"Congratulations, fellas." " On what, sir?" " On winning the lottery." "Because the only reason I can imagine why my fine young money managers aren't at the conference table at 9:00 A.M." "is because y'all went in on a winning lottery ticket and you've come here to tell me to kiss your collective ass." "You know, let's..." "let's take a pause for a second so you can all feel appropriately uncomfortable." "Run." "Mr. Wen, not so fast." "Where is Brody?" "He's never missed a Monday morning debriefing before." "Uh, yeah." "He had a..." "Family emergency." "His dad... came down with a surprise illness." "That is surprising, especially since his dad has been dead for nine years." "Yeah., it's been a real roller coaster for the family." "Mr. Wen, a very important man once said that there are two reasons a man should risk his career, neither of which is covering for a best friend who is missing work to be with a girl he just met." " Who said that?" " I did." "Just now." "Quotable" "Hello?" "What?" "It's 9:02!" "I'm two hours late for work!" "I'm two minutes late for work." "Oh, wow." "We have different schedules." "How did my alarm not go off?" "Well, it did by accident at 4:30, so I shut it off." "What?" "That's not an accident." "That's the time I set it for." "4:30?" "Are you a ship captain?" "I have a routine, okay?" "My alarm goes off at 4:30." "I have three egg whites and a half-caf coffee with almond milk, then 9-minute abs, 40 minutes on the treadmill," "6 minutes of hair zhuzhing, and at work by 6:47." "Why don't you sleep in a little?" "Skip the zhuzhing." "You never skip the zhuzh." "I've never missed Mansfield's Monday debriefing before." "Well, tell him I debriefed you at home..." "Twice." "Yeah." "Mansfield really loves sex puns." " What are you looking at?" " Your butt." "I gotta bite it." "One time." "Two times." " Five times, then I'm done." " N-no." "Um, you cannot bite my butt, okay." "Maybe once." "No, no." "I can't." "I have to go to work, okay?" "So what are you doing later?" "Do you wanna get some dinner or something?" "Uh, no." "Just text me before you go to bed, and I'll come over and you can... debrief me." "You are either the coolest chick in the world..." " Or a dude." " Hmm." " Speaking of dudes..." " Hmm?" "You're wearing my pants, dude." "Guess I got in your pants three times." "Mm." "Up top." "Season 1, Episode 2 "Off to the Races"" "Gentlemen, start your chairs!" "All right, this is for all of the marbles." "No way." "I have been collecting these marbles all year long." "On your marks!" "Get set!" "Go!" " Damn it!" " That's how I roll." "It's not fair." "You order all the office furniture." "Obviously you're gonna have the best chair." "Sorry I'm late, guys." "I, uh, I had a-a doctor's appointment." "Ohh." "And by "doctor," you mean Brody and by "appointment," you mean appointment." "Maybe a little somethin' like this." " Bam!" "Bam!" "Bam!" "Come on!" " Ohh!" " Ping-pong!" "Ping-pong!" "Ping-pong!" " Whoo!" "Ping-pong her ass!" "What kind of doctor are you going to?" "I was with Brody." "But it's not a big deal." "We're just hanging out." " Just two friends hanging out." " Sometimes I sleep over." "Yeah." "Two friends hanging out, sleeping over." "Although the sex has been phenomenal." "Two friends hanging out, sleeping over, hurting everyone around them." " Hey." " You okay?" "What happened at the debriefing?" "Uh, well, Mansfield quoted John McEnroe." "And then he asked if any of us pussies wanted to punch him in the stomach." "Oh, he asked where you were, but I covered for you, bro." " Thanks." "Did he seem pissed?" " Uh..." "Hard to say." "He was smiling, but was it the smile of a man whose company just posted a record year?" "Or was it a deeper, sadder smile that masked the disappointment he felt in a young man who is pissing away a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity?" " I'm guessing both, sir." " Ya nailed it." "Would you like to punch me in the stomach?" "No, sir." "I don't want to hurt my hand again." "Good call." "Follow me." "I've been at this company for 35 years." "Would you like to take a guess how many times I've been late for work?" " Zero times." " Less than that." "And that includes the time I had back surgery, came in at 9:00 A.M. the next morning, and closed a $10 