"(Man) Uno, dos, tres, cuatro." "(# Jaunty tune)" "Hello." "A break from tradition this week on Outdoor Wee, as I'm joined by top racehorse trainer Thelma Barclay." " Thelma, welcome." " Hello, there." "Now, as I hinted at in my brief introduction, it's a little bit unusual to have a lady joining us here on Outdoor Wee, but you, it didn't seem to faze you." "Oh, no, good God, no." "Wouldn't let a little thing like that bother me." "Oh, go ahead, I've started already." " (Trickling)" " Right oh." " You were saying?" " Yes, well, I grew up on a farm." "Five elder brothers." "Rolling around as youngster with all the pigs and cows and sheep and chickens." "And, of course, horses, which have been my first and only love." "Indeed." "In fact, so, you've become quite accustomed to weeing outdoors." "Oh, good God, yes." "Over the years I've become quite deft." "Look, I can do this." "My word, that is impressive." "Oh, thank you." "(# Spoof James Bond theme)" " Now, pay attention, this could save your life." " Oh, is that a fact?" "Just wait a moment." "I'm gonna shove that right up your..." " Aha." " Wow." "And that's not all." "Better put the goggles on." "So there you are, standing with an apparently innocent umbrella." "Putchek approaches, you draw your sword." "He's taken aback, his eyes glued to the deadly lustre." "Then..." " (Alarm)" " Take that you miserable Russian piece of shit!" "Bastard!" "That's for Moscow!" "That's for Vladivostock!" "That's for our submarine!" "That's for President bloody Brezhnev!" "Now you try." "I really want Tom at next week's AGM." "Yeah, you see, I just have one problem with that which is... (Sighs) Let me tell you from the horse's mouth, I'd sooner be getting on with my accounts." "(Quiet chatter)" "This is Sheila, everyone, form over the road." "Ohh, Sheila!" "Glad you could stagger over." "Erm, introductions - this is Rob, Keith, Keith's wife Cyn, short for Cynthia," "Les, Carol, Jill, Dave, another Les and Susan." " (Laughs) Got that?" " Yes." "OK." " Who's sitting next to Jill?" " Sorry?" " Next to Jill!" "Come on, you said you had it!" " Ron, please." " She said she had it." " Um..." "Um..." "Is it Carol?" "Huh!" "That's Carol." "Now, I'll ask you again, who is sitting next to Jill?" "Um..." " Les." " Les?" "There are two Les's." " She's clutching at straws, Ron." " I know." " Go on, you better shoot off, love." " Ron." "Get out!" "Get out my house." "Go on." "Get out my house!" "Anyway, so we're gonna knock this through, um, and..." "I'm sorry Al, it'll never happen again." "Don't give me those eyes, Al, I can't bear it when you look at me like that." "I'll be crying all over my wife again." "Titchmarsh just about busted my sorry ass, mister." "He is livid." "Did he not like the script?" "John, he loves the script." "He told me to make sure to thank you personally for the wonderful gift of this script." "You guys have done a magical, fairy tale job on this wonderful script." "He loves the words in the script, he loves the spaces in between the words in the script." "Yep, there's just one problem." "Your script stinks!" "(They chuckle)" " You know Samantha Janus?" " Oh, yeah." "What's she really like?" "Well, I don't know her personally." " What other way is there of knowing someone?" " Ron." "No, dear." "He said he knew her." "Well, I thought you meant do I know of her." "Well, if I'd meant do you know of her, I'd have said "Do you know of her?"" "As it was I said, do you know her, you said yes, so what's she like?" "He doesn't know her, Ron." "He lied." "I know." "Go on, get out of my house!" "Get out of my house!" "Come on, love." "She can stay." "Shall I open a window?" "(Siren)" "(Tyres screech)" "Thank God." "It's this guy, he's in real trouble." "Thank you." "They do tell me." "They don't just let me drive around, waiting to be hailed like a cabbie." "Which bloke fell through the plate-glass window?" "Is it this one lying unconscious in the street?" "Let's do something about him, then." " He's losing a lot of blood." " Oh, is he?" "I'm so glad you're here to tell me." "I thought that was just a pool of Vimto collecting round his head." "But no, oh yes, apparently it's blood." "Tell me, is that