"SOMNAMBULANCE" "Autumn 1944" "Eetla..." "My feet are wet." "Up to here." " What?" "I'm wet up to here." "Where are your things?" " Things." "What things?" "Your bag and suitcase and..." "The things you had with you?" "Did you leave them in the boat?" " Where was I supposed to put them?" "You told me to leave them." " I told you?" "I didn't tell you anything." "I wanted you to get away from here." "Did they give back the gold?" "The gold for the crossing fare?" " I have to take off my skirt." " Listen!" "Did they give you back the money?" " Me, why me?" "It was your gold, you were the one who paid." "I didn't have time to ask for it back, did I?" "They had already pulled out from the shore." "And you jumped into the water?" " Yes, I did." "So now what?" "You're going to stay here?" "You want to stay here?" "Why should I go to Sweden?" "Who's waiting for me there?" " Is someone waiting for you here?" " Of course not." "You'll see." "So let me." "Let me see something." "Anything!" " Why are you shouting?" " You're the one shouting." "I am not." "I'm talking very quietly." "I'm cold." "You understand?" "Put something on then." "Dry yourself off and go back to the shore." "Take it off, I don't want it." "Father!" "Father!" "They are long gone!" "That was the last boat!" "I'm not going anywhere." "That was the last boat." "I don't understand anything anymore." "When they come and get you, then..." "Listen!" "We can still escape." "I dreamed that we were going..." "Do you hear me?" "Don't start with that again." "And the boat came to meet us, came straight at us." "We ran along the coast, you and I." "We tried to run away, but it was still coming straight at us." "Mother said we shouldn't be afraid, the water is warm..." ""We are all going for a swim now"" "She said that all dogs who couldn't swim will be shot." "And one dog went under, staring at me like a human being..." "Eyes full of fear." "The dog's eyes." "I could not wait for it to drown." "The lapwings were screaming like mad..." "They seemed like lapwings but weren't really." "They were ducks but screeched like crows..." "I thought they were lapwings, that lapwings were screaming..." "Mother said of course they are lapwings." ""It's a time of mourning after all." "They are mourning"" "And I wanted to cry but couldn't..." "Wanted to scream with the lapwings... but no voice came, nothing came." "Couldn't breathe..." "I couldn't breathe, could not and..." "Do you hear me, I was choking!" "I couldn't just stay in that boat..." "Do you hear!" "?" "Eetla." "Open the door and come down." "Do you want to see them rape me?" "Raping me, is this what you want to see?" "They'll set the house on fire so you can see better." " Eetla!" "I am a female, after all, like mother was." "I heard everything, you know." " What was it this time then?" "Mother was screaming." "I remember only that, only how..." "I felt..." "I felt..." " Eetla!" " Mother screamed..." "I felt like something was growing..." "Sometimes I still feel it growing inside me, growing and growing..." "Eetla!" " You were there too and saw it." "You saw!" "I saw nothing!" " You saw and you heard..." "I didn't!" " Liar!" "I didn't!" " LIAR!" "I didn't hear!" " Liar!" "I didn't!" " Liar!" "You should put some iodine on that." " Stop staring." "You are the reason we're stuck here." "Mother wanted to leave way back then." "When?" "In your dream again?" "Dreaming or awake, what's the difference anyway?" "For you, there isn't one." "Not anymore." "What happened?" "Where's the horse?" "Where did you leave the horse, tell me!" "Did you go to the village?" " The shoe..." " What shoe?" " Mother's shoe!" "Out of her mind." "Do you speak Estonian?" "Do you?" "Can you hear me?" "Have you got some ID?" "Tell me!" "Bloody hell!" "Do you remember when uncles came here from Sweden, with their wives..." "You brewed some of your strong beer and everybody got drunk and laughed..." "So funny when everybody's dead drunk, isn't it..." "It was mother's last birthday as well." "I remember how she tore white feathers off her hands that night... and we watched her pulling all those feathers out of her sleeves." "She was sitting on her bed wearing her wedding dress... looking so beautiful." "Much prettier than in the wedding picture." "The dress was open in the front so her breasts were quite bare... like she was going to nurse a baby." "You asked why she was sitting there... with her bare breasts when there was no baby in sight." "Then mother laughed so strangely and asked..." ""What's