"?" "I'm goin' down to South Park?" "?" "Gonna have myself a time?" "?" "Friendly faces everywhere?" "?" "Humble folks without temptation?" "?" "Goin' down to South Park?" "?" "Gonna leave my woes behind?" "?" "Ample parking day or night?" "?" "People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor"?" "?" "Headed on up to South Park?" "?" "Gonna see if I can't unwind?" "?" "So come on down to South Park?" "?" "And meet some friends of mine.?" "Dude, what are we going to do for New Year's Eve?" "It has to be awesome." "I know." "It's probably going to be the biggest night of our lives." "You guys, you guys." "Guess what." "What, fat ass?" "I've become a man." "I started puberty, you guys." "Huh?" "No, you didn't." "Yes, I really did." "How do you know?" "Well, because yesterday," "I got my period." "You got your what?" "My period, you guys." "You see, there comes a time in every child's life when they grow up, and nature starts to takes it's course by having you bleed out of your ass for a few days every month." "You're making that up." "Ms. Alton, what's it mean to get a period?" "Well, boys, I don't think I can tell you, uh..." "Please, it's important." "Well, it's when puberty hits, and you bleed." "You know, down there." "Holy, dude." "Cartman's right." "Well, guys, I'm afraid I won't be able to hang out with you on New Year's Eve." "I have to hang out with the older crowd because now..." "I'm mature." "?" "I got my period and you guys didn't?" "?" "I got my period?" "?" "And you guys didn't.?" "Dude, Cartman can't hit puberty before us." "Well, maybe we'll get ours soon, too." "I'm going to go see if I'm bleeding out my ass." "Me, too." "In local news, a stomach virus is going around that is causing bleeding of the colon in some small children." "Doctors are telling parents that the virus is nothing to worry about and that the infections can be dealt with with simple antibiotics." "Well, it's just four days until New Year's Eve 1999." "The new millennium is almost upon us, and all over the world, people have started to celebrate by dancing, singing, and killing one another." "But probably the biggest event of the millennium is one happening in South Park, Colorado, where people have gathered for a chance to see Jesus Christ." "Craig Netzel is Standing by." "Thanks, Tom." "It is indeed four days until the new millennium and hundreds, if not thousands, of people have come from all over the world seeking Jesus... here at his house in South Park." "Everyone is giddy with anticipation for Jesus to come out because, as we all know, if Jesus comes out of his house and is not scared by his shadow, it means the next thousand years will be full of peace and love." "Oh, it looks like Jesus might be coming out." "Oh, look, Tommy, there he is." "Can you see him?" "He's neat, Mommy." "Everyone is quiet here, Tom." "Looks like the little fella's a bit nervous." "But he has taken another step out, Tom." "This is great news for us." "Um, what are you people doing?" "Can I help you with something?" "Well, it's the millennium, Jesus." "Uh-huh." "Well... it's the millennium." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Right." "So, what happens at the millennium?" "I don't know." "We thought you did." "Yeah, you're supposed to know." "Yeah." "Yeah, you're Jesus." "Hey." "Oh." "Well..." "Yea, believe in me and ye shall find peace." "Yeah, yeah, yeah, we've heard that crap for about 2,000 years now." "We want to hear something new." "It's the year 2000 for Christ's sake." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Well, what do you want?" "We want to see God." "Yeah, with our own eyes." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Yeah." "We've followed blindly for thousands of years and we think the least God can do is show up for New Year's Eve 1999." