"In the last episode of Soap," "Jessica hired Detective Donohue to follow the trail of the missing Chester, but it appears Detective Donohue would prefer to follow Jessica." "Danny and Burt began following the kidnappers' instructions, hoping they'll follow through on their promise to return Elaine." "Eunice and Dutch are on their way to a farm in upstate New York and hope the police won't follow them, and what with Elaine's kidnapping and Jodie's wedding plans, it follows that Burt and Mary haven't had time" "to confront each other about their respective affairs." "Unable to follow all this?" "You won't be after the following episode of..." "Soap." "This is the story of two sisters," "Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell." "These are the Tates... and these are the Campbells." "And this is..." "Soap." "Yeah, uh-huh." "Well, you ask a stupid question, you get a stupid answer." "Yeah." "Which one of these phones are they gonna call on?" "They didn't say." "I'd feel a lot easier if that lady'd get off the line." "Excuse me, are you gonna be long?" "Get out of here!" "Thank you." "She'll just be a few minutes." "They could be calling any second now." "Danny, please, relax." "You take these four phones." "I'll get these four." "You've got a lot of nerve." "How's it going, lady?" "Rotate." "Good to hear it." "New Yorkers don't waste words." "Uh-huh." "Hey, lady, if you don't get off this phone, me and him are gonna kill you." "Well, why didn't you say so?" "I'll call you later." "Thanks." "[TELEPHONE RINGING]" "Okay." "Those are mine." "Those are..." "Hello." "Yes?" "Hello." "Hello." "It's them." "Yeah." "Yeah, I've got it, I've got all of it." "But I'm not taking another step until I talk to Elaine." "If that's not too much trouble, sir." "They want to hear the broad say," ""Hello, I'm fine."" "Give me the phone." "Okay, loverboy, so how do I know you got the money?" "I've got it, I've got it, but unless I hear from Elaine, you'll never see it." "Well, if we don't see it, you don't see her." "And if we don't see her, you don't see the money." "If I don't see the money, you don't see her." "No her, no money." "No money, no her." "Fine." "Fine." "It's fine with you." "It's fine with me." "All right, look, I've got it, every dime." "Just tell me, where do I make the drop, jerk?" "Don't you ever talk to me like that again." "Never again, sorry, never." "Here." "Watch your mouth." "Danny?" "Elaine." "Thank God." "Oh, Danny, Danny." "Oh, God, I feel so bad." "What's the matter?" "Are they hurting you?" "Because if they touch one hair on your head..." "No, no, no, honey, honey, I'm fine." "It's just..." "I feel so bad about being so much trouble." "Trouble?" "Baby, what are you talking about?" "You're no trouble." "I love you." "Oh, I love you." "I love you." "Oh, I love you." "I love you." "I love you, Danny." "I love you." "All right, all right, you love each other." "This call's costing a fortune." "All right, look, here's where you make the drop." "BOTH:" "Uh-huh." "Uh-huh." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Across from the..." "And behind a..." "Yeah." "That's not how you spell that." "How do you spell that?" "BOTH:" "Yeah." "Okay." "Got it." "Bye-bye." "Well, Danny, there's nothing to do now but... just wait for tomorrow." "[♪]" "I really love her." "I know, Danny." "Come on." "Dutch?" "Yeah?" "This is your grandmother's farmhouse?" "Yeah." "It's awful." "It's..." "It's a pigsty." "She sure let it go to pot." "Eunice, she wasn't a bad housekeeper." "She's been dead for 10 years." "Well, let's talk about it later." "I've got to go to the bathroom." "Ugh." "Dutch." "Yeah." "There's no bathroom." "Of course there's a bathroom." "There's got to be a bathroom." "There's no bathroom." "So, what did your grandmother die of?" "Kidney disease?" "I forgot." "Look here." "You see that over there by the tree?" "That's the outhouse." "Outhouse?" "Yeah." "That's where people go to the bathroom?" "Right." "Forget it." "You're the one who has to go to the bathroom, not me." "[SCREAMING]" "What, what?" "A tarantula." "What are you doing up here?" "What do you mean, what am I doing up here?" "You said, "There's a tarantula."" "You're a man." "You're not supposed to be afraid of a tarantula." "Like hell I'm not." "I can't stand things like that, spiders and stuff." "Blech." "Dutch, you've got to kill it." "You've got to be kidding." "That means I have to get close to it?" "Well, you killed a man, for God's sake." "You can kill a tarantula." "That's probably not a tarantula." "You know that, don't you?" "Oh, that's a tarantula, all right." "There's no tarantulas in New York State." "Oh, really?" "What do they do?" "Walk through Jersey, get to the George Washington Bridge and say, "That's as far as we go"?" "Dutch, what are you gonna do?" "I'm gonna kill it." "Can't stay up there forever." "Aaugh!" "That's not a tarantula." "That's a black widow spider." "Why didn't you kill it?" "Why didn't I kill it?" "Do you know how poisonous those things are?" "Well, he's probably much more afraid of us than we are of