"( theme music playing )" "( alarm ringing ) quick, take this fire extinguisher, follow the general." "that way." "where are you going?" "uh... i was just going out for a little fresh air." "that smoke was getting in my lungs." "you are here to blow this safe." "get on with it, or you will die at the hands of the resistance." "my lungs have cleared." "here, give me a hand with this." "right." "now, there is the safe." "get to work with this explosive, here." "okay." "there is very little time for me to tell you exactly what is going on." "suffice it to say that we going to blow up this safe so that we can photograph the plans for the german invasion of england, which are hidden inside it." " detonator." " there." "my wife, edith, has caused a diversion by dropping a smoke bomb from the roof down the chimney." "naturally she dropped it down the wrong chimney." "let us just hope that it keeps general von klinkerhoffen busy for long enough for us to make the explosion and get out of here." " fuse." " right." "there's the fire." "extinguish it!" "in your efforts to prevent the general from making amorous advances, you have gone too far." "i am not responsible for that." "do you think i would start a fire and ruin my own music?" "depress the plinger and direct the nizzle at the muddle of the fear." "get out of my way, i can spray this only once." "this is definitely the work of the resistance." "anyone looking suspicious will be shot, especially gypsies." "you're right." "we will scarper." "helga, create a diversion." "oh, the smoke, the smoke!" "i am overcome." "i will hold you, never fear." "gruber, where are those gypsies?" "i did not see." "i have been busy watering the fire." "find them and arrest them." "matches." "how long will it take?" "not long." "we will hide outside the door." "somebody's coming." "they will see the safe." "quick, the wardrobe." "the wardrobe?" "yes." "not inside it, you stupid old fool!" "general:" "guard, find those gypsies." "flick:" "quick, hide in one of the rooms." " quick, under the bed." " under the bed." "lock the door." "there is no key." "someone is coming." "shall we hide under the bed?" "no, that is the first place they will look." "hide in the wardrobe." "we must get out of these gypsy clothes as quickly as possible." "they are out of their clothes." "( coughing ) down this chimney, i heard the voice of herr flick." "down this one, i can hear crabtree and the general." "i think the operation is not going according to plan." "does it ever?" "it is best that we scarper." "not that way." "follow me-- there's a ladder." "there is, at the foot of this ladder, a fire engine." "we will commandeer it." "quick, the safe." "now, you remove the plans." "i will prepare the camera." " there are no plans." " what?" "only these two old paintings." "what?" ""the fallen madonna with the big boobies" by van clomp!" "this is "the cracked vase with the big daisies" by van gogh." "well, these must be two more forgeries." "but what are they doing in a safe in the bedroom of lieutenant gruber?" "yeah, and if they are forgeries, why keep them in the safe?" "general:" "gruber, where did that explosion come from?" "gruber:" "i think it came from my bedroom, herr general." "quick, the bed!" "oh, dear." "somebody has tampered with the safe." "general?" "hmm?" "i'm afraid our paintings have gone." "i trust they were forgeries." "no, they were the originals, which i retained for you, because you said that if i did not do so, you would send me to the russian front." "are you absolutely certain the originals were in this safe?" "positive, general." "all the others are forgeries." "the colonel thinks he has the van gogh, but that too is a forgery." "this is very serious, especially for you, gruber." "you could find yourself in vladivostok by next week." "this must be the work of the resistance." "put a cordon round the area, erect road blocks, arrest anyone who is not in uniform." "the fire is out. we have done our duty as fireman." "we will now climb down the lidder and goo." "where is the fire engine?" "somebiddy has droven it awoo." "it must be the gypsies." "guards!" "arrest all gypsies driving fire engines." "we will have to wick home." "you are right, gruber, the resistance must be behind this." "come to my office." "we will instruct our patrols to arrest anyone not wearing a german uniform." "those paintings must be recovered." "rene, i have an idea." "if we give them back the paintings, they will let us go." "yes, in coffins." "if they capture us dressed like this, goodness knows what they will do to us." "here, get that fireman stuff off, quick." "put this on." "now." "( knocking )" "have you seen rene?" "he has not come back here." "i fear he is still trapped in the chateau." "i will go at once to the chateau." "i will knife the guards." "i will shoot the general." "i will blow up the chateau and rescue him." "with you here, we do not need anyone else in the war." "someone is coming." "oh, it is probably him." "it is michelle, with that british idiot, crabtree." "we have just had a very narrow squawk." "the plan has gone wrong." "my husband has not returned." "that is because some