"My name is George Lass," "and I've been dead for seven days." "Okay, that's a little dramatic." "I'm actually Un-Dead." "A modern day grim reaper..." "I can take the souls of people about to die." "Fucking nightmare!" "But I can't open my front door." "It would probably help to have a key, but when you're squatting in some dead guy's apartment, you can't expect a mint on your pillow." "Even with this seemingly designed power I have," "I don't get paid a cent," "I can't disappear or fly or walk through walls..." "What a shit hole." "..and I had to live in this guy's apartment that was really messy." "Kind of like his death..." "Every night I laid in bed, and went over the facts again and again." "I think I lived a pretty normal life." " Lève-toi !" " Maman..." "Tu te lèves, et tu vas aller travailler" "Tu recevras un salaire, et tu déménageras" "And then I was killed." "Oh, shit..." "I became a reaper, lifting the souls I was told to take." "It's fucking weird." "Ca ne fait pas partie de notre boulot de faire tomber les pianos ou les lunettes de wc" "C'est le boulot de qui?" "Gravelings" "Sleep..." "Maybe next week I'll get used to it." "Maybe next week it'll make more sense." "Maybe next week I won't come home and sleep in the back seat of my parent's car." "My name is George Lass." "I died when I was 18 years old." "I collect souls for a living." "And these are the days of my afterlife." "Good Christ!" "Who are you?" "I..." "live here." "Were you Brandon's girlfriend?" "Yes." "Friends and family generally want a piece of you after you die." "After all, who you are is what you left behind." "Actually, that's mine." "That, and um, the TV." "We gave him that TV." "Do you even know Brandon?" "A little bit but not really though." "I moved in the day we met." "Was this before or after he died?" "Same day." "Please don't take the TV." "But for me, it wasn't what I left behind." "It was who." " Hello, Claire." " Hi... um..." "What is it Claire?" "Well this is difficult for me." "I mean it's difficult for me to be telling you this." "It's about your daughter, Reggie." "What about her?" "I just think that what you're doing ...could be considered a form of abuse." "Pourquoi as-tu dit à Claire que je ne te laissais pas aller aux toilettes?" "Why did you tell Claire that I don't let you go to the bathroom?" "Did you tell anyone else that I don't let you go to the bathroom?" "Who?" "The Gibsons and the McMinns." "And the Lees." "Jesus Christ, Reggie!" "You know I could be arrested for this!" "Is that what you want?" "Do you want me to go to jail?" "Why?" "Why would you tell them that?" "So they'd let me use their bathroom." "What is wrong with our bathroom?" "Nothing." "Reggie, you are freaking me out." "Reapers don't get a free ride." "Roxy works for the city." "There's like a minute left, write the ticket and let's go!" "Let me do my job, man!" "Where do all the coins go anyway?" "Doesn't seem big enough." "There's this network of pressurized vacuum tubes underneath the sidewalk." "The meters drop off their reservoir every 3 or 4 hours it sucks through the tubes, and dumps back into the basement of the seventh street parking lot." "Oh my God, Really?" "You got shit for brains, man." "I got the keys, and these bad boys hold more than you think." "Roxy, come on, a couple of seconds, just call it." "Woah, Wait." "Wait, I'm coming." "Not fast enough." "No, it's okay, I'm here." "It's done, sir." "Well, I got change, look." "It's done, sir." "Come on, but I'm here." "I mean, I'm right here." "It's done." "Look, lady, you saw me coming over here." "You knew I was going to put the change in." "You need to step off, sir." "Fucking robot." "You don't know me." ""Oh, Oh." "Look at me, I'm so powerful." "I can write a ticket on a fancy little sports car."" "Yeah, just so you can go home at night and eat your fucking TV dinner, and feel better about your lonely, lousy life." "You know what your problem is?" "You wake up every morning wondering what the world's gonna do for you, wondering who's gonna bend over backwards, kiss your ass and make you happy when you should just thank God for another day and leave it the fuck at that." " Take this ticket back." " No !" " Take it back." " No !" "Hey, my friend." "Hey, come on." "Wait, hey, hey, hey." "I am not your friend, my friend." "Hey, hey, cool it." "Sir, I'm going to say this as politely as possible." "I will fuck you up." "Are you kidding me?" "You don't know me." "I'm gonna report you." "Then you really don't know my boss." "Have a nice day." "What's with the piece?" "These things can just drag on and on." "Okay." "People say the Lord works in mysterious ways." "As if that makes all the shitty things in life any sweeter." "Death is also mysterious." "But there's no sugarcoating that turd." "Be it divine intervention or natural selection," "everyone's got and