"I'm telling you, Ashley, it's the perfect thing for Granny's visit." "Look, we enter here, we go past the llamas and giraffes... take a look at the monkey house... and then end with a ride on the Ferris wheel." "For the last time... we are not breaking into Michael Jackson's house." "Man, what's up?" "We're picking up Grandma from the airport." "She won't want to hear that garbage when she gets here." "The reason you don't like the music is because you can't dance." "Really?" "In your face." "So it turned out I did get an "A" in my English mid-term... and the A minus was in Math." "What a crazy week that was." "That takes us up to the spring quarter." "That's when l" "Worked hard, got good grades, made the honor roll, the end." "Granny!" "Oh, sugar!" "Will, as handsome as ever." "Grandma, as generous as ever." "Did you notice how Carlton's grown?" "He's almost into adult sizes." "Congratulations, dear." "I've been looking through the guidebooks... I found an attraction with your name written all over it." "What's that, honey?" "Raging Waters." "Are you insane?" "lt's a little late to be asking." "She's here to rest and recuperate." "She's just gotten over the flu." "I told you it was a cold." "What did the doctor say?" "Us country folks don't run to the doctor at every sneeze, sniffle, or broken bone." "We are not the spendthrifts you are, Zeke." "Zeke." "That one always kills me." "Granny, I love when you come to visit." "Did you bring the picture of him and the goat?" "Never leave home without it." "Yes, sir, I'll be getting a frame for this one." "Hattie." "Hello!" "Honey, you are younger and prettier every time I see you." "Will you look at you two?" "You could enter a beauty contest." "Grandma." "Really?" "I never gave it much thought." "Just think, for the talent portion, you could twirl a checkbook." "Grandma, are we gonna do some more crafts while you're here?" "We sure are." "Geoffrey!" "Yes, madam?" "Ashley and I are going to be doing some art." "We're going to need 50 Popsicle sticks... two bags of macaroni wheels, and lots and lots of glitter." "I'm way ahead of you." "In anticipation of your visit... I have saved two dozen egg cartons." "Thank you, Geoffrey, but we won't be making purses this time." "Speaking of art, I thought we could go to the museum." "They have a display on 100-year-old quilts." "I got one of them in the back of my truck." "I know what'd be perfect for Grandma:" "A complete day of beauty where the salon... does your hair, makeup, nails, and you come out looking fabulous." "I don't think your grandmother would be interested." "Then can I do it?" "I know we all have plans for Grandma, but let her relax a little bit first." "Sweetie, I feel fine." "Maybe so, Mama, but... while you're here I want you to take it easy." "You are not to lift a finger." "We're gonna treat you like a queen." "You said the magic words." "Excuse me." "Did I just win the Kentucky Derby?" "Mr. Banks instructed me to keep you warm at all times." "Why don't you just light me on fire?" "I'm already hotter than a dog in a wool wagon." "Now git!" "While the gitting's good, madam." "Granny, what you doing?" "Nothing much, I'm afraid." "Your uncle gave me this book of find-the-word puzzles." "So I found all the words." "Now what do I do with them?" "You shouldn't just be sitting here." "You should do something you like doing, like...." "l don't know... baking me a sweet potato pie." "Baby, much as I'd like to, I think your uncle wants me to stay put." "Now that's your first mistake." "He tells me all kinds of stuff to do... and I never listen to him." "And I'm a better person for it." "How come you're just sitting around?" "Don't you have any plans?" "No, not really." "You got to have a girl." "No kidding." "There's no one that gets your sap rising?" "There's this girl named Tanya, I met her at the mall." "She works in a fancy men's store where even the underwear comes from Europe." "I don't know if she'd go out with anybody in local drawers." "Sets to mind a heifer we once had." "You ain't seen Tanya." "You listen up." "Petunia had two bulls liking her." "One a big strong Angus with a chest as wide as a Chevy." "That one's me, right?" "The other was a slim, handsome Jersey." "A real lady's bull." "Word to Granny." "That one's me, right?" "All season long, Petunia just couldn't decide." "So come fall, she ups and picks the Angus." "See?" "No." "By then, breeding season was over." "Maybe if you changed it to cats or something." "Everybody be quiet." "Grandma's probably sleeping." "She's going to love my gift." "I didn't know Leonard Nimoy even sang." "That was very thoughtful, Carlton." "Thank you." "I smell something funny." "It smells like pine or something." "I smell it, too." "I thinks it's coming from the kitchen." "What is that smell?" "Watch