" Excuse me?" "Skullion, isn't it?" " What if it is?" "I thought so." "You probably don't remember me." "Carrington." "I was up at Porterhouse in the '70s." "Right, yes, you had rooms above the Hall." "Yes, that's right." "Yes." "What a memory!" " Flirty Bertie, they called you." " Yes." " Someone told me they'd turned you out." " Might have, might not." "Porterhouse always had such a good reputation with its college servants." "It's known for fairness." "Lord Wurford would never have turned out his head porter." "He'd sooner have cut his own throat." "I was wondering, would you like to talk about it at all?" " What do you mean?" " l'm in television, you see." "It's just a little interview, a few questions about the changes." "It might help you." "I don't know." "Where would you want to do it?" " How about outside the college gates?" " No." "Not going back there." "In your own house, then. ln Rhyder Street." "No. lt's college property, so it wouldn't be right." " l'd do it in London." " Yes, but we're filming on location here." "I only do the live links in London." "I don't like films." "Unnatural." "Like them contraceptives." "No, I do it in London or I don't do it at all." "Thing is, I haven't been to London for, what, 13 years?" "I'd quite like to go back. I'd pay me own fare." "Very well, Skullion." "We'll do it in London." "Right." "Erm..." "And now this porter's been sacked?" "Well, what kind of story is it?" "Glorious tradition destroyed by modern stupidity, or blind conservatism standing in the way of change?" "Well, the Dean wants us to expose the corruption of modern day liberalism." "He reminded me I got a lousy 2:2, accused me of selling my soul to the media, and then said he wanted to appear on the programme." "God, look at this place!" "How I hated it!" "This is the fountain they kept putting me in." "And over there's the tower the contraceptives blew up." "Fantastic!" "Well, if you're having sex, always go for the big one." "Right?" "So, let us emphasise the aspect of tradition, young Carrington." "May I be seen arranging the hymnals for the choir?" "No, no, we want you right here, please, in front of the statue." " OK, going for a take." " OK, ready." "Turn over." " Righto, Dean." "Colleges like... now." " Take one." " Erm..." " And action!" "Erm..." "Yes." "Colleges like ours have always been celibate communities." "In my view, the thing that keeps an academic fellowship together is sex." "Marriage for the Fellows I still regard as a new and dangerous innovation." "I hope that is not old-fashioned of me." "As for introducing women into a male college like ours, that is simply an erotic fantasy on the part of our new Master." " And...cut." " End board it." "Five, take one." "End board." "(Senior Tutor) Lightly with your hands!" "Delicacy of touch." "As when offering a cup of tea to your aunt." "Number five, you're washing out!" "Cover your blades." "Ow!" "Senior Tutor," "Porterhouse has an astounding reputation for its rowing." "You coach them." "How do you achieve it?" "We always put sport first, you know, over academic achievement." "And we take training seriously." "That's why we demand the highest standard of college cuisine." "You won't get a good performance out of a young man unless he's properly fed." "Number four!" "Shove it in and push it." "When I say, "Now", I want you to take one mouthful, and then say what I told you to say." "Right, come on, let's go." "Take 1 7." " OK, turn over." " Take 1 7." " Ready." " And..." "Ready." "Now, Chaplain." "Now, Chaplain!" "Ah!" "(Chuckles)" "Now, many scholars believe that Porterhouse began life as a nunnery." "Erm..." "This is a confusion." "There were nuns here, but for rather different purposes." "Now, the college began as a brothel, and that was quite an ordinary thing in the 15th century." "And this broadminded view I've tried to encourage in my students when I'm advising them." "Try au pair girls, language students." "That's what I always say." "Mmm!" "(Chuckles)" "Mmm, this is delicious, Abel." " (Knock at door)" " Come in." " Mr Skullion." " Yes." " How can I help?" " Thank you." " Please sit down." " Yes." "Thank you, sir." "Well..." "I want to buy a house." "Always a sensible