appointment." "You may not know the time and you may not know the place... but we do." "He was slumped over the dining room table with a vacuum cleaner." "I think he was having sex with it." " Upright?" " Slumped over." "The vacuum cleaner." "Oh, no." "The other kind." "The kind with the hose." "Oh, I need a vacuum cleaner, but I want an upright." "Our friends down at county general are looking for a few volunteers to help with appointment overflow." "Any takers?" "What do you get?" "What do you mean what do you get?" "Well, why should I do it?" "How about a good deed for good deed's sake?" "Yeah, how bout that?" "No, seriously, though." "Do you get anything?" "You get a coupon, peanut, from me." "That coupon is redeemable for one favor." "Right now, you don't have any coupons, and that means you don't have any favors." "Do you see how that works?" "Coupons don't pay my rent." "I countied once." "Everybody was sad." "This one lady was so upset, she had a snot-bubble." "She got so mad when I told her." "I think I'd like to pass." "All I can do is ask." "I didn't get a post-it." "You're riding shot-gun." "Beg pardon?" "Saint Georgia thinks it's her call whether people live or die and until she straightens up and flies right, she's gonna have a chaperone." "Today you're it." "Let's go." "Why couldn't we have taken a cab?" "Do you have money for a taxi?" "Cause I don't." "Aren't there any commuter buses?" "I don't see any." " Hi." " Hi." "Thank you so much for stopping." "You ladies are going to catch your death of cold." "Hop on in!" "I don't mean to piss all over this, but..." "We are on the flirting edge of nowhere with 10 miles to go, and I am wearing my Blahniks." "Do you know how many people had to die for me to get these?" " No." " Five." "Five people had to." "And that would makes these special even if they weren't Blahniks." "Now I am really trying to respect you toliet-seat, I am." "But it's hard sometimes." "But I know we'll work it out." "We both just have to be more tolerant." "But in the meantime, I think you should get in the god-dammed car." "There was a gentle sweetness to Betty, an ease with which she got the job done." "Say, are you one of them Garson boys?" "I am." "I know your daddy." "You know daddy?" "I sure do." "How is you mummy ?" "Well she's just fine." "So nice of you to ask after her like that." "our beautiful mother used to make the most darling quilts I ever laid eyes on." "Mama made quilts?" "Mmm, hmm and she named them, too." "One of em was named "Autumn Leaves In Moonlight", and one of them was called "Serendipity"." "Well, I can't believe my ears." "Can I take your picture?" "Well, hell yeah!" "Betty liked being a reaper." "It was painless for her." "Happy thoughts." "And I hated her for that." "Happy thoughts." "But I couldn't get past the killing part." "It didn't matter if I could put a smile on a dead man's lips." "I still felt like an accomplice to murder." "Maybe we should get out here." "You sure you ladies don't want to hold out until you get your next ride?" "You are the sweetest." "I wonder if she wanted to save him... if she wanted to be bad." "What would you be doing right now if you hadn't picked us up?" "Why, I guess I'd be driving." "Then I think that's what you should do." "You have a wonderful evening." "What a nice man." "There was no sign post for me, at least not one that I wanted to follow." "I was rudderless." "I didn't belong." "Was I the only bad person?" "Didn't anyone else want to be bad?" "There's a ridiculous amount of gum under this table." "Don't touch it." "Wash your hands." "It's gum." "And it's been in someone's mouth with germs and shit." "Germs are everywhere." "It's the viruses you need to watch out about." "I think there are probably viruses on there, too." "No, viruses need a biologically active environment to survive." "Synthetic rubbers and artificial flavorings are not biologically active." "That is sick." "Isn't saliva biologically active?" " Uber-waffle." " Thank you." "And Das Mexi-Fest." "You ordered Mexican food in a German waffle house?" "It was on the menu." "It has all the flavors of the world." "I used to think that Soul Food meant it came from Korea." "You know, because Seoul is a city in Korea." "Excuse me, do you have any crackers?" "You mean besides you?" "They come with the soup." "You want soup?" "No." "Thank you." "Get a job if you're hungry." " Would you like fries?" " Yeah !" "Thank you." "Oh, no, no, no, no." "I don't do beans." "I've got consistency problems." "Lima beans, black beans, pinto beans." "I don't do none of that shit." "I feel the same about custardy foods." "Custardy and lumpy particularly nasty." "Tapioca's like hell to me." "I can have yogurt, but it has to have cereal in it." "I was un-dead and kicking but at a loss on how to live." "And frankly, carving my own path seemed like way too much