idiot put the smoke bomb down the wrong chimney." "which one of you was responsible?" "i cannot say, but it was not me." "it is i who am to blame." "i am the one who screwed it up." "if only i could be with you, rene, now, in your hour of peril." "let us all say a little prayer for him." "all:" "good luck, rene." "we are nearly there." "two german guards." "oh, heck." "behave like a german officer." "how can i?" "i have no trousers on." "bend your knees." "your coat will cover your boots." " hell hitler - hell hitler." "more germans outside the cafe." "quick, into the back of this lorrie." " hee-aw." " ack!" " here, get up here." " ( panting ) oh, good evening." "you are probably wondering why we are dressed as german officers." "all german officers dress this way." "you can drop the french accent." "it does not fool us for one moment." "put up your hands." "no, look, y-- you-- you have got the wrong idea." "we are french." "just go into the little cafe in there and ask." "cafe rene?" "!" "we are the communist resistance." "we would not set foot in the cafe of that collaborator dog, who entertains the germans every night." "one day we will kill him, and hang his body from a lamppost." "now do not waste our time." "what is your name?" "captain von smittelhoffen." "that is better." "excuse me, please, would you shoot also rene's pianist?" "of course." "oh, ( clearing throat ) herman von beckstein at your service." "drive on." "halt!" "drive on." "in rome is a wonderful life for a soldier." "i walk down the street, from every window, flowers they fall at my feet." "at every doorway, they drag me inside for the hugs, and the kisses and the hanky-panky." "this must make the girls very jealous." "oh, colonel, all the time you laugh, you pull the leg, you take the mickey, that's what i like about all you krauts." "colonel, lieutenant gruber wishes to see you." "send him in." "( shouts ) come in here!" "gruber, are you leaving?" "colonel, i have serious news." "don't tell me, you just shot your tailor." "is okay, he deserve it." "i have not shot my tailor." "don't tell me the war is over?" "my uniform was stolen last night." "that's not too serious, gruber." "one can always buy another." "clarence is even now pressing my spare." "but i have even more serious news." "however, it is not for the ears of an itai." "i take the hint." "i go." "i chat up the beautiful ladies." "i drive them mad." "( growls )" "also stolen, from my safe, was the painting of the cracked vase with the big daisies by van gogh." "never mind, the original is here in my drawer." "they have also stolen the portrait of the fallen madonna with the big boobies by van clomp." "fortunately, gruber, the original is in a sausage in rene's pantry." "none of this is very serious." "colonel, it appears that lieutenant gruber, in all our interests, and not trusting drawers or sausages, has retained the originals very securely in a safe in his bedroom-- from which they have been stolen." "with all this deception, how do i know that you are now telling the truth?" "because if i do not recover the originals for general von klinkerhoffen i will be sent to the russian front." "gruber, would i be right in thinking you've been double-crossing us with the general?" "no, i had intended to replace them with forgeries." "which you can still do." "i have one forgery here." "rene has the other." "but we still don't have the originals, to sell after the war, to share between us." "that's all very simple." "one person can sort it all out for us." "rene." "rene has disappeared." "we have a problem." "rene, what are you looking at?" "while they were strapping you to this infernal machine, i tucked the paintings up behind the beams." "can you see them from there?" "no." "good." "let us hope the communists cannot see them either." "what do you think they are going to do to us, rene?" "well, they hate germans." "they will probably shoot us." "yes, if they find out i am rene from the cafe they will also shoot us." "we have got to get out of here." "can you not wriggle out of your bonds or something?" "i am trying, i am trying." "but i have an idea." "what?" "i think i can reach the saw." "if i can switch on the motor, maybe i can cut the bonds that bind my wrists." "good, but be careful not to cut yourself." "there is a red button, and a green button." "well, press the green button." "green." "you see it works!" "it works!" "good." "go on." "go on." "i cannot reach the blade." "well, press that red button and switch it off before anybody hears us." "ah!" "no!" "no, switch it off!" "switch it off!" "i'm trying, but i am losing the feeling in my fingers." "what do you think i am going to be losing?" "press the button!" "press the button!" " i am trying!" " press the button!" "thank heaven." "now do not touch anything else." " ( loud bang ) - ah!" "help!" "help!" "do not shout." "switch it off." "switch it off." "switch it off." "( loud bang ) ah!" "please no!" "switch-- the red button, the-- monsieur leclerc, monsieur-- ah, no." "ah!" "so, rather than talk to me you are trying to commit suicide." "it will not work, my friend." "10 seconds later, and nothing would have