investment." "Yes." "Ah." "Do you have any particular property in mind?" "Yes, sir. lt's the house I live now, in Rhyder Street." "Oh. I happen to know that Rhyder Street is on the market as a lot." "There's already been a substantial bid." "Very substantial indeed." " l appreciate that, sir." " You have a few thousand in your account." "That won't go very far in Cambridge and you won't get a mortgage at your age." " Oh..." "Look here." " Now, what's all this?" "It's my legacy, sir." "Some shares been left me." "How long have you had these?" "Since before the war, sir." "Left me by Lord Wurford." "Very honourable man, he was, sir." "Mr Skullion, I'm afraid this might come as a little bit of a shock to you." "There's nothing wrong with the shares, is there, sir?" "I mean, Lord Wurford, he was a gentleman." "They must be worth something." "Well, at a rough guess, they're worth about half a million pounds." "Half a million pounds?" "You could buy up the whole of Rhyder Street if you wished." "Though if I were you, I'd find a fine property somewhere and start a new life." "A very nice new life." "Oh, no, I don't want a new life." "I want my old one." "I want my porter's job back." "Oh, come now, Mr Skullion." "Your servant days are over." "Why not go back home and think about it?" "Half a million pounds?" "We would be very happy to assist you with any investments you may wish to make." "It's funny. I offered them to the college." "They could have rebuilt the Tower and everything." "Well, thank you very much. I'm very grateful." "Hadn't you better leave those certificates with me for safekeeping?" "No, I'll take them with me, if you don't mind, sir, in the box." "You see, I remember Lord FitzHerbert." "Yes." "So, alas, do we." "Well, thank you, sir." "So, what about Sir Godber?" "What's his point of view, then?" "I went and had tea with him." "He congratulated me on being the only enlightened son of Porterhouse, apart from himself, of course." "He gave me permission to film in the college, as long as he could bleat on about his radical philosophy of education." "Then I had his wife all over me." "She's the sort of titled woman who gives philanthropy a bad name." "Our unhappy Tower, a symbol, I fear, of what goes wrong when natural desires are repressed, and the needs of youth are thwarted." "The past cannot guide us always." "That is what these ruins say to me." "Let us remember that the old, and I mean anyone over 30, cannot stand in the way of the new." "I declare myself on the side of the young." "And I personally intend to reach out directly to our young people, boys and girls alike, whose minds and bodies will gladly respond if fondly approached." "The time has come, not to look behind, but before." "That is why we must have women in the college." "(Carrington) And cut!" "Marvellous." "Very eloquent, just exactly what I wanted." "Well, thank you." "It should stir the college up a bit, eh?" " Yes, indeed." " Well, goodbye." " Bye-bye." " Goodbye." "Pompous old fart." "Now, we've got a car and a chauffeur to take you to the Savoy." " Oh, what's that, then?" " lt's a hotel, Mr Skullion." " You said somewhere nice for a few nights." " Yes, of course. I'll pay. I can, you know." " Yes." " What's happening here, then?" "They're knocking it about a bit." "Terrorists, is it?" "No, they're rebuilding it, Mr Skullion." "(Skullion) They can't leave anything alone these days, can they?" "(Director) Cameras out of line-up." " Do you want to go over it again?" " lf you like, Mr Carrington." "I'll say "When did you become a college servant?" and you'll say..." " 1937." " Don't elaborate." "I'll say, "You've been Head Porter since 1949," and you'll say..." " Yes." " You've been a college servant for 45 years." " And you'll say..." " Yes." "Yes." "And I'll say, "What's happened now?"" " And you'll say..." " l've been sacked." ""Any idea why?" And you'll say..." " No." "No. 1937, yes, yes, I've been sacked, no." "Got it?" "Uh-huh. it's all up here, Mr Carrington." "Fine." "Don't kick the table, keep your eyes on me, never look directly into the camera." "Remember, there are eight million people out there watching you." "Enjoy the show." "Relax." "Bob, I've rewritten the intro." "Get