"Previously on "In Treatment"..." "He threatened to kill me." " You're smiling." " I've had patients over the years who had their lives threatened." "You just brought this up like it was nothing." " Did you mean that literally then?" " Of course not!" "I'm not gonna fucking kill her." "I want a divorce." "I haven't slept in, like, a week." "I, I can't sleep, I can't eat." "I don't know what to do." "I really..." "I don't want you to leave me." "Got it." "Great." "Great." "Right." "Got it, thanks." " Aah!" "Hello." " Hi." " I'm a little early." "I hope it's okay." " That's okay." "Can you, uh, can you just give me a few minutes?" " Sure." " Thanks." "S01E29:" "Jake and Amy, Week Six" "I'm just gonna close the curtains." "How are you, Amy?" "Good." "You seem a little, uh... restless." "I wanted to get here early." "I just " " I rushed a little." "Why would you rush to be here early?" "Well, one of us is often late, so..." "I don't know." " Jake's not coming." " Oh." "Don't worry, we're together." "Everything's fine." "We're seemingly in love, and he knows that I'm here, and it's fine for him to know everything that we talk about." "I have to tell you, I was offended... outside, just now." "I, I mean, I know I'm an adult and, and you have things that I don't need to see or hear but I felt like a scolded child." "It... never mind." "It's -- crazy." "It's not you, it's, it's me." "I don't know what's gotten into me, but I felt like... a little embarrassed because I'd already stood up, and you suddenly stopped me." " I certainly apologize if I " " I wonder if there are patients that you would've let in even if they arrived early." "You know, patients you have a different relationship with." "I know, Jake and I aren't easy, and..." "I just think you must have... easier patients, more interesting patients, patients that are more fun, that you like more." "Is my enjoyment of our sessions important to you?" "Maybe." "And, so, it would bother you if I didn't enjoy them?" "Maybe not." "Forget it." "You said that Jake and you... uh, weren't easy as patients." "How, how would you define yourself as a patient?" "Bad." "Just kidding." "I wouldn't trade places with anyone." "It's just..." "I don't know." "Have you ever thought about changing places with anybody?" " Perhaps." " Who would you like to trade with?" "What kind of a patient would you like to be?" "Maybe I want you to be different." "Me?" "Different how?" "I don't know." "Harrison Ford." "Okay." "That's a bit of a stretch for me, but, um... okay." "So how would -- "Dr. Harrison Ford" behave if you were early for a session?" "Who says I'd be seeing him for therapy?" "He certainly wouldn't make me wait outside like a naughty schoolgirl." "So you felt, that was like some kind of rejection?" "Okay." "So, um..." "Why don't you tell me... what's been happening since I saw you last week." "Everything's fine -- like I told you." "You said that you and Jake were, um, "seemingly in love"." "What, what does that mean?" ""Seemingly in love", I said that, didn't I?" "Typical." "Everything's fine." "Why is that typical?" "Today, he's meeting with some guy that might commission some music from him." "You make it sound like you don't think that's gonna happen." "And he said to me that I should come here on my own, that talking does me good." "It's not like Jake to send me here alone, is it?" "You've turned him into the new and improved Jake, the new sensitive Jake." "You could cut the mutual support this week with a knife." ""Oh, you look great." "Your makeup looks good."" ""You'll be working late?" "That's fine." "Good luck."" "The other day, before a meeting, he actually said to me, "Go get 'em!"" "Isn't that funny?" "What -- why is it funny?" "This is so... sweet." "And "sweet" isn't good?" "Sweet's fattening." "And then, two days ago, he said to me, "Would you like to have sex with me?"" "Would I like to have sex with him?" "Can you believe it?" "It's like he was offering me a canapé." "And then he kept wanting to kiss me and touch me and... be all loving and affectionate." "He kept saying," ""do you like this?" "Does this feel good?" It actually got very tiresome." "And at the end, when he was through," "I found myself patting him on the back like I was burping a baby, and he kept whispering my name, "Amy, Amy."" "It was such a turnoff." "And why was that such a turnoff?" "It was just so..." "So..." "So what, Amy?" "Is it worse than whispering "I'm gonna kill you" in your ear?" "Much worse." "God, all that tenderness." "Not your cup of tea." "No." "Why not?" "You know what?" "Sex like that is terrible." "What we need is -- angry sex." "That's what we had, that's what held us together." "Even when we wanted to kill each other, we had that, probably because we wanted to kill each other." "This... touchy-feely sex wasn't the deal." "You know, the kind of sex we used to have," "I