"Start the drip on that iv." "Nurse, when you get a chance, come here." " Get me a bottle of O-positive blood." " Yes, sir." " Suture scissors." " Scissors." " 4-0 silk." " 4-0 silk, Keith." " Beautiful stitching, Frank." " Thanks." "You used to do baseball gloves, right?" "Just ignore him, Frank." "Come here and hold this back for me, please." "Got enough shrapnel to make a 9 iron." "That's 12 fragments so far." "This guy's a walking junkyard too." " Are all these people Koreans?" " Now that you mention it..." "If you'd read the surgery schedule, you'd know they were." "The village of Taidong was shelled today." "They were probably asking for it." "Washing their babies, committing other acts of aggression." "I was in Taidong last week." "Forceps." "There's no enemy artillery anywhere near that place." "I insist on quiet in here." "Will someone please turn the war down for Frank?" "Hey, Trap." "Look at this." "Here we are, and here's Taidong, about eight kilometres south of..." " Henry!" " Eight kilometres south." "I'm listening." " You mind looking at Korea?" " Every single morning." "I've been here all these months, and sometimes I still wake up and wonder" ""What has my wife done to the bedroom?"" "Henry, this morning, the village of Taidong was shelled." "The only artillery unit anywhere near it was the 348th." " Which of them are they?" " It is not "they" and not "them"." "It is "us", the good guys." "We clobbered 'em." " Oops." " At least." "You wanna dig out the "oops" forms?" " Radar..." " Sir?" "Instant corporal." " You wanna get me the forms..." " Hold it." "This is a very serious charge." "You need some proof." "Let's not go off half-cocked." "Then let's go off all-cocked, but let's go off." "Get me the forms." " What forms?" " The ones he wants." "Oh, that Taidong thing." "Hey, just what we thought." "I checked with a guy in Artillery." "These fragments are as American as apple pie and napalm." "What was that about proof, Henry?" "I just want to remind you how thrilled the army is about people who rock the boat." " Women and colonels first." " We're not in the army." "That is, we're in the army, but we're not Army." "Little a, not big A." "Uh-huh." "You file that report and the army's gonna put your big A and your little a in a sling." " Radar?" " Sir?" " If you want me, I won't be anywhere." " Yes, sir." "Hawkeye?" "Here." " You got all the necessary forms?" " There's enough red tape to please anybody." " We want the army to take responsibility." " And full compensation for the village." " Are you making this report together?" " Why not?" "Afterwards we're jumping off lover's leap." " Boy, you sure got guts... sirs." " We know where to get 'em." "We're doctors." "You're the first officers I ever saw who would stick by their principles, no matter what." "Except for that colonel who reported the PX kickbacks." " What colonel?" " You know..." "Private Johnson?" "Attention, all personnel." "Due to circumstances beyond our control, lunch will be served today." "Before we start, how about a drop of the creature?" "I'm driving, so I'll just have a double." " This a new batch?" " The newest." " Dry enough for you?" " ls what dry enough?" "I tried a new filter system." "Charcoal and sweat socks." "OK, let's see here." ""Type of engagement - air strike, armoured attack, artillery, atomic..."" "Nice, huh?" "Multiple-choice disasters." "Listen to this. "In completing attached form 2759/6J12, delete printed reference to World War ll and substitute 'Korean Police Action'."" "This is surplus." "The least they could do is give our war its own stationery." "What do we gotta do here?" "I see the bar is open... again." "Pigpen." "Brothel." " Here, sir." " Yo!" " Where's my razor?" " Shaving your legs again, Frank?" "I don't think it's sophisticated to walk around with a beard." " You ought to try it." "Women love it." " I'll bet." "Really." "Come here." "Kiss me." " Caught ya." " At what?" " Making one of your obscene gestures." " Which one?" "You know, the one that..." "Frank." "Truce, OK?" "Truce?" "Last time we had a truce, I found peanut butter in my stethoscope." "We're gonna submit a report to Seoul about the shelling of Taidong." "We were the three surgeons on duty." "We all should sign it." "Are you guys loony?" "I'm not getting involved." "I'm not signing anything." "And I never knock any team I'm on." " Frank, I'm sorry, all right?" " For what?" "Everything, all of it." "The peanut butter in your stethoscope." " The ether in your aftershave." " Autographing