"Zuruck to the Barracken." "Don't you know no one is allowed outside after roll call?" "Schultz, I was just going into town to get some beer." "Now, I'd have been back by, say, June." "July at the latest." "Wise guy." "You could have been shot and-and-and everything." "Yeah, yeah, and everything." "Ja, ja." "What's the matter, Carter." "Having trouble with our genial host?" "Colonel, they just brought something big in camp, and the goons are all worked up about it." "Goons?" "Nothing personal, Schultz." "Jolly joker." "Something big, huh?" "Let's have a look." "Anybody order a piano by mail?" "LEBEAU:" "Number three torpedo ready, sir." "( Hogan whistles )" "Got enough guards around, it must be important." "Ah." "That is bigger than a piano." "It's even bigger than a breadbox." "Maybe it's some kind of a new secret weapon." "Now, why did they bring it in here?" "Well, they know it's safe." "The Allies won't bomb a prisoner-of-war camp." "No, you see, that wouldn't be cricket." "Hey, gang, what about if we find out what it is, and if it's important enough, we get London to bomb the camp?" "That would be great." "Carter..." "Out." "Schultz says I might get shot." "That's right." "These orders of General Burkhalter place Stalag 13 and my command at your disposal." "Yes, Herr Colonel." "Major Hauser, may I inquire what your mission is?" "It is top secret, sir, and, uh... before telling you," "I want your assurance of absolute security." "You have it, sir." "This very office is more secure than any room in the headquarters of the fuhrer himself." "So, I can assure you, Major Hauser, you may speak with absolute security." "Your secret will not go beyond these walls." "HAUSER:" "Thank you, Colonel." "Turn the volume up, Kinch, will you?" "I can't." "Somebody's been using this thing to make coffee." "Don't you guys know a coffeepot from an amplifier?" "Shh." "Listen." "HAUSER:" "The equipment you refer to, Colonel, is a new type V-bomb, fully armed with a highly volatile explosive." "I have been ordered to bring it to the coast, obviously for use in targets against England." "That's fantastic." ":" "Fantastic, Major." "You sure this is a one-way tap?" "HAUSER:" "The bomb is to remain here for two days until the new launching pad is ready." "I can assure you, sir, it's absolutely safe." "Thank you for your cooperation, Colonel." "I shall mention you in my report to General Burkhalter in Berlin." "No, that won't be necessary, but, uh... just in case, my name is spelled with a "K."" "What a hambone." "A V-bomb, huh?" "Kinch, let's get down to the tunnel and call a submarine." "Hello, Mama Bear." "Hello, Mama Bear-- This is Goldilocks." "Hello, Mama Bear." "MAN:" "Come in, Goldilocks," "This is Mama Bear." "Little Miss Muffet has a big new tuffet that goes boom." "Little Miss Muffet moving tuffet 48 hours." "Goldilocks requesting permission to make tuffet go boom before move." "Over." "Hands off Miss Muffet's tuffet, Goldilocks." "Stand by for our next installment, 12 hours." "Over and out." "You mean we got to wait 12 hours to blow that thing up?" "What's the matter, Kinch you double parked?" "We couldn't get near it, Colonel." "We never had a chance." "They guard it like the ruddy Bank of England." "Maybe we could tunnel up to it, Colonel." "If we could take a turn in Tunnel Three and we come up through our wine cellar..." "Are you mad?" "Disturb that wine we just put in there?" "Chateau Lafitte must have rest in the beginning." "Americans." "Hot dogs." "Beer." "All right, all right, knock it off." "Colonel, the sub just sent this." "Thanks, Kinch." "They're sending a team, four men." "They'll be dropped tonight at point M-l4 at approximately 2100 hours." "Three commandos and a Dr. Schneider." "A doctor?" "Scientist." "Sub says he needs a minimum of ten minutes alone with the rocket to look it over and take pictures of it." "Well, just how do we get four men in here, Colonel?" "It would be easier to send them the bleeding bomb by parcel post." "Four men, huh?" "They've really tightened up on security." "What's Klink