"( bombs whistling )" "( explosions )" "Liebchen, when you kiss me, the ground shakes." "Either you've got it or you haven't." "But you... but you must return to the Luft Stalag." "Colonel Hogan sent me on a reconnaissance mission, but I've nothing to report... so far." "( bomb whistling )" "( explosion )" "Now what's gone wrong?" "I don't know, Major." "The transmitter was functioning." "Yeah, but obviously not the receiver." "Good thing it wasn't loaded with explosives." "Possibly it's the shock of the air raid." "Some of those bombs fell pretty close." "Sir, it is my opinion we ought to find a more controlled area to continue the testing." "All right." "We're risking security, but we'll have to chance it." "We'll set up shop at Stalag 13." "( dog whining )" "I'm out of gas." "Pick me up on your way back, will you, Klaus?" "( sighs )" "Danke." "Bitte." "Eh, lovely evening." "Lovely." "If I would be in bed instead of having to walk around in the middle of the night, it would be lovely, but..." "Newkirk?" "The fence is over there, and you are here." "By George, you're right." "I must've taken a wrong turn." "( grunts )" "An attempted escape!" "I have to report you." "All right, but don't forget to put yourself on the report, Schultz." "Jawohl, Herr..." "Report myself?" "You are a sergeant of the guard, you know." "It does not matter." "Better to be on report than have Klink send me to the Russian front." "I never thought about that." "Well, I suppose you'd better turn LeBeau in while you're about it." "LeBeau, too?" "!" "Yeah, he's right up there behind the tree." "Stay where you are!" "Right, Schultz." "LeBeau!" "I'll get you, LeBeau!" "Come out with your hands up!" "Newkirk!" "I should never believe you, Newkirk!" "Newkirk!" "Ooh, now, wait a minute." "LeBeau is not there, you are not here..." "The time has come for me to say nothing!" "Nothing!" "LeBEAU:" "What took you so long!" "( all talking at once ) Are you joking?" "You get lost?" "Come on!" "I'm not joking." "That's quite a mission." "You were gone 12 hours." "And two roll calls." "Reconnaissance takes time!" "I've been dodging Krauts all day." "Some of 'em got pretty close." "Yeah." "One of 'em even kissed you." "That's lipstick!" "It sure is." "Colonel, I request that the next reconnaissance mission be a double date!" "She must have a friend." "That's only fair." "What'd you find out, besides her phone number?" "Well, there's nothing new in the village, but on the way back, I really had a shocker." "Her husband chased you?" "I saw a baby tank without a driver." "Remote control by radio." "And they're going to test it here." "They're not going to test a tank here." "You're making that up." "Remote-controlled tank." "That could give the Krauts a big edge." "Kinch, get that information off to London." "Right." "Tell them we'll get further information as soon as possible." "Newkirk, tell us more about it." "Come on, give." "Well, it's small and very, very fast." "It carries one gun and the armor is..." "Not the tank, stupid-- the girl!" "That is the girl." "Now the tank's an entirely different affair." "Didn't Newkirk say two officers and a civilian were working on that tank?" "Those could be the guys, Colonel." "Let's make sure." "Is the coffee pot to Klink's office working?" "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "It's fully operational und at your service." "Just a simple "yes"" "would have been sufficient, Kinch." "Yes, Colonel, the final testing for this weapon has been hampered by Allied air attacks in this area." "I see." "I see." "So you would like to continue your work here, because they never bomb a P.O.W. camp?" "That is correct, Colonel." "Gentlemen, Stalag 13 is the toughest P.O.W. camp in all of Germany with the highest efficiency rating in our military establishment." "It is not a scientific laboratory." "I have signed orders from General Burkhalter." "However, it can be turned into a scientific laboratory just like that." "Good old Klink." "Always ready with a definite maybe." "Can you turn the volume up, Kinch?" "Can't go any higher." "With Schultz in there, all that blubber absorbs the sound." "What will you require, Major?" "Does your sergeant hold a clearance for classified information?" "I know nothing!" "Sometimes I even forget who we are fighting." "Most of the time you're fighting me!" "He's all right." "Very well." "I'll