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Oh, uh, let me think about that for a minute." "Is that good?" "I don't know." "I don't know." "Is that good or no?" "Hello?" "Dude, did you get your period yet?" "No, there's no blood coming out of my ass." "Mine either, but I double-checked and Cartman was right." "Your period is the start of puberty." "Well, if Cartman is the only one who gets it, and he thinks he's too grown up to hang out with us on New Year's Eve, then screw him anyways." "Yeah!" "Come on Cartman, we have to make plans for New Year's." "Hold your horses, guys." "This is very important for mature people." "Let's see." ""Offers complete protection during heavy flow. " Hmm." "Let's see: "Maximum stoppage of vaginal chunks. "" "Ooh, this one's got wings, you guys." "You did?" "!" "You got your period too, Kenny?" "Well, welcome to the club, Kenny." "You got your period, so now you're a man." "We can hang out together on New Year's Eve." "But first, you need to buy some maxi-pads to stuff in the back of your pants so you don't get blood on your underwear." "NETZEL Tom, it looked for a second as if Jesus was going to come out of his house, but then he went back inside." "But meanwhile, more and more people are showing up to show their support for Jesus." "Well, the way I see it, if He really is who He says He is well, then He'd better do something on New Year's Eve, 'cause it's in the Bible." "Father, I need to talk to you." "Please, Father, appear to me." "What is it, my child?" "Father, everyone is starting to pay attention to me again because of the new millennium." "I'm kind of making a comeback." "Yea, like John Travolta before you, you're experiencing a second revival." "It's the millennium, Father." "People want to see you." "Nay, their eyes are not yet prepared to see the likes of me." "But, Dad, I think this may be my one big shot at a comeback." "Be ye careful of pride, Jesus." "Just make an appearance." "You can come down, say hi to a few people and can be back by 12:30." "I'm sorry, my son, but if you want to earn everyone's love, you will have to do it yourself." "Ike, can I talk to you?" "Uh, uff, diffint." "Ike, I don't know what to do." "All the guys are getting their periods, and I don't think I am." "I can't be the last one to get it, I just can't." "Vo-vo, teary." "Cartman got his, then Kenny." "What if, tomorrow, Stan says he got his and I'm left out?" "I might not even get to be their friend anymore." "No, mertur sugar." "Murgy, Mickey Mouse." "Taggit dog." "Yeah!" "I could justsay I got my period." "It's not like they'll check." "I can just say I got my period 'cause I really will get it someday." "It's not really lying." "It's just jumping the gun a little." "Koo-koo mutter." "Thanks a lot, Ike." "So you guys aren't gonna spend New Year's Eve with us?" "Look, Kenny and I are mature now." "We can't spend New Year's Eve with a couple of kids." "Did you get your maxi-pads, Kenny?" "Tampon?" "What's a tampon?" "Ooh, doesn't that hurt?" "A little." "You guys, I got my period, too!" "Wow, cool." "You did?" "Yeah." "I was just hanging out in my room, and then I period-ed all over the place." "All right!" "You have to be in me and Kenny's club, then." "My mom gave me this" ""Women Who Run With the Wolves" book, and I'm finding out all about our Goddess powers." "Awesome!" "We get powers?" "Yeah, come on." "We can set up everything in my clubhouse and get ready for New Year's Eve." "Hey, don't feel bad, Stan." "Some of us just mature a little later than others." ""Are you there, God?" "It's me, Stan." ""If you wouldn't mind, I don't want to be the only kid" ""who doesn't get his period before the new year." ""Could you speed up my development a little?" "Thanks, God." "Your friend, Stan. "" ""Are you there, God?" "It's me, Jesus." ""I feel like I've got a real shot at a comeback, God." ""For whatever reason, people are starting to follow me again." ""I'm 2,000 years old, but I feel like I'm 28 again." ""I think I'm going to win everybody back" ""because I just made a few phone calls," ""and I'm going to put on" ""the most amazing New Year's spectacle this world has ever seen!"" "Good morning, South Park." "It's 8 a. m. and only two more days until the new millennium." "Dammit." "Dammit, dammit, dammit!" "Stanley, honey, what's the matter?" "I'm not bleeding out of my ass!" "Well... that's