"FRIDAY THE 13TH" " THE SERIES d035 "Ready My Lips"" "Ha, and one thing" "I've never figured out... if he's the only one drinking tonight, why do we both get the shakes in the morning?" "Ha, he drinks and I slur my words." "Kind of ironic, don't you think?" "Hey, you want that glass refilled?" "Ha, of course he's not moving his lips." "If you drank as much as he did, you wouldn't move much, either." "He was in this condition when he ran into my mother." "She's a tree." "Name, please." "Oh, I don't need a ticket." "I'm a personal friend of Mr. Van Horne's." "Well, I'm sorry, sir, we're sold out tonight." "You'll have to come back tomorrow." "Either he's passing a gall stone, or I've got termites in my shorts." "Oh sure, lady, you laugh." "See if you're still laughing when some drunk puts his clammy hands up your dress." "Smell that breath." "It's a good thing he quit smoking, or I'd be wearing an asbestos suit." "Can we finish this act before those things finish you?" "I've forgotten what the finish is, Oscar." "Is there a brain donor in the house?" "Hit it, Einstein." "d Edgar won't go far, he's not a superstar d d He's got a brain that's lame and a dame that's the same d d He's gonna lose with the booze d d And make his screws knock loose d" "d I'm number one, my son, the date's always fun d d I'll take a shot, I got a lot, I'm hot, he's not, I'm Oscar d d I'm bad, I'm alive, I'm smokin', he's broken d" "d I'm jokin', I'm a bad man stoking' d d Once again, my fans, Oscar sets the trail d d We're getting to the end d d That's all there is d" "d It's the end of the show d d He drank all the booze, now we gotta go d" "Edgar Van Horne and Oscar." "Come on, let's hear it for them." "Edgar Van Horne and Oscar." "Okay." "So, what do you think, Oscar?" "Don't we have something better to do?" "Pay the piper." "d Time to pay the piper, time to pay the piper. d" "I think you should sing another verse of your song, Oscar." "Time to pay the piper." "Pay the piper?" "Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers." "Where's the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?" "Can you say that, Oscar?" "Only if you promise to keep your mouth shut, dummy." "One more time, Pops." "d Now Peter Piper, man, he picked a pepper d d Then he didn't have a plan, he was a scamming man d d Now if the dummy dude can make his mouth not move d d If you keep the gig, you'll be in the groove d" "d So if you're thinking on some action d d Some total stupefaction, total satisfaction d d A happening groove, a monster reaction d d Come and dig me all, I'm the main attraction. d" "Ladies and gentlemen, Edgar Van Horne and Oscar." "Let's give them a nice hand." "Edgar Van Horne and Oscar." "That was great, Mr. Van Horne." "Incredible, you are the best." "I've never seen anything like it..." "It's okay." "Mr. Van Horne promised me his autograph." "Come on, I told you to stay out of here, didn't I?" "You don't need this." "They loved you." "It's me they loved." "He's just something I sit on." "Edgar, you can talk to me." "I'm your fiancée, remember?" "Maybe that's why he's so nervous." "Shut up, Oscar." "Haven't you had enough?" "Uh-oh, watch it, pal." "Not even married yet, and she's telling you how to behave." "I give up." "I just need some time to unwind." "I love you." "I'll see you tonight at home, okay?" "Time to pay the piper." "Time to pay the piper." "Mr. Van Horne?" "Time to pay the piper." "Mr. Van Horne?" "Are you there, Mr. Van Horne?" "It's showtime." "Mr. Van Horne, I thought it was..." "Mr. Van Horne..." "Mr. Van Horne..." "It's true what they say, Edgar." "The only thing harder than getting to the top is staying there." "You're going to Miami?" "Great." "Good luck, and keep in touch." "Bye, Jack." "And Micki says good-bye." "Take care." "How's he doing?" "Well, good." "The collector had most of the Nazi paraphernalia that he needed, but he traded some of it to a couple of other guys, so Jack's gonna see them before he comes back." "That's great." "Oh, my God." "Gabrielle Montrose is getting married." "She was my best friend in high school." "I haven't heard