"[all chanting] Battle!" "Battle!" "[hip-hop music]" " Los Angeles is where the roast battle was born, and tonight, it's where our preliminary search ends." " One more time:" "let's roast!" " As the best battlers in L.A. continue to trade blows in front of our judges:" "Sebastian Maniscalco," "Metta World Peace, and Chris D'Elia..." " [laughing] Oh!" " For one last shot to make it to the big dance." "And tonight we reveal which of our roasters will compete in the finals, kicking off on January 26th." " I got your ass!" " This is the final night of the L.A. regionals." "It's "Roast Battle II."" "[cheers and applause]" " Who came to get verbally violent?" "[cheers and applause]" "What up, Wave?" "[crowd cheering]" "Haters?" " Whoo." " First guy I'm bringing to the stage, from Sutter County, California, was the staff on the "Chelsea Lately" show, works on "The Mindy Project," everybody, please make it loud for Guy Branum." "[cheers and applause] [upbeat electronic music]" " I'm mostly about just sort of delivering my jokes as best I can and being icily cruel to the person involved." "What's important to understand is I don't give a shit about any of you." " I mean, this guy--this is like the guy you have to defeat before you get to the final boss in the video game." "[laughter]" " Right?" "King Hippo." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." " Chris, Chris D'Elia, huge fan." "What does Whitney Cummings' dick taste like?" " [laughing] Oh!" "[laughter] [cheers and applause]" "All confidence." "I love it." " Damn." "I don't know if I can fucking bring up this next guy 'cause I'm so hard right now." "Uh... [laughter]" "Artest, you still-- you still super horny?" " No." "[laughter]" " Yo, super excited." "This next cat from Compton, California." "He's been in the "Keanu" movie." "You know him from The Wave." "Everybody, Jamar Neighbors!" "[cheers and applause] [dramatic hip-hop music]" "♪" " I'ma fuck this fat nigga up." "Interview over." "[laughter]" "♪ [cheers and applause]" "♪" "[all chanting] Battle!" "Battle!" "Battle!" " Hey!" " Hey, I guess we know who the final boss is." "[laughter]" " Nigga, I brought the whole motherfucking hood with me!" "[cheers and applause]" "Shit." " This is like "Philadelphia" against "Roots."" "[laughter]" " Guy, somebody told me you have a picture of Jamar naked on your phone." "Is that true?" " All fat white women in Los Angeles have a photo of Jamar Neighbors on their phone." "[cheers and applause]" " Oh, shit." "Uh-oh." "[cheers and applause]" " What the" " Oh!" " Go flex." " Damn!" "[cheers and applause] [sensual music]" " Get up!" "Go, go!" "[laughter]" "♪" " Security, get Venus Williams off the stage." " Smells like Astroglide and cocoa butter up here." "Shit." " What the fuck is going on?" "It's gonna be a great battle." " Yeah, it's Chippendales in this motherfucker." "All right." "Prop. 8, Section 8, are we ready?" "[cheers and applause]" "First move!" "[bell dinging]" " Guy... [woman laughing]" "You like a Jeff Ross beanbag chair." "[laughter, cheers and applause] [organ music playing]" "♪" " Jamar, you're so hot, but you're so ghetto and uneducated, I never know whether I should fuck you or try to teach you Shakespeare through hip-hop." "[laughter] [gun clicks, gunshot]" " Guy, you too fat to be trying to ride dick, my nigga." "[laughter]" "This nigga's so gay he only came out the closet so his daddy would spank him." "[crowd exclaiming]" " [laughs] [crowd yelling]" " [yelling] [laughter]" " Jamar, at least my father waited for me to come out of the closet to reject me." "[crowd exclaiming]" "Jamar--Jamar grew up poor, but his mom did the best with what she had." "Unfortunately, what she had was crack cocaine." "He is very, very lucky that you cannot pay for an abortion with an EBT card." "[crowd exclaims]" " Guy, you look like a malignant whale tumor." " That's topical." " It's a sad shame." "You got all that blood and can't donate none of it." "[laughter]" " Thank