bad?" "Shall we try and stop the bleeding?" "Yes, we'll do that then, shall we?" "Do crowd in, it's so much easier when it's cosy." " I'd hate him to get too much air." " Should we put him on the ambulance?" "Yeah, sling him in the ambulance." "Has he got any broken limbs?" "Let's just waggle them and see." "If he cries out in pain, then we know he's still alive." "Sorry, sorry, you'll have to excuse me." "I'm being crap." " He's still bleeding, Doctor." " Is he?" "It usually stops." "And I'm not a doctor, I'm a paramedic." "The difference is about five years' training, which apparently I wasn't up to, so you'd better hope he's got something pretty obvious." "Oh, Christ!" "Look at the blood!" "Oh, shit, shit, shit!" "Oh, no, that...that's just made it worse." " Right, that's it, I-I can't do it." "I'm crap." " Perhaps we should stitch him up." "You stitch him up!" "I'm crap." "All right!" "All right." "Get out the way, I'll do it." "I can stitch up a corpse, you kn..." "Oh, Christ, shit!" "Look at the blood, I think I'm gonna throw up." "Right, that's it, electric shock treatment." "Aagh!" "Ooh, I've been looking forward to this all day." "It's my little treat." "Want a quick bite before I devour it?" "No, I don't like them much." "Go on!" "Have a bite." "All right." "Now, Sarah, now I'm eating this, I find that I like it more than I thought." "And what I'd like to do is eat the rest of it." "If I crammed the rest of this into my mouth before you could get hold of it, would you forgive me?" "No, I probably wouldn't." "Yeah, seriously though, it's only a cake." "You would forgive me." "You'd probably be really annoyed but it's not as if you wouldn't speak to me ever again." "You would forgive me." "Yeah, I probably would." " When?" " What?" "By when will you have forgiven me?" "Don't mess me about, I know it won't be too long." "Well..." "I suppose...some time next week." "Right." "Well, I'm away Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday next week, so we're talking Thursday." "Would you have forgiven me by then?" " Yeah." " Right." "(Muffled) See you Thursday." "(Laughter) Well, er, ahem." "This is, um..." "This is mine." "Uh, Motorola StarTAC 70." "Star Trek 70, more like." "Beam me up, Scotty. (Laughs)" "What was that?" "Captain Kirk." "Course, he never actually said those words." "See, Ron, he knew, didn't he?" "Can he stay?" "Y-Yes." "So, you know a lot about Star Trek, do you?" "Ah, you know, bit of a buff." "All right, OK, who played Dr Spock?" "Leonard Nimoy." "He played Mr Spock, Dr Spock was a child psychiatrist." "Get out of my house!" "Go on, both of you, get out of my house!" "So, this is north-facing, so we never get the sun." "Right." "(# Spoof James Bond theme)" "Now, pay attention." "A perfectly ordinary Aston Martin..." "or so you might think." "I know it is." "I don't have to wear these but I think they look rather smart." "The ordinary car." "Yeah, so, you've lured Putchek into your car." "He has his gun and he thinks he has you." "But, concealed beneath the dashboard..." "Travel sweet, Putchek?" " (Alarm)" " Take that you nasty Russian spy!" "That'll teach you to smoke in my car!" "Creepy Muscovite bastard!" "You bastard!" "(Coughs)" "I'll get the bus." "We're still working on the... (Coughs) sherbet coating." "Course, Lewis is the only true heavyweight contender we've ever produced." "Well, he moved like an athlete." "You know, like Ali." "Exactly, yeah." "He's a true pugilist, a boxer." "Not just a hitter or a muscle-bound monster like Bruno." "Yeah, monster." " (Jocular groan)" " What was that?" "You know, Frankenstein. (Groans)" "Can you take the bolts out of my neck, 'Arry?" "(Laughs)" "Dr Frankenstein was the name of the man who made the monster, wasn't it?" "(Opens door)" "(Door closes)" "Est-ce que vous avez entendu?" "Rolf 'Arris." "(Gasps) Il est mort?" "Non, mais il a vendu son âme au diable." "Quoi?" "Il a abandonné sa carrière artistique." "(Gasps)" "Mais pourquoi?" "Est-ce qu'il est devenu fou?" "Non, mais il est ivre de la célébrité à cause de son émission populaire, 'Animal Hospital'." "(Gasps of disgust)" "Et l'art?" "Bof!" "Le maître!" "Nous sommes perdus sans le maître!" "Mais