"NARRATOR:" "Long ago, in the faraway land of ancient Greece, there was a golden age of powerful gods and extraordinary heroes." "And the greatest and strongest of all these heroes was the mighty Hercules." "But what is the measure of a true hero?" " That is what our story is..." " Will you listen to him?" "He's makin' the story sound like some Greek tragedy." " Lighten up, dude." " We'll take it from here, darling." "NARRATOR:" "You go, girl." "We are the Muses, goddesses of the arts and proclaimers of heroes." "Heroes like Hercules." "Honey, you mean "Hunk-ules."" "Ooh, I'd like to make some sweet music with him..." "Our story actually begins long before Hercules, many aeons ago." "Ah" "Back when the world was new" "The planet Earth was down on its luck" "And everywhere gigantic brutes called Titans ran amok" "It was a nasty place" "There was a mess wherever you stepped" "Where chaos reigned and the earthquakes and volcanoes never slept" "Say it, girlfriend!" "And then along came Zeus" " He hurled his thunderbolt" " CHORUS:" "He zapped" " Locked those suckers in a vault" " They're trapped" "And on his own stopped chaos in its tracks" "And that's the gospel truth" "The guy was too "Type A" to just relax" "And that's the world's first dish" "Yeah, baby." "Zeus tamed the globe while still in his youth" "Though, honey it may seem impossible" "That's the gospel truth" "On Mount Olympus life was neat And smooth as sweet vermouth" "Although, honey it may seem impossible" "That's the gospel truth" "CHORUS:" "Ah, ah" " Yeah, yeah" " Ah, ah" "Hey, hey, hey" "Ah, ah" "Hey, yeah" "(CHORUS HARMONISING)" "(CHATTERING)" "(GASPING) Hercules!" "(CHUCKLES) Behave yourself." "(GURGLING)" "Look at this." "Look how cute he is." " (BABBLING) - (COOING)" "Hah!" "Oh, he's strong like his dad, hmm?" "Whoa!" "Excuse me!" "Hot stuff coming through!" "Excuse me." "One side, Ares." "Why, Hermes, they're lovely." "Yeah, you know, I had Orpheus do the arrangement." "Isn't that too nutty?" "Fabulous party." "You know," "I haven't seen this much love in a room since Narcissus discovered himself." "(KISSING SOUNDS)" "Dear, keep those away from the baby." "He won't hurt himself." "Let the kid have a little fun." "(GODS GASPING)" "On behalf of my son," "I want to thank you all for your wonderful gifts!" "What about our gift, dear?" "Well, let's see here." "We'll take..." "Hmm, yes." "A little cirrus and, hmm, a touch of nimbostratus and a dash of cumulus." "(SQUEAKS)" "(HONKS)" "His name is Pegasus, and he's all yours, son." "(HIGH-PITCHED WHINNY)" "(GODS SIGHING)" "Mind his head." "He's so tiny." "(YAWNS)" "My boy." "My little Hercules." "MAN:" "How sentimental." "You know, I haven't been this choked up since I got a hunk of moussaka caught in my throat!" "Huh?" "So is this an audience or a mosaic?" "Hey, how you doin'?" "Lookin' good." "Nice dress." "So, Hades, you finally made it." "How are things in the underworld?" "Well, they're just fine." "You know, a little dark, a little gloomy." "And, as always, hey, full of dead people." "What are you gonna do?" "There's the little sunspot." "Little snootchie." "And here is a sucker for the little sucker, eh?" "Here you go." "Ya just... (GRUNTING)" " Sheesh." " (LAUGHING)" "Uh, powerful little tyke." "Come on, Hades." "Don't be such a stiff." "Join the celebration!" "Hey." "Love to, babe, but unlike you gods lounging about up here," "I regrettably have a full-time gig that you, by the way, so charitably bestowed on me, Zeus." "So, can't." "Love to, but can't." "You ought to slow down." "You'll work yourself to death." "Hah!" "Work yourself to death!" "(LAUGHING)" "(CROWD LAUGHING)" "Oh, I kill