from her in ages." "And she wants me to be a maid of honor." "Congratulations." "Does this mean you'll be leaving us for a while, too?" "No, she's living in town." "Her fiancé is playing at a club." "He's a ventriloquist." "Ryan, we have to go see them." "Oh, no, no, I'm not too big on ventriloquists." "Look, I don't feel comfortable around guys who talk to themselves for a living." "Come on, I'm sure anybody she's marrying is wonderful." "No, no, you go, have a good time." "Well, okay." "We probably have so much to talk about, you wouldn't be able to get a word in edgewise." "Give her my best, though." "Oh, and ask her if she wants anything old, uh, borrowed or blue for the wedding, huh?" "Woody, do you have a girlfriend?" ""Yeah, but she's away right now."" "Well, you must be pining for her." ""Well, she comes back tonight."" "Well, why don't you spruce up and buy her some perfume?" ""What kind of perfume?"" "How about Shellac Number Five?" "These are good jokes." "When we see Mr. Van Horne tonight, we're gonna knock him dead." ""Yeah."" "Say, Oscar, why don't we go down and meet all these nice ladies and gentlemen?" "Fine, I'll check out the nice ladies." "You look after the gentlemen." "Oh, no." "Hey, want to come back to my place and look at my family tree?" "Oscar's the name." "Bet I'm not the first dummy to hit on you tonight." "Um, Micki Foster." "What a touch." "You can play with my levers anytime." "And who's the nice lady with you, Miss Foster?" "Why do you want to talk to that bimbo?" "This is the pretty one." "Hey, babe, dump Lassie here, and let's party." "That's not a nice way to talk, Oscar." "I think you owe this lady an apology." "I'll throw you a bone, baby." "I'm waiting." "Sorry." "Really, I'm very sorry." "If I were your boyfriend, I'd be a lot sorrier..." "Mr. Van Horne?" "What the hell you doing out there?" "Mr. Van Horne, my name is Travis Plunkett, and I've admired you for a long time, and I was just wondering maybe you could..." "Not now." "Certainly, pal." "We'd love to." "Always looking for new talent to exploit, aren't we, Edgar?" "Sometimes Oscar gets a little, uh, carried away." "You mean Edgar." "Listen, Gabrielle... how well do you know this guy?" "Forget it, Micki." "It's all in fun." "No, no, I'm serious." "I mean, you can't let him treat you like that." "It's not him." "It's Oscar." "Look, come on backstage and meet him." "He's a great guy." "You'll see." "Come on." "How about Shellac Number Five?" "That's great, pal." "Great." "Micki Foster, my fiancé Edgar Van Horne and..." "Oscar." "Introduce us in order of importance, honey." "Remember who brings home the bacon." "How do you do?" "This is Travis Plunkett." "He's taking me on the road while you two are honeymooning." "Stop it, Oscar." "Hey, pal, this marriage wasn't my idea!" "Edgar, please." "You want to swap a career for a wife, go ahead!" "I got the future to think about." "Shut up, Oscar!" "Edgar, three's a crowd." "I think we'd better go." "What are you doing?" "Damn it!" "Don't I have enough trouble with him all over my back?" "I don't need you nagging at me!" "Excuse me." "Take a hike, sweetie!" "Trouble in paradise." "I'll call you tomorrow." "You had no right to do that." "Ah, put a cork in it, babe." "Come on, Edgar, get this over with." "Go ahead, Edgar, spill the beans." "Stop it!" "Stop it right now!" "Come on, Edgar!" "You tell her who's taking a long walk!" "You can't treat him like that!" "Him?" "Listen to yourself." "Don't treat me like this." "You're hiding behind that thing." "Now, if you want me to leave, you say it!" "No, I don't want that." "Do you want me to cancel the wedding?" "No." "Darling." "You have got to get some help." "You have got to get Oscar out of your life." "Ryan." "This Nazi paraphernalia" "Jack's been collecting is very interesting." "You're not going to believe what these guys were into." "Great." "What?" "You know that guy that Gabrielle's gonna marry, Edgar?" "There's something weird about him." "I mean, he speaks to that dummy Oscar as though it's a real person." "I mean, he even made it have an argument with Gabrielle." "It's