"Minister, there's something in the press you should see." " About me?" " I'm afraid it's in Private Eye." " Private Eye?" " Yes..." "They're exposing something." "Not that character reference I gave for Dr. Savundra?" " That party at Poulson's?" " I didn't know about those." "No, that's the thing they make up in that squalid little rag!" " What is it?" " Perhaps you'd better read it." " Good God!" " Frightful, isn't it?" " May I come in, Minister?" " Listen to this." "What's that?" "Oh, Private Eye?" "Splendid!" ""The saga of the top secret Guthrie Report, revealed to the Eye last week, continues to embarrass Ministers." "It seems one of the present Cabinet subjected to phone-tapping, bugging and 24-hour surveillance while in opposition was none other than the egregious Jim Hacker"." "What's "egregious" mean?" "I think it means "outstanding"." "In one way oranother." ""Jim Hacker, whose department administers 23,000 other administrators." "Ironically, it is egregious Jim's department that is now responsible for supplying all the government's computerised bugging equipment." "Presumably, this makes him the government's chiefbugger"." "Wonderful!" " Is this true?" " Which, Minister?" "That I was under surveillance and am now responsible for bugging." "Surely, you don't believe what you read in that squalid little rag." " Nevermind." "Is it true?" " Don't take it too seriously." "Well, I do!" "This says I was undertotal surveillance." "An MP and free citizen!" "It cuts at the very heart of democracy!" "It contravenes human rights." "Oh, yes..." "Surveillance is indispensable in the battle against organised crime." "You're not describing politicians as organised crime?" "Disorganised crime, too, of course!" "Humphrey!" "I once wrote a leader on this as editor of "Reform"" "and started a nationwide petition against bureaucratic busybodies, bugging and phone-tapping." "Now I learn from Private Eye, Humphrey, not from you, that I'm responsible for it, and you nevertold me." "You didn't ask." "Thank God fora free press and forone open, fearless journal!" " You said itwas a squalid rag." " Sharpen up your antennae." "Learn to adapt more flexibly to a developing situation." "I see." "I'm sorry." "Where are the transcripts of these bugged conversations?" "They were put into a report." " Who got these reports?" " The Home Secretary gets them." "Gets them?" "Gets them?" "Not about you, Minister." "Not now." "Nowhe'll be getting reports about Her Majesty's opposition." " Who gives them to him?" " Ml5, presumably." " You seem very calm about all this." " Yes, Minister." "I think it's horrifying, a distinguished citizen..." "If I may say so, an extremely distinguished British citizen who's given his life's service to his country, finds these faceless bureaucrats have listened to his every word." "All his phone calls." "His rows with his wife and daughter." "His private arrangements with his accountant!" "Not that I!" " No, quite so." " Well, why, Humphrey?" " Why surveillance or why you?" " Both!" " It's the same answer." " Why split it into two questions?" "I didn't want to risk answering a question you weren't asking." "I'm asking you now." "Why was I undersurveillance?" "It's perfectly obvious." "Do you mind?" "Before the election, it was rumoured you'd be appointed Defence Secretary." "So?" "If the PM was giving you defence, in the national interest, that Ml5 must be satisfied you weren't a security risk." " My privacy was invaded!" " Better than your country, Minister." "Have you everbeen undersurveillance?" " Me, Minister?" " You." "I'm a civil servant!" "So were Burgess and MacLean." " Oh, well..." " And Philby!" "They weren't Permanent Secretaries." "One becomes a Permanent Secretary after a life of reliability and integrity." "The rigorous selection procedures winnow out all but the most upright and honourable public servants." " And what about Ministers?" " They have many dazzling qualities!" "Including..." "Enviable intellectual suppleness and moral manoeuvrability." "What are you trying to say?" "You can't trust them!" "Not you, of course, Minister." "Ministers, unlike civil servants, are selected at random by prime ministerial whim, in recognition of dubious services rendered, orto avoid appointing someone of real ability." "Not you, Minister!" "You certainly are to be trusted." "You might almost be a civil servant yourself!" " Is that a compliment?" " Indeed." "The ultimate compliment." "Would you trust every Cabinet colleague never to betray a confidence?" " And all the opposition