good, honey." "No, it's not, it's terrible!" "Are you there, God?" "It's me, Stan." "How come you didn't help me?" "I know you're really busy with things, but this is a matter of life and death." "If I don't get my period, my friends won't let me hang out with them on New Year's Eve." "Please, please give me my period soon." "Here he comes." "He's coming out." "I've given it much thought, my children, and you are right." "After reviewing the Bible, it does indeed say that something very big is going to happen at the millennium." "I have spoken to my father in heaven, and he agreed that the millennium is significant to all of us." "And ye who believe in me shall be rewarded!" "So what we're gonna do tomorrow night" "New Year's Eve 1999- we just got Rod Stewart to agree to play a comeback concert at the Rio Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas, and you're all going!" "We knew you could do it, Jesus." "I better book my ass a flight to Vegas." "?" "For He is Savior, for He is Lord?" "?" "He gives me hope when I have only been bored?" "?" "And He lifts me up with His gentle arms...?" "Okay, is everyone accounted for?" "Goddess Wind?" "Here." "Goddess Moon?" "Goddess Moon!" "And I'm here," "Goddess Earthly Delight." "So this is the first meeting of our club for teens who have gotten their periods." "We're supposed to talk about our periods and boys." "Let's talk about boys first." "I think Craig is pretty cool, but I don't think Clyde is very cool." "I think Clyde is kind of cool, but Craig is definitely cooler than Clyde." "Okay, that settles that." "Now let's talk about our periods." "Kyle, you first." "Oh, uh... um..." "What's the matter, Kyle?" "Nothing." "Um... my period is really, uh..." "Uh, my period is going swimmingly." "Okay, that makes sense." "Mine's going swimmingly, too." "Mine, too." "Whew." "Oh, hello, Stan." "Hey, Chef." "How's it going?" "Bad." "Why bad?" "Can I come in?" "Well, sure." "Now what's the matter, little cracker?" "Chef, I have this friend, see... and this person is really bummed out because everyone else the same age has gotten their period, and this person hasn't." "Oh, you're talking about your older sister Shelly." "No." "Your little girlfriend, Wendy." "Look, it doesn't matter who it is." "The point is that everyone else got their period, and this person hasn't." "Look, Stan, do you really know what a period is?" "Yeah, Cartman told us." "Stan, let me sing you a little song about the menstrual cycle." "I think it might clear things up for you." "Okay." "?" "Ooh, baby, yeah, baby, ooh, baby?" "?" "Yeah, baby, yeah, baby, now, baby?" "?" "Ooh, yeah, yes, yes, baby?" "?" "Yeah, yeah, yeah, uh-huh, baby?" "?" "Aw, aw, aw, aw, no, baby?" "?" "Eww, baby, now, now?" "?" "All right, I'm all right, I'm-I'm cool, it's okay?" "?" "Watch out for the bedspread, baby?" "?" "Look out, now?" "?" "Uh, I'll tell you what?" "?" "Uh, how about uh... uh...?" "?" "Why don't I call you next week?" "And that's my song about the menstrual cycle, Stan." "Did that clear things up for you?" "So what you're saying is this person shouldn't be bummed because everybody has their period at a different time?" "Is that what I said?" "But it's not fair." "It's not fair that one day you're on top, you're the coolest kid in town, and then the next day you're at the bottom again because everyone has blood coming out of their ass but you," "And if I can't men-strate then by God," "I'm not gonna sit around and be the only periodless 8- year-old boy!" "I'm gonna do something about it!" "Whoa!" "I must have missed a whole middle part, there." "I can't tell you how excited Rod Stewart is about this millennium concert." "He's gotten a little older, but you're gonna see how much he can still rock." "Oh, I'm excited, too." "I think it will bring my father's children back to their faith and back to mine eyes." "For I am the lamb of God." "Yeah, and, uh, you know, Rod is a seasoned veteran, so I'm going to have to ask for a bit more cash." "But we can talk about that later." "Here comes Rod now." "Hey, Rod, great to see you." "Ow!" "Uh, the folks are sure glad