"Robin Randall was a stay-at-home suburban mother of two, living 14 years free and clear of any criminal activity, when, all of a sudden, she returns to the hotbed of delinquency from her past..." "New York City, home of 12,000 security cameras pointed straight at you." "Did you really think you could go by unnoticed?" " What was in the bag?" " What bag?" "Oh." "The... bag." "I don't..." "It's..." "I lost it, so it doesn't matter." "You can stall all you want, but the guy we've got in the next room... he's telling us everything." "This guy..." "I know him." "Her." "I know him." "She..." "I don't know." "I have no idea who she is." "I don't know who that is." "Or that." "Or that." "Or that." "Or tha..." "Talk to me about your husband." "Uh, well, Nate has nothing to do with any of this." "She was talking about this guy." "Carlos is it?" "What time is it?" "What?" "Oh, it's early." "Where are you going?" " Go back to sleep, babe." " Why are you up?" "It's just I-I'm gonna run out real quick." " Okay." " Okay." " Get me a bagel." " Hmm?" "Yeah." "With... poppies." "And a coffee." "Okay." "And don't go to the close place." " Go to the good place." " Bye." " And a milk and coffee." " Okay." "Milk and coffee." "Babe?" "You back already?" "Hey, did I say "poppy," 'cause I meant "everything."" "Did you get me everything?" "'Cause I wanted everything." "Where are my glasses?" "Uh, how should I know?" "What?" "What's wrong with your voice?" "What's wrong with your face?" "What?" "You got my shirt on?" "Uh, yeah." "I was cold." "Babe?" "The pig?" " Oh, shit." " Back off, perv!" "Aah!" "What..." "Check your privacy settings." "What the hell?" "!" "Who are you?" " I'm Hannah." " What are you doing here?" "!" "Uh, I ate dan-dan noodles and I did a mound of coke." "What do you think I'm doing?" "Wait." "Hold on." "You look like the old guy from "Up."" "Here." "One second." "Um, be grumpy." "What?" "Perfect." "Why are you in my apartment?" " Oh, this is your place?" " Yes." " How much do you pay?" " A lot." "Well, hopefully not too much." "You have ghosts." "Let me start again." "Why are you here?" "I came with Paris." "Who's Paris?" " She's friends with Bean." " Who's Bean?" "Oh, my God." "He's so chill." "Actually, could you do me a favor?" "Could you tell me you're proud of me?" " Why?" " It helps me go." "Finish up whatever disgusting thing you're doing right now and get out of my house." "Oh." "What..." "What are you?" "Are you Paris or are you Bean?" "Are you mad at me, Daddy?" "Yes, I'm very mad at you." "I need you out of here." "And I'm not that old, okay?" "Oh, my God." "Oh, geez." "Ew." "Whoa!" "What the hell is going on in here?" "!" "Shit." "Sorry, Nate." "I'm sorry." "I told them to be quiet." "Hey, the guy from "Up."" " Who are you?" " I'm Bean." "This is Carlos." "Stop saying names of people I don't know!" "Carlos. "The guy who I helped get his green card" Carlos." "Ex-husband Carlos." "No "ex." Current-husband Carlos." "Mucho gusto, señor." "It's nice the three of us could finally meet." "I just re-grammed you." "You get the... away from me." "Oh, my God!" "Ow!" "Get out!" "You said he was short and fat." "No, I didn't." "I said you didn't need to be threatened by him." "Well, I'm not, but... in my current state..." "Yeah, what's going on with this?" "Oh, I don't know." "I got talc'ed by the Hooters waitress." " Who?" " Why is he here?" " Why are you here?" " He found my bag." " What bag?" " The bag." "How did you find the bag?" "I was in a bus station, coming home from Miami." "You took a bus from "My-jammy."" "Sí." "It's the only way to travel." "I hear the bus driver yelling, "Robin Randall!" "Robin Randall, your bag!"" "Let me get this straight." "In a city of 8 million people, you just happened to be walking by the bag of your fake wife you haven't seen in 14 years." "Sí." "That kind of stuff happens to me all the time." " Where's the bag?" " It's at the club." " What?" " I was gonna go get it, but then everybody had to use the bathroom, so here we are." "You guys should really sublet this kitchen." "It's so much nicer than the kitchen I'm living in." "Why didn't you bring it here?" "Because I knew she would want to see the club." "Why would you want to see the