"Hello, this is josh." "I am unavailable." "I am too busy." "I am too busy for you." "(beeps)" "Yeah, hi, josh." "Um..." "I am aware that I agreed we wouldn't see each other again," "So this is slightly embarrassing." "What seems to be happening now though is I've had this little thought" "That what might be just wonderful is if I could in fact actually see you again." "Knowing full well that you have a boyfriend, so this is a selfish call." "I guess I've weighed up how selfish I'm comfortable being" "Versus how much I do in fact want to talk to you." "And I think what we're seeing now is I want to talk to you quite a bit." "I've had a pretty full-on headache all week and it's not looking optimistic." "It's a glass half-empty and the glass half-full part is my mum's tears." "I realize that makes me a far less attractive prospect" "Than your boyfriend and would advise against seeing me." "I have chlamydia." "Again?" "Again." "Okay." "So we're doing this today." "Yes." "Have you been to the doctor?" "No." "How do you know?" "I just know, okay?" "Okay." "Have you told ella?" "No." "How will you tell ella?" "Okay, so here's the thing" "Here we go!" "Here we go." "(laughing) here we go!" "So, before we had sex," "Ella did a very responsible thing" "Where she asked me when the last time I'd had a sexual health test was." "As you know, I've never had a sexual health test," "So I said, "last week."" "Here we go!" "(sighs) so here's what we're gonna do." "We?" "Yes, we're a team." "Like siegfried and roy." "No, not that type of team." "Like milo and otis." "You only have to take one pill, right?" "Right." "So I go to the doctor," "I get the medicine," "But I do not take it." "Like simon and garfunkel!" "I go to another doctor," "I get the second dose," "I take one, and then we sneak the other one" "Into ella's food and disinfect her." "Tom, that is crazy." "I admit as it came out of my mouth it did sound crazier than it did in my head." "All right." "I'm in." "Thank you." "* one, two, one, two, three, four * * ooh, ooh, ooh, * * yeah, I'll be fine, yeah * * ooh, ooh, ooh, *" "* ooh, ooh, ooh, * * okay, yeah * * ooh, ooh, ooh, * * oh, the good lord knows it * * ooh, ooh, ooh, * * oh, the good lord knows it * * ooh, ooh, ooh, *" "* I left better behind to be fine * * yeah, yeah * * make my momma turn another blind eye * * yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah *" "* I left better behind to be fine *" "Ben:" "Ben..." "Voicemail: ..." "Is not available." "At the tone, please leave your message." "(beep)" "Ben, hi." "This is josh." "Yeah, I'm a little bit offended" "That you're so surprised that you want to see me again." "Uh, and a little bit not sure what you're asking me, 'cause you're saying you want to see me again," "But then you're saying that you're in a hospital." "Are you asking me to see you again in hospital?" "(call waiting beeps)" "Mae!" "You never call me." "Yeah, well, also you never call me." "So whatever." "I need you to babysit grace tonight." "Yes!" "Grace wants to come visit!" "No, I'm making dinner for your dad." "I'm going to try and convince him to forgive me." "Just bring little grace and whatever hilarious, tiny outfits you have after 5:00 p.M." "Okay." "Thank you." "You need to drink more water." "I'm always telling you that." "I have nowhere to put it." "Why would they put it in a clear bag?" "Are you ready for a blood test?" "Yes." "Again?" "Yes." "The last doctor penetrated my penis." "He went inside my penis." "And then this doctor didn't penetrate my penis," "So I know that wasn't entirely necessary and I'm a little bit confused..." "(shushes) -..." "About what I've been through." "I'm going to sneak ella's pill into her tagine." "I've thought about it and I've decided it's fine." "We're having tagine?" "Yeah." "Well, can I at least pick the prettiest piece of parsley?" "Um, okay." "I'm done with feeling insecure when cool kids make me an espresso." "Screw them." "They don't get to make me feel insecure" "Just because they've got asymmetrical hair!" "Ladies, ladies!" "Hello, mae!" "Josh!" "I've been thinking about it and I'm sorry." "You're