non!" "Non!" "Nous avons acheté beaucoup de son oeuvre et cela aura un valeur inestimable!" "Ah, ouais!" "À cause de 'Animal Hospital' nous sommes des millionnaires!" "(Cries of delight)" "(Imitates didgeridoo sound)" "Know why I fly kites?" "Cos it's pussy on a stick." "It's that feeling of raw power, the whiplash of wind on canvas." "Kinda like a blow job from God." "Generally girls will line up to see how I'm controlling the kite's movements." "Darting back and forth, turning, swirling, sailing majestically through the ether, and draw their own conclusions - i.e. if he can do that with a kite, what can he do with a cock?" "A lot of girls like to fly their kites near me." "Usually our wires end up tangled, it's kinda like foreplay." "That soon proceeds to a big hump right there in the park with the sun burning my back." "I fly a box kite." "They're big, they're heavy, they mean business." "The kind of kites that attract my eye are slim, well turned-out and on for a ----." "Get kiting, get laid." "Go figure." "Do you do poison?" "No, sir, just books." "This is a library, sir." "Silly question." "Do you do books about poison?" "Yes, in the poison section." "It's over there in between pointing and Poitiers." "Thanks!" "What's the biggest book in this whole place?" "It's the OED, it's in 20 volumes..." "Could you strap them together into a droppable block?" "Erm, well, I suppose." " Have you got any wieldable single volumes?" " Readable?" "Wieldable!" "Something you can swing round your head like a mace, with spikes." "W-We don't like people treating books roughly." "What are you saying?" "I'm just looking for a fireside read." "I just wanna curl up with a good book." "Have you got any books that make people curl up, in agony?" " Erm..." " Shouldn't you tell me to keep my voice down?" "Have you any books about noises, like that very deep noise that makes you shit?" " Well..." " If you made the right noise loud enough could you make a person shit their whole selves?" "No." "Definitely not." "Have you got books containing terrible truths?" "Truths so terrible you could age a person prematurely with the weight of knowledge?" " Well, yes." " Any person?" "You know, say, a 50-year-old woman, who looked like this?" "It would depend how sensitive they were." "How can you make a person more sensitive?" "Is it with poetry?" "Could you read them Baudelaire until they cried to death?" " Unlikely." " I like your stamp." "Could you stamp a person for being overdue?" "Could you stamp them hard?" " Can I borrow you stamp?" " If you like." "Bonza." "Er, I first became interested in naturism yesterday and since then it's been more or less a way of life." "It's been difficult as, er, Samantha is perhaps a bit uptight, but, um..." "I'm not saying she's frigid or anything but it is a struggle to be accepted." "It's all very well him coming in and saying he's a naturist, but I don't get no say in the matter." "I mean, I might not want him all out." "And I think the kids are fairly traumatised." "That's my choice, innit?" "I'm a naturist and if you don't like..." "No, you are not a naturist." "If you was a naturist you would not be sitting there" " in four-day-old pants." " But..." "I mean, I don't know what that is." " That's a panturist of whatever." " There's no such thing as a panturist," " you just made that up." " Well, maybe." "But what I'm sayin' is, there are some people who like goin' round starkers for the freedom or whatever it is, and then most people go round dressed, like me and the kids and the queen and everybody else." "And then there's you in just your pants, that's not a movement, that's just you." "I'll be very surprised if it catches on." "Caught on with me." "(Laughs)" "Stop it, Al, you're killing me!" "I am literally having a stroke." "That's the funniest I heard since a thing David Hasselhoff told me a party." "It wasn't meant to be funny but it came out kinda surreal." "Did he like the rewrite?" "Shut your ass!" "Don't you know Alan Titchmarsh is asleep in there, mister?" "Sorry." "Did he like the rewrite?" "He hates the rewrite." "He thinks it's the worst rewrite since Tim Brooke-Taylor tried to rewrite Citizen Kane as a kids' race." "But