"Very good..." "Good day, nice to see you." "OK?" "Ladies and gentlemen, can I have your attention for one moment, please?" "If you'd all be kind enough to take your seats, we can get started as quickly as possible." "Splendid." "Yes, come along." "Do bring your drinks, then we can get going." "Right." "Good afternoon, and welcome to the Donald Lynch Memorial Appeal charity auction." "I'd just like to say very few words before we start about the appeal in case some of you don't know." "It was started two years ago by Mrs. Lynch... (Applause) ...in memory of her late husband Donald." "Up to date, the appeal has raised over £100,000." "So, without more ado, I'll hand you over now to Lovejoy, your auctioneer this afternoon." "Hopefully, like Robin Hood, he's going to relieve you of all that beautiful cash you've brought." "Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen." "Now, in addition to what Mr. Winkley was saying... we take all major credits cards and I.O.U.s." "It's your money I'm after." "In fact, I'll take any money but matri-money." "Now, the first item on the agenda today is..." "Aha!" "A fine example of 19th century leatherwork." "Over to Mr. Dill to explain." "To wit, one single, solitary, I might say sole, riding boot." "Once the proud possession of the notorious one-legged Marchioness of Keystar..." " Caistor." "...of Caistor... alleged mistress of George IV, and winner of the Tiverton..." " Kiverton!" " Kiverton Steeplechase Cup on no more than five separate occasions." "Thank you very much, Mr. Dill." "So, shall we start the bidding at, shall we say, 100 guineas?" "Do I hear 100 guineas, please?" "Thank you, sir, the bid is with you." "100 guineas I'm bid." "Now do I hear 150?" "Am I bid 150?" "Thank you, the bid is with you at 150." "150 guineas." "Now you know I'm looking for two, don't you?" "I'm looking for 200 guineas." "200 guineas, ladies and gentlemen, that's due cente in Italian, deux cents in Français." "Do I hear 200 out there?" "I'll make that 200." "200 guineas I'm bid." "Now, 250." "That's what I'm looking for." "250 guineas anybody?" "Thank you, sir. 250 guineas." "Now do I hear three?" "You know I'm going for three." "As the old Marchioness would have said, around and round she goes, waving her wooden leg, where she stops, nobody knows!" "(Chuckling)" "Actually, Lovejoy!" "Damn cheek!" "100 guineas for this bloody awful milk jug from Blackpool." "A Goss milk jug from Blackpool." "If you didn't want it, you shouldn't have bid." "I wasn't bidding, I was waving." "That's bidding in my book." "I was signaling, damn you." "The Colonel was bidding!" "Go on, take it." "You have it back." "I don't want the money." "Can't stand the bloody jug!" "Blackpool!" "Lovejoy, you were absolutely fantastic." "Do you know how much money you raised?" " Yeah, but tell me again." " Oh... £28,200!" " Amazing, isn't it?" " Wonderful!" "Come here, I want you to meet an old friend of the family's." "Lovejoy, Harry Catapodis." " Pleased to make your acquaintance." " It's nice to meet you." "That was quite a show you put on." "You had them eating out of your hand." "Were you a snake oil salesman in a previous life, by any chance?" "Sold encyclopedias." "(Laughs) Well, you could knock the spots off some of the auctioneers we have in New York." "What do you think, Cass?" "Sure." "And the look on your face when you nearly became the proud owner of a stuffed owl." " I never knocked anything down to you, did I?" " That's right but in praise of you," "I'm going to make a generous donation." "And don't forget that it was me that took the Hockney up to four and a half grand." "I almost bought it myself." "Excuse me, I must say goodbye to Lady Deacon." "I'm sure you have lots to talk about." "I'm sure we do." "You are the Harry Catapodis of Catapodis, Madison Avenue, aren't you?" "Yep. (Imitates trumpet fanfare) That's me." "Cass tells me that you have a fair-sized piece of the action over here." "Well, Cass exaggerates a little." "You got anything that might interest me?" "Goss milk jug from Blackpool?" "I saw you sell that. (Chuckles)" "Ah, how do you know Cassandra?" "Oh, she outbid for a wheelback chair