"Am I a movie star?" "Haan." "Am I male?" "Haan." "Do I ride a horse?" "Haan." "Is it a white horse?" "Mm." "Do I have an unquenching thirst for revenge?" "Mm." "Am I an angry orphan with a quiet brooding and internal sadness that when triggered by the right circumstances erupts in a frightening rage?" "Ha." "Am I the sensational Amitabh Bachchan in Zanjeer?" "Mm." "Get it up you!" "I got it in...seven." "Seven questions, Meena." "It's supposed to be 20 questions, but I never need 20." "I can do it in 7!" "That's got to be a record." "I don't want to play with you any mair, Meena." "Huh?" "Cos you are shite at it!" "You are a diddy!" "You took 58 questions to get to Indira Ghandi." "Brainless bastard!" "I retire." "Champeen!" "Can I help you, gentlemen?" "I don't think so, no." "How is that?" "Well, for a start, your fruit and veg don't look too healthy." "Your potatoes are starting to sprout." "Oh, is that right?" "Well, here's what to do." "Piss off to the Asda and get all the fresh fruit and veg you like." "Sorry." "We're getting off on the wrong foot here, Mr Harrid." "My name is Donald Weir, I'm from Spire Stores." "We were looking at shops in the Craiglang area with a view to bringing one of them into the Spire family." "Spire?" "!" "Putting the "U" in produce..." "Gentlemen." "Accept my apologies." "Meena, ya arsehole!" "I told you to chuck all that shitey stuff out yesterday and replace it with fresh inviting tasty stuff!" "She is new." "Know what I fancy?" "What would that be?" "A game of darts." "Oooh, Mr Jarvis." "The gauntlet is down once again!" "Oh, yes!" "The gauntlet is down." "Furthermore, beside it, I place one shiny golden nugget!" "And there is mine to match it!" "Indeed, a king's ransom!" "Barkeep!" "Fetcheth the arrows!" "That patter's pish." "Shuteth up, ya prick, and give us the darts!" "Sir, approacheth the ocky!" "Stand back, sir, so that I might take aim!" "Oneth ye go." "Besteth of luck." "Naneth danger!" "Gie's a look at it." "Easy, Arthur." "It was an accident!" "Jack didnae mean it!" "With respect, Arthur, you've got plenty of padding'." "Ye'll no' even feel this." "Is it oot?" "Aye, that's it oot." "Bobby." "Get me a half." "Quick." "Ye awright?" "Aye I'm awright." "I'm better than awright." "Look out your guid suits, boys!" "Who's deid noo?" "Naebody." "It's a weddin'." "Tam is marrying the librarian." "To what?" "To who?" "Calm yer beans, owl boy! "To what?" "To who?"" "That Frances one?" "Aye." "Aye, they've been gaun aboot thegither for a wee while noo." "Aye well, guid luck to him." "Good luck to her wi' that tight-arsed bastard!" "So when's the do?" "Gie him a chance, Eric." "He's only just telt me there the noo." "He's on his way over to the library to pop the question!" "I'd like to see that!" "Aye, so would I. Ooh, that's lovely!" "I'd love to see that!" "Listen tae youse!" "That's terrible that." "That's an intimate thing that!" "You cannae just go chargin' ower there." "It's a private situation." "In a public building." "Drink up!" "Drink up." "What's up wi' you?" "Eh?" "Ye've been sitting there wi' that book open at the one page for twenty minutes." "Well, you could say I'm preoccupied." "Oh, aye." "Wi' what?" "Frances." "The librarian." "We've been seein' each other for a wee while." "I'm gonnae ask her to marry me." "That's grand." "Good for you, son." "I love tae see that." "So is this you plucking up the courage?" "Aye." "I'm pickin' ma moment here." "I used tae be a fireman." "Oh, aye?" "I met my wife in the station." "She worked there." "Took me a year to work up the courage to ask her to marry me. 50 years noo." "Smashin'." "Nice looking girl, that." "Aye." "Mousy type." "Quiet." "Probably roars