he's definitely gonna do it." "And you wanna know why?" "It's because he loves you guys." "Why don't you ever go in there and speak to the man?" "He's just a human being, for Christ's sakes." "Oh." "Yeah, OK." "Where the hell do you think you're going?" "You can't go in there." "Alan Titchmarsh is in there having his afternoon swim!" "Right." "Now, what we're doing here is that Kevin is a drug dealer." "I mean, he's not, he's a police officer, like me." "Like me, he isn't me." "He's Kevin, aren't you?" " Yeah." " Yeah." "So, don't worry, he's not a monster." " He's still Kevin." " Trust me, I'm a doctor." "Yeah." "No." "No, you're not a doctor." "You're a..." "You're a police officer." "Well, firstly you're Kev..." "I mean, you're a drug..." "OK, first things first, you're Kevin." "I mean, no one can take that away from you." "Second..." "ly, you are a policeman, officer of the law." "And then three, third, you're..." "Have I done Kevin, that you're Kevin?" " Yeah." " Yeah." "Yeah." "Oh, yeah." "And then thirdly, you're a drug dealer." "Yeah." "So...where are we?" "W-Why are you dressed like that?" " I'm in disguise." " He's in disguise, that's it!" " Shhh!" " Shhh. (Quietly) He's in disguise." "He's a drug dealer - course, he's not." "He's pretending, I saw him get changed." "Now, the other drug dealers, they're not pretending." "See, they're not police officers, as far as we know." "I mean, I'd be very surprised." " It's be wrong." " Yeah, it'd be wrong." "But they are pretending, to us at least, that they're not drug dealers because it's against the, er..." " Law." " ...grain." "Law!" "Yeah." "Law." "So, Kevin's gonna go over there and pretend to them, so that they stop pretending not to, to him." "It's a disguise, it's brilliant." "Because if they don't stop pretending not to, then they wouldn't sell any drugs and that'd be just madness." "It'd be, you know, Monty Python." "So, Kevin's gonna go and talk to them now, pretending...that..." "Have I explained this properly?" "Should've changed me shoes." "What you're saying is that if I'm gonna be a proper naturist" "I've gotta take off my pants and parade around for your titillation?" "It's hardly gonna titillate me." "I've seen it all before, many times." " I've seen it when it was worth looking at." " Thanks a lot." " I feel a bit self-conscious now." " It's not my fault." "I might feel better if you took your clothes off, then it'd be fair." "No, Gary, it would not be fair, cos you still haven't taken all yours off." "So, what you're saying is that a proper naturist can't wear anything ever." " Well..." " If you've got a naturist DJ, he can't wear headphones." "And a short-sighted naturist has just got to squint because wearing glasses'd be letting the side down." "Well, like what's your reason for wearing pants?" "Hygiene." "Well, there's no answer to that, is there?" "Anyway, it was clearly offside." "Yeah, it's a disgrace." " Sorry to interrupt, blokes." " What is it, Sparky?" "Drinks for everyone!" "Never mind that, what are you doing here?" "I'm having a night out with my mates." "Terrible, tragic news, Roger." "Awful, life-changing catastrophic news that every man must one day face." "All right, let's have it." "Both your parents have dropped dead." "It was completely unexpected." "They were walking along the road..." "Sparky, they both died in a car crash six years ago." "Now go away." "Anyway, as I was saying, the referee was clearly out of order." "Roger, you know when I scamper round and round the living room faster and faster and faster until I'm just a blur?" " Yes." " Well, I was doing that a few hours ago and I'm afraid I knocked your David Hockney print off the wall." "The one with the naked bloke in the swimming pool." " You favourite one." " David Hockney?" "Naked bloke?" "Sparky, shut up and go home." "Will I have to paint your willy green again tonight?" "Uh..." "I will, though I must tell you, Roger," "Dr Twinkie in the toy shop thinks your activities are grossly unnatural." "Sparky." "Look, it's getting late." "We'd better be, er, going." " Yeah." "See you round, Roger." " Uh..." "N..." "Wait..." " I had to do it, Roger." " What?" "Because it's Subbuteo