at a local sale room." " How do you?" " Oh, we go back years." "I sold Donald some pictures." "That Stubbs over there, that's one of mine and the Dutch canalscapes in Cass' bedroom." " Have you seen it?" " No, I haven't." " And did you know him?" " Who?" " Uh, Donald..." " Oh, no." "Never met him." "He was a great guy." "It's a real tragedy, him being whacked on the head by some horse like that." "Excuse me. (Coughs)" "Waiter." "Harry." "I hope you don't catch this." "Thank you." "Ah, that's better." "That's Moscow for you." "I flew in yesterday." "What were you doing there?" "Lovejoy, Moscow is the last great art market in the world." "A whole lake full of stuff that's been dammed up for over 70 years." "Come here." " Excuse me." " Yes." "Yes, Eric, yes." "Come on, you promised to get that stuff back 5:30." "Well, take this." "Oh, Eric, and Tinker, this is Mr. Catapodis." " How lovely to meet you boys." " Nice to meet you." " Right." "Sorry, Harry." " I was just saying, everyone's crazy for Russia." "It is going to be the dominant market in the 1990s, no doubt." "You know, uh..." "I just picked up one a half million dollars' worth of trinkets, which has to be worth three times that in the West." "If ever you come across anything that might interest me... you call me collect - got that?" " I got that." " Bye, Cass!" "Nice meeting you." "Nice meeting you, Harry." "Cass, I've got to go too." "Lovejoy, I can't thank you enough for everything." "The racing crowd aren't known for their benevolence but you squeezed them like lemons." "Well, it's my pleasure." "You never know, I might find myself wired into the mains one day." "I'm just paying my dues." "Let's call it insurance." "Oh, by the way, if you ever get any Lalique that you think might interest me, give us a tip." "You're not gonna believe this but I was offered a Lalique bowl the other day." "What I'll do, on my way back I'll pop in on this guy and see if he's still got it." "That'd be wonderful." "Please, come by for tea anytime." "Goodbye, Lovejoy." "Thank you." "That's a very winning smile, Lovejoy." "What did we get?" "We've had a nice tickle, haven't we?" "I can see it on your face." " How much did we get?" " Get?" "We didn't get anything." "Charity doesn't have a percentage." " What's the face for then?" " Ever heard of an emotion called happiness?" "The sensation you get when an attractive woman holds your hand and smiles at you." "You're out of your league, Lovejoy." "Besides, she's American." "Holding hands and smiling means nothing to an American." "Yes it does." "She's also a collector of Lalique and I told her that I'd been offered a nice little bowl the other day." "Bowl?" "That's a lie, we haven't seen a piece for months." "No Lalique about, Lovejoy." "Dr. Moss' wife used to collect." "When he popped off, she flogged the lot to Simon and went on a cruise to the Balearics." "We'll just have to find some, then." "I may even have to offer a cash reward." "(Both) Reward?" "!" "You?" "!" "Yeah, Philips had ten pieces in their auction last month, I wanna know who they went to." "Simon?" "Who is this bloody Simon?" "What, has he a got a fetish about this stuff?" "No, there's nothing round here, just a load of Italian copies." "Oh, that's right!" "Smash it up!" "Makes very good barbecue charcoal I hear." "I'll get back to you, Jack." "Take it easy with the stuff, fellas, will you?" "If they split, it'll be back next week." "Lovejoy, you wanted us to shift the stuff, we're shifting it." "Um, Eric..." "I've got to go to London tomorrow." "Erm, I just wondered if... if you still, um, had your credit cards." "You know, your Access, your Visa, your Platinum American Express." "I don't believe this." "You wanna borrow my credit card?" "Where's yours?" "I'm excused credit cards, Eric." "It's just for the day." "You know, sort of a fallback facility, just in case." "You know what I mean." "Oh, yeah." "I know what you mean." "But I haven't got it anymore." "My dad took it back." "And he says when you start paying me wages I can re-apply!" "I'm performing an essential public service by emplying you." "He should be paying me!" " From what I heard, he