couldn't even tell my girlfriends about it, nobody would have believed me." "Or else they'd call social services and have Jake arrested." "Now it's like he's had a lobotomy or like he's brain-dead." "Only, he's not brain-dead, he's just a terrible fuck!" "It's your fault." " It's my fault?" " "The man in touch with himself"." "God... might be better if he..." "knocked me around a bit." "You really think that'd be better?" "I don't know." "Maybe I deserve it." "How do you like my necklace, by the way?" "I think it's... it's very nice." "It's a gift." " From Jake?" " A Bulgari from Jake?" "No." "It's from Ben." "Do you remember Ben -- my boss?" "Oh yes, mmh-hmm." "I, um, told Jake that I'd be going back to the office tonight because I have a conference call with some clients in Bali." "I also told him that Ben was traveling, but the truth is," "Ben is picking me up from here, and we're not going back to the office." "Where are you going?" "Wherever the evening takes us." "What do you think of that?" " What, dinner with your boss?" " It won't be dinner." "Well, it might include dinner, but there's no stopping the rest of it." "Why can't it be stopped?" "Do you want me to stop it?" "It won't do any good." "I know it'll happen." "Ben and I are inevitable." "The minute that the thought entered my head, it was as if somebody had triggered a ticking time bomb." "Nothing will stop it, no matter how many bomb experts I bring in." "You can't stop it, no one can." "So, who triggered the time bomb?" "The lousy sex." "I was in the shower -- by the way, it's the first time" "I've been in a hurry to get in the shower after fucking Jake, and it dawned on me that no matter what I do..." " something's gonna happen with him." " So, you're punishing Jake for the bad sex or because -- of this new... this new tenderness, this new... attentiveness that he's shown?" "Tell me why am I doing this?" "Why can't I stop?" " You haven't done anything yet." " Yeah, but he'll be here in a minute." "So, you like this guy?" "Ben?" "He's a prick, but it's..." "It's like I need..." "You need what?" "The Employee-of-the-Month award?" "The Office-Slut award?" "I, uh..." "I'd like to go back to something that we touched on, uh, last week." "You, you, you said that you were, um... that you were overweight when you were a child." "That really captured your imagination, didn't it?" "I think it's something that we -- should talk about." "I know, you said it didn't bother you, but... you did say something about children being -- cruel." "Well, I was fat." "Not overweight, fat." "My sister was the overweight one." "I'm kidding." "My sister's gorgeous." "It's really hard for me to believe that you actually ever were... this overweight kid, it... it's like you've erased that girl." "Right after my father died, I decided to stop eating, it's..." "It's like I woke up 45 pounds thinner." " How do you wake up 45 pounds thinner?" " I just didn't eat." "And I felt like it was the one thing that I could control in that house." "Some days I'd just have one cracker all day long, and I'd feel my stomach get flatter and I'd have this wonderful sense of light-headedness, this wonderful high." "What?" "Doesn't matter." "No, go on, finish the thought." "My father was a lovely man, sweet, charming." "I loved him very much." "And your mother?" "My mother's dead." "You know the joke about the farmer with the two cows?" "The one cow gives milk and the other one doesn't?" " No." " No?" "Never mind." "Anyway..." "my dad died when I was 13." "And my mother's rather like Cinderella's stepmother, and my sister's like the evil stepsister." "Once, when I was 13, um... my parents came back from Milan with two identical dresses, very, very beautiful ones." "A red one for Maria, my sister, and a blue one for me." "Mine, of course, didn't fit me." "So, my mother told her to switch with me because she was older and hers was slightly bigger." "She, of course, didn't want to, so she started screaming and said, she wanted the red dress, it's not her fault that I'm so fat." "And finally, she threw the dress at me and said, "Then take it, fatso."" "So I started crying." "And my mother said, "What are you crying for now?" "You should be glad your sister's dress fits you and that she agreed to trade dresses." "You should thank her."" "Later, I heard my parents arguing and my dad said to my mom," ""Why didn't you just get them the same color dress?"" "And my mother started whispering, she said, "I can't buy her red, she --"" "I couldn't hear her properly then." "She seemed like she said, "She looks... like a watermelon in it", or "She'd look like a fire truck in it"" "or "She'd look like a beach ball", or..." "I couldn't hear what she said." "So, did you ever -- talk to your dad about what -- you might have heard?" "No, I never got a chance." "So, could you have, could you have talked to your mom