"Now, the question is, does the beastly hand need this, or don't you?" "What's the idea?" "I want to think about that card." "This place is finally getting to you, huh?" "( laughing )" "Whatever gave you that idea, Schultz?" "They order us to blow up a research laboratory that's protected by half the Gestapo monsters in Germany." "That is definitely not a civilian operation." "It's true." "So why put a civilian in charge?" "Well, the brass must have had good reason." "Since when?" "Could you say you didn't receive the orders, mon colonel?" "Eh, it's too late." "When I got this from London, I acknowledged it." ""Operation Hatchet:" "civilian doctor in command."" "That's plain enough." "Is it possible to resign from a war?" "Sure." "It's called desertion." "But nobody approves of it." "We know the Krauts are working on synthetic fuel in that lab." "So I guess it just figures they'd send somebody who knows something about it." "And he should be arriving with Kinch anytime." "Let's go." "Schultz, you still here?" "We're entitled to some privacy, you know." "Out." "I-I lost ten straight hands." "I'm not going until I win." "Which could take us right through to the next war." "All right, what do you need, Schultz?" "The nine of diamonds." "Yeah, that's what I need." "Ooh." "Gin!" "Amazing." "All right, come on." "Out!" "But I'm on a winning streak." "Out!" "Hey, Schultzy." "Ooh." "Ooh." "Good-bye." "Kinch, open up." "How'd it go?" "Well, fine, Colonel." "Just fine." "Oh." "Gentlemen... this is Hatchet." "Dr. Suzette Lechay." "Doctor?" "Of science." "Madame Lechay." "She's very famous in France." "Oh, merci bien." "Très bien, Madame." "Enchante." "Enchante." "When they said civilian, they meant civilian." "The Krauts have guards here and here." "And they've got a sentry posted at the main gate, which is hooked up to the lab by telephone." "There's an eight-foot electrified barbed wire fence goes all around the place." "( whistles ) Sounds like a nice, homey place." "Could one dig under the fence, say, at this point?" "Excusez-moi, Madame Doctor." "Bloody impossible." "Yeah, we saved the worst part for the last." "They've got land mines planted 50 yards out, and they go all around." "And booby traps." "Sounds like Fort Knox." "Getting into old Fort Knox, sir, would be like falling off a log compared to this caper." "Eh, "falling off the log?"" "( speaking French )" "Oh, oh, je comprende." "Merci." "Hey, you know, I fell off a log once when I was a kid." "Landed on my head, and I was punchy for a week." "Are you sure it was only a week?" "( speaking French )" "Save it, LeBeau." "You'll run the war into overtime." "Since you fellas did the reconnaissance, any suggestions?" "I've got one, sir." "Let's call the whole thing off and have a nice cup of tea." "Right, Colonel." "We could never get in there." "Yeah, my feelings exactly." "It'd be suicide to try." "But I need only ten minutes to get in there and examine the plans and set the explosives." "Sorry, Doctor, it's off." "If the Boche develop a synthetic fuel, it may prolong the war for years." "They may even win." "You heard what he said." "They've got land mines, a German specialty." "No one has to tell me about the Germans." "When they took France, I was captured and sent back to Germany to work for them." "I escaped, and I've been hiding in the underground from them for over a year." "We could figure another way to get into that lab." "There is." "By invitation." "What?" "I will leave here." "I will permit the Germans to capture me, and then I will let them talk me into working for them, huh?" "And get yourself killed at the same time." "Ah, my life has been in danger many times." "Perhaps I've been spared for this one important mission." "No, my original decision stands." "The job's off." "Colonel, the decision is not yours." "Lady, may I remind you" "I am the senior officer of this camp?" "And may I remind you that for this mission, you have been placed under my orders?" "Wow." "Holy..." "Please, one war at a time." "All right, you guys, take a break." "Get lost." "Yes, sir." "Lady, you're pushing me around, and we're not even married." "If you will not help me with this," "I will attempt to accomplish it alone." "Alone?" "!" "That's crazy." "Why do they do this to me?" "Why?" "!" "Because you are Colonel Hogan." "Lady, don't fill our little tunnel here with soft soap." "And because they know you are a good