"Here we go." "I'll be right back with some *** and red pepper, and let me know if there's anything else I can get you." "Just a defibrillator and a cardiac needle." "I know this restaurant is a little *** than what you guys are used to, but Shania wanted to go to *** Italian place where they serve real *** dressing Breadstix to make her big surprise announcement." "That's okay, you know, I read the other day that Americans are eating too many vegetables." "So this is great." "Thank you all for coming." "It is very important to me that you be the first to know about my life change." "This boy at my school, Wilbur... mom, you know the one with the really intense eyes... he came up to me at recess, and at first," "I thought he was gonna throw a red ball at my head... he's such a flirt..." "but instead..." "Shania, we've been friends for how long now?" "Three, three and a half weeks?" "Feels like four." "I don't really understand how time works." "I got a check minus on that section, but I want to spend my whole life with you." "I know you might have to go back to the midwest, but I can't let you leave without telling you how I feel." "You make me want to be a better boy." "Shania, will you pretend marry me?" "I'm getting pretend married." "We're registered at toys "r" us." "What is happening?" "He put a ring on it." "Shania's pretend wedding is so romantic." "What?" "What are you thinking about?" "I can't believe you've never been here before." "I would've brought you here like, three dates ago." "Isn't it fun being with all the beautiful people?" "I only see one." "My God, it's Ben Affleck and J. Lo." "I predict they're gonna get married and have beautiful, soy latte-complexioned babies." "Is that Madonna and Guy Ritchie?" "My God, I've been reading people magazine because of you." "I'm so proud of you." "It's where I get all of my news." "They're like, the perfect couple." "Till death do they part." "No, I read that Madonna can't die." "She had that procedure done." "Yeah." "I want to get married someday and live happily ever after, don't you?" "Sure, I also want to be a seven-foot-tall center for the Chicago bulls, but that's not gonna happen." "I don't know what that means." "Marriage for guys like us, it's a fantasy." "Gay people can have fabulous commitment ceremonies, but until it's sanctioned by the U.S. government, it's nothing more than just playing house." "Yeah, but the emotions are real." "I mean, it's still a declaration of love." "Until every single consenting adult in this country can marry whomever they choose," "I refuse to even consider getting married." "That's so unromantic." "But so political and Harvey milk hot." "Okay, so marriage is off the table." "What about kids?" "That, I'd be interested in..." "With the right guy." "Bryan, what are you thinking about?" "Nothing." "Bumblebee, it's almost 9:00." "Helmet lights out." "You should be sleeping, not mining for coal." "Sorry, mom." "I just had to finish sketching my wedding dress." "I was thinking it could be made out of autumn leaves, symbolizing Wilbur's and my willingness to grow and change with life's tempestuous seasons." "Plus, they make a funny crunch sound." "Honey, having a pretend wedding is kind of a big deal." "You sure Wilbur's ready to be a one-girl boy?" "Mom, I'm not you and Wilbur's not dad." "We love each other." "Don't you remember how you felt when you first got engaged?" "Hit a Turkey, baby." "If I throw a strike, will you marry me, baby?" "No, I'm serious." "My belly is as big as that bowling ball." "Is that why you're asking?" "You know, 'cause you have to?" "Yes." "Yes, 'cause I have to be with you every single day of my life." "Always and forever, with or without this baby we made." "I love you, Goldie, and I want you to be my wife." "I love you, too." "Yes." "Yes, I'll marry you, for better or worse." "You know what, baby, you're right." "You can't stop love." "So you'll make my dress?" "If you promise me one thing:" "No sex until you're at least 25." "I couldn't possibly earn a doctorate until then." "Plus Wilbur and I talked about living in the French wine country for at least a year before even discussing kids." "Get some sleep." "Love is the most wonderful feeling of them all." "Hamachi tartare on crisped wonton, chipotle marinated flank steak, and my favorite, the lamb slider." "Now, the lamb might get a little breathy, but we can have a mint amuse bouche on hand if need be." "Got it." "My dad can't afford a new leg." "These all look so foreign." "Were you up all night making them, rocky?" "No, but I was up all night hating my life." "Okay, so I've ordered the gardenias," "I sent out the invitations." "Now, Goldie, where