"Hi." "I'm Jake Sibley." "That's my family and that's our home in good old Dayton, Ohio." "My life was terrific until my dad got this job in England and took us all with him to the other side of the world." "See my mom and my dad and my sister keep telling me how great it is here." "But I don't get it." "Any place where they drive on the wrong side of the road, play all the wrong sports, and it rains all the time can't be that great." "The truth is I'd like to go home." "Here's to another beautiful day." "What are you up to, Sarah?" " We're going on a field trip today." "Oh, that's nice." "I wish Jake would go on a field trip or something." "Any trip to the USA, Jake would be out of here like a shot." "Good morning Jake." "Straighten your tie dear." "Why do I have to dress like this?" "I mean, I feel like I park cars for a living." "Oh, come on, it's not that bad." "All your friends have to wear uniforms." "All my friends live in Dayton, Ohio dad." "I don't know anyone here yet." "And if I did they wouldn't know that the Yankees are playing a double header against the Indians today." "And if I told them they wouldn't care." "I don't have any friends here and I never will." "Well, you know Fiona Penwarden." "Or you'd like to." "Shut up, Sarah." "Don't you talk to your sister like that." "Now who is Fiona Penwarden?" "She's some girl who lives down on the corner, I don't even know her." "I've seen her twice." "He means stared at her." "He was practically drooling." "He wants to ask her to the dance next Saturday." "But he's too scared." "You know, an accident can be arranged." "You were never shy before, Jake." "I never lived in England before, dad." "I mean, if you haven't noticed, they do things differently here." "It's all coats and ties and I'm terribly terribly pleased to meet you." "And even if I did talk to her she'd probably think I was a total nerd." "No way, people aren't that different here." "Hey, did this phone ring?" "Huh?" "Watch my mouth:" "Did this phone ring?" "No." "No, it didn't." "No hold on, why shouldn't she like you?" "You're a good looking boy." " Yeugh." "Mom, she's much too classy for him." "You know, I'd like to stay at this table and get picked on for another hour or two, really I would." "But I don't want to find out what happens to you if you're late for school." "I think they'll probably beat me with a stick." "Have a nice day, dear." "Jake..." "Why don't you just ask the girl?" " What if she says no, dad?" "Well that's better than not knowing." "And she might say yes." "Look, you just got to join in with life here a bit more." "It's an adventure." "Take some risks." "What have you got to lose?" "Thanks dad." "Take some risks." "What have I got to lose?" "Oh, just total humiliation." "My life." "You know, that sort of thing." "Fiona Penwarden." "That's her." "Alright, stay cool Jake." "Just relax, just stay calm." "Hold it out, lad." "Keep it steady!" "Help me up then lad, don't just stand there." "I told you to hold that thing steady." "You've ruined a perfectly good second hand tabbard." "What's going on?" "What am I doing here?" "People on quests don't ask questions like that." "What did you do that for?" "Good question." "Bright lad." "Well, it's tradition, I suppose." "I'm obliged to if you answer back." "What if I don't answer back?" "You always do." "Pages always answer back, otherwise it's considered dumb insolence." "You're not being dumb and insolent are you?" " Good lad, well done." " Thank you." "They always do." "Right, now this quest..." "Aren't you going to ask me what quest?" "It's alright to talk if I ask you to." " Ah, okay." " Sometimes." "Right, off we go." "I have here a love letter from prince Kevin the Rich." "He thought he might not be rich enough to land this very rich princess so he's gone off on a crusade or two, and gave me this proposal of marriage." "We must brave many hazards, dragons and so on, to deliver it to his beloved, the princess Yeugh." "That is our quest." "Our quest?" "No, no no no." "I'm not on a quest," "I'm not even a page, I shouldn't even be here." "Stop." "The rules of questing subsection B, pages, says:" "Rule one." "Until the quest is finished, no page may claim that he is not a page, not on a quest, or should be somewhere else, on pain of dismemberment." "Rule two is exactly the same, only slightly more cruel." "I once had a page who claimed that he was from another century." "Oh yeah, what happened to him?" "Burned at the stake." "Heresy, I think it was." "Great." "So tell me about this princess Yeugh." "I mean she sounds kind of horrible." "She's called Yeugh because her parents thought it would be character forming." "But she is ludicrously rich, and also a princess, and therefore, pretty." "But I expect she is the usual curvaceous blonde, with pert, shapely..." "things, and so on and so on." "Come in!" "What do you mean, come in, we can't come in, we're all out." "Well, if we're all out, I'm not in." "Good day to you." "Damn, damn." "Oh, damn." "Oh, sorry