work." "How do you know it was her?" "I had an interesting day, today." "Took the afternoon off and went shopping." "Good for you." "Went to three different Home Depots to buy toilet seats for Reggie's school." "You'll never guess why." "I only took one." "Jason Murray and Steven Schultz took all the rest." "J'ai appelé Jason Marry et Steven Sholtz," "I called Jason Murray and Steven Schultz and they said you're an "F-ing liar"." "And don't ever let me catch you using that word." "Yeah, she even got the one in the teacher's lounge." "No, I didn't!" "I didn't!" "Reggie..." "Go to your room." "I got a couple of referrals for a child psychologist." "I'll be interviewing people on Monday." "She doesn't need therapy." "Well, she needs something!" "Life if like an assembly line." "First you have a great idea, a master plan." "You make a proto-type." "Then you start mass producing." "Billions and billions." "They don't last forever." "Nothing does." "It's your job to take them off the shelf." "You're helping to restock life, peanut." "This pill wasn't going down any easier." "Two family packs of mini-waffles." "But I do know, if this were supposed to last, it would, so don't let that be a bad thing anymore than it already is." "That's some sage advice, but don't you think it's pretty stupid to put me in this position?" "I could have a nervous breakdown." "Just so you know, I'm very prone to anxiety attacks." "Big deal." "I don't think I'm supposed to be doing this." "Well, if somebody else were supposed to be doing this, I'd be sitting here talking to somebody else." "But I don't know anything... about anything!" "Think I do?" "Most of the time I'm talking out of my ass." "I don't know shit." "When I'm supposed to know something, I'll know, and when you're supposed to know something, you'll know." "Now I lost my train of thought, what was I saying?" "Oh, yes." "Be patient, for Christ sake!" "You're learning." "Now, just smell some fucking roses already." "You know, I'll never understand the instinct to miniaturize food." "It's bite-size." "That's not bite size." "I can't fit this in my mouth." "You got a little doggie box?" "You got it." "Now my fingers are sticky." "Can I have a napkin?" " You ate three of them." " I didn't eat three of them." "You want to get my wallet out of my pocket, please?" "Back pocket, right." "Thank you very much." "Here, you do the honors." "Oh, and pick this up, will you?" "I'm going to get some air." "Can I help you?" "Say, aren't you one of those Roth boys?" "Yep." "As I stood there, staring at the soon to be dead man, I began to think of him as a box of waffles, and his expiration date had come up." " Can I get my bill?" " Sure." "I wonder how mister waffle is gonna bite it... and then there were the monkeys in the works." "Monkey see," "monkey do." "Hold still." "You okay?" "You fucker!" "Hey!" "How you doing, dead guy?" "Reapers heal way too fast." "I wanted to be damaged beyond repair- incapacitated." "If I couldn't do it, they couldn't make me do it... could they?" "I mean, maybe if death could take a holiday..." "That's not right." "That's not right." "Maybe I can quit." "Do you guys smell urinal cake?" "I smell strawberries." "Does it smell like strawberries?" "Well, strawberries and urine." "What happened to the sign?" "Fell down and killed somebody." "No shit?" "Who?" " Monty" " Who ?" "Nice fellow with the miniature food." "He stood behind the counter." "I didn't know him." "Must have been new." "Is there a reason I'm still waiting here?" "No." "Seven and two bits each." "That includes tip." "That's for you." "Hold on, buddy." "There you go." "I was a deserter." "And there wasn't much he could do about it." "I didn't sign anything, didn't agree to anything." "And I sure as shit didn't shake anyone's hand." "Come on, George, open the fucking door!" "I took no responsibility." "That didn't stop him from trying to force it on me." "I convinced myself that if I didn't touch it," "I wasn't obligated." "If I wasn't obligated, I had no responsibility." "But what happens if someone has an appointment with death, and death doesn't show up?" "Is there a reprieve?" "Does that somebody's name go back in the hat?" "Or does death get penalized?" "Maybe someone was trying to send me a message." "Reggie ?" "Reggie, open the door!" "Go away!" "I have diarrhea!" "Can you tell me?" "You want some more Pepto-Bismol?" "Okay." "Do I have to go to therapy?" "Not if you don't want to." "Way to enable." "You know, you can talk to us, about stuff... if you want to" "All right, well..." "Good night." "Good night." "Don't think that I've forgotten about the toliet seats." "It was like an alternate universe where I didn't exist." "There were no goatees or gold lame sashes." "Just a hole where I used to be." "And everyone was making sure to step around it." "I've got to pay rent?" "Fuck." "Consciousness