him." "Oh, yeah, sure." "Then how come we're the ones up on the table?" "Dutch, why don't you just jump off the table and land on him?" "Huh?" "Okay, come on." "Come on, come on." "Go ahead." "Okay, okay." "Jump." "Okay." "What if that doesn't kill him?" "Dutch, you weigh 180 pounds." "You'd kill a buffalo." "Now, go on." "Jump." "[WHIMPERS]" "Did you kill him?" "I don't know." "I don't feel him breathing." "Not under that foot." "Uh-oh." "What?" "He's not under that foot either." "Oh, God." "What?" "He's crawling up my leg." "Oh, he's not." "He's not crawling up your leg." "He is, he is." "He's crawling up my leg." "He's gonna bite me and kill me." "No." "Dutch." "Dutch, stand still." "You're gonna antagonize him." "Oh." "Oh, God." "What?" "It bit me." "I felt a bite." "This is it, Eunice." "I can feel the poison coming up my legs." "It's going right to my heart." "He bit me, he bit me." "I'm a dead man!" "Where did he bite you?" "On my leg." "[HYSTERICAL BLABBER]" "I've probably only got a couple of minutes to live." "There's nothing there." "What do you mean, there's nothing there?" "There's nothing on your leg." "Eunice, don't joke with a dying person." "That ain't nice." "Would you walk?" "[SCREAMING]" "What, what?" "I killed him, I killed him." "I was standing on him." "Where you going?" "To the outhouse." "If I can kill a spider, I can handle the outhouse." ""Into the mystifying oracles..."" "Oh, Benson, good." "Sit down a minute." "Why?" "I want you to work this with me." "What is it?" "It's a Ouija Board." "It tells the future." "Get out of here." "No, Benson, come on, now." "Just for a second." "What does it do?" "Well, first of all, we have to put our fingers on it." "Oh, no, not like that." "Gently, like this." "See?" "Now, I ask it questions, and it spells out the answers." "You paid money for this?" "Ready?" "Yeah." "Now?" "Yeah." "[SHOUTING] What is Benson going to cook for dinner?" "You could've just asked me instead of spending money on this." "Nothing's happening." "I guess I ain't cooking." "Give it a minute." "Forget it." "It probably don't move for black people." "Hi." "I let myself in." "Good, now you can let yourself out." "Oh, Benson, can I get something to drink?" "No." "Oh, good, thank you." "I'd probably spill it." "Detective Donohue," "I have a surprise for you." "And I have a surprise for you." "I found a bandage that probably belonged to your husband at the train station." "I think he's headed toward New York." "Oh, let's ask the Ouija Board." "It'll tell us." "Ouija Board?" "Mm-hmm." "That's my surprise." "No kidding?" "Well, that's sure gonna save me a lot of work." "Now I can conduct the entire investigation from the kitchen." "You don't believe in it, do you?" "No." "Well, do you think that you'll find Chester?" "Well, I've found everyone I've ever looked for, except for one person." "Who?" "My ex-wife." "What happened to her?" "She ran off with my partner." "No..." "We owned a detective agency together, he and I, for 10 years." "Then one day, he and my wife disappeared, along with most of our earnings." "See, he was screwing around with the books too." "You never found them?" "Nah, I never looked." "See, in the beginning," "I was so hurt, I couldn't bring myself to, and after a while," "I was so angry, I didn't want to." "How terrible." "Nah, it's okay, it's fine." "The house is quiet." "There's no hair in the sink." "Well, don't you worry." "Someday, you'll find someone." "I already have." "Oh, see that?" "Isn't that nice?" "It stinks." "I hate it." "I wish I'd never met her." "I'm a wreck." "If that woman knew what she was doing to me..." "You mean, she doesn't know?" "Of course not." "Well, you'll have to tell her how you feel." "I can't tell her how I feel." "Oh, of course you can." "No, I can't." "You just tell her." "I love you." "You see?" "Yes, just say it out, like that." "She'll love hearing it." "Believe me." "I love you." "Good, goodie." "It sounds good, huh?" "You, I love you." "Me?" "See what I mean?" "Sorry, I knew I shouldn't have said it." "You forced me." "I'm leaving." "Goodbye." "Where's the door?" "Me?" "You." "No." "Yes." "Really?" "What do you think?" "I'd make something like that up?" "Ooh... this is terrible." "Well, I don't know how terrible it is." "I'm not that bad." "Oh, no, I don't mean that, but if you feel the way you say you feel, how hard are you going to look for Chester?" "Very hard." "I'd rather compete with the man than with the memory." "Don't worry, Mrs. Tate." "I promise, you'll get your husband, and then..." "I'll get you." "Nervous, huh?" "Well, I..." "Don't be." "It's the happiest day of your life." "Remember that." "Yeah, I know..." "It was the happiest day of my life once." "It's the happiest day of your mother's life right now." "That true, Mary?" "[SOBS]" "You see?" "So don't be nervous." "You nervous?" "A little." "Don't be." "It's the happiest day of your life." "You nervous, Burt?" "No, I've been through this all before." "Yeah, I'm pretty nervous." "Don't you be nervous, because you're marrying a wonderful girl, and the entire family's crazy about