enough soldier to follow orders." "All right." "You want to commit suicide, who am I to stand in the way?" "First problem: getting you captured by the Germans, right?" "Oui." "That is correct." "All right." "The boys have been doing some clean up work on a farm near here for extra rations." "LeBeau will take you out tonight and hide you." "Tomorrow we'll make sure the Krauts find you." "Excellent." "Then you take it from there." "Okay?" "Satisfied?" "Oui." "Je suis contente." "Good." "Then I'll assume I'm dismissed, Madame Commander." "Good night." "Colonel Hogan... you forgot to, uh, salute." "Lady, you're not pushing, you're shoving." "( blows whistle )" "Lunch, everybody!" "Half an hour lunch!" "Lunch, everybody!" "Half an hour lunch!" "( laughs ):" "The nicest time of the day." "Yep, Schultz, yep." "Yeah, dinner time isn't bad either." "How about breakfast?" "Oh, crazy about it." "( laughs )" "Ooh." "Dieting again?" "Just a little snack." "Hey, Schultz, what's Kinch doing?" "Don't you see I'm busy?" "You better have a look." "Hey, you." "What's going on?" "Who is in there?" "Nothing, Schultz." "Nobody here." "Oh, nobody, nobody?" "Go away, go away, go away." "A-ha!" "You!" "You!" "Come out!" "Out!" "Out with you." "( prisoners complaining )" "Who are you?" "Do you live on the farm?" "No, I was hiding." "I just asked this man for some food." "Hiding, eh?" "Oh, come on, Schultz, she's not doing anything." "Let her go." "( prisoners complaining ) Quiet!" "Keep out of this!" "Now, run away, quick." "Quick, quick, quick." "Run away." "What?" "Schultz, this is a fine time to be Mr. Nice Guy." "You got to arrest her." "It's too much trouble." "They're going to ask questions." "I have to make a report." "Four copies." "Run away, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick." "Run away." "Schultz, you can't do that!" "What's going on here?" "Just a minute ago, you wanted me to let her go." "Achtung!" "What's going on here?" "Who is this woman?" "Herr Kommandant, she was in here." "She tried to escape, but I arrested her." "Back!" "Everybody back, back, back, back." "Back!" "Everybody quiet!" "Back, back!" "In case they attack," "I want to be ready." "Very good, Schultz." "I want this woman brought to my office immediately for questioning." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "Schultz, you're really a switch artist." "In wartime, you have to be flexible." "Let's go." "Now, Hogan, who is this woman?" "I have no idea." "I don't know, either." "I didn't ask you." "I-I thought you might like to know." "KLINK:" "Silence!" "Now, why were you hiding, and so close to Stalag 13?" "Getting ready to assist Hogan in an escape, perhaps?" "You're just fishing for information, Commandant." "And I'm about to catch something." "Now, I'm convinced that this woman has a special reason for being here and you know that reason." "Now, start talking or I promise you, you and your men will get 30 days in the cooler." "On what charge?" "Oh, I'll invent something." "Don't worry." "HOGAN:" "Can't tell you what I don't know." "Commandant, my name is really Suzette Lechay." "I have been in hiding for over a year." "A fugitive?" "Gestapo?" "Yes." "And this American officer and his men-- they know nothing of me." "I simply asked them for some food today." "And I saw them give it to her." "I know, I know." "LECHAY:" "And that is all there is to it." "Suzette Lechay?" "Dr. Lechay?" "Oui." "I am Dr. Lechay." "Wow." "What, what?" "Doctor who?" "HOGAN:" "Lechay." "Just the best known research chemist in all of France." "Do you realize what a catch you've made, Commandant?" "I knew it the moment I heard that name." "And you-- what'd you have to tell him for?" "I could not let him punish you just because you tried to help me." "Do you realize he'll probably call Berlin now and get a medal for this?" "I will?" "I will." "Hogan, I cannot give you enough credit." "You really do understand me." "Get me General Burkhalter at once!" "See?" "I told you." "And you would be working on a very special, top-priority research project of ours." "Synthetic fuel?" "How do you know about that?" "A-ha!" "A spy." "That's obvious." "Klink..." "It is difficult even for Germans to keep scientific research a secret in wartime." "Boy, she's handling those creeps like an expert." "Yeah." "How'd you like to be married to Madame Doctor and try to keep anything from her?" "LECHAY:" "Hiding from your