it typed." "All know where we are now?" "Serena, I'm off to make-up." "Huh!" "He still does that, then?" " Did that as an undergraduate." " Yes, he still does." "Are you enjoying London?" "How's the hotel?" "Oh, nice, I suppose." "Too many porters." "Hm." " What's all this?" " What would you like?" "Whisky or gin?" "What for?" "Well, most people like a drink before they appear." "That explains a lot." "No, you go ahead if you need to. I'll just have my pipe." "Well, all right, but not while we're on air." "Fire regulation." " Who are all these?" " People that make the programme." " What, all these, just to take my picture?" " That's right, just to take your picture." "Turn another knob, Chaplain." "Little as I know of these things, sound, surely, should emerge, as well." "Strong north winds will die down by the evening." "Temperatures should reach a maximum of six degrees Centigrade, 43 Fahrenheit." "And now, live from London, we take our weekly look..." " Good luck, everybody." " Five, four, three, two, one. ident." " Wipe to one." "Go." " Zero." "Stand by, Carrington." "And... cue Carrington." "Good evening and welcome to another edition of Questioned By Carrington." "Tonight we begin by looking at Cambridge, and in particular, at a Cambridge college recently rent by controversy." "On film for one minute." "The popular reputation of Cambridge rests upon the carol service and the boat race." "But to many people, Cambridge is one of the great centres of learning, the birthplace of science and the midwife of culture." "As the young men and, increasingly, the young women of today's generation proudly bear away their laurels, perhaps they remember the great footsteps they are treading in." "Milton and Darwin, Wordsworth and Tennyson, Byron and Rupert Brooke." "Isn't that a simulacrum of the Wren Library?" "Amazing!" "Where the youth of today play on the Backs," "Newton first devised the laws of gravity, and Rutherford split the atom." "I must say young Carrington has a way of skipping the centuries fairly rapidly." "But tonight we look at a college unique even in Cambridge, Porterhouse." "Ah!" "Us!" "The college came to public prominence when its Bull Tower blew up, killing a brilliant young student and his attractive bedder." "Attractive?" "I never thought so." "One has to allow a little for journalistic licence, Mary." "..especially when the astounding cause became known." "Hundreds of gas-filled contraceptives had exploded in a chimney." "Just what bizarre practices did go on in ancient Porterhouse?" "Did he say bizarre practices?" "I went to the college to find out." "First I spoke with the Dean of Porterhouse." "In my view, the thing that keeps an academic fellowship together is sex." "That is the answer to a quite different question." "Then I met the Senior Tutor." "You won't get a good performance out of a young man unless he's properly fed." "I didn't mean..." "The Chaplain, responsible for religious standards, spoke to me in his set." "Now, the college began as a brothel." "What's that I'm saying?" "This broadminded view I've tried to encourage in my students when I'm advising them." "Try au pair girls, language students." "That's what I always say." "Mmm." "This is a total misrepresentation." "Marvellous, Godber." "He's exposed the lot of them." "And finally I met with Porterhouse's new, reforming Master, Sir Godber Evans." "Now we'll see our side." "And I personally intend to reach out directly to our young people, boys and girls alike, whose minds and bodies will gladly respond if fondly approached." "Godber!" "This was the atmosphere surrounding the explosive and erotic death of Lionel Zipser and his shapely bedder." "But as the new broom of change sweeps through the college, the scandals continue, bringing rumpus and ruction to the once-quiet academic cloisters." "With me now is one of Porterhouse's longest-serving members of staff," "Mr John Skullion." "Skullion?" "What's he doing there?" "Mr Skullion, when did you first become a college porter?" " 1937." " And you were made Head Porter in 1949." " Yes." " You've been a loyal servant for 45 years?" " Yes." " And what's happened now?" " l've been sacked." " You've been dismissed?" " Yes." " Any