as though they're two different people." "I told you, all those guys are split personalities." "They don't know where to draw the line." "Hmm." "Yeah." "Well, she's crazy about him." "I don't know what to tell her." "Well, I think the best thing you can do is just stay out." "Yeah." "I guess you're right." "So, what's on tap for today?" "Mm." "A dead body found in an alley." "All 16 pieces of it." "Oh!" "At least Gabrielle doesn't have these problems." "I don't understand, Edgar." "Things are finally going so well for us." "Six years, I stick with you when you can't buy work." "Now it's going great, you want to pack it in." "I'm tired, Bernie." "I need a break." "Edgar, when you're hot, you're hot." "When you're not hot, that's when you go to the beach." "Bernie, Edgar needs a break." "And after the break?" "I'll do something else." "Oh, I know I never thought I would, either." "But I have to." "All right, I'll make you a deal." "Finish the club date, I'll see what I can do." "Thanks, Bernie." "Don't you thank me!" "I know you're the one behind this." "Oh, if you batted those eyes at me," "I'd do anything you asked, too." "Ah, you still gonna let him out for his bachelor party?" "Of course I am." "Ah... where's Oscar?" "Oscar is in his case." "Hmm." "Things have changed." "He never liked being left in there." "He's not too happy about it now." "Okay." "I'm out of here." "Bye, Bernie." "Your wife explained your problem very clearly, Mr. Van Horne, but I think it might be helpful if... if I met Oscar myself." "You don't understand." "If I'm going to help, we'll need everything out in the open." "Yeah!" "Let me out of here!" "Thank you." "Aah!" "Time for you to meet the doctor, Oscar." "Screw the head shrinker!" "That miserable bitch made you do this, didn't she?" "Don't you talk about her like that!" "She's coming between us, Edgar!" "The slut's ruining everything!" "I don't need this, Oscar, so you just shut up!" "You think I'm gonna let you do this gig and dump me?" "You got another think coming." "Mr. Van Horne?" "You leave when I say you leave, Edgar, not before!" "Mr. Van Horne, please!" "You'd better put Oscar outside." "Now." "Don't let her get rid of me, Edgar." "It's time to pay the piper." "You'll pay the piper, if you stay with Gabrielle." "Oscar is becoming a fixation, Mr. Van Horne." "A way for you to avoid dealing with the world." "Time to pay the piper!" "He's your defense mechanism." "Somebody, or rather something, you can place between you and other people." "Time to pay the piper." "He keeps them from getting too close to you." "Time to pay the piper." "And allows you to say what you really want to say through him." "It's show time!" "Now, it would be best if we saw as much as possible of each other for the first few weeks." "Is that all right for you?" "Mr. Van Horne?" "Oh, yes, that's fine." "Look, Micki, give me something to work with." "That hacked-up body wasn't 50 feet from the club." "Oh, well, that doesn't necessarily mean..." "I know that." "I just want to check it out." "Now, what did she tell you about him?" "Okay." "She met him in the Caribbean." "He was the entertainer." "About three months ago, he proposed to her in Chicago." "That's all I know." "Ryan, you were the one who said perhaps we should leave well enough alone." "I thought you were worried about him." "Yeah, I know, but Gabrielle said he's quitting." "He's getting rid of Oscar, and he's seeing a psychiatrist." "Really?" "I'll tell you what." "His agent's throwing a bachelor party for him." "Gabriella said that you're invited." "Why don't you go and meet him for yourself?" "Maybe I will." "Come on, everybody." "Drink up." "You know how Edgar is if you leave anything sitting around." "Yeah, I know, I know, I know." "Gentlemen, a toast to our buddy Edgar and his last night of freedom." "Cheers." "I was hoping to meet Oscar tonight." "Yeah?" "Oscar didn't make it tonight." "Edgar?" "!" "Hey, come on, Edgar, bring him on out here." "He's always the life of the party." "Come on, Edgar." "Not tonight." "Oh, come on." "Remember that number he did with the strippers in