the difference?" "It's all a dream anyway..."" "and you are too stupid to get it..."" "Then I had to go to the toilet... and I saw you all sleeping the, on the floor of the living room." "You and the uncles and their wives and..." "Only mother was missing." "She had gone upstairs to her room, the door was wide open... and she was lying on the bed, stark naked, wearing only her shoes." "The shoes the uncles had brought from Sweden for her birthday." "I kept looking at her." "Her skin seemed full of light... as if a candle were in her bladder, shining through her body." "Like there was a full moon." "Only the glow came from inside her." "And was terribly beautiful, her lying there like that..." "I could not help staring at her... and I knew there was nothing I could do..." "I had to look at her, I wanted to look at how she had spread her legs a bit." "Then mother opened her eyes and looked at me... as if she had known all along that I was staring at her... and asked if I thought her shoes were pretty." "Christ almighty, they're here." "You, clear off!" "Wait!" "If I get pregnant, by a general or two captains... what will people say?" "People in Sweden." "A boat will come for me so I can give birth in Sweden... so I must dress up for that." "Father won't come, the lighthouse is all that matters to him." "I have to go alone." "But I'll come back." "I'll jump in the water and swim back to the shore." "And father will be very angry and ask me where I left my things... and why did I leave the gold in the boat." "And then he'll my feet till they're blue." "He does that to all females who come back." "That is why no one returns." "I know that." "I saw them all going." "Going and going..." "Every single one of them." "And I shouted at them..." ""Where do you think you're going?" "Straight into the sea"" "And I thought I would never see another human being in my life... that I'll be alone, forever a virgin." "Let's go now." "They were quite sensible men." "Said nobody will be taken away." "Only active supporters will be punished." "We aren't supporters." "We are the lighthouse keepers." "They told us to keep watching our lighthouse." "They won't touch the women." "All rapists will be shot." "That's what they said - rapists and supporters will be shot." "Eetla!" "Eetla!" "Get down!" "Down!" "They burnt the boats..." "They burnt the boats..." "I saw it..." "The whole sea was burning." "I was in the tower at night and saw them do it." "Burned all the boats." "Didn't you see it?" "Give me some light." "Shit..." "He's going to bleed dry." "What do I dress it with?" "There's nothing here." "I've got a stocking." "Let me." "Wait!" "Pee on it, then dress it." "Pee!" "It doesn't matter who does it." "And make the bandage tight." "I can't..." "Yes you can..." "You must!" "Stop that cranking." "Come, come here." "Eat up." "The people in the jeep said nobody's allowed to the sea any more." "And the boats will be confiscated." "You'd better not look towards the sea at all." "They said that if you see something... like someone escaping in a boat, you must tell report them." "So the less you see, the better." "One man did all the talking and the others just stood there." "He asked me why I had not left." "This Juhansen..." "Now we've got this Kasper Juhansen..." "The same doctor mother used to see in that hospital in town..." "How do you know it's Juhansen?" "It's him alright." "I saw his papers..." "The same guy." "It was his leg you bandaged today." "With your mother's stocking..." "Juhansen." "The light's out." "What the hell!" "It's out!" "I'll shoot the bastard!" "Father!" "What are you doing?" "Wait!" "Wait, you can't." "You can't do this, father!" "You keep away!" "Get off!" "It's the goddamn gas!" "Give me some light!" "Give me some light!" "Do you hear me!" "?" "Here!" "And here!" "This is for wanting to rape me!" "For sleeping with my mother!" "For wanting to kill you, you bastard!" "For you wanting to kill yourself!" "You know, I dreamed that..." "Winter" "So, what are the voices saying?" "Well, did they say something?" " No." "No point in messing with the radio for your spying." "These are the last batteries." " What spying?" " You know what I mean." "They come and take you to your little wife." "That would be nice, wouldn't it?" " It would be very nice." "Father doesn't want you to smoke here." "Reminds him of my mother." "Mother started smoking when she returned from the hospital, from you." "One cigarette after another." "Didn't do a thing, just smoked and