my mother's picture?" ""Dear Frank, Dad was not your father."" " "Love, Mom"?" " We'll give you a blanket "sorry"." " Sign it for old times' sake." " For new times' sake." "I'm not making any waves." "Come on." "You can't turn your back on those people." "You operated on some of them." "I don't remember operating on anyone." "What about all this iron confetti you're saving for a souvenir?" "Give me those fragments." "You guys will not get me in Dutch." "One decent act." "If you don't like it, don't do it again." "Oh, go fish." "Attention, Pfc Lester Pasco will pay five dollars for a hot letter from home." "Colonel Blake?" "I don't start till nine." "Leave your name with my service." "Sir, this is your service." "Someone important is here to see you." " How do you know?" " He has a briefcase." "Come in." " Thank you." " You're welcome." "Sir, I'll take this stuff back to the laundry that made this terrible mistake." "Colonel, this is Major Stoner, adjutant inspector general." "Oh, my." "This is somewhat of a frightening honour." "I'm here because our office received a form 2759/6J12." "I can well imagine." "Look, why don't you just sit down here, Major?" " Thank you." " Make yourself..." "Just exactly what is a 2759/... whatever?" "I know it's too big for a shoe size." "This 2759 is a what?" "It's a request for investigation, filed by two of your surgeons." "Captain Benjamin Pierce?" "Hawkeye." " Captain John Mclntyre?" " Trapper." "Colonel?" " This matter is highly classified." " Classified?" "Not for everyone's ears." "Oh, sure." "The corporal's been thoroughly cleared." " I did it myself." " I beg your pardon?" " Didn't you fill out those top-secret forms?" " Yes, sir." " Didn't I sign where you told me?" " Yes." "Well, there you go." "Clear as mother's milk." "Are you clear, Colonel?" "Didn't we clear each other?" " Corporal?" " Yes, sir?" " Try "ma'am" once." " Yes, ma'am." "Sorry." " Where's Colonel Blake?" " With Major Stoner." " Major Stoner?" " Yes, sir." " Stand when you address an officer." " Yes." " Do I know anything about this Major Stoner?" " I don't know that you know anything, sir." " Where is Major Stoner?" " He's gone off with Colonel Blake." " Where's he from?" " Bloomington, Illinois." " What?" " The colonel's from Bloomington." "I'm from Iowa, which is quite a coincidence, when you think about it." " Where is the major from?" " He's from the inspector general's office." "Taidong!" "Let's go." "Continue to stand till I leave your sight." " lt'll be a pleasure, ma'am." " Sir!" "Yes, sir, ma'am." "Change the dressing." "Then she can go home." " Orders on the other two?" " Discontinue iv, start 'em on clear liquids." "Pierce?" "Pierce, this is Major Stoner, inspector general's office." "I'm here about your request." "An investigation of the alleged shelling at Taidong." " Alleged?" " Pierce..." "They look alleged to you?" "This woman was almost alleged to death." "Now, Captain, hold it." "Oh." "One of those "hold it" fellows." "I'm going ahead." "I don't care how much you threaten me." "You never threatened him, Major." "Come on." "Don't start that threatening talk." "I'm warning you." "Captain, I'm here to get this investigation rolling, and I'm counting on your cooperation." "I should tell you I admire the courage it took to report this incident." "Antipersonnel fragments." "Ours." "Full set of x-rays." " Complete medical profiles on the victims." " Gentlemen, this is a hospital." "These shrapnel fragments should be the clincher." " There could be a commendation for you." " No, just a simple honourable discharge and, say, 50,000 a year, tax-free." "But that's negotiable." " Colonel Blake?" " Major Houlihan, Major Stoner." " Major." " Major." "Major Burns, Major Stoner." " Major." " Major." " Major Pierce." " Major." "I think we've made a major breakthrough here." "I was on duty that day with Pierce and Mclntyre." "I was ranking surgeon." " You should have filed the report." " Uh..." " He was involved with a case." " lt takes a long time to filet a patient." " Where do I sign?" " The report was processed." "Needless to say, this is sensitive material." "Top secret." "Total silence must be observed." " Understood, Colonel?" " Oh, cross my heart." " Pierce, you'll hear from us." " Good enough." " Shall we?" " Yes." " Why didn't you let him sign?" " Let him?" "We begged him to." "We begged him to do the decent thing." " Frank?" " How do I know what the decent thing is?" "Clever the way the cook sculpts grease into the shape of lamb chops." "What