about it?" "Why not?" "She'd say that I was making things up." "That's what she said... to most of my complaints." "She used to call me "the fabricator"." "I had a -- very vivid imagination, I used to make things up." "Once, I told her that I saw my sister kissing the, uh, gardener behind the house." "She went ballistic." "She nearly had a coronary." "You know, once, Maria -- had a blind date, and before he got there, she said, "Let's play a trick on him."" "And she told me to open the door and pretend that I was her." "And she'd watch from the room next door, and if she didn't like him, she just wouldn't come out, and" "I could pretend that -- I was sick and cancel the date." "So, when I opened the door, he was really cute." "And I thought, she'd be interested in him." "So, I -- kept talking to him and... pretending to be her and chatting away, and finally, she came out from the other room and said, "Hi, I'm Maria."" "And he was -- completely -- confused, and I was... utterly humiliated." "I, I, I went so red, actually," "I still get embarrassed when I think about it today, and... she told him that I was just checking out her dates for her and, that at it was all just a joke." "The thing is, I didn't get the joke." "I mean, not till years later, I, I..." "I didn't realize till then that all she really wanted was to see the look of relief on his face, when he realized that she was his date, not me... the fatso." "Hilarious, right?" "Don't worry, I got back at her years later." "I met him at college and I fucked his brains out, and I told her that he didn't remember her and I'd had to remind him." "And she said, "Oh, whatever, I dumped him after two dates anyway."" "And I said, "Oh?" "He told me that he dumped you because you smelled like tuna."" "And is that true?" "No." "So, really, you settled that account in bed." "I did indeed." "And now you're settling another account in bed, with Jake this time." "What, because he's become too..." "sensitive for you?" "So, um... so, let me make sure I have this right." "Your father died when you were 13." "Yes." "You must have been pretty devastated." "I was." "He was -- a lovely man." "He was affectionate and -- great." "Physically affectionate?" "Yeah." "He'd come into our room at night, when we were sleeping and... kiss us on the eyes." "And then I'd -- half wake up, I'd smell his aftershave and know that he was there." "And then he'd whisper in my ear that he loved me and... he'd hold my -- face in his hands." "He had these huge hands, like a construction worker." "And he was just... so... tender and lovely." "And yet, when Jake is tender and he expresses his love through tenderness, it makes you angry." "You said, it was... "disgusting"." "Do you think, that might be because it scares you?" "That you've learned you can't trust people who express themselves... tenderly, that they seem weak?" "That they're going to abandon you, die and leave you behind?" "And so, in order to avoid that, you provoke Jake." "You make him angry." "You create these situations that bring out the worst in him, and he treats you badly." "Ben'll be here any minute." "What should I do?" "Do you really want me to give you permission to have sex with your boss?" "Once." "Just once." "Just tell me it's not that bad." "I think, it might be that bad." "But you'll explain it to Jake if he finds out." "Can you, can you make sense of it for him?" "And what is exactly that you want me to tell him?" "That I'm fucked up!" "That I can't help myself, that, that it's bigger than me." " Just tell him that I'm fucked up!" " So, even if Jake forgives you, do you think that you can forgive yourself?" "I always forgive myself." "That's my problem." "I, I, just -- close my eyes... before I go to sleep at night and I ask God for forgiveness, and I forgive myself -- for everything." "Even the unforgivable things, I... never get punished." "You think that sex with Reeves will go unpunished?" "Who's gonna punish me?" "Maybe you've already started to punish yourself." "Do you really think that sleeping with Reeves is gonna bring back the good old reliable angry, controlling Jake, the one who fights you and threatens you?" "I don't know." "And now that he's expressing his love through tenderness," " do you feel that you deserve that love?" " It's not love!" "It's neediness, it's weakness, it's unbearable." "So, it's only love if he chases you, stalks you, tapes you, is jealous of you, is that it?" "I think, you need to look at this a little more carefully, Amy." " It's like it's happened already." " But it hasn't happened already, you still have a choice." "Nothing happens without you." "I have to go to the bathroom." "Hi, it's Jake." "Leave a message." "Hey, Jake, it's me." "Um..." "It's, it's nothing important." "I just thought" "I might catch you." "I just wanted to hear your voice." "Okay, talk to you later." "Bye."