like a bear when she comes." "Aye." "EH?" "!" "Roooooaaaaaar!" "Just sayin', that's the type!" "Ye've tae watch the quiet ones!" "Frances." "Hello, darlin'." "Frances..." "I've been thinking..." "You and I have been going out a couple of years noo." "Yes?" "And they say...two can live as cheaply as one." "They do indeed." "You're rattlin' about in that big flat... and I'm rattling' aboot in ma hoose." "Uh-huh?" "Well..." "I was wondering..." "I was wondering if..." "Will..." "Will you marry me?" "Yes, Tam." "I'll marry you." "CHEERING" "Aw, fur fu..." "Ssshh!" "What time does Isa start?" "Ten." "What is it noo?" "Ten tae ten." "That's good." "That gies us ten minutes to tell Navid aboot Tam before Isa gets in there." "I love sticking it to that gabby bastard." "Navid!" "Gentlemen!" "Wait till you hear this!" "Yes." "This is indeed a belter!" "MOBILE PHONE RINGS Hold that thought. ..." "Isa?" "Hello?" "Tam?" "!" "Jesus!" "Married at his age." "Quality!" "Anyway." "What were you saying?" "Disnae matter." "Saw youse running away in front of me there." "Cannae have that!" "Bastard!" "Jesus!" "What's goin' on here?" "I'm joining the Spire chain." "I didnae have ye doon as a sell-oot, Navid." "What d'ye mean sell-oot?" "Hookin' up with Mr Big." "A' they shops are the same!" "I liked it the way you had it." "You knew where everything was." "Spire shops are a' faceless." "Your shop had..." "I don't know... personality." "Aye." "It was personal." "Personally, I couldn't give a rat's arse." "This is about acceptance." "It's a graduation." "To know that I'm not a wee daft shop." "But a shop worthy of the Spire name." "Look at me." "You are looking at a man who is now eligible for a Lottery machine!" "Oh, that's good, right enough." "Intit great?" "It'll be like working in one o' yer big supermarkets." "They're gonnae tile the flair." "Tiles are a lot nicer tae mop." "And do you know what they gle ye?" "Do you know?" "What's that?" "One of they big yellow plastic things that says, "Caution." "Wet floor."" "So as ye don't fall on yer arse." "One of they yellow things that you can move about?" "Aye!" "And ye just leave it there till that bit's dry then you move it to the next bit!" "Aye!" "Like a triangular, pyramid shape?" "Are youse taking' the piss noo?" "Aye." "That'll be the last of that, Mr Harrid." "What?" "Selling adult magazines." "Spire do not trade in pornographic material." "Aw." "That's too bad." "Still." "Out with the old..." "Congratulations, Mr Wilson." "You are the last person to buy wank mags from my shop." "Oh, here we go." "Rod Hull and Emu." "Oh, that's a cracker, aye." "We've got mair chance of getting wur hand up a bird than you have!" "Two pints, ya prick!" "Jack, Victor!" "How's yer plans comin' along, Tam?" "Good, aye." "The registry's booked, so keep Friday free." "There'll be ten of us." "That's if youse are comin'." "Of course we're comin'." "Are you goin' a wee honeymoon?" "No." "Back to ma hoose." "Smashin'." "I've heard it's lovely this time of year." "What aboot grub?" "Ye've gottae huv a do." "I'm no putting' on ma good tie unless I'm getting gravy doon it." "He cannae decide between the Labour Club or here at the Clansman." "The Labour Club is looking for 4.50 a head." "Whereas Boabby, for pie and beans, is looking for a pound a head." "Oh, well, you've made your mind up already, haven't you?" "Pie and beans all round in the convivial atmosphere of the Clansman." "Very glam, Tam." "Who's doin' yer cake?" "Gregg's the Bakers?" "No, that would cost money." "Isa's makin it." "On to more serious matters." "The appointing of a best man." "Victor..." "Yes, Tam?" "It's no' you." "How no?" "!" "You were a candidate, but ye're a big