need an isolated building large enough to house a small tank." "We have our own tools and equipment." "Let me see." "Uh, uh, uh, Building 12-- wh-what's in there, Schultz?" "Herr Kommandant, powdered milk, eggs and cases of beer." "That's not important." "Beer is not important?" "Move it somewhere." "I could store it in my barracks." "I don't care what you do with it!" "Just get Building 12 ready for these officers!" "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant!" "At once!" "Beer is not important?" "Carter, watch the door, huh?" "All right, now, let me have your attention." "Klink is giving them Building number 12, right here." "You'll notice our emergency tunnel runs right past it here." "Right past it?" "That's 50 feet." "Which we can dig in no time at all." "Coming right up in the middle of little old Building 12." "Oh, flipping digging." "This war is turning me into a coal miner." "Wrong attitude, old chap." "You're letting the team down." "We've got a problem, Colonel." "How do we dispose of the dirt?" "One thing at a time." "Kinch, what kind of stationery do we have-- the official stuff?" "We've stolen from every Kraut officer that ever walked into this camp." "Gestapo, Luftwaffe, Quartermaster," "Army Intelligence..." "Hey, you know, if the Krauts ever run short of stationery, they can always ask us." "Door." "Prisoner of War Administration blank?" "Loaded." "HOGAN:" "Good." "We're in business." "Kinch, take a phony memo." "Right." "To commanding officers, all P.O.W. installations, greater Germany." "Big brain." "A right old genius, that's what he is." "Intelligence sources reveal that British and American P.O.W. camps are maintained with great efficiency and physical attractiveness." "Not to be outdone by the enemy, the Prisoner of War Administration announces a contest..." "Hey, that's great." "To find the best-kept P.O.W. camp in Germany, for the prize of 1,000 marks to the winner." "The Inspector General of this bureau to be the final judge." "Beautiful!" "Uh, in case of a tie, will duplicate prizes be awarded?" "Let's not overdo it." "Hey, how's this going to help us with the tanker?" "All in due time." "Carter, I want you to volunteer for the housecleaning detail tomorrow morning." "Get into Klink's office." "Yes, sir." "Kinch, type that up with all the official code numbers and the rest." "Right." "How do I sign it?" "Oh, uh, put a general's name on it." "General..." "Why not make it General Nuisance?" "Very good idea." "Sign that "General Heinrich von Nuisance."" "* La, la, la, la, yellow cards *" "* Bum-da-bum-bum- bum-bum-bum *" "* And there is the white cards, and... *" "Carter, what's doing there on the desk?" "Nothing, Schultz." "Did the big shot leave any cigars around?" "I don't think so." "Headache he leaves around, but never cigars." "( humming )" "Oh, achtung!" "At ease." "Carry on." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "Good morning," "Herr Kommandant." "Mach schnell!" "What are you doing, Carter?" "Oh, sorry, Schultz." "You think I am a filing cabinet, Dummkopf?" "Schultz, get Colonel Hogan in here right away." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant!" "I better take him with me." "He's liable to dust you." "Out!" "SCHULTZ:" "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant!" "What did you do?" "You know, that is unhealthy." "I could catch some sickness or something." "Colonel Hogan, I have a plan for the beautification of Stalag 13." "Beautify Stalag 13?" "Why?" "Why not?" "This place is like a country club now." "I can do without your sarcasm at this hour of the morning." "According to the Geneva Prisoner of War Convention..." "I know, I know." "You are not required to do such work, but, uh... there is no rule against voluntary employment." "First rule for a soldier:" "never volunteer for anything." "Sometimes rewards are given for volunteering." "Forget it." "Very well." "I don't have the manpower for this project, but, uh, I'll make due." "Sir?" "You're not going to have your own men do this job, are you?" "Dismissed." "What kind of reward did you have in mind?" "Uh-huh." "Second thoughts?" "Second thoughts are sometimes best." "Now, your men have been stealing coffee from our Red Cross packages, and I want it stopped." "Granted." "Half hour more electricity in the barracks every night." "Granted." "Extra ration of potatoes on