"TESSA:" "We were excited about our first Halloween in Chatswin." "Maybe more excited than we should've been." "Hi, neighbor!" "Ha-ha." "That's my tombstone?" "What killed me?" "It started as a lump under your arm." "I urged you to get it looked at but you, you said it was nothing." " And then four weeks later..." " Four weeks later?" " I told you to get it looked at." " Okay, thank you." "That's enough." "You're good at Halloween." "TESSA:" "I was." "But growing up in the city, I never had a chance to shine." "Halloweens were scary in a different way." "Trick or treat." "Yeah." "There's been a murder here." "I'm gonna have to ask you to leave." "Ha-ha." "Murder?" "Wow, you guys went all out, huh?" "TESSA:" "So the idea of a Halloween drenched in fake blood instead of real blood was pretty appealing." "We need realistic arterial spray, not amateur hour." "I should cut your head off for that." " You're all talk." " I'm all talk, huh?" " Aah!" "Aah!" " Here we go." "Ah." "Ha-ha-ha." "Any final words?" "Yes." "I'm not afraid to die." "I've lived in Chatswin." "Hey, buddy." "What's going on?" "Nothing." "Gonna cut Tessa's head off with my new guillotine, but I have no follow-through." "Gory stuff." "Yikes." "Have you cleared any of this with the Neighborhood Association?" " You have to clear decorations?" " It's Halloween." "Yeah, but the Neighborhood Association has to approve any changes to the town aesthetic." "It can be a total drag." "It's like: "Argh."" ""Quit coming down on me with your rules, the Neighborhood Association:."" "But then again, Chatswin always wins the award for Most Uniform Houses." "That's not nothing." " Next to nothing." " I'm putting up decorations." " Are they gonna fine me?" " Yes." " Fine me." " Don't pretend like you have disposable income." "Let me help you put this in the garage." "Talk to Dallas." "She's head of the N.A. Maybe she'll bend the rules for you." " I knew Halloween here was gonna suck." " Hey, over my dead body." " What killed you, by the way?" " It started as a dry, persistent, cough." "TESSA:" "If these suburban idiots wanted to make a mockery of Halloween then I'd have to find a costume that made a mockery of them." "Misty?" "TESSA:" "Inspiration?" "Courtesy of Misty." "And her nasty old hair Bumpit." "I decided to go as a tacky-ass suburban girl so naturally, I bumped it." "KIMANTHA:" "Oh, my God." " Oh, my God." " Oh, my God." " Oh, my God, oh, my God." "Couldn't help but notice you bumped it today." "So what, skank?" "It's part of my costume." "I found it in my room." " It used to belong to..." " Misty." "Yes." " How did you...?" " Know?" "Not as impressive, but yes." " Who's Misty?" " Misty used to live in your house." "She used to bump it, she used to wear velour sweat suits with high heels." " Why won't this locker open?" " That's Misty's old locker." " Weird." " Yeah, it is weird." "It's very weird, especially considering what happened to Misty." "What happened to Misty?" "Nothing." "[TESSA GASPS]" "I love a good laugh as much as the next guy "Kick me" signs, prank calls, but this is in bad taste." " This is?" " I'd like to see you in my office." "Mr. Wolfe used to see Misty in his office." "[BELL RINGS]" "Oh, hey, George." "Did you stop by to help string up some smiley faces for our annual Jaunty, not Haunty, Carefest, not Scarefest?" "No." "I wanna know how I am supposed to enjoy Halloween if I can't put up a normal, run-of-the-mill guillotine on my lawn." "A guillotine?" "Oh, my goodness, no." "Well, that kind of scary far exceeds our acceptable limit." "It's fine for East Chatswin where they have self-service gasoline and only one yogurt shop." " Now, that's scary." " But it's Halloween." "And this place looks like the gumdrop fairy threw up all over Lollipop Town." "Yeah." "He must've eaten too many gumdrops." "Ha-ha." "Whatever this is, it's not Halloween." "George." "Honey." "You know, George the parents in Chatswin have gone to considerable financial lengths to create a community to protect our children." "So why on God's green would we go around and scare the bejoozies out of them?" "But