right." "I should have called." "Okay?" "Oh, it's okay." "I'm in a hurry." "I have to go." "No, no." "First, tell me how you are." "Oh, I'm such a mess." "Just so bad." "Josh, your dad is really punishing me." "Yes." "Let's have a dance." "(upbeat dance music plays)" "What?" "Oh." "No." "Ah, okay. (laughs) -(josh vocalizes)" "Okay." "What do you think, gracie, huh?" "Oh, okay." "Ah!" "(laughing)" "Okay." "Okay, you can go." "'kay, come on." "Go, go, go." "Give me the baby." "Okay." "Okay, gracie." "Okay." "Bye-bye." "Bye, gracie." "Oh, gracie, actually, you love me." "Actually, you love me, okay?" "How's it going?" "She won't leave the kitchen." "She's so fuckin' delightful." "Well, what do we do?" "I don't want to have" "Okay, I'll think of something." "Ella:" "Josh!" "The water's boiling over." "Well, take it off the heat." "Hi!" "You told me not to interfere." "Mm." "So, today I met this lady" "Who reckons that she kept a goldfish alive for 16 years." "Well, that just can't be possible." "Either it's bullshit, or she's a witch." "Oh, no." "She was a witch." "I met a witch and I fucked up." "How did you fuck up?" "What were you supposed to do with a witch?" "Magic." "So, guys, I have something to tell you that I've just been a bit too awkward" "To tell you about." "What?" "Um..." "So it's not a big deal, okay?" "It's disgusting, but it's not a big deal." "Yeah, what is it?" "I have worms." "Worms?" "Worms?" "Yes." "Why are you telling us this?" "You don't have to tell us everything." "Because if I have worms," "Then maybe they're in the house, their eggs are in the house," "And we all have to take medication." "How the fuck did you get worms?" "Yeah, I don't know." "Okay, I don't know how I got them." "How do you know?" "Like, what does it feel like to have worms?" "(claire laughs)" "I just..." "I just know." "You are fucking disgusting." "You are fucking disgusting." "No, it's normal." "Things like this happen." "There's no shame." "Yeah, really normal." "Tom, why are you okay with this?" "Why don't you have the decency to at least act as though you're grossed out?" "Arnold's being really quiet." "What do we have to do?" "Just tell me what I have to do to get rid of the worms." "Yes, we just all have to get treated 'cause otherwise they'll keep on living." "Oh, my..." "They live in the sheets." "We need to wash all the sheets." "We don't have to wash all the sheets, do we?" "Won't they be in the food?" "They're not in the food." "Why did you wait until the middle of dinner?" "You've held onto this all day?" "Yeah, sorry, josh." "I just don't think we can eat it." "Yeah, arnold's right." "We just can't eat it." "We can eat the food because we're gonna take the medication later." "Okay, yeah." "Tom, I need you to stop knowingly eating worm eggs." "Mm-hmm." "You are right, I probably should have the medication, but I don't." "I will go and get the medication as soon as grace leaves." "Oh, no, grace." "What are we gonna do about grace?" "Grace is fine." "No, you have to tell your dad that you gave her worms!" "I'll google what to do." "Great." "I will go and get the medication after dinner." "No!" "We're not gonna just incubate worm eggs" "For another few hours just so that you can have dessert." "Fine." "I'll go get you some cash for mine." "No, no." "No, no." "Tom, take this." "My shout." "Special treat." "Thank you." "Mm-hmm." "Oh, josh, could I please talk to you for a moment?" "Claire, too, actually." "Are you eating off the microwave plate?" "Aren't you impressed I found a clean plate?" "(sighs) we really need to wash some dishes." "I keep waiting for one of your manic episodes." "I put those moldy pots in the freezer." "That should hold them at bay for a couple of days." "Looks like you guys need a hand." "Stuart!" "Oh!" "What are you doing here?" "I wanted to come and apologize." "Uh..." "Apologize?" "I just want to say my piece." "I'd offer you a cup of tea, but we're all out of cups." "And solid bowls." "And enthusiasm." "You fucking dogs!" "Look, guys, okay, I hear you." "I do." "I just really think everything's gonna be fine." "All you had to do was put it in her