idea why?" " Yes." " You mean no." "No, I mean yes." "I'll tell you why, Mr Carrington." "The new Master, innit, eh?" " Brought in these dreadful changes." " Yes, I'm sure he has." "But..." "Machines for johnnies." "French letters to you, sir." "Makes you wonder what young people go to college for these days." " That's very true." " Self-service everything, innit, eh?" "Self-service food, self-service drink and now they've got self-service sex!" "They would have been sent down in the old days." "Progress, they call it." "I don't, I call it immoral." " Well, immoral it may be, and I think..." " lt's all wrong." "..film will demonstrate that." "Young people shouldn't be taught they can do what they want." "Life's not like that. I didn't want to be a porter, but I had to. I had to earn my living." " Want to go to telecine?" " Oh, no, no." "Let's stay with this." " And so you think..." " l'll tell you what I think." "They've lost their nerves." " We're running out of time." " Permissiveness, they call it." "I don't. I call it cowardice." "Huh!" "All this French letters and queers!" " They used to duck them in the fountain." " Did you really?" "Yes, you remember that." "You remember that, Mr Carrington." "I remember that night they ducked you and that other poofter." "Ho ho, what was his name, now?" "Erm..." "Course, I never told anyone about that, sir." " Head Porter sees everything, says nothing." " That's very true, yes." "I know my place, sir." "Not my job to ask questions." "That's the modern attitude, asking questions." "I'll leave that to the likes of you and this new Master." "We're staying with you, Cornelius." "It's great, he's doing fine." "What none of you seem to realise is that most people, decent people, they want certainties, that's what we used to have in this country." "No doubt, Mr Skullion, but times have changed." "Not for me, Mr Carrington." "Ah, no." "You tell it to Skullion, it's like telling it to the statues in the chapel." "Lord Wurford used to say that, you know." " l'm sure he'd have appreciated that." " l know all about him, and all." "Oh, yeah." "Policemen scrubbing him in the bath, everything!" "Lord Wurford?" "I didn't say a word, sir." "Didn't tell a soul." "Like you, he appreciated that." "Left me a legacy." " Lord Wurford left you a legacy?" " Oh, yeah." "Turned out to be worth more than I thought." "Of course, I offered it to the college." "Let me get this straight." "You offered your legacy to Porterhouse?" "Oh, yes, sir." "Oh, yes." "Very good to me, they were, in the past." "Yes, yes." "And what happened when you made this very generous offer?" ""No," said the Bursar." ""l wouldn't dream of taking it."" "The next second, he gives me notice." "Bursar, is this true?" "He offered his legacy to College?" "We couldn't accept the poor man's life savings." " Yes." "Well, there we are." " After 45 years, eh?" "Eh, 45 years?" "Also, he kicks out all the other servants from their houses." " That's how they're treating us now." " Yes." "All colleges have their secrets." "Yeah, like ours." "Our secret endowment fund." "Oh, God." "And what exactly is your secret endowment fund?" "People buy places for their sons by offering us gifts." "That's how we run the kitchens." "You're implying that a major British institution, a major college, is accepting money in return for university places?" "Right." "Yeah." "That's right." "What's wrong with that, eh?" "Why can't people spend their money the way they like?" "That's the British way." "It's the same with degrees, you know." "You can buy them, too." "I've fixed that." " You'd remember that, eh?" " l don't know what you're talking about." "I'm afraid there, we really must leave it." "Stand by, VT, we're taking the break earlier than planned." " That's all we've got time for." " l've got a list, all their names." " A lot of famous people." " After the break..." " Are our underground trains clean?" " Here it is." "Another major British institution..." "That is ruddy marvellous, that is!" "I've got a hole in my picture now!" "Get down here and stop this." "Get him out of the studio." "Get Brian for me now." "Get Brian now!" "Otherwise this programme may not continue after the