night, Roger!" "Come on, I'll set everything up." "Goal!" " I'll get you!" " (Laughs) You gormless wazzock!" "Good morrow!" "Which is English literature for "hiya"!" "You're watching BBC Digital Active online Alevelfunsizechoice.knowledge and this is the English literature zone!" "If you're studying English literature then you're probably a bit of a boffin to start with." "So, panic ye notte!" "Now, the first book that ever got written was called Beowulf and it was based on the TV series Manimal, starring Simon MacCorkindale." "(Both growl)" "Sadly, we don't see so much of Simon MacCorkindale these days but literature goes from strength to strength." "Examples of English literature are Paradise Lost by John Milton and The Twits by Roald Dahl." "Books can be about anything, they don't have to be about battles or flowers." "(Both growl)" "Literature can even be about football!" "Examples of this are An Evening With Gary Lineker by Arthur Smith and Chris England and Fever Pitch by Nick Hornby, who supports Arsenal." "(Man) Top English literature fact number one - panicke ye notte." "(Woman) Fact two " "Paradise Lost by John Milton and The Twits by Roald Dahl." "(Man) And fact three " "Nick Hornby supports Arsenal." "Tune in next time when we'll clue you up on the three things that'll get you through A level physics." "(Both) See ya!" "I mean, a lot of very respectable people do it." " Like who?" " Well, they don't admit it!" "But there's a rumour that, um, Jenny Bond, that news lady, she likes it in the nuddy." "I'm not saying it's true, I'm just saying I've heard it said." " She's too well-spoken for that sort of thing." " They're the worst," " it's nonstop tits and volleyball." " What d'you mean "tits and volleyball"?" "I mean what I say - tits, and volleyball!" "Two things, together." " You know, paint the picture." " So who told you this?" "(Sighs) Chris." "Your mate, Chris." "What, Chris Simmons or Chris Bakewell?" "Chris Bakewell." "He knows Jenny Bond very well." "Quite well..." "He's met her..." "at a naturist bash." "He is one, Chris is a naturist, he got me into it." "So, if I give Chris a ring, then, he'll confirm that he's either in the nuddy or just in his pants." " Yeah." " I'll give him a ring then..." "He won't be in." "Look out the window, Samantha, it's a beautiful day." "He'll be making the most of it." "Oh, that is a disgusting thought!" " So, you're a nurse..." " Off-duty." " Bad day?" " Up to my arse in dick for eight hours." " Struggling with a catheter." " (Weak laugh)" "Don't know what his cock was made of, I had a hell of a job." "Isn't the garden lovely?" " There's no anaesthetic for that sort of thing." " Ohh!" "Man was in tears." "It's no less painful when you have to pull it out again." "(Gasps)" "So, er, your place or mine?" "Oh." "Oh, hello, Mr Harris." "Just a quick courtesy call about a new range of services I've got on offer." " Got a couple of minutes?" " Um, yeah." "Good, OK." "I come into your house and I do this..." "Would that interest you?" "Mm, yes it would actually." " There is a charge." " That's fine." "Wonderful." "OK." "What about this?" " # Uh-huh-huh #" " Hmm..." " It's a free service." " Oh, what the hell, then." "Brilliant, OK." "I must ask you, do you use this service often?" "(Bluegrass picking)" " (Stops playing)" " Quite often." "Yeah, I know you do." "So, in which case, would you be interested in this." "We call it banjo and blowers plus." " Can't see that there's an advantage." " No?" "Um..." " three-month free trial?" " No." "ICI said they couldn't do business without it." " No." " Fair enough." "OK." "So, to recap, I'm gonna come in your house and I'm gonna do this." "Which is a quarterly charge of £28.50 added to your bill." " That's fine." " OK." "Uh, this..." "# Uh-huh-huh # Won't cost you a penny." "And you're gonna stick with the standard banjo and blowers..." " you penny-pinching fool?" " Yeah." "Cheers." "(Distant screams)" "Hello?" " Hi, Steve?" " No, it's the devil actually." "Oh." "Isn't that extension 669?" "This is extension 666," " the number of the beast." " Oh, sorry." "No problemo." "Bye-bye." "Bye." "(Thinking) Oh, God, why did Dave say to meet here?" "hy