food." "Yeah..." "No, that's the problem." "The method." "The method he is using to drug your girlfriend." "I'm a hero, okay?" "I've taken the most incredible fall for you." "You just couldn't handle the fact that I had the idea." "So you had to change the idea to suit you." "No, it's a good plan." "Worms is worse than chlamydia." "Is it?" "Is it?" "No." "Please, just tell her the truth!" "Because then arnold will find out and he'll realize what kind of people we are." "Do you actually have worms?" "Is this your sneaky little way" "Of putting your worms on my shoulders?" "I don't know why you two don't just date each other." "You make a beautiful couple." "16 years for a goldfish!" "Wow!" "Well, it's very obvious you guys are talking about me." "Definitely not." "Because I really don't think that I gave you worms." "Neither do we." "I'm sorry if I did, though." "No, I still think it's a good plan." "Me and hazel did split up," "But then her mum died." "She was so upset," "And, you know, I'm all that she has so I took her back." "I know that was a mistake." "I know it was unfair to you." "But I just couldn't bear to see her that upset." "It's very sad for hazel." "Yeah, it was very sad." "So, have you got anything else to say?" "Just that I'm sorry." "Well, that's done then." "No!" "Sit down." "Sit down." "I'm not a bad guy." "No. (stammers) I think you're fine." "We're finished." "You probably should go." "No, I'm not done." "I'm not going anywhere." "Stuart, you have to go." "How long are you gonna do this for?" "Until you forgive me." "All right." "What are you doing?" "Come on." "I'm not going." "No, come on!" "I'm not done, rose." "Come on!" "Oh!" "I just want you to forgive me, rose." "I forgive you." "That was insincere." "Oh, I forgive you!" "(sighs) you're really starting to bother me now, rose." "I'm not a well man, you need to be very careful here." "(phone rings)" "Hello, this is josh." "I am unavailable." "I am too busy." "I am too busy for you." "(beeps)" "Josh, uh..." "At the point" "(sighs) to be honest, at the point when I was accosted" "By your awful voicemail greeting," "I hadn't resolved my intentions as well as you might have liked." "Now it seems I've made the same mistake twice." "I don't know what I'm saying." "I suggest forgetting I ever called" "And maybe having a chocolate biscuit or something." "(sighs)" "(phone rings)" "Ben:" "Ben..." "Voicemail: ..." "Is not available." "At the tone, please leave your message." "So I think what you're trying to say-- either you're too scared" "Or perhaps just too exhausted because of the way you speak" "Uh, is that you're not sure whether it's worth seeing me again," "But you're worried that" "You might never get an opportunity to find out in the light of day" "How disappointing my face actually is." "Does that, uh-- does that sound about right?" "Where have you been?" "Grace won't stop crying." "I was just putting the bins out." "Hi." "(sighs)" "Yeah, she was crying so much." "I promise, she just stopped." "Okay." "I mean, I wish she was crying." "Then I get to pick her up and have a little bit of grace time." "I'm really very worried about grace." "Worms love babies." "Really?" "Is that a thing?" "Everyone loves babies." "Maybe your dad should come get her." "No, no." "We don't want to ruin his special night, okay?" "If she's got worms, then your dad probably has worms too, you know." "Sometimes I wonder how there is anyone in the world that doesn't have worms." "You should call tom and make sure that he talks to the pharmacist about grace." "Okay, yep." "Yeah, no, that is a good idea." "Be silly not to." "Yeah." "(phone rings)" "(josh sighs)" "(whispers) it's just ringing." "Hey, buddy." "Hi." "Tom:" "I'm properly scared at this point." "I feel like at least some part of today means jail." "I've accepted the fact that she's going to break up with me." "That's done." "Now I'm trying to decide how I can explain to my parents" "Yeah, we were just thinking that it might be a good idea for you to pick up some" "Some baby worming medication for grace." "Yeah, no, no, no." "We don't need a treat, thank you for offering though." "Gosh, what