are we eating?" "Don't ask me." "I only had a year of postmortem." " Can I get details from you?" " About what?" "Taidong." "I'm filing my own report on the number of wounded and mutilated." " I feel the more, the merrier." " Has a nice Genghis Khan feeling." " What does that mean?" " Nothing." " Welcome aboard." " Thanks." "Now, I send this right to Stoner, right?" "If you can reach him." "A week he hasn't come to the phone." " That's a long time to be in the bathroom." " He is an officer." "We made the papers." ""Taidong shelled." "The army revealed that the South Korean village of Taidong sustained damage and casualties as a result of enemy artillery attack."" " Enemy artillery?" " Any questions?" "I'm certainly glad the army straightened that out." "Now we know how Dreyfus felt when he read his story in Stars and Stripes." "Major Stoner?" "Yes, this is the 4077th MASH calling." "Hold on for Colonel Henry Blake." "You're on." " Colonel, how are you?" " Not too good." "I read your story in Stars and Stripes and my bellybutton fell out." "Who is this?" "Captain Pierce?" "No, Sucker Pierce and his sidekick, Huckleberry Dumbbell." "Look, Captain, I just got back from Okinawa, and the first thing that hit me was that copy of Stars and Stripes." " Frankly, I was shocked." " I would think you would be." "Pierce, I promise ya, heads will roll." "I'm going to the top on this one." "You'll get satisfaction." "The people of Taidong will be taken care of." "You have my word." " OK, Major." "Goodbye." " Bye." "Nu?" "The major happens to be the Korean distributor for crapola." "Gentlemen, I believe the ball is in our court." ""Dear Dad, you always said Senator Baxter was good for a favour because of all your work in the primaries."" ""Well, I got a favour that needs doing."" ""There's a village here called Taidong." "Or at least there was."" " Wanna play sardines?" " Sardines?" "My tent." "I'll bring the oil." " Hawkeye, can I see you for a second?" " One second." " What's up, Radar?" " I have this problem." "We give you these lectures, we show you these training films." "No, no, come on, listen, I'm seri..." "If a certain MD doctor around here sent off a certain letter to a certain male parent, not his mother, to get in touch with a certain senator about a certain favour," "he shouldn't be too certain that that letter didn't end up in a certain whole other place." "I didn't do it." "Your mail's being stopped at Division HQ." "That letter was between me and my father, dammit." "Hey." "I just got her." "Now I've gotta glue the arm." "Glue you." "What happened to personal liberty around here?" "Why do I bother to ask?" "I better just go to Seoul and tell this to the papers." " Or to Edward R Murrow, if he's in town." " Pierce." " What is it?" " I wouldn't try to leave camp." " I'm under arrest?" " I didn't say that." "You're restricted." " That means I'm under arrest." " Not at all." "You're only restricted up to the point where you're... where you're..." "You're under arrest." "What's happened to you?" "You sneak off behind our backs and enlist?" " You regular army now?" " Sit down, Pierce." "That's an order." " You're forcing me to stand." " Please sit." " That's an order I can take." " Now, just hold your bladder." "This poop sheet's just come in from General Clayton's office down in Seoul." "The army has started rebuilding Taidong." "It's gonna be better than it ever was." "All new housing, a temple, a town hall with inside toilets, a shopping centre and... they're getting the first soft-ice-cream stand in all of East Asia." " Well?" " That's terrific." "I'm glad." " Now, what about rebuilding the truth?" " The what?" "This is compensation." "Where's their admission?" "Soft ice cream is a pretty good admission." " Who are you calling?" " I'm going over your fly to General Clayton." " Radar!" " Why do you want to call the general?" "You got one out of two." "You're batting 500." " Radar!" " The general's on his way, Hawkeye." "I begged you not to call him." "Now he's on his way." " You broke the other arm." " And I broke the other arm." " I broke..." " Here's the glue, sir." "You can't get arms." "Pierce, Mclntyre." "Nice to see you taking it easy." " No wounded, huh?" " Except for us." "That sense of humour." "Disgusting." "Look at them, sucking up to the general." " Henry" " General." "Say, how would you, just to get it started, like a little refreshment?" "Wanna slip into your barbecue apron?" "I mean a drink." "How would you like a drink?" "As kind of an