"Good evening, family." "And welcome to the first annual Bundy-financial-crisis summit meeting." "Hello, Shop at Home network?" "Yes, I'd like to order your Brazilian amethyst dinner ring." "And can I get a dinner to go with that?" "While I have your attention let's go over some of last month's bills." "I'm sure we'll find a little fat here in our budget." ""Renewal notice for Big 'Uns."" "Let's try another one here." ""The Larry Storch School of Acting."" "Al, becoming an actress is very important to Kelly and you will not break her heart by telling her she can't do it." "All right, Peg." "In that case, you get a job to help pay for it." "Poor Kelly." "By the way, you could do your part by cutting down on this shopping network." "Hey, I don't shop that much." "Hey, Mom, the stuff you ordered is here." "Oh, goody!" "Hey, Dad, guess what happened." "I am up for a role in a sitcom." "It's called Pease in a Pod." "It's about this family named the Peases and they live in this house, and their lives and what goes on in their house and their lives." "Fox?" "Yeah, how'd you know?" "Oh, joy!" "My Boxcar Willie tapes are here." "And my tiara." "I tell you, it is just like Christmas, except with presents." " What else you got in...?" " This is Mommy's stuff." "Get out of here." "Anyway, I'm up for the role of the daughter." "How's this for cosmic irony?" "In real life, I actually am one." "What are the odds?" " Indeed, but, pumpkin..." " Daddy, I have to get this part." "I am perfect for it." "Look." ""Blond perky lit..."" ""Literate."" "Plus, add that to the skills that I learned at Larry Storch's and I'm a shoo-in." "Hey, Bud, tryouts are tomorrow." "Come help me rehearse my lines." "What's in it for me?" "I'll let you touch a picture of my friend Cindy." "Where?" "Well, let's see." "I have an unemployed actress for a daughter a son who'd have sex with a fire hydrant..." "Oh, happy day." "My TV Guide-cover collector plates are here." "That." "I wonder where the next bolt of lightning will strike?" "I guess this isn't a good time to tell him I haven't been comfortable with my sexuality lately." ""Snap, crackle, pop"?" "Mom, why do they always say that?" "I mean, the snap, okay and maybe the crackle, but you never hear the pop." "And what's the deal with Trix...?" "That'll be fine, Miss Bundy." "Thank you." "Well, you know, I can do the scene a couple different ways." "Can any of them be funny?" "Okay, Half Dome." "We all know I'm not gonna get this part but before I go, I have to ask you one question." "I swear, Miss Bundy, we would keep it just as cold in here if you were a man." "And wearing a bra." "No, not that." "I was just wondering, when did television get so weird?" "I mean, nobody eats breakfast at the table anymore." "And cereal...?" "I mean, come on when I was growing up we were lucky if we got toaster leavings." ""Toaster leavings"?" "No, "leavings." The Q is silent." "They're the crumbs that you find at the bottom of a toaster." "We were practically raised on them." ""Toaster leavings..."" "I like it." "Write that down." "Come on, Ron." "I'm a pro." "I'm not taking notes from some kid." "Would you rather go back to Full House?" ""Toaster leavings," you say?" "Tell us some more about your family life, Miss Bundy." "Okay." "Well, first there's my father." "Now, you know how you have the dad and he's all happy and glad to be home?" "Well, in my family, it's not really the case." "Well, then of course, there's me." "And that's what it's like to be a part of my family." "Well, thank you, Miss Bundy." "That was enlightening." "So you mean I get to be on Pease in a Pod?" "No, but I am casting for the lead in The Mother Teresa Story." "Would you mind disrobing and saying, "Oh, the children"?" "Good evening, family." "And welcome to the second first annual Bundy-financial-crisis summit meeting." "Hey, guys." "Hey, Daddy guess what today is." "The pathetic continuation of yesterday?" "No." "It's the premiere of Pease in a Pod on Fox." "Hey, let's turn it on." "I gotta see that bimbo they got to play my part." "Fox network viewing positions." "Peg hit the button." "Tak e a mom and a dad And two kids and a dog" "Put them all in a house With a mouse" "You've got Pease in a pod" "Pease, Pease, Pease Pease in a pod" "Well, this certainly looks like another winner." "Wow, that room looks familiar." "You know those sitcoms, they all look alike." "Will you look at that God-awful couch." "Hey, that's funny." "In the scene that I read, it started with everybody eating breakfast." "Boy, does my life suck." "Thank God, I got the house to myself." "Hey, Chuck." "And they call me stupid." "I just hope Patty left some dinner for me." "What's this?" "Dear, Mel." "I'm at the neighbours'." "Dinner's at the grocery store." "Wait a minute, I don't remember this." "Hey, you know something, Peg?" "This show is pretty good." "Stupid wife." "Now what am I supposed to eat, toaster leavings?" "Boy, does my life suck." "Al don't you notice something familiar about that Mel character?" "Yeah, both of our lives suck." "Well, I guess it could be a coincidence." "Hi, Mel, I'm home." "Look what I got from the Shop at Home network." "A whole week's worth of bonbons." "Where are we supposed to put them?" "Well, I'm supposed to k eep them cool." "How about your side of the bed?" "Hey!" "His side of the bed!" "Well?" "Well, I told them about my family." "I didn't think they were gonna steal it!" "And what, pray tell, did you tell them about me?" "Hi, Mom." "Hi, Dad." " Hi, Ben." " Hi, Naomi." "Can she and I go to the movies tonight?" "Son, don't you think it's time you got a real girlfriend?" "Dad, I do have a