"[both laughing]" "I had such a lovely time at the King's ball." "Thank you for unfrogging me." "Excuse me while I slip into something more comfy-wumfy." "[smooches, exhales sharply]" "Mm." "No." "No." "No!" "No!" "I have to get out of here!" "He's waiting for me!" "[gasps] Why won't you open?" "'Cause I'm not made that way!" "What am I doing?" "You tell me." "This isn't the Chinatown bus." "You can't just choke someone who's sleeping." "Titus, I'm so sorry." "Why is your neck so greasy?" "I fell asleep eating a Hot Pocket." "Kimmy Schmidt, you are clearly repressing some stuff, and it is very unhealthy... for Titus!" " You need to talk to somebody." " Absolutely not." "What if you take a lover and you murder him in his sleep?" "Who are they gonna pin that on" "Rainbow Brite or gay Tiki Barber?" "I'm not taking a lover." "That's gross." "And I'm not ready." "I can't even do a dream date right." "Probably because you're bottling up the past!" "The past is not a root beer, Kimmy Schmidt." "I don't care." "I spent 15 years in that bunker eating beans out of a Florida Marlins cap." " The Marlins, Titus!" " [gasps] Ooh." "There, that noise, the way you're looking at me, like I'm a freak!" "Step right up and see the Mole Woman." "She made a pet cat out of dryer lint and a Gerschner's bag." "[gasps] Ooh." "It's not my fault." "People love hearing terrible details of news tragedies." "One, it's titillating like a horror movie." "Two, it makes them feel like a good person because they care about a stranger." "Three, it makes people feel safe that it did not happen to them." " Ugh." " This affects me too, you know!" "I need my beauty sleep." "I'm having my head shots taken today because my old ones are starting to feel a little dated." "Oh, yeah." "This time, I'm gonna keep it simple a suit, a tie, maybe hold a microphone so they know I can sing." "And that you can hold things." "And thanks to you, I finally have the money to do this right." " Oh, word up!" " Nope." "Write it down." "I just have to spend this money before Lillian knows I have it." "Why?" "We paid the rent." "Oh, it's always something with that woman the rent, the electric bill, the floor that got ruined when I fell asleep in her bathtub." "How was I supposed to turn the faucet off?" "I was asleep!" "But if she knows I have any money" "[Lilian] Morning, you two." "Hope I'm not interrupting anything." "Wink." "[laughs]" "So anybody want coffee?" "I'm off to an AA meeting." " No, thank you." " We're broke!" "Oh, yeah?" "Huh." "I'm going back to bed." "Just promise me you will try to find someone to talk to." "[♪ ♪ ♪]" "[Bankston] ♪ Unbreakable ♪" "♪ They alive, damn it ♪" "♪ It's a miracle ♪" "♪ Unbreakable ♪" "♪ They alive, damn it ♪" "♪ But females are strong as hell ♪" "♪ Unbreakable ♪" "♪ They alive, damn it ♪" "♪ It's a miracle ♪" "♪ Unbreakable ♪" "♪ They alive, damn it ♪ [speaking] That's gonna be, uh... you know, a fascinating transition." "[singers] ♪ Damn it ♪" "Oh, uh, Mrs. Voorhees." "Buckley just remembered that his family-tree project is due today." "Now, I found a bunch of stuff online about the Voorhees side." " We owned people." " We still do, honey." "But we weren't sure about your family." "Who, the Whites?" "They're normal." "This is your homework, Charles, not mine." "No, I'm sorry." "It's Buckley's homework." "But can you at least tell me where your family's from?" "Why can't my own parents understand?" "I just want to be somebody, like the women on my fashion magazines." "Why can't our fashion magazines be enough for you?" "Jackie Lynn, we didn't say anything when you died your hair and when you got blue contact lenses or even when you started saying things like" ""neato" and "tennis."" "It's how white people talk, Mom." "Oy, gevalt." " But Manhattan?" " I'm sorry." "But I don't want to live my whole life in Bear Creek, South Dakota." "It's 1992." "And nothing has changed in this country." "If you want to get anywhere, you need to be blonde and white." "But you're an Indian, Jackie Lynn." "God, Dad, saying "Indian" is offensive now." "Then what do you call sitting on the floor with your legs crossed?" "Crisscross applesauce." " We invented sitting like that." " Oh, that's insane." "I know you don't approve of what I'm doing, but you'll change your tune when I'm married to 1992's sexiest man alive, Nick Nolte." "Goodbye." "Or as white people say, "Later days... buddy."" "Later days... bud... dy." "[door opens, closes]" "Why does it matter where I'm from?" "It's where I'm going that counts." "Put that down." "Mrs. Voorhees, I'm worried about Abattoir." "I walk him twice a day, and he never goes to the bathroom." "Oh, they bred that out." "Someone's anus is purely