you, Wave." "[laughter]" " Jamar's never met his dad, which makes a lot of sense." "Women rarely keep in touch with the guy who paid them two bologna sandwiches to fuck behind a dumpster." "[crowd exclaiming] [siren wailing]" " That's it." "That's gonna do it." "Guy Branum, Jamar Neighbors." "[cheers and applause] [laughs]" " I'm all up for presentation, and this--when they came out with the fans, I'm like, "How's he gonna top that?"" "And then he brought his neighborhood." "[laughter] [applause]" "[all exclaim]" " Thank you, Wave." " You did great, Guy, but I gotta give it to Jamar and his neighborhood." "[cheers and applause]" " I thought when you first came out, like, it was over." "I didn't realize you was going up against Jamal." "I seen Jamal before." "He's very, very risky, and, um... [laughter]" "I've seen him before." "I was actually scared, and then the comebacks was amazing." "I gotta go with Guy." "[cheers and applause]" " Yeah." " Uh-oh." " [speaks indistinctly]" " That's the first time a black guy's ever voted for a gay person." "All right." "D'Elia." " You both seemed very confident." "I--I think personally it's tough, but I gotta go with Jamar." "I mean, that fucking beanbag chair joke, man." "[cheers and applause]" " It all comes down to you, Jeffrey." "Who do you like?" " As always, Guy, your jokes are so, so well-written." "The Shakespeare through hip-hop joke, so funny." " That was a good one, yeah." " You're really becoming just a great comic and a super funny guy." "However, I think we all know tonight was Jamar's night." "You killed it, buddy." "[cheers and applause]" " Love ya." "[hip-hop music] [laughter]" "♪" " Damn." "[crowd cheering]" "Hey!" " Nigga, my mama watching this!" "It was fucking fantastic." "I was afraid, I'm not gonna lie." " Oh, a gay guy didn't win when it was an all-straight-guy judging panel." "Surprise, surprise." " Yeah, I feel that." " Nah, he had a stronger night." "Gimme a kiss." " All right, man." "My mama watching this." "Mama, I swear to God." "[laughs]" " You really put the "meanie" in Armenian tonight." " You wanna go?" " What the fuck, hater?" " Security, we got a black guy pulling out his dick." "♪ [hip-hop music]" " Your next battlers:" "from Garden Grove, California, she's transsexual, and just for your information, can use any fucking bathroom she wants." "Everybody, Robin Tran!" "[cheers and applause]" " I'm just gonna be as mean as I can." "I like to go really personal." "Like, what is the thing they're insecure about where they'll laugh and then they'll go home and they'll feel really bad about it forever?" "[upbeat dance music]" " I feel like Bobby Lee played you in "MADtv."" " Yeah." "[laughter]" " He was a staff writer on "Any Given Wednesday"" "before it got cancelled." "[laughter]" "And he's gonna have a baby!" "Everybody, Pat Barker." "[cheers and applause]" " Robin is an evil, evil person." "I expect her to say absolutely horrific, awful shit about me and my family and my loved ones." " Let's do it!" "Trans, trans fat." "Are we ready?" "[cheers and applause]" "Whatever." "Let's roast!" "[bell dinging]" " Roast him!" " Pat just lost his job at HBO writing for Bill Simmons." "You finally got an hour from HBO and it was to clean out your desk." "[crowd exclaiming] [air horn blowing] [quirky music]" "♪" " What the fuck?" "[laughter]" " I--I gotta be honest." "That one hurts." "It's emotional when something so close to you just gets cut." "You'll understand someday." "[crowd groaning]" "Speaking of--speaking of, Robin really wants a sex change, and I really hope that it happens for her." "It'll give President Trump something to grab to throw her out of the country." "[crowd yelling]" " Security, security, we've got a black guy pulling out his dick." "[laughter]" " Pat's wife had a miscarriage for the same reason that Bill Simmons was cancelled:" "because neither of them could deliver Pat's lousy material." "[crowd groaning]" " It's true, my wife had a miscarriage