They don't reflect the returns at all." "Has this gone out yet?" "No." "Fine." "Mark?" "Send that back upstairs, find the fucking author of it, and fire them." "Then you get it amended." "We're not running a pissing Ponzi here." "Yeah, got it." "Good." "Thank you." "Get me Chris on the phone, tell him..." "What would I do without you?" "Well done." "Can we have coffees in Jake's office, please?" "Decaf for me." "They want coffee." "Who does?" "Hi." "Effy!" "Oh!" "Oh, no." "It's OK." "You... you're not supposed to be in here." "I know, but you said you were around, and I need a drink right now." "Right." "Right, yeah, of course." "But... hedge funders are not allowed in here." "She works in a hedge fund?" "Bloody fuck, Dom!" "She's looking, she's..." "She's not looking!" "She's not looking." "Are you?" "Listen..." "Do you want to go for a drink or not?" "I need your help." "You didn't see her." "All right, Kevin?" "I quite clearly saw her." "And I saw what you did on the sims last week... with the thing." "Yeah - keep your mouth shut." "Let's go." "Where are we going?" "This is a really nice place." "Very... warm." "It's very expensive." "All right?" "Naomi, this is Dominic." "Dominic!" "Dominic..." "Who the fuck are you, Dominic?" "I'm a research strategist." "Well, fuck me." "What is that?" "I, er... research stuff... er... strategically." "I thought you said they were all dicks." "No, I work in a completely different building, so..." "Ugh..." "Are you all right?" "Yeah, just a, erm, hysterical dyke, apparently." "Is that a thing?" "I'm a hormone hypochondriac, doctor said." "Attention seeker." "That's right." "Takes creative vision." "Spliff?" "No." "We've got stuff to do." "What, right now?" "Yep." "Come on, Dom." "I've been on my own all day!" "What are we doing?" "I want to know." "Know what?" "Everything." "Everything that you know." "Right." "That's a lot." "It's fine." "Start from the beginning." "Money." "Show me." "OK." "Yeah." "We could..." "OK, let's see." "We could start with the beginning." "Neolithic barter systems." "No." "No, no, no, that's too far back." "OK, 18th-century mutual funds and their bastard children." "Derivatives and futures..." "OK." "Check out the following algorithm..." "Hang on, slow down." " ..if you know how to short-sell..." " Yeah, so that means..." "Say it again...?" "Do you get it now?" "Thank you, Dom." "Seriously." "Thank you so much." "Dom?" "Oh." "I..." "I'm sorry." "Oops." "I'm not..." "I'm not sorry." "I'm not sorry." "I just, erm..." "Dominic." "No, no, no need to worry." "I just..." "I'm confused, obviously." "I..." "I just..." "Shout if you're naked!" "Shout if you're naked!" "Shout if you're naked!" "Hm, disappointing." "We're finished." "Ooh." "Amazing." "Because, erm..." "I was actually hoping you might listen to some of my material." "Please, please, please?" "Naomi wants to be a stand-up comedian." "Really?" "Wow, that's cool." "That's really cool." "Well, thank you!" "We like him." "I was thinking about moving to London." "What?" "No, I've..." "I've started." "This is..." "Sorry." "Anyway, so, London." "Supposed to be the city of opportunity, right?" "But, actually, only gets you the opportunity to get fucked in the arse." "Oh, my God." "I mean, Boris bikes?" "They're lovely, aren't they?" "Thank you, Mr Boris." "Thank you, Barclays Bank." "But, those saddles, they're not really for girls, are they?" "I mean, I think, every time you sit in one of those saddles, it's basically like letting Boris finger you." "That's funny." "Really?" "Yeah." "You're really good." "It's good." "Mm, fan-dabi-dozi!" "Effy!" "Effy!" "Effy!" "Yes, Jane, that's my name." "I forgot to cancel Victoria's meeting with the fund of fund guys, and it starts in five minutes." "And you stopped to tell me this why?" "Oh, fuck." "Yeah, you're right!" "Run, Jane, run." "Good morning, Hewitt Maurice Asset Management..." "Yep." "Yep, I'll be right down." "She's going to fire me, isn't she?" "Probably." "I'll do it." "Thank you!" "Thank you!" "Thank you!" "Good morning, Hewitt Maurice Asset Management..." "Mr Stibbard?" "Effy Stonem." "Pleased to meet you." "I'm terribly sorry, but Victoria's feeling under the weather." "I see." "And no-one thought to let me know?" "She asked me to cover this meeting." "Can I take you for lunch?" "Yeah, I keep telling Victoria that we're just not that into you." "You're a single fund." "She's just not getting it." "What is Hewitt Maurice's sudden interest in fund of funds?" "Well... maybe she's just too polite to tell you that we know you have a liquidity issue." "Really?" "Really." "In the current climate, we need to diversify, and you are going to need some significant cash, within the next two months - if my research is correct." "OK, go on." "Well, we've been looking into your investments..." "OK." "I told Jane to cancel the meeting." "As far as I was concerned, it was being rearranged." " What the hell where you thinking?" " I don't know what came over me." "Don't give