warmed her feet." "Father said it was low blood pressure that makes her feet so cold." "The pressure was low because of all that smoking... and smoking is due to nerves and nerves due to low blood pressure." "Mother never listened." "Sometimes said that it's no wonder her feet were cold... she lived by this gloomy sea and always ate fish." "She kept saying how she wanted sunshine and dry land... where people drank red wine." "For thirst!" "Not like here... where it's just communion wine, and even that's watered down." "Then she said...mother, I mean... that she had dreamed she was at a dried out salt lake... looking for the post office." "Wanted to send us a letter about how... she wasn't coming back here to gut fish and freeze." "That she could finally go where she wanted and she would do just that." "Father said it must be a nice place indeed... but won't she be bored, having everything she wants?" "Mother said she won't." "Started shaking her head." ""No, no, no"" "Then father shut up." "He knew what the head shaking meant." "And mother shut up as well." "Just sat there for a while and then said that... the only thing she would still miss is the squalling of the birds..." "She would only miss the screaming of the seagulls." "Somnambulance..." "The old man is back." "I'll write down where I found them and whose things these are." "The chimney bricks are the only things left in the village." "They sure know how to stoke a stove." "They've burnt down all the houses." "Steal them clean and then set them on fire." "Only the outhouses are still standing." "When people start coming back, they'll have nothing left." "Not even a roof." "If they come back." "Seven." "Of course they will." "This outrage will be over by spring." "In the autumn you said it'll be done by winter." "The winter is not over yet." "Twelve and some." "Did you have a look at the dinghy near the boat sheds... or will you wait until that's burnt as well?" " Twelve." "I'm not waiting for anything." "Maybe someone else here is." "If that someone wants the dinghy, let them come and ask me." " Then I'll go myself." " The one who needs it should go." "Kasper is not going on his own." "They might be spying on the beach." "There's nothing to spy on." "All the boats are gone." "Your boat is there." "Not anymore." " Where did it go?" " Doesn't matter." "And stop asking about the dinghy." "Let him go and look for it himself if he's so desperate." "I won't get far in this old thing." "Seal hunters cross over to Finland in dinghies all the time." " But I'm going to Sweden." " You'll go through Finland first." "Through Finland?" "They extradite refugees." "Why didn't you remain a doctor?" "You could still be a doctor and give advice to women." " What advice would I give them?" " Whatever they happen to need." "Mother told me about it." "Even the easy girls who worked the nights in the barracks... and then came to you to empty their wombs." "Even they remembered the doctor's hands." "You remember their faces, don't you?" " I don't." " Didn't you look at them?" "Not like that." "Then how did you look at them?" "Like a doctor." "Were they all the same down there?" "Yes, they were." "And yet, they weren't." " Can you remember any of them?" " Some." "Mother..." " She was..." " What was she?" "She was what she was..." "But she definitely was." "She was crazy." "Crazy about you." "What am I supposed to say to that?" "Nothing." "They were all crazy." "All your patients whose crotches you groped." "Falco tinnunculus..." "Nicely drawn." "And accurately as well, which is most important." "Kasper had a look at your cow." "It's time to take her to town." "He said if she doesn't want the bull now, she never will." " What did you say?" " I said to take the cow to town." "Right you are." "Maybe as soon as tomorrow?" "A long way for the animal to walk." "But there are no bulls nearby, so it can't really be helped." "Yes, you better go tomorrow." "And if she still won't have the bull... sell her for meat and buy new batteries for the radio." "And we're out of needles." "They're all in the stuffed birds and I can't get them out." "Well, enjoy the food!" "Thanks." "No news from Sweden yet?" " Silence." " It's the dinghy then." " Looks like it, yes." "Just mind you don't leave any traces near the lighthouse." "You can have my old skis." "Not the new skis, but the old ones are good enough." "Bless you." "And keep away from the girl." "Wait." "Lyon." "Strasbourg." "Antwerp." " Antwerp." " Odessa." " Yes." " Then comes