break." "Extraordinary." "Quite extraordinary." "So that's what they do in the television." "It was a disgrace." "We should never have cooperated." "And I expected far better of Skullion." "I think he showed a certain dignity." "That awful creature!" "He ruined nice Mr Carrington's programme." " l can't think why they had him on." " l can." " Still, it showed the Dean in a terrible light." " lt showed us all in a terrible light, Mary." "Your nice Mr Carrington deliberately make us look like idiots." "And as for Skullion!" "As for Skullion!" "Godber, careful." "Don't have a Porterhouse blue." "Anyone would think someone had done the damn man an injustice." "Anyone would see he was a dreadful oaf." "Never let him set foot in this college again." "He exposed our bankruptcy and he told the world we condoned the sale of degrees." " That's very wrong of you, Godber." " Dear God, I didn't condone it." "No, I'm just Master of the idiot college that did." "You'll have to resign again." "That, Mary, is the one thing I cannot do." "It would look like accepting responsibility." "No, as far as the world's concerned, I now am Porterhouse." "God help me." "He's somehow touched the authentic chord of English nostalgia." "He's become a kind of national hero." "I acquired some interesting information at dinner in Emmanuel last night." "Terrible place. I had some cutlets there once which disagreed with me." "That legacy Skullion offered college." "It's worth a great deal more than anyone might suppose." "About half a million pounds." "But one could hardly accept..." "What?" "Good God, it could have paid for the Tower." "Of course." "Now every college in Cambridge is after him." "Oh, Lord!" "I saw him last night when he returned." "All he wants is to come back to Porterhouse." "He's a loyal old stick, is Skullion." "What are you getting at, Dean?" "If College Council were to demand his reinstatement at this morning's emergency meeting... ..the Master would be in a totally impossible position." "Bull's-eye, Senior Tutor!" "Dives in omnia" "Gentlemen, I have called this meeting because we are again in crisis." "We cannot begin." "There's a woman present." "From now on, Lady Mary will attend all College Councils." "I find it impossible to run the college without her." "No Master had such a problem before." "No Master was married to me before." "Get on with it, Godber." "Thanks to the indiscretion that occurred on a recent television programme," "Mercantile Properties have withdrawn their offer for Rhyder Street, the University requires the reform of our entire admissions procedure, we are castigated in the press, the college has been brought into disrepute." " We all know who is responsible." " l had assumed the Master is responsible." "The first admission of that kind I've had from you, Dean." "Very well. lf l am, I demand we issue a statement disclaiming the past, announcing new admission procedures and stating our plans for total reform." "Which are, I take it, accepting scholars, women and self-service, building Lady Mary Hall..." "And installing a contraceptive machine." "Does anyone have a better proposal?" "Yes, Master. I propose we issue a statement rescinding the dismissal of Skullion, and the Bursar's scheme." " Hear, hear." " lt's out of the question, Godber." "It's out of the question, Senior Tutor." "This is a man who offered his life savings to the college." "This is the man who put our reputation in jeopardy in the first place." "He told the world we sell degrees." "If he returned, he would doubtless withdraw the allegations." "Skullion has his faults, but above all, he's loyal." " (All) True, true, true." " He was speaking no more than the truth." "Then why do you object to his reinstatement?" "Shall we persecute a man for telling the truth?" "May I ask we put it to the vote?" "That is the proper course under college statutes." " Godber, you're the Master." " Precisely." "I too have consulted college statutes, and I find that, as the Dean said, the Master is fully responsible for everything that happens in the college." "Exactly, Master." "Right. I intend herewith fully to accept that responsibility." "Senior Tutor, I relieve you of the task of admissions." "I will select all