"♪ I am the stone that the builder refused" "♪ I am the visual, theinspiration" "♪ That made lady sing the blues" "♪ I'm the spark that makes yourideabright" "♪ The same spark thatlightsthe dark" "♪ So that you can know yourleftfromyour right" "♪ I am the ballot in your box, the bullet in the gun" "♪ The inner glow that lets you know to call your brother son" "♪ The story that just begun" "♪ The promise of what's to come" "♪ And I'ma remain a soldier tillthewar iswon" "♪ Chop chop chop" "♪ Judo flip" "♪ Chop chop chop" "♪ Judo flip" "♪ Chop chop chop" "♪ Judo flip" "♪ Chop chop chop" "(MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS)" "Hey, TV executives!" "Ready for another Kardashian show?" "Good!" "'Cause the new Kardashian has new ideas!" "Hot damn." "There's just something about her." "Yep." "I love Kardashia." "Not too much of a man to admit it." "She has everything I need in a woman." "Mm-mmm-mmm!" "Yuh-huh." "It's still edgy, not only 'cause he's black, but instead of long money, he's got long balls." "I'm talkin' like back of my kneecaps!" "Girl, do you know what you do to me?" "I trick on you?" "(LAUGHS)" "Yep." "You know what you do to me?" "Not really." "You're secure!" "Like, how you don't get upset when fans think you're my driver or O.J. Simpson or whatever." "Upset?" "They could call me "Fuck bucket fuck you nigga."" "They were outside the limousine." "(BOTH LAUGH)" "You're so funny." "Hey, kids." "I got simple rules for granddad's new girls." "Food?" "If it's marked with a black bubble graffiti "R," paws off!" "(LAUGHS) Ooh!" "Just like you said, feisty!" "Excuse me for a quick second." "(CHUCKLES)" "BOTH:" "Ouch!" "Damn it!" "As you know, there has been a black cloud following us, but because of this chick, that cloud has opened up and she's making it rain!" "How long are these cameras gonna be here?" "Long as she wants them." "Damn it!" "I thought you read books!" "She is a rich white woman!" "This is how black people get free!" "You think Harriet Tubman could afford to build all those railroad stations alone?" "Hello?" "Aw, hey." "BOTH:" "Besties!" "Ow." "Ow." "Ow!" "Somebody help me!" "Fucking cheap-ass weave." "Sorry I'm late, Kardi." "My horoscope said keep an eye out for career opportunity, then, bam!" "I ran into DMX's cousin's manager at the mall, then again in his studio apartment, and twice on his futon." "I hope he calls me." "(GRUNTS)" "That nigga Santa, he didn't even read my Amazon wish list." "My food, all yours." "And, Huey, well, you didn't have a wish list, so I got you the default Kardashian gift." "A signed Ray J CD?" "You don't like it?" "Like I give two shits what he or his brother likes." "Or Kardashia for that matter." "Besties, my ass." "If this gets picked up and I don't get a spin-off show" "I'm-a get a spin-off show called" "Black Assistant Bitches WhoKillTheirBosses." "Believethat." "Hey, Huey." "You want to play your CD on my new computer?" "Psych. (LAUGHS)" "Okay, girlie, chop chop!" "We've got that appointment." "It's not a doctor's appointment, is it?" "You're not sick!" "God, no!" "God, you can't give me a gift and then take it away!" "Aww." "I'm not sick, silly!" "It's just a regular celebrity appointment." "I get paid a few million to shill a product, and people who live in their mother's basements talk shit about how many starving kids the money I just made could have saved." "Oh, okay." "Have fun." "Oh." "Boy, I love that." "Hater alert!" "Hater alert!" "Hater alert!" "Nigga just mad he didn't get toys!" "(LAUGHS)" "(VACUUM CLEANER RUNNING)" "(VACUUM SHUTS OFF)" "Why we got to clean, anyway?" "Because we may be on national television." "(DOORBELL RINGS)" "That must be Kardashia." "It may be time to give her a key." "Come on, homie!" "Bench!" "Dancing with the Stars?" "Hey!" "What the hell?" "(GRUNTING)" "Who the hell are you?" "I'm Kardashia's half-brother." "Oh." "I'm sorry." "I didn't know the Kardashians had a brother." "Yeah, well, I didn't know I had some floozy half-sister who was gonna pop up." "Family is a blessing." "No, it's not!" "I was up next." "Now my show's pushed back." "Finally, I had a chance to be famous, to spend new year's in Vegas instead of going on some date with an autistic teen mom." "Damn that Make-A-Wish Foundation!" "Sorry." "The only reason chicks bang me is to get to my sisters." "Man, I'm just looking for the right homie to help me get my own show!" "I