bottle merchant." "Yer arse would collapse before the speech." "Rubbish!" "I tell a smashing joke." "On ye go then." "All right." "My mate Tam, he's so tight fisted... he dropped a pound note one time and when he bent down to pick it up..." "He dropped a pound COIN one time and it hit him on the back of the heid..." "Sit doon, Victor." "Now to Jack." "I've known you a long time, Jack." "You certainly have, Tam." "But it's no' you." "Oh, Jesus!" "You drag the arse oot of everything." "We'd be deid by the time you finished talking." "You're a cheeky bastard!" "The floor is yours." "Away ye go." "Right...em... unaccustomed..." "What do they say?" "Unaccustomed as I am to..." "Och, I've bored masel' there!" "So it's Boabby!" "I am no' doing the pies for any less than a pound a head!" "The natural choice is Winston!" "Fourth, eh?" "Jeezo." "I'm flattered." "Fourth!" "Actually ye're fifth." "He asked me but I telt him tae piss aff." "Well, in spite of masel', I'm honoured." "What exactly are the duties of the best man at a miserable bastard's weddin'?" "Well, apart from the speech, you look efter the ring." "That's a guid one!" "Winston looking efter Tam's ring." "Winston..." "Tam's ring." "Huv ye got the ring?" "Aye." "Gie's a look at it." "Is that an auld ring?" "Aye, it's an auld ring." "It's his auld wedding' ring!" "Ya dirty bastard!" "A ring's a ring." "A bit of Duraglit - it'll be brand new." "You want me to hand over to you and your new wife an auld ring that yer ex-wife threw at you for shagging some lassie off the buses?" "A ring is an unbroken circle, Winston." "It has no history." "No story." "It does if I tell Frances!" "I'm no daein' that." "Winston's right." "A weddin' ring's an important thing." "Get yer arse doon that high street and buy a new ring, ya carpetbagger!" "Where's the sentiment, ya shitpot?" "Tam." "I'm glad I found you." "This best man thing, I cannae dae it." "I've tae go down the social on Friday morning." "Are we buying individual gifts or are we clubbing?" "Definitely club." "Cot it'll no cost us a thing." "How d'ye mean?" "The gift we're giein' him, Jack, is a gift in kind!" "A favour." "We're gonnae video his wedding' for him." "Oh, aye, aye." "That'll get us aff the hook, right enough." "Just go down tae Curry's and rent a video machine or whatever?" "What ye talkin' aboot?" "I've got one." "Ach!" "So ye huv, aye!" "Go and get it." "Hello, Winston!" "Away in." "I'll be back in a sec." "What a palaver that wis!" "Oh, aye?" "That tight bastard tried to buy a silver ring at 16 quid." "Said he was gonnae tell her it was white gold!" ""See if you don't get your haun in your pocket, I'll knock you out!"" "And did he?" "Aye." "A nice one tae." "Gold. 18 carat." "Oh, boy." "That must huv burnt him." "Aye." "He was nearly greeting'." "Shakin' and everything." "Howdy doody, boys!" "Say hello, you're on Candid Camera!" "Hello!" "That's the bollocks, that, intit?" "Aye, that's brilliant." "What ye daein' wi' that?" "We're gonnae do Tam a weddin' video." "How long huv ye had that?" "I dunno." "A couple of year." "It's the JVC Handycam." "CAMERA CRASHES ONTO TABLE" "It's a handy wee thing, that." "How are ye gettin' on with your speech?" "Aye, good." "What was the name of the street Tam was brought up in?" "Oh, aye." "Brogan Street." "What d'you make of that?" "Ooh, that's lovely." "What is that, gold?" "Aye, 18 carat." "Dae that thing." "Aw, no..." "Come on, Jack." "It's funny." "Dae it." "Aye, gie's it." "What's going on?" "Shut up." "Watch this." "On ye go, Jack." "JACK SINGS A JAUNTY TUNE" "Where did it go?" "# Ta-da!" "#" "That's brilliant, that." "You should do that on the day." "Dae it again." "PHONE RINGS" "Very good." "Gimme