decorative." "Yes, yes, yes. [kissing]" "Hey." "How's it going?" "Well, I'm failing third grade." "At least you're the biggest kid in your class." "[both laugh]" "Oh, Kimmy." "I don't think I have your cell number." "I wanted to call you last night because Buckley needed something and I had already taken my makeup off." "Um, I don't actually have a cell phone." "You don't have a cell phone?" "Well, I had a cell phone, Xan, obvs, but I lost it at the zoo." "A monkey took it, and she wouldn't give it back." "Yeah, Xan, the monkey was a woman." "Women can be anything these days." "Here, you can take one of my old cell phones." "Go to Verizon and have them switch out the SIM card and then get my contacts off the cloud." "Horizon... got it." "Wow." "Is this a Macintosh?" "What?" "Hey, I have a fun idea." "Let's do Kimmy's family tree." "We don't know anything about her." "Um, I don't really like talking about myself." "Oh, but can you?" "'Cause I actually don't even know your last name." "Smith." "Of course it is." "And you're from?" "Ohio." "No way!" "Where?" "My mom's from Shaker Heights." "The middle?" "Middle... town." "Damn it." "There's a Middletown, Ohio." "Of course there is, Xan." "And phones have maps of Ohio, and I knew both of those things before now." "[imitates gunshots] [mouths words]" "[Lilian] Hey." "Why are you so dressed up?" "In this neighborhood, dressed like that, someone might think you got money." "I'm not so sure I appreciate your tone, Lillian." "If this is about my mishap in the bath" "Titus." "My floor is warped." "All of my cats are piling up in one corner." "And if I had any money, I would give it to you, but I'm unemployed." "And Kimmy's backpack got stolen, and that gold tooth I tried to pawn turned out to be just a very yellow tooth." "Right." "So you're broke." "But you're walking around dressed up like a USC cornerback on draft day." "For your information, the reason I put this suit on is because I'm going... to a funeral." "I'm so sorry." "Oh, it was someone close." "Uh..." "Oh, you poor thing." "That's it." "I'm going with you." "[crying]" " Siri?" " [cell phone dings]" "[Siri] What can I help you with?" "I'm a Mole Woman." "That's messed up." "Well, I'm off to see Joyce, my therapist." " Oh, like a mental therapist?" " Mm-hmm." "Does it feel good to talk to her?" "Yes, although for my taste, it's a little too much penis." "Oh, sorry." "Freud." " And it's $500 an hour." " Oh." "Yeah, I-I just wish I had someone to talk to for free." "Oh, well, of course you're looking for someone to talk to." "I was just like you once." "Yes, you're shorter and have a much heavier step, like a tired, old man." "But I remember what it's like being all alone in New York." "So what's your plan?" "I mean, you have maybe four years of that youthful glow left." "After that, you'll be stuck marrying a primary care physician or one of those off-brand Kennedys." "I'm not looking to get married." "No, not right now, but the clock is ticking, Kimmy." "And I do happen to know all the richest bachelors in Manhattan." "Whom could you have lunch with today?" "Today?" "Like, for a date?" "[gasps] Grant Belden." "He's very available and fabulously wealthy." "He doesn't even work." "He could do lunch." "Um, I'm not sure I'm ready for a "date" date." "Oh, true." "You look like you slept in those clothes." "Well, go spruce up and meet him at Bistro Madison." "Just relax and be yourself." "Also, I've seen you eat, so don't." "Oh, yay!" "[man speaking Korean]" "I didn't know you had an elderly Korean friend." "Speaking of which, I think that Kim Jong Jr." "is doing a bang-up job." "What is that?" "I was asked to sing here... at the funeral... of my dear friend..." "Son Hae Sop." "I hope you sing one of those sad Boyz II Men songs." "They always remind me of all the homies I've lost." "[mouthing words]" "Okay." "I'm going on a date." "What kind of socks do you wear on a date?" "Idiot!" "You're going to a nice restaurant." "They probably have socks there." "I don't know how to do this." "I've never put on makeup in my life." "I don't think this is for me." "Ow." "Ow!" "Dang this fancy comb!" "[sultry voice] I think I'm gonna have the... steak." "All I wanted was someone to talk to." "Now I'm meeting some boy at a restaurant." "This is so wack!" "In the bunker, I was perfectly happy just talking to myself, like this." "I saw that in a movie once." "I know." "I was with you." "Oh, right." "Um, Grant Belden?" "No." "Oh, good." "I" "You're not Grant Belden." "I'm Grant Belden." "[speaking Korean]" "♪ Close your eyes ♪" "♪ Make a wish ♪" "♪ And blow out the candlelight ♪" "Boyz II Men." "Yeah, sing it, baby, man." "I miss you, homies." "♪ We're gonna celebrate ♪" "♪ All through the night ♪" "♪ I'll make