trying to prove, anyway?" "He's trying to show that major from Berlin how tough he can be." "All right, so he's tough." "He deserves a prize." "Wait a minute." "Wait one minute." "We'll give him a prize." "How about something nice, like a broken leg?" "May I assist?" "No, no prize, a medal." "Colonel Klink is going to be Kommandant of the Year." "Stalag 13 is going to be in the top ten, prison camp-wise, that is." "Just the diversion we want." "We need a medal." "What are the boys in the iron shop doing?" "Making hand-grenade paperweights." "Every third one is live." "Gestapo men all over Germany are getting a real bang out of their mail." "Forget about the paperweights." "We need an ornate medal-- a... a German eagle clutching a prisoner of war by the throat." "But friendly." "Get 'em to work on it." "Okay." "We also need a scroll." "Make it nice and big and fancy, curlicues and stuff." "Make it baroque." "You mean like cupids." "Why not?" "Cupids never hurt anybody." "Okay, cupids." "Kinch, make contact with the sub." "Right-o." "Lebeau, tell the print shop we need some orders from Burkhalter to Klink." "Orders?" "Now, how are we going to get them to Klink?" "A magician like Newkirk?" "He could pick your pockets wearing boxing gloves." "I've been that way since birth, you know." "By the way, is this your coin?" "Give me that." "I found it a little earlier." "There you are, mate." "I'm sorry about that." "You are a..." "I'm too small." "I didn't see him." "I couldn't help it." "Herr Kommandant, Colonel Hogan requests permission to see you." "Later, Schultz." "I have no time for him now." "Herr Kommandant, Colonel Hogan requested me to tell you it is urgent." "Really?" "Tell me, Schultz, which Colonel is running this camp, Hogan or me?" "I sometimes wonder." "Me, too, Herr Komman..." "I am the Colonel who will sign your transfer for the Russian front." "Boy, are you running the camp." "Send him in." "Colonel Hogan, I am very busy today-- dispatches from Berlin." "What is it?" "I'm here to make a complaint on behalf of my men." "Oh, a complaint." "Not sufficient entertainment, perhaps?" "No, you're funny enough." "Or the food you take from German mouths." "I suppose you will prefer some wine or some caviar?" "Matter of fact, I'm very fond of caviar." "I don't want to have you go to any trouble, but if you should happen to be near a post office when they transfer you to the Russian front..." "Who said I was going to the Russian front?" "You heard something, Hogan?" "I hear lots of things." "Like my men complaining about that thing sitting out there on the truck, containing highly volatile explosives." "That, Colonel, is none of your business." "Well, according to the Geneva Prisoner of War Convention," ""Prisoners of war shall not be subjected to unusual danger."" "Page five, Chapter three, Section four." "I will decide what is dangerous and what is not dangerous at Stalag 13." "Colonel Hogan, I'm a very busy man." "You're dismissed." "Yes, sir." "Hogan, wait." "I can't believe it." "A dispatch from General Burkhalter." "I have been named Kommandant of the Year." "Kommandant of the Year!" "Ja." "And Stalag 13 will be among the top ten prisoner-of-war camps in all of Germany." "I didn't know they took a poll." "Nobody asked me." "Congratulations, sir." "Danke." "A Colonel Schneider and his staff will be awarding a medal and a scroll." "A scroll." "That's pretty fancy." "Probably even have cupids on it." "Schneider." "Colonel Schneider." "I don't know any Schneider on Burkhalter's staff." "Oh, Germany's just crawling with Schneiders." "Very common name." "Yes, I know, but..." "I once knew a George Schneider in Chicago." "He was a butcher." "Had a thumb that weighed a pound and half." "Wilhelm Klink, Kommandant of the Year." "Has a good, nasty ring to it, sir." "And why not?" "I worked hard to get this." "I deserve it." "Stalag 13 should be in the top ten." "Colonel Schneider will arrive tomorrow." "A formation of the command..." "Sir, request permission for the prisoners to parade?" "Granted." "After all, you