front bench?" " You must be joking!" "You were in the opposition at the time." "Be that as it may, I have decided I'm going to stop it." " But this is a Home Office matter." " Nevertheless, I'll make it harder." "If I'm responsible for bugging, I want some democratic safeguards." "Are you about to suggest that people won't be put undersurveillance until they've signed a form agreeing to it?" "No, we'll have a select committee to vet every application, and no surveillance to last over two weeks without a further application." "Will you set the wheels in motion, please, Humphrey?" "Very well, Minister." "Bernard, send a minute to each Cabinet member." "I'll plant a question for a backbencher to ask." ""Can you assure us no colleagues have everbeen undersurveillance?"" " That should shake him." " It certainly will." "Ask Walter Fowlerof the Express to meet me fora drink." " What for, Minister?" " First law of political indiscretion:" "Always have a drink before you leak." " Will it make a story?" " Yes." ""Ministerfights forphone-tap safeguard"." "Yes!" " Where will they run it?" " High up on the home news page." " Not on page one?" " Can I attribute it?" " "Minister speaks out"?" " No, no, no." "Then, where did I get the story?" "I can't say, "Officially announced"." ""Government spokesman"?" "How about, "Sources close to Minister"?" "Hold on, I don'twant everybody to know I told you!" "Couldn't you do, "Speculation is growing in Westminster"?" "A bitweak." ""Unofficial spokesman"?" "Used that twice this week already!" "The Cabinet's leaking like a sieve, isn't it?" "Couldn't we attribute it to a leading member of the sieve..." "Cabinet?" "No..." "How would you like to be "an informed source"?" "OK. "Informed source"." "Quite a joke, isn't it, describing someone as "informed"" "when his Permanent Secretary is Sir Humphrey Appleby?" "Everything we said on the phone, recorded and transcribed." " It's humiliating!" " It is a little humiliating." "That MI5 know you talk at home the same as you talk in public." "The gross national product, borrowing requirements, draft agendas..." "I didn't mean that!" "I meant our private talk." "I hadn't thought of that..." ""Got the carkeys?"" ""I thought you had them!" That'll bring the government down!" " You're not taking it seriously." " What gives you that idea?" "They might've heard what we said... in bed!" "Why?" "Do you snore in code?" " You trying to tell me something?" " Since you ask, why don't we go away for the weekend like we used to?" "Yes." "Why not?" "What the hell!" " Let's go to Kingsbury Down." " Where?" "Only where we spent our honeymoon, darling." "Yes..." "Where you first explained to me the effect of velocity of circulation on the net growth of money supply." "Yeah..." "I remember." "Did you get that, boys?" "The Minister... on a death list?" "Well, who are the International Freedom Army?" " We do not, as yet, know." " Why assassinate the Minister?" "He's so harmless!" "Nevertheless, we cannot risk the Minister's life." " No." "That means the full...?" " Quite!" " Morning, Minister!" " Morning, Minister, how are you?" " Sorry I'm late." "Didn't sleep well." " Sorry to hearthat." "Actually, I feel like death." "Perhaps that's just as well." " See this morning's Express?" " Indeed." ""Minister acts to curb phone taps"." "Wonder where they got that." "A leak, I suppose." "Terrible, isn't it?" "Terrible." "It only reaffirms my determination to act." "Are you sure you've considered all the implications?" "Yes." "Free citizens have a right to privacy." "But suppose MI5 had reason to believe these free citizens were, to take a purely hypothetical example, planning to assassinate a Minister?" "The freedom of the British people is worth more than a Minister's life." "Freedom is indivisible." "Ministers are expendable." "A man in public life must expect to be the target of cranks and fanatics." "It is a Minister's duty to set his life at naught." "He must be able to stand up and say, "Here I am!" "Do yourworst!"" "And not cower in craven terror behind electronic equipment, secret microphones and all the hideous apparatus..." "of the police state." "I don't want to hear about it." "I must say one more thing on this matter." "Very well." "Be brief." "Special Branch have found your name on a death list." "That has no bearing on the situation." "What?" "Special Branch have found your name on a death list." " A death list...?" " An assassination." "I know what you mean by death list, but what do you mean?" "I don't think I can put it any