freshmen, or rather, freshpersons, myself." "Bursar, I relieve you of the duty of selecting and dismissing servants." "I will do that, too, and in no circumstances will I reinstate Skullion." "This is a gross usurpation of our prerogative." "You can't do this, Master." "Dean, as expert on our traditions, am I not reclaiming an ancient authority?" "Master, reluctantly, I must acknowledge that you are." "Good, because I haven't finished yet." "Gentlemen, this council has treated the college as its private property." "It is not your rotten borough, but a public institution with public responsibilities." "You have failed in them, and I therefore dissolve you." "You will be replaced by a staff-student council, chaired by me and my wife." "Bursar, you alone will represent the fellows." " Now go." "You are all dismissed." " (All) Dismissed?" "Jolly good, Godber." "That's the stuff I married you for." "Porterhouse, Porterhouse" "How's retirement, then, Mr Skullion?" "How was London?" "We all watched you on TV." "You was wonderful, Mr Skullion." "That told 'em, eh?" "What happened at Council, Walter?" "Well, Mr Skullion, all the fellows wanted you back." "But the Master abolished the council altogether." "He can't do that." "College Council goes back 250 years, Walter." "Took on ancient powers, you see." "Even Dean said it was proper under statutes." "That's it, then." "Mastered." "He's..." "He's won." "Porterhouse" "Let me get you a drink?" "Your usual?" "Porterhouse" "To live and die in Porterhouse" "Dives in omnia" "Only three of us tonight?" "Yes, sir." "No-one seems to have the appetite." "All skulking in their tents." "They know it's the end of things." "It's totally monstrous." "He's taken absolute power." "The man's appalling, but one cannot withhold a sneaking admiration." "Once again, he's hoist us with our own petard." "According to the tradition we cherish, he's entirely in the right." " There's nothing more we can do?" " Nothing." "Except resign ourselves to a future of unisex louts in boiler suits, studying vitamins and sociology." "Or else, resign ourselves." " Unless, of course..." " Unless?" "I was merely reflecting on the record of Sir Godber's administration." "Two deaths, destruction of an ancient monument, national scandal over admissions, charges of corruption, financial and sexual chicanery and greed of rule." "lnnumerable letters in the press supporting the stand of our dismissed Head Porter." "I would not call his position secure." "Indeed, one small nudge..." "A nudge?" "From whom?" "Arthur, go and do something else." "You remember Skullion mentioned his Scholars on television?" "That?" "Yes, indeed." "I got the list of names off Skullion yesterday." "80 or so names, some extraordinarily notable." " Senior Tutor, shall we go to a party?" " ln my present gloomy mood, I... lt's Sir Cathcart's birthday." "A lot of very eminent Old Porterhousians are coming down, most distinguished people." "(Paper rustling)" "At this rate, poor Messmer will never finish his book." "I'm a trifle apprehensive." "I know absolutely no one." "You may not know them, but I can assure you many of them remember you." "We're in the presence of some of our most distinguished alumni." "Oh!" "Good evening." "Could you tell Sir Cathcart the Dean of Porterhouse would like to see him urgently?" "You will explain this is urgent national business?" "(Stereo) Breaking all the young girls' hearts" "Never counting, never wondering what they say" "Breaking all the young girls' hearts" "Never minding what they say" "Breaking all the young girls' hearts" "Never counting, never wondering what they say" "I never thought Cathcart knew so many gay young things." "I must say, this is quite an insight into the high life." "One had heard rumours of strange goings-on at Coft Castle, but..." "Cathcart?" "It is you, is it, Cathcart?" "You can't come to my party dressed like that." "This call isn't entirely social." "Things in College have reached a crisis." "The Master has assumed absolute powers." "Good God, man!" "Not tonight." "Shouldn't have got yourselves stuck with the poncing arse!" "I can think of no better night, Cathcart." "There must be an awful lot of these people here." "Skullion's