icebreaker?" " I don't think that'll be necessary." " I don't, either." "What'll you have?" " My usual." " Comin' up." "One sherry and ginger ale." " All right, men." "Let's talk Taidong." " We get the feeling that your people are pouring manure on this, hoping something beautiful will grow." " You shouldn't say "manure" to the general." " If the shoe fits..." " There is that." " We've been getting double talk in triplicate." " Unanswered calls." " I saw the plans for the rebuilding." " Censored mail." " Inside toilets, soft ice cream." "Makes you feel the whole war is worthwhile." " Hope that's OK." "More ginger ale?" " That's fine." "Just bring the check." "We're doing everything we can for these people." "We've awarded a contractor a $6-million rebuilding deal." " That's a fair price for a $2-million job." " About $100,000 per head we knocked off." "Hold it, fella." "The other guy did that." " lt was a North Korean attack." " lt was in all the papers." "We operated on a lot of those casualties." "We got x-rays, medical records." "We've even got shrapnel fragments." " You've got 'em all." " We gave them to Major Stoner." "Stoner?" "Stoner?" "Oh, yes, yes, he's doing a bang-up job for ComServPac in Honolulu." "Put all your fragments in your ComServPac and smile, smile, smile." "Look, boys, a little fatherly advice." "You're not regular army." "You think you'll leave here and pick up your civilian practice and that's that." "Listen, everything they put on your record, like "agitator", "boat-rocker", is going to follow you." "The army's got mighty long arms." " Come on." " Let me finish, Captain." "I was just gonna suggest that." "You find your work here difficult, distasteful." "But you are back here, behind the lines." "It's relatively calm." "Definitely." "I was thinking of building a house here after the war." "You could easily find yourself assigned to a first-aid station, where it's happening." " You serious?" " I'm getting pressure from above." "Look, let's play ball." "For the good of the outfit." "You don't wanna give the red, white and blue a black eye, do you?" "Boy, that gets ya right where ya live, sir." "I gotta hand it to you." "You buried the evidence, got rid of the man who knew it, and if we press this, you'll take our breathing privileges." " Well done, General." " Take another star out of petty cash." " General Clayton, we'd like to see you, sir." " Not now, ladies." " I got a stake in this, too." "I won't be left out." " Fair is fair." " Major Burns was on duty that day." " I was." "I pulled shrapnel out of those poor villagers." " Luckily, he saved those fragments." " Under my pillow." "The fragment fairy will reward you." "Go on." "No need to." "This matter is closed." "They're getting a brand-new temple." "It's never even been prayed in." "I also have these x-rays and documented medical records." "Go, Frank, go." "Commendation never entered my mind when I reported this terrible but human mistake made by a few of our own brutal but well-meaning fighting men." "The signed affidavits are by Major Burns and by myself, who was also there." "This requires a little rethink and re-evaluation." "We re-agree with you, General." " Henry, get me a driver." " Certainly." "The general's driver's waiting, sir." "Even the army has to take its lumps." "I guess this is one of those times." "Sir?" "We'll send you this after our story's in Stars and Stripes." " Page one this time." " Not on page 14 under pro station addresses." "All right, I'll tell you what." "You write it up, I'll get it printed." "Your gun, sir." "Oh, you forgot your driver!" " Aren't they something?" " I love 'em." "Take her." "He's mine." " Get away from me!" "Stop it!" " You leave her alone!" " You leave me alone!" " Frank, you know you love it." "Pierce, you are a degenerate person." "Hawkeye." "Hawkeye, you busy?" "Just changing a tyre." "What is it?" "This letter came special delivery." "I thought it might be important." " With your luck, you've been drafted." " Hold this, nurse." "Hold your own nurse." "I'm busy." "All right, read the letter." "I wanna close the peritoneum." "Gimme 3-0 chromic Gl." " Are you ready?" " Yeah." ""May 24, 1951."" " "Dear son..." It's from your father." " Good guess." ""I'm afraid Senator Baxter can't be of much help to you."" ""lt seems he was just indicted for influence peddling and faces 20 years in the pokey."" "There's more. "Sure makes me sorry I stuffed the ballot box for him." "Love, Dad."" "Visiontext Subtitles:" "Tram Nguyen Zelniker" "ENGLISH"