about all that." "Have a nice day." "I wonder what that was all about." "Witches don't usually appear for nothing." "Oh, I nearly forgot." "Had a note for you." "Got burnt." "It just said, beware." "Well that's not particularly useful is it." "Didn't it even say when we had to beware?" "Only beware, beware!" "Even more stupid than I thought." "Right." "Now for this dragon." " Dragons don't exist." " Quite right lad." "Dragons is a metaphor for some unspeakable horror." "The road to the castle should cross the stream round about here." "I think there is a troll bridge." " Will we have to pay?" " Right, that's it." "I'm not going any further with you." " Why?" "What did I do?" "That was a blatant attempt at a pun, the second lowest form of wit." "You heard perfectly well it is a bridge guarded by a troll, not a toll bridge." "I won't move any further until you've apologized." " I'm sorry." " Right." "So what is a troll anyway?" "Well, it's a sort of huge, pointy, fierce, hairy, slimy greenish uncooperative entity which eats people." "Smaller people." "Anyone under five foot eleven." " That's, that's very specific." " They are." "But that's no more than you not liking eggplant." "Do you like eggplant?" " No way." "Well there you are then." "How tall are you?" "Five ten and a half with shoes." "Shoes don't count." "Wait a second, so if I try to cross this bridge, this thing is going to eat me?" "Unless we distract it in some way." "Don't worry, I have a plan." "Look out, there's someone behind you." "Aha!" "What a life." "I've been knocking people in this river and eating them for twenty eight, no, thirty years." "And what do I get?" ""Look out, there's someone behind you."" "There must be more to life than this." "He kind of sounds like my father." "Middle age, I suppose." "It's only a phase." "So how do we get around him?" "You should know that." "Distract him." "Wait, I thought you had a plan." "That's it." "Off you go, you can do it." "Good plan, real good plan there." "I die, you watch." "Good morning." "Are you talking to me?" "Yeah." "You know, I thought there was supposed to be a troll around here or something." "Oh really?" "He must have gone." "You know, I really like your shirt." " Shirt?" " Your shirt, it's brilliant." " What, this?" " Yeah." "It's trendy." "Did you get that around here?" "No." "I've had it for years." "No kidding." "And who does your hair?" "What do you mean?" "Well I mean, it's awesome." "What do you mean, "it's awesome"?" "I mean it's spiky, and it looks good." "No...!" "Do you really think so?" "Yeah, really." "Do you get I cut around here?" "No, no, it just grows like this." "You are so lucky, I could never do that with my hair." "Well, it is different." "Different?" "Your hair is fantastic." "Well, yes, I suppose it is a bit fantastic, yes." "It is certainly the best hair in the forest, yeah." "Yeah, I think you got something there." "Trendy, hey?" "Fancy that." "You are a nice young man." " Well done!" " I did it, didn't I?" "Now, things begin to get tricky." "Look out, behind you." "Look, I'm not talking about other centuries, it's just that, you know, I came from some place else, and I'd like to get back there." "Me too, but I can't tell you any more, wouldn't be sufficiently intriguing." "Now these quests usually end in success, right, I mean, you know, knights and pages don't usually get killed?" "No no." "Might lose the odd limb or two, but..." "Ah, there's an inn, they should be able to direct us." "Landlord!" " No!" "Can you tell us the whereabouts of castle Grede?" " Never heard of it." " No." "No." "There ain't no castle of that name 'round here." "You take my advice, you steer well clear of it." "Even if there was." "This nonexistant castle, would it be about a mile away?" "No!" "That's where it would be, if it were there." "If this castle was there, it wouldn't be dangerous, would it?" "Well, some people do say as scores of princes have been up there, suitors to princess Yeugh, and none of them has never come back." "They was eaten by the metaphor." "Excuse me, may we be of some help?" "Lobsters?" "Don't be so prejudiced." "We're only touring ourselves, but we do have a map." "It's very detailed you know." "Well, it needs to be, for cycling." "Excuse me I hope you don't mind me asking, but are either of you two princes?" " No." " No?" "Pity." "They won't let you in then." "Wait, we have to see the princess Yeugh." "I mean now will they know we're not princes?" "Torture." "Though why anyone would want to see her I'm afraid I just don't know." "I'm told facially, she has got about as much going for her as the average prawn." "I thought you said she was great looking." "Chivalry." "Thank you." "Right, now for this castle." "There it is." "Perhaps now you'll trust lobsters." "Lovely hat, only one orner." "No thanks, I'm quite fond of the one I have, thank you." "Grab jewels, special offer!" "Play a song for the princess, sir!" "Best flowers, duckie?" "Not just