"Previously on United States of Tara..." "Hey guys, maybe we shouldn't do this in here." "Art, bathrooms, drugs..." "Have you guys seen an Egyptian guy?" "He's about 30 year-olds." "H... h... he's really good-looking... and he's... he's like with a blonde guy." "Toot toot?" "Charmaine's pregnant with your baby." "What?" "Congratulations, Charm." "You officially have no soul." "The baby isn't mine?" "It's... it's Neil's?" "Biologically." "But the baby's yours spiritually." "There's hundreds more guys just like him." "I do shit, and they buy me stuff." "Buck, I love you." "I love you." "My God." "I just wanted some space to be able to..." "You want some space?" "!" "You want to have a little time to do your thing?" "!" "You take all the fucking time you want." "We're closed." "One little drink." "Come on." "I'm gonna have to throw you out of here in about two minutes, Max." "That's all right." "Just nice to have someplace to land that isn't home." "We don't really know each other that well." "What happened at this art show?" "What could happen at an art show?" "She signed her name "Tara Craine"" "to this sculpture... her maiden name." "Look, I've been married to this woman with multiple personalities for years, and..." "This is the first time she seems like a different person." "A different person that doesn't seem to like me very much." "And I'm not sure I like her." "So, how many other people or personalities does she have?" "As of today, I don't know." "Six, seven..." "I'm not sure." "Man, that's so crazy." "Mm-hmm." "So, why'd you come here?" "I wanted a beer." "I wanted to make sure you were all right." "You were worried about me?" "Yeah." "I was." "Tara fucks over a lot of people." "You once, me tonight." "I just..." "I thought of you." "Oh." "Is it closing time?" "No, Max." "It's not closing time." "Closing time was a long time ago." "All right." "It's just a one-time thing, Max." "I know that." "It's just for tonight." "Okay, what do you want me to do?" "Sit on a cake?" "Sit on a balloon?" "Mash potatoes with my ass?" "I'm your Princess Valhalla Hawkwind, and your wish is my ultimate command." "C... can we just talk for a second?" "Sure, we can talk for 15 minutes if you go on my online wishlist and click on... let me see... the new sonic youth box set." "Kind of a bargain, if you think about it, for 15 minnies of princess face time." "So, what do you want to talk about..." "Zach?" "Uh, h... how did you end up doing this?" "Being a renegade princess?" "Well, it is a long tale." "My father, the evil king Freddy Wyrde, kept me as a captive..." "Um, doing this... pretending to be a princess online for money." "Well, I just kind of fell into it, I guess." "Do you ever do it without your costume on?" "Naked?" "No, in your real clothes." "As you." "Kate?" "Is there any way for me to talk to you as who you really are?" "Please to click on box set, sir." "Would you ever... meet in person?" "Fuck off, freakshow!" "Kate?" "Mom, leave me alone!" "Hey..." "Princess." "Have you seen your dad?" "Didn't he come home with you?" "Mnh-mnh." "Well, what did you do, mom?" "I didn't do anything." "You were missed, by the way." "Really?" "I was missed?" "Mm-hmm." "Yeah, well, tell the munchkins in KC-Mo that Dorothy misses them, too, but she's sure that they're doing fine with her new replacement." "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have something to do, so... if you don't mind..." "Okay." "Sorry." "I'll leave you alone." "Hey." "You came back." "I fucking hate my existence." "Shoot yourself and walk away." "Meaning, change." "It's your life." "Okay." "If you did want to meet up... where exactly would you want to?" "You know, you spent a long time with Neil." "What were you two talking about?" "Nothing!" "His aunt just found out she has cancer!" "And he got the new Rock band" for Wii." "I don't know... stuff." "Hey!" "Careful with that!" "Charmaine, listen to me." "Listen to me." "This is my sister's work of art." "Listen to me." "What?" "I can handle giving Neil a ride home, but I can't handle the two of you catching up on "stuff"" "for 10 minutes while I wait in the car." "To tell you the truth," "I can't even handle giving him a ride." "Max left him there like a cone." "I