her, so..." "Isn't that true, Mary?" "[SOBS]" "See what I mean?" "We're all tickled pink." "Oh, Ma, Ma, you all right?" "Oh, great." "Is that happy crying or unhappy crying?" "You know, I've never been able to tell the difference." "Yes." "Yes?" "It's both." "I'm happy because you're getting married, Jodie, but..." "I'm losing my baby." "Ma, you're not losing me." "I'm right here." "You'll move out." "I'll never see you." "Ma, I moved out months ago..." "And you still see me." "I mean, today's a perfect example." "Look this way." "What do you see?" "You." "See?" "[MUMBLING]" "Just let me explain something to you now." "Now, you know I'm not very big on father-son lectures, right?" "But women are different than men." "I suppose you understand that more than anybody, having dealt with it from both sides, so to speak." "No, I mean up here, you know, it's up here they're different." "For instance, sometimes, if you're nice to them, right away, they get suspicious, and then if you treat them rotten, they think they did something wrong, and they feel great, you see?" "That is one of the more ridiculous things" "I've ever heard." "Please, Mary, I know what I'm talking about here." "They contradict a lot too." "You say, "blue." They say, "green."" "Totally untrue." "See that?" "Okay, that's it." "See you out there, Jodie." "Thanks, Burt." "Uh... you know, Ma, I am a little nervous." "I know." "I hope I'm doing the right thing." "I think you're going to make a terrific married person." "Ah, there you are." "Everything okay?" "No, Aunt Jessie just sewed herself to Carol." "Do you think maybe you could go and undo them?" "Yes." "I'll see you later." "Yeah." "Hey, you son of a gun, you." "Hey." "You nervous?" "Yeah, a little." "Well, don't be, because today is the happiest day of your life." "I heard." "You sure you're holding up okay?" "Yeah." "How about you?" "Okay, okay." "There's not much left to do except follow instructions and wait." "You know, Danny, you didn't have to come here today." "I would've understood." "Hey, look, we could all use a happy time right about now." "I'm glad." "Hey, listen," "I'm not really big on giving brotherly advice, but..." "I have found from personal experience that if you treat a woman in a certain way, she'll respond in a certain way, so whatever you do, always treat Carol in a certain way." "Thanks, Danny." "It'll pay off for you in the end." "It's good to know." "Gee, isn't it something?" "I'm married." "You're getting married." "Remember when all we used to think about was whether Susie Spivak's... were real or not?" "They were." "Ah, life was so simple then." "Everything was so easy." "At 6, you were gonna be a fireman, and I was gonna be a dog." "That's right," "Big Alfred, the collie, who lived down the block." "And then a year later," "I was gonna be the president, and you were gonna take Mickey Mantle's job away from him." "You know, I'd still give five years of my life to have my face on a baseball card." ""Dallas, Jodie." "Born:" "New York City." ""Bats left, throws right." ""Jodie once completed four double plays in one game wearing high heels."" "[LAUGHING]" "Well, it's time." "You ready?" "No." "Now I'm ready, little brother." "Hey, Alfred, come on, boy." "Come on, come on." "[WHISTLES]" "[ORGAN PLAYING]" "Hey, Jodie." "Hi, Billy." "Good luck." "Thanks." "Does this mean I don't get to go to the Knick games with you anymore?" "Why would you ever think a thing like that?" "You won't have an extra ticket." "Relax." "Carol hates basketball." "That's great." "She's a terrific person." "I'm letting you off guard duty tonight, private." "Just be sure she's out of the barracks by 0600." "[WEDDING MARCH PLAYING]" "Maybe she's having trouble with her gown." "I'll..." "I'll go see." "Okay." "[MUSIC STOPS]" "Shouldn't she come out now?" "Would you?" "I wonder what's keeping her." "Common sense." "[WEDDING MARCH STARTS]" "[MUSIC STOPS]" "[♪]" "[WEDDING MARCH PLAYING]" "[MUSIC STOPS]" "Uh..." "Excuse me, everybody, but, uh..." "It appears that there's not gonna be a wedding today." "We seem to be missing a bride." "I'm sorry." "I mean... you all came down here, and you all got dressed up and everything, and, um... blew a Saturday, and..." "I wish there was something I could do." "A flower girl offered to marry me, and her mother said no." "Listen, um..." "You know what I think?" "Uh..." "Since we're all here anyway, and, uh, we sure could use a party..." "Why don't we go in the next room, take the dolls off the cake, and get blitzed." "What do you say?" "Okay?" "Will the kidnappers drop Elaine off at the Campbells' after Danny and Burt make the drop?" "Or will she have to take the bus?" "Can Eunice really be happy living on a farm with Dutch?" "Or will she miss Bloomingdale's?" "If Detective Donohue gets Chester, will he be able to get Jessica, or will she tell him to get lost?" "Where has Carol gone?" "What will Jodie do?" "And does this mean he has to return the wedding presents?" "These questions and many others will be answered on the next episode of..." "Soap is videotaped before a studio audience." "[♪]"