is." " Shut up!" "You wanna ride in Rollers?" "I wouldn't trust you to roll pastry." "You're only giving us flak because you're looking for a Lalique bowl for the glamorous American widow." "You're losing your reason." " Simon." " Yes." "Yes, sir." "Can I be of some assistance?" "You've got a few quids' worth of stuff here, Simon." "Oh, gosh, it's the white trash from the sticks." "What are you doing here, appearing at the Old Bailey?" "I came up for Christie's Renaissance furniture, actually." "Christie's sale?" "I heard you was bankrupt." "I heard you were punting out Italian fakes but I didn't set much store in that either." "You don't ticket anything in this shop." "Don't want the casual street trade, hm?" "Lovejoy, the punters who come in here don't need to ask the price." "All they say is, "I like, I'll take it, wrap it up."" " Not even please?" " Their money's polite enough." "Well, I like this." "I think I'll take it." "How much is it?" "400." "400?" "Simon, come off it, you and I both know it's not worth more than two and a half." "It doesn't matter to me if it's only worth two and half quid." "It's marked up at four C's and that's what it's going for." "Pity about that." "Could have found a nice home for it." "It's already got a nice home, thank you." "But Simon, I'm trade." "You should be so lucky." "If Lalique himself walked in, he wouldn't get it for less than four." " Two and a half." " Four." " 275." " Four." " Three." " Four." "(Sighs) Shame about that." "Well, we're living in times of roaring inflation, Lovejoy." " Guess who's feeding the flames." "See ya." " Sure I will." "Lovejoy!" "Hey, Lovejoy!" "It's so nice to see you again." " Harry!" " Were you at the Sotheby's sale?" "I came up for Christie's furniture actually." "I'd like you to meet Toshiro Tanaka." "Toshiro, this is Lovejoy." "You ought to get to know him, he's one of the best antique dealers in the whole of Europe." "Nissan Credit Bank." "I'm very pleased to meet you." "You have time to join us for a drink?" " I think I can manage that." " Good!" "Jump in." "(Porter) Good afternoon." " (Harry) Lovejoy." " Hm?" "You remember the story of the Emperor Hirohito's lost tea bowl, don't you?" "Jog my memory." "You must have heard of the satsuma tea bowl that Hirohito drank tea from." "Before announcing his divinity after the war." "Oh, that satsuma tea bowl!" "Of course, naturally." "Well, I've located it." "Well, good for you, Harry, that's terrific." "Problem is, you know how it is." "I got to get the owner to sell it to me." " Ah!" " This way, please." "Oh." "I was just explaining to Lovejoy that certified artifacts belonging to the late Emperor Hirohito" " are pretty hard to come by, wouldn't you say?" " Almost impossible." "And artifacts belonging to the emperor when he was a god..." "Totally impossible." "Lovejoy." "I want to show you something." "That is a statement, signed before the Miami Supreme Court, by the owner of the tea bowl, telling how he came by it." "That paper right there, Lovejoy, is the most valuable thing you have ever held in your hand." "Is it now?" "Obviously, I can't divulge its real value." "Neither can I let the documents out of my hand." "You understand that, Toshiro." "I only have it on loan." "So, what I'm going to ask Lovejoy to do - if you don't mind, that is - is to go over to over to reception and photocopy the document." "Then I would like you to check that the copy is true, sign it on the back to confirm it, and then give it to Mr. Tanaka here, and he can send it to his people in Tokyo." "Do you mind?" "Not at all." "Thank you, Anna." "Could you put these on Mr. Catapodis' bill, please?" "Yes, certainly, sir." "All right, gentlemen, here we are." "One original, one true and accurate copy." "Now, you'll have to excuse me, I have an appointment with my tailor." "Pleased to have met you, Mr. Lovejoy." "And you, Mr. Tanaka." "I'll see you out, Lovejoy." " Lovejoy." " Hm?" "Uh, thanks for that, Lovejoy." "You have to hold their hands every inch of the way." "They don't trust a living soul." " May I ask you a question?" " Go ahead." "How much is this bowl deal worth?" "Spare change." "How much spare