don't care!" "He told you to get an abortion." "Why are you even giving this guy the time of day?" "I don't know." "What do you want me to do?" "I want you to get him to sign something saying he's never gonna come back and try to be a father to our kid." "Then I want you to stay the hell away from him." "I think you broke this a little." "What the hell does that mean, anyway..." ""left him there like a cone"?" "Like an ice-cream cone on a park bench." "He left him there." "You did break this!" "I'll fix it tomorrow." "Where have you been?" "Went for a drive." "Pretty long drive." "Yeah." "Well, I stopped for a pretty big beer." "Yeah, well, I came home and..." "Decided to do a family portrait." "Yeah?" "Whose family..." "Lynda's?" "Or that art-gallery owner who you were wagging your tail for?" "I know you felt... left out tonight." "Tonight?" "I've been feeling left out since you been hanging out with those freaks down at that nuthouse." "Yeah, I know, but I'm back, and I want to, you know, be here." "Plus, that art-gallery owner asked me to do something for his portrait show, so..." "You want to know the truth?" "I wasn't kidding when I said..." "I thought you were an alter." "I'm really worried." "You think I'm an alter?" "Me?" "Like, now?" "It does seem like the person we've been dealing with since you started these new meds isn't really you." "I'm gonna take a shower." "At this time of night?" "Yep." "Hey, Marsh." "Mom's famous oatmeal?" "Mm, not that hungry." "Especially not for oatmeal, which is essentially concrete diarrhea." "But thank you." "Okay." "Your loss." "Oh, hey, when you get home, will you sit for me awhile?" "I'm gonna set up a little studio at Hubbard's today and paint a portrait of the whole family." "It'd just be an hour after school." "Well, Lionel and I were gonna go to the mall." "He got a check from his dad in Omaha, and he wants to blow it, so..." "Honey, I know I haven't been around the house much lately, and maybe I haven't exactly been myself." "But I just want you to know that I'm back." "I know." "It's "cat's in the cradle," mom." "It's nobody's fault." "We'll talk later." "It's fine." "Way to go, Monsieur Valmont." "Hey, Ted." "What's the matter?" "You and your little pal the Marquise De Merteuil must be pretty pleased with yourselves." "Mr. Mayo, is there something..." "Hany left me, Marshall." "Left you as in "broke up"?" "As in "shouting in Arabic and packing his bags."" "As in "never coming back to fucking Kansas."" " When?" " Last night." "After his little drug adventure with you and your posse in that bathroom downtown," "I had to go get my car out of impound." "I come home... he's all zoomed up." "He told me I've stolen his youth, and he just takes off!" "I'm... sorry." "Do you know what he's like when he does drugs?" "When I met him, he was inches from self-destructing." "Last night, he seemed even worse." "Look..." "I have to get to school." "Oh, go." "Go." "By all means, learn." "Oh, and you tell that little bitch Lionel" "I hope he gets the clap!" "Other people are real, Marshall!" "You can't just fuck around with other people." "We're all real." "So, is this where you meet all your online hook-ups for lunch?" "I've never done this before." "I haven't." "It's just close to my office." "We can go someplace else, if you want." "There's a Barnabeez down the street..." "No, I'm cool." "Just getting acclimated." "What do you do?" "Um, does the word "Yogohut" mean anything to you?" "The frozen-yogurt places?" "Yeah." "You work at one?" "I own the chain." "I serve up the best frozen yogurt in the whole Kansas City Metro area." "Between trolling the web for mythical vixens with horns." "In between trying to stay interested in being alive." "Thank you." "If I could get a little angostura bitters for my coffee, that'd be great, thanks." "What do you do?" "Besides the Hawkwind porn-lite shuffle online?" "I don't know." "Stew." "It's no picnic, is it?" "You turn my office into an art studio, you think I'm not gonna show up and kvetch a little?" "I didn't know if you'd come back after Max tore the place up." "Honey, I lived through Fiestaware." "I'm like the cockroach..." "I persist." "I see you're having a hard time trying to paint a portrait