real girlfriend." "It's just that this one puts out." "It's a doll, Peg!" "How pathetic!" " Are you guys watching this new show?" " This is the greatest." "It's like watching a family of chimps that can talk." "No, it's not." "It's us." "Kelly went down to try out for the show she told the writers about us and got plagiarized." "I did not!" "They just took my idea." "Well, even so I'd say it's time we start looking at ourselves and laughing more." "Yeah." "Personally, I'd be flattered if somebody satirized us on TV." "Mel Pease, did you back your Rambler into our trash cans again?" "Oh, hi, Marla." "Were those trash cans?" "I thought the feed store dropped off another load of pigeon chow." " I am not a pigeon!" " She's a pigeon." "Washington, are you going to let him talk to me lik e that?" " Hit him!" " What?" "And break a nail?" "Oh, so, what am I now?" "Just some mindless, pretty-boy, gold-digging gigolo?" "You're darned right, I'm not!" "What you tell them about yourself?" "That you graduated from Yale?" "Harvard." "Oh, come on." "Just be thankful at least one of our reputations is still good." " Hi, Daddy." " Hi, Carrie." "I'm just gonna spend the night with a few of my school chums here." "Okay, buttercup, but don't do anything I wouldn't do." "Which, in Mel's case, means don't do anything." "Al, we've got to do something!" " What?" " Sue!" "Sue Fox?" "To get what?" "What, an NFL mug or a lunch date with John Madden?" "No, well, an apology would be nice." "I say we go down there right now and call them on it, Daddy." " "We"?" " Please." "They took my creative virginity." "Yeah, she's got a point there, Dad." "She could have still had that." "We'll go down there, but I'm warning you if they replace this with Don Rickles again I'm gonna hold you all responsible." "Oh, Al, a real show-business sound stage." " A real show-business security guard." " I'll handle it, pumpkin." "Sorry, folks, this set is off limits." "How'd you get by the guard at the gate?" "They were busy searching Joe Piscopo." "What?" "Piscopo's here again?" "!" "Now, what do we do?" "Well, find that Ron Michaels guy, I guess." "Hey, there he is." "You know, I got a good mind to just go over there and give him a piece of it." "Although, if somebody had a good mind why would they wanna share it with someone they didn't like?" "I mean, that would kind of be like having your cake and meeting it too." "And what is the deal with Trix?" " You know, I've always wondered..." " Pumpkin, pumpkin, pumpkin." "Perhaps I ought to handle this." "Now, you just relax and save your energy for the..." "For the ride home." "Excuse me, Mr. Michaels." "I'm Al Bundy." "Here." "It's the black Cadillac with the gold trim and I want it detailed inside and outside this time." "No, no, no." "I'm here to..." "Cadillac?" "That's right." "Anyway..." "I would just like to say that I'm a huge, huge fan of the show." "The acting, the writing..." " Hi, Ron." " Hi, Ron." "The gratuitous use of girls in short skirts." "Everything is just great." "Look, if I need someone to suck up to me, I'll go to my writers." "What do you want?" "Well, about a month ago my daughter Kelly auditioned for the part of Carrie, didn't get it." "But when she watched the premiere, she thought you stole her idea and trashed my family." "I'm the kind of guy who can roll with the punches, but as you can see my wife and kids are pretty broken up about it." "Bundy I've been in this business since my wife was a baby." "I've worked with the greats:" "Bertinelli, Danza, Lenny, Squiggy." "All of them." "You know what I've learned?" " What?" " Nothing." "That's how TV works, Bundy." "No rhyme." "No reason." "We learn less doing it than you folks learn watching it." "Look between you and me, I'd rather be doing Shakespeare or Keats, but hey a hit is a hit no matter where it comes from." "Now, look here." "You betrayed the trust of my little girl and I think she deserves an apology." "I mean, not one of those phoney-baloney, show-biz types but I mean a really, truly heartfelt..." "How's 500 an episode and I never see your wage-slave faces again?" "Done." "Thank you, Mr. Michaels." "Oh, Dad." "I saw that." "I thought we were gonna stand on principle." "Well, we could, but I found out you can reach a little higher when you're standing on a bunch of money." "Come on, family." "It will be a lot of money too." "This show is gonna be a hit." "It could run forever." "Oh, look, it's the Peases." "Let's go." "Let's go." "Hi there, I'm..." "I'm Al Bundy." "Red Viper." "And I want the inside and outside detailed this time." "Here's a Cadillac for you, sweetheart." "Just think of it as an apology that goes zero to 60 in seven seconds." "Hello, Shop at Home network?" "Yes, I'd like to order your Playmate of the Month action figure set, please." "Don't you think you ought to wait until the show's been on for a while before spending a year's worth of profits?" "Called royalties, babe." "And no." "Hey, guys, it's almost time for it to come on." "Fox network viewing positions, please." "All right, Peg, hit the button." "Tonight on Fox:" "Stay tuned for The Family Keats." "What?" "Hi, guys, have you heard the news?" "They cancelled Pease in a Pod." "What?" "But why?" "I thought it was a hit." "Well, some woman in Michigan didn't like it." "She also didn't like football, so that's gone too." "On the bright side, I hear some wonderful things about this Keats-family thing." "In the 18th century Was a man wrote poetry" "And he had a family It's the Family Keats" "Starring Don Rickles." "Peg, hand me the remote, please." "Dad, you have it pointing the wrong way." "Not if there's a God, pumpkin."