"We got a big man here." "He's a two-star general." "Take away their skivvies and they all look like PFCs." "A brigadier had a star tattooed on his chest in case he bumped into anybody in the shower." "What was a general doing on the front lines anyway?" "This one, he's a fighting general, you know?" " In that case, the least we can do is save him." " If you insist." " Hey." " What?" "Oh boy, very shocky." "Push the plasma." "Gimme 100 milligrams of hydrocortisone and give him IV." " It's empty, Doctor." " Empty?" "Get another one." " It's the last one." " What are you talking about?" "Keep pushing the plasma." "Get me some O-negative blood, on the double." "Hurry up." "He's out of danger." "Get Spearchucker to finish him up." "But don't tell him a mere captain saved his life." "He might not pay his bill." "Whoever screwed up on those orders - somebody's gonna get it." " You wanna know where?" " He should be hung up by his thumbs." "I'm old-fashioned." "I'm all for slipping him a pint of castor oil and locking him in a closet." " Who are you talking about?" " Whoever ordered the supplies last month." "It just so happens I signed that requisition, McIntyre." "Well, you almost lost us a man, cos this was empty." "Well, that's not my fault." "I certainly had hydrocortisone on my list somewhere." " Here, here, here it is." " I heard that." "You have no right to blame Major Houlihan." "That hydrocortisone was hijacked before it ever left Seoul." " It's those vicious black marketeers." " Yeah?" "So where are the MPs?" "They're supposed to do something besides direct traffic and rinse their gloves." "The army is aware of its responsibilities." " A truck just pulled up with replacements." " Well, why didn't you say so?" "Frank's gotta stop every five minutes and do a commercial for your friendly American war." "They're insufferable." "Last night I had a dream." "They both broke their jaws and had to have their mouths wired shut." "Sorry I'm late." "I got stopped by an MP roadblock." " They're checkin' everybody." " The area is crawling with hijackers." "Whoops." "I bet you don't know what kind of wood this is." " It's oak." " Nope." "It's oak." "Just look at it." "It's 100 years old if it's a day." "This is what a man needs, far from the security of home." "Roots, solidity, strength." " Henry." " Don't do that." " We're in big trouble." " I'm sorry about that." "Hey, how do you like my new desk?" "Your new desk?" " We just lost 200 vials of hydrocortisone." " Well, what do you want from me?" "We want you to call General Hammond in Seoul right away, demand some action." "I couldn't do that." "Henry, we have got to have that stuff." "Gimme the Fourth Convalescent in Seoul." "I want to talk to General Hammond." "Try him at the officers' mess." "It's urgent." "I'm well aware of that." "I mean, I am a doctor too, you know." "Henry, that's your high-school diploma." "Well, don't you recognise my voice yet, you knucklehead?" "This is Colonel Blake." "Off the desk." "Yeah, hello, hello." "OK." "Colonel Blake?" " General Hammond." " There's a coincidence, him calling me right now." " Hello, General." " What do you want?" "Well, you called me, sir." "I called you, huh?" "Didn't I tell you to stay away from that home-made stuff?" " Black market." " Off the desk." "No, sir, I'm sorry." "Now, what I wanted to talk to you about was the black market." "What did you want to say about it?" "Well..." "It's terrible." "What I mean is, they knocked off our supplies again." "Could you send us another batch of hydrocortisone?" "Now listen, Henry." "I don't give a hoot in hell if you do have somebody that can bring us Bob Hope for Christmas." "The 4077th got their allotment for the month." "Now, that's all you get." " But, General..." " I'm a busy man, Henry." "I've got an important meeting this afternoon with MacArthur." "Oh." "Yes, sir." "Goodbye, sir." " I tried." " That was trying, huh?" "We can't bother the general with this sort of thing." "He has a meeting with MacArthur." "Well, we gotta do something and be brilliant." "If we can't out-black-market the black market, we don't deserve the illustrious reputation we've tried so hard to achieve." " Any luck?" " Top pocket." " Charlie Lee?" " He's your man." "He's the biggest operator in Seoul." "He has an office behind a bar that's owned by Madam Koo." "I signed out a jeep for you." "It's outside." "Make sure nobody steals it down