club?" "Listen, Nate, I've been over this with him." "Trust me... it's just gonna be easier if I go to the club and get the bag." "Okay." "Fine." "Take Phi Beta Brooklyn with you." "Nice choice, Frijole." "Hey, it's Bean." "And you told me to play this." "Turn this off." "Oh, it's mí and mí esposa's wedding song." "Yeah... song for your green-card wedding?" "Yeah, we had to make it look real." "Who makes this their song?" "People who like it like this." " Hey, hey!" " Hey." " Hey, hey!" " No, Nate!" "Nate!" "No." "No, no, no." "What the hell is going on?" "!" "Trust me." "I'm just as confused as you are." "These are your niños?" "So big." "This one... she looks like her father." "But this one... special." "Your name, muchachito." "It's Jareb." "Yareb." "You know, Yareb, your mother and I used to dance during our long nights of excess." " What'd you say?" " He said "excess."" " No, he didn't." " His accent made it sound" " like he said something else." " Every other word was fine." " Why did he stumble on that?" " I don't know." "And what are these long nights he's talking about?" "Just parties..." "I mean, occasionally." " You know." " I don't know." " I don't do that." " Yes, you did." "Petirroja can be very coy." " What did you call her?" " It means "red breast."" " It's like the bird robin." " Robin the bird." " Yeah." " Sí." "Bird." "Brrr-brrr-brrrr." "Brrr-brrr-brrrr." "It's a shitty bird impression." "Okay." "I'm gonna go get the bag." "I'll be back in an hour." "An hour?" "No, no." "I got to go to work." "You take the kids." "I can't take the kids to the club." " We're fine on our own, guys." " No, honey, you're not fine." "One hour." "I'll..." "I'll meet you at work, okay?" "It's gonna be fine." "Come on." "Let's go, let's go, let's go!" "Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on." " Come on, come on." " Let's go." "It's fine, it's fine, it's fine." "What the hell just happened?" "I don't understand why we can't just explore the city." "Don't blame me." "Blame your mom." "So... so, can we take off?" "No." "I want you guys to come see my new job." "What do you do?" "I sell structured hydro-nutrients." " Isn't that just water?" " Are you kidding me?" "We are harnessing its innate chemical memory to optimize axon functions in the brain, which keep the body clear of harmful toxins and promote and sustain mood balance." "Now, does that sound like just water?" " Yes." " It... it's not." "So, pretty great, huh?" "It's empty." "Yeah, I know." "I'm the first of many." "It seems creepy." "Guys, would you please just give me something here?" "It's pretty awesome." "I got a corner office and everything." "It's kind of cool." "No, it's damn cool." "I'm the boss." "It's cool." "Can we go?" "Yeah, where's mom?" "I...don't have a watch." "And no." "Come on." "Thank you for that." "It still would have been so much easier just to leave it with the bus company." "So, this is the part where I ask you what you're really up to." "I'm just happy to be of service." "And very happy to see you so happy in an otherwise... how do you say... dull life." "Okay." "Nice try on the neg." "You have your bag, your beautiful children, your strapping man, his new job." "You should go." "That's the reverse neg." "That's... that's original." "Do you mean a compliment?" "Ugh!" "This place." "What are we?" "Like... 22?" "Come on." " It feels that way." " Yeah, it doesn't." "I'm leaving." "Babe, where are you?" "It's been two hours." "I'm worried." "Give me a call." "IPetirroja!" "You are a vision." "39 years old, two kids, and I can still rock a size-zero dress." "Suck it, Millennials." "Right?" "So basic." "Why are you calling me?" "I have to work tonight." " Who is this?" " It's Hannah." "You're still at my house?" "What..." "Okay." "Uh, is my wife there?" "No." "Hey, that club you guys were at... it's not listed anywhere." "Do you know where it is?" " Yeah." " Well, where is it?" "I can't tell you." "Why not?" "Because I have to show you." "Fine." "Listen, you guys want to stay here?" "Okay." "Play on your phones." "I'll be back in 20 minutes." "Hannah, stay there." "I'm coming to get you." "Don't do anything stupid, okay?" "Thank you." "Well, you might have to sleep with Carlos to get into the