Vegas?" "Edgar?" "!" "I said, not tonight!" "When's that film?" "Come on, where's the picture?" "Geez, I don't know what's got into him." "He's being so weird lately." "What do you mean?" "Well, ventriloquists are all the same." "You know, the dummies are a part of them." "Yeah?" "Well, it's like he and Oscar can't stand each other anymore." "Edgar!" "Save me, Edgar!" "Come on, Edgar!" "I can't breathe!" "Take him out." "Hey, guys, ready to party?" "Hey, Oscar!" "Hey, Bernie, how can you tell when an agent is lying?" "His lips move." "So, what have we got here?" "Poker, strippers, hey, dirty movies." "These the ones with the fiancée?" "Don't do this, Oscar." "Hey, we're all friends here." "We all know what the bimbo did before she met you." "Shut up, Oscar!" "We should have got her here in the flesh!" "That would have made the guys happy!" "Gee, what's the matter, Edgar?" "Can't take a joke?" "Hey, what?" "Come on." "Let's have some fun here." "Party." "Hey, listen, honey, if you want to get into..." "Woody, do you have a girlfriend?" "Yeah, but she's away right now." "Well you must be "pining" for her." "She comes back tonight..." "You didn't RSVP." " Hello?" "Something wrong?" "Mr. Van Horne." "Does this sound like Van Horne?" "Oh, Oscar, of course." "Hey, it's good to hear from you." "I just got the invite." "I'll be there." "You can count on it." "Believe me, you don't want to miss it, pal." "He's an entertainer." "It could've been an illusion." "Micki, you weren't there." "You didn't see it." "The thing bit him!" "Ryan," "I told you they're trying to work it out." "This is more than a psychological quirk." "I called the Chicago police." "Three months ago, when Van Horne proposed..." "There was a body found hacked up in an alley." "That doesn't prove anything." "This is more than a coincidence." "Yeah, well, there's no dummy in the manifest!" "Well, it's something else." "Like what?" "I don't know maybe it's like these souvenirs" "Jack's tracking down." "Now, the Nazi's were into occult research." "Reanimation..." "Giving inanimate objects life." "Well, what's that got to do with?" "Well, they were convinced that a number of killings could bring something to life." "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join this man and this woman in Holy Matrimony." "If there is anyone present who knows cause why they should not be joined together, let him speak now or forever hold his peace." "Hold this, preach!" "Edgar, no." "Hey, Edgar, face it!" "I can't let you break up a beautiful friendship for this bimbo." "Edgar, please!" "Shut your damn mouth, Oscar!" "I told him it's all over!" "It's finished." "It's done!" "It's complete." "And you leave us alone!" "If there's any leaving alone to do," "I'll do it, pal!" "You evil little bastard." "I'm gonna kill you." "How are you gonna kill me, Edgar?" "You get out of my life!" "I'll kill you." "You die, you bastard!" "Die!" "Take it easy." "Die!" "I'll kill him!" "I'll kill him!" "I'll kill him!" "Calm down!" "die!" "Die!" "Die!" "Die!" "Die!" "Come on." "You all right?" "You all right?" "All right." "No!" "Mr. Van Horne, look out!" "Edgar!" "Edgar... oh, my God!" "Call an ambulance!" "Not exactly a marriage made in heaven, is it?" "Micki." "What happened at the hospital?" "How is he?" "Oh, he'll live." "When he came to, he was still yelling about Oscar." "Poor Gabrielle." "Hey, what happened to Oscar?" "I don't know." "I don't think anybody bothered to look for him." "Maybe we ought to." "Why?" "Well, I checked on Van Horne while you were at the hospital." "He was going nowhere until a couple of years ago, and then he just started rocketing." "What happened?" "I don't know." "Ever since he met Gabrielle, there's been no stopping him." "Well, maybe she's good for him." "Maybe, but I also found some other killings." "They seem to be following him around." "I put in a call to Jack." "If Oscar's still out there," "I think we should look for him." "Let me get changed." "I've got a sold-out house." "I've got a show in two hours." "And your fakakta client tries to snuff himself." "Sam, I'm working on