didn't I make it somewhere else?" "They'll think I'm a molester." "Damn!" "I'm not looking at the kids, I'm really not." "I'll just, er, move along a little bit." "But Dave said meet at the park, what if he misses me?" "Uh-oh, now it looks like I'm prowling," "They'll think I'm trying to split one kid from the pack, that I've got an abhorrent obsession with children, that I get off on looking at them, that all I want to do is grab one and cause untold damage." "I'm not a paedophile!" "(Ring)" " Yello?" " Stevie boy!" "No, Satan." "This is 666." "Oh, sorry." "Forget about it." "(Shrill laughter)" "That is brilliant." " How do you make your face do that, Gerry?" " I don't know, I guess I'm just kinda weird." "You're weird in a brilliant way that everyone loves." " How does that feel?" " I don't know," "I guess it's a kinda strange question." "I'll put it in a different way." "Who do you get to shag because you're so funny?" "Is it Julia Roberts?" "I'm sorry, shag?" "I don't understand." "You know, a shag, a bonk, a good seeing to." " This is late night, right?" " Yes, Gerry." " So you mean fuck." " Um, you said "fuck"." "Um..." " I'm sorry." " No, that's brilliant." "I like a good bit of earthy swearing, like on Larry Sanders." "I mean, every one knows you all swear in real life." "It's all sex and cocaine and saying "shit", isn't it?" "Are these Meg Ryan's pants or Bette Midler's?" "What's Diane Keaton doing in the piano?" "Is that what it's really like when you have a really big do?" "I guess sometimes things get kinda crazy." "Yes, mental illness." "Doris Day went a bit odd, I heard." "And the woman who played Lois in the Superman films," " they say she looks through bins." " Yeah." "But she's better off than Christopher Reeve, though, isn't she?" "I mean, seriously though, does he get bullied now?" "I don't know, I never met the guy." "No." "No." "Of course." "Now, there is something that I've got to ask you and I hate doing it." "Do us another face to cheer me up." "(Giggles) Oh, you're atomic." "Now, as I said, it's a bit of a tricky one but..." "OK." "Did your face break during your last film?" "There, I've said it." " What?" " Did it break?" "Did a bit of it fall off on set while you were straining to be funny?" "Cos it's what everyone's saying, that half your jaw ended up in Cameron Diaz's lap." "Months of surgery, titanium implants." "They had to finish the film with computers." "Is it all true?" "Is none of it true?" "Some of it's true." "Oh, that's so sophisticated." "I have recently undergone some cosmetic surgery, just to..." "That's fantastic." "Cos you're all at it, aren't you?" "You and Barbara Streisland and Demi Moore and Jack Palance." "A tuck here, a lift there." "Hold the dream." "You're like a funny Picture Of Dorian Gray." "What's in your upstairs room, a watercolour of Les Dennis?" "Who's Les Dennis?" "Exactly." "Do us another face." "Oh, actually you've gobbed on me." "(Rings)" " Yello?" " Steve, my man." "No!" "Number of the beast, 666!" "The horned one." " Now, will you please..." " Sorry." "Ooh!" "Please, Al, not my face!" "Try and relax." "I'll be back in a minute with a masseuse slung round my neck and we'll see how you feel about it then, OK?" "He's been drinkin' a little." " Is it because of the script?" " Yep, it's because of the script." "He took one look at the script and downed a bottle of whisky and went berserk and is smashing the place to bits." "Should we go?" "Well, let's put it this way," " do you like presents?" " Yeah." "Cos if Al sees you he's gonna push your dick inside-out and give you a brand-new pussy for Christmas." " Right." " We should probably go." "Yeah." "(Rings)" " Yes?" " Steve, you old dog." "No, not Steve, the beast!" "The number of the beast!" " (Screaming)" " Will you shut up, I'm on the phone!" " I mean, are you stupid or what?" " (Anguished cry)" "Exactly which digit of 666 are you having a problem with?" "I said shut it!" "How would you like it if some berk kept ringing you up..." "Oh!" "I do find that so discourteous, I hate..." " Wahey!" " Aaagh!" "At school this kind of prank was par for the course but with my heart condition, they're playing with fire." "(Phone ringing)"