me that shit." "You're a fucking assistant." "Vic..." "Jesus fucking Christ!" "Vic!" "What?" "!" "All right." "You fucking deal with her, then." "So, am I fired?" "Looks like it." "That's bullshit." "You could have lost us an incredibly valuable investment." "And did I?" "That's not the point." "I was good in there." "Really good." "Yeah?" "That's what Stibbard said, too." "Well, you'd better go." "Pack your things." "I'm sorry." "Pussy." "No, er... can I take a message?" "Yeah..." "OK." "Just been fired." "What?" "You're the only one that understands Excel." "Not my problem any more." "You know, this is shitting unfair dismissal." "It's not really." "He's a cunt and she's a cunt and I'm gonna go in there and say something." "Mr Abassi." "Could I get you some...?" "And you can stop scowling at me, for a start." "I need to talk to you." "Could you hack it in there?" "What do you mean?" "Could you handle Stibbard's investment?" "You want me to be a trader?" "I'm giving you the chance to trade for one client." "Yes or no?" "Yes." "Good." "Glad we don't have to do the whole tribunal thing." "Don't tempt me." "Do I get a raise?" "No." "Come on, Naoms." "What do you want me to do?" "I know you've got more to tell me about it, Steve, come on." "I know it touched 105 yesterday." "Don't bullshit me." "Yeah, didn't ask for a fucking partial fill." "Is everybody seeing this?" "Can we all please keep an eye on this?" "!" "Er... what is going on?" "300,020, right." "Now." "You are jealous." "The way you look at her, the way you look at me." "Of a 20-year-old girl?" "Look at me!" "Do you think I really need to be jealous of a 20-year-old girl?" "Bye!" "Mark?" "Mark?" "Do you know why Gray Leverson's falling?" "Yeah, yeah, I can see that, It's whether we move now or...?" "It's dropped 15% since we opened." "Do I move?" "Have... have you gone?" "It's your portfolio, sweetheart." "It will level out, right?" "The CEO's leaving, Elf girl." "Do you need any more confirmation there's trouble on deck?" "So, what you are gonna do?" "Did you move?" "Got out hours ago." "What's wrong?" "I'm fucking it up." "I thought I could keep up, but I can't." "I don't know what I'm doing." "I've lost on everything this month, Dom." "Everything." "Yeah, that's what trading's like." "You go months not doing well." "I know, I know, but now Gray Leverson's falling like shit and I'm supposed to be up there selling." "Right now I'm supposed to be making a move." "So, why aren't you?" "I don't know." "Just a hunch." "Something's not right." "Or I'm just shit." "No, you're not shit." "You know something, don't you?" "No, I don't." "Yes." "Yes, you do." " No!" " What is it?" "No, stop." "It's illegal." "So, no." "We're supposed to be friends." "Yeah, and I told you I don't want to be your friend." "Dom, I can't deal with that right now." "I'm sorry, but you can't ask me to pretend..." "I'm not thinking it, cos I am and I..." "I need to take this." "Hello?" "Hi." "Yeah, yeah." "And, John, Gray Leverson." "Yeah, I'll get the takeover analysis to you this afternoon ready for the announcement." "And, yeah, it's all totally embargoed." "Yeah." "Great." "Bye." "You're not here." "OK?" "You're not here, you're not..." "Thank you, Dom." "Hurry!" "Bollocks." "Bad day, little Elf?" "It happens." "You'll have to try harder, won't you?" "Hello?" "Hi, this is Elf here, from Hewitt Maurice." "Hi, I'd like to buy 300,000 shares in Gray Leverson, please." "What the fuck are you doing?" "Ssh!" "Thank you, thank you very much." "Are you watching this, guys?" "I've never actually seen someone commit professional suicide." "Keep watching." "Ooh!" "Please explain to me." "Gray Leverson's going positive." "I don't get it." "Hold on." "Smith, you seen this, mate?" "Turn it up." "'The takeover of Gray Leverson by the mega-cap Rubetron Group 'has seen their share prices rise by 15%, 'with further rises predicted before closing today." "'The CEO states that the deal will be accreted to EBS.'" "Look at the price." "I don't understand." "Everyone was so fucking sure." "Elfie." "Elfie!" "Yes, Mark?" "What are you doing?" "Well, now I'm selling." "Chris?" "Do you wanna explain what the fuck went down there?" "Course I heard the news." "No, that isn't what you fucking said!" "We've got 70K each on the fucking portfolios." "Hey, I'm finished." "I'll see you tomorrow." "How much did you make for us today?" "1.2 million." "You got any cigarettes?" "Max Stibbard's coming in on Friday." "He's, um... asked to meet our star trader." "Victoria?" "No..." "You." "He's very happy with the relationship." "So are we." "That's good." "Maybe he'll invest again." "Maybe." "You should take him out." "Show him that we're... fun." "Plus, Max is a sucker for beautiful women." "Do you have a problem with that?" "No." "Within reason." "Course." "People shouldn't underestimate you, should they?" "Miss Stonem." "No." "I should go." "Effy?" "Your cigarettes." "Friday." "OK." "What were you doing in there?" "Just thinking." "It's