million deal while I was still high on pain meds." "It turns out the client was this lamp." "As my father always said," ""If you can't be on time, be early."" "Son, as you know, I'm training you to be my protégé." "Now it will be impossible for you to do that and maintain a relationship." "A wise man once said," ""The greatest things ever achieved are ones thought impossible."" "I said that." "Well played." "Still, I need you to focus 100% on this job." "Trust me, sir." "I can do the job and do the girl..." "Date the girl." "Well, then anything over 100%, you can give to the girl." "However, it's been my experience women hate getting zero." "I know you're against the idea of Jenny, but I think if you met her, you'd really like her." "I don't want to meet her." "She is a distraction." "I promise she won't be." "Really?" "Then what is she doing here right now?" "Jenny?" "Right." "I see what you did there." "This is the Haynes family trust." "I want you to figure out a plan and have it on my desk by noon." "I'll have it to you by 10:00." "I want it by 7:00." "It looks like your ground floor company has arrived." "Is it a beautiful blonde with legs for days?" "It's a rugged auburn..." "With a beard for months." "Go on." "Touch it." "Whatever you find in there, that's yours to keep." "I'm good." "Young man, you smell like the forest." " What can I do for you?" " I am with I.T." "And I am here to update your firmware." " You have six minutes." " Oh." "Good." "'Cause your time is more valuable than my time." "I get it." "We're not so different, though." "I have a job." "I have a desk." "I have a drawer filled with... cash." "Okay." "I got a chair." "Ohh!" "What?" "What are you doing, bro?" "I'm trying to find a place to take Jenny on a date." "Dude, you don't need to date." "Okay?" "You do what I do." "You take her back to your place, you throw back a couple bananas so nobody cramps, and then you oil up, you throw a tarp down, you start banging bodies." "You must get laid a lot." "No, but I will be ready when that day comes." "Look, all you just and I have done is hook up." "I like her." "I don't want to do that "dick guy move."" "Wait." "What?" "How do I not know what the dick guy move is?" "Dick guy move is where you sleep with a girl a bunch of times, and then say you're not ready for a commitment." "But then two weeks later, you get stupid drunk on Tequila, text her you love her." "Then the next thing you know, you gotta change your number and find a new coffee shop." "And I loved that coffee shop!" "Hope everybody's hungry." "I brought doughnuts." "Excuse me, we are working down here." "Marco!" " Post-it!" " Post-it!" "Wow." "Is this really what you guys do all day?" "No." "No, not all day." "We do building maintenance, I.T., office supplies, mail distribution." "We've been working on this list of what we do in case anyone asks." "How cynical are you to think you can buy us off with pastries?" "Am I right, guys?" " Well, I'll hit that." " I'll hit that like it owes me money." " Brody, you didn't have to." " Well, yeah, I did." "Otherwise, I would've needed an awkward segue before asking you on a date tonight." "Nice hair." "You wanna go on a date tonight?" "Nah." " Wait." "What?" " She said... "Nah."" "Hey, no, I just like what we've been doing." "Yeah, but all we've been doing is going back to my place, having hours of acrobatic sex, and then going our separate ways in the morning." " Yeah, and it's fun." " So much fun." "But..." "If I didn't know any better," "I would start to say that you are using me for my body." "That's funny." "So text me, uh, when you're done with work, and we can work off these bear claws, if ya know what I mean." "Yeah." "I think I cracked that code." "I mean have sex." " Oh, yeah." "No, I got it." " Right." "Mm, what are we doing?" "I thought we were going to get condoms." "Oh." "Yeah, we are." "They have a great condom dispenser in the bathroom here." "Wait a minute." "Are you trying to take me on a date?" "What?" "Me?" "Pfft." "Mr. Moyer, your table is ready." "How does she know my name?" "We should follow her." "Did you steal an upstairs chair, man?" " Does it look like it?" " Yes." "Well, then yes, I did." "On your marks!" "Get set!" "Go!" "Yeah!" "Not good!" "This is not good!" "I can't..." "I