"Hi." "I'm the director of Childrens Hospital," "David Wain." "Thank you." "Tonight's episode is written by the winner of the Childrens Hospital superfan contest, Carol Torton." "I am the super-est fan of all, David." "I love Childrens Hospital more than anything." "Well, except my daughter, of course." "Now, is this your first experience with writing?" "It's my first experience writing for television, yes." "But I've written a ton of fan fiction." "Okay, now, for our audience, this is when fans of shows and books and movies write their own stories where they make up their own ideas of what the characters should do." "That is exactly right." "I've written a ton" "Star Trek, Buffy the Vampire Slayer," "The Daily Show." "Was it hard to write one for Childrens Hospital?" "Well, I wanted to explore two things." "First of all, nurse Beth!" "How is she not the star of the show, you know?" " Okay." "Okay." " Just so great." "And then" "So, you got to understand," "We gave Carol a few basic TV 101 writing tips." "like, you know, "there should be high stakes", and "there should be a ticking clock", that sort of thing." "But, no, she wrote the script entirely by herself, and we shot it exactly as she wrote it." "So, we hope you enjoy tonight's fan-fiction episode" ""The Lovers, the Fighters, the Heroes,"" "or, "Who Cures the Doctor but the Moon and Blood?"" "by Carol Torton." " (squeals)" " Would you like to..." "Oh, my gosh, yes!" "Aaaaah!" "(mid-tempo music plays)" "Fan-sync and corrections by dwigt" "(woman laughs)" "Hello, journal." "It's me, nurse Beth." "I've always felt like the odd one out, like a flower in the garden whose strange leaves hide the beautiful stamen and pistil within." "I'm not one of the gang, and it hurts." "I am in love with Dr. Owen Maestro." "He is as gorgeous as the languorous summer if the fall never arrived to wipe the poppies and Indian paintbrush into oblivion, but he will never notice me." "Instead, I'm having a sexual affair with Dr. Glenn Richie." "but he's just using me for the sex, like the handyman uses a hammer." "But alas, my dear journal, he doesn't love me." "(laughter)" "I am so attracted to Owen, I could barely continue on." "My hand slowly moved to my mons Venus." "Dr. Owen Maestro, you're so lame!" "You're indoors and you're putting sunscreen on?" "You're so pale!" "You're as pale as a bowl of cream!" "You're as pale as the keys of a piano-  the white ones!" " Yeah!" "You're as pale as the yummy blondies I bake" " with white chocolate chips." " (laughs)" "(laughs) Sounds delish." "You should have won first place at the Weymouth community center bake-off, not Sandy Homewood and her tasteless red velvet cake." "He is really pale!" "(laughter)" "My desire to belong overpowered my intense attraction to Owen." "I realized I was going to have to join in and make fun of him." "Something along the lines of," ""You're so pale, you look like the moon."" "Ha-ha!" "You're so pale, you look like the moon." "Shut your mouth, outsider." "You don't belong here." "Why don't you go somewhere where you do belong, outsider?" "Like outside." "(laughs)" "Why don't you go outside?" "(laughs)" "Meet me in my office later." "We'll have sex like we always do, rough and stinging." "I'll dominate you," "And I'll leave your bottom crimson." "You're only using me for the physical stuff." "I feel like I'm being used." "Like my daughter always says, "Hells yeah."" "Meet me in my office so I can use you soon." " Sure, I'll do that." " Bye-bye." "Bye-bye." "Fine." "This whole sunscreen business you read about is just a bunch of malarkey anyway." "I mean, my daughter went to swim camp all summer." "She never used it once and she survived." "I'll go shower this stuff off." "Hang on, sweetheart." "You're in Dr. Cat Black's hands now." "We're gonna help you." "How are we gonna help her?" "To be honest, I have no idea how we can help her." "Hello, Chief." "Drs. Downs, Black." "Hello, Dr. Flame." " Hello." " Hello." "Well, we have to figure out what's wrong with her before the head brain surgeon gets here." "We have to prove to him that we're the absolute best in the business by being the absolute best that we can be." "The head brain surgeon." "How ironic." "Get it?" "Head and brains are brothers." "(chuckles) Ah. (laughs)" "Nice joke, Chief." "Even hospitals need lighter moments." "You're not afraid to go there." "Just like Ray Romano." "So, what do we know?" "This girl has terrible diarrhea." "That sounds like gastroenteritis caused by strains of campylobacter." "Or in layman's terms, "the runs."" "I agree." "In layman's terms, "the runs."" "Oh, "head brain surgeon."" "I just got it." "You're not afraid to go there." "Geez, as my daughter would say, "L-O-L."" "Oh, Val." "You may very well be very, very pretty, but upstairs, your brains are as blond as your locks are, too." "I am on my way to Glenn's office when I