change?" "Two million dollars." "See what you mean, Harry." "I have to get back." "It's good to see you again, Lovejoy." "And, uh, thank you." "I know, I know, Tinker's right." "Consider provenance." "Documented connections with historical figures or situations will sometimes give a massive boost to an otherwise trivial object." "Never mind that battered Victorian umbrella might be ready for the rubbish, as long as you've got that precious piece of paper which proves beyond doubt that it once belonged to Prince Albert, then some monarchy groupie could pay for your holiday in Tenerife" "and you'll still have enough left over for that humanely murdered organic turkey at Christmas." "What it comes down to in the end, I suppose, is you've gotta have a hell of a lot of faith and a few sheets of cheap legal paper." "Especially if you're buying and $100 tea bowl for two million." "Are you back already?" "I told people you're gone till tomorrow." "Would I leave you on your own, Eric?" "Very nice." " Very nice piece." " Mm-hm." " Signed as well." " Mm-hm." "What?" "250 quid?" "Oh, come on, Eric, we live in times of roaring inflation." "Well, all right. 275." "You won't get more than 300 quid for it so you'll only make 25 quid maximum." "And that doesn't include your rail fares!" "In which case you'd have to knock it out for 350 quid and the punter would have to be a right mug." " You didn't, did you?" " All right, Eric, if you're so smart, that's a satsuma tea bowl." "What's it worth?" "Couple of hundred quid?" "Wrong, Eric." "Two million." "What?" "!" "I bumped into Catapodis in London." "What a pro, Eric." "He's got the Roller, right?" "This scam will net him his Learjet." "(Whistles)" "According to that document, that tea bowl belonged to Emperor Hirohito of Japan." "If it wasn't for that piece of paper, you could grow cress in it." "You do know who Hirohito was, don you?" "Yeah, he was the boss of the Kamikaze Veterans Association." "Well, when the Japanese surrendered, the Americans made him renounce his divinity." "Renounce his what?" "The Japanese people believed that he was a god, and the Americans said that he no longer was one and should broadcast this fact to the whole Japanese nation by radio." "Now, according to that, just before the broadcast he drank tea out of that very bowl, which effectively meant that a god had drunk tea out of that bowl." "So after the broadcast, the bowl as given to one of General MacArthur's staff, a Colonel Whitney, who took it back to the States with him." "It's been in his family ever since." "And now it's worth a couple of million dollars?" "You can name your own price for anything that belonged to Hirohito." "He's only been dead a couple of years." "It doesn't matter." "Japanese dingbat nationalists will pay millions for anything remotely connected to him." "Well, it sounds like we should be concentrating on the paperwork, not selling antiques." " Come on!" " Steady!" "Come on!" "She's still pulling, Miles." "My guess is that she's sulking." "Yeah." "Well, I told you, Mrs. Lynch." "She needs another two weeks at least." "(Miles) The going's too hard for her, anyway." "I think Sheikh Mohammed is mad to even think of sending her to France." "And there's the proof." "Look at that." "That's 20 seconds down on last week." "Don't worry, Miles, I'll call him." "You follow the sport of kings, Lovejoy?" "No." "Thought you might give me a tip." "You keep your money in your pocket, and keep your pockets buttoned." "That's what they say in Kentucky." "Have you ever been there?" "Bluegrass country." "Lexington?" "Never." "That's where I met Donald." "He came over for the bloodstock sales." "Bought a little filly named Marina from my dad." "She was so flighty that I offered to go to England and settle her in." " And the rest is racing history?" " I suppose it is." "So, where is it?" "Come on, let me see it." "Do you do this for all your customers?" "No." "Ah!" "Lovejoy!" "This is beautiful!" "Oh, it is so sweet, and the color..." " And it's even signed." " Mm-hm." "Not an Italian copy, either." " Cass, do you think I'd..." " No, no!" "Lovejoy, of course not." "How much is it?" "Have a