can't believe you tricked me into going on a date." "I can't believe I had to trick you into a date." "I'm a catch." "In fact, my aunt Shelly said if I wasn't her nephew, I'd have to look out." "Look, I'm..." "I think you're great." "I'm just, um..." "The thing is, I'm not looking for a commitment right now." "Oh, my God." "That's the dick guy move." " The what?" " The dick guy move." "It's where you sleep with someone a bunch of times, and then say you're not ready for a commitment." "Next thing you know, I have to find a new coffee shop, and I'm really loving this new coffee shop." "What?" "I'm..." "I'm not the dick guy." "I'm not even a-a guy." " Really?" "You sure are acting like one." " Okay." "Well, you need to just calm down." " Just calm down..." " Don't tell me to calm down." "Okay?" "Is that why you brought me here, so I wouldn't make a scene in public?" "You brought me!" "I just wanted to have fun." "Now do you wanna go back to your place or not?" "If you're not gonna care about me for me, you're not gettin' any of this." "Oh, my God." " Is this a bad time?" " It's an excellent time." "I just finished my 3-mile open ocean swim." "There was a high surf advisory, so I had the place all to myself." " "The place"?" " The ocean." " Nature's gym." " Gotcha." "Anyway, here's the work I did on the Haynes trust." "You can transfer most of the assets into a deferred annuity..." "Or you could throw it off the building." "I asked for that at 7:00." "I don't need it anymore." " But it's 6:45." " You should know my 7:00 is 6:30." "Sorry, sir." "I didn't know it was time sensitive." "It's time sensitive because I said it was due at a certain time." "And..." "Well, I'm a sensitive little bunny." "It was a test." "You failed." "Well, you'll be happy to know that Jenny won't be a distraction anymore." " Turns out she's just not that into me." " How could she not be into you?" "You're a catch." " I know." " Have a seat." "I know it stings a little now, but trust me." "You will be grateful that you didn't jeopardize your whole career for a fling." "Wow." "That wet suit is form-hugging." "Eyes up." "Thatta boy." "I guess I kinda thought it wasn't a fling." "You know, a part of me thought maybe she could've been "the one."" "Oh, come on." "I'm a romantic myself." "Hell, I have a heart the size the head of a baby." "I believe in "the one."" "In fact, I believe in a thousand "the ones."" "Sir, I'm not sure you understand the concept of "the one."" "There are a lot of "the ones."" "There's the one you meet in college, the one you meet backpacking through Europe, the one who convinces you that you actually look good in white jeans." "But the one you meet in your 30s, when you've finally made it, if you're very lucky..." "That's "the one" you marry." "You really wore white jeans?" "Honest to God, I wore the hell out of 'em." "I still wish you could meet her." "I don't and I won't." "I want you to redo the Haynes work." "Have it on my desk end of day." "My end of day, not yours." "Yes, sir." "Is this another test?" "Of course it's a test." "Everything's a test." "Tests and quality furniture are the only things that separate from the animals." "Where the hell's my chair?" "Yeah, this chair is dead." "What do you mean it's dead?" "You said you could take apart any chair." "Yeah, I can." "I just can't put the chair back together." "Do you think I would work here if I knew how to put chairs back together?" "Well, can't we just give Mansfield one of our chairs?" "No, it won't work." "This is a top floor chair." "They have a different ass palate than we do, and his butt's gonna know." "All right, which one of you is Jenny?" " Who wants to know?" " You're Jenny." "Well, it makes perfect sense now." "Brody died, and he asked me to take care of you." "I'm Tori." "Hey, I follow you on Twitter." "You're @neverendingtori." " Ha!" "Yeah." " How are you hotter than your selfies?" "Well, actually, I thought that all my followers were either 13-year-old boys or gay." "Well, I have the fashion sense of a gay man and the hormones of a 13-year-old boy." "We should hang out." "If I met you two years ago, I'd throw a tarp down, get the oil out, and eat some bananas." "But I put my man-eating days behind me." "So here is some free advice..." "Just back away slowly before