am gonna be the latest Kardashian to inspire young girls." "Like, my nonprofit Believe in Yourself!" "YoucanbeAnorexic!" "has already raised like 2,000 pounds of celery!" "(GLASS SHATTERS)" "Her butt, it got bigger." "It just broke your "perfect attendance" award!" "So?" "I could just make another one." "This show has to get picked up, and then we just have to stay together for at least the first season." "Really?" "People don't want to watch an old broke dude on TV!" "This is bullshit." "Roll with that if you want to, homie." "I mean, if you like getting played." "Depending on the parameters, I'm perfectly fine with that." "(GLASS SHATTERING)" "Look at our living room!" "Why is everyone acting blind?" "Everything looks fine to me." "Bench, take your wonderful ideas and go pitch your own show!" "Always hanging around here, being jealous!" "Jealous of what?" "Why be jealous when I can do this?" "Seriously, I am like a huge business person, okay?" "I'm a businesswoman and, like, this whole thing," "I can't even Google myself, because, like, too many hits come up, okay?" "You're a stupid jerk." "You know what I am?" "I'm a dancer." "That's right, a professional dancer." "I pop and lock." "I pop and lock." "Screw you!" "You're only half-Kardashian." "Where'd you come from anyway?" "I can't even believe it." "Whoa!" "Sit still on the damn couch!" "It's not me!" "It's Huey!" "It's her!" "It's her butt!" "Look how big it got!" "It's fake!" "I'm sorry." "What?" "Huey's butt accusation, it really hurt me." "So I decided to be the strong, tough woman I am and give him a piece of my mind." "(CRYING)" "I'm sorry, baby." "(SOBBING)" "Apologize!" "Sorry." "You're taking their side!" "You're never on my side!" "If these cameras weren't on," "I'd beat you so bad, you'd look like Impressionist art." "(SNIFFS)" "Oh, so you did like the Monet painting I sent you." "I told you!" "Take your ass outside!" "(LAUGHING)" "You too!" "Man, what's the deal with her?" "RILEY:" "I don't know." "HUEY:" "Her butt keeps getting bigger." "There's something going on." "I don't care." "I'm-a be in my rich girl- provided weatherproof tent." "You keep being ass Columbo." "Unzip me when you crack the case." "Granddad is powerless over her ass." "You saw what happened." "Her butt's gonna destroy everything." "Not my problem." "Seriously, one more scene of just driving that heifer to Appointments and I swear, I'll drop her ass off at the Basketball Wives set with a sign that says "I fucked your man."" "(DOOR OPENS)" "Hey, pretty girl!" "(BEEPING)" "It is such bullshit that this is illegal." "Eh, not really." "I'm putting used Jell-O shots and petroleum in your ass." "Whatever it takes to keep up with the Kardashians!" "(AIR HISSING)" "Okay, how about a game-show idea?" "Boxers or Briefs." "If the contestant guesses wrong, they have to sleep with everyone." "You know, it's never bad to have two ideas when we're pitching shows." "Got it!" "Terrorist or Italian?" "Because those hairy motherfuckers, they look alike." "Love your style, Granddad." "Call you soon." "'Sup, Huey?" "Why are you inside?" "Because I have something important to say." "I have something important to say, too, shut up and get back outside." "Granddad, if I knew something bad was about to happen, you'd want me to tell you, right?" "Mmm, no, not really." "Every single black man who has touched a Kardashian ass, something goes wrong." "Their brain gets sucked out." "There was this one rapper who went from saying" ""George Bush doesn't care about black people!"" "to wearing a leather kilt." "Leather!" "I saw Kardashia at a place called Fake Cakes." "It's near that illegal pinochle spot where you used to leave me in the car while you played." "Just wanted you to know what kind of "reality" you're getting." "What I'm getting?" "I'm getting laid." "I'm getting money." "I'm getting our freedom papers." "And with those three things, nothing can ever go wrong!" "(GIGGLES)" "God, I like you." "Maybe I'm naive, but I just get the feeling that you like me for me, not my fame or my money." "Fame?" "Who needs that?" "Nope, don't need fame." "With what we build, we're gonna show that love can work even if your man doesn't have a 401(k)." "401k?" "A marathon that long would wreck my knees." "Look, can I give you the ultimate in cable-series love?" "You gonna try to trap me by getting pregnant?" "Shut up!" "I didn't want to seem too