Bratislava, Paris, Athens, Istanbul." " Stockholm." " Stop there, let's listen to that." "When mother left us and ran off with her officer... she said they were off to Sweden." "So if you meet her there, tell her that Eetla, her daughter... sends her regards, that she's still a virgin." "Tell her that the soldiers are already eyeing me up." "How long will I last like this?" "And make sure to tell her that..." "I didn't let you near me, however much you wanted to me." "Father thinks you've already had your way with me." "That's why he keeps his gun close by." "He'll shoot you if my belly starts swelling." "I hardly dare eat because of this." "That's why I want you to leave." "Before my patience runs out... and you force yourself on me and rough me up." "That's why father will shoot you..." "Because he can't stand blood." "That's why you'll kill each other." "I even had to shoot the dog because you two can't stand blood." "I want to tell you something." "Estland." "You see, when you leave..." "Kvinna." "When you leave and I stay behind alone, then..." "Legare." "Ventär." "Nordkappen." "I don't want to." "Damn it." "I can't hear, damn it!" "I don't want to." "I don't want to." "One of them is already lurking around here, the mute one..." "He'll be the first." "Against my will, and all the others after him..." "I don't want this, do you hear!" "?" "I don't want this!" "I'm not to be touched!" "Eetla!" " I am not to be touched!" " Please!" " Not now!" " Eetla!" "I don't want to!" "Do you hear me!" "?" "What are you thinking about?" "I'm thinking that..." "I don't really understand it." "What don't you understand?" " It doesn't matter, really." " What doesn't matter?" "What you said..." "What did I say?" "That you are a virgin..." "I'm not." "Not any more." "It does matter." " What?" "That I'm no longer a virgin." " You already weren't one." " Yesterday evening I still was." "No one has touched me..." "before you." "You didn't feel any pain, did you?" "Then he raped me..." " Who?" " That soldier, the mute one." "He called me a pretty girl." "Asked me to...you know what." "He wrote...first in the snow, then in the air..." "I read what he wrote." "He had a dog with him." "It wanted to tear me to pieces, but he locked the dog in the car." "Or else I would have killed that dog." "But this was afterwards." "Before I was hauling hay on to the cart, in the same barn where you were hiding." "I got so tired and I lay down on the hay." "I slept at once as if I had fainted." "The moment I closed my eyes I saw father coming home with the fish... and he told me to gut them." "But they weren't normal fish- they were half-animal and half-snake." "Like the ones that live in caves in the mud." "And they scattered around the lighthouse." "Father started shouting at me for letting the fish into the tower... where they'll smear the glass and then boats won't see their way." "But mother said they can't see it anyway." ""No one's coming here anymore." "We have been abandoned"" ""Let the fish live in the lighthouse." "At least we'll have some company"" "And she climbed up to the tower with the fish like a sleepwalker." "Father told me to go after her or she might fall down, the fish in tow." "I couldn't go because the tower was full of fish and I fell down... and then a big slimy one came and crawled between my legs." "I screamed "Father, help!"... but the thing, that fish, kept crawling." "Then I couldn't scream anymore, because I had no voice... the fish was already in my mouth, had come all through my body... through my intestines and gullet and I thought it would tear me apart." "But then I must have woken up, shivering with cold... and the strange dog was licking my bare thighs." "What are you staring at?" "Haven't seen it before, or what?" "Take a good look then." "You let the soldier rape me and now you stare at me." "Why weren't you the one to have me?" "Afraid of my father?" "Afraid of your wife?" "She's been sleeping around for ages now... with Finns and Swedes and God knows who else." "Nobody knows, not even you and you never will and that serves you right." "What do you want?" "Drink and go away." "D a n c e..." "Get lost." "Dance..." "Dance..." "Let go of me!" "Let go!" "Dance." "Let go!" "Kas..." "Kasper!" "Kasper!" "Hands up!" "Eetla!" "I don't like the theatre." "I said I can't stand the theatre." "Father can't either, because it's all lies and deceit and dirty tricks." "Mother was crazy for the theatre." "Imagine this, we were in Stockholm... mother and I, in the King's