myself!" "(FAKE LAUGH) If only." "If only." "If there's one god you don't want to get steamed up, it's Hades." "'Cause he had an evil plan." "He ran the underworld" "But thought the dead were dull and uncouth" "He was as mean as he was ruthless" " And that's the gospel truth - (GROWLING)" "He had a plan to shake things up" "And that's the gospel truth" "Pain!" "Coming, your most lugubriousness." "Ow!" "(GRUNTING)" "(YELLS)" "Panic!" "I'm sorry." "I can handle it!" "(YELLS)" " Pain!" "Ohh!" " And Panic!" " Reporting for duty!" " Reporting for duty!" "Fine, fine, fine." "Just let me know the instant the Fates arrive." "Oh." "They're here." "What?" "The Fates are here, and you didn't tell me?" "(BOTH WHIMPERING, GROANING)" " We are worms!" "Worthless worms!" " We are worms!" "Worthless worms!" "Memo to me, memo to me." "Maim you after my meeting." "Darling, hold that mortal's thread of life good and tight." "(WOMAN SCREAMING)" "Incoming!" "(FATES LAUGHING)" "Ladies!" "Hah!" "I am so sorry that I'm..." " Late!" " Late!" " We knew you would be." " We know everything." " Past." " Present." "And Future." "Indoor plumbing, it's gonna be big." "Great, great." "Anyway, see, ladies, I was at this party, and I lost track of..." " (TOGETHER) We know!" " Yeah." "I know you know." "So here's the deal." "Zeus," "Mr High and Mighty, Mr "Hey, you, get off of my cloud," now he has..." " (TOGETHER) A bouncing baby brat." " We know!" "I know you know." "I know." "I got it." "I got the concept." "So let me just ask." "Is this kid gonna mess up my hostile takeover bid, or what?" "What do you think?" "No, you don't." "We're not supposed to reveal the future." "(SNIFFS)" "Oh, wait." "I'm sorry." "Time out." "Can I..." "Can I ask you a question, by the way?" "Are you..." "Did you cut your hair or something?" "You look fabulous." "I mean, you look like a Fate worse than death." " (GROANS) Oh, gross!" " It's blinkin'!" "Ladies, please." "My fate is in your lovely hands." " Oh, yeah!" " Oh, all right." "In 18 years precisely, the planets will align ever so nicely." "Ay, verse." "Oy." "The time to act will be at hand." "Unleash the Titans, your monstrous band." "Mm-hmm." "Good, good." "Then the once-proud Zeus will finally fall, and you, Hades, will rule all!" "Yes!" "Hades rules!" "A word of caution to this tale." "Excuse me?" "Should Hercules fight, you will fail." "(FATES CACKLING)" "What?" "Okay, fine, fine." "I'm cool." "I'm fine." "(BELL DINGS)" "Pain?" "Panic?" "Got a little riddle for ya." "How do you kill a god?" " I do not know!" " You can't." "They're immortal?" "Bingo!" "They're immortal." "So, first you got to turn the little sunspot mortal." "(WHISTLING SNORES)" "(GLASS BREAKING)" "(PAIN, PANIC TITTERING)" " What?" "What is it?" " Huh?" " The baby!" " The baby!" " (GASPING) - (SPUTTERING)" "Hercules!" "Oh!" "(SOBBING)" "No!" "Now we did it!" "Zeus is gonna use us for target practice!" "Just hang onto the kid, Panic." " (GRUNTING) - (CRYING)" "Hurry!" "Let's just kill the kid and get it over with, okay?" "Here you go, kid." "A little Grecian formula." "Look at that!" "He's changing." "Can we do it now?" "No, he has to drink the whole potion." "Every last drop." "MAN:" "Who's there?" "(BOTH SCREAMING)" " Alcmene, over here." " (CRYING)" "(GASPS)" "You poor thing." " Oh, don't cry." " Is anybody there?" " Now?" " Now." "(ALCMENE MUTTERING)" "Oh." "Well, he must have been abandoned." "Amphitryon, for so many years we've prayed to the gods to bless us with a child." " Perhaps they've answered our prayers." " Perhaps they have." ""Hercules"?" "(THUNDERCLAP)" "(GROWLING)" "(GIGGLING)" "(SNAKES SPUTTERING)" "(YELLING)" "(GIGGLING)" "Help, help, help!" "Hades