guess." "Erm..." "Close to the 300 mark." "Oh, please." "350?" "A little more." "Not 375?" "Exactly." "Lovejoy, that's pretty close to the top end." "But, since you spent all that time and went to all that trouble... sold." "I, uh, saw Harry Catapodis while I was in London." " Mm-hm?" " Mm." "Had a Japanese banker in tow." "Ah..." "You know, I probably shouldn't tell you this, but..." "Go on." "He bought a tea bowl for $2,000 that he's planning to sell to that banker for..." "Two million dollars." "He told me, yeah." "Quite a mark-up, eh?" "How does he do that?" "That could pay my running costs for a couple of years around here." "Just has a feel, I guess." "Told me he'd sold your husband a Stubbs." "Yes." "We bought quite a few things from him over the years." "Do you want to see my pride and joy?" "I'd love to." "You wanted this made out to cash, didn't you?" "Yes, please." "Here you are." "Thank you." "How about that?" "Giovanni Antonio Canale Canaletto." "Isn't it exquisite?" "It gives me so much pleasure I could stare at it for hours." "What's the matter?" "As your credit rating's very high at the hospital at the moment, what say we take this down there and get it X-rayed?" "(Cass) Oh, my God." "What the hell is that?" "(Lovejoy) "Rice." "Produce of Italy."" "It's a rice bag picture." " It's a what?" " It's a picture painted on a rice bag." "Sorry, Cass, it's a fake." "Oh, no." "Oh, Lovejoy." "This is absolutely terrible." "Oh, I can't believe it." "Well, this is impossible." "I think it's one of several paintings that were done in a prison in Naples in the '50s by an Italian forger called Stefano Bertolini." "This is absolutely awful." "The prison authorities wouldn't allow him any canvas so he used the sacking from the bags of rice that were delivered to the prison kitchen." "He used to sell the paintings to the guards to supplement his rations." "The governor had two in his office." "Sorry, Cass." "How much is it worth?" "As a collector's item it's worth about... £2,000" "Oh, my God!" "Donald would turn over in his grave." "He paid £250,000 for it." "Bastard." "That bastard Harry Catapodis, I'll sue him for every cent he's got." "Cass..." "Would you show me some of the other stuff you got from Harry over the years?" "Mm." "If you look carefully, you see where this piece of carving begins here?" " Mm-hm." " Now, do you see a series of cuts that are perfectly symmetrical?" "Like it was done by a machine?" "That's because it was." "Even Leonardo didn't have an electric router." "These are machined very roughly and then hand-carved." "You've got to look very closely to spot the copies." "See?" "It's about as medieval as a microwave!" "'Fraid so." "How much?" "Hm?" "Including those two pieces... close to half a million pounds." "I want it back, Lovejoy." "I want every single penny back." "Should I call the police?" "Well, first I'd get a recognized expert's opinion." "I could be wrong." "But you're not." "We'll see what Catapodis has to say." " He's got a very good defense, you know." " What?" "Against fraud?" "Caveat emptor." "Buyer beware." "Colonel Whitney's son..." "Colonel Whitney's son has agreed to sell the satsuma tea bowl." "That's the good news." "The bad news is he refuses to sell it to the Japanese." " So?" " Well, he'll sell it to me." "But that means me putting up one and three quarter million dollars of my own money." "We have nothing in writing, Toshiro." "I agreed two on for that tea bowl on delivery, Catapodis." "I can't help you." "I can't risk that kind of money." "Now... if you want to deposit the full amount into my account by next Friday, you can have the bowl by Wednesday." "(Phone)" "Will you excuse me?" "Harry Catapodis." "Cass!" "How are you?" "You do?" "I was thinking of calling by on my way back to New York." "(Speaks Japanese)" "Uh, can I call you later?" "Thanks." "OK, Catapodis." "I will deposit the money by Friday." "And we will have a contract." " Good afternoon, Tink." " Afternoon." "Lager in the fridge, coffee in the pot." "Oh, thanks, Lovejoy, I'll hold on for champagne." "You still interested in Lalique glass?" "Yeah." "What's the word?" "Well, at Farley's next household