now, but they are very nice." "Last will and testament." "Last will and testament." "Ah, it's clearly one of your fearsome metaphors." "We'd like to see the princess Yeugh." "Are you princes?" " No, but eh..." " Then push off!" "You know, that coat looks fantastic on you." "And so it does." "I've been thinking." "You've been a very good page." "I ought to reward you." "I've decided to allow you to complete this quest." "Why me, is it dangerous?" "Of course it's dangerous, it's a quest." "Can't become a knight until you've completed a quest or two." " That was very good." " I am a knight." "Right." "Climb this, find the princess, and read this to her." "Good luck." "No, you don't understand, I failed P.E. I cannot do that." "You could with encouragement." "What, wait a second, what are you doing, I can't do this." " You see, it's not so hard." " Then you do it." "This never would have happened if I would have stayed in America." "I've got five of his shirts in soak, it's that new iron maiden, you get much more splashing then you get with the old ones." "Don't I know it, we've got three, it spurts everywhere." "Still, it's more of a deterrent, isn't it." "We've got four new dungeons, really nice." "Ever so cramped and damp, and smelly and slimy, and they've been built with racks en suite." "Our eight new dungeons with racks en suite will have especially imported Sicilian slime." "Oh absolutely, we have Sicilian slime pumped through to all our dungeons." "Don't know how to cope without it." "Sorry love." "Got to be a little bit late for lunch." "Got an emergency rack job on." "Hello mrs." "Gantlet, how's Buddy then?" "Busy?" "Up to his knees in eyeballs." "Still, musn't grumble." "Not when the work's coming in." "Who's on the rack?" "Some git they found wandering through the castle." "Said he'd lost his way." "I said, pull the other leg, I'm going to stretch both of yours." " What's that all about?" " I don't know, but they worry me." "Right lad, now for the big one." "Beryl, we've got another one." "Oh no, the bin's full up." "Oh prod it down a bit and sit on the lid." "Their majesties will be with you presently." "No, no, I just came to leave a note." "I thought that last one was showing a little promise until he allowed himself to be strewn all over the room like that." " Good evening." " Ah, there you are." " Good afternoon." " Hello." " Good evening." " Open wide." " What?" " Open your mouth wide." "Oh dear." "Two and a quarter." "A bit generous I'm afraid." " Generous?" " Yes, scarcely greedy at all." "It's on the borderline." "Never mind." "We'll allow you to carry on." " Good evening." " Now then." "Let me explain the procedures of courtship for all the princes." "No, see, you don't understand, I'm not a..." "Be quiet." "I'm expounding my theory." "Good evening." "Now you see, we are ludicrously rich." "Certainly the greediest people in the kingdom." "My wife is so greedy that she restricts herself to the use of only two words, "good evening"." "Because she is terrified of giving anything away." " Good evening." " There you go." "Now I've been making a scientific study of family trees." "In all the wealthiest families, if the two partners are greedy, then their offspring are greedy." "But if one of the partners is even slightly generous, then three out of the four children will be wanton spendthrifts." "Good evening!" "So to protect the wealth of our children's children, we've let it be known that my daughter is physically repellent." "This is to encourage the right type." "Now if they pass the mean mouth test, then it's on to the final, where they have to be greedy enough to overcome extreme fear." "Extreme fear?" " Good day." " Good evening." "But I'm not a prince." "Hello?" "Hello?" "Princess Yeugh?" "Yes." "You must be the prince." "Oh!" "Oh!" "I have ehm ehm, something to read to you." "Oh!" "I don't need this." "If it would made any sense, it would say that you're the most beautiful girl ever." "I've never met anyone like you." "A guy would risk anything for you." "Oh lovely!" "Mummy, daddy!" "I think this may be the one." "Alright, here they come darling." "Here come the wolves." " The wolves?" " Daddy's pets." "He says a true prince won't mind them a bit." " But I'm not a prince." " Not a prince?" "No." "And the message I brought you was from prince Kevin the Rich." "I mean, I'm just Jake Sibley from Dayton, Ohio." "And I'm not rich." " Not rich?" "Oh bother." "I've just fallen in love for the first time." "Oh spit." "Jake!" "Help!" "Hurry!" "Boy am I glad to see you!" "Well done lad, you did it!" "I did?" "Does this mean the quest is over?" "There's always another quest." "Another quest?" "Oh!" "Right!" "I've got to take the risk." "I mean what do I have to lose?" "Wait!" "Hi." "My name is Jake Sibley," "I moved in to the house from America." "I was wondering if you'd like to go to the school dance with me on Satuday night." " I'd be delighted." " Really?" "I've got to dash, or I'll be late." "See you later."