eager!" "Pregnant?" "Ew!" "I'll get fat or whatever." "No, silly, a promise ring during the season finale." "Then it's a deal." "Let me get your best yellow wine!" "(GASPING)" "Whoa!" "What's the attitude for?" "You knew I appreciated the finer things before we got promised!" "What the hell?" "Uh!" "Oh, my God!" "Look at her butt!" "Aaaah!" "(ALL SCREAM)" "(MONITORS BEEPING)" "Please!" "Please!" "Baby, wake up!" "Could you please stop?" "Every time you do that, you're actually kind of killing her." "Sorry." "So, what's the latest, Doctor?" "Well, after billing her insurance for every test possible because, let's face it, the longer I'm gone, the harder you think I'm working," "I think I've figured out the problem." "Her ass exploded." "I have friends with lots of extra ass!" "Can we donate?" "Well, it's always tough on friends and family when a person's ass gets this big, but I'm afraid we just have to wait." "Unfortunately, you might have to make some tough decisions." "This is one of the worst cases of aaas I've ever seen." "That's A.A.A.S., ass augmentation addiction syndrome." "Doc, you got to make her live!" "This isn't fair!" "Fair?" "Life tends not to be fair when you start shoving foreign objects into your keister." "Sorry about that." "We've got a dedicated team of doctors here." "I promise, we'll try our best." "(CURTAIN RUSTLES)" "Call the chaplain and the morgue for the stupid girl in the ass room!" "(ALL GASP)" "Come on!" "We just can't sit around here and wait!" "I know!" "We'll start a walk-a-thon!" "They cured breast cancer." "I'm sure it'll cure this." "No!" "You want a chance to shine?" "Here's your chance." "We're gonna get justice for your sister and show how much we care." "Now, follow me, Bench." "Oh, by the way, if anyone from the pinochle place say I owe them money, haul ass." "(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)" "Ooh, look at her." "Oh, she look good." "I would give my ass for that ass." "(AIR HISSING)" "Aah!" "So you get off on getting my Kardashia all strung out on ass?" "I don't know what you're talking about." "Unh!" "Oh, you don't know?" "Did that show you?" "Bench, help me show this motherfucker." "Uh-huh." "This is cool." "No, God damn it!" "Open hand means put something in it so I can hit this punk-ass doctor." "Hold up." "I'm the sidekick?" "She's my dying half-sister!" "I came up with all the show ideas!" "(SIGHS)" "What's taking granddad so long?" "I'm hungry." "(DEFLATING)" "WOMAN OVER PA:" "Cleanup onbednumberthree,stat." "This place is depressing." "If I'm about to die, promise you'll just pull the plug." "Nigga, if I'm about to die, keep me alive." "I want to be a burden," "I want my feet clean, I want my diaper changed." "Keep my ass fresh until they find a cure." "Man, for real." "I'm starving." "We got to get some food." "(BOTH CRYING)" "Well, that person didn't finish his lunch." "I'm up in that piece." "Aah!" "OLD WOMAN:" "Don't scream." "It's okay!" "I give food to the hungry." "I'm Mother Maria." "Come in, young skinny black child." "Yeah, you're the damn sidekick." "You came up with the other shows, but this is my idea." "Hey!" "Where you going?" "I'm not done with you." "Sidekicks are really the most important." "Audiences love them!" "Robin the Boy Wonder, that Fantasy Island tattooguy,Chewbacca!" "Why don't we all just calm down?" "Don't tell me what to do!" "I need some kind of revenge for my lady!" "She's lying there about to die because of you!" "I didn't force her to do anything!" "I told her, even an Armenian girl's caboose has its limits." "She knew the risks!" "I'm tired of this." "Matter of fact, I'm done talking." "Hit him, Bench." "Trust me, be Chewbacca!" "(ROARS)" "Unh!" "Don't you ever fuck with us or anyone we love." "No, no!" "Could you not do that?" "(AIR HISSING)" "Ha ha!" "You're gonna have a butt face!" "Yes, I spent my whole life feeding the hungry." "I fed many brown babies." "Mostly the words of Jesus." "Sadly, many died." "You know what's really important in life?" "(SNORES)" "RILEY:" "Hey!" "Looking out for others." "I guess it all started when I was a nurse in the war." "I used my pantyhose as tourniquets for the troops." "Looks like you've lived a full life." "Oh, I have." "Ha!" "Those medals, even got one from the vice presidente afterWorldWarII." "Yep, he gave me a medal and some smokes." "Would have been nice if he'd visited me when I had