list?" "Put that away, man." "Don't you know how dangerous that is?" "Exactly. lt seems a large part of the British establishment had a most unusual educational career." "Always wondered about your First, Cathcart." "Well, paid a bit more and got myself a brilliant man." "Treat yourself to the best, I always say." "Out there must be a number of people close to the PM." "At least two cabinet ministers and several permanent secretaries." "At least." "If they were to discover their names on this list, I am sure they would be anxious to persuade the Prime Minister of Sir Godber's unsuitability." "Good God, man!" "You never give up, do you?" "Well, you're not going in there dressed like that." "Spoil my bash!" "Figgis, get 'em some costumes." "You left in the nick of time, I reckon." "Now he says he wants a woman porter." "We'd all go if we could afford it." "Oh, I can afford it, Walter. I can afford it." "Chance to live a bit, Mr Skullion." "Tried that, Walter." "Went to London. lt's all right for one night, but the beds are too soft, the carpets are too thick, the water's too hot." "And what's more, their beer is piss." "The world's your oyster, Mr Skullion." "I've had enough of oysters, Walter." "I just want my old job back." "Are you all right, Mr Skullion?" "Yeah." "See the pig over there in the diapers?" "Member of the Cabinet." "And the bull over there, with the ring through his nose, former Governor of the Bank of England." " l must have taught most of these people." " Yes." "Well, they're big boys now." "Very big." "You should have no trouble at all getting rid of old Godber." "I hear the PM is still looking for a new Governor for the Falkland lslands." "As long as there's a social problem or two for Lady Mary." "Come along, Figgis." "Stir your fetlocks." "Member of the Cabinet." "Governor of the Bank of England." "I'm raring to go with you" "Do say that you want me to" "Now that I've come around, don't let me down I'm ready, ready to go with you" "Do say that you want me to" "Now that I've come around" "Don't let me down I'm ready, ready to go with you" "Do say that you want me to" "Now that I've come around" "Don't let me down" "(Knock at door)" " Who's there?" " Head Porter, sir." "Skullion." "What do you mean?" "Your employment has been terminated." "So Bursar said, sir." "I'd like to hear it from you, sir." "The Bursar has explained the situation fully." "I'd like a word, sir. I think after 45 years in the college, I deserve a word." " Oh, very well, man." "Come in." " Thank you, sir." "This college has been my life, sir." "My whole life." "Do you realise that?" "It's meant everything to me, sir." "Well, it certainly didn't sound so on television last week." " Well, come in." " l spoke my mind, sir." "I thought I had a right, being fired after 45 years." "I know, Mr Skullion." "Skullion... sir." "When I was a boy we used to go and stand by the Catholic church and wait for the new gentlemen to come out in the cabs from the station." "And we used to jump out and yell, "Carry your bags, sir?"" "And we used to run beside the horses, all the way here." "That's how I started, 45 years ago, running a mile and then carrying their trunks in for sixpence." "You've had a useful life, Skullion." "But that was your day and now it's over." "I gather you've a decent legacy." "I suggest you make up your mind to enjoy your retirement." "You heard about my legacy, then, sir?" "How I offered it to the college?" "We could hardly take your hard-won savings." "Not even if I offered it again, sir?" "Don't be absurd, man!" " l think you'd better go." " Have you any idea what they're worth?" " No." "Now get out, Skullion, before I..." " ..call the porter?" "Have a look, sir." "They're all in there, go on!" " Skullion!" " Shares worth half a million pounds." "That's what that slimy sod the Bursar turned down." "That would have saved the college." "You could have bought the scholars, paid for Lady Whatsit's Hall." "Don't you want it?" "I don't want it. I just want my job back, sir." "I just want my porter's job back." "Oh!" "Master, I'm sorry. I..." "I'm..." "(Rings)" "Hello." "Samaritans." "Can we help?" "(Distressed panting)" "Who are you?" "What are you doing?" " (Heavy