of a family you're not really sure exists." "Mm, it's terrible." "Everyone feels so far away from each other." "And there's something weird going on with Max, too." "I feel it." "Becoming a whole person can be lonely." "But it's the only way out." "It's the only way out of the basement." "Yeah, but Max thinks I'm an alter." "That's the only language he has for understanding how you're changing." "That, I'm not too worried about." "But you know I'm me, right?" "Stop." "Max has lived with you all these years." "He's seen all those alters coming and going." "That is not the issue here." "When he says "I think you're an alter,"" "he means, "I feel like you don't love me."" "But how do I convince him I'm me?" "Well, maybe you can't." "And maybe... just maybe... he's not really waiting to be convinced." "Listen." "We need to put a few jellybeans in his jar, make him feel good." "You know what?" "Let me handle this." "Mm..." "I'm not sure that's the best idea." "He's feeling really altered-out right now." "Tara, I'm a doctor... with..." "let's just say it... an impeccable bedside manner." "And Max is very much in need right now of a firm, gentle hand." "Trust me." "I know what to do." "I'm not signing anything." "You told me to get an abortion!" "Okay, but now you're not getting one, so maybe someday..." "No, no, no! "Maybe someday" belongs to me now, Neil." "You forfeited your "maybe someday"" "when you told me to have my baby sucked out with a vacuum at that place behind the candle shop in Shawnee mission." "By the way..." "I talked to the doctor, and it doesn't have down syndrome and it doesn't have maple-syrup urine sugar disease." "And it doesn't have a penis." "I... i... it's a girl?" "We're... we're having a girl?" "Yeah." "We're having a girl." "And you could have taught her to play video games and, um... make models." "But, um, that's not gonna happen." "You'll be hearing from our lawyer." "Yeah, tell Miguel to use the whole thing." "Yeah?" "How come you don't answer?" "I've been calling and calling." "Um..." "I don't answer because I'm working." "When can I see you again?" "Pammy You said last night..." "I changed my mind." "Thought I'd give you a chance to change yours." "Boy, you're just like buck, aren't you?" "You guys belong together." "Hey, I'm going through a lot right now." "So am I." "You know, nobody normal wants me more than once." "Crazy people want me, like, five times." "Normal people... once." "Look, Pammy." "I don't know how else to say this." "It was a mistake." "I wish I hadn't have done it." "I'm sorry." "Yeah, I'm sorry, too." "It's because of what happened at the art show." "That makes no sense." "Ted must have called Mrs. Fox and told her he saw us doing drugs." "What, as revenge for losing his child bride of the Nile?" "Give me a break." "I'm sure that's what it is." "And I deserve it, too." "I knew..." "Marshall Jesus Christ Gregson." "What?" "That chubby, old queen got the deal of a lifetime tapping that tight ass for the five years he got to." "This... is not your fault." "Feels like it is." "Because living with your mom all these years has trained you to think that way." "Sometimes, other people's shit is just theirs." "You're so wrong, it's adorable." "Mrs. Fox:" "Boys?" "Good afternoon." " Good afternoon, Mrs. Fox." " Good afternoon, Mrs. Fox." "I'm sure you've heard of Aids." "It's not spread by snorting drugs." "And that's good news." "But as the disease is still a clear and present danger, the county's Aids awareness program has given the school 10,000 condoms in every color of the beloved rainbow." "Obviously, when I think of Aids," "I think of you and your friends." "Oh, well, I... guess we're flattered?" "Meaning, Lionel," "I know how important safe sex is to your little community, so I thought you two might like to head up the effort to distribute them." "We could do that." "Sure." "Make some posters about the importance of proper condom usage." "You know, nothing splashy or in-your-face." "Wouldn't dream of it." "No more than 10 per student." "They'll all find warm, happy homes." "Thank you." "You two may go now." "Thank you." "Thank you." ""Nothing too splashy or in-your-face"?" "I'll splashy in your face if you're not