club." "Aah!" "You all right, dad?" "Yep." "All good." "You guys the new recruits?" "No." "We're Nate Parker's kids." "Yeah, I figured." "I was just, uh..." "So, uh, where's your dad?" "He went to get my mom." "Great!" "Can't wait to see her." "So, uh, what do you think of your dad's new job?" "He's the boss." "Gonna be selling structured hydro-nutrients." "They're what happens to water when..." "Yeah." "We read the pamphlet." "You know, I don't get you kids." "You got three whole floors of empty, raw space, no parents, no rules, and all you're doing is sitting on your..." "Hey, uh, dude, Wi-Fi..." "what's the password?" "Oh." "Um, I'll go check on that." "What a weirdo." "Hey." "I got your Wi-Fi password." " So cool!" " That was awesome!" "Put your damn phones down, and I'll let you try it." "All right, I'm out of here." "You know why?" "'Cause I am a good, responsible mother now." "I got to go pick up, uh..." "what's her name and that boy." "Okay." "I guess this is..." "how do you say... adios." "Okay." "Yeah, that's good." "That's original." "This guy... all he ever wants is to get into my pants." "But you know what, pal?" "Not anymore." "'Cause this gal is taken." " So am I." " What?" "Oh." "Robin, Sophia." "Sophia..." "Robin." "Oh." "Oh." "Oh." "The jealousy play." "Oh!" "Not!" "That's..." "Come up for air much?" "Hey, junior high called." "Your braces are getting locked together." "You're so hungry." "Eat a sandwich." "Goodbye, Robin." "Oh." "Oh." "The walkaway." "That's predictable." "You're really embarrassing yourself, mom." "Bye-bye." "Bravo!" "Bravo!" "Bravissimo!" "Excuse me?" "We're trying to work here." "Oh." "Sorry." "Don't apologize to those assholes." "Who are they?" "They're my tenants..." "Goddamn IRS." "Yeah, I am currently the only man in New York City collecting money from these leeches." "J.R., what's today's bathroom code?" "Right to free speech, bear arms, not to quarter soldiers, and unlawful search and seizures." "So... 1-2-3-4." "Hey." "Those shit tickets are going on your bill." "Okay, I think it's around here somewhere." "How hard is it to put a sign on a door?" " That is so able-ist." " What?" "Yeah, you're assuming that everyone can see or read." "Oh, my God." "How do you function in life?" "Matcha lattes and Adderall." "Oh, wait." "Are you calling me, like, stupid?" "I wasn't calling you "like, stupid."" "I'm, like, a doctor." " Oh, you're like a doctor?" " Yeah." "Oh." "Yeah." "Right here." "Jesus." "Ooh." " Careful." " Yeah." "What the hell goes on at this club?" "What doesn't?" "Ugh." "It just reeks of effort." "Shut it." "So, what now?" "We wait for the light." "For how long?" "That's up to Bowhaan." "Who's Bow..." "Oh." "Who gives a shit?" "Jealousy's really not a good color on you." "I'm not jealous, okay?" "I just hate the fact that my wife is hanging out with an attractive guy who does a shitty accent and she's still married to." "No, I get it." "I mean, I saw the way that she was looking at him." "If she put a stalk of celery in her underwear, she could have made soup." "Oh, Bowhaan!" "It's cold in there, dude." "What?" "Oh, she's amazing." "Her medium is menstrual blood." "You're lucky." "She's only here once a month." "I didn't ask about her..." "No!" "Wilson." "That is fake blood, right?" "If you need it to be." "Come on." "I never thought I'd agree with the Taliban, but, uh... maybe we do have too much freedom." "Such a grump." "Hi." "It's 10:00 on a Monday." "All right." "Great." "This club's not all that bad." " Hey, guys." " Hey." "Forget about them." "I want to take this whole wall down." "Okay." "My mom would never let us do this." ""This is dangerous." "You're gonna wind up in the hospital."" "Everything's a lesson." "Sounds like she's having a hard time letting you two grow up, which, in my book, makes her a good mom." "Watch this." "God!" "I just lost August 2013!" "That said, you are getting to an age where you need to figure shit out on your own." "Every man should be his own teacher..." " His own preacher..." " Aah!" "His own Environmental Protection Agency." "Hey, what's the matter?" "I told you I want to take the wall down." "Well, I can't see." "The goggles are all foggy." "Can I take them off?" "Of course you can." "What if he gets wall in his eye?" "Well, that's a lesson he learns on his own." "Be your own OSHA, kid." " Be my own ocean." " Yeah." "I'm Lake Michigan!