love to you ♪" "♪ When you want me to ♪" "Oh, God, it's the wrong Boyz II Men song." "♪ Baby, all through the night ♪" "♪ I'll make love to you ♪" "♪ Like you want me to ♪" "♪ And I will not let go ♪" "♪ Till you tell me to ♪" "I'm not supposed to have ice cream." "Oh. [chuckles]" "I promise I won't tell." "Well, you're a pretty nurse." "Oh, that's nice, but I'm not a nurse." "I'm Kimmy, Jacqueline's friend." "Who?" "Kennedy?" "Give her my best." "Ah, Rexy." "Here you go!" "Good dog." "Oh, you're hungry today, aren't you?" "Good dog." "Mr. Belden, I don't know if I should tell you this, but there's no dog." "I don't know if I should tell you this, but I slept with my twin brother's wife." "I told her I was him. [laughs]" "She had no idea." "Shh, shh, shh." "So how's your ice cream?" "Cold!" "Oh, so cold." "The Krauts had us surrounded in Bastogne." "We nearly froze to death." "But we kept each other warm... any way we could." "When I was eight, I stole $5 from my mother's purse." "Yes, well, Mother could be strict." "But she always kept a pocket full of chocolate syrup for the wee ones." "I can tell you anything, can't I?" "I can talk to you, and you won't think I'm a freak, like Titus or that jerk Siri." "You won't even remember!" "Hot dog." "I'm a Mole Woman." "When we got to Dusseldorf, they made us shoot all the zoo animals." "I was kept underground for 15 years by an insane preacher." "I ate giraffe, and I liked it." "[Fern] Jackie Lynn." "I told you, it's Jacqueline now." "Jackie Lynn is a cheap stripper name." "Jacqueline is a classy stripper name." "Ehh." "Your father was elected chair of Tribal Council." "You really should come back to this year's Sun Dance." "Sundance?" "The film festival?" "I hear Kevin Smith has really outdone himself this time." "He's a hack." "And we're talking about the Lakota Sun Dance." "Jeez, Jackie Lynn, where is the morning star necklace that your grandmother made?" "I sold it." "I sold all my old trinkets so that I could own Manhattan, and it's working." "I'm a stewardess." "I'm dating a rich, older man, and I'm lying to him about my birth control." "Ay." "Aren't you happy for me?" "I'm actually succeeding here." "And someday I'll have enough money so you guys can come to New York and live with me." "We don't want to live in New York." "The littering here makes me cry." "I don't know you anymore." "Jac-que-line." "[speaking Lakota]" " _ - [Fern] That means you're supposed to think of other people, and you only care about yourself." "You've forgotten everything we taught you." "Yeah, well, some of the things you taught me were dumb, like using the whole buffalo." "Some parts just aren't good, guys, for example, the poop." "No one told you to use the poop." "Oh." "We wanted you to come back with us." "That's why we came all this way in the great iron eagle." "I'm kidding." "I know what planes are." "I was in the Air Force." "But... this feels like goodbye." "Fine." "If that's how you feel..." "Goodbye." "Sorry." "Grant and I just kept talking, and I don't have a watch, and then I realized my phone has a clock on it." "Where is Cupertino?" "So you two hit it off?" "We're actually having dinner tonight." "Well, not tonight, 3:00 pm." "I knew it!" "You know, at first, I was afraid, "Is he too old?" "Is it weird that all of his wives have been killed in boating accidents?"" "But then I thought," ""He has a floor-through apartment at 1134 Fifth Avenue." "You, sir, can kill me on a boat anytime."" "Oh, Charles, you're gonna have to take Buckley to lacrosse today." "Why?" "Because Kimmy has a second date." "Yay." "Sorry about that." "Well, I guess we're not all cute enough to get set up by Jacqueline." "Who is?" "What?" "Me is?" "Shut up." "Hello?" "Hello, hello?" "[chuckles]" "Why are you so weird?" "Why am I rubber and you're glue?" "You're going on another date with Grant Belden?" "That dude's, like, older than rocks, and he fought in some war with Germany, the guys from soccer." "Why would you ever go out with him?" "Why do you care?" "Step off, Xan." ""Step off"?" "Every time you open your mouth, I get one step closer to figuring out what your deal is." "And then this is all over." "Sometimes the Reverend would tie our hair together." "He called it a "braidipede."" "Once, I surrendered to what turned out to be a statue." "Do you think going through something like that a war or whatever makes you a better person?" "Or deep down, does it just make you bitter and angry?" "No!" "Rexy, put it down!" "Drop it!" "I choked my roommate in my sleep this morning." "And I didn't tell him this, but the other day," "I woke up in the shower, cleaning a knife." "What had I done with it?" "Do I ever get to be normal again?" "This soup is freezing!" "I