breathing)" " Don't be disgusting." "Help." "Help." "Help me." "That's what we're here for." "But we really cannot do much if people don't speak up." "Help me, Mary. I have fallen." "Ah, you're a Catholic." "Well, however you fell, we all make mistakes, remember." "Even I do." "You must pull yourself together." "It's your duty." "It..." "It's Godber." "Then don't be so silly, Godber!" "I can't take personal calls when I should be helping people in trouble." "That, I take it, is what they mean by a thrash." "Certainly that is what they were doing at the end." "It was also very useful." "That seems to have cooked a certain goose for good." "Cathcart really does know some very highly placed people." "One recognised a thigh or two from most exalted circles." " (Wheezing) Please..." " Wasn't that a princess that we..." " Please." " What was that?" "Dean..." " There's a drunk over there." " Perhaps you'd better put him on report." "Dean..." " Good grief!" " Heavens, it's the Master." "Perhaps he's been celebrating." "(Wheezing) I... I'm...not drunk." "Listen." "Listen." " Skull..." " Skull?" " (Weakly) No, not skull." " Not skull?" "Skullion..." " The porter?" " Skullion?" "Yes..." "Yes..." "Skullion..." "Understand?" "Oh. I'll take this, Master, if you don't..." "Skullion?" " l think he's dead, Dean." " Good Lord!" "I'm sure he's there." "There's a light." "Skullion, open this door at once, do you hear?" "It's the Dean." "Skullion, we must talk." "This is going to be a big shock." " l know, sir." " The Master died this evening." "The Senior Tutor and I found him dying in the quad." " The quad, sir?" " The place is immaterial." " What matters..." " Seven Masters I've served." "He was the worst, but I never meant him any harm, sir." "But you know the law as well as we do." " Yes, sir." " We have no alternative." "According to ancient precedent, a dying master's words uttered in the presence of two or more fellows" " constitutes..." " ..an unalterable decision." "Thank heavens we don't have to go to the Prime Minister." "The choice is singular, but there have been precedents." " Sir Thomas Willings." " Exactly." "Thomas Willings the pastry cook, in the 18th century." "I have assumed the office of Acting Master." "College Council is gathering." "I must tell them your decision." "I take it you accept to be Master of Porterhouse?" "Splendid, Master!" "Let me be the first to congratulate you." "Congratulations, Skullion." "I trust that this will mean a return to the good old ways." "Poor man." "He's most upset, virtually speechless." "The shock must have been enormous." "I can hardly get over it myself." "Well, we'll hear no more of reform and women now." " Or contraceptive machines." " Exactly." "A Master who really understands the old ways." "What luck, eh, Senior Tutor?" "A real stroke of luck." "A Porterhouse..." "Blue." "Salutamus magistrum" "Dominum mirabile" "Celebramus, celebramus" "Splendide institutum" "(Rod strikes floor twice)" "Celebramus, celebramus" "Bene ludere, bene vivere" "Bene bibere est praesentum" "Omnes, omnes, da mihi" "Omnes scholastici" "Consecramus nostras horas" "Splendidam per titulam" "Here's to an excellent year, Master." "The roast swan is, I believe, better than ever." "Porterhouse is Head of the River once more." "The restoration of the Tower is finished." "Dr Messmer has completed his book." "He's taking the manuscript on the train to London tomorrow." "Here's to Lord Wurford's legacy!" "Long may it last!" "And here's to the chef!" "He's done wonders again." "(Grunts)" "Tell..." "Cheffy... ..very...fine...feast." "Yes, Mr Skullion." "Here's to the Master." "He may not have been born with a silver spoon in his mouth, but by God, he'll die with one!" "Yes... (Gurgling laugh)" "Porterhouse!" "Porterhouse!" "To live and die in Porterhouse!" "Dives in omnia" "Porterhouse, in Porterhouse" "Dives in omnia" "Bene edamus" "Bene bibamus" "Epulas semper concelebramus" "Quod imperat regina" "Nil impediat doctrina" "Sed choro sonoro" "Dives in omnia" "Sed choro sonoro" "Dives in omnia" "Collegium, Collegium acclamus" "Porterhouse!" "Porterhouse!" "To live and die in Porterhouse!" "Dives in omnia" "Porterhouse, in Porterhouse" "Dives in omnia"