I change my mind, unhinge my jaw, and swallow you whole." "Oh, no, I love you." "Hey, Jenny." "What the hell?" "Is this place just crawling with hot chicks?" "Thank you." "Okay, well, because of you, Brody is hurting right now." "Which is crazy because he's a catch." "And... and you need to know that if you mess with him, you mess with me." "And if you mess with anybody down here, you messing with me." "W-well, I guess we all saying the same thing," " which is that..." " I'm leavin'." "Is this Mansfield's chair?" "Oh, my God." "One of you guys is so screwed." "He knows about the chair." "What are we gonna do?" "He's gotta die." "Do you know how to kill people?" "You think I would work here if I knew how to kill people?" "You guys, I think I know who can help us, but I'm not so sure he wants to see me right now." "I don't wanna see you right now." "Besides, why would I help him?" "He hates me." "That's true." "I do." "Harvard, we practiced this in the elevator." "Right, yeah." "Brody, um, I know we've had our differences." "But I think that you're awesome, and I just hate you so much." " Are ya high?" " I'm a little high, yeah." "Okay, look, if you won't do it for him, do it for me." "Why would I help you?" "You don't even like me." "You're just using me for sex." "But I really like you." "That's why I don't want to date you." " Oh." "Okay." "That makes no sense." " W..." "Okay, look, you're... you're cute and you're smart and you make me laugh on purpose and, hey, we wear the same size pants." "But relationships in my family, they just don't work." "My grandma and grandpa, mom and dad, mom and stepdad, stepdad and grandma." "All of 'em ended really badly." "Yeah, but all relationships end until the one that doesn't." " That's the risk." " Yeah." "I don't like risk." "Yeah." "Risk is the worst." "Put the stapler back." "I do like risk." "I risk other people's money for a living." "I work at a job where I can get fired without notice." "My favorite board game is Risk." " I happen to dominate at Risk." " I will destroy you at Risk." "But my professional opinion as an expert risk taker is that you and I are a risk worth taking." "Well, I guess there is something kinda sexy about dating a guy who likes risk." "Did I just hear you say "dating"?" "But I still expect you to put out." "I'm the one who took Mansfield's chair." "Okay?" "Doesn't get any riskier than that, right?" "Hello." "Magic door." "How high am I?" "You and I need to have a little talk." "I have nothing to hide." "My name is Brody Moyer." " He already knows me, genius." " Damn it." "You have ten seconds to tell me where my chair is." "Well, I have something that you want, so it appears to me that I have all the leverage." "I could fire you, have you arrested, or simply disappear you." "It appears as though I have grossly misread the situation." "Actually, sir, he took the chair for your benefit." " Really?" " This oughta be good." "He thinks you should have a standing desk." "A standing desk?" "Yes." "It's good for your posture, it spurs creativity, and generates confidence." "As I'm sure you know, General Patton once said," ""No good decision was ever made in a swivel chair."" "That's a good quote." "All right, I'll buy it, but not really." "And, you..." "You're on my radar." "Is that a good thing or a bad thing?" "Probably the second one." "Here." "Let me get that for you." "Oh." "Thank you, dear." "My stepdad always used to say," ""A man should always keep one hand free for either catching or scratching."" "I quite like that." " What did you say your name was?" " I'm Jenny." "Oh, shit." "Ah, son." "Come on in." "Come on in." "Your friend from the forest was right." "I may never sit again." "Great." "So here's the Haynes trust." "Just in time..." "For you to throw it 30 stories to its death." "It's okay." "You passed this test." "Rest assured, there'll be more." " I'll be ready, sir." " So I, uh, I met Jenny." "We talked, we laughed, we shared folksy quotes." " She is delightful." " Told you." "Well, do you think I'm surprised?" "You care for her, so I knew she'd be delightful." "That's exactly why I didn't want to meet her." "Now when your career destroys this relationship, we're both gonna feel horrible." "Tell you the truth, I, um, I was hoping it'd just be you."