careful." "Tara?" "Tara?" "How come you didn't answer me?" "Because, Max, Tara's not my name." "Shoshana." "Let's have a little sit-down." "Thanks for the ride home." "Of course." "Thanks for not taking me to a quarry and dismembering me." "Anytime." "Look, I know I don't know you that well, and..." "I know that we met under kind of..." "odd circumstances, but... you seem really smart." "Which, to me, is a priority." "And you're... really..." "amazingly beautiful." "So if you ever get tired of pretending to be a princess online and you want to be treated like one for real," "I'd love to be the guy to do it." "That's all." "I will definitely take that into consideration." "Perfect." "Here is my card." ""Yogohut."" "Yogohut." "Wonderful." "Thank you." "Bye." "Max." "Yes, Shoshana?" "Do you trust me?" "Oh, as much as I trust any of Tara's alters, sure." "As a specialist of the human brain, though, do I have some... authority?" "Some." "What's your point?" "Are you familiar with the phrase" ""the dark before the dawn"?" "I've heard it." "Tara's getting very close to knowing some important things about herself." "She's getting tired of running." "Okay." "And this..." "Max, all this mayhem and what have you... the cheating, the wandering, the obsession with that art project." "Yeah?" "This... this is the dark." "Shoshana." "But the dawn is coming." "Shoshana, w... what are you doing?" "It's okay, Max." "Relax." "Wait a second..." "Tara and I have an agreement about messing around with the alters." "Tara said it's okay." "She loves you." "She wants you to be happy." "She knows she can't give you what you need right now, and even if she could, you wouldn't take it." "I'm the part of her that wants only good for you, Max." "But I am a part of her." "Mm." "Let me." "Please." "And then you'll do me." "Ohh." "Well, well." "The princess returns." "Yeah, well, that's how the story goes, right?" "In the comic book?" "Well, yeah." "She does go off and do a bunch of shit and comes back in the end." "What's all in there?" "The horns, the wig, the whole crazy nine yards of Princess Valhalla craziness." "And a magic bullet." "I'm cooked." "What's a magic bullet?" "The princess got into some video-chat action and made a little dough in cash and prizes." "I brought you so of the prizes." "Don't worry..." "I kept my breastplate on." "We never discussed you doing your own thing with her." "Well, we never discussed you doing your own thing with my mom." "Honey, the way I see it, your mom did her own thing with me." "I mean, she comes down here to get all her transformational shit done and get her real ass seen and accepted, and once she gets all she needs... are you fucking kidding me?" "Are you?" "Your mom used me." "And you used me." "Bull-fucking-shit!" "I accessed you." "Everybody accesses everybody." "But when you do your soul work with people and then you hurry home and hide out once your battery's recharged, that's using." "You did it, too." "Like mother, like daughter." "Whatever." "Hey, princess." "What?" "Go ahead." "Say some shit." "Do you know who you're mad at?" "Yeah, Lynda, I do." "I'm mad at myself." "I wanted to be an adult." "I settled for a costume." "Done." "Good luck staying one step ahead." "Like the dressing?" "Yeah, it's great." "Thanks." "The diet coke website is suddenly full of recipes." "Diet coke?" "Yeah, I guess it's healthy now." "So, I talked to Neil." "He knows he's having a daughter." "You mean we're having a daughter." "Right." "So, will he sign away custody?" "Yeah." "I didn't give him much of a choice." "I'll have Dan draw up the papers." "Good." "Good." "There's diet coke in this dressing?" "Yeah." "It's a modern miracle, right?" "What the hell?" "Hey." "Hey." "You transitioned." "Oh, yeah." "Shoshana?" "Mm-hmm." "Baby doll, we have to talk." "I know." "I know you had sex with an alter." "It's okay." "Shoshana and I arranged it." "Oh, God." "That's not what you were gonna say." "Max..." "I'm me." "I'm me." "Listen to me." "Last night, on my way home, I was really pissed." "I stopped at cat five's for a beer." "You had a thing with Pammy?" "Yeah." "I knew it." "Oh, my God." "Max." "What's gonna happen to us?" "What's gonna happen to our family?" "I don't know." "I don't know."