effects sale, there's a Lalique car mascot." " Yeah?" " Yeah." "Take a look at this." "Aha!" "Une petite libellule." " I'm sorry?" " Little dragonfly." "I thought that's what you said." "Who's putting it in?" "Farley wouldn't say." "Gonna have to come up with fifteen hundred quid." " When's the auction?" " Next Wednesday." "You're never gonna find fifteen hundred quid by Wednesday." "Well, we're just gonna have to move a little more stuff, aren't we, Tink?" "Eh?" "I'm as shocked as you are, Cass." "I don't know what to say." "I really don't." "It's not like you, Harry, to be at a loss for words." "No matter how you look at it, it is not a pretty picture." "I can't believe it." "I bought this picture from Tony Drexler to pay for his costs before he went to prison for murdering his wife." "Impeccable provenance." " From a murderer." " Sure." "No living dealer would have the guts to screw Tony." "Well, somebody did and passed it on to Donald." "No, no." "I am to blame." "I am responsible." "I should have checked and double-checked." "I hate that this has happened." "That's why I employ experts." "The hairshirt act's real noble, Harry." "But I'm still left with a five-year-old medieval statue, a resin art deco ivory and bronze figure and a Dutch canalscape that's about as Dutch as Dan Quayle." "All right." "All right, sweetie, I take your point." "(Sighs) But just look at that." "Is the Stubbs a phoney?" "Were your primitives painted last year, your Chinese porcelain?" "Where was that made, Morocco?" "Oh, Cass, we all make mistakes from time to time." "I'm as vulnerable as the next man." "With 50 people on my payroll, I have to rely sometimes on their expertise." "But I promise you one thing." "I'm gonna kick a lot of ass when I get back." "Glad to hear it, Harry." "I'm gonna take all this stuff back with me and refund totally without prejudice every penny you and Donald have spent." "How about that?" "Harry, you're not taking this junk anywhere." "You still have my friendship if you choose to accept it but I want £500,000 and I want this garbage destroyed so it can't get back into circulation." "I'm sorry, Cass." "No merchandise, no money." " So that's the way it is, huh?" " Uh-huh." "That's how it works." "I'm an antique dealer, not a rainforest aid worker." "The good go back with me." " I can't believe I'm hearing this." " You want me to repeat it?" "How do I know that this stuff won't appear in an auction room in two weeks' time?" "And how do I know they won't appear in an auction room with "Previously owned by Mrs. Cassandra Lynch" on the ticket?" "I'll sue you, Harry." "For what?" "I'm offering to pay you in full." "Here, go ahead." "Take it." "So it's come down to this, has it?" "You are nothing but a cheap crook, Harry." "I'll sue you for selling Donald and me fake antiques and your reputation will be trash." "Sure." "And when I appear in court, and tell the whole world how he got his money to pay for Canelettos, there won't be much left of the Lynch legend either." "What are you talking about?" "He earned every cent he had." "Sure he did." "And what is that supposed to mean?" "Ah, come on, Cass, you must have known." "Donald was one of the best dopers of all time." "If he wanted to pull a horse, all the vets in the world would never know it was done." "That's how he got his money." " You're a liar." " Am I?" "I'm just telling you the way it is, and you can't believe otherwise." "And just think how that will go down with your county set." "Come on, Cass." "Don't ruin everything." "Get out of here before I call the police." "And that's your last word?" "Lovejoy." "Hello!" "Come in, it's open." "Good morning." "Morning." " I'm not interrupting, am I?" " No, no." "Sit down, have some coffee." "I'll get it." "Yeah." "Harry Catapodis stopped by yesterday." "Yeah?" " Do you know what?" " What?" "He offered me half a million pounds for all that phoney junk." "Oh, that's better then nothing." " I didn't take it." " What?" "I tore up his check." "He was gonna send all that stuff back to New York and resell it." "Ah..." "Now I have that awful feeling that I've done something terribly, terribly dumb." "Do you think