are we with the dress?" "I think I'll just make her something myself." "Okay, so we're gonna need a dress." "What's going on?" "We're planning my wedding." "I thought it was a pretend wedding." "It is, but it's a real pretend wedding." "Duh, David." "You take that crazy Baton." "I am going to go have a drink." "Bryan..." "Can I talk to you for a second?" "Yes." "Let me know if that's too chewy." "A wedding?" "A real wedding?" "With flowers and food and a dress?" "I'm surprised you didn't hire a monkey to be the ring bearer." "I tried, but the only one in town is booked on some TV show." "Bryan, Shania is a nine-year-old girl with a crush." "If she wanted a fantasy playground wedding, I get it." "But not everybody wants what you want." "This is becoming the social event of the season." "From your lips." "Question:" "Do the Kardashians have any school-age children?" "Can someone please explain to me what the hell this is?" "Yeah, that's Shania's wedding invitation." "We wanted to do a customized presentation box, but there just wasn't enough time." "And we couldn't agree on a ribbon." "Why are you doing this to Shania?" "Nana, it's just a pretend wedding." "No, see, that's what these gays do." "They "pretend"" "you can define what marriage is." "Today it's two children." "Tomorrow, it's the banana polishers." "Next thing you know, they're gonna have a wedding for their dog." "Actually, we had a commitment ceremony for smelly and mabel, the schuler's boxer, last spring, and that beef bouillon fountain went over big." "Not helping." "Marriage is not for dogs, it is not for children, and I'm sorry, boys, but it is not for you." "Mrs. Forrest, there was a time not too long ago, when it was illegal for black people to marry white people." "Kept things organized." "When the state of California finally makes gay marriage legal, my partner and I will be getting married, right, David?" "Right?" "I don't know." "Cinderfella." "Looks like that glass slipper doesn't fit." "And this sham wedding isn't happening, either." "Bryan, Willow Smith just rsvp'd." "It's gonna be a no." "Well, this is the worst day ever." "Okay." "I have personally hand-picked each and every one of you girls because I've seen the Romney sticker on your parents' car." "That, and you know how to sit with your legs together." "We have ourselves a very big problem, ladies, and I need the help of every one of you future one million moms." "Now, I'm sure you've heard your parents speak to you about the sanctity of marriage." "Sure, marriage is between Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve." "That is very good, Reagan." "Gay marriage is currently legal in six states." "My mom says that's six too many." "We have a freezer in our garage filled with ziplock bags of our blood in case we ever need a transfusion." "We don't want gay blood." "My Uncle was gay, but we cured him." "Now he's a youth pastor." "Now, we need to stop this wedding nonsense between Shania and Wilbur." "But it's a pretend wedding, just for fun." "Fun?" "Marriage isn't supposed to be fun." "Marriage is a sacred vow taken between a heterosexual man and a woman, preferably over the age of 18, to stay together until death us do part." "And do you know why?" "So you can have somebody to find your body when you die." "You don't want to be that weird smell coming out of an apartment full of cats, do you?" "Hello, welcome." "Guests of the pretend groom to the right, the pretend bride to the lef..." "Wait a minute, booger man, you're gonna need to take that thing out of that nose, you understand?" "Ew." "Hey!" "How are you?" "Hey, cute poncho, welcome." "Ready?" "Bring it on out here." "Let's see the magic." "What do you think?" "I can't believe your mother made you that beautiful dress." "I love it." "I'm not even lying this time." "My mom's good at lots of things." "Well, all eyes are going to be on you." "You and the build-your-own-sundae bar." "Now what about vows?" "Did you like that neruda poem I sent you?" "I think it would be really brave if you attempted his original Spanish." "Think I'm just going to wing it." "That never works." "But great." "Bryan, there aren't a lot of people who'd take this as seriously as you." "So, thanks." "You're crushing the leaves." "Okay." "Shall we?" "We shall." "Goldie?" "Clint, hey." "What are you doing here?" "Rocky called me." "Said she needed someone to officiate a ridiculous waste of time and money." "You're a minister?" "No, I'm an E.M.T." "But do you need a real minister to do a fake kids' wedding?" "Right." "I just said yes so I could see you." "Hey, I'm sorry I never called you back." "It's just, I've been dealing with a lot of stuff lately, and