worked." "you are one minute late, helga." "what kept you?" "there was a queue at the chemist." "i had to kick several french peasants quite severely so that they would let a lady go first." "here are your aspirins." "how is your head?" "it is very painful." "it was struck a glancing blow by a coat hanger." "fortunately von smallhausen took the full blast of the explosion." "oh!" "i have spent several hours with my gestapo tweezers pulling small particles of wardrobe from his anatomy." "the sitting part." "may i make you a cup of tea?" " the kettle is already singing." " ( teapot whistling ) use the small pot with the swastika on the lid." "while you are performing this simple task, listen to what i say." "yes, herr flick." "i have analyzed the situation." "question-- what was the explosive doing in the wardrobe?" "answer-- it was hidden there in readiness for the blowing up of the fuhrer." "question-- who hid it?" "answer-- i have not the faintest idea." "but the finger of suspicion points at gruber." "conclusion-- you, helga, must get close to gruber, and worm your way into his confidence, by becoming his closest companion." "but he is not very keen on women of the opposite sex." "you are talking to a man who has just been blown out of gruber's closet." "it is up to you to play your part." "as you wish, herr flick." "indian or china?" "i would prefer lapsang souchong." "shut up." "( crying ) what are you both crying about?" "poor rene." "how can we carry on without him?" "his finger pressed that very button to open the till." "he wiped the bar with this cloth." "shall i ever again feel his arms around me?" "we should light a candle for him." "oh, that is a lovely idea." "but we cannot go to church now, it is opening time." "there are some candles here, behind the bar." "let us each light one to show how we remember him." "i light this candle for rene, to show how i remember him." "i light this candle for rene, to show how i remember him." "i light this candle for rene, to show how i remember him." "how come you have such a big one?" "you have only been here three weeks." "i remember him very well." "here comes the colonel." "madame edith, this is an official visit;" "i must speak to rene at once." "but he is not here." "you have captured him." " oh, no, we haven't." " oh, yes, you have!" "he went to the chateau to put out a fire-- he has not returned." "this is very serious." "coinciding with rene's visit to the chateau there are paintings missing." "the original paintings." "not the painting of the fallen madonna with the big boobies?" "the very same." "and "the cracked vase with the big daisies."" "it would appear he has absconded with them." "but we were all to share in the proceeds after the war." "i think he has double-crossed you." "the rat!" "we will help you find him." "let us know the instant you have any information." " good morning, colonel." " good morning, helga." "are you going to buy me a drink, you great big hunk of man?" "are you talking to me?" "you have an elegant and nonchalant manner which i find most exciting." "oh?" "what are you having?" "a small port and lemon." "my favorite drink." "do you have a light?" "oh, um... ah!" "my favorite-- my favorite brand." "let us sit down and see what else we have in common." "oh, well-- i like berlin in june, how about you?" "i like a mozart tune, how about you?" "i am mad about good books-- i cannot get my fill." "and adolf hitler's looks?" "they give me a chill." "psst!" "i must speak with you." "quick, in the back room." "have you news of rene?" "listen very carefully, i shall say this only once." "rene has been captured by the communist resistance." " no!" " yes." "they are led by denise laroque." "she is a fanatic." "her group is the most ruthless in france." "they hate everybody, especially conservatives." "he was captured wearing a german uniform escaping from the chateau." "they think he is a nazi." "can you not tell them that he is rene from the cafe?" "yes, but rene from the cafe is on their hit list as a collaborator." "where are they holding him?" "they are hiding him in the old saw-mill east of nouvion." "we will storm the saw-mill and rescue him." "yes, we will storm the saw-mill and rescue him." "how shall we storm the saw-mill?" "outside is gruber's little tank." "we will steal it." "if necessary, we will use the big gun and blow them to pieces." "but they are all frenchman." "they are the wrong frenchman." " it is a good plan." " go quickly." "are you not coming with us?" "i cannot." "i have a dinner party for the rouen resistance." "the stew is in the oven." "right." "follow me." "( whistling ) hole hotler." "do you not hole hotler?" "me, i'm italiano." "do you not see the cockerel feathers, huh?" "well, in that case, hole missolooni." "quick, no one is about." "quick, start up." "i cannot." "why not?" "have you lost your nerve?" "my feet will not reach the pedals." "move over." "( tank engine starting ) helga, i think my engine is warming up." "it was my dearest wish that this would happen." "my tank, my little tank!" "right!" "i'm ready." "hold tight." "there is obviously no piss for the wicked." "( theme music playing )"