a generous guy." "What a good guy." "I can't handle this!" "I love you too." "Oh, why'd you say no to the treat?" "I'm starving." "Well, fine then." "I'll just go then, will I?" "Okay." "Okay?" "That's it then, is it?" "Okay." "Nice knowing you." "Is there something wrong with you, rose?" "There's something wrong with your head." "Yeah, there is." "That's how you guys met." "Why can't you see that I'm a good man?" "What do you think we should do?" "He'll wear himself out." "I'm seconds away from blowing my top here." "Seconds away!" "Do you think we should call the police?" "No, he doesn't need to go to prison." "(phone rings)" "(phone chimes)" "It's rose." "You better answer it." "Alan, stuart's broken into my house and he won't leave." "What?" "Well, have you called the police?" "No, no, I don't want to get him arrested." "What's happening?" "Stuart's broken into rose's house." "She sounds scared." "She doesn't want to call the police." "No, I'm not scared." "I just want him to leave." "Okay, okay." "Let's go." "Do-- do you think" "Okay, yeah." "We're coming, rose." "We're coming." "Do we need this?" "What-- no, alan!" "I won't use it." "Well, then don't bring it!" "Okay, you are not allowed to use this." "No, I won't, I won't." "Oh!" "(sighs)" "(phone rings) -(grace babbles)" "Hi, dad." "Hi, josh, it's dad." "And mae." "How is grace going?" "Look, josh, stuart's having some sort of sit-in at your mum's place." "She and hannah are stuck there with him." "Oh, ok-- okay." "Josh, is that your dad?" "Yeah." "You have to tell him about grace." "What?" "Tell him what about grace?" "Okay, um, I have worms and maybe grace has worms." "Just, maybe grace has worms, and you're gonna have to get her checked." "How did you get worms?" "I don't know, who knows?" "It's not like they were invited." "Okay, fine." "We worm her." "Okay?" "(claire laughs) -great." "Alan:" "You have to wash all the sheets." "Yes, I know." "Okay." "There's no worms." "Practical joke." "What?" "That's not funny, josh." "No, no, no, arnold, there are no worms." "Tom has chlamydia." "Again?" "Yeah." "How are the two related?" "Does he always lie?" "I thought he never lies." "Maybe that's the biggest lie of all." "I'm just ringing to tell you to make sure that you keep you and grace safe." "From the man at mum's house who's not here at my house?" "Your dad is just calling" "Because he is so excited he might get to be a hero." "You know, guys, it was probably john who gave us worms." "I'm sorry to say it, but let's be real." "Hi, grace." "Why is he doing this?" "Do I get no say on whether my boyfriend tells people he has worms?" "This is the nicest thing I've ever seen josh do for someone." "I'm calling to tell you where we are" "So that if anything goes wrong, you can call the police." "Or maybe you could just call the police now." "Your mom doesn't want to send him to prison." "Your dad brought a cricket bat, josh." "(laughs) -oh." "I'm not gonna use it." "Bye, joshie!" "(phone beeps)" "Mwah!" "(giggles)" "It was definitely john." "I've seen him licking josh's face." "He's licked all of our faces." "What?" "It wasn't john, was it, buddy?" "I can see it in his eyes." "Dead giveaway, john." "Dead giveaway." "Tell you what," "Stuart," "I'll forgive you very sincerely..." "If you clean the kitchen." "These pills couldn't look any less alike." "How is this supposed to trick her?" "Just tell her we took ours already." "Then what was the point of me going to the pharmacy again" "If she's not even gonna see them." "I had to get them to check out the back." "You have to pay for them." "Josh didn't give me enough money." "Did you guys take them without me?" "Yeah." "I thought we'd do it together, no?" "Yeah, you're right." "Sorry, we should have waited." "Josh, can I have a little sip of your beer, please?" "Mm-hmm." ""only the dead have seen the end of war."" "It's a plato quote." "(phone rings)" "Alan:" "Hi, rose." "He won't budge." "I don't know what to do." "We're ten seconds away." "Stuart:" "Who's that?" "Rose:" "It's alan, my ex-husband." "Oh, no, it isn't." "I told you not to push me!" "So what now?" "What are you