depends on how much blood you've got in your brain." " Does it?" " Yes" "The more blood flow through your brain, the better it works." "It's all about stimulation." "How does putting a hole in your skull get more blood to your brain?" "I mean, I would think it would have the opposite effect." "Yeah, I asked the same question." "They gave me an answer, I'm fairly certain it made sense." "Now I just can't bloody remember what it was." "Okay." "Well, um, what does this have to do with getting a day job?" "Stimulation." "Monotiny is the mind killer." "You're not going to get that blood pumping sitting behind a desk." "Stimulation don't pay my rent." "Then learn to live off the wild." "It all sounded very glamorous," "but I had to consider the source." "After all, he drilled a hole in his head chasing a permanent high." "Too bad, it got away from him." "How much do you need?" "Six hundred and fifty dollars." "That's a lot of money to pay for a shit-hole." "Yeah, huh?" "Have you spoken to Rube?" "No." "Is he mad at me?" "Well, you missed an appointment." "I can't imagine he's tickled." "All right, all right." "You can have this one if you carry it." "My arms are already asleep." "Can't I just take one of these?" "All right, you can take the lighter one." "That fucking hurt." "Rube wants to see you, at the morgue." "Hi." "We're looking for J. P. Davis." "You're all relations?" "Yeah." "As fate would have it," "J. P. Davis was gonna to die with or without me." "There was no forfeit, and his name didn't go back in the hat." "May we have a moment, please?" "Oh, of course." "Well, you really fucked the dog, peanut." " What?" " "What?"" "You had an appointment." "I didn't make an appointment." "Beat her." "Doesn't matter who made the appointment." "You had an appointment." "Correct me if I'm wrong but... mission accomplished." "You're wrong." "That was me correcting you." "I'm confused." "He's still in there, you silly bitch." "Holy shit." "No..." "No..." "Please." "Is he in pain?" "Physically, no." "He's dead." "But emotionally," "I imagine this sort of thing is pretty traumatic." "Holy shit, why didn't somebody do something?" "It's not somebody's job- it's yours." "Oh that's..." "That's stupid." "This isn't my fault." "It's not my fault." "It's not Roxy's fault." "That's such bullshit !" "This is life and death." "Oh, she's finally figuring that out?" "Fuck you!" "Life and death can be real simple." "You just have to do what I tell you." "Cop a feel before this guy unspools." "Oh, God." "Oh, God." "Thank you, thank you." "Cause and effect, peanut." "Butterfly wings, ripple in a pond, however you want to put it." "What you do now matters" "What you don't do matters." "Now say you're sorry." "I'm sorry." "It wasn't my fault." "This lovely lady is gonna show you some very pretty lights." "What kind of lights?" "He said pretty didn't he?" " I can't do this." " Sure you can." "You have to." "I don't have to do shit." "You like spaghetti, George?" "I like spaghetti." "I like board games." "I like grabbing a trifecta with that long shot on top." "That ozone smell you get from air purifiers." "And I like knowing the space between my ears is immeasurable." "Mahler's first, Bernstein conducting." "You've got to think about all the things you like and decide whether they're sticking around for." "And if they are, you'll find a way to do this." "And what if I don't?" "Then you go away... and you don't get to like anything anymore." " Hello, Claire." " Hi." "I had another visit from you're daughter today, and uh... well, uh, she took something." "Reggie!" "Get your ass down here right now !" "Thanks, Claire." "We'll get it back to you as soon as we find it." "Okay." "Any chance you might know when that would be?" " Nope." " Okay." "I stood there thinking about all the things I liked and all the things I didn't like." "And I realized, you can like something and not like it at the same time." "Not like loving unconditionally, that's an act of desperation." "This was different." "Like respecting somebody for being a mess because you're a mess, too." "It was reassuring to finally find someone else who wanted to be bad" "And it was horrifying to know that it wasn't just what I do now that matters." "It was what I did then." "I wasn't done liking things." "I wasn't done not liking things." "I wasn't done." "Mildred Hagen ?" "Hi, I'm Delores Herbig, as in..." "Her big brown eyes." "Well you must know a Herbig or two." "Yeah, I know uh..." "Barbara, Barbara Herbig." "I think she made quilts or something." "How... queer." "Why don't you come with me?" "So I forged ahead." "I found a way." "Can I call you Millie?" "Yeah, okay." "And I'm trying to let that be a good thing, as deviant as that may sound." "After all, it's hard to piss and moan about not having a purpose in life, when death handed it to me on a platter."