I'm not ready to go on dates just yet." "Wait." "It was for a date, right?" "Yes." "It was definitely a date." "Cheers." "Okay, Wilbur, how's that?" "It feels tight." "Here, loosen it up." "Like a noose." "I can't breathe." "And I'm hot." "God, is it hot?" "Okay, all right..." "What the hell am I doing here?" "Relax, buddy." "There's no reason to be nervous." "I'm ten, dude, and I'm about to lock this down with Shania." "Like, forever." "How could I not be nervous?" "Because none of this is real." "You're not signing anything, you don't have any legal obligations, it doesn't affect your taxes or anything." "It's just pretend." "So just smile and say "I do."" "It doesn't mean anything in the real world." "Yeah, you're right." "Thanks, man." "Pound it." "You're the best." "Hey." "I guess you heard that stuff." "It is what it is." "That's how you feel." "Hi, everyone, and welcome." "We are gathered here today to join Shania and Wilbur in holy pretend matrimony." "Why am I even watching this?" "I feel like my eyes are bleeding." "Like there's actually blood seeping from my eyes." "Nana, will you stop?" "This is important to Shania." "I'm tired of you being so unsupportive." "And now, Shania has requested a spoken word reading of her favorite poet." ""Right thru me" by Nicki Minaj." ""You let me win, you let me ride" ""you let me rock, you let me slide" ""and when you looking, you let me hide" ""defend my honor, protect my pride" ""the good advice, I've always hated" ""but looking back, it made me greater" ""you always told me, forget the haters just get my money, just get my weight up."" "Honey, I love Nicki Minaj." "Come on, you don't think this is a little ridiculous?" "Look, at their pretend divorce, you can sit in the pretend courtroom and gloat." "But just..." "until then, just shush." "Thank you, rocky." "And, everyone, please welcome our pretend bride." "Now, I think, Shania, you have something you wanted to share?" "All my life, I've always known I was different." "I like to read instruction manuals." "I put sour cream on everything." "There's no prescription in these glasses." "Other kids always thought that was weird, so I never made a lot of friends." "It made me feel alone." "Then I met Wilbur." "And he liked all that stuff about me." "He made me feel like it was okay to be who I am." "When I'm with Wilbur, there's no room to feel weird, because all I feel is love." "That's why I want to pretend marry you." "Because when you find someone who gets you for who you are, you want to be with that person no matter what anyone else has to say about it." "Wilbur, you have something you want to share?" "Shania, I love you a lot, and..." "I have a piano lesson at 4:00, so I need to leave by 3:30." "Now, if there's anyone who knows any reason why these two should not be joined in pretend matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace." "Wilbur's a liar!" "He doesn't love Shania." "He loves me!" "I've been pretend engaged to Wilbur since third grade." "We're just waiting till I can ride my bicycle in the street, and then we're out of here." "He kissed me!" "Yesterday." "I wasn't going to say anything, but Shania's Nana said if I didn't, I'd burn in hell." "What is happening right now?" "What did you do?" "Sorry, baby." "If I could change for anyone, it'd be you." "But it's like they say:" "You can take the player out of the game, but you can't take the game out of the player." "I loved you." "Everyone, thank you for coming." "Please help yourself to the sundae bar." "Sweetie, no, no, no." "How could you?" "Stop your blubbering." "You know what, you get out of here before I cut your hair!" "He's not worth it." "Shame," "They seemed so good together." "Here, eat your feelings." "Rocky, did you call Disney world and cancel the pretend honeymoon?" "Bryan, cheer up." "This actually was a nice event." "There's not a lamb slider left." "I ate every damn one." "You know it's gonna backfire on me later, don't you?" "It was a very sweet gesture." "People had fun." "No, David." "You were right." "This was a waste of time." "Are you happy?" "Shania's in there absolutely heartbroken." "Shania's like her Nana... she's tough, she'll get over it." "The important thing is that the next time she tries to take a dump on marriage, she'll think twice." "It wasn't a real wedding." "It was about a little girl wanting to believe in something." "I want her to believe in something, like that marriage is sacred." "Do you have any idea what kind of role models your daughter has?" "I get it, you don't respect David and Bryan's relationship." "No." "It's you and me." "Both of our marriages completely tanked." "And your mother didn't even