Theatre, watching that Nora or whatever." "The one who keeps crying about her old gray underwear." "The hall was small and narrow like in a cinema theatre... and the draught blew between your legs up to your thighs..." "As if a door had been left open." "Or a window." "I thought "Is this the best theatre the king can get?"" "We sat in the first row and the actors shouted and spat in our faces... their faces all painted and the wigs." "Disgusting." "And then suddenly, mother was on stage." "On all fours, behind Nora." "I nearly had a fit..." "She said she was Nora's old underwear..." "Said she's now an actor in the King's Theatre." "She was up there on the stage, on all fours, breasts hanging like a cow..." "Then she started yelling that she'd forgotten her lines... that she couldn't do this part." "She sank down between... those plywood chairs and kept howling and everybody stared." "Other women freezing in their folding chairs started howling as well..." "Whores..." "Stockholm whores..." "You wait here, I'll see how wide the gap is." "What's there to see?" "It's endless." "When I shout, you shout back." "When you can't hear shouting, fire the gun." "Don't waste the cartridges, fire one at a time." "Larus ridipundus." "Haematopus astralegus." "Where are you!" "?" "Kasper!" "Kasper!" "You bastard!" "Where are you!" "?" "Kasper!" "Kasper!" "Did you see him off?" "He got through then?" "The soldiers came here snooping." "One of them asked after you." "I said you were in town." "The cow's been mated." "Maybe she can be milked now." "Spring" "Gottfrid Ambrosen, lighthouse keeper." "The warden told me to wait here." "This is all there is." "I brought the cow." "She has a calf too but it's not born yet." "Come now, before they change their minds." "Wake up, we're home." "Do you hear me?" "Open your eyes." "Eetla, can you hear me?" "Listen to me!" "Everything's going to be all right." "You wake up, put on some dry clothes... then we'll go to the beach." "Count the eggs in the nests and..." "Tag the birds and..." "Listen to me." "You are listening, aren't you?" "Eetla, wake up." "Eetla!" "Open your eyes." "Where did mother go?" "Come-come, there's plenty of room." "The tea is getting cold." "And we have eggs." "She's taken her clothes." "There's bread." "No milk." "But I fried some fish yesterday." "Do you want some fish?" "She has taken her red striped stockings." "The laddered ones." "And her wedding dress." "What use are they now, I wonder?" "She gave them to you, so you could leave that place." " But I'm not wearing them." " They were left there, in pawn." " Where?" " Where we came from." "The church?" "They wouldn't have let you go otherwise." "Do you know what they did to me?" "Did you hide the gun?" " I did, yes." " And the radio?" " The radio is in the tower." "I heard in the morning that the war is over." "Why didn't you say that the radio was in the tower?" "I thought mother was up there again, fiddling with the radio... since her bed is empty." "Kasper could be up there as well." "Together with mother..." " What are you doing up there?" " Sleeping." " How long can you sleep?" " Just let me sleep." "People sleep at night." "What's it to you?" "Must I sit in the house, behind lock and key, like mother?" "What was it with mother, tell me!" "I'm telling you nothing." "It's time to forget, anyway." "What if I can't forget?" " You can, trust me!" " But if I can't..." "If it all comes back to me in my dreams!" "Eetla, wake up!" "I will..." "Mother's still here and Kasper too." "See!" "Look there!" "The female turns her back towards land." "They grab each other's legs with their talons and whirl downwards... letting go just before reaching the ground." "This is the "wedding flight", performed during the mating season." "Haliaetus albicilla..." "I'm taking these birds down." "If you want, I'll drown them." "Or shoot them to pieces... it's all the same to me." "Just tell me which you would prefer." "Drown or shoot to pieces." "Shoot myself to pieces as well." "Just say the word." "You think I'm crazy, off my head, that I don't understand anything." "I am not crazy." "And I am not a sleepwalker." "You were far more crazy and more of a sleepwalker." "That's why I am asking you now." "Tell me, you must know." "Mothers always talk to their daughters." "Even if they are whores." "What am I to do?" "I haven't had..." "How much time has passed, let me think..." "Two months..." "Three months..." "I haven't had a period since the time Kasper left." "Something is going