I've done something dumb, Lovejoy?" "Dumb... ish, maybe?" "Do you really think he believes he thinks he can sell that stuff, even though it's a fake?" "Sure." "Trickle it back onto the market very slowly." "It's probably worth twice as much as you paid for it." "That half a million pounds is a good investment for him." "What a skunk!" "Yup." "Morning, Lovejoy." "Hold on, hold on, hold on, I'm in conference." " In the way, more like." " What do you mean?" "You're sitting on customers' goods, Lovejoy." "This is my furniture!" "No, Lovejoy, with the two chairs in the workshop, this set of four becomes a set of six." " Couldn't this wait a few minutes?" " It's for a wedding, Lovejoy." "They have to be ready for when the couple come back from the church." "Oh!" " Sorry, Cass." " It's all right." "I not only have a house full of antiques but I've got one here too." "Right, Bertie?" "Bertie is 33 years old." "Which is just about as old as you can get in horse terms." "He was Donald's first horse." "And he made him a promise he could die in bed." "Here, Bertie." "Hey, good boy." "Do you spoil all your horses like that?" "Well, actually it was filled with his arthritis medicine." "It's the only way he'll take it." "You have to sugar-coat the pill." "If it's for animals, Lovejoy." "Oh, what I could do with half a million pounds right now." "I know the feeling." "No, I'm serious, Lovejoy." "Do you have any idea what it costs to run this place?" "Why don't you call Catapodis and tell him you've hanged your mind?" "Hm?" "I did." "And he told me what I could do with the stuff." "Look, Lovejoy, isn't there something we could do..." "What?" "What do you mean?" " Come on, Lovejoy, you know exactly what." " You mean shaft him." "I couldn't have said it better myself." "Look, I can play just as dirty as the next person." "The trouble is, I just need a little more time to think about it." "(Car horn)" "Eric, we're going to Farley's auction." "Where's the cash from the sale of that furniture?" "Ah, no cash." "It were a check." "A check?" "You brickbrain!" "Since when do we accept checks?" "Look, it was my cousin, Lovejoy." "It's not going to bounce, it's gonna clear in a couple of days." "How am I supposed to bid for a very expensive piece of glass with this?" "Well, speak to Cyril." "If they knock it down to you, maybe you can have it on tick." "He's your cousin." "You speak to him." "600. 650." "700." "750." "800 I'm bid." "Come along, now, this Lalique dragonfly is worth a lot more than that." "I'm looking for 850." "Now who'll give me 850?" "Right, 850 it is." "Nine?" "The bid's with you, sir, at £900." "950?" "A round thousand." "Now who'll give me a round thousand?" "One thousand." "I'm looking for another hundred." "Another hundred anywhere and it's yours." "1,100." "Now, who'll give me two?" "Two anywhere?" "Do I hear two?" "Come along, don't let the star of the show go for the lack of another hundred." "Come along, now, I know you've got it." "1,200." "Do I hear three anywhere?" "Three?" "Who'll make it three?" "I'm looking for three." "Three?" "I'm looking for three." "1,300." "Four, do I hear four anywhere?" "Who'll make it four?" "No?" "Going once at 1,300." "Lovejoy." " Hello, Debbie." " Hello, Lovejoy." "Lot 36, the Lalique dragonfly." "£1,300, please." "Is Cyril about?" "Cyril!" " Hello, Cyril." " Hello, Lovejoy." " Hello!" " Bought the Lalique dragonfly, I hear." "Yeah, that's what I wanted a word about." "I wanted to buy it on credit." "Tick tock, tick tock." "That sort of thing?" "That's the idea." "Didn't Eric call you?" "Might have." "Well, I can knock it out to a punter tomorrow and Eric will tell you the check's in the bank and will have cleared by Friday." "It's a lot of money, Lovejoy." "If old man Farley ever found out..." " Have I ever let you down before?" " Yes!" "Well, that was then, this is now." "Ten days." " Three." " Five." "Three." "You should have been an auctioneer, Cyril." "I'm not a Mason." "Lovejoy." "I'm Amiki Watanabe, but you can call me Miki." "Absolutely amazing." "(Speaking Japanese)" "I'm sorry, Lovejoy, I had to bring you here like this." "It's all right, Mr. Tanaka." "Kidnapping's