Sunday." "Every other Sunday?" "Granted." "We'd also like permission to enlarge the rec hall." "What for?" "Some of the fellas are jitterbugging, and there's not enough room." "We had two head injuries last week." "Very well." "That'll fit into our improvement project." "We'll need some tools to reset the foundation." "Very well." "Draw the necessary supplies and start at once." "Thanks, sir." "Colonel, when we get the camp beautified, don't you think those guys in Berlin ought to give you some recognition?" "Like an award or cash prize of some kind?" "Not a bad thought." "I'll suggest that to the P.O.W. Administration, very discreetly, of course." "Oh, of course, very discreetly." "LeBEAU:" "Ping-pong's a French game." "NEWKIRK:" "It's English." "LeBEAU:" "No, it's French." "All right, men, come on, quiet down, let me have your attention." "LeBeau, watch that door, will you?" "Look, we start digging right away-- two hour shifts." "We form a line leading from the emergency tunnel up through the trap over to this window." "Carter, you and Newkirk will handle the wheelbarrows." "You'll alternate with Pedalski and Wilson." "I want you to take the dirt over to the rec hall and pile it near the foundation." "You got that?" "Affirmative, sir." "Must you be so official?" "Kinch, I want you to start digging around the rec hall..." "Right." "so that the dirt from the tunnel looks like it belongs." "Get a detail to help you." "Right." "LeBeau?" "LeBEAU:" "Yes, sir." "I want you to be the security guard outside the window." "Start working on something so it looks like you belong there, huh?" "Right." "Any questions?" "I'm glad it's all clear." "Don't just stand there." "Your P.O.W. pay is piling up in Washington." "Close the window!" "Schultz!" "Hey, Frenchie, what is this?" "I don't know, but as soon as it grows up," "I'm going to eat it." "Eat it?" "Oui." "I will clean it, boil it, saute it with some garlic." "Maybe it's poisonous." "Chopped onion." "Chopped onion?" "And a dash of..." "A dash of what- what-what-what-what?" "And a dash of wine to bring out the flavor." "Mm!" "I hope that it's not poisonous." "Please, save me some when you're finished." "Okay, Schultzy." "Yes, Herr General, he has had full cooperation." "Of course you know our Stalag 13 efficiency." "What?" "It's news to you." "Oh, you have a great sense of humor, sir." "Yes, sir." "The Major?" "Oh, he's right here." "I'll put him on." "General Burkhalter." "Heil Hitler, Herr General." "Guten Abend." "Yes, sir, we're doing very well." "Got all the bugs worked out of it, we hope." "Day after tomorrow?" "Yes, Herr General." "I think it's possible." "Yes." "We'll have everything in readiness." "Hmm?" "( chuckles )" "Thank you, sir." "You're too kind." "Auf Wiedersehen, sir." "He's coming here day after tomorrow with some very high brass for a test on the radio tank." "Major, did he tell you to say auf Wiedersehen to me?" "No, I don't think he did." "I see." "Uh, Major?" "At the end of the conversation you forgot to say "Heil Hitler."" "See, this detonator works on contact." "Now, it only takes a few pounds of impact to set the bomb off." "Like, if I were to drop it to the floor..." "Hold it." "I believe you." "Oh, I wouldn't do it." "Just save it for the tank." "Colonel, we did it." "What?" "We finished the tunnel." "Directly under Building 12, right on the mark." "About six feet to go." "We can cut through the floor tonight, as soon as the Krauts knock off work." "Hey, congratulations, fellas." "To all of us." "And tonight we can go in and finish off that little monster." "Not tonight, Josephine." "You fellas aren't aware of it, but the civilian Kraut sleeps in there." "Well, if not at night, when, sir?" "Lunch hour, tomorrow." "The three Krauts go to the Officers Mess, then they take a little snooze." "We'll have about two hours in all." "Is two hours enough?" "That's all we've got." "Kinch, Newkirk and I will take pictures of the tank and the controls." "LeBeau, you be the lookout at the window." "When do we plant this?" "Soon as we're through with the pictures." "You wait in the tunnel." "Now, just a minute, sir." "What's the procedure if something goes wrong and the Krauts surprise us in there?" "There's one in every crowd." "Geronimo!" "( whisper ):" "Geronimo!" "All right, let's move out." "( whispers ):" "Watch the window." "Newkirk, take..." "Colonel." "Control