there, huh?" "Thanks, Radar." "I'll be back later to pump out your stomach." "Hey, we gotta hire somebody to watch the jeep." "I mean, with all this black-market action, you know, they're like piranhas." "You got a good thought there." "But you didn't get it fast enough." " They must have worked a pit stop." " I hope they choke on the tyres." " Mr Lee?" " To you, Charlie." " I'm Hawkeye Pierce." "He's Trapper McIntyre." " And a terrific surgeon too." " He's checked us out." " You got the best rep in Southeast Asia." "Listen, I don't like to bring it up, but..." " Come on, Charlie, what is it?" " I've been getting a grab right around here." " A little tightness there?" " Yeah." "Lean over your desk." " Right up here?" "Does it run down the arm?" " Yeah, right." "You know what that is?" "Tension." "Pressures." " How's everything at home?" "Any trouble?" " Fine." " Business OK?" " Yeah." "Charlie, you should take maybe long weekends, huh?" "Try some golf." " Have a drink before dinner." " It'll help?" "Well, it wouldn't hurt." "Hey, I love that sweater." "Alpaca." "For Charlie Lee, nothing but the best." " Very nice." " Now, what can I do for you fellas?" "Well, I'll make it short and sweet." "There's been a heist." "Two shipments of medical supplies." "There's a lot of call for that." "We don't mind the rest, but they cleaned us out of hydrocortisone, and that we need, bad." "Oh, I'm sorry." "We made a deal this morning." "The stuff goes for $10,000." "10,000 bucks?" "Tell you what" " I shouldn't do this." "You meet that offer and I'll kill the other deal." " Where are we gonna come up with that?" " We'll give it to you in trade." "Free hospitalisation." "Appendix operations, nose jobs." "In my organisation, we already have a health plan - including retirement benefits." "We'll swap you something." "We can get our hands on all kinds of equipment." "There must be something you want." "I bet he gives a year's guarantee on parts and labour." "This is only the showroom." "The real stuff is in the warehouse." "Look, fellas, I'd like to go along with you, but I'm a businessman." "If there was just something you had I could use." "You know what, Charlie?" "There is." "Something there's only one of in all of Southeast Asia." "A very special item that would enhance this office and give it what it cries out for:" "prestige." "A man of your importance shouldn't be behind a puny piece of furniture like this." "The moment somebody walks in that door, they should know they're in the presence of nothing but the best." "You should have something at least 100 years old." "Something that represents dignity." "Roots, solidity." "A genuine, American, antique desk." "When Henry sees those stars, you'll have to fight him off." " Which way to the desk?" " In there." "Henry will be the one with the furniture polish in his hand." "Sir?" "Sir, there's a general to see you." "General Lee, our commanding officer, Colonel Blake." "So grand to meet you, Colonel Blake." "We didn't have any luck in Seoul, but the general was kind enough to drop us off." " He's on an inspection tour." " You tell truth." "Well, anything I can do to make you comfortable, sir." "I don't suppose you'd care for a little refreshment this early in the day?" "Depend on what you have." "In my place, we have nothing but the best." " Oh, General, nothing but the finest, sir." " Oh, if it's good stuff, I know." "That's why we can't be too careful these days." "Oh, no, no, no, no." "You can't be too careful." "Well, here we go." "A little hair from the dragon, as it were." "General." "Cheers." "Lechaim." " You have nice office." " Thank you." " Handsome desk." " Oh, you know quality." " If I were to tell you about this desk..." " Tell him, Henry." " Yeah, don't leave out a thing." " I bet you don't know what kind of wood it is." " Oak." " Nope." "It's oak." " Handmade." " And handmade." "Know what that means?" "Not made in Japan on assembly line, huh?" " Right." " Tell me, Henry, just out of curiosity, how did you get a desk that big into this office?" " Oh, the top comes off." " Ah, the top comes off." "Move this vehicle." "This space is for ambulances." " Now, wait a minute, Colonel." " I'm a major." " Wanna be a colonel?" " What do you mean by that?" "Oh, forget it, forget it." "Wanna buy a good watch?" "Cheap." "14 carats, Swiss movement." "No, I don't wanna buy any watches." "Wanna sell one?" "Pay top dollar." "You get this vehicle