it, okay?" "What the hell do you want from me?" "I'll tell you what the hell I want from you." "If you ever expect me to book one of your acts again," "I want a replacement." "Come on, be reasonable." "Where the hell am I gonna come up with a replacement on such short notice?" "That's your business." "If you can't get Edgar, maybe you can dig somebody else up." "Let's face it, Bernie, it was me they were coming to see." "Anybody can pretend not to talk." "Even this guy." "Hey, you want to do some of my material, Oscar?" "I think it'd better if we did some jokes instead." "What a guy." "In the business ten minutes and he's telling me what to say." "Hey, Bernie, what's black and brown and looks good on an agent?" "A Doberman." "Hey, I got one." "The mouth works both ways, pal." "Stop trying to look talented and grab yourself a snack." "Now, Bernie, about the contract." "It's time I had my own limo." "And let's be honest, for a guy my size, you can write it off..." "As a condo!" "Hey, kid, how'd you like to headline tonight?" "Sure, Sam!" "Have your people call to my people." "I'll have my people operate my mouth." "Hey kid, rent yourself a tuxedo." "10:00 first show." "It's tough breaking in a new partner." "You have to get used to his timing, his pace, his cold hands." "Ladies and Gentlemen, Travis Plunkett and Oscar." "Let's hear it for them." "Travis Plunkett and Oscar." "This is just the beginning, pal!" "You stick with me and we're going right to the top." "You know, I can't believe this." "I'm gonna be famous, and I don't feel like I'm doing anything." "Hey, keep it to yourself, pal." "If people knew showbiz was this easy, they'd all want to be stars." "I'm gonna be a star." "Bigger than Van Horne, kid." "But you're still gonna have to pay your dues." "Anything you say, Oscar." "You might have to climb over a body or two." "In fact you have to be ready to do anything to get ahead." "Absolutely anything." "Hear what I'm saying?" "Hey!" "Watch where you're going, dummy!" "You got a problem, friend?" "No, he's..." "I got a problem." "I got a problem keeping my lunch down when I see a face ugly as yours!" "You're gonna have another problem in a minute, friend." "He didn't mean it." "I mean, I didn't mean it..." "Aw, you dropped your dolly." "Anything, pal." "Showtime!" "Oh, my God." "You wanted to be a star." "What can I say, kid." "It's a cutthroat business." "Mr. Van Horne?" "Mr. Van Horne..." "Mr. Van Horne?" "Nice here, don't you think?" "Very quiet." "Peaceful and safe." "I'd stay here the rest of my life." "Mr. Van Horne, I'm looking for Oscar..." "You keep him away from me." "I'm trying to keep him away from everybody." "I have to find him first." "Hmm." "Just keep him away from me." "What are you so scared of?" "He's just a-a wooden dummy." "He helped you with your act, didn't he?" "What was it?" "How'd he do it?" "Hmm." "He was in my mind." "Then just started doing stuff on his own." "You don't know." "You don't know." "You don't know." "What he would have done to me if I hadn't..." "If you, if you hadn't what?" "I..." "I didn't want to, didn't want to do it." "Didn't want to do it." "He made me kill all those people." "You couldn't say no?" "I did." "Look what happened." "Destroyed my life." "You have to know where I can find him." "I'm in here, he's out there." "I'm in here, he's out..." "He's got somebody new." "Saw it on TV." "Make him a star just like me!" "Hey, what's your problem?" "I want top billing." "Bernie, Oscar belongs to Edgar." "Hey, kid, that's between Travis and Van Horne." "Van Horne never gave him permission to use it and you know it." "Now if you want me to have Gabrielle come down here and see you, I will." "Come on, kid." "What do you care?" "Hey, what do you want to make trouble for?" "I'm not." "I just want to have Oscar back where he belongs." "Or you want these people to, uh, start asking whether or not he stole his act along with the dummy, hmm?" "All right, look, I'll make you a deal." "You let the kid finish tonight's show," "I'll get Oscar back for you." "No, no, no..." "I'll get him myself." "Hey, kid, what do you know