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "What?" "He didn't hurt his eye." "Thank you, ladies and gentlemen." "Tonight, you're gonna see feats of magic never before seen by any pervert in New York." " Babe." " For my next trick, 9 of clubs." "Everyone see that it's the 9 of clubs?" "Okay, let's do just a little shuffle." "Babe." "What are you..." "Sorry." "Just a little shuffle." "Whoo!" "Where did it go?" "Where did that card do?" " Sorry." "You look like..." " I have a feeling." "Frottage, I need your expertise, please." " Robin!" " Come on." "Do what you do best." "Ohhhh!" "Robin!" "Oh, oh, oh, oh!" "It's... it's coming..." "Aah!" " Hey." " Nate?" "Ow!" "Aaaah!" "That's right, ladies and gentlemen." "It's the 9 of clubs from my asshole." "This ain't your father's magic." " Hey." " Hey, where the hell is he?" " I'm gonna kill him." " Why?" "Why?" "Why?" "Because he kissed you." "Oh, my God." "You slugging Carlos was dope." " It was sick." " Nasty." " Mom goals." " Sure." " "F" him." " Def." "Why didn't you come get the kids?" "Because they texted me." "They said they were having a great time." "You texted them and you didn't check your voice-mail from me?" "It's too loud in here for that." "Why are you still here?" "Why are you here?" "Are you checking up on me?" "I'm..." "You're putting this..." "You still like him, don't you?" "Oh, my God." "I still..." "Do I still like him?" "Are you in junior high?" "Yeah, I like him." "But I don't "like him, like him."" "Is that what you're asking?" "Well, there's one guy I like-like." " Who?" " It's you." " I know." " It's you." " I know." "I just..." " It's you." "I know." "I still want to hit him." "What's that gonna solve?" "It will make me feel better." "But I hit him already." " Yeah, you slapped him." " I know." "But I slapped him really hard." "I know, but you got to close your fist or else you're not gonna do any structural damage." "All right, listen to me." "You're never gonna have to see him again, okay?" "I promise." "I think we are, because we're gonna get you divorced." "Oh, that's such a sexy plan." "I don't know what to tell you." "I did everything you said." "We danced, we kissed." "I gave her a size zero-zero dress to make her feel cheery about herself." "I'm sorry." "She's lost." "Okay." "It's the end of the party." "You must all leave... now." "Oh, wow." "Jesus!" "Oh, God." "Wow!" "What a bunch of freaks." "Oh." "Babe." " What?" " Oh, babe." "Your eye." "You don't feel that?" " No." " You don't feel anything?" "Nothing." " And look up, please." " Oh, that's hard." " Look down." " That hurts more." " Okay, look up." " Oh, shit." " Huh." " What?" " Interesting." " What is it?" "Can't you just give me some drops or something?" "Why the hell would your boss let them wield a sledgehammer?" "Are you talking to me about irresponsibility?" "Look what you're wearing." "It's noon." "Yeah, don't blame J.R., mom." "We always have the option to wield sledgehammers." "We just choose not to exercise it." "Dr. Lopez, can you come over here and take a look at this?" "Why does she need to look at it?" "Take a look at the oculus sinister." "What did you get in there?" "I don't know." "It was probably the breast milk." "What breast..." "Oh, no, that was baking soda and water." "Then it was the period blood." "Katie?" "Katie only uses non-toxic children's paint." "Hey, guys, can you come over here" " and, um, take a look at this?" " Oh, no." "I don't need all these pe..." "I was watching the magic show, and the guy pulled a card out of his..." " Pocket?" " No." " Sleeve?" " Just stop." "He pulled his card out of his..." "Why are you here?" "Mm." "I'm, like, a doctor." " Oh, you're like a doctor?" " Yeah." "Gonococcal keratoconjunctivitis." "Whoa." "Check out Hannah." "She's like a doctor." "Resident to president!" "Wait." "Where are you going?" "Hey." "Hey!" "What is wrong with my eye?" "Oh." "Well, you have gonorrhea... of the eye." "What?" "You should never butterfly-kiss a butthole." "Yeah, especially not without goggles." "For safety." "I didn't..." "I didn't kiss it."