outta here." "I don't want to see it or you when I come back." "You gave me the straight poop." "The hydrocortisone for the desk." "I'll have the truck in front of this building at 0600." " OK." " But the desk better be here." "Because if it's not, the truck takes off and I sell to my other buyer." "It'll be here." "I don't know how you guys gonna pull this off without anybody getting wise." " That makes two of us." " Three of us." "They're up to something." "That general's aide..." "What kind of a man wears wristwatches on his leg?" "We should tell the colonel." "They can wrap Henry around their little fingers." "We must have evidence." "Something that'll get 'em court-martialled and behind bars for 20 years." "Oh, Frank, do you think you could?" " It's 0500." " OK, thanks." "Get lost." "Hey, come on." "We gotta get movin'." " I was just having..." " I don't care who you were having." "Let's go." "Come on." "These things were really built to last." "It's that lousy good craftsmanship." "Why didn't they make things like they do today?" " Margaret." "Is that you?" " Frank?" "I thought I heard a noise." "I was just checking to see if..." " Funny, isn't it?" " What?" "Us... you, me... meeting like this." "Oh, Frank." "May I say you look very lovely, the way the flashlight catches your hair." "I just washed it." "It must look a mess." " It's beautiful." " Thank you." " Margaret..." " Yes?" " Thank you." " For what?" "For being you." "You know what I love most about you?" "Tell me." "Your lobes." "They drive me wild." "Oh, be wild, Frank." "Be wild." "I'd like to slip into something more comfortable." " Like what, darling?" " The supply tent." "The supply tent, yes." "Yes, yes." " I think I'm gonna be sick." " That may have turned me off permanently." "Well, at least we know the colonel's liquor's safe." "We're locked in." "How does a guy who's so bad with a needle always know right where to jab us?" "I don't know." "Radar better have the key to this vault." " Nope." " Hurry up." "The truck'll be here soon." "All right." "I think we just passed "soon"." " What do I do now?" " Get your fanny out there and hold that truck!" "What good is that when we can't even get the desk out?" "Don't confuse me." "I can only handle one catastrophe at a time." "It's Radar." "I think we've stumbled on a whole syndicate." "My boss say "If desk not ready, cut out fast."" "OK, but my boss say "Please wait."" "Five minutes." "It won't cost you anything to give him a little..." "To give him a little what, Corporal?" "I said, to give him a little what?" "Some more duck sauce for his egg roll." "The colonel has to be kept happy." "You're lying, Radar." "I happen to know the colonel despises duck sauce on his egg roll." "Frank, you're absolutely right." "The truth is, sir, that this man is not a delivery man." "Actually, he's with the CIA and he's on a case at this very moment." "I see." "It so happens he looks fantastically like the man that tried to sell me a watch yesterday." "I'd like to get a good look at your legs." "Oh, one of those, huh?" "You get this truck off the base or you'll be showing your line of watches to the MPs!" "MPs?" "Yes, sir." "Maybe another time." "Got to solve big case." " You, get back to headquarters." " Yes, sir." "What are you two doing?" " Early Mass." " Mass?" "Where is Father Mulcahy?" "We started without him." "Forget it." "The truck's gone." "The major ordered him out." "Well, we can't carry this thing all the way to Seoul." "Get O'Brien." "All right, Frank." "You got me up, but you better have a good reason." "The cold facts are that I believe there are black stockings..." " marketeers operating on this base." " Black marketeers?" "On my base?" "My booze." "Where's O'Brien?" "My desk." "My beautiful, 100-year-old desk." "What's going on here, Frank?" "Pardon me, Henry." "Isn't that your desk?" "Yeah, that's my genuine antique desk." "Sending it out to be waxed?" "I don't know what it's doing up there." "It just keeps going up, up, up." "To a far, far better place, I'm sure." " 200 vials of hydrocortisone, as promised." " We'll make sure it gets to the right people." "You'll understand if we don't give you a receipt." "Just got a wire from the insurance company." "They say they're willing to pay off on my desk, as soon as I can give them a believable explanation." "Hey, have you got a relative who's a general?" "You know how it is, Colonel:" "we all look alike."