your step." "The floor is wet." "Mother, what are you doing?" "I'm picking apples from a cherry tree." "What does it look like I'm doing?" "I'm giving your floor a good hand scrubbing." "That's Geoffrey's job." "No, it ain't." "I have begun the mulch pile, madam." "Fine, I'll be out to look at it directly, right after I flip the mattresses." "Hold on, Mama." "Sorry, sir, but she threatened me with a whupping." "It seems like you're back to your old self." "I have an idea for this afternoon." "I know how proud you are of your azaleas." "Why don't we go to the botanical gardens and see how theirs stack up?" "l'll get my sweater." "Why?" "Mama, you cold?" "Geoffrey, turn up the heat." "Sir, I already set the thermostat on 80 as you requested." "The candles are starting to melt." "I just wanted my sweater because we are going to the gardens." "We can go to the garden later this week." "I want you to get settled in." "I am more settled than a big old box of raisin bran." "Mama, don't excite yourself." "is there anything I can get for you?" "How about a magazine?" "Or a game." "Or some moisturizer." "I have an idea." "Why don't we all take a dip in the pool?" "Sounds good." "That way we can all get out and let Mama take a nap." "I want to swim, too." "You shouldn't swim when getting over the flu." "We'll see you after your nap." "Nap!" "Why don't they put me in a playpen?" "Yo, DJ Granny." "What's going on?" "Nothing." "And your uncle aims to keep it that way." "I know he means well... but a body has to feel useful." "Useful?" "You know that girlie advice you gave me?" "It worked like a charm." "Really?" "I don't remember it exactly... but I just walked up to her and said:" ""Bulls and cows need to get together before it starts snowing."" "And she understood that?" "No, but she liked my hair." "We're going out on her first night off." "That's fine." "But I don't have a date for the concert tonight." "Who's playing?" "Heavy D." "I love him." "You do?" "Who doesn't like Charlie Daniels?" "This is another Heavy D, Granny." "Maybe if I play this tape for you." "Check it out." "Not bad." "Can't understand what he's saying... but it does have a beat to it." "What kind of dance you do to this?" "Trust me on this one." "It's very complicated. lt takes a lot of hard study and dedication to learn." "Honey, I ain't got that kind of time." "You're getting there!" "This kind of dancing works up quite an appetite." "What say I make us some flapjacks?" "Granny, will you marry me?" "Sweet talker!" "This is the good part." "I'll turn up the Victrola." "Yeah!" "Go, Granny." "What's going on in here?" "Mama, are you all right?" "Of course I am." "Take your hands off of me." "Will, why were you playing that music?" "Grandma's supposed to be resting." "You're grounded." "Grounded?" "All I did was play some music loud." "Sounds more like a no-dessert offense, isn't it?" "You heard what I said." "All right, Uncle Philip... I got backstage passes to the Heavy D concert." "You say yourself how awful rap music is." "Let's say we make that my punishment." "Please don't make me go." "Nice try, Will." "Don't get so worked up." "I was just having fun." "Mama, a woman your age should not be dancing around." "Boy, don't you tell me what to do." "I'm sorry. I was just trying to look out for you." "Will, no more horsing around." ""Will, no more horsing around."" "That boy is about as much fun as day-old oatmeal." "I noticed that." "Granny, since we're both grounded... want to go upstairs, slam our bedroom doors, and throw things?" "A woman my age shouldn't be dancing." "We'll see about that." "Spoiling my fun." "Yours?" "I can't believe I'm not going to that concert." "You are going to that concert." "l am?" "That's right." "With me." "But Uncle Phil won't let us." "Uncle Phil won't see us." "Sneaking out?" "You?" "Honey, you are looking at a woman... who has snuck out to more barn dances... hayrides, and midnight skinny-dips than a chicken has pecks." "All right!" "Looks like you've got plans for the evening." "Yeah." "Got me a couple of extra pillows." "I like to turn in early at my age." "Would you like some hot chocolate?" "Lord, no!" "Don't need the stimulation." "Good night." "Good night, honey." "That was close." "But I was cool." "Good work 0070." "Now here's the plan." "The concert starts at 8:00." "My friend Jazz will meet us at the corner at 7:00." "He'll flash his lights twice, then drive us to the Bel-Air border." "There, we'll meet with a guy known only as the Captain." "He'll drive us the rest of the way." "No questions asked." "What's the code words?" "Here's $10." "Got you." "You're going to be ready to go?" "No problem." "Good, you'll blend in." "I brought these pillows to put them in our beds... so they think we're sleeping." "Nice try, but today it's all