filthy Gestapo pigs is not the easiest thing in the world." "I warn you not to address General Burkhalter in that tone of voice again!" "Klink, you are not on the parade grounds." "Yes, sir." "Not a bad idea." "A nice, snow-covered parade ground on the Eastern front." "I've wasted enough time with you, Madame." "Will you cooperate with us?" "No." "You leave me no alternative." "I will turn you over to the Gestapo, Madame Lechay." "Perhaps they can be more persuasive." "I am not afraid." "Oh, yes, you are, Madame." "Very much afraid, no matter how bravely you talk." "Klink, call Gestapo headquarters." "Yes, sir, at once." "No, wait." "You are right." "I-I could not face that ordeal again." "Now you are being sensible." "What timing." "She is something." "I tell you, it makes me proud to be a Frenchman." "Klink, you have adequate quarters here for Dr. Lechay." "Yes, sir, they are most comfortable," "I can assure you." "Schultz!" "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "Barracks Nine for Madame Lechay." "Maximum security but comfortable." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "If you please, Madame." "I promise you, Dr. Lechay, you will not regret this decision." "We will win this war, and then you..." "Please, spare me the speeches, General." "There have been too many of them already." "Barracks Nine." "Don't we have a branch tunnel leading into Nine?" "Sure." "It's an off ramp." "We're in business." "The Gestapo will pick her up every evening, and she will be taken to a building not far from here." "Uh, the synthetic fuel plant." "A research laboratory." "That's all you need to know about it." "They will return her in the daytime." "You will give her anything she wants within reason." "Understood, sir." "And, uh, may I add that, uh, I admired the way you handled her." "Thank you." "I, uh..." "I hope that I was of some, uh, little help." "It would've been impossible without you." "You're very kind." "And I'm glad to see the general smiling." "What I just said was such a pleasant thought: "without you."" "Without me." "This is the timer." "Each one of these notches represents five minutes, so you can set it for any time you want." "And, uh, these are the detonators?" "That's right." "You just stick this right into the explosive, and it attaches onto this wire here and goes right to the timer." "Excellent." "You are very clever, Sergeant." "Oh, thank you, ma'am." "And you know, from what they tell me, so are you." "And I-I'd like to talk to you about that sometime..." "Can we delay the meeting of the Mutual Admiration Society, please?" "Yes, sir." "I have the new explosive." "It is in the hem of my skirt here, huh?" "Hey, how 'bout that?" "Ooh, one thing more, ma'am." "When you set the timer, get out of there fast, 'cause the calibration's not all that perfect." "I understand." "Well, that's it." "Not quite-- our junior landlord's on his way." "Let's go!" "( knocking )" "( gasps )" "Come in." "Madame Lechay." "Bonjour." "You, uh, seem to be quite cozy here." "Well, yes, all the comforts of home." "I hope you haven't been digging any tunnels." "Unfortunately, we're going to lose you." "The Gestapo has talked to me on the telephone, and, uh, starting tonight, you will be living in the laboratory building itself with the other technicians." "But why?" "It, uh, never occurred to me to question the Gestapo orders." "Just have your things packed when they come for you tonight." "Auf Wiedersehen." "Colonel, they are going to..." "I heard him, and that tears it, as far as I'm concerned." "Forget it." "But our plans are made for tonight." "And now all we need are plans for your funeral." "Colonel..." "Shh." "The Germans have been working night and day." "They are very far advanced." "And all of their plans are there, waiting to be destroyed." "We could set them back a year." "We must go through with it." "You're, without a doubt, the most frustrating woman..." "There is another reason." "In order to gain their confidence," "I had to give them valuable advice." "I've actually helped them to make progress." "Well, there's nothing we can do about that now." "Colonel... must I, uh, pull rank on you again?" "( sighs ):" "Suzette, listen." "You're a woman with great gifts." "If you survive this war, you can make important contributions." "Don't throw your life away." "You know how I feel." "I must go through with it." "But I thank you for