don't think this is working." "What the living hell is this?" "It's not enough just to say things out loud." "I need someone I can talk with." "You may as well be that old volleyball I drew a face on." "Wilson, from Cast Away?" "More nonsense." "Look, you're a very nice man, but you're not gonna be the person I can talk to about the bunker." "The bunker?" "[gasps]" "How do you know about that?" "No." "No, no." "Different bunker." "I swore I'd take that secret to my grave, and I did!" "But then I clawed my way out, and I still kept it." "Oh, who are you?" "Mr. Belden, I'm Kimmy Schmidt." "Schmidt!" " You're a German spy." " No." "I know a Kraut posing as a French prostitute when I see one." ""Prostitute"? "French"?" "I'm an American." "Oh, all right, American." "What was the batting order of the 1938 Yankees?" "Oh, who would know that?" "Not you, you hooker!" "Aah!" "Wha..." "Oh!" "God!" "[Grant] Batting fourth, Joe DiMaggio, fifth, the Iron Horse, Lou Gehrig," "Bill Dickey, Joe Gordon." " Mm, Mrs. Voorhees?" " Hi." "Thank you." "I am." "Just getting a run in 'cause I only worked out twice today." "Wait." "Where's Grant?" "Don't talk to her, Mrs. Roosevelt!" "She's a spy!" "He thinks he's in the war." "I'm trying to lure him back home, so he'll be safe." "I though this might happen." "At the Met Ball last year, he punched Blake Lively because she said "gesundheit."" "Grenade!" " Maybe I can help." " Ow." "I did pick up some German during my stewardess days." "_" "_" "Well, that's not Eleanor Roosevelt." "It's a spy with the same sweet caboose." "Aah!" "That was humiliating!" "And I wish I knew what "heu-geen-babo" means." "_" "Man, you really don't want to pay me, do you?" "Lillian, I told you, I'm broke!" "Liar." "I saw you yesterday." "I was doing my exercises, and as you know, my floor suffered some water damage." "Son of a... [gasps] [laughing]" "Gay Judas!" "[gasps] [both] I can't believe you!" "Here, take it." "It doesn't matter anyway." "Thanks to your shenanigans," "I missed my head shot appointment." "Wait." "Head shots?" "Really?" "I figured the money was for something weird, like Barbie shoes." "Barbie shoes aren't weird, Lillian!" "Hoarding newspapers is weird." "Wrong." "Buying end tables is weird when you got newspapers." "Eh, here, take the money." "What?" "Why?" "Oh, God, are you dying?" "I knew it." "You look horrible." "Titus... you need to share your talent." "Thank you, Lillian." "You know what?" "When I win my Tony Award, you'll be the first person I... [man] Nice suit, money bags!" "Oh, no!" "Oh!" "For that to happen on the day that we buried Son Hae Sop." "It's too bad about Grant." "Deep down, he really is a wonderful apartment." "Can you speed him up again?" "_" "That's a lie!" "Oh." "It's so big, he's in a wheelchair." "Kimmy, I apologize for this." "It's okay." "It was probably dumb of me to think that anyone in New York City would get what I've been through." "You know, Ohio." "Being single in New York is sheer torture." "Torture?" "I'll talk!" "The invasion is planned for Normandy." "[doorman] Sir?" "Mr. Belden, this way." "Oh, I went outside today. [chuckles]" "Jacqueline, we have a problem." "How far along are you?" "We'll say Kimmy's the mom." "I'm not pregnant." "This woman has the keys to our house, and we don't even know who she is." "Kimmy Smith from Middletown, Ohio," "I've been Googling you." "You have?" "I didn't feel it." "God, everything you say is insane." "I can't find anything out about you online." "Anything." "Is Kimmy Smith even your real name?" "Xanthippe Lannister Voorhees, how about you mind your own damn business?" "Women have secrets, okay?" "Who knows what Kimmy had to do to get here." "Maybe she was a hooker." "Okay, is this how prostitutes dress nowadays?" "Admit that that was a weird thing to say." "No." "Her past doesn't matter." "People come to New York and start new lives, and it gets complicated." "And you, of all people, don't get to judge her." "Your greatest accomplishment in life is pulling off that lipstick, which you have to let me borrow." "It looks awesome." "Now, take your spoiled ass upstairs and go to your rooms." "This is bullying, you know." "I'm being bullied, and I'm not even fat!" "White people... am I right?" " Hey." " Hey." "Sorry you had to cover for me." "It was not worth it." "My date tried to kill me with a pine cone." "Yeah." "Yeah, sure." "We've all been there." " Oh." " [chuckles]" "Uh, Buckley's lacrosse was actually fun." "He kept getting nailed by the ball." "And I know it's wrong, but, oh, man, it was so satisfying." "So... um... maybe tomorrow I'll go with you, you know, just keep you company." "Okay." "Sure." "Later, gator." "[speaking Lakota] _" "Buddy." "[clears throat]"