is gonna kill us when he finds out what happened." "You mean, if he finds out." "Of course he's gonna..." "If." "If is good." "MUSE:" "It was tragic." "Zeus led all the gods on a frantic search." "But by the time they found the baby, it was too late." "Young Herc was mortal now" "But since he did not drink the last drop" "He still retained his godlike strength" "So thank his lucky stars" "Tell it, girl." "But Zeus and Hera wept" "Because their son could never come home" "They'd have to watch their precious baby grow up from afar" "Though Hades' horrid plan" "Was hatched before Herc cut his first tooth" "The boy grew stronger every day" "And that's the gospel truth" "The gospel truth" " (SHEPHERD BELL CLANKING) - (SHEEP BLEATING)" "(BRAYING)" "Hercules, slow down!" "Look out!" "(MEN GASPING)" "Sorry, guys." " Hey, watch where you're goin'." " Sunday driver!" "(CROWD YELLING)" "Thanks, son." "When old Penelope twisted her ankle back there, I thought we were done for." "No problem, Pop." "Uh, don't unload just yet." "First, I have to finagle with Phideas." "Okay." " (BRAYING)" " Oops." "Sorry, Penelope." "Now, Hercules, this time, please just..." "I know." "I know." " Stay by the cart." " (SIGHS)" "That's my boy." " (SIGHS) - (MAN GROANING)" "Oh, my goodness." "Whoa!" " Careful!" " (SHUDDERS)" " Why, thank you." " No problem." "Why, Hercules!" "(SPUTTERING)" "It's you!" " Let me help you with that." " No, no, no, no, no." "I got it!" "(STRAINING) I'm fine." "You just run along." " Are you sure?" " Oh, yes." "Absolutely." "Yo!" "Give it here!" "(GASPS)" "Hey, you need an extra guy?" "Uh..." "Sorry, Herc." "Uh, we already got five, and we want to keep it an even number." "Hey, wait a second." "Five isn't an even..." " See ya, Herc." " What a geek!" " Destructo Boy." " Maybe we should call him "Jerkules."" "(LAUGHTER)" "BOY:" "Heads up!" "I got it!" "No!" "Stop!" " (RUMBLING)" " Uh-oh." " (CROWD MURMURING)" " HERCULES:" "No." "It's okay." "(CROWD YELLING)" "Hey!" "Whoa!" "(SCREAMING)" " Son!" " Hang on, Pop!" "Be right back!" "Oh, my!" "No!" "Don't!" "No, no, no, no!" "No, no, no, no, no, no!" "(YELLING)" "(SIGHS, CHUCKLES)" " Watch out!" " (YELLS)" "(CRASHING)" "(CROWD MURMURING)" "Nice catch, Jerkules." " Son..." " (MAN SPUTTERING)" "This is the last straw, Amphitryon!" "That boy is a menace!" "He's too dangerous to be around normal people!" "(CROWD GRUMBLING, MUTTERING)" "He didn't mean any harm." "He's just a kid." "He just can't control his strength." "I'm warning you." "You keep that freak away from here!" " BOY:" "Freak!" "Yeah, go away!" " (CROWD AGREEING)" "(SIGHS) Son, you shouldn't let those things they said back there get to you." "But, Pop, they're right." "I am a freak." "I try to fit in." "I really do." "(SIGHS) I just can't." "Sometimes I feel like I really don't belong here, like I'm supposed to be someplace else." "Hercules, son..." "I know it doesn't make any sense." "I have often dreamed of a far off place" "Where a great, warm welcome will be waiting for me" "Where the crowds will cheer when they see my face" "And a voice keeps sayin' this is where I'm meant to be" "I will find my way" "I can go the distance" "I'll be there someday" "If I can be strong" "I know every mile" "Will be worth my while" "I would go most anywhere to feel like I" "Belong" "Hercules, there's something your mother and I have been meaning to tell ya." "But if you found me, then where did I come from?" "Why was I left here?" "This was around your neck when we found you." "It's the symbol of the gods." "This is it!" "Don't you see?" "Maybe they have the answers!" "I'll go to the temple of Zeus and..."