belong to us, too." "Just a simple ceremony, presentation of the awards, and then back to the routine that made us famous here at Stalag 13." "After your acceptance speech, of course." "Acceptance speech?" "Oh, nothing elaborate." "Just a half an hour, 40 minutes." "Just the essentials." "But I'd leave out the ugly incident with the Munich police, if I were you." "They never pressed changes." "I'm a soldier, not a politician." "I will not talk for 30 minutes." "20." "Split the difference." "Talk for ten minutes, just the highlights." "Do you really feel it's necessary?" "Don't you, General Klink?" "I know what you mean." "Colonel Hogan, this is against regulations, but would you care for a little schnapps in celebration?" "Thanks." "And what does it say in your little Geneva book about that?" "Well, let's see." "Schnapps?" "Here it is, page five, Chapter four, Section one." ""Only the good stuff."" "( chuckles )" "All right, you got everything?" "Map, walkie-talkie." "Oui, Colonel." "All right, what's the identification code?" "Hello, I am the Big, Bad Wolf." "And they must answer, "We are Little Red Riding Hood."" "It's terrible." "No imagination." "If you wanted to be a writer, go into Special Services." "All right, hurry it up and be careful and good luck." "Big Bad Wolf calling Red Riding Hood." "Need your position." "Come in." "Come in, Red." "Hey, Red Riding Hood, stop fooling around." "I'm waiting at M-14." "Where are you?" "Goldilocks to Big Bad Wolf, what's the problem, Wolf?" "Can't find Little Red Riding Hood, not at M-14." "Need help." "Carter, tell Schultz one of our men is missing." "Went over the wire." "Right, Colonel." "Hey, Schultz!" "Schultz!" "Schultz, come here." "Schultz, the Colonel just took count." "There's a man missing." "He went over the wire." "Not so loud." "You are waking everybody up." "I thought you might want the credit." "Oh, yeah." "Danke." "Achtung!" "Achtung!" "Prisoner went over the wire!" "Report made by Sergeant Schultz, serial number zwei, sieben, ach... ( bell ringing )" "( barking )" "What took you so long?" "Ecoutez-moi." "Commandos-- four parachutes." "( whistles )" "Comprenez?" "Okay, find them." "Find them!" "Commandos!" "Ah, come on, you call yourselves guard dogs and you can't find four lousy commandos?" "I'm ashamed of you." "( dogs whining )" "( barks )" "Little Red Riding Hood calling Big Bad Wolf." "Come in, Big Bad Wolf." "Come in." "Any luck?" "No, it's dead." "Perhaps you can do something with it, Dr. Schneider?" "No, no, no." "We didn't use walkie-talkies at Cal Tech." "( dogs barking )" "Somebody's coming." "( dog whining )" "Dr. Schneider, I presume." "Don't move, you're covered." "I know it's hard to believe, but I'm the Big Bad Wolf." "Little Red Riding Hood." "I suppose that's rather hard to believe, too." "I'm Corporal Lebeau, Stalag 13." "How do you do?" "LEBEAU:" "What happened?" "The wind blew our chutes away from M-14 and the radio got smashed." "Write down what I tell you." "Oh, may I see you a little closer, please?" "Stand natural, please." "No, hands at your side." "Thank you." "15½." "15½." "What's that for?" "German uniforms." "You're going into Stalag 13 tomorrow in a staff car." "32½." "32½." "You like a belt or suspenders?" "Suspenders." "Figured." "41½." "41½." "Kamerad!" "Kamerad!" "Nicht schiessen!" "Come on." "Start barking." "You want them to think you're pussy cats?" "Colonel Schneider?" "I'm Colonel Klink." "It is a great honor and privilege to welcome you to Stalag 13." "Danke Schoen, Klink." "My officers:" "Captain Hockenburg," "Lieutenant Brauer, Lieutenant Smith... berg." "Gentlemen, perhaps a little refreshment before the ceremony, hmm?" "Jawohl." "Excellent." "So far, so good." "Oui, but I wish we had more time." "Why?" "Schneider's uniform needs a little work around the collar." "On behalf of General Burkhalter and the Supreme Command, it is my pleasurable duty to award you, Wilhelm Klink, this medal as Kommandant of the Year." "( men cheer )" "In addition, Colonel Klink, it is my privilege to award you this