caring, mon colonel." "Colonel..." "You know something?" "That's the first time I ever kissed my commanding officer." "All right." "Right here there are no houses and the road dips slightly." "It looks like the best place to stop the car." "Carter, you and Newkirk handle that." "Yes, sir." "Right, sir." "LeBeau, you and I will wait right about here." "We'll jump in from this angle." "Good." "Boy, this is going to be a rough one, Colonel." "You're not kidding, but all we can do is try." "Pity you can't talk her out of it, Colonel." "Well, I can't, and I've tried everything, believe me." "Everything." "Yes, we know." "You didn't get all the lipstick off." "( speaking German )" "Corporal Schindler, sir." "I've captured this man." "An Englander, huh?" "Yes, I am an Englander, you bloody Kraut." "What about it?" "SCHINDLER:" "Quiet!" "Can you give me transportation to headquarters?" "Get in the truck." "All right, hold it." "Who are you?" "No quick moves, please." "You know what to do." "I'll take care of him." "Come on." "What are you doing?" "Get back in the truck." "But I don't understand." "In the truck!" "What are you going to do?" "That's entirely up to you, buddy." "You can get out of this war real fast the hard way, or you can cooperate." "I do nothing." "Look, I was a terrible shot when I was a cadet, but I think I got a better chance this way." "You're going to drive us into that laboratory nice and quiet, or you're going to die right here." "Take all the time you want to think it over... like ten seconds." "All right, I'll take you in." "Five seconds to spare." "That's pretty good for a super man." "Now move!" "Move!" "Heil Hitler." "Heil Hitler." "( both speaking German )" "Who is this?" "Major Hoganschmidt." "I'll have to see your pass." "Inspector General's Office, Section Eight." "I will vouch for him." "Well, you may pass." "Heil Hitler." "Heil Hitler." "( gives order in German )" "( light bulbs buzzing )" "HOGAN:" "Watch it." "LeBEAU:" "Right." "You must be quiet." "There are technicians working in there." "We won't bother them if they don't bother us." "All of these files, they must be destroyed." "We've got enough explosives to blow up half of Berlin." "Get started." "Yeah." "( zipping )" "Easy, boy." "( gasps )" "Guten Abend, Dr. Lechay." "I didn't expect to find you here." "Oh, uh, Dr. Krull, this is, um," "Major Hoganschmidt of the Inspector General's Office." "Heil Hitler." "Heil Hitler." "Forgive me for having interrupted." "Oh, that's perfectly all right." "I'll be there in just a moment." "Oh, yes." "Don't those guys ever bother to knock?" "How weird how they have no manners at all." "Okay." "Set for five minutes, and then up she goes." "All right, let's go." "Carter, this time, you drive." "Captain, you won't mind sitting in the back, will you?" "I didn't think so." "Move." "( speaking German )" "Heil Hitler." "Heil Hitler." "( phone rings )" "Hallo." "Leutnant Martin." "Ja." "Ja?" "That's trouble." "Take off." "( yelling in German )" "Carter, pull over a little in case that laboratory wants to pass us." "Oh, it's not going to pass us, sir." "It's going to go straight up." "See, with that kind of structure, the compression..." "Carter, forget it, forget it." "Keep driving." "( knocking ) Schultz." "Commandant." "KLINK:" "Yes, Hogan, what is it?" "I have a list of complaints here, sir." "I'm not listening to complaints today." "Tomorrow?" "No." "No, no, no, no!" "Oh, by the way, sir, uh... we haven't seen Dr. Lechay around for the last couple days, and we were wondering..." "Dr. Lechay is gone, and she will not be back." "Would it, uh, have anything to do with the explosion we heard the other night?" "There's nothing I can say about that." "That's top secret matter." "Besides that, it's none of your bus..." "Just a minute." "What is that on your face?" "Lipstick." "In a P.O.W. camp?" "Herr Kommandant, there are no women here." "I would be the first one to know." "You see, we were rehearsing a play one of the boys wrote." "We have to keep busy, sir." "A play?" "What about?" "Well, you see, there's this lady scientist who's captured by the Germans." "Those are the bad guys." "But she escapes to England with the help of the P.O.W.s-- the good guys." "Now, there's this crazy commandant of the camp who keeps running around yelling..." "That's all!" "Dismissed!" "You'd be great for the part." "He really would." "( grunts )" ""(End of Episode)""