you're not protecting them." "You're warping them." "You know what scares me?" "Is a 15-year-old girl dressed as..." " What are you?" " A slutty mushroom." " Of course you are." " Looking good, shiitake." "Where are the zombies?" "And the witches and the mutant zombie witches?" "You are robbing these kids..." " ...of harmless, spooky fun." " Fun?" "No one likes to be frightened, George." "It just makes people cry and scream and pee my pants." " Wow, you are really sensitive." " I am." "I have always been this way." "And the tiniest little thing can set me off." "Bats, mice, twins, triangle eyes." " Like on a pumpkin." " I feel bad for you, Dallas." " You have no idea what you're missing." " Ignorance is bliss." " Beg pardon?" " No one's talking to you, Bliss." "Just making a point." "She is ignorant." "I expect more from you, Tessa." "Impersonating a former Chatswin high student is inappropriate." "Especially considering Misty's fate." "Her fate?" " What happened?" " She's dead, Tessa." "Misty went to a better place." "So I'm living in a dead girl's room." "That's right, Tessa." "Not so funny now, is it?" "Lisa, why didn't you tell me I was living in a dead girl's room?" "I can't go if I know you're standing there." "I'm not leaving." "Okay." "Misty was new to Chatswin, just like you." "We were in homeroom together, we liked chunky sweaters." "She was my best friend." "You're my best friend." "But then, Misty got LASIK eye surgery." "And after that, everything changed." "Like she totally had lost sight of who she was and I really need you to leave now so I can pee." "Uh-oh." "I'm turning on the water." " It sounds like a stream of..." " Okay." "Okay." "All right." "I was hurt and angry and I just wanted Misty to disappear forever." "And then, one day, she did." "[TOILET FLUSHING]" " I thought you couldn't go if I was here." " I went during the flush." "So then what happened to Misty?" "How'd she die?" "I don't know." "But I'm worried." " Why?" "Because I'm dressing like her?" " No." "Because you bumped it and you're using her old locker and you're throwing around lots of 'tude like Misty..." " Lisa, this is redonk." " And you just said "redonk!"" " That's what Misty used to say." " What are you trying to say?" "I am trying to say that is it near All Hallows Eve and that the spirit of Misty is trying to possess you." "Oh, I get it." "You're supposed to be a lunatic." "I'm a ladybug." "[KNOCK ON DOOR]" "George?" "GEORGE:" "Come in." "George." "Yeah." "I'm in the living room." "I got your message, and I don't wanna be rude but I think any more talk of this guillotine of yours is a huge waste of time." " Hey." "Come on in." "Sit down." " Oh." "I don't have time." "Steven's out of town and I need to have the housekeeper order dinner." "Come." "I got a picture of a lollipop." "You gotta check this out." "What kind of lollipop?" "[SCREAMS]" "Oh, Dallas." "You okay?" "No, I am not okay." " I'm sorry." " Why would you do this?" "What is wrong with you?" "I thought I'd throw you in the deep end, show how fun being scared could be." " Does it look like I'm having fun?" " Sorry." "Rest here." " I'm gonna get you ice." " Who let all these bees in?" "Okay." "Rest, but don't fall asleep." "TESSA:" "I don't believe in ghosts I'm not superstitious." "My first kiss was under a ladder." "But to be honest, the whole idea of sleeping in a dead girl's room was starting to freak me out." "[DOOR CREAKING]" "[GASPS]" "Dad?" "You're still awake." "Yeah." "What are you doing up?" "Ahh." "Couldn't sleep." "So listen, I don't wanna disappoint you but Halloween out here is gonna suck." "So no luck with Dallas, huh?" "Not really." "And I almost killed her trying." "Ha-ha." "Dad, do you ever wonder..." " ...who lived here before?" " Yeah." "What lunatics..." " ...would buy squishy toilet seats?" " I mean if someone died in this house they would have to tell you before we moved in here, right?" "Depends." "On what?" "If they were murdered." "[LAUGHING]" " You didn't hear anything?" " No." "Nothing." "Good night, sweetheart." "TESSA:" "Like a doctor in the ER, George refused to let