more clearly, Minister." "To put it absolutely bluntly, investigations have proved the existence of documents whose provenance is unestablished but whose effect would be to precipitate a bye-election." "What do you mean?" "You're on a death list, Minister." "Who and why?" "The International Freedom Army, a new urban guerrilla group." " What've they got against me?" " As you may recall, there have been rumours of a Cabinet reshuffle, and your name was linked with the Ministry of Defence." " Who can they be?" " An Irish splintergroup?" "Baader-Meinhof, PLO or Black Septemberorhome-grown loonies!" "Anarchists, Maoists, Libyans," "Iranians or the Italian Red Brigade, for all we know." "But they're all connected, so it could be a new group of freelance killers." "Special Branch don't know where to start." " The list isn't just me?" " Not just you, Minister." " There must be hundreds on..." " Just three." "Just three." "Yes?" "Commander Forest of Special Branch." " Shall I?" " Please do." "The Home Secretary wants detectives to protect you." " This man will inform you." " Detectives?" "They can't protect you against the assassin's bullet!" "Certainly not, but they can determine the assassin is brought to trial." "Afterthe victim has been gunned down, of course." "Commander Forest of Special Branch." " Morning, Commander." " Morning, sir." " Sit down." " Thank you." "You've been told about this list, sir?" "List?" "What list?" "Oh, list, yes." "I'll brief you on the standard hazards and precautions." " Thank you, Bernard." " Do I have to take it seriously?" "In a sense, that's up to you." "We advise..." "Most people might be in a frightful funk, but it's all in a day's work!" " I admire your courage, sir." " Thank you." "Right, well..." "Shoot." "I mean...!" "Assassination hazards fall into four categories:" "Bullets, bombs, poisons and so-called accidents." "There's also gassing, throttling, stabbing, drowning, garrotting and ritual disembowelling, but they are uncommon in the UK." " All right, then." " Startwith bullets." "There's your assassin on a tall building or in a car, your killer in a crowd and phut!" "There's the unexpected house caller, your marksman in a van, and the revolver through your carwindow." "So avoid crowds and keep away from windows." "Commander, could I suggest bullet-proof curtains for the office?" " Bullet-proof!" " By lunchtime, sir." "We'll fit them in your London flat when we do the place over." " Do it over?" " The usual locks, security alarms." "24-hourpatrols by local staff, phone taps." "Just the usual?" "You'll have bodyguards round the clock." "Never answer your door in person and keep car windows locked." "Never draw up by the pavement at lights." "You don't want a terrorist to jump in!" " No." " Course not!" "Lfhe draws his car in front of yours, ram the axle and sweep it aside." "Bombs!" "Carbombs you know, but never open letters." "Forthe time being, we'll re-direct them." "Now, poisons..." "Be suspicious of gifts of food, chocolates." "Check the milk bottle caps every morning for hypodermic holes." "Don't forget the poisoned umbrella jabbed into the calf." "Now... accidents." "Never walk along the edge of pavements, rivers, railway platforms." "We don'twant to make it too easy for them." "Especially the electric railway- so avoid the Tube." "Electrocution... another favourite." "A little tinkering with the telly, toaster, electric blanket and Bob's your uncle." "Your late uncle." "They have to be checked." "Any questions?" "Good!" "Here's your list of standard safety precautions." " I'll be in touch." " Thank you, Commander." "If you're pushed out of a window with railings underneath, try and land on your head." "Quicker!" "Humphrey... how do we find these terrorists before they find me?" "Phone tapping and surveillance of suspects is the best way, but it does incur intolerable intrusion on individual privacy." "On the other hand... the people's representatives must represent the people." "Any threat to them is a threat against democracy, isn't it?" "How?" "These threats constitute an attack on the people's inalienable democratic right to have leaders of their choice, who must be protected by every possible means, no matter how much we might regret the necessity for doing so." "Beautifully argued, Minister." "My view exactly." "Or else you're a dead duck." "Good God!" "What's that?" " The petition's arrived." " Petition?" "Against phone tapping and surveillance." "The one you started in opposition." "2.25 million signatures." "But we need