it." "I've swallied it." "Bloody phone." "Hello?" "Naw, it's Victor." "Hold on." "Winston, it's Tam." "JACK COUGHS You all right, Jack?" "Hello, Tam." "Aye, Jack's here, an a'." "What did they think of the ring?" "Eh...delicious." "Aye, I'll see ye in the Clansman." "Turn that bastard thing aff!" "MICROWAVE PINGS Ah, look at that!" "Two minutes." "Hot dog." "Ready to go." "You want a hotdog, Meena?" "No." "Good." "It's aboot time you lost a bit of weight off that gut of yours." "Isa?" "Oh, lovely." "That's roasting', that." "I never take a hotdog." "Yes, sir." "Four Stellas, please." "Aye, nae bother." "Brian Semple." "Spire customer services." "You are not allowed to trade liquor after ten, Mr Harrid." "But it's only two minutes past ten." "Two minutes PAST ten." "If I'd been CID, Spire would have lost their licence." "Gie's another chance." "What?" "I'll put the cans back, you ask me for them again." "Right." "Four cans of Stella please." "Four cans of Stella?" "What kind of place do you think this is?" "This is a Spire store!" "That sort of behaviour will not be tolerated!" "Buy alcohol at a responsible hour!" "Not at two minutes past ten!" "Now get out, ya alkie bastard!" "That's better." "Remember, Mr Harrid, you carry the Spire name now." "It is your job to vigorously protect that brand name." "I hear you." "It's a cocktail, Jack." "Olive Oil, white paraffin, castor oil and prune juice." "It's called a jollop." "This is what they gle the horses when they're no shiteing regular." "This'll blow the bastard through." "Huv I tae drink it?" "No, Jack." "You rub it on yer tummy(!" ") Of course ye've tae drink it." "Ach, I've had Andrews Liver Salts and two plates of prunes." "That wisnae too bad." "Well...?" "See when I was a wee boy, see if ever you were constipated, my grandmother would..." "Oh, Jesus!" "How ye getting on?" "I've think I've had a movement, yes." "Is the ring in amongst it?" "Eh..." "I'd have tae sieve through it." "You'll need to help me." "Sorry, Jack." "I believe it was John Paul Sartre who said..." ""Through his ain shite, a man must wade alone."" "Where's that ring, ya bastards?" "Ssh!" "Calm doon." "Jack's working on it." "You'd better huv it for the morning!" "Winston." "Right, gents..." "It's customary at a stag night to have a wee bit of entertainment, so best of order and a warm welcome for..." "Lolita!" "MUSIC STARTS" "You paid for a stripper?" "!" "Who's Tam?" "Got a nice frock for the weddin', Isa?" "Aye, I'll run hame and get changed efter I'm done here." "We're looking forward to it." "At least it gets us oot the shop for a few hours, ya moaning' faced boot!" "About time an' a'." "My arse is freezing here!" "Mornin'." "Mornin'." "Where do I hang my coat?" "Well, I'll, eh..." "Aye, right." "What's this?" "I'm Gerry, Mr Harrid." "I'll be here for a couple of weeks." "What fur?" "Have they no' phoned?" "You're on probation cos of the booze and the wet floor." "We have to keep an eye on things." "Where's your jacket?" "It's there." "I've just took it aff." "We're all going to a weddin'." "Gonnae shut the shop for a couple of hours." "Not the day." "Eh?" "Spire's policy is to be available for customers from 7am until 11pm." "Aye, I know but..." "No buts." "You don't work for yourself now, Mr Harrid." "You work for Spire." "Oh, aye." "And you... don't work for Spire." "What's that, son?" "Our customer services agent who slipped and fell on your wet floor in here could have been a customer and it could have resulted in a law suit." "I'm afraid that's a sackable offence." "That's wrong." "Ye've got soup at 59 pence." "It's 49 pence." "And your orange juice should be on a special." "Dear, oh dear." "Now you listen