you're playing." "It's really given them a lot of faith in me again." "I'm sure that together we can make this millennium party the best New Year's bash ever!" "Poopans..." "What?" "Poo pants." "Poo pants?" "Pooped m'pants." "Y" " You pooped your pants?" "Pooped my pants." "Oh..." "Uh, nurse, Mr. Stewart has apparently pooped his pants." "Again?" "!" "Now Mr. Stewart, what did we say about trying to hold in Mr. Dookie?" "Yes, puberty is a very wonderful thing, Stan." "It's what links us all together." "Makes us one." "Well, what happens if there's someone who never went through puberty?" "Never went through puberty?" "Who never went through puberty?" "Nobody..." "I mean, uh..." "Well... my dad." "Your father never went through puberty?" "No, and uh, that's why he sent me here, 'cause he's too embarrassed to come himself." "Well, I can't say that I blame him." "So do you know anything that can help him?" "Well, I should think the most logical solution would be hormones." "Hormones?" "Yes, here, tell your father to take just one of these pills every week." "It could be just what he needs." "And be sure to tell him that his secret is safe with me." "Thanks a lot Dr. Mephisto, you're the best!" "My pleasure." "I just love helping people." "Now, for our first club activity- we're supposed to reach into this little dish and pull out a word." "We look at the word and think about what that word means to us." "Okay." "Today's word is "spirituality. "" "What that means to me is..." "Hey, assholes." "Oh, look, it's that little boy who hasn't gotten his period yet." "Don't you worry about that." "I've started taking hormones." "Hormones?" "Yeah, they make you have your puberty quicker, and I'm just here to tell you, that my puberty is gonna be bigger than any of you guys'." "Dude, I don't think 8-year-olds are supposed to take hormones." "Yeah, you shouldn't force your period, Stan." "You should let it come, like the morning dew." "So what are we gonna do for New Year's?" "Well, we'regoing with our families to Las Vegas." "I guess there'll be some younger kids there, too, if you want to go." "I'm gonna go take some more hormones." "Now, the word is "spirituality. "" "I believe that the Goddess in me is my spirituality because..." "Quiet, Kenny." "The Goddess lives in all of us and has..." "Goddammit Kenny, shut the hell up!" "Whoa, dude!" "Mr. and Ms. McCormick?" "Yes?" "Yes?" "I'm sorry, we couldn't save your son." "Oh, my God!" "My little Kenny's gone." "I can't believe it." "We just didn't get to him in time." "There's nothing we could do." "What happened?" "What killed him, Doctor?" "Well, we found a tampon stuck up your child's ass." "Apparently, he'd had it up there for several days." "It plugged him up until he finally burst from the inside out like a ruptured septic tank." "Oh, my God!" "My worry is that he could have been following some kind of crazy new fad." "Perhaps the children are all shoving tampons up their ass because they've seen The Backstreet Boys doing it on TV or something." "We must get to the bottom of this, if you'll pardon the pun." "But actually right now," "I've got to catch a plane to Las Vegas to see the Rod Stewart millennium show." "Rod Stewart's gonna be in Vegas?" "Tom, I'm here live in Las Vegas where tomorrow night the New Year's Eve event is going to happen." "Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior is presenting Rod Stewart, the undisputed king of pop right here at this hotel behind me." "It looks as though Jesus really has come through." "Everyone is very excited because rumor has it that God himself is gonna show up to the event." "What?" "How about you, ma'am, do you think God is gonna show up tomorrow night?" "Of course he is." "This is Jesus we're talking about." "He wouldn't let us down." "Oh, no." "Are you there, God?" "Father, will you please reconsider and show up tomorrow?" "Hello?" "Stanley, wake up honey." "It's time to leave for Las Vegas." "Whoa, dude." "I've got boobs." "Hey, Las Vegas is a pretty cool place for us mature people." "All right, people, are we ready to rock the millennium?" "Father