emphysema." "(COUGHING)" "Well, who do you usually talk to?" "Don't you have visitors?" "Eh, no one cares about an old broke lady." "Plus, there's some celebrity in here." "They say she's got the whole floor locked down." "I can't even get a nurse to change my diaper." "Ew!" "I ain't hungry now." "Ah, but I forgive her and all the people around her." "Boys, there's great power in forgiveness, self-sacrifice, and thinking of yourself last." "First plan, you keep her alive long enough to make sure we in the will." "Plan "B", she dies, you break out the tape and pitch the show." "We threaten to go public and show America we're the only ones who care!" "Mmm-hmm." "Seriously, what other men in her life would have done that?" "You keep forgetting I just met this chick." "And may we one day get to a world where no porcelain goddess feels the need to pump up her beautiful ironing-board-flat ass to airbag-sized proportions just to attract some five-time baby-daddy bad-free-throwing nigga athlete." "Amen." "Hey!" "Ruckus, what the hell are you doing here?" "This is a serious matter!" "Oh, I know it's serious." "Word 'round the street is that you living a serious nigga dream." "Oh, you got your own personal ATM in the form of a rich white girl." "Oh, and she ain't just any kind of white." "She Armenian, from the home of the glorious Caucus mountains." "Get it?" "Caucasus." "Caucasian!" "We see what you doing." "Oh, Ruckus, what's wrong with a young woman spending on an old man?" "Reverse happen all the time." "Oh, it just ain't natural, Robert." "It ain't natural." "Men are supposed to be the strong heads of household." "White women's job is to make sammiches and look pretty." "Now, once ladies start controlling the purse strings, things get crazy!" "They just let themselves go." "Hell, we got a career woman right now down in 232." "Bitch lost her cellphone in her own body fat." "Now that I hooked you up with camera-time, you better introduce me to LeBron for real." "And if you ever have a baby die in your arms, you'll notice a peace and a certain sweet smell." "Like Bartlett pears, almost." "Look, go on, kids." "I don't want to bore you." "I guess when you get to be my age, you just want a little attention, that's all." "I think we know where that girl is who's hogging the nurses." "We'll get one for you." "God bless you, son." "Let's go, Riley." "I know." "Damn." "She got a nigga feeling all unhungry and emotional." "Come on, squeeze my hand, baby." "Let me know you're still there." "Okay, don't squeeze my hand if you want me to be the sole beneficiary in your will." "She didn't squeeze." "You got that?" "Come on, man." "Have some dignity." "Let's just pull the plug." "This gravy train is a wrap for all of us." "We're not pulling the plug until you recognize that non-squeeze." "Just pull the damn plug." "If she lives, she'll be deformed." "What kind of shitty life is that?" "(CRYING)" "Damn it!" "My lady is not dying until we've had a real benefits talk up in here!" "Oh!" "Did I hear a nigga raising his voice in the I.C.U.?" "Okay, nigga, that's it!" "Your government benefits have expired!" "Come with me." "If you don't get your damn hands off of me..." "Hey, guys!" "Did you know there's a really important lady out there who's really sick?" "Wow, this is boring." "I'll go see if she's hot." "(MONITOR BEEPING)" "(CRYING)" "I hear the sad-song cue." "I know it means something bad is about to happen." "I watch Grey's." "Hoo, we're in crisis mode." "Only one way to save her, a full butt-to-butt blood transfusion." "Does anyone know where I can find a huge ass full of AB blood?" "Wait." "AB blood?" "The Kardashians have always been O's." "I am out of here!" "So, people with "O" blood can't have AB children?" "No, never." "AB with "O"?" "No." "You see, the genetics..." "Damn!" "I got to make one quick call to my son's father." "Shit's about to get real." "So that means she's a fake?" "Ain't that a bitch." "(SCOFFS) Ain't it?" "I just lost my job." "Granddad, look, she's moving her hand." "(GROANS)" "I just wanted to be on TV." "GRANDDAD:" "Let's go, kids." "(FLATLINE)" "Look, stop with the war and kids stuff." "You want someone to hear your story, make it raw." "Yes, I fucked Eisenhower." "And back then, it was harder when you put out." "Syphilis could kill you." "Oh, my God." "I'd be dead like four times already." "Girl, you are a natural." "We can stretch this over 13 episodes!"