box." "Receives its impulse from the transmitter." "We'll have to open it up." "Ah, that's going to mean taking it out." "Right." "Hurry it up." "Krauts!" "Burkhalter and a couple of generals." "It's lousy with Krauts there." "It's not too healthy in here, either." "All right, easy, everybody." "LeBeau, what are they doing?" "Looking over here... talking." "Probably means they're going to test it." "Kinch, wire the control box back in." "You kidding?" "There's no time." "They're coming this way!" "All right, both of you, back in the tunnel, and take the control box with you." "Take it with us?" "Fast!" "Wait, LeBeau." "What?" "Did you ever drive a tank?" "Well, once..." "Good, glad you're experienced." "Get in." "You're just the right size." "Get in there!" "Look... that thing steers it." "The rest you can figure out as you go." "But, Colonel, I...!" "Drive carefully." "The lives you save may be our own." "Now, Colonel?" "I thought I told you to wait in the tunnel." "Hmm." "Here it is, Generals." "Small but deadly." "Small but deadly." "Is it ready to be tested?" "All we need to roll it out of here is 20 minutes." "That's what I would estimate:" "about 20 minutes." "Thank you, Klink." "Gentlemen, I cannot stress enough the importance of this weapon." "If it works, you can easily imagine how such a radio-controlled tank will improve our efficiency in certain combat situations." "Definitely, definitely." "This project has been underway for more than a year, and I can tell you that the Fuhrer himself is anxiously awaiting the report of today's tests." "But we won't disappoint him, will we, Herr General?" "No, but I may disappoint you to the Russian front if you don't shut up." "Whenever you are ready, we are." "Can we be ready in 20 minutes?" "Of course, Major." "Get some guards and help us roll it out of here." "Check the antenna." "Colonel." "Hogan, what are you doing here?" "You know that our prisoners were confined to the barracks." "I told him, Herr Kommandant!" "But I was just wondering..." "Just one moment." "I see no reason why Colonel Hogan shouldn't watch a demonstration of German efficiency." "KLINK:" "B-B-But this is classified, Herr General." "He isn't going anywhere with the information, is he?" "Of course not." "Uh..." "No one has ever escaped from Stalag 13." "So you have told me." "Yes, sir." "And told me." "And told me." "Yes, Herr Kommandant, I remember." "Schultz!" "Start the engine." "Did he say, "Start the engine"?" "( engine starts )" "Proceed straight ahead." "Did he say "proceed straight ahead"?" "Circle to the right." "Imagine that, circle to the right!" "And now circle to the left." "That's marvelous." "It even circles to the left!" "I said it's marvelous!" "Even circles to the left!" "I heard you!" "Stop it." "Stop it." "Did you say something to me, sir?" "I did not." "Oh, oh, I thought you said "stop!"" "So far, very good, Major." "Very good." "Thank you, sir." "Now I would like to see if it is capable of maneuvering in a limited area." "We'll try, sir." "Uh, sir, may I suggest running it between the barracks?" "That is a limited space." "Excellent suggestion, Hogan." "Good, good." "Excellent, mm-hmm." "Major, carry on." "Proceed between the buildings." "Imagine that." "Between the buildings!" "( doors creak )" "It's attacking!" "( cannon fires )" "( loud crash, explosion )" "Well, fellas... think it's back to the old drawing board." "The pictures of the tank came out fine, Colonel." "Good." "Control box and negatives on the way to England, sir." "Underground's handling it." "Mission accomplished." "KLINK:" "Hogan!" "Achtung!" "Well, Schultz isn't here, sir." "( grunts ):" "I just spoke to General Burkhalter." "He accuses me of negligence because his car was destroyed." "That's terrible." "And he's demanding that I pay for it." "What a shame." "Now, you and your men will work around the clock beautifying Stalag 13." "How's that going to help you?" "I intend to win that prize." "I'm not going to pay for that car out of my own pocket." "I don't have that kind of money." "Okay, fellas, back to work." "Be most happy to help you out of a jam, Colonel." "Thank you for your cooperation, Hogan." "Dismissed." "We have to go on working?" "Well, that's great." "Only until Kinch types the letter." "What letter?" "From the Prisoner of War Administration canceling the contest." ""(End of Episode)""