pass the showers." "Dear diary, all of my dreams have come true, like in some kind of a dream." "Owen, like a statue from the Grecian isle, is full-on nude right now." "Hey, what are you looking at?" "(breathing heavily)" "Hey, nurse Beth," "I saw you looking at me in the shower." "Your body..." "It's sparkling." "Yeah, I sparkle sometimes." "I should have told you." " No!" " What?" "We mustn't." "We mustn't." "We mustn't!" "Darn, her electrolytes are too low." "Electrolytes normally consist of sodium, potassium, carbon dioxide, and chloride-- citation needed." "This is more than just gastroenteritis caused by strains of campylobacter." "In layman's terms, "the runs."" "(gasps) Wait, do you hear that?" "(ticking) (gasps)" "There is a bomb in this girl's tushie!" "We have to get that out." "Let's cut this bomb out of her tushie." "Scalpel, stat!" "Now all we have to do is wait while Cat works on that little girl's butthole with a scalpel for a bit." "No, no, no!" "It's too risky." "We should just try getting her to pass the bomb naturally with fiber." "Not fiber again." "You're always the doctor who tries to take the naturalistic approach, and I'm always the doctor who wants to play it by the books." "We never agree." "I've got it!" "We should call detective Chance Briggs." "Isn't she right, Cat?" "Yes." "Chief's right." "I don't trust that Owen Maestro." "I don't know." "I mean, he seems okay." "You are being a naughty little girl, aren't you?" "I'm going to have to teach you a lesson." "Then I'm going to press my erection up against your tight abdomen while we kiss." "And then I'm gonna tug off your panties and put my engorged male sex inside of you, but not before I let my fingers turn you inside out... with pleasure." "Did someone call a detective who has a mustache?" "Detective Chance Briggs, you old former partner of Dr. Owen Maestro." "I'll use my skills to disable this tushie bomb." "These sure are high stakes." "Oh, my dear gosh!" "That bruise." "It's okay." "You're the best doctor here, Owen." "Do you treat all the children here with such a tender touch as you're giving me right now?" "Yes, but not in a gross or illegal way." "Children are our greatest gift from God above, though they can really get my goat when they don't listen sometimes." "Make that most times." "(laughs) You really did go there, didn't you?" "I'm worried about you, nurse Beth." "That bruise looks like the work of a one Dr. Glenn Richie." "Where is that little S.O.B.?" "No!" "It's not like I can get another man." "I'm the odd one out here at Childrens Hospital." "I may have the body and stretch marks of a woman who's given her less-than-grateful husband a beautiful tween daughter who can play the violin up to level two, but I can juggle parenting with both my writing and running a 700-hits-a-day Etsy store." "I could be your man, except..." " Except what?" " Except I'm a" " Hey!" " What?" "Get your hands off my bad girl!" "I was eavesdropping, and I overheard when you didn't know that I was listening but I was." "I can tell you what he is, Beth." "Nothing but a vampire." "Well, you should talk, Glenn." "Because Glenn's a werewolf!" "A vampire?" "A werewolf?" "It's true." "I can transform my body into that of a wolf, but he's a bloodsucker, hunting like an undead shark who flies like a bat instead of swims like a shark." "His hunger?" "Same as the shark I mentioned before-- blood." "I'm gonna tear you apart!" "(growls)" "(roaring)" "(sniffing)" "(howls)" "I've always fantasized that this would happen." "We want you to watch us, Beth." "We're totally straight, but we're doing this for you." "(howls)" "(monitor beeping)" "Oh, gosh." "I couldn't do it." "There's no hope." "Hello, everyone." " (together) Hello." "I'm Dr. Carolyn Montague, the head brain surgeon." "A surgeon can be a woman just as easily as a man." "Look at Judge Judy, for example." "Hand me an intramedullary kinetic bone distractor, stat!" "(gasps)" "It wasn't a bomb." "It was a" "Yes." "A ticking clock." "Dr. Carolyn Montague, how did you know how to instantly solve such a difficult medical case?" "Because the patient is my daughter, Padmé." "Oh, my gosh!" "From that amazing Etsy store." "The very same." "Padmé, do you have anything to say?" "Yes." "Thank you, mommy." "I will never stay out past my curfew again, because that is how I got the clock in my tushie." "Who is that beautiful, intelligent woman?" "She reminds me of me." "She must be your best friend." "Is that right, doctors?" "She is now." "I realized we're all the heroes." "We're all the lovers." "We're all the fighters." "My transformation has fully been completed," "From lover... to lover... to fight... to hero... to me." "♪ Guard your hope with your life ♪" "♪ For the darkness, she will come ♪" "♪ Oh, and you have nowhere left to run ♪" "♪ Oh, but your eyes are wider than mine ♪" "Sync  corrections by dwigt"