not a capital offense in this country." "But you were not kidnapped." "You are my guest for the time being." "Please, sit down." "Well?" "I mean, about this time," "I should be sipping dry sherry and eating stuffed olives about 70 miles from here." "Can you tell me why I'm here?" "And what's the reason for all the Gilbert and Sullivan comic opera stuff?" "You know all about this because you are Catapodis' man in Europe." " Right?" " Wrong." "Catapodis says you are trustworthy." "You were in the right place at the right time." "We picked you up at exactly four o'clock." "Very convenient." "You signed this photocopy without any question at all." "Watanabe checked on you, Lovejoy." "You've been in prison." "Two days ago, you deposited a check for £5,000 into your account." "You colluded with Catapodis." "What's so funny, Lovejoy?" "!" " This is no laughing matter!" " Oh, yes it is." "Lovejoy, please." "That bowl has survived from the 17th century." "I thought Hirohito's bowl was 16th century." "How do you know that if you are not his partner?" "I've met the man once before in my entire life." "You're lying." "No, I'm not lying!" "The money in the bank came from a furniture sale, and the date of this bowl is historical fact." "This is genuine." "You checked it?" "A god... never drank from this." "Same bowl, same color." "Just the century's different." "He screwed you out of two million dollars." "Do you know what happened to the real one?" "Watanabe believes it was broken by Colonel Whitney's son when he was a baby." "Catapodis substituted this one." "Have you tried the Fraud Squad?" "Fraud is hard to prove." "Is not every tea bowl a divine tea bowl?" "I think what you're trying to say is that you're not too keen on losing face." "The money is not mine" "I don't suppose, Lovejoy..." "you know any way of..." "Way of shafting Harry Catapodis?" "Reducing it to it's Biblical simplicity?" "Huh?" "Oh, I'm sure you have a saying in Shinto for it." "An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth." "Private vengeance instead of public justice." "If I knew of a way, Mr. Tanaka..." "I'd bottle it." "And sell it by the caseload, no problem at all." "If you do, Lovejoy, you let me know." "I'll set aside two per cent of the two million dollars for you." "If I see that money again." "Right." "Right." "But meanwhile... back in the feet-firmly-planted- on-the-ground department," "I'd like Mr. Watanabe to come up with the £2,000 for this little trinket which he crushed under his oriental hoof." "(Speaks Japanese)" "The money and the car will be waiting for you downstairs." "I'm suitably impressed, Mr. Tanaka." "Think about it, Lovejoy." "Andrei Rublev." "I didn't know there was one outside the Soviet Union." "Only one." "Thank you, Derek, I won't be needing you anymore today." "What's the matter, lads?" "Cat got your tongues?" "You went out this morning in Miriam, you come back in a Mercedes." "Small acorns, Eric, from small acorns." " Where the hell d'you you get that from, Tink?" " From the St, John's playgroup summer fair." "I thought Russian stuff was the in thing this year." "Isn't it bloody just?" "What was it Harry said?" "The last great art market on earth, a lake full of stuff that's been dammed up for 70 years." "Tinker!" "Eric!" "Tink, go and get yourself a round of assorted drinks." "Eric, start sticking that together again." "Cass!" "Cass!" "Lovejoy, what on earth are you doing?" "You still wanna shaft Catapodis?" " Uh-huh." " Your wish is about to be granted." "This is the chance of a lifetime, Mr. Tanaka." " Uh-huh?" " But I need big bait." "I need something unique, something really valuable." "How valuable?" "This valuable." "Do you know how much that is worth?" "It is totally priceless!" "No one in the art world even knows that it is in the West." "Even better." "The Rublev icon never goes anywhere unless it is in an armored car and Miki Watanabe to accompany it." "Better still." "Some things are just too valuable, Lovejoy." "Why not use the bank's van Gogh?" "Oh, Mr. Tanaka." "When Captain Ahab went looking for Moby Dick, he didn't use frozen peas." "Is you in, or is you ain't?" "I think I'm in."