it die." "One final attempt to convince Dallas we should have a scary Halloween." "Come on, Dallas." "Where are you?" "Holy crap." "Oh, my Lordy, George." "Did I scare you?" "No." "I mean..." "No." "You just caught me by surprise." " I did scare you, didn't I?" " Okay, maybe a little, yeah." "You should've seen your face." "I thought your eyebrows were gonna pop off." " Well, you just came out of nowhere." " Pop, pop." "That's what it looked like." "This is fun." "See?" "What did I tell you?" "Scaring people can be fun." "But being scared isn't." "Okay, look, I'm sorry about the head injury." "Those are for me?" "But if you give me another shot, I promise to deliver harmless, scary fun." "So, what do you say?" "TESSA:" "I was determined to find out what happened to Misty." "Even if that meant going to the Chatswin Country Club." "Ho just died." "Sucks." "Before she died, Misty was super funny." "Why?" "Because she called everything redonk?" "[GIRLS LAUGHING]" "LISA:" "It's happening again." "We are not losing our only friend to Dalia." "I have other friends." "[GIRLS LAUGHING]" "Well, I don't." " What is with these people?" "DALLAS:" "Okay, George." "I'm in my ready-to-be-scared clothes:" "Aah!" "Yes, you are." "Okay." "We have the classics here." "The Exorcist, The Omen and Rosemary's Baby." "Pick your poison." "Can't we just watch Sex and the City, the sequel?" " No." "We're trying to scare you, not me." " Okay, well then how about the one with the cute baby?" "Great." "But just to warn you, the cute little baby is the devil." "Ha-ha." " Then The Exorcist." " The little girl is the devil." " The Omen." " Little boy's the devil." " Okay, just pick one." "Surprise me." " Okay." "First time I saw this, I didn't sleep without a crucifix for a month." " Okay." "You ready?" " Ready." "As long as I can have squeezing privileges." "Squeeze all you want, just no nails." "[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING OVER TV]" " Look." "They're optional." " Oh." " Now I'm scared." " Okay." "Thanks." "Popcorn?" " Uh..." "Sure." " Oh." "Oh!" "I gotcha." " Oh, very, very impressive." "Not bad." " There's more where that came from." "If you really wanted to scare me, you should've put those blue nails on here." " They would've popped right off." " Oh." " I love it." " Ha." "Look how cute that is." "What the...?" "George?" "Misty has you in her grip." "There's only one way to free you, Tessa." " If you still respond to that name." " I do still respond to that name." "That's my name." "We're performing an exorcism." "Tonight." "We don't have a lot of time." "Hoarders comes on in an hour." " Why's he dressed like a pimp?" " I'm the guy from Run-D.M.C." "He's a reverend." " The best I could do on short notice." "LISA:" "Don't engage her, Malik." "She's being a bitch because she's possessed by Misty." "Right, Misty?" "[IN SCARY VOICE] Right, Lisa." "[LAUGHS]" "That's not funny." "Aah!" "[LAUGHS]" "What do you think?" "[PANTS]" "My palms are sweaty, my heart is racing." "I think I'm gonna die." " It is really enjoyable." " See?" "Can we please have a scary Halloween?" "And can I grease up my guillotine and let some heads roll?" "Okay, yes." "Go for it before it's too late." "I'm gonna send off a quick e-mail to the Neighborhood Association..." " ..." "let them know I said okay." " Dallas thank you." "I'll kill you last." "I appreciate that." "I have dinner plans tomorrow." "[CLEARS THROAT]" "[THUMPING]" "Dallas." "Uh-Oh." "Sounds like there's a scary thing at the door." "Better defend myself." "[DOOR UNLOCKING]" "GEORGE:" "Aha!" " Who are you?" " Who are you?" "Who am I?" "Officer Breen?" "Hey, hey." "Hey, it's Steven Royce." "How are you, you son of a gun?" "Hey, I'm on the phone." "No talking, okay?" "Don't be rude." "Yeah, I'm trying to find out if I had a break-in or not here at the house." "You didn't." "I'm with Dallas." "What?" "What do you mean?" "I'm not with Dallas." "I'm here with Dallas, at the house." "This is my house." " Fine." " I have a very strict no-shoe policy." " Why are your shoes on?" " Dallas didn't mention the shoe policy." "Steven, you're