done electronically." "Check it." "That's lovely, dear." "My brother... for the last time, she is not Queen Latifah." "Finally we're here." "For a minute, I thought Uncle Phil saw us out that window." "What a hideous expression on his face." "Word." "Thank God he just had a mouthful of Gummy Bears." "You want to sit down?" "Don't you start treating me like an old person." "What do we do first?" "Buy T-shirts and get something to eat." "Good idea." "I think we can both use some chilidogs... with lots of cheese." "Listen, I'm paying." "Granny, that marriage proposal still stands." "What do you mean your grandma wasn't in her room?" "I went to tell her good night... there were just pillows under the covers." "Where on earth would she get an idea like that?" "Will!" "How could he still be sleeping?" "Look at this." "I can't believe how low Will will stoop to deceive you." "With this tape, who knows how many times he could sneak out... for a whole night completely unnoticed." "You think Will and Grandma are all right?" "l'm sure they are." "Okay, I'm going to bed." "I don't understand." "Where would they be at this hour?" "The Heavy D concert." "I accidentally overheard Will on the phone... when I was trying to clean my receiver." "Will probably dragged my mother with him." "l'm going down there." "l'm going with you. lt's a rap concert." "You want to be with someone who knows how to be hip." "$10 for a T-shirt." "That boy must be crazy." "I still ain't sure how you managed to get it for $1 .25 and a picture of Grandpa." "I've been thinking." "Maybe we should call home." "I know how it is. I've been a parent." "I've been a kid, and the answer is... bad choice, Joyce." "I mean, they'd kill us." "Twice over." "I'm sorry to bother you." "Miss Fitzgerald?" "I'm a big fan of yours." "Can I have your picture taken with me?" "Come on, she's not" "Ever too busy for a fan." "They had backstage passes." "It shouldn't be too hard to find them." "Let's hurry up." "This is weird." "Can you believe how these kids dress?" "It's beginning to get to me." "Excuse me a moment. I just...." "Could I see your backstage pass, please?" "I don't have one." "I'm here looking for my mother." "And your sister knows a member of the band, right?" "You groupies are all alike." "I am not a groupie." "Call it what you like, but take it from me, Heavy D doesn't want to hear you rap." "Where do you think you're going?" "Pardon me." "Have you seen a kid in wild, colorful clothing... with an earring in his ear and the sides of his head shaved?" "Nope." "You better get to your seat, the concert's about to start." "I'm not here to see some stupid concert." "Never mind. I'll find him myself." "He couldn't have gotten too far." "Everybody, put your hands together for Heavy D!" "Boo!" "When the crowd saw he wasn't Heavy D, they was upset." "Uncle Phil, you had the shortest rap career in history." "But I do feel bad." "All the trouble we caused you." "Yeah, you're right." "Me, too." "Oh, well!" "You all should've seen Granny." "She was great." "She climbed down from the second story window... then she ran to Jazz's car... then helped push it up the hill when it stalled." "Philip, I think you're right." "I don't think Hattie's up to seeing those azaleas tomorrow." "Why, I sure am, and after that..." "Hilary and I are going to get those facials." "Grandma, you haven't lived until you've had a mud mask." "What people don't pay for in Beverly Hills." "Good night, Grandma." "Good night." "And then, Ashley, baby... you and I are going to make us some macaroni rain hats." "Great!" "Good night, Grandma." "Good night, precious." "After all that activity, you're going to need a rest." "That's when you can tell me more about your schoolwork, dear." "Excellent!" "Good night, Grandma." "Good night, baby." "You know, Granny, you were a great date tonight." "You showed me a great time." "And to thank you... tomorrow I'm going to bake you a sweet potato pie." "Granny, I don't think you should be waking up all early." "Let's get started on it now." "Will, I think it's time for bed." "Good night, Granny." "Good night, baby." "Good night, Mama." "Good night, darling." "Don't go giving me that look, Zeke." "That's the same look you give me at the county fair... when I wouldn't let you climb up the greasy pole." "Now, you're not all that mad with me, are you?" "Mama, yes, I am." "I try to set some rules down for Will... and you undermined my authority." "I know how to handle things." "I am an adult." "I am, too, Zeke." "l know that." "Do you?" "How many adults do you tell to take a nap?" "Mama, I was just worried about you." "But I'm fine, baby." "I know." "When you had the flu and I talked to you on the phone... you sounded so small." "I just want you to live a long time." "Then, Zeke... let me live." "English"