in heaven, please let tonight's show go well." "Please make them like it." "Hey, here comes Stan." "Have I missed anything?" "Wow, Stan, you've really got some nice titties, there." "Did you get your period yet, Stan?" "No, I didn't, but..." "Well, don't worry." "You'll get it someday." "Come on, Kyle, let's go see what kind of tampons they have here in Las Vegas." "Well, I'll tell you one thing..." "I sure as heck am excited." "We've got about four hours to the new year, and so I think it's time to start it up." "Ladies and gentlemen, here he is as promised," "Mr. Rod "do you think I'm sexy?" Stewart!" "?" "Oh...?" "?" "Oh...?" "Whoa, man." "Oops, I pooped 'em." "This sucks balls." "Yeah." "All right, enough of this." "Bring out God!" "Yeah!" "Oh, no." "We want God!" "We want God!" "We want God!" "Please, Father, do something." "We want God!" "Uh, folks," "I'm afraid God can't make it tonight." "We came all the way to Las Vegas for this?" "This is the worst New Year's ever." "Thanks a lot, Jesus!" "Let's get him!" "Well, Tom, I'm here live in Las Vegas at what is quickly becoming known as the gayest party ever." "Everyone is so outraged that they are building a large cross in which to, once again, crucify our Lord and Savior," "Jesus Christ." "Jesus, why does God hate me?" "Huh?" "He doesn't hate you, he hates me." "He's gonna let me be crucified again." "He hates me more." "He doesn't answer my prayers." "I prayed to him every day, and he never answered me." "Well, yeah, but just because God doesn't answer your prayers doesn't mean he doesn't care about you." "Well, then, why didn't he give me what I wanted?" "Well, God can't just answer every prayer and suddenly give you everything you want." "That takes all the living out of life." "What do you mean?" "If God answered all our prayers, there'd be nothing left for us to do ourselves." "Life is about problems, and overcoming those problems." "A" " And growing and learning from obstacles." "If God just fixed everything for us, then there'd be no point in our existence." "That's why he wouldn't show up to my New Year's party." "I just wanted my period." "I get it now, father." "I had to learn all this on my own." "I was overcome with my new popularity, and I let pride get in the way of good judgment." "Whoa, what is that?" "It's Dad." "God?" "God is going to show himself?" "Look, I can see him." "Father, you came." "Now, look upon me, my children, and know me." "Be ye not afraid, blessed art thou, my children." "That's God?" "Yea, 'tis my father, the creator." "He is the alpha and the omega, the beginning and the end." "Well, yeah, but that?" "What did you expect me to look like, my son?" "Well, not likethat." "Since it is the end of the first 2,000 years," "I will allow you, my children, to ask me one question." "One question?" "Only one?" "What should we ask him?" "We have to think carefully." "We can ask him anything we want like, "what's the meaning of life?"" "Or, "why are we here?"" "I have it!" "I have the question." "Now you have to answer me once and for all... how come I haven't gotten my period yet?" "My child, you are a boy." "Boys do not get periods." "That's only for girls." "Your friends were bleeding a little bit out of their asses because of an acute colon infection, and your friend Kyle simply lied about it." "How'd he know that?" "You will hit puberty when the time is right, but you will never have a period because you are a man." "With titties." "Thus, spaketh the lord." "And now I return to heaven." "Hey, wait!" "That doesn't count as our question, does it?" "I will answer another on New Year's Eve in the year 4000." "Did you hear that, everybody?" "I'm not evensupposed to have my period." "That's why God wasn't answering me before." "Boy, I'm sure glad everything worked out okay." "I guess now, we can all celebrate the new year, huh?" "?" "Should auld acquaintance?" "?" "Be forgot?" "?" "And never brought to mind?" "?" "Should auld acquaintance be forgot?" "?" "And auld lang syne?" "?" "For auld lang syne, my dear?" "?" "For auld lang syne...?" "Let's get him!" "CROWD Yeah!"