four weeks into her pregnancy, which means I'm just like Robin's father, because neither of us will ever know if our kid was a boy or a girl." "[crowd yelling]" " Pat, you-- you Popeye-looking fuck." "Your--your whole life is like a sad cartoon." "♪ He's Patrick the failure man ♪" "♪ His kid's in a garbage can ♪ [low laughter]" "♪ His hairline's receding ♪" "♪ His dad's heart stopped beating ♪" "♪ He's Patrick the failure man ♪ [low laughter]" " Bars." " Boo." "All right." " Bars." " I went for it." " Bars!" " I went for it." " Is that on iTunes?" " Yeah." "[laughter]" " No, seriously, that was a hell of an effort," "Kim Jong-un-fuck-able." "[crowd groans]" "Guys, Mike Pence wants to ban gay marriage, but Robin is suicidal, so she'll end up tying the knot one way or another." "[crowd exclaiming] [alarm blaring] [laughter] [bell dinging]" " That's it!" "Robin Tran, Pat Barker." "Patrick Barker." " Patrick." " Patthew?" "I don't know" " Patrick the failure man." " You're fine." " [laughs]" " Wow." " Jeffrey." " Pat, you fucking had some killer comebacks, and I've never seen you this confident." "You're just fucking out there tonight." " I'm having fun, man." "This is fucking great." " I think in the beginning, Robin, you were taking it, but I gotta say, Pat, you just kept it cool and steady." "I mean, it was like a bam, bam, bam, bam." "I don't know." "I can--it's really tough." "Uh-- [sighs]" "Fuck." " Well, I think I was" "I had to go with Robin." "I'll tell you why." "For me, I'm, like, judging off the jokes instead of the comebacks." " Mm-hmm." " I feel he had two great comebacks" " He did." " But I have to go with Robin." " I love the one hour HBO, clean out the desk." "That really piqued my interest, and..." " [laughs]" " But then again, Pat came back with some fantastic jokes." "The Trump was killer." "I tell you where it dipped a little for me:" "with the song Robin did." "I thought I was gonna get a little bit more meat out of that, and..." " Yeah, so did I." " That's so fucking Italian." "[laughter] [in Italian accent] I thought there'd be more meat!" "[mumbling]" "Little more meat, maybe I go--ahh." "I go with him." "[laughter]" " But I'd have to give it to Pat." "[applause]" " All right." "We're tied up." "One Robin, one Pat." " I--I gotta go with Pat just 'cause of the consistency." " Thank you." " I gotta go with Pat." "[applause]" "It hurts me, but I gotta go with Pat." " Thank you." " All right." "Two-one, Pat." " Pat Barker, you fucking won tonight." "Congratulations." " Thank you." " Pat Barker!" "Hug each other." "Thank you." " Would I battle Robin again?" "I would not." "You devote way too much of your time to thinking about that person and every shitty mean thing, and, like, I like Robin." " You know, you kind of root for them to have vices." "I mean, you're like, "Hey, so do you have drinking problems?"" "What--you know?" "He's like, "No."" "And I'm like, "Oh, actually, you're a good dude."" " [laughs]" " I hope" " Next time hopefully I have a drug problem" " Thank you, Pat." " And she can have more material." " That means so much to me that you would do that for me." " [laughs]" " Last battle of the evening!" "This lady coming to the stage is from Oklahoma." "She's a school teacher." "She's not a stranger to this right here." "She's one of the best!" "Leah Kayajanian." "[cheers and applause]" " So with Connor, I actually battled him before." "Connor, you're gonna call me a bird again, but I'm gonna win it by a nose with this nose." " This next guy, he's from Chino, California." "He's the funniest person in Ventura." "I don't know what that means." "[laughs]" "But he's here for you right now." "Connor McSpadden!" "[cheers and applause]" " For battle prep, I just make a big list of everything about that person and I try to find how I can sharpen it into a jailhouse shiv and use it to hurt them." " Connor!" " Yeah, what's up, man?" " You're bisexual." "Would you let The Wave smash?" " Absolutely." "[all