on, surely." "Or maybe, it's from when they seized me and did it..." "I don't even know how many there were." "Some did it several times." "Maybe it's theirs." "Tell me..." "What?" "Can't hear..." "Can't hear..." "It was you who told me to..." "You told me to..." "When that bird flew at my legs, wings open..." "And I could not move..." "Then you told me to spread my legs." "Kasper wanted..." "And the mute, too." ""Pretty girl", he said..." "Tell me..." "Talk to me..." "Talk..." "Talk..." "What..." "What..." "What must I...?" "What must I do!" " Was that you?" " What?" "Screaming?" "Mother was screaming." " Now, at night?" " Yes." "Screamed in her sleep that the letter had got wet." " What letter?" " How should I know?" "It's her letter." "You didn't have a look then?" "I can't remember." "It was so dark in there that I could not see." " And that's why you screamed?" " I didn't scream, it was mother." "She had climbed into the boat, naked and..." "Kasper was there as well." "In the dream?" " Does it matter?" " Of course not." "Go to sleep now." "And don't disturb me while I sleep." "Kasper." "It is him..." "Kasper." "Are you in bed already?" "I brought you an egg." "Drink it and go back to sleep." "I'm putting it here, by the door." "Mind your step, it's dark." "Eetla!" "EETLA!" "Dance..." "Yes, I'll dance." "Wait." "Wait, I can't..." "I can't..." "Wait..." "Wait... wait, I can't." "Do you hear me, I can't..." "I CAN'T!" "Where are my birds?" "The ones hanging here..." "They must have flown away." "Where are my birds?" "Where are mother's clothes?" "And gold trinkets and the jewellery?" "They bought your release." "Those things?" "My release?" "They bought me my freedom." "I want my birds back!" "Why are you shouting?" "I'm not shouting, I am asking you." "Ask mother." "Mother said a long time ago that the stuffed birds made her sick..." "Dangling there on the string." "Trapped..." "And make her sick..." "Get away from here!" "Whores!" "Just get away." "To the theatre, opera." "Swim." "Or fly like the Dutchman did..." "I can't stand the Dutchman." "Comes through the ice, straight at you..." "Comes and pushes and pushes and pushes and keeps pushing... pushes till the cunt splits open." "Yes!" "Cunt!" "Yes, I mean cunt." "You are a whore and won't tell me how to talk." "I am one too." "And I'll say what I want and go where I want." "To Stockholm by boat." "I've got a ticket for the Flying Dutchman." "What more do you want?" "That I should stay here?" "Never again!" "Here?" "I've got a ticket to the first row...the Royal opera..." "A seat right next to the king." "And all of you..." "Stuffed whores... stare at me with envy, because I'm already in my third month." "And when it gets dark and the music starts up... the overture... then the king will place his hand on my belly and I'll whisper to him." "I lean towards him, like that." "Press my mouth against his ear... and whisper ever so gently, "Do you know it's my third month?"" "It really is." "I didn't dare tell father..." "I did not know what he might do to my child..." "Stuff it and hang it on a string to have a place to keep needles..." "And everything will start again..." "Father!" "Do you hear me!" "?" "Open up!" "Father!" "Open it!" "Do you hear me!" "?" "I'm sleeping." "I can't hear a thing..." "Do you hear me!" "?" "Father!" "See, mother, how beautiful it is here..." "Look, mother, look!" "We're having fireworks!" "Look now!" "We!" "You and I!" "Look!" "We are having..." "You and I..." "Two whores..." "The north-western coast of Estonia, summer 1945." "30,000 Estonians have crossed the sea to escape to Sweden." "Thousands more have perished in storms, in cold dark nights." "People flee everywhere, to America and Australia." "Those who stayed at home were arrested and there were mass deportations to Siberia." "There isn't a family left untouched by the war and 50 years of occupation." "Between 1939 and 1949, Estonia lost one fifth of its entire population." "#Above the clouds the sun is shining." "From up there the world seems so small#" "#Close your eyes and you know, the bad is over, only good remains#" "#Above the clouds the sun is shining, this I know#" "#When the sun is in your heart, then your heart is not small#" "#Let in all that's good, never remember what is bad#" "#Then you are the sun, warm and good#" "#When the sun is in your heart, then your heart is not small#" "#Let in all that's good, never remember what is bad#" "#Then you are the sun, warm and good." "You are the sun, warm and good##"