quiet." "You had a good day on the floor." "Yeah, I did." "Clever girl." "How did you know it was a takeover?" "Just a feeling, I guess." "Right." "A feeling." "I'll see you tomorrow." "No, you won't, actually." "I've decided to move on." "Why?" "Sick of wearing heels." "Good luck with that." "Yeah, good luck to you, too." "See you around." "I always liked it in there, too." "Victoria!" "Vic!" "Good evening, Deptford." "Is this still London?" "Fuck, that's awful." "This one or this one?" "What?" "Which dress?" "I'm trying to work here." "Work?" "Yes, it's my first gig tonight and you're supposed to be coming." "You were supposed to be coming to the doctor's too, but, hey..." "I'm sorry, it's a work thing." "If you say so." "I've got to go." "OK." "100,000." "Wow!" "I do like this." "Makes you look older." "Oh, well, thanks." "No, I mean you... you look good." "Are you here to baby-sit me?" "Don't you have somewhere else to be?" "I do." "He needs to see me, otherwise he's going to try and roll over you." "You make it sound like I'm going into a war zone." "Money is war." "I get it." "Good." "He needs to think that he's winning." "When, in fact... you are." "Am I?" "Easy, boss." "Mr Stibbard." "You know Jake Abassi?" "Call me Max, for fuck's sake." "Jake, how you doing?" "Max." "You know my associate Freddie?" "Yes, I've heard of you." "Too bloody right you have!" "How come all of Jake's traders are hot?" "All of ours look like diseased hamsters." "Well, on that appetising note, I have a dinner appointment." "I'll leave you to it." "Be nice, Max." "Oh, you can rely on it." "So, how do you two gentlemen feel about comedy?" "Bethnal Green!" "I've been Ben Tarrington!" "Thank you and fuck off!" "Thank you, Ben Tarrington!" "There you go." "Fantastic stuff." "Whoo!" "Thank you." "That was Ben there." "Ben, wonderful." "My wife doesn't like the anal sex, but I still make her do it to me anyway." "Um... so, time for the next act, ladies and gentlemen." "Next we have Naomi Campbell!" "So, er... where is she?" "Where's Naomi?" "Oh, there she is." "Er... put your hands together for Naomi Campbell!" "Is this your friend?" "Yeah!" "So, who here is from London?" "No-one?" "Oh, er... good." "Um... now I don't have to pretend to fucking like it here." "Um..." "I'm..." "I'm new to London." "CROWD MURMURING" "Um..." "I moved here with my girlfriend, er..." "Fucking dyke." "Um... yeah, I am, actually." "Um... so, London... no-one actually tells you what it's really like to live here, do they?" "I mean, Boris bikes?" "Am I the only one who thinks it's vaguely creepy that one man owns all the bikes?" "I mean, I'm..." "I'm riding along and all I can think is, isn't this pretty much like letting Boris finger you?" "You're shit!" "Ooh!" "Do you know what?" "Fuck you." "Fuck you and your small-dick complex." "Ooh!" "Shall we just go?" "No, I'm just starting to enjoy it now." "Loser!" "Fuck you all." "It really wasn't that bad." "Shut up, shut up, shut up." "Look, I need to go." "I'm going to kill myself." "Come on, funny girl." "You come and have a drink with us." "Ladies." "What the actual fuck?" "Please, please, Naomi." "Just keep your mouth shut and try and pretend to have a good time." "Who are they anyway?" "They're very important investors." "No more bets." "I just think it's weird, a job that involves making money and nothing else." "I..." "I make people happy." "You make people rich, that's all." "Fuck everyone else." "Naomi..." "Kiss it luck, girl." "Any more bets, please?" "How much is that?" " A grand." " No more bets." "Come on, come on, come on, come on." "Come on, come on." "Come on, come on." "Ah!" "29 black." "It's your fault, Naomi." "You were supposed to fucking kiss it." "Chips, sir." "OK, beautiful." "Now you show me how you win." "I think we're going to do great things, you and I." "With money?" "Of course." "No more bets, please." "I need to talk to you." "Hey!" "No, we need the talent at the table!" "What the fuck is this, Eff?" "What's wrong with you now?" "Why is he touching you?" "These are big investors, Naomi." "That's fucked." "Please tell me you can see that." "Yes, get in!" "Go home, Naomi." "I need to talk to you." "I have to go somewhere." "Not now." "I'm busy." "They're disgusting." "Why can't you see how disgusting they are?" "Go home, Naomi!" "Go." "Effy, get over here!" "Hey!" "A winner." "Let's see you do it again." "Naomi?" "Naomi!" "Naomi!" "Naomi!" "What the fuck are you doing?" "Turn it off!" "Naomi!" "Stop being so fucking mental!" "Turn it off now!" "Naomi, I'm fucking sick of this." "What is wrong with you?" "Got cancer." "What did you say?" "Cancer!" "OK?" "I've got fucking cancer!" "You win!" "You win again!" "Oh, my God." "Emily!" "Hi!" "She deserves to know what's going on." "I can't remember the figures ever being this low." "I need an Effy special." "Could you make that happen?" "I need you to tell me that this isn't as bad as I think it is." "Before you, I was fine, and now I'm fucking pathetic!"