surveillance!" "It's an essential weapon in our fight against crime, right?" "I couldn't have put it better myself." " I see." "Shall I file it?" " Shred it!" "No one must find it." "In that case, I think it's best I file it." "Great way to spend a second honeymoon." "Table for...?" " Eight!" " Two." "I've a nice table by the window." " We've chosen the target's table." " Target?" "Sorry, Minister." "Overthere by the kitchen door." "You sit here, sir." "Constable Ross will be watching the kitchen door, your escape route." "We're not expecting assassins here, since we only booked this morning." "I'll sit by the window." "If you heargunshots, get under the table." "I'm not really worried." "It was just a champagne cork, darling." "Just practising." "I'll have spaghetti bolognaise, then T-bone steak, peas, beans, cauliflower and chips, and a bottle of Château Baron Philippe de Rothschild 1961." "Takes it out of you, this job." " Beautiful, isn't it?" " Beautiful." "Quiet and peaceful." "Lovely to get away from it all." "Lovely." " This all right foryou?" " Lovely." "Not James Bond?" "I thought itwas "Belle du Jour"." "Yes, but they didn't want to see a foreign film." "I can't stand this." " Target in there now?" " Yeah, with his wife." " They going out again?" " Nah, turned in forthe night." "They don't seem to be enjoying the holiday." "Wonder why?" "I can't sleep here." "I'm going home." "What the hell's all this?" "Local force, sir, showing they're doing theirbit." "Come in." "Oh, you're in!" " May I just check the windows?" " Go ahead." "Thank you." "Goodnight, sir." "Sleep well." "Don't worry, darling." "You'll get used to being a famous man's wife." "I hope so." "I don't want to be a famous man's widow." "But..." "I don't follow." "You want to stop phone tapping, you get this petition of 2.25 million signatures to boost your case, and you won't even give me a quote saying you welcome it." "A promise to implement its recommendations?" " It's not that simple." " Why not?" " There are security implications." " There always were." "OK, I'll make an even bigger story:" ""Minister rejects his own petition"." "Now, hold on!" "I..." "Are you accepting it or rejecting it?" "No." "My editor asks if being on this death list has altered your views on phone tapping." "Heavens!" "What an extraordinary idea!" " So why this change of tune?" " No change of tune." " Can Sir Humphrey see you?" " Humphrey!" "What can I do for you?" " Excuse us." " Won't be a minute." "I'll wait out there." "Good weekend?" "Marvellous." "Me, Annie and half of Special Branch." " Rozzers with guns." "Unforgettable!" " The burdens of office!" " This can't go on." " You said it!" "It isn't going to." "Special Branch is with drawing your protection." "Wait a minute!" "I didn't mean..." "Why?" "They've suffered an a cute personnel establishment shortfall." " They're what?" " Short-staffed." "No more protection." "Short-staffed?" "There's a more dangerous threat to the Soviet premierat Chequers." " But he's Russian, I'm British!" " In fact," "Special Branch believe the threat to your life has diminished." "How do they know?" "Surveillance of a conversation." " What did it say?" " It's of no..." "I've a right to know." "Well, it was to the effect that, in view of the nebulous and inexplicit nature of your remit, the arguably marginal and peripheral nature of your influence on decisions within the political process, there could be a case for restructuring their action priorities" "so as to eliminate your liquidation from their immediate agenda." "They said that?" "That was the gist of it." "What's it mean in English?" "Well, it means that they don't think you're really important enough for it to be worth assassinating you." " I don't agree, of course." " You mean...?" "What?" " They should assassinate me?" " No, no, no!" " I'm not important enough?" " No, no..." "I mean you are important enough, but they shouldn't assassinate you anyway." "That's marvellous." "Not that I was everworried." "Mr Fowler's waiting." "Yes, bring him in." "Have we still got that petition?" "If so, show Mr Fowler." " The petition?" "But you said..." " Yes, I did, but bring it in." " Antennae, Bernard." " Yes!" "Yes, indeed." " The petition you were pleased?" " That's right." "God!" " The papermust have an answer." " Of course." "I want you to know I welcome this petition warmly!" "It's not just the sort of thing you can sweep underthe carpet." "As for death lists, well, Ministers are dispensable, but freedom is indivisible, right, Humphrey?" "Yes, Minister."