yell] [laughter]" " True." " You know what?" "Leah, you look fucking fierce right now." "You look ready." " Good." "I am ready." " Shit!" " You want to go?" "No." "[laughter]" " Everybody, let's break this motherfucker." "Battle!" "Battle!" "[all chanting] Battle!" "Battle!" " Let's roast!" "[bell dinging]" " Leah's old enough to be my mom and hot enough to be my dad." "[laughter]" " Yeah!" "[punch landing] [applause, laughter]" " You like Macaulay Culkin was left home alone for, like, 20 more years." "[laughter]" " Ho-ho!" "Yeah!" " Leah's tits are actually Ds, but only if you grade them." "[crowd exclaiming]" " Connor let a woman sodomize him with a strap-on 'cause it's easier for him to take it in the ass than to look a woman in the eyes." "[crowd groaning]" " Last joke!" " Leah's always wanted to use a strap-on but her dick keeps getting in the way." "[crowd yelling] [air horns blowing]" " Connor's 11 years younger than me." "That means when I was turning 21, he was getting molested." "[crowd yelling] [applause]" " You got molested, you bitch!" "[laughter] [bell dinging]" " Everybody, that was it!" "Leah, Connor!" "[cheers and applause]" " Fuck!" " Right?" " Whoo!" "Super confident, too, both of you." "Confident." " Yeah." " You're fucking extra cocky tonight, dude." " [laughs]" " I feel like when I'm going into a game, sometimes I get nervous, and this whole night's been great." "The competition, you can see the competition on everybody's face." " Yep." " I get nervous picking." "Like, I'm having a great time, but I really get nervous picking." "But I have to go with... with Connor today." "I feel like he had some really good jokes tonight." " I thought that guy in the stands had it coming." " Yeah, thank you." "Appreciate that." "Two--two points for you." "[laughter]" " When Metta talks, it's like reading a "Choose Your Own Adventure" book." "[laughter]" "They--they were both really funny." "I" " Yeah!" " I hate being--I wanna dog one of you, but it just... you guys were both really funny." " You don't have to-- if you can't-- if you can't decide, you don't have to vote." " It's honestly really hard, you guys." " He's white." "He can vote." " You can write in Bernie." "[laughter]" " Love the Ds and the strap-on joke, Connor." " Yeah, those were great." " Love the "Home Alone."" "I'm giving it to Connor." "[cheers and applause]" " It's two for Connor." " All right." "[applause]" "I've been swayed." "I--yeah." "That--that strap-on joke was really fucking funny." "Connor." "I give it to Connor." "[cheers and applause]" " Be proud, Leah." "You really put the "meanie" in Armenian tonight." "[laughter]" "But it sounds like-- - [laughing]" " That's pretty good, no?" " That's good." "It's good." " I thought about that for hours today." "[laughter] [all chanting] Roast master!" "Roast master!" "Roast master!" "Roast master!" " Oh." "Thanks, Wave." "[all exclaim] [laughter]" " Oh, you know what?" " That joke should be in the genocide." " A super, super, super fun night." "Great crowd all night." "The final battle of the night." "Connor, congratulations." " Everybody!" "[cheers and applause]" "Connor McSpadden." "Hug each other!" " We battled once before..." " Yeah." " And as soon as we got offstage I said," ""Let's never battle again."" " And I was like, "Agreed."" " Unless Comedy Central wants me to, and in which case" "I think it's an outstanding idea, and I'd love to do it any time." " Oh, my God." "[hip-hop music]" "This is the greatest night ever!" " We searched Atlanta, New York, Denver, and Los Angeles, and finally we announce the 16 roasters who are heading to the four-night finale next." "♪ [hip-hop music]" " Great show, everybody, but right now we want to announce the finalists for "Roast Battle II."" "Are you ready?" " Yes." ""War of the Words!"" " We saw battlers in Atlanta, Denver, New York, and Los Angeles." "Are you ready to find out?" "Some of them are in the room right now." "[cheers and applause]" "We have