home." "And I see you met our new neighbor, George." "Hello, Steven." "Welcome home." "What's with the shoes?" "I'm sorry." "I really appreciate your concern for me, but I'm not possessed." "Look:" "That's as far as I can move my head." "[DOORBELL RINGS]" "Hey." "Trick-or-treaters, I should go." "Tessa if you can hear me, lie down on the table." "Whatever." "She can still hear me." "When you guys are done, do you wanna go get froyo?" "[CHANTING IN LATIN]" "Cut the crap, Misty, you little bitch, and go back to hell where you belong!" "[DOORBELL RINGS]" "Can we please pause the exorcism so I can go give these kids their candy?" "I'd rather not." "I feel like we have some momentum." "[POUNDING ON DOOR]" "WOMAN:" "Open up!" "I know you're in there!" "Wait." "I know that voice." " Who's there?" "WOMAN:" "It's Misty, ho." " I wasn't expecting you until tomorrow." " I came home a day early because I wanted to rush home and see my beautiful wife." " Oh." " May I kiss you?" " You may." " Yes, I may." "Okay." "Mm." "Mm." "Good to be home." "So how did it go?" "Did you close the account or land that big thingy or whatever?" "I have no idea what he does." "But he's the best at it." "Doesn't care as long as it keeps her in Gucci." " This isn't Gucci." "STEVEN:" "What then?" " It's Cavalli." " Cavalli." "That's..." "That's the thing about Dallas." "She knows how to put an outfit together." "I'm gonna grab my stuff." "Why does he have stuff?" "Tessa, don't." "Don't do it, don't do it." "I mean it." "MISTY:" "I drove all the way from Paramus!" " Paramus, you guys." "MALIK:" "No." " Don't..." "TESSA:" "Opening." "LISA:" "No..." "TESSA:" "Happy Halloween." "MISTY:" "Trick or treat, losers." "I used to live here." "Misty, I thought you were dead." "Lisa, still redonk, I see." "Aah!" "Oh." "That's stings." " What is that, you pimp?" " Holy water." "It's ginger ale." "Sorry." "Wow, my bedroom is so much uglier now." "Thank you." "I still don't get how you're alive." "Your parents said you went to a better place." "Yeah, I did." "A better place is a remedial school in New Jersey." "Wow." "I didn't realize that you were that stupid." "Should've said something." "But why would Mr. Wolfe say that you were dead?" "To him I am." "I did really bad on my standardized testing, you guys." "And he didn't wanna besmirch Chatswin's educational record." "Besmirch." " Great word, Misty." " And way to use it correctly." "Aw." "Thanks, you guys." "Thanks." "Anyway, I guess it was just easier to say I went to a better place than to say I went to "a better place." Heh-heh." "But now that I'm not stupid any more my parents said it's okay if I come back for trick-or-treating." "LISA:" "Oop." "Uh, that- MISTY:" "Excuse me." "LISA:" "That's nice." "I think she just stole your nail polish." "TESSA:" "She could take the nail polish, that was fine." "I was just secretly relieved she didn't ask for the cat clock back." "Because just like the suburbs on Halloween it had kind of started to grow on me." "So sorry." "That was weird." " Was that weird?" " No." "Not at all." "I could tell Steven really liked you." "From the way he punched me in the face?" "Yeah, I know." "I'm sorry." "Are you okay?" "Cavalli, huh?" "Yeah." "So..." "Happy Halloween, George." " Oh." "Happy Halloween!" " Oh!" "[BOTH LAUGH]" " Bye." "GEORGE:" "Ha-ha-ha." "Bye." "He's got a goatee, huh?" "[SPOOKY VOICES OVER SPEAKERS]" "Well, George, I think we did it." "Oh, yeah." "This place looks great." "Oh, your March of the Venomous Spiders idea?" " Nice touch." " Pssh." "Oh, stop." "You're too kind." " You're supposed to be an executioner." " Oh, hey, kids." "Ha-ha-ha." "Happy Halloween." "Mwa-ha-ha." " You want candy?" "GEORGE:" "Nice costumes." " Hey, guys." "WOMAN:" "Hi." " Hi." " All right, kids." "Don't go yet." "There's more." "You ready?" "TESSA:" "Yeah." "GEORGE:" "Prepare to meet thy maker." "[ALL SCREAMING]" "What, this?" "You're scared of this?" "[KIDS SCREAMING] [GEORGE  TESSA LAUGHING]" "Happy Halloween." "[GEORGE LAUGHS]" "Ah..." "You are really good at Halloween." "Oh." "I'm the best." "[English" " US" " SDH]"