bother." "And now you've got her here with these two parading around, playing house, writing their own rules, defying laws of science and morality." "With role models like this, things can only go one way for Shania, and you think I'm trying to hurt her?" "I am trying to protect her." "That's great, Nana." "But I need to protect her from you." "Go home." "Fine." "I will go back to my hotel." "I would rather pay for my booze than drink champale out of a size-12 ballet slipper." "No, not to your hotel." "Go home, Nana." "Pack your bag, get on a plane, and go back to Ohio for good." "Do you think I would just walk out on my family?" "I'm not your mother." "I am never walking away." "I love you." "I love Shania." "You know, since the day you were born on that porch," "I have done nothing but put your needs ahead of my own, and then your daughter's, and this is the thanks I get." "Lamb sliders are gay." "I'm going to have a hearty meal at the chick-fil-a." "I want to go." "I miss chick-fil-a." "No." "Okay." "Calm down." "Hey, sweetie." "Can I come lie with you?" "Sure, just don't shower me with sunshine." "I'm not ready for my melancholy to leak out just yet." "I'm sorry your heart hurts, but the next time love comes knocking, don't be afraid to open the door, okay?" "Mom, did you let me have that fake wedding so I'd learn a lesson from it?" "No." "But why didn't I think of that?" "You're so much wiser than your years, monkey." "I get that from you." "Actually, I get lots of good things from you." "I know you're always looking out for me." "Makes it so I'm not afraid to fail, even at stuff that seems a little weird, like pretend weddings." "Or like the time you wanted to start your own line of deep-fried jewelry?" "I still think there's something in that whole "stylish and delicious" area." "Do you know how lucky I am that you're mine?" "You're the greatest mom ever 'cause you set the best example..." "Thank you, baby." "Of what not to do." "I'm not going to have sex or get pregnant, and I'm definitely gonna go to college and someday become the most venerated volcanologist ever." "That's just a placeholder." "Dreams can change." "Just make sure you never stop dreaming." "Okay, I'm going to leave you with your melancholy." "Why, Wilbur?" "Why?" "Announcer:" "Disaster is still looming..." "I was calling you all day." "You could have picked up." "I was too depressed to answer." "Even after her extreme weight loss," "Teresa still thinks she looks huge in all those dresses." "Why can't Teresa forget about her past?" "Why can't Teresa just have her day in the sun?" "Get up." "We're going for Chinese food." "I have to see how this ends." "Spoiler:" "Teresa says yes to the dress." "David, don't be glib!" "They don't always find the dress they're looking for." "Why are we here?" "You promised me dumplings." "There's something I have to do." "It'll only take a minute." "I don't like being in your office after dark." "It feels like there are ghosts." "Ghosts of patients who couldn't understand their co-pay and died talking to their insurance company." "Hi, Bryan." "Pretend like I'm not here." "There's something I want to ask you, and I could only do it like this." "David, stop it." "What's going on?" "Just give me a minute." "You doing okay?" "Yeah, I'm great." "You do you." "There." "Hold it right there." "Steady." "David." "David, look, you can see his or her tiny, little fingers." "What are you doing?" "Is it my birthday." "I wanted to do it like this, in front of our baby, so that one day, he or she could say, "I was there."" ""I was there when my daddies got engaged."" "There was this, moment at Shania's fake wedding when I looked over at you, and the tears in your eyes were real." "I always knew how important getting married was to you, but it wasn't until that moment that I truly understood what commitment meant." "We're having a baby, Bry." "This is our family." "You, me, and that kid." "Forever." "Family is the ultimate commitment." "Getting married, it just seems..." "I don't know, easy." "But you don't believe in it." "But you do, and I believe in us." "Bryan Collins..." "My God, it's happening." "Will you do me the honor of being my husband?" "Yes." "Shania, honey, I know you're disappointed that the wedding didn't happen, but you know when I'm sad," "I like to do something called "eat my feelings,"" "and I'd like to share it with you right now." "What's that?" "Well, when you feel sad, you just eat stuff until you're not sad anymore." "It's really healing." "Try it." "Yeah, really get in there." "I mean, who needs boys when you can have sugar?" "You know?" "He wasn't that great anyway." "It's okay, honey." "Just keep eating."