the sweet 16 going to the finals." "Who's the first one, Brian?" " We'll start with the New York people." "From New York, you got Yamaneika Saunders." " Yeah!" " J.P. is from Newtown, Connecticut, where the Sandy Hook tragedy happened, and the worst thing to happen to that town is that he wasn't seven years old at the time of the shooting." " Also for the New York regionals," "Mr. Scott Chaplain, everybody." " Yeah!" " Before Netflix existed, "Making a Murderer"" "was just Eli's parents' called fucking." " The beast from the East, Zac Amico is going to the finals." " Yeah!" " The only recipe Evan's mother ever left him was her toxicology report after she OD'd." "[crowd exclaiming]" " Also from the New York regionals, very funny dude," "Evan Williams." "Give it up for him." " Zac recently did a show at a nudist colony." "Well, it was a nudist colony." "Now it's a PTSD support group." "[laughter]" " From the Midwest regional in Denver," "Jay Light is going to the finals." " I'm really excited to beat up a black guy." "I'll finally make the front page of "Worldstar."" " Also from the L.A. regionals right here, homegrown, Leah Kayajanian." " You look like Macaulay Culkin was left home alone for, like, 20 more years." " Another badass, Mr. Joe Dosch is going to the finals." " Alex is so ugly when he goes to a glory hole, the guy on the other side wants to just be friends." " Our next guy, I don't think he deserves it, but I got over-voted, so fuck it." "Alex Hooper, everybody." " Joe looks like he would order soup at a sports bar." " From Orange County-- he's as round as an orange" "Keith Carey's going to the finals." " Anna's just jealous because my body is shaped like the eggs she can no longer produce." " Another L.A. favorite, one of my favorites," "Anna Valenzuela's here tonight." "Take a bow, Anna." " Keith just thinks I'm old 'cause I'm four years past his life expectancy." "[laughter]" " Also from L.A., he works right here at The Comedy Store," "Frank Castillo is going to the finals." " Greg's Mexican family doesn't get along with his new girlfriend because they all pick fruit and she picked a vegetable." " One more time, we're gonna bring back the great Olivia Grace, everybody." " Leah's brother killed himself, which explains why her tits are always at half-mast." " Also just had a half hour on Comedy Central, the very handsome Mr. Matthew Broussard is in the finals!" " Fun fact: the elevator scene from "The Shining"" "was actually based on the last time he tried to floss." "[laughter]" " Very awesome, very hilarious, Emmy-winning writer" "Mr. Kurt Metzger is in the competition." " Ooh." "She's sharp, she's loud, she's the headliner from New York," "Jessica Kirson is going to the finals." " This next comedian has been busting my balls my entire career." "Now he thinks he has what it takes to enter my roast battle arena:" "the great, legendary comedian Mr. Todd Barry is in the ring!" "Yeah." "That is our sweet 16!" "The tournament starts January 26th on Comedy Central." ""War of the Words!"" " I wanna thank The Wave!" "Thank you, Wave!" "[cheers and applause]" "Chris D'Elia." "Thank you, Sebastian." "Metta World Peace!" "Thank you, Coach Tea." "Thank you, Saudi Prince, Earl Skakel." "Thank you, Jeffrey Ross." " Love you, buddy." "[cheers and applause]" "Good night, everybody." " We'll see you Thursday!" "Battle!" "Battle!" "[all chanting] Battle!" "Battle!" "Battle!" "Battle!" " The brackets are set and it's about to go down." " What's up, roast fans?" " Our epic, four-night tournament to crown the best roaster in the universe starts this Thursday, January 26th with judges the hilarious Anthony Jeselnik and my man Snoop Dogg." "It's "Roast Battle II:" "War of the Words."" "[all chanting] Battle!" "Battle!" "Battle!" "Battle!" "Battle!" "Battle!" "[all chanting] Battle!" "Battle!" "Battle!" "Battle!" "Battle!" "Battle!" "Battle!" "Battle!" "Battle!" "Battle!" "Battle!" "Battle!" "Battle!" "Battle!" "Battle!" "Battle!"