doing?" "You wanna have a go?" "Get out of your car and protect your wife like a man!" "Oh, what do we do?" "Get out of the fucking car!" "Ah!" "Out!" "I don't think I should get out." "No, don't get out of the car, alan." "Out!" "I suppose this is the first time they've met." "Stuart:" "Fucking come on!" "It's going really well." "Get out!" "Oh, jesus." "Out!" "Um, what do we do?" "Ah!" "Fucking get out!" "Oh, ask him to get off?" "Um..." "Stuart, mate, can you-- can you get off the car?" "Not until rose comes and talks to me." "Get off the car!" "You shut up!" "Shh!" "Don't talk to him." "What?" "Okay, okay." "Uh, I'm just gonna take him down the street." "Rose, meet me at the curb." "Alan, you are not a stunt driver!" "No, we can do this." "Stuart:" "Oi!" "What are you doing?" "Alan." "Alan, don't mess around." "Alan!" "Oy!" "What are you doing?" "Just stop there." "Just-- just stop." "I want to talk to rose!" "Alan, ya prick!" "I just want to talk to rose!" "Hey!" "(grunts)" "Slow down, you fucking lunatic!" "Mae:" "Oh!" "(squealing)" "Thanks for this, alan." "Hi, mae." "Oh!" "Oh!" "Tossers!" "Hello, this is josh." "I am unavailable." "I am too busy." "I am too busy for you." "Josh." "Hey, I think you might be spot on." "I'm tempted to say you don't have to, but now you've backed me into a corner," "And I don't have much to lose." "I'm just gonna say it." "Before my aneurysm operation, or you'll look like a proper douche." "Ben:" "Ben..." "Voicemail: ..." "Is not available." "At the tone, please leave your message." "(beep)" "Um..." "Okay." "Okay, yeah, I'll come." "Sex time." "It's sex time." "No." "No, no, not tonight." "I'm just" " I'm really spent." "You're spent?" "No, ella." "I'm too tired." "You're too tired for sex time?" "I just" "I'm offering you sex here." "Ella, I just don't feel like it." "Well, how about I'm going to break harold's legs if you don't sex time me." "Don't." "Don't." "Oh, tom, why would you do that to harold?" "I loved harold." "Well, now you know" "This isn't a game." "Ella." "Stop." "Three..." "Two..." "Ella, just listen." "I have chlamydia." "Oh." "Then why didn't you just tell me?" "'cause now you're gonna break up with me." "No, I'm not." "Yeah, you are." "I lied about having a sexual health test because I couldn't be bothered" "Going across the road to buy condoms." "Oh." "Damn it!" "And I don't want to get angry, but I have to as a way of respecting myself." "And the frustrating thing is that" "I don't know what to say, because I can tell that you" "Already know how bad what you did was." "Did you get symptoms?" "Did it hurt?" "Were you really scared?" "Okay, good." "Well, if you're in pain and fear," "Then I don't have to be as angry at you." "It felt really bad." "I'm not gonna break up with you," "But I need to make sure that you know" "That that doesn't mean that I don't value myself." "I value myself, okay?" "The reason that I'm not going to break up with you" "Is that I too have lied to people for my own selfish reasons." "I'm just a better liar than you so I got away with it, okay?" "I understand why you lied," "But I don't like it." "And if I was the type of person to get angry," "Then this is a situation where I might slap you or maybe scratch your neck, okay?" "Okay." "Okay?" "Good." "I'm really sorry." "Mm-hmm." "I do have good news." "I already disinfected you and you don't have worms." "That pill was chlamydia medication?" "Yes." "That's clever." "It wasn't my idea." "I need you to know that while I am touched by the gesture," "What you did today" "Was very, very sneaky." "Oh, no." "And I will get my revenge." "I wanted to have sex and there's a seven day window where he's still contagious." "I mean, we did not think this through at all." "Nope." "Hey, josh." "Um, can you feel my possibly contagious vagina" "Pressing against your homosexual thigh?" "Yes." "(groans)" "I have exacted my revenge." "Good night!" "Good night." "Aw!" "*when,whenyou smiled* * when you smiled at me * * well, well, I know * * our love will always be * * when, when you kissed * * when you kissed me right *" "* I" " I don't want * * to ever say good night *"