from talent?" "These kids get real attached to their dolls." "Believe me, it's better I should do it." "Huh?" "Okay." "Just call me as soon as you get it." "Was I great tonight or was I great?" "You were sensational, pal." "Wasn't he, Bernie?" "You were great, kid." "You were great." "Wait till you hear the new routines." "Yeah, yeah, uh..." "in a minute." "Listen, kid..." "Listen, uh, I've been doing some thinking about the act." "Right." "Listen, everybody knows that Oscar's Van Horne's shtick, huh?" "So maybe we get you a new dummy." "I mean, one that's more you." "Are you crazy?" "Oscar and me, we're a team." "Ain't that right, Oscar?" "You tell him, pal." "Hey, he's a stick of wood." "I mean you could do that with any dummy." "Oscar's my dummy now." "Listen, kid," "I know what's best." "As your agent I'm telling you, it'd be a lot better if you carve out your own identity." "Hey, Bernie?" "Carve this." "Keep it, Bernie." "It's your cut." "Why did you have to kill him?" "Now I don't have an agent." "Forget about him." "Death is easy." "It's comedy that's hard." "You wouldn't want anybody to take me away from you." "Now would you?" "No." "Good." "Then there's one thing that'll guarantee that." "If Gabrielle's dead and her old man's in the loony bin, they'll never separate us." "We'll go right to the top." "Kill two birds with one stone." "I don't understand." "Why hasn't Bernie shown up?" "I wish Jack would call." "I really need to talk to him." "You know, maybe you should check out Travis's apartment." "I'll wait for Jack's call." "Okay, if Bernie brings Oscar over here, make sure..." "Don't worry, I'll put it in the vault." "You just be careful." "I will." "I just wish I knew what we were up against." "Yeah, yeah, uh, in a minute." "Listen, uh, kid..." "Listen, uh, I've been doing some thinking about the act." "Right." "All right..." "See, everybody knows that, uh," "Oscar is Van Horne's shtick." "So maybe we should get you a new dummy." "You know, one that's..." "that's you." "Are you crazy?" "Oscar and me, we're a team." "Right, Oscar?" "You tell him, pal." "Hey, he's a stick of wood." "I mean you could do that with any dummy." "Oscar is my dummy now." "Look, I know what's best." "As your agent, I'm telling you, it's a lot better if you carve out your own identity." "Hey, Bernie?" "Carve this." "Keep it, Bernie." "It's your cut." "Yeah?" "Micki." "Oh, Ryan, thank God you called." "Micki, I-I..." "No, listen to me." "I've been going through the research you were doing for Jack, and I found something." "What?" "A pink silk boutonniere." "Hitler's occult advisers convinced him that as long as he wore it, he wouldn't die." "He'd be reanimated." "Right." "And Jack just phoned." "That collector in Miami had it, and he sold it to..." "Edgar Van Horne." "And Oscar's wearing it." "What, you found him?" "No." "No, but I found Bernie... or what's left of him." "Look..." "Gabrielle is in great danger." "She's the only one left who can take Oscar away from Travis." "Look, we've got to get to her right away." "I know." "Call her." "I'll get there as fast as I can." "Boy, this is the life, huh?" "It doesn't get any better than this." "Who are you?" "Ah, Mrs. Van Horne." "Oh, actually, I can't call you Mrs. Van Horne, you didn't..." "Who the hell are you?" "Travis Plunkett." "We met at the club." "What are you doing here?" "Oscar said it was okay." ""Oscar said"?" "What are you talking about?" "Get out of here." "Is that any way to treat a guest." "It's showtime." "Oscar!" "Help me!" "I can't see!" "Nothing to see anyway, pal." "Not anymore." "Gabrielle!" "It's me, Micki!" "Micki!" "Help me!" "Gabrielle!" "Check that way." "Gabrielle." "Oh!" "Ah!" "Here it is." ""One boutonniere, silk", sold to a Roberto Sanchez." "Jack's collector in Mexico City." "So Oscar made Van Horne famous, in exchange for which Van Horne had to kill." "Which satisfied the demands of the curse, and gave Oscar a chance at life." "I wonder how much worse Oscar could have been had he been human?" "Let's be glad we didn't have to find out." "Let's put this away." "So innocent, yet so powerful."