scroll, designating your command, Stalag 13, as one of the top ten camps in all Germany." "( men cheer )" "Speech!" "Speech!" "Speech!" "Bravo!" "Bravo!" "Bravo!" "Bravo!" "( clears throat )" "As I look upon the sea of smiling faces before me," "I'm reminded of a story..." "Once upon a time, there was a little boy who lived in his home town of Dusseldorf." "He was a handsome boy, well liked by his fellow students at the gymnasium, but he had one little problem-- he was not a very good student." "He could not pass his examination for the law, for medicine, not even for bookkeeping." "So, one day, his father said to this little boy," ""Son," he said, "you are obviously good for nothing else, so why don't you join the army?"" "( laughs )" "Friends and enemies." "( all laughing )" "Where are you going?" "Just going to see the rocket." "Oh, how nice." "What?" "I'll be right back in just a minute." "I see nothing!" "Nothing!" "He came to see me play my first soccer game." "By the end of the half, it was evident..." "Hogan." "Oh, Colonel Hogan." "Schneider?" "You put it right there, and when the bomb explodes, the concussion will fire the rocket." "It is teamwork that wins the war." "( all cheering )" "We've only got a couple of minutes." "Make it quick, huh?" "Right." "And so I want to thank each and every one of you for your cooperation, and I hope that in the future we may continue to work together." "ALL:" "More!" "More!" "More!" "Good?" "You're a smash!" "Give 'em a little bit more, as long as you got 'em warmed up." "Tell 'em about the time you stole the girl away from Goering at that party." "Come on." "It's going over with a bang." "One night my good friend Field Marshal Goering brought a lovely fraulein to our officers...." "Oh, Major Hauser." "I-I-I was just admiring your rocket here." "I worked on the original model." "...at the end of the evening, she even asked me..." "Klink is a fine officer, but hardly a great speechmaker." "My feelings exactly." "Allow me to show you my baby." "Oh, some other time, Major." "It will only take one minute." "That's all we have." "In closing, I am reminded of another little story which might be appropriate at this occasion." "It happened in 1938..." "Actually, sir, the new type has many built-in safeguards against accidental firing." "This device here, for example, you cannot turn it to the alert position unless all systems are in working order." "Here, let me show you." "...as though nothing had happened, and we returned safely to the base." "I can even press the firing button with complete safety." "What happened?" "I think one of your rockets is missing." "Colonel, it is a catastrophe!" "It is a catastrophe, Colonel!" "This is a catastrophe!" "My medal is missing!" "Don't worry, Colonel." "We'll make you a new one." "The entire reputation of Stalag 13 is destroyed." "Colonel Schneider is on his way to Berlin." "He will report to General Burkhalter," "Major Hauser will confirm the report." "Ah, all is lost." "Oh, cheer up." "You still have me." "Herr Kommandant!" "Not now, Schultz." "The Russian front at this time of year." "I'm catching cold already." "It's very important." "I said not now, Schultz." "Look, you could always say the rocket was aimed at England." "Major Hauser got a little loaded and pushed the button." "Do you think a board of inquiry is going to believe...?" "They might, they just might, it's such an impossible lie." "That's the best kind." "Thank you for your suggestion, Colonel Hogan." "What are you doing here?" "I never went away, Herr Kommandant." "This is from Berlin." "It is very hot!" "I told them not to bother me with these things." "No!" "You said aimed at England, huh?" "Mm-hmm." "For your information, half of the airfield of Hamburg is missing." "Destroyed." "I must see Major Hauser at once!" "Maybe he has a better lie than yours." "Another day, another rocket." "You said England." "They made a big hole in Hamburg." "( clucks tongue )" "Naughty, naughty." "What could I do, Schultz?" "My aim is terrible when I'm in a hurry." ""(End of Episode)""