here!" "Isa's worked here for 12 years!" "12 years, eh?" "You'll have records, then, Mr Harrid." "She'll be on your books." "Are you on the books?" "No." "Didnae think so." "You canna just walk in here..." "No." "No, it's all right, Navid." "I'll get ma coat." "I'm probably no' right for this place noo anyway." "I can see ye're a bit shook up." "That's only natural." "It's always the case that when we take over a shop there's teething problems." "People in your position can't adapt to the changes." "The best thing to remember is you are no longer you." "You are agent 357." "No." "No, you're right." "I see what ye're sayin'." "But you know what the problem is?" "What's that?" "I hate being agent 357." "At any time in your life, it's possible to find love." "For most of us, it comes early." "But for some of us, it comes a little later." "Marriage in Scotland may either be religious or civil." "Both are of the same legal standing." "And Tam and Frances have chosen..." "GRUNTING" "Jack!" "Jack!" "For God's sake." "It's now or never!" "STRAINED VOICE:" "I'm trying!" "You're no bloody help!" "Try harder!" "PHRRRBBBTT!" "Bingo!" "The ring, please." "Oh, yes." "Oh, aye, the ring..." "A lovely thing, the ring." "A circle of love..." "DOOR OPENS" "...on your finger." "The...the... loop of long life!" "The hoop of happiness!" "The ring!" "# Ring!" "Ring!" "Why don't you give me a call?" "# Ring... #" "Yes." "Quite." "Could we have the ring now, please?" "Just a wee speck of dirt." "I now pronounce you man and wife." "Boabby!" "Boabby!" "Whit?" "A lager and a heavy!" "In a minute!" "A vodka and lemonade here!" "Haud yer horses!" "Where's MA pie and beans?" "MICROWAVE PINGS Shut up." "I'm goin' as fast as I can!" "Thanks, everybody." "I'm sure you'll agree we're having a smashing' day." "Just a quick thank you to Boabby who assures us that everyone will get their pie and beans just as soon as he's finished cooking them one at a time in that shitey microwave of his!" "We were gonnae go into a big hotel in the town for the meal, but then Tam saw the bill!" "And what with him being so..." "Miserable?" "Tight arse!" "Thrifty will do, thank you." "Quiet in the back." "So we find ourselves here at the Clansman." "To put your mind at ease, ladies," "Boabby assures me there is a brand-new toilet roll in the ladies loo for the first time in six year!" "And so...to oor Tam." "I wouldnae say Tam's miserable, but one time he dropped a pound coin and when he bent doon to pick it up, it hit him on the back of the heid!" "There are many stories I could tell aboot Tam, but the one that springs to mind is when we were posted to Frankfurt during National Service." "That was at the time when a certain Elvis Aaron Presley was also in Frankfurt." "Well, you can imagine, the place was jumpin' wi' frauleins." "But Tam, ever the wily old fox, was aye good at the American accent." "So he says tae this lassie at a bar, "Aye, I ken Elvis." "He's a pal o' mine!"" "So there you have it, Tam back up in the hotel room with this fraulein, he whips his uniform aff..." "Hope ye don't mind me telling this, Frances, but he was a young man." "He whips aff the uniform, the fraulein whips off her drawers and - wallop!" " full set!" "Big cock." "Hairy balls." "I've got mair stories, mair stories aboot Tam, but..." "Ach, I've said enough." "Tam..." "Tam and Frances." "SHE SNIFFS" "That was nice that." "Congratulations, Tam and Frances, on your weddin'." "We hope you enjoyed the tape." "This